"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

How To Avoid Dating a Narcissist

So you've met (what appears to be) a great guy. He talked a good talk. He even walked the walk for a minute. But then things took a turn. Something didn't feel right. Words and actions weren't aligning. Emotional distance crept in. And then the questions began. What did I do? What didn't I do? Was it me? Is he scared? What the hell is going on? 

What's going on is that you may be dating a narcissist. 

I spent years married to one. The affects of that experience still linger in my life to this day. Even being divorced for 17 years, watching recent decisions of his from afar often triggers me to remember the fresh hell that was life with him.

I've also worked with many narcissists over the years and encountered them in social circles as well. Narcissists are highly skilled psychological abusers - both covert and extroverted in style - and can leave you suffering post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) for years. 

So how can you spot one to avoid dating a narcissist? 

Start by answering these simple questions first. Does the person you're dating make you question your self-worth? Do they almost seem deliberate in their attempts to damage your confidence? Do they regularly send you into a downward spiral leaving you emotionally mired in self-doubt? Do you feel like you're fighting a constant uphill battle that leaves you endlessly trying to prove yourself worthy to win this person over? 

If so, you may be dating a narcissist. And you're probably completely exhausted. 

How to Avoid Dating a Narcissist

Look for patterns of the narcissistic cycle of abuse, which is as follows:
  • Idealization (You're amazing!)
  • Devaluation (Something is wrong with you!)
  • Discarding (Go away, I don't need you anymore!)
  • Hoovering (But I'll be back to vacuum up the pieces!)
So, what is this narcissist cycle of abuse all about? What's the end game for the narcissist here? The game is this -- narcissistic supply.

The above cycle is "grooming" -- a cycle of abuse that ensures the narcissist maintains a constant supply of attention (from you). You are literally being groomed to be victimized. When you see this pattern of psychological abuse playing out in your relationship -- RUN - don't walk to the nearest exit.

This is not about love and passion. It's about control and emotional manipulation to ensure the narcissist's fragile ego maintains superiority over you (and everyone else in their lives). In the narcissist's world, everyone gets their turn in this abusive cycle.

How to Spot a Narcissist

1.) The Empty Vessel Makes the Most Noise: The Narcissistic Need for Attention

This noisy empty vessel concept can be considered the flag pole in which other red flags will be raised upon, according to Dr. Ramani, a leading expert on narcissism, NPD and narcissistic abuse.

Picture yourself in a social setting - a bar, an office party, a restaurant, a crowded room, etc. You hear a voice that rises above the rest. You scan the room and spot the source. They're loud. They're charming. They're magnetic and they've garnered themselves a captive audience. They come across as confident, knowledgeable, and educated.

Problem is, they're not saying much.

They're like an empty vessel that's been hit with a stick - and sound is now ringing, ringing, ringing out of the hollowness of that vessel, reverberating in waves over the surrounding area, entrancing everyone.

They're telling stories (about themselves). They're using wit, humor and sarcasm to enthrall others (with tales of their own experiences). They're dismissive of others around them who try to contribute to the conversation (quickly talking over them, steering the conversation back towards themselves). They're discussing successes, theories and ideas (that are all their own).

Those in their audience seem captivated (by all of their grandstanding and tall tales).

Raise the flagpole. You may be in the midst of a narcissist.

They're not always loud, either. As Dr. Ramani points out, they sometimes instead us voice inflection to create a sense of mystery, speaking in whispers, leaning in close, or taking long pauses in between words. 

What you're really spotting here is this: big presence = dramatic, intense energy that seeks validation from others. Otherwise known as an "attention whore."

2.) Brr, It's Cold in Here: The Narcissistic Need for Superiority and Emotional Distance

Narcissists are adept at giving off an air of detachment. This is red flag number two. 

You suddenly find yourself wanting to be noticed by them. (Oh me, me - pick me, please, I'm over here!) But you can't quite reach them. They're aloof. They feel somewhat distant and almost untouchable. And you find yourself starting to believe that they're somehow superior to you and others.

They must be, right? 

They must have some magical knowledge that's so powerful that they have to go to great lengths to remain above others and just out of reach, for fear they might pass that superior knowledge off to those undeserving of it.

You immediately sense that only a chosen few receive such a reward from this individual. They must have something that everyone else wants, right?

The narcissist remains wholly unavailable (emotionally) and detached (emotionally) in order to continually remain above the fray, so as to wield power over their kingdom (of admirers) like an Emperor.

The 4 Stages of Narcissistic Abuse

1.) Idealization and the Narcissistic "Need to Feed:" The Bait and Hook 

This brings us to red flag number three. They've just set the bait. You ate it up - hook, line and s(t)inker. 

