"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Dating: What Does It Mean When He . . .

Whoever said that dating was fun obviously isn’t dating in today’s modern age. Let’s face it, men and women are both behaving badly, treating each other poorly and manipulating one another’s emotions. Have a look at the hundreds of comments left on “Experiences With A Taurus Male” and you’ll see how prevalent this behavior has become. Granted, those are women sharing their experiences, however to be fair, men are experiencing a lot of this as well.

Do you find yourself, much like Alice In Wonderland, attempting to peer into (or jump through) the looking glass, desperate for answers, while the man in your life seems to care less?

I get a lot of questions posed to me from the post referenced above. And most of them are women attempting to decipher a man’s peculiar behavior. But what most women don’t realize is that this behavior generally isn’t peculiar at all – it’s more or less reality – fact. And once you come to understand what this behavior means and why it’s happening, you can see the player, the mama’s boy, the opportunist, the liar and the cheat coming at you from 100 miles away.

When men behave peculiar towards women, women have a tendency to blame themselves. “What did I do?” “Should I not have said this?” “If only I didn’t . . .” And I’m here to tell you to stop all of this at once. A man’s peculiar behavior generally has very little to do with you and more to do with him.

Here’s the question to keep in mind as you read the items below:

“What does it mean when he . . .”

Asks For A Commitment Too Soon



This generally means he’ll vanish as quickly as he appeared. This is not Prince Charming gals, this is a man waving a giant red flag in your face. Chances are he’s insecure, needy and suffers low self-esteem. He’s learned, through a series of painful mishaps, that it’s much easier to pretend to want the real deal than it is to do the work necessary to create a real relationship.

This guy is insincere and he’s not genuine. How could he be? How can anyone be with someone they really haven’t had to the time to fully get to know? He wants to hurry this process along so he can get in and get out just as quickly.

BEWARE: He'll compliment you, he'll act as if he's really interested, he'll communicate regularly and with gusto in the early stages and he'll come on very strong at first, speeding things right along.

So fast that you'll never see it coming. It’s the ole “sweep her off her feet” method . . . that generally ends with him dumping you on your ass. This guy is emotionally immature and lacks the social skills necessary to interact in a genuine manner – so he fakes it. Be very leary of the man who is all too ready to commit.

Takes My Number, Gives Me His, And Doesn't Call


I see this one alot because too many women are the pursuer these days and it has led to a whole new generation of lazy men when it comes to dating. Stop being your own worst enemies, ladies!

You want a man to woo you and treat you like a lady, yet, many of you chase him like a man (exhibit masculine energy), which keeps him from lifting a finger for you - stop this! Make a man rise up to the challenge, never call a man first, ever.

If you give a guy your number and he can't man up and ring your phone - move on, it's a big red flag. He's either not into you (but if you call him, he'll still sleep with you before moving on) or this one has a sense of entitlement and he's waiting for you to do all the work; he's seeking a needy woman (to walk all over). He's wanting you to be the pursuer. Don't pursue or you'll end up his doormat. At the very least, a man should always make the first phone call and ask for/plan the first few dates and if he really likes you, he'll be excited to do so. It's ok to make the first move initially by showing him interest in a subtle way (a smile, a wink, starting conversation with him) but never be the one to make the first real move towards him. He'll instantly label you as desperate and he'll never ring your phone, rather, he'll sit back and wait for you to come to him - always.

How you go about the first few conversations and the first few dates determines ALL future interaction and sets the tone for the relationship from that point forward. If you start out as the pursuer, he'll take the role of the pursued - and he'll never put an ounce into you or the relationship.

Calls Me Babe, Honey or Dear Right Away


This is someone who is easily able to be insincere. If you’ve just met and you’re already his “babe” then this one’s a charmer - player. He knows how to manipulate a woman via her emotions and he will generally do so across the board (i.e. with waitresses, with you, with female friends, with your friends – any woman standing within 5 feet of him.) Some men don’t mean to use this as a tactic of sorts as they generally just refer to women in this manner all the time. The thing you need to focus on here is that these terms of endearment are only really genuinely felt by him when the relationship itself becomes genuine. So if you’ve been dating a week or two and you’re already his babe – you should take that with a grain of salt. Don’t believe you’re actually his babe because if you notice, so are all of the other women he’s in contact with. He’s a schmoozer and seven out of ten times, he’s a loser as well. Don’t read anything more into it.

Ignores My Calls and Texts For Hours or Days


This one is a bit trickier but there are ways to break this behavior down into its true meaning. If he does this on rare occasions and then apologizes or acknowledges his lapse upon his return, he’s probably a good guy who was just busy, cut him a break. If he does this repeatedly and is unapologetic about it upon his return, chances are he’s hiding something. It doesn’t have to be another woman, it can be drug use, alcoholism, a boys nights out and the like. The difference here is the apology. Men know when they are behaving ignorantly and a man that really likes you will feel bad about it and apologize. A man who doesn’t have genuine feelings for you will feel he doesn’t have to answer to you. If a guy does this repeatedly and also apologizes for it repeatedly, yet does it again and again, chances are he’s a flake who will drive you mad. The only time you should be tolerating a man ignoring calls and texts is in the first example listed here. If the other two seem more akin to your situation, you’re better off disappearing off his radar for good. And if you do that, do it without an explanation or a quarrel – just disappear. Never treat someone like you’re priority while they’re treating you like their option.

Doesn’t Explain Why He’s Ignored Me


This guys is a shady individual at best and when someone acts shady, there’s one of two things generally happening. 1.) He’s hiding something 2.) He doesn’t feel he has to answer to you. Neither of which are signs of a genuine budding relationship. A true gentleman has nothing to hide and should have no problem communicating or openly sharing what he’s been doing the last week or so with you. Now if you’re tearing into him about where he’s been, you could be the reason he’s shutting down on you so don’t do that. But if you mention casually, just as you would with friends, “Hey, whatcha’ been up to?” and he bulks, gets fidgety, begins to look away, acts nervous or stammers with “Um, oh I. . . ahh. . .” – you have your answer. And don’t press for more here because you really don’t want to know the truth, trust me.

Says He Needs Space and/or Isn’t Looking For a Commitment


He’s not into this. It doesn’t mean all hope is lost, it simply means he’s not there yet. When a man pulls this once, you can overlook it and deal with it by – disappearing. This is where you employ the “no contact rule" of dating and you become scarce to him. If you push by texting, calling, etc. you’ll make his decision for him. If you exercise restraint and give him space and fall off the face of the earth, he’ll begin to question his decision and you’ll actually be prompting him to make a healthy one by providing plenty of space and room for him to breath. You’ll also be much more desirable in his eyes by appearing to be an independent, not co-dependent, woman.

Says He Wants to be With Me But Doesn’t Make Time For Me


He’s stringing you along. A man who genuinely likes you will not behave like this because he doesn’t want to lose you and because he actually WANTS to spend time with you. When a guy’s words do not align with his actions, it’s a big red flag that he’s bullshitting you. The best way to deal with this chap is to again, fall off the face of the earth. The next time he calls, he’ll go to voicemail and the next time he texts, he gets no response. Period.

Doesn’t Want To Spend His Weekends With Me


If this happens in the early stages, then that’s a bit normal. People like to move into committed situations slowly while maintaining some healthy independence. However, if it’s the third or fourth month you’ve been dating and this is still happening, then this is the guy who wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. This one always reeks of control issues to me. He wants you – but only when HE wants you. He’s going to control this thing from beginning to end and it’s his way or the highway. You don’t have time to sit around waiting for this fool to see the light. If he wants to hang out with his boys at a “sausage” party (a room full of men) rather than spend time with a hot girl he’s dating, then ladies, shove him off to the ole sausage party with a bag of buns instead. He’ll never be the man you want him to be and you’ll always be playing second fiddle to his selfishness, control and ego.

Was Dumped By Me and Wants Me Back



Many times, I’ve found that this one means he’s had time to think and he came to the conclusion that he may have been a real jerk. That’s not always the case, many circle round simply for sex and you’ll need to ferret that out by making him wait for that upon his return until he’s proved he’s genuinely sorry and has seen the error of his ways.

See, when you back off and give men time to think and you initiate “no contact” as a result of their bad behavior or ignorant treatment of you a funny thing happens – they come to the same conclusion that you did – that they were a real jackass.

Men are human and they have emotions and they know when they’re behaving badly. You can let this one back into your life, but you DO NOT pick up right where you left off with this guy.

With this one – you make him START ALL OVER from square one. A man that genuinely likes you will be grateful for your compassion of him and he will know that he has to start over and that’s exactly what he’ll do. You treat this one as if you’ve just met all over again. He takes you to dinners, he waits for a one to two month minimum for sex , he makes phone calls and sends texts all in a timely manner to communicate with you – anything short of that and you throw this one right back into the pond.

Dumped Me and Wants Me to Take Him Back


This one is the one you really need to watch out for. Unlike the situation above, he did the dumping. If he’s already had sex with you prior to the dump, then nine times out of ten, he’s suffering a dry spell and it’s your turn in the rotation of women he has. You do the same with this one as I suggested above in the scenario where you dumped him. You make him start from scratch. No exceptions with this one – from scratch, gals. If he bails on you a week or two into it, he was back for sex and you dodged a bullet here. If you take him back with open arms and shower him with attention, you will be initiating the disappearing, reappearing man syndrome.

Doesn’t Talk About What He’s Been Doing When We’re Not Together


If you’re not tearing into him about what he’s been doing and he’s acting distant none-the-less, then that’s a red flag. He doesn’t want to talk about what he’s been doing because he feels it’s none of your business and he knows you wouldn’t approve. A true gentleman wants to share his life with you. A shady player does not. Even if the shady player has simply been hanging out with his boys, he feels it’s none of your business. This is a sign to you that he’s emotionally unavailable – run.

Doesn’t Apologize For Being Rude or Ignorant


He doesn’t feel he has to answer to you and he’s not sorry because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong because he feels it’s none of your business anyway. Not a good sign, gals. He’s not worried about losing you – and you shouldn’t be worried about losing him either. It’s time to leave this one high and dry. He’s disrespecting you.

Acts Distant and Starts To Pull Back


This one may have something to do with you. Have you been pressuring him? Poking around about how he feels about you? Poking around about where you stand with him? When a guy pulls back and becomes distant sometimes it’s not because he’s cheating. Sometimes, it’s because he feels smothered. However, there are times when a relationship is just over. Either way, the best thing to do when encountered with this situation is to follow the advice listed here.

Speaks to His Ex Girlfriend(s)


This is a hard one that requires a bit of observation over time. Many times, when people have been involved with one another for a long period of time, it’s hard to just simply cut them out of your life. But then again, I believe that in these situations, one of them wants to be more than just friends. Here’s how I look at this, if they broke up years ago and they only touch base every so often to catch up, then it’s probably over and they’re simply remaining civil with one another. However, if the breakup was fresh (a year or less) and they’re confiding in one another, sharing problems with one another and in constant contact with one another, then they’re still in a relationship of sorts in my opinion. It’s one thing to remain civil and friendly towards and ex, it’s a whole other issue when they’re still connected in intimate ways and sharing intimate portions of their life with one another and leaning on each other still. And if that’s the case, you remove yourself from the equation. No one wants to be caught up in a painful love triangle and it’s hard to compete with an ex that there are still deep feelings for – so don’t bother doing it.

Only Call or Texts After 10 PM At Night


This is getting into booty call territory (especially after 11PM and onward) and chances are, you’re a woman in his rotation of several. There are times when a man’s work or job occupation may come into play here, in which case, that’s acceptable. But if he’s not giving you quality time and he could be, that should read to you that you aren’t a quality woman to him, you’re just another fish in the barrel. Don’t take those calls and don’t answer those texts. You get back to him the next day or a day or two later and you don’t offer an explanation as to why you weren’t available at that hour. You let him think about that one. And if you do this and he responds after 10PM again and doesn’t give you quality time during the peak hours of his day – then be gone booty master. You’ll never be important to him and he’s showing you that.

He Doesn’t Ask Questions: Where You’ve Been, What You’ve Been Doing and About You

This is somewhat obvious but one of the best ways to spot an insincere player. He doesn’t ask because, frankly, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what you’ve been up to, who you’ve been with or to know anything about you. A man who genuinely cares will show you. He WANTS to know what you’ve been up to, who you’ve been spending time with and he wants to know about where you grew up, how many brothers and sisters you have, etc. If he’s not asking, he simply doesn’t care – and neither should YOU.

A Little Inspiration


Ladies, dating is tough and it takes it's toll. I think this lil diddy is appropriate. Keep your chin up and don't worry about the fools in life:

"When you gonna realize, that you don't even have to try any longer. Do what you want to. . ."


And for any men reading this, guys, it works both ways. If you’re experiencing any of the above from the women in your life or the girl of your dreams, then you want to follow the same advice listed here for women. Tolerating disrespectful, ignorant abuse and treatment from someone is nothing anyone should be doing – man or woman.

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Anonymous said...

Mirror of Aphrodite,
I’ve really been hesitating writing this to you. About one and a half years ago I met a man in a sort of rehab. I hope you will forgo all judgment when I say that he is 25 and I am 31. He lives in the area where my parents live. I have struggled with getting my feet off the ground and going to professional school, which I will start in a short few weeks. He struggles similarly with getting his life in order. He is working. I was going to be in the area a week before Independence Day holiday and I happened to see him online. I welcomed the diversion. However, over the course of the last two weeks I went from carefree indifference and pursued, to pursuer. I don’t really know what my feelings are for him, but I can’t take rejection if that’s what has happened. I’m confused. I don’t know whether you recommend he and I talk about our relationship if given the venue to [he gives us a venue to].

So it would seem like two weeks ago we went to a movie and sat in a park for a time afterwards talking. I wasn’t sure I was attracted to him. Nothing happened between us.

Our relationship has mostly been via text since then. Following the movie he made excuses as to why he couldn’t get together that week.

Also “I know what my night will be like to an approximate extent with my friend and I don’t with you and I don’t feel like assuming,” he texted. Seemed to ring of some maturity.

Here is another exchange we had but illustrative of his skillful manipulations: He said, “ July 4 is the best day to have your anniversary just so you know. I own a ring, this is a fact. If I don’t see you it is only because someone deserves it more than you, and they might. Regardless though you deserve great things in life.”

I said, “You’re twisted. Just so you know I don’t need a ring from you.” We had not so much as kissed.
“Good then buy your own. I will not bring a ring and I will not buy one for you that is a fact. I want my anniversary enough that I might propose without one though. “

Me: “Just please don’t propose to me I would be embarrassed but flattered. It’s not what I want. Do you know how to have fun?”

So he says, “I’m very good at being fun, it’s one of the things I do best.”
“You had to clear that up didn’t you. But you scared me a little just saying.”

Because of what followed I truly believe he thought I would need him to propose for me to go to bed with him.

I said he should have “more subtlety and slower. I guess because we know each other from that place we skip” I meant skip the course of getting to know each other.

He said something next I probably can’t print here about going to bed with me.

I demurred and said “Charming but I haven’t said I would yet.” I thought that was the right thing to do.
Next time he texted I was invited to come over and meet his parents with whom he still lived. I declined, I think because of our age difference but I am really kicking myself for not doing it.
I don’t know what to make of that invitation do you?

On the Fourth he avoided my suggestions for a night out, but said he would rather be alone with me if not at his parent’s house. He flat out texted, “can you guarantee sex tonight because if not I am going to spend it by myself or go to [X].” I was willing to overlook this. I just answered, “c’mon are you for real? Can we have fun?”

He tried to interest me in a social media video he made and when I agreed to watch it and tried to direct the conversation to seeing each other to get out of text limbo, he said, “I deserve to have sex with you, just know that is a fact.” I said I want to see you but that is scary, I do what what I want.”

I left to return to my city and I texted that he shouldn’t be a stranger, meant on my end to be conclusive and he said, you too, but I couldn’t help but text him most every day since. He always responded.

He was little like this in person again. Not that I would wish for him to be as he was by texting. My friend said that younger men are often intimidated by older women.
We met for coffee yesterday. [continued...]

Anonymous said...

[continued from above "We met for coffee yesterday."]

He had trouble looking me in the eye. He said he was not nervous but seemed so. I was nervous, but conversation seemed to flow, however. I haven’t mentioned how it’s easy to talk to him about movies and that he introduced me to a television series.

Following coffee we went for a walk. We ended up at my parents’ on the pretense of watching a movie. I decided to test the waters by trying to kiss him. His response was that he “doesn’t kiss people.” He had tried to put his arm around me but he said he quit because I responded negatively. He said he was “ the master of playing hard to get.” I can imagine you saying that I should be the one playing hard to get. I was so put off by his response to a kiss that I said I think maybe you should leave. At a certain point not too long after I said we had to be out of there.

Before he left I asked if we could meet up later he said maybe. I asked if we could meet up today and he said maybe. Then he bolted. That was yesterday. I had trouble with this admittedly. I texted him many, many times after that. One text was can I see more of you tonite. He answered, probably not.
I am not sure what happened and how or whether to broach a conversation by text of whether I made him uncomfortable. I had resolved to talk about about less serious things since our first date but as a result we may not be getting to know each other. He has accused me of not being direct.

I think my gut feeling is to be involved a short while until school starts and I don’t have a lot of time to play hard to get. But I think every time I feel the need to rush a relationship I look desperate. He probably knows it’s not going to go anywhere. I have honestly let him flatter my ego with all of the talk about taking me to bed.

Your advice please?

Anonymous said...

I wanted to mentioned from above to set the tone [younger man older woman] that he texted me once, "I've pretty much reached a point in my life where I don't have to make plans because enough people set up plans for me and I just choose the best one." That spoke to me as being attractive and perhaps mature. However on the flipside from the beginning he seemed to make me chase him and keeps saying "give me a reason to see you" or "throw anything at me you want if your plan is appealing to me I will go." Ellusive and frustrating. Thanks in advance for your advice.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 15, 3:36 PM,
"I don’t really know what my feelings are for him, but I can’t take rejection if that’s what has happened. I’m confused. I don’t know whether you recommend he and I talk about our relationship if given the venue to"

Well, here's the thing dear. And some of this you'll probably understand because if you've been to rehab, you've most likely participated in counseling as well. The problem with talking to him about your relationship is that. . .the REAL problem here seems like it may have absolutely nothing to do with your relationship and is instead, more about possible issues of abandonment that you carry. This relationship is giving you something to project those issues onto, but in reality, this is probably more about you than the relationship. Does that make sense?

And I say this because you're not even sure what you're feelings are for him, you're not even sure if you feel strongly about him. . .but you ARE sure you feel strongly about rejection and abandonment - which signals that THAT'S the real issue, ya' know? Talking to him about relationship issues isn't going to help you with abandonment issues.

