"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

How Do You Value Yourself?

When dating, it's important to maintain a healthy self-esteem. It's crucial that you value yourself if you want others to see you as valuable.

Having said that, many find (particularly women), that this is easier said than done. But there are ways to recognize your value and then project that worth to others maintaining pure confidence without the appearance of ego and arrogance.

You see, as women, many of us are taught (even if not by words) that the more you do, the more you give, the more you love - the more you will be loved. And that's simply untrue. The reality is that behaving like that with people (other than your children and a grateful husband - keyword, grateful) will most likely lead to you being taken for granted and will lead to others viewing you with a lower perceived value.

When dating, women tend to feel the need to "do" things that they erroneously believe will lead others to love them for it. Is he an alcoholic? "I can save him, he just needs someone to love him." Is he a narcissist? "Oh he loves me, he just can't show it." Is he a user? "He said he wanted to be with me but after we had sex, he disappeared." There's a common theme in each of these situations if you look closely. And that theme is that in each scenario, the woman is "doing" something to keep this going. With the alcoholic, she's babysitting to an extent. With the narcissist, she's making excuses. And with the user, she's providing sexual favors. In each of these scenarios, the woman is giving more of herself than she should be and is expecting to be loved in return.

How often do you think that really ends up being the case?

Not very often at all. And there's another theme running through each of those examples above. And that theme is one of value. In each scenario, the woman is undervaluing herself. She's in denial more or less and via her actions, signals that this is the best she feels she deserves. In each of these scenarios, the woman doesn't know her value as a human being and this causes her to settle for less.

Do you know your value? Let's find out.

How Do You Value Yourself?

How Much Do You Understand the Concept of Perception? (Observing)

How people perceive you depends highly on how you perceive yourself. If you talk yourself down, point out your flaws and share all your fears on the first few dates, basically giving the man 20 reasons he should NOT be interested in you, then guess what happens? He finds himself less interested in you. Not because of what HE thinks of you, but because of what YOU think about YOURSELF. You valued yourself low and as human nature would have it, thus influenced his overall decision about you.

People like to be around positive energy, and confidence is positive and very powerful. So you need to understand the direct connection between how you perceive yourself and how others will ultimately perceive you as a result.

How Much Do You Understand the Value of Selfishness When Done Without Malice? (Protecting)

I know, I know. You're thinking, "What the heck? How can being selfish ever be a good thing?" Well ladies, it can, it can be a very good thing - when done without malice and for the greater good - that "good" being YOU. I'm not telling you to be selfish to the point of harming others. I'm telling you to be selfish when it comes to protecting yourself from others.

Stop "doing, doing, doing" all the time. Cut yourself some slack. People will still love you, even if you don't act like an appliance for them. Women are at it 24/7 generally with busy careers, running a household, caring for others, children, etc. This causes women to have to "wear the pants" in many situations. But when dating, drop those drawers ladies (not literally, of course) - put on that dress, and let someone care for you for once. Let someone treat you special, let someone make you feel good about yourself.

If this individual doesn't do that for you, then you move on. Simple as that, you move on; you become selfish. And you acknowledge what you need from a man to make you happy - and you don't ever settle for less than that. Keep looking until you find it. Because it's what you deserve.

How Much Do You Trust Yourself? (Trusting)

When your gut's rumbling, do you listen to it? Or do you dismiss it and plow full steam into "danger" of sorts, attempting to convince yourself that you can somehow manage to navigate a tricky situation? Because, if you don't trust yourself, then how can you expect others to trust you? Trust is huge in relationships and it doesn't just exist between two individuals, it exists within yourself as well.

If you second guess yourself constantly, those around you will certainly pick up on your distrust of yourself. As a result, your credibility with them begins to wane. Trust yourself and build your credibility.

How Much Do You Think for Yourself and Trust Your Own Judgment? (Thinking)

Women are analytical thinkers, there's no doubt about that. But when analyzing situations, are you leaning on others to guide you or are you trusting your own judgment? (One of those situations where trust plays a role again.) If you tend to lean on others to think for you and to judge situations for you more than you think for yourself and use your own judgment skills - then you don't trust your own judgment.

Stop worrying about what others think and about what they're thinking. Focus on what you think.  In the end, your opinion is the only one that matters and if you trust your gut, it'll never steer you wrong.

How Much Does Your Self-Worth Come From "Without" Instead of Within? (Behavior)

If you find that you are always competing and always trying to live up to someone's expectations of you, then guess what? Your self-worth is coming from "without" - it's stemming from "lack." Because you feel you "lack" on some level, you then strive to "fill" yourself up from the outside and use that individuals reaction as an indicator of your self-worth.

Your self-worth should come from within. Relax, stop "doing," stop trying so hard to "fix" everything, stop giving more than you receive - and see how fulfilled you suddenly become.

How Much of a Set of Standards Do You Have That You Adhere To? (Belief)

When you have a set of personal standards that you adhere to, particularly when dating, it basically constructs your personal belief system.  If you adhere to that set of standards, then your beliefs stand strong. And if you stand strong in your beliefs, nothing, and I mean nothing, can influence you into doing anything other than that which falls in line with them.

Develop a set of personal beliefs and then stick to them.  Don't let anarchy reign, set some healthy boundaries for yourself and with others.

Take the Test

To find out just how much you do, or do not, value yourself, go through each question above and then jot down a number of 1- 10 that most closely relates to "how much" regarding the answer to that question. Total the numbers of your answers.

If you ended up with a total that's 20 and under, you do not value yourself.  If you've ended up with a total that's 21 -40, then you're halfway there. If you've ended up with a total 41-60, then give yourself a big pat on the back.

A Healthy Sense of Value and Self-Worth

To build a healthy self-esteem, confidence, and a strong sense of value and self-worth, it is necessary to "align" yourself properly and I believe that there are six main areas of focus necessary to do that. I've listed these six areas in parenthesis above as each question addresses one: Observing, Protecting, Trusting, Thinking, Behavior and Belief.

If you align your observations, you heighten your skills of protection. If you trust in those observations and the actions necessary to protect yourself, then your thinking becomes more clear. And once you're thinking becomes more clear, your behavior tends to fall in line and begins to solidify with your beliefs.  It brings to mind an old quote by Mahatma Ghandi:

"Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny."

Trust me ladies, focusing and working on these six areas mentioned above is going to empower you.  You're going to trust yourself, you're going to feel in control, you will know what you will and won't tolerate from others, you will be comfortable setting clear and firm boundaries, you will know what it is that you truly believe in, your skills of observation and protection will kick into high gear and you will never question yourself again.

Most importantly, you will not find yourself being acted upon by others.

Your "dog" days are over, ladies:

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 23, 2:37 PM,
"What do you think?"

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested, is to see if he pursues her.

"Should I just let him call me?"

It's the only way you're going to know if he's genuinely interested.

"Should I call him?"

I would not pursue a man that has disappointed me and shown me that he's not a man of his word.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I'm just not putting alot into it. But I'm having a hard time figuring out what the heck is wrong with me or if there is. Or am I just experiencing something normal...What do you think?"

I think it's as you stated, "I'm not looking for a relationship."

As humans, we only put the effort into goals we genuinely want to achieve. If entering into a relationship is not a goal for you right now, then it only makes sense that you wouldn't devote a lot of effort to it ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I hope all is well. Well let me get right to it.

I started a new job last week and I had an instant connection with one of my co-workers. He's funny, he's a comedian on the side! We had lunch on my first day. During the lunch, he told me some sexual comments and made some sexual advances. The next day he came to my car and we chatted and then he asked me for a kiss. Im not going to lie, i was/am drawn to him in a sexual way but i am also feeling something else. When we kissed, he said Wow that kiss tells hin something different about me. He said that I just dont go around "fucking". I told him thay he is right. That I am a lady. He then telling me how excited I make him feel and then he exposed himself to me. Yes I know this is a form of sexual harassment. But my mind is not there especially since we had an instant connection. Yes I am attracted to him also. He's 40 and im 37. We bith are aingle, dont have any kids. Both are professionals. Over this past weekend I was around his neighborhood hanging out with my friend. I told her abour him and she suggestions that I call him to see if he was able to come hang with us for a little while. Long story short, we did including his friend. While around a couple of his friends, he introduced me and my friend. Then he made a comment to one of his friends asking him if he should invite me to there church. Telling them how cute/sexy and sweet I am. Later on we kind of separated from my friend and his. We chatted some more and again alot of sexual tension was obvious. He tells me that he wants me(sexually) and I want him also. He told me this afternoon that he doesn't know what he wants. He's only been in 2 serious relationships. Wow! He text me a good afternoon this morning. These last couple of days he'll send me a good morning text and always complimenting me.

Mirror, I like him and yes I want to sleep with him. BUT it's complicated that we work together and he doesn't know what he wants. Then he told me that he can't be with a woman that doesn't know her worth. If I give myself to him without him proving himself, would I be devaluing myself amd making it too easy for him? I know my worth but do you think that this is a waste of time? Should I just keep it cordial work relationship? Im also feeling something different with him from any other guy that I have ever been with. I just can't put my finger on it. My friend said that he's my type of guy and that we look good together. I've been single now for a year. I would like to date and all the fun stuff. I have known some people to start there relationship off with sex first and now they're married and enjoying life from the outside.

Mirror I need your expertise.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 11, 2:55 PM,
"If I give myself to him without him proving himself, would I be devaluing myself and making it too easy for him?"


"I know my worth but do you think that this is a waste of time?"

This man is in his 40's and has only had 2 committed relationships his entire life. He's clearly a bit averse to commitment, and honestly. . .his sexual behavior is a bit deviant to me.

By the second day on your new job, he was exposing himself to you in the parking lot.

This man is NOT a gentleman. And he did NOT treat you with respect. And he likely behaves like this with all women. You don't go around exposing your private parts in the parking lot to new women on the job just because you decided to do it one day.

If he was comfortable with that, it's because he's done it before - a LOT.

This does not sound like a man seeking a relationship. He does not treat women respectfully. He doesn't even value himself (he's exposing himself to someone he's just met). His behavior sounds a bit deviant. He may have even lost jobs over this behavior in the past. He sounds like he just wants sex from you and nothing else (he's not interested in getting to know you) - he sounds like he just wants to use you.

This is not boyfriend material dear :-(

If you want to hookup, then I suppose a guy like this would be the one to do that with, because you won't have to take him seriously. But if you're seeking a committed relationship, I'm don't feel he's the type of guy cut out for one unfortunately.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I'm back in the dating scene and it's another kind of world. I need to get straight to the point because I don't have much time to write lol.

I recently met a guy that is 9 years younger than me. I'm in my late 30's. He tells me that he's mature for his age. I told him well see. He kept telling me that he is going on a trip with his cousin to Miami for his bday. Before he left, we had conversations on the phone and even met him on the whim, he had called me to let me know that he was on my side of town. We live about 40 minutes apart. He's an insurance sales agent. During one of our phone conversations, he bluntly asked if I was trying to see him. That caught me off guard. And then my response was no. I would have prefer you said I would like to see you. He paused and said oh I didn't know I was that blunt. I had to remind him that I am no longer in my 20's. He's a texter and I'm not all into it. So the last text I decided to call him. I told him that maybe I'm old fashioned but it feels good to hear your voice. A text saying just thinking of you, on my way, or good morning/night are sweet. So when we met on a whim he noted that he called me. I took it as a sarcastic remark so I responded, such a good boy and laughed. During our meet, he told me that he'll like to get to know me. I was shocked and asked him what does that mean. Then topics got changed. I think I changed it. He's a touchy feely guy and he asked me a couple of times in regards to some sexual comments. I told him that I am not comfortable talking about that it's too early. He'll then make comments like I won't be able to handle him so I'll rush off the phone. The last time I saw him and talked to him was last Saturday. He told me that he was leaving on the 29th of August, Wednesday. So when that day came I sent him a few pictures of me granted he had already asked for some of me and I had refused. I told him to not be a stranger while out of town. Now it has almost been a week and I haven't heard from him. So I have decided to write him off. What do you think about this situation? What are some other ways that this could be handled?

Then I met a guy at work. He had invited me to a boxing party at a local bar. He then said he will email me the details. So I received his email and he also included his cell. I told him a few days later that I'll be there. I had texted him to let him know that I had +1. Then the day of the fight, the party was cancelled. He sent me a text of the cancellation and that there going somewhere else and he offered me the invite but I declined. Then he kept texting me long messsges. Ugh! At this point I'm getting annoyed by all of the texting. He'll send me Good morning text or hi or good night. Sweet! Then the other day he Instant Message me at work. I fell into the long back and forth messaging. Then when I realized he began asking some personal questions.i don't do that in the workplace. So I replied that I may be old fashioned message and it'll feel good to hear his voice. He then responded that it sounded reasonable. So we IM about work stuff.I can't complain about that. Then the next day I get a text from him about a few people from the office doing a happy hour. I decided to call him since I was driving when I got the text. Was I wrong? Should I have not responded and just let him call? Especially when I let him know about the texting thing already. He's in his 40s. So yesterday I get a hi text from him. I didn't immediately respond until this morning with a hi back. Then later this morning i get a GM text from him. Ugh! So annoying. Why guys do not use their phones to call anymore? Should I respond or just let it be. If he wants to talk to me, he can call. What do you think mirror? How should I handle thing like this when I am meeting guys?

piscesgirl said...

