Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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Anonymous said...: Mirror,

I am so beyond thrilled i found this article. I got a good one for ya. There's this dude that I've been casually talking to since last December. He is an libra, and an entrepeneur and it completly obsessed with starting businesses and the grind. At first, I did most of the chasing, then I worked on myself a bit, got significantly hotter (lost weight, changed hair etc) and got a boyfriend. Libra boy chases all summer with me giving him little to nothing back. My boyfriend and I broke up, so I hit up libra boy, he is thrilled, he's pursuing like never before- constantly asking questions about my day and myself, always wanting to know every detail of my life with a heavy interest, and he's messaging me first, suggesting multiple days to see eachother and asking to see me. I enjoyed this and let him chase. However, he's incredibly busy, he runs two businesses, and is taking online classes and has conveyed to me on many occasions how busy he is and how he has time for nothing, and how terrible he is at the dating scene (he's shy and nerdy, also 6 years older than me, I'm 23, hasn't been in a serious relationship in 5+ years). We hooked up one night following a night out- that did not stop him from chasing, so he chases even more after the sex, and asks me on a date this past Friday. He has no plan though for the date, just basically says whatever I want to do we'll do and suggests many things, and I was in the mood for drinks so i suggested drinks and play it from there. We stay local, enjoy ourselves much conversation in which he lets me into very personal details of his life, back to his sex again in which he loved it, and we fell asleep together with him insisting for me to stay and him to cuddle and hold me (I woke up and left in the middle of the night because I had to go home) He didn't message me at all the next day. Finally I message him just a photo of my halloween costume in which he replies that he's sorry he's been busy with his family for thanksgiving out of town and the costume looks "good". That's it. Nothing about our night together. and not a word since. WTF?

Help a sista out!; October 14, 2013 at 5:18 PM
Anonymous said...: I just wrote to you on Libra boy, and feel that i neglected to share some details that may have an influence on your judgement- he seems to pull away a bit right after we hooked up the first time, i gave him space and didn't engage- he messages in a couple days (comes back hot). I'm always just sweet but light with him. What I want to know is a) why he maybe is pulling away? I'm confident that our date was great- is this part of a tactic to get me to want him more (because it's working)? (and not to toot my own horn but I'm a model and although he is cute, he is very average at best.) and 2) when he does message again, how do i respond? wait a few days like he's making me wait and then say I've been busy?

Although our date was fun, I also wanted to just do drinks with him because I had to be somewhere before hand, but I definetly do not want to condone this lack of planning for dates in the future- i am a girl to be taken out to dinner, and have him invest some effort- i let him off easy with the drinks this time, but how do i convey this is unacceptable in the future without making him feel like shit?

Also his friends are always giving him shit about how he never leaves the office and one even went so far as publicly chirp him for not having any sort of romantic relationships because he just falls back on the fact that he never has time blah blah blah. Not sure if this is all him just being scared to start something or maybe he really isn't into me?

Thanks again! xoxox; October 14, 2013 at 5:41 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ KK, love reading your experience with the new guy. (It just makes me feel good!) :-)

@ Hopeful, No new men for me at the moment to share stories about. I've been super busy at work, etc., but I've been reading everyone's posts and commenting when I feel I might have something of value to add.

No news from Writer, which I expected, and quite honestly, I don't care. I think I shared that he had said he was dealing with issues/ stuff right now (and this was the first night I met him (!!!)), so, he was just a good experience for me to put myself first -- meaning, not accepting less than I want in a man just to be w/a man.

Same with Court Officer, to my surprise I never heard back from him. And that is a good thing.

I am learning that this is how it goes in dating, that I have the same power as the man to choose to not see a man again without feeling guilty or putting their needs before my own because I don't want to hurt them. I am enjoying not feeling like I have to "make something happen," if I want to have a man in my life. I am enjoying just being me.

I've also been reading. I just finished the first Rules book Ms. Mirror references above (written almost 20 yrs ago), and just started reading "Not your Mother's Rules" from the same authors printed this year. In their latest book, they incorporate texting, emails, and social media; and include input from their daughters. It's good stuff.

Although I am gaining strength, I still miss Scorpio. It's almost 1 yr since we've seen each other, and I just can't shake him out of my system. The good thing, though, is, because of the support system from this site, he has no idea of my angst.

And, I'm still keeping open to meeting men. I will continue to practice what I have learned here, and continue to work towards being a strong, happy, independent, wise and gracious woman.

Here's a little tidbit: Last week, I wondered why I (we) jumped at love whenever I thought it was in front of me. Why I (we) became a scared little girl and was physically in pain when someone I wanted didn't want me. I think it does go back to not receiving what I needed as a child, but I am fiercely adamant in my adult life to not be a "victim," so I wondered what was still triggering the fear. And what came to me was, "There is enough love for everyone."

I think not receiving the love I needed as a child taught me it was in short supply, and, later as an adult, if it was given, I believed I better take it -- even if it wasn't the love I wanted, or from a person I wanted it from -- because who knows if it will come again.

So, up on my chalkboard wall I wrote, "There is enough for everyone"

And there is.

I'm realizing there is plenty of love. It is not limited, and we do not have to give up our selves to experience it. But we do have to do the work to make sure the person in front of us is who they say they are, have the same intentions as we do, and offers us the same love and support as we have to give to them.

So, that's where I'm at right now. Thank you dear for asking. Ms. Mirror has built a wonderful community of support and friendship, thank you for being here.

Hugs to All!; October 14, 2013 at 6:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 14, 5:18 PM,
The answer to your first question can be found in the article, under the sections The Scarcit Theory of Value, Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction and Men Pull Stunts to Gauge Your Feelings. The answer to your second question can be found under the section What to Do When Your Man Reappears.

"how do i convey this is unacceptable in the future without making him feel like shit?"

You can refuse to accept date offers that lack planning and instead, make a suggestion for something you'd prefer to do and see if he obliges.

"Not sure if this is all him just being scared to start something or maybe he really isn't into me?"

Only time will tell dear. But honestly, a year is enough to gauge whether or not a relationship is going to go somewhere. Truthfully, six months is enough. If things haven't progressed in a year to the point of him divulging he's in love with you ("in" love, not just loves you), and he's not expressing that he'd like a relationship with you - then if it were me, I wouldn't waste anymore time if a relationship is what you seek. If you enjoy casually dating, then by all means continue. But if it's a relationship you seek, it doesn't appear that that's what he's ready for and/or wants for himself at this stage in his life unfortunately. He has mentioned he's too busy for one and that could be his blanket excuse, but regardless, his actions are also falling in line with that, so it appears he may not be ready for one yet. :-(; October 15, 2013 at 8:48 AM
@lONDONcALLING said...: @Carla!!!!!
YES! YES! YES! YES! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LET THEM WALK!!!
Thanku for sharing!; October 15, 2013 at 3:26 PM
KK said...: @Gem - I'm glad my recent post made you feel good. That was my goal when writing it, to all of the ladies here, to give some hope. I love your post as well - you're doing awesome! :)

I just wanted everyone to know that there are good men out there, you don't have to settle. And this, like Gem said: "not accepting less than I want in a man just to be w/a man." - You don't need a man. And the man is not the priority, YOU are.
From what I've been reading here recently (and also being in the same boat), I do relate to the other comments/experiences, but like I said, going through that and being where I am now - it hurts a little to see other women going through shit they don't have to.

I know when we're 'in it', we kind of have blinders on, we don't see what others do and we start believing "this is the best I can do" "I won't find any other men" - fear/insecurity kicks in and we start losing hope and feeling helpless. I don't mean to call anyone out here, but that's just the theme I'm picking up on.
It takes longer for some - we all have a 'threshold'. But eventually, enough is enough!
It took me a while, Pisces is still in my system too, but with the support here and help from Mirror, it gets easier - Please listen to her! Read every article/post here, do your 'homework'. Date others, don't sit and wait for a 'player', liar, etc.. to change - you will wait forever and be miserable doing so while missing out on other opportunities - other men who CAN and WILL make you happy, give you what you want and need, be there for you, not waste your time, etc. A hundred 'pros' compared to one big 'con'. Sounds like a better deal to me.
It's common sense really - if something/someone doesn't make you happy, why continue? You are setting yourself up that way for a lot of pain.

Along with all of that, sometimes it's just timing - it'll happen when the time is right (cheesy, I know - but it's true). It also helps if you're not forcing things to happen.

Stranger things have happened, but maybe once we work on ourselves a bit, someone will come to us (that's what it seems like) - We go through this and deal with a lot of pain/hurt/rejection, but then are suddenly rewarded with someone who brings everything we want to the table, and sometimes more.
I'm not saying to stick around and put up with crap cause you'll be rewarded later (that would be stupid) - Was just a general thought, sometimes we do need to experience these things in order to LEARN. And then you'll learn to never do that/go through that again!; October 15, 2013 at 6:01 PM
chk61 said...: OK. He's baaaack. Just got an email from my D.M. (disappearing man). Some friends ( a couple) who met him briefly months ago ran into him at an event last week and the male of this couple decided to go up to him and say "hey, I met you at....". So I don't know if my D.M. thought that was a good ice breaker but he emailed me today, mentioning this as a "funny coincidence" and also that he was impressed that this guy remembered him (my girlfriend pointed him out at this event - I was a little peeved when I heard that her boyfriend went up to him). Anyway, our last email interaction was on 9/10/13 (he left me hanging) and I last saw him on 7/20/13.

So he asks me to do something with him tomorrow night that involves volunteering at a performance and then going to see the performance for free. (We did this once together and it was fun). But after all this time that sort of invitation doesn't seem like a pretty impressive opener...? And no, I'm not going to accept! Nor am I going to reply right away, Thoughts?; October 15, 2013 at 6:13 PM
car @carlamholden.com said...: @londoncalling YES!!!! Glad you got as much out of that as I did!! :)
xx
Carla; October 15, 2013 at 7:30 PM
car @carlamholden.com said...: @Carla,
Amen, LOL!!

Mirror!

I KNEW you would appreciate that!!
Sometimes I have that video on repeat! :p
So empowering and true.
"wash your face, do a little dance"
love it!!
xx
Carla; October 15, 2013 at 7:33 PM
Anonymous said...: WHat do you all think about Facebook and no contact? What if he has been on your friends list? But you deactivated your account? But want to reactivate it...do you keep him on your Friends List? But uncheck the get notifications option or show in newsfeed option so you won't see anything that they post?; October 16, 2013 at 12:24 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror and ladies, haven't had a "Bigfoot" sighting in almost 6 months. As I write this I can't believe it's been that long. Good news is I'm feeling great about it. Never thought I'd say this but I hope to never see or hear from him again. Don't want any emotions to get brought up, don't ever want to go there again. Anyway, thought I'd share a reality check I had recently...met the nicest guy. Very attentive, wants to know about me, makes plans, initiates all contact. Everything we all want, right? Problem is it's TOO much. Long detailed texts, trying to get me to commit to plans 3 months in advance, talking way too much about our chemistry. He's moving way too fast. Finally had to tell him this wasn't going to work out and he STILL pursued. I started to wonder if this is how my "Bigfoot" felt before he went M.I.A.? I know I wasn't nearly as overbearing as new guy, but if I was even a little of that, no wonder he's gone. Ugh! Lesson learned.; October 16, 2013 at 12:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
If it were me, I'd put him on "high heat" right now on the back burner, LOL. Meaning, crickets. He hears nothing but crickets. He's been very disrespectful to you in the past, so to show him any kindness right now will only signal to him that you're okay with being treated like that - communication will signal your acceptance of it basically.

If it were me, I don't think I'd even consider seeing/speaking to this man ever again - until he's made repeated attempts to do so and issued an apology with regards to his past behavior. And he's not going to know or even think he needs to issue an apology - until he receives signals from you that his past treatment/behavior has not been acceptable to you.

If you do that, and he disappears for good - then you have your answer. He's not worth your time and he feels no regret. If he man's up and does the right thing, then you can go from there one day at a time :-); October 16, 2013 at 8:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror I've had previous advice from you re: below and you said that is was ok his 2wk contact in the context of it being casual dating and my response of two hours later.

I've got this guy who I've known for a while, initially from on-line dating, it's long distance we were supposed to meet up in the beginning and then later on and it never ended up happening. I think he had some previous relationship that was unfinished so I let him go and continued to date. He got back in touch recently and said he still wanted to meet up and that he was now free to do so and enquired to my status. He is in touch with me sometimes once or twice a week but occasionally once every two weeks.

So the latest is he contacts me after 2wks with just a friendly enquiry and I replied nearly two hours later with a general and asked him how he was but he didn't get back to me and usually when he gets in touch he will text back and forth.

So what I'm confused as to what that was about, what do you think the point was of that? Is he just checking in with me to see if I'm still there or trying to get me to give chase or should I not read too much into it.

I didn't enquire about it and left it be but it is coming up to the point whereby I think he will contact me again which will be nearly two weeks again and I want to know how long do I leave it to respond, do I continue what I'm doing like before I responded in 2 hrs as it is casual dating?? The fact that he texted me enquiring to how I am and then I responding back with a question of the same sort and he didn't reply to that is that strange or am I making a big deal over nothing? I've had that with girlfriends also. I'm not sure what's going on.

thank you; October 16, 2013 at 6:34 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror. Here's what happened. I received his email at about 3:30pm and I was at a friend's house out of town. I emailed my girlfriend who had run into him at the event with her boyfriend. I decided to definitely wait this one out.

So I was driving home that night and I get a call from her boyfriend who was the one who went up to him at the event. He said when he heard the D.M. had contacted me, he wanted to call me and give me some advice on how to respond. He knew that I had liked him originally and was disappointed in how things transpired. I told him I wasn't responding just yet, based on this guy's poor behavior in the past and he thought that I should respond but that I needed to maneuver this into what I wanted out of it (e.g. a relationship, not just a casual thing...which at this point, I'm not sure I want this anymore with this guy). He said that the guy, of course "wants to have sex, he's a guy" but that I am now in a powerful position since he contacted me after all this time. We talked some more I was still unconvinced and we hung up.

So the next morning I think about it and decided to reply. I know, I know. I should have waited. So I send him an email and say I am not sure if I can attend, I ask a couple of questions about the time frame, etc. He writes back that he was avidly checking his smart phone for my response up until 11:00PM last night and since he did not hear back from me, he figured I couldn't go and he wanted to give the ticket to someone else, so he asked someone at his biweekly card game (definitely a woman because he did not use "he" or "she") that went until 11:00PM. Amongst other things he said, he said "we'll have to try for another time". He did not express disappointment, his only key that he wanted me to go was using the word "avidly".

So I just did not respond to that. And I won't. We'll see if he mans up and approaches me again.

As another friend said when I told her the story, he could have asked me then and there if he could see me another time and made a suggestion. I think based on our past interactions, he was waiting for me to then say "sure, another time would be great!" But that would again be rewarding bad behavior and it would signal to him, as Mirror said, that I'm willing to accept future poor treatment.

Even if he does contact me again, I'm not going to make it easy for him. I may need a bit more coaching here though. ;-); October 17, 2013 at 8:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 16,6:34 PM,
When stuff like that begins to happens, it's a red flag. He's being ignorant and disrespectful. If it were me, the next time he contacted me - he'd get NO response. Because he's signaling that there's a high likelihood he's got a lot of girls in a "rotation." And when it's your turn in the rotation, you get a call. But if he moves onto the next because he hasn't heard back from you right away, then you loose your turn and he doesn't respond.

It's a big red flag dear. Combined with the fact that he's never followed through to meet you, it's starting to look like this guys a game player that's stringing women along. I wouldn't bother wasting another ounce of time on him. You don't reward ignorant behavior and poor treatment with your time and attention. Instead, you show him consequences for his actions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; October 17, 2013 at 8:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
Well, as you interact with this man more and more, and correct me if I'm wrong - but I think he's impressing you less and less the more you get to know him. And this is generally what happens. Eventually, the behavior becomes a real turn off.

And he's also signaled to you - that he waits for no one. Which isn't a good sign. It signals that he puts his needs above all else and at all costs, and that he's not working towards anything special with one individual - any available individual will do - first come, first served.

BUT - you did have him there for a bit, LOL ;-) "He writes back that he was avidly checking his smart phone for my response up until 11:00PM last night" You had his attention with that one.

"he thought that I should respond but that I needed to maneuver this into what I wanted out of it"

Naturally, I'm sure you know that I disagree with the advice that well-meaning friends usually give out, LOL. This man was telling you that you now had the power since he came to you - and you did. But then, he turns around (in typical man fashion hehe) and advises you - to give up that power right away, for nothing, LOL.

Had you let this gestate over the next month or so with no response, "He writes back that he was avidly checking his smart phone for my response up until 11:00PM last night" - it's quite possible that his curiosity would've brought him back around.

And I agree with your girlfriend, had he truly wanted to schedule another time, he'd have done so right then and there. Basically, what he did was. . .he circled back around to test the waters and see if you were still available to him. When you responded, you gave him the reassurance that you were. And once he had that reassurance, there was no reason to put any more effort into the situation - because he knows he has you, right where he wants you - waiting and available to him. Ya' know?

It's like the stove story. There are four burners on the stove and four pots going at once. If one starts to boil over, you give it attention and once you get it simmering again at a normal level, you place it on the back burner and you then give your attention to the next one that's boiling over. The pot that gets the most attention is the one that's boiling over. The one's that are simmering nicely - get placed on the back burner to stay warm until they're ready to be served.

You need to be the boiling pot dear. The one that's not simmering nicely, but boiling over instead (no response), LOL ;-); October 17, 2013 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous Oct 16,6:34 PM,

Re: two week contact
It's sounding that you may well be right! I think why bother to try and reignite something after 3months of no contact if you're not really interested, it just doesn't make sense to me, even if he is a player I can't see that he could be getting much from it other than a bit of attention and he re-started contact with me definitely wanting to meet, why would you bother doing that if it wasn't genuine. Of course you're right he's not following through, so there are definitely some hidden issues of some sort. In the three months of no contact I just thought at the time, let it go and if it's meant to be he will come back for you.

However, I have got other things going on and I don't want to burn my bridges with him at this stage, even though I do hear what you are saying :)

Is there any other way rather than no contact and moving on i.e mirroring that I can state my disapproval of what he's doing without burning my bridges totally for the time being?

Thank you; October 17, 2013 at 9:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 16,6:34 PM.
"He re-started contact with me definitely wanting to meet, why would you bother doing that if it wasn't genuine."

For the same reason that hundreds of thousands of men do exactly the same thing - for sex - sexual benefits.

"Is there any other way rather than no contact and moving on i.e mirroring that I can state my disapproval of what he's doing. . ."

No - ACTION, not words, is what men understand.

" without burning my bridges totally for the time being?"

If he's genuinely interested, no contact, no response will NOT burn bridges with him completely. A genuinely interested man pursues the object of his desire and is willing to tackle and overcome any obstacles that stand in the way of that.

And the fact that you immediately assume that if you don't respond to him he's going to disappear forever and your bridge with him will be burned. . . .tells me that you don't value yourself highly dear :-( When that is EXACTLY the message you should be sending him - that you DO value yourself - and he should too. And that you don't FEAR losing him because you are independent, strong. . .and you have other males options just as he has other female options:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

Genuinely interested men do not let a little bit of silence stand in their way - never let FEAR steer the wheel or dictate your own actions dear. . .as the path of fear will never lead you to a final destination of success :-)

Show him, with your actions what you will and will not tolerate. And if he leaves and never comes back, then you've uncovered the fact that he was not genuinely interested - and you've dodge a bullet there - and he was most likely only seeking sexual benefits (something easy) instead of working towards a healthy relationship (something that requires an investment and effort on his part).; October 17, 2013 at 11:27 AM
LibraGirl said...: Hey everyone. I've been lurking (for want of a better word), and reading this article & the comments for a while now. I've been in a 3 & 1/2 year relationship with a Libra Guy, under very complicated circumstances (I'm not going to go into detail now - too long!) - but I've made every single mistake in the book so far. I've been clingy * needy & I've done the "I'm leaving!!" bluff thing, only to return a few days later. Seriously - I've ticked EVERY SINGLE WRONG BOX. Uggghhh. My only positive thought is he hasn't bailed yet, after 3 & 1/2 years. (Oh - I must add that I only see him a couple of times a month, due to afore-mentioned complicated circumstances). Anyway - we had a huge blow-out a few days ago, and I was my usual histrionic needy self (Damn!), and he asked me "Why the paranoia? I don't get it." And I was irate, so I answered: 'Paranoia'? Wow. OK". Because he made me feel like a mental patient. But now, I think I was so irate, because I realise he was partly right. I was acting OTT. ANYWAY - I've decided to initiate NC - both for him & myself - and I'm on Day 4. And I'm already struggling!! It's so difficult to think that he's just going to forget about me & so on & so forth, and all the fears I've read about so far. I guess I'm just looking for some strength & some reassurance from you all - that it's the right path, and a hopeful path...? Mirror? Anyone? Thank you :-); October 17, 2013 at 11:37 AM
pisces girl said...: i really dont understand why ladies come on here asking for relationship advice and Mirror takes the time to respond and she is VERY clear about her viewpoints only for someone to turn around and do what she wants to do-initiate contact, respond right away and give him assurance that your still there on the back burner waiting for him to come around. Thats a sure fire way to continue being treated like an option not a priority. Some bridges are meant to be burned especially when you've been burned time and time again by that person and if you're really not ready to begin no contact and move on then your going to be stuck with someone who isnt ever going to give you what you need or want and who will never learn the consequences to his actions because there arent any! I think a lot of our insecurities stem from low self esteem and an almost desperate feeling that we need a mans attention and approval and we need a man to love us and i understand that (especially if you have daddy issues) but i think we end up suffering more with the contant stress and frustration of not getting what we want or need from a man. Meanwhile he will get what he wants from us and then disappear(when his attention is on another female) and think nothing of it. We need to place a higher value on ourselves which Mirror points out time and time again thats the only way to be treated with respect - a man will only value us as much as we value ourselves.Tolerating his shitty treatment is basically telling him that we dont love or value ourselves enough to demand more from him or that were just desperate to keep him. Men really arent stupid they think about those things and he probably asks himself if thats how you allow all men to treat you and he will end up losing respect for you -i too used to be afflicted with nice girl syndrome- meaning do what he wants and keep him happy and dont complain but the more experiences i have with different men the more i realize asshole men who have no regard for my feelings or have bad intentions dont deserve a nice girl they deserve the female equilavent of what they are which is a BITCH and they probably respect bitches way more because they see a bit of themselves in her and know shes street smart and love smart and not some stupid broad who will tolerate bullshit treatment from anyone i think thats what men really want in a woman and future wife and mother - a strong woman who is still loving and nurturing but knows how to stand her ground and be treated with respect in this world.; October 17, 2013 at 12:14 PM
Mltn said...: One thing I wanted to add to Mirror's comments here about why a man pays you attention. Yes, for many it is about sex. One thing I've learned, though, is that not all men are highly sex-motivated. Also that a lot of men who are pushy about sex are actually starved for attention and affection, and translating it into the "man-approved" language of sex. (I.e., they want human contact or approval or affection, but sex is the only way they know of to express those needs).

Lots of men want an ego stroke. Want to feel powerful and important. Want to conquer. Want to feel desired. Want affection and attention. And sometimes they seek sex to satisfy that. But sometimes they'll be that guy who DOESN'T push for sex. Sometimes they'll be your long-distance pen pal. Sometimes they'll hang around your life confusing you with apparent "mixed messages."

The fact that a man talks to you, emails you, texts you, even sleeps with you - it does not mean that he LOVES you. It does not mean that he even WANTS to love you or be in a relationship with you.

I see a lot of women (and, sure, I've been one of them) who have assumed that there's no reason why this guy keeps hanging out, coming around, contacting me, unless he's genuinely interested in ME. But he may just have needs (sex, attention, affection, ego, etc.), and he's okay with having ANYONE meet those needs, and since you've proven you're willing to meet those needs, he'll come around when he's needy again.

The answer to "why is he back?" isn't "because he loves you." It may be because you give him something that he needs, be it sex or attention or understanding. But that doesn't mean that he sees you or appreciates you as a person or wants to meet YOUR needs.

In my situation with my D.M. co-worker, for the better part of a decade he'd call me every morning, and we'd talk for 1-3 hours a day on the phone, plus texting, emailing, hanging out in person, going to lunch, etc. I seriously believe that I talked with this man more than any other person I've ever known, including my parents and siblings. And we talked about serious stuff, light-hearted stuff, everything. People commented that we seemed to be addicted to each other, that he was so into me. Long before anything ever happened between us, the office rumor mill was in high gear over our friendship.

But I think he just desperately needed the attention from me. None of that meant that he loved me. By way of example, I had not been speaking to him for 3 weeks (after my relapse), and noticed that his car in the parking garage was damaged. I saw it and my first reaction was this rush of emotion, I was worried that he'd been hurt in an accident. I texted him to ask if he was okay (he was). Recently, however, my mother has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, and a number of our mutual friends know about it, and I was out of the office to deal with it. I have not heard a word from him. No sympathy, no "are you okay?" Nothing. After 7 years of being so close.

And I realize that most of that time, it was me listening, me giving him support, me laughing at his jokes and telling him he was great. I think that's what he got from me. And he was basking in that, it made him feel great. But it didn't make him love me.; October 17, 2013 at 12:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror is so right. These guys who show up after all these months figure they have nothing to lose. Why not throw the bait out there and see if she bites? They are only looking for one thing and not taking you seriously. Because if they were they wouldn't have disappeared in the first place.; October 17, 2013 at 12:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Dearest MOA

I love your articles, your wisdom insight and intelligence is amazing!

Its me, the lady with the abusive Ex whose love of her life (or thought he was) bailed out on me 16 days ago...

I am quoting one of your older articles where you wisely wrote:

'Well, here's the thing . . lots of men don't like emotions. As stated in the article above, emotions befuddle many men, they make things seem complicated and heavy. They put a damper on their attraction for someone because the man starts thinking, "How much energy is this going to take to be with this person? Am I going to constantly have to play therapist here? Is this going to be fun or more like work? How much will this person need me?"

If a relationship starts to feel like work rather than fun, a guy will bail. Any impression of a high level of neediness will drive a wedge between the two as one will feel that they're going to have to invest more into the relationship than the amount of fun they're going to get out of it.

So when he says to you that he's bad with emotions, he's probably telling the truth. He doesn't want to have to deal with them to a high extent. Meaning, he can handle the normal range of emotions, but any that go above the bar, he can't or won't take the time to deal with.

Basically to him, a high level of emotions = tons of work, lots of time invested, neediness and dependency and very little fun.

And that's nothing rare. A lot of men feel this way. The majority of men are attracted to playfulness, carefree attitudes, independence and fun times. The opposite of that can easily repel them and force them away.

Well, here's the thing . . lots of men don't like emotions. As stated in the article above, emotions befuddle many men, they make things seem complicated and heavy. They put a damper on their attraction for someone because the man starts thinking, "How much energy is this going to take to be with this person? Am I going to constantly have to play therapist here? Is this going to be fun or more like work? How much will this person need me?"

If a relationship starts to feel like work rather than fun, a guy will bail. Any impression of a high level of neediness will drive a wedge between the two as one will feel that they're going to have to invest more into the relationship than the amount of fun they're going to get out of it.

So when he says to you that he's bad with emotions, he's probably telling the truth. He doesn't want to have to deal with them to a high extent. Meaning, he can handle the normal range of emotions, but any that go above the bar, he can't or won't take the time to deal with.'

I think this is what happened with Mr.T

I was relying on him a lot as had my daughter full time and was trying to juggle career, court dates etc and under immense strain. I have no family and the ex was messing about with childcare arrangements - I did make sure he was ok with minding her once a week as she asked for him and he said no problem

But then as you recall the ex showed and scared him off. he said, "I thought I could deal with this but I cant for the rest of my life, Sorry but I just cant do it." in a text
...; October 17, 2013 at 1:26 PM
Anonymous said...: I haven't heard for three weeks nearly and not made contact except to say my ex had been arrested for breach of his injunction

My life has come full circle now - I was stopping contact due to his erratic behaviour but now he is going through the correct channels and sticking to his court order (as I must for child care arrangements) I have every other weekend off and one night a week

this was my main problem with Mr. T as I was unwilling to get childminders so she had stability through all the upset so we had no freedom really /with my child constantly. the romance dropped off and there was a lot of ups and downs due to her fathers erratic behaviour

Since he left I have major incidents /dramas with police etc but not rung him once

The upshot is all good - I have remained strong, delved into teaching, going out with friends and now suddenly after months have lots of free time

I am that carefree and independent woman again - problem is he does not know that the situation has changed.

I want t him to know things are settled on the home front and that I m ok. I think that might make a difference to how he perceives the relationship

If I carry on the no contact rule, how will he know that there's 'no more hard work' to run away from?

I have remained true to your advice all this time - but want to send a quick email update telling him this. Is that still unacceptable - even though everything has changed/I ve changed?

I also want him to get his stuff or post it - I need closure dearest Mirror. I ve been left hanging and under normal circumstances it would be bad enough - but with all the distress drama and strain I ve had to deal with these last few weeks I just want to know where I stand.#

One good thing is thanks to no contact I am much stronger, and if it is over feel I can move on ... though it still hurts like hell!

I just want Mr.T to know the coast is clear no w - that if he did want to come back, the situation and reality are much much different !

Please, oh darling Mirror, can you give me your advice about this? I ve come full circle to how he was when he met me and no longer have my daughter every waking minute /can actually have a bit of free time to enjoy a social life which is all amazing...

is it wrong to let him know this, if done in a non-needy way?

I know you ve said he ll be back within a month - but I think this may be it. Why would he want to return to a situation where he thinks the ex is always there making my life hell, and my child with us 24-7?

We ve not even been together ayear/he s put up with an awful lot.

My ex now has a restraining order which Mr.T does not know about ...

Is it still the no contact rule, even when you think the circumstances that made them leave in the first place (emotions, upset drama) have all but gone??

I am independent and carefree again - I want him to know I have lots of free time now too and not trapped in all weekends!

PLease Mirror can you kindly take a mo to advise me...?

Eagerly awaiting your reply and as always, and thanking you with all my heart and soul for your advice.

You are an incredible lady xxxx; October 17, 2013 at 1:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous Oct 16,6:34 PM.

"He re-started contact with me definitely wanting to meet, why would you bother doing that if it wasn't genuine."

For the same reason that hundreds of thousands of men do exactly the same thing - for sex - sexual benefits

I see what you're saying and I do think it's valid as an ulterior motive definitely but I have not been engaging in this behaviour with him and I will not be if he tries to broach it. So there is always the possibility in his mind that he could try and lead it down that path but at the present there's nothing going on that way, a bit of flirting but nothing sexual. So I still don't see that he's getting that much out of it.

Yes wholeheartedly this is definitely a lesson and journey for me in valuing myself, my self worth, constructing and respecting my boundaries etc. and I somehow I have to project, cultivate and form this within myself. On the surface yes I do value myself, think I deserve the best am worthy etc but probably deep down subconsciously there are issues of self worth. I also think across the board that worthiness is a deep collective/individual issue for everyone to a certain degree, even the players.

So I guess it's all about not saying anything but sending out that message of self-worth and valuing myself via my actions and behaviour and that I have to trust that he will be picking that up on some level perhaps without even realising it.

I know I have to do something in terms of no contact, it cannot continue as it is and I need to prioritise valuing myself and put that before anything else.

So are you saying it's the 30 days no contact here, are you saying that say if I mirror him with no contact for 2wks also that would not be enough to get the message over??

