“Be kind always, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”
Ahh, relationships - romantic ones, neighborly ones, work related ones, acquaintance connections, peer connections, familial connections…they’re definitely varied, incredibly complex, and subtly dynamic.
They’re like an onion, and once you start peeling back the layers, you’re practically guaranteed of acrid fumes looming in the air.
Why?
Because we’re all human - and thus flawed. If we were perfect folks, we’d all be Gods.
Which brings me back to the quote referenced above.
Everyone is fighting their own battle. Every one of us are flawed. Everyone faces their own individual challenges and obstacles as they go through life.
These days, it’s very easy to project a false image of yourself and successfully sell it as authentic. These days, it’s very easy to be unkind to others without consequence. These days, it’s easy to feel connected, while remaining truly disconnected. These days, you can have 800 “friends,” while ignoring the fact that you’ve never met them. These days, you can cast your judgement freely and you'll never have to see the damage inflicted. These days, you can be in a room full of people - and still feel lonely.
These are the days, huh?
For as much as technology has benefitted our lives, make no mistake – there IS a consequence that results. It’s subtle and akin to the Butterfly Effect. That tiny little ripple that begins far out in the ocean; that miraculously transforms into a Tsunami by the time it hits the shore.
As humans, we all seek acceptance – from our peer groups, from our neighbors, from our loved ones and from society at large. We all want to feel like we’re a valuable part of something, something bigger than ourselves. We seek that acceptance daily and when it’s not provided, we’re like wilted flowers without water, lacking the proper atmosphere to thrive in.
But can that technology really replace and properly convey the subtleties of life; the subtleties of relationships and human behavior? And does it provide the proper environment for those relationships to not only survive, but truly thrive and flourish?
It’s clear just how much we starve for acceptance and approval as human beings based on the explosive popularity of social media…and it’s nearly utter and complete replacement for genuine understanding and human interaction. It’s clear how many people are lonely. It’s clear how many people seek connection. It’s clear how many people are fighting, and acting out, their own battle in life and using technology as a tool (and an excuse) to do it.
And it’s clear that many people aren’t being kind to themselves when doing it. They think they are, but the “disconnect” that results from our reliance on technology as our main form of communication doesn’t provide the full lens we need to truly see the big picture of how damaging to ourselves - and our relationships – technology truly is.
“Be kind to yourself always, for you’re fighting a battle you know nothing about.”
That’s my take on the quote I referenced at the beginning of this piece. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself always, regardless of the judgment that others project onto you. Always be true to yourself and your beliefs. Do not let others dictate what your life should be; march to the beat of your own drum and the tune that makes you happy. After all, it is your life - and they haven’t had to live it.
Don’t be afraid to break out from the pack; bring your own unique character and assets to the table. Sure, some folks might not appreciate all those things about you, but that doesn’t matter - because the RIGHT person will. You don’t need the approval of the entire world. Besides, you wouldn’t have enough of yourself to nourish all those relationships anyway.
Put the technology down and start being human again. Start being kind again. If you’d just look up, great things might happen. There are powerful messages swirling all around you. . .make sure you're paying attention to them:
19 Comments:
POWERFUL, POWERFUL video...omg, i cried. Soooo true. Nothing in the virtual world compares to the real one. My phone is now off - and i feel better already.
Bravo! Another great piece of writing! :-)
Im so glad you posted this article. I am NOT on facebook, twitter, instagram, or whatever else there is because of some of these reasons. Technology is great for a lot of reasons but it truly saddens me that people don’t realize hoe it destroys us at the same time. I make it a routine to actually speak with my friends. I remember when that was the norm and I really miss those days. A while ago I was at a party and sitting at the table with another adult and a bunch of teens. As I was speaking with the other adult, looked up and notice that all of the teens, every single one, ware on there phones. I said see hoe technology has destroyed socializing? Its disgusting to me. Not to mention, it can destroy relationships. Instagram for example, is a way for men and women to see photos of people who they may have never seen if it weren’t for the site. It makes people full of themselves when all they think about is how many likes their pics get. Its pitiful. I wish we could erase these social media sites but I guess that just wishful thinking.
