Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

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pisces girl said...: hey mirror ive been talking to a younger guy-im 28 and he's 23 its only been a couple of weeks and we havent gone on a date yet but we've been talking and texting daily (with him always initiating) and he wants to take me out this saturday but...there are a few things that bother me-its not so much his age because he seems pretty mature and smart and says he's been through a lot of experiences that most guys his age havent and his last relationship was with an older women that lasted 3 years.He's a good communicator he actually listens when i speak, makes me laugh and we have a lot of similiar thoughts, beliefs and values (and both of us are water signs -scorpio and pisces)i really wanna get to know him better but i made it very clear to him that i value security in a relationship because thats something i never felt like i had growing up. i dont need a man to take care of me i work full time and im independent but i never wanna feel like i have to take care of a man! i want a man who's somewhat established. Now scorpio says he works two jobs and pays his bills and i dont think he's a lazy bum-he didnt go to college and thats ok but i feel like the jobs he has right now arent very secure -they dont even offer him benefits and sometimes he's working and other times he's not. He seems to have a lot of time to text me throughout the day and while i do like that he keeps in touch very regularly i wonder how he manages to have so much time to do that! and another thing is he's pursuing a career in music and in all honesty i dont think he's that talented but i could never tell him that! i like that he has a passion and he's working towards something and music can be very positive but i dont like the idea of him being front and center stage and in the limelight because im a very private person and dont want to be associated to that lifestyle-he tells me he cant do the school thing and the 9-5 thing and thats ok its not for everybody but i did tell him that feeling of security is something thats a high priority for me and i need that from my man for me to feel like im with a real man! the other day he asked me if i thought he should go work at some camp job up north but he didnt like the idea of doing that because him and the cold dont go too well together-my response was do whatever you have to do a paycheck is better than no paycheck-the fact that he even asks me that tells me he doesnt have a clear direction-my question for you is..should i just forget about all his other great qualities that ive been looking for and need and find a man who's maybe older more established and can provide me with that feeling of security? but i know from past experience that that alone isnt enough to make me happy or make me stay.why does there seems to always have to be a compromise-i just dont know what to do with this one.your thoughts please..; September 11, 2013 at 11:48 AM
capricorn (me) and pisces (him) said...: Hi MOA,
Thank you for responding, I'm anonymous on september 8, 2013 at 5:35 AM.
I'm sorry but I've already replied his text before I check your respond to me ): and we had a little conversation together, just a normal conversation (I didn't talk much) and its been two days now since our last texting (he didn't replied to my text) and he didn't even try to make any new conversation with me ): i feel stupid...i should be firm to never reply to any of his text. I still do love him and want him ): issit too late for me to start NC again on him the nect time he decided to contact me again...or should i mirror back his behaviour? If he didn't text me for two days...i should not reply him also for two days? Or i should never ever reply him at all? I want him to want me back and not taking me for granted ):; September 11, 2013 at 12:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"should i just forget about all his other great qualities that ive been looking for and need and find a man who's maybe older more established and can provide me with that feeling of security?"

If it's a "deal breaker" for you, then yes, you should walk away at this time.

And that's not me saying he's a bad guy. That's just me saying - you have a need for security and he's living life a bit more relaxed than what you need and are comfortable with. If you peer into the future a year or so and see this being an issue with you, then move on dear. Don't put yourself or him through the grief. Just accept that it isn't a match on a lifestyle level, wish him well, be kind and nicely decline.

Don't try to pound a square peg (casual lifestyle) into a round hole (secure lifestyle).

But realize this dear, not sure what country you're in, but here in the states, the economy is bad and lots has changed since 1950. There is NO job security anymore, regardless of your employment, because the simple fact of the matter is that one day, you can have a $100k income, full health care benefits, vacation, company car, etc. - and then the next day, it can all just disappear. The company can go belly up, make cut backs, lose contracts, etc.

I am an American and honestly, I believe we, as a society, tend to live with a lot of "false" security - we tend to think things will always be good and that we'll always have our security in some fashion. . .but we're finding out, that's not the case. Even if employed with health care, if you suddenly develop an illness, it's not unusual for your health care provider to suddenly and miraculously find an excuse NOT to provide you with the coverage you've been paying into for years - and deny your surgery, leaving you holding the bad needing $25k for surgery.

So just keep it all in perspective :-); September 11, 2013 at 1:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 8, 2013 at 5:35 AM,
"I want him to want me back and not taking me for granted"

I realize that dear, however, you need to accept that that may not be the end result received. NC is not a guarantee, nothing in life is, so don't bank on it.

Mirroring versus NC is a personal choice. But I will say, before deciding, read the section in this piece (and click through to the links inside it) regarding the Law of Scarcity.

When you make yourself overly available to others, it tends to invite poor treatment. But when you make yourself scarce, it tends to increase your overall "value" in the eyes of others. The Law of Scarcity has been being used in manufacturing for decades for this very reason - it's a tendency of human behavior.

And you CAN use that to your advantage.; September 11, 2013 at 1:23 PM
pisces girl said...: thanks mirror thats some food for thought i'll try to keep it all in perspective and im in Canada so the economy may not be as bad as it is in the US but even here nothing is guaranteed - i think i just need to pay attention to his work ethics and as long as he's not lazy and sitting at home all day i should be ok with whatever he's doing -a deal breaker for me is a selfish, lazy man who has a sense of entitlement and has no problem living off a woman -i got no time for that; September 11, 2013 at 1:51 PM
MsCrissyV said...: All I can say is WOW! This is one of many reads that I have looked at by you and i'm still in untter shock and amazement. Thank you x1 billion for this. I'm a Gemini and this dating game is so confusing so it's comforting to read and laugh at some of the insight that you have posted! Thank you again ;); September 11, 2013 at 2:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, thank you for your reply I'm not sure when I posted as I don't want to lose what I've typed if I look back now but I'm the girl who had the invite over for dinner scenario.

I feel I'm in over my head now and I feel it's partly my fault for sleeping with him too soon. He's not disappeared, but I sense there maybe trouble ahead. He contacted me the other night and just said how are you sweetie I replied with a general but the convo didn't continue. I think today is quite pivotal in seeing what he does as he's usually wanting to see me sometime over the weekend and he makes that arrangement with me.

I feel very uneasy. He didn't mention the making me dinner scenario which I understand you don't agree with. In a sense though he has not followed through to do it and no mention in the text, unless he has it up his sleeve for the weekend. It feels a bit like he's pulling back from doing that for me and it's another bid to not be under the thumb. I think he is equating doing things for me as a threat on his freedom but he's saying that he wants a relationship.

It is very early days for me to see and as I said these next few days will be pivotal. This is a stark contrast to last week when he was phoning and texting most days. I maybe getting into a panic as he did contact me night before last so I will have to see whether he contacts me today for the weekend.

He has always taken me out on proper dates Mirror, I not sure that my last message was clear on that. He has invited me around for dinner though and the first I said I'd rather go out and the second time well he hasn't decided to do it for some reason, not yet anyway.

I never go to him and turn up as his we've been meeting up and going out for drinks. I've ended up back at his which I know is not right really in the early stages but the nearest place to go out is the city and it's too expensive for me to be travelling by cab regularly going home on my own and late at night on my own so I've been going back to his. Alright I should not of slept with him but I cannot turn the clock back. I do intend to stop the sex like you've said, bearing in mind I will probably be staying over and even though I owe him no explanation I will be in his presence so what do I say?
Do I go back to what I originally thought and say it was too soon for me and I want to get to know you better first. Do I say it was a mistake, do I say I don't want to.

I take on board that you think I'm saying too much to him, I suppose it's happening as he's asking if I'm ok all the time and I'm in his presence when these things are coming up and I'm just making a joke of things when I say anything to him but I understand this is not the way to go and to deliver actions. It's very hard when your in the company of someone as the natural thing is to want to voice things and sort it out there and then and I'm definitely a say it how it is person, so it is very difficult. On top of that I've got a history of not asking for what I need (which is in conflict to how we are meant to handling things with men -not with words) and I've had a lot of throat chakra issues for not voicing things.

The only way I can think to go is to stop the sex, in terms of speaking with my actions but bearing in I will be with him so what is best to say?? other than not tonight josephine haha.; September 12, 2013 at 6:42 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT girl with dinner scenario @Anonymous September 10, 6:08AM,

Just to clarify also that this guy is Irish, so I don't know if you know but I know some Irish people and their cultural talk is sweetheart, darlin, princess etc so maybe I've misrepresented him a bit with not giving that info.

With saying that there has been a lot of banter between us and some of it has contained me joking that he better get his act together and it's been very banterish and both of us humourously pulling each others legs. However, there are underlying issues that I sense he's on alert about his freedom from what he's come back with and even though the things I've said in a joke there is some truth in them.

It is really difficult as he SAYS he wants a relationship and I know this is WORDS but my gut instinct is that that is the truth but it is in conflict to him needing his freedom. Is it true to be a relationship there has to be some sort of self sacrifice to take into consideration the other persons needs or is this a case of just comprimising??

So I think what is going on here and bearing in mind we are in the early dating stages is he's wanting a relationship but there is an imbalance with him wanting to have his own freedom which is manifesting as you put it as wanting things on his own terms and trying to get me to settle for less, stop analsing etc.

I don't think his intentions are bad that's not what my gut is saying but I don't think he realises that maybe is not ready or prepared to contribute and give of himself what is needed to form a healthy relationship and I think he thinks on some level that he can do it in his own way. Probably he is not even realising that but subconsciously.

So where to go with this do you really think that No contact is necessary at this stage? As on one hand I've got the above then on the other hand he is taking me out for dates, arranging, contacting, wanting to see me. NO Sex deffo and a refusal of date dinners for now I will implement.

I guess I will have to see what his reaction is to these things as he will want to know what's wrong and am I ok etc. If I can see these actions through and speak some more through my actions then perhaps I can reverse the idea that he thinks he has got me and then he has to make decisions on whether he is willing,able and prepared to start giving to me properly and it becoming a relationship.

Thank you; September 12, 2013 at 7:11 AM
chk61 said...: @Gemini50: HIs email had a very friendly conversational tone and he wrote quite a bit. I thought about it and considered waiting until the next day to reply but I ended up replying about 5 hours later. That was Tuesday night and no reply from him. So once again, I am reminded of who I am dealing with.

I just realized the last time I physically saw him was 7/20 so next week will be a full 60 days of no physical contact. Wow, that went by fast. Most of that time we were both on vacation but it is still a significant period f time. So at least I have that under my belt and I will now institute complete no contact as I doubt I will hear from him again (well, not in the near future, let's say).

I re-read my response to him as he had asked me a couple of questions and realize I may have too chatty, possibly a bit complain-y and explain-y (NOT about him, about what he asked me about). It's interesting because he responded readily to my first emails which were much more brief, friendly yet on the terse side. Oh well. If he can't handle it, that's his problem but I learn a little bit more each day. Thanks for your suggestion though. I will certainly keep it in mind for the future.

Onwards and upwards. Keep on truckin', as they say. ;-); September 12, 2013 at 10:29 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror and everybody!

Oh, so many new interesting posts and answers since I was here last and it´s only been a few days.

@Hoopsgirl 76
This e-maintaining thing is spreading like plague. I have had two experiences of this kind. The men continued writing, mostly about themselves. I waited for them to ask me out but in one case, after about 6 weeks´correspondence, it never happened so I disappeared because it really hurt me as I was quite into it back then. In the other case we had corresponded for about 3 months! when he finally asked me out. I said yes. Then he cancelled, I said okay and he disappeared. He reappeared after a few weeks, no apology or explanation, and I was so silly that I wrote back. Needless to say, he disappeared again and I have never heard from him since. My gut tells me they both were married or in a relationship, older than me and wanted a woman to massage their ego.

@Mirror
With this last man the same thing happened. I gave him green light as you advised and he hasn´t written since then. I think he didn´t feel at home dating online, maybe just wanted to give it a try and when it started to be more real he got scared. However, as the correspondence was realatively short and I feel he didn´t deliberately string me along, I can deal with it without annoyance.

@Chk61
I understand how you feel. I don´t want to give you false hopes but I think this man will be back. Just do what Mirror says, go NC and let him go completely. And then he will return. However, how will things develop is questionable, nobody can predict that. I may seem very certain but this has happened to me repeatedly while I have been dating online. The most difficult for me was to release the only man I felt some attraction to in a long time - the player who brought me here - but with Mirror´s help I managed to dump him. And believe me or not, he´s contacted me quite a lot of times since then. And the more I have been refusing him the more he is trying now. So yes, he is actually back. And it seemed absolutely hopeless back in winter when I broke up with him. I sincerely thought it would be forever. Of course, the overall outcome is "bland" because he is a player but at least I don´t feel like a loser. And all that this required was some courage to let him go. Yes, as Mirror says, they want what they can´t have. And another, very practical reason why they come back is our age category. I am in my 40s and both men and women online have fewer options at this age. So they try to meet some people, then they disappear hoping to find other, "better" people and if that doesn´t happen they are back. Very simple.(-:

I wish you all the best.
HopefulWithMen; September 12, 2013 at 2:16 PM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini 50
UGH, indeed. It bothers me that these guys are using e-maintaining as an emotional crumb dispensal technique, giving us just enough to keep us on the hook. Not only are they cheap and dishonest -- but they're LAZY and half-assed. Piggish behavior, and SUPER UNATTRACTIVE.

And thank you for sharing the article on attachment. I recognized myself in there -- some mix of avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. My first seventeen years were full of fear and some violence (abusive father) so I'm fortunate to not have fallen into a physically abusive relationship as an adult. Just fell in with the e-maintaining ass clowns, lol.
But you are so right about becoming caregiver to our own child. I never thought of it this way and never realized how much I beat myself up for the tiniest of things!

@HopefulWithMen
It really is all over the place. Like you said, it's about an ego massage from women. Instead of spending actual time with us and getting to know us, they sprinkle crumbs via text and email and whatnot to fool us into thinking they're interested. The WANKER that brought me here to Mirror's site back around Valentine's Day did this. It was strange, I didn't know about all these sneaky tricks they pull at the time, but I could sense he was "mirroring" me via email for a while. Near the end, he would wait almost the same exact amount of time as me in between his crumb responses -- like he had an egg timer set, lol. Another ex pops up via text every six to seven weeks (always on a Friday night *eyeroll*) with some lame question about how things are going or how I'm doing. A short text conversation follows, and another six to seven weeks passes. It rolled in like clockwork last Friday night, and for the first time I've IGNORED him completely. It feels really good to give myself permission to do that.

@All the ladies. Be kind to yourselves and stay strong. Keep working to make your lives a WANKER FREE ZONE.

:)

Hoopsgirl76; September 12, 2013 at 11:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Hoopsgirl,

Good on you for ignoring him. That will throw him. I would enjoy what comes next as in terms of how he plays that one. I bet you hear from him again soon and he won't wait another six wks now you've changed that pattern I bet it's thrown him.

It's funny my situ is totally different to yours but with saying that I've had a change in communication this week for the first time and a crumb was sent out to me. I didn't realise at the time but now that week has gone by nearly I recognise it definitely as a crumb, a morsel, a hook and I'm really glad I do and reading your post definitely registered that one with me. So instead of me feeling glad he's got in touch I can see it for the pathetic lazy manipulating attempt it was and the next communication is going to get ignored as I need to nip this new behaviour of his in the bud. I'm going to enjoy this one he really doesn't know it's coming and he thinks he's got me under the thumb. I can't wait to show him with my actions that I require being treated properly and give him a bit of schooling!

Keep us posted on the Wanker alert!; September 13, 2013 at 10:59 AM
chk61 said...: @HopefulWith Men:

Thanks, I don't have false hope. Ok, maybe my fantasy ridden mind does reserve one little corner that says he'll be back. Maybe he'll wish me a Merry Christmas. ;-) I'm not holding my breath. It's a sad situation, this modern dating thing. He may be back but will i want him if/when he returns? I am curious to know how you are dealing with your "player" who keeps coming back when you are refusing him. I am not sure I will able to be that strong but I will certainly try (unless I have met someone else in the meantime).

And I agree with Mirror re: the state of this country. I am self employed and due to my injury this year (which continues to plague me, I have been trying to avoid surgery....long story and it's risky) my medical expenses will exceed $10,000. My disappearing man knew I was self employed which means no benefits from a corporation and in this country, being self employed is NOT rewarded. It is VERY risky. I believe he looks at me as a "risk" for him to be involved with due to my decision 20 year ago to be self employed. It has been great but when you get sick or injured, it's less attractive. Then again, there are no guarantees if you work for a corporation, they can always find a way to let you go. Luckily I have a formidable nest egg and I'm not too worried (like losing sleep worried) but the safety nets in this country are weak and people do have a false sense of security.

As I've mentioned before, I believe women over 50 who own property/have equity/mortgage, and possibly who have children are more date-able than single women who don't have these things. Having a house and children provide some sense of security. I feel like I'm completely on my own in this world and it can be a scary thought. So a man who doesn't feel completely secure in his own future or who is realistic about economic realities in this country will be more interested in a woman with a high paying job and/or tangible assets. Unless, of course, he is already wealthy but even then, he may prefer a woman from the same tax bracket.

Being intelligent, pretty and easy to get along with and financially stable (but I am still a renter) does not seem enough in this economy.; September 13, 2013 at 1:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror it's the dinner date girl here again,

Please could you advise me on the latest. I guess I need some guidance and evaluation on the guys latest behaviour and I know I need to deal out some consequences but in the context of what's going on I'm not sure how severe they should be as on one hand he's not treating me as he should be and on the other he's arguably not as bad as he could be.

To recap we slept together last weekend prematurely (mistake, I know) and this I'm dealing with now in his subsequent behaviour. Before this he was ringing and texting - say rang 3times last week prior to the date and loads of texts, only two days of the week I didn't hear from him.

When we parted after the date he asked me to text him to say I got home safely, which I did and we exchanged a few texts. Nothing then till tues night and a how are you sweetie text, I replied general and then nothing until a get a phone call this tea time Fri when he's finished work, I didn't pick up he didn't leave a message. I would imagine I will get a text later and some attempt tomorrow morning.

Now this communication on one hand doesn't seem too bad, but it is in stark contrast to last week. I mean the communication I had with him was a lot to be honest and it was nice I didn't expect that much of it as we've not been seeing each other long.

Thrown into the equation the fact that I've slept with him and alright he's not disappeared but the communication has altered since then dramatically.
I would have expected more communication with him this week and not just because we had sex.

He had said at the weekend about making me dinner as you know but that has not materialised, I would have turned it down though and asked to go out instead. I would have expected him to contact me Wed/Thurs for the weekend date as he has done before, so no call till now which is Fri tea time for me.

So on one hand it's very last minute for making plans which is not good for but I was envisioning not hearing from him till Sat or worst still getting angry that he might contact me when the weekend is nearly over maybe Sun.

So in my mind I'm thinking the later he leaves it the more livid I'm going to be because he should be respecting me and wanting to make plans with me and valuing me (could be a backlash to the sex I gave him) he shouldn't be pushing the boundaries and should be afraid to push them which makes me think that he can't be all that bothered of taking this risk and I think that's wrong and he should really be on his toes and not thinking he can do that and got that control. I do think he wants to see me this weekend hence the Fri after work phone call. I would have been livid if not got that or not got one say tomorrow morning but it's still not good leaving me all week not knowing what's going on apart from a crumb of a text. CONT...; September 13, 2013 at 1:26 PM
Anonymous said...: CONT dinner date girl

I've not had a good week to be honest and had epidsodes of feeling panicky and tears and I've paid the price for my behaviour of having sex with him.

I need to deal out some consequences to him and I do want him to wake up and feel some panic himself coz at the moment I think he knows that he can do this and it is ok, but I'm not sure how much is appropriate and how hard I should be.

We've not been seen each other long and should just be casually dating but it doesn't mean he can treat me casually. Sleeping with him confuses things because it takes you to a place whereby you expect more of a committed relationship type behaviour but I've not been seeing him long.

I've started with the ignoring of his phone call, I think he may make another attempt tonight, tomorrow. I'm guess I'm getting a bit wobbly with my boundaries here Mirror and this is why I'm writing to you for advice. I want to get back on track and form some boundaries that are appropriate to the situ.

Coz especially if he persists to contact me before our usual Sat night date I'm going to be tempted to respond to him is this ok or not? I think perhaps I should refuse if he asks me to see him tomorrow night even though it will be hard and I will be stuck in on my own due to shit friends and will feel lonely and so the pull will be to take the opportunity and go out, even though I know it is wrong. If this has to be the case I would tell him that I've got plans to go out.

On top of this it's not just the fallout from the sex that comes into the equation. He has reliable friends to go out with every weekend and what's been happening is he has a full on night and feels rough when he's out with me. The first time he pulled it off great and we had a great night but the second time he couldn't even finish his beer. So when we had a few minor words and a lot of joking and banter about being under the thumb, ball and chain etc etc.

So what I'm getting to is it's been on my mind that the change in communication this week my have been to do with the threat on his freedom as well. Or it could be a mix of the sex issue and the freedom that's altered in communication. I'm not interested in his freedom, all I'm bothered about is him treating me right. If he wants to go on lads nights out that's fine by me as long as he makes the effort with me and to see me.

So I bet he's out tonight and the phone call is about potential date tomorrow. I really thought he might push it and start really digging in his heels about his freedom and not contact me till it's too late to do anything and then I get the phone call. I am glad he's rang, I do acknowledge that, although this phone should have been earlier in the week.

I'm not sure maybe his bottle has gone and/or he's snapped out of this bid to do his thing and when it's come to it at the final hour he's decided to contact me to see me. Or it might be he's shit himself as not heard from me blowing up his phone and not had a reaction from me post sex and he's thought better get in touch.

So Mirror all in all how best should I proceed with this. I want to recover from the fact that I've had sex with him. When I do see him next the sex is going to stop but before I even get to that I need to deal the consequences out.

So can I respond to him this weekend? I know I definitely can't see him this weekend now otherwise he will think it is alright to treat me in this way.

I know I can't control his behaviour but I can try and control mine, so what consequences do I deal out in terms of how he has behaved this week? I don't want to over react but I want it to be appropriate to the level of how he has behaved with the goal that hopefully he will get the message that he has to raise the bar in how he treats me. It all needs nipping in the bud this behaviour.

thank you; September 13, 2013 at 2:06 PM
Anonymous said...: @ chk61
You are wondering how I am dealing with the player... Well, right after the break-up I thought I would never, ever hear from him. Then after a few weeks he sent me a "how are you" message, to which I didn´t respond. Later he phoned, but I didn´t answer. I still thought I would never give him another chance. As time passed I got over the break-up, met some other men through a dating site, life went on. And then one day he called again and I answered. We chatted and I sensed he wanted to meet, but he ddin´t say anything openly. Then another phone call after some time which I didn´t answer. A text message to which I din´t respond. Basically, I started playing with him, but I didn´t do it consciously. I was just cautious as I hadn´t had good experience with him. And now I think he has started pursuing me again. See, the situation has reversed. Next time he calls I may answer or not, I don´t know. I am corresponding with some other men, so he has become just one of several. And what is most important, I have my boundaries now. I had some last year when we met too, but now they are stronger thanks to Mirror´s advice. So if I decide to answer his call, I am determined to give him a small chance only when he is totally respectful. Otherwise no phone calls, let alone a date. Because I sense he is going to invite me for a date. Apparently, he has run out of women to date lol. I must objectively say though that he has some good points in my eyes because he does want real dates. Last year we met regularly for a few months. I know that he wants sex but at least I know what he wants. What I find really repulsive are these e-maintaining men with pretentious identities who string you along for days or weeks knowing that they will never ask you out. That I personally find even more disgusting than what players do, I must say.

So to sum up the whole situation:
We went for dates regularly.
I slowly started to fall for him.
He was disrespectful repeatedly.
I broke up with him.
After a few months he is back.

So Mirror is right, NC really works but it´s necessary to stick to it.

Have a nice weekend, all of you.
HopefulWithMen; September 13, 2013 at 5:18 PM
chk61 said...: @HopefulWithMen:

Thanks for the info. I guess the difference in our situations is that YOU broke up with HIM. I think that is a pretty significant difference. My "thing" with this guy never was established enough and since he just disappeared, an actual break up never happened. In retrospect, yeah I should have "broken up" with him before he disappeared the first time. But I was tired of being alone for 4 years and being 51 when I met him, and time not being on my side, I decided to just go after what I wanted which as we know, rarely works. So I contacted him about 2 months after he disappeared and that started up Round 2. And he has not replied to my last email reply to him, 5 days ago. And I have not SEEN him for almost 2 months. But who's counting. ;-)

It must be a nice turn-around to be in the driver's seat with your guy. And as far as you saying that he wants sex, well, of course....ALL men want sex. Human beings want sex, it is the most natural thing in the world. ALL men and ALL women want sex. And love. But in order for women to find love, we have to deny our natural desires for sex while men are allowed to be full, sexual beings. They are not judged for having sex drives while women are. Blah blah blah. The double standard - it's never going to change, it's just the way it is. A rather weighty topic and I'll leave it alone. ;-)

I know I will be OK. I was OK (although lonely otherwise I would not be doing online dating) before I met him and I'll be OK if I never hear from him again. Right now I'm feeling sad but it's also the fall/winter thing and the prospect of daylight diminishing. I feel like I need goals so I decided I can make it to Thanksgiving and then Christmas and if there is No Contact, then I can put him squarely in the past. First I have to make it to Columbus Day and this time I WILL.

And IF he contacts me during this time, I will most likely be posting here for advice and support. As I said, I'm not holding my breath. ;-); September 15, 2013 at 9:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Dinner Date Girl,
"Now this communication on one hand doesn't seem too bad, but it is in stark contrast to last week."

Re-read the article dear. Men almost always pull back at some point in a budding relationship - and how YOU handle it - can literally make or break the situation. If you freak out and start questioning every little move and exhibiting anxiety, he will pull back even more.

If you remain cool, calm, collected and SILENT - most times, these men come around again.

If you turn into the "crazy" chick, they run. If you remain the "cool" girl, they generally circle back to see what's up, LOL ;-)

"I would have expected more communication with him this week"

You can't place ANY expectations on him right now dear. First of all, no couple in the world keeps up the high amount of communication that existed in the early days of their meeting. It's natural for that to decline into a more subtle routine. Second of all, men will almost always pull back, particularly after sex, to experience freedom, independence - and to see if you're the "crazy" girl.

The way a man falls in love is different from that of a woman. A man will submerse himself in you (step forward), then come up for air (pull back), then submerse, then come up for air - it's their natural pattern.

"the later he leaves it the more livid I'm going to be"

Do that and you will send him away for good dear, and he'll label you the "crazy" girl. There are no commitments in place here. This is not a relationship at this point, it's casual dating (with sexual benefits). And you can't expect "relationship" treatment when casually dating someone which is why I don't advocate having sex early on. Because when women have sex, they want "relationship" treatment or a relationship to immediately follow. It doesn't work like that dear. You can't assume or expect you're going to have a relationship with the man simply because you had sex with him. And that's why women should not have sex with men too early - because the situation can crumble quickly and the woman pays the price for that.

"I need to deal out some consequences to him"

You do that by putting some space in between you two. Next time he contacts you, don't respond immediately. Respond a few days later. Signal to him that you're not okay with what happened via your ACTIONS and keep your words to yourself.

"We've not been seen each other long and should just be casually dating but it doesn't mean he can treat me casually."

Well, in a way, you're wrong with that type of thinking dear. This is NOT a relationship, there are no commitments in place here and he is not obligated to you. You are casually dating and as a result, the communication will be casual as will the dating experience itself right now. See this is what I mean about women and sex too early. You've had sex, so now you're expecting MORE. If you expect more after having sex with a man, then you shouldn't be having sex with the man - until you know MORE about him. I don't want to beat you up over the sex thing, but there's really no way around it here and the SEX is what's causing this issue for you. Had there been no sex, this wouldn't be an issue right now, ya' know? The sex complicated things for you.

Cont. . .; September 15, 2013 at 10:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: " If he wants to go on lads nights out that's fine by me as long as he makes the effort with me and to see me."

I understand how you feel dear, but the reality is - there are no commitments here. He doesn't HAVE to do anything, ya' know? Yea sure, you want him to treat you right. But the reality is that this is not a committed relationship and, as a result, he is not required to do anything here. He's free to walk away for good if he so chooses, because he's made no obligations to you, asked for no commitments and has not expressed feelings of love for you. So technically, he's free to do whatever he wants dear :-(

"although this phone should have been earlier in the week."

Why do you feel that way? Because you had sex with him? Do you now feel that because of the sex, his behavior should change?

" I want to recover from the fact that I've had sex with him."

I'm sorry to say this dear and I know it's not what you want to hear - but sex is something you cannot undue. You cannot take that back. What's done is done. Which is why it's IMPERATIVE that women do not sleep with men too soon, ya' know?

Sex is like a tattoo dear - it's permanent. You can't erase it and you can't pretend like it isn't there.

"I don't want to over react but I want it to be appropriate to the level of how he has behaved with the goal that hopefully he will get the message that he has to raise the bar in how he treats me."

If you want HIM to value you more, then YOU have to value yourself more dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

And if you want to place a higher value on yourself, then you need to use the Law of Scarcity (discussed in this article and also via the links shared regarding it) to your advantage to send a message.; September 15, 2013 at 10:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror dinner date girl here, thank you for your response!

I agree totally that the sex has complicated/confused things for me and I've ignored his contact this weekend become scarce and unavailable and I will respond after the weekend.

Sex aside, I'm still dealing with issues that well for instance I didn't get the call until the weekend
"although this phone should have been earlier in the week."

Why do you feel that way? Because you had sex with him? Do you now feel that because of the sex, his behavior should change?

Yeah undeniably, I feel like that because of the sex but I deffo hear what you're saying but also the weeks before I was happy that he was contacting me in advance to our weekend date. So it's not a case of wanting his behaviour to change I don't want the boundaries to be lowered post sex, he can do what he wants but I can't let him get away with poor treatment with me and I have shown him hopefully with my silence.

I do appreciate also the fact of natural distancing, pulling away etc as per article is the norm especially after sex, so it may well be purely a case of that, his late attempt to contact me to arrange our date for the weekend I presume. but it's added onto stuff he was doing before we had sex like asking me round for dinner and hints of laziness.

Regardless of the sex, it is not correct to expect a guy to call you in advance for the the weekend say three days before? Like he has been doing until we had the sex and my expectation of this dislike of his behaviour towards me has made me ignore his attempt to contact me last minute before the weekend. Alright the fact that we have had sex and then he changes his behaviour towards me does make it worse but, contacting me late is poor treatment isn't it sex or no sex? or should I not be expecting more than this?

You know I just thought well if it's that important to him to try and 'fit' me into his arrangements that he can have his weekend and he's just going to hear crickets from me.

I was considering the potential scenarios of him contacting me late after the weekend but he contacted me just before. I was never going to express my anger to him and my silence has taken care of my emotions anyway.

I'm totally confused now as I get what you're saying about me expecting relationship treatment because I've had sex with him but what about my expectations of him making plans with me in advance - are you saying that I should not expect this coz it's relationship stuff are you saying that is wrong of me? I mean how casual is he allowed to be?

and so I've gone silent with no intention of showing any emotion when I contact him, I've calmed down somewhat and hopefully it's made him think too. So please could you advise me what I could say in response to his phone call that he made. I was going to send him a text after the weekend but no idea of what to say?? Could you advise me please.

I'm not going to mention anything about anything, although I think he will probe what's up, especially when I see him. You know if I send a text all light and friendly how do they know the real communication behind the action of going silent? How do you know his interpretation of the SILENCE will signal to him that I'm not okay with it. Won't he just think oh she's sounds really cool,not bothered at all that I've not put in the effort, I can do this again because I can and she won't say anything about it, great I can do what I want and get away with it?

I think the answer to this too is the sex is stopping and then I won't expect more but I will still expect to be treated properly and for him to make an effort. I'm going to try and get to know him better before the sex is even brought into the equation again.

thank you; September 15, 2013 at 1:17 PM
Anonymous said...: @chk61
You are right. Mirror is trying to remind us repeatedly to take back our power and it´s a wonderful feeling to feel powerful with this man after being humiliated by his disrespect. And yes, you are right that my advantage was that it was me who dumped him and also, we didn´t have sex because I never felt safe with him and was cautious. And I was right. As Mirror says, a good man will wait until the woman is ready. So yes, I feel my power again. However, on the whole, I am in the same position as you and many other women here - I am still single and there is no man on the horizon. This player is a player. I want a relationship, he only wants sex, so it wouldn´t work and that´s why I doubt I´ll give him a real chance again.

So don´t be sad, you are not alone. And don´t worry about passing time. I firmly believe there are men, normal men, in every age category who want a nice woman by their side, just can´t find her. My motto is "it´s never too late to find a date, so never give up". Btw, if you have a photo on a dating site, are you smiling in it? I used to have a photo which I thought was nice but I had only half smile in it. Then I made another one, with a broad smile, and found out that the reaction of men was much more positive to the latter one. So focus on things like this and forget that man for now. He will be back anyway.