"He flat out texted, “can you guarantee sex tonight because if not I am going to spend it by myself or go to [X].” I was willing to overlook this."

Why overlook someone disrespecting you like that? That's not acceptable treatment and if you overlook it and respond to it - that enables the person to continue doing it because in a way you're signaling that it's okay for them to disrespect you like that.

"I decided to test the waters by trying to kiss him. His response was that he “doesn’t kiss people.” He said he was “ the master of playing hard to get.” I was so put off by his response to a kiss that I said I think maybe you should leave. At a certain point not too long after I said we had to be out of there. Before he left I asked if we could meet up later he said maybe. I asked if we could meet up today and he said maybe. Then he bolted."

Why encourage continuing to see a man that's this disrespectful of you? Why even wish to spend time with a man like this? He's clearly still troubled, he's clearly still not healed, and it's clear that his manipulation of others brings him joy in a way, or makes him feel better about himself. . .so why offer yourself up as the object for him to enact these things on ya' know? You're fighting your own journey here, you need to focus on yourself, and all this man is doing is distracting you in a negative way from properly caring/loving yourself.

"I texted him many, many times after that."

Why? Why wish to spend more time with him? Why wish for more disrespect from him? You're not even sure you have strong feelings for him, so why put yourself through this? Why seek to receive validation from a man by putting yourself through this? There are a lot of great people out there that would accept you and love you for who you are without putting you through this.

"I am not sure what happened and how or whether to broach a conversation by text of whether I made him uncomfortable."

Why are you blaming yourself for all of his actions? How is his behavior a reflection of YOU at all?

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I think my gut feeling is to be involved a short while until school starts and I don’t have a lot of time to play hard to get."

I disagree respectfully. A relationship with this man will only do damage - period. Sacrificing your self-esteem, confidence and emotional well-being for a brief fling or an ego boost is NOT going to prove "worth" anything valuable here. It's only going to do damage to all of those things. And again, I'd suggest that for the answers here, you look inside yourself and ask yourself what is compelling you to seek validation of your "worth" from a man? Particularly a man as troubled as this man clearly is? He's not healed yet psychologically or emotionally and that's evident in his behavior. He's got a long way to go yet and a lot of inner work to do. He needs to learn to control his compulsions and impulses. Aligning yourself with a man like this is only going to set you back in your own progress on your journey to wellness and emotional well-being.

"I've pretty much reached a point in my life where I don't have to make plans because enough people set up plans for me and I just choose the best one."

That's the equivalent of saying, "My life is out of control so I'm leaning on others to make decisions for me." It's reckless and careless.

"on the flipside from the beginning he seemed to make me chase him and keeps saying "give me a reason to see you" or "throw anything at me you want if your plan is appealing to me I will go."

A good man doesn't need a reason to see you. He sees you because he WANTS to. So if a man is indicating that he only wants to see you if you give him a good enough reason to - it's a big red flag. And when a man acts like you have to "perform" for him like a circus monkey in order to win his attention, that is another BIG RED FLAG.

This guy is not worth another ounce of your time, and aligning yourself with him any further is only going to do serious damage internally. As a result, my suggestion would be that you completely cut all ties with him and his toxic behavior immediately.

YOU are GOOD ENOUGH as you are. You do not have to prove yourself "worthy" to a man who is unworthy himself. His behavior is manipulative and disrespectful, all he's after here is sex, he'll probably disappoint in that department as well, and it appears his life is out of control to the point that he's no longer even thinking for himself or controlling his own destiny and instead, he's simply reviewing "options" that others are proposing for him.

He's got a long way to go on his path to wellness, and it appears he's even stopped trying for himself, and instead, he's actually dipping back into his bag of tricks that all addicts become adept at in order to manipulate others into enabling their bad behavior (emotional manipulation, guilting others, blaming others, taking no responsibility for his own actions, etc.).

Anonymous said...

MOA, this is July 15 poster, "older woman, younger man".
I appreciated your response - really heartfelt. I would like your advice. I'm going to attempt to keep this brief but hopefully not at the expense of detail because I'm not at my computer. I want to use "No Contact" in hopes of reconnecting with this man. What do you think?


I invited myself to visit. He was staying at a hotel. I expected we would get alone time but the day of he texted me he might have some friends over at night. I had an "escape" plan to go to my parents' home if I didn't like something but I wanted to go along. Unfortunately I got sucked in. I stayed two days perhaps overstaying my welcome. He was sharing the room with a friend but at 25, though he is working he is still in this party mentality, thus a bevy of boys came over to party on these his two days off. We didn't get much alone time. What we did get was good, however. Before I left that second day I tried to get him alone and say I wanted to be exclusive though I would be in another city. My friend advised: I think it's acceptable to say you like him, want to try being exclusive. It's okay to not be comfortable with him seeing other people. And texting other women when he is hanging out with you is just rude. Make it a conversation, not an ultimatum. But know your boundaries. I didn't know my boundaries though and I kept insisting and he was non-communicado and kept avoiding my gaze and kind of grunted. He did say "forever?" I did say that's an awfully long time to think about right now, let's take it one day at a time. Finally he said our private talk was taking too long and I yielded and said can you at least hug me before I go, and he did give me an extra long hug. He keeps drawing me back. We sometimes had texted in the same room in order to be private. He had earlier said where are we going? True, I had invited him out to breakfast. He must have forgotten because about an hour after I left he texted "what?" I waited until I was on my train and texted that I may have been wrong about exclusivity for the moment since we don't live in the same city and I wanted to leave the door open for his texts or online chess or word games we enjoy. He said, "correct". That was last Tuesday. We resumed texting, he even initiated and he even made moves on our word game. I realized my mother's birthday is this weekend which gives me an excuse to visit. I told him I would be in town for that I could pick him up. Would we get together? Probably. Then I texted my friend: I came all the way to (city) on a "maybe" and now he says about seeing me tomorrow he might have a girlfriend but he's only known her two days and she gives him free (drugs) so it might be love. A few hours later he texted, We are not compatible. It's mindblowing to me that you cared so much for this long. But you deserved good sex. He with the "deserving" again. I did something passive aggressive then, perhaps. I let slip my friend's texts over to him without letting on where they came from, ie: there is no play, he sounds like a jerk and Ask if you want to know. But you probably don't. Exchanging sex or affection for drugs is pretty sure sign someone is sick and you don't want them in your life.
And I called him an asshole. And I picked up the phone and called him (he never answers) and let him have it until he hung up. He texted, I'll let you know if I ever want to see you again. But he didn't allow me to say my piece about if you want to treat me right I would be interested in speaking. So I texted it and that him picking up the phone was like a breath of fresh air. He said good, I pick up my phone when I should.










Anonymous said...

Continued as from above Older Woman, Younger Man, saga since July 15 on MOA.
Just as an update, since my friend also asked I met this man about 1.5 yrs ago in a rehab setting. We had about two dates, never went anywhere. Then this summer 3 dates and then I visited.

Continued from above:
Following that, most confusing of all perhaps, he made moves on our pending online games so I got notifications as such.

Our conversations when together ran the gamut. He said we were so unalike since I am going to professional school. That he doesn't want to be a breadwinner, that I could move in with him. Etcetera I think his opinion of me flip flopped hourly.


I had a rough night last night, which he said he was spending at her place. I kept texting can we please be done fighting? This morning I called him and texted can we talk on the phone. Can you see me, ill make it up to you, to which he texted "no." My last communication with him was I want to be with you. Can't promise big changes..yet..but can we please have fun.

Anyway, today while I was devising a plan to "run into him", he sent moves on our pending games. I didn't answer. Then I log into Facebook and see that at the same time he did that, he changed his relationship status to in a relationship with some girl. Mind you while I was visiting him he was texting another girl. He finally apologized to me for that when I broached the subject when we were together. Cont

So, I don't know what to make of him. Can you suggest something that I communicate to him? I want him in my life as much as I can give, especially being 200 miles away. I don't know yet if I'm ready to abandon my dreams but I might. otherwise I could use No Contact to be really effective. What do you suggest?

Anonymous said...

Here's the continuation of August 1 9:53pm post.

Would appreciate your input about salvaging relationship and me instituting No Contact until his birthday in two weeks. He kept trying to get me to go to bed with him. I caved in. Then he wouldn't be exclusive. After that he told me he would tell me when he wanted to speak to me again, but not before he made moves on our online games.
Do you think I have to wait to contact him to be effective?
I can't believe his relationship with the new girl is that serious if they only met two days before.

Anyway, here is the continuation of previous post.
Following that, most confusing of all perhaps, he made moves on our pending online games so I got notifications as such.

Our conversations when together ran the gamut. He said we were so unalike since I am going to professional school. That he doesn't want to be a breadwinner, that I could move in with him. Etcetera I think his opinion of me flip flopped hourly.


I had a rough night last night, which he said he was spending at her place. I kept texting can we please be done fighting? This morning I called him and texted can we talk on the phone. Can you see me, ill make it up to you, to which he texted "no." My last communication with him was I want to be with you. Can't promise big changes..yet..but can we please have fun.

Anyway, today while I was devising a plan to "run into him", he sent moves on our pending games. I didn't answer. Then I log into Facebook and see that at the same time he did that, he changed his relationship status to in a relationship with some girl. Mind you while I was visiting him he was texting another girl. He finally apologized to me for that when I broached the subject when we were together. Cont

So, I don't know what to make of him. Can you suggest something that I communicate to him? I want him in my life as much as I can give, especially being 200 miles away. I don't know yet if I'm ready to abandon my dreams but I might. otherwise I could use No Contact to be really effective. What do you suggest?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Older Woman, Younger Man,
"I want to use "No Contact" in hopes of reconnecting with this man. What do you think?"

While this can be attempted, there's no guarantee that it will work. Many times (most times), NC is best used for emotionally detaching from the man so that one can move forward.

"I invited myself to visit. . .I tried to get him alone and say I wanted to be exclusive"

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested in her (in a relationship with her and not just sex), is to see if HE pusues HER - consistently and with regularity. When a woman takes the lead and flips the script and begins to pursue the man, she's taking the masculine role away from him (initiator, leader) and she's forcing him into the feminine role (submissive). As a result, this tends to backfire and ultimately, leads to the man distancing himself from the woman because the fun in dating for a man is the thrill of the chase. If he doesn't get to chase, and instead he's the one being chased, it tends to make a lot of men feel uncomfortable and they move away from the pursuit. It takes the "fun" out of dating for them.

As a result, it's always best to test a man's level of interest by letting him pursue and take the lead, and you really don't have to do anything but make a choice as to whether or not to submit to his lead. And if you do, and he continues regular, consistent pursuit - eventually, HE will ask YOU for a commitment because he won't want another man to steal you away from him.

"he made moves on our pending online games so I got notifications as such."

That's just a game, you can't read anything into that at all concerning a relationship or anything romantic taking place. He's simply participating in an online game there and nothing more.

"My last communication with him was I want to be with you. Can't promise big changes..yet..but can we please have fun."

This is going to cause a problem for you, because your words are not aligning with your actions. In one breath you're asking for exclusivity, but then in the next breath you're offering to settle for casual "fun." And I believe casual fun was all he was seeking in the first place, so if that's good enough for you, it's unclear as to why there's some pressure for exclusivity then. And if it's a bit confusing to me, I'm sure it's confusing for him as well - and that's where the trouble comes in.

"Can you suggest something that I communicate to him?"

I don't think I'm the correct individual for you to be posing these questions to. Because I do not advocate pursuing men. I believe those tactics backfire consistently and I believe they're damaging to a woman's self-esteem. I don't advocate a woman taking on the masculine role (initiator, leader) in a relationship. And in this particular situation, I would not be initiating any more communication with this man because the communication that's already been initiated. Because if you pull back and look at the big picture here, there's been a lot of pursuit already that's actually had no benefit, and in fact, has been somewhat damaging and backfired.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Try to look at it that way by reviewing the behaviors that have led up to this:

"I invited myself to visit."
"I tried to get him alone and say I wanted to be exclusive"
"I had invited him out to breakfast."
"I waited until I was on my train and texted"
"I told him I would be in town for that I could pick him up."
"I called him an asshole. And I picked up the phone and called him (he never answers) and let him have it until he hung up."
"I kept texting can we please be done fighting?"
"I called him and texted can we talk on the phone. Can you see me, ill make it up to you"
"today while I was devising a plan to "run into him"

See what I mean? What else could you possibly say or do to change the outcome here, ya' know? You've taken a lot of actions already, an they haven't worked or yielded the outcome you hoped for - so why do more of the same? Why do more of what's not working? You started out your comment with "I want to use No Contact in hopes of reconnecting with this man." Only to arrive at the end of the comment with "Can you suggest something that I communicate to him?"

So you have to decide - are you going to use NC, or are you going to actually contact him? I think you need to give some serious thought as to whether or not continued participation in this situation is healthy for you? Is this really something that's bringing you joy? Is this situation really what's best for you? Is it yielding results? Or is it only doing damage and more harm than good?

Because we all know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again - yet expecting different results.

Anonymous said...

This is August 1 @ 9:57 pm again. In looking back he kept pressuring me to have sex with him. I finally caved in because I thought well, how would we know if we were compatible after that many dates or whether the opportunity would arise again. I think it is as you say that all he ever wanted from me was sex.
So, I want to ask you, how do you gauge for exclusivity or you just always have to put yourself on the line? I don't have a lot of experience with long- term relationships. Still really stings.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 1 @ 9:57PM Again,
"how do you gauge for exclusivity or you just always have to put yourself on the line?"

Well, you don't consider yourself "exclusive" with any man - until he asks you to be exclusive. If he hasn't asked, then you're not exclusive, you're only casually dating.

And as far as gauging whether a man is even looking for exclusivity with a woman, you have to observe his ACTIONS (not his words). The way a woman can tell if a man is genuinely interested and possibly seeking exclusivity eventually with her is:

1) If he pursues her consistently over a length of time with regularity.
2) If he calls her regularly and consistently.
3) If he makes time for her and asks her on dates regularly and consistently.
4) If he shows her respect by taking her on nice formal dates (dinner, movies, an activity of some sort) when he does ask her out (and not to his house, her house or someone's sofa somewhere).
5) If he doesn't let much time elapse in between dates and he takes actions to move the relationship forward so that it progresses.

Those are the biggies. Pursuit, consistency, a desire for time spent together with regularity, shows respect with formal dates, stays in touch and doesn't let time elapse and takes actions to move the relationship forward.

When a man behaves like that with a woman, there's a good chance he's ready for a relationship, his intentions are moving towards one with the woman, and his actions are falling in line with those intentions and the relationship progresses because of his actions.

Anything short of that can only be considered casual dating (i.e. sporadic, inconsistent, without regularity and without exclusivity).

There are women here who visit this site that, once they've met a nice man (a gentleman) that's ready for a commitment, report that the difference is like night and day. If a man is genuinely interested, you won't have to ask for his time - he'll ask you for yours. You won't have to call or text him, he'll call and text you. You won't have to pursue him, he'll pursue you. You won't have to ask for dates, because he'll regularly invite you out on them. And you really won't even need to question where you stand with him, because his consistent actions signal that he's moving the relationship forward and you'll feel secure about that, there won't be any confusion to question.

In a nutshell, the man will basically take the lead and make all these things happen without you asking for them to happen or needing to lift a finger to make them happen yourself. You will feel secure in the situation as a result, and there will be no need to question anything.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA this is August 5, continuing the saga haha. You may recall that this man started seeing a girl two days after we were together. So, that was two weeks ago. Yesterday, I got a Facebook email that he got engaged - after two weeks. So, I'd like your opinion on an engagement after two weeks.

Regardless, I had just texted him the night before, which was his birthday, I've been thinking about you s lot lately can we talk sometime soon. He replied, you can text me. I didn't reply.
Just want to let you know I texted X, if this is legit, congrats but please just "know"...and remember.....
I was hoping you'd feel differently, but I'm glad I let you know. I needed you to know. Get in touch if you feel differently. I also said, would you let me know you meant something to me. He texted right back: You meant something to me. I think that is so mature. I had a little cry over this and today I've moved on but I keep coming back to this for reassurance. He had been talking to me if you recall about engagement which I thought was s ploy to get me to go to bed.

So, I'd like your opinion of this relationship. We don't know the girl but from your experience. Thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 16, 8:40 PM,
"You may recall that this man started seeing a girl two days after we were together. So, that was two weeks ago. Yesterday, I got a Facebook email that he got engaged - after two weeks. So, I'd like your opinion on an engagement after two weeks."

I'm not buying that a man jumps into an engagement after two weeks - unless he's INCREDIBLY insecure.

The more legitimate reason would be that. . .he was seeing her MUCH longer than two weeks, and he knew her well before the 2 days he supposedly first met her.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I need some advice please! So, I am 44 and dating a 40 year old man and we've been seeing each other almost 6 months. We went out of town together 2 weeks ago, had a great time, came back and he called everyday. The thing was, Labor Day weekend was approaching an for the first time we've been seeing each other, he didn't mention anything about us getting together. He made plans with a new guy friend and also lunch plans with his parents another day. Then, I got sick, so throughout the weekend, he checked on me, but still didn't mention anything about us getting together. It really ate away at me. So, by Monday night, I texted him. He was very responsive and I tried ending it with something like, 'I'm missing you. Good night'. He rarely reciprocates those words. I should say though, he's not a player, he's always been very consistent and in to me. So, he proceeded to text me about something else. I flew off and sent one more text stating, 'Hilarious. You totally ignored my last text. You haven't wanted to see me all weekend. So there's my answer'. No response. I called him and he didn't answer. He's never done that before and I've never said anything like that before. So, I let a couple of days go by. I texted him 3 nights later that my daughter was sleeping and it was a good time to talk :). He said he was mopping the floor! I said after? And got no response. I tried to call. He didn't answer. I texted one more time that I didn't understand why he wasn't answering and that it was hurtful and as he would say (and has to me when I haven't answered a phone call) 'Interesting...' He responded later with, 'Because I'm cleaning my house, drama!' It's been 5 days and we haven't spoken. I have no way in hell reached out again. Do you think he will reappear? Thanks!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 16, 2:50 PM,
"Do you think he will reappear?"

Most likely - if you stay silent and let your silence speak FOR you ;-)

In the meantime, give this piece a read:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

If he was starting to drift away. . .the best thing to do is LET him drift away. Let him see what it's like without you. Let him miss you. Let him long for you. And let him process his feelings and his actions and let him regret some of those.

