"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Dating: What Does It Mean When He . . .

Whoever said that dating was fun obviously isn’t dating in today’s modern age. Let’s face it, men and women are both behaving badly, treating each other poorly and manipulating one another’s emotions. Have a look at the hundreds of comments left on “Experiences With A Taurus Male” and you’ll see how prevalent this behavior has become. Granted, those are women sharing their experiences, however to be fair, men are experiencing a lot of this as well.

Do you find yourself, much like Alice In Wonderland, attempting to peer into (or jump through) the looking glass, desperate for answers, while the man in your life seems to care less?

I get a lot of questions posed to me from the post referenced above. And most of them are women attempting to decipher a man’s peculiar behavior. But what most women don’t realize is that this behavior generally isn’t peculiar at all – it’s more or less reality – fact. And once you come to understand what this behavior means and why it’s happening, you can see the player, the mama’s boy, the opportunist, the liar and the cheat coming at you from 100 miles away.

When men behave peculiar towards women, women have a tendency to blame themselves. “What did I do?” “Should I not have said this?” “If only I didn’t . . .” And I’m here to tell you to stop all of this at once. A man’s peculiar behavior generally has very little to do with you and more to do with him.

Here’s the question to keep in mind as you read the items below:

“What does it mean when he . . .”

Asks For A Commitment Too Soon

This generally means he’ll vanish as quickly as he appeared. This is not Prince Charming gals, this is a man waving a giant red flag in your face. Chances are he’s insecure, needy and suffers low self-esteem. He’s learned, through a series of painful mishaps, that it’s much easier to pretend to want the real deal than it is to do the work necessary to create a real relationship.

This guy is insincere and he’s not genuine. How could he be? How can anyone be with someone they really haven’t had to the time to fully get to know? He wants to hurry this process along so he can get in and get out just as quickly.

BEWARE: He'll compliment you, he'll act as if he's really interested, he'll communicate regularly and with gusto in the early stages and he'll come on very strong at first, speeding things right along.

So fast that you'll never see it coming. It’s the ole “sweep her off her feet” method . . . that generally ends with him dumping you on your ass. This guy is emotionally immature and lacks the social skills necessary to interact in a genuine manner – so he fakes it. Be very leary of the man who is all too ready to commit.

Takes My Number, Gives Me His, And Doesn't Call

I see this one alot because too many women are the pursuer these days and it has led to a whole new generation of lazy men when it comes to dating. Stop being your own worst enemies, ladies!

You want a man to woo you and treat you like a lady, yet, many of you chase him like a man (exhibit masculine energy), which keeps him from lifting a finger for you - stop this! Make a man rise up to the challenge, never call a man first, ever.

If you give a guy your number and he can't man up and ring your phone - move on, it's a big red flag. He's either not into you (but if you call him, he'll still sleep with you before moving on) or this one has a sense of entitlement and he's waiting for you to do all the work; he's seeking a needy woman (to walk all over). He's wanting you to be the pursuer. Don't pursue or you'll end up his doormat. At the very least, a man should always make the first phone call and ask for/plan the first few dates and if he really likes you, he'll be excited to do so. It's ok to make the first move initially by showing him interest in a subtle way (a smile, a wink, starting conversation with him) but never be the one to make the first real move towards him. He'll instantly label you as desperate and he'll never ring your phone, rather, he'll sit back and wait for you to come to him - always.

How you go about the first few conversations and the first few dates determines ALL future interaction and sets the tone for the relationship from that point forward. If you start out as the pursuer, he'll take the role of the pursued - and he'll never put an ounce into you or the relationship.

Calls Me Babe, Honey or Dear Right Away

This is someone who is easily able to be insincere. If you’ve just met and you’re already his “babe” then this one’s a charmer - player. He knows how to manipulate a woman via her emotions and he will generally do so across the board (i.e. with waitresses, with you, with female friends, with your friends – any woman standing within 5 feet of him.) Some men don’t mean to use this as a tactic of sorts as they generally just refer to women in this manner all the time. The thing you need to focus on here is that these terms of endearment are only really genuinely felt by him when the relationship itself becomes genuine. So if you’ve been dating a week or two and you’re already his babe – you should take that with a grain of salt. Don’t believe you’re actually his babe because if you notice, so are all of the other women he’s in contact with. He’s a schmoozer and seven out of ten times, he’s a loser as well. Don’t read anything more into it.

Ignores My Calls and Texts For Hours or Days

This one is a bit trickier but there are ways to break this behavior down into its true meaning. If he does this on rare occasions and then apologizes or acknowledges his lapse upon his return, he’s probably a good guy who was just busy, cut him a break. If he does this repeatedly and is unapologetic about it upon his return, chances are he’s hiding something. It doesn’t have to be another woman, it can be drug use, alcoholism, a boys nights out and the like. The difference here is the apology. Men know when they are behaving ignorantly and a man that really likes you will feel bad about it and apologize. A man who doesn’t have genuine feelings for you will feel he doesn’t have to answer to you. If a guy does this repeatedly and also apologizes for it repeatedly, yet does it again and again, chances are he’s a flake who will drive you mad. The only time you should be tolerating a man ignoring calls and texts is in the first example listed here. If the other two seem more akin to your situation, you’re better off disappearing off his radar for good. And if you do that, do it without an explanation or a quarrel – just disappear. Never treat someone like you’re priority while they’re treating you like their option.

Doesn’t Explain Why He’s Ignored Me

This guys is a shady individual at best and when someone acts shady, there’s one of two things generally happening. 1.) He’s hiding something 2.) He doesn’t feel he has to answer to you. Neither of which are signs of a genuine budding relationship. A true gentleman has nothing to hide and should have no problem communicating or openly sharing what he’s been doing the last week or so with you. Now if you’re tearing into him about where he’s been, you could be the reason he’s shutting down on you so don’t do that. But if you mention casually, just as you would with friends, “Hey, whatcha’ been up to?” and he bulks, gets fidgety, begins to look away, acts nervous or stammers with “Um, oh I. . . ahh. . .” – you have your answer. And don’t press for more here because you really don’t want to know the truth, trust me.

Says He Needs Space and/or Isn’t Looking For a Commitment

He’s not into this. It doesn’t mean all hope is lost, it simply means he’s not there yet. When a man pulls this once, you can overlook it and deal with it by – disappearing. This is where you employ the “no contact rule" of dating and you become scarce to him. If you push by texting, calling, etc. you’ll make his decision for him. If you exercise restraint and give him space and fall off the face of the earth, he’ll begin to question his decision and you’ll actually be prompting him to make a healthy one by providing plenty of space and room for him to breath. You’ll also be much more desirable in his eyes by appearing to be an independent, not co-dependent, woman.

Says He Wants to be With Me But Doesn’t Make Time For Me

He’s stringing you along. A man who genuinely likes you will not behave like this because he doesn’t want to lose you and because he actually WANTS to spend time with you. When a guy’s words do not align with his actions, it’s a big red flag that he’s bullshitting you. The best way to deal with this chap is to again, fall off the face of the earth. The next time he calls, he’ll go to voicemail and the next time he texts, he gets no response. Period.

Doesn’t Want To Spend His Weekends With Me

If this happens in the early stages, then that’s a bit normal. People like to move into committed situations slowly while maintaining some healthy independence. However, if it’s the third or fourth month you’ve been dating and this is still happening, then this is the guy who wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. This one always reeks of control issues to me. He wants you – but only when HE wants you. He’s going to control this thing from beginning to end and it’s his way or the highway. You don’t have time to sit around waiting for this fool to see the light. If he wants to hang out with his boys at a “sausage” party (a room full of men) rather than spend time with a hot girl he’s dating, then ladies, shove him off to the ole sausage party with a bag of buns instead. He’ll never be the man you want him to be and you’ll always be playing second fiddle to his selfishness, control and ego.

Was Dumped By Me and Wants Me Back

Many times, I’ve found that this one means he’s had time to think and he came to the conclusion that he may have been a real jerk. That’s not always the case, many circle round simply for sex and you’ll need to ferret that out by making him wait for that upon his return until he’s proved he’s genuinely sorry and has seen the error of his ways.

See, when you back off and give men time to think and you initiate “no contact” as a result of their bad behavior or ignorant treatment of you a funny thing happens – they come to the same conclusion that you did – that they were a real jackass.

Men are human and they have emotions and they know when they’re behaving badly. You can let this one back into your life, but you DO NOT pick up right where you left off with this guy.

With this one – you make him START ALL OVER from square one. A man that genuinely likes you will be grateful for your compassion of him and he will know that he has to start over and that’s exactly what he’ll do. You treat this one as if you’ve just met all over again. He takes you to dinners, he waits for a one to two month minimum for sex , he makes phone calls and sends texts all in a timely manner to communicate with you – anything short of that and you throw this one right back into the pond.

Dumped Me and Wants Me to Take Him Back

This one is the one you really need to watch out for. Unlike the situation above, he did the dumping. If he’s already had sex with you prior to the dump, then nine times out of ten, he’s suffering a dry spell and it’s your turn in the rotation of women he has. You do the same with this one as I suggested above in the scenario where you dumped him. You make him start from scratch. No exceptions with this one – from scratch, gals. If he bails on you a week or two into it, he was back for sex and you dodged a bullet here. If you take him back with open arms and shower him with attention, you will be initiating the disappearing, reappearing man syndrome.

Doesn’t Talk About What He’s Been Doing When We’re Not Together

If you’re not tearing into him about what he’s been doing and he’s acting distant none-the-less, then that’s a red flag. He doesn’t want to talk about what he’s been doing because he feels it’s none of your business and he knows you wouldn’t approve. A true gentleman wants to share his life with you. A shady player does not. Even if the shady player has simply been hanging out with his boys, he feels it’s none of your business. This is a sign to you that he’s emotionally unavailable – run.

Doesn’t Apologize For Being Rude or Ignorant

He doesn’t feel he has to answer to you and he’s not sorry because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong because he feels it’s none of your business anyway. Not a good sign, gals. He’s not worried about losing you – and you shouldn’t be worried about losing him either. It’s time to leave this one high and dry. He’s disrespecting you.

Acts Distant and Starts To Pull Back

This one may have something to do with you. Have you been pressuring him? Poking around about how he feels about you? Poking around about where you stand with him? When a guy pulls back and becomes distant sometimes it’s not because he’s cheating. Sometimes, it’s because he feels smothered. However, there are times when a relationship is just over. Either way, the best thing to do when encountered with this situation is to follow the advice listed here.

Speaks to His Ex Girlfriend(s)

This is a hard one that requires a bit of observation over time. Many times, when people have been involved with one another for a long period of time, it’s hard to just simply cut them out of your life. But then again, I believe that in these situations, one of them wants to be more than just friends. Here’s how I look at this, if they broke up years ago and they only touch base every so often to catch up, then it’s probably over and they’re simply remaining civil with one another. However, if the breakup was fresh (a year or less) and they’re confiding in one another, sharing problems with one another and in constant contact with one another, then they’re still in a relationship of sorts in my opinion. It’s one thing to remain civil and friendly towards and ex, it’s a whole other issue when they’re still connected in intimate ways and sharing intimate portions of their life with one another and leaning on each other still. And if that’s the case, you remove yourself from the equation. No one wants to be caught up in a painful love triangle and it’s hard to compete with an ex that there are still deep feelings for – so don’t bother doing it.

Only Call or Texts After 10 PM At Night

This is getting into booty call territory (especially after 11PM and onward) and chances are, you’re a woman in his rotation of several. There are times when a man’s work or job occupation may come into play here, in which case, that’s acceptable. But if he’s not giving you quality time and he could be, that should read to you that you aren’t a quality woman to him, you’re just another fish in the barrel. Don’t take those calls and don’t answer those texts. You get back to him the next day or a day or two later and you don’t offer an explanation as to why you weren’t available at that hour. You let him think about that one. And if you do this and he responds after 10PM again and doesn’t give you quality time during the peak hours of his day – then be gone booty master. You’ll never be important to him and he’s showing you that.

He Doesn’t Ask Questions: Where You’ve Been, What You’ve Been Doing and About You

This is somewhat obvious but one of the best ways to spot an insincere player. He doesn’t ask because, frankly, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what you’ve been up to, who you’ve been with or to know anything about you. A man who genuinely cares will show you. He WANTS to know what you’ve been up to, who you’ve been spending time with and he wants to know about where you grew up, how many brothers and sisters you have, etc. If he’s not asking, he simply doesn’t care – and neither should YOU.

A Little Inspiration

Ladies, dating is tough and it takes it's toll. I think this lil diddy is appropriate. Keep your chin up and don't worry about the fools in life:

"When you gonna realize, that you don't even have to try any longer. Do what you want to. . ."

And for any men reading this, guys, it works both ways. If you’re experiencing any of the above from the women in your life or the girl of your dreams, then you want to follow the same advice listed here for women. Tolerating disrespectful, ignorant abuse and treatment from someone is nothing anyone should be doing – man or woman.

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AnonWoman said...

Hi Mirror,

Yes it's the thinking and uncertainty that causes the person to become attached right?

I sometimes wonder, if was the uncertainty, and the psychology of that, and my ex being in control for the latter part, is what has made me attached to him. (still).

I know he didn't manipulate me, but, what he has done and the way I reacted to it by pushing forward, being available and being concerned rather than pulling back, is like the book 'How to make anyone fall in love with you'.....because he was hot, hot, hot for weeks, then did the disappearing act and was being uncertain and the one making the decisions .

Having now read that book, i read men have known women have deliberately done that to them, but they don't care, but because the woman loves them and as a result the man is madly in love with her.

I feel on the other foot with it - the back foot.

I would never have done it before, because I would be scared it might back fire, but in actual fact it's incredible it's power (should only be used for good....to protect yourself and make him think - this is good and gives the man and woman free will and choice).

When I think back when I wasn't in to a man at some point in the relationship too and I created uncertainity, he was ALL of me. So I can't believe I have been suckered into it myself. It's hard to release yourself from it as my other post yesterday said whatwith him looking at my profile online.

It's scary if used wrongly but incredibly powerful and lovely, if the person ticks all the other boxes that someone is looking for.

anu said...

ih mirror
i have been meaning to ask u something
i have a male scorpian friend wid whom i have a very good chemistry. At first he had shown some interest in me and we have since been talking on a good terms. We also went on an informal date where we kissed and he later on really appriciated it.
Recently he told me about this girl he used to like and how they cud not b together, otherwise he is a very discreet person, and since then i have noticed that he is talking to me less, not returning my calls and texts, and cancelling meets and all. So even i stopped calling and texting him.
It bothered me but i didnt showed anything and still treated him as a friend. But this is not like him.
Its feels like he is wilfully avoiding me on purpose.
This whole thing took place in a span of 2 months.
I wud like to know what is he trying to do?
Is he interested or i am being too thoughtful?
Eventhough we r just friends, what does he want to show?
Plz guide..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I believe he is pulling back due to the fact that you began to pursue him. When a woman takes on the man's role (leading, chasing, pursuing) she begins to exhibit masculine energy by doing so. It's the man's job to pursue the woman and the relationship and when a woman reverses that role and begins to behave as the man should, this causes men to put the brakes on and begin to reverse out of the situation.

The only way a woman knows if a man is genuinely interested or not is if he pursues her. When a woman doesn't give the man a chance to do that, men tend to flee the situation and the woman becomes confused (because she doesn't know if the man really likes her or not because it's HER doing all of the pursuing and not HIM).

A man should be calling you, a man should be texting you and a man should be asking you out on dates and moving the relationship forward. When a woman doesn't let a man be a man, he tends to back out of the situation.

So what he's doing here is showing you that he doesn't like your pursuit of him. You're not letting him be the man in the situation and your pursuit of him is making him feel pressured - as if you're shooting for a relationship here.

It should be the man that decides he wants a relationship with a woman first - and then it's the woman's decision to either accept or deny his offer.

Man leads, woman submits - that's the way Mother Nature intended it.

anu said...

thanks mirror for a prompt reply..
In a sense i have been doing the exact same thing..
Plz also tell me as to what i should do now to get him to talk to me again as its really killing me here..
I have already lessend my contact with him since past 3 days coz we were supposed to meet and he again ditched me... (i didnt lashed out at him for doing this). And practically applying no contact on him..
Also he admittedly told me that he is into various flings all over his life and does not want any serious thing..
( sounds like a player).. But till now we havent gone beyond kissing..
What should i do to make him talk to me again and start over something good?

anu said...

thanks mirror for ur prompt reply
also plz tell me what should i do in this situation?
Also he is at present just a friend and i want to take this thing forward..he is way too cute...lol and i have hots for him... Guide me what to do here..

He is also a self proclaimed player, he told me once but he never tried any stunts on me as such..

Again.. The meeting part.. He himself plans out and then ditches me.. Which is really annoying

m also in a process of giving him a silent treatment..eg not replying his texts for many hours..he hadnt called yet since he last ditched i.e 3 days back.. And i havnt contacted him...(though he texted me that he cudnt come and all.. And i replied that i had a wonderful day)

ur insights would be thouroughly welcome on the situation...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

There isn't anything you can do here to control the situation. You can't make a man love you, want to be with you or want to talk to you.

He has to WANT to do that himself.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I just started dated after getting out of a 12 yr marriage that was over a long time ago. I started talking to someone. I'm a Gemini he is a Sagittarius. I started talking to him on Sunday & he has asked to spend time with me everyday this week I did except for one day. He told me personal things & we have had a lot of conversations. He has been a gentleman, he likes to cuddle & kiss. He has been divorced for 10 yrs and has had relationships. He is in the sports industry & very busy but he makes time for me. I know he has woman falling at his feet so he is not desperate. He is a little odd in the way that he says he is very particular in what he is looking for, if he doesn't like something in the beginning he is gone. He said in the past year, he hasn't made it past the first date. He feels something different with me. I like him a lot, he said he feels the same. Last night he went out with friends & said he would call me later. He didn't and I haven't heard from him today. He isn't big on texting & always asks to talk. He usually calls when he says and if not he will apologize. I know it's only been a week but he has constantly pursued me. I know your rule is not to contact the guy but is he testing me to see if I am interested enough to contact him?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's possible it's a test and it's possible that he's simply been busy and it's possible that he's pulling back.

Only time will tell. You can't control the situation and it's not reasonable to think a man is going to keep up the level of constant contact throughout an entire relationship that he did in the beginning.

Just sit tight. Men that are genuinely interested will seek you out. Men who are only half interested will bounce in and out of your life.

Give it time to find out which one he is.

the beautiful crab said...

hi, I'm dating this guy who is a pisces with venus in taurus. we have been dating for awhile, at first I didn't like him, I took his number down, and never called. one day by he needed to get into the building and I had the key but his cousin wasn't home, so he just sat outside with me. I wasn't looking for anything I was just having a convo with him about stupid stuff. so long story short I was feeling kind of you know and I was a lil tipsy and we did the do, we exchanged numbers but again I never called him. so two weeks later he calls my job phone telling me that he misses me and I avoid him like the plague. so all this time of me and him, cat and mouse, we finally end up together, now living together. at first it was he loves me we spend every waking moment together, now all of a sudden he is being distant he went to his mother's house and says he needs to clear his head then he comes back we have sex then he goes into the other room that is empty and spend his time there his words its so peaceful back here so I let him be then the next day he has to do something and won't come back home every other day so I tried breaking up with him twice and he won't let me I tried testing him saying he still has a place to stay just keep up with the rent as usual but he just calls me back and pleads with me so now I'm at my grandmothers house and he notices that Ihaven't been home so at this point he doesn't call me and I'm trying to have self control but tonight I haven't called him at all my thing is I really do like him and I can see the good in him but please tell me what I should do concerning him also he is 32 and I am 30 he has 3 kids and I have 2.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Beautiful Crab,
Regretfully, I think this is over, dear. He's no longer working at the relationship and he wants you to be okay with it the way it is.

Which is not making you happy, nor will it.

If this is all he has to offer, it's time to move on and find a man that can make you happy. Don't settle for one that is apathetic and simply using the situation for sex and a roof over his head.

When I'm living with a man and he doesn't come home at night - it's over. If he wasn't in an accident or something to that effect and he's staying out all night - it's over.

I will not foot half the bill for this living expenses, making his lifestyle comfortable, and provide sex to him while he's having his cake and eating it too.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Beautiful Crab,
Regretfully, I think this is over, dear. He's no longer working at the relationship and he wants you to be okay with it the way it is.

Which is not making you happy, nor will it.

If this is all he has to offer, it's time to move on and find a man that can make you happy. Don't settle for one that is apathetic and simply using the situation for sex and a roof over his head.

When I'm living with a man and he doesn't come home at night - it's over. If he wasn't in an accident or something to that effect and he's staying out all night - it's over.

I will not foot half the bill for this living expenses, making his lifestyle comfortable, and provide sex to him while he's having his cake and eating it too.

Anonymous said...

I met a Scorpio man who was alot of fun but ended up being very insecure and constantly worried that I would deceive him. All of the qualities of "Ask for a Commitment Too Soon" was exactly this him. He wanted to speed up our relationship, have sex and meet my parents all in the first month of dating. Everything was going fine but then one night he texts me and tells me that hes on his way to my house. He said about 3 times back and forth that he was and wasnt coming over. I was getting frustrated and about 5 minutes later he shows up. He says he wants to hang out and asks me if Im alone. I said I was with my best friend and he wanted to hear her voice. It was almost like he didnt believe me. I end up talking to him in his car about the situation and I tell him that it was strange and weird that he would give me the "run around" over the phone as well as show up unannounced. He became very defensive and angry. We continued to argue and I slammed the car door and went home. We ended up never communicating after that night. A week later I notice that he blocked me on facebook and then the next day unblocks me and takes me off of his friends list. Does that mean he took this argument too hard? or Did he realize he couldn't act that way with me? I'm guessing that he never really genuinely liked me and was just using me. I never was in a relationship that ended without a conversation about it or a "formal ending" so I was looking to this article for advice.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I wouldn't worry about a man like this at all. Be glad he's gone. He sounds frighteningly controlling, entitled and suspicious to the point of paranoia. He'd be a nightmare of a boyfriend.

Besides, I imagine he'll be back someday. He can't possibly have luck dating women behaving the way he does.

Can anyone say "stalker" LOL?