Best regards to Mirror and everybody (-:,
HopefulWithMen; September 15, 2013 at 2:02 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror dinner date girl here,

Just to add I'm really starting to doubt myself here for some reason and I don't know whether I've just over-reacted over the whole thing and whether he in fact has not done much wrong and that I could be punishing unnecessarily by ignoring his call and going silent on him. I mean am I over reacting to him contacting me late for the weekend? - should I really be leaving it a few days before getting back to him? because I'm starting to waver now and doubting if this is necessary and the right thing to do.

Do you think it is really necessary given the circumstances?

Confused :(; September 15, 2013 at 3:32 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and all,

My 55-y.o. friend from DC is staying at my home for week. We went out Saturday night and met up with his friend he wanted to set me up with last December (but I wasn’t interested in mtg anyone at that time.)

Oh boy. So much was said by these guys that I want to share, but it would take up too much space. What I came away with from them is that they will F any woman they find attractive and who will let them -- just as Ms. Mirror has written.

To them, women are a means for a sexual outlet (period). All they are looking for is a willing woman (who they find attractive).

The friend is 55 and a writer. He writes for a local newspaper and works for a national tv network performing research. He’s losing the latter job in a month. He lives in the town we visited, doesn’t drive (doesn’t need to in this community) and expressed several times he was having financial struggles. He also told me he was dealing with some personal/emotional “issues," so not looking for a relationship, just interested in dating – but he wants sex.

I heard a lot of sexual ‘gimme, gimme, gimme’s’ from both these guys for what they wanted from women; not once did I hear what they wanted to offer a woman. Not once.

These two consider themselves to be smart guys and enjoy the sport of debating with each other. Last night, they brought me in to their discussions. I quickly realized these guys were not worth taking seriously, so I just hung out with them, observed, and added my thoughts and a woman’s perspective where I could. I felt very comfortable holding my own and had no desire to appease either of them.

Writer eventually gave his classification of my dating style as, “old fashioned." He said it a couple times throughout the evening, I just laughed and agreed, thinking of what I’ve learned and have incorporated for myself from Ms. Mirror’s site.

As I said above, I heard quite a lot from these two -- not much of it good for women in general. But it was a great learning experience for me to take note of as I stayed confident and happy in my “old fashioned” dating style.

May we all get back to this old fashioned way of taking care of ourselves first! ;); September 15, 2013 at 8:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Dinner Date Girl,
"it is not correct to expect a guy to call you in advance for the the weekend say three days before?"

When casually dating you shouldn't expect to be seeing the man every weekend because that's more like "relationship" type dating, spending each weekend together. But when asking for a date, regardless of what day of the week, a 3 day advance notice is preferred. You can't expect that every man will follow that and you can't control him and force him to do that, but you can control whether or not you accept those types of last minute date invitations.

"contacting me late is poor treatment isn't it sex or no sex?"

It's venturing into "taken for granted" territory, particularly if the woman accepts those dates.

"I mean how casual is he allowed to be?"

At this point dear, he can be as casual as he pleases due to no commitment here. So you can't really "expect" anything, but you can control whether or not you accept.

"how do they know the real communication behind the action of going silent?"

The same way that anyone knows what silence means - they know it means something is wrong.

"How do you know his interpretation of the SILENCE will signal to him that I'm not okay with it."

Because silence signals to anyone that something is wrong.

"I can do this again because I can and she won't say anything about it, great I can do what I want and get away with it?"

If you're going silent and refusing last minute date offers, I hardly think he will see that as him getting away with it. If he has no access to you verbally or otherwise, then he's not getting away with it :-); September 16, 2013 at 8:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"Writer eventually gave his classification of my dating style as, “old fashioned."

Yep, and there's nothing wrong with that. If it ain't broke, why fix it, LOL?

Because the "new" way of dating, is destroying women right and left - their psyche, their emotional landscape, their head space, their confidence, their self-worth - the "new" way of dating comes at a VERY costly price to women.

Besides, these two, as grown as they are, don't realize that what they're referring to isn't dating - it's hooking up. Additionally, hooking up is geared 100% towards fulfilling selfish sexual needs, while true dating is about getting to know one another and fulfilling EACH OTHERS needs as I think you've already noticed the difference between the two.

Those two are just another example of selfish, entitled men - gimmie, gimmie, gimmie as you say.

And what the hell is so attractive about that? Nothing. We can all go around like vampires sucking the life out of one another if we want to, but in the end, no one gets any further ahead.

Everyone only ends up empty and depleted - and forever "searching."; September 16, 2013 at 8:53 AM
chk61 said...: @HopefulWithMen:
It is a good feeling to take your power back. I'm definitely ready for that with this guy, game on. I am NOT contacting him. If I have to come on here and post 9 times a day I will do that before I contact him. (Don't worry Mirror, I will try to restrain myself...) :-)

Funny you mention the photo I have on the dating site. I am smiling in the three photos but not with "teeth". So I'm currently searching for a photo I like with a toothy grin. :-)

I am supposed to meet a new guy this week, he is (gasp) only 44 (I am 52). I figure, it's just a drink and he doesn't seem unnerved at all by the age difference. He also seems to be very intelligent and thoughtful (at least by how he presents himself on the dating site and in email). We shall see.

"So focus on things like this and forget that man for now. He will be back anyway."

Thank you. I'm not counting on him coming back. I know it's a possibility but I am also preparing myself for never seeing or talking with him again. C'est la vie.

"Best regards to Mirror and everybody."

Ditto on the above!; September 16, 2013 at 11:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and to all the ladies.

To let you know I've had a big foot sighting! recently - 3months more or less bang on.
I really can't believe it in this case and when I received it I just kept saying I can't effing believe it. but part of me thought I would which was strange and the longer it went on the disappearance, I had to keep surpressing those thoughts as I didn't know if it was resistance to letting go. When I paid attention to the feeling of hearing from him again I thought it was kind of like a sabotage of holding myself back even though I've been casually dating others.

Mirror can you help me out here, I decided after some thought to reply I have some vague idea of what happened from what he said to me, I think it was something to do with a past relationship. We have not got into it properly communicating yet but he has expressed that he wants to see me.

For me I want to know an explanation of why he disappeared, I didn't need to know at the time as his silence told me all I need to know but if I am to see him then I want to know what happened in order that I make the decision on whether to see him or not. I'm guessing it's not alright to come out and ask what happened or is it?
Is there anything I can ask? I've not made a fuss about his disappearance, should I be saying anything about that.

I've been through the NO contact with this man so what else can I say or do to let him know that it is not ok to disappear and ignore me? and what can I do to protect myself here and value myself if I choose to go ahead and see him other than saying no?

Thanks; September 16, 2013 at 12:40 PM
Anonymous said...: I second that on the smiling on on-line dating photos. The amount of men that have commented on my smile is amazing. They really find that attractive.

There are studies to support this and it is a sign of confidence and friendliness. They definitely don't like the pouting ones and they are just desperate attempts to get a man, much better to be a natural smiling beauty it lights up your face and men love it.

If you've not got a nice smiley photo already, treat yourself and cheer yourself up with something and then get the photo taken!; September 16, 2013 at 12:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror dinner date girl here,

Thanks for clearing that up for me you make perfect sense. I particularly like that I now know not to expect a date every weekend in casual dating as it is more like a relationship. I never did think of it in that way before and it really takes the pressure off and a relief not to be expecting this that and the other to be honest...

thank you; September 16, 2013 at 3:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 16, 12:40PM,
"I'm guessing it's not alright to come out and ask what happened or is it?"

No, don't do that. And as far as getting an explanation before you see him again, I suggest waiting until you receive an apology and he expresses a desire to "talk" before you agree to see him again.

If he doesn't do that, go silent again and stay silent until he DOES do that. Otherwise, it's a waste of your time and if he doesn't express a desire to talk to you or offer an apology at least, then you'll have a repeat of the first situation and you'll be right back to square one.

Don't make it easy for him to waltz back into your life. Place some barriers between you and him (silence, distance, etc.) and this time, TEST him and TEST whether or not he's genuinely interested. If he is, he'll amp up his efforts. If he isn't, he'll fade away again and you'll have your answer.

"what else can I say or do to let him know that it is not ok to disappear and ignore me?"

YOU don't DO anything. HE has to PROVE himself to you, via consistent communication, repeated efforts and "working" at accessing you BEFORE you go out with him again. It's now HIS turn to DO something. All you need to be concerned with at this point is whether or not you will respond.; September 16, 2013 at 5:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA!

The guy I use to talk to suddenly contacts me via text. To make a long story short, he left me for another girl and I haven't talked to him in 3 or 4 months. As far as I know they are still together. I moved out of state so he asks how I am doing and what I've been up to. He gets offended when I as what was his purpose of contacting me. He told me despite what I think he still cares about (which is bullshit..lol).

I guess my question is why would he contact me when I moved on and he has a girlfriend anyway? We don't even live in the same state anymore. Is this his ego to test if he still has it or is he realizing the grass isn't always greener on the other side? If I was his girlfriend I'd be pissed he told another girl he cares for her..smh

-Independent Diva; September 16, 2013 at 6:14 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

You defined the ‘new fashion’ of hook-ups so well. It leaves women crawling thru days, weeks and months to get answers and get strong again. Answers from men they’ll often never receive, and answers of themselves as they rebuild their self-worth.

This is kind of funny: during the end of the evening Writer and I were chatting (while DC was e-maintaining a woman) and I don’t remember the entire conversation but I do remember part of it. He was telling me how hard it is for him to change at his age, and I responded that I wasn’t buying it. If he really wanted to change his life, he could. Writer debated that my comment was not correct because he couldn’t just “get a million dollars” because he “wanted it.”

I explained the change I was talking about was from within, and if he wants to change, he can. Then somehow we got on to other people’s perceptions:

Writer> I care what people think of me.

Me> Why? As long as you are living your life as best you can. Doing the right thing – and we all know what the right thing is deep down inside. Not hurting anyone, then who cares what anyone else thinks?

Writer> You don’t care what people think of you?

Me> Nope, not any more. I used to. But when I turned 50, a switch went on and something changed. I know who I am and how I try to live my life. And I’m good with me. If anyone wants to judge me, I don’t care.

Writer> You don’t care what I think of you?

Me (with a smile and a tip of my beer glass)> Nope.

Writer> You should care.

Me> Why? I don’t know you.

Writer> I care what you think of me.

Me> Why? You don’t know me.

And then we talked about how long we expect to live and the time we have left, etc. (Me: positive; Writer: challenged.)

By then DC was back involved, and it became a guy ‘thing’ again. DC said, “EXACTLY! That’s why we want as much sex as we can get in the time we have left!”

I looked at Writer, and he agreed with DC.

When we parted our ways to go home, we were walking down the street and Writer says with a grin, “So, are you coming home with me?”

Laughing, I told him “No.”

I bet, as he walked home, he thought about my “old fashioned” behavior. Lol; September 16, 2013 at 6:44 PM
Anonymous said...: How do you TEST a man? Don't chase..just sit back and watch his actions?; September 17, 2013 at 2:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
I am so proud of you girl! You don't realize what you just did there, LOL. You came across confident, independent and most importantly - "whole" and happy. And I guarantee you that Writer was attracted to that, hence his jokey invitation for you to go home with him. He is intrigued, his curiosity is piqued and he's curious, guaranteed.

And you know why?

Because in his own way, he was testing you, testing your insecurities, and he got a reaction that I imagine he rarely, if ever, sees in a woman. He was expecting you to say yes, you care what people think. And then he was going to "dig" deeper into that, to drill down to what your ultimate "weak" spot was - so he could zero in on it.

You gave him absolutely NO weakness to zero in on and you basically told him you could care less what he thinks of you - which I think threw him a bit. I don't think you realize it, but in his own way, he was trying to run "game" on you, LOL. He wanted you to expose your weakness to him, so he could zero in on it, and then use that to his advantage, either through lifting you up with compliments or through bringing your insecurities to light so he could play on them a bit.

You gave him nothing with regards to that. But you know what you DID give him? Something to THINK about, LOL ;-) And I guarantee you, he's thought about you and what you said.

And these two are a prime example of overgrown adolescents. Particularly a comment like this:

“EXACTLY! That’s why we want as much sex as we can get in the time we have left!”

Yes - because we all know that when these two die and folks are attending their funerals - the first thing that people will mention about their existence on earth is:

"Writer got laid repeatedly. He was a good man that lived a life full of varied, cheap, casual sexual experiences that he found very fulfilling and meaningful. He was a man of many women and he lived a very rich life."

LOL! What fools. They sound like two frat boys.

And what they don't realize is that that type of talk generally only impresses men, other men. It's "locker room" talk and it generally does not impress women. They're such fools. I mean, how is this impressive to women? "Gee, I like getting laid. I think life is all about sex. And I like my sex cheap and meaningless, it's easier that way. And I don't care who I leave hurt left lying in my wake as I roar through their life - getting my sexual needs met."

WTF?? LOL - fools. 50 year old fools, which is quite sad honestly.

Cont. . .; September 17, 2013 at 9:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: To think that in all their 50 years on this earth and all of their experience with women - THIS is the BEST they can do at this stage in the game?

That's honestly quite sad. Two foolish men living their lives selfishly, leaving pain and hurt and sadness in their wake, that haven't learned a damn thing about women in all their decades on this earth.

And regardless of the "negs" he threw at you regarding your thoughts about dating being old fashioned - what he fails to realize is that your old fashioned dating views - actually piqued his interest in you, LOL!

Had you given into his childish view of dating as "hookups" - you know what he would have thought of you?

He would have thought you were weak and he would not have any respect for you - and he would've been chomping at the bit to "use" you as a result.

And don't confuse that with his invitation about you coming home with him. I don't think THAT was about using you - I think THAT was about CONQUERING you - because you came across as a challenge. And had you gone home with him (which I don't advocate ladies but let's just pretend) and slept with him. Then went home afterwards and gone completely silent, waiting for him to come to you, he would've been even more intrigued by you and your behavior. He would've seen you as even more of a challenge. And he may have even secretly fallen in love with you or developed feelings for you as a result.

Now of course ladies, that's all speculation above and pretend - but my point with this little exercise is - THAT is how men FALL for a woman - without even realizing they ARE falling for you, LOL ;-); September 17, 2013 at 9:50 AM
Anonymous said...: Good for you, Anonymous Sept 13 @ 10:59 am!

"So instead of me feeling glad he's got in touch I can see it for the pathetic lazy manipulating attempt it was and the next communication is going to get ignored as I need to nip this new behaviour of his in the bud. I'm going to enjoy this one he really doesn't know it's coming and he thinks he's got me under the thumb. I can't wait to show him with my actions that I require being treated properly and give him a bit of schooling!"

Haha, doesn't that just feel good? I mean, it sucks that these guys act this way and we have to resort to schooling GROWN MEN, but it feels good to stand up for yourself, no? They really do think they have us under their thumbs but little do they know we have Mirror and the ladies here keeping our heads on straight! Keep on doing what you're doing :)

Haven't heard from either wanker (the Valentine's Day breakup wanker or the bi-monthly texter) and I'm HAPPIER for it, lol.

Stay strong, ladies. Try to put yourselves first always. Hugs. :-)

-Hoopsgirl76; September 17, 2013 at 9:54 AM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini 50

Wow, I really admire how you handled that situation with the Writer - "As long as you are living your life as best you can. Doing the right thing – and we all know what the right thing is deep down inside. Not hurting anyone, then who cares what anyone else thinks?"

That is so awesome! I'll bet he almost spit his beer out, lol. I shouldn't be surprised guys in their 50's act this way, but I kind of am. Ugh. I guess we've always got to be on the lookout, no matter the age. Thanks for sharing this, as it's been very eye opening!

-Hoopsgirl76; September 17, 2013 at 10:06 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Hoops

Yeah absolutely and while I was standing up for myself with my actions and incidently it working, I've had a big foot sighting of 3MONTHS from another and I have to say it feels bloody good knowing that I could do that for all that time, without saying sweet FA and the message he will have got from that silence - wow that feels powerful.

So your wanker antenna maybe picking up signals as we speak!; September 17, 2013 at 10:51 AM
Anonymous said...: Yeah I agree and I bet those 50 yrs men are a right mess, seen better days and have let themselves go LOL and wouldn't stand a chance of a leg over anyway, locker room bullshit and wishful thinking if you ask me!

Well done Gem you pulled a blinder; September 17, 2013 at 10:58 AM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

Sometimes I'll ignore a text or FB message completely from these reappearing/disappearing guys if they send it too late especially if I told them before i don't take calls late at night. Same rules apply to me for texting. And when I don't respond at all, they will contact me earlier or even call at another time. I think in those cases even responding at a later time (like in 3 days) is too much of a reward. I find not responding at all sends better message here. What do you think?

~Lioness of the Sun; September 17, 2013 at 12:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Gosh men are really ridiculous sometimes...; September 17, 2013 at 12:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Independent Diva,
"my question is why would he contact me when I moved on and he has a girlfriend anyway?"

There could be many reasons, but a few of the more nefarious ones include:

1) Things are disintegrating in his relationship and he's looking to make a smooth transition from one woman to the next when/if that happens.

2) He's a cheater and he's looking for a partner in crime.

3) He might be looking to kick up an e-relationship - one that only exists via text and/or email, with another woman.

Like I said, there could be many reasons and not all of them are necessarily bad.

But then again, it is in poor taste and also shows a lot about his character that he's currently involved in a relationship yet touching base with women he "cares" about. Smells like a bit of trouble if you ask me.; September 17, 2013 at 4:46 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Hi Mirror,

I finally got through all 3,000+ comments! I’m loving all the ladies’ stories and feedback. I originally posted on August 29th, and I’m back with an update about Virgo, the guy I am/was casually dating. I haven’t seen him for over 5 weeks. The last time I wrote here, I hadn’t heard from or seen him in 2 weeks, and then he texted me, “Where’ve you been?” You told me that his actions were in line with his words, and I was expecting relationship behavior from him when we were only casually dating, and you were right. I realized my expectations were unrealistic. After his text, I waited 6 days and responded:

Me: Hey good to hear from you the other day! How are you?

He immediately responded…

Virgo: You know I realized that if something happened to you I’d have no idea.
Virgo: I’m doing really well though work has been crazy busy.
Me: I guess that’s true. You thinking morbid thoughts about me? ;)
Virgo: I’ve been thinking thoughts but none that were morbid.
Me: That’s a relief! Well I hope you’re enjoying the long weekend :)
Virgo: What are you doing today?
Me: I have a party tonight. You?
Virgo: Surprisingly nothing.
Me: No response

Then he texted me at 11:20 pm (which was not out of character for us on the weekends when we were talking a lot).

Virgo: You have fun tonight?

I waited until the next morning to respond.

Me: Yes it was fun. How was your night?

He immediately responded, and we texted back and forth a few times about our nights, then:

Virgo: Want to get brunch today?
Me: I’d love to but I have a million things to do today :( Maybe we can meet up later this week if you’re free.
Virgo: This week is music fest. (Two guy friends) and I are doing something every night.
Me: Fun! Maybe this weekend…
Virgo: Yeah that could work.

Then we talked about the music fest for a bit and how much he was looking forward to it. This is an event he had previously told me about. Then:

Virgo: Sorry about going MIA. Our schedule got impacted by another team and I’ve been working over the weekend to make up lost time.
Me: Thank you for that. Working weekends is no fun. Hopefully things will calm down work wise.
Virgo: Thank me for what?
Virgo: And this month gets crazy because I’ll be in (out of state) in 2 weeks, then it’s (another event) weekend, then it’s one free weekend, then it’s (a trip abroad).
Me: For saying sorry.
Virgo: (My nickname), I like you.
Me: Aww :)
Me: You have a super exciting birthday month planned!
Virgo: Ha yeah hopefully October will be a bit calmer.
Me: No response

I know he’s being honest about all of these events/trips because he told me about them 2 1/2 months ago when we were talking a lot. It felt a little awkward thanking him for his apology, but I wanted to acknowledge it without saying it was okay.

The music fest week went by, and I didn’t hear from him about plans for the weekend. Then in the middle of the night on Friday, I woke up, and about 30 seconds later he texted me. That was 2:45 am which is totally out of character.

Virgo: Hey
Me: No response

I thought it was odd that I woke up 30 seconds before he texted me, almost like I sensed it. That text didn’t deserve any kind of response from me. Six days went by with no contact, then he texted me on Thursday night.

Virgo: What happened this weekend, we were supposed to hang out.

I waited 12 hours to respond.

Me: I know weird huh? ;)

He immediately responded:

Virgo: Also I was wrong, I’m going to (out of state) today. I wanted to see you before I left.
Me: Is this for fun or work?
Virgo: For fun, I’m meeting up with some friends there and bro out.
Me: Have fun!!! Gimme a call when you get back and maybe we can meet up.
Virgo: Only maybe? :P
Me: Maybe if you’re lucky ;)
Virgo: Uh huh
Me: No response

Cont...; September 17, 2013 at 6:33 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Hoopsgirl, I wish that switch had gone On a long time ago. And I hope it goes On a lot sooner than it did for me for the people on this site. I went thru the motions throughout my entire life, and raised my kids with “I don’t care what others think,” but really I did. I cared tremendously; and I cared for the wrong reasons: acceptance, love, fear. And even though I still fall into a little abyss at times (when fear and doubt starts creeping in) I accept it and give myself permission to be who I am, the good, the sad and the ugly. Lol Because, I know it will pass – it’s just getting thru it that takes a lot of work. ;-)

@ Ms. Mirror, you are right on again, and I think I see some gaming going on now:

I am friends with DC on FB, and Writer is friends with DC on FB, but Writer and I are not friends on FB.

In the past year, I’ve commented twice on bantering between DC and Writer on FB that has shown up on my feed from DC.

Well, Sunday, I see on my FB, that DC responding to a post from Writer about going out the previous night with his “good friend DC, and having a really fun time.” No mention of anyone else out with them (me!!) just them two. At first my ego reacted, “Hey! What about me? I was there too! Those bastards!!” lol

But then my female-smarts kick in and say, “Hell, no, girl, this is a fishing expedition – he is putting out the bait to see if you’ll take it. You are going to be silent.”

And then my common sense kicks in, and says, “You dumb-ass, you are thinking more of this than it is. It’s nothing.” So I forget about it.

Well, let’s say that I collect coasters from restaurants (I don’t, but I’m using this as an example of an action). DC, Writer and I had a discussion about people (me) who “steal” coasters from restaurants.

In Writer’s entertainment piece today, he ends it with something similar to, “… and this place has a special coaster for those who like to “steal” them.”

So, Ms. Mirror, do you think he’s fishing/gaming? ;-) I do, and I think I can FINALLY see it as it’s happening.
And, I’m not reacting… crickets, baby, crickets. lol

Ladies, practice, practice, practice taking care of yourself and observing. Peter was right a while ago with information he shared with me/us: knowledge is in stages. It’s work to get there, but it’s worth it.
HUGS!; September 17, 2013 at 6:36 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Cont…

I don’t think he liked my last response, and honestly, I didn’t like it either but didn’t know what else to say. That was four days ago, and I know he returned home from his trip yesterday (due to FB updates). Today is his birthday, and I don’t know if I’ll acknowledge it. If I do, I think I will just post a simple Happy Birthday on his FB wall, as I would do with any of my FB friends. It’s the least personal way to do it. We’ve been FB friends for a year and a half, not just when we started seeing each other.

I’m disappointed because he isn’t making an effort to see me. Yes, he invited me for brunch at the last minute that day, but that was 2 weeks ago, and he hasn’t tried to make a plan since. I have not initiated contact once since August 11th. I’ve been waiting to respond to his texts, even while we’re having a conversation, I’ll wait anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour to respond, where before I almost always responded in seconds. So I’ve pulled back a lot, and obviously he’s noticed, but he’s not taking action. He’s still only been single for less than 4 months. I know we’re not in a relationship, and he told me early on that he wasn’t ready to jump into anything. It just doesn’t feel great that he was totally making time to see and not to me before, but not now.

PS – I’m still dating online and will continue with it, but so far it’s been a joke. I had a date last night with the most insecure man I've ever met!

Am I doing okay with this Virgo? It’s been difficult to pull back and act less interested and not respond to his attempts to make me chase him, but that part does feel good! It’s a big change for me, and like you talk about, it’s uncomfortable.

Thanks for listening!; September 17, 2013 at 6:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Definitely a fishing expedition girl, and now, you see it coming a mile away.

I told you - you gave him something to "think" about - and now, he can't stop thinking about you - guaranteed, LOL ;-)

But I will warn you, he's a player type, so be careful. Doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad man, but it does mean he plays games, uses "negs" (as he's doing right now, which I'll explain in a moment) and probably disappears on lots of women. So just tread lightly here with him ;-)

Regarding the use of "negs," he did it at the restaurant when he said, "don't you care what people think about you" and he did it again in the FB post - by speaking of the evening, leaving you out of the equation, yet dropping an "inside" hint that you were there.

He's a crafty one, LOL, and he's trying to push your buttons. You can expect more of that, but don't take it or him too seriously right now. Have fun with this one, I imagine he can take it and I also imagine it's refreshing for him to encounter a different type of woman. So be yourself, don't be afraid to be a bit snarky with him and don't be afraid to be brutally honest with him if need be, just like you were at the restaurant that night.

In otherwords dear, feel free to give this one a run for his money ;-); September 18, 2013 at 9:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Gemini,

I've got one word to say to you and that's 'Bait' he clearly fancies you and the way you've behaved and handled yourself, well, I bet he's found it a huge turn-on.

Yeah you're spot on for going silent, let's see if he ups the anti, I bet he will!; September 18, 2013 at 10:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Three Times a Libra,
"I don’t think he liked my last response"

Don't sweat it dear. This man went MIA on you - and you're still here for HIM. If he's a "good" guy, he'll realize that and overlook that last response and if he's genuinely interested, he circle around again to make another attempt.

"obviously he’s noticed, but he’s not taking action."

Well, that says something dear. It says that he's still "casual" about this and, as a result, you should be too.

"Am I doing okay with this Virgo?"

I actually think you're doing very well dear. The fact that you went silent and remained calm, clear, concise and non-emotional when he resurfaced - is actually why you received an apology from him. He felt "safe" enough about your emotional reaction to provide that for you. And that's how I suggest women handle those situations - don't let the man know he's gotten to you via WORDS, use your ACTIONS to signal that - you're fine with him, LOL. And once you do that, he'll suddenly realize you're okay without him, he'll realize the part he played in that, and if he cares at all, he'll issue an apology with regards - which is EXACTLY what he did.

I think if you remain a bit silent, providing him no pressure, lots of room to breath and setting boundaries with your actions as you have been, he'll respect that and it'll make him feel safe to draw nearer to you.

You just need to give it time dear. This is still in the "casual" get-to-know-you phase and he's experiencing single life again. So give him plenty of space and time to do that - while you're also doing the same thing for yourself.

Don't sit around and wait for him, keep moving forward - and if he's genuinely interested, he'll catch up with you when he's ready :-); September 18, 2013 at 3:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Three Times a Libra,
I should add, and this is for all the ladies here, it helps to think of "casual" dating scenarios much like cooking.

And ladies, pay CLOSE attention to this because this is how many men (not all but many) look at dating (much like a numbers game):

You're cooking and on the stove you have:

- a pot of boiling water (one man)
- a pot of simmering sauce (another man)
- a tray of garlic bread in the oven (another man, yep, I'm Italian ;-)

Now mind you, you're sleeping with none of these men, at this point, you're in the "get to know you" stage only. And if you're getting close to one, I don't suggest keeping the other two on the burner.

But this is simply an exercise to give you a visual. I'm referring to doing this type of thing when casually dating men here who surface say, only once a month or so.

Each of these items requires a bit of stirring and each are still "cooking" - and each are still viable options - until one starts to rise above the rest.

This is how many men date ladies - it's a numbers game to many men. They realize the higher the female numbers on the stove, the higher the chances of success. Which is why I really don't advocate sleeping with men early on when casually dating - because the reality is, at that early stage with many men, you're probably one pot on a stove that has four burners going at the same time if ya' get what I mean. And if you don't play your cards right and you sleep with the guy too soon, you could end up in his "rotation" of women and sadly, fall to the bottom as the last dish prepared because while you've been sleeping with him, there may be another woman posing more of a challenge, thus keeping his attention focused on her, stirring her pot constantly, making sure the temperature is just right.

You want to be the burner that's receiving the most attention - and giving yourself away isn't going to garner you that attention believe it or not. If he's already dipped his finger into the pot and tasted the goods, he'll place you on the back burner, where he'll keep you warm and simmering - until he's ready to dip his finger in again for another taste - and you may never actually be "served" as a result.

The one garnering the attention is going to be the one that's still a "work in progress," the one he hasn't "tasted" yet,- if ya' know what I mean ;-); September 18, 2013 at 4:12 PM
Pisces Girl said...: and that sort of analogy is exactly why I visit this site DAILY! i've said it before and ill say it again- YOU are brilliant!!! I know I NEVER wanna be placed on that back burner again or even worse be kept on the stove so long that I get burned! and because of you I feel confident that will never happen to me again-thanks Mirror xo; September 18, 2013 at 10:55 PM
Hoopsgirl76 said...: @The Mirror of Aphrodite -- I've been exchanging emails with a seemingly nice man this week and would love your input. He's initiated each time, and they come in at a rate of one per day - beginning on Sunday night. We "met" on a forum for folks who have social anxiety. I really don't get out that much because of my ineptness/anxiousness in social situations. :-( (It's been years since I've been on a real life date. The "bi-monthly texter" I talk about sometimes was the last one. My heart was crushed after that relationship and I've avoided men until lately.) Anyhow, we are the same age, 37, and he is divorced with two daughters 4 and 8. I'm never married, no kids but I haven't shared this yet.) His next to last email was very nice, and ended with "tell me all about you, anything at all, so I can get to know the real you." I responded back with three or four lighthearted things about me -- thinking it's early on, I need to be holding back here, not oversharing and overwhelming! And I said it would be lovely if he shared a few things with me.

Well, his email reply last night was about twice as long as mine -- with humor and personal details out the wazoo! Part of which said "don't apologize for your long email, as I love hearing anything about you" and included an apology (whoa?!) for not getting back to me sooner in the evening, as he had a class to attend. The email was only an hour later than usual so there was really no need to apologize, but I thought it was sweet that he did. My email to him earlier in the day was about three hours later than usual, lol.

-My questions are -- how much should I share? It's so early on! I still need to hold back and be something of a mystery, don't I?

-Also, am I making myself too accessible to him? He's been emailing me every evening, and I've been responding to it the next morning/afternoon. Should I begin to wait a day or two in between? Argh! I feel like a toddler riding a bike for the first time, Mirror, and you are my training wheels!

Hugs to all the ladies, I hope you are all well :-)

-Hoopsgirl76; September 19, 2013 at 10:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I just want to ask you some advice on my casual dating situation. After last weekend and me not answering his last minute call for the weekend and incidently me finding out that it was indeed an invitation for that night when he rang me after the weekend.

He half-joked with me about not even getting a text off me and when I said that by the time he contacted me it was late and I'd already made plans to go out with friends he half-joked/balked at having to contact me in advance. He then proceeded in the same phone call to invite me out for that night (Mon) and again I told him I had other plans. Wednesday comes and I get text for that night and asking if I wanted to do anything and I made my excuses for that too but said I would love to meet up soon, which he was pleased about.

He clearly wants to see me and is making steps towards me to try and make things happen but he doesn't seem to be getting the message that - if he wants to see me then he is going to have to book me in advance. Before we had sex he asked me out for dates with enough notice, so I'm wondering if there is anything behind this reluctance not to ask me out in advance, it's as though he is not wanting to do it for some reason and I don't know what it is. Or maybe it's just a case that he's relaxed a bit too much about things now.

Having said that you would have thought that me turning him down 3 last minutes invitations in a row would be enough for him to resign himself to having to plan things in terms of asking me out a few days before.

Unless I hear from him soon and it's looking at the moment that he is going to do it again for the weekend. I don't know what to do about it, that even though what I have done is right, it is not working and also I sense that he wants to see me and is a bit gutted when I've been turning him down.

Please could you advise Mirror - thank you; September 19, 2013 at 2:49 PM
Mltn said...: Ladies,

An update on me and my co-worker. A couple of weeks ago, we had the long-planned conference where we both traveled and stayed at a hotel together. In advance of the trip, he started contacting me again, a lot. One night I did sleep with him, he stayed the night in my room.

Yes, I know. I left from this trip for my own vacation, and even at the time I felt the sex was a one-time, "get it out of my system" thing, and strongly suspected that it would go nowhere. In the moment, I went with it, but I did not (and do not) have expectations that this "fixes" anything or that we would be together.

While I was on vacation, he texted and emailed. When I got back to the office, he called and emailed and hung out in my office every day.

We have not spoken about the trip (or the sex). He came in to my office yesterday and gave me a shoulder massage (under the guise of reviewing a document on the network, his hands drifted to my shoulders, blah blah blah). Still, he has said nothing and has initiated nothing further (tomorrow will be 2 weeks since our night together).