fantastic video! so good I had to post it on facebook! lol go figure right I know! im guilty of using social media to stay connected but I definitely do not make the mistake of believing it replaces real genuine relationships where you actually pick up the phone and talk to someone or arrange to meet with them in person. I think the problem is people are so busy nowadays that social media is just too easy convenient and fast and makes you feel like your connected and feeling somewhat important but I always say anything worthwhile including relationships is worth the time energy and effort you put into it.
Mirror as I mentioned in a previous post Ive been using watsapp (similar to BBM) to message this guy that I met a couple years back who recently resurfaced-he messaged me out of the blue and we've been back and forth but I learned from this site as well as previous communications with men that too much texting is never a good idea especially when you haven't even had a phone convo-you cant really get to know someone like that and its lazy communication-not to mention very frustrating to wait hours for a response to one simple question! so id like to get away from the texting because hiding behind technology can not allow for a real genuine relationship to be formed. So how do you get a guy to pick up the phone and call you? do you ask him to or just wait....I ve been trying to keep my responses short and brief like you mentioned in hopes that he picks up the phone and rings me but I start making excuses-he might be shy/nervous, he lives out of town and it would be long distance but then that's all just an excuse im sure if he wanted to and he was interested he could pick up the phone and call me..so how do you move the relationship forward in the way you want it to go without being the aggressor??should I just start ignoring some of his messages? i basically was already frank with him and told him that i hope he doesn't rely on texting to communicate and hes still messaging me! im interested in getting to know this guy but since i don't have time to waste i need things to progress more quickly. i used to prefer texting sometimes too but im at a different stage in my life now im actually looking for something real
Loved this!!!
I absolutely concur on the texting being a lazy inadequate form of communication and I simpathyse wholeheartedly with the woman above. I just said: I don't want to be penpals.
Or: It was wonderful to hear your voice.
If that does not get the guy to change his tactic of texting, ignore him. He is too lazy to invest himself. Period. We women long to hear a man's voice. We long to be appreciated. But if the guy acts like you are not worth a 5 min phone call...
No! Wrong. You are worth a phone call but from a real man, not a man-child.
Expect the best and ignore childish behaviour. Next! :)
Hi Ms Mirror,
Amazing video - very powerful... !! It would be great if it could be shown as an advert on prime-time national T.V...
Alas those of us who use social media sites post it and spread the word...
Ms Mirror such a timely article - thank you for writing it...Many of us are affected by social media one way or another...I think it's a malady of the 21st century and is contributing to the breakdown of society, socialisation and social relationships.
I've been toying with doing a post lately but sometimes I let things just ride out as thoughts and feelings can change and often you can create the shifts yourself...
However, your recent article has motivated me and I feel like writing a post! I've read many a post on here that relates in someway to social media and its current detrimental role in relationships of today. It has affected me slightly too but I have a handle on it and some awareness that I need to get a grip on my behaviour so all is good...
I've got this DM who has been on and off the scene coming up to 1 ½ yrs soon. Now I'm not on any social media sites as such myself but on and off I've taken to looking up my DM to see what he's up to. Many a time I've had to stop myself doing it and I've stopped for long periods of time (months) but then somewhere along the line something gets the better of me and I end up taking a peek and before I know it I'm back in the vicious cycle.
Sounds so much like what addiction is really when you think about it...
I've been doing a lot of thinking about it and my DM situation and it has brought me awareness and for me really it's epitomised in the article of wanting connection but finding disconnection...you think you're connecting to that person but you're are not, it is an empty transaction...