Scary behavior. Be glad he's gone. And if/when he returns, I'd ignore him if I were you. Letting unstable individuals like that into your life is never a good idea.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I met a guy and he told me he was not ready for a relationship because of work commitments. I also told him I did not want to 'casually date' because I've done that before and ended up getting hurt. We decided to leave it as friends because we both wanted different things. However we would text all the time and he would call me almost every night despite having work to do. We became close and ended up being intimate with each other on one occasion. Now it's so difficult to get his attention. He became really scarce and I felt I was always initiating conversation. One day I broke down and told him I felt like I had made a mistake by being intimate with him because of his behaviour after the fact. He however reassured me and said he's been swamped with work, misses me and really wants to keep seeing me. He also says he never calls because he has no free time to have those in depth conversations we both enjoyed in the past and would rather not have a short hi and bye phone call. I know I messed up by being intimate without a commitment from this guy but I guess what I want to know is, is it possible to redeem yourself as a prize and as someone worth being in a relationship with even after you have been intimate too soon? Thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, I don't think all hope is lost, but I do think you need to pull back and give him his space and what he's asking for here. Because I believe that's what he's saying.

Do not initiate anymore contact with him. Pull back and see if he comes to you. It may be a few weeks or a month or so, but let that take place. Give him the space he needs and see if he moves towards you after a couple of weeks.

Anonymous said...

So I'm so thankful to have stumbled across your advice! (Even got the amazing Shelly Argov book you mentioned in another post (Why Men Like Bitches).

I decided to try out your suggested approach for a disappearing man & boy did it work...almost a little too well! He went from short 2 word answers (In. onversations HE started) and disappering for a week to asking me what I was doing twice in one day and then much later that night asking if he "did something wrong" because I hadn't responded.

I wasn't expecting that last one & now im starting to feel bad & wonder if he actually doesnt realize he was rude! Im feeling very conflicted especially after recognizing some of your red flags (Went for the relationship angle quickly, but didn't ask personal questions, gives no excuse when he doesn't text for days).

I guess what im wondering is if its possible he's ACTUALLY interested at this point & possibly just trying to feel me out ...OR if I should RUN & never look back!

Just a little background: he's a 25yr old capricorn who hasnt dated in 3.5 yrs bc he was super focused on getting his career started. He said he decided its time for some "balance" in his life now, ie-a woman/relationship. Im tempted to say he's just a quiet capricorn that's clueless about adult dating! He wanted to see me so badly the first week & we saw eachother twice. He even introduced me to his friends the second time & said he "liked me a lot" and mentioned he'd be happy if I was his girlfriend.

For me that's a bit much in one week, so i smiled and told him i really wanted to get to know him better. That's when the distancing & disappearing began. He still initiated texts but didn't mention hanging out anymore, then "poof"! Didn't respond for a week...and here we are!

Please help! -Confused Taurus Girl!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"im starting to feel bad & wonder if he actually doesnt realize he was rude!"

The point of no contact and pulling back with a man is to jump start the thought process that needs to take place to HIM to REACH that conclusion. And it's already begun:

"asking if he "did something wrong"

Now - he's THINKING. Don't feel bad about it, feel good about it. This is GOOD for him, not bad - THINKING is good, LOL.

"im wondering is if its possible he's ACTUALLY interested at this point & possibly just trying to feel me out ...OR if I should RUN & never look back!"

One text and a couple of days is not going to answer this question for you. Patience. Time is needed here for this to take affect. This is the BEGINNING of the process that will eventually HELP you to answer that question. Which you should be able to answer in about four to six weeks from now.

This process is going to determine if he's genuinely interested or not. Because a man that is genuinely interested will man up and try harder to prove himself to you, to win you over. If a month or so goes by and he fades away, then there's your answer - he was only half interested. However, if a month or so from now, he's trying harder, asking more questions, initiating more contact and holding deeper conversations with you, then there's your answer - he's genuinely interested and you can give him a real shot.

"i smiled and told him i really wanted to get to know him better. That's when the distancing & disappearing began."

He sounds like he might be emotionally immature. And once he heard that this wasn't going to be easy, that you weren't going to roll over and play dead and give yourself away freely to him - he pulled back. That's the sign of a player and/or an insecure man. They don't try real hard because they prefer things easy - easy women that make themselves willing victims.

A man that's a member of this community just wrote a piece that's pretty insightful on the difference between and emotionally immature man, "man boys" versus true gentlemen:


There is a difference between a true gentlemen and an immature "man boy" or player. But most times, when women end up here on my blog - they're dealing with a "man boy" and not a true gentlemen.

Because true gentlemen that are confident and willing to do the work required to get what they want in life - generally do not treat women in the disrespectful ways that many of the stories women share here contain.

AnonWoman said...

Hey Mirror,

The thing that strikes me as so important with No Contact in training Big Foot's, I mean, boyfriends or guys you're dating...is doing No Contact is so much better whilst you still have him.

Because, once the final nail in the coffin has been put in by either the man or woman ending the relationship.....and space has happened, then other people start giving opinions that 'you should never go back, always move forward'...and even the dumper himself/herself can think and believe this, thus stopping a return. Or, 'it didn't work before for a reason so it won't work again'.

This is why No Contact, I've realised more and more these past couple of months to teach men and protect yourself during the actual relationship is incredibly important as this is when the man will THINK about his actions and what he did and you still have him properly...if all that makes sense.


Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror,
First off thank you so much for your article, I love what you have to say. I just recently had a very strange dating situation go down. It fragmented me. I would love to hear your opinion regarding what happened. I'm having a very hard time taking it personally!

I'm in a band and had seen this man several times with his band during the same entertainment circuits. Previous to christmas, he came down to our show when we were in his city and we instantly couldn't stop talking. He took my number, messaged me right away and told me to hit him up anytime. We continued to email for several weeks followed by the introduction of epic skype conversations. He would quite often ask about what happened to my previous boyfriends, what I was into as well as tell me how bad he'd like to take me on several dates in a row. I finally sent a message one day that teasingly asked when I could come down there and take him to the zoo. He said"You tell me?!".Then he was MIA. Thinking he needed space, I didn't contact him for almost a week until my brother encouraged me too. When I contacted him, he said he thought I had been very busy and needed space and that I had been MIA! It struck me he was having the same insecurities. Anyways, he informed me he'd love to see me and I had my plane ticket booked that night. He was messaging me with excitement all the way up until getting there. When he picked me up from the airport, we first went to breakfast and talked for hours. We then went back to his house to drop my bags off. He was opening every single door for me, carrying my bags, wouldn't walk first, insisted on paying every bill and making sure I had whatever I needed. He had also stocked his fridge and cupboards with my favourite chocolate, gluten and dairy free snacks for my allergies and healthy drinks. It was very thoughtful. He then took me to a beach town outside the city for the rest of the day where we walked around, shopped, talked, had a nice dinner etc. He would often ask"Are you sure you're having a good time, I'm not too boring?". I was having a great time and was confused why he kept asking!. While shopping, I tried to buy him a jacket and it overwhelmed and flustered him. He said he was overwhelmed that I was actually going to do that and it clearly made him very uncomfortable. I apologized and moved on. He also would shut down any compliments I would give him. When we were at his house, we talked a bit, then picked out a movie. At this point you should know, he was treating me like gold in the material way but was not very flirty or touchy therefore the signals were confusing the hell out of me. When we would sit on the couch in his house he would sit far away. Then he got the courage up to say"hey i thought we were going to cuddle!" so I gladly took the initiative to move over there and curl into him. As soon as I cuddled him, he froze, like a dead man, it was so bizarre. I didn't know what to do so I just stayed and continued to cuddle him! Ten minutes later he said "are you sure you're comfortable, I'm so bony, this can't feel good".

Anonymous said...

He is fit, tall, very narrow hipped body type. I am athletic, toned but curvy. He was so insecure! I reassured him I loved his body and how it felt. He later proceeded to try a not so smooth kiss but we were both turned on and it carried on further into the bedroom. The bed frame broke (lol), this completely through him off. He couldn't stop saying omg what a buzz kill i'm so sorry even though it didn't bother me whatsoever, I thought it was hilarious. He was embarrassed, didn't want me to help him fix the bed. A while later I went to take a shower, invited him in and he said yes and said he'd be right back and to hop in. He NEVER came back :O. I finally turned off the shower, got dressed and went out to see if he was ok. He said he was fine and that he decided he couldn't trust himself. What the hell does that mean? We talked for a while before going to bed. I rubbed his back, scratched his head. He loved it but informed me I didn't have to feel obligated to do that. Again I reassured him I wanted to touch him because I wanted to touch him! I asked if he wasn't into cuddling and he said "no way I love cuddling!" but again when I moved closer, its like he had no idea what to do with me. He couldn't sleep, got up a couple hours later and never came back to the room. I again went to see if he was ok, he said he was fine, walked me back to the bed and proceeded to not sleep the whole night. He looked like hell in the morning. He took me to a bunch of places around town he thought I would enjoy. It was nice but it was again not flirty. He would walk very close to me however and never let me leave his sight. I kissed him a few times and he would say thank you. He attempted to also hold my hand for all of 5 seconds but got anxious haha. We got my bags, went to the airport, kissed and off I went. He right away checked in on me to see if I was settled and wanted me to message him when I landed. I felt so completely confused by him all weekend. We skyped the next day very briefly where I told him I had a wonderful time, I think he's amazing and I like him. He didn't respond to one compliment. He said I was a "great house guest". Omg yikes. Since then, he messaged me saying he hoped I was ok. I said I'm great, how are you? and he never responded. Now it has been in zero contact. The whole weekend I felt like he was terrified of me and I also felt alienated and now, I don't know what I did!! We both were clear we weren't looking for anything serious right now but were going to see where it went over time. I should mention, he changed 6 times in the 36 hours I was there because he never thought he didn't look good and couldn't settle on an outfit. He's also 7 years older then me and seemed to really feel like an old man but to me successful entertainers that are 25 ad 32 are not age inappropriate at all. Alright that's that! I believe he has some serious baggage, intense insecurity and is inexperienced but i could just be making excuses for feeling rejected. It was the WEIRDEST date I've ever been on in my life in regards to how awkward he was behaving.
Sorry for the essay ;p

jbird said...

I've read through most of the posts here about men disappearing and reappearing and what women need to do to stop that. The better question here is why bother at all with such men? If you have to constantly play games to keep their attention, when can that possibly translate to a stable loving relationship?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I agree, me personally, I don't bother. Unless of course, I believe it's worth fighting for..which isn't often by the way, LOL.

However, to each his own. If its worth it, some chose to go the distance. And my pieces here aren't necessarily about getting the man so much as they're about learning to filter through them, stand up for yourself, and not let yourself be run over by them.

And yes, there are times when it can lead to a stable, meaningful relationship..that is, if both parties are mature and willing to work at it.

It's a mating dance. Lets face it, nothing works perfect from the get-go in dating and relationships. And if it does, you should be suspicious of it.

If something appears to be too good to be true...9 times out of 10 - it usually isn't.

Again, this isn't necessarily about getting the guy...it's about loving yourself and learning to stand up for yourself - instead of rolling over to be the perfect victim.

But it's up to the reader, the woman involved, as to how she chooses to use the information here - be it to stand up for herself and learn to filter and walk away...or to decide he's worth it and use the information to try and get through to the man.

The choice is hers.

jbird said...

@The Mirror of Aphrodite...true that!
Another thing I've noticed with men is that this behaviour seems quite prevalent in the western world?? I'm indian and have had indian men pursue me......but have never had the disappearing reappearing thing happen. But it did happen recently with this irish guy I met .....thats how I stumbled onto here.....still dont understand his behaviour....but Im happy to let go of it. I definitely deserve better!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I can't really comment on whether or not it's simply in the Western world but we do have an international community here and I've had women from other countries comment that it's happened to them as well - although it may not be as prevalent as it is here in the U.S.A.

But yea, over here . . . it appears to be part and parcel in the dating world anymore.

Just goes to show you the state that our society is in over here. Ugh.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb. 12, 7:55PM,
You're gut has already provided you with all of the answers - this man is EXTREMELY insecure with himself. Extremely. And insecure men behave really strange, they'll drive you mad in a relationship and they tend to make crappy boyfriends, lovers and husbands.

And I imagine that sex only added to his insecurities and as a result - he just totally bailed - and it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you. Nothing whatsoever.

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much MOA! It's amazing how an outside perspective and validation can put ease to the mind . You rock!

Anonymous said...


I met a guy. Three weeks ago or so. And we live in different country.
When I speak to him, or the way he replies, he seems cold, most of the time. Or maybe it's just my feeling? Dunno.
But he likes to ask about me. How i am, what i'm up to, what i'm doing, how my day is, how's the movie, and so on. And mostly he likes to call me with "baby", "love", and so on (BUT never "my love", no). Just like most British do. Cause he's a British anyway.
Sometimes he says a compliment, about my picture.
Also when I started being quiet, he suddenly asked those things, about me.
There was also one time he said what he's doing without me asking.

Once, he suddenly sent me texts first. And once, we suddenly talked much.
After we been talking, so far, it seems that we like the same things. We have common interests. Things he likes is totally what I like. He almost has everything that i like or even i love.
I like him when he talks more, when he starts talking (cause i usually and mostly talk first and more). But mostly he seems cold to me. I just don't understand.
Once he said that "if I were closer to you, I would want to be yours". What does that mean? Is that a bad sign?? Or is that saying that he doesn't want to be with me? Or how?
And then other things like that, that he said to me.
That he would do things if he was with me.
I just don't understand. The way he acts or reacts. He's nice, but mostly he seems cold.
Sometimes I wonder, if it's because of me that he seems cold or passive.
I wonder if it's because I sometimes make a space from him. As if I don't have feelings for him, like i don't take his sweet words.
Just because I'm not sure and wondering if he likes me or not, if he has feelings for me or not.
I don't know.
Could you please give me your advice or how you think of my story?
Really need your advice or your thoughts about all of this. Would really appreciate it.
Thanks a lot before. :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think he may be having a problem feeling close to you because you're the one taking the lead here - you're performing the role HE should be performing. And because he's unable to lead here, he's having problems connecting.

Notice that when YOU are not doing all of the work here and taking the lead, HE suddenly steps up to the plate - to lead (as a man should):

"Also when I started being quiet, he suddenly asked those things, about me."

You need to pull back and let HIM take the lead here so he can be and FEEL like the man here to make a proper connection.

"I like him when he talks more, when he starts talking (cause i usually and mostly talk first and more)."

Let HIM do this. Let HIM come to you. Let HIM be the man here. Let HIM lead this. Stop being the one to take the lead and initiate all of the communication. Take a step back and give him room to be a man.

"But mostly he seems cold to me. I just don't understand."

I imagine he's cold to you when it's YOU taking the lead and contacting HIM. That doesn't feel right to men and as a result, they will pull away from the woman and become detached - because she's not letting HIM be the man and take the lead. Instead of HIM pursuing YOU, it's YOU pursuing HIM. Men don't like that. Let him be the man here and pursue YOU.

"Once he said that "if I were closer to you, I would want to be yours". What does that mean?"

If HE could get closer to YOU. You're trying too hard here and it's turning him off. He feels he can't make a connection here because you're pursuing him and it's driving him away from you. Men connect to a woman by pursuing the woman. Let HIM pursue YOU.

"Sometimes I wonder, if it's because of me that he seems cold or passive."

It's because YOU are pursuing HIM and it's turning him off. You need to let HIM pursue YOU and be the man here.

"I wonder if it's because I sometimes make a space from him. As if I don't have feelings for him, like i don't take his sweet words."

Actually that's what needs to be done here. You need to give him lots of space. Because when you make space for him, when you give him the space he needs - he is able to then step forward and take the lead:

"Also when I started being quiet, he suddenly asked those things, about me."

Anonymous said...

I just came upon your site while I was researching what zodiac signs mean and which ones are good for me to date. I am a Leo but I have never put much emphasis on the meaning of it. I was telling a friend about a guy I like and that his b-day is April 18. She was quick to say he's an Aries and that was good for me. OK, but now that I have been reading your blog, I think I may have messed this up. I am divorced (very recent) and was introduced to Aries man (also divorced) a couple of weeks ago. We have gone out in groups (not planned) and we finally made plans to go out alone. We went to a concert, drank a bit too much and ended up sleeping together at his place. He was a complete gentleman all night....constantly asking me if I was ok, if I was having fun, etc. Then as we were saying good night at his front door, he asked if he could see me again. Of course, I said yes and the plans are for 2 days from now. We've texted and talked everyday since our concert date and things seem fine. I don't regret sleeping with him, however, reading all your responses in the prior blogs, I now fear I have ruined my chance to have a GREAT relationship. So, what do I do now?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, that's a bit tricky, but it's not a total lost cause, LOL.

Nothing bad has happened yet so there's really no need to worry. But I would say that would help the situation (keep him from taking you for granted) would be to only accept proper date requests from him (dinner, drinks, movies, etc.). This will signal that you still need to be treated like a lady.

Don't let him into your home yet and don't enter his yet - no sleepovers yet, or no more if there has been one. Make up an excuse and simply remove yourself from the situation. Stay upbeat and cheerful about it though, "Oh I'd love to, I just have a really busy day tomorrow. I need to go home and get some rest is all."

Don't get involved in sexting, no provocative sexual talk (it'll give him the wrong impression of you) and no late night booty calls or anything like that.

Bottom line: Carry yourself like a lady and demand to be dated properly and treated with respect. If he tries to steer the wheel towards sex all the time, pull back on him (disappear for a day or two and become non-responsive). That will keep him from getting the wrong impression of you and/or taking you for granted and treating you like a sexual object.

Let him see the woman you are.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror:

Found this blog searching for answers about men. You have saved me hours of therapy! Consider recording your blogs on CD I will pay money to download and listen repeatedly.

Would like to get your take on my situation. My friend and I dated for about a year. He then went through some personal issues: laid off, death of father, frustration at not reaching his dream. He pulled away. He came back but we kept it as friends. We started moving closer again seeing each other regularly, talking weekly, said he loved me, trusts me, asked me to hang in and said I'm the only woman who has ever believed in his dream as I agreed to help him with some aspects - no strings attached. Then he got laid off again and lost his place. I let him move in with the plan that it was temporary, we continue as friends, continue to work the dream, and give him a chance to get back on his feet. He changed the plan slightly, he moved his things in but left NY for GA immediately for family business, to try to pick up work and said he'd be back in a six weeks. When he got there more family drama, the friends he counted on haven't come through, no work and now he's stuck. In meantime I've since learned he has a few women on text and phone rotation - not sure of the nature and since we're not in a relationship he's technically free to do whatever. But a Facebook posting by his daughter led me to ask if he's now moved on to a relationship that he forgot to mention. He denied it even stating no one wants a broke man and that he's not ready. I said ok I was checking to see if perhaps things had changed and I didn't know. He then flipped it on me and asked what I was waiting around for and that I should be dating. I said I wasn't waiting around and that I was actually dating several men (not true yet!). Two days later he called devastated about his situation. I talked him off the ledge. The next day he said he felt better, was going to try to look for work again and get back to home asap. We were to meet via phone on the project. That was Feb. 13 5 days ago and I hadn't heard from him. I didn't contact. He sent a text today (Feb. 18) asking me to call when I get a chance. I haven't called yet.
Before I call ... My question is am I simply dealing with a troubled guy who has to get his life together and when and if he's ever ready for a relationship then we may be able to pick up again or is he the smoothest broke player out there that I have been enabling with my kindness? I was ok through the leaving but what threw me was the FB posting and the women texting that made me question have I been given a line and because we're friends I really can't make demands other than to ask for honesty which I did. He's a sag, flirtatious and I know he has several female friends - some I've met - these other texting/phone chicks I have not.

Reading your blogs I see how I have given too much support and availability even in friendship thinking I didn't want to be someone else who let him down. Maybe I have been mistaken about us getting closer as well.

Obviously I love the guy but I'm not sure what to do. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and I want to protect myself as well, stay sane and lay the groundwork for a real relationship when/if he returns and if I'm willing to wait it out.
Thanks for your time.

Anonymous said...

OK thanks! I am so ignorant of all these dating rules. When I was dating my ex husband, there were no cell phones! LOL
I'm sure I'll be calling upon you again....soon! :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"My question is am I simply dealing with a troubled guy who has to get his life together and when and if he's ever ready for a relationship then we may be able to pick up again or is he the smoothest broke player out there that I have been enabling with my kindness?"

I think it's a combination of the two. But regardless, he's made his intentions clear:

"asked what I was waiting around for and that I should be dating."

If you're expecting this to turn into a relationship right now, it's not going to as clearly - that is not how he is viewing it.

My advice would be to set a firm deadline for when he needs to be moved out and his stuff placed into storage until he gets on his feet. And if he fights you on that, you simply explain to him that this was a temporary arrangement and that YOU have held up YOUR end of the bargain here. And that YOU ARE DATING and as a result, you need him to move along so that another man can move into your life.

You explain to him that his presence in your life is holding you back from moving forward with others and that you've honored your temporary agreement to him - and you remind him that he needs to honor his end of the agreement - THAT IT WAS TEMPORARY.

And you set a deadline for him to be out. If he cannot accomplish that right now - you inform him (in writing) that he has until such and such a date to move his things out (30 days from the date of the written notification) and that on the 31st day - you will place his items into storage. You will pay or the first month (if it costs $100 to rid him from you home, so be it, it's worth it) and that prior to the next month's billing, you will transfer the storage space over into his name for him to resume payment and accept responsibility for the storage of his items.

But you put EVERY SINGLE BIT OF THIS into writing. And you email that agreement or mail it to him for a signature (so you don't get stuck with your name on the storage facility and a financial responsibility as such).

If he refuses to sign it, you send another written notification informing him that 30 days from that date - you will be removing his items from your home - with or without him.

But do some research about this online and possibly with your local authorities first with regards to the laws in your state (eviction laws, storage, etc.) before you spell it all out for him.

Anonymous said...


This is anonymous from Feb. 18 at 8:01 with the troubled/brokeplayer friend who I need to set a deadline to move out. It was hard to read it in black and white but thanks for your assessment and advice.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I realize that wasn't what you wanted to hear, sweetie. But please do think of yourself here. Do not permit yourself to be used and taken for granted by a man that doesn't lift a finger for you or show you any respect.

Please do think of YOURSELF more here - and worry less about him :-)

Anonymous said...

