How, What, When To Text Men

As many of my regular readers know, things have taken a turn into the dating world here with a myriad of dating and relating discussions now taking place. (Don't worry, we'll get back to astrology soon.) And I get asked a variation of one particular question quite often, and that is:

“Should I contact him?”

A few different variations of that are as follows:

“How should I text him?” “When do you text men?” “What do you text men?” “How do I respond?” “When do I respond?” “What should I say?” "How do you text men?"

And a personal observation about the matter is that women communicate too much, too often. Particularly in the early days of a budding relationship, the precise time when they should be communicating the least. Rather than sitting back, being emotionally strong, mysterious and confident, and letting the man pursue you, many women have taken to being the aggressors these days in relationships. That’s a real turn off to men. Let me correct that. That’s a real turn off to a man who genuinely likes you. (It’s a real turn on only to the man seeking a brief fling.)

Which, I believe, is the reason that more women, nowadays than ever, are experiencing the “hit and run” with men. Why are you being treated like a hit and run? Because you’re presenting yourself as the perfect victim for one. Being the aggressor with a man is akin to being a hitchhiker, standing on the side of the highway, using your goods to flag down passing motorists.

You get a ride – that’s it. A ride to the next off ramp, nothing more.

And being the aggressor with men, especially when texting men, gives them the impression that you’re desperate for that ride. That you really want it, that you really need it and that you'll do just about anything to get it - even if it means selling yourself short. I don’t have to explain why that is NOT the impression you need to give the modern day male when texting men.

The modern day female aggressor is turning the dating world onto its head. And not in a good way. This behavior is making men lazy about dating. It’s not demanding that they rise to the challenge (which, by the way, they love) and it’s just downright too easy for them. As a result, many men have taken to serial dating, plowing their way through all these women who are offering themselves up on a platter.

Help a sister out, ladies. Stop doing this - right now.

You’re revealing too much about yourself by doing so and you don’t realize how much you’re saying by actually reaching out all the time. Do you realize what it says to a man when you’re always initiating the communication? Do you realize how your good morning texts are coming across to him? Do you realize how constantly checking in with him automatically tells him that there’s no other man in your life? Do you honestly think these are good impressions you’re making?

Take a look at the hitchhiker photo above? Is that REALLY the impression you want to make?

When You're Initiating Communication First

You’re telling him you’re desperate for his attention. When you wish him good morning all the time, you’re telling him that you’re needy, that you’re obsessing over him, and that this is headed straight into relationship territory, quick. When you’re constantly checking in with him, you’re telling him that he’s on the end of a leash (yours) and that there’s no other man in your life. Hell, you’re telling him you HAVE no life. Now I ask you again, do you think these are good impressions to make early on in the dating game? Hell no.

Again, it’s akin to the hitchhiker. Standing on the side of the road, showing your goods screaming, “Me! Me! Please pick me errr . . . up.” Pick me up please. Really, that’s what you’re shooting for here? A pickup, a hook up?

Behave like that and that’s indeed what you’ll get . . . taken for a ride.

Men like a challenge, men admire confidence in a woman. Confidence is a known trigger for attraction. And triggering emotional attraction is what you need to shoot for to have a lasting relationship.

Bribery, convincing, constantly reminding him you exist . . yea, these do nothing for his attraction for you. Besides, who wants to be with someone you had to bribe with sex or convince verbally that you’re a great person and that they should be with you?

All of the below texting techniques are for responding only, not for initiating contact (because initiating contact is never a good thing unless you’re in love and you’re in an established, committed relationship. Then, it’s ok to start reaching out – a bit.)

Put on your seatbelts, gals. We’re about to take our own little ride here.

How To Text Men

Communicate In A Fun, Carefree Manner

When you do communicate with a man (in response, not via initiating it), you need to hang loose. You need to give the impression that you’re carefree and that you have a sense of humor, that you’re actually fun to be around. (Reminder: Communicating your emotions constantly is NOT considered fun for a man.)

Keep It Short

Women share too much and it can make men feel exhausted and drained. He doesn’t care what you ate for dinner or what you’re watching on TV. Keep your responses short, keep him guessing and most importantly, keep him wanting more.

Don’t Respond Immediately

If he gets a response to his texts in 3 minutes every time he texts you, you’re signaling to him that you’ve got not life, there’s nothing exciting going on, and that you’re sitting around waiting for him to contact you. It’s a known fact that people want what they can’t have. So being scarce when it comes to responding will trigger attraction for you. Being available immediately will throw a bucket of cold water on his attraction for you. You’ll be boring and predictable, not mysterious and exciting.

What To Text Men

Create General Tension Between The Two Of You

This has to be done carefully, but when done the right way, can have an INSTANT effect on a man. And it’s usually pulled off properly via some friendly teasing. For instance, if he texts you, “I’m really a nice guy” your response should be, “Well this should be interesting because I have a strict rule - I only date dickheads.”

A response like that will throw off his guard. All of a sudden, he’s intriqued. Why? Because you’re not like all the other “nice” girls. You’re not sitting there, saying boring stuff like, “Yea, you seem like a nice guy.” That triggers nothing in his erogenous zone or his emotional mind space. But take a lighthearted jab at him and boom – you’ve got his interest.

Another example might be this. Say you’re on a first date and he’s wearing a striped shirt. He says to you, “I normally don’t dress this way, but I dressed up for you tonight.” Your response should be something like, “Oh thank God because that shirt is making me dizzy.” He’ll look right into your eyes after that one. He’ll be tossed off guard and he’ll be wondering, “Did she really mean that?” Now that you’ve really captured his attention, when he goes for that look, you look right back at him and let a big grin slide across your face. Then you reach out and touch his arm (to reassure him) and say something like, “Gotcha, didn't I?”

When he goes home that night, he’ll still be unsure as to whether or not you meant what you said. Perfect. Because, you know what? He’s now thinking about you. And he’ll toss that around over and over and over, he’ll even be a little insecure over it. Again, perfect. (This is a tactic men use on women daily, playing on a bit of insecurity.) You see, you’re flipping the script on him. You’re not like other women, you’re different, and you’re not afraid that he won’t be interested in you. You’re not sitting there being fake and trying to please him, you’re sitting there being real and entertaining yourself. He’ll love that about you, trust me.

Create Sexual Tension Between The Two Of You

This, too, must be done carefully and in a respectful manner. Again, teasingly but lighthearted. For example, if he texts you and says, “I really liked that dress you had on the other night.” You respond by saying, “That’s good, because it’s going to be a while before you ever see me out of it ;-)”

Or if he says to you, “I was hoping we could spend a little private time together and maybe hang out at your place tonight” you respond by saying, “Sure, that’s fine. I have a Rottweiler (Disclosure: Mirror of Aphrodite does indeed own a Rottweiler) and a .38 Special that I’ll introduce you to if you don’t behave ;-)”

Or if you’ve met online and are planning your first date and he wants to pick you up and texts something like, “I can pick you up at 7.” You respond by saying, “I’m going to have to meet you there. You see, I’m a serial killer and my torture kit is in my trunk.”

Notice I added the wink emoticons after some of those text responses? It’s an immediate visual way to get the point across that you’re serious - but you’re also jagging – again, keep em’ guessing. It’s also a great way to make them smile and laugh, drop their guard and consider you funny and someone cool to be around. It also signals that they’re going to have to work at this a bit. Be a challenge.

Handle Aggressive Sexual Behavior Immediately, In A Mature Manner

Every guy ventures into sexual innuendoes eventually. So be prepared for how you need to handle this. First off, refrain from exchanging sexual images with one another and don't permit yourself to receive them from a man.

If a guy starts zapping you nude images of himself, it's best to cut that off right away by saying something like, “You must have me all wrong.” Or, “This is making me very uncomfortable, I was hoping you were different.” Just don’t go there, ever. It's not a good idea and dear God, never put your face in those images if you're going to do it anyway.

Men like that are players and they will send all their friends your naked photos. Trust me, I’ve seen hundreds from my male friends. More than I care too and it depresses me when I see loads of great women acting like harlots instead of real women. If you want to be treated like a harlot, send the photos (and know that you're relationship will be over in two months, either by his hand or yours). If you want to be treated like a woman and taken seriously, don’t engage in that behavior. Even in a committed relationship because when you break up, you might see those photos on his Facebook page.

When To Text Men

Umm, Never. Just Kidding – Sort Of

It’s a big no-no to initiate communication and texting with a man, especially in the early days of a budding relationship. You see, during that time, he’s hanging back and this is so that he can observe you closely. Him pulling back will bring up your insecurities and he knows this. So he’ll pull back and go into “wait and see” mode. Is she crazy? Is she a psycho? Is she needy? Is she emotionally unstable? Is she going to make me the center of her entire existence?

If you start texting him, he’ll deem the answer to all of the above questions a big, fat, resounding YES. And he’ll bolt on you.

If You’re In An Established, Committed Relationship

At this point, it’s ok to reach out. But not too heavily and only here and there. You can’t begin to overwhelm a man or dominate his time in any manner at any stage in a relationship. If you do that, he’ll break off the relationship eventually, no matter how far into it or how many months or years you’ve been dating.

If You’ve Had A Change Of Plans

If you’ve made plans and you’re running late or something has come up, go ahead and text him to let him know. It’s a sign of respect and courtesy at this point.

If You Said You’d Get Back To Him On Something

If you told him about something cool for him to check out or said that you’d get back to him about whether or not to go on a date this Friday, then yes, text him.

If He’s Made A Nice Gesture

If he’s sent flowers or an email that made you smile, something specifically for you since he knew you had a bad day or something, then yes, text him a nice thank you.

If It’s A Holiday or Special Occasion

If it’s Christmas or Thanksgiving or his birthday – go ahead and wish him well. But keep it short. Don’t make it look like it was an excuse for an hour long text session that’s going to dominate half of his day.

If He’s Texting You Consistently

If he’s in communication regularly and he seems really interested in moving the relationship forward (via his actions, not his words) then it’s ok to reach out but only once in a while. For example, if he’s been texting you good morning or goodnight every day for two weeks, beat him to the punch one morning or one evening and surprise him.

If you never do this and then one day, you do this, he’ll feel special and get really excited. But that’s only if it’s something you rarely if ever do, and have just done once or twice.

Get Into These Communication Habits

Get into the habit of communicating like this with men and you’ll have droves of them thinking your cool, funny and fun to be around. They’ll WANT to be around you, they’ll WANT to talk to you, they’ll ENJOY your company and they will SEEK you out.

So remember ladies, when communicating, keep it short, don’t be afraid to show your fun, snarky side, don’t be afraid to be yourself, be natural, be playful and be carefree. That’s it, it’s really that simple.

And men just absolutely adore simple.

850 Comments:

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Anonymous said...: hello

I meet this man about 2 years ago at this time he lived in a different state. He has now moved to my city, we see each other often however he don't call often sometimes I can let a week or two pass and still no call but when I hear from him its like we never stopped talking. We have had sex and just the other we were talking on the phone he put me on hold and did not come back. the next day came and still no call. Do I just need to cut him off. He is a nice guy very funny love the confo and the time we do spent together, but sometime text message are not returned.; January 29, 2014 at 12:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 29, 12:47 PM,
"he don't call often sometimes I can let a week or two pass and still no call"

I would cut him off dear. NEVER treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option. He's treating this as "casual" - meaning, "occasional" and as a result, you're free to do the same.

"we were talking on the phone he put me on hold and did not come back. the next day came and still no call."

That's simply rude :-( Do NOT reward his poor treatment with more of your time and attention. Show him consequences instead - no access to you (for his poor treatment of you).; January 29, 2014 at 6:12 PM
Jenna said...: Back again! (hopelessly in love)

The guy sent me a text. I ignored it.

He sent me a "snapchat" too. I wan't sure if I should open it or not. If I open it he will see that I viewed it, kind of like with a private facebook message. Should we view/read these and not respond (which let's them know we are ignoring them)...or should we not view these messages at all. I must say, in the back of my mind, I am wanting to do whatever is best so that he knows he needs to step it up and that isn't good enough. But, I know that I can't force anyone to do anything, so I am really asking what is the best decision in this case.

All my girl friends say to open the message but not respond. What do you say, MOA? I would prefer to hear your advice.; January 30, 2014 at 3:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jenna,
"I am wanting to do whatever is best so that he knows he needs to step it up and that isn't good enough."

Well, here's the thing. If you open that and he's notified of it, then guess what? He now KNOWS that he can reach you through that app, because he can clearly see you're active on it. So chances are, he'll continue to try to use that avenue to reach you (and won't step it up).

However, if you don't open it, he receives no notification. Which then tells him you are NOT active on that app, and that it won't be a way to reach you. At that point, if he DOES want to reach you, he's now forced to come up with Plan B - another method of communication.

And if he doesn't, then he wasn't that serious about any of it anyway :-(; January 31, 2014 at 9:00 AM
Jenna said...: Thanks again, MOA. Best advice a girl could ask for. I had a little epiphany of my own and realized that one day he will man up, and will do so because he has found the girl of his dreams. That may not be me and I'm ok with that, because I want to find a man who feels that way about me and is willing to do whatever it takes to love me and take care of us. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, but I won't settle for less than I deserve.

Thanks. Been rereading everything you wrote to me everyday for strength. - Jenna; January 31, 2014 at 10:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey MoA,

I have a quick question: I've been dealing with a disappearing man, so I cut off all contact with him. His birthday is this week, and I was wondering if I should send him a simple "Happy Birthday" text. The thing is, in the time we haven't spoken, it was MY birthday, and he didn't bother sending me a text message to wish me. Should I break my silence to be polite, or should I stoop to his level and "forget"?

Thanks,
Confused; February 4, 2014 at 9:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 4, 9:43 AM,
"Should I break my silence to be polite"

You answered your own question dear:

"in the time we haven't spoken, it was MY birthday, and he didn't bother sending me a text message to wish me"

Why be polite to someone that isn't treating YOU the same?

NEVER make someone you're priority while they're treating you like you're option - EVER.

If you do that, all you will be doing is reassuring him that treating you like this is okay - and you'll still be there anyways. Don't reward poor treatment with more of your time and attention dear.; February 4, 2014 at 4:57 PM
Anonymous said...: I think the real question is ... M.O.A are you single? Reason I ask is because if you are still single and looking and have not yet landed your man then I am quite wiry of you advice, if you are choosing to be single then that's a different story. However if you seem to have trouble landing your "man" then really, how sound is this advice? I do believe you make some great points for when, what and where. Nobody loves the smell of desperation, but people also don't like when you go out of your way to play stupid mind games to land the man of your dreams. I think there is a happy medium. Yes be mysterious tread lightly, don't throw your self at him, but play it by ear let him see some of your quirks without bombarding him. Show him you have an independent mind and not a personality that you copied for cosmos latest article about " how to get the guy"; February 6, 2014 at 12:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 6, 12:17 AM,
"I am quite wiry of you advice"

You have free will and should be your own free thinker. You can take the suggestions here on board if you like, or toss them to the wind..either way, free will of choice is YOURS.

"I think the real question is ... M.O.A are you single?"

I dated my ex husband for four years prior to marrying. Was married for 8, he cheated for 5. Was then single for 9 years by choice, and am now involved in a relationship. So no, I'm not single. But yes, I have chosen to be in the past - and now, I'm choosing not to be.

"However if you seem to have trouble landing your "man" then really, how sound is this advice?"

I don't believe in the "landing a man" concept. If as a woman, you have to "land a man" then something wrong. Not with YOU, but with the MAN you're seeing. No woman should have to "land a man" which sounds similar to beating him into submission. If you're dating men that make you feel that way, then you're dating the wrong guys, you're trying to hard and you're not accepting the reality that lays before you...which is that the man is not genuinely interested. If he was, you wouldn't have to "land him."

"people also don't like when you go out of your way to play stupid mind games to land the man of your dreams"

I think you misinterpret what you read here. This isn't about playing games. This is about self-discipline, exhibiting feminine energy (warm, submissive) versus masculine energy (leading, intense). Men are attracted to feminine energy and generally enjoy challenges (much like sports offer them). If they were attracted to domineering, intense, leading energy, they'd date other men.

"Show him you have an independent mind and not a personality that you copied for cosmos latest article about " how to get the guy"

I haven't read cosmos in 20 years. And I think the last time I read that crap, it was some stupid article that advised a woman to leave mushy love notes everywhere for a man...it was encouraging of unattractive, desperation type behavior in women that made them act like the aggressor, act like men, instead of their natural gender role, that of a warm, welcoming, soft submissive energy. Anytime a woman acts intensely aggressive like a man - it emasculates the man and either backfires in her face by turning him off, or lands her in a slew of 1-3 month "relationships" with opportunists taking her up on the offer over and over again, where she's then being disposed of after use. Which is why I suggest maintaining self-discipline when dealing with men and filtering out the genuinely interested one's from the opportunists by letting THEM come to YOU - instead of being aggressive like a man and chasing them all over the place forever trying to "land" them.; February 6, 2014 at 10:10 AM
Anonymous said...: for e.g. if i was in a bar...if a man asks me for my number i am going to say NO...but i will take his.......it is not being aggressive it is being SAFE and i don't think a lady should wait around for the man to call her....also when i am dating i like to pay 1/2 then i don't feel guilty if i am not having a great time.....i don't think calling a man once in awhile is wrong...it allows women like myself SOME CONTROL in the relationship. yes....men still like to pursue...but there is nothing wrong with a women taking some control of the reins also; February 9, 2014 at 10:21 PM
Anonymous said...: hi there, this website has really helped me to gain insights abt how to handle such instances in dating life. Being there and done tat with all the wrong things and always being a nice gal but in the end getting hurt from all the guys. Never in my life, the guys I always wanna have, never gave me the happiness for that long and eventually always disappearing and dating other gals or "dumping" me with all the lame reasons.. I have always thought it's a fair for both to msg to and fro but these things always are wonderful in the beginning when I don't really like them. They will try to get my attention and forced me to pick up their call and stuff. And once I eventually got hook to their rod, they start to fade away abit by abit.. and I always thought is it my fault? Did I say anything wrong? This has even led me to depression and kept me away from the dating life for many years. I have always wanted a sincere and genuine guy and hated all these silly games since we are not teenagers anymore, but are adults. But it seems guys will always be guys aka hunters!! I really lose the hope of really settling down with a good guy.; February 10, 2014 at 4:20 AM
Anonymous said...: I have known this guy from overseas. It's a long distance relationship, he is UK whereas I am living in one of the Asia countries. We have never met before because he disappeared once before in my life. Long story short. We got to know each other through a dating website and that was in the year of 2010. We skyped and emailed a lot but never really exchange numbers. All went well but POOF he was gone without any signs or signals. I tried many attempts to reach out to his email but no a single response. Well, Life goes on. Back forward, 2013 Nov, he suddenly reappear without any warning in Skype and asked whether we had spoken before becos I am still in his contact list. I was like wth, I have already moved on and even forgotten he ever exist. Then I told him he MIA and we just lost touch like tat. Then he apologized frantically and never gave me a reason to why he MIA. I tried avoiding him, but he was persistent and kept msging me thru skyp and said he wanted to work this out and he is all out for 100%. I ignored him for 2 weeks, msgs still came in then I thought I will just give in since he was really tryin his best to get my attention, we exchanged numbers and whatsapp. And this led to him calling me everytime through viber. He said he mia cos he went out of a relationship which I find it lame cos why was he in datin site and got to me know me in 2010. Then he asked me to marry him and tell my parents abt him and that was a super fast transition of him. I just went with the flow but then something changed our lives. He is a Christian wheares I am not. And he was so stubborn about me converting for him where infact we r not even in a relationship officially. I started having deeper feelings for him as he always msg me good morning and always calling me. But when I told him the religion part is not really in my favour and I needed more time, he was like all ok but then he started distancing from me bt he still will call me and msg me. But then one day, I told him I really love him and will convert for him if he wants and guess what. His reply was" I think we need to slow down abit, we r heading too fast and I am trying to protect you here and its safer for u n me" I was like WTH, you was the one who pursued me like crazy, made me fall for u, and made me to change my decision to convert n he was the one who was hurryin me to inform my parents abt him and NOW he said we r heading too fast and to SLOW things down. I was devastated and cried but didn't show him. Instead I tried calling and reasoning with him, now he didn't call me for 2 mths but will msg me once in a while asking how am I and when I reply back he doesn't even reply!! I sent him a lot of love msgs and said I was thinking of him, he did say he missed me bt no calls! 2 mths of no calls and only a handful msgs which are very basic. I always see him online whatsapp but he is not chatting with me, then who is he chatting with? WHy cant he just reply to me for once. Btw, he is Taurus and I m a Gemini. I need communication and if it lacks I will go extremely crazy. Now the communication between us are dead. Bt he always appear and Disappear. I am always watchin him, he is always online but if I msg then he reply, once one line msg then disappears. Now today, he msged me n asked how am I cos I stopped contacting him for about 1 week. He knows I was online and surely know I read his msg. What am I to do now? I am scared of going online in whatsapp as he surely know I am ignoring his msgs or am being a typical angry and emo lady cos he didn't msg me anymore. Please help me!

From,
Daisy; February 10, 2014 at 4:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Daisy,
"said he wanted to work this out and he is all out for 100%."

Umm, I smell BS here dear - this man doesn't even know you, nor did he even remember you...and now he suddenly expects you to believe he's 100%. I don't think so.

"Then he asked me to marry him and tell my parents abt him"

That's ridiculous and this man cannot possibly expect you to take him seriously, you've never even met him.

"he was so stubborn about me converting for him where infact we r not even in a relationship officially"

Again, absurd. He's a total stranger...and I'm starting to think he's a complete con artist at this point.

"I need communication and if it lacks I will go extremely crazy"

You need to actually MEET this man first dear, not just speak to him.

"What am I to do now?"

Stop talking to him, don't contact him and don't respond to him - RUN, as far away as you can from him. Something "stinks" here and I think he's a total player, liar and a con man.

He's done NOTHING, not one thing, to prove to you that he's genuinely interested here and serious about this...other than toss out a bunch of flowery talk and tell you what he thinks you wanted to hear. That's a manipulator and he deceptive. Additionally, he's made ridiculous requests from an absolute stranger, who by the way, he didn't even remember! He's got some nerve.

RUN dear - and don't EVER look back. This guy is TROUBLE.; February 10, 2014 at 5:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,

Your article is so true and is really an eye opener for all gals. Really appreciate your time to teach we gals what to do. U r an AMAZING lady whom gives us what we want without expecting anything for a return. Thank you so much!

But I have a question here, according to the book "Why guys like Bitches", how can we nice gals suddenly take a 360 turn and behave as such. I am just puzzled, won't the guys think we r playing hard to get? And what those genuine guys got really tired of these and search for a better gal? I am just scared of losing all the nice guys. And when they msg us for instance thru Whatsapp, they probably can see we r online but we are ignoring their msgs. What if they see that we are always online in whatsapp but not replying to his msgs isn't it rude? For instance if he asked how r u? Because this guy I am dating is basically doing a lot of "Magic shows" of appearing and disappearing. And I asked him, he said he has a lot of things to settle and work stress. But cant he take a min to reply my msgs. And if he can check his msgs online why cant he just reply! So now after 8 days of no contact he suddenly msged me n asked "how r U" ? But I am sick of replyin to his msgs becos he basically asked me the same ques everytime. I have ignored him for 2 days already, should I reply to him? And what must I say? Anyway I am very active in whatsapp, n I notice whernever I am online he is online also n goes offline, it's as if he is checking on me n why I have not replied to him. Will he hate me if I reply him after a few days? I am lost because if I told him I was busy, he will def asked me back as I am always online bt never reply him.

Lost and Confused; February 10, 2014 at 10:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lost and Confused,
" I am just puzzled, won't the guys think we r playing hard to get?"

Maybe, maybe not - but it's more about self-discipline (not being sexually aggressive and refraining from chasing a man down and instead, letting him come to you).

"And what those genuine guys got really tired of these and search for a better gal?"

If they can pick up and leave like that, then they weren't genuinely interested.

"I am just scared of losing all the nice guys."

Nice guys won't walk away - but players, punks and men that are lazy and seeking only sex will. Nice guys who are genuinely interested understand the concept of "proving" themselves to a woman. Lazy men who are seeking something for nothing and expect instant gratification without earning it - resent it.

"What if they see that we are always online in whatsapp but not replying to his msgs isn't it rude?"

If you never reply, yea that's rude. But if you wait an hour or two and/or you're busy at that moment and get back to them later, no that's not rude. That's what texting is for...the convenience of sending and receiving messages and then replying to them at your convenience. If you're at work or you're out with friends and family or you're otherwise busy at the moment, you can't be texting back and forth and "on call" for a man anyway.

"Because this guy I am dating is basically doing a lot of "Magic shows" of appearing and disappearing."

That's NOT a NICE guy dear. Nice guys who are genuinely interested don't treat women like that and take them for granted like that. Nice guys will stay in touch, show compassion and understanding and not act insecure (get upset if you're not sitting there waiting at their beck and call).

"And if he can check his msgs online why cant he just reply!"

If he's not replying at all - then he's doing it on purpose.

"I have ignored him for 2 days already, should I reply to him?"

Why? So he can ignore you again and never get back to you? Don't bother. It's one thing if both parties are simply taking a bit of time communicating with one another...but eventually get back to each other. But if someone is flat out ignoring you and never getting back to you and disappearing for days/weeks on end, that's another...it's deliberate ignorance. It's not pacing things out, it's rude because they're NEVER getting back to you (for weeks).

Cont...; February 11, 2014 at 9:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Will he hate me if I reply him after a few days?"

Why worry if a man that's ignoring you, never responding to you, deliberately avoiding you and then taking it for granted that you'll be right there, sitting, willing and waiting on him in spite of it...will hate you? Why worry about what a man that's treating you poorly thinks about you, ya' know? HE should be worried about what YOU think about HIM (for treating you poorly).

This guy's being deliberately rude dear. It's different from what this article discusses because the main point behind this article is as I said...one of self-discipline, pacing the relationship out instead of rushing ahead full steam, not being sexually aggressive as a woman - and basically letting the man be the man and take the lead.

In your situation however, this man is deliberately avoiding you, deliberately ignoring you, deliberately not getting back to you and carrying the conversation along - and he's being lazy, very lazy...and he expects you to be sitting there waiting, jumping on every single text that comes through while he does the exact opposite.

He's not a nice guy dear, nice guys don't treat women like that. So I wouldn't worry one bit about what a guy that's treating me poorly thinks of me. He's not pacing the relationship, he's disappearing without a word for extended periods of time (and that's NOT what I'm suggesting you do in this article). That's different from what's being discussed here on this post. It's flat out ignorant treatment from a lazy man. And when someone treats you ignorantly like that and disappears for weeks without a word and without explanation, you do NOT reward them for their poor treatment of you by showering them with more of your time, focus and attention.

Instead, you show him CONSEQUENCES for his actions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; February 11, 2014 at 9:45 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thanks for your reply!! It was really motivating. But I gave in to my temptation by replyin him after 2 days and told him that I do not want to msg him anymore and that I have a feeling he is dating someone else. His reply was, no and that he is currently venturing into a business and is busy and he wants to focus on it. His reply was also like this" I do not want to hurt you or make any commitment properly until the times are right" what does he mean by that? and then he promised to also call me to talk abt his business. But now its already 2 days, and he hasn't call and I didn't msg him also. But I am frustrated cos he was all into him yest and now he never kept his promise.

Lost & confused; February 12, 2014 at 11:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,

So update on what has been happening with my male friend, not sure if you remember he is my Virgo male friend that wants a relationship with me but I am not romantically interested in him. We work for the same company but different departments so we are not in the same office together thankful for that. On Valentine's Day he showed up at my office and gave me some some flowers but I am terribly allergic to the type of flowers he gave me, he seemed a bit upset and annoyed about that. I told him he did not have to get me anything but thank you they were beautiful but I am allergic to them. He went back to his office and again I emailed to give him thanks since he looked a bit down that he didn't get it right and it wasn't perfect as he imagined. Then he said well its worth it to me to be able to "connect " with you. I asked him what did he mean by connect? I guess that set him off and he got annoyed by that question and he said he stayed at work late till 8 and was getting advice from one of his co-workers. This began a long set of texts from him Friday evening, him telling me he was annoyed and questioning his motives and he feels like I am crucifying him for taking an interest in me. And that he would hope his actions would show a person that one time in their life they were cared for and loved. Lordy Lordy!!!!! At the same time I also was dealing with the impending death of a very close family friend, I was very emotional due to the all that was happening with my dying friend that I decided to take your advice Mirror and I stood SILENT!