It is so bizarrely frustrating that he's now back to calling me 3+ times a day, emailing dozens of times, texting a bit, and lurking in my office several times a day like a stalker. If I'm reading the actions, this says "I'm interested" to me, but there's no follow-through. He's spent this whole week occupying my time during the day at work, texting me a bit at night, but not asking me out, so why bother? I still sometimes want to scream "WHY? WTH? What is your problem? What do you want?"

The thing is, I had developed very strong feelings for him over the course of the 7+ years that we were best friends. But the disappearing, the uncertainty, and the ambiguous behavior have pretty well killed most of what I felt, and all of my hope and optimism that this might work out or that he might really care about me.

He's still deleted from my cell phone. I don't expect a relationship.

One good thing I can say, though, is that I have at least had sufficient good experiences in my life to know how it feels to be loved and treated right by a man, and this is not it.

Amongst the issues: I had a pet that died while I was on vacation. I got a "so sorry" text, but no other acknowledgement/support/concern. I mentioned that I had vacation photos and some pictures from when I was in high school that a friend brought along on our vacation, and asked if he'd like to come by to see them. No response, and he hasn't.

It's just painfully obvious that he doesn't care about me as a person, and I still wonder if our friendship, where he DID seem to care about me and support me, was all some sort of pretext to get into my pants, or if the first time we kissed some sort of switch was flipped that turned him into a pig. Lol.

And maybe this is the wrong way to look at it, but in a way the sex just confirmed that this is not what I want, that I want mutual feelings to go with physical intimacy, that this is a pale shadow of what could be. In that sense, I don't regret it. It's all part of learning the lesson, and sometimes I really need my face ground in the bad experiences to "get" it, but I don't feel hurt/sad so much as resigned and disillusioned at this point.; September 19, 2013 at 3:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hoopsgirl76,
"how much should I share?"

Not much dear, you don't want to overwhelm someone before anything even gets off the ground.

And it's interesting you bring this up as I was watching Tough Love Co-Ed last night and this very topic was discussed in the episode. In this case, the woman can't let go of her husband who passed away six years earlier:

http://www.vh1.com/video/misc/932185/judy-talks-booty-calls-and-tattoos.jhtml

I'd suggest you check back in at this link tomorrow for the full episode of #504 there and also watch the previous full episodes as Steve touches on MANY of the subjects we discuss here in them including:

1) Arrogant men
2) Players
3) Emotional drama
4) Body language

And a lot more. You can find the previous full episodes here and also check that link for the upcoming ones as well each week (airs on VH1 every Wednesday evening):

http://www.vh1.com/shows/tough_love/season_5/series.jhtml

"Should I begin to wait a day or two in between?"

For now, you can continue at the pace you are, but I'd respond each afternoon, not right away the next morning. You want to slow this down a bit so you don't get raced into a situation you're not ready for prematurely.

So just keep the pace nice and slow and at one YOU are comfortable with and OBSERVE his communications and actions closely for now :-); September 19, 2013 at 3:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 19, 2:49PM,
"he doesn't seem to be getting the message that - if he wants to see me then he is going to have to book me in advance."

"he half-joked/balked at having to contact me in advance"

Oh no, don't let him fool you. He KNOWS full well what he needs to do here, but as you sensed, he "balked" at that and turned it into a joke. Which signals to me that he's not interested in making anyone happy - but himself. The fact that he balked at that and joked about it and didn't take it seriously but then turned around and tried again without advance notice - twice - tells me that he's out to "win" here in a sense. . .meaning, he's going to prove to you that it will be HIM in control and that if he pressures you enough, you'll submit to his last minute whims.

I've encountered this before dear. Men that know exactly what they're doing and know exactly what they need to do - yet refuse and instead, keep incessantly pushing THEIR own agenda.

Nine times out of ten, those types have turned out to be arrogant, entitled control freaks that are selfish and don't know the first thing about making a woman happy - and keeping her happy :-(

It becomes a battle of wills due to their ego and pride rather than a budding relationship unfortunately.

"I'm wondering if there is anything behind this reluctance not to ask me out in advance"

Yea - control. Now that he's received the "goods," he's overconfident and arrogant and cocky and thinks he's got you right where he wants you and that this is now going to go his way and you are eventually going to submit to that.

"it's as though he is not wanting to do it for some reason and I don't know what it is."

Control, pride, arrogance, selfishness, the need to prove he can control others - the list goes on and one and honestly, indicates he's got some issues dear :-(

"even though what I have done is right, it is not working"

It's not working dear because he's got some issues - he's showing you that. He's showing you that what YOU NEED isn't of any IMPORTANCE to HIM and that he's more concerned about HIS NEEDS while he minimizes and makes jokes and makes light of YOURS.

Do not overlook that dear. Dating a man like this could quickly turn into a nightmare - a constant battle of wills - with HIM insisting on winning.

He clearly knows what he needs to do. You're not asking this guy for diamonds and furs, you're asking him to RESPECT YOU and to understand YOUR NEEDS.

And his REFUSAL to do that very, very simple thing for YOU - is actually saying a lot about his character dear, and it isn't good :-(

If he was able to respect you when you first dated (and plan in advance), but suddenly and mysteriously finds himself unable to do now that you've slept together - another big red flag that signals overconfidence, arrogance and laziness on his part.

Many men believe that once they've slept with a woman, they've got her, right where they want her - and they get lazy and stop trying to impress.

As a woman - you NEVER reward a man for treating you like that (by giving in and letting him see you and get his way). If you do, that'll be your future with him from that day forward unfortunately.; September 19, 2013 at 3:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, thanks for your reply.

You're right Mirror, I'm picking up a sense of him wanting to be in control and a refusal to do what he should be doing and having it his own way easy-peasy. I've noticed the subtle manipulation with certain things and he just tries to dress things up as though it's really not a big deal and tries to get it under my radar and get me to accept lower standards.

When I refused the 3rd date but said I would love to meet up sometime soon, he said it would be great but that was his cue to say, what about such and such a day or when are you free or for him to get back to me today, for example.

I even started to worry a little that I'd been too rigid and that he'd think that I was not interested...

I think he's being a Stubborn b'tard but the thing is I can be as stubborn as a mule myself and I think when people pick up that you are stubborn then they lay it on as well and you're right a battle of wills is taking place...

Surely here though I'm just standing my ground and fighting for what I deserve and yeah I don't want diamonds and pearls although it would be nice haha and I'm not asking the earth here, so he really shouldn't be battling with me over this.

He said that he'd never known anybody to be as blah blah blah, I really can't remember the last bit of what he said but it sounded like he was used to getting his own way and not used to anyone objecting, this was all in half-joking manner by the way. Of course I've not been objecting in my words and trying to do it in actions but when I spoke to him, I did mention that it was too late by the time he had contacted me as I'd arranged to go out with friends - fair enough I would say.

He's definitely not arrogant but definitely I think selfishness and control are issues here.

CONT...; September 19, 2013 at 5:55 PM
Anonymous said...: CONT

I was thinking before you know it really shouldn't be this hard and if if he wants to see me then it is really that simple, but oh no, like you say there seems to be this incessant need to not submit to me and by that I just mean treat me properly and I think he's got it into his head that I like my own way - he is battling with that. But the bottom line is the right thing here is to honour the budding relationship and he's not been prepared to do that in the last week.

'Yea - control. Now that he's received the "goods," he's overconfident and arrogant and cocky and thinks he's got you right where he wants you and that this is now going to go his way and you are eventually going to submit to that'.

yeah I agree Mirror but don't you think my refusal of the three dates counts for nothing? in terms of - how can he be cocky now as I'm clearly not submitting especially after I've had sex with him?. It's not like I've gone all desperate since having sex with him and yielded to his last minute invites.

He's trying to make fun of it in a light-hearted way but beneath that yeah you're spot on it's definitely a refusal to acknowledge my needs and make his PRIORITY.

I can see where this is going I know that the weekend after next he's got friends over for the weekend from his home town, which is no prob but he got it in to remind me and I thought at the time that he would make an effort to see me in advance this weekend because of the cock up last weekend and also because next weekend is taken care of so to speak. So it only leaves this weekend really for me as I don't go out much in the week, so he will probably drop a last minute invitation.

I think the sex has obviously influenced his behaviour but I also think that this behaviour may have developed anyway even if I'd not had sex with him.

It's looking like I'm not going to be able to see him again this weekend because of this and next one is out. It's a shame really as it was only just getting off the ground and was going well prior to this and potentially was a budding relationship, so it saddens me a bit.

What should I say to him Mirror when if he asks me on another last minute date for the weekend. I'm going to feel a bit paranoid that he will feel I'm not interested if I turn him down again but he is really not putting me in a good position at all and it's almost like on another level saying to me expect and settle for less because it suits me and that's wrong and it feels like an attack on my self worth.

How do I play it Mirror when I speak to him, what do I say, is it best to be all sweetness and light but turn him down?

thank you; September 19, 2013 at 5:55 PM
Sleepless in NYC said...: MOA-

What are your thoughts on this: I had been messaging with this guy on an online dating website. He gave me his number to call and I said thanks but didn't call. After a few more messages back and forth, I also gave him my number. He texted same day and we've exchanged messages. Last week thursday, he asked out for coffee on Sunday. I declined- in part because of the short notice but I also had plans sunday morning so I didn't want to be rushed. I told him I had plans and said maybe another day. He then responded saying he couldn't do saturday. I sent a message saying I wasn't available Sat either so we could just plan for next week/weekend.

Well I never heard from him since last friday after I sent that message. I actually deleted his number/messages from my phone. Last night I get a message from him (I guess asking women out on thur eve is in MO)asking if I would meet him for coffee tomorrow.

How should I handle this?; September 20, 2013 at 9:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 19, 5:55 PM,
"When I refused the 3rd date but said I would love to meet up sometime soon, he said it would be great but that was his cue to say, what about such and such a day or when are you free or for him to get back to me today, for example."

When you do that, suggest another date instead:

"Gee I'd love to. Unfortunately, I've already made plans that day. How about Sunday at 3 instead?"

"It's looking like I'm not going to be able to see him again this weekend because of this and next one is out. It's a shame really"

Don't look at it like that. Look at it as a nice breather for you to really consider if this is a man that can and is WILLING to make you happy. Also, keep in mind that missing people is a good thing. Most people are uncomfortable with that concept but as a woman, it's actually a very good thing to make a man miss you a bit.

"is it best to be all sweetness and light but turn him down?"

It's best to stand your ground, be encouraging and sweet and light - and when you refuse, immediately suggest another date and time instead - and plan it in advance.

He is testing you here and he does want you to settle. If you do that, it'll be that way from that day forward. So I suggest turning down last minute date offers but then immediately providing a date and time a few days in advance when you are available - and see if he balks at that. If he does - I'm not sure this is the man for you dear and I'm not sure he's willing to make anyone (but himself) happy if that's the case.; September 20, 2013 at 10:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sleepless in NYC,
Well, he's clearly dating and exploring other options and, as a result, he's not properly dedicating himself to any one woman which is causing him to reissue last minute date requests.

If you're going to refuse the last minute date offer, which I would, I'd respond by saying something like:

"I'd love to get together. But unfortunately, I've already made plans for tomorrow. How about Sunday afternoon instead, say 2 PM?"

See how he responds to that. . .and "observe" his response closely and it will be indicative as to how important this is to him or not ;-); September 20, 2013 at 11:37 AM
Hoopsgirl76 said...: @The Mirror of Aphrodite

Thank you for your advice, lovely Mirror! This weekend, I will be sure to check out those links for VH 1 Tough Love Co-Ed and thanks for those too - I need all the help I can get, lol.

You said: "For now, you can continue at the pace you are, but I'd respond each afternoon, not right away the next morning. You want to slow this down a bit so you don't get raced into a situation you're not ready for prematurely." And yowza, you were right! I waited until 5pm (lol) to reply that day and he sent back a super-long email that night. Today's email included his phone number. Whoa, nelly! He said "I know this is not normal and I feel a bit strange for asking, but would you like to talk or text sometime?"

I'm so confused by these men, lol. I've gotten used to the half-interested and disappearing wankers. I'm happy and flattered that he wants to actually call (a miracle in this day and age!) but I just "met" him last Sunday. Too soon? I just want to be a little more sure he's not just needy and lonely, looking for anyone - or actually does like me for me, you know?

I thought maybe asking if we can get to know each other a little better, and also that I WOULD like to talk with him after a little while longer. At such time as I'm ready, I would give MY number for HIM to call me. Does this sound right? This man will be my first time to start off using all the lessons I've been learning here since January -- and I want to do it right. The Mirror way!

Thank you

@All the ladies, hugs to you and hope you have a good weekend :-); September 21, 2013 at 1:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hoopsgirl76,
If he wants to move it offline and onto the telephone, go ahead and give him your number. Tell him you'd like to talk and give the number.

That way, you two can slip into the "get to know you" territory of the telephone line and some genuine conversation. Because right now, I doubt neither one of you really know if you like the other yet or not - that's what dating is for, spending time with a person to see if you enjoy it, if they make you happy and if you could see yourself with them.

Let him get comfortable with calling you and speaking with you and you do the same :-); September 21, 2013 at 10:06 AM
Hoopsgirl76 said...: @The Mirror of Aphrodite

Thank you so much for responding so quickly! I am going to do as you say and provide him with my number. You are right. I guess even with the long emails, we don't know enough to like each other yet. Although he did say in his last one where he gave me his number that every time I email him - he likes me more and more. But talking to him will help me see if I truly like him too. It's just that things seem to move so fast nowadays!

/deep breath, clicks "send"; September 21, 2013 at 12:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

the nice? man I have been corresponding with is back. After about 8 days. He sent a long e-mail about himself in which he apologized for not writing sooner due to a hectic week. Again he didn´t ask for my photo or number and completely ignored the green light I had given him in my last email regarding our meeting in person. This seems to be a hopeless case. What do you think, Mirror? Should I continue the correspondence and give him another chance or not?

I have an update on the player. Today he called me and I answered. I must admit he sounded different than I remembered him. Not entitled at all. Respectful and polite. I couldn´t believe my ears! As if he wanted to make a good impression. We chatted about weather-type things and then he suggested meeting "to chat or to go for a coffee or the cinema or cycling, whatever I wish". I must admit it felt good. I thanked and said I would be busy in the nearest days. He said something neutral and ended the call without saying if he would contact me again.

I haven´t a clue what I should do if he calls again. He sounded nice and it felt good to talk to him but... I still remember how I felt when he was disrespectful. On the other hand, he also had pluses: He was consistent, we met every weekend, mostly for cycling trips including lunch or dinner or coffee, sometimes cinema. I am really not sure as to what to do now. In retrospect, I understand the situation better. Since he got divorced he probably hadn´t had sex and was looking for some. As it was me who had contacted him first after some time - I know now it was a big mistake which had its consequences - he presumed I was an easy prey and behaved accordingly. Fortunately, I resisted having sex with him. Maybe after the break-up he thought it over and eventually placed me in a different category and now he wants to give it a try anew. Do you think it´s possible, Mirror?

Thank you very much for your answer and for all this blog. It has helped me so much, it´s unbelievable how differently I see the dating scene and how much more powerful I feel after reading all your stuff. A nice weekend to you and all the girls here.
HopefulWithMen; September 21, 2013 at 3:49 PM
Gemini50 said...: @Ms. Mirror and All,

My apologies this is long, but I think it is info that may be helpful.

I told you about DC staying w/me. He’s left; I’m going to share his behavior/actions towards women so YOU can see it.

On drive last wknd for night out he told me he had ended it with #1 of the 2 women he was seeing.

Me> When?

DC> This morning.

Me> What happened?

DC> She’s crazy; has daddy-issues.

Me> What does that mean?

DC> Dad is an ass and demands a lot from his kids and she tries to please him and same behavior carries over into her relationships. (Gives me examples.)

Me> So, how did you tell her?

DC> Text her this morning.

Me> You text her? That’s shitty.

DC> No, no, no. It was after we had breakfast and were texting.

Me> Wait a minute. You guys had breakfast together and then you broke up with her?

DC> Yeah, we went out to dinner and a show and then went back to her place last night.

Me> And you slept with her?

DC> Yes.

Me> And then you broke up with her this morning? That’s shitty.

DC> Hey, she’s a grown woman. It was her choice to sleep with me.

Me> But she didn’t know you were going to break up with her this morning. She didn’t have all the information she needed to make an educated decision.

DC> Hey, I’m giving up a lot you know. Free flights, a vacation home out West, blaa, blaa...

Me> You suck.

Continued 1 of ?; September 22, 2013 at 9:57 AM
Gemini50 said...: 2 of ?
Still on our way, I can’t remember his question to me about what I am looking for, but it was something about what I like in a man…

Me (Grabbing the top of his head and hitting his chest)> It’s about here (the brain) and here (his chest). And I did it twice, so whatever I was saying wasn’t registering w/him.

DC> Hey, I’m just trying to get you laid.

Me (laughing)> Are you kidding me? I can get laid any time. Off the top of my head, I can call 3 guys ready, willing and able. That’s not what I want. Life is not about “getting laid,” dear.

DC> Whatever

--

I introduced one of my GF’s to DC in December. I told her he was just out for a hook up, but she said she could handle him. They didn’t hook up, and they’ve been texting off/on since. I have stayed out of it.

GF told me in Spring that sometimes when they are texting, he’ll just stop. They’ll be in the middle of a conversation, and he “disappears.” I got the feeling that she was the one always initiating, I tried to share info with her I was learning from Ms. Mirror and everyone here with her. Eventually, she said she finally had enough of his behavior and wasn’t communicating with him anymore.

Well, she tells me last month after my daughter was home that she had txt DC a pic of the fire we had. Apparently, they had been back to communicating. I didn’t ask questions.

DC contacted me a couple weeks before he came up, and I told him he was welcome to stay at my home. I did not tell my GF he was coming up.

Days before DC is scheduled to arrive, GF tells me that DC is coming up and she’s going out with him on Monday and Thursday of the week he’s here. (Note: He did not tell her that he was staying at my house.)

I told her he was staying here, and I reminded her that he’s out just for sex. She says she knows, and he’s not getting it from her, but they have a lot in common, she enjoys his company, the playful texts are a good distraction for her, and who knows, maybe something can happen.

She has plans to go camping that weekend and she tells me that DC is “all over it,” talking about coming up early and meeting her at camp site, etc.

(I’m observing.)

So, DC told me he’d be up Monday, then it turns into Sunday. Friday he txts that he’ll be in late Saturday.

DC arrives Saturday afternoon. And after our hello’s the first thing out of his mouth:

DC> Don’t tell GF I am here early.

Me> What? Why not?

DC> She’s been texting me all day about meeting her at the camp ground for the wknd.

Me> Really?

DC> Yeah, and I don’t want to do that. I don’t know the people she’s with.

Me> They are friends of hers. Camping type friends. You’d like them. And since when do you shy away from people you don’t know?

DC> Just don’t tell her I’m here yet.

I immediately feel bad vibes and see crap that I don’t want to get involved with, but I don’t say anything.

DC> I’m meeting Writer tonight for dinner and drinks. Do you want to join us?

Me> Yes.

Continued; September 22, 2013 at 10:02 AM
Gemini50 said...: Continued 3 of ?

While I’m getting ready we talk about his plans for the week (He’s up to deal with some health issues of his parents). DC tells me his family plans and then:

DC> And #2 is coming up on Friday for the wknd.

Me (probably with a surprised look on my face because I’m thinking about what GF told me about their getting together Monday/Thursday AND thinking that I don’t want a strange woman staying in my home)> Really?

DC (gauging my reaction)> I’ve made other accommodations for the wknd for us.

Me> Thank you.

DC (now all gallant)> Hey, I wouldn’t intrude on your home like that… blaa, blaa, blaa

Me> (smiling, because now I see by his overcompensation of grandeur, yes, he WOULD, and he was looking for me to say, “Oh, it’s ok, she can stay here.” But I didn’t. I protected my boundaries, and I’m smiling with MYSELF for it.)> I appreciate that.

And DC is trying to recover, I can actually SEE him thinking about what just happened. He didn’t get what he was expecting from me. In the past, I would have said it was ok to have her stay here. I would have put his needs (to save $) before my need for respect for me and security of my home.

Although I am so happy with myself, I’m left wondering about my GF. She was so happy and looking forward to going out with him Monday/Thursday. I decide to watch.

--

Let me do a side-bar away from DC for a sec and share one more thing about being your true self ladies and how men recognize it: When DC, Writer and I were out walking, there was a group of 30-yr old kids taking a group pic on the street. Writer and DC jump in the back of the pic and I guess there is a slang word for what they were doing. Anyway, it was very funny. I was on the side laughing so hard, crouched and I blurt out, “I have to run inside because I am going to PEE MY PANTS!”

It was the truth – I was ready right there, everyone was just playing and having so much fun, complete strangers just screwing around together – I loved it!

Anyway, as I run by Writer to go inside, he is stopped dead in his tracks - just looking at me. I am laughing, and running and trying not to pee my pants, and he is frozen, just watching me run by.

I think it’s because I was real. And after that is when we had the, “Do you care what others think?” discussion.

I don’t think guys see women much just living their lives happy, not out to impress anyone, just being honest and true with life and circumstances.

So, trust your self ladies. And if you don’t yet, practice it. What happens with practice? Sometimes mistakes. That’s why it’s practice. But with practice comes knowledge and skill. It’s work, but you are worth it.

--

Back to DC.

So, Monday comes and I’m wondering if he’s out with GF, but I really don’t want to get involved with this, so I just watch.

DC arrives in PM and says he was with family all day. No mention of GF. He had breakfast with a friend of his and says he’d like my thoughts on something.

DC shares a conversation with friend where they both state they feel they have no connection to anyone. He explains that with his parent’s health issues, when they die, he doesn’t think he’ll feel anything. He doesn’t think he’ll care if his adult children were to die, it would have no impact on him.

I shared that it could be a protection technique that he’s learned, and with his history in the military, going to war, etc., maybe that is a protective measure. I assured him if something happened to his kids, he’d feel it. I told him he needs to think about how his actions impact others, to put himself in their shoes.

He said, “That’s just it. I don’t care. I mean, look at us, we are friends, but I just don’t feel connected to anyone. And I’m starting to worry that I am a sociopath.”

I didn’t know what to say.

The rest of the week, DC is off doing his thing, and I am working, etc. I don’t hear from GF either.; September 22, 2013 at 10:07 AM
Gemini50 said...: Continued -- last one.

I think of stopping over GF’s house, but decide that I’ll wait until after DC leaves and I’ll have a talk with her. But I’m feeling off-center. I don’t know why, could be the moon, my period, whatever, but by Wednesday, I’m all f’d up.

Noon Wednesday GF texts me asking if I want to go out to dinner w/her Friday night.

Now, Friday is when #2 is supposed to be coming in to meet DC. And DC had said to me, “You’ll meet her,” several times. And I think that was one of the reason’s I was off-center. I didn’t want to meet her. I didn’t want any part of legitimizing DC to her. If he has “normal friends,” he must be a good guy, right?

I wanted no part of how I now know he is going to eventually treat her.

So, I text DC Wednesday afternoon> Hey I m mtg GF Friday nite for dinner up near me – so that means she’ll be @ the house. I don’t want to put anyone in awkward spot. U r off w/#2 when?

But that text did not go to DC. I sent it to GF by mistake (!!!)

Yep. And once I realized it, I freaked! I sent her another text apologizing, and explained I was going to talk to her about DC after he left.

I also txt DC what I did.

He said> Can’t you tell her it was meant for someone else?

I told him no, and that I was concerned for her. I did not want to hurt her.

He told me I sucked (I agreed), we bantered a bit, then he got a little asshole-ish saying, “I’ll be gone before you get home Friday,” and then followed it with a jokey, “You are no longer allowed to be around technology.” I agreed on the latter.

But, to my surprise, GF text back> Too funny…

I apologized to both of them via text, and went to bed early that night.

So, Friday night, I’m out with GF and she starts talking about a place she went to.

Me>When did you go?

GF>(with a big grin on her face)> Last night.

Me (confused)> With who?

GF> DC!

Me (shocked)> What?

And then she tells me she slept with him. She confirms that she understood my Wednesday fo-paw text that he was going to meet a woman the next night. She said she even brought up his “Friday date,” with DC.

DC’s response to GF> Well, it’s not really a date.

I told her everything. I told her I didn’t tell her sooner because after seeing they didn’t go out Monday, #2 coming up Friday, and him not meeting her at campsite Saturday, I figured that everything was off between them.

At first she said it had been a long time since she’d been with a man, and she was glad she did it. Once she understood #2 was flying up to be with him, etc., she said he played her so well and she felt like an idiot.

She was flip-flopping from being glad she did it because it had been so long, to feeling used.

I tried to lessen the angst by listening. I showed her all of my and DC’s texts on that Wednesday; and tried to advise her on how to respond when/if he contacts her again.

I also advised her to get to the dr to get herself checked out after she told me that HE ASSURED HER THAT HE WASN’T INVOLVED WITH ANYONE ELSE and THEY DID NOT USE A CONDOM!

Ladies, think about this: DC slept with 3 women (that he told me about) in 1 week (I'm assuming he slept w/#2 Friday nite).

I wanted to share this with you because ladies, this is clear as the light of day: if you don’t protect yourself, you are going to be the recipient of what men like this dish out period). :-(

It's up to you to protect yourself. And you can do it by loving yourself first, observing, testing, trusting your gut speak, and walking away with a smile on your face and your head held high, and saying, "Next!"

Yep, that "Next," is because I still believe! :-)

Hugs!!; September 22, 2013 at 10:22 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50 and the Ladies,
THIS is the real life example of a sociopath ladies - and even he, himself, senses something is VERY wrong with him. And to anyone on the outside looking in, it's easy to see that he's using sex and the antidote for whatever ails him here and he doesn't have the slightest bit of concern how HIS behavior affects others.

There are millions of men out there like this ladies - approximately 12 million sociopaths just in America alone - all spreading their "disease" without conscience.

This man's life is a train wreck and not only that, and this is harsh I know, but the reality is that - honestly, his life is worthless at this point. I mean, think about that. What in the world that's positive does this man's existence on this earth provide? All he does is spread pain and grief. There is nothing positive going on in his life at all. This man doesn't even care for his ailing parents and figures he'd care less if his own children passed - what's that tell you about his character and inner being?

And this is the reason I tell the ladies here, when you encounter a man like this, it's NOT YOU. It's clearly them. And YOU are not the ONLY one they're treating like this, so you can't take it personally when you encounter a man like this. The only thing to do when coming into contact with one of these guys - IS RUN for your life, far, far, far away from them. Forget about what they think (they do very little of it anyway) and forget about them and their feelings (they have none anyway).

Run and fly into protection mode and shut them off 100% completely without any explanation whatsoever - and remove them from you life and never look back.

And this is also the reason that extending men belief of their excuses and granting them the benefit of doubt - is NOT the way to be. Because you cannot truly know an individual in a few dates or a few sexual encounters. As a result, they get NOTHING from you, until they GIVE to you - and show you that they're actually capable of giving to others and caring for others properly FIRST.

THIS is why it's necessary for women to expect a man to PROVE himself to her BEFORE she gives anything to him, especially a piece of herself. Because men like this, to me, are "soul collectors." Meaning, they move through life stealing the souls of others, collecting them like trophies, without remorse. And I read a book some time ago that talked about individuals like this - referring to them as "sulfur souls" whose main purpose on this earth was to seek and destroy.

Some people exhibit the light and some people exhibit the dark. This mans life is a giant dark cavern, filled with the life breath of others because he, himself, lacks his own.

And if he was witnessed sleeping with 3 different women, unprotected, in just 7 short days - imagine what this man is REALLY up to when left to his own devices?

Don't EVER let that be YOU, ladies - EVER.; September 22, 2013 at 10:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: More about sulfur souls ladies:

"a system based on "Soul Signs" or energy groups: Fire, Earth, Air, Water and Sulphur."

"The fifth group, Sulphur, is a total departure from astrological ideas, as Sulphur souls are driven by evil. . .All members of the Sulphur sign are considered Dark Souls."

The book, "Soul Signs: An Elemental Guide to Your Spiritual Destiny:"

http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Signs-Elemental-Spiritual-Destiny/dp/159486229X; September 22, 2013 at 10:50 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror thank you for your reply.@Anonymous Sep 19, 5:55 PM,

I'm totally confused now as to what's going on and I wondered if you could give me your opinion on it?

So to recap, I turned down three dates as last minute, on the last I was getting annoyed and I'm not sure if that came over in the text.
He asked me if I had any plans for that night.

and I said my friends were meeting up but that I was tired

and he said don't worry about it

But then immediately said fancy doing something tonight

I said I was really tired and that my pals were going out and if I wanted to go out I'd be going there but I would love to meet up sometime soon.

On reflection I'm not sure if the first bit of my last text sounded a bit arsey?? I was feeling annoyed at the time, if so the latter bit would sound encouraging. He responded that would be nice babe and I just responded with a smiley face.

And at this point I posted to you last time, you kindly suggested that next time he asks suggest another date.

"Gee I'd love to. Unfortunately, I've already made plans that day. How about Sunday at 3 instead?"

Now that sounds great but what's happened is he didn't get in touch which I'm very surprised at. So I didn't get the opportunity to try this and now I'm kicking myself a bit for not saying something like this originally, as I'm getting a sense that he maybe feeling a bit hurt/rejected or maybe think I'm not interested. As I've just turned him down on three occasions now and I'm letting him do all the work and maybe he thinks he's flogging a dead horse.

I know you think that:
'he's testing you here and he does want you to settle. If you do that, it'll be that way from that day forward. So I suggest turning down last minute date offers but then immediately providing a date...

and I agree he probably is but a big part of me is starting to worry now that as I've not been able to implement the suggesting of another date, as he's not contacted me over the weekend which is a first, suggests to me that something is wrong and I'm concerned that I may been over-zealous in my attempts to stand my ground and adopt this new behaviour and got it wrong a bit and the communication has got a bit mixed up. It's totally new behaviour for me this and it's feeling like I may have got in wrong in the sense that I've given him the message that I don't want to see him, which is not the case.; September 22, 2013 at 6:40 PM
Anonymous said...: CONT...

It could still be that he is testing me, I don't know now but this is the longest it's been that he's not contacted me for 4 days and I have normally heard or seen him over the weekend but not since I declined his last offer and I'm not sure that was one-time too many for him and he may have thought that I just don't want to know.

I know this sounds like I'm really doubting myself. I did say on the last part of the text as mentioned earlier, that I'd love to meet up sometime soon and he say that would be nice babe. Is that enough for him to know that I am interested? or could he be confused as I've kept turning him down?

so maybe he's doubting that I'm interested and thinking that if she's interested then she can suggest something now rather than him getting turned down all the time and he's left it for the weekend to see what I do.

but that would be me intiating wouldn't it. The thing is when the texts happened, before I got your advice, it did cross my mind to suggest another time but because I'm in the process of learning these new behaviours I thought that might initiating and that's why I did the smiley face and was waiting for his next move. Since getting your advice I missed the boat on suggesting another day. Is it too late now from that text epipsode we which was 4days ago for me to suggest another day or would I be initiating if I do it now??

There's always the chance that he is testing me as well and I would hate to play into his hands if that is the case. I feel like there is no way of knowing for sure.

I'm so confused Mirror I'm worried there is crossed wires in interpreting each others behaviour, I don't know and I'm worried that I've misrepresented myself and what I want and given him the wrong message - to leave me alone and that this could dissapate into nothing as he's thinking that I don't want to see him which would be totally wrong.

I feel like I've balls it up the new behaviour I'm trying to adopt and it's come out wrong. What do you think Mirror? Please could you advise

Thank you; September 22, 2013 at 6:49 PM
Hoopsgirl76 said...: @Gemini50

Holy SHIT. Just, holy shit. Possibly 3 women in ONE WEEK?! Makes me sick to my stomach. I really do hope your GF gets checked out at the dr soon, for her sake. And you handled DC so well. At least there's one lady in his life he can't just push around!
I've been so naive because I didn't think guys did this kind of stuff at that rate. And these guys are in their fifties acting this way? Holy crap. I'm 37, and thought maybe I would look more at older guys - after having always been interested in my age and younger, thinking an older man would be more mature and play fewer games. Well, WAKE UP HOOPSGIRL and smell the coffee. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with us - I think with information we are powerful. I am so with you on the "next!" and I'm so glad to hear you still believe :) It helps me not to lose the faith.

@The Mirror of Aphrodite

Wow, what you are saying about "soul collectors," I think you are really on to something there. It's astonishing that some people actually go through life doing this and get their jollies out of it. Just means we really have to protect ourselves, ladies.

Well, I emailed the (seemingly) nice guy my phone number yesterday, saying it would be nice to talk with him, and I heard from him via text about two hours later, thanking me for giving him my # and saying that he'd been up for 36 hours working (he's an auto mechanic) and was still there working on a truck. We exchanged one more text right then and his last one was "The weather is beautiful here too" which I didn't respond back to. I haven't heard from him since. I'll keep updating as things happen.

