Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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Sista'Taurus said...: @Gemini50

Good job on how you are handling this.I am really taking mental notes!You are so grounded and secure in your answers and approach now,brilliant!And yes,if Virgo really wants you,I think the distance can be worked out eventually,especially since I believe you mentioned you both working within the same company?I think relocation at one moment could be possible..who knows :)

And that little Scorpio of yours,I'm grinning with you at the thought that he's constantly checking his phone,waiting for your reply :)Think this one out,give it plenty of time.

@All the ladies,chk61

My Leo male friend that I had a falling out with recently,he is also seeing someone older than him,like 10 years or so.Well not so much dating as sleeping with but what started as just sex a few months ago is now developing into a regular sexual relationship and nights in and so on.They even go out on the scene together,doing their own thing separately LOL

When I asked him what the deal with him sleeping with a cougar was,he said 'she is simply so different'.He likes that she has her own life,is confident,probably does not give much of a f*** and genuinely has a nice time,with or without him.I can understand the appeal there.

My cousin has also been in a relationship for 2 years with a man 7 years younger than her.She bitches about it every single day and he just gets tired of it.I told her to stop projecting her insecurities on him,while he has done nothing but treat her well.They recently moved in a beautiful house together and I advised her to keep her mouth in check cause seriously,this age thing is nothing but a number.He hates it when she treats him like a baby and patronizes him,WHO WOULDN'T?

So all the ladies dating younger men,do not be so hard on yourselves,we are all people.If he treats you like a lady,if it feels good,then that's all that matters.I mean if we start picking out men based on age now too,we'll literally end up alone.Be selective but not narrow minded lolz

Hugs to all!

@MOA

Mirror,what's happening to me,I seem to care less and less?By all means,I'm not ungrateful here,it's great to let go especially in my 2nd week NC but still..there's a part of me longing/wondering somewhere?I even dreamt about him the other night.; March 7, 2013 at 4:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"Why would I do this with someone that just blew me off?"

You wouldn't - unless you wanted to appear desperate and/or face possible rejection and more pain.

I will never understand why women think that what THEY would respond to - is the same exact thing that MEN will respond to, LOL. Men are not women. As a result, what works on women, DOES NOT work on men - because they are different from women.

And each time I hear women suggesting that type of thing to other women, I want to ask them, "So tell me, how many times has that worked for you?"

Because I imagine if you force them to think about it, the answer is probably close to - NEVER, LOL ;-); March 7, 2013 at 5:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 7, 12:44 PM,
"So do you think such women who marry this kind of man don´t know what they are doing, or know it but don´t care whatsoever as long as they have some financial security, or how is it?"

I believe that "like attracts like." Meaning, you attract what you display. So dysfunction attracts the dysfunctional, insecurity attracts insecurity, toxic attracts toxicity, anger attracts the angry, etc.

If someone is willing to accept an overly insecure individual, then chances are, it's because they "see themselves" in that individual. Meaning, they too have a high probability of being overly insecure. Much like the couples you see that have really toxic relationships full of drama, ups and downs and constant bickering - it's because both individuals thrive and feed off of the same type of "energy" - and as a result, it feels "comfortable" to them. You also see this tendency in abuse cases. Meaning, a child raised in an abusive household will either become an abuser or be attracted to one.

"I just wrote this to point out that if more women were less ready to accept these cowards, they would have to do something with themselves, wouldn´t they?"

Absolutely. The reason things are the way they are nowadays in dating is due to the fact that many women have a tendency to give themselves away for free - thus, the man is not REQUIRED to rise up and be a gentleman. You can't really blame "women" solely though, because it's "societal."

But if women demanded more respect, kindness and chivalry - certainly men would be more apt to provide it - they'd have no choice. It would be necessary if they wanted to attain their goal (sex/mating).; March 7, 2013 at 5:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
"Mirror,what's happening to me,I seem to care less and less?"

You're becoming stronger and your thoughts are becoming more clarified - thus the fog is lifting.

And in several more months or a year from now, you won't even be attracted to the same type of men anymore - your aspirations will rise. Once your reach a certain level, you don't slide back :-); March 7, 2013 at 5:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 7, 5:15 PM,
"Will the men see "ignoring" them for 30 days as games."

Depends on the individual. Insecure men will view it as games (because they'll assume YOU are doing what THEY do). Real men will stop and think it through like a mature adult and see it for what it is - a consequence of THEIR poor treatment.

"Or just think we aren't interested anymore(once we've ignored them a certain amount of times)?"

I don't think you're level of interest is what's important. I think it's the MAN'S level of interest that's important. Men that are genuinely interested will want to know what's wrong and what they need to do to fix it. As a result, they will express a desire to talk. Insecure men, players, half interested men and flakes will move on.

"When they do finally want to talk, what should we say?"

LOL, I can't answer that dear, I can't be right there next to you walking you through this. At some point, you have to take what you've learned and apply it yourself. But I imagine if a man expresses a desire to talk, then you LISTEN.

And after, you talk about what's important to you at that time.; March 7, 2013 at 5:51 PM
chk61 said...: Ugh, I'm having a bad night. I hate to admit I am obsessed with this man who disappeared. Did a bad thing, and looked at his online profiles (he can't see that I did this) and he updated them both, since he just had a birthday and took a weekend trip (new photo posted). So it's clear he's looking for new blood...I need to put him in the past and I'm having a really hard time of it.

I know it's for the best if he stays away and I'm planning on him doing that. I know he enjoyed his time with me and I still don't understand all the romantic gestures on our last date just to go "poof". Occasionally I feel tempted to drop him a line but I know it's a huge risk so don't worry, I'm committed to no contact.

I had done pretty well not looking at his photos but took a big step back by looking and now all the feelings are rushing back. Feeling very sad and lonely tonight.; March 7, 2013 at 7:23 PM
Anonymous said...: Day 26,

Today I've felt a little irritated. He's only contacted me 3 times since I started NC. Monday will mark 30 days of NC and I'm still not satisfied with the amount of times he contacted me. I'd like him to contact me a bit more before I talk to him, so I guess even once I reach the 30 day mark, if his communication isn't more frequent then I will stick with the NC.; March 7, 2013 at 10:28 PM
SilentScream said...: @Sista'Taurus

Great to hear that you're caring less and less and feeling stronger...Perhaps your NC and the happy drug, serotonin, from your new fitness regimen are contributing to this change. Good for you! Hope you're seeing results from your fitness plan as well! Keep it up! =); March 7, 2013 at 10:59 PM
Lady Leo said...: End of day 24 for me.

Busy day which kept the mind occupied. After work, though the thought police put an APB out on my mind cus it was rolling a mile a minute. Started feeling sad and sorry and had idealizations about contacting him. Luckily I kept reading here and a few other sites about NC and I've refrained.

Keep remembering why you're doing this ladies,.,it doesn't matter WHY actually, just matters that you ARE doing this. For me, it's to regain the part of me I lost when I chased after a man who frigging HUNG UP ON ME!!!! FFS...and I wanted to reach out and reward him with my attention and time??

Chk61...trying to find an understanding for specifically WHY your man disappeared (much like mine) is like trying to find a scratch for which there is no itch. You just gotta accept he did it.....it's done...and what are you gonna do to heal YOU today. You can't "plan" on him coming back or not coming back, but you can plan what YOU want to do today to heal. I got ride of his pics and texts and number off every electronic device I have. That helped a lot.

Remember, to all of us, WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US!! be the teacher in your own life!!; March 7, 2013 at 11:25 PM
SilentScream said...: Seems like today/tonight is a difficult one for a few of us. I'll add myself to that group. =( As I'm watching American Idol, I'm still thinking of him...lol...even after the fact that I unfriended him on FB and he was rude, didn't follow though (a couple of times) and flaked on me. But at the same time, I just can't get myself to text him after the crappy treatment....really tempted, but I will not. I guess I'll take Ryan Seacrest's advice to the contestants..."Stay strong". Lol. Not a good day/night but hang in there, girls!; March 7, 2013 at 11:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ladies,

I was the last poster over on the "breakup" article back on 2/19 and have done NC since Valentine's night. So I guess this is Day 21 of NC. Wow. He sent me a goodbye email on 2/18 and I've heard nada since. I posted his email and Mirror said I have a 50/50 chance of this one returning -- if I don't contact him even after 30 days.

Just wanted to say thanks to Mirror and all the ladies here for sharing their stories. I read this thread every day and you guys are helping me get through this. It's been very up and down -- some days I feel strong and positive, and others I miss him, cry, and beat myself up. This is the first time I've ever done an NC and I'm so glad to have found this site. Because of the 50/50 odds, I'm doing it for myself and not to get him back. I hope he surfaces at some point, but I've done a lot of self improvement in the meantime (exercise, new clothes, I'm going to change my hair color next month - from brunette to redhead!) Have not dated another guy yet, but I'm open to the idea...which is big for me. Anyway, just a big "thank you" to everyone and special hugs for those going through NC right now.

Hoopsgirl76; March 8, 2013 at 1:09 AM
Lady Leo said...: Gotta love that Ryan Seacrest! LOL

Yeah, yesterday was a difficult day with thoughts of wanting to contact him. It keeps messing with my day count. TODAY is day 24. I thought yesterday was. *smh*.

I found an article on "When a great guy disappears" and it totally supports our MOA's theory and validates everything she says.

http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/what-to-do-when-a-great-guy-suddenly-disappears/

It is a great read and really helped me, once again, to change my thinking and not send that text I was thinking about. Sometimes I get into the mindset of "Oh, he has trust issues, he is pushing me away cus he cant trust me, so I musttttttt reach out and soothe him and assure him I won;t hurt himmmmm" (insert violin music). NO! He is responsible for his issues, not me. We should NOT make excuses for someones hurtful and shitty behavior towards us. NO FRIGGIN WAY!!

I know my value today and I must guard that value!!

BTW, Aries man #2, Sam...ppfft...disappeared! LOL Didnt bother to return my call. He's making a greatttttt impression on me, don't ya know. What a toad. :P; March 8, 2013 at 7:51 AM
chk61 said...: @Gemini50, Sista'Taurus, Sassy Brunette, and of course, MOA: thanks for your comments about the age thing. This is the first time I've dated a guy this much younger and I know 5.5 - 6 years older doesn't sound like a lot and certainly it depends on the man.

The other younger guy I dated 15 years ago was 4 years younger, we're friends now (he still tries to sleep with me when he's in town, I have no interest) I probably made it too easy for him as well back then and he essentially dumped me (we were not even in a real relationship)...as I recall, I just went no contact and he kept reappearing and would not leave me alone. So he kept it up and now we're friends. We talk about our current relationships (or lack thereof) and I remember how crazy I was about him and now I like him but I'm not attracted to him (and he's an attractive guy). So something does change when a man doesn't want you, lets you go in search of greener pastures and then decides he *does* want you.

So with this current guy, the recent disappearing act, of course I don't know what is in his mind. if I'm really honest with myself he was a bit slick (yet insecure, he brought attention to his fears about aging to me - even at the first meeting - and how it affected his appearance) and may have been out just to score. He did not ask me much about myself and when I brought things up, he did not ask additional questions. We conversed easily and had a lot to talk about but I remember this - he did not ask a lot of questions about me. For instance, after 5 dates, I still don't think he knew how many siblings I had and of course, I knew this about him and other details about his family.

And yes Lady Leo, I chased a bit as well...after he left me hanging in email conversation. One email reach out would have been fine but I had to do TWO - spaced a week apart. And yes, he did respond right away but left me hanging and never specifically asked me out. Perhaps his ego was hoping I would chase some more! Sometimes I wonder (without going into the details of the emailing) if he indirectly asked me out and was hoping I'd step up to the plate and take on some of the initiative. Then I remember that our last date ended up with us sans clothes in each other arms so once again, it can't be that he was afraid of rejection or thought I wasn't "into" him.

I do think the level of intimacy may have spooked him. So he's back online, looking for that "perfect" match...

Nothing I can do about him, I can only control me and I will not contact him. It hurts to think that I am not on his mind and he is consuming my thoughts. Yet I have NO idea what he is thinking about and it is foolhardy to even try. It will all work out for the best, it always does. Onwards and upwards!; March 8, 2013 at 9:00 AM
Lady Leo said...: Aries update: So today he sends a text saying "good morning, hope you're feeling better today".