I decided to put my needs first, to me my friend that was on her deathbed was way more important to me and I did not even want to hash any of this out with him. And you know what Mirror even though my friend passed away Saturday evening I was at peach that I did not speak to him. I felt no urgency to speak ti him nor explain why I was not responding. He is not my husband nor my BF and I owe him no explanation, taking care of me and my emotional well being was my priority. As I've explained before this is like beating a dead horse as we have gone through these convos before he just doesn't get it and yes me keeping in contact with him and him wanting to spend time with me would ad fuel to the fire. So all weekend even though I was not up to it my best friend took me out to a movie and her and I had a good time and had very good conversation where I also found out lots of things about him. You see my best friend also used to work in the same department as he does and she also had a cousin that also worked there and he was apparently the same way with her cousin as he is with me: the possessiveness, he would do things for her but expect her to be his GF. Her and I started to put together a pattern with him he becomes fixated on a woman and molds himself to be the perfect man for her ( he is a Virgo). When he doesn't get what he wants the ugly side comes out and he makes the woman the villain. He says she's the crazy one because she doesn't see what a perfect guy he is for her. He has had a pattern with at least 2 other women in his department, he doesn't know that I know this information, he is also has social anxiety due to his disability he is half deaf. I still have not responded to him and you know what Mirror I feel at PEACE that I haven't. What do you think will happen? And really I do not want to but I feel in my gut he was going nuts all weekend that I haven't responded and he will confront me but maybe that's what needs to happen.

What do you think about all this?? I would love your advice?

-- Jennifer; February 18, 2014 at 11:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Oh and another thing Mirror:

I went to church with my mother on Sunday, I just needed some peace and light a candle for my friend. And not to get all religious but the Gospel was about letting the consistency of your actions define the person you are. Be consistent, keep your word, and always follow through the things you say with actions. So you see ladies even the Bible says you should not just accept a person's empty words, they mean nothing without ACTION to back them up. Talk is cheap but proof is expensive and it don't take Visa!!!!!!

Good day Ladies. Stay strong!!!! :)

-- Jennifer; February 18, 2014 at 11:29 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror
And we had a bad fight and he ended up saying I'm mad, so on I diddnt reply since a month.
What do I do?; February 18, 2014 at 4:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jennifer,
"What do you think about all this?"

Well, I think if you're not interested, you simply need to make that clear to him in a friendly, sympathetic manner. Meaning, don't be mean and flat out reject him. Explain that you like him as a person, you simply do not have a romantic interest in him is all. And that if he continues this behavior, he's going to continue to make you uncomfortable and you're going to be forced to cease speaking to him. Explain that you're not being mean, you're not crucifying him, you're flattered. However, that doesn't change the fact that you do not have romantic feelings for him and as such, this isn't going to go anywhere.

If he cannot accept that dear, then you're going to have to cease being his friend. If he doesn't confront you, don't bother confronting him to say the above, just let this go unless he confronts you and forces you to say this.; February 19, 2014 at 7:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your advice Mirror. I have had that conversation with him before and I referred to it as beating a dead horse and he just doesn't see it. I thought he could handle just being friends and I now see he really cannot, so if I must cut my friendship with him then I will. And yes Mirror he is making me uncomfortable because he does not know where to draw the line.

-- Jennifer; February 19, 2014 at 10:20 AM
Anonymous said...: For the last time please reply me. I've had arguments for taking me on a date. And he went quite rude and ended up texting me negatives of me in a twisting way. I decided to stop the conversation as it was going. Really bad. It was my turn to text back but I didn't. I really miss him but I don't know to text him or no? How long do I wait to text him back?

#stuckconfusedhelp; February 19, 2014 at 3:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous
"For the last time please reply me."

It's rude to make demands like that. Particularly from someone who is giving her time to you for free.

I can't sit here and walk you through your relationship step by step, telling you what and when to respond. You have to read the articles, which already make suggestions on when to respond...like this one for instance, that already gives specific examples of the ONLY times to text a man, and then you have to proceed accordingly with the knowledge you've gained and/or in the manner you see fit.; February 19, 2014 at 3:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello. I just came upon your site this morning and love it! So I decided to contact you and see if I can catch at least a glance of your wisdom. Im serious. So here goes.

I like him...a lot. But in the beginning I didn't want to admit such to myself for fear of being hurt...again. So I approached him and told him, politely, that there was no way on this earth that there would be anything between us (not those exact words but you get it).

Well time went on and in the process I realize that yes I do like him very much, in fact, a lot. In the meantime, actually during this whole time between my running my mouth and about two days ago, he was trying to show that he does like me. But remember, I had already ran my mouth and felt that that if I recant it would look like I was chasing him which is a big no no in my book. Meanwhile he disappears somewhat so I call h I m just to see if he was okay. Well, thats what I told him...true but half true...I just wanted to hear his voice. So we talked.

In the meantime, im missing like crazy. So i call again, we talk and I found out he sick. Ok. We talk. Toward the end of our conversation, I told him I miss him which, as mentioned, I sure do. Expecting the same results, I was floored when he said, "I miss everybody. " A very good male friend told me the words included me too. I dont know. Another said he probably has his guard up. Yet another feels maybe hes depressed. I do know for a fact that in the meantime there's a woman chasing him like there's no tomorrow. In fact shes spreading things like they have something going on, hardly speaking to me when in the past, while never really close, had a good rapport. In the meantime, while spreading this I noticed that he avoided her.

I don't know what to make of any of this. Can you help me? Please.; February 23, 2014 at 1:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 23, 1:12 PM,
"I don't know what to make of any of this. Can you help me?"

Regretfully, there's not much to make of it dear - because nothing really exists here. Meaning, there's no relationship between the two of you, therefore, you can't make anything of it ya' know?

But I will say this - careful on the mixed messages you're sending:

" I approached him and told him, politely, that there was no way on this earth that there would be anything between us"

"it would look like I was chasing him which is a big no no in my book"

"so I call him"

"So i call again"

You told him nothing was ever going to happen (WORDS) and then stated that you consider chasing men a big no-no. But then you phone him, not once but twice (ACTIONS), which many men consider "pursuit" by a woman.

In otherwords dear, your words are NOT aligning with your actions.

Your behavior with him is inconsistent dear and somewhat passive aggressive, meaning you're passively feigning disinterest but then aggressively pursuing him (phoning) and as a result, I imagine he's also confused and he may possibly even interpret it as game playing. I would not risk giving him that impression if you truly like him dear :-(

Keep your actions in line with your words to avoid further complicating the situation :-); February 24, 2014 at 12:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Please forgive me now as I really had no clue what forum to post in. I will try to be as brief as possible!! (We have dated for 5 weeks now). He is 31, I am 32.

--Met a man randomly while renting a car. VERY charismatic, friendly, easy to talk with. He started the conversation. It was my time to leave, he was still paying. I left without saying goodbye. I'm at my car, getting in, and there he is--he chased me out to get my number.

--He texts the next morning. We chat sporadicly throughout the day.

--We finallly have a date 2 weeks later, as we both travel for work.. He asked ME out, several times, before our timing finally meshed.

--First dinner date: All is well. But RED FLAG #1: I offer to pay. He tells me no, I say no problem. He did not further argue. I ended up paying my own. He asks to see me the next day for dinner. I agree. It is a group dinner, so on date #2 I ended up meeting all his friends. I did NOT offer to pay this time and he paid the bill with no complaint.

--He is so so sweet, constantly compliments me, tells me early on that he likes me, good morning texts here and there to say "good morning beautiful", wants to see me often (meaning on the weekend and once during the week), makes plans in advance with me, when I go to visit he makes sure I am comfortable (offering me a drink, etc), does not pressure me for sex.

--We slept together and I would go over and he wouldn't even "touch" me; he said "We don't have to sleep together every time I see you". Which makes me glad, making me think I actually mean something to him.

--RED FLAG #2. About 3 weeks into dating/talking, he called me one night. At that point, I had let him do 98% of the initiating of texts. That night I was at home working on a project. I told him as much and he kinda got pouty and hung up. He immediately texted me after he hung up and said he was sorry for bothering me. I told him he wasn't. He replied "You never seem to want to talk to me". So, from that point, I have been doing about 75% of the conversation initiating. Now it seems it is ALWAYS me who has to send the first text. He always replies very quickly, and always follows up by asking to see me, but I am very annoyed that I have to start the conversation.

--VDay: ONly officially dating for 2 weeks by this time, but he did send me flowers.

CONTINUED:; February 25, 2014 at 1:29 AM
Anonymous said...: CONTINUED FROM ABOVE:

--Today I decided I had had enough with the being the "chaser", so I didn't text him. Lo and behold he texts me at 8:30 pm to ask if I had a good day. 45 minutes later I replied very vaguely that I had a great day. He IMMEDIATELY replied and asked why. I waited 30 more minutes (I knew he'd be asleep because he wakes up at 4 am for work) to reply.

--Every time I see him in person, he compliments me and thanks me for making time to see him. I DO appreciate that about him. He is affectionate with me, makes me feel like I am important to him and more than just a quick fling.

However: OTHER RED FLAGS: Of 6 dinner dates we have had, I have paid my own way 3 times. I am not a gold digger, but I think this is a bad sign.
On another date, we drove 45 minutes to eat. On the way home, he SnapChatted with a friend 30 minutes of the way. I got very annoyed and he could tell. I told him it bothered me. He apologized and has not made that mistake again.
He lives w/2 male roommates from work. I have been on my own since I was 18. It would seem he would be more "established" by now. (He is a football coach, makes $40K a year, I make $75k)
His apartment is a NASTY mess. Mismatched, torn up furniture. Nasty shower, papers laying everywhere, it is just GROSS.. His bedroom decor? Toy wrestling figurines still in the original box and framed movie posters. Again, seems kinda childish for a grown man.
He has a dog that he babies. Which is fine. Baby talk, kisses on the forehead... I mentioned a trip I am taking in May. He asked to go with me. I said he could. Then he asked if the dog could go. HE!! NO....
Jokes here and there about how I should buy him this or that. Again, kinda annoying.

Anyway, I am going to lay off the initiating contact with him. I know it is my own fault. Had he not got pouty that night about how I never want to talk to him, I would have never started being the initiater, but too late now. Maybe that will spark him to start chasing me again, maybe not..

Any thoughts welcome. I adore the man and for the most part he treats me VERY well, but obviously the above has me concerned.; February 25, 2014 at 1:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 25, 1:29 AM,
"RED FLAG #1: I offer to pay. He tells me no, I say no problem."

That's not a red flag at all dear - that's a tried and true gentleman that's willing to "treat" you like a lady, the way it should be.

"He replied "You never seem to want to talk to me". So, from that point, I have been doing about 75% of the conversation initiating. Now it seems it is ALWAYS me who has to send the first text."

Hmm, that was a bit manipulative of him, although I will say this. Many men THINK they want an aggressive woman. But the reality is that when the woman steps into the lead role (the masculine role), they are suddenly and without explanation - no longer attracted to her :-(

They're their own worst enemies there with that I swear. They tell you to call, you do, then they ignore you. Or they tell you to call, you do, and then it's YOU doing ALL the work from then on. It's a trap, which I why I tell women often that when these men try to make you feel guilty or make you feel like you're giving out signals that you're not interested because you're not chasing them down....ignore that, let them be men and take the lead role and pursue you. They actually like it and prefer it that way, they just don't realize it half the time. If you don't and you chase them, it'll come back to bite you in the butt :-(

"Of 6 dinner dates we have had, I have paid my own way 3 times."

Ugh, not good. How did this happen, is he asking you to pay? Or are you offering? If you're offering, stop doing so immediately. Otherwise, you're not going to be treated special here, you're going to be treated like a buddy instead.

And I don't wanna' lay blame here dear, but that's why you don't start off offering to pay. If you do, say hello to that because it'll happen often. You want to date a real man that's willing to provide for you, even if you can already provide for yourself, because let's face it - deadbeats are unattractive.

"His apartment is a NASTY mess. Mismatched, torn up furniture. Nasty shower, papers laying everywhere, it is just GROSS.. His bedroom decor? Toy wrestling figurines still in the original box and framed movie posters. Again, seems kinda childish for a grown man."

Yes dear I agree...he's living like a college frat boy and this could be an indication of some emotional immaturity present still.

"Jokes here and there about how I should buy him this or that."

WHOA. Okay...stop right there, LOL. He started off on the right foot but as I'm reading, it's becoming apparent that maybe that was a "smoke and mirrors" technique to get you hooked. Then once you're hooked, it's YOU paying for everything, wiping his butt, cleaning his apartment and chasing him around like a lost puppy dog. I'm not saying you're doing that, but I am saying this guy's a damn good manipulator and he's probably used to "setting himself up" in these situations by starting off gentlemanly, suddenly pulling back and pulling the rug out from under the woman, and then watching the table turn as SHE now does all the work while he sits back and gloats...like an over-sexed, over confident college frat boy does.

Cont...; February 25, 2014 at 6:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Had he not got pouty that night about how I never want to talk to him"

That's emotional immaturity and a bit of manipulation there dear and I bet him and his buddies have this shit down to a science with women, coaching each other on how to "set themselves up" properly at first and then pull the rug out from under the woman to then see things going their way after the woman is emotionally involved and now fully "hooked" under the spell.

"I adore the man and for the most part he treats me VERY well, but obviously the above has me concerned."

Well, that's fine dear and you can continue to date him....IF....he reverts back to the gentleman that he presented himself as very early on. If he takes the lead, treats you special, does the work and initiates to get this going.

If instead, he reverts into a childish, immature moron and refuses to take the lead here or expects YOU to treat HIM and expects you to chase him...let him go dear.; February 25, 2014 at 6:28 PM
Anonymous said...: Aphrodite-Thanks for the reply. Appreciate you!!
I am Anonymous from 2/25. Dating the man who lets me pay and has the nasty apartment.

I decided to keep in not initiating contact to see what kind of turn things took. He texted me tonight at 8:30. "Guess I won't hear from you. Goodnight". (I merely replied "Have a goodnight! Have a good day tomorrow." No reply as I knew he had already went to sleep.)

Ummm, you are the MAN, how about you chase ME! Shame on me for feeling bad for him 2 weeks ago when he got pouty and I allowed myself to be put in the position of always texting him first then on. I miss the days when I'd get a text from him early in the day, but truly, what am I missing? This Friday will be a month of dating, and 2 weeks of those I have had to do most of the conversation starting!

I don't understand why he is so awesome in person--affectionate, complimentary of me, etc,but yet he can't take the time to send a text during the day?! Makes NO sense. This man always wants to see me, so I feel like he is interested. He doesn't pressure me for s3x, he's let me meet his friends, I could list many more positives.

Yes, I know the "you should buy me.." comments are a red flag. He says them very jokingly, but how would a guy I've only dated mere weeks like it if I said "You should buy me a XYZ"?! Strange.

Yes, his house is like a frat house. DISGUSTING. I hate to be so judgemental,but I have lived on my own for 12 years now, and between 2 roommates, they should be able to keep it clean! I understand he loves wrestling, but having boxed toys in your room?! Doesn't turn me on much.

Anyway, I'm just going to keep with letting him initiate the contact. I will reply very friendly when he DOES text. I know I don't need to go off on him when he does send something like he did tonight, obviously trying to make me feel bad for him.

Thanks again!! This site is awesome! :); February 25, 2014 at 10:38 PM
Anonymous said...: @the mirror of Aphrodite - I have enjoyed reading your articles and responses to some of the other readers. I was hoping you can help me as I'm confused about my situation. I was seeing this guy, we met online. We texted for 4 months before I agreed to meeting up with him. We had a great first date, he waited for the train with me and asked me if I got home ok. Before we separated he asked me out for a second date. I agreed and throughout the week we texted back and forth, him being the initiator. We met up again 2 weeks later. Had a great time and this time he drove me home. Before I left the car, he asked me how I felt about him and if I wanted to continue seeing him. So I said I liked him. Gave him a hug and left. We continue to text and being it was the week of valentines day, he asked if we wanted to do a makeup valentines day on the 15th. I agreed. Had a great time, he gave me a rose, held my hand, drove me home and kissed me - our first kiss. Later that night, he asked if I had Facebook and I said yes. So he added me. However, two days later, I noticed that he was acting odd. He stopped initiating texts. He was always the one that initiated the texts and tells me he's had a long day at work or anything interesting that may have happened to him. I usually text him interesting videos/pictures/articles. So I do this. And he responds to my text but they were not his usual way of texting. So we don't text for days. I guess I was ignorant and thought he's just being busy at work so I asked if he wanted to meet up. He replied he couldn't and apologized because work was so busy. So this goes on for another week, I had a gut feeling he lost interest so confronted him about it. He responded with "yeah I'm sorry, Im probably not ready for anything serious, your a great person and I'd love to still stay in touch, I just don't think now is right, work is really busy and I've been working crazy hours". Since then we haven't been in contact. But I still think about him because I really liked him.Did I do the wrong thing by initiating text and confronting him about our situation? Or did he really loose interest completely? I just felt that his action was a complete 180 that I wasn't expecting considering how we had a great time together. Please help.; March 1, 2014 at 1:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 1, 1:57 PM,
"Did I do the wrong thing by initiating text and confronting him about our situation? Or did he really loose interest completely? I just felt that his action was a complete 180 that I wasn't expecting considering how we had a great time together."

There's no way to tell dear. But when a man tells you he isn't ready for a relationship, believe him. If you don't and you continue to pursue forward with a man like that, he WILL sleep with you - but then he will most likely disappear soon after. Why? Because he didn't want a relationship in the first place.

In the end, when a man tells you that dear, you need to listen because that's exactly what they mean. You can't make someone love you, feel chemistry for you, or want to be in a relationship with you. You can't control others, you can only control your reaction to them. Don't wait around for him, instead, move on dear, as best you can:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; March 2, 2014 at 11:17 AM
Anonymous said...: I read most of you're articles. We have been together since two years and had 3 to four Breakup's between. This time it did not go so well. He wanted to use me in a negative way. I had no choice but the no contact rule. I'm following the no contact rule since a month so that he realises my value and pulls back. I did not receive any replies yet but I just got a text 'hello' from a stranger. I knew that it was his friend. Even previously I was receiving text from the same person and I understood that it was him who was texting through his friends account. Well I do not understand that during the no contact rule why does he not directly contact me..... Why do he tries to contact me through his friend in an indirect manner. I'm really lost and confused about this.; March 5, 2014 at 5:39 PM
Anonymous said...: bollocks, if a man likes me he'll put up with my initial needy nonsense, most women are complicated enough without this ridiculous old fashioned guff about being mysterious.; March 11, 2014 at 4:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 11, 4:50PM,
"my initial needy nonsense"

Umm, yea. Because we all know how attractive THAT can be, right?

"ridiculous old fashioned guff"

Call it what you will, but it appears to me that you don't have a solid understanding of the fundamental realities about human existence. Things such as:

- Human behavior tendencies: People place a high value on things they have to work for: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201204/does-playing-hard-get-make-you-fall-in-love

- Psychological tendencies: Such as the Law of Scarcity, which by the way, is used in economics by manufacturers on YOU every single day of the week...without you even realizing it: http://ezinearticles.com/?Understanding-the-Law-of-Scarcity&id=184783

- What actually creates "attraction:" People always want what they can't have: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Wallin22.html. . .and when it's thrown at them in abundance, they don't want it or value it as much (i.e. The Law of Scarcity)

- How "uncertainty" heightens romantic attraction: http://www.psmag.com/navigation/books-and-culture/uncertainty-heightens-romantic-attraction-26363/

Again, it appears you know very little about human tendencies, psychological effects, men....and yourself (where your feelings ACTUALLY COME FROM.)

Playing hard to get might be your grandma's recipe...but I bet grandpa is still around eating her pie.

But it's okay...continue living under this delusion "if a man likes me he'll put up with my initial needy nonsense" - and fooling yourself into thinking that's actually attractive to others...or that you're so special people need to tolerate your insecurities rearing their ugly head every day.; March 11, 2014 at 5:27 PM
chk61 said...: Kudos, Mirror. I'm sure there is the rare exception where a man will be attracted to an initial needy response from a woman but everything you say is true.

Like millions of people, last night I watched the finale of "The Bachelor". I watched it off and on over the season, more towards the end. I was struck with how unimpressed the Bachelor seemed with either of the two women he had to pick from at the finale. Why? Because they served themselves up to him on a silver platter. They both professed their intense feelings for him at the final episode (one saying "I love you" with no reciprocation from him) and both letting him know just HOW much they wanted him. He did not have to wonder AT ALL how either of these women felt about him. (and one reason why he fell for Charlene, who was much more guarded and mysterious). His facial expressions were sooooo telling. This guy is NOT a professional actor and the lack of softening in his face when these women were telling him just HOW much they were crazy about him spoke VOLUMES. His face almost hardened when they were pouring out their hearts to him! His reactions to both women were incredibly revealing.

He will eventually dump poor Nikki.....and her humiliation will be witnessed by the entire world.

Bottom line? Women pursuing men and professing how they feel before the man does, and saying "I love you" before the man does, and being "needy" and "emotional" does NOT work with men. Women making themselves readily available to a man and bending over backwards to let the man know how much they like him does NOT WORK. It will work with them getting used by men, but it won't work if they are looking for a committed relationship. It's a hard lesson for women to learn but one they must learn if they want to avoid getting run over and left for dead, as Mirror has been known to say. ;-); March 11, 2014 at 7:26 PM
catchingsunshine said...: Hi Mirror, I need some of your wonderful advice!
I fell in love with a man after breaking up with my husband of 15 years. He was a lot of things my husband wasnt but also vice versa. He made no bones about telling me he 'wasnt the affectionate type'. I found him a bit cold and distant but put
?..So, couple of weeks ago he gives me a lift back from hospital with my 7yo and dropped us off outside my house, left his engine running, and said he had stuff to do. I was pretty annoyed and had a sick child to care for so didn't bother texting him all that evening. Surprise, surprise... he didn't text me either. The next morning, I found your site. Now, usually I could last a few hours without messaging him, then I do it, then I write in my diary 'I can't believe I caved in a txt him again!' My diary is full of it, its pathetic really lol. I pulled him up about it once and he said, he just doesnt think to txt me (I know, I shouldve realised right there!)
So this time, I dont txt him. This goes on for 6 days! This is unheard of for us. (btw, at this point we were back together after another break up at new year). Then I get a txt on a flimsy pretext about netflix and he says "by the way I think you ignoring me is childish and I dont play games. If you are going to do this thats fine as I cant do anything about it anyway but ill ask you to delete my no and from email and facebook". I didnt reply until the next day that I wasnt playing games, just needed time to think and I have a sick child and would talk to him later. Then I got a msg, "im sorry to hear about ellie being sick and about your car, look on your doorstep" and he'd left a bottle of wine! That is the single most thoughtful thing he's done in over 2 years!! So I msgd back a simple thank you and he replied your welcome. That was a week ago.
On Monday (2 days ago) I txt him (I know now I shouldnt have) 'hey what you up to today? to which he replied just doing some work on the computer. Couple of hours later asked me what im up to so I said studying, he said 'ok nice'. Yesterday he sent me a generic joke and I replied a couple of hours later that it was pretty funny.
Today I feel firstly a bit ridiculous for recounting all my txt msgs to you, and secondly bloody annoyed that he's AGAIN drawn me into his bloody web of chasing after him! Its infuriating! I'm backto feeling like hes's pulling away and I'm on the hook again! Why???
I tried to think 'why am I doing this? Do I want to get over him or do I want him back? The truth is that I love him and I wish he could just give me what I need, affection, affirmation, honesty, reliability and I keep trying to find these things in him from the little bits he does give me, but its always the bare minimum. If I have to reach the conclusion that he cant be what me and the kids need, then I have to do this to let him go. Its kinda lonely without him though.; March 12, 2014 at 8:37 AM
catchingsunshine said...: Couple of things I forgot... in addition to the above he walks ahead of me when we're out, never affectionate in public, turns away from me when we talk, spends ages on facebook or whatever staring at the screen rather than spend his attention with me, makes all of our problems my fault somehow and can be quite mean under the guise of 'only joking'. Is this a defence mechanism or control? I have tried talking through all this stuff but hes defensive and ends up walking out... I used to get upset but the last time I just let him leave. Part of me says walk away he's controlling and part of me says its just his way.
Thank you so much for your time and awesome advice to all us girls, I feel stronger after reading your advice :); March 12, 2014 at 8:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
I realize my response may have bluntly made that point, but I did that on purpose because by doing so, it clearly puts the reality under the light.

And the reality is that...it's simply unattractive to men - period.

It's even unattractive to women as well. And as you've stated, generally, the only ones who respond positively to a woman immediately behaving like that unfortunately are the ones seeking to use her - who will soon disappear afterwards :-(

Ever notice over the years that the men you really like, the men you try real hard with to please...you find their reaction to be...meh. So you try harder and harder to be nicer and nicer and you contact them, share with them, do for them, sleep with them, etc....and still...."meh" is kinda what you get?

But the guys you want nothing to do with, the men you somewhat ignore, don't jump for, don't sleep with, don't do for and really don't go out of your way to treat them nicely....ever notice those guys blow up your phone again and again and again, LOL?

The reason is because of all those things listed above actually being put to use in that second scenario without you even realizing it. Things like the Law of Scarcity, making them "work" to win you over, wanting what they can't have and leaving them in a state of "uncertainty"....that's actually what's driving them towards you, LOL ;-)

As you've stated above, it's a hard lesson learned - a jagged little pill to swallow for a woman. I get that. I'm a woman and I've swallowed that painful pill myself. It wasn't easy. No one says the growing process is easy, hence the term "growing pains"...but once you've accepted that, it's like a whole new world opens up to you. The lights come on and you're like, "Okay, now I get it. And this explains...and that explains..." and suddenly, it all just makes sense :-)

Men and women are very different. Giving men what you (a woman) wants (lots of emotional sharing, heavy communication and attentive behavior) isn't necessarily what gets men's juices flowing. What gets a man's juices flowing is to present him with a challenge, something to "win" over, and a bit of healthy competitive behavior....hence their love of sports.

Men and women simply have very different needs. And once you grasp that and embrace it, dating can actually become more enjoyable for women and less stressful :-); March 12, 2014 at 10:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
I just remembered and interesting conversation I had recently with a male friend of mine. I think you'll find this interesting. He's dating a woman casually and he's made that very clear. She decided to proceed and accept that. However, she complains he doesn't communicate enough. She complains he doesn't do enough for her. She constantly rings his phone and sends texts, almost to the point of harassment.

So what did he tell her the other day when he simply couldn't take it anymore?

He told her that he wasn't attracted to her. Didn't know why, but he wasn't. He told her that he didn't want a relationship with her and that she agreed to casual, but expects relationship type treatment. And he told her that he wants an INDEPENDENT woman. He wants a woman that DOESN'T NEED him to the extent that she does. He told her he wants space. He told her he wants HER to give it to HIM.

And you know what she did?

She rang his phone a gazillion times, "needing" more of an explanation.

And you know what he did?

He shut off his phone and hasn't responded to her in days.

He's not an ignorant man. She offered herself up in a bar one night (in rather unimpressive ways I might add). He doesn't want to hurt her, he told me that and I believe him, which is why he's made himself VERY clear with her from day one - he thought that'd be fair to her - he'd give HER a choice to STAY or GO. SHE chose to stay....and make him miserable (along with herself).

And now, he's being forced to use no contact in an effort to help HER break free because she's not strong enough to do that herself.

And in the end, it was her insecurity that became unattractive to him. In the end, he made it very clear that confidence and independence are what he needs in a woman.

Confidence and independence are attractive to people - male or female. Neediness and insecurity simply are not :-(

I didn't make the rules, that's simply the reality...the way it is.; March 12, 2014 at 10:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @catchingsunshine,
"Then I get a txt on a flimsy pretext about netflix and he says "by the way I think you ignoring me is childish and I dont play games. If you are going to do this thats fine as I cant do anything about it anyway but ill ask you to delete my no and from email and facebook".

That's emotional manipulation. Don't fall for it. Next time he does that, say "okay, have it your way" and delete him - call his bluff.

"bloody annoyed that he's AGAIN drawn me into his bloody web of chasing after him! Its infuriating! I'm back to feeling like hes's pulling away and I'm on the hook again! Why???"

Because he can dear - he does it and it works, ya' know?

"If I have to reach the conclusion that he cant be what me and the kids need, then I have to do this to let him go."

Exactly. You can't change people dear, they are who they are. But you're not powerless here, you do have an option and control...you simply need to wield it:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

If a man isn't willing or doesn't care to fulfill your needs and prefers to keep the focus on himself while investing very little effort...then that's the reality dear. You either choose to stay and settle for what little he has to offer you, or you decide to take control of your own happiness and you break out on your own to find your match.

"Is this a defence mechanism or control?"