I'm so glad to have this place. Keep your heads up and eyes peeled, ladies. :-); September 22, 2013 at 7:47 PM
KK said...: Hey everyone, been a while! I thought I would return with an update on Pisces (no other fish are really biting at the moment).
I've observed a lot about the other men I was dealing with before, Tony and Taurus - Tony being terribly insecure (even more so than Pisces) He doesn't text anymore and if I do see him (rare) he still doesn't speak to me and he's just not all 'together', and with Taurus... all talk, no action, maybe even a 'con'. He is still on the dating site and still active as of recently, but still no messages and no phone call (been over a month). Another man resurfaced at the beginning of the month (but I really couldn't remember how I knew him - I totally forgot about him). I would say I first met him maybe a year ago. Really odd. He first made a phone call to me that I answered, I asked "who is this?", he gave his name but I was confused, you could tell by his tone of voice that he was a bit embarrassed and felt out of place right off the bat. I was on my way out the door, couldn't talk, so I told him to text me. We spoke very briefly and he seemed bothered that I was busy (out with friends). I told him I'd text later - and never did - oops! lol. I forgot. I did a few days later though, it's always brief, never really interesting. When he texts, it's always just "Hey" - so annoying!. That just happened the other night, and when I responded back (when I felt like it), I said "Hey to you too, how's it going?", he replied a day later with "Hi", and no answer to my question - wtf?
Communication w/Pisces was somewhat reinstated mid-August, and I find whenever we do talk now, we do it about once a week (and then he pulls away and takes some space - I know that's normal and I've adjusted to it somewhat). There are only a 'few' exceptions. I can also sense some awkwardness and maybe some things that are 'unspoken'. I just feel like he's holding back something. I took him off my Facebook at the end of August, just didn't really need him there. I don't feel like it was a message to him of: "Here you go, you win". There's just no point to me in having someone as a friend on there, but not a 'friend' in real life. And since doing that, he has not brought it up or said a word about it.
We texted at the beginning of the month, and it started with me being snarky and asking him "What's up, f buddy?" (maybe not the best choice of words, but I felt like 'going there'). He laughed at it - I was playing, I was giving back to him what he gave me a few weeks earlier. We both talked about what we were up to, he was asking me first though. Then some discussion about the 'f buddy' remark and where it came from - and some underlying issues with it. Why say that if it's not true? Or if it's not happening anymore anyway? (why is it not happening?) It was apparent that's all he may have wanted, and suddenly he doesn't? - I was asking myself questions like "Is he not attracted to me at all?", it kind of ate at me for a couple of days. He basically boiled it down to: "Going through a dry spell". It came up again (2nd and last time) two days later, still curious about that aspect and sort of planting seeds and testing him I think. He had another quick answer: "I'll see how I feel, I'm starting to get sick, blah blah blah". Avoiding and making excuses. Then he changed the subject, something was on TV that I got him into first and now he was reminding me about it. We were both watching it now but the conversation dropped and neither of us said goodnight.
The next day, Thursday, he texts after work. I'm returning home from an appointment and walking home and enjoying the 'end of summer' weather, I'm in a good mood. I glance at my phone quickly and see a text from him.
(Continued); September 23, 2013 at 11:07 AM
KK said...: "Oh ya and you were/are right about (single mom), the crazy came out big time in her" - now I'm in an even better mood! I chuckled a bit to myself and kept walking, he sent another msg: "What did you know about her?". When I could, I texted: "Told ya".
Pisces - "So ya, I’m done with that headcase lol". I'm still walking but I read that quickly and reply "That's nice" - Double meaning there, I could care less and also sarcasm based on what he called her. Even if it's true, that's not very nice. He texts again, he asks me about the upcoming weekend and whether I'm free or alone. I answer yes - but not in a too eager way. He only asks and is curious but doesn't continue on or try to plan something. It's almost as if he knew I was trustworthy and had his back, but only recognized it later, not when I first told him. He too had to learn the hard way. And maybe that sparked some attraction, and he wanted to see me but was stalling, second guessing, kicking himself and making excuses. His schedule is a bit 'on call' or last minute too, the boss tells him at the end of his shifts Friday nights if he's needed for the weekend, so planning things has always been a bit hard. I wasn't told if he had to work or not, I didn't hear anything from him all weekend. I had time to think, I felt like the excuses were him being 'scared' - scared of something else coming up - 'drama'. Maybe scared of 'getting close' to me again. Then on the flip of that I thought he was rejecting me 'nicely'.

Nothing til the next weekend and at the same time my family and I are dealing with my grandmother who lives 8 hours away and we believe she may have Dementia and it’s a very progressive disease, so it's already difficult to deal with, we're all learning about it and researching, it can be exhausting and frustrating, patience can wear thin at times, etc. It's also sad because she can't do simple, everyday things anymore. Can't operate the telephone, remote for her TV, her microwave, etc. We all want her here close to us, and that too is a slow process and just lots of details to work out.
I went out of town that weekend to get away from it all and relax a bit, I'm visiting my sister (love and hate relationship) and she irritates me one evening, I'm already worried about different things, I'm a little angry and I'm just feeding off emotions now (not a good place to be). It had been more than a week since I heard from Pisces, so I fired off a text: "So what's your deal?". He responds very quickly (as always) and tells me what he's up to, he's at his parents that wknd and picking up firewood for this place. I didn't ask him "What's up?". We were on two different pages. I meant, what's his deal, like what's his problem lately? with me. He says he doesn't have a problem with me. I laughed and said "hmm ya ok lol - seems like you do. There's a problem somewhere". - These messages were drawn out through the evening until about 11:30pm, then I shut my phone off and went to bed.
He texts the following night - "Why do you think I have a problem with you KK? I have been working, doing stuff for winter, getting ready (?). And you get pissed if I don't talk or stop by, like really you don't text me much anyway so don't get pissy with me.
(Continued); September 23, 2013 at 11:15 AM
KK said...: And here we go!
Me - "I'm not that pissed, just trying to figure something out. And I haven't bitched in months. You're trying to play the blame game now? Don't even go there."
Me - "You're not one to talk much either, it only takes two min's though to send a msg. You just like to avoid anything you can"
He says no to the blame game, asked what I'm trying to figure out and asks what he avoids. I don't answer those questions, just tell him "It's all right there. It seems like you make a lot of excuses for ignoring someone/avoiding them. So what's your problem? lose my number then, it shouldn't still be in your phone".
Pisces - "You could text, why is it up to me if it takes 2 min's?" (oh no he didn't!)
Pisces- "If you wanted to 'shoot the shit', you could have."
He talks about the weekend before and that he got called into work, he talks about how busy he is, etc.
Me - "I think that's half true, but whatever. So that's how you operate? you don't let anybody know that something came up?" - He says he didn't think it was a big deal and says sorry - It wasn't a huge deal, no plans were in place, but he still could have said something. I told him I had fun without him. Then I go into another reply about who should do what and why (I know, I shouldn't have to, but I do)
Me - ""um, it's up to you mostly because you're supposed to be a man right? not a lil bitch lol. I don't know if you wanna talk or see me, so ya it's up to you. Thats how I'll know, and you did it before just fine"
He laughs and says "I'm not a little bitch, but you're being one" - LOL, I'm not insulted by that at all, when I would be before. I laughed right back at him and just said "hmm k. But I already do text and try to talk, don't I?" And then I made a comment about not even being friends.
He opens up a bit about work and about his friend - the one who used to date mine. Now they just use eachother. Told me that on Friday night (current weekend), his buddy asked him to go out, and when he got to town, he was blown off for (my 'former' friend) and a certain 'substance'.
Pisces - "Haven't talked to him at all now, he can fuck right off" "He's always crying about her and what she did to him, then she calls for dope or money and he runs back, then cries again, I'm sick of it."
Me - "yeah they're a match made in heaven, and its not your problem or my problem. Let them be. He's obviously not a real friend to you either." - Karma, that's exactly how Pisces has treated me in the past. As a convenience, or has totally blown me off.
I told a friend about this and she said "I think he's having a hard time admitting he needs you in his life, he's just scared of getting hurt, he can't stand to lose you" - I don't know. But after I told him to lose my number, I did add "you're wasting my time and taking up space that could be saved for someone else". That may have scared him, he didn't say anything to it or defend it, but then his texting amped up and it didn't stop.
After all of that and the conversation winded down, he said to me "Shoot me a text tomorrow, goodnight"

Continued...; September 23, 2013 at 11:23 AM
KK said...: I didn't say anything else until Monday aft. At 4:30 - he's working, but he checks his phone, he used to txt me all day from work, and call me in the middle of the day. He acted like he couldn't talk that day, and maybe he really couldn't. But I didn't expect him to 'talk' - here's the msgs, read them later.. reply to them later. I'm understanding. I'm the same way, if i'm busy, i'm busy.
Me - "See there you go again, putting it all on me, thats not fair. I'm not gonna fall for that", "you said you were burnt and tired and didn't wanna talk or do anything - why would I text you then?"
And then - "plus, next thing you know, you're gonna be calling me 'crazy', right? So ya no thx. Go run that shit on some other dumb broad"
And I told him too, "thats why I barely talk to you." - And it's true, i'm afraid too if I do that too much, it'll be used against me and he'll be like 'oh shit, here we go, she's crazy, needy, etc' - He doesn't want that, neither do I.

So he writes back right away and says "still working, text you later". He did.
As soon as he got home pretty much, he writes "hey, just got home from work, been busy all day, sorry I haven't had time to talk" - that is the guy I miss, his attitude shift. He followed through on what he said he would do.
Again says, he's so tired and burnt out, etc..worked some really long days, he has a lot going on.
I heard that same line back 6 months ago - what does he have going on? FEELINGS??!! - it came back to me, like a flashback, so I reminded myself - ok, cool, don't push harder, if thats what it is, I need to calm down and not get worked up, like last time, that made things worse.

He asked what I did that day or how my day was, and since being all worried and stressed out, I didn't want to put any of that on him. Just told him it was long and shitty and I was happy to be relaxing. He goes "that sucks", and yeah he has no idea, so I tell him that too.
He comes back with "No, I dont, cuz you don't say anything" - How am I supposed to feel comfortable opening up about these things to him? Especially something so personal.
So I said "You don't really ask tho lol, and its not really cool to lay it all on you anyway, like a therapist. Just have a lot going on, like you say you do. You never get into it, so neither do I". The only thing he said after that was "I see" - Does he really? Is he getting it?
It was painfully quiet for an hour, he wasn't saying anything, I wasn't saying anything. So I decided to say goodnight and said "talk to you later".
We are at a week since that again... It's still hard.. don't know which direction to go sometimes, or what to do. I feel 'in between' of something here. Don't want to overdo it, also don't want to seem ignorant, put so much space between us that it's so uncomfortable when we do talk.
Sometimes, I feel like we're starting over in some ways, without having a conversation about it, subconsciously. And other times, I just don't know what's really happening. I could assume he's scared and resisting and maybe doesn't feel comfortable himself, I'm too cold or something. Feeling neglected? (because I don't talk to him much), missing that 'connection', the comfort of speaking to me and/or being with me, with no pressure or questions?
And the irony of hearing some of the same things I heard before March-April and before things went downhill. Like he's in 'decision mode' or something? And 'getting ready'? - Too weird.; September 23, 2013 at 12:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
Honey, I really hate to burst your bubble here, but initiating contact with a man that's disappeared, treated you improperly and isn't making any attempts to make that right with you - is self-defeating and it is causing you to jump to erroneous assumptions and it's creating confusion for you. Not to mention, it's giving him a negative impression about you, it's making it look like you can't get over it and it's too much sharing of emotion :-(

"What's up, f buddy?"

That signals to him that he's gotten to you and you're still upset :-(

"I felt like the excuses were him being 'scared'"

Don't jump to conclusions about his ACTIONS (or lack thereof). Men are generally not "scared" when it comes to seeking out something they want - IF they want it, they tend to go for it.

"I fired off a text: "So what's your deal?"

Again, you're signaling to him that he's "got you" and that you cannot let go of this :-(

"what's his deal, like what's his problem lately?"

He's avoiding having to explain himself to you for fear that his explanation will hurt you :-(

"I told a friend about this and she said "I think he's having a hard time admitting he needs you in his life, he's just scared of getting hurt, he can't stand to lose you"

Again, not to burst your bubble dear - but where did she get that from? A man's ACTIONS signal his intentions. And actions that signal interest are: the man phones you, the man maintains regular contact with you, he makes time for you, he expresses feelings for you and a desire to see you. When there is an absence of all of the above ACTIONS, you cannot jump to the erroneous conclusion that it's because he's "scared" or experiencing "feelings."

"i'm afraid too if I do that too much, it'll be used against me and he'll be like 'oh shit, here we go, she's crazy, needy, etc'"

Honey, what kind of impression do you think all of this communication that includes you lashing out at him for things that happened months ago suddenly and out of the blue is creating? :-(

"I heard that same line back 6 months ago - what does he have going on? FEELINGS??!!"

If you heard that excuse six months ago and six months later, he's still dishing the same excuse - it's not feelings dear (I'm sorry). It's lack of interest :-(

"don't know which direction to go sometimes, or what to do."

The only direction you need to go is forward, and YOU don't need to DO anything here. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not is to see if HE pursues HER (initiates contact, keeps regular contact, expresses feelings and a desire to see her, asks her on dates, etc.)

"I could assume he's scared and resisting and maybe doesn't feel comfortable himself, I'm too cold or something. Feeling neglected? (because I don't talk to him much), missing that 'connection', the comfort of speaking to me and/or being with me, with no pressure or questions?"

One could also safely assume that his lack of ACTION signals his lack of interest dear :-(

"And the irony of hearing some of the same things I heard before March-April and before things went downhill. Like he's in 'decision mode' or something? And 'getting ready'?"

He's not in decision mode dear. I think he's made his decision and the thing that keeps this going - is YOU, by initiating contact with him early in the month and kicking all of this back up again. If it weren't for that, would he be contacting you? Think about that dear, because YOUR actions here are creating this situation, not his :-(

And if you're getting the same excuses for not seeing/speaking to you now as you were 6 months ago, that's not a good sign dear :-(; September 23, 2013 at 12:43 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Hello Mirror, thank you for the reply last week. If I'm doing well, it's only because of your great articles and all the wonderful responses you give here! I'm learning so much from you. Also, that was a wonderful analogy of casual dating and the multiple pots on the stove. It can be difficult to keep things in perspective when casually dating because it's easy to allow those expectations to creep in when we start feeling strongly about someone. Great reminder!; September 23, 2013 at 6:14 PM
chk61 said...: Did some research on sociopaths (based on Mirror's past above) as I've been scratching my head regarding how so many men out there can act so callously and lack empathy towards the opposite sex. Is it genetic, in their male DNA, nature versus nurture, just the general coarsening of our culture and the decrease in civility? My D.M. (disappearing man) certainly displayed caddish traits, whether or not he fits the sociopath definition is not clear...I think he belongs more on the "insecure" spectrum but he veered dangerously close to sociopathic behavior. He is raising two children, one a girl who will soon be a teenager. He must know what she would be facing and would this not raise his awareness of his own behavior? This guy has two degrees from Ivy league schools (yes, I realize this doesn't mean anything).

I was reading another online site by "dating expert" Evan Marc Katz, who maintains that men are selfish and do what they want to do. He's a man so it sounds like he knows what he is talking about. Certainly not ALL men are selfish, caddish jerks but there are plenty of bad boys out there and it seems that many women are attracted to this type because they are often good looking, charming, intelligent, etc.

I have a "date" with a new online dating prospect tonight. He sounds OK on paper, definitely more expressive and evolved than the last D.M., yet I have zero expectations. We are meeting for one drink, e.g. one hour, the agreed upon time frame. :-); September 24, 2013 at 10:01 AM
Sleepless In NYC said...: Mirror-

Thanks for the advice. I implemented it (i.e. letting him know I'd love to grab coffee and proposing a new date and time) and he was up for it so we met on Sunday. It went very well- great convo and he ain't bad on the eyes either so it was a win win. We will see how things go. He texted me a couple of hours later saying he had a great time.

BUT UPDATE on the guy who brought me on here originally. Over the last year, I have sought your advice about all his shenanigans (disppeared for a month- although I found out he had a death in the fam, reappeared and only texted and wouldn't ask me out, inattentive, etc etc the lists go on). Your last advice was related to his inattentiveness. I used NC in an attempt to move on and he asked to talk. He admitted everything and said he didn't want us to stop seeing each other but then he never made any changes. I didn't see him for almost two months after that although he kept texting (same old same old). Then we finally saw each other because he had something that belonged me and I was getting very frustrated that he wasnt making any attempt to give it back (I have given him several options- mail it (he said that was mean of me to say HA), meet somewhere and I hand it over, etc). Well anyways he finally showed up at my doorstep and returned it and asked if he could come in. I let him in and we just talked about general stuff. When he was about to leave I let him know I didnt think this was going anywhere so we should let each other be. He said he didnt want that blah blah he would show me he liked me, etc. Well he did make an attempt and bacame more "tuned in" and we saw each other soon thereafter but it lasted two weeks or so and he was back to texting and never asking me out.

I had enough so over the last two months,, I've been selective with my responses to his text. I just don't want to exert much energy on him anymore. It is liberating. If he texts something that interests me, I respond. He has been initiating all the texts. Well yesterday he sent another text after his last one (five days ago) went unanswered. I responded several hours later with a two word response. Then he sent something back within seconds. I didn't respond to that. I didn't check my phone after that and I woke up this morning to about 5 texts messages from him, asking me about work, etc. The last text was a dinner invitation...

This is a man who barely wanted to go out...very lazy wanted to stay indoors when we would meet. Actually, we have NEVER been on a proper dinner date. When we did go out, we would always have drinks and finger foods...I did mention the no dinner thing and he always had an excuse. The BS excuse.....what should I make of this recent dinner text? I see it as attempt to reel me back in because he senses my withdrawal....why now? I really don't want to return to the mediocre treatment but I also liked him so now I am wondering if he is trying to change.........or should I just decline and let him know I have moved on and he should do the same?; September 24, 2013 at 10:23 AM
Mltn said...: I think I'm late to the dating game, having married someone I met in high school. But it seems to me that what it all boils down to is not allowing yourself to become attached to bad men. The key here is screening men carefully and keeping up a defensive wall protecting your emotions for as long as necessary.

Every advice column and magazine we've been exposed to since we were teens suggests that we can "get a man," keep him, and live happily ever after if only WE act right, if we learn the tricks to keep him happy. And while there's something to be said for being "not crazy" and not too emotional, I think this all misses the point entirely. Women's problem isn't that they aren't behaving correctly, it's that they aren't being choosy and suspicious.

Assume every man is a sociopathic a-hole until proven otherwise. I know that kind of sounds tragic, but honestly, I've been absolutely stunned and shaken to my core by my experiences with a man who was my best friend for 7 years and who I would have sworn I knew better than anyone on earth. I'm disgusted by Gem50's friend. There are tons of bad men out there. And even men who maybe are good deep down but just immature, insecure, whatever. In practical effect, it doesn't matter why they hurt you, whether from insecurity or malice, the end result is the same.

Every female animal knows this - the males have to prove themselves to the females. We need to be the same. Don't take it personally when he treats you like crap - it really is him, not you. Just move the f on.

In that vein, here's a depressing little post-script for you. My coworker, who slept with me a couple of weeks ago after turning on the charm, afterwards escalated the calling and texting and hanging out in my office (giving me back rubs, telling me how funny and smart I am, engaging me in long conversations about my interests). Yeah, he told me yesterday about a trip he's planning with his new girlfriend. Yes, he's a disgusting pig a-hole, but I'm also a moron for not just walking away from him months ago. Abandon some of your hope in the males of this world, there are TONS of them just like this wandering around out there.; September 24, 2013 at 11:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
I think the differentiating factor between simple selfishness in men versus sociopathic personality disorder - is the lack of empathy/sympathy from a sociopath.

Selfish men, when confronted with their ignorant behavior, generally will - at some point - experience a sense of remorse, embarrassment or regret over their actions. It may take a while, but once they realize how they've treated others, many times, as humans, they will EVENTUALLY experience at the very least, some of these feelings.

However, what defines clinical sociopaths is - their complete and utter lack of empathy towards others, under any and all circumstances. Even when confronted with their actions, they show no signs of remorse, regret or embarrassment - and that is what makes them a clinical sociopath.; September 24, 2013 at 12:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sleepless In NYC,
If this is what you've been waiting for, then you accept the dinner invitation and you go along. If he's treating you well and things are going nice, then you thank him for the dinner and you show him that you're appreciative of that type of treatment by "rewarding" him for it with compliments, thank yous, etc.

Reward proper treatment as the rewards encourage more of it and signal to the man how you expect to be treated. Making HIM feel GOOD - about making YOU feel GOOD - will make him want to make you feel good even more - because the good feelings he's receiving from you appeal to his ego :-); September 24, 2013 at 12:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn,
"Women's problem isn't that they aren't behaving correctly, it's that they aren't being choosy and suspicious. . .Assume every man is a sociopathic a-hole until proven otherwise. . .Every female animal knows this - the males have to prove themselves to the females."

Exactly.

While being crazy emotional doesn't help matters, the bottom line is that if YOU help YOURSELF by being suspicious and choosy - you don't find yourself in a position where a man has caused you to act crazy emotional - because those types of men aren't even making it past your filtering process.

If a man starts pushing your emotional buttons and/or makes you feel BAD about yourself when with him instead of lifting you up and making you feel GOOD about yourself - then get the hell away from him. Simple as that, cut him out of your life and you don't find your emotional buttons even being pushed to the point of emotional crazy displays.

Gauge your decisions about men - on how THEY make YOU feel. If a man makes you feel bad about yourself, cut him out of your life. If a man evokes positive feelings in you, keep him around.

Cut the negativity out of your lives ladies - and you'll never be pushed to the point of emotional craziness again. Get what I'm saying?

Because it's true, just because men can mate - doesn't mean they all DESERVE to or have the right to. The laws of Mother Nature dictate that, in the animal kingdom (which includes us, human beings) - only the males that PROVE themselves WORTHY - are granted mating rights and access to females.

You don't see female does giving it up to the rogue buck that lost the fight with the big guy. He doesn't earn the right to mate because, as a male, he hasn't earned that right yet. Instead, he's forced out of the group to fend for himself, get it right, and come back and try again next year - with a better game plan, increased strength and awareness, to bring down his foe.

If that rogue buck doesn't do that, he's forced out of the running to mate - and instead, has to stand on the sidelines watching the strongest, most able bodied, wisest male buck mate with the nearby females. . .and not one single deer, male or female, feels "sorry" for this young rogue buck, nor do they make excuses and grant him free access to mate and pollute their gene pool with his "lesser" genes.; September 24, 2013 at 12:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,
About less than a year ago this guy who I had only dated briefly basically due to life circumstances (mostly mine) faded out. Fast forward with hectic life 6 months and I - yes me because I was just curious - dropped a friendly e-mail very short saying how's thing. Very quickly and promptly he responded and was asking loads of questions and carrying on the convo - which i ended on a good note and he sent a nice one too. He mentioned to meet up and I said ok, but he didn't say when or whatever. This was only less than 48 hours ago. I'm just wondering - even though I liked him - whether the fact that he let it go and fade and didn't chase is a sure sign he's not interested. I mean, say we do meet again and i like him again is there any point to that all?! I'm a much better place and ready to be in a relationship which I wasn't before (and i sensed he was back then but i just wasn't). Thanks for your thoughts!; September 24, 2013 at 4:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror---> *You don't see female does giving it up to the rogue buck that lost the fight with the big guy.
He doesn't earn the right to mate because, as a male, he hasn't earned that right yet*

LOL I hear ya, but they all look alike, a bear's a bear, a buck's a buck. But with "MEN", they get women because of looks, money, sweet talking, doing nice things, all things animals CAN'T do. What else does a female 'animal' have, but to watch them fight? If all men looked alike, had no $, I'd run too and let them chase me, and watch them fight over me. LOL Probably the only reason she has sex with him is because he's tough, she's afraid of him. Isn't that rape. LOL JK You know an animal can't lie to you, they cheat on each other, no commitment there. Neither parent stays long with the babies. No worry about child support, etc... NOTHING! So it seems no problem to be an animal.; September 24, 2013 at 5:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 24, 5:08PM,
"What else does a female 'animal' have, but to watch them fight?"

I'm not suggesting that men should fight over women. I'm suggesting that men should PROVE themselves GENUINE before a woman gives in to them. That mating scenario I shared - it's a mating ritual. And humans have their own mating rituals as well. Unfortunately, many women are no longer holding them to it though, as it's now gone out of fashion and everyone's in a rush.

The human mating ritual involves courtship:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

And if women hold men to courtship rituals, through them, the man has the ability to prove himself genuinely interested. As in nature, women should ALWAYS place barriers between themselves and men. And as men, they should be prepared for the challenge to prove themselves.

If you hold men to courtship rituals, both individuals receive benefits from it - and women do NOT find themselves mating with a man that hasn't proved himself first.

"an animal can't lie to you"

Nope. And neither can a man's ACTIONS when you force him to prove himself genuine through courtship rituals. Which is why you ignore his words and focus on his actions as they will always signal his intentions.

"So it seems no problem to be an animal."

Correct - when mating rituals are in place, yea, it's no problem. The problem comes when women do not provide challenges for men to overcome, to prove themselves genuinely interested through mating rituals. When a woman foregoes the courtship ritual, she basically has nothing to observe and, as a result, can end up mating with a "lesser" male. One that is emotionally immature, one that isn't ready to be/do what it takes to TRULY be called a "man," one that causes grief and pain - one that hasn't earned the right to mate in the eyes of the animal kingdom.

Without traditional courtship rituals in place, modern women can end up mating with "lesser" men - players, punks, sociopaths, narcissists and emotionally immature "adult adolescents". . .men that aren't even emotionally ready for the privilege of mating.; September 25, 2013 at 8:15 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 24, 4:29 PM,
"whether the fact that he let it go and fade and didn't chase is a sure sign he's not interested"

Well, it's not a good one dear :-(

If a woman chases and pursues a man, he WILL sleep with her (because she offered herself up). But that doesn't mean he's genuinely interested in her. It means he simply took advantage of the opportunity she placed before him.

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if HE pursues HER, through repeated efforts and consistent actions.; September 25, 2013 at 8:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 25, 8:07 AM,
"how can I express to him that he can no longer stay over my place"

You don't explain yourself to him, there are no commitments in place here so you don't have to answer to him. You simply say no and/or make up excuses if necessary.

"how can I get him to take me out on a date?"

There's no guarantee he will do that now. But you can refuse lame date offers like hanging out at home, by making up an excuse that you're busy. Then you suggest another day about 3 days later and you say:

"Gee I'd love to get together. Unfortunately, I can't tonight. But I'm free on Saturday at 5 if you'd like to meet for dinner."

"He has told me that I am "demanding" and "controlling"

That's manipulation dear, don't fall for it. He's trying to "guilt" you into letting him into your bed by making you feel bad about yourself. And if a man makes you question yourself, causes you self-doubt and makes you feel bad about yourself. . .he doesn't deserve an ounce of your time.

A good man that genuinely cares for you will WANT to make you happy. A selfish man that manipulates women into sleeping with him without him lifting a finger to earn that will never make you happy and doesn't deserve your attention.

Women should only give their attention to men that are WILLING to PROVE themselves, and willing to show that they have what it takes to make a woman happy. Women should only spend time with men that make them feel GOOD about themselves. If a man makes you feel BAD about yourself, you shouldn't be spending any time with him as it won't get better, it'll only get worse.; September 25, 2013 at 8:35 AM
Anonymous said...: OMG, now I see why I still don't have a boyfriend. I kinda made most of the mistakes above, especially the sharing thing, because I thought as a couple we should share every little thought. Now, I have met this guy who started very strong with me, but now he is hiding and he calls me whenever he feels horny. I really like him, but I feel that because I did most of these mistakes and that scared him away. What can I do to make him come back?; September 25, 2013 at 5:52 PM
Unknown said...: I have been reading through the comments & I genuinely feel for you girls but you need to kick them to the curb if their only input into your life is negativity.

The old fashioned way of playing hard to get works guys. Nature works in a flux. Ye who retreats gets pursued & ye who is pursued, retreats. This is an undoubted fact. When a man or woman are needy, you are only repelled by this behavior because he is pursuing you too much & you're running for the hills.

When dating never be too available. Always remember the flux, people will place value on you because they can't get you when they want to. It rouses their curiosity & makes them think about you. When something is just out of reach, people will move heaven & earth to get it.

Ladies, be more selective... don't settle for BS. Me as a man, I know what is currently pursuing you...I've met millions of guys in my life & I only trust about 10 of them. Be suspicious of them & let them earn your trust... don't just give it freely to everyone. I am a strong man, mentally & physically, but I am very suspicious of all men & women, I treat them is suspects until proven otherwise. This is to protect yourself, if you don't value & protect yourself, who the hell will? Do your own deductions... how many people have you met in your life & how many do you trust?

I don't like fake people with ulterior motives & my bullshit detector is very sharp. Ladies, if you don't have these built in protectors, people will walk over you & treat you however they want to. You must show them that you wont tolerate 1 ounce of shit. Yes, you are not going to have loads of boyfriends, but life is about quality & not quantity. Life is about having few meaningful relationships instead of millions of superficial fake "friendships".

I am not a woman, but I can't for the life of me understand how you guys put up with so much bullshit?!?! If someone treats me badly, trying to manipulate me... I will let them know head on, if I don't get the reaction I want... see ya! It's that simple. Rule number 1 in life is: Know thyself!! When you start on the journey of self discovery you will see that you are the captain of your vessel. You choose your crew... not the other way round. Value yourself because what you think of yourself, gets emitted to your surroundings. No matter how you look, if you value yourself... people will find you attractive. Make the most of what you got, make the most of your life.

Life is about learning & about joy. I don't believe in bad experiences, it's only an experience for you to learn. People that make you feel bad, get rid of them. People that do their best to bring a smile to your face, no matter the mood you're in, let him into your life. Simple stuff guys... introspection is the key. How does he make YOU feel? Do you feel like he's playing you? Do you feel like you're been manipulated? Go with your gut, your intuition will guide you. Remember, being alone & happy is a hell of a lot better than being a spare wheel to someone else.

All the best ladies, & make 'em work more! They must impress you, not make you feel like a piece of meat. There is so much beauty in romance, a true man is invigorated by the dance that takes place in romancing a woman. Piquing a woman's interest & attracting them is a wonderful experience for us males too. If they don't want to make you feel special, then why must you even bother?

All my love,
Brad :); September 26, 2013 at 7:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies,
I hope you notice that in addition to Peter, this is only the SECOND man brave enough to step out of the shadows and comment on this post as himself - in over 3,000 comments.

Pay heed to the words of these men gals ;-); September 26, 2013 at 8:24 AM
Gemini50 said...: Hi Ms. Mirror and Ladies,

Update: DC is back in town; and my GF has been playing him like a fiddle since last wknd. She has him thinking via sexting that he has a “wild tiger” on his hands.

His two-night stay at my house has turned into a one-night stay as they are supposed to get together tonight for dinner, and he got a room for them. She is going to wait until tonight, and then very apologetically cancel on him due to her grandkids (that she is raising) being terribly sick with the flu and she not feeling all that well either. Oy! I’ll let you know how THAT turns out.

Last night I got home late from work as DC was leaving to meet Writer for dinner/drinks. He invited me to join them and when I declined he said > Writer would like it if you joined us.

Me> I’m sorry I can’t. It’s been a very long day at work, blaa, blaa, blaa…

DC> You now, Writer really liked you.

Me (trying to keep from laughing)> Really?

DC> Yep, just freshen up and meet us at *.

Me> Sorry, I am just too tired tonight.

DC> Writer was impressed with you.

Me> Aw, that’s sweet. Even if you are lying, I appreciate it. But no thanks, I’m so tired, I’m not good for anything and then I’d have to figure out how to drive home in one piece.

DC> I’m not lying. He reaaaaaaaaaaaallly likes you. You can have dinner and one drink and then head out.

Me> I’d like to, really, but I have to get up early and do this all over again tomorrow. I’ll take a raincheck though.

DC> Ok, I’m going to give Writer your number and have him text you tonight.

Me> Ok, you do that. Please tell him that I enjoyed meeting him too.

And as DC was leaving, I said > Make sure you tell Writer I said, “Hi!”

How funny is that ladies? Writer reaaaaaaaaaaallly likes me. These guys are a trip. But one positive sign: During our discussions when we were out, we talked about texting as a source of conversations in relationships and I expressed my disapproval to it. So, maybe Writer heard me and understood – or, maybe “whatever” is the reason he didn’t text last night, we shall see -- or not. ;-)

{hugs to all -- hold on to your Power!}; September 26, 2013 at 9:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50 and the Ladies,
See what I'm saying gals??

No matter HOW MUCH these guys try to get you to roll over and play dead like a wet dish towel - the bottom line is - they ADMIRE and are ATTRACTED to STRENGTH in a woman. And a woman's strength lies in her ability to:

1) Speak her own mind free of worry or ridicule
2) Stand confident in herself, even in the face of someone attempting to bring her insecurities to the surface
3) Say NO nicely
4) Set boundaries immediately out of the gate without FEAR standing in the way
5) Be okay, with or WITHOUT a man in her life
6) Know what SHE wants and needs, and isn't willing to settle for less

Do you see how the first night of this story, when Gem set her boundaries loud and clear up front with both of these men, even in the face of them attempting to make her feel bad about herself using the old "but don't you care what people think about you" line. . .it created an ATTRACTION to her in BOTH of them.