1 of 2 -Hi, I have been "dating" a guy for almost 5 weeks. The 1st week we saw each other every day because he was off from work. I tried to pull back but he said it's rare he has this much time and is usually busy and wanted to take advantage of it. I am recently divorced. He has been divorced 12 years. He told me a lot of personal things. His big thing is a continues to be is he wants to make sure I am sincere. He met a lot of crazy women in the past. He likes me a lot. Yes we have had sex, but when I spend time with him, sometimes we just watch movies or hang out so it's not about sex. My issue is I will see him on Friday nights, sleep there, then I don't hear from him. He says a lot of nice things and I have said something to him about him being busy. He just says, just call me what is the big deal. He tries to call when he has time but he is busy starting a new business and takes care of his son at night who has sports every night. I also met his son. He doesn't call when he says he will and I learned this is his nature and it's something he just says. So, up until last week, I would call him just once during the week to see how he was and he always answers or responds even if it's to say hi on text. He would call too, but maybe just once or he would send a text just to say hi and he is busy. So Friday we were together out and he said why do i feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to take you away, I just want to know your sincere etc. I said that I am not going to be the only one making the effort and if that is the case he wasn't for me. We talked a long time. So I left the next morning, he said call me later. So I did, when I called he said he was just going to the movies with his son and he'll call me ltr and made sure I was OK etc. He didn't call. I know I was wrong but I sent him a text Tuesday to ask if he had time for a quick lunch because I was working from home (we live close). He said he was sorry but he was stuck going to a meeting and for me to call him later. I responded and said "you call me later". Still he hasn't called and I haven't reached out to him. Now I only see him on Friday night because that is when I don't have my kids, it's not because he hasn't asked to see me on Saturday. He has even asked me to go to his son's game and I said no on another Friday night. I am trying to explain everything because I know he isn't using me for sex. He is used to women falling at his feet all the time and I don't. Is he just confused in how to pursue? Is this ending? He is so hard to read because of all the things he has said and confided in me with. He even asked me to help do some things for his business (yes he would pay me). I really like him and feel like he likes me a lot but he's holding back and maybe it's because he has been hurt like I was, and he has a defense up. I met his friends already and even went out with them. He even mentioned that I haven't even had him over my house yet, which I would only do if the kids aren't home. I don't think it's other girls either because he doesn't hide his phone or texts and when I call, he ALWAYS picks up even if it's late. He asks about me so it's just not about him. Now I am not reaching out to him at all and I know I deserve better, but I am just trying to figure this out. I guess hoping things will turn around. He has said from the beginning he is not big on text and will always tell me to call him instead.........

Anonymous said...

2 of 2 continued....When we are together, it's great but when we are not, I'm wondering. And we are over 40 so I know things change at that age and I won't get a call everyday, especially because we haven't talked about exclusivity or anything. But a call or text here and there, I would think is not a lot to ask. I am not naive, I have been around the block with men before I was married and I know he sounds like a player, but my gut is telling me it's something else. I don't want to play games so if he calls, I am just going to tell him that I'm not putting up with it. Well let me know what you think, I tried to give as much info as I can so you can understand the whole picture because I tried to think of everything and other than him being alone for 12 years, having crazy girls, he is just used to doing his own thing. Thanks for your help, I need it!!!! Not sure if it matter, he is a sagittarius and I'm a Gemini Another issue is I am a planner and he is not so my tendency to control, I know is an issue. Since we usually go out tomorrow night, it's killing me not to text him to plan ahead, but I won't to see if he ends up calling me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I don't want to play games so if he calls, I am just going to tell him that I'm not putting up with it."

Well, the things is, I know you see a confrontation as "not playing games" and communication - but you need to realize that men see that MUCH differently when coming from a woman. To men, confrontation is - confrontation. And they will view it as such.

When you confront a man like that, you run the risk of running him off. He may speak to you about the issue and you may think you had a great talk. But a week or so later, you'll begin to notice he's pulling back. He'll become even more distant until eventually, he simply fades away.

Confrontation carries risk.

Rather than confront, I would cease carrying the burden of the relationship on your shoulders. I would cease contacting him, I would cease calling him. And I would wait to see how long it takes him to contact me. How long it takes him to miss me and reach out to me.

Because right now, he has you carrying the bulk of the burden of the relationship on your shoulders. Communication is up to you. Well, communication is a HUGE portion of the relationship. Why is it only up to YOU? Why is he not required to contribute to the relationship as well?

If you carry on like this, towing the weight of this relationship on your shoulders like this, you're going to find that you're going to increasingly become unhappy and unfulfilled here. And you're going to begin questioning why this man isn't investing in this relationship as he should.

I wouldn't chose to confront him, rather I'd chose to make him invest in the relationship by not contacting him anymore and letting him come to me to create fairness and balance and to begin requiring him to fulfill your needs of communication.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, am not confrontation and try not to be. You are right, when and if he even calls, I will just try to go with the flow and still live my life. It's just hard trying to guess and wonder what is going on. This is something I need to get used to being back in the dating field after 12 years, I may not make it. Thanks for your help, you are right!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
I have a question why would a guy who played me and treated me horrible would get mad that I ignore him when I see him. He does nothing but stare at me and gets mad when I don't say hello.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

That's an easy one sweetie - because he's insecure, and he wants power over you. He wants to be able to play you, he wants to be able to "win."

And when you ignore him, he's losing. He's losing power over you and he's not "winning."

He wants to be able to play you and treat you bad. So when he can't, he gets angry, just like a little child does when you take a toy away from them.

Anonymous said...

You're right I always knew he was insecure.I also thought because he wasn't getting an ego stroke from me. Also he is the one that dumped me so why does he care if I ignore him, he doesn't want to be with me.

Anonymous said...

Hi again, I am driving myself crazy. I wrote the 2 posts above on 2/28 & your response was to wait until he calls and don't be confrontational. Well he still hasn't called. I am so tempted to send a text to say are you alive or are you ok? I just can not believe he would just end it this way after all he has said to me. He had no reason to play me, it wasn't like that at all. If he calls, I will act like I have been busy too and not say anything about him not calling. But do you think it's over? I can't figure him out. Please help & let me know what you think.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I realize it's hard. But if you reach out to him, you risk being ignored and rejected. Spare yourself from that and don't reach out. Him not contacting you is telling you much about him and much about how he feels about you. It's valuable information, so please try to see it that way, as hard as it may be.

And when it comes to me sweetie - ignore their words - pay attention to their actions.

Hang in there. As the days go on, you'll start to detach and gain a much clearer perspective on him and the man who he TRULY is - not the one you ENVISION him to be.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much, I needed to hear it.

Alana said...


I'm back with a question on a new guy, Ben. My friend introduced us before Xmas given we were in the same industry, and when we met up, he was very complimentary - said that I was very fun and attractive a few times that night. He had to run off to a Xmas party but emailed me to ask me if I wanted to meet up later that night. Of course, being a well-trained MOA student, I declined. ;)

Xmas and NY came and went, and I emailed him to wish him happy NY. We had a brief exchange but he didn't suggest meeting up, so I assumed he wasn't interested and stopped responding.

Then a few days ago, I needed to ask him for a favor for a friend of mine. He agreed, and then asked me how I've been and suggested meeting up. I agreed, but as was insanely busy this week, I accepted a date yesterday (Friday night) thinking he meant next week.

So he emailed me to confirm last night. I said "to be clear, we meant next week, right?" and he said, "to be clear, we meant tonight". And that's when I realized that I never told him that I couldn't do this week (poor guy) and was so distracted with work all week that I was imagining having told him that I could only do next week.

He wrote back and said he was off traveling next Friday. I wrote back and said that I was busy last night, that I meant to say next week but didn't, that it's been such a hectic week and that I was very sorry about the confusion. He didn't reply.

Anyways, part of me wants to leave it now - that maybe he wasn't all that interested if he didn't pursue me all this time after the set up.

BUT the other part of me knows that I was the one who was wrong, and that maybe I should smooth things over? Maybe I should send an email on Monday to say, "hey, very sorry about Friday, I was under the impression we were talking about next Friday and had plans that I couldn't cancel. Have a blast on your trip and hopefully catch up when you're back!" That way he knows I was genuinely sorry and that the ball's back in his court?

What do you think?


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"BUT the other part of me knows that I was the one who was wrong, and that maybe I should smooth things over?"

I don't think you were wrong, I think it was a simple misunderstanding is all. And if he's a gentleman, he will understand that.

"That way he knows I was genuinely sorry and that the ball's back in his court?"

You would only be repeating yourself by doing so. You've already apologized for the confusion and the ball is already in his court. You offered the next weekend and he was busy that weekend - he could've suggested another date, yet he did not.

So the ball is sitting in his court right now ;-)

Alana said...

Yeah, true... OK, thanks, MOA!

Anonymous said...

@Mirror love your blog and your no nonsense advice.

I am thinking of going no contact and here is why. I started dating this guy two months ago. He would call me all day just to say hi, between calls and texts he would be in contact 10-12 times per day. Very brief calls except a few times when we talked for hours. This was the getting to know each other stage so I didn't expect that level of contact to continue. I never initiated contact, always him. Fast forward to two months later after several dates and even a conversation where he said he wanted to give a relationship with me a try. Should be smooth sailing right. Well no . . .his contacting me has gone down to a "good morning babe" text every morning. If that isn't bad enough the past four days I haven't even gotten that. I understand that 4 days is nothing in man time. Just based on the way he was before this seems like low effort to me. Anyway I didn't write him those days. When he finally texted me "good morning" today I haven't responded yet.

I am thinking of no contact because I know that I am not interested in a man who is doing so little to show me he wants me. If he returns to his previous ways then ok we can try to resume. If this is all I am getting then I am not losing much if the NC result in him going away. Just my two cents. Is a 30 day NC bringing a gun to a knifefight ;-)?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

LOL, well that's up to you. What you might consider starting with in this particular case is one week. Gauge his reaction. If he steps it up..you can move towards him a bit. If he doesn't...go two weeks. If he still doesn't step up..go three or four.

Let HIM make this decision for you - based on his actions ;-)

Anonymous said...

MOA you seem to have a phrasebook to translate what men are saying into something we women can understand. What are your thoughts:
After 3 months of dating I might have pulled the trigger on the where is this heading discussion. Didn't mean to but in the middle of a conversation I said I was ready to be with one person. I know, not good, I got swept up in the moment. Anyway he didn't run out the door but he said "I have feelings for you, I do want a relationship but I need some time."

I know men are different than women, this just seems like such an odd thing to say. For me if I have feelings I am ready to try a relationship, what is this time he speaks of? What does he need time for? Please take a crack at decoding this and what do you think is a fair amount of time to give a man to make up his mind about you?

Anonymous said...

I wondered if you may be able to give me any advice at all. The thing is that I like someone that I work with, and I've been told he likes me. I don't have very much contact with him through work, I pass him, but have no dealings really with what we do. I don't know him that well but he comes across as being gentle and caring. People tell me he is too shy to say ask me out. I've tried to take a couple of moves to encourage things/get into conversation more but he seems to run away like a scared rabbit! On one hand I feel like it's a waste of time, but on the other, he could be a lot better for me than than the other wasters I've been out with. I wish things would hurry up if they're going to happen cos I'm not as young as I used to be! I really don't think he'll do qnything about it anytime soon, if he does like me like people say. Maybe he likes me, or maybe he would just settle for the person that is willing to make the move on him. Would you forget it, or would you hang on? It's not like I have any other options to focus on right now!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March, 15 10:46AM,
Well what you need to realize dear, and it's a BIGGIE - is that MEN ARE NOT WOMEN. They are an entirely different species. As a result, they do not think like women, they do not feel like women, they do not have the same needs as women and they do not move at lightening speed like women.

A woman's needs and a man's needs are entirely different. And here are the biggie's when it comes to a man's needs:

1) Time

2) Space

3) Freedom

4) A feeling of power

A woman's bonding mechanisms are "immediate" due to the biology of a woman - the endorphines released in her brain. A man's however, at not. A man's bonding mechanism follows this path, which is NOT one of immediacy:

He will submerge himself in you, then come up for air, he will submerge himself in you, then come up for air. He will submerge himself in you, then come up for air.

And each time he comes up for air, he wants space. Because unlike women, men don't actually tend to experience "feelings" when WITH THE WOMAN. Men tend to experience "feelings" WHEN SEPARATED FROM THE WOMAN.

Two entirely different bonding processes. Many times, women fail to understand a man's needs and as a result, they begin to PROJECT THEIR NEEDS onto the man. Women have a tendency to say, "Well this is what I need, this is what I like and this is how I expect things to go in a relationship. And if that's what I want, need and expect - then he must expect the same and be the same way, too."

Which couldn't be further from the truth, LOL. Much like you've done here:

"For me if I have feelings I am ready to try a relationship, what is this time he speaks of? What does he need time for?"

Those are YOUR needs dear. They do not represent HIS needs. His needs are time, space, freedom and the ability to separate from you. Because during this separation, this time apart periodically - men wait to see if they "feel" for the woman.

Does he miss her? Does he want to talk to her? Does he want to see her? Does he long for her when he's not with her.

Men equate "longing" with love dear. If you don't provide a man time and space to separate from you - you deny him the opportunity to "feel" for you - to "long" for you - to "miss" you - TO FEEL FOR YOU.

He's asking for time because it's what he needs, so that he can "feel" for you properly before moving forward ;-)

And as a woman who cares for this man, you should aim to fulfill his needs so that he receives enjoyment from his association with you.

Men enjoy a challenge, it appeals to their love of competition. When a woman smothers a man or asks for too much too soon - it removes all of the fun for the man.

Let him chase you, let him miss you, let him long for you ---- and he will experience "feelings" for you ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 15, 3:11 PM,
I would simply do my best to send him signals and make him feel comfortable around me over a period of time. If he runs like a scared little boy, so be it, LOL. Have a laugh, ignore it and keep sending signals.

Talk to him, smile at him and just attempt to generally make him feel more comfortable around you. Don't ask him out, it'll freak him out. Just make yourself available to him and be carefree and comforting around him, so he relaxes over time with you.

If you act like you're running out of time here - a man is going to hear your biological clock ticking from a mile away, LOL ;-)

Relax. I know folks that have found love in their 60's - there's plenty of time dear. Love knows no age.

Start to migrate your way into his life slowly and for now, work at developing a friendship with him. Once you become friends, he'll feel much more comfortable with you. And eventually, if he's genuinely interested, he'll feel comfortable enough to start sending signals back to you in a confident manner - and he'll eventually hint or insinuate that you should join him some evening for dinner, a drink a date, etc. ;-)

Anonymous said...

From Anonymous March, 15 10:46AM

Thank you MOA - I knew you would be able to explain this in a way that I could understand.

Anonymous said...

MOA - your thoughts on this - I appreciate your point about men needing time away from you to develop feelings. Do you think he will be able to develop those feelings if the time he is away from you he is dating other women. This is purely academic at this point, I really want your opinion on this. Do you believe in the 80/20 theory? I am wondering if a man is dating a woman who is providing 80% of what he wants and needs in a woman, he is also free to date others because there is no relationship yet, wouldn't that mean he would be requiring a lot less from the other women he dates. Why would he ever be motivated by time away from the 80 if that time is spent with the 20s? Also he won't even realize he is only getting 20 from those women because he is getting so many of his needs met by the 80?

Finally when a man asks for time, I appreciate that and respect it but what do you think is a reasonable amount of time dating to give a man to develop feelings. Trust me I know it is not an exact science and all people are different - just curious from your observations what you think is reasonable.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think it depends on the individuals involved. If the man is casually dating other women (no sex), then yes, he can still develop feelings during that time away. If he's having sex while dating those others, than there would be less of a chance of that happening (i.e. confused, mixed feelings).

But generally, if a man is finding that a particular women fulfills 80% of his needs - he really won't have too much of a desire to date other women after a while. Rather, he'll spend 80% of his time thinking about the woman he's with, he'll begin to naturally gravitate towards her, because an 80% connection is a pretty strong one actually.

Sometime, dating others is what makes a man realize he has feelings for the woman. He thinks the "grass is greener" on the other side of the fence, but then once he gets to the other side, he quickly realizes that it's not - and he runs back across the fence line, LOL ;-)

I think a reasonable amount of time for a man to develop feelings for a woman when dating - I'm going to assume they're spending at least one or two days a week together here - is approximately four to six months. If you're spending time together regularly over that period of time and the man doesn't have feelings by the sixth month - chances are he never will.

Anonymous said...

Hello MoA, I´ve found your site and would very much appreciate your view.
I´ve been meeting this man for about four months. He´s been initiating consistently and we´ve been meeting once or twice a week. We both are in our fifties. I´ve noticed that he is rather reserved, no touch, no smiles, no emotions, he analyses everything rationally. I am the exact opposite, you know, a sort of an emotional volcano. To cut it short, we´ve argued a lot, it was inevitable I´d say, we´ve had heated exchanges of opinions, which is something I didn´t like because each time I felt exhausted. On the last date we again began arguing and though I wasn´t planning it, I suddenly dumped him. I didn´t even realize what I´d said, the words had just come out of my mounth. Afterwards, he didn´t want to end the date and invited me for a coffee to prolong it, where he told me arguments are better than cold behaviour, many couples don´t argue and still get divorced, and we should continue dating. I was firm and said again he was dumped. We haven´t been in contact since then, it´s been a couple of days. I feel uncomfortable about it because he wasn´t so bad as a person, only too cold to my liking and I dumped him very unexpectedly and rudely. I don´t know what I want now, I just need an objective view because I have a bad conscience. Would it be appropriate to call him and have a word with him to reach a conclusion with him or what should I do if anything? I´ll appreciate your reply, many thanks indeed.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you reached the conclusion that this is what you want, you can attempt to do so. But realize that you may not receive an immediate response. It may be too soon and he may still be processing his emotions over what happened.

If that's the case, give him plenty of time and space...and make only one attempt. Drop he ball in his court after that. Give him plenty of time to respond and if he doesn't, do you're best to move on dear :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you, I´ve sent him a text with an apology for being so rude and he hasn´t respond, I am afraid he´ll be offended. The best thing will probably be to take you advice and move on. We weren´t a match anyway. Thank you for help.

Anonymous said...

Hello MoA, I very much appreciate your blog and personalised advice.
I´ve been dating a guy for 2 years now, I am 29, he´s 31. We´ve been happy together and recently he proposed to me. I said yes because I love him dearly. There´s one thing that makes me worried. We met online and unbeleievably, he´s still active there. We´ve spoken about it a few times and he explained that it was a relaxation thing to him and he didn´t meet any woman since we´ve been together.I believe him but I can´t swallow it. I´ve asked my dad about it ans he said it´s nothing, he just want to keep the feeling of freedom. Like I said, we are happy and I wouldn´t want to lose him for anything in the world. Do you have any advice for me on this? What should I do or tell him to make it clear to him I don´t like this? Thank your very much indeed.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

That's ridiculous and I can't believe your father said it was nothing. Does he not care about his daughters happiness and feeling of security?

Does you fiance' not care about your feelings of happiness and security? Unbelievable. No disrespect, but both of them are behaving arrogantly about the matter and acting as if HIS happiness matters and YOURS doesn't. It's very rude and disrespectful.

If your fiance' loves you, he'd care about making you feel insecure and happy. And if he was doing anything to make you worried or cause ill feelings, he'd cease the behavior. Period.

But rather than argue the matter with WORDS (and have both your father and your fiance' gang up on you in battle about the matter) - it's time for ACTION girl ;-)

You need to "relax" too. You need a "feeling of freedom" as well.

Open up that online profile of yours and become active there. And when your fiance' questions you about it, you take HIS WORDS and you "stick them" right back on him - and you tell him that it's nothing, he shouldn't worry, it's how your relax.

Problem solved dear. What's good for the goose is good for the gander and turnabout is fair play, meaning, "It is fair for one to suffer whatever one has caused others to suffer."

And then HE will understand how YOU feel ;-)

And you refuse to take yours down until he agrees to take his down. If he refuses to take his down, you leave yours up and you stay active there.

And you DON'T tell him you did this. You just do it and let him find you there. And when he asks about, tell him it's no big deal. . .it's how you "relax" ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi everybody, I also have an enquiry on online dating. When I am dating someone and he is still active online how do I approach that? My example, he wants to kiss, cuddle, do I kiss with him if I know he is meeting other girls? Because if I don´t kiss him he may think I don´t like him. And I don´t feel good kissing a guy who might kiss another girl the next day or evening. Shall I tell him I mind his talking to other girls online? Thank you and bless you, Eve

lucy said...

Dear mirror, I love your site, your advice is awesome!

I need your help too. I am puzzled and down. I´ve been dating this guy for over 2 months, itś been going great, progressing slowly but steadily. No problems actually, not any red flags. We haven´t been intimate yet.

Now what happened when we last met. We drank a little, he more than me. He doesn´t usually drink at all. At the end of the dinner he invted me to come over to his place some time soon. I playfully answered that I´d think about it. After the dinner he walked me off to my place. Outside the building we chatted for a while and then we started kissing. He was tipsy, I was already sober. In the middle of kissing he said to himself "I´ve won" and then corrected himself "almost". Obviously he referred to me telling him that I´d consider visiting him at his place = being intimate with him.

I´d like to ask you: Is this a red flag? Do gentlemen say such things when they are happy the woman has finally agreed? Perhaps in a playful manner? Or is he a clever player whose tongue slipped? I´m asking because he´s always been gentlemanly but this sentense sticks in my mind and makes me insecure. What do you think? Thank you for your honest reply.

Anonymous said...

Hello MoA, my question is related to playing hard to get and being aloof. My guy doesn´t like this, he gets angry and keeps asking me probing questions to find out where he stands with me. However, whenever I am a bit more open with him about my feelings, I sense he loses interest. Is this okay or does he only want to play with me? How can I balance it so that I feel safe and at the same time I don´t discourage him? I often reply to his questions "maybe", "I need more time to see how things will be going between us" and similar, but I have a feeling it puts him off. What do you say? Thanks for advice.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"In the middle of kissing he said to himself "I´ve won" and then corrected himself "almost"."

Careful with this one dear. He sounds as if he's treating dating like a sport - a competition. It's a sign of insecurity on his part.

"Or is he a clever player whose tongue slipped?"

I think it was a player's slip of the lip.

