"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Dating: What Does It Mean When He . . .

Whoever said that dating was fun obviously isn’t dating in today’s modern age. Let’s face it, men and women are both behaving badly, treating each other poorly and manipulating one another’s emotions. Have a look at the hundreds of comments left on “Experiences With A Taurus Male” and you’ll see how prevalent this behavior has become. Granted, those are women sharing their experiences, however to be fair, men are experiencing a lot of this as well.

Do you find yourself, much like Alice In Wonderland, attempting to peer into (or jump through) the looking glass, desperate for answers, while the man in your life seems to care less?

I get a lot of questions posed to me from the post referenced above. And most of them are women attempting to decipher a man’s peculiar behavior. But what most women don’t realize is that this behavior generally isn’t peculiar at all – it’s more or less reality – fact. And once you come to understand what this behavior means and why it’s happening, you can see the player, the mama’s boy, the opportunist, the liar and the cheat coming at you from 100 miles away.

When men behave peculiar towards women, women have a tendency to blame themselves. “What did I do?” “Should I not have said this?” “If only I didn’t . . .” And I’m here to tell you to stop all of this at once. A man’s peculiar behavior generally has very little to do with you and more to do with him.

Here’s the question to keep in mind as you read the items below:

“What does it mean when he . . .”

Asks For A Commitment Too Soon

This generally means he’ll vanish as quickly as he appeared. This is not Prince Charming gals, this is a man waving a giant red flag in your face. Chances are he’s insecure, needy and suffers low self-esteem. He’s learned, through a series of painful mishaps, that it’s much easier to pretend to want the real deal than it is to do the work necessary to create a real relationship.

This guy is insincere and he’s not genuine. How could he be? How can anyone be with someone they really haven’t had to the time to fully get to know? He wants to hurry this process along so he can get in and get out just as quickly.

BEWARE: He'll compliment you, he'll act as if he's really interested, he'll communicate regularly and with gusto in the early stages and he'll come on very strong at first, speeding things right along.

So fast that you'll never see it coming. It’s the ole “sweep her off her feet” method . . . that generally ends with him dumping you on your ass. This guy is emotionally immature and lacks the social skills necessary to interact in a genuine manner – so he fakes it. Be very leary of the man who is all too ready to commit.

Takes My Number, Gives Me His, And Doesn't Call

I see this one alot because too many women are the pursuer these days and it has led to a whole new generation of lazy men when it comes to dating. Stop being your own worst enemies, ladies!

You want a man to woo you and treat you like a lady, yet, many of you chase him like a man (exhibit masculine energy), which keeps him from lifting a finger for you - stop this! Make a man rise up to the challenge, never call a man first, ever.

If you give a guy your number and he can't man up and ring your phone - move on, it's a big red flag. He's either not into you (but if you call him, he'll still sleep with you before moving on) or this one has a sense of entitlement and he's waiting for you to do all the work; he's seeking a needy woman (to walk all over). He's wanting you to be the pursuer. Don't pursue or you'll end up his doormat. At the very least, a man should always make the first phone call and ask for/plan the first few dates and if he really likes you, he'll be excited to do so. It's ok to make the first move initially by showing him interest in a subtle way (a smile, a wink, starting conversation with him) but never be the one to make the first real move towards him. He'll instantly label you as desperate and he'll never ring your phone, rather, he'll sit back and wait for you to come to him - always.

How you go about the first few conversations and the first few dates determines ALL future interaction and sets the tone for the relationship from that point forward. If you start out as the pursuer, he'll take the role of the pursued - and he'll never put an ounce into you or the relationship.

Calls Me Babe, Honey or Dear Right Away

This is someone who is easily able to be insincere. If you’ve just met and you’re already his “babe” then this one’s a charmer - player. He knows how to manipulate a woman via her emotions and he will generally do so across the board (i.e. with waitresses, with you, with female friends, with your friends – any woman standing within 5 feet of him.) Some men don’t mean to use this as a tactic of sorts as they generally just refer to women in this manner all the time. The thing you need to focus on here is that these terms of endearment are only really genuinely felt by him when the relationship itself becomes genuine. So if you’ve been dating a week or two and you’re already his babe – you should take that with a grain of salt. Don’t believe you’re actually his babe because if you notice, so are all of the other women he’s in contact with. He’s a schmoozer and seven out of ten times, he’s a loser as well. Don’t read anything more into it.

Ignores My Calls and Texts For Hours or Days

This one is a bit trickier but there are ways to break this behavior down into its true meaning. If he does this on rare occasions and then apologizes or acknowledges his lapse upon his return, he’s probably a good guy who was just busy, cut him a break. If he does this repeatedly and is unapologetic about it upon his return, chances are he’s hiding something. It doesn’t have to be another woman, it can be drug use, alcoholism, a boys nights out and the like. The difference here is the apology. Men know when they are behaving ignorantly and a man that really likes you will feel bad about it and apologize. A man who doesn’t have genuine feelings for you will feel he doesn’t have to answer to you. If a guy does this repeatedly and also apologizes for it repeatedly, yet does it again and again, chances are he’s a flake who will drive you mad. The only time you should be tolerating a man ignoring calls and texts is in the first example listed here. If the other two seem more akin to your situation, you’re better off disappearing off his radar for good. And if you do that, do it without an explanation or a quarrel – just disappear. Never treat someone like you’re priority while they’re treating you like their option.

Doesn’t Explain Why He’s Ignored Me

This guys is a shady individual at best and when someone acts shady, there’s one of two things generally happening. 1.) He’s hiding something 2.) He doesn’t feel he has to answer to you. Neither of which are signs of a genuine budding relationship. A true gentleman has nothing to hide and should have no problem communicating or openly sharing what he’s been doing the last week or so with you. Now if you’re tearing into him about where he’s been, you could be the reason he’s shutting down on you so don’t do that. But if you mention casually, just as you would with friends, “Hey, whatcha’ been up to?” and he bulks, gets fidgety, begins to look away, acts nervous or stammers with “Um, oh I. . . ahh. . .” – you have your answer. And don’t press for more here because you really don’t want to know the truth, trust me.

Says He Needs Space and/or Isn’t Looking For a Commitment

He’s not into this. It doesn’t mean all hope is lost, it simply means he’s not there yet. When a man pulls this once, you can overlook it and deal with it by – disappearing. This is where you employ the “no contact rule" of dating and you become scarce to him. If you push by texting, calling, etc. you’ll make his decision for him. If you exercise restraint and give him space and fall off the face of the earth, he’ll begin to question his decision and you’ll actually be prompting him to make a healthy one by providing plenty of space and room for him to breath. You’ll also be much more desirable in his eyes by appearing to be an independent, not co-dependent, woman.

Says He Wants to be With Me But Doesn’t Make Time For Me

He’s stringing you along. A man who genuinely likes you will not behave like this because he doesn’t want to lose you and because he actually WANTS to spend time with you. When a guy’s words do not align with his actions, it’s a big red flag that he’s bullshitting you. The best way to deal with this chap is to again, fall off the face of the earth. The next time he calls, he’ll go to voicemail and the next time he texts, he gets no response. Period.

Doesn’t Want To Spend His Weekends With Me

If this happens in the early stages, then that’s a bit normal. People like to move into committed situations slowly while maintaining some healthy independence. However, if it’s the third or fourth month you’ve been dating and this is still happening, then this is the guy who wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. This one always reeks of control issues to me. He wants you – but only when HE wants you. He’s going to control this thing from beginning to end and it’s his way or the highway. You don’t have time to sit around waiting for this fool to see the light. If he wants to hang out with his boys at a “sausage” party (a room full of men) rather than spend time with a hot girl he’s dating, then ladies, shove him off to the ole sausage party with a bag of buns instead. He’ll never be the man you want him to be and you’ll always be playing second fiddle to his selfishness, control and ego.

Was Dumped By Me and Wants Me Back

Many times, I’ve found that this one means he’s had time to think and he came to the conclusion that he may have been a real jerk. That’s not always the case, many circle round simply for sex and you’ll need to ferret that out by making him wait for that upon his return until he’s proved he’s genuinely sorry and has seen the error of his ways.

See, when you back off and give men time to think and you initiate “no contact” as a result of their bad behavior or ignorant treatment of you a funny thing happens – they come to the same conclusion that you did – that they were a real jackass.

Men are human and they have emotions and they know when they’re behaving badly. You can let this one back into your life, but you DO NOT pick up right where you left off with this guy.

With this one – you make him START ALL OVER from square one. A man that genuinely likes you will be grateful for your compassion of him and he will know that he has to start over and that’s exactly what he’ll do. You treat this one as if you’ve just met all over again. He takes you to dinners, he waits for a one to two month minimum for sex , he makes phone calls and sends texts all in a timely manner to communicate with you – anything short of that and you throw this one right back into the pond.

Dumped Me and Wants Me to Take Him Back

This one is the one you really need to watch out for. Unlike the situation above, he did the dumping. If he’s already had sex with you prior to the dump, then nine times out of ten, he’s suffering a dry spell and it’s your turn in the rotation of women he has. You do the same with this one as I suggested above in the scenario where you dumped him. You make him start from scratch. No exceptions with this one – from scratch, gals. If he bails on you a week or two into it, he was back for sex and you dodged a bullet here. If you take him back with open arms and shower him with attention, you will be initiating the disappearing, reappearing man syndrome.

Doesn’t Talk About What He’s Been Doing When We’re Not Together

If you’re not tearing into him about what he’s been doing and he’s acting distant none-the-less, then that’s a red flag. He doesn’t want to talk about what he’s been doing because he feels it’s none of your business and he knows you wouldn’t approve. A true gentleman wants to share his life with you. A shady player does not. Even if the shady player has simply been hanging out with his boys, he feels it’s none of your business. This is a sign to you that he’s emotionally unavailable – run.

Doesn’t Apologize For Being Rude or Ignorant

He doesn’t feel he has to answer to you and he’s not sorry because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong because he feels it’s none of your business anyway. Not a good sign, gals. He’s not worried about losing you – and you shouldn’t be worried about losing him either. It’s time to leave this one high and dry. He’s disrespecting you.

Acts Distant and Starts To Pull Back

This one may have something to do with you. Have you been pressuring him? Poking around about how he feels about you? Poking around about where you stand with him? When a guy pulls back and becomes distant sometimes it’s not because he’s cheating. Sometimes, it’s because he feels smothered. However, there are times when a relationship is just over. Either way, the best thing to do when encountered with this situation is to follow the advice listed here.

Speaks to His Ex Girlfriend(s)

This is a hard one that requires a bit of observation over time. Many times, when people have been involved with one another for a long period of time, it’s hard to just simply cut them out of your life. But then again, I believe that in these situations, one of them wants to be more than just friends. Here’s how I look at this, if they broke up years ago and they only touch base every so often to catch up, then it’s probably over and they’re simply remaining civil with one another. However, if the breakup was fresh (a year or less) and they’re confiding in one another, sharing problems with one another and in constant contact with one another, then they’re still in a relationship of sorts in my opinion. It’s one thing to remain civil and friendly towards and ex, it’s a whole other issue when they’re still connected in intimate ways and sharing intimate portions of their life with one another and leaning on each other still. And if that’s the case, you remove yourself from the equation. No one wants to be caught up in a painful love triangle and it’s hard to compete with an ex that there are still deep feelings for – so don’t bother doing it.

Only Call or Texts After 10 PM At Night

This is getting into booty call territory (especially after 11PM and onward) and chances are, you’re a woman in his rotation of several. There are times when a man’s work or job occupation may come into play here, in which case, that’s acceptable. But if he’s not giving you quality time and he could be, that should read to you that you aren’t a quality woman to him, you’re just another fish in the barrel. Don’t take those calls and don’t answer those texts. You get back to him the next day or a day or two later and you don’t offer an explanation as to why you weren’t available at that hour. You let him think about that one. And if you do this and he responds after 10PM again and doesn’t give you quality time during the peak hours of his day – then be gone booty master. You’ll never be important to him and he’s showing you that.

He Doesn’t Ask Questions: Where You’ve Been, What You’ve Been Doing and About You

This is somewhat obvious but one of the best ways to spot an insincere player. He doesn’t ask because, frankly, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what you’ve been up to, who you’ve been with or to know anything about you. A man who genuinely cares will show you. He WANTS to know what you’ve been up to, who you’ve been spending time with and he wants to know about where you grew up, how many brothers and sisters you have, etc. If he’s not asking, he simply doesn’t care – and neither should YOU.

A Little Inspiration

Ladies, dating is tough and it takes it's toll. I think this lil diddy is appropriate. Keep your chin up and don't worry about the fools in life:

"When you gonna realize, that you don't even have to try any longer. Do what you want to. . ."

And for any men reading this, guys, it works both ways. If you’re experiencing any of the above from the women in your life or the girl of your dreams, then you want to follow the same advice listed here for women. Tolerating disrespectful, ignorant abuse and treatment from someone is nothing anyone should be doing – man or woman.

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Anonymous said...

Greetings Ms. Aphrodite!

I've been reading your posts regarding dating men (mostly Taurus men, who I personally believe are very true to their sign more than any other sign in the zodiac) and what I've gathered thus far is to mirror his actions EXACTLY. I also read your article post about disappearing/reappearing men and I must sadly admit that I've always done the total opposite of your humble but stern advice on how to handle the disappearing man. But the good news is that I'm learning and maturing when it comes to my dealings with men, only after realizing my worth as a woman and most importantly, a human being.

Another good word of advice is that once a woman shows a man that she is afraid of losing him and will do mostly anything to keep him, he'll show his funky ass! I was guilty of this and I know other women that made the same mistake and that's how I know it to be true. So, ladies, NEVER let a man know that you are afraid to lose him and your life will be nothing without him. I'm sure you agree wholeheartedly Aphrodite Bull! :)

Thanks for all of the time you put into helping woman deal with men in this sucky dating world. Keep it coming because there are many ladies out there who you are helping even if they don't post a comment. You are appreciated :-)

Best wishes,

Your polar opposite

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

See! You're getting it! Yes, mirror a man's behavior to the absolute TEE. That old saying, "Treat others how you would like to be treated" - yea, that doesn't apply these days. If you do that, people will walk all over you.

So I say, "Treat people the way they treat you." Plain and simple. And if they start to whine, you simply point out that when they act that way towards you, you don't freak out - so why are they? (hehe ;-)

Trust me, men "get" this. They know when they're behaving badly, they're human. When you begin to treat them as they treat you, a funny thing happens. They don't like it and if they like you, they'll stop it and get "real" with you.

You have to set boundaries. What IS and ISN'T acceptable - right from the start. If you give someone an inch in this day and age, they'll take a mile.

And yes, by all means, NEVER, EVER let a man know your world revolves around him and that you're afraid to loose him. Because if they hear that, they'll test that boundary with you (it's human nature to do so unfortunately) and they WILL cause you pain.

Know your value, demand respectful treatment (not through demands but through actions - i.e. rewarding good behavior and showing consequences for bad behavior), hold your head high, always leave yourself lots of options, keep busy and maintain your own life . . . and men will follow you around like lil puppy dogs.

Nothing is more alluring to a man than a woman with confidence, a bit of a mysterious attitude - and no fear.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And I might add that just the other day, a man referred to me as "bullish" in nature. Yep, that'd be me, Taurus the Bull.

But you know what? He chuckled when he said it and admitted that he secretly like it. His exact words were, "That's a good thing."

So you see, they like to be put in their place when they behave badly. They really don't want a woman to roll over and play dead. They can't respect that and honestly, I think it's the reason they "test" women the way they do.

Secretly, I think they're looking for the one that will give them a run for their money :-)

Anonymous said...


I agree with everything you said.

Men want you to call them out on their bullish. We sometimes think if we come across as being mean or bitchy they will run, but it’s actually the other way around. If a woman truly knows her worth she won’t stay around and continue to be emotionally and mentally abused by any man.

I have a good guy friend and he has told me numerous of times that women really have the power and control and all we have to do is learn how to access and use the power to get what we want from a man. So…there you have it,
straight from a grown man’s mouth.

You’re right about men being very attracted to confident women who have a life of her own. Once a man sees that you are enjoying your life with or without him, he’ll want to be a part that in some way. Always being available and responsive is not a good look at all. I believe this is why Bulls have women chasing them, same goes for the women. You Bulls have been blessed with the gift of silence, something I wish I had at times but I’m working on it. Lol! I read somewhere that Scorpios and Bulls wish they possessed some traits that the other has and I think that is true.

I sensed that my guy friend was becoming distant and unavailable and one day last week I asked him to come by and he told me he was busy. So, after processing his behavior and actions towards me I immediately fell off his radar, as you put it. I stuck to my guns and told myself that I deserve and I refused to reach out to him. I knew I was serious because I was a little tipsy over the weekend and I still remained silent. This is foreign behavior for me so I was very proud of myself. Fast forward to this evening…I’m sitting here actually after reading your comment and I get a text from guess who?!? You got that right…Haha! It wasn’t even a full two weeks. He asked me if everything is ok. I’m going to take your advice and wait for a few days to reply. I know his head is going to be spinning because I’ve never gone this long without contacting or responding to him. I feel very in control of myself and the situation.

Thanks for your input and time! :D

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Doesn't it feel excellent to be in control? Not necessarily in control of the relationship, but of yourself and your emotions? It's very empowering.

I had to laugh . . when he asked if everything was alright. Translation: "Why aren't you chasing me down? Why aren't you blowing up my phone?"

So you see, it's working. He's now questioning himself but the real beauty is that he's thinking of you. Give it a couple days. Chances are he'll start missing you. And that's exactly what you want.

But to do this properly, when you do speak with him, no mention of why you disappeared. He'll ask because he's perplexed. You simply say cheerfully, "Oh, I've just been really busy is all." If he asks if anything is/was wrong, you say, "Not at all." You don't engage him in battle or share your feelings at all.

You keep him guessing and he won't be able to stop thinking about you :-)

Anonymous said...

Yeah I definitely feel in control of my emotions. I want my equal, so you’re right, I don’t want to be in control of the relationship. I laughed too when I read the text. Some men are comical, aren’t they? I’ll bet that he’s already guessing. I’m going to definitely take your advice on what to say when he asks me where I’ve been and what’s wrong. I’ll keep you posted on how things pan out.

Thanks again and have a great weekend! :-)

Anonymous Sagg said...

This was very helpful Aphrodite Bull and thanks for directing me here. As for my feelings about my Taurus though I really do still desire him I am ok if it does not work out. For some reason when I sent him that email I felt closure. I felt that what will be will And for once was alright with that outcome.

I would never have gotten through this emotional roller coaster not that the ride has ended Lol but I do see the end and a in a much happier place. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

@ Aphrodite - Update from my last post 6/22

Long story short...he started acting distant and again so I texted him basically telling him that I'm going to leave him alone. He replied back saying that he still has feelings for his ex and apologized if he has been stringing me along. Although I think that's just a bullshit excuse for not telling me he doesn't want a relationship. I never replied and it's been over a week. I'm so crushed. I really liked him. My emotions and feelings run so deep and it's making it hard for me to get over it. I want to say something but I think it's best I remain silent and move on. Some guys are so deceiving and misleading. I somewhat blame myself because I should've seen it coming. I was good to him and this is the thanks I get.

tryin2getitright said...

Thank you so much Ms. Aphrodite.
It has been two weeks since my boyfriend stopped answering my calls and texts. After the second day of no responses, I stopped calling and texting him. I am so proud of myself. In past relationships I always gave in after a few days. I have to admit though, it is hard not calling or texting this last guy to ask why. Having a better understanding of Taurus men, now I realize I was probably being played by this guy anyway.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No worries, the fact that you're here reading up on the subject tells me that you know what's happening isn't right - and now you're deciding what to do about it.

That's a good start.

I must admit, and you may have already realized if you've been reading other articles and comments here - that I'm not a big fan of telephone, texting and pursuing men. It only ends up leaving the woman in the position of doing all the work to keep the relationship going - and then, it doesn't provide any clear answers as to how he feels about you - because he isn't required to lift a finger.

If you hang back, stop the calls and texts (even when you're dating the guy) - you won't have to wonder or question anything. You'll save yourself lots of grief and worry. Because if he likes you - he'll pursue you like a real man should. If he doesn't, you have your answer and there's nothing left to be concerned about.

When a woman does all the work, the guy gets off easy.

I have a feeling this one will be back. And before he returns, please, please read the piece here titled, "The Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do." I would recommend you definitley follow the advice there and not respond immediately to him or shower him with affection when he does return. Never reward someone for behaving badly. If you do, this cycle will only continue indefinitely.

I'm proud of you, too. And you know what? You don't need to know why. All that matters is that he's disappeared. The "why" really doesn't matter as I'm quite sure it had nothing really to do with you - and more to do with HIM or what he's been up to. So don't worry about the why - he'd only lie to you about it anyway.