I've done 3mths no contact with this guy before at that time it was an absolute necessity there was no decision to be made, I never knew at the time how long it was going to be and I was mindful that the no contact might have been inifinite but letting it go and knowing that if it was meant to be it would come back
to me.

However, looking at the crime this time so to speak I'm not sure that a 30 days is necessary and whether to mirror for 2wks, will you let me know what you think?

Thank you; October 17, 2013 at 2:58 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror. I know, I did not even take my own advice. I waited a mere 18 hours to respond when I should have waited 3 days or as you said, not responded at all.

My gut tells me this guy isn't gone yet though. In the past, when we were "dating" (if you could call if that) I probably would have cheerfully and breezily replied, "yes, some other time!" but this time I went silent. That is unlike my friendly, welcoming, effervescent self that he has come to know. ;-)

So I think he may pop up in another 30 days or so. Or not. Who knows. And then I'll probably have lost interest completely. I have no desire to write back to him whereas in the past, I would have questioned my decision to not reply. Now I just feel like "meh". I don't have the energy to put into feeling badly about him anymore.

Silence is golden, again, and I'm not saying a word nor will my fingers do any talking. If I hear from him sooner (like within a week or two) what do you suggest?; October 17, 2013 at 3:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LibraGirl,
I think there are additional pieces on this site that could empower you with strength and clarity of sight:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

And:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Lastly:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/12/woman-must-have-happiness-dating.html

Start in that order with those three. . .and see how you feel afterwards ;-)

You're not alone and as you can see, there is support and a community of women experiencing similar feelings, emotions and situations here - so welcome to the community dear. . .this is where you're journey begins :-); October 17, 2013 at 5:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @PiscesGirl,
It's okay dear - it's called "relapse" LOL ;-)

I liken a lot of the attachment disorders women form with men to addiction. And what most people don't realize about addiction is that. . .relapse is actually part of the recovery process. So it's to be expected.

It takes use years as individuals for form these self-defeating behavior patterns - and as a result, it also takes years of hard WORK, repeated practice and lots of trial and error and learning from our mistakes to reverse them :-); October 17, 2013 at 5:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn,
Very true indeed and thank you for contributing that.

It leads back to - stop DOING things and acting like an appliance in a lot of ways for a man:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2008/05/women-and-relationships-reclaiming-your.html

Meaning, stop - just stop sometimes - come to a complete halt, a total standstill with a man. . .and see what happens. Does he express concern? Or does he just dig for more? And does he even notice you've disappeared?

Because this, "it was me listening, me giving him support, me laughing at his jokes and telling him he was great" - is actually DOING something, without RECEIVING something in return.

We've all done it. We give, give, give until we're blue in the face and then wonder why we're not loved and appreciated in return for it. Well, it doesn't work that way ladies. As a matter of face, in this day and age, it has the complete opposite effect.

It will not get you loved - it will get you taken advantage of :-(

So don't be so quick to jump in a fulfill a man's needs without him PROVING to you that he can reciprocate and that he cares enough to do so (by giving YOU attention, support, consistency, time spent, etc.)

There are many things out there that people feel they lack. Love, attention, a boost, etc. Their needs stem from "lack." Their happiness is gained from "without" - meaning they lack something, they are without something - and they turn to outside individuals to fill that void for them.

Health, happiness and well-being stem from not from "without" (external), they stem from "within" (internally). So when you feel that you're providing more than you're receiving . . . it's time to step back. It's time to pull back the reigns ladies.

Don't let someone suck you dry like a vampire - and then leave you for dead.; October 17, 2013 at 5:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 16,6:34 PM,
"looking at the crime this time"

You don't minimize his crimes down to one single event dear - you look at the BIG picture. How he's treated you from day one. This latest instance is just another instance in a long line of instances. Get what I'm saying? So you don't look at this one little thing, you look at the entire relationship and how he's treated you over that length of time.

"I still don't see that he's getting that much out of it."

He's not receiving that benefit YET - but if he doesn't have to do too much to receive it, he's surely going to try.

This guy hasn't been consistent and he hasn't been good to you - and honestly, I don't think he's worth any continued effort on your part :-(

If it were me, I'd never respond to him - and I'd never look back.; October 17, 2013 at 5:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61
"Now I just feel like "meh". I don't have the energy to put into feeling badly about him anymore."

That's actually a blessing dear - and it'll only get easier as time goes on.

"If I hear from him sooner (like within a week or two) what do you suggest?"

Well, if it were me (uh oh, LOL). . .I'd get real firm with this one - and I'd not respond. I'd put this one to the test right then and there - and I'd wait to see if he gave a shit frankly. It only takes one "non-response" to see what you're worth to someone else. And then you have your answer and you're free to put him behind you once and for all if that happens - or - for the first time, you see a different side of him and he suddenly comes around.

Either way, put him to the test and you'll have your answer in a jiffy ;-)

And what would give me the strength to do that at this time. . .would be the fact that he so easily replaced me for a date. I'm a bull, Taurus, and that would tick me off tremendously as a huge slap in the face. And me being me, LOL, at that point - head down, heels dug in - no one's moving me, LOL.

And I would use that anger and betrayal - as my driving force. I would take something negative, and I would use it to construct something positive - my own personal inner strength ;-)

If you don't think you're quite strong enough to stand up for yourselves yet ladies. . .I'm telling you, nothing can make you stronger - than you're focused anger, LOL ;-) Use it to your advantage. Don't let it bring you down, let it lift you up. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself or thinking about the fantasy of what "might have been" or "what it could have been" - get pissed, really pissed off about how you've been treated - and then use that to your advantage. It can empower you to greater things believe it or not.

You can either let your anger and sadness destroy you - or you can focus it into one, tremendously powerful driving force.; October 17, 2013 at 5:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Basically to him, a high level of emotions = tons of work, lots of time invested, neediness and dependency and very little fun."

@Anonymous Oct 17, 1:26 PM,
Yes. And not just men dear - highly unmanageable emotions can do that to anyone, male or female. It's draining and not fun. And many refer to it as "drama" - theatrics.

"If I carry on the no contact rule, how will he know that there's 'no more hard work' to run away from?"

You let things happen naturally dear. You remain silent and let him resurface when HE is READY. You don't send out a press release or an announcement that you're "okay" now. You give him the space and time necessary to miss you - and to become curious about how you're doing - and let that compel him to reach out to you.

"I just want to know where I stand"

You don't need him to tell you that dear - his actions are already telling you that. And right now, unfortunately, where it stands is, it's over. Try to accept that as fact right now and cease feeling the need to "do" something to control this and nudge him and move this along. Be okay with yourself. Be okay being alone, Become independent during that time and get used to living your life that way and use your coping skills to get you through the rough patches. If you do that, you're anxiety will cease and you'll find piece of mind - with or without a man.

"is it wrong to let him know this, if done in a non-needy way?"

Regretfully dear, there is no way to do that without appearing needy. The very act itself of attempting to lure him back like that can be interpreted as needy :-( Because when someone is independent, they don't "need" to lure people back to them with such attempts, ya' know?

"I am independent and carefree again"

Give yourself more time to live like that dear, independent and without him. Because in reality, if you had truly become independent and carefree as you claim. . .you would not "need" to try to lure him back and you would not "care" that he is gone.

Living independent and carefree means exactly that - independent is solitary (alone) and carefree is without care (about someone else). Get what I'm saying?

Relax dear. Continue doing what you're doing, practice coping skills to manage the anxiety and take care of yourself. And if it was meant to be, it will be - and you won't have to lift a finger to make it happen :-); October 17, 2013 at 6:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies,
An interesting study:
http://healthland.time.com/2013/10/17/deep-voiced-men-make-bad-mates-study/

"Men with deeper voices have an advantage in attracting women, but mostly if they’re looking for a fling, new research suggests."

And more credence to the fact that "macho men" and players simply do NOT make good boyfriends, lovers and husbands. Which apparently, women are finally catching onto according to the study:

"some women have come to adaptively understand that more macho guys are more likely to cheat — and have thus learned to avoid macho-sounding guys for serious life partnering."

"The deep-voiced men were chosen more often for short term relationships, but mostly by certain sorts of women—those who had already expressed a belief that a bass voice often led to fishy behavior."

Macho, loud, uncaring and abrasive = No go, LOL ;-)

Sensitive, soft-spoken, caring and chivalrous = green light, go!; October 17, 2013 at 6:25 PM
Sleepless In NYC said...: Well I think I finally got rid with this guy who has caused me so much anguish over the last year: 99% of my posts have been about him- disappearing for a month, returning and texting me but not asking me out, lazy and never want to go out a real date, etc. I stuck around for a year and we were never in a relationship---just occasional dates!!! We had two talks regarding "our relationship" one initaited by him and other by me and both times, he acknowledged and apologized for his behavoir but never made any changes.

One thing which is a constant since he reappeared last year is that he never goes more than a few days without texting. Even if I don't respond, he lets a few days go by, and then texts again.

Mirror, I asked your advice weeks ago when he asked me out to dinner. When we were "seeing each other" (his words), getting him to go to dinner was a chore. He always came up with an excuse. Well you said I could accept the dinner invitation with no expectations and see what happens. I really wanted to meet him for dinner but the past mediocre treatment made me less inclined to jump at the dinner invite so I brushed it aside with a joke. He responded with something witty but didn't really follow-up to see if I was really serious and we left it at that.

I am thinking about moving to another state and mentioned it to him in response to one of his texts. We have communicated via texts several times after I mentioned the potential move. Anyways today I asked him if he would help me pack and he responded "No. I am too sad." I replied "very funny. so once again you never want to do anything. sounds familiar." He then said "I want to do something...like dinner and a movie." Why is he now talking about a proper outing when in the past he just wanted to stay indoors and that was even infrequent.?

Well I snapped and rehashed all the times he would make excuses. I haven't seen this man in three months and we live 20mins away from each other but now he is sad I am moving?

He has a tendency to "recoil" when he is confronted about his actions so his responses were just like "you've made fair points" "I care" etc etc. Well I told him I was done and how about we end it with the texting too. and he responded "oh my." I then responded "too dramatic for you?" He hasn't responded since then so I figure he is done. I still held out hope that he would finally express feeling for me and ask for another chance, blah blah blah you know like in the movies. Silly me! But I now realize he really didn't care and has been e-maintaining me and using me as a backup plan for awhile (I mentioned all of this in my text). Not a fun a feeling. Giving him the silent treatment as mirror advocates would probably have been the better route (versus unleashing his shortcomings via text) but I had just had enough. I snapped lol.

Mirror- do you think I will hear from him again? I realize you're not a psychic but do you have any thoughts?; October 17, 2013 at 7:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Mirror! Although I don't comment often I read your page every day. Your sage advice has brought me much comfort and courage to make the right decisions, thus avoiding adding additional unnecessary heartache and unhappiness to a past unhealthy situation. I'm actually going on a date with a decent man this Sunday and have finally been able to move on from the emotionally bankrupt man I was involved with. No regrets though as it was a valuable learning experience on what NOT to date. No more insecure men! Thanks so much - keep on keeping on.; October 17, 2013 at 7:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi can I ask ladies to be mindful of what we are saying and the affect it may have on others. I've commented recently and briefly on a situation whereby mirror advised me that it was ok for the guy I was communicating with response of 2wks and my 2hr later response in the context of casual dating. To the latest incident whereby he contacts me again 2wks later and I respond again 2hrs later and he doesn't get back to me and my post was to get clarity on how I should handle this.

'i really dont understand why ladies come on here asking for relationship advice and Mirror takes the time to respond and she is VERY clear about her viewpoints only for someone to turn around and do what she wants to do-initiate contact, respond right away and give him assurance that your still there on the back burner waiting for him to come around'

I can say that I've done none of that, my enquiry was as of the above and had I done any of the above I wouldn't expect to be judged and reprimanded or nor would I judge anyone on here who is struggling with difficult communications etc. This forum is supposed to be for support and advice etc and that is what Mirror offers and it is of excellence.

So please be careful what you say there are vulnerable people on here and as you have experienced problems of this nature yourself then a bit of sensitivity and forethought wouldn't go a miss; October 17, 2013 at 10:17 PM
Pisces Girl said...: i just had to come on here again before bedtime!lol i read all your comments- such pivotal points you make they really resonate particularly about turning something negative into something positive and using your hurt and anger as your driving force to do so because thats a lot of energy that needs to be released and in a way thats positive and beneficial to you and/or others. Ive been working out and feeling better doing so its helped with my anxiety as well. And as for macho men i hate that im attracted to macho men or really manly men they tend to have man type jobs ie construction and they all have that cocky asshole streak and even though they tend to be physically attractive they are way less likely to be faithful and treat a woman with respect and that doesnt make them very manly at all!! i wish i was more attracted to the guy next door who might not necessarily look like a 10 but who would be caring and attentive and treat me with a lot of respect but i hate to say this i dont like a guy who's too nice or smothering that annoys me and i just wanna run-i think every girl has a type and maybe its time for me to re-evaluate my type because if thats all that im attracted to and im in turn attracting them to me then im in big trouble because they arent good guys they usually just set out to add another notch to their belt-really starting to hate the male species and not be attracted to them at all!sighh; October 18, 2013 at 2:04 AM
LibraGirl said...: @Mirror

Thank you. I will have a look at those articles.

Getting ready to face Day 5 of No Contact. I know it's way to soon to expect to hear from him, but jeez - i just feel like pulling the covers over my head & staying in bed! *sigh* It's difficult staying strong, but I'm determined to see it through.

Will keep you updated.; October 18, 2013 at 5:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies and Anonymous Oct 17, 10:17 PM,
It's okay dear, no one has singled you out. You're not the only one here experiencing those circumstances. And no one is passing judgment. I think what she was attempting to make others realize is that I actually put a lot of time into this. And when I do that, and the individual then does the opposite. . .and ends up right back here, asking for more of my time as a result. . .it is disheartening I will admit. However, I do realize that relapse is a part of recovery and I do realize that I have chosen to do this of my own free will and as a result, I must accept those circumstances.

But on the same token, I will admit that this may not be the correct community for extremely sensitive individuals. Meaning, there's a lot of tough love so-to-speak and good long hard talks with ourselves here that yes - can be painful at times. Because we're dealing with a lot of hard truths here and as we all know, sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes, we lie to ourselves.

We're all here working on ourselves that's hard. One could liken it to military boot camp, LOL - and boot camp ain't easy - and neither is looking in the mirror sometimes. It's work. Really hard work, really hard conversations, really hard talks.

But in the end - there's a really big payoff gals :-)

So let's not take anything personally, and let's not point fingers - and let us all add a dose of compassion to the conversation. We're all on the same journey ladies. Mistakes will be made. Lessons will be learned. That's part of the process of growth.

And if we're going to travel the same path, we need to lock arms and support one another on it :-); October 18, 2013 at 8:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sleepless In NYC,
"Why is he now talking about a proper outing when in the past he just wanted to stay indoors and that was even infrequent?"

Because he's finally seeing an "end" dear. He's seeing/feeling/experiencing you pulling away. And that is what is so valuable about no contact. It's not meant to screw with people. It's not meant to be used maliciously. It's actually meant to assist one in realizing whether or not they care for you - and sometimes, particularly with men. . .that is not experienced until there's an "end" - an absence. Because men experience feelings during absence, unlike women, who experience feelings during togetherness.

I cannot repeat this enough gals. If you want to a man to experience any feelings for you at all, it's necessary to GIVE HIM THE SPACE to do so.

A lot of women here admit that they do not like clingy, needy, smothering men. Well, men do not like clingy, smothering, needy women either. It works both ways.

If he truly cares, yes, you will hear from him again. If he doesn't, then you won't - and you will have your answer :-); October 18, 2013 at 8:40 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror thanks for commenting on this one. the ladies Anonymous Oct 17, 10:17 PM,

To be fair if you read back over the threads I think you will find that this person was referring to one of my posts of 'burning bridges' :( LOL but it's ok I'm not talking it personally :)

My point is that people need to be mindful of what they are saying as there will be vulnerable people on here whether it is the correct place for them or not. Obviously you have training in this sort of a thing and the qualities and experience as well and although it is not a counselling website there will be many crossover points as with dealing with things such as relationship dynamics and it does require compassion, sensitivity and even challenging peoples behaviours (which could be classed as tough love) to name a few and you do this with great skill and finesse. It doesn't remove the fact that others need to be mindful on their behaviour on here and what they say as there will be vulnerable people on here to varying degrees.

But like you say we are on the same path and should be in support of one another and it is not easy the journey but it doesn't give others the right to start judging/critical of others and coming down with the heavy hammer when people relapse or have not the strength to follow advice etc. and I'm not talking about myself here I'm just making the point. I've got broad shoulders :)

and needless to say everyone more than appreciates what you do and I do acknowledge it must get a bit frustrating sometimes and an occupational hazard of sorts in terms of frustration and disheartenment. One of my friends works with people with alcohol dependency and she says it's the most frustrating unrewarding client-groups to work with in terms of change as they promise you the world but half the time the only thing they are really committed to is the alcohol unfortunately :(

So I do recognise your journey in this and what you volunteer in bringing to the table and trying to make a difference to others peoples lives is admirable and what I aspire to myself.

So thank you; October 18, 2013 at 9:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 18, 9:59AM,
I understand how it may appear that way dear, but if you look closely, you're not the only woman this week who's suffered a relapse and/or initiated contact/responded against their better judgment, LOL ;-) It happens often and it's part and parcel of the overall growth experience so it's to be expected a few times. However, when you see a repeated pattern of it, over the course many, many months, then it becomes clear that the individual is "stuck" in negative, self-defeating behavior patterns at which point, nothing short of a complete mental shift in their own mind can really help.

Either way, we all fall down and skin our knees along the path. And rather than vent our frustrations, we need to just bend over and lend a hand to help that person back to their feet :-)

And just to clarify, because I don't want any misunderstandings here, I am not formally trained. I am simply a woman who does this in her free time. I have a full-time job outside of this website and this is not my job and/or how I earn a living for myself. But I have "been there, done that" and I've learned more than a few things along that bumpy road, LOL. And I like to take what I have learned, and share it here with other women. Those that find it helpful remain in the community and those that don't can enact their free will and decide to leave. Basically, we're all here by choice and it's your individual choice as to whether or not you agree with the information shared here.

I provide no professional services and I have no formal training - other than life experience and street smarts - which in my opinion, can be much more valuable than formal schooling many times.

Some would choose to call it a gift - while I prefer to look at it simply as common sense ;-); October 18, 2013 at 11:46 AM
pisces girl said...: @ anonymous i honestly didnt mean to offend you or judge you with my post i do apologise! im really not here to pass judgement on you or anyone else- im growing and learning and making mistakes along the way like everybody else. I guess being an active member of this community for some time now and visiting daily and reading all the posts i see time and time again many ladies coming on here seeking advice/counselling and Mirror takes the time to respond and its almost like it goes in one ear and out the other. I feel this frustration with my female friends as well when i give em the best i got (a lot of what ive learned from here thanks to Mirror) and that requires time effort and energy expended on my part and they chose to not pay attention or completly disregard what ive said and instead go and do what they wanna do which has never working for them.i find sometimes its almost pointless to give some women advice or counselling about men because they -like the alcoholics are more committed to their addiction than making real long lasting change that deep down they really want. I may have misunderstood what you were asking and seeking clarification about-again im sorry.; October 18, 2013 at 11:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Dearest Mirror

Re Mr. T

Some of my friends say the best thing they did was write a txt or email agreeing with the break up. Saying that in end it was for best and thankyou. The idea being that you take the power back, that you are on their side so that any feelings of you being the 'enemy' go away

And so that you flip the switch into them thinking you ve dumped them in a way

This apparently gets them thinking about you non-stop, as you quite rightly say people want what they can t have. If you end it with 'am moving on' but wish them well, you are flipping the switch

I wanted to do this and then the no contact rule - of course I value your advice higher than any others and wondered what you think of this tactic?

I will not make a move and have not until I hear back!

Cant wait for my big girly night tomorrow - MUST leave phone at home to avoid any cringeworthy drunken txts!!!

XXXXXX Mirror as always I love you to bits XXXXX; October 18, 2013 at 5:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 18, 5:24PM,
No dear, I don't suggest that. It's an obvious excuse to make contact and men know that. It would have been an acceptable response the day it happened, but after a considerable amount of time has passed, it will come off looking like a ploy to contact him and open the lines of communication again.

"This apparently gets them thinking about you non-stop, as you quite rightly say people want what they can't have."

Your silence is saying the same thing to him, it has the same effect. There's no need to contact him and repeat that message verbally with WORDS. Your ACTIONS are already telling him that.

I do not suggest it. But you do have the power of choice and you have free will. You can freely choose to do whatever you like :-); October 19, 2013 at 8:37 AM
chk61 said...: I agree with Mirror that the only time to agree with the break up is WHEN it happens, or shortly thereafter. Unfortunately, if a woman is being dumped, she often is not prepared to be completely composed and have her wits about her to logically agree with the break up while it is happening. And if a man does a disappearing act or a fade away, then contacting him to agree with this behavior doesn't really make sense.

I think if you knew the break up was coming but the guy beat you to it, and you could have time to prepare to "turn the tables" on him by agreeing right then and there with the break up and thanking him, then smiling and holding your head high as you walk away, that could be effective and could make the woman feel powerful and perhaps make the guy feel like he was also dumped. Yet I think this is difficult to pull off if you've been in denial that a break up was coming and were taken aback when it happened.

I believe Mirror has posted this link before but it is written by a man and he also advises SILENCE when a man breaks up with you or fades away after dating/sex:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/02/the-importance-of-silence-after-break-up.html

Another man who advocates silence is Steve Santagati, who wrote "the MANual". If you go to Google books and search for this book you can find the chapter on "silence is golden" Chapter 36, Head Games.

Thanks Mirror for your support. I do feel pretty powerful being silent and not responding to this guy's last email because in the past I would think it was rude and that I would certainly "lose" him forever if I did not respond but I am well aware that the opposite is true. Silence works on us and it works on them as well. And truthfully, if he has any feelings for me, I would think he would get back in touch within the next week or two. If he doesn't, then I believe it will be one more nail in the coffin for him.; October 19, 2013 at 9:04 AM
Anonymous said...: I wanted to thank all of you for sharing your stories. It has given me strength and comfort reading your posts over the last couple of months. Things Mirror would comment on about insecure men started to sound very familiar. When I looked up info on "signs of an insecure man" I was shocked. It was as if these articles had been specifically written about my D.M. I couldn't understand his behavior. I kept wracking my brain trying to figure out what I said/did wrong. He fits every single one of the descriptions of an insecure man. It's a sad shame that a successful, grown man has such emotional issues. I confided in a close male friend awhile back about him, and he said the same thing- you're dealing with an insecure man, get rid of him. He went on to say that he didn't understand why I would be so hung up on someone like that. He said that women have so much power in relationships. That we need to be more picky and not settle. So I guess I have found some comfort in realizing there wasn't anything I could have done to make it work. He's just a hot mess- lol. I'm feeling at peace the last few days. Hard to explain, almost like I'm detached from myself, like change is in the air. Best to all of you!; October 19, 2013 at 4:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

@Gemini 50
Thank you for replying. No news, good news, isn´t it? I´m looking forward to your next updates.

@Mirror and everybody
I must only support what Mirror says about NC. As she says, these men always reappear, so don´t be afraid to go NC. There are many reasons why they return - out of curiosity; because their ego can´t stand the fact the woman dared reject them; they don´t have any new options and feel lonely; they are needy, etc., or they are genuinely interested and have finally come to this realization. The last reason is not as probable as the previous ones though. Taking into consideration the high number of reasons for their return, there is very high likelihood they will come back. What follows from this fact? That you can go NC carefree and with a firm belief the man will reappear. It´s the fear that prevents you from doing it and this fear is absolutely useless considering the above facts.

I wish you all a nice weekend,
HopefulWithMen; October 19, 2013 at 4:07 PM
Pisces Girl said...: "a ploy to contact him and open the lines of communication again" thats exactly what i used to do in the past!!!! and it never worked out for me because guys arent stupid they know that girls are always planning and scheming and looking for ways to get back into their lives and get attention- the best advice ive ever received from you Mirror was to stay silent and let that speak in and of itself-no action is the best way to go and even though its hard to do nothing it really is so empowering it makes me feel stronger and instead of focusing my energy and attention on a man who doesnt really care for me or value me as a woman i refocus that energy and attention on myself and feel better and build my confidence. I aspire to be a strong confident woman who knows her full value and worth and would never settle or lower her standards just to have a 'man' or change her status to 'in a relationship' cause some are so toxic. Thank you Mirror for standing your ground you are so consistent in the message you try to relay to us and you don't go back and forth so it makes it very crystal clear what the right thing to do is.This site has truly helped me build my confidence -very thankful xo; October 19, 2013 at 4:58 PM
LibraGirl said...: Well, I've made it to day 7 of No Contact. Not a peep from my Libra Guy yet, which makes me feel really sad :-(

Feeling pretty low at the moment, but still trying to stay strong & see this through. Onward to week 2...; October 20, 2013 at 6:23 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Libra girl,

Take heart! Hang on in there it gets better...In my experience of doing no contact it is always very hard in the first week, not much better by the second but I think beyond this it does get a bit easier maybe by about week three and you start to feel a bit more empowered that you can do it but it takes the passage of time I feel and faith to get to this point and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course we may all experience it in different time-frames but that is just my personal experience.

I'm currently in another no contact with two different men and one I've already done one with in the past so it is a right head fuck as even though I've experienced it before and got to the other side of it I don't feel any better at the moment, however, it is only 2wks with one of them. So I will plough on in the hope I will find some relief soon.

It's good to stay strong even if you are struggling like hell with it because you know it's the right and the only thing to do and the other options cause even more torment. You have to have your own best interests at heart because only you can look after yourself and I hope you find some comfort in this.; October 20, 2013 at 11:18 AM
VirgoPal said...: Hey Ladies- I've been following the board silently over the past few weeks, and my word of advice about any guy who is ignoring you or has pulled a disappearing act is to let them go. It hurts and sucks that it didn't work out, but in my experience over this crazy year is that a good man will not leave a woman hanging regardless of what's going on in his life. I dated a psychopathic Radiologist, and he taught me so many things about my lack of boundaries and the crap I put up with him including the disappearing acts, silent treatment, and emotional manipulation. I took the advice of Mirror months ago, and I was able to finally wake up and realize that man was BS. He tried to dupe me into a psuedo relationship with him for his own sexual benefits not paying any mind that I was a virgin desiring a committed relationship. I paid attention to the red flags and saw that his ACTIONS didn't match his words. I filtered and then when the time was right I turned the tables on him and went no contact for good!

Reading most of the stories I see this is typical behavior of half interested men. I only ask, how can you respect someone who is obviously not respecting you?You teach people how to treat you, and if you go chasing him after he basically disrespected you, then you are signaling that you are lonely and that you need him. He will come back, but he will never respect you enough to make you his wife or someone of value.No one is that special! Leave the insecure losers to someone else to worry about and find yourself a real man!; October 20, 2013 at 6:21 PM
Life short. Smile often :) said...: Hi Mirror! It's me again :) Hope you're doing well! So my guy has been texting me AGAIN! This is his fourth or fifth attempt and it's safe to say it's been about 2 months of NC. Can you tell me if he does not apologize should I at least say something about our last conversation or just start a new convo? That way if he does the disappearing again I go POOF like a Houdini. Do guys get to a desperate point when the woman have disappeared on them they start filling up their phone with text messages and do other things to get through to us? This is the first time I ever seen him try so hard just to get my attention by attempting to text over and over again as weeks go by. It's kinda funny because as I mentioned before he is a very handsome man and majority of the "good looking" people whether man or women tend to act COOL by playing it down and not ever acting like they're needy or desperate. I'm secretly loving this because he's never done this before and I feel I have a lil bit of the power him atm. Thank god I found you for guidance and listened to you and I now I totally see what you mean by this DRM article because your 100% RIGHT!! May I ask what your take on this be Mirror? I really do like the guy and I want to be able to see him again and move very slow with him but I need him to understand who I am there are certain things I will not tolerate. THANKS MIRROR! <3

God Bless; October 20, 2013 at 6:32 PM
Gemini50 said...: Hey All,
Tough weekend, tough few days…

Thursday/Friday my head was out of whack. I did a couple stupid brain-dead things pertaining to getting my car fixed at shop that just made life harder on myself… it’s not like me.

On Saturday I was still struggling, but tried to relax to let it pass. GF had asked me a month ago to go to an annual fall concert Saturday night. I figured that Scorpio’s friend would be the opening act, and I figured I had to start facing this if I’m ever going to move on. I agreed to go without mentioning Singer or Scorpio.

When we get there, I park my car in the first open space I see. When getting our chairs from the back, I glance over to a bus parked in next lane and recognize t-shirts. It’s Scorpio’s friends. (UGH!)

As we walked by the bus, a couple women commented on my coat. (It’s an outdoor event and I came prepared.) I smiled and said it was a great coat, and kept walking (but thinking "F!" and wondering if Scorpio was here.)

We set our chairs pretty close to the stage, and as people start coming in, guess what group ends up sitting right at my left and behind us? Yep, Singer’s family/friends. (UGH! And I still don’t say anything to GF. I’m just hoping I can get thru this with light and grace.)

The woman next to me is very nice, and next to her is Singer’s step-father (her mom is behind me). They all are very nice; very rowdy, my age group, doing their thing and enjoying life supporting their girl. They are a very strong and supportive unit, it was nice to see.

After her set, Singer came to see the group, and she notices me – but we don’t say anything. She’s busy with her family/friends and local fans. Later, I notice her mother and step-father each taking a good look at me. I just respectfully acknowledged them with our eye-contact.

My daughter’s friend, Big Guy, was also at concert (Singer’s parents want Singer to be with him rather than the guy she is currently seeing). When I walked passed him and said hi, he gave me a big hug. Big Guy invited me back to a bar everyone was going to after the concert; but I declined. I thanked him and explained I was driving, so drinking was limited. He understood.

After the third musician, the group decides to head back to their bus, and GF has become the new bff to the woman next to me. GF is now going to check out the bus. I agree to walk back with them, but have no intention of doing anything with this group or going on that bus. Once there, GF hops on the bus, I go to my car to get a beer and walk back to the concert. No one notices I have no interest in the people or the bus, and no one cares. (PHEW!)

-continued-; October 20, 2013 at 8:14 PM
Gemini50 said...: -continued 2 of 2-

I head back to the concert and decide to mull around and people-watch (the last act wasn’t that good). I’m fine, I feel good that I listened to and took care of myself. I don’t see GF again until the end of the event; and I can see she is gauging my reaction. But I’m good – I honestly don’t care what she did – she has her own lessons to learn. We head back and she asks if I want to join the party on the bus because there is a really hot guy she’s been “rubbing (herself) on.” She’s also thrilled that she is now part of this Singer’s “circle.”

It’s here that I tell her this is Scorpio’s clan, and I’d rather just head home. She asks for a few minutes to see the guy before we leave.

Sure, no problem, and as I wait in my car, I can see clearly the difference in our choices: respect for self vs. not.

I am proud of myself that I listened to and took care of my self. There will be no stories for Singer or her group to go back to Scorpio with about me other than I was at the concert, having a good time, and chit-chatting with one of the women from the group.

On the drive home, GF tells me about the guy. He’s 30 yrs old (she’s 52), and although she had no intention of furthering along anything with him, she enjoyed (whatever it was they were doing) and she “could have gone to the back of the bus, with him," but didn’t.

As I’m listening, all I am thinking is that I am so glad I didn’t step one foot on that bus or show any interest in integrating myself into the group. These are Scorpio’s friends/family -- his; and my actions were not only about respecting myself, but also respecting him.