Now it's time to shine. Do a little dance. Will they notice you? Will they give you their attention? No? Okay, dance some more. Maybe say something witty. Twirl your hair. (Oh me, me - pick me, please, I'm over here!) Put on some make up. Behave desperately. Lower your standards. Compromise your values. Dance until you can dance no longer to prove your worth to them - to prove you're worthy OF THEM. 

If you've succeeded at that, then job well done. You are now on their radar, and they're coming in hot. Let the love bombing begin! You feel special, don't you? 

This narcissist is now giving you what you've worked so hard for - their attention. 

It's coming in wave after wave after glorious wave. It's washing over you and you're glowing. The narcissist is going out of their way for you. They're responding to your texts in record time. They're making themselves available to you on weekends. They're texting you good morning. They're texting you goodnight. They're taking you on (lame) dates. You may even be spending (lame) weekends at each others place. 

A narcissist has a constant need for attention. Congratulations! They're now officially pursuing YOU for that constant supply of it. 

2.) Devaluation and the Narcissistic Need to for Superiority: You're Not Good Enough

Discarding is soon to follow. But it's impending arrival will be proceeded by red flag number four, which is devaluation.

The pick up artist (PUA) community calls these devaluation tactics "negging" - subtle negative comments meant to trigger your insecurities and weaken you into becoming easier prey and a much more willing victim. And it usually looks something like this.

"Is that really what you're going to wear tonight?" Devaluing your appearance. Or after eating a meal you just prepared they say, "My mother's cooking is the best in the world." Devaluing your skills. Or "You should go brush your teeth." Devaluing your confidence.  

I'll throw this in as an additional personal observation of my own. Narcissistic men, in particular, may even begin to tell you stories (or any story) about other women that have come before you. 

They can talk about an ex non-stop (implying a comparison). Or they'll give away their deep-rooted insecurities by telling you some less-than-honorable sex stories (in an attempt to imply that they're sought-after and highly valued by the opposite sex).

Devaluation can be subtle or downright brutal. Whatever you do, don't fall victim to these narcissistic devaluation tactics by immediately becoming insecure. Call them on this BS and signal to them that you're onto them, you're confident, and this childish crap doesn't work on you. 

If you do that, the narcissist will likely punish you with their penchant for the silent treatment

All is fair in love and war, right? A narcissist knows the best way to win is to weaken his opponent. By decreasing your sense of value, a narcissist sends you into a weakened state of "unworthiness" thus making you easier to conquer (and to keep around for constant feeding of their very fragile ego).

3.) Discarding and the Narcissistic Need for Control: Taking out the Trash

By now, it's clear that something doesn't feel quite right. If you're dating such a great individual, then why do you still feel so alone? Uh, oh. Red flag number five. 

All of a sudden, the momentum that was building just came to a screeching halt. The glorious waves that were washing over you just dried up. It's like you've just been air-dropped into the middle of the Sahara desert. You find yourself feeling trapped, stranded, and all alone.

Not only does the narcissist now own your headspace. But even better, they've dumped you before you (figured them out and) dumped them. Your value and sense of self-worth just plummeted. Damn, it's hot in the desert. So why not take a dive into the sea of self-doubt? After all, swimming in self-doubt feels lovely, right?

Discarding is how a narcissist maintains control (and hooks you up to their feeding tube for the constant incoming flow of attention they've now primed the pump to receive from you).

The narcissist is always in the drivers seat (steering the relationship along driven by a psychologically manipulative need for control). And like any good Emperor - constantly running off to conquer new lands.

With the narcissist, it's not about reaching a destination (relationship). It's about chasing and conquering (tricking around with people's heads and emotions in order to control others so as to maintain a feeling of superiority over them). 

If a narcissist has just rejected you, you're doing great - scratch that, you're doing AWESOME. As Dr. Ramani says, "Narcissists aren't rejecting you - they are rejecting your supply:"

4.) Hoovering and Narcissist Entitlement: Sucking Up the Dirt 

But don't worry. Unfortunately, they'll be back.

The narcissist just hurt your feelings pretty deeply, right? Perfect! This puts them into a superior position to come back to "hoover" you up like the dirt they've left you feeling like. They've treated you like dirt and they're returning with a vacuum cleaner to suck you up again. Red flag number six.

If they've done their job right, by now you're completely addicted. They've got your head spinning, your heart is involved, and you're so down in the dumps and preoccupied with proving your worth to them that you never even consider breaking free. After all, who would want you, right? This experience is telling you that you're not good enough. If the narcissist doesn't want you then who will? 