I'm convinced that DC is attracted to Gem, but he's already bedded down with her girlfriend and knows Gem has his number - so I imagine he feels he doesn't stand a chance here.

And lookie, lookie who popped up to take DC's place? Writer. The one who hadn't said a single PEEP about any of this nor expressed an immediate interest in Gem. . .is suddenly, really attracted to her.

And you know why he didn't text?

Because he KNOWS he HAS to play this RIGHT with Gem. He can't play this like he does with other women, because he already knows it won't work on Gem - because she is DIFFERENT from OTHER WOMEN. . .and THAT'S the attraction here. Gem isn't a cookie cutter mold of the numerous women both of these men are used to dealing with. . .women that TRY TOO HARD to please a man and end up giving themselves away for free and losing the man's respect in the process.

BOTH of these men RESPECT Gem. And as a result, they are being more honest with her than all of the other women around them - and they are moving VERY carefully towards her, attempting to be as proper and respectful as they can be.

These two players - are NOT disrespecting Gem. Instead, they are taking her VERY seriously.

Giving men what they want without any effort on their part right off the bat - is NOT the way to win a man's respect or his heart. Saying no and providing a challenge for them to overcome - IS.

This story has been an excellent example of this concept in action. And with each success Gem sees from doing the actual WORK of implementing these concepts into her interactions with men. . .she grows stronger, prouder, more confident, less anxious, feels better about herself and most importantly - will feel VALUABLE.

Excellent, excellent progress Gem. You will soon see that dating CAN be fun for women, too ;-); September 26, 2013 at 11:57 AM
@lONDONcALLING said...: YESSSSSS YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!! Gemini50 you go girly wit your bad self!!!
I love it that we're getting our power..... Mirror you are starting a RE.VO.LUTIOOONN!!!
Brad...thankyou for keeping it real, please come back on here and slap some more sense into us from a male's standpoint :)

On that note ladies, big foot sighting here and I am already gone these months past! Dust over the hills!; September 26, 2013 at 2:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello,

First, thank you very much for your fabulous work, it really helps me a lot. For the first time I come across a genuine love advice website. Thumbs up.
I have a question please: I met a guy in a club, he invited me to dance. We danced with a lot of sensuality and sexiness, then he tried to kiss me, I said no, then he asked me for my phone number, I answered politely I will think about it, come back in 5 minutes if you can. Then I gave it to him, he proposed to drive me home, I refused and said that I will go with my friends and prefer not to go in unknown people cars. Once I was home at about 6 am, he tried to call me, I texted to say I was home and safe and that I was about to sleep and I wished him good night.

A few days later after several calls and conversation we met up for a drink. First he picked me with a motorbike, as I told him I was scared he was very sweet and careful, and I could feel this has developed his feelings towards me, as he said aw your warm body against me was just exquisite.. Then he took a very nice car in the garage and we went for a drink. We had a wonderful time, lots of laugh..On the second date we went to a Park, we walked arms around waist, lots of kisses and then an ice cream, his kisses were more and more deep and I could feel he wanted more and calmed him down. On the 3rd it was just before his holidays, we met up cause I had forgotten my pullover in his car. He came to my place, we flirted crazily, even we were on the edge of having sex we did not. Then he texted me and called me at the airport before his departure. He texted me again once he was there like a week after. I always answered him back. I texted him to say that I was going to London (as I told him about it) and I was happy. He did not answer. He was supposed to go to the Caribbean from 15th August to 15th September.

Since my last text no news, I don’t know if he is back or not, and I don’t understand why he doesn’t contact. Do you think I should contact him? The last time we met, he said he had a big crush on me and was looking at me with a lot of affection. For now I just continue with my life and my projects.. I do think about him a lot as well :-/.; September 27, 2013 at 5:29 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Brad, Your last post was terrific. Thank you for writing it.

I have two questions please: Where was the fork in the road when you decided to diverge from the male pack regarding your behavior towards women? And what was the decision based on?

Thank you in advance if you can recall the where, when and why.

@ Ms. Mirror, I absolutely love how you clarify everything so accurately. You are right, taking care of ourselves is WORK, and with my work I saw tiny increments of change in me, and now I am finally seeing the little changes adding up to BIG results. It’s freeing.

The sad thing about the conversation with DC re: dinner w/Writer is: because I know DC is a liar, I couldn’t believe what he said. It could be true, but who knows; and it’s why I just played along for my amusement.

And I hope you are right about the dating fun. I had to laugh when I read that. I was laughing at myself; at my age, learning how to date – it’s so true and I love it! My little changes are paying off… and it’s because of this site, your guidance and the women here who come to share their experiences. I don’t know how you do it Ms. Mirror, but I am so grateful that you do.

Update on GF and DC. Well, she told me that she was not going to meet him last night; that she was going to fix his axx by not showing up, etc. I didn’t hear from her as we planned. We connected this afternoon, and I’m sure you know what’s coming: She went out with him, they went back to her place for the night (grandkids were elsewhere) and he left early this AM back home. (This shows me that I am still so naïve. I did not see that coming.) She has her reasons for changing her mind, most of them are what is expressed here on Ms. Mirror's site.

It’s none of my business. I have a clear conscious regarding my actions with her; I’ll hope for the best for her and stay out of it.

But I have to tell you, on the drive home from work tonight, it got me thinking. Thinking of pride vs. comfort; immediate satisfaction vs. long term effort; we all know the story. But then Brad’s words popped in my head: quality vs. quantity, and one comment GF made, “I am starting to feel comfortable with him…”

She is STARTING to feel comfortable, AFTER she’s already slept with him twice. I’ve been there before – going to bed with a man I really did not know – I don’t ever want to be there again.

Yeah, I’m still ok.

Cheers to All with a Bailey’s on ice tonight. ;-); September 27, 2013 at 7:10 PM
Life is short. Smile often :) said...: Mirrior of Aphrodite: I met this beautiful man who I've been seeing for about a year now and we have been on a few dates. The first date we ever went on I actually came by his place (which I terribly regret) I texted him back and said I can pop by for a bit so I went over to his place and was there for an hour. I felt stupid because now I see that I was the pursuer by going to see him (stupid I know!!). Nothing at all happened, we just chatted, laughed and I was only there for an hour. Since then he has been pursuing me so much he wanted to cook for me at his place and I told him I couldn’t make it. Next week goes by, he would ask again and if I wanted to hang out and I told him again I was busy.
I finally went on our last date which was in the beginning of this summer and we had a really nice dinner at a beautiful restaurant. We had a LOT in common and enjoyed each other’s company, we laughed all night and he said I was a very funny girl and he complimented me on how pretty I looked which was very nice to hear . After our dinner he gave me a hug and said our goodbyes (never got to kiss him yet) and before I even got home he texted me immediately after saying how he enjoyed our time together. He then texted me a couple days later and asked to go for brunch and I told him I was too busy. Since our last date he has been pursuing me vigorously and every time he ask to see me I feel like I've been playing the game too hard by pushing him away whenever he ask to do something. I don't know how many times I've said "I'm busy sorry I can't do today - how about next week?" and by the time next week comes around I tell him the same thing :| I like him a lot but I'm putting this wall up so I don't get hurt and it’s damaging our relationship. As I've mentioned earlier he is a very good looking guy and I sometimes think that he could have a quick change of heart and fall for many girls since he knows he's a good catch. I mean I could be wrong but most of the time a really good looking man can get any girls they want, right (unless they’re a douchebag). To be perfectly honest I am a very secure person. The only thing that’s keeping this distance is that I don’t want to get walked over and get hurt. The last text I received from him was in the beginning of this month that he wanted to see me and once again I replied back and told him I had to reschedule. Now several weeks have gone by and I have not heard from him since and I’m afraid he has given up  Have I pushed him way too far? What do I need to do to get him back again? I don’t know how I’ve done it but I’ve held my ground and have not contacted him since my last reply because I expected him to reply back to me and I’ve been so tempted to but I tell myself just wait he’ll message again but it hasn’t happened… Should I break the NC rule and text him since my situation is a bit different? Has he lost interest in me and stopped pursuing? We have always responded to each other and this is the first time he has disappeared and left me hanging… I would love to hear from you as you give such great advice. Thank you Guru of Aphrodite!!; September 27, 2013 at 8:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Regarding DC and your girlfriend, I imagine you noticed how I glossed over that in my last response and left it unaddressed? LOL, that'd be because I figured your girlfriend was talking a good talk, but in reality, is "needy" and therefore, will permit herself to be used unfortunately. When women erroneously placer a higher value on their sexual/intimacy needs than they do themselves - it generally spells trouble unfortunately. So what your girlfriend has most likely decided is that sex is more important to her than she is to herself, intimacy is more important to her than she is to herself, and male attention is more important to her than she is to herself. She has placed a higher value on general human needs than she has on herself. And the value she's given it is so high, she's willing to sacrifice herself just for the experience.

We all have these basic human needs. But when you place a higher value on them than you do yourself, it always results in self-defeating, self-destructive behavior. And again, while she may attempt to convince herself and others that she can handle this, you will see it's destruction in her manifest somewhere over time. Either in continued lack of self-esteem, low self-confidence, low self-worth, guilt, shame, self-doubt, etc. This type of behavior is self-destructive because of all these issues I just mentioned. She's basically powerless right now regretfully.

You, yourself, even now realize the hefty price to pay for self-destructive behavior such as this, " I don’t ever want to be there again." It's not a good feeling several days later when reality sets in, particularly after the man vanishes into the arms of other women within a week :-(

This type of behavior, as you've noticed, plays into the "short term rewards" instant gratification system that we've all been brainwashed into believing is somehow something positive. Large sacrifices made for minimal short term rewards. When the reality is that success requires hard WORK. Success anywhere in life - always requires hard WORK. Sure, you can take shortcuts and receive short term rewards and instant gratification, but that's generally not considered success. Success would be a valuable relationship, not a cheap sexual escapade. And in order to achieve long term success anywhere in life, hard work is required. When dating, that hard work amounts to patience, timing, proper effort, proper treatment, proper behavior, self-discipline, self-control, awareness of the image you're projecting to others, aligning your words with your actions, knowing when to say no, etc. It's work. There are no permissable shortcuts.

Cont. . .; September 28, 2013 at 8:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And if you notice, your GF has pretty much attracted someone just like herself - to herself. DC is a user and he's secretly insecure. Your GF is insecure and is secretly a user. Do you see the correlation here? DC is open about using women for sex but keeps his insecurity a secret. Your GF is open about her insecurity but keeps the fact that she uses men for gratification of primal sexual needs a secret.

Do you see how these two have attracted to themselves another individual with the same issues taking place in their life? And how those issues are reversed, thus causing these two to fit together like a yin and yang sign, with each filling the others void? Problem is, this entire situation and each of the attraction factors at play here in both of them are all negative. So this is just one big, giant TOXIC situation - a breeding ground for more negativity once these two start feeding off each other.

However, when that's reversed and two people are coming at each other in a positive light, the same takes place. The difference is that it's a HEALTHY relationship and a breeding ground for the generation of more positivity once the couple begins feeding off each other and their energy as a couple.

We all have needs folks, every single one of us. But the only needs that should EVER be more important than YOURSELF are the need for survival, the needs of your children, the needs of your immediate family. Things like sexual needs, ego needs, pride needs, attention needs. . .are trivial and very minor in comparison and are easily controlled - IF YOU DO THE WORK - and practice self-discipline and placing a high value on YOURSELF ;-); September 28, 2013 at 8:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Life is short. Smile often :),
"most of the time a really good looking man can get any girls they want"

Sure - and so can good looking women dear. Think about that. Think about who REALLY has an easier time. And this is important. It's important because I hear so many women say what you just said, without realizing that it's actually EASIER for a WOMAN to get any man she wants, LOL. Picture a man going into a bar with the intention of leaving with a woman. Picture him working the room, buying drinks, making conversation and seeking out his intended mark. Now - picture how many times he's successful at that. Let's give him some fantastic odds here and let's say that one out of every three attempts is successful.

Now, picture a woman walking into a bar with the intention of leaving with someone. Picture her scanning the room, seeking out her mark - and flashing a smile and inviting a conversation. That's it. That's REALLY all a woman has to do, LOL. A woman can do that every night of the week successfully. Let's give her lower odds and say this happens successfully one out of every two attempts. Those odds are STILL higher than the man's odds and we've even granted him fantastic odds here. A woman can literally walk into a bar, snap her fingers, announce that she's seeking company - and leave with company.

And the reason I share this visual example here is because once women realize that they ARE VALUABLE to men, once women realize the POWER they truly HAVE - it's a game changer, ladies. It can create a shift in perspective that makes all the difference in the world. Because instead of feeling lonely and then sad about it, you now realize that your loneliness is a personal CHOICE. Because the reality is - if you didn't want to be lonely - you don't have to be. It's that easy. And once you realize this, realize how truly easy it is for women to "score" - suddenly - scoring and instant sexual gratification and men and relationships and sex and love - all becomes a CHOICE that YOU have CONTROL over. Get it?

Because all these "needs" women convince themselves are of great importance and out of their control - are the EXACT opposite. They are not important and they ARE under your control. So instead of, "I need sex, I need a man's touch, I need intimacy" and feeling DESPERATE about these needs, being desperate to have them fulfilled, so desperate you're willing to sacrifice yourself for them. . .suddenly you realize, you can actually have these needs fulfilled anytime you like if you so choose. And once you realize that these needs can, in reality, be fulfilled whenever you like (you can walk into a bar and snap your fingers) - suddenly - they are NOT that important anymore. Suddenly, you are NOT desperate anymore. Suddenly, you are NO LONGER powerless. Suddenly you realize that it's the exact opposite and that you are POWERFUL and you are in complete control. Get it?

That shift in perspective can remove your fear, your desperation, your need - and replace it with confidence, control and self-discipline. Understand?

"I don't know how many times I've said "I'm busy sorry I can't do today - how about next week?"

Instead, you should be saying, "I'm busy. Sorry, I can't do that today - how about next week, say, Saturday? Dinner at 5?"

The time of your refusal should also be the same time you're setting the next date in stone with him. So you refuse the last minute date offer and set boundaries by signaling that you need advanced notice by making concrete plans for the next date right then and there.

"Has he lost interest in me and stopped pursuing?"

I imagine he'll be back dear. It may be a while, several weeks or a month or so, but a large majority of them return to test the water again ;-); September 28, 2013 at 8:37 AM
Life is short. Smile often :) said...: Thank you taking the time to write me back and for being so fast! You are unbelievably awesome and your knowledge is just incredible :) I SHOULD be more confident and because of you, you've lifted my spirits up again when I somehow lost my dignity and power as it became a choice of feeling of that uncertainty due to his disappearance. Dare I ask you one more question that's on my mind...Do you think it's fine to text him before or after 30 days of NC or would I seem desperate?

Thank you Mirror and may you have a blessed day!

Life is short. Smile Often! :); September 28, 2013 at 1:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Aphrodite, I posted my message yesterday at 5:29-Anonymous. What do you think of my case, I know he is not my boyfriend yet, but I can't help feeling sad and awkward. I have been for 10 years in a relationship. I am starting to date again but I can feel a huge difference, as if the world has changed lol, It is the first time I am into that situation. I don't know if something happened to him during his holidays, and at the same time I don't want to look desperate and call him above all if he has lost interest for me, which would surprise me but we never know.

Thank you in advance for your advice.; September 28, 2013 at 2:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

as usual, you have written so much interesting stuff since I was last here.

My update on the player: Now I must warn you that it won´t be "a relationship thing" at all. The situation has developed in a different direction. Well, he phoned me again. Just before his phone call my bicycle had broken down. It´s the best season for cycling now, the weather is beautiful, so I was just thinking what steps I would take to put my bike in order when he phoned. I answered and told him about my bike, to which he offered to have it fixed for me. I was glad because the nearest bicycle service is about 2 km from my place and I have to push my bike there whenever I have a problem with it. So I couldn´t resist the temptation to have it repaired quickly and effortlessly and accepted his offer. We met the following day near my place. He came in a van, put the bike in it and invited me for a coffee to the nearest café. We chatted over coffee and I was able to look at him and see him much more objectively than before. The end result is that I am over him, not interested in him as a man anymore. He was polite, helpful and everything, but he is not nice and is quite a cold person. Didn´t I see it before? I really saw him differently back then. So during the coffee I realised I wasn´t that much interested and I regretted accepting his offer. However, the bike was already in his car. Before we parted he told me he would call when the bike was ready. He really did, later on the very same day. I went to the same place near my house where we had met earlier that day, he gave me the bike and I asked how much I owed him. He told me the price of the repair, I wanted to give him the money but he didn´t want to accept it. I insisted but he didn´t want to take it. It wasn´t much but still... I don´t want to owe him anything. Plus, he probably thinks I want to meet him again. He said he would call me for a biking trip next weekend.

I have a dilemma now. I like cycling and I would like to have a companion. We used to go quite a lot back then. Also, I´d like to pay him back the money for the repair somehow so it would be appropriate to meet again. However, I don´t want to make myself vulnerable to his manipulative behaviour again. Because I feel that if I was more available to him, he would become entitled again. And also, I don´t want to fuel any false sexual hopes in him. I know that I couldn´t be bothered but it´s not my way to string anybody along, not even the player. What I´ve realised I don´t think he is particularly attracted to me either. Now I understand that although I am not ugly I am probably not his type. So it´s quite strange that he is back, isn´t it? Is it possible that he has "run out" of more willing women? Or hasn´t he found such women at all?

I am writin all of this because a few months ago I would never have thought things would develop like this. I felt attracted to him and I wanted him so much to reciprocate. And now, after having studied this blog and absorbing all Mirror´s advice I don´t really care, maybe a bit, but not much. So maybe we´ll finally end up as cycling buddies!

Regards to all the ladies and gentleman,
HopefulWithmen; September 28, 2013 at 2:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I've commented a few times about man I've had some dates with, not many it is casual dating but I already mentioned that we had sex too soon. Then his consistent plentiful contact changed and I then pulled back, then his contact improved but I had to refuse last minute dates, when previously he had been giving me notice which he balked about. Then he pulled back and contact lessened again but acting like things are normal but since the third refusal of the last minute dates he has not asked me again and has become a bit distant to the point that I started to think that he might think that I'm not interested.

However, I've not been able to do anything about that and part of me thinks that he may well know that and may well be trying to get me to do the work. I've gone silent on him too.

Anyway I originally met him online dating and he told me a story on the first date that his friend had been seeing someone for ages from the dating website and found out that she had been seeing someone else and how bad that was and how relationships are about trust.

Anyway while I've been having these shenanigans with him, I've been checking in online to look at my messages I haven't emailed anyone back, I've felt guilty doing it and paranoid that if he checks he might be able to see that I've been on line. Now this is debatable whether he knows or not as on the site you only can see if someone has been online if they are in one of the sections on it. He is not on mine but I could be on his.

Anyway I'm paranoid now as because things have gone wrong, I know that if he knows that I have been online that he really wouldn't like it and he said that he couldn't stand it on there as it was full of weirdos and wanted to get off it. As I've not known where I am with him I've been torn to one minute feeling guilty that I shouldn't be going on there and worried that he might find out to the next minute thinking he's not treating me properly so I should be keeping my options open, even though when I go on there I really don't want to be on there myself and would happily come off it if things developed with him and he started treating me properly.

I do feel guilty now as if he sees that I've been on there and on top of my 3 refusals of last minute dates that he will think that I'm definitely not interested. I think he will be pissed off that I've been on there and look at it as, well if she's going to do that I'm not interested anyway type of thing and I'm feeling that I could carry the blame of things not working out when it's he who has started to not treat me properly.; September 28, 2013 at 3:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Anyway today I looked and I was shocked to see that his profile has been taken down which does mean he has been on the site to do that. I really don't get the impression that he will have been on the site much and like I said I don't know if he will know if I've been on there or not but he might. Bearing in mind there has been some distance between us now just under a week and things were alright when we communicated last we just had a joke with each other but he has refused to go back and pursue me like he was doing before and pulling away slightly and then he re-started to pursue but was met with refusal of dates. I did say at the time I would love to see him again soon but I failed to set something else up in stone. After our text chat at the beginning of the week, he has not pursued me and he always calls at least once a week and I think he's looking for a reaction and/or me to pursue him.

Anyway I wonder if he has been on the site with the intention of seeing what I'm up to as well he's taken his profile down and I just wondered with the timing of this whether he is making a statement towards me to get me worried and if so what is he trying to communicate to me doing this? We don't communicate online since our first date so we don't need use the site for that. Or it could be just a coincidence the timing of it, he did say from the off-start that he wanted to be off there and he's old fashioned in terms of not liking to meet people on-line and didn't like it at all.

Do you think there is anything in it Mirror is he playing a guilt game with me? I think this silence from the beginning of the week is going to continue and all I can say is I will have to reciprocate the silence :( but I hate feeling like I could carry the ending of this as being my fault because all he will see is the fact that I've been carrying on online and he will not see his failure to treat me properly as the cause of this fracture i.e last minute date offers and distancing.

Part of me thinks that he feels that I'm not interested and I'm worried that he may of interpreted my behaviour of the refusal of dates that I'm seeing other guys as he may well know that I've been online. When I'm not seeing anyone else, I just want to protect myself.

Then a big part of me thinks that he is really testing me and trying to guilt trip me into doing the work and he is trying to play on my insecurities of losing him in the attempt to make me chase after him - what do you think? I really don't like it on-line and I don't want to take the blame for this, I'm not interested in meeting anyone else on there and it depresses me a bit at the thought of having to go back on there again even though I've been engaging with it loosely. I wish now that I would have not been on there and just seen this through with him and waited to see the outcome and I do think about this everytime I log in but I can't seem to stop myself from going on there as it's as though I'm doing it to protect myself in case he is messing me about and is not going to come good in the end.

Please could you advise me Mirror

thank you; September 28, 2013 at 3:34 PM
KK said...: I know you're right Mirror, I'm not going to try to defend anything you said. I've acknowledged my part in this, although I did try to go in the opposite direction, but then fell off the wagon and just had a hard time with it. I react too quickly and as a woman, let my emotions get the best of me. I'm STILL learning, I don't think that will ever stop.
There's so much information everywhere about this topic: do this, don't do that, say this, don't say that, etc... I have to go back to using my gut and going with actions and real hard evidence. So now I'm taking a giant step back and turning around and walking in the other direction. If anything happens, it won't be because I started it.

I said there were no other fish biting... well now there is. Nothing really significant, just beginning.
(Dating site) He first told me to text him and provided his number. I wrote back and told him to text me and provided my number. 24 hours later, he texts. (I can do well with a new man I don't even know or that I'm not 'attached' to.)
He started off with a weird question about the site, and I haven't been on long enough to notice anything out of the ordinary (if there's anything out of the ordinary). I said I was just trying it out, and he then went into some of his 'history' on there and told me I was the only one that wanted to talk to him. I guess he thinks it's a scam or something, or maybe the women are on only for attention but not for anything further - and what's the point of that?! I didn't get into it with him much. Talked about other things anyway.
We shared a few messages back and forth but not for too long. Then this evening (and exactly 2 days later), he texts me: "Hi. Would you still like to talk to me?" - I want to say I sense some insecurity there, or maybe he's just curious and since I didn't chase him he's wondering? But still, it was only 2 days, that's really nothing. And this is brand new, the very beginning.
Although my answer is yes, I'd still like to talk and get to know him, I'm still on the cautious side too. Which I know I should be and that's ok. I also don't want to seem too eager or anything like that and it's also not up to me if we continue talking - it's up to him isn't it? (at least to initiate anyway, my only job is to reply and that alone is his answer)
I don't need help with a response or anything, I figure I can come up with something good - and make things clear without saying anything - but by showing him, I do not chase. (I have before, but now I'm not. I just need to remind myself of that sometimes)
Being a bit scarce does wonders and obviously got him wondering, so I do have faith.

I will need help with this - A few minutes ago, just as I typed this: "If anything happens, it won't be because I started it", I heard my phone go off. A certain someone had texted and I know it's him by the ringtone - Pisces. I haven't said a word in almost two weeks and neither has he.
So now he's texting asking me what I'm up to and followed it with a 'buddy ol pal' and a lol of course. (I'm not laughing)
I'm ignoring.; September 28, 2013 at 10:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Life is short. Smile often :),
You can "tap" him with a brief hello after 30 days (don't turn it into a 2 hour text marathon), but generally, I suggest waiting until the man contacts you and:

1) Offers an apology and/or
2) Expresses a desire to "talk"

Because if the woman tries this BEFORE the man is READY, it will backfire. It's best to wait until the man has processed the situation emotionally himself first and signals that he's now ready to discuss it and/or attempt to make repairs.; September 29, 2013 at 9:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 28, 2:17 PM.
No dear, I don't think you should contact him. I do not advocate women exhibiting masculine energy by taking the lead and attempting to do things to nudge the relationship along or remind the man you exist. If you do that, it signals to others that you lack confidence and believe you're so insignificant that if you don't remind a man you exist, they'll forget you.

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not, is to see if he pursues her. Consider this piece, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; September 29, 2013 at 9:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithmen,
"I´d like to pay him back the money for the repair somehow so it would be appropriate to meet again."

You don't have to meet with him again to pay him back or thank him officially for the assistance. You can send him something nice along with a thank you card - a gift certificate to a sports store maybe. Something along those lines.

"Now I understand that although I am not ugly I am probably not his type. So it´s quite strange that he is back, isn´t it? Is it possible that he has "run out" of more willing women? Or hasn´t he found such women at all?"

No, it's not strange, LOL. Once you realize and accept that men need women, that women have the power, then you soon realize - almost all of them come back at one point or another. Some out of guilt, some out of remorse, some have a change of heart, some are just curious, some want to make amends, some just want to be friends to free their conscious, some want sex, some are desperate, some have hit a dry spell. . .you get the idea.

Whatever the reason, it's still your job to look out for yourself and put the man, particularly a disappearing/reappearing man, through the courtship process - test his willingness and his level of authenticity to see if he's genuinely interested.

In this case, where you're no longer attracted to him (which is generally what happens when the woman takes a significant amount of time to detach from the man, LOL) - you can send a simple thank you card with a gift certificate and call it a day. After that, be available for about half of his communications and be busy for each invite. It's hard, but remember, he had no problem treating you poorly prior to this and in this life, you reap what you sow. All if fair in love and war and if you're no longer interested, it's okay to signal that through your actions to him (no availability to him).; September 29, 2013 at 10:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 28, 3:30 PM,
"I hate feeling like I could carry the ending of this as being my fault because all he will see is the fact that I've been carrying on online and he will not see his failure to treat me properly as the cause of this fracture i.e last minute date offers and distancing."

You're making an awful lot of assumptions here dear. You're assuming he's seen you online, you're assuming he will not see the error of his ways and you're assuming that this is ultimately your fault.

When the reality is that this man was simply UNABLE and UNWILLING to make you happy - and THAT is not your fault.

"Part of me thinks that he feels that I'm not interested"

And if so - so what? I don't mean to be rude, I'm just trying to say. . .who cares if a man that treated you poorly and took you for granted - thinks you're not interested? Why WOULD you even be interested in a man that treats you poorly and takes you for granted? How is that attractive to anyone, ya know?

"Then a big part of me thinks that he is really testing me and trying to guilt trip me into doing the work and he is trying to play on my insecurities of losing him in the attempt to make me chase after him - what do you think?"

It's quite possible that he's attempting to make you feel insecure and fearful so that you chase him. Because it's clear that he really isn't willing to do what's necessary to date you properly and make you feel special and treat you nice. As a result, he could be resorting to manipulative tactics to gain control.

"I don't want to take the blame for this"

You don't have to TAKE the blame for this from anyone else - you're beating yourself up pretty good already dear. Why is that? Why are you beating yourself up over a man that took you for granted and wasn't willing to treat you properly? This isn't your fault - he was lazy, over confident, apathetic, disrespectful of your personal time and unwilling to fulfill your needs. How is that your fault?

I think you need to take some time here. You need to detach from this experience as it's consuming too much of your mental/emotional space to be considered healthy at this point. You've protected yourself from being taken advantage of here but for some unknown reason, you're now punishing yourself for looking out for yourself and you're regretful of doing something healthy and good for yourself and it's causing you to wish for a situation in which you'd settle for less than you deserve.

Try hard dear to shut your brain off. Do not let yourself get carried away in these negative thought patterns and do not permit yourself to beat yourself up over looking out for yourself.

You should be celebrating a milestone here of properly looking out for yourself and not permitting yourself to be taken advantage of - but instead, you're beating yourself up for that.

Looking out for yourself is hard WORK dear. It's never easy so just accept that. And change will always make you feel uncomfortable, accept that. Learn to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. And realize that when you look out for yourself, you are going to leave men in your wake - meaning - YOU are going to walk AWAY from THEM - so get used to that feeling.

Dating isn't about you taking the first thing that comes along that MIGHT be decent with more INVESTMENT from YOU - it's about finding someone that is a MATCH for YOU - and that requires filtering and passing over "lesser" men.

Dating isn't about SETTLING and then beating your head against the wall to make something work. It's about swimming in the dating pool - and CHOOSING the RIGHT partner.; September 29, 2013 at 10:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
"Hi. Would you still like to talk to me?"

Yes, he's insecure it appears and it sounds like he was getting hit up by the "professionals" on those sites originally (hookers, working girls, mail order brides, men posing as women to ask for money, etc.)

"it's also not up to me if we continue talking - it's up to him isn't it?"

Yea, it is. Or - at least is SHOULD be, if it's a real man (leader) and a true gentleman you seek.

I don't advocate dating insecure men as they require a ton of work, a ton of attention, play a ton of games, tend to cheat due to a need for large amounts of attention and basically, mess with a woman's head, heart and emotions without even realizing it. . .but you can issue one chance if you want, choice is yours.

You can gentle signal to him that he should be leading via your response and throw the "leader" ball back into his court with a response like:

"Sure, I'd still like to talk to you. Feel free to converse any time you like :-)"

And leave it at that. Don't invest any more than that into this man at this point. He has to be willing to step forward and man up first.; September 29, 2013 at 10:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

thank you for you reply and advice. Yes, you are right about everything. I´ll do what you suggest and honestly, I´ll be happy not to see this man again. When he got my bike repaired, I hesitated a bit as it was nice of him and I was grateful. However, on second thoughts, I realised again that on the whole he hadn´t treated me properly and that I myself don´t feel any special attraction to him anymore. It´s time to face the reality and forget this one forever. Next time when I meet somebody who will behave similarly, I am going to move on immediately, not after weeks or months like with this one. One is learning but it takes so much time! At least in my case.:-(

I wish you a nice rest of the weekend,
HopefulWithMen; September 29, 2013 at 11:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Change is never easy dear and it's always awkward and uncomfortable. And much like a drug addict, relapse is part of recovery, LOL ;-)

But as long as you're learning from any mistakes made - you're still on the right path :-)

(It's when you're not learning and not changing your behavior as a result that there's something to worry about. .); September 29, 2013 at 12:01 PM
Unknown said...: @Gemini50

The answer to the diverging question, I remember one incident clearly, we were at a party… an attractive girl was leaving to travel the world for 2 years. I knew her because when I was a student we used to wait tables at a bar together. I would always make her laugh but things were just platonic between us… Anyways, we were all having a good time at the party then at one point in the evening 6 of us went into one of the rooms to sit & chat, then 6 became 4 & I went to the toilet. I came back into the room & saw sprawled across the bed with her boob out… to which I said, “Hey your boob is out, better cover it up before someone comes in.” To which she said you come pull it up. I said I’m sorry dear, but I don’t like my dish on a plate… No she was attractive but the situation was a big turn off for me, because I felt manipulated. Most of my friends thought I was retarded but I don’t want to be forced into having sex with someone. Sex isn't just about the act… sex starts when you & the girl are making each other laugh, when we are playfully teasing each other… so the entire romancing period is the build up of sexual tension & the act is the release of sexual tension into a climax. Anyways, that was the day I knew that I am not like other guys. Other guys think that they get "Lucky" Where is the luck in piquing a woman's interest? Where is the luck in knowing how to attract a woman?

To the question regarding how to treat women, I was a natural with that. Knowing how to pique a woman's interest & attracted to me happens naturally for me… just like the animals, they intrinsically know how to attract a mate…they are in tune with her, they know what buttons to press.

All the best,
Love
Brad :); September 30, 2013 at 9:09 AM
Life is short. Smile often :) said...: Hi Mirror! I wanted to give you feedback on what has happened. You are right about everything!! He finally texted me back after 3 weeks and I patiently waited and followed the NC rule. You're right on the money when you said "It's best to wait until the man has processed the situation emotionally himself first and signals that he's now ready to discuss it and/or attempt to make repairs." Now the bad part...he first texted and asked how I was then an hour later he asked if we could watch movies and a hot tub?! No apologies or explanation whatsoever. I have not replied back to him yet and wondered Mirror, how long should I wait to reply and what should I say to this weird text of his since it's been 3 weeks!

