Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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Lady Leo said...: @Gemini50,

If you are so interested, I would love to communicate with you via email.

hapjoyfree@gmail.com

Thank you :); August 5, 2013 at 8:06 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi, Mirror

Thanks again for your feedback. This is Syd/Lisa. I guess my Sunday post didn't get through since I was using my mobile.

Everything you (I bow to you) have said about us woman pushing and pursuing men is so correct. My ex is dating several women and was sharing stories with me. He explained that he had to pull back from women that initiated and pursued him. The harder they push at him, the further he pulls away. This is a big turn off for him. He said women need to back off on the texting, and if a man isn't initiating the text or responding back, we need to get the hint because in all honestly, the silent treatment from them is a nice way to say "I'm not interest." He also stated that if a man is interested in a woman, he will somehow take a second out of his busy schedule to send you a text. And yes, even if a man is spending more time or giving more attention to one woman, he is most likely texting/dating/sleeping with other women as well, especially if the two of you are not exclusive. The women who are pursuing him are wanting exclusivity after sex, even when he made it clear to them (and they agreed at the time) that he wasn't ready to jump into a relationship because he just got out of a 11 year marriage.

I am learning a lot from my ex these days, but at the same time, don't want to share my "men stories" with him.

Mirror, Mr. Kicked Me Out After Sex, text me last Thursday night and I ignored it. The next afternoon, he text, but I didn't answer until after 5. He said hi and asked how I was doing. Told him I was doing well and have been busy. He replied immediately with a "yea me too." WHATEVER!!! Later that night, he asked me what my plans were for the night. Told him I had dinner plans with a friend. When I asked him the same question, he said he didn't have much to do.

On Saturday, I tested the water. I initiated a text to say hi. He replied immediately and asked me what I was doing for the evening. Told him I was enjoying a quiet night (he knows my daughters went back home to California). He replied "Me too. But I am very lonesome." I ended the text there. YEAH, I KNEW WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO IMPLY. "INVITE ME OVER"

My question is : Is he responding to my texts and initiating texts to test the water to see where I stand with him after he booted me out? He hasn't initiated any plans for dates, so I am assuming he's initiating to get more booty, if I am willing.

Thanks Mirror and all the wonderful, beautiful women! I feel like I already know all of you.; August 5, 2013 at 12:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 5, 12:55PM,
"Is he responding to my texts and initiating texts to test the water to see where I stand with him after he booted me out? He hasn't initiated any plans for dates, so I am assuming he's initiating to get more booty, if I am willing.'

I think your gut assumptions are correct here. And here's where modern day dating gets rather depressing for women, LOL. But many times, not always but many, these guys become very complacent AFTER receiving the booty. No more proper dates, but lots of invitations for "evenings in" if ya' catch my drift.

Which is yet another reason why it pays to withhold sex for a length of time. Because once you give it up - say hello to his sofa (or yours) because you're going to become very close with it if he has any say-so in it, LOL ;-) Unfortunately, many modern men become over confident after receiving sex, thinking that they've "got you" - and so they stop trying to "win you over." And the reason they experience this over confidence is due to what your male ex has already informed you of:

"women who are pursuing him are wanting exclusivity after sex"

This is their experience most of the time. After sex - they "got" the woman. So it's not their fault that they think this as it's women who are signaling that to them time and time again.

So I think it's safe to assume, based on his current ACTIONS and not simply general assumptions, that this dynamic is already at play here - he got the sex, now he's going to get lazy about getting it again. Because I imagine that in his head, he's "got" you.

Without proper date invitations but insinuations of "loneliness" or "nothing to do that evening" popping up now. . .he's taking the lazy man's ride dear :-(

And just a word to the wise here. . .if you settle for that, that's the way it'll be from now on. And also be careful that if you accommodate him - that he's not simply making you one of many in his rotation of women.

Don't become his "Tuesday night girl."

Instead, make him your "if I get really, really, really bored" guy - and call it a day, LOL! ;-); August 5, 2013 at 2:29 PM
Lady Leo said...: @Hopefulwithmen:

Thank you for your nice message and insight. I think you could be right, though it surprises me. He was so much more into me and open with his feelings and desire for commitment. So how "logical" is it he would feel scared after I opened up? Well, If I've learned anything there is no such thing as
logic" in relationships.

I'm doing well. I had a good, long cry day yesterday. And have been NC for 2 days. I'm healing....

Thank you for the love.; August 5, 2013 at 4:24 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Mltn,
I bet it felt good to get that crap out. I learned through many years of therapy and meeting a few different therapists, that there are really great therapists, and there are really bad (and dangerous) ones.

It sounds like you experienced some really bad ones who could not see past your strength, and instead found their easy way out (blame).

Well, good for you that you did not settle for a sexless marriage; that is one of the precious things of a relationship – the intimacy in sharing and caring and taking care of one another. I never understand when I find that others don’t understand that. Don’t give up on finding it again. ;)

@ Lady Leo,
Keep breathing girl! 

@ Ms. Mirror and All,
I thought I’d share recent communications with Court Officer (CO). It’s really odd, but it’s giving me great practice. Lol

Ok, I left it last time that he text me July 28, Sunday when I had to work and he was on way to friends wake:

Sunday 7/28
CO> I’m good… We’ll talk later… don’t want to break your momentum! Lol

I didn’t hear from him later.

Thursday 8/1
CO 12:30pm > hello

Me 1:29 > Howdy

CO 3:12> How have you been?

Me 3:26> Peachy! And you?

CO> Peachy? I am also! Things are still a little fuzzy (tough week). Where do they have you off to?

Me> Nowhere. Recent trips were out of ordinary. Tough week is understandable.

No response.

Friday 8/2
Me 7:06am > Hi (his real name). Hope ur Friday is better.

CO 9:40> Hello (my real name). I must have slept thru the message beep this morning… hope you have a nice easy day!

Me 12:08p> After 7? Nice.

CO 12:10> 8:30 start time. 10 minutes from home. Dog had me up at 5:30. Sleep is good!!

(This guy likes using exclamation points lol)

Me 12:11 > lol

CO 12:12 > Unless instructed otherwise!! Lol (A RED FLAG LADIES)

Me 12:12> haha

CO 1:27 > Sleep is good

Me 1:42> Yes it is. I think I’ll do some this wknd.

CO 2:40> Damn!

CO 2:41> lol

Me 3:40 > lol

CO 9:30 PM > Wish we could “lol” in person

(I was already sleeping when that came in. Didn’t hear anything until the neighbor’s cat was crying @ 10 pm – he’s a Tom and likes my 3-spayed inside girls)

Me 10:20 PM > ? Must be confusion here. U haven’t asked me but the once to meet u.

(I know I should have waited until next day, but this was bugging me, so I wanted to just get it out. And I can’t tell for sure if this went because it still has the outgoing arrow and it doesn’t show time sent and when I check status it says, “sending.” But all other messages like this have been received from others, so I am going to assume he got this.

Saturday 8/3
CO 4:32pm > Sleep late? (with no mention of my text last night)

Me 5:27pm > Yawn… what day is it?

CO 5:30> Sunday night

Me> funny

CO> And fun

(I hear Peter… “fun = sex” to guys. RED FLAG and I don’t respond.)

Continued; August 5, 2013 at 9:45 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued 2 of 2

8/4 Sunday (I’m visiting w/my gf in her backyard watching the birds at feeder)

CO 6:49pm > Hello… So I’m assuming (he names the online dating site) just all around sucked?

(MAN, where do you think THAT came from?)

Me 6:56 > I’m talking to you from that. Poor man. Lol

CO 6:58> Not sure if that’s a good thing!??

Me 7:05> phone dying (and my battery went dead)

8/5 Monday
4:51 PM Me> Hi (his name). Sorry about yesterday. Cell went kaput while I was out.

CO 5:15> Hello!! I went kaput early last night… How was your Monday?

Me > lol. Good. I hate texting conversations !!

CO > Cooking right now…. Bug you later?

Me > Have fun. I m on the hammock ready to fall asleep. Zzz

CO > Don’t you have 2? Lol (RED FLAG – he had mentioned before in one of our two conversations that he “couldn’t wait to meet my hammock” in my backyard)

Me 5:24 > Yesirreee. I can only use one at a time tho. Ha

And no response as of this writing.

There is no way I am going to invite a man I have never met in person to my home and it seems that is what this guy wants.

So, I’m practicing setting my boundaries and expectations on him.

I love the last bit of info Ms. Mirror shared regarding guys ending up on our couch (or hammock) as soon as they think they ‘have us.’ That is so true.

Not this time buddy. ;)

(And I'm sure you can see with this writing that I'm feeling better ladies... the PMS has eased and during the week I asked my son for help with the yard this wknd and he came through.

With his help, I thoroughly found peace and felt such gratitude while working in my yard this wknd -- even after he was done and off living his life again with his wonderful gf. Just him lending a few hours to do some things I couldn't do by myself helped me tremendously -- he told me I have to do a better job of asking him for help when I need it. He's right.); August 5, 2013 at 9:52 PM
Lady Leo said...: Here is a beautiful and true story on the "Rubber band" theory, and how a low self-respecting woman CAN create a positive change in her relationship with a non-commital man. This is about a real life man friend of mine (Pisces) and his gf of one year (Virgo). He is 39, she 45.

Only known him a few months, he is new employee at work. Lovely man, typical pisces. He has told me she is not very self-respecting: too passive, cant make her own decisions, always "dependent" on him for things. No back bone, etc. He said he wants an "equal". basically she doesnt challenge him and he can't respect her. She gives no "tension" to the rubber band (which is the relationship). He keeps saying he needs to end the relationship, it's not love and it's unfulfilling. But he says he doesn't "end" relationships, rather he usually does things to "push her away". (Her being past women as well). Very passive-aggresive pisces. So, he moved 350 miles away to take a different job with my company, he says, as one way to move away from her.

So he goes home ever weekend to be with his kids, and see her. This last weekend he was planning a football party for Sunday there and she wasnt going to go. Made other plans with her kids and he got upset. Said his friends were gonna be there with their wives and she "should" be there. Oh really?? LOL. She was starting to put tension on the band by being independent and making other plans and he was feeling it. So, he returns back to work yesterday, and says what a great weekend they had together. He has a really nice look on his face that he was indeed happy with spending time with her. He said she ended up attending the party Sunday and it went great. So, I slapped him with a lesson on the rubber band theory, told him how I saw it being applied by her and that he in turn gave chase to her (wanting her when he thought she was pulling away) and guess what? He totally admitted it was true!! He is very honest and heard me, absorbed it and said indeed that's what happened. She showed him she didn't need him and could go and do her thing (pulling away) and that made him squirm.

Few hours later as I left work, he walks me out and I say "Ok, to recap what we've learned today..." and I go over his lesson on chasing her, band tension etc...he says "Yes, but soon I know I will do the pull away again"...and this starts again. See, this is because HE is insecure. But if SHE loves him, she has to maintain her independence and "teach him" how to treat her. He is a really lovely man, for sure, but his heart is so scarred from his divorce he just doesnt believe in love anymore. We discuss this all the time. Poor guy, he isn't willing to open up more. I think he will only do so when he feels he has lost her AND if he realizes he really does love her.; August 6, 2013 at 7:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Well girl, you're doing very well at holding your own and I think this IS giving you great practice :-)

Regarding CO though, I hate to say this but, don't expect much from him :-( After observing his behavior, speech and lack of action, my gut is telling me he's one of the "text buddy, hookup guys" online.

I don't think this guy is out traditionally dating and attempting to genuinely get to know a woman for a relationship. It appears that he's seeking a buddy that he can call on for last minute get togethers. . .err, hookups. When you mention him inviting you out only once for a quick meeting, he bailed. When you mentioned that you hate text conversations, he bailed.

He's not being genuine. He's not making attempts to connect with you via phone conversations and/or proper dates. But don't take that personally dear - you meet lots of these types of lazy guys online - so it's par for the course, LOL ;-)

I think the best you're going to get from this one is another last minute "meet me here" invitation. And I imagine that will carry an expectation of sex right along with it, based on his constant sexual insinuations.

So just be prepared ;-)

"CO> So I’m assuming (he names the online dating site) just all around sucked?"

"(MAN, where do you think THAT came from?)"

He's giving himself away here and not being too bright about it, LOL. He's basically saying, "So I see you're still talking to me. That means that the dating site must've sucked and didn't have anything better to offer or you'd be gone by now."

Low self-esteem dear - he's giving away that he views himself as "last resort" material. So that comment was more about HIM than it was you.

These guys, I'll never understand it. All this man has to do is. . .ask you out for a real date. Yet here he is, a grown man him-hawing around, playing teenage like insinuation games - and doing absolutely NOTHING with the opportunity he's got sitting in his hand. Not picking up the phone, not asking for a date, not being genuine, not authentically attempting to connect. . .not doing anything to move this along.

And that tells me. . .he's expecting YOU to man up here and kick this thing forward. (And, of course, you know not to do that and walk right into a heartbreak ;-)

Keep on keeping on Gem. . .you're doing VERY WELL dear and you're actually going to learn a lot from this man. If nothing else, he's going to be one of the many "teachers" you encounter in life :-); August 6, 2013 at 8:41 AM
Mltn said...: I have to report a Bigfoot sighting. Sent me a text and email yesterday, after nearly 4 weeks. Totally pointless and random topics. I guess it once would have launched me into thinking about whatever he's thinking about, wondering if he wants me back, if he still has feelings, what will happen next, etc. But it's so peaceful not dealing with him and the drama, I just can't find any motivation to engage (which is the MOA-approved state of mind, I believe).; August 6, 2013 at 12:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn,
Enjoy your independence dear and your clear free thinking ability and decision making right now - peace of mind does equate to happiness (and well being) - and as you can see, that doesn't necessarily come from a man. . .most times, it is found within yourself :-); August 6, 2013 at 1:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Hahaha Mltn - a bigfoot sighting...perhaps we should all call the re-appearing men - bigfoot sightings. I've not had mine yet and I'm getting to a place of more peace, slowy but surely and thinking about him less and forgetting about him a little...

but hang on I can hear something in the distance...haha and I get a funny sixth sense that a sudden sighting is on the way for me too.

I think it happens when you are moving on and I think on some level they pick this up.

Enjoy your peace of mind and serenity, be happy and happiness will find you...; August 6, 2013 at 1:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody!

@Gemini 50
I agree with Mirror that this man is insecure. Instead of asking you out he is beating about the bush. On the other hand, my impression is that maybe he would like to ask you out but is waiting for some encouragement from you. E.g. when he wrote "So I´m assuming the dating site sucks?", maybe he expected you to answer something like "Well, more or less but I have met a nice man there". You know what I mean. I may be wrong but my impression is that in those interactions with you he was looking for some hints on your side that you were interested, which he didn´t receive, so he didn´t pluck up courage to make the next move. I am not criticising you or defending him, these are simply my observations. But again, I may be wrong because English is not my mother tongue and so I may misunderstand some nuances of your communication.

I wish you all a nice day.
HopefulWithMen; August 6, 2013 at 1:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Gemini

The others could be right, on the other hand his comment about the dating site maybe to sound out what's going on and if you've got any other options on there.

Whatever, it's always good to have other options. He may man up and ask you on a proper date. Are you still on the dating site? If you are, focus positively on some other nice men arriving. I know this man does sound really good for practicing your skills on but why not have some others and you never know you could find a 'good un'.

I'm on-line dating and have posted a few comments about it. I think it's really good, there's something called circular dating Rori Raye talks about it - basically it's good to have a few men on the go ;) and it works so much better for women that way. I know Mirror advocates dating more than one man too in the early stages!!

I did on-line dating for only a month earlier in the year and my big mistake was not having other men and I ended up focusing all my energies on a man that was not worth it and he disappeared and I wish I had dated a few men at the same time - but with hind sight hey... We were both were off-line and he probably knew he was my whole focus which is not good. Now I'm back on-line and the world is my oyster...I'm not saying you are doing this but just to say it would be go for you to continue with the on-line dating I feel and you are doing fabulously!!; August 6, 2013 at 5:02 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms Mirror and Hopeful, I am sure you are right about CO. He text me this morning. He had me in stitches but I am not going to be the leader in the start of a relationship. Ms. Mirror is right, the only way to learn a man's true intentions is to view his actions.

If he's waiting for me to take the lead, it won't happen. I'm still engaging with him for practice:

CO 8:20 am> Out of the hammock yet? Have a good day

Me> lol, yes it got cold out there. Have a good day too. I bet ur job is more interesting than mine -- cast of characters.

CO> Cast of characters? Our day is like the Springer show!! With the audience filled with unemployed, drug dependent, alcoholic, incestuous, welfare collecting icons of society!! Courthouse staff is a whole different cast!!! Not much different though! lol

(I am ALMOST tempted to count his exclamation points lol)

Me > That's funny - how do u really feel? At least it sounds entertaining. We r too serious -- everyone is SO important.

CO> I keep telling them that Kevorkian is the answer, they stare at me blankly. lol

Me> I don't think you can say that ;)

CO> Power of suggestion! It will work eventually. I have a very convincing nature!! (oh shit - I meant a sarcastic wise-ass nature!) lol

Me> BUSTED! (RED FLAG telling me that this just may be his tactic with me... try to convince me how great a guy he is without showing me via actions.)

CO> But I serve it all up with a cute grin!! lol

CO> Evil - but cute!!!

Me> ha Go to work. Dazzle 'em

CO> Dazzle, baffle and amaze the shit out of them!!!

Me> hahaha Have fun. If u don't have work to do, I do. ttyl

CO> I'm working hard.

Then he sends me a pic of two sets of handcuffs with > This is our version of the forever stamp!

Me> Now I AM scared! lol

CO> Thought you had work to do? lol

So, you see, he can be funny, but this is as far as it goes.

I do think he's a bit insecure and on the flip side he can display that he is very sure of himself -- he's a Gemini (I've never known a Male Gem). And you are probably right Hopeful, maybe he was looking for me to encourage him a bit, but he had his chance from my Friday night pushback of him not asking me to meet him other than that one time. I am done trying to "figure out" a man's motives. It's too much damn work. And what we women get from trying to figure out a man's intent is confusion and being played, etc. No thank you. ;)

I am 51 yrs old, and the men I have been involved w/are about the same age. If they haven't figured out who they are and what they want by this age, I certainly don't want their baggage while they try to figure it out. My goodness, we aren't teenagers or in early twenties trying to figure life out, or even in our 30's or 40's recovering from a divorce, etc.

I think at a half a century with the kids grown and gone, all cards are on the table. It is what it is (Omg, my daughter HATES that saying) and now is our time to take what we have and F'N GO FOR IT: happiness and just enjoying life day to day.

"I am not going to lead, I am not going to lead, I am not going to lead, I am not going to lead... A man needs to show me he's a man if he wants me." That's my mantra with this guy.

And I'm not holding my breath... it's all practice. ;)

HUGS!; August 6, 2013 at 7:21 PM
Lady Leo said...: @Gemini5:

I love hearing your experiences with CO. You are very observant and it is definitely a valued teacher for you. And for me! I do "feel" he wants you to lead, to ask to see him. It prevents him from being rejected if he were to ask you out and you said no. But he "needs" to face his fears, and yes by his age if he way behind in learning to be confident. Poor guy, I do feel for him that he doesn't know how to date appropriately. Here is something interesting that happened last night:

I had the "diversion" date with the aries cop a few weeks ago. I can't say I am into him but do enjoy his company. He told me on the date he had a "feeling" for me. I told him I saw us as friends. Maybe that' why he hasnt pursued me since other than casual texts and a call or two to say hello. Hadn't heard from him in a week as he went on a mini vacation. So I texted yesterday to say hello. Here's how it went:

me: boo
he: you scared me
me: good. what are you doing?
he: laundry and trying to figure out what to do for dinner.
(me assuming he was implying he wanted to meet for dinner)
me: Me too, except not doing laundry.

and here it comes, ladies...he tossed out the bait...

he: what are you cooking me for dinner?

LOL

me: LOL, you're taking me for pizza. ( I fell for the line, partially cus I am trying to not isolate and move on)

he: not tonight, but how about tomorrow night?

me: hmmmm oh ok

Then he called me. He said "You fell for my line when I asked what you'd cook for me. I said that because I knew you wanted to get together." Drat! He schooled me, ladies! I did fall for it...LOL. So we are having dinner tonight.

Always learning. At least this man is open about his tactics. I think we will be good pals and he will help me grow.; August 7, 2013 at 8:47 AM
Mltn said...: @ Gemini 50

I'm just going to say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You're responding to CO's texts, that's ALL the encouragement this guy should need. You met him on a DATING site, what other interest could you possibly have in him but going on a date, LOL? I mean, really, I don't think you need to be more "encouraging."

Thanks for all your kind words over the last couple of months. The thing I continue to struggle with is the co-worker relationship and the long-term friendship. I think that as long as I have any residual feelings or attraction to him, I can't be friends with him. I also think about what I'd feel if he started talking to me about another woman, and it's horrible. And since this has been developing between us for years (at least on my side), it's not just going to evaporate overnight.

My usual "no contact, pretend he died" rule is basically impossible to implement in this context, though, because we work together. And I can't tell if these "testing the waters" texts and emails are to test if I'm receptive to a renewed romantic thing, a renewed friendship, or if these are just his proposed terms for a "friendly-ish" relationship - we can just occasionally touch base casually.

This is where I want to demand that he state his intentions, but I guess Mirror would say that's a "no"? I guess it comes down to, if he can't act right and love me, then I don't want him messing with my head, so cut him off completely and just mourn the lost friendship.; August 7, 2013 at 11:34 AM
Mltn said...: Okay, one other thing I have to fess up to. One reason I was struggling a bit yesterday is that it was 3 months since our first date/kiss. And, more importantly, it's 1 month until we are scheduled to travel together for a work project.

That travel has been planned for a while. We will be alone in a hotel together. In a nice, romantic location. We had, um, looked forward to that.

So it's just looming there, and now I question if his "testing the waters" contacts had anything to do with what he might be thinking about that trip.; August 7, 2013 at 11:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LadyLeo,
"You fell for my line when I asked what you'd cook for me. I said that because I knew you wanted to get together." Drat! He schooled me, ladies!"

LOL, yes he did - and he also took you initiating that communication - as pursuit of him, "I said that because I knew you wanted to get together."

Men are NOT stupid, ladies - when you initiate communciation, they know EXACTLY what that means ;-); August 7, 2013 at 1:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn, Gemini 50,
"You're responding to CO's texts, that's ALL the encouragement this guy should need. You met him on a DATING site, what other interest could you possibly have in him but going on a date, LOL? I mean, really, I don't think you need to be more "encouraging."

I couldn't agree more. He's a grown man, you met on a dating site - enough said, LOL.

"Encouraging" him to ask you out might get a date, but it will also be viewed as "pursuit" in a sense. . .which will then lead him to expect sex as the end result of your encouragement.

I would NOT encourage a man that's dragging his feet (signaling that he's half-interested and/or expecting YOU to chase him) to ask for a date. Because when it's done that way, he'll view that as pursuit by you - he'll view YOU as the one moving the relationship forward, instead of HIM manning up and doing that himself (signaling authenticity and genuine interest).

Responding to his texts IS encouragement. Continuing to do so, even in light of his LACK of ACTION - IS encouragement.

You don't have to spell it out for these guys. They're much more intuitive about women than you may think. Don't fall for their blase' attitudes, they KNOW EXACTLY what they're doing - and when you do that, they KNOW EXACTLY what that means, LOL ;-)

And with men, "encouraging" can also be construed as "convincing" - they can interpret that as you attempting to "convince" them that you're a great date, a great girl and that you deserve a chance. . .which puts you in the "lesser" position right off the bat - as that of the pursuer.

And when women pursue men, they'll get the guy temporarily. . .but that disappearing act is almost always soon to follow.

Why?

Because they weren't interested enough in the first place to man up and do it themselves. And that's not necessarily because they don't like you or think you're pretty. They may actually like you a lot but, many times, a lot of men (not all, but a lot these days) simply try to take the easy way out - they hang back to wait and see if the woman will give chase - and if she does - game on.

They're in control - and you end up carrying the sole responsibility of nudging the relationship forward from that day forward - on your shoulders alone.

When it's YOU carrying the relationship along and not the MAN. . .it rarely ends well, ladies :-(

Cont. . .; August 7, 2013 at 2:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Gem, I'm quite sure this guy is smitten with you. But this hanging back and lack of action he's doing - BIG red flag dear. And you already know that. So don't feel that you need to "do something" here - that's the mindset that many women get into, "Let me just push this along." And that's how they end up being taken advantage of, used, exhausted, depleted, confused and hurt :-(

You don't NEED to DO ANYTHING here Gem. He's a grown man and if he wants this - he knows EXACTLY where to find you. And the fact that you're still responsive to his communications - TELLS HIM THAT.

Nothing more needs to be done, so don't start to let any of that anxiety or pressure start to build here - it's not necessary dear :-)

That's the path many women generally feel compelled to take - and it's also the one that generally ends in failure.

The definition of insanity:

"Doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results."

You got this, Gem - I know you know exactly how to proceed so stand strong, you're doing VERY WELL dear. This may not end up with you two riding off into the sunset, but you can rest assured it won't end up with you in tears either :-)

@Mltn,
"I think that as long as I have any residual feelings or attraction to him, I can't be friends with him."

I would agree dear, that is not healthy for you. So think of YOURSELF here, and be good to yourself :-)

"This is where I want to demand that he state his intentions"

You're right dear, I'd say that's a no. And the reason is - his LACK OF ACTION "IS" showing you his intention. So you don't need to issue an ultimatum to find that out. It would only cause you more pain :-(

"I guess it comes down to, if he can't act right and love me, then I don't want him messing with my head, so cut him off completely and just mourn the lost friendship."

Unfortunately dear, that is what I feel is the best path of action - for YOU. Walking away hurts, but so does being used and strung along. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and while doing so, remember that it was HIS DECISION and NOT YOURS that made it this way.

You can't change it, you can't control it - you can only control and manage your reaction - to his lack of action :-(

Don't try to seek the answer from him in WORDS, because his ACTIONS are already dictating that to you dear :-( And if he wants you, he knows full well where/how to find you, ya' know? Don't beat yourself up here and don't waste any more of your energy trying to figure him out.

Just like I told Gem above - DO NOT let anxiety and pressure build and make YOU feel that YOU need to DO SOMETHING here - you don't. View his actions (and lack thereof) as your answer and move on as best you can dear. You deserve much better.; August 7, 2013 at 2:12 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Hi ALL!

First, my apologies for taking up so much space here lately. For the new ladies, there is enough room for everyone, so just push my stuff aside and plug into Ms. Mirror's wisdom ;).

@ Mltn,
I have to salute you lady. I was thinking about your situation yesterday, and although Virgo was a co-worker, he was 1K miles away. My staff knew about him, they knew I was going out there and knew he was coming here, and I suppose they figured out when I was quiet and had to use all of my energy just to get thru the day that things did not go well (each time).

But I did not have to see him during my workday. My experience did not compare to yours and the way you have explained you have held yourself together is admirable!

So, while thinking about this yesterday, I thought of Jennifer Aniston. Remember when Brad left her for Angelina? (however you spell it). I'm not into how others live their lives, and that includes actors/actresses, etc., but the way Jennifer handled herself was terrific. Basically, she said, "Shit happens."

I think she was even recognized by a NE university as "Man of the Year" for how she handled the hit.

So stay strong Mltn -- what is most important is you and your future. And I think you are doing an awesome job of taking care of both. If we all ever get to Vegas for the 1st Annual Ms. Mirror convention (hey, Ms. Mirror: hint, hint, are you taking that in?), I'll buy you a drink from the (cocktail, juice, whatever) bar you want!

@ Ms. Mirror,
No worries, I am NOT going to change my course. I was thinking about it tonight and a thought came, "Maybe it's time you let a man FIND YOU while you are living YOUR life, instead of looking for a man living his." hmmm

I rec'd a text from CO @ 8:45 AM today > Morning!!
(those exclamation points are just so funny lol)

I was busy, and responded at 9:35> Morning :)

I rec'd nothing back.

That's cool, he's probably busy. But I think he's looking for me to chase him. It's Wednesday, and he said he plays golf in the town next to me on Wednesdays. I think this morning was a tap to get me to initiate a meeting. Not going to happen. lol

You are right, I am demonstrating I am interested by responding to him. If he doesn't do anything with it, other than send funny txts, well, that is his choice. I can have my own personal unknown comedian on my cell. lol

@ Anonymous,
Thank you for comment regarding the dating site, but I can't tell you how relieved I am NOT to be on it. I did it, it was terribly uncomfortable, I felt vulnerable and in danger, and being off of it is wonderful.

I am not saying people should not do it. If it works for others, than that's great. It is not for me. The discomfort far outweighs the potential of meeting someone (for me). I'll keep myself open to meet men in my daily life. So, thanks again, and I hope it works out for you.

@ Lady Leo -- you got BUSTED! But who cares? I hope you are having fun right now with Aries and pizza. :)

Hugs to all!; August 7, 2013 at 6:23 PM
Lady Leo said...: I had a nice, short 2 hr date with the aries cop this evening. Thought I'd post my observations and experience. First, I'm forcing myself to move on by casual dating and I honestly told that to aries, seeking only friendship. I don't want to mislead anyone as I know how hurtful that can be. He may not be able to continue seeing me he said due to this, we'll see he said.

So, we met at a lovely, semi-pricey restaurant. He is a class act when it comes to dinner. He is a nice man and I don't have any negatives judgments about him, just observations.

- He is afraid to love because he is afraid she will leave him. He is open about this and takes responsibility for his mistrust completely.

- He is friends with many former gf's, sends them birthday wishes every year, does favors for them, even their new bf's. That's a sign of a nice man.

- He was open about childhood issues and relates them to his issues with women.

He made observations about me which I appreciated and surprised me, given this is just our 3rd date.

- He can't "figure" me out. I hold back, I am closed off. He feels he is walking on eggshells with me, doesn't feel comfortable with me as a result. I couldn't agree with him more, given my current break up with the taurus. I noticed my "defense" skills: laughing things off, not answering him directly when he wanted to know about what happened with taurus. (He knew about him prior to our first date).

When he shared this, I offered to be totally honest and offered to answer any questions. he said he wasn't "ready" to ask me anything yet. He seems very hesitant to move forward with me despite his saying he wants to get to know me better and see me again. Again, I totally understand him on this. He said out loud he was scared to while I was still thinking about taurus. I said I understood and asked if we could be friends. (And yes, the fact that the taurus had asked ME the same thing did cross my mind). He said he wasnt sure yet.

I should probably be just real with him and insist we not spend time together. He likes me and I just know I have nothing to give him. I am an emotional time bomb. Before the date, I was a mess. My emotions have been totally over whelming this week, though completely under control, I feel them literally on the verge of exploding into tears and deep melancholy.

I was very glad to have a diversion tonight and for his incredible insight into me and my behavior. Here's something funny....he isn't a wealthy guy so I said if we do get together again, I'd like to treat. He laughed and said "Good luck with that. I'm a gentleman, that's what we do".

See what happens when a woman tries to take the role of the male? Straight from the horse's mouth. I need to do the female role and he NEEDS to do the male role.; August 7, 2013 at 9:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi ladies,

I just thought I'd share the below with you that I've copied from my online dating site. Haha it made me laugh that they have used the term 'red flags'

'There are certain red flags to watch for that may indicate you're dealing with a scammer. Be aware of anyone who…

1. Quickly asks to talk or chat on an outside email or messaging service
2. Vanishes mysteriously from the site, then reappears under a different name
3. Talks about "destiny" or "fate"
4. Claims to be recently widowed
5. Asks for your address under the guise of sending flowers or gifts
6. Makes an inordinate amount of grammar and/or spelling errors
7. Claims to be from U.S. but currently travelling, living or working abroad
8. Asks you for money.'

So far I've had someone approach me doing item 1&2 twice and I've noticed a lot of profiles with ridiculous grammar/spelling mistakes...

It also says not to give out private e-mails, phone numbers until you are ready and built up a level of trust.

I'm finding the most I communicate seem to be ok and genuine and if I pick up a whiff of a red flag I'm out of there!

Haha someone who vanishes mysteriously I've had that and with the profile change and so a disappearing man in this case could actually be a scammer!

Enjoy your on-line dating, I am...I don't want to put anybody off by any means but I just wanted to share this with the ladies as I know some are currently dating and it's good for us to have are wits about us!!

Love to all; August 8, 2013 at 6:29 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey, its Kayak girl again.....just wanted to give you an update. So, after recieving the email that said i sent you another text on saturday, isnt your number xxx-xxxx? so i sent an email the next day saying no, its this...xxx-xxxx. So then, nothing....so yes i sent a couple of more emails asking where he went? hope is ok, etc. Had not seen him in 2 weeks, and had not heard from him in a week....so finally. i get an email saying he was ok, was feeling humiliated and embarrassed about his finances, that he still had not gotten his phone yet, ( me not believing that it was taking 2 weeks, but knowing i had called it numerous times, and kept getting the same message, the person you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time, please try your call again later, so i guess he isnt lying..)and how after going out with some peeps after work, one of the guys girlfriends said something that really thru him over, and it had been a tough 2 weeks, and that he hopes his phone is in the mail when he gets home.... (so he's going out with someone, its just not me.) i havent seen him in over 2 weeks!!!so then i get a the next day it says....just got the phone turned on today. so i wait about 3 hours and i send a :).

thats it, no asking to see me all that time, no emailing me to see me, no calling me from his work phone. so, am still heartbroken, but desperately trying not to text or call him, especially while im out partying....i checked this am to make sure i hadnt. thank god, not. Did i mention i am turning 51 this year, and he will be 43. Anyway, I realize its a hopeless cause, and im dealing with it the best i can. Been going out way too much, but trying to keep busy. and staying away from the places he goes, as i really do not want to run into him. that would crush me. remember he had texted me weeks ago that he didnt want to see anyone, and i say, so that means me too? so i said have a good life and he said you too, i mean that. so i should have heard that then, but our texts continued....so here we are. Still desperately want to see him, but im not gonna chase him. thanks. Kayak girl; August 8, 2013 at 9:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: OMG, Ladies!
You HAVE GOT to read this one, LOL.

I've spoken before about how many modern men (not all, but many these days) "market" themselves with what generally always appears to be a great PR campaign selling you (bullshitting you) on a great product they have to offer you - (themselves, LOL). I'm sure my regular readers recall these discussions.

Well this one takes the cake, girls.

This is a man, a surgeon to be exact, that's looking for love. He went to a networking event that was marketing and business related, and afterwards, he sent this email blast out to everyone that was in attendance at the event, seeking leads to "Miss Right," listing his criteria for his perfect future wife and bragging about how popular he is online and how well educated he is.

