Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Spirit,
"If he isnt attracted to me and have no chemistry. why he come back looking for me and why he wont let me leave and keeping asking me to stay another night."

Free sex dear :-(

"I am lost and I do love him but he hurt me so bad that now i am thinking of doing the disappearing thing to him."

Never give your love to someone who doesn't return it back to you.

And yes, disappear. I fear he's only using you :-(; March 21, 2013 at 6:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LONDON CALLING,
There you are, LOL ;-)

"What is it about female DNA that we must PUSH, in order to get REJECTED, come onto this blog, find our self worth and PROJECT IT?"

I think honestly, it's because women are the "givers of life." Meaning, they have complex emotions and the ability to emotionally "tune in" deeply - because they bear children.

Imagine if a woman didn't have those complex "bonding" emotions? What kind of mother would she be then? If she couldn't figure out what her child was feeling or why her baby wouldn't stop crying?

Women bond stronger than men.

"Why isn't it as natural for us as it is for guys?"

They don't push a human being out of their body dear, LOL ;-)

"Is it in our DNA?"

Yes, I believe it is and I believe it links somehow with the ability to bear children, as I've stated above - the range of emotions and "bonding" capabilities of a woman far outweigh those of a man.

But I'll let Peter jump in on this one because I'm sure he's got some better, more scientific, insights on the matter ;-)

I watched that video. LADIES, WATCH THIS VIDEO:

http://ow.ly/jenhx

It's absolutely HYSTERICAL.

I've seen grown men act like that, LOL!!!; March 21, 2013 at 6:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mar 21, 2013 4:28 AM,
"part of me wonders if I should've made one more effort after his total blow-off the other week"

No, don't expose yourself to more pain and confusion or give him the impression that there's no other men interested in you and that you're desperate for his attention.

"Should I just keep ploughing ahead with no contact?"

Yep. A genuinely interested man seeks a woman out dear ;-)

He has some "stuff" going on anyway that I'm not sure you'd really want to be a part of right now.

He'll be back eventually :-); March 21, 2013 at 6:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much MOA. You make very good points - I think I would, indeed, absorb some of his "stuff". I had A LOT of stuff I had to work through - a lot, and given that I'm still vulnerable, being with this man could set me back.

I got such a comforting and balanced feeling while reading your advice. I can be so black or white. Your response showed me there is wiggle room, but take caution. It's like spring - showing us there's life. :-)

Many thanks!
Points North; March 21, 2013 at 6:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, I was wondering about the rubberband affect. I clicked on one of the links above & somewhere in that article says the man will start to pull away when the relationship has evolved some, & that a man should not be disappearing in a fairly new relationship, but there are men that do pull away that soon, & reappear.

Does the amount of time invested in the relationship matter whether or not he disappears & reappears? Because I don't really think it matters.; March 22, 2013 at 2:18 AM
chk61 said...: Gemini 50, maybe you're right about my injury causing me to slow down and re-examine things...in reality, it's pretty serious (may require surgery). So without going into details, suffice it to say that the last 7 weeks, notwithstanding the disappearing man, have been very challenging.

The general consensus from friends, internet friends, etc is that he is going to "pop up" at some point. I'm certainly not banking on it although I know (from stories on this board and my own experience) that it is possible. I was trying to remember if I've ever had a guy disappear after five seemingly successful dates and I actually don't think I have! Usually I got some kind of an explanation (although the disappearing man phenomenon certainly has been going on for many years, in the internet dating age it seems to have become rather commonplace lately, as Mirror pointed out). So this is newish territory for me.

Regaining my body and strength back is my number one priority. It is lonely and scary to face this by myself and I don't feel I'm in any shape to try to meet new people at this point. Getting close to 60 days of no initiated contact from him. I still think of him a lot unfortunately, (most mornings I wake up with a memory or he's in my mind) but I know with time these memories will fade and won't feel as acute nor affect me.

And once I get better (and I WILL get better even if it does require surgery) there will be space opened up for a new *improved* man to come into my life. ;-); March 22, 2013 at 7:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 22, 2:18 AM,
No, time really has nothing to do with it. Men disappear after a week, a month, 6 months, a year - it really doesn't matter.

I think it's more about his maturity level, his emotional capabilities, his confidence, his feelings for the woman, etc. It's a combination of several factors and/or situations.; March 22, 2013 at 9:07 AM
chk61 said...: My thoughts on the rubber band effect, just based on stuff I've read per John Gray: if it happens in the early stages of dating then it's usually something else going on other than he is going into his "cave". From what I've read and if I'm to understand this concept correctly, true rubber banding occurs after a relationship has been established. Do you agree, Mirror? How can a man truly "rubber band" if he's never allowed things to progress past say 5 dates or a couple of months?

But I agree a man can disappear at any ole time, there does not seem to be a rhyme or reason to Houdini acts. And whether or not a man reappears is also the great big unknown but it seems they often do.; March 22, 2013 at 9:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi! I am not sure whether this is the right forum to put the query but i am asking anyway :)

I was an on line dating site and met a guy. He is a successful man. Our first date was great. Had a good time chatting. Second date onwards, he was rushing things , getting physical and wanted sex on the 3rd date. I backed off and he disappeared. He used to text frequently and it stopped. I didn't bother contacting him. It has been 5months. I got bored of dating sites and deleted my profile 2 months ago. Now I wanted to start afresh and created a new profile with the new description last week and no similarity to my earlier profile except for age and height. The first person to send me the interest was this same guy! I haven't taken any action yet. My options are either decline the interest or just ignore and keep him waiting for the response. What do I do?; March 22, 2013 at 10:00 AM
Anonymous said...: The problem is when I am sick he take care of me. When I am cold he make warm. When I am hungry he cooks for me. Yet he said those hurtful things. How can he using me for sex but do all those things. And why if is only sex . He doesnt let me go home . He push me to go to school..but yet he isnt attracted to me or dont have any chemistry; March 22, 2013 at 11:14 AM
Lady Leo said...: Update on the girl friend I went NC on. To recap: She has not been present in our friendship and has taken be for granted. Has not reciprocated the level of care that I give to her. 7 days ago I had the flu and she was AWOL. this time I got resentful so I needed to let go. I stopped initiating contact for almost a week. This week she has called many times. Seems women notice the NC much faster than men, huh? LOL

I did not respond for 5 days or so. Just had a phone conversation with her now. I was cool, calm and collected and said how I felt. She was nearly mute. She made all kinds of excuses, with the biggest one that her son's passport has been delayed and they can't take their extravagant european vacation till it gets in. They've even had to get a US senator involved!! My god, what travesty she is encountering! She had no idea how lame and self centered that came off as.

So, I can say I definitely maintained my boundaries and stood up for myself. I am ok with letting the relationship go because I value myself today and she does not. So, let go and let God.

Now if only it were this easy with the man I cared about. I do have to say as the days go by (I stopped counting but its nearly 8 weeks) since he faded out and disappeared, I am seeing him in a different, less flattering view. I believe I was more addicted to the way I felt than him as a person.

So his disappearing on me may have been a blessing in disguise. :); March 22, 2013 at 11:59 AM
Lady Leo said...: Some dating site experience to share.

1. 2 guys send nice emails expressing interest. I exchange 2 "get to know you" messages with both. Neither asks me questions, just make statements, so I do not reply back. Not going to do the "heavy lifting" in generating communication.

Result: silence. Half interest from them at best. I move on.

2. First email from another guy :"Hi Sexy..would love to talk to you. call me at XXX XXX XXXX".

Result: I laugh my head off. LOL. He had winked previously and I ignored it. Guess he thought I was playing hard to get, huh? :P

I replied with "learn how to communicate with a woman before you act like a child". Then blocked him. :)

3. First email: Make nice comment relating to my profile comments. Wishes me a happy day. I reply with equal nice comment. Ask a question. He replies quickly with nice comment but no questions. I ignore. Less than 24 hrs he initiates again with questions. Ok, going good here. This morning he wishes me a happy day and says if I wanna text, here is his number. Ok, nothing wrong with that, BUT I wont text. Why? Cus MOA won't let me!! LOL. Rather, she suggests WE do not initiate. So, don't know how I will respond but I will figure it out.

bottom line: I won't do any heavy lifting at all anymore. If they want to open THIS treasure box, they will have to find their map and make their trek to me.

I AM VALUABLE!!!; March 22, 2013 at 12:34 PM
clueless said...: Dear MOA,

This is Anonymous from March 11 @ 11.22am. I think you may have skipped my question cause there are so many anonymous posting here.

I'd really hope you can give me your insight.. So it's been a week or so now.. Guy C did contact me in the end and he messed up our third date because he didn't text me the whole day until later that evening. When he did text, he asked where I was and I told him 'home'. I said I didn't hear from him.. And he apologised etc saying he will make it up. He did text me after just like once or twice. IT IS FRUSTRATING. Then he had to go back to his home country cause his grandma passed away and told me if I didn't hear from him it's because he does not have whatsapp on his local phone. But he did contact me once while he was there and it was really brief. And then now it's back to the same thing where I don't hear from him a day or two and he just messages me out of nowhere. This is frustrating! I feel like just walking away from this whole situation now. But every time he texts, he says things that reminds me why I like him. He remembers what i like, he told me he likes me to my face etc. I can't figure if he is really busy or he is like that. He did mention on his dating profile that he treasures free time a lot cause he is a busy person. And he did say he wants to see me (for a third date) we really had fun. I am so confused. I know I'm supposed to occupy myself with things which I am. But I cannot play this 'tug of war' with my emotions over him. I feel like talking to him about it, but it's too crazy because we are not anything. But then again, guys who like me constantly texts me and he doesn't! What should I do? I don't know if he really likes me or... Please help. Thanks!; March 22, 2013 at 1:16 PM
MissHim said...: I am not sure how much details is important for having my answer..let me know if more is required.

I am 29 and he is 34.

I was dating this man from past 5 months..we had arguments 3-4 times and all the times I told him to go away and then after 2 to 9 days (different each time) I went back to him and he was kind of waiting for me to return to him and loved me even more, but just 5 days back he asked me to make out at his place, to which I refused (all text conversation because I was at work couldn't talk) , he replied then there is no point in seeing each other since relationship is not progressing, I replied , dont text me ever, what you said is shameful..he replied..that I misunderstood and he is more than happy to disconnect from someone who can be so stupid and its his last text..I replied..thats just non-sense.

We loved each other a lot. But sometimes he used to ask to make out but I kept giving excuses (because its so new and I am not sure that he is not in it for just that) and that frustrated him and made him ignore me and that was the reason of all our previous fights (mostly).

I want him back because I honestly love him and want to have serious relationship and I read everywhere that 'no sex' will make him commit seriously!! But that has caused a lot of friction in my case.

Now haven't heard from him, have been following NC, do want him back. Do I stand any chance??; March 22, 2013 at 3:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, thank you for your reply. I tried to follow your advice but somehow the situation got out of my hands. So when this man who I had disappeared on called again, I answered. He asked in a possessive way what the matter had been with me and I said in a cool voice that I was okay, only I didn´t intend to continue meeting him. So the start of the conversation was my successs. And then I made the mistake Mirror had warned me about. He asked about the reasons and I started to explain that he had been disrespectful and pointed out when and how. He raised his voice and started to manipulate me by blaming me and provoked me bacause he was obviously lying. I got emotional, but fortunately only a little, so I didn´t shout, I just raised my voice. So basically, I argued with him, which I shouldn´t have. BUT in the end I didn´t forget to mention that I had met other interesting men on the dating site, which isn´t true BTW, I did meet some men but not interesting ones:-(, and repeated that I was not going to meet him anymore, to which he interrupted the call.

Well, my original intention was to write something funny to entertain you, but it wasn´t funny at all. I will never understand one thing: Men like this put more and more pressure on a woman to test how much she can bear. They do it knowing that they might lose her. Still, they continue pushing her to the limits. Why are they so surprised then when she dumps them? I just can´t understand this. Because he was really very, very surprised to hear my verdict and although I didn´t see his face I felt he was taken aback.

Well, that´s the end of my story. I must again confirm that Mirror is absolutely right in everything she writes here and I´ve come to the conclusion that when there are any red flags it´s better to move on unless you are willing to teach the man step by step how he should treat a woman. Which I told this man I wasn´t going to. He was really shocked.

I am sorry to hear some sad news here. I wish that all the men that worry you changed miraculously for the better! (-:
HopefulWithMen; March 22, 2013 at 4:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 22, 10:00 AM,
Sounds like he's working that dating site pretty damn hard, LOL.

Unless you want a repeat of exactly what happened the first time around with him - move on dear :-); March 22, 2013 at 4:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Regarding the rubber band effect being discussed here, many relationship experts discuss it and lots of folks have various opinions of it.

Me personally, I've seen it happen early, late and in between both established and non-established relationships and for various reasons.

So I really think it depends on the individual, the level of interest and whether or not they're emotionally available for a relationship at the time the pull back takes place.

But regardless of timing, I truly do believe that "healthy" tension adds in a positive way to relationships. It's akin to "give and take" basically. And that's really the message he's attempting to share with that concept.

A healthy exchange of energy being tossed between two people - back and forth, in equal amounts.

It really can positively add to the experience couples have with one another if done playfully and without malice.

For all you younger gals and social media addicts, imagine it like a Facebook poke, LOL. He pokes, you poke, he pokes you poke . . . and after 5 pokes, everyone's laughing and having fun (or annoyed and swearing, LOL ;-)

Either way, you're "stimulating" one another ;-); March 22, 2013 at 4:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 22, 11:14 AM,
"How can he using me for sex but do all those things."

He knows that doing those things is what makes you give in and have sex with him.

"And why if is only sex . He doesnt let me go home"

Honey, we could sit here all day and over analyze this situation and every little move this man makes. If you're asking me, I'd say he's a bit insecure and lonely, and likes having a woman around for companionship, sex and to wash away the loneliness.

But rather than spend your time and energy reading into every little move this man makes or every little thing he says - I'd suggest that you live your life to the fullest and refrain from making him your focus. It isn't healthy dear.

"but yet he isnt attracted to me or dont have any chemistry"

I never said he wasn't attracted to you and that there wasn't any chemistry. I said that I fear he's using you for sex. Which means that he does like you - but that he just doesn't want a relationship right now, unfortunately :-(; March 22, 2013 at 4:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
Read this piece on online dating. It suggests how to handle some of those situations:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/online-internet-dating-advice-dos-donts-women-mistake.html

For instance:

"This morning he wishes me a happy day and says if I wanna text, here is his number. Ok, nothing wrong with that, BUT I wont text. Why? Cus MOA won't let me!! LOL. Rather, she suggests WE do not initiate. So, don't know how I will respond but I will figure it out."

When a guy tosses his number out at you like that and expects YOU to take the lead role - you simply reply back providing him with YOUR number - and you invite him to contact you.

Then you move on. If he contacts you, excellent. If he doesn't, you dodged a bullet because he never would've been the type of man to make you happy anyway. (He would've been a lazy man that made you carry the burden of keeping the relationship going on YOUR shoulders).; March 22, 2013 at 4:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Clueless,
I responded. It's addressed to "@Very Grateful."; March 22, 2013 at 5:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @MissHim,
"Now haven't heard from him, have been following NC, do want him back. Do I stand any chance??"

Well at some point dear, you're going to have to stop worrying about what HE wants and start worrying about what YOU want.

Is he fulfilling your needs? Is he making you happy, or is he making you miserable? Does he make you feel good, or does he make you feel bad about yourself?

Because when folks say that no sex earns commitment, generally (and this is most times, not all, I can't speak for everyone here) they're referring to the early days of a budding relationship.

First of all, he's asking you to make out, not have sex. To me, making out is kissing and fooling around.

Secondly, at some point dear, yes, he's going to want you to show him some physical affection. If you're not willing to kiss a man or show him any form of physical affection after 5 months of dating, he's going to think you're not interested in him.

So rather than worry about his needs, think about your own. If you need a man that won't expect you to kiss him after 5 months, then this isn't going to work with him. But if you're okay with kissing a man after 5 months of dating, then kiss him and enjoy yourself.

Like I said, I don't consider making out to be sex. Maybe he does, I don't know. But you might want to find out what he means when he says that. And if it's just kissing, then yes, after 5 months of dating, kissing is acceptable. And for that matter, after 5 months of dating, if the man has been a gentleman and he's stuck around for 5 months treating you nice and respecting your wishes - it's okay to have sex with him.

If you've had more than 8 or 9 dates with this man, it's okay to have sex with him dear. (Unless you're a virgin and you're waiting for marriage, that's different.); March 22, 2013 at 5:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
This is NOT a sad story dear - it's a VICTORY.

I advised to text and not to answer the phone because, as you saw, men will ENGAGE you in battle when it's handled that way.

However, in spite of that, you stood firm and I can guarantee you sweetie - he has a WHOLE NEW opinion of you. So good for you!

It takes a lot of personal strength to stand your ground like that and to not let a man get under your skin and get you all worked up. And you stood strong here, so give yourself a big pat on the back for that one.

Because when you first arrived here sweetie, honestly, I was very concerned for you.

Not anymore ;-)

You're now able to take care of yourself and look out for yourself properly - as it should be. So remember that and look at this as a victory, not a defeat.

This was actually a major milestone for you dear, so please view it as such - something very positive.

"Why are they so surprised then when she dumps them?"

There's a very clear explanation. I believe I've stated before to you that this man was insecure. And ladies, pay heed here, this is why it doesn't pay to date an insecure man - they WILL drive you nuts, LOL.

He tested you because:

1) He assumed you were weak
2) He assumed you were emotional
3) He assumed you were easily manipulated
4) He assumed there were no other men in your life
5) He assumed you were needy
6) He assumed he "had you" from day one

Which is why he placed you "on the shelf" as a Plan B of sorts. Because he thought, "Okay this was easy, my work here is done. I'll put here off to the side here while I go and check to see if there's something better. If not, I'll come back. If there is, I'll leave her there and ring her whenever I need to, because she'll be there."

Only what happened was - HE UNDERESTIMATED YOU.

What he failed to realize is that while he was busy making all of these erroneous assumptions about you and snap judgments about you - you were OBSERVING him.

You see, he failed to realize - YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A CHOICE.

He was over confident and his ego fooled him into thinking he had already sealed the deal here. So when he realized something in his plan was amiss, he was blown away.

Because you see, with insecure men, that's the formula, the recipe if you will, that they use time and time and time again with women. And shockingly enough - it's works 98% of the time.

The recipe is:

1 cup of compliments
3 cups of bullshit
1/4 teaspoon of effort
1/2 cup of false promises

Combine and beat in large mixing bowl. Drop onto a rotation scheduled and bake at 350 degrees. Let cool to room temperature (disappear). Place into an airtight storage container. Enjoy at your leisure (can be stored for up to 3 months).

And what happened here is, he pulled the airtight storage container off the shelf to enjoy the contents - and they were moldy and had spoiled.

This doesn't happen often and he's a master chef. Hmm, what went wrong? Did he add an extra cup of bullshit by mistake? Or did he need another 1/4 teaspoon of effort? Hmm. . .

LOL ;-); March 22, 2013 at 5:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,I am happy that you are happy for me! I have learned so much from your advice here that I will be grateful to you forever. And you are right again. Although I didn´t write all the details of the phone conversation you quessed 100% correct that what he was confused about was that I had been watching his behaviour silently without saying much about it. This really shocked him, he obviously didn´t expect anything like that of me. And I did it on your advice. Thanks again and I wish you all the very best!
HopefulWithMen; March 22, 2013 at 6:19 PM
MissHim said...: @MOA

Thanks for your response. He did not use the words make out, my bad, he said 'make love'. We do kiss quite a lot and are very touchy. I am okay with that but he wants to have sex and I feel he shouldn't be giving me ultimatums to have sex otherwise it won't go anywhere! If he does that then like I said to him, its a shame!! And don't bother calling me!

I want to make sure that he loves me thats why he wants to sleep with me and that he did not do months of hard work to get months of free sex. I do not trust people easy. Because I have heard too many stories of betrayals. Guys do that they trap women, get bored and move on. Not all but quite a few are players.

Now I am not doubting him too much but I am not going to give him date, time & place to meet me where we can have sex!!

Having said all that, at the moment I just wish I knew if he will ever be back, if someone told me that he needs space for 1-2 months or more but he will be back then I will be fine but if I were told by the sound of it he is never coming back then that would hurt a lot and this uncertainty hurts a lot too.; March 22, 2013 at 6:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @MissHim,
"If someone told me that he needs space for 1-2 months or more but he will be back then I will be fine but if I were told by the sound of it he is never coming back then that would hurt a lot and this uncertainty hurts a lot too."

No one can give you the "guarantees" you're looking for dear.

If he's a genuinely interested man - he'll be back :-); March 22, 2013 at 7:13 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Hopefulw/Men - Cheers! (w/a teacup) lol

@ Ms. Mirror - Love your last response to Hopeful... Absolutely perfect. Thank you.; March 22, 2013 at 7:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Anon from Mar 21, 2013 4:28 AM again.

Thanks Mirror - just the encouragement I needed.

The silly thing is I know no contact works - I unknowingly employed it twice over the last couple of years with guys I dated very briefly. The first one (again with unresolved issues from his last relationship - how do I keep finding these people!) returned after about 6 months, and then again after about 9 months I think. On the first occasion I responded politely and we had a quick chat about how things had been, but he never made any move to ask me out so off we both disappeared again. The second time I just couldn't be bothered at all :)

The second guy went totally MIA after asking me out on a second date. This was very strange at the time - why do this then vanish? Sure enough, three months later, totally out of the blue, there he was. We did go on that second date, which only showed we should have stopped at one haha.

Of course the thing is now that I actually *want* the disappearing man to come back, every day feels like an eternity! Truth be told I'm not sure there is much of a future here anyway, and I half suspect he might actually already be seeing someone else, but I hate loose ends too much for it to end like this ;)

I'm keeping myself busy with more important things for now, and will keep you all posted if (when? lol) he reappears.; March 22, 2013 at 8:42 PM
Anonymous said...: I LOVED your response to "HopefulWithMen"!

The point to all this isn't about/against MEN, it's about insecure men. There are decent men out there who don't need this NC business because they're healthy emotionally. What I view here is advice to insecure men and women and how to deal with each other respectfully and to gain our own self-respect.

And the advice MOA provides is the same ol' stuff our mothers taught their daughters back in the day. Something just messed all this up. They knew something about men and taught their daughters the same thing MOA is teaching us. It's just now so out there and on the Internet that men see it and think it's game playing. It's not. What it comes down to is teaching women to honor and respect THEMSELVES and, BTW...this is how you do it...what MOA is teaching us.

Something got lost in translation over the years.

~Points North~; March 22, 2013 at 9:06 PM
chk61 said...: I agree, great response from Mirror to Hopeful With Men...I only pray that if/when I ever hear from my disappearing man (who is definitely insecure) that I can receive such accolades from MOA!; March 22, 2013 at 9:33 PM
V-girl said...: So I am currently in a stand still with a re-appearing disappearing man. I talked about it briefly previously, but he disappeared on me last November/December. We reconnected at the beginning of the year, but I was suspicious he only back to try and have sex with me or was lonely. However, things have been a little different with him this time. We talk a ton more. We used to talk once a week, but the past few weeks he was texting or calling frequently. I have deduced that the guy is somewhat insecure. He is in a lucrative position, but what I see in my interactions with him is that he doesn't have a ton of dating experience. His behavior around me is inconsistent; he sometimes can't be himself because he tries to overcompensate for what he thinks I am looking for. Even though I actually like him the way I met him. It makes me more uneasy around him than anything, since I don't trust the "fake" him.

Anyways, earlier in the month we went out, and he said he wanted to have sex because it would bond us. This past week he invited me to his house. He inquired again whether or not I was ready for sex. I nixed his advances AGAIN, but we kissed each other briefly. He totally initiated it, and I responded because I do like him. I spent about 2 hours with him while he studied for his boards. He invited me, but acted if I invited myself. Yeah ok... Its like he used his boards as an excuse to "ignore" me or act uninterested after I rejected his sexual advances. I didn't panic or try to interrupt him. I made the mistake last time when I saw him pulling away by nagging and texting him because I was scared of losing his attention. I just sat there very calm. I know any type of rejecting can damage someone's self esteem, so I let him have his moment to lick his wounds and gather himself.

Later that night I inquired about some food he was eating. I asked if his friend made it for him. He said his " yeah, my home girl who is African made it." I know he said it to try and make me jealous. Now I am fearless. If he just wants sex, well he lost this game. I value myself as a high quality woman, and I communicated with my actions that I won't be settling for a booty call or a friends with benefits. I'm def not going to compete for a man with any woman. He hasn't proven himself to me yet especially after that stunt he pulled that hurt me. I adored this guy when we first met, and he ruined the emotional connection we had by ignoring me. FYI...we have never slept together, and I am a virgin.

I haven't heard from since Sunday, and I won't contact him again until he picks up the phone. I predicted it to my sister that I probably won't hear from him for two weeks.He's probably off thinking he got me where he wants me, and I will come looking for him. In addition, he may think he doesn't need me, so I am going to let him fester on those thoughts until he is desiring intimacy again, and I feel like he desires me despite his hesitation.

I have rejected him twice sexually, and basically implied that I was entertaining other men when he asked. He even told me he cares if I was dating other men because I may be getting sex somewhere else. Mind you before he ENCOURAGED me to date other men..Like really? I'll give him his space to figure it out. When he starts actually like a man who I want standing beside me, then I will give him more attention. He better not wait too long though!