If they're a pro at this, they can get at least a year or more out of you by recycling you through the four stages of narcissist abuse over and over again. If they're an amateur, they're set up for at least a few months. 

But YOU, my dear, are about to enter HELL.

All the while, the narcissist will be working all their other options simultaneously in the background. They've got a huge need to feed so they also need to ensure they've got to have a transplant to replace you (once you catch onto them and bolt away from them).

But don't get angry. These folks are broken. A narcissist is a pathetic creature.

Hurt People - Hurt People: The Narcissists Neglected Childhood and The Coffee Maker

Many narcissists grew up with troubled childhoods, particularly, in neglectful parental atmospheres. 

Mom and dad may have been embroiled in warfare of their own for years and were distracted and neglectful of their children. They may have been drug addicts or alcoholics. They may have divorced and one of them could've abandoned the family unit, never to be seen or heard from again. The parents themselves could've even been victims of abuse and neglect as children, harboring fears of abandonment, never even letting their own children really get close to them.

These folks did not receive the love and support they needed as children. As a result, their emotional growth stopped at the point the trauma took place. They learned that love can create pain. And you can get all the support and attention you need if you just learn how to manipulate it out of those around you without fully investing yourself.

Picture a narcissist as an 8 year old child, desperate for attention and love, but not receiving it. The child learns to get the attention they need by being a trickster and emotional manipulator. Is mom too sad to pay attention to you because dad left? Is she on the sofa crying all the time? Is she on the phone crying all the time? Just throw a tantrum, break a dish on the floor, and voila' - you've got moms attention. Not only that, you've just gained control of her. She's checking you for cuts, she's wiping tears from your face, and she's coddling you in an attempt to console you.

Perfect! The child has just learned how to emotionally manipulate others (by behaving badly) in order to receive the love and affection they so desperately need.

Ever seen a child bashing their parent? Pulling their hair, kicking them, screaming and punching at them. That's the "I hate that you left me and don't love me" cry for help. And if the child does this after a parent has just returned from an outing without the child, that's a sure sign of resentment and neglect coming from that child directed at the parent. It's an attachment disorder developing from emotional neglect.

It's okay to feel bad for these people. But do NOT think that love will fix them. They are chronic repeaters. They don't want to change their way of life because it works for them. They're in the drivers seat. They're in control. Emotions mean nothing and are simply signs of weakness to them. So don't think showing yours will do them any bit of good. 

A narcissist will actually become angry at you for showing your weakness (emotions) and resentful of the fact that you actually "feel" things. They'll make it very clear to you that you "don't go there" with them. If you feel like you're walking on eggshells, tip-toeing around their emotional explosivity all the time, it's because you are. 

This goes deeper in adulthood than a child's need for love. In adulthood, this is now about control and superiority over others. To a narcissist, people are things. Things that only serve a purpose or a use. As Dr. Ramani says, you need a coffee maker. You don't love a coffee maker. But when you don't have a coffee maker, you sure do notice it's absence, right?

Well, YOU my dear, are the coffee maker.

These are generational childhood wounds that your love simply cannot heal. So don't even think about it. Years and years of therapy barely even help a narcissist. You sure as hell aren't going to do it after a few dates, a few months, or even a few years of tolerating their BS.

Speaking of Wounds: Trauma Bonding and the Addiction of Empathetic People

You may be as shocked as I was to understand this aspect of narcissist abuse. This was a game changer for me. I truly feel that understanding this concept was the catalyst that began my healing. So pay very close attention to this.

You know that concept of Yin and Yang, right? What one person has another person needs and together, the two fit like a glove. Well, narcissism has its own brand of Yin and Yang.

The person that's full of empathy (Yin - YOU) and the person that lacks empathy (Yang - the narcissist).

That's moth to a flame stuff right there. And here's where it really gets interesting so listen up. Once you've had an experience with a narcissist -- the abuse you've suffered will keep drawing you back to even more of them! The moth loves the flame that can destroy them.

It's "the one that got away" type of stuff. You were never quite "good enough" to land that one. So when someone else comes along that literally triggers the memories of the feelings of that past psychological abuse - the unworthiness of it all - you will find yourself ensnared all over again attempting to prove yourself worthy.

"Why, why, why does everyone discard me?!"

Well, the truth is people don't keep discarding you. It's only because you're continually dating a narcissist, one right after the other, that this happens. 

"Discarding" and "devaluing" are all part of the narcissistic cycle of abuse. And you will find yourself addicted to it, because your sense of self-worth is now tied to it. The "constant waiting" for the short term reward lights up the same areas of the brain that addiction lights up once the "reward" (breadcrumb of attention) you've worked so hard for is finally granted for a hot minute. 