Hold onto your seats ladies, there's a HUGE blast of entitlement and narcissism headed your way here:

http://www.marcensign.com/memarketing-and-the-worst-it-was-nice-meeting-you-e-mail-you-will-ever-read/

It was just too good. . .err, bad. . .not to share here, given that we discuss this type of successful, entitled, arrogant man here quite often.

Enjoy! ;-); August 8, 2013 at 3:12 PM
KK said...: Hey ladies,
Still here, reading everyone's comments and trying to stay ‘tuned’ in. I haven't had a chance to write, I've had a busy week since I was last active here - it got to a point where I felt really overwhelmed by everything, had some really bad anxiety (life is just getting to me), had too many 'thoughts', thankfully though I've vented to my girlfriends and didn't take any action elsewhere. One day at a time now, don't panic, don't freak out, breathe and let it pass.
Been thinking a lot about the possible 'date' with Taurus and everyone's advice/suggestions, and still haven't responded to him - his last message was sent a week ago and I see that he was last online yesterday evening, he can see when I was on as well. Just biding my time, plus this extra week could be an opportunity for him to reach out again, possibly with a different suggestion, since I haven't answered him yet, I could be turned off or not impressed. We'll see. It would all be ideas anyway and not a concrete plan at first, he's trying to get a feel for me and what I would enjoy. So upon thinking about it, I would like to add the the pool idea and suggest to him that we grab coffee or something beforehand and head down to the boardwalk here where we live (prime location, very popular, peaceful, enjoyable and quiet)- this would also allow for 'bonding' and communication and be somewhat romantic, and it seems pretty flexible, meaning - say you both meet, take the walk, talk, get to know eachother and by the end of it if you're not all that interested and want to part ways, you're free to do so, and on the other hand if it goes well and you want to continue the 'date', then you go ahead to dinner and then to play a game of pool (or whatever else he may come up with) - It's a compromise and a happy medium I think. So again, we'll see how he responds to that.
My birthday was last wknd and I spent some time with family out of town, upon returning I found out Pisces was also out of town spending time with his family - family he has not seen in years. It was obvious it was my birthday and many people sent their messages/wishes via social media or text, he did not. I had a nice weekend only to return home and feel 'low' again for a few minutes. I had thought "oh maybe he was so busy, he didn't notice or remember or wasn't even notified somehow". Either way, he would have known about it after the fact too and still didn't do anything.
Some pictures were posted of him (with different members of his family) and again, he looks like HELL. It's all on his face, like when you're really stressed out, it shows right? On a man, I've seen it with another one as well - it REALLY shows and you can just tell something is going on... Regardless, he seemed happy to have that 'reunion', spend time with them and was posting nice things about his nieces and nephews who he adores and he missed them terribly. On top of those observations, I also noticed that for almost 2 weeks now, that other woman wasn't/hasn't been 'active' on his page, and just recently (after the weekend) he removed/unfriended her and had said something like: "Thanks for the bs". I think externally, something else had happened that I couldn't see or wasn't aware of and it sent him running for the hills. A big 'I told you so'. I saw it coming, not to preach, so now I'm kind of smiling about it - he did it all on his own, and took ACTION, the action alone of 'unfriending' her is huge and it's a pretty clear 'sign' of trouble.; August 8, 2013 at 3:49 PM
KK said...: Going on 24 days here since our last actual conversation and if I count from the last text I sent, going on 18 days. The longest (before I caved) was 16 days, so I've surpassed that 'threshold'. It does fly by. (And I can't put into words how I'm feeling about it exactly)
My friend who was trying to get my attention after 3-4 months eventually sent me a message and asked how I was doing and she hoped I was well, I responded a day later, she texted asking if I would be free to talk, we spent 3 hours 'catching up' and the first question she asked me was "So, how's things with ******?", "Are you still like, with him?" - I laughed and said no, we were never really together, she knew right then something was wrong, I filled her in on everything since April and she couldn't believe it - she actually said to me "It seems like things only got worse, but yet.. you backed off and gave him what he was really asking for, I don't understand!" And she's totally on the same page as me when it comes to 'game playing' or mixed messages, he's always back and forth. She heard about 'new girl' and her behaviour and said OMG! "But he complained about YOU?!". The disrespect, his thoughts on me during our last conversation - but then jealousy and confusion and assumptions/accusations. I've given him some space before and his own time to do whatever else he wanted, she knows that, and I only informed her that I was amping it up now - She agreed it was the right and smart thing to do, he'll realize all on his own what he's losing and what he's throwing away and what he did, etc. She said he needs to figure out on his own what he wants and seems to think he's hanging onto me for a reason, that reason hasn't been revealed yet. She also told me her ex and Pisces aren't getting along, the last time she spoke to him she had asked about me and Pisces and how things were going and her ex told her "Well I don't know too much, he's been pretty quiet about it, all I know is - it's not the same and things are different now".
That's all fine and dandy and some things were nice to hear, but it's until he says something to ME that I can gauge things.
This friend is also acting a bit 'wishy washy' right away too, I'm trying to be careful with her as well - set some boundaries at least. She says she'll call and then doesn't, she tried at 'getting together' with me near the end of the weekend and then suddenly bailed and ran to another friend's for a bbq.
It's almost as if everyone is 'testing' me, everything is happening at once.
I'm trying to take Gem's advice and 'breathe' - but trying to be strong is flippin hard sometimes!; August 8, 2013 at 3:54 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ KK - Breathing is your fuel... as long as you are breathing you are living. And as long as you are living there is hope for the future. So just keep breathing, one breath at a time. And trust your instincts girl. They are right.

@ Lady Leo - what is going on? A date? Where did that come from? What happened to stepping back and tending to yourself. I wrote a little bit ago how society and the media push that people always have to have something to fill the emptiness... girl, people are not to be used as distractions to fill a void -- again, that's cruel.

Until we face our challenges and learn how to manage them (if we cannot overcome them), we will not be able grow and move on to better things.

I understand this meeting was something you initiated and he jumped on, but if our intentions are not pure, karma knows it and we'll feel the effects of it. Why do that to yourself?

BTW - I think I'd like to meet Aries Cop because he sounds like a sweetheart and a good man.

@ Ms. Mirror, ugh! Driving to work today, I had to shake myself up to stop myself thinking, "maybe I should say this to CO to let him know I'm interested..." and, "maybe I should just make him fish or cut bait about whether we are going to meet or not..." UGH!!! WTF!!!

I had started think about how he only sent the one txt yesterday and didn't respond when I responded, and started thinking that HE WASN'T GETTING WHAT HE WANTED SO HE WAS MOVING ON, and I SHOULD DO THIS OR THAT... ugh! I wanted to kick my own ass!

And it was all FEAR! f'n fear!

I held on to my self and did not react. I went to work and forced myself to NOT DO ANYTHING except just get to work.

And, at 8:45AM, he started his texting. We txt over 3 hr timeframe until I got bored with it. He still hasn't asked me out... and is still trying to convince me what a great guy he is (with words).

But, MANNNN, that was HORRIBLE! My desire to have my immediate needs met almost took power over my life needs.

Thank you for your advice NOT to do anything, and reinforcement that my responding to CO is all the encouragement needed for a man to ask a woman out and lead.

Breath everyone! Breath!!!; August 8, 2013 at 7:01 PM
Anonymous said...: @ MOA-

Priceless. Apparently this is the guy and he is a complete tool:

http://gawker.com/5891278/you-do-not...zy-eye-surgeon

http://gawker.com/5485270/best-roomm...finding-female; August 8, 2013 at 7:55 PM
Lady Leo said...: Cruel? Cruel is manipulating with the intent to achieve something from someone. Please...

It was a simple 2 hr dinner date in which we both agreed to be friends.

You're judgement is not appreciated.; August 9, 2013 at 1:25 PM
Lady Leo said...: I want to wish everyone here the best of luck and love in finding yourselves. I have appreciated the lovely people who have posted and shared themselves on this site.

I am moving on and wanted to express my gratitude for the love, support and amazing insight everyone has shared. Remember to always know your value and worth. That comes before any man or relationship.

The best is yet to come for you all!!
xo; August 9, 2013 at 3:16 PM
Miss_virgo said...: I should have found this article earlier. I actually feel good about myself now reading all the comments here (top to bottom) because I can relate entirely to their situation. Well, I also have story to tell…..
I’ve been attached to this Leo guy and since I’m a Virgo I really don’t think we’re compatible. We worked in the same company. I knew him as an outgoing, friendly and a jolly person. He has these gestures of wanting to get an attention from you. By then we began dating for about 3 months. He already had gone to our hometown; that is 4 hrs away from his city and met my family before we’ve made our relationship official. I also met his. Everything went smoothly for about 2-3 months until I noticed for the remaining months he began acting oddly. I tried to understand him it’s all because he got promoted as a technical support and was adjusting to his new task. From that day on I observed he spent most of his time to his work and as I termed, “work obsessed”. At first, even he’s busy he still able to do his obligation as my bf; calls me at the end of the day to check if I went home safely, ate outside exclusively and even hang out on weekends. But this lasted only for short while. After then I don’t understand why he suddenly became so distant at me. He still calls me but I felt he has changed. We never hang out as often as we did before and if we do we would not spend the whole day with each other and he would insist instead that I should go home early. Though I don’t want to go home yet but I just can’t refuse. To think sunday is the only day where we could spend some quality time with each other but I felt it was a sort of deprivation. Reason? He is busy...have so many things to do…etc…and when I asked him the next day he would say he was just sleeping or gone out with his friends. Because of that we often fought with each other. Even though we worked in the same company but it seems we’re apart from each other. So near yet so far. I started getting jealous to his friends because if he’s truly busy why he has the time to go with them while to me he’s ignoring. I felt I’m less priority. Our company held its general meeting every quarter and usually after the event we hanged out with most of our friends ‘coz that’s the only time we meet and gather altogether. That time he wanted me to go home again early ‘coz he’ll go out with his male friends to play computer game but this time I refused. In the end, I was able to convince him to join with us but I ended up hurting. He still keeps on ignoring me and even scolded in front of his closest friends. I was so ashamed that I cried. I felt I was not that important to him, I somehow felt I was like an option. It came to a point I already don’t understand what has been going on bet. us and he is now acting more distant. I tried to talk to him to sort things out but he always ignores me and would say, “maybe next time if I’m no longer busy”. C’mon there you go again! Our relationship lasted only for 10 months with no proper closure between us. We’ve both decided to let it end. The last conversation we had he said that we’re not yet emotionally ready and I guess he was right about it. I realized maybe I was just acting too stingy and needy and I pressured him a lot. After a month I said my final goodbye to him because I resigned from the company and about to go back to my hometown. But these words he left, “it’s not goodbye for the two of us. We’ll still meet again someday”. And so after five months of NO communication he suddenly appeared.; August 10, 2013 at 1:47 AM
Miss_virgo said...: (cont.)

He consistently texted and even called at night and wonderin’ what he is up to. All I know is that there is this excitement I felt within. Even before I already have this gut-feeling that we could be together again someday and I guess this already is it. We have this texting and calling relationship for about 5 months and we said each other like “miss you”. One day I went to his place for some reason. He knew about it and invited me if we could meet each other and so I give in. I allowed myself to sleep with him one night in the hotel and something had happened to us. For our 10 months of being in a relationship that was our first time to let ourselves give in. He said he still loves me and that he misses me so much. He also said his apology but never discussed anything about the past. He also added that it would be better we’re in this way away with each other so we could focus on ourselves more. And besides he plans working outside the country. So we’re back again but decided to just keep it in private. For our first 2 weeks he still calls me up while the rest of the days he suddenly went off silent. And it’s been a month now he’s not contacting me anymore after some sort of disagreement. I became upset after knowing he had to file a leave for an outing. I texted him and told him that I was upset coz’ why when it comes to something else he’s so willing to take a leave and when it comes to my request all I could hear from him again were just his excuses. Its one thing I hate about him. Excuses…his damn excuses… But I humbled myself and once tried to call him to ask an apology for what I did yet he ignored and then texted that he’s busy. From that day on, I never initiated calls or even texts. He said he wanted to give us a second chance but I felt nothing has changed. I wanna regret. If only I knew earlier about this mirroring I already have done this before I jumped in right away. And I swear if he appears again I would surely do this mirroring, I hope he reappears. I also felt there was this something missing in our relationship even long before. I just can’t find this feeling of intimacy that I’ve been looking for in a relationship. I felt there is a barrier between us. It lacks closeness. And everything is always been on his terms. Aside from that he is too cautious when it comes to his phone so it gives me a doubt. I don’t understand why I’m still hooked up. He seems so distant even if we’re in good terms. I just don’t know if he was just trying to string me along all this time. Also he needs to understand that he can't run and hide when he gets upset. Should I cut him loose? I care for this guy, but this isn't healthy nor is it the type of relationship I want. It’s his birthday today and I’m in a second thought of greeting him on his birthday. What should I do? Please help.; August 10, 2013 at 1:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
I think given your recent behavior here, your decision is a wise one and for the best.

I'm not sure that you realize just how much your tone here as of late has changed and you've been purposefully emitting a veiled energy, an undertone of provocation, instigation and challenge - particularly towards me and my beliefs - giving other women and new readers here the wrong impression of what I advocate here - as if to say, "FU MOA, I'll do it my way - but then I'll come and use your site to talk about it."

That's like knowing someone is against animal cruelty - but then using their site to post and comment about torturing animals.

"I said if we do get together again, I'd like to treat." (You know I do not advocate that.)

"he hasnt pursued me. . .So I texted yesterday" (You know I do not advocate initiating contact and chasing men.)

"how about tomorrow night?. . .hmmmm oh ok" (You know I do not advocate accepting last minute date requests.)

"I leaned in to him, kissed him goodbye on the cheek and called him a "dumbass" (You know I do not advocate name calling and poor treatment.)

"I whispered to taurus to "move over" and sat on half of his chair!! My left butt cheek and his right were on the same chair. I had no place to put my left arm, so I put it on his back and started to rub his back and neck!!" . . ."then my hand, as if it had a life of its own, started rubbing his belly under his shirt!!!" (You know I do not advocate aggressive sexual behavior.)

"I am now accepting suggestions on what to say in reply to him. NOT cus I am interested..NO WAY...but as a "lesson"...you know, to assist him with his efforts to meet the lady of his dreams. Cus clearly, dude needs a schooling!!" (You know I do not advocate game playing and instigating with men.)

"I am no longer playing games with taurus" (You know I do not advocate game playing.)

"I texted him last week when I was in pain about the taurus." (You know I do not advocate game playing and initiating contact.)

"Two hours later I replied with a pic of me and "LOL". . .He "felt" the stupid game playing just as I did. He knew his sending pics and my responding in kind was stupid games." (You know I do not advocate game playing.)

"My game playing stops here." (You know I do not advocate game playing.)

"Couldn't keep NC. One day I would, next day I'd email him or he email me. All superfiscial crap really." (You know I do not advocate taking action on fluctuating emotions and being disingenuous.)

Cont. . .; August 10, 2013 at 12:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Two nights ago I texted to say hello. he replied with 2 texts to which I didn't reply immediately. . .I DO have a history of ignoring his texts" (You know I do not advocate initiating and game playing.)

"didn't end with his disappearing. . .Yesterday I planned NC" (You know I do not advocate using these tactics on men who are treating you well as it's then construed as game playing.)

"And here he was sharing a special moment with me. How could I NOT reply?. . .I send one of me out on the town in a strapless dress" (You know I do not advocate game playing.)

I'm sorry dear, but for a long time member, reader and contributor to this community, you do not seem to be receiving any value from the information contained here. Rather, I almost feel as if you actually enjoy posting about your use of the exact OPPOSITE tactics I advocate here - as if you're challenging my methods openly yet in a veiled manner - which is why it's a wise choice to leave. If you do not find the information contained here useful and you repeatedly willfully decide to do the exact opposite and/or misuse it instead, then it's clear that this place has no value for you.

Additionally, you no longer seem to be open to feedback or constructive criticism and instead, chose to make accusations towards others of being judgmental when that feedback isn't complimentary, becoming defensive and confrontational in tone - when you are the one posting in a public forum asking for feedback in the first place. And that's not handling yourself with dignity and grace dear.

I do wish you the best and I also wish you continued success on your path dear. I've tried hard to help you experience change, growth and self-improvement - and I hope to see you stand strong and continue your efforts in whatever method you find most condusive to that growth and improvement.; August 10, 2013 at 12:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Miss Virgo,
"Should I cut him loose?"

I would. He's had two chances, both of them ending with the same exact behavior on his part - so why put yourself through that a 3rd time?

"What should I do?"

Nothing. There's nothing that you can do to make a man love you or want a relationship with you. You can't control anything here except your reaction.

You have to think of yourself and protect yourself. You deserve better, but if you settle for less, then less is what you get.

I'd suggest that you do not revisit this situation when he reappears or you'll end up in this same exact scenario all over again. Instead, cease responding to him when he resurfaces and try to move on as best you can and make room in your life for a man who will appreciate you and treat you respectfully.; August 10, 2013 at 1:30 PM
Pisces Girl said...: Hi Mirror- i'm hoping i could share this link with your readers as it sheds some light on why we as women stay in bad relationships particularly the excuses we make. Its from a Christian standpoint but i think it relates to all women regardless of religious beliefs -here is the link:

http://www.cbn.com/family/datingsingles/top-10-excuses-stay-bad-relationship-miser.aspx

"Hanging onto mediocre relationships is like dumpster diving for trash when God is offering true treasure just around the bend."

i think we all know when we're in bad relationships and for one reason or another find it so hard to let go and it goes beyond the fear of being alone.
i think when a man has done you so wrong and has hurt you so bad its hard to cope with those feelings it hurts so bad its almost paralyzes you. Im not sure how you can just move past that and let him get away with it. You mentioned before how you should just sit back and let karma come around and deal with him because it almost always does and that made me feel so much better so does keeping in mind that hes not gonna treat the next woman any better because hes a man child and isn't really capable of changing. But some people would say that it just takes the right woman to change a man-from your experience do you think this is true?or do you think a zebra cant change its stripes? and thank you again for your continued posts i come here almost daily -i just love your writing style and your wise input and advice.; August 11, 2013 at 7:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"But some people would say that it just takes the right woman to change a man - from your experience do you think this is true?"

Well, that depends on a couple of factors: Feelings, timing and willingness. And it isn't a woman changing the man - it's the man being willing to change himself.

If a man is showing signs of emotional maturity and a willingness to grow and become a better man, then yes, if a woman meets a man at that time in his life when he's ready and willing to settle down, it can happen. But the man must be showing this in his ACTIONS. Not simply SAYING he wants to do these things, but actually DOING things that show and demonstrate this as well.

"do you think a zebra cant change its stripes?"

Again, that really depends on the individual. I've seen men in their 60's that haven't changed since their 20's. And I've seen men in their 30's and 40's suddenly change and become much different than they were in their 20's, etc. But this all depends on the man's willingness to do so - the change comes from him, not necessarily from a woman.; August 11, 2013 at 10:30 AM
KK said...: Ugh! Pisces is 'hanging' around again, 'liking' all my stuff on FB - including something I mentioned about a 'date'. WTF?! - why would he like something like that?
Last time he was jealous and all upset and now he seems to enjoy that I might have a date coming up? Like he's suddenly happy for me? LOL - I don't buy that.

I had a very strong urge to say something back, but I fought it off. SILENCE SILENCE SILENCE. No reaction/s.

Hopping from woman to woman it seems, and when it doesn't work with one, he goes to another, when it doesn't work with her, he runs to me (and cowardly too) Still no texts/calls.. it's all done via social media.
It's all tests probably and to see if I'll 'chase' - not going to happen! But I'm obviously a little annoyed tonight by that. I know it would be wrong to say, but deep down I feel like "Ya ******, another man is picking up the slack where you couldn't - go away".

Before this happened, earlier today I was thinking how he could stay in contact/or at least keep me as a 'friend' on FB if all I am was a F buddy to him. Do F buddies frequent the other's page and like everything? I don't think so. And then I had thought (bc I had gotten a little angry by this time) that I should just unfriend him or block him. He's got my number, and my address - that's all he really needs. I'm also trying to leave things as they are and just not do anything, no response, nothing.

Since I started NC and haven't talked to him, he's been coming around in this manner and it seems to be increasing a bit, he just can't leave me alone.

Everything else is good.. business as usual. Just peeved by Pisces.; August 11, 2013 at 11:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi KK,

'I'm also trying to leave things as they are and just not do anything, no response, nothing'.

That's right hun I'd stick on that one, he's trying to get a reaction and get you to do the work and you're not falling for it.

'Since I started NC and haven't talked to him, he's been coming around in this manner and it seems to be increasing a bit, he just can't leave me alone'.

Well it's starting to work honey, bit by bit, see what he does next, give him time to realise that you're not going to chase him.

He's obviously interested in you but whether in is genuine interest is another matter. He's playing head games, stay strong in your boundaries and focus on that strength of yours when you feel angry and you might find that the anger dissipates and you can just sit back and watch the show! :)

I wouldn't make any changes on FB as that would give him a reaction and you would be annoyed with yourself then. Don't give him anything it's up to him to man up and give himself if he really wants you and if he doesn't do you really want him away?

See what happens ;); August 12, 2013 at 2:00 PM
chk61 said...: Hello to all:

I've been laying low for a while, mainly because I was not following MOA's advice. :-( I will share my story a bit later but I just wanted to check in, say hello and say thanks for sharing your stories...and thanks to MOA.

OK, gotta get to work but in a nutshell and a quick recap, in mid-April I contacted my disappearing man, just over 2 months after his disappearance. He replied quickly that same evening that he was going to contact me (but I apparently jumped the gun....my first error). That contact started up another almost 3 months of dating, mostly initiated by me (I know, I KNOW!!!) I had turned 52 and I just said "WTF, I'm going to go after what I want." I'm not ready to say I regret it because I did get something out of it after a LONG period of celibacy and frankly, it felt really good to feel those zingy feelings for a man again. I am not sure that things would have worked out with this man even if I did EVERYTHING right. Yet, I did develop some feelings of attachment (I'm only human, after all) and now I'm dealing with that. Well, there is always risk when entering into a relationship or even dating someone....the risk that it won't work out. And let's face it, most of the time it does not work out.

We did not officially break up because we were never officially a couple. But his continued lukewarm vibe has finally gotten to me and I have pretty much thrown in the towel.

He's out of town visiting family for the next 3 weeks and I'm starting no contact and seriously pursuing other options starting today. Thanks again for the support here...; August 13, 2013 at 8:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies,
An interesting read:

http://healthland.time.com/2013/08/13/the-truth-about-college-hookups/

This also falls in line with the statistical information shared in the book, The 30 Day Love Detox. This hookup culture that many men would have you believe is commonplace with EVERYONE - is NOT.

These men who attempt to insinuate that "everyone is doing it" are giving you a false impression so that you'll buy into it, jump onto the imaginary bandwagon, and participate yourself.

Everyone is NOT doing it. It's okay to say "no." Sex will NOT lead you to a relationship. Saying no and slowing things down to a pace that you are comfortable with (friends first) is perfectly acceptable - and men that have the same values as yourself WILL accept that.

Don't get caught up in this hookup culture that's being touted right now. . .because it's a fallacy that's being perpetuated by the abuse of social media and the public media in general.

Regardless of what people will have you believe, traditional ways are still the best route to success and hyper sexually aggressive behavior is NOT the norm, whether you're a man or a woman.

On a primal level, men and women are still coded in the same exact manner that they were 1000 years ago - mother nature's natural gender roles. That hasn't changed in thousands of years and I don't think it's going to anytime soon.; August 13, 2013 at 11:52 AM
@lONDONcALLING said...: Hey girlies,

Its poignant to see that we're all human and regress from time to time when we fall off the proverbial wagon, reach out to our disappeared men or ache for them.

I'm having one of those days myself, an achy-heart kind of day and in asmuch as we're surrounded my insecure, hurting, broken men, there are those men out there who have been through heart break and figure it out too late.

To our divorced ladies on here, MOA, Gem, Chk61 [?] Did your men come around post heart-obliteration, hat in hand? I'm thinking that's a slightly different dynamic from a post dating-disappeared man as vows were involved? Your thoughts?

Below is a powerful post of a newly divorced man who sees the error of his ways yet encourages us all to be seekers of the truth even as we feel wronged. Our encouragement should be that there are men out there like this, who exist.

• Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 37 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

Cont~; August 13, 2013 at 3:39 PM
@lONDONcALLING said...: 6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

Cont~; August 13, 2013 at 3:41 PM
@lONDONcALLING said...: 13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

Cont~; August 13, 2013 at 3:42 PM
@lONDONcALLING said...: In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

________________________

There is hope..
Hugs to all
xoxo; August 13, 2013 at 3:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @London Calling,
"To our divorced ladies on here, MOA - Did your men come around post heart-obliteration, hat in hand? I'm thinking that's a slightly different dynamic from a post dating - disappeared man as vows were involved? Your thoughts?"

Oh sweetie, I've suffered more than one disappearing/reappearing man in my life, LOL. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count them all over the years anymore.

Sure, my ex made attempts to get back in the door - but he said he missed the dog, the cat and the house - not me. He missed his situation, not his marriage. So no, he did not see the error of his ways when he made this attempt and no, he did not take one ounce of responsibility.

As a matter of fact, the day the divorce papers arrived - he validated that I had made the right choice divorcing him when he phoned me and said:

"[No "Hello, how are you?"] ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!!! You got what you wanted. Look at what YOU'VE done!! I don't know why you always have to be such a damn bitch. Other women go through this [cheating husbands] and they don't throw away their marriages over it. You're a God damn bitch and I hope you're happy!" [Click. . .Dialtone]

And I WAS HAPPY ladies. Hell, I was ecstatic and elated over finally being done with his selfish, entitled, narcissistic outlook on life imposing on my happiness all the time. I almost framed the damn divorce papers, LOL.

This man had been cheating on me since the 3rd year of our marriage - yet when he was hit with the harsh reality of divorce as a consequence to HIS ACTIONS once he was finally caught - I was suddenly the most heinous woman on the planet for leaving him.

So no - he didn't learn a damn thing and to this day, HE holds a grudge against ME - as if I was the one who somehow screwed him over. He hasn't absorbed one ounce of responsibility but yes, he did want a second chance. Go figure.

But he sure did validate that I had made the right decision for myself. Because what he was saying there was actually this:

"I know I cheated, but you need to just get over it and accept that these things are going to happen. You should still love me for it, even if I no longer love you. You should continue to GIVE to me, and let me TAKE from you."

He confirmed that a life of "having his cake and eating it too" is what he expected from the woman in his life. That's the way his mother lived with his father for 40 years, so I guess it was normal and expected in his world for the man to cheat and for the woman to swallow his crap with a smile.

Problem is - he didn't marry his mother - he married me hehe ;-); August 13, 2013 at 5:19 PM
chk61 said...: I'm not divorced, I'm never married..no kids. I sometimes think that with this particular guy, who is divorced with kids, that if my life path was more like his that he'd be more into me. Maybe I"m grasping at straws but I think it is a factor (in addition to me being six years older). Also, maybe since I never married I never bought property or have had a mortgage (but I have a lot of money saved!) I dunno, sometimes you can't win.; August 13, 2013 at 5:56 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ LondonCalling
That is a great piece you shared.

Re: your question, I was married at 18, I left with two toddlers at 22 – we were kids having kids. After about 6 months, when I was finally getting my life together, he came traipsing back saying now he wanted me and the kids back to be a family, etc. It probably lasted a week (if that) before his partying and selfish behavior started all over again. I can’t remember how long he stayed, but eventually he was gone and continually lied about getting the divorce papers, etc. I finally had to do it and then, as he said he would when we were married, he made my (and ultimately the kids) life hell for my leaving/divorcing him.

So, no, I don’t think divorce is a catalyst of change for men in general. I think a bad man is a bad man. No woman or situation will change them. They need to have the ability to look within themselves as the author of your piece has done – bad men cannot look within for answers, they are always looking outwards for what will fill their needs.

@ Ms Mirror and All

Update on CO. This has really been a good learning experience. I last said I almost got stupid and chased him out of fear, but I didn’t. He text on Thursday and Friday his “good morning” texts, we text a bit, a lot of humor, and that’s the end of it.

CO text me Saturday afternoon and I asked him to call when he could because I hate texting at home. He does, and we chat for a couple hours. I was supposed to have my granddaughter for the evening, and when he asked me what I was doing Sat night, I explained her cancellation so he knows I have nothing planned. But he doesn’t ask to get together.

At some point he does mention getting together generically, and I’ve finally had enough. I knew I had to be careful not to sound like I was leading, but I’m sure I was when I said, “I’m curious. If we do meet, how do you think it is going to happen?” or something like that.

He said he thought it would be by a decision made by both of us, or something like that.

I tried to be tactful and explained that I would not be leading, and referred to one of our conversations about working hard at work, but when I come home I like to leave that all behind and just be a woman.

All I remember him saying next was, “Well, in this day and age, I think women can… just as much as men …. “ I honestly can’t remember his words, because I was too busy grabbing for my ‘Ms. Mirror glasses’ in order to see what was actually going on. Lol

-continued-; August 13, 2013 at 8:23 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued 2 of 2

I don’t remember much of what else was said. We talked about our kids, pets, etc. Oh, but he did ask me to send him a picture of myself again. I said, “What kind of a woman sends her pic to a man she has never met?”

He hmm’d and haw’d, and I said, “No, really? What do you think of a woman who sends a text of herself to a man she has never met?”

He said he got my point, and sent me one of him – he was at his poolside, and the pic of him was shirtless showing his face w/the top of his bare chest.

(He looked so much sexier with his uniform on.) I told him it was a good photo and then advised him not to put the pic on the dating site because it’s written in the advice section that men who post pics of their naked chests are only looking for hook-ups.

He didn’t know how to take it. I repeated it was a good pic, just don’t put it on the dating site. He got a bit testy and said he doesn’t add any pics to the site.

We chatted some more, and then his dogs needed feeding, so he said he’d, “bug me later.”

Well, thank goodness, my sis-in-law called and invited me over. I went to her place, although a piece of me was thinking CO might call to go out, etc. But guess what? He didn’t.

I heard from him again yesterday when I got home from work (no good morning text). A couple texts back and forth and then he said, “bug you later.” Hmmm, second time he's used that phrase... code words for… I didn’t hear from him later.

So, this AM he texts me a good morning (with my name – he’s gotten that I appreciate and respond to that effort), but now I’ve had enough of this texting crap. So, I decide I’m going to pull back on the rubberband. I don’t respond (and I feel guilty about it!!!) But I don’t respond.

Tonight, he text me > Bad day???!

I remember Ms. Mirror saying we do not have to explain ourselves (I actually have to say it over and over and over again to convince myself.) So I responded 10 minutes later > Hi (his name) No day is bad when everyone is ok :)Hope all is good in ur world. Can chat later if u want… cuz… I “H” texting at home!

That was 2 hrs ago, and no response. I don’t know what his gig is, but I think he expects me to chase after him or he is busy with other women from the dating site. Although I am off the site, I expect he is still on it – and that’s ok. If I meet a man in person, I will not hesitate to accept a date.

The whole thing is just interesting to me… kind of like a Science project.

I’m not going to be an easy lay. I’m not going to chase him. My self-worth and self-respect is probably higher than his. And my money is now on CO disappearing! What do you think?

HUGS! ; August 13, 2013 at 8:28 PM
Pisces Girl said...: hahaha you are too funny!!i love that you framed the divorce papers!! i think even ONCE is too many times for a man to cheat but many women (and im guilty of this too) will turn a blind eye even if we dont happen to catch them in the act like you caught yours we'll still pretend that we don't really know whats going on though deep down we know the truth...sometimes its easier to not deal with the truth and the pain that comes with the reality of the way things are versus the way we would like them to be. But i think what you strive to emphasis here and correct me if im wrong is that we as women HAVE to deal with the truth of what is being presented to us by these men instead of living in our little fantasy world with our rose colored glasses on-some men are more skillful at playing the role of a gentleman (they are better actors) while others are more blatantly self centered selfish entitled playboys but either way i think we know when were not being treated with love, respect and kindness based on how were feeling and the fact that all of us ladies come on here for answers because we're questioning these men- that alone tells us that these men are well... questionable! The women who i see that are happy and feel loved and secure in their relationships whether they are dating,engaged or married don't have any doubts about their partners -they just know who they are and what they're all about and these guys don't give them enough reason to go online or anywhere else to seek answers about them because they're open, honest and upfront-real men who have nothing to hide-no hidden agendas, no game playing, no asshole moves. Not to say every man in question here is bad news but i think for the ladies reading this that it may just be a red flag warning about them because they usually fit into the men behaving badly category not the nice gentleman category and luckily Mirror is here to help us decipher that and i think many times confirm our own thoughts and feelings that we may have been trying to overlook.; August 14, 2013 at 12:35 AM
KK said...: Ladies and MOA, I heard back from the Taurus about the 'suggestion' I made, he replied within 2 days and first thing this morning.

"That sounds good! My vehicle is being fixed as we speak so I should be mobile by the end of the weekend. Til then its the good ol' bike haha. I'm free the rest of this week... Not too sure about next week though, I can probably make something work but I'd prefer sometime this week if possible? I don't mean to rush things its just I don't end up with a lot of free time like this usually :P"

Ok, so now I'm torn between options. I was mirroring him and his responses.. so if I do that again, I can't reply until Friday - and then that wouldn't be sufficient/or proper 3 day notice for a weekend date.

However, I am free this weekend as well - It could work for Sat-Sun, but I also don't want to jump and 'accommodate' this man.
I have no idea what next week will bring - for me right now, anything could (and will) happen!

I noticed he isn't asking me right out and setting up the actual date, but instead inquiring about a time that would work for me - so there's some consideration at least. There's also the fact that he won't have his vehicle til the 'end of the weekend' anyway - So I'm just wondering what all of you think, if replying tomorrow and setting up something for Sunday would be ok? - Or should I continue to do what I'm doing and let it ride out so to speak? (Just want to do it right)

To Anonymous who wrote me Aug, 12, "see what he does next, give him time to realise that you're not going to chase him."
You know what he did next, 2 days later? Liked something else again! So as I said, it's increasing. I haven't chased and am giving him that 'time' to realize I'm not gonna be running after you, but keep trying! And whatever he is 'liking' is just the usual stuff, nothing out of the ordinary and nothing to purposely get his attention - just doing my own thing, carrying on.

Ironically enough, today IS day 30 since our last actual conversation. And I'll hit another 30 day mark next week (from my last text). No pursuit, chasing or nagging from me since then, no reactions, just silence.

I did it, I'm still doing it and I can't believe it!; August 14, 2013 at 9:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Well dear, you have a classic case on your hands here with CO, LOL ;-)

This is a man that lacks the ability to lead in a relationship and instead, chooses to pull way back, remain in comfort - and let he woman give chase. I'd even be apt to take that a bit further and suggest that - when the woman DOES give chase - he gives one great date - then poof. . .game on.