To everyone reading this please PLEASE listen to Mirror, she is a Guru and knows EXACTLY what she is talking about!! Thank you so much Mirror, you are AWESOME! :)

Life is short. Smile often :); September 30, 2013 at 1:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Life is short. Smile often,
Well dear, this is where the true test begins - both for you and him. Your strength will be tested as will his level of interest. Because in these situations where the man resurfaces and then acts like nothing has happened - you DON'T respond.

You DO NOT respond UNTIL you RECEIVE an apology or an acknowledgment of some sort from him regarding what went on. I don't care how many times he tries to skip over it and contacts you in the meantime, you remain SILENT until he "gets it."

And it's very important for you to remain silent because it's your silence that's going to jump start a very necessary thought process in his head - one that will get him asking himself the right questions to reach a conclusion about what he SHOULD be doing here. Your silence will cause question like:

1) Why isn't she talking to me?
2) Is there someone else?
3) Why hasn't she answered my repeated texts?

And the biggie:

4) WHAT DID I DO?

And THAT'S the question he needs to receive enough silence to begin asking himself - what did I do? Because then the next level of correct thinking then kicks in and he will start to:

1) Deduce what went wrong.
2) Think back to the last thing that happened between you two.

And THAT'S when the answer will hit him - and he will realize that he needs to:

1) Apologize
2) Acknowledge his treatment of you in some way

IF he wants to see/speak to you ever again.

And it's CRUCIAL for you to remain silent here because it's your silence that starts that train of thought. If you respond, his thoughts never make it that far. If you respond, he's never forced to ask himself those questions. Get what I'm saying?

You've got to remain silent for a long enough period that he starts asking himself those questions and starts questioning the part he played in what went wrong. And if he never man's up and steps forward to do the right thing here to make amends - then that's his loss and he suffers the consequences for that - and those consequences are:

1) No response from you.
2) No access to you.

That's how you signal to a man that you're not okay with how he's treated you without saying a word to him about it and that's how you set boundaries with men about how you expect to be treated without saying a word - so they can't turn around and call you "crazy" if you signal your displeasure verbally and emotionally instead.

No WORDS dear, only ACTION - ACTION is a language that men understand. And it's also one that they themselves use regularly to communicate with you (by disappearing on you, not answering your calls, not responding to your texts, etc.).

Speak their language dear ;-); September 30, 2013 at 1:48 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror, for the reminder. Silence is indeed golden. :-); September 30, 2013 at 2:54 PM
Gemini50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,

Yep, I noticed your "non-comment" regarding GF ;-). I wondered, though, if it was because you didn't agree with her plan, or if you didn't believe she'd do it. In any event, you were right. And I'm staying out of it.

@ Brad,
Thank you for your response. Interesting stuff.

Stay strong ladies -- remember, you are worth it!; September 30, 2013 at 8:31 PM
chk61 said...: hi ladies -

I skimmed this guy's book from the library (Steve Santagati) and this chapter really stood out and confirms what Mirror teaches. I found the excerpt here online and recommend everyone read it - several times to let it sink in, if necessary! It is written by a self-avowed "bad boy" and it speaks truth. I wish I had used this to my advantage better in the past few months but I am not fully committed to SILENCE:

http://books.google.com/books?id=z9YEQGcBuEkC&pg=PA138&lpg=PA138&dq=silence+is+golden+steve+santagati&source=bl&ots=te1E7X7TGj&sig=hshn0zAEZSe2L3HUoIxxNKGgqyU&hl=en&sa=X&ei=uDhLUqzrCpSThQeil4HwBA&ved=0CC4Q6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=silence%20is%20golden%20steve%20santagati&f=false; October 1, 2013 at 5:13 PM
Life is short. Smile often :) said...: I love you Mirrior!! You're my angel <3 I will listen to everything you have to say and will keep you posted :) I am going to go silent on him and wait for an apology because I do deserve one! You've said it in your article many times that you must take the toy away from the child for him to understand what he did was wrong. If people accept bad behavior and pretend like nothing happened than you're pretty much asking for a DISASTER! A true gentleman would NEVER treat a lady that way so I concur with you and silent is the best medicine for a man to understand what they did was wrong. I've learnt to be STRONG no matter what happens in life, always hold your ground and don't let anyone push you over. No one said it would be easy and it's gonna be a struggle but it's definitely worth it at the end! #womenpower #staystrong

Life is short. Smile often :); October 1, 2013 at 8:16 PM
No Longer Seriously Confused said...: Hi Mirror and ladies !
I wrote last month (Seriously Confused) about a guy who basically stood me up. I asked if he was rubberbanding or what. But mirror helped me realize I was clearly being disrespected. In the past month I have gotten so much stronger and just totally focused on doing my own thing and building a life that is fun for ME!
I ended up doing this 21 day challenge to keep myself focused on self-love and also as a way to keep myself busy (haha)! But it worked!
Anyway, of course he has resurfaced but I have ZERO interest in going back.
I wanted to nvite any ladies who may be interested in doing a radical self love challenge to join me!
It starts up again this Monday October 7th!
It's totally FREE!! Things like wearing a dress, meditating, writing a love letter to yourself. It's beautiful.

http://livebeautifulchallenge.com
It helped heal and stretch me out of my comfort zone. Wanted to spread the word!
Thanks again Mirror for all that you do!
Sincerely,
Clear & Free!; October 2, 2013 at 2:32 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Hi Mirror and Ladies,

So I have a loooong update on the Virgo guy. The last time I wrote was on his birthday, and I was unsure about acknowledging it. That was at the same time he got back from a trip. It feels like sooo much has happened since then. I decided to post a simple Happy Birthday on his FB wall. He commented on my post, “(my nickname), you’re the best.” He commented to everyone’s birthday wishes, so it wasn’t anything special. The next morning, he sent me a FB invite for his birthday party 3 days away. It was a joint party for him and his best friend at another friend’s house. I was really surprised and excited, but I didn’t respond.

He texted me about 6 hours after sending the FB invite. After some small talk, he asked me if I would be able to come to his party. I said I might stop by after another birthday event (which he was also invited to), but that I would have my best friend with me. He responded that I would get to meet his friends if I went.

The next day (Thursday), he texted and asked what I was doing Friday night. I told him I had dinner plans (I didn’t). He said he and his friends were going dancing, and he wanted me to come with them. I asked him for a raincheck, and he responded that it didn’t start until 10 pm if that made a difference. I was excited that he was asking me to meet his friends, come to his birthday party and see him on both Friday and Saturday nights. I thought about it for a while and decided to go for it, even though it was the next day. He did ask me to the birthday party 3 days in advance after all. See how I’m justifying it to myself? Ha ha. I know he loves going dancing, but he’s never invited me. I love dancing but I’ve never told him that. One of my friends keeps saying that I need to tell him I’m into things like that because he probably assumes I’m not (possibly due to the age difference). More on that later.

So I met up with him after my fake dinner. He was having a drink with 3 of his guy friends. He introduced me to his friends, then:

Virgo: How was dinner at (restaurant name)?
Me: Great as always.
Virgo: Were you with (a friend’s name)?
Me: No
Virgo: Were you with (another friend’s name)?
Me: No
Virgo: Who did you go to dinner with?
Me: Just some other friends.
Virgo: (eyebrows raised) Ohhh…. other friends?
Me: (changed the subject)

I wanted to leave some doubt in his mind about who I was with so hopefully I played that one well. We headed over to the dance club, and it was still pretty empty at that point, so we got more drinks and he and I sat alone on a couch, and he said he’d been doing some thinking. I knew he meant about me (or us), but I have a problem getting tongue tied when I don’t know what to say, and that’s what happened. I had already started drinking, and that makes me even more tongue tied with serious topics, so I basically responded with, “Oh?” The conversation didn’t go any further at that point. More of his friends showed up, and we ended up dancing until around 1:30 am. Even though his friends were there, we barely noticed them after the dancing started. We had SUCH a great time!

He and I left the club and walked to my car a few blocks away and talked there for quite a while. He made a comment that we’d been dating for over 3 months, and even though the night had been going so well, that comment got me worked up (because we hadn’t actually seen each other for 6 weeks at that point). I responded with “ARE we dating?” I remember I said it a couple of times, and he was taken off guard. Then he commented that it had been about 3 weeks since we’d seen each other. Of course, that also got to me, and I said:

Me: Really, 3 weeks? I assure you it’s been longer than 3 weeks.
Virgo: Has it?
Me: It’s been 6 weeks!
Virgo: What, you’ve been counting?
Me: No.

Obviously I wish I could take that back. Oops!

Cont…; October 2, 2013 at 6:08 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Cont…

A little later, still at my car, he made several comments worth mentioning. I don’t remember in what order these things were said, or what other small talk was made in between. I said very little because I had come to my senses and realized I needed to control my emotions. I wish he’d brought those things up at a different time (when we weren’t drinking) so we could’ve had a real two-sided conversation.

Virgo: It’s been 4 months (since his breakup), and I’ve been doing some thinking.
Virgo: I really like you.
Virgo: I want you to be a part of my life.
Virgo: I’m weird! (he said this a couple of times with frustration)
Virgo: I have a hard time expressing my feelings.

Me: I like you too. Let’s keep getting to know each other and see where things go.

One of the times he said he was weird, he wiped a tear from his eye. Now, I know I didn’t imagine it, but I don’t know if it was an actual tear, or his eye was just watering. It did seem like he was revealing a really personal part of himself to me.

After that, he drove my car back to his place, and I spent the night, but we literally went straight to sleep. I had warned him ahead of time that nothing had changed in regards to the bedroom. I got up early the next morning and said I was leaving. I went to get my coat and shoes, and he came out of the bedroom and hugged me for a long minute and said, “I meant what I said last night.” I said okay. He was texting me 30 minutes after I left thanking me for going out with him. He texted me several times throughout the day.

His birthday party was that night, and I did stop by with my friend, but we only stayed for a couple of hours. He’s 10 years younger than me (I’m almost 39, and he just turned 29), and everyone there was younger so my friend and I felt a little out of place. We made some small talk with a few people. He went back and forth from talking to us to mingling with his friends, which I assumed he would do. It was his party after all. At one point, we talked about what a great time we had dancing the night before, and he said that I had never told him before that I like dancing. I guess my friend was right about that! After a couple of hours, I told him we were leaving, and he kissed me (in front of all of his friends, yay!), and we left. He sent me a text later that night and again on Monday morning thanking me for coming out. He asked what I thought of his friends and told me they all liked me. Yay!

On Tuesday, he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner and a movie on Thursday. I said it might work, but I was thinking, it’s only 2 days in advance! Then he asked if Sunday would be better for me, and said it was the only free night other than Thursday that he had before leaving the country for 10 days. He gave me a rundown of everything else he was doing for the rest of the weekend. There was a concert on Friday that he wished I could go to with him and his friends, but it was sold out. His transparency about his plans was very cute. I accepted for Sunday. He also asked me to spend the night, which I’ve done several times now, but I didn’t answer that part (even though I knew I would). He had a work dinner that same night we were texting, and he texted me pictures of the appetizers, main course, dessert, then himself at the restaurant. Funny how little things like that can be so endearing.

On Sunday, he took me to a movie and dinner at a really nice restaurant. He was a perfect gentleman, opening doors, holding my hand or linking arms, paying for everything. Our conversation is never lacking. It feels so good being around him. I love spending time with him!

Cont…; October 2, 2013 at 6:08 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Cont…

However, there were two things that annoyed me that night. He said that he and I had been to that theater before, and I told him I’d never been there. He said, yes it was me because of something to do with my car. Then he said, ohhh it was his best guy friend. Please! Then at dinner, he was talking about something he does most Saturdays for a hobby he’s involved with. I knew about the hobby, but didn’t know about the Saturday activity. When I told him that, he said I did know, and after I’d spent the night one Friday, he went to it the next day, and that I seemed to think it was weird at the time. That was definitely NOT me, and I told him, “That was someone else.” I told him it wasn’t me because I’d never spent the night on a Friday except for last Friday after dancing. He insisted it was me, even saying that we had talked about not going too far sexually, and that’s how he knew it was me. I don’t even think he realized what he was revealing by saying that. I just shook my head and put my hand over my face briefly. He took that as embarrassment, and told me there was no reason to be embarrassed. I just told him, there’s no embarrassment. We moved on to something else after that.

The thing is, I know we’ve been casual for the past 3 1/2 months, there is no commitment, and I know he’s been seeing other people. I don’t love it, but I don’t dwell on it. He hasn’t done anything wrong. I just don’t want to hear about it! I’m happy to say that those slip-ups on his part didn’t ruin the night for me. They were annoying, but I had no problem moving past them. This is a change for me. Before, that would have ruined my night, and I probably would have lashed out in some other way. I think they were honest (but stupid) slip-ups on his part, and other than that, the night was absolutely beautiful.

He teased me about the “ARE we dating comment?” I made the night of dancing, and I said:

Me: I know, I’m sorry, I overreacted.
Virgo: After you said that, I was like, fine, I guess we’re just hanging out.
Me: No, we’re dating.
Virgo: (with a laugh) Okay.

I liked that he brought that up again and gave me a chance to kinda redeem myself!

After dinner, I asked him to drive my car back because his neighborhood is one of the most difficult in the city for parking. Also, I like him driving because it makes me feel more feminine. As he was parking, he had to maneuver a bit to fit in the spot, and he said:

Virgo: I’m not used to your car yet, but I’ll get used to it when I drive it more. See what I’m insinuating there?
Me: (with a laugh) That was not missed!

We went back to his place and sat on the couch drinking wine and talking for hours. I didn’t think about this as we were talking, but later I realized I was half expecting him to bring up exclusivity, but he didn’t. Among other things, he told me that he has kids names picked out and told me what they were. We went to bed late, and he said something that totally took me off guard. He said, “(my name), when we’re together, I feel like I’m the center of your universe.” Or something like that. I was kind of appalled! That’s exactly what I don’t want him to think! I know that I’m very present and in the moment when we’re together, but it’s not like I’m all over him or gushy or staring into his eyes every second. I don’t sit there and tell him I like him or say anything like that. In fact, when he said he would miss me while on his trip, I said, “Well, I’ll be here.” I didn’t even say I would miss him back. I don’t remember how I replied to his comment, but I think I tried to sort of deny it. What do you think that comment could be about? Is that some sort of test or does he really feel that way?

Cont…; October 2, 2013 at 6:09 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Cont…

One thing I noticed about myself on our last date was that I don’t feel giddy about him, and I know it’s because I’ve been reading all of your advice and comments on your blog and because I’ve been pacing myself by not contacting him. I really like him very much, and I still get butterflies, I’m just not lost in my feelings for him. I’m happy about that!

Neither of us wanted to get out of bed in the morning, so we lingered in bed for a while. I was feeling very close to him that morning, and we did intimate physical things that we haven’t done before, but we still didn’t have sex. Afterwards when we were lying in bed, he asked me:

Virgo: Does our age difference bother you?
Me: No... but I have thought about it and wondered if it could cause issues.
Virgo: I’ve thought about kids, and how it only gets harder as you get older, and I know that’s something you want.
Me: And?
Virgo: I’ve wondered to myself, is that something she’ll be ready for soon? I do want kids, but they change things.
Me: Yes they do.

I felt sad, like he was trying to tell me that we wouldn’t be compatible because he wouldn’t be ready to have kids when I was. Or was he just trying to get me to tell him my timeframe to determine if he would be ready when I was? I didn’t say anything else because I was feeling emotional. Also, his timing was interesting. It was almost like because we went further physically, that caused him to bring it up.

We went to brunch later, and I brought up what he said about kids changing things and mentioned that he’s said that a couple of times before. I was trying to draw him out and get him to talk more about his feelings on it, but it didn’t really work. He just agreed and said again that it changes things. The only specific thing he mentioned was that with kids, he probably couldn’t spend 12 hours at a time on his hobby anymore. I asked him if his friends have kids, and none of them do. They’re all about his age or a few years younger. Then he talked about which of his friends want kids and which do not. He said he can see his friends starting to have kids within a couple of years. He mentioned again that his parents want grandkids (like, yesterday), so I know he feels pressure from them, but he said that doesn’t motivate his decisions.

He said he wasn’t sure how uncomfortable it makes me when he brings things like that up. I said it doesn’t make me uncomfortable (which isn’t entirely true), and that I’m interested in hearing how he feels about things like that.

We ended up spending the entire day together until 7 pm, which was unplanned. We sat around the house for a while, he took me to brunch, we did a little shopping and a few errands, he packed for his trip, we napped together. He told me that he liked that I like going out and staying in and just bumming around.

He left early yesterday morning for his trip and he texted me and thanked me for spending “the weekend” with him. It did kinda feel like the whole weekend. Then he texted me during his layover, and we made small talk. Then he said (sorry if this is TMI, but I am interested in hearing your thoughts on his last comment!):

Virgo: I think yesterday afternoon was the first time we laid naked together.
Me: I think so too. It was really nice. Yesterday was pretty fun all around.
Virgo: I’m glad you enjoyed it, though it was a really lazy day.
Me: I think it’s okay as long as we don’t make it a habit. : )
Virgo: Oh I planned on making sleeping naked a habit
Me: We’ll see about that ;)
Virgo: It is yours to give
Me: No response

Cont…; October 2, 2013 at 6:10 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Cont…

He’s now in Europe for the next 9 days so I don’t know if we’ll talk. We’ve seen each other 12 times over the last 3 1/2 months, although that hasn’t always been consistent which is what led me to your site in the first place. I feel like there’s been a shift since we went dancing, and when we’re together, I think I feel him assessing me, like he’s evaluating me.

He makes positive references about the future (getting used to driving my car, sleeping) but I don’t know how much of this is “fantasy” talk or what. Then there’s the potentially negative reference that we may not be on the same timeline when it comes to kids. And he might be right about that. I do want kids, and my window of opportunity is getting smaller. We’re still getting to know each so obviously I’m not ready to start having kids immediately, but I also wouldn’t want to wait more than a couple of years to start. Do I tell him that? Do I wait for him to bring it up again? Do I ask him what his timeline is?

Sorry this is so long winded… I would LOVE to hear your opinion. I’m actually glad he’s in Europe now. A little distance will give me some time to think.

Also, I’m fairly new here, but I’ve read these comments and followed all of your stories from the beginning, and I’m inspired daily by the strength and courage of all of you women, especially Gemini50, HopefulWithMen and chk61 (I know there are others I’m missing). Mirror, thank you for bringing all of these ladies together in such a safe and encouraging place!; October 2, 2013 at 6:10 PM
chk61 said...: Oops, I just saw my typo in my last post. I meant to say "but I am NOW fully committed to silence." ;-); October 2, 2013 at 7:25 PM
Anonymous said...: Dearest Mirror,

I never got to thank you for your advice last time I wrote. Its the girl from Manchester - the one with the abusive Ex who was going out with Mr.T? I hope you remember me and THANK YOU so much... every time write I follow your advice to the T as though it were gospel. ANd every time you are one hundred percent right. Your advice works Like MAGIC - your good work, kindness and positive energy are an inspiration!

I am writing once again as I desperately need guidance. I am sick to the stomach/keep waking up with a heart-wrenching sadness and I wonder if you can give me some advice on how to cope/ if you think this is it for good this time.

The abusive Ex has started using my daughter as a weapon. I made it clear I was having no more contact and he then used my daughter as his final point of control against me. I have just started a new job at college evern though am not even qualified yet as a teacher /still doing my studies and had three major training days. He knew this and was meant to be collecting my little girl (he has an injunction against him and can only go to the gate of my house by the way) but as soon as I said all contact was to go through my solicitor, he said he was not having her any more/washing his hands of her.

He knows I have no family or support so this made my life hell; I almost missed the training days and as my toddler was not in school yet it was a nightmare for me trying to juggle the new job/her. But I managed and have since; he txted a few times demanding to see her and I ignored him (following solicitors advice)

I am going back to court to amend the contact order as he was constantly trying to either keep her from me or wash his hands of her. He also tried to blackmail me, threatened Mr.T (my boyfriend) to ruin my career etc,and I reported all this to the police.

In the meantime Mr.T has been nothing but supportive. He took my daughter and I away on a holiday with his family (difficult at times as my little girl was missing her dad) and has been here every weekend without fail.

He has bought her toys and helped me mind her the odd time so I could work. (not often though I am careful not to put on him)
He s offered to give me money (which down to your advice I have refused) as her father has not given me a penny , and whenever I have said he does not have to be with us/stuck in with me and my little girl he has said heis there because he wants to be (even said it last weekend)

I am going back to court so he and; October 2, 2013 at 7:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Despite having the strain of having her full time (I ve not wanted to get any baby sitters as she s been having nightmares/crying for her dad) when we were used to having every other weekend off, our relationship seemed strong. Mr. T constantly encouraged me to stand up to the ex, and said he would come to court.

He txt me not long ago saying he loved my daughter and I / told me how beautiful I was on Sunday and took her to the park for an hour. She really adores him as I do and he was fantastic with her.

I have to teach on Monday nights and last Mon when I asked if he would mind having her (she asked to have him mind her and not another friend sitter I had rarely used) he was glad to help. He was proud of me and wanted to support my new career/encouraged me for working so hard. I got back and he said shewas fantastic for him

This Monday he said he was happy to do the same. While I was at work, my abusive ex turned up and sent his 12 year old daughter to the door asking for me . When Mr.T turned her away, the ex himself arrived at the door and demanded taking my daughter as it was his other daughter s Birthday.

Five minutes before I was due to teach a two hour class, I got this text:

John's just been and picked up (my daughter) as its (his other daughter's) Birthday . He s dropping her in school tom. Please don't go to the police because its all on my head. I m really sorry I though I d be able to deal with this but I don't want this for the rest of my life. I'm sorry but I just cant do it x; October 2, 2013 at 7:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Besides wanting to throw up and cry at the same time I obviously wanted answers/to call but I had to reserve all my strength and teach a two hour class. How I made it through - and apparently delivered a fantastic lesson - I do not know

I called after and he picked up immediately. I remained calm /was in car with people so could not say much, but I asked the details. My Ex had said if I call the police iy would be on his head. I said I understand him leaving - he s dealt with more than enough as it is - but I didn't get the bit about me not calling the police. Hes encouraged me to stand up against this bully /not let him do as he pleases yet the minute he turns up I am told I can't call the police?

I left it at that and said I got his text just before I had to teach. so he knew I was unimpressed. I said Id callhim later but when I got to the pub it seemed futile; if he had made his mind up I would only be more devastated. I sent a simple text saying 'My daughter and I are not baggage. We are a gift'

I can t believe he did not wait to talk to me in person. I cant believe not only has he left me to deal with this mess high and dry but also that he does not want me to call the police. That he s all for me standing up to my bully ex but the second he meets him he disappers and unceremoniously dumps me . Abondons me and my daughter when we need him most

I spent three hours alone at the station today crying my eyes out/in the worse dilemma. They want me to press charges for breach of injunction/breach of contact order. But Mr. T would have to be a witness.

I tried to call him yesterday to say I was going to the police but he did not answer. I text saying pls call me-ignored. I sent a brief email satying I was sorry he had such a nasty shock but now he knew what I was up against he would understand how important it is to get that man out of my life for good

I e; October 2, 2013 at 7:54 PM
Anonymous said...: and I had to tell police. I said I was just seeking advice at this stage and would not implicate him.

I said he would not have had to deal with this the rest of his life as I was going to court in a few weeks/dust would have settled. and that I was doing all I can in my new career/working as hard as poss to buy a house/move away and start a new life (we have talked of buying together next year)

I ended it saying I did understand if he had had enough. But I did not think he had gone about it in the best of ways.

That was all the communication I have nt called once today despite huge pressure . The police wanted to and I wanted to but my instinct is he just wants a quiet life/ he was just doingme a massive favour and next thing his life is being threatened. SO I don't think he would help (judging by his txt, he wants out)

Noone should have to go through this I know. But to double-whammy me with dumping me and abandoning us as well as not supporting me with the police is unbelievable. He has always supported me emotionally - now he leaves but also expects me to be a sitting duck to my abusive Ex??

I am in utter shock. I ve somehow managed to function and not let my daughter see my tears/been to meetings and teach

I did not call him today as he prob would have ignored me and I did not let the police call him as I think he will just say he s had enough /I don't want him to have to deal with the consequences of my Ex anymore

However I cant get the ex arrested now because of this and am potentially putting myself and daughter at risk . Though its been logged, there is no evidence to say a crime was commited as there is no witness

Part of really does not blame him - but the other part thinks if this is how he really feels, he could have givenme warning or at least left things properly

My aunt is very astute/has seen how good he is with my daughter / says she thinks it s a knee-jerk reaction and he will come back.

Applying the no contact is EXCEPTIONALLY hard for me right now given the fact I want to inform him what I m going through re police/want answers. Has this been building up for some time ? Can he really walk out on us like this and not look back??

PLease please oh wise Mirror of Aphrodite - tell me how to cope. It s our anniversary sat we have a babysitter booked and a beautiful romantic date lined up...

I ve made plans all weekend to be surrounded by friends and go out on Sat as am not expecting to hear back

If Idont hear by next week can I email him my thoughts? Nothing heavy- just express my sadness but thank him for all he has done?

I am so emotionally drained and keep waking in the night in shock. Some frieds are disgusted with his actions others say its understandable as he has had a shock/a nice guy not used to this

DO you think he will come back Mirror? Please tell me this one answer - your intuition is so often right.

I am left heartbroken and devastated and think his behaviour is pretty disgusting - but when it is weighed against all the good he has done it is forgivable. But then do I want a man who disappears in the face of a crisis? I need a man of calibre - this is almost cowardice ?; October 2, 2013 at 8:25 PM
Anonymous said...: He has don't this the odd time before if you recall - Whenever I have used the no contact rule he has come back

I really really thought he was The One. My daughter has been asking for him its not fair to build a bond with her and just vanish...especuially after all the messing about with her dad? We had a future planned - was it all lies???

Oh Mirror please help me I am so, so distraught... please use your insight to tell me if you think hell come back and what he is thinking. He has not evenasked if we are ok - does that mean he does not love me?

He is a Taurus btw.

I am so tired of being strong. When its our anniversary on Sunday it will be so hard not to call him - it took so much out of me not to call him today

Can I email him at least next week? AFter a year we have been through so much - its not right just to walk away leave so much unsaid .

Any tactics for getting through being unceremoniously dumped in your hour of need? I told my head of dept everything I am going through and she said I am coping remarkabkly well. At work I am ok but at night in bed is a different story...

I am heart broken and feel so rejected its untrue. Was this all a lie??

Incredible amounts of love and positive energy to you - your help is worth more than you will ever know xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx; October 2, 2013 at 8:26 PM
chk61 said...: Good news from No Longer Seriously Confused. ;-) No Contact is so much easier for me this time, in fact, as I said above, I am fully committed to it. It's been 3 weeks of No Contact period and over 60 days of No Physical Contact. If he contacts me, I will be coming back here for advice and support but with this one, I'm not holding my breath.

In the meantime, online dating sure is interesting. I just found one of my doctors on the free dating site i am and was rather astounded. This guy is a specialist at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the world and he's on OKCupid. I am tempted to write to him, I liked him and saw him back in May but I doubt he'd date a former patient. I could play dumb and pretend I did not recognize him. ;-); October 3, 2013 at 8:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, a friend and I developed feelings for each other and discussed possibly becoming more than friends. We realized that we were not looking for the same thing so nothing ever happened. I thought things would go back to normal, but no, poof! He disappeared. I don't get it, we are both adults, and had a good friendship. I contacted him after not hearing from him for quite some time, assuring him I wanted to still be friends, but nothing. Is he that uncomfortable around me now? I would have expected this if something had happened between us, but nothing did. We just considered it, and he seemed fine. What's he thinking?; October 3, 2013 at 12:07 PM
pisces girl said...: i feel your pain @ anonymous 8:26pm :( even though i was only involved with this guy for a few weeks-he came on so strong and stupid me actually started to think i might have some sort of future with this guy but i realize now it was all a big lie. I just dont know how men can come on so strong and be so damn convincing and make us believe that we're the only girl in the world and give us all their time and energy only to later disappear.its like they never cared. what troubles me so much and has been keeping me up at night is me asking myself the same question you're asking yourself-WAS IT ALL A LIE????? everything he did for me, everything he said to me.. was it all part of his elaborate scam to get me to fall for his insecure ass to satisy his ego? or was it to get me to fall for him so he could get something out of it and when he realized that wasn't going to happen he just disappeared and all the calls and texts and wanting to see me ceased so suddenly -how can men just walk away like nothing's ever happened and not even apologize or consider how we might be feeling.im so hurt even though im proud of myself that i didnt let a little punk use or take advantage of me but i cant get over not knowing whether there was some truth to the sweet,nice things he was saying and doing or if it was all really just one big lie. maybe he is just a professional con artist with no heart and no feelings and is only looking out for his own good, it troubles me that there are people like that in this world and we'll never know until we've invested some time into them and started to feel something for them; October 3, 2013 at 12:33 PM
Anonymous said...: MAJOR UPDATE!

The abusive ex texted said he was collecting kyla from school even though its not the day in his contact got her order
I got her early and safe to a neighbours
He then turned up AT MY DOOR banging and banging so I hid and called police. I was terrified but about four cars arrived and nailed him AT MY DOOR in breach of his injunction order.
I am over the moon.
Should I ring Mr.T??? I don't know if he deserves th e courtesy of being informed - but he was with me from day one about this ??

Or should I be strong and keep up the no-contact?

Please advise me oh wise mirror xxxx; October 3, 2013 at 12:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 3, 12:49 PM,
"Should I ring Mr.T?"

No dear, I'd leave things be for the time being. He's clearly thrown by all that's going on and has pulled himself out of it, so I would not pull him in at this time.

When he's ready, he'll come around. . .; October 3, 2013 at 1:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Argh = I txted him whilst waiting for your response. Very unemotional though like you taught me - just told him the good news and ended it with :

Just letting you know as we ve been through a lot of this together and at the end of the day nobody deserves to live in fear

I feel at peace after sending it though - think he had a right to know. NOT expecting a response. and certainly not contacting him again!

Pisces girl - I would be worried if that had happened after a few weeks. My guy has done it twice when emotions have run high - MOA kindly advised me to pull back and it worked each time.

I d like to be angrier but he has stood by me when most would have bolted so am inclined to be more understanding

. But yes its wrong just to leave without an explanation; one rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated !

Mirror THANK you for getting back to me - I believe he will come round. I shall leave all in peace and focus on good energy and my daughter

PLease can you tell me ; when he gets in touch do I get back straight away or give it a few days, as you ve advised the lady above?
of Aphrodite
THANK YOU just that one sentence you wrote makes me feel so much better , lovely Mirror. I will keep you posted XXX; October 3, 2013 at 3:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror Sep 28, 3:30 PM here a belated thank you for your response. I kind of knew there was some other stuff on the way so I've waited to post to talk about the latest.

'You should be celebrating a milestone here of properly looking out for yourself and not permitting yourself to be taken advantage of - but instead, you're beating yourself up for that'.

Well I've truly gone and done it now. It is much regret that I'm writing this post, it's an embarrassment, I feel humilated and a total failure on my part to say the least. I can only hope that it might help someone reading and stop them making a mistake like I have made, it is very costly and I've got tears rolling down my face as I'm writing this.

I don't expect any sympathy what I've done is wrong and I've only got myself to blame from the decisions I've made but all I can say is this addiction or whatever it is has driven my behaviour and I've had a fight with myself about it and the weaker part of me has won.

Anyway after my worry about the past on-line dating thing and worried that he might have seen me on there etc. I sent him a text, first blunder I've never been an initiator in this dating thing with him and it's something I've learnt to do as a new behaviour being engaged with this website. God I know there's going to be plenty I write here that what I've done is wrong and am beating myself up about it but I need to come clean with what I've done.

I asked him 'Are we going to see each other again' I just wanted to know and that's why I asked. He replied that he'd like that and then went on to say that he'd not heard from me in a while - so he was basically putting the responsibility on me. I replied likewise and said I thought it was the cat that had caught his tongue and then said feel free to chat anytime and I suggested a free days in advance to meet up. Anyway this all goes ahead.; October 4, 2013 at 10:00 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT
Fast forward to the date, bearing in mind I've already made the mistake of sleeping with him too soon and reaped a lot of these problems due to that. I really can't believe I'm writing this as I was so adamant and strong that I was going to withdraw on the sex front, I even thought before I went out just remember Mirror's advice and principles, in a sense I felt that I was in no danger of not standing my ground and it felt pretty cast iron, I had thought about what I was going to say to him and had it all rehearsed.

I do stay over as it's just too far in a taxi cab financially for me and I don't like to do that late at night on my own when I've had a drink also.

Anyway I didn't even drink much on this night so I can't even blame it on the alcohol. I had that chat with him and all I said was that I needed to get to know him better and that I wouldn't be having sex with him. He seemed to accept this without balking and it was almost as if I could hear the wheel cogs in his mind trying to work out where this had come from. I just said that I'd had a think about it and he said gosh you have been thinking a lot but I didn't elaborate and stuck to that.