"I´m asking because he´s always been gentlemanly but this sentense sticks in my mind and makes me insecure."

That's because it's a red flag and your gut is speaking to you - and you should listen to it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 1, 4:22 PM,
". . .related to playing hard to get and being aloof. My guy doesn´t like this, he gets angry and keeps asking me probing questions to find out where he stands with me."

To me, it signals he's attempting to gain control and the upper hand here. He wants to know EXACTLY where HE stands - so he can then DANGLE YOU on a string.

". . .whenever I am a bit more open with him about my feelings, I sense he loses interest."

See what I mean?

"How can I balance it so that I feel safe and at the same time I don´t discourage him?"

Do what you've been doing and don't worry about what he thinks about it. If he leaves because of it, he's an insecure guy that's fighting for control and power over a woman - and men like that DON'T make for good boyfriends, lovers or husbands dear. They'll leave you confused, in a sea of self-doubt, much like he's already doing.

"I have a feeling it puts him off."

Oh well, LOL. You're more important than he is right now. He needs to prove himself to you as a man, prove he's genuinely interested, before he can expect you to grant him the control he seeks.

Like I said dear, if he leaves, good riddance. It'll prove his interest wasn't genuine and it'll prove his unwillingness to please you and do what he needs to do to make you feel secure with him as a man.

lucy said...

Thanks very much for your immediate advice. I´ll follow it! He´s a handsome man btw, many women go for him, I´ll be careful. All the best to you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

So this guy I have known for three years, we were great friends as far as talking goes, which was only thru social networking (twitter etc). But thing is that when I had asked him if he wanted to hang out (you know so I could see if our friendship could be more) after I got to see him for my grad party, he'd say he was busy but apologized and asked for a raincheck. I have gave him about 3 months of no contact lol even ignoring his bday back in Sep. My birthday was just this past thursday and he ignored mine too!. Do you think he did that on purpose? How do I still salvage whats left of the friendship , I kind of feel bad...maybe that I went overboard just cause a guy I liked was wasting my time,..Should I ignore his birthday the next time around? Like should I continue ignoring him?

Anonymous said...

He is a Scorpio btw in reference to my above post about missing my birthday.

lucy said...

Dear Mirror,
thank you again for you helpful advice. I´d have another question for you if you don´t mind, maybe it´s not easy to answer, but you often mention insecure men. Is it possible to decipher such a guy straight away? During the first contact? Are there any clues?

VirgoPal said...

Insecure men- In my experience there are two types; passive aggressive and the player type.

1. Passive aggressive type- they will do anything you tell them. They will look to you for all the answers. They will insist you call THEM to hang out because they are unsure if you really like them. They will text or call a lot at the beginning, and you will notice and be put off by the clingy behaviors. They are probably the easier type to date, but women will generally walk all over them in the long run especially if she is the controlling or secure within herself. However, she will not like the clingy behavior. I think these guys are more amendable to behavior changes than the other type because they are for he most part genuinely interested, but most girls don't like men who show too much interest to soon!

The Player type- They will charm you early and then start playing games that MOA mentioned in the article: disappearing, ignoring you,try to make you jealous, try to get you to call them and make your existence around them. These are the guys most girls in the "disappearing reappearing act" blog are describing. They are usually somewhat immature and lack social skills. They will try to guilt you or pressure you to do things you've never done before.The relationship and/or dating experience will always be about him and never about you. However, they obviously lack in self confidence to date a women because deep down they don't feel good about themselves. They prefer to date a younger woman who will be less experienced and naive . They will always go for a certain type of girl and never deviate because that's what worked in the past. If they can't control everything, they move on. Many of them will be enamored with many things like " the hot girl" or very materialistic. They love to brag about the women they know, their bank accounts and whatever possession they may have. Its more about them taking solace in bringing someone down, so they can feel better about themselves.

I've dated both types at the same time. The player type is harder to spot because they appear to be the kind of man you are looking for at first glance. Mines did the slow fade on me after I refused to sleep with him.Ego bruise: oh well!

lucy said...

Thanks for your answer, it makes a lot of sense. I´ve known only the second type. I will definitely be more cautious next time.

Anonymous said...

I know it's been a few months but Ivy, if you're still around, your last comment very much resonated with me. I’ve had a string of these insecure/emotional midget/damaged types and as much as I know they’re the ones with the issues here, after a while I have started to think, ‘well, I *am* kind of the common denominator here.’ So yes, it has started to make me feel a bit insecure too! Previously I had put it down to the perils of online dating and men perhaps using that as a way to ‘get back out there’ when they weren’t really ready, but this last one was a work acquaintance who I feel might have sniffed me out, so I have been wondering lately if I do send out signals that I’m a bit of a sucker. On reflection, I think I can be too quick to give reassurance and I do have a tendency to want to ‘comfort’ the seemingly vulnerable man. But, now that I know this and it’s in my control, I can at least do my bit to try to avoid these types in the future.

And while it sometimes gets to me a bit, other times I just laugh it off. It occurred to me yesterday that I seem to be like a pair of training wheels for damaged men coming out of dodgy relationships – help them get their confidence back and then off they go out into the world, bigger and better than ever. It’s really quite humanitarian of me, when you think about it ;)

Good luck out there!

- ac11

Anonymous said...

Hi there,
I've been dating a guy for a a few weeks now. I don't think this is a forever thing (but who the hell knows this early on in reality) but it is nice and we get on very well and have a lot of fun. Ever since our first date he texts me every day - initially he always instigated - now it's just an ongoing conversation two or three times a day that can be brief or go on for hours (though I think in reality I'm starting to start it more often). We've been meeting up about once a week - we live a couple of hours away from each other and i have kids too who live with me some of the time. He's very sweet and remembers everything - he sends me photographs of things he's seen that he thinks I'll like (he's been on his own for a very long time so may well txt friends throughout the day too so I'm not sure how much this means). In the last couple of weeks though I've felt as if - if I didn't suggest us meeting up he may not. Last week he'd said he had plans for the weekend with family but then called to say he wanted to change them because he really wanted to see me. After I told him what my plans were I thought he'd get back to me next day to confirm what we'd do and he didn't - just normal day to day txt messages. I got really upset by this (out of character) and txtd him saying I guess you don't want to see me now then. He was shocked and said I should relax but that if we were being honest with each other the distance really bothers him. We had a lovely day/night together in the end and the next day he txtd again that he really enjoys all the time we have together but that the distance thing means that he has to try to keep it in perspective. I've been so confused since then. He still wants to see me - he still txts me constantly - we had talked about me meeting up with his friends in a few weeks but I don't know now whether he'll still want to do that and when we have sex he looks into my eyes constantly. We never speak on the phone, but if i'm honest - he's called me a couple of times and I've never called him - I've always felt odd about calling him, as if I'd be intruding in the rest of his life - which seems ridiculous. I'm really enjoying what we have, but feel like we're playing a game and i don't know the rules - like he's writing us off already because he can't see us long term because of the distance thing. On the other hand he's in constant contact and does want to see me - we've got an arrangement for tomorrow but we never arrange the next meet till a coupld of days after. It's the mix of messages that's driving me mad. I'm so not used to this, things have been far more straightforward with previous relationships, but I'm frightened to talk to him about it in case he thinks I'm pushing him or that I'm getting heavy about him - which I'm not - I just feel like we're stifling ourselves for no reason. Is he protecting me or protecting himself? I don't know why I'm so confused. Your advice would be appreciated

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA, I´d like to ask your opinion on why many men on dating sites look for younger single moms. I am single, childless and I met one such man. We were talking and I asked him why he wanted a woman with a child because you know I am 53 already and most probably won´t have a child, so I just wanted to know if he minds. He told me I don´t understand. What did he mean? My impression was that he didn´t care about children that much, so why does he prefer women with children? Any ideas? Thanks for insight.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You're not going to like this dear, but the reality is that if his reason isn't because he loves children and wants a family, even if not his own, the remaining reason is - single mothers make for good, willing victims :-(

That's how many men see it. Let me explain.

Many men, not all but many lesser types of men, feel that single mothers are desperate. This desperation makes them needy. The neediness makes them dependent. The dependency makes them vulnerable. And the vulnerability makes them controllable.

Add to that the fact that many single mothers don't focus much on dating, but rather, on child rearing. This is a bonus for men because, as a result, single mothers do not have as many male options as single women without children that invest more time into dating do.

This translates to men as "she's desperate for male attention, there are no other men to compete with, she'll do whatever I say, she'll jump through hoops to please me, she'll never leave me, I won't have to work hard at this"....translation: easy "cake and eat it too" situation.

Men that prefer single mothers that aren't looking for a family or don't live children....are looking for a free and easy ride with what they feel is a desperate Oman willing to do whatever it takes to keep a man in her life.

Big red flag dear. Run.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Ugh. I swear my ipad is a misogynist, LOL. It repeatedly auto corrects "woman" to "Oman" ;-)

VirgoPal said...


To add to your comment above, do you think men who seek younger less experienced women are the same way? I kind of got the sense that my re-appearing disappeared guy preyed on me because he knew I was single, young, inexperienced, and I look somewhat naive/shy. Therefore, as a result, he felt I wouldn't be wise to his games and it would be easier to get me into bed and control our interactions. A friend of mines told me he even had a "type" he preferred dating: mid 20s, very fit, pretty, and no kids.

I personally think it comes down to control and being insecure. Yes, we all have a "type" but sometimes we deviate if the person is a serious potential.

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA, in one of the previous posts I asked you why men seek single mothers. Thank you for your reply. You hit the nail on the head, he wants control. Since I felt there wasn´t much to lose, I confronted him. I asked him: "Don´t you believe in yourself to such a great extent that you feel you have to control women and others? Don´t you believe that a woman could love you without you manipulating her?" We argued a little about other things and he left angry but I could see how my words struck him. To my surprise, he´s called again and seems to have thought about his problem. I guess he is not happy about his character and would like to do something about it. Do you have any suggestions as to how a woman should react in a situation like this? I don´t like controlling people but he has shown a desire to change. When I tell him directly, he won´t listen to me though. Thank you for your insight.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 26, 5:18PM,
Truthfully dear, a leopard doesn't change it's spots. In my humble opinion, it's a waste of time to think it will happen and most times, the man will simply feign a desire to change or he will change for a while, then revert right back to old habits.

If you want to give him a chance, it's one day at a time, nothing more can be offered.

Otherwise, if I were you, I'd cut my loses and not waste my time and simply move on.

Anonymous said...

Hi MoA, I like your blog and appreciate all your comments. My question concerns dating two men at the same time. I am in my thirties, looking for a serious relationship. About a year ago I met a man online and we starting dating. It´s benn an on and off relationship but each time we separate I feel like I have to go back to him because I have strong feelings for him. We argue a lot, we don´t argue when I adjust to his requirements although they are not always in compliance with my needs. Overall, a difficult relationship. That´s why in one of our breaks I started meeting other men. I have known this one for a couple weeks, he seems to be nice and more caring than the first one but I don´t feel so strongly for him. I am in a situation I have never wanted to be. I must decide but I don´t know how. when I break up with the first man my heart will be broken, I know for sure. The second man I don´t know so well yet. Please help me I really don´t know what to do. Thank you and bless you for all your helpful advice.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 12, 2:45 PM,
It's too soon to make a decision because you don't know the second man well enough. Since the first situation has proved difficult and has also signaled an inability to take your needs into consideration, I'd lay off casually dating the first guy and I'd focus my energy on the second man, the one that seems more compatible.

Once you've given the second man a true chance to prove himself, you may find that you're more attracted to him than the first due to the fact that he's a bit more compatible and seems more willing to consider your needs.

If you pass up this opportunity with the second man to date the first man, there's a very high likelihood that the first man is going to disappoint you and you're going to regret not giving this second man a true chance.

The first man got his chance and proved a bit disappointing - the second man deserves a chance to prove otherwise.

Gemini 50 said...

@ Anonymous May 12, 2:45
"...when I adjust to his requirements..."

What happens if his requirements change? Do you adjust and adjust some more, and when that isn't good enough, adjust again?

Where are you in this relationship? Relationships are two people coming together, side by side, hand in hand; not one person making the rules and the other adjusting themselves to fit a mold. I've done it (I take that back, I've tried to do it), it doesn't work.

I read this little thing once that went like this: If you are in love with two people, chose the 2nd because if it was true love with the 1st, there wouldn't have been a 2nd.

Ms. Mirror is right, and regret really sucks! ;)

Anonymous said...

Thank you, I´ll focus on the second man and see where it´ll lead. You´re right. This is a great blog, I´m glad I´ve found it.

Anonymous said...

Hello Aphrodite of Mirrors. I need help deciphering who dumped who in my scenario with a guy who i've been seeing on and off since July 2011.

We fell out last Christmas and did not speak to each other for 2 months before reuniting in February 2013, when i told him i loved him. At first he responded positively and things were still good for the rest of February and all of March.

Then out of the blue in early April, we were talking on whatsapp about random stuff (like our favourite music) and he asked me to listen to a tune with the title "love love love". I listened to it and told him that i hope one day he will dedicate that tune to me. He then proceeded to tell me that although it was nice to know that i love him, he needs to be honest with me in telling me that i am an amazing woman but he does not feel the same way about me (eg love).

I thanked him for his honesty and asked him if this was his way of saying he does not want to see me anymore and to my surprise he said he still wanted to see me but just felt he shouldn't mislead me.

I then told him that i will not continue to see him, given the fact he has said he does not love me. I told him (in a calm and dignified manner) that i am a Queen regardless, even if i am not HIS Queen, and i told him that i wont waste anymore time on him. He accepted this by saying "you're perfectly right" then we stopped texting each other for the night.

The next morning i became angry and enraged. I lost my dignified stance and sent him a few angry texts, accusing him of using me and stringing me along for all this time. I told him that that he should've had the balls to have a face to face conversation with me instead of via whatsapp, and i told him that he should've had the manners to tell me he didn't love me back in February, after he heard me declare my love for him (instead he kept seeing me for two further months before declaring in April he did not love me back).

Naturally, he denied using me and an argument ensued where he ended up blocking me on whatsapp so i couldn't send him anymore texts. Consequently i cannot see his profile picture.

Even now I am still blocked and we haven't reached out to each other since that argument in early April.

So who dumped who? Me or him? Also, do you think i will eventually hear from him again? We have a history of "on again off again" but its usually me who reaches out to him. This time though i am determined not to (and i don't want him back anyway) but i am curious as to whether or not he will attempt to circle round? We never saw the end coming.

Thanks for reading this.
From Sharpy

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"So who dumped who? Me or him?"

"I then told him that i will not continue to see him"

Sounds like you dumped him dear.

"Also, do you think i will eventually hear from him again? We have a history of "on again off again" but its usually me who reaches out to him."

Sounds like you were the one that was keeping this going and based on that, I imagine that you'd need to be the one to continue to keep it going.

"i am curious as to whether or not he will attempt to circle round?"

Only time will tell.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"could he seriously be "done" with me in less than 2 weeks?!"

I don't think he's done with you, I think he may have decided not to pursue a romantic relationship with you.

"I don't understand what to do, here."

Don't do anything for the time being, just give things some time to iron out and return to normal. Don't panic or it could cause further trouble.

"I at least want to salvage our friendship out of this, can I still do this with no contact?"

No, I wouldn't do that if you intend to remain friends and feel that can happen without you secretly wanting more. I would place a little time and space between the two of you and simply let things play out.

"I just don't get it, he pursued me, and he KNOWS me, and I know him, how does this happen?"

He may have regretted taking this friendship into romantic territory because once it reached romantic territory, he may have decided that he didn't want a romantic relationship with you.

It happens and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't control others, you can only control your reaction. If the friendship is as strong as you say it is, then it will weather this storm given the proper time and space.

Anonymous said...

Hello again Mirror of Aphrodite, its Sharpy here. Thanks so much for answering my post. I really appreciate it.

I am glad you clarified that it was actually ME who dumped HIM, lol (even though i "feel" like i've been dumped by his rejection - as in not being loved and also him blocking me from contacting him after or argument).

Correct me if i am wrong, but what i have understood from your answer is this: Even though i was the one who technically dumped him, he is unlikely to go through a thinking process and come to a conclusion that he's been a jerk (as described in your article)and he's unlikely to contact me (even if he misses me) because i have always been the one to reach out to him first in the past?

Are you saying that no matter how long i stay in no contact, he will never be the one to change up the pattern (for once) and initiate contact in order to keep it going?

What i failed to say in my last post is that he admitted to "having feelings for me" and that he "loves being in my company". He just never called his feelings "love".

By the way Mirror, you're very wise and i definitely understood what i did wrong with this man in the past. I should have NEVER told him i loved him (in the absence of him saying it first) and i should have NEVER initiated contact in past reunions. Lesson learned!

From Sharpy

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Anything is possible dear, nothing is set in stone and there are no guarantees in life. Only his interest level will truly tell.

A genuinely interested man will pursue the object of his desire. A half interested man will make one or two weak attempts and then he'll move on.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror of Aphrodite,
I enjoy reading your answers and though I am in my sixties, I think I will appreciate your help.

I am a widow and for several months I have been meeting a very decent man, a bachelor, former university professor, very well-read, knowledgeable and a true gentleman. He is tall, slim, fit and looks good for his age. I am not ugly either. At least I guess I still am, I used to be a beauty in the past.

Well, we have been seeing each other for quite long, he usually talks and I listen. The thing is, I am physically attracted to him but he is, I am not sure how to put it, he is a bit awkward in this respect, you know what I mean. He will talk for hours on any subject including erotica, but in practice, at least when with me, no real deeds.

Well, it´s not a real problem actually, because I am glad to have him in my life and enjoy his pleasant company. However, I can´t stop thinking about his intimate life and potential "skills", you know how I mean it.

What is your view of my experience? Do you think he is not interested in me as a woman? Or is it possible he is absorbed in his intellect so deeply that he doesn´t care about beauty around him? Would you suggest anything I could do to make him behave more like a man? Please write honestly and openly what your opinion is, I will be very glad to hear your view. Thank you very much and continue doing your great job. God bless you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 19, 3:51 PM,
"I used to be a beauty in the past."

As I'm sure you still are ;-)

"What is your view of my experience? Do you think he is not interested in me as a woman? Or is it possible he is absorbed in his intellect so deeply that he doesn´t care about beauty around him?"

Have you considered that, given his age, there's a potential for ED (erectile dysfunction) here? I'm not saying that's the case, however, in many instances - it is. And when it is, many men hold back on advances.

"Would you suggest anything I could do to make him behave more like a man?"

Regretfully, one cannot control the actions of another individual, one can only control their reaction to them.

It is possible that there's an "issue" here holding this man back. If that's the case, more time together is going to need to be spent in order for him to feel comfortable enough to confide that in you and trust that in the event he does make an advance and fails to perform, you won't embarrass him over it but rather, you'll be understanding of it and willing to work around it or through it with him.

Anonymous said...

Hello MoA,
I liked your advice to Anonymous May 19, 3:51 PM. Actually, I have a similar problem, but we are a bit younger, in our 5Os. We get on well, meet once a week, but no physical expression on his side, just talk. So, as I understand from your reply to the previous post, there is nothing I can do to prompt him to show some physical affection, right? Isn´t it a pity, one finally finds a good match, but this aspect is missing. :-( Thanks for all your blog, it´s awesome!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Unfortunately dear, there's really not anything a woman can do to compel a man to act on an attraction if one exists. Men are naturally compelled to do so by the laws of Mother Nature - and you can't mess with Mother Nature, LOL ;-)

Naturally, hints can be dropped or insinuations can be made. But honestly, those types of things can give a man the wrong impression about a woman and that can backfire. I really do believe men should lead and women should submit in relationships. I don't mean to roll over and play dead - I'm simply referring to the old fashioned ways of doing things, the tried and true ways of tradition as these traditions fit our natural gender roles.

And what happens nine times out of ten (as seen in the comments on this site), when a woman advances, the man retreats. It doesn't feel natural to a man to be pursued. They like to be and/or feel in control.

One can always try to use body language to convey messages rather than spoken language, but that too must be subtle.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror... I enjoyed reading this article..very good info. So.. I'm having issues with this guy that has pulled the ole disappearing and reappearing act a few times. We met back in November of last year and everything seemed to be going good. Then after a month he starts acting up (I wouldn't hear from him for a few days at a time, then he would send a random txt and say "Hey funny actor" or "Wyd" and I would always reply right away..smh). Anyway, I'm finally at the point where I'm tired and decided to implement the No Contact rule. So on Mother's Day I received a txt from him saying Happy Mother's Day and at first I wasn't going to respond but I thought that would be rude so I said Thanks..how are u? Well, he didn't respond so I decided not to reach out anymore. Then last night (almost two weeks later) at 11pm, he send a txt saying... "Can I have some..lol". I was like WTF!! but DID NOT RESPOND. That was just so disrespectful, I started to curse him out but decided not to entertain him. At this point, I've lost what little respect I did have for him and now I just want to get back at him and teach him a real good lesson. Do you have any suggestions? BTW.. I'm a Taurus and he's a Rude, Sarcastic Sagg. lol

Anonymous said...


I'm just puzzled.. not sure why he would send a txt like that to me. Maybe he meant to send it to someone else or just testing the waters..idk.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 25, 1:12 PM,
"I thought that would be rude so I said Thanks..how are u? Well, he didn't respond"

Never be considerate to a man that isn't considerate of you. This man disappeared on you several times in the past. You don't reward bad behavior with consideration and attention.

You don't worry about him and his feelings and what he thinks of you. Instead, you worry about yourself, and what YOU THINK OF HIM.

"I just want to get back at him and teach him a real good lesson. Do you have any suggestions?"

The best revenge - is doing well dear :-)

Implement no contact (and NO RESPONSE).

"I'm just puzzled.. not sure why he would send a text like that to me."

You shouldn't be puzzled dear. He's already shown you his character by disappearing several times in the past - this is just a manifestation of it.

"Maybe he meant to send it to someone else"

Nope. Don't give him the benefit of doubt, he doesn't deserve it. As well, giving him the benefit of doubt is why he's been able to disappear/reappear several times already.