CONTROL - absolute control. And he's not above using emotional manipulation to further gain power either - as he's already proved in your comment above about how he manipulated you (using guilt) to chase after him.; March 12, 2014 at 5:39 PM
catchingsunshine said...: Thank you :) its like us ladies are speeding around in a car and waiting for a man to take the wheel! For trying to show us we can take that wheel (after all, its our damn car!) and steer wherever we like, we thank you! Doesn't really matter if we have no map or where we end up, its being in charge of our own journey that counts... now where'd I put my driving gloves??; March 12, 2014 at 7:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Aphrodite
I met a man a month ago and the connection was strong. We had sex on our second date and on our third date after which I told him I loved him. He did not reply and though I wasn't happy I knew it was too soon to expect a reply. Now he travelled for work and I always chat him up of which atimes he doesnt reply. He always claim to be busy.
Please what can I do at this point? I really like him and I dont want him to think I dont care anymore if I stop texting him. But more importantly I want him to take me more seriously.
Worried girl; March 14, 2014 at 5:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Worried Girl,
"I really like him and I dont want him to think I dont care anymore if I stop texting him"

The definition of insanity dear, is doing the same thing again and again...and expecting different results. If texting him doesn't get his attention, then why do more of it?

"I want him to take me more seriously."

If you want OTHERS to take you seriously dear, then YOU have to take YOURSELF seriously. Because how you respect yourself is how others will respect you:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

"Please what can I do at this point?"

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; March 15, 2014 at 10:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, I chanced upon your page from google-ing "what does it mean when a man says he likes you, makes plans with you and then you never hear from him again?" As with everything, there's a bit of a back story, so here goes:

About late 2012 I met this guy online, after about 30 minutes of chatting we decided to meet for ice-cream to break the proverbial ice and ended up having a lovely afternoon date that went on for hours. We went on a few spontaneous dates - mostly because we both had pretty sporadic commitments, mine to work, volunteer events and sport training and his mostly work. He worked and still works for a federal govt agency and travels a lot as part of his job - he's not a spy or anything, just a bit of "national security" blah blah. We were never intimate - we did share some nice hugs, but nothing more. We didn't see each other again after I left for a 3+ week overseas trip for sport. We sporadically exchanged text messages after but I think it all stopped in the beginning of 2013.

So about three and a half weeks ago, I received an email from him - felt a little out of the blue, it said:

"A long time since we last were in contact . Did you relocated to ?
I'm still in despite rumblings of moving to or , but now here for at least another two years, looking to purchase another property blah blah. Travel alot for work domestically and internationally so that makes up for moving. Still employed by the same employer : )
Thought I'd say hi, is cool if you don't want to reply : ) "

I wasn't sure what to make of it, but I liked him back then and always wondered what could have been so on the Sunday morning following, I chanced if he still had the same phone number and texted him: "Hey emailer, been a long time! What's for breakfast". I got a response a few hours later, we exchanged a few more texts and arranged to catch up later that day.

Long story short, I invited him around, we chatted for hours over wine, flirted and ended up fooling around a little. We both had early starts the next day so I had to kick him out. He had travel and said he'd confirm our Thursday dinner plans when he got back Wednesday evening if he didn't have to be away all week. We exchanged a few flirty texts and emails whilst he was a way and we went out to a simple, spontaneous dinner on Thursday. Things got ALMOST hot and heavy after dinner but he had an early start the next morning and promised to "make it up to me next weekend" when he got back from another week away. A few more texts and emails over the days that followed with more reference to making it up to me the weekend coming.. then.. Monday.

Monday: I sent him what I thought was a link to an adorable youtube video of a guy that sang "Let It Go" from the Frozen movie in character voices saying ":-) would something like this be in your repertoire?" because he'd promised to make it up to me on the weekend with acts to make me smile. He replied "Apparently that whole movie is about coming out of the closet. Not me ; ) Unless....its a gay friend you want?" I replied - thinking it was flirty: "I think singing in adorable cartoon character voices and you read: "oh no, she thinks I'm gay". ;-) Are you saying you want me? "

No reply.

It's now Sunday of "the weekend". I'm not impressed. In the last 24hours I've sent him an email which read: "are you alive?" then a text that said the same and more recently I called -no answer.

What the?

I really do like this guy, and am confused. I want to call him but he's got a missed call, a text and an email already. Gaah.

BAFFLED.; March 23, 2014 at 5:55 AM
Heidi said...: Hi Ladies- I have a question... I've been invited to an anniversary party last weekend in April. The couple is in their 40s and the entire weekend will be quite a fantastic event. Sailing, golf, formal dinner followed by dancing and a band. I already have my plane ticket and accommodations reserved and have no problem attending alone.

However.... I have been talking to a man I (literally) ran into during a race earlier in the month. I've never been extremely graceful and "Sam" helped me up after I tripped over my own feet. Sam dated a friend of mine in graduate school and we were in the same circle of friends before we all married and moved away.

Sam recently moved back to a city a few hours from mine and we caught up and talked for awhile after the race. He gave me his water to rinse off my scraped up knees, took my number to " make sure I don't bleed to death" and has been texting and calling 3-4 times a week .

Sam drove back to town last week and we went out for a great dinner. We have plans for next weekend to run a race together then to see a concert ( he is driving again) and he invited me to be his date at a wedding ( a co-worker's daughter) , Easter weekend in his town.

I like this man and I'd like to invite him to the anniversary party. The couple specifically suggested I invite him ( or bring any date I would like) .

Is this pursuing a man if I suggest or Invite him? How do I invite Sam ? He knows that I am going and has mentioned that he has been to the resort with his ex-wife, loved it," would go back in a heartbeat", etc.
All suggestions, advice and red flags are welcomed!

Thanks in advance- :); March 23, 2014 at 10:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Baffled,
Well dear, I think what possibly happened here is common and it happens a lot, without the woman even realizing it. Now what I'm about to say is not blaming you. Understand that and understand that this happens a lot and that you're not the only woman here who's had this happen.

But I think what happened here is - you became the aggressor and took the lead masculine role.

And when that happens, men get turned off dear :-( They don't even know why, but they do and the reason they do is because it feels unnatural to them. Men are attracted to feminine energy (submissive), not masculine energy (leading). THEY prefer to lead, and it also feels like a lot of pressure quick for them. It feels like the woman is expecting "relationship" communication (constant) when they're only "causally" dating (sporadic, occasional) and through this communication, it feels to them like the woman is trying to speed things along into relationship territory, so they pull back to slow things way down.

Because if you look at this, here's the outline of what I see. He disappeared. He circled back around. When he did, you were there....and then you jumped up and took the lead:

"about three and a half weeks ago, I received an email from him"

"texted him"

"I invited him around"

"I sent him.. a link"

"In the last 24hours I've sent him an email"

"then a text"

"I called"

He made ONE move dear (an email) - and then you made SIX.

You could look at it like this. Imagine someone tapping you on the shoulder (his email to you) and then that person turning around and chasing you down over the hill (6 efforts on your part). He "tapped" you and then you "charged" at him, ya' know? Again, I'm not blaming you here, it is what it is. This is common and it happens a lot. You're not the only woman on the planet that's had this happen, so please realize that. But you're asking and this is what I think happened and I'm only pointing this out to you because I'm trying to help, not blame.

But the reality here is that when a woman appears too eager dear, and then jumps into the lead role attempting to be the one to steer and speed the relationship along, men pull back from that. Add in a bit of emotion "an adorable youtube video of a guy that sang "Let It Go" from the Frozen movie" and a man hears alarm bells in his head, "Red alert, red alert..emotions, lots of communication and lots of expectations - run, run, run." LOL ;-) That's what a man hears when that's going on dear.

Cont...; March 23, 2014 at 11:15 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Women like that type of thing, but men are men, they're different and they don't get into that type of stuff. They don't get into the constant communication, being in touch daily, sharing emotions and "adorable" things - they just don't get into that stuff dear, because they're men and they're different from women. They have different needs. They need space, the don't like to face emotions too much, they like to be in the lead and pursue, they like to have to work to win things (hence they're love of sports and competition) and they need lots of space to experience their feelings. Men, unlike women, "feel" things during times of absence, so they need those absences to miss people and feel things for them. When they don't have that space, they don't feel their emotions. It's too much for them and they pull back from it - to forcefully take that space they need and to slow things down.

Your best bet here is to disappear on him dear. If/when he contacts you again, do not jump on that communication. Let a day or two go by before answering it and give him some room and give him the impression that you're NOT really looking for anything serious at this moment. Give him the impression that you're confident, you have a busy life of your own and that you're very busy as well. That will provide him some space to think and to take the time to make his next move. You have to give him the space to make a move himself and then you have to observe his behavior. You need to see if he calls you, if he asks you out, if he wants to talk to you, if he wants to make time for you...those are all signals that he's serious dear. And if he doesn't do those things, then you have your answer. But if you're the one doing all of the work to keep things motoring along, then he's got no opportunity to prove himself to you and you've got no opportunity to sit back and watch him to determine whether or not he's really serious about you ya' know?

The only way a woman can know if a man is truly interested....is to see if HE pursues HER ;-)

In the meantime, read this piece, written by a man: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; March 23, 2014 at 11:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Heidi,
"Is this pursuing a man if I suggest or Invite him?"

If he wasn't pursuing you already and calling you regularly and showing you that he's genuinely interested already - then yea, that'd be pursuing him. But in this instance, this guy's showing you that he's interested and he's following through with ACTIONS on the matter and approaching this traditionally, as a gentleman. So I believe in this particular instance, it's okay to put that out there.

I wouldn't ask him directly though. Instead, I think I'd mention the event again, and then simply say something to the effect of, "You know...you're welcome to join me if you'd like." And then leave that up to him. So you're not really asking, you're kind of cracking the door open instead :-); March 23, 2014 at 11:21 AM
Heidi said...: Thanks, Mirror. Excellent plan and ( as always) thank you :) I am going to bring up the trip/ anniversary party next weekend after we run unless I trip, collide into someone else and manage to injure myself again. LOL.

That will give him several weeks to get his plane ticket booked if he wants to go, too.

@ Gemini50: Thought of you & your resolution to not send/respond texts during work hours. I've been practicing this too ( why I didnt think of it on my own, I'll never know, but thank you!) and the one time Sam texted mid day, I waited until 8 pm to respond. He actually apologized for bothering me in the afternoon and has since started to ask when is a good time to "catch me or call" next.

Loving all of the wonderful advice I've received and have read on this site.
Thank you thank you!; March 23, 2014 at 6:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,
I regret not reading your articles before starting my online dating.
I met this guy online who I really liked and we have been texting each other for a month, I normally would wait for him to text first but every two or three times he tested first, I would be the first to text the following time. I am really into him and felt that he is felt the same but on a few occasions we teased each other and I ended up sending him sexy pics of me in a bra, but cropped off the face. We also discussed about sex online and shared on what we liked in bed.
I really regret doing what I did especially after reading your article.
I think I am to blame as it started off good when we first chatted, when he showed more interest in me and me less interest in him but some how the situation has sort of reversed.
I really need your advice on how I can salvage the situation when I think he is still interested.; April 13, 2014 at 6:19 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, I've come to u for advice before and it made such a difference in my life. Thank you. And that was only a month or two ago. I have a new dilemma. I am in a relationship and it's going great. We are about to move in together and he has even mentioned getting married down the road...and I know he's serious about it. And I am/was totally on board...he's an amazing guy and I love him very much. Or at least thought I did. I feel like I'm going crazy or maybe I don't even know what it really means to "Love" someone. This is why...I met a guy almost a year ago in Ireland and we hung out with some friends all night long. It was literally the best night of my life. He was sweet, funny, charming, handsome, smart and the best kisser! EVER! I left to come back home to the States. We are still friends but only talk randomly and always just hey how ya been...but yesterday when he sent me a message, it went from same old friendly chat to "I was a fool for not asking you to stay"...and then he said, "If you weren't in a relationship, I'd fly over there asap to spend more time with you, because I really believe we could have something amazing"...and it was exactly what I wanted to hear from him (just 8 months too late)...I shut the conversation down, and said, I'm sorry, I can't talk or think about this cuz im in a relationship, but honestly...I can't stop thinking about it. It was only one day, but our connection was so strong, if he would have asked me to stay, I would have. Maybe it would have worked, and maybe not. But, I definitely thought it was worth a shot. So, now, this is where im at. I feel so confused. I feel like a girl who always gets crushes even if she's in a relationship and it makes me sick...like I have no integrity. Im tired of this happening. I want to be true to myself but also true to someone else. This Irish guy is a total crazy long shot and a "hoop dream" even though my heart is yelling "Go for it!!!", but the guy im with is amazing, loving, caring, etc. What is with my fickle heart? How do I do the right thing here? Hell, what is the right thing here? So confused. Please help.; April 14, 2014 at 1:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous April 14, 1:37PM,
"I want to be true to myself but also true to someone else"

Then that's what you do dear, you remain true to the path that you're currently on, and don't act impulsively on dreamy notions. Instead, finish what you've currently started with the man you're currently seeing and save the Irish guy dream for a later time, if and when your current situation reaches a natural end.

"This Irish guy is a total crazy long shot and a "hoop dream" even though my heart is yelling "Go for it!!!"

I don't think that's your heart yelling that dear - I think it's probably your ego.

I don't mean that disrespectfully. I simply mean that we have our true "self" and then we have our alter "ego." And our ego as humans, many times is in control without us even realizing it (which is why spiritualists and ancient religions heavily push separating ourselves from it to find true happiness). The idea of a dreamy situation with the Irish guy is most likely appealing to your ego. Meaning, that great big fantasy that chews away at our minds...our "moment in the sun." But our true selves demand much more than fleeting elation. Our true selves demand exactly what you're struggling with and yearn for, "I want to be true to myself." And that's why it's a struggle for you...it's the age old struggle for contentment, peace of mind and happiness (that our ego would mistakenly have us believe comes from others, when indeed, it actually comes from within ourselves.)

"How do I do the right thing here?"

That depends on what you think the "right" thing is. Is the right thing for you finding peace of mind, contentment and happiness? Or is the right thing chasing dreams that may be slightly out of reach and possibly unattainable and maybe even slightly disappointing once achieved?

One approach is "safe and stable" (true self) while the other is "risky and uncertain" (ego driven).

When people get caught up in the "thrill of the chase" many times dear, once the chase is over and the reality sets in, they find that their original vision was a glorified version that wasn't realistic. And once the reality sets in, disappointment follows because it wasn't the glorified situation originally imagined.

Additionally, once attained, the "risk and uncertainty" are gone. And a new "uncertain risk" is needed to again feed the ego and derive the thrill. And many times what happens is that individuals get caught up in this loop that never ends - one of taking risks chasing uncertain things, again and again and again - never truly achieving peace of mind, contentment and happiness...because that proves ever elusive therefore, demanding a constant chase and a constant need for new experiences to feed it.

Happiness, most times, comes from the ability to appreciate and be grateful for what you have, regardless of how little or how wonderful that may be.

Unhappiness, most times, comes from the inability to appreciate what you have right in front of you, therefore, sending the individual on a constant chase for fulfillment derived from others and outside experiences...rather than from within, which is where it truly originates :-)

You may be in love with the romanticized "idea" of being in love and the thrill that new experiences provide that feeds that idealized fantasy type vision. But the reality is that the love you seek...is already present in your life. You can chose to appreciate it and value it and stay true to it - or you can chose to disavow it, and chase the idealized romanticized vision....forever.

That's the beauty of life dear and what makes us different from any other living being on the face of this earth...the gift of free will :-); April 28, 2014 at 3:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much, Mirror. I have been checking everyday since the earlier post for your response and thank you for your words of wisdom. I never saw the "ego" part of it...just kept telling myself that I was an unfortunate product of watching to many Disney movies. However, you were dead on and I will read this everyday until it fully sinks in and I will most certainly stay faithful to the person I'm with and let this relationship take its "natural course" and see where it leads. I am the queen of hasty decisions, but at least I am aware of that now and trying to remedy it.

Thanks again for all that you do. - Katie; April 28, 2014 at 4:45 PM
Anonymous said...: So, I had a one night stand with my roommates friend about a year ago. I am pretty firm on my sex policy. I'm either one and done or I'min a committed relationship. This hahappened 8 months ago. I don't initiate contact with him and when he hangs out with my roommate I still just do my own thing and usually leave. He literally initiates contact with me at least once a week or more. Usually inside jokes I may or may not respond to. But there's also a lot of personal reaching out he does about life etc.I can tell he's trying to connect with me emotionally, but I'm kind of thinking- um, if you want to date me, ask me out bro! I feel like we have this awkward teenager text relationship. I thought it was understood we could be friendly but nothing more. But his messages as of late have been like, "did I do something wrong? I feel like you hurry and leave every time I'm over." And once I said no, I'm just busy when you've been here nothing personal. Now his messages have gotten more flirty. I'm always coy and deter them back to innocence, but I can't figure out why he does this nonchalant constant, "text her sometimes, stay fresh in her mind, don't actually ask her out, but try to connect emotionally, and when she reciprocates disappear for a few days-bull shit." What is his deal? What do I do? I can't avoid seeing him. We're going on a big house boat trip in a few weeks and I'm struggling between his games (or what I think is his game) and how to act. There is definitely sexual tension and I do like him. But I know he's a player and I can't figure out if he actually likes me because I don't feed into him or if he genuinely doesn't know if I'm interested. Help! He's a Capricorn and 16 yrs older than me. I'm a Pisces.; May 10, 2014 at 4:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 10, 4:31 PM,
Well, as you've stated dear, he's a player. And while players actually give the illusion that they're self-confident, in reality, secretly they're very insecure...which is why they resort to game playing to win women over, instead of being their true selves and authentic. Secretly inside they feel that if they are their true selves and they are authentic, no one will like them. So instead, they feel they need to resort to game playing in order to get someone's attention.

And the game is meant to draw you in, to get YOU to chase HIM because he doesn't really have the courage or confidence to be authentic and take the lead. It's their way of proceeding along the lines of a "sure thing" in that, if the woman does give chase, they know it's now a sure thing and they won't fail. And it's that fear of failure, that insecurity, that causes the games in the first place. And that's the main reason why players have a "rotation" of women that they circle back around to, time and again, staying in touch, staying on the woman's radar, to keep a constant stream of attention coming their way - to make themselves feel good about themselves because secretly, inside they don't feel good about themselves and they're actually very insecure.

If you know he's truly a player dear, dating a man like that isn't worth it. He'll constantly be testing your boundaries, constantly toying with your emotions to receive attention from his antics to boost his ego and make him feel better about himself...and he'll drive you nuts and have YOU doing all the work to keep the relationship going eventually.

If I were you, I wouldn't bother with this guy any further. Particularly if your gut is also telling you he's a player. But if you are unsure and want to test him further, stand your ground, don't give in and give chase, and challenge him to be a better man by standing your ground, and forcing him to step up to formally ask you out.; May 11, 2014 at 9:50 AM
Anonymous said...: I have a question. This guy that is my brothers friend began liking my photos on instagram/FB. Than, after commenting on a photo, he asked me if I want to hang out and to let him know when I would be home, since I am about to graduate from college. After saying that sounds great, literally 10 minutes later, he FB messages me and says that he wants to catch up with me. We then proceeded to talk for at least an hour (of course with some pauses) about what is going on in our lives..and he wrote these lengthy responses about his jobs and what he is doing now. He was also being super, super flirty and using emoticons. However, after one of my comments, he stopped responding and I figured he was working or busy. After a few days, my friends told me that my last comments seemed to friend zone him, so I wrote a FB message to him saying what days I would be back and that it would be nice to catch yup. He wrote back saying that he couldn't wait. Then, we proceeded to talk about each others days. However, again, after one of my posts, which I ended with saying goodnight, he stopped responding and didn't respond back, even after seeing it. I let another 4 days go by and then one of my roommates said that I should send him something flirty/funny. So, I did. It seemed to get his attention and he seemed like he really wanted to know what I was going to say. But, then, right after I posted it, he never responded (I am assuming he went to bed). After reading this article, I am just wondering if I blew my chances with this guy? Everytime I tell myself that I am going to stop initiating things, one of my friends suggests something that sounds like a good idea..maybe I should just stop listening to other people, haha. He did initiate everything first, but I have contacted him twice since then. He still responds a decent amount, but I am definitely not that desperate girl and don't want to come off that way. I guess I just want advice about what you think he is doing and where I stand with this particular guy? Do you think he is interested or just playing games for his own kicks and giggles? Thanks so much.; May 13, 2014 at 2:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 13, 2:24 AM,
I think he's extremely insecure dear. He lacks confidence so he's reading into any and everything you send along to him. And anything that he deems "friend" or that seems to him a "rejection" of sorts, even if it isn't, that's how he's interpreting it because he's insecure. And then once he deems it rejection, he runs off in a cowardly way, instead of playing it cool and proceeding.

Newsflash dear - if you keep listening to those well-meaning friends of yours, they're going to have you chasing this guy all over the planet and doing ALL the work here to keep this thing alive eventually, LOL.

Remember this as a woman dear - if you feel that you need to remind a man that you exist...then that's a man you don't want to be with. Why? Because if he makes you feel that way early on, you'll feel that way the entire time you date him. It'll be YOU doing all the work, all the time, dancing around like a circus monkey attempting to keep this man's attention. That will destroy your self-esteem in no time and leave you feeling worthless. I know your friends mean well dear, but yea, don't listen to them LOL. Because like I said, if you do, they'll have you working like crazy to keep this guy's attention. And if you have to remind a man that you exist...as I stated, that isn't a man you want to be with.

Particularly one that's this insecure, reading into very casual comments the way he is regularly, and then running away when he deems them as "not interested" or "rejection." Dating him would be exactly like that dear - and it would be absolutely exhausting. The guy would be a TON of work emotionally and otherwise because he would constantly need reassured. He would constantly be reading into things, constantly experiencing hurt feelings, constantly sulking and/or behaving strangely, and you would have to put a lot of work in just to hang on and keep this guy pumped up enough to keep going. Because it appears that unless this man gets constant signals of a "sure thing" here...he's going to act up.

Anyone that signals that heavy of a "need" dear, is most likely going to end up being a ton of work to maintain. So seriously give this some thought. This man knows where to find you. When he contacts you, you respond. That's all the green lights a man should need to proceed. He's acting like a baby by backing off rudely and going silent the minute he thinks he's "friend" zoned when in reality he's not, and he's behaving extremely insecure - and if you dated him, that's exactly what it'd be like dear if everything didn't go perfectly his way...lots of work.; May 13, 2014 at 8:05 AM
anonymous said...: Thank you for advice. I appreciate it, however, I guess I am still confused and this will be the last message I swear, lol. He seems very confident to me though. I guess I just don't understand why he sought me out so strongly that one night and then, after talking for an hour (about our lives and he was being super flirty~ by giving me complements, using emoticons, and etc), stopped responding (he is a firefighter/paramedic so he goes to bed at certain times), and then completely ignoring the last response I sent. Is he doing that on purpose and not as interested as I thought? But, when I mentioned about getting together and can't wait getting together, he stated neither could he, which gave me the impression of him being interested. But, I guess it is just confusing when it seems like I have been initiating the last 2 times....our conversations go well, he seems to be open and sharing things about himself, like difficulties at his work and he talks maturely for being in his early 20s,..however, I guess the problem is just when it seems like he needs to go to bed, he doesn't say anything and leaves me hanging...furthermore, he never responds to my last comment, which makes me think he is not interested...I don't want to be annoying, so I just decided to wait and see if he responds to me...I guess I just want to be told that I am not crazy for thinking that he is interested..haha, your help/advice is most appreciated. =); May 13, 2014 at 9:08 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm just a reader and fan of this site, especially cuz MOA has helped me so much when she answered my questions, but you sound a lot like me and things I've gone through with a certain guy.

I'd love to reply and first say, remember who you are. A strong and beautiful woman who any guy would be lucky to have. Second, don't let anyone steal your peace. This guy is eating away at your peace of mind. Stop letting him.

Bottom line...the fact that he regularly just stops texting you mid-conversation...well, maybe he's busy, or maybe he fell asleep, maybe this and maybe that. Or maybe, he's just RUDE!!! That is so rude. And I'm sorry, if a guy is kind, considerate, and Crazy about you...that kind of behavior would not happen.

Why would we keep settling for less than we deserve?

Secondly, even though he says he can't wait to get together, he hasn't done a damn thing about it. Don't you want a guy who's got enough guts to pick up the phone and ask you out? Don't you deserve that.

You have clearly showed and expressed your interest. If he doesn't seriously initiate and pick up the phone and ask you out on a real date, then he is not worth all of your precious time, so stop giving it to him.

Don't even know if this will get posted for you to see, but if it does, I hope it helps. You have shown your interest and that's enough. It may be that he's just not that into you. That's honestly what it seems like. You stroke his ego by letting him know your interested, but then he does absolutely nothing about it!!!! Girl, if he was really into you, he will make plans with you. Bottom line. Stop stressing over this guy and go have some fun! Get out there with your girls and meet some new guys. You deserve a guy that says, "Wow! This girl is awesome! I've got to get to know her better". That kind of guy will ask you to dinner and not take no for an answer! LOL. As Mirror told me once, this guy is lethargic. He's not doing ANYTHING! Forget him. Find someone worthy of your time. If by some miracle, he totally steps up to the plate and asks you out, then go and see what happens, but play it cool and see if he's really interested in you or more interested in getting his ego stroked and having the attention all on him. This guy really does sound like more work than he's worth, dear. Good luck! - Kate; May 14, 2014 at 12:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Wow, you rock. Thanks for that! I hate to be that person that needs outsiders to tell her what is up, but I guess I am there, haha. After the third time here, which was on Monday, that happened (since this only started last week) I pretty much felt the same way. And, I really have been enjoying reading this article, as well as some others that MOA has written. It has inspired me to start recognizing when I get this way to continue being the awesome woman I know I am. I am completely stopping all contact with him (not even liking his instagram photos or fb posts...in fact, I am taking a hiatus from FB, since I feel like I have, lately, been so attached to my new smartphone...and I am DEFINITELY not that girl who lets a guy do this or waits around..I think it is because I have been so focused in school and now that I am graduating from college on Saturday, that the first guy who gave me attention really appealed to me and made me jump at the chance for a possibility...you are BOTH right, I deserve better and I am not going to waste another second on this individual...if he comes back and actually follows through with hanging out, then great, if not, oh well, his lose. Thanks for helping to redirect my priorities (i,e. myself) and for guiding me towards the light again, haha. Much appreciated; May 14, 2014 at 2:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I wasn't sure where to write this so just decided to do it here. Here's the short story. I dated a guy for three years. We got married when I was 23. I thought he was the one. I waited to have sex til I was married and on my honeymoon he gave me Herpes. I tried to stay with him cuz he said he didn't know, but honestly it devastated me so much that I couldn't stay. That - and he changed a lot when we tied the know. Very controlling and unkind, etc...So, now, the predicament. Every time I start dating someone I have to tell them this. At least by the 3rd date and before anything sexual happens. And it's really hard.

Recently, I totally fell for this guy. Friends first and long distance. Then we had one date and he kissed me. Since it's long distance and I didn't exactly trust myself to see him again without more happening, I went ahead and told him. He thanked me for telling him and said he really respected me for being honest. I said something like, I know you need to think about this and decide how you feel about it. I gave him the stats about how it's very preventable to spread but there's always a chance and I wanted him to be aware etc...He slipped in the conversation how..."I wouldn't stop talking to you over this, etc"..

Anyway, that was over 2 weeks ago. I only talked to him briefly since then on a silly facebook. I said "cool post" on his wall, he said "yeah, this guys hilarious"...etc...we had one or two of those and that's it.

I haven't heard from him since. I feel like I just ruined everything and I really like this guy. I don't know what to do. I know I can't make anyone feel differently or control anyone, but I wish he would still want to pursue something with me because I really like who he is...and he likes me a lot except for this apparently. but who could blame him.

would love some advice here. I haven't contacted him because I thought he might need time to think it through and miss me or do his own research, but I realize it may have simply just been a deal breaker for him and I have to accept that. Or do I? What does a girl do? It makes me feel like damaged goods. This doesn't represent who I am or the choices I have made for my life, but now it's my burden too. Please help.; May 15, 2014 at 3:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 15, 3:26 PM,
I'm really sorry that this happened to you dear. And I'm sorry that your ex-husband's absolute carelessness affected your life so deeply. But I'm happy to hear that you're not doing the same and being careless towards others yourself.

Here's the thing dear. Three dates and getting sexual is WAY too early. STD or not, racing into sex is the path towards "hookup" territory, not a lasting relationship. A lasting relationship requires a different path, different actions, and a courtship period where the two genuinely get to know and care for one another BEFORE entering into a sexual relationship.

Telling these men about this so very early on, before they're emotionally attached to you, gives them the opportunity to get out BEFORE they get to know you, before they get to see all of the great qualities about you, and before they get to have fun with you and bond emotionally with you (men don't bond during sex, they can have sex with inanimate objects, themselves, animals (I know, gross) etc. without feeling a thing). And what you need is for someone to truly know you, to have truly bonded emotionally with you first, before telling them and entering into a sexual relationship with them. You need for someone to care enough about you, to overlook that and be willing to work through it with you in order to have a relationship with you. And that is simply something that does not, and will not, happen by the third date with a man.