3 days after I leave my first call/voicemail. Needless to say I won't respond. At least not for 3 days.

Mirror Mirror on the wall.....!! LOL; March 8, 2013 at 9:26 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA,all the ladies

Day 16 for me.I'm probably going to sound 'm deranged saying this,since lately I've been writing about how well I'm feeling and how careless I am..well today,I feel a hole in my stomach thinking about him.I guess I'm disappointed I haven't heard anything yet.

I know I'll be fine again tomorrow,so I might as well just feel 'this' now and get it out of my system.I am trying my best not to give voice to insecurities..I want to tell myself that no man(especially his little young ass) will forget about me.

Holding tight to my center!
I hope everyone else is doing better than I am right now.Hugs; March 8, 2013 at 10:04 AM
Lady Leo said...: Sista T:

My darling....this too SHALL pass! You're feeling the same ebb and flow I did. I heard on some youtube video the other day, women's emotions are like waves....they roll in, they roll out. Up and down...you're just in the "wave down" stage, but it will pass.

On my "wave up" days, I feel "This disappearance has been a good thing because the decks needed to be cleaned with this guy, cus there was stuff I was avoiding about him". And its true. I wanted to have more depth in our conversations. I never asked what happened in his marriage, or why he was mistrusting...never go to know more of him and vice versa. What I did know, he told me on the first date, that he thought his father was NOT his biological father!! Eekkk...I should've talked more and asked about it. He'd said he was the only tall, thin sibling with blue eyes. Everyone else is shorter, heavy and brown eyes. There's a sign, huh!!

So, sometimes I see how this has worked out for my good. Just SOMETIMES, of course.

Ebb and flow...in and out...this too shall pass!!; March 8, 2013 at 11:01 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @chk61

Aww darling you,I'm with you there.We've all been there I think.Just a week ago I went on his instagram and basically threw salt on my wound.After that,I deleted all traces of him,I have no pics,no connection with him on fb and I went as far as to delete every web address related to him from my history and actually blocked it from ever showing up again anywhere!

It's a relief.Why should I torture myself and miss him when he may not be doing any of that at all?But still,I fancy the thought of him thinking about him while I let go everyday.

I suggest you just severe all ties,whenever you are comfortable enough to do that and the sooner,the better for you.Then the focus will shift from him onto you and lo and behold,you will finally see yourself in all your glory and clarity.

Be your beautiful,strong,wise self and attract that into your life.What you are(feel/think) is what you project into the Universe and what you receive ten folds back!

Hugs!; March 8, 2013 at 11:02 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Silentscream

Yes those happy endorphins are being released daily into my body!Changing my nutrition and a couple of supplements has really done me a great deal of help.I have loads more energy!

But what I'm most proud of,is that I've taken an active role in changing my life and applying the Law of Attraction every single day.I monitor my thoughts,I rationalise my feelings,I try to understand more what it is that I feel and how to cope with it and overall,I wake up smiling.I want to let my inner beauty shine through like never before.I NEED to take control over myself.This experience with the guy just really made me look at myself and want to discover myself and grow.

Allow yourself a frown,a tear,it's all part of healing but be aware that at the end of the day,you can steer yourself in a better direction,only you.Don't succumb into Fear.; March 8, 2013 at 11:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Day 27,

3 more days until I hit the day 30 mark. He's only contacted me 3 times since I've done NC. Someone has called me private a couple of times over the last couple of weeks. Since I don't know anyone who would do this I havent answered the private calls. A part of me wonders if its him. I'll admit, today and yesterday were not good days for me... I've felt bad because I've wanted him to reach out more. But I'm working through these feelings, and realizing that these insecure feelings started 6 days before my period is due so its PMS lol. Anyway stay strong ladies!!!!; March 8, 2013 at 1:52 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Ugh, what a day it's been for me... Thank goodness I could sneak away from work demands to peek at and re-read some of the information from Ms. Mirror today.

This morning I got myself in such a tizzy thinking about Scorpio... should I/shouldn't I... this is Day 3 since his text... at one point tears were welling up in my eyes from the desire to contact him... we were such good friends as well as lovers... could we be just friends? people do it... i think we could do it... there's no way we could do it... yes, we could... it was rough.

I'm thinking of Virgo too, and how hard he is trying to break away from the binds that tie him to his stuff... and also have to remind myself that his stuff is not my stuff... and what if Virgo disappears again... I think I am already ready for that... and I have not responded to Scorpio... ugh, ugh, ugh!

The panic seemed to come back with the "what if's"... god, how can we be so strong one moment, and so fearful and weak the next? I don't get it.

So, I did the only thing I could do safely: I got out of my office and walked around. I went to the bathroom and sat on the john for what felt like forever thinking of all the scenarios... what if Scorpio asks to meet, what if he doesn't respond, what if, what if, what if. When I came back, I forced myself to put work ahead of thoughts... and it eased my stress level a bit.

Honestly, I don't know how long I can hold out from responding to Scorpio with the same advice I gave Lioness a couple weeks ago.. with a simple, "thanks." Just don't know. And now I completely understand the "addiction" that was mentioned in this string at one point... I was addicted to the passion between Scorpio and I... I don't like the hold it has on me, and the power it gave Scorpio over me.

Forget the days, I am now taking this one moment at a time...

Ms. Mirror, reading your stuff today helped me DO NOTHING... thank you, thank you, thank you.; March 8, 2013 at 6:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
It'll pass, don't worry. And remember, it/when you do respond to Scorpio, don't expect an immediate response back - and prepare yourself for the possibility that you may receive none at all.

Because with some men, namely the player types, they "check in" to see if you'll chase (they need an ego boost). And when the woman doesn't jump, they go sulk (because they didn't get the reaction they expected). And then they "punish" you for not reacting the way they expected you to.

So to teach you a lesson - off they go again, LOL. So just be prepared for anything there and don't expect too much with this one.

And if he disappears again, chances are, he'll return again too LOL.; March 8, 2013 at 7:09 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Thank you Ms. Mirror,

Doing nothing seems to be the best thing for me to do right now.

I cannot see the forest from the trees, so controlling myself from acting on emotion is my goal right now.

Part of me feels like a coward, but another part of me knows if "doing nothing" is the way to protect myself until I am strong enough to handle Scorpio, than so be it.

I just have to keep breathing, and as you said, this will pass. (hope so); March 8, 2013 at 7:30 PM
Venus said...: Yesterday a friend asked how it was going with Virgo. I told him about the text he sent and that we are out of touch since then..he said..oh! 'pulling back period'!..I was like what!!!! what are you talking about? He said..this thing that you girls do disappear completely, I don't know why you girls play mind game? give that poor guy a break and speak to him, he will be happy to hear you, why are you bothering him and yourself.

I was shocked, I thought its between girls!!!

Later on, he asked so how much time you have in mind? 10 or 30 days or 50 days? ..I said, I don't feel like talking to him given what he did. He said, then just talk to him, communication is the key. In so many days anything can happen that otherwise may not have happened. May be he will start thinking you are so much okay without him that its not worth giving entire life to you! May be he will start looking for someone else! May be he will find someone else! May be he will get over you! Don't play all these games and just talk to him.

I said, this is not a game. He said..whatever you want to call it, this is easiest technique and there are several books about it and its all over the internet and most guys know about it. It won't work and even if it did you will gain attention but lose love that you have and he won't trust you anymore because he will know that he can't be himself with you, he always have to pretend to be nice and the day he can lose interest in you, he will and he will dump you.

We had argument!!! I said the things to justify my actions, there is no point in repeating all that. But I just shared all that this male friend said. I did not give in, but he had me thinking quite a lot. I am still on with NC and today is day #7..he did not call/text me. I miss him.; March 9, 2013 at 5:28 AM
Lady Leo said...: Hello everyone:

Day 25 :)

How am I feeling? Proud, for one. I've rarely been able to by-pass my emotions in favor of rational, logical behavior but I have with this NC! At first I began this in the hopes of getting him back. That was my addictive, distorted thinking.Now, I wish to be able to heal for myself and continue to build up my self-esteem and self-value. This doesn't mean I probably won't feel emotional should he return. I will probably shake in my bloomers. But I will be one hell of a stronger woman. And will be no shrinking violet and just pretend like he didn't hurt me.

On another note, I am still ignoring the aries dude. He won't get a reply from me for 2 more days. He is my mirroring experiment. Of course, it's easy with him because I have NO feelings for him.

Today I am going to pamper myself: waxing salon, manicure and general self care and love. I wish you all the same today, practice some *extreme self-care*..!!; March 9, 2013 at 7:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
LOL, yea it's funny how many guys talk about "communication is key" - yet when it came to HIM communicating properly - didn't your guy DISAPPEAR instead? Didn't he ignore you instead?

Isn't that why you ended up here in the first place?

What makes him think that a man that ignored you and treated you poorly - wants to talk to you? Don't you think if he wanted to talk to you - HE WOULD'VE?? Why is it okay for a MAN to do this, but when a WOMAN does it, it's not okay and it's suddenly a "game"?

These guys know EXACTLY what they're doing and you male friend just proved that.

YOU didn't start this, your MAN did.

Think about that ;-); March 9, 2013 at 8:36 AM
SilentScream said...: Last night and today has not been a good day for me. I'm struggling a bit because I'm wondering if I've been petty and childish in unfriending him and not replying to his text afterwards. This ebb and flow is so annoying and ruins my weekend! Argh. I guess I'm just hoping that he'd reach out again, maybe apologize for not following through...but I haven't heard from him since last week. And as the days go by and I don't hear from him, I start to doubt myself and what I did was right. Just getting restless and antsy... :(; March 9, 2013 at 3:46 PM
chk61 said...: Just glad to be able to post here and know that kindred spirits can empathize and know what I'm going through. It's almost 30 days since we last had any contact (initiated by me). I know once I make it to 60 days I'll feel better but I have to admit I still feel like crap. My tendency is to blame myself and comb through everything that happened, and any stupid things I may have said that could have turned him off.

Yet, he said things that should have turned me off...and I still found him charming. I tend to be forgiving and this is not always a good thing.

We only had five dates, so it's not like he did this after 6 months which would be worse. And shortly after our last date (end of January) I have been dealing with a physical injury that made February pretty miserable (he does not know about this) not to mention lonely as I could not do much, for two weeks I was nearly incapacitated and I've been pretty much home bound, just going out for food (luckily I can work from home) and necessities. It has made me appreciate the little things in life more though because when one or more of your limbs don't work, you realize how much you take them for granted!

I just read somewhere that men do the disappearing or the "slow fade" because they don't want to shut the door completely. This is a very intelligent (yet emotionally unavailable!) man...would he not feel a big chagrined to contact me after he blew me off and 30 days had passed?? I have to assume he's not coming back...

Although I'm feeling very tempted to "tap" him (as MOA discussed in an earlier post) after the 30 days, I'm going to stay strong and in No Contact.; March 9, 2013 at 3:54 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA,LeoLady,Venus,all the ladies

So today marks day 17 NC for me and actually 30 days since his last attempt at contacting me.That really struck a vocal chord in me.I wasn't really counting but today I though..ah,it's been a month,like really?

I don't know what to make of it on his behalf anymore.I also haven't spent time thinking about him that much but now this number hit me and the thoughts started running over me.I'm so empty of him at this point,I can't explain..

Like LeoLady,I am very proud of my NC because in my past I was always the pursuer as well,initiating calls and texts and just being full on aggressive because well,my self confidence and then my faith in the 'connection' shared with those men made me feel like I couldn't be alone in it,so I went after them shamelessly,always wearing my heart on the sleeve and preaching right and left.I actually convinced my ex of 6 years to be in a relationships with me.He fell so hard and still loves me to this day but yes,I was not happy.MOA is right,it was a sick relationship,where I carried all the burden,because well,that's the tone I set for it.

So I console myself now with the thought that I'm doing something different here,breaking a personal pattern,learning to regain my self-esteem and values and actually let a man win me over or fall by the sides.It's hard because I'm such an aggressive spirit by nature,I go after what I want but now I'm learning to draw the line with men.

That friend of yours,Venus,made me think too.I have heard that before and hear it from my friends daily too.That I'm playing games.But if I look back,my lost convos with him were short and cold because of him.So why should i reach out now?Maybe in his mind he wanted to test me but thats a game and I'm not falling for it.It's just not right.