If you let your silence speak for you, there's a very high likelihood that this is the psychological process he'll go through. BUT - and this is the biggie - if he continues to receive responses from you, and he continues to hear from you. . .he can't miss you or enter that psychological process because he'll be reassured that you're still there, willing and waiting.

He has to experience an "end" here if he's to really get in touch with what he truly feels. Meaning - he has to think he's lost you. And if you go silent, and do not respond to his first few attempts at contact, that's exactly what he'll think. He may need some space here - so give it to him. Give him plenty of what he's insinuating through his actions that he wants LOL ;-)

Fall off the face of the earth for while. . .and let him hear nothing but crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night. He's probably expecting you to chase him, pursue him, contact him repeatedly - he's probably expecting what he's already insinuated - drama. So DON'T give him that. Instead, be different, be unpredictable - and give him what he wants. . .which is space.

And chances are, when he hasn't heard from you, when you're not contacting him, when you're not chasing him, and when you're suddenly not responding to him. . .he'll come looking for you ;-) And at that time, you will have taken back some control.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for responding! I'm new to this dating world and this threw me almost into a depression. Was sooo relieved to find your site. Was with someone for 20 years before I left and this is the first dating/relationship experience I've had so far. I will NOT contact him. So, when I do hear from him, I will give you an update! I'm not sure how to respond though when he does contact me. I know I won't reply for at least 2 days. But, then what do I say, 'Thanks for the call. It's good to hear from you.' And leave it at that?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 17, 5:34PM,
"But, then what do I say, 'Thanks for the call. It's good to hear from you.' And leave it at that?"

That all depends on what type of a response is necessary - based on HIS communication to YOU. Most times I suggest not responding at all until an apology is received. Because if you overlook ignorant treatment and being ignored, you only get more of it.

Anonymous said...

MOA,
I have been seeing (not official, made it clear I wasn't ready for a relationship) a guy for 6 months. He has texted or called me nearly everyday for those 6 months. But this past week I have heard nothing from him. Our last conversation was through text and he sent the last text. But me texting back has never stopped him from texting me later. Is he sick of persuing me? I say this because he has made comments about not feeling wanted by me or feeling like I "cut him off" he also makes remarks about being frustrated because I don't want a relationship and he thinks I blame him for the mistake of other guys. Or am
I overthinking and he just doesn't like me anymore? I've really gotten attached to this guy and I care about him deeply. I have been strong and not contacted him. What should I do? Should I give up or hope that he contacts me eventually? How long should I wait before I cut him completely out of my life?

Best,
DrunkenLove

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@DrunkenLove,
Well, sounds to me like the relationship has possibly run its course. Because you don't want a relationship, and I believe he does. He's expecting "more" from you, however, you're not progressing because you never wanted a relationship in the first place - which is fine. It's just that a situation like this eventually will end, having run it's course and gone as far as it can before hitting that "wall" that stops further progression.

It sounds like a natural end - a brief fling that ran for a 6 month stretch. This is to be expected in situations like this, where one person wants a relationship and another doesn't. Because - if they were together for 2, 3 or 4 years. . .then that IS a relationship, ya' know? So it's only natural that there's a short shelf life here and 6 months is actually better than most, which usually wrap up around the 3 month mark.

"What should I do?"

If you don't want a relationship, and you care for this man. . .you should let him go.

Probably not what you expected or wanted to hear, but that's the harsh reality. It's simply not fair to keep someone who does want a relationship from going out and actually finding it for themselves. It's not fair to expect them to settle for less than they desire. If a relationship is what he wants, he's entitled to that ya' know? And if it's not with you, then he's entitled to go out and find that with someone else.

And if you don't want a relationship, you have to be expecting to hit this "wall" eventually anyway. Because the relationship would be unable to progress to anything more - because anything more would be a relationship. So this frees you up as well to move about unattached, exploring your own dating life casually and without commitment to any one person. It seems like a natural end to me.

"I've really gotten attached to this guy and I care about him deeply."

Maybe so - but you have to think about him, too. If you truly don't want a relationship, that means you'll have to let him go someday. It's not fair to expect him to settle for something casual when what he really may want is something committed.

The other option is to enter into something committed with him, move the relationship forward, and make it official.

". .am I overthinking and he just doesn't like me anymore? Should I give up or hope that he contacts me eventually? How long should I wait before I cut him completely out of my life?"

Well, if you truly don't want a relationship with him, as I've stated previously, this seems like a natural end to a 6 month casual affair of sorts. Your only other option is to enter into a committed relationship with him.

I really don't think this is as much about him, as it is about YOU. Meaning, I'm not sure the questions you're asking about him and how HE feels are the right questions to be asking. I think the real questions here, and the real feelings that should be explored - are your OWN.

Do you care for this man enough that you don't want to lose him? Have you experienced a change of heart and now want a relationship with him? And if you don't, then why experience concern that he may be pulling away? Why be concerned he's distancing himself when you don't really want a relationship with him anyway? I think questions like these that examine your own feelings are truly the ones that should be explored right now.

Because the issue really doesn't appear to be about him. He appears to want more, and he appears to be ready and willing to enter into a commitment - and the truth is that it's you that appears to be holding back on that, ya' know? So it's not really his feelings that should be questioned - it's yours that should be explored for the answers ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA. I've posted in some of your other sections. But this one really hits home. I hate to admit it, but I initiated calls/texts, suggested dates etc. all of the things I should NOT have done--I did. And not surprisingly, he pulled back. He really showed his Funky side in the Spring and over the summer. So I (mistakenly) told him that I was going to give him space. When I did that, he then tells me about how he still loves his daughter's mother (he didn't say "in love") He never said anything about this before (and he had plenty of opportunites to do so) and then tells me about how he's a catch and how women make passes at him and don't know when to stop. Do you think he said all of this because I told him I was going to give him space (and leave him alone)? and he was just saying all of this because he wanted to ignite my insecurities and compete with the "others" for his affections??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 9, 2:48 PM,
"Do you think he said all of this because I told him I was going to give him space (and leave him alone)?"

There could have been many reasons he made that remark. But the reason why isn't important. What's important is that you do as you've said and cease contacting him and asking him out. It's damaging your self-esteem and possibly damaging his respect for you. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested - is if HE is contacting HER.

He knows where to find you, and if he's interested, he'll seek you out. In the meantime, you move on as best you can and you begin dating other men (no sex). If you never hear from this man again, then that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it simply means that this wasn't a match. So don't beat yourself up for that if it should happen. Instead, get to know other people, and do your best to push forward. If this man wants to go backwards and repeat the mistakes of his past with his daughter's mother, then so be it. What's meant to be will be. But generally speaking, there's a reason people become your ex - and that's because it wasn't meant to be. And the same goes here for you with him. . .he's moving into your past for a reason. Don't look back - look forward, begin to socialize, get to know other people, and continue moving in that direction ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA. I'm Anon Nov. 9, 2:48 pm. Thank you. I haven't contacted him in 3 months. at the 2 month mark, he circled back (somewhat) and sent me a (lame) text saying Hello. I ignored it. Turns out, this guy is a hot mess and I believe I've dodged not a bullet, but a NUCLEAR BOMB. LOL. Thanks, again for this wonderful blog.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with some of the article. If someone intentionally does not respond for hours or a day because they want their space then it does not matter if you take hours or days to respond, the person is not interested in a mature relationship and is instead immature and wrapped up in playing games. whether it is conscious or not does not matter. You need to deal with it if you want to interact with the person. It is your call if you want that kind of relationship. Game playing is game playing. It's one thing if it starts out with a 2-3 days delay in response and it becomes less and less time for a response. If you have had sex or are dating and the person is taking 24 hours or telling you to leave them alone or they do not have time to talk then you find out they have had nothing but time to chat then you have your answer.

Tiff720 said...

Hi MOA...

I don't know what to do. My man and I got into one of the most heated arguments yesterday. Now we're barely talking to each other, looking at each other, touching each other... basically riding in the same car with him was awkward because of the complete silence... It all started from me using a pot to cook some vegetables for the holiday. This particular pot he calls it the "Noodle pot", was used to cook some vegetables. I started cooking the vegetables the day before. I grab that pot because it was the closets and I didn't think anything of it. So yesterday morning, while I was eating breakfast, getting ready to go to the gym, he comes into the dining room complaining about all of the lights I have on. Oh my goodness, for crying out loud, I was enjoying my breakfast and thinking of my game plan for the gym and he interrupts me with his complaining. So my response was: and so what about the tv you leave on all night. I left it at that. My plan was to transfer the food from the pot to the alum pan and clean it so that he could use it. We have plenty of dishes mind you. But, he started to say "why did you use MY pot, its only to cook noodles", "you know better not to use it, i've told you before not to use MY pot", "you just want to do what the fuck you want to do", "you so damn stupid and dum", "don't use my fucking pot"... I mean he was talking to me like I was a child. I tried my best to ignore him. I told him to not talk to me like a child. I only have 2 parents. Then he kept going on and on. Took another pot and filled it with water so he can began cooking, while doing so, he's still calling me names and etc. So once I finished my breakfast, I immediately transferred the food to the alum pan and washed out the "pot". I told him that I cleaned it and its ready for him to use. While doing this, he goes on to say that "I just want to do things my way", "I never listen" and etc... I said, well to my understanding this is a free country and we both live here. You can't stop me from cooking how I want to cook or do things around here. His response was "This is my house". So I said, yes that is true, this is your house, but you asked me to move in here with you and so I did. If you asked me this, you should've known that things are shared. I'm not your roommate. Then it escalated after he kept calling me stupid and dumm and I just don't listen and etc. I black out and started yelling back at him. I exploded and said some very hurtful words to the point that I called him a bitch and that he needs to grow up. He then began to belittle me and point his finger at me and walk up on me. So I turn around and told him to get his finger out of my face. He then told me to do somethings. I'm crying because I'm frustrated and I can't believe that he blowed up on me because of a "pot". What gives???

cont...

Tiff720 said...

After the big blowout, I went to the gym. I tried directing my energies to something positive for myself to make myself feel better because I was feeling like crap. Especially after all the crying, yelling, screaming match we'd just had. There has been many time when we've gotten into an argument or disagreement, I was able to control myself, but this time I just don't know what happened. I felt really bad! I didn't know I had so much anger pent up inside of me. I tend to express how I'm feeling to him when we're in some kind of disagreement. Now I just don't know what to do, or if I should say anything. So I just carry-on with myself and do the things that I like to do. To make matters worse, I wear my emotions on my face, so yesterday while we are around family, it was written on my face that something was bothering me. Everyone was asking me if I was okay. I was working on covering up what had happened before we visited family. Later on that evening, just being around the family, helped me to not think about the things that happened before arriving and to just mingle with family and enjoy the day. But as we hoped from house to house, the drive was in complete silence. So I turned up the radio and started singing...

MOA, I don't know what to do or say. Please help with your wisdom.

Thanks in advance.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Tiff720,
"he started to say "why did you use MY pot, its only to cook noodles. . . "you so damn stupid and dum", "don't use my fucking pot""

It's no longer HIS pot - you guys are husband and wife. Additionally, it was his decision to ask you to marry him. So why did he marry someone that he thinks is "so effing stupid and dumb."

"His response was "This is my house"

Again - no longer the case. He married you and thereby entered into a contract with you. What's his is now yours, and what's yours is now also his. That's the way marriage works, does he not know that? He sounds incredibly immature. And I wonder what he'll think if you divorce him -- and he finds out that he now has to pay you half the equity that HIS house has gained during the course of your marriage?

Things are no longer that black and white once you're married.

"I can't believe that he blew up on me because of a "pot". What gives???"

He's very emotionally immature, and as a result, he's struggling to be a mature adult in this marriage. He's frustrated because he's struggling, and he's taking advantage of any and every little opportunity that comes along to release that frustration.

"MOA, I don't know what to do or say."

I believe I've suggested professional counseling before. This situation is no longer a simple dating situation that you can walk away from. It's a marriage that BOTH parties have made a commitment to. A professional counselor needs to step in and be involved as a neutral third party. Your husband has many issues he clearly needs to work out and better understand. Someone needs to bring him down to earth about the commitment he's made by entering into this marriage, and someone needs to straighten him out about what that commitment in a marriage truly means.

He now has another job to do -- be a good husband.

That's his new job, as it's your new job to be a good wife. That requires work, it requires sacrifice, it requires understanding and it requires learning how to properly and RESPECTFULLY communicate your needs to one another. All of that is WORK. And once you've entered into a marriage, you've committed to actually DOING that work. You can't continue to view your life as you did when you were single. You now have to view your life as one half of a TEAM. And you cannot verbally berate and abuse your significant other and expect to continue to receive love and support from them. You have to learn how to communicate in a healthy manner, and at this point, I believe a professional counselor needs to enter the picture as a mediator to help the both of you figure out how best to do that in a way that's respectful.

Anonymous said...

Hello... You may not answer but this helped me tremendously! Man I was sulking until this post... Mines is new but this is a Leo man, Scorpio moon, Venus cancer. And I am a Taurus sun and moon with Aries Venus. Only been seeing each other over a month .... He pushed me and pushed me to make a commitment and though I tried to slow it he grew on me... Well we are long distance and we already met and hooked up but he was calling every day and video chat and texted when I text he would reply... I spoke to him the day before thanks giving and he said he missed me (the phone call dropped and he said it would as he was on the train) he only Called me cause I posted a pic that I was out lol.... Well nothing since then... No happy thanksgiving, I video called thanksgiving night no answer, I sent a message Friday saying damn not even a call or happy thanksgiving I hear nothing from you... Then before he checked I sent another one saying you know what I don't know why I sent that I'm not mad just non chalant ... Carry on. Normally if we bicker he would respond, well he read it and didn't this time. So technically I haven't heard from him since Wednesday...

Holy crap! Guess who is calling now? Lmaooo I ignored it!! And I just posted a pic! Lmao. Do I do the wait or call back?

Justsomegirl said...

So here's a question. I am not very good when a guy pulls away. It's hard for me to find a guy I'm interested in and when I do..about a month in, they lose interest and I FREAK. Granted, I only freak out to my friends, the guy is totally unaware of how on edge I am. Here's the thing, I recently started seeing a guy who lives 2.5 hours away. He is just getting super busy with the summer and said he can't tackle a long distance relationship right now. Which is fine, however, he's always on his online dating profile. So I start to question if he's not wanting to tackle one right now or EVER. So, I've been going crazy, to say the least. A few days ago though I told him I need a week from not talking to me (he ALWAYS initiates text but then hardly replies after that and I didn't want to appear like I was ignoring him) so I said basically, I need to go a week without talking to you to clear my head. Was this a stupid move on my part? In all reality I did it for me because I was going crazy with the highs (omg he still text me each morning) to the lows (it's been 7 hours and he still hasn't said a word), now I'm at a steady low. I think I want the time to see that I'll be ok without him. It's for me not to manipulate him I guess is what I'm getting at. Thoughts?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@JustSomeGirl,
No contact will always work for you to emotionally detach and become grounded once again. And this may help, too. One thing to remember when dating - there's a difference between casually dating (no commitment) and being in a relationship (commitment).

And when casually dating (irregular, sporadic) -- you cannot expect relationship type communication (regular, consistent, daily).

Your "highs and lows" may be caused by your expectations. Meaning, you're expecting committed communication (relationship) when he has made no commitment to do so (causally dating).

It's not fair for us to project expectations onto others that they, themselves, have not asked for or agreed to. When dating, you cannot expect any type of commitment like that from a man until he's told you he loves you, and has asked you for a commitment and a relationship. Only then can you expect that type of communication - when both parties have willingly agreed to it.

So during this period of no contact, give that concept lots of thought. Because if you begin to have too many expectations of commitment when a man has not asked for that or agreed to it yet and you're only casually dating. . .that type of pressure for a relationship will scare a man off.

You stated, "It's hard for me to find a guy I'm interested in and when I do..about a month in, they lose interest and I FREAK."

It may be that they don't necessarily lose interest so much as they start feeling the pressure of expectations being placed upon them for a relationship that they have not agreed to or asked for. They just want to have fun and enjoy time together and instead, they end up in the pressure cooker expected to perform the duties of a boyfriend when they are not actually a boyfriend yet.

As well, when a man tells you "said he can't tackle a long distance relationship right now" - believe him. When a man states that he does not want to enter into a relationship, ALWAYS believe him. No amount of sex, begging, pleading, or time spent together can change that. If someone does not want to obligate or commit themselves to another, nothing can change that. And many times, the reason a relationship is not desired is because. . .they don't want to have to answer to someone daily for their actions, or check in daily with someone, or make time for someone, etc. Those are commitments that many folks simply do not want to make or are not ready to make. So when a man tells you that, believe him because he's telling the absolute truth nine times out of ten.

Ariesgalxo said...

Hi Mirror,

I always come to your page for inspiration as you have always inspired me so thank you for doing what you do, I really admire it. Thank god there are people like you out there as it helps us girls/women and we sure really appreciate it!

I wanted to share some things with you and would love to hear your thoughts and advice. I met this guy recently while I was on a trip and he took my sis and I out for the last 4-5 days that we were there and showed us around, took us out from morning to night (breakfast & dinner) which I was very grateful for. Normally I would not even bother but this guy I thought was different, he was very sincere & sweet and was a overall "cool" guy to be around. We kissed after a few nights and really hit it off and since then we have spoken almost every day via text, phone, snapchat each other from time to time but it's been really difficult because we can't physically see each other. He even messaged my sister a few times telling her he thinks about me all the time and he misses me. He wanted to fly me back to his city but I haven't accepted it yet because I travel for work so much that my schedule is all over the place. I said it could be a couple of months before I see him again. Anyways he initiates texting ALL the time, I would always get a morning and goodnight text and then a month later, he stopped doing that. He still does however texts me every day and tells me how much he's missed me and he can't wait to see me again but that's pretty much all the text I get from him now. It used to be good morning beautiful, how are you, how is your day, have a goodnight and now it's just Hi, Miss you, Can't wait to see you and that's it – I’m not going to lie I miss these texts. And now he recently has ignored me for a few days and I’m not sure what has happened. I thought he was smitten over me with all the things he’s told me like if I lived there I would be “his girl” and we would be dating. He even told me he mentioned about me to his mother and I was flattered. While we were there he introduced me to all of his friends and as I mentioned we hung out every day before I left. I’m guessing because of the distance that is separating us, is that why he is pulling back on me now? What should I do? I have pulled back as well since he stopped texting me and I feel like we’re becoming further apart than we were in the beginning. Also he is a Leo and I’m an Aries, if that helps 

Looking forward on hearing your thoughts & thank you!

XO

Ariesgal

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@AriesGal,
"I thought he was smitten over me with all the things he’s told me like if I lived there I would be “his girl” and we would be dating."