Bad behavior deserves consequences (no contact, no response), not rewards (your attention):


When your child misbehaves, you don't reward it with love and affection that reinforces the bad behavior. Instead, the child receives a consequence, which reinforces that the behavior is unacceptable.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA! :-) I will do just what u suggested. Thanks again for the advice.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA, I love your blog, it´s great. My question is what I should do or how I should behave when I want to make the man move the relationship forward. We´ve been together for four months, we met online, and we still aren´t exclusive. We haven´t had sex yet because I thought the relationship would develop and later I would feel safer with him, which hasn´t happened so far. He is still active on a dating site. He told me he didn´t meet those women and explained that he was there because our relationship wasn´t moving forward, meaning no sex. The problem is I don´t feel completely safe with him so I don´t have sex with him and on the other hand I feel he doesn´t feel good about me because I don´t give him sex, which he wants very much. Shall I distance myself from him to see what he will do? I am even contemplating leaving him for good because I feel this isn´t going anywhere. He has never disappeared but a few times he´s excused himself and we weren´t in contact for some days or a week. I don´t know what he does when we aren´t together, he doesn´t speak about it much. In general, I don´t know much about him though I have noticed that he has started to slowly open up. In those cases when he excused himself I sometimes got hurt and offended, we quarrelled and after the quarrel I resumed contact. Which I shouldn´t have, now I know. Please give me some advice. Do you think there is a chance or it is doomed? Thank you very much.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, May 25, 5:09 PM,
"what I should do or how I should behave when I want to make the man move the relationship forward"

This isn't an option dear. You cannot control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. You cannot make a man love you or want to be in a relationship with you. He has to WANT to do that himself.

"He told me he didn´t meet those women and explained that he was there because our relationship wasn´t moving forward, meaning no sex."

That's manipulation. He's "threatening" you with the prospect of other women in an attempt to get you to sleep with him and he's using guilt to do it.

It's a HUGE RED FLAG when a man bases his ENTIRE reason for being with you and moving the relationship forward on SEX. If he truly cared, he'd want to move the relationship forward regardless of whether or not he had sex with you - because he'd like YOU, the person, not YOU, the BODY (for sex).

"I feel he doesn´t feel good about me because I don´t give him sex, which he wants very much."

That's because he's making you feel guilty about it, he's manipulating you. He wants you to feel guilty for not sleeping with him and he's using it as an EXCUSE for not moving the relationship forward.


"Shall I distance myself from him to see what he will do?"

Absolutely. Protect yourself here because he's preying upon you for sex.

"I am even contemplating leaving him for good because I feel this isn´t going anywhere."

That's what I would do.

"a few times he´s excused himself and we weren´t in contact for some days or a week."

That's because he was most likely dating other women at the time. "He is still active on a dating site."

"I don´t know what he does when we aren´t together, he doesn´t speak about it much."

That's because he's dating other women.

"Do you think there is a chance or it is doomed?"

I think he's out to use you for sex dear. And once he receives it, there's a very high likelihood that he'll disappear. He's basing the entire relationship on SEX - BIG RED FLAG.

If I were you, I'd dump him. I'd call him out and I'd tell him that you know he's manipulating you and that he doesn't really like you as a person, he only wants sex. Because if he liked you as a person, he'd move forward with the relationship and he'd wait until you were ready for sex.

And then I'd implement no contact, no response, and I'd move on.

Anonymous said...

Thank you MOA very much for your advice, it has opened my eyes and I have already done what you suggested, which means I´ve sent him a text saying that I feel he´s been manipulating me, and now I will do NC. It hurts because I´ve already got attached to him but you are right, he is manipulative and I want an honest man who I can trust. Thank you again very much indeed.

Vee said...

Hi Mirror it's Vee:
Have a real winner for you. Gave an online guy my number after a couple of weeks of back and forth emails. I played it cool and waited in between replies for a day or two each time so he would be more interested by the time he did get hold of me.
OMGosh! This guy starts selling himself! His job now and how he had a company (and says that if he found a new partner that would be viable again - he's a trucker used to be independent and could do day trips makes it seem like he was now doing more long haul). Talks about his diplomas but then admits that he had to take several classes over again because he had to withdraw (can't keep commitment or motivation). Tells me he plays guitar and a bunch of other talents (later when he asked about my hobbies and I play guitar admits that his is more of a decoration in his living room).
All the time we were talking it's all fast pitch hard sell. He would ask me about something in my life and then sell how much that thing was something that he did or valued. A fishing expedition of the most blatant kind. He talked of a future for us and I said but I don't even know you... He was funny and charming (and of course I was very funny and charming). He started talking of getting together and things we could do - but starting at his home like I should drive out there... Nothing too obvious all implied. In fact most of what he said was implied all meant to hook me into a fantasy relationship, all of it BS of the things women want to hear. When I remarked about the distance he mapped it and started to tell me how easy it would be to drive there and then asked me how I would drive if I were going to come. (This seemed to me like a manipulation tactic - make it sound easy then assume that I was coming and putting it into my head that I would be coming?) Saying I could come along with him on his work trucking trips and he had a cab to sleep in and we could travel together and see things together. It was pretty weird but I can see how someone that really was longing for a guy that was serious about a relationship would think this sounded like a real man with real intentions because he wanted a relationship and thought I was so special.
Anyway, long story sort I've been doing so much learning from this site and about controlling, manipulating, narcissistic men and other red flag player tactics that I'm finally seeing the red flags and NOT giving the benefit of my doubt but listening to my gut which says this guy is pushing too hard and it is NOT flattering. I'm not that special that some guy would fall instantly in love with me from a profile pic and a few emails.
Thank you Mirror for the articles you've published and ladies for your stories posted here. I feel more confident in identifying the weird stuff. Before I could identify and label the stuff I second guessed myself - thinking it FELT weird but going along because I wanted more clues or to understand. Now I understand more and feel confident of running away from bad situations without risking myself trying to figure out why this guy triggers doubt before he's hooked me.

KK said...

I am now on a few dating sites and have been talking to a few new men. Quick question about one of them though and I didn't know where exactly to post it.
There hasn't been much communication between us, it's only been a few days (he initiated everything - I didn't lift a finger - felt good!)
The messages so far have been "Hey, how's your day going?" "How you doing?" and then I got a message from him last night and his first real question about me was "What do you do for a living?" - I know this is sorta typical(these questions are pretty normal), but for that to be the first question or the first thing you're curious about? It kind of comes off as 'judgy' to me, like somehow i'll be judged solely based on what kind of work I do or how much I might make? I don't like that. It doesn't 'define' me.
My gut said 'that's weird'.
Mirror, what do you think of this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's too soon to tell dear. That's a very "generic" question and a common one, particularly for opening lines, when online dating. So I wouldn't give it too much weight right now.

And this is where long term observation comes in. If he continues to poke around about what you do, how much you make, etc. - then I'd give it a bit more weight.

But if he just asks general questions and doesn't dig for personal information (like come right out and ask how much you make), and he also asks questions about other aspects of your life, then it's okay.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, thank you for your amazing site. I´ve been reading it for quite some time and I´ve understood so much about dating! I have a problem too. I don´t know where to post my question, so sorry if this isn´t the right place.

I met a man online a few months ago. First there were sparks, on my side definitely, it was almost love at first sight for me, I am saying almost because I was super cautious when we met due to my previous experiences so I didn´t allow my feelings to overcome me. I am not sure how he felt about me back then. We started going out, he was consistent, and I gradually started considering him as a potential partner. The problem is that although we get on well as friends, my initial spark isn´there anymore. I just can´t figure out why. I am in my forties and in the past when I went to bed with somebody, I had to feel those sparks and be passionate about the man. The relationships weren´t successful though and all ended.This man has a long term potential and I don´t want to lose him. I know I like him a lot, he is stable, supportive, an oasis of security in my life and I feel he is in love with me although he hasn´t declared his love yet, so maybe I am wrong??? My emotions oscillate between liking him as a friend and a little bit more than one. But when he doesn´t contact me for a while I start to miss him and seek him out myself, I genuinely miss him a lot. However, when he is back, I am happy but after a while take him a little for granted and feel guilty about it. Please what´s your opinion? I wouldn´t like to hurt him and I like him very much but I miss that passionate feeling which actually led me to unhappiness and sadness in the past. Now I am almost 50. Do you think it would be wise to compromise? Never before have I met such a perfect man but I don´t want to make him feel unwanted and unhappy as he is very sensitive and he feels how I feel. What to do, please help. Thanks a lot.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You need to stick this out and give this man the opportunity to make your happy or you're going to regret losing him.

He's not the problem here dear, YOU are.

Let me explain. You, yourself admit that sparks drive your attraction - and you're associating them with passion, which they are, but I feel that you're also associating them with love and/or emotions at some point.

Sparks are sparks dear - sexual attraction only. Nothing more, nothing less. And it takes a lot more than sparks to make a relationship work, as you've already found out. If you base your entire feelings for a man on spark alone, it basically amounts to objectifying him in a sense, much like women do to men - by basing their entire attraction to the woman on sex alone.

You're associating your entire depth of attraction to a man solely on sex alone, which as you can see - is going to lead you nowhere as it's a shallow attraction. And those types of situations take off like a blazing inferno - and die off just as quickly. Why? Because it was a shallow relationship based solely upon sex.

If him doing nice things for you doesn't spark something inside of you, some sort of attraction to him from you, then I'm sorry to say dear, but you're being shallow and your attractions are also shallow :-(

As a woman, it should turn you on that a man does nice things for you, that he's sensitive to you and your needs. If it doesn't, then I fear that you're caught up in dysfunctional relationship patterns via the habit of basing your relationships entirely on sex - sparks. Sparks signify lust, sexual desire, sexual passion (there's other types of passion as well), sexual objectification and basically - everything sex.

There should be other things, qualities and attributes about a man, that also trigger passion and interest and attraction inside of you. If that depth isn't there dear, then all that's left are shallow attractions :-(

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think you do like this man on other levels but you're not giving those levels as much weight of importance as you give to levels of "spark:"

"I gradually started considering him as a potential partner."

"we get on well as friends"

"This man has a long term potential"

"I don´t want to lose him"

"when he doesn´t contact me for a while I start to miss him and seek him out myself, I genuinely miss him a lot."

"when he is back, I am happy"

"I like him very much"

"Never before have I met such a perfect man"

The passion is there, but it's passion on other levels besides sexual. But because you give so much weight to sexual attractions, you're missing the bigger picture and additional attractions here. You're so used to basing things on the sexual aspect alone that now that you've gone and met yourself a "keeper," you're old patterns are resurfacing and you're seeking the comfortable dysfunction of a shallow sexual attraction alone.

I'm not calling you shallow, what I'm trying to say here is that you're experiencing other feelings here, but it's your old pattern of behavior and expectations that you're really fighting. Your old pattern of attraction, the pattern that's comfortable to you, is sexual. And this is your mind's way of attempting to steer you back to the comfort of old patterns, be they healthy ones or not - they're still what's comfortable for you, they're still what feels "normal" to you. As a result, your mind is seeking them out and missing the big picture here.

Just some food for thought. I do believe you have a sexual attraction to this man or you wouldn't have slept with him most likely. And the problem is that your sexual attraction to him is taking a back seat right now because finally - you've met someone who has more to offer you than just sex. So your mind is taking all of that in and as it does, the sexual attraction is being minimized because of all the other potential attractions here attempting to get recognized.

Just take that in and reflect on it a bit and see if you can relate to any of that in the next few days :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I am Anonymous who wrote the prvious post. Tnak you very much for your eye opening advice. It´s unbelievable how right you are in most things you wrote. I must admit I may be a little shallow, or rather not so much shallow as immature in certain aspects. I don´t know if this is the main problem. Perhaps he isn´t the right match for me, I am not sure. He has let me know he likes traditional, maternal women and I am not that sort. Well, to a certain degree I am, but I guess far from his dream woman. I can´t even cook very well, to be honest. He expects a woman to be a good cook, housekeeper, etc. I can do all these things but they don´t particularly interst me. I have told him who I am, I haven´t pretended in any ways. He seems to have accepted that. Now that I am writin this I realise that I am afraid I am or will not be good enough for him. Also, I am afraid that in the future he might exert pressure on me to become more like his ideal woman. Can´t it be that my sexual desire has diminished so dramatically because I feel some pressure from him to be who I am not? Honestly, I´ve been feeling like a bit inferior woman all the time since we met, but he´s been very nice and attentive, helpful and eevrything, so I started to blame myself. I would like to ask you what you think about this. To sum up, I am not a traditional woman he would like to have, but I conside myself an honest, sincere person. It seems he takes my good qualities for granted and focuses on those which I don´t possess. Perhaps you will write something more to me, I am not sure what I should ask. I have doubts we aren´t a match. Thank you for all your blog, it´s really very helpful.I am going to read it through.

Anonymous said...

Hi anonymous, I read what you said and also MOA's response. I am a lot like you and I found her response interesting and very correct as I do often agree with most of what is said here.

My concern for you is your fear. Don't focus on your fear. This man likes you , you even mentioned you suspected he might be in love with you. Focus on that. True, you do need him to tell you on his own when he is ready. Seems meanwhile he is showing you with his actions.

You say you are not maternal, or a cook or a "domestic goddess" type. But you know, that is ok. People have types and checklists and when they like someone, those things can become unimportant.

You seem to be worried about why he might reject you now that you think he might really be "the one". Don't do this. You deserve a good man , do you believe that?

Just be the loving ,caring, introspective , intelligent, honest, sincere person you are. Those character / personality traits should be more important.

And most importantly, do NOT focus on your fears. The man seems to be showing he cares for you. Focus on that and continue being open to falling in love with him. I'm happy for you.

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous June 25, 11:56 AM
Many thanks for your response and supportive words. You are correct. I am the one who is potentially damaging to the relationship and the reason is exactly as you wrote, my fear and doubts. You know, this is the first time in my life I have been with someone who is really caring. loyal and reliable and I have to get used to it, learn to accept it as naturally as possible since it´s a new experience for me. As you wrote, I am not going to focus on my fears because I am determined to use this chance life has finally offered. Thank you again for your encouragement. I hope you find your happiness in love too. (-:

Unknown said...

Hello! wanted to know if divorced men are reluctant to date or are they guarded about their feelings?

I'm separated soon to be divorced. He is divorced for 3 years. I like him a lot, and he has told me that he wants more, but never pursues. He told me he was involved with a friend, but it didn't work out, and don't want to risk losing my friendship.

He continues to stay in touch. There are times when we don't text for months. Why is he staying in touch when he doesn't seem interested? He has complimented me and is always encouraging.

I have always mirrored his behavior. If he doesn't text, I don't text. He doesn't share his feelings, neither do I, but I'm kind and don't integrate when I haven't heard from him in a while. So what is my friend thinking. Thanks, Anonymous

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"wanted to know if divorced men are reluctant to date or are they guarded about their feelings?"

That depends on the individual, there's no way to predict how someone is going to be affected.

"Why is he staying in touch when he doesn't seem interested?"

Because he wants to be your friend, "don't want to risk losing my friendship."

"So what is my friend thinking."

There's no way to tell, particularly without a particular occurrence taking place.

Anonymous said...

Coincidentally, I have had a divorced friend for a couple of months who has been behaving similarly. He supports me when I need help although I don´t need it very often. I guess he wants to have somebody to rely on and turn to in case of need too. I also think that simultaneously he is looking for somebody who would fulfil his desires better than I do. At first, I hoped our relationship would deepen but I have given up hope now. At least I have a friend, or rather, an acquaintance.

1skater12 said...

Hello MOA

My divorced friend has told me that he wants more, he's attracted to me, and he thinks about me. This was his response when asked what is his interest in me. I asked him this question because he stays in touch, gives wonderful compliments, and encouraging.

If he's being honest about his feelings, why is he holding back?
He says he values our friendship but yet at times he flirts.

Staying in touch has become fewer and far between. Perhaps, he's avoiding me or dating. I really miss spending time with his daughter.
We were beginning to bond.

So, do you think he truly wants friendship, playing emotional games, or want something serious? Thanks

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's too soon to tell. You're going to have to pay less attention to his WORDS and more attention to his ACTIONS here instead.

Actions speak much louder than words ;-)

Anonymous said...

You offer very insightful advice on the rubber band theory. My question is I am dating a very strong & perceptive Aries male, who will catch on to my mirroring his actions...what do I say if he calls me on it?!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You say whatever you need to say at the moment. . .you were busy, you saw it but then had something to do first - you say whatever you have to say.

You don't have to answer to him dear. He doesn't own you. And if he's treating you poorly, it's none of his business anyway. Use whatever excuses he throws at you if you have to.

Anonymous said...

I have meet this guy a year ago. We stumbled against each other a 6 mo later and he invited me for coffee. We have been meeting about 4 times a month due to his frequent job travel.When I am with him he is always pleasant, always pays for dinners and tickets if we attend performances. He never pushed me for anything beyond what I allowed and I gave in about 3mo into dating.After our dates he never calls and usually leaves for his trip and then re-appears and text me like 3-4 days later saying he misses me and thinking of me and cant wait to get back to see me. He usually has 2 or for days in between trips. I see him one day out of 2 or 2 out of 4. this week we had 2 evenings scheduled and went out day before yesterday and yesterday he texts and cancels 10 min before the date saying his mom is in a car accident and she is well but he has to take care of the whole thing. Never calls today to excuse himself. I feel weird. every time we are together it is wonderful and very pressure free, but EVERY time he leaves I always wonder why will he not contact more and why is he so unemotional. I do not know what to do. I see a pattern of disappearing, then coming back and wagging his tale and repeat again. I am in a middle of nasty divorce and he provides nice time off away from all my problems. As we started dating all I wanted is an hour away from my family and a cup of coffee in a pleasant company. I liked the fact that he is not pushing me into something more and does not demand commitment. However,as we started to be intimate our emotional commitment is not getting any progress from where we were 6 mo ago. I start wondering as I get more into the relationship about his lack of attention to me and that bothers me. I tried to explain to him once that his disappearing is poorly understood by me and I do not favor a virtual relationship that consists of texts only. He smiled, said he was busy and tried calling me twice after that reverting back to his texting behavior. I do not wish to get back to this subject and show him that it bothers me. I do not know what to do. I mirror his behavior - one text in exchange for one.If he initiates text I make it as long as his or shorter , if I text he always happy to respond. But the feeling of uncertainty of where this is going bothers me and I do not know how to test it to see if there is anything more to that than just a booty call?? I can't say I gave in too fast I had him wait 3 mo until I was ready and he respected that but what is happening now I can not understand. any advise?? Thank you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 19, 11:05PM,
"I do not know how to test it to see if there is anything more to that than just a booty call??"

You walk away from him dear, you pull way back. You DON'T respond to his texts and calls and you see if HE amps up his efforts and pursues YOU as a result. You wait and see if HE initiates a "talk" as a result.

If he does not - you have your answer.

"but what is happening now I can not understand."

Well you don't really need him to spell it out for you dear. You don't need to hear it in WORDS - you base YOUR decision about HIM on his ACTIONS instead.

It's been six months and he's not moving the relationship forward. That "says" something. It's been six months and his treatment is not getting any better. That "says" something. It's been six months and he's perfectly okay with continuing this way. That "says" something.

Are you "hearing" what he's "saying?"

When a relationship reaches this stage, you don't wait on the man to decide your future. Instead, you take control of your happiness and YOU decide that this is NOT working for YOU. Who cares what HE thinks, who cares what HE wants - what do YOU want? And is HE giving that to YOU? Can he make YOU happy? Is he trying to make YOU happy?

No. So what are YOU going to do about it?

The choice is YOURS dear, not HIS. He has shown you the best he has to offer. If it is not making you happy, then YOU need to decide what to do next, not HIM - ya' know?

It's time for YOU to make a tough decision - but a WISE one for YOURSELF. No more waiting. Take control dear.

1skater12 said...

I have been separated for a year and divorced for 2 months. My girlfriend and I decided to try online dating.It has been 2 months since I've joined.I know it's only been a few months, but I'm beginning to notice a pattern. Keep in mind, I never initiate contact with a guy,I wait for the guy to make the fist move. When guys contact me or show interest, they will email for a couple of days or more, and then communication stops. They claim they like my profile and the pictures I posted.

My question is why guys initiate contact if they are not interested? I believe that your profile gives guys enough information about who you are. It allows them enough time to think about the person they are interested in before contacting them. So why send me a smile, wink, instant message or an email if your plan is to stay in contact for a couple of days.

I've asked other guys to give me their opinion about my profile,they all like it. I was told to change a few things, which I did. Are other women having the same experience?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

That's par for the course dear when dating online:


You find that men are easily distracted, "so many women, so little time" - and that many of them are there for text friendships and fast hookups and not a true relationship. Online dating draws lazy men to it in droves and, as a result, you have to filter through a lot of men, because a lot of the men there are well. . .lazy and seeking the easy way out. So the girls that invite these men over, suggest immediate dates, tolerate poor treatment and go into it very naive - tend to easily distract these types dear. When lazy men encounter a real woman, it appears to be too much work for them (i.e. you didn't throw yourself at them by the second email, LOL ;-)

It's not you - it's the nature of the beast, that's all. For every 10 men you exchange an email with on there, expect to date one. And for every 10 men you date from there, expect one to make it to a third date or more. You've got to keep your eyes peeled for hidden gems there, because there are good men there. Problem is, they get drowned out by the droves of lazy men there.

So when online dating, it's not something you can do for a month or so and expect to get anything from. For women, I'd say to really give it a chance, you have to spend at least six months there - to meet 1-3 decent men.

Basically, it's a time investment and you have to go into eyes wide open if ya' know what I mean ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

can you tell me why you think it takes 6months to meet someone decent online. Playing devils advocate surely they could come along at anytime? So just interested in your theory of the 6mth thing...

Thank you

1skater12 said...

Thanks for your encouragement. I know it takes time to meet a nice guy. I guess it's pure entertainment for a lot of men on these sites. I'll try to hang on for 6 months but will need a tough skin to survive. Lol

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 23, 6:11PM,
I explained why it generally takes 6 months to meet a decent man (not just any man - a DECENT man) online.

"Online dating draws lazy men to it in droves and, as a result, you have to filter through a lot of men, because a lot of the men there are well. . .lazy and seeking the easy way out."

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Yeah those places are full of men that are not decent;) So why the six months, would be the time for someone decent to come all along. Have you got to do your time on there before the universe brings forth a decent man? What's the theory?


Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror of Aprodite

I had this wonderful, intense relationship with a man, older than me by 4 years. From day one he pursued me, and we became an official couple one week later. He came to my mom's bday at my house, met my friends, introduced me to his coworkers and friends also (he's from France, so his family is not here). We were like 2 peas in a pod; going everywhere together, walking hand in hand, spending our wkds together, partying, going out for dinner, staying in watching movies, it was paradise. The part that started to go wrong was at month 3, after this birthday. I spend the wkd at his house, went out with him and his friends to party and went to work. I tried to call and msg him this week but got very simple, uninvolved, replies (for example I called him on his bday, and he never answered but replied "sorry I missed you call"). He never called me back. I called him again 2 days later. No reply! Of course I started to freak out with my mind thinking of all the awful possibilities. I contacted him again 1 wk later asking if everything was ok. He replied 'ya I know we didn't speak in a long time, I just needed space. I like you very much and want to keep seeing you but for shorter time. I still want to be with you'. I replied 'ok, wish you had told me in person'. So the next day he asked me if we were going to see each other during the wkd!?'. I said yes, so we did hang out the full day, I didn't bring appropriate clothes, so let lent me his, rented me a bike and spent all day as a couple riding around on the bike. There was PDA, we picniqued together, and I brought up our problems as a couple. We talked about it and I thought they were resplved. I went home happy as hell, called him a few days later- again no reply. In my head I had enough of this hot/cold act from him. By the end of the week I sent him a text asking if he wants to be with me? If so we cannot not talk for a week, something must be wrong. Still no reply. So the next day I went to his house and broke up with him. His défense to why he hadn't spoken to me was that he was a "coward". I'm so disgusted it boiled down to this pathetic excuse. Please help me Aprodite. I'm so hurt inside; we went from such an intense beautiful relationship, to a train wreck. I look back over our relationship and I don't see any outward signs of him being unhappy, of him not loving me, that for him to say he was a coward to tell me he was unhappy, when I just saw him a few days before, and for him to reply to my textt message the first time he dissappered that he wanted to be with me, but just needed space, makes no sense to me. I feel like I've lost the love of my life. Does he feel the same? Will he be back? What went wrong?

Thank you

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 24, 7:38AM,
"So why the six months, would be the time for someone decent to come all along."

Because ""Online dating draws lazy men to it in droves and, as a result, you have to filter through a lot of men, because a lot of the men there are well. . .lazy and seeking the easy way out."

Tiff720 said...

M.O.A... So I've met this guy on-line this past Friday. We hit if off and have been communicating since. He is looking for someone to marry. He seems to be a nice guy. He has told me that he wants to kiss me, I too, but we have not dated much yet. Before I give into kissing him, I want to be sure that I am respecting myself and not moving too fast. I can say that their is definitely some chemistry there... Our first meet was at a restuarant bar (don't considered to be a date or should I?)Coincidently, he lives in the same apartment complex as I and knows my neighbor. I like him and it seems he likes me as well. That said, I know a man is to pursue the woman; however,

How should I tell him or express to him that we have to date more before a kiss is shared?

What are some suggestions you can offer to get him to pursue me (chase) especially since we live in the same apartment complex but we work different hours?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 26, 11:44AM,
"How should I tell him or express to him that we have to date more before a kiss is shared?"

You don't tell him and you don't explain yourself to him at all. If you do that, he'll bolt as it amounts to "pressuring" to men.

You don't have to explain yourself to him at all or attempt to tell him how to date you. You simply refuse the kiss when/if he attempts it and you tell him that you need more time to get to know him.

That's all he needs to know.

"What are some suggestions you can offer to get him to pursue me (chase) especially since we live in the same apartment complex but we work different hours?"

You can't "get him to pursue" you dear. He has to WANT to do that. And if he doesn't, then you pass him over as an option. Because the only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested in her or not - is to see if HE pursues HER.

And if he doesn't, then he's only half interested and that's your cue to move on.

If you stay with a half interested man and/or you pursue him and take the lead, hoping to change his mind - that will backfire. He WILL sleep with you - but then he will also disappear shortly afterwards.


Because he wasn't that interested to begin with - and his actions were already signaling that.

Tiff720 said...

Ok to make sure I am clear, if the man is interested, asisde from the "Good morning" text messages, he initates the contact, arranges for dates, invites himself when he asks of my plans and etc? Am I right?

My neighbor, myself and the guy I met online ran into each the other day. I was coming out of my place. Now that he knows exactly where I live, we all chatted a while. Then the online guy asked me to take a picture with him. I was shocked that he wanted a picture with him in his phone. It made me blush! He told me this morning how he kept looking at the picture and so I asked for him to send me the picture and he did. Is this a pursue, does this shows that he is interested?

He did ask of my plans for the upcoming holiday, I told him that I'm not sure and what's up. He invited me to hang with him.I agreed.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

That INCLUDES the good morning text messages dear. I do not advocate doing that with men as:

1) It is the female initiating communication first thing in the morning (when instead, HE should be pursuing YOU.)

2) It amounts to "relationship" communication. So if a woman begins initiating contact every morning insinuating that the situation is headed into "relationship" territory fast - many men feel pressured and will pull back from that after a while.

And here is a man that wrote a good piece on that very topic for women, it's titled, "Don't Initiate Contact:"


And a "good morning" text - is you initiating contact.

"Is this a pursue, does this shows that he is interested?"

Avoid reading into every little move a man makes. It's not necessary and will only confuse you.

All you need to focus on in the early days is:

1) He initiates contact with you regularly and stays in touch.

2) He invites you out for dates (OUT for dates, not an invite to sit on his/your sofa).

3) He remains consistent, reliable and stable in his behavior towards you (calling when he says he will, staying in touch regularly, etc.)

And that's it. If he does all 3 above and continues to do so over an extended period of time (a month or more), then you're in a good place with him :-)

Tiff720 said...

Oh no.... i don't ever initiate the "good morning" text messages. Sometiems I respond to them and sometimes I don't. You mentioned it's only a statement & doesn't warrant a reply... However, I did contact him yesterday afternoon after leaving church service to ask him about a poker game he invited me to join him with the night before. During our conversation, I mentioned that I was preparing some food and need to go to the grocery store. He invited himself and I picked him up since I was driving. As we're shopping for the things I need and he shopped for the things he needed, he asked me the kind of wine I drinked. I showed him. He told me that he would like to keep a bottle of wine that I like at his place when I come over.He paid for my groceries and his. He asked if I could prepare an additional pack of chicken since that's what I was cooking on the grill. I didn't mind, but should I had? Was he being forward? It actually felt like we were already in a relationship, just shopping & talking. It felt good, but I was a little skeptical of his motives.

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA and ladies :)
I’ve read every single article on here, and every comment on the disappearing/reappearing man. I was first introduced to this site in Nov 2012 when a man disappeared on me. I used Mirror’s advice and he reappeared twenty something days later, only to seem “half interested”, so I kept going out and having fun. A month later when I was ignoring him he begged me to drive to my house and have a talk, only now I had met someone new and was no longer interested! So mirror’s advice works girls!

Anyway, that someone new, he’s a Leo and I’m a Gemini, we dated for about six months. Did all the right things at first. Then he got a little lazy after the two month mark, meaning, dinner dates in but I didn't mind because he cooked, lol. He said at the last weekend in May that he wanted to bring me on a fourth of July trip to his family's cabin. He also said he wanted to take me several places fishing over the summer because we both like to fish. He seemed more affectionate than usual, it was like something changed for the better. I saw him one time after that and he helped me move (he insisted), the first week in June. He stopped making plans with me. I let him have his space. End of June comes and we make plans for him to come over, his idea, and he seemed really excited. Well the day of comes and I texted him asking what time and he says he’s on his family trip (the one he was supposed to bring me on) and he was staying another night and could we leave it another time? I was very disappointed, because everything added up to me being very low on his list of priorities, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. So, I said no worries and initiated no contact. Only, it’s been almost two months now and I haven’t heard from him. I rarely post anything on Facebook and last week I posted two pics, one of a new hair cut/color and I got a lot of positive comments, and he “liked” both of them, which took me by surprise. I figured he would text me, but nothing. I’m sure he will be back around eventually, I will just try to keep Mirror’s advice in mind more next time, and not let the next guy get lazy with the dates. It just sucks cause some days I miss him, but I'm not giving in here. I’ve been receiving a lot of positive attention from other men lately so that has been good for me. I don’t really need any advice, I’m just going to continue to live my life, and let him live his. I truly enjoy reading all of your advice Mirror, and keeping up with the regular ladies on here. Thank you for the time you take to help us out.

Oh I would like to have a user name to become a regular too! Anyone know how I can do that? :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 26, 11:22PM,
Hang in there dear - he too shall be back, LOL ;-)

To comment with a name, simply hit the dropdown menu under the comments box. Choose "Name/URL" and then enter a name and leave the url space blank.

And you will be able to comment under a name :-)

vibrantgem said...

Thank you Mirror, it means a lot that you responded to me! I will hang in there!

-Anonymous August, 26, 11:22 PM

Anonymous said...

Mirror - I want to cry. :(
I come here all the time because I love your advice so much.
My problem is I'm not even getting the date. The last two guys I've met (and kissed) have both stood me up. I feel like I'm doing all the right things via text; hanging back and not replying straight away, not giving away too much, NOT chasing and BOTH times they agreed a time to meet and have just not followed up. How can I possibly not think it's something to do with me. I genuinely feel rock bottom.

PS, I joined an online dating website this week and I'm almost tempted to come straight off because I can't bear for this to happen again!:(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 29, 9:56AM,
Dear, we've all been there, no one as a human being is immune to rejection. So realize first, that this isn't you and you're not the only woman experiencing this in the landmine that is modern day dating.

When these things happen, you do NOT look to yourself as the problem. Their behavior is a symptom - of THEIR problem. When this happens, you don't say, "What's wrong with me?" Instead, you look to the PROBLEM (them) and you say, "What is wrong with them? Who would do this? What type of an individual treats another human being like this?"

And the answers to those questions are:

1) They are damaged individuals.
2) Only scoundrels behave like this.
3) Narcissistic individuals with something to hide and very little to offer treat others in this manner.

You need to adjust your perspective - don't look to yourself as the cause here. Because the reality is that the tactics you're using, sussed these men out as players - and players like to play "games" with women, most times, emotional games (to gain the upper hand). You see, most likely, these two chumps were expecting you to give chase and begin to pursue them. It's how they gain the upper hand with women, by playing "too cool for school" with them and acting apathetic and blase. That is designed to make you feel insecure, and when you're insecurities surface, the next expected reaction is for the woman to give chase in an attempt to prove herself worthy of the mans attention.

It IS the game, dear. Understand?

So you need to look at this realistically. What happened here is you met two players. They played the game, and it backfired (you did not give chase and question, cry and beg and plead). As a result, they now know that their game won't work on you - so they bolt - to go find a more willing victim (one who is insecure and will give chase).

The reality here is that these tactics saved you from two goons that were seeking something easy and free, with little to no effort - sex. And when things like this happen, you don't beat yourself up and look to yourself as the problem. Instead, you see it for what it is - two goons that lost at their own game. And then you say, "Whew! Thank God I didn't fall for that one!" And then you move on.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I won't lie to you, dating nowadays does involve experiencing things like this - you have to develop a tough skin to date in times like ours, times that are rife with sociopaths and folks with a lot of clinical personality disorders. We live in times where sociopathy and narcissism is at it's highest levels - EVER. Many even claim as a country, we are under sociopathic rule right now, that's how prevalent that is - it's a personality disorder that's being found in the highest levels of government and business right now:



And here's an insightful quote from that second article:

"daily make decisions that destroy the lives of many other human beings. . .people who don't have normal human feelings and can easily go to sleep at night after having done horrific things."

The major indicator of a sociopath? Lack of empathy, lack of sympathy for others, lack of conscience. Is this making sense to you now? Get what I'm saying here?

The first few times hurt dear. But after that, you begin to realize that you've avoided a disaster and after time, you're actually thankful that these individuals tend to give themselves away via their behavior. And once you learn to spot the behavior - you no longer sweat these types of situations. Instead, you welcome them - and are thankful for the avoidance of a deeper encounter and experience with one.

This is going to happen when dating dear - to both men and women as sociopathic behavior knows no gender. But when it does, don't look to yourself as the problem - look to the one committing the heinous and hurtful act instead ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your response. You have no idea how much that helped. Xx

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror of Aphrodite! I love your site and have subscribed to your news feed :)

I will make this short as possible. I met this handsome man at a club through friends and we've been texting since and have gone on 3-4 dates and it's almost a year now. We both are quite busy with work and travels so it's hard to get to see each other as much as we want to. I know he's asked me many times to hang out since our last date about 5 months ago and I've been declining since, which I feel terrible for (don't get me wrong, I really like him and want to get to know him slowly). The last text he asked to see me again and I told him I'm not available on the date he wants to see me and I mentioned to him that I am available on this specific date and now he has not responded to my text and it's been almost a week and I feel like he'll soon be giving up if I don't make any effort into this. The last text he asked to come over to my place which I never even invited him and I am not quite comfortable with that just yet, although we have been talking for almost a year but it's been sporadic... I just hope I haven't pushed him away? Or do you think he wants me even more since I've kinda been of a nuisance of a challenge to him? Am I doing anything wrong or should I be doing anything at all? Any thoughts or advice from you would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you! <3

Anonymous said...

Hi There
I recently met a man by sheer accident, he is the son of my boss (my boss and I are good friends).He recently sold his property and is with living with his parents until he decides what he wants to do.We have known each other for a few months as friends.We spend lots of time together a we have a lot in common (music,movies etc) the problem is I don't trust my instincts anymore and i don't know if he is just being nice to me or is interested.He is a good cook and when i told him what meals i like he actually cooked them for me (that's a first).One night he told me i looked really nice, but cold and then proceeded to get me his jacket from inside the house he's also offered to fix my car (he's a mechanic) he looks after me when I'm there (at work) and is a gentleman.While at my friend/boss's house he continually watches me and smiles when i catch him looking.Without being too obvious how can i find out if he's into me? I am 50 and old fashioned and believe a man should approach a woman (maybe that's too old fashioned in this day and age of equality). I would appreciate and feedback

Thank you

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 12, 5:46PM,
I don't suggest that you do anything you're uncomfortable with dear. Don't panic. At this point, this is a very casual situation and it's not unusual to leave time and space in these situations.

Even though it's been a year, in reality, it's only going to be the 4th or 5th date - and he's trying to get into your home for an evening "hangout" session, ya' know? I imagine he's expecting sex and I imagine that when you weren't available and gave another date instead, he balked at that (at not getting his way with you).

No worries. If he's genuinely interested, he'll be back. Whatever you do, do not let his current actions PRESSURE you into sleeping with him too soon. I don't care what anyone says, year of talking or not, it's only been three or four dates, ya' know? And if you're not comfortable with that yet, then I do not suggest buckling to this and giving something you're not ready to give.

Your contact with him has been sporadic as you've said - and this is no different. Sporadic communication has happened with him in the past as it is happening now, so don't panic.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Without being too obvious how can i find out if he's into me?"

There is no real definitive way to know this short of him:

1) Asking for a date.
2) Telephoning you in an effort to get to know you better.
3) Expressing a desire to spend time with you.

However, I will say that I do think he's taken a shine to you. So rather than worry about where this is going and if it's going anywhere - just keep doing what you're doing dear. Obviously, it's working :-)

If you start to let self-doubt, fear, anxiety, etc. creep into this, it's actually going to be self-defeating as it will change YOUR behavior towards HIM - not HIS behavior towards YOU.

So be very mindful of that. Throw these questions out the window for now and simply continue to do what you're doing and give this a little natural space and plenty of time to flourish and grow as you have already been doing.

Anonymous said...

Isnthe a taurus? They usually take it slow.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, he is actually a Scorpio


Anonymous said...

Hi M.O.A... I BLAME myself for the way things are going with this guy I met online. Coincidentially, we both live in the same apartment complex. Only known him now for 3 1/2 weeks and he has slept over my place numerous times and I have slept at his. Yes, we have been intimate on numerous occassions also. I was very disappointed when I kept falling for it because I have not been with anyone for 6 months. Now things are beginning to change. Things are being revealed and becoming a concern to me about his character. Haven't seen or spent time with him this week and while talking to him, he asked if he could get the keys to my place to lay in my bed. My response was that I don't think that was a good idea. Then he goes on to say ask when will he be able to stay over at my place in my bed next to me. I become quiet trying to think of the right words to say because honestly I don't want him to stay at my place any longer or sleep with him. We have not even really been on a REAL Date. Since we met, we've been hanging out. Doing the things that HE likes to do. Before I slept with him, I made a suggesstion of a place to go for a date. But nothing! I know I have made the mistake from the beginning but I had not put the breaks towards it sooner than realizing now that I'm being taken for granted. I have NEVER been treated this way from any man in my past. I refuse to carry on this kindof mistreatment. So how can I express to him that he can no longer stay over my place and how can I get him to take me out on a date? He has told me that I am "demanding" and "controlling" and don't even realize it. I don't think I am. I have asked him to tell me what makes me those 2 things, but nothing. Please HELP!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi M.O.A

I need some help with setting some clear boundaries when it comes to dating..... dating a man that has alot of female "friends" or "ex-girlfriends" that he talks to, call each other or text each other. He has also thrown in my face that "you allow a man to treat you how you let them treat you". I've told him that when dating or while dating, it is unacceptable to communicate with your "ex-girlfriend" and if I have not met any of your female "friends" or if you have not disclose to them that we're dating or exclusive, then I think it's best to let them go. Is this the best way to communicate to a man without getting or being defensive? How should this be expressed? Especially, if you feel that other women would/will be a problem if the relationship continues.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 26, 10:42AM,
Regretfully dear, no that is not the way to go about it. You do not go about setting boundaries with WORDS. You do that successfully via your ACTIONS - preferably, from DAY ONE.

First of all, you have to establish if this IS indeed an exclusive relationship. Did HE ask YOU for a commitment? If not, then you cannot ASSUME you have one. The only time you're in an exclusive committed relationship is when:

1) He asks YOU for a commitment
2) He expresses feelings for you (i.e. tells you he's IN love with you, not simply that he loves you)

If both of those things have not happened, then you're not exclusive in a man's eyes :-(

And if you're not in an exclusive relationship, you cannot expect the man to cease speaking to other women. If you do that, it will force him to move away from you and it will be construed as "controlling" and "demanding" by him. Because you're expecting "relationship" treatment while in a "casual dating" situation in his eyes.

If you ARE in an exclusive relationship with a man, at HIS request, then yes, he should not be speaking to exes and women of his past that he's been sexually involved with. And if he truly cares about you, you won't even have to ask this of him. This refers to what many men know as "cleaning up their act." When they enter into an exclusive relationship with someone they care about, they instinctually clean up their act on their own, without you requesting it.

If they don't, that's a red flag of a man that wants a commitment, but isn't aware of what a "commitment" truly means - it's mean self-sacrificing for the love of another. And if a man isn't ready to "sacrifice" in any way for a woman he loves, then he's fooling himself and he's not emotionally mature enough, he's not "ready" for a committed relationship.

And the way you signal your displeasure to this is - YOU begin to PULL BACK. When you're not being treated properly by a man and/or you're being taken for granted or disrespected - you don't say a WORD. Instead, you display your displeasure with his treatment - by giving him LESS access to you, via phone, text and in person. You pull back and fade into the background a bit.

Men understand the language of ACTION ladies - they know full well what a woman's SILENCE and her ABSENCE means. And if you do that without explanation, it will be THEM coming to YOU to initiate a "talk." And THAT is the ONLY time you free yourself to have that talk - when the MAN is READY for it.

If you force that talk on a man BEFORE he's ready for it - it will always backfire.

Instead, use your actions to signal you're displeasure and give plenty of time, several weeks, for your absence to sink in with him. If he cares, he'll come to YOU.

1skater12 said...

Hi! I'm back with another online dating challenge. I met 2 guys online around the same time. The first guy I
met, we talked for about 4 weeks via email. Then we decided to connect by phone. We had a great conversation for about an hour.Before we ended the conversation he invited me out for coffee, but never set a date.
In the meantime, I was talking to another guy online who I didn't like as much, but he seemed to be a nice guy, fun, and a gentleman. Since I wasn't that interested in him, I was slow to reply to his messages, and my written communications with him were short. The first guy I met, I really liked him, however, the coffee date never happened. He disappeared and I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks.

Now, I'm beginning to like the guy that I wasn't interested in initially. One night we were chatting via email and he asked me how was my online dating experience going. I told him that my experience has not been pleasant. I shared with him my disappointment with the online dating site. I proceeded to tell him about a guy who was disrespectful to me. He shared his experiences and we both agreed that we are not satisfied with the site we are currently using. Oh, I forgot to mentioned that I told him I don't receive decent matches(oops shouldn't have said that.). Before we said good night, he said, "It would be nice to learn more about you, would you consider talking on the phone?" He gave me his phone number. By this time we had been emailing for 3 weeks.
The next day I told him I would call if he was ready to talk. His response was he wanted to stop communicating. He explained that it was frustrating waiting days for a reply from me. He told me that he feels that I am not interested in him. He went on to say that he wants to meet someone and the shortness of my emails didn't show that I wanted to get to know him. He felt he was making all the effort. He expressed that I am a beautiful lady and he would have been honored to date me
He is right about my feelings when we began communicating, but now I would like to get to know him. It has been a week since I've last heard from him. Do you think he wants to get to know me or thinking of excuses to end our emailing?
Do you think I should contact him and let him know that I am interested, wait and see if he changes his mind and contact me, or just forget about him and move on. Thanks for your response in advanced.

Anonymous said...

Was dating a guy I met through work back in December/January but it didn’t work out at the time. However, we still keep in contact at times for work purposes. About a month ago I found out from a mutual friend that he’s seeing someone. Anyway, a couple weeks ago he started calling for me at work more often and he’s even more friendly than he usually is and a bit flirty as well. He even told a co-worker whom he usually calls to get his info from that instead of harassing her all the time he thought he’d call me instead. We are still friends on facebook and I recently put up pics of me on vacation and on the beach and he’s looking at my pics and letting me know he’s looking when he calls. He called again yesterday and he asked what I was doing after work I told him I was going out for drinks with friends and he goes so far as to say why didn’t I call him and invite him that its been so long since he hung out with me. I don’t know if he’s still seeing that girl and he doesn’t know that I know about the girl. I told the friend that told me about it that I didn’t want to hear about him and his gf that it was not my business but the way he’s behaving now has me confused. Should I now ask my friend what she knows or just come straight out and ask him what’s going on?