Hey ladies! ive been getting the question so why are you still single a lot lately from both guys and girls. I don't think they mean it as being insulting or anything because they'll say you're so pretty and have a good head on your shoulders and your smart etc so how come. But for some reason I feel like I get on the defense I just take it as them saying so what's wrong with you that at your age (32) your not married or at least in a committed relationship and when I think about it I know there's more than one reason. I did have a lot of insecurities growing up. Boys were never interested in me i was bullied for my looks by both girls and guys (i was called big nose and thunder thighs) and it wasn't till college when i lost weight and grew into my nose and building a little confidence that guys started to show any interest in me and talking to me but i still felt self conscious and talking t some guys even till this day still gives me anxiety and makes me nervous. Also my culture affected my dating life because it was very strict growing up i was told i would be disowned if i didn't marry someone from the same culture/religion. In fact dating wasn't even allowed so i never had much freedom to go out there and explore especially while living at home and i didn't move out till late 20's because again the culture never encouraged women living alone it was just expected that you get married and be a mother and housewife. So my own insecurities and culture played a big part and of course choosing the wrong guys never helped and now here i am getting asked that annoying question all the time and i don't want to have to explain all of the above so any tips or pointers on how to confidently answer that question without having to delve into your past too much. Sometimes ill throw it right back at the person asking and ill say well how come your still single but i want to be able to give a good confident answer again without having to over explain myself. Also im still working on myself continuously trying to improve and one way is by not letting those disappearing/reappearing men come back into my life ...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 1, 12:48 PM,
"I told him to not be a stranger while out of town. Now it has almost been a week and I haven't heard from him. So I have decided to write him off. What do you think about this situation?"

I wouldn't be too concerned. You're not in a committed relationship with this man. Therefore, you cannot expect relationship type communication (i.e. regular, committed). You are only casually dating this man. And the definition of "casual" is "irregular and not committed.

"Was I wrong? Should I have not responded and just let him call?"

At this point, this man is simply a friend. You're not casually dating him. I would've simply responded to the text at a time convenient to me and let him know whether or not I could make it and let it go at that.

"Should I respond or just let it be. If he wants to talk to me, he can call. What do you think mirror?"

I would probably just let him know that I really don't like texting, and that if he needs to reach me, it's best to just call because I can leave texts unanswered for days. I would tell my friends the same thing, and this man is just a friend at this point. I wouldn't explain why, because you're not even dating this man.

"How should I handle thing like this when I am meeting guys?"

Simply tell that that you don't like texting and that if they'd like to reach you, it's best to just call you because texts can go unanswered for days. So if they need to reach you, it's best to call.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Sometimes ill throw it right back at the person asking and ill say well how come your still single but i want to be able to give a good confident answer again without having to over explain myself."

Simply say, "I'm single by choice. I'm waiting for the right man to come along. One that's worth an investment from me."

If you become defensive, then it appears as if you're NOT the one in control of your happiness and you're simply reacting to that fact emotionally.

When you provide the answer I've stated above, you give the appearance that you are the one in control of your own happiness, and you're being choosy about who you make an emotional investment into.

You are letting those that inquire know that your're a wise, emotionally intelligent woman. As a result, men that are unworthy are passed over by you. And only those that prove themselves worthy of your time and attention are the ones that actually receive it ;-)

piscesgirl said...

Thank you Mirror so much you are so right about that! that is a short simple answer and its not getting defensive or reacting emotionally and you know what it is true! its not like guys aren't asking me out but right now at this stage in my life i'm really only interested in people and things that I see potential in.
So I have something to share..there is one guy who's been asking me out for a while now. I haven't given him a chance because I wasn't too interested in him to be honest. He's one of those gym guys who spends hours working on building his big muscles and always posting selfies on instagram in those tight muscle shirts. Anyways, yesterday he messaged me and said that when he's in town we should go for dinner and dancing and I told him I dont really like dancing but i like food which is true lol but i didn't give him a straight yes or no answer. Later in the evening he posted something on IG that was about a woman having a baby at age 30 and it broke down her age and then her kids age as the years progressed and at the end the post said there's a slim chance she will live to see her grandkids and then he put the caption '#factsoflife"... lol' and right away I knew he intended it for me and I was pissed off. He was trying to make me feel self conscious about my age and that my clock was ticking and I was running out of time so that I can get on it and start dating him and get knocked up. Anyways I messaged him right away and told him not every female wants or desires to have kids and that's the truth. I never had a strong urge or desire to have children though I love babies and I adore my baby nephew who is 7 months old. But I also like my sleep and the freedom to come and go as I please and not be responsible for another human life at this stage in my life. And he seemed surprised like oh you don't want to have a kid? I was like no I don't not for the time being and definitely not just with anybody! it is a huge responsibility and that's not one I would take lightly. He's like so you found my post offensive and I said yes it is offensive and what if a woman in her 30s was struggling with infertility and she sees that and it makes her feel bad -like what a moron. Then I told him you could even die tomorrow and not be around to see your future kids -our time here on earth is not guaranteed for any one of us regardless of age or gender. i told him i know why he posted that and what his intent was. I wasn't going to say anything about it when he posted it on IG (instagram) but then he also posted it on Snapchat and i felt compelled to call him out on it. Next thing I know he blocks me on Snapchat where we were messaging.Ughh What a loser!!! i blocked him on my IG but i just wanted to mention this because i can not stand guys like that who use that approach to try to snag a female (make her feel self conscious and insecure) and im so glad i never gave that loser a chance. He can continue building his muscles but to me he's a weak ass male. Real men uplift women they don't try to make them feel self conscious about their age or ability to have children and be around to see their future grandchildren. I told my mom and she was pissed she said how dare he and if a woman just has a baby because she can she would be like cattle it has to happen with the right person at the right time..ugh guys like that are seriously the worst. They think they have an advantage when a woman gets older because they can start making her feel self conscious like she is running out of time to find a man and have a baby and ive read this in forums by guys that's how some think that after a woman turns 30 the tide turns for them. Fact -Prince Harry (32) is dating Meghan Markle (36) and i think he wants kids and it doesn't seem to matter to him and he's royalty so these losers who have nothing much going for them but big muscles need to just sit down and shut up.

piscesgirl said...

(continued)...honestly I should've kept it simple and straightforward and told him even if I was desperate for a baby-which im not I still wouldn't date you but nice try!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
It's Sophia again, the one who got married last year :)
How have you been and hope all is good!

I've been great!! I come to update another chapter of my life.

Since day one, my husband has been showering me love, attention, and respect even after the marriage.

Yes of course we have our ups and downs, but we always manage to talk it out and find solutions, and I guess that's how you learn and grow from each other.

I can't appreciate more how God sent this man to me, and I cherish my life with him each and every day.
We communicate our thoughts, we discuss every little details, and we share our loves and interests every moment. No more guessing, no more secrets, and no more insecurity at all. I trust him fully, which I have never felt this from my ex.
I really thought I needed a therapist when I was with my ex, with all those negative feelings and panaroid were really driving me crazy.

But then, my husband give me peace of mind, and I feel I'm back to my old self.
That confident, happy, bright little woman :)

Anyways.. I'm not here to brag about my husband, I'm giving an update that
we are having a baby!!
It's a total surprise but we are ready for it :)
It's due April next year (OMG!!)

All I wanted to say is, if you asked me 2 years back, you ever thinking getting married and have a child in 2 short years? I'd roll my eyes and say you are insane.
But look at me now, life has taken a sharp turn for me, the life I thought was never going to happen to me. So don't give up girls, if it could happen to me, it could happen to any of you!

Best wishes,


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

WOW! Good for you, I'm so very happy for you!

And thank you for taking the time to return to this site and share your story, which shows other women that good things do come to those who -- value themselves ;-)

Congratulations on your pregnancy! A new chapter in the book of life's journey for you is about to be written.

Enjoy it!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I hope this finds you well. I'll get straight to the story. I need your AWESOME input on this situation.

Almost last year, I reconnected with a guy from my past. We have been intimate at least 2-3 times a month. A few times this year, he had tried to take me on a trip but our schedules never worked. He's living arrangement sucks. At the moment, he lives in his friends basement. However, he's been working the same job for more than 10 years with benefits/retirement. To me our connection is VERY complicated. We are not in a relationship (we've never talked about it or him ever asking me). At one point, he was staying over my house from time to time. He would eat and take showers and lay in my bed while I'm at work. Yes I trust him. His lifestyle is ridiculous though. He gambles; ALOT ALOT! He has never asked me for money. He refuses. He would always ask me for a key to my place, but I would always tell him that I have to meet his mother and kids. All I know are his friends, one brother and one cousin. This went on for months. Then last month, I was trying to break it off by telling him that I like, I think just a little too much. Probably to much to just be friends. This is why I'm not sure we should continue this situation unless you feel the same way. Of course, he said yeah and nothing more. This past January, he was pursuing me really hard to be in a relationship with him, but I wasn't ready. Recently, this month I gave him a key to my place because I got tired of him calling me late in the night asking if he could come over. Sometimes we're initimate and other times we're not. There was one time when we both wake up saying it feels really good sleeping next to each other. I'm not dating anyone, but I would love to. He knows that I talk to other guys and that I am ready to get out and date. I have been on at least 3 different dates this year, but nothing has gone any further than the 1st date. Back to my place, he cleans his mess up. I really appreciate that. When I ask him for some money, he'll give it to me without asking any questions. At one time, he would express his feelings to me. Now he won't talk about the matters of his heart. I've also told him that I know that I'm not the only woman that he is sleeping with. He tells me that he doesn't have time. I don't believe it! He is an attractive guy. He is very likable and sociable and fun to be around. He doesn't get mad. I tell him he has a "don't care" attitude and that can be dangerous. He tells me that he is a man and just knows how to let things go that doesn't affect him (money or kids). He tells me that I'm sweet. I really like him. He knows his situation is not the best, he is trying to make it better. Although I really like him because he has saw me at my most vulnerable times: loss of work, car broke down, divorce, new job, dating other guys. I just don't know what to do with him. I cannot seem to make up my mind. He won't talk about his heart to me. I've told him that I love him with my why's. He always tells me that he cannot tell me how I feel. When I told him the first time. He got to talking too much and he said the he feels the same way about me. He just never said the words. This was a couple of months ago. I told him that I love him again and he says nothing. I don't think I am making a fool of myself. He has helped me and helped build my confidence/esteem back up when I was at my lowest points. Now I just don't know what to do with him. Mirror, please help me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 1, 5:47 PM,
"I reconnected with a guy from my past. At the moment, he lives in his friends basement. His lifestyle is ridiculous though. He gambles; ALOT ALOT!"

Likely the reason why he lives in his friends basement.

"He would always ask me for a key to my place"

If you do that, before you know it -- he'll be living with you next.

"Now I just don't know what to do with him."

Well - you both appear to be non-committal LOL ;-)

Taking that into consideration begs the question. . .why do you feel the need to do anything with him at all? If you're both behaving in a non-committal fashion and neither is pressuring for a relationship, then why feel the need to make a decision?

In other words, why pressure yourself like this if things are fine the way they are?

He's not pressuring you. You're pressuring yourself, and that doesn't sound like it's necessary at the moment. So you might want to think about WHY you're doing that to yourself. Is it because you want to move on but feel trapped with him? Is it because you feel like this relationship is going nowhere? Is it because society and/or family places expectations of commitment onto you and you feel the need to respond? Or is it because you want more from him and are ready to take it to the next step?

If you can drill down to the real issue that's creating this pressure for yourself, you may be able to answer your own question about what to do with him.

Because that answer really depends on whatever it is that you see subconsciously as the "problem" that needs solved via a decision right now.

If you simply don't want to be in limbo with him anymore, and you want to either move on, or commit to a relationship with him -- then this needs to be discussed with him. You need to be honest with him and tell him that you don't want to do this forever, so now's the time - is a relationship to be, or not to be?

If it's because you'd like to move on but feel trapped with him - then you need to begin to distance yourself from him, take back your key (or get your lock changed), and see him less and less -- so that you free your heart and mind for the right man to come along and have a place in each.

That's what I mean about the "problem" actually determine the answer for what to do with him. You need to figure out what it is that YOU WANT FIRST. . .and then proceed accordingly with the proper actions in order to make that happen ;-)

Because the answer for what to do with him, is determined by what YOU want for YOURSELF.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

This is anonymous from yesterday. I also met another guy online about 2 weeks ago who lives in another state. We chatted on the phone a few times and I recall during one of our discussion about our dislike with texting messaging and being a "text buddy". I let him know that I am not able to build intimacy and that I prefer to chat on the phone. Well a few days later, he would text me "Good morning". Now that is fine, a good morning, afternoon or evening text; on my way, just thinking about you. Little short texts are fine with me. But a full blown out conversation via text; is a null and void with me. So one day last week, I had fell asleep early, so we hadn't talked. I woke up to a few text messages from him and then one of the text rubbed me the wrong way. It stated, "when daddy check on you he expects prompt response". Umm, yeah okay! first of all, I only have one daddy and secondly, that to me sounded very controlling. Super Red Flag for me! I responded letting him know that I had fell asleep. I was hoping he would have called me so that we could talk about that "daddy" comment, but he never called. Instead, he text me. And, I noticed that we were texting back and forth; having a conversation through text. Oops! I stopped immediately. As soon as I stopped, he called me but then quickly hung-up and texted me again. I became annoyed. So I ignored the rest of his text. He text a few more times and I ignored them as well. The the next morning, he text saying that he hadn't heard back from me. Umm, I told myself, that if he is really interested in me, he would just call me. I was wrong! So I just let him be. Then a couple of days later, I received a message from him from the online dating site, saying that "not sure what i did or said but it was really nice getting to know you". I didn't respond. I asked myself, why isn't he not calling me. Ugh!!! Then this morning, I awake to a sad face emoji from him. Come on now, really!!! He needs to just call me. I don't see what the problem is especially when we both talked about calling instead of texting.

The other guy I am talking to from the same site seems to be more interested and we had the same conversation about calling more than texting. That man calls me everyday just about. Sends me a good morning or good night text. And when we talk, its very refreshing and we're on the phone for more than an hour. With him doing most of all of the talking :)

I told my friend girl about the situations and she told me to put my feet in his shoes, he may have think I have blew him off. Then she started to tell me about her experiences with a few guys from the same site that she has been talking to. With her examples, she told me that one of them she had been ignoring all day, but she received at least 3 calls and a few texts from him. The other guy she is also talking to, called and text her as well. He actually called her a couple of times and left a voicemail. I told her that both of the men seem to be interested in her so they are pursuing you and not just texting you a story book... she told me that I had a point.

Mirror- Am I missing something here? What are your thoughts? How should I handle this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Tue, Nov 14, 9:00 AM,
"We chatted on the phone a few times and I recall during one of our discussion about our dislike with texting messaging and being a "text buddy". . .I don't see what the problem is especially when we both talked about calling instead of texting."