And then the desperate thought 'oh maybe he was only half interested'..it would have crushed me some weeks ago but not now.I am stronger now.if he wasn't/isn't..then God bless him on his way out of my life.

He's still in my mobile IM list..i see him there,updating daily.For the last 2 weeks he went MIA(so unlike him,as he;s a social media addict),so I thought he was indirectly speaking to me.Now he's slowly getting back on that wagon,2 updates per day or so.

I don't know about him anymore.I'll continue NC for myself and welcome whatever the Universe has in store for me.

Hugs to all; March 9, 2013 at 4:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, perhaps I should have written this under another post, but this one is the most visited so I decided to post it here. Maybe other women will be interested too.

Most women who write to you don´t have high self-esteem. It stems from the lack of self-love. You read everywhere that you must love yourself in the first place. Do you have any suggestions what it means in practice, not only in theory? How to start to love oneself in the first place?

E.g. I love myself, or rather, I am content with myself when I am alone doing something I like. However, when I meet other people who seem to be more successful or beautiful or cleverer, etc., I always lose some of my self-love, although I realize that it may only be my illusion that they are more successsful, happier, etc. I just can´t keep it in everyday situations. What is your belief in this respect?

Sorry to write about this here but I think it is related to disappearing men because these men just reflect the absence of self-love to these women.; March 9, 2013 at 5:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Day 28 of NC,

It's kind of hard to believe that it's almost been 30 days since we last talked. He's reached out a few times, however I'm still unsure of how to proceed with him. He took 16 days to notice I was "gone", so I'm thinking maybe I'll take 16 days(which means 32 days of NC) before I'll respond to him so that I'm effectively mirroring him and matching his pace lol.

Anyway I definitely miss him but I'm in a good place and I feel like I've absorbed a lot from this website, which will help me effectively once I do decide to reach back out to him.; March 9, 2013 at 5:29 PM
Liz said...: Hi MOA,

Please shed some light on my situation please. Him & I have been friends for a long time, around 15 years, we used to catchup once in a 2-3 months and sometimes were out of touch for whole year. Last year we met at a party with some common friends, he developed interest in me and started texting me more frequently, once in 15 days then once in week then once in two days. I was not text person, so took anywhere from 1 hour to 2 days to reply. Then he texted me something which implied that he is in love with me. I was not and wanted to clarify this, so we met. Long story short, that's when courtship begin, I had a really good time with him that day. I was still not a text person and used to take my sweet time to reply which was okay with him and I always used to end phone calls first and end conversations. The courtship period lasted for 2 months and I found myself crazy in love with him. I did not mention how crazy I was but admitted that I had feelings for him too but I still did not wanted to meet him in private at his or my house, something that he very much wanted. But he insisted too much and we met twice at his place. I did not let him do anything more than kissing. And I think I do not want to let him cross the line before we are engaged. Now my problem,
1. he insists on meeting at his/my house and discourages meeting at public places or go for movies. If we meet at home he is happy to meet every week but we meet for lunch/coffee, once a month! There are movies I want to watch with him but he keeps giving me work excuses. For meeting at home he is okay to adjust his schedule.
2. he won't buy me flower, choclates or any gift for that matter, I felt he is shy type. But its been 6 months and I still haven't got anything!! Is this normal?
3. Now I expect instant reply to texts or acknowledgement for my calls. I don't get that everytime and when I question him, he tells me of a time when I did the same. I don't do that intentionally, it just happens, but he does that to get back at me!! So we are even!!
4. Once, I was on a train journey when I called him and he was asking me to meet at my house, I said I would like to go some place far with you on train. He said you must be crazy to think I would sit next you for an hour!! At that time we changed subject but now I am thinking, why he won't want to sit next to me for an hour?
Well other than all of the above we are doing great and I am hoping that I am not over thinking! 3 days ago we spoke, he said he will call me but when he didn't I thought I will call him, he did not answer and then my phone ran out of battery, I thought he must be trying to return my call so I borrowed friends phone to leave voice message but he answered after one ring!! I yelled at him for not answering my call but answering another number and dsisconnected. He called me back, I did not had battery and later I did not answer, he texted me to callback, I texted back asking him to stop texting me. His behaviour annoyed me a lot that day, plus all the 4 things were in my head so they piled up. Its been 3 days we are out of touch, he has a big big ego, he will be expecting an apology for all the shouting and rude text, he will have excuse for his behaviour, like, I was in washroom when you called and was out in just after five minutes when a stranger called!! He won't apologies I know that.

The thing I am sure about is: He adores me and loves me a lot. He is attracted to me. We have great chemistry.

He is 38 and a very succesful busy executive in a big company and I work as well. I am 32. Now call me selfish but I really like him and want to get back to talking to him and don't want to stay disconnected and make myself suffer like this. I can be minupulative and I know exactly how to behave to keep him on his toes. I just need guidance on how I should re-enter into his life. What can I say/do/text to go back on track with him without sounding too needy?

Thanks MOA in advance.; March 9, 2013 at 5:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 9, 5:22PM,
Well thats a bit difficult to answer because its something that doesn't happen overnight. It needs to be practiced.

First, i would suggest learning the ability to separate emotion and logic. Setting emotions aside and making decisions based on logic. That right there lifts the fog tremendously.

Then i would rid negative individuals from my life..only permitting positive influence to surround me. Clean house.

Once you're thinking clearly and have cleaned house, practice meditation, in particular, breathing. When suffering emotionally or trapped in a state of high anxiety, stop, close your eyes, and take 5 solid deep breaths in a row. Anxiety should pass and emotions should stabilize. Use this technique as a self discipline control mechanism.

Once you've learned self discipline, practice self love. Write down 3 things you like about yourself, 3 things you have to offer another and 3 things you'd like to accomplish. Every morning, recite them. Each night before bed, recite them. And each day, work towards the 3 chosen goals.

And then be good to yourself, so that you feel good and increase your confidence. A new hairstyle or hair color, manicures, pedicures, new wardrobe additions, some blingy jewelry, new shoes...whatever increases your confidence.

These are just initial steps, but once you get those underway, the rest falls into place. The path to self love is through mind, body and spirit. So replenishing and stimulating all 3 increase confidence, build strength and crystalize goals and visions.

Once you get yourself aligned...and you learn to be alone and comfortable with yourself...before you know it...you love yourself ;-); March 9, 2013 at 6:16 PM
Lady Leo said...: Today has been a melancholy day for me as well. Wondering if this man was the sincere man I thought him to be or just a player who runs through women like crap runs through a goose. I don't know and probably will never know and this train of thought is self destructive.

So, what does self love look like? Like this:

Today when I didnt want to leave the house, wanted to isolate, I went and had my eyebrows waxed. They were over grown like a forest. What a great feelings to get them all purdy :)

I did some shopping for things I needed and have been putting off. I gave myself a manicure, cleaned up all my old nail polishes, got them all good again. Now, I put on me sweet tight jeans, boots and lovely make up, going to have dinner with my wonderful son and then to a party at a friends house. I am GETTING off my arse and living my life!! That's love.

Whatever you would do or advise someone YOU love who is not feeling good about themself, then do that!!

Moving forward, NEVER backwards!!

xoxo; March 9, 2013 at 6:19 PM
Venus said...: @Sista'Taurus/MOA

Not sure what to say, but one thing is for sure that if I come out single at the end of 30 days, happy/unhappy, I will not advice anyone to use NC. Because I am not sure if he is suffering or thinking about me at all but I am missing him a lot and suffering a lot. Yesterday I was crying at night, almost all night. I miss him..I really do. In all these 7 days I have thought about him 24X7 (more than I used to). I don't feel like going out with friends or talking to anyone. I hope I feel better but I look pitiful :(; March 9, 2013 at 6:40 PM
Anonymous said...: I admit, I'm starting to feel a little bad tonight. I know it's the PMS talking so I need to ignore these insecure feelings. I have not heard from him since Tuesday. It's day 28 of NC and I just wished I got more contacts from him(He's only contacted me on 3 different occasions). It's disappointing that he isn't reaching out more.; March 9, 2013 at 8:53 PM
Kay said...: Oh ladies! It's pretty clear that MOST boys do reappear at some point, but know that when it happens you're gonna think real good about your response, because you want to guard your heart. Doing NC is for you to see how interested they really are in you (which also helps you to see that you deserve better) It hurts like a bitch when you get to 30d and realize they made little to no contact. It makes you second guess what you did/doing. And believe me, I wanted like all hell to text him back. I was so excited to get the first text. But in the process of feeling out his interest, he failed! His loss and my gain. I'm simply protecting my heart like MOA guided me too. We all have free will, but there's no way in hell I'm giving this boy any of my attention and he sure as hell doesn't deserve my body. If we just keep allowing them to not lift a finger then we will never find the right one. I re read all my posts from the very first day and OMG......... I was so consumed in man crap that I lost myself lol. (I'm referring them to "boys" because..... Well they havent maned up yet lol)

If they loose interest, find a new person and move on then it's because they got lazy, not because we pushed them away. This is forcing us to accept there level of interest and decide what to do. You won't forget about them, You'll just think of them less and less. I believe everyone comes into our lives to teach us something....... So experiment ;)

I'm proud of all of you, I love reading your progress and seeing the strength come as each day passes. Yeah you'll feel weak, but at the end of this you truly will be a changed woman.; March 10, 2013 at 10:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
"I will not advice anyone to use NC"

I feel for you dear because regretfully, you are completely missing the value of NC here. You are living deep within your emotions and a sense of co-dependency instead of using this time to develop healthy coping skills and live an independent lifestyle.

You're life is what you make it. If you chose to live in the emotions and misery - then that's what your life becomes.

However, if you chose to live in a state of logic and happiness - your life can also become that.

And I think you're missing a VERY important point here and that is this:

"I am not sure if he is suffering or thinking about me at all but I am missing him a lot and suffering a lot."

From that statement, it appears that you believe that if you were in contact with him - that magically somehow - you would NOT be suffering.

When meanwhile. . .suffering is what brought you here. Have you forgotten that?

As well, that statement shows that you are worrying and thinking about HIM, more than YOURSELF. Which is not the proper use of NC.

So you can try an experiment here if you like - and contact him.

If he ignores you and/or rejects you - see if that somehow makes you feel better since, for some reason, you believe it would.

Life is suffering dear. And you're going to need to learn to develop healthy ways of coping with the things that life is always going to throw at you. You're going to need to find your happiness on your own - and not expect it to come from a man.

One is co-dependence - the other is independence. And the choice is yours.; March 10, 2013 at 11:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Liz,
"he insists on meeting at his/my house and discourages meeting at public places or go for movies. . .There are movies I want to watch with him but he keeps giving me work excuses."

He's being lazy and he's attempting to force you to accept "less."

"But its been 6 months and I still haven't got anything!! Is this normal?"

Some men are not romantics, so yes, sometimes that is normal. But for occasions like Valentine's Day, which recently passed, and holidays, birthdays, special occasions etc. - he should be doing something to acknowledge them - in at least some small way.

"I don't get that everytime and when I question him, he tells me of a time when I did the same."

Don't question that. If you aren't responding to texts immediately, etc. - then don't question him when he does the same. Be fair :-)

"At that time we changed subject but now I am thinking, why he won't want to sit next to me for an hour?"

That's horrible and I can't believe he even said that to you.

"The thing I am sure about is: He adores me and loves me a lot."

I'm not sure about this statement dear. I don't want to hurt you - but I do want you to take notice of the reality here:

1) he won't buy me flower, choclates or any gift for that matter

2) He said you must be crazy to think I would sit next you for an hour

3) he said he will call me but he didn't

4) I will call him, he did not answer

5) I borrowed friends phone to leave voice message but he answered after one ring

6) he will have excuse for his behaviour

7) He won't apologise I know that.

I don't know dear. . .that is NOT the behavior of a man that adores a woman. So don't ignore this.

"What can I say/do/text to go back on track with him without sounding too needy?"

Honestly, there's nothing a woman can do/say/text that will make a man love her or want to be in a relationship with her. The man has to want the same thing himself.

I think it might be best to pull back here and put some space in between you two right now. And see if he comes to seek you out. Because a genuinely interested man will seek a woman out. And if there's been an obstacle, such as an argument, a genuinely interested man will express a desire to "talk" - to work it out.