My suggestion dear, would be to first remove the pressure of this situation from yourself. So that you can be your true self and bond with someone without this hanging over your head, giving yourself more time to have fun with a man first, prior to even thinking about entering into a sexual relationship with him. Rather than the instant pressure of the 3rd date revelation....I'd make that 60 days - a 60 or even 90 day revelation.

First of all, studies from Dr. Wendy Walsh showed that if a woman sleeps with a man in the first 30 days, 90% of those folks a year later were NOT together. However, couples that waited at least 30 days, 24% of them were together a year later. The study went on to discover that the longer the couple waited, the higher the percentage of them that were together a year later. So faster sex leads to hookup territory and brief flings and affairs. Slower sex leads to long term relationships and a future together.

Those are the stats without an STD dear. Meaning, even without that in the picture, the fast track to sex is also the fast track to singledom. So two things needs to happen here. The first is, you have to wait much, much longer than 3 dates to start a sexual relationship with someone if you want a lasting relationship with them. Second, due to the STD, you'll want to wait even a bit longer than that before revealing something that personal about yourself to someone. Not just anyone can be trusted with that information dear, particularly complete strangers you've only seen 3 times. You have no clue what they'll do with that very sensitive, personal information about you, particularly in this day and age of social media - so don't trust complete strangers with it. Don't tell them something that personal about yourself before YOU can trust THEM with that information.

Remove the 3rd date pressure and replace it with a 60 - 90 day date instead. Do not get sexually involved with a man before that. If they walk away from you because you won't kick it to them, then they're not the guy for you anyway, as they were only in it for sex and probably intended to use you for it.

Cont...; May 16, 2014 at 8:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: By waiting, you're filtering out those who aren't serious and are just looking to get laid anyway, and you're replacing them with genuinely interested men, who like you for you. Who like being with you, who are emotionally bonding with you, and who are willing to wait for you and go at your pace. And then - and ONLY then - once they truly care for you as a person, you sit them down and reveal your truth to them. Expect them to be taken off guard. Expect that maybe even initially, their first reaction might be to walk away. However, trust in yourself dear and your great qualities. Trust that even if they do initially react that way, their feelings for you will bring them back to you - or make them overlook it and be willing to work through it in the first place.

As with anything, there are no guarantees in life dear. However, telling complete strangers this about yourself after only 3 times of ever seeing them....that will never work dear, because at that point, they're not "connected" to you yet emotionally. They have no feelings for you at that point. Wait for the man who has feelings for you to come along, and only trust HIM with that information about yourself dear.; May 16, 2014 at 8:04 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you, MOA.; May 16, 2014 at 8:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi again. I have a follow-up question. Do you think I should contact this guy that I told about the Herpes? Like I said, we were pretty good friends before this and just went on that one date and he was wanting a second before I told him. Is there a way to break the ice here? Or is this a lost cause?

I will take your advice about slowing things down whether it is with him (I hope) or someone in the future.

Thanks again.; May 16, 2014 at 12:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 16, 12:46 PM,
I wouldn't touch that one right now dear, give him some time. I just fear you may be walking into something there if you do. So just give him some time to process this. If he truly intends to be your friend, he'll see your great qualities and he'll be back dear :-); May 16, 2014 at 5:59 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Anonymous 5/15 3:32p
I thought I’d post some support for you dear. You didn’t ruin anything. You were honest. To Ms. Mirror’s suggestion, probably honest too soon with this guy because his NC has had a negative impact on you, but in no way, shape or form did you ruin anything. You have learned a great lesson – to keep not only this physical condition, but also anything else private of nature, to yourself until the person on the receiving end has been tested, has earned your trust, and needs to know.

As info, I had a 2 yr relationship with a guy (Aquarius) who had the herpes virus. We had met 10 yrs prior, became friends and communicated for about 6 months before he POOF’d -- nothing physical happened between us. Ten years later, Aquarius reappeared. During our first in-person reunion (after emailing and chatting on the phone for about a month) he told me in tears of him having herpes. I appreciated his honesty, but I certainly was not ready to hear that – a sexual relationship with him wasn’t even on my radar -- and his explanation (words) of how his wife gave it to him 20+ yrs ago via oral was really TMI – it was all too much, and I really wanted to run.

But I also felt compassion towards him and his anguish.

He lived 150 miles South of me. I thought we’d just be friends who saw each other casually when he travelled through town (I was at the half-way point between him and his parents 150 miles North of me.) Needless to say, I was very naïve. He had other intentions and I didn’t test him before I got sucked in emotionally.

As soon as I realized the friendship was becoming more, I made an appointment with my gynecologist and talked with her about my concerns; she recommended a book (I don’t remember the title), but it was good info for me to learn about the virus, what to look for and how to protect myself.

I thought long and hard before I went to bed with Aquarius, and we ensured we used protection EVERY SINGLE TIME. I recognized and appreciated his equal concern for my health -- that was the one thing he clearly stepped up to as a “man.”

Although this relationship only lasted about 2 years, the breakup had NOTHING to do with the virus.

Ms. Mirror has given some great advice dear to you and a great reminder to us all. We don’t have to share any personal information with anyone until we have tested them and they have passed AND we are at a point in the relationship where we should – which Ms. Mirror explains to all of us that we should be waiting a whole lot longer than we have been before sharing our bodies with another.

Give this man time to process the information and come back if he chooses dear. In the meantime, keep taking care of yourself on your journey.

I wish you the best. HUGS; May 16, 2014 at 10:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you. Gemini50 and MOA, I really appreciate all the kind words and heartfelt advice. I have had it for six years but feel like this is the first time i've actually made any progress emotionally in dealing with it. It utterly devastated the little self-worth I had at the time. I stayed with my ex for 2 years after finding out (even thought i wanted to truly wanted to leave) because i didn't think anyone else would want me after. I know now that this isn't true, but admit I had no clue how to go about having another relationship and how to deal with this subject until now. All I could think was that I didn't want to do to anyone what he did to me, so I would just tell them pretty quickly. I guess it almost felt unfair to them to wait to long to tell them, like getting them to REALLY like me and then throwing that in their face was unfair to them and wasting their time. But I realize now that it's not. They can walk away anytime they want and it's not a waste of anyone's time to get to know me, even if they don't want a relationship after they find out.

Also, I know it's "private information" but honestly, i've finally come to terms with it and it doesn't bother me for people to know. I don't go around just telling anyone, but it's not something i see as "taboo" or try to keep hidden. I almost feel like if people are more aware that it can happen to even me who was a virgin when she got married and just didn't make her husband get tested, then maybe others will be more cautious and if i help to prevent one person from going through what I have, then I will feel like it was worth it to be more open about it. I know this isn't everyone's perspective, but it has helped me to be more ok with myself.

It was just really tricky on the relationship end cuz i never knew when the right time was. Oh, and I haven't contacted him and won't. I guess we'll see what happens :)

Thanks again for everything! For making us all a little wiser and stronger. Ever since reading this article and asking for advice, I carry my head a little higher and have a lot more confidence. Just want you to know...you are making a real difference in my life...and I'm sure many others.; May 17, 2014 at 5:01 PM
Anonymous said...: I have recently been the one to contact this guy I've been dating for 2 months. He's into it when we are together and he likes to catch up. I don't text him constantly and don't text again if he doesn't reply. I am guilty of some of these things. I think its going okay, but could be better. He calls me pet names and all of that. But it feels stagnant and I feel if I keep going on how I am I will drive him away.

After 2 months is it too late to turn the tides and take this advice ? Will he notice a change and change how he reacts to things? Or is whatever damage it is that's done. Is it too late?; May 19, 2014 at 11:25 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Anonymous,

I think it depends on what's behind his failure to take the lead and his level of interest. If you pull back you will know and that's what Ms Mirror advocates as the measure to gauge if a man is really interested in you...

In answer to your question I don't think it's too late but depends on the above also. In the past when I found the site I managed to turn a situation around pulled back and the guy did step up. However, underlying the whole hanging back on his part, were some issues I think quite possibly to do with getting into a relationship, keeping his options open mentality etc So although it did turn around and he did step up to a certain degree because there was other stuff there anyway, he never stepped up fully and it was temporary...

but in your case you need to take your power back and do it - pull back because you need to know if he's really interested and this is the only way of knowing...and see what happens

Good luck; May 20, 2014 at 9:25 AM
Unknown said...: Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,

I have been meeting this one guy and I do like him. We've been on 4 dates. Our first date was really casual and light, we went for coffee. Few days later he contacted me and we met up for dinner and drinks. We had a great time. 2 weeks later, he contacted me and we set up a third date, which he offered to pick me up but I didnt let him since I had things to do before hand. We went to a restaurant close by my house and grabbed drinks after that. When he walked me to my car, he kissed me. A week later, he contacts me and we set up a fourth date. We met for dinner and drinks after again. He walked me to the nearest subway and kissed me again. I read your article about not initiating communication until he does and thats what I have been doing. But I was wondering if my current situation with him makes it seem like I'm not interested? Because he only contacts me when he wants to see me. I do want to meet him again but it has been over a week and no communication from him. Does this mean he's not interested? Or does it not mean anything in particular and hes probably just busy? Should I just wait and see? Thank you.; June 2, 2014 at 11:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Amy,
He's casually dating you dear. He's not rushing into a relationship.

"I was wondering if my current situation with him makes it seem like I'm not interested?"

Well, do you normally spend time on a date with men you're not interested in? I highly doubt that a woman who isn't interested would accept a man's date invitation and join him on dates - repeatedly. Your choice to accompany him and accept his invitations signals interest. You don't have to jump into the guy's lap or bonk him over the head with a big giant "interest" sign...saying yes to his invitations and then spending time with him on dates is more than enough to signal interest :-)

Refrain from the desire that I believe is probably creeping in right now to take control of the situation by attempting to speed things up and move them along via initiating communication and stepping into the lead. Don't do that, things are going along exactly as they should right now, so there's nothing needed except patience dear :-)

You can't expect relationship communication (daily, regularly) when you're only casually dating (sporadically, occasionally). So don't try to pump it up to relationship speed when right now, it's casual dating. Let him lead and set the pace here - and all you have to do is sit back, say yes or no and decide when/if you want to join him or not. You don't have to "do" anything...sit back, relax and enjoy the situation :-); June 3, 2014 at 9:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Okay so I don't do the whole needy thing, good morning texts, text him for no reason, but it is always me initiating the hang out. I'll text him that day with a simple "let's hang" and he always says yes. I once waited two weeks to see if he would ask me, but he never did. So I asked him again. What's he trying to pull? Should I have waited longer than two weeks? I've been seeing him for a few months now but I wish he would pursue me; June 3, 2014 at 7:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 3, 7:24 PM,
"I've been seeing him for a few months now but I wish he would pursue me"

I hope you're not looking at this as a relationship dear. "Hanging out" is hookup territory. It's not true dating and hanging out regularly and even sleeping together regularly does not instantly translate into a committed relationship with a man. Particularly if you pulled back for two weeks and he never initiated contact. That's not a man that considers himself "taken" unfortunately :-(

True dating includes courtship:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

And courtship is more or less a mating ritual for human beings. Courtship includes dates, special treatment, time spent, a desire to make time for one another...it's very important. Folks nowadays try to skip over the entire courtship phase but the reality is that when that's the case, things that start off fast and hot burn out just as quickly :-(

"Should I have waited longer than two weeks?"

If you really want to know if this man cares or not...disappear on him. Consider using no contact:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

There's no guarantee it'll draw him towards you, but I can guarantee you'll get a better grasp on the situation and by the end of it...you'll have your answer and you'll know what you need to do :-); June 4, 2014 at 6:00 PM
pisces girl said...: Hey Mirror - I met this guy ive been texting just recently a couple years ago at a wine and food festival and we were never in a relationship but because I have an awful memory I think he had said something to piss me off and I told him to stop messaging me(he lives in another city as well)but Im not even sure if the last time we had communication ended on a bad note or not I even asked him a couple of times but he never told me-anyways point is he recently resurfaced and he messaged me on watsapp. Ive been single for a while now and I realized from reading posts like this that I was once the poster child for how to make a man run for the hills lol but id like to think know better now and will do better and I don't wanna mess this one up-he seems like a nice respectful guy, hes a first year law student, a couple years older than me, and we both like good wine and beautiful scenic places...so he resurfaced about a week ago and we've been messaging back and forth but im tryin to keep it to a minimum- short and brief because I don't want him to get too used to texting. I told him I prefer communicating by speaking on the phone or in person..so how long do I give him to pick up the phone and call me? I realize he lives in another city a few hours away but if a guy is interested he shouldn't worry about long distance charges to try and get to know someone better..and I think hes been testing me by sometimes taking a long period of time to respond and that frustrates me so I in turn take just as long to reply ...I really don't wanna play games mirror I m too old for that and I don't have time to waste..im just scared-scared of messing up again but I wanna play it cool and let him be the man and initiator; June 7, 2014 at 1:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"I really don't wanna play games mirror I m too old for that and I don't have time to waste..im just scared-scared of messing up again but I wanna play it cool and let him be the man and initiator"

It's not a game dear, let him set the pace, that's what's going to signal his level of interest anyway (fast means highly interested, slow means he's unconcerned). He lives far away and zooming into something here isn't realistic anyway. And if you're worried about messing up, don't reach out. It's that simple. Free your mind from fooling you into thinking you have to "do, do, do" things here - because you don't. He contacted you, he started this. You don't have to do anything - but respond if you want to :-); June 9, 2014 at 5:42 PM
pisces girl said...: thanks mirror this is the first day since we started texting like a week ago where he hasn't been the one to message me first I think hes waiting to see if I will first but he'll be waiting a while because I wont! plus I worked all day and im tired and I know hes been off work for a vacation so he has time!! anyways we'll see how this one plays out-ill keep you posted:-) thanks xo; June 9, 2014 at 7:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey mirror I am dating a guy since years and he hasn't told me I love you yet but he kisses me and we even had sex. He has been dumped by his ex-girlfriend whom he said I love you to. I am totally lost about him. He acts really nice by his actions but he never promises me about the future. We had couple of break ups in the past but we get back together. He does not even pressurize me for sex. Do I still continue or move on.; June 14, 2014 at 4:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Can I just ask you, I've been reading on the posts today and on my PC a box keeps coming up asking me for my authentication and e-mail, something to do with semister or something do you know if this is a scam or a new procedure?

Thanks; June 16, 2014 at 5:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 16, 5:33 AM,
I have nothing like that installed on the site. It sounds like a virus of some sort possibly, a pop-up virus.; June 16, 2014 at 8:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror, I'm just reading the posts but it's not done it this time. I think it must be a pop-up virus as you say - does that mean that my PC has a virus do you know? Or can these pop-ups just happen randomly to anyone at anytime?

thank you; June 16, 2014 at 2:16 PM
star said...: hi mirror, I feel stuck,his an old flame,moved away.alrhough we talk on and off,i must admitI have
persued him since his moved away.also resurfaces everytime I back off and getting to the point of moving

then were back to talking and back to square one...now he ignores my messages or selective response.
.really cconfusing, he offered to fly me out to spend time,now I message him about that I get ignored.please help; June 16, 2014 at 3:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I think I got the situation straightened out ladies...it appeared to be a malfunctioning widget on the site. Hopefully, the pop up won't continue happening anymore :-); June 16, 2014 at 5:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Star,
Read this piece first dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And then this one next:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Those should both help you understand what needs to be done :-); June 16, 2014 at 5:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have been reading your blog for awhile and following your suggestions. I do have similar midset and never find problem following these rules.

But recently I had 2 guys said that I never initiated contact. One of them I really liked. It was a very short time, only 2 weeks, he pursued me intensely, I could tell that he likes me a lot and he did tell me that too. He initiated contact every day from morning to good night, all our conversation has been fun and engaging. He asked me out for total 3 dates in the 2 weeks, and there were twice he tried to ask me out but I turned them down. On the third date, we kissed each other. He invited me to visit his house but I said I wasn't comfortable to do that yet, he seemed ok with that too. Although there were some reg flags like he called me honey from second date, said we may get married one day in a jokingly way, but later he asked me if I was ok with being called honey, so I let it go.

Until few days ago he suddenly stop texting me for 2 days. I kept silent and at the end of the second day of his "disappearing", he sent me a long text to share his feeling with our connection, said that I never text him first even I didn't hear from him (seems like he disappeared for 2 days to test me), my no initiating contact and playful attitude made him feel he was just a source of fun to me and he can't see us together because he doesn't know whether he can take me seriously. He only wants a relationship so he had to let me go.

I replied that I agree I like being playful, but that doesn't mean I don't know when and where in life to be serious; and I thought he likes dancing, where in the whole dynamic man leads and girl follows, that's why I do not initiate contac. Even after my response, he still decided to end everything with me.

I know that could be just some excuses he found to break off, the real reason might be he just want to get into "relationship" as fast enough to get sex. But at least he did not choose to just disappear on me. He respected me as a woman. I accepted his decision as there is no point to explain further but I do feel upset, He is a very fun and nice guy, do I just hold the rules too tight to miss out a man I like? Or is there something that I don't understand about men?

I need your guide, Mirror, although I kept telling myself that he doesn't understand deeper feelings, it's nobody's fault. But I doubt is there a man will have such kind of deeper feelings? He isn't the first man throw me such problems. Thank you.

Annie; June 25, 2014 at 5:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Annie,
"I had 2 guys said that I never initiated contact"

That's a good thing in that - they've noticed that you're different from other women. It's a bad thing in that - they're signaling they're a bit unsure of themselves and lack confidence. It signals that they're used to women chasing and that they may not be as well versed in feminine ways as they may think, because feminine subtlety isn't working, it's not sinking in with them...instead, they need to be bonked on the head that you like them - because they're not able to pick up on the subtle green lights they're getting.

You shouldn't have to bonk a man on the head to signal you're interested. Answering their calls, responding to their texts, accepting their date requests, smiling and laughing when you're with them....that's IT. That's all a hot blooded male should need. Because anyone with half a brain knows that if someone isn't interested, they don't answer the phone, don't respond to texts, don't accept date requests and don't enjoy the time spent with them. These men who signal they need more than that to "get it" are actually signaling that they're insecure and unsure of themselves, so they need a big bonk on the head (i.e. a woman throwing herself at him) in order for them to "get it."

"On the third date, we kissed each other. He invited me to visit his house...Although there were some reg flags"

Inviting a woman to your home on a 3rd date (hinting at sexual expectations) combined with a "need" for you to contact him, makes for an even bigger red flag. Gentlemen don't disrespect women by inviting them into an uncomfortable and compromising situation on the 3rd date - when you're still virtual strangers.

"he suddenly stop texting me for 2 days...said that I never text him first even I didn't hear from him"

Let the games begin LOL. Yep, he's testing you - to get YOU to chase HIM.

"my no initiating contact and playful attitude made him feel he was just a source of fun to me and he can't see us together because he doesn't know whether he can take me seriously. He only wants a relationship so he had to let me go."

That doesn't make one ounce of sense to me. Hmm, let's see...she accepts my calls, responds to my texts, accepts my date invitations and enjoys herself and laughs and has fun when we're together....this isn't working. WTF? That's manipulation and him showing he's incredibly insecure (needs a woman to jump into his lap). You know what that is?

Here's the translation: "You never threw yourself at me and when I tried to sleep with you on the 3rd date and you wouldn't....I decided I wasn't going to get laid easily here, so I gave up because I don't intend to work or earn any of that. It has to come easy or I'm walking."

"Even after my response, he still decided to end everything with me."

Because he realizes that YOU ARE SERIOUS and that because of that, you're not going to jump into bed with him. I do not believe this man is seeking a relationship, I believe he's seeking sex. If he truly wanted a relationship, everything here was going just fine and as it should be to lead up to one. But he doesn't want that, he wants to get laid and when that didn't happen by the 3rd date, he came up with this weird spin on it and bailed....just like players will do.

Cont...; June 26, 2014 at 8:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "the real reason might be he just want to get into "relationship" as fast enough to get sex"

See...even you are sensing it as well. This guy's full of crap and he tried to fast lane you into believing you'd be in a relationship with him if you'd have slept with him. And when you didn't fall for that, he knew you were serious and he wasn't going to get laid easily...so he split.

"at least he did not choose to just disappear on me. He respected me as a woman"

True, he could've just disappeared without explanation.

"He is a very fun and nice guy, do I just hold the rules too tight to miss out a man I like?"

You need to focus more on a man that's RIGHT for you dear, not simply one that you like. Hell, you can meet men you like regularly. But meeting the RIGHT man is not as simple. This guy was throwing red flags up all over the place. Had you proceeded, you know how this would've probably ended? He probably would've slept with you maybe twice, then he would've said, "I like you, but this isn't working. You want more than I can give, so I'm leaving." Because I guarantee you the minute you'd have slept with him and then actually expected him to treat you as if you're in a relationship...this guy would've bailed.

"Or is there something that I don't understand about men?"

No dear...there's things that you're ignoring, overlooking, dismissing, and giving the benefit of doubt on that you shouldn't be. Again, this man was throwing up red flags signaling he was out for sex and instead of recognizing that, you're more focused on what you did wrong. When you should be focused on what you did right here....which was protect yourself from being used sexually and in doing so, you sniffed him out and beat him at his own game.

"I doubt is there a man will have such kind of deeper feelings?"

Not true dear...the RIGHT man will.

"He isn't the first man throw me such problems"

Because he's probably not the first player seeking to use you for sex that you've ever met either dear. Just because a man is friendly doesn't mean he's a great guy. When a man attempts to use you for sex (invites you back to his place on the 3rd date) and then leaves you when he doesn't get it...he's not a good man dear - he's a user who bails when things don't go his way.

You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about here. These tactics WORKED for you and just protected you from being used sexually. See this for what it is, not for what you wanted it to be. And what this is, is you coming out on top, having protected yourself properly from being used and sending a player walking.

You have nothing to be sad about here - and plenty to celebrate dear. This worked and you properly protected yourself...there is absolutely nothing to be sad about :-); June 26, 2014 at 9:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, thank you for the analysis. I have to say you are so intelligent, you just see things right through. You are right I should not feel upset here. Maybe this guy just has many qualities in a man I value, educated, career focus, gentle, fun, and very important – good looking, nicely built body. It’s not easy for me to meet a man I like. I had many men interested in me but still single now :)

With this man, Mirror, can I tell you something more and learn more from you? He divorced with a 11 years old son, and once he told me he never introduced his son to any women he was in relationship with (one for 1 year and half, the other one 9 months). Which was another red flag to me.

He didn’t decide to walk after 3rd date not getting sex, actually he asked me out again before the 3rd date ended, but I wasn’t certain I could make it. He asked me few more times in the following day but finally I wasn’t able to make it after hanging him waiting for that. We had a little bit conflict for this and he ignored my last text for one night, however next day he initiated contacted again and told me he was having barbeque with his parents and sister coming over, he said I could join them if I wanted to. I didn’t go anyway since it felt too quick to me meeting his family member and I wondered how he would introduce me, especially he had his son on that weekend. We were back to playful and fun texting until he suddenly stop texting me.

Another detail was he was calling me princess and I called him frog for fun. When he broke with me, he said he was turned off by the frog subject, I was confused because he said he liked it and it shouldn’t be a big deal, however I apologized for making him feel uncomfortable.

I am totally confused with this whole thing. Sometimes I thought he was a player, sometimes I thought maybe I didn’t show him enough respect? But at least, I know he isn’t capable of handling a real relationship to develop. So I had no regret to let him go. Mirror, is he still a player in this situation? If I did make my own mistakes, I’d like to correct them in the future. Thank you very much for your help.

Annie; June 26, 2014 at 11:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Annie,
"he told me he never introduced his son to any women he was in relationship with (one for 1 year and half, the other one 9 months)"

That's because he didn't look at those as lasting relationships. He knew he was not going to be with these women forever, so he never moved those relationships forward. And I'd be curious to understand his definition of a "relationship." Because hearing this, it sounds to me like these were more akin to temporary "arrangements" or casual dating situations and not solid relationships. Because again, relationships move forward, arrangements and brief flings and affairs don't.

"I wasn’t certain I could make it...I wasn’t able to make it...we had a little bit conflict for this"

Again, this tells me he's a bit insecure. People are busy, they lead very busy lives nowadays. As a result, you simply cannot expect someone to be at your beck and call - available to you always. If someone cannot make a date due to a schedule conflict or other arrangements made prior, this should NOT be a cause for conflict. Mature individuals understand that life is busy, people are busy, and no one is going to be on-call to you, available at all times these days. (Unless they're an insecure woman who is cancelling her own plans left and right to jump through hoops for a man - which i suspect is what he expected - and what he's used to.)

"I didn’t go anyway since it felt too quick to me meeting his family"

I don't blame you there, that's happened to me before as well. When you're not comfortable, that's not the time to have those types of meetings. Gotta' wait till you're comfortable, ready and the time is right.

"Another detail was he was calling me princess and I called him frog for fun. When he broke with me, he said he was turned off by the frog subject, I was confused because he said he liked it and it shouldn’t be a big deal, however I apologized for making him feel uncomfortable."

Well again, this man is secretly insecure I believe. And even though he played that off, inside he felt there was truth to it. I personally do not see anything wrong with that type of playfulness, although I will say that those who are extremely insecure and sensitive may take something like that the wrong way and read too much into it.

"sometimes I thought maybe I didn’t show him enough respect"

Unless any of this was down as downright mean, I really don't see any disrespect here. I see things that every couple in the world goes through and feels their way around in the dark over for a while until things level off. I just think this guy's insecure and unless it's a "sure thing" (i.e. woman throwing herself at him, making herself available to him all the time, etc.) - he's not confident enough to proceed. He seems needy...like he needs LOTS of reassurance constantly to continue moving forward.

"is he still a player in this situation?"

I still see it that way - although I don't believe he does this intentionally. I don't think he sets out to use women or disappear or string them along for a year, only to walk away. I think he's insecure and he lets fear steer the wheel at times. I think his insecurity causes him to act wishy-washy. I also think his insecurity is what causes him to need a woman's reassurance constantly to have the confidence to move forward. I think his insecurity is why he took the playful frog joke seriously and took offense to it secretly. I think his insecurity is also what caused him to view certain things as "not interested" - because he needs a big bonk on the head and the guarantee of a sure thing, so anything less = not interested to him.

I think he's got some "stuff" going on that he needs to work out...and I think you sense that as well:

"I know he isn’t capable of handling a real relationship to develop."; June 26, 2014 at 12:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, thank you for your quick response! I really appreciate that. Everything you siad made my head so clear now, I am glad I did the right thing to let him go :) I want a strong, responsible and real man.

Interesting enough, just few minutes ago he texted me again, said I didn't make him feel uncomfortable, so no need to be sorry :) I already deleted his phone number. Should I give him a chance now, Mirror? Or do you think he isn't worth my time to process further? I am going to listen to your wisdom :)

Annie; June 26, 2014 at 2:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Annie,
"Should I give him a chance now, Mirror?"

A chance for what? That communication really doesn't deem a response. He's not asking a question and it really doesn't demand an answer. And even if you do reply, you can't look at that as a second chance because chances are...he'll just go on his way - so giving him a response isn't going to kick start anything there anyway.

"Or do you think he isn't worth my time to process further?"

Well it really doesn't matter what I think dear, it matters what YOU think. You need to think through what you're doing here and whether or not this man is worth your time or not. Additionally, you need to think about the fact that he's broken up with you, he's now sending you a communication that really doesn't demand a response...and if you reply, it won't change things anyway...you'll still be broken up, ya' know? Being in communication with someone doesn't mean you have a commitment to them or you're in a relationship with them...and in this case, I don't imagine it'll change anything anyway. He's insecure and he's not going to change - unless HE wants to, not because YOU want him to, ya' know?; June 26, 2014 at 3:34 PM
Anonymous said...: Although I am pretty sure he would come around to pursue me again if I give him some encouragment, you made the point that he is insecure deep inside. And I cannot understand why a handsome, fun, career successful man like him can be insecure...

Thank you for all the help dear Mirror.

Annie; June 26, 2014 at 4:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Annie,
"I cannot understand why a handsome, fun, career successful man like him can be insecure..."

You can't judge based solely on appearances dear. While things in his life may look great, you don't know what goes on in his head. You don't know how many women previous have rejected him going back to his teenage years, and you don't know of all of his childhood experiences. It only takes one bad rejection, one negative or abusive childhood experience, one instance in life....to create an insecurity. An overbearing or dominant parent or other authority figure in someone's life can aid in creating them as well. Your friends growing up who, while they may mean well, tease and taunt one another during youth aid in creating them. If a bully points out someone has a big nose or funny teeth or walks strange or talks strange, an insecurity can be created. If a girl made fun of you on the playground when you were 12 and embarrassed you in front of your peers and you earned a nickname after that that you then carried through high school....this stuff can be carried like baggage through someone's entire life. If you had a sexual experience with a girl at a young age and had a snafu of some sort or she poked fun at you afterwards and spread rumors all over school about you...you can carry something like that secretly throughout your entire life. A deep, deep feeling of "not good enough."