I made it through yesterday, it’s been a very tough day today, and tomorrow is a new one (with another chance to keep moving forward!) Just keep breathing.; October 20, 2013 at 8:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Don't worry dear, you did the right thing. Had that been you on the bus acting a bit inappropriate in any manner (yes, when you go to the back of a bus with a man, people on the bus know what you're doing, LOL), I think you would've regretted it big time.

Better safe than sorry :-); October 21, 2013 at 8:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Life short. Smile often,
"Can you tell me if he does not apologize should I at least say something about our last conversation or just start a new convo?"

You're free to do as you please dear. However, if it were me - no - I would not respond without an apology or an acknowledgment of some sort that expresses remorse for his actions towards you.

When women accept the man back into their life WITHOUT that apology or show of remorse from the man, basically, that signals to the man that you've ACCEPTED their poor treatment and as a result, the woman generally suffers an immediate repeat of a disappearing act within the next four weeks or so.

If the woman starts that conversation, then the apology she receives (if she receives one) is NOT genuine. It is only done so that the man can receive benefits by doing so (sexual ones usually). The point of NC when used like this is to give the man enough time, and enough silence, to make HIM see that an apology is necessary here, that it's the right thing to do. When the woman jumps in and kickstarts the process herself BEFORE the man has seen that it's necessary (through her repeated silence), then she cuts the psychological process necessary for him to realize an apology is what's in order short - and as a result, she never receives the apology and generally receives another disappearing act instead.

The exercise is to meant to help you stop yourself from feeling the need to "do" something to nudge things along, speed them up or control the situation - and instead, let the silence and the man's conscious nudge him along to do the right thing instead.; October 21, 2013 at 8:50 AM
LibraGirl said...: @Anonymous October 20

Thank you for your kind words & support. Yes, it's very difficult for me at the moment. This isn't a guy that I was dating for a couple of months - it's someone who has been in my life for almost 4 years. So at the moment, No Contact is making me feel very anxious & depressed. I'm constantly bursting into tears, and feel on the verge of a panic attack every time I think about him never contacting me again.

It's pathetic, I know. But it is what it is, and it is how I feel.

But I'm still hanging in there so far. Day 8 and counting...; October 21, 2013 at 8:53 AM
Mltn said...: LibraGirl:

What brought me here was a disappearing act from a guy I dated who was my best friend of 7 years and a co-worker. We were extremely close, talking 1-3 hours a day, texting, emailing, spending time in each others' offices, going to lunch. We routinely called each other from vacations, work conferences, etc. We had a fight once and didn't talk for a day, and when we "made up" (there was nothing romantic between us at that time, at least not overtly), we both said that it sucked not talking to each other and we didn't want to go through that again. Constant, intense communication was the central feature of our relationship for nearly a decade.

So, yes, it was SO hard to go no contact. Working with him doesn't help. For the first couple of weeks, I was totally adrift and distraught. I didn't think I could do this. He was the center of my life.

So I get what you're going through, I really do. One way to look at it is this - if he was part of your life that long, you were part of his life that long, too. He's going to feel your absence more acutely than a man you only knew a few weeks or months. He is going to have a similar experience where he is shocked by the absence of someone who was part of his life. This is, obviously, the point of the exercise - to make him feel your absence and figure out what that means to him and what he's willing to do to have you back in his life.

What might help you is to draft emails to him pouring out your heart, then DELETE them without sending them. If you can't stand not talking to him, this can help you get past the "need to do something" phase without breaking no contact. Otherwise, distractions, including dating. And keep firing yourself up by remembering that you deserve better, that you deserve a guy who wants and pursues you, for you as a person. You deserve a love story. You should not settle for half-assed treatment.; October 21, 2013 at 11:33 AM
Anonymous said...: Dearest Mirror

Well its three weeks today that Mr.T - the man I thought I was going to spend teh rest of my life with - dumped me by text and walked out of my life.

Not a thing since and I ve aplpied NC rule ; his stuff s still at my house I really want soem kind of closure now

Something wierd happened at the weekend that I wanted to share with you...

I was feeling rather low (its that heartbroken/rejection thing - hard to control!) and didnt want to go out with my friends. But I forced myself to put on my glad rags and look as beautiful as poss and went into town with three friends

WELL my word, I had men throwing themselves at me. I told a few I d just been dumped (its first time since amd sixteen i ve been dumped - the pride /ego seriously struggled plus so many questions unanswered by teh way he did it!) and they could not believe it. One guy was kinda cute so I even gave him my number

Then out of teh blue I saw this really FIT tall hunk and I just got teh confidence to talk to him. I cant remember much what I said as I was a bit tipsy , but we really hit it off

we hung out teh rest of teh night and am meeting him on Wednesday for a date !

I know I need to take it easy - never thought in a MILLion years I would be getting out there this fast. Told him I am just up for a friendship for now as its way too soon - but just wanted to ask if this is normal during teh NC period?? I feel SO much better than I did ... confidence back up there again!

I dont even think I could take Mr.T back now after the way he s treated me... but if he d walked in teh door sat I would have taken him back then and there??

Whats goign on? I feel like a new woman!

Should I not tell Mr. T to come get his stuff so I can start over? SHould I delete him off my google plus contacts ? I know he s deleted himself off my phone contacts and as you say am presumign its all over from his part

I read in your article teh need for closure women experience. How can I achieve this without contacting him?

Do you still think Mr.T will get in touch?

Feelign empowered and liberated in only two weeks adn five days it took - what a turn around ! Though am still unsure as to what exactly is going on lol!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Mirror! :) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX; October 21, 2013 at 1:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 21, 1:20 PM,
"just wanted to ask if this is normal during the NC period?"

Yes, that is proper use of the NC period. That period, when used as you're using it, is to help you detach emotionally from the man and move on with grace and dignity. It's a time when you should be focusing on YOU, not on the man, and building up your self-esteem and establishing a new sense of self-worth - and attention from other men helps you do/see just that.

"Whats goign on? I feel like a new woman!"

You are properly detaching from a negative/toxic situation dear and you're transitioning into a healthy new confidence, attitude and period of your life :-)

"Should I not tell Mr. T to come get his stuff so I can start over?"

No. He knows where his stuff is and when he wants it, let HIM come to YOU to get it.

"SHould I delete him off my google plus contacts ?"

I would not react in that manner. Instead, I'd leave things be and remain silent and continuing on with your life as you are.

"How can I achieve this without contacting him?"

That "need for closure" that women seek is just about ego dear. It really serves no purpose and it doesn't offer anything solid. It simply amounts to your ego being bruised and, much like a child, demanding to be fed with continued attention. Ignore that voice in your head. Instead, continue what you're doing and taking healthy steps and actions towards a new confidence, attitude and lifestyle. That will serve you much better than digging up the graves of the past seeking this elusive thing we call "closure."

"Do you still think Mr.T will get in touch?"

If you give him plenty of time to do so without contacting him first, then yes, if he wants his stuff, he'll be forced to break the silence and contact YOU :-)

You have the power right now, it's your silence and the coping skills you are now creating for yourself to deal with negative situations - don't give that up :-); October 21, 2013 at 3:06 PM
LibraGirl said...: @Mltn

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate. My posts look a bit pathetic among everyone else's - you ladies all seem so strong! - but it is early days for me, and I AM trying...

I guess I'm struggling because we didn't break up - neither of us dumped the other one. We had an argument about how I thought he was ignoring me & being distant (taking me for granted, is my inner feeling), and yes I reacted badly as I always do (too emotional, too needy, words not action etc.). And I told him - which I've done many times before - that I was 'going away for a while' because he 'didn't seem to like me very much at the moment'. To which he replied that I was paranoid. I've pulled this bluff before, but I've always resurfaced within a week, and contacted him like nothing happened.

SO - here I am now. I'm trying to stay strong, but I keep thinking that if he felt even HALF as terrible as I do now, he'd have contacted me by now. (Yeah, I know 8 days isn't that long, but it feels like years to me).

So never mind one day at a time, I'm taking it an hour at a time now! As for dating - no. I can't even think about looking at any other man right now, let alone dating. The interest is just not there.

Sorry all my posts are such a downer - but I AM still hanging in there. The posts in here really do help. I just wish there would be a *little* bit of contact so I could have some hope :-( But I do understand that No Contact is the best thing in the situation.

Thanks again x; October 21, 2013 at 3:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: For all the single ladies:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/21/no-marriage-reasons-not-getting-married_n_4117611.html

6 Reasons Never To Get Married (all very real points gals ;-); October 21, 2013 at 3:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LibraGirl,
"I can't even think about looking at any other man right now, let alone dating."

That's because you're not out meeting other men that may strike up your interest in them. If you meet a man, like our Anonymous above just did, that attracts your attention and makes you feel good about yourself and makes you feel sexy, etc. - then suddenly it's like, "Mr. Who?" LOL ;-)

But that cannot happen until you put yourself out there to meet them first.

"I just wish there would be a *little* bit of contact so I could have some hope"

That's all false hope generally dear. Hanging on for dear life and permitting a man to string you along by your willingness to do so - is NEVER a hopeful situation dear. Ever. If anything, it creeps further and further downhill into a real dark feeling of hopelessness - working and working at trying to keep something going without results creates hopelessness.

And you rarely, if ever. . .scratch that - NEVER - see women saying, "You know, I contacted him, he told me he missed me, he asked me on a date and he's been treating me like a queen ever since and we're getting married next month!" I mean. . .you never see that from those efforts of "a little contact" ya' know?

What you DO see looks more like this:

"I contacted him. A week later, he responded and all he said was, "Hey." We chatted for a bit - and then he disappeared again and I haven't heard from him since."

Letting go and moving forward = Hopeful.

Hanging on for dear life and sliding backwards downhill = Hopeless.

Remain hopeful dear ;-); October 21, 2013 at 3:36 PM
chk61 said...: Ugh. I just saw my D.M. on the online dating site where we met with his "IM" thing turned on - I guess he's hoping some lucky lady will IM him. ;-)

I will admit I felt a pang of self-doubt, like maybe I should have written back the other day.....so rather than fall prey to these self-defeating impulses, I am posting here instead. Obviously I still haven't completely moved out of fantasy land with this guy, thinking that by staying in touch with him I would somehow be increasing the possibility that he will come to his senses, realize I'm amazing and become the man I had hoped he would be. The opposite - staying silent - is true. I may never heard from him again and I suppose if that is the case, it would be a blessing. I think he would be "work" anyway, he would require a LOT of training and lately, I just don't have the energy for training a grown man how to be an adult and how to treat people. ;-)

Reading everyone's latest posts has been very helpful and motivating. If I contacted him it sends the message that he can disappear for 33 days (after leaving ME hanging in an email exchange) and I'll reward him by responding "sure, let's try for another time". That's what I would normally have done but this time, it would certainly be a step backward. I remain silent and know that all will be OK no matter what.

Thanks again to MOA and all you awesome ladies. Stay strong! :-); October 21, 2013 at 4:21 PM
LibraGirl said...: @Mirror

Thanks so much for your reply. I do totally understand what you're saying about No Contact, and I know that it has to be proper No Contact to be effective. What I meant by "I wish there could be a little bit of contact" - was that I wish there could be a little bit of contact from HIM by now, just so I could have some hope that he was missing me at all. As I said, these 8 days have felt like years. But I am taking your advice to heart, and I know that I can't contact him, if I'm to break this cycle at all.

As for dating - it's just really not an option for me at the moment, sorry :-( I've been in love with the guy for almost 4 years. I can't start dating other men just 8 days after not having contact with him. We didn't even 'break up' officially. I'm not at all ready for that yet. I will have to find some other means of distraction.

As I said - I'm just taking it hour by hour at the moment. That's about the best I can do right now :-); October 21, 2013 at 4:28 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

Thank you. Gosh, I would never do anything like what GF was doing -- not even in my younger days. I'm a very private person, so no worries there. ;-)

My angst was because I considered I would see Singer in passing, we'd say a quick hello and that would be it (and a good push towards my getting over Scorpio). Instead, Singer's family/friends were around me at every turn from the time I arrived to the time I left -- no getting away from them it seemed -- and the constant "in my face" was just a huge WTF?!?! (Keep in mind, Singer's family had no idea of our connection thru Scorpio, only Singer knows. The way her parents were looking at me at one point, Singer may have said something to them, but who knows.)

I'm feeling better about it all today. I have absolutely no regrets. I am proud of myself, and actually glad everything happened the way it did. I had choices in front of me the entire night -- and I made each one of them for me.

As I thought about Saturday night today, I thought about your constant advise to women to hold their tongues with men. That's what I did Saturday night. I was cordial and respectful, but I didn't say much and mostly listened to the woman who sat next to me. I tried to just enjoy the entertainment -- which is what I was there for: to unwind, relax and listen to some good music.

I did not give up my Power in a situation that was very uncomfortable and awkward for me at the time -- I stayed true to my self. And I just realized writing this, if Singer did i.d. me to her parents, by my not saying anything, I gave them a chance to wonder about me.

So, yep, I'm still on the path -- it's work, but it's worth it!; October 21, 2013 at 6:51 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

are you also saying, that a man can and often resurfaces even after a fight or argument leading to not just a break-up but maybe feeling pressured from the dreaded "talk"? I've posted about my celibacy and giving in to this man and you initially said that he may have not intentionally start it out as a hit-it-and-quit-it situation, but that's what it seemed to end up like. I posted about it several times in the No Contact post. This is a man that I'e worked with before and knew a little bit about my past and how my divorce went down. And we started to reconnect last year. The last thing he texted me was the reason why he hasn't been responding because it seemed like I was "demanding" him to do thigns..to "do this and that" when basically my question was "Where is this going" but he kept bringing up talking about his schedule and when we could work it out and meet up (thought he had me waiting almost 1 week...if you're important to a person, would you make them wait a week??!!) But it wasn't about the schedule. It was about after a year...where is this all going. Cause I'ev made up my mind that een though we slept together only one time, I was not goign to keep sleeping with him for fun. All I could think about is if I was demanding "this and that" then it would've been that I had been asking is silence was his answer and him "falling back." Then he tells me his is not cruel!! And that he was dealing with stuff with his daughter and other things going on in his life. (he disappeared about 1 month before and I did not contact him then but his reason..."family stuff") ummm...confusing. Was that to throw me off? I did tell him that based on his ACTIONS, especially after we slept together, I never imagined for him to be a hit it and quit it type of dude. I told him I felt that his true character and colors came out. Then the last thing he texts me is: "I can see how you would take it like that....but I certainly wouldn't label myself as a hit it and quit it type of person...sorry you feel that way about me." IS HE REALLY SORRY? Please help me get clarification. It's been almost 6 weeks. But if a man is not cruel, then he wouldn't have to wait until someone points out his character to get a response and gives a response after 6 weeks! RIGHT?! Like I've said, it;s been almost 6 weeks since any contact. I deactivated Facebook, but when reactivating, should I even keep him on my Friends List? Yes, my definite choice is to keep silent. But will him seeing me on FB have any effect? Please help me gain insight into my questions. I'm just trying to keep learning so I will not make the same wrong decisions in the future. Why would he keep addressing the work schedule, but not the several times I asked about our status? Is it because he didn't want to burn any bridges?

But if something is meant to be..then it will be...

Just remember ladies, let HIM DO THE initiating of contact.

People, listen to MOA's advice. It is really solid. I've even asked some of my guy cousins who are former players. They said, you can ask a guy what his intentions are, but you never really know what he will do. His words aren't a guarantee. MOA says the same thing. So no need to ask..you will know by his ACTIONS! My other cousin also stated, if a guy is serious about you...he will want to meet your family! I agree!; October 22, 2013 at 12:40 AM
pisces girl said...: Am I crazy or does anybody else believe that we can actually draw people towards us through our thoughts??its the strangest thing when I happen to be thinking about someone i usually end up hearing from them by phone or bumping into them somewhere and its the very person i don't necessarily care to hear from or see but nonetheless it makes me wonder if you can attract that disappearing man that you want to hear from back to you by way of your thoughts which send out energy waves which are then transmitted to his mind through this electro-magnetic field we live in just by focusing on him long enough and you could even take that a step further and think about and picture what your ideal situation with him would look like if you could have your way in a perfect world. Its basically the law of attraction which seems to work very well in attracting entities so shouldn't it work the same way in attracting people and situations that we want ?? but i think what we receive back largely depends on the kind of energies we are sending out as well and whether they are loving and positive and hopeful or hateful and negative and fearful because that person that you are sending out those energies to may be attracted to the good loving feelings which would draw him towards you but if its the latter he would be repelled and run further away from you- with that being said how could you have good positive loving feelings towards a man who's done you wrong if you did you would be faking it just to bring him back to you so i suppose the universe is kind of doing you a favor by keeping him far away. On the flip side of this maybe people are actually thinking about you more when your thinking about them less like lets say you decide to go out on a date with someone else so your attention is focused on them and not disappearing man and then all of a sudden you get a missed call or text from disappearing man and that just may be because they felt your attention was diverted from them and they can actually feel that loss -loss of your loving energy and they will want it back. i just feel that the mind is such a powerful tool and we can self prophecize our future by stating what we want picturing it and thinking about it constantly (i know its worked for me in other instances in my life when it came to things that i wanted but i didn't give this theory much thought when it came to my relationships and human interactions) but i guess thinking about a disappearing man constantly who wasn't really good for you is non conducive to moving forward and rebuilding and regaining clarity and a sense of self worth- but even with no verbal communication such as no contact our thoughts are still loud in our minds and replaying over and over all day everyday and i think that the energy we send out through our thought waves are very powerful so it comes down to the question of- is he thinking about us MORE when we are thinking about him LESS or is he thinking about us MORE when were thinking about him constantly and obsessively- i just cant imagine that if you think about someone constantly all day every day they are not thinking about you at all! our thoughts are energy and that energy has to be sent out into the world and somehow land upon the individual that we are focusing that immense amount of energy on therefore they almost have to think about us even if they don't want to! that could definitely work to our advantage.; October 22, 2013 at 1:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"if Singer did i.d. me to her parents, by my not saying anything, I gave them a chance to wonder about me."

Yep, and even more importantly, you gave them NOTHING to TALK about hehe ;-) You remained composed, carried yourself like a lady, did not become competitive or vindictive and did not say anything that may come round and bite you in the butt later, LOL.

People "talk" (gossip) when you GIVE them something to talk ABOUT. If you don't do that, YOU retain the power and they are left with nothing [bad to say] ;-); October 22, 2013 at 11:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonoymous Oct 22, 12:40 AM,
"are you also saying, that a man can and often resurfaces even after a fight or argument leading to not just a break-up but maybe feeling pressured from the dreaded "talk"?"

Sure, the reason really doesn't matter - many of them, approximately 90% - come back, LOL.

"if you're important to a person, would you make them wait a week?"

Wait a week for a date? Yea, that's normal when casually dating. That's why it's called "casual." The definition of casual is "relaxed and unconcerned, not regular or permanent." So when casually dating someone (no commitment in place), you cannot expect "relationship" treatment (seeing/talking all the time, regularly and daily).

"Is he really sorry?"

He may be. He may be sorry that he was dating you casually (no commitment), and you were wanting more (a commitment) and that there was a misunderstanding about that and he couldn't give you what you wanted.

"if a man is not cruel, then he wouldn't have to wait until someone points out his character to get a response and gives a response after 6 weeks! RIGHT?"

I think he just didn't want a commitment and when you started asking about where things were going and initiated a "talk" about it, he pulled back. Which is why I do not advocate women initiating those types of "talks" with men. You don't need them to tell you what your destiny and future will be. YOU decide that for YOURSELF and you do so based on the man's actions, not his words. If his actions are not signaling to you that he's amping up his efforts to spend more time with you and see you more, then that signals to you as a woman that it's not going to go any further - and at that time, you decide for yourself that this isn't going to make you happy and you leave. You don't wait around for a man to tell you if you should go or not, you take control of your own happiness and decide that for yourself.

"Why would he keep addressing the work schedule, but not the several times I asked about our status?"

Because I suspect that he's using his busy schedule at work as an excuse for his unavailability to you. Or, he may legitimately be really busy at work and that is the reason he's not able to spend more time. There's no real way to know, but one thing that's for sure is that he's not ready for that "talk" yet :-(; October 22, 2013 at 11:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Very interesting male insight gals, straight from the horse's mouth - and it is the same overall message I share here - when you focus on YOU [not a man], you actually become sexier [to men]:

http://www.hlntv.com/article/2013/10/21/maria-kang-facebook-photo-what-your-excuse-fit-mom

"Do I find Maria Kang attractive? Not really. . .where she flaunts her six-pack and her trim body with her three children in front of her and asks "What's your excuse?". . .I think the more important question is, why do you feel you need to in the first place?

Look, a woman who doesn't have time for the gym because she's too busy pursuing her dreams, being who she knows she is and standing up for herself is 10 times sexier than one who spends six hours a day getting her six-pack a little tighter because everything she is depends on how she looks. End of story.

. . .it's not because they take care of themselves that they are attractive. It's because the underlying desire to take care of themselves -- the love they have for themselves -- is made evident by their physique, and that's the sexy part.

Just as sexy is knowledge of self, expertise in a field of study, being comfortable in your own skin... If you cultivate confidence and love for yourself, things like fitness, diet, self-discovery and growth become ways to exhibit it.

And that's sexy."; October 22, 2013 at 4:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,

Great advice given: writing "letters" to the person but deleting them rather than sending. I do that all the time. I pour my feelings out into long letters and then eventually delete them. It's awesome therapy! It gets the feelings out of my head without the humiliation of actually sending the emotion soaked missives. It's like a release without the consequences. I don't write the letters in my email program, I write them in Word so that (knowing me) I don't go into auto-pilot mode and accidentally click "send" instead of "delete." Thanks again for your amazing advice, your page has given me so much strength and gotten me through many a dark hour. Still trying to get over my disappearing man. No contact for one month plus, other than one text from him letting me know he was moving again. If I could just get over loving this man once and for all!? Went on two dates last weekend. No chemistry, but at least I went out and had fun. Just hoping I can stay strong when my disappearing man reappears again as I know he will.

Astrid; October 22, 2013 at 7:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Dont know if this will help any one but its helping me... i changed my sim card on my phone and got a new number, so i left the sim card that has the guy im going no contact with, with a friend, this way i can stop checking if he`s made contact. I find that the checking makes it harder for me to get on with life..its only been 10 days NC for me and i think about him a lot but this way its not a temptation to be surgically stuck to my phone and wean myself off the constant checking to see if he`s been in touch, also this stops the temptation to text him when im at a low ebb. So far ive checked it once and found i was depressed at no messages from him but i feel i will leave it longer between checking it and eventually get to a stage where i forget it..I’m miles from that yet..just thought it might help another lady out there trying to get herself together; October 23, 2013 at 7:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Pisces girl,

It's a very interesting topic and funnily enough it has crossed my mind over the last week. I think there is certainly something to be said about thinking about them less and getting on with your life and I do think there might be something in it that it does send an energy out to them on another level.

For example, I had a disappearing man and I went back on-line dating and after a couple of dates with different men I met another man who I quite liked and had subsequent dates with him. That's when my DM got in touch and wanted to know my status, of course it could be a coincidence but it's a bit weird as I was starting to move on in liking someone else.

They've both disappeared now, well one of them is a sporadic contacter so not so sure about him, however, thinking non-stop about them does probably send out an energy and even though you're doing no contact I wondered if the fact that your thinking about them a lot, in a way is this is breaking the no contact principle on an energetic level? As even though you are not contacting them but by thinking about them constantly you are making that connection with them and they maybe picking up on that and they really need to know that you're gone to feel the loss and miss you and not feel that on an energetic level that you are still there waiting for them, even if you're not specifically waiting for them but giving them your energy is making them think that and I think this may all run subconsciously. Of course it is easier said than done to be able to just stop thinking about a man ;)

I know with the sporadic contacter that when I start thinking about him contacting me he never does probably because I'm obsessing about it and not getting on with my life but when I am getting on with my life and forget about him for a moment then a text usually pops up.

Food for thought hey

P.s thank you for saying sorry the other day it was probably just a misunderstanding but thank you anyway :); October 23, 2013 at 7:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Chk 61,

Re: your DM.

Yeah don't contact him hun and stay strong. Seeing someone you've been dating back on-line dating when they've disappeared on you sucks.

Just a suggestion here, bearing in mind I don't know the in's and out's of your situation but this is what I'm doing with my DM who was from on-line dating.

Well basically, shortly after him disappearing on me I stopped going on-line as I didn't even want to see his face on there. I've took a short time to re-group and I am going to go back on-line dating but on another site. My reasons for this are I'm in no contact with him so for me I don't want him seeing or having tabs on where I am at or where I am up to. As far as he can see I've disappeared off the face of the earth. So when he thinks that he has not seen me on there he can wonder and also wonder that maybe I have met someone else which hopefully I will be doing but on another site. Plus nobody needs their face rubbing in it in terms of you having to see that he's communicating with other girls, let him get on with it, he will probably only do the same to them anyway, so fear not. You never know if he has no clue as to what you are up to, a true disappearance, he may seek you out.

Of course I don't know what you've got left of your subscription and you don't want to lose any money over him and I would stay on there and continue date rather than come off it in that case but when your subscription expires think about moving on to another one and see if that makes you feel better.

At the end of the day he can get in touch with you personally on your phone, I'm presuming he has your contacts.

Best of luck with it and try and meet someone else in the meantime whatever site you're on!; October 23, 2013 at 9:26 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Chk61

Forgot to say I don't the details of your involvement with your DM, so you may or may not want to do that anyway but just a suggestion :); October 23, 2013 at 9:34 AM
chk61 said...: @ Anon October 23 at 9:34AM....Yup, staying in NC. I had a few moments where I felt weak but then I had to remind myself of the events over the last few months. Doing more of the same would result in - more of the same!

I am on a free dating site. Strangely enough, I was considering joining that famous site that you pay for (not eharmony). He's on both the free site and this paid site. Even when we were "dating" he never took his profile down and was constantly active so I did the same. He even admitted to me that "with online dating there is always the thought that there is someone better out there". Straight from the horse's mouth!

I have had a couple of dates with other men from the site, and would have more but I'm pretty picky about how I spend my time (and don't have a lot of it lately). No one has floated my boat yet. I will soldier on though. I may take a break at the end of this month and take my profile down for a couple of weeks...

Certainly I'm not counting on it, but I do think my new behavior of ignoring and silence will get his attention. I don't even know if that is a good thing, though based on his past behavior. Maybe it's better if he stays gone but my ego will get a little stroke if he gets back in touch with me. ;-); October 23, 2013 at 2:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello ladies & mirror,
There's an interesting discussion on "initiating" over at this dating blog that I discovered last year:

urbancourtship.blogspot.ca/2013/10/dont-cry-text.html

In the comments, there's an Anonymous poster who's been commenting with advice that sounded like everything we have learned here. Sure enough, Anonymous linked to this blog shortly after!

But what I find interesting is just how strongly divided people are over this issue of whether a woman should initiate or not.

One commenter even wrote that those advocating "never initiate" are single and not by choice, LOL!!!

And you see the dating blogger struggle with not initiating, but then succumbing and rationalizing it by saying, she was hormonal and wanted to take control of her life (perhaps initiating empowers her).

This is someone who has had men disappear on her in the past after initiating - yet she still keeps doing it.

You can read her previous posts for the full story with Shirley Temple. A lot of it makes me cringe, but it's absolutely fascinating to see it all unfold for a well-educated, professional, and presumably successful woman.

I do hope things work out with the "nice and sweet guy" she's been on a few dates with, but would not be at all surprised if he does the disappearing act at some point.; October 23, 2013 at 5:18 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror

What do you think of Anonymous Oct 23 - 7:56AM comment?

"even though you are not contacting them but by thinking about them constantly you are making that connection with them and they maybe picking up on that and they really need to know that you're gone to feel the loss and miss you and not feel that on an energetic level that you are still there waiting for them, ... giving them your energy is making them think that and I think this may all run subconsciously."

I read that and thought "WOW!! I wonder."

Interesting concept Anonymous. (Please select a name so that we can follow the string of your mssgs.) ;-); October 23, 2013 at 5:36 PM
Life short. Smile often :) said...: Hi Mirror! Thank you so much for getting back to me :) I really value your time,comment and support you've given me. As per our last conversation you mentioned the following:

"You're free to do as you please dear. However, if it were me - no - I would not respond without an apology or an acknowledgment of some sort that expresses remorse for his actions towards you"

I was a bit of a curious monkey and decided to reply back since it's been 2 mos :| And oh god I shouldn't have! I said hello, and he was like how have you been blablabla. He then asked let's get together soon before I fly out for work. I replied with "we could do that...what day are we thinking" and since that reply he went MIA again for 5 days. Seriously WTH?! I'm just fed up with this dude and I'm getting tired playing his stupid games. I just don't get why he pursues me then goes in disappearing mode AGAIN. I went MIA on him since he did that to me and he kept texting me non stop on a weekly basis so when I finally thought it has been a good amount of time apart I decided to reply back. I just don't understand why we can't have a normal conversation without someone disappearing. I'm not even the type of girl to falls head over heels for a guy because I can be quite a B$#@ most times but I'm still a nice person just not a pushover and I know my limits. Do you have any idea why he would be doing this to me or is he's playing with me? It's so frustrating because we had a great chemistry and enjoyed each others company and it's been over a year so it's been moving quite slow for us both due to our work schedule and busy life...but gee it's been a rollercoaster! What should I do from this point may I ask Mirror? I'm not going to respond and if he does as you mentioned in this article however many days he gets back I should be mirror the same amount of time. Thank god for you and your expertise!!

I appreciate so much Mirror and can't thank you enough!; October 23, 2013 at 5:57 PM
Mltn said...: Well, crap. My office has scheduled an office party for next week. This whole thing started with my co-worker at the last office party six months ago. I don't want to avoid the party, it's an opportunity to socialize with my bosses and strengthen my good work relationships (and I don't want to change my behavior to avoid DM). If I go and he doesn't, I'll be upset that he's avoiding me and contrasting this to the last party where he was hanging on my every word and all over me. If we both go and avoid each other at the party, it will spark talk around the office, and I'll feel upset (heartbreak, contrast with last time). If we both go and something happens, that will be a bad idea. Party was just announced, and my stomach dropped. Advice?; October 23, 2013 at 6:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 23, 5:18 PM,
To each his own. I don't expect my methods to be accepted by everyone, because to accept them, also requires the acceptance of truths, many of which are painful and are people generally don't want to face them as a result. And these truths lie with "self," self doubt, self confidence, self worth - and lack thereof. If one is not willing to face and accept issues surrounding those matters, then they will fail to see the value of no contact.

"One commenter even wrote that those advocating "never initiate" are single and not by choice, LOL!!!"

Well. . .that's just an example of ignorance dear, a lack of knowledge. And it also comes from the insecure panic mindset of "every woman needs a man, and when without one, it signals failure." Insistent that it couldn't possibly be by choice (because who would choose that, right?), so it HAS to be by failure (because every woman MUST have a man).

And I don't subscribe to that mindset. It stems from fear.

But even more importantly, what they don't realize is that a hookup is NOT a relationship. A couple of dates is NOT a relationship. A three month trist is NOT a relationship. Casually dating is NOT a relationship. And the reality is - they're STILL SINGLE as well.

You can initiate all you want. You can get the man to date you. You can get the man to sleep with you. You can get the man to kick you a smidgen of his time here and there. But you CANNOT make the man want a relationship with you. No matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you coax him out with you, no matter how many times you sleep with him. . .in the end, you still end up single.