If he does not do that, then it signals his lack of interest and willingness to work it out. In which case, it's best for you to attempt to move on as best you can.

If you initiate contact here - you may only end up inviting more pain, confusion and grief into your life.; March 10, 2013 at 11:48 AM
Peter said...: @VENUS

“I am missing him a lot and suffering a lot. Yesterday I was crying at night, almost all night. I miss him..I really do. In all these 7 days I have thought about him 24X7 (more than I used to). I don't feel like going out with friends or talking to anyone. I hope I feel better but I look pitiful :(“

Many men really need to know what they ask for when they get emotionally involved with women, but do you see it too?

Let me just say there is a lady in my life right now. I want to make her understand that I know what I'm asking for, is this man showing that to you?

I want to win her most valuable part, and her most treasured part, yet at the same time most vulnerable part. All men ask for this priceless thing...a woman’s heart, her love and her life. I want to make her understand that I could never ask for these in a rash way, a Childs way and I don’t do so lightly. I want her to understand that any big decisions to be made I would never flinch from. I would love her to see that I make my choice and its all on me. My expectations on her are simply that she be who she is and nothing more. I want her understand that what needs proving to her when she asks her questions will be shown. I will not let this slip away because life’s too short and I KNOW WHAT THERE IS TO WIN. Sometimes the universe just tells you as man when it’s time to strike on your own and make your own little bit of the world. It’s a risk many men are afraid of. I have no fear of this or any other thing no matter how big. I won’t move from that.

Now do you see that whatever man wants you he is asking the same of you as I am of the lady in my life? Remember that and love yourself like your life depends on it, because it does. Your job is to make a man know your worth as a woman by how you act. Any man that can see that will react accordingly and try to win you. Where is this man at the moment? 30 days and not there for you, that should tell you something. This man does not value what he is asking for from you. Let him go.

Forget suffering over guys that don’t make you feel good. I can tell you now this suffering will pass in time. I can also tell you that this was done to you BY HIM. NC never made you feel this way HE DID. He is the one not here for you....he is not trying to win you. This is a natural part of NC you let this out and eventually you gain perspective. You become stronger. Each time you do this its gets easier until you can just shake these guys off.

Stay your course and you will see. I hope everything goes well for you in the end :-); March 10, 2013 at 12:04 PM
Lady Leo said...: Very nicely said, Aphrodite....(comments to Venus).

And thanks Kay for the best reminder of why we use NC. To take care of US.

As I've said many times, I began this at first to get him back...but as miracles happen, in my detachment from him, and the obsession, I'm asking myself "WHO do I want back...the guy who left me high and dry without showing me any kind of courtesy?" Ahhh hell no!

Who I want back is the man he showed himself to be for 2 months....now that man *might* still be in there somewhere, and it may be his fear of advancing this relationship took over and made him shit his damn pampers and run....and if so, he will need to man up and take responsibility for hurting me. How will he do that? By my calling or texting him and saying *Hey baby...* OR.....by his FEELING WHAT HE LOST...in a fabulous woman in me? Yep....door #2 ladies.

No one is ever motivated to change by feeling good. Only by feeling pain. I don't wish to inflict pain on him, but to relieve my pain by taking very good care of me and not allowing his shitty behavior back into my life. So...he choose to do a shitty thing, so now he can sit in his shitty pants and roll in it. IF he is a good guy who made a bad mistake, he will come to feel it and take ACTION (not words) to make right what he made wrong. and if he doesn't....then he is NOT the man I thought him to be nor the man I want in my life. I will for go the instant gratification I yearn for when I miss him for the long term respect I DESERVE!!!; March 10, 2013 at 12:04 PM
Venus said...: @Mirror,

Yes feels bad but I won't let him see this and won't contact him, not before 30 days and even after that I will not initiate the contact. I feel hurt that's one thing but I do have some self-respect and I cannot let any man disregard me.

@Peter,

Thanks for all the motivation. This man puts lot of things before me, like his family, friends, job..why he came after me if he was that busy? I don't know!! Why he was crazy in the beginning and is not anymore ? I don't know that too!! I was not super chasing him and was never that needy. Where did I go wrong? May be I was not mysterious and shared too much! Anyway, no point wondering about it now.

Thanks for all the reminders, I feel better already. Sometimes we just have to hear it again.; March 10, 2013 at 12:44 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror for this site allowing me to vent and purge this guy from my system. Who BTW, is a Pisces..

A couple things I want to mention...other than mentioning the ex-girlfriend after his divorce, e.g. 4th date we're at a bar/restaurant and he says "oh, Susie (pseudonym) and I came here, we sat over there. Then looking at me with consternation: "My mother just called me to make sure I was OK because she found out on FB that Susie just got re-married- I mean, it was four years ago!" (but I knew it was two years ago) I said "were you upset when the relationship ended?' He said: "well, yeah but not for very long!" This was typical. He also let me know that he never thought he and his wife (7 year marriage, 12 year relationship) had a strong physical connection, and that the "frequency" wasn't what it should have been, etc. He would sneak these things into the conversation. I asked him why he married her, he said "it was the thing to do" and "she was very pretty".

He referred to himself as "arm candy" when I mentioned I knew about a party we could go to, he says: "well, if we go to the party you have arm candy..." looking at me with a sly grin. On our last date he said: "well, we both have mutual arm candy for this event". I did have snappy comebacks for both of these comments and did not let on that it phased me. I never asked his definition of arm candy, there seem to be a few out there...I thought it meant an attractive date, sometimes younger...but obviously it was a red flag.

He referred to himself as "hot" once or twice...

He told me within minutes of meeting me the first time that he was working with a life coach on "emotional vulnerability". He also told me this life coach gave him a homework assignment to read the book The Game - which is the story of how a single short nerdy guy became a master pick up artist. I knew about the book and I laughed as it was very funny he was telling me this within 5 minutes of our first meeting. We talked about it a bit, how the PUA uses these techniques, etc. I swear this guy snuck in PUA techniques without me even noticing - he was slick and obviously a natural!

And then that whole incident in the bar...getting so territorial and insecure when I ran into a male friend.

Many red flags. Yet instant chemistry, off the charts physical attraction, and easy, effortless conversation, plus matched wits so red flags were ignored. I have to keep reminding myself to pay more attention and act accordingly. Despite the above, I miss the man. Crazy, I know but that chemistry thing is elusive and hard to find.

30 days No Contact today. Looking forward to 60 days.; March 10, 2013 at 1:10 PM
Lady Leo said...: Chk61:

You sound good today :) Embrace it!

I'm glad you bring up his "arrogant" comments. I think we all know arrogance is a HUGE sign of insecurity. If you think of the opposite of arrogance, you have humility. A humble person doesn't feel the need to announce to the world how hot he/she is, nor that they have an attractive woman as *arm candy*. Men do value looks quite a lot and if an insecure man is with an attractive lady then he must be "Mr. Wonderful" in his mind.

When my poof'ing sag introduced me to his 15 yr old son, the kid told his dad later that I was *hot*. Sag felt the need to tell me the kid said that. He also told me he liked to show my pics to his pals cus I was so *hot*. So I saw a lot of the importance he placed on having a pretty g/f. He was using exterior "forms" to plus his interior holes (low self esteem).

These are deffo red flags, but not one's that would be a deal killer in a relationship IF they are outted and dealt with in mutual agreement. Knowing what I know now, and if the sag returned with humility to make amends to me, I would absolutely bring up all the insecurities I saw in him and try to air them out and work on them. It's the "pink elepant" in the living room. It will continue to shit on the carpet unless it's is addressed and removed.

It's important to remember these men aren't the other ones with red flags, we have them too. I spoke about my insecurities with the sag, and took responsibility every time I pulled the push/pull with him.

Your man sounds like whatever his insecurities are, he "treats" them with a pretty woman, ie: arm candy, and it could be his last break did affect him much more than he stated and his ability to go deep is about as deep as a kiddie pool. Much like my sag.; March 10, 2013 at 2:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and all women here,
I just want to support everybody by saying that I have just tried a new approach to meeting men online. Nothing super innovative, but his time I put emphasis on hobbies, not on finding a partner as such. And so many new men have answered that I have hardly time to respond to all of them. I am writing this to encourage the women who are doing the NC that perhaps they could try something similar just to take their minds off their man. It really helps. And BTW, I haven´t responded to any communication from "my" man and he´s been trying really hard to contact me this past week, more intensively than ever before. He doesn´t know that he´s been dumped, so it´s like NC, and it DOES work! Thanks again, Mirror, for all the advice!
HopefulWithMen; March 10, 2013 at 2:24 PM
ConfusedPisces said...: Hello Mirror, please help me!
I'm not sure if this relates to the article but I don't know where else to turn. :(
I have known a Taurus male for about two years, we first went on a date a few weeks after I got dumped by a guy who had strung me along for four months and then said he did not want a serious relationship. I guess Taurus guy was a rebound date. Needless to say I wasn't over the previous guy so I basically stopped calling Taurus. However he would check on me once in a while and ask me out, I would keep it friendly but always decline his offers. A year later I got out of another 'fake relationship' and Taurus guy was the first person I ran to. He was so happy to see me and wined and dined me, but after the date, I felt I needed time to myself so didn't call him again after that. He wasn't pushy and would still text me to find out if I was doing ok, and that he would like to take me out when I felt ready.
I then met a young guy who had just come out of university. He was a 'musician', lived rent free in his bandmate's parents' house and they earned money gigging here and there. He was cool, funny, handsome and arrogant, we got along great, and said he only wanted a casual sexual relationship with me. Even though I knew he was trouble, I thought I would eventually change his mind and become his girlfriend. He never took me out and would only ever invite me to his place. He wasn't very attentive towards me, would go for days without calling me and would constantly say he preferred 'exotic looking' girls, making me feel inferior, but I still kept seeing him. After a while I felt used and told him I was falling for him so I needed out. He quickly agreed and said we should just stop speaking to each other as it would help me get over him. I tried no contact but would always break it and pour my heart out, and of course he always rejected me, saying I was better off, he wasn't the right guy for me, etc.
I then went on another date with Taurus guy, who said he wants to look after me and treat me right for once in my life, and all he wants is a chance. (He's dated other girls in the past but can't get over me). Now Taurus is a good guy, average looking,intelligent and well educated, GREAT job and enjoys the finer things in life. He's 6 years older so doesn't always get my rapport, but seems to want to try his hardest with me. No one has pursued me so hard before, or treated me with this much respect. I am fairly attracted to him, but not as much as I was to the musician. I know if I want a loving, stable relationship, Taurus guy would be able to provide that. But PLEASE Mirror, help me understand why I am more attracted to someone who treated me badly, disrespected me and now wants nothing to do with me, instead of a good guy who wants me despite my flaws or how I have treated him in the past. I just want to get over the musician, but how can I do this? I DON'T MIND THE TOUGH LOVE APPROACH MIRROR, I need you to be brutally honest and help me move on with my life. Sorry this was long, but I have no one else to talk to. :( Thanks for reading xx.; March 10, 2013 at 3:47 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @LeoLady

Glad to see you're taking good care of yourself.If you push a little,you create wonders.And it does help us women to dress up and pamper ourselves.My fitness routine is literally changing my life.I have posters of what I want to accomplish plastered on my fridge,in my bathroom and in my bedroom.I sweat my ass off at the gym and lift weights and push through every physical pain and yes,I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have no control over others but over myself.I will not let myself wither away in my room and give into fear and anxiety and sadness.What for?I'd rather be productive about it.Change is uncomfortable but I'm so excited knowing that I'm doing something different for the first time ever.I cannot wait to reap the full benefits eventually.Keep it up girl!

@Venus

Aww.poor you.It's human to doubt yourself but don't indulge in it for too long.Everyone responds differently to different things.I used to allow myself days to sulk and be depressed and cry and do nothing but revel in panic attacks.What a pathetic figure I was.I learnt this from my last relationship,that I never want to go there again.You know right from wrong,I'm sure.You do not want to be miserable and suffering,so what are you waiting for?

MOA gave you great advice and I would follow it.And listen,I started NC 5 weeks ago and ignored his first 2 attempts but then a week later(much like you),gave in and initiated.He was short and confused in his reply.Do you think I felt better?Hell no.So I had to go back to square 1.If you really want to tap him,go ahead but be prepared for the outcome,that's all I'm saying.