Some folks are emotionally strong enough to handle it, others aren't. Either way, you can't see someone's scars with the naked eye and appearances can be quite deceiving.; June 27, 2014 at 9:05 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror, thanks for your posts! they're really good references and lessons for everyone. specially this one, I can relate to it and it made me realize so many things too.

anyway, I have a problem, what if I hurt a guy's feelings and now he's not texting me? I've been texting this guy for more than 3 months now. we're on long distance and soon we're going to meet. I made a comment that I think have upset him. I know to myself that the comment is insensitive. and now, he seems distant. it's only been 2 days since this happened. should I apologize? how long will I wait to make sure he's hurt and not just busy? I don't want to be insensitive and hurt him but I just don't want to trust too early. I've done that and it's result is not a good one. :( I hope you'll help. thanks!; June 30, 2014 at 1:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 30,1:14 AM,
"I made a comment that I think have upset him...should I apologize?"

The next time he contacts you, I would extend an apology to him :-); June 30, 2014 at 3:35 PM
Anonymous said...: my friend said he wants a relationship with me but his actions show otherwise. He was talking and caring before i had terminated my pregnancy because i was going to miscarry but the weeks after hes been distant. I know hes been busy but to plain forget to text or call is absurd. I did text him and told him briefly about my week and that i would talk to him later. He said ok i text him later and no response. Im tired of him not aying me attention what should I do to make him pay attention to me.; July 4, 2014 at 7:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 4, 7:08 PM,
"what should I do to make him pay attention to me"

You can't control others dear - only your reaction to them:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; July 7, 2014 at 6:16 PM
Unknown said...: So how do I fix a budding text relationship if I have already contact contacted him too much? He's still responding but not in a flirting manner. Do I just stop contacting him all together now? Just leave him hanging and just hope that he contacts me?; July 12, 2014 at 2:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Randina Hoyt,
"So how do I fix a budding text relationship if I have already contact contacted him too much? He's still responding but not in a flirting manner. Do I just stop contacting him all together now? Just leave him hanging and just hope that he contacts me?"

Yep - how else are you going to know if he's genuinely interested?

If it's YOU that's keeping the relationship alive all the time, then how are you going to know if the guy is really genuinely interested....or simply taking you up on your offer until something he deems as better comes along?

The only way to know if a man is genuinely interested - is to see if HE pursues YOU :-); July 12, 2014 at 12:01 PM
pisces girl said...: This endless frustration. I haven't been initiating any calls or texts because like you I really do believe that he needs to be doing that especially in the beginning when he should be stepping up his game, pursuing the hardest and trying to get inside my head and eventually my heart. And even though most days he does message me once or twice a day some days he doesn't bother not even with a simple good morning or good night message.And more than anything I want him to care enough to pick up the phone and call me instead of just fire off a stupid message-its so impersonal and that's not how you get to know someone. I feel like even if he isn't my boyfriend and we are still in the getting to know each other stage he should want to get to know me better with proper communication-hearing my voice and having a phone conversation if we cant see each other in person would be the way but I don't know if I should express this to him or if its too soon? he's coming tomorrow making the 3.5 hour drive to come see me in person which I really do appreciate but I feel like I should be letting him know that the key to a woman's heart is through proper communication. We have spoken 3 or 4 times on the phone but that is it and earlier this week he called me at lunch and I told him id call him right back because I was busy and I did and it went straight to voicemail and then I didn't hear back from him till the next day in the afternoon when he messaged me saying that he thought he would of heard back from me by now. I guess my call didn't go through or something (??)but he still could of called or messaged me back if he really wanted to talk to me that same day for all he knows something could of happened to me and I have been sick this past week but of course he wouldn't know that because he hasn't bothered picking up and the phone and calling.Its just annoying i like a take charge kind of man who knows what he wants and goes after it. Why have men resorted to texting as the go to form of communicating!? its ok as a secondary form of communication but that's in addition to phone conversations and you certainly can not have any kind of deep and meaningful conversations via text. i have been keeping my responses with him short and brief as of late, (before i was messaging too much and using some emotion in my text which i realized i shouldn't be doing) and he asked me if his questions are bothersome i feel like telling him no you idiot its not your questions its because im reading a stupid messaging instead of hearing your voice! why should a 30 something year old working professional man have to be told he should pick up the phone and call a woman instead of message her. And come to think of it i have already expressed that to him that i prefer phone conversations over text. I just want a man who wants to hear my voice daily even if it is just for a few minutes and wants to find out how my day is going and of course I would care enough to ask him about his day and try to be a source of support if needed but what's a girl to do when that isn't taking place?the waiting game is frustrating but maybe i am just asking for too much. I think he may be thinking i don't wanna talk because im not calling or messaging him but im also nice and responsive when he initiates it. Anyways how is a relationship supposed to go anywhere and progress without proper communication especially when you live in different cities and cant see each other all the time.I feel like deleting the messenger app he uses to message me all the time so when he sees im not on there he might take a hint!And what again is the best response when they say how come you never call or text me?(in other words chase me, pursue me)lol; July 17, 2014 at 11:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"I feel like I should be letting him know that the key to a woman's heart is through proper communication"

Don't start "schooling" him like a child, he's a grown man and honestly, he shouldn't need to be told these things. Besides, I'm quite sure as a man, he's already aware of this but instead, he chooses to let insecurity steer the wheel and take the lazy route. Don't start this conversation with him, let HIM figure out what HE needs to do here - and YOU just observe his behavior so that you can decide if this is a man that's even capable of fulfilling your needs and making you happy as a woman.

Don't try to fix him or school him - observe who he is and then decide if he's right for you. If you don't like how he's behaving, you can't fix that, you can't control him. The only thing you can do is decide he's not capable of making you happy - and walk away.

"I didn't hear back from him till the next day in the afternoon when he messaged me saying that he thought he would of heard back from me by now. I guess my call didn't go through or something"

Doubt that was the case - I think this guy is insecure and he's playing games, testing you, to see if you'll give chase and blow up his phone when you can't reach him or don't hear from him. He's insecure...so he's projecting that behavior onto you.

"i like a take charge kind of man who knows what he wants and goes after it"

Then accept that this man most likely is not for you. Don't try to change him, don't attempt to control him. Simply accept that he's probably incapable of fulfilling your needs as a woman and move on then.

"what's a girl to do when that isn't taking place?"

Accept that he's probably not the man for you :-(

"what again is the best response when they say how come you never call or text me?"

Say something along the lines of, "I've never had a guy ask me that before. I'm used to dating take-charge kinda' guys." Give him something to think about ;-); July 18, 2014 at 8:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Tiff720,
"Why should I have to inconvenience myself?"

You don't - but your choosing to do so, which only enables him to continue to resist compromising with you. If you don't stand your ground and he knows he can push you to do what he wants, then that's what he'll do.

"He told me to stick to my guns and stay home."

See - even dear ole' dad knows what's up LOL ;-)

"What should I say?"

You again remind him that wasn't what you two had agreed upon. And then you take it a step further and you tell him that if he isn't willing to compromise, which is a huge part of healthy relationships, then you may have to rethink this entire thing - because you cannot see yourself with a man that is not willing to compromise and be flexible.

"What do you think I should do?"

I think you should stick to your agreement, stand your ground, and cease giving into him because when you do, he's mistaking that for weakness, taking advantage of that, and continues to do it - because he can (because you're letting him when you give in).; July 18, 2014 at 8:27 AM
pisces girl said...: Mirror you're so awesome! haha I LOVE your replies you're so witty and smart and funny <3. I do agree that I believe he was testing me when my call when straight to vm that day to see if I would start blowing up his phone chasing and pursuing me but I didn't I sat back and did nothing LOL. There is great freedom in doing nothing but I think as women we have grown to believe that the only way to get what we want in life is to take control of situations and do,do, do. I find it easier to do nothing though and just let a man be a man but the waiting game can be frustrating because lets face it as busy we get we are still hoping and waiting for him to man the eff up. So yesterday he messaged me again at night while I was writing to you and asked me if I had finished doing something I had been doing earlier in the day (I had finished doing it in the morning it only took me a few hours) and my only response to him was "yes i was done hours ago" that's when he asked me if my question was bothersome and then he said "play nice" and my response to that was "no its just that i would prefer to have a real conversation but I guess ill just have to wait to see you tomorrow:p" so I expressed how I felt without being rude or bitchy yeahh! lol so then I guess he figured out what he needed to do and ended up calling me last night and we talked and talked and it was great. I was happy and I know I shouldn't let him be the one to end the conversation first all the time but its just that I don't get to speak to him too often so when I do have him on the other end of the line I just want to keep talking to him.And he's funny and makes me laugh. So I agree with you i think that we just need to keep our responses very short and brief with zero emotion or not respond to messages at all if we want a phone call instead of a stupid text.. So he comes today Mirror and I'm a little nervous (plus still kind of sick) but im going to try to be calm cool and confident and just kind of let him be a man and lead. And its gonna be hard but im going to try not offer to pay for anything the reason I have in the past with men is to show them that im independent and I don't need them and some of them don't mind me reaching into my purse and paying and that's when I know they are chumps. I hope this guy isn't a chump. I just want a true gentleman Mirror. One that knows his role as a man and is happy to step up to the plate. So hoping all goes well because im stuck with him today and tomorrow. I also want him to meet my best friend because how a man treats those closest to you says a lot. Ill keep you posted. Happy Friday Mirror and thank you so much again for this site -it truly has been an eye opener for me, taught me to value myself and to raise my expectations and never settle for less than what I deserve. I love reading other people's posts and your responses. You are truly a gem of a woman.; July 18, 2014 at 2:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

A guy friend wants to keep in touch via whatsapp. I don't understand what it is although I looked it up. I don't do facebook either. He's not a boyfriend (he's taken btw so I don't really need to stay in constant contact with him for any reason.) Can't I just do e-mail like we've been doing? Why would he want to do whatsapp. He's also in another country too.

Thanks.; August 13, 2014 at 3:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, it's Anon @August 13, 2014 at 3:56 PM again,

He broke up with her. He met with me in my city and then broke up with her right after and wants to keep in contact with me. He shared the news with me right away, but I'm trying to distance myself from him, etc. What is appropriate in this situation? This was a serious relationship for him.

Thanks.; August 15, 2014 at 6:42 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm a virgo woman with mars in scorpio. He's a scorpio with venus in virgo. When im not interested in a man, i'm naturally the coldest woman, even slightly mean and men will hunt me down for it. But when I like the guy, im the aggressor and I'm trying to change my "natural tendencies" because you're right, in the early stages of dating it can be misperceived.

Well, I believe Ive thoroughly confused my scorpio. He left me his number on my car after we first met at a wake, forcing me to call him first, which I didn't do for 3 months. Once I did, however, I fell into the easy trap of reaching out first, calling, or texting because he would say things like ,"i'll call you right back"...and he wouldn't. So he got me thinking about him..and wondering about him because he created expectation that i now suspect, he had no intention on fulfilling.

Long story short, last month, I pulled a crazy on him, called him 48hours straight practically, playing with myself on his answering machine. He answered his phone and we had a very sexy exchange. He definitely likes the power over me. Although I know his weakness and he's shown me his vulnerability in wondering if I like him....we're definitely in the power-struggle-doubt-each other and ourselves-phase.

Right now, I'm moving away for grad school, which makes me needier as I'm also going thru a break up with someone else. Beleive it or not, the Scorpio kinda turned me down when I hinted that sex would be just fine with me...he said, "that isn't all it is, right?"

After sending him the astro charts that said we're soul mates...i sent him a couple emails and he responded with a picture of his one-eyed cat. Sometimes, he doesn't respond to texts. Othertimes, we're rapid fire for half the day. When we speak on the phone it's 2 hour conversations. But he's playing it too cool and I'm not playing it cool enough...because again, I'm moving and I think that made me a bit too eager in getting to know him.

Anyway, to regain my dignity because i hate chasing anyone...I was supposed to see him before leaving, he had agreed to hold a box of book for me to pick up when I return. (it was my excuse to see him again, while maintaining a connection with him while gone.)

However, last week, I sent him a long text...saying that I craved intimacy and healthy doses of communication blah blah blah and that i didn't think it was wise to see each other before I left. And that I'd be disconnecting this number later today...He fired off four rapid fire texts in a row, I'm shocked he could read the text that quickly because usually...he keeps me waiting, which I hate!

anyway he essentially said.

1. shush i have an idea lets meet up and go to.....(hang out with a mutual friend, not a date)
2. where's the stuff to hold...
3. i plan to visit you in ( take a plane to visit me, but hey, talk is cheap and his words mean little now)
4. what's wrong with u?

The next day, I responded from a diff number saying..

1. U. U are what's wrong with me.
2. Exactly..no strong urge for me. So forget it. (because he took too long responding and I want him to know that's not cool anymore.

Anyway, my bday is coming up. If he contacts me, then I'll play the game a lot better because hopefully, ive made the only smart, strategic move available to me...which is to end contact when he expected the opposite action...(though I gave him the heads up why I was doing it)...i still think I did the right thing?

Right?

I feel better "waiting" on my terms....not his.; August 15, 2014 at 8:46 PM
MAV said...: Dear Mirror, I wish I had found this site BEFORE committing the deadly sins of acting needy, clingy, emotional and coming off unhinged. Now I understand why he bolted even though we've been together for 3 years (he wants to be "a good friend"). I should mention that the relationship was really good on many levels prior to this although recently there has been some bad behaviour which I should, in retrospect, have stood my ground on MORE. Anyway I initiated NC immediately after indicating that I accept the breakup (no begging and pleading here) and am now on the 9th day of NC. It really is a handy tool. I feel a lot better than I did on the 2nd day, Lol. If he does not return after whatever period (this may be 30, 60 or 90 days or more - I'm cool with that), do I initiate (say by texting)? As a matter of principle, I'm disinclined to do so and besides, may well have moved well on by then.; August 24, 2014 at 1:31 PM
MY BEAUTY CLOSET said...: Hi,

I've been dating this guy for about 2-3 weeks. Everything has been going well all along. We texted each other on and off, although not in a texting marathon. Regardless of how long it takes, he'll never end off the conversation. He'll always get back to me within 24 hours so I assume he might be busy sometimes. I'm 23 this year, he is 24.

We have been out for about 5 dates. I have to admit, I'm really attracted to him. And I know I did something I shouldn't do. There was once when he invited me over to his place for a movie. We ended up making out, not to the extend of having sex because I rejected him. Subsequently, we went on lunch dates. There were also a couple of times whereby he drop by my place and he did saw my parents. But I only introduced him as a friend. I did so many mistakes. I actually jokingly asked what are we because I honestly had no idea where is this heading towards. I'm afraid I'll end up as a friend with benefits. He then told me that we're dating and he regarded me more than a friend. That date at my place ended well. He left happy, I was happy. And we agreed to meet about 3 days later.

However that day when I met him, I felt that he became really distant. He came over to my house for a movie. He would usually hug me and peck me on the forehead and show affection. But the other day, he was being really distant. He tries to avoid any physical contact with me. I'm not sure what did I do wrong. Or did he thought we were progressing too fast. Or that he thought I was behaving like his girlfriend. But all along, he behaves like my boyfriend too. I'm actually really regretting it now. So many thoughts have been going through my mind. I haven't felt so troubled.

But anyway, during our last date which was 2 days ago...he told me that he'll be rather busy these few weeks due to his job applications and interviews. And that he might be unable to meet me. Which I felt was clearly an excuse because we stay just about a 10 min drive away. I knew he needed space. Or I don't know what's with his issue. Before he left, he didn't even hug or kiss me anymore. I then asked, how about our supper date? Because he did promise he'll bring me out. And he told me, whenever you feel like it...text me. But isn't it supposed to be him texting me? Since he already pre-warned me that he'll be busy.

I'm so confused now. Do I just wait for him to contact me? Or should I text him about our supper date after a couple of days? I'm so afraid he'll just disappear. I don't know what to do. Sigh. Can anyone advice me what to do??; August 24, 2014 at 10:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @MY BEAUTY CLOSET,
Re-read the article dear, the answer is there. There are only a few times when you should be texting a man, and I don't think yours qualifies as one of them. This man is clearly distancing himself, most likely he's not ready for a relationship, and when that happens, if YOU pursue HIM - chances are, he'll bolt.

"Do I just wait for him to contact me?"

Yep. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. And if he doesn't come looking for you, that's your answer - and then you know that it's time to move on.

"I'm so afraid he'll just disappear."

Why? So what if he does dear? The earth isn't going to crack in half if he does. Lightening isn't going to strike you if he does. In the grand scheme of things...his presence in your life actually means very little - unless YOU give it more weight than it deserves.

If a man disappears on you dear, that's a sign to you that things weren't meant to be and wouldn't have worked out. When that happens, accept the reality of the situation and free yourself to move on and find a man that appreciates you, because longing to be with one who doesn't really won't make you any happier, ya' know?; August 25, 2014 at 9:12 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA,

This is the first time I am writing to a blog seeking help, since I feel its the important phase of my life and I really need help and guidance.I got to know a lot from your writing and i sincerely thank you for that.

And here it goes, there is a guy whom i got into contact through social networking site. We are Aluminis of the same college, I kinda know him but I am not familiar to him.
I was the first to message him to which he replied and it looked like he was excited to know who I was, then the chat went on well for few minutes quite formally.

After looking at his profile and chating with him, I got the impression that he is kind of quiet, shy guy who is not that used to talking with girls.
I really liked it because he seemed very decent as majority of guys these days are flirty and smothering whom i really dont get attracted to.

After 3 days he messaged me with a 'hello'. I felt happy since i felt he was interested in me, again a casual chat went on for just 5 minutes due to network problem.

After a week i initiated chat, there was an instant reply as he was online, we chated for half an hour but again it was casual.I was the one to talk more and ask him more questions
he would reply for that in short and nothing extra talks he would make. And conversation ended dull.

It really pissed me off since he didn't talk much and just few smileys(emoticons) here n there.It was kinda casual talk, still it wasn't close or fun. He studies and works abroad.

I thought to take some time and i messaged him after around 2 and half weeks, there was a quick reply. this time it worked out well. It seemed like he was waiting for me to message. This time we chatted for 2 hours, wit more close and fun conversation. He would simle for every line I chat
and also he complimented me.I could surely make out in his words that he is into me. I felt nice and thought moving further would really work out.

After that i texted him again after a week, it went on really well, there were fun talks and he wanted to talk to me even more but since it was late night and i asked to him to sleep. He smilingly said we'll talk more on weekend in a cute way and went off to sleep.

Now this is where i found a change. After few days He wasn't online for long hours which made me worried and messaged him as to what was he doing. he said he was on a long trip with friends but the reply he gave sounded very formal and was very short with late replies. (as my observation his replies will be plain when he does it through cell phone) I felt kinda uncomfortable by his replies and said him to enjoy the trip and ended.

I really felt bad when he dint reply for that. He would atleast smile if he didn't said anything

My question here is- did he lose interest in me? He should have messaged me atleast after reaching home?
has he felt that I am needy type? Even if so if he likes me that shouldn't be an excuse?
or does he want me to message him often ? Is he waiting for me?

now when should i message? if i dont what if he backs off thinking im not interested?
he s not that kinda guy who is that much into girls, he got very few girls as friends.

I really like him as i feel we both are very compatible and share similar interests. we are no more teens, we are into marriage age. And i want to get into a serious relationship
with this man and i feel it works out with efforts as he is single. so please help me out how to move further and make him like me more.Please; August 26, 2014 at 1:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank God I just read this. I read this right before I was about to send a text that would have just official moved me on to the side of the highway with this guy I just started seeing. Seriously, thanks for the reminder that HE, (not I) will need to do the chasing.; August 26, 2014 at 3:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 26,1:54 PM,
"now when should i message?"

You shouldn't message him at all. I don't suggest pursuing men. I believe that men should be men, and pursue the woman. If you are taking the masculine role (leading, pursuing), then you're never going to know if this man genuinely likes you or not. Because the only way a woman can know if a man is truly interested in her...is to see if HE pursues HER.

"if i dont what if he backs off thinking im not interested?"

That's fine, then let him go. If you have to constantly remind a guy that you exist to keep him interested...then he's only "half" interested to begin with and you don't want to be with a man that's only half interested because he'll take you for granted and treat you poorly.

A man that is genuinely 100% interested - will pursue what he desires.

"i want to get into a serious relationship with this man"

That's nice dear - but HE also has to want the SAME thing. You cannot be the one to make this happen, BOTH parties need to want it.

"so please help me out how to move further and make him like me more"

There's nothing to figure out unfortunately dear. You cannot make a man love you or want to be with you. The man has to also want that. If you're the only one that wants it, nothing you do or say will change his mind - HE has to want this too. Maybe this will help:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; August 26, 2014 at 6:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much MOA mam, your words really helped in making me strong for an emotional, sensitive girl like me.But why girls are so sweet all the time? why dont guys feel the same as we do, majority of them expect being physical with a girl than loving truly. real love does'nt happen with guys?

I have seen two types of guys- 1)(most of them) very flirty, start chasing, gets close too early and try very hard to get physical, once its not encouraged they dissapear. so where was the love all they showed in the beginning? was it fake?
2 type) very few, shy, quiet, good ones,doesnt talk much, likes a girls but wont express. whats with these guys should a girl make a first move?. they dont open up unless we do.

This is what happens all the time MOA mam. It hurts a lot and I really hate guys sometimes.; August 27, 2014 at 5:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA,
Thank you very much for these articles..Suddenly lots of things became more clear to me))..I will be grateful and happy if you could heelp me to figure this out.... do u/ should you text a guy ( u like) if he lives in another city when u come to that city for your own things to do just "hello. or sth like that." ( he was curious about whethr u will be in town soon/and knows u will be in town, but havent asked u out or anything)? ...Thank you!....Anonym11; September 1, 2014 at 10:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 1, 10:47 AM,
"do u/ should you text a guy ( u like) if he lives in another city when u come to that city for your own things to do just "hello. or something like that....he knows u will be in town, but hasn't asked u out or anything"

If he knows you'll be in town and has made NO ATTEMPTS to see you, or to set a date with you...then no, you do not offer yourself and your time and attention to that man.

If you feel you need to remind this man that you exist or that you're in town...then he's probably not the man for you dear. If he was - he'd have jumped on the chance to set a date with you in the first place.

And if he finds out you were in town and didn't remind him you were there or offer yourself up and gets upset about it...again, he's not the man for you. He's being manipulative and making you feel like YOU have to do ALL the work to keep the relationship going. And that is not a man that will ever step up to the plate or ever be able to make you happy. He'll always be manipulating things to his advantage, and you'll always feel like you have to work, work, work to stay on his radar. So just let him go if he gets upset - and don't look back. Be thankful you dodged the bullet there instead.; September 1, 2014 at 1:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous Sep 1, 10:47 AM Thank you very much for taking time to respond to my message....I don't know how but you see men through...Every word you said, is exactly how i feel about his behaviour :(... God bless you for your work...:)); September 1, 2014 at 3:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,
There’s this guy that I dated and it didn’t exactly work out at the time. We weren’t on the same page so to speak at the time and we decided to stay just friends. Anyway, last weekend we ended up seeing a movie together. Now I thought when he asked that we were going as friends but he held my hand through the entire movie and we ended up having dinner after as well. We talked a bit about what happened between us before and he kept saying how happy he was that I came and that he’s having such a good time. So afterward he walked me to my car and I actually dropped him to his car since he was parked some distance from where my car was. So we were saying goodbye and then he kissed me. I was hesitant at first and asked him what is he doing and then gave in. Now since then I haven’t heard a peep from him. I was contemplating sending him a text but I am not sure….help! ; September 29, 2014 at 9:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 29, 9:59 PM,
I'm not sure what your question is dear, but if you're asking me if you should start pursuing him - I'd suggest you do not get caught up in that. Read this article again to fully understand why. And then read this piece, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; September 30, 2014 at 7:31 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror September 30, 2014 at 7:31 AM

Hi, thanks for the response. Sorry for the confusion but yes that is basically what I was asking whether or not I should send a text after not hearing from him for a week....Anyway, I read the article and I have my answer...thanks again :); September 30, 2014 at 5:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I met someone in the same career as I, so we cross paths here and there. He's asked me to lunch a few times. Mentioned wanting to go out sometimes, I kept it casual just sure and to call me. He's asked me out but I was unavailable. He's texted here and there basically asking to grab coffee or drinks but then kind of retracting. The issue here is I'm not sure if he's just not really interested or worried because there is an age gap and I may turn him down. I'm much younger. Should I just do no contact period...even refraining from professional questions..etc?; October 18, 2014 at 11:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 18, 11:47 AM,
"Should I just do no contact period...even refraining from professional questions..etc?"

That depends. No contact is meant for men who are treating you poorly, for detaching emotionally, or for dealing with the emotional fallout from a breakup. If none of those things are happening, then it's not necessary to use no contact...unless this is a man who is bothering you and that you do not want to date.; October 20, 2014 at 7:34 AM
Anonymous said...: From @Anonymous Oct 18, 11:47 AM,
"Should I just do no contact period...even refraining from professional questions..etc?"

To clarify a little more we have been on some lunch dates/coffee since we are often in the same area for work. He's shown interest by making complements and asking to go out for a date. But when it comes to actually planning he seems to retract. He also doesn't contact consistently. Usually if it's someone lets say "my own age" I would figure he's not truly interested and not waste time with him. But there is an age gap (he's for sure single as well) and during conversations he brings it up so I think that may keep him from pursuing. So I guess my question is should I cease texting him or contacting him first period and let him figure out if he wants anything more? It's in the early stages so I don't want to come of needy. Or is it just to early and it's okay to contact him first without sending off the she's needy radar.; October 20, 2014 at 10:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 18, 11:47 AM,
Re-read the article dear. In the very early stages, there are very few instances (provided in the article) when a woman should be contacting a man. If the contact doesn't pertain to any of those instances, then a woman should not be the one initiating the contact, because it's generally considered "pursuit" by men and the woman will have no clue whether the guy is genuinely interested, or simply taking the woman up on her offer while waiting for something better to come along in the meantime.

A man actually wrote a piece about this here:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; October 20, 2014 at 12:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Moa...i read your article and wanna say a huge thankk you...i am gonna use your approach and could use a bit of advice...if you did initiate contact first and only once can you turn the tables back around or do,you think it may be to late; October 20, 2014 at 9:39 PM
AuthenticScorpio said...: Hi MOA

You’ve advised me a few times on a DM, which led to me going NC and cutting him off lol. Now I'm back in regards to a male friend for close to a year now and up until a few months ago, I’d always considered him friend zoned. He’s not my typical ‘type’ at all and when I first met him, I never really paid him any attention because I was too busy chasing after my DM. I never looked at him as a romantic prospect because he’s 2 years younger than me - and I’ve always said I’d never date younger. However he has all of the other qualities I typically look for in a guy - intelligent, ambitious and backs it up with action, caring, funny, etc.

We’ve flirted some in the past but I’d always steer it back to the platonic realm since I didn’t look at him like that. I don’t overly dress up around him, don’t mince my words - I’ve just been my full self and never felt the need to ‘put on’ for him. There was a time a few weeks ago that he came up to me and kind of jokingly said “When are you going to let me take you on a date?” At that point, I still saw him as a friend and that caught me off guard, so my response was awkward and I just said I don’t know. That was the point that it set wheels turning in my head that perhaps he looked at me as more than friends and since then we’ve been spending a lot of time together. We’ve gone to dinners, hung out at his place and he’s even done some nice gestures that he went out of his way for (I mentioned that I wanted to catch a bus home one weekend to visit family and he told me to hold off on buying my ticket and decided to drive me the 3 hours each way since he had friends in that city as well that he could go and visit.)

So I say all this to say that I think I now have a crush lol. And I’m wondering what I should do since I feel I might have shot down romantic advances in the past by paying more attention to my DM than him. He’s a flirty guy and we’ve talked to each other about crushes, past relationships, etc. Because of his character, I feel like he generally does nice things for people, so it makes me wonder should I see the things that he does for me as special or just coming from the fact that now he only considers me as a friend.

There was one conversation where we were talking about relationships and dating and he said he didn’t see himself in a relationship right now, which I heard loud and clear. I know your advice is typically to avoid ‘do, do, doing’ and just send signals to indicate interest, but was wondering if there’s anything different you would recommend for women who have friend zoned a guy at first, developed a friendship and then now might have feelings for him? I’ve seen a few blogs written by men that say the woman should just tell him how she feels lol. But we know you can’t always go off of what men say, so I wanted to get your opinion. Should I say something? Try to dress cuter, flirt and hopefully spend more time together? I feel that because I really wasn’t giving him the time of day in the past, he would have logically taken that as me not being interested (which I wasn’t at the time). I need help!; October 23, 2014 at 8:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Authentic Scorpio,
"was wondering if there’s anything different you would recommend for women who have friend zoned a guy at first, developed a friendship and then now might have feelings for him?"