His actions and that photo he sent are signaling the he's leaning towards a sexual situation and that he wants it to be a "sure thing" (insecure, so needs the woman to pursue, signaling she's strongly interested and that he'd have a high likelihood of sexual success with her).

And that's why he got a bit bent out of shape when you mentioned that he should't post that pic on the dating site. Because 1) it signaled to him that you're not "hooked" on him because you were okay with him still being on the dating site and 2) you picked up on the "sexual" connotation behind that image.

Both of which were not what he wanted to hear, LOL. I think this guy likes a "sure thing" - an "easy" situation. And I think he's pulling back and standing his ground in an attempt to frustrate you to the point that it draws you forward and forces YOU to take action with HIM.

It's "the game" really. So don't feel compelled to give into it because I have a feeling that any woman that does - probably gets used sexually and then this guy disappears. His actions are signaling that he's very familiar with the game and that he expects to be chased. He knows that frustrating a woman will bring her insecurities to the surface and increase his chances of success.

BUT - yes, here's the BUT, LOL - the game works both ways. Start referring to him as a friend only and start making references to the fact that all you'll ever be is friends, and there's a good chance you'll get a reaction from him. ("Oh, it would've been nice if this had worked out, but at least I've made a new friend.")

That gives him something to think about. "She's thinks I'm a friend, what am I doing wrong? Why does she view me as a friend only? How did this happen?" And if he's genuinely interested and he "gets" what that means, he will feel compelled to change your outlook of him. And the only way to do that is to PROVE that he's romantically interested. It places the ball in his court - and if he doesn't run with it, he's a lazy man that's seeking an easy situation.

Right now, he's holding a sort of "battle of wills" with you - testing you in a sense. Testing your emotional strength and waiting to see how/when you buckle on it - and give chase.

This happens a lot in the dating world now with so many men taking the feminine role when dating (passive) and women kicking it into high gear taking the masculine lead role (aggressive). But it takes place online even more. Because I think these men online find that the women, in that environment, tend to feel a bit powerless and as a result, have a tendency to jump right into the driver's seat and speed things along in high gear - ensuring that these guys have a "sure thing" no matter what direction they turn online. There's something about the online dating thing that makes a lot of women behave desperately, even without realizing it, and I think it's a feeling of a lack of control.

And clearly, this guy is used to that entire scenario repeatedly playing out for him. . .and he's waiting you out Gem, LOL ;-); August 14, 2013 at 9:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
Exactly dear.

I know many here think I can be harsh at times and that I'm too black and white. But the reality is that those black and white feelings, that just slice things right down the middle - are generally correct as that's your "gut" impression.

For instance, you see women come here, ask for suggestions, I cut it right down the middle, I don't sugarcoat it, then they turn around and dismiss my words and do the complete opposite of what's suggested - only to end up right back at square one two weeks later. After another two weeks of introspection. . .they see that the original gut impression was signaling what they should've seen all along, even as subtle as it may have been.

After a gut impression, the rational mind kicks in - and that's when women attempt to rationalize things away, "Oh he loves me, he just can't show it" or "Oh he's behaving this way and ignoring me because he's busy with work." When in reality, you know something's off - because you're here seeking insight. And after all that rationalizing of his behavior, weeks later, the conclusion that's reached is "he's not into me."

And all along, since day one, he was signaling that subtly - yet the gut impressions were being dismissed as "not enough information" - and even though danger was sensed - the rational mind kicks in and compels women to continue to move towards it, towards danger - a danger that they've sensed, yet ignored, all along.

As most of my readers will already know, I vibe heavily off my gut when dating - I do not rationalize things away. I do not need things spelled out for me - I operate off the subtle signals and the subtle, unseen, language that's taking place - and I "hear" it - I don't dismiss it.

This is generally a completely foreign way of looking at things for many women as most women believe things need to be spelled out (talked, spoken with words) and, as a result, it takes a while for that type of mindset and that type of built in self defense system to be put into good use.

People are "talking" and exchanging communication and messages from the very first time they meet - without EVER speaking any of it out loud. . .you just have to learn to "listen" - you have to learn a new "language" - and then you "hear" the messages being sent ;-)

Just like how a man can spot an insecure women within the first 3 minutes - how she carries herself, is her held held high or is it down staring at her shoes, are her arms crossed in a defensive stance or are her shoulders pulled back and her hands on her hips in a stance of strength, does she drink too much and exhibit a lack of self control, does she talk too much about everything that's wrong with her - they pick this up immediately.

And women can do the same, yet many chose to ignore it all for some reason - is he aggressive and inappropriate, is he rude and crass, are all his references to women negative, does he have to be the loudest man in the room, is he a bit over the top macho and feels the need to prove himself a bit (insecure), is he a bullshitter, does he say one thing and then do another all the time, does he say small things to make you feel bad about yourself, is he lazy - it's all there ladies - FROM DAY ONE. There's no need for additional time to decipher it or for second chances or for heavy talks. . .it's all right there.

You just need to "hear" it :-); August 14, 2013 at 10:08 AM
VirgoPal said...: Hey ladies-

I decided to post after just being a spectator the past few weeks. I think a common problem I see when reading many of the post here is that many woman are afraid of being single. Sadly, I think it summarize many of the posts that seek advice on whether or not you should call him.

If a secure sees you as being desperate for a relationship, you may scare him off and he'll likely never come back. An insecure man will always come back because he doesn't think you respect yourself enough or have boundaries to move on. We've all been there when we let someone disrespect our time or us as people. Unfortunately, it's very hard to respect someone after they've showed they would allow it. No one likes a push-over, and by answering those calls or text messages after disrespectful behaviors, we are showing we have no boundaries. What happens next? Well, the person keeps pushing the envelope to see what they can get away with.

My advice is to learn how to be alone. One of the things I've done the past few months while recovering from my experience with the psychopath is to realize regardless if I am dating a man or not, I am still going to be fabulous by myself. I've gone to Vegas, concerts, dinner, shopping etc. ...all by myself. It's a great feeling.

When the fear of being single is gone from your mind or attitude, the good guys will start to flock to you and stick! The players and narcissist will go looking for insecure chicks! That's when you will have the real men begging YOU for a relationship.

If a guy disappears for any reason other than a truly sincere one, drop him! Quite frankly they are generally telling you they don't think you are worth their time....and no one has time for that either!; August 14, 2013 at 11:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody!

@Gemini 50
In the beginning I saw CO in a different light. I thought he was a little timid. Now I agree with Mirror that it is quite odd that he still hasn´t asked you out after hours of phone conversations. Looking at him from this perspective, I think you have handled him right.

@chk61
I am with you. I am also single, no children. Unfortunately, there are some very "nice" men out there who try to put you in an unfavourable position because of this. Please, don´t let them.

Mirror, I have a question connected with this. Most divorced men with children usually ask me very early into our communication why I have never married and/or why I have no children. Well, to tell YOU the truth, I don´t really know. But what to tell THEM? I think your answer would be I shouldn´t reply at all, right?

I wish you all a nice day,
HopefulWithMen; August 14, 2013 at 12:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh, I have one more question, Mirror. It is connected with online dating, but since I am here, I´ll post it here if I may.

When an intelligent man writes to you and it is all about him, what to do? Recently I have been corresponding with a nice man, he is smart, witty, funny, communicative,interesting,... etc.,but he doesn´t ask about me. Nothing. He writes about himself, answers all my questions and at the end of his email he wishes me a nice evening and that´s all. We have exchanged about 3-4 emails so far. I always have to think hard how to respond.

Do you think I should write him off? Or should I pull back somehow to show him I don´t like this? Or should I hint something to him? Because I am not sure if he is narcissistic or simply doesn´t have a clue what impression he is making.

Thanks for your advice.
Hopeful; August 14, 2013 at 12:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
"Most divorced men with children usually ask me very early into our communication why I have never married and/or why I have no children."

Yea, some of this is just general curiosity, but a lot of times, it can also translate to, "What's wrong with you?" Because society still leans towards the old school theme of "women should all want to marry and have babies."

As a result, lots of men erroneously think that there's something wrong with women who haven't married and haven't birthed children.

I was married, but I never had children. And I, too, have gotten hit with, "Why don't you have children" regularly when I was dating.

For me, it was timing. By the time it came around to considering children, the marriage dissolved. And that's what I tell them - and I leave it at that simple statement, nothing more.

So in the cases of no marriage and no children, I think I'd simply offer a very brief, very concise, "I just never met the right man" - and leave it at that :-); August 14, 2013 at 2:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
"When an intelligent man writes to you and it is all about him, what to do?"

I'd let those conversations "drop" - meaning, if he's asked no questions, then there's nothing to respond to. Let HIM wonder why you didn't respond and when he re-reads his last communication to you (yes, men do this ladies), let HIM figure out that HE didn't drop a "continuance" in there somewhere to keep the conversation afloat.

If he doesn't do that and make an effort to "engage" YOU in conversation - then leave him be. Because he's already signaling arrogance and self-centeredness in his speech and behavior and a relationship with a man like that - doesn't change. It will ALWAYS be about HIM and NEVER about YOU.

Relationships are like a two-way tango. . .and when one person stands still and doesn't keep moving with the flow of the energy exchange - the dance stops ;-); August 14, 2013 at 2:28 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, thank you for your answer. Let me just add this. Isn´t it ironic that the player I broke up with ALWAYS encouraged further communication and it was so easy to interact with him? He always asked questions about me and showed interest. I agree with you that this last man may be self-centred. He works with IT so I thought he might be lacking in communication abilities but I feel you will be right again.

Thank you again and have a nice day.; August 14, 2013 at 3:12 PM
Pisces Girl said...: i could only imagine how frustrating it is when you spend your time effort and energy giving people advice that they request only for them to turn around and do the opposite like what is the point of that??lol i guess some females are stubborn when it comes to men and are gonna do what they wanna do regardless thats why i dont bother with my girlfriends even though im more well equipped to give good advice after coming on here and becoming more knowledable i know it will go through one ear and out the other; August 14, 2013 at 3:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
Well, I always liken it to addiction in that, relapse is expected to an extent, LOL ;-)

However, when it's done repeatedly and the individual is NOT doing the work (i.e. at least wholeheartedly attempting to enact the change and/or learning from their mistakes) - then it becomes clear that they WANT to change (intention), but taking ACTION to implement the change (doing the actual work required to change) simply isn't going to happen.

Change isn't easy, it doesn't happen overnight and it does require a LOT OF WORK. The work is generally a bit painful, uncomfortable and creates anxiety as a result - and the individual needs to expect that this will happen, and develop the coping skills to work through it - to grow.

That's why they're called growing "pains" LOL - they hurt and aren't easy.

It's much easier to stick to what's comfortable, even if it isn't working. The hard part is venturing into uncomfortable territory and experiencing uncertainty as a result.

But if you look at it as "risk versus reward" - the rewards far outweigh the risk when it comes to positive growth and forward motion. When you're attempting to learn to make responsible, wise decisions for yourself - you simply can't go wrong ;-); August 14, 2013 at 3:31 PM
Pisces Girl said...: well said that is excellent advice when it comes to relationships and that applies to just about every other aspect of our lives. Change is never easy or comfortable but the risk versus reward as you said is what needs to be considered, thanks mirror; August 14, 2013 at 3:39 PM
RoseLilly said...: Hi MOA, I've been a fan of your site for a while now. I have used NC and it REALLY WORKS! However I NEED your opinion. Recently, I've had a "friendship" with a man who is 7 years my senior (21 and 28). Things started changing and it seemed like we liked each other. This was the span of a month or more. There wasn't a week I didn't see him or talk to him. But the signs were obvious that even my mom noticed (she's very observant).
He initiated conversation first when we met, he had a pet name for me and wanted me to make one for him (he chose one that was cutesy that you would only say in a relationship), he would always say this is bringing us closer together, every time we would act something out for fun he would say pretend you're my girlfriend, planning our next outings, hand games,touching me any chance he got, tickling me, inviting me over to watch movies, going out and late last Friday night to a movie first time he paid, staying out til 3 am laughing and having fun together, look at art together, he calls me pretty much everyday, has the pet name he gave me in his phone, he would eat off my fork, tell me his inspirations,hurt, we were always alone when we went out,we saw each other every week, taking pictures together and of me, dancing together alone, never mention girls to me or want to hear about guys from me, he would ask me what I want in a man, want to know who I am, telling each other about our family, liking pictures and statuses on fb,we made plans to see each other and do crazy stuff THIS WEEK, describing what he wants in a woman seemed like me (trustworthy and open minded is what he said) and vice versa, asking me to star as his love interest in his music video etc. He would tell me that he liked my qualities that Im family oriented, likes to cook, etc. The list goes on... Yesterday we talk as usual and we are laughing and joking talking about his day, etc. He tells me that he suddenly is going back to his ex. I felt so hurt but I had to be happy for him. He told me that he feels apprehensive about dating someone in the same field as he is (which they both do music). I cried myself to sleep. I always heard people say that you become friends first before any great relationship and it felt that it was going there. But I guess he LIKED me but LOVED her. I can't compete with HISTORY. I dont understand why he would go through that with someone that broke up with him on New years eve.
I became a better woman around him, I supported him, listened, improved qualities he liked like cooking.
Today, he texts me in the morning (I haven't responded) and is still playing online scrabble with me right now. Though there will be boundaries; like our movie nights are probably gone. I think he knows that I am hurt. But what should I do? Should I just leave without explanation? Or was I delusional to think we were more than friends?; August 14, 2013 at 5:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I've been doing the on-line dating and doing lots of filtering and finding some men literally do disappear i.e there profiles can just go.

I finding it a bit disheartening the amount that are not serious contenders and I wouldn't say that I'm being targeted because I'm sure these guys just try their luck with whoever. I'm wondering if the more pretty and intelligent you are the more they are going to get from it through manipulation.

It is getting me down as even though I'm doing the filtering techniques I still feel done over, even though when the red flags appear I'm on to it. I think it is because I'm just cool and friendly and once they get that I might be interested they pull their stunts. I feel done over sometimes as you go into with an open mind but at the same time you are trying to protect yourself but having to show some interest as each time could be a person who is genuine and genuinely interested.

So even though I do protect myself and once the red flags appear I'm on to it, it seems that they have already got what they wanted out of it (my interest, attention) and have won and done me over. It all feels very narcissistic and it feels disempowering and it makes me feel a bit sick to the stomach thinking about men who just want to trick women to drain their power out of them.

Anyway I've got a dilemma I've like to ask your advice on. On the system there are occasions that people do not either get messages through or they purposely don't open them to game play.

Now in the former where I'm at at the moment is I'm not happy having to send another message in the event that someone hasn't got it. Also I've had some men that when I've been on to them and they know it that's how they have served the final blow by not opening my message and disappearing off the website which I'm not bothered by as they were losers but it makes my feel a bit angry that it feels like they've had the last laugh by there actions.

So what I'm getting onto is there is someone who does seem genuninely interested and wants to meet up, I had a good feeling about it, there were no red flags. Anyway he was going on holiday well back home actually to visit friends and family not long into us chatting. I know he has internet access but I didn't expect a lot of contact while he was away. However I'd sent a message back to him the day he was travellling and he got back to me a few days later and apologised which I didn't think was a big thing as I knew he was away and I wouldn't have thought that being on a dating site is where you want to be in this instance. I replied to questions he had asked me nearly two days later and I could see that he hadn't picked up the message but thought fine he is away. Anyway I can see he has been on the website very briefly on two occasions since and my gut is telling me that he was on there checking for my message and wondering why I've not replied. I think something has gone wrong with the message, but given all the above carryings on with many blokes on there I really don't want to have to send another message on the of chance that I've been duped and he's wanted me to chase to do me over.

I do think he is genuine and I was feeling like the whole interaction felt grounded before this happened.

I had another bloke who seemed genuine like this but the interaction didn't develop as the same thing happened with the message thing. I decided to let it go because I couldn't bring myself to message him just in case but I do feel this bloke was genuine too.

So please could you advise on what you think I should do. It seems unfortunate if these messages are going awry with possible genuine blokes but I really don't want to chase and be done over

thank you; August 15, 2013 at 6:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @RoseLilly,
This is unfortunate dear, and I'm sorry that you're hurting right now :-(

"what should I do?"

Nothing sweetie. You can't change this. Nothing you do will change this, so let the feeling of the need to "do" something pass.

"Should I just leave without explanation?"

You don't need to explain. He's going back to his ex - there is no need to explain yourself here. It is what it is - and it was HIS decision, not YOURS - he knows full well why this is happening.

"was I delusional to think we were more than friends?"

No, not delusional dear, you were hopeful, that's all. But there were red flags here :-(

"he would say pretend you're my girlfriend"

Keyword here - pretend. If he's asking you to pretend your his girlfriend, then that means your not his girlfriend - otherwise, there'd be no reason to make believe you were :-(

"going out and late last Friday night to a movie first time he paid"

A true gentleman that's genuinely interested in a woman ALWAYS pays dear. It would be an insult to their masculinity to let a woman pay their way. A gentleman likes to impress a lady.

And even though those two things may seem small and unimportant - they are actually two HUGE things that say a lot about a man's intentions.

It appears that he laid on the charm heavily and that he did a lot of things to feed into a fantasy (a lot of make believe), a daydream of sorts, about what COULD be, and he led you there. BUT - he did slip up, as most men do, with the request of asking you to "pretend" to be his girlfriend and also by not manning up and treating you properly by providing for you on dates (to impress you, romance you).

It also sounds like maybe this started off real fast, like he fast tracked you into the fantasy of thinking this was moving towards a relationship (with the pet names and all the "what if," lets pretend type of stuff). When a man comes on hard and fast, that's a red flag, too. When women encounter that, they should ask themselves, "What's the hurry, why the rush? What's he racing towards here?" Because the reality is that men do NOT fall in love as quickly as women do. So when one is signaling or at least attempting to signal that he's really into you very early on, a lot of that can be "fantasy" talk to him, but taken seriously by the woman. And the speed at which he's attempting to move should raise a red flag with the woman.

The relationships that burn hard a fast early on, tend to fizzle out just as quickly. They amount to a brief but intense fling in the end :-(

Hang in there dear. Disconnect from him and don't attempt to be friends with him here. If you do that, you are signaling to him that he can do this again - and you'll be okay with it, you'll still be there, even if he treats you poorly (makes impulsive decisions that hurt you).

Additionally, you still have feelings for him and attempting to be his friend will only bring you more pain, it'll keep the wound from healing.

I think it's best for you and for him to disconnect completely right now. He's made his decision - and now it's time for him to face the consequences of that decision (no access to you):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; August 15, 2013 at 9:44 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and All,

Well, I would have lost the bet I made on CO disappearing.

Oh boy, yesterday was Wednesday (CO’s golfing day in next town over) and the day after I pulled back on that rubber band.

He had the day off and came on strong. His texts started with, “Good morning Sunshine!” And then he was 'cooking' all day, texting me from home and then the golf course.

I took Ms. Mirror’s advice and just played it cool. Plus, I knew what was going to happen, and, as expected, he asked me for another impromptu get together for a drink.

Thankfully, I had plans for the evening with a gf to attend another local concert, so, I could confidently say, “Gee, sorry, I’m not at home tonight, but I would like to meet you if we can schedule it.”

His response? “So close… Grrrrr….” lol

He didn’t ask what I was doing, and I didn’t tell him. He did keep texting me though, asked if he should go home after golf and texting where he was afterwards etc. My phone was in my purse, so I didn’t get any of them until later. I didn’t respond.

No text this morning from him. I’ll probably pick up the conversation tonight when I get home.

Oh, and ladies, I had so much fun last night -- and here is proof that others can see when we are happy: We saw Tyler Farr and Tracy Lawrence on a town green -- very small venue. I don’t know how old Tyler is, maybe late 30’s. My 52 yr old gf and I were NOT near the stage, we were probably a good, strong, manly stone’s throw away, but we were up and out of our seats dancing and whooping it up/raising our patriotic paper cups and singing w/the songs.

Well, Tyler notices the cups and us just having fun. He asks in the mic, “Who are the two with those red/white/blue drinking cups? We are up and laughing our axxes off and Tyler says to the crowd, “I don’t know about you guys, but those two ladies are the ones I want to party with!” OMG! That young man made our night -- and do you think any local men came over and grabbed the opportunity? Nope.

But it was another ‘sign’ that respecting and taking care of myself first and, “letting a man find me while I’m living my life,” (a thought that I shared recently) IS the right course.

CHEEEEEERS! (not really, I'm at work - and have to get back at it!) :)

HUGS!; August 15, 2013 at 10:46 AM
Scorpiolady said...: @RoseLilly, @Mirror,
I hope to be able to share something to help, because I am going through something similar. A guy who seemed really interested in me slowly began to reveal that an "ex" is still in his life.
I don't think you were delusional - on the contrary, think of it this way: he definitely must have been talking to his ex at the same time while he was talking to you. He was cheating and lying to both of you.
Now, initially he must have made you feel very loved. But forget about that and think of how he makes you feel NOW, when you are crying to sleep (I did that two or three times, on top of many sleepless nights because my gut feeling was telling me something was VERY wrong. And the sleepless nights caused me to fall ill :-(... Please do not ignore your own feelings! They are just as important as his... and if he has neglected yours, it's time you acknowledge and take care of your own feelings. When I decided to let go of the guy, I could sleep properly for the first time in a long while... and that is so worth it!
I think the fact he continues to text and treat you as if nothing had happened (him suddenly going back to his ex) is very disrespectful, because he doesn't care about your feelings i.e. YOU at all.
And think about it this way, do you really want to be in his ex's position? If they have a history of break up and make up (and in the meantime he has flings with other girls), do you want to waste your time and your life in such a relationship? You are STRONGER than that - you can resist him!
Better things are out there, you can experience what real happiness is... you just have to love and believe in yourself!
THIS mistreatment, causing you tears... is NOT enough for you to continue to engage and entertain him, am I not right?
Only when he gives you real happiness, when in your gut you feel right, do you interact with him accordingly. It's as simple as that! No Contact in a nutshell :-); August 15, 2013 at 10:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 15, 6:26AM,
"I'm not happy having to send another message in the event that someone hasn't got it."

You DON'T send another message dear. You don't "reach" for their attention. You respond and you move on. If they don't get the message and/or are playing a stupid game, you don't try harder. . .you walk away.

"it feels like they've had the last laugh by there actions"

Remove your ego from it dear. It's not a competition of "who gets who first" ya' know? They're flakes, let them go. You got the last laugh by dumping them and that silly shit is their childish reaction to the rejection that they've brought on themselves via their own actions. Don't turn it into a game, just walk away.

"I'd sent a message back to him the day he was travelling"

This is probably where you're putting yourself out there a bit dear. DON'T initiate contact with men on these sites. If you do that, you hand them the opportunity to ignore you. Instead, sit back and let THEM come to YOU. That way, they do not have the opportunity to play a game with you - because you're not "engaging" them in conversation. Instead, you let THEM take the LEAD (prove themselves via consistent interest and initiation of conversation) - and you simply respond.

"I think something has gone wrong with the message"

Nothing is wrong with the messaging system dear - but something IS wrong with the man - get what I mean there? (He's ignoring the message and playing a game so that you will feel the need to "do" something to move this along and you will CHASE him - it's a game, don't fall for it.)

"I really don't want to have to send another message"

DO NOT do that. If you do, you're walking right into their little ploy.

"I do feel this bloke was genuine too."

A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out dear. You don't have to "do" a thing, THEY will come looking for YOU. And all you have to do to show you're interested is - respond. It's that simple.

"It seems unfortunate if these messages are going awry"

They're not going awry dear. Unfortunately, this is the reality of online dating and it's also the reality of dating period nowadays. People are not treating one another with dignity and respect, instead they are playing games, tinkering and toying with others emotions. Don't fall for it.

Men that do this are signaling to you that they are players - and yes - there is such a thing as a "gentleman player." Which is why you ignore a man's WORDS, and you only focus on his ACTIONS (or lack thereof) to let you know where you stand with him.

And if they're not taking ACTION - then they're not worth worrying about or investing your time and energy into.; August 15, 2013 at 11:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
When you emit positive energy dear - people will be attracted to you like moths to a flame ;-); August 15, 2013 at 11:19 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror

@Anonymous August 15, 6:26AM,

It's probably come out wrong in my writing but what I meant was he had sent me a message the night before he went away and when I sent a message the next day I was replying to that and not initiating.

I do appreciate what you are saying I'm not convinced though that the messaging system is totally reliable, I've been on dates with guys that have been on to the operator complaining about messages not getting sent.

I feel that the one's who have shown red flags with me have definitely been playing a game by ignoring the message.

However with this one I really don't think he has, there is no reason to believe that he's playing a game from my interactions with him. He had asked me questions in his message so I really don't think he has got my reply.

The couple of brief times he has been on-line while he's been away he's probably seen me on there too and maybe he thinks I've moved on to someone else and I've ignored him.

It's so frustrating, I feel really torn I know you are right in what you're saying but messages can disappear it happened to me the other day when I was arranging an appointment and the lady said she didn't receive the message.

So I don't know what to do for the best? He is home this weekend I could hang fire and hope he decides to re-approach me but he may think I've ignored him and I don't want to know.

If I felt there were red flags previously and he was a player, I wouldn't be giving this a second thought.

Thank you; August 15, 2013 at 11:48 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT

@Anonymous August 15, 6:26AM,

Another thing Mirror, I've just had this OTHER guy e-mailing for nearly a week. He's been giving lots of compliments about the way I look, which I've kind of ignored really as I don't know if this is a bit over the top and whether there is an agenda behind it. Other than that seems consistent and genuine.

God I'm really getting fed up with it that every blooming conversation you have you just can't take at face value and there's a potential narcissist around the corner, getting off on womens needs.

Anyway he's mentioned about taking me for a drink and I said that if he played his cards right that he might be able to ;)

He replied that he'd been hoping for that since the moment he saw me. My first thought was I wanted to get the sick bucket out and I not sure again is this genuine or an agenda?

Anyway I ignored the comment but replied and guess what my mail hasn't been opened and he's been on-line. I think with this one now that he isn't genuine.

What do you think Mirror, what's his game?

This has happened to me before with somebody asking me if wanted to chat and then maybe meet for a drink and when I agreed they asked me if I 'wanted to go for it'? Which was a red flag for me and I asked them what they meant. They then said maybe meet and drink and then guess what my reply to that was not opened. He disappeared off-line. Reappeared sent me a message and I got the bastard by not opening it and then his ego obviously couldn't handle it and he disappeared for good off-line.

So my question to you Mirror is I feel really manipulated and drawn into these interactions and soon as I agree (and lets face it we are on-line to meet up and go on dates) then the B###### effs off.

I feel there are some really sick members of society, these one's their not even after a hook up or sex but to want to manipulate a womans needs of being on there and wanted to date then quite frankly I feel this is really sick. I'm thinking there getting some power out of getting a girl to agree and then effing them off.

How can I protect myself from this Mirror is there anything I can do in my interactions to stop this from occuring or manage it better?

Thank you; August 15, 2013 at 12:14 PM
Anonymous said...: @Roselily

I'm really sorry you're hurting as well. :-( My heart goes out to you. I second what Scorpiolady has written.

Stay strong, be optimistic, and get the hell away from the guy... NC NC NC.

I was on the receiving end of fantasy talk when I met a libra guy last year. Fantasy talk is not new to me, but the kind that is believable and not too farfetched, is the absolute worst... because you WANT to believe what the guy is saying.

But then he goes and does something completely contrary - and it hurts that his actions don't line up (in your case, he went back to an ex... WTF).

I don't know the full story, but perhaps he was badly hurt by the ex... transferred his feelings to you, built up this fantasy that made him feel like he had a gf again, but then realized that he wanted his ex back.

In the future... just be cautious when a guy builds up a fantasy too quickly with affectionate pet names. The libra guy also started calling me "babe" and "baby" very early on. I didn't think anything of it, because he overwhelmed me with his attention and I liked it.

*shakes head*

*big hugs to you*

Vivian; August 15, 2013 at 3:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 15, 12:14PM,
"How can I protect myself from this Mirror is there anything I can do in my interactions to stop this from occuring or manage it better?"

Unfortunately, no there isn't dear. This is the nature of the beast, particularly online - it's the "getting to know you" period and during that phase - anything can happen - which is why women should tread lightly when dating and not instantly buy into all the sweat talk, etc. that these guys toss around carelessly or make justifications and/or excuses for their behavior.

Lot's of these men know full well what they're doing and obviously, they enjoy doing it, particularly the insecure types.

The only thing you can try to do is:

1) Don't take it so seriously. View it as socializing and realize it's happening to everyone, not just you, so it's nothing personal.

2) Go for a different type of guy. The more "puffed up" a man is, the more likelihood that he's used to getting his way with women. As a result, those guys tend to have less pleasing dispositions to spend time with and they are selfishly focused - not worried about others. So what you can do is, go for the underdogs dear - I know many, many women who have found some real gems there. And leave the feminine, overly confident, pompous pretty boy types to themselves. That includes:

- macho men (bikers)

- weight lifters (all pumped up like they're about to explode)

- jocks (they've gotten ego strokes their entire life)

- frat boys (they're usually swimming in sexual opportunities)

- very successful corporate types (they're used to being in control, getting their way and calling the shots)

What does that leave?

- divorced men, with or without children (they've experienced marriage and long term relationships and have a better idea of what's required to make one work - and if they have children, hopefully, they're also familiar with responsibility)

- geeks (they're fantasizing and just dying to do anything for a good woman's attention, ready, willing and grateful)

- average men (they find themselves falling through the cracks these days and tend to be more appreciative of a good woman's attention)

- intellectual men (they're wise, thoughtful and introspective and have a greater understanding and appreciation of life's workings)

Now I'm not saying that all jocks are idiots and that all weight lifters are arrogant - but when speaking to men like that, it generally shows early on if they are as they just can't help themselves - from talking about themselves, LOL ;-)

But you get the idea. . .maybe switch it up a bit and explore new territories and step outside your comfort zone a bit and open yourself up to new experiences ;-); August 15, 2013 at 4:45 PM
Anonymous said...: @ August 15, 2013 at 11:48 AM

You seem a little fixated on this guy you barely know and a message he may or may not have received.

I agree with MOA that if he is interested, he will seek you out. Why is he not thinking that maybe YOU did not get his last message since you think the messaging system tends to malfunction. Why hasn't he sent you another message to inquire if you got his message,like you want to do with him?

I have done the online dating before- going back and forth with a man who seems interested, asking questions, hinting at meeting, etc. and then all of a sudden POOF, he stops responding but continues to log on to the dating site. It happens and you can't dwell on it.

Online dating is full of different types of players- some more seasoned than others. You can spot some of them in an instant. Others can be very charming chameleons. That's why you never put too much stock into what anyone says or doesn't say, especially someone you have never met.

I wouldn't initiate any contact with this man.; August 15, 2013 at 5:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi, Mirror

I didn't date for a year after my divorce because my marriage was so toxic, that I needed time to heal. I met a man online. He asked me out on several dates. We had great times and shared stories about ourselves and our families. He showed all signs of a man who is interested. I made it clear to him in the beginning that I have no expectations but was open to a relationship, if the timing and person is a good fit.

A few things about our situation. We live in a small town. He knows my ex in-laws, especial my ex brother-in-law very well (whom are well-known and established in this community). They did business together in the past.

Fast forward 2 months later, we became intimate. He hasn't disappeared on me, YET. His communication is still constant, still ask me about my day, but he has become lazy. He stopped asking me out on dates. Rather, I feel like I'm now a booty call or FWB.

I believe he is a little insecure. He has a scar on one side of his face (never asked how it happened) from the bottom of his ear to the corner of mouth. On our first date, he sat in a position where the scar was facing me. I don't know why, but I had the feeling that he was testing to see if I was disgusted by it. I wasn't. Our conversation was too great, and he was too handsome for me to even take a second look at the scar. Secondly, he asked me if I enjoy sex with him and if I was sleeping with anyone else.

I have feelings for him, not deep enough, but I know that the longer I stay in this arrangement, I will be thinking of him morning, noon, and night. I know that I can "ex" him out of my life without being unscathed too badly, if we stopped communicating. (I did this with another guy and it worked because he was too lazy to communicate ). So I did that for a few days, but he kept the texts coming, so I caved in and answered them.

To ignore his texts indefinitely, I was contemplating on blocking him so that his texts would not come through, which would be easy for me to move on, but at the same time, I find it immature. How or what can I say to him to end this without looking like I'm crazy (in his mind)?

I would like to continue to see him and develop an exclusive relationship with him, but I don't like his current behavior, and I believe he is not ready. In hindsight, I made a mistake in the beginning. I never asked him what he was looking for. I don't want to ask him now because I don't want to get rejected.

I would greatly appreciate your feedback. Thanks!; August 15, 2013 at 5:31 PM
Anonymous said...: I have a huge problem. Met a guy online 6 months ago and we started dating. We both are mutually attracted to each other. He just does not have time for me as he is a workaholic. It all started with him frequently contacting me and after our second date, he went MIA partly because of my aggressor and insecurity issue as he start contacting me lesser. I became a needy and desperate girl. After 2 weeks, we made up. He was well behaved for a few days then MIA again. This cycle was repeated. The longest period was 3 weeks of no contact from him and I have learn that once he decided to go on his silence retreat for more than 4 days, he will not get any contact from me and just wait for him to contact me but it hurts so much during this waiting period and it drives me crazy. The longest silence period was 3 weeks of waiting till he contacted me first. I told him I can't this anymore, it drives me nuts. I want to move on. He started blowing off my phone and apologized. He seemed so sincere and asked for a third chance. So, I gave him his third chance. One mistake I made was, I went back to my usual self, the super accommodating and always available gal. As he was already stressed out with his own business, I do not want to cause him anymore stress. Unfortunately, I don't feel any effort from him and it is just one sided. I don't see him changed,he went MIA again one month ago and I went bonkers and became the crazy gal. Of course, he came back after one week and we made up. I am fine with him not meeting me, but I would appreciate if he could just text me and informed me that he is busy then just simply ignoring me. I felt he does not respect me at times. There is no consistency. However, last week he went MIA again and I decided to drop off from his radar. Finally, he called me twice and a text message yesterday. Guess, he is confuse now as I have never not return his call during this 6 months. It hurts so much not to answer his call but I cannot have the cycle repeated again. I am now playing the 3 days rule before returning his call. What should I do next? Is he really sincere? From: Anonymous Confused Gal; August 16, 2013 at 1:01 AM
miss_mary said...: i really don't understand men....do you think a guy really loves you when you're feeling left out in a relationship?
and when he agrees not to try to change or fix and just love them anyway? how to love them back if you're feeling left out? is there any way?; August 16, 2013 at 5:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

@Anonymous August 15, 12:14PM here,

Thank you for your advice. Haha he was a bit of a pumped up type and really I don't normally go for this type at all and it is usually a turn off if anything.