So prepare yourself for his return and gain your strength to stand your ground here. By following the advice in that article I referenced above, you will get your answer. He'll either flake out and disappear for good, which is just fine, don't waste your time, make room for another GOOD man. Or, he'll man up and come around, only this time, with some respect for you.

People can only treat you as poorly as you permit them to. And if you jump when he returns, he's going to play the game because he'll know he's got you - and he doesn't have to treat you right to get the reward.

So prepare. Educate yourself on the matter, have some long pep talks with youself - and take control of the situation.

Anonymous said...

@ Aphrodite Bull - Last post 7/19...

As you can probably tell from my last post, I was very much in my emotions but I don't take back my words because that's how I was feeling at the time.

Good news is, I've bounced back to my confident, content and cheerful self! All the advice and guidance you've given about how a woman should deal with a man in the beginning stages of the courtship is pretty much accurate. The "red flags" are always there we just have to be wise enough to take heed and proceed with extreme caution.

I've learned a lot from my last dating disaster (lol) and that's the most important thing. I am good being single and dateless for the moment but the next gentleman I choose to date will have to invest much effort and time to show that he's worthy of my time and affection, period!

I do have one question for you, what are the signs of a man who is geniunely into you? How would his behavior differ from a guy who is playing games?

Thanks again for all that you do here. You are the bomb girl! :)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

That is good news, indeed. Good for you! First off, if you meet a guy and you can relate to a combination of these actions and behaviors, he's a player:


But a man who is genuinely interested, these are the things I notice. He's consistent. He follows through and he does what he says he's gong to do. He doesn't want to lose the girl because he does genuinely like her, so he makes very few mistakes. And if he does have to change plans, he's very apologetic and considerate about it.

A guy whose genuinely interested will do things such as open doors, bring flowers, take you to a nice restaurant, call when he says he will, he'll keep in touch often and keep communication going. He'll be reliable and he won't make an attempt at sex right away.

A guy who genuinely likes you will make time to see you and he'll also be the one traveling to see you, not you coming to him. He won't speak vulgar in front of you and he won't speak negatively about women in front of you, he'll be respectful.

When on a date with a guy who genuinely likes you, he'll want to please you. He will be focused on you and only you, he won't be eyeballing other women and he'll make eye contact and be focused on what you're saying.

He'll be the one initiating contact and he'll be the one requesting to see you. He'll be interested in making you happy and he'll want to do things and take you to places that will make you happy, he won't do anything to make you uncomfortable.

Physical signs of a man that genuinely likes you are eye contact, touching your arms, shoulders or hands. It is said that a man who is genuinely interested will hold a gaze for approximately 3-4 seconds before looking away. He'll sit facing you and he'll move forward towards you when speaking to you. He may also mirror your behavior. For example, if you yawn, he may too. If you touch your face, he may touch his. If you cross your legs, he may do the same. That's a commonly known trait of attraction between two people. And a guy who genuinely likes you will give you nothing to worry about, he'll want to make you feel secure. If something is wrong, he'll care.

Basically, all of the above boils down to a few simple, yet powerful, things:

1.) he'll be consistent in his behavior
2.) he'll be reliable
3.) he'll make requests to see you
4.) he'll be respectful of you
5.) he'll stay in touch often and regularly
6.) he'll want to please you and make you happy
7.) he'll invest time into winning you over

Players are none of the above, they are:

1.) players are not consistent, they disappear often
2.) players cancel plans often and generally aren't apologetic about it
3.) players don't make time for you, they squeeze you in when it's convenient for them
4.) players speak ill of women and joke and laugh and make fun of them alot
5.) players do not communicate regularly, rather they prefer a woman to chase them and do all the work
6.) players do what they want to do, they don't worry about whether or not it will make you happy
7.) players move quickly and they aren't interested in waiting around for anyone

It's a night and day difference and once you date a gentlemen, you'll be able to spot a player a mile away. And once you've been treated well by a gentlemen, you'll never settle for less ever again.

CapricornBeauty said...

Is this Taurus man 'assessing/testing' me or is he a 'player'? Im getting mixed signals and I can't quite call it.

Im a Cap woman and I met my Taurus man a little over a month ago. We dont get to spend time often, but When we're out, he is very attentive and affectionate towards me and gives me the most passionate kisses! He always touches me too.. With a firm reassuring grab on my elbow or a caress on my back. (Nothing sexual). He pulls me close to him and I've noticed the possessiveness everyone mentions.  I've met some of his friends at public functions and he asks for kisses so 'everyone knows we're together'... and even refers to me as 'his girl'. When we aren't together is when I feel like he is flaky and I get the mixed signals. We usually only speak whenever I initiate texting. He responds back rather quickly for the most part, but still. He seems kind of private which I respect because I am initially the same in the beginning too, but he seems more private than me. I call and he doesn't answer and I chalked it up to him possibly not being a phone person, because I know not everyone is. *sigh* I'd rather call because it's more personal, but instead I'll text every few days to see how he's been etc, but I feel like I'm doing too much when I don't get the same in return. I like to wake up to a good morning text every now and then too!  I am not used to pursuing any man and it feels like I am doing exactly that. He seems like a good person otherwise and I feel like we really do click. Something about him intrigues me so I'm not quite ready to give up on him. Maybe it's my stubborn nature as well. Maybe the uncertainty makes me want him more.  Normally I would have fell back and left it alone due to me feeling like he wasnt interested, but after doing my research on Taurus men, I feel better knowing that this is typical behavior and its not me. But taking his zodiac sign out of the equation, is this really acceptable? I just want to genuinely get to know him better, but I can barely do that.  I am being patient, but how do I know he's even worth everything in the end or just stringing me along? I feel like he has me on a string. I've never felt like that and i dont like it. 

CapricornBeauty said...


As a Cap I dont like to take risks unless they are worth it. One time I didn't speak to him for about a week. I sent a text on Sun, another on Mon -- both no response. On Friday I sent a text saying that I missed him and he responded telling me to come see him in the other state he has a place in. He was supposed to get back to me with the details, but then he flaked! 5 days passed and I checked him on it. I simply said 'so im guessing you either had a change of heart or it wasn't important to you'. All he could do was say sorry and answer my questions with more questions! I felt like I didn't even get anywhere when the texting back and forth was done! I just feel like if he wanted to reach out, he would. I never confront him and ask where he's been or why he hasn't stayed in touch. I'm always very cordial when I do reach out. A week or so after that, I asked him if I did something to bother him because he barely communicates and I wasn't sure if he was still interested. He said that I didn't do anything and that I'm a sweet person and how he is the problem because he's focused on getting money. This could be true or a front to let me down easy. I'm not exactly sure. I had left it alone thinking he wasnt interested and a few days later, I received a text from him inviting me out to an event the following week which surprised me. I initially wasnt going to go (due to work) and he seemed disappointed that I wasnt supporting him. Despite my hectic work hours, I still made my way out because I knew it was important to him and I wanted to show him I cared. He seemed happy i came and made me feel special all over again, but of course, after that, nothing. I've made the effort to try to spend time, but he's never really free to.  If I can make time for things, why cant he? I could've 'played' unavailable, because of how he acted prior, but we're grown and life is short. I hate going back and forth, tit for tat and feeling like I'm playing games. Smh. Sometimes I feel like I should play the game to get ahead though! What is up with him?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

This one's sketchy for sure. I hate to say this but I fear you're being played here. Did you read this article:


Read that one and maybe you can better determine for yourself. However, I think you already have determined this for yourself but your ignoring your "gut" regarding it. If you're:

1.) Feel like you're doing too much of the work and getting very little in return.

2.) You're pursuing him and it doesn't feel right to you.

3.) You're questioning yourself and asking if this is acceptable behavior.

4.) You're questioning yourself and whether or not he's stringing you along.

5.) You feel like he'd reach out if he really wanted to.

6.) You're making efforts to see him and he's unavailable to you

7.) You're questioning why he can't make time for you.

8.) You feel like games are taking place.

And you know what? You're right to feel all of the above. That's your "gut" speaking to you. The signs are all there, yet you're blocking them out and seeking answers - when you already have them.

Anyone who makes you feel like this, makes you question yourself like this, is toxic to you. He's obviously not fulfilling your needs and he's manipulating you via your emotions. Use logic here, not emotions.

I particularly dislike the fact that when he resurfaced and wanted you to attend an event with him, you rearranged your schedule to accomodate him. That's a BIG no no. Not unless the individual does the same for you, which he is not. And how did he repay this? By disappearing. That is not a good character trait and he's proving he's unreliable, selfish and disingenuine. He's a manipulator playing games to get what he wants. And after he receives it, he's being selfish and disappearing.

Did you read this article?


Or this one?


Don't let this man further damage you, affect your self esteem or make you question yourself. That's toxic. Either take a stance and use the advice given in the "Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?" article. Or leave, period.

Otherwise, you're going to get trapped and caught up in this loop of damaging manipulation. He's most definitely playing games, even if unknowingly. As women, we are forced to play along to protect ourselves, or kick them to the curb. There is no other option.

Anonymous said...

Hey Aphrodite Bull. How are you?

To refresh your memory my last post was August 19 from Anonymous...So, "he" came back after I started to forget about him...typical, right? Anyway, the first day he contacted me after about 2 months I replied 6 hours later as I was busy with some friends and I felt it didn't warrant a speedy response. So when I finally replied he invited me to a family gathering which I couldn't make but to make a long story short, I met his child for the first time, we spent the weekend at the beach together, he accompanied me to a friend's b-day party (which we had a big argument that night and he called me the next morning to apologize), we even planned to take another trip together.

Now...let us fast forward to about two weeks ago. We discussed going to a show together and when I asked if he was going he just said "probably not". The moment he said that I knew in my gut that he was about to disappear once again. His responses became more and more short so I started to back off and fell off of his radar, as you put it lol.

I know I wasn't the sharpest pencil in the box to let him back in so easily but his actions were showing me that he was trying to redeem himself and that he was serious this time around. After he ignored the last text I sent him, I refuse to contact him again. I wasn't blowing up his phone or constantly asking to see him, I actually gave him plenty of space so I don't think I was coming off as clingy or needy.

I am almost 100% sure that he will resurface, so how do I handle the situation in a more logical sense versus acting out of emotion? I think I am finally learning that when dealing with these men, it will serve me right to act and think out of logic instead of emotion, as you have stated here before.

Thank you! :)

Anonymous said...

...And might I add, it seemed that the more I let him lead, the more open, responsive and available he made himself to me. I mean, it wasn't a struggle or fight to spend time with him or to get his attention. But when he gets a whiff of my overbearing emotions he creates distance. Why do you think that is?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Congrats, you're now starting to understand why this works and why it's important to let a man be a man. It takes some time to get this right, and I think I see where maybe you made a few stumbles with him.

First was you answered too early. He disappears for 2 months and he gets a response from you the same day? Never do that, it's not nearly enough time to make him worry you may be done with him or to think of what he's done to you. When a guy like that snaps his fingers, you don't pop up on his radar right away. A guy like that gets a response a minimum of 3 days later. (Remember, you're really too busy to respond and you're out there having a great time - without him ;-)

Second, you let him back in way too easy. Think about it. What'd he have to do to get your attention again? Send a text, make a phone call? That's it? That's all it takes? No way, not with a guy whose pulled the disappearing act. He needs to PROVE to YOU he's serious - through ACTION, not a bunch o' BS talk. And the way you make him prove he's serious is you ignore him, you don't respond for days, you make yourself scarce - and you wait to see how far he's willing to go to win you back. You make him work for it. And by work for it, I mean he has to make repeated calls and attempts to see you. That's how you know if he's serious or not. If he isn't, he won't bother. If he is, he'll bother. Try not to confuse a lot of TALK with ACTION. He didn't have time to prove via actions (i.e. pursue you) that he was serious because you made yourself immediately available to him. He really didn't have to do much at all other than contact you.

Lastly, you're contacting him. You said he ignored a text you sent. Never initiate contact or communication with a man, that's purusing HIM. In order to prove he's serious through his actions, HE needs to pursue YOU. That's how you know if a guy is serious or not. It's good that you backed off, however, you shouldn't be the one contacting him at all.

I know you were hanging back more than usual here, but look at it from his point of view. He disappeared and resurfaced two months later. He contacted you and you responded the same day. Check one point for him. Then he talks his way back in rather easily, without having to put much effort into it, or apologize. Check another point for him. Then, once he's in, he doesn't have to lift a finger to prove himself because you're initiating contact with him, you're pursuing him. Check another point for him.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Cont . .

Understand? From his point of view, this was rather easy. He now knows he can disappear again and come back whenever he wants and you'll be there with little effort on his part. He just has to contact you and be nice for a few days or weeks and that's it, you're doing the rest of the work here. There was no "challenge" for him, nothing exciting. It was too easy. Then you come on a bit stronger with some overbearing emotions as you put it, and he bails.

It was too easy, there was no challenge, nothing exciting for him to work for. He's being pursued by you and now he's getting a sense of your emotions. He felt pressured and bolted. Men don't like emotions, they don't understand them at all. The run because it feels like work, not fun. Men don't want to be someone's therapist by dealing with complicated emotions involved. They don't want to be the "end all be all" to a woman. It's too much pressure. They like independent women who do their own thing and who are a bit of a challenge to win over. They find it exciting and it piques their interest. Boring and safe is no fun, ya' know?

He will be back. And next time, you don't answer him for 3 days at minimum. When you do, you're really busy, you're not immediately available, you don't have time to talk. You brush him off. You make him work at this to prove himself. If he asks you out on a Friday, you're busy, it'll have to be Saturday. If he doesn't ask you out for the weekend before Thursday, you're not available that weekend, you've already made plans. After the 3 day period is over and you respond, when he texts you after that, you don't respond for hours. No text sessions back and forth. If he phones you, you don't answer. And you don't return that call until the next day. Because now, the third time around, he's REALLY got to prove himself via his actions - he needs to pursue you to prove he really wants this. So you need to make yourself scarce to see if he does that. He needs to try, and try again, and try again, and try again. Understand? That's how a man proves via his actions that he's seriously interested. He works for it. And this one really needs to work for it, come the third time aroudn ;-)

You're getting it though, it takes time to fully understand why and how this works. Keep doing what you're doing and eventually, this will all come to you in time :-)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

BTW, I think there's a book that you'd really enjoy that explains all of this in detail, the why's and the hows. It's called, "Why Men Love Bitches." Pick up the book or order it online. There are other books out there that all say pretty much the same thing, but I think you'll really enjoy reading this one.

I think it will really help you to understand:


Anonymous said...

I love you for this Aphrodite Bull! You are so right on more than one level. After reading your post and you pointing out where I went wrong with my actions, I now know what I must do differently the third time around and for any guy, period. I let my emotions takeover and it never gets me the results I am looking for. But yes, I am learning how this game must be played. I hate to call it that, but it is what it is.

Oh yes, I read a few excerpt from that book and from what I read, it made a lot of sense. I guess I should go ahead and purchase the book so that I can read it in its entirety to gain more insight and understanding. Basically, I've been doing everything wrong as it pertains to the "dating game" but things are becoming more and more clear to me.

I truly appreciate your time and insight and I feel more than confident to act accordingly when the time comes, but I might you need you on standby just in case I get stuck along the way...lol! Do you have an email address?

Many thanks and I will keep you posted! :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have been reading ur posts and the advice you give out is very good.. I'm trying to use it to deal with my current situation. Long story short he stopped talking to me, we haven't spoken in about 3 months in this recent dissapearing act stunt. I made the mstake of calling and texting and even telling his best friend to tell him to contact me, to get no reaction or response. So I said f that and decided to go silent as well. Last time we spoke and I attempted any contact was July and I have to constantly remind myself if he wanted to stop his bs he would, but he is a libra and he is gonna do it on his own time. I didnt even stop the silent treatment for his bday.. He might come back but. Idk.. Wanna call him so bad, what should I do??

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Whatever you do, do not contact him. If you do, you will be giving him yet another opportunity to hurt you. Don't give him that. If you contact him, he may reject you, be ignorant to you, say mean and hurtful things and it will also look like you're attempting to "convince" him to be with you. No woman should have to convince any man that she's worth his time. A man who is genuinely interested in you will treat you as such. He will be kind, he will make time for you, he will call you and make attempts to see you. That's what a woman deserves.

Hang in there and each time you feel like contacting him, do something else instead to forget the feeling and distract yourself from doing so.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the advice ms.aphrodite, buttt (sighs) I gave in and called and he called back and we spoke for a almost 2 and a half hours about a lot of things and how we felt or saw things, issues, and such.. He was cool, not a jerk like a Libra can be. I do agree with you, I left the conversation feeling like I was hinting at an us.. I'm just taking it day by day. I do like him alot but I have to put my feelings on the backburner for him and play it cool. I am a Gemini and once we are into thats it, but once were not thats it as well. What do you think is the potential for anything from this since I "gave in"?

Anonymous said...

@ Mirror of Aphrodite
(Last post October 7 by Anonymous)

So...I bought the book (Why Men Love Bitches) and started reading it a few days ago. The one thing that stood out to me is that NOT once did the author give advice on how to successfully or effectively chase or pursue a man lol. This is because women are not psychologically or mentally built to chase or pursue a man. One of my friends believes that when a woman chases a man is leads to insanity on the woman's part and I'm sure most women would agree with that.

I now see where I went "wrong" in my dealings with men. I'm not beating myself up about how I handled things in the past but now that I've gained some insight on how a man's mind works, I just hold myself more accountable for my actions toward the men that claim to be interested in me.

I totally get the "no chasing or pursuing a man rule". I think this is where most of us women get caught up and it only results in the man disappearing and ignoring our advances. One of my favorite principles in the book was that "Men don't respond to words. They respond to NO contact". This is also very true based on personal experience. Right now I am being ignored without any explanation as to why, it's going on three weeks but I have not and will not contact him. If he wants to see me and is interested in me, he'll come to me and all I have to do in the meantime is sit back and look pretty lol.

I'm pretty sure he's starting to wonder what's going with me because I didn't send the "angry" text or the text asking him why he's ignoring me...nope, I didn't give it to him and I am sitting here glad that I didn't because I know he was expecting it. I'm going to be honest and admit to having a few weak moments and started to send a text or call but I asked myself, "How will contacting him benefit you at this point?". If you want different results, you have to do something different, period.

After reading a couple of chapters from the book, I started to feel less threatened by the disappearing acts and periods of silence and being ignored. It is not the end of the world when they pull these stunts, which I used to think it was lol. All we have to do is just stay calm and relaxed and live our lives. I am kind of glad that he's MIA right now because it gives me time to prepare myself for when he comes back so that I do not make the same mistakes as before. I met a guy recently and I've been applying things from the book and I must say, I am liking the results! :D

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

There you go . . it now becomes crystal clear. And the best part is, you're going to feel much better about yourself and more in control.

Anonymous said...

Hey mirror! I'm doing well; thank you again for all your advice in the other post re my situation with the guy who's seeing another girl in another state.

Thanks to your guidance, I'm now armed with the proper mindset and knowledge on how to deal with men (and it's so fun too!). I'm in the middle of ignoring the guy for 3-4 days (he ignored me for 5) to balance things out. Feels great to put myself first!

Anyways, I'm back with a different question.

Would you say it's a red flag for a man to send me multiple messages (at different times) on an online dating site, when I haven't responded yet?

One guy in particular - a scorpio who's new to the city - likes to ask A LOT of questions. How was your week? What do you do online for work? How's your day? You sleep late, do you work overtime? These are split up into multiple messages.

Initially, after seeing he was a scorpio, I sent him a message rejecting him in a nice way: "Thanks for writing, good luck on here."

However he completely ignored it, and kept messaging. At this point, I am quite curious as I haven't experienced this before.

I told him, "You're so persistent." He said that he was just bored at work. Overall, a friendly guy.

At one point, after I responded with a short one-liner, he wrote, "You sure are hard to get talking haha."

Another guy has been doing the same thing, just with less questions, but still multiple messages.

What they do is send a new message every few hours.

These men are educated, fit, and decent looking. So what's going on?

Are they acting this way out of confidence (in pursuing a woman), or are they desperate?

I am wondering if this just means a guy will fade quickly, as he's coming on so strong in the beginning.

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I always consider coming on strong a bit of a red flag. It's not necessarily one to run from, but definitely one to be aware of, to keep in perspective when dating the guy so as to not let yourself be fast-talked.

It's been my experience, in those situations, that the man had some sort of A.D.D. or high anxiety. Believe it or not, I even had one guy ask a question, then answer it himself in the next sentence. It was like his entire email was a conversation with himself. In these cases, it's not that they're necessarily bad men, however, one was very controlling and another because damn near impossible to shake when I decided it was a "no."

Some guys are just more determined than others. It's just that when dating a guy like that, watch they don't become control freaks, expecting you to be in constant communication with them several times a day throughout the dating relationship. And watch that they don't become unstable when attempting to break away from them is all.