I think at large social media is a reflection of the existential issue of disconnection with the higher self and this is meant to be our primary relationship... We all suffer to a certain extent from the disconnection and it is in our spiritual evolution to reconnect with our higher selves. I believe it's why so many of us feel lonely, empty, unfulfilled but the answers never live outside ourselves or to be found in someone else. The answers lie within and it's our responsibility to learn to love ourselves and reconnect with our higher selves and in so we bring in that love and connect to our true source. That is all you need to love, nuture and sustain you... I'm on that journey right now, I'm so grateful and urge others to get on it and put an end to your lifetime of misery - placing the responsibility on others and looking outside of yourself to find love and happiness.
Of course it's never that easy...It's a road full of obstacles, challenges and learning but that's what spiritual evolution is...as so I'm off looking up my DM on the social media site...when I looked at it with clear eyes all this type of behaviour creates is an attachment to that person, like a hanging on and I want to be free of that.. it is empty and a waste of time and energy.
Moreover, I think my DM has used it to manipulate me in a sense in an attempt to try and keep me there... Now there is no way that he knows that I check him out but in a sense I think he's pretty confident that I probably do. When I met him he showed me various photos and mentioned certain things he had posted and I knew at the time he was trying to suss my reaction to determine if I'd been checking him out. I made a very good job of not giving anything away and was very nonchalent but showed a bit of friendly interest in the photos etc.
CONT
...but I think this guy does use media to send subliminal messages, in some cases with me they are not even subliminal but down right obvious. For example, posting when he would be coming to my area... I know it's a ploy to get me to do the work and get in contact with him but how can he know that I definitely look as I've not got an account. I think these guys when they leave you hanging and wanting more, keeping you at arms length kind of thing just presume it's a given that you will be looking them up...am I right??
I was very strong in the beginning and I didn't relent to any manipulation to get me to do the chasing and I also think it's a way of keeping someone hanging on. Eventually I caved in but a long time after the postings and even though he responded really well he still disappeared again. So now I've gone from the position of being really good at no contact when he was always the one that had to cave in and contact me to me contacting him.
...and you're so right Ms Mirror that you cannot measure a man's interest in you by pursing them and yeah sometimes they do go with it for a while but then it comes undone again... I feel now as I've caved in a few times that all the previous work that I've done with sticking to no contact and it working has come undone too. Because now he will think that after whatever period of time that I will contact him in the end as I've given him that reassurance and no reason to have to step up himself. He has stepped up in the past before when I stuck to the no contact and that's when we had our first proper date.
...but something has shifted within me as I've written at the beginning of the post and I'm not hanging on to him now for him to make me happy or anything else and I'm concentrating on being self-sufficient and developing and connecting to my own source of happiness.
and so I know there can be no more checking his social media site, I cannot allow myself to be manipulated, controlled and I cannot encourage any attachment towards him by engaging in this type of behaviour... even if I were to get with guy, how healthy is it to connect to partners on media sites!
CONT
Do you think Ms Mirror that on some level men know that you are hanging on for them? I mean I've broken away before and dated someone else and I didn't check his media account for ages and that's when he reappeared. I think they do know on some level when you're moving on and sometimes that is the impetus for them to get back in touch and conversely when you're hanging on I think on some level they get that message and then they sit back. Umm what do you think??
With this guy also there is much more to the story, there is a long distance issue in the mix, there is some unresolved grievances and hurt posssibly from a long-gone past relationship that he is not acknowledging that is ultimately stopping him from getting into a relationship too I feel.
...but all this is out of my control and I can only control my responses and my behaviour... and now I need to try my damm hardest to break away from this hold he has even though I've perpetuated it myself really by my behaviour. As you say that no contact is about sorting yourself out and not about getting the guy to return. What I think has been happening is I've been holding a torch for him and hoping that things may work out (alongside living my own life) and I cannot do that anymore because I cannot waste my life and anymore months of it to find in the end there is nothing...