Anyway enough time has passed to know that there is definitely something wrong with this one and he is definitely playing a game but on the same hand I think by today he will realise that I'm not buying into his game.

I think he is lazy too and testing me to see if I'm willing and desperate to chase him and do the work. There is no chance, if he really wanted to meet me he shouldn't have took that risk because if he contacts me later on I'm not going to be able to go along with it now.

Do you think that if the guy is a game player narcissist type that's getting off on leading a woman on and getting her up to a point whereby she's willing to progress with things (I only mean a date here) just so he can get off on that and has no real intention of dating the girl. Then do you think when the girl doesn't bite the bullet and step up to chase, reach out or try to move things on when he's planted the bait (bait being the date because he's knows women want this) then will he go off thinking he's conquered what he's set out to do i.e manipulate the woman with her needs?

Degressing back to types to go for I do think that the guy who is away is an intellectual type and not business he seemed like a really nice guy. So I'm feeling a bit frustrated still about this message mix up, my gut is telling me he is genuine and he's not got the message as I know he'd reply given what I know already :(; August 16, 2013 at 5:53 AM
miss_virgo said...: hello mirror! im here again. well im the one who posted last aug. 10. 2013. and thank u for your great response. well upset that 'til now he didn't kol me but i saw him online and can't help myself sending him a greeting message. thou its already late..i feel guilty that i was not able to greet him on his birthday. just a respect and so to know f he's not upset or whatsoever..the conversation was casual, i tried to just keep it light and safe...and so he never mentioned about things had happened bwt our disagreement or bwt us. but i didn't expect it anyway. instead he just told me that i shud take gud care of myself..that's all..it seems everything's okay and nothing had happened..well as for myself i sumhow feel better...it took away the guilt and all and i can now finally move on...and i'll take wat u suggest to cease responding...i still hope that he reappears...i want to make revenge...u think wat i did just alryt?; August 16, 2013 at 7:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 15, 5:31PM,
Well there are two options here I believe. One is, since he hasn't disappeared, to be honest with him about the fact that you feel he's becoming lax. But when you do this, accept that he may leave as a result of a "talk." I normally do not recommend them for that reason, however, he hasn't disappeared and he's still communicating, so it appears he's most likely mature enough to perceive that talk correctly.

The other is to stay in communication, and simply refuse the lazy date invitations and see if he puts two and two together - i.e. proper date invitations are accepted, lazy ones are not. So if he wants to see you, a proper date invitation is the path to success.

You can also consider, when he's proposing a lazy date, making another suggestion instead. If he says, "Do you want to come to my place tonight" you say, "I'd love to see you, but I don't want to sit in. The reason I'm dating is so that I can go out and enjoy things with someone, do fun things, and see where it goes. So how about dinner instead?"

And his response to that will reveal his true intentions and his "willingness" to move towards a proper dating experience.; August 16, 2013 at 9:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Confused Gal,
You've already wasted six months on this guy dear. That's more than enough time to get a glimpse of what a relationship with him would be like. And so far, he's indicated that it would be lonely and that he'd be a neglectful man towards you and a man that doesn't have a willingness to make you happy.

You DO NOT wait around for a man to decide if he likes you or not - and you DO NOT try HARDER to make that happen when he's signaling that he's only half interested.

Instead, YOU use your free will here and YOU make a CHOICE to proactively take control of your own happiness - and you move on.

Forget the "talks" with him. As you can see, when women hold these talks with men, all that does is give the man an opportunity to lie to you and continue to string you along. You DON'T listen to his words, instead you OBSERVE his ACTIONS (or lack thereof).

And when a man's ACTIONS signal that he's unwilling to make you happy or move this relationship forward - you don't try harder - instead, you accept that reality and you move on.; August 16, 2013 at 9:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Miss Mary,
"how to love them back if you're feeling left out?"

You don't invest time and energy and emotion into a situation that you're receiving none of that back in. Reciprocation is the glue that binds healthy relationships together - that balanced give and take energy exchange.

When that doesn't exist, it's a waste of time. You can't change people, you can only change how you react to them. And if they are taking more than they're giving, you either give into the fear and settle for less than you deserve - or you stand strong and make a choice to be happy - and to find that happiness elsewhere.

Because you deserve it :-); August 16, 2013 at 9:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 15, 12:14PM,
"will he go off thinking he's conquered what he's set out to do i.e manipulate the woman with her needs?"

If that's what he's set out to do and he's had success with it - then yes, he will.

This is why I warn women away from extremely insecure men - they are out to prove something to themselves. They feel bad about themselves and this creates a need to overcompensate for that. And the way many of these insecure types overcompensate for that is to prove to themselves, time and again, that they CAN do it, they CAN get a woman.

And most times, that's enough to satisfy them. They're insecure and most likely have been hurt - and sometimes, they don't even realize it, but they're out overcompensating for that by hurting others and creating a negative chain of behavior by doing so.

And many don't even care if you call them on it. For instance, I dated a guy once for about two months, he was a tad younger, he was screwed over by his wife (he had toyed with her emotions all the time via his insecurities, coming home and leaving telephone numbers that other women gave him on his counter for his wife to see, and when she got upset, he'd laugh and tell her it was funny) - so she left him for another man, a biker, and got pregnant with this other man's child within a year and divorced this guy.

His little games had backfired and instead of his wife becoming insecure and clinging to him harder (which is what he expected), she instead chose happiness and left him high and dry.

Did he change? Absolutely not - he got worse. Which is when I met him. He went out and bought a bike (the man his wife left him for had one) and he started oddly becoming much like the man his wife left him for.

All along I could see that he was attempting to make me insecure and I could see that his failure at doing so was really frustrating him and he became downright cruel as a result of it.

So one day, he confronted me about things and I, in a very matter of fact tone, explained to him all the negative things I saw. I told him he was out acting like a "punisher" to women.

And what'd he do?

Two months later, after I broke up with him, he called me to tell me he had thought things through and wanted to apologize. I could've cared less at that point so I blew him off. He was very persistent so finally I was like, okay at least give him the opportunity to restore civility here between us.

And he showed up at my how with "The Punisher" emblem, the skull from Marvel Comics Punisher character - tattooed on his right forearm - front and center:

http://wall.alphacoders.com/big.php?i=400845

He was actually proud of the fact that he was out punishing women. So much so, that he completely associated himself with the Punisher and got it permanently inked into his skin.

And I got the last laugh, because for the rest of that 'effers life - every time he looks at that damn tattoo. . . .I know he's remembering me, the one who labeled him The Punisher, LOL ;-)

And I also knew that I hit the nail on the head with him - so much so - that he identified with it permanently.; August 16, 2013 at 10:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Miss Virgo,
"u think what i did was just alright?

I don't advocate initiating contact with men like this and I wouldn't have done that because all it did was give him a second opportunity to reject you in a sense - to not make any arrangements to see you and to just wish you well and send you on your way. It made you feel better in the immediate space, but long term, it really did nothing but perpetuate the situation a bit longer.

"i want to make revenge"

I don't advocate game playing dear, so I wouldn't waste any more time and energy thinking about ways to get revenge. Besides, you said you now feel better and are able to move on as a result of your last communication.

Apparently, that's NOT true and your last communication DID NOT resolve this for you - because if it did - you would not now be seeking revenge. Instead, you would be happily moving on and not giving him a second thought at all.

Again, all that last communication did was perpetuate this situation - it didn't really end it because now, you're seeking revenge. . .so it's NOT really over for you.

I'd suggest that you truly consider moving on from this situation - because doing well IS the best revenge, ya' know?; August 16, 2013 at 10:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Ms. Mirror

This is Anonymous on Aug 15 @ 5:31pm. Thank you so much for your advice. If the situation didn't change last night, I would have gone with Option 2.

He text me early in the evening to see what my plans were for the night, and I told him I was at an event downtown. At 9 pm, he asked if he could come over (booty call) but told him I was busy (I wasn't). I followed up with "maybe tomorrow. Or whenever I return from my trip." He told me he couldn't on Friday because he has plans, but he could and wanted to come tonight. I ignored his text.

Obviously, he hasn't gotten the clue even after I have rejected him 2 other times when he wanted to come over. Either he's mirroring my behavior (because both times, I told him I had plans/busy), or he really does have a date planned for Friday with someone else, and that was why he was so pushy as far as wanting to come last night. Whatever the reason might be, I don't want to be strung along.

I thank you for this sight because from the beginning, I followed the advice you mentioned, as to not initiate calls/text/dates, don't bomb his phone with texts/msgs. I gave him space, wasn't clingy, and only answered to his texts and always tried to not be the last one to end a conversations with a text. All in all, I wish him the best, but my "mini-me" wants to say "I hope the next girl he's dating is clingy and bombs his phone like crazy!" LOL

I don't know what the future holds for me as far as this situation, but I know that I don't plan on answering any of his texts, and if he is man enough to realize what is going on, and apologizes early on and want to have the talk, then I might consider speaking to him again. If no apology or wanting to talk within a week, then I am moving to a better pasture.; August 16, 2013 at 12:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi August 15, 2013 at 5:14 PM

@ August 15, 2013 at 11:48 AM here.

Thanks for your input I wouldn't say I'm fixated with him but I'm filtering quite a few men and most of them turn out to be players etc within a week.

With this one he seemed to be genuine and no red flags, so it seems rather odd. When you send a message there is an envelope in your e-mails till the other person has opened it. There is still one in mine, so he's either not opened it or it's not got through on his end.

When he sent me one I opened it so he will know I've read it.

I don't know really the system does seem like it is not 100% reliable and I've had reports off other men that are frustrated with it too. One guy said to me on a date he had to write me a message about 5 different times and it wasn't getting sent.

I hoping that he will wonder as if it is genuine then he will think it is strange that I've not answered his e-mail given the content of his and hopefully he will send me another when he gets back off holiday.

In the meantime, I've just seen the back off some loser, so I'm just dealing with things as they arise week by week.; August 16, 2013 at 12:56 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Ms Mirror and All,

This is just too funny:

CO and I were doing the texting thing again yesterday and I had the opportunity to use Ms. Mirror's "friend" line... and the reaction was exactly how Ms. Mirror explained.

I was giving him every opportunity to ask me out, but again, nothing. I figure there is no way this guy can be this dense... and two hrs later, he starts:

CO> neighbor came over.. sorry. What are you up to?

Me> lol I'm sitting on my deck having a beer and exhaling.

Then we talk about beer, until:

Me> I am hungry lol

CO> Let me know when you are thirsty. Just had leftover spaghetti and meatballs lol

CO> I make a decent meatball!

(I'm just tired of this, so I'm ready to get it out)

Me> Let me know when u want to take me out.

CO> Wow!! lol Ok 2-3 weeks ago!

Me> lol water under the bridge

CO> Or over the dam... or is that DAMN?

Me (I see this as my best opportunity to use "the friend" line) > Well, I figured it would have been nice, but at least I've made a new friend.

And nothing for 15 minutes. And, to tell you the truth, I am chuckling to myself because I can just picture his reaction as Ms. Mirror explained. Then,

CO> You did- and it will be---

I don't answer

CO 4 minutes later > Meet for a drink?

Now, I know I'm supposed to say no, and suggest 3-days later, but I just told CO that I was hanging out on my deck, not doing anything (and I wanted to finally meet him.)

Continued; August 17, 2013 at 6:18 AM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued 2 od 2

So we meet up at a place near me, and oh boy!
He looks older than his pic and he's not as "confident" as his texts. After we greet, the first thing he says is, "Boy, you ARE tall."

I responded, "Yes, I am 5'9"." And want to say he's not as tall as he said he was, but I am not that rude. He had said he was 6'2", maybe when he was in his prime, but I don't think so now.

So we have a couple drinks, and chat, and then he can't keep his hands off of me. Arm around the chair is fine, but he's very touchy feely on my back, etc. Finally, I let him know I'm not comfortable with it by asking him if he's checking out my "back fat." He gets the message, but then moves down to my leg. Now I feel I really need to be clear and remember another suggestion of Ms. Mirrors and say, "I think you may have the wrong impression of me."

CO acts shocked, backs off and asks what I meant. I said, "This is the first time I have met you, and I'm not comfortable with all this touching."

Oh my gosh, you would have thought he was a kid and I took his puppy away.... he backed right off and started looking all sad and I swear I could see tears coming in his eyes. (And I'm thinking: UGH!!)

In the past, I would have jumped to make HIM feel better... not this time.

I let him wallow in whatever the hell he was wallowing in. I just sat back, turned my attn. to some kids at the bar until he got over it -- which was probably a minute or so. (And then I realized, watching him recover, how stupid I've been in the past, and how easily I've been "played" by past men.)

So he starts apologizing and blaa, blaa, blaa...

But his behavior doesn't really stop. He tried kissing me, and I have to tell him, "Look, I'm not going to sit here and make out with you..."

Then he tries to convince me that there is nothing wrong with making out, and his behavior is because of how comfortable he feels with me, that he feels like he's known me for a long time...

At one point of the evening, he mentioned the "friend" text I sent as well. He said that was an eye opener and he was thinking, "What happened here? I have to do something." (Just as Ms. Mirror had said.)

I had to work real hard at not laughing.

So, I don't know what this guy's deal is, and right now, I don't care. I'm just glad I finally met him, and I am still learning how to handle myself and read men's behavior accurately to protect myself.

So, good morning all, and remember to please take care of your self first -- YOU are worth it!

(((HUGS)))); August 17, 2013 at 6:18 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody!

The other day I wrote about the man I´ve been corresponding with via email. He seems to be, well-read, educated, interesting. However, he doesn´t ask about me. I´ve decided to do an experiment and did exactly the same. I wrote to him about myself, didn´t react to any of the information he had written in his previous email and didn´t ask any questions to promote further communication.

Guess what happened? He wrote back as if I hadn´t changed the tone of my writing. Again all the email about him, his opinions, likes, interests, at the end of it wished me a nice day, not a single question about me.

Mirror, you were right as usual. He seems to be self-centred. However, I still can´t understand what motivates a man to correspond with a strange woman without being interested in her? I presume if I continued writing he would too, without ever considering asking me out on a real date. Why do men do this?

P.s.: I am done with him, don´t worry about me.
HopefulWithMen; August 17, 2013 at 6:20 PM
chk61 said...: Been thinking about my recent experience and I wanted to just mention how several of my friends suggested I ask the half-interested guy I was dating what was up, and to let him know what I wanted in my life, that I was interested in a relationship, etc. My response was always "thank you for your advice but why would I put myself into a situation to be rejected right to my face or given a bunch of half truths?" My friend(s) would say, "well at least you won't have to wonder if you just get it all out there and talk to him." Sorry well meaning friends, I don't agree.

Mirror is so right. A man's actions are all you need. A woman initiating a TALK with a half-interested man or a man who is being difficult is bad advice. If you need to vent, talk to your friends (but don't always take their advice!!!), post here, talk to a therapist (although you have to be VERY choosy as in my opinion, they often also give bad advice!) but it is not necessary to talk to the guy who is being flaky, not pursuing you, or otherwise not being present in your life.

There is NO way my half-interested man could think I wasn't interested...unless he is so insecure that I would have to get down on one knee and propose (and as Mirror points out repeatedly, dating an insecure man is fraught with difficulty). If he is that insecure, it is HIS problem and he needs to work on his own stuff. My half interested man admitted to me a few times that he was insecure. I feel for him but really, I gave him my time, my affection and if he isn't over his past break ups, well, it's not my job to be his pin cushion.

A guy friend suggested "well, maybe he's not sure how YOU feel about HIM." Nope, I was contacting him so he knew I was interested. One girlfriend, who incidentally is a therapist and single, said she would have asked him on the first or second date if he was interested in a relationship (OMG, such bad advice. This woman is very intense and scares men away). And a few other women thought it would be very empowering for me to tell this guy what I wanted in MY life, to make things clear, and not to ask him where HE was at or what HE was looking for but to simply declare what I wanted for ME - e.g. putting those intentions out into the Universe, letting him know in case he was uncertain or insecure, etc.

I was polite and listened to their advice but inside I'm thinking "hell, no". Been there, done that. Not necessarily with this guy but in my life and it really is NOT necessary to do. If my date cared, he would be initiating things with me, he would be pursuing me and not being lazy (he even admitted to me: "I'm lazy".) He would not go out of town for three weeks and not give me a heads up. So I don't need any clarity and I don't need to tell him what I want in my life. What I need to do is DISAPPEAR.

There are a few new irons in the fire and I will let these opportunities present themselves. If this guy has feelings for me, I will know in due time but it appears at present, he does not. In my younger days, I would be devastated and take it really personally but one of the nice things about aging (and there aren't THAT many) is since I am acutely aware of the passage of time, and it just FLIES by, I don't have time or the energy to worry about and obsess about a guy who doesn't want to spend time with me. So be it. I will miss him but since I don't have to see him at work, he does not run in my social circles, and we met online, I think after a short period of mild ego deflation and feeling a little disappointed, I will be ready to put him squarely in the past. No hard feelings, just didn't work out. In fact, I have some nice memories of fun times with him. I don't have feelings of resentment, I feel grateful for the experience and wish him well.; August 18, 2013 at 10:29 AM
KK said...: Hey everyone,

This is going to be a 3 part ‘series’ of events, so I’m going to start with Taurus first – the least of my problems over the weekend.

I have not heard anything from him (no messages on the site and no phone call) – I gave him the option of contacting me by phone. He said he really wanted to meet soon. And I’m sure he got my message, he was probably anticipating it – he seemed very eager, anxious, excited. So no call, yet ‘ready’ for a last minute, rushed, ‘pushed’ date.
I just recently checked to see the last time he was active on the site and it says ‘last night/yesterday’ – so he missed his window of opportunity it seems, yes he may have been busy, things come up all the time, but now that I know for sure he’s read my message and has my number, I’m not ‘waiting’, but curious to see if he’ll actually use it and make that call to me.
Is it fair to say that this man may deserve some ‘behavioral mirroring’? And IF he calls, to ignore it and get back to him a few days later? Or give him a break/chance and secretly allow him a few more days to get back to me? I also think a message first from him would be best, to explain himself somewhat – “Sorry I got your message too late.. I’ll give you a call ____”.

Rewind to Friday night – the friend I recently started communicating with again invited me out for a ‘girls night’, I have not ‘partied’ in months, and we both needed it. At first my gut was saying ‘no’ and I suggested the following night to her, it was too spur of the moment, no real planning, thinking ahead, etc. I always like to have a plan. She convinced me anyway and the night started off really well – however I made some observations about her and her behaviour, and I wasn’t the only one. We bumped into a lot of people we know but haven’t seen in a long time, there was laughing and lots of smiles and just a good time. I was happy at least, I felt good, I looked good and had an abundance of confidence – people noticed, a friend we bumped into called me the next morning and said “It was so nice seeing you last night, you looked awesome! You had a ‘glow’ about you, it was so nice to see that again”. I did attract both men and women, it seemed like everybody just gravitated towards me – I am not used to that, that never really happens, until now. I danced all night with a very nice man, had good conversation, he was affectionate (but gentlemanly). For me, it was great.

It was the complete opposite for my friend – she was emitting negativity that ultimately resulted in lots of drama and upsetting me and screwing me over the first chance she got. She is very chaotic, her life is in ruins, she’s in denial about a lot of issues and she’s toxic. Very Jekyll n Hyde.
For the men that we met, I was the ‘cool girl’ and they thought she was ‘grouchy’ yet kept trying to talk to her and make her feel better, offer a drink, try to dance with her. She was very cold to them. And then complained later why she was ‘so alone’ and not having a good time.
In a matter of minutes, her personality would change – she would seem ‘happy’ and then all of a sudden panic for no reason or become abrasive to others.; August 19, 2013 at 8:47 AM
KK said...: At the very end of the night/early morning she became very abusive and threatening towards me, called names for no reason, said I was an ‘ungrateful b*tch’ and even held some personal property of mine – spiteful. I gave her a threat of my own – “You have 2 hours to return my things to me, or I will have a police officer escort me to your house to pick it up instead” And I hung up the phone. (She has already had 2 recent run-ins with the police)
She jumped, she called me about an hour later with a very calm voice, very apologetic about the way she talked to me and said she would be at my place at a certain time. When she did arrive, her tail was between her legs and her head was down. I thanked her for returning my stuff and that was it for me.
This is why I stopped being a friend to her in the first place, it’s too much for anyone to have to go through and now she needs to seriously seek help for herself. – My gut said no from the beginning, for a reason. This also ties in with consequences – Maybe I got one of my own, I don’t know.

Before everything settled and calmed down and before I even got home, I was stuck, I needed some help. I couldn’t reach anyone and was in a panic “what do I do, who do I call?”, it was an emergency of sorts, I had to contact Pisces – it was tough, I really didn’t want to, but I HAD to. I was also making other arrangements for myself in case I didn’t hear back.
When I did make it home is when I heard from him or when I had some texts from him. My text to him was: “I don’t know if you’re available or not, but I really need some help” and I threw in ‘emergency’ somewhere. His replies were: “What?” and then followed by “I literally just woke up” and when I didn’t say anything he texted again “Hello?? Are you ok *my name*???”. I replied back to him “Sorry, I was in a panic and really needed someone, I didn’t know what to do, I’m ok though”. He seemed worried and showed some concern, he asked me what happened, we talked for a bit, he knows about this girl and how she is – he knows how upsetting it is and it’s very dramatic.
He told me he had a bad night too and had a hard time sleeping but left it at that and said he’d text me later.

Something is going on with him, I’m observing and can sense it. I think maybe he had enough ‘drama’ and after talking to me, he needed some balance and had to pull back a bit. I think we’re both dealing with difficult people right now, and it seemed like he wanted me to ask about it, otherwise why say anything, why give me an opening like that and not expect me to ask? – There’s also the fact I saw something he put on his FB Friday night as well – “Bitches are crazy! WOW” and of course his buddies chimed in, no elaboration though. I’m assuming that girl is still at it and won’t leave him alone.; August 19, 2013 at 8:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Once again dear, you did extremely well. You protected yourself and you took care of yourself. This guy may be a bit timid or awkward at times, but I still say he's used to shooting for the "hookup" type of connection (he's just a bit rusty is all, LOL ;-)

And if you pull back and look at the big picture here ladies, you'll see a pattern of sorts:

1) First thing out of his mouth was somewhat of a players "neg" ("Wow, you ARE tall" - to make her feel slightly uncomfortable with herself, attempting to give himself the advantage here)

2) Moved in quick to explore her personal boundaries as a woman (with all the touchy-feely stuff)

3) Used emotional manipulation, tossed in a tad bit of guilt and displayed selfishness (telling her there's nothing wrong with making out (manipulation, guilt) on a first date because HE feels like he's known her forever (selfish) - giving absolutely NO thought to the fact that SHE might NOT feel the same.)

And as you can see, many men do NOT even realize this is how they behave with women. I doubt this man intentionally aims to be a "player" of sorts when dating, however, because he's so unaware of how he's coming across and because he doesn't bother to think about the woman's perception of him in the situation - he ends up coming across like a 17 year old pushing for 3rd base under the bleachers, LOL. And I doubt he even realizes it.

And Gem, had YOU not been SO AWARE and paying such close attention to his ACTIONS - you may have gotten swept up in what he was selling there. But you didn't. You observed, you paid close attention, you set the boundaries immediately and you let HIM sweat that - you DID NOT let yourself be manipulated into feeling sorry for him or obligated to him in any way.

It'll be interesting to see where he takes this now. But I have a feeling that there's more to come, LOL ;-); August 19, 2013 at 8:57 AM
KK said...: There were a few messages Sunday. I followed through and did ask about his night, it only seemed fair. I didn’t pry, I just put the question out there, and then got snarky! “How was your night bad? Oh wait, psycho gf on your case?” and I laughed.
He seemed confused why I was asking and then sent me ??? in regards to the ‘psycho gf’ part, but he didn’t get defensive about her either, I was expecting something like “she’s not my gf!”.
I told him he didn’t have to tell me if he really didn’t want to, but I know something’s up though. He seemed really uncomfortable, didn’t really say much – cautious even. Maybe doesn’t want to admit I was right afterall.
I pulled back and let things be, didn’t continue to question or anything, and nothing was coming up about him and I, then he replied “They’re all crazy”. Wait, what’s that? Can’t hear you! Are you saying I was right? LOL.

I gave him a consequence and he chose that for himself anyway – I only gave him a fair warning. So now he knows what is out there, and he doesn’t like it, he feels like crap. This IS how people learn.

My next and last message to him was “Have you ever thought that maybe you make them crazy? It happens you know. And no, not ALL are ‘crazy’ like that. I think it would help though if you didn’t call them ‘bitches’”. – I obviously could have said a lot more actually. Let the crickets ensue...

It’s his own actions and nice words that make these ‘crazy’ girls. Some are already well on their way and they don’t need his assistance.
I would love to get to a point with him though where I could ‘enlighten’ him, obviously whatever he’s doing is not working.

In all instances, more so with the men – I’m hanging/pulling back, not doing anything else.
I am the cool girl.; August 19, 2013 at 9:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Well dear, this is clearly a self-centered man and sometimes, with these types - they are completely OBLIVIOUS to the fact that WOMEN HAVE OPTIONS.

Let me explain. What I have found is that every once in a while, you meet a man that kinda looks at women and thinks to himself a very common stereotype about them - they ALL NEED A MAN, they ALL WANT a man and they are ALL DESPERATE for one.

When a man looks at all women through that lens, he enters into a dating situation thinking HE'S the hot commodity here, and that it's up to the WOMAN to WIN HIM OVER. And that she's so desperate for a man, she'll take the lead role and begin to COURT HIM (flip Mother Nature's natural gender roles).

So what this guy is doing is, he's already labeled you desperate, he's already assumed that you WANT and NEED a man. So in his head, HE is the hot commodity here and it's up to YOU to win him over (pursue him, chase him, attempt to garner his attention, etc.)

He's acting like he's a real catch and he's taken the perspective that you're desperate and that YOU should win HIM over. As a result, he's hanging back and waiting for you to do that. He's most likely had that experience with women a couple times and he's erroneously labeled ALL women as such, based on that. So he's taken the stance that you don't have options, he does, and it's up to YOU to stand out above the rest.

Don't worry about it, he'll figure it out soon enough that women have plenty of options (many times, more than men) and that HE needs to up HIS game here. Problem is, I imagine that actually works on insecure women and/or women of low self-esteem. I imagine he's seen these women "jump" to win him over. And all that does is. . .attract more insecure, low self-esteem women to himself, therefore perpetuating this cycle and aiding him in maintaining this erroneous point of view on women.

As you stated, pass on this one. It'll always be about him and it'll never be about you, so he'll never make you happy. But you do see this out there, particularly in online dating, so just be prepared for the signs and issue a BOLO (be on the lookout) on these types so you can spot them before you waste your precious time and energy on them, LOL ;-); August 19, 2013 at 9:28 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Chk61

Thank God you've got the awareness of the right thing to do. It can be so dangerous listening to girlfriends if you follow their advice. One I've heard in the past when not hearing from the man 'Well at least you'd know' - meaning if you contact him you'd know one way or another. How bad is that?! It is ignorance though. It's great to have Mirror and her wonderful website because if we were relying on our girlfriends and even therapists to advice us best I feel it would just lead to heartache, despair and being messed about and who wants that?!

The only true way you can get a healthy relationship as you know is to let the man lead because that happens then you know he really wants it...

Even with your insecure man if he can sort himself out maybe by realising that he really wants you and if he doesn't do something he's not going to get you, he will only come to his senses when he knows you're gone.

So you're totally doing the right thing by not listening to your girlfriends ;) Stay strong!!; August 19, 2013 at 10:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Interesting story to share girls about observing a man in a bar up near my camp this weekend (a bar in the middle of nowhere LOL, a forest bar).

This place can be rough at times. When I pulled in, there were a group of bikers there and a mixture of locals. I thought, "Oh this should be interesting" - and it WAS, LOL.

The front door is hanging wide open and before I even approach - I can hear one man's voice bellowing above the rest. I thought, "Ok, there's an insecure assh*le here."

I walk in and BOOM, there he was, front and center at the bar, couldn't miss this one. I walk to the middle of the bar and grab a seat. I'm now planted firmly between the locals and the bikers. Okay cool.

There are two young female bartenders and two other female patrons, one's a local and one's a biker with men.

And this guy starts. VERY loud, with a very deep, almost fake forced gruff voice (as if he was trying too hard to be macho and purposefully dropping lots of baritone in his voice). He's with his dad (elderly) and another elderly man that was his dad's friend. The man himself was late 30's early 40's - but you could tell that ALL 3 of these men were ignorant pigs just by watching them.

Well, this macho guy starts and I swear when I came in, he got worse. EVERYTHING that flew out of this man's mouth and bellowed through the bar had an undertone of disgust and disrespect aimed at WOMEN. And the entire time he was being openly offensive, he was laughing at himself, as if he was the most hip and happening guy in the room, cracking himself up.

Now here's where it gets interesting ladies. Not once, NOT ONCE - did I look in this man's direction after seating myself. NOT ONCE, did I give this man a drop of attention (which based on his actions is clearly what he's attempting to garner here - the attention of others).

I looked around the bar at the other women to see how they were reacting to it. The biker woman and the other local at the bar were older women, probably early 40's - and NEITHER one of them were looking in this man's direction either. As a matter of fact, the local woman completely turned her back to him to face the person she was with. And the biker - she left minutes later.

That left me and the two young local bartenders.

And this guy's getting louder and louder and more offensive now. Here's a tid bit of what I was hearing:

1) One of the bartenders went fishing with her son. He asked if she caught anything and she said no. His response? "It's always a good thing when a woman goes out and doesn't "catch anything." (i.e. STD - insinuating that all women are whores.)

2) She had a bug bite on her neck from being down by the water. His remark? "Looks like you must've been with an over zealous man there." (because all women must be whores messing around with men while they're fishing).

3) One bartender was ending her shift. He said, "Come on down here honey and get your tip." (i.e. Come grove for my $2). This girl, being young, starts to skip down to him. His remark? "Oh look, she's coming like a good girl." He's now waving the few dollars and whistling, like he's whistling for a dog. "Come on, atta' girl, come and get it. Dance on the pole and I'll give you more." (i.e. Come beg for your two dollars and if you want two more, do something disrespectful to yourself for me. Come like a dog and do tricks for me like a circus monkey for money.)

She was clearly too young to realize what was taking place here. The other men he was with were winking at each other and laughing. This poor girl thought they were laughing WITH her. She was too young to see that they were laughing AT her.

Cont. . .; August 19, 2013 at 12:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: That was it for me. I was so effin' mad at that point, I literally had to clap my mouth over my hand for fear that something was going to fly out that might start a showdown in this place.

This man saw me do that. He instantly knew from my body language and the body language of the local woman still left there with her back completely turned to him that he was getting under our skin. So he gets up and starts peacocking around the bar, being loud and obnoxious and making more derogatory statements about women, attempting to get a reaction from us. Neither of us budged. She sat with her back to him, and I wouldn't look this man in the eye or in his direction at all - but I COULD see him in the mirror, trying harder and harder to garner our attention (completely insecure and overcompensating for it).

So now, I'm fuming - and it's starting to show. My friends are noticing and I whisper under my breath to one of my male friends there, "I'm about to blow an effin' gasket any minute here."

He didn't even have to ask why. He KNEW exactly what I was talking about because he's watching this too. First thing he said to me was, "This guy is completely insecure and he's acting like an ass because of it. If you say something and he gets ignorant, I'm going to have to kick his ass."

So here we are, out of towners now ready to go toe to toe with the locals LOL. Once I had confirmation that should I decide to proceed, I had backup. . .I was prepared to go forth and took two deep breaths, attempting to construct how to approach this. I started tapping my finger nails on the bar loudly, and stirring my Captain and Coke so vigorously that ice flew out of my glass, LOL.

And then a funny thing happened ladies. HE noticed ME. I could feel it. Like how you just know someone is watching you. My friend whispered, "Here it comes, get ready" thinking that - okay - now it's on. He's knows she's pissed and we're all positioning ourselves for a confrontation now.

I FINALLY turn my head and look this asshole dead in the eyes. I'm just about to open my mouth. . .and he makes an announcement that it's time for him to go. He cashes out his tab at the bar, rustles up the two men he was with - and out the door they go.

Honestly, I was shocked. I was prepared for the worst, and yet, something completely unexpected happened. . .he sensed I had held back my attention until the point I was about ready to explode. He KNEW that when I finally made eye contact with him - I was prepared to take him on.

And he ran out of there like a little boy, LOL.

And when he did, the entire atmosphere of the bar changed. I swear you could hear people exhale a sigh of relief. I turned to look at the locals next to me and the woman spun back around to face the bar and she looked at me and let off a slight smile. The female bartender came over to me, smiled at me, and asked me if I was ready for another drink.

YES - I WAS, LOL.

So where am I going with this? Here is my point girls. . .you DON'T have to SAY a WORD to be HEARD. Not one single word. Men instinctually KNOW the language of action and are well versed at reading a woman's body language. No one had to tell this man I was ready for a fight with him - he already KNEW that by OBSERVING my ACTIONS (my non-reaction to him). And he instinctually knew that when I finally DID face him and give him a few seconds of my attention. . .that I was READY to deal with him accordingly. And he already KNEW he was being offensive to the women there and he was treating them poorly and that others there didn't appreciate it either. . .and he left.

Moral of the Story: You don't have to SAY a WORD to be HEARD - and men DO know when they behave badly ;-); August 19, 2013 at 12:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody!

@Mirror, thank you for your explanation. I agree with everything you wrote. Maybe he is entitled also because he is the same age as me so he takes me for granted believing that he has younger options, who knows? I have decided not to continue this correspondence. If he wakes up and writes again trying a more normal conversation, I´ll give him a chance. But for now he´s been written off.

@Gemini 50
I am happy to hear that CO has finally asked you out and you were a very cool woman on the date. If he is at least a bit genuine and honest, I am sure he will not stop communicating with you.

I wish all of you a nice day,
HopelessWithMen; August 19, 2013 at 1:04 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Chk61 - so nice to see you back.

@ Hopeful - we'll see if he is a gentleman; so far I'm not impressed.

@ Ms. Mirror,
You are right on all counts AGAIN! (I don’t know how you do it)

“1 - First thing out of his mouth was somewhat of a players "neg."

I didn’t see it as a “player” neg comment, but I do see it now. At the time, I saw it as immaturity and I knew right then and there that I was with a weak man. But a weak man does not equate to a bad man.