I usually give a guy that persistent a chance. So far, it hasn't worked out, LOL, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve a chance, at least one date, to get a better feel on them. If they begin answering their own questions on the date, then run, LOL. But one date can't hurt.

And if they are nice guys, just be aware that they've come on strong - don't let yourself be fast tracked along into anything you're not ready for and try to pace the relationship down a notch or two, to get on the same page so that you don't get snookered here. Just go in eyes-wide-open is all and have fun with it.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror! I'm impressed with your perspectives on these "disappearing" cases I would love to hear your take on mine!

I met a guy at work last year and we dated for 2 months. We had amazing chemistry and I had never fallen so hard for a guy before (not even for my ex of 6.5 yrs!). It felt like the feeling was mutual...he would look at me with this twinkle in his eye (that seemed like more than just lust) and he would verbalize my thoughts, saying stuff like "I feel like when I'm with you, I'm in high school again!" However, there were red flags: He was still living with an ex, but was "in the process" of moving out, he almost never contacted me on nights/weekends, he communicated solely through text, and he would only take me out on weekdays after work (he always seemed to have plans with friends for the weekends). I knew something was fishy, but I tried to take him at his word, figuring that he did live a good distance away and didn’t want to jump into anything too soon.

He hated his job and ended up applying elsewhere, and once he got an offer, our dates dwindled. Yet he would still visit me every day at work for long periods of time and text me throughout the day. I knew that he was interested on some level, but I wasn’t sure where this was headed (if anywhere…I know, big mistake!), so I told him that I was getting mixed signals and was confused. He apologized, saying that because he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship, he wasn’t looking for anything close to one and wanted to do his own thing…but he did enjoy spending time with me. I took that to mean that he was politely rejecting me, so I pulled away. But it wasn’t over…he started visiting me even more at work and continued to date me up until he left, saying that while we wouldn’t see each other as often once he switched jobs, he would still want to see me. He kept in touch with me for another month or so before the big “POOF.”

I tried to play it cool and kept expectations low, but he was still confusing me. He would tell me that he missed me, which prompted me to ask “Well, why don’t you visit me then?” He would always reply with something like “I would love to, but things are just too busy!” What's the point of even contacting me if he had no intention of seeing me?


Anonymous said...

So I let him go, and didn’t hear from him until recently...one year later. He texted me asking how I’ve been, and that he was thinking of me. We made small talk, and he kept trying to feel me out to see whether or not I was single. I was ecstatic to hear from him (the feelings never went away), but I kept it simple and didn’t disclose too much. He asked me to meet for a drink that night, but it was way too late/last minute at that point, so I declined. He then asked for the next day or evening (a Saturday…interesting), but I already had plans. I suggested Sunday, but he couldn’t so he suggested a night during the week. He said he'd call early in the week to make plans. He did text me, but only asked how I was doing and said that he was working late…and then, nothing. Wth!?

I texted him a week later to see what was up…I didn’t attack him or even make mention of him blowing me off. He replied right away and automatically apologized for not getting back to me…he was just promoted, so it was “bad timing” because now he had a lot on his plate. I again took this to mean that it was an “excuse” to “get out of” seeing me, but then he continued to text me for the rest of the night, making reference to missing me again. That was a week and a half ago…his area was hit by the storm (I’m actually worried about him and wish I could reach out, but I also wonder whether or not he is capable of reaching out to me…so I'm refraining), so it’s possible that’s why I haven’t heard from him, but he also made no reference to making plans when last we talked…I don’t get it?? I know that if someone is truly interested, they will make time for you and there won’t be excuses…I just don’t understand why he would wait a year to contact me only to blow me off? He did mention just moving to an area closer to me, so I thought maybe he had taken enough time for himself to separate from him ex, get settled into the new job, and was potentially ready to see where things could go with me. Just wondering what his intentions are/were…what's your take?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

With all of the new technology and different abilities to communicate with one another nowadays, there's a new kind of "dater" on the block - the text buddy. The "virtual" relationship. It's not real and it only exists in the virtual world, not the real one.

That's what I think is the case here. Some people just like to know that someone is there. They don't have to be right there with them, but "there" to reach out to and take off the shelf if necessary. A Plan B, if you will, that lives in the virtual reality, that can be pulled into our 3 dimensional reality if/when necessary.

He wants a friend, he wants a buddy, he wants a text partner, he wants a Plan B available to him, should he find he needs one someday. It's part ego-stroke combined with the fear of being alone. Knowing someone is there dissolves the fears of loneliness and being able to communicate with them at will and receive attention and affections via virtual reality strokes the ego and is a confidence booster to them.

Men and women both do this and this trait is showing up in online dating and "virtual" worlds in droves nowadays. I know a lot of women who actually think they have relationships with a man because they've been texting for 3 months - even though they don't date in reality. Same with men, I know men who have women they have virtual relationships with but don't date in the real world.

Let's ignore his words and look at his actions here. All the excuses he's been dishing the entire time combined with the distance he's placed between you, leaving this go for a year and then starting it up again, appears he only wants some virtual support and may be using you as a "go to" for this support when things get rough for him in the real world.

This is fast becoming a dating epidemic. If you want a text buddy, go for it. But don't hold your breath waiting for this one to step out of the virtual world and into the real one.

Anonymous said...

@ Mirror

Thanks for the (prompt) response! I have heard of this type of relationship before, but I hadn't thought of my situation in that framework. It would make sense, guess I just thought that since there was actual dating in the past that it may have been something more. I'm definitely interested in a real relationship, not a virtual one, so I will continue to go on dates and live my life and let the pieces fall where they may. I have been reading about your NC rule, would that tactic even work in this case?

Anonymous said...

Wow I think the Text buddy has hit the nail on ther head for me. I have been keeping contact with a man for almost 6 months and he is doing all the work, calling/texting.. spending hours with me,, but says he cannot spend any money on extracirricular activities,, ie dates, going out etc.. until he gets his bills back under control. We met one time,, which afterwards I received an email telling me how amazing I was. But from that point on, we have not seen eachother again,, I have offered to drive to where he is,, yet he does not ever give in. He has even went so far as to have banter with my 8 yr old son, and has even mentioned he bought a case of honey buns (inside joke) for him,, which would imply that he obviously plans to come down at some point.
So why isn't it happening.. he is the most consistant ive ever head with calling and tex and staying in touch. So this is really disappointing,, and I dont know what to even think now.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 4 1:26PM,
You can try no contact here, however, I'm not sure it'd work. Yes, you'd probably hear from him - but for what? It'd only be another text and not a real date I bet.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 4, 7:10PM,
Well, he's either looking for a text pal - or he's married. That whole money thing, don't get me wrong, I know times are tough - but $10 for coffee or $20 for an afternoon movie once in a while won't kill you. So I'm not buying that one, it's appearing as an excuse to me. Especially because you're offering to come to him (a big no-no BTW, LOL).

Men are always going to lead a woman on to think there's something coming in the future - or that there's a future period. That's how they keep women in "rotation" and keep Plan B's in their life - i.e. a pool of women to date.

Throw this fish back into the sea. What are you waiting around for? He won't get his budget balanced any time soon and even if he does, he'll have another excuse. Don't let time pass waiting for him to come around - go live your life. He'll be a good friend, one you can always text or talk to. But as far as a boyfriend or partner, he's acting a bit too sketch for me. (Only one date, doesn't want to spend money (that his wife may track), doesn't want you driving to him (so his wife, family or friends don't see the two of you in town together) - I don't want to scare you, but just consider that.)

Either way, his behavior is "off" somehow. Don't wait around for him. Move on and be happy. He's not going anywhere, he'll still be a friend in the virtual world.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

One last thought . . . actions - not words. Words are just words, it's the actions that speak the truth.

If he says there's a future, yet his actions do not indicate one -- then there's no future.

Talk is talk, it's all BS. Actions my friend.

Anonymous said...

True, that would probably be the case...it's just upsetting to me that he could feel like he could do this to me, but I then again, I "allow" it. Which is why I'm wondering if there's something I can do to change it. I wouldn't hold my breath per se, but if he does by chance text me again (and merely makes small talk but doesn't make plans), do you think it would be wise to say something like "If you are ever interested in dating a nice girl, give me a call...otherwise, I don't need another pen pal." That way, he will either have to get his act together, or he will disappear for good (may be the case, but at least it would give me closure).

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Sure, you can do that. But if you do, you may ruin the friendship and any chance of him ever stepping up to the plate, if that's something you want to happen here. Besides, those are words. Men don't hear words, they don't respond to them. But they do respond to action. So instead of using words, why not use action?

Meaning, change YOUR actions. Drop any and all expectations you have of him and of the situation. Start dating others and just move on. No need for a "talk" that'll drive him away for good (because it's a typical female emotional response that men expect and don't take seriously or respond to). But if you don't say a word, don't make yourself available to him each time he contacts you and you start to distance yourself, there's a good chance he'll notice that and respond to it. He may as YOU to talk. He may ask YOU what's wrong. He may finally "get it" and ask YOU out on a date. When a woman puts a little distance combined with apathy out there in front of a man, they respond to that. When she talks, or nags or gives speeches or talks about what she needs - they stare at the clock and then run out the door.

It's up to you, but I wouldn't give him what he's expecting - which is for you to finally "break" here. Remaining calm, mysterious, unemotional and in control baffles the hell out of them. They take notice to that.

Anonymous said...


I think that those are all valid points--I may just try that strategy. If I went my route, I would probably come off as bitter, and that would show him that I actually care...and I wouldn't want to lose my pride. And like you said, guys can't crack a woman's emotional "code"--guess they just aren't wired that way. Guess we'll see if I get another text...but for now, onward!

Thanks again for your guidance, I appreciate it! You're awesome!

Anonymous said...

Thank for all of the insight. Sometimes I feel dumb with all of this. I don't want to play all the games. I just want to meet someone that I can count on and have great memories with, so why so complicated. He was even giving me a hard time because I would never call him, but its because I felt he should do all the calling.. being the persuer. Also I dont believe he is married and hes never had any children, it's wierd because I know all about his taxes, and personal financial affairs because of his problems.. trying to sell equipment and all to pay his bills til his job picks back up.. He is so private,, I would not have thought he would have told me all that if he were not at least connected to me somehow. He is such a private person and all. Ive even looked up his homestead in his area to make sure he was truthful about the enormous house he bought a few yrs ago,, and it is all true. And the neighbors all ask him how he can live there all alone,, and why such a large home,, and I've actually heard this conversation on the phone because he never hangs up,, he actually allows me to be on the phone while he does everything,, like he has nothing to hide at all. Sooooo strange!!

MaybeBaby said...

This is so much more truthful than what we have all been spun before! Sounds like we've all done the typical thing a woman does to keep a guy interested but it's total bs until now :) And well, we are wired to be hopeful but let's not confuse that with stupid lol! I found this post the day after I sent a thank you message to a guy I like. He was actually a teacher of mine and we get along well to even say there is something there between us but to what degree I don't know. Nothing has been voiced, just flirting. Earlier in the term he did something that really angered me so I stood my ground and basically let him have some clear facts about it all and he ended up apologizing. He found a new level of respect after that and he seemed keen but I felt he had to be careful obviously due to his position. Just to be clear, we are both around the same age being between 37-42 so nothing illegal lol! And he will never be my teacher again for anything either. So the end of term came around and i have 4 months off uni now, and one of our last discussions included a suggestion from him that I come in after our results were released to see where I sat out of the whole unit. (I was near the top before the exam). So the results were released a few days ago now but the very next morning I get an email from him saying I was one of the highest in the group and congrats etc. The suggestion to come in was a month ago and I was wondering why he emailed instead os wait to see if I showed up. He wasn't obliged to do this either. So this is where I could be considered as being typical...I sent a thank you email, as u would, and then said that maybe I might swing past to see him next week while I was out there if he was about?. He replied 2 days later saying he was going to be away at an overseas conference all next week and the one after but was ok for after that. Just real basic, but that's why he must have emailed, he was going to be away. It was a good feeling tho that he obviously thought of me and checked my results. Do you think this is a typical sign that I've been on his mind? Anyway, now I feel that to go out there and make an effort to see him, even tho I suggested it, would be heading down the path of folly now I've read this!! So I have decided to not go, I'll go while he's away to do my other messages. Is this fair? I mean I did say 'maybe' swing by in my email. Is definitely like 'if there's no time, there's no date' haha! The other thing is that he gets to hide behind that desk of his and I feel like I would be doing injustice towards myself if I started this dropping by business even tho his 'headquarters' are easier to locate than mine. It's set up so perfect isn't it for me to chase but I won't. Your opinion would be much appreciated as is all of this fantastic insight. I've unknowingly done some things right but gee I was just about to stuff it!! Thank you :))

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I agree, initiating trips to see him are venturing into sticky territory. Because when a woman starts a relationship out like that, she can bet her bottom dollar she'll be doing all the work, all the heavy lifting, from that day forward. It causes the man to kick back, become lazy about dating and do very little for the woman or the relationship to keep it going.

You can get away with this once - but only once. You can bee-bop on over there and see what happens. If, when you go to leave, he makes a suggestion of you coming back to see him again, you don't agree to that. Instead, you nicely say something to the effect of, "Why don't we meet for lunch next time instead?"

If he balks or doesn't bite on that, walk away. If he agrees, go to lunch. BUT, after lunch, YOU don't do that again. HE'S the one who should have gotten smacked upside the head with a "green light" to proceed by then. And if that doesn't happen, you let him go. You say, "Well, this was really nice, I had a nice time and it was great chatting with you. Gimmie a call sometime and we can do this again if you like." You give him your number and you walk away. Let him go off and think about that, think about the opportunity he let pass because he didn't man up.

If he doesn't grab the bull by the horns and call you, his loss. If he's interested, in a couple of weeks, he should see the light and pick up the phone, be a man, and ask you to join him again.

It's okay to take a step or two towards initiating sometimes, but not often and only a step or two and that's it. That's enough to signal to a man that you're interested. If they don't take it from there and lead, like a man should, and pursue, like a man should - then it wasn't meant to be.

Because let's face it, this is the way Mother Nature intended it. You don't see doe chasing the bucks around out in the forest. And you don't see the lioness running down the lion king on the safari. It's just not the way it was meant to be.

Anonymous said...

So, While waiting for a man to contact a woman, (in my case to let me know he is genuinely interested in me) , how do social media sites comes into play? See, he is my friend on facebook and while I am not a frequent status updater, I do post photos of my friends/family and he obviously will see that. So while I am waiting for his text/call do I continue posting pictures and looking like im "living" so to speak. Or does this take away from the mystery of him wanting to talk to me again?

MaybeBaby said...

Thank-you again :) I think this is fair advice actually because I was truly wondering if this situation was a little 'stickier' than normal lol! I certainly don't want him to hide behind his desk the whole time yet I want to be fair about what to do, but by no means needy either. I have detected that he would be protective of his position in the sense that he would have to be careful (even tho we are age appropriate), not to be seen to be hitting on his student! And for this reason only, to encourage him to get out from behind the furniture, I guess I'm ok to initiate a lunch or coffee by taking a step or two and no more, which is where I'm at with no priors taken haha! As mentioned, there's been some conversations, some laughs at each others expense, and he would pick me out in class and lectures. Indications of something I would say and ok, he put in an effort by emailing me and then letting me know what he's up to over the next few weeks (I haven't replied to that one as it's just facts and might make him a bit curious too hehe), so I'll reciprocate by bee-bopping over after he's back, which I think is a bigger effort, but if he doesn't open an avenue for me to see him again I would take that as a walk away too with no lunch offer!! Damn straight! I agree with the way nature intended and "I love being a girl on the hunt", said NO girl EVER and meant it deep down!! We are just not wired that way and have more to lose than a guy in every way! As soon as a girl takes on this man's role, she can never be assured that her prey truly likes her now can she! Awesome, I feel much clearer now about a good or a bad outcome because it all says something clearly! Wish it was as easy as a 'green means go smack upside the head' tho haha!! Guess we'll see in 2 or so weeks. Thanks again for your brilliance!! :))

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No, you keep posting pictures and keep living your life. Maybe you could cut down on how many you post though, to create a bit of mystery.

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror
Met this really nice guy. He asked me out, I cancelled. We made plans to go out again then cancelled saying he had to work late which he did apologize for. I haven't heard from him in 4 days did I screw this up?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No, you didn't screw anything up - it's only been 4 days. That's nothing in a man's world.

Anonymous said...

I will definitely be careful not to get fast-tracked by persistent guys. I've continued to talk to 2 of them (the ones from the online dating site I mentioned earlier).

Haven't met either one yet, but...I think I might have discovered another potential red flag.

One guy (I'll call him Scorpio Guy), has been talking to me for the past 2-3 weeks. My interest is fairly low; the only reason I continue to talk is because 1) he's persistent 2) he's friendly and 3) he looks like he might have a nice body LOL ;-D

The most annoying part is he talks about very mundane things...and he doesn't flirt with me at all (not that I've tried). He's not as playful and teasing as I like my men to be.

Recently, I messaged him saying I went to this awesome waffle bar over the weekend and had the best waffles ever. He then suggested that I show him when he's back.

He travels for work - and is currently about a 1 hour flight away. He gave me his # and said it would be easier to communicate via text in the meantime, and that it was totally my call.

I replied saying, "I'm really lazy with texting. You can text me when you're back: XXX-XXX-XXXX."

I thought he would listen to me, but he didn't. He texted me within a couple of hours asking how I was doing, and how he just booked his flight and that he was excited to go back home blah blah.

Is this a RED FLAG? He just ignored what I said about texting me when he's back. I'd understand if it was a simple, "Hey just checking if I got the right number" to confirm.

This could be a predictor of him ignoring my wishes on more important issues in the future, and just doing whatever he damn feels like.

I know it doesn't hurt to go on ONE date as you suggested, but the red flags are stacking up!

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Hmm, well . . this is harmless ignorance I think. He likes you, he wants to show you this. So he did what men do - he came after you. He picked up the phone and he contacted you.

It's not a bad thing that he did so earlier than he was supposed to. I wouldn't read too much into that just yet. If you see lots more of that in the future, then that's when you look at it more closely.

But this one, he's just doing what men are supposed to do :-)

Free As a Bird said...

I am really just a kid when it comes to dating though I am 27 already. It may be because I come from a more conservative culture. Even worse now I live in a foreign country (Germany) and it makes everything even harder.
I've been crying and despairing. I met this guy at a bar and he asked for my number. He did call and ask me out. I was really happy because he's my type and on the first date we had a good time. He knows I am passionate for music, so he always took me to places having good music, talking about it etc. I don't usually develop feelings for men that fast. At first I kept my cool because my gfs told me so; didn't text and call him that much. After a while he said he was insecure and needed more from me. I grew soft and initiated calling. We have not had sex yet but I kinda hinted it we can. Right now he's pulling this disappearing act and I can't take it. My dad abandoned the family disappearing suddenly. All the negative feelings surge right now, anger, self blame, grief. I only sent him a text saying have a nice week or sth and he didn't reply. I talked to a gf who told me to call him, but no one answered. He always told me call him anytime and he'd make so many plans for me. I really wish men can stop making void promises if they can't keep them. Uhg...I need to learn more about dating.

Anonymous said...

I met this guy online and we have been texting for a couple of weeks. We even went out for coffee and after that, he gave me a lot of compliments as well as telling me how much he loves talking to me. I told him that I love bowling in an attempt to get him to ask me out again, however he hasn't. It has been a few weeks now and nothing happened still. He does make an effort to call me almost everyday, however I wonder where his head is at right now.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Free As a Bird,
Well, it appears you failed "the test." Which was, "Hmm, lemme see if I can get her to do the work here and make this real easy on myself." And you did. And then he lost interest.

Why? Because you made it too easy on him.

Men make requests like that, they give excuses like, "I'm insecure, I need more." But it's a ploy, it's a test to see how strong of a woman he's dealing with. You had him. When he said he was insecure, he was thinking about you, a LOT. When he got more of you, he disappeared and lost interest.

Always, always keep a man on his toes - it keeps their interest.

And it's NEVER a good idea for a woman to initiate contact with a man or to call him. Not unless you're in love and have been dating for 6-8 months and in a relationship. But during the dating period - NEVER.

And you're girlfriend who advised you to do that. You might want to ask her, "How many times has that worked for you?"

I bet the answer will be - NEVER.

So now you need to initiate "no contact." Google that on the Internet and you'll see.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 23, 3:48PM,
He's put you on the "back burner" for now. And probably because you're too available to him. You shouldn't pick up the phone everytime a man calls and you shouldn't answer a text right away either. Being too available to men makes them lose interest quick.

Men like a challenge. They enjoy the journey. If you make the journey too easy, there's no challenge - and then they disappear.

Next time he contacts you via text, don't respond. And you'll see - he'll amp up his efforts and come to seek you out. Do that often and you'll pique his interest again.

Free As a Bird said...