What do you think Ms Mirror and what do you think about long distance relationships can they work in terms of is it realistic to think that someone might take this on at the beginning and have the foresight to think yeah I can date this person and see if we are compatible and if so, if both parties want a relationship then there is potential there? What do you think Ms Mirror?? The bottom line is I think the long distance thing is the big issue here, although he has visited me. I also wonder that he may not be ready for a relationship and if he sees me again because of the long distance issue well he knows it's more of a commitment and although I've not said so I think he know's that I would consider a relationship with him and would not consider anything less...
thank you I'd really appreciate some clarity here and I'm having difficulty shaking this guy off despite my attempts to get on with my life..and would really appreciate your views on it...
thank you
@Anonymous Aug 20,1:46 PM,
"I think these guys when they leave you hanging and wanting more, keeping you at arms length kind of thing just presume it's a given that you will be looking them up...am I right?"
Yea, they're not stupid, they know exactly what they're doing and they know the reaction they get 95% of the time - so that's what they expect.
"Do you think Ms Mirror that on some level men know that you are hanging on for them?"
I don't think they necessarily know this, but I do believe they ASSUME it to a certain extent - and I believe the male ego is the cause of that. I saw a scientific documentary on sex one time and they were discussing the bravado of many men and how biologically, that works.
They said that biologically, males are programmed mentally to believe that their odds of successfully mating are better than they actually are. Meaning, Mother Nature sets them up mentally to believe that they're going to have sexual success even before they actually do, and to believe that women want them, even when they may not. And the reason Mother Nature does this via the male ego is because they HAVE to BELIEVE they are going to be successful if they're to maintain the confidence needed to actually BE successful when attempting to mate.
In otherwords, if men perceived female interest and signs of interest logically and realistically, they would realize that many of the women they perceive as "interested" in them, actually aren't. And once they'd realize that, they'd stop trying to procreate the species. So as a Plan B or backup plan, Mother Nature instill uber-bravado mentally in men to make them think their chances at successfully mating are better than they truly are...so that they try, try, try...and try again to successfully mate LOL.
And you can even see that in this modern age. Ever see a girl smile at a man as she walks by, just a pleasant smile you might greet any straner on the street with in passing...but the guy turns around to his friends and proclaims, "She wants me, did you see that?!"
LOL, that's Mother Nature in action - forcing the man to believe his chances at mating with that girl are greater than they actually are ;-)
"what do you think about long distance relationships, can they work in terms of..is it realistic to think that someone might take this on at the beginning and have the foresight to think "yeah I can date this person and see if we are compatible" and if so, if both parties want a relationship then there is potential there?"
There are too many variables that come into play to answer that firmly. It all depends on the individuals involved, their maturity levels, their willingness to make sacrifices, their careers and income to support that lifestyle...too many things are at play to really answer that.
"What do you think Ms Mirror?"
I think whens something has potential, BOTH parties begin to invest in it. If one party stops investing and removes themselves from the equation, then it's probably time to move on. Because it takes two.
I have a messy one for you. My boyfriend and I had been together for about 4 months. A few weeks ago I found out that what I thought was the flu... Was really that I'm pregnant. I was shocked and scared but I told him later the same day and he dumped me on the spot. He went from being this wonderful person to the hate filled person I'd been around in a long time. He said awful things. Some I won't ever repeat because they hurt so badly. I've chosen to keep this baby (I have an 8 yr old as well). My soon to be baby daddy, has put me thru an emotional rollercoaster.. Sometimes he sounds nice.. Then mean again..and now I've found out that he is saying that I ended things several weeks before I found out I was pregnant..which isnt true at all. I feel that he is saying this to try and build a story/explanation to people that know us both so that maybe he doesn't look like an ass. Idk.. But a week ago he blocked me off his facebook and then sent me angry texts trying to say that I'd been posting about this whole situation on fb. I havent. Its not a situation I want my whole family and friends to know about at the moment. I told him just leave me alone because none of this angry banter is helping at all. My first ultra sound is Nov. 11th! I'm excited and hurt still at the same time. Any tips or advice you can give on how to handle dealing with his berating words and possible backlash from him and his friends/family. I'm trying really hard to stay above the fray. But don't want to be bullied or bossed around because he doesn't want people to know. Because he's only concerned about his reputation now.