You're an addict that's anxiously awaiting your next fix.

And once you've had a significant experience with a narcissist, you will find yourself "trauma bonding" to those personality types over and over again. Constantly reliving the narcissistic cycle of abuse, like an addict that cannot give up their drug, hanging on for dear life waiting to receive their next fix.

Why, am I hooked you ask? Because victims of abuse tend to subconsciously seek out situations that feel "comfortable" to them. Thus repeating the cycle of abuse over and over again in their relationships. Your brain is now addicted to the drama.

And the abuse doesn't end there. Do you know what else victims of narcissistic abuse do? 

Rumination and the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Victims of the cycle of narcissistic abuse ruminate like nobodies business. "Rumination" is part of the post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that results from narcissistic abuse. 

Going over things that happened and all the nitty-gritty details again and again, rolling them around in the mind like a crystal ball that's supposed to provide the answers. All the whys, what ifs, coulda', woulda', shoulda's - rolling around in the mind in an endless loop. Closely examined from every single angle possible again and again.

All of which is a self-sabotaging process of attempting to figure out where YOU went wrong. It's now you abusing yourself as a result of the feelings of unworthiness that have been constantly cast upon you. Because it MUST be YOUR fault that nobody wants you, right? 

Dating a narcissist is actually a very DANGEROUS game of cat and mouse. People want you. People value you. It's only the narcissists you keep dating that don't.

The Narcissists Feeding Ground: The Modern Dating World

Now, all of what I just described above may come across as the harmless trifling's of modern day dating, right? Those things otherwise known as "The Game." Replete with all those fancy new phrases like ghosting, love bombing, hoovering, etc.

Well guess what? Those things aren't new. They've been traits that psychologists have been exploring for years surrounding NPD and the narcissistic personality disorder.

Even uglier, this stuff is now being TAUGHT (as dating pick up artist methods).

Some chump somewhere along the line discovered he was a narcissist, attended therapy, and instead of using what he learned to help himself -- he figured out a way to use it nefariously against women, began teaching it to other men -- and made millions of dollars doing it.

And guess what? That chump finally accepted that he was a narcissist, and that his tactics didn't lead to love, instead they led to a lonely hookup lifestyle - and is now supposedly completely reformed and considers his manifesto book cringeworthy to read.

Men, if you're reading this, just stop. Seriously, just stop. Or you're going to end up a lonely old man sitting in his recliner grieving the days gone by and ruminating on the lonely life you've led. Your family may all be dead and gone, your children will be grown living their own lives, and you'll be sitting there - thinking and drinking, stagnant like fungus - drowning in sorrow over the choices you've made for yourself and facing the realization that you're going to die alone. Trust me on this. I've seen it with my own eyes more than once.

These tactics are like a bacteria that has infected the dating pool, damaging people's psyches.

Modern dating tactics not only permit narcissists to feed like crazy on others, but they also encourage and enable narcissistic tendencies to grow and be cultivated in young adults. It's now becoming socially acceptable to be a narcissist. Society is all too ready to reward these people for the less than honorable manipulative methods they use to propel themselves through life.

But guess who holds the keys, ladies? 

Let's get real. YOU have something THEY want (sex). You hold the power. 

When dating a narcissist, it's all about two things: the constant supply of over-the-top attention received from you, and the chase to get it. That's it. Nothing else.

So stop rewarding poor treatment and bad behavior from men with MORE of your attention. 

If you feel the need to constantly prove yourself worthy to a man, then he's not the right man for you. Period. Case closed.

Learn to Recognize a High Value Man

A good man, an emotionally high value man, that's relationship-ready will be vulnerable with you. He'll share his emotions freely. He'll share his thoughts freely. He will prioritize you and go out of his way for you. And he will make attempts to let you know where you stand with him. 

He'll say it (words) AND do it (align with actions). 

A good man doesn't want to risk losing a good woman by playing childish games. 

A good man exhibits good behavior. He does good things. He hangs out with good people. And he's able to recognize a good woman when he finds one. And when that happens, he doesn't pull any punches when it comes to winning her over and taking her off the market. 

So if you've got a guy that's constantly throwing metaphorical punches at you -- knock him out. He's disqualified.

Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship: Narcissistic Education

Now it's time for healing. Pull out a tub of ice cream, grab a blanket, and go visit Dr. Ramani's channel

Stand your ground! Learn to recognize the symptoms, learn to disconnect. You've got the power to say NO THANK YOU and break the cycle of narcissistic abuse!