OK...*crying some more

Then ha..the problem is, I am really just a nerdy type of gal and I work a lot and don't go out that much.
I can't hide that and I told him that at the very beginning. I mean, I know you have to toughen up and be smart when dating. But for people like me, I wonder how we can survive. It's almost impossible. The gf who told me to call is like me. We are introverted and very naive.

I won't call him again. Maybe be on my own is always the better option.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Free As a Bird,
Please don't cry over a jerk. Please don't do that. And please stop beating yourself up here over this. We've all been in your shoes, sweetie. Why do you think I blog about this here LOL? As women, we've all been there, trust me. And these articles are meant to help women and the comments section here is meant to provide support for women. So you're not alone, girly. Not at all.

So wipe those tears away and realize that you're being handed a real opportunity here - to grow. To experience a period of self-awareness and growth. When this is over, you will be all the better for it, trust me.

You're not a nerd, you're not naive and neither is your girlfriend - you guys are good girls is all. And I hate to say this, but I'm going to . . nowadays, dating is like navigating a hot, churning lava field. One wrong step and you're all burned up. Sad, I know. But it's a statement as to where our society is right now. And with a lot of women out there now being very aggressive about their sexuality, they're ruining it for the rest of us who expect to be courted and treated like a lady - rather than an object or play thing. These men nowadays are getting away with murder if you ask me. They have it so easy, they don't have to impress women anymore because they have loads of them jumping into their laps and giving it away for free - those women are selling their souls, they just don't know it yet.

And if you want to survive the dating field, yes, you have to toughen up. But in good, positive ways. You don't have to be mean, you just have to stand strong is all and demand some respect for yourself from a man and set boundaries with them as to what you will and will not tolerate is all. And you don't do that via words, you do that via your actions.

Because here's the deal in our society today. There are approximately 3.5 million sociopaths in America alone. Ever heard of narcissistic sociopathic personality disorder? One in 25 people have this personality disorder nowadays. They lack remorse, empathy for others and have no conscious. And the "socio" part comes in because actually, these people are incredibly charming. It's a manipulation tactic that they use to get people to bend to their will.

And they're everywhere nowadays, honey. So when dating, you do really have to "qualify" a man and filter through them, to make sure you're dealing with a good man and not one suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.

And there are signs to look for. Copy and paste this url below into your browser and read this article titled "Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath:"


Lots of women are dealing with men who have this personality disorder and they don't even know it. They go around beating themselves up and crying over these guys. And these GUYS are broken, not the women crying over them.

You're fine, honey. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you and your girlfriend. You guys are nice girls is all. And you're getting eaten up by a bunch of jerks and taking it personally. Don't do that. You're better than that and you deserve more than that.

So wipe away those tears and don't spend another moment grieving a broken man. Know that you're the better person. Also, do me a big favor. Go to the bookstore and get a copy of "Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship." Read that book, it will help you and your girlfriend both. You can find a copy of it on Amazon:


And please don't beat yourself up over this. Chances are he WILL come back and by that time, you may not even want him anymore.

He's just a man. It's not the end of the world. And for every one that walks out the door, another one is coming through it :-)

Anonymous said...

Ok, I have never done one of these for dating advise, but thought I would give it a try...Well I just started talking to this guy and things have been really good...for the most part too good. We have had a couple lil disagreements thru texting, but is there such a thing as too good to be true? Oh and I'm the Bull and hes an Archer

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, if it's too good to be true, nine times out of ten, it's a red flag. Men generally don't jump into relationships like women do.

And when they do, it's usually a strong indication that a brief fling is about to happen (two weeks to two months).

As fast as these things tend to ignite - they tend to burn out just as quickly.

Anonymous said...

I like this guy and we talk every day whether its texting, phone calls, or video chatting, but we have not met in person just yet. We have been doing this for about a month now and last night he told me he's falling for me. Is it possible to fall for someone you have not met yet?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, it is. However, it doesn't mean anything because all of that can change in an instant when you meet.

I'm not saying it will, I'm just saying it can.

Anonymous said...

Well I met him tonight and it was great and he still said he was falling for me I can't wait to go out with him again

Anonymous said...

Good luck,I don't think it will work. Guys who into Internet more than reality is something there. Either his social life or his personality. Keep date with him and see how it go. Be careful,don't fall in that soon. Let him wait and enjoy how he adore you.

Anonymous said...

It's so weird how I've been facing the same issue with this taurus guy lately, and everywhere I read said that's how they act when they like you. I know I've been pressuring him lately to tell me where we stand. He told me I worried too much but I've to when he stood me on two dates in the last twi weeks. And now he just seen edgy and distant. So two weeks ago decide to give him space and out f nowhere he comes by unexpected, asking where I was the night before because I didn't call, he acts possissice but distant. I didn't call him when he left and a day after that he comes by without calling again. After that everything was alright but he was still distant, I let him know how I feel to just avoid playin mind games ad I ask if he was testing me e said he wasn't? Yet when I brough it up two nights ago when we spoke he slip and told me he test ppl to see how they're. I know I was movin to fast and pressuring him, so now I'm giving him space, or leavin him alone since I always have to ask if he wants to hang out, we were suppose to two days ago and he said to call him around 3 that afternoon, I did no answer. I did again, later that night it rings 3 times as goes to vm. So I guess he doesn't like me anymore. I mean he's always so nice, watching, getting jealousies about my whereabouts, yet e doesn't make time to atleast call and text me. Plus right away he was callin me babe afte two weeks , getting all like a taurus. So what happened, because when he was moving too fast an tellin me he loves me so fast after only a month I let him know he doesn't and now I'm responding he's losing interest.

Caught off Guard... said...

Hi love your site, as you hit everything on the head.

My question is that I don't know what to apply to my situation.

Was set up with a guy who lives about 2 hours away when I was visiting friends of mine. The next week he took off work to come visit me and we did have sex, which I should have curbed, I know.

He invited me to visit him and two weeks later I did. It was a so much fun but in between the visits I over-texted him and was acting very girlfriend like. So when I left he called me the next day and said he was very conflicted b/c he did not know if he could handle all me and doesn't want me to think he is an a-hole but that he had so much fun with me that he didn't know what to do. Well we planned to hang out again two weeks later, but in between that time I did not curb my behavior b/c I panicked. I did not see what i was doing so right before we saw each other he was not contacting me as much and I backed away too.

So we spent another weekend together, I had lunch and spent one afternoon with his whole family and we had the best time. When I left I said that I would love to hang out again but no pressure. That was 33-weeks ago and he has been contacting me in spurts. 4days in a row then a day or two of nothing. I had an accident three days ago nothing big just got a minor concussion and he called twice to check up on me the night it happened and the next evening texted me asking how I was feeling. I did not respond to the text till the next morning figuring that I was mirroring him.
I realize that I freaked, I told him that I am aware that I got carried away about 3 weeks ago, which was the last time we saw each other. So, do I need to continue what you call mirroring him? Or should I shoot a friendly text occasionally, as I would like to see him again. Or should I just cut my losses here? We did have a great time and I do not know where it will go but I would like the chance to see...do you think this is hopeless b/c I do not think asking him to visit is a good idea either, as he knows this already?

Thank you i advance for your help. And big hugs for explaining things so well to us women as this dating world is fierce.

FYI-My insecurity stems from being in an abusive relationship for 2 years but it was 5-years ago and I have been in counseling ever since. Just been closed up for awhile even though I have flings in between just never cared or trusted b/c I was working on me. And clearly this guy caught me off-guard.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec. 9, 12:43AM,
I hate to say this, because I don't want to hurt you, but you've asked, so I'm going to. Honey, this was doomed from day one. Why? Because you tolerated poor treatment. As a result, I fear he's lost respect for you.

Here's what I mean:

1) Why are you still speaking to a man that's stood you up twice?
2) Why are you permitting a man to show up, unexpected, to "check up" on you?
3) Why are you asking a man to hang out with you? Why are YOU asking for dates?
4) Why are YOU calling a man for that date? "He said to call him around 3 that afternoon, I did no answer."
5) Why are you still wanting to spend time with a man who ignores you - "later that night it rings 3 times as goes to vm."
6) Why do you think an ignorant man is nice? "I mean he's always so nice, watching, getting jealousies about my whereabouts." Spying and jealousy are NOT NICE. They're red flags that he's insecure and controlling.
7) Why aren't you seeing the red flags "Plus right away he was calling me babe after two weeks , getting all like a taurus." That's not a Taurus thing, that's a player thing, it's BS talk. No man thinks you're his babe after two weeks. It takes men a long time to develop true feelings for a woman. That's what a player does.
8) Again, players do this "he was moving too fast an telling me he loves me so fast after only a month." No man loves a woman after only one month of dating. It takes men a long time to fall in love and develop feelings for a woman. But players - they say these things right away - to get into your pants. Then, they disappear, just as he's done.

He's a total player, honey. None of what he says is true or honest. He tells you what you want to hear is all. That's manipulation. He's manipulating you. He wants you to believe he truly likes you, so he can see you when he wants to, then disappear when he doesn't - knowing that you think he loves you, so you'll wait around for him. That's called "stringing a woman along." Players do this all the time. They manipulate women via their emotions.

A man that genuinely likes you:

1) Will not stand you up for dates
2) Will not spy on you or intrude on your space, instead he'll respect you and your space and call first
3) Will ask YOU on dates and make time for YOU
4) Will not ask you to call him, he'll man up and call you
5) Will not ignore you, EVER
6) Will treat you nice
7) Will not bullshit you
8) Will not say he loves you unless - and until - he means it (which is usually 3 to 6 months into a relationship)

And I'd like to stress here - NEVER, EVER continue to see a man who has stood you up. EVER. That's ignorant, mean, cruel, arrogant and nasty. That's NOT a NICE guy and you should not have spoken to him after that at all.

This one needs to experience the consequences of his actions:


And you need to dump him. He's not the nice guy you think he is.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Caught Off Guard,
Well, it appears that you're reverting back into "victim" mode here. I say that with no disrespect, I know you're in counseling and working on the affects that took place from being abused.

But my dear, do NOT let this man destroy 5 years of counseling for you. Do NOT become submissive and fall into victim mode. And by victim mode, I mean being "needy." Because there are some men out there who, when they find a needy woman, yes, they abuse her. So be very careful of how needy you become. Because you don't want to permit yourself to be abused again, ya' know? And by abusive, I mean - don't tolerate poor treatment. Walk away from it.

I'm just going to be honest here. You're mistake here was sleeping with him right away. Don't give yourself away like that for free without a man proving to you that he's a good man and is genuinely interested FIRST. Additionally, given your history here, I believe it's VERY dangerous for you to be jumping into bed with a man like that. Because you KNOW that you get attached. Why do that to yourself? Protect yourself by keeping some distance there and not sleeping with a man until he's proved himself to you.

There is NO SUCH THING as casual sex for women. When women have sex, certain endorphines in their brain get released, the same one's that get released when people do drugs, and it activates this "happiness" area of the brain. So when women sleep with men, the man becomes like a drug to them. They want MORE. And then they begin to falsely believe that their happiness comes from the man, which isn't true. It's your brain, feeding that "happiness" area is all.

Additionally, it's been my experience that things that start out fast - end just as fast. When you immediately sleep with a man, that relationship is usually over within two weeks to two months later. Only a very small few withstand the test of time when starting out with sex like that.

I'm not sure you're ready to date yet. You need to look out for yourself. I'm not saying this guy's a bad guy. I'm saying that you get attached way too soon. And that because of that, it might be too soon to start dating again. It may be that you need to work on this a little more before doing so. Because when a woman sleeps with a man right away and gives herself away like that, it signals that she doesn't value herself. And men pick up on that and if you don't think you're valuable enough to wait for - then he's not going to think you're valuable either. And it becomes a vicious cycle, a pattern of one bad relationship after another. You want a man to think you're valuable and that you're worth it. And you do that by treating yourself and what you have to offer as something valuable. Don't give it away for free or you'll be inviting lots of pain upon yourself and lots of men will use you and then disappear. And this will not be helpful for your counseling and all you've been doing to help yourself here.

Cont . . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

My advice to you is - speak to your counselor about this. Tell the entire story, just like you've done here. And ask the counselor to explore with you why you moved so fast. And ask the counselor to help you and give you tools and exercises to build up your self esteem and sense of worth. Because I think that's the real issue here - for some unknown reason, you don't value yourself. So ask the counselor to explore that issue with you.

Do not contact this man. Women should NEVER pursue men. Women should never act like a man when dating - dominant and taking the lead. Men should lead and men should call women, ask them on dates, etc.

Again, for some unknown reason, you're feeling worthless and insignificant here. And you think that you need to contact this man, to remind him that you exist and that you're interested.

You DO NOT need to do that, honey. If a man genuinely likes you - he will seek you out.

Please explore this entire issue with your counselor and ask them to help you discover your value and worth.

Caught Off Guard said...

CORRECTION - it was not "33 weeks" it was just "3 weeks" in my original message. Just cause that is a BIG difference...thanks again!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Caught Off Guard,
Don't say anything to him if you still want a shot at this. If you don't, then feel free to confront him.

But I wouldn't confront him unless you're willing to let him go. Because men don't like confrontation and they fear women's emotions.

So if you want him to return someday, don't do that, just sit tight, date others and move on. If you don't want to see him anymore, then feel free to confront him with your emotions.

Anonymous said...

I've been dating this guy for about 2 months. He is roommates with his "female" best friend, to whom I've never been formally introduced. I have made many visits to his house and have even spent the night on 2 occasions. Each time I spent the night the roommate was there but strangely enough we've only crossed paths once, in the kitchen, and she never said a word. (this will be important later in the story) Anyway me and this guy have talked everyday since day 1. Two weeks ago he told me he wanted to be exclusive and I agreed. He works nights so on a typical day he calls me in the morning to wish me a wonderful day and let me know he's made it home safely. I get text messages throughout the day and on many occasions he stops by my house when I get off work (around 6pm-ish) and leaves in time for him to get ready for work (around 8:30pm-ish). This man has been incredibly attentive and everything I could hope for...until I took a short vacation from work and began to see some red flags! He took a day off from work so that he could spend the night with me. The next morning he received a phone call from his "roommate/best friend" around the time that he would normally be getting home from work. When she asked him how far away he was, he told her he was at the store and would be home shortly. I just kinda sat there with this dumbfounded look on my face as he proceeded to tell me that his roommate had locked herself out of the house and bolted out of my door. He called an hour later and apologized to me for lying to her about where he was but never really said why he lied. Fast forward to the weekend...I usually have very little time for him on the weekends, but as I said, this week I was on vacation. Saturday morning when he got off work, he texted me instead of calling to say he made it home. Then sent me a subsequent text to say he was very tired and needed to get some sleep. I called him about 4 hours later and he didn't answer (just to put this into perspective...this was the 1st time he'd EVER missed my call). 3 hours later, around the time I would normally being getting off work, he sends me a text message which I didn't reply to. He called me, we talked, I didn't bring it up and we made plans to go have breakfast Sunday morning when he got off work. Sunday morning arrives, he's not at my house at our prearranged time so I call him. He proceeds to tell me that he sent me a text message earlier to let me know he wasn't able to make it! (Now is probably a good time to share the fact that his "roommate/best friend" is off work on weekends.)I responded by asking him to stop by my house for about 30 minutes so we could address some of my concerns; he obliged. I addressed my concerns about the roommate and the odd behavior, he assured me that things were not as they seemed and that he do everything he could to remove any doubts I had. Still, just a few hours after our visit, I called and he once again did not answer and didn't return my call within a reasonable time frame. So...I disappeared without warning. I have not taken any of his calls or replied to text messages. As of right now I have 22 missed calls and 7 text messages and it's only been 24 hours. Am I doing the right thing by leaving this guy alone? Did I over-react or misread the signs? Does it sound like I have reason to be suspicious of this mysterious best friend?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No, do not be blinded by your emotions here. This guy's shady. And whatever he's up to with that "roommate" of his, I'm quite sure has something to do with it.

First off, I believe she's a friend with benefits. Secondly, it would NOT surprise me one bit it he brought you to his place while she was there - to prove a point and possibly play a game with her. Which would explain her odd silence and ignorance towards you, upon seeing you. She wanted to "check you out" but probably promised that she wouldn't cause a scene or get jealous. So she "checked you out" - but didn't acknowledge you, which is indicative that she was somehow resentful of your presence there.

It could be that during this friends with benefits period, one of them said "enough." So they decided to be "friends" only and probably agreed that it's okay to see other people and decided to still room together. So, as many men take to doing, he flaunted another female in her face to prove that he could - to hurt her.

And apparently, it worked. Because I think they're back in the saddle again.

Honey, I fear you may have gotten caught in the middle of something here :-(

And it wouldn't surprise me if these two are on again, off again, on again, off again. Sometims in those situations, due to the living conditions, it takes a long time to officially break up.

And you most definitely did the right thing here by disappearing on him. And now, he's acting like an Aries nutball by calling like a stalker.

I don't think you've over reacted. He's behaving shady without explanation and your gut is speaking to you - and you're listening. You're not proceeding, which is what women should do when their guts are rumbling.

Did you know that human beings are the ONLY living creature on earth that, when their guts sense danger - they proceed anyway. ALL other living creatures on earth retract, but humans, tend to proceed right into it.

Don't do that. Listen to your gut. There's definitely something going on here that he's not being honest with you about.

Anonymous said...

Update: Thanks you! You have a gift! I never considered a friend with benefits, but I think you are dead on. All of the text messages and voice mails I've received said something along the lines of "What did I do?" "Please call me" "What ever it is, I'm sorry" and so on....But around 3am I received a text message (I did not respond) it read: "She's moving out Friday, I'll stay at your house until then or you can stay at mine. Friday I will give you a key. My place then becomes your place. Please call me"

Yesterday I easily ignored his calls. I was somewhat annoyed with the "I'm sorry but I don't know what I did" text messages and just confused about the situation in its entirety. But I can't lie...I've been very tempted to answer his calls since that 3am message. Your input, combined with his gesture let's me know that she was, in fact, a friend with benefits.

However, it seems like he cares enough about me to end that "friendship" and create an environment conducive to trust. I'm beginning to question whether or not I should give him another chance. I can't tell if he's a good guy that just made a mistake or a player that's toying with me.

EmotionalRoadKill said...

@Anonymous 9:04 Why rushing into potentially having your feelings hurt again? If he's serious about you today he won't feel different tomorrow...if I was in your shoes I would sit back and watch things unfold...action speaks louder than words. I know how hard it is to take a step back, but your happiness deserves to be your first priority.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well this is the point where you're going to need to make a judgment call here. If you give this a shot, you're going to have to spend some time around him for a while to make a final decision. You don't know enough about him yet to decide if he's a jerk or just a good guy, flailing around.

Ultimately, this is your decision. But I can give you some things you need to think about:

1) She - could be you someday. If he'll end a situation like this once, he's probably got a pattern of doing so. And that means, when he decides it's over someday, he'll flaunt other women and "transition" from one relationship to the next - while you're still in the picture.

2) These things don't just come to an abrupt halt. She may indeed leave - and then begin calling everday or popping in unexpectedly. She may change her mind and then become competition that's hard to compete with because there's a history here between them.

3) Don't jump right into a relationship with this one. Spend time, make no promises, and get to know him before committing to anything here.

4) Be realistic about the outcome. Realize that if you do this, you're taking a chance, you're sticking your neck out there - because he's attempted to mislead you about this situation which to me, is akin to lying about it. So if this blows up or he burns you, be prepared to accept the fact that it was your decision to take a chance here and you full well knew that could happen. Don't beat yourself up over a failure here.

5) Realize that this isn't evidence that he genuinely cares. I know it seems that way. But you need to realize that some folks are what I call "runners." When things get thick, they put on their running shoes and out the door they go. And when runners take off, they sprint for someone else's arms as a justification or a way out. I know it seems like he cares, but he may also have his jogging shoes on and he's sprinting towards you full speed at the finish line. In otherwords, there's a possibility that he's not running TOWARDS you - he's running AWAY from her.

Mull over all of the above and then reach your decision. And if you proceed, just keep these things in perspective is all - and know that it may not turn out as you hope.

The other option is, you may be one of the few that ends up pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

Just be very aware of the facts at all times.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@@Anonymous, Dec. 11 9:04AM,
I have to agree with EmotionalRoadKill, I wouldn't be jumping into anything here.

There are so many variables and dynamics at play right now - you could get run over or put yourself out there to be used.

I think, given all the things I've provided for you to mull over, it's a much safer option to hang back and see what he does, how he handles this and if he's still around two weeks from now.

EmotionalRoadKill said...

What does it mean when....a man says you are "sweet"?! So English is not my first language and my definition of "sweet" would be supportive, positive and happy without expecting anything in return. Since I haven't heard from the guy in over 2 weeks ( we only used to email, he seems cool, no one was needy or creepy, he always replied / came looking for me when I was busy), I was wondering if " sweet" is just a synonym for " nice" and I missed something important due to my lack of language skills - shame on me haha!