When a man's WORDS do NOT align with his ACTIONS - it's a big warning that something is amiss.

In life, it's always best to ignore and individual's words and simply focus on their actions -- because ACTION tells the TRUE tale. Words are simply words.

This man's actions are not aligning with his words.

We can then safely deduce that during the conversation that was originally held with him when he claimed equal dislike of text relationships, he must've simply been repeating back to you what he thought you wanted to hear.

Otherwise known as bullshitting LOL ;-)

Hence the importance of ignoring words and focusing on actions to discern the truth. Many men, not all but many (that are insecure and lack true social skills), will simply tell a woman what she wants to hear. It happens every single day. And as a woman, it's something we all need to be aware of and accept, so that we learn how to spot when it's taking place and make the best decision for ourselves about the man's character as a result.

"I told my friend about the situations and she told me to put my feet in his shoes, he may have think I have blew him off."

I know your friend means well dear, and she's displaying compassion which is a good thing. However, it's been my experience that friends don't always give the best advice.

They are geared more towards "encouraging" - us to make complete fools of ourselves for a man LOL ;-)

That's not their intention. They think they're encouraging us to do good. Their intention is to support us in taking chances. But the reality is that following advice like that in spite of evidence to the contrary and taking uncalculated risks with our hearts, emotions and confidence - simply is not wise.

As human beings, our hearts, confidence and emotional states are fragile. They require protection. They are not to be risked without full thought to the consequences of those risks.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Then she started to tell me about her experiences with a few guys from the same site . . .she received at least 3 calls. . .The other guy called her a couple of times and left a voicemail"

See what I mean LOL?

She's encouraging you to give the benefit of doubt to a full grown man that held a conversation with you about this very topic and was 100% agreeable with you on it - yet has not followed through in his actions.

Why bother issuing the benefit of doubt to this man? Why bother making excuses for him? He's not "in the dark" about this issue, he had an entire conversation about it with you. He doesn't need to guess what happened. He simply needed to follow through with his actions to prove himself trustworthy - WORTHY of your time and focus.

He failed to do so. As a result, he's proved himself to be unworthy of your trust, time and focus.

Is that really the kind of man you want to date anyway? One that's already showing you that he's not trustworthy, lacks follow through, is lazy and inconsistent, is not a man of his word, and is quite possibly playing emotional games with women online. . .simply spoon feeding them what he thinks they want to hear, treating them like mindless fools that are easily manipulated by some flowery words.

When dating, it's important to pay attention to subtle details that give us insights into a man's character. When they show us they lack the very values that are required to have, and maintain, committed relationships -- why waste your time any further?

Those are "good time guys." You wanna' go out and have a good time without any expectations, those guys are your man. But if it's a relationship you seek, you need to date men that show you they've got what it takes to have and maintain a healthy one with a woman.

Men who fib, lie, blow smoke up your butt, horse around and play games, don't follow through, are inconsistent, disrespectful, rude, don't know how to treat a woman and are basically flying by the seat of their pants in search of their next "good time" are not relationship kinda' guys. They don't have what it takes for the long haul.

You don't want to date men like that if you're seeking a relationship. They are to be immediately "disqualified." Don't waste your time getting caught up with them. They'll bullshit you for years and before you know it, you've wasted 2, 3, 4 or more years on a man that is basically incapable of growing up emotionally and "settling down" into a committed relationship and all of the work that goes along with it.

Focus your time and energy on good men dear. Mature men that show you their intentions are authentic and genuine. Men with follow through. Men of action. Men that see what they want, and are willing to do the work to earn the success of acquiring it. Whether that be a professional pursuit or romantic pursuit. Anything worth having requires lots of hard work.

You're a real prize to be won. That's how you need to think of yourself. Not to the point of being narcissistic and unbearable about it. But to the point that you value yourself enough that you know your true worth. And you only devote your time and energy to men that prove themselves to be your equal in that respect.

You only devote your time and energy to men that show you they're aware of your value, and that they're willing to do the work required to win you over, thereby taking you "off the market" and making you unavailable to other men ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror...

Dating these days is so hard! Dating online takes away the traditional fun way of dating. So many games are being played on the many dating websites. Here's my issue and lack of understanding these site:

1. Should I follow-up with the man that I have a scheduled meet up to ensure we're still meeting? Especially since there hasn't been any communication from the first conversation and scheduling to meet.

2. This thing about "oversharing". When I do my best to not overshare, the guy likes to dig deeper with questions and then I am left with not knowing exactly what to say or be vague instead I tell more of my story. I don't like this. Is there any way to overcome this? I don't want to lie because being Honest,Transparency and Accountability is very important to me

3. Should I voluntary give my number to a guy that I may be corresponding with online instead of waiting for him to ask? I found that when the guy asks if I would like to exchange number, I feel much better. Than just voluntary giving my number so that we could continue our corresponding. I am more of a caller than a texter/emailer....

What should I do? I need your suggestions

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 25, 1:28 PM,

"Should I follow-up with the man that I have a scheduled meet up to ensure we're still meeting?"

No. Doing so places you into the weaker position of power. That action signals to the man that you're waiting, and possibly expecting, for him to disappoint you. That tells him you've been through that before, and that's it's affected you. In a nutshell, it tells him that you're a bit insecure.

Nefarious men will take that knowledge and use it to yank you around and play games. They'll do things to "trigger" your insecurities to get a reaction from you.

NEVER let a total stranger see you sweat - never let them know your weaknesses right up front like that.

Instead, you proceed as if the man IS going to show up. Sure, you may get stood up, but at least you showed you were the confident one that didn't worry about getting stood up, you showed up, and you followed through on your obligation to him.

That places you into the power position.

And if that man stands you up. . .he's now in the weaker position of power and you know he's pretty much a cowardly game player ;-) And you can move forward holding your head high.

"When I do my best to not overshare, the guy likes to dig deeper with questions and then I am left with not knowing exactly what to say or be vague instead I tell more of my story."

Be careful. You meet a LOT of men in online dating sites that do this for all the wrong reasons. They "dig" for your weaknesses, so that they can then "trigger" them later on (in order to make you more vulnerable to their advances).

Not every man does that. But I'm sad to say there are many who do take advantage.

So simply give the brief synopsis of "your story" and then quickly change the topic by posing a question back TO THEM. Example:

Him: "So how did your last relationship end and where did you live?"

You: "We both just realized that the relationship wasn't progressing. At the time, we lived in NYC. How about you? How did your last relationship end?"

That way, you've shared, you've provided an answer, and now you're directing his questions back at him to do the same for you ;-)

It's not necessary to provide a total stranger with all the dirty, nitty gritty details of the breakdown of a previous relationship or otherwise. The simple straight answer is "it just didn't work out."

That's not a lie. And that answer doesn't amount to oversharing. The dirty details are none of his business at this time (because he's still a stranger).

"Should I voluntary give my number to a guy that I may be corresponding with online instead of waiting for him to ask?"

You can - if he's a man you wish to speak directly to.

But it's best to wait and see if the man asks for it. That way, you get to gauge the level of his interest in you. Men who are only half interested won't ask for your number and will simply "text buddy" you endlessly (eventually shooting for a hookup). Men who are genuinely interested will ask for your number because they'll have a desire to get to know you better as a person.

So if a man doesn't ask about say, six or ten emails. . then he's done the work for you. You know he's not genuinely interested (and he's fine with being pen pals).

If a man does ask for your number. . .then he's done the work for you. You know he's genuinely interested and worth more of your time and attention.

Either way, doing nothing is actually doing something. . .and you'll get your answer in time because the man's ACTIONS (or lack thereof) will provide you with it ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, its @Anonymous Nov 25, 1:28 PM... thank you for your feedback. It makes alot of sense. Gladly to say, that they guy did not stand me up but I was not interested as he kept yelling out the he is "broke". LOL... what woman wants to have a "BROKE" guy in their life. NOT ME!!! So I carry on. Now I am experiencing this and not sure of the best way to respond without being defensive.

There is another guy that I have been speaking with. We met the day after I had met the "BROKE" guy. This met we hit it off. He asked me for a REAL date that is coming up in the next few days. Since then we have been talking on the phone consistently. He calls me about daily, like 3 or 5 times and our conversations flows from serious to fun to laughing to whatever. There have been a few times that we've spoken and it seems that all the men that I have met and dated in my life says the same thing that is, "when I call, I want an immediate response". Why is this? So my response everytime is that you're not my father/daddy, I don't know you. Or who do you think you are??? I have a life too...

Mirror, what does this say to you? how should I handle this? what should I say?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 5, 2017 1:16 PM,
"I was not interested as he kept yelling out the he is "broke"."

Not to sound rude or ignorant but seriously - I do not understand why men who are not prepared in life to be a provider of some sort, even in small ways, feel they're entitled to date and mate.

Guys, listen up. If you're broke, you really have no business dating.

And before you bash me, let me explain why. When a woman sleeps with you, she places herself at risk of bearing your offspring. If you're broke, how are you going to provide her your offspring? How are you going to put a roof over their head and food on the table for them?

I was just watching that nightmare of a TV show, 90 Day Fiance, the other day. There's an older man courting a much younger woman from Thailand. He asked for her hand in marriage. In that culture, as a man, you literally barter for the woman's hand in marriage with her parents.


This guy was - broke. He borrowed the money from his friend to give to her parents, after he chiseled it down from their asking price.

Red flag #1 for the parents. But they conceded their daughters hand to him.

Okay, great. However, were they wise to do that? Apparently not. Because this woman leaves her entire family behind in Thailand and comes to America with this guy. . .to live in his buddies spare bedroom.

Turns out, he's an alcoholic and unemployed.

Okay, maybe they can make it work, right? Wrong.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

This guy's alcoholism starts to rear it's ugly head and ultimately, he destroys the relationship with his buddies wife. She no longer wants this joker living in her home as he physically threatened her brother, and basically treats his fiance' like dirt when he wasted.

But he doesn't have a pot to piss in, so he leans on his friend once again.

Now the friend is sending him to Kentucky to live in a property he owns there, and drive a car he's also providing. This poor girl from Thailand is thrown for a loop and rightfully becomes very concerned about this man's ability to provide for her and take care of her, as he promised her parents he'd do.

Tensions mount, and eventually they reach Kentucky. . .only to find that the place provided by the friend is an apartment above an empty warehouse in a dead industrial district there.

This girl cannot work in this country yet. She's home 24/7 - alone - in a big empty warehouse apartment in a dead industrial are of a small town.

So how could this all have been avoided?

It could've been avoided when the amount her parents asked for, for her hand in marriage from him to prove he's a worthy man that can provide for her and any potential offspring they create from the union - was unable to be paid.

Right then and there this man showed he didn't have a pot to piss in, and had no business whatsoever taking on a wife and the possibility of a new family. Many cultures require this type of barter for a daughters hand in marriage.

And it has absolutely nothing to do with money necessarily so much as it's about the man's ability to care for, and provide, for his own family.

If you cannot provide for your own family, then you have no business dating and potentially starting one as a result of that union.

Who steps up to a potential partner with absolutely NOTHING to offer? Man or woman, who does that?

People who are out of touch with the harsh realities of life do that, that's who. People who don't understand that offspring may come that they'll have to care for. People that don't understand that food will need to be on the table, and a roof over your heads. People that are in love with the IDEA of being in love, but are clueless about the REALITY of RESPONSIBILITIES that entails in real life.

I greatly respect and admire men that get their lives in order and focus on their careers prior to dating. And there are MANY men that do this believe it or not. Good men do this. Men that are responsible individuals. Many of you reading here may have even met some of them. They're the ones that say, "I'm really focused on my career right now."

They're attempting to find their place in life, to prepare for a future that includes a wife and kids of their own. They don't go running out putting the cart before the horse. They get down to the business of life, get serious about it, find their place, develop their career - and THEN settle down once they know they can properly take on those responsibilities.

In the meantime, they may date casually - but they don't lie about it. They don't pretend they want a relationship just to get down your pants. They come right out and tell you they're not seeking anything serious at the moment, and their career is what's important to them right now. And as a woman - respect that.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Or date any Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along spewing about how broke he is and risk starting a family with him. See where that gets you. There are lots of women out there that have found themselves in that position. Check in with them and see how they're doing supporting those children all alone without any contribution from the man that helped bring them into this world.

Sorry guys - but if you're broke, that ain't no joke.

And just because a woman wants you to prove you can provide for her doesn't mean she's a gold digger. All it means is that she's serious about finding a relationship and potentially starting a family with a good man that can help provide that.

If you can't take her for a burger or an ice cream cone, chances are you couldn't provide diapers, formula or housing either. So why should she take you seriously as a potential mate? She can buy her own burger and have sex with men that CAN help provide the rest of that for her and her offspring. Sorry, but that's the harsh reality. And you're not entitled to sex, a wife and a family simply because you exist. Anything worth having requires hard work. Nothing is free. Things must be earned through dedication and hard work, whether that's in your career, your personal life, your friendships or otherwise.

I really wish this "Age of Entitlement" would end LOL.

"It seems that all the men that I have met and dated in my life says the same thing that is, "when I call, I want an immediate response." Why is this?"

Re-read my last statement above. Why is this? Because we live in an Age of Entitlement. One where people feel like they deserve shit for doing nothing. One where people feel they're entitled to things they haven't earned.

And I hate to say this, but it's us women REWARDING men who haven't proved themselves worthy with sex that's helped create this epidemic. I bet the broke guy gets laid. I bet there are women out there that reward him with sex for doing absolutely nothing for them other than existing. And it's those women that make it hard for good women. Because when men like this come across a good woman that values herself and would actually make a good girlfriend, wife or mother - they ridicule her and label her "high maintenance."

When meanwhile, she's actually a smart woman that's serious about life and isn't out there making reckless decisions for herself.

"So my response everytime is that you're not my father/daddy, I don't know you. Or who do you think you are??? I have a life too..."

Good for you!! Keep it real. Keep it honest.

"Mirror, what does this say to you?"