And remember this -- it's not about love. It's about power, control and the need for endless narcissistic supply.

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Anonymous said...

I love this Article.Thanks for helping us.You are the best MOA!

Anonymous said...

Hi Moa.I am seeing a guy that has been consistent.He is respectful, calls and sees me regularly despite of the Pandemic. I don’t see any red flags in rea life. But i am just confuse he added me on his Ig and facebook, i accepted and saw that he follows a lot of almost naked girls on IG and liking their photos. Is this a red flag? Should i be worried about this? I had an ex like this before and he cheated on me with a Facebook friend.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 20, 10:46AM,
"Is this a red flag? Should i be worried about this?"

To me, it IS concerning. And the reason it's concerning is ... would you ever really trust this man? Or would you be in a constant state of anxiety instead?

Because without trust, it's pointless to continue further.

Think about whether or not being in a relationship under those circumstances would make you happy or not. And whether or not you'd be relaxed and trusting in that situation, or anxious and worried constantly instead.

Because the answer to your question lies within :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you MOA.I think i will be in the state of anxiety every time i see his IG and Facebook full of porny looking girls :( Plus today i saw that he even commented like “i am falling in love” . I think every guy has fantasies but his behavior in social media sounds like a childish to me and a turn off . I never spoke to him about it and he also like posting pictures of himself with nice fashion clothes. The way he treats me in person reminds me to remain confident, to stop looking at his profile but still some part of me asking if i can really trust this man, even i want to stop looking there is still times that i am curios to look at his social media. We are in 10 dates now. I really don’t know if i let him go or stay and be strong. And if ever i meet another men they would have an IG again and does the same thing. As you are like my mentor...what is the best thing that i can do ?

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA. I really like reading your posts.I have a question. What to do when a man says to me that he will call me later to talk but did not call but text me instead?I was expecting it but am a bit disappointed. I’ve been seeing him for 2months and this is the first time he did not what he said.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 22, 5:43PM,
"i will be in the state of anxiety every time i see his IG and Facebook full of porny looking girls ... As you are like my mentor...what is the best thing that i can do?"

Me personally, if I knew I would never trust the man and the relationship would be full of nothing but anxiety and worry -- I would proceed no further.

"And if ever i meet another men they would have an IG again and does the same thing."

Not true. Not every single human being, or man for that matter, has an IG account. And out of the ones that do, not every single man that has one is using it for visual porn purposes.

I'm sorry dear, but this man sounds very childish and as if he's not ready for a real relationship. If he were ready for one, he'd be focusing his energy on that and not living in la-la-land fantasizing on IG. Especially when he's got the real thing - in real life - right in front of him.

Never settle for less than you deserve - or less than what will make you happy.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 23, 1:37PM,
"What to do when a man says to me that he will call me later to talk but did not call but text me instead? I was expecting it but am a bit disappointed. I’ve been seeing him for 2months and this is the first time he did not what he said."

If it's only been this one time, you can safely overlook it.

However, if he continues to do this in the future, you have two options:

1) Do not respond to the text.
2) Respond to the text and say, "Call me."

In otherwords, if this continues ... do not make yourself available to him unless he follows through with what he's originally stated he intended to do.

Anonymous said...

Okay thank you very much for your advice. He said that he is serious with me but adding horny girls is like not appreciating what he has in real in front of her.It will make me insecure overtime. What is the proper way to say goodbye to him and to make him realized that i didn’t want his behaviour online? I am really grateful that there is you giving me advice . Thanks again a lot !

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA.I am seeing a guy for a month and half and it is exclusive. It is understood that we are seeing every weekend and for him since it’s pandemic he doesn’t care if i see him Saturday or Sunday. But sometimes he doesn’t plan what to do since it’s pandemic we have no much options. But sometimes i asked him what to do for him
To decide then he gave me an answer. My question is....is it okay to suggest to him places to go? In fact i have more ideas then him. Lately,i was too excited that i told him immediately the places to go for next date and we went there. He liked it too. Is it okay to suggest? If yes what is the proper way or amount? Is it comes as masculine ? I am afraid that if i do it more he will not plan anymore where to go and will just wait for me instead.
Thanks for your advice, as usual MOA 😊

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 26, 7:40PM,
"Is it okay to suggest? If yes what is the proper way or amount? Is it comes as masculine ? I am afraid that if i do it more he will not plan anymore where to go and will just wait for me instead."

It's okay to make suggestions. But I'd offer them all at once, and then sit back and let him choose from there each week so he can feel like a man by taking the lead.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 23, 1:48PM,
"What is the proper way to say goodbye to him and to make him realized that i didn’t want his behaviour online?"