Actually dear, this is the way things SHOULD go when developing a relationship. Friends first is a must if you ask me. And in general, no I wouldn't go out of my way to "do" anything here. If you're friends, there will be plenty of future opportunities to indicate your romantic interest in ways other than words (flirting, compliments, etc.)

And you might want to think about his comment of not wanting a relationship either. Because he may just want to casually date and right now, you guys have a good friendship...so be mindful of destroying that with casual romantic involvement (i.e. you thinking a romantic involvement with him would lead to a relationship, while he's simply looking for something casual - and in the end, you end up resentful and feeling used as a result of becoming romantically involved with him but having that ultimately lead nowhere).

"I’ve seen a few blogs written by men that say the woman should just tell him how she feels lol."

They SAY they want this dear, but nine times out of ten, the woman who DOES vocalize her feelings - ends up being labeled the "crazy chic" as a result of her boldness (it often then leads to her pursuing the man)...and him running from her.

Remember, psychologically it's a law of human nature that people generally want what they can't have. And once it becomes available to them in abundance...they value it less, and also desire it less. In economics and relationships, it's called the Law of Scarcity, and it's also one of the fundamental Laws of Persuasion:

http://westsidetoastmasters.com/resources/laws_persuasion/chap7.html

"I feel that because I really wasn’t giving him the time of day in the past, he would have logically taken that as me not being interested (which I wasn’t at the time)."

Well, that's you assuming dear. And when we fill in the blanks like that and make general assumptions...it can backfire. After reading the article link I shared above, about the Law of Scarcity being one of the fundamental Laws of Persuasion...I'm more apt to think that the fact that you did NOT pay him any mind - could actually be what's created the attraction in the first place. You're assuming that him thinking you're not interested is a BAD thing, when in fact, it could actually have been working to your advantage all along.

Because studies have shown that "uncertainty" heightens romantic attraction:

http://pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2010/12/17/0956797610393745.abstract; October 25, 2014 at 1:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Ms. Mirror, I found your comment: "I'm more apt to think that the fact that you did NOT pay him any mind - could actually be what's created the attraction in the first place. You're assuming that him thinking you're not interested is a BAD thing, when in fact, it could actually have been working to your advantage all along" very interesting! Do you mean that it is possible to create interest where there was none to begin with? I've always wondered how this whole attraction thing starts in the first place. Right now, it's all kind of a 'big mystery' to me and feels more random than anything else (i.e. it's all up to chance and whether things line up in just the right way, etc, etc), but I'm intrigued by your comment because it sounds like attraction might not be as random as it seems, that it can actually be created or controlled. Please elaborate on this very interesting idea. Thanks!; October 25, 2014 at 2:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 25, 2:01 PM,
"Do you mean that it is possible to create interest where there was none to begin with?"

Well, I do believe that an initial general attraction has to exist first. I don't think it's possible to make someone attracted to you, but I do believe that if there's a general attraction that exists in the first place, "uncertainty, mystery and unpredictability" can actually have a very positive effect on increasing that attraction.

And that's because of the psychological aspect that exists in human behavior with regards to the fact that people want what they can't have. It's the Law of Scarcity and it's one of the Laws of Persuasion. Copy the links I shared in that comment above into a new tab in your browser and read up on those topics and I think you'll form a greater understanding of the concept ;-); October 26, 2014 at 7:08 AM
Anonymous said...: I read those links already! Thank you for clarifying your take on it too.That makes a lot of sense. I'm always curious to hear your point of view so that was very helpful.

Thanks again Ms. Mirror! Interesting how these things work. There must be some physical law that explains all of these things.; October 26, 2014 at 3:14 PM
Anonymous said...: guy A met once will not ask me to go anywhere have not seen him in 24 days but will text me morning and night before he goes to work and after he comes home. will not take me out. call him on it today because he is talking exclusive dating him?? I told him I dont want that, not going anywhere. I want to go out. He offered to come over and cuddle??? oh he knows I am not giving it up until I get to know him better. He said ok and promised he would not. He is in construction and has done paid work for me at the house. I met him on internet. Guy B president of own international company. no spark. told him so..walking to car he wanted a kiss, I told him I was wearing lipstick. wanted to hold hands at dinner..turn off. told him I would think on it. calls me next day and I tell him NO did not want a relationship but he was nice had everything else I was looking for in a man but no spark. we spoke of relationships and I said I want to do things together and get to know each other. He said he wanted me to come over to house and one to one get to know each other then go out and do things...I told him no. calls me two days later and asks me to go to movies. I go every sun anyway so I said yet. he was a gentleman in show. I told him after I was going to eat he said he wanted to go and wanted to take me...so I went. he had something minor said he had ate at home I asked why he came he said he wanted more time with me. we talked. got in his car and he took me back to movie parking lot. got out of car and walked around by door and gave him a quick kiss..why I for the hell of me dont know...anyway I went home. when we initially met wanted me to come to his house for dinner then he wanted me to come over so he could drive for movies and I said no both times. I am not going there. he seems more to me as a friend than lover. whats up with these men. I asked Guy A why he worked so much and he said he doesnt own anyone anything...which didnt ans my question. Said he would take off one day this week to be with me oh whoopi...I had to be nasty to get that, I dont like doing that. I do like his personality and I am drawn to him probably because he is being unavailable to me????; October 26, 2014 at 8:32 PM
Love and respect this man said...: Hello Aphrodite,
I met a man on-line in August 2012 and after several emails, phonecalls, and various texts, we met at a local restaurant for the first time. It took a couple of dates, (where we agreed to meet each other) and we really started to like each other so we started dating exclusively. I can tell that he is a one-woman kind of man. We have been dating for the past 2 years. We spend every other weekend at his house which is in the country. He has 3 beautiful dogs and has chosen not to stay too many time at my house bc he doesn't want to impose upon my small suburban house and yard. (Every other weekend we spend together are the weekends I do not have my children (13, 16, 19). He has 4 grown dtrs (20s-30s) who live within our area. Our families have co-mingled during various gatherings and get along very well. In the past 6 months, he has undergone extreme amount of stress related to his rental properties, some health issues, and his oldest dtr temporarily living with her 2 kids in his homen d/t a divorce. (She just moved out about 1 month ago). In the past 6 months, he has been very busy trying to get back on top of his financial issues. He tends to be very driven and a hard worker. He is sweet, funny, big-hearted, cute, etc. He is one of the few men that I have met who actually is willing to share his insight on relationships and he has the ability to share his self-reflections with me. (He tends to be a private person). Due to high amts of stress in the past 6 months, he has come crashing down and wants space to re-group and re-evaluate what he wants in his life. However, he does not wish to date anyone but me, but to slow things down to a snails pace. I fully respect that. I have read and absorbed your advice regarding men and see that it really makes sense. I also have a very busy life and this slow-down period will lend itself to achieving my various goals as well. My approach is if he texts and only provides information about his day but doesn't ask a direct question. I am thinking that I should mirror the time factor but only if he asks me a direct question. Also, I am thinking of letting him know that I want to get my various items that I've left at his house (for weekend stays), but I would reference it as "I've run out of some stuff at my house, so I'd like to pick up my stuff so I don't have to spend extra money on things that I need and have at your house." What do you think? Am I on the right track? Love and respect this man.; October 28, 2014 at 8:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Love and respect this man,
"What do you think? Am I on the right track?"

Absolutely dear. It's not walking away, it's giving him exactly what he's asked for, which is space. If he's good to you, give him what he needs right now.

However, don't wait around forever. Give him maybe say two months and if he's not in a better head space by then, or seems to be drifting away - you may have to cut him loose at that time (because clinging to him and chasing him down will only backfire).

If that happens, and he genuinely cares for you, know that time heals all wounds and when you set things that you love free, if they come back to you, they're yours. If they don't, then they never were. Have faith. Sometimes space apart actually brings people closer together :-); October 29, 2014 at 5:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror, I have a question, too! I got to know a guy, we only saw us ones in our life, because of special cicumstances, but since then texted and had contact constantly. Now we would be in a position, to even visit each other, and see, who this person really is., but i don't know, how to make him visit me, or tell me, that he really wants me to come, even though, I really would want to get to know him in person. What do you think? What can I do?; November 5, 2014 at 5:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 5, 5:05 PM,
"how to make him visit me, or tell me, that he really wants me to come"

You can't make people do things that they themselves aren't compelled to do. You can't control others, ya' know? You'll have to be patient dear, and see if during conversation - it ever leads in that direction - the direction of him mentioning seeing/visiting you. And then, if so, tell him you'd be happy to visit with him...and see if he takes action to come see you afterwards :-); November 6, 2014 at 4:39 PM
sierra said...: I'm an Aquarius dating a Leo for just over 2 months. For the first few weeks he was very interested in getting to know me - no sexual talk. Our first date was amazing, half the time talking and laughing, the second half passionately making out. He didn't want me to leave.
Now things are so different. When we talk about day-to-day stuff he makes much less effort and doesn't seem interested. 90% of the time we text about sex. We've not actually had sex but we do sexual stuff.

Now he puts off seeing me and isn't bothered when I go home. After that he goes cold and ignores me for a few days.

Then the sexting starts again as I feel like it's the only way to get his attention (I enjoy them too, but I want more as well).

I'm worried that the next time I'll see him we'll have sex for the first time and then I won't ever hear from him again as he got what he wants. We've not even emotionally-bonded yet. I think he started wanting a relationship but now is unsure and might just want a sexual one. I get so many mixed messages. How do I avoid this with him, I really like him and I do think he is a really good guy :(; November 9, 2014 at 12:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sierra,
"How do I avoid this with him"

Don't participate in those conversations. Ignore sexual messages and only respond to those worth responding to.

"I do think he is a really good guy"

You might want to rethink that dear. He may not be a bank robber or a murderer, however, his actions are telling you things - are you listening? Do you see what this means:

"the first few weeks he was very interested in getting to know me - no sexual talk...Now things are so different...90% of the time we text about sex"

"he puts off seeing me and isn't bothered when I go home...he goes cold and ignores me for a few days...Then the sexting starts again as I feel like it's the only way to get his attention"

"I'm worried that...I won't ever hear from him again [after] he got what he wants."

Does that sound like a "really good guy" to you? Do you think that really good men treat women that way, and make them feel like the only time they're worth something, is when they're providing some type of sexual enjoyment via sexting or physical touch?

Gentlemen do NOT do that dear. They do NOT make women feel "less" in that way. And they do NOT make women feel like they're only worth sexual attention and nothing else.

Players do that dear. Men who use women sexually and then disappear do that. They pretend to be nice guys at first, and then their true colors come out once you take the time to get to know them. Your gut is even telling you this, yet you're still convinced he's a "really good guy" in spite of that.

Do NOT ignore your gut dear. It's trying to tell you something, and his actions are also falling in line with what your gut is telling you - confirming those suspicions. My suggestion would be to observe his behavior dear, truly understand what it is telling you - and listen to your gut.; November 11, 2014 at 10:11 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, Thank you so much for your blog, I love it!! I have been reading your reader’s comments and your replies on various articles for a few weeks now. And like so many others have noted. I very much wish I would have stumbled onto something like this ten years ago. Your advice is solid, real and honest. Thank you, for you! I have a few questions. But I know we can’t conquer Rome in a day. So I thought I'd start with one.

In many articles and advice I've seen of yours, the common theme about the way a man pursues a woman typically falls along the lines of what you wrote in the quotation I noted below.

"The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if HE pursues HER. If he doesn't, then that tells you he's not genuinely interested - and you let him go. You don't try to pound a square peg into a round hole. Instead, you simply accept the reality of "what is" and you let go of the fantasy of "what if" and you move on."

So Mirror here's my dilemma. In relationship after relationship I have approached it like this:

1) I let man express interest and I let him do the calling.

2) I’m responsive to his pursuit. I’m happy. Slightly flirty. Welcoming.

3) If he takes 20 minutes to respond to a message so do I. If he takes an hour to respond to a message so
do I. I feel like I have the mirroring in check. I’m not giving more than him. But at the same time I am showing expressive genuine interest.

4) And I’m not initiating anything. I’m only responding.

5) And there’s the problem. Man after man has expressed to me something along the lines of…. You weren’t calling me too. You never initiated anything. So I burned out and gave up.

What am I doing wrong mirror? I’ve read your thoughts on this. Have I just run into 20 plus men who are insecure and don’t want to be men? Or is there something to what they are saying. I’m really second guessing myself. And I’m wondering if as a woman, once a man has shown initial interest. Do I need to play a role in initiating conversations too?

Help!; November 11, 2014 at 10:31 AM
pisces girl said...: hate to say this but it sounds like mirror is right on the ball with this punk ass. He sounds like a player and a douchebag who would wanna hit it and quit it
and would ultimately leave you feeling like crap about yourself and questioning why he disappeared while he moves on to the next challenge. Guys like that really don’t deserve the time of day from us. Actions do speak louder than us and take it from me if you choose to ignore the signs or think you can just have a casual sexual affair with this guy you are the one who will end up paying the price in the end. For them its just another notch in their belt. For women every sexual encounter takes a piece of herself and her value away and once its gone you cant get it back. Don’t delude yourself into thinking he’s a nice guy all the red flags are there and he is telling you through his actions that he is mainly interested in sex with you. Mirror is right as a woman we have to trust our gut it never does fail us.; November 11, 2014 at 3:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear @Sierra,

Hope you don't mind me throwing in my two cents here, but I cannot agree with Mirror more on this one, I was in a very similar situation with a man and unfortunately I ignored my gut and every red flag... and I got burned... and it was very hard for me to get over this one, especially because I truly believed he was a sweet guy... I think there is a term for this phenomenon and its called "Cognitive Dissonance" ( In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values.) This especially starts when they later start to offer only drips and drabs of attention, which makes you feel good in that moment but essentially gets you hooked and unable to stop thinking about them during the moments of ignorance.

Just my thoughts. We have to be so vigilant with our hearts these days. x; November 12, 2014 at 6:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Help!
"You weren’t calling me too. You never initiated anything. So I burned out and gave up."

Well that pursuit referenced there is mainly directed towards the the early days of dating, when you don't know each other well yet. Once the man has proved himself to you, once he's remained consistent and genuinely interested and he's proved this time and again via his actions - and you trust him - you can then start to reciprocate a bit of that back. Naturally you won't want to go full throttle on him, but once a man has proved himself, you can begin to reciprocate back.

The early pursuit is meant mainly to filter those genuinely interested from those that are just bored and seeking to use someone for a while and then move on. So once you've "filtered" a man and he's proved himself genuinely interested, you can take some steps towards him.

Now if a man is throwing that ole "you didn't call so I bolted" stuff at you after only knowing you a couple weeks and has done nothing to prove himself - let those ones go. Because you've just filtered him out as a lazy man who most likely would never lift a finger for you and would expect YOU to do all the work to keep the relationship going. That type of behavior runs rampant with "players" - men who aren't serious about women or relationships, and are simply oriented towards manipulating them into thinking they're great guys early on, only to end up dumping them once they have sex with them a few times.

It's emotional manipulation when used like that. So you're either not reciprocating with men who are genuinely interested...or you're encountering a slew of lazy, bad boy player types that emotionally manipulate and use women. Those types...if you don't chase them, they tend to get very nasty about it, and then blame YOU for the reason they've failed.

They shift the blame off themselves and onto you with the ole "you didn't chase me so I bolted" instead of manning up and saying, "I'm too lazy to work real hard at this, I'm more used to things coming easy for me and women jumping into my lap - and when they don't, I place the blame on them and then I disappear."

"Have I just run into 20 plus men who are insecure and don’t want to be men?"

You know, I don't wanna' depress you here LOL...but you've seen this sight dear. It gives you a good glimpse at the current trends taking place in the dating world. And the reality is that they are a lot of lazy, entitled men out there who do not feel they need to work for a woman's interest or prove themselves as honorable. The new hookup environment we live in, where sex is in high supply with very little effort, has created that mindset.

When sex is in high supply, demand for relationships decreases. When sex is in short supply, demand for relationships increases.

And guess what reality we're currently living in dear? Yea - the "sex is in high supply" hookup land reality. As a result, many modern men don't feel the need to put any real effort into the work involved in establishing genuine relationships with women...because they simply don't want them. Sex is in high supply, it comes real easy...so there's no need to commit to a relationship in order to secure it.

You're not going to buy the cow when you're already getting the milk for free, ya' know?

It's the Law of Supply and Demand. When supply (sex) is high, demand (for a relationship) drops. When supply is short (sex), demand (need to secure a relationship) increases.

And with a lot of these guys, if they don't get laid on the second date or see the woman beginning to chase them down...they don't bother to put another single ounce of effort into it.

It's really not very impressive at all - and it leaves many, many women wondering, "Where have all the good men gone?" It's like gentlemen are a very rare, nearly extinct species now :-(; November 12, 2014 at 6:00 PM
Shelby said...: Mirror,

This is "Help" November 11th 10:31am. ( I apologize if I have posted this twice. I'm not so sure it went through the first time.)

I have to admit when I saw your reply I was really nervous and half afraid to read what you wrote. …And wow, I was shocked in a good way, …you really covered every angle. I really appreciate and acknowledge that. You are very thorough, ..without being overboard. Thank you. It was the general direction and conformation of what I wanted to know about my current behavior.

Prior to coming across your blog, which I love! I had often read another blogger, Evan Marc Katz. …And From my understanding he describes himself as an alpha male with a long track history of dating many several women before he met his wife. Anyways; once upon a time who knows when; but sometime ago; I came across this excerpt from his material. It really talks to mirroring and initiating. He says:

“Your observation that men are chiding you for not chasing him down is a valid one. I’ve heard it from other women before and will admit to being perplexed by it. All I can suggest is that these men who need YOU to call THEM are pretty much like women themselves.

Just look at his reaction: a text to tell you that he doesn’t hear from you enough, so it must be over. Hate to say this, but it sounds like a woman to me. I dated my wife for a year and a half before proposing and I don’t think she initiated contact with me once in that time. It’s not because she was playing games. It’s because she knew that if I wanted to talk to her, I’d call her.

Most women don’t have the fortitude to really trust that a guy WILL make the effort for them, so you try to manipulate it subtly:”

….So mirror; I think in my mind when I read this alpha male dating coach state that his now wife NEVER initiated until they were engaged. I thought to myself wow! Really! Not until they were engaged. What?!?
I’m like any other girl. I want in the very worst way to ring a man’s phone off the hook if I like him. And after reading Evan’s article I certainly did not take it to the extreme of waiting till I was engaged to initiate. I’d still be waiting. But I do think after I read that excerpt I thought to myself. I REALLY need to lean back here. I need to let the guy do the calling until he officially makes me his girlfriend. (And unfortunately that hasn’t happened either)

What I’m gathering from what you wrote within your reply to me. Is perhaps I don’t need to wait until I’m the official girlfriend. What I really need to do is trust my own intuition. Trust my instincts to know that the guy has put in the effort through actions and words. ..That he really is in fact interested in exploring a relationship with me. …and then yes – it’s ok to initiate some of the time too. Am I grasping that right mirror?

My fear has been that if I do initiate before I am his girlfriend. I’ll rob the guy of his natural need to chase for the prize.

Thank you.; November 14, 2014 at 9:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Shelby,
"I REALLY need to lean back here. I need to let the guy do the calling until he officially makes me his girlfriend."

This might shed a bit of light on things for you dear. You need to understand something - REAL MEN, masculine gentlemen - they ENJOY THE CHASE. When you take that away from them, it ruins the fun for them. Men are competitive by nature, they like to conquer things. And they understand that conquering something...requires HARD WORK.

I give this example often, that came from the book, "Why Men Love Bitches." Imagine you have a masculine guy that enjoys hunting. Now picture walking up to his door with a deer on a leash, ringing the doorbell, and asking him to shoot the deer.

Think that's enjoyable for him? Think it fires up those competitive juices that make him feel alive? Think he'll cherish that as a "win" - a conquer? No, he won't.

But he WILL sit in a tree stand for hours on end, having entered it in the dead of night prior to daylight. He'll sit there for hours and hours waiting patiently for the right moment to strike...the moment his targets in his sights. He'll shoot, and if it's not a kill shot...he'll track that deer for miles through thick forest and snow covered lands in 20 degree weather until he lands that deer. And then he'll run home, take pictures, show everyone, tell all his friends, and he'll mount that deer head on his living room wall.

See the difference? They ENJOY the hunt dear, the chase, so LET THEM CHASE YOU ;-)

"What I’m gathering from what you wrote within your reply to me. Is perhaps I don’t need to wait until I’m the official girlfriend. What I really need to do is trust my own intuition. Trust my instincts to know that the guy has put in the effort through actions and words. ..That he really is in fact interested in exploring a relationship with me. …and then yes – it’s ok to initiate some of the time too. Am I grasping that right mirror?"

Yes, that's pretty much the general idea. However, even in that instance dear...those times should be FEW and far between and really pretty much only the times I've referenced here in this article under the section "When to Text a Man."; November 14, 2014 at 6:59 PM
Shelby said...: Mirror, I want to thank you for your reply. I very much appreciate your time as well as your advice. Shelby; November 16, 2014 at 3:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

This nice guy started following me on Twitter, then sent me a private message and was chatting me up. Conversation was going good and then he said, "you can text if you'd rather" and sent me his number. I was not going to text him first, so I said, I gotta run, actually, but i'll talk to ya later - and i attached my phone number to the message.

So, he text me later that evening around dinner and we texted back and forth for a couple hours. So, I heard from him again randomly the next day, here and there. He sent a what's going on text around 8 pm. I responded at 8:30 with my answer and asked what's up with you? No response and nothing the next day all day until that night. He text me "Hola!" at 10pm. I was just about to go to bed, so I didn't text him back. I'm wondering if that was the right thing to do. I've read your site and the "Bitch" book and such to try to make sure i'm being confident and not accepting treatment that I don't deserve. I think it is ridiculous to not text or talk to a girl all day and then text her at 10pm. What do you think MOA? How should I handle this? Should I have text back? I know you are supposed to "teach" people how to treat you...and I just think if this guy was really interested in talking to me and asking how my day was he could have text me after work sometime maybe, but not 10pm.

What do you think I should do going forward?; November 18, 2014 at 7:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Update MOA, I work with this guy. The late 10pm texter I just wrote you about and he stopped in to my office and said good morning to me and chatted for a sec. I told him, Hey I got your text this morning. If ya wanna talk to me, your gonna have to get me earlier (or something to that effect) (said with a smile, of course).

He said, oh, ok, sorry.

And now I feel like a complete dumbass! Should i have not done that! I feel like I have noooo idea how to do this! How to be confident and not settle for less than i deserve but also set the standard for a guy who's interested. I like who I am. I am confident in myself in every way except when it comes to guys!!! I get nervous, say all the wrong things, and am too nice! Please tell me how to fix this and how I should behave to enact my power. I have not texted this guy first even once. I wait to text him back for 30 min to 1 hr after the first text and then text him every 5 min or so if we are engaged in a conversation. I am trying to have healthy boundaries that say - you have to work hard if you want to be with me - and trying to put myself on that pedestal, but I feel like i am failing miserably and wish somebody would give me a play by play and teach me how to do this!!!! Please help!; November 18, 2014 at 8:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 18, 8:32 AM,
"I feel like i am failing miserably"

You're not failing miserably dear - you're just meeting lazy men that aren't the RIGHT men for YOU.

If you're too tired to text, or you're sleeping and you don't text back, this is nothing to worry about. Text by it's very nature permits messages to be responded to when it's convenient for the user. It's similar to ringing someone's phone and getting their answering machine. If they're unavailable to speak, they get a message and simply call back later when they're available.

If a guy is going to let something that minor interfere with his pursuit of you, then he's simply NOT the right guy for you. Because strong, confident, mature men would not be deterred by that. They'd simply say to themselves, "She must be busy, I'll probably hear from her later." And that's fine with them, because they're RESPECTFUL.

Men who are NOT respectful, are immature, and lack self-confidence and are insecure - they're the one's who act childishly. And those ACTIONS are TELLING you something about their character. If they expect everyone to be available to them and their beck and call, that signals they feel "entitled" in some manner, and superior to others as well. And if they take it a step further and become angered the couple times that occurs, that tells you they're a bit immature.

And the reality dear is that immature, entitled, lazy, selfish, insecure men - do NOT make for good boyfriends, lovers or husbands. Because they will never be able to fulfill your emotional needs as a woman and make you happy - because they simply don't care to do so, nor do they give anyone but themselves a second thought.

I wouldn't feel bad about missing a text or explaining to someone that if they need to reach me, most likely they won't be able to after 10PM. I see that as a very minor and completely understandable thing. And if the person I've explained that too reacts to that information in a childish manner - I'd probably not bother to waste another ounce of my time fretting over them, ya' know? :-); November 18, 2014 at 10:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much. I will see if i hear from him today and how he handles my telling him he has to call/text earlier if he wants to talk. Maybe he will actually do it. But if I don't hear from him at all today or tomorrow, I'm letting the "idea" of this go completely. Like you said, I don't need a "lazy" man and he hasn't even asked me out.; November 18, 2014 at 11:46 AM
Anonymous said...: Update MOA on Nice guy/Late texter....he did text back and earlier. We actually had a date for drinks the next night, just for a couple hours. So, here's the good and the bad and i'm hoping you can give me some insight into this. The good is we had a date and I had a BLAST! We laughed and joked the whole time and also got to know each other a bit better. I think he had fun, too. The bad is that we both drank way too much. I only had 3 drinks (normally just 2), however, I had had a long day and really hadn't eaten anything and it kicked my butt! He had a lot too. At the end of the night, I told him thanks and that I had a really good time. No kissing or anything. Just smiled and went home. He text me to see if I made it home. I was asleep already. He text me again the next morning to make sure I was ok, so then I called him to tell him I was really sick and not going in to work. We work together and he said, oh I am sorry, we should not have had so much to drink. (I have NEVER been sick from drinking before. And I actually think it may have been a 24 hour bug because it lasted all night and all day). Anyway, I wished him a safe trip because he was leaving to go home for the holidays right after work and had a 9 hour drive ahead of him. So, this is my question...after the morning conversation yesterday, I didn't hear from him again that day. I know he was on the road driving to his home, so I tell myself that he shouldn't have texted anyway, but when i was on twitter this morning I saw he had posted some stuff late last night.

So, I'm wondering, is he still interested? Did I screw it up by having too much to drink? Why didn't he text me? Is it normal for a guy not to call/text after a date?

Also, even though I know we are not supposed to text first, I kinda followed my heart on this and went ahead and text him this morning and said, "Just wanted to say hey and make sure you made it to home ok??(despite our late night craziness lol)"

I thought it was the right thing to do. but maybe i'm wrong. he hasn't texted me back yet, and i'm pretty sure he's still sleeping, but if he doesn't text back at ALL should I just let it go and understand that he's probably not interested. Oh, and by the way, this was the first time and only time I texted first.

Just wondering where to go from here. I want to be myself, but don't want to suffocate anyone and i want to maintain some intrigue and mystery to keep his interest. I'm just so nervous cuz i really like this guy. Now, I understand if I don't hear back from him at all this whole week that he is gone, I am just going to play it cool when he gets back to work and just treat him like a friend/buddy and act like it didn't hurt my feelings that he didn't call. And if he does text, how what do I do?

You've helped me so much before, I'm hoping you can give me some advice to calm my nerves and keep me on the right track. I am staying busy with work, grad school, friends, and having fun, but this is on my mind a lot, so i would really appreciate your words of wisdom.

Thanks!; November 21, 2014 at 9:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 21, 9:47 AM,
"Is it normal for a guy not to call/text after a date?"

Well, a couple things dear. First of which, he already DID text you after the date, "He text me to see if I made it home." Second, to answer the question, what you need to realize is that this is not a relationship. It's casual dating, and it's only been one date - and you can't expect relationship type communication (daily, regular), when dating casually (not daily, not regular).

So to answer the question, yes it's normal not to hear from a guy after a date - when only casually dating. The only time you can expect regular daily communication from a man - is when you're in a committed relationship with him.

"if he doesn't text back at ALL should I just let it go and understand that he's probably not interested"

You should let it go - but you should also realize that that doesn't mean he's not interested. It simply means that this is casual dating, which won't include regular, daily communication or "good morning" texts. If you jump in and try to take the lead here, and speed things along into relationship territory fast...he may sense that and bolt on you. Additionally, he can't take the lead - if you do not permit him the space to do so, ya' know?

"And if he does text, how what do I do?"