Anyway throughout the night it all went to pot and my resolve crumbled, I wouldn't say that he pressured me in anyway but he probably encouraged it and I'm humiliated to say that all my resolve was gone in a flash. I read your post recently about women valuing sex more than themselves and it wasn't even going through my mind that at the time that I desperately needed to have sex, alright I must have wanted to. I really don't know what is going here for me, I agree to your statement but there's something else that I cannot pinpoint that is going on here it's definitely to do with boundaries,probably that I've never had any and the ones I'm trying to construct seem to be collapsing it's almost like there is an overiding force at the time. I would like to get to the bottom of it because I need to do the work here to change. Like I said I was adamant at the time that I was going to enforce this, I even had the chat with him about it and it was fine and so I've just totally failed and I'm so angry upset and confused with myself that I couldn't do this.; October 4, 2013 at 10:01 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT

I was even looking forward to standing my ground that evening, just the thought of it was making me feel empowered, I've really let myself down Mirror.

Anyway it gets worse...we get up and he's getting packed to go back home to Ireland and I see a hair grip by the bed. I see red but I don't go off my head but I challenge him about it. I does sound very bad I know and I do believe his version of events of how it's there, I don't know 100% but my gut I think is that he was telling the truth here.

I can't believe it really spotting this bloody grip just before we were about to leave, really altered the course of communications with each other, I really think that it happened for a reason me seeing this and I don't think it was to let me know that he's been with other women. but I think the conversation that arose from this, well maybe it was meant to happen and maybe it is not as negative as I'm thinking right now but it definitely has altered the status quo and things were said particularly by me that would not even have been brought up at this stage in our casual dating.

It's only the third date but I suppose with staying over it does feel like we've been together longer than the 3 dates.

Anyway so I challenged him bearing in mind I'm in automatic reaction here when I see this and there's no time to be thinking about what and how something should be said.

So basically what I've got on my hands here is the fact that this is supposed to be casual dating, had three dates, shouldn't of had sex...There's an arguement to say that there is no commitment in place and no exclusivity but regardless at that point all I'm seeing is I've obviously getting feelings for him and not happy that he might be shagging around but I don't think he is now I've heard the story.

CONT; October 4, 2013 at 10:25 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT
So what I do say here bearing in mind might not be exact but near enough was something like, what's this hair grip doing here I think I said have you been sleeping with someone else. I continued to say it's entirely up to you what you do,I'm not running your life for you but if you are sleeping with someone else then I want to know about it because I will be gone if that's the case.

He goes back to Ireland once a month and one of his flatmates is a girl and he says she has girls over and they use his room or she does to sleep over when he's not there and the grips probably one of theirs. I know whoever is reading this is probably thinking likely story but I know the set up and I think I do believe what he has said now on reflection...

But at the time I said how do I know that you've not been carrying on and he's said why would I Iie, and I say because you can and I really did to try and get to the truth of the matter and he said well maybe I need to get flatmate (girl) to text you then to explain. He said that I needed to stop panicking and calm down and I was hett up but calm in my communication and I said I'm not panicking and I am calm. He said that he hadn't slept with anyone else and why would he lie about and I said because you can. He also said to me how do I know that you're not, have you? and I said I think you know (name) and I think you know the type of person I am.

But the main thing in this interaction that really upset me and I think now on reflection it may have been just a clumsy male way of putting things but he said to me I'm not seeing you, it's the early stages which on one hand he is right it is the early stages and as I've said many times the before I've got my self to blame for having sex with him too early.

It's not alright for me though for someone else to be having sex with someone else, I know there's an argument that while no commitment or exclusivity is in place that everyones free to do what they please but my point is it is not alright for me and it feels like not looking after me having to accept that, even if for argument sake we'd not had sex, for me personally it would not be alright and I could not take it and would be crushed sex or no sex.

I asked him not to do it to me and if he wanted to do that then I wanted to know as I would be gone. I know you're probably going to say there's is too much emotion here in what's been said and you'd probably be right in saying that too but go easy on me as this was all automatic reactions in the moment.; October 4, 2013 at 10:51 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT

so what really started to peck my head was the fact that he'd said he was not seeing me and I think that what he really meant was that he was not in a relationship with me as he did emphasis that it was the early days and I suppose this is right. but it just all brought it crashing home to me with this communication triggered from finding the hair clip is what an absolute stupid girl I have been sleeping with him and had I been able to stick to my resolve the night before, I would have still been feeling bad about myself but not as bad.

I do feel used Mirror, he may not be using me but that's how I feel because I suppose he's not behaving in a relationship type way with me yet and I suppose technically that is right, given 3 dates, no commitment/exclusivity but I'm just having a difficult time dealing with it and getting my head round it.

Anyway things calmed down somewhat and he's telling me to stop being paranoid and I'm saying I'm not,I'm looking out for myself. We said our goodbyes at the train station and he says to me give me a text in the week and I immediatiely say no you text me and it just sets me off mirror these little things that he's doing/saying. You know why couldn't he just say to me I'll text/call you in the week, there's just no need for him to be asking me to do it and it just is beginning to antagonise me now.

So I get on my train home and it's doing my head in so final mistake and I ring him and just say something like (all calm by the way) I'm upset that I know we are in the early stages but for you to say I'm not seeing you (it's this that got to me really much more than the hair clip scenario) then I don't know if it's over between us, he said that he was stood at the bus station and couldn't speak about it right now and said could we speak about it when he gets back next week, and then I'm not happy about it and he then says to call him at the airport and I said, I've just said all that and why are you asking me to call/text you, why are you asking for me to chase you, you call me, in which he agreed. I couldn't wait long enough and rang (bad move again) he didn't pick up but immediatley text that he couldn't talk right now but would call me later (with no kiss) which sounds a bit petty but I did notice.

I just text ok no worries and I will definitely leave it now for him to contact me and I really don't want to push it, I've done the best I can with difficult circumstances for me anyway and I don't know whether my behaviour has been fair/appropriate or whether I've really pushed with him?

I have no idea what to say about it all now and wondering if I should be going back on-line dating in all honesty given if he's going to say that 'he's not seeing me' (in relationship) but then I would feel like a hypocrite. I mean you can't wait around for a man to decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with you or not but the question here is, how long or how many dates is it reasonable that people should be deciding whether it moves on to relationship status?

Writing this has helped and it has helped to calm me down but made me realise I have been emotional in the moment but I don't know if you can pick this up but it has been extremely difficult for me as before this recent epidsode I've been the cool, fun girl and let him do the chasing believe it or not.

Please could you advise how/what I should say/handle this when he gets in touch.

Thank you; October 4, 2013 at 11:31 AM
KK said...: A positive update on the new man I'm talking to (he’s a Libra)...

Yes Mirror, I did say something along those lines to him about wanting to continue to speak with him. It was clear and he got it. Besides a two day gap in the very beginning, he's been very consistent since and initiates every conversation. He wants to know everything about me, he's funny and he does seem like a good guy. If I sensed any insecurities, I think they would stem from him having 'trust issues'. It isn't severe to me, just seems more like caution - and that's ok. He noted the same about me anyway - and it is true, I am being cautious, I have to be. We all do.

It is obvious that he is attracted and very interested. It's very easy with him, and I'm enjoying it. He has mentioned meeting up more than a few times - an initial 'date', although I wouldn't even consider it a date, more like an initial 'meeting', and then perhaps a date could happen at another time. He was even so thoughtful the other night to want to see me after he was done work and done his 12 hr shift. He was in the neighbourhood and mentioned a 'quick coffee, or bite to eat'. (It was also last minute and really surprised me) I had to decline and said "not tonight, thank you though - maybe another time". He joked and said "You sure? Because I'll be there in 15 minutes". LOL. He always says things like: "I can't wait to see/meet you" "I like you and want to get to know you more". He sends me pictures from work, gives a lot of his time, texts from work. He is very open about everything and at the same time, still asks about me (shows interest in me and my life) And seems to like me, for me!

He has said how quiet I am (that's me being scarce and somewhat mysterious) But I do reward him too when he does something I like/want and am nice and warm and friendly. He said this himself just the other day: "I still want to pursue" - This is what THEY want, and he is doing just that. And then he's cute and 'jokey' another morning (him initiating): "So let me guess... you miss our talks and have been thinking about me quite a bit lately haven't you? :)"
I respond: "You wish! lol. I think it's the other way around :)" Then he says: "Yes, I have been thinking about you. You seem like a really nice person and I really like talking to you".
We were talking at one point about a possible meeting (again, his doing) and upon my refusal (because he seemed to be insinuating 'right now') He said this: "you're just supposed to leave me with a sense of hope and accomplishment, and then I'll be as happy as a pig in s***" - LOL I was still friendly to him and never had attitude or anything, but I see his point in that. So my reply was: "I'm still talking to you aren't I? That should give you some hope". He wrote back: "Hmm well now that you put it that way, ya you're right. I'm happy".
Then we talked about online dating, the different sites, etc. He just recently asked me how many guys I was dating, I didn't get into specifics but was honest, didn't lie or bs. Then it was general again - talked about how it can be fun if it's done right and he added: "But on the other hand, you don't know what's real and who's a fake". (that’s where his cautiousness comes from - I get it) We've spoken before about trusting eachother and being honest about who we are, we've exchanged pictures of eachother, he knows I'm not lying about anything. He mentioned how one girl lied about her age to him and he didn't find out the truth until after the fact (Thankfully, they only had 1-2 dates) But he was 26 at the time and she was 16! (lied and said she was 19). That could have landed him in some serious trouble if the girl wanted to accuse him of anything. Which I know, young girls like that will do and the man is totally innocent.
(Continued); October 4, 2013 at 3:01 PM
KK said...: Small talk the rest of the night, he mentioned 'another time' might be better (agreeing with me), he's just getting over a cold, just getting back to work and his routine after being off on holidays and then followed it with: "it would be nice to get a hug though :)" - I told him "hugs are free! :) Get some rest".

He said himself he just wanted some company and again, wants to get to know me (or continue to). Any subtle flirting or hints at 'affection' is nice, and it's a little cute, he does it in a 'gentlemanly' way. He just wants someone to be with, like we all do.
I'm sure we will meet soon, with a bit of planning in advance of course. I'm in no rush, I'm enjoying this 'getting to know you' period. I'm at maybe an 80% yes, I just need a little bit longer, just so I'm absolutely sure and comfortable. I know it may be only something small, like coffee and not a huge deal, I shouldn't be fussing over it so much. But I was in a similar situation last year with another man who wanted to meet up, talk and have a coffee. It was set up by friends, and there was no talking or no meeting prior (totally blind). We met, he picked me up and took me back home, but later, I found out he was only seeking sex. And had made a comment about me to his friend: "She's nice, but not THAT nice" - meaning, I wouldn't put out.

CLUE: You don't take a woman out for coffee and a 2 hour conversation and then expect sex afterwards. You'd have better luck taking her to a bar and attempting to get her drunk first. That still annoys me! I wouldn't like a repeat of that. And with all the other information given about Libra, I don't think that would be the case - however, there are still some stories out there like that, the man puts in all the effort, shows interest, genuine interest. Takes you out, meets you and then... fill in the blank.

So in this case, I'm curious - Would you give the guy a shot and give the 'go ahead' when he brings it up again? (and I know he will LOL) And as I hit ‘submit’ here, the first texts of the day from him start coming in... :); October 4, 2013 at 3:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 28, 3:30 PM,
"how long or how many dates is it reasonable that people should be deciding whether it moves on to relationship status?"

About 6-8 dates and/or about six weeks to two months. You can't go out on a few dates with someone and know if they're "the one" for you. You have to get to know people first and that takes a significant amount of time. Even at six weeks, you really can't be sure - but you can decide to explore the possibility of a relationship at that point and attempt it.

"I don't know if you can pick this up but it has been extremely difficult for me as before this recent episode I've been the cool, fun girl and let him do the chasing believe it or not."

I realize that dear - but this is happening because you slept with him.

Not to beat a dead horse here, but this is why women need to wait. Because many times, what happens is, when women aren't deeply emotionally involved, they're the fun cool girl. But once they start "feeling" things, they panic. Anxiety sets in. And then that anxiety is acted upon rather than controlled. And the end result is that sex hasn't changed the MAN'S behavior - it has actually changed the WOMAN'S behavior.

And that can change everything. Hence the old saying, "Sex complicates things." And there's no rush to complicate things, particularly with a man who's virtually a complete stranger still.

"Please could you advise how/what I should say/handle this when he gets in touch."

Regretfully, I can't do that dear. Because we have no idea what he'll say when he does. The best you can do is educate yourself and take the tools, insights and suggestions offered here on this site and attempt to apply them as best you can at the time :-); October 4, 2013 at 5:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Dearest Mirror

I am just wondering if you think I could take Mr.T back if/when he does get in touch. His only saving grace is just how much he has coped with/helped me.

My friends are fuming with him- he s left me in a crisis and not once called to see how I am .

I have been looking over your original article and it says if he has done this before then to get rid. He has left me a couple of times before/disappeared completely, as you know . And then come back. You have helped me to understand this is his coping mechanism - thank you so much for that - but is it an acceptable one??

I a m so worried he s gone for good this time. I know you said when he s ready he ll come back and very much hope this is true ; if only to get some answers

Please might you kindly share your thoughts on this matter?

Trying to keep busy and strong/dealing with police and building a court case now against the ex. Tonight s going to be hard - its mine and Mr.T s anniversary we re meant to be going out

Ugh - hurts like hell to feel rejected out of the blue like this - especially with all the other stuff going on.

I love your impartial and non-judjmental advice Mirror

You and your articles are my rock at the moment.

God bless you for being such an angel on earth xxxx; October 5, 2013 at 12:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror October 4, 2013 at 5:49 PM thank you for your reply,

In reference to the time it has been 6 weeks, however 3 dates, so like you say, too early to say.

It's time for me to accept that yes I have slept with him and I know that's why I'm in this predicament to a certain extent but I do need to accept the fact that I have. because what remains is I now have to deal with the knock on effect of that and it's pointless wasted energy me labouring over what I shouldn't have done and I need to focus now on how I handle the situation from here on in.

This situation is not straight forward, I'm suspect there are other dynamics at play which interconnect with the fact that I have had sex with him but equally I think they stand on there own and the fact that they surfacing now is they have been brought to the fore as I had sex with him and hence they are having an avenue of expression.

What I need help with understanding and interpeting what is going on and how to handle it as the crux of the problem that I'm going to explain is not clear and muddied by the fact of the 'casual dating period'. What I'm trying to explain here is there is stuff that I'm about to talk about that could be argued that this is just because it is casual dating period and therefore to be expected and his behaviour is appropriate due to this context versus there is stuff going on here that is potentially manipulating, selfish, controlling and poor treatment.

and I kind of need to now which of the two categories his behaviour falls into because I need to try and get some control of not him but the situation in terms of the way I handle things now for my own sanity as it's starting to affect my mental and emotional well-being.

If it's the case that it's difficult to say what's going on and only time will tell then I need to still find a way of dealing with the problem.

Anyway, before I tell you let me reflect on his last relationship 1 1/2 yrs ago. They do say that whatever is unresolved will resurface in the next. He had relationship they lived together and 5months into that he finds out that she is manic-depressive, he was (maybe is still a bit miffed) angry at the fact that he was not told about this from the off-start. He said had he known he would have ran. Reading between the lines she obviously waited until he was emotionally involved/committed before this was found out. I can't blame her she had every right to a relationship as everyone else does. He said that he would come home and find her rocking on the floor and he found it incredibly difficult to cope with and I think that that it takes a certain type of person to be able to deal and look after someone who has mental health problems and he's not that person but in a way it was enforced upon him and he probably felt trapped to be fair. She was very intelligent and attractive, she lost her job to the illness and he supported her financially at least, I question what emotional support she got from him as I'm unsure of his capacity to be able to offer this. but needless to say he stuck by her and in effect she became dependent. They eventually did split up and he moved onto the couch and even then he still supported her until she got herself sorted and immigrated to Australia in which he said was a massive relief.

So in relation to that I'm wondering whether there is stuff that is coming up in my relations/experience with him. Judging by that story I would not say he is tight with money and ungenerous in giving but what I've started to notice on a few things now is it is appearing that he is a tight arse. I'm not sure if it's because according to him he is not seeing me and it is in the early stages and so he's really not tight but he is a bit reluctant to invest much until he considers it a relationship.

CONT; October 5, 2013 at 8:18 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT

They are little things but I am noticing it now on a number of occasions. He has payed for the dates (drinks) but on the second and third date he came out without enough money and put some drinks on a card, when we got in the taxi he was fumbling around with lose change trying to pay for the taxi and he asked me if a had a pound or so which I did feel a bit uncomfortable with, not an issue with the pound but the principle of him asking me didn't make me feel very nice but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and had a look for it and hung back and he got the fare together. On the second date bearing in mind a get a train and tram to meet him and he either has to get a taxi or walk to meet me. There was possibly crossed wires and I thought he'd be at the station to meet me and he wasn't there. He told me not to panic and that he'd jump in a cab and be there in two mins and then said unless you want to get a cab here and I said no (I'm not happy at this point as flagging up this possible tightness and laziness. And so I waited and when he got to meet me he told me that he had walked 20mins, so even then knowing I was there waiting for him he chose not to get a cab and I felt like by him telling me that he was rubbing my face in it. Anyway we get on the date, he buys me drinks I'm well embarrassed at the bar as the bartender asks me if a want a single or double, I feel uncomfortable at this point so I look to him to say yeah she'll have a double and he say's to me what are you looking at me for. With hindsight I should have just said I will have a double and he would have to of coughed up. Later in the evening he's going on about something in relation to not having enough money on him and using his CC, so that was the second time this had happened on a date of coming out without enough money. Anyway later we start to walk and he asks me if I want to go halves on a cab I couldn't effing believe it and I thought you tight b'stard initially, it made me feel humiliated... I contained myself but I said we will just walk but I went noticeably quiet, he got in the cab and to be fair then he was asking the taxi driver how much it would be and checking if he has enough which he managed to just about sort out. I was going very quiet he kept asking what was wrong, he's an intelligent guy he must have known but I just don't want to be put in these embarrassing situations as it's making me think that he's not valuing me. I'm also suspecting that it is not about the money or tightness but I way of withholding, keeping me at distance, trying to get a reaction out of me and letting me know that this is not a relationship yet.

Now he's got a really good job, he's not got a car but spends a large chunk of his wage on traveling expenses and it is a right pain him getting to and from work in terms of long walks/cabs then train and then again long walks/cabs. According to him his boss in a millionaire but tight and won't pay for a company car but he's thinking he might have to buy one himself as it's a right pain him getting to and from work. He's also paying traveling expenses once a month to go back to his home town and he's just payed £80 train fare to go and see a friend, so he is paying out but I'm seeing a bit of a reluctance from where I'm standing.; October 5, 2013 at 9:02 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT

Like I said rather than him actually being tight, I'm wondering whether it is more an issue of him holding back from the giving as we are not in a relationship. I'm not sure how conscious he is of this behaviour but I am noticing and it's making me feel bad, not special. Also every time we've been out we walk past restuarants and he's saying have you been here, have you been there, ooh that's really nice and I just say no and I go really quiet and then he's asking me what's wrong again and I think he must know he is an intelligent guy, there's not been any mention of treating me to dinner and only the offer of making me something and I feel like he is rubbing my face in it and dangling the carrot but then withholding from giving to me and it's then making me feel upset and then he's saying you've gone quiet, what's wrong and it's the same pattern repeating.

and so the reason why I've related this back to his ex is I'm wondering if there is residual stuff on the fact that he had somebody financially dependant on him but you know this is totally different to taking someone out and treating her like a women and doing the chivilarous thing. but I think somewhere along the lines there is some old stuff that is getting in the way/effecting how is is behaving in our dating relationship. I think, that it is more than likely that he has developed a fear of dependency of other people being dependent on him.

I don't know how many more incidents I'm going to notice, like I said it has only been 3 dates so far but quite a few examples to give you LOL. How I've handled it is going quiet and withholding myself but his behaviour is continuing, whether after a couple of months or so and IF we get into a proper relationship this would change and then he would start treating me like a girlfriend, I don't know at this point. If he keeps on pushing it I could end up blurting out and asking him if he's tight or what LOL but I'm not sure that would resolve the issue either. So what would you advise? Should I just keep on saying nothing but withold myself to make up for his lack of giving?

and then getting on to your point Mirror
'Because many times, what happens is, when women aren't deeply emotionally involved, they're the fun cool girl. But once they start "feeling" things, they panic. Anxiety sets in. And then that anxiety is acted upon rather than controlled. And the end result is that sex hasn't changed the MAN'S behavior - it has actually changed the WOMAN'S behavior'.

I've got a worrying feeling that I'm being emotionally manipulated and it concerns me to think that he may be encouraging insecurities, panic, anxiety and a means of being in control. Again I'm not sure how much of this would be conscious. I also think that it could be related to his past relationship especially with her having mental health issues, he will have had direct experience of maladaptive mental processes in women.

CONT; October 5, 2013 at 9:49 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT

What worries me is that he maybe rubbing my face it in by withholding things and himself to get me feeling like this so he has the upper hand and then telling me not to panic, almost like encouraging emotional dependency and I don't know how to manage this situation now.

It's little things like he keeps mentioning that he's got weekends planned for this that and the other and it almost feels like he's trying to get me in the position of wanting all the time and rubbing my face in it and I'm wondering if this is a bit emotionally cruel or not or I'm letting my mind run a bit wild.

There's been a couple of other odd random things like in the middle of the night I had a headache due to alcohol and I just got some paracetomel out of my bag and he asked my what they were and I immediately sensed that he was on alert as to what I was taking and I think it is in relation to his ex with mental health issues here who perhaps needed medication.

and then we got off the bus and I thought he was by my side but sensed he wasn't and so looked around, just a natural thing really and he said don't panic I've not run off and I thought that was a strange thing to say. He also was saying that I was panicking over the hair clip thing and has mentioning about me thinking too much analsing etc. and yeah I do get anxiety with this type of a thing in relationships but to be fair he is giving me a lot to think about LOL.

I just hope that he is not trying to cultivate these insecurities in me. I did have a relationship once whereby it became apparent in the end that this person was actually getting off on the fact of the pain he was causing me when he was keeping me at arms length and withholding and then sitting back and getting enjoyment from it. Sick f'ker

So with the recent guy, I really don't know whether he himself due to his past experience is testing me out and putting me through the paces to see if I turn out to be anything like his ex before he decides whether he wants a relationship with me. Just writing that now does resonate.

How best can I deal with this situation is it best that I distance myself a bit in reaction to his witholding as I get the impression that if I did say something it could eithher drive him away and give fuel to the fire and/or feed the possibility that he is trying to hook me in by playing on my insecurites.

Thank you; October 5, 2013 at 9:49 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror!

I am going to dinner tonight in town. Can i not txt Mr.T and ask if he wants meet for quick coffee ? I can offer to bring his stuff...
I need closure . This is making me ill!

Please please can you get back to me - its our anniversary today. Is it so wrong to txt asking for closure? Xxx; October 8, 2013 at 3:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 8, 3:00AM,
You can do whatever you want dear. But if you want me to sit here and go against everything I have learned and believe in and tell you, "Oh yes, do call him, do pursue him, do ask him out on a date and do use your trip to town as an excuse to do it" - that's not going to happen.

If that's what you want to do, then go ahead and do it. But don't ask me to go against everything I've written here on this site and tell you to do it. At some point dear, you're going to have to begin taking what you've learned here - and applying it yourself to your own life. If you read your latest comment, I'm sure you will see the desperation in it. If you pursue this man while in a state of desperation, the chances of it going well, are slim. Desperate people do desperate things - that usually end up backfiring. Which is why I do not advocate taking any ACTION when in a highly emotional state of mind.

He's come back before, he'll be back again. You've already experienced that, so I'm not sure why you're panicking this time. If this man cares for you, once he's taken the space he needs, he'll be back. And if you care for this man, you will LET him take the space HE NEEDS before returning to you.

My suggestion would be to practice to self discipline and work on your coping skills. What coping skills have you put in place to deal with the ups and downs of life? How do you burn off the anxiety that comes with those ups and downs? Because it's much healthier to burn it off than it is to act upon it. So figure out ways to burn off that anxiety, whether it be walking, running, shopping, talking with friends, a hobby - whatever it is, call up and use those skills right now to get you through this period. If you do that, it'll help to manage the anxiety and before you know it, I imagine he'll reappear in the next month or so :-); October 8, 2013 at 8:37 AM
Anonymous said...: You are right. I will do all of the above and have remained strong. I am desperate ; its pathetic! You are right I need to get back to the gym .

THANK YOU for taking the time out of your life to help me Mirror. I love you! xxxx; October 8, 2013 at 10:03 AM
pisces girl said...: Mirror if someone comes on here and asks for your advice and then turns around and does the exact opposite then she will suffer the consequences of those actions and be right back here even more broken hearted and confused and asking you what to do next when all she had to do was stick to her guns, be strong and do nothing. But I really think its hard for us women to sit around and do nothing and as we get older and see our friends getting married and having babies I think a lot of us start to feel that desperation and think we must do something and take the initiative to get results. We think of love the same way as we think of school and work and that thinking is wrong and twisted but 'modern day' females even older women will tell us its ok to contact a man and initiate communication with him, that if we really do care for him we have to do something because we surely wouldn't want him to end up in another woman's arms. But I've learned from past experience (and this site) that a man is going to do what a man wants to do and even if he's physically with us it doesn't mean that that is where is heart at and he could very well be having an emotional or physical affair with another woman so ladies don't be fooled and try to reel him back in because even if you hook him for a while he will eventually unhook himself and swim away freely. If a man genuinely loves you and wants to be with you he doesn't need a push or nudge or reminder that you exist -he would move mountains to be with you so surely he shouldn't have any problem picking up the phone and asking how you're doing, making sure you're ok and still alive and any man who doesn't have the sense to do that is selfish self absorbed and could care less about anyone but himself -like Mirror says not good boyfriend or husband material! Before I stumbled across this site I didn't realize how many mistakes I was making and in efforts to bring a man back to me I was in fact actually pushing him away and stressing myself out. Im at home sick today I think my body and mind is telling me to slow down and stop stressing so much and stop trying to plan every minute detail of my life and my future. I think if we keep trying to be our best everyday, everything will fall into place the way its supposed to. Thank you Mirror for your sisterhood and teaching us how to honor and value ourselves and never succumb to anyone's bullshit games and manipulations. Very thankful!xo; October 8, 2013 at 12:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
It's really a very simple equation dear - confidence attracts, dependence repels.

The more confident (in yourself) that you are, the more men will be attracted to you (find you interesting). The more dependent you are (on them), the less attracted to you they will become (loss of interest).

And we all know that psychologically, it's human nature to find things we don't understand (can't predict the actions of) more interesting and exciting than things we fully understand (and can predict the actions of).

So instead of stressing and worrying about whether or not your actions will be understood by a man, it's actually more to your advantage to give him plenty of unpredictable things to think about ;-); October 8, 2013 at 12:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Yes anonymous, get back to the gym! That's what I did and it saved my sanity. I even spent a sick amount of money on a trainer to make sure I showed up- ended up being worth every penny. I was the one on the treadmill with tears rolling down my face, but no more! :); October 8, 2013 at 1:34 PM
pisces girl said...: I always read over your posts twice or more to really soak it in-that's definitely something I will always keep in mind! it really makes sense! because we're attracted to men who are unpredictable and we cant seem to understand -so being unpredictable and scarce can be easily applied for women and drive a man crazy because reality is they are thinking about us way more when they have no idea where we are and what were doing and who were spending our time with-some might call it playing games and to be honest before I used to think that way too like 'I don't wanna play games and I don't want this boy to think I don't care about him- im just going to text him' and its ALWAYS ended up backfiring even if he was responsive or it led to me seeing him -it just never felt right knowing that it was ME who had to make that happen and realize later he was all for an easy hook up situation. I guess lazy men don't mind when something comes to them easily and with little or no effort on their part but who really wants a man like that anyways! that lazy entitled man who makes you feel bad about yourself will never be a good life partner or husband. I love this quote by Dr Phil: "It's better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else."; October 8, 2013 at 2:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Oh boy ladies!! Careful who you hand your number out to in line at Starbucks, LOL. This act of pure ego and silliness just hit the airwaves today and has already gone viral:

http://www.latimes.com/food/dailydish/la-dd-instagram-starbucks-video-20131008,0,3189556.story

Can anyone say - WTF, SERIOUSLY DUDE??!!

Clearly this man thinks VERY highly of himself ;-); October 8, 2013 at 4:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
I know to many it may appear as "games." However, when folks refer to game playing when dating, they're generally referring to things done out of malice, with bad intention. I do NOT advocate these tactics for malicious intent.

But I do advocate these tactics to:

1) draw people to you for positive intent
2) drive away men that have bad intent (for you)

So there is a fine line and it must be used wisely and for positive purposes. Scarcity in and of itself is one of the 9 Laws of Persuasion:

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/TristanLoo4.html

"The law of scarcity states that when a person perceives that something or someone they want is in limited quantity, then the perceived value of that which they desire [say a person] is greater than if it were overly abundant."

So when used in that manner, it represents positive intent. (Just don't take it so far that you hurt others.)

Abundance (of you, your time, your attention, your availability) = Decreased Value

Scarcity (of you, your time, your attention, your availability) = Increased Value

This is the relationship example the man who wrote the post I shared above provides:

"If I went to a party with my girlfriend and she picked up an interest in talking to other guys there instead of me, then my interest and perceived value in my girlfriend would increase dramatically because of the implied scarcity that I have attached to her."

And that's straight from the horses mouth (a man), LOL ;-)

"that lazy entitled man who makes you feel bad about yourself will never be a good life partner or husband."

Exactly. And you know why?

Because a partner like that will BRING OUT THE WORST IN YOU (makes you anxious, causes you self-doubt, makes you fearful, makes you feel desperate, causes you to feel bad about yourself, causes you to act out in desperation, etc.)

So your goal when dating is to find a match that BRINGS OUT THE BEST IN YOU (makes you feel secure, makes you feel confident, makes you fearless, makes you feel independent, makes you to feel good about yourself, makes you act emotionally balanced, etc.)

Which is why the minute a man starts to signal that his "modus operandi" (method of operation) is to emotionally manipulate you and bring your insecurities to the surface to make things easier on himself - just shut him out of your life. No second chances, no benefit of the doubt, no kind displays, no excuses - just RUN.; October 8, 2013 at 5:13 PM
pisces girl said...: you are absolutely right Mirror and when you're with a man (or trying to hold on to a man) who brings out the worst in you it makes you do some very foolish things and you start not liking the person you've become -that sad, fearful, angry, desperate girl who's sitting around waiting on a man or worse obsessively calling and/or texting him instead of living her best life. Also that negativity permeates into every other aspect of your life because these 'men' are like a disease that spread rapidly and can deteriorate you and suck the life and energy out of you-literally. The only cure is to stay on the asshole/loser/user/manipulator/disappearing man free diet and beginning making a full recovery back to wellness and health(I do love analogies!) i'm so happy you touched on those points because you couldn't be more right men will either do one of those two things-bring out the worst in you OR bring out the best in you. But truthfully Mirror and I myself have been guilty of this-a lot of females are addicted to drama and usually the nice good guys don't bring with them a lot of drama so there is a sort of pay off for staying with the one who doesn't bring out the best in us and even though that pay off is negative if we are truthful with ourselves we realize there is a reason why we put up with the stress, frustration, hurt and heartache and its not just because we love them because deep down we know they will never make us happy but we just love the drama because without it our lives would be so mundane ,average and boring. But the older I get the more I realize life is hard enough and carries enough drama and stress as it is and I need someone to make my life easier and less stressful not harder!; October 8, 2013 at 10:11 PM
Sonia said...: Reading all these stories is a total eye opener for me. Would really appreciate if you could take the time out to read my current dilemma as its been something that I have been going through for the past couple of months.

I was/is in a long-distance relationship with my Libra boyfriend for the past one year. We met through a friend's contact list. He happened to see my picture and added me onto his Blackberry and started contacting me. I was charmed and we decided to meet physically in Thailand. It was a beautiful 5 day trip and one of the happiest memories of my life. We laughed, romanced, joked and when I look back at it, I smile thinking how much fun we both had. 5 days went by and we both had to leave. He went back to Abu Dhabi and me to Sydney. It was emotionally difficult for me to leave as the thought of not being able to see him did break my heart but I believed that we did have something special and a few months apart wouldn't hurt. I could always travel, come see him and vice versa.

We stayed in touch over the phone. He would always call me, message me and I was reassured from time to time that he was in love with me as much as I was in love with him. After a couple of months, I noticed that our communication pattern was changing. He would call less, message less and at times disappear for weeks without even letting me know. I was confused, shocked and didn't know how to react. He would text once in a fortnight and I would text back. He would call and I would respond. It wasn't the same as it used to be but I was reassuring myself that he is probably busy since that's what he told me.