Anonymous said...

I need some advice...I have been seeing this guy for a couple weeks now and he is a great guy...but i am really good at sabotaging things with people...I am a Taurus so I'm naturally a jealous person...and we met on a website not intended for dating, but it happened that way and he tries to avoid drama by just being general and really short with his stuff online so it doesn't start anything...well some of the things hes been general about i have taken the wrong way by reading into it too much...is there any advice on how not to sabotage a relationship?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I do believe sweet is another word men use for "nice." I've heard them say, "Yea, she's a really sweet girl. A nice girl, ya' know?"

Being nice isn't a bad thing. But when it comes to the modern day world, you do need to watch out for those who seek nice people out - to take advantage of them in some way.

So while it's perfectly fine to be nice, you can't be too nice - you have to have your guard up and look out for yourself these days.

So when he does reappear, don't be so nice to him this time around. Ignore that call/text for a few days before responding and mirror his behavior.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec. 12 12:18AM,
Well it's really not about sabotaging things and it's not really about relationships . . . it's about you being unable to control your emotions.

When you let your emotions steer the wheel, they will steer you towards panic, insecurity, fear, over reacting, over analyzing and impulsive behavior.

I learned to control my emotions by NEVER taking action when I was in an emotional state. It took a while, but over the years, when I would get worked up or fearful over something, I learned to laugh it off instead and wait for 2 or 3 days before saying anything. And most times, by then, it would dissipate and I wouldn't even address it. Things that seemed like the end of the world one day, 3 days later suddenly didn't seem all that important.

Eventually, after practicing waiting days before taking action - I got to the point now where, I really don't take any action at all. Meaning, if my emotions get riled up over something, it's not often that I show that to anyone. Men try to push my buttons, and I just sit back, watch the show - and have a laugh these days, LOL.

Anonymous said...

Thanks...I really think I did ruin it with my emotions I think hes broken up with me without telling me I mean I am supposed to be his gf but I am now deleted from his friends list on the site we met from...I am very confused and dont know what to do...he talks to me every day and when were around each other all he does is smile and stare at me and tell me how beautiful i am i just don't get it

Anonymous said...

Hey M.O.A., great site! I enjoy your posts immensley, keep them coming! I am seeing a Sag man and you got him in 1. He is progressed but veers into the dark side now and again. I am a Gem and he enjoys my light side, it's obvious. My question is how to deal with him when he is down? I feel like when I ask questions to help him vent, he just keeps going down that dark road. Eventually I told him that I am not asking him his business anymore but when he wants to tell me, let me know. He laughed and said he would def. tell me but I think that might be safest. We are good otherwise. He is not a big caller but is always happy to hear from me when I call and I am good with that. They have this knack of making you feel so special when they talk to you, don't they? LOL It's just the sad thing. Life is hard for him right now, I know his stresses and they are big. He gets wrapped up in that and everything falls by the wayside which I understand. Any advice on how to handle the gloomy Sag?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Leave him be during those times. Sags do not like to feel obligated, tied down or bound in any way. Asking questions probably makes him feel obligated to answer and share his personal business and may feel like pressure to him.

So the best thing to do with a Sag, one that's down or not, is give them plenty of room to breath and a lot of space to move about and think in.

He'll work out his issues on his own. And if he needs help, wants to vent or needs assistance, he'll ask for it.

Anonymous said...

thanks M.O.H., I appreciate the advice!

I just think as a Gem that if people don't ask, they don't care and I did not want him to get that impression at all. One other point, isn't it wierd how even though Sags are a fire sign, they are somewhat passive. Not in energy level but in taking the lead in a situation or at least that's my take. Do you feel the same way? Strange eh....

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I dated a Sag for two years and my father and sister are both Sags.

They seem to just roll with the punches most of the time.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much...we ended up having a big fight and broke up but in less than an hour I guess we were tech back together...but he says hes not going to be as open about his feelings...he def seems distant but I do hear from him daily I'm sure in his eyes I need to earn his trust again with all the times I have panicked and questioned things.

Unknown said...

Hi thank you so much for your advice and you're so right but the thing here is I find it so hard to leave this all alone. I haven't heard from him all week and I haven't seen or contact him either. I was actually hoping to get a call from him or text. Now I feel even worst used and tossed aside like I never matter to him

Anonymous said...


I liked a guy who was a friend of mine and told him my feelings a little early since I wanted to be honest with a friend.He said he doesnt feel the same but however wanted to see if things can work out and we started to get to know each other and I started drifting away because I could see that he had no feelings for me.And he took it that I give up easily and said that I lack many things and he cannot go out with me.I feel I shouldnt miss out a chance with him but I am afraid I already did the damage because he said he will never meet me again.Is there any way I can get him??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you're asking if there's a way to make a man fall in love with you or want a relationship with you - no, there is not.

You cannot make a man love you or want to be with you. If a man cares for you or is genuinely interested, he'll come for YOU. It shouldn't be the other way around.

And why would you want a man in your life that doesn't care for you anyway, ya' know?

If he doesn't care for you - that's HIS loss, not YOURS.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I met him on internet. We dont talk often, but we have talked for over a year now. He bought me ticket twice to go and visit him in Poland (he is Polish), and we cancelled due to work etc. Lately in November He bought another ticket, I visited him. He treated me so nice, and we had good time for a week. He now left for hollidays to S.America but we still chat sometimes when we meet on line. He seems to really like me but he has no plan of comming to Norway, instead he wants me to go back to him, when he gets back home from hollidays. Should I think there will ba anything serious between us?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Sure, anything's possible. However, there is something here that's jumping out at me. And that is - that he's asking YOU to do all the work and travel here and to come to him. Fairness, respect and balance are all very important in relationships. And he's coming off like he's not willing to be fair or create balance here. He's coming off like this is all about him and making things easy on him.

I don't like that.

You've gone to him once already. If he can fly to S. America for holiday, he can fly to Norway to see a woman he's interested in. That seems fair to me. You flew to him once, now it's his turn to fly to you. And if he's genuinely interested in you, that's exactly what he'll do. If he's only half interested, he won't fly to you. He'll want you to come to him.

So if I were you, I'd test him. I'd tell him that you flew once to him, now it's his turn to reciprocate. That's what's fair. Tell him you'd like for him to see where you come from and there are things there that you'd like to do with him and show him. Tell him you're excited for him to come see you.

If he refuses to do so, then he's not that interested and I don't think he's serious about this.

If he comes to you, then he's serious.

That's how you make a man prove himself to you and prove that he's genuinely, seriously interested. If a man won't prove himself to you, he's not worth your time.

Anonymous said...

well it has been over a week since we had that big fight and no panicking or anything, and well at 1st things seemed fine i was hearing from him daily and now the last 2 day NOTHING i'm worried i have lost him...i send him messages on KIK and he reads them and no reply and the day before he read my message and all i got the whole day was a 1 word reply...what should i do? I have not sent anything today and he hasnt either :(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You should stop contacting him, it's decreasing his attraction and interest in you. Women should never chase or pursue men. Women should make themselves scarce so that men pursue them.

There's nothing you can do to make a man love you or want to be in a relationship with you. You're going to have to sit back and see if he comes to you. Don't contact him, don't remind him you're there and don't try to convince him to be with you. Those are all turnoffs to men.

If he genuinely likes you, he'll seek you out. If he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be and nothing you can do can change that.

Start dating other men and live your life. They always say, the best revenge is - doing well.

Anonymous said...


I am in a new relationship (2 months) and he was kind of like some of the men you have described. he was texting or calling often in the beginning. I ended up sleeping with him about a month into the relationship. Since then, I still hear from him, but not as often.

Now, he is away visiting his family for 10 days. I heard from him this past Friday to let me know he made it and he said that we would talk this past weekend, but I haven't heard from him. It has not been unusual to not hear from him when he is in town for two days, but usually if that happens, I end up either sending him a message or calling, and then I begin to hear from him more often. Today is Monday and I haven't heard from him since Friday and it's killing me not to contact him, but I'm trying really hard to stay busy. Any thoughts?

Anonymous said...

I generally do not date...he is still my boyfriend until he says otherwise and we are supposed to spend new years eve together...but do you think i should still just back off?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, first I have to ask - did he ask you for a commitment? Did he agree to be exclusive with you? Did he ask to be your boyfriend?

Because if he hasn't told you he loves you and he hasn't asked you for a commitment, then he's not your boyfriend - he's a guy you dated for 2 months is all.

You can't consider a man your boyfriend until he's told you he loves you and he's asked you for a commitment. If he hasn't asked you for a commitment and he hasn't told you he loves you, then I doubt that he views himself as your boyfriend. (Just because you sleep with a guy doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you.)

And if you're the one doing all the work here and keeping this going by initiating the communication, that's not a good thing, that's a red flag. And it means that he's only half interested. Because when a man is genuinely interested and he wants a relationship with a woman he:

1) Asks for a committment
2) Tells her he loves you
3) Communicates regularly with her
4) He initiates the communications
5) He asks her out on dates
6) He makes time for her
7) He wants to dominate her time and spend lots of his with her

If you want to know if he's genuinely interested or not, then don't call him. Don't initiate the communication and stop doing all the work. Let him come to you.

If a man genuinely likes a woman, he will seek her out. If he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. It's never good for a woman to pursue or chase a man. He should come to her, not the other way around.

Anonymous said...

Yes, he has told me he loved me, asked for the commitment, and asked to be exclusive...hes the one who always makes the plans its just been since the HUGE fight we had hes eve joked around before saying so you ready to marry me yet

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well given the time frame of only two months, this seems too soon for a man to request a commitment. It usually takes men about 6 months to start experiencing deep, deep feelings for a woman. Sometimes you can expect that to begin around 3-4 months, but at 2 months - for all of that, it seems way too soon.

As a result, I'm not sure I'd buy it. It's smelling like the ole "sweep her off her feet" method a bit to me. Read the section at the top of this article "he asks for a commitment too soon."

Anonymous said...

Well I went and changed all my contact info so the ONLY way he has to contact me is my cell phone if he even decides to do that which I am sure he will cuz he will like to put the blame on me I'm sure

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well whatever happens, DON'T come unglued. Stay cool, calm and collected and don't let your emotions take over. Be the bigger person here and if he wants to act like a fool, then let him. But you don't stoop to his level - you're better than that.

So whatever he throws at you, you think before you answer. Stay calm and take 5 or 6 seconds for yourself before responding. Don't respond emotionally, respond logically.

He'll HEAR that.

The less emotional you are (angry, frustrated, etc.) the more emotional he'll become - and he'll HEAR you.

Anonymous said...

ok i will do that thank you...i hope it all works i am just tired of being ignored and being 2nd to a stupid website

Anonymous said...


May I point out that things work differently on the dating scene in England than in the USA to all the UK readers.

It's changing ever so slightly, but in the main, people commit sooner as boyfriend and girlfriend and you don't get many Brits sleeping with lots of people, unlike Americans, who seem to circle date and sleep with others till they have 'the conversation'.

Usually here, if you sleep with a guy/girl, it's exclusive and a done deal as bf and gf, if he has courted you before you've slept together (e.g. taken you on lovely dates and initiated all the contact (or most) or rather, done 95% of the chasing!).

Just thought I'd let you know the difference :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I imagine there are some cultural differences when it comes to dating and honestly, I'm glad to hear that not every man on the planet is out there acting like the majority of American men these days.

Sounds like European men know how to treat a lady like a lady. It's refreshing.

So American gals, be on the lookout for the British men here in the states, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

ok so here is the update....he has not contacted me at all...so therefore he wants nothing to do with me and nothing he ever said to me was true :(

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,

For one, you are impecable in your romantic advice.
For two, I am in dire need of it.

I have been dating this guy for 3 months. We made out, snuggled etc. but did not sleep together. After 3 months, I felt that I wanted to step up in our courting and hinted at going over to his place for a cooking date. He took the bate and invited me. Fast forward, after the meal we were snuggling and kissing on the sofa. All of a sudden he got up and sat as far away from me as possible and began to meditate (to me it looked like he was falling asleep). Bewildered I sat on the sofa for 5 minutes alone while he was not saying anything to me. So I nicely asked if he was coming back to me, to which he replied "Nah, I am good here, why don't you come sit here with me". I said that my couch was bigger and so more comfortable, and he still didn't budge. So 15 minutes stranded alone in his apartment I left with his final words of "Your missing out on something good". 3 weeks later, I got a romantic youtube video and e-mail from him. Like you always say, I was firm and did not reply. 4 days before New Years, I got a text this time, saying "I think we need to move past the misunderstanding. I am disappointed that I haven't heard from you - your loss"....

What game is this guy playing? Does he deserve another chance. Please advise.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'm going to call this completely from my "gut" here . . but I think this man has performance issues (i.e. Erectile dysfunction).

I and my girlfriends have encountered men like this. Some are willing to work past it but others try to conceal it to such a great extent, via excuses, that they're not willing to work on it. Instead, the run from it, make excuses not to be in intimate situations and delay having sex abnormally long periods of time.

But all the while, they're eluding to the fact that it will be great. (Even though it may never happen.)

When a man avoids intimate (i.e. sexual moments) with a woman, it's usually a giant red flag that he has issues with intimacy. And as a result, he will make excuses and avoid intimate moments at all costs. The only other thing is could be is he may have an STD and isn't sure how to approach the subject with you. But I tend to think that's not the case and that he has intimacy issues.

This is up to you if you feel he's worth it. However, it appears to me that he's not willing to talk about it with you or approach it in a direct manner. He's attempting to hide it through bizarre behavior that he also expects you to understand, yet he won't explain.

If he wants you to move past the misunderstanding - then he needs to TELL YOU what the misunderstanding was.

If he's unwilling to admit to issues of some sort or provide a legitimate explanation for his behavior - then he's not willing to open up to you which again, is indicative of intimacy issues. Because those issues can be both sexual and emotional in nature. Men that have no sexual issues can have emotional issues.

So he's either got sexual intimacy issues or emotional ones (where he won't let anyone "in" or get close to him).

Either way, he's got issues, honey.

And if he isn't willing to open up about them, then you move on. You can't help him if he doesn't want to let you in. And if that's the case, it'll never work.

Anonymous said...

My gut told me it was intimacy issues as I can see his is guarded and attempts to play the cool nonchalant guy which sometimes just comes off douche.

Honey thanks you for the prompt reply :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror Of Aphrodite,

I have this problem. You see, Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for 10 months now in a long distance relationship. Many said that it is a good thing. Well it is hard to keep a long distance relationship. Anyway, nowadays, I feel like he's hiding me from everyone else. I dont know for what reasons. Most of his friends doesn't even know that he has a girlfriend (which are girls). Well, they don't believe him.

We constantly chat on Facebook and whenever I posted something on his wall, he will only like it. When other girls posted something on his wall, he like and commented on it. I feel less important. I ever asked him why he never talks about me to his friends. He said " I did but only a few. Just not everyone cause I dont want anyone stealing you away from me".

I dont know whether this is something I should get worked up about. Is it me or what? Please do help me Miss. Aphrodite. I really do want to work this out. Advice me please. Thank you :'(

P.S: Email me if you can. shafiqahlovesyou@hotmail.com

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Personally, I think he may have a girlfriend possibly. Maybe not a full time one, but there's definitely someone he's hiding you from, there's definitely someone he doesn't want to know about you.

You refer to this as a relationship, however, is it really? I mean, did he ask you for a commitment? Does he tell you he loves you? Did he ask you to date him exclusively?

Or are you just assuming it's a relationship because you've been speaking for 10 months?

And if he's distancing himself from you, there isn't much you can do except - do the same. You can't make a man love you and you can't make him want a relationship with you. So don't beat your head against the wall trying.

If it was meant to be, it will be. If not, it won't - and you will be led down a new path.

Alana said...


I am going through a very difficult time with my guy right now and would love your insight. Even though I know the *practical* answer is to simply move on, I'm in a very painful and confused state and really could use some encouragement and experienced perspective. I'm sorry that this is uber long, but the chronology might be important.

I initially met him in January 2011. We clicked and had a great time right away, and things were off to a good start. He was VERY communicative right off bat, in touch every day, even if it's just to say hi or to ask how my day was - and would call me every few days just to hear my voice. He treated me really well, always remembered what I said I wanted to see/do and immediately take me there for the next date, and was very affectionate. The only thing was that I wasn't 100% physically attracted to him, so it was easy to pace the physical relationship even though we were seeing each other 2-3x a week.

End of Feb 2011: On our last date, he suggested that I go over to his place and he would cook dinner for us. His place is 45 mins away from mine. After the meal, we made out a bit (for the very first time - only got to 2nd base while i kept all my clothes on) and he suggested that I stayed the night - and even offered me his spare room. I asked if he could drive me home, and he said no but offered to call a cab and paid for the cab instead. I read into that and thought that maybe he wouldn't have made a good BF, so wrote him off. (Later on - a year later - he explained it was because he had drunk a lot of wine at that point)

Early Mar 2011: I then went on a business trip and he texted me while I was away, saying that he was at a Spanish restaurant and thought of me, and that he couldn't wait to see me again when I was back from the business trip. I didn't reply.

We subsequently then went onto meet other people - and separately went into year-long relationships with other people.


Alana said...

(Continuing on)

Fast track to July 2012: I texted him (while I had a separate BF) to ask him if I could set him up with a girl friend of mine. I didn't ask if he was single - just assumed that he would say so if he wasn't. He said yes, so I arranged lunch for the two of them to meet. When I showed up, I was surprised that he had become a lot fitter and lot better. His feedback on the setup was that my friend wasn't my type, but that I am and that I looked great. Meanwhile my friend's feedback was that he was still very much in love with me and that it was evident (it wasn't to me). My reply to him was that I had a BF then and that we should just stay friends.

Oct 2012: I broke up with my then-BF and called this guy up to catch up. He was so eager to hear from me, and arranged to meet right away. I mentioned (among other things) that I was single and he wanted to catch up again shortly after. We went on 2 dates, the last of which I mentioned I wanted to go to the James Bond opening weekend. He booked the movie tickets the day immediately after our date, but was scheduled to go away for vacation the following week, returning the day before our movie date.

The day he returned, he messaged to say that something had come up and that he couldn't do the movie anymore - said he would explain in a few days. Those few days never came.

Early Dec 2012: I just thought something wasn't right, so randomly texted him: "Hey you, not talking to me anymore?" He immediately texted back and said that he owed me an explanation, and whether I would meet him the next day so he could explain. I said I was travelling, but he followed up again a few days later again and we managed to get a date in.

However, he then came down with the flu that week and we pushed the date back again - and I noticed that his texts had reverted to the very affectionate "Hey gorgeous", "big kiss!" "night sweetpea" type messages from 2011.


Alana said...

(continuing on)

When we finally met up late Dec 2012, he explained that he had been in a relationship in 2011 (which coincided with mine) and that he had ended it around the time I set him up with my friend, but that the ex had wanted to reconcile in October. He said it didn't feel right to see both of us at the same time, hence the cancellation. I told him he could've just told me at the time, and his response was that he thought it was the sort of thing that was better explained in person. I then asked him if things were over with the ex - and he said yes.

We continued on in the evening and he came over - and we made out (to 2nd base). I told him I wasn't ready to sleep with him, and his response was, "ok... I really like you and don't want to lose you again, so you tell me how far you want to go." After a night of heavy petting, I sent him home and he texted me to say how great it was to see me again.

Xmas Eve 2012: He texted to wish me a merry Xmas. However, I noticed that the text wasn't as affectionate as before (rather than starting with the usual "hi beautiful", it was just a friendly "Hey Alana, hope you're enjoying the holidays - merry Xmas!".

I thought he would ask me out for NYE, but he didn't. NY also came and went with no Happy NY messages - so I was getting a bad feeling.

Then yesterday I got a text from him: "Hey Alana, how are you?" As per your disappearing/reappearing advice, I ignored it. Then 4 hours later, he wrote again: "Looks like the ex and I are going to try again. Sorry to have messed you around. Wish you all the best for 2013 and take care. Guy x"

I wrote back, "I see - that's really too bad, but thanks for letting me know. Best of luck to you guys"

But I was really devastated - this year around, he was really growing on me (esp with the physical attraction coming back) and thought things were really coming together between us, so I felt completely ambushed. In hindsight, the subtle changes in the tone of his texts were telling of when he was trying to reconcile with the ex - including Xmas Eve which was also his birthday, so I had a feeling his ex celebrated it with him which explained the change in tone.

Even though it's only been a handful of dates, I found it so hard to swallow that he would still take his ex over me - when he seemed SO in love with me in 2011 that I thought we would be a sure thing.

And I find it so hard not to kick myself - if I hadn't given him up in 2011, he would never have met this ex!

As I said, I know the practical reality is that I need to move on, but I am just so confused as to what happened/where his mind is at and what I could've done to change things.