I was disappointed, but I also understand people are not here for my needs, so if a weak man is who he is, then so be it. I thought I’d just try to have a nice visit and maybe we could share some laughter and just a pleasant night out.

“2 - Moved in quick to explore her personal boundaries as a woman (with all the touchy-feely stuff).”

Yep, and he WAS acting like a 17-yr old -- a very “needy and damaged” 17-yr old. At one point when I went to the bathroom, CO asked me, “You aren’t going to slip out the door are you?” So, he knew what he was doing was offensive to me. Sitting here writing this now, I have to ask myself, “Why didn’t you leave?”

“3 - Used emotional manipulation, tossed in a tad bit of guilt and displayed selfishness … giving absolutely NO thought to the fact that SHE might NOT feel the same.”

Correct on all counts. When he continued his behavior and I pushed back, he said he didn’t INTEND for his behavior to be out of line, but he couldn’t help himself… blaa, blaa, blaa.

I asked him, “How do you think a WOMAN FEELS when she first meets a man and he has his hands all over her?” He acted like he was listening, but kept making excuses for his behavior and repeated that he felt like he knows me.

I responded, “But I don’t know you.”

So, if any man is reading this now, I hope you are paying attention. If your actions show you are a man of character, a good woman will listen and think about every word that comes out of your mouth. If your actions and your words do not align -- you are wasting your breath, because a good woman won’t hear a thing.

“It'll be interesting to see where he takes this now. But I have a feeling that there's more to come, LOL ;-)”

Well, I think he’s still going to be lazy and expect me to chase him or serve myself up to him on a silver platter.

He text me when he got home > Call me.

I did not.

So he called me about 5 minutes later to make sure I got home safe.

I answered the call and told him I was home safe and to have a good night.

Then he text me late Sat morning to tell me he was driving his son to a beach a couple hours away.

Then he text me late Sat night to tell me it was a long drive.

Then he text me early Sunday night to ask how my weekend was.

I responded to the Sun night text suggesting he turn on 60-Minutes for story on RobinHood organization (very cool effort if it’s all true). I said the man being interviewed was “amazing.”

CO responded> I can be amazing!!

I tried to keep the txts casual about the show, he kept bringing it back to him.

Finally I said> Good night (CO).

He responded the same.

And he text me this morning to have a great Monday. I responded in kind.

If he asks me out, I’ll stick to the 3-day rule. And if we go out, as soon as he starts with the touchy-feely, I hope I can respond quick and straightforward and if he doesn’t stop, this girl is going to leave… that’s my plan.; August 19, 2013 at 8:11 PM
@lONDONcALLING said...: Here's a bone for all of you to nibble on...@ MOA and the ladies.

I live in a beautiful modern European town and women here are very progressive, to their detriment sometimes, if you ask me. I have a relative: Sister-in-Law actually who is adamant that women are equal to men.

Complete to the point of paying equally for dates, contributing equally to resources and the like. She has no desire to 'submit' to a man and has driven off her first husband with her need to prove herself as equally capable as men.

Think of 'equal' in terms of pursuit, courtship, paying for dates, contributing resources, housework, ideas, gender roles, etc.

@MOA what is your take on equality to this degree that it drives away any man who would want to be with her and be a husband and father to her 2 beautiful kiddos?; August 20, 2013 at 5:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA -

Let me start off by saying that I always enjoy reading your advice. It's like a voice of reason when we tend to have unreasonable thoughts and fears when it comes to the woes of dating. ;)

I'm seeking a little clarity for a situation I find myself in. I've been dating a guy for a little over four months and it's been going great. We've taken it very slow, which has been mostly due to some things in our lives, but it's really given us the opportunity to get to know each other without rushing into things as we both tend to do. I've actually enjoyed that aspect most as I felt it was helping us to build something without forcing labels on it.

I let him do the pursuit - whether it was first contact, asking me out on a date, etc. He usually paid even when I offered to chip in and appreciated the little stuff I'd do in return, whether it was a batch of cookies or a picnic date in the park.

He started expressing his feelings over the past month or so (no 'l bombs' or anything) and while I'm guarded from past hurt and not as open, I've started to develop some feelings, too.

He asked me to be his date at his brother's wedding, which is now in less than two weeks. Even as recent as Thursday, he was talking about how excited he was for me to meet his family and reassured me that they'd like me a lot.

Things have been a bit stressful for both of us with our jobs and personal goings on. I've always made it a point to be a sounding board if he needs it (though he's apologized in the past for unloading on me). He hasn't been taking great care of himself lately and promised he'd get things in order. I can't be the one to do that for him.

In any case, as of Friday afternoon, he seemingly dropped off the face of the earth (no warning whatsoever) in the midst of texting while we were both at work. I didn't read into it too much because I figured he had to wrap up things before he went to his brother's. I sent him a text late that night to express that I hope he got home OK and to have a good night - nothing we normally wouldn't do for each other.

The next day, I didn't hear from him. Not even Sunday, Monday or today.

It's unusual, I'll admit, since I'm so used to him making first contact and we've never gone a day without contact, but I'm standing my ground. Friends have suggested that maybe he wants to hear from me first for once (I've only made first contact twice in the whole time we've been dating just to make the effort). I refuse to do what they suggest and believe The Rubber Band Theory has to be in effect.

If he's really interested in me, I know he'll come around at some point. (I guess I'm wondering if it will be before the wedding. Lol). I also know I can't let him think I'm fretting and start blowing up his phone. I have plenty of things to keep me busy.

Of course, I do miss hearing from him, but I realize there is potential for a guy to do this whole introspective "man thing" no matter how well things could be going.

What, in your expertise, do you think it sounds like he's doing with this sudden disappearance? ... cold feet? too busy? getting his shit in order? testing my reaction?; August 20, 2013 at 8:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LondonCalling,
"MOA what is your take on equality to this degree that it drives away any man who would want to be with her and be a husband and father to her 2 beautiful kiddos?"

Well, you have to look at the energy exchange in relationships for the answer as there is generally a masculine energy and a feminine energy at play. So if the woman is masculine (leading), she will most likely draw the affections of a feminine man (submissive) - not necessarily a sissy boy or anything, but a man that is willing to submit to HER lead. Because if there are two masculine energies in a relationship, it will most likely lead to lots of competition, quarrels and squabbles about who's right, who's wrong and who should come out on top - a power struggle basically.

I believe that a woman that emits a high degree of masculine energy will most likely be more inclined to naturally attract a man that's willing to submit to that, to her lead. Because when it comes to the underlying energy exchange in relationships, opposites do attract - one is generally feminine (submissive) and one is generally masculine (leading).

And when I say submissive when referring to feminine energy, don't get confused ladies, I'm not suggesting that you role over and play dead with men, submitting to their will time and time again in a powerless position. And women who are extremely masculine, what they don't see or they fail to recognize is that - feminine energy IS POWER. There is a ton of power in your feminine wiles ladies.

There's a scene in the movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where the Mother and Daughter want something from the father, permission of sorts if I remember correctly (I may be foggy on this). And the mother intervenes and says, "Let me handle this, don't worry I got this." And she handles the father like a pro, getting exactly what she wanted from him while at the same time - making him think it was HIS idea, LOL. She stroked his ego, he got all mushy and caved. He got an ego boost and the last word - she got everything she asked for ;-)

A woman with a heavy masculine energy may drive many men away before finding one that's willing to submit to her lead. Because men like dating women, they like feminine energy. It's warm, soft, embracing, loving, relaxing and soothing to them - they like to swim in it. True gentlemen like to pay your way, it makes them feel manly. They like to provide for you, it makes them feel manly. They like to pursue you and win you over, it makes them feel manly. When they date a woman who is doing all of those things herself - this actually makes them feel emasculated by her. She removes all existing opportunities for them to feel manly. And before you know it, they find themselves moving away from that energy.

Dating a woman with a heavy masculine energy would be much like dating another dude. And if men wanted to date dudes, they'd switch teams.; August 21, 2013 at 9:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LondonCalling,
One last thought I forgot to share regarding masculine versus feminine in relationships. And this is a biggie ladies. There is ONE THING that ALL men NEED in a relationship and that one thing is:

They NEED to feel that they make you HAPPY.

And this is HUGE girls. Gentlemen pay your way because it makes you happy. They do special things for you to make you happy. They provide for you to make you happy. It all goes back to making you happy.

And when you have a woman that smacks away those opportunities for a man, opportunities to make you happy (paying, providing, etc.) - then the guy starts to think, "What am I doing here? I'll never be able to make her happy because she doesn't need me."

And this enters into murky territory to an extent in that, I advocate making yourself happy, for all women, I believe that's important - to be whole. However, even when you're whole and you can and do provide things for yourself to make you happy. . .you still, as a woman, need to be feminine in that you still need to provide opportunities for the man to make you happy as well. And those can be small things like providing, paying, special things, etc.

If a woman with a heavy masculinity starts complaining or pointing out how the man can do better or should do better or should've done this instead or should've let her do this instead. . .you get where I'm going. The man starts to feel like he can't make the woman happy. He starts to feel like a failure and a loser and "less" somehow. (And we're talking about good men here, not bozos and lazy users.)

And it's that dynamic that can start to drive men away - the feeling of being unable to make you happy.

Ever notice how when you start complaining or decide to have that "talk" with a man - POOF, off he goes? It's not because of the nagging, although that's what most men themselves chalk it up to - but rather - it's actually the feeling of being a failure of sorts, being unable to make you happy.

And when a woman is incredibly masculine, there are few opportunities for a man to make a woman like that happy. Because the roles are reversed and SHE is performing the male tasks of providing. As a result, she'll be likely to draw men towards her that are poor providers and need provided for, softer men that are willing to submit to her lead and probably a slew of losers and men looking for a sugar mama' as well. Because if she's masculine, the natural fit would be the addition of a feminine energy - and in this case, that'd need to be the male role.; August 21, 2013 at 9:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 20, 8:27PM,
Well, it could be several things. It could be that something happened, someone from his past arrived on the scene or - he's testing you before making this step of introducing you to his family.

He may be having second thoughts for whatever reason and as a result, he may be thinking, "I wonder if she's crazy. If I disappear - what's she like at her worst?" Sounds ridiculous I know, but men do do this ladies, so it is a possibility. And I've seen men pull this little stunt. . . .right before they're about to dive into the territory of "feeling" for someone. Sometimes, being from Pittsburgh (home of steel town and the Pittsburgh Steelers) - I often refer to this as their "Hail Mary" pass, much like the one Terry Bradshaw threw to Franco Harris in 1972 against the Oakland Raiders that was affectionately coined the "Immaculate Reception," LOL. It's like the one last "test" out of desperation that many men see if a woman can pass before taking the official dive with her - to make sure they don't have a "crazy lady" on their hands, LOL.

"Friends have suggested that maybe he wants to hear from me first for once"

Are they forgetting that he DID HEAR FROM YOU that day - AND HE IGNORED YOU, LOL??

"I sent him a text late that night to express that I hope he got home OK and to have a good night. . .The next day, I didn't hear from him. Not even Sunday, Monday or today."

You've made a move at contact here and it went unanswered. Sit tight. If something happened, he'll circle around to explain. If he's got cold feet, give him some space and time. If an ex circled back around, let him explore that and if he genuinely cares for you, he won't go full throttle there and he'll circle back around to you.

Most women fear when an ex resurfaces in a man's life, but I've found that if you quietly step back, don't make a fuss, don't cry and don't beg. . .the men are generally quickly reminded of why that woman became an ex in the first place. . .and before you know it, they're back. And not only are they back - this time, THEY'RE SURE - about YOU.

Many times ladies, when men circle around back to an ex. . .it works to your advantage in that all that woman does is remind them of all the great things about you and the things that made them his ex in the first place, LOL - and it can actually strengthen his feelings for you and send him jumping into your arms (whereas before he may have been hesitant.)

It takes a lot of strength and confidence as a woman to do that - but trust me, I've seen this have the completely OPPOSITE effect. I've seen men that were extremely hesitant to move a relationship with a woman forward - only to revisit an ex - and then come running back into the woman's arms, sure of their feelings for her as the right one - and make a proposal, thus sealing the deal.

Sounds counterproductive I know, but it DOES happen ladies. So if/when another woman shows up on the scene - make sure YOU are the COOL chic. . .and let HER be the whiny, clingy one. . .and the entire situation will eventually play right into your hands. And not only that, when he circles around, YOU will definitely hold more power with him than you previously did ;-); August 21, 2013 at 10:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
P.S. I should mention that with my above reference to the scenario of a woman holding her own in the face of "another woman" scenario. . .I have just seen a man who did this to a woman last year - walk down the aisle with her two weeks ago ;-); August 21, 2013 at 10:18 AM
@lONDONcALLING said...: @ Mirror...Thankyou!
Sometimes we women are so used to taking care of business. The kids, home affairs, school, the side job, extended family that we forget to sit back and let a man be a man.

Your expounding of masculine/feminine energy in gender roles makes perfect sense. Someone has to step in the gap but if we women do it, we will attract someone who's subservient.

Thankyou Mirror! I'll share your thoughts with her. She has been very depressed lately as the men she has had the opportunity to spend time with leave after a few months' relationship, vanish or act all kinds of nutty - and she didn't know why!; August 22, 2013 at 4:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @London Calling,
There was an episode on Millionaire Matchmaker where Patti, the matchmaker, addresses Leah, Founder of the women's clothing line, "Married to the Mob" about her masculine, controlling energy and how self-defeating it will be to attracting a masculine man.

You can see the video clip here:

http://www.bravotv.com/the-millionaire-matchmaker/season-4/videos/masculine-leah; August 22, 2013 at 5:17 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA -

This is Anonymous from Aug. 20. Thank you for your input! You make very valid points. I hadn't even considered that an ex could have popped up, but that could certainly be a possibility. People have a way of trying to reappear in your life at the most interesting of times. For example, a month into dating this guy, someone I had been talking to previously texted me to apologize for his disappearance as he was "going through contacts because he got a new phone." (The reason for his disappearance? He got back together with an old girlfriend). Of course, I think he was feeling out his chances when he asked me if I found someone. When I said yes and that things were going great, I immediately got the "I'm so happy for you! You were such a sweet person!" blah blah blah. LOL. So yes, ladies, they DO come back!

As of right now, I'm sitting tight and keeping myself occupied. Ladies - what MOA and others recommend is true - you gotta keep yourself busy while you deal with a disappearing man. If you don't, you're left alone with your thoughts and they begin to gnaw at you to the point where you feel as if you HAVE to do something to take control of the situation. The only thing you can really control, at the end of the day, is yourself and your own actions.

While I mentioned that people told me well maybe he wants to hear from me, I don't think that's necessarily the case. Sure, it'd be nice to let him know I care about his well being while he's going through whatever, but since I'm not clear on the cause of his disappearance, I run the risk of potentially pushing him away.

This whole time, he has initiated almost everything. He never once asked me, "Hey, do you mind texting me first a 'good morning' for once?" or, "Hey, why don't you ask me out and pay for dinner?" He has been in total control the whole time we've been dating (the hunter) and I think that's what he wants. I think for me to give in gives him what he wants to find out - whether my reaction is going to be of the needy sort or crickets chirping (if his absence, in fact, is a test more than anything).

So, we'll see if this goes beyond the full week or longer. I know there isn't any real timetable for when a guy could reappear, but I do know that I can't sit at home and mope the whole time! I gotta live my life for me. :); August 22, 2013 at 10:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Made all the mistakes listed up there, I actually called him yesterday. Aaaaarrrgh. Terrible feeling. Is it too late to turn the tables and earn my place, respect. Or he is a bum that I should let go of.; August 23, 2013 at 3:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 22, 10:01PM,
Many men are pretty slick about how they test women dear. They deny playing games but that's what they're doing when they do that. But to their defense, lots of them don't even realize what they're doing because for them, it's actually instinctual rather than intentional.

For instance, one man I dated talked about a weekend date. Ok, fine. Then he disappeared. Ok, fine. Then he resurfaced 5 days later. Ok, here we go, LOL. And here's the exchange we had:

Him: You didn't contact me.

Me: No, I don't chase men that disappear.

Him: Well, it would've been nice to know you were interested.

Me: I don't play games. You knew I was interested, I was dating you and available to you, what more do you need?

Him: I don't play games.

Me: Umm, you just did.

Him: [crickets]

Him: [twenty minutes later] Whatever. Good luck to you.

Me: Same to you, you're going to need it.

Him: I know.

LOL! He KNEW what he was doing and he KNEW he was going to need luck in doing it - because it's a risk to play the game. You risk losing the woman and apparently, he was on the losing end of his game probably more than once and knew he'd need luck on his side.

Another reappeared 15 MONTHS later, yes almost a year and a half later. He was making small talk and banter via text. I finally decided to respond this time out of curiosity (he had tried several times months earlier to no avail). He quickly moved it into sexual territory and then outed himself for playing the game when we first dated and he first disappeared:

Him: I'm getting in the shower now.

Me: [Crickets]

Him: Last chance, I'm naked. Take me now or lose me forever. (He was basically saying, "You better sleep with me this time or I'm gone, which I think he thought would be a threat, LOL)

Me: Ooh, better get naked and run right over there then. [sarcasm]

Him: [Ringing my phone]

I answer this time and we begin small talk. Next thing ya' know, he says to me:

Him: You're vindictive.

Me: You must be out of your damn mind.

Him: Hold on, calm down. I mean. . .when someone treats you bad, you're not nice to them. (Which is what he's used to, treating women like shit and watching the effect it has on them of making THEM try harder with HIM.)

Me: LOL! No. You're right. When someone treats me like shit, I am not nice to them.

Him: That's vindictive.

Me: No dear, that's called karma. And it comes back on you three fold. What you put out there is what you get back.

Him: [Long sigh] Yea. Karma. It does all come right back at you.

Me: It certainly does, which is why it doesn't pay to play.

Him: Well you just don't do it once. If someone is mean to you and then they try to be nice, you're not nice to them. (He was talking about me ignoring him after he disappeared.) And then they try again, and you're still not nice to them (he was referring to his many attempts). You don't take any shit from anyone.

Me: You're absolutely correct. And I assume that you date women who eat shit, LOL.

Him: Well no, I date nice women. I mean. . .I umm. . .well yea. (He was realizing that he dates women who are pushovers.)

Me: You don't know how to handle a strong woman. You tested one and lost, LOL.

Him: [Looooong sigh]

LOL! And there you have it. Both of these men played the game - and lost. And I must say that both were mystified about it. Apparently, it's always been a win-win situation for them and they were absolutely mystified as to how I caught onto them and why they're "magic" procedure with women - didn't work on me.

And I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed listening to both of them squirm, LOL ;-)

So ladies, never assume that these men aren't aware of the "unspoken" things going on in the dynamics between you. They know full well what they're doing.; August 23, 2013 at 10:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies,
11 Signs You Might Be Dating a Sociopath:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/23/11-signs-dating-a-sociopath_n_3780417.html; August 23, 2013 at 10:29 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror

I'm back for an update. In my last post on August 16 @ 12:09 pm, I said I would have used your Option 2, but because of what happened that night, I wasn't going to answer his text because I felt he was using me for a booty call.

He bombed my phone the next day, and I decided to text him. He even text me during the 4 days I went on vacation. Even after coming back, he wanted to come over but still no plans on taking me out, while he talked about the movies he had seen.

As of today I text him "I enjoyed the fun times we had together, but I want more. My feelings are headed in another direction, so I am going to end these casual sex hookups." He replied that he understood and hope for the best. Now I know how he feels and where he stood between the two of us. I felt like I left the door opened with my text, if I was wrong to assume that he did want a relationship with me. Obviously, he took a different direction.

I'm a little sad by the outcome because I really enjoyed our times together, he acted like he wanted more, and he was a great guy. It hurts to be rejected.

Sam; August 23, 2013 at 4:48 PM
KK said...: Hi all,

Pisces is still texting me.. Wanted to continue the conversation about my chaotic wknd – I really don’t. But he’s inquiring about what happened to ME. He seems concerned. Good.
He didn’t answer my question from Monday (about fwb, being up front and clear, ‘crazy’ girls or girls who are ‘nuts’ and fall in love with him right away). His non responsiveness and silence was my answer. He’s in deep (can’t admit anything, own up – give away his ‘game’, But I know). I won’t bring it up anymore or try to talk about it. Not my problem.

Either way, he texted me; in continuation, on Wednesday night after a certain TV show played (was/is 'our' show)he was thinking about me I guess and felt so inclined to send me a message. I did exactly as he did and didn't respond til today. We texted a little bit. I’m enforcing equal ‘give and take’ – he wouldn’t share something with me when I had asked him a question (above). And then on Wed, he was asking me a question – on one hand, he was trying to continue to talk about something I didn’t want to talk about (and why give any information if he won’t give me any – you give a little, I give a little, we share like adults) and on the other hand, he was relating it directly to me – so I only enforced that aspect of it, his genuine concern, but again didn’t reveal too much. I told him it was over and done with and I didn’t feel like talking about it anymore, I told him to change the subject – and then added, “You’re pretty good at that”. My own Neg? LOL. It was clear to him though, he ‘got’ it, but it was said without attitude, it was almost playful and sarcastic. He loves that about me – ALL men love that. Then because I had said that, he in turn teased me about something (but did it playfully) – so again, we’re on equal playing field.

He didn’t cross any lines/boundaries exactly or dive right into sexual territory but kinda teased or joked.
I left him alone the rest of the day, didn’t bug, didn’t chase. Did my own thing, remained independent, and let him have his ‘space’ and ‘time’ and do his job (he has started texting me again during the workday) – and he seems happy to do so, it’s not a chore or he’s not giving me any vibes of doing it cause he HAS to, or it’s annoying to him – I think it’s actually pleasurable for him, his attitude is different – at first (last weekend) he was a bit uncomfortable and awkward, and now he is laughing again, seems happy to speak to me and is joking and everything – It will keep him wanting more (positive, fun loving, easy-going, relaxed, carefree demeanor I have).
If he wants to talk some more or know anything else, he knows where to find me, he knows I’m still interested or ‘available’ – since I’m responding to his messages and communicating. I let him do the initiating, I mirrored when necessary, was vague/matter of fact like, playful – still the same girl from before. I’m also letting him know when he is ‘out of bounds’ with me, by my actions, not words.
We left it at that, I decided to let it stew for him during the day, I knew I would be on his mind, he’d be wanting more of it or more of me, it would be to my advantage to back away slowly, carry on with my day and do ME.
He is the one initiating as I said and sparking things back up – if he’s pulled away a bit, it’s understandable (work, life, his independence) and that just lasted 2 days, then he ‘sprung’ back (rubber-band). If he has pulled back due to something a bit ‘heavy’ (like the girl – or situation he may be in) that’s also understandable to me now – I’m not freaking out about it and running after him and nagging. Instead I observe his actions and LET HIM pull away and actually feel more confident in doing so. Coincidentally enough, just as this was starting up again with him, I read ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ by Sherry Argov. I love it, the way it’s all laid out is what makes it stick – it correlates with what’s here as well. A 1-2 punch!; August 23, 2013 at 11:17 PM
KK said...: And as for any other men – I still haven’t heard from the Taurus (It’s been a week since I provided him with my number) He was on 2 days later, my message to him was short and sweet so I’m sure he glanced it over – upon seeing (***) *** ****, wouldn’t a man quickly program that in his phone or write it down and say to himself “YES!!”. I mean seriously, being so busy that you can’t spare 5 minutes for a phone call during the week? BS! So I’m going to suspect that he’s just lazy, or he’s a player. I won’t get that upset about it, but I do shake my head – This man was interested, I know I did not do anything wrong (as compared to before when I would blame myself), he’s the one who asked me out, he initiated, etc.
Here’s an idea: Don’t bother asking a woman out on a date and then discuss it, make plans and then... POOF! – To me right now, it has nothing to do with ‘interest’ or having me chase him or the ‘game’. I just think it’s rude and annoying, shows a lot about a man’s character – He has NONE. There’s really no excuse he could make up. – I am choosing to not frequent the site as much now. Be scarce and ‘unavailable’.

I met another man just a few days ago through a friend, she has known him for years. I didn’t even realize what was happening at first – I went to her home to visit, she is engaged and has a young daughter, her and her fiancé are letting this guy stay with them for a bit and helping him settle into his own place soon, he was not there when I arrived, I was playing with the daughter and talking to my friend as he walked in – she has some poor social skills at times and forgets to introduce people to eachother. I acknowledged him and was my usual ‘quiet, observant’ self. He seemed very quiet as well, but yet ‘comfy’ – makes himself at home like it’s his, was on his laptop almost the whole time I was there (which was a couple of hours). He was either shy or just anti-social. He turned to me at one point, introduced himself and I did catch him looking over at me a few times and he was smiling. He didn’t engage in any conversation though.
I left to return home and my two friends were bugging me to come back after I had finished what I had to do (I knew I was being ‘set up’) But I also had promised the little girl I would come back and play. My girlfriend walked me out and we stood outside talking and right away she told me he (Tony) had texted her throughout the afternoon in regards to me – he thinks I’m ‘hot’, he doesn’t know what to say to me, he ‘likes’ me, he’s just too shy, and asked her what I thought of him. I had just met him. He was also talking to her about past relationships (which were all ‘virtual’ btw) and said he just wanted to take things ‘slow’. His actions don’t line up with that at all. He is moving very fast for me. (Predator vs Prey scenario)
When I returned, it’s like they had planned ‘seating arrangements’ for me and Tony to sit next to eachother – that made me uncomfortable, so instead I chose to sit wherever I wanted. They knew now not to force me into anything. (ACTION!!!)
We all spent the night conversing, laughing, joking and had lots to keep us entertained. This so called man who thought I was so ‘hot’ and liked me? Still did not talk to me. I sensed right away that he is very insecure. Women scare the shit out of him! Then at one point while talking about a certain interest of ours, he chimed in and said “All four of us should do that sometime!” – He was ‘forcing’ a date of some kind, my friend looked at him and said “Well, you’d have to ask KK if she’d wanna do that first”, you should’ve seen the look on his face – like a 2 year old who had just been scolded and sent to the corner. At another point in the evening, my friend had texted him “Talk to her! Ask her something..” – I could see this! He turned to ask me and I interrupted and said “Why don’t you have her text you what I like” and we all laughed.; August 23, 2013 at 11:30 PM
KK said...: It was quiet again until I decided I was going home (She lives nearby, so it’s a quick walk), he stood up and walked me out with her and then asked if I wanted him to walk me home, of course I accepted.
On the way, he made small talk – along with past ‘issues’ (life, relationships) and here I’m thinking “Oh god, here we go... red flag, TMI, that’s a turn off, really?!” Then as we approach my house, I thanked him for walking me, told him it was nice meeting him and then go to step forward in the direction I’m headed anyway and he pipes up and says with a smile (proud of himself for how brave he is at this point) “Can I get your number?” – I wanted to laugh. My second instinct said “go for it, what the hell, who knows.. he could open up a bit more, let’s just see what happens”. He got it. And as I was walking away, I KNEW he was looking at me, but I did not turn around to check.

Not even 5 minutes later, he texts: “Hey hun”. UGH – hun? Already? I waited and then replied: “Hun? I thought you were shy! Lol”

Tony: I am shy lol (in person), Sorry if I called you that, I usually call everyone that - GOTCHA!! (Ladies, that means don’t take those ‘words’ personally – know to only take it as a compliment and nothing else)

He continues with asking me what I like to do, watch, eat, etc. Then he tries to butter me up...

Tony: You are a really nice person, probably the nicest I’ve ever been introduced to.
Me: That could wear off lol. You only just met me, of course I’m gonna be nice.
Tony: I bet even on your bitchiest day, you still would be the nicest person I have ever met. (BARF! – I burst into laughter)
Tony: You looked very beautiful today - (I’m still laughing, this is too much, too soon)
Me: Is that your ‘go to’ line? I heard something different lol. (The ‘hot’ remark)
Tony (30 minutes later): Ok your hot lol

He texts “Hey” the next day – I let it go THIS time. We talk a little, I’m busy, while he is sitting on the couch all day on his laptop and playing videos games (SO FUN!)
It is Tuesday, he proceeds to ask me what my plans are for Saturday (before leaving that night, I had mentioned at maybe getting together with my friend on Saturday, we’ll keep in touch before then – he overheard this). I tell him I’m not sure what I’m doing yet (truth, it’s only Tuesday)
He asked if I wanted to come see him, my friend, the daughter – and left the other male out of the equation. I respond “We’ll see what happens”. He says ok and that’s it for the day.

Wednesday's text is another “Hey” – I ignore that and he gets NO RESPONSE. (I already gave him a freebie). Thursday he texts “Hey” again – I’m thinking hey what?! And I’m already getting annoyed (How do you respond to a ‘hey’? – Wasn’t it Gem who had this issue too?) I stall, try to think of how to respond, I just decided to give him a variant and I said “Hi”. The only thing he asked me next was “What’s up?” – I’m bored at this point and I had other things to do – I replied this morning instead, made him wait a little. Give him his answer to his question with my silence so he can think “Hmm, something must be ‘up’, she’s probably busy..”. I did tell him I was busy and I asked how things were. He asks what my plans are for today (Friday), and after I tell him...

Tony: Nice, I really want to see you tomorrow lol; August 23, 2013 at 11:41 PM
KK said...: That was at 2pm, I did not reply and he hasn’t said anything else (as of yet)
I did not say Saturday would be a 100% yes, it’s not even his home and not up to him if I go there or not, my friend has to invite me over first. I would not be going over there strictly just for him either – My only reason for visiting is to see my friend, her fiancé and their daughter. If he wanted to see me so bad, why not initiate something ‘outside’? – But even then, at this point, I’m not that interested.

I talked to my girlfriend tonight and she said to me “He thinks you’re not really interested in him, he told me that the other night” – I informed her “I just met him! Good grief”.

It’s almost as if she is resentful now towards me – it’s true you cannot control how someone feels about a person (can’t make a man love you or want to be with you and vice versa), it’s THEIR decision only.

I had to remind her of 'uncertainty' and if he isn't sure - it's actually a good thing, it'll make him try harder - if he's genuinely interested.

She is staying out of it for the most part, she did start at the beginning by telling him certain things about me and mentioning other men and how they 'screwed me around'.
I had to give her hell for that - You don't say those things, EVER. You don't get involved, period!. Let him be the man, and let him do the work and get to know me himself. Don't do his job!

I've already been through that before where 'friends' like to get involved. It does not work out well for anyone. I had to nip that in the bud, right away!.; August 23, 2013 at 11:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

There is this man on-line dating and I'm trying to suss him out and filter. I think he might be doing the same with me. He's asked me a couple of times what I've been doing and over the weekend (after the event) and also recently he's asked me how I'm finding it on the website. He's messaging me every few days and I'm mirroring him. He did mention about taking me out for a drink early on in the communications, he's not mentioned it again yet but it's earlyish days and I think he is trying to get a feel of what I've got going on already.

I'm don't how to respond to his question and how to play it about how I'm finding the online dating? My initial thought is to say something evasive but I'm not sure. What do you think and what do you think about him asking this question, says about him, bearing in mind where we are up to? thanks; August 25, 2013 at 4:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Also on the subject of whether to let him know how it is going on-line. I don't think I want to tell him, I want him to think I've got options but ultimately I want him to ask me for the date he mentioned earlier. When he's asked me twice what I've been doing other weekends I've just skirted round it because I don't want him to know if I've been on a date or not. He has been away in this time as well and I think he might be building up to asking me out. hmmm what to say, any ideas Mirror?

thank you; August 25, 2013 at 4:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Ms. Mirror

This post has become one of my best friends. It's Sam from Aug. 23 @ 4:48 pm.

I am more confused than I was before. After my text to him (lets call him Paul) on Friday, to end what I felt was "casual sex hookups", and he told me he understood and wished me the best. But then he text me on Sunday again, wanting to know what I was doing. I told him that I had just gotten back from a wedding on Saturday.

He text "You must be really serious with this fella!" (THIS GUY LOVES EXCLAMATION POINTS JUST LIKE GEMINI 50'S CO GUY)
I replied that my date is a nice guy and needed a date to the wedding. And that I was keeping my options open.

Paul replied: " I just figured after the no more sex thing u had something u were chasing!!! Lol"

Me: "That's where you got me wrong. I don't chase. I stopped the sex thing bc I was having deep feelings for you. I knew we weren't on the same page."

Paul: "Maybe sex was better with the other guy!! lmao"

Me: " I wouldn't know. Haven't slept with anyone, other than you."

Paul: " O u just drive all the way there for nothing!!! I think open options r a good thing!"

Paul: "It's very interesting that your going all the way to see him and he and you no ****ing. lol very interesting"

Me: " I don't hump anything that comes across me"

Paul: "Hey now I'm not saying that!!! I hope u r not thinking I am. Just think it's a little strange!! lol"

Paul: "What's your definition of keeping ur options open."

Me: "Waiting for the right guy, which I thought was you, to be in a relationship."

Paul: "U don't like unattached sex"

Me: " Base on your question, I assume you like unattached sex. No, I don't like unattached sex."

Paul: " Lol well I wouldn't push someone in the corner over unattached sex."

Me: "Thats y ur a man"

Paul: "Lol. o come on!!! Your not horny??"

No answer from me

Paul: " Ok lets have sex!!!"

No answer from me

Paul: " Lol I understand gal.

WTH. Obviously there's 3 things going on here. I'm his rotation or he has no one else to have sex with and that's why he's asking again, or he's testing me if I'm girlfriend worthy. It's more likely the first two.

Mirror, I have never encountered such behavior. I thought I made it clear to him that I didn't want and ended the "casual sex hookups". What is up with this guy? Obviously, he is testing/toying with me. What is your take on this? Thanks!; August 26, 2013 at 12:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 26, 12:33PM,
"I just figured after the no more sex thing u had something u were chasing"

Yes, because all of these feminine fruit loop types of men nowadays (who want to be courted like women) think women MUST be CHASING someone - instead of them just manning up and - being a MAN. Sigh. . .

"O u just drive all the way there for nothing!!! I think open options r a good thing!"

He just gave away that he does nothing with an agenda (something in it for him), so he assumes that's what everyone does. This guy is an ass.

"It's very interesting that your going all the way to see him and he and you no ****ing. lol very interesting"

An ignorant, arrogant, cocky asshole.

"What is your take on this?"

He thinks he's some kind of real joker, Mr. Comedy here. This is all a big joke to him, he takes none of it seriously. He's a total flake.

He appears emotionally void to me and he reminds me of a "Mimbo" - a male bimbo. He's clearly seeking a casual sex arrangement and believes that if he remains persistent with you, he can manipulate you to change your mind.