The only difference is that you've willingly let a man use you - prior to finding yourself single anyway.; October 24, 2013 at 7:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
It's a viable concept. It applies to the Law of Attraction and yes, can indeed be true in my opinion. Which is why I suggest that women not waste time and energy on a man that isn't showing a genuine interest. It's draining and self-defeating behavior. And while many women assume men are stupid when it comes to women, the reality is that it's more like they're "dumb like a fox." Meaning, their natural born instincts with women are subtle and always there. Women don't have to SAY via words that they're interested in a man. He already knows that by the way you conduct yourself around him, your body language and the non-verbal cues you emit - and that he instinctually picks up on. And each and every once of those things is unspoken - and "energy" related.

And this is also why attracting men isn't about looks or providing sex - it's about your attitude and your level of confidence (energetic things). Generally, when men are polled and asked what is "sexy" to them about women, attitude and confidence rank HIGH on the list, most times, ranking in the number one spot.

And it's also why drawing a man towards you through the emission and evocation of positive energy (influence) is much more successful than offering yourself up to jump into bed with one:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/04/dating-tips-persuasion-influence.html

Psychologically, there are 9 Laws of Persuasion (influence over others) - chasing (pursuit) and sex are NOT any of those 9 factors that influence another's behavior in a positive fashion. But scarcity (non-pursuit, limited quantity) IS on that list and IS a psychological factor that does influence human behavior in a positive fashion - in business, in relationships and in life in general - and it relates directly to "value perception."

And value perception is a MAJOR influencial factor. Take for example the recent art exhibit by a world famous graffiti artist in NYC Central Park, Banksy. Banksy is an activist artist and he did a recent experiment about the concept of "value" as a statement.

http://news.yahoo.com/banksy-central-park-sale-130000532.html

Banksy's pieces have sold for thousands of dollars and celebrities such as Christina Aguilera flock to purchase his original works. Bansky's awards include: Toronto Film Critics Association Awards – Best First Feature 2010, Independent Spirit Award for Best Documentary Feature, Washington D.C. Area Film Critics Association – Best Documentary Film 2010.

Recently, he went to NYC Central Park unannounced in advance and sold original works in the park. He had a spray painted sign that read $60. Seriously, $60 for an original, signed Banksy piece. He was seated near other artistic vendors on a sidewalk, very unassuming looking.

And you know what happened?

Only 3 people purchased art that day and netted him $420. The estimated value of the pieces those 3 VERY lucky people invested in that day - $225,000. When asked why the low sales Banksy replied that it was due to a "lower perceived value" because - the $60 price tag of the pieces energetically sent the impression that he was a "starving artist" of lower perceived value.

When Banksy valued HIMSELF at a low $60 price tag - without any verbal communication, all passersby followed his lead subconsciously and also ended up having a lower perceived value about him and his art.

Thus proving Banksy's social statement. . .value yourself low and others will follow suit and value you the same.

I just wish I was the woman that haggled him down to half price on two of those pieces - $100,000 worth of original signed art by a world famous artist - for the bargain basement price of $30 each.

And every single bit of that, every bit of Banksy's message about value, was communicated non-verbally ladies - energetically. Again, the subconscious message sent being, "I value myself low, therefore, you shall do the same."; October 24, 2013 at 8:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Life short. Smile often,
"Do you have any idea why he would be doing this to me or is he's playing with me?"

Well, I already called this one dear and explained previously, prior to you responding, why and what would happen here:

"When women accept the man back into their life WITHOUT that apology or show of remorse from the man, basically, that signals to the man that you've ACCEPTED their poor treatment and as a result, the woman generally suffers an immediate repeat of a disappearing act within the next four weeks or so.

If the woman starts that conversation, then the apology she receives (if she receives one) is NOT genuine. It is only done so that the man can receive benefits by doing so (sexual ones usually). The point of NC when used like this is to give the man enough time, and enough silence, to make HIM see that an apology is necessary here, that it's the right thing to do. When the woman jumps in and kickstarts the process herself BEFORE the man has seen that it's necessary (through her repeated silence), then she cuts the psychological process necessary for him to realize an apology is what's in order short - and as a result, she never receives the apology and generally receives another disappearing act instead.

The exercise is to meant to help you stop yourself from feeling the need to "do" something to nudge things along, speed them up or control the situation - and instead, let the silence and the man's conscious nudge him along to do the right thing instead."

Lesson learned dear. Now, make a "note to self" - NEVER do that again :-); October 24, 2013 at 8:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn,
The best suggestion I can make falls in line with the concept shared in this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/12/ex-boyfriend-new-girlfriend-what-to-do.html'

Scrap the "new girlfriend" part and focus on the "energy" part - the projection of a positive attitude, self confidence and emotional well being.; October 24, 2013 at 8:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
As an interesting follow up to the Banksy "perceived value" social statement, once news broke that that was him the the park selling original pieces that day for $60 - a copycat showed up shortly thereafter.

And once the perceived value of his art was corrected via the media to the much higher value it truly had - do you know what happened?

All 40 of the knock-off fakes sold out in ONE HOUR:

http://www.cbc.ca/asithappens/features/2013/10/23/banksy-fakes-outsell-the-original-in-copycat-nyc-pop-up-sale/

And THAT is the power of unspoken "perceived value" - and perceived value is something that you transmit energetically - by the value you actually place on YOURSELF.; October 24, 2013 at 8:29 AM
Hoopsgirl76 said...: @ The Ladies

Just want to say you are all in my thoughts, especially those in NC. It's hard, it sucks, and it's painful, but guys, it WILL be worth it. Stick to your guns. After 30 days, or 40, or however long it takes -- you WON'T WANT him anymore. Stay here, read these posts over and over again. There is tremendous strength and truth here. Do the NC for YOU. But also to FREE you to be available to meet someone new and better. Put all that anxious energy into yourself. Work out like a mad woman, take spa days, go try out new makeup and clothes. It truly does work. I started NC this year on Valentine's Day evening, sobbing myself to sleep and heartbroken. I spent so long hoping he would man up and realize his mistake. He contacted me again about 90 days later -- never an apology, though. Ugh. Through improving myself gradually this year (weight loss due to furiously working out the anger, lol) new clothes, hair, etc, I was FINALLY able to get past him and become available mentally and emotionally to meet someone new. Mirror gave advice to me about 6 weeks ago to give this new man my number (online, long distance) and we have talked every day since. I have tried my hardest to practice the principles here this time (let him chase me, let him initiate, lead, etc) and it WORKS, GALS. Tonight we are meeting in person for the first time -- he is getting on a plane and flying halfway across the country to spend the weekend with me :-). He wants to meet my family. He's said repeatedly he thinks I'm "the one" and has let his daughters (8 and 4) speak with me on the phone as well. But I know from Mirror and you lovely ladies that words are one thing. ACTIONS are another. So as excited as I am -- and as much as I hope he does turn out to be "Mr Right" -- I know that a lot of guys do "fun talk" and "future talk" in the beginning so I am keeping a part of myself grounded in reality. I'm not allowing myself to get swept away unless and until there is a ring on my finger. I am trying my darndest to keep my head about all of this and behave as a woman who values myself. Because I think I finally do now, after 37 years...

Hugs to everyone. Sending positive thoughts and love your way. :-); October 24, 2013 at 8:57 AM
pisces girl said...: @ Hoopsgirl76 thanks for sharing your story! ever since ive been coming on this site ive also felt stronger and more empowered especially when initiating no contact! some days are harder than others and i feel like texting him but i stick to my guns and follow mirrors advice and always remind myself to not make a man feel special and important by calling and texting and making it known i miss him and im thinking about him when hes not making me feel that way-mirror is right the way you know if a man cares is if hes putting in that time effort and energy and im glad to hear you are doing positive things for yourself like working out that helps alot and hopefully all goes well with the new man!:); October 24, 2013 at 11:31 AM
Anonymous said...: ive read that Aqua men are unemotional and move on quickly, im wondering if its normal for aqua men to just think NC means you`ve moved on and get on with their life unaffected and not resurface? How do aqua men react to NC?; October 24, 2013 at 3:57 PM
chk61 said...: @Mltn. I feel your pain. It was not a co-worker but someone I was in a performing group with. I had worked long and hard at this avocation (that also provided me with some income) and damn it, I was NOT going to quit because of him. It resulted in three long years of me getting over the rejection, dealing with seeing him on a frequent basis, and being exposed to his new girlfriends (that was the hardest). And now, four years later, we are "friends". Go figure.

In retrospect, yes, it was a difficult experience (when he brought other women around, VERY difficult) but I am glad I stuck it out. I held my head high and I acted "as if". I remember being invited to a group holiday party and being terrified that I would be faced with one of his girlfriends up close and personal. (Seeing them in the audience at performances was bad enough). Turned out the party was cancelled and I was off the hook, phew.

Since this is your actual job/workplace I say, GO to the work party and just put on your game face. You must act "as if" you are fine, fine, fine. Confident, self assured, intact, together, awesome. Do something nice for yourself before you go, like get a new haircut or a new outfit or relax in a bubble bath and do positive affirmations. You are a confident, successful, attractive, sexy woman and any man would be lucky to have you. Women like you too. You're fine, just fine, and he's just some guy you work with!

You just put on your best "game" face and you play the game. You gotta wear your poker face so start practicing. Never, EVER let 'em see you sweat! Here's what you plan in advance: you are friendly and cordial to him and you act like NOTHING happened. You don't treat him any differently than any other person at the party. You greet him in a friendly way but you don't go out of your way to seek him out. If anyone asks you about it or him AT the party, you fluff it off with a laugh, say "what are you talking about" and "let's get a drink". Resist the temptation to get into it with anybody. Oh and speaking of drinking, (if there is any there), consider abstaining or just have ONE.

Living well is the best revenge. This guy means nothing to you, this is what you have to tell yourself. He's just a guy. You ARE stronger than this situation and this is an opportunity to flex those awesome muscles of yours! I'm telling you, you will come out stronger on the other side!; October 24, 2013 at 5:46 PM
Madame X said...: Guess we can blame "IT" all on Clara Bow. ;)

That was always the basic plot, she saw a man and she went after him. And as common place as that might sound today, there's no way to describe how profoundly revolutionary it was at the time. That you could as a young woman, go to the movie theater and watch a movie about another young woman, who didn't wait around for a man to pursue her. Clara Bow flipped the whole ritual of courtship. (LOL - I know that way doesn't work out though); October 24, 2013 at 8:05 PM
KK said...: First off, I'd like to mention again to the ladies here that 'being scarce', not responding immediately, and living your life; like you should be, DOES work! Anyone doubting it, shouldn't.
I have two examples of that:

1) Libra - he called me last night before he was to go into work, I heard it ring and I would usually rush to answer it, regardless of who it is. But I didn't. I just didn't feel like it. Then he texted me "Omg, I wish you would have answered, I miss you so much, and I don't really know why!" - LOL. (I know why!) - We have regular communication anyway, but it isn't constant (meaning everyday, all day). And without me saying anything, he knows he has work to do, he knows I'm valuable and worth it. He missed me because he wanted what he couldn't have (at least right away).

2) Pisces has resurfaced, again. With this one, I am KNOWN for initiating - I have not though in a while, thanks to Libra keeping me busy, and my own strength and determination. It has been almost 30 days since we last spoke, 24 days exactly. I've kept to myself, not reached out at all.
He's asking me how I'm doing, hopes I'm staying out of trouble he says and then asks why I don't text him anymore. (he's curious about that all the time, he has to have some space to think about why I don't text, or why I haven't been, what I'm up to... and just like the article states, they spring back and 'check in' to see what's up)
Why it's taken him 3 weeks, I'm not sure - whether that is the normal time frame for a man, or maybe he's out of other options? But again, scarcity and uncertainty heighten attraction, the man is drawn to you this way, Just as we are when they do it to us.

Another thing I'd like to add... I read the post about energy and thinking about the man. It does seem very coincidental, I think it could be either one: a) when you seem to be moving on (and they sense that) and dating other men. b) thinking about one in particular (bigfoot, dm) and then they can almost 'feel' that as well. Sometimes almost as if you're on the same wavelength and thinking about eachother.

I was (really) thinking of Pisces this morning, and I let myself have a moment to 'grieve'. I had thought about how much time has passed, and asked myself "It's been more than 6 months since we seen eachother, why haven't we?" And then the answer, "because he doesn't want to". It's coming up on a year that we've known eachother and since I met him. It made me sad. I shook it off and was getting messages from Libra to start off the day.

The last time we talked, things were light and friendly, nothing brought up, no stress or anything. That could be another factor in his reappearance.
So now I'm not too sure what to do, wait 3 days, let him try some more, ignore him for another month?... so many options to choose from! :); October 24, 2013 at 9:55 PM
JD said...: Hey MOA, I'm October 22, 2013 at 12:40 AM but call me JD from now on, lol

It's been really interesting reading the latest comments. I do believe in the power of thoughts and ideas, but at the same time, why waste it on a guy who isn't even reciprocating? I'm close to 2 months of NC. I'm in a much better emotional place and working on me. I think the whole situation almost totally broke me down because I had waited so long to be intimate with someone and compromised what I believed in, with him. Then he disappears..after asking those questions...not getting a response until the 6th week of silence and me pointing out how I felt (but not expecting anything back at that time). He told me "I'm not cruel." I can't comprehend with that MOA. :-/ But I've forgiven him since then, he just doesn't know it. I'm continuing to move on and whether I hear back from him or not, these are lessons learned. I agree that we should reevaluate how much we VALUE ourselves. I know I'm a valuable woman. So what I am making myself do until it's embedded in my mind and becomes second nature is saying 40 positive affirmations about myself 40 times a day for 40 days in a row. I mean think about it, ladies...do you think these guys that have disappeared are worrying about us? They're most likely out there doing their own thing...so why not do your own thing? I've always been a gym rat, but I've been more focused and eating healthier. I'm going to get a motorcycle license and for my birthday next year, buying a nice starter motorcycle. Maybe I'll take introductory flight lessons while I'm at it. I plan on beginning a graduate program or law school by fall of next year and I'm just going to keep getting better...for ME. If I don't hear from that guy...my attitude right now because I've realized I AM a valuable woman is, bump him. By the time I hear from him, I most likely will not want him anymore. And I am not talking to him or giving him the time of day without an apology. A friend of mine had a man disappear on her 6 years ago....and it wasn't until the last year or so that he tried to contact her again, but she kept ignoring him until he said I'M SORRY. And yes, that sucker did say it..even after 6 years! He left her high and dry...she had a miscarriage and he left her. She loved him dearly and he would cheat on her and after asking him where they were going relationship-wise, he left.; October 25, 2013 at 4:07 AM
JD said...: (continued from JD)

There are times I do miss the DM I had emotionally invested in, but am happy to say it wasn't to the point where I was in love with him (thank goodness). I was so vulnerable because of my celibacy. Yes, it hurt really bad when he started to ignore me, but then several people including MOA advised me to take control of my own life and destiny and don't leave it up to him to tell us where we're going. YOU take control! I wanted "closure". I wanted a reason why he didn't respond...and though he never addressed my "Where is this going?" question, he did say that with my text messages I seemed kind of "demanding" and that he did't like the way I was coming at him with it, so he falls back when people do that. So while he didn't directly tell me, he kind of actually did...and quite frankly, if he valued me enough, he wouldn't make me go through all that and would do something because he wouldn't want to lose me.

I would advocate cutting him OFF. A man who is treating you like crap, DOES deserve to be cut off. I mean you shouldn't have to work so hard just to keep him around! There's a man out there that will treat you with the respect you deserve. I swear, I will not send that DM another text or attempt to call him or even acknowledge him on FB when I reactivate my page.

Do NC for YOURSELF. Once I got over and past the idea of getting him back or getting contact from him, I started to feel more emotionally sound knowing I am detaching from something unhealthy. And knowing I am too fly for him anyway. lol ;-) Don't get me wrong, I'm not 100% there yet, but I will get there.; October 25, 2013 at 4:08 AM
JD said...: Hoopsgirl76:

I don't know your story but can you provide a link to it? What did he say to you when he initiated contact after 90 days and did you go total NC?

I'm so sorry he left you heartbroken. I was sobbing inside of a sauna at one point, lol. I'm glad you've found your strength and applied what you have learned to your current man.; October 25, 2013 at 4:12 AM
neva-agen said...: i can not tell you how much this site has helped me!! its hard hearing the truth but its exactly what i needed and ladies NC works not to get them back but to get you back!! its slow going and i have days when i swing between feeling good n missing him but i tell you the longer the nc goes on the stronger i become the longer periods i have of feeling better.. it takes time..; October 25, 2013 at 5:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
I just published the last flood of comments on this post and I must say, I'm touched today. Not because of any kudos to me, but because of all the good energy, positive mindsets, mental shifts - and raw strength that I see surfacing in so many here now.

Helping you ladies helps me as well. Meaning, each time I see a woman who has struggled suddenly accept the harsh truths, perform the work and experience the mental shift that soon arrives afterwards, I feel good about what I'm doing and I'm reminded how valuable it is to others.

And I also think that everyone's success here is also the result of everyone's support of one another here. Women, in general, can tend to be very competitive in life with one another (catty at times) as can men, with other men. But you can clearly see the immense powerful strength that can result from the combined support when women drop their guard with one another and instead of experiencing the competitive edge with one another - experience the support of one another, the power in numbers.

It's been a long road for many of you here and the journey may still not be complete, however, experiencing the positive personal effects from the work done is more than enough to convince you to keep going, keep working on yourself, keep being good to yourself, keep taking proper care of yourself. . .and keep loving YOURSELF.

Loving and valuing yourself - will attract others to you that will love and value you as well :-); October 25, 2013 at 7:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"He told me "I'm not cruel." I can't comprehend with that MOA."

He's emotionally immature dear, and more importantly, he lacks self awareness. He lacks an awareness of himself and his actions and how they negatively affect and harm others. He perceives himself as a nice guy, because he doesn't stick around long enough to actually SEE the harm his actions inflict on others. To him, it's all fun and games, he's not serious because he's immature - so he assumes others aren't taking it seriously either.

There's a PERFECT example of this on the show Tough Love, Co-Ed. Steve, the show's host, delivers a perfect critique of this very behavior to one man on the show, Christopher, who he coined "Peter Pan" (the boy who never grew up). Steve was so spot-on in his critique that I wonder if he's read this site, LOL. But chances are, he's simply a self aware man himself so this knowledge comes instinctually to him.

Go here to see the blow the Steve delivers to Christopher. Skip to 31.20 in the full episode (the second to the last segment): http://on.vh1.com/1a9Ajk1

And ironically enough, the other very immature man in the group was shocked that Steve actually said this to Christopher - while another women in the group completely understood that it was necessary. And what Christopher's very immature cast mate failed to realize is that while, yes, what Steve said was harsh - it was also the TRUTH and it was DESERVED because Christopher actually HURTS WOMEN and is completely OBLIVIOUS to this fact because he, himself, lacks self awareness about his own behavior and actions.

And just to give a bit of background on Christopher, here's his bio on the VH1 site:

"Christopher is a class clown from Houston who never grew up. He treats the ladies in his life just like he treats life itself -- as one big game. With a constant carousel of women around him, he has no trouble getting dates. The question is -- will he be able to drop the comedy act long enough to get serious with someone? At 32, the clock is ticking."

And after the Tough Love bootcamp, they gave updates on the cast members and Christopher didn't learn a damn thing in the 10 weeks he spent living and working with Steve. His update reflected that, after the show, he is currently dating several women - hoping to someday settle down with one.

Sometimes ladies, you just have to accept that there are people, both men and women, who simply aren't ready and/or cut out for a relationship - because relationships require compromise, sacrifice and work.; October 25, 2013 at 8:15 AM
Anonymous said...: Aphrodite this is the BEST article I have ever read about relationships and men. I have read my share or books and article for fun but this one hits the nail on the head perfectly. I have noticed that we women have all experienced Mr. Disappear/Appear. I loved reading most of the stories and learned a ton. Kind of wish I read this a year ago.

I met a Taurus (late 30s) very successful guy. I am a Capricorn and overall we are very compatible. Complete each other's sentences etc. I was seeing other guys before I met him about a year ago and yes he swept me of my feet. We have not slept together yet which makes things a little bit more interesting.
1. We talked for a few months before he sent me a message saying he and his resolved their issues and he can't cheat on her. I should be honest here I came into his life when he and her were having issues. They have been together for a while.
2. He told me basically "good bye" and like an idiot I was like "wow I am breathless I really liked you, if you are ever in town let's grab coffee.
3. Got to work on Monday (cried all weekend). Wrote an email with all my feelings and saved it in my Drafts folder instead of sending it out. THANK GOD I didn't - best move ever I think you would agree. If I had sent it to him I would have looked like an out of control, overly emotional desperate chick.
4. A week later I was getting ready to go out with my friends only to get a random message from him about some stupid link - didn't he say good bye and best of luck to me and hope I meet some amazing guy. I was shocked when I saw his name on my phone. Bastard just when I was healing!
5. This whole disappear/appear game began where he messages me. I remained strong and didn't message him but what I did wrong was the way I reacted/react when he messaged or messages me. So I remained strong and didn't message him for months. He messaged me here and there. On New Years he messaged me happy new year and I responded very nicely as if nothing happened.
6. We are back to this disappear/appear game. After reading your article I want to shoot myself for all the mistakes I made. I should have not reacted so nicely when he does make contact. I should not have said "where have you been babe miss you". WRONG! I am too his special (his own words) to act this stupid way. What I should have done is NOT respond to his messages and disappear for extended periods of time. I mean why do they say shit like "I effin love you" "You are so pretty, sexy, funny"
7. Why do they ALWAYS come back I mean this guy said "good bye"? Why do they respond to us messaging them? Why can't they simply let go and move on.; October 26, 2013 at 4:45 PM
JD said...: Yes, the DM has been called the class clown by his high school classmates. This guy is 9 years older than me and I THOUGHT he was too old to be playing games. I mean he has two daughters. I even pointed out that we both have daughters and I'm sure we wouldn't want them to be treated this way. His response? "Yes, you are right, I have daughters..." WTH. I do believe he doesn't actually know how much he has hurt me or maybe anyone else. My good friend did say that people, women, know (except for me at the time or others who have just met him) that he is not looking for anything serious. He just wants something casual...and that some women are okay with that. I was just looked as a challenge because I had been celibate for so long. But I THOUGHT that since we did work together a long time ago and he knew some about my history, that he was "safe" and that I could trust him...also trust him NOT to jerk with my feelings. But now that I think of it, he was divorced almost 10 yrs ago. His reason he told me he divorced (he filed) is because his ex didn't show him respect and that she would go out with her friends to the clubs, etc. But even when working with him back then, he wasn't seeing anyone on serious terms. Because we had a conversation about how some people are jealous and cannot be around others' work environment bc of fear of what they might see. He said, "My LADY FRIEND is that way.." so fast forward several years and we reconnect...no relationship. Connected since last year...no relationship. It's painful to know I wasted my time with him but I'm glad I'm letting go bc dealing with a guy like that can chip away at your self-esteem and that's what was happening to me. Now it's no wonder why his Aunts for example would comment on his social network profile with "yes, you have matured a lot.." but he still has some areas to work on.

Do you think he has some insecurity issues, MOA? For instance, on his social profile he would post a new pic right..then of course a flood of women (but I have noticed mainly the same women) would like it or comment with a compliment and he would reply to each one...it's like he needs to be "fed". He's also a Mama's Boy...not ashamed to admit it and show the online world how much he loves his Mom.

It just perplexed me so much when he last told me "I'm not cruel", "I don't play with people's feelings.." So I'm like, why are you surprised my feelings toward you is not positive right now when you're treating me this way? If you don't play with people's feelings, then why don't you respond? And most of all, he didn't even address THE question. "Where is this going?" Even though I know...but I just asked that one time. The other question was, "Is this silence you falling back..and I'd appreciate it if you told me." He couldn't even tell me...een though we had mutually agreed that we would let each other know so we wouldn't waste each others time. It's like he could've just told me straight up "Look, I'm not looking or want anything serious right now." Unless part of his plan was just to string me along for as long as he could. I would've thought that choosing him to sleep with after a VERY long time of celibacy would've meant something to him. But whatever, the 3 min wasn't worth it and I feel cheated! lol!! Ok, ok..sorry for that. Just had to find some humor.

The fact is, he's showing me he doesn't give an eff, so I'm not going to either. So do I just the go about my business in the virtual world even though he is still on my friends list? I haven't logged on in months.; October 27, 2013 at 1:01 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ the Ladies,

Your notes of support to each other have been very sweet. Great encouragement to keep on keeping on.

I'd like to share something that happened earlier tonight as a caution.

I mentioned last week how I went to local concert with GF, and GF ended up trying to get herself into the Singer's circle and was 'rubbing herself all over' (her words) a young guy. Well, my daughter is home again for wknd and we had the familiar open house today. While here, Big Guy and GF are chatting, and she tells him that she was on" the bus" he was on last weekend. Big Guy is surprised, and said he didn't remember seeing her, but he was pretty lit by the time they made it to the concert. But I could see the confusion in his expression as he tried to remember seeing her on the bus (but couldn't). They chit-chat about Singer and Big Guy tells us that Singer is playing down the road from my house tonight. So, a bunch of us went, GF included. (another chance for me to get out and face whatever is holding me back re: Scorpio.)

Well, again, GF pushed her way into the Singer's group at the bar. I stayed with the group we came with. And here's the caution: At the end of the night, Big Guy came over and asked me, "Was your friend hooking up with X last weekend on the bus," and Big Guy was laughing.

Me >I don't know who X is, and I don't know what GF did.

Big Guy > Well, that's what the talk is tonight. And now I'm starting to remember more about that night.

Me> I didn't go on the bus, so I don't know what was going on. (And as I look around to find GF in the bar, both Big Guy and I see she is now talking to another guy pretty intently -- or at least he is zoned in on her.)

Big Guy (shaking his head and laughing (at her, not with her)) > X is a buddy of mine. I'm going to ask him about it. That's just too funny.

I didn't know what to say other than shaking my head and saying> Just remember sweetie, I did not go on that bus. I stayed clear away from it all.

So, this group already has GF pegged and is sharing their thoughts amongst themselves; not a good or Powerful position to put yourself in. If these guys think she is easy, each one of them can come up with a line of BS to snow her and take advantage of her for sex. Because they already have her number, she is an easy target for the losers among them to shoot their bullshit arrows her way to see if they stick. Not a good position to put yourself in.

We left the bar for home and she decided to stay. I'm sure I'll hear all about it tomorrow.

I am also pretty sure I am over seeing Singer play out as well. Just not anything I want to become involved in.

Hugs to all!; October 27, 2013 at 1:57 AM
Notwannalosemywings said...: An update from me @Notwannalosemywings After resisting for 13 days by not even once contacting him, with the crickets that Mirror was talking about in mind, he came and contacted me!!!!! My God!! this advice works like a charm! We even chatted for a good hour via whatsapp and he seemed curious and nervous about why am I so mysterious hahahhaha. Within 10 days he will fly back at his home and I am expecting he will invite me to go out with him again at that point if he is really into me, but I am not going to despair if it does not happen.

I have decided to keep it up by not contacting him and he will become my toy boy at least for once, cause he is damn hot. But yeah, I am actively dating others and I am so over the bastard that broke my heart one month ago.
Mirror how much I appreciate your thoughts....thank you, thank you. That cricket comment of yours gave me so much strength you will not believe it, hahahhah.
I will be coming here frequently and good luck to all the ladies with all those players!; October 27, 2013 at 3:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 26, 4:45 PM,
"Why can't they simply let go and move on."

Well, a couple of reasons. Sometimes, many men see dating as a numbers game dear, almost like a sport. And they know, the higher the number, the better the odds. So they like to keep some of those back burners on the stove warm, in case they ever go for a taste, ya' know? (Otherwise known as stringing someone along.)

Other times, it's pride. Sometimes men can't admit that they need you (maybe even more than you need them). And they have the same trouble admitting this to themselves, so they live in denial. Yet this nagging feeling causes them to return.

Other times, they're simply curious. Or lonely. Or suffering a dry spell. Or experiencing problems with their current partner and using the woman as a bandaid to cover that wound and heal their ego.

And sometimes, they realize they have feelings for the woman that they didn't realize they had before. Because unlike women, who tend to feel emotion in the moment of togetherness, men are the opposite. They tend to feel emotion during periods of ABSENCE. So they'll walk away thinking nothing of it, and then suddenly, they start to "feel" something towards you, that they never felt before.

There are a multitude of reasons dear. And that why "filtering" when dating is necessary. It weeds out the men with good intention from those that are not genuine. Making a man prove himself, making him work a bit for your time and attention and letting him take the lead and initiate contact are the best ways to start. Because the players and those looking for something quick and easy won't stick around and do the work.

It sounds to me as if this guy's keeping his options open with you. Kind of a "cake and eat it too" situation. Even though you've never officially coupled up and this never really got off the ground, that appears to be what he's doing. Which tells me he doesn't think his current situation is going to work out.

Regardless, that's for him to deal with and work out, and you don't need to be a part of that process or be there for him during it. Because honestly, it's not wise of him to involve another woman in his current issue and/or let another woman possibly influence his decisions about his current situation. He made this decision. So he needs to man up and deal with it on his own - and also experience the consequences that are a result of that decision. He needs to understand that when you say goodbye, it means goodbye. When you decide to be with another woman, you need to understand that you're going to be freeing the second woman.

And if you want to make him experience the consequences of his own decision dear, then you have to remove yourself from this situation. If a year from now, he tells you it's resolved with her and he's now free, then so be it. But it's not your job to be there throughout that year and that drama with him. And the only way he's going to understand this is if you do not permit him access to you, via text, phone, email or otherwise. No contact, no response:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And consequences dear. The only way people learn is by experiencing the consequences of their actions and decisions - and the feelings associated with them:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; October 27, 2013 at 6:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
" I THOUGHT he was too old to be playing games. I mean he has two daughters."

Physical age and mental/emotional age (maturity) are two different things dear. Just because a man might be 40 years old, does not mean that emotionally, he's got the brain of a 40 year old man. He can physically be 40, but mentally and emotionally, he thinks/acts/behaves like a 21 year old guy.

"I do believe he doesn't actually know how much he has hurt me or maybe anyone else."

That's probably because he's emotionally immature and as a result, he's self-absorbed. He's not thinking about anyone but himself, as is clearly evident by the remark about his daughters. He's not even thinking of his own blood over himself.

"Do you think he has some insecurity issues, MOA?"

Most likely. Emotionally immature men generally do. And oddly enough, I've seen studies that indicate that, the age at which someone ceases to grow emotionally - many times corresponds with the age a traumatic event happened to the individual. So let's say a guy, at the age of 21, falls in love - and gets burned. He ends up emotionally "stunted" by the event, and as a result, emotionally he never matures beyond the age of 21 mentally. He can be 50 years old, but his emotional growth has been "stunted' (stagnant) since the age of 21. As a result, he still thinks/acts/behaves like a 21 year old boy. And many times, unknowingly chooses women that will end up repeating the traumatic pattern in some manner.

The same happens to women. Say at the age of 12, a woman, God forbid, is abused, sexually or otherwise. That's a traumatic event and it can stunt her emotional growth. As a result, she can tend to proceed through life and relationships in a childlike manner, fearful of men and feeling undeserving of love. This fear and self loathing causes her to "settle" in relationships for less than she truly deserves. And because she's settling, unknowingly, she's picking men that will end up repeating the traumatic pattern in her life. Ending up with men that physically, verbally and emotionally are abusive towards her, which then only validates to the woman that yes, all men are bad and are to be feared. And so the cycle continues. It's widely known that people who suffer trauma and abuse unknowingly create those same situations for themselves later in life. Hence the term, "breaking the cycle."