@Hopefulwithmen

It's lovely to hear from you!Former hopeless with men,look at you now!How many days NC have you had now?I see you're doing mighty fine,keep it up and keep coming back to share with us.We can all use the motivation and inspiration!

@MOA

I think of you everyday,you awesome creature you! Hugs !; March 10, 2013 at 4:43 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Lady Leo, "...made him shit his damn pampers and run..." OMG, that is some funny shit! Thank you! Made me laugh.

@Peter, You are a sweetheart. I so hope you win your lady.

@Chk61, Your guy sounds like this guy I dated 4x from Oct-Dec 2011. He was 4 yrs younger than me, and a good friend of my girlfriend's boyfriend. Well, date 4 was at his house and he was ALL over me. I ended up sleeping w/him and left asap the next AM. (really, as soon as the sun rose, I was out the door). He called me 2 hrs later telling me how he knew he was going to sound like an axxhole, but this was all moving too fast for him, it upset him that I left so early, blaa, blaa, blaa.

To myself, listening to this guy, I was like, "WTF?" I figured out, eventually, that this guy was "politically correct" in his community and had a very high esteem of himself, etc. What I eventually realized is that this guy was an overgrown boy with a warped opinion of himself.

Listening to you tell more about your guy, reminded me of that guy. And let me tell you, I am so grateful this guy was an immeidiate ass. I just said, "ok," and walked away from that one. Well, I didn't exactly walk away, lol. I did at first walk away with my head down wondering WTF happened, but then I was hearing from my friend that he was talking about me, so I sent him one hell of a fucking email... layed his childish behavior all out for him. He was not happy. I didn't give a F, and told him to have a nice life.

If I saw him today, I think I would just shake my head and ask myself, "WTF were you thinking girl??" He was NOT a man, he was a child in a man's body.; March 10, 2013 at 5:01 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Everybody

So today I had a thought,after reading the posts here.I notice how a lot of us have trouble letting go because we experienced some amazing chemistry with a significant man.I understand well (chk61),that the kind of spark and immediate bond is hart to find and when it happens,we're hooked.

I wonder,MOA,do you think these men felt it too?I used to believe they did but that's what makes them pull back with such ardor.Men not being able to cope well with emotions.But I am almost ready to bet that they feel it too.So them disappearing or starting to act up can only be their fear of letting that develop(commitment).But then that also makes me think that that's a reason why those men always come back because they can't forget it also.They need time to process their own feelings/thoughts and yes,it takes longer for men than for us women.

Is there any truth to this rationalization? Ladies,feel free to share.; March 10, 2013 at 5:17 PM
Anonymous said...: @Sista´Taurus and everybody, I also used to believe in amazing chemistry because something like you described happened to me in the past, even repeatedly, with... zero results. I am not sure what the men felt, but when I felt that extraordinary connection, somehow it never worked. So on the one hand I completely understand you and your desire to have this experience again. On the other hand, I am wondering if we women don´t attach too much importance to this fabulous feeling of connection, of him being special and the only one, etc. Maybe we should try to give a chance to something that seems to be a less amazing connection, something "lighter" and who knows, it might develop into something fabulous over time. So I think, like Mirror suggests, during the NC the best thing to do, apart from the hairdresser´s, new clothes, etc., is to meet some new men and go out with them without any expectations. It has several advantages: The NC will pass much faster; while meeting somebody new you won´t have so much time and energy to analyse the "mistakes" you made with your man; and who knows how everything will turn out in the end? Maybe your man will return and maybe you will not want him anymore because a new man will have attracted you by that time. The only thing that is necessary is to overcome apathy, which is, naturally, quite difficult when your heart is stuck somewhere else, and start to communicate with new men.
I wish you all the best and don´t be sad!
HopefulWithMen; March 10, 2013 at 6:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Ladies who've done NC so far(for the full 30 days) how many attempts did the man make contact with you and when did you finally decide to respond? Tomorrow marks the 30th day. As of now, he's made 3 different contacts with me since day 16. I haven't decided if I should wait until he makes more attempts to contact me or if I should come out of NC and send a text and then disappear again.; March 10, 2013 at 6:33 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Hopefulwithmen

Thank you for your response!I understand where you're coming from.The thing is,I've also had the 'light' experience happen and I invested in it and the result was well,awful.Because it always felt like I had to work at it,and him too.@the chemistry if you know what I mean.Needless to say,after 6 years of that,we ended it.

A year and a half ago I also met someone who did not initially blow my mind and it developed into a lovely friendship on my side but on his there were feelings.I love him to bits but I need that extra oomph.

So I cannot really tell anyone which works best.I think it's different for all of us but nevertheless,chemistry is crucial.If it's not there from the beginning,I'm usually not so interested.And then again,when it's there,why do men react like big tits about it?; March 10, 2013 at 7:14 PM
Lady Leo said...: Thank you, Sista T & Gemini50 :)

Anon March 10: Im on day 26 of NC and the shitty pants sag has made no effort to contact me. Now, it's too soon im my case, as I made such an emo case out of myself for 10 days or so after he started do the disappearing dance. I don't think it's hit him that I'm good for good. This weekend in particular he is at Bike Week strutting his old scrawny 48 year old ass on his ridiculous Harley :~). ( I was suprised at how flabby his ass was the first time I grabbed it...LOL)

I think the man "reach out" time will vary depending on the situation surrounding the woman going NC. This guy stopped texting calling after a few days of limited contact and the "Not a fan of love" convo. So after few days of silence, I'd text, he'd reply a day later. I'd wait a few more days, text, he'd reply later. Finally after 5 days of silence, I texted all emo like and he replied with a cold "Please stop, Im very sick and won't fight you". I wasnt looking for a fight by any means just clearity, but I took that as a HUGE slap in the face. The last thing I said before NC was "Dont want to fight, just frustrated, sorry you're so sick". That was it. He never said a word, and I went no contact from that moment till this one. 26 days, baby!! I KNOW he liked me, I KNOW he's thought of me and I KNOW he's read my blog and my FB page. He's also a venus in scorpio so that obsessive/stalker instinct is in him. (along with the low self esteem and intensity). Im a scorp moon so I got it too.

As for the vengeance, I def wanted that too, but that's my ego seeking a stroke. I'm not in charge of doling out the punishment to the peeps of the world. I get to control only me. I want to be an awesome me and awesome people don't seek to hurt others, even though they've been hurt by them. God/Universe is in charge of that department. I want to take the high road cus there are really cool, sexy gorgeous people on that high road. and I want to meet them. :P; March 10, 2013 at 7:15 PM
Kay said...: Anonymous @6:33

Well BB blocked me on fb on day 30. Then sent me a text on day 75, then another text two days later, and another a day later. Then 3 weeks after his first text he sends my BFF a friends request on fb (he deff knows she's my BFF). But I never responded. It was my personal choice to not reply bc I really didn't feel like he wanted what I wanted. Sure I wanted to reply, but my gut feeling told me not too. It took him 2.5 months to get back in contact with me and I wasn't about to just welcome him back without even trying. Hes lazy, I have no space in my life for a lazy guy.; March 10, 2013 at 8:26 PM
Anonymous said...: @Sista Taurus- re the amazing chemistry. yes, this is what had me hooked too. I say had because over 2 weeks of NC, I am cured of that. I don't think my guy felt it. I knew in my gut he was on the fence about me upon us meeting. I also knew exactly what to lead with at a gut level to "get him" it worked, he was all over me at first.
But no, just because we feel it, doesn't mean they do too. Now, if you ladies did not manipulate your situations in the manner I did, maybe they did feel the chemistry. My guy (Taurus) did not attempt to reach out in these 2+ weeks and I think I knew he wasn't feeling it after the last time we went out but he , without prompting from me, kept telling me how much he liked me and he texted like he does for the next few days after he saw me.
I think this was simply me pushing his buttons. He gets women into bed easily, I'd imagine and not getting me set off his ego, but I think he calms down and realizes, "hey, I don't even want her" and that is why he disappears. An ego motivated chase, not a mutual chemistry.
But hopefully it is different for many of you.; March 10, 2013 at 10:00 PM
SassyBrunette said...: I spent time with a guy last summer and started having feelings for him. He asked me out in August, then backtracked and pulled the disappearing act in September. I have not heard from him since the end of October. So it's not necessarily true that they come back eventually. I have given up hope of ever hearing from him again, and that's fine. But I do get jealous when I hear how other men seem to return. That just doesn't seem to happen when I have breakups.; March 11, 2013 at 12:08 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Anon March 10,10 pm

Well it's only been 2 weeks there for you so I wouldn't completely call this off.You might hear from him sooner than you expected.

In my case,the current guy I'm NC with,he chased me and it was all a joke for me from the start,just light banter and convos that casually intensified.I had no expectations at all because I wasn't feeling emotionally charged or threatened in any way.It all changed when we met,because we effortlessly clicked and our personalities just meshed in 3D so to say lol.And that scared me and caused me to push and pull and act like a maniac,finally disappearing on him.So it's a bit reversed in my case.

But NC was for me,I needed to gain perspective.At any other time in my past,when faced with chemistry,I would turn into one nagging bull,chasing and banging my horns into them,until I got them right where I wanted them.But that never ended well.So this time,I pulled back because I need to know that I have that power and self-control,that if he comes back into my life,I will not be co-dependent.I am learning a most valuable lesson here.

So I am grateful and proud of my NC.He had 2 attempts after the 1 week but I did not reply.I would beat myself up some days,thinking I may be pushing him far away and cause him to think I do not care.But this way,I'm also sorting out his level of interest,as a side effect of NC.A man that truly cares,will try harder for an explanation.We will see.

NC is for me,for my clarity,us women are so attached to our emotions that we do not see the forest for the trees.Take time ladies,for yourselves.And if he was ignorant or callous towards you,then further reason to apply NC.

@Sassy brunette

Honey,he just wasn't interested enough or could not act on his interest towards you because of insecurities etc.There are many men out there who are threatened by a strong confident woman.But you don't want a man like that.You want a man who will push through his 'shit' to get to you,who will want to grow and become a better person,to be able to approach a woman like you.You have no time to wait for that though.Revel in your personal beauty and richness,be in love with yourself and your life,and you'll be a magnet.

Everyone doing NC,stay strong and push through!; March 11, 2013 at 7:31 AM
Lady Leo said...: Day 27 :(

I feel down. Woke up sad. Day 28 is actually more significant to me than 30 since it will be exactly 4 weeks to the day he was so cold to me. Maybe that's why I feel down.

I know this will pass. I just need some hopeful thoughts and experiences.

Please share, ladies.

Thanks; March 11, 2013 at 8:44 AM
Anonymous said...: In my case,(I'm the anon from March 10th who asked you guys about the 30 day NC), he never pulled the disappearing act. He just stopped initiating things like he used to and I got insecure and clingy and said and did all the wrong things, which I believe may have caused him to stop initiating things and start thinking I was clingy. However he would respond to about 90%-95% of my texts, and he always called me back if I called. Even when I got EMO, he was still calling me and texting me through it.

The 30 day NC for me was more about regaining what I lost when I went emo, showing him that I'm not clingy and that I want to be pursued again, and to give him space.

At first I was pissed because it took him 16 days after I went NC to notice but when he noticed he did notice pretty strong, he sent me 4 texts within a half an hour and called right away when I didn't respond. Then he made two more contacts. One was like at 9:00 one morning(the time he used to wake up) which led me to believe he probably had been thinking about me when he woke (which means on some level NC did work).

At this point, he made 3 contacts--plus I recieved two private(numbers blocked) calls since I did NC(which I believe to be him lol) and today marks the 30th day of NC.

Tomorrow I will reach out with a short brief text and take it from there.

Whew, also PMS is finally gone(period came) so while I'm feeling a little low today, typically by my second day of my period I'm not as emotional.

Good luck with the rest of your NC journey ladies.; March 11, 2013 at 9:07 AM
chk61 said...: @SistaTaurus:

I think the men have to feel intense chemistry too...but perhaps if they know they don't want a relationship or are not ready or not over the ex or WHATEVER...they are able to compartmentalize the feelings and experience easier than women do. It can be just a "physical" thing. How they are able to do this, I do not know. I know my date was feeling it, otherwise he would not be sending me emails early the next morning. We never slept together or had actual sex but we did have a nice (and for me, quite rare) physical connection that I know he also witnessed and experienced.