He's a player seeking a hookup - but he's one that doesn't have as many "options" as he'd like for you to believe. And apparently, he's jealous of YOUR OPTIONS (most of the players get like that when they realize that the reality is that women have MANY more options than most men do. A woman can literally announce she's "in the mood," snap her fingers and men line up at the door, LOL ;-)

He's insulting, he appears to be a mimbo and he comes off like a total flake. He's not relationship material at all unfortunately, dear :-(; August 26, 2013 at 1:43 PM
chk61 said...: Ugh, two weeks of no contact...and holding strong. Last contact was on 8/11 when I inadvertently dialed his number on my cell after 11:00PM (we never talk on the phone!) when I was trying to dial another number, my phone was apparently in texting mode and somehow dialed his number! I was mortified when I heard his voicemail and hung up. About 20 minutes later I sent a text saying: "oops, sorry that was a misdial! ;-)" and he responded about 20 minutes later that he had just arrived at his folks that day (out of state) with his kids and would be gone until early September.

I did not reply to that text because a) he did not seem to want a reply b) I last saw him 7/20, I went on a vacation that he knew about in advance, I emailed him on 8/04 when I got back, he replied and seemed interested in hearing about my trip, but when I accidentally texted him, I learn he has gone away for 3 weeks with no advance notice. And some will think he is lying but I know for a fact he is at his folks' house with his kids, he can work remotely with a laptop. Bottom line: he was willing to go away without attempting to see me which means a full 5, actually close to 6 weeks of not seeing each other.

I also know that a man with two prepubescent children will be quite busy preparing to go out of town with them for 3 weeks but if he really wanted to keep me in the loop, he could have dashed off a quick email or text. He did not.

So I've been resisting the urge to send out a feeler but he's an adult, if he wanted to contact me, would he not email/text or (gasp) call (he definitely will NOT call)? And I'm sad to say, the first time we "consummated" was the last time I saw him on 7/20, this late 40's, divorced father of two.

I know, I know...it's not looking good and I'm not going to contact him. Chalk another one up I guess. Does this stuff ever end? I'm just feeling sad and felt the need to vent. :-(; August 26, 2013 at 3:08 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Chk 61
Aw, girl, I feel for you. But be strong. You deserve better than how this man is treating you.

@All
A while ago, Ms. Mirror had explained we are tested to see if we have learned specific lessons before the next good thing comes our way.

Here’s the latest w/CO: He hasn’t asked me out for a 2nd date. He was still texting last week the same type of behavior with a daily good morning text, a couple nights he sent texts at night, and I just simply mirrored him.

Then Friday AM, he tells me he is, “Out east getting bloodwork done.”

Me> Hope all is well.

CO> Follow up

I feel as though he is looking for me to ask him what it’s about, but I don’t want to. I decide to just be positive.

Me> Hope it’s good!

CO> Thanks

I didn’t ask what’s wrong or what it’s about, because 1. If he wanted me to know, he’d have told me. 2. I don’t need to know. 3. I don’t want to know.

My daughter flew in on Friday for the weekend, so I was very busy with her and our annual “(daughter) is home summer open house/bonfire.”

I didn’t tell CO my daughter was coming and I don’t hear from him all weekend. No texts Saturday or Sunday morning, nothing during the day until Sunday 6:24 PM.

CO> Hello!!! Tough weekend, sorry.

Now, I’m feeling like he’s putting bait out for me to ask him what’s going on, etc. It feels like another attempt to get me to chase him, or to infuse some drama. But I’m not biting.

I responded to CO after my daughter left to go out w/friends.

Me 8:47PM> Hi CO. Are u ok?

I received nothing back last night, and nothing back today.

Over the weekend, I figured he determined I was not going to be “easy” for him, so he was moving on. His Sunday night text was not expected. I hope he’s ok, and there is nothing wrong. I just have this familiar feeling that it is an attempt at emotional manipulation which I’m not going to engage in.

-Continued; August 26, 2013 at 6:53 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued 2 of 2

So, this weekend, I had several more tests w/men.

A 55 yr old male friend I’ve known over 20 yrs (lives in DC) calls and starts hitting on me crazy. It was gross. He had just told me he was juggling 2 women, blaa, blaa, blaa. All I could think was, “What a scab.” Now, this is a guy who I set up w/my gf during the holidays. He’s talking himself up so much with me Saturday on how great it would be with him, yet my gf told me a couple weeks ago that when they went out he told her he didn’t want to disappoint her because he was a “minnow.” (OMG! WTH do you say to that???) She had no intention to (and didn’t) sleep with him anyway.

A 47 yr old male friend I’ve known over 10 yrs (lives in town) is over for my daughter’s party, tells me he has two women he’s handling right now, then the 2 go to 4, and then he starts hitting on me like crazy. I have absolutely no interest – and never would have an interest. Just gross. Another scab.

A 29-yr old NEW friend of my daughters, but he is part of the crew who come over when my daughter is home) hits on me… honest. I couldn’t believe it either. And the funny thing is I really like this kid, I can see by talking with him and watching his behavior that he is a good (young) man. After he told me that his last girlfriend was 42, I could feel myself considering it, but I walked away (thinking about him to myself – And to be honest, I’m still thinking about him, but not going to do it.)

Then last night another one of my daughter’s guy friends comes over to pick her up and he’s a great young man. He’s a big Guy, who has finally come into his own physically (he was always very mature). And consider, I think of all of these kids like they are kids… the familiar ones still call me mom just as they did when they were younger.

So, last night, big Guy comes over and I immediately feel him zero’ing in on me as soon as he walks in. He asks me directly, “So what’s new with you?” I kept it casual responding that we had enjoyed the weekend with everyone over the night before, and just working, etc.

But I can see he is really focused on me, and he says, “So, where did you go when I saw you out that one time?”

Last January, I decided to go out by myself (for the first time) to a bar to listen to a young woman sing who Scorpio has introduced me to. I felt it would be safe, her bandmates have seen me, and I knew if I had any trouble, they’d pay attention. Scorpio is a friend of her parents, and has told me he is part of their family, has holiday dinners with them, etc.

I explained to big Guy that I just wanted to go out and listen to the singer, but it was obvious that there was a party going on within her group, which was ok. But after 45 minutes and only two songs, I decided to leave. He accepts that but it seems to me there is something more coming, and it did.

Big Guy says pointedly, “So, WHO is person you know from her family?”

I was a little taken aback, but I responded with Scorpio’s first name—and my daughter is now aware something is going on. She jumps in a little saying where Scorpio works, and then I shared Scorpio’s last name.

Big Guy says > That doesn’t sound familiar to me. I don’t think he’s part of the group that goes to see her play.

The whole thing was kind of odd. As fast as his questions started, the questions ended, and they were out the door.

And, it made me pause, because it's been a month since Scorpio and I last text and he was to come over but cancelled. I have been missing him, but I keep reminding myself of the "I don't want to hurt you" in my attempt to move on.

This morning, when taking my daughter to the airport, she said that big Guy has started to get involved with the singer, and he wasn’t at the bonfire the night before because he was with the family at an event.

I just listened, and we said nothing about Scorpio.

I feel like these men’s words this weekend have been a test.; August 26, 2013 at 7:01 PM
SassyBrunette said...: UPDATE: HE HAS RE-APPEARED

I just wanted to come back and report that MOA was right once again! A man who I didn’t think I’d ever hear from again has contacted me after I went hard-core No Contact.

On December 18 last year I shared my situation in a post on this thread. I won’t re-hash the details, you can go back and read my post for background. It’s the same old story about a man suddenly pulling the disappearing act. I was heartbroken, but I cut him off completely. I deleted him (and his friend) from my Facebook contacts immediately, I did not call, I did not text, and I have made it a point to avoid being anyplace where there was a chance I’d run into him. Eventually I accepted the fact I would probably never hear from him again.

I have a very sensitive gut, and the past couple of months, I’ve been feeling a change in the wind, like something might be up. I kept having this strong feeling that “he’s thinking about me”.

His friends always liked me and always told me what a “cool chick” I am. I started feeling his friends were telling him, “You should call her.”

Sure enough, several weeks ago his friend (whom I had deleted from Facebook when I deleted Mr. Disappearance) tried to re-add me as a friend (I didn’t accept). I know he had to go out of his way to send me a Friend request, because you can’t find me on Facebook if you do a search; the only way to find me is by creeping my sister’s or another friend’s page.

Then about a week ago, I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize. When it slowly dawned on me who it was, I was absolutely stunned. I truly was. Then I got a grip, and 12 hours later replied with:

ME: “Who is this?”
HIM: “[his first name and last name]”
ME: “Hey”
HIM: “How have you been? What have you been up to?”
ME: “New job. New home. New life.”

And that was it.

It messed me up for a few days, stirring up some old (bad) feelings, but now I feel clear-headed and stronger again. What surprises me now is that I have absolutely NO DESIRE for any continued contact with him.

I hope I was sufficiently vague and cool in my text replies. I probably shouldn’t have replied at all.

My gut is telling me that I will hear from him again. And I doubt I will reply to him in the future, unless it is apparent he wants to sincerely apologize. But I think that's pretty doubtful.

So to everyone reading this – Mirror is right! Her advice is spot on. They DO come back if you do No Contact, but when they come back you won’t want them anymore!

Thank you MOA for reading my story last winter and offering your advice.; August 27, 2013 at 12:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 25, 4:36PM,
I have found that when men ask that question about dating online, ask how you're feeling about it, that most times - the man isn't having success and/or enjoying it. (He's probably getting gamed a lot himself there.)

It's also a question that gives them a peek into the success that you're having there yourself. Basically, wanting to know how many "options" you've found there. And I have also found that many men who have traditional, old fashioned values - don't like dating online and ask that question because they want to know if you do. It's a way for them to see if you are okay with the new technology, or if you prefer the old fashioned way of doing things.

So there are/can be several reasons for a question like that.

I would tell him that while you prefer meeting people organically (naturally), you are making friends there and meeting people, so it is good for socializing.

And then leave it at that and see where he takes it.; August 27, 2013 at 8:49 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Mirror, @Anonymous August 25, 4:36PM here.

My gut is telling me he is sussing out if I have options. He is contacting me every few days at the mo, however, as I've mirrored him he has messaged me again before I have got back to him ( a day and a bit and just general enquiry about me).

I get the feeling he might be put off if I've got options, so I don't want to put him off although that's what women are supposed to do to have a better experience. On the other hand even though every few days is alright contacting me but the fact that I've had to Mirror for three days and watch my back just in case that he's not genuine then I want him to think that I have got options. I think he does like me and wants to go on a date but he is a bit unsure and trying to find out about what's going on before he takes the plunge.

So there is the dilemma, so I'm kind of wondering still what to reply - your response sounds good do you think it is still ok given the above info about his poss intentions?

I feel a bit uncomfortable what to say and I'm wondering whether to just say something a bit jokey and not let him know either way whether I've got options or not. That way he has to make a decision whether to ask me out purely on what he wants to do rather than be influenced by what may or may not be going on for me.

What do you think Mirror?

Thank you; August 27, 2013 at 9:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Also, Mirror I forgot to add... Previously he mentioned about whether I was on FB while he was away and he was going to post some photos - he was on a sporting holiday. I'm not on FB so he said it was ok. When he got back I asked him about if he was a good sportsman and he mentioned that he was was going to send a video clip but couldn't on the on-line dating.

It maybe all entirely innocent but I'm suspicious in general as I've had a few men who have falsely portrayed being up for a date only to find they disappear.

So he hasn't made a big deal about it and it might be a genuine attempt to extend communications outside of the on-line dating world but until he asks me for a date and follows through with a arrangements then I cannot give him any access to me other than on-line.

It is not for me to push for the date and I think he is building up to it but it seems important to him what I'm up to and what I think of it on that website.

The website does seem to have a bad reputation from men and women maybe because it is free it attracts allsorts, so maybe he is just being cautious himself.

Thank you; August 27, 2013 at 10:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 25, 4:36PM,
The reality dear is that we all have options constantly - so why try to create a false illusion otherwise? Because the reality here is that he's a bit insecure (afraid to proceed unless he's guaranteed a sure thing.) And once you give your power away to an insecure man and he thinks he's got you in the bag, he thinks he's got a sure thing - many times regretfully, the games begin.

A confident, genuinely interested man will proceed, even in the face of existing options. Lazy, insecure players seeking an "easy" fix - demand a sure thing. And this man's signaling to you that he's seeking an easy sure thing here, that he needs to see it that way to proceed. And honestly, that's a red flag dear.

My suggestion would be to not give in and signal yourself as an easy "sure thing" that doesn't have any other options. Because if you do that, he may begin to play games, feeling he's got the upper hand - and a desperate woman on the line.; August 27, 2013 at 3:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 25, 4:36PM,
"because it is free it attracts all sorts"

I'll be honest dear, those free sites are the WORST. They are chalk full of lazy men seeking free and easy sex, barely lifting a finger to receive it. Basically, they're notorious "hookup" sites, because people that are genuinely seeking a relationship and not a hookup - are serious about it.

And when they're serious about it - they pay for that service. So be VERY careful on those free dating sites as they're full of opportunists. (Plenty O'Fish is the WORST!); August 27, 2013 at 3:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,@Anonymous August 25, 4:36PM,

Thanks for the warning I did reply to him with something similar to what you suggested. He proceeded to mention about a date, so we will see...
I know what you mean about the free websites. It was not an easy decision to go on there as I had the same view as yourself. I've got an older friend who persuaded me and told me her daughter in law was on it and going on lots of nice dates.

Basically I have been on payed website before and explored others and there were not a lot of options in my area and many people want to stick with people from their own area ish. To the point whereby I wasted a lot of money and didn't even get on one date!! Where my aim was to go on lots of dates, instead what happened is a met a man who lived at a distance and over a period of time he led me to believe that he was happy to travel to meet me, he then disappeared.

So I'm on the free one as there are lots in my area, hmmm lots of undesirables too, most I don't reply to and do not contact me but the more sophisticated players have done.

I have been on some dates with genuine blokes though, so I just hope this one turns out to be. I know two people that have got married off there too.

I do take your point though, I am aware of it myself, I'm on there for practical reasons really as the others have not worked so not really by first choice.

So fingers crossed...; August 27, 2013 at 4:11 PM
VirgoPal said...: Hey Mirror-

I need advice again. So a few months ago I went out with a guy from a dating auction. It didn't work out because 1. I wasn't over my reappearing disappearing man. 2. He nearly stood me up when he failed to inform me that he couldn't make a date until the Sunday after because he "lost" his phone. 3. I wasn't seriously interested in him at the time. 4. He was clearly not over his ex, and he made a lot of derogatory statements about other girls, including his ex, during our one date we did share. I told him we can be friends, but I wasn't interested in pursuing anything romantic because of the above reasons.

Months past and just this past week he asked ME if we could be friends. I said sure why not? So tonight we agreed to meet up on Saturday. He asked me until what time will he have me on Saturday..I said "we shall see how it goes." Then he said, "okay...Let's say 5 am.lol.."

Like seriously...I interpreted this as someone thinking he was going to get laid, hence, I am canceling the date. Not because it is wrong for him to feel that way, but it was totally disrespectful, in my opinion, to even suggest that I was a potential candidate to just sleep with someone I barely know. Like what else are two people doing out together at 5 am when the clubs/restaurants close at 2.

The last few months I have been working on instilling boundaries, and I think this is a clear violation of someone thinking they will get laid after not talking to me for months. Or maybe I am hypersensitive after my previous encounter with an emotional deranged guy?

What do you ladies think?; August 28, 2013 at 11:06 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Hello Miss Mirror and ladies (and gentlemen),

I found this site two weeks ago and since then have been reading through all the comments on this article from the beginning. I’m only up to March 28th, 2013, so I have a lot more to read, but I am feeling the need to reach out for advice today. Mirror, I’m amazed at your insight, and all of the advice you give makes SO MUCH SENSE! I’m also loving the stories and advice from all the regulars on here. Wow! I feel like my outlook has changed dramatically over the last two weeks, and I’m very grateful to you for that. Thank you! I would truly appreciate your input on my situation. Sorry this is long… I wanted to give you a good idea of our situation.

Me
Sun: Libra
Moon: Libra
Venus: Libra
Age: 38

Him
Sun: Virgo
Moon: Gemini
Venus: Libra
Age: 28

That’s all I know as far as our astrology is concerned. We met almost two years ago at a mutual friends’ party. We hit it off immediately and from the time we were introduced, we spent the rest of the evening together, drinking, dancing, talking, kissing. It felt wonderful. Later in the night, he revealed that he had just started seeing someone and apologized for his behavior with me. Obviously I was disappointed! He had met her a month prior when she was in town for a wedding, and she was planning to move to our city but hadn’t yet. He had just asked her to “date” him the day before the party. After that we went our separate ways at the party, but we both ended up spending the night there and shared the loveseat (so we were lying together but no more kissing). I gave him a ride home around 5:30 am because he lived a mile from me at the time and had ridden his bike. He asked me to come in and said nothing physical would happen, but I refused. When we parted, he said, “This may sound strange considering everything, but I hope we meet again.”

We saw each other 6 months later at another friends’ mutual birthday outing. There were about 20 people there, and he was there with his girlfriend who had moved here. We made small talk a couple of times throughout the evening, and the attraction was definitely still there. He hugged me when he left. I friended him on FB after that night because honestly, I didn’t want to lose track of this guy!

There was no further contact until 7 months later when he messaged me happy birthday on FB. I responded with a happy belated birthday as his was a month prior to mine and I hadn’t acknowledged it.

Then another 7 months later, he liked a comment I posted on FB (neither of us had ever liked each other’s comments). Also neither of us are big FB users, although he does more than I do. Of course, then I started thinking about him, so I started watching his comments and looking for one I could like and 3 weeks later, I liked a comment of his. Later that day, he messaged me on FB. We chatted a bit and then he asked me if I wanted to get together. At this time, we hadn’t seen each other for 15 months. So we started texting and he wanted to see me that weekend but our schedules didn’t work out, so we made plans to have brunch a week later. In the meantime, he was texting me A LOT! I loved it!

Cont…; August 29, 2013 at 5:58 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Cont…

I ended up having a free night during the week before that Saturday so I asked him spur of the moment if he wanted to meet up for a drink, and he jumped on it. I realize now that was a mistake (me initiating). So we met up and it was wonderful. The attraction was still very strong between us. We went to a couple of places and had drinks. I learned that he’d only been single for about 3 weeks and while things hadn’t been going well with them for a long time (I’d heard this about 6 months prior from a mutual friend), she ended it. I asked him if he would have contacted me if I hadn’t liked his comment on FB. He thought for a moment and said “I don’t know. I hesitated contacting you because I’m not saying you and I will go ‘there’, but if we do, I wouldn’t want you to be a rebound.” He later told me that maybe his last girlfriend was the rebound because he’d only been single 4 months when they started dating. Prior to that, he was engaged to his girlfriend of 2.5 years and she broke up with him after cheating on him.

We went back to his place and talked and made out until 3 am. I slept there but we did nothing more than making out. I realize now I shouldn’t have spent the night, but I was going with my feelings and enjoying his company so much. I left the next morning and he continued texting me a lot for the next few days until our date on Saturday. We went to brunch and he then suggested walking around downtown (where he lives) and window shopping, then going to a movie. He had told me earlier that he wanted to spend the day with me, and I loved how he planned it. It was a wonderful day. We talked and kissed and held hands. He’s very affectionate. We spent about 7 hours together, then I had dinner plans and he had plans to meet with friends. He texted me while I was at dinner and asked me if I wanted to come back and spend the night with him. Of course I did! Again, more talking and making out until very late.

4 days later, he was leaving for Europe for work for 8 days, so we hadn’t planned to see each other again until he got back, but he asked me if I wanted to spend the night with him the night before he left and of course I said yes. Keep in mind this was before I found your site and learned about pacing things and not being too available. Again, no sex, just lots of making out. He’s always very respectful of how far I want to go physically. I told him that night that I wasn’t into casual sex. He said he respected that. He said we probably wouldn’t get to talk much while he was in Europe, just FB messaging. I was fine with that and didn’t expect to hear from him at all until he got back. In fact I even thought to myself that it would be a nice little break for us because we had been texting SO much.

However, he messaged me the very next day and every day while he was gone. Sometimes we messaged for hours at a time. One night, we were messaging while I was at a costume party, and he asked me to post a picture of my costume so I did. He said I looked great, and I always looked great, and he was being incredibly sweet and complimentary. I was drinking, and I was buzzed, and I could feel myself really starting to like him. I said, “You better not be playing me.” He said it would be pretty weird to spend all this time talking to me just to be playing me. I immediately regretted what I said, even before he responded. Our conversation ended shortly after because he was going out, but he asked me the next day if I meant what I had said. I told him no, and I apologized. He said it did bring things up that we hadn’t talked about, like expectations, and that we could talk when he got back. He said he liked me very much but invariably, he had stuff he needed to work out. Keep in mind, he’d only been single for about 5 weeks at this point, a fact that I was very wary of. I was a little crushed by his comments and assumed it was over. But he continued talking like nothing had changed! Still as sweet and charming as ever (and he’s very sweet and charming).

Cont…; August 29, 2013 at 5:58 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Cont…

The next day he was telling me how much he wanted to see me when he got back and asked about doing something during the day on the 4th of July (the day after he got back). He mentioned that he had other tentative plans so it wasn’t for sure. Then I didn’t hear from him all day on the 4th and I was feeling unhappy and insecure about it. I went to my BBQ, and he went to his. He texted me around 6 pm and we made small talk throughout the night, and eventually he asked if I wanted to come over. I wanted to see him but I shouldn’t have gone there feeling the way I was. It was late when I got there, and we had our usual making out and talking, but I know he must have sensed some of what I was feeling. Nothing was said by either of us, but I was sensing my own feelings, so I’m sure he picked up on it. This time the making out went a little further (hands under clothes), but no sex.

I left the next morning and didn’t hear from him for three days. I was so disappointed and thought it was over. When he did text me 3 days later, he wasn’t as enthusiastic. Something had changed. I know what you’re going to say. I’m the one that changed, and you’re right. Like I said, he probably sensed my insecurity that night. Over the next 2 weeks, we hardly talked. We both initiated texts a couple of times, but he was distant. I didn’t push too hard and after the last text I sent, he waited 24 hours to reply. I told myself no more. I don’t like feeling rejected. Then I didn’t hear from him for 6 days (the longest period of not talking at that point). I know now from you that 6 days is nothing, but it felt like forever! Also, after all of his initial attention, it felt bad.

During this time of distance, I started googling “when a man pulls away”, but I didn’t find your site yet. I learned about the rubberband theory and the male intimacy cycle. It was eye opening! So while I didn’t really think I would hear from him again, I still read a lot about it. I read that a woman shouldn’t be emotional or mad when a man does this because it’s normal. So I made up my mind that if I did hear back from him, I wouldn’t freak out or reject him. Before I probably would have immediately tried to “talk” about it.

Then I went to my high school reunion and posted a bunch of great pictures on FB, including several with men. A day later, he texted me to ask me about my “family” reunion because I had mentioned I was busy getting ready for my reunion. I told him it was my HS reunion (I know he saw those pictures and was playing dumb). This was after not hearing from him for those 6 days, and silly me, I responded immediately! I still hadn’t found your site, and I was trying to play it cool. He seemed more like his old self, and we had a good conversation.

Then he texted me a few days later and asked when he could see me. We saw each other for brunch a few days later and spent the day together again. We went to the park and walked around and sat down and talked. He asked me if I wanted kids (I do), and he told me he did too. He talked a lot about kids. For example, that his friends think they’re all misbehaved and wild, but he doesn’t feel that way, it’s all about upbringing. He mentioned that his parents tell him that they already had him by the time he was their age, and they’re not shy about telling him they want grandchildren. He said several times that he likes kids, and he was all smiles when he was talking about them.

Cont…; August 29, 2013 at 5:58 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Cont…

He told me about a girlfriend he’d had when he was 19 who had a daughter. He raised that little girl from the age of 1 to 5 when he and the girlfriend broke up, and he still carries a picture of the little girl in his wallet! He also mentioned that priorities change when you have kids. I wondered exactly what he meant by this (good or bad?). He has a very active social life with friends. We both agreed that the timing hadn’t been right for each of us to have kids yet. We spent the rest of the day together, and it felt like before, wonderful! Also I was happy that we seemed to be on the same page about “life” things.

Later that day we were at his apartment making out (again!) and he asked me what the deciding factor was for me to have sex. I said “Well, I told you I’m not into casual sex.” Then I said “How do I word this? Who knows if you and I are going anywhere or not, but if not, it would be casual, right?” He agreed. I told him I’d tried that before and it didn’t work. Then I said “You know, we never had that conversation, and maybe it’s not even necessary now. I know you’re going through some stuff right now… but I’m not.” He laughed pretty hard at that. I said “I have no expectations, but you shouldn’t either.” He asked what I meant, and I said “In the bedroom.”

A little later he said “Well it’s been a while, and I’m doing better now.” I said “That’s good, I’m glad for you.” He said “I just enjoy spending time with you.” And I said “I enjoy spending time with you too.”

We had seen each other 4 times at this point, so my friends (and a so called relationship expert I was listening to on CD) thought that I should initiate our next date so I asked him if he wanted to have a picnic the following weekend. He mentioned that he was free that night but said that Sunday should work for the picnic. I told him I had happy hour that night, but then of course I went over there afterwards, but I didn’t spend the night.

I didn’t hear much from him for the next few days, and now I know why (because I was initiating, ugh!). We went on the picnic and had another wonderful date. He asked me what I wanted in life and if I was where I thought I would be. I told him I wanted to travel, find someone special and eventually have a family. I answered that I wasn’t where I thought I would be because I had planned to be married and have kids by now. I actually was briefly married but divorced 2.5 years ago. He said he had planned to be married by now (previously engaged) and starting a family by the time he was 30. I realize now after reading your advice that I should have been more vague in my answers. Lesson learned! At the time, I thought it was just wonderful that he was being so open to discussing life matters, and he was bringing them up! He even told me that his mom would like me. Aww!

I don’t know if this is significant but I will mention here that he doesn’t have a car. He lives in a very urban part of downtown where having a car doesn’t make sense. I used to live there and didn’t have a car then either. He relocated from across the country to my city about 2.5 years ago and left his car with his parents. We have an excellent public transit system in our city, and he uses that and rides his bike. So I always go downtown or close to downtown to meet him. I live about 25 minutes away in a horrible suburb that I dislike, and I have no desire to hang out where I live. It’s the same with my friends as well. We always meet downtown and never spend time in the suburb where I live. So he said at the end of the picnic date that he feels bad that I’m always the one driving, and like he’s a loser for not having a car (although we’ve talked about his not needing a car right now). I told him I didn’t mind the driving, and it didn’t make sense for him to have a car. After I found your site, I thought about how I always go to him, and he doesn’t come to me, but again, I don’t want to spend time where I live.

Cont…; August 29, 2013 at 5:59 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Cont…

He texted me the day after the picnic to thank me. We texted the next couple of days (once him initiating and once me), then I went over there one night after wine tasting with my friends. The making out was very intense that night. We went further than before (lots of touching under clothes) but no sex. It was really hard not to stop, but I won’t compromise on that (and he didn’t ask me to). He wanted me to spend the night but I didn’t. He texted me the next day and told me how amazing the night had been and how glad he was that I came over. He didn’t try to make any plans with me for that weekend (disappointing) but he texted me on Saturday and asked me to come over on my way to my friend’s BBQ, so I stopped by for an hour and we chatted and kissed. Nothing monumental. I initiated texting the next day, and he was distant, waiting long periods to respond. He texted me the following day, but he was still distant and slow in his responses.

Then I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks! I didn’t contact him during that time. I started researching again, and a few days into the 2 weeks, I found your site, and my life changed!!! 

Exactly 2 weeks later, he texted me “Where’ve you been?” Really, where have I been?

That was 3 days ago, and I haven’t responded.

I don’t think my story is so very different from many others I’ve seen on here, except for one thing. He was only single for 3 weeks when we started seeing each other, and as of right now, he’s only been single for 3 months (after a 20 month relationship).

We saw each other 9 times over a period of 2 months, but during that time, we went 3 weeks without seeing each other. Also, I now realize that only 4 of those were “real” dates as you classify them, and I initiated 2 of them. So after reading your site for the last 2 weeks, I see that I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve done some things right too (like no sex and not initiating the talk).

I wouldn’t be surprised if there are other girls in the picture because that’s what my gut is telling me. I have nothing to support that. But we’ve had no talk of being exclusive or where this was going. My gut told me not to go there, even before finding your site. All the important “talks” we’ve had, I’ve written here, so really nothing has gotten emotional or out of control or deep on that level.

I don’t know that 30 days of no contact would be appropriate because while he’s become distant, he hasn’t done anything “wrong”. And if 1 week is nothing to a man, what is 2 weeks? We aren’t in a relationship, and I don’t know if he’s even ready for one or if he’s still working through his breakup. He definitely seems like a relationship person because he’s had several long ones and was ready to get married before. And I have no desire to ask him for a relationship because I would want him to initiate that only if he wants it and when he’s ready.

I really like him and would love for things to progress with him. He’s clearly lost some interest. I only hope he hasn’t lost so much interest that he now only considers me part of a rotation. Also, our sign signs don’t seem compatible, but our moon and venus signs seem very compatible! Should I put some faith in that?

As part of mirroring, I’ve seen you mention 3 days or 1 week, but if I were to truly mirror his behavior here, I wouldn’t respond for 2 weeks. It seems a little silly to even respond after 2 weeks.

By the way, I’ve been on a dating website since the 6 days of not talking, and have been on 2 dates recently. I have no interest in anyone who’s contacted me through the dating site, but I am forcing myself to talk to some of them and will probably have a second date with one of the men I recently went out with. I also have a busy social life with my friends, so I’m not just sitting around pining over him, but I do like him very much!

What is your opinion Miss Mirror? Thank you in advance from the bottom of my heart!!!

Three Times a Libra; August 29, 2013 at 6:00 PM
Gemini 50 said...: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judy-katz/online-dating_b_3790443.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl28%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D365710

@ All... this link is a great article from a woman writing about when to disclose things about yourself when dating.

The best part is at the end... about being REAL! I'm getting that book in hardcopy :)

{HUGS}; August 30, 2013 at 4:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Three Times a Libra,
Well dear, he was honest with you early on that he didn't want to jump back into a relationship. So his words are in line with his actions here.

The real question is not about him though. The real question you should be asking yourself is, are you okay with casually dating him? Because that's what he said he wants and that's what he's doing here - but you are having trouble with that. So you need to ask yourself if this is healthy for you.

Because while he's doing what he said he intended to do - you are now expecting more. He's keeping things casual, he's keeping communication casual and he's keeping dating casual with you. But now, you are expecting more. You are expecting "relationship" communication (constant contact) and you are expecting "relationship" dating (regularly seeing each other).

So the question is about him. The real question here is, are YOU okay with casually dating him?

You're not going to change him. You can't make someone love you or want to be with you. The only thing you can control is yourself and your reactions. Given that, you should be asking yourself, what are YOU going to do about this, ya' know?

He's happy casually dating and communicating with you, which is what he made clear early on. But he also knew women develop certain "expectations" after sex. It was your decision to have sex with him - and that doesn't guarantee a relationship dear. He didn't pressure you for this, this was your decision. And I imagine that he doesn't consider this strictly "causal" anymore, but on the same token, he's not in a "relationship" right now with you either. He's not telling you he loves you and he's not asking you for a commitment. He is taking you more seriously that casual, but he's not at "commitment" yet either. And you need to realize that when you tell men you're not into casual sex, but then you have sex with them prior to them asking for a commitment or expressing feelings for you - that that was YOUR decision to proceed in that manner, ya' know?

Because the reality is that it is somewhat casual, until someone mutters, "I love you." And sex doesn't guarantee a relationship. The only thing that guarantees a relationship is request for commitment (agreement not to date others) and the expression of feelings (love).

So my suggestion would be, rather than focusing on HIM right now and trying to figure out where HIS mind is at. . .the real issue requires focusing on YOURSELF right now and where YOUR mind is at - and then deciding if you can do this and if this is healthy for you.

If you don't think you can do this, then you need to pull back to protect yourself and see if that draws him towards you. If it doesn't, then you've gotten out before serious damage was experienced. And if he draws closer to you as a result, let HIM guide the direction of the relationship, let HIM pursue YOU and let HIM lead - and then you OBSERVE his ACTIONS, and proceed accordingly - keeping YOUR wishes and desires in mind.

You can't project your wishes and desires onto others - but you can control how much of yourself you give to them - in exchange for the attention and time they are giving to you, ya' know?; August 30, 2013 at 8:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Can I just ask you on your opinion of going back to a guys house,staying over but not having sex - how do you think this is viewed from a guy's perspective do they think you're ok coz you've not had sex with them or does it still devalue you in their eyes the fact that you've gone back there?

I mean this could be the first time you've met them, first date or in the early stages of dating say first few dates or so.

Also, what about going back to a guys house after the date but not even staying but just having a few drinks or so and then leaving?

I've had these situations a lot in the past and I tend to like continuing the night (and I do this a lot with girlfriends too) and hate cutting the night short but I don't want to be signalling and giving the wrong impression because especially when you've had a drink you tend to get carried away and lose your discretion a bit in how to behave (loosen up).

I've got a first date coming up and before I even get on it I can sense that he might be quite gregarious like me and like partying, so it would be helpful if I could just get a viewpoint about this so I can be mindful before the event and it is possible that were going out in the city and he's right on the doorstep.

Thank you; August 30, 2013 at 11:40 AM
Pisces Girl said...: Mirror your advice really does work!**update** football player came back around and text me last night in the evening- he was actually trying to once again make a last minute request for me to go over and chill (SMH) and i was pissed off and finally told him unless he mans up and thinks of a real date plan and learns some damn manners than he wont be seeing me EVER and i will continue to brush him off as i have been. He insisted he just wants to talk and get to know me better he even mentioned burning incense, listening to music and watching a movie and he was right that we are both busy during the day..BUT because of you i know better than that now and told him i deserve a real date-which involves him asking me out in advance and inviting me for dinner at the very least-it felt so good and empowering -he text me again early this morning asking me if id like to get together with him when im done work and even though hes requesting in advance and at an earlier time its still the same day so im going to have to decline and he was asking me what i would like to do instead of thinking of something himself.. i think he may be used to easy women who dont expect much from him but i want him to see that im different and hopefully hes up for the challenge -if not then i really have no problem telling him where to go- im not not afraid of losing him since ive never had him so thanks again really wish i came across this site years ago..; August 30, 2013 at 12:23 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Hi Miss Mirror,

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for your feedback! You rock!

To clarify, we have NOT had sex.

To answer your question, I’m not okay with casually dating him long term. Eventually, I will want a relationship, or I will have to move on if he never expresses that desire, and I realize there are no guarantees. I will continue to see him if he seeks me out again, but I will try to work on managing my expectations. It’s a really difficult balance for me, but I want to explore where this might go.