P.s. we're both 32 yrs. Old (but it seems like he's a teenager all of a sudden).
Thank you for your time. -Molly
@Molly,
"Any tips or advice you can give on how to handle dealing with his berating words and possible backlash from him and his friends/family."
Yea - constantly remind him that HE got YOU pregnant. Meaning, you didn't do this alone. And ask him not to contact you directly until he's processed that emotionally. Because it sounds to me like he hasn't done that, and he's lashing out all over the place like an immature child instead. People will see through that behavior of his, so don't feel like they're going to side with him and blame this on you.
It takes two - everyone knows that.
And if his family has anything to say about it, I'd request that they tell it to the one half of the party responsible for it - HIM, their family member...and leave you out of it.
"But don't want to be bullied or bossed around because he doesn't want people to know."
People are gonna' know dear. You can't hide a pregnancy. And he's just going to have to deal with that. He can try to keep it a secret or pretend like it isn't happening all he wants, but in the end, guess what? There will be a baby, you will be visibly pregnant, and yea, the world will eventually know he's a father.
And so what anyway? He really needs to grow up here. He's acting like a victim here, when meanwhile, he played an active role in the conception - so he's gonna' have to just man-up and take responsibility for his own actions, instead of acting like a child and trying to shift blame onto you...as if you did this all on your own.
He's a jagoff dear - any guy who breaks up with his girlfriend the moment he finds out they're (as in both of you) pregnant...is a complete and total immature jagoff.
"Because he's only concerned about his reputation now."
Yea, that's because he's an immature jagoff whose priorities are all effed up.
Just lay low for now dear. You have a child on the way, so think of that baby and forget about him. Let him work out his stuff on his own. He's way too old to be acting like this anyway, so he clearly has some emotional issues and "stuff" to work on, so leave him be and let that unfold without your involvement. Just focus on yourself, your mental well-being, the baby's health and your future. He's not a priority here, your unborn child is.
And CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy dear!!! It's a good thing, not a bad one. ;-)
I'm Molly. I wrote about my bf dumping me the moment he found out I was pregnant. I want to thank you for your words. After he sent a "nice" text last friday seeming like he had come around and was excited. He also said he misses me (as a friend). I could tell it was his roller coaster emotions going again. But, after my ultra sound this week.. I thought I'd send him the picture. Nine hours later... A one word response. And after that.. Texts just became hurtful, controlling, and showed how immature he is. I chose to block him from my phone. But before doing so.. I recommended he read up on pregnancy and babies.. That this is bigger than petty comments. I hope he takes that advice. But now.. This is my baby and my
son's sibling. And that's what I'm focusing on. And although some people don't agree with cutting contact for now.. I feel more at peace for doing so. Thank you again for your words. -Molly
@Molly,
"And although some people don't agree with cutting contact for now.. I feel more at peace for doing so."
It doesn't matter what those other people think dear. It only matters what's best for you and the baby - that's it. And having turmoil, sadness and a lot of drama surround the birth of this baby and the months leading up to it - is NOT the best thing for either of you. Stress can do a LOT of physical damage. So if any of those people with strong opinions start dumping them on you and making you feel bad, I'd suggest reminding them that surrounding this baby with stress would NOT be looking out for this baby properly. I'd remind them that doing the right thing and what's best for yourself is NOT easy. And until they're walking a mile in your shoes, they should probably just support you, instead of burden you with more stress.
And for what it's worth dear, I think you're doing the right thing. And maybe other women here do too, and if that's the case, they'll also show up here to support you.
Taking this break from him isn't the end of the world. Once this baby comes into this world, maybe his attitude will change. If he matures and accepts this pregnancy as a man, then you can crack the door open for him again. But if that doesn't happen, I'd suggest surrounding yourself with those that are in support of you, and keeping him at a distance.