Tell him the truth.

Tell him that his online behavior is not impressive, and makes you very uncomfortable. Explain to him that you're seeking someone that's a bit more serious about women and relationships, and that while you like him a lot -- you don't feel you'll be able to trust him or his online behavior in a relationship.

Tell him that you want to feel secure with the man in your life.

Wish him well, don't offer to remain friends (it won't work so just cut the chord), and move forward.

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA. I'm so glad to see you back again! It's been a long time since the last post you wrote and I thought you've abandoned this blog. I hope you are doing well. Can you please talk about the law of attraction and how to manifest the right man in our lives in your upcoming posts? I know that there are tons of articles on the internet explaining this concept but I would love to read your saying on this one. I've changed a lot to a better version of myself thanks to your writings. God bless you <3

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 28, 5:24AM,

Good to be back, dear :-) We can all thank my ex husband for my return LOL. Recent events in his life led me to understand and realize that I spent 12+ years with a narcissist. Which then led me to realize that the emotional and psychological abuse from that personality type is REAL - and dangerous.

Which then turned it into a message that needed to be shared with others :-)

"Can you please talk about the law of attraction and how to manifest the right man in our lives in your upcoming posts?"

I will absolutely consider doing so.

However, in the meantime, I'll share a few points that are incredibly important regarding manifestation. In order to manifest properly, one must understand that it's not about the details - the who, what, when of the outcome.

It's about the FEELINGS and BELIEF. And then the universe handles the details for you.

What I mean by that is this.

Don't focus on the man. Focus on how having a worthy man in your life would make you FEEL. And then BELIEVE that to be true -- acting as if it's already HAPPENED (pretending and behaving as if he's already in your life).

That last step is THE STEP that's the whammy in bringing about manifestation - BELIEF (it's coming; it's just a matter of time) followed by ACTION (behaving as if he's already here).

So in order to manifest properly, you must not think or focus on the details, and instead focus on the feelings. For instance, don't think things like "I want a man that's tall, dark and handsome." Instead, think things like "I AM loved. My man treats me like treasure. He makes me very happy and fulfilled." And then behave as if he's already in your life, you're happy and fulfilled and loved like a treasure.

Because what you think is what the universe delivers to you, in order to create proper balance.

If you simply think in terms of "want" - then the universe only delivers more of it, more "wanting." If you think about a tall, dark and handsome man - then the universe may deliver one. But he may not be the right one for you that treats you as you desire to be treated.

BUT, if you think you're loved like a treasure, treated like one, and you're very happy and fulfilled - the the universe delivers exactly that ... treasured love, happniness and fulfillment. And it's the universe that determines the who, what and when form to deliver that to you in.

Does that make sense?

Continued ...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

In other words, you have to BE what you desire - in order to RECEIVE it.

Be love. Be a treasure. Be happy. Be fulfilled. And the universe will rearrange itself through various circumstances and individuals that it sees fit as those able to deliver that back to you.

The details and the process in which the delivery takes place are the concern of the universe. Your only concern when it comes to manifesting is the belief and behavior portions.

Be it. Receive it.

Think of yourself as a transmitter sending out waves of energy into the universe as if you're placing an order. Think of the universe as the warehouse that's preparing your order. You don't have to worry about who's going to deliver it. Or what truck they're going to deliver it in. Or how it's going to reach your home. Or what obstacles and delays it may or may not encounter along the way.

All you need to do is place the order and eagerly - with positive excitement and belief - wait for it to arrive. And think about how happy you're going to be with your new item, picturing in your mind's eye all of the wonderful things you're going to do with it.

The universe handles the rest :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Moa, i am just here reading all your articles and reply. What about this..... i have dated many guys online , i let the Universe handling the rest while staying positive. I acted as a high value woman everytime i meet a man ,not playing hard to get but acted like a lady , enjoying the moment. But it turns out the men i meet just wanted to use me fo casual flings. But i am glad i discovered it always earlier before it’s late. I’ve been single for almost 8 years and believe me i am manifesting something and focusing to improve myself but most of the men i’d met are low value men. Maybe because most of them are in dating apps. I can see it’s very rare to find a high value ,a gentleman these days. Sometimes i am thinking does Universe even hear me? But gladly i can able to see it and walk away immediately who doesn’t serve me. And your articles also helped me a lot. But do you think there is still someone out there for me? If there is why it takes too long :( (Sorry for my English ) Good day !

Unknown said...