"He's also a Mama's Boy...not ashamed to admit it and show the online world how much he loves his Mom."

While it's always a good sign to see a man respect his mother, when it has no boundaries, it crosses into the line of "creepy." Additionally, it's never a good sign when dating to see what you're seeing because guess who you have to compete with throughout that relationship? Yep - mama. Nothing is good enough for her boy most times, including you, LOL.

Cont. . .; October 27, 2013 at 7:15 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "he could've just told me straight up "Look, I'm not looking or want anything serious right now."

Sure, he could've done that dear. But why would he? If he does that, he risks losing you and any sexual benefits that come along with that. He wants to keep his options open, he's dating casually, and as a result, he doesn't want to be honest with you - because he wants to keep you as an option :-(

"But whatever, the 3 min wasn't worth it and I feel cheated! lol!!"

LOL, as much as I hate to say this, I'm going to. Players and emotionally immature men and insecure guys - are NEVER good lovers. They're too self-absorbed to think about anyone else and they don't care about your pleasure. They only care about fulfilling their own.

"So do I just the go about my business in the virtual world even though he is still on my friends list?"

I would. And if he tries to instigate something or get you to "react" in some manner, to reassure himself or stroke his own ego - just remain silent towards him and don't interact with him there. Just ignore it.; October 27, 2013 at 7:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Yes dear, time to pull back from your girlfriend and her behavior. Meaning, if she can go out with you and not hookup, cool, go. But if she wants you to go places with her that grant her hookup opportunities, do NOT go dear. Or you're going to end up in a "guilt by association" situation and your reputation will be ruined. It won't matter if you haven't slept with anyone as she has. People will assume that birds of a feather flock together - and that will be that.

She's a groupie. Many years ago, I spent 7 years with a guy in a band. And women like that were all around - and not one, and I mean not one, of the men in that band or around that band or otherwise, had a single ounce of respect for those girls. Honestly, it was sad. The mocking, the laughing, being the brunt of the joke, the vulgar language, the derogatory terms - it was brutal, let me tell you. And most times, these girls were so wasted, they were laughing too, not realizing they were being mocked. I used to cringe. But then I'd look at these girls and see how they conducted themselves, and it would be hard to feel any sympathy towards them all the same. They were treated like objects because they permitted themselves to be used like one.

I think your girlfriend is suffering dear. My gut is telling me that she's permitting herself to be used by men over and over again because she's not respecting or valuing herself. Maybe she thinks being coined a cougar is cool, but it's not. It has a "predatory" ring to it that's negative.

Don't get me wrong. I understand women, and many times older women because of the stage of life they're in, don't want relationships and do just want sex. I get it. And if that's the choice, there IS a way to pull that off - gracefully. It is possible for a woman to be sexually liberated to that extent without disgracing herself in the process. And the key to doing that is - discretion. That behavior, if discreet and done via proper dating, can be pulled off. So say a woman spots a guy, they talk and she gives her number. He calls, they do out that evening. He takes her to dinner, drinks, and they have fun. Then he takes her home. That's fine. It's discreet and it's still dating done respectfully.

But this stuff of rubbing on men in public and then ending up in a bedroom or intimate situation with them ten minutes later - in front of 15 other people - is not discreet and it's not cool. It's a woman giving something away for nothing and it reeks of desperation. Which I'm sure is not the impression that your girlfriend is intentionally trying to send. And then the mocking and disrespect begins, and it's damaging. That stuff WILL get around to your girlfriend and when it does, whether she admits this to you or not, it will be VERY damaging and it will cause her many tears and sleepless nights. In the end, it'll make her feel like shit about herself :-(

Public scorn and humiliation are NEVER positive things.

Those situations are very hard to recover from. The stigma sticks and so do the stories over time. Repeated again and again. Entering a room 4 years later and seeing Big Guy and his buddies pointing in her direction and snickering. Always and forever, "hey look, it's that lady on the bus that. . ."

Don't EVER put yourselves there ladies. And if you have girlfriends acting like this, pull back from them on these evenings out - or join them. . .because if you don't pull back and instead you stick around. . .others are going to brand you the same via the concept of "guilt by association" - and you're going to be guilty, whether you truly are or not. And you will start to experience the same public disrespect and scorn.; October 27, 2013 at 7:38 AM
Notwannalosemywings said...: chk61

yOUR post was amazing, poured wisdom right into my heart.... I am going through exactly the same turmoil. Stay the strong woman you are....; October 27, 2013 at 8:49 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

Absolutely. I agree with the "guilt by association." It is why I didn't go near the bus and I kept pretty quiet when GF was chumming it up with the woman sitting next to me from Singer's group last weekend. It is also why I stayed with my group last night. I saw a couple of the men in the Singer's group checking me out last night, and I showed absolutely no interest... in them or what GF was doing. Honestly, seeing her behavior was disturbing to me, and I thought of how I could be considered the same AND how to be clear that I was not.

Later in the evening, Big Guy was back over with our group and, because he's so tall, I asked him if he could see where GF was in the bar. Laughing and shaking his head, he said, 'Yeah, she's pulled Singer's mother up to dance."

I really just wanted to leave, but my daughter was having a good time with her friends, and I enjoyed seeing the kids who couldn't make it to the house earlier, so I stuck it out.

You had said last week that I'd be a witness to the effects of GF's behavior, and you are right. Thank you for that warning, because it helped me in the following situation:

GF was trying to get DC to come up this weekend. She had made plans for her grandkids to be away for the wknd, etc. But DC contacts her Friday AM saying he can't make it for medical reasons. I heard from DC once since he left last month: a thank you text for allowing him to stay at my house. Well, he's blocked his FB page so that I (maybe everyone) cannot post anything (good way to make sure these women he's juggling do not post/see anything he doesn't want - block everyone from posting). On his birthday, I tried to post a note and couldn't. So when he sent me a thank you text, I told him I couldn't post anything on his page, and asked, "Are you freezing me out?" as a joke.

No response.

So, on the way to the bar last night, GF tells me she is going to try to get DC to come up in 2 wknds for a local casino night we are going to in town for kids baseball team.

GF> That's the long weekend, and we have the Monday off.

Me> (listening with no comment)

GF> I can get someone to take the kids Friday and Saturday night, so DC can stay at my house.

Me> (listening with no comment - but I know what's coming)

GF> And I'm wondering if you mind if DC stays with you Sunday night. I'm just trying to figure this all out and get everything set in my head before I approach him with this.

Me> Ya know, I don't think so. Let HIM figure out where he is going to stay Sunday night or however long he is coming up for. I haven't heard from him at all, and it isn't convenient for me that weekend.

Yes, I have the dreaded 50-yr 1st colonoscopy test coming up in 2-wks -- ugh! But, even if I didn't I still would have said no to GF's request.

As soon as I heard GF's "planning," I was AWARE. I thought of Ms. Mirror's comments last week and decided to nip my involvement in the bud right away. At times I feel I am responsible for this by introducing them in the first place, knowing full well that DC was looking for a hook-up. I warned GF, and she said she wouldn't go 'there' with DC, and could handle it. I guess my saving grace in this situation is that I have provided GF all the warnings and even the truth of DC's behavior, but she forges on anyway.

I agree, Ms. Mirror, it is time for me to separate myself from GF's behavior. It is not me. It never was and, as long as I have half a brain, it never will be. ;-); October 27, 2013 at 9:43 AM
Anonymous said...: Dearest Mirror

Well its a month on Wednesday since Mr.T unceremoniously walked out of my life after dumping me by text.

LADIES PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE follow the amazing Mirror s advice!!! This lady gives her time freely and out of the kindness of her heart - she has spent years of her life learning and set up this beautiful forum to help heal badly hurt people like ourselves. But furthermore, even though her advice is counter-intuitive, it WORKS

I have been using the NC and its been KILLING me. But I forced myself to use this time constructively/going out with friends and trying to repair a heart that was ripped out and stamped all over the floor in the best way possible

Something very strange overcomes you during this process and its all happening just like you said- I ve been hanging out with a new guy already who tells me stuff like 'he didn't deserve you - and 'he must be absolutely crazy'

I know meeting someone on a night out three weeks after being dumped is very fast going - but I certainly didn't set out to meet this nice young man (fitness instructor six years younger than me - woo hoo!)

I was so heartbroken; October 27, 2013 at 12:28 PM
Anonymous said...: However I did meet him and although we are just enjoying each others company at the minute and I have been careful to explain am not ready for a relationship/way too soon, he has been a welcome source of positive energy

SO I was out shopping for a new outfit as I planned to go out on Fri with friends (forcing myself to keep busy) and I got a very strange email from Mr T (first contact in three and a half weeks)

I had always asked him to delete any saucy pics of me if we split up. So I opened this file and its an album of photos he has made of all of my sexy lingerie shots. There was no message with it

What I don't get is why he didn't just delete them and tell me that he has? I obviously wanted to react - it was very hurtful receiving them, yet I haven't done anything wrong. I told him I understood why he was leaving me (all the troubles with my ex) and although its been almost IMPOSSIBLE at times, I ve left him alone/not mithered him in any way for closures/answers etc for weeks - so why nearly a MONTH later send me an album of all our intimate sexy pics?

So that felt like a low blow. He s also back on Plenty of Fish, though I ve not viewed his amended profile as I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I viewed it

Anyway although every part of me screamed to react, I haven't,

PLease can you tell me what on earth you think this is about? Is he just saying - here, I ve moved on? And if so, why not attach a message at least ?

Its really got in my head, just as I was moving on. Its like he 'sensed' it.

If you really want to get someone out of your life/obliviate their existence as he seems to have done to me, then why contact them with an album of pics??

I just don't get it

Anyway staying strong and not contacting dearest Mirror - and really enjoying this amazing feeling of freedom I am suddenly getting. Its still very hard at times but your AMAZING advice really, really does work!

Any insights into his bizarre behaviour would really really help me at the moment if you have any please -its really twisted my head, just as I was getting better!

MANY THANKS MIRROR - I LOVE YOU !!! XXXXX; October 27, 2013 at 12:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror you nailed it...how did you know? I found out things are not working out with his current situation. If you date someone for over a decade and still have issues to solve, then makes me wonder but like you said that's for him to figure out. I am going to follow our NC rule. I haven't had the chance to read the links on consequences. Btw everyday gets easier practicing the NC rule. In the beginning you feel tempted to say "hey wasup where have you been" etc. only for him to come back with the same lame excuse "busy babe" "work babe" "sorry babe". As you said, if they come back before they will come back again. I think I used to think that when (before reading your blog here) they are gone, they are gone forever. I guess not, which should make us girls on here not worry about practicing the NC rule. Still boggles my mind how they come back. You know what? It is the truly the BEST test to see if they like you/believe you are special or just shit they tell you. If you always contact them and chase them, you won't know.

"It sounds to me as if this guy's keeping his options open with you. Kind of a "cake and eat it too" situation. Even though you've never officially coupled up and this never really got off the ground, that appears to be what he's doing. Which tells me he doesn't think his current situation is going to work out"

What do you think of social media and disappearing men? In my case, I expected to wake up in the morning and see that he deleted me. But nope I was still there.; October 27, 2013 at 3:51 PM
Anonymous said...: have a qs.. bf used to ask me when was i free.. so then id say "not too sure, when u free?" then he`d say "not sure", so i would give him a couple of days that i thought id be free, then he`d say "ok and see what i can do..or i`ll let u know" and when those days i was free came around id hear nothing!! how do i get around the when u free circular questions? n what’s he playing at?? why ask if im free then do nothing about it?? arghhhhhhhhh!! its soooo frustrating!! we have the same conversation over and over!!; October 28, 2013 at 6:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Woman with Mr. T,
Well, that's a move that's meant to garner a "reaction" - he's trying to set you off and get you upset so that you'll react emotionally, thus giving him the upper hand. And I imagine he's positioning for the upper hand here because he's angry. Angry that you're not chasing him as he probably expected. It's a hurtful move and it's one that's meant to inflict pain.

But your job is to NOT react - and simply keep enjoying your life.

And this is the reason why, ladies, that I do not advocate exchanging images of this nature with men via text, email or otherwise. I know when you're dating someone you think they're a good, trustworthy person. But the reality is that when things go wrong and/or don't work out, this is what you risk. You risk them using all of those images in nefarious ways. Posting them online, torturing you with them as Mr. T has done, using them to blackmail you to an extent, sharing them with friends, showing them to others - you risk so very much that it's simply not worth it.

If a man wants images like that, always, always refuse. He can take a mental snapshot when he's with you instead.

Ignore that email and ignore his behavior here. Do not react or respond to it. Continue to spend time meeting others and going out and doing things that make you happy. That email is meant to set you off balance emotionally - so don't let it.

The best revenge dear. . .is doing well :-); October 28, 2013 at 8:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 27, 3:51 PM,
"What do you think of social media and disappearing men?"

This is a personal decision. I feel that if you're friends with them on social media and something happens, it's best not to react. It's best to leave them your friend and just don't engage/interact/communicate with them on there. No liking photos, exchanging communications, etc. No drama.

However, if you find yourself constantly obsessing over the man's every move there and constantly checking and using it for purposes that are creating somewhat of an obsessive compulsive situation with regards to being unable to pull away - then unfriend him there and break the negative cycle of behavior.

And do the same if you think the man is using it to do something similar with regards to you. Unfriend him if you think he's stalking you there, keeping tabs on where you're at, what you're doing and who you're with.

When it ventures into negative territory and is used as a tool for negative behavior - unfriend and break the cycle. If you're not doing that and it doesn't have that effect on you (or him), then leave it in place and simply don't react to anything he does there and don't engage/interact with him there either.

But as I said, it's a personal decision - and each of us generally knows what is and isn't healthy for ourselves :-); October 28, 2013 at 8:45 AM
Anonymous said...: What do you think about people who date for years sometimes a decade and never get married?; October 28, 2013 at 1:56 PM
Anonymous said...: I think they continue to check up on us even after they disappear. I liked this one a lot and was so scared of losing him which is why I naturally practiced the NC rule (before reading this forum) so I could be different to the girls he knows. He has 100s of girls who like him and want him. I knew he thought I was special and different so I decided to be that different by not chasing him when he left me :) I guess it kind of worked because he is still "around".

I think the smart thing to do is to keep them on your FB page or social media. If you delete them you look like the scorched pissed off chick. Also you can use your page to post pics (sporadically) looking hot (classy not trashy) and having a good time...as in life goes on. I think what I did wrong in the past before reading this forum is react too much. I practiced the NC rule even before reading this forum which was great. Not sure how I managed to not write them online. It was probably the hardest thing in the world the 2nd day after he dumped me to not message him online (yes he was online...) and say I miss you or why...stupid I know. What I did wrong was react to him liking my pics. He did it once and I reacted. I wish I could remember if I contacted him or not but I think I did and he responded. Then a few months ago he liked pretty much every new pic I posted and I said thank you for the likes JUST to get a conversation going again. I felt and feel like what I was doing was whatever I can to get his attention. Whether that is sending him a pic of me at a wedding looking hot or whatever. I always got a reaction and response from him. BUT I was always reacting which is not how it should be. I remember when we first met it was him waking me up with sweet good morning messages. Now it is me trying to maintain his interest by starting conversations with him, making him laugh, reminding him what a great catch I am because we women think that the way to make sure they don't forget about us is to talk to them a lot well turns out mystery and scarcity are what holds their interest and attention!!! All this time I was worried about "what if he forgets me".; October 28, 2013 at 2:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Dearest MOA

I just want to THANK you so much ... You ve really, really helped me to come full circle. Not made even a month and have transformed from a desperate, heart broken /anxious wreck to accepting a second dinner-date off a gorgeous man/ feeling confident and happy again

The mad thing is, I dont think I even want Mr.T back. What kind of immature stunt is that - sending me those pics ? Fair enough, give him benefit of doubt and assume he is simply returning them as he knew I would fret if they got in the wrong hands (he sent the album privately incidentally, and the pics were all just lingerie - nothing distateful)

But at least send a message with them? There s been no contact at all since being unceremoniously dumped in my time of need until then and YES quite right - they threw me off balance, big time

I tried not to let it get to me, but it messed with my head all weekend

Why is he trying to hurt me, when he s the one who walked out on me? Who in thier right mind would chase a man who dumps them and then ignores them for weeks ?

I know I wanted to so badly, but you taught me to have self-respect and love for myself (WHAT MIRROR TEACHES GIRLS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON EVER - SELF-LOVE!) ...

just dont get why that would make him want to hurt me?

You ve taught us all how to deal with so much. Words cannever express my gratitude to you for helping me get through this Mirror

Am curious - do you think he s got another move? Or will that be it now?

That low blow threw me so bad - not sure if I need to brace myself for another. But maybe that was his way of saying bye

Either way I am not reacting - and even though I ve not got a bad bone in my body, a small part of me hopes that twists his head just a fraction of the amount that his actions have twisted mine! Ha ha!

Never mind - too much energy spent trying to understand his actions. Looking forward to this new date and know its very very soon but I didnt expect to meet anyone I liked for months so just going with the flow for now!

As always love you to bits Mirror - please let me know if you think he s going to pull any more stunts ?

Mind games are horrible / why can t people just speak thier word? If we all did it would avoid so much unnecessary heart ache and drama!

XXXXXXX; October 28, 2013 at 3:16 PM
chk61 said...: No Contact does get easier. Two weeks since the last email from D.M. I know I can easily do 30 days (did it before!) and then forever.

Nothing good would come out of me contacting him. I realize that now. I know he likes to try to be "friends" with exes so I wonder if the last attempt was a "friend" thing so at least he can say to himself, "well, I tried to be friends with her..." and that way he doesn't have any residual guilt (if indeed he would).

Taking a break from online dating, it gets exhausting. Took my profile for a week or two, going to regroup and see how I feel.; October 29, 2013 at 3:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

my today´s update will again confirm what Mirror says - most disappeared men will be back sooner or later.

A few months ago I was corresponding with one man who basically strung me along. We met online, no photos, no telephone numbers exchange. He didn´t initiate it and I didn´t either. After several weeks of emailing he asked me out. I accepted, sent him an email saying "yes, we can meet" and he disappeared. No meeting, no email, nothing. Another few weeks had passed when I got an email from him saying: How are you? I responded cordially because I was genuinely happy he was back - I hadn´t found Mirror´s advice by then - and he never replied. So he disappeared on me twice, although only in the virtual world. It felt almost as bad as if it had been in the real world, however.

Well, over a year has passed since the last contact and he is back with a How are you doing? email. Guess what I am going to do. I am going to ignore him although I am single and I know there are not many options in my area. Still, I am not going to reply. Never. Because I gave him two chances already which he didn´t use and I don ´t see any reason why I should give him another chance to disappear on me. It seems so natural to me, so simple and reasonable that I am starting to find it difficult to understand why in the past I used to be so willing to accept men who were disrespectful. I guess it was because I didn´t see that they were impolite, I always found excuses for their behaviour.

Anyway, I am writing this mainly as a response to those women who are desperate over their man´s disappearance. In my case three men have reappeared: one, with whom I had just one date, after a year; the player who brought me here and whom I dumped after a few weeks; and this man, who was in virtual touch with me for weeks, after a year. And I must also mention two more men who I had only one date with - one reappeared " by accident" when he invited me to join the cyclists´club he is a member of a few weeks after our bland date and the other one reappeared asking for work related advice but it was obviously an excuse for contacting me.

So you see these men are as lonely as we women often are and they don´t seem to have many options similarly to us although many times they pretend otherwise. That´s why we women should respect ourselves more and meet and date men realising that we are worth their effort, energy and time. Mirror is right and although some of her advice may seem strict to some women, it´s worth taking to heart and acting upon.

Mirror, when I deal with men now I always think of you and what you would say. I don´t always do what you advise but the more experience I gain of dating - I have been dating online only for a year after many year´s pause - the more I implement your advice because it works.

Best wishes to all of you,
HopefulWithMen; October 29, 2013 at 6:51 PM
Anonymous said...: I was dating a guy for 3 months who suddenly freaked out bc I think he realized things were getting serious and he just got out of a 5 year relationship in the last year. He had his 40th birthday and suddenly freaked out about everything in his life including me. Anyway, he emailed me on July 30 that he saw himself alone in the intermediate future. I wrote him back 3 days later expressing my anger and disappointment that he chose to do this over email - I told him it was insensitive, inappropriate, and childish, and that if this is who he was, it was probably for the best that we parted ways.

I heard nothing from him since then. I ran into him at the gym exactly a month later and he could not hold eye contact w me or respond to my "hey how's it going?" I texted teh next day saying I was sorry if it was upsetting for him to see me and as much as I was sorry for how things were left between us, I really wished him well. No response.

A month later, I emailed him saying i felt badly for the way things were left between us so wanted to extend an olive branch and invited him to a book launch I knew we'd both want to go to (that only I had access to). No reply.

So I wrote him a letter. Telling him everything I wanted to say. It was a very kind letter, I think, I said I could understand if he got scared but was very confused based on his behavior leading up to it all. That I hated the way we left things at our last meeting. That I never told him how lucky I felt to meet him and the handful of other guys I met while he and i were dating had only convinced me how lucky I had been to meet someone I clicked w as much as him. That we had both known we had so much potential. That our commonalities in terms of values & interests & culture & perspectives on life & love were special and nothign had happened to mean we shouldn't give it a chance. That I knew that we deserved a chance to see if we might have made a great couple. That despite the way things ended, I felt really lucky to have met someone like him. That I believed he would regret it eventually but might not be ready for a serious relationship for awhile, but there were these things I needed to say to him. My guy friend read it (straight don't worry!) and said he cried. He said it was so beautiful only an asshole wouldn't respond to that. I haven't heard anything. Did I make a big mistake telling him how I felt?; October 29, 2013 at 6:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Honey, you've come leaps and bounds from where you were when you first arrived here. I hear the strength in your voice and I sense your confidence now. For those of you who may be new here, HopfulWithMen was NOT her original nickname here - it began as HopelessWithMen. So what's that tell you ladies? A complete turn around - inside. And that's where it begins, inside and with you.

The journey is not easy and it is a lot of hard work, however, if you learn to love yourself first, then it becomes near impossible for you to permit others to act negatively upon you. And the entire process is liberating.

HopfulWithMen came here hopeless - but once she became HopefulWithMen, she since experienced a total of 5 reappearances, combined.

"Mirror is right and although some of her advice may seem strict to some women, it´s worth taking to heart and acting upon."

Yes, many newbies may have a hard time understanding my words and view my suggestions as too extreme, however, ask yourself - isn't loving yourself meant to be taken extremely serious? Isn't someone treating you poorly and disrespecting you meant to be taken as an extremely serious offense? In my opinion it is - and it comes with a zero tolerance policy.

Additionally, obstacles, challenges and hardships promote growth. I know it sounds absurd, but it's true. Even great minds of the past embraced obstacles, challenges and hardships as opportunities:

"Failure is simply an opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” ~ Henry Ford

"I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don't work.” ~ Albert Einstein

You see, in order for me to compel others to grow, I have to challenge their beliefs. And when I challenge their beliefs, this creates an obstacle for them to overcome. And overcoming that obstacle proves a hardship for them. This may sound counter-intuitive, but honestly gals, it's the recipe for growth and advancement in life. And before I started doing this, I found that recipe for growth in my own life. I recognized the pattern and I willingly chose to repeat it, and test myself and my strength time and time again, and have many long talks with myself forcing me to face harsh truths. I've gone through this process myself ladies and I've validated that it works. Which is why I then chose to share it here with you.

So remember - challenges, obstacles and hardships. . .are the recipe for growth and advancement.

"I don´t always do what you advise but the more experience I gain of dating. .the more I implement your advice because it works."

And that's perfectly acceptable. I realize that the ladies here are not going to accept my perspective and change overnight. I realize it's a lengthy, somewhat troublesome journey. But if you try, and then learn from your mistakes, and then improve upon your attempts as a result the next time - then you're on your way ;-); October 30, 2013 at 8:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 29, 6:55 PM,
"Did I make a big mistake telling him how I felt?"

Unfortunately dear, only mature men can handle emotion-laden communication like that positively. Emotionally immature men, which is most times what disappearing non-responsive men are, cannot. And he signaled his inability to communicate maturely when he broke up with you via email. That right there signaled that he is incapable of doing so. And when that happens, displaying even more of that emotion towards them only tends to send them further away. Add to that the fact that men do not like to be pursued and chased by women, and it sends them even further away. I touched upon this entire concept in the article above in the sections concerning The Scarcity Theory of Value, Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction and Men Prefer Simple Communication.

When a man walks away from you dear, you let him go. You accept that this wasn't meant to be and you release him. You do not beat your head against the wall attempting to convince him that you're a great person who deserves a chance. Because the reality is that you cannot make someone love you or want to be with you, no matter what you say or do, nothing will change that. So when this happens, you should not feel bad about yourself and try harder. You should be highly offended - and disappear. The only thing a man that walks away from you should ever hear - is the sound of crickets chirping in the distance on a quiet night.

I believe it was Carla who shared this link here: http://youtu.be/Pketb6gxR3w. It's titled, "Let Them Walk."

I'd advise you give that a listen a few times dear. The words spoken are very true. Your future is not dependent on a man. "Your destiny is not tied to the person who left. . .people leave you because they're not joined to you. . .you've got to know when people's part in your story is over, so that you don't try to raise the dead. . .when you've tried to make it work and it doesn't work, it's no accident. . .stop begging people to stay, let them go."

Very true words dear. Accept it and let him go. Do not continue to punish yourself over this or live in the fantasy of "what could be." Instead, see the reality of what it is, which is nothing - done.

We've all been there dear. You're not alone here. Don't beat yourself up over this, view it as a very valuable lesson and learning opportunity for growth, be thankful for it. Cease contacting him and cease being friendly, open, warm and nice to him. Do not give your time, energy and focus to those who don't deserve it. Do not reward someone who treats you poorly with your time and attention. When your dog pees on the floor, you don't give it a treat. Instead, it receives a consequence for that action, which is to be placed outside, away from you.

Instead of issuing him rewards for treating you poorly, such as your continued time and attention, show him the consequences of his actions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

He gets no access to you, none of your attention and no communication from you for the way he's treated you and the decision he's made - those are his consequences.; October 30, 2013 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous Oct 29, 6:55 PM,

Oh boy what you did is something I would have done a few years ago and still sometimes do but to a lesser extent. When a guy walks away, the more you contact him, chase him, ask about him or whatever the less likely he will return to you. With every email, call or letter you reduce the chance of him ever crawling back to you. Why? Because in his head he feels better about leaving you, helps justify his decision. "yeah she was psycho glad I got away or glad that's over". You want him to regret his decision and weep at night alone like a child about what a mistake he has made - "how did I let this one get away". I knew this before but my friend's therapist friend told me this :) These guys need to grow up.

When I was in College I remember doing the same thing you did and my straight guy friend even advised me to do it. They give the worst advice. I think they want us to screw up and turn around and say wow you are such a good guy, much better than any of the assholes out there. I went as far as leaving a cute card under his dorm door. Argh...makes me want to slap myself.

Last year I almost did what you did but THANK GOD, and I repeat again THANK GOD after crying for days, staying up unable to sleep with that horrible feeling in my stomach (Labor day weekend), I showed up to work, wrote an email that I wanted to send to a guy who disappeared a lot but worst of all, sent me a message saying he worked out the problems he had with his ex and that he can't cheat on her and wishing me luck etc. I saved the email in my draft and printed it and put in my purse. For some reason it made me feel so powerful to have it by me right there - maybe proud that I didn't send it. It was basically a letter saying "why did you tell me all these things that you cared, got my hopes up. If you are a guy of faith like you say you are, why did you lie etc..". Well he basically used me as an emotional crutch. I was lucky to have my mom help me get through it. She basically told me look just like he used you, you used him to keep you company and give you confidence. Consider him some sort of entertainment (he's actually a well known actor). You got lucky she said, you got away unscathed from this player, nothing has been lost - we never slept together or anything I didn't want to till I knew he was done with his ex. I always thank my mom in my heart. She never rubbed it in my face that it didn't work out.

Well guess what guys or ladies? He has been making appearances back in my life and I wish I read MOA earlier but every thing she says in these posts is SPOT ON. I made the mistake of a) communicating back too quickly with him b) welcoming him back with open arms. He is still around but going forward I want to be more careful. I mean I should have sat back and chilled, the guy messaged me less than a week after ending it so chances are he will be back! A good guy friend of mine laughed and told me. He will be back. I said why? He said people have a hard time changing their pattern of behavior.

The reason I regret communicating back (NC and scarcity rules is what I should have done) so quickly with him is he himself told me I am a perfect 10 so why should I chase him? That said, I think if I had chased him like most women would have done (he is a pretty popular guy) I would have never heard from him ever again. Now going forward, I am going to sit back more. The funny part is after reading this post, I am not sure I care so much to have him back. Now if he comes back and shows he has changed and with real commitment I will certainly play my cards right this time. He needs to earn my trust - thanks to MOA we are learning to walk around the mines in the dating field!; October 30, 2013 at 10:31 AM
pisces girl said...: Love those last two posts of yours Mirror. Your absolutely right that challenges, obstacles and hardships are the recipe for growth and advancement i can personally attest to that. I read something the other day that said that sometimes God (or if you are very not religious the Universe) doesnt give you what you want not because you dont deserve it but because you deserve better and those words hit home with me as a reminder that there's a reason you dont always get what you want and its for your own benefit but in the moment you may not realize that.I dont think that relationships should be that hard where we- as you put it are banging our heads against the wall trying to make someone love us(someone who probably isnt even worthy of our love and affection) or were constantly walking on eggshells or have anxiety worried that person may leave us. Theres a reason we grow up hearing stories about the prince who comes along and rescues the princess and sweeps her off her feet and loves and adores her and they live happily ever after. Come to think of it i cant ever recall hearing about a desperate hot mess of a girl who chased after the prince and stalked his life and begged him to make her his one and only -it doesnt work that way and it never will. Our girlfriends would have us believe that times are different and things arent like a fantasy tale anymore but then you look at the relationships they have where they are doing all the work and are constantly complaining feeling unappreciated and arent really unhappy and usually have a low self esteem and are insecure and then you realize they are the last people to ever seek relationship advice from. One of my best friends even goes as far as to say me and another girlfriend of ours shouldnt have such high standards. Thats the world we live in now were standards are being lowered just so we can 'be in a relationship' and have someone and men know this!anybody can be in a relationship but what about a companionship and parternship thats so important in life because life can be so hard and thats why its so important to have someone who actually gives a shit about you and is physically and emotionally there not just reapparing when he wants to use you for sex or anything else-thank you for your words of wisdom mirror <3; October 30, 2013 at 12:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @PiscesGirl,
"One of my best friends even goes as far as to say me and another girlfriend of ours shouldnt have such high standards."

That is truly sad to hear. I should clarify though that having high standards about the lifestyle a man can provide you with, the money he can give you access to, the cars he can provide for you, the clothing, the jewelry, the big house - those are not the standards I'm referring to here and in the end, those things don't mean anything. When you die, you can't take material things with you and no one is going to stand at your funeral and talk about how much nice stuff you had.

The standards I'm talking about here are the standards you set and keep about YOURSELF, not other individuals. Meaning, value yourself, love yourself and set standards for yourself that dictate that you will only permit others that treat you the same to enter and be a part of your life.

Settling out of fear - will never lead anyone to value you and love you. As a matter of fact, it signals the exact opposite and says, "Do with me what you will. I'm desperate and I don't value myself, I don't love myself and therefore, you don't have to either. . .but I will still love and value you because my desperation and need far outweigh my love of "self."