V-girl; March 22, 2013 at 9:58 PM
V-girl said...: @HopefulWithMen- some men think woman are so naive and desperate that they will do anything to be with them. You proved him wrong! You emphatically showed and told him that you don't need him! That's a bruise to the ego. Once they realize you don't care if they are there or not, they will actually respect you more. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy comes back again to apologize or try to start over again.; March 22, 2013 at 10:08 PM
SilentScream said...: It's been 22 days since the last text he sent the day after I unfriended him. I think of him everyday and still hope he'll reach out with a text to me some time soon. I feel hopeless. =( Did I do the right thing unfriending him?; March 23, 2013 at 2:21 AM
clueless said...: Thanks MOA :) Sorry I missed out on your reply.; March 23, 2013 at 4:08 AM
Dove said...: Hi MOA,

I asked a while back about a guy and it is confusing me so much. I know that I shouldn't be thinking about it. But its just eating me up to know the truth. I was dating a guy 3 months ago and the first week was great. We met on a Sunday, he initiated contact, we went on a date didn't touch at all, we talked in my car and then went to his house where his roommate was, his roommate and I got along great (he even said that im a keeper), later we had our first kiss, which led to touching (but no sex and I didnt take my clothes off). The next day (at night) I say something to him and he initiates another date lunch the following day (Friday). On this date, we planned to go somewhere but I got held up in school, I was courteous to let him know and not waste his time. He still wanted to see me. So I came over, we watched tv, he made me food, I gave him a massage, we kissed, joked, and things got a little further than before (no sex or me taking off my clothes), he said he likes me and wanted to spend more quality time with me and that he didn't want to go (his plans for that night). After that, I try to give him space since we talked everyday that week. I appreciate that he remembers everything i said, great listener, and his honesty even when its not something i want to hear. For example: He told me late the first date that he was talking to someone and dating me. I dont expect him to only talk to me when I just met him. But I was shocked at the honesty.
Monday night, I said goodnight and hope he had a productive day he said Im sure you did as well. Then Wed I say Good morning and he says "Good morning! I was just going to text you...apologizing for my distance. I am having a hard time balancing 2 people at the same time when I like you and want to put more effort into you." I say I like you too. I was giving you space and you know Ive been crazy around finals." Hes like, "I just dont want to waste your time hun." I ask him why (still being light hearted). "Because we don't talk as much...or hang out...and I'm sexual." (i had no idea what hes talking about) but I joked and said basically don't rush it with me. He said "you're right." I asked him later that day why he randomly said that to me and he said "because we don't talk as much". I am the kind of person that feels like I'm being annoying if I text a guy everyday but I do understand the give and take aspect. So the next day, he surprisingly hmu to talk and we talked until sleep. I jokingly asked him about his date and he said I didnt know I was on one. I said the girl you're talking to and he said oh yea its fine. I saw aw how cute and hes like "yea :/" So we keep talking and he said hell hmu the next day. The next day I invite him to go see a movie together and he offers the next day. While planning the time I didn't seem readily available I made up things like after I have to do this and that im free. So he says Ill let you know. He never did. No explanation or apology. I know he works that day but still.; March 23, 2013 at 5:00 AM
Dove said...: So I don't ask why or contact him. Later that night on twitter (at random), he said Attention: it is possible to be too honest, "Im sorry"someone says then tell them he said "I cant", then he says "F #*K eggshells!"Idk if he was talking about me but I have a strong feeling. 1 week later of NC, I say happy holidays (bad idea) and he responds same to you miss. I didn't say anything else and that was the last time I spoke to him. I assumed he didnt want me. I do believe what you told me before that I took on the role of the aggressor and that is the exact reason I don't try to hit guys up more often. It is something I hear my guy friends say about me as well (that I dont text or call enough). I noticed all of his friends say he has two personalities- 1. fun and charming 2. distant and silent. He always used to say that he is a "gemini" and an ass sometimes. He had a picture once that read "not sure if im an asshole or people are overly sensitive."
So after the Christmas text I sent him, and 2 days later I deleted him from facebook thinking he wouldn't notice. But now I think he did. I've been using NC since. Did I make a mistake? 1.Some (a majority) say, that was his way of asking for sex.
2.Some say he wanted to test and wanted me to chase him and test my interest level.
3.Some say Im in rotation and not his priority right now or initiated
But I feel like its something else but i can't put my finger on it. He is the type of man that loves friends and talking.I do too but not to that point where I need friends. He would get highly offended if you didnt want to be his friend for some reason. His mother will say everyone likes you. He switched his phone carriers and said on twitter that he assumed that 30 people texted him in the time his phone was off.
I really hoped for more with this guy. I feel like we were red hot. I feel stronger using NC and resisting the urge to text him. I know if i said something now he would respond quickly as he always did. But I feel like I've come too far to not know his interest level or if i was rejected. but I do wonder if I did the wrong thing by deleting him (therefore he can't see me so im easier to forget). But still I think he still couldve remembered. Can you offer me some clarity so I can stop thinking about this guy? Sorry for the long post :) This has just been bugging me!; March 23, 2013 at 5:09 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

I love your response to Hopeful,lol@ the recipe!I copy pasted that,this is a read to remember.Thank you!

My update on the Sag..He initiated 2 talks,things are going slow cause I am not really building up the convos but letting him express himself.So far he stated he's angry so I let him be and give him plenty of space(no rush for me anyway).He stated I acted weird and cold and pulled back(I KNOW) but did not take the convo in any other direction.I did not reply because I also dont want to bend for him now.

However,Saturday I did sent a little text saying:

ME:I miss you
Him:Really?
Me:Yea
Him:I miss you too
Me:sad smiley
Him:sad smiley + Love(He never before mentioned that,not even casually like in a manner of saying bye so I was taken aback loads)
Me:Love?
Him:I've got love for you
Me:Where?(basically pointing out where that love is,since its never been expressed through actions)
Him:I have none
Me:?!
Him:Oh I thought you meant where is my lover..I have no one
Me:Oh..no(thanks for letting me know LOL)
Me:I have love for you too(honestly don't know why I said that.I guess I was touched,shocked mixed with the fact that he is dear to me)
Him:Nice(WTF I ALMOST WANTED TO PUNCH HIM THROUGH THE PHONE)
Me:Nice?You ass
Him:I'm really not

I ended the convo there.I was fuming from that nice reply.I figured he threw the love word in there to try to see my reaction.I felt like a fucking fool.However,I also think(suspect/instinct) he may be supressing some budding feelings for me and he is trying to punish me now but I won't take it.So I go on making my daily mobile updates and u should see how well he mirrors that.Its like we're in a goddamn comeptition,its so childish.When I made no updates for weeks,he went silent too.Now we're updating silly daily tasks.It won't be long till he speaks again but I WILL NEVER AGAIN INITIATE.

What do you make of this,Mirror?

Overall,I'm happy and in peace,this isn't controlling me anymore.I have pulled way back and NC did me good.And I'm open to all the love the universe may bring my way!

LeoLady,Gemini50,Venus-how are you girlies?Hugs!; March 23, 2013 at 7:40 AM
MissHim said...: @MOA

I know :(

I really liked the recipe you gave to Hopeful, this is how it is for some.

Thnx!; March 23, 2013 at 7:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Points North,
You're absolutely right. This isn't about game playing and you won't need a lot of the tactics on this site with gentlemen because they behave respectfully towards women. Although I will say, regardless of the man, you should begin a relationship of any sort in a frame of mind that is strong, using mirroring as the number one factor. If you mirror a man's behavior from day one - it ensures that things remain balanced and fair from the start. It also swats away insecure men and players because those guys have keen senses with women, instinctual "predator" senses. And when a women doesn't roll over and make herself easy prey - the players and insecure men sense it immediately and realize they're going to have to work at it to prove themselves - so nine times out of 10, they cease their efforts and save you lots of wasted time and grief.

One another post yesterday here, I shared a piece that I stumbled upon online, written by a man. It's funny how once you figure men out, lots of the other stuff you find written about them rings true, almost verbatim, LOL.

Here's the piece:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

And in it, he states:

"Taking the initiative is not a right that men have over women; it is (or should be) a hurdle that women place in front of men to make them prove their interest."

"This is why it is so important for a woman to allow a man to initiate contact after an initial meeting, and even well into the relationship."

"If men didn't try to sleep with lots of women with no strings attached, or if women didn't want stable relationships, then it is conceivable that women could approach men. But given the undeniable preferences of the two sexes, the situation couldn't be other than what it is. Women, who, on the whole, are more interested in stable relationships, necessarily assume a defensive position against men, who (again, on the whole) are more interested in casual sex than women."

And there you have it - straight from the horse's mouth, LOL.

He's not advocating game playing there and neither am I here. It just "is what it is." And if you don't want to get run over and left for dead, you do yourself a BIG favor by setting up "barriers" for men to overcome to reach you.

It's the only way to know if a man is genuinely interested or not.

Cont. . .; March 23, 2013 at 10:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And yes, women of the eras gone by. . .this was gospel to them. But then came along the era of women's liberation and everyone got all confused, LOL. Society began to blur the lines about what the women's liberation movement was about. It was about equality - in the workplace, in life, the right to a career, the right to equal pay, civil rights against abuse, etc.

It was NOT about relationships. It did not grant women the right to BECOME men in relationships - to take the lead (masculine) role.

That's where the confusion lies today. Gender roles have NOT changed - men are still men and women are still women. And as such, they need to interact accordingly, regardless of modern day changes.

Which leads me to another piece I shared:

http://milford.patch.com/blog_posts/let-a-man-pursue-you-genders-roles-in-dating-have-not-really-changed

It is what it is ladies. We're still women, they're still men. That hasn't changed in eons and I don't see it changing anytime soon. And I recently wrote a piece on the concept of deeply ingrained mating rituals that take place in nature:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

Humans have a mating ritual as well. It's called "courtship."

Lots of folks come here and think that this is "blanket" information that applies to every man on the planet. They make erroneous assumptions and snap judgments and they slap labels on things. They fail to realize the complexities and the subtle dynamics that take place between men and women and relationships of all sorts.

You can't put things into little boxes folks. Life is too complex for that type of thinking.

There are good men out there and when you find one, you know. How do you know?

You won't need me or this site anymore, LOL ;-); March 23, 2013 at 10:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SilentScream,
Don't question yourself. That's self-doubt. Don't let it sneak in. You did what you felt was best for you at the time, so stand by that decision and don't waver on it.

Focus less on him and more on yourself. Are you using this time that no contact provides wisely? What are you doing for yourself during this time?

If the answer is nothing, you need to take control of that. You need to choose 3 things to do for yourself - and DO THEM.

Get a new hairstyle, change your hair color, pick up a hobby you used to love that you don't spend time on anymore. Begin seeing your friends more often. Add new items to your wardrobe, purchase a new pair of shoes that makes you feel great.

Do something, anything, for yourself right now dear. Don't just sit and wait, that's an improper use of this time. Do things that restore your confidence or add to your self-esteem in some way - do thing for yourself that make you feel good about yourself.

Otherwise, during this time, all you're going to be doing is listening to the hours on the clock tick away.

Change begins with yourself dear ;-); March 23, 2013 at 10:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista'Taurus,
LOL. . .well, that was a good little experimental lesson for you. See how quickly they take your power once you give it up, LOL ;-) They instantly become a body snatcher and snatch it right up, then chew it and dangle it in front of your face, LOL.

No worries, it's not the end of the world and it was a good lil' lesson, too.

Personally, I think more time is needed here. He's still angry and as a result, he's struggling with this. But I think he'll come around eventually.

I would refrain from reaching out. And if you do, DO NOT share emotions. You saw first hand what he did with that once you did, LOL. So just don't go there. Keep it casual and know that he's watching every damn move you make and he's listening closely to every word you speak.

So choose wisely dear, LOL ;-) Don't give away too much and don't say too much at this point.; March 23, 2013 at 10:58 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Sista Taurus and all,

I'm doing well, thanks for asking (although suffering a cold right now that is kicking the shix out of me). Virgo is flying in next weekend, and although it's been touch and go re: his power-struggle, I'm feeling centered and strong.

I have learned so much from this site practicing the actions advised. Who knew you just walk away and take care of yourself when a guy acts up? If he's a good man, he'll figure it out and smarten' up. If not, he won't, and he's not worth our time. BINGO! I've also seen Virgo appreciate my expectations of how a man should treat a woman... it's very interesting.

And, then, just when I think he's "got it," he turns back into an ass... that's the power struggle. But as long as I keep myself centered, his behavior is his choice and it's my decision to be part of it or not (umm NOT)... and THAT PART, I think he's "got."

V-girl mentioned above her guy ruining their "emotional connection," and that's how I feel w/Virgo sometimes. I had such a crazy crush on him for so many years, I would have done anything for him... not any more. So, we'll see what happens.

I still think about Scorpio everyday since his late night "here's my new number" text 3/5. Day 3 after that text, I was a freaken' mess, emotionally twisted in despair, I wanted to contact him, but didn't want same results... Thank goodness for Ms. Mirror's site on that day, I kept reading old stuff and everyone's stories to keep me from reacting on my overwhelming tearful emotions.

I am thinking I'll respond 4/5, but who knows. I do miss what we shared, but I keep asking myself if it's him, or the amazing connection we had? I don't know. I do think Scorpio could be and wants to be an amazing man... with this time, I'm thinking he ran from how close we were getting. And that's ok, it wasn't malicious, it was fear. I get it. But I'm not going back into that web. :)

I love reading and appreciate everyone's comments and stories. I am so proud to see the strength that is coming from so many. Thank you to all! HUGS!!; March 23, 2013 at 11:18 AM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued from last post....

Let me add, the "strength" that I see is not in the "knowing," but rather in the "trying."

If you are asking questions, if you are engaged, if you are trying to understand, you are "in the game," and have a chance to win.

Those that give up, those that blame, those that act as victims (sorry, I know how hard that last word is), but those that are not taking responsibility for their lives and their futures, are those that don't stand a chance.

So, being here, talking about your life, and asking for help is enormous! Be proud of yourself! You are IN THE GAME! And know, once you learn the skills you need, there will be no stopping you!

PEACE; March 23, 2013 at 11:28 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @V-girl,
"he said he wanted to have sex because it would bond us."

LOL, careful dear. What he's really saying there is, "I want to have sex so YOU are bonded to ME."

"He inquired again whether or not I was ready for sex."

I don't like that at all. Men don't discuss having sex, like preparing for a work presentation or something, LOL. They just "go for it" when the mood is right. Discussing it like it's a sport is a red flag. It's like saying, "Do you want to play golf today?" Or, "Do you want to watch football?"

There shouldn't be this discussion about it. It should just happen - naturally.

"I am a virgin."

BINGO!! Those bits above were NOT sitting well with me and as I continued to read, I was wondering why he's so focused on "scoring" here and that's why dear.

He wants to be able to brag about taking your virginity. That'd be a REAL SCORE for an insecure man.

DO NOT GIVE YOUR VIRGINITY AWAY TO THIS MAN. He does not deserve that. Save it for a man who does.

"I won't contact him again until he picks up the phone."

I'm not sure I'd ever even speak to him again dear. This man's intentions are NOT good.

"because I may be getting sex somewhere else."

This is all about sex and taking your virginity. You need to seriously consider getting away from this man.

He's also attempting to make you feel insecure by bringing up that other woman. None of this feels good to me at all and his intentions aren't pure.

Be very careful with this one dear. If you give into him, he's going to make you feel very bad about yourself and there's a very high likelihood he'll disappear after getting what he's after.; March 23, 2013 at 11:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Dove,
"Because we don't talk as much...or hang out...and I'm sexual."

Translation: I don't put more effort into you because you're not sleeping with me (and the other girl might be).

Personally, I'm not even sure there IS another girl. He might be saying all of this to get you feeling insecure - like you have to compete for him - and to worry you. Realizing that if he can get you to feel like that, you'll jump into bed with him to win him from the other girl.

Careful with this one, I don't like how he's manipulating you here.

"I asked him later that day why he randomly said that to me and he said "because we don't talk as much".

Translation: Because we don't have sex.

"I jokingly asked him about his date and he said I didnt know I was on one. I said the girl you're talking to and he said oh yea its fine."

The more I read through your comment, the more I'm convinced there IS NO OTHER GIRL, LOL.

"1.Some (a majority) say, that was his way of asking for sex.

2.Some say he wanted to test and wanted me to chase him and test my interest level.

3.Some say Im in rotation and not his priority right now or initiated"

I'd say it's all of the above possibly. Although I'm not entirely convinced there's another girl in the picture.

And this is a piece I've been sharing here the last two days about why women should NOT initiate contact in the early days of a budding relationship:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

It's written by a man. So for all of those friends advising you to do otherwise, DON'T listen to them.

"He switched his phone carriers and said on twitter that he assumed that 30 people texted him in the time his phone was off."

He sounds VERY insecure. Who does that? Who feels the need to overcompensate like that to PROVE to people that they have friends?

You know who does that?

Someone that HAS NO FRIENDS and lies about it. He doesn't have many friends but he doesn't want others to know that. He wants to give the impression that he's valuable and he's "sought after." People with lots of friends don't announce it like that. I have lots of friends but I don't feel the need to announce it like that. And I'm sure you do too. When someone "states the obvious" - it means the opposite. It's overcompensation - they feel the need to fool you into believing.

It's like when someone says, "You can trust me" without ever having you express that you didn't trust them. They do that because you shouldn't trust them - but they feel the need to convince you that you should. So when someone says, "30 people text me" it means that 3 did, LOL.

"Can you offer me some clarity so I can stop thinking about this guy?"

Read that article I linked to above and you'll understand better what needs to be done to protect yourself here.

In my opinion, he's a bit dangerous. Meaning, his intentions are not good, he's insecure and he's attempting to emotionally manipulate you (into jumping into bed with him).

He has no "gentlemanly" skills with women. He needs to manipulate them into sleeping with him because he doesn't have the natural skills to have a woman give herself to him.

Careful what you wish for here. If it were me, I'd forget about this one and move on.; March 23, 2013 at 12:00 PM
Peter said...: @MOA and the ladies,

There is a reason some men do pull back that I want to give you insight on.

In my situation recently I shown a lady close to me something that is out of character for me however indirectly. Now in this situation some men get angry as I do AT THEMSELVES. I pride myself on my character, my principles and security in myself in myself as a man.

An insecure man will pull away unable to deal with that. While a secure man will face up to how he made a woman feel and take the hit if there is one. If you're a man and you make a women feel something then you take responsibility for it. You face up to it.

I'm not a guy that likes to go over things over and over again. I just accept where I went wrong and deal with what her needs are. once the situation is fixed its done. My priority is her and moving forward.

With the lady in question in my life well I never want negativity for her.Never want pressure and never want her feeling what she did recently. If I thtought I'd damaged things I'd be angry at myself for that. Its just who I am and I liek to be honest with myself and make sure I don't make those mistakes for her.

What I'm trying to say is when a man loses your appreciation, respect or when you fail to take him seriously then its his fault. if he walks away from your problems its him not you. If he fails to take responsibility its him not you.

I wont be commenting on my situation with this lady any further to here or my friends. I fell its between me and her. So thank you all for being there for me at any point you have been.

Keep going ladies....its good to see you all being strong ;-)

Thank you too MOA.; March 23, 2013 at 1:24 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Peter,

Good luck to you. I understand your desire to keep intimacy close to your heart... that's special.

But I hope that doesn't mean you will disappear on us(!?!?!?) (smile) I think Ms. Mirror has built an online family of sisters and brothers and each and every person is a small, yet valuable, part of the structure. I hope you continue to contribute.; March 23, 2013 at 5:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi, you've mentioned that if a man is genuinely interested he will return, but my question is if he was really genuinely interested, then why would he disappear in the first place?; March 23, 2013 at 7:09 PM
Anonymous said...: For the past month things have been a lot slower than usual,we don't communicate as often like we use to,how ever he contacts me from time to time.I try to give him space as much as I can,the problem is he makes plans with me in advance but for the last couple of dates,has been a no show,he cancels last minute,with some kind of explanations am not satisfied with,with the second cancellation he said he would call back to keep me updated which never happened,no text,no phone call after that conversation nothing.how do I handle this situation?? I don't want to nag about this,do I confront him? However I calmly expressed to him I was disappointed with him the 1st time he canceled on me,but this time am very puzzled and I don't know why his behaving in this manner??I don't smother him or anything of that sort,some times I feel like his into me because he always resurfaces but times like this,I feel confused??please help thank you.; March 23, 2013 at 9:32 PM
SilentScream said...: @MOA,

Thank you for your advice again. I will take this time to better myself and do things for me! Today is day 23 of NC since his last text to me (that I didn't respond to)...If I make it to day 53, it would be his birthday. Do you think it would be "ok" to "tap" him with just a happy birthday text?
I remember reading in one of the posts that you are also a Taurus? In your opinion, are Tauruses too stubborn to apologize for something they know they did wrong? I feel like we (me and him) might be at sort of a "stalemate" because he is too stubborn to apologize or even mention that he screwed up with not following through...and I'm also too stubborn to initiate a text since I was the one who got pissed off and unfriended him and didn't respond to his text that he sent to "test the waters" the day after he was unfriended. Sigh.; March 24, 2013 at 1:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 23, 7:09PM,
The various reasons for that are all spelled out in the first couple sections of the article. It's a psychological concept that they instinctually use to their advantage.; March 24, 2013 at 1:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 23, 9:32PM,
There's an article here title, "how when and why to use no contact." Use the search at the top of the site to find it..I'm on my tablet now and can't figure out how to copy the link.

There's another one as well, "when to say no, dating and consequence." Read each of those for how to proceed.; March 24, 2013 at 1:37 AM
Lady Leo said...: Hi Sista T' and all:

I'm doing well :) I still think of the ex, and still sad, mad from time to time but the intensity is definitely lessening. Being silent has been awesome for me!

I've been applying NC with other relationships and its simply incredible! Like I said with my friend who has been taking me for granted. I had a talk with her few days ago and told her how I felt and she was stunned. She made excuses and took no responsibility (much like a man). I saw her yesterday at a 12 step meeting. She sent me a text during the meeting complimenting my shoes! Ha...again like a man, not acknowledging the elephant in the room, just my shoes! After the meeting, she left without coming over to say hello.

Later, I applied NC (in a way) when my 21 yr old son spoke to me rudely while driving to the grocery store (to buy HIM groceries). I went silent immediately. Did NOT react emotionally at all. I wanted to give HIM time to think about what he just said/did to me. I was silent but not angry at all during the shopping. On the way home, my aquarius son, who is often aloof and introverted, put his hand on my leg and thanked me for taking him and said he loved me. Ha! victory!! I told him the same and then opened to convo to how he spoke to me wasn't acceptable. It was a respectful and powerful conversation and it just goes to show that not reacting emotionally and letting my silence "speak" for me can move mountains.; March 24, 2013 at 8:25 AM
Lady Leo said...: On the man front.....

I started texting with new guy, he is nice it seems but yesterday when I told him it would be ok if he called me sometime, he said ok but that he was nervous to do so. I replied with "Its ok, I dont bite"..and then he went poof! No more texts. He is 48 frigging years old, why is he afraid to call a woman?

A few hours later, he texts "goodnight, talk to you soon". I did not reply. I don't get why men do that, but whatever, I will mirror him and do my own thing. I am not gonna be a text pal with him, thats for sure, especially when I am not really attracted to him.

It's just nice for me to be aware of these patterns in others and knowing that I have the skills to respond accordingly!; March 24, 2013 at 8:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
Excellent to hear! Yes, NC can work in MANY other areas of life as well as relationships :-)

@All the Ladies Here,
Many of you have really progressed as far as your understanding of men, relationships, communication techniques, etc.

I'd like to now move you into the category of human behavior concerning "lies." There's a very good book out right now - I haven't finished it yet, however, I have started it and I can already say - it's a MUST READ.

The book is:

"You Can't Lie to Me" by Janine Driver

Janine is a lie detection expert for the FBI, ATF and the CIA.

To give you an example, and it's funny because I actually mentioned this as a personal observation here on the site in a piece, but there's something called "duping delight."

Duping delight is a subtle piece of body language that indicates happiness over the fact that you're being lied to. Meaning, if someone tells you something and you see a brief (seconds) lifting of the corner of one side of the mouth, much like what I refer to as "The Billy Idol Smile" - only one side of the mouth smiles and it's only for a second or two - it indicates the individuals happiness over the fact that they've just "duped" you.

Duping delight, gals.

It's an excellent read so far and I'd advise those of you that are ready to move into that territory of development to give it a read:

http://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Lie-Revolutionary-ebook/dp/B007HCAWHU; March 24, 2013 at 8:44 AM
Anonymous said...: What should I do. I' m with a man that said we should just be friends. But we was dating before. I love his two son very much. Yet when we are out side he holds me. He touches me every chance he get. He show me nothing but sweetness and seem to care about me and my feeling. Just cant understand the friend thing.; March 25, 2013 at 12:25 AM
Unknown said...: Hi Mirror.

Its amazing how we as women tend to loose ourselves in relationships knowing full well that under normal circumstances we wouldn't act so silly but I guess its human nature. My story is long but will try and cut it short I've been dating a Scorpio man for over 2 years now and he has always been great. At first I told him I cant date him because i came out of a relationship, he was very patient and for 2 months called and bought me fancy presents. He was always there and just wanted the best for me. My problem with him is that when ever we got into an argument he will disappear for days I would call him and he just would respond ,over the months I've learned that when he disappears I just let him be. Our last fight was last year July probably the biggest fight we've ever had it was about something silly but he just blow it out of preposition. He is very insecure, jealous and controlling and I've never had a problem with him Cause I kind of no how to handle him as I dont always show emotions when I'm angry (I'm a Capricorn) . Any way he disappeared for 5 months I texted him happy birthday on his birthday and told myself if he doesn't respond I'm done . he responded said thank you very much it means alot and he hope I'm ok. A month later I tried calling him he called back immediately normally he will call me after 2 hours or so cause his always busy so I took that as a good sign. We spoke for a while he said he missed me and he would like to see me. I said cool. he must call and we'll make arrangements he called me 2 weeks later and we made plans to go for supper . It was nice seeing him after such a long time and I speak about the way he acted up the last time just said I'm glad to see his ok. He continued calling me after that sometimes everyday for weeks and then other times after a day or 2 or maybe a week I never complained sometimes I answer other days I call back within an hour or 2. Things have been going well.

Until about a month ago he was meant to come and see me the Saturday but never called to say his not coming anymore. I've gotten so use to him doing that because of his work or so he says so i just let it go never called or texted. A week after not hearing from him I decided to call him but his phone was off so i text him saying i hope his ok. He never responded another week tried calling again his phone still off but then i tried calling on a old number which he said his not using anymore and it rang. he never answered or called back Have no idea what happened but knowing him he does these disappearing acts well. Emotionally I'm ok because after 2 years I've learned not to work myself up anymore because i just get hurt in the process so going into no contact came easy . Do you think he will ever call again or he just realized this is not for him?