To be honest, I’ve been hoping that as time has passed and he’s gotten further from his breakup, that his feelings have grown deeper for me and he’s started thinking about a relationship with me. There are my expectations again!

What you're saying about not projecting my wishes and desires onto others and controlling how much of myself I give makes perfect sense. Thank you for making it so clear. You have a wonderful way with words!

I will follow your advice and pull back. I didn't contact him during the two weeks he was silent, and I haven't responded to his "Where've you been?" text from 4 days ago. I’m more than ready to approach this differently and let him guide, pursue and lead.

So because he’s only casually dating me, does mirroring apply here? Would you recommend that I wait two weeks to respond to his text? Or should I not respond at all and simply wait for further contact and go from there?

Thank you and have a lovely Friday!; August 30, 2013 at 2:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 30, 11:40AM,
Regarding going back to the guys place, I really don't advocate doing that - but not because of the guy necessarily, but because of the pressure cooker that it puts the woman into.

Because the reality is, in "man speak" many (not all but MANY) men believe that's "guy speak" for "wanna' come back to my place and fool around?" Even though they don't say that outright, the reality is that that's pretty much what they EXPECT to happen.

So when the guy's kind of expecting this secretly and he believes the woman understands this is code for "fool around" - and she agrees, then many men (not all, but many) assume that's exactly what's going to happen. And when the woman refuses, she's labeled a tease or a bitch - or they simply take to hammering on the woman incessantly attempting to cajole her into their expectations for the evening and/or feeding her more alcohol in the hopes her inhibitions will drop.

It amounts to such a tricky "dance" of sorts that frankly, the easiest thing to do is just avoid it period. There's plenty of time for things like that, there's no rush when getting to know one another, and there are so many after hours clubs, restaurants, etc. that are viable options to continue the evening that accompanying a man back to his place to do that honestly really isn't even necessary.; August 30, 2013 at 3:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Three Times a Libra,
Yes, mirroring applies in casual dating, that's how a woman is able to control and maintain a fair and equal balance (how she "holds her own" basically) when dating and doesn't get run over and left for dead.

In his case, since he's not really yanking your chains and/or treating you poorly, you don't have to go the full two weeks, however, I'd definitely take several days at the minimum. The point is to not look to eager and "jump" on his calls and texts, signaling to him that you're waiting by the phone for him, ya' know?

You want to lead a full life of your own when dating, rather than revolving your life around a man. So don't delay making plans of your own because you're waiting for him, etc. Keep up with your own life basically and this will signal to him that he needs to be respectful of your time, that others demand your time as well, that you have a full life, you're not becoming absorbed into his and losing your own identity and that if he wants to see you, he has to plan things in advance to be mindful of that.

Because the reality when dating is that, making yourself overly available - tends to invite poor treatment from men.

Whether or not they realize it, when they encounter a woman that is overly available to them, drops her plans to accommodate him, waits by the phone for him, blows up his phone and revolves her life around him - they tend to take advantage of that and begin taking the woman for granted unfortunately.; August 30, 2013 at 3:43 PM
Three Times a Libra said...: Great advice again Mirror. Thank you!!!

I've seen other commentors say that you should write a book, and I totally agree. I would buy it!; August 30, 2013 at 4:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

I apologize for posting this here as it isn´t about disappearing, but a few days ago I wrote about this man I met online so I think I should update on him here.

So I corresponded with this man, he seemed to be decent, well-read, intelligent, funny and interesting - the only one I met online in a few months who showed some signs of intelligence - but didn´t ask any questions about me. We quite clicked, but only on a mental level, there was no real flirting involved. As he didn´t ask anything personal I decided to give up on him. Before ending our correspndence I wrote him one last email just to make sure he was "unusable". He wrote back and this time he did ask about me. So I wrote back, asked one or two questions about him and he did the same. Good news, isn´t it? He also started mirroring me in the frequency of writing and he´s been consistent all the time. In my previous post I didn ´t mention that on this dating site there are no photos, there are just advertisements about who is looking for what kind of person. So usually, when correspondence starts a man asks for my photo and then I ask for his. This man hasn´t asked for my photo yet. He works as an IT expert. Mirror, do you think it´s possible that he is introverted and shy? I have met some shy men who needed a woman who would push them a little, so I am not sure... He seems to be very nice, decent, etc. but on you were right about him not initiating anything. Or maybe he is married or something is wrong with him?
Do you think I should stop this correspondence completely? It´s not a big deal for me to write an email to somebody. On the other hand, I have mentioned here my experience with a man on the same dating site with whom I had corresponded for three months when he finally asked me out. I said yes and he disappeared. No exchange of photos with that one either. What do you think, Mirror? Thank you for your opinion.

I wish you all a nice weekend,
HopefulWithMan; August 30, 2013 at 5:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Well, it does raise a bit of a red flag when natural curiosity doesn't even take over in instances like this. I mean, men are visual creatures and they have a heightened need for "visual" stimuli. So you would think his curiosity about YOUR looks would prompt him to share his, hoping you'll do the same.

When there's no photos and only basically anonymous communication over the Internet and nothing on the phone or text, no phone number to go off of at least. . .I dunno, that seems a bit "sketch" ya' know?

In those situations, I'm not sure you even know if you're really communicating with who you think you are - meaning, there are lots of lonely folks out there who do this and pretend to be people they're not. Men think they're talking to women, only to find out it's a man in Russia or something, and women talk to men, only to find out, it's a someone playing games and they're married or living with someone, etc.

I wouldn't get too wrapped up in this one, especially if in the next two weeks or so, that natural curiosity doesn't kick in that prompts him to expose himself to you.; August 31, 2013 at 7:26 AM
Gemini50 said...: Hi Ladies,

Just thought I’d so some sharing.

Last week I mentioned a 55-yr old male friend from DC. I’d like to share the part of our conversation where he said he was ‘juggling’ two women.

During our phone convo, he txt me pics of both and asked me to select my preference. Of course, you can’t favor one over another from a pic, and I told him that. I asked him which one he prefers. He went on about the differences of the two, they both sounded like nice women.

He was camping at a park for the weekend by himself, his choice. He said he’d already txt with one of the women and thought to invite her over, but he really wanted to be by himself. I laughed and explained it was normal male behavior.

Now, this guy considers himself to be very smart, and he is when it comes to language, books, memory, anal at work, etc.

Me? My smarts come from 'down to earth’ resources, and we appreciate and laugh at each other over our differences. So, when I said it was normal, he perked right up (how would I know something like that?). I explained the need for a man to get away after getting close to a woman, to regroup, to find his center, and then he’d be returning.

I also explained how the woman responds to this behavior will impact his desire for her. He was saying, ‘yes, yes, yes!” to everything.

When he got to which one of the women he needed to “choose” (Note: he feels HE has the power), I told him he will choose the one that he decides he doesn’t want another man to have.

Then he showed his axxhole side. He said he doesn’t want any man to have either of them because he doesn’t want to catch a STD.

I explained my comment more, and then realized that this man considers women to be a tool for him -- a tool for company, entertainment, enrichment FOR HIM, and to boost his ego as a ‘recipient’ of his knowledge and experiences – past and present.

But there was no future. And I think there was no future because deep down, he’s really an insecure man who hides his insecurities of rejection by working all the time and always having to be busy. (He’s stayed at my home a couple times within the past year for a week at a time, and he could not be still. He HAD to always be moving – planning, doing, etc. It was exhausting to watch.)

I will always consider this man my friend, but he’s an axx towards women he becomes involved with! He “looks” like he has it all together, in total control. But this is also the man that told my gf he was a ‘minnow.’ THAT is an insecure man.

During our phone conversation, he reinforced to me that women need to test men until they have proven themselves to us that they are good men and they intend to be a positive addition to our lives, rather than simply getting their needs filled.

Oh, and update on CO:

He was back to txting this week. We met Wednesdsay after his golf game at a bar down the street from me. This time he kept his hands to himself, he put his arm on the back of my chair, but that was it.

And Ms. Mirror, I was proud of myself. This was our second time meeting, and in the past, I would have pulled out my wallet – I would have considered it MY turn to pay. Not this time, I didn’t flinch and he paid the tab and it felt right. When we left, I felt taken care of – even over just a couple beers and a burger, and it felt good. (I’m still practicing).

He still hasn’t asked me out for a normal date. I think we’ll probably end up being “buddies.” lol

PEACE ;); August 31, 2013 at 9:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

thank you for your answer. It hasn´t occurred to me that this man might pretend his identity but I am afraid that you will be right as usual. As there are not many other options, I will continue coresponding with him but I will not get involved and keep a distance.

@Gemini 50
Perhaps for CO these are normal dates. My impression is that his influence on you is generally quite positive and that´s good, isn´t it?; August 31, 2013 at 12:32 PM
Anonymous said...: @HopefulWithMen,

Like Mirror wrote, there are lots of lonely folks out there.

I've been corresponding with a guy just like yours for the past month. Also an IT expert. Hasn't asked for my picture.

I was going to let him go after a couple of emails because he wasn't asking for my picture, and wasn't really moving the conversation along.

So I stopped responding. A couple of days later, he must have picked up on me pulling away... and he started asking more questions.

I knew there was something wrong with him, but I didn't know what.

After sharing some of my own fears/insecurities related to my workout injury, he started opening up and I found out how unhappy he is with work, his weight gain, back pain, and feeling depressed about life in general.

The man you're talking to may be going through some personal issues, which makes him hesitant to ask and share photos. He could be terrified of rejection, and/or feels comfortable talking with women online and never plans to take it offline.

I'm still talking to this one because he's been caring and supportive - and I can unload all my problems on him. I don't expect that he'll man up and court me properly, which is fine as I don't see him as dateable.

If you enjoy talking to him - see where it goes, but lower your expectations. :-)

Vivian; August 31, 2013 at 6:50 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Hopeful,

“Perhaps for CO these are normal dates. My impression is that his influence on you is generally quite positive and that´s good, isn´t it?”

Yes, I suppose these may be normal dates for CO. I’m not going to ask him if they are, I will observe. If they are, it is not what I want.

His influence on me? Hmm, I don’t think he has influenced me at all yet. I know he has given me an opportunity to practice dating skills and practice how to take care of myself so that I don’t end up in a situation I don’t want to be in again. Is it because of him? Or is it because I am practicing the behaviors from Ms. Mirror’s site with him? I think the latter.

Funny thing I noticed last week: a repeat of something that happened early on with us. Twice he was talking about something and said, “remember I told you about this,” and was giving me an update to it.

I said, “Nope, sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about.” He was adamant that he had told me, and when I said, “Nope, different woman,” with a smile, I could see him getting frustrated. (His head actually went down and he was slightly shaking it -- I'm sure he didn't even realize that.) lol

I don’t know if he was frustrated with himself, or frustrated that I wasn’t upset that he is seeing other women.

I still get the feeling that he wants me to lead, to invite him over to my “couch,” but I’m not going to do it.

I had mentioned previously the 29-yr old friend of my daughter’s that was over last weekend during her visit. He continues to cross my mind. Not for the reasons I mentioned last week, but for what I saw in this young man: Character. (I could write a list of what I saw in the less than 24-hrs he spent at my home, but I won’t.)

Thinking about his behavior (actions) gives me hope that there are still single men in my little world who know how and want to be a good man in a woman’s life. Hopefully, I will meet more of them my age ;)

All the best to all... don't give up! Remember, You are worth it!!

{HUGS!}; September 1, 2013 at 7:22 AM
Anonymous said...: @Vivian
Thanks for your feedback. So you have a similar experience. Yes, it´s possible he has some problems and just wants to have somebody to talk to online. And you are right - with low or no expectations it is possible just to chat with him, after all, he is intelligent and interesting to talk to.

@ Gemini50
Maybe I didn´t express myself well or it is because of a language barrier, but what I meant to say was that when you are writing about CO, you sound confident, cool and positive whilst when you write about your two men you sound different. In this respect he has a positive influence on you, that´s what I wanted tosay.(-:

HopefulWithMen; September 1, 2013 at 11:18 AM
Gemini50 said...: Ahhh, Hopeful, You have identified my major problem in life with men: emotional cross-wires. ;)

When I am NOT in need emotionally, as in work, or as a parent (it's not my kids job to take care of me) or in the instance of CO (because I'm just not feeling 'it'), I am very confident in myself and the results I can achieve. I am focused, I can see the task at hand and how to bring people together to accomplish it successfully. And quite honestly, when I am not "in need," I feel safe and strong.

I know why my emotional circuit wires were frayed and cut at an early age, and all of my therapy helped to mend and tape the wires back together so that a current was able to continue to flow enough to sustain, but I feel now (starting at age 50), I am finally REPLACING the old wires and starting from scratch with new ones, from start to finish, one at a time. ;)

Crazy, huh? It's work, but the rest of my life is worth it. SMILE!

(Thank you Ms. Mirror); September 2, 2013 at 9:04 AM
chk61 said...: I posted earlier but it would not "take" on my laptop so I hope this is not a duplicate.

Three weeks no contact today. It's OK, it is what it is. Yeah, he was in another state with his family but he could have easily shot off an email or a text and he did NOT. I felt slightly tempted to email him during the last two weeks but reason prevailed and I did NOT. At this point I know I can continue NOT contacting him. If he does not contact me, then we don't see each other again. Fact.

I don't believe he will suddenly forget me but his silence over the last three weeks is rather obvious and if I broke the ice, it would just be rewarding bad behavior again.

Feeling a bit sad yet resigned. His loss.

If/when he reappears I will most certainly wait the requisite 3 days to reply, if not longer. Of course, this may never happen and as others have noted, it usually happens when you no longer want them.

As the great sage Steve Santigati (joke... but I read his book "The MANual" and he speaks the truth) said: "When dating a bad boy, silence is golden." Truth!; September 3, 2013 at 7:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA, you say a man sees time differently than a woman. That a week or two is nothing to them. I'm wondering about how long a certain amount of time feels for them. Let's say one week. Does that equal a day in a man's mind? I'm going on two and a half months of NC. Feels like forever, but how much time do you think that feels like to a man?; September 4, 2013 at 2:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 4, 2:25PM,
I really can't answer that question dear as this is not a concept that can be measured.

Men do not feel the sense of "urgency" with regards to time as much as women tend to do when dating. But to attempt to measure that and then apply that to each and every man, is virtually impossible.

Rather than focus on him and what he's thinking, switch your focus to YOURSELF, otherwise, this period of NC is not going to do you any good.

If you don't make constructive and positive use of the NC period, by doing things that please you, learning the value of independence, detaching emotionally, etc. - it's not going to do you any good.

And when you still keep the emotional attachment alive through memories, thoughts, etc. - then you're still emotionally attached. The point of NC is to detach from the man emotionally and to gain clarity of thought through that and to begin to stand strong independently. And in order to do this, you can't just let time pass. You have to invest in yourself, invest in your hobbies, things that make you happy, spending time with friends and family, working on yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually and otherwise - basically focusing on YOU and using positive distractions to help you detach emotionally from him.; September 4, 2013 at 4:48 PM
Tiff720 said...: Hi M.O.A... I've been seing this guy off and on for about 3 1/2 years. I am known for doing the disappearing reappearing act on him, but he never showed me that he wanted to be in a committed relationship with me. We both don't have any kids, but I've told him if he isn't in a relationship and I'm not either. Next year I would want to have a child by him. I know he would be a good father because how he treats his neices and newphews. He's almost clost to hitting the 45 yr old mark and he tells me all the time that he is ready to slow down but I just don't see it. Now all of a sudden he wants me to give him another chance at making it right with me and building a relationship possible marriage, but I can honestly say that he does not show me to be a reliable person. However, i can actually say that I can be my Authentic Self around him. Its kindof confusing... Just recently I received a text from him that said, "when are you going to start being consistent". how should I respond? the last time I saw him was Friday night, he didn't call me over the weekend & I missed his call Monday. I actually met a guy online about 2 weeks ago that I have been seeing/hanging out with. The new guy is cool and he did the smallest thing that the other guy didn't do or could be depended on doing. Although the other guy and I have a history.

Please help!!; September 5, 2013 at 11:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody!

@Gemini 50
I very well understand what you said about confidence. From my experience I have come to a conclusion that it is all very simple. When I am not able to feel confident with a certain man, I can either remain with him and "work" on myself to become more confident, or I can leave him and find a man with whom I won´t have to struggle for it. So if in general you are a confident person, I guess the men who deprive you of self-confidence aren´t right for you, maybe you needed them in the past for some reasons but not anymore.

My update: I have been coresponding with this intellectual, decent man. So we have exchanged a few emails, his are quite long, no exchange of photos or phone numbers. In his previous email he mentioned his IT job so I asked him to tell me more about it. He answered he could do it in person. And then wished me a nice evening. He hinted a meeting, didn´t he, but he didn´t make any steps towards it. Now it´s my turn to write and I don´t know how exactly I should respond. Do you have any suggestions?

P.s.: A joke for you:
Madonna is 55, her boyfriend 26. Jennifer Lopez is 44, her boyfriend 26. Sharon Stone is 52, her boyfriend 25. Don´t you have a boyfriend? Don´t worry, he might not have been born yet!

I wish you all a nice weekend.
HopefulWithMen; September 6, 2013 at 5:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
When you respond, remain warm and open, but DO NOT take the lead (which I believe is what he's expecting you to do.)

Address it with something like, "Sure, that sounds nice, we can get together sometime" - and then change the subject and keep talking about something else. Leave that ball in HIS court. You acknowledged it, you agreed - that's all the green light this man needs to ask for a date ;-); September 6, 2013 at 6:54 PM
Anonymous said...: I agree with mirror, or you could say well i will look forward to that
and bat the ball back.. Then see what he comes up with; September 6, 2013 at 7:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Tiff720,
Well, me being me dear LOL, I most likely would've mirrored him in that response and then tossed that ball right back at him:

"when are you going to start being consistent"

My response probably would've kicked that right back at him:

"when you start being more reliable"

"tells me all the time that he is ready to slow down but I just don't see it."

Forget his WORDS dear - focus only on his ACTIONS because they tell the true tale.

"he does not show me to be a reliable person."

Then you cannot believe what he SAYS (words). You can only believe what he DOES (actions).

"he didn't call me over the weekend"

Hmm. A man that's asking for another chance, SAYING he wants something real and committed - yet he tries to make you feel insecure by calling you inconsistent (he's projecting HIS unreliability onto YOU there) - and then disappears all weekend?

That's a big red flag dear. Because a man that's truly dedicated to working it out will attempt to do that CONSISTENTLY. He won't disappear for days and he especially won't disappear on weekends, when he actually has time to WORK ON IT WITH YOU. Get what I'm saying here?

"The new guy is cool and he did the smallest thing that the other guy didn't do or could be depended on doing. Although the other guy and I have a history."

Disregard that history dear. In the end, it's meaningless. Think of it like this. You have a new pair of great shoes but they're still a bit uncomfortable. And then you have a pair of old, worn out, tattered ones that are very comfortable. The new shoes are better for you, for your feet, but the old ones are comfy, even though they're damaging your feet.

Get what I'm saying?

The wise choice is to exchange the shoes that are comfy but damaging for the new ones that are still uncomfortable, yet better for YOU ;-); September 7, 2013 at 8:43 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Hopeful, Thank you, I think you are absolutely correct. Good stuff to consider next time. (I so hope there will be a next time) ;)

Update on CO: He definitely has a problem with boundaries, and I am no longer interested in even a friendship with him.

Something I could no longer ignore, or make excuses for, was he sent me a text of a pic of a docket case where a man was being held and charged w/an offense against a child.

Some weeks earlier, when he was talking about his job, I had mentioned how he has an opportunity to be kind to good people who have made poor choices -- not malicious or evil choices -- just mistakes that do not harm others, but are considered breaking a law.

His text to me with the docket case/name was, "Should I be nice to him? Morning."

I asked about the family. My heart went out to the child and family.

And when he sent me a pic of the man in their holding cell from the security camera, this action was very disturbing to me. The man could be innocent -- and if not, I did not want any connection with this person. I instantly deleted the photo.

So, my question to Ms. Mirror and everyone who is out there dating, is: How do you end it when you've met someone a couple times, been texting for-freak'n-ever (never again -- I'm learning) and know you are not interested?

I've been putting space between responding to his texts... Didn't respond at all on Sunday to a couple. But after he text me again Monday and we had a couple texts back and forth, I had mistakenly dialed his number. I was half-asleep, walking into my garage, and heard him on my cell. We didn't talk much, I apologized for the error, he told me he liked it, and then said for me to let him know when I am "thirsty" again. I said ok, and that was it.

Then he sends me his familiar text Tues after he gets into work> Morning!! Kept waiting to be ass-dialed!!!

Me> Sorry about that - sleep walking yesterday. U calling me an ass? lol

CO> No, I meant you have a nice... (oh shit! Typing out loud again!!) lol

Me> Ur typing can't be faster than your brain.

CO> Oh, you should see what's in my brain!!

I had started to write back, but I got busy at work. I had typed> "I don't think so" And was planning on adding, "I've got enough in my own head to manage" But it sat for hrs; and when my daughter called me in afternoon, I mistakenly hit send to CO.

At 11:11 PM -- (yep - 11:11) CO sends a text> Ow!!! Got it

I woke up at 3, and now I've just had enough of this guy -- he's just too much work. He sent that mssg when he knew I would be sleeping; and I think he sent that to show some kind of departure and for me to chase.

I wrote @ 3 AM> CO, an OW was not my intent. I don't want to get inside anyone's brain... I have enough work managing my own. Sincerely, I wish u all the best. (my name)

9:30 next morning, CO sends me a text> Hello????!!

I didn't respond.

Yesterday (2 days later) he sends me a pic of geese w/"Happy Friday!!!" on it.

I did't respond.

So, how do you do it Ms. Mirror and all? What do you say to be kind, while taking care of yourself? And is doing it by text ok -- especially when it's the prime way a guy communicates?

thx - Hope everyone has a nice weekend.

{{{HUGS}}}; September 7, 2013 at 10:06 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, this is Hopeful. Thank you for your advice, I will do what you suggested. This man is nice, but I find it quite difficult to communicate with him. It was so much easier for me with the player, isn´t it sad? :-(
Hopeful; September 7, 2013 at 1:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello, Aphrodite and Readers.

I've been casually seeing this 50 year old man for over a year. It wasn't until February that we got a little more serious and became intimate. About a month ago, we had the exclusive conversation. It kind of just flowed into the subject on it's own. He said, "I feel like I'm your man." I told him that although I felt the same way, I couldn't under any circumstances assume that. [Side notes: He is a single father with a teenager still at home. His son is a sweetheart who greets me with a smile and hug every time I see him. I've been out with him and his son. I've spent the night many times but not regularly. We go out publically. We even took a dance class at his suggestion.]Ok back to the story: He asked to be exclusive. We discussed what we both wanted/needed in the relationship and we agreed to be an exclusive couple. However, he has pulled the disappearing act before sometime throughout our courtship. For my birthday last week, he reserved a beautiful suite, my favorite wine, dinner and dancing, 3 rounds of great sex and breakfast. We set a middle-of-the-week date for the following Wednesday with no plans for anything in particular to do--just spending time and playing it by ear. I spoke with him Tuesday (I called him). Great convo. Then Wednesday, 10 minutes before our date (we work together), he texts me "I have to break our date." A text!! No apology. No follow-up call. I called him about 30 minutes later and left a message, "hey. got your text. what's wrong? call me." As of today, Saturday, I have not heard from him. I've seen him a few times at work, but he didn't even acknowledge my presence; and that really hurt me. So I figured when he does reappear, I'll just tell him, "Since you want to run in and out, stay out there." I mean, I feel like he never meant the exclusive thing at all. I've always been up front about what I wanted and what I was about. I feel like the friend with benefits or the bootey call. And I wouldn't knowingly accept either, so he had to lie so he could have his cake and eat it too. I feel like all the sweet things he's done are overshadowed by these blatant acts of disrespect. I haven't called or texted since. Maybe he won't even call at all. What's your take on this? What would you say if/when he reappeared? I'm almost sure he's gonna come to my office if I ignore his calls and texts. Please. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.; September 7, 2013 at 9:59 PM
Anonymous said...: My boyfriend disappear on me in march 2013, one day after his birthday and i decided to do the silent treatment as well hoping he will come find me..we are doin just fine previously..actually....but suddenly my mom wants me to get engage and married with my boyfriend but she's not forcing us...she just saying it...so i told my boyfriend (i text him) then he suddenly stop replying my text and not contact me at all until now...but during my mom birthday...he text my mum and wish her birthday...and he contact with my little brother too...but not me!...he's being nice to my family...but not me...this is the second time he disappear ): but recently....he text me.. "hello!" After six mth of not contacting me..so i decided to reply his text and say hello back...he text me just because he wants his manchester united jersey that i bought for him..then last tues..i went to his house to send it to him but i just left it inside the mailbox cos i wasn't ready to meet him plus he doesn't seem to put any effort of wanting to make any conversation with me and he doesn't even say thanks to me for the jersey ):.and yesterday...he send me text again saying "hello!". But i decided not to reply him...should i reply him? And do you think he actually love me? Why issit he being so nice to my family and if he doesn't want to be with me...why he came back in my life?; September 8, 2013 at 5:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Well you have a couple of options. Naturally, one is to simply tell him that you don't feel any romantic attraction to him and wish him well. (I have a tendency to always consider the next woman a man will date, and with that one, it's always my hope that the man will "get it" and step up and treat the next woman to romantic dates as opposed to "buddy" dates.)

Your other option is to tell him you've met someone else. And this is not intended to be hurtful. It's just been my personal observation that men like CO, sometimes even if you give it to them straight - they don't get it and they continue to contact you, still making attempts via their same ole' "buddy" system. So if you want to avoid the potential for that, explain that you're now dating someone.

Your other option is to become less and less responsive and simply hope that he gets the message.

I wouldn't feel obligated to him and fret over it too much. It's not like this guy was going out of his way for you, to impress you, and it's not like he was very close to you either, given that he barely ever phoned to talk to you and develop something deeper. So it's not like this was anything significant enough to warrant a face-to-face for this - text is fine and in my opinion with a man like CO, so is a fib if need be, as long as it's not done with malice to be hurtful.

In reality, CO hasn't been all that good to you Gem. He's a lazy man that's been making half-assed lazy "buddy" attempts. As far as I'm concerned, all's fair in love and war. And that means it's fair game for you to take the lazy way out here (fib), LOL ;-); September 8, 2013 at 8:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 7, 9:59PM,
"What would you say if/when he reappeared?"

I wouldn't say a thing - because I'd got into no contact after that one. At that point, his actions ceased aligning with his words and that would cease any contact/response from me as a result.

"I'm almost sure he's gonna come to my office if I ignore his calls and texts."

That's fine. I'd tell him that you're busy, you can't talk about it there and you'll discuss it with him later. Then I'd not answer/respond to his calls or texts for a solid month after that stunt.

I'd also consider myself "single" - and I'd advise him that as far as I'm concerned, he's single as well.

You need to let this man know that regardless of what he says, whether he SAYS you're in a committed relationship or not - doesn't natter. What matters is how he treats you. And even if he says you're committed, you're not going to consider yourself committed if he's not going to act like he's in a committed relationship and treat you as such.

That way, you send a message that if he flakes on you - he's on his own, and so are you, you're on the open market again, regardless of his words - and that he will not be having his cake and eat it too with you. You will not be taking yourself off the market while he runs around and does whatever he pleases.

If he wants to run around and do as he pleases - then that's fair game for you to do the same - and you make that clear to him via your actions.; September 8, 2013 at 10:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 8, 5:35AM,
"should i reply him?"

Absolute NOT. You remain in no contact/no response until he apologizes to you and expresses a desire to talk. If he does not do that, he does not have access to you - period. He needs to do MUCH MORE than send a lazy "hello" to get your attention again.

"And do you think he actually love me?"

I don't think that when you're in love, you disappear on someone for six months dear :-(

"Why is he being so nice to my family and if he doesn't want to be with me"

Because it appears that he's a bit manipulative dear. He wants your family to think highly of him, but clearly, he doesn't care whether or not he actually treats you like a gentleman.

"why he came back in my life?"

Probably because whatever it is that he's been doing for the last six months has come to an end. So now, he's circling back around and testing the waters with you again.; September 8, 2013 at 10:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

Met a wonderful man online (generous, protective, cherishing).

We went out on romantic dates for that first month. Him pursuing me. I don't text first, always responsive and happy to say yes to dates.

We were going out 2 to 3 times a week and after our 7th date about 3 weeks in he asked me when was I free to hang out again.

I said I was free that Friday night (this was a wednesday when he was asking - and it had been a week of texting without being asked out so my patience was kind of wearing) Anyway, He said his brother may be coming into town that weekend so friday might not work but he would "let me know for sure"

This is all via text.

So thursday no word from him (which was unusual, since he texts me pretty much daily since meeting)
Friday rolls around and no word. Its now afternoon so I text him.

"Hey it's getting late and I haven't heard anything so I'm assuming we're not getting together"

He calls me immediately and says He forgot to get back to me (but doesn't apologize). I'm short on the phone like "oh yeah. ok". He asks if we can get together on Sunday instead and I say I don't know. We hang up and a little later he texts me with "I'm sorry. I forgot. I really like you and would love to see you again when you're free"
So the next day, he texts again, is in my neighborhood, we say hi quick and we make plans to get together the next day. sunday.

He invites me over (my second time at his house- all other dates were nights out) . I go there and he apologizes in person and says he didnt do it intentionally and that he really did get focused at work and forget. I believe him. He's being sweet and seems all good. Oh and he asks me to stay the night (for first time). I do. I tell him I dont wan't to have sex yet. He says Ok. We fool around (no intercourse). Go to sleep and next morning he seems a little stiff but I just go on get ready and we both leave and he says i will see you later or something like that.

OK
So it's a monday morning when i leave his house... for the next 11 days he is texting me daily but NOT asking me out. (this is the only way we have communicated since meeting).
i'm starting to feel not so good about this... just texting but not being asked out. wtf!

so i text him in response to his daily check in that "i appreciate him reaching out but I don't feel good texting without any plans to see each other. i feel better with phone calls or dates. what do you think? hope to hear from you"

he texts back "i agree i will call you tomorrow headed out of town but lets talk"

tomorrow (friday) rolls around and guess what.
i dont hear from him.

sat, sun - nothing. and monday morning i wake up to a message sent at 4:30 in the morning (he's never texted me after 10 pm even)
"i've been in vegas the past couple of days. i want to make plans to see each other i think you're cool and beautiful. are you around the next couple of days? i leave town on thursday for work for a week"
i don't respond to this text. (right!?)
it's now been a week since, and i haven't heard anything again. (i know he left town for work on thurs)
should i just continue with "no contact"?
was he rubberbanding? or was he misbehaving?
not calling when you say you will is bad. and no apology with that 4 am text either. ugh.

i feel like the relationship was going to move forward or apart at that point (kinda like a make or break)

did it break?

I feel I did the right thing by not responding to that message but sometimes doubt myself. Have you read "getting to i do" I'm thinking of giving it 8 weeks and just letting go. What do you think?

we are both in our 30's. He's a cancer male I'm an aries :)

Any insight or thoughts...

I LOVE your writings. Happy I found this site.
Thanks in advance.

Sincerely,
Confused!; September 8, 2013 at 11:57 AM
Gemini50 said...: Thank you Ms. Mirror,

This is where I have tried to end "it" (whatever the "it" was) with past men in my life, and where they have 'convinced' me not to: Aries, Sag, Aquarius, Virgo -- all of them, when I knew it wasn't right for me, they'd convinced me otherwise. I had a 3-yr relationship w/an Aries off/on in my 20's, I ended up w/Sag for 15 yrs, Aquarius for less than 2 yrs, and the on/off thing with Virgo for 2 yrs. (But not Scorpio, when I chose Virgo over him and asked him if we could just be friends, he had no interest. He basically said OK, wished me luck and walked out the door. Allowed me to deal with the consequences of my decision. And now, I guess, I am allowing him to deal with the consequences of his. hmm, interesting)

Anyway, back to CO. He text me Sat 7pm> Over??

I did not respond.

Then 45 minutes later CO> I do miss you

Now, how the hell can he miss me? We've met two times. He misses someone to text -- he misses the fantasy in his head. I did not respond.

CO Sunday 3:30pm> Still do

Two hrs later I responded with an apology (I know, I know, I know -- I shouldn't apologize, but I feel bad) and an explanation that I don't think we are compatible> CO, I am sorry. U obviously r comfortable texting as a way of comm's. I hate it. I am trying to cut down drinking. It's what u want to do. Neither one is wrong - just not compatible. I do wish u all the best. (My name)

I can't fib... I ALWAYS get caught in any kind of fib or conduct that I know is wrong. (It's a curse -- and I've learned karma usually kicks my axx for it.)

So, I tried to be honest and kind.

I don't think he'll be done though. I think he'll come back at me with a snarley comment as when he did in the very beginning when he didn't get his way and got snotty about my profile. We'll see.

This has been a good lesson, though. A lesson to trust my self, my gut, and to test a guy -- and hopefully trust my gut sooner.

CO would have jumped in bed w/me on that first night out -- but afterwards, when I went looking for the "wonderful" he professed to be, I bet it would have never come to fruition. I would have allowed a stranger into my home and bed; put myself at risk w/sex, all based on words. And then I would have been waiting for that wonderful to happen, to be treated wonderful, and wasted how many months of my life listening to excuses, putting his needs first, being "patient," etc.

OMGoodness... that's how it's been. Thankfully, no more!!!

Be strong ladies, test these men. Trust your gut and do not settle for a man who is lazy, selfish, a player, etc.

Hugs to All; September 8, 2013 at 7:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused,
Honestly, I think this guy's already shown you enough to make an informed decision dear. When gentlemen "rubberband" on a woman, it's generally not done disrespectfully. Meaning, they'll pull away a bit and leave some space in between the last time they saw/talked to you - however, they will NOT make plans and then "forget" them and they will not say they'll call and then not call.

Pulling away and taking some space is one thing, but being disrespectful is an entirely different thing.

When a gentleman rubberbands on a woman, it's simply a matter of taking some space (take some time to plan dates, call, etc. and not rushing things) - but it will NOT include unreliable, inconsistent, disrespectful treatment (saying you'll call and then not calling, planning a date and then "forgetting" to cancel it, etc.)

So far, this guy has shown you that he's careless, thoughtless, self-centered, easily distracted, inconsistent, unreliable and generally untrustworthy as a result.

At this point, I wouldn't bother wasting my time. But if you do decide to continue with him, give him 6 weeks to prove that he can be reliable, consistent and trustworthy - and if he fails to do that in the first 6 weeks - WALK, because it's not going to get any better from there.