Months went by and I had the desire to come travel and spent some time with him in Abu Dhabi but he would always tell me how busy he was and it would be difficult as he wouldn't have time to see me. Few months went by and I had no communication from him. I sent messages, he wouldn't respond. I knew something wasn't right. I sent more messages and he would only respond with a smiley face. I was in total confusion and hurt as at one point, he was so into me and all of a sudden he acts like I don't even exist. I was totally upset and I told him that if he isn't feeling the love anymore, he could just let me know and I will not bother him. I told him how upset this made me feel and at times I did lose it emotionally by sending him emotional texts and that's when he broke up with me and told me to leave him alone.

A month ago, I needed to go to Abu Dhabi via Paris with my Dad. I had sent out a broadcast text to all my contacts saying that I wouldn't be in Sydney and would be in Abu Dhabi for a week and then off to Paris and if they needed to contact me, here's the number. As soon as I landed, guess what?! I got 2 missed calls from this particular Libra who had broken things off. I was completely surprised. If I had read this article earlier, I wouldn't have responded but I DID. We decided to meet and so we did.; October 8, 2013 at 10:33 PM
Sonia said...: Continued....

We met up twice and he told me to not discuss the past and we should move on from here. The two days were perfect. He took me out for drives, bought me coffee and we laughed, joked, romanced and held hands. I felt that things were moving on the right track. After the two days, we kept in touch by texting each other back and forth. I did wanted to meet him for dinner, lunch, etc but he said that work is taking the toll on him and he doesn't have any free days to come by to see me. I didn't make a fuss. I told him its fine and work is important. I flew off to Paris without seeing him and we still kept in touch via text. He never called after meeting me but we did texted. As my flight was via Etihad Airways, it had an Abu Dhabi stopover.

I decided to stay back for 5 additional days there to indulge in shopping and also with the hope that he would come see me if he had the time. He told me that he couldn't see me as he had to travel to another state for work and I would be alone in Abu Dhabi. I was a little upset but didn't throw a tantrum. He knew the date and time I would be leaving but never sent a text to wish me a safe flight. I was hurt as I didn't really expect much from him but a phone call to say have a safe journey or a text would have cheered me up.

Here I am back in Sydney again and guess what.? I haven't heard from him. I did text him twice but after reading this site, have decided to go MIA as that's exactly what he's doing all over again.

I'm sorry for such a lengthy post but this has been eating me up emotionally and mentally.; October 8, 2013 at 10:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sonia,
Cease all future contact with this man dear - unless you're okay with the occasional "hookup" that he's offering. Because based on his actions, that's what he wants. Regardless of what he SAYS, his ACTIONS indicate this, so that's what you focus on, not his WORDS.

He's only going to participate in this when it's convenient for him and if he feels like it. He's not going to be boyfriend or husband material for you regretfully. Someone here in the comments left a link to an article where men were discussing "e-maintaining" a woman - and how to do that via technology, while at the sam time, doing whatever the hell they want with other women. Don't let that be you dear. You deserve better than this. Take it as a valuable life lesson learned, delete this man's contact information from your phone and never respond to another communication or "hookup" invitation from him ever again. Do not permit him to use you dear.; October 9, 2013 at 10:02 AM
No longer seriously confused said...: Laugh and smile often. I absolutely love love love you!!! Everything you post on this thread is healing and life-changing:)
I've been lightening up a lot about the whole topic of relationships and not being so hard on myself or others.
Anyways just wanted to share some love for the ladies here in this group!!!
Have a beautiful week!
xx
No longer seriously confused; October 9, 2013 at 12:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, what would you suggest in this case? I met a man on-line over 2 years ago and we had an amazing connection but he disappeared on me after 3 incredible dates. I contacted him a couple of months later asking for another try because I felt there was something so good there. We went on one more date and he disappeared again. We never slept together. A year and a half later I contacted him via email and asked what caused him to lose interest in me. I wanted an honest answer because I was now dating someone else who was starting to pull away. He called me and we talked forever and I found out the reason he disappeared was because he found out I have gotten cold sores before (not the STD kind). He said he realized how shallow it was and he doesn't know why it was such a big deal to him and said he was sorry he didn't just tell me at the time.

The twist is he's now a super relgious born again christian. From player to christian, go figure. We saw each other as friends a couple of times for movies and had several discussions about religion. I said it was as friends but obviously the feelings were still there for both of us when we saw each other. He said he would pursue a future with me but only if I was a believer. I'm not. Sometimes his texting would start to verge on sexting but I would just stay flirty, suggestive too I guess. After one night of naughty texting on his part he told me the next day he couldn't talk to me anymore and had to get closer to god. He apologized and wished me the best. I said I understood and wished him the best. I was sad but I respected his wishes. It's been almost 2 months since then and he emailed me a couple of days ago telling me he hopes I'm doing well and he thinks about me so much in his weak moments. Then he asked me to send pics of my booty! I did that 2 years ago and told him it was a mistake when we reconnected and that I would never do that again.

Anyway he didn't actually disappear on me this time. He took the time to explain why he couldn't talk to me or be around me anymore, too much temptation. Is it ok to respond to his email and just not acknowledge the picture comment?; October 9, 2013 at 12:56 PM
pisces girl said...: just a correction to my last post-that says truthfully Mirror and I have been guilty of this -I didn't mean to include the 'and'! and Mirror I think your advice to Sonia is spot on -that guy sounds like a total user and JERK!! he's not making you happy and he NEVER will! don't bother waiting around for him because you'll just be wasting your time. He didn't even have the decency to wish you a safe trip because he doesn't care-he was looking for an easy hookup situation at HIS own convenience and once he got that from you he disappeared. He's an idiot. Sometimes we ladies forget that there are BILLIONS of other men in this world-smart, funny, sexy, successful men -so many options to choose from but we don't see that because we stay fixated on loser idiots who have nothing to offer us but crumbs and we stay latched on hoping for more-but what you see is what you get so time to stop deluding ourselves. I just wanna become the best version of me so that I can find someone who is at the very least an equal and will appreciate everything that I have to offer.; October 9, 2013 at 2:32 PM
chk61 said...: 30 days no contact tomorrow. I had a first date with a new online dating prospect tonight. We had a pleasant time, for a first date, but he asked me a few times "are you having a good time?" It felt forced, displayed his insecurity, and of course, I said yes, but I wish he hadn't asked me this. It turned me off. :-( I don't like to admit that. He was a gentleman and insisted on picking up the check. I will go out with him again, if he asks,...but admittedly, I'm already kind of "meh". Oy.

Came home, thought about the guy who I have had no contact with for 30 days. :-(

It's OK, I made it to 30. I'll make it to 60, I'll make it to 90 and then...who knows? Hopefully I'll be over it. Times does take care of these things. I am absolutely committed to NOT initiating ANY contact. I am strong, and I will remain strong. I am worth it and I am better than that. HIS LOSS.

Thanks Mirror, I love your site and your teachings!; October 9, 2013 at 9:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 9, 12:56 PM,
You can do whatever you like here dear, however. what's the point? It'd be a waste of time and effort due to the fact that you already know this isn't a long-term match. So the more time you spend focusing on him, the less time you're spending focusing on another man who may be a better match for you, ya' know?

Additionally, breaking up with someone over fever blisters is really ridiculous and immature. In addition to that, things aren't lining up with me for him. Meaning, he's saying he's a devout Christian now, then he turns around and asks for inappropriate pictures which is disrespectful to women. After that, he experiences guilt and pulls away. So I imagine he's wrestling right now with some inner turmoil about who he is and he's trying to find himself in a way via religion. As a result, there may be lots of inner turmoil centered around the issue of sex for him. On the one hand, he's human and has desires, on the other hand he's trying to lead a Christian lifestyle - and the two are somewhat colliding for him, causing inner turmoil and erratic behavior. That's not something you need to get caught up in.

You already know that this relationship has no future. So just keep in mind the amount of time you're investing into it because as I said, the more time spent investing in something/someone that has no future - the less time spent investing in something/someone that does.; October 10, 2013 at 8:47 AM
Sonia said...: Thank you Mirror for the support and guidance. I'm 23 years old and I shall definitely take this as a learning experience. Its hard to believe that someone who I believed was a harmless soul would knowingly cause me so much emotional stress. Spoke to another friend of mine who told me I should be neutral about the situation and text him once in a while just to see if maybe he would come back and realize that I could perhaps be the one. I trust in you Mirror but with so many different perspectives on this situation, what do you think I should do? He works in the Police and could it be that perhaps he was genuinely busy and couldn't spend time with me? Sigh.; October 11, 2013 at 5:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sonia,
"Spoke to another friend of mine who told me I should be neutral about the situation and text him once in a while just to see if maybe he would come back and realize that I could perhaps be the one."

This is a topic often brought up here. And while your friends do have your best interest at heart, the reality is that doing what they advise - rarely - if ever works, LOL.

Think about it. What your friend is basically saying to you is this:

"If you don't remind him that you exist, he's going to forget about you because you're so insignificant, he won't even remember you unless you constantly remind him you exist."

Do you think that's a good message to signal to a man? Or to anyone for that matter? No, definitely not. Why? Because it reeks of "desperate" and "low self-esteem" - and being desperate and suffering from low self-esteem is NEVER an attractive quality - to anyone, male or female.

But you know what that behavior WILL get you?

It'll get you used. Yep, used. Why? Because when a woman throws herself in a desperate manner at a man - he WILL take her up on her offer and sleep with her. . .and then he'll disappear without a word. Why? Because he was never interested in the first place, but the woman constantly throwing herself at him was just too tempting to pass up.

So before you start signaling that type of thing to a man, think very hard on the repercussions of that. Because when women behave like that and they get used as a result, it's very hard to then turn around and blame the man for using you - when you, yourself, made it so very easy that, in a sense, you were almost "asking for it." Know what I mean?

Don't offer yourself up to be used. And don't initiate communication like that. The only way a woman can truly know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if HE pursues HER (via repeated and consistent communication and requests to see the woman). If you don't believe me, consider this piece, written by a man and straight from the horse's mouth:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; October 11, 2013 at 8:36 AM
Sonia said...: Wow, speechless to be honest. I couldn't agree more. There's nothing more than I want than to be pursued, appreciated and adored by one and by reminding someone that I exist speaks volumes of how insignificant I truly am in his world. I am not one to sit and cry around. Life is too short and beautiful for that. I do feel that I am slightly healed and with great work coming up, im sure i'll be able to move past this. I guess the best thing for any woman to do is to constantly work on herself. I have set high standards for myself and never will I put myself up to be used again knowingly or unknowingly. I will cease communication from him, but should I cease communication from his friends as well? One of his friends is a friend of mine and im not quite sure if I should continue that friendship or keep it in the back burner for a while.

Love,

Sonia; October 11, 2013 at 8:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I've got this guy who I've known for a while, initially from on-line dating, it's long distance we were supposed to meet up in the beginning and then later on and it never ended up happening. I think he had some previous relationship that was unfinished so I let him go and continued to date. He got back in touch recently and said he still wanted to meet up and that he was now free to do so and enquired to my status. He is in touch with me sometimes once or twice a week but occasionally once every two weeks. Although the temptation is for me to try and move this forward is there in the background I'm not going to. So at the moment he is initiating and I am responding and I want to know what is best to do.

I think that maybe I shouldn't put my eggs in one basket and just observe and let it run it's course, while I continue to date but what do you think about when he contacts me once in two weeks? Is that ok given the context? The last time I just waited two hours to respond, is this ok or should I be making him wait longer bearing in mind this is not even off the ground yet and could not be classified as casual dating early stages as we have not even met. So I'm wondering if the once in two weeks contact is ok and appropriate?

thank you; October 11, 2013 at 9:29 AM
Life is short. Smile often :) said...: Hi Mirror, hope you're having a fantastic week! And HAPPY FRIDAY! :) I wanted to give you a quick update from our last conversation. So I have not texted him back whatsoever and have been enjoying my life and meeting new people. I've also been trying new activities and have been thoroughly enjoying myself and fulfilling all my needs which is SO WORTH every minute of it. You get such a sense of clarity and perspective of life and the people around you so once again you are RIGHT about everything. Anyways I got a text from him again out of the blue. He went on this messaging app that I use quite often to talk to my friends to message me to compliment my picture... He hasn't even apologized or acknowledge why he disappeared. It's so weird because he never messages me on there as he has always contacted me through text. Is it safe to say Mirror that he is trying whatever it takes to get my attention since I've disappeared on him? Is there anything I should say or just keep NC? This has been his 3rd attempt now... Thank you Mirror for everything!! God Bless <3

Life is short. Smile Often! :); October 11, 2013 at 5:59 PM
Sandy said...: Once a female has chased a guy or been at his beck and call for a year then he disappears for months after. Can he ever respect her, go back to her if she does not contact him and follows your rules?; October 11, 2013 at 6:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

Your insight and website blew me away for the last 1 week since I have discovered it. All my life, I had long long time relationships. They both squeezed me of all the love I thought I cold give. Recently got single. Im in my middle 30's and almost not knowing a single thing about what to do about myself. I am quite attractive from inside out. :o) I have that self confidence up and running but I know NOTHING but nothing about men. I am brazen enough to say it after reading you!!!!!!

Gosh...... I'd give anything to be your friend. Lol. Ok now that sounded creepy......... let me get onto my recent story.

So....... I met this guy online few weeks back. Our flow was just right, for one week we would constantly get glued to chatting via our phones after the dating website became redundant. More like a game we said let's meet after just one week of chatting. Idea came within 24 hrs of us chatting.We met on Sunday and by Monday we knew we wanna meet up. (We were EVENLY into each other, so I thought......)

Said and done. After a sweet talk of a week we met. He was damn cute, took me by surprise, smart, good looking and all that. We were a bit shy in a healthy way, we spend the day together in a new city that didn't belong to us, on a neutral terrain I picked up and he agreed to.

Now....... the highlight of that day was spending 4 hours on a bench in a beautiful setting we both loved, while talking about stuff, laughed and the banter..... Him putting his arm around me and touching my hair with his lips after asking me if does not bother me. Sweet huh?

Later in the afternoon he started to hint at my lingerie a bit as we were touching that subject a bit via messages, I have allowed it via text but still................. in person I shut his questions down in a sweet way and he had to let it go.

He was also asking me to bring me home by car. We live very far from each other .......4 hrs or so our meeting was middle way ground. I told him I'll go back by train as I came. He was not pushy and that I liked. He is actually pushy in a subtle confident way if that makes any sense. That gives me the HOTS FOR HIM, DANG IT!

Anyway, he was about to leave the country for work the second day, he works abroad, one month then he gets one month free back home.

That date night............. two hrs after we said our rushed "good byes"......... he texted. I was smart enough to not do it first, instinctually. Little did I know that still I was about to make mistakes...as I was not aware of all these rules you talk about here. Anyways further down the line our texts were fairly neutral "thank you for a lovely day I really had a good time bla bla".

Also luckily ..............instinctually I started to mirror his behaviour. Little did I know that a smart Mirror on the web would recommend the same thing. :D

Two days further down after we met during afternoon our texting flow stopped to a halt. He was abroad 3 hrs from where I live at work and quiet. I know he was where he was because he kept sending me pictures. So I am convinced this guy does not lie about how he lives and his job. So here I am .........craving for him......it gotten so bad the first week, my heart skipped a bit after he texted me after 3 days of silence. But he texted me cause I texted him last I think. I had no clue. Why the sweet banter went away. I felt not good enough, not pretty enough all that jazz that the ladies here talk about......

Stark contrast to him texting me non stop during our infatuation one week period.

I started to google. It took me another 4 days to find you or so. Found other advice websites before......... but yours BLEW my mind away. I keep repeating "patience", "scarce" and "high value" constantly!!!! Is it creepy that I LOVE you? :) You are the friend I never found just by writing so beautifully and caring when it comes to us women.

Thank you!!

notwannalosemywings; October 12, 2013 at 5:41 AM
Anonymous said...: While reading your stuff assiduously, and ignoring the bastard my screen phone lights up! A text from him! I had an epiphany moment, your advice WORKS! I started to devour your replies to other people. I know you have a heavy load with many of us here......

But now I am stuck again.... So he kept messaging me for the last 5 days almost daily finishing his texts in questions, sounding friendly and a bit testing waters with me. I mirrored the hell out of his behaviour copying his every move. 2 days ago we were chatting even not just texting and we had a bit of banter going on. He told me this "I am hitting the gym so hard these days, you won't recognise me when you see me". The guy was nicely athletic and buffed anyway, between you and I :)
And I replied, "Oh you know I am sensitive don't talk about it :P" And he sends me a picture, abs and all, so sexy damn it, why did he have to be sexy....asking me, "Will this make you be sensitive?" It was a decent one though. I didn't react right away to the picture! He kept checking his phone for my reply, thank god for the "last seen" feature!!!! to tell me that.
I didn't wanna exaggerate with time elapse to my response, so after half an hr I replied with a joke "Yup that will do it. You need to foot my doctor bill when I get high blood pressure". He "laughed". then I switched on talking about nonsense for few texts further on and left it there. notwannalosemywings; October 12, 2013 at 5:46 AM
Anonymous said...: No contact 24 hrs. Woke up with an idea though, me feeling sexy and confident I took a sexy decent shot of myself and sent it early in the morning to him. Saying something funny along the way. The moment he woke up he blew my phone with text. Calling me sexy and all that and said "I'm actually coming home for the weekend and leaving on Sunday again for another mission with my work". I joked saying that the pic was inspired by him. He said he hopes to inspire me futher bla bla.
Then he asked "plans for this weekend"? I said funny but not this weekend despite offers coming in.
He said "me neither, no plans for this saturday only tonight (Friday seeing friends and such)".
Now, I made the big mistake of not letting that convo there. I replied "with your awesome friends and new cool house (he bought a new house and moved in the week we met, videos he showed me made me believe that )I bet you will have an agenda filled in for you".
He stopped texting after that. Nothing, although checking the messages the whole day through while travelling back. nO tell me please, how silly am I? Me answering for him in a way. notwannalosemywings; October 12, 2013 at 5:47 AM
Anonymous said...: ps: He, during our texts vaguely says things, "when we will see each other" or "I'd like for you to wait for me at the airport when I am back " or "pack light when you come visit me where I work" in a jokey vague way. I never ever reply to those hints because I feel they are not serious and I act like I didn't hear them almost. HOW can I bring him to want me? What do you think he wants from me? Sex I guess but even for sex, he didn't try to kiss me, just my hair and hugged me for a good 2 hrs or so. I am muddy confused....... I was expecting he says let's meet up on Saturday!! I am dumb I know.

I took your advice and keep busy chatting with few other guys too so I do NOT obsess over this guy! What should be my next move?
Help, I am going to devour your words of wisdom!
thank you.....
ps 2:You said not to be available to him anyways....scarce rule....What to do with this player? He is active online still on the site we met, i am mirroring him doing the same we both know it but we do not talk about it.Signed,notwannalosemywings; October 12, 2013 at 5:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Life is short. Smile often :)
Don't say anything at this point. The communication he's just sent doesn't demand a response. It's not a question and it's only superficial interaction. What gets a response is an apology and/or an invitation to "talk" from him. Otherwise, leave him be and let him feel his way around. Deep down inside, many of these guys know what's necessary, know what they should be doing. But it takes a while for them to move into that space and prior to that, many do try shortcuts first.

Just continue doing what you're doing right now and let him figure out what he needs to do ;-); October 12, 2013 at 8:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @notwannalosemywings.
"What should be my next move?"

Nothing dear. YOU don't make the moves, HE does. He's the man, let him be one, let him lead. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if he pursues her. So give plenty of space to let that happen.

A woman here yesterday made a very good, very true, point. Women experience "feeling" and fall in love during the encounter periods, times spent together. However, men experience "feeling" and fall in love - during the periods of absence, separation. If you don't give a man space, you're denying him the opportunity to "feel" anything for you. So give space always, never smother, never cling.

Or as .38 Special once sang, "hold on loosely" (just reverse the gender roles there, LOL):
http://youtu.be/eyhMgXmR3w4

What you need to remember here is - you're both on an online dating site. So you need to realize he's dating others and you should be too. I watched a program the other day and several of the men in it, when polled, said they generally don't even start THINKING about dating a woman long term until after approximately one month. Like they kinda look at the first month as "fun and games" only and if come the second month, they're still dating, THEN will start to CONSIDER a long term relationship (which is another reason it pays to wait 30 days before sex ladies.) So in the very early days of dating, it's absolutely necessary to "hang loose" in a sense.

Don't try to push this along, don't try to remind him you exist and don't stress over this. Keep enjoying your life as you are, continue dating other men, and wait to see if he pursues you :-); October 12, 2013 at 9:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 11, 9:29 AM:
"I'm wondering if the once in two weeks contact is ok and appropriate?"

Yes, at this early stage, it is acceptable. However, given that he's never actually followed through with an actual meeting or made solid plans with you to do so yet, that's a bit of a red flag. His ACTIONS aren't lining up with his WORDS. So there is a possibility he's looking for a "text buddy" at this point, which happens alot online with men. It's like they want a bunch of women to communicate with to impress their buddies or themselves, it's really odd, but it happens.

"I think that maybe I shouldn't put my eggs in one basket and just observe and let it run it's course, while I continue to date"

That's exactly what you do dear. You don't take yourself off the market because this one man, who's a virtual stranger at this point, is texting you. Stay on YOUR path, do not get distracted, and keep moving forward. If he's genuinely interested, he'll catch up with you ;-); October 12, 2013 at 9:13 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous Oct 11, 9:29 AM:

Thank you for advice I will do that and continue what I'm doing. Can I just clarify that my response time is ok and appropriate given that you said his contact is acceptable at the early stage, for example, on the time that he did leave it two weeks to contact me - I waited two hours to respond. So I'm just checking that if it's acceptable his contact at present, then is my response? As I'm getting the vibe that it is not appropriate to be giving out consequences but I want to know that I'm handling it properly :)

thank you; October 12, 2013 at 10:30 AM
Gemini50 said...: @KK,
I just read your 10/4 post. You sound great! As I read, I thought, "enjoy, enjoy, enjoy." :-)
Hugs!; October 12, 2013 at 2:44 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, I am so thankful for your input. Gosh, I was refreshing the page the whole day to read your sweet words of wisdom. May I come here one month later and let you know? :)

Till then ....I got one more of those desperate woman questions :P From my story, do you think he is interested in me at all? I'm sorry I ask a dumb question but because I think he is a big time player.... I need to know if he has the slightest interest in me... :( Still no contact till now, he is so online the whole day on whatsapp, but I do NOTHING just like you told me to!

I will hold onto your words......

Notwannalosemywings; October 12, 2013 at 5:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 11, 9:29 AM,
Yes, when it's very early in the relationship and it's still very casual and there's been no disrespect from the man, that response time is appropriate. The point early on is to not look too eager to a man, because when you do that, it can actually turn them off in the long run and/or cause them to take you for granted.; October 13, 2013 at 10:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Notwannalosemywings,
"do you think he is interested in me at all? I'm sorry I ask a dumb question but because I think he is a big time player.... I need to know if he has the slightest interest in me"

If your gut is signaling to you that he's a big time player, then I'd say he's not worth it dear - and you should listen to your gut. Players hurt women. It's what they do, even if it isn't their intention. They swoop in, make you feel real nice at first, get their needs met (usually sexually), then disappear. And while they may think it's no big deal and that's just how people date today - that's not the reality. The reality is that that is very painful and it leaves scars. And the men who complain the most about "messed up women" out there, are usually the ones contributing to the problem and creating more "messed up women."

The bottom line is, players to NOT make good boyfriends, lovers or husbands dear. They just don't. They're generally selfish and insecure and as a result, think solely of themselves, which doesn't make for good "relationship" material because a relationship requires self-sacrifice and thinking of others.

Players are "good time guys." They are not future husbands, lovers or boyfriends. They're "boy toys" at best.

So if your gut is already signaling that this guy is a player, if I were you, I'd run. I would not wish that for myself because an experience with a man like that - will most likely only leave you hurt :-(

So be very careful what you wish for here dear.; October 13, 2013 at 10:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
I've been on a not-so-merry-go-round with a man for quite some time. Recently, it seems to have progressed...or there are signs it is progressing, such as spending more weekends together, spending time with his son, etc. However, he will go for ten days or longer without any communication. We have not had the "talk" about where this is going...I feel if I try to have that talk, it will be over and done with. At the same time, I have no security and I do have anxiety that he is in flirtations/explorations with other women. I don't know that for sure, but the thought bothers me. Sometimes I think I should go no-contact, but we have known each other a long time, share many friends, etc, so it would seem rude. But on the other hand, I suspect he'll freak out if we have the 'talk." What should I do?; October 13, 2013 at 11:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

How much you got me thinking, how wisely you put it..... I need to print your answer and carry it with me at all times in the coming weeks. :) Be blessed...

I will always read your website....

Notwannalosemywings; October 13, 2013 at 12:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

I have no interesting update for you but I´ve decided to write regardless. The player has contacted me by phone since our meeting about my broken bike. In the phone conversation I thanked him again for the bike repair and offered him a compensation. He said it was okay and I don´t have to bother about it. I haven´t heard from him since.

Today I´ve been cycling - ALONE. I spent an amazing day in the nature and on the way back home I stopped for a delicious coffee at a sunlit terrace of a bistro. I´ve had a wonderful time. I´ve experienced one of those rare moments when you are in total harmony with who you are and where you are in life. I´ve forgiven everybody including the player - at least for today lol. I´m not sure if this state of mind will last but I feel at peace with everybody and everything at the moment.

May this atmosphere of inner peace and serenity touch you all at least a little bit through my writing. I wish you all the best and have a nice weekend, (-:
HopefulWithMen

P.s.: Gemini 50, you haven´t written for quite long. I am curious about your news. I bet you must be busy with some new men, aren´t you? (-:; October 13, 2013 at 4:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA...
I decided to take the NC rule to another level and just changed my number a few days ago without telling him. Afterwards, I deleted his contact, pics and all texts out of my phone. Do you think this was too drastic? My friends said I went overboard and should have just blocked him (did that before and he called from a different number) but I'm just tired of this whole back and forth game with him popping up in my life whenever he feels like it. So, I decided to just change my number and move on. If it's meant to be, it will be and if he truly want me he knows where to find me.

~ Taurus/Cancer Venus Gal; October 13, 2013 at 8:56 PM
KK said...: @Gem - Thank you! It's just finally so nice to see and know what a genuinely interested man is, a very sharp contrast from what I've had before. All of us can have that, if we put the work into it and follow everything to a tee. I am much happier. I have some days where I feel like I'm in shock - "Is this really happening?” I really want all of the ladies here to experience that as well. We deserve it!
I'm finding myself reading some comments here though and being reminded of the past, my own past behaviour with Pisces. It isn't a terrible thing, I just tend to experience some of the same emotions as the other ladies tell their story. It makes me sad for a bit, but then I'm actually thankful that I went through what I did and learned from it and know that I won't ever go back there again! - We last spoke 2 weeks ago (he initiated) It was friendly I guess, but nothing is really there.

I met the Libra shortly after that and we set up a date a few days in advance. In the past week, we have seen eachother 3 times. He is always very antsy and excited to see me, asks to see me, all the checkmarks are there. He said himself that he feels really good around me/I make him feel good. He just stopped by the other night on his motorcycle 'just because' and wanted to see me again, I invited him in for a drink and we sat and talked for about an hour. Very open, honest conversation he started - about relationships. He was curious about me and any other men before him - Pisces did come up, after hearing about him, Libra shook his head and blurted out "Sicko!” Then he revealed to me that he was married and has been divorced for 4 years now. Went into some more detail about it, but he was willing. Then at one point he just had enough and said it was making him feel miserable, so we switched topics. We talk about family, travel, things we want to do in life, goals, etc. He seems ready for a girlfriend/relationship/commitment. I've told him I didn't want to rush things though - need more time, need to really be sure, and this was after he asked me if I wanted to go to Mexico with him for the holidays. On one hand, that would be a dream to me, we've both never been out of the country, it would be new and fun and exciting. But also, I don't know him that well to say yes to that right now, or even as soon as Christmas - I think it's fine once you're 'established' as a couple, (maybe 6 months to a year). We had a conversation afterwards about 'counting your eggs before they hatch - putting them all in one basket'.

He is a bit of a tester though, not in a manipulative way, but sneaky - just to see how far he can get with me, how much crap I'll take, how flexible I can be. There have been a couple times where I was bothered by this, but then laughed to myself - it's just me trying to adjust to his personality. Also very spontaneous, does things without thinking or planning ahead and organizing - that can piss me off, because I am very organized and always feel like I need a plan, and if I feel like I don't, my whole day is shot. He does make up for those things though, so it works out alright in the end LOL.
He's learning what I like and don't like, and he is trying to be more mindful. As am I with him and his 'quirks' - this is what it's all about. Overall though, I have no 'big' issues or complaints, he's a good communicator, hard worker - all those qualities I want are there, along with the consistency and pursuit from him.
In fact, I noticed he makes more time for me than Pisces did, both men work the same shift (12 hrs or more) 5 or more days a week. He spends his free time with me, on days off or even before work. And Pisces was always claiming 'he's so busy'? So is Libra, but his actions show something different (interest) - that's all the proof I need right there.; October 14, 2013 at 1:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 13, 11:35 AM,
If this isn't making you happy, if he isn't making you happy, and you've given him more than enough time to move this along and it still isn't going anywhere - you don't need to "talk" with him about that. You just need to explain to him that this isn't making you happy and that this isn't what you need, and as a result, you've decided to move forward, without him. Talking to him will only provide him the opportunity to lie to you and continue to string you along. YOU taking ACTION however, will get his attention and if he has anything important to say to you, he'll do so at that time.

You can't change a man, you can't make him love you or want a relationship with you. Talking to him will not aid you in any of that. If he and this situation do not make you happy or fulfill your needs, then you make the decision for yourself to move on without him and to find a man that will make you happy.; October 14, 2013 at 8:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Read KK's comment above gals. THIS is why you DO NOT sit around and wait for a man to decide if he wants to be with you or not. THIS is why YOU make that decision for yourself - so that you don't waste time waiting on a man who's mistreating you and/or taking you for granted while missing opportunities to meet a genuinely interested, good man.

The longer you wait on a man that's mistreating you to "come around," the longer you're keeping yourself from meeting a good man.

Instead, take your happiness into your own hands, make the decision for yourself to move forward and find that happiness - and you never know - it may be just around the corner :-); October 14, 2013 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Hopefulwithmen

I loved your last post, inner peace is what I work on right now......; October 14, 2013 at 1:18 PM
car @carlamholden.com said...: You gotta watch this video ladies!
Mirror I would love to know what you think about this.
It's's called
Let Them Walk
All about letting the people who CAN walk out of your life...GO.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pketb6gxR3w

POWERFUL!

Love
xx
Car; October 14, 2013 at 2:23 PM
Pisces Girl said...: "You can't change a man, you can't make him love you or want a relationship with you. Talking to him will not aid you in any of that. If he and this situation do not make you happy or fulfill your needs, then you make the decision for yourself to move on without him and to find a man that will make you happy."

Thanks Mirror we all need to hear these reminders -it really is that simple but in our minds we stay hopeful and think if we hold out we can get him to come around and realize he loves us because we have feelings towards him we think he should one day reciprocate those feelings and there might not be anyone else vying for our time and attention so we just obsess over him-the one who's not making us happy or giving us what we want or need.
I watched an episode of Dr Phil on Youtube last night where a crime of passion led a young 24 female desperate to keep her boyfriend in her life lie about being pregnant claim the baby was his and then abduct a newborn to show him 'his' baby -her plan didn't pan out she got sentenced to 10 years in prison (served 2.5) and now has a criminal record and people judging her. Dr Phil was pretty hard on her too but I really couldn't help but feel bad for her! she seemed like an otherwise nice normal girl but I think any female who's been in love or thought she was in love has done some pretty crazy things maybe not to that extent but if youre not in a healthy frame of mind and things get out of hand its like this snowball effect that has you spriraling downwards until you literally hit rock bottom. She mentioned how she felt like she had lost a lot and couldn't stand the thought of losing him-not every girl is strong and can hold herself together that's why I really like that you always mention coping skills and walking through the pain until you come out of it. Theres a quote I like that goes "if your going through hell keep going" I think stories like hers although extreme serve as a cautionary tale for the rest of us and shows us what happens when you lose everything including a piece of yourself to a man who doesn't deserve it and isn't even worthy of you. She paid the price and will continue to while he gets off scotch free -he made her feel used and she gave him money he never paid her back total user jerk- too bad she didn't find your site before she did all of that she could of saved herself a lot of grief! :(

Happy Thanksgiving from Canada!; October 14, 2013 at 2:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Carla,
Amen, LOL!!

"When people can walk away from you, let them walk. . .because YOUR destiny is NOT tied to the person who left. . .people leave you because they're not joined to you, so let them go. . .you have to know when people's part in your story is over, so that you don't try to raise the dead - just know when it's over. . .if you tried to make it work and it didn't work - it's no accident [it was meant to be]. . .stop begging people to stay - let them go."

So VERY true, ladies - give that some thought - and do not hand over a decision about your future - to someone other than yourself.; October 14, 2013 at 4:01 PM

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