May I add that since we started communicating again he has been so nice always buying me gifts and just wanting to make my life comfortable and I found it weird because we haven't slept together since we broke up last year and he has never brought it up neither have I as I figured we taking things slow , so i cant say his using me for sex ,so what is it? Why do all those nice things for me not get anything in return and then just disappear without a reason.; March 25, 2013 at 5:46 AM
Dove said...: Thanks MOA!

--Thanks to you (and through typing it out) I realize that: he didn't like (want) me, he wanted to have sex with me.
I should've saw the red flags. But you know you hope for the best and hope you're wrong.
My red flags were:
1) Our conversation about crazy dates and he talked about his ex gf a long time ago that would cut herself and lied about her pregnancy. I thought first wow, shes crazy. But now, I think, how careless were you that you had a pregnancy scare. Plus this sounds like a girl trying desperately to get YOUR attention.
2) Before I deleted him off facebook: His family (mom and grandma) are overwhelming. I understand that he is in another state but they sometimes say not so nice things to his friends and he doesn't defend his friends. Like his friends may joke and tease him and his grandma will say everyone likes you. I would never say something as stupid as those b*itches ^^...basically signaling above.
3) Our first date where we went out and came back and didn't touch at all. Then we had our first kiss and we kept kissing (no french). The kissing turns passionate on his behalf and then he takes my hand and puts it on "his friend" (through clothes) and then takes it out (wants me to touch him) and starts masturbating himself while we are kissing standing up. I wasn't offended but I thought it was bold and I stopped him and found an excuse to leave.
The second date, as mentioned above, we had a normal day watching tv together and he cooked. But then we start kissing, it gets passionate, and led to a hj (my clothes on).
Its interesting that even if rejected for sex, usually they come back around months later. But not with this guy at this point. I've used NC on my guy friends and guys I've dated and they've all returned. I read a book where a guy said and im paraphrasing;women give a man their "price" as in how much effort he has to invest in you. When he see's that the price is too high he will either work to get it or think your "price" is too high and move on.
I want to know If I played right in my reaction to his behavior? being that it didn't drag out. or was i too harsh?; March 25, 2013 at 5:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Sounds like a good read MOA. Thanks for the heads up; March 25, 2013 at 4:00 PM
@LONDON CALLING said...: @MOA...YESS I am back! I missed this merry band of women! Sista'Taurus, Christina/LadyLeo, VirgoChik, Gemini50, Chk51...I THOROUGHLY ENJOYY reading your stories and daily struggles. We are learning SO SO much from each other, no?

@MOA, its amazing how much we have that DNA in us; men to women. You are right, men are born with that instinct to understand women sometimes better than we know ourselves.

I have a kind request of @MOA ladies.

@MOA, do you watch Scandal on ABC? Any of you ladies addicted as much as I am? There IS a reason why this show is #1 in ratings among women....the fast paced, tense drama of unrequited love!!

@MOA if you do not, please catch up and do so from Season 1 off of Netflix, Season 2 is on HuluPlus.

Yes, yes I know. Its a highly HIGHLY inappropriate, disrespectful of marriage/honor, relationship that Fitz and Olivia have. But no denying it, he ADDDOOOOORRRESS her. He literally stops in his tracks when he sees her and has said that his every feeling is controlled by the look on her face, every time.

My request @MOA...to switch things up and give us a visual, could you please interpret Fitz and Olivia's relationship, maybe go over their most intense moments?

We know why he can't leave his wife. He's the President!! He's fallen out of love and found 'the other woman'. However, if he could, would he leave? Or is he using his office as an excuse?

Why does Olivia stay. and wait for him? God knows that man would have me wait, drAPP like ITS HATTT and twork it for him..he's that irresistible. But I understand why its so hard for her to walk away. She is madly in love too.

I want that kind of love...in an appropriate setting though. Ladies, I think we deserve that kind of love.

One where a man would break all rules for us, pursue us, be driven to drink for us, stop DEAD in his tracks when he sees us, yearn for us, call us all times of nite for us, break out of the White House for us, evade Secret Service for us, YELL IN OUR FACE that he belongs to us, watches for us, waits for us, can't sleep for us, exists for us, would escape his pampered life for us, claims he cant control his erections for us, ! We deserve it.

No idea what I mean? Here is the garden scene. Addictive stuff!
http://ow.ly/jpr38

Even though the relationship is highly dysfunctional, Olivia has run Fitz to the ground. He pursues her relentlessly, she never gives him any wiggle room.

@MOA, what is GOING ON in Fitz's HEAD? And will we ever find a love like this?

Yes, yes ladies I know its just TV, but would love to get this addictive-ery broken down.; March 25, 2013 at 7:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LONDON CALLING,
There's really no sophisticated answer for this..it's actually a very simple, very real concept that's discussed in this article.

It's the Scarcity Theory of Value. When something is scarce, people place a high value on it, man or woman. It's very basic human nature.

Why do you think no contact is so successful, LOL ;-)

And hen that deep desire exists, particularly in both parties (not one sided), it tends to bond two people deeply in permanent ways.

Which is why making yourself overly available to a man tends to backfire so often. Doing so completely removes that dynamic and kills the spark. Longing equates as love ladies. It's good for people to long for one another and it's good for a man to miss you.

Make yourself too available and you remove that element and throw a bucket of cold water on the very thing that ignites the spark into a flame ;-); March 26, 2013 at 12:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Folks its Cappy Girl-
I swear I have found a new pattern in myself of attracting the "leap right in" and pressure for a commitment guys! Another one bites the dust but this one I am happy about (which means he will try to contact me again, yuck)
Back to Taurus man. He updated his profile today on the dating site. Put his real city, flushed out the profile, hobbies, interests etc. I look at his picture he posted from last year and realized he has only been divorced less than a year. I think I might have been the first lady he dated...drat! (good thing we didnt do it)
I have been n/c since 3/14 so um, 12 days...sheeze...thought it was longer!
Okay so in his profile he lists as hobbies a bunch of stuff I like and also tells girls to reach out to him first...etc
Do I read anything into this (I know it doesnt matter BUT after Saturday's date with the creepiest middle of the first date awkward kiss ever, made me long for chemistry!!!)
Thank you MOA and Lady Leo, you folks have helped me alot :); March 26, 2013 at 4:07 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @LondonCalling

"One where a man would break all rules for us, pursue us, be driven to drink for us, stop DEAD in his tracks when he sees us, yearn for us, call us all times of nite for us, break out of the White House for us, evade Secret Service for us, YELL IN OUR FACE that he belongs to us, watches for us, waits for us, can't sleep for us, exists for us, would escape his pampered life for us, claims he cant control his erections for us, ! We deserve it."

You are mental!Got me loling at work!!Yes,we all want that kind of love don't we?So apply The Scarcity Theory to these men.Stick it to them GOOD,never initiate,let them simmer and wonder and begin to want you more,to chase you.In the meantime,you don't wait,you go on with your life full force,positive,happy,radiant and confident that these males want you and will show it.That's all,really.No insecurity,headaches,love yourself,your time,value it,cherish it,invest in your life,watch your energy field,what you give out is what you get back..and let the Universe take care of the rest.

Love,love,love ladies..if you want it,begin by loving yourself and your life.Demolish every little barrier and re-invent every little structure of your life.If something is not as you want it,if it's only slightly short of your ambitions and desires,then you go and turn that around.Strive for perfection always,it will keep you busy and the rest will find its way back to you!

Kudos and love to all my ladies here!; March 26, 2013 at 7:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Samantha Jansen,
"Why do all those nice things for me not get anything in return and then just disappear without a reason."

My guess would be that he's seeing someone :-(

"Do you think he will ever call again or he just realized this is not for him?"

Based on his past history of disappearing and reappearing, yea, he'll probably be back, LOL.; March 26, 2013 at 5:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Dove,
"being that it didn't drag out. or was i too harsh?"

If you've cut him loose, yes, that was definitely the right thing to do and NO, it wasn't too harsh.

This guy was downright ignorant if you ask me.

"Our first date. . .he takes my hand and puts it on "his friend" and then takes it out and starts masturbating himself while we are kissing standing up. . .I wasn't offended but"

You should've been offended, that's disgusting, disrespectful, very inappropriate, DEVIANT sexual behavior.

Move away from this man and don't look back. Anyone who acts like that on a first date is not a well adjusted human being.; March 26, 2013 at 5:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Cappy Girl,
"tells girls to reach out to him first."

Yea, that's a signal of a lazy man, one who doesn't want to act like a man but instead, prefers to be courted - like a woman.

Don't waste your time with men like that. They'll never lift a finger to make you happy and they'll always disappoint you.

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/online-internet-dating-advice-dos-donts-women-mistake.html; March 26, 2013 at 5:46 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA! You've advised me recently regarding my ex with the 3 a.m. call, if you recall that? I also mentioned he made 3 more attempts at contact (at reasonable hours) but I ignored them. Well, here he is again!

He contacted me today from a different #, I guess so that I would pick up because I recognize his # now. I picked up, & I guess I sounded annoyed because he's like hello, why do you sound like you have an attitude? I'm like what? Who is this? At first he's like do you know who this is? I recognize his voice so I'm like what's up.

Trying not to display any attitude, but I guess that was a fail because he heard the frustration in my voice, so he goes, what are you up to, what are you doing? I say I'm about to head out, he asks where? Where are you going? Out. I'm going out. But where, where are you going, maybe I want to come with you...

In my mind I'm like is he kidding me? So I just tell him, I'm going to the store & to run some other errands...he says like what? I go jeez! None of your business, so he says you act like it's such a big deal. I told him I had to go & I hung up.

So how do you think I handled that? Was I too uptight? Showing emotion? Because I tried to stay cool but I think he may have picked up on my attitude. I'm proud of myself though because if that was me a few months ago, I would have met up with him. How do you think I should proceed?

I put anonymous because I don't know how to add a name, but you can call me lovingme. Thanks! :); March 26, 2013 at 6:53 PM
Anonymous said...: as far as mirroring goes...won't the guy notice? like hmmm I didn't talk to her for three days and now she's not talking to me for three days...if he notices the pattern won't he be "extra" just cuz he thinks ur playing games...perhaps the way way to go is mirroing plus two more days for good measure ;) lol; March 26, 2013 at 8:27 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Oh my goodness...

Trying to prepare my SELF for Virgo's visit this weekend, and guess who texts me tonight?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. All that wanting and waiting for 3 months, and not responding to his text March 5 w/his phone number and he texts me tonight:

Scorpio 8:44pm> I guess u r mad at me thought u wanted 2 b friends sorry to disappoint u

Me> No response

Scorpio 8:52> well anyways I enjoyed ur company. And glad I got to spend time with u

Me (first trying to find the text response advice from article above and feeling like a silly girl lol)> Hi not mad. Been real busy. Can I get back to u in a couple weeks?

Scorpio> Sure U out of town I take it. Have fun.

Me> It was nice to hear from you. I hope things are well.

Scorpio> They r. How about u?

Me (after a few minutes thinking about this)> Good. Busy. I m ready for Spring.

Scorpio> U and me both. Can't wait to get the bike out. (This is interesting because he knows I love to ride and he promised me a ride to VT in Sept and it never happened.)

So, Me, no response.

Scorpio> Hows the kids doing? (I think he's trying the hot buttons to keep my attention -- am I right??)

Me> Great. Meeting (daughter) in May for Indy 500. And (son) has daughter regularly now... life keeps moving on.

Scorpio> Hope it warms up soon

Me> Me too. Have a good night and I'll be in touch ok? R u still at (workplace)?

Scorpio> Yep

Me (thinking to myself: is he getting comfy (and lazy) already?) So, no response.

Scorpio> Text me if you need anything. Nity nite.

Oh dear... so you see ladies. This guy was physically gone for 105 days, and gone from last contact 83 days before his March 5 text sending me his new phone number, which I didn't respond to.

Tonight is 3 weeks exactly since his March 5 text. Same 3 week timeframe that we'd get together on when we were seeing each other. I am not getting into THAT again.

I can't think of him though right now. I have to concentrate on myself and how I am going to take care of my SELF thru Virgo's visit.

Oh, girlfriends... please send positive thoughts to me starting Friday night! LOL (Virgo flies out Wednesday night).; March 26, 2013 at 9:52 PM
VirgoPal said...: Ladies-

Love shouldn't be difficult. I have decided to ax my "reappearing disappearing" man. Why should I have to ignore a man for him to pay attention to me? My guy thought I should be competing for him! He was selfish, a player, and insecure. He tried to pressure and basically threatened me into having sex with him even when I told him I wasn't ready (I'm a virgin!) He thought because he was doctor that I should be worshiping and trying to impress him. He told me I was competing with other women and often mentioned other girls at his job that flirted with him. He was emotionally unavailable and a loser for the way he treated me. You want to hear the real kicker? He suggested we have unprotected sex and then go to a local pharmacy for Plan B? The sad thing is I waited too long to kick him to the curb in my heart. I thought he couldn't be that bad, but it doesn't matter: he was!

I remember a few months ago I said I was done, but I was unsure of my decision. Your intuition is telling you something about some of these men. He may look good on paper, but it doesn't make him a great man in reality.If they treat you with disrespect on the first date or don't respect what you are telling them, let them GO. My initially intuition about him was correct. He was a loser looking for sex and tried every way possible to get it.I tried to rationalize it by thinking I misunderstood him or I put too much pressure on him. It was never me...He was the problem. I was clear in my expectation, but he tried to use it to his advantage to get sex.

If you want a good husband or father to your children, everything they do early counts! It was barely 6 months, and I saw everything from this man. I know I am a high quality woman who deserves better than what I was settling for if I continued to date or chase him. I deserve to be courted and not pressured and made to feel special. I never was with him....Looking back our entire encounters was focused around him.

The only way to find an emotionally available man is to be available and in tune with your own needs.; March 26, 2013 at 10:55 PM
Anonymous said...: In regards to "The Rubberband Theory", I intend to not reach out to him and follow your instruction of giving him complete space. The catch is that we do have to come in contact with each other every 2-4 weeks through work but it's more of a group/meeting setting with brief on one interaction. Any advise that can support the theory in this situation? Also he is a Leo Male and I'm a Gemini Female, is this matters.; March 26, 2013 at 11:11 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello everyone :)

So here is a little more on what's going on in my exciting dating life.

The latest guy (another aries) I just started chatting with finally found the nerve to call last night. This after a few days of texting. We spoke for over an hour and I ended the convo. Very nice but slightly meek and inexperienced guy. Very upfront about break up 5 months ago from a gf who cheated (and alcohol addiction). Though he *says* he is over it, he clearly isn't because he told me every little detail of what's happened. So that is a major red flag for me and this cannot be anything other than friendship for now. I'm paying attention the the flags!

Nice thing about him: He texts me good morning consistently, asks if he can call me and does so. Now today he is saying he enjoyed our convo, wished we lived closer, likes my photos etc. Initially I thought he was too timid to have "game" but clearly his male instincts are alive and kicking. LOL. So good lesson to me in don't EVER forget that no matter what a man is going through or how affected he is by heart breaks of life, he is *still* a male and his primal instincts and urges are present. So I will wait an hour or so to reply to his sweet compliments cus I'm a busy woman, ya know!! :)

Another guy I emailed weeks ago finally replied after 10 days. I replied a day later, now he's taken another 5 days to reply to that. Wrote a long, articulate email and apologized for the delay in replying, saying he's been traveling. Hmmm, hate to be cynical but I've heard that before. I've also seen him online since then so.....

So he will have to wait 5 days for MY reply!! LOL

Still nothing from Sag man. I still think of him wistfully, but the melancholy is lifted. I still pray for him daily especially when I feel the anger. I have had just a few thoughts of texting but luckily my pride intercedes and reminds me that I am valuable and I need to continue to teach him that by my silence.

Hope to hear from everyone for a *check-in* today!!; March 27, 2013 at 9:55 AM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini 50

Wow I'm so happy that u have gotten to a place in your life where you happy and after all the waiting for Scorpio to just send a smoke signal you have come up on top. I have been following you ladies on here for a while holding thumbs for those who are still in love and hoping for a happily ever after. And praying for those with the a** in their lives and that Mirror have prepared them or should I say us for better. I'm in the same boat . Scorpio just went AWOL on me we've been dating for over 2years most of it great the only problem I have with him is when we argue or if his got problems at work he disappears . He was meant to come and see me on a Saturday,he called me the Wednesday asking if he can see me the weekend I said cool. He never pitched or called to say his not coming. As for me I didn't call to find out if his coming or not I guess his made me strong its not the first time his disappeared on me . Last year for 5 months after a huge and stupid fight he was gone. We then started seeing each other again in november and since then he has been trying everything for me to trust him again exactly the same as when we started dating , taking me out for dinner, calling aand buying me nice presents . His a sweet guy cant deny that . His always wanted the best for me and is always giving me the best but his disappearing acts not to sure what to make of it. We haven't been sexual since we started seeing each other again in November so I cant say he used me for sex. But at the same time he will always make plans to see me take me to nice places as I said and buy me nice things Why? Its been a month now and I'm wondering if his ok and if he will ever make contact again. I texted him a week after he was meant to see me but no response. Then I called him again a week later. Nothing so I went NC . Not a problem for me as I said not the first time so his made me strong. But what I cant understand is why come back into my life, get no sex ,buy me all the expensive gift and always call to see if I'm ok then gone AGAIN?; March 27, 2013 at 11:14 AM
Lady Leo said...: Wow Gemini50~~~!!!

You go girl! You're determined fortitude in not contacting the Scorp definitely worked in your favor. Ha,,,3 week pattern, huh? Totally cool to see that. Isn't it interesting to see how long a man can wait in his silence of not contacting? You've gotten quite a good education and your lessons are paying off. I think its great you said *in a few weeks* you'd contact him. Ha! now he will be waiting by his phone.

I did say a prayer for you with the Virgo....take it slow, let go of the guilt and don't give more than you receive. Remember YOU are the prize!!

xo; March 27, 2013 at 4:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LadyLeo,
Just an FYI dear - NEVER pursue men, EVER:

"Another guy I emailed weeks ago finally replied after 10 days."

If you begin the relationship by being the pursuer, then that's how he'll expect you to be from day one - he'll never man up, he'll be lazy, he'll take you for granted and you'll be beating your head against the wall wondering why he isn't pursuing you or responding timely.

"The best way to gauge a man’s interest and intentions is to see if he’s willing to invest in you. Men go after what they want. If he wants you, he’ll come looking for you. And when he does, it is at that point that you give him your attention, once he’s put a little bit of effort into it."

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/online-internet-dating-advice-dos-donts-women-mistake.html

"finally replied after 10 days. I replied a day later, now he's taken another 5 days to reply to that."

As I've stated, it's not wise to pursue men or make the first contact and it's doubly not wise to be too eager after doing so. Mirror a man's behavior dear. He takes 10 days to respond and you respond in one? (You should've waited 14 days to respond, LOL).

This is already heading downhill fast. This guy's being lazy already (because you're the one pursuing him) and now he's signaling to you he's only "half interested" by taking so long to respond.

"So he will have to wait 5 days for MY reply!!"

Good idea, but if it were me - I'd end this right here. He'd never hear another peep from me. His ACTIONS are signaling a big red flag - LAZY MAN, HALF INTERESTED.; March 27, 2013 at 5:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Loving Me,
I might have tried to be a bit less frustrated but who cares, he deserved it, LOL.

"How do you think I should proceed?"

You don't, LOL. You take no action here whatsoever. The ball is in his court. If he wants you, he knows where to find you ;-); March 27, 2013 at 5:29 PM
Anonymous said...: How do you let go of a good man. He is sweet,caring and he alway showing me love. But we are only friends and I want more; March 27, 2013 at 5:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello there MOA,
Sunny Heart here.
I am an older lady in my 40's, confident, independent and very independently happy.
First of all, I wanted to say that I have read many of your articles, and love them!!! All of it makes so much sense to me! Thank you for all your advise MOA!
Well, here is my story...
I met a man on on-line dating. We clicked and when on to date, for a month and half. I really ended up liking him very much :(. I made the mistake of sleeping with him on our third date, and sure enough, after that he became distant. Before this we were becoming very close, he would always be in contact with me. More so than me. He was a complete gentlemen and treated me wonderful. He was never shady, always available and very sweet. In reading your articles, I realize, how sleeping with him totally messed up any chance we may have had, as men do think differently than we do :( Here is what happened, after. Well, after becoming distant, we did comunicate after that, and even went on another date. Except, it did not feel the same to me. So, the following week, we chatted, via text and then,I sent him one last text to say hello, and he shot me a curtious answer, like "Thanks, the same to you". I totally realized then, that is was time to go "No Contact" and I disapeared. I waited to see what was going to happen with us, also excepting the fact that I should begin the process of moving on. Then just like you said...he reappeared! He reappeared this morning, after two weeks! and sent me a text. He told me that he was deaply sorry for fading away. That he still had feelings for his old girlfriend and that he should not be dating. He said he had a wonderful time with me, and that he still thinks of me a lot. He wished me the best, and apologized again.
Well, MOA, I did not respond, as I was hurt. I am divided as to if I should ever respond, or just let it be. It pisses me off, that men can be real cowards and so inconsiderate. I feel like, screw that and leave him without closure from my end. Hmm...maybe after "two weeks?" (mirror response-article)... not sure yet? It really hurts as it is. I may just want to leave it there and move on. Please let me know your thoughts? I really did begin to have feelings for him :(, freakin' men! Thank you! ~Sunny Heart :); March 27, 2013 at 7:04 PM
@LONDON CALLING said...: @LADY LEO...POOOOWWWWW!!!!
Dang you laid that one O.U.T!! YEsss You are Valuable!! And i am loving the dating adventures. HILLARIOUS!! But I do thankyou @MOA for being our dating compass. I thought @Lady Leo was doing great! AND THEN I saw what you were saying...what would we do without you??

Let me tell you its so refreshing to go out in the dating world, be equipped with tools from MOA and you other fab women in the trenches, AND know how to USE said DANG TOOLS!!!

@Gemini50 you are killing it! You are working that Bish! That's what I call this blog and you ladies + @MOA's wisdom....B.I.S.H!!!!!!

My favorite quotes/sayings so far:
@MOA: '...is all' and 'dear' [As in "You'll just have to wait dear, is all."]
@Gemini50: "Cheers...with a teacup!"
@Sis'ta Taurus: "Hugs to all."
@Lady Leo: This committee in my head..DEMONS!!!
LOL!

I am proud of us....really I am. Look at our collective progression from 2012 to 2013! WOW!

@Chk61..as your sisters in this journey, we are here to stand by you when you feel low. I say this as well to Anonymous [what's your name hon?] who woould prefer not to pray for disappearing man as she's not ready to.

I hear that. My story was similar to a recent story posted a couple of posts up. Met a guy, he pushed for sex, backed off, he disappeared. THAT's how I found this blog...THANK THE LAWD!!!

So I understand when you're not ready to forgive, let go, push forward. @Sis'ta Taurus [I think or was it @Lady Leo] as a nature lover, you know that growth comes in seasons. For me, once my man left, I had to go through my season of grieving. Grieving the loss, the idealism, the idea of what could have been, the hope that this was different; that HE was different. And yes girls, it IS NOT a day by day evolving: in the beginning, right after he leaves. Its a minute by minute decision: not to cry, get blurry eyed and smash into the car infront of you, not to grab the phone and 'accidentally' text a 4 page essay of abandonment, not to project, not to yearn, not to fall, BUT TO STAND.

I would sigh with relief that I had gotten to 8:05 and hadn't blinked back a tear. Then I would applaud myself when i'd get to 8:22 and find that I hadn't thought of the way he held me and made me feel.

Its a journey. The prayers, letting go of resentment and wishing love upon someone who has hurt you is a journey. We don't jump in the car and like lightning suddenly find ourselves laid out on the beaches in Phuket bikini ready. We take time off work 6 months in advance, kill ourselves in the gym, troll the mall for cute swimsuits, buy tickets, wake up early, drive thru traffic, check in bags and endure a 17 hour flight. How many steps are those? Certainly not one.

So is the journey to forgiveness, self worth and understanding our VALUE... YESSS @LADY LEO!

I keep saying girls...I said it before and i'll say it again. Watch how many posts there are on here. We're at 1876. I bet you once we cross over 3000, we'll have started our own blogs as disciples of @MOA, blinged-out rings will be flashing everywhere and we'll all be booking flights and hotels for each of our weddings.

@Gemini50...keep us informed regarding the Virgo visit....lots of positive thoughts your way! Dyyying to hear. Can't believe your Scorpio FRICKIN showed up!! Its like magic..LOL!!!

@Sis'Ta Taurus...how is the workout schedule? I'm on one as well. Just finished Insanity and now i'm back to weights/resistance/intense cardio. Which program are you following?

@HopefulWithMen...Cheers...WITH A TEACUP!; March 27, 2013 at 7:41 PM
Lady Leo said...: @ MOA:

I hadn't thought of my being the first to make contact on a dating site as "pursuing" but I guess it is. I definitely agree his waiting 10 days to reply and the later 5 days is a sign of low interest. I have no feeling for him so it's no problem to let this fish swim away.

This aries I'm chatting with has already said he wants to meet me but that won't happen anytime soon. We live 100 miles away and I won't make the effort to make that happen. So let him lurve me from afar! Make him "long" for me even more right? :); March 27, 2013 at 8:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sunny Heart,
Do yourself a favor and let this one go dear. Walk through the disappointment and process it for what it is. The feeling will pass, so don't fight it, let it happen so you can free yourself from it to move forward.

He's been honest and that's more than many women get from the man in these situations dear...so be thankful for that and take something positive from it :-)

That's all the closure you need...and you don't need to grant him peace of mind. Let sleeping dogs lie dear :-); March 27, 2013 at 10:29 PM
@LONDON CALLING said...: For all the ladies who are having a low day...i've been having a couple; but i've pushed towards the light and been pretty strong the last month or so.

What's been keeping me encouraged, is the journey. For real NC is ALL about strengthening the essence of you, despite the presence of a man. And once we have that power, no one can take that back.