Surround this baby and the months prior to it's entry into this world with positive vibes dear - and fight hard to keep the negative away. Don't let anything taint something so wondrous :-)
I agree! Stand strong and enjoy becoming a mommy again :)
Hi Mirror, dear digital friend. I feel sad today. I was out at the weekend and a guy caught my eye, I couldn't stop staring at him and I felt like occasionally he looked back at me. He didn't approach me. Now I think it's all in my head. That I'm so desperate for other people to like/want me that I tell myself things that aren't true, ultimately kidding myself. I then go into attack mode, "he thinks I'm fat, I'm not pretty enough, I look unapproachable." This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I've been single for years and years and I go through this a lot. Now I feel like the only way I'll ever be happy and find love is to lose 40lbs, get hair extensions, make myself more attractive to give me the confidence to really feel confident. I understand happiness is from within and you have to like yourself before others will but shouldn't I just fake it till I make it? This has been going on for so many years and I feel like it's ruining my twenties. I've dated a few guys this year but no one I've felt a real spark with, not as much as my ex boyfriend. I get incredible jealous of other girls, something I always put down to low self-esteem. Most of my friends have boyfriend's now and I'm really starting to feel like I will be left on the shelf. I have a pretty awesome life and try to be grateful for it but I just find I'm still not the happy, confident girl I want to be. I really feel like this lack of confidence and perhaps desperation may be something men are sensing. Do you agree? If it is lack of self-esteem what can I do to change it??
@Anonymous Jun 1, 3:55 PM,
"Now I feel like the only way I'll ever be happy and find love is to lose 40lbs, get hair extensions, make myself more attractive to give me the confidence to really feel confident."
While that may seem like the answer, the truth is that fixing the outside. . .doesn't solve the real issue, which lies inside. While working on the outside can give you a "boost" of sorts, the reality is that if you don't address the things on the inside that are causing you to feel this way - those feelings will still remain.
Case in point:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/14/embrace-taryn-brumfitt_n_5318178.html
Look at the before and after picture there. I read a story about her where she confessed that she set out to become thin and fit - did it - and felt EXACTLY the same way about herself as she did before. And it wasn't until she "accepted" herself "as is" - stopped focusing on her outward appearance and instead focused on her value as a woman and what she had to offer the world - that her opinion of herself got better. And it got better AFTER she put more weight on.
And while yes, looking good on the outside helps you feel more confident, if the issues run deep - it won't be enough and it won't be the answer.
The answer starts with "acceptance" of yourself and learning to love yourself. . .and then it takes greater shape from there once that ball is rolling.
"shouldn't I just fake it till I make it?"
You can do that - IF - you are ALSO working on the INNER you at the SAME time. You can't focus on one and ignore the other and expect success.
"I really feel like this lack of confidence and perhaps desperation may be something men are sensing. Do you agree?"
Men definitely sense these things, but so do other people as well. Lack of confidence can not only affect your relationships, it can also affect your friendships, your career, your future prospects, etc.
"If it is lack of self-esteem what can I do to change it?"
You need to realize your worth and what's really important. Sure, men like attractive women but you know what? They don't all marry supermodels. As a matter of fact, it's probably more like 1% of the male population that ends up with women even remotely near that status.
Men marry and fall in love with women just like you and me - everyday.
And having many male friends I can tell you this. . .men WILL choose a girl who's fun, carefree and easy to spend time with - over a woman who's attractive, bossy, neurotic and obsessive.
It truly is what's on the inside that counts. Men pair up with women that are easy to be around - that's the real biggie. They like to spend time with women who are fun, who are carefree and don't pressure them more than they can handle, and who don't create drama or put a damper on things all the time. If a gorgeous woman is hassling a man morning, noon and night with questions, tears, drama, obsessive phone calls and unstable behavior. . .he's going to dump her and run in the other direction the minute he gets the chance - regardless of her looks. And he'll take up with a woman that's considered "average" by male standards in a heartbeat if she's easy going, fun and easy to talk to and spend time with.