North America 2013 said...

I have been reading all these discussions for quite some time and find them very useful.

Mine is not a dating situation yet but at a very initial stage of evaluating each other. This is regarding a male colleague who is showing lot of interest. We both work in different cities for the same company. I met him first time in Apr at a conference where our company participated. He is a smart guy. We hit off instantly. He was playful and made me laugh all the time. I was quick witted too so he was also laughing. By the end of the day I noticed he was really attracted to me. I was leaving the next day and he was asking whether I wanted to go visit the city before boarding the flight. I told him I have a run next day morning and need to get back. I am a runner and all my colleagues know that. He is impressed by that fact as well. He was trying to find out whether I run alone or with my husband and I laughed and said I run by myself without answering whether I have a husband. I am single by the way but he didn’t need to know details about me. We had just met! After that our paths never crossed again for few months. Recently I met him at our company meet in Sept. He is his usual jovial self but we didn't get to talk much because of our busy schedule. Last week I met him at another conference where we both represented our company along with few other colleagues. We all travelled to another city for this conference and reached on Sunday night. I was going out for dinner and checked who all had already reached. Coincidence…only he was around and others were scheduled to reach much later in the night. So we went out for dinner that night. Since he is a colleague, I am comfortable talking to him and we have so many common things to talk about regarding work. I noticed each time I meet him after so many months gap, It never feels like there was a gap. We just continue talking as if we have always been in touch. He remembers everything about me . This time I could clearly observe that he is very attracted to me. The 3 days I was at the conference, we were laughing all the time and being playful. He found every opportunity to be around me, cracking jokes all the time, teasing me and casually touching my arm or shoulder. At one point he said he likes the fact that I am a quick witted girl. I also noticed how cleverly he introduced facts about his personal life into our conversations. He said that he is a divorcee and has a 6 year old child. He was trying to find out whether I have a boyfriend in a subtle manner. I didn't give out any information. I wasn't available to him all the time in the event. I was chatting equally with other colleagues and went out for a run next day morning with another guy etc. I don’t think we will meet again till the next conference or next team meet happens. We both have no reason to contact each other because our work streams and locations are different.

Thinking objectively I realized that I like this guy..only if he wasn’t a divorcee or didn’t have a kid :( I rarely come across guys who are smart, respectful and playful at the same time. But I am also not sure, whether he was just making use of the opportunity available and trying to flirt. In my field, there are very few women. In our team across so many locations, I am the only woman. Add to that I am athletic and attractive in addition to the same qualifications as other male colleagues. That could be an added incentive for him to be playful around me and see if I fall for him. So how can I find out if he is a good guy? I can’t enquire with my colleagues because it will be too obvious.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 30, 4:57PM,
"So how can I find out if he is a good guy?"

That is something that you have to find out for yourself, not from others. Because individuals can be great people to be friends with, but dating them can be an entirely different story. Individuals who only know someone as a friend cannot attest to the other persons "goodness" because they've never experienced the "intimate" side of that individual - which can be very different from their "public" face.

The courtship ritual is the period of time that permits "observation" and grants a peek into the individual's personality, character and what like with them would be like. Without going through that period and experiencing and observing this man for yourself, there's no real way to know in advance:


North America 2013 said...

Thanks Mirror. I am going to meet him again in 3 days time in a team review meeting. This is sheer coincidence. I never thought we would get to meet so soon. I will observe the behavior. Though I like him I am a bit hesitant to reveal that I like him because he is a colleague. Also it would be a long distance one. So I am going to trust my instinct (which rarely goes wrong) and see where this goes :) He may have picked the signals that I liked him. Thanks for sharing the link to courtship. It was helpful.

1skater12 said...

Hello MOA
I posted a message on September 27th. I'm 1 Skater 12. I know that you are busy responding to many dating concerns, but was wondering if you would please read and offer your advice as to what I should about a guy who I have been chatting with on a dating site. Thank you in advanced for the candid advice that you offer to all of us to help us to take better care of ourselves when meeting and/or dating men.You are truly a blessing. I look forward to your reply.

Anonymous said...

Hi M.O.A......I met a guy online. It'll be a week of getting to know one another this Saturday. We have Skyped twice this week and have been on the phone for hours (4-6 hours). There seems to be a good connection and a good line of communication (he's doing most of the talking and i'm asking questions). Here's the apprehension... there has been a few times in our conversations where it sounds like he is coming off aggressive or in a controlling/demanding way. Does this send out a warning that he may be a controller? I have asked him at least twice if he is controlling or demanding or if people have consider him to be. Of course, like all man, they'll denouce there faults. I've asked why his last 2 relationships ended, he tells me that there were "Personalitiy Clash". Since we will not be experiencing seeing each other daily; only through Skype or arranged visits; does the way he responds/talk can give an insite to a person having a controlling behavior? We will finally be meeting for the first time (physically) this weekend. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention we live in different states; there is a 2-3 hour commute amongst us. I've never had a long-distance relationship, but I am open to trying.

I am aware of the physical signs of a controlling man, but what about the way he speaks/talks/communicate? For example, here's a text dialogue we were having the other day about a book to purchase...... Him: How's work Me: Can't complain! just had an additional task added which was getting to know you lol Him: Great. Make that an everyday task. Me: Do you have the book? Him: Nope but you do... now Me: Lol.. controlling! Are you?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No, I do not advocate that women initiate contact with men, particularly in the very early stages. When a man throws his number at you online - NEVER pick up the phone and be the first to ring. When a guy does that, YOU give him YOUR number and you let HIM pick up the phone and BE THE MAN.

This guy is giving out all of the signals of a man that doesn't WANT to do ANY work to get a relationship off the ground. He's using manipulation and making accusations about how you weren't communicative enough with him, which is fair enough. But then that begs the question - just how much attention DOES this man need from women? A lot it seems to me.

He's already said he no longer wants to communicate because you weren't quick enough on the draw for him (YOU didn't pursue HIM as he had hoped). Any man that attempts to get the woman to pursue HIM, is sending up red flags of a lazy man. He's also sending up some red flags that he's a bit of a control freak. If a guy is really interested in a woman, as this man claims, then he has no problem taking the lead and picking up the phone himself and/or patiently moving at the woman's preferred pace.

If you contact this one, I imagine he's just going to use that as an opportunity to slap you down and reject you. Because I think he's got some "issues" surrounding women, dating and relationships and his behavior is signaling that he's very insecure and that he's not above tossing a woman aside for immature, petty reasons. Don't hand him that opportunity.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 9, 8:58 AM,
"a few times in our conversations where it sounds like he is coming off aggressive or in a controlling/demanding way"

Any time your gut is rumbling to you about something like this, listen to it - don't ignore it. It's your built in "survival" system attempting to signal a "warning" to you.

North America 2013 said...

Hi Mirror, I met this guy again in our team meeting last week. We were together for two days. He was happy to see me and smiling all the time. He asked me to sit next to him and we were chatting and laughing throughout. It felt like we just continued talking from our earlier interaction two weeks ago in another city. He remembered everything about me and making references to our earlier conversations. He was teasing me all the time in a nicer way and laughing. It was very clear that he is interested in me and I was conscious of the fact that other colleagues (all guys) may be noticing it. He comes across as a gentleman and as a genuinely nice guy. He was opening doors etc. After our team dinner on first day, he gave a ride in his car to three of us and dropped us back at our hotel. Before entering the hotel, I don't know what made me look back, I turned back and saw him smiling and waiting by his car looking at me. I thought he had left immediately after dropping us off. I just waved at him and went in. I had two other colleagues with me so I was surprised by this action. Next day also I was sitting next to him and he was ensuring that I was engaging in the discussions and talking to me frequently. He selected the restaurant for dinner the previous night and he was asking me next day whether I liked the place. During the meeting, he took my mobile number under some pretext and texted me some funny comment about other guy sitting next to me. In the afternoon, he was casually asking whether I slept well the previous night and whether I went to the gym in the morning. All these tell me that there is an interest but I am not sure how this would progress. We are in different countries. The only opportunity to meet is when office conferences come up and there is no published schedule for that. It's been a week since I met him and I am not sure whether he would contact me since he has my number now. So I don’t know what to make out of it and how it would progress. What do you think about this and what is your view on long distance dating/relationship? Does it ever work that too with a co worker?

North America 2013 said...


I also noticed that he found every opportunity to be near me those 2 days. I wasn't around him all the time. I was talking to other colleagues and I could sense that he was observing me. He used to come and stand near me when I was talking to some one else. Next day when we were changing conference rooms, he waited for me to pick my laptop and go. He casually put his arm around me for a brief second before we all left for dinner. I punched him on his arm when he was teasing me. That was the only time I touched him all these days. His face was bright and he was smiling after that. I do like him but I am lost on how this would progress! Sorry for this long post.

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA, what is your take on this. I've been dating a guy for a few months, but we haven't discussed being exclusive. Last time I saw him he disappointed me because he showed up really late for a group gathering - he basically missed it. I didn't make a big stink but he knew I wsa disappointed and he apologized a lot and cried. We talked a lot that night and he asked me if I loved him. I responded with something like I couldn't believe he was asking me that because he hadn't said that to me yet. Then he sadi he things he's falling for me. Why do you think a guy would ask a girl if she loves him if he hasn't expressed that yet?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous October 22, 3:16PM,
I imagine it's probably because he's not confident enough in himself to do so first and/or he's a bit insecure and fears rejection - and that insecurity and lack of confidence is causing him to also behave poorly and a bit ignorantly :-(

North America 2013 said...

Hi Mirror, I have a small update. This guy waited 2 weeks and exactly at the last day of the 2nd week he sent me an invite to connect on a professional network. Is it a lame move or clarifying that it is just a professional connect ! I am amused :) I am hanging back to see if this develops at all. Any view on this ?

Anonymous said...

I am new to this blog so please forgive me asking the obvious. I saw that a few women on here talk about Taurus men and that they are very true to their signs. Did you post something on Taurus men and how to handle them?

Also do you think it is easy to turn the tables again after we have lost control? Basically did the chasing after they initially chased us. I had a guy (Taurus) who I was talking to. I liked him as a friend first and thought to myself he is hot as hell why not have him as a friend. He took himself out of the friend zone and showed me he was attracted me etc. I then did the chasing when he began to disappear. I made the mistake (did not see your blog - so wish I had) and would welcome him with open arms, even message him to say "wasup where have you been". Always got a response. He is a very very very busy guy but still no excuses.

Anonymous said...

MOA - I absolutely love your site and your advice. It has been VERY helpful to me and I just wanted to say thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous October 28, 5:30AM,
Yes, I did write about my experiences with a Taurus male:


"Also do you think it is easy to turn the tables again after we have lost control?"

No, change is never easy dear and if you read through the comments here, you'll see that it's a difficult process - difficult, but not impossible. And the difficulty lies within ourselves, not the other individual. Meaning, YOU have to make the change and YOU have to do the work and YOU may have to accept that the man isn't capable of making you happy and YOU may have to walk away from him as a result.

Don't expect the man to change because you can't control other individuals dear, you can only control yourself. You can't make someone love you, you can't make someone want to be in a relationship with you.

You can't control them, but you can control your reaction to them.

Anonymous said...

What a great read and I instinctively do some of these. What I'm concerned about is:

I'm a Taurus woman and I've been fooling around with this Virgo guy for a year. He's been honest with since the beginning: he's not ready for a relationship and has no desire to be in one, but he loves hanging out with me. We turned into F* Buddies and then he mistreated me and I pulled the 'no contact method.' He came back and his treatment was better and then he messed up again so I pulled the 'no contact' on him again.

The third time became different...he started to treat me with the utmost respect, called me daily, texted me from morning to goodnight, and introduced me to all of his best friends. I even met his dad! The thing is...I haven't done the same thing. Not once has he met any of my friends and family because I didn't think it should matter. My belief is...Why should i welcome you into my life if you aren't planning on sticking around?

Anyway, he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship but his actions are the total opposite and so loud! He can't keep his hands off me...he'll kiss my shoulder all the way down to the tips of my fingers, massage me, tell me I'm beautiful every chance he gets, and we now make eye contact when we're intimate. Sometimes he'll accidentally call me sweetheart. There are times he is proud to tell people that I'm his "girl."

So, I'm confused...why is he doing all of those things and refuse to commit? We're not seeing each other anymore because I feel like I need to take a step back. I feel like I've wasted my time with someone who has no desire to be in a relationship regardless of how he treats me.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Why should i welcome you into my life if you aren't planning on sticking around?"

I agree, there's no point in it, so don't bother going there with him.

"He can't keep his hands off me...he'll kiss my shoulder all the way down to the tips of my fingers, massage me, tell me I'm beautiful every chance he gets, and we now make eye contact when we're intimate. Sometimes he'll accidentally call me sweetheart. There are times he is proud to tell people that I'm his "girl."

I realize that to women, these things "mean" something. But to men, they don't mean as much. Don't get me wrong, these actions mean that he has affection for you, but that's about all you can read into it. It doesn't mean he wants a relationship. He's simply showing you affection. And men are perfectly capable of showing affection to women that they don't necessarily love or want a relationship with. It's intimate affectionate behavior, but that's about all you can read into it.

While women view meeting the parents as a big deal, many men don't. Some do, but many don't. Many men bring women they date to family functions simply as "dates." And the family is usually aware of this as they've probably seen him bring other women to family functions as dates as well. They view it simply as that - it's another one of the girl's he dates. I once saw a guy bring a "date" to a family function. She had to leave early to attend another function that he wasn't attending - and he ended up leaving the family function with another woman. A woman that was a friend of another family member. And the families reaction was, "there goes his date, and there he goes." They'd seen it a million times before and they didn't read too much into it.

I think it was wise to take a step back, otherwise, this could go on for years continuing in this same manner. If you want a relationship with someone, the longer you linger with this guy, the longer you're not putting yourself out there on the market to meet a man that wants what you want. If you want a relationship, don't waste any more of your time investing into someone or something that isn't going to take you there :-)

Anonymous said...

Your turn around response is incredible. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond back to your readers! I've been doing the 'no contact rule' more so that I can move on and forget about him. However, it's absolutely tough! >_< Anyway, it's gonna take time!

Thank you again!


Anonymous said...

Hello dear Mirror,
There's been a disturbing trend lately where I've had guys (in between 29-31 years old) write:

"Wow, a girl that has something going on upstairs."
"You're gorgeous and seem like you're more than a pretty face."
"Hi, I really like your profile. You appear to have a brain that's actually active."

Should I take these as a compliment?

Libra Guy only seemed to care about the love and affection I could give him, and really could care less about how smart I was.

It should be a good thing that these guys have standards, but it's turning me off and I can't quite figure out why it bothers me.

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'm not sure why it bothers you dear, because it shouldn't. It's a compliment that basically means "you're not like the rest" which is precisely the impression you want/need to make on men when dating. You want to be viewed as different and unique and not a push over as they find that exciting and challenging, as you can see.

They're recognizing that in you and they're drawn to it. And while it's insulting to other women, what they're saying is that there could actually be an intellectual connection with you and not just a sexual superficial one.

And that is a good thing :-)

Scorpiolady said...

Dear Mirror

I'd just like to share progress on me and my guy (he's an Aquarius). Although he's showing improvements in his level of investment in our relationship, I have no guarantees how far it will go. I'm just taking it day by day. I feel that we have smoothed out a rocky and unstable beginning - in the beginning it's just this attraction that kept pulling us together, but didn't really know each other well - in fact, I can say that we have only recently begun to be less awkward (when we're alone, just the two of us).

To be honest, I know that progress is slow compared to normal relationship speeds (although, what is normal anyway?) But I also know nobody can be forced into love or a relationship, much less the boy I'm talking about - he's very much an independent spirit and someone who's never been obliged to do anything unless he wants to. Selfish. I guess people will ask me why I even want to have anything to do with him - but I suppose I'll set my own deadline from now onwards (because it's only recently that I feel things have become smooth and properly "begun") and leave when time's up - 6 months sound about right, doesn't it?

Anyway. I just wanted to share something that happened today. Actually, last night, we were texting and he brought up, "What if one day we went all the way?" Yknow what he meant right - lol. So I said it wasn't possible unless it was planned. And he said, "Yknow these things just happen all of a sudden!" Hah. So I then basically left our conversation hanging, showing my distaste. The next morning he did send another text but it was unrelated. And I replied, "Oops, fell asleep last night." Which is funny because it was obviously bullshit - and even funnier because he used it on me the previous morning when in the middle of a conversation the night before, he said he needed to go bathe and never got back to me - and I knew it wasn't that he fell asleep, lol.

Anyway, today I asked him to help me with an important errand... it was really important to me. And he tried to avoid it! Granted, I understand his reasons why he didn't want to help, but at the same time it shows he wasn't willing to do some self-sacrifice to help me. He gave me some crap, to which I merely asked, "Are you trying to confuse me?" And he replied, how he doesn't play those kind of games and even brought up some past event attempting to guilt me, so I ignored him. Later in the day, he asked me how it was going. And I told him I had already enlisted our good (male) friend - who truly was so willing to help - instead. Burn!

Anyway, I was just really proud of the way I handled these two displays of disrespect. Haha, felt I have really come a long way since I first got to know him. I'm really not afraid to "show it to him" anymore.

Just wanted to share!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Excellent dear, and you should be proud of yourself. DO NOT let him run you over emotionally, stand your ground, stand firm and be independent. If he doesn't want to sacrifice for you, then yes, that says something about him and his character as a man. So don't overlook that. Tuck it away and keep it in perspective and do exactly what you did - which is to then enlist another man that's WILLING, be it a friend or otherwise. Because that signals to him that:

1) YOU don't need him
2) You're resourceful with or without him
3) You can act independent of him
4) You will NOT wait on him

And that if he wants you, you're moving forward and he'll have to catch up ;-)

Anonymous said...

This guy I went out with a few times about a year ago has started calling and messaging me again. (It didn’t quite work out because I was a bit needy then :( . He disappeared and I just left it at that.).
The calls and messages all started about 3 months ago, from a few times a week to almost everyday. He initiates every time. However, about 2 weeks before he started calling I found out that he had a girlfriend but he doesn’t know that I know this. (Should I let him know?) I don’t know if they’ve broken up or anything.

His messages are sometimes flirty and he keeps mentioning us getting together and if I would hang out with him. He messaged me today to say seasons greetings so I responded with the same and asked how he’s doing? No response. He then tried to call me later on but I missed it so I messaged to ask if he tried to call since he called from his work land line and I didn’t recognize the number and he said yes. So I said ok cool, what’s up? No response and no call back.

I know maybe I’m reading too much into this and probably analyzing it too much but it gets confusing sometimes trying to figure out what he’s up to….

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 20,6:49 PM,
"he keeps mentioning us getting together and if I would hang out with him"

Hang out with him? Like a buddy or a friend with benefits? Or is he suggesting a REAL date, where he takes you to dinner and treats you like a lady? If he's suggesting that you go to his place and sit around on the sofa. . .big red flag dear.

"He messaged me today to say seasons greetings so I responded with the same and asked how he’s doing? No response."

Probably because he was with his girlfriend at the time :-( Big red flag. Because if he'll cheat WITH you - he'll cheat ON you.

"So I said ok cool, what’s up? No response and no call back."

Game player that most likely has a girlfriend dear - RUN :-(

This is NOT the way a relationship should begin dear, with game playing and unexplained disappearances before things even get off the ground. These are all red flags dear, and instead of trying to give him the benefit of doubt, try to see them for what they are. . . .warnings :-(

Proceed with caution dear - and do NOT respond to his next communication. Mirror his actions towards you if you want more information to determine what's going on - and then OBSERVE his ACTIONS. If he's not responding to you, then you mirror that and you don't respond to him - and then you wait, watch and see how HE acts after that. You may not receive the final answer, but if you keep things balanced like that and you don't jump right in and you give yourself plenty of time to observe his behavior. . .you will begin to see things clearly and you will protect yourself from being used. Do NOT be too WILLING here.

Anonymous said...

@ Mirror December 22, 2013 at 10:45 AM

Thanks for the advice. I will do as you say and see what happens. He has never suggested going to his place but rather going out for drinks/dinner.

But the thing is I can’t always avoid him. We work for the same parent company but are stationed at different locations. He frequently has to contact us or us him for work. That is how we met and that is how he started calling and messaging me again on the pretext of work related issues. He used to contact my boss before and still does but actually told her one day when he called for me and she answered that he thought he’d call me instead of calling her all the time. And not t that I am picking up for him here but I know for a fact that he was at work when he called and messaged and when I responded on Friday and that is how most of our conversations and messages start out, about work and during work hours.

He was at our office today, he kept asking if we having a Christmas get together that he wants to come and we had a breakfast this morning and my boss invited him and he came. He has left now but my boss has just asked me to contact him for a work issue…. So in this regard, what do I do? How do I handle his behaviour and how do I not respond?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous December 22, 10:45 AM,
When it's work related dear, you have to do what you have to do, to keep food on your table and your job and income flowing in.

So when that happens, keep it strictly business. If he attempts to discuss personal during that conversation, you ignore those questions and comments by not answering them and steering the conversation back towards work. If he presses and applies the pressure and you don't feel you're strong enough to fend him off just yet. . .you give very brief "yes, no" answers. Don't elaborate and don't explain yourself. Tell him that you're very busy, you need to address the work situation at the moment and move onto other things. Use excuses if you have to and steer the conversation back towards work and signal that you're very busy by giving brief answers and ending the call short.

Anonymous said...

great, thanks again:) will definitely do that...

but on another note there's this other guy that I met last week and we exchanged numbers and he started texting me the next day. He's was asking a lot of questions about what kind of wine and chocolates and what kind of movies I like so I jokingly said that he asks a lot of questions so he said yes with an aim and that we are going to have a wine, chocolates and DVD evening. So I said you're assuming alot and then he texted back one word, apologies. Now I think that wine and chocolates are fine but the DVD I assumed would be at his house and that's something I'm not willing to do on a first date. Was I wrong for saying what I said and for thinking he's trying to get "something". Well I haven't heard from him since then lol

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror, thanks for all your encouragement, and support! My date with the nice Gemini guy fell through, but there's a potential re-schedule after the holidays since we're both busy...so nothing much to say about that for now.