Nothing - YOU are not required to "do" anything here - he is, he's the man, so let him take the lead. Let him exhibit his masculine energy (leading, initiating), while you make full use of your feminine energy (submissive, following). So if he texts you - all you have to do is take a bit of time first (say maybe a half hour to an hour)...and then respond. That's it. That's all you have to "do" here. His job as a man is to lead, and your job as a woman is to submit to his lead, if that's what you choose to do. Nothing more than that needs to take place on your part.

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if HE pursues HER (initiates communication, calls, asks for dates, etc.) - so give him lots of space and time to see if he steps forward and does that :-); November 22, 2014 at 8:16 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, MOA. And I'm so glad we finally are able to make donations now! Thanks for all u do :); November 22, 2014 at 2:32 PM
Shelby said...: Mirror,

I can't believe I'm writing this, simply because I've never met a man in which I felt like he was calling me too much. I'm usually in a situation where they are not calling at all. For roughly three weeks now I've been corresponding with a man that I've met on a dating site. He has a lot going for him. I like him!!! The challenge with this particular guy is he wants to talk to me nearly every night on the phone. It's a lot. I feel like this should happen sometime down the road when we've actually made the transition into a relationship. What's your opinion here. Currently, I've been trying to put on the breaks by saying, I'm busy tonight let's catch up soon. Would you recommend keeping the path of making up reasons why I can't talk. What do you think if I actually just said; hey let's slow this down a bit. It's a bit fast for me. I'd like to handle this right mirror. I feel like after all my disappearing guys I should be grateful to have one that wants to talk and I don't want to lose him. But It's literally a minimum of an hour; every time he gets me on the phone. It would even longer than an hour if I didn't cut him off. I'm feeling drained.; November 23, 2014 at 8:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Shelby,
I understand dear. It is very draining when someone wants more of you than you're able to give. And right now, at a minimum of an hour a day, basically by the end of the week, you've invested what nearly amounts to an entire workday into him - a 7 hour shift LOL.

And while that's nice, it is cause for a bit of concern. Because you have to ask, why does he not have his own life and his own interests to tend to? Is he "needy" and will that be a problem? Is he trying to "fast track" things and take you for a ride? Is he insecure and would he be clingy and jealous in a relationship? Just some things to keep in mind, because I'm sensing a heavy "need" here.

And if that's the case, if he is needy and possibly insecure, if you approach him with the "let's slow down" talk, he may take that very personally. He may take that as rejection, instead of a simple request. So if you're going to make that request, just be prepared to reassure him in case he's sensitive and feels jilted somehow.

One other suggestion might be - at the end of your next phone call - you could try saying something like, "Let's talk again on Thursday." Making a statement that signals your next availability several days later. And if he questions that, just explain that you have limited availability and that's the next time you're free to talk :-); November 25, 2014 at 7:30 AM
Shelby said...: Exactly Mirror! I one hundred percent expect a relationship to entail work. But this is feeling like a "job." And at that, not one I'm particularly excited to show up for.... Thank you. I appreciate your look and feedback on the particular challenge I'm having with this guy. I like him and I hope he and I can find a communication pace that works for us both. I'm certain I'll be back. If not for advice and a sounding board in regards to this guy; ...for someone else. Happy Holidays. Shelby; November 25, 2014 at 5:51 PM
Anonymous said...: hi moa....i wrote in a couple posts ago on 'Nice guy/Late texter'...and i really appreciated your advice...so, i have an update and more questions if you don't mind. he did not contact me over thanksgiving break, at all. as soon as we got back, i saw him at a friends bday party and i said hi when he saw me and was nice but avoided him the whole night. caught him looking at me and trying to make conversation with me but i stayed very non-chalant. so as soon as i left, he texts me - 'everything ok'...you were really quiet tonight...i played it cool and said yes im good was just tired cuz of finals, etc. anyway, he's been texting me ever since. i've been trying to not text him much and after long periods of time, etc. we work at the same place and he came to sit in my office and chat me up for about 20 minutes after work the next day.

so, here's the thing. i like him. a lot. and i feel like he likes me. however, he supposedly has an on and off girlfriend who lives out of state, and i am pretty sure that right now they are 'on' though this is just what i have heard from my friend, but he still texts me and flirts, etc. i'm pretty sure he is not happy with her, and hey, i've been there, but still, i want to be with someone who is free and clear of a relationship.

so, last night he texts me...i really hurt myself working out today...i said aww man, hope u feel better...he says, hey wanna make 50 bucks...i say, lol, sure, how...he says, i really need a massage lol...i said, massage, huh, don't you have a girlfriend, i don't think she'd be too happy about that....he said, i told ya i was paying lol

anyway, this just pissed me off...i know he likes me, but i will never be somebodies second best or 'the other woman'...and i felt insulted. he didn't say, yes i have a girlfriend, he tried to play it cool.

my response to that comment was,....well, i'm worth a lot more than that actually, goodnight.

he text me back immediately, well?? ok? lol...how was the movie? - cuz i just got back from a movie.

i did not answer. he did not write back. everything within me wants to text him and hear from him, and i know he is a great guy, that's the hard part. he keeps mentioning having a bonfire, which is what he talked about on our date, but he hasn't actually asked me out again.

here's the thing. i want to protect myself. i want to play hard to get and have him realize my worth and that i am better than a side 'flirt friend'. i know he may not ever break up with his girlfriend, and that's fine, i'm not looking to be 'that girl' either. i'm just saying if he really isn't happy, he needs to do that on his own, before trying to pursue me/flirt, etc.

so, i guess what i'm asking is if he does text me, call, or come talk to me at work, how do i act? behave? how do i be a strong woman who isn't going to take shit but also let him realize he is missing out on a good thing. we have a mutual close friend who has told me he is really unhappy with his girlfriend, but like i said, he has to handle his business.

my thoughts were to go no contact if he texts me...but if he calls, which doesn't happen, or comes to see me at work and talk, then i could tell him, look, we are friends, and i like you, but you've got a girlfriend and unless ur single/back on the market, we don't need to be flirting or texting. i'm not that kinda girl. it's called having integrity.

what do you think? please help.; December 6, 2014 at 11:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 6, 1:43 AM,
"i guess what i'm asking is if he does text me, call, or come talk to me at work, how do i act? behave?"

Don't change your behavior for him. Continue to be yourself, and continue to stick to your own set of values. I know you think he's a great guy, but let's be realistic - great guys don't attempt to start things up with other women outside of their committed relationship and toy with the idea of cheating. And there's an old saying, "If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you." So keep that in mind and try not to gloss over the reality of what he's doing here, because if you were his girlfriend and you found out he was doing this with another woman, instead of either focusing on repairing his relationship with you or ending it entirely, you'd feel betrayed by him and wouldn't view him as a great guy, ya' know? So just because it's not happening to you at the moment, doesn't mean that what he's doing here isn't wrong.

At this point, he's a friend at best. So there's really nothing you can do but keep being yourself and as I stated above, sticking to your values. It's not necessary to spell it out for him. All you need to do is refuse anything underhanded he's suggesting - like for instance, disguising a sexual advance as a job offer for a masseuse LOL ;-) You don't have to spell it out - he's a smart guy, he's savvy enough to be attempting this kind of manipulation, so simply refusing insulting offers should be more than enough to signal to him that you're not that kind of girl.; December 8, 2014 at 4:41 PM
Anonymous said...: thanks moa, update...i didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend...and he decided to update his twitter account with a pic of him and the girl and his status to 'gladly taken'...because i was emotional, i'll admit that i checked his page more than a few times and he changed his status and the picture 2 different times...like how pitiful is that...apparently me shutting him down really got to him so now it seems he's putting that all up on twitter for the world to see...or really me...i don't think it's a coincedence that he did that the very next day and has changed it so much...what a jerk...i feel sorry for the girl

and i decided if he doesn't apologize to me for being out of line with his comments than we don't even need to be friends.

hope i'm on the right track here. thanks for all you do.; December 8, 2014 at 4:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror! I have a quick question and I hope you can answer me soon :) Ok so I've been dating this guy (been on 4 dates) for about 2 months now... and he messed up last time with our date by cancelling last minute which meant I didn't get to go out that night cos he had booked me. He apologized a lot but I decided not to speak to him again (at least for a period of time until he would chase me). Ten days passed and he got in touch again asking how I am and then explaining that he didn't text sooner because he was giving me space after what happened. I waited a day before replying...still feeling like I need to keep a distance and if I'm gonna date him again I will have to be cautious... So I replied like nothing happened ''hey I'm good how about you...'' something like that. He responded and continued the conversation but I am not sure how to act now with the texting. Do I reply (waiting 2-3 hours) and then add a question at the end to continue the conversation and show I am positive about interacting? Or do I reply kind of coldly without continuing the conversation and make him chase? I have decided that if it feels right after a few weeks I will accept a date. Maybe me being cold now with texting isn't gonna get me the results I want?; December 13, 2014 at 9:34 AM
Anonymous said...: P.S: For example I didn't ask him back for the last text he sent and he anyway sent another message and asked more questions and again I replied (this morning cos I was busy last night) but I didnt ask him anything back... so he got my reply a few hours ago and he's read it from what I can see...but he hasn't replied yet and I'm thinking maybe I'm being too cold by not asking back and he's not gonna continue the conversation...; December 13, 2014 at 9:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 13, 9:34 AM,
"Do I reply (waiting 2-3 hours) and then add a question at the end to continue the conversation and show I am positive about interacting? Or do I reply kind of coldly without continuing the conversation and make him chase?"

The way to pique a man's interest isn't to be "cold" to him. The way to do that is to be scarce. Meaning, the only general times to initiate contact are listed in this article. If you're scarce like that, it places the onus of contact on him (if he's genuinely interested). Then the times he contacts you, if you're interested, you remain somewhat just slightly out of reach (take 20 minutes, half hour to respond during a back and forth conversation to pace things out), but you remain approachable, warm and interested when you do respond.

It's not about being cold, it's about being scarce. Being scarce makes them wonder why you're not firing right back and entering into a speed text session (like a lot of women tend to do). It makes him wonder who you're with, what you're doing, etc. And then when you do respond, you encourage him to continue contacting you (if he's treating you right) by remaining upbeat, fun, carefree and interesting - making him want more of that from you. That positive response is the green light for him to continue.

It's not about being cold. It's about pacing things out slowly, and signaling that you're not sitting around waiting by the phone for him and then pouncing on his communications with lightening speed, making yourself overly available to him. If he's genuinely interested, and he's getting good vibes in response - he'll want more of that, and he'll ramp up his efforts ;-); December 13, 2014 at 12:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for the insight. :-)

I will not be cold but scarce then.

So we were texting all day today and following your advice I made sure I didn't reply too soon etc...However, things have been like this with him since we started dating.

We've been dating for 1,5 months now technically, but he lives in another city but visits my city every month for a few days or more because of work and his family living here. I also visit his city often too because I have my family there so we've managed to go out on a total of 4 dates in these 1,5 months. So he texts me and nearly always takes the initiative, but he always spaces out the texts by 1-4 hours...he is a very busy person and I guess I shouldn't be negative yet as I dont know him well enough.

So the general picture is that he keeps regular contact (message conversations spread out across more than 1 day sometimes as we never text goodnight but it gets late and we just reply the next day). He also is very careful to ask me how I am, how my day was, how did this/that project go etc... However something bugs me but I am giving it a chance because I know I'm insecure and I always stress in the beginning of relationships and expect commitment asap...so I'm not 100% ok with him because he has backed out of plans with me once or twice due to being busy (business or social) whereas I haven't...so I'm uncomfortable with myself because the 2 times he had to change our plans I was flexible and agreed to change the time. So I started feeling exposed about that and then 2 weeks ago that happened (he cancelled on his last night in my city) and I stopped talking to him. That was the 2nd of the 2 times he changed the plans. The 1st time was ok because he let me know well in advance and I was able to make other plans. So I stopped talking to him the last time because I felt stupid and because initially that night he changed the time to later and then he cancelled eventually so I felt like a fool and like I was reallyyy available - which is what I showed.

So now, after his apologies- my silence-and his recontacting, we're talking again but I am very conscious of not seeming like I'm over available again especially after what happened. And even now that we're talking again and messaging each other, the fact that he replies with a delay makes me feel more insecure.

Am I just not very good at dealing with new relationships or are there alarm bells ringing?; December 13, 2014 at 6:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 13, 6:36 PM,
The reality is that it's too soon to tell what this man's about ya' know? You don't know him well and you need more time to get to know him. But in the meantime, you should be dating other men. You have no commitment to this man, nor he to you, and when you date other men (no sex) you don't get all wrapped up about one of them, ya' know?

You should be keeping your options open and not placing all of your expectations onto this one man, because again, there's no commitment here. And if you date other men, they'll provide a nice distraction, they'll get you out socializing, and they'll give you reasons to make other plans instead of waiting on this man to make them.

The pre-commitment days for women can be stressful and cause lots of anxiety, I realize that. Because women want commitment but need to "hang loose" until they get to know the guy. So do your best to hang loose right now and stay busy in your own life, not waiting on him.

And the next time he wants to change a time for a date on you - don't permit it. Once you do that and accept it one time, they think it's okay to do that all the time and you can end up taken for granted. Instead, if he changes a time on you - you cancel the date entirely. You kindly say, "It's okay, I understand. But this isn't going to work for me today unfortunately. So I've gone and made other plans tonight. This should free you up, you won't be rushed now and we'll just make plans for another date on another day when you have more time is all. Have a great time, gimmie' a call when you think you'll have time for another date :-)"

And then you either make other plans, or you fib about having other plans and do whatever you want to do that night instead. This signals to him that you're not going to put yourself aside for him, and that your time is valuable as well, you have a life of your own and you're in demand too - others want to spend time with you as well. It signals to him that if he cancels or pushes a date time back, he risks losing the date with you entirely. So if he wants to see you - he has to make you a PRIORITY.

That's how you take control of the situation and don't let it spiral into one where he's constantly setting you aside, and making other things a priority instead. Because if you are too willing to accommodate him on that, he'll begin to do it regularly...as you're already seeing.

So don't permit it. Kindly reject the date entirely and signal to him that you have a life of your own and your time is valuable and others want to see you as well...and that if he can't make you a priority, then you're not going to make him one either. Level the playing field here ;-); December 14, 2014 at 9:26 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Moaa, love your site! I have a dilemma though. I have been texting this guy for a cuople of weeks now. When he responds, he likes to consistently text haha at the beginning or the end of texts? (we text for a couple hours, but what's with all the hahas?)

haha I love that game!

(one time I received the one below)

me: (said something funny)

him: hahahahahahahahaha! (yep, nine ha's)

Is he insecure? Bad conversation skills? Help!; December 14, 2014 at 11:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I'm in a situation and was hoping if you could give me some advice. I met a guy last year, we talked for a few months before having the chance to meet up. We saw each other three times, through our meetings and conversation, we hit it off and talked about everything. I thought he would have been a potential boyfriend but after our third date, he stopped reaching out to me. I texted him twice to see how he was doing, and he seemed distant. When I confronted him about that, he said his job is really busy and he wasnt ready for anything serious After that, I never contacted him and vice versa. However, in October, he reached out to me and asked if I had found anyone. I replied after much contemplation and told him I was doing fine and havent found anyone. So he started to talk to me, and it just felt like we picked up where we left off. We ended meeting up casually one day when I was out with a friend. He continued to talk to me but lately, he stopped his communication with me. I know we dont have any commitments to each other but for a while I still hoped he was the one. So my question is, should I bother asking him if hes interested in dating me or should I just forget everything and move on?

Thanks Mirror.

Confused Girl; December 15, 2014 at 2:47 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror: Thanks so much! One more thing that really confuses me and makes me wonder whether he's just playing games now and trying to take power, is that although he's been very attentive with texting since I started talking to him again, today that I texted first to send him sth relevant to a previous conversation... He responded and complimented and then asked me sth else and I replied with sth funny that I ,like anyone, expected a comment in response.. But instead he read the message and ignored it. I know this pattern of his from before and it means he will reply tomorrow thus continuing the conversation of today and asking me a new question and continuing the conversation. This will lead to 2-3 message conversations per day that will involve him cutting them off and continuing the next day. What should I do? What does this mean?; December 15, 2014 at 8:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 14, 11:12 PM,
Well, I think there's some immaturity here. Either he's nervous, and he's attempting to cover that up with tons of humor - or he's a bit immature, and everything is somewhat of a joke to him, ya' know? Which is unfortunate for him if that's the case because he'll never be taken seriously himself communicating like that all the time.; December 16, 2014 at 9:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused Girl,
"should I bother asking him if hes interested in dating me or should I just forget everything and move on?"

Don't bother asking - it will make you look insecure/desperate in his eyes, and he'll feel like he has the upper hand if you're concerned about him walking away.

I wouldn't waste another ounce of time on him. He's not ready and his actions are showing that. He's inconsistent and unreliable. He has stated he wants nothing serious, and he's already been given a second chance - that resulted in the same exact outcome. And as we all know dear, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again...and expecting different results. So "repeating" this entire process yet again will most likely result in the same exact outcome - again. As a result, I wouldn't bother and I'd do my best to move on past him.; December 16, 2014 at 9:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 15, 8:41 PM,
"What should I do?"

Level the playing field by mirroring his own behavior (doing what he does). Don't initiate contact with him. And when you respond, take your good old time (an hour between each response). And then after your response, when he texts you again - don't respond back until the next day.

This will signal to him that you're onto what he's doing and how he's treating you - and that you, in turn, will then treat him the same way. If he isn't going to make you a priority that's fine. But that means that you don't have to make him one either - it works both ways. It will signal to him that if he wants to be your priority, he will need to make you his priority. It will level the playing field and put you both at equal terms with one another.; December 16, 2014 at 9:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Aphrodite -

I'm back again - love going thru your blog on a REGULAR basis, I read over and over and over. But I need help on one case of mine

He is a friend of mine, but we never met in person as he lives in a different country and travels all the time as so do I. Plus I had a boyfriend the time we actually started speaking - even though he has been on my facebook ever since 2007!

So we've been in contact for about a year. Once I went NC for 6 months as I wanted to concentrate on my relationship I was already in. And we picked up like it was yesterday. ...so for the last 6 months we've been in contact and then at times we just go NC, either him or me. We've tried to make plans to meet up but it never panned out. I think deeo down inside I was a bit scared of him...as he is very intelligent, interesting, mysterious, charming etc etc

So in mid nov he out the blue asked me if I'd like to spend this xmas and new years with him in his city London. I said yes. He eventually sent me his invitation letter so I can apply for my visa.

So because of your site, I have learned not initiate contact with him. But I've noticed when it comes to weekends I don't hear anything from him. Last week he called me for the first time since the beginning of the year just to talk to me and I could hear he was happy and excited to talk to me. But since that call which was last week thurs up until Wednesday, I haven't heard from him cos he flew from london to dubai to singapore just for a business meeting back to london. And he messages me on Wednesday asking me why he hasnt gotten one single message from me and if everything was okay with me. I said yeah I'm alive and healthy. And then we spoke a bit on and off during the course of friday, and he kept bringing up why I dont text him to let him know I also want to keep in communication with him. He wants to know that I too want to talk to him.

Needless to say I just told him that we are both busy, and 99% of the time I never know where he is, what his doing or if he is even awake. And I told him that I am following his lead...cos if he is free he'd contact me and if I'm busy I'd tell him, etc etc that topic has been going on until this evening.

1.He wants me to initiate contact with him. He says he does not want to be the only one initiating contact. And he seems incessant about it.
2. I am not 100% sure but I think he might be fooling around with some beautiful girl in london and invite her over to dubai to when his working there. I noticed there's two pics of her legs on his Instagram. And she's got the same pics and pic of his car on her profile. I've asked him randomly yesterday if he was seeing/dating/having fun with any girl currently and he said no, and why if he invited me to spend xmas and nye in his city with him.
3. In the very beginning when we started chatting he told me something "I dont get into relationships easily or show my feelings cos theres so many girls telling me they love me so soon or when they dont even know me properly."

Why is he wanting me to message him at times first??? Is he testing me cos he's noticed I never initiate contact? Does it even mean anything if he invited me to spend xmas and nye in his city if he was seeing someone else?

Your insight would be greatly appreciated!

Ps. Ready for the festive season darling???

Love,
Peaches xx; December 20, 2014 at 4:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,

I wrote on your Red Flags Blog Taurus Man (31) and me Scorpio 34, blowing hot for 3mo during our online period, spent every waking moment unless I was at school or working, having skype dates with movies, falling asleep together. The first month TM visited to the state I live things were great, we spent quality time fri-mon the first two weekends and then things begin to space out. During this time, he let me talk with his mom, met his father and grandmother at this fathers house. His last two weeks here I begin noticing the change and yes I fell for the game even up until our last time spent together. So below describes what is going on now.

I started the NC after Wed night after receiving a last text from TM after his usual stunt of minimal "ooh okay fosho. He had contacted me earlier that day (Wed) to say that I wasnt a one night stand or booty call (picking pieces of a txt I sent Sunday but no explaination of his pulling away), after that just went all day NC. He text me later that evening with a random question from a text I sent, I ignored his tantrum like responses and I invited him to talk about it because I had said a lot a few days prior and sounds like he had questions and things to get off on his chest as well. I didnt know if he was still in the state, so I suggested for us to go to breakfast, then he said he was back in our home state. I invited him to skype, he claimed his laptop was at his uncles and the one he was on, didnt have skype.

At that point I told TM That he has my number and ways to contact me, when he was ready, lets find a time that works for both of us and not let this linger and not discuss it through a text so things dont get misunderstood. Wished him well during his trip and time with his family and whatever else he had planned. All I got in response was an "Oh oh ok fosho." I ceased contact.

We spent last weekend Friday/Sat together before he left. Since Sunday last weekend, I have been trying to heal myself of this twisted game of the disappearing act/pulling back, I recognized during this time he had been playing the last two weeks of his 1.5 month visit with his fam. I decided to fix myself up, get back to work, so I could boost my ego and self esteem. As I stated we had NC since Wed night, he hasnt sent a text, logged into skype, or called. He has logged onto a social media site we both are on every day for brief periods, I posted a pic of me all dolled up last night, he signs on and "likes" it.

At first I got cocky about it saying he is checking for me, but then I came off cloud 9 and said maybe he trying to draw attention to see if I contact him, another test of his. I am still holding strong to NC, got solid advice from my males friends, which one shared, "NC drops a mans ego and breaks him down."

Its sad men do this to women, but during this time I have been doing self development and for the first time in a week, I have not woke up crying. I take responsibilty for my actions, maybe I was overbearng trying to get to the bottom.of things, bit that still does not excuse his behavior. Christmas is coming up, should I even bother saying Merry Christmas?; December 21, 2014 at 1:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 21, 1:31 PM,
"should I even bother saying Merry Christmas?"

NC means no contact (no initiating), and no response (no answering), for a full 30 days - and all he hears are crickets chirping, nothing else. So if you're attempting NC with him, then no I wouldn't contact him.; December 22, 2014 at 9:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Taurus (31) and Scorpio (34)

Thank you MOA, I have been getting so much advice from bot male and female friends, he popped up on skype last night, and popped off when he seen me, so I waited 30 min to test him to see if he was playing games, I went invisible, he popped back on within a cpl min, then off again lol I just laughed. What if he contacts me before Christmas or on Christmas, do I still remain in NC mode? I have never had to go through any of this with any man.; December 22, 2014 at 11:41 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror: I posted yesterday too (the one that needed to level the playing field and did so by succesfully mirroring).

I also wanted to ask for how long this mirroring can go on for?

I've been dating this guy 2,5 months (4 dates due to distance) now and today I finally took initiative and texted him first like I mentioned I was thinking of doing in yesterday's post...and he didn't reply at all!
Its the first time I take initiative in ages and its the first time he doesn't reply at all to a text on the same day.

Before, he was replying but at some point would drop the conversation and continue it the next day - now he didn't even pick the conversation up although my mirroring was working well a few days ago. So from improved texting behaviour he suddenly changed to not even one response on the same day.

Do I continue mirroring by waiting to see when he gets in touch (e.g. 2 days, 1 week) and respond to him with the same amount of delay? And if this works for how long do I go on taking NO initiative and mirroring and being scarce??

It frustrates me the fact that he gets to initiate and lead communication patterns and when I feel brave one day like today and take the lead he just doesnt bother and reads the text but ignores. I'm seriously thinking of not replying to his next text AT ALL and dropping him entirely. Its just that the mirroring seemed to work so well and I feel I blew my cover today by texting and I'm back to square 1.; December 22, 2014 at 2:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Taurus (31) and Scorpio (34),
If you're intending to truly make use of NC, then that means no contact and no response for 30 days.; December 22, 2014 at 6:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 22, 2:31 PM,
"I also wanted to ask for how long this mirroring can go on for?"

Truthfully, it's a great way to maintain balance and fairness throughout the entire dating process. Particularly if the man hasn't asked for a commitment and it's a casual dating situation.

"And if this works for how long do I go on taking NO initiative and mirroring and being scarce?"

My suggestion is until the man asks for a committed relationship - and you're actually in one with him (I've provided examples of the only times to generally initiate contact in the article here).; December 22, 2014 at 6:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Peaches,
"Why is he wanting me to message him at times first?"

I think this man's probably secretly insecure, but covers that up with a bit of macho bravado behavior. He claims he doesn't get into relationships easily because "there's so many girls telling me they love me." But he failed to mention that he obviously NEEDS that type of heavy female attention in order to feel good about himself. Because when he ISN'T getting that, he questions things (himself) and "he wanting me to message him at times first."

That's so that he receives the reassurance from YOU as well, the ego boost he secretly NEEDs -(to feel good about himself and to reassure himself that he's a "super catch" - one hell of a guy and women are throwing themselves at him all the time.

But you know what? BE the DIFFERENT girl. Be the one that makes him wonder. Be the one that's a challenge. Be the one he thinks about. Because if you become like all the other girls, he'll feel like this about you "I dont get into relationships easily or show my feelings...when they dont even know me properly."

If he's disappointed with how all the other women act - then DON'T become exactly like them, no matter how much he signals that's what he wants you to do. He wants you to do that to provide an ego boost for him. Don't give him that - because if you do - he'll take you for granted, just like he's doing with all the other women.

"Does it even mean anything if he invited me to spend xmas and nye in his city if he was seeing someone else?"

Sadly dear - no. Not with a man like this, who has women chasing him all around and could possibly be involved with one already. He sounds like a major player to me, and a man that doesn't want a relationship. At best, I believe he'd offer a hookup or a weekend rendezvous - and then he'd be gone again.

Men that behave like this generally do NOT make for good boyfriends, lovers or husbands - because they don't commit, and are not willing to give up all that the single life offers them :-( Additionally, secretly insecure men need a LOT of female attention, from MANY different women. That rarely, if ever, changes. So even if you do get into a relationship with them, that generally never goes away - and guys like this tend to cheat - a LOT -when they're actually in a relationship :-(; December 22, 2014 at 6:46 PM
pisces girl said...: "But you know what? BE the DIFFERENT girl. Be the one that makes him wonder. Be the one that's a challenge. Be the one he thinks about. Because if you become like all the other girls, he'll feel like this about you "I dont get into relationships easily or show my feelings...when they dont even know me properly."

If he's disappointed with how all the other women act - then DON'T become exactly like them, no matter how much he signals that's what he wants you to do. He wants you to do that to provide an ego boost for him. Don't give him that - because if you do - he'll take you for granted, just like he's doing with all the other women."

Really great advice here Mirror. I knew all of that when dealing with gym guy and kept it in mind when talking to him and i think thats what intrigued him about me but unfortunately alcohol took away my better judgement and like other girls i drank to calm my nerves and help me feel less anxious because he had even commented on how i came across as anxious every time i talked to him so i think what you said about having a one or two drink minimum is important so we always stay calm, cool and composed and dont end up doing anything we would regret the next day.

I also agree that "secretly insecure men need a LOT of female attention, from MANY different women" even the best looking guys can be insecure about things so another thing is to never put a man on a pedestal because when he senses you think he is better than you or above you in any way he will take you for granted and lose respect. We need to always act like we are the prize even if we dont necessarily feel that way.

You mentioned that guys like that tend to cheat alot but when i asked gym guy if he was a player he just said he doesnt cheat when he's in a relationship..hmm now im beginning to wonder if he was telling the truth and why his relationships ended and he apparently got his heart broken twice...do they tell lies like that to make you believe they are actually nice guys??..he told me that girls seem to like assholes and he is such a nice guy but i should of trusted my instinct which told me he really wasnt that nice of a guy.