It signals the man has a sense of entitlement, and possibly issues of control. However, I will say this. Good men DO expect to be the leaders in their homes. But they don't do this by making demands and using brute force. They take their significant others wishes into consideration and make the best decision for both.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Men who are behaving entitled and signaling that they have certain expectations of your time prior to them ever even proving themselves worthy of your time and attention are throwing up a big red flag in my opinion. To me, it also signals secret insecurities. Like as if they don't really feel like men deep down inside, but they're trying to hide that from the world and women. . .so they overcompensate to cover that up and end up swinging full-tilt in the opposite direction - coming across as over-confident, arrogant and over-expectant.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect. A potential mate should view you as an equal, not a little girl. He should not attempt to dominate you.

And the fact that he expects an immediate response plays into my suspicions of insecurity on his part. Why would someone be uncomfortable not receiving an immediate response?

Because they're insecure, their mind starts to wander, and they assume you're not responding because you're with someone else - another man. Think about it. When a woman does that to a man, many men tend to label the woman insecure (i.e worried and anxious that the man is cheating on them). And rightfully so. Let's be honest with ourselves, that's what many of us women think a lot of the time when we're not feeling confident about ourselves or secure in our relationship - when we're insecure.

Well, that works both ways. When a man behaves like that, he's telling you the same thing you're telling a man when you behave like that - that he's insecure.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

So I have been online dating and traditionally dating. I kind a had to let the traditional man go because of some character issues that came to concern. The online guy, we've been spending alot of time together; like almost daily. We only known each other now for 3 weeks. We're both in our late late 30's and have both came from similar last relationships. He sent me a subtle hint last night that he is falling for me. Wow! I wasn't expecting that. He understands that I am dating others, but he has been very persistent and consistent and moving all the others out of the way. Now he sent me a text earlier today asking me at what point does 2 people decide to be exclusive? At what point should we become exclusive. ... this threw me for a loop. I wasn't expecting this question so soon. We've only known each other for 3 week and he has done more for me than a man I was in a relationship has done. I don't want to rush anything as we're still getting to know one another. I don't know how to tell him this, I want to be patient and enjoy dating him before moving into a serious exclusive relationship because I've learned from my experience. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. So what do you think about this Mirror? Please help me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 1, 12:24 PM,
"I want to be patient and enjoy dating him before moving into a serious exclusive relationship because I've learned from my experience. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. So what do you think about this Mirror?"

Honesty is always the best policy :-)

If you're not ready to jump into a serious relationship after only 3 weeks, then be honest about that, and be honest about why you feel that way.

Explain that you think he's a great guy, he does a lot for you and you truly do appreciate that, you find that very attractive about him, and you can definitely see yourself falling for him. . .but you're just not ready to stamp the "relationship" label onto this quite yet.

Explain that you need a bit more time to feel comfortable doing that. Reassure him that you're not sleeping around with other men, but explain that you need to move into a relationship at a slightly slower pace in order to feel comfortable and trust that you will not get hurt.

If he's a true gentleman, he'll respect you for that and accept it.

If he's not and he's only saying this so he can fast track you into the bedroom, you'll know right away because he will not accept this in a mature, respectful manner (and may even become angry).

Tiff720 said...

Hi Mirror, it's @Anonymous Feb 1, 12:24 PM again...

So this morning while on the phone with him. He was venting on the phone with me about his "baby mama" issues. With all of the information he has shared with me and then he told me that he "can be an asshole" also, has bought of some flags. He is a good guy and has assisted me with my career and he could relate to the issues that I go through in my career. I find this very attractive about him. However, the issues he is has with is "Baby Momma" are not good. Its very toxic to the point that his kids do not like their own mother. They want to move with him and I've seen his youngest child ask him if they could do so. Then we have been communicating on many many topics and a few of the topics/questions that are being asked, his response to me are "yellow flags". He is about to get ready to relocate to another state temporarily and I am suppose to be traveling with him soon for the move, but now I am thinking that I shouldn't because as closer as it is getting to the move, these questions and his responses are bring more flags. I don't want to lead him on. So since he has paid for my car repair and in return, I cooked him dinner and thanked him so very much for getting my car repaired. I feel that I want to give him back the money that he paid for my car repair. Although I don't have it because I am in between jobs but I don't want his acts of kindness to be blown up in my face. Especially since he told me that he can be an "asshole". And from all of the information he has shared, he does the tic-for-tac. I don't play those kind of games. And it is a a lot for me to handle.

Furthermore, I am back to talking to the traditional guy. He kind a won me over after cutting all communication from him for 3 days. I ignored him; I dropped off the face of the earth. I like him also. We have many many things in common and we seem to share the same values. The only issue that I have thus far, is that he is going through a divorce and he has a vasectomy. I would at least like to be with a man that could give me the opportunity to have at least 1 child. I keep asking myself if I really do want a child and I am torn. The world today scares me to bring an innocent child into then, not having the experience of my seed calling me "mommy" I would be nice to have. He has 3 kids; all in their teenage years. I have met his sister and have talked to his best friend and another close friend of his. He talks about me daily to them and even the guys at his job. I've never had a man that talked about me so much. I find it exciting but I am not allowing those words to make me naive either. He also asked me the other day "what are we doing". I told him that I am going with the flow. I have already stepped over some of my boundaries with the both of them. Especially the traditional guy; we have slept together quite a few times. I know its not good and I cannot make any excuse for it. I think I am enjoying how this man is doing so much for me as I sit and do nothing. I know he wants to be with me. I've told him that he cannot have all of me because of his situation. Yes, I am attracted to him but I keep my distance! He does all the calling and wanting to spend time with me and money. He is a kind guy and when I asked his sister what's the good, bad and ugly about him, she said that he is an mild manner guy, he is too too sweet. I asked his friends the same exact question and they both told me that he is a good guy, he just wants to be loved. Even he told me that he would love to come home to a woman. The interesting thing is I can actually see that in him.

Mirror- what are your thoughts about this?

Anonymous said...

Mirror- its @Anonymous Sep 1, 12:48 PM again... it's been a while... so I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months and I was mad at him because I feel like he is playing games. He finally let me meet one of his best friends. His best friend and I almost think alike; that's scary. We were both talking about the guy I'm seeing behavior and how he is getting in his own way because he doesn't want to "let go". So I found out that the guy that I am seeing has a fear of the unknown and that is why he has a hard time of letting go. He says he wants me and that he loves me. But Thursday night, I became so frustrated with him and told him how I felt while he was at my place. I ended up telling him to leave. So yesterday morning he was calling, calling, calling and each time I answered the phone. Ugh! I shouldn't have and just let him suffer to see how I was feeling. Each time he called, he'll tell me that he "loves me". I said okay. Yes, we both had expressed our love for one another. Then he sends me a text after he got off from work asking what I was doing and if I was still mad. I text him Nothing. So then we're texting back and forth until I told him to come pick me up. He did and we went over his best friend house. We left there and grab something to eat. While eating he expressed that he was "In love with me"... Wow!!! I didn't know that and I don't feel the same. Then he told me that he has been spoiled by other women when it comes to dating. I asked him what does he mean and he changed the topic. I tried to go back but our conversations was all over the place. He tells me that if his time is not spent with his kids, he wants to spend time with me. He knows that he is high value out here but he wants to spend his money on me. Some of the things I do drives him crazy. He's talked about me to his friends and some of his family. He also says that he can see a future with me. A part of me believes him because I kind of feel the same way about him, but then the other side of me is saying yeah okay. He has to be the Missouri state and "show Me"... Mirror, could you help me understand what does it mean when he says that he was spoiled? what do you think about this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 2, 8:20 AM,
"help me understand what does it mean when he says that he was spoiled?"

It likely means that the other women chased him down, coddled him, doted on him, and accommodated him constantly to the point that he took them and their relationship with him for granted.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I have this issue with self that I am trying to come to term with and I kind of know what to do, but I am struggling. I was wondering if you could offer me some suggestions and recommendation.

1. I have "daddy"issues. He has always been in my life. However, there have been times when he wasn't. I'll just say that at times, he would be considerate one of those "disappearing" men. I saw a lot growing up between my parents marriage before they finally divorce. It has left my mother very bitter and she doesn't trust NO MAN. I don't want to be like that. The end of 2016 my father BETRAYED my trust. I was going through a nasty divorce. Only my dad, mom and sister and my close friends knew. I was suffering from the 5 stages of divorce/depression. One day my father told all of my business to a "fam-enemy" and then word traveled. I became so enraged at my father and when I asked him. He lied to me in my face. The ultimate betrayal. So I immediately was DONE with him and cut him out of my life. Now I find myself always talking about him and I do miss him but this is not the first time this has happened. So enough is enough! About 4 months ago, I met a man that has alot of similar traits as my father. I've even told the guy. The hard part of this guy is that he possess a lot of qualities I want in a man, but the only thing is that he is a married man. Its very complicated and confusing! Because him and his wife does not live together. He lives like a single man. They don't have any kids together. But he doesn't want to get a divorce. He tells me that he's "use to it". They haven't lived together in about 3 years. He's told me that she comes over his house from "time-to-time". But yet, we go out, he's thoughtful, considerate, kind and gentle to me. All of the things I really like in a man. He always keeps selling me these false dreams and I keep believing them. Why? Because I'm used to that. That's what my father does/did. I want to break away from him. I find it very easy for me to walk away from other men, but this guy I'm having such a hard time. His birthday is this week and he's going out of town for a few days. So I made it up in my mind that I need to end it now. I don't want him to divorce for the sake of meeting me. This man has told me that he "loves" me. I've met his sister and one of his daughters from his first marriage. I've even met 2 of his best friends who have both shared with me that they told him it was a mistake marrying the woman he is with now. They see it as a "contract". His kids don't care for her either. So this week before he leaves or the day of him leaving, I plan to let him know that this isn't working for me anymore. I can't be with a man that is not meeting my needs and disappointing me. He needs to get the divorce and maybe if I am still around and available, just maybe I'll consider.

Mirror, I need your advice, suggestion, recommendations. Something, please help me! and Thanks in advance for your words of wisdom. Con't...

Anonymous said...


2. After meeting a man, I find myself struggling with telling a man my needs. When I say, "this is what I need or I need you to do....." I feel like I am being "bossy, controlling, etc" I've even been told by a guy before that I'm controlling and/or bossy. I get so confuse. For instance, the same guy that i've mentioned in my last post, he asked me what I liked. I told him that I like a man who will treat me like a lady and make me feel special. I like a man who is thoughtful and considerate and kind. Later on, he told me that I just gave him the road map to keep me. I don't get it because when I express what I don't like, for instance, I don't like a man that's abusive (hitting and yelling), I don't like a man that is going to cheat, I don't like a man who is going to lie, I don't like a man who is going to steal and disrespect me. I've also been told that i'm being too "picky". Ugh!!! I'm very much struggling and a confused woman at the age of 38, divorce, and no kids. Then, this guy recently told me that I have bad judgement with men. I need help and I don't know what to do.

Mirror- could you help me with? what are your thoughts about this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 22, 9:25 AM,
"About 4 months ago, I met a man that has a lot of similar traits as my father."

It's not uncommon for people to choose mates that reflect the same character traits as their parents. And it's not uncommon for abusers to choose mates that abuse them, thus recreating/reliving abusive cycles in adulthood. Doesn't mean it's healthy, but it's not abnormal either.

"The hard part of is that he possess a lot of qualities I want in a man, but the only thing is that he is a married man."

I would restructure that sentence to this, "The hard part is that HE'S MARRIED, but possess qualities I want in a man."

The married part is HUGE. It's not to be minimized. A married man is not available to you. He's bound legally to another. Not only that, he's toxic to you.

And here's why. Being selfish and untrustworthy - are those qualities and character traits you want in a man? And aren't those the very things that enraged you about your father?

You said that your father "left my mother very bitter and she doesn't trust NO MAN. I don't want to be like that." So you have to ask yourself how your mother came to be that way. Well, she came to be that way because a man that she loved likely lied to her, betrayed her trust, behaved selfishly and didn't care about her or his family, and maybe even possibly cheated on her.

So if you truly wish to break the cycle and not come to feel the same way your mother does now, then you need to not date men that are sure to do those very same things to you. You need to NOT date men that you already KNOW are selfish and not to be trusted.

And you already know this man is those things, because he's behaving that way towards his WIFE right now.

The best predictor of someone's future behavior is their past behavior. Why is he not doing the right thing instead, and getting a divorce and freeing her and himself from the marriage? I could see if he's already filed for divorce and is simply waiting for the formal process of paperwork to take place. But he's not even filed for divorce, so you have to ask why is that?

"Its very complicated and confusing!"

No, honestly it's very simple. He's a man that's sure to hurt you deeply some day - either by never leaving his wife for you. Or by leaving his wife for you, and then years later bailing on you. Even if we pretend they'll be positive ending to a negative beginning here. . .you'd likely have to go through a lot of turmoil during the divorce process with him, which is painful.

Any way you slice it, involvement with someone who's married, man or woman = pain at some point.

It only feels complicated right now because your emotions are clouding your judgment. Hence the old saying, "Love is blind."

But if you're honest with yourself and you take a logical approach to the situation, I believe deep down inside you already know this situation is toxic. It's the reason you're here seeking answers, which is a good thing. . .because your gut is sounding off warning bells.

And all you need to do dear, is listen -- and PUT YOURSELF and your HAPPINESS FIRST.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Lovers come and go. Friends come and go. Acquaintances come and go. But your dignity, confidence and sense of self-worth. . .once they're damaged, sometimes they may never return. You need to protect yourself and those things. They're VERY precious and possibly even irreplaceable. Don't put them at risk over a man. Especially one that's already shown you what he's capable of.

"They don't have any kids together. He doesn't want to get a divorce. He tells me that he's "used to it". They haven't lived together in about 3 years. He's told me that she comes over his house from time-to-time."

Umm, comes over for what? They don't have any children, so what's she "visiting" him for? Is the reason he doesn't want to get a divorce because he's in a "friends w/benefits" situation with his wife, and he gets to have sex with other women too because he's living like a single man -- so he's got the best of both worlds and doesn't want to give that up? Is it because he has his cake (sex with his wife) and he gets to eat it too (have sex with other women)?