Don't send that message, and don't listen to friends who mean well - but advise you to do things that go against your own gut, and self-sabotage your own happiness.

If they choose to live life through the lens of fear, then so be it. But you don't have to subscribe to that for yourself. Don't be a follower - be a leader. Because when you're caught up in the herd, following others mindlessly and not being a free-thinker. . .you never see the cliff up ahead awaiting you, that the herd is jumping off of, one by one.; October 30, 2013 at 12:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

Wonder if you remember me... I'm the "Pisces girl with Aries male experience" that wrote to you on June the 4th, July the 5th and then a few weeks later in July... In my last message to you I had contact again with my disappearing Aries and was strong enough to lay down some boundaries with him and not give in to his charms etc...

I find myself in a confusing situation right now... It is now about 3 months since we've seen each other, I did not contact him since and ignored him completely on social media, but did not 'unfriend' him on it. I've also moved to another country in the mean time... about a week or so ago I went to this Art Fair (he is an artist, by the way) and posted some pics of that on instagram... He then actually liked one of these pics (this was the second photo of mine ever in a whole year of knowing each other that he actually liked, and he was never shy liking pretty girls' profile pics by the way) but anyway, this threw me a bit off guard because just recently before that I wondered if we would ever be able to just be normal with each other on social media again, as in, not feel weird to like each others or similar things, the reason why I though that, was that we have a few mutual friends one of which is a very good friend of us both and a lot of mutual interests and I have found myself sometimes having to refrain from liking something or commenting on a mutual friends post because he might get the wrong idea, as in think I'm somehow trying to get his attention...

So after mulling this over for two days after he liked my pic, i decided to like one of his, and thought, you know, I usually like back when people like my pics, so why should I be different with him, especially after so much time...

Now I kinda feel like maybe I shouldn't have, there has been no liking since from either side... Was it a mistake to do that Mirror??? Did I maybe send the wrong message by doing that??? I just cant get my head around it and would really appreciate your input... Social media really just confuses everything!

( by the way, not sure if this matters but the pic he liked was of an art piece with quite a sexual undertone... the one I then liked back was of his art, a samurai design...)

:-); October 30, 2013 at 3:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 30, 3:11PM,
"after he liked my pic, i decided to like one of his, and thought, you know, I usually like back when people like my pics, so why should I be different with him, especially after so much time..."

Well here's the thing. You should be different with him because, he never apologized. Additionally, you don't reward people that treat you poorly with your time and attention. When you do that, you signal to them that an apology isn't necessary - and then you suffer a repeat. As you're experiencing now.

On social media, and off it, if you're ready to be friends with someone, that's fine. But an apology should take place before you decide to grant them your time and attention first. It's common courtesy and simply the right thing to do.

If you feel you're past the point of an apology and you decide you don't want one, that's fine too. But realize that you're signaling to him that it's okay to treat you poorly and not apologize for it - and you'll still be there anyway.

The other thing to consider is - YOU. How will his possible rejection affect you? Are you really strong enough to be friends without expectations? Are you really willing to settle for friendship without that apology or consideration?

And I think, based on the fact that you're now back to self-doubt and questioning things, the answer for you to those question above is - no, you're not. You're not strong enough yet to be friends without expectation. You are actually expecting something from your efforts with him, and when that's the case, most times, these guys will always only disappoint you. Which is why it isn't worth it to overlook their poor treatment of you and then welcome them with open arms into a friendship without an apology or common courtesy.

His rejection is now hurting you and causing you to question yourself and him - again. You've hit the "repeat" button in a sense, and it's brought you right back to square one - anxiety, worry, questioning, regret - none of which are positive or healthy for you.

Until you receive the common courtesy of an apology or have met someone else and no longer have any residual feelings for the man. . .it's best to just shut them out. Not to be rude or ignorant, but to protect yourself from any potential emotional fallout such as this.

Moving forward dear, if it were me, I'd ignore these little foolish things on social media and stay focused on yourself, your emotional well-being and your future. . .and leave him where he belongs - in your past.

"Don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future."; October 30, 2013 at 4:22 PM
pisces girl said...: sorry typo "arent really unhappy" meant to say they arent really happy. i love what you pointed out about fear and not having to live your life through that lens of fear. I honestly can say that i have felt my confidence and knowledge and truth about men and truths about myself growing since visiting this site but also feel my confidence expanding in my dealings with people at work,with friends and family. I used to fear speaking my mind, standing up for myself or even disagreeing with someone and now i can confidently say that i am more able to do so -not always but a lot of times. And im finding that people actually respect me more for it! im starting to realize that what people would consider to be a bitch- a woman who is strong and confident and who speaks her mind and doesnt tolerate poor treatment and disrespect from others fare better in this world. I would consider myself to be a very nice person to everyone i encounter but im realizing the harsh realities of this world we live in and that not every one is that nice and can be trusted therefore i have to armour myself and defend and protect myself and be strong and take the necessary actions required otherwise who else will-no one. i would bet the majority of the females who post here are very loving, caring, sweet ladies who have been taught to be very patient and kind with people and subsequently end up tolerating a lot of bullshit-im still working on myself its a process but i feel with age, experience, hardships and being kind and patient with myself and having some support (like this forum) im going to continue to grow and become a better version of myself.; October 30, 2013 at 5:25 PM
Pisces Girl with Aries Male Expereince said...: Thank you for your reply Mirror.

Argh, cant believe i blew it... especially after the progress I made with the last meeting we had, being able to say no to him then was so invigorating. Guess I really need to learn to stay angry a bit, at least in the form of no tolerance, because you are right we would never be able to have any kind of real friendship if he doesn't offer a genuine apology. Wonder if that day will ever come...

I think I'm going to try a 30 day no contact with Social Media, to try and get my head back into the real world with real interactions with real people. I'm sure it will at least be less confusing.

xoxo; October 31, 2013 at 9:47 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi everyone, I last wrote on October 16- "haven't had a Bigfoot sighting in almost 6 months." Well, Sasquatch has reared it's ugly head. He didn't contact me directly, but he inserted himself into a situation where he knew there would be a good chance of seeing me. So Mirror, do we still consider that as "reappearing"? I was to meet up for a quick conversation with a mutual friend, he happened to hear from this mutual friend that he was meeting with me. So DM tagged along. There was no reason he needed to be there. Why did he do this, but hasn't contacted me all this time? I was surprised at how I kept my cool when I saw him. He looked nervous and approached me with a hug. I focused on the conversation with the mutual friend and when it was over he hugged me again and kissed my cheek. They left and I felt sick. Emotions came flooding back so I texted a friend right away so I wouldn't do anything stupid- yes I was tempted to contact him, but I didn't. Im pissed that he has set me back a little. I meant it in my last post that I didn't want to see or hear from him again. Friendship isn't even a possibility. I was totally prepared to ignore him if he called or texted, but wasn't prepared for him to show up unexpectedly. I'm guessing he was testing the waters? To see how I would react to seeing him? Did he hope I might call after that? I was polite but indifferent towards him. Just want this to be over.; November 1, 2013 at 7:18 PM
VirgoPal said...: HopefulWithMen-

I am so happy with your progress. It must be so empowering to feel in control of yourself at this moment in time. It's so funny when these guys initially disappear we want them to come back. We are waiting by the phone waiting....and waiting...and waiting.... However, once they do, most of the time eventually we don't want THEM. That's the beauty of NC. It allows you to step back and evaluate the situation for what it IS and not what you want it to be. It's very empowering to be in control of who comes and goes in your life.; November 2, 2013 at 12:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous November 1, 7:18AM,
Sounds to me like, yes, he was testing your reaction. And yes, I assume he was expecting to open that door again and expecting to hear from you afterwards as a result. However, had you done that, there's a 50/50 chance or more that he would've had a discussion with you and then poof. . .disappeared once again. Particularly if he didn't apologize when he saw you. Which means he still hasn't reached the conclusion that he's done anything wrong by disappearing.

I'd sit tight. If he doesn't hear from you as he's most likely expecting to, there's a chance he'll contact you. And if he does, I'd let that contact go unanswered until he expresses remorse or invites a "talk" and/or apologizes in some manner. An attempt to make amends initiated by him basically.

This will set you back, but stand strong. Trust me, if you do, you'll feel much better about yourself in two weeks than if you reach out to him, and he ignores you and/or plays the disappearing act again, in which case you'll suffer regret and feel bad about yourself again.

So sit tight. . .I imagine this isn't over, LOL ;-); November 2, 2013 at 9:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror for your reply. I'm not going to hold my breath that he will contact me with any words of remorse or make amends. He never has anything to say about anything. The times I've tried to end it he always remained emotionless. I would be the one who did all the talking (lol), and then we would just lose contact for a little while. It seemed like he would never completely cut the cord with me. I always felt like he was stringing me along. Thanks for listening, I'll keep you posted!; November 2, 2013 at 3:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous November 2, 2013 at 3:04pm

Be strong girl! As mirror said let him contact you and leave those calls/emails and text messages unanswered. You know how you will feel? AMAZING and so dignified. I hope it happens for your sake. When it happens leave those messages flashing on your phone :) Call a girlfriend and go out for a nice dinner and movie while you feel at peace. Always nice to know that you weren't the one who sent the last message :) There are soooo many times where I wished I had remained strong and didn't contact back. I would enjoy the "unanswered" message for a day or so - not enough.; November 2, 2013 at 3:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Responding to "Did I make a big mistake telling him how I felt?"

I appreciate everything you are saying, and I wrote the letter to get everything off of my chest and let him go. And in many ways I have. I agree - and even said in the letter! - that I am not interested in convincing anyone to be with me, and that if in fact he believes that what is out there for him is a life that will routinely and indefinitely be peppered with women like me, then he must not appreciate me at all. I believe that in my heart. (On paper, by every measure, although I don't like thinking this way, but I know I am "better" than him in the marketplace of dating - I am objectively much better looking, I have two graduate degrees from Ivy League universities and an undergrad degree from a top liberal arts college, he has an undergrad degree from a good state school in the midwest. I have traveled all over, I have a rich full life of family and friends and am always busy.)

I don't play games, and fundamentally, I don't play hard to get - I AM hard to get. A lot of things about me are off-putting and intimidating to men, and despite that, this guy kept up with me in a way most men aren't usually able to do. Until he freaked out, which was undeniably shitty and a sign of weakness, no doubt.

But, I really think the timing was just off here, and he got scared. And there is nothing I can do about another person's fears. But what I really just want to know is if what I have done by telling him how I feel is making it less likely I will ever hear back from him? I just wanted to clear the air of any miscommunications that had been out there and also just tell him that he had touched me - wouldn't anyone be happy to hear that? and that I knew it might take him a long time before he is ready for anything serious, so I had moved on, but these were the things I needed to say before I could do so completely.

So my essential question is a tactical one - by telling him how I feel, did I make it less likely I will ever hear back from him again? Because I still know in my heart that he will regret not giving us a chance. That doesn't mean the timing will be right in the future - maybe I will have met someone better by then, but maybe I will not have met anyone and will be past the pain of this and up for trying again, though we would certainly have to start over.; November 2, 2013 at 5:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror,
This might be a dumb question, but if a guy who disappeared on you is still available for chat on gchat, should I stay online when he is (because I was already there chatting with others) or should I block him? Wouldn't blocking him show "too much emotion." It is still NC if he sees me online, right? Thanks; November 2, 2013 at 11:26 PM
JD said...: Ok, I think I am understanding that age doesn't equate on the automatic level of maturity. I thought because he has a very good work ethic and is a very responsible father that he was also mature in the relationships with women dept. Now I see that I was just focused on the surface for a long time and didn't dig deep enough before I got emotionally attached. And I was so freaking flabbergasted when his response was "Yes, I do have daughters." like WTH. What kind of answer is that. Then saying "I'm not cruel...I just had a lot going on with my daughter and some other things in my life." So to me, that signaled that when ever he has "things" going on...he thinks it's ok to disappear. Then what is your take if this guy outwardly expresses his concern for people. Like for instance, on his FB, I've noticed he would post comments that are more than just one liners, encouraging someone or expressing some sort of sympathy. And it's not to cyberflirt. But he played with my mind like that?

Now about your response to him being a Mama's Boy. He has admitted it to the cyber world. His Mom would post things like "I'm going to give him so many hugs and kisses when I see him" (she lives in another state). And when she does visit, she will clean his house, do his laundry, cook, etc. I do remember when we were working together that he said his Mom and Aunts (her sisters) would still talk bad about his ex-wife. So that does signal to me, that his Mom and a lot of members in his family thinks there's no woman out there good enough for him. Well only if they knew what he has done!; November 3, 2013 at 12:19 AM
JD said...: (continued from JD)

Ok, so the first time I think I freaked him out by leaving the message of inquiring about his workl schedule, I did add, after I touched on that, "Where is this going...bc we'e been conversing for a year now...if you want it casual, then that's cool but I'd appreciate it if you tell me." I guess THAT was "demanding"!! Then the few other times I messaged him (yes I know I should've stopped), I asked "Is this you falling back or is something going on..." as in is there family probs, etc. But again, neer addressed my other questions, just kept mentioning the schedule. The reason why I even asked that time, is that he had done that before...he said he wanted to see me and that we'd plan something and that he would let me know what the deal was with his kids, but then he NEVER got back to me! That happened twice. So I had to be the one to reach out to find out what was going on!

After choosing to sleep with him after YEARS of being celibate, he never thought how much damage it would be to just ignore me? Is that maybe why til this day, he has never addressed "Where are we going with this" or anything, because his plan was to keep me in his radar? I'm still surprised that HE was surprised or even offended that I said "I feel like you've shown me your real character and true colors...never thought you were a hit it and quit it type of guy". And he was offended??!! I mean how did he expect a woman who chose to sleep with him after abstaining from sex, react and feel? And I think, even though I called him that and he responded with "I certainly wouldn't label myself like that...sorry you feel that way about me." That there's a chance I will have a Big Foot sighting? I thought it has been almost 2 mos of NC but it's been 6 weeks LOL. Time does go by when you keep yourself busy.

Sometimes I think..has he forgotten about me? Then I proceed to shake it off and remember that I do deserve better. Yes. 2-3 min. Cheated. LOL

OMG, do you think he told some of his buddies about me? Grrrr...LOL; November 3, 2013 at 12:19 AM
JD said...: (continued from JD)

About sending saucy pics. Yes, I did send him one, just my upper body and myself in a bra. Ugh. I hope his phone magically deleted that. I'm thankful though that I never sent him a naked one. And he actually did...playfully ask for an out of shower pic. Stating "I know my baby won't send me one but it doesn't hurt to try" or something like that. I asked my relatives and friends (who most are married) and they have told me that their husbands have NEVER asked for a naked pic while they were dating. But when he did ask me for that he said "I think you don't want to send one because you don't trust me." well duh, that was a reason. But I did tell him that, that's something I would only think of doing for someone who I am exclusive with.

I do agree with the deal about Social Media. If you are strong enough to ignore him, uncheck this notifications or show in newsfeed option and you won't ever see his posts, updates or comments and likes on other people's profiles. I think I'll be totally ok after a few more months.

Alright, I remember one instance where I felt he started pulling back...I had called him to talk to him. Went straight to voicemail so I texted him that I need to talk to him about something serious. I was going to have that "talk" then. So he texted and said he would call me. Well he did call, I missed it bc I had my phone on silent. But I texted him that sorry I missed his phone call. Well I tried calling him back several times after but it would just go straight to voicemail. Then later on we finally get in touch and he tells me that because he tried to call and couldn't reach me and I texted him, "sorry I missed you call I was in a shopping zone" that he started falling back. WTH. What was THAT about? I'm like you're going to fall back because of THAT?; November 3, 2013 at 12:20 AM
JD said...: (continued from JD)

I'm beginning to think that he has a lot of baggage from his previous marriage. When we worked together, he did share with me that they didn't get divorced bc of infidelity, but because his ex would I guess go out all times of the night with her friends and have her fun, but disrespect him. What does that say about him? I think they were married for 6-7 years.

SIGH. This has really been a learning experience. This is my first DM. I hope it will be my last!

I agree with MOA, you've got to have self respect and DIGNITY. Let him go and give him ALL the space he needs. I don't really think of what could've been. Because I'm more focused on learning from this so I won't end up with an IMMATURE man again. Still focused on improving myself. Don't settle for just anything! I was a bit sad after listening to this radio segment about a woman who had a disability because of polio as a kid. She fell in love with her neighbor who is also an addict and has other mental issues and she can't get over him. You could hear the hurt in her voice as well as some desperation...like she wanted him to want her so bad bc she was afraid no one else would want her. So she seemed to be willing to settle for him!

I mean really, the point of NC is for YOU. Not to get him back. Work on YOU. Protect your emotions. Don't give him an opportunity to reject you again! So if he does or doesn't come back, at least you are more emotionally strong and are living life well. Take back YOUR POWER. You control this. Don't let it be up to him to decide where this is going.

There's a chance I will in about 6 mos actually see the DM in person, due to a graduation. Am I even going to acknowledge him? HELL NO. But I will make sure I look deliciously wonderful! LOL

He gets NO LOVE, no attention, unless he apologizes. I saw this on someone's Instagram the other day....like diamonds and other precious jewel. VALUE doesn't seek, it ATTRACTS.; November 3, 2013 at 12:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 2, 5:13 PM.
"tell him that he had touched me - wouldn't anyone be happy to hear that?"

Sure. But sometimes dear, that's all they need to hear. Sometimes, people who don't feel good about themselves, who suffer from low self-esteem and/or insecurities and are emotionally immature - all they are seeking is "reassurance" from others. And once it's received, they move on, seeking more. The definition of reassurance is "the action of removing someone's doubts or fears." So once the fear and doubt have been removed, they feel great about themselves. . .and set off to seek more of it from other individuals.

Basically, they are living their life through the lens of "ego." The ego has a huge need to feed, it's shallow. And once it's fed, it's satiated and they are satisfied. And that's enough for them. Because they may not be seeking a relationship, only reassurance, from many individuals, over and over again. It's an egotistical, shallow, superficial lifestyle.

"by telling him how I feel, did I make it less likely I will ever hear back from him again?"

There's no real way to answer that dear. This man is still somewhat of a virtual stranger at this point and there's no way to predict what he will do and/or feel weeks or months from now.

Unfortunately, I cannot give you the reassurance that you are now seeking :-( Only time will tell dear. So in the meantime, keep moving forward and continue dating others. If this man has a change of heart, he knows where to find you. But you deserve better than this - so don't settle for less than you deserve :-); November 3, 2013 at 7:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 2, 11:26 PM,
I would not defer from my normal routine. I would not respond to any attempts at contact or communication and I would continue living my life as I normally would.; November 3, 2013 at 7:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"if you want it casual, then that's cool but I'd appreciate it if you tell me."

You don't need for HIM to tell you where YOUR life is going dear. His actions are already telling you that, you don't need to hear it in words. If he wanted a relationship, he would've asked for a commitment by now. Most men will ask for one within the first 4 to six months or so. So if you find yourself in the same place a year later and it's not progressing, there's your answer right there. And when that happens, don't drive yourself mad convincing someone to be with you. Instead, decide for YOURSELF that this isn't what you want and it's not making you happy - and move on. Cease the relationship and move on to find someone who wants what you want and is willing to make you happy. Don't wait around for someone else to decide that.

"we'd plan something and that he would let me know what the deal was with his kids, but then he NEVER got back to me! That happened twice. So I had to be the one to reach out to find out what was going on! "

When that happens dear, you don't have to ask what's going on - his actions are already telling you :-(

"how did he expect a woman who chose to sleep with him after abstaining from sex, react and feel?"

It appears as if he doesn't care about other people dear, only himself.

"they have told me that their husbands have NEVER asked for a naked pic while they were dating."

That's because the men respected those women and took them seriously, because they were good men. Gentlemen will NEVER ask a woman to do this, because the very request itself is disrespectful to women. When a man asks you to lower yourself to this level - it's always a big red flag.

"that's something I would only think of doing for someone who I am exclusive with."

No, never do that. Because when the breakup comes, you'd be amazed at what good men can do with "bad girl" pictures. Don't send any out and you'll never find yourself there.

"He gets NO LOVE, no attention, unless he apologizes. .like diamonds and other precious jewel. VALUE doesn't seek, it ATTRACTS."

Exactly - so be that sparkling jewel :-); November 3, 2013 at 7:53 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for the response Mirror.
I will just avoid him if he is already online. I don't want him to think I am online just at the hopes he will communicate with me! LOL. And yes, I won't respond to any communications. Thanks.; November 3, 2013 at 3:54 PM
Anonymous said...: I had to share this but the NC really does work. I am not sure why, but the more NC I have with him, the better I feel. I used to feel this roller coaster ride of feelings whenever I communicated with him and poof he disappeared offline. Strange...when I was younger in my 20s I used to have less self control - sending multiple messages, multiple attempts to get his attention, tried different methods of communication (text, email, text, email...) LOL.; November 4, 2013 at 2:37 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror

First I met my libra man on new years eve, everything was going ok, but I let him contact me, I never contact since he would tell me that he works a lot, do I was like ok fine, call me when u have the time, at first I didn't pay him any attention, but then I started to get to know him, he would tell me that he doesn't want me to get to close, but then after 4 or 5 months I meet his family, spent the night at his house, which turned out to be his moms house, but ok fine, I don't judge, we have great times togther, like dinners , movies, trips, but of course the libra comes out about the lies he tells

7 months later I find out that he is married, but Seprated, cause he has been living with his mother for over 1 year now, not I skip to Month 10 he tells me that he loves me but he has been with his Wife, just learned that he is not legally Seprated, that he has been with her for like 20 something years, but has a child by another woman during his marriage that the wife doesn't know about, so he tells me that he doesn't want to lose me, he has been calling non stop, I haven't been hanging out with him, but yet he wants me to stay in his life,

But I told him to work things out with his Seperated wife, like he wants to, but he still hasn't told her the truth about his 5 year old daughter with another woman, still not living with her, and he still try's to hold onto me, asking me to go to movies, dinners, even holidays to the poconos, now that I have found another man, he mentions the other guy a lot, I don't even mention his wife, I could care less, I just don't understand how can he say he wants to work things out with another woman, but yet wants to things with me that he should be doing with his wife, it seems to me that he either wants me to chase him which I won't, or he wants to keep me all to himself, but brings up my other guy friends, I just don't know what else I can to to admit that he really isn't trying to work anything out; November 4, 2013 at 7:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Need your help Mirror! I met this guy through some friends during a trip, they said he talked about me all night and how he liked the way I handled myself and exuded something he liked. He is friends with people I know, the second night he approaches me and we talk about general stuff at the end of the night he hands me his business card. I was shocked he was that interested in me but I did not give him my number because it would be long distance, he is 5 years younger than me ( Capricorn) so it happened very fast and I thought that was it. My friend calls me and tells me he really liked you and since you didn't give him your number he doesn't feel right in calling you, like your not interested. So I take a chance and email him, we begin to email once a week and it increases to twice a week and before we know it we're chatting and calling 3-4 times a week. It went so fast but the attraction and connection was intense, this man pursued me for 3 months everyday. Calling me, messaging me first thing in the morning and all he told his friends he likes me and wants a serious relationship. He was supposed to visit me but there was a huge snow storm and we decided against it. He started to become very busy with work ( he runs some family businesses as well as his own) as I did. I became impatient with not seeing him, a cousin of mine invited me on a trip to where this man lives but I could not go do to work obligations. When he found out I couldn't go he became disappointed.

Here is where it goes downhill, I became attached to him, he had been the first one to tell me how he felt about me and wanted to date exclusively even though it would be long distance. We both are well off financially, him more than me but we discussed that we would take turns and travel to see eachother and he would pay for my flight. I let my guard down told him how I felt and my big no- no that I felt some insecurity due to not seeing him ( big mistake). I told him if he had lost interest to let me know and we could part ways. He insisted it was not that and it was that it was work and he was incredibly busy and stressed.

After that I felt a change in him, we were talking less but he would always respond or make sure to get back to me at least once a week. I had discussed with him some vacation time I had coming up in 2 Months, since he was so busy I though it would be easier for me to go see him he said of course honey, he seemed to like the idea. So we were going to plan it.; November 5, 2013 at 10:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Con't:

Then a week later POOF!!!! Since I did not hear from him in a week and that was odd to me I sent a text to which he did not respond. So I became fearful ( I know big NO -NO) and in another week sent another text asking if he was ignoring me, no response. I let 4 days go by and told him it was disrespectful to treat someone that way and i would never do that to him. That I didn't deserve that and if he wanted to reach out to me he knows how to find me and then i disappeared. I know I might have over analyzed or over reacted but no matter how busy someone is they can always send a message to the other person just as he always used to do. So why the change?

Here's the thing Mirror I know I should have handled it differently but its been 5 months and I have not heard from him. Guess that means I meant nothing to him and he is NOT thinking of me. It has been a struggle the first 2-3 months but I find that as time goes by I have gotten stronger and my thinking has been clearer and my actions more controlled. That's the power of NC, I no longer feel the urgency to contact him or do anything to get his attention. It's weird but I feel at peace, I refuse to let any man to treat me as a joke but in my gut I felt he was genuine. We do have friends in common and can potentially run into eachother again so why start something up to disappear? I do not feel he will reappear unfortunately and if he does he will be put to TEST!!!!; November 5, 2013 at 11:09 AM
l i z said...: Dear M.O.A.
I am through with beating myself up (for the most part) after reading this and the posting about the Taurus Male. I'm trying to forgive myself for being overly emotional in front of him during a high-stress time in my life, as I know that is what pushed him away.

My Taurus and I started as friends with excellent chemistry. I had been infatuated with him for years (with or without a bf). He lived in another town but was up often. With social media and smart phones we were never apart. He checked in with me like a clingy girl. We grew closer. It was easy-- I never had to lift a finger... but what I haven't included is the time he showed me his through his texting and actions that he liked me and when I tried to kiss him at a party he shut me down (I had become the pursuer) and the strange weekend silences in which he had to "do a lot of thinking to understand what he wanted" which made me feel insane. I stopped contacting him, stopped pursuing him...He came back strong, asked me to move to another state with him (this wasn't explained to be platonic nor was it a promise of commitment. It was simply a plan for the near future. We were both feeling anxious in our living situations and I took it to mean he wanted me in his life) and I couldn't wait, even as friends (which we had started out as anyway... i didn't think the risk outweighed the possibility of a real future of marriage and even kids). I had to clarify his intentions: "Did I invite myself to this move?" --no, he assured me. "I need to know how you feel about me" --you know I like you, it's obvious, he double assured me. But I was done for. He had found a room to rent, and was looking for work. I needed both but he let me know I could stay with him.

Cont'd; November 5, 2013 at 11:16 AM
l i z said...: So with the plan in place, and feelings shared, we started even more texting (he always always initiated, and I never never called him) and late night calls that lasted hours, amazing dates filled with love and all that dreamy stuff the Taurus male knows about-- we fell in love. He called me up one night to tell me. Everything was right. I even told my friend that I must be maturing into the person I want to love because I have attracted such a great person to me.

Soon our moving day arrived, and so did The Perfect Storm. He was dreadfully sick but we needed to leave because I had a job interview in my new state, in five days-- for a four day trip it was cutting it close. I was suffering from PMS (in which my mood is severely affected with depression and anxiety). I cared for him as we went. Sleepless nights in hotel rooms with him coughing and having fever, stressful days of hours driving while pulling a trailer behind my Corolla and two crying cats in the backseat, trying to keep up with him...The trailer actually caused me to refuel even more than I thought, and my money was being used up quicker than I thought. On three hours sleep and 10 hours driving, I picked a fight on our last night on the road. I admitted to being tired and irrational but he wasn't buying it. My panic attack that followed would solidify his thoughts about me being someone he didn't think I was. And really, he was right. It wasn't me. It was me not taking care of me in a stressful situation. We continued along the way to our new state. No kisses, only hugs and hand holding, he was pulling away, without any communication about it, and I was trying to give him space as I looked for jobs the week I stayed with him. I was confused because I didn't understand why he was angry and not consoling or caring.
Cont'd; November 5, 2013 at 11:18 AM
l i z said...: I left for my parents' house, (to attend my sister's bridal shower) 11 hours away, and hugged him goodbye. No kiss from him, and my tears started flowing. I had a feeling that would be the last time I would ever see him.

From my parents' house I started to panic as I had invested a future with a man who, without warning was pulling away, for what seemed to be no reason-- unless it was our fight? I was confused and texted/called... "Im trying to believe you wouldn't have me drive all the way up there again just to break up with me." I asked, after apologizing profusely about my emotional state the past week. He told me that he doesn't want to be considerate of anyone else in this move, this fresh start, and he's fine with that. I replied that it sounded like he wanted to be single, and it would have been nice to know that before I moved two thousand miles to be with him. "I don't know what happened, my feelings are just gone. I can't access them." He said. "I've seen things that are reminding me of past relationships, and why I left (old state)." He said. But we were fine, I said, it's just the stress of the move. Just let me get back up there and we can make it like it was before-- we have a solid friendship, it'll be great. "I don't want it" he said. I didn't know then, about the way men act out to get a reaction, or that silence in this situation may have benefitted me. I was essentially pushing him away. But did it matter? This was major-- I never ever saw this coming.

I was hysterical and shocked and desperate. With no friends around, and no family to talk to (was I really going to be so selfish to try to draw away from my sisters wedding with my business?) I was on the verge. I tried to protect myself:
Cont'd; November 5, 2013 at 11:20 AM
l i z said...: I proceeded to cut off all social media and immediately went no contact. This outraged him and he insisted I was his best friend. I talked to him about my staying at my parents' house, and the historical and current emotional abuse. He seemed to be texting me more often now. His feelings would change, this is just temporary, I insisted to myself.

Meanwhile, an altercation occurred in my toxic, abusive parents' household and being on the verge --I fell off. Idiot hour going into it, it resulted in a panic attack in which I realized I was homeless with about $100, two cats, and two thousand miles from friends who would help me. I had made the mistake of my life moving with him, and was beating myself up minute by minute about how stupid I was. My panic attack made my family call an ambulance to hospitalize me under police guard because I was feeling suicidal with absolutely nowhere to go. I had totally lost myself in what I thought, was love.

He worried. He texted. He called. I explained that I was fine so that he wouldn't worry or think it was a form of manipulation. I started to feel better about him. If we got back together, this would all stand for something and I wouldn't hate myself or resent him anymore. I just knew we were going to be fine.

We chatted daily for about a week and then, out of the blue, no response. Disappeared. Today has been six days of him not responding. It was mid-outing or mid-activity, his last text, telling me about a concert he was at. Totally normal.

I've been through the stages up to the anger stage. After breaking down and asking him in a voice mail if I have a friend in (new state) since I'm stuck and need to leave quickly from this environment, and receiving no answer, I feel good about no contact. I just succeeded at day one.

I'm still blaming myself for not being able to control my emotions. But circumstances were not normal, and I need to let myself have that-- pms, stress, moving, money, relationship insecurities, yes-- I believe he should have had a little more compassion and empathy for me, but he doesn't have to if he disappears. That's not even a friend... And it certainly wasn't the kind of love that sticks around.