And just an update about surgery.I had it on December 9th and it went well as far as no complications but Im still very sore and stitched up. They are not huge though nobody can even really tell i had anything done other than myself. I dont feel that much different or better about myself. I still have my insecurities and hangups but for now i cant say i regret doing it. I have to keep the tapes on for another month and wait for them to look and feel more natural but they are definitely not huge or in your face so im happy about that.; December 23, 2014 at 11:46 AM
pisces girl said...: I went to the gym when i came back and i was walking on the treadmill and douchard got on a treadmill right on the opposite side of me so i just ended my workout and left the gym. I still feel really burned by him and sad and mad at myself not to mention embarassed at what transpired. I reflected on my actions and wondered why i didnt just take him up on his dinner offer and i think its because im secretly so insecure and i worried that he might not like me but i was so attracted to him so when the opportunity for a hookup presented itself i ran with it but that obviously that didnt end too well. Had I at least went for dinner with him maybe he wouldnt have wanted a second date with me but if i didnt hook up with him at least the respect would still be there and i wouldnt be feeling bad about myself and even more insecure right now. In his eyes i would still be that different girl and even if there was no connection he might still have thought i was kind of special for that reason alone.

Hope all is well with all you ladies! thank you all for your continued support- Mirror especially, i dont know you personally but you have made a big difference in my life. Your advice, support and caring since i found this site is the best gift that you are able to share and i am so appreciative for that !xo

Also a question for you ladies-what do you ladies think of a guy who uses words like hun and doll when speaking to you?? I feel its kind of feminine ive been talking to this one guy who talks like me and my gay cousin/friend and its weird cause he is straight. He also does the xoxo. I think i just seem to like the alpha male who can fix things and be manly and i dont find that language manly. Any thoughts about that?Am i overthinking it? he seems to be a pretty nice guy .; December 23, 2014 at 11:46 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I hope you're enjoying the holidays! I've got one more story to share/question before the end of the year! A childhood friend of mine came to visit me in my town saying that he wanted to see me while he was here. He said he'd be bringing his fiance with him. I invited the two to my place, welcomed them both, and enjoyed the time we were all able to spend together. It was good to see him and to have the opportunity to meet someone that's an important part of his life. He was an old friend WITH a fiance so I let my guard down and pretty much threw all the "MOA ways" out the window (maybe was a mistake) thinking that they did not apply in this case. I essentially went back to my "do, do, doing" ways: I made them brunch (yes, I slaved over the stove - sigh!), I drove them around, I went up to meet with them where they were instead of having them come to me, I was not mysterious, rather I was friendly, open and carefree. After their trip to another town to meet with his folks, he returned to my town but this time without his fiance. She had work-related things to tend to in another state. He asked to meet while he was here. Since I was busy with work, my family (they know him too) took him and his friend out for lunch and sightseeing, etc. so I was not overly available, but I was less cautious and rigid than I usually am because he already had a fiance and no romantic feelings existed on my end. Once I was available, he wanted to meet for dinner near my work. But somehow that turned into just having coffee with me having to make my way out to where he was. Anyway, I met some of his friends, and at the end of the night he said he wanted to keep in touch. He sent me some texts as he was leaving, which I didn't respond to until a week later. As soon as he heard from me, he wrote back to me immediately, telling me that he broke up with his fiance. That came as a shock to me since they seemed so good together. He explained that he only came on this trip with her so as not to let his folks down, and that he and his fiance had been fighting and arguing all the time, and problems that had existed before the engagement had escalated after the engagement so he felt it was best to break-up with her. He said he's relieved, but he still wants to keep contact with her (which never makes any sense to me why guys want to stay in touch after breaking up, I doubt the reasons are any good...) Anywho, he divulged a little more information than I was prepared to handle, so I ignored most of it and simply told him that I was so sorry and a little surprised to hear about all of this and that he sounded like he needed a break and to "take care."; December 28, 2014 at 4:09 PM
Anonymous said...: After this he didn't write me for a couple months. Then he wrote again saying that he was leaving for a trip and that he was leaving in just a few days, and here are some clips of the two of us from way back and to enjoy watching them. It's been a couple of months, and I haven't yet written back because a.) I'm mirroring him, b.) I'm not sure what he wants from me, c.) I'm not sure how to handle him especially now that he's single again and available, and who's to say that he hasn't gotten back together with his fiance?! d.) I don't really know how I feel about him. What makes it a little uneasy for me is that I know he has some interest in me because he mentioned to a mutual friend that I was "very pretty," and he kept taking pictures of me, even with his fiance around, and it was kind of weird seeing him without his fiance the last night he was in town. I'm quite sure I have no interest in him other than as an old friend, especially after hearing of and meeting his fiance. And even if he was actually interested, I don't think I like the way he went about this if you know what I mean. One thing I am sure of, I have many fond memories of us, and he is a special friend.

I apologize if I sound confused because the reality is that I am. Right now, I've pulled waaaaay back because I've been super busy and just need the time, not because I'm doing "no contact" on him. I would, however, like to hear your thoughts on all this before I respond to him.

Thanks Ms. Mirror!; December 28, 2014 at 4:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 28, 4:09 PM,
Well, there's not really much to say at this point dear. He's not a romantic interest or a boyfriend, he's simply a friend and not too much can be read into this because it could all simply be friendly gestures. And if he is a good old friend, I wouldn't even consider becoming involved with him, should that end up being what he wants here. Because that's a one way street - you can't come back from that. Meaning, you can't be friends, lovers, and then go back to being friends.

Sounds easy enough, but once you cross that line, the relationship is forever changed. I have a strict rule with myself that I never get involved with friends - because I value the friendships too much and don't want to lose them, and also because I simply cannot find myself romantically attracted to any of my male friends as they're more like brothers to me. So if this friendship is valuable, I would suggest that it be left in tact :-); December 31, 2014 at 9:15 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi, it's Anonymous Dec 28, 4:09 PM -

"my male friends [are] more like brothers to me."

That's what it feels like to me. He's familiar and there's a level of comfort that doesn't exist with men I'm romantically interested in. Somehow I panicked though because of the timing of his break-up coinciding with our meet-ups, and I did not want to be the reason for his break-up under any circumstance! As long as he was engaged, I could be assured of our friendship status, and I could be carefree and didn't have to worry about anything so it was easy for me to deal with him. But as soon as he told me about the break-up, it made me feel uncomfortable. If he'd told me a month later or even a week later than he did, I would have been more assured that I was not the 'direct' cause of something that serious falling apart. Thus, communicating with him was suddenly no longer fun for me, and I didn't know how to act anymore. I suppose I read too much into it and feared his attentions might then begin to focus on me. But it sounds like from what you're saying, that I don't have to concern myself about that so I will take your advice and just continue being his friend.

He's actually been engaged once before but that too had fallen apart as well so this could just be a common occurrence with my friend!

Thanks!

(and apologies, I meant to say fiancée!); December 31, 2014 at 10:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror! Happy New Year!!!

So I have been abroad for 3 weeks and returning in 1 week. The guy that lives in a different city who I had been seeing for 2 months and been on 4 dates with (well 3 actually)... is still in touch... but I find his behaviour UNBELIEVABLE.

So as I said, 1 month ago he messed up by standing me up on his last night in town. For 2 weeks I stayed silent and then after a second text I got from him saying: I thought I would give you space to think etc... how are you?? I decided to respond and give him a second chance. It wasn't just the mess up that stinks about him though. Its the way he texts too...he starts a conversation and drops it 2-3 messages down the line and picks it up the next day whenever he feels like it.

On top of that, when I initiate a message conversation (which is hardly ever) he NEVER follows my lead and always ignores the message and gets back to me at some insanely delayed time like 5 hours later or the next day. He also seems secretive - no conversation about ex's or relationships, no facebook exchange, no social media exchange in general although I know we're both very active, no phone calls just texts to communicate and he CONSTANTLY comes up with family obligations he needs to attend.

Continued in another message...; January 4, 2015 at 12:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued...

I remember in fact, that on the night he stood me up, when I called him up to see what was going on because I was fed up of texting, his phone suddenly got switched off until 3am when he texted back after standing me up. APPARENTLY he was with family at the cinema and then his phone ran out of battery - it looks like someone can't talk to me on the phone in front of 'family'.

So coming back to today - we haven't seen each other in 1,5 months because as I said I'm abroad and we also live in different cities. His visit to my city apparently will end 1 day (!) before I return from abroad so I wont see him. He said he will make a special visit just to see me next time. Also, throughout the 3 weeks I've been away which are also the time we've been talking again after his mess up.... he's been texting and taking initiative and I have maintained a stand-offishness in some cases, hesitating to warm up to him again after everything. HOWEVER, when I say he's been texting and taking initiative, in no way is it attentive, healthy texting. It's the same old thing as before (initiating and dropping) but slightlyyy better. The last thing that happened was that 3 days ago I replied to his happy new year text and asked him back how he is and he replied JUST NOW! His excuse for the 3 day delay was that he got confused (poor boy he keeps getting confused...) and thought the 'how are you' question was from him to me and he was expecting ME to text.

Mirror I am so frustrated with MYSELF. I feel like I have tricked myself with making up excuses for this man and now I look around and I realise that: I have known him for 3 months, I have seen him 3 times, he has managed to sleep with me while knowing that I want a relationship not sth casual, at the same time he has been 'selling' me the idea of a relationship with saying lots of things and making it seem like he has the INTENTION, he texts me regularly but inconsistently without ever ending a conversation, he doesn't allow me to have any power over anything (eg texting or seeing him), after sleeping with him I havent seen him since because he stood me up on the following date and he also stood me up in a different way a week before the main mess up.

That time I was visiting his city (for other reasons) and we had arranged to meet, he had been making a big deal out of it for ages and when the day came, 1 hour before the date (!!!) he turned around and said: Oh I got confused! I thought we had cancelled it! And he sent me a screenshot of the conversation at the part where he thought I had cancelled - it was clear I WASN'T cancelling and he could have asked to clarify in any case. So he stood me up then too basically. I also noticed that when he sent the screenshot of our conversation on whatsapp, all of the messages sent from HIM to me he had deleted (!!!) from the conversation history and all you could see was my texts!!!

I don't know how to deal with him in a way that will allow me to take my power back. And I also want to ask: Is his behaviour common or is he exceptionally manipulative and selfish? He has confused me so much having me thinking one day that he is innocent and just a busy guy and the next day thinking he is a manipulative pig.

Much appreciation,

The 'Texting Girl'; January 4, 2015 at 12:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror,
Writing to you again so I don’t do the clingy crazy girl thing I used to in the past. I’ve learned much from your site. Thanks, again. I started talking to this guy on match.com right after Christmas. He lives a couple hours away. He has always texted me first and called first. We were on holiday from work all last week, so he texted me quite often and one night we talked on the phone all night long and it was really awesome. The conversation was never dull or dry and felt like a very even back and forth exchange about traveling, common interests, life, etc. He asked me to go out on a date the past Sunday, so he called Saturday night for confirmation and we chatted for an hour. So we had the date on Sunday – met in the middle of our towns – and we went to a museum and he was very knowledgeable so that was nice. Then we went to brunch and had a great time. He said at the end that we should definitely do this again soon. He walked me to my car and gave me a hug goodbye and then kissed me. A couple of small sweet kisses and one that was a ‘little’ bigger. And it was amazing. He was such a gentleman and handsome, smart, kind, etc. Needless to say, I can tell I am falling fast lol. I called my mom after and said, mom, I may have finally found a genuinely great guy.
So, here’s the deal. Date ended around 2pm on Sunday. He texted me that night at 10.30 and said, ‘I had a great time today!! So happy you could join me for a tour at the museum!!! Sleep tight.’
I went to bed early that night so I text him back in the morning – Monday - around 6am and said ‘I had a great time too!! Thanks for being my guide! Have a great day!
So, yesterday, Monday was both of our first day back at work. He said on the date that he would be really busy this week. But, mirror, I was just really surprised to not hear from him yesterday at all. I had sent him that reply text in the morning and never heard anything and this comes from after texting and chatting every day the week before. Now, I realize he is not my boyfriend and doesn’t have to text me or call and he could be busy, but in my mind it gets built up and I think he doesn’t like me, even though his other actions from the date and text after say differently. I am writing you because you have always helped me stay sane and in reality. Does this guy like me…if he doesn’t text again today or tomorrow does that mean he doesn’t like me. I just don’t’ want to get my hopes up only to get hurt, but I had this ‘all the planets aligned’ moment with this guy and I want to make sure I am keeping my cool and increasing my chances as best I can. Thanks, mirror.; January 6, 2015 at 1:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The 'Texting Girl',
"Is his behaviour common or is he exceptionally manipulative and selfish?"

Honestly - he's behaving like a married man - or a man that has a girlfriend, wife, family or something going on already :-(

I think he's had his fair share of second chances here and I wouldn't give this man another moment of my time because it's clear he's manipulative, he's hiding something (or someone) and that's not going to change unfortunately.; January 6, 2015 at 4:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 6, 1:51 PM,
"Does this guy like me…if he doesn’t text again today or tomorrow does that mean he doesn’t like me."

It doesn't mean anything at this point. It's way too soon for either of you to even really know if you like the other or not because you haven't even invested the time required that it takes to truly get to know the other person well enough to decide.

All this means is that he's casually dating (sporadically, not with regularity, etc.) and in that phase, you can't expect relationship type communication (daily, regularly) to immediately begin to happen. You can't expect that to happen until the man has asked for a commitment. So at this point, he's simply a guy you dated once that you may or may not date again. As a result, in the meantime, I'd continue using the dating site to meet other men to casually date in addition to him because that's what folks are on dating sites for - to meet lots of people, get to know them slowly over a period of time, until finally knowing one well enough to determine that you'd like to spend more time with them and them only :-); January 6, 2015 at 4:52 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Moa :)

You know sth I have to say about one of your pieces of advice "no contact" is that it really does do wonders for detaching emotionally from a man. I used to be scared of myself when getting involved with sb cuz I thought that once in I wouldn't be able to detach and move on when I'd need to. But growing older and getting insightful advice like this, I am learning to control my impulses more.

So I agree that this guy is hiding sth and I haven't replied to his message and I won't reply at all. I know he's gonna persist but when he does I'm gonna tell him his game is lame and I got bored and I've got better offers.

'Texting girl'; January 7, 2015 at 8:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Oooooh Mirror, Mirror, Mirror! Your advices are always spot on and one thing you always insist on is for us ladies to trust our guts and observe a man.

Well here is a little story I would like to share...
This man I met on a well-known dating app, not attractive but something about his pics makes him somehow charming to me (ladies, I will need to start questioning my taste one day!).
I follow my dear Mirror's advice and let him contact and chase me.

4 dates, no kiss but still all seems to be going well. I should precise that we are from different cultures and I can tell he isn't sure on how to go about things with me. He didn't manage to create a proper opportunity to go for the kiss and everytime, though I could tell he was interested, I just ended up simply saying good night and leave.
I also noticed he wasn't used to organise dates either so had to force a bit to get things sorted. Again, we are just different.But to be fair, he did rise to the challenge.

By date 2, he mentions he stopped with the dating app and is not on there anymore. It was said in the middle of a convo and though I clocked it, I didn't discuss this further and we just kept chatting.

Then he cancels a date prior to a trip away. To be honest, though it was no big deal, I was slightly irritated because he is the one who had asked to meet me that evening, knowing he was leaving the next morning. But I let it slide, we all have those moments where we realise we can't do it all. So I kept my reply friendly.

On his 3rd day away, he sends me pics of him on his trip, sharing some news with me.
I was out that evening so only read and replied the next morning. All is ok.

The next day, on a Sunday, he comes back. He texts me that evening all happy and cheerful but I was just about to go to sleep so I told him and cut the converstion short. Then he asks "Let me know when you are free and if you want to meet".
I said "we will touch base next week".
We say goodnight to each other and that's it.

I am expecting that he will be in touch to organise. Meanwhile, I am not going to lie, I am still keeping my options open. Something about internet dating, I rarely trust the guys so I am not putting all my eggs in one basket.
Plus, certain derogatory comments he made about women in general, lots of little things that I was observing, I wanted to be careful.

So here I am checking the profiles on the app, and BAM, I find a brand new profile he had created! I can't say a thing as I was always active but as he mentioned he had left this app, I am like Ohhh-Ohhh, now let's watch and observe (Mirror in my mind).
On his new profile, he had even added the pictures of his trip he had originally sent me while he was away...

I keep quiet and remain in total silence... (Continued)

Damnblokes; January 28, 2015 at 6:44 PM
Anonymous said...: He does contact me on the Wednesday (last I heard of him was Sunday when he was all happy and I was off to sleep).
He asks me out, but hold on... He asks me out on that Wednesday for the the following week...Nothing for this coming weekend... Keeping in mind so far, we only plan 3 days in advance normally, asking me out for the following week was out of the ordinary.
He straight away followed his question by saying he had to be in another city (2hrs away) on Saturday.

Mmmmm... Ok he is busy Saturday, nice gesture to state it straight away, but how about Friday or Sunday?

It is like he went ahead and booked his week without me in mind. I gather he probably booked some dates as I checked and he is constantly on the app.
I found all the tricks to check if he is online whilst he can't see me. Women make great spies :-))))

Ultimately, I just replied that next week is too far away for me to plan and that we will have to see then how things go.
Needless to say he never replied.

A friend told me I am too harsh, he probably doesn't think I like him etc. He is always the one having to chase me, he contacts me all happy whilst I am off to sleep and don't chat. I don't contact him after that.
Then he offers to plan ahead to see me because he is busy etc.
True, I do not trust men much and I always overly careful. And yes, I could have been more welcoming to his contacts and offer to plan so much ahead instead of being lukewarm.
I am aware of that and I must be honest about it.
But I was always very warm on dates and we had great laughs so when we meet, I am not as cold as via texts, and he knows this ;-)

Yet, I can't help it. Something tells me he was just "booking" me an an extra option whilst adding more dates to the mix quickly.

Guess what... I go to check his profile... He has now added a half naked selfie of his torso on his online profile...
This is the same man who was taking the piss out of women who had pics of themselves in bikini on dating sites whilst asking for a relationship!
My pics are very "clean" so his comments weren't addressed to me.
But now I know how he thinks, I can safely assume with his half naked pic on his profile, he definitely doesn't want a relationship!

Oh Mirror, I am so tempted to send a last message: "Interesting to see your new profile and new pics on (name app), it says a lot about you...I hadnt laughed that much in a long time!".
As he has no clue I got to check all of this, he would turn white :-)))))

But don't you worry, I will stick to the golden silence instead ;-)

What do you make out of it all? Your opinion on people's stories always interest me.

Damnblokes; January 28, 2015 at 6:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Damnblokes
"By date 2, he mentions he stopped with the dating app and is not on there anymore."

Any time a man attempts to fast track you into a relationship (or sex), it's a red flag. No one is feeling any real deep emotions by a second date. At best, anything felt at that time will be superficial surface emotions. Men do not rush into relationships and when one signals he's prepared to by the second date, it's a red flag :-(

"A friend told me I am too harsh, he probably doesn't think I like him"

Why does your friend feel that a man who's a liar deserves anything more? Those tactics actually filtered him out as a liar and a fool, they worked for you. And why is she more concerned about what the man thinks about you - than she is about what YOU think about this MAN?

(I know girlfriends mean well, but seriously ladies, seriously - we all need to stop acting like a woman needs to grovel and sacrifice herself for a man's attention. Seriously - stop that! Stop worrying about what these men think of you- and instead - focus on what YOU think of these MEN. Stop worrying about whether or not you're impressing THEM - and focus on whether or not THEY are impressing YOU.)

"True, I do not trust men much and I am always overly careful."

And you SHOULD be. Don't let this friend of yours make you question yourself. Trusting complete strangers and signaling to them that you're a desperate pushover early on - will only EVER get you used and taken advantage of these days. Additionally, why should you put yourself out for a complete and total stranger who you've already found to be a liar? That makes no sense whatsoever and anyone who would bend over backwards for a man that they've already discovered is a liar before things even get off the ground is just asking to be used.

You should NEVER trust complete strangers - and you should ALWAYS be careful. And anyone who tries to make you feel bad for that needs to look deeply at themselves more.

This guy's just another guy like many of the rest in the online dating world unfortunately. He's not serious about a relationship at all and he sounds like a casual, serial dater that misleads women into thinking they're in a relationship with him so he can start receiving sex from them. When online dating, you'll come across a lot of men like that these days. You come across a lot of men like that even when you don't meet them online. Which is yet another reason why you never trust complete strangers and should always make people prove themselves genuine first through their actions - and just ignore their words because talk is cheap.

This guy lied to you about removing his profile. And while that may seem like a minor offense to some, the reality is that it signals the man is not to be trusted, and that he has no intention of entering into a committed relationship - or he wouldn't be lying. People lie when they have something to hide - and when they are hiding something, most times, it signals they're hiding other things as well.; January 30, 2015 at 8:50 AM
Anonymous said...: Ooops, I had replied to you and my answer disappeared. I will try again, here we go:

I do not know if you realise the strength you give us to avoid bad men/situations! It is wonderful!

You are right, being cautious is what saved me from entering into a relationship with someone who would have more likely hurt me down the line and I am so grateful!

It is indeed surprising that certain friends (not all but specific ones) feel that I am at fault. I am not welcoming enough simply because one day I didn't jump ultra keen on his invite and one evening when he texted me I said I was off to sleep and cut the conversation short.

Meanwhile, I did notice certain comments or things he did and that I wasn't impressed by (as mentioned in my previous post, lot of resentment towards women, etc) and I still gave him a chance. I didn't write him off after just one negative thing.

I know how, with time, I can fall for someone, get attached and start ignoring the bad to focus on the good things.
So whilst I was dating him, to keep my emotions in check and stick to the reality of who he is (instead of who I wish he is), I started listing the good and bad things he would say or do.
By the end of this, keeping in mind we only dated for 1 month and half, I have a list of negatives as long as my arm whilst only 4 positive things :-))))

So whilst I let him make lots of little mistakes along the way, when I am focusing on me and taking a couple of steps back, then I am being told by some that I didn't make him feel wanted and that's why he probably got back on the site.
But why should I be the guilty one? No one has a clue when he went back on it, for all we know it could be 1 hr after he told me he had stopped. Just like you said, just to give me a false sense of security. But straight away, it is the woman who is blamed for the man's actions.

I can't say all my friend's reacted that way but certain ones seem to see the woman as the one in charge of the relationship, like it is up to us to do everything: attract men, lure them towards us and do everything to keep them.

Us women naturally have a tendency feel guilty, why add more to it? ;-)

Thank you again for taking your personal time to advise us and give us the strength to keep our head firmly on our shoulders.
Following your guidelines has helped me tremendously to figure out the kind of man I am dating!

This last one is again the proof that your advice work, I took my time, watched, observed and walked away before I got hurt!

Thank you again for your support to us all

Damnblokes; January 30, 2015 at 11:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Damnblokes.
Women in general, have a tendency to beat themselves up. And by that, I'm referring to things like this:

"certain friends. . .feel that I am at fault. I am not welcoming enough simply because one day I didn't jump ultra keen on his invite and one evening when he texted me I said I was off to sleep and cut the conversation short."

So what they're doing there is they're thinking that ONE wrong move, just ONE wrong move by the woman. . .blows the entire deal.

That type of thinking leans towards this general societal idea that women must be perfect, smile and be nice, bend over backwards, keep their mouths shut and act like an appliance for others -- while sacrificing themselves and placing their wishes, needs and desires aside for others -- in order to receive love.

As if being themselves simply isn't good enough.

If a man is going to lose interest in you because you were sleeping or didn't rearrange your entire schedule around his convenience - is this really a man that was going to be the "one" anyway?

If you can overlook "certain comments or things he did and that I wasn't impressed by" and continue to date him. . .then why is it such a sin when YOU, the woman, make a move that may or may not be impressive to him? Again, that type of thinking leans towards the "women must smile a lot, sacrifice a lot and be perfect in order to receive love" while men. . .get to be themselves.

I feel sorry for women who buy into this type of "be perfect, smile a lot and sacrifice yourself to receive love" concept. It's pure hell to attempt to live up to those expectations and when you don't, because we're not perfect by nature you'll NEVER achieve this, you then take to beating yourself up. Fooling yourself into thinking that if you just said this, or just did that -- you would be loved.

It's a bunch of BS. You do not have to sacrifice yourself to receive love. You do not have to be perfect to receive love. You do not have to rearrange your life around others to receive love.

No one is EVER going to be perfect - if we were, we'd be Gods. . .we're only mere humans and thus flawed.

This man mislead you into thinking he removed his profile. And maybe he did for a while. BUT - he put it back online, never told you about it and therefore, attempted to deceive you. And I highly doubt that you sleeping or not jumping for him one night caused him to do that.

The mere fact that he pulled that stunt on the second date -- the second time he's ever met you -- in and of itself is HIGHLY questionable. No one, man or woman, knows they want to be in a committed relationship with someone by the second date. The person is still a complete and total stranger at that point. So when someone is attempting to have you believe - that on the second date - they're going to commit to you. . .that move right there signals that something is "off" or not right. People don't go around committing themselves to complete strangers, it's just not realistic.

Cont. . .; January 30, 2015 at 6:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: This has absolutely nothing to do with what you did or did not do. This guy was trying to mislead you by the second date, so it's honestly not a real surprise to find out he did this. When someone moves too quick - ALWAYS - ALWAYS - stop and ask yourself why? Why the rush? What's their motivation for zipping things along? What do they want that they are so eager to get that they just can't wait for?

I guarantee you that if you would've picked up the phone that night or jumped on that call. . .this still would've been the end result. Because this guy wasn't behaving in a serious manner from day one - he was trying to fast track you.; January 30, 2015 at 6:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

As always, you are spot on!
This feeling of guilt, this idea that we should be perfect just truly doesn't make any sense. Yet it is there, it is still present around us and often pushed by people close to us. Though they mean well, they do not realise that blaming us for other people's mistakes hurt us more.

Luckily, thanks to the advice you regularly give us about moving on and not dwelling on useless men, I already have new dates planned so I know this guy will be quickly forgotten. But I agree that it is sad to see that despite the many negative things he did, they seem to be justified whilst my couple of "mistakes" are seen as awful.

He may have had his reasons and insecurities for going back on the site. Still, after a couple of instances of me being a bit cold (though I was not that cold), for some people it appears to be ok for him to:

- Start treating me as a plan B (planning to see me only in 10 days when he could have seen me earlier if he truly wanted to)

- Using pics of his trip on his profile that he had sent to me privately whilst on that particular trip

- Start including a half naked pic of himself whilst he was the one bashing women for doing so

I am more than happy to look at my own mistakes and realise what I could have done differently.
Still when I look at the list of things he did whilst I was dating him (that list is very long by the way!), things about him start making sense.
But some people just never asked me what he may have done wrong, just what I did wrong...

Oh Mirror, thank you so much for keeping us sane!

As usual, you will be in my mind on my next date ;-)

Damnblokes; January 30, 2015 at 8:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello dear Mirror,

I wanted to share a little update on my previous posts... That guy I went on a few dates with, who said he removed his online profile then put it back up afterwards and who also added a half naked pic of himself in the process...

Well, after the comments I received around me about him being insecure with me, not being sure if I liked him back, feeling rejected because I wasn't warm enough etc...
Well guess who is back already less than 2 weeks later? Yep...
Just a little "tap" asking how I am...

This just proves that as always you were right! The reason why things didn't work out had nothing to do with how I behaved but instead had to do with him.
If he was that insecure, felt rejected, bla bla bla, then there is no way he would just reappear like that as if nothing!
That is more the behaviour of a bullshiter than a poor lost soul!

He was indeed trying to fast track me by giving me the impression he removed his profile to focus only on me but when that didn't work and I was still slow and taking my time then he refocused on finding new girls.
Now I guess he just didn't find girls that easily and he is simply back to see if he can simply pick things up again with me.

I thought I ought to share this update with you as in my eyes, it clearly shows your impressions of him were absolutely correct!

Lots of love and thank you :-)

Damnblokes

N.B: my silence is the sweetest revenge ;-); February 10, 2015 at 1:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Damnblokes,
"He was indeed trying to fast track me by giving me the impression he removed his profile to focus only on me but when that didn't work and I was still slow and taking my time then he refocused on finding new girls."

You'll find that a lot when dating online. And when a man leaves because the woman didn't jump into his lap and make things easy on him immediately - it's always a sure sign of a man that could never make you happy anyway. . .because he's feeling entitled and doesn't feel the need to work hard to earn anything.

And that usually spills over into other areas of their life as well. Things like family, career, etc. - they feel entitled and expect to be handed things rather than work for them. . .and it makes them very shallow, unattractive individuals.

It's hard to respect a man that doesn't want to work for anything. And it's even harder for women to respect and/or admire that. They end up looking like spoiled children to other men and women both.; February 10, 2015 at 5:28 PM
Anonymous said...: These might be the most ridiculous things I've ever read in my life.; February 11, 2015 at 1:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 11, 1:24 PM,
Glad you enjoyed them LOL; February 11, 2015 at 5:31 PM

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