That whole thing doesn't sound right. If he didn't want to be with her, he'd divorce her. If he didn't want to see her, he wouldn't let her visit. But he's remaining married to her, and he's letting her visit. So why is that?

"They see it as a "contract"."

Okay, but then you have to ask yourself, "What's the exchange? What's the benefit of the contract for him? He's got his own place, so he's not receiving housing. So what is SHE GIVING that HE'S RECEIVING, and what is HE GIVING that SHE'S RECEIVING - in exchange for this so-called contract? What's the benefit each of them are receiving from this contract?"

Is it money or financial support? Is it sexual favors? Is it emotional support? And why is it necessary to even have this arrangement in the first place?

"I plan to let him know that this isn't working for me anymore."

Oh thank God. I may have seemed a bit harsh here at times but you need to know that I truly do have the best intention for you here. I do not want to see you create a negative pattern or cycle in your life by dating men that could actually risk you ending up in the same emotional place as your mother - which is what you're trying to avoid here.

Take care of yourself. Think of yourself. Put yourself and your happiness first. Keep yourself out of toxic situations with potentially devastating consequences -- and all will be well :-)

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I find myself struggling with telling a man my needs. When I say, "this is what I need or I need you to do....." I feel like I am being "bossy, controlling, etc." I've even been told by a guy before that I'm controlling and / or bossy."

Consider the source dear LOL ;-)

There are men, and then there are boys. And some men can act a lot like little boys. Some men do not have a very high emotional EQ (emotional intelligence). They can physically be 45 years old, but have the emotional capacity and maturity of say - a 17 year old boy.

Men who cannot accept the reality of a woman's needs and openly reject them, mock them, or label them -- are not emotionally mature enough to be one half of a healthy relationship. It's really that simple. They're disqualified and "undateable."

That's actually a really GREAT way of identifying a man's emotional maturity. Is he a man that's serious about finding a lifelong mate and willing to do the work and make the sacrifices necessary to have a committed relationship? Or is he a man-child that's not taking dating very seriously, is not ready for a real relationship, and doesn't know the first thing about women or their needs?

Because I can tell you this -- the RIGHT MAN will be grateful for your honesty there. He will take great interest in it, and he will be taking actions to fulfill those needs (without being prodded to do so by you).

"The same guy that i've mentioned in my post asked me what I liked. I told him that I like a man who will treat me like a lady and make me feel special. . .thoughtful, considerate and kind. Later on, he told me that I just gave him the road map to keep me."

That's right - which is why I stated above, the right man will be grateful for that information. Saves him the time of having to figure it out himself LOL.

In this case though, this guy is disqualified as "undateable" because he's married and literally unavailable to another woman (i.e. legally bound to his wife, which means he can't legally marry you, so why bother dating him at all until he's divorced because there's no real future available).

There's nothing wrong with giving someone the road map for how to keep you. That's called communication. Nothing to be embarrased about or questioning.

What you DO need to question though -- are the morons that are handed the roadmap, but suddenly decide it's better to go off-road 4 wheeling, get lost, and end up stuck in a ditch all alone LOL ;-)

"I don't get it because when I express what I don't like, for instance, I don't like a man that's abusive (hitting and yelling), I don't like a man that is going to cheat, I don't like a man who is going to lie, I don't like a man who is going to steal and disrespect me. I've also been told that I'm being too picky."


Any idiot who thinks that's being picky is an absolute - idiot. I mean c'mon. What a foolish response to that.

That's like saying, "Oh, so you don't like a man that beats women, cheats on them, lies to them, steals from them and is disrespectful. Damn. That's asking for a lot, don't you think?"

Like - is he concerned he can't live up to those low expectations LOL???

Some of these people dear, they're simply not even worth talking to. Seriously. Their responses are telling you everything you need to know, "Run away from me fast and don't ever look back!"

And when you hear responses like that - that's exactly what you should do ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror & Ladies!

I thought I would share with people that what Mirror said about valuing yourself and others will too is all true!

An example I wanted to share was when I was talking to a guy on one of the many dating sites I use. He asked for my information right off the bat. He did nothing to earn that type of information from me so I gently rejected him and told him that I did not give out my information easily like that.

Ever since, he's been sending a slew of text messages on the online site. Each time I responded he was RIGHT THERE responding (like a little ol'puppy..it was kinda cute actually, which is why I kept responding).

One time, I finally responded to him (after ignoring him for days) and he informed me he was running off of three hours of sleep. I jokingly pointed out that he was awake enough to talk to me and he immediately said that was because I was playing hard to get so it was worth it.

Essentially, I want to help provide proof that what Mirror writes about is true! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Dear Moa, I would like your opinion on the following situation.

I met a guy online 2 months ago and we have had 5 dates so far, all lunches, drinks and theater or walks and nothing physical happened yet, not even a touch. He is a Scorpio with a Scorpio ascendant and is a very magnetic and handsome guy. I am 35 and he is 31 and our intellectual connection is amazing. He has swept me off my feet since the first saw him but I have no idea how he feels. After the first 3 dates, all of which he initiated, he kinda disappeared for a week or so so I messaged him. He didn't even reply to my question in the message but sent me a long text about how he feels guilty about seeing me. I didn't understand so we met up about a week later and talked it over. He told me that he was leaving the country in a few months and he was not looking for anything serious (just sex I assume, but he didn't specify it) but with me, he doesn't want to do that. Or if he did, he would feel really bad after.

He said he would really like to have intimacy, even emotional intimacy with someome but he is very afraid of it. He told me that both of his parents left him when he was a child (he was raised by other family members) so this is where it is coming from. I think this guy has a lot of issues and I am not sure why I attracted someone like him, because I really feel I have been working so much on myself, been an avid reader of your blog :) and have been ready for a committment and a relationship. He also told me he is in therapy at the moment. I tried letting him go but I miss him so much when I don't see him or when we don't talk.

Also, he doesn't like chatting online, at least that is what he claims, so he normally responds my messages a day or so later. We have been planning a cinema date for two weeks now but he was always busy at nights so he said we should go and have lunch together tomorrow instead. So tomorrow we have a lunch date but I really don't know what to expect and I feel he is messing with my head.

I even told him earlier that if he is not sure about this, then we should just leave the whole thing and not talk to each other anymore. Then he said that he is happy with the ways things go between us and this "unorthodox" way of dating is "entertaining" him (his words). I know he is probably still dating online and I am too, but I am starting to be attached to him even though nothing has happened and I have no willingness to see others right now.

When we talk or see each other, I feel super high and happy, but at other times when he is not responding or says he can't meet bc he is busy, I feel really down. It is also bothering me that we only saw each other 5 times in two months and barely talk in between dates. I have been thinking about telling him all this and just asking him to make up his mind whether to see me more regulary or not seeing me again at all bc I am not happy with the ways things go. I would need much more communication and more frequent dates now. I know it might not be a good idea as it is kinda pressuring but 5 dates in 2 months with not even a touch or a kiss is not good enough for me and I really don't know what to to with someone who is so afraid of getting attached.

What would you do Moa? Thank you so much for reading it <3

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 3, 6:00AM,
"I feel he is messing with my head"

You should listen to your gut. It's a built in survival mechanism, and it rarely steers you wrong.

"I am starting to be attached to him even though nothing has happened and I have no willingness to see others right now."

You need to distance yourself. If you're not going to look out for yourself, then who will?

This man has been very honest with you. He's told you who he is. When a man does that, YOU SHOULD BELIEVE HIM.

He's told you:

that he was leaving the country in a few months
he was not looking for anything serious
He said he is very afraid of intimacy.
He also told me he is in therapy
he doesn't like chatting online

That doesn't sound like a man that's ready for a real relationship, or a deep commitment to anyone of anything at this time.

If you dismiss that and choose to ignore the facts, you're going to set yourself up for disappointment, and possibly getting hurt in the process.

"It is also bothering me that we only saw each other 5 times in two months and barely talk in between dates. I have been thinking about just asking him to make up his mind whether to see me more regularly or not seeing me again at all bc I am not happy with the ways things go."

If you're not happy, then why aren't you making a decision for yourself here? Why are you willing to hand over all of the power to HIM, placing YOURSELF into the POWERLESS position of sitting around waiting for on HIM to decide?

YOU have a CHOICE here as well. YOU are NOT POWERLESS in this situation.

It only feels that way because you're handing over all of the power to him. When he's already been honest with you and told you he does not want the same things you want.

You already know that this man doesn't want a relationship. You don't need to wait on him to tell you that again.

"I would need much more communication and more frequent dates now."

And he's already been honest and told you that's not what he wants. This man is unable and unwilling to fulfill your needs. If you stay, your frustration and disappointment will only increase. . .because you're unwilling to accept the truth :-(

"I know it might not be a good idea as it is kinda pressuring but 5 dates in 2 months with not even a touch or a kiss is not good enough for me."

Then you need to move on and find someone that wants the same things you want.

We cannot control others. We cannot make them love us, want to be with us, or fulfill our needs. The only thing we can control is our reaction to others. This man has shared his truth with you, so now all you need to do is react to it accordingly, in a manner that's best suited to helping you attain your goals. If your goal is a committed relationship, then you need to release the man that doesn't want that, to make room in your life for a man who does. That's a decision that will help you attain your goal. Staying with a man that doesn't want what you want will not help you attain your goal.

"I really don't know what to to with someone who is so afraid of getting attached."

What you do is, you move on and away from them. Do you really believe that a man that's admittedly afraid of getting attached to anyone. . .is going to suddenly become attached? Do you truly believe that a man that fears intimacy is suddenly going to develop a 100% willingness to become intimately attached?

He's not. None of that is going to happen.

And it has absolutely nothing to do with you. This man has years of work and continued therapy before he's even in a place to be considering that with a woman.

The writing is all over the wall dear. All you have to do is read it, accept it, and make a decision for yourself that's going to help you achieve your relationship goals :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror- it's April 24, 2018 at 4:41 PM
So, for the last few months I have been trying to end the relationship with him. He at the time wouldn't let me go. It had gotten to the point where I stop having sex with him. Especially after him going out of town and not letting me know that he landed. Like he had told he was. He set the expectation without me evening requesting. I was beyond pissed that he didn’t call me for 5 days while he was "out of town on a guys trip". A bunch of BS! When he had returned, I received a text saying hey I'm back. WTH!!! I mean I would had expected at the time him filled with some kind of anxiety telling me he's sorry, he either lost his phone or left it something. I would have suggested that he could've used the hotels Internet to log onto his account to get my phone number but I didn't get any of that. I didn't even get an honest apology. So I just rolled with it that caused me to further not trust him and dislike him more. Then June came around, we weren't really seeing each other that much because he would always use his kids.
pt 2. con't

Anonymous said...

pt 2 Hi Mirror- it's April 24, 2018 at 4:41 PM
I don't compete against kids. His kids are of teenage years and from his first marriage. He didn't have any kids with his current situation (wife) that hasn't lived with him in 3 years. He tells me that it is him. That he doesn't want to let go. So in June, I decided to be done with him and blocked him for 5 days. Then he called me from an unexpected number and next thing you know we're back on. But it wasn't full on and it had never been because he cannot give me his "whole self". We would get into arguments and get right back together. Then this month, I decided to block him again a week before my bday. Again, I am just tired that NONE of my wishes are be taken care of. I am tired of crying and begging for him to spend time with me. Even after 7 months he hasn't even stayed over. I've never had a man that I was dating did not want to stay over or I stay over there place. This was weird and I was tired of it all. Then this past Tuesday, I decided to send him a text to come pick me up at 7pm. He responded that just so I know that he won't be at my house at 7. Because he has things to do. So I started to call him back to back about 8 times. Each time he ignored it. Then I sent a bunch of broken heart emoji text messages. Clearly I had an intention to make him not like me because he had stated before that he doesn't like that I yell at him. Now I’ll admit I crossed my boundary by yelling but it seems that was the only way to get his attention. Because when I talk to him like a woman talks to a man, I'm never heard. I never felt important enough. I was never a priority. Then he called me because he said that he had a few words for me. I listened without saying much. Then, I became so frustrated and hurt that I started yelling at him telling him that he is just like my ex-husband. I told him that In the beginning with my ex-husband everything was good. It felt like a breathe of fresh air. We dated; He was presently there. I had a key to his place before 6 months and I decided to give him a key to my place after 7 months. Things just seemed natural during that time. I didn't have to beg or cry for his attention. Then when we got married, everything shifted. He became very verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. He put me out of his house. He had threatened me several times; He lied and betrayed my trust. He even threaten me in front of our marriage counselor at the time. I don't want to be with a man that is going to bring the worse out of me. I am so tired! So I didn't hear from him today after calling him a couple of times. So I decided to send him a text that said "Thank you it's officially DONE" I wish you and your marriage the best. His response a few hours later was Wow ok. Then followed by a call saying that I don't know what happened today that I was assuming. I just told him that I am tired. Then he sends me a text telling me "first everything is good in the beginning, secondly, keys to each other places. I know his situation. I didn't know my ex-husband and he didn't know me". I didn't respond. All I thought to myself was at least he was available, and whole at the time. I didn't have to be at odds with him over his attention. Things seemed natural! Nothing feels natural, the time spent is always cut short because he has to get back to his house. He doesn't want to stay over nor can I stay over his house. But I can visit him with no problem. He wants to blame me for everything thing. So I purposely called/text him so that he won't like me. That's the only way I figured that will get him to leave me alone and for good. Because I don't want to be with a man and feel alone. I can do that being alone and single myself.

Mirror I need your advice on this. I know it sounds messy because it was. I am so over him. I'm glad!

Tiff720 said...