Recently a persistent Sean Lowe look-alike (someone I had messaged briefly last year, but I later disappeared on) asked me out to food/drinks, but I said I wasn't free until January. He said no problem he could wait, and asked for my number to chat in the meantime.

I quickly realize this was not going to be fun at all. His texts are 95% short and pointless:
- How are you
- Hey what are you up to
- Haha
- Lol
- Good wbu
- How was shopping

When I don't reply within a few hours, he'll follow up with another short text.

I've been consistent with ignoring the ones that are "Haha" and "lol" as they don't warrant a response.... but he DOESN'T GET IT!!

Why do you think he keeps texting me pointless texts when he knows I won't respond to them unless it's a question or something worth replying? Or is he just really dense?

I'm starting to really like this other Libra guy who writes me long messages and is actually taking a genuine interest in the things I like and recommend... but... he's not as masculine looking as this annoying Sean look alike.

I think I might be doomed to either date someone whom I lust for but have no emotional connection... or someone whom I have a deep emotional connection with but don't feel much passion for. This makes me a little sad. :-/

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 23, 5:59 PM,
" Was I wrong for saying what I said and for thinking he's trying to get "something". Well I haven't heard from him since then lol"

No dear, you were not wrong for signaling to him that you were "on to him" and what he was attempting to insinuate there. Most likely, he was going to offer a lame date at his place that amounted to him getting you into a secluded spot where he would be able to tempt you into sex and use you. You dodged a bullet here and you looked out for yourself properly :-)

And if you don't hear from a user again, who cares ya' know? Players like that generally give up early because they're lazy and don't want to do the work of earning things and winning a woman over. They're seeking free and easy sex with very little effort and they're not willing to go the extra mile to prove themselves to you. Dating a man like that is very disappointing dear, so don't be upset if he disappeared - instead, be happy that you kept yourself from being used sexually by a lazy player ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Why do you think he keeps texting me pointless texts when he knows I won't respond to them unless it's a question or something worth replying?"

He probably hasn't figured it out yet, LOL ;-) And if he's really good looking, he's used to doing very little work to get what he wants. So he's a man that's used to being rewarded by women for being lazy basically. He probably really doesn't have to say more than "hey" to many women out there before they jump into his lap, ya' know?

Warning dear - those are the dangerous ones, LOL ;-)

"I think I might be doomed to either date someone whom I lust for but have no emotional connection... or someone whom I have a deep emotional connection with but don't feel much passion for. This makes me a little sad. :-/"

Don't be sad dear. . .everyone has their match and someday, you'll find yours :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I recently went out with a guy I used to work with and I'm a little confused about our recent correspondence...this is what happened:

While we were working together we flirted a bit and he asked me out repeatedly; but, I was involved at the time and never gave him my personal number. After work, on my last day at the job, he showed up at my gym (1 block away from the job) and my boyfriend happened to be there. I introduced them...my co-worker left...and we didn't talk again until recently - a year later.

By boyfriend and I are no longer together. I was hanging out a female ex-coworker from the same job...she mentioned that he still asks about me. So I called him (i've always had his number). He was happy to hear from me and invited me to the job Christmas party. I went and we had a great time. We left the party then went to a lounge to talk. He told me he had feelings for me and that he went to the gym that day for one last attempt to get me to go out with him.

Anyway...we had several drinks that night..NO I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM...but the topic of sex did come up after we kissed in front of my house. I said "I don't have casual sex...but I had a great time with you and I'm glad I called." He sent me a text about five minutes after I went in that said "Thanks for a wonderful night, I look forward to spending more time with you."

The next day I called to make sure he made it home safely...ordinarily I wouldn't have called, but he was familiar and I really didn't think much of it. Anyway...he called me back a couple hrs later and we talked for about 20 minutes. He asked if he could see me again this week since neither of us were leaving the city to see family for the holidays. I said yes, but we never set a date - that was Saturday.

This is where I'm a bit confused: He has not called since Saturday and we have not set a date to hang out. But he's sent me a "good morning beautiful" text every morning since Sunday - I just respond "good morning :-)" usually 15-20 mins after I get the text and I haven't initiated contact since that Saturday when I called. Then on Christmas he sends me a text that says Merry Christmas "babe". I just looked at it and thought....um...I am not your "babe"...we've not even been on a real date...why are you calling me babe? So I didn't respond to it and I didn't respond to the this mornings "good morning beautiful" text.

Why does he keep sending me this same tired ass text? Can you please decipher this non-sense? I'm about two seconds from blocking him...I seriously can't handle another 6:48 am "Good Morning beautiful"

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 26, 10:43 PM,
"He has not called since Saturday and we have not set a date to hang out but he's sent me a "good morning beautiful" text every morning since Sunday - I just respond "good morning :-) . . .Why does he keep sending me this same tired ass text?"

Because of this dear:

"I called him"

"The next day I called to make sure he made it home safely"

You initiated this and took the lead and because of that, he's waiting for YOU to be the MAN (masculine role, the initiator, leader) in the relationship while he sits back and takes the feminine role (submissive). Which is why I warn women against asking a man out and telephoning him and taking the lead role. Once you do that, any time you date a man from day one - how you begin the situation, is the way the situation will be from that day forward. So if you don't want to have to do 100% of the work to keep the relationship going, don't start out being the leader and initiator. Because if you do that, that's the role you're going to be expected to take from that day forward and you will end up dating a lazy man that barely lifts a finger for you :-(

He's hanging back, being lazy and not manning up while keeping himself on your radar with those good morning texts while he's waiting for you to do what you've already done - take the lead role (which I don't advise continuing to do unless you're okay with it being this way.) In any relationship or even group of relationships such as in career settings, you will always have two energies at play - masculine (leader) and feminine (submissive). If you step into the masculine leading role, the other will assume the feminine submissive role. If you don't want to be in the masculine role, you can't start off a relationship being the initiator and the leader. If you do that, nine times out of ten, that will be your assumed role from that day forward, which is why I do not buy into the theory that these days, women can take the lead role when dating. Sure you can do that - but it generally results in the man not treating you like a lady and instead, he sits back waiting to be courted by you, instead of the other way around, as Mother Nature intended it:


Anonymous said...

That's funny Mirror, I didn't reply Gemini guy's "Lol" from 3 days ago, and he ended up texting again with a "Hey you." I'm not optimistic that he will figure this out; he probably thinks I'm a cold b!tch.

Another guy - on the opposite end of the spectrum - has been text flooding me (for every 1 text I send, he replies with 4). When it took me a couple of hours to respond, he wrote, "Lol wow you just replied now." Impatient, much? *shakes head*

Clearly, I know how to pick 'em, LOL.

One of my exes has an amazing body - six pack and all, and he was a hardcore computer geek who courted me properly. Sadly there was no mental connection, but I'm hopeful I'll find someone like him but better.

Hard to settle for someone with an average body and so-so chemistry, when I've had near perfect relationships in the past with just 1 or 2 things missing.

Thanks for your words of hope and positive energy...I know I'll find the right guy in time! :-)

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Thanks! from Anonymous Dec 26, 10:43 PM

That makes sense...I guess I won't block him since his annoying texts come as a result of my lapse in judgement. Definitely will not make that mistake again! I've not responded to the good morning text in two days, so I doubt he'll send one tomorrow. But is there any communication to which I should respond? Such as a phone call or any text outside of "good morning"?

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I think the Gemini guy kind of exploded at me.

Gemini guy: Lol
Gemini guy (3 days later): Hey you
Gemini guy (12 hours later): Herrro
Gemini guy (3 days later - today): Hey let's meet this week

Me, finally responding: Sorry can't, but hope you have a fun nye!

Gemini guy: What does that mean
Uh let's see first you gave me your # off a dating site and then you don't want to meet me, could you explain why you even gave me your # in the first place

What the heck? It's like a guy saying, "I paid for dinner and drinks and now you don't want to have sex with me. Could you explain why you even went out with me?

How do you think I should respond to that? How do I get rid of him? I feel kind of upset, and it's making me sick in the stomach. :-(

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Haha, Mirror, I have an update!!

I had some time to calm down (I got a bit emotional in my comment), and decided to text him:

"It means I have plans this week. I prefer men who are patient. If you feel like you're wasting your time, just stop talking to me. Good luck."

He immediately wrote back:

"OMG no no I thought that was like a see ya have a nice life message. It's so easy to misunderstnad via text lol.
I have no problems waiting I'm a patient guy. It is the holidays and new year's, just a misunderstanding. I interpreted it as you couldn't meet anymore take care message. Maybe you met someone new who knows anyways yeah for sure have a great new year's too."

This guy is hilarious. He went from texting 2-3 words to actual sentences. Progress!

I plan to text back in a couple of days saying, "Yeah, you should call me sometime instead of texting."

There might be some hope for this guy (I know I know, you're shaking your head mirror, LOL).

That's all I wanted to report!

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you want him to call rather than text, I'd signal that kindly to him. Something along the lines of, "Hey, sorry I wasn't able to get together last time. I hate texting so feel free to give me a call and we'll arrange something :-)"

And leave it at that. And when he calls, answer the phone and converse with him and see what he suggests. No lame date offers to come and sit on his sofa, LOL - dinner, drinks, etc. is acceptable :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,I need your advice as I'm very confused and upset.
10 months ago i walked away from the man i loved very much as he was confused and didnt know what he wanted.Three days after Xmas he contacted me and landed on my doorstep, it wasn't awkward or weird, it was like i saw him a few days ago, we picked up where we left off and he spent the night.He told me how much he missed me and that he loved me, it was very nice.

We spent NYE together and it was lovely, for the first time i got to spend the night at his house in his bed ( i was the only woman in his bed since his wife left him 3 yrs ago ( and i know this is true) he made me feel so special and wanted, I left early new years day while he was still asleep as i had commitments that he knew about.I didn't hear from him for a cpl of days so i decided to go to his house, his son answered the door and told me his dad was out with another woman..I was gobsmacked and in shock, I phoned a mutual friend and she also was in total shock, she suggested i go back to the house and confront his son (he's 27) and tell him that i was his dad's girlfriend,so i did.. the boy was confused and bewildered but did acknowledge that i was there and would pass the msg to his dad.

His father wouldn't answer my calls or texts, he did text me later that day and apologized saying
"she said it was over..I'm so sorry".. I asked him why he had done this to me after so long and all he could say was Ïm sorry.I feel so hurt and betrayed as he told me there hasn't been anyone since the last time he was with me.Our mutual friend only knew the other woman as his Carer"as he is disabled and when i showed her the text he sent me she was horrified and continued to tell me about this other woman and how she was mentally unstable and a wreck.He lied to me and he lied to his friends, he sent a text to our mutual friend still defending the fact that this other woman was just his carer and that he would sort all this out when he gets home in a few days, god knows how he's gonna sort it out with me (more lies no doubt).

I don't understand,
Our mutual friend told me how when we separated 10 months ago how he used to tell her all the time how much he missed me and he loved me,sorry to drone on..

Anonymous said...


I didn't get a chance to do the "I prefer to call rather than text"; Overcompensating Guy disappeared, LOL.

As soon as I replied quicker (I decided to test him), he disappeared.

I've never felt so good about a guy disappearing on me, though. I'm almost 90% certain he used fake pictures, since an alpha player would have a rotation of women and not be as desperate as him.

NEXT! :-)

In other shocking news, the Nice Gemini guy (the one not all up in my face) wrote an e-mail saying he's been dating someone for less than a month, and things seem to be getting serious (wtf?).

He said he really looked forward to meeting me (we had planned to after the new year), but feels as things are progressing with her it'd be inappropriate. He hoped that I'd understand. Then said he hoped I'd find a good man.

I'm really surprised he wrote this e-mail at all. I haven't replied his previous e-mail, so why e-mail this rejection letter now? He could have waited for me to get back to him.

Mirror, do you suggest I reply? I know it'd be rude not to, considering it is rather nice and respectful of him to let me know he's actually seeing someone (unlike Libra guy)... but I don't know what to say. I'm not used to guys rejecting me in writing.

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yea, I'd reply with something simple. Something along the lines of, "I'm very happy for you. Take care, I wish you all the best."

It may or may not work out and you may or may not hear from him again someday. But in the meantime, he's been polite so it's best to be mature about it and wish him well :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 5, 7:44 AM,
"Three days after Xmas he contacted me and landed on my doorstep"

Ah yes. . .we actually discussed this fact on this site in another article here - the players and scoundrels that take advantage of the holidays and play on a woman's loneliness to weasel their way back into her bed :-(

"his son answered the door and told me his dad was out with another woman.."

Ugh. As soon as a read about the holiday reappearance above, I had a sneaking suspicion something along these lines is what would follow next. I'm very sorry that happened dear :-(

"she suggested i go back to the house and confront his son (he's 27) and tell him that i was his dad's girlfriend"

I know your friend meant well dear, but that was NOT the way to react unfortunately. The boy is probably completely unaware of his father's behavior and shouldn't be brought into it and referencing yourself to him as his father's girlfriend was erroneous because this man never asked you for a commitment and never asked you to enter into a committed relationship with him. So chances are when the father heard about this, he was provided with an excuse to refer to you as "crazy" as a result. I'm not saying he's correct in that, but I am saying that that's what men will do with that type of reaction and a woman should NEVER willingly give him something like to to use against her :-(

When dealing with men dear, particularly reappearing men, it's is 100% absolutely necessary to place barriers in front of yourself and obstacles for the man to overcome. Why? So that he can PROVE to you that he is GENUINELY interested via his ACTIONS and not just a bunch of flowery WORDS. Because actions speak much louder than words and even if a man is lying to you or misleading you, his actions over a length of time will still give him away. Which is why you place these barriers up and then sit and OBSERVE his actions prior to ever granting him access to your body. It's a way to protect yourself dear and to filter out the lazy scoundrels looking for a free ride without lifting a finger for you from the men who are genuinely interested.

Because trust me, lazy men seeking a free ride for nothing will NOT work to overcome the obstacles and barriers you've placed before him (hanging back, playing it cool, not providing sex, etc.). So if you do that, the lazy ones give up early and disappear and only the ones that are genuinely interested continue to jump those hurdles.

Forget talking this out with him. As you've already sensed, it'll only give him an opportunity to lie to you, mislead you further and string you along. If you really want to sting him, completely shut him out of your life. Do NOT answer or RESPOND to ANY of this man's contacts. Let him live with your silence and a sense of guilt and then let that silence and guilt work on him. If he's human and has a conscience, that's exactly what that'll do (much like it does to women).

The best revenge dear - is DOING WELL. And if you want to signal that you're doing well, then you do NOT react emotionally (angry, frustrated, wanting to talk, etc.) You signal you're doing well by moving on, ignoring him, leaving him to live with what he's done - and moving on dear :-)

I know it doesn't sound like much but trust me, given plenty of time and space - silence simply eats away at people and the people that deserve your silence deserve to be eaten away at dear so NEVER feel bad about treating someone poorly that's done the same to you first. You get what you give in this world and if that's what you give, then that's what you can expect to get in return. Harsh I know, but then again, so is life.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you can do that dear, trust me, you'll salvage your dignity and feel much better about yourself in the long run. If you act emotional and react as such, you're going to come to regret that behavior. So think ahead here and strategize how to come out on top.

And the way to come out on top - is to move forward and never EVER give him the satisfaction of looking back. Be good to yourself dear - this too shall pass :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for being patient with me, Mirror.

Through applying what I've learned from your comments and your blog, I've changed the way I act and respond to men - but the intense crazy emotions are still there. Just that I don't express it, so men don't know. But I end up writing it out and burdening you with some of it... sorry, and I appreciate your responses to me. :-)

Just wanted to share something funny with you today.

So, the Overcompensating Guy reappeared after 5 days - once again, he asked me out and then pressed for answers on why I gave him my number, and what's the point if I wasn't going to go out with him.

Instead of ignoring him, I decided to just cut him off for good.

I lied and said I did want to go out with him, but I was back with an ex and was sorry and wished him luck.

He immediately wrote back, "Sorry who's this" <--- HAHAHA! Right, pretending to have deleted my number. Very believable.

Then he wrote, "Oh ya kk thanks"

Well, hope that's the end of it.

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

@Mirror Dec 20,6:49 PM and @Mirror December 22, 10:45 AM


So the last time he messaged I did respond which was Christmas morning. He said Merry Christmas and I responded with the same a couple of hours later. So I haven't heard from him since until this morning he messaged @ 8:07 and said "hi". I am proud to say that I didn't respond. I assumed he wanted some work information and I know that my boss spoke to him a few hours later so he would have gotten his information. If he does decided to call or message again, do I respond? What do I say?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous January 13, 1:59PM,
"Mirror his actions towards you if you want more information to determine what's going on - and then OBSERVE his ACTIONS after. If he's not responding to you, then you mirror that and you don't respond to him - and then you wait, watch and see how HE acts after that. . .if you keep things balanced like that and you don't jump right in and you give yourself plenty of time to observe his behavior. . .you will begin to see things clearly and you will protect yourself from being used. Do NOT be too WILLING here."

However, if it were me, I wouldn't respond. I would not respond to this man until he amped up his efforts to reach me and got serious about it - with something more than a "hi" or "hey." He may have a girlfriend here still, so I would not be very willing. Additionally, he's disappeared already once and proved he's not reliable and I would not reward him for that poor treatment with more of my attention.

Either way, you do what you feel comfortable with dear. But whatever you do, proceed with caution - slowly.

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror,

I have a bit of a Libra guy update, and wanted to ask you something.

Just to recap:

Last summer I sent him an email (which I regretted). He was all excited. I didn't reply his email (it seemed kind of over the top), but he looked me up on iMessage and we talked there. Couple of days later, he stopped replying. Am I surprised? Nope, but I learned my lesson.

3-4 months later - I got a request on Google+ saying he added me to his circles. I ignored this. Lame.

Another 5 months go by - I go back on the dating site, create a new account, and set my location to his city (since I will be visiting in a few months). I put up an entire set of new pics, and new profile write-up. My main purpose was to get to know some new guys.

About 2 weeks in though, I found out Libra guy rated me 4/5 stars. I wasn't sure if he recognized me since I put up new pictures, but doesn't matter...because I'm not going to rate him back.

I temporarily took down my profile since I was getting a lot of messages and didn't have enough time to respond due to family issues.

What I found interesting was - Libra guy completed revamped his profile after I took my profile down. He has never updated his write-up in the 1+ year he has been on there. He put up 3 new pics, added that he's now a startup founder, wants a down-to-earth girl, blah blah.

Not sure if it was a pure coincidence, or that he felt butt-hurt that I ignored him... but either way, mirror, do you think I'll EVER get an apology from him?

Perhaps in HIS head he is thinking, "Wow what a btch, she keeps ignoring me" and not link it to the fact that *HE* was the one who ignored me last year. Or he knows exactly what he's doing? :-l

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"mirror, do you think I'll EVER get an apology from him?"

I honestly think this guy is completely self-absorbed dear :-( Even the fact that he's now a hip "startup founder" made me chuckle. He's always trying real hard to give the impression he's "perfect." But he's so focused on perfecting "appearances" on the surface that he seems to fail to do anything about perfecting his "inner" appearance. And because of that, he comes across to me as shallow, egotistical and as if he doesn't give one single hoot about others dear :-(

I mean, he still has a "girlfriend" right? And if so, she's been around a while. And the entire time she's been around, he's had a profile up on a dating site. Not only that, he's been actively USING the site during this relationship. He doesn't care about her, care about hurting her or losing her. He only seems to care about himself and because of that dear, I'm not sure this man is even capable of UNDERSTANDING that he's hurt you in the first place. If you don't give one single thought to others, then you're not even going to be self-aware enough to realize you've hurt them or are currently hurting them, ya' know?

He does a lot of acting out for attention. And because he's so concerned with what others think of him, how they perceive him, and he tries real hard for that to perfect - I truly think this man is very insecure. When someone overcompensates like that, they're hiding something dear. He's all caught up in image, appearance, perfection - very shallow, egotistical things. And he seeks LOTS of attention from others, probably to make himself feel better about himself. Basically, almost everything he does is to feed his ego, it's all about him. And when that's the case, you're not thinking of others at all :-( I just think this guy is out of touch and not self-aware in that way and because of that, he probably doesn't even remember what happened nor is he even aware he's hurt you :-( He's all wrapped up in himself.

Be thankful you didn't end up with him dear - or that could've been YOU that he's been with while active on a dating site the entire time and it would've caused you a lot of emotional turmoil.

Anonymous said...

January 13, 2014 at 5:45 PM

Hi Mirror,

So I don't contact him unless it is for work where I don't have a choice and I keep it strictly work. So he messaged me yesterday to ask about a work situation and in between asking he commented on my profile picture (on whatsapp, that's how we were communicating). He said wow (my name) nice pic so I said thanks and proceeded to answer his work question which he completely ignored and continued to ask how come I dressed up so sexy in that picture. So I said I went to a latin party so he said ohh how was it? I said it was awesome! So then he went silent. He usually says thanks when I help him out but it's like he forgot his manners yesterday and today and giving one word answers after that. I think he was just trying to find out where I went, what do you think? And then this morning he called about a work thing again and then mentioned in a sort of joking way that at his location he has Valentine things for sale and that I should tell the boyfriend to come and check it out...I didn't respond to that...what was that about??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous January 13, 5:45 PM,
"what was that about??"

It's about him being emotionally immature dear and playing games to try to get a reaction out of you.

He can't man up and express his interest in a straight forward manner, so he's playing little games here. (Insecure men reassure themselves that they have control over the woman and her interest by pulling stunts like this and seeing if they get a "reaction".)

Unknown said...

Hey guys, I have talking to this guy for three months and those three months were the best moments of my life. This guy is a workaholic, but when we were talking, he would text me one and two times or call, whether or not I had called. Nowadays, he doesn't even want to look at me nor does he texts nor calls. But the funniest thing is he bought me a really expensive gift for my birthday even though we weren't communicating. Today, it has gotten worse, he ignores me whenever I call or text. We both work at the same company. He compliments me whenever he sees me. He calls me a player and a flirter. I really thought that this guy loved me alot. Help?

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