Cont. . .
In the end, it doesn't matter if you're beautiful or not by today's standards. . .the Pamela Anderson's and Haley Berry's of the world get dumped, cheated on and walked away from all the time. Sandra Bullock was cheated on by Jesse James, Haley Berry was cheated on by Eric Benet, Christie Brnkley was cheated on by Peter Cook, Ali Landry was cheated on by Mario Lopez, Reese Witherspoon was cheated on by Ryan Phillippe. . .the list goes on and on.
Make a list of all the fabulous things about you that are unique to YOU, and no one else, and yes, small things count - a LOT. And once you have this list, you focus on it.
Next, every day when you're out in public - compliment another woman. Compliment the woman's hair, nails, dress, shoes, her mind, her skills. . .pick something and pay at least 2 women a day a compliment. If they don't compliment you back, it's okay. The point of this exercise has several purposes:
1) You get used to starting conversations with people from a "positive" mindset, which leads to more "positive" exchanges with others.
2) You get comfortable taking small risks and putting yourself out there with other women and viewing them as a peer to be supported instead of an adversary to be jealous of.
3) You focus on small things about other women that you admire and this in return helps you realize that there are small things about you that others admire you for as well, because eventually, compliments will start being returned to you in kind.
Once you get your mind focused on noticing the positive in other women, and they begin noticing the positive in you, a positive exchange of energy will eventually generate between you and other women and you will begin to view them as a support system instead of competition.
And once you've successfully managed this with other women, begin to compliment men as well. Eventually, they will repay this by providing you with compliments which will increase your self-esteem and also make you aware of all the small things that others secretly notice and admire about you everyday that you would not otherwise know about :-)
@Anonymous June 1 @3:55
This is a PS to Mirror's...if you find going up to women really hard at first, try writing. I know that sounds odd, so let me explain. I write a fashion blog where I review what a particular group of women wear. I mainly do it because I like fashion :). The thing is, they sometimes read what I post. On the flip side, I don't always love everything they choose and I like to be honest. So, my review has to be comprised of what I DO like, and what IS good about the outfit. After doing this for several years, I've noticed that my brain is trained to see what I DO like about someone. Like, I can be out driving and see someone with a hideous outfit, but what I'll see first is her really cute shoes. And that's what my brain says "ooh, cute shoes!". Once you get yourself in the habit of noticing the good stuff, you'll find its way easier to do it in person (yes, I do it - if I see something I love about another woman's outfit, hair, make-up, whatever and the opportunity arrives, I'll tell her!).
Also, remember that what HE thinks of you doesn't matter! Why would give that power to the opinion of a guy who doesn't even know you? How on earth can he have any kind of valid idea of who you are - like he can see all your wonderful qualities in a few glances? What matters is what YOU think of you! YOU having a good opinion of yourself is where strength comes from. Once YOU know it, no one can take it away. To that end, please try what Mirror has said so many times here and take time for yourself - without the influence of guys. Find for yourself what's amazing about yourself and what you love about yourself. You have to see it to show it others. I promise you, it IS there. Just as none of us were born perfect, none of us were born without amazing qualities too. What do you LOVE about yourself - your naturally curly hair, your shapely calves, your beautiful hands, your pretty ankles, your incredible eyes, your light-up-a-room smile? And all that is just physical stuff. Now get into all the non-physical stuff - loyalty, maturity, humor, playfulness, your passion for something that matters to you, your creativity etc etc..those things make you beautiful!..There are these fantastic things about YOU just as you are. If you want to change some, go ahead, but realize that there is good right there already. When you truly own that knowledge, your whole outlook will change. You'll even find that jealousy of other women disappears. Why? Because none of them are YOU. You'll see that they're are fabulous and incredible people, but so are you. And while you may not have some of what they have, they don't have some of what you have either and they don't have that precise combination of qualities that makes you completely unique and valuable.
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