Hey Mirror! It has been a while since I've been on here. I haven't been dating in a very long time; however, I just recently met a guy. I'll call the new guy "A". He was referred to me by his cousin (supposedly). The tricky part of it all, is I have sex with his cousin from time to time. Nothing serious! I don't have any feelings for the cousin. Though it has been over a month since the last time that I did have sex with the cousin. Guy A and I were on the phone for over 5 hours today. It felt like I was in highschool all over again. The nostilgia of it all. He asked me out on a date. The date is coming up on Monday. Though he wanted to see me the same night as we were talking. I wanted to also. But this time around, I want to take things slow and get to know the guy. Especially from all the bull crap that I have dealt with. So Guy A told me that this is the first time that he has been "single-single". He also shared with me that he used to be that guy that used to have someone on the side. Now it is just him. He asked me if I was in any "situation-ships". I told him about the couple of dates, I've been on since my divorce. And the one time that I was trying to rekindle an old romance that just didn't work out. However, I did not disclose that I am having sex with his "cousin". Eventually, I know I will have to say something. I'm just not sure when because I feel that it is not a "situation-ship"; especially since there aren't any emotions involved. Now there is a potential man that I have been praying for that may be the guy that I could build a friendship/relationship with that is open to having more kids.

What do you think about this? How would you approach this? What would you tell guy A?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"What do you think about this?"

I would be VERY concerned that he's spoken with his cousin, his cousin has informed him of your friends w/benefits situation. . .and told this man to bump into you or meet you somehow (in the hopes you'd provide him the same situation as the cousin is receiving).

And I say this because I've seen it happen a million times. I've watched it happen right in front of my eyes. And it usually goes something like:

#1: "I hook up with this cool chick once in a while."

#2: "Oh yea? You have feelings for her or is it just a thing?"

#1: "It's just a thing. No feelings."

#2: "Oh. Who is she? Do I know her?"

#1: "I don't know. It's that blonde (brunette, etc.) I showed you that picture of. She was at that bar the other night we were at."

#2: "Oh. She hang out there often? Mind if I talk to her?"

#1: "She hangs at that place and also over at the X Bar. She hangs out with her friends at X every once in a while, too. Go ahead and talk to her. She's cool."

#2: "Cool."

And then guy #2 starts randomly hitting up all the places he knows the woman hangs out so he can bump into her as if it was all by coincidence.

I've seen a LOT of men exchange information like this and follow through.

And this guy is giving off ALL THE SIGNS of EXACTLY THAT having happened here. You said, "He was referred to me by his cousin."

Referred to you - for what?

A referral is usually for a service. Such as, "I need a plumber and my neighbor referred me to you."

So then the question becomes - what service did the cousin refer this man to you for? What does this man think you're going to do for him?

And then there's this, "Though he wanted to see me the same night as we were talking."

That's a booty call. A man ringing up a woman for the very first time - cold like that out of nowhere based on a "referral" he got from his cousin - and then immediately asking to see that woman that very evening, at night. . .is a booty call attempt.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And then there's this, "Guy A told me that this is the first time that he has been "single-single."

That's basically like saying, "Wink wink. Sometimes when I'm seeing someone and I'm not really single, I pretend to be single (just to get laid). But this time I'm really single. As in single-single for real."

So in essence, he's basically just told you he's a liar.

Then he flat out admits it, "He also shared with me that he used to be that guy that used to have someone on the side."

And insinuates that you should trust him now LOL.

Then, "He asked me if I was in any "situation-ships"."

Because he ALREADY KNOWS you are - with his cousin. (He was testing to see if he could open up the topic of friends w/benefits for discussion, to see if you're open to it - with him.)

But you, "did not disclose that I am having sex with his "cousin"."

You don't have to - trust me, he already knows all about it.

How do you think this "referral" came up? How do you think your name came up? How do you think these two guys ended up talking about you in the first place? It happened likely because they were two guys talking about their escapades.

And even if the situation with the cousin feels like "is not a "situation-ship" - it IS.

It's like a relationship, but it's not; it's a situation instead (i.e. an arrangement). That's exactly what he was hinting at.

You also said, "Now there is a potential man that I have been praying for that may be the guy that I could build a friendship/relationship with that is open to having more kids."

But how do you KNOW this? How do you know anything this man has told you is true? How do you know that he didn't conspire w/his cousin about this so he could possibly have the same arrangement with you as his cousin does?

And what makes you think that a man that's an admitted liar about women, relationships, and whether he's actually single or not. . .is suddenly telling the truth now?

A man like that doesn't just suddenly wake up one day and decide he's going to treat women better. He doesn't just wake up and decide he's not going to lie to them anymore. He's not going to cheat on them anymore. And instead he wants marriage, responsibilities, and children.

Especially if it's a guy that's never really even been able to hold a relationship together for more than a year or two. Sometimes those men NEVER settle down. Or when they try to, they make many mistakes along the way (i.e. hurt many good women who got caught up with them) and it takes years for them to truly change their lifestyle.

We're all creatures of habit. And bad lifestyle habits are hard to break.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If this were me, I wouldn't be buying anything this man is selling at this point. I'd be very suspicious about how my name came up. And I'd be asking why his cousin "referred" him to me. I'd be asking why, and for what, and how did my name come up?

I'd also be asking him that last time he was faithful to a woman, if ever, and for how long that lasted? I'd ask him why all of a sudden he wants to settle down (i.e. What's changed in his life to make him reach that decision)? I'd ask him how many women he's cheated on. And how many found out he did, and how they found out.

I'd ask him why he chose to lie in the past about his relationship status. I'd ask him what's the difference between being single, and single-single. I'd ask him how many "situation-ships" he's had at the same time before in the past.

Bottom line. . .I'd be asking this man all kinds of questions. Point blank questions.

And then I'd listen, observe his behavior, and see if his WORDS align with his ACTIONS. . .or if he's just full of BS and says he wants a relationship (WORDS) then runs around with his friends (ACTIONS).

If things don't line up, something's not right. The truth isn't being told and these two could be running some serious "game" here on you.

In otherwords, don't daydream or fantasize about what MIGHT be (i.e. idealize him). Instead, find out what ACTUALLY IS right now (the truth). Get right down to brass tacks with this man and find out why his cousin "referred" him to you and how that actually came about.

Don't beat around the bush either. This man found you through a "referral" by a man that's already sleeping with you. While this may happen a lot with men - it's not normal behavior and never ends well for the woman.

So don't be afraid to put him through some hurdles here. Let him know you're not a dummy (and you may be onto him, so he shouldn't take you for a fool).

If he asks why all the questions, tell him the truth. Tell him, "Because it's a bit strange for men to "refer" women to each other. I'm already sleeping with your cousin and my guess is, you aleady knew that before you even called me. So I'm trying to figure out what this is all about, and whether or not I should trust anything you're saying."

Sure, he may get offended. But too bad.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

When you act like this and you pick up the phone based on a friend's "referral" and you try to get that woman who doesn't know you at all to meet you that same very night. . .you risk getting hit with some uncomfortable questions from the woman. And you better put your big boy pants on and answer them.

Or go away and stop wasting her time trying to manipulate and use her to your advantage.

Right now, you have no clue who this man is, or if his intentions are true. For all you know, he spoke to his cousin. Found out you've been in an arrangement with him willingly. He needs an arrangement too so he figured, why not? But when he spoke to you, you spoke of relationships and settling down, so he figured he'd better fib his way through this by pretending to want the same things. He can then get you into bed, string you along for months, pretend to be in a relationship with you but then when he's out he's not "single-single" so he's cheating on you, and then when you find out or sense it and begin questioning him -- he can just claim "this isn't working" and make it look like he wanted a relationship all along, but you just ruined it by being so insecure, so now he can't have one with you.

When meanwhile, all along, he just wanted a "situation" with you but couldn't bring himself to admit it.

And when the above scenario happens to women, many times, it takes them MONTHS to get to the truth. They can be seeing the guy for six months or more - a year - and suddenly find out the guy's been a cheat and liar the entire time. He never wanted a relationship. He just pretended to and strung the woman along.

Don't let that be you.

Do your homework about this man, this situation, and this referral UP FRONT now -- so that a year from now you're not heartbroken over this man. Don't take his word for it. Do your due diligence to look out for yourself here. Because if you don't, who will?

Something doesn't smell right here - you need to get to the bottom of it before jumping in headfirst.

Tiff720 said...

Hi Mirror, its @Tiff720,

Thank you for your feedback. I agree, I need to do some more digging.

Here is some clarification and answers to your questions:
Correction, they are not related. Guy A (new guy) is a Realtor. He sold the other FWB guy with a house. During one of our text conversations back in January, the FWB guy suggested I reach out to his realtor- Guy A to help me with my house search. A few weeks later, FWB asked if I had reached out to Guy A. I did that day. Another interesting fact I had found out from FWB back in January was that I had met Guy A before. I did not remember him AT ALL. So I finally reached out to Guy A last Monday about a house I was interested in seeing. We scheduled to view a few house the following Friday. The FWB had been texting me through February, but after our last sleeping moment. I had decided that I didn't want to continue with the FWB arrangement. I wanted more. Just not from him because I wasn't attracted to him, no connection, etc.

When we met at house #1, it was our very first meet. When he saw me get out of my car, his eyes opened up really big and I saw his lips say WOW! The first house visit didn't go so well, because he wasn't advised that someone had bought the house. So we went to the next house. We experience a little bit of technical difficulties with entering the home but sooner we gained access. As I was walking through the house, we were just talking and flirting. Because, honestly I started to find him attractive. Then we just stood in the kitchen and talked for a long time and flirted more. I gave him a firm handshake and we parted ways. He then sent me a few text one on the professional side of things to let me know about the house. Followed by another text, on the personal level about getting to know me.

Now, I think you're definitely on to something. I need to look at all possible scenarios in this case. So last night we had another date. I wanted to know how close Guy A and FWB were. I found out that they aren't that close. However, men talk just like women. So I clearly told him in case we go further in getting to know one another, I want you to hear it from the source. He could decide what he wants to do. So I told him that I was had an arrangement with the guy he had sold the house to. He told me that he had been in situations like that before and he wouldn't feel awkward. He would be fine with know and if the FWB was to tell him he would tell him that he had already knew. Then he started to say how nice my breast looked and what does my nipples look like. I deflected answering him and a red flag came up. So clearly to me I feel like they may have had a conversation about me because I had some things done to my breast and only a person that I am sleeping with would know.

He tells me that he "really likes me and wants to get to know me more" but I have not heard from him. I had to text him today about the house situation. Paperwork I needed to provide the property mgt company. I had shared with him last night that I know how to separate business from pleasure. I am so tired of making all of these left turns. The dating game these days are so hard. I just want to give up.

So what do you think about this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"So what do you think about this?"

You need to do more of what you just did. Get more information from him, ask more questions of him and withhold making any real decision about this man for the time being.

What he said to you about your breast was inappropriate. It's inappropriate as a professional. And it's inappropriate as a man getting to know a woman. It's also the second time this man (that's pretty much a stranger) has taken a nice conversation and swung it headfirst towards sex.

The first time he spoke to you he attempted a booty call that evening. Then soon after he's making sexual remarks about your breasts. Both of which are inappropriate. And I find myself wondering why he's NOT concerned about offending you.

At the very least, I think these two guys have had a few drinks or talks together. I think information has been exchanged. And now your gut is telling you the same.

"He tells me that he "really likes me and wants to get to know me more" but I have not heard from him."

When a man's words do not align with his actions, it's a red flag. A warning to be cautious, pay more attention and observe more. Because things aren't lining up.

I'm still not convinced this is a man seeking a relationship and looking to settle down. He may SAY that. But his ACTIONS are more like those of a man seeking sex.

A gentleman seeking a relationship that meets a woman with real potential for that does not offend her by asking for a last minute date the same evening he's spoken to her for the first time. A gentlemen seeking a relationship does not objectify the woman by making sexual references about private parts of her body. A gentlemen seeking a relationship would not risk losing a woman that has the potential to be his mate by doing those things. He would be concerned about her reaction.

This guy doesn't seem to be concerned and if you read between the lines, he's got sex on the brain. Don't get me wrong. Most men do. But the men who make bold advances in an attempt to fulfill their urges are, generally speaking, NOT the men settling down in relationships.

They're the ones sleeping around with any willing warm body that comes along.

Gentlemen that are serious about a relationship don't go about things like that. They don't carry themselves like that. And they don't treat women like that (objectify them).

This guy sounds charming and slick. But he doesn't sound serious.

I would keep my feet planted firmly on the ground and proceed with caution here. If you're seeking another FWB arrangement with a man, this is your guy. I can already sense that.

But if you're seeking a meaningful relationship with a man, I suggest putting this man on the back burner. I don't think he's got the potential for that because his actions are continuing to tell us otherwise.

Tiff720 said...

Hey Mirror, this is @Tiff720 again.

I have another follow-up. So we had our 3rd date. I drilled him with plenty of questions like, so I see you're stalking me on Linkedin, i'm just curious to know how did my name come up in the conversation you had with FWB. I asked him the questions that you suggested in the previous response. Guy A was all for the questions. He did not back down and was provided a thorough response to each of them. Then I also told him how I was feeling devalued and like an object with his inappropriate responses. His response was that he thought that we were at a point to where it would be okay and didn't think that it was offensive. Until I've bought it up. He immediately apologized. and Kept apologizing throughout the night. Telling me that he is a gentleman and that he feels really bad to have said such things. He also shared with me that he thought that he wouldn't have a problem with my arrangement with the other guy, but it is bothering him. However, he really likes me, he likes how he feels around me, how I make him feels special. I asked him in what ways might I be able to help you get through the arrangement. Since I no longer do that with him any longer. He said it is still fairly new and he is aware of how situations like that works. Well, I told him that I was done after the last time in January. We spent the remaining of the night talking and getting to know one another. It felt good! Throughout the night however, he said that he was afraid to touch me. That he respects me and I am a true lady. I told him that I don't want him to feel awkward. Just any time I may feel disrespected, I will bring it to him attention. It may not be right at that moment because I have to cool down first. I will have a chat with him and bring it to his attention. So after the night concluded, he walked me to my car. He was afraid to give me a hug so I did. The hug felt really good because I was feeling a sense of empowerment. So I gave him another hug. I refrained from kissing him. He kissed me on my cheek. I feel if we should continue. I would like to continue to ASK QUESTIONS and see if his responses align with his ACTIONS. Only time will tell. Then get to learn/know him as a FRIEND. That is truly the hard part for me. Especially when the feelings are mutual. I always get confuse on when to draw the line to experiencing a little kiss that would not lead further. I want to do my best to stay away from each others home as much as I can. Hoping to be more active with him and get to know him more should that be his intentions as well.