While that may be true, the reality is that you don't live there and this is not possible. Unfortunately, with that being the situation, it is possible that he realized this and he's decided to begin dating as a result :-(

"What should I do?"

Regretfully, there's nothing you can do. We can't make someone care for us, or want to be with us. They have to want that, too. We can't force them into it. So the best thing you can do right now is to simply keep moving forward with your life. As disappointing as this may be, if it's meant to be -- it will be.

So keep moving forward and give the situation some time to unfold. You never know what the future holds ;-)

AriesGal said...

Thank you MOA - you are amazing!! Quick update: I received a text from him yesterday (3 days later) "Hey you" and I replied a few hours later "Hey" and he has completely ignored me since! Why do you think he completely ignored me? I mean he is the one to initiate to text me and I texted back. I did nothing wrong... I'm so confused. Why do you think he's doing that?

AriesGal

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@AriesGal,
"Why do you think he completely ignored me?"

Who knows - but when this type of thing happens, it feels very deliberate (game playing, to make you feel insecure so you'll give chase).

"Why do you think he's doing that?"

This piece may shed some light:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/what-is-the-game-pick-up-artist.html

There are a LOT of deliberate tactics men use on women, to make the woman insecure, so that she'll try harder to get the man's attention.

This piece can also shed light:

http://hubpages.com/relationships/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

Look at sections two and three there - "2. Did He Suddenly Stop Calling?" and "3. Is He Giving You the Silent Treatment or Only Talking in Monosyllables?"

When a man does this, do NOT give him a reaction. That's what he's expecting, and don't give it to him. If you do, then you send the signal that hey, any time I want her attention, I just have to yank her chains to get it.

Manipulation is NOT the way to win someone's heart. So don't fall prey to it, and don't let men get away with that.

Instead, the next time you get a lame "hey" text - don't respond at all until he actually has something to say ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

Thank you so much for your advice, this was so helpful. I really appreciate it. You are the BEST!!

Just a quick update, I didn't respond as you had mentioned and I left it alone. 5 days later he came back! I'm so amazed at how this NC and disappearing really works! I kept my composure and just lived my life & it worked. He texted me "Hey, how has your week been?" I have not responded and I'm wondering should I wait the 5 days or just text him? Reading your article, would this response be ok? "Hey! Hope you're doing well. Sorry I've been so busy - Have a great day!" I know you mention the push & pull method so I'm trying to do this right but I also don't want to sound like a bitch...LOL

Thanks MOA!!

:)

AriesGal

Anonymous said...

@AriesGal- Listen to MOA! the Guy I was seeing loves to play those manipulation games. I would send a text; sometimes he would answer, and sometimes he wouldn't or he would take days to answer and then it would be one-word answers. All this to force me to chase him. Well that's over now. I went complete NC on him and then two months later (just like MOA says) he surfaces with a lame, "Just wanted to say Hello" text. I totally ignored it. I continued with the NC and then two more months later, which was Christmas time, He stops by my house bearing a gift. I had nothing for him and I didn't regret it one bit. He still texts me occasionally, but now I mirror his behavior. So I answer some in my own sweet time; don't answer others. I also don't initiate calls or text anymore. He really made me angry so NC has been very easy for me.

Anonymous said...

This site made me feel so much stronger. Thank you! I'd dated a man for 5 months and we've had ha great time. He always was the one inititing contact and he has always been consistent. After two months a tindermatch popped up on his phone and I told him I wasn't sure if I was okey with that and that I had to think for a while. After almost three weeks where i swore to myself I wouldn't contact him again he texted me to ask if I had enough time to think and if I wanted to keep seeing him. I answerd after 10 hours or so that I would. We kept seeing eachother for almost three more months, I decided to trust him that he wasn't on tinder anymore, but I didn't ask him, and we didn't talk about it. We grew closer, he expressed carefully some feelings he had towards me but I kept my cards hidden allthough I had feelings. I was being grateful towards him so he must have known that I liked him back anyway. I didn't wanna ruin the chemistry by talking, even if he wanted at some times. Looking back, I regret that and I wish I had opened up a bit, at least when he did. The last three weeks of the datingperiod things got difficult for me and I started having insecurities that I would loose him and that we/I would never be able to talk and get to a "sure" place. One morning three weeks ago I woke up by his side and like last time a tindermatch ticked in on his phone. I took five minutes for myself and then I came back into the room telling him calmly but a bit sad that this was't ok for me. He said he used it as just wasting time, and last time he said he did use it to get reassurance as well. I said he was allowed to date others but I wouldn't want to be around. He said he understood when I asked him if he did. I asked if tinder was impotant to him and he just shrugged his shoulders. I got out of his appartment three minutes later, and before I did we hugged and said goodbye. It's been three weeks, and I miss him. But I also know I need more in terms of boundaries. But if he does contact me do you have any suggestions? I'm thinking he would have to make me feel safe before I ever stepped into it again, so he will have to work. Should I be clear and express myeself from the start.. what I'm looking for and what i want, or does he understand that? Somehow I feel like because I never said anything in terms of us everything got bottled up, and that wasn't a good feeling.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 25, 11:41 AM,
"Should I be clear and express myeself from the start.. what I'm looking for and what i want, or does he understand that?"

At this point, if he circles around and asks to "talk" - open that up for discussion, and don't budge on your needs.

But be forewarned - extremely insecure individuals need CONSTANT REASSURANCE. He even admitted that to you when he said he kept using Tinder for reassurance. Extremely insecure men need constant reassurance, and most times from more than one female, to feel good about themselves.

Dating extremely insecure individuals is an emotionally exhausting experience dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2015/02/insecure-men-dating.html

And the fact that he's still using that site for reassurance tells you he's that insecure. So insecure that having one woman by his side for 5 months straight isn't enough to make him feel like a man or provide him the confidence he needs.

Extremely insecure individuals are also extremely "needy" unfortunately.

So understand that his behavior is a reflection of HIM and his insecurities, and not of YOU or your value as a woman.

No matter who this guy dates, there's a very high likelihood that he'll have trouble keeping his focus on one woman, and not needing validation or reassurance from multitudes of them :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I have been seeing this guy for a while now (6 months) and he usually pays for dates. However, one time we were hanging out and I wanted to order food for us and he seemed really uncomfortable about me paying. So much so that he told me to only order one meal and he cooked some more food for us. He's a big guy and an athlete so he eats a lot. So we finish eating the food that he cooked but later that night he was hungry again so I told him to eat the leftover food that had I ordered. He said: are you sure? And he seemed like he felt bad for eating my food, he kept saying "I don't know why I eat so much" I just told him that it's normal and he needed the food so he could stay big and strong and I gave him a kiss. It hurts me a little to see him feel bad about something so trivial.
Whenever we go out he buys our food but if we stay in I don't mind ordering and paying for food but whenever I pay he always asks for permission to eat the food I bought or feels bad about me paying. I NEVER hint at being upset about buying food nor sharing it with him. Especially because with school and practice he does not have time for a job so I understand he is not rolling in money and I do not mind paying for food once in a while.
One time I bought him a sleeping mask to help him sleep better at night because he has to have complete darkness when he sleeps (it cost all of $6). When I gave it to him he immediately asked how much it cost because he wanted to pay me back. Even if I offer him something like a bottle of soap or hand-wipes because he ran out he says "What kind of guy would I be if I took that from you?" So now I just sneak things that he needs in his apartment without telling him.
My question is: Does he not want me to buy him/pay for things because he doesn't see this as a long-term thing and doesn't want to feel like he owes me anything once/if it ends? Am I emasculating him by offering him these things or paying for things? I only do this because I am very caring and I love taking care of people that I love, I treat my friends the same way!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 5, 4:50 PM,
"It hurts me a little to see him feel bad about something so trivial."

The thing that many women don't understand is that for a true gentleman -- this is not a trivial issue. Their ability to provide for a woman is directly tied to their masculinity. And when they're unable to provide, or not the one who is doing the providing, this can, and does, affect them.

"Even if I offer him something like a bottle of soap or hand-wipes because he ran out he says "What kind of guy would I be if I took that from you?""

See what I mean LOL. He's a true gentleman dear ;-) And as such, he really wants to be the provider, even for minor things.

"Does he not want me to buy him/pay for things because he doesn't see this as a long-term thing and doesn't want to feel like he owes me anything once/if it ends?"

Not at all. As I stated above, for a true gentleman, their ability to provide is directly tied to their masculinity. Provider, leader = masculine man. Taker, submissive = feminine energy to them.

They like to remain in their masculine energy - which means they like to remain the provider/initiator. To do otherwise - to them - can feel emasculating.

"Am I emasculating him by offering him these things or paying for things?"

I'd say that based on his reaction to these things, he's very concerned about remaining in the masculine role - the role of the provider. And I suspect that him signaling that he's not comfortable with some of this is an indication that he may feel a bit emasculated if he accepts.

"I only do this because I am very caring and I love taking care of people that I love, I treat my friends the same way!"

I realize that dear. But if he wants to provide for you - let him. That's a gift and it's a sign of a gentleman. There are many women here who would love to be dealing with a true gentleman right now, but are instead faced with a guy who wants to split everything as if they're "pals" or "buddies" and not romantic interests.

Enjoy this experience. And if he'd like to remain in the masculine provider role, and wishes for you to remain in the feminine submissive role. . .then let that take place. It makes gentlemen feel good to provide for a woman. And you want him to feel good when he's with you, and you want him to feel appreciated and "manly" as a result ;-)

Anonymous said...

After a 6-year abusive marriage from hell which I entered into as a virgin – good girl – I ventured into the dating world 2 years post the end of my marriage and of doing some serious work on myself.
I found out that most of the people who contacted me on online dating site my friends talked me into joining, were mostly jerks! Rather than being the nice girl I used to be who did everything the wrong way dating-wise, I decided to do things differently. I began to practice the mirroring, giving dates space, being cool and acting cool, not getting emotionally involved or invested too soon, the no contact rule etc. etc. without even knowing that that is what they are called and that I was actually doing the right thing! I called it ‘dating like a man’. I came to this decision because I suddenly realised that life was too short for me to waste it on any undeserving jerk!
Today, I am dating [not exclusively] a fantastic Taurus gentleman with whom I was matched about a month and a half ago. Along with him, there were at 3 other guys – all executives, well-educated, and well-heeled. But what I did was to give each one of them space, be cool, only respond when they initiate contact, keep things light, fun and interesting, laugh at their jokes and their attempts to win me over. Make them work for it, sit back and see who wins me over….may the best man win:
Guy 1 – Taurus – Front runner: knows what he wants, is calm, attentive, takes the initiative and wants to and do spend time with me and put a lot of effort into planning a proper date making sure I like the location or what it is he is suggesting – and he will always ask me what I think or if I’d rather do something else. I reciprocate by being cool, showing him just enough attention, give him space and do my own thing – and one day, I surprised him and cooked for him…giving him a sneak glimpse of what life will be like with me! He has been tagging along me ever since eating my food LOL!
Guy 2 – Gemini playboy – Started with the BS pet name ‘Princess’! Red Flag 1. Always wanting to know where I’m at, what I’m doing, and if he doesn’t hear from me for a day or so, he continues texting asking why I am not responding! Red Flag 2. More recently he became bold, and started advancing into sex talks and wanted to send sexual msgs, I warned him that it was my work phone so he is not permitted to do that. Eventually he saw he couldn’t get in between my legs as quickly as he had planned….guess….he’s faded! And what did I do? No Contact!
Guy 3 – Gemini – He can’t figure me out he says! He is hilarious and makes me laugh until my ribs are almost cracking. Lazy texter, wants me to text him…. I respond if I hear from him, and if I don’t I chill. He said he will call me yesterday or today, and I agreed. If he doesn’t call, that is his loss as it would mean there will be no date for him this weekend – period. I am seeing Guy 1 on Saturday – we are going to an exhibition and then eating out and doing whatever else catches our fancy until the day ends. I had reserved Sunday for Guy 3 [without telling him of course as he wanted to spend this weekend with me as he has done the last 3], but if I don’t get that phone call, then Sunday will be chill out day where I stay at home tidy up and then pamper myself!
Guy 4 – Don’t know his star yet – He was initially laid back about pursuing me, but when I mirrored his actions he is now hot on the chase! We spoke last night and he is an exceptionally intelligent and funny guy and at the end of the chat, he immediately signalled that he would like to speak to me again and when I said that was cool, he then asked if an actual date would be OK. I said it would be OK, but did not commit to anything – let him do the work and make the arrangements if he wants to see me!
In the end, I will choose whom I want and feel most best suited to or choose no one if they are not a good match. Life is too short and I spent a good part of mine pleasing the undeserving!
My post here is to reiterate that what MOH preaches works!

Jasmine Barnes said...

@Anonymous June 10, 2018 at 1:09 PM
Wow wow wow! I am so proud of you. You got back in the dating game AFTER healing yourself which is the best way. I know it wasn't easy especially since your first serious experience was an abusive one. You are so strong and amazing. Isn't it fun looking though your roster and finding your star player? lol
I'm really liking the Taurus guy, he seems great.
Keep us updated on your journey, love to see how this turns out! :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror!

I started working with a new guy the past month doing some online work for the company he works at. We're on calls 3x a week. I'll call him the Capricorn Guy.

I never thought we'd meet in person, but we did for the first time a few days ago because he needed in-person marketing help (which I was paid for per hour).

He offered to get me a coffee before I started my work (was he just being nice? He didn't have to!). When I asked if I could get a lemonade instead, he was like, "Sure, go ahead I got you."

At that moment, when he said the "I got you" it reminded me of what gentleman used to say ... and I felt magical tingly feelings, LOL. He also opened doors for me. :-)

While we were on a call today, it felt like business as usual.... but he asked if I could help him with marketing in person again, but I said honestly it's a bad time right now because it's summertime and he's not going to get much response.

So he's like yeah true, winter might be better. Not sure if it was just an excuse to see me again?

I'm wondering - what would he do if he was actually attracted? Would he risk a work relationship to ask me out? Because if he was rejected, it would be really awkward since we're on set calls every week. And I could really make him lose money if I stopped working under him.

He has never mentioned hanging out with a girlfriend when he talked about his weekend - so it doesn't sound like he has one (though you never really know).

Also, all our texts are work-related..

I'm semi-interested because he's my type (ambitious, hardworking, smart, family-oriented, listens to me ramble), so I don't know if there's potential here? Should I be more encouraging in a subtle way?

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
"Should I be more encouraging in a subtle way?"

You can do that in a reciprocal way, but not an initiating way.

If he contacts you and the energy is good, then you can reciprocate that and play along with it. But I would not suggest contacting him in order to make that happen. Making the moves is up to him. Once he's made a move, you can then respond positively ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror!!

You said: "Making the moves is up to him. Once he's made a move, you can then respond positively"

Would you consider this a "move":

Today while we were on a call, I asked if he had tried this specialty coffee mixed in with butter. He said he had heard of it, but hadn't tried it.

Then I joked that I should add butter to my Starbucks drink to see if it would have the same effect but it'd probably be gross.

And he said, "I'll even buy your drink if you'll try it haha."

I replied, "Oh my god haha I don't even know if I could finish it. I'd take a sip and be like yuckkk. I should look up if anyone has tried it."

He said, "Well you can be the first haha."

Then he finished up our work session online and rushed me off the call.

Thing is, it'd probably make me have diarrhea LOL so I wouldn't have agreed to it anyways.

So did he just casually say that because he didn't think I'd take him up on it (because of how disgusting it sounded), or was he asking me out (possibly as a friend)?

I can't really bring it up on the next work call though or it would feel like I'm taking it too seriously (i.e. I was thinking about it all weekend) when maybe he was joking.

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
That appears to be flirting. So at this stage, unfortunately, no it's not a move technically. Flirting is harmless and sometimes it can mean something and sometimes it's just for fun and a part of the person's personality (i.e. they do it often, and with just about everyone).

If he directly asks you out, waits for your positive response, and then sets a day, time and place -- that's a solid move, and that's a date ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror!

Okay, minor update. Think he's flirting with me again.

Today Capricorn Guy and I talked about Facebook accounts and I mentioned how I stay up to date on local news by scanning my newsfeed.

He commented that he has only a few friends on his, so he doesn't get much use out of it. And then added, "I bet you you can't find my account even if you tried."

Errr...

Maybe I'm overanalyzing, but I get a feeling like he's trying to determine my interest level.

I fell into the trap though....... started trying to find his Facebook profile because I can't refuse a challenge like that.

Since he's in sales/marketing, I think he might know what he's doing; feels like he's dropping bait every call lately, waiting for me to take some kind of action.

I'll hold out for the "date" - as you say, a fixed day, time, and place. That would make me feel less confused/annoyed by all the harmless flirting!

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror,

So an update on the Capricorn Guy aka my project manager:

He has now turned into a DM!!! But I don't think he's coming back.

We lost our advertising account last week (not my fault!), and he hasn't texted/called me back for 4 days. He always gets back to me within a day.

I'm a bit annoyed, because we got pretty close within the past few months and shared a lot of personal stories....although after reading so many DM stories on here, I shouldn't even be surprised this could happen.

He could have replied my text saying - sorry we can't work on this project anymore, are you interested in doing XYZ instead? That would have been fine with me.

Instead, he chose to just disappear, and not give me the response I deserve.

On a positive note... if he doesn't reply me by Monday, I'm changing the password and taking over the fan page we built that has hundreds of fans. I don't think he really cares since he has so many, but it'll be a gain for me. :-P WIN!

- Vivian

Marlenee Julianty said...

So I was in LDR with a gemini man, we had the awesome 10 months in long distance relationship until I dissapointed him while I was drunk. How to get him back? we haven't break up yet cause he had to work but he kicked me out of the hotel the next morning after I yelled at his female personal assistant while I was drunk and I also refused to had sex with him, he still kissed me before I left but only light kiss. He told me he needs time to think about the situation and he had to fly to Singapore to attend a meeting.
Before I go, I told him calmly that I love him and he's the man of my dreams and I'm going to work on my way to move to US with or without him, I told him I will wait. l for him. We both showed dignity before I leave the hotel even though it was hurt me when he kicked me out while he's still in town. he didn't want me to accompany him to the airport. But I didn't cry or emotionally break down, I keep calm and control my emotion.
When I'm home I sent him long messages trying to apologize to him and his PA for my cruel behavior when I was drunk and told him that I will wait for him, I told him that I don't need another man so I will just do my work and continue trying to get scholarship in US as I already planned with him before that bizarre night.
No reply.
do you think I still got the chance?