Thank you for your writings and insight to these troubling, heartbreaking conditions of human behavior. I can't afford a therapist-- your answers are free, and just as affirming. Thanks for what you do. If I've got it right, I'd love to know. I'm feeling pretty fragile but would take a perspective I haven't considered.; November 5, 2013 at 11:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA and rest of the ladies,

I have read almost all of these comments and wanted to say thank you. I was waiting to see if I could handle my current situation by reading the blogs plus my own decision, however, I felt like I really needed help. Here goes my story:

Characters:

The confused/needy guy
The needy woman
Me

So it all started couple years back, when this confused guy randomly came into my life through social media. We had a very casual conversation. After months of talking through social media, we decided to talk over the phone. After couple of weeks into the conversation, the confused guy tells me that he is starting to have feelings towards me. I was surprised because that seemed really strange to me. I had not even met him at this point. I told him to step back because it's very early stage and we barely know each other. We continued exploring. I started to realize that he wanted to know everything about me and me being stupid for some reason I don't know, I pretty much shared my life. I told him about my past relationships and how it failed. I really thought this confused guy was nice and genuine. However, he would not share much of him. He did at one point tell me about this woman ( needy woman) that he wanted to be with her, however she was in a relationship with other man at that point. So he does not talk to her as much and are just friends. I believed. He would not tell much and when I asked where is she? He told me that she moved to a different state. I beleived again and did not try to dig the grave.

As time passed by, I started to notice something was shady about this guy. He would be nice to me all the time and suddenly when one particular person walked into his place he would be so awkward it is beyond words to explain. Being a woman and going through some relationships, I do sense when things are not right. I kept asking who is that woman and he kept saying neighbour friend. I believed.

One day something told me that this neighbour could be the woman he was refering to all the time. I had him confront and I was RIGHT! Wow! He did create a story to make sure he was working his way up to me. I feel betrayed and ignored him. There was no reason he had to lie to me ( we were not dating/ never met in person). He called me 50 times and said he is sorry. He did not mean to lie to me. He was trying to protect her identity. Blah blah blah. It seemed like he was really sorry and the way he would call me day/night for a chance. I forgived him.

I met him in person one day. Hmm it was quite different than when we were talking through social media. He was nice to me but I realized he is kind of socially awkward person. I felt weird at times. He is not much of a talker. He was very touchy though. Always wanted to hold my hands, hug me. It was sweet but I felt it was invading my space. Overall, it was good experience. I still wasn't sure if he was the right person for me. After all he seemed very very shady and had lied to me.
cond..; November 5, 2013 at 1:42 PM
Anonymous said...: contd from above...

After I met him and went back. I told him to send the picture we took together from his camera. He said ok ok and never did. I felt like he deleted but he never agreed. He used to talk to me always on his drive and that weekend he didn't and agained yelled at me for no reason. I was like, WTF? He was the one who was needy and i just asked the pictures. I told him, you deletedthe pictures right!? He later said, yes because she was checking his phone and he felt awkward so he deleted. WOW. If the needy woman had a bf and they were just friends, what was the need to delete my picture? It does not make sense at all. I know he is emotionally weak human being but still. Funny thing is he wanted to be with her 3 years ago and she said no because 1) she is older than him 2) because she had a bf. I sensed it the very beginning that all she wanted was ATTENTION and this confused man was giving it to her. The needy woman used to tell him, I have a bf but he does not surprise me. My point is then why don't she break up with this poor dude and she and this confused guy can be back together. But No! She seems to be very clever and needy and this guy is so dumb. If they could not make it work in 3 years what now?

This chapter is the most intresting one. As soon as this needy woman knew he was talking to me, she started to get all crazy and jealous. She knew that he was talking to me. However, I felt he wasn't telling her how crazy he is falling for me and making sure I fall for him. Seemed like he was looking to start something with me.

I met him again. Everytime I met him, he always seems to be so needy of me and clingy and touchy. He treated me really nice. I came back and started to have some feelings towards him. I wanted to talk to him then, however, he would shut his phone most of the nights and tell me that the battery died- like I beleieve him. Not sure what happene to me but I told him that I loved him and said how much he hurt me by lying. He came back and said he loves me too so much.

Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out why his phoen dies every night or if he picks up he will talk as if im stranger. Did not make sense. I felt he was with her. I was right! He had to move and needed a place to stay and he lied to me. I ignored him and told him to stay away from my life. He cried and called me saying that he felt awkward to tell me and I should trust him that there is nothing and he is just friends. I did not listen to him. He kept apologizing and said he did not wanted to lose me.

When he moved to Texas. He said he might go to visit her that holiday because he needs some stuff. I was surprised that he still had guts to tell me that. And plus he will be staying at her place that night. I told him, if he is going to stay at her place that night, there will eb nothing between us. He never gave me an answer and I was serious about what I said.

He goes to visit her that day and calls me around midnight to talk to him since he is driving back. I felt that he was standing up for himself than being controlled by the needy woman. It seemed like for the first time he was really making me believe in him.

I call him next morning, no answer. Dead silent. I wasn't sure what had gone so wrong. He text me back: I am okay, but very very sad. I couldn't understand what might have gone so wrong. Turns out to be that Needy woman was so MAD that he didn't stay that night and accused him by saying that he used and misguided her. I mean how? She has a boyfriend and why would she want a guy who is moving on to stay with her anyway. Tells a lot about her. Then he told her that he has feelings towards me and she accused him more and mentally punished him by saying, she thought he was getting closer to her. So much drama. She just couldn't stand that he was getting close to me.; November 5, 2013 at 1:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Of course that dumb confused guy he got emotionally struck and did not sleep for night and cried. I swear I did not know he was so weak. He used me as a reassurance to make her jealous. I told him to he got what he wanted so go with her. He did not want to go with her because he wants me. However, here is funny part. He said he feels bad for misguiding her, he thought he was getting closer to her as a friend. Now she getting old and he will feel guilty if she does not find a guy. Therefore, he cannot be selfish and come with me until she finds a guy in her life. I swear I’ve never heard something so stupid like this before.
I’m not sure what that needy woman is doing to him, but whatever she had/is been doing she has him around his finger. I mean if he likes her they can be together back then and even now. He tends to be honest at some point. I am so confused if he emotionally insecure/unstable human being or what is he?
He says he feels like he is in between and he is lot and he doesn’t want to hurt both of us. He don’t want to lose me..blah blah. He keeps texting me he is unhappy. I know he lied to me and maybe her. But I don’t know why is she punishing him so much and why am I bothered? I am hurt and mad because he is so confused and his explanation does not add up. I hate guys who is emotionally weak and confused. He can’t have everything. I started to grow feelings for him and now it’s like my happiness depends on that woman and that man. NO! I WON’T LET THAT HAPPEN.

The no contact rule, I feel he is using that as well. He waits for me call him and when I do he comes back and talks to me. He got so jealous when I told him I’m doing great and there is a guy who asked me on a date. He told me, I’ll come see you this weekend. I asked wait for what? Didn’t you say until she finds someone he is not going to start anything with anyone. He kept quiet and disappeared again.

What do I do with this guy? I really can’t stand this drama nor what I am going through. What kind of guy is he really? Some guys are player and it’s clear. But this guy is so emotionally weak. Yesterday he called me and we started this conversation. I wanted specific from him. He gives me : I don’t know, I’m lost, I don’t know what I want from life, I’m so unhappy, I can’t sleep.

He said to me that if I am dependent on him than it’s like depending on her too. Because he will feel really guilty if she does not find anyone and she will be in dark. He cannot be enjoying with me while she is sad. He wants her to be a friend and see if we can work out in future.

To me I felt like he is selfish and self-centered and emotionally weak that he cannot make his own mind. He wants everything any everyone. He gets attracted to needy and weak people too. Part of me wants him back part of me wants to get rid of him but teach him a lesson. He isn’t talking to me much now, only if I initiate then he calling again. What can I do at this moment. With people like him does no contact rule works or what else? Please need advice, I am losing my mind.; November 5, 2013 at 2:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Liz,

I read your post on here and hopefully my words even though they are just words will give you some comfort. The hardest thing in the world is feeling lonely, I hope no one ever experiences this feeling ever. But sometimes we all need a little alone time to get ourselves together and to collect our thoughts which are all over the place. Also even though your friends and family are far they are only a phone call or chat session away :) It sucks that your home situation isn't a place of comfort for you to go to. I know my family is far from perfect but I always know that when I sleep at night I have them to back me up no matter what. Hopefully you can mend this relationship in the near future.

If I were you I would write a list of things going in my life in one column and the second column is how this can be resolved (I know I am a typical Capricorn, logic logic logic). For example "Money issues". Write down specifically what money issues you have. (Rent, food, money etc.). Figure out how much you want to spend. Then next on your list "Need job". Figure out what you can do. What is your degree, what career path you can follow. Once you figure that part out then you need to see where you can apply for these kind of jobs. Hopefully your career is something you enjoy, makes getting up in the morning much more fun and easier :) . One of the things on your list should be "take care of me". Sounds cheezy but you need to take care of yourself! I know you can't afford a therapist but if you get your life back together (job, finances, family) the rest will follow! My girlfriend always says time to take stock of your life. Take care of yourself instead of waiting for him to have more compassion or empathy - at the end you are responsible for you. I have a feeling that once you get your life in order and you may have moved on by then, he will come back around! By then you will be the confident, strong, smart and successful woman that you are, you just need time to find that woman. Don't be afraid. You made a decision to move for him and it didn't work out. If you need to, go back to where you came from and start again. What bothered me was that he was at a concert having fun while you are worrying and frustrated! Don't be frustrated about not handling your emotions better. What's happened has happened. Now you know, next time try to deal with your emotions differently - we all have psm, stress, money, insecurities :) it's how we deal with them which sets us apart from other women :)

Btw I once read that Taurus like to be with someone who is stable and careful with their finances :)

Don't worry Liz, in a few weeks I have a feeling you will be back on here posting about how things turned around for you! By the way, what's your sun sign?; November 5, 2013 at 2:41 PM
Mltn said...: @ Liz,

I'm sorry for all you're going through. In my opinion, and I think Mirror would agree, you're only ready for a relationship when you have your life in hand. A healthy relationship is between two stable, settled people who have a solid foundation in themselves for happiness, and are looking for someone else as the "frosting" to an already baked cake.

Much as you may have liked this man, I don't think you're ready for a relationship at this stage in your life. I know there's a tendency to feel like he should have been more concerned for you, more compassionate, but look at it from his point of view. It seems like your life is reeling out of control and that you need a lot. It's intimidating just to read about.

Take care of yourself. Your focus right now should be on yourself and getting things in order. Job, somewhere to live, stability, peace of mind. Only then should you even be thinking about a romantic relationship. Just put that on hold right now and tend to the more important things first, sweetie.; November 5, 2013 at 5:25 PM
l i z said...: Thank you anonymous. Everything you said is right, and is what I'm doing.
I'm Aquarius.; November 5, 2013 at 5:47 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Liz,

Breath... and keep breathing. You sound like a strong woman. Trust that you can get thru this. Trust that there is NOTHING that can completely break you. We may fall down, and we may have to rest, but we eventually get up again.

You can get through this. Keep breathing as if it is fuel for your soul.

Trust your self. You are stronger than you think.

{{HUGS}}; November 5, 2013 at 6:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Part II

The second part of my post on Nov. 5th at 10:55 AM did not go through so I am posting it again.

Why say that you want to see someone and are excited to see them and then 3 weeks later go POOF!! I texted him not thinking of anything and no response from him. Then I began to worry and became insecure ( I know big mistake) so I texted again asking if he was ignoring me and no response. I let 4 days go by and told him it was disrespectful to ignore someone no matter how busy they are. That I did not deserve to be treated that way and if he wanted to reach me he knows how to find me and I disappeared.

Here's the thing Mirror I know I should have handled it differently but I was so caught off guard and I let my emotions get the best of me. It's been 5 months and I haven't heard from him, guess that means I meant nothing to him and he is not thinking of me. In the beginning I did cry but as the months have passed I find myself more balanced emotionally and surprisingly stronger. I refuse to let any man treat me as a joke but why tell someone you want to see them and get excited about them coming to see you and then 3 weeks later change your tune. What is his deal? Now that it was his turn to deliver he backs out and runs away?? I feel like I will never hear from him again but the funny thing is we do have friends in common and can potentially run into each other, and my gut is giving me a funny feeling about this situation. Life goes on for me and I never realized how strong I was but I will NOT sit and wait for any man.; November 6, 2013 at 10:20 AM
Anonymous said...: I have followed your guidelines to the letter and im glad to so say that things have really turned around for me. So I would like to ask, now he is initiating contact more often and showing more keenness...
how do you keep it up? Do you continue to never initiate contact, be less available, be more mysterious, be elusive, cancel the odd date??
Do you essentially live the guidelines from now on and ever more??
Please help me to continue on the right path :); November 7, 2013 at 5:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 5, 1:42 PM,
"I am so confused if he emotionally insecure/unstable human being or what is he?"

What difference does it make dear? He's a liar, he's a cheat and he's unable to make you happy. THAT'S what matters.

"I don’t know why is she punishing him so much"

Probably because he's been lying to both of you. He's most likely been dating her and participating in a relationship with her. So to her, it appears he's a cheat and she feels betrayed by him. Then he turns around and lies to you and tells you they're just friends, when the reality is they're more like a couple.

"his explanation does not add up."

Exactly - BIG RED FLAG. Run.

"What do I do with this guy?"

You're free to do as you please, but if it were me, I'd get as far away from him as I possibly could and I'd never speak to him again dear.

"What kind of guy is he really?"

I think he's already shown you what kind of guy he is via his actions and behavior. He's not to be trusted, he's a manipulator and probably a user. Definitely not boyfriend/relationship material.

"he cannot make his own mind."

He's manipulating things dear. He knows exactly what he intends to do, but if he can manipulate a situation to the point where he can have the best of both worlds, then that's what he'll do. I've met MANY players that use the ole "poor me" technique to play on a woman's emotions, to try to make her feel bad for him. That's emotional manipulation.

"What can I do at this moment."

If it were me, I'd get as far away from him as I could and I'd never look back.

"I am losing my mind."

That's because you're permitting him to be in your life dear, when he's given you many reasons not to be. He's lied, he's dishonest, he's manipulative - this guy is not to be trusted. When you permit people like this to remain in your life, they cause you confusion and emotional pain, because you're getting sucked into his lies and always trying to figure out if they're the truth - when you're gut is telling you that they're not.

Why are you not listening to your gut and removing yourself from this situation? YOU have control over this, not him. YOU have control over your happiness, not him. If he's driving you crazy dear. . . then clearly, he needs to go.; November 7, 2013 at 7:13 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

When you get a chance can you help me out, I posted as Anonymous November 4th at 7pm

Can you please tell me what you think please; November 7, 2013 at 10:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror!

I know you said if a man senses insecurity and self doubt he will pick up on that and stop him from wanting a relationship with that woman. I can't help but feel that played a part with this Capricorn man. As soon as I told him how I felt and was feeling insecure I noticed a change in him. The thing was that in the moment I did not pull back and let my emotions balance instead I pushed forward and he backed off. Even though communication was not the same he always got back to me but he wasn't like he was before. Now that time has passed I can see all that I did wrong and the way I acted, I was afraid. I think the pressure of me feeling insecure, being somewhat demanding and what not just made him go POOF!!!!!! I feel like I will not hear from him again, which is a shame because we did have a connection and like I said before we have friends in common. If by some miracle he does come back, how should I proceed with him?

Thank you so much for your insight Mirror. You really have opened up my eyes to how we should treat men, how not to act and have dignity and self respect for ourselves as women.

--Jennifer; November 7, 2013 at 10:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 7, 10:17 AM,
What's your question dear? There was no question asked in the comment you left.

If you're just seeking an opinion, I think his actions are providing the answer to that question for you:

1) he would tell me that he doesn't want me to get to close
2) 7 months later I find out that he is married, but separated
3) he tells me that he loves me but he has been with his wife
4) just learned that he is not legally separated
5) he still hasn't told her the truth about his 5 year old daughter with another woman

What more is there to say dear? His behavior and actions indicate that he's a liar and he's not to be trusted.; November 7, 2013 at 10:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jennifer,
"If by some miracle he does come back, how should I proceed with him?"

The answer is provided in this article dear, under the sections titled:

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory
What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring
Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

I suggest using the No Contact method before responding however:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And let him make repeated attempts to prove he's genuinely interested first that go unanswered until he issues an apology or invites a "talk" after he receives no response and no contact from you.; November 7, 2013 at 11:04 AM
chk61 said...: It's been over 3 weeks since the email invite from my D.M. You know, the one he sent after we had No Contact for 34 days and no physical contact for almost 90 days. After he found someone else to take my place since I did not respond quickly enough (he emailed me at 3:30PM, I responded the next morning), he said "We'Il have to try for another time". I realized after being briefly ebullient from his unexpected contact, that he was looking to "fill a slot", with a warm female body. He knew I liked him, so he probably thought nothing of it. Often he volunteers at these events so he can attend the event for free, and sometimes he signs up for two, (a way to have a cheap date, ostensibly). Gee, that really made me feel special. :-)

So in the past, I may have replied and said "Ok, sounds good" but this time, circumstances being what they were, I just did not reply to that email over 3 weeks ago. He has not contacted me since.

I know I should feel relief, I should be GLAD he has not contacted me and I should be hoping he'll just stay away because past behavior is usually an indicator of future behavior. I suppose there is a *slim* chance he may miss me and reconsider and apologize, etc but honestly, it seems unlikely and I don't want to hold onto this "hope". I know he's going overseas this month, for a long awaited trip he was excited about, but still...

I'm sick this week and dealing with now longstanding physical challenges from a bad injury so I'm feeling lonely, a bit scared and emotionally fragile. Keeping the faith is a challenge but I gotta do it. I have felt temptation from time to time to send him a "feeler" but I am staying strong, and I'm staying SILENT.

Working on letting go of romantic fantasies and moving on, it's a process. ;-); November 7, 2013 at 11:18 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much Mirror... let's see what happens.

I know I made mistakes with him but do you also think he might be a player? Or maybe just felt pressure and overwhelmed due to MY change in behavior?

--Jennifer; November 7, 2013 at 11:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Emotionally Insecure/Unstable Man

Hello MOA,

Thank you so much for your advice. You are 100% correct that he already showed his true colors and I should be removing myself from this toxic environment he created. I am trying my best to ignore, but it’s been really difficult. I don’t understand why can’t he be with her now? He is saying: He really loved me so much and it hadn’t happened before, however, he cannot be with anyone now. Because he can’t hurt both people. If he is a player, he should be with at least one of us? Why is there a reason he feels pressured and confused?

I asked him direct questions and he said he don’t have any answers and feel hopeless. What I find strange is that the girl had an ongoing relationship with other man. She broke up with him now that’s what she told him ( the confused guy) and now he does not know what to do? But he keeps saying he loves me. I asked him so what he loved me for a moment? He said no, he does but he is scared and don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong?

I need support and help! I am ignoring him but part of me wants a closure. I still have feelings for him and I wonder why? I think she is ignoring him ( no contact rule) and that’s why he is focused on her? I tried no contact too. He then liked my picture on Instagram and talked to me. Last night, I really felt lonely and hurt remembering how much he hurt me and I let that happen. So I texted him: Why would you try so hard to come to me when you were going to hurt me and that I am removing myself from this. He then called me back and said that’s not what it is. He is going crazy and can’t make a decision.

Your comments really helped me and confirm my guts. However, I am still confused why wouldn’t het get back to her? Should I use No-contact rule?; November 7, 2013 at 1:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Sounds like such a confusing triangle. I honestly think this guy LOVES this triangle of love if you call it and is enjoying the drama and attention this is bringing him. I think he feels excited to have both of you in his life and the whole idea of deciding which lady to go out with. This is feeding his fragile ego. I hope I am wrong but sounds like he enjoys the drama. If I were you I would run. Sounds so taxing on you emotionally to have to worry about him AND her! I mean she had a bf for 3 years and when she broke up with that bf your guy saw an opportunity. He has been pining over her for a while because she probably plays games with him and he seems to fall right into those games - unavailable, scarcity etc.; November 7, 2013 at 2:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

I´ve read the latest posts and I´ve noticed one thing: we women aren´t able to believe that the man in question is what he is. We just continue to see more good in him than there really is. Mirror is a great eye-opener though and all the ladies here, especially the younger ones who still have plenty of time to put her advice in practice, are very lucky indeed.

I have special update for you. It concerns the man who I had corresponded with a year ago, he asked me out, I said yes, he disappeared, reappeared, I responded and he disappeared again only to reappear a year later. After reading Mirrror´s advice I definitely didn´t reply. I thought that would be the end of it.

However, what happened? In the meantime I had put another text advert under a different nickname on a free dating site, which Mirror doesn´t recommend by the way and I agree, but as there are not many options I am trying my luck everywhere. And guess who responded? The very same man. At first I deleted his email thinking it was no use resuming correspondence with him, but on second thoughts I retrieved it and decided to do a little experiment.

A year ago, when we were corresponding - no photos - I was sincere with him. I was glad to have found somebody "normal" among all those disrespectful and weird men. I was "light and breezy", fun, but on the whole I did more work than him, although it was only correspondence. He made me feel a little inferior, let me ask him questions, didn´r reply for longer than I, etc. I felt that but I was not sure how to handle it so I continued the correspondence.Now I would definitely pull back. At that time, however, I tried my best.

So this time I´ve decided to try a different approach. I am not lying to him, but I am presenting myself in a different light and my overall tone is different. I am not as open with him as I was a year ago, I am presenting myself as somebody who thinks highly of herself - even too highly, but apparently, he likes it, I am a little superior to him, I let him wait for my responses, I present myself as somebody who is more interested in money than I actually am, I am very confident, he has an impression I don´t care whether he likes me or not, etc., you have the picture. My interests are the same, my intelligence too, I am the same person as last year, only more self-confident, less nice, even a bit disrespectful.

The result of this little experiment shows that he is much more interested in this woman than he was in my real, sincere self last year. He seems to be quite excited about her, no signs of superiority whatsoever, he is courteous, even obsequious, he has complimented her several times in just a few mails while he NEVER complimented my real me in a few-week correspondence last year.

What follows from all of this?
Mirror is right in all her advice including the scarcity theory. It works like a charm. I feel a little pang of pain when I look back at myself last year tolerating this man´s flegmatic mails whilst I put my sincere personality in them. Also, I have come to the conclusion that I don´t care about this man. Last year it was only a correspondence but a long one and I thought I quite liked the man back then. Not anymore. I think he is not as intelligent as he presents himself. I can play him a woman like this anytime, but if he is not able to appreciate my real, nice personality, he has lost my interest completely.

I will end with a thought that we women also often love our perception of the man, not the real him. It wouldn´t be so bad if we weren´t heartbroken and desperate when such "relationships" fail. Let´s be more realistic and at the same our own selves.

I wish you a nice end of the week,
HopefulWithMen; November 7, 2013 at 3:49 PM
Life is short. Smile Often :) said...: Hi Beautiful Mirror! :) I wanted to keep you posted on what has happened since we last spoke. Just to refresh your memory; he asked to get together then I responded "what day are we thinking?". He took 10 days to respond to that text then says "I'm home every day now, I just don't know your crazy schedule". It's been over a week and I have not responded to him. Do you think it would be a good idea to let him know when I am available to see him? or do I not respond and wait for a second invitation?

You been so wonderful and so helpful I appreciate you very much!! I read your article and comments on a daily basis and it's help me to become stronger than I have ever been so thank you again :) I totally get where you are coming from and how your mind works as it's quite intriguing. I wish to spread your knowledge and everything I have learned here to my friends because boy if you knew half of what they did it's literally the total opposite of everything you've said in all of your articles which is why I would NEVER listen to their advice, EVER. They're just getting walked all over and used by every man they have ever met! I guess some people learn the hard way in life...

God Bless <3; November 7, 2013 at 3:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Now you see dear, and your eyes are wide open, LOL ;-)

I'm glad you did that and for those who wish to challenge my thoughts on the matter and/or find the information shared here on this site a bit hard to swallow. . .conduct an experiment like this yourself. And breeze through the thousands of comments here, many sharing stories of reappearances after putting some of these techniques into place. While they may seem counter-intuitive, we need to just accept that human behavior is quite an odd thing, LOL.

The simple fact of the matter is that there is value in these techniques and even though it might not bring the man back to your door on bended knee. . .it will release you from the anguish of feeling as if you're always on the losing end of dating and without any control over the matter.

It amounts to a simple shift in perception ladies - YOURS.

It really has nothing to do with the man so much as it has to do with you. And I'm by no means saying there's something wrong with you, that's not the case. The case in hand is that YOU have more INFLUENCE over how others perceive you - than you think you do. You tend to think that you're doing something WRONG, when the reality is. . .your doing too MANY things, period. Trying too hard, being too nice, putting yourself and your wishes aside to please others, etc. All these things are self-defeating.

As odd as this may sound, many times. . .you're much better off being your authentic and true self. And your authentic and true self is. . .well, sometimes it's raw. Meaning, it's not filtered. But due to fear of not being accepted, not being loved, not being embraced warmly or welcomed into a man's life. . .you're actually FILTERING YOUR TRUE SELF and you're TRYING HARDER than you normally would. And everything just blows up in a big mess the harder you try, the more you filter your true self (the nicer you try to be).

But when you don't worry, you don't try so hard, you drop the ball once in a while (miss a call, don't respond to a text right away). . .when you're NOT PERFECT LADIES. . .then you're REAL. You're a human being and there's something about that that's very enticing to others ;-)

And HopefulWithMen, you pat yourself on the back girl. The vast difference from when you first arrived here is major. And I imagine those around you see you've blossomed. You've done the hard work and you're now experiencing the insights firsthand yourself. You're now seeing the value and as a result, you can now relax and be your real self when dealing with men. . .and as you can see. . .they respond quite positively to it, LOL ;-); November 7, 2013 at 4:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Life is short. Smile Often,
"Do you think it would be a good idea to let him know when I am available to see him?"

The choice is yours dear, but I don't have a good feeling about this, about the way he's going about this. The fact that he's taking ten days to respond is a joke - he's playing a little game here, a battle of "wills" in a sense I believe. If I remember correctly, this man has not issued an apology yet? And if he hasn't, it shows as his treatment of you is still quite disrespectful. Ten days to respond to a date request is just plain ignorant. And it certainly doesn't signal that he's taking this seriously or that it's a priority.

Additionally, I sense some resentment here, which kinda signals this is a game as well. . ."I just don't know your crazy schedule." He takes ten days to respond but YOU'RE the one with a crazy schedule? Yea, okay. To me, that reads as a bit of emotional manipulation. Meaning, you're supposed to now feel bad - this is all YOUR fault because YOU are the one with a "crazy" schedule. . .even though he's the one that asks for a date and takes ten days to get back to you on it.

This isn't going well dear and it isn't going to, I hate to say :-(

And my fear is. . .let me explain, I've seen guys do this. Sometimes, these guys take a blow to their ego (you rejecting them) and then they circle back for nefarious purposes of having the "last laugh." I've seen guys act like this, try to lay a guilt trip on the woman, play it cool, ask for a date, take days to respond, get the date - then either:

1) Show up and act like a total jackass towards you with a bad attitude like a little kid.
2) Stand you up.

I've seen this a million times. I even experienced it once myself. A guy circled round again and asked me to dinner. Okay fine. We go and he's talking about this trip to ride quads. We were supposed to go on this trip once before a year previous and it fell through because I broke up with him. Fast forward to the following year, here I am sitting with this man in a restaurant and he's telling me he's going on the trip again that year. I'm happy for him, blah, blah, blah, and the next thing that flies out of his mouth was:

"You can come if you want. But you'll have to get your own place."

Meaning, I can stay by myself and tag along with the group if I want, LOL. I understood it though. I was a backhanded slap to the face, a veiled insult, and a sure sign that he had NOT gotten over what happened a year previous between us. Needless to say, I passed on the trip, LOL.

So just a word of caution dear. . .your situation is reminding me of that one I've had myself and his tone is similar to that man's. I sense frustration and a bit of resentment in his tone and he's playing games by dragging out a date request over the course of 30 days, LOL. Not a good sign dear. If it were me, I'd wash my hands clean of this one and I'd move on. If you don't, he's probably going to waste an awful lot of your time here stringing you along, creating some big build-up. . . just so he can drop you on your ass :-(

I wouldn't give him the opportunity to do that and at this point - he'd get no response from me period if it were me. No time for less than serious men - only those that are genuinely interested and willing to prove it :-); November 7, 2013 at 4:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
I should clarify this:

"you can now relax and be your real self when dealing with men"

I know that part of your real self is nice, you want to be nice, we all do. But is that REALLY are true selves? Meaning, are any of us REALLY that nice, all the time? If you honestly approach that and look close, the answer is, no - we're not. We have good days, we have bad days. But when women date, then tend to TRY HARD to be nice ALL the time, which then results in them not really being their true selves.

For example, we all want to be nice as women. But if you're having a bad day, and then this great guy texts you, and you don't have time to respond or you're not in the mood to talk, what do you tend to do?

You tend to put yourself out for him. You tend to respond when you really don't have time or when you really don't want to talk - and you fake it. You fake being nice and friendly when you really feel like ignoring the situation for a while.

And what happens next? You say something wrong or inappropriate during the conversation and then you second guess yourself. Why? Because you felt you weren't "nice enough." So what do you do? You try harder and now, you begin to overcompensate for your earlier behavior of not being "nice enough" - by being so nice that it's a bit sickening, LOL. "I'm sorry about that comment, it didn't come out right." And then you start trying to explain your feelings behind it and then you offer to make dinner, or you ask the guy over, or you do his laundry the next time you're at his place or you call him right back after this conversation and you spend the next hour explaining why. . . .for one damn moment of your life. . . .you weren't PERFECT.

And what is the end result?

The guy thinks you're a nut case, LOL, a loose cannon that's all over the place - and he pulls back. You're then validated by this in a sense and you say, "SEE! I knew it, I knew I shouldn't have said that." And in your mind, you are now convinced that what you originally did is the issue, the reason he's pulled away. But the reality is that it's not what you originally said or didn't say that caused this - it's all of the stuff that came afterward, you trying too hard to be perfect and please everyone, that did it.

In the end, you eventually come to realize. . .if I just wasn't so nice, if I'd just not worried about being so nice to him and texting him back when I didn't want to talk or didn't have time. . .none of this would've even happened, LOL.

If I'd just been less than perfect and was my true self - my true self at that very moment that was too tired to talk or didn't have time to respond - I'd have ignored that communication until I had time or was ready to talk - and none of this would've even happened.

LOL - sound familiar gals??

That's what I mean when I refer to your "true self" - the one that's not perfect, and is only human :-); November 7, 2013 at 5:04 PM
Mltn said...: @ Anonymous November 7, 2013 at 1:32 PM

If I may respond to one of your questions, you ask "He is saying: He really loved me so much and it hadn’t happened before, however, he cannot be with anyone now. Because he can’t hurt both people. If he is a player, he should be with at least one of us? Why is there a reason he feels pressured and confused?"

Sweetie, if he's a player, why should he be with either of you? The definition of player is someone who seeks out casual, sex-based encounters with as many women as possible. There's no reason for him to commit to anything serious with either of you - he might well have other women on the line, or the hope of developing situations with other women.

He is saying that he's not interested in a serious relationship with any woman right now, not his "ex" (or whatever she may be) and not with you. Really, that's your bottom line. It doesn't matter what he's doing, if he's alone or lonely or hitting up the bars and other women every night.

Honestly, him saying that he's "scared" is a big red flag for me. That's not something men naturally say, that's something they think women believe when men are not committing or are stringing them along. That is, he might think that "scared" is a positive spin that you might put on the situation.

I'm not saying that he doesn't have feelings for you. But there's a spectrum of "feelings," and more significantly, there's "feelings" that are backed by commitment and purpose and "feelings" that are free-form and going nowhere.