He also sent me a text saying that "wow there is really something about me that makes him feel good and it feels so right" he also said that "I have been on his mind all day. he's so intrigued by me and he really like being around me"

So what do you think about this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Guy A was all for the questions. He did not back down and was provided a thorough response to each of them."

That's a positive response.

"He immediately apologized. and Kept apologizing throughout the night. Telling me that he is a gentleman and that he feels really bad to have said such things."

Another positive response.

And for the ladies reading here, don't be afraid to find your voice, ask questions, and bring inappropriate behavior to the attention of men you're dating. Not only does it open up the lines of communication. It also shows them you should be taken seriously, you're not naive, you deserve some respect.

It also makes them aware that YOU are watching THEM closely. You won't be wasting your time dating men that treat you poorly. So if they're serious about you, they need to behave in a manner that aligns with that towards you.

"He also shared with me that he thought that he wouldn't have a problem with my arrangement with the other guy, but it is bothering him."

That's okay. Don't fret over that. It is what it is. And if it's going to be a problem, it's best to get it out in the open now and deal with it. Honesty is the best policy.

"We spent the remaining of the night talking and getting to know one another. It felt good!"

See - you feel empowered now :-)

"He said that he was afraid to touch me. That he respects me and I am a true lady."

He respects you now :-)

"The hug felt really good because I was feeling a sense of empowerment."


"So what do you think about this?"

I think he's viewing you in an entirely new light now :-)

However, don't drop your guard. You're still getting to know this man and he's still getting to know you. But at least now you feel confident speaking your mind and asking questions, as well as questioning poor behavior.

Puts things in check ;-)

So proceed one day at a time, keeping the lines of communication open - and respectful. And just see where it takes you. Don't get ahead of yourself. Be okay with a slow pace that really builds on a strong foundation of mutual respect and honest communication -- because that's the path to a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

Don't assume all of his responses were true just yet. Watch, listen, learn, communicate -- and let your gut guide you. One day at a time.

Tiff720 said...

Hey Mirror, this is @Tiff720 again. Thank you so much for your feedback. This has really helped me out so much. Dating is hard! I felt so good to be able to express my standards and a way that I was being heard and stand in my truth.!

The new guy and I realized that we had 3 dates in 1 week. I don't recall ever experiencing dating at a pace like that. Usually 3 dates is spread-ed through-out the month or at a pace that both parties involved see fit. Now he thinks that since we have had 3 dates, that I know him. He's still a stranger! I told him we are still getting to know one another. He says that he is aggressive when he knows its right and he hasn't been wrong. He feels good around me. Then he'll say the "ball is in your court" (I actually like that because I am in control of setting the pace). I want to try something different because I've been making too many left turns. I think at this time in my life, I'm so ready for the right turn.

So a few days ago, we met up. It wasn't a date. He sent a text saying "he can't wait to see me again". I told him the feelings were mutual. So I suggested we meet up at a restaurant that is across the street from my job after I get off. He was on time. I love a man that is on time. We sat, talked and ate our foods. Then, I decided to kiss him. To my surprise the kiss was awesome. It felt so natural and effortless. We both stared at each other in awe. Then, we talked some more and walked to his truck and talked some more. Then, I had to leave. We kissed again. This time, he was trying to put his hand close to my chest/shirt. I had to remove his hand and then he did it again. I slapped his hand and told him that I'm not ready for all of that right now. So he fell back and said that he feels scared to touch me again. Then says he wants some alone time with me with just candles, music and wine. I mean don't get me wrong. I like all of that. I am just not ready. He tells me that he wants to be with me everyday. I like all of that attention. I'm pretty good at creating space. I am still observing this man's words are lining up with his actions. I'm not ready to invite him to my house yet. It's only been 2 weeks. There's plenty of time!

What do you think? Why are men so quick to get to the "gift" but say they're not?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"He says that he is aggressive when he knows its right and he hasn't been wrong."

Really? Then why is he still single LOL ;-)

"This time, he was trying to put his hand close to my chest/shirt. I had to remove his hand and then he did it again. I slapped his hand and told him that I'm not ready for all of that right now. So he fell back and said that he feels scared to touch me again."

Well, he should be hesitant to try to touch you sexually again without your permission.

So don't let him gaslight you into thinking you've made him feel "scared" somehow. And, as a result, you should just let him begin groping you sexually on the 3rd or 4th date.

There's nothing wrong with you. You did nothing wrong. He's behaving inappropriately and he's too far ahead of himself here. Additionally, his WORDS are NOT aligning with his ACTIONS.

Last time, he signaled to you that you were different, he liked that, and he wanted to take the time to get to know you. Now all of a sudden days later, he's NOT taking the time to get to know you and instead, starts making attempts to grope you sexually.

He's SAYING one thing, and then turning around and taking ACTIONS that go entirely AGAINST his words.

That's a red flag. It means, "Proceed with caution. Something's not right here."

"Then says he wants some alone time with me with just candles, music and wine."

And where does he want this? In a nice romantic public setting like a restaurant? Or in his apartment where he can corner you alone and pressure you into having sex with him before your ready on a sofa date: http://www.mirrorofaphrodite.com/2014/04/new-dating-trend-sofa-date-hookup.html

Because the location can mean a world of difference for the experience you'd truly be in for, should you agree to that.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"He tells me that he wants to be with me everyday. I like all of that attention."

Understood. But just be careful and as I stated earlier, proceed with caution.

I've seen many a man claim they want a relationship, claim they're developing real feelings for the woman, pursue her fast and quick applying lots of sexual pressure up front, see the woman every day for two weeks, race her into the bedroom -- and then disappear (after they got what they wanted from the woman - sex).

A man that moves things quickly into the sexual realm is generally NOT a man seeking a real committed relationship. It usually turns out to be a man that was simply telling the woman what he thought she wanted to hear, so he could get her into bed quicker. And he put in lots of time, effort, and pursuit in early on to speed that whole process up. Only for the woman to realize in the end, he wasn't serious and it was all a bunch of BS.

And then when the woman starts questioning things, she suddenly gets the, "I'm scared. My feelings for you are too strong. I need some time to figure out what I want to do" line from him.

Don't let him set you up to go down that path and providing him with a way out like that.

That's a classic examply of emotional manipulation and men are instinctually good at this with women.

They learn at a very young age that the way to get what they want from a woman (namely their mother) is to play emotional games with her. Play on her sympathies, make her believe she's hurt them somehow, throw a tantrum, and then watch her jumps into "overcompensating" mode in order to "fix" what she now thinks she's somehow broken.

All of a sudden, the little boy is geting lots of her attention, lots of candy and snacks whenever he wants, and that new toy at the toy store he's been wanting LOL. All because he played a little game and made mom feel really bad for supposedly hurting him terribly. Now he's got mom eating out of the palm of his hand, overcompensating for that and jumping through hoops for him right and left, and doing things she normally wouldn't do, going against her better judgment.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Don't be emotionally manipulated here into thinking you're doing something wrong. You're not. And he's the one that needs to check his behavior, not you.

You stand strong and you respect yourself. If he doesn't like that, there are plenty of women out there that will compromise their values for him. But that's not you. And he can go find them if he so chooses.

Don't be afraid to lose this man. Because even when they walk away, over 90% of the time -- they come back LOL ;-)

"Why are men so quick to get to the "gift" but say they're not?"

Not ALL men are like this.

And the men who ARE like that are sending up red warning flags all over the place that something's not right. Things aren't adding up. The man says he wants a relationship someday, and claims he wants to get to know the woman, but instead spends most of his time focused on trying to bed her.

When words and action do NOT align, it's a red flag.

Men that are serious about the woman and are seeking to determine if they want a committed relationship with her do NOT pressure her for sex. They respect the woman and do not want to risk offending her and losing her. They are respectful of her wishes and behave appropriately when they're with her.

My intial gut reaction about this man, based on his own words and actions, remains the same. I'm not trusting anything he's saying because he's saying one thing (WORDS) and then turning around and doing the exact opposite (ACTIONS).

Don't let him BS you into the bedroom. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you've somehow hurt him or scared him. And don't compromise your values to please him.

Do what makes YOU feel good about YOURSELF and leave him to figure out the rest himself.

If he walks away that's fine. It means that it wasn't meant to be, he wasn't a man of his words or the man he claimed to be. And he's done you a favor by walking away. You don't have to dump him. (And he'll likely be back in a month or so anyway to try again if he doesn't hear from you and you don't start chasing him like an insecure woman would do LOL.)

If he stays and gets himself and his behavior in check. Proceed with caution, one day at a time, and be open to where things might lead. But stand your ground. Remain confident. Don't compromise yourself or your values. And put him to the test, challenging him to be a man of his word.

If he withstands the test and proves himself to be a man of his word - he's worth continuing to date. If he doesn't and he bails and disappears, and then starts disappearing and reappearing at will without warning - he's not worth continuing to date. Roller coaster rides are fun when you're 17. But when you're an adult, they can be a bit nauseating LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with a guy I have been dating for a month. Now all I experience is anxiety.

When we first started out things were great, he communicated regularly, we went out on dates and generally had lots of fun. Two weeks ago we started getting physically intimate (but no sex) like kissing, hugging, hand holding. He tried to go into my pants but I took has hand away and he was respectful enough to stop and said "sorry". Getting into my jeans makes me feel like I am just a "body" to him, even though at the same time he is affectionate, kisses a lot and holds my hand. I feel during those times that he cares about me. He even said "I like you".

Then he starts mentioning other "female" friends who are in his words - platonic. I am okay with that but I wonder why he finds it necessary to update me when he has been helping one with gardening or fixing things around her family's home, going for coffee, or picking up one's daughter from school one day. Frankly, I don't care and feel it is inappropriate to be talking about what he has done with his other "friends". I don't let on how turned off I am because how can I prove they are not just his friends? I never bring up any occasions I have hung out with another guy friend.

Should I run from this guy? He doesn't treat me like someone of value when I hear about these encounters. Or am I just super insecure here? In the past when I have dated men, they have never spoken of outings with female friends, only a family member like a sister or friend of the family.

Why is he doing this? Trying to make me jealous or subconsciously trying to tell me he his dating others and for me to back off?

I also told him his "over the top" compliments about my looks are getting irritating. It was okay in the beginning but I get the feeling he is on "auto pilot" with this kind of talk and it also sounds a bit "fake". He said he was very sorry and stopping doing it, which is fine. I can never go beyond "surface" talk with either either.

In essence, I am not feeling good around this guy anymore. I know communication is the key to relationships but would it help with this dude? I am at a bit of a loss.



The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Now all I experience is anxiety."

Not a good sign. Dating is supposed to be enjoyable and fun :-)

"I don't let on how turned off I am because how can I prove they are not just his friends?"

You can't prove anything unfortunately. And you don't know if he's referring to women he's once dated and been intimately involved with as "friends" now either.

If you've dated someone, they're not really a friend. They're someone you've dated. Friends are strictly platonic and have ALWAYS been so without any involvement ever.

Sounds to me like this man might be deliberately attempting to trigger your insecurities. Possibly so you'll feel the need to sleep with him in order to seal the deal. It's akin to saying, "I'm letting you know that I have other female options. You need to compete with them in order to win. And the way to win is to hurry up and sleep with me."

That may or may not be what's going on here. But it does happen - a LOT.

Keeping a woman anxious and worried is part of the dating game for some men. They know that when they get a woman into that anxious state, she'll cease thinking logically and instead begin thinking emotionally, which can lead her to make bad judgments for herself and compromise her values.

"Should I run from this guy? He doesn't treat me like someone of value when I hear about these encounters. Or am I just super insecure here?"

You're only feeling insecure right now because HE is MAKING you feel insecure.

Bottom line, if this is making you uncomfortable and you feel like he may be attempting to emotionally manipulate you -- put some distance between you. Put on the brakes. Don't let his behavior begin making you feel pressured into proceeding.

YOU are responsible for your own happiness. And spending time with people that don't add to it and instead, detract from it leaving you with negative feelings and emotions isn't wise. It can actually damage your self-esteem and confidence.

"Why is he doing this? Trying to make me jealous or subconsciously trying to tell me he his dating others and for me to back off?"

Could be any variety of reasons. But as I stated above, this happens a lot. Many men (not all, but many) will DELIBERATELY trigger a woman's insecurities so that she enters and anxious worried state. Once she's in that state, she'll cease thinking logically and begin thinking emotionally. And once she's thinking with her emotions instead of logic, she'll be more apt to do and participate in things that go against her better judgment.

This benefits the man because he's "weakened" her resolve. He's got her questioning things and feeling like she better step it up. It can aide the man into getting her into bed a lot faster than she might otherwise be comfortable with. She becomes concerned (anxious / worried) she might lost him if she doesn't sleep with him fast.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"It was okay in the beginning but I get the feeling he is on "auto pilot" with this kind of talk and it also sounds a bit "fake"."

I understand and have experienced this myself. The man is laying it on thick without really meaning it, hoping it'll help speed things along if he can get the woman to believe he's crazy about her.

"I can never go beyond "surface" talk either."

That's shallow. Men find visuals to be a turn on. But one of the biggest turn on's in both men AND women - is intellectual and lives within the brain.

If a man doesn't turn on a woman's brain, he will lose her eventually. She'll realize there's no real connection, much like you're thinking through here, and she'll bore with him in the long run because the relationship lacks substance and isn't intellectually stimulating.

"In essence, I am not feeling good around this guy anymore. I know communication is the key to relationships but would it help with this dude?"

That's hard to say. But based on his responses to the issues you've already made him aware of, I'd say probably not. For instance, when he was moving too quickly and you let him know that, you received a one word response - "Sorry."

He did not take the opportunity to open up a discussion and reassure you that he's serious about you, doesn't want you to feel disrespected, and is fine with moving at your pace.

Then he even took it a step further by starting an attempt at triggering your insecurities and possibly emotionally manipulating you into feeling bad about stopping him -- by suddenly letting you know there's possible competition out there.