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I dumped a guy about 7 months ago as he was exhibiting "player" behavior and stringing me along. He regularly disappeared, was ignorant, left me hanging during text conversations and sweet talked until the cows came home. However his words and actions did not align at all. I finally (after many months, silly me for waiting that long) dumped his sorry butt.

He as circled around again by sending "hey" and "what's up" texts. I am tired of his crap. Several times I ignored them but one day I engaged him for a few texts, then went completely MIA on him. He has sent some lame follow up texts but I am not responding. A taste of his own medicine.

Mirror, how come he is texting me after all this time? I never understand guys who vanish and then show up months later with these lame texts.

Barbara







The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Barbara,
"how come he is texting me after all this time? I never understand guys who vanish and then show up months later with these lame texts."

Generally speaking, those are insecure men. Insecure men who need to use manipulation to win a woman over, instead of honest to goodness social skills.

These pieces will shed more light:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2015/02/insecure-men-dating.html

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/11/dating-a-disappearing-man.html

Anonymous said...

I've dated Aries guy for two months everything has been great, he suddenly dissappeared for 3 days this past week, i gave him his space and never contacted him, he contacted me on the 4th day, apoligizing for his MIA had lots on his mind and had to organize himself, he thanked me and appreciated the
Space i have him. I waited 24 hrs and send him the carefree text. He has not contacted me yet it has been 9hrs. Need help! Is he disturbed since
I ignored him? Shouldve i just text him quick instead
Of
Ingnoring?! Helppp what should
I do!

Gem50 said...

@Anonymous Oct 26 @ 4:02p
"... what should I do!"
I don't think you should do anything. Anything, that is, about him. You may want to look for ways to treat yourself to things or events that you haven't had the time to do the past two months since you've been dating Aries.
Two months is still very early in a relationship and you have a lot of observing to do -- you both do. So take care of yourself, don't react to his behavior, and keep living your life. :)

Anonymous said...

Mirror, Ladies, this is Hopeful and I would like to ask about your opinion. I´ve been corresponding with this man for about a year now. I never thought it might lead somewhere but I always responded to his emails. The emails were short and about mundane things. (I have already written about him here). Recently his mom had a stroke and was sent home from hospital to be looked after by her family. He disappeared for a short while but now is back and again writes regularly. Our emails have become longer, I support him in difficult times and he writes about his mom´s condition and his problems and feelings. My question to you is this: I am somehow lost in this (never happened to me yet while dating online). In all the year of our correspondence he hasn´t shared much personal info about himself apart from what he does in his home and things like that. On the other hand, recently our correspondence has become quite heavy emotionally because of his mother´s condition. I feel I should support him, so I do, but I don´t know him, I don´t even have his phone number. What is this about? On the whole he is polite, stable, writes absolutely consistently (apart from a short break when his mom was taken to hospital) but I don´t know how to approach all of this. We wanted to meet right before his mother fell ill and understendably, since then he has had different problems so I don´t blame him but will I continue writing these supportive emails to someone I haven´t even talked to on the phone and know virtually nothing about? Mirror, what do you think? I understand and I can support and encourage him forever but isn´t this a bit weird? What do you think? Also, what annoyed me a bit, in the last email he wrote that I am a strong woman. Perhaps he meant it as a compliment and maybe it´s even true (I am not sure about that) but I don´t know why I didn´t like it. As if he put his burden on my shoulders and at the same time was telling me "you are strong, so I can freely put my problems on your shoulders". I don´t like this. (Needless to say, not a mention of a meeting anymore). On the other hand, I can´t stop writing right now, and on the whole he seems to be a decent man.
Please what do you think I should do? I will be looking forward to your views,
Hopeful

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
"I´ve been corresponding with this man for about a year now. . .I don´t even have his phone number. What is this about?"

A man that doesn't take ACTION isn't worth that amount of investment dear. If a man doesn't take action within the first month or so of correspondence, his lack of action is telling you something. He's not taking dating seriously, he could possibly be married or with someone, and/or he's simply seeking a pen pal text buddy.

"but will I continue writing these supportive emails to someone I haven´t even talked to on the phone and know virtually nothing about?"

Well, that's up to you. You have power here, you just have to wield it. Your power lies in your CHOICE. Will you choose to continue investing into someone that isn't investing into you or providing a return on that investment? Or will you choose to free yourself of that and only invest in those who are providing a return on that investment back to you?

"I can´t stop writing right now, and on the whole he seems to be a decent man."

But you really don't know that because you've never met this man. All you know about him is what he wants you to know. He has never taken any action. He has not moved the relationship forward. And he has not even asked for your phone number in an entire year. This man could be married for all you know - so we cannot assume he's a decent man, ya' know?

"what do you think I should do?"

I would cease investing time and attention into a situation that hasn't made any progress in a year's span of time :-( People can only treat you as poorly as you let them. If you continue to permit yourself to be strung along, then he'll continue to string you along. Talking to him will not change anything. Observing his actions or lack thereof tell the true tale. . .and I think you've observed enough here to be able to determine that this is leading nowhere and therefore, is not worth any more investment :-(

Anonymous said...

@Mirror
Mirror, thank you for your prompt answer. You are right, this man is an enigma, he keeps his distance and now when he needs support he welcomes my encouragement. And I get almost nothing in return. I guess when his mom is stabilised somehow, he will quickly forget my support. You once wrote about women on the backburner, and I think that´s definitely me in this situation. And he takes me for granted just because I have supported him:-(. It doesn´t help bacause I have a lot of other problems right now, a very difficult period in my life. You suggest I should stop corresponding with him... I don´t know... After all, he did invite me for a date so maybe he really wants to meet.(?) I´ve decided to give it a little break and respond later than usual. Maybe something will dawn on him.

Mirror, why do I and many other women have to go through all of this experience? I have always avoided married or engaged men like a plaque but other than that I have had all kinds of weird experience with men you can imagine. Well, hopefully, I will finally get out of this.

Thank you again for your advice and support. Have a nice week and take care:-),
Hopeful

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
"why do I and many other women have to go through all of this experience?"

I like to look at our life experiences, such as those negative we're referring to here, like this. . .you cannot recognize the GOOD, until you've dealt first hand with the BAD.

Life lessons - much like school - with those that bring the experiences acting much like teachers of sorts.

Many times, people come into our lives as teachers. And the experiences they bring with them teach us valuable lessons.

And then we get to use those lessons in our future experiences. They help us avoid negative situations that we've already "touched" on in some way in the past. So that we can take all we've learned and use it to help us avoid making mistakes, or getting swindled by people, in the future ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Mirror
Yes, very true... I agree and accept that. You put a smile on my face with your answer though. I mean the only problem is...well,I wonder how long will this "schooling" last? Hopefully, when the right man comes along I/we still be in good enough shape so as not to disintegrate in his arms when he embraces us.LOL

I wish you a nice day. Let´s keep smiling:-)
Hopeful

Fire & Water said...

@Hopeful,
First, it's so nice to hear from you! (Also, I saw Gem50 commenting a bit a little while back - great to know Gem is still around too and doing well! *waves @ Gem50*). When anyone who's shared their stories at length doesn't post for awhile, I start to wonder how they've been.
Hopeful, you said you were going through some difficult things, so I just wanted to send you some happy energy and strength and good wishes that things get better again for you soon!
Also, I second what Mirror said about all these negative experiences being schooling. I have a theory - and it's only a theory because I definitely have not come to the end of my schooling (sigh). But my theory is that we keep getting the same lesson until we stop making the mistake. So if we want to move forward - or at least change the lesson :) - we need to process said lesson and take different actions the next time. For myself, for example, I think I fall into a trap of believing there's more than there is from guys and I don't hold back because I get so excited to get to know the person and then bam - I'm categorized as "easy" and the whole thing crashes before it really starts. So, now that I know that, I am steeling myself to not not not do that on the next chance at romance I have. I meant to try it with A and sort of failed miserably. But since it's my lesson, I can do the learning. It's in my hands to control my actions and do things differently and that's a positive thing. So to curtail my rambling, if you find yourself getting the same schooling, maybe really, completely processing the lesson tot he point that you do different things might be able to help you get on to something different. I hope you get to something better soon and I wish you many, many good things coming!
Take care!
F & W

Anonymous said...

@Fire and Water
I am glad to hear from you too:-). Your words of encouragement really do good to me, especially in this period of my life when a lot of things seem to be coming to an end. As if my old life as I was used to was falling apart (relationship wise):-(. Hopefully, you are in a much better place in life now:-).
As for men, I am like you - always happy and excited when a new one comes along, always believing that this one will be the one or at least better than the previous oneLOL. However, recently I have r e a l l y been working on this trying my best to curb my excitement and use reason instead. And if those feelings of excitement arise, I at least try not to act upon them. E.g. with this man I´ve been corresponding for so long I had no expectations whatsoever until he had asked me out. Honestly, I never expected he would. But admittedly, at that point I started to have some expectations and even feelings. However, as I said, I am doing my best to surpress them and act as cool as possible (correspondence counts too, doesn´t it?). So I think his impression of me must be that I am level-headed and self-confident. And as Mirror says - no feelings, just reason. Which I am trying to stick to. I will give our correspondence a little break now and we´see what he will do. The reason is he is the most decent and solid man I have met while dating online (judging only by correspondence but still the best so far).
Anyway, thank you again for your encouragement and support. What about your dating experience? I hope you are doing fine. I wish you all the best in all you do,
Hopeful

Anonymous said...

Mirror, Fire and Water and everybody,
I have an update. As soon as I sent my message to Fire and Water, I checked out the dating site via which I´ve been corresponding with that man. What do I see? He has deactivated his profile today (it´s a free dating site btw). He sent me a short message, very impersonal, without even addressing me by name: Hi, I am done with the dating site. If you want you can write to me on my email address (I have it because we exchanged photos using private addresses). Well, what is this? Have I been dumped? (in a cowardly way). Because if he was interested, why would he stop using the dating site just at this moment? Or is it a trick of a sort? I don´t understand. And the worst is his impersonal tone while in his last email he was full of kindness and friendliness (in all of his emails he sounded very polite and kind). Anyway, my question to you is: What to do? Mirror, do you have any advice? Do you have any experience with behaviour like this? Or intuition? Please write what you think. Thanks. Not only for your advice but also for your infinite patience:-).
Hopeful

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
"What to do? Mirror, do you have any advice?"

I'm sorry that this happened to you dear. But I think the writing was on the wall. This mans lack of action over the course of a year was saying a LOT. If a man doesn't take action within the first month, his lack of action is showing you that he's not serious about dating, and that any more time investment on your part would be a waste of time.

With that in mind, I stand by my last suggestion to you, which was:

"I would cease investing time and attention into a situation that hasn't made any progress in a year's span of time :-( People can only treat you as poorly as you let them. If you continue to permit yourself to be strung along, then he'll continue to string you along. Talking to him will not change anything. Observing his actions or lack thereof tell the true tale. . .and I think you've observed enough here to be able to determine that this is leading nowhere and therefore, is not worth any more investment :-("

He's not worth it dear - let him go and don't look back. As hard as that may be, you need to take care of YOU. If you proceed with him, it will only waste more of your time, leave you questioning yourself, damage your confidence, and cause you to experience more self-doubt. Take care of yourself and don't let that happen to you.

Anonymous said...

@Mirror
Thank you, Mirror, I agree. Total waste of time. And his cowardly exit is really unpleasant. I bet he is still on that dating site but under a different name. What a loser!
Never mind. Better than meet him in person and be dumped afterwards.
Thank you again, Mirror, you always help me so much. Have a nice day and take care:-)
Hopeful

Fire & Water said...

@Hopeful,
Mirror is spot on, as usual. I suspect the guy is feeling overwhelmed with everything going on with his mother & probably doesn't have the time, energy or interest to date right now (and yes, it's unfair of him to have been on a dating siting when that was the case, but unfortunately, guys seem to do that a lot and thing noting of it). He's enjoyed your interactions as a support for him (and he hopes you'll chase him down to give it to him, hence the "email me" invite), but he's not going to do anything to move a relationship forward. He's not worth any more of your time.
You said "As if my old life as I was used to was falling apart (relationship wise):-(. "...and I wanted to mention: sometimes, when that happens, it's because there's a new life waiting for you that you can only get to if you break your old ties. It's freeing you up to move on. Even though it's hard to get through right now (change always is!), this could be the path forward :) I hope you are able to look at it positively!
As for my current dating life it's easy to describe - nonexistent lol. I have a lot of things keeping me busy and my time is at a minimum. Although I would make time for a relationship if a gentleman arrived and pursued me, I don't really think it's fair to put myself out there, actively seeking a relationship when I can't devote that much time to it. That's where I am right now. "A" was my last "possible" and I still try to use our occasional interactions as a learning experience, so I am prepared for good things in the future.
Stay "Hopeful", girl! Sending you good vibes!!
F & W

Anonymous said...

@Fire and Water
thank you for your kind words. I am glad to hear you are doing fine:-).I wish you were right regarding a new life after breaking old ties. I am still H/hopeful:-)
As for this man, I´ve deleted his address and photo (just in case). And I think I am already able to look at him as someone who isn´t right for me anyway (he was decent but did we really click? Frankly, I don´t think so when I look back on our correspondence. For me it was quite boring, I just wanted to give a chance to a decent guy, so maybe that´s where I made a mistake. And with his cowardly exit I really lost genuine interest in him. His "email me invite" is cowardly, I really don´t like it). By the way, all of our correspondence has been deleted since he deactivated his profile so I can´t look at it anymore which is fine. Itś sort of surreal because only the day before yesterday I was thinking about what I would write to him and now there´s no trace of him on the site.
Anyway, thank you again for supportive words:-). I wish you all the very best,
Hopeful

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,

I've been chatting on a free dating site with a guy for a month or so. He had a female friend write his profile (which is odd). He is described as Mr. Nice, strong and silent type who is always around to help a lady out, fix things, open doors, reliable, etc. No phone numbers exchanged at this point, just messaging back and forth online.

I am tempted to accept one of his many invitations to meet. He messages me every morning asking how I am and can we go for a walk or get coffee. I have held back a bit and made some excuses about having a cold or being tired. The only thing he has stated that is remotely sexual was "let's cuddle", other than that there are questions getting to know one another.

The guy appears to be online constantly waiting for me to log in to the site. Some nights I don't because I have other things to do and friends to see. Seems like he doesn't have a life or something. I go on to the site a few times a day to see if he sitting on there, and most of the time after work most days he is online all night! When I do log in he messages me immediately.

Should I tell this guy I am not going to meet him? Does this sound like a "Clinger, Stage 5" fellow? Or am I overthinking things? I don't want to pass by a really great guy if I am just over analyzing the situation. Help.


Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I have been talking to a guy I met online for about 2 months. We are both in our late 20's. At this point, we are conversing occasionally through phone calls and texts, but he has expressed more than once that he would like to meet up officially.

We are not dating, so we don't correspond every day, but I will say that he does initiate the conversation the majority of the time (which he brought up to me one day after asking him what was wrong when he said to me he wasn't doing good). He expressed the fact that he feels it is difficult to talk to me, at times he thinks we can have a convo but then I don't converse with him fluidly, he wishes our conversations were more consistent and that sometimes he feels that he has to start our convo.

Last week Saturday (his day off from work), he text me at around 12:30 pm, wanting to know if I wanted to meet up that day. I texted back and asked what he had in mind and told him that my car was in the garage and I would have to postpone the meeting until the week after when the car is up and running.

He said ok, told me where he had in mind to meet, and said lets see how the following week (this week) goes and that he is working on Saturday (today) but he "thinks we can probably meet after". I said ok and left it there - though what he said sounded a bit wishy-washy to me and he did not notify me about the time-frame he would be leaving work.

The following day (last week Sunday) he text me a silly "see what your contacts think of you" chain mail on whatsapp at 2 pm and then a little after 10 pm a 'Hello'. I was not aware when he sent the second text and I was busy the following day, so I did not get around to messaging him back. He sent another text the following day (Monday) calling me by my first name " *first name* ...."

After that we talked a little about a show that we both watch that aired the previous day, but since then it was silence up until yesterday when he sent a video on whatsapp (something generic you would send to your contacts). He did not confirm anything for the meet up today nor did he ask about my car and whether it was out of the garage.

He didn't contact me at all today either (the day we were to supposedly meet up)

I'm not sure what to say to him if/when he does contact me again, or if I should say anything to him at all. It would have been nice if he confirmed a time either yesterday or this morning, suggesting a potential time based on his work schedule, but now I'm wondering if I'm the one at fault because I did not communicate with him, but was rather waiting to see if he would follow up?

He was on whatsapp up until a few minutes ago, so I think it's clear that he made other plans, but I feel that the courteous thing to do would have been to say something to me today, even if it was to say he would not be able to meet me instead of leaving me hanging.

Now I am wondering what to say to him if/when he does contact me tomorrow or next week. Can you advise me Mirror?

Anonymous said...

@Mirror, Fire and Water
I have a surprising update. The man from the dating site has sent me an email to my private email address. He again wrote that he had left the dating site and added that if I didn´t mind we could continue our correspondence off the dating site. And used a different name to sign at the end (urgh). (I knew him under a different name, he must have forgotten about it).
Well, to be honest, I don´t know if I should be happy or not. So confusing. We established a kind of rapport on the dating site and in the middle of it he left so abruptly... In the last few days I have done my best to detach and forget about him and now he is here again. I don´t know what to think. I have become suspicious of him and tired even and perhaps it´s good considering my never-ending naivety. Ladies, what do you think? Is he in a relationship and had to delete his account for that reason? What comes to your mind?
Thank you for your thoughts and I will be looking forward to your reply. I wish you a nice day:-),
Hopeful

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 5, 2:12 AM,
"Should I tell this guy I am not going to meet him?"

Not unless you've actually spoken to him first -- on the phone. If a man cannot pick up the phone and actually call you to have a conversation with you first, there's something wrong. And his unwillingness to do so shows you that he's not taking dating, or you, very seriously. Because if he were, he'd be more than happy to pick up the phone.

When you actually speak to someone, you get a much better feel for them. And THEN you can decide if you want to meet him face to face or not.