-- Alana

BTW the guy is a Sagittarius and just turned 42 over Xmas, while I'm 31.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

This has nothing to do with you personally. He's currently emotionally involved with another woman is all.

You can't compare yourself (a woman he dated for a month or two) to this other woman (a woman he has a year long history with and was in love with).

Don't do that or you're going to beat yourself up here over something that's out of your control. He was in love with her, honey. And he was in lust with you. You didn't date him long enough for him to be in love with you, you didn't have the level of intimacy with him that she has created over their year long relationship and his feelings for her are fresh while his feelings for you have diminished over time I imagine. That's just how it goes, love.

You can't compete with that. And chances are, they're going to break up again because when a long term relationship is on again, off again, on again - it's on it's way out, more or less.

It's just like that old saying, "Breaking up is hard to do." And they're going through that little dance right now.

So sit back and bide your time. In a couple of months, he may be available.

And you need to recognize that - he's a good guy. He hasn't necessarily lied here and he didn't play both of you women at the same time when he easily could have.

He respects you, sweetie - and that's a good thing. Chances are, when this relationship of his is over - you'll be the first one he thinks of :-)

Alana said...


Thank you ever so much for the kind reply - I am really grateful for your wise words. I completely agree with you that he's been honest about the whole thing, so I do give him credit for that. It just doesn't feel very nice to be the one caught in all of this, but it's nice to know that it has nothing to do with me. Your explanation makes a lot more sense than the "it's just that he has better chemistry with her" explanation.

Thanks again - I think you have an extraordinary talent here!

-- Alana

Shelly said...

Hi MOA...I've enjoyed your site and thought i'd see what you have to say about my situation. I'm a 40 year old Virgo female and he is a 24 year old Sagittarius. (I look and act a lot younger than I am!) We work together. We have been hanging out/dating for about 3 months now. He has been a perfect gentleman, the first few times we hung out, he didn't try anything out of line. We didn't even kiss until about a month ago (about 2 months after we started hanging out). We cuddle and kiss on his bed and sometimes we end up falling asleep but then i'll get up and go back to my bed (we live in trailers on site where we work). He said he hasn't been in a relationship for a long time because most women he dates end up being crazy (one tried to stab him when he broke up with her) so therefore he said he doesn't like to get his feelings involved. But yet he would ask me to hang out every single day after work, we would either play pool or go to the bar or go shopping or watch movies on his bed and cuddle. It was absolutely perfect. Before one of us would go on our 2 week break to go home, he would repeatedly say how much he was going to miss me. He said I am the only reason he comes back to this job, and the more time he spends with me, the more he wants to spend time with me. Our boss even told me he is so head over heels for me that he isn't doing his job good enough because I am too distracting for him.

So after a perfect first 3 months, now this is happening; 3 times this week he turned me down when i asked if he wanted to hang out after work, twice he was too tired (we work nights and he needs a few days to get back onto this schedule) and once he was starting to feel like he was getting sick, plus he was tired since I was in his room a long time the day before. Also on our breaks, we normally play pool or foosball or some other game but now the last 5 or 6 days, all he wants to do is watch tv. He says he's too tired and/or lazy to play anything. He still smiles when he talks and makes eye contact a lot and comes over by me to talk and even the other day he tickled me and put his arm around me while we were working, so his interest isn't completely gone. Maybe he IS really tired and sick, maybe i'm reading too much into things, but I still can't help but feel like he isn't as interested as he was just a week or two ago. Is all this time together possibly smothering him, even though he likes me? Should I continue to go with the flow and not ask him to hang out? He seems to like to be in control so I have been avoiding forcing anything, including talking. He is always the one who brings up his feelings even though he claimed he doesn't like to deal with them, so I think i'm doing something right, i'm just scared i'm losing him now.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Oh my dear, I fear that what I'm about to say is going to hurt you. But honey, situations like this generally aren't made for the long run, they're usually brief affairs.

The age difference between you two simply isn't just an age difference, it's a generation difference. He's just a boy, only 24 years old. And what generally happens in these situations, even when it's a 40 year old man dating a 24 year old girl, is that the young individual outgrows the other. And it's nothing personal, it's just that there's a generational difference here and naturally, a 24 year old is still growing and exploring the world and looking for their place in it.

I mean, let's face it, none of us are the people we were when we were 24. We don't have the same wishes, desires, likes, wants and interests anymore. We've grown. And that's what a 24 year old does, they grow. It's what they're supposed to do. They either meet someone their own age, change their mind, think it through and move on, or simply change direction.

This is a situation sweetie where, you were never going to have him for very long. I'd give him plenty of time and space right now. I imagine he's thinking the very same thing I just stated above. And he may realize the harsh truth and he's now attempting to distance himself from you and from his feelings.

If you push here, you're going to make him distance himself further. You need to remain calm, happy, and confident - giving him no pressure and plenty of breathing room. If he wants to spend time with you, he's more than capable of asking and showing you that. So step back and let him.

If this was meant to be, it will be. And if it turns out that it wasn't, cherish the memories, accept the truth and move on.

Shelly said...

Thanks for replying so quickly! About the age difference, I knew that wouldn't help my case, but HE was the one who said age doesn't mean anything. I look and act like i'm in my 20's so thats what everyone thinks when they meet me so it's really like there is no gap there at all. But, i guess it might bother him somewhat, now. I am giving him space, i'm trying my hardest not to text or call him, and it hurts so much. Just 2 days ago we were cuddling in his bed and he was kissing me softly and it was perfect. He even got up out of bed when I left and held his arms out for a hug. There has to be a reason he still holds on and doesn't let me go completely. Well, that leads me to the next thing I was going to say, we work together 84 hours a week and we are both pretty new to this job so neither of us is quitting anytime soon. So it is literally impossible to get over him since we are together this much. You can't get over someone you see 90% of your waking hours.

Anonymous said...

I went on a date with a Libra guy and after two dates he states I am hard to read, is it bad for a guy to find you hard to read?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No, that's a good thing - if he finds you HARD, that means you're not EASY.

Get what I'm saying here?

Men immediately begin to look for ways to make things easy for them (sex). And if he finds you hard to read, that means he has to think more and try harder.

Men like a challenge. They sleep with easy girls but very rarely marry them. If a guy can't figure you out, that means he'll think about you - a lot.

And that's a good thing. Keep them on their toes ;-)

Unknown said...

I was dating this guy for 3 months and in the first month and a half, it was great...he was the perfect gentleman and made tons of time to see me...then about a month and a half in, he changed (about right after the time we started sleeping together). He started cancelling plans all of the time and it felt like I was initiating all the contact. I asked him what was up and he said that he was very busy with his work, so I tried to give him his space and then he told me that he didn't need his space....that I should still contact him... So, for the next month and a half I felt like I was doing all of the work and making the relationship happen. All the conversations turned to him and he seemed bored when I started to talk about my own life. He would grab his phone and check it when I was talking about myself! He didn't even try to call me on New Years (he was with his kids) Finally, I got tired of this and sent him an email asking him if there was any point to this? Even writing the email made me feel very vulnerable but I wrote it without laying any blame and just simply stating I was confused. I did say in the email that he should take his time and respond to me when he had time to think about things.
However, I did expect him to actually not take his sweet time! He called me a couple of days later and apologized and said that we would talk later when things settled down for him (his dad was in town) After waiting for a week for him to actually call me and talk, I just got tired of it and broke up with him. I feel badly as he is genuinely busy but I was a great girl to him and did expect that he would take my concerns seriously. Did I break it off too soon or did I wait too long to kick him to the curb?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think you did the right thing. And here's why. This is a BIG RED FLAG:

". . .that I should still contact him."

That right there is a man looking to make things easy for himself. It's like saying, "Hey, if I have to put effort into this, I'm not going to, it's not worth it to me. But if YOU want to put EFFORT into this, then I'll go along with it."

Which is PRECISELY what happened.

Any man that thinks you should pursue him is selfish, self-centered and narcissistic. Not good qualities.

Read this piece here:


Anonymous said...

Dearest MOH, I already know my answer but I am hoping you can just slap me upside the head so it will sink in. LONG story short and very brief. Dating a guy for about 2 months, went on one date and then went to console and be with him after a family emergency and well ended up sleeping with him. Shortly thereafter once he went home and back to reality the communcation slowed and of course I asked him if everything was ok as i felt he was distancing himself and he reassured me that his feelings hadnt changed but that he was in a rut and tends to deal internally and get quiet and sometimes withdrawal a little. well its been almost 2 weeks since he has contacted me and I did send a text asking how he was and he didnt reply. My heart tells me the opposite of my brain... Do i cut my losses and say C'est la vie? :( i thought there was so much potential but I feel like an idiot for falling for this guy.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Im new hear but I really need some help. I'm a 21 year old virgo & I have been with my now ex for 2 years. Here is the problem In August, we broke up do to a heated argument but everything was still fine, we would talk and everything else and he would send me gifts for my birthday and talk to my parents etc... but near oct. I realized I was missing him and I wanted him to take me back..so I waited until november to give him a little more time to himself .. I called and we were talking about something and he had happen to mention a date . My heart dropped I was like a date? How many times have you been ut and he said 3 I asked him if he had kissed her and he said yeah... my world came crashing down how could he let 2 years go so fast but I tried to except it fast forward beginning of december he would text me little flirty messages asking what we were doing for Christmas etc I was angry so I was like why are you asking me dont you have a girl and he didnt respond he text me once agin thay week but I was busy so I thought nothing of it. So school was out for christmas break and I came home wanting to be happy then once again my world came crashing down I found out his dad died ... and I wanted to do nothing but tell him & that I was there for him he would talk to me and call me and everything but when I finally made up my mind that I wanted to be with him he shoved me away saying he needs time and blah blah blah.. but if you need time why are you seeing some one else and he sas they are not in a relationship and they have whatever they have gpong on. I Begged I pleaded all of the above I was so hurt a n d it still didnt change anything. He says he still cares and that this doesnt necessarily mean he's moved on but I cant help but think he has .. I finally gathered my emotions together to say that I realized that me trying to change your mind isnt going to work but you have to change your own mind so I will just leave you alone. I aslo said I cant promise is to say when you finally do change your mind if I will be there but if Im not seeing anyone we can work on us. It was so hard for me to say that because I know deel down inside im not going anywhere and Im holding on to what little hope I do have left... help idk what to do I hlnestly do see him in my future and he knows the love I have for him why wont he just change his mind. He aslo said he doenst necessarily believe that I wont be in his future Btw ive been doing no contact for a week now its so hard bc I think that hes getting closer and closer to this girl everyday and that he will eventually get over me

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 11, 3:44PM,
I think it's time to initiate "no contact":


And when in a situation where a guy states his wishes like that, you need to make him live with the consequences:


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 11, 4:06PM,
"ive been doing no contact for a week now its so hard bc I think that hes getting closer and closer to this girl everyday and that he will eventually get over me."

If that happens, honey, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it unfortunately. You can't make a man love you or want a relationship with you - he has to WANT it too.

"He says he still cares and that this doesnt necessarily mean he's moved on. ."

I fear he's stringing you along as Plan B :-(

"he shoved me away saying he needs time."

Then you give him exactly what he wants and you make him live with the consequences of that decision:


I think you need to stick with no contact. And that means - when he contacts you - he gets NO RESPONSE whatsoever.

A man that genuinely likes you will pursue you. If he doesn't pursue you after you ignore him, then he's not interested and you need to let go.

I think it's best to let him explore this situation with this other girl as hard as that may be. You can't stop it and nothing you do can change it. They could end up being nothing in a week or two or this girl could discover he's a jerk and hand him his ass.

Lot's can happen but my point is, it's time to stop carrying the weight of a failing relationship on your shoulders. Shake that burden free by realizing you cannot control what happens here and all of this is wasted energy and effort on your part.

You also need to start dating. Why would you wait around for some guy to "pick" you? If he doesn't want you right up front and he has to think about it - he's not worth it.

There are other men out there that would be more than happy to make you their priority.

Never treat someone like a priority while they're treating you like an option.

Anonymous said...

This is so true. Im going to continue no contact and make him live with his decision and if I'm feeling gracious if he comes back around well, he is still going to have to prove somerhing to me. He is an aries so he is naturally jealous. Even when we first broke up he was jealous of some of the attention I was getting. So I know his curiosity will bring him back and make him wonder how I went from begging anf pleading cutting him of as if he made the wrong decision.And as soon as he finds out the grass is not greener, which I honestly believe he will. Well that is a decision he made Thank you

Anonymous said...

so here is my update from my dec 28th post...he called me that day and we talked things seemed to be ok then we argued the day before NYE and he ended it...then a couple days later he sends me a link to a song to apologize and now online it says hes in a relationship he never changed his relationship status when we were together...i am seriously thinking about giving up

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well . . let me ask you - what consequence did you make him experience for his disappearance? Was there any? Or is a phone call all it took to get back into your good graces?

Because when someone treats you poorly, you don't reward them with your attention and affection. If your dog peed on the floor, would you kiss him and give him a hug?

See where I'm going here, sweetie?

If a guy thinks he can push you over and take advantage of you - unfortunately, that's exactly what he's going to do.


Because you permit it and because he can get away with it - and he knows it.

When a guy disappears and he resurfaces and contacts you - you ignore him. You don't jump on that call, you don't return his calls and you don't make yourself available to him. He needs to suffer a consequence for his poor treatment of you and frankly, he expects to. But when he sees that there isn't one, he loses respect for the woman (because there was no consequence) because she permits herself to be trampled on.

If a woman doesn't respect herself, a man won't either :-(

I don't think at this point, sweetie, you have an option other than giving up. It's now out of your control. You need to begin no contact immediately. And if/when he resurfaces again - you issue consequences. You ignore him and you make him pursue you for a solid month. He will gain respect for you and this may pique his interest in you again.

Men love a good challenge, dear. They're very competitive and driven to win. If something's too easy, they take it for granted. And if a woman makes herself too available to a man, it invites bad behavior from him (he takes her for granted.)

Anonymous said...

I use to be that way and tried to be a challenge but the guys that end up interested in me lose the interest cuz they dont wanna chase me...its a lose lose for me

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Are you LETTING them chase you?

Or are you initiating all of the contact While dating? And by doing so, chasing THEM instead?

Anonymous said...

I wish I heard about you earlier before my mess happend.. but its okay because I still need some advice and would like to know if you could tell me what might just happen next. I noticed some of the topics you talked about match some of what I was going through.. I'm going to apologize now for the long message but I thought just so you know what was/is going on now. So I will start from beginning to end.

So my stepsister was going out with this guy for about three years. My stepsister and I are the same age. She was with him from 2009 to 2012. Well in late December in 2012 just before Christmas week he was kicked out og his parents home so my stspesister was worried for him and asked my mom if he could stay at our house until he had enough money to get his own place. My mom agreed and said it was fine.

I then left my house and drove about an hour to pick him up from where he was at. I brought him to my house and about a few days after Christmas he got sick so I brought him to the hospital to find out he has Pnumonia and Bronchitis.. Well while I was at work he would write to me on Yahoo messanger.. he one day in January brought up a discussion that he was unsure about my stepsister. While the convosation was goin on I had asked him if he wanted me to talk to her and he said there was no point he hs been trying for so long.. then he brought up that he would rather hangout with me.. So I was in shock.. well just a a week or two later I felt as if we were getting closer as friends ..I did have feelings for him but I didnt want to hurt my sister. Well I NEVER told him I had feelings for him but he one day took me to my room and asked me if I like him.. I wasn't going to lie to him so I said yes..

Well he said to me he had feelings for me too but he said to me that he wouldnt be able to be with me until he broke up with my sister.(I know very wrong and messed up) but I said okay.. Well little did I know he wass goin to break up with her within the hour. I went to go check to see if he wanted anything seeing dinner wass done and he said yes. Well he also said to me that he was dying to do this and i turned around and plnated a kiss then he tells me he broke up with my sister and we should keep it on the down low...well we tried doing just that..

Fast foward mysister found out what was goin on ..he went back to her for a week I was heart Broken then he went back to me because it wasnt working for them.. then we were togther for about a month and a week ..

Its now march 2012 and we were really good not one arguement I would stay up with him for hours we would cuddle up later in the night he would then tuck me to bed and give me a good night kiss ..well something had happend and i was at work wen i found out .. I ran up to him when I left from wrok.. He said to me has to leave beacause of what was going on well I totally agreed with him because if what had happen to him happend to me i would do the same thing..

Well on March 24,2012 I brought him back to his hometown where I had picked him up from.. We spent the day together.. I bought him a phone so he could ask his friends or family if he could stay there I have him a little extra money so he could get food.. well I knew we were going to break up so we mutually broke up and figured when he finds a place or gets a place we could strat up again so he told me to talk to him everyday which I did but for right now we can be friends..

Fast forward to the summer he went back to my sister again...then many others after her... but he said he isnt ready to date.. I have been there for him since he left my house and would give anyone anything and everything and I did that with him like I would with any of my oher friends..

Anonymous said...


He finally got an apartment of his own a month or two ago.. I have been txting him but it wasn't everyday I felt like I was smothering him so it was every other day or few days then at one point I COMPLETELY stopped txting him and he was talking to me all the time he would call me nothing has changed..

But just rencently I would txt him and he wouldnt respond and when he did it took hours to days before he answered me.. well also very recently I bought him a frame saying friends and engraved it and put a picture of me and him in it.. he absolutely loved it.. he put it up but about three weeks ago.. My mom and I went to visit him we were going to spend the night but that NEVER happend.. When I went to his house I asked about where the frame was and he told me he put it in a bag because his cousin moved in and he felt like it was awkward seeing his cousin liked me.. He wasnt him self at all not very talkative was dozing off and on playing video games and told me about a girl tht he was once with was coming over and she comes over about 3x a week and they are apparently friends but i dont believe tht for a second... well I was soo frustrated of how things were so my mom and I got up and left..i said bye and he said nothing so I was upset but wasnt goin to let it bohter me

He then calls my sister and laughs and says I was upset because he didnt say bye... my sister was upset with him beacuse he was laughing because she thought I had all right to be upset he then went on to talk crap about me and said that I was annoying and that my long txt messages were annoying and that because I wanted to be with him I would pick him up from where ever and drive him back home.. when I heard this that was it I went off on him and gave him the longest txt message ever! (probably want the right thing to do but I did it)
Well he txted me 2hours after I sent him his message and he said " Finally now you hate me and u and your sister are friends again my work is done enjoy life" I then replyed saying I didnt hate him but I was upset and wanted to know why he culdnt tell me I was so called "annoying" and that me and my sister was fine but it was uncomfortable to be around someone that was with the same guy..
he responded saying tht he wants me and my sister to hate him and to be good friedns and thats how it has to be .. so i didnt understand why he wanted us to hate him so i asked him then asked if we could still be friends and he didnt answer any of my questions and said "i want to be hated my reasons are my own so just hate me talk bad aabout me and forget he exists"

so I havent talked to him for a week seeing this just happend last week.. im still soo hurt because I did a lot for him like I would for any of my friends.. So what im wondering now is if he will finally talk to me one day will we be atleast friends because im so done looking for that realtionship with him.. i just my questions answerd by him..i dont think i should contact him and ask for an apology or anything but not to sure what to do..

Again im soo sorry for the long message but thought it would make more sense if I told u everything from the beginnign to the end. Thank you :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I did that with him like I would with any of my oher friends."

Difference is, your other friends reciprocate. What does he do for you in return - other than "take" from you and others?

"He wasnt him self at all not very talkative was dozing off and on . ."

That a BIG RED FLAG for OPIATE ADDICTION, sweetie. Nodding off. Heroin users do this constantly.

"Finally now you hate me and u and your sister are friends again my work is done enjoy life"

He's a SOCIOPATH, honey.

"i want to be hated my reasons are my own so just hate me talk bad aabout me and forget he exists"

That's self-loathing and drug addiction increases it.

"because I did a lot for him like I would for any of my friends."

Why would you go out of your way and treat someone like a friend that isn't treating you the same way and that isn't reciprocating or returning the favors?

"if he will finally talk to me one day"

If you're lucky, he won't and he'll just disappear.

"at least friends"

Honey, this man is NOT your friend. He's a user, a manipulator, probably a heroin addict and has sociopathic tendencies.

"not to sure what to do"

Don't ever speak to him again and in the meantime, read this to understand why. Pay particular attention to the description of a sociopath provided there:


Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the advice. I totally agree that he is a big red flag, a user and manipulator. I wouldnt put it pass him if he was doing some tye of a drug. but it has been two weeks strong of not speaking to him and going to be many more. Thanks again :)

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,
So I have been seeing this guy for about 4months now and everything is going pretty smooth but we have a couple situations. One being about buying a house. When we first started our relationship a couple months in he said I am the one for him and that he wants to buy a house right away with me. Well I am currently in a house for rent but I have to move out by April and he said to me that I could stay at his house. But I feel very uncomfortable doing that because I have two kids and his mom just moved into his house just around Christmas time. I feel as if we don’t have much privacy with his mom living at his house. This is the situation should I stay there for a year to save for a house or do I not and just get a apartment instead.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

DO NOT move into that house, especially with children. Get your own place and remain independent and continue dating him.