Hello MOA
So I am living with my bf and sometimes he acts cold with me or doesn't hug the other times he is loving and caring, which make me angry that he will hug etc only when he wants? how to behave? or at least mirror him without making him realise I am mirroring him. PS happy you are back.

Anonymous said...

Hi again MOA. I was the woman who asked you advice on April 20- about social media.I finally told him to stop seeing him and wish him the best. He replied to me that when he was in Thailand he met many women there and also went to a hostess bar that is why there are many women on his IG. But i did not buy it coz before i meet him he only added few women and during the time we dated i saw it was more and more, he also added just normal random girls that can be contacted anytime. I think there was an intention behind it-maybe a plan B.

He also told me that hope that i could also find someone better and that we can still see each other but not anymore serious because he is not a serious person. I was shocked by this reply. I thought that we was really serious coz there was no red flag other than his online behavior. He acted like a gentleman and he even told me that he saw me as a long term not am adventure. He took me to a proper dates outside and cooked me food. In his pasts he told me he has a lot of girlfriends during 20s , he was been serious but no future as he was still young. I thought really that he was a serious person.

This man is an Aries - european guy and i am Asian. Would it be that he replied like that because his ego was hurt or he is just a total Player ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 4, 3:42 AM,
"Would it be that he replied like that because his ego was hurt or he is just a total Player?"

It's hard to say. Could be either one or both. There are insecurities showing here on his part though.

"He told me that hope that i could find someone better [he's showing that he's insecure and didn't feel good enough, and thinks you deserve someone better] and that we can still see each other [because he wants sex] but not seriously anymore because he is not a serious person [then he's either lying now, or was lying previously]. I was shocked by this reply."

Insecure individuals respond in this manner in an attempt to throw you off and dent your confidence. It's as if to say, "That's okay, I wasn't serious about you anyway." It's a false mask to hide their insecurities, and it's also a sign of emotional immaturity.

A mature man with nothing to hide would react to that by:

1) Attempting to reassure you that he's a good man that can be trusted.
2) Would've shown you that he DOESN'T want you to give up on you by telling you that he wants a different outcome and asking what he can do to make that happen.
3) Would've offered to unfriend or unfollow all these nobody women he doesn't even know on social media in an effort to do the work of being one half of a healthy relationship.

This doesn't mean he's a bad man.

But it does show that he lacks the emotional maturity to maintain a healthy relationship, and is also too immature to do the right thing in order to move the relationship forward.

He's likely just not ready to do the work or make the sacrifices necessary for a mature, committed relationship :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA. I’ve been dating a guy. Everything was good and we are exclusive now. Then i decided to spend the night with him every weekend after 2 and half months.But i noticed this guy did not ask to go to my place at least to see or to know how i live.He loves to stay in his house since it’s still pandemic here with a curfew. But he wasn’t curios to see my apartment. I wasn’t even sure if he knows where i live. He also did not ask much about my past if i have past lovers after my divorced. Is this a red flag? He treated my properly though,asked about my family and work, and is consistent.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 8, 12:59 AM,
"I wasn’t even sure if he knows where i live. He also did not ask much about my past if i have past lovers after my divorced. Is this a red flag?"

No. If you are not experiencing a major majority of the issues discussed in the article above, you are not dealing with a narcissist.

As well, it's extremely damaging to any relationship to "live in the past." There's no need, or healthy reason, for partners to be discussing past lovers at all. It will only bring up insecurities, cause resentments, and cause one another to begin to compare themselves to their partners past lovers.

Not healthy at all. Partners should be focused on their future together. Not each others pasts.

Anonymous said...

Okay. Thank you so much MOA.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Thank you for the article! I wanted to ask you your thoughts on how to deal with a covert narcissist with a strong martyr complex?

My potential mother in law is starting a smear campaign after I told her my boundaries of I only wanted to talk to her if there is an emergency.

Dealing with a narcissist is hard and draining and there’s a reason I didn’t want to live under her roof. Now I’m getting punished for it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 18, 12:27 PM,
I'm not a professional, however, having dealt with many narcissism myself in those around me I'm of the mind that narcissism in general runs along common themes -- the 4 stages of the cycle of abuse.

And trying to defend yourself really only gives them even more ammo to conduct a smear campaign with. Meaning, if you become emotional, angry, frustrated or any of the above in a public way towards them or the situation, they will only use that as fuel. They'll then be able to say things like, "See, I told you she's crazy." Or, "She's too emotional." Or, "She's too unreasonable." Things along those lines.

Basically, they'll use your response to then gaslight you and others into thinking you're the problem.

So the best way to deal with them, is to use tactics like "gray rocking" - steering clear of them, flying under their radar, not reacting to their attempts to unsettle you, and remaining calm and in control of yourself at all times.