My girlfriends and I put this on, dance on the carpet or put it on loud in the car. Its an easy, inspiring, quick listen that helps process where you are in the journey and that here is light.

For all the girls having a low, lonely night, listen in....and see yourself on that beach, free and liberated.
OceanLab's 'On A Good Day'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWi78UHCuv4

Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me
On a good day

And it feels like me
On a good day

I'm a little bit hemmed in
A little bit isolated
A little bit hopeful
A little bit cold

But I hold on
And I
Feel strong
And I
Know that I can; March 27, 2013 at 10:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous - posted yesterday about Rubber Band Theory and having to work with him every 2-4 weeks. How to keep practicing the theory when I have to work with him?

So I had to work with him today and it was awkward to say the least. We both avoided each other and only spoke when referencing projects. Clearly he was just as uneasy, to the point that others noticed because we're known to be attached at the hip. However, I did make a huge mistake and I knew better.

I texted him checking to see if he was ok and then tried to call. Of course no answers and I've now taken 10 steps backwards.

My biggest challenge is having to work together. We have been best friends over (5+ years) and only took it further the last 9 months.

Leading up to this we've kept the relationship under wraps because of us working together and both very career driven. The disappearing came out of know where which leads me to think he's struggling to sort through his feelings for me especially since we've been best friends for so long.

Since he has been my best friend I'll own that I had used him as a therapist working through some recent changes in my life. 2 weeks prior he did tell me it was too much because he had his own struggles to focus on and it killed him not being able to be there for me.

Being a Leo he's extremely stubborn and analysis everything. Always in his head with his thoughts and I'm very free and open with my mine.

I'm open for any advice and at the end of the day I just want my best friend back over the relationship. Thank you!; March 28, 2013 at 12:55 AM
Dove said...: Thanks MOA!!! You are a treasure!; March 28, 2013 at 4:00 AM
Bronzd said...: @All ladies here

It's almost like we all went through a class! To the other ladies out there, there is light on the other side. For me,it was hard to get the "what if's" out of my mind. Imagining the fun we could've had. Or replaying the time spent together, how he kissed, how he spoke, or what he likes. Or even more dramatically, imagining what I would've wore walking with him hahaha. Admittedly, I tried weird methods of having only unflattering pictures of him with his face twisted up but it didn't work. The man was attractive. But sometimes the inside can mess up the outside so much that you don't find them attractive anymore. But in all seriousness, getting rid of everything and taking time to enact NC can be enlightening. The easy way would be to find another man and cover the rejection with a new flame. But you wouldn't be truly stronger. It is difficult to go against emotion; like texting men after he didn't hyu for a week.
It's almost, dare I say, like an addiction. You have to completely erase that assclown from your life.NC is genius because as each day goes the Assclown may wonder, "oh, ive been gone for awhile, why isn't she reacting?" And each day you are gaining logic and detaching and you are more aware and can see clearly. So you know his patterns, his weakness, and his next move. You have the upper hand no matter what!

So, ladies as Sojourner Truth said "if the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back and get it right side up again."

Good luck ladies; March 28, 2013 at 4:32 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ all,

Thank you for your support -- really! Made me smile, and filled me up with good stuff this AM reading your posts.

Great comment from VirgoGal. Nice to read the strength and wisdom. :)

@ Lady Leo and LondonCalling and Anon 3/27: Isn't it C-r-a-z-y about Scorpio!?! lol I feel like we are kids learning about boys and dating thru sharing and laughing and crying and laughing again together. Stuff we should have learned as kids, but didn't. I know why I didn't learn. But why so many of us (I wonder)?

I am so sick with a cold, I am sure it is going to affect my energy level w/Virgo. Meaning, I won't have as much. And my reactions, if he starts his stuff, could go either way: not giving a shix to complete meltdown. Right now, I'm guessing the former. lol

He already started something yesterday. Ms. Mirror, I owe the following to you. (background: I love Lays potato chips so I don't buy them. He wants chips, so I bought them on sale 3/$10. Well, I opened up one bag a few days ago... 1/2 gone and I tell him.)

Virgo> better watch it, those go straight to your stomach and butt

Me> well, you're going to have to put up with me being pleasant and plump or twisted and skinny. (I am not FAT, but would LOVE to lose 10 lbs -- Lady Leo, don't start on me re: work-out lol)

Virgo> Well, as long as your boobs are bigger than your stomach, I guess that's ok.

Me> Really? (Ms. Mirror, I thought of you here and him trying to make me feel defensive and I thought: nope, stick HIS words right back on HIM.) Well, how big is your stomach? ('cuz he is NOT slim) :)

lol

Virgo> (pause) Umm...I think I need to cancel my flight due to medical reasons.

It was too funny! He got it. We laughed.

Cheers ladies (and guys)! And may I suggest that each morning, you raise whatever you drink: coffee, tea, juice, water. That you raise your cup each morning to salute your SELF and the day ahead and know that this day, you are going to do your best to take care of YOU, on the inside.

Cheers - with my COFFEE cup this AM ;); March 28, 2013 at 6:03 AM
Anonymous said...: @ MOA

Can you please read my msg send March 27,2013 at 11:14am and advise . I meant to address it to both you and Gemini 50 and only realize after that it wasn't addressed at you, can you kindly advise please.; March 28, 2013 at 6:04 AM
Lady Leo said...: @ London Calling :)

Your enthusiasm is so delightful! Thanks for your kind words. No Contact has been incredibly empowering and having the support of you and all the awesome people here has strengthened and supported me!! Thank you!

@Sunny Heart:

Your situation is nearly identical to mine except I didn't have sex with this guy before he poof'd at 7 weeks into dating. Don't know if mine has an ex problem, cus he's not returned to say why he left like yours has. It's my opinion you should NOT reply to this guy, still remain NO contact to instill your value. Let him miss you, let him process his true feelings as they relate to his ex and to you. He is conflicted and needs to do this inner work on himself.

Here is a video by a male dating coach who supports everything MOA says. It may be helpful!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9uay8u3ZuY; March 28, 2013 at 7:35 AM
VirgoPal said...: Bronzd-

The worst thing about these men is they suck us in so quickly then bolt. Its just amazing. I never slept with my disappearing man (hence, why he probably disappeared), but we spent tons of time conversing and somewhat connecting within the first month.

Every day for 30-60 days is a challenge. I think NC is effective because it allows time to reflect and gather your thoughts.During the interim you will begin to develop a true reflection of everything that went on and gain closure. For me, I was confused initially why my disappearing guy disappeared: was it because of sex, did I push him or become too clingy, or was he just emotionally unavailable?

In the end I realize it wasn't about me. It was HIM! He was trying to game me into his bed. I missed all the red flags and continued to date him despite it. I wanted so bad for this "one" to work out. I didn't want to believe this doctor who seemed very nice initially would try and treat me like a FWB. I consider myself a "good girl" who always do everything "the right way"; so, it had to be my time to find a Prince, right? He was everything I thought I wanted in a man on paper. He was smart, funny, and had great career prospects. However, he disrespected me, was rude, and I barely felt like we had great experiences together. It was always about HIM.

He used my loneliness to fester on my insecurities. He knew I wanted in life, but he still pursued me despite knowing I was a virgin, wanted to be married, and was only looking for a relationship. After reflecting again the past week, I realized I shouldn't be afraid to be without this man. He will never be what I want. Any long term relationship would be full of struggles and probably heartache. The problem is mourning something that really doesn't exist. I don't miss the asshole that he was, but I do miss the idea of who I wanted him to be. Maybe one day he will change for another woman, but I doubt it.

Once he reappeared it was the same thing with him. He acted like he cared for me as a person, sucked me in with multiple text messages/calls,then try to get me to have sex with him. Now in my heart I know he is a doctor who was trying to get laid. My intuition was telling me the entire time he was up to no good, but I didn't listen to myself. He claims he was a virgin and was waiting for marriage ( which I am still unsure if I believe or not), but his action never matched his words. Our friendship was contingent on sexual activity. Hence, why after nearly two week since our last encounter I haven't spoken or heard from him. I am sure he thinks I am going to call HIM, but I am done with that. There will be not be a boost to his ego from this girl. Honestly, I knew once I rejected to have sex with him he was disappear again!; March 28, 2013 at 10:51 AM
chk61 said...: hello to all -

So nice to read everyone's encouraging updates. My disappearing man is the least of my worries. I've been told I require surgery to correct my injury. So I'm pretty worried about that...and still hoping to avoid it.

I pretty much feel like I'm getting over this last guy. It's funny that he has NO idea what happened to me after we last saw each other. When you have a major health scare, it really puts things in perspective.

Moving forward, I am meeting a new guy tomorrow night...and certainly I will not be rushing into anything with him!; March 28, 2013 at 12:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mar 28, 2013 12:55 AM,
Shouldn't really be that difficult given that you only see him every two weeks or month or so anyway. The rubber band theory isn't the no contact theory - two different things.

Rubber band is pulling forward, stepping back, pulling forward, stepping back - each person has a rubber band around their waist and one is pulling while the other is springing towards them. That's how to picture it.

Full on "no contact" is done for a period of 30 days. Rubber band is similar to "mirroring" and can be used sporadically while full on "no contact" is done for a period of 30 days solid.; March 28, 2013 at 6:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 27,2013 at 11:14am,
"But at the same time he will always make plans to see me take me to nice places as I said and buy me nice things Why?"

It's called "stringing" someone along - as a Plan B (to return to later if necessary, keeping it open as an option).

"But what I cant understand is why come back into my life, get no sex ,buy me all the expensive gift and always call to see if I'm ok then gone AGAIN?"

Again, he's stringing you along dear :-(

This is what men do when they want to look for something they think might be better - but they still want the other person to be there in case they don't find anything better or in case the relationship they're pursuing doesn't work out.

It's one of the oldest tricks in the book dear :-(; March 28, 2013 at 6:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA, the information here is perfect, you are doing a great job. I´d like to ask you about mirroring. I´ve been dating a guy for a couple weeks. The thing is he is always late for dates but he always phones me to apologise and inform me what time he´ll arrive. I wouldn´t mind if he didn´t let me wait longer and longer. Several weeks ago it was five minutes, now about 20. I usually come on time as I don´t like gameplaying. Last time I was accidentally 5 min late and 2 min into it he was blowing my phone where I was. So we had a quarrel about his late arrivals and other ways of him being disrespectful towards me. Concerning the arrivals he told me I should have stood him up. I just don´t get it. Did he mean to say that he´d been testing me and I´d failed? I just wanted to stick to my ways, I am punctual so I was with him too, that was all. But to him I was weak. Isn´t it silly? Otherwise he is well-educated, but I thing his ways are stupid, I can´t help it. Are all men like him? He tells me he´s competitive. What´s your opinion? Sorry if I posted this in the wrong place on the blog. Thank you.; March 28, 2013 at 7:05 PM
Jackie said...: So there is this guy who I have like for a while back and he couldn't give me what I wanted. Basically I was the agressor (mistake) and had asked him to hangout, bc I thought we were really good friends and wanted to see where it would lead. Well he would beat arond the bush, apologize and asked for a raincheck and do the same thing! So I decided enough was enough and cut off all contact. Befor you knew it, he'd try commenting on all my posts on twitter hah! But when his birthday came I ignored it on purpose.
Well my birthday was just yesterday and I realized he definitely ignored it on purpose, especially since ive been retweeting my bday shoutouts, one from even his sister! Do you think he's hurt I missed his? , sensitive or just stubborn? I remember when he wrote a post on twitter late at night when I was onlilne and wrote a subtweet abt me "We really dont talk anymore..mind boggling" But then after said "trolling haha" as if it was a joke? Hes a Scorpio. Should I just move on? Its very hard since we were so close.; March 29, 2013 at 1:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 28, 2013 7:05 PM,
"Concerning the arrivals he told me I should have stood him up."

I agree.

"Did he mean to say that he´d been testing me and I´d failed?"

Yep.

"But to him I was weak. Isn´t it silly?"

No dear, it isn't. This is how men think, they are not women and you need to understand that men and women are different and therefore, what a woman would do, a man would not.

"Are all men like him?"

All men test women in one way or another. And many modern day males do it via manipulation and pushing buttons to get a reaction (to test your emotional and personal strength). Men are attracted to strong, confident, independent women. The minute a woman displays she's co-dependent, weak and insecure - the man is turned off. Waiting on a man displays those negative qualities. Men test women to see how controllable they are. So when you wait on a man, he knows he can get away with murder - and you'll still be there (i.e. weak), because you should've stood up for yourself instead (not been available for the date after he was 15 minutes late).

http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

"He tells me he´s competitive."

All men are, they love sports and anything competition related, including competing with each other. Which is the precise reason that they are attracted to strong, confident, independent women (that don't take crap from a man). . . .it's the thrill of the chase dear.

When a woman makes herself too available or she's too understanding of a man's poor treatment of her - it removes all of the fun out of it for the man. There's not chase, no spark, no fun.; March 29, 2013 at 8:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jackie,
"Should I just move on?"

I would. He sounds like a game player that's doing hurtful things to get a reaction. That's an insecure guy dear. And insecure men make crappy boyfriends, husbands and lovers because they behave like that ALL the time. They exhaust women and drive them nuts with hurtful things to make themselves feel more like men.

"We really dont talk anymore..mind boggling" But then after said "trolling haha" as if it was a joke?"

Yep, it was a joke. An Internet "troll" is someone who jumps into social arenas online and attempts to fire up the conversations there by causing trouble and upsetting people. They like to start arguments and fights online and then sit back and watch what happens afterwards.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_(Internet)

He's behaving exactly as insecure men behave - like little children:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/modern-man-power-failure-to-earn.html

I don't think he's worth it and I don't believe he'd make for a good boyfriend either :-(; March 29, 2013 at 8:56 AM
Anonymous said...: I just discovered this site and I love it! I would really appreciate some advice in my situation, so here it goes...

We went on three dates back in December, during which time he immediately showed sincere interest. After 3 dates, he went away on a trip he had planned for 6 weeks. Over those 6 weeks, he sent me a handwritten letters, several emails, a postcard, and was pretty consistently in touch with me when possible. He constantly said how he was so surprised that he could be so taken by someone so quickly. After he got back, it seemed like it almost immediately went into relationship mode, but this was mostly the pace he was setting himself. I'm very cautious in relationships and slow to reveal my feelings, but he was devoting a lot of attention and energy to me, so I went along with the pace since we both seemed so obviously smitten with each other. After a couple of weeks, he had to travel for work for a week and he kept in touch while away and he purposely flew back on valentine's day so we could spend it together. After that, the whole next week he was oddly distant and wasn't making any plans with me. So I played it cool and just said that both of our schedules seemed busy this week so we should try and find a time of the weekend when we would both be free. He said brunch on sunday. We went to brunch, and as soon as we were together, everything seemed fine and he was affectionate and loving, and I though that maybe I was imagining the distance and he was just truly busy. Well, we get back to my house and HE starts 'the talk' with me - saying that he feels like things have been getting serious and it's getting to a point where we should define what this is - BUT he’s not ready for a relationship. I was surprised and told him I'm in no rush to get serious, but he told me he doesn't feel comfortable casually dating because he needs to know he's in it 100% to commit and put effort into it. He said he wasn't sure if he was getting cold feet about committing or if I wasn't right for him. He said he couldn't imagine anyone more perfect, but he couldn't shake off his uncertainty. He suggested maybe we take a break so he could think about things- to which I responded that I felt like a break would lead me to emotionally close off from him and that I didn't want to be with someone who wasn't sure about me or that I had to convince to be with me. It ended with him saying he needed a little time to think about things and he would let me know.; March 30, 2013 at 2:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Continued from above...

btw he also cried during our conversation, saying that it brought him to tears to think how much he would miss me - meanwhile I didn't shed a single tear

The next evening I got this email:

You did everything right. I can not imagine being happier to have found you, let alone to have spent so much time together. If I am honest though, right now is just too fast. I have to step back. I feel horrible for making you feel vulnerable, and even worse if I've hurt you. I will miss you more than you will ever believe. I'm so sorry for not being ready.

To which I responded:

Obviously I'm disappointed and upset because I enjoy spending time with you, but frankly I'm also surprised that you were able to reach that decision so quickly. I felt that there was something special between us, but I am also aware that timing is everything. I don't understand where your reservations and doubts are coming from since we've only ever had an amazing time together, but I respect how you feel. I do wish there was a way to work through that, but if you simply don't feel the same way, then it is what it is.

Your email sounded rather definitive, so clearly I am going to move forward with my life. However, if it turns out that it is just a matter of having some space and time, and you have a change of heart sometime in the near future, please let me know.

I hope maybe we can talk about this further at some point if there is anything left to be said...

No response to my email, so I went into no contact which lasted for a month until out of the blue he sends me a Facebook message saying "Not sure I'm allowed to send this - but I'm just too damn proud of you - congratulations on the exhibition!" since some of my artwork had been accepted into a show, which i posted on FB. I responded with a simple 'thanks, I'm pretty ecstatic about it. how have you been' a day later, and then he responded just telling me about how he's been with no real lead up to continue the conversation.

Overall, with the 6 week trip included, we were together for only 3 (short but intense) months.

I'm feeling really confused, and I'm just wondering why he got back into contact with me, and what to say in response to this meaningless small talk. I really liked him and would like to get back together, but I don't know how to proceed here...

(If it matters, he's a Taurus and so am I)

Thanks so much for any advice!; March 30, 2013 at 2:47 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA and ladies, Cappy Girl here :)
Well....when it rains it pours! I currently have so many men courting me online that I think I need a flow chart! I had a date tonight, soooo cute and shy...probably not smart enough but yum those biceps!
Have a date Sunday that I am going to cancel. Feel a little guilty but not sure why. He lied about being a smoker, kissed me in the middle of the date and wants me to drive an hour to HIS house on Sunday...yeah, not gonna happen.
Monday my girlfriend fixed me up with a guy from across the street. He called me, we chatted for a minute. I took another call and never called him back. He called the next day telling me he had gone over the conversation in his head trying to figure out if he had offened me...nope, just forgot to call back(no idea his name). Have a date with another man that I call Boston on Tuesday because I didnt have any other time availible...love his intellect and he looks pretty yummy! Another one that I swear looks like Clark Kent was frustrated that I was booked up by Wed and said next weekend you are mine! I laughed abd said you will have to wrestle my girlfriends because I have plans! Plus a few others! Whew!
About Taurus man. He kept looking at my dating profile everyday which made me smile. I think he even updated his based on some things I had listed! Tonight I looked for his thinking, "lets see the looser online on Friday night" BUT he now has it hidden (he looked at mine this morning)....When we went on our first date he hid his profile too....does this mean he found the woman of his dreams??? Saturday is 3weeks n/c
I was thinking he was warming up and getting ready to reach out....and that made me feel powerful!
I take solace in the idea that he had a line in his profile saying, :Ladies if I reach out to you it is because I saw something I like, not just your pictures. I need a woman that has some inititve and will write back" I thought maybe it wasnt going well.....But?
Will my brain ever let go of this unhealthy obsession?
BTW, should I hide my profile...seriously, I cannot add anymore to the pool! The dating is killing me BUT I dont want anyone one I go out with to feel like he is in the drivers seat!
Thank you Ladies! I love your stories :); March 30, 2013 at 5:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 30, 2:41 AM,
If I were you, I'd put this man to the test. DO NOT make yourself available to him UNTIL he makes repeated attempts to contact you and eventually expresses regret and a desire to "talk."

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

Otherwise, this man could string you along for months as a backup or "plan B" while he's keeping his options open.

Never make someone your priority while they're treating you like their option :-); March 30, 2013 at 1:13 PM
Peter said...: @MOA

I was reading recently about the "Scarcity" theory of value and there are some interesting points.

Research has suggested that there are 7 Specific behavioural laws that when worked together influence how we "value" an object or person. These can be applied to an almost endlless number of situations in life from business purposes to attraction and dating.

1-Law of Reciprocity
If someone does something for us we are more obligated to do something for them. It can be anything from a word in an important persons ear to a actively giving gifts. Even something small as a person we view as important givng us the time to provide our view falls under this law.This comes from the primal need to be in harmony with others in our social group in order to promote survival. Many people also don't the "I owe you one" feeling so they act to close the gap and remove any bargaining position another person may have.

2-Law of Comparison
One way humans judge is by comparison and that can't be changed. We can only define somthing when we compare it to something else. Human experience is about context and that will always involve judgements about comparison no matter how small they are.

3-Law of Cinstency
Humans will always act whether knowing or unknowingly in a way that is consistent with what they think, know or feel. We can attempt to hide these things but this law makes sure we are dead give away to someone who knows read people.

4-Law of Social Proof
Humans are social beings we need other people that is a fact of life. As humans we are more likely to be influenced in our judgements by what we see on social level from other people. Its the law of "well everyone else it....so why can't I?". If our judgement is validated on a social level we are more likely to act on it and less likely to change it.

5-Law of Scarcity
As it has been said here already, we make judgements based on how abundant or how rare something or someone is whether its an object, person or experience.

6-Law of Liking
This is easy we are influnced by what or who we like. We are influenced in the area area of liking most by:
-Physical Atrraction or Beauty in a person or object
-People similar to us or remind us of positive people in our life
-People who compliment us
-Objects, situations or people that are familiar
-People who co-operate easily with us
-People we associate with producing positive emotional feelings in us

7-Law of Authority
Hummans are strongly influenced by strong authority in leadership. The more unshakeable that leadership the better. Tis is not a result of what is said. When a person presents authority based on how they speak, how they act and they type of words they use then we are more likely to be influenced. Also more likely to add value to those people. Notice I said type of words and how they speak...not actual content of what is spoken. Actions, tone of voice and type of words. Content is a small part, which is why some in politics can be so be so charismatic as peope don't always vote for policy,they vote for the person instead.

All of thse laws are applied to us every day in many different ways. This includes in dating too.; March 30, 2013 at 8:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies heed Peters words here...let those concepts sink in because these things matter, tremendously.

Peter, thank you ;-); March 30, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Peter

Thank you,Peter,for a most insightful read.Gonna let this one sink in.

Lots of love and light to all my ladies here!Hugs; March 31, 2013 at 6:17 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm wondering if this technique will work with someone that 'I' broke it off with? because he was unsure of his feelings for me and he's up and down with his feelings, I let him off the hook.I sent him a text as I had been awake all night when he stayed here worrying over what he'd told me when he was drunk,this wasn't the first time he had gotten drunk and told me ' he wanted to see other women' so i had no choice but to cut him loose for my own sanity as it was doing my head in and his too.This happened a month ago and i have made no contact with him or him with me, it's the longest we have been without seeing each other,we had been together almost every week for over a year, he stayed with me for a week here and 2 weeks there and we had fun every-time as we are both heavily involved in the same hobbies and interests

thank you; March 31, 2013 at 7:01 AM
Anonymous said...: Anon from Mar 21, 2013 4:28 AM again.

It seems rather than my guy having a bit of old relationship stuff going on, he simply found someone he liked better! I know I shouldn't be surprised by this, we were only 'dating', but given the circumstances I thought I was merely being dated out of opportunity if you will, not that he was being proactive on the dating scene.

But, this is actually a very positive discovery, because I can now take off my rose-colored glasses and see that this guy was absolutely just playing me! I suspect he went looking for greener pastures once he realized I wasn't about to sleep with him any time soon. I'm counting this as a big win to me - my dignity is intact, and hopefully he puzzled at least for a few moments about how I was able to resist his 'charms'! It also means that, shall he ever reappear (and I wouldn't be surprised if he gets tired of his new flame), saying no is going to be oh so easy. Is it wrong that I now actually hope I get that opportunity? ;)

And, even though I can't believe I was sucked in by this guy as long as I was, it's not all in vain - I can't wait to apply some of the lessons learned from this site as I go forth back into the dating world :)

I think the biggest one ladies is to follow your gut - this guy did so many little things along the way that really gnawed at me (he always made plans at the last minute, he was big on talk but not on action), and yet I sat there and copped it like an idiot, making excuses for him and hoping it would get better. Well, Fairground Attraction said it best ladies!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txapREGWHp0

All the best to everyone here.; March 31, 2013 at 8:25 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello all:

I'm hoping everyone has enjoyed a nice Easter weekend. I spent some time away with a great male friend who is NOT a player. :) He is adding to my MOA teachings, lately teaching me how to "parrot" things back onto men. A la the mirroring that Aphrodite teaches. It's very helpful indeed.

The aries man I'm taking with asked me to call him yesterday "If you want to" he says. Well, I did want to talk to him but if HE wanted to talk, HE should'a called, eh? So I didnt call, nor did I acknowledge it. He texts me in the AM every day, and I reply within an hour or two. Today he asked if he could call me :) So, I'm teaching him how to treat me, aren't I? He said he is anxious to meet me and asked where I live. He is mapping it out on his phone and soon I expect he will offer to drive over HERE. I'm patting myself on the back as I am a good student.

Another guy sends me a winkie dinkie on the dating site today. I wait hours to wink back. He then sends an email saying "Why do all the sexy women live in your city? Gosh, guess I'm gonna have to move over there :)". Well, call me old fashioned but that opening line comes across as too bold and insincere. Typical "player" lines. Compliment the woman!! The word sexy is too "smooth" to use in the beginning. He didn't even ask me for my name for crap's sake. Nor did he give his. I replied with "You have a name?" That's it. He replied right away with "I"m Joe. and you are?". (not real name, btw). I "feel" he is one cocky Rocky so I'm gonna shelve him till I feel he is sincere. Listening to my gut, here MOA. Too bad cus I liked what he wrote in his profile.

Lastly, I'm feeling angry again at the sag. I guess I gotta pray for him some more. It hurts when men do this to us, doesn't it? *smh*

I hope you all are well...Gemini50...am dying to hear what's happ with virgo and scorpio!! Fill us in when you can!!; March 31, 2013 at 8:36 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Gemini50

How's it going with the Virgo?I could not believe it when I read about your Scorpio and the exchange you 2 had.Great job on keeping your wits together and nice touch on that 'talk to you in a few weeks' line.That's a bad bitch move right there LOL.

@Lady Leo

Praying you find peace and liberation soon.That Sag has had you under his spell for way too long.Poeple who reject and ignore us always gain that power over us,unfortunately.It's a curse but I'm proud you haven't reached out any longer.Let him go.