There's an old saying, "familiarity breeds contempt."

If all you guys put yourself in a pressure cooker situation like that under one roof, it's bound to boil over. And you don't want to put your children in that situation, trust me.

If you guys are still together this time next year, then go for it....AFTER his mother moves out....or he moves in with you...without his mother.

Anonymous said...

i just read all ur articles here. I am confused about this guy i like so much. We met through a social site like 1 year back. Found out that we r into same profession, and had small friendly talks over the time. All that time i hav'nt met him or seen him. Then one day i was getting bored at work and started talking ramdonly to friends to check who was online, and so i also send him a message. There i asked that we have been talking but havnt met each other,n its high time we shloud atleast meet once. The nxt day after work we met, and he came to see me (i shld also mention that he lives far away from my place,n it took him nearly 2 hrs of drive to reach me). So we met and had a great time together, no physical thing was there that time, and he was a real understanding person, also dropped me home nicely. Then after that one day around christmas ,it was our holidays, n i was home n we started chatting on facebook, he said that its kinda getting bored and asked if he could meet me, i said yes,( the time was around 10 pm), as till then i hadnt had a thought of having him as a boyfrn or sumthing. And as usual, he came to pick me up from home and we went for a drive. We were having a nice time there, and it was kinda very foggy, and he stopped for some time near the park saying he wants to experience the fog, n i went along wid him. Then we were talking, and suddenly we both were kissing each other, and this went on for half n hour or so. Nothing more happened. Then we came back to the car n started moving, and he kissed me again in the car, all this while holding my hands. Sadly we had an accident, n the car broke down,so it got kinda late when i returned home. Even then he was kissing. Later,while chatting, he mentioned that that kiss costed him 75K. And since then twice he made dates and twice he himself cancelled it. But im seriously liking this guy. The electricity i felt while kissing him was out of this world, i hope he felt that too, n since then m really wanting to meet him, but he makes and keep cancelling dates twice,reason being sudden work came up (last date was suppose to happnd yesterday). And he said sorry for that. I warned him that nxt time m not coming if he isnt sure, and he replied that he will definately make up to me and that he misses me too, but due to work and all, he cudnt make it.. I dont want to loose him, as what i felt wid him was something else..
P.s also i was in a relationship around 6 yrs back which ended very badly, n m really anxious that the same dsnt happn now
also this guy is a scorpian n m a cancer..
Plz reply asap..

Anonymous said...

kindly reply to mt post i send earlier today

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

What's your question?

Anonymous said...

hi moa
m the cancer girl from the post @12:38 pm
i just wanna know that if i am being very sceptical, or is it normal for men to behave like that?
Second i never initiated the dates with him..
third.. That he called me last night asking bout what i have been doing and all.. And he kinda told me a bit about a girl in his past, which he said was casual and has no meaning..(for the first time i know a bit of his past).. Im unable to conclude this person... Kindly help

also i feel he is into me but then he just makes it look friendly..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well no man is going to jump right into a relationship with a woman. And if they do, that's a red flag. He'll be gone just as quick as he arrived.

No, your not being overly skeptical. You should always be skeptical of a man you don't know we'll.

Genuinely interested men will seek you out. Those that are only half interested will not...they will tend to drift in and out of your life. Your going to have to wait and see what his actions show.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Well no man is going to jump right into a relationship with a woman. And if they do, that's a red flag. He'll be gone just as quick as he arrived.

You say that, but there are many incidences I've known, that the man just knows she is The One pretty instantly either immediately or date 2 or 3.

Please elaborate on your theory?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think they say it best here:

"You can’t be serious that you think this is in any way normal or healthy. It’s not. Forget about all those stories you hear from friends and on websites or blogs.

While a small percentage of these examples might actually be healthy, the large majority of them are not. Either somebody’s desperation or loneliness is being exploited or they’re both emotionally unhealthy people who happened to find each other, as most emotionally unhealthy people do. That’s it."

And they go on to ask this:

"What exactly is it that you have? What could you have possibly developed in 6 weeks that is so profound?"

"No healthy man is jumping to commit after this short of a time frame. No way. If they do, they’re either really desperate or shady.

Men know that the best way to get a woman to behave the way he would like her to behave is to agree to be her boyfriend and “commit.” It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Once he gives her that, he can pretty much do whatever he wants."

You can read the entire piece here:


Anonymous said...

hi Mirror,

It's a complex area the old brain and heart! lol.

Either somebody’s desperation or loneliness is being exploited or they’re both emotionally unhealthy people who happened to find each other, as most emotionally unhealthy people do. That’s it."

What's wrong with two lonely people finding each other?
What's wrong with emotionally unhealthy people finding each other?

Loads of people are messed up mentally, so if they find each other, what's wrong with that?

Because, the man may or may not be genuine and feel like she is the One, so the best thing a woman can do, to get rid of the weirdo red flags, is just slow it down, to ascertain which one this man is? e.g. a red flag or a keeper.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

When two very desperate, lonely or emotionally unhealthy people meet one another and dive headfirst into a relationship, it leads to co-dependency.

So rather than being in a healthy relationship where two people are independent, yet together as a couple. You instead have a situation that is unhealthy where two people are co-dependent on one another and unable to stand on their own two feet.

This can lead to stalking (if one attempts to leave), physical and verbal abuse (to keep one of them there), or severe clinical depression is one does leave and the other is left behind.

It's really very unhealthy. Two wrongs never make a right. And when two wrong people find one another - it never makes a right.

It only breeds more wrong.

Anonymous said...

hi moa...

i would like to know that why does the guy i like (he is a scorpio) giving me mixed signals?
is it bcoz of his sunsign or just bcoz he is a male..?
sometimes he gets all lovey dovey with me and the next time he acts all distant..
then again he resurfaces and wants to know what i have been doing...
he plans up the dates and had cancelled it himself without prior notice to me..
does he want me or does he do not want me? m not understanding him..
btw.. i act natural, doesnt show him that i am into him but yeah i let him know that if he wants something more than friendship i am ready for it..
we talk almost on daily basis through texts and calls and only went out together twice..
plz guide..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Men generally take a very long time before they will decide to enter into a relationship with a woman and let themselves fall in love with her (about 3-6 months).

If this is happening prior to the 6 month mark, he may be undecided. In which case you need to begin mirroring his behavior towards you. If he takes 3 days to call, you take 3 days to return the call. If he cancels a date and doesn't give you warning or prior notice, you do not answer his next telephone call - at all. You make him make several attempts to get your attention again.

That's how you set boundaries with a man without saying a word and becoming emotional and scaring them away.

And if it's past the 6 month mark and he's behaving like this, chances are honey . . he's never going to enter into a relationship with you and he's using you as a Plan B to fall back on when he hits a rough patch :-(

Anonymous said...


There is a guy that I like. He works at this place that is next to where I work. Once, he initiated the conversation and asked for my name. After that I would catch him staring at me, all the time from a distance. Every time I saw him, I would wave or say hello. Every time he was sorrounded by his coworkers, he would turn away and pretend he didn't see me. I don't know if he is doing this to prevent any type of harrassment report, while on the job. I never try to do anything, while he is with his coworkers. One time he walked past my workplace, and waved. I said hello, and found out he was outside, peeking through the window. He held my gaze, after I looked down. When he walked back, he rapidly passed my place. After this, every time I see him he runs or hides from me. I find it impossible to talk to him, since he evades me. We were okay at first but now I don't know what happened that caused him to change. Is he playing games? Is he nervous? Please help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

LOL, it could be a couple of things but it sounds like he's nervous. Avoiding you and spying and running past the window.

It's kinda cute actually ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi, seeing this guy, He is separated. We have been talking, and spend 3 days in row together. No sex. then for 4 days did not call or text. only responded when I texted him on the forth day. what does this mean?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It means he's testing you. Testing your emotional strength. Will you freak out? Are you a psycho that's going to hunt him down? Are you an emotionally unstable woman? Or will you remain calm, cool and collected?

DO NOT contact him again. He's testing you and he's trying to make this easy on himself by having YOU now begin to do ALL of the WORK here to keep this going.

He's playing on your insecurities here. He's hoping that if he disappears, you'll begin to question things and feel insecure and, as a result, you'll begin to "chase" him.

Don't do that. This is "the game" sweetie.

And the only way to know if a man genuinely likes you or not - is to see if HE pursues YOU. Not the other way around.

There are two video in this piece here. Watch those video clips and notice the difference:


And read the comments there. Particularly the very first one left, the story the woman shares there.

And to gain more insight on "the game" read this piece, written by a self proclaimed player:


Do not contact this man again. You let HIM come to YOU. If he's genuinely interested, that's exactly what he'll do.

If he's only half interested and is simply seeking free sex or a fling of some sort, he'll make one or two attempts and then he'll disappear or he won't make any attempts at all.

That's how you avoid being used by men and you weed out the good guys (genuinely interested) from the bad guys (half interested men looking to use you).

Anonymous said...

Do you think that NC is no good if you have parted on bad terms - not because they have got angry and frustrated but because you have. I wouldn't have thought there was any chance of hearing from someone again if things parted like that but in the past it has happened to me where a year later he showed an interest. Although I think he was on the rebound.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Me personally, I believe that NC is absolutely necessary in those situations. Both parties need to take a break, process what just happened, and then reflect on it.

In the past, I've had situations where there was a huge explosion that amounted to a break up. And I thought, "Well, that's done."

Only to see the man return a few months later.

So it's not impossible and it really all depends on the interest level of the man and the willingness of the woman.

Anonymous said...

I wondered what your thoughts are on men that are insecure. I mean, do they like to chase, I have met a lot of them and they seem to like to be chased as it boosts their confidence. I prefer the guy to chase me but I find it more difficult to gauge them, if you know what I mean.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, it's not actually as hard or complicated as it appears.

Yes, insecure men like to be chased. They don't feel good about themselves and they lack confidence in themselves. They don't know how to make others happy because they're generally self absorbed individuals and they know this - so it's much easier for them to sit back and let individuals come to them, rather than proactively seek them out.

And it's not difficult to gauge a man at all, his interest. The way to do that is to - hang back and see if they pursue you. It's that simple.

Insecure men will not pursue you. They will make one or two lame attempts and then they'll give up and move on to easier prey.

Men that are genuinely interested will seek you out. Which is why you don't contact them, you let them come to you. Men that are interested will contact you.

If it's confusing, that may be because you're initiating communication with the man (you're doing the pursuing) and, as a result, have no clue whether or not the man's just being nice by responding or if he's genuinely interested in you.

If you don't contact men and you let them come to you - it becomes crystal clear who the ones are that are genuinely interested versus the ons that are not.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your advice, you really are a genius. But am too uptight when it comes to relationship, i really dont care. I hadly call my boo.Not a single day goes by without him calling. Am a gemini, who value independence. But i know am selfish sonetimes cos the time he doesnt call, i get very angry. Do u think am been selfish? Its a long distance relationship and i get to see him sometimes once in 2 months. Or am i building any resentment cos of the distance towards him and the relationship. Hes a taurus and can be very irritating with his attitude sometimes. But i love him so much. Please advice me on what to do?? Am practicing exclusive dating with him is it advicable??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"But i know am selfish sonetimes cos the time he doesnt call, i get very angry. Do u think am been selfish?"

Well that depends. If he's telling you he's going to call and then he doesn't, that disrespectful and it's a sign that a man is taking the woman for granted. Meaning, he feels he can treat her any way he likes because no matter what, she'll always be there.

If he's not telling you he'll call and you're just not hearing from him everyday as you'd like to - then yes, that's a bit selfish. It's okay to go a few days in between phone conversations. That way, you have more to talk about when you do talk, you have time to miss speaking to on another and you enjoy those conversations more.

"Am practicing exclusive dating with him is it advicable??"

That depends as well. Did HE as YOU for exclusivity? Did he ask you for a commitment? Because if he didn't and you're just assuming there's one, then that's not good. Because unless a man asks you for a commitment, he doesn't think he's committed.

So if it wasn't HIS idea and he didn't ask for it, then a commitment here probably doesn't exist.

But if he's asked you for a commitment and he knows he's in a relationship because he wants to be, then sure, that's a good thin.

Anonymous said...

Hi man I've been with for 6 months told me he couldn't be in a relationship anymore and said he want to be friends and I told him I couldn't be his friend. I am miserable did I do the right thing?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, you did. Being friends with an ex only causes more pain. It's better for both parties to part ways completely.

Anonymous said...

You give really good advice MoA. I ordered the book 'Men Love Bitches' that you recommended. It came today and I have been reading I am enjoying it!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's a real eye-opener, that's for sure. I read that book in one damn day, I couldn't put it down, LOL.

And if you want another good read, straight from a self-proclaimed players mouth, check out, "The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate--and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top" by handsome hunk, Steve Santagati.

Parts of that one made me want to barf, LOL.

Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Manual-Explains-Think-Mate-Women/dp/030734570X

That's him on the cover . .

Anonymous said...

Mirror, Just ordered the Manual http://www.amazon.com/Manual-Explains-Think-Mate-Women/dp/030734570X

Although, I think I know a player when I see one but I have ordered it anyway as I am sure there will be plenty in there that I don't know. Whilst surfing, I also noticed this one too -


It says men that believe women want men with money, cars, or anything else that is manmade, because that doesn't make any sense. If women really were attracted to something unnatural, how did men meet women before any of those things were invented?

The last point is a good one!

I also ordered Sextology on your recommendation. For Virgo, it says as the opening paragraph, 'And then God made Woman'. Apparently we're the hottest and even hotter than Aries women it says, I thought, yep I'll take that, thanks!

Now I just need a guy to practice my hottness on LOL. * Thumb and finger tapping on table*

@AnonWoman aka Virgo

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror,

I bought the men and bitches book years ago and only flicked through it as I didn't see much that resonated, so I gave it to charity!. I am wondering if I need to buy it back. Or does you site have all the relevant facts on it as i've read all your articles?

Have you read any of these other books on sale here?


I was thinking about 'why men marry bitches might be a good one' or 'how to stop getting dumped' or 'Have him at Hello'


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I've read why men marry bitches and why men love bitches. That one was my fav and I highly recommend it. You can gain much more insight than anything I've written about here. She interviewed 10,000 men for that I believe.

Men do believe women want money, cars, homes and things. But it's not so much the things...it's the level of comfort and security and opportunity a man can provide to a woman and his offspring. And naturally, women recognize that wealthy men can provide a high level of comfort, a high level of security and a high level of opportunity for his offspring.

That's the real reason...men just boil it down to "things." But it's not the things...it's the lifestyle for her and his offspring.

I'm quite sure that back in the caveman days, the man who was the best hunter, was a better warrior/fighter, and had a cave with a roof over his head...got all the girls, LOL.

It's primal. It boils down to which man can provide a better living situation for his offspring.

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror,

I've just bought three of the books just now. Why Men Love Bitches (again) and Why Men Marry Bitches and How to Stop Getting Dumped. I think it was three, not four LOL. These books weren't expensive either so worth the investment I'm sure.

I'm going to have to hide these books on my book shelf somehow cos I don't do Kindle! Damn, that also means I can't read them on the The Tube either! Book cover perhaps? LOL.

Thanks, I will get to grips with them :-)


Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I wrote to you yesterday about staying friends with an ex well he's coming to my office on Thursday for a meeting and the last time he came I was heart broken. He didn't want to talk to me and I went after him and called him so really showed how upset I was that was 4 weeks ago since then I have been doing NC and so has he. I want to make him think I'm fine and over him but don't know if I should be pleasant or ignore him. Thank God we don't work in the same office anymore. Thanks Judy

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, even though you're in no contact right now, this is a situation that call for "game face on."

He's expecting a bit of drama and he's expecting a reaction. Give him the exact opposite of what he's expecting. You make eye contact, stand straight, crack a smile or at least a happy face, and just maintain control.

Brush him off though..be pleasant but brief. Busy yourself and kinda disregard him a bit. Because he's expecting you to be rattled and focused on him.

So busy yourself, be pleasant, be brief and apathetic ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi.. great advice that is what I was planning to do but now that's it getting closer my anxiety is thru the roof. Have the knot in my stomach. Judy

Anonymous said...

Are you single?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

At the moment, yes I am - and it's by CHOICE. I've been entrenched in the dating world for the past 8 years.

For several of those years, I had 2 long term relationships and I turned down 2 marriage proposals. Prior to that, I had a 12 year relationship with a Taurus, married 8 years.

As a result of what I've learned, the information that I share here isn't necessarily about "getting the guy." Don't get me wrong these methods will work. But the real message here is about self-preservation for the woman when dealing with men. . .so that women don't become simply another "hit and run" and then get left for dead along the roadside ;-)

I have learned to take control of my dating life, rather than passively letting men control me. I'm not waiting for a man to pick me - I only give my time and attention to men who deserve it (i.e. treat me right).

As a result, over the past 3 years, I've passed over offers for long term relationships due to the fact that the men who have wanted them - didn't treat me right. They wanted their cake and eat it, too.

And I'm no longer signing on for that type of a relationship - one that centers around the man and his happiness - while he doesn't give two craps about me or mine ;-)

In otherwords, I won't settle anymore.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I should add that during those 8 years, there was a true gentleman that I believe wanted a relationship - and I swatted him away, twice. Ugh.

I was used to dating arrogant, insecure guys at the time and honestly, I wasn't able to recognize a gentleman when he actually came along.

As a result, I was compelled to begin a journey of self-discovery and I set out to learn the skills to distinguish good guys from bad guys, so-to-speak.

And I share what I've learned here - in an attempt to help other women avoid making the same mistakes that I have made in the past regarding men.

There's a BIG difference between insecure players and true gentlemen ;-)

Anonymous said...

"As a result of what I've learned, the information that I share here isn't necessarily about "getting the guy." Don't get me wrong these methods will work. But the real message here is about self-preservation for the woman when dealing with men. . .so that women don't become simply another "hit and run" and then get left for dead along the roadside ;-)

I have learned to take control of my dating life, rather than passively letting men control me. I'm not waiting for a man to pick me - I only give my time and attention to men who deserve it (i.e. treat me right)."

This is why I love your site so much Mirror. Plus all your experience. Someone who got married to their first love and lived together happily ever after wouldn't be able to give the advice you give as they've not lived the downsides so not had the experiences to give it.

You are very, very gifted, and I am very grateful I found your website and your personal advice in the comments section. You put a lot of hard work into what you do, and it comes across.

You're not into just getting the man, but all about not getting roadkilled later on down the line - and THIS is why your advice is so invaluable to me, and many other women.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.


Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
Well he came into my office for his meeting today would not look at me but said hi as he walked by. With a big smile on my face I said hi how are you he stopped in his tracks looked at me and said good and you I said good and turned away and started talking to my boss and laughing. When he was leaving he said bye and saluted me and I said bye. Do not know what the salute meant. Still kills me to see him tho. Can't understand why he won't look at me or talk to me he is the one who dumped me. The only thing I can think of is I told him I wouldn't be friends with him. What is your take on this. Also can't wait till it's not hard to see him. He will coming to my office twice a month. Thanks for your help Judy

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

That little salute was a sign of respect and an acknowledgment. He wasn't expecting that ;-)

"Can't understand why he won't look at me or talk to me"

Couple reasons, one of which is guilt. A second of which is fear (a confrontation, drama). And a third is him simply being unable to emotionally face it.

Stand strong and pat yourself on the back. You did VERY GOOD here!! And you should be proud of yourself for that - very proud.

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror, I've been dating this guy for two years, we get along very well when we're together, but I've heard from his sister that he gets high, she didn't say what the drug was but the only reason she told me was out of anger with him. Now I asked of course he denied it so I left it alone, now me an him continued the relationship as we were. Thursday night we passed a few words about some damn collard Greens that I wanted an he got up Friday morning left an I haven't heard from him since, now u called Friday evening I got no answer I even text him and got no answer so u said Fukk it he wanna act like that Fukk him I haven't called or texted his phone since, now it's a week later an I wanna know should I pack his shit an drop it off to his sister house or just leave it how it's been. I struggle every day with not callin but I'm Doin good what do u think?????

Anonymous said...

MoA! I need advice!

I had posted about a guy I met on a dating site (Anon. Dec. 23 9:27PM). It has been a month, no updates as of yet. In the meantime, I continued my search on the site and met someone new. He texted me every day for a week and a half before we went on our first date. The date left me with mixed signals…we seemed to hit it off and there was definitely physical chemistry (he was affectionate with me and kissed me). At the end of the date, he said he enjoyed his first experience in my neck of the woods (he lives about an hour away), we made out a little, and he told me to text him when I got home. He didn’t mention a 2nd date, but I figured that maybe he would by the next week. Well, that was 3 weeks ago...and still nothing!