It's possible to care for someone, even love someone, and still not be relationship material or able to engage equally. Even giving your DM the benefit of the doubt and assuming he's not a player, he has said he is in no position to give you what you want and need here. Even if he's not a liar and bad actor, his life is pretty out of control right now.

I know it's hard, but it gets easier with no contact. Mirror talks in the "no contact" article on here about a thought process that goes on in a man's head when you cut him off. Well, the same happens for you. As weeks go by, you start just having revelations about things, really putting them into perspective. One of those, for me, is how being loved should make you feel, it's about how you really define "love" and why you should accept the use of that word to describe things like the situation that you had with this man (married, cheating, ambivalent). At some point, you really do take a cold, hard look at this and free yourself to feel anger, disillusionment, even embarrassment at what you accepted. The no contact process helps you work through things, too, even when you're not trying to. You really do wake up one day with a different perspective on it.; November 7, 2013 at 5:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror I am amazed at how these guys come back even a year later!!! I wrote you on the post for dealing with Taurus men but not sure you are checking it :)

Here is my situation. Met a guy (Taurus), we started chatting online. I liked him thought he was interesting could be a friend even though he is hot but for some reason he didn't want to be in the friend zone and quickly told me nope that is not what he is interested in. He was very open with his interest level and feelings which was cool and all. Anyways he began to disappear online and in the beginning when I was the one in power, I didn't think anything of it. This is when he was sending good morning beautiful texts, list of why I am amazing etc. I made the mistake of falling for that and yes began initiating. Hmm...interesting enough this guy would always respond. Sometimes slow but he is a super busy guy. I began to stop whatever I am doing if he messaged me or if I was in a conversation with him. I think you can see where this is going. I didn't follow the NC rule whenever he would disappear on me in middle of conversations and then come back saying oh sorry had to run my manager called me. Long story short I became the one pursuing YIKES! It went from him writing me "what's up pretty girl" to me waiting anxiously in front of my computer or checking my phone messenger to see if he got online. I cringe when I think about my behavior. Long story short, after reading your blog here I am now following the NC rule. Last contact was probably 3 weeks ago where he made a comment and I sent a joke back then POOF he goes offline. A day before reading your blog I sent an email commenting on something about his work not an email saying where are you. That was it and I will not send him any further contact. Do you think I can regain back our power after what I did? Do you think we women can take back our power or get back into the position of being hunted than being the hunter? So I am going to assume like he will reappear again like he always does and this time I have to be super strong to not send the same message "where have you been babe missed you"...after reading this blog I will definitely not. Makes me sad that we woman do this. I am a hot, smart, funny woman that doesn't need to chase after any man, I can have a date everyday of the week if I wanted so why suffer and wait by my computer because of some idiot disappearing on me :)))

Mirror you are so right the second we women pursue is when the shift happens and men begin to disappear on us. I think we get excited about meeting someone and our emotions take over.; November 7, 2013 at 6:06 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Hopeful,
Your last post is great - thank you for sharing it. I am looking forward to reading more if you continue to correspond with the guy.

@Ms. Mirror,
Your message about not being our true selves and trying too hard to be nice is perfect. I know I've been in that nicey-nicey boat. Hell, I've been the freaken' Captain! ;-)

When I originally found your site, I had explained how a therapist had once told me I needed to take the same skills I use to be successful at work and apply them to when I am dealing with men. I didn't get it. I didn't like it. I didn't want to be all "business" with my heart -- business is pretty black and white for me. Love is full of color!

But your post above now makes sense to what my therapist said and you tried to reinforce. At work, I am NOT nicey-nicey. I am always respectful, treating everyone with dignity and respect, even when they are not working as required. But the difference between them and (my old way with men) is, I call these employees on their actions. I have expectations for everyone at work. If someone in my dept is not doing their job as they should, and I know they know what they are supposed to do, yet they choose not to, I don't ignore it. I don't get nicey-nicey with them. I address it. And I am my true self.

I've been in my current position now for a few years, and the staff in 2 depts I manage was already in place. Those that are good workers have told me they appreciate my management style (and have worked with others throughout my career who have told me they'd come and work with me again if they could.). I've had several issues with employees who do not like my addressing their poor performance -- they've had a career full of others ignoring their poor performance. I will not -- it is too detrimental to our people in the field as well as the company as a whole. Guess what happened with some of the poor performers? A couple challenged me. In response I invited their challenge and shared my records of their actions/performance (it's a beautiful site to see their expression) and you know what happens? Four have left on their own accord -- they found other jobs and I was able to promote good workers to a great opportunity in our organization. (And I'm still working on addressing three employee's poor performance -- when I came back from my summer gig in other dept, these three were having a hay-day. No more. I am holding them accountable for their performance and make no apologies for it. I am NOT nicey-nicey. I have a job to do, and am doing it.)

I thought I was successful at work, with friends, with my kids, etc., because I was "engaging." Engaging is an action, it is a behavior when being our true selves. I think I finally "get" the suggestion to take care of myself in relationships just as I take care of things at work: Being my true self.; November 7, 2013 at 7:35 PM
Anonymous said...: @HopefulWithMen & Mirror,

I couldn't help but laugh because I too had an ex reappear, he never disappeared per say but we had a bad breakup. We dated for 2 months but he was a serial cheater and discovered he was engaged. My point is that its been years since we broke up but this man tracked me down and contacted me at work. At work ladies, like Mirror said when a man wants you he will seek you out. He will move mountains to get to you. Well I decided to test out Mirror's advice first hand and respond to him. He did apologize to me first for his behavior years ago, I accepted it but in reality I no longer needed his apology I forgave him long ago. Well we began emailing and I held that band way back. Responding friendly but somewhat aloof and distant. Well ladies he became very intrigued and contacted me everyday, I would get back to him when I felt like it. Plus my gut was telling me not to trust him. I wasn't afraid to be snarky with him, never giving him much thought and you know what he kept coming back. He would keep saying I was a mean woman because he couldn't get me to be weak with him and manipulate me. He would say you mean lady and I would say yes but you keep contacting me therefore you like it and he agreed that he did.; November 7, 2013 at 8:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Part II

At that moment I knew realized what Mirror has been saying all along that men like it when woman are a bit bitchy towards them. They like when a woman can push back, stand her ground and be strong. Now I have no intention of continuing anything with this man because he is still a player and revealed to me that he is married. So I would have to be a crazy or desperate woman to let this man in my life. So ladies take all the advice given to you and don't be afraid to apply it. Free your inner B.I.T.C.H :)

--Jennifer; November 7, 2013 at 9:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 7, 6:06 PM,
"Do you think I can regain back our power after what I did? Do you think we women can take back our power or get back into the position of being hunted than being the hunter?"

Moving forward, yes I do believe that's possible. But with the same man. . .only sometimes. I hate to be the bearer of bad news here but there's an old saying, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression." And that's a very true statement.

The best way to attempt to do this is through no contact:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

While it might not bring the man back, it will help YOU tremendously and it will prepare you for the NEXT man you meet :-); November 8, 2013 at 7:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jennifer and the Ladies,
Remember gals, B-I-T-C-H = Babe In Total Control [of] Herself ;-)

I'm happy to see that HopefulWithMen's last post resonated with many of you as did my concept of being your "true self."

Think of it like this girls. . .when you meet a man and he's trying real hard, too hard. What happens? You become a bit suspicious of him. You start to think, "What's up with this?" And you start to think, "Is he like this with all the girls?"

Well the same thing happens with men. Many if not all of the the women they meet, are trying real hard - to be super nice. Laughing at jokes that aren't really funny. Putting themselves out for the man. Making themselves constantly and overly available, etc. And before you know it, the man's saying to himself, "She's just like the rest. All nicey nice and too willing."

And then you end up looking fake to the guy and because you're making things so damn easy on him, he takes advantage of that and of you. He figures, "Hey why not? She's making this really easy on me and she's just like the rest. I'll take her for a spin if that's what she wants." And before you know it, you're "that" girl. A cookie-cutter impression of hundreds of thousands of other girls out there.

When you're goal is to be DIFFERENT. To be UNIQUE and unlike the rest. It's the exact opposite of what you really need to be doing.

And as Gemini50 has explained, women who are successful in their careers that find themselves scratching their heads about relationship failures - ask yourself why? What are you doing different at work as opposed to dealing with men?

The difference is - at work - you do what you have to do. You do YOUR JOB. You make no apologies and you do the hard work. You say no when need be and you properly manage your responsibilities.

Yet, when it comes to relationships, you let all of that fly out the window. You do NOT do what you have to do to DO YOUR JOB and to properly manage YOURSELF. Instead, you make apologies, you say yes too much even against your better judgment and instead of making the man do the hard work - you bend over backwards making things EASY for him.

So look at it like this ladies. YOUR JOB is to take care of yourself. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to do this. It is YOUR responsibility to properly manage yourself and to make others DO THE HARD WORK that is necessary to achieve success and accomplish a goal.

View, manage and expect the same performance when dating from a man - as you would from your employees and fellow co-workers. Once you do that, once you become your "true self" when dating, you will see that others naturally develop RESPECT for you. They come to VALUE your opinion. And they aim to PLEASE YOU and earn YOUR RESPECT in return - by doing the HARD WORK necessary to achieve that goal ;-); November 8, 2013 at 7:36 AM
Anonymous said...: "Do you think I can regain back our power after what I did? Do you think we women can take back our power or get back into the position of being hunted than being the hunter?"

Thanks Mirror. I have already started the NC rule and it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Well this Taurus chased me hard in the beginning so I must have made somewhat of an impression on him and he still is very sweet WHEN he is around. We haven't hooked up, slept together or anything we are just getting to know each other. Hopefully practicing your NC and scarcity rules will help me go back to the girl he was crazy about (fingers crossed). If not, oh well lesson learned.

What's funny is sometimes I think this guy must reads your posts LOL jk. His exact words were "I like you, you are tough, different, not easy". Best part was I was being my true self which is exactly what I am going to go back to - my true self, not the mushy cutesy girl trying to be nice "miss you, where have you been". The funny, sarcastic and direct self. He's used to girls fawning over him, something I didn't do and still don't do as much but yes when he does make return appearances I get excited which is a no no.; November 8, 2013 at 8:14 AM
Anonymous said...: Sparkle Taurus

@ Mirror,
Just a quick question, if a guy tells you that he is working things out with someone else and that things are going great, but then ask me if everything is ok with the new guy, when I tell him everything is great, why get mad at me if I tell you we can't hangout anymore, it just makes no sense to hangout with the ex right ?

Like today my ex asked me to hangout with him, but I told him no, I'm good, hangout with your girl, he catches a fit and says, why you gotta be like that, or why you gotta go there, and I'm like are you serious, this man wants to spend time with me and not his girl, I don't get it, if everything is good in your relationship, dude calls me everyday, first thing that comes out his mouth, "so how is the new guy ",
Or what are you doing or he wants to take me to dinner.

I don't know how to decode this guy, I don't know what I should do, does. This guy want me back, or is he scared to be responsible?; November 8, 2013 at 2:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sparkle Taurus,
"I don't know how to decode this guy"

It doesn't matter dear. He's not your boyfriend so there's no need for you to decode him or spend energy attempting to figure him out. He's not your problem.

"I don't know what I should do"

You don't need to do anything. But it sounds to me like you should get as far away from him as you can. Put some serious space between you and do not respond to his texts and communications, it's a waste of time.

"Does this guy want me back, or is he scared to be responsible?"

Sounds like neither regretfully. Sounds to me like he's a big time player. Players don't like commitments, yet they like to lead women on thinking that they're open to them, when the reality is they're not. Players like to date and sleep with multiple women and keep their options open so that they can experience sexual "variety." He probably enjoys sleeping with the woman he's trying to work things out with, and he probably wants to sleep with you as well and he's probably sleeping with other women that he's stringing along too whenever he feels like it.

"why get mad at me if I tell you we can't hangout anymore"

Because he wants to keep a connection with you so that you're a sexual "option" for him. When you refuse to keep the connection - he looses a sexual opportunity.

"it just makes no sense to hangout with the ex right?"

Not for someone who's looking to be in a committed relationship. But if you're a player, it makes perfect sense. It's someone you already have a history with, so that makes obtaining sex from them whenever you want it much easier.

"this man wants to spend time with me and not his girl, I don't get it"

He probably only wants to spend a night with you here and there to receive sex. And then he probably goes and spends a night here and there with his girl to receive sex, and then he probably has other women he's stringing along as well that he has sex with occasionally when he feels like it or has the time.

Players like multiple sexual partners dear. They like sexual variety with many women. So what they do is they get several women "on the line" (stringing them along) and then they rotate them. This weekend it's you, on Tuesday it's his girl, on Thursday it's another girl, next weekend it's another one - and then he starts fresh all over again. It's a players "rotation" of women. Each woman gets some attention sporadically for a while until he disappears to go spend time with the next. . .and so on and so on and so on.

He's trouble. Do not respond to his calls and texts and you won't have to have any arguments with him or explain yourself to him or have petty arguments, etc. If you remove him from your life, you don't have to worry about decoding him :-); November 8, 2013 at 7:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Sparkle Taurus

@ Mirror
Thank you so much, I'm going to start ignoring him, I try'd everything, the man just won't give up, but I will do my best to avoid him no matter what, but the more I try the more he keeps coming around where I be, so I try'd to go to other places, so I told him to lose my number, call your girl, we have nothing more to talk about,

Next thing you know I get my phone blowing up like a Christmas tree, omg, this libra is no willing to let go, it's been 3 months

Wish me luck; November 8, 2013 at 8:03 PM
chk61 said...: It's funny, not being male or a "player"...I spend a fair amount of time trying to understand how "players" feel when they wake up in the morning? How do they feel on a daily basis as they plow through women? Do they have any conscience? Is a divorced guy with children who is ostensibly a "player" in his late 40's actually a sociopath? Someone who doesn't wonder or care about how his actions might hurt another person? It's just unfathomable to me how men like this get through life but sadly, I realize they exist in huge numbers.

I may have been with one yet I scratch my head daily. He has children, one a girl, 12 years old. Does not having a young daughter 50% of the time affect him and his behavior? Do men like this have a "heart"? Do they feel loneliness? Do they need caring intimacy at all?

I feel my D.M. has a heart underneath his "player" bravado. His ego was so damaged by his divorce and other rejections that he is now in "player" phase but I think he does indeed have a soft, mushy side underneath his fear. I saw glimpses of it. It makes me sad but I know I can' t do anything about it. I stay silent. Sigh.; November 8, 2013 at 8:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"How do they feel on a daily basis as they plow through women? Do they have any conscience?"

That depends dear, because there are a variety of different motivations for living a lifestyle like this. Some are, as you suspect, sociopaths. Folks without conscience or empathy and sympathy for others. They can never be cured as that's a clinical personality disorder.

Others are escapists, "running" from problems and using sex as a coping mechanism. Others are "curious" and experimenting at the cost of those they're using to satisfy this curiosity. Others are insecure and using the sexual "wins" as validation of their manhood. Some are simply egotistical and feeding superficial egotistical needs with short term satisfaction. Some are simply selfish. And some are misogynistic (secretly hate women). There are many different motivations for this behavior.

"Does not having a young daughter 50% of the time affect him and his behavior?"

Not if you're sociopathic, or selfish or narcissistic or egotistical or simply "unaware." He may never become aware of how painful that treatment is. . .until he sees a guy treat his daughter that way. She's too young to have experienced any of that. . .yet.

"Do men like this have a "heart"? Do they feel loneliness? Do they need caring intimacy at all?"

That depends on their motivation. Sociopaths generally don't have heavy emotional needs and the needs they do have are met via their behavior of acting upon others. Same with narcissists. Insecure guys actually do have those needs, yet don't know how to properly go about fulfilling them. It all really depends on the individual and the motivation that drives their behavior.; November 8, 2013 at 8:27 PM
JD said...: Dear MOA and Ladies,

(deep breath) it's been almost 2 months. I'm doing WAY better and trust it doesn't hurt as much anymore. But I do feel some feelings of rejection once in a while. Like WOW, I feel so dissed. But try to remember I deserve to be treated better and the best thing is to continue to work on me. Sometimes I do feel embarrassed at myself though. Like why did I keep sending him texts? Even though it was not everyday, but like once a week or once every two weeks...now I'm feeling dumb, but just SOMETIMES. Because I'm like how are you just goign to leave someone hanging? If a man says he respects you, then surely he wouldn't leave you hanging like that. (like not responding for 6 weeks) If he says he doesn't play with people's feelings and does that...then maybe he is making excuses for himself? That post about that man in his 40s with a daughter, somewhat similar to the DM I dealt with. Do they remember if you "blew" up their phone with texts and calls? I'm not waiting for a big foot sighting, but it would be nice to get an apology then reject his arse! :-) Just being real LOL; November 9, 2013 at 5:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Aries Woman/Aries Guy (1/4)
Recently, a male Aries 27 year-old personal trainer at my gym approached me. I live in his city every other week and was new to his fitness class. I'm a 42 year-old female Aries, very fit, and look like I'm around 35. His initial text message to me was an inquiry to find out why I was single. When I did not respond, he sent me a text apologizing in case he was out of line. I said no, that I was flattered --just busy. I told him that I was unavailable for a relationship due to being involved with an older man in my "other" life, but that I had freedom in my relationship to explore other interests, and Mr. Trainer had my sexual attention. This immediately initiated a week's worth of very flirty, sexual mutual texting. We made a sex date. He was a very attentive text-er during the week before it. He would, however, occasionally not respond to my texts. Finally he would, complaining that he didn't want to wait to see me. It was like he was pouting or something. The night before our "date" he sent me a text saying sorry, he had to cancel. "Okay. Lose interest?" I said. He wrote: "Just kidding! I can't wait." Strange to me that he would even bother with the above. Maybe he was testing me? The night we had sex was strange. We met at a hotel b/c I didn't want this guy in my home without knowing him better. The hotel setting made things awkward; also, that there was so much build-up. Sex was not nearly as yummy as the flirting. We did have a notable conversation afterwards--both of us shared some very personal family information; we also discovered similarities in that we are both comfortable in our own company and don't need someone else to make us happy. He left without saying anything about a next-time. I was satisfied just to have gotten my hands on him. Next day I got a text from him saying, "Hope you're in class tomorrow." I was planning to go anyway, b/c I wanted my workout. MAJOR eye-contact between both of us in class. He came over to me and said "You look good." I said "So do you." Throughout the rest of class we continued to eye and flirt with one another. Later that day I sent him a text, "Thanks for class this morning." Never ever heard back.
(continued...); November 10, 2013 at 9:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Aries Woman/Aries Guy (2/4)
Three weeks passed and I did not attend his classes, nor did I workout at the gym when I knew he'd be there. Basically, I disappeared. I resigned myself to the fact that the whole thing was a done deal. Truly, he was on my mind and I really wanted to get my hands on him again, but I kept living my busy life. Six days ago I went to the gym for a workout. It's a big gym, so the chances of us actually walking right past one another are low. As fate would have it, he was training a client exactly around the corner from where I was walking. He took one look at me and said, "Hi! Long time no see. Where have you been?" He then gave me a hug. Pretty poker-faced I said, "Oh, busy working." Then he started telling me to come to class. I remained uncommitted. During the next 90 minutes I was aware that his attention was on me. I moved on to a different part of the gym where he happened to be training someone minutes after I got there. "So you're coming to class this Saturday?" he asked. "No," I responded, "Maybe a week from Sat." He seemed disappointed. We made more eye contact. I kept to myself but I could tell he was very distracted by my presence. Next day I decided to go fishing. Sent him a text acknowledging that our sexual rendezvous was less-than. That I didn't want there to be any residual weirdness. I didn't feel any yesterday at the gym, but just want to be sure. I sincerely wished that he was well, and said it was nice to see him. Within 5 minutes I received a text back. He said no, no weirdness. That he felt the opposite of that when he saw me. And he was actually wondering why he hadn't heard from me. (HUH??) I said I figured the ball was in his court; that maybe it was in both our courts; or maybe mine. Who knows? But in all honestly, he'd been on my mind. He responded, "Same here." Then I asked, "What to do? Maybe we don't do anything. Maybe we have a 'do-over' but this time at my house and not a hotel. Maybe we just see what happens." He texted back immediately, "YOUR HOUSE." Then he texted, "When?"
(continued...); November 10, 2013 at 9:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Aries Woman/Aries Guy (3/4)
And here is where everything got all whack-a-do. I suggested the weekend. Asked if his schedule was still the same. He said yes. Then I said I'd text him back a little later b/c I was driving. I did, and said Sunday was best. This was about 5:30 p.m. By 10:00 that night I had zero response from him. Given the first time when he'd fall of the texting earth because he didn't want to wait, I sent him a text saying, "How about tomorrow?" He responded by saying, "That could work better." Then I said, "Come over after work." I texted him directions to my house (which is in a gated community---I did NOT give him the gate code). No response. Around 1:00 in the afternoon the next day, I texted, "Tonight? No? Yes?" He texted back, "I'm trying to get off work early." I asked him to give me some notice, b/c I was not in town and was driving down. Still hadn't heard anything by 4:30. Sent him a txt to please tell me soon if we weren't meeting at all (to insert a frown face if not) because I was staying put if we weren't. About 25 minutes later he sent me a frown face. I responded by saying, "Not happening, then?" An hour later he said, "Not tonight."
(continued...); November 10, 2013 at 9:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Aries Woman/Aries Guy (4/4)
Okay boys and girls. I should have left it at that. But being that I am older, direct, and an Aries myself, I sent the following: "Thx for letting me know before I made the drive. I'm going to cut to the chase. Just to be clear. I want to f**k you. Again. In my house/bed." Then I listed four things I wanted to do to him/have him to do me. I ended with, "That's where I stand. No guessing now." No response. Nothing. He's gone again. It's been four days since that last text. What do you make of this? Am I correctly sensing a cat and mouse game here? What do I do now? Seems like I had him hooked again, then he vanished. How did he go from "YOUR HOUSE" to gone? Did he get everything that he really wanted from my last text, which was confirmation that I did, indeed, want him? And now he's lost interest? What does this guy really want? He is extremely hot and cold. I am not planning to send a follow-up text, but it's inevitable that we will cross paths at the gym again. Truthfully, I don't want a relationship with this Aries guy--just a boy toy. So do I drop it? Or do I assume there's a chance to hook him again and play it differently next time? I sincerely appreciate your advice. This is by far the best Internet site on this subject. Thank You!!; November 10, 2013 at 9:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Aries Woman/Aries Guy,
Well, men like a challenge dear. It's really that simple. Even if they insinuate that they like things easy, while many do (players), the reality is that even they too lose interest once something becomes overly available. Once they receive the assurance that it's there, sitting, willing and waiting, the sense of "urgency" from the initial challenge is gone. And they are then freed up to have a "take it or leave it" attitude about it, knowing full well that they can have it whenever they want it. And it seems like once that knowledge sets in, they tend to not want it anymore.

Additionally, when something starts off right off the bat as a "hookup," it's a given that the encounter is going to be brief. Meaning, a fling or an affair - both of which are only ever brief in nature, resulting in one, two or three max encounters at best. Then that's it, it's over. So when something starts off like that, you can't expect it to last - even beyond one encounter. And those of some of the dynamics at play here.

Add to that the pursuit by you, coming on strong and "putting it out there" so-to-speak by cutting to the chase. While you might think this is what men want, and while many of them even think that's what they want, the simple reality is that when a woman pursues a man and removes the challenge, the "fun" in it for him (because chasing and pursuing is "fun" for men, they get a thrill from it and it boosts their ego when they actually "catch" the object of their desire), the man almost always, and I mean always, pulls back away from that. Which is why when men invite a woman to call them, run them down, chase them etc., I strongly advise against it. These men think this is what they want, but when you give it to them, you quickly realize they lose interest. You realize that these men don't even know what they want, LOL, and they invited you to do something that they themselves didn't even realize was going to cause a loss of interest on their part. Which is why you ignore these requests from men.

Whether you're seeking a relationship or simply sexual encounters, the reality is that chasing a man and making yourself overly available to him, for whatever psychological reason, only ever ends up backfiring and causing the man to pull away.

The initial draw here was that you were older and that because of that, you posed a challenge to him. Once that challenge element was removed from the equation, he lost interest it seems. And it also appears to me that he does this regularly and probably has a very long list of women available to him for encounters like this. So it's a given that you won't be the only one demanding his time and offering a sexual encounter to him. He sounds to me like a man that chases the "high" in these situations. He thrives off of the excitement of the initial chase and conquer. And once he's chased and conquered, he probably moves onto the next challenge, being a typical Aries, LOL.

"For Zeus wept when there were no worlds left to conquer."; November 11, 2013 at 9:01 AM
Anonymous said...: @MOA, From Aries Woman/Aries Guy

Thank you sincerely for the words of wisdom. I realize that my last text was NOT the way I should have played my cards had I wanted to keep him hooked. I assumed it was a one-time thing anyway until I had his attention at the gym last week. Suddenly, I found myself with the opportunity to have a second hookup with him. I am kicking myself, really, for not playing the game more strategically second time around and ultimately, getting what I wanted. Looking back, when he asked "When" he should come to my house, I should have bounced the ball back in his court and said "you tell me."

As you stated, Mr. Trainer is all about the challenge and the chase. There's no fun there or point to that for me, because I am interested in the catch. I agree, that he probably has a list of other women for sexual encounters; also, that he doesn't even really know what he wants or that an RSVP to his invitation causes loss of interest for him.

Question: with the inevitability of seeing him at the gym again (he works 60 hours/week there), and I am there almost every day when I am in town, how do I behave at this juncture? I don't plan on attending his fitness classes at all. I will not be approaching in any manner. However, sometimes we are in the same room training or, as in the last case, we walk right past each other. I cannot avoid him completely. So, do I just pretend that he's another random person in the gym and not "see" him; not say anything; just keep walking past and/or doing my workout? I don't want to give off the air of being pissed. Because I'm not, frankly. I just want to be confident (which I always am at the gym, anyway) and totally indifferent. What's the best way to achieve the latter without it being obvious?

Again, thank you.; November 11, 2013 at 3:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Aries Woman/Aries Guy,
"how do I behave at this juncture?"

My best suggestion there would be - just be civil.

Meaning, don't go out of your way for him, don't behave too eagerly, don't respond to him right away (if he contacts you) and if he suggests another hookup, I'd behave as if I were just too busy. . .but I'd get back to him. And leave it at that. If he speaks to you, that's fine, again be civil. However, also be just too busy to have that conversation at the moment and quickly remove yourself from it - with a smile :-)

If your reaction isn't that which he expects (for you to miss him, want to see him, be calling him and inviting him over, and to jump on him the next time you see him) - most men can't help but be curious as to why, LOL ;-); November 11, 2013 at 3:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Hoping you wouldn't mind giving me some input..
--A guy I don't know randomly added me to his Facebook. TWO years ago! He went to a rival high school in my town. We are both now in our early 30's.
--After adding me, he sent me a Facebook "invite" to attend a going away pool party at his house (he is in the military and was being sent to another state). I thought he sent it to me on accident, not knowing me, so I email him stating that. He struck up a conversation and invited me to come. I declined as I already had plans that weekend.
-- A month later he sends me a random email saying "You missed out (on the pool party)" :)
I played it cool and said I'm sure it was fun but I had a great time myself that weekend.

That was 2 years ago. He moved out of state for work, he started dating a girl, and now here we are.

--He sent me another Facebook invite, this time for a charity event to be held next month in a town that we both frequent 2 hours away. I ignored the invite. (These are mass invites so I'm sure he invited 100 other friends as well).
--2 days later I get an email from him asking how I am. We chit chat. He asks where I am living now and then he tells me he is moving home in a few months and is already job searching. (His facebook status now reads single and all pictures of the ex have been deleted. I have no idea when they broke up as I don't stalk him)
--I had to get going as I had plans so I email him a last message saying it was nice talking to him but I must be on my way as I had plans. Tell him to keep and touch and let me know how things work out for him. About 10 mins later after he has already logged off I ask a question re: the charity event and who it would be benefitting. I get no response.

--2 days later I email him saying I'd go to the charity event and that if he see's me to come introduce himself.
--Within 5 minutes he emailed me back saying he was sorry for not replying as he has been cramming for a test in one of his master's classes. Said he would certainly come say hello to me and sent a winky face emotiocon.

--My response was "No worries, hope you did well on the test" He opened the email 3 hours ago but never replied.

Is he even interested or am I reading too much into things?! I already know I need to let him chase me and made a mistake in emailing him yesterday. I got anxious and it got the best of me. Whoops!!; November 12, 2013 at 7:28 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA, From Aries Woman/Aries Guy

Thank you for that above guidance about the inevitable path-crossing at the gym. I'll put your advice into play when the time comes.

One last question, and then I am moving on...

What was the deal with his "Was wondering why I hadn't heard from you," comment after his interest was ignited again at the gym last week? (Keep in mind, this comment came three weeks after our rendezvous, two days after which, there was mutual flirting.) 1) I assume he hadn't truly been wondering why he hadn't heard from me, and 2) that it was some kind of manipulation to make me think I'd been on his mind. Am I correct? If not, what was the motivation (if any) behind that nonsensical comment?

This experience, truly, has been a gift. It is motivating me to live my life in confidence and with gratitude for all that I DO have around me and possess within. Mr. Aries Guy is the one missing out.

Much gratitude and many blessings to you, MOA.

Aries Woman; November 12, 2013 at 10:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MoA :)
I love reading your blogs and we think along the same lines. Recently, I started dating a much younger man, who works in a different department, same company. I am 40, he's 29. Please know I don't look 40, I was told I look somewhere around 26-30; and he doesn't look 29, he actually looks more 35/37 years old. Anyway, we started saying hi in the hallways for a year, until one day.. he asked me to get lunch together... he asked me for my phone. We went out on a couple of dates, he told me he has been attracted to me for the last 5 years, but didn't have the courage to ask me out. He also told me he was divorced for a year (after he found out his ex-wife was cheating with his best friend), he was married for 10 years... so, yes... he got married when he was 18!!! While he was telling me all this, of course I was quite overwhelmed because of his intensity, that's when I realized he was younger than me... so I told him that I thought I was older than him, he said "I know, it doesn't matter to me... it's only a number. Does it matter to you?" In spite of my reservations, and after he insisted to give him a chance, I told him we could try. The issue wasn't so much that he is younger than me, he is very mature, it was more the fact that I didn't know where he was in the healing process from his previous relationship (married 10 years, betrayed, cheated on... divorce, etc). He sounded like he was over it when I asked him, he even told me that if he wasn't sure about this that he would have never initiated this (whatever he meant by it). Believe, my heart has been broken 3 times badly... the last time, 5 years ago, I told myself "enough is enough," and I focused only on myself. I have always took care of myself, healthy food, yoga, pilates, etc. I never had self esteem issues, the 3 times I fell for someone, they cheated on me and I am not the kind of person that can forgive and forget.
I haven't dated anybody in 8 years, so I kind of forgot how to do this dating thing :/
Going back to this man... he was so sweet, cute and passionate! We had a great start, we felt pretty comfortable with one another... then, he started to ask me to go to his place around 8-8:30pm, after he was home from the gym... always weekdays. One day, he said he was working late so he would text me later... he ended up asking me to go to his place at 9:30pm!! I told him it was too late for me, that we could see each other some other time. He told me he understood but was disapointed. We texted some more the following week, but never got together again. Another 3 weeks passed by, and nothing. He had some friends in town last week, and he took a week vacation to entertain them. So last Friday, he followed me in the hallway and told me about his friends staying with him (after the fact), I was light and friendly during the interaction and I told him I would see him later/ or talk to him later... The following day, last Saturday, he texted me "Hey :)" THAT WAS IT!
cont; November 13, 2013 at 2:40 AM

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