@Moa

My Sag is taking his time.After that 'love' comment a week ago,I haven't heard from him at all though he still mirrors my updates somehow.I miss him Mirror and some days I am sad again but I have a gut feeling about him and those feelings he might have for me.Unless he comes forward though,nothing will ever come of this cause I wont pursue.I feel torn,should I ,should he?But then I know not to pursue or initiate anymore but what saddens me is the length of time.I mean it is Spring.Spring!..sometimes I wonder whether he met someone in the meantime but he said himself a week ago that he hadnt.At least no one significant.I guess I'm just mad,cause neither have I.There is this internet Libra guy but no,not into him,plus he wanted to immediately call and I told him off.WHATS WITH THE RUSH?#red flagged and kicked to the curb.

I miss my Sag :(

Where is Virgochick???Are you well,honey?You and your guy still together and happy?

Hope the Easter bunny dropped by everyone's house!Hugs to all; April 1, 2013 at 2:04 PM
Lady Leo said...: Well for the love of internet dating....

Some players are just TOO obvious. The guy who emails me yesterday asking why are all the sexy women in MY city (meaning mine) strikes again.

I replied to him yesterday with "You have a name?". He replied with his name and asking mine. I ignored, no answer. Tonight he writes again "You just exude sexiness!!". LOL What a toad. Not bothered to ask a sincere question, fein interest..just went straight for the hard core complimenting. LOL

So I will just have to reply with......?

Silence for now! Too bad all players can't be so obvious.; April 1, 2013 at 9:29 PM
Bronzd said...: @VirgoPal

I totally understand. I think after 3 going on 4 months of NC I now understand that he simply isn't interested. WHICH IS FINE! I think it's great. If I didn't use NC I would be a little angry. But I'm not. Can you imagine spending that long wasting time with someone who isn't interested vs learning about yourself and testing your strength. I have never had a case where NC didn't work...until now. At some point or another all of my exes or dates have come back. But this guy isn't. I'm disappointed in what I "imagined" him to be. I was ignoring red flags because of my ideal. To be able to say, "my bf is an educated, good looking, tall, and upcoming Olympic athlete" is what motivated me.But im proud that i didn't stay around long enough where I lost my value. Value is everything. I couldn't see the red flags for what they were. So my point is, why make ourselves worried and thinking about someone who doesn't think about you at all? And when you think about it...it makes it much easier to forget about him. You did the right thing by not getting too deeply involved with that Dr. You have kept your worth. Who knows who you might meet! If you attracted a doctor what more can you attract. Good for you!; April 2, 2013 at 3:48 AM
Lady Leo said...: Hello Sista T':

Thanks for your nice comments. And I feel you on missing your Sag. I still do too. :(

It just is what it is. I don't feel much desire to contact him, which is a blessing. I suppose it's because I am becoming more and more alined with MY needs and MY self-respect. Though I still wish he would contact me, mainly so I can ignore him, truth be told. That's just my ego wanting to strengthen itself.

I;m living through it and learning from it which will go a long way to build my character and the ability to deal with men in future.

I hope we hear from Chk61 and Gemini50 soon. Take care my friend and keep putting one foot in front of the other.; April 2, 2013 at 7:38 AM
chk61 said...: hi all -

Been laying low, trying to heal and grappling with the idea of surgery....without going into details, this is a major surgery and possibly a life changer (not always in a good way...). So your prayers and warm healing thoughts are welcome and lovingly requested! I am still really counting on healing naturally as surgery seems so invasive and scary...not to mention, no guarantees of a good result!

As far as my disappearing man, he remains disappeared. I did have a date with a new guy last Friday but I have not heard from him and frankly, it's totally fine. We had a pleasant time but I did not feel "wowed"..maybe that's a good thing but I'm certainly *not* going to pursue him. If we don't go out again, I don't think I'll really care...but I'll wish him well (silently!)

Today I even smiled thinking about my disappearing man and now that my body is suffering, my mind/heart is able to look at our time together and feel somewhat grateful for it! I'm releasing him with "love", blessing him with warm thoughts and hoping he finds happiness.

Healing is my number one priority. Happy to hear of everyone's updates...stay strong, ladies!; April 2, 2013 at 12:25 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and all the ladies and gentlemen here! I haven´t written for some time but have been following all of your stories. I´d like to greet you and wish you all the best.

What´s new with me? Since I dumped that player with Mirror´s kind support I´ve been trying to date new men but it´s been difficult because there are virtually no men on the dating site from around the area where I live. So I take everything that comes along so to speak but thanks to Mirror´s advice I am able to eliminate the risky ones in time. I´ve been corresponding with one man who is a head and a half shorter than me - and I am quite short - and what is worse, almost as thin as me - and I am quite thin. However, he is proving himself as a gentleman. And I just want to say Mirror is right. Poor guy, he is the only one I am totally uninterested in because he isn´t my type at all, but he doesn´t seem to be willing to give up. Most of the men I´ve showed at least a little interest in treated me relatively indiffereently but this one is really into me... It´s exactly like Mirror has said many times. I have never experienced this because I always somehow managed to discourage such guys in the past. And this one doesn´t let me. Really surprising, he is definitely scoring in my eyes although I don´t believe I´ll change my mind. :-(

And what about that player? I´ve spied on him on the dating site a few times, he is still active but not so much as while he was meeting me. Maybe he´s already found a new victim, who knows?

That´s all my news. I am grateful to Mirror and all the community here and once again wish everybody good luck and happiness in relationships - sooner or later.(-:
HopefulWithMen; April 2, 2013 at 3:21 PM
Scorp92 said...: Hi MOA,

Thanks for your advice on this site. I was wondering if I could ask your opinion. I was dating a guy and I invited him to see a movie and he agreed to the following day. He told me Ill let you know while we were planning a time for our third date. He never did and I never said anything about it and didn't contact him. Later on twitter he randomly tweeted It is possible to be too honest. The next tweet was Im sorry. Then someone said tell them and he said I can't. Then he tweeted F#$K #eggshells. What does that mean?
I feel like things changed after that and he started disappearing. He wouldn't ignore me though. I'm confused because the previous week he tells me he likes me and everything is fine. He did say the previous week that he is sorry for being distant and he was finding it hard to balance 2 people and he wants to put more time into me. Then he seems to suggests that he wants sex (I didn't understand his way of asking for it). Later that week, I suggest the theaters for our third date and since he's "honest" he could've told me no instead of saying, "tomorrow?"
So, dearest MOA, what does all of this mean? The eggshells comment and acting different? I mean I never gave him attitude and I followed all the rules I presume. So what gives?; April 2, 2013 at 4:44 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA in your opinion would you think that men can't focus on a relationship if sex is only on their mind? Meaning if a man hasn't had it in a while would it make it more difficult for him to truly focus on you.; April 2, 2013 at 6:28 PM
Madame X said...: I LOVE reading these stories and I do religiously. :D
@ Scorp92 When you typed, "I was dating a guy and I invited him to see a movie." I bet Mirror will say, "DON'T ask a guy out!" :D See if I'm right. Eggshells, huh? I wonder if he means, he feels like he's "walking on eggshells" Hmmm... I wonder. Jesus, guys drive me nuts. Did they all take a class in school that none of us females knew of? "How to be an idiot 101" (Chuckle); April 2, 2013 at 7:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello again MOA!

Sunny Heart here...with an update! "Dissapearing man reapears two weeks later". I wrote on 3/27/13 at 7:04pm.

Before I go on to my update. Thank you Lady Leo for your advise as well. I just read it, I need all the support I can get! lol :)

Well, I never responded as you advised...and
I blew him off,as we discussed above.

Well, he came back again 2 days later and sent me another text, asking "how my day was going" and "how is my job hunting going"(I'm looking for another job). I was so surprised...but still pissed! Like seriously?! You want to chat?! WTF!!!
I simply blew him off again. Eff that! Well, less than an hour later, he wrote me another
long text, and this is what he said...generally speaking...
He goes on to say, "please don't be mad at me" then he says, "the true is, I felt like I was getting too close, and It kinda of scared me. I am not sure I am ready for that","the truth is I do not think about my ex girlfriend anymore and that has been over for a long time" then he closes with "please don't be mad at me" again.

Well, MOA and Lady Leo...this pissed me off even more!, because that means he lied to me, in the first text he wrote me when he reappeared! It hurt me even more, that he was such a coward, and just thought about himself throughout this whole, "disappeaing act" so to speak. You know girls, I am a really sweet and understanding lady, but I have to guard my heart here, first. So, I did not respond again. I still haven't. Now I was thinking on responding next week, making that the 2 weeks HE
diappeared, and just simply writing..."Thank you for letting me know, I wish you the best".

Okay, MOA, I need your assistance again.
Please! lol.

By the way ladies, I have a date with another "pursuer" tomorrow, lol. I learned my lesson and from now on I am going to let any man interested in me do all the chasing, and I will sit back and enjoy it!!! Oh, and there will be a 3 month maximum, wait on having intimacy too.

I have learned a lot here MOA. THANK YOU FOR YOUR GREAT ADVISE!!! :) Sunny Heart; April 2, 2013 at 8:09 PM
VirgoPal said...: Bronzd-

I am sure that guy does think about you. However, he probably expects you to chase him. I bet he is an insecure man like most of the men in this blog. Men don't want to do any work, and honestly, I am not going to assist in their laziness and NEITHER should you!

VirgoPal; April 2, 2013 at 11:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Madame X,
Yep, you're absolutely right. When I read that she asked him out, I thought "that's a big no no" LOL ;-); April 3, 2013 at 8:53 AM
Bronzd said...: @VirgoPal

It just doesn't make sense to chase a man like MOA said. Women are a dime a dozen now and it's his fault if he didn't appreciate you. It takes a strong woman to use NC. In your case you did the right thing. He was manipulative and untrustworthy. I know you'll find someone better than that guy. In my case, I do think he wants me to chase him. That's why its important to establish what MOA said in the beginning. I do think that men who don't "get" the girl completely, come back because they haven't accomplished what they wanted. I've never met a guy (this case is the exception) that left without sex or (the girl didn't chase or give the expected reaction)and never came back. I think they begin to think of you as a challenge when you don't chase. Even if they've had you. They think you are valuable because someone else must be occupying your time because you aren't chasing them. It's a trip but that's the way it is i guess lol; April 3, 2013 at 3:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, Met a guy about six weeks ago. Sincw he lives in another (nearby) state, weve been on three dates. He called nearly every day and texted as well. I responded to all texts, not right away and was around to take calls maybe fifty percent of the time. He said that I was a player lol but we got along well. He said it was a long time since hes felt this way about anyone and I was captivating etc. We met online. Anyway, one day he just stopped calling. That was about a week ago. I feel maybe I played things too close to the chest. When he said his feelings I didnt really say much about mine (that comes naturally to me.) Not sure what I did wrong. No sex was involved....; April 3, 2013 at 5:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous April 3, 5:25PM,
"When he said his feelings I didnt really say much about mine"

I really don't consider what he said to be a man expressing his "true" feelings dear. It's flattering and it's nice, but it's not really genuine. If he had genuine feelings, he would've expressed a desire for exclusivity, which he didn't do. Sounds to me like he was fishing around, telling you what he thought you'd want to hear. . .to see if you'd sleep with him.

"No sex was involved...."

And I think you know that as well. He expected things to move into the sexual realm after the 3rd date or so and when he went "fishing" to see if that was a possibility, when you didn't jump on his affections and into his lap, he split.

That's a player dear. And you just dodged a bullet there. Don't blame yourself for this, even if you would've slept with him, most likely he'd have disappeared anyway.

I don't think this was a man seeking a relationship, I think he was a man seeking free and easy sex - and when it wasn't free and didn't come easy, he split.

You should be thankful.; April 4, 2013 at 1:31 AM
SilentScream said...: @MOA

I didn't get a response from you for my March 24, 2013, 1:12AM post. Maybe I missed it? Would love to know what your advice is regarding sending him a simple happy birthday text on his birthday in another 19 days. Still miss him. I've been on NC for 35 days now since his last text after I unfriended him. Nothing from him yet. =( Would sending a happy birthday text be "wrong"? Thanks.; April 4, 2013 at 2:31 AM
Alana said...: @MOA and @Peter,

A slight change of topic... So I've been seeing this guy for 6 weeks - 5 dates so far. He's been really sweet/thoughtful and is now in touch every day. In fact, I find it hard to break off conversations with him cos he's always giving me another question!

It's still early days but obviously the physical aspect is escalating... Normally I’d want the security of exclusivity, and in the past, this is where I would say, "I don't sleep with anyone I'm not in an exclusive relationship with" and see if the guy steps up. But those guys in the past also would just fade out at this point.

SO this time, I'm thinking of doing what MOA teaches - no words, no pressure, and just see if the guy moves forward to commitment on his own over time. Normally I'd feel quite vulnerable, but oddly I feel confident/comfortable doing it this way with this guy.

There is another alternative that a friend suggested: she thinks that you can always make a guy think that commitment was his idea. She suggested that I subtly plant a seed in his mind ONCE – eg next time we’re making out, to say something to the effect of, “if you weren’t dating other women, we’d be having so much more fun ;)” and let that grow in his head.

What do you guys think? Or would a guy read through this and see it as pressure?

Thank you!!

-Alana; April 4, 2013 at 5:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SilentScream,
I wouldn't send a birthday wish. If you do, whatever the result is, you'll only have yourself to blame...for walking right into. Meaning, if he rejects you or ignores you, you'll set yourself right back to square one and bring pain upon yourself.

Additionally, you unfriended him. Sending him a birthday wish after doing that will only make you appear emotionally unstable to him with all of the mixed signals, thus increasing the probability that this will backfire on you.

You're suffering self doubt right now, and taking action on negative feelings such as self doubt rarely ever produces positive results. You've come this far and he's expressed no desire to repair this. I don't advise taking any action with him until he expresses regret and/or a desire to have a "talk" with you. Only then are you're chances of success in your favor.; April 4, 2013 at 10:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Alana,
I not advise anything like that as this is where many women go wrong with men. Men aren't stupid dear and a comment like that....they see right through it.

A statement like that is obvious to a man. It's a woman attempting to take control and steer the relationship....instead of a no pressure situation where things happen naturally and at the right times. Making statements like that backfires, as you've already experienced. And no matter how subtle, when it comes to sex, men read those signals loud and clear.

That will translate to him as "no commitment, no sex." He'll be gone if he feels the pressure.

You may be ready for that, but he may not. I suggest that you casually date until he brings up the subject of exclusivity. Don't ever tell him no sex without commitment....simply show it in your actions. Telling him that will send him away, as you've seen in the past.

My suggestion would be to wait for him to express a desire for exclusivity. If he attempts sex prior to that, simply make a general excuse and do not put yourself in situations with him where intimacy can develop. It's easily avoidable then.

In the meantime, signal less that you want commitment and more that YOU are ALSO dating others.

That's what cases a man to step up and realize he wants exclusivity...the thought of another man receiving something he wants and cares for ;-); April 4, 2013 at 10:27 AM
Alana said...: I see, thanks very much for the detailed post, MOA! I very much appreciate it. It's been so nice having a wise voice in all of this!

-Alana; April 4, 2013 at 6:34 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms Mirror, Sista' T, Lady L and Chk61,

I happily watched Virgo pass thru airport security last night to fly home.

Nothing new from him, thinking about it today, it was his same behavior. He helped me do a couple manly things around the house, and I let him know how much I appreciated it. But he didn't stretch out of his comfort zone to show me that he wanted to be "my" man, he had plenty of opportunities to step up, but didn't, and a couple times couldn't stop himself from inappropriate comments towards me.

This time, though, I handled it. With the first comment on Day 3 (I can't repeat -- it was a sexual act reference for a bet he wanted to make), we were having lunch/drinks. When he made the comment, I just physically backed away and out of the conversation via my body motion and expression. He immediately apologized, said he was joking, but the words were out there.

The second time, Day 5, I was driving my car, and passing by a house. I pointed it out and mentioned a guy I used to work with 20 yrs ago wanted me to buy the house from his parents. Virgo made an inappropriate comment about me regarding the co-worker. I called him on it and asked him what he really thought of me to say such a rude comment. He again said he was joking and apologized. But this time I told him his comment was mean and hurtful and makes me wonder what he really thinks of me.

The last thing he said was not of sexual nature, rather I think it was something to make me worry or for him to get the upper hand, but I had an answer for it (thanks to Ms. Mirror), and I had had enough.

He was preparing his stuff to leave later on Day 5, and said something about flying off to another state to meet the next woman.

I walked right up to him, face to face and said, "Be careful, two can play at that game (paused, with a peck on the lips, finishing with)...and I'll be the Coach."

LOL He didn't know what to say.

But no drama during the visit -- I can ensure that thru a lifetime of training ;) So, we went off to the airport and said our pleasant good-byes.

Continued... to tonight; April 4, 2013 at 8:23 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued...

So today we are both at work and he im's me about 3:00. We are both pleasant, both have a lot of catching up to do for work.

Tonight before I left work he texts> You are a great person, thanks for all the attention and fun

Me> No response

When I got home, another text 4:50pm> Easter hunt :) (I guess he is thinking about the eggs I hid for him in my back yard on Easter morning)

Me 5:18> U r welcome. Easter hunt was fun. Get some rest. U must be exhausted.

Virgo 5:19> Do u want to talk later?

Me 5:20> If I m awake. U may not b tired, but I am.

Virgo 5:21> Ok (Then he calls 15 minutes later)

He asks me if he wore me out.

Me> No, getting back into work today wore me out.

Virgo> Just say yes, it's a man thing.

Me> Yes, you are a lot of work.

Virgo thanks me again for everything I did for him during the visit, told me how special he thinks I am, then complains he has no food in his house and asks if I feel sorry for him.

Me> Nope. You can go pick up something dear.

I can't remember much more right now of our conversation, but it wasn't bad, it was normal, cordial, pleasant. I told him I was tired a few times, and we ended the conversation fine.

Virgo 6:05pm> Something wrong

Me> ?

Virgo> Sound different

(I sound different to him because I'm not kissing his axx -- and I guess this is my opportunity to be straight with him in a respectful manner.)

Me> Come on. Just taking care of myself. I was thinking on drive home how to explain my thoughts.

Me> Think of a balloon and the effort it takes to blow it up vs the effect of one stab with a pin. Doesn't seem equal, does it, but result is damaging.

No response from Virgo

15 minutes later I send another text> U r a great guy and I still want to see u. (Because I do, but I know where I stand and what I can expect from him. We've been friends for a long time, and if he can be friends, then I am good with it.)

Virgo> Are u having second thoughts

Continued...; April 4, 2013 at 9:16 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued #3...

Now, Virgo has made comments about us being together in the past, but they've been very vague and as Ms. Mirror has said, it has sounded much like fantasy in his head with no consideration how it will affect me, so I have not bitten.

So, I respond> To what?

Virgo waits an hour to respond with> Me

I haven't responded. I don't want to. He hasn't told me how he feels about me, he has never said the word "love." The stuff he has said to me in the beginning of our friendship on the phone has not come to fruition regarding how he treats a woman, and he hasn't asked for exclusivity, so I just don't want to respond to it.

I told him earlier on phone that I was going to clean my kitchen, take a bath and go to bed... so, I'm in bed.

I don't know if I should be writing all this stuff, but I guess I am sharing to show how this one man behaves, and maybe Ms. Mirror can see things in it as examples to help us all identify things in the future.

The good news (I'm always looking for the good news and good side of things lol)... so the good news is that (right now) I am ok thru this. I am not happy that my lonely nights will continue, but I am happy to not be in an unhappy relationship. And the reason for it is because the dots that Ms. Mirror has connected for me were a path to follow on my road of taking care of my self.

CHEERS to all and thank you for your super lovely positive thoughts... I snuck a peak on Monday or Tuesday night and your mention of me made me smile... so thank you! I am doing the same for you -- sending you love and support.

And for Chk61, you keep sending those supportive thoughts towards your last guy and his world, and you watch... he's gonna come knocken' lol. And for those that need an explanation, the thoughts are akin to when we let our adult kids go. We love them tremendously, we want to keep them near, but know they have their own lives to live so have to let them go and spread their wings to live their own lives. We let them go with as much strength as we had when we held them close as infants. We pray for their safety, their happiness and their futures. I think when we can do it for those that have hurt us (without malicious intent), or not given us what we wanted (because maybe they can't, and again without malicious intent), I THINK that is called grace.

HUGS!; April 4, 2013 at 9:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Aphrodite, is making a disclosure to a man that you realise you like him (we've been good friends for months) pursuing him?

C, London; April 4, 2013 at 11:49 PM
chk61 said...: Next week it will be 60 days since *any* contact with my disappearing man. Each day it does get a bit easier although I will admit I think of him often (daily). He is still active on dating sites so I guess he's not "in love".

Currently there is one man ardently pursuing me...he would probably fall into the category of "nice guy". One issue is he doesn't have a job, and he's probably close to 50. I know the economy is what it is but I've seen what happens in new relationships when someone (especially the man) isn't working and it doesn't always end well. Although my last long term relationship my ex wasn't working when we first met....hmmm...truthfully I'm just not that attracted to this guy I think. Also I've been consumed with trying to heal and get back to normal.

I ventured out the other night and ran into an old friend/colleague who I've had a tiny crush on for years. He walked me to my car and asked me to lunch. I hemmed and hawed a bit as I had work and an appointment and we both said "let's get in touch tomorrow". So he called about 6:00Pm and we went out for a drink/eats (split it). I'm thinking it was more of a friendly thing yet the walking to the car and actually asking me to get together was interesting. This was a first.

And on the ex front: a guy I fell truly, madly, deeply for 6 years ago after I left the 4.5 year prior boyfriend has been offering to help me out with my current injury situation. He broke my heart twice, two go-arounds that lasted three months and both times he bailed. It was tough, *really* tough, as we worked together in our avocation (which I refused to quit) and I could not be in No Contact. Yet despite still finding him attractive, I think I'm over him. I also think in his mind he has befriended me (and yes, it took years!) but it's nice to know that he cares.

So despite being somewhat of a shut-in with this injury I am getting some male attention. :-); April 5, 2013 at 8:20 AM
Alana said...: @MOA,

So this suitor had asked me out for Saturday this weekend - but I wasn't able to do Sat, and suggested Sunday as an alternative instead. He wasn't able to do Sunday and said he also can't do early next week... And now he's suggesting a date NEXT weekend. I haven't responded.

I know it's just a scheduling issue, but part of me is a bit bummed that he doesn't mind waiting another week/didn't want to me earlier. Eg I was hoping he would suggest brunch this weekend!

What should I do - should I (i) just accept this date for next week and then leave it to him to come up with brunch ideas in the future, (ii) accept the date but also jokingly hint at wanting to see him in a day time setting, (iii) not respond to the text and let him come up with something else before responding?

Sorry this is such a nitty-gritty thing, but I am not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about it... I personally wish I could see him earlier!

Alana; April 5, 2013 at 12:09 PM
Sam said...: Do you think an ex that you want to get back with would even date you if you told him you are living with another ex, but strictly platonic? I can't keep it from him if I did date him because he would eventually find out and think there was more going on by not telling him. But until I get out of school, land a job, get on my own, I need a roommate. I could just not date until then, but that'll be 2 years. Ugh! We just email each other, he keeps asking, where I am, what have I been up to. Telling me palces he'll be. (like I'd just show up) eye roll. What do I do?; April 5, 2013 at 2:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Well dear, my first thought is that you've come a long way baby, LOL ;-)

You should be proud of yourself, you handled every single situation he threw at you like a pro. Dignified, stable, in control, unrattled, logical and rational. You didn't give him one excuse to blame you for any failures that came/or may have come from this. Rather, you stuck everything he threw at you right back on him - exactly where it belongs, considering it's his "stuff" that's causing fractures here.

And here's something I noticed that isn't sitting entirely well with me and it's very telling into his mental perspective:

"You are a great person"

Here's what I see there. This tells me that HE was sizing YOU up on this trip - instead of HIM focusing on impressing YOU, he was expecting YOU to impress HIM. Translation: He made very little effort to impress YOU as he felt this was all about HIM.

And I wonder if he thinks you can make the same statement of HIM after this trip - or if he's even given an ounce of thought to that at all.

"thanks for all the attention and fun"

Again, it's all about HIM. Can you thank HIM for all of the attention and fun HE provided YOU on this trip?

This tells me that part of his motivation here was an ego stroke - "attention." The other half was fulfillment of HIS needs - "fun."

But again, I have to wonder if he even gave an ounce of thought concerning providing YOU with attention and making sure he did everything he could to ensure that YOU ALSO had fun?

"(Then he calls 15 minutes later)"

You got him, LOL - sting! NOW he's THINKING (finally), a day late and a dollar short, eh? Had he tried harder during the trip, he may not be feeling insecure upon reflection after it.

"Just say yes, it's a man thing."

Ego stroke again. (Insecure)

"complains he has no food in his house and asks if I feel sorry for him."

Attention, ego issues, insecure, needy.

"Something wrong"

Insecure again. (Had he given any of this one damn ounce of thought during the trip, he could've avoided ALL of this - ALL of the feelings he felt upon returning home. . .sigh.)

"I haven't responded. I don't want to."

Good. Don't feel compelled to lift this guy up while he zaps you of your energy. Additionally, he need to THINK about what he's doing here. What's his goal? Why is he doing this? What's his motivation for behaving this way? What does he expect to get out of this? Is he serious about this or just playing around receiving ego strokes? Does he intend to step it up a notch and move this to the next level?

Those are all things he needs to THINK about - so give him plenty of time and space to do so and don't attempt to influence his thinking there.

"the good news is that (right now) I am ok thru this."

Well you can congratulate yourself dear and perpetuate those positive vibes because you handled yourself like a pro here, you'll be moving into black widow territory any day now, and you've already graduated into full blown bitch territory:

B-abe I-n T-otal C-ontrol (of) H-erself

Cont. . .; April 5, 2013 at 5:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: As a woman, it's a much more positive feeling to CHOOSE to be alone that it is to feel the NEED to settle dear. And now, you're making your own CHOICES, which is as it should be. You're becoming enlightened sweetie and soon, you're feet will barely touch the ground ;-)

I'm not attempting to rip this man apart here. I want you to make whatever decisions you feel are best for yourself - independent thought process. But I did want to point those things out to take consideration of when weighing your decision. It's not that he's a bad man (intentionally) it's just that. . .is he a man that can make you happy?