Everyone is generally "at their best" in the early stages of dating, or at least they should be. So if this kind of stuff is taking place early on, if this is the "best" they've got to give. . .it's never going to get any better than that and over time, guys like this generally deteriorate into even worse behavior :-(; September 9, 2013 at 8:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Looking for some advice please. I've read your articles and think you are spot on when it comes to men!

Here is my situation. I was involved with a guy and I had believed it had come to an end. I did NC with him and after a few weeks he came to me and apologized in person. He said he wasn't closing the door on us. Even though I appreciated his apology and I have to add it was a pretty good one, lots of eye contact and he seemed really sincere, I still did NC for another week. I was hurt and couldn't accept his apology at the time. I really like him so I thought since he did apologize that I would give him another chance. Since it was me ignoring him I felt it was up to me to break the ice again. I asked him to get together so we could clear the air and he agreed. Only thing is, I didn't specify when, I just left it at sometime next week. Well that time came and went and I didn't make plans with him. Now I'm wondering if it is ok to still ask him to get together to talk. I see him almost everyday.

I don't want to chase him but I do feel the ball is in my court and he may be waiting for me to come to him since it was me who did NC and didn't accept his apology right away.

Do I approach him?

Thanks!; September 9, 2013 at 11:27 AM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini 50
I like it how you have dealt with CO.

I am starting to feel angry about all these men who don´t even bother to invite you for a meal when they want to get you to bed. I can´t believe that we women have allowed this to happen. Mirror is right - proper dates are necessary.

A nice day to everybody.
ňHopefulWithMen; September 9, 2013 at 1:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi, MOA.

Thank you for your response (September 8, 2013 at 10:16 AM). I supposed the hardest thing for me is to see him here at work, but he doesn't seem to be having a problem with it. It's been almost a week since he pulled this crap, and I'm wondering if he'll contact me at all. He definitely knows I'm not cool with what he did, and he may just leave it like it is. I know it shouldn't matter, but I want the opportunity to gutt-punch that butt!! [I know, not cool].

So does the 30-day start from last week or from the day he tries to contact me? Either way, I'm cool with it. Let the NC begin.

"I'd also consider myself "single" - and I'd advise him that as far as I'm concerned, he's single as well."

Is this something I say to him or show him with my actions? I don't have problem with doing this just the HOW. I tend to say more than I should when I'm upset; and I just want to be prepared as much as possible before he approaches (blasted Virgo trait).

1UpsetLady; September 9, 2013 at 2:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror,

Thanks for all the advice you give. My problem is the opposite of confused... When we first started dating I got the royal treatment for 2 months or more. Now, we are approaching a year and I'm feeling taken for granted. Is it ever appropriate to "talk" to you man when you are in an established relationship - or are we still having to not answer the phone and get busy when we are feeling not paid attention to?

The texting has waned (spelling?), the sex has waned down to once a week, and he's more interested in watching TV than going out. I think I can handle everything but the sex part. We are forty-ish and I still would like it more than once a week. Can I say something??; September 9, 2013 at 5:10 PM
chk61 said...: I messed up. I was thinking about my friends who are dealing with cancer diagnoses, could be facing death and I asked myself: if I was given six months to live, would I contact him? YES. So I sent off an email "feeler" Saturday after a full month of No Contact. I told myself "what have I got to lose?"

He wrote back Sunday morning, a blow by blow account of his busy weekend and sent photos of his vacation. He has an athletic semi-pro avocation that takes up a fair amount of his free time. He did not ask if/when he could see me.....which is not surprising since we had not communicated in a month and I have been the pursuer recently.

So I wrote back this afternoon, more small talk, and he has not responded. I noticed he has been on the online dating site AND he RSVP'ed for a meetup group next week. So I am reminded that this man IS capable of making future plans. He just doesn't want to make them with me. I have a gut feeling he is going to leave me hanging again. And I will have to go No Contact AGAIN, start over at square one, and REALLY bite the bullet this time. I know, it's my OWN DAMN FAULT. My weakening and contacting him kills any attraction he has for me. :-(

See...if it were ME and some guy I had no interest in kept popping up...I'd very politely tell him I'm NOT interested so he'd leave me alone. I prefer to nip things in the bud. I'm a busy person, like most of us, and I don't need my ego massaged by people I have no interest in. But this guy keeps leading me on with his responses, he dangles the carrot and then he pulls it away. WHY would a highly educated, divorced father of two 12 year olds behave this way? I think he's getting back at the last three women who rejected him.

Another girlfriend has said she would just lay it on the line with him, and then I can move on. I have not chosen that direct approach because I feel like I don't need to be rejected to my face. Going into No Contact with no explanation is difficult. And it appears that despite my best efforts with this guy, I am weak. I feel like an idiot now and I have to start over at square one.

But I realize this is ALL in my head. He has NO IDEA what I am thinking or feeling. He can GUESS but he really doesn't know. I am giving him WAY too much power over me and it probably has something to do with the relationship I had with my distance but well-meaning father or some other aspect of my psychology. My girlfriend who suggested I be straight with him said to me when I told her the story:" Oh, what are you doing wrong?" I'm only 50% responsible for the failure or the relationship to progress but I guess my 50% of what I'm doing wrong is: 1. I have not been strong enough and it makes him lose respect for me. 2. People want what they can't have and when I stick my neck out after 30 days he is again reminded: "yep, she wants me" and thus he loses interest. 3. I should have stopped communicating him with when he disappeared and NOT been the one to break the ice after 2 months.

He is obviously playing me for his own ego. He gets an ego massage out of this cat and mouse thing, and that is HIS problem.; September 9, 2013 at 8:15 PM
chk61 said...: What I need to figure out and apparently it is a lifelong lesson, is WHY I would continue to want someone who is unavailable like he is. I guess I'm not that different from everyone else. As David Burns, MD says: (The Burns Principle) “People what what they can't have. They don't want what they can have.”

He may write to me tomorrow but my gut is screaming at me that he responded just to see if I would suggest a meeting. I have not done that. Usually he responds by the next day, within minutes, or NOT AT ALL. So I got his first response, and now it seems he is back to his usual schtick, which is just blowing me off...again.

And I am a reasonable (NOT crazy), intelligent, attractive woman and I rarely meet men I'm attracted to. We women are reportedly not to consider physical attraction (and men are NEVER expected to date women they are not physically attracted to) yet I'd rather be alone than be intimate with someone I'm not physically attracted to. so if that makes me unreasonable or deluded or unrealistic about my chances, so be it. Been there, done that, and it doesn't work.

II sound angry and I guess I am. Mostly with myself. I just pray that this time the anger lasts long enough for me to get over this guy ONCE AND FOR ALL so I can just move the hell on. Wish me luck. Thanks. :-); September 9, 2013 at 8:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror Again:

I wrote earlier today on the established relationship of going into a year (in Dec.) and feeling taken for granted because of things waning. I just spoke to a GF and she was able to articulate that I'm missing intimacy - and that's it exactly! I don't need physical contact but maybe 2 -3 times a week because I'm busy, too. But when we are together it's built around these TV shows/sports and we have to get back home by 8:00 to watch them. (We may have dinner out and he thinks that's his contribution, I suppose.) But then, there's no talking , romance or sex after 8:00 because of programming, even though we are sitting there together. It's leaving me empty, as well as the lack of calling me throughout the week. I get a phone call about every 2 days and texts maybe every other day. I'm starting to feel like a girlfriend of convenience. I am missing the intimacy and attentiveness we once had.; September 9, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I've been connecting with your website for the last 6mths and I have managed to make some changes to the way I behave. I've managed to allow the man to pursue and been through a no contact with someone and held my ground, let them go etc - those kind of things that might not sound a lot to you but are massive changes to how I was before I found the website. All this is well and good and I've been able to practice a lot with the on-line dating and been on a few dates. It's all been quite successful until I've got onto my next stage of learning and trying to implement boundaries and keeping my worth now I've met someone and it's looking like it's turning into a relationship.

I thought I was doing well and I was but I think I've succumbed to temptation and had sex with someone prematurely, when it came down to it I didn't have the strength I thought I had to enforce my boundary. Although this is a no no and obviously a issue, it is not the real issue for me at the moment. Although the deed has been done so to speak, I'm wondering how to proceed from here onwards. I'm thinking of scaling back on the sex and maybe saying that I want to get to know him better and that it was too soon for me.
I did try and say this before it happened but I was too weak to enforce this, I was under no pressure by him but we were in a situation that sometimes with the best will in the world the temptation overules.

Anyway let me tell what the issues are for me. He is very pursuing and doing all the contact and wanting to see me, making arrangements and spend time with me. Speaking of future things which I will have to be the judge on those and see if they manifest into action.

So what is wrong is in someway I don't think he is putting in enough effort. He is a hardworker in his job and has a very demanding boss. I don't want to sound like his mother but his bedroom is a shit tip and I know that we should not have got to the bedroom yet but here it is. It's not a bedroom that's conducive to wooing a woman, it's a boy's room and we both are quite forth coming about what we say and I take the mickey a lot and made a few comments about it. The whole flat that he shares, it's a nice modern flat but not cared for. I think this is my point 'cared for' and for me I would have thought that he would have made the effort to tidy his room to at least make it look reasonable. That he should care what I thought and be worried that it would put me off. He's laughed it off as a boy's room. I don't want to sound like his mother. He works damm hard and is not a slob, he has high standards and is very smart but it could be argued that this is laziness and I'm wondering whether I'm seeing signs of laziness in the way he approaches relationships. Not in the pursuing stuff etc that I mentioned earlier. It does appear to be laziness but I think the deeper issue here is a holding back from giving. He laughed about there's no chance of him being under a ball and chain, so I think there is a resistance there. He has also joked with me about liking my own way, demanding and that I need to stop analizing and enjoy myself whilst there maybe some truth in there I feel like he is not making the effort he should be and pushing my boundaries to accept things. I want to try and reverse this and put in some boundaries before it is too late as he may of picked up that I'm willing to settle for less enough though he's saying for me to stop analzing things and that he is interested in me.

I will give you another example this one weekend the previous had been very social and he was very tired with a demanding job and wanted to stay in relax and cook me a meal. I said no and said that I would rather go out. We had not had sex at this point and I thought that he should be taking me out in the beginning. I said that I was not seeking a free and easy arrangement. He knew what I meant and agreed to just go out for a quiet drink.; September 10, 2013 at 6:08 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont

Anyway we get on the night out and he's a bit below par and not his usual self, turns out this boss of his and few other collegues persuaded him to go out the night before and he said he had been in bed most of the day worse for wear. While I have no issue with this it did effect the evening because he wasn't putting in as much effort and it wasn't making me feel that good. I understand that he felt rough, we did have a few minor words about it and he got a bit defensive and said that he'd been mithered by his boss etc and that he wasn't going to turn it down. It did make me feel a bit like and he did, that it was a bit like I was trying to take over what he did with his life but it was literally my concern was about the effort he was putting in. He said that he could of cancelled on me but he didn't want to do that and wanted to see me. Maybe I should have been a bit more understanding, I know I can't do two nights on the row when there is drink involved. But I think I was a bit annoyed as previously to this night occuring he didn't want to go out and wanted a quiet weekend in. So it's appearing to me that this all changed when his boss clicks his fingers and alright he probably had the night payed for him and enjoyed himself. But workwise this boss is entrepreneur and my fella working for him and he crosses the boundaries with him demanding this that and the other on his days off.

My fellas flatmates are away this week so he's invited me around in the week to make me a meal. I think I'm going to go he will have to take me out on another night though I'm not getting into cozy nights in as a way of beginning a relationship but on this occasion I'm going to see if he is going to follow through and take care of me/cook for the evening. So he's asking me what I like Spag bol? Yeah I do, it is the standard sort of thing that many cook and it is nice it takes a bit of effort and that's good enough for me. However, in the next breath he's asking me if I like faijtas, so my moneys on that's what I'm going to get, so lets see what he does.
As all this entails is cooking a bit of meat and throwing it in a pancake. Please tell me if I'm expecting too much but there is just an overall sense for me that he's not putting in enough effort to impress me. He's not got me yet, maybe he thinks he has as I've slept with him.

It is making me feel a bit angry and resentful already and I shouldn't be feeling like this in the beginning. Like I said we're both a bit forth-coming in what we say and I've joked with him that if he doesn't get his act together that he'd be out the door and he's joked with me about liking my own way and that he doesn't do ball and chains and that I can try if I want to. I'm not interested in having any control over him I just want him to be putting in the effort and treating me really well. Does that make me demanding? I think it's a way of him shutting me up. I don't want to turn into a nag or anything but I'm struggling with how to navigate my way through this terrain as it appears the way to go is through actions and not what you say.

So do I stop the sex? I feel that on some level he's computing that doing things for me and putting in feel effort is a threat on his freedom and not that he's being lazy but he wants to do what he wants to do. He's laughed about it and said that there's no way he's being under the thumb and that I have met my match.

CONT; September 10, 2013 at 7:21 AM
Anonymous said...: cont..

There's been a couple of times that he's not made me breakfast and it's got into the afternoon and he's been making arrangements to see his pals in the late afternoon which is fine for him to have his own life and I go home and I'm not rushed out or anything but I feel a bit uncared for and I don't know if it's a way of him creating a bit of distance. I've not been seeing him for very long so this maybe normal, I don't want to date a labrador or somebody dependent but I want him to care about me and my needs.

The girl flatmate is constantly having a go at him to clean his dishes the minute his fork hits the plate and he said that he might want to clean in a few hours of the next day. So I don't think he likes being told what to do who does?? but on the same hand he's got this demanding boss but I suppose he's a bit under control there as it's a demanding but very good job.

And then he talks about treating me like princess, I certainly don't want to be a princess in the spoilt way but I want my man making an effort and making me feel special otherwise he's going to lose me.

He did have this past relationship 1yr and half ago and she was ill and he cared for her and supported her, even for two months after when they split up and he slept on the couch but still looked after her till she got herself sorted. So I know he has got it in him but maybe it's a battle for independence but if he wants me then I don't come for free.

So Mirror please could you advise how to handle this in what to do or not to do and what to say and not as I feel that if I say something it could be perceived as demanding etc but if I don't then he's not putting in enough effort. When really I want him to treat me well automatically putting in the full effort because he wants to make a good impression and doesn't want to lose me without me having to prompt him

Thank you; September 10, 2013 at 7:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Ladies,

I ran across this article yesterday, apparently written by a guy, about "e-maintaining" women. After I got past my anger (seriously? like walking a dog?!) it helps me understand the WHY behind the motives of some of these guys that text/email randomly. I recognized myself as being "e-maintained" at some points in life, and it's making me so angry! Never again, dang it!

http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/19/men-who-e-maintain-women-the-art-of-texting-whats-up/

Hugs to everyone and stay strong. Love and value yourself first :)

Hoopsgirl76; September 10, 2013 at 9:13 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 9, 11:27AM,
"Since it was me ignoring him I felt it was up to me to break the ice again."

But isn't the purpose for HIM to PROVE to YOU that he's serious about this? Isn't that what should follow his apology - ACTION by HIM if he's truly serious and sorry?

Don't feel the need to "do" anything here dear, it's not your sole responsibility to carry this relationship along, it takes two.

"Well that time came and went and I didn't make plans with him."

But shouldn't HE be making plans with YOU to prove that he's serious and that he's genuinely sorry? Shouldn't he be following up his WORDS with ACTIONS?

"Now I'm wondering if it is ok to still ask him to get together to talk."

If he's truly sorry and he's genuinely interested, HE will ask YOU.

"I do feel the ball is in my court and he may be waiting for me to come to him since it was me who did NC and didn't accept his apology right away."

Not true dear. The point of NC when used in this manner is to see if the man is genuinely interested or not. To see if he backs up all his sweet TALK with ACTION. And if he doesn't, that doesn't mean that YOU try HARDER. It means that he's not all that serious and that this isn't as important to him as he said it was :-(

"Do I approach him?"

If you do that, if you make this easy on him to walk right back in the door without HIM having to lift a finger to do so or to prove himself to you - you're going to have another repeat of this same exact situation. He will start off great for about two weeks, then he'll revert right back to square one.

He needs to prove himself to you and he needs to do that via his ACTIONS, not his WORDS. If I were you, I'd put him to the test and I'd see if he truly meant what he said.; September 10, 2013 at 9:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @1UpsetLady,
"So does the 30-day start from last week or from the day he tries to contact me?"

I'd wait until he contacts you and then go from there, but it's a personal choice.

"Is this something I say to him or show him with my actions?"

I wouldn't say this unless the situation presents itself. Meaning, unless HE came to ME and expressed a desire to talk. Otherwise, I'd show him via my actions. I'd remain unavailable to him and I'd probably start entertaining the idea of casually dating others (no sex though).; September 10, 2013 at 9:22 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 9, 5:10PM,
"Is it ever appropriate to "talk" to you man when you are in an established relationship - or are we still having to not answer the phone and get busy when we are feeling not paid attention to?"

I don't ever think it's wise for a woman to issue a "talk" as it becomes too emotional, too much shared, seems like an ultimatum and ultimately backfires unless the man initiates it and is ready for it himself.

"Can I say something??"

I wouldn't SAY anything, but I would SHOW it in my actions. Meaning, the less you "do" here, the more he's going to begin to realize something's wrong. And if he cares, once he realizes that something's wrong, HE will initiate the talk.

As a woman, the less you "do" - the more men "hear" ;-); September 10, 2013 at 9:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ckh61,
"WHY would a highly educated, divorced father of two 12 year olds behave this way?"

One is because of this - he's using the methods discussed in this piece (short term rewards system): http://youtu.be/rs5KpdlA_L8

The second reason is because you keep making yourself available to him without him needing to do anything to earn that - and it's creating a situation where he's keeping you as an "option," which is why I do not advocate women initiating with men as this is generally what it leads to :-(

"Going into No Contact with no explanation is difficult."

It shouldn't be when the man is treating you poorly dear.

"Oh, what are you doing wrong?"

You're not doing anything wrong dear. Naturally, chasing him down and initiating with him isn't helping the situation, but the reality here is that this isn't working and he's not genuinely interested. I'm sorry. But you can't blame yourself here and beat yourself up. Instead, accept the reality of the situation and let go and move on.

"WHY I would continue to want someone who is unavailable like he is."

Because you could have an attachment disorder dear, like the one discussed in the link I shared above.

"I guess I'm not that different from everyone else."

Nope. I believe approximately one of every three women has an attachment disorder.

"I'd rather be alone than be intimate with someone I'm not physically attracted to."

While I understand that dear, I also sense that you mistakenly believe that physical attraction is the ONLY attraction required to make a connection work. You seem to place a VERY large portion of "attraction" on the physical. What about the spiritual attraction and the emotional attraction? Do those not count for anything? Does a man that might be a few steps down in physical attraction but that has a strong spiritual and emotional attraction to you - can he not treat you well, make you happy and create an even more intense attraction by doing so? The attraction has to be more than skin deep, more than superficial, in order for it to be "real" dear. Otherwise, it's a cheap superficial attraction that has no real value and will not stand the test of time, ya' know?

Cont. . .; September 10, 2013 at 9:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "long enough for me to get over this guy ONCE AND FOR ALL"

Might I suggest that you cease worrying/thinking/focusing on HIM dear - and instead, think and focus on YOU. If you switch your mental perspective from that of HIM to that of YOU, this will start to fall in place. Because right now, you are NOT looking out for YOURSELF dear. You're walking straight into a repeat of this over and over again and using the same tactics to do so - which are yielding the same exact results each time.

The definition of insanity dear is doing the sam thing over and over again, yet expecting different results.

Please think about YOU. Please love YOURSELF. Please look out for YOURSELF. Cease making up excuses to break no contact and instead, come up with reasons you should KEEP it, ya' know? Reasons that concern YOU, not him. Switch your line of thinking and start answering you own questions of self-doubt like this:

"if I was given six months to live, would I contact him?"

NO. Because when facing life and death, the last thing on earth you need is more problems and pain and rejection. Protect YOURSELF.

"if it were ME and some guy I had no interest in kept popping up...I'd very politely tell him I'm NOT interested so he'd leave me alone."

That's because you're projecting your female desires and thoughts onto a man. He's a man, not a woman. Men think different, feel different, fall in love different and communicate different. And they will keep you around as a sexual option if you make yourself available to them to do so, ya' know? Again, protect YOURSELF dear.

Instead of coming up with reasons that you should "do" things here to keep this moving along, try coming up with reasons why you shouldn't "do" anything at all - come up with reasons why you need to protect yourself, and you will steer clear of this pain once and for all.

You've wasted months of your life on this man dear and it's gone nowhere. Accept that you cannot make a man love you or want to be with you. Accept that you need to love YOURSELF first. Accept that you need to PROTECT yourself from this pain rather than coming up with reasons to walk headlong straight into it - and all of this will go away dear :-); September 10, 2013 at 9:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror i agree with all your advice but its not that easy to accept that you cannot make a man love you or want to be with you especially when you want so desperately to be with him. That rejection is a huge blow to your ego, makes you feel insecure, unloved, unwanted-how can just easily accept that, let that go and move on??; September 10, 2013 at 11:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 9, 9:41PM,
In these situations dear - and this is VERY IMPORTANT to understand - the only thing you can control is YOURSELF.

You cannot control this man. You cannot make him treat you the way he used to. You cannot make him want the type of relationship you want and you can't make him love and care for you. He has to want those things as well.

Once you understand and ACCEPT that about men, dating and life in general - you find relief.

Meaning, the only thing you can control dear - IS YOU. You're not going to change this man, but you CAN change YOUR situation - you CAN accept that he's unable to make you happy and fulfill your needs and you CAN do something about that.

You can leave him - and find a man that wants what you want and that cares to fulfill your needs.

I realize it's a jagged little pill to swallow, however, if women as a whole began to accept this concept and then proceed accordingly - they would not be stressed out and exhausted attempting to find ways to change the man, change the situation and make things better. Because the reality is that most times, that never happens.

It's much wiser, although more difficult, to accept the reality that's before you, accept that you cannot change/control others - and then make wise decisions for yourself that will lead you to your happiness ;-)

In otherwords, don't be passive about your happiness dear. Don't wait for a man to come along and hand it to you or to morph into your vision of the ideal boyfriend/husband/lover.

Instead, accept the reality of the situation and proactively find your happiness for yourself. Don't waste hours, days, weeks, months and years scheming, strategizing, analyzing and trying and doing, doing, doing constantly to drag things along. It's a lost cause.

Throw you hands in the air, throw caution to the wind - and take flight dear ;-); September 10, 2013 at 2:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 10, 11:32AM,
"Mirror i agree with all your advice but its not that easy to accept that you cannot make a man love you or want to be with you especially when you want so desperately to be with him."

No one said it was going to be easy dear. Doing the right thing is NEVER EASY. Doing the wrong thing and sticking with the status quo is always much easier.

So the first thing you need to do is accept that change is hard, the transition is uncomfortable and the path is not an easy one - but in the end, the investment is well worth it.

"That rejection is a huge blow to your ego, makes you feel insecure, unloved, unwanted - how can just easily accept that, let that go and move on?"

This is where you need to rely on your own personal coping skills dear. Do you have any in place? Have you worked on yourself to hone your coping skills? Because life is always going to throw you curve balls. As buddhists regularly acknowledge, life is suffering dear. And you need to rely on your coping skills to get you through the suffering. That will never change.

So in order to process the emotions and accept the reality, you need to use your coping skills to manage the anxiety that results and you need to come up with ways to successfully do that in a healthy manner. Exercise is a healthy way to burn off the anxiety as is setting time limits to permit yourself to grieve the loss. Meaning, you permit yourself to grieve for 10 minutes and you acknowledge the pain - then - you literally get up and get moving, get active, and distract yourself from those thoughts by participating in a healthy activity be it cleaning, walking, hiking, lunching with friends, shopping, art, a hobby - whatever it is that makes you tick. And if you have nothing that makes you tick, that's a big red flag that you've been investing too much of yourself into others - and it's time for a change.

None of us escapes suffering, pain, grief, loss, disappointment - you name it. It follows you all through life, whether in or out of relationships, and no one is excluded. The only thing you will ever have that you can truly rely on in this world without a doubt dear - is yourself. That's it. No one else. No one is going to give you a magic pill or a magic formula to make suffering go away.

We all have to rely on our personal coping skills to manage the stress and anxiety and develop and hone positive methods of reducing those things so that the sun can shine again someday :-); September 10, 2013 at 2:59 PM
chk61 said...: Thank you for your wise words, Mirror.

BTW, I do want more than physical attraction, of course, and I have been attracted to men who are not considered attractive by society's standards but I have felt more attracted to them through their personality and qualities. I'm certainly open to it.

I will concede this last guy was a typical 'bad boy' and for some reason, I fell for it. He was very intelligent, and had been married with kids (one girl), so I figured he had to have some important life lessons in there. But he apparently has such little regard for me as a human being that I'm just sad about the whole thing. The way he treats people is HIS problem though and it will probably come back to haunt him. Or maybe not, he has outwardly led a fairly charmed life.

It is depressing to think that at 52 I have to try to date people online but there are few alternatives. It is also depressing to think that I will possibly never speak to or hear from him again. Maybe in 6 months he'll get curious and with no contact, I may hear from him but with this guy, all bets are off. And maybe that is just as well

I have been alone for 5 years. And it gets damn lonely. I know for a fact I cannot change him (heck, he's on the online dating site we met on RIGHT NOW with the IM icon lit up). He's certainly not trying to IM me, he is trying to meet someone new.

It stings. But we know I can't change him, I can only change me. So I know I'm going to feel sad about this for a little while but 30 days will fly by, and then I just have to make it to 60, and then 90 days without contact. Hopefully by then he will just be a memory.; September 10, 2013 at 4:36 PM
chk61 said...: How weird. I JUST submitted that comment and I see he has just this second emailed me. I am going for a walk and I need to get my head straight before I read it. Wish me luck, ladies.; September 10, 2013 at 4:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 10, 6:08AM,
"It does appear to be laziness but I think the deeper issue here is a holding back from giving. He laughed about there's no chance of him being under a ball and chain, so I think there is a resistance there."

Uh oh dear. Keep an eye on "holding back from giving" as it's a sign of an emotionally unavailable man (internally) that is "unwilling" (externally). He basically just put you on notice that a relationship is NOT what he's seeking as he's mentally equating them with a loss of freedom :-(

"I need to stop analizing and enjoy myself"

Huh. Okay, LOL. Well, this is a nice way of him saying "Just roll with the punches and don't worry about the REAL issues here. Just enjoy the sex, give me what I want and don't think about it too much." Umm, not good :-(

"pushing my boundaries to accept things."

He's asking you to "settle" for what little he has to give - and to just be happy with that.

"he's saying for me to stop analzing things and that he is interested in me."

FORGET WHAT HE SAYS - and only focus on his ACTIONS dear, as they tell the true tale of his intentions.

"I know I can't do two nights on the row when there is drink involved."

Don't make excuses for him dear. He didn't have to take you out for a DRINK, he could've taken you out to DINNER.

"he's invited me around in the week to make me a meal. I think I'm going to go he will have to take me out on another night"

DO NOT DO THAT dear. If you do, if you signal again that you are willing to "settle" for what little effort he's putting in, trust me on this, it WILL NOT GET BETTER, his efforts will only deteriorate from there. Refuse that date, make up an excuse and DO NOT GO or you will be sorry. You will have "settled" and he will get laid - not fair.

"tell me if I'm expecting too much but there is just an overall sense for me that he's not putting in enough effort to impress me."

He's not, he's being VERY lazy dear and as long as you continue to talk yourself into going along with it, it will only get worse, not better. He's not going to suddenly and miraculously want to give you more, when you've already settled for less on more than one occasion, ya' know?

"He's not got me yet, maybe he thinks he has as I've slept with him."

He definitely thinks you've got him, which is why it's imperative that you refuse his latest lazy date offer for a "hangout" date at his place, like a "buddy" instead of a real respectable date that's meant to impress. If you go along with this again dear, you're going to head straight into "f buddy" territory with him fast, trust me, that's where he'll take this.

Cont. . .; September 10, 2013 at 5:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Does that make me demanding?"

No. But the problem is - you're telling him too much (giving him too many chances for excuses early on) instead of actually SHOWING him you mean business via your ACTIONS (refusing lame date offers from him.) So he's hearing all "talk" yet seeing you show up at his door, coming to him, coming to his place, and then he receives sex - so to him, it's coming across as a woman simply doing what women do, complaining, yet going right along with it. So he's not taking you seriously as a result :-( He needs to see ACTIONS from you so that he knows you're not all talk and you WILL walk away.

"I'm struggling with how to navigate my way through this terrain as it appears the way to go is through actions and not what you say."

Exactly, stop wracking your brain and exhausting yourself attempting to give chances to him for excuses and seeing if he man's up. Instead, just say NO, refuse the date, make up an excuse and send a REAL MESSAGE via your ACTIONS.

Men UNDERSTAND the language of ACTION dear - they use it themselves all the time (when they disappear.)

"not that he's being lazy but he wants to do what he wants to do."

Don't make excuses for him dear. He IS being lazy - period. And so far, it's working for him with you, ya' know? Put an end to that now.

"He's laughed about it and said that there's no way he's being under the thumb and that I have met my match."

Oh man, this guys a danger to you dear. Seriously. If this continues and he continues to get his way with you and on his terms, you're going to get attached - and he's going to bolt. You need to swing into "protection" mode immediately here, refuse this lame date offer, do not go to him anymore for dates, make him come to you and no more sex. If he balks at that, YOU WALK. Better yet, YOU RUN - before this guy really hurts you.

"And then he talks about treating me like princess"

Okay, this guys a jerk honey. I'm sorry, but there it is. He's a danger to your emotional health and he's an overgrown man-child jerk that selfish, self-centered and lazy. When men act like you want "princess" treatment just because you want a burger or dinner before you sleep with them - it's bullshit, it's manipulation, emotional manipulation. He's attempting to make you feel guilty, as if you're asking the world of this him. That's a load of crap and that combined with his other actions and words - BIG RED FLAGS DEAR. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear :-(

You need to realize dear that you can't change this man and you can't control him or make him date you a certain way. But what you CAN DO - is walk away and find a man that's "willing" to treat you well, that's READY for a relationship and isn't an immature, selfish, lazy man.

If it were me, I'd walk right now. I wouldn't answer the phone/text nothing. I'd walk and I'd show him I meant what I said, I mean business. If he man's up and steps up to the plate, so be it. But if he doesn't, thank your lucky stars that you got out and saw the real man before it was too late and your emotions were involved and you got hurt.

I'd have no problem giving this one a solid 30 days of no contact and throwing him on his ass, LOL. He thinks he's a real "mac" with women - I'd thoroughly enjoy schooling him on that otherwise, LOL ;-); September 10, 2013 at 5:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Girls, I want ALL OF YOU to listen to the lyrics of this song VERY CLOSELY. Many of you ask, "why." Why do men do what they do? And many times, the answer is - because they can. And that's what this man in this song is saying.

He's talking about having time on his hands and finding a victim to abuse to entertain himself temporarily while he's bored. He also mentions the woman talking all the time, but never previously being bothered by touching him. So he keeps repeating, touch me, touch me - because that's all he wants. He's bored, seeking some entertainment and has no problem using and abusing another individual in the process:

"Won't you touch me, touch me, i won't let it go. Now i stand, and i feel for more, won't you touch me, touch me, I won't let it go. . .

I've finally found a reason, I don't need an excuse, I've got this time on my hands, you are the one to abuse. . .

Won't you touch me, touch me, never bothered you before. Now i stand, and I feel for more, won't you touch me, touch me. . ."

Don't let this be YOU ladies. Do NOT offer yourself up for abuse at the hands of bored, sociopathic men:

http://youtu.be/Wg-HZd4Lb2Q; September 10, 2013 at 5:36 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Hoopsgirl,
Thank you for finding and sharing that link on e-maintaining. UGH!

@ All,
After reading Ms. Mirror's response to Chk61 re: "attachment disorder," I found this: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eqa_attachment_bond.htm
Instead of this article placing blame, it identifies a disorder that can be treated and fixed. WE can heal OURSELVES by becoming that first required attachment we need to feel safe and secure. By recognizing our own emotional signs and acting on them to take care of ourselves, WE become the caregiver to our child.

It makes sense.

Trust your gut. Listen to and respond affirmatively to your self (and stop worrying about 'the guy.' Take care of yourself first.

@ Chk61,
I am wishing you luck and peace dear. Think about something: What is the worst that can happen if you don't respond quickly to his recent text, if at all? I don't know the answer, but it's something to think about. Do you really want him to know he can get you to jump to his needs?

I'm remembering what my brother told me last year, when I first found Ms. Mirror's site, "Don't give up your Power."

Hugs to All; September 10, 2013 at 7:07 PM
Anonymous said...: whoever comes on here and doesn't take Mirror's advice and thinks they are somehow the exception to the rule are just plain DUMB and you will learn the hard way!!Mirror takes time to respond and she knows what she's talking about so take note and apply her advice!!obviously what we've been doing all along hasn't been working out for us so time to try a new approach and Mirror's is the way to go; September 10, 2013 at 8:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey MOA,
Thank you so much for responding to my question about whether this guy was rubberbanding or being disrespectful. So easy to see things clearly when I read your responses to other ladies but harder to see in my own situtation! haha.
anyway. I agree with everything you said and feel like my eyes are open wide.
Thank you!

Sincerely,
NOT SO (confused) anymore; September 11, 2013 at 3:21 AM
Anonymous said...: In rebuttal to the comments this lady has said below:

'whoever comes on here and doesn't take Mirror's advice and thinks they are somehow the exception to the rule are just plain DUMB and you will learn the hard way!!'

In support of the ladies on here, many are struggling with changing life-long patterns in many cases. This is by no means an easy feat and there can be so much complexity to behavioural patterns that making changes and adhering to them can be extremely difficult and many people do not change until they fall on their arse completely and often even when people are changing there is a twoing and froing between old behaviour and new. People fall off the wagon in recovery, others are lacking in awareness before they even begin to change but does that make them 'DUMB' to quote you, far from it and I would not consider it appropriate or useful in any circumstance to label others in this way.

You know people are vulnerable on here and this is very typical in learning of this nature. This is a forum and a refuge for people to seek advice, encouragement, support to name a few. Furthermore, it is supposed to be a safe place whereby people are not judged when they air their problems and yes sometimes tough love is needed but what I'm hearing from your approach and perspective is bordering on the abusive and stinks of attitude and I'm sorry to have to say that but it needs to be said.

If you've got it cracked then what are you doing on here, if it is to help others then your attitude is inappropriate and perhaps you should leave it to others who have the understanding and ability to help others on their healing journey.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable/angry then maybe you need to look within yourself rather than projecting your feelings onto others.; September 11, 2013 at 11:30 AM

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