Once they realize you're not going to play into their game and provide the response they intended to receive from the actions they took -- it's no "fun" for them, and eventually, they find a new target. One that tends to respond easily in the manner they want them to, by reacting to their antics in the ways they expect.

Don't be predictable like that. Don't react. Because that's exactly what they're after (so they can then escalate the situation).

So what is gray rocking? It's basically holding a "Meh" attitude towards them.

Like as in, "Do what you gotta' do. Say what you gotta' say. Tell who you gotta' tell. Doesn't matter to me. Because none of it will be affecting me or the boundaries I've set in place."

You're just like a big gray rock with no opinion and no reaction. You're not jumping into battle. Not responding. And not defending yourself. You're giving them absolutely NOTHING further to escalate the situation.

As the gray rock, you're not permitting them to control you or your emotional responses. YOU are clearly signaling that you are in control. Not them.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA, what do you think about apologizing for old narcissistic behavior towards a feminine triggering guy?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 8, 2021,

Apology is a part of human growth. Meaning, if you've grown enough emotionally and intellectually to understand that an apology is warranted for negative past behavior you've lobbed towards another ... then apologizing shows you've matured.

It also shows you've developed an understanding of your own self. And that you've developed an understanding of your own issues. Specifically, how they negatively affect your behavior towards others, resulting in self-sabotaging actions that destroy relationships and permanently damage those on the receiving end of it.

Make no mistake -- narcissism does damage.

Permanent damage. The harsh criticism. The feelings of low self-worth it creates (the narcissists own feelings about themselves projected onto others). The shame. The heightened anxiety. The low sense of self-worth.

All very damaging. All of which has lasting effects ... that is, unless and until one of two things happens:

1) The narcissist receives help and education, and rights past wrongs with those they've harmed (apologizing).

2) The victim educates themselves and forms an understanding of narcissism, which enables them to recognize it when it is taking place in their lives ... and to NOT claim it as their OWN. In other words, the victim sees it for what it is (a personality disorder) and does not absorb it as a sign that something is wrong with THEM. Much like when dealing with someone who has Alzheimer's. You understand it's a disorder of the mind and you do not take what is being thrown at you as truth. Instead, you see it for what it is and you let it slide off of you, accepting that it's a disorder that's causing the behavior.

So long story short ... apologizing brings healing. It rights old wrongs. It shows maturity and growth. It shows development and understanding. It shows you DO care about the individual and their wellbeing.

Apologizing is very mature thing to do. And it's also something that requires personal strength and resolve.

It opens the door to healing and positive communication.

BUT -- if you're talking about apologizing to a narc because you yourself had to take on narc qualities to PROTECT yourself ... then no, that's a waste of time. Unless YOU receive an apology from the NARC FIRST.

However, if you ARE the narc - then apologize. Because it's just the right thing to do.

Anonymous said...

I would say run for the hills. But of course is never that easy. Until you find out who they really are, some investment has already been done and that comes with some attachment. In my case, this guy chased me online! I was not even looking for a romantic thing. And I ignored him, even laughing about his pathetic attempts. But with persistence we eventually got talking on the phone. And he said that never met someone like me and I should trust him in this new "relationship". I was completely bafled, how can someone that I don't even know be so head over hills. I sensed desperation. And that got my gut feeling and alarm bells ringing so furiously. But at the same time the dopamine kicks in and makes you feel so high and adored. So I carried on with contact. And this great feeling. At the same time I said that if he is so impressed with me, we should meet. There was always an excuse. Some telephone calls were very strange, he would seem completely phased out and empty. I put it down to work related stress. Subtly the game shifted, he will not be so attentive, and ignore me. One day he sent me a text that meant to be for another woman. Then he called me, to see my reaction. I did not mention anything. But that is when I got out. Started reading about love bombing and the cycle of abuse. I have previously dealt with a narc as my boss, but even with past experiences it is difficult to recognize. Empathic people always give the benefit of the doubt and have, or I have, a more optimistic outlook on people. So bad experiences do not stop me meeting new people, and have a productive exchange. My almost 3 months online fling has truly ended, he dumped me. A little bit of heartache but I am glad that I have run before the damage would start. It's not always obvious to read the signs because we are clouded with other emotions. And during the initial love bombing phase you feel on top of the world, like never before. And this was purely an online interaction, I am so glad about this now, dodged a massive bullet

Lin said...

So glad to see you back mirror. I reread your posts and feel so empowered subsequently. This work you do is life saving !

Anonymous said...

Thank you. Great advice!

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