Did you feel good when you were with him or did you feel BETTER when he left? Are you experiencing a "high" right now when reflecting on your time spent with him? Do you anticipate his next communication with butterflies in your stomach? Does your skin tingle and do you smile when you see it's him contacting you on your phone?

Does he leave you feeling WHOLE - or does he leave you feeling EMPTY, as if there's a void and/or something missing?

Answer those questions dear - they'll guide you towards your future ;-); April 5, 2013 at 5:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @C, London,
If you did that BEFORE he made any such disclosures to YOU, then yes. (It's you making an "approach" of sorts.); April 5, 2013 at 5:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Alana,
I sense you struggle for control a bit in dating and relationships dear, LOL. I mean no disrespect, I just want to point this out to you as some "food for thought" :-) Because I think you make things a bit more difficult or complicated for yourself than they need to be by focusing on what you WANT to happen, rather than simply enjoying what IS actually happening.

Do this, "just accept this date for next week"

And don't worry about the rest. Don't immediately begin attempting to "steer" things in a certain direction.

Sit back, relax and enjoy. That's all you have to do right now. Don't make it more complicated than it is - just have fun sweetie ;-); April 5, 2013 at 5:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sam,
"Do you think an ex that you want to get back with would even date you if you told him you are living with another ex, but strictly platonic?"

Well, that depends on the man dear. A real man, a confident man - he may be able to pull that off. But an immature man? No way, won't even consider it.

Because you see, a lot of men feel that any man spending any time with a woman - means he must be sleeping with her. Because that's what MEN would do, that's how they think about it.

But as women, we realize that no one's getting the "goods" unless we say so. A man can try and try and try, but until we submit, it's a no go. So for women, it's like, "Yea, we're platonic friends" and we can say that with confidence, truth and sincerity because. . .WE HOLD THE KEY, LOL.

We know it to be truth.

However, men come at things from more of a sexual experience than women do. So many men assume that women are out there acting just like they do. . .in heat and on the hunt, LOL.

Which simply isn't true.

So it's understandable when a man questions that sort of thing, but if he really looked at it from a woman's perspective - he'd see that in a woman's world "platonic" truly does exist.

It does in a man's world at times as well. But probably less when compared to a woman's world.; April 5, 2013 at 5:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50 and Chk61,
Hey ladies, just a head's up. I have some inside intel on a new man on the scene here, LOL, and I want to point you two lovely ladies in his direction.

He's commented on the following posts:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/modern-man-power-failure-to-earn.html

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/dumper-dumpee-dating-help-break-up.html

Just a head's up ladies. . .he eligible, dignified, has a wonderful career, age appropriate - and he's. . .wait for it. . .he's a GENTLEMAN.

I'm not attempting to pit either one of you gals against each other here, LOL. . .but both of you immediately sprang to mind when I held a discussion with this fella ;-)

Why not give him some kudos for his recent comments and expression of his views and engage him in discussion. . .hint, hint.

djbuck1

(aka Anonymous male on one or two of those recent comments there); April 5, 2013 at 6:02 PM
Peter said...: @MOA and Sam

Here's my view on that from my perspective, now don't mistake this arrogance at all just my feelings. I don't feel any thing to worry about other men being around my lady.

First of all in my experience there are normally different ways a woman will view a man:

1- No attraction...No friendship. She doesn't know you.
2-No Attraction it's strictly friendship she can never see that friend as a potential match.
3-Friendship and Attraction leading to a relationship.
4-Attraction and just looking for a hook up.

I'm ok with my lady having male friends even ones with an attraction to them. Firstly I trust my lady. Secondly I know the man I am.I can and will make my lady happy. Also any man that knows me in general has never tried to even go near a lady of mine,in fact my friends have stopped me at times seeing their lady...with them in the room. This happens despite them being the better looking and supposedly "higher value" men. I don't take other mens women I don't have to and it's wrong.

It would never bother me for simple reason that the lady is with me.Not being arrogant but it really is about security here with me.; April 5, 2013 at 6:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Peter,
"Not being arrogant but it really is about security"

Absolutely. Any man this is secure with himself will automatically, in his head, be assured that he is the better man. And he'll do so without doubt. Self doubt will not exist in a secure man.

And regarding your friends being uncomfortable with you near/around their women, all that tells me is that they sense your masculinity versus their lack of masculinity. They feel insecure and as a result, overcompensate for that via blocking your attempts at conversation. For fear that the woman will be attracted to your masculinity.

Men sense male masculinity just as much as women do - they sense when it exists - and when it doesn't. And they react accordingly, LOL ;-); April 5, 2013 at 6:27 PM
Alana said...: @MOA

Thanks for the advice. Normally I'm not like this - but this guy is really growing on me and I just wish I didn't have to wait that long to see him! Your post made me realize there's nothing I can do about it though, short of suggesting the brunch date myself.

Thanks MOA!

-Alana; April 6, 2013 at 9:15 AM
Sam said...: Thanks Mirror, thanks Peter. ;); April 6, 2013 at 6:56 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms Mirror,

I knew you would be able to identify behavior in my last post.

You are 100% correct. Although Virgo's trip was from my saying he needed to come out here again before I went there, "because I want to see if (he) can be nice to me," it was ALL ABOUT VIRGO. Apparently he lost my intention on the flight.

I love a good man. I enjoy being with a good man. I love to admire a good man. And I feel privileged to be with a good man. But, and it's a big but, BUT when it is ALL ABOUT HIM, the enjoyment and admiration dissolves into work. And, to be honest, I work hard enough at work... when any relationship is one-sided, the effort becomes tiring instead of inspiring.

Virgo was blowing up my im's at work Friday again, and my cell today. On Friday I tried to explain to him that I would like to be friends if he can be. I explained that his behavior is for friends, not for a woman he respects, and I was ok with the friendship. The more I told him I was ok with it, the more he was freaking out.

He kept pushing and pushing, but I kept my cool and said I would like to be friends if he would.

Then he tried to strong-arm me and said, "Well I need more than a friend." (in all CAPS) And I think that was meant to scare me. But it didn't. Because he did not show me anything while he was here to make me want to give up my current life for him. (which I WAS willing to do 1-2 years ago -- before the two disappearing Poofs!)

I responded with a simple, "me too", logged off of work computer and left for home.

I went to a gf's grandson's basketball game Fri nite, so didn't respond to his two texts.

This AM we talked and he was like a new guy. No longer freaking out, and we didn't talk about his visit here. It was a friendly and respectful talk mostly about work.

Then tonight he leaves me a super sweet voicemail and mentioned "when you come out here."

I don't get his behavior. Is it denial or acceptance? I don't know. Is it that this man has no personal social skills, but can talk a great talk long distance?

Anyway, you were right, he expected to be taken care of when he was here, and he was. I was not... not one bit.

NOW (I honestly feel) I did, I am, and I hope I will continue to, take care of my SELF. And practice makes perfect! ;)

Hugs and thanks!; April 6, 2013 at 11:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA

X here,

I wonder if you can give me your good advice..

I have posted quite frequently on here, as you know disappearing man reappeared after 5 months. After 2 months of dating (and I did sleep with him) he just disappeared, I didn’t do emotions, I didn’t do needy.. didn’t do a thing. Didnt contact him (thanks to your good advice).. as much as I wanted to, and as hard as it was I held back.

But after 3and half months I felt I had the confidence to contact him again, and we exchanged a few friendly text, where he ended up saying if you need any help with jobs let me know.??. Then he contacted me after 5 months to meet up.

We had a date (of course he was after sex), and I am proud to say I declined the offer... The date was enjoyable and we chatted for hours, even after he said lets go back to yours and I said "no" (we continued chatting for two hours after).

I mentioned before on my posting that he didn’t apologise for disappearing and I didn’t ask as wanted to keep it light. Also he texted that hope you got home ok, and I replied yes, enjoyed the date, and hope to do it again, have a nice day etc. (which I wish I didn’t write that now). As feel I am being overly “nice”.. (whereas last year he would have replied, oh yes, I had a nice time too etc. have a lovely day) he doesn’t do that now.

The date was 3 weeks ago. I had a text from him after 9 days of the date.. I got the impression he was after meeting up again, as he said he was away part of the Easter but returning the Sunday night. Then he asked what I was doing but I was unavailable for 6 days (due to being away the Easter and longer).

I havent heard from him since. I get the impression he was trying to meet up.. by him telling me he was back a certain day from being away...he was trying to tell me of his availability.. but feel he wants me to do the "chase".. guess he is being insecure..

Understand he is only going to text to meet up (that is not a problem). I get the impression that he knows that I like him, for sure.. otherwise I wouldn’t have contacted him and also met him.

I also get the impression he is trying to manipulate me and making me feel insecure so that I will do anything to please him (I guess that means sex), but I am not going to go down that road. And also I get the impression he likes a girl to chase, and I don’t do that either (apart from when I did initiate the hello text after three and half months disappearance).

My question is how do I get it to “switch” that he is uncertain of me.

Also why is he wanting me to do the "chase".. he must know that I like him..whats the harm in him, saying fancing meeting up for a drink again?
Why do I feel I have to say it?? cos I feel thats what he wants me to do.

thanks X; April 7, 2013 at 6:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
He's in denial dear. Honestly, this man thinks he's a real catch. He doesn't see that his behavior and treatment of you does not align with the rock star that he perceives himself to be. He cannot accept the fact that you're not impressed. And this may have to do with the fact that twice in the past he's disappeared on you, and you issued him a 3rd chance. Somewhere deep inside of him, that 3rd chance is signaling to him that regardless of what you say, you can't pull away from him. That's what he's thinking, that's how he sees it and he doesn't grasp that you don't see it that way. He doesn't grasp that his behavior makes him unattractive.

It's clear to me that when he came down to see you, he felt as if YOU had to prove yourself to HIM, in order to convince him to stick around. It never occurred to this man that HE needed to impress YOU.

So now, what is happening is, he's in complete denial. He feels that this is just a "thing" you're going through and that soon, you'll be over it. Basically, he's not taking you seriously. And that troubles me, because he's treating you with indifference. He's ignoring everything you're attempting to work at here, he's not holding himself accountable for his own actions and he's not focusing on fulfilling your needs at all.

And if he's not doing that now dear, he's not going to do that at any time in the future.

He freaked out a bit over it, but then his ego kicked in and said, "Don't worry bud, she's into you. This is just a woman running her mouth right now. Stay cool and you'll see, she'll be back in no time so just let it go."

That's where his head is at right now.

But regardless of him, his outsized ego and his lack of masculinity with regards to his behavior in a relationship, YOU did indeed take care of yourself here and I'm very pleased with how you're handling yourself. It's a complete 360 from where you were when you first arrived here and you can now feel assured that you're in control of yourself and your happiness and you're in the drivers seat.

This man behaves as if you have no choice here. And I see this a lot - over confident men who don't realize that a woman has a choice. And modern women have this "choice" because. . . .they no longer "need" men. Yet it seems that something within male evolution hasn't caught up to that fact. They still bitch about having to pay for dinners, acting as if a woman NEEDS them and their money to buy some stupid dinner. They fail to realize that women don't need men for money or security or living circumstances anymore. So when a woman spends time with a man, it's completely 100% by CHOICE, it is no longer NEED that is driving the association. And much like your Virgo, modern men also fail to realize another fact about women - they are fine on their own. They don't NEED a man in their life and because of that, they now have the ability to CHOOSE whether or not to permit one into their lives. But you see, your Virgo, because he fails to realize several facts about modern women, his thinking is stemming from a place of "need" and he's oblivious to the fact that you have a "choice" here. So regardless of what comes out of your mouth, he's reminding himself that you "need" him - which simply isn't the case.

Cont. . .; April 7, 2013 at 9:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Attempting a relationship with this man, as you've already seen and as he's already proved, would be a TON of work for you. A TON. Do you need a ton of work? No. Do you even need to work on having a man in your life at all? No. Do you need to put up with hurtful barbs from a man? No. Do you need to spend your time and resources caring for a man? No. Would permitting this man into your life increase your happiness? No, I think not.

The things this man has to offer you and the energy he brings into your life are/is negative in nature, not positive. And all of this, he fails to see.

And it's this lack of "need" from modern women that should signal to modern men that they really need to bring their A Game to the plate when dealing with women. And I'm not talking loads of money, expensive meals, diamonds, furs, luxury vehicles and gigantic houses. I'm talking "A Game Basics" such as kindness, generosity, willingness, care, affection and attention. Basics. Most of which modern men simply lack the social skills to provide to a woman. Because let's face it, social skills are required in order to provide all of the above basics I've just referenced.

So now that you've made your choice about this man, begin putting some distance between the two of you. Put this guy on the "shelf" so-to-speak, meaning, he NO LONGER gets 100% access to your immediate attention (because it's also your attention that's signaling to this man that you're "into" him, regardless of his actions). Now it's time for YOU to speak via your ACTIONS to him. So if friendship is what you've decided here, shelf him.

You can still talk, occasionally. But he no longer deserves (nor has he earned) immediate access to you or 100% of your attention. You see, you need to make room for the next guy. The longer you remain focused on Virgo daily, the longer it will take you to make room for the next guy. So you need to shelf Virgo to open up some space for a new man to step into. I mean, you don't want to be dating some other man and having Virgo expecting to be able to access you daily - interrupting your time spent with a new man, ya' know?

So start to put some space there. Start to reduce conversations via IM to maybe every other day or just a short blip in the morning and that's it. No more morning, afternoon and evening convos. And don't speak on the phone daily anymore. Reduce that to maybe once or twice a week and for short periods of time, maybe 15 minutes or so.

Because you don't want to end up stuck in his world and distracted from any new possibilities. And I guarantee you that once he sees this, suddenly it'll finally sink in that he's failed you, disappointed you, failed to prove himself to you as a man that was willing to make you happy when need be.

And this realization of his will be a day late and a dollar short.; April 7, 2013 at 9:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @X,
"but feel he wants me to do the "chase"."

Well dear, this is why I do not recommend initiating contact with a man during the dating phase. Once you do that, you're dead in the water and you're tied to being the one that's expected to do that from that day forward. Because what a man starts to think is this:

"If she wants me, she knows where to find me. And she obviously wants me, so she needs to come get me."

They start thinking (and acting) like women, LOL. They start behaving feminine (passive, submissive) and they expect you to become masculine (take the lead). It's really warped and it's only modern men that think and act in this manner. The fail to realize what it signals to a woman about their masculinity. "Old school" generations of men would NEVER, and I mean NEVER, let themselves be perceived in this manner - EVER - as they are wise enough to realize that their masculinity would then be in question with the woman.

"My question is how do I get it to “switch” that he is uncertain of me."

I'm not sure you can dear. Because once this concept takes hold in a man, they simply seem unable to shake it. They remain passive and submissive about dating you. And you initiating this has solidified that type of thinking for him, it has validated it in a way for him. He's thinking, "See, I knew she wanted me." And so that's the stance he's taken.

"Also why is he wanting me to do the "chase".. he must know that I like him..whats the harm in him, saying fancing meeting up for a drink again? Why do I feel I have to say it??"

Well, this is a new epidemic that I've seen blossom from modern day dating. I actually just wrote a post about it yesterday. You can find the concept shared in the section of the post below titled, "Dating Success and the Evocation of Positive Feelings" and the section that follows that titled, "Accountability in Dating When Evoking Emotions."

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/04/dating-tips-persuasion-influence.html

After you read those two sections, it will become more clear to you the damage that this type of invitation to "chase" from a man can really do. And why, as a woman, you should not fall prey to those types of invitations from men.; April 7, 2013 at 9:57 AM
Anonymous said...: @X
I agree with MoA about initiating, absolutely spot on! I ONCE initiated with one man, only one single time, and what happened? Yes, he was interested, but he took me for granted all the time we were together. He was certain right from the start I was interested so why would he have bothered? Eventually I had to dump him as I had no other choice. He was dumbstruck, he didn´t understand, but it was too late, I´d had enough of him.
I still think though that a mature man wouldn´t mind it, perhaps even appreciate it, but an average man with a big silly ego will always take advantage of this situation to the woman´s detriment.:-(; April 7, 2013 at 11:29 AM
chk61 said...: So glad I read Mirror's response to both X and Gemini50. Last night I chose to stay in and rest, and cooked some dinner, opened some wine. After two glasses of wine I found myself composing an email to my disappearing man. Thankfully I had the good sense to put it in the draft folder and *not* send it. And this morning I will go in and delete it!

Because we know what would have happened if I had sent it. He gets a big ego boost, smiles to himself "yep, I knew she'd be back - she still wants me". Most likely he'd respond back and maybe he'd even suggest we get together. And being in the current lonely injured state I'm in, I might just throw caution to the wind and accept. If so, I would probably find myself in the same place that "X" is in, having contacted her disappearing man 3.5 months later. We'd both essentially be putting ourselves at the feet of men who didn't want us and who will never respect/value/cherish us, women who despite being disappeared on, would willingly go back for more bad treatment.

The only way we have a chance of these guys respecting/valuing/cherishing US is putting THEM to the test...if they reappear, we don't let them back in easily. Why? Because we had enough time apart to realize our worth and what we have to offer. We KNOW we were kind, perhaps overly kind and giving, to these men. We KNOW how it felt to be with them, and perhaps we got emotionally involved before they did. They KNOW they chose to disappear and in turn, they possibly gave up the chance to see or speak to us kind, giving, loving, beautiful women EVER again. THEY knew the risk and decided to take that chance. WHY on earth would we decide to reward bad behavior? It doesn't work with dogs and it doesn't work with MEN.

If I contacted him, ugh, especially on a Saturday night, he gets immediate information that: a) there is no other man on the scene b) she still wants me c) she still wants me after I blew her off twice. d) she may even have sex with me (we came close but never actually did - phew!) Even though he may be pleasantly surprised to hear from me (emphasis on "may") subconsciously he may be thinking: "wow, she is desperate." This is not appealing or alluring.

I did pursue him in the beginning online since I had no photos posted on the online dating site (I sent photos to him) as I can't deal with the lack of privacy. I made the first contact and offered him to see my photos. So maybe that set up this dynamic that led him to value me less than a woman he had to "win over". He did not have to compete with all the other men on the dating site, since I have no photo I get few responses (and yes, this is my choice....maybe I'll have to relent and post a photo).

Once we met in person, I did not pursue him...he did all the initiating and I "mirrored" him. That is, alas, until he started to pull away after date 4. In retrospect, I should have let him go but I "tapped" him a week later and we ended up having date 5. Date 5 - really fun date. The END.

Anyway, I like Mirror's idea of opening up space for a new, better man to make his way into my life. What is the point of allowing the disappearing man back? If he wants back, HE has to contact ME and prove himSELF...not the other way around!

And I'm still sending him benevolent thoughts while I let him go rather than anger or feeling the need for revenge. He did the best he could with what he had. Clearly he's not emotionally advanced enough to gently tell me he was not ready for a relationship and he chose to disappear. It is what it is!

60 days next week of full No Contact. Phew, it can be done and hopefully I'll stop counting...; April 7, 2013 at 11:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
I can tell from your words and your thought process that you're getting much stronger compared to when you first arrived here.

That should make you feel very proud dear. Because once a woman starts to align her thinking properly, in a structured way that keeps her in self protection mode until a man proves himself worthy - then from that point forward, you find that you permit less and less pain into your life at the hands of immature, self centered, selfish types of men.

And only gentlemen receive your attention.

And then you also soon come to realize, and feel peace of mind, over the fact that these types of men - they generate their own karma through their negative behavior and treatment of others.

And we all know that karma is . . . a bitch ;-)

And then they eventually become part of what I call the "shoulda, woulda, coulda club." Most times, membership to this club requires ownership of a recliner - it's the think tank mechanism for the coulda, woulda, shoulda club, LOL.

The second half of membership to this club includes alcohol. It's a "sit, drink, think" club.

They park their butts into the recliner, start to drink and start to think (finally), "I coulda, If I just woulda, I really shoulda" - when they find themselves much older and alone and begin to wonder why.

Trust me, gals. I've seen it. I know at least a half dozen men in the coulda, woulda, shoulda club as we speak, LOL.

One of them passed out in the recliner, had a fuzzy blanket up under his chin, was mostly likely "fly catching" while passed out with his mouth hanging open. . .and sucked a fuzz ball right off of the blanket and into the back of his throat, where it got stuck.

He woke up thinking he was dying, gasping for breath and couldn't breath.

Yep, karma. She's a real bitch and she'll take you during sleep if she wants to. . .death by fuzz ball ;-); April 7, 2013 at 12:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, Gemini 50, chk61 and everybody else here!

I love Mirror´s response to chk61 about the club - it´s absolutely hilarious!

I´ve been reading your posts and I am sorry to feel that you are still quite sad about your men. I have already written here how I started dating immediately after dumping the player. And although it hasn´t brought any results I would be happy about, at least I´ve been out, I´ve met some new people and detached myself from the man. It´s been several weeks since our break-up and I´ve actually almost forgotten him. Dating new men really does work so maybe it would be worth trying even though you´d have you force yourselves to go out. Because you can´t lose anything and you can do NC and think about your men when alone at home anyway. But your eyes will open and you´ll realise they are not the only men in the world. There are many other jerks there so why focus solely on one? (This was supposed to be a joke!(

I wish you all the best!
HopefulWithMen; April 7, 2013 at 12:57 PM
Anonymous said...: X here @ MOA and chk61.
Thanks MOA for as always a "reality check" response.. I have read dating-tips-persuasion-influence blog.. I soooo wish men would behave like Gentlemen nowadays. It has cetainly got worse since the invention of the mobile phone.. whereupon they are lazy with texting, or even "booty calls"... I wish we could go back to the 1950s..?

Maybe if I was free over Easter and last week, he may have asked for a date.. but its all up in the air now.. anyhow.. I will try and resist and apply NC.

chk61... Keep up the goodwork 60 days NC... hang on in there.. soon you will forget to count the days... I stopped counting after 12 weeks.. and as you know I contacted him after 3and half months.. after that he contacted me 1 half months later (5 months after the dissappearing act in all).. I had completely forgotten about him by then ~(as is always the case)... As you know I had a date with him, now he is back on my mind (unfortunately).

I would have loved to join you for a glass of wine Saturday night and discuss the epidemic of disappearing/reappearing inmature men :-)X; April 7, 2013 at 3:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
I met a man online 3 weeks ago who seems to have all qualities I want. We're both in our 30's. Just as you stated, he pursued me via email and text and phone, no holds barred, while I acted cool and relaxed. We had a short date, no sex. Then there was no more pursuit on his end. However we both evenly initiated some texting a few days afterwards. Not intensely like before. Now he's not been in touch for a few days. How does a woman tell the difference between a man who lost interest vs. a man who is just being casual and friendly and will reinitiate again later. And if he gets in touch, should I act cool and relaxed like at the very beginning, or tell him I am glad to hear from him? I really, really like him a lot, and am very attracted to him.; April 7, 2013 at 5:38 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Thanks again Ms. Mirror,

Virgo called this morning; he talked and talked and talked...

I think I did an excellent job of respectfully explaining my "choice" to be with a man who treats me with respect -- always. In fact, I was probably too accommodating to his angst, but I have known enough emotional pain in my life that I try like hell not to have any part of causing it for others.

Anyway, it's sad. I feel bad for him. I think it has finally dawned on him that HE was being observed by ME. And this morning he was all over the map trying (what seemed to me) to get his comfort level back with me.

It's sad because Virgo is a real good guy, and part of his talking today included his needing to understand and learn how to treat me respectfully. He even mentioned "changing him." I declined. I learned in my early 20's that you can't and shouldn't try to change someone. If people want to change, they need to do it on their own initiative, not directed by someone else's needs.

I will do as you suggest in creating space... he's already text me this afternoon and left a voicemail message telling me how special I am. I have not responded.

I did not POOF on him... he is not left wondering what happened or why. I care about him still -- as I've said before, he was/is a great father to his (now adult) children, he served his country honorably in AF reserve career, is a hard worker who does his best for his employees, and he's been a good friend.

If he knew how to treat a woman, he would be a very handsome catch -- not alone and lonely in his recliner drinking his emptiness away. :(; April 7, 2013 at 7:45 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello all :)

Happy Sunday evening, firstly....

I am glad to see Gemini50 back. I missed you, lady! And was hoping the days spent with the virgo were happy. It seems like there was happy in them, but also some "growth opportunities" for you both. Your situation reminds me SO much of my entanglement with my ex-husband, an alcoholic. (If I recall, did you once write that the virgo is alcoholic as well?). When he was not sober, in body or in mind, he was the most self-entitled, self-centered, self EVERYTHING ignoramus on earth. Everything revolved around HIM. any nice gesture I made towards him, he'd magnify it as being entitled. I fed the king baby, as the alcoholic is referred to, and made his ego ginormous. It was when I stopped focusing on HIM, and turned the spot light of care onto myself, when I left him, that I starved his ego and it POPPED. There he found that I would no longer be his emotional servant and always be there for him.

The reason I share this is I'm wondering if all the care you showed him on this visit may have "fed" his ego. The nice gift, egg hunt, cigars etc. Those loving gestures to another type of man may be totally acceptable but to the man who has continually run you through he mill, with a huge ego may have viewed it that you wanted it to be all about him. The grand ego. They say in AA that an alcoholic is "an egomaniac with an inferiority complex".

Just giving you food for thought. I totally agree with MOA about your course of action. It's time to starve the baby so he can learn to appreciate the meal. He will only do so if he is forced to cook his own.

Hugs, my friend :); April 7, 2013 at 8:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA, lovingme, here. I made a boo-boo & I would like you to advise please. I've been doing so good at the NC with my ex. Not answering his calls/texts, even when he called me from a different # I didn't give in to him & hung up.

I was 25 days in & I cracked. :( I came in after being out with some girlfriends at 2a.m. & I drunk dialed him. Yes, I was pretty lit! Blame it on the alcohol because if I was sober I would have never went there period. I was thinking about him & I was feeling pretty lonely so I just said to hell with it...I'll finally respond back.