Obviously not to the same degree that I did as I have not, as of today, had any communication with him in 30 days. And yes, as Anon. above said, maybe it was pure ego gratification for him and his ego was emailing me the next morning!

As to whether or not chemistry is important...I think about this a lot. I have always felt that the "spark" had to be there in the beginning as it usually cools off over the course of the relationship but there is something to be said for the "slow burn". However, for the slow burn to occur, there has to be an attraction, some kind of a spark, and I've never been able to get over feeling like a guy was "friend" material and later became boyfriend material. That usually doesn't happen. There is one guy who really likes me and he'd probably make a great boyfriend but I feel zero physical attraction to him. We've hung out and I just don't feel it. Maybe with time and increasing age my feelings will change about this.

I need to learn how to practice the "slow burn" next time I meet a guy who knocks my socks off. My problem is I go such long periods with nothing and I find it very difficult to play games, act like I don't like the guy, not always be available, not return a call here or there. But acting on my natural, God-given impulses is not allowed in the dating realm and it's the female's job to be mysterious, say no, be somewhat available but just out of reach, always keep the guy on his toes, blah blah blah. (banging head against wall).

Speakig of which, I'm currently reading "The Manual" by Steve Santagati. He advocates a lot of game playing in dating "bad boys" and constantly keeping the guy on his toes so I guess it has to be done. I did a bit with this last "bad boy" but obviously not enough. Admittedly, on the last date I rewarded his distancing behavior with some fabulous intimacy which was a mistake. In retrospect, I should have sent him home with a quick peck on the cheek. *sigh* Sue me, I'm human.

@SassyBrunette: I've also experienced the man who does NOT reappear. Actually, I'm not expecting this last guy to reappear...and I'm prepared for that. I did date a guy a couple of years ago very briefly; unfortunately he was in the midst of his divorce and his court date was the week after our first date! Needless to say terrible timing. He did have the decency to write me an email to tell me had met someone else (we only had 2 dates so it was OK but he was intensely into me for a few weeks). THAT guy reappeared a full YEAR later (apparently after his rebound relationship broke up!) We traded emails but nothing happened.

30 days no contact today. Onward to 60 days!!; March 11, 2013 at 9:11 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, first of all a big thank you for your time and effort in writing these articles and publishing them for women in distress over relationships. I've read a few of your articles and found them very insightful. Also, you're very nice in taking time to reply to your viewers here. I think you're one of the handful I know who takes time to respond. so thank you.

With that, I come with my question and I hope you can help me with it..

I met Guy C online. Exchanged a few messages, he gave me his number, dropped him a lyrical text 'Hey I just met you..' and he played along. Then I didn't hear from him. Until about two days later, I told him have a good mid-week! and he replied. He was with his colleague and asked me to come say hi. So I did and I paid more attention to his colleague than to him. I was a 'cool chic', fun, having a good time and relaxed. That night we ended up kissing and I went over to his. We didn't have sex, but went to third base. I told him I didn't want to have sex. I thought this would be casual and he would not be interested in me anymore. But after that night, we kept texting... and I played it cool...like when he canceled on our first date cause of work. I told him I felt a bit sad I couldn't see him but told him that he can make it up for it on our date set on Sunday. We texted for a while (He initiated texts and sometimes I did. Then two- three days before the date, I didn't text him neither did he...What went wrong??) It was not until the day before our date that he texted me and asked how I was etc. and spoke about our date. I was kinda disappointed that he didn't really plan the date in advanced but told him i understand cause his dad was in town and his work required long hours.
Yesterday was our first date and he took me to a nice restaurant. We walked and talked for hours. And then he told me that he likes me. He said he knows this is not the 'ideal' date cause it is so predictable and said he will make it up to me. He showed lots of signs of interests like asking many questions about me, my family, my close friends etc. He even kissed me while we were walking...

When our date ended, he wanted me to go back to his. I was afraid that this would happen and told him I'm not too sure as I want to take things slow. He said that he will not try anything and I agreed, emphasising that I am going to trust him on his words. AND before we went to his apartment, he pulled me aside and asked me if I was a player. And he wanted to make sure that he wasn't dating one etc. I said no...Anyhow, that night he was quite respectful we didn't have sex, but he did try and finger me for a bit but stopped shortly after. He said he couldn't resist :/ The night consisted of his cuddles and kisses and him resting his hand on my boob (no groping whatsoever). He continued to texted me after the night.

I may have made the mistake of pulling out the ' I want a relationship ' card. He jokingly texted me 'hey serial player' and I kinda said that even players want to settle down when they find that special someone. And I asked if he was a player? And of course he said no. So I asked if he wanted me to stop seeing other men? He said he understands that players want to play... And then I responded with a " :(" and he said he was joking. i got upset but didn't tell him off. I said that I'm not a player, I just like to hang out with men. I'm very confused. If he likes me wouldn't he want me to stop seeing other men? Is he playing me? Cause sometimes he will take a long while to respond to my texts and I do that to him too.

I just need to know if he really likes me. I've had my heart broken too many times and am feeling quite vulnerable.I don't know if he is for real or just playing with me. Especially if he doesnt contact me, I'd feel that he isn't really interested in me.

Sorry if this is so long. Hope you can help me.

Very grateful.; March 11, 2013 at 11:22 AM
Anonymous said...: @ Sista Taurus this is Mar 10, 10 pm.
Thank you for your encouragement that 2+ weeks is nothing and he may return. I really think if I do hear from him I will tell him to go away. I don't want to go through this. I feel he may be a distraction I don't have time for. I want a relationship / marriage, seems to me this Taurus does not want this, at least with me. Why waste time.
Something has changed in me, my sleep habits , my eating habits, and not for the better. It's a though I'm caught in this fog in a different way. I do see clearly my situation with Taurus but it's as though I'm stuck and don't want to move forward with anyone else. Would rather move backward, just sitting here hoping to be rescued by either of the last 2 exes . . . (who did previously reach out and I blew off too. Their efforts were not up to my standards. Which in all honesty are quite low.)
I think for me losing myself is the danger of messing with this Taurus and I want no part of it. I need to heal and stay healed. Anyone else feel like this? He shouldn't have been able to get to me so much with nothing but bs coming from his side. I've got to protect myself. I need no contact because he needs to go.
@Leo Lady- The thought that comes to mind , though I feel my take on romantic situations is and always was quite different than the rest of the world , is "the bigger they are, the harder they fall" What I mean by that is yes, although I did receive contact from all of my exes at some point, the one that really pursued me is the one I was so in love with , the one I was after who was completely casual with me and I didn't even know to expect better. Anyone in the world would have (and did) say it was a lost cause.
He wanted me back after our big 'break up' - about the 9 month mark. Being that I never was completely stupid, I figured he was lonely and bored and wanted all of his ladies back at some point because of it. My turn in the players rotation.
He pursued me on and off for the next 10 years! (He must have become bored and lonely frequently in that time!) And really this was someone who, while he never hit me or anything of course, treated me so bad in every other way.
Don't discount the ego thing. No contact probably works in some cases just because of that- they can't believe you were so in love with them and now won't give them the time of day. And as stated in the article, people do want what they cannot have-especially if they've had it so thoroughly before and it was good!
Hang in there everybody. But live your life and focus on yourself. I'm just not cut out for this fight like I used to be so I'm going to let this one go if he pops up.; March 11, 2013 at 12:25 PM
Anonymous said...: Since today is the 30th day of NC for me, I have to say it's been productive. Those of you who doubt that it will "help" need to really make sure you are using the 30 days to LEARN, REBOOST self esteem, and DECIDE if you still want to talk with the particular guy and gauge if he's even interested. For me NC helped me to understand men in a way I NEVER have before. Because not only was I on this website getting information, but I was also on several other websites--mostly "male" websites that were saying essentially the same things about men that are said here(and much more). They pretty much helped me to learn how my behaviors CAN and have(in the past) pushed men away and also created certain dynamics in relationships that I never had liked. I also learned what things I need to do "right" in the future if I want a certain type of relationship. I would have NEVER have learned all of these things, or taken the time to learn these things had I not done NC and realized I needed some help understanding where things might have went wrong. So many of my girlfriends have it wrong, and have given me bad advice in the past because they were doing essentially the same defeating behaviors that i was.
Another great thing NC did for me? Helped me to reboost my confidence and become a bit more independent. I was using him as an outlet--someone to vent to, someone to make me feel validated, etc. Anyway I felt myself becoming codependent in the sense that I needed to talk to him a certain amount of days throughout the week to experience the "thrill" or "high" that you get when you're addicted to a particular man. Doing 30 days of NC helped me break this addiction, and develop healthier ways to look inside myself when I'm feeling bad.
NC helped me to work on myself emotionally and physically so that I can attract more men(LOL) and feel more confident about myself. Because again I started to invest more time in figuring out ways to "enhance" myself for more dating opportunities.
Finally Nc helped me gauge if he was truly interested in me or not, and what I've learned is that he is(since he did repeated contacts). I now know that he needs "space"--not a lot even, just enough to help him regroup.
So tomorrow I reach out(lol) and we'll see how it goes. I'm going to use all the tactics I've learned from this site and others and hopefully things will go better--and if not with him with many others.; March 11, 2013 at 3:33 PM
Lady Leo said...: Anon/March 10: Good luck on your reaching out to him. It does sound like he is interested, with his attempts, don't you think? Let us know how it goes.

I like your attitude in not settling for less than what you deserve and why fight this crap. I'm pretty much there as well. It's like ENOUGH already!!

This morning I replied (after waiting 3 days) to the aries guy who waited 3 days to reply to my VM with a text. And just a BS "good morning, how are you" text. That was 6.5 hrs ago, no reply from him. I'm done. This is bullshit. No way do I even want to put forth effort to count the hours/days he waits to contact me. We haven't even spoken a word on the phone and just a few BS texts. Not a cool way to start off communicating with someone. If I do hear from him again, I am going to nip it in the bud with a "lack of initiation on your part shows me non-interest, so good luck to ya". And let him fly off to wherever it is men fly off too when they act like turdsicles.

I;m sitting here wondering why I miss the sag man so much...he has really wonky teeth, ffs and is not really a good looking dude. :(

But....I came to like him. ppffft. Men are stoopit. But at least I got my 27 frigging NC days!!!; March 11, 2013 at 4:06 PM
Lady Leo said...: Ok, 7 hrs later aries man replies saying how good the week is starting out weather-wise.

Oh thrill....we can text about the dumb weather? really? Come on, bro...pick up the phone is you're interested. He must not be so...

So if I wait 7 hrs to reply, that will put me at 11:30 pm. I'll be asleep but I suppose I could set my alarm to wake me up so I can keep mirroring him. LOL. This is a lotta work, innt it? :); March 11, 2013 at 5:19 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Anon March 11.3:33 pm

Congratulations on making it to the big 30!You should be proud of yourself.Everything you mention having gained from it,I am also experiencing.It's day 19 for me and I'm definitely FINALLY overcoming the growing pains.Occasionally I still miss him but it's no biggie.
Absolutely great job on your behalf!How many times has he contacted you in those days?Good luck tapping him tomorrow!

@LeoLady

I miss my Sag too..but it's a light missing now,not some internal physical turmoil,lol.I'm with you dear,we shall make it through.

Are you gonna tap him on day 30?How do you feel about it?

Positive energy for everyone!; March 11, 2013 at 5:57 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Chk61
"... I find it very difficult to play games, act like I don't like the guy, not always be available, not return a call here or there. But acting on my natural, God-given impulses is not allowed in the dating realm and it's the female's job to be mysterious, say no, be somewhat available but just out of reach, always keep the guy on his toes, blah blah blah."

I understand how you feel. I have gone head-first into all my relationships in the past, free expression, responsible sex, etc., because I was/am a strong woman who took care of herself and her family, fought some tough battles, earned the right to stand in front of anyone unashamed of my mistakes, and proud to display my character.

I felt I had every ability and right to express my self in a relationship and in my own personal life and home with a man as I felt them... but, and here's the but... and it's a big BUT... BUT what that got me was not the best men for me. They were "good guys," but not the best men for me.

By holding back, keeping our emotions in check, testing, watching to see if a man's actions align with his words, and walking away if we need to, we are not playing a dating game... we are playing the game of life (quite well, I may add), where we protect ourselves from wasting our precious time and energy (and our life) on people who don't deserve them.