I would say he was not interested, yet he stills texts me frequently (not every day but every other day or so). Obviously this isn’t a good sign, I just don’t get his intentions? He claims he has used the site a few times and doesn’t meet too many people, and that he’s not a serial dater. Am I a “Plan B” while he looks for something better? He also came down with something last week, and we talked a few days ago and he was still recovering…but I don’t want to make excuses for him. It’s the end of the week and he hasn’t tried to make plans, so I’m wondering what my next move should be? I don’t know this guy too well, but I like him enough that I would like to see what happens…but at the same time, I don’t want a pen pal or to be strung along…any advice? Should I start ignoring him and see how he reacts? Or should I reply, but in one-word answers and take my time? I should note that while I have made myself “available” to him in the sense that I reply, I don’t always reply right away, and whether or not my texts to him are immediate, his are almost always immediate. I get the sense that he is insecure…we are obviously on a dating site, so he may just be keeping his options open, which I get (I am as well), but enough’s enough already! I am no stranger to online dating and its quirks, but I have to say that I haven’t ever had a situation like this! After a number of weeks, either the guy at least makes mention of plans, or he pulls the “fade” and disappears.

What do you think he's up to, and how should I handle this? Clearly 3 weeks of me replying to his texts are getting me nowhere lol.


Anonymous said...

Thank you Mirror I am proud of myself but still so heart broken. Very hard not to call him or text him. Glad he respects me I know for sure he's use to women chasing him. Have to see him again tomorrow. When I see him it sets me back again. Judy

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 24, 6:24PM,
"should I pack his shit an drop it off to his sister house"

No. Don't do a thing. This one will be back. Don't play your cards here with him by showing that you're upset. You just sit tight and wait this one out - let HIM come to YOU.

You're on the right track and you're standing strong. So continue to do so. He's going to have to come groveling back anyway, for his stuff.

So you just sit tight right now. You hold the power at this moment, so don't give that up, don't give it away. HE has to come to YOU.

Get it, LOL?

And you sit tight and let him do just that. Don't call, don't text. He's testing your emotional strength - don't give in.

It may take a month or so - but he'll circle back around. And if you do this, when he does come back around - he's going to have a whole new view of you. He's going to know you're strong and he's going to know that you don't need him, you can stand on your own two feet.

And he'll respect that. He won't admit that. But that's what he'll begin to think.

And then the power will truly be yours. When he realizes you can walk away - any time you like.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Obviously this isn’t a good sign"

No it isn't, but it's not a reflection on YOU, it's not a good sign about HIM.

"He claims he has used the site a few times and doesn’t meet too many people, and that he’s not a serial dater."

I'm not sure I buy that. They all say that, especially when dating online.

"so I’m wondering what my next move should be?"

Absolutely nothing. You carry on dating other men and living your life. If he wants you, he knows where to find you.

"I don’t want a pen pal or to be strung along…any advice?"

Start to pull back on him. Don't respond right away and don't make yourself immediately available to him. Begin to mirror his behavior.

"I get the sense that he is insecure"

He is. And insecure men don't make good boyfriends or husbands. They pull pranks to prove things to themselves, because they don't feel good about themselves. So instead of asking how you feel, they pull back to get a reaction. And that reaction reassures them you care. With insecure men, it's a lifetime of that shit. They make the woman do all the work to carry the relationship along and they tinker with a woman's heads and emotions to constantly reassure themselves she cares. They're emotionally blocked and don't communicate well (as you're already seeing) and they don't know how to make a woman happy, because they're not happy themselves.

Insecure men frustrate and exhaust women.

"I have to say that I haven’t ever had a situation like this!"

This happens all the time in the world of online dating. I've seen folks come right out in their profiles and say, "I don't need a pen pal, I'm looking for someone to actually spend time with." Happens all the time.

"After a number of weeks, either the guy at least makes mention of plans, or he pulls the “fade” and disappears."

Not the insecure ones. They need the attention.

"how should I handle this?"

If I were you, I'd begin to distance myself from him a bit. I don't know why, but my gut's screaming "toxic" over this one. I feel if you get involved with this man, you'll be in for this crap all the time and he'll drive you mad.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Just continue to stand strong. You did well today so don't let this set you back - if anything, it should motivate you.

Naturally, it's hard to see these men again sometimes, but you don't have a choice here. Handle it the same exact way you did today - and all will be well, and eventually, this will become much easier.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the advice, MoA :)

"No it isn't, but it's not a reflection on YOU, it's not a good sign about HIM."

I know that it isn't a reflection on me, but the fact that I keep attracting these insecure men...well, it makes me feel insecure! I just don't get how they find me...could just be a stroke of bad luck or the ways of online dating, but if it has anything to do with me being "available" for "reassurance," then that is something from my end that I can control! I will try to pull back and see what happens...like you said, if this is a preview of what's to come with this guy, then it's best to jump ship sooner rather than later.

Guess I'll sit tight and keep trying to weed through the clowns...


Anonymous said...

@Mirror @Ivy,

In my experience, all the guys I've kissed on the first time of meeting them, haven't gone as far as in how much they are in to me, as much as the guys who I wait to kiss for date 2 or 3.

Really makes a huge difference. Just a kiss, but psychologically on a man it has made a difference. For me too.

One guy I fell madly in love with after a few weeks, wanted to kiss me the first night he met me. I held back after remembering my advice, and it made him want me more and he really pulled all the stops out on date two and upped his game.


Anonymous said...

Do Aries guy bother seeing you if he is completely done with you?

We had a fight he went MIA for 5 days I called him out on that to apologize for what happen but I can sense he wants out, if he really wants out I want a closure in person.

He replied meeting for closure is the best thing. Let's catch up for a coffee next week sometimes. and he ended the email with my name and those pet name he gave me.

I replied and say coffee is cool. let me know when have a good weekend to keep it short and sweet.

What are my chances of getting him back?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, you can't make a man love you or want a relationship with you. He has to want that, too.

And you really can't make demands of other people to do things to suit you. I realize closure is important for women, but you can't demand it. You can only accept what someone is willing to give.

And if they aren't will to give it, then you simply have to accept it. There's no other choice short of forcing your will onto others.

Regretfully, if he wants out, you're going to have to accept that, and let him go. And accept him communicating that to you - as the closure you seek.

There's really nothing anyone else can do to provide closure - other than to tell you the truth. Which he's already done here :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi MoA,

Do you have any experience with, or insight into, men with Aspergers? Do mirroring and no contact make an impression?

The Aspie guy I've been dating is very highly functioning and if you didn't know you'd just think he was just a bit eccentric. He does struggle with issues of reciprocity, however, and being able to put himself in someone else's shoes. We have dated for 9 months. There are hiccups as a result of the different ways he sees things and processes information, and sometimes it's difficult to ask for what I need because he just doesn't see it, but mostly it's a super sweet relationship with someone very warm, funny and creative.

Recently cracks are starting to show. Previously we could go for ages seeing each other several times a week and communicating every day. That became "normal". Now he'll suddenly he'll fall off the radar and ignore my attempts to reach him. I did the classic blowing up his phone when this happened (I know, bad) because it was such a huge jump from where we were, I thought something had happened to him. He's become more secretive, less communicative. He started a new job recently which has taken a lot of his focus, when I ask him what's up this is what he attributes the change to. Still, I suspect he's been dating other people (or, at least not wanting to date me anymore), but have no proof other than the things I've described. He's a little different, but he's still a man after all. So, I've been mirroring his communication for a few weeks which hasn't had any noticeable impact.

So that's why I'm wondering if you have any insight into how NC might effect someone with slightly akimbo interpersonal skills to start with. At the end of the day I guess there's nothing to lose when he's at the edges of the radar anyway. I'm putting more resistance on the rubber band, but if you have any experience with Aspie guys I'd love to hear it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No, regretfully I do not have personal experience with this. But I do know that their social skills and their communication skills are affected by their condition.

But their intelligence level is generally very HIGH. So don't assume that the non-responsiveness of this man indicates he hasn't noticed. I'm quite sure he has.

And it could be that he's undecided, struggling, or is simply unsure of what to do and as a result, has simply decided to throw himself into his work to avoid it all.

I think in this case, the best thing to do is back off, as you've already done, and give him plenty of space and time to think and process things.

He may be dating others and if that's the case, if you two do not have "exclusivity" in place here, then if I were you, that's what I'd begin to do as well.

If he's genuinely interested, he'll resurface. But he's going to need plenty of time to process all of this and all of his feelings before making his decision to do so.

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much for your speedy reply and reinforcement about my Aspie guy, space is officially deployed. Change can really sting, I empathize with all the stories I've read here, it's so difficult to let go of someone that you hold dear.

Anonymous said...


I'm really confused and wanted some advise
I initiated catching up with a guy from work one afternoon
We had drinks and lots of laughs was lovely
He instigated coming over my place after work the following day which all went well nothing happened
He then instigated meeting at mine again on the Friday night
Things got a little heated kissing and cuddles but nothing else
He stayed at mine but then abruptly left at 4am which I thought was a bit weird
I had a BBQ on the Sunday with mates from work he also came
Everything was fine but he left shortly after everyone else left no cuddles or kisses it was still early but it was almost like he couldn't get away fast enough He's not big on texting and I haven't heard from him. He always appears nervous around me to. I'm getting mixed signals. We get on really well. Am I being paranoid. I thought he would have stuck around a little longer if he was into me. Please give me some insight.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I have been broken up for almost 3 and half months now.When we inititally broke up i begged and pleaded and cried and rang him n number of times etc. Then i realised he doesnt want me back so i backed off. And he would message me every 4 days and we would start talking. He would ask me to meet then make out etc and he still wouldnt get back.Then i gave him an ultimatum after which we got back but he was cold and distant. So i had another talk and told him this wasnt acceptable. And told him to never contact me again. And i cut off for a month. I was travelling to a diff county on a holiday. He stalks me alot so he knew and wished me have a safe journey. 3 days later i messaged him and we started talking everyday since. we have been in touch for 2 weeks now. And the first week he was messaging me alot more than he does now. We met one day and he wanted to kiss etc, but i said no it wont happen. Infact since then he does message but not alot. And he doesnt really talk much. the conversations are very random. I asked him if he would wanna meet again. And he said yeah next week this week i am busy at work. And then i suggested that whatever it is that i wanted to give ill post it coz he is so busy. And he says ooh no dont worry. Lets try this saturday.

I am not sure what he wants. We dated 2.5 years. of which 1 year was on Long distance. Thats where all the issues began. We had trust issues. He got insecure while i was away. and now he think why are u trying to make things right after your back. While you were away you didnt want to make things right. I dont have a job and none of my friends are here anymore. He knows that. and he thinks i want him back because i dont have a life anymore.
I dont know if i am wasting my time after him . i want him back truly but i dont know what to do anymore.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous January 28, 5:35AM,
Men generally don't jump head first into relationships so you cannot expect them to begin phoning daily, seeing you daily and instantly clinging onto you.

At this point, you two have casually dated. And he may or may not consider taking it further. Only time and his actions will tell.

In the meantime, continue to live your life and continue to date other men. If he's genuinely interested, he will seek you out.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 28, 6:26AM,
He's clearly undecided and so are you. I think you both need more time here.

Alana said...


So it’s been almost a month since Guy sent me that bombshell text about getting back together with his ex. I’ve made peace with it for the most part, except for this one nagging thing…

My friends think that Guy should’ve said something all along. Eg when we first met up in Sep 2012 after my other breakup, he would've just broken up with the GF (or at last a month or two prior) but still very much in touch/working things out (hence flaking out on our James Bond premiere date) - so it would've been perfect opportunity to say it... They said that exes don't randomly pop out of the blue and then get back together - often there's a period of "build up" and that's probably when he was out dating me.

Then he could've said it when he met up with me right before Xmas too, rather than definitively saying that it was "over" when asked - cos according to my friends, clearly they were talking/reconciling again (evidenced by the official “we’re going to try again” text in the new year)...

One girl friend appreciates his honesty at the very last round but that he should've said it earlier, especially since we knew each other from 2011 so it wasn’t as if we had just met. Another friend thought he was playing me all along/hedging his bets in case things didn't work out with the ex (and basically seeing me as number 2) – so obviously this friend thinks Guy is a bad guy.

They said he could’ve said upfront that he wanted to see me, but that he’s still talking to the ex and there’s a chance they might get back together, just so I know I could’ve been more prepared…

While I agree with them that he COULD’VE said something earlier, but I don’t know if people really do that until they have more clarity on where things stand with the ex? But I don't know if I'm just finding it hard to see him in a bad light...

What’s your take on it?

- Alana

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"My friends think that Guy should’ve said something all along."

I understand what you're saying, however, human behavior most likely leans towards keeping all your options open.

"Another friend thought he was playing me all along/hedging his bets in case things didn't work out with the ex"

Exactly. Keeping his options open. Which is why I feel that women should do the same until the MAN asks for a commitment.

Again, it is the rotten thing to do, however, human beings are not perfect. We are only human and therefore, flawed. If we were all perfect, we'd all be Gods, not humans :-)

And I do feel that it's simply human nature to keep your options open until things are "final" in a sense (again, committed to some degree).

If he asked you for a commitment and then turned around and did this (which I can't remember if that's the case or not) - then yes, it was definitely a lousy thing to do.

However, if he had not asked for a commitment and you guys were casually dating, again, I think it's human nature when doing so to keep your options open - male or female.

Alana said...

Thanks MOA! No, he didn't ask me for a commitment and we had just started resuming dating.

It does suck to be passed over and it would've been nice if he could've been more open all along, but I agree that it's not unreasonable for him to have done it...

I really appreciate your insight!

Anonymous said...


My ex and I were engaged but broke it off a few months ago. We were arguing a lot and broke it off after one big blow-out fight. The breakup seemed to be mutual but I was maybe a little more for it than he was. We've continued to talk every now and then and we kissed after running into each other a couple of months ago. A few weeks later, I asked him if he would be interested in getting back together. He said that he loved me and wouldn't be opposed to trying again but that he was scared the same arguing would happen. I feel that we rushed the engagement as we weren't together very long and when normal relationship "bumps in the road" began to happen, it was a lot of pressure to deal with knowing we were getting ready to get married. He said he would like to go slow and see what happens. I even said we could talk to others and he said he didn't want to do that. He said he wanted to go slow, but he did the opposite. He was sending me lyrics to love songs, inviting me over to watch movies at his house, buying me things, calling and texting all of the time...just like when we were together. I thought his actions showed he was ready for a relationship and to be serious again so I followed his lead. I texted him a couple of times telling him how much I loved him and he started to back off big time. I asked him what was wrong and he said he just didn't know what to say, it was moving too fast. He said that he loves me and would like to try again but just isn't ready for a relationship and just isn't where I am with everything. I prodded some more and found out he had taken an interest in another girl while we were apart but nothing has happened between them and from what I know, I don't think she's into him like that. He said he still wanted to talk and take things slowly but he continued to act weird and back off. I then proceeded to do the whole make an ass out of myself, crying, begging, pleading, over apologizing thing. He said that no amount of convincing would reassure him and that he needed time and just wasn't ready for a relationship right now. He then asked if we could be friends because he thinks I deserve 100% and he can't give me that right now and it's not fair to me. I told him we couldn't be friends but that I would be willing to keep in touch and date but that we could never be friends. He said he would like to date then because he doesn't want to completely lose me. He said he's just confused right now and doesn't know what he wants. I'm confused too and need some advice. Would the whold no contact rule apply to this situation? He continues to text and is starting to flirt over text. I haven't contacted him for the past week but I will respond to his texts. I would really like to see us try again. What would you suggest? Thanks so much...

Enkay said...

@MOA for your response : He's clearly undecided and so are you. I think you both need more time here.

I am sure what i want and that is him. the past few days i have been acting less needy, and turns out he messages me himself. And now i wait less for his messages. IS my situation hopeless? Am i wasting time? You said we need time. Does that mean we need time apart? Please i would appreciate any help. I just dont wanna do anything stupid and lose him again.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 29, 10:48PM,
This probably isn't what you want to hear, but no contact applies here. And that means no response as well.

The simple fact of the matter is...if you permit him to have his cake and eat it too (him date her plus you and maintains communication with you) - that's exactly what he'll do.

And this will be extremely painful and confusing for you.

If he wants to date her or others, cleanly severe the tie and leave him go to do that. (Make him experience the consequence of that decision of his. I.e. he chose her, not you. And he can't have both.)

Don't set yourself up to be strung along here.

Initiate no contact and no response for 30 days. He cannot miss you or long for you or realize he truly loves you - until you are actually gone and he's faced with an "end" reality.

If you permit him to have access to you, he will never miss you or come to any of those realizations.

Do not tell him you're doing this, just do it. Don't give any forewarning or explanation, just do what's best for yourself here and leave him to work out what he truly wants by experiencing the consequences of his decision.

Read the "how to say no, consequences" piece here under the "dating" tab in the top header of the site. Then read the no contact piece here and watch the video in it. The lyrics explain what goes on in a mans head when he experiences an "end" with a woman. You can literally see the thought process no contact evokes in a man.

And you need to initiate that thought process with him by starting no contact (and no response) immediately.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You're sending him mixed messages. When he returned and wanted a kiss, you said no. You pleaded, then refused.

You're either going to date or you're not. You can't sorta date someone. It's like kinda being pregnant, LOL. You either are or you aren't.

Given the confusion, I believe time spent apart is needed.

Anonymous said...

So glad I found this tonight. I just ended it w/ a guy who said he wasn't ready to be my boyfriend, even though we spent 5 months together and saw each other regularly. I finally decided to ask for what I wanted, which was to be exclusive, he "denied" my request. I told him I needed space and he said he doesn't want to end it. I told him he cannot have his cake and eat it to. So, I implemented the "no contact" bc I'm not here to waste my time. He has called and texted me b/c he has something to give me but I am not responding. I do care about him but I cannot have him have it entirely his way. Let him see what's out there and if he cares about me, like he says he does, let him prove it to me. BTW, I'm a former "Nice" girl, so everytime he texts or calls it takes a LOT of restraint to not respond.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I understand it's difficult to break old habits and change our behaviors. Especially when emotions are involved.

However, this will be probably one of the greatest gifts you ever given yourself. It may not seem like that right now, but someday, you'll look back on this and say to yourself, "I'm so proud of myself for taking care of myself." And you'll realize, it was a pivotal period in your life. Pivoting from one direction towards a new one.

And best of all, it feels empowering, it will get easier, you will feel stronger and more confident. And this will become much more comfortable for you in the future.

There's an old saying, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

Anonymous said...

-This is from @Anonymous Jan. 29, 10:48PM

Thanks for the response. I have been using the same phrases, "having his cake and eating it too, stringing me along," every time I think about our situtation. I know you're right...I just needed a swift kick in the butt to get me going in the right direction. I do have a few follow-up questions though.

When he said we could date, then I told him that I was going to date others as well and he said he was fine with that but that he didn't want to know about my upcoming dates. I had asked him if he was sure that's what he wanted to do and he said, "yes, but it's funny I say that and you're the one dating others." That's what leads me to believe that this girl is not that interested in him like that and that they're not dating.

You suggested that I not forewarn him about the "no contact," but since I'm dating others too, should I still not let him know that I'm not going to be talking to him?

Also, when it seemed like we were "supposedly" getting back together, I bought him concert tickets for a Valentine's Day present. It's coming up in about 3 weeks and he said he would still like to go unless I have someone else I would like to take. So, we were planning on going but if the suggestion is to do the no contact then I feel like I need to tell him something since I think it will surely be recommended that I not take him to this concert lol. What do you think?

He texts me everyday, "good morning" and "how was your day today" so I feel like it's going to be hard not to respond for 30 days when he's doing that stuff. I guess I just feel like with all of the circumstances I explained it would be easier to let him know I'm not ok with our situation and that I'll be moving on or something. You seem to really know your stuff though so just give it to me straight what you think is the best approach here.

Thanks so much! Your advice is awesome!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, the thing you need to realize here is that the "not knowing" - the uncertainty - is actually what kick starts a man to THINK. If you give him the answers - then there's nothing to think about. That's YOU doing the work (giving him all the answers) - not HIM (having to THINK and find the answers himself.

Because uncertainty actually heightens attraction:



If you give him "certainty" - the answers - then it defeats the purpose.

With Valentine's day, I'd simply make up an excuse. Again, I wouldn't tell him what I intend to do - that's the "uncertainty" part that he needs to figure out - I'd simply say that something came up and I can't make it.

There's a certain psychology here behind this. And it's the not knowing that actually kick starts things into gear.

It's also called the Law of Scarcity and it's used in economics and relationships daily. This man breaks down examples of both and the "value" created by the "fear" and "uncertainty" of losing someone:


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