If the call goes well, one date is worth it to explore it further. You can take it one step at a time ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror and everybody,
I owe you an update-epilogue: Well, I just want to testify (again) that you were spot on concerning the man I have been corresponding with for a year. To my defence I must say that I didn´t invest so much because the initial emails were brief and about nothing and also, I didn´t have expectations. Then, as you know, out of the blue the man surprisingly deleted his online profile and contacted me on my private address (we had exchanged our private addresses in order to send photos to each other). I was hesitant and also you warned me cut him off, but I continued corresponding with him because I was going through an extremely difficult period in my life this autumn and he was very supportive. Really, at certain moments, he was something like my last resort. I know that it was illusory but it did help. And I supported him too with his mom´s illness. So at last, after all of the turmoil in our lives, we met in person. Honestly, when I saw him, I didn´t like him very much. He looked exactly like in the photo but I had imagined him being more masculine including the voice. Never mind, we went for a coffee. He was courteous, intelligent, we were seemingly on the same wavelength, definitely the highest quality man I have met online. As we were sitting in the café and chatting, I started to warm to him. Maybe something could come out of this after all, I thought. Then, about an hour into our sitting, he started talking about his son and... his w i f e! Not ex-wife but wife. Wow. I didn´t expect that despite everything. He looked so decent. He explained to me that he hadn´t stated in his dating profile that he was divorced. To my knowledge, if I remember correctly, he had. Of course, there´s no proof as he had deleted the profile. Well, he proceeded to explain that his wife had left him for another 5 years ago. His son was 11 then. This man didn´t want to divorce because of the child, he didn´t want to lose him because his wife´s partner had acquaintances among lawyers so the man was afraid of divorce proceedings. I was like "w w o o u u, is this for real". My gut told me he wasn´t lying. So basically he told me that he is a fool who let his wife have a realtionship with another man and is waiting for her to return. They share a house so I guess that will also be a reason. He simply had and still has nowhere to go. I listened to him for a while, even supported him (I really do think he wasn´t lying and he had supported me before) and then I thanked him, told him I was looking for somebody real and left. Mirror, you were spot on as usual. I know I am naive but on the other hand, obviously everybody judges others through his or her own experience and I may have faults but definitely I don´t behave like this. On a plus side, my gut proved to be right because as soon as we met in person I felt repulsion (whilst in the correspondence I liked him a lot when he was supportive). I have mixed feelings. I am not even angry with this one because he really helped me through the tough time but overall...

Mirror, the end of the year is coming... Yet another one... I´d like to thank you for your patience and wonderful work which is helping women worldwide. I wish you only the very best and may all your dreams come true. Also, I send my wishes to all the ladies here. Hopeful:-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
This was a valuable life lesson for you dear, and you should view it as such ;-)

I know that for many, it's difficult for them to understand why I often advise to walk away from certain men without even knowing much about them or the situation. But after having walked down these paths several times yourself, you become adept at recognizing the writing on the wall.

The details of the "why" no longer matter. All that matters is that sometime isn't right, and that eventually becomes enough reason for you to make the break and cut someone off.

As time goes on, and you learn to rely more on your gut instincts as a woman, and you have experiences such as this to gain insight from - you, too, will become much more comfortable at walking away without investing all the "whys" first ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi. I've been dating a man for about 6 months. We've been growing closer now. He was doing things for me and being vulnerable. He hasn't told me he loves me, but I could see it and feel it and he said twice that when he's finished building his home on his retirement property, that if I'm still around, we'll be living up on the hill and that I can work from home (which I work from home and the property is way out in the country). Well, after that night, the next time I saw him, he help me get my Christmas tree. He seemed distant and I already knew he spends Christmas with his ex-wife for their young daughter, so that didn't bother me, but he didn't make time for me to spend time together around it and you know men, they wait til the last minute so he was busy 2 days leading up to Christmas day. I offered to help him wrap presents and got no response. He wished me and my daughter a merry Christmas. We were supposed to spend New Year's Eve together with our girls and I sent him a text asking if we're still on and wanting to know what kind of meat to order like we discussed? Well, he told me last night via text, that he probably has to cancel, that he's super sick. I know it's going around bad now, but how does one know they'll still be sick 3 days down the road? I responde, 'I know it's going around, but 3 days later? If seems like I've been getting blown off lately. I'm confused.' A friend told me that sounded angry. So I sent another text stating more of my feelings of feeling disappointed to find out he's sick after having had a difficult Chrismtas and feeling lonely. I told him I could bring him something if he needs anything and to call when he's up to it. What's your take, Aphrodite? Is he in his man cave figuring out his feelings and whether he is really ready to take t his to the next level with me???

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 29, 7:53 PM,
"What's your take, Aphrodite? Is he in his man cave figuring out his feelings and whether he is really ready to take t his to the next level with me?"

I wouldn't worry about what he's thinking. Instead, I would be thinking about myself and asking myself, "Is this a man that can make me happy?"

You've invested 6 months into this man. He has not told you he loves you, and he's still pretty wrapped up in his exes life. I understand he has a child with her and it's ideal for the child to have that family situation. However, it's not healthy for the child to think things are fine when they're not. And if it's truly over, wouldn't it make sense to include you in these activities, if you're truly going to be a part of this man's life as he claims?

There are divorced individuals with children in my family. And during the holidays, they are together with the children, and their significant others. They do not exclude their significant others. Instead, they have created a new family dynamic, which is in line with their new reality.

If this man is unwilling to do this, and unwilling to begin a new life with someone else, and unavailable to you on holidays and special occasions as a result -- then you need to become honest with yourself and ask yourself if this is a man that's truly capable of making you happy. Is this how you want to spend the next few years of your life, or possibly more? Is this going to make you happy in the long run? Are you willing to take a back seat to the situation with his ex? And if so, for how long until you feel that YOU need to be an equal priority in this mans life?

In otherwords, how long are you willing to settle for what little this man is willing to give? And how long are you willing to sacrifice your happiness for him?

"he said twice that when he's finished building his home on his retirement property, that if I'm still around, we'll be living up on the hill"

If you're still around? Why word it like that? Is he expecting you to leave? Is he expecting to not follow through? Is he not as serious about this as he claims?

I must tell you that when men speak like this, of the future like this, man of them are speaking from a position of "fantasy" versus reality. One man many years ago told me, "It's just fun talk." Meaning, they're not all that serious about it. Instead, they kind of daydreaming about "what ifs" instead of "what I'm going to do."

And when you are in that house of his, what's he going to do about these holidays? Make you sit at home while he goes and plays house with his ex wife?

It sounds to me like this man is not fully moving on. It sounds to me as if he's not really ready for a new relationship. And it sounds to me like he's not taking this seriously. If he was, he'd be forming a new life and new holiday traditions with you, and he would be including you into things, as a new member of the family.

Please think more about yourself and your happiness here, than him and what he's thinking or what this behavior of his is about. Men that are taking a woman seriously work hard to fit them into their lifestyle. They do not exclude them. And they concern themselves with the WOMAN'S happiness - not just their own.

Is he concerned that you spent the holidays alone? Is he concerned about how that might affect you or make you feel? If he's not showing ANY concern for YOU or YOUR feelings and well being. . .then you might need to rethink continuing any further with him.

Anonymous said...

Im glad i found this site. Honestly i just dont know what to do about my situation the beginning every was good he would spend time with me want hang out go on dates all the time text me everyday. Until he became busy with school which is understandable if he had a full schedule. But we still would hang out but not much like we use to he started texting me every couple of days or so. But it really bother me because i am use to talk to him alot.when we went out i ask him want he looking for he said long term relationship.i said i was looking for friendship that be possibily that. months later i told him i like him and i want for him to alot like he use to understand he was busy or idk but it just didnt take much to text either. When i said that he got distant more it became so bad confusing when he reappear and disappear i ask him what he was looking he said i dont know that he isnt seeing anyone.i want to be in relationship with him but i didnt tell him that. But i did talk other people i felt like it wasnt going anywhere.one day i was hanging out with him i see that he dating app and he seen that i had one too and he got alittle jealous about it. Alittle bit more distant too but not as much. Everytime i ask him about how he feel about me he would go around my question it is really hard to get him to talk about his feeling.but his actions say otherwise.i really was beginning to love him and his disappearing alot not respond to my text and reappear then act like that never happen really hurt me a lot and when i ask him he would say i dont know why he does it and he come back to want to hang out again then i start to ask him a couple of times sometime do he want to hang out he would cancel plans and sometime he would see me. So i told him how i love him and he disappear again and ignore me . But i know he will be back again. Its really a back and forward thing

Prspecialk said...

I been having a hard time with this cuz I am the one that disappears. I known my best friend for 16 plus years. When we finally came together we were going thru a lot of drama cause of our Ex's so we took breaka from each other as the years past and straighten a little of our lives we would pump into each and we would start again. We will date and get intimate but than he run and flake on me. I would put him in his place and stop every communication. After 3 years we pump into each other with the same thing. It happen several times.
I don't understand is he scared of commitment. Why does he do that? He hasn't married or live with anyone. The reason his a father is during a one night stand and she got pregnant. The woman wanted him to married him but he didn't but has provided for the child more than he should but he did it for his son. He still haven't married but after 5 yrs I pump into him again everything was going good having fun, talking, kissing but no sex and he flaked on me at my son party. He apologize but said since I didn't call him he didn't know I wanted him there. I didn't call cause I was extremely busy at work and didn't get a chance to text him like I usually do. I tried to text me but work was really crazy I didn't even take lunch or breaks. I am furious at him for not coming. I have implemented the no contact rule am I doing the right thing am I wrong.
Please I need new eyes on this cause either the universal is playing tricks on me for all this years or I am just stupid.
Thanks, prspecialk

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I remember reading your opinion on age difference somewhere here but I can´t find it. I have had a few telephone conversations with a man who is "good on paper" plus sounds very pleasant and attractive on the phone plus seems to be genuinely looking for a partner. The problem is, he is almost 11 years older than me. I have always dated men my age or slightly older so I am a bit worried about the age difference. I understand that everything is individual and this man is a sports type, in good shape, young in spirit and all, but still... After all my unfortunate experience I am hesitant as to whether meet him in person at all. Mirror, what´s your view on age difference? When we speak on the phone I feel quite younger, less experienced, more childlike, etc. (Never felt like this with the men I dated, I was always the more mature and responsible one). But I also feel a little like his daughter. Do you have any experience of dating older men?
I will be looking forward to your reply. Have a nice day:-),
Hopeful

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
"Do you have any experience of dating older men?"

I do - I spent 7 years with a man 10 years older than me.

"After all my unfortunate experience I am hesitant as to whether meet him in person at all."

Don't let past fear hamper future possibilities. There's no harm in giving things a chance during one face to face meeting. If, after that, you're still feeling uncomfortable with the age difference, then you'll know that this is likely not the right man for you.

"Mirror, what´s your view on age difference?"

That depends on the age of both parties involved, and the age difference itself, and the emotional maturity of both parties. For instance, an 18 year old girl dating a 30 year old man is a lot different than a 38 year old woman dating a 50 year old man.

In the second scenario, each party has the benefit of emotional maturity working to their advantage (or at least we would assume that). In the first scenario however, youth will not have granted that level of emotional maturity yet through experience.

Generally speaking, I think anything that's close to a generation or more in age difference is a bit more difficult (16 to 20 years). Personally, I've noticed that when an age gap along those lines exists, the two are stemming from different generations which makes it a bit more difficult to see eye to eye, understand and relate to one another, and exhibit the same levels of emotional maturity.

Because different generations generally have different views and beliefs on life, lifestyle, work and career habits, societal issues, etc. For instance, a man stemming from an older generation dating a woman stemming from a younger one might not see eye to eye on whether or not she should work after having children. She may be of the mindset that women have career equality, while the man may want his children raised as he was raised. . .with his mother at home, not working.

More minor issues that may appear when there's a generation gap could be along the lines of simple connection. Maybe he likes big band music from his generation, while the woman likes alternative music from her generation. Maybe the man likes to view himself as the head of the household, while the woman is more modern in her thinking and views that as an equal role. And maybe the man is able to handle his emotions more maturely due to his years of experience commanding them, and the woman is unable to do so as well because she's had less life experience and this causes turmoil.

While those things may seem minor, the reality is that they can lead to situations where there's endless bickering and an inability to see eye to eye. Every time you get into the car, you don't want to be bickering over the radio station playing - yet you do, constantly. If you've had a child and you've decided to return to work afterwards, you do not want to have that constantly thrown in your face with insinuations that you're somehow "less" of a mother. Every time you disagree on something, you want to talk and express your emotions for hours, while he says very little and has master command over his emotions - to the point that he rarely even shares them.

Minor situations can cause large fractures.

In the end, however, I believe it's truly about the two individuals involved, and not necessarily the age of those individuals. If both parties are mature and their beliefs and societal views align, even generation gaps can be overcome.

Anonymous said...

@Mirror
Thank you for your in-depth reply. And thank you also for your encouragement to give this man a chance. He is the first one who is considerably older than me, so I was kind of surprised that we clicked in a different (better) way than with the other men I had experience with. Yes, emotional maturity is very important and he seems to have more of it than younger men. So maybe I am ready for a man like him, we´ll see. Considering my previous dating experience though, I suspect that there might again be a catch:-). I have even googled him (which I don´t usually do but experience has taught me to) and it seems that he isn´t lying about himself. However, I can´t be sure about whether he is divorced or not:-(. I´ve found out he is quite active on the dating site so I don´t know. But yes, I´ll give him a chance, one meeting doesn´t cost me that much.
Thank you again very much, Mirror, I needed that encouragement:-). Have a nice day,
Hopeful

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I have an update for you. Well, as you know, I decided to give this older man a chance. We had a few phone conversations where there I could sense attraction on both sides. Definitely, there was a spark. No effort on my part, I just let him do most of the talking and was nice and smiling. In our last conversation he asked me out but unluckily, I had to decline because that week I was very busy. He quickly interrupted me that he was going away anyway and that he would come back in 3 weeks (a little insecure perhaps?). I said okay, I would be freer then. Mirror, I must admit that I followed him on the dating site (without him knowing, of course) and he indeed wasn´t there for two weeks, whilst in the third week he logged on quite frequently. He didn´t contact me. Then at the beginning of the 4th week I found an email from him saying: I have already come back. Contact me. (No "please", just this imperative). And he has my phone number, so...??? Mirror, I know what to do - nothing. Whatś your opinion please? If he wants to contact me, he can call, right? Or did I discourage him when I declined him asking me out in the last phone conversation?
Mirror, thank you for hearing me and have a nice day,
Hopeful:-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
"If he wants to contact me, he can call, right? Or did I discourage him when I declined him asking me out in the last phone conversation?"

Hmm - it's possible he became a bit discouraged (and lacks the courage to follow up). You sensed a bit of insecurity with him bouncing back right away with an "I'm traveling anyway" after you couldn't join him that week.

So let's test that and see where this man stands. Don't call him - but do respond to his email. And when you respond, encourage him to contact you (i.e. give him a green light and leave the ball in his court).

Maybe something like, "Great to see you back - how was the trip? My schedule has finally loosened up a bit. Give me a call if you'd like to get together. I look forward to meeting you."

That way, you've contacted him (by responding) - and he's received an inviting green light. A man shouldn't need anything more than that to pick up the phone and take action.

If he DOESN'T pick up the phone and take action, then I'd tend to think it's his preference for you to chase him. Obviously, I would not do that. If he wants to meet you, he knows how to contact you, and he's received an invitation to do so. He should then take the lead and step up to the plate and follow through.

If that doesn't happen and you sense he's playing a "chase me" game - move on. Don't get wrapped up in the why or in trying to figure him out. That's his inner work to do, not yours.

A man that is out there in the dating world and is serious about dating - should be the man and take the lead by actually asking the woman for a date. If he cannot do that and he is expecting women to chase him down, then he's not a man that's serious about dating.

Instead, he's simply playing games to amuse himself, pass the time, bolster his ego, and he's gambling with women like pawns in a chess game. Don't get caught up in that. It's been going on in the online dating world for SO MANY years now, that I'm surprised women even still fall for it and permit that game to be run on them. The word is out by now and there's no reason for a woman to settle for that childishness from a grown man.

Give him this opportunity via your response to prove whether he's serious about dating or if he's just out there playing games. His next action (or inaction) will tell you volumes about his true intentions for dating online ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Mirror
Thank you for your kind reply. To be honest, I am a bit surprised you encourage me to answer his email but I do realise that maybe I have gone too far concerning the principle of letting a man lead LoL. I used to be too active, now it seems I am too passive, so hopefully, I will reach a balance point in this respect. I´ll follow your advice but will let him stew a few days (maybe he will contact me again by email or by phone in the meantime, who knows). The truth is that I am busy anyway. I had time for him in the week I expected him to contact me after his return and now I would have to postpone our meeting anyway.

On a different note, I must honestly say I am a bit insecure with this one. He is the most masculine man I have met so far and I am not used to such strong male energy. I coped well on the phone but face to face communication is another thing. So maybe I am subconsciously trying to avoid meeting him (out of fear of being dumped - which is always worse when it happens after a date than after a phone call). To put it bluntly, I must admit that in this case I am as cowardly and wishy-washy as most men we write about here LoL.

Mirror, thank you very much. You have become a part of my life - when I need you but also when I am fine. My closest people all know about you. I wish you a nice day:-), bye,
Hopeful

Anonymous said...

@Mirror
I have a follow-up. I did what you suggested and everything went fine concerning our further contact. To this day we still haven´t met in person although we both have agreed to when we have more time. (He lives about an hour´s drive from my city, so if anything started between us, it would be a little problematic). Anyway, what happened: When he last phoned me, he had had something to drink before. When I answered the phone, he immediately apologised that he had drunk a little because he had a problem with his elderly mom and we talked about her for a bit. The conversation started ok, he apologised so although I was surprised by the fact he wasn´t sober, I continued talking to him. Mirror, he let himself carried away and talked abou his life. He said to me almost everything (I mean basic events, about his family, ex-wife, daughter, last girlfriend, financial situation, property, everything). It was touching and I could sense his long-time loneliness despite the fact that he is a successful man and really attractive (I found everything on the internet so he isn´t lying)... I just listened, gave him space to talk. At the same time I was a bit lost because I could sense the ten-year difference. It was a kind of confession about his life for him rather than me. I am afraid I was a bit harsh when we talked about age difference, after all, it´s not his fault that he is older. He was decent and didn´t say anything embarrassing apart from a few rude words for which I scolded him and he apologized immediately. The phone conversation ended positively and with mutual laughter.
I would like to ask you, Mirror: Do you think I should have told him right at the start of the conversation to call me when he was sober? I know he must be feeling very vulnerable now and maybe embarrassed, who knows? I bet he won´t contact me for a while now.
Thank you for your thoughts:-),
Hopeful

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
"we still haven´t met in person although we both have agreed to when we have more time."

If there's no time to meet each other, then don't waste your time getting caught up in a situation that only exists in the virtual world and not the real one. People who are genuinely interested in meeting someone MAKE time to do so. People who are not genuinely interested end up developing text pals and the situation never leads anywhere.

"I could sense the ten-year difference. . .I was a bit harsh when we talked about age difference"

If you're having a problem with the age difference, then you might not want to take this any further.