We can like guys, and let them know we like them, but we can't let them have free reign over us, meaning always be available to them and fill their needs before our own.

I can't believe I am just learning this at 50... it is a skill we should all teach our daughters and sons while they are growing up.

I can't tell you how many people have told me in the past that I was "too honest." What they meant is that I was too open, too giving, too believing, too willing.

I don't think holding ourselves back is about holding anything back from someone else or playing a game, it is about holding on to our soul, our secrets and our desires until someone has earned the right to know them.

I think that is what Ms. Mirror has been trying to teach, and what I'm still practicing.

I wish us both luck (and believe we can do this!) :); March 11, 2013 at 6:34 PM
Peter said...: @Gemini50

Thank you, I have made my decision and I wont move from her. She is a fantastic lady who in my view deserves to be pursued, courted and won in all of the right ways. So yes I hope so too, and I will certainly be focusing all of my determination on her.I intend to understand her, really know her and find out what she wants....then give it too her :-)

@ALL LADIES

ok so regarding chemistry and if guys feel it...in my experience yes and no. Sadly I think most of the time it's a "no" in these short fast situations leading up to him disappearing.

1-he may just like the idea of you and relationship
2-he has no concept of what he asks from a lady when he aims to court her this scares him when gets it
3-he wants sex fast and he got into something he was never intending as he was never actualy that interested unless you "put out"
4-sometimes there is just another woman or he may have somethign come up

Mostly I would say it's one of the first 3 because a guy really interested wont let anythign in number 4 hold him back IMO. Unless it really is bad.

What happens in all cases in my experience from 1-3 is that that things advance too fast and he enters into an "emotional" situation. Men process emotions differently and in an insecure/immature man he will look to actively avoid situations like this.

So when he pulls back after you feel the fast intense "chemistry"...that would be him reaching an emotional position he due to any number of 1-3 above. He then can't process the emotions so he avoids it and so leaves you hanging, because these emotions are never what he really wanted from you.Unfortunately at this point you're now emotionally invested.

I can tell you now the fast intense chmistry thing most of the time wont get you the guy. Many men whoe date around will have a few women like this in their dating history.

You can't force deep loving connection/chemistry either in friendship or love. You meet and fall into it.You will either just "know" or you fall into an unexpected situation.The lady in my life now is reaching me on a level that I find is rare in life, she is completely inspirationa and interesting to me in any way I can find.I appreciate everything about her that I've found.I very much believe 100% that I found her, I was directed by something not of my control to her. We have a natural chemistry, NOTHING was pushed, it developed this way all on its own. Let me say it again WE DID NOT SET IT UP LIKE THAT. No one decided to be "friends first", we never saw it coming we just alked as two people. I really am happy for how this situation developed because we are natural together. We can just talk for hours about anything, laugh about anything and theres no gap or end to conversation...time just goes by when we "just talk". THAT is real chemistry or connection when things go like that in those ways. Be open to that and don't force it....let it happen...who knows you may meet someone who perfectly reaches you like I have. She may not know it but I "hear" this lady everytime she speaks.So relax...stay strong and just....let it happen.

Just remember to filter and trust your gut. Look for those red flags. MOA has given you the tools to do the rest :-); March 11, 2013 at 8:22 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks Peter.

I know what you say is true. It just makes me a bit angry that it is usually always the woman's role to slow things down. Occasionally, perhaps as in your case, the male also wants to go slow. So as a woman who hadn't been with a man in almost four years, it was very very difficult for me to slow down with this guy. Now that he is gone, it is my "fault" that it didn't work out.

No one said life is fair. But I actually wonder if he looks down on me because I expressed myself fully and I'm 51 freaking years old! So I'm afraid of running into this guy (my Catholic upbringing doesn't help...) for fear of embarrassment and truthfully, I did nothing wrong!

I did not pursue him. He initiated all of the dates. I did respond to his communication, sometimes I made him wait a day or hours and he usually responded right away.

In retrospect, should I have told this guy I was coming off a long period of celibacy? I was afraid THAT would make him run for the hills. I decided to be like a man and "live in the moment" and just enjoy life. It probably would not have worked out regardless but I guess I'm tired of not being allowed to express myself as a full human being.

Yes, Gemini50... I totally get what you are saying. Holding back and going slow are a way of protecting ourselves. But physical touch and sensuality, while not necessary for life like food, air and water, are pretty high up there on the needs hierarchy. So with this guy, I just kind of went for it. Three years of zilch and here's this guy, and I'm attracted to him and he's attracted to me. First date I passionately made out with him, because I wanted to. Each date was somewhat passionate - but not actual sex - and I did it because I wanted to. It was a risk. Do I regret it? Not totally because I think he would have run or it would not have worked out anyway. He is not over his divorce and definitely NOT over the girlfriend after his divorce. He's out to get laid. Yet do I want to be on my deathbed and look back at 5-10 years of celibacy from 48 onward? No, I would say: I wish I had lived and loved more. So that's what I did.

But I am left feeling like the failure and his disappearing is my "fault" because I failed to perform the role of the female - to slow down and hold back. And yes Mirror, I know you are going to say I'm too hard on myself. Yet men are never cajoled to "slow down", hold back and thus are never held responsible for the demise of a budding relationship. It's usually the woman's fault for being too "easy" and not enough of a challenge. Ugh.

Ya know, "F" him if he didn't like or if he chooses to judge me for it. :-)

I'm done, cooked, 30 days - he blew it and his time is up as of now.; March 11, 2013 at 9:29 PM
Lady Leo said...: @ Sista T:

It's so good to hear your healing in the letting go process. I am too. More days of acceptance rather than in denial and torment. To answer your question, I do not plan to tap him at 30 days. I am just taking it literally one day at a time. I am finding that it is becoming increasingly more important that my value and respect be maintained. When I think about reaching out as if nothing had happened, I just can't betray myself to do that. I'd rather live without him than live with my devaluing myself. It's not so much a pride thing...When I have hurt someone I care for I will absolutely "fall on the sword" and swallow my pride to make amends. I feel he owes me that, at least an apology.

Before this man, there was the scorpio who I was crazy about. He was so non-committal, he did the push-pull, disappear-reappear several times. He was actually somewhat open about it and regretful. His issues were deeply embedded and he was open about them too. But, I never handled it correctly. Always took him back without question. I was very scarred by it, so this time I've learned and I won't repeat that. Funny enough, I told sag about it early on. Guess it wasn't important enough to him to not do it to me :/

@Peter: Thank you for sharing your insight on why a man would disappear. Coming from someone as sensitive and open as yourself, I feel it's truth and gives me comfort. I hope your lady finds her way back to you and soon!; March 11, 2013 at 9:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror:

I have followed your advice to a "T" and I am now approaching date number 8 (tomorrow), one and a half months in. He is now saying things like, "I'm focusing all enregy on you"; "I belive in monogamy"; "Can we get the boys together?" I have not responded... just smiled and changed the subject. (Except that I said it was too soon for the boys to meet...)
Should I say something back? I feel like he wants reasurrance here. It's going very well thanks to all of this advice I have studied for months, here.
And yes, little by litte I've forgotten (almost)about the guy that brought me here in the first place. Sexual chemistry may have been there, but it feels much better to be cared for and treated like a girlfriend. The "slow-burn" chemistry is on and it feels wonderful...

Lonnie; March 11, 2013 at 11:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
yep, you're being hard on yourself again, LOL ;-)

Please dear, stop turning everything onto yourself. You missed the message in what Peter was attempting to convey...he handed you 3-4 different possibilities as to why men behave as they do...and not one of them...not one...was directed at the woman.

He never said those reasons provided were "right" and the woman is "wrong"...what he said there is truth - the way it is sometimes. It doesn't justify the man's behavior...it's just the way it is with some men is all.

And those things are the man's "stuff"...not a woman's. it's a reflection on the man.

Which is why i repeat..constantly..that insecure, immature men - make incredibly shitty lovers, boyfriends and husbands. Their issues and insecurities hold them back and their inability to work through it creates fear..and they retreat.

None of that has anything to do with the woman involved - those men like that behave like that with all women. And the only time men like that end up in a relationship...is because they found a woman willing to settle for that crap treatment.

And then eventually...she dumps him.

It's very necessary to screen and filter men...and it takes time to do that. If you need sexual needs met...they make remedies for that, LOL ;-)

If you want love, intimacy, an emotional connection and passion...it's worth waiting for. Don't confuse it with "lust" - lust is fleeting...love is lasting.

One is instant gratification...one is lasting.

And there are two different paths to reach each destination. So choose wisely ;-)

Cut yourself a break sweetie..this too shall pass. Try to find the value and something positive in a negative situation.

This guy you dated...actually did you a big favor ;-); March 12, 2013 at 12:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonnie,
So glad to hear this ;-)

If you're not ready to have that conversation about the children meeting, then don't. You can give him reassurance in other ways...like your undivided attention, your affection and gratitude, physical warmth, compliments. Have that conversation when you're ready.

I'm so glad you're enjoying the experience of the pace and the treatment you're experiencing right now. You'll never settle for less than you deserve after this...i'm very happy for you ;-); March 12, 2013 at 12:21 AM
virgochick said...: @ MOA, Peter, ladies - anyone!

Ok. Weirdest thing went on this weekend. I been having great time out most nights with friends and I was soooo feeling good after we had a big fight and I told him to stop contacting me. (Really, it got to the point I don't know how many times I had to say it). He lasted 4 days.

I got a message 2 days ago saying he he knows he said he wouldnt talk to me and is finding it hard not being friends (previous msg was thats all he can offer me right now) and that its important to him - sad face.

Firstly Peter/MOA - whats with the "can we be friends" line? He knows how I feel so why continue being in my life? as if I want to be his friend. I just don't understand this whole idea from males.

Interesting cause my gf and the guy she was seeing said the exact same line to her - same day. I joked to her and said, sounds like we were with the same guy. I'll make it clear we weren't lol. But then I thought - HOW many guys are using this one?

He just wont stop. I would be happy if he just left and stopped contacting me. If we do it's 4-5 days before I get the woe is me message from him.

Is this because he still has an attachment or is he still playing me? I just want him to go away because this is making it sooo hard and I know I am letting it get to me but it's as though I cannot break away and I then start thinking from square one all over again that maybe he wont go cause he still has feelings but cant act on it. I don't know but it's taking me 10 steps back each time.

Anyway, I was thinking with the next one I will just say something along the lines of "find someone else, ill be history then"

It's just not fair. I don't need to constantly be reminded that he wants me in his life - oh but only as a friend and he keeps pushing it.; March 12, 2013 at 4:12 AM
Lady Leo said...: Congrats to Lonnie :)

So nice to see so much progress and feelings of accomplishment and self esteem! Keep posting to encourage us!

Day 28 for me. :)

I'm starting to really realize that my former sag man is just broken. That's the term I use for someone who can't function appropriately. Like in "Toy Story", he is a broken toy. He is incapable of doing anything other than he did. And now I know it, I cannot have any expectation he can be any different than he is. So even if he were to return, he wouldn't be any different. So I must be the one to be different and have zero expectations that he would be.

He is nearly identical to the ex scorpio. He knew he was broken, or "f*d up and flawed" as he called it. Yet he craved the comfort and warmth of a woman so he kept coming back. But when the intimacy called, he'd back away. Rinse and repeat. And I allowed it. I won't anymore.

At least the Scorpio was in therapy. People should fix themselves when they're broken. I did and still do through a support group.

It's sad. What a way to live.; March 12, 2013 at 6:45 AM
Peter said...: @Lonnie

I'm happy for you and its good to see you enjoying yourself. Keep us all posted as to how it works out moving forward :-)

@ALL LADIES

Yes a lot of the time in my experience it will be the woman who slows the pace down, and most of the time the reaction I see is one of being rejected. Again it's not your fault how a man handles that.

Quite a few men fail to see that women don't "get into" relatinships the same way. A lot of men assume that how they do it will be how she does it or they just flat out assume that women all reach that point in the same way. They then treat women accordingly. Again not your fault.

So when men hear things like "lets be friends first"..."lets take it slow see where it goes" what they hear is "oh yeah she's blowing me off".Many men don't aim to be friends first they see this as rejection. Some fear friendship with a woman as they believe it's are jection of who they are "why doesn't she want to sleep with me? am I not good enough? what does that guy have that I don't?" Thats how they reason it out. You see again, none of this your fault in any way.