So I say something like let's go out next week...am I nuts or what!!!! He agreed too, very calm & collective. With our relationship I was never the pursuer. He'd always initiate contact with me calling & texting so I surprised myself with being so bold. I hung up regretting that call. *sigh* wth am I going to do because a part of me wants to see him & another part of me doesn't want to be bothered.

I'm not contacting him to find out either. I can't believe I called him up at 2a.m. when I had a fit when he did it, AND THIS IS SOMETHING WE'VE NEVER DONE!!!! I have never called him in the wee hours & neither has he, until we broke up last summer. I have no idea what he could be possibly thinking about that call. I'm anxious, scared, excited...I really don't know how to feel. Maybe I can pretend it didn't happen & don't respond if he calls? *sigh* IDK...please advise. Thank you.; April 7, 2013 at 9:39 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello CHK61.

Yes indeeedy you are sounding well!! Your attitude of sending him love and light IS the solution to forgiveness and freedom from resentment. Today I was entertaining more resentful thoughts about the sag and then it HIT me. Start praying for him. Boom, solution! Prayer and forgiving thoughts for the ones who've hurt me instantly remove the resentment and anger. Thank God!

Some interesting things, at least to me, have gone on lately. I subscribe to an email tracking service which sends me emails when an email I've sent has been read. Tells me date, time,location, type of machine its read on (PC, cell phone etc). I use this only on the emails I send to "interesting" people ie: men, business etc.

Several days ago I got one saying Sag had "re-opened" an old email from Jan 2, 2013. It was a surprise to say the least. It was an email with a mapquest instructions to my home! Sent to him prior to our second date since we live 100 miles apart. Why open THIS particular email when there were a few emails more worthy? LOL. then...next evening, ANOTHER notification that he'd read yet another email. This time was an older email that WAS emotion driven between us. I have no idea what it means, but that's the only thing I've "heard" from him in 2 months. BTW, chk61, I've forgotten exactly how long Ive been NC...I dont count at all!! yay! I just know I sent that one text on NC day 29 when the pope was elected. It was a Wednesday and I think it's been almost a month. It's nice that although I STILL think of him, and still feel for him, I don't count days and I don't obsess. It's just a listless wondering.

Anyhow, today I had a first meeting, not quite a date, but a meeting of "aries #3 I call him. He's the 3rd aries I've attracted this year. LOL. He has a lot of pisces so he is a toned down, passive aries. Thank God! I've been using my new man-sight (That's insight about men) on him. I don't call or initiate texts. I mirror him. And so far, he's very consistent and dutiful in communicating. He was quite unstimulating to me and frankly, I was bored. But I decided to take the advice of my very close male pisces friend and give the dude a chance to meet. I was totally expecting him to be a drip, but surprisingly I was wrong :)

I ended up hanging out with him for almost 2 hours. I felt very comfortable, and since I had NO expectations and really didn't give a shat, I didn't gussy myself up, kept it simple and didn't even fuss over make-up. and ya know what? He seems to dig me :) He texted me up a storm after we parted saying he enjoyed meeting me and hoped I felt the same, and that I was prettier that my photos :) Awwwwww. He is shy and unsure of himself and at times suggest I can call him "if I want to". Which I doubt it's him being lazy, just not wanting to bother me. That's his insecurity showing. Of course, I don't call ;) I'm teaching him that he has to be a GENTLEMAN and pick up the phone himself. The one thing I don't like, or just not accustomed to is the lack of strong chemistry. That was one thing with sag that was UNDENIABLE. :( I miss it. Even though I know it can be a burden because it can blind a person. But dang...fire feels good. :/

So anyhow, that's whats happening. Moving forward, one tiny step at a time. This man will be a friend FIRST. Slow, like a turtle. Then who knows, we may move into the bunny rabbit category~~!! But NO putting out till commitment ;); April 7, 2013 at 10:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 7, 5:38 PM,
"How does a woman tell the difference between a man who lost interest vs. a man who is just being casual and friendly and will initiate again later."

The man who has lost interest does not reappear. The man that is being casual and friendly will. Time is needed dear.

"And if he gets in touch, should I act cool and relaxed like at the very beginning, or tell him I am glad to hear from him?"

You remain cool, calm and collected. You've only had one date. If you start talking "emotions" after one date, you'll scare him off and he'll be gone for good. (To men, talk too soon that signals "emotions" translates as "she wants a relationship already - run" to them.)

"I really, really like him a lot"

It's way too soon to be signaling that to him. If you do, he's going to run off. One date is too soon for men to be thinking anything about emotions and if they get a whiff that the woman is, they'll assume she wants a relationship immediately and they'll leave.; April 8, 2013 at 8:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @lovingme,
Well you've created quite the conundrum here, LOL. Because you don't want to signal emotional instability to this man in any way.

I think the best you can do right now is to refrain from contacting him again and if he contacts you, don't jump on that call immediately. Wait 24 hours to return it.; April 8, 2013 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Mirror for advice about remaining cool and relaxed whenever he chooses to reconnect with me. I've never told him I like him so much. But I don't want my feelings/attraction for him cause me to make a mistake.

For instance... Did I make a mistake by going along with sexual texting/chat a couple of times? It was incredibly fun. This is after I felt I knew him well enough. I was already very attracted to his mind. We sent no graphic pictures and used no obvious/graphic words. But the conversation was arousing and sexual in nature. Did he already place me in a non-relationship category?

Is it possible for a relationship to develop at some point even if a smart woman participated in this sort of texting?

-newforme; April 8, 2013 at 9:43 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks MOA. That was actually what I was thinking to do. The LAST thing I want to do is present myself as emotionally needy, so yes. I will do just that. I just had a weak moment. I can't lose my focus!

Lovingme; April 8, 2013 at 1:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

What do you do with men who are a little on the "sensitive" side? For instance I met a guy online and he seems to be a big teddy bear. On his profile, under the most private thing you will admit he said he isn't confident in his self. Anyway, I followed what you wrote and made sure that I didn't call first though he gave me his number first. I gave him mine and he hmu. After two days of talking (him initiating)- I haven't heard from him for two days. Though he is the sensitive type- he is still a man lol. What should I do? Contact or not?; April 8, 2013 at 4:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous,
No dear, it's never a good idea to "chase" a man. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not is to see if he pursues her.

This piece was written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; April 8, 2013 at 5:06 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Lady Leo,

Great to hear your successes lady! You Zero'd in on something w/Virgo -- alcohol. I'm trying to put space between us so won't get into it here, but wanted to let you know I think you are on target. Good stuff for me to think about re: MY behavior. :) Silly men mistake my kindness for weakness... silly, silly men.

That email tracking service is a hoot! I was chuckling at how resourceful we women are at taking care of ourselves when we put our minds to it... hmm

@Ms. Mirror,

Virgo is acting like I've never seen. Texting me again last night (I didn't respond), im'ing me at work this morning asking me vague questions about what I want. I responded I was not a mind reader, and if he wanted an answer to a question he needed to be clear. And finally I just let my fingers type my thoughts and told him AGAIN how I expect to be treated by a man. Then I end it with "Phew, I feel better.

He responds, 'Wow, I feel depressed." (I didn't see the humor in that until reading it here now.)

Me - no answer.

Get this, so then he writes: "I see. I have to spend more time with you to prove my worth." And I get home and there's a message on my voicemail, "Hi honey, blaa, blaa, blaa."

Honey??? WTF?

I think this is that TON OF WORK you mentioned.

I also think I'm almost ready to date! ;); April 8, 2013 at 8:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
See what I mean about many men forcing women to walk away - just to get them to think, LOL?

It's the strangest thing, but men like this DO NOT think while they are WITH you. It only occurs to them to start firing up the brain cells AFTER the fact. These types are their own worst enemies and honestly, it tells me a lot. And the one thing about men like this that just screams at me is:

They've gotten away with murder.

They've never been on the other side of the fence. It never occurs to them that they're being observed, that a woman has a choice, that a woman doesn't need their money - and that a woman really doesn't need them - period. And as a result of this new modern lack of "need" in the female species, a woman is actually liberated and is free to CHOOSE.

This tells me that he's dated a lot of women that have tolerated his poor treatment. Because NONE of this has ever occurred to him before and he's having trouble making sense of it.

Which is why he feels depressed, LOL.

I not laughing at him, but I am laughing at the fact that there are grown men have gotten away with murder with women all their life. Which is exactly why twice in the past, this man has "poofed" and disappeared on you. It's because that's what he does, he focuses on himself, not the woman in his life.

But now, maybe for the first time, he's being forced to think about someone other than himself - because the woman's behavior is a direct reflection of himself (of him as a man).

And to be brutally honest with him dear, next time he pokes around, you might want to point out to him (in a casual way not a hurtful way) that the third time around. . .he shouldn't HAVE TO ASK what you want.

If he hasn't taken notice or invested the time to get to know you by now, that's his fault and it speaks to his character as a man. You're not required to provide him with a manual, he should be using his "man skills" to pick up on these things during his time spent with you and by LISTENING to you when you speak. By watching what makes you smile and by vibing off of the times you radiate positive energy.

As a new male community member has said in a post here recently:

"The knee jerk male reaction is to dismiss what a woman says as so much yik-yak. But I am surprised (and sometimes astonished) at how much a woman will tell you, even on a first date.

Now granted, I'm not a predator, and I think I inspire trust, but good heavens. She gives you a road-map of likes, dislikes, experiences good and bad, how she "sees" things, and (frankly) the all-important Red Flags, if any. And unless you are an inert dolt, her body language, tone and diction is a constant stream of information about how she perceives YOU.

Now, if all you want is to bed her, I suppose this information is irrelevant, though a real predator will use it to ingratiate himself. Unfortunately.

But if you like women (which I do), they are very, very interesting to listen to. And that's how you learn about them. But I guess that's too much trouble."

So true. And all this tells me from his behavior is that he's done NONE of that :-( In which case, I think you've made a very good decision for yourself here with him because you deserve better.

And this made me chuckle:

"I see. I have to spend more time with you to prove my worth."

He's just figuring this out, LOL?? As a grown man, that knowledge should be a God given natural instinct. Men "prove" themselves every day to others and themselves via competitive sports, competitive work environments, competing with each other for hierarchy in their social circles, etc. Yet when it comes to women, it never occurs to many of them that she too may be interested in knowing what her man is made of. Go figure, LOL.

"Honey??? WTF?"

This is just the tip of the iceberg dear. Hang on tight. . .you're in for a real ride here, LOL ;-); April 8, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror I am sorry for reposting, I don't know if you saw my second question... I hope you don't mind answering:

Did I make a mistake by going along with sexual texting/chat a couple of times? It was incredibly fun. This is after I felt I knew him well enough. I was already very attracted to his mind. We sent no graphic pictures and used no obvious/graphic words. But the conversation was arousing and sexual in nature. Did he already place me in a non-relationship category?

Is it possible for a relationship to develop at some point even if a smart woman participated in this sort of texting a couple of times? (there were many other covos about regular things and getting to know each other)

PS I've been in NO CONTACT with him so far 5 days, still hard, waiting for him to reach out first!!

-newforme; April 8, 2013 at 9:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @NewForMe,
"Did I make a mistake by going along with sexual texting/chat a couple of times?"

Yes dear, I believe you did :-( Men test women very early on and if you prove that you're the type of woman that entertains that type of talk and behavior early on with a man, then that man tends to assume that this is how you behave with ALL men. As a result, they don't feel the woman is special. I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you and I was hoping to avoid even having to answer this question :-(

"It was incredibly fun. This is after I felt I knew him well enough."

I realize it's fun to do what we want dear and you're free to do so, but what you need to realize is - there are consequences for our behavior in life. It's not worth the risk, it's much safer (and garners more respect) to take the high road.

Additionally, a man doesn't feel you know him well after a handful of dates. Because even he himself knows that he's putting on heirs during his initial time with you - meaning, he's pretending to be something he's not in order to project a certain image, an illusion, of who he is as a man. And when a woman falls hook, line and sinker for that illusion, the man thinks, "Ah ha! Gotcha." Meaning, he now has your number. And he's going to slap a label onto you and place you in the appropriate box - flirt, drunk, easy girl, party girl, marrying type - and it happens in the blink of an eye. Men make snap judgments about women in the blink of an eye. Which is why a woman's behavior in the very early days of dating directly affects and almost entirely dictates the way the entire relationship will play out.

He knew you felt you knew him. But he also knew you didn't know enough about him to REALLY know him - yet you went "there" with him. So he thinks, "Gee, if she'll do this with me, she'll do this with anybody."

And you don't really need me to verify this for you dear because - deep down, you're questioning it because you ALREADY know this:

"Did he already place me in a non-relationship category?"

"Is it possible for a relationship to develop at some point even if a smart woman participated in this sort of texting a couple of times?"

That depends on the man sweetie. Immature versus mature and understanding.; April 8, 2013 at 10:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror (and everyone!)

So my disappearing man has 100% moved onto someone else. The fact I've heard on the grapevine that he seems to be treating her well has been making it a bit harder for me to dismiss him as a player, leading some of those 'maybe it was me' thoughts to sneak back in, but oh well. At least no more wondering about where he went to!

But I am back on the online dating scene, and this has raised a few more general questions I'd love to get people's perspectives on. I will preface all of these questions with the acknowledgment that I am not the most emotionally expressive person going around even at the best of times, so I perhaps don't move as quickly as other people in that regard. But:

1. How soon is too soon to be using x's and o's in email/text communication with a person? One guy who I've been conversing with online cracked them out after about four emails. I've also had them come out at a similar point in the past, and with The Disappearing Man after less than a week of text chat (but admittedly, he wasn't a stranger, it was Xmas, and we had done some awesomely close Xmas party dancing lol).

In all cases, I've kind of thought 'oh, I guess that's nice...', and it is a bit exciting, but part of me is also a bit skeptical/on alert since I tend to reserve these things for people I know really well. Is it just me, or are these men going in 'too soon'? And my new (reformed) approach is to not reciprocate until I genuinely feel comfortable - good plan?

The following are (thankfully!) not relevant to my current situation, but are along similar lines.

2. How soon is too soon for pet names? 'Love', 'sweetheart', 'honey'. Let's be honest, I can't stand them any time, but surely if you must use them you can wait a bit!

And lastly (yeah, this one is less about me and more about my annoying Facebook friends :P)

3. How soon is too soon to be publicly posting loving/gushing messages about each other and your budding romance on your respective Facebook walls? I think my answer is actually pretty close to 'never', but I'm not sure if that's just the naive perspective of someone who's never been giddy in love. Like PDAs, I guess it feels like these things are for the benefit of publicity and boosting the ego rather than a genuine expression of real feelings, especially early on in dating or a relationship. Or is that too cynical?

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on these, because at the moment I feel like, if there is such a thing as 'too soon', these could all be more red flags for players and insecure men. Alternatively, I'm just a cold, cold woman who needs to loosen up a bit ;)

@ac11 (formerly one of the many anons!); April 9, 2013 at 4:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey ladies; Do you know of any online dating websites that you have had some luck with?; April 9, 2013 at 5:54 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello all:

Interesting the kind of guy the universe has sent me in this new aries man. He is the complete opposite the sag man. But both seem insecure, it's just manifesting in a different way. Where the sag man was over confident, acting like he had his shit under control, this Aries seems like a "sad sack" so to speak. He has no "game" as they say. He doesn't banter with me, hardly jokes, lacks playfulness. He asks often "How am I doing?" as in "Am I making a good impression on you"?

At 47, he tells me he's had lone long term relationship of 7 years which just ended 6 months ago. He seems overly into me, but seems it wouldn't matter who the woman is, as long as she was into him, he'd like her. In short, he reminds me of ME. The old me, of years ago. If ANY man liked me, I'd like him back. Cus I had no "self" so my standards were pretty low.

I'm not real into him so I need to be cautious to not hurt him. I just find it so interesting that the universe has sent the polar opposite man to me.

There must be a lesson here, no?; April 10, 2013 at 7:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
This is a universal lesson coming your way and you won't realize what the lesson was/is until you go through the motions required to receive it. But I imagine it may be something along the lines of reinforcing the importance of "self."

There's also a chance that it's your turn to give back - to help this man in a sense. Maybe to restore some of his confidence, maybe to provide a ear to listen or maybe to see first hand how damaging negative thoughts and behavior can be. It won't be clear for some time to come.

Either way, as you've stated, be very conscious of not hurting this man and do not attempt to mother him in any way. Observe and listen. That's really all your required to do at this point.

I imagine that truly, he is a nice guy and probably a "good" guy. Regretfully, he's letting his insecurities show at the moment which will interfere with your impression of him. But something tells me that this is not truly who he is as a man - however, this is the man he happens to be at this moment in time.

You never know dear. If you're able to look past his insecurity at the moment, he may be a diamond in the rough here. But that will depend on whether or not he begins to act on his insecurities in a damaging way, such as pulling pranks, over compensating, gunning for reactions and lashing out in subtle ways.

Either way, I think the universe has a purpose for bringing this man into your life at this time. So if I were you, I'd stick around to see what the purpose is. This is very unusual behavior for an Aries. And it may be that in time, his lighter more confident and positive qualities can rise to the surface.

But only time will tell.; April 10, 2013 at 8:01 AM
chk61 said...: Been fighting urges to "tap" my disappearing man....60 days full no contact tomorrow. I do hope to stop counting and I know I will. It's just a matter of time. I have nothing else going on and am somehow romanticizing him. And even worse, making excuses for him! I keep seeing him online on these dating websites (and no, he cannot see me). So obviously, he's not "in love" - he's still out there trolling.

Fear not, I'm staying strong...unless Mirror thinks "tapping" is a good idea. :-); April 10, 2013 at 9:13 PM
Anonymous said...: im am so glad i found these articles they are amazing.... so i also find myself a victim of a douche
i met this guy 4 months ago i knew in my mind all along that we wouldnt go anywhere he made last minute plans, was flaky but i pulled him up on it and he changed but i was always making the plans, if we went out we always paid half each. Ended up seeing each other 2-3 times a week... spending weekends with his friends or staying over at mine.... and would message every day

he was due to go away for a few weeks at the beginning of the month and our 'relationship' had never been discussed we never bought up emotions or what we were... yet a few days before he goes he invites me over to meet the parents and he met my friends and was all over me

so i was left totally confused, i end up messaging asking what his thoughts were etc and he ends up being really defensive and saying you know i like you but i cant offer you what you want im very closed person you know this bla bla... which is the response i expected yet when we are together its like we are in a relationship

so i spoke to him that weekend about how it was going (visiting family) said would call me back and then i heard nothing for three days (longest we have gone with no contact in my eyes as soon as he was back with friends and family he had dropped me)

so i made no contact at all and read your article on the second day... day three he instant messages me... i ignore and throughtout the day i get 4 more messages asking am i annoyed with him and 2 phone calls... i eventually speak to him the next day and its normal conversation (neither of us as usual bring it up) so later that evening i message him and say i was disappointed etc as more than anything i thought we could have been friends.... i get a very defensive reply back trying to turn it on me

so i decide i have had enough and send a message saying that i had missed the contact and thought we could be friends but i think i may be wrong, i now need space and then see what happens, no need to reply and i will be in contact.

and that is it... he didnt reply of course and i am back to no contact again

thing is i know while typing this it is screaming red flags and he goes away for a few months to another country in a couple of weeks (im meant to drop him to airport) its just his actions speak alot louder than his words... when together he is caring etc and very like in a relationship but it has never ever been bought up

advise/thoughts please; April 11, 2013 at 5:50 AM
Bronzd said...: @chk61
lol I can hear MOA now, let the man come to you. That's the only way you'll know if he's interested. I've had this situation where I met 2 guys online and followed the rules and broke a few :/ and we talked a few days. Both guys haven't contacted me but have me on facebook. I have deleted my online profile because there wasn't much on that site except (for my preference of man) these two. Both have been back online and I haven't contacted them. I'm not really counting because I don''t truly care about either one of them. No contact shows you everything you need to know about a man before you invest. I mean if I'm not on your mind at all for a few days then I don't want you. I dont expect to be contacted every day but going past 2-3 days is too much when you truly like someone.
As with the original guy I was dating who hasn't made contact in 4 months, I've given up. I know he is still looking but he is confused himself on what he wants. On one hand he wants to be single and free and on the other he wants to find that special girl (to be his psycho gf) and meet his psycho family and live a psycho life lol. A woman that could handle an immature Gemini will have to be crazy her damn self. but there is someone for everyone. I hope he finds her. I can put up with a lot but I find the older I get the less crap I take off men. It doesn't take much for me to disappear. In your case, tapping would prove his hold on you and that you still think of him. I read on the PUA forum (I listed months ago) where a guy says if he isn't getting what he wants from the girl within (whatever time span he gives) then he freezes her out. Which means that he'll talk to his other options while ignoring you which will give time to long for him. By the time he comes back (most do for some reason) they expect you to give them what they want because you are happy they are back.The longer they are gone is usually for the more touch the woman is. Plus they have time to have sex with other women in that time while breaking you down. I think that is the reason MOST of these men keep our number in their phone (regardless if we haven't spoken in ages). If you text them they know exactly who you are. If I'm done with someone, I would remove them from my phone.; April 11, 2013 at 12:29 PM
Madame X said...: Holding on to anything is like holding on to your breath. You will suffocate. The only way to get anything in the physical universe is by letting go of it. Let go & it will be yours forever.

~ Deepak Chopra; April 11, 2013 at 1:21 PM
VirgoPal said...: Yeah, never contact a man especially if he disappeared on you. I have a new rule about dating. If someone doesn't contact me within two weeks of a date or meeting, I will move on period! Because that just shows they are not interested enough, and I am probably wasting my time.

Bronzd- you made a great point. No contact helps you take a step back and look at the entire picture. We both mentioned it in our previous post about our insecure men. You will laugh at yourself in a while and think " what the heck was I thinking."

chk61- The reality I think with your loser is that he probably is not really the man you think he is. He was a phoney in sheep's clothing, and sadly you bought it. Heck, most of us were fooled by the men we interacted with. I think once you reconcile it, it would be easier to move on. I think the hardest part is realizing the person we wanted didn't actually exist.; April 11, 2013 at 5:25 PM
chk61 said...: @Bronzd: You are absolutely right and I'm sure MOA would agree! Although I have seen her mention this "tapping" technique but in my situation, I do not think that would be wise.

Oh this guy has definitely read up on the PUA stuff, on our first meeting he even told me his "life coach" had advised him to read one of the seminal PUA books as a homework assignment! If that wasn't a red flag, I'm not sure what is...but at the time, I just thought it was hilarious that he, a 45 year old divorced father of two, with advanced degrees and an impressive pedigree, was telling me this on our first meeting. I know, I know, degrees and social status don't mean much when it comes to basic CHARACTER.

So yeah, it was a just a moment of weakness the other night when I thought about "tapping" him. I had a glass of wine and was remembering the short lived excitement of a new romance with a man who, albeit his obvious insecurity, seemed promising. It happens so infrequently for me...sigh. And yes, if I contact him, it just gives him an ego boost and certainly will not make me more attractive. I doubt I'll hear from him but I know the only way I could possibly intrigue him is to remain unavailable and mysterious = No Contact.

I feel pretty certain in my gut that contacting him would not go well,and I would regret sticking my neck out. It's NOT worth it.

@Madame X - I am letting him go, with warmth and love, not angry or vengeful thoughts....wishing him well as I would any human being.; April 11, 2013 at 5:39 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror, LadyLeo and Chk61,

Keep strong Chk61. You deserve more than what this man has offered. It will get easier for you. (just a note: when I was looking at activity on dating sites, FB, etc., it set me back. No value at all.)

Ms. Mirror, I loved your grace for LadyL w/the new Aries. Your comment regarding karma is right on – just a challenge to balance your needs over being kind to another. For me, at least, it is where I have, in the past, given up my “self.”

Good luck with Aries, LadyL. (sending good thoughts)

Update w/my Virgo and Scorpio:

I’m sticking to my guns w/Virgo. I’m slowly creating space and up until last night, he kept chasing for attn. He keeps saying he wants to "move on," that he’s changing and learning from me, etc., but 2 nites ago, referring to my expectations, he said “if the mountain is too high, people won’t attempt it,” and I again explained that his actions have not matched his words. He told me not to say that as a plural.

I ended the conversation politely, but I was pissed, and my anger didn’t go away. Although I told myself not to, I called him back 3x, but he had shut off his phone. Although I told myself not to, I texted him: “Tried calling u several times. Got voicemail. / I am pissed. You aren’t changing. You continue to not listen to me. / I FEEL as though your words have not matched your actions and you tell me not to say it as a plural? / WTF is that telling me not to say what I experienced? You may not like to hear it but it is the truth. / I feel like you have been stringing me along and now when I finally say enough, you freak out. / Well, I’m not freaking out. / You said if the mtn is too high it isn’t attempted. The path on that mtn was lined with roses but when it isn’t appreciated and taken care of, weeds grow over and a path starts somewhere else. / Don’t blame it on the mtn.”

I know, I KNOW(!)… it was emotional. But I am reaching the end of my patience with this man and, quite honestly, his sense of entitlement and his outward neglect towards me and my needs is too close to my understanding of abuse. And when I FINALLY understand abuse is occurring (towards me or others), I stand up to it (because, now, I can):)

His response yest a.m.> I am not blaming. Want to move on. You are appreciated.

And his communications since have all been super-sweet. But as Ms. Mirror has advised men on this site: words are words… when words have not matched actions in the past, why would anyone believe the future will be different? A change in action shows a change in thinking…. Words do not.

-Continued-; April 11, 2013 at 8:35 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Continue -
So, for Scorpio I acted on my 2-week promise to get back to him. I txt him Sunday nite about the CMA awards on tv. He said he was working. It was a casual convo, and he said he would get back to me during the week. Then an hour later he sends a text, “p.s. been missing you and ___"(a sexual reference).

UGH! Not what I wanted to hear, so I didn’t respond.

Scorpio txts me as promised Tues night explaining that he got home to see the end of award show. This time his txts did not include anything inappropriate. We txt back/forth about the show, nothing else.