"Do you think I should have told him right at the start of the conversation to call me when he was sober?"

I think maybe you need to work out the issue you're having with the age difference. Even though he had been drinking and somewhat "dumped" on you, he was still opening and sharing with you. But because you're having problems with the age difference, it caused some problems during the conversation "a few rude words for which I scolded him and he apologized immediately."

That dynamic will continue if you don't resolve your feelings about the age difference. And it will only continue to grow from there if that remains and is not dealt with.

So the real question might be - are you deliberately holding back and making excuses NOT to meet this man, because you're feeling insecure about the age difference?

Because you're not going to be able to determine anything about this man really, unless you meet him face to face at least once ;-)

"Do you think I should have told him right at the start of the conversation to call me when he was sober?"

I don't think the drinking was really the issue making you uncomfortable. He wasn't inappropriate. I think the issue was - "I could sense the ten-year difference." ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Mirror
Thank you for your reply. You are right, this time I have found myself on the opposite side of the spectrum, so to speak, and it´s me who has been sabotaging the development with this man. Because of the age gap I have been feeling insecure, immature, etc. But Mirror, I have an update. I have found out (from an acquaintance of mine who has contacts in the town this man is from) that he is a local playboy:-(. It doesn´t mean that he can´t change but I am not so hopeful as to believe that he will change for me LOL. In addistion, he is 14 years older than me, not 10 (he lied). Also, he has had big financial losses recently, so he isn´t as rich as successful as he claims to be (which is none of my business but he lied about this too). Despite all of this - since the drunken phone call he hasn´t contacted me. I thought he would call me on international women´s day (men usually greet women on this day in our country, bring flowes, etc.) and he didn´t. So I suspect I won´t hear from him anymore. And I am kind of relieved.
In any case, I am grateful to you for your clarification. Yes, I couldn´t cope with the age difference, so you were on point as usual. Fortunately, I learned the other facts about him and I can let him go without beating myself up.
Mirror, when I will meet a decent man is up to universe. I don´t want to lose hope but it´s difficult.
Thank you again. Have a nice day:-),
Hopeful

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
sorry to bother you again with this man. He hasn´t contacted me since the drunken call and I must admit I miss him. The law of scarcity you wrote about works on me like a charm because now that he´s gone I would like him to come me again LOL. Mirror, my question to you is: We had nice phone calls with some fun and laughter but I politely declined him when he asked me out (twice, ouch!). However, I really couldn´t meet him then. I told him I needed more time´s notice and I suggested another time to which he replied that as he is in charge of hundreds of people he can´t plan very long in advance. Mirror, do you think this might have discouraged him? Because we actually discussed our meeting as if it was going to happen some time. Do you think he might still call me some time later or should I give up on him completely? Sorry to ask such questions, you can´t read his mind, but still... Your intuition is always on point. As for the age gap, I have slowly come to terms with it. You know, I need time to absorb and accept new things. I have never dated a significantly older man. Now I am even a little ashamed that I acted a little reluctantly because of the age gap but hopefully, he didn´t get offend but he calmly explained to me he was in good shape, etc. so I believe he didn´t .
Have a nice day and I will be looking forward to your ideas. Thank you for your patience. I am not sure if I always deserve it:-)
Hopeful

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
Apologies for the delayed response. A family emergency has taken place and as a result, I've been very distracted lately :-(

"Mirror, do you think this might have discouraged him?"

Maybe - maybe not. Either way, it's not YOUR actions I would focus on. I would focus on HIS. And here's why.

You want a man that is understanding of you, and one that is willing to move at your pace. A genuinely interested man will do this. A half interested man will not. And if a half interested man decides to move on. . .then that's the universe's way of telling you he was not the right man for you. He lacked understanding, and he was not willing to move at a pace that you were comfortable with.

"Do you think he might still call me some time later or should I give up on him completely?"

He may - or he may not. But there's nothing to "give up on". . .unless you're waiting around for him, which is something a woman should never do for a man she's never even met.

You keep moving forward with your life and if he wants you, he knows where to find you. But you don't wait around on him ;-)

I'm not sure it's HIM that you miss. I think it might simply be the ATTENTION that you're missing. Because in truth, this man really wasn't all that special to you. You've never even met him. The only thing you were receiving from him was his attention and nothing more. And if you wait on him and dwell on that, it will only cause you to miss the attention even more. So don't do that. Instead, keep moving forward with your life.

When it's meant to be, it will be - the universe will see to it. And until that time comes, you continue talking to and dating other men (so that you don't get hung up on one man).

This man drank a bit and he let that affect his behavior (and possibly his decisions). It's wholly inappropriate for a grown man to be picking up the phone to speak to a woman he's never even met - when he's been drinking. So it's apparent he lacks good judgment when dating. Additionally, he was not willing to move at your pace, and he lacked understanding towards you with regards to that. So I wouldn't grieve this loss too much ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Mirror
Thank you very much for your reply. I am sorry to hear you had a family emergency. Hopefully, things have turned out well. In any case, I wish you a lot of strength to deal with anything.

As for this man - yes, I miss his attention. Also, I feel a bit deceived because when I plan to meet someone, I certainly meet them sooner or later. We discussed our meeting and although I had to postpone it, I was willing to meet him and told him explicitely. You are right that I shouldn´t focus on my behaviour in this particular case because actually (I didn´t write to you about it), he suggested an immediate meeting while he was visiting my city on business (he lives an hour from here). So I was suppposed to jump and meet him the following day. Which didn´t suit me at all. I suggested a preplanned meeting to which he said that he couldn´t plan long in advance because of his job responsibilities. Whether it´s true or not, you are right that he was quite impolite and didn´t consider my circumstances at all. He is very attractive, so presumably he is used to women jumping over hoops for him:-(.

Mirror, thank you very much for your support and encouraging words that I didn´t spoil anything. Absolutely, as you say, he acted selfishly. I am moving on (can I do anything else? LOL).

I hope that everything is better for you now and you are fine. Have a nice day,
Hopeful

Fire & Water said...

@Mirror - I'm so sorry to hear there was an emergency in your family. Good energy, good thoughts and prayers that whatever you & your family need will come to you are headed your way!

@Hopeful - as I was reading Mirror's suggestion to you to keep moving forward, it reminded me that one thing I have found helpful when I begin to get lost in looking backward and wishing things had worked out is to center myself in an activity I'm passionate about. For example, I write a small fashion blog and I would (and do still) turn to that and focus on that part of who I am whenever I felt/feel myself get pulled toward negative thoughts. If you have anything like that, maybe you could use it the same way I have. It does seem to assist with re-booting my mindset :) I know the feeling of disappointment and frustration when another possibility goes up in flames - I've sort of been on a "sc**w love" kick myself these last few months. But I'm pretty sure that staying positive is the best way to attract the right love, so I'm working on getting back to that place. Wishing happiness for you as well! Hugs!
F & W

Anonymous said...

@FandW
Thank you for your nice words. Yes, you are right that the best thing we can do after a disappointment is to stay positive and focus on doing something that makes us happy. Personally, I must admit that I am quite tired at the moment (needless to say the man hasn´t phoned anymore and is still active on the dating site, so it´s clear I have been dumped:-(. However, I want to believe that it´s the best thing for me (and him too, let´ s be generous) because as I recall our phone conversations I realise there were some red flags so now I think it wouldn´t have worked out anyway. After so many disappointments I have come to this conclusion: When things don´t develop, there must be a reason I know nothing about. If they had been to develop, they would have.

I wish you a nice day and stay positive:-),
Hopeful

Lottie said...

Hi Hopeful,
Sorry to hear about your recent interaction with an older man.
I have been reading about this recently. Stay strong and stay true to yourself and trust your instinct.

I turned 40 today. Well a few hours ago THB. Wow, where and how did that happen?
It's certainly been a time for reflection. And it's late here but I was drawn to your site Ms Mirror as I reflected.

But I'm honestly ok about it. I'm single....but it almost seems unimportant now.

I am genuinely at peace. I could not have asked for a better birthday present than that.

"When things don´t develop, there must be a reason I know nothing about. If they had been to develop, they would have."

I quite agree.

There was a reason for me with the very man that bought me to Ms Mirror's site 3 years ago now.
It took me a while to find it but I did.

Where am I now?

Over the last two years I have spent 15 months studying in evening school a subject which has probably been calling me. I left my corporate career and launched a small creative business. I am now 2 years in
and I think I might be ok. Nothing is instant and success is not overnight. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I chuckle to myself when I'm in my little office making my products which people buy. People buy my things which I make!! And they like them! But it has never felt so natural to me in my entire life.
I never settled in my corporate career although I did well, I always fought against it.
I am a plain ordinary person. Not gifted in anyway.

I truly love what I do. I feel aligned now after all those years. Those internal steps to change were the hardest I have taken in my life.
But now I can look in the mirror. I am now closer than ever to the person I envisioned myself to be.

I feel I am on the right path. I feel like the universe nudged me with a big finger onto the right path.

I listen to my inner guiding voice and feelings now. Whereas before I was listening to other people and society.

Hopeful, I have come to learn the only thing in this life I have is my light. I won't let anyone take it from me. I have just found it.

Ms Mirror, I tried to find my original post, but what a journey it has been. I know your site is about relationships and finding a partner and navigating the world of dating...but it has so so many levels to it.
It's been an inspiration to me and a source of consistancy.

We are all here to learn lessons and grow. Mine came in the form of a man.

Best Wishes
Lottie x

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lottie,
WOW - I am SO happy for you!! Peace of mind girl. . .it's priceless.

And now you likely understand some of the things I've said in the past. The statements regarding men - and life being valuable and enjoyable with or without them. I've often told women in the past, this site isn't necessarily about getting the guy.

It's more about standing on your own and knowing your value as a woman.

Once that is accomplished, the rest just starts falling into place. And a feeling of great peace and contentment comes along with it. And then once you are beaming as your best self. . .you begin to attract that very same energy right back to you. Sometimes it's in the form of men, sometimes it's in the form of opportunities, sometimes it's in the form of friendships, sometimes it's in the form of experiences. . .but regardless of what it is, it tends to feel more fulfilling than any of those situations before it.

Now that you're walking your path. . .I suspect there are many twists and turns and wonderful positive experiences to come ;-)

Lottie said...

@Ms Mirror.

You are so right. You know I was so tempted to write in the past of some of the coincidences that had happened to me on my path. However because they were not about men I did not write.

But in some way I think it is all related.
I am still in contact with my friends that I made a couple of years ago and we are going on our second holiday soon. I wrote about it on your site and how they had come into my life when I was looking for companionship.

Ms mirror, I was asked how I felt about turning 40...and I answered I was truly ok about it.
However, I said it would have been a different story had I not have made the necessary internal shift in myself. I am sure I would not have been able to embrace my birthday otherwise.

I know my future seems uncertain, in fact it almost seems impossible from what I want from it.
But if I was to tell you of some of the lucky breaks I have had so far, I feel in fact it could be achievable.

It's all about the journey in the end Ms Mirror isn't it and not the final destination.

Ms Mirror I know what I want from my life now. Who I want to be. Was it worth the struggle to find that out?
Oh most certainly yes. Because nobody can take that away from you.

Anyway, I had a painful & unmotivated day today with a difficult customer. But tomorrow is another day.

Thanks Ms Mirror for letting me share.
Best Wishes
Lottie x

Anonymous said...

@Lottie
I am glad to hear from you:-). I have only found your post now so let me wish you a happy, happy birthday. I know it´s normal to pause and contemplate a bit but you are still very young, aren´t you, because what is forty nowadays? And from what you have written I can understand that you are very mature and realise things about life many people learn much later. So from this perspective you are very advantaged. I am happy to hear that you have your own small business and one of your dreams has come true. And if this dream has come true, any other can... I agree that Mirror´s site is more about finding oneself as a woman/person than about finding a man. Let´s enjoy life while we are still single because... who knows? Maybe we will find somebody special and then we won´t be single anymoreLoL. (I have been single most of my life so I am afraid I will have a hard time saying goodbye to my singlehood. And maybe that is the reason why I still haven´t found the right man for me. And the truth is I have blamed myself a lot for that. Not anymore. I try to accept myself the way I am and it´s liberating, really). Anyway, what I wanted to say is this: I am 100% sure you will find your man. That´s what my intuition tells me. So enjoy your single time as much as possible while you are single.And I think the longer you stay single the better the partner who will come into your life be (my personal belief).
Take care,
Hopeful

Lottie said...

@hopeful,
Your comments touched my heart yesterday when I read them. I was feeling tired and had a very early start the next morning where I was taking part in a photoshoot for my products for a magazine.
So your words came at the right time.

I've put a lot of effort into my business and sometimes with little reward (financial). But this morning when I was setting up my products I knew i was still on the right path. I love what I do.

I've been challenged, i won't lie but in a healthy positive way. I'm so proud of what I've achieved and who I am becoming. I am looking forward to the next 40 years of my life now.

Yes finding a man to share my next 40 years would be lovely. Not to complete me but to enrich my life. I am ready now for that commitment.

Thanks Hopeful - your words meant a lot.

And as you say. Ms Mirror's site is about finding oneself as opposed to finding a man. I know you are on this path... and all the answers we need are all within in us. We just need to listen out for them they are so subtle.

Best Wishes
Lottie x

Fire & Water said...

"And I think the longer you stay single the better the partner who will come into your life be (my personal belief)."
Hopeful,
Thank you so much for sharing this ^ - what a beautiful and inspiring idea! I hope you are right ;)...and also thank you for the positive thoughts and encouragement above on 4/1. I really appreciate it! The Universe seems to be nudging me that way and I am trying to reconcile having a positive outlook with holding on to the lessons I need to keep hold of - because I have found in the past that sometimes going forward joyfully also coincides with me repeating mistakes. It's a balance, I guess ..and, like all balancing, takes practice.
Thank you again...best wishes to you and to all!
F & W

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous and Lottie,

re "And I think the longer you stay single the better the partner who will come into your life be" - I would say this. Yes and no. Is staying single superior to being with the wrong person? Absolutely. However, staying single in and of itself *does not* attraction a better person. What it does is give you the space to reflect on your past choices, to understand your motivations, where you sabotage yourself etc...It gives you space to get clear on what you want. It gives you space to build your life so that you are in a good place to attract a good partner and to be ready when he is ready and you meet. But being single and just hoping that a good partner will arrive is a fantasy. I firmly believe you have got to be doing internal work in order for that to manifest in your life.

Fire & Water said...

@ Anon 4/25/17 @ 3:55
I agree that doing work while being single helps you be happier and increases your chances of continuing to be happy if/when you meet the right partner. But, by the same token, I don't think that being single necessarily means that you haven't done enough internal work, that if you can just become the most amazing version of yourself, then a partner will manifest. That edge of the concept can be very hurtful to single women. You can have done tons of work, be in a great place personally and still be single, both by choice and by circumstance. Conversely, several of my friends will straight up say they have internal work left to do and yet they are in solid, committed relationships.
Fire & Water

Anonymous said...

@Fire & Water - I agree TOTALLY!

Anonymous said...

I went on a date with a taurus guy, he totally seemed memorized. I massaged him a few days later to wish him a happy birthday. He responded. Then I messaged him to see how his big project at work went. Amazing. He acted so excited to hear from me and tell me. Then he asked if I was home. Yes. No reply. I have waited a week and a half. Nothing. Should I just leave it?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 2, at 2:08 PM,
"I have waited a week and a half. Nothing. Should I just leave it?"

I would just leave it. If you have to continually remind a man that you exist - his lack of action is telling you that he's not the RIGHT man for you ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Mirror and everybody
I owe you a follow-up concerning the older man I wrote about above. As you know, we had a few pleasant phone conversations and finally (after making me wait and stew a bit - a red flag) he asked me out. I said yes and went... We both were on time and met in front of a place (restaurant bar) he had suggested. It´s quite a normal place although mainly for men but unfortunately, when we came there, there was a fight! Literally - some young men were fighting and it wasn´t a nice view. So he said that we had to go somewhere else and I responded I would prefer a cafě. He sharply answered that he was not going to a café because he wanted some beer (what a gentlemanLOL). So we went to the nearest pub where he ordered a beer for himself and wanted me to have some too. I ordered a coffee instead. Well, that was only a beginning. Only after we sat down did I notice that he must have been drinking before or rather, he had a serious hangover (that´s why he urgently needed some alcohol). Not only that. He looked bad and I am almost sure he is a heavy drinker. As we were sitting over our beverages, he was constantly rubbing his face as if he was trying not to fall asleep. I have no idea whether he liked me or not because he didn´t even look me in the face properly. I am afraid he wasn´t in his right mind. We had some conversation but his responses were strange and at times he was irritated and unpleasant. My conclusion: He is an alcoholic who is looking for a drinking buddy. I think he lied to me about most things because he is deluded by alcohol. We parted and I haven´t heard from him since apart from "laughter" which he sent to me on the mobile two day later. No message only laughter. I am wondering whether he was laughing at himself or me (?). Both, probably.
Well, that was my experience with the older man. I just wanted to tell you that in many cases when we worry why he disappeared or did this or that the real reason doesn´t necessarily have anything to do with us. This man when he first asked me out wanted me to jump to his invite. I thought he was a spoilt player but in reality he was probably planning not to drink on that day and drive to my town (which he is most probably incapable of most other days). I am sorry for him but I can´t help him.
I wish you all the best and take care:-),
Hopeful

Gem50 said...

@ Hopeful,
Keep moving forward.
NEXT! :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
"We parted and I haven´t heard from him since apart from "laughter" which he sent to me on the mobile two day later. No message only laughter. I am wondering whether he was laughing at himself or me (?). Both, probably."

At this point, I think it's safe to assume he's a heavy drinker that probably doesn't even remember sending that. Or it was a prank meant to get you to contact him to question what the hell that was about.

Any grown man who thinks this behavior in a potential mate is impressive to a woman needs his damn head examined.

And now - we're all laughing. . .AT HIM.

"when we worry why he disappeared or did this or that the real reason doesn´t necessarily have anything to do with us"

Nine times out of ten, it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with you -- it's a reflection of the man himself.

It's a reflection that women need to pay very close attention to. Which is why when a man disappears on you, you already know right then and there that he's likely not worth any more of your time and attention (because something is clearly going on in his world that's causing him to become unstable and behave so erratically and irresponsibly).

Don't waste your time worry and fretting over the man who disappears on you. Instead, send them some love and light. . .and simply keep moving forward.

Anonymous said...