The reality of it is that some women need to be friends first, some can feel good going right into it, some need x amount of dates etc ...all that a man may fail to consider.

There are so many reasons both simple and complex as to why the fault rests with the man. Once a man acts that way though then yes you will on reflection most of the time find that he is doing you a favor here. This guy may be wanting sex, having issue's with insecurity and the list goes on.

@chk61

"Not totally because I think he would have run or it would not have worked out anyway."

I'd treat that as a red flag. If he makes you feel that way, as he obviously did, then he's giving you all wrong feelings. You can already feel he wants to get in and get out. So be happy you picked up on that, it's something you will improve on :-)

"He is not over his divorce and definitely NOT over the girlfriend after his divorce. He's out to get laid."

There you go you confirmed it yourself. He makes you feel that way then you say goodbye. He's using you and taking advantage of you. Yes you may need these physcial situations as well we all do, but don't let men do this to you to get it. This guy is doing you a favor by not being in your life.

"I was afraid THAT would make him run for the hills."

You're not to blame for how he handles anything in your life. It's not yor fault if he can't handle your situation. NO lady should think like that. When a man learns about a woman he is actually being given every chance he needs to show what type of man he is. Its not your fault if he fails to see that.

So trust what you learn from MOA and take the lessons here from this experience. Leave the blame where it should be...with him :-); March 12, 2013 at 7:39 AM
Lady Leo said...: Wow...almost broke NC this morning :/ I was THIS close !! I felt vulnerable I guess. wanted to "tap" him to see if I'd get a reaction. Thank God I talked myself out of it. The only thing that held me back was not having yet reached day 30. So Ive told myself if I want to do it on day 30, (or 31) I can. So I feel I've bought myself a reprieve of sorts.

I also kept remembering the other women who've posted how badly they felt when they broke NC and didn't get the reaction they wanted from the guy. I don't want to be there. I also need to keep remembering HE hurt me and THAT MATTERS!!

Keeping on...one minute at a time.; March 12, 2013 at 11:58 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Lady Leo

So proud of you that you could restrain yourself!I know exactly how that must have developed.You first get that nauseating gut feeling,followed by a rush of excitement and enthusiasm(that makes you feel like he's gonna respond all peachy) and then your slowly headed towards a simulated cardiac arrest.

And then..logic kicks in(cause honestly,WTF can you say to him now?doesn't him not having reached out SPEAK VOLUMES?)..and you slowly pull back,adrenaline levels lower back to normal..and you're sitting there with a nice dry taste of disappointment in your mouth but also calmness.

DAY 20 here.

I feel good.No major anxiety anymore and it's kind of fading away slowly.Him being silent after his first 2 attempts speaks enough for me.I honestly do not need more.At this point I am busy with projects in my life that are dear to my heart.I wouldn't even want to be in a relationship right now as I am buys healing the relationship with my SELF.

@Virgochick

Whenever I used that 'let's be friends' line on men,it is cause I simply was not interested enough.The only time I tried to take the slow pace with a guy,was cause I sincerely liked him but in the long run there was no spark for me.So why do you think he's not using it on you for the same reasons?He wants to have you as an option,without putting in any REAL effort.Are you an option?

It's actually very selfish and immature and I'd tell him to take that load of crap to another doorstep.; March 12, 2013 at 4:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA
I wonder if you can help me. I am meeting my dissappearing man for a drink (after 6 months) he reappeared. We had two months of dating, then he went off the radar. I guess now I was just an option.

Anyhow after reading your blog and listening to your advice, I applied no contact, then I contacted him after 4 months (as I felt ready / confident). Just friendly chit chat, nothing materialised. So forgot about him after that, as felt happy with myself.

Then suddenly, when I had forgotten about him 2 months after the friendly text. 6 months after his dissappearence he texted. I replied two hours later, then suddenly he wanted to go on a date that night which was 8pm??? (so by the time I would have met him if I did agree, would have been 10pm?? (so unlike him, he was never this disrespectful, he always gave me notice). I somehow think he hasnt got anyone else on the scene at the moment, and he may think I am up for free sex.

I said I don't do last minute arrangements, I need more notice. Then he suggested days when he was free last week, I said I was busy last week, and I can do Tues/Wed/ Friday this week.

In the middle of last week, he again texted, saying are you sure you don't have any free evenings this week, I said no, and again, said the same days I was available this week. Come yesterday I received a text saying when he was available this week , & what day did I fancy to meet up, I said Friday evening after work.

Again he texted back and said I can do also Tuesday evening too, (as that was one of the evenings I suggested last week). I said I cannot do Tuesday now, and Friday suits me better.

The problem is I assume he thinks that it is going to lead to free sex after the date. (and continue where we left off in September), I for sure am not going there.

So on the date, what can I say to make it clear to him that I am not interested in having sex after the date...??? As feel he will pressurize me. I think us ladies experience this alot from the men on the first, second date and on and on. What can us ladies say?

(Obviously, I would like to continue seeing him, but won't be having sex), thats if he sticks around, but I'd rather test him out first. Yes, he could do the dissappearing act if he doesnt get sex, but I'd rather he dissappeared without having sex, at least my sanity would be intact.

Also can I tell you something that has happened to me in the last 6 months. I was down for 2 months after he dissappeared, I read the comemnts of your followers every day, plus books on how to deal with these insecure men. Had two internet dates, and really have my confidence back if not more, applying the postive energy and it sure works.

And I am so much more , confident, happier and positive than I have ever been and am not going to let any man ever use me as roadkill again. I have learnt so much from this no contact experience.

Thank you ever so much mirror for your positive, inspirational advice to all us girls. Spread the word girls
x; March 12, 2013 at 5:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Just wanted to give yall a heads up. AFter doing 30 days of NC, I sent out a text to him today(like I was going to). He responded within 5 minutes with a text, and then I waited an hour to respond, to which before I could respond he had sent another... Then I sent a response. He sent another response. Then I waited and sent a final response, etc. He said he been thinking about me and missing me. So far so good. I have to remember to not let emotions rule me this time.; March 12, 2013 at 6:33 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

It seems Virgo and I are in a constant push/pull, and I’m wondering if it ever ends.

He is, at times, getting worse at trying to put me in my place, and be lazy, but I’m not deferring from my path. Then, at times, he shows he “gets it,” and acts like the man I am looking for.

Example: This past Friday he had another guy friend over for dinner, and sure enough, again, I didn’t get a response after I txt him a pic of something I found @ store (he said I wouldn’t be able to get it).

Saturday AM, he txt me a response to the pic, I didn’t respond. I had things to do, and didn’t feel a need to respond. He text me a couple hours later, “Hi honey.” I respond a couple hours later w/chit chat before family arrived at my house.

Virgo text me a couple times, but I didn’t respond until family left. I asked him to send me a joke because I needed it after my drama-filled mother left — ugh! Virgo calls, we chit chat a little, I have to go soak in the tub to wash the earlier drama off.

On Sunday, Virgo texts me a generic, ‘good morning.’ I do the same. We both have things to do; one of mine is to wash the cat from skunk spray – again, ugh! Then mid-afternoon Virgo texts me, “Hello darling,” (gosh, I love that), and I text I was having a tough day trying to clean smell off of back porch.

We go back/forth about how to get rid of the skunk then Virgo txts > Move your ass.

Me (surprised) > Move my ass? Lol I have been trying to clean this stuff. Outside, will get house phone.

Virgo> Phone broken

I’m thinking his phone is broken, so I call him first and ask, “Is your phone broken?”

Then a txt comes in from him> You call my ass

BINGO! I get it now. We are back to this again -- him wanting me to call him. He won that one, but now I’m aware for ‘next time.’

And ‘next time’ happened (the next) last night.

Cont...; March 12, 2013 at 6:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
I haven't received the rest of your comment yet, but I can already see what he's doing, LOL.

It's a battle for power dear.

HE feels the need for POWER over you. And he's fighting tooth and nail to get it. And have you noticed something here? Because I have, LOL ;-)

THIS HAPPENS EVERYTIME HE'S SPENT TIME WITH A MALE FRIEND.

He's complaining to friends about his lack of power over you and they're advising him to push and lay down the law. . .so he can then wield his power over you - by ignoring you - just like he did that night his friend was over.

They did that on purpose that night and it's all turning into a power play here and a battle for "whose going to be in charge" because sadly, it appears he's not willing to compromise and he's resentful he's being forced to prove himself here.

Very unfortunate and as much as I hate to say this - it's not a good sign.

This time dear - you may want to consider disappearing on him :-(

It might be time for 30 days of "POOF" from you. Because he's attempting to push you around.; March 12, 2013 at 6:44 PM
Gemini 50 said...: But first a side bar: Yesterday AM my vehicle wouldn’t start, and guess who I start thinking about? Scorpio! Because Scorpio is a mechanic on side… and these little things seem to be happening that keep pushing me to contact him, but I haven’t.

Anyway, while waiting for AAA, and lamenting about Scorpio, I write about Virgo’s wknd behavior on your blog, but it won’t take. I end it saying, “I HATE car problems, it's when I become desperate for a "hero" to come take care of everything. I can picture "him" right now, flying in to fix my car problems, save the day.... Hey Universe! I hope you are on my side!!”

And when the cute tow truck driver kid comes 10 mins later, he was so sweet. He was aware enough to see my distress. He asks kindly, “what’s wrong?” I say “it won’t start.” He says “let me take a look.” I say, “my neighbor was here, you aren’t going to be able to get it going.” And guess what? The little shit turns the key and it starts – he thinks I just flooded the gas line. The Universe heard me… Dave was my hero for the day yesterday (wish he was 20 yrs older and 6” taller lol). And I am so happy I didn’t react emotionally and contact Scorpio!!!

Ok, back to Virgo. I was also texting Virgo my car problems, and I know he was frustrated that he wasn’t with me to fix it. I let him know it was fixed and went to work. I didn’t get an IM from him at all during the day, and that was fine.

Virgo text me at night > U home

Based on his behavior this wknd, I felt a need to pull back a little and didn’t feel like answering him right away.

15 minutes later Virgo> Hello dear (lol, he’s learning that sweet words work on me). But I still didn’t feel like responding yet.

An hour later Virgo> Ok I’m pissed

I know perfectly well what he’s trying to do, but I’m not going to let him do that to me. So I play by my rules. After five minutes I respond > What’s wrong?

Virgo> Are u home

Me> Yep, just got in a few (notice I don’t say minutes, or hours? I keep reminding myself I don’t have to answer to him.)

Virgo> Call

Me> Sure (I know this is same as wknd directive, but nope, I don't jump. So he calls.)

Cont...; March 12, 2013 at 6:56 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Cont #3

I ask Virgo what he’s pissed about, but he wants to talk about my car. So we discuss that, and then I ask him again about his “pissed” comment. He tries to blow it off, but I push in a matter of fact manner. He said he doesn’t like it when he can’t get a hold of me, and said, “I wanted to get a reaction from you.”

UGH! Do these guys EVER grow up?

I explained that I had gone grocery shopping after work. I also asked him how he would feel if I would have had a little hissy-fit on him Friday night after he didn’t respond to my txt. (Ahh, I could hear the bells ringing for him.) He said he understood and wanted to drop it.

Nope. I also asked him if this would be his behavior if we were to be together as a couple. He said it would not, that I didn’t have to worry about that. He said it’s just that for the first time in his life he has felt like this, and it’s hard for him to be patient when he wants to talk/see me (less than 3 wks to go til he’s here).

I didn’t ask him to explain what he meant, but wanted him to know I heard him. I said he needs to learn to control it because I’m not one to be tamed or controlled. He said he “got it,” but we’ll see.

This is more filtering and watching. And I want to be clear: This is NOT controlling him or the relationship… it’s making decisions for myself. And what a change this behavior is for me.

In the past, I would have jumped at his txts (especially the one about being pissed). I would have felt terribly BAD about making HIM feel bad, and I would have put myself in a weak position by apologizing and giving him the power to walk all over me.

I would have felt he was justified if he continued to act poorly because I deserved it for not doing what was “right” and making him wait unnecessarily, and I probably would have obsessed over what he meant by “first time he has felt like this…” (oh boy, what does he meeeean by “that?”)