We’ll see what happens next… I get the feeling that he might not have gotten the response he was hoping for on Sunday nite, so he’ll be moving on. We’ll see.

I can feel energy of change stirring in the air… sometimes it is crazy strong… don’t know if it will be with me or others around me, but I feel it. Very cool.

And I know this is long mssg, but I have to share a very telling dream last night: My dad (who I adored as a child and who passed away 6 yrs ago about this time) moved into a new neighborhood. When I walked down the street it was daylight, then it quickly turned to dark and a group of men surrounded me, two in particular took control. One wanted to hurt me, one just wanted me. As we walked, I came upon a group of women who eventually accepted me and joined in the men-group to protect me from the men taking me. But then we were all going on a train and I had to go into this tiny car w/3 seats w/the 2 men. Standing outside the door, and with everyone around, I refused to go in. I stood at the entrance and just said NO.

That is huge for me!! Usually, when someone is going to hurt me in my dreams, I am fully aware of their intentions, and I wake up. This time, I said NO publicly, and the dream continued. The man who wanted to hurt me left, the man who just wanted me ended up being involved in some illegal activity and took off in hiding.

The women in that dream where all the ladies here… thank you, thank you, thank you!

The two bad guys… hmm Whatcha think?

Me standing up for myself… PRICELESS!!

Peace and hugs to all!; April 11, 2013 at 8:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror I am in need of a little advice again! First I the Pisces female i wrote on here awhile back, but anyway here is a overall view of my story.. I have been dating a male Libra. It would have been a year but we recently departed. At first my Libra guy was the best I have dealt with by far. He did so much for me. He remodeled my whole house using only his money. He constantly did things like this for me without me asking!

In the beginning of our relationship he kept pushing me to open up more and talk about my feelings. This was something I wasnt use to doing because one thing for sure I knew men are not comfortable with talking about feelings. So anyway I had gotten use to tellin him exactly how I felt. He was so loving and understanding. He taught me so much. He never misled me or to my knowledge he has never lied to me. Slowly things started gettin more serious for me.

I fell deeply in love with him. Then I experienced his first disappearing act! He went a whole weekend not answering my calls and just straight up ignoring me. I was so lost! I was so hurt and didnt understand where I went wrong. So finally he calls and tells me he was just with his kids and I should stop feeling like every action is about me but that it wasnt geared towards me.

I thought that was a little selfish. So when I felt upset about something a couple of weeks later that had nothing to do with him, I too retreated for a couple of days and reappeared saying the exact same thing! Let's just say the very thing I was to not take personal he took personal even tho I told him it had nothing to do with him.

But anyway to make a very long story short.... A couple of weeks ago I gave my Libra guy an ultimatum.. Reason being is we would have been going a year strong and he has slacked up so much with his time. He just wasnt making the time for me. Yet I kept holding on asking, and pleading for more of his time. He wanted me to believe that he loved me but he was hardly comin around. He would always look at me smiling saying you are so beautiful.

But yet he wouldnt make time. So i gave him the ultimatum. I said if you know you cant give me what I want then dont be selfish. Walk away. He said that he really couldnt give me the time I wanted at the time but that he loved me and didnt want me to leave but he said that I should never put a face on happiness. Meanin never let one person be responsible for my happiness.

So of course we kind of departed thinkin it was over. I was so sad I texted him that I was so crushed. He texted back sayin dont be baby And we will be ok.. So I decided to go back on my ultimatum and just forget about it. I just wanted him in my life. I thought he would be happy that I decided to stay. Instead he said he didnt like how I made him feel by threatening to leave him.

It wasnt meant to be a threat though it was how I really felt. So later he started acting very different. He started avoiding me through all causes.. He had to bring me money for something he puts the money in my car instead of comin into my house. I thought that was strange. Then he would never talk to me on the phone for any period of time. He would constantly get off the phone with me.

So finally I got upset and flipped out and told him he dont have to call or see me anymore I dont care. He texted back why the temper tantrum now?? I was so hurt he acted as if he didnt care. Finally I asked him should I move on? Of course he didnt answer back. So I told hom I loved him he was the best thing that happened to me and that I was out of his life.

I then changed my number and blocked him from all social sites so that I wouldn't have to bear the pain of him ignoring me. Will he ever come back? I have decided not to chase him but to just leave it alone. Im so hurt though. Help Please any advice?? Sorry for such a long story; April 12, 2013 at 1:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
Don't tap him, LOL. The reaction you may or ay not get might set you back and it isn't worth the risk.

@Gemini 50,
Continue to listen and observe. This mans telling you a lot about his character right now and honestly, he's going to help you remove himself from your life by his behavior now. Once you see him clearly for the man he is, your attraction for him will diminish to such a point that it'll be very easy for you to walk away and forget him.

He's something else. That reference of the mountain being too high..what a joke. He acts like you're asking for diamonds and furs here, when the reality is...all you're asking for is respectful proper treatment. And he's acting like that's some huge request, some giant mountain to climb. Treating someone he claims to care for with kindness and respect is a gigantic mountain to climb for him???

Big red flag dear. Big.

It tells me that he walks the low road in life. You're asking him to walk the high road with ou and it's proving too much for him.

That's okay, let him slum it down on the low road and you stick to the high one. The low road is too crowded these days anyway.

No more emotional displays, LOL ;-) Stick to the high road baby. Leave him in the trenches if he doesn't want to join you. Don't feed his ego or reassure him in any way that he's getting to you. It's understandable that that happened but dont give him that satisfaction in the future or he'll start pushing those buttons all the time once he sees it garners a reaction.

He's going down in a ball of flames...and all of his own free will. Leave him to his own demise if that's what he insists on ;-); April 12, 2013 at 11:28 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA! It's lovingme. Side note: Is there a way I can just add my name so that it doesn't show up as anonymous?

Ok so he called. 3 times in a row in the morning & I didn't answer. I followed your advice & didn't return the call for 24 hours. I called the next day & we chatted for 15 minutes, sweet, light convo we had. Nothing emo or anything, very friendly. He asked what I would be doing later on that day & I told him I may go & play cards with friends. I told him I wasn't sure about it though & to shoot me a text later on.

Well he did! That surprised me. Really. I wasn't expecting that! He asked if I were still going to play cards, but I didn't go because it was canceled, & I just told him the truth. I was gonna lie but I wanted to see what he would respond. He says "bummer", but I didn't respond.

I think he wanted me to ask him if he wanted to go out, but nope! He has to do that. I feel pretty good too because I'm not all eager like I used to be. NC is great at building self confidence I gotta say because if I don't hear from him, I'm ok with it. Even though I would, lol, but I feel ok about it.

I have been self-reflecting alot & reading your advice really helped me so I thank you very much for that. You've helped me more than you know MOA. I still have some insecurities but I'm more confident knowing that I won't ever be that person again & I'm loving the person I'm becoming & it feels great.

I have a new hair color, I'm slowly but surely re-decorating my apt., & my finances are getting better. I'm going to go at my pace where he is concerned. Let him lead as far as initiating & just continue to work on me. I can be friends with him again...maybe it will turn into more, idk I'll have to see what happens. But right now, I'm in the moment & that's fine. :); April 12, 2013 at 11:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Madame X said...
Holding on to anything is like holding on to your breath. You will suffocate. The only way to get anything in the physical universe is by letting go of it. Let go & it will be yours forever.

~ Deepak Chopra

Hi Madame X. I'm lovingme. Do you really think that is true? I thought I let my disappearing man go. Even when I deleted his # after he contacted me, I remembered the # anyway that quickly, but I just put it in the back of my mind. We're talking again now, but I've let him go physically before, but he remained in my heart...does that count? Lol.; April 12, 2013 at 11:40 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

You are funny. "No more emotional displays"

LOL is right. I love my high happy road... and you are dead on: Shix, I am so happy with being able to take care of myself. I do not NEED a man to pay my bills or complete me. Life completes me.

After knowing the deepest pain to my soul, finally, I cherish, gravitate and am happy to put effort towards peace and happiness.

Virgo won't get any more emotion... I'm good. No txts or calls at my home from him since my txt rant (LOL). It's been all business communication.

My problem now is that I want to tap Scorpio... I miss him.

But, I am a believer of taking lessons and using them. If we simply take information and continue to "need," we are not respectful to the teacher.

Hugs!; April 13, 2013 at 8:15 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Moa,Lady Leo,Gemini50,everyone

Hello ladies!How is everyone doing on this lovely Spring Sunday?

Again,I'm so thankful to have this blog and reading everyone's stories,it just lifts me up and keeps me grounded.Thank you all!

@Moa

Mirror,you will be disappointed.I've been doing so fine,have been so disciplined and motivated,that I forgot about my Sag and our last 'love' mentioning convo 2 weeks ago.

I found it weird that he did not say anything else after that but I went on with my life.Until last night lol.

My tempers were all flared up from a work situation and I just couldn't digest so much crap anymore so following a work phonecall,I just went on full blown force and attacked him.I literally started off with this line ''wtf is your problem,you idiot'..sigh.

Needless to say,I gave him a mouthful,about everything.He called twice and left 2 voicemails saying that I'm wrong,that he never wanted to ignore me,that he only did once because I had done it to him too,that if he did not want to be in touch,he would have just disappeared and deleted me long ago,that he respects me and that I should watch my mouth.

Batshit crazy I went,saying 'where is your f*** respect for me,you knobhead,in your f*** arse!'..won't go into details here lol.He left a voicemail telling me to shut it,because he never wanted to ignore me and that he could have just as easily told me that he did not want to talk to me,period.He is blunt,so am I but we lost each other these past few months,with my little disappearing act.

After listening to his voicemails,I added that I thought it to be ridiculous how he let things go on,even if I had started the pulling back act and that I cared for him(then) and that it hurt me to have him in my phone and see his updates/pics and witness all the silence between us.I went on saying he should delete me because there's no need for us to see each others updates anymore and that if his presence cant add value to my life,then his absence will make no f***ing difference.

He did not call after this one.He just put a sad face,said that I'm wrong and that we should have a good talk today because he needed to go to sleep early(he has a match today).

I wished him good luck and thats all.(I WAS FUMING).

Mirror,I do not know what made me pop my cork like that.Maybe it's like I told him.There is some lingering hurt there,especially cause I see him in my iphone and we used to mirror each others updates and all the silence rubbed off on me,and also cause I haven't dated anyone since.I'm happy and busy with other things but I feel connected to this fool.

So,I'm curious to see if he does initiate the talk today,like he said.Basically he does not want to let go of me completely but he also won't do jack shit to make his presence felt.So I kind of felt like pushing him against the wall now because I'm about to X his ass for good.

And I also had an 'i dont give a F' attitude about it and to be honest,really,I don't anymore.If he does not follow up with the talk,then I'm done for good.

Lovely Moa..thoughts?;;)

Much love and hugs to all my ladies here,keep it together!; April 14, 2013 at 7:21 AM
chk61 said...: Ugh. I'm backsliding, ladies. I really thought at 60 days I'd be over this guy but I hate to admit, I am thinking of him constantly. I also thought he would have reappeared by now and of course, he has not. I know the cure is to meet someone else...but it seems I meet someone I'm attracted to every few years.

I am involved in a public event that he asked about when we last spoke. He had originally asked me when we were dating when he attend one of my public events. He missed the last one in January and I told him back then that the next one was not until this month, and now of course, we are no longer dating. MOA, I am tempted to send him the info from a different email account that is about the event, and would not come from me directly. Ugh, MOA...ladies...tell me this is a BAD IDEA!

It is so true that when a person disappears from your life, it makes you think of that person MUCH more but I have yet to see any results of my disappearance on HIM. :-o

I found this section of the dating book by John Gray....under the part 2: Stage Two, Uncertainty (specifically "-Sometimes when a man is in stage two he temporarily forgets about a woman. Two days, two weeks, or even two months may pass by in a flash, and then suddenly he remembers how much he likes a woman. He thinks about calling but anticipates that he will be scolded or rejected for taking so long to call. So he decides to not call and moves on. If he has received a friendly call, then he gets the clear message that he is not in trouble. This then frees him to consider pursuing her again."

http://booksums.blogspot.com/2008/04/mars-and-venus-on-date-john-gray.html

Yeah, I know it's ridiculous (two months go by and a guy realizes how much he LIKES a woman? C'mon John Gray) but after reading this it made me think "it would be OK to send that email...not directly from me...what harm would it do? Maybe I get no response and so what, I had placed his name on a distribution list way back when we were still dating and forgot to take it off...how would he know? If he doesn't contact me, no skin off my nose." (this is what I'm saying to myself...)

Don't worry, I haven't done anything yet. I have to try to meet other people...*sigh*.; April 14, 2013 at 10:59 AM
Lady Leo said...: @chk61 ...

I'd like to give you my 2 cents. For the record, I totally identify with you.

Ugh. I'm backsliding, ladies. I really thought at 60 days I'd be over this guy but I hate to admit, I am thinking of him constantly. I also thought he would have reappeared by now and of course, he has not. I know the cure is to meet someone else...but it seems I meet someone I'm attracted to every few years.

***Who says 60 days is the deadline to process feelings? Stop applying someone else's rules to your feelings. You have a strong need to “resist” everything you’re going through, it seems. You “thought” he’d have reappeared by now? Why? Why do you apply your designated timeline? In laying these rules and deadlines, you are trying to control and predict something that it totally out of your control. “What you resist, SHALL persist”. So start accepting that this is a man who is unpredictable, you have NO idea what or how he feels and accept that it is what it is. When you stop resisting, life flows easy and magically. And, you might find the answers you need. And what is the idea that meeting someone else is your solution??? That’s like putting a band aid over a gun shot wound. The issues that are eating you (and me) up are not being caused by a “him”. Our happiness, or unhappiness, is purely an inside job, not a man job.

I am involved in a public event that he asked about when we last spoke. He had originally asked me when we were dating when he attend one of my public events. He missed the last one in January and I told him back then that the next one was not until this month, and now of course, we are no longer dating. MOA, I am tempted to send him the info from a different email account that is about the event, and would not come from me directly. Ugh, MOA...ladies...tell me this is a BAD IDEA!

***This is manipulation. If you want to contact him, just do it. Send a hello message. Again, this is trying to control a desired outcome. Playing with fire.

It is so true that when a person disappears from your life, it makes you think of that person MUCH more but I have yet to see any results of my disappearance on HIM. :-o

**Shouldn’t you be looking to yourself, and not him? Perhaps looking at the watched pot prevents it from boiling?

I found this section of the dating book by John Gray....under the part 2: Stage Two, Uncertainty (specifically "-Sometimes when a man is in stage two he temporarily forgets about a woman. Two days, two weeks, or even two months may pass by in a flash, and then suddenly he remembers how much he likes a woman. He thinks about calling but anticipates that he will be scolded or rejected for taking so long to call. So he decides to not call and moves on. If he has received a friendly call, then he gets the clear message that he is not in trouble. This then frees him to consider pursuing her again."

***I might agree with Gray here. But you have to be willing to accept his silent (or verbal) rejection. Keep expectations nil and prepare for a negative outcome.
(cont); April 15, 2013 at 6:24 PM
Lady Leo said...: Yeah, I know it's ridiculous (two months go by and a guy realizes how much he LIKES a woman? C'mon John Gray) but after reading this it made me think "it would be OK to send that email...not directly from me...what harm would it do? Maybe I get no response and so what, I had placed his name on a distribution list way back when we were still dating and forgot to take it off...how would he know? If he doesn't contact me, no skin off my nose." (this is what I'm saying to myself...)

*** You’re in denial here…it WILL be skin off your nose if you have develop expectations of him responding in a certain way. Be totally aware that the outcome might well be a negative one, stop telling yourself it won’t bother you. That’s denial. For me, if I fully accept the Continue @chk21

risk, I can accept the 50-50 chance it might not
go my way.

lastly, I recently "tapped" the ex sag. I will write about it later on. I don't regret it. Be back later to share about it. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do to have the message driven in. I know MOA may not agree with my take here, and that's ok. :); April 15, 2013 at 6:24 PM
Madame X said...: Hi Lovingme...

The saying, is what I needed to 'think' at the moment. When I found it online, it made me feel better. I found so many sayings which reminded me of this site and all of us. That's the way I took it, 'remains in my heart'. Not to hope/wish for something that won't happen, or to go back and make the relationship worse, but to leave the fond memories as they are.; April 15, 2013 at 6:46 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hi Sista 'T:

Aw...give yourself a hug from me <3

Don't be hard on yourself for your verbal vomit on the sag. I found for myself that other triggers can provoke me into expressing pent up feelings like anger. Your trigger had nothing to do with him, but your feelings did. None of us are perfect. I do hope he contacts you to discuss things but if he doesn't at least you got it out and can move on now.

I recently tapped the sag under similar circumstances. I will write about it here shortly. Just wanted to say hello to you!

@gemini50....

You sound good. You sound like you are taking control of the things you CAN control, YOU! And not the virgo. Just keep applying it to the Scorpio, and not seek him to soothe the lacking you get from the virgo. Like a placebo. It sounds like the scorp is just as unpresent as the virgo.

Sometimes we have to lose all our power in someone else in order to regain it within ourselves. I believe I am finding that out with my own sag experience. Sometimes being humiliated is where we find humility.

:); April 15, 2013 at 6:49 PM
Madame X said...: Oh, by the way, Lovingme...

If you want to use a name other than Anonymous, then CLICK where it says, 'Name/URL', instead of 'Anonymous'. Then type in Lovingme. Then CLICK 'Continue'. Then write what you want when it clicks over, then CLICK 'Publish'.; April 15, 2013 at 6:55 PM
Lady Leo said...: Ok, here's my "tapping" story:

I mentioned several posts ago that the sag man had re-read a few old emails I'd sent him when we were first dating. My email tracker notified me of this almost 2 weeks ago. That seemed to start the whirling derbish in my mind as to why? So after a week of mental olympics, I sent him an email with a spritual quote from Mother Teresa. LOL..yes HER! It was what I call a "test balloon". It was sent as a "blind" email, as I do when I send inspirational emails to mass groups to protect their email privacy. It wasn't personally addressed to him nor was there a personal message. Simple, cut and dry. I wanted to "test" him to see what kind of reply, if any, I'd get back since I knew he had re-read the emails.

And, let me point out here, that I was fully prepared for a silent rejection of no response. No matter how emotional I feel for this man, no matter how often I still think of him, I have made the LOGICAL decision of never returning to any kind of relationship with him. Should he ask, of course. LOL. And no he isn't asking. But that being said, I am STILL not over this, otherwise I wouldn't give a snot.

Anyhow, I send it one evening, next morning he reads it at 4.30am per my tracker. At 7:30 am he replied with "Very true! Hope you are well!". That's it. So, I sit on it for 2 days. It's a civil, yet bland reply. I'm intrigued cus it doesn't call for a response yet I want to push it further. Now, again, I don't care a hoot if this "ruins" the opportunity for him to return to me. Ha ha..isn't that funny verbiage? The opportunity should be HIS!! To have ME back. But I digress....

So I reply 2 days later, this time I'm in full manipulation mode. I said briefly I wasn't aware his name was on that email list, doing great, thx, take care". yeah, the dreaded "take care" one puts at the end of an message. I was trying to send the message that his email must've been added to the mass email list and I didn't know. LOL..again, yes I manipulated!! Well, every time I wear a push up bra, I am manipulating, aren't I? :)

So, I sent that to him 4 days ago and ya wanna know his response? Well...he hasn't read it yet! LOL....he has always been a non-email guy, opening his in box like once a week. the first email must've been his day of the week to check it. So far, the tracker shows it hasn't been read. How's that for my great idea, folks?

That's kinda why I mentioned to chk61 to be fully aware of any idea to manipulate. You gotta be ready for the fall out to be negative. I am totally 100% sure I could never take this man back into my life. He betrayed my trust and I wouldn't want to work that hard again to try. BUT..I am still interested in knowing why he bailed...was it player or fear of intimacy that made him run? and honestly, my Leo ego wants to know.

So, let's see. I'm certain I will survive one way or another. BTW...more on the aries twit soon...Im currently ignoring him. He's earned it.; April 15, 2013 at 10:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey MOA!
Just asking: When you are talking to a man online and the conversation ends with me saying gn. The next day I didn't contact him.We were both online. But tomorrow I want to get off that website though I want to keep in contact with him. Should I give him my number and wait for him to initiate? Or wait until he messages me again and then tell him? Or wait until he asks for my number?

Thanks!; April 16, 2013 at 3:36 AM
Anonymous said...: hello all....

so i posted the other day about my flaky guy who i then messaged about thought we could be friends but now i need space... he messaged me back the next day a totally random message which was a picture of something and asked if i wanted it as a gift.....silly me left it 24 hours then replied and he called me the next day... he can never be serious and made a joke about the situation and i explained if he really wanted to be friends its a two way effort,..... so he messaged me a general message the next day and then didnt hear from him until the day after these are very general messages..

im just a bit confused with him really i think where he has been away for a month it has sent me into over thinking panic mode and i can see if is online ALOT but i dont hear from him much and then his explanation is he has been really busy and thought i would understand.

he goes away next week for 4 months and im drooping him to the airport wish i hadnt agreed to it but feel like i cant turn round and say no now.

i think maybe once he has gone it is closure for me and i will feel better... part of me thinks i will keep contact with hima nd the other part things he hasnt made an effort the past month really why should i bother with him going forward.

i need to be strong and be happy without him and on my own so i think that is my focus is to be happy with myself before i meet someone new.

i find it hard to cut people off hence im still in contact with this douche...

he is back for 2 days before the airport run and im not going to contact him from now and see how long it takes him especially when he is back as i bet he thinks he can message me and things will be how they were for the next 2 days

sorry guys just needed to vent :); April 16, 2013 at 10:19 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks for your reply, Lady Leo! “What you resist, SHALL persist”. This is so true, and I have read some books on this concept. I agree with you that happiness is an inside job, and I'm a work in progress. I'm not the type of woman who has to "have" a man in my life. In fact, right now there are at least 3 men who are interested in dating me and for one reason or another, they are not good matches. If I was a woman who could not bear being alone, I would be with one of these guys. This is not to sound defensive...as I certainly see where you are coming from. But since I'm human, have human needs and desires - including intimacy which I know for women is a loaded topic, since we are routinely required to deny our own desires - I often have the last guy I "fell" for on my mind. I have a divorced girlfriend who at 49 has no interest in dating/sex/intimacy/love....so I guess she never goes there in her mind. Whatever works for her I guess...I feel lucky that at least I still have and experience my God-given, earthly desire to LOVE and BE LOVED.

***This is manipulation. If you want to contact him, just do it. Send a hello message. Again, this is trying to control a desired outcome. Playing with fire.

Hmmm...I dunno. I feel like a "tap" like the one you did with your Sag is what I'm more comfortable with. That way I will have less attachment to outcome, if it's just a casual invitation to a public event I am involved in, one he expressed desire in seeing when we were dating...then his possible silence OR friendly response, and then disappearing again would affect me less then if I personally reached out with a "hi".

*** You’re in denial here…it WILL be skin off your nose if you have develop expectations of him responding in a certain way.

I totally agree. If I'm not ready to detach fully from any outcome, then I am playing with fire. Yet I may TELL myself I'm detaching from outcome, but the truth is, if I was not hoping from some sort of reaction from him, then I would not even consider sending the invite, either from my own address...or from the other email address.

So if I am *really* honest with myself, the only reason I would be sending him the invite (e.g. like how you sent your guy the Mother Theresa quote) is because I am hoping for a response. Otherwise, I would even be here posting about it! The key is to not let it bother me EMOTIONALLY if I have no response or the response I "wanted".

So if he does NOT respond: my response should be "meh - he's going to miss a great event."

If he DOES respond, then I really have to re-examine my motives, desires, and let go of any negative feelings about myself, about him, about really anything...as well as any attachment to any particular outcome. This, as we know, would be a challenge.

Will be curious if your Leo ego gets the answer it needs from your Sag man. ;-); April 16, 2013 at 1:21 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Lady Leo

Hiiii Leonine,thank you for your reply.Made me smile :)

Well,he said he would want to talk things out 'tomorrow' and that was Saturday evening.Sunday passed and today is Tuesday and nothing so he can go F*** himself!Funny enough,the blow up did release something so I feel myself letting go 'for good'.I sincerely don't care anymore and he definitely doesn't enough.I'm fine and in the process of doing great again.My fitness regimen is paying off big time,I'm ready for bikini season so dear summer,bring it on!

Last night,I had a dream about him.We were hugging and he pointed at his heart and then to me.We were smiling and hugging.Boy,it felt real and..just so intense.But I'm sure that's just a reflection of my subconscious so I won't read much into it.Time to move on.I know he feels love for me but can't/isn't ready to show it.I aint got time for that BS!Life is short,we need to live it and laugh and love through it!

Funny move with your Sag.I completely get your need to 'understand'.That's actually what keeps us stuck for so long.The big,mysterious,head-aching 'WHY?'.But,my dear,some questions in life remain unanswered.At least for now,learn to let go.If everything happens for a reason,one day the answer will reveal itself to you.The universe works in mysterious way.Learn your lessons,pack your beautiful self and move on.Do not wait for anyone.

Love and blessings to all!; April 16, 2013 at 3:18 PM
Lovingme said...: Thanks Madame X!; April 16, 2013 at 4:39 PM
Madame X said...: You are welcome Lovingme. :D; April 16, 2013 at 8:41 PM
Madame X said...: @ Sista'Taurus...

I always look here when I have a dream. A site called 'Dream moods'. (Dream dictionary)

http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreamdictionarysearch.pl?method=exact&header=dreamsymbol&search=hug

Hugging:
To dream that you are hugging someone symbolizes your loving and caring nature. You are holding someone or something close to your heart. Alternatively, it may indicate your need to be more affectionate.

Pointing:
To dream someone is pointing at you suggests feelings of self guilt or even shame. You are being accused of some wrong doing.

Smile:
To dream that you or others are smiling means that you are pleased with your achievements and approve of the decisions you have made. You will be rewarded for the good things you have done for others. Alternatively, a smile indicates that you are in search of something or someone that will make you happy.

(It's so accurate - for me anyway) Whatta ya think?; April 16, 2013 at 9:26 PM

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