@Mirror and Gem
I agree. The best is to laugh and move on. Next. And Mirror, I think you are right that when he sent the laughter he most probably didn´t fully realise what he was doing and since then he has 10 times forgotten about it. There was a red flag when he phoned me tipsy but I can´t have known he is a heavy drinker. By the way, the photo he had sent me must have been from a few years ago and he looked completely different. I was looking at him over the coffee studying his face carefully in an effort to find some resemblance with the photo but it was almost impossible. That´s what alcoholism can do to people. On the phone he sounded nice but it was not real him. I am sincerely sorry for him, it´s a pity that he is so run down but of course, I can´t do anything.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement:-). Have a nice day,
Hopeful

Anonymous said...

@Mirror, Ladies
I have an unbelievable follow-up for you regarding the older man. As I wrote above, I haven´t heard from him since our "date" apart from laughter he sent me on the mobile. I thought I would never come in contact with him again. On weekdays I often go for lunch to a restaurant next to a fruit and vegetable market in the centre of our city. The other day I went there as usual. After lunch I was walking across the market between the stalls to get to the other side and out. The market is really big, like a maze, there are tens of stalls and aisles and I was hurrying not to be late for work. When I finally walked out of the actual market onto the adjacent little street I literally bumped into a man pushing a wheelchair with an old woman. Guess who it wasLOL. The alcoholic! He had apparently seen me first and blocked my way with the wheelchair. He greeted me politely, his eyes sparkling with laughter. He was sober, smiling, in a good mood, far from the worn-out man I had met before, actually, he looked so much better that I could hardly recognise him. He asked me a few questions about my day, I answered like a schoolgirl to a teacher, he said bye and we parted. I was so surprised that I must have looked awkawrd and funny, I just couldn´t absorb the fact that I met him there. Unbelieveble coincidence: He is from a different city plus it was a weekday (he usually comes to my city at weekends (and only rarely) plus the market is very big and crowded and if I had taken a different aisle between the stalls or the same aisle but a minute or two later we would never have seen each other!
As for the man, I am not much wiser. He is an enigma, really. At least I now know that he wasn´t lying about his mom. My impression is that before we first met he must have reckoned that he was going to meet an "easy" woman so he didn´t bother to make an impression on me and when we met he understood I wasn´t a type to play with in that way so he disappeared. So after all, he behaved relatively (only relatively) correctly, definitely better that the men who played with my emotions and tangled a carrot (I can´t bear those types).
I am still flabbergasted by the coincidence, so much so that I am not thinking about the man himself and whether he is interested, etc. (which is huge progress in my caseLOL).
I hope you all are fine. I just wanted to share this with you. Have a nice end of the week, Hopeful

Fire & Water said...

Hopeful,
That is an incredible coincidence! Sometimes the Universe has ways of reminding us that the Cosmic Mind does indeed have a sense of humor :)It's great that you are able to take away the lesson of letting go easily and just laughing this crazy situation off :)...and just think - what a fantastic story you now have to entertain your friends (and us ;))with!
Have a wonderful weekend (or week, depending on when you see this).
Best wishes!
F & W

Anonymous said...

@Fire and Water
It was really a strange experience. I´d heard and read about similar coincidences before but never actually experienced one. And you won´t believe it but there was yet another coincidence related to this situation - the day before I bumped into him at the market I had read a story about a similar meeting of two people in a book! I read it and thought: Okay, interesting but highly improbable. I am not joking, reallyLOL. There are people who claim that there are no accidents, that everything has a meaning so after we bumped into each other and parted I thought perhaps it was a sign he might contact me but now I look at it the way you see it - a lesson in letting go (my Achilles´ heel). I don´t know if you have ever experienced a similar situation but I must say that it was really weird and even though I might never meet the man again, I am sure I will never forget himLOL.
Have a nice weekend and take care,
Hopeful

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I met this Taurus guy online and we became friends. I'm in Asia and he's currently in Saudi Arabia. We hit it off easily. he said he's single and has a good job. I lost my job recently and bills are piling up. One time, he asked how I am and so I said kinda stressed and so he asked why. I opened up to him and he offered to help. I accepted his offer because i really needed it. We decided to go exclusive after a few days. And even if it's just online. I stopped corresponding w/ other men. Our communication was going well and it has become sexual too in the sense we'd send messages to each other and he'd ask me to send sexy photos of me. i know it's stupid but i still sent it to him. we'd say i love u to each other, he was very sweet. he said i'm gonna be his last. He said he wants to see me in Dubai after 2 months and he'll shoulder everything. He said he's gonna support me financially and doesn't want me to work anymore. i said yes because that'll be more convenient for me, plus if we'll see each other after a few months, i can leave anytime without having to worry about seeking permission from an employer. But there's a part of me that feels by allowing myself not to work and just rely on him, i will just be dependent on him. one time, i told him, i want to work because the money he sent before was really not enough. so he got mad. he said, i am being impatient. that he's just having a problem with his card because he's new in Saudi Arabia and he wants to send money to me via bank transfer but because of the problem with his card, he has to send a small amount via Western Union. he quoted a figure that i'll receive each month and that amount is way bigger than what I used to get before. and he said if i am impatient, i can go look for a job but he will not send money anymore. so i got torn and went along with what he wanted -- that i will not work. last week in the middle of our chat, he got disconnected and i got a message from him saying his data is having a problem. the following day he said he found out the problem is with his Samsung phone. for 4 days i've been sending him video recording of me. sending him text messages. email and chat messages so at least he knows i'm thinking of him. after 4 days, he sent me a text message saying he was able to fix it. we started chatting again. he said he loved all the emails i sent him during the time he was a having a problem with his phone. then this week, the same day we lost communication last week, he only said he needs to charge his phone and get back to me. but he didn't get back to me anymore. he called me up the following day but since he's having a problem with his phone we couldn't hear each other. i sent him messages in chat hoping he'd be able to read them when he gets online and 2 text messages. i even tried calling his phone but no response at all. that's like 2 days now. and i read about your post not to make contact when he pulls back. i feel he's pulling back for reasons i do not know. i feel that with today's technology, he'd find a way to at least send an email or a text message to me. he still hasn't sent the money he promised. although he said it'd be in a day, week or a month so i'm giving myself another week. it will be one month of waiting next week. am thinking if i don't hear from him, i'd start looking for work. i really want it to work between us and i so want to hold on to what he's telling me that we'll be together. but i am confused if i am just a plan B since we're too far apart and our communication is not going well lately. considering it's Ramadan, he's supposed to have more time since it's less work hours.

Btw, our relationship is running 2 months next month.

Thank you in advance.

Confused Sagi Asian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Confused Sagi Asian,
No one can take care of you as good as you can take care of yourself.

Sure, he can send money and make your life APPEAR to be easier -- but in reality, accepting that money only OBLIGATES you to him. Thereby, actually only making your life more COMPLEX.

Fire & Water said...

@Hopeful,
Wow! That is amazing, especially coming after you read the story about that type of occurrence! I have had a meeting happen with someone who was in a similar group of friends to myself...someone I had accidentally offended, apologized to at the time, but who still walked away with some obvious bad feelings. I had - at odd moments - sort of wished I had been able to let the person know I wished them nothing but the best and - very much out the blue - they happened to be at a place I went to drop off a donation. It was surprising and very karmic and I'm glad I had the opportunity...but it was nowhere near as oddly coincidental as what you describe.
I also agree that sometimes - even when you know the Universe is making a very clear point to you - it can be tough to know what exactly that point is. I often struggle with interpretation. I think you're spot on about the lesson here - and I think many times, when we correctly understand the lesson, we get to move on to something new, so I hope that happens for you!
Happy weekend to you also!
F & W

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
how are you? Recently I haven´t written to you because this summer I have interrupted my online dating activities and devoted my energy and time to... m y s e l f . That´s the underlying advice of actually all your posts and finally I took it to my heart 100% per cent. And I think it has brought its fruit because something has shifted in my thinking and feeling about myself and the world and now I am really starting to know what self-love is. Not in theory but in practice. It goes hand in hand with giving up on meeting the right one. I have given up on this dream. It doesn´t mean that I won´t date again or refuse men but on the whole, I am okay with being single. Maybe this state will change again but for the time being I guess I have accepted not ever meeting the Man (because so far I have stuck to the hope of meeting him). So that´t new for me.

Anyway, after about 3 months I signed in to my dating profile again and found two (! - not too many, right?LOL) emails from new men. They were decently written so I replied to both. With one of the men we have started an equal exchange (leading nowhere presumably) but the other one has started fine but after I replied he wrote very long mails to which I replied with only a few sentences but he again wrote long e-mails, almost biographies... He is decent, I understand him, he has difficult circumstances, I would help him if I could but... I can´t make myself give him my number and meet him. He is very needy and I don´t feel like going there... My question is: As he is one of the very few guys I met online who were really decent and sensitive and serious about dating(at least in correspondence) I don´t know how to politely refuse his advances. He has written four very long emails so I can´t just disappear without a trace. What to write to him, Mirror? I could write that I am looking for someone different or something along those lines, but I consider it rude after him revealing his soul to me. What would you do? (He has financial problems, long-term health problems, work-related problems but what I didn´t like most was that he wrote about his ex - he seems to be honest and sincere but it put me off and I already feel responsible for making him happy which makes me run, run, run...).

Thank you in advance for your suggestions. Hopeful:-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
"I think it has brought its fruit because something has shifted in my thinking and feeling about myself and the world and now I am really starting to know what self-love is."

Good for YOU dear! This is the first step of many on your life's path :-)

"It goes hand in hand with giving up on meeting the right one. I have given up on this dream."

It's not about giving up on meeting the right man. In time, that will come.

It's about giving up on meeting a man with the EXPECTATIONS THAT HE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH YOUR HAPPINESS. You need to be happy and content with yourself FIRST, before your energy can draw the right man back to you, that's equally happy and content with himself.

Thus, the two create one happy, healthy "whole." Does that make sense?

Without realizing it, often as women we subconsciously expect that once we meet a man, we'll be happy. In essence, this signals that we're expecting HIM and his presence in our lives to provide us with our happiness. And that's a mistake.

As women, we should be content with ourselves and our lives prior to meeting a man. When that's the case, the man ADDS to your happiness (he is not expected to BE our happiness). And THAT is what makes us feel whole and fulfilled. When we expect the man to provide us with our happiness, and then something goes wrong and the relationship doesn't work out, we are devastated.

Why?

Because we placed too many of our expectations for happiness onto the man. We weren't happy or content with ourselves outside of him. We placed all those expectations onto him. And when he left, we were left with nothing - no happiness to fall back on - and that only exacerbates the disappointment to levels of devastation.

"As he is one of the very few guys I met online who were really decent and sensitive and serious about dating(at least in correspondence) I don´t know how to politely refuse his advances. He has written four very long emails so I can´t just disappear without a trace. What to write to him, Mirror?"

Don't explain yourself to him. That will only complicate matters, make him feel bad about himself, and give him the opportunity to start trying to "convince" you that you're wrong.

"I could write that I am looking for someone different or something along those lines, but I consider it rude after him revealing his soul to me. What would you do?"

I would likely kindly explain what a great man I think he is. I would express how much I've enjoyed our conversations (even if this is a fib). And I would inform him that I've actually met someone, and that I'd like to see where it goes. I would then wish him all the best, offer my friendship if need be.

This handles his ego gently, and simply makes it appear as if it's simply timing that's the issue (and not him as a man).

I understand it may seem counterproductive to "fib" to someone like that. But in certain circumstances, white lies can actually be what's needed to handle a situation with dignity and grace. If this man is suffering emotionally, the last thing on earth you want to be responsible for is more pain in this man's life, delivered by a big blow to his ego, ya' know? It's best to handle the situation gently.

"I already feel responsible for making him happy which makes me run, run, run..."

LOL - now you know how men feel when they meet women that rely on them to provide their happiness for them ;-) Again, emphasizing the importance for self-love, contentment and happiness to exist BEFORE meeting a man.

If that means time off from dating to tend to oneself, then so be it. We must get right with ourselves first, before we can be right for someone else ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Mirror
Thank you for your reply. I am glad to be in touch with you again after a while:-). How are you? Hopefully, all is fine with you.

As for looking for a man to find happiness - actually, as you might remember, I have been single most of my life and thought I was quite happy on my own. Then about 5 years ago I started "looking". I thought I was ready. However, I met or chose the men who made me unhappy (again). I am very grateful for your invaluable advice in this period - you saved me from much suffering.:-) However, I don´t regret my online dating experience because it has brought me where I am now. I guess I finally "got it". The idea of self-love or being happy on your own is so subtle to internalise but once you get it you are somewhere else.

As for this guy, thank you for your recommendation, I am going to write back to him straightaway. And as you write, we women can see from this example how it feels when we are needy. I think the best word to describe it is frightening. So if a man runs in such a case, it´s no wonder.

Mirror, thank you again very much. Have a nice day and take care:-)
Hopeful

Anonymous said...

P.s.:
Mirror,
I wrote to him what you suggested and it was unbelievably successful. He wrote back a very long email that he is sorry about the refusal but happy at the same time that he had a chance to meet such a wonderful, honest and understanding woman. He wished me good luck with the other man and even gave me advice to test him as soon as possible to protect myself from a jerk . He suggested that I should make him angry and see his response. He seemed that he had forgotten that he had been dumped, which is good:-)

Well, I almost never test men but perhaps I should....? Also, I don´t often massage a man´s ego (just because) so maybe it would be a good idea to become better at it because as we can see it does wondersLOL.

Thank you again, Mirror, you always make my day.:-)
Hopeful

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
I'm glad that worked :-)

In this case, I think it was necessary given the situation and the fact that this man was actually very attentive and nice to you.

The jerks however don't deserve a massage LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

@MOA... so I have been talking to this man and he mentioned something along the lines of a woman controlling how a dating and/or relationship goes/flows; pace of the relationship. So I'm trying to figure this out and wondering if you could help me? what does this mean? How can I start taking control of myself and the pace of how a dating and/or relationship goes?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 11, 2:05 PM,
"he mentioned something along the lines of a woman controlling how a dating and/or relationship goes/flows; pace of the relationship. . .what does this mean?"

It means that he acknowledges that the woman holds power over these things in a budding relationship. If she's not ready to sleep with the man yet, she has the power to slow things down. Or if she just wants to be friends with the man, she has the power to make that choice.

A woman's power lies in "choice."

She can choose to submit to a man's lead and follow him, or she can choose not to and move on to another. She determines the pace of the relationship by determining what she's comfortable with - if she's comfortable she'll speed things up, if she's not she'll slow things down.

It's a comment that refers to the fact that women are not helpless or voiceless in a relationship -- unless they choose to be. And a real gentleman knows this, respects this, and is willing to move at the woman's pace.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Have been getting to know this guy over the last month, so you could say we are dating. Nothing sexual has happened and I like it that way. Seems to me he is the cautious type so I think he is okay with it.

One thing that bothers me is ... he complaints a lot about people in his life. Not on every occasion, but I don't know what he expects me to do about these problems. I sit there and listen patiently but after a while I feel a bit exhausted. He also thinks people take advantage of him because he does stuff for free, like fixing things or doing some minor renovations. He speaks about helping a woman who "has no money" complains she has to go look after the baby. Not sure what to make of it. He helps other people too and generally appears to be a very helpful guy.

I am wondering if all of this is a red flag I should be concerned about.

Lisa


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lisa,
"I am wondering if all of this is a red flag I should be concerned about."

Well, if what he's saying is true, the good news is that he sounds like a good guy. The bad news is that he sounds like a good guy with possibly very little time to invest into building a relationship with a good woman.

"he complaints a lot about people in his life. Not on every occasion, but I don't know what he expects me to do about these problems."

Provoke his thoughts and make him THINK - empower him to take accountability and responsibility for his own actions and decisions, instead of permitting him to view himself as a helpless victim to these people.

When he says, "I have to go help this woman who has no money while she looks after a baby." You can say something like, "That's very kind of you to choose to make the decision to devote large amounts of your time to others like that."

A response along those lines signals to him that he 1) has a CHOICE in the matter and 2) the DECISION to do so is his and his alone - he's not a powerless victim in the situation.

Repeated responses along those lines remove the "Whoa is me" aspect he's portraying.

"I don't know what he expects me to do about these problems."

He may be playing on your sympathies here, so be mindful of that. And to show support, yet remove the "victim" aspect, state responses along the lines of the one I shared above.

Again, doing so repeatedly signals to him that he's not a powerless victim in the situation, and he should take accountability and responsibility for the decisions he's making for himself - or set some healthy boundaries that prevent people from taking advantage of him instead.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I’ve been casually dating this man for about five months. Recently, I dumped him because he kept dissapearing on me and was pulling back because I admit I was pressuring him to do more for me.

We matched again on a site and he asked for my information again. I’m trying to make him start from scratch as you said above. The last time we talked I didn’t respond to one of his texts, partly because he didn’t say much I could respond to, and since then I haven’t heard from him.

What do I do? I want to give him another chance but he’s dissapearing all over again which he knows gets to me and this time I didn’t do any pressuring. Is he doing this because I didn’t respond to him and made him feel insecure? Is there anything I can do to encourage him without looking like I’m pursuing?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 12, 9:17 PM,
"What do I do? I want to give him another chance but he’s disappearing all over again which he knows gets to me and this time I didn’t do any pressuring."

You do - nothing.

Other than accept that this wasn't meant to be. And that he is who he is, and he's not the right man for you. He's not the man that can fulfill your needs.

"Is he doing this because I didn’t respond to him and made him feel insecure?"

It doesn't matter why he's doing this. He's done it before, and he's doing it again. That's all that matters, and that's all you need to know.

If he's doing it because he's insecure, that doesn't make it any better. Any way you slice it, this man is not treating you right and thereby he's proved to you - twice now - that he's not the right man for you.

He's not up to the task at hand.

"Is there anything I can do to encourage him without looking like I’m pursuing?"

Encourage him to do what - come around again, so that he can disappear again?

It's not worth it. This was his second chance, and he's failed you again. So why bother giving him a 3rd chance to disappoint you?

Accept that there's a man out there for you, and this guy isn't it.

Free yourself up so that when the right man comes along, you're available to him :-)

Don't waste your time, or the best years of your life, on some fool that is unable to appreciate the opportunity at hand, and your value as a woman.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Thank you very much for your time and response. I will think about what you said and move forward with dignity.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,

I’ve been talking to this guy I met recently and while texting him I let him know I’d be open to getting together sometime soon. He said that it sounded good to him and ever since we haven’t been talking.

I have a feeling he’s waiting for something but I’m not sure if he’s waiting for me to give him another opening like suggesting a few days or if he’s just busy because it’s a busy time of year.

So far I’ve chosen to wait him out because I think I made my point pretty clear and am signilaing to him that I’m not going to do the heavy lifting in setting anything up.

Please let me know your thoughts?

Thanks!

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