Almost as if he thought this might make you more willing to move quicker, as in, "Oh no! Who are these other women? Has he ever slept with any of them? Is he trying to sleep with any of them right now? What's going on? I better speed this up before one of them beats me to the punch here."

Don't fall for it. The combination of those two events - you slowing him down and him suddenly attempting to speed things up by triggering your insecurities - isn't a good sign.

It's not a mature response from the man. It's a childish one that's attempting to use jealously, fear and anxiety to his advantage :-(

Tiff720 said...

Hi Mirror...

I have a continuous hang-up and I am not exactly sure what to do... Its when I'm communicating with a guy that I am dating. Consistency is very important to me. We talk/text throughout the day. Then 1 day only hear from them only 1 time and nothing else. I understand we all get busy. Would I be considered chasing him if I send a text saying "hey busy day. I hope all is well"? Would you think this to be considered an insecurity on my end? What should I do?

Thanks so very much for your feedback in advance.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Consistency is very important to me."

I understand that. However, you CANNOT expect RELATIONSHIP treatment from a man that has not made a commitment to you and agreed to enter into a relationship with you.

When you're casually dating someone, that's exactly what it is - it's "casual." And the definition of casual is "relaxed and unconcerned; not regular or permanent; a person who does something irregularly."

So unless this man has asked you for a commitment and he has agreed to enter into a committed relationship with you -- you cannot expect regular, permanent daily communication to take place.

"Would I be considered chasing him if I send a text saying "hey busy day. I hope all is well"? Would you think this to be considered an insecurity on my end?"

Yes, this would be considered chasing and it would reveal to him that you're anxious and worried about not hearing from him, and fearful he might forget you (i.e. insecure).

Those are all negative things that you don't want to project towards him. So refrain from doing so.

It's not necessary to remind a man that you exist.

The only way a woman can know if a man is GENUINELY interested -- is to see if HE pursues HER ;-)

Tiff720 said...

Hi Mirror... It's Tiff720. Thank you for your response.... Ugh!!! Well I messed up then. I sent the text and he immediately responded and we began back/forth texting for a little while. Then this morning I called him. My mistake. Well, also we both agreed to be committed to one another. We both aren't seeing anyone else. Now does this still apply? How do I clean this up going forward?

I also have to take into account that I am not his only "lady" in his life now. He has a 12 year old daughter that he raises alone. The mother of the daughter passed away when she was just 2 years old. So, I have to understand that she will always come before me. I have to adjust myself accordingly because he wants more kids. I don't have any kids and I would like to have a family one day especially since I am nearing 40. Things have been good so far. He has been honest with his responses to my questions and he makes sure that he is spending time with me and especially on the weekend. At this moment, I feel like I don't have to fight for a spot in his world.

I do my best to not call the guy. Let him miss me and call me. But then they request for me to call them. Now I feel like they put the ball in my court. Ugh!!! How do I handle this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"We also agreed to be committed to one another. . .I do my best to not call the guy. Let him miss me and call me. But then they request for me to call them. Now I feel like they put the ball in my court. How do I handle this?"

When you enter into a committed relationship, you can begin to make contact - a little bit.

But do NOT make the mistake that many women make once they enter into a relationship. Do NOT begin to contact the man repeatedly throughout the day, eventually becoming the one that initiates all of the communication in the relationship.

Do NOT give him the impression that you're "needy" of his attention, and in need of constant reassurance from him through endless communication.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If you want him to WANT to contact YOU, that means you need to give him the space to do that on his own terms.

You need to show him that you're an independent woman that's confident in herself. Don't slip into becoming the opposite of that, which would be a co-dependent woman that is insecure (and needy of his constant attention and reassurance).

Men in relationships love to be with women that are able to stand on their own two feet without them. And that give them plenty of time and space to themselves without repercussion, to be the leader and initiator in the relationship. (You still have plenty of power in that situation -- you have the power of CHOICE. You can choose to respond, or you can choose not if a situation requires it.)

This is one of the MAJOR "make or break" points in the early beginnings of a relationship. And I'm sorry to say but many women blow it at this stage by suddenly becoming clingy, needy, insecure, emotional and dependent on the mans constant attention and reassurance.

Don't become that woman simply because a commitment is now in place.

He feel for you because you showed him you're independent, confident and not afraid to stand up for yourself. If you suddenly become the opposite of that and begin contacting him all the time and you take over the lead - he will feel as if he was duped into this and fooled.

So don't change a thing. Don't drastically change your communication style now. Once in a while being the initiator is okay once a commitment has been established. But don't make the drastic leap into taking over that role and becoming a completely different woman in his eyes as a result.

Remember that the woman he fell for was independent, secure and confident in herself and do your very best to maintain that ;-)

Tiff720 said...

Hi Mirror. It's Tiff720 again. Thank you so very much for your feedback. I'll say that I've failed at this many times before. Now I feel its time to turn a new leaf and eventually make the RIGHT Turn!

Now that I am in a committment. He's a big procrastinator and sort of lazy. I know from past experiences with dating, I'm used to a guy sending me sweet texts throughout the day like: Good morning, have a wonderful day!, Good night beautiful!. Hey sexy... blah blah blah... Not so much from my guy. As you mentioned in the previous response, Do NOT give him the impression that I'm "needy" of his attention. If I were to bring up during a conversation with him saying that I like it when I get good morning/good evening or good afternoon, hey beautiful texts blah blah blah to him, would I be considered "nagging" him showing the vibe of being "needy"? What should I say to him? Because it's driving me insane that I don't hear from him while I'm at work. Even when I am working or go about my day.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"If I were to bring up during a conversation with him saying that I like it when I get good morning/good evening or good afternoon, hey beautiful texts blah blah blah to him, would I be considered "nagging" him showing the vibe of being "needy"?"

Yes, it would signal to him that you're needy of his attention, that you're in need of constant reassurance from him (i.e. it would make you appear as insecure), and it would come across to him as complaining eventually.

There are SO MANY other things that two people have to overcome when getting to know one another. In the big grand scheme of things, how often you text throughout the day is a very minor item to get hung up on.

And the reality is that you cannot change others. You can only change your reaction to them. So when you encounter someone that doesn't have the same communication style as you, all you can do is:

1) change your reaction to that OR
2) determine that they cannot make you happy and fulfill your needs and move on and away from them.

What you CAN'T DO is force them to change.

"What should I say to him?"

Nothing. You should instead ask yourself, "Why do I not feel secure in the relationship unless I hear from him throughout the day? Why do I need reassurance from him throughout the day that he's thinking about me, that I'm beautiful, etc."

"Because it's driving me insane that I don't hear from him while I'm at work."

Please understand that all of this technology is new. Prior to this, NO ONE EVER HEARD from their significant other constantly throughout the day -- and that was just fine.

In other words, it's not normal human behavior to be in touch 24/7. That is something new and honestly, very unhealthy. It's akin to an anxious attachment. And I believe in these ways, it's hurt the human race - not helped it.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Remember what I said previously, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

A man cannot miss you if you're in touch 24/7. It's really that simple.

If you're in touch 24/7 and he's expected to keep that up indefinitely. . .he will become unhappy. He will feel overwhelmed. He will feel pressured. And he will eventually feel as if your happiness is now somehow his new second job.

Don't let that happen here.

Stand confident. Provide plenty of space. Show him that you're independent. This is a "make or break" point in relationships and many women blow it at this stage. A commitment doesn't equal 24/7 attention, so don't project that onto him. Instead, stand confident in the commitment itself.

You don't need to be reassured that you're beautiful throughout the day. Because you already know he thinks you're beautiful because he's entered into a commitment with you. You don't need to be reassured that he's thinking about you throughout the day. Because you already know he thinks about you constantly, so much so, that he's entered into a commitment with you.

The commitment is ALL YOU NEED. It's what every girl wants from a man, and you've got that. You don't need it repeated every day, all day long, ya' know? It already exists, and it's yours.

The cold hard truth is this -- no man, and no woman, is going to keep up constant contact throughout the day forever and ever throughout all the years you're together till the end of time. It's simply not natural. And you don't want to form an anxious attachment disorder.

So do your best to break yourself free from the need for that because it's not healthy.

If you truly want to turn over a new leaf as you said, then it's important to acknowledge that CHANGE STARTS WTIH YOU :-)

Tiff720 said...

Hi Mirror, its @Tiff720 your last response was April 3, 2019 at 10:07 am. I am feeling really emotional. I feel like I have made a mistake and complained as he stated. We been spend quite a bit of time with one another. From the month of April, until now, I have been spending the weekends at his place. Yes, I understand that he is a single father to a girl that is 13 years old, he is in on-line school and is also a realtor. So he is living a busy life. However, this man is not the most productive. He would rather just lay in the bed and watch tv all day and do nothing if you leave it up to him. I really like that he is a home body, yet I feel that he could do better with his time management. He knows his time management sucks. He has expressed to me back in April that he doesn't want our relationship to feel like it is one-sided. I can always come by his house. Don't get me wrong, he will come to my place. He stayed over last weekend and we had a blast. But, I find myself always at his house over the weekend. And when I'm near his house on a Friday evening, I'll call to see if he's home to stop by but end up staying over. Well, the other day, I wasn't feeling neglected. I was feeling a need to be with him and wanted to be with him. So I called him and I expressed my feelings that I would like to see him more often. His response was "the weekend is not enough". His response kind of rub me the wrong way. I told him I enjoy very much spending the weekend with him, I just would like to spend some time during the week as well. Like how he made an effort to see me during the week at the beginning of our dating. He then told me this is the reason he left the window open for me to come by his house anytime. That I am not taking his schedule into consideration. I am always considering his schedule. Yet, when I am around him, I see his behavior and lack of efforts he puts into many things. So to me, that means that he is very flexible with his time. He waits until the last minute to do his homework, then we (I) find myself spending my Friday nights in the house. Don't get me wrong, I help him with some of his homework. He is majoring in IT. I work in IT so I get a kick out of just spending time with him doing that. He tells me that he remembers everything. I apologized and told him that I am not trying to complain. I was just expressing my feelings. I love our commitment, I would like to see more effort on his part. When I am at his house over the weekend, I cook us breakfast or dinner. When we spend the entire weekend in the house. I am an early riser and he's not. I'm okay with that because I don't have any problem waking him up give or take an hour or 2 later lol. Mirror, do you feel that I was complaining? I understand to pick your battles. As I was thinking about how good things are going for us, I just couldn't believe it. I haven't felt so special and wanted in a long time so it is all new to me. I requested that he be patience with me and I'm scared just as much as he is because we both come from an emotional and verbal abusive marriages.

Should I have handled this differently? Am I over-thinking?

Tiff720 said...

Hi Mirror its tiff720 with additional comments. I am feeling a bit sad and emotional that I don't want him to think that I am a complainer. I expressed that I am sorry, but I still keep feeling like I've done something wrong. Now I am thinking about getting a "I'm sorry" card and asking for forgiveness. Am I doing too much! I don't want him to look at me any differently. There are times, when I tell him about the things I need repaired around my house. He offers to do them, but doesn't immediately act on them. So has me waiting or better yet. I'll just ask him to help me when we're at my house and he does. I feel like I shouldn't have to ask, since he already suggested. But he told me that he is a lazy man. So when I ask and I get up and start doing things, then he'll do them. I put things on the calendar for us to partake in. I suggest going to the movies. We're going to his family lake house next month and we're also taking a cruise in August to the European. I'm really looking forward to spending time along with him on cruise. He tells me that will tell him everything since we're be on a boat for 7 days together. I feel that there won't be any issues. I'm not claiming there to be.

I've also had a conversation with him about if he celebrates any holidays besides the birthdays. He tells me that he doesn't. I told him that I celebrate all the holidays. I was wondering about it because Father's day is this weekend and I see how he is as a single father and I admire him for his strength in playing this role. It is not easy raising a 13 year old girl that is rude and has a nasty attitude. So I told him that I would like to celebrate him. He told me the other day, that he has to change his way because when he was married, celebrating mothers day/fathers day, valentines day wasn't celebrate and so he didn't put in an effort. Now he has to look at it differently and since I talked to him about it. I expressed to him that I grew up in an environment where we celebrated one another consistently and I just know that the man that I'm with should be celebrated also because i know it is not easy.

Mirror, what are your thoughts and suggestions on this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Am I doing too much!"

Yes, you're trying to hard (which can come across as desperate and you don't want to give that impression).

"He told me that he is a lazy man."

Then you should believe him. (Because no one would say that about themselves unless it's true and they've acknowledged that about themselves.)

"Mirror, do you feel that I was complaining?"

I doesn't matter. You're allowed to complain if you want to. The bigger question is this -- is this a man that can make you happy and fulfill your needs over time?

You need to give that some thought.

Is being with an admittedly lazy man that does not acknowledge birthdays, holidays, etc. and spends the bulk of his free time laying around going to be able to make you happy months, years, decades from now? Is he going to be able to fulfill your emotional needs when it comes to validation on special days? Is he going to be able to fulfill your needs when it comes to romance and attentiveness? Is he going to be able to make you happy by helping you take care of a home? Will he go out of his way for you? Is he going to be able to make you happy being on a different schedule and daily routine than you?

Those are the questions you need to be asking yourself. Is this man willing - and able - to make you happy in the long run?

Or will you tire and become exhausted, feeling as if you're grasping for his attentions all the time?

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror & Everyone,

I just had a conversation with my boyfriend the other night which seemed to echo the sentiments written here on this blog and I came back to confirm to the community that what Mirror is saying is totally accurate.

Our conversation was along the lines of what would happen if either one of us fell short or were not valuing themselves properly due to hypothetical extraneous circumstances. He told me verbatim, "If I were to stop taking care of myself and valuing myself then I would expect you to leave me and find someone better for yourself because that is what you deserve. If the roles were reversed I would probably do the same after a logical amount of time."

Granted, the philosophical talk was kind of out there but that is to be expected because he is an Aquarius with a Sag moon (the maverick) and so our talks get well .. interesting!

Regardless, ladies if you value yourself you will find someone who values you and expects you to uphold your own value regardless of what they do.

I hope this helps :)

Thank you Mirror! Your articles helped me/are helping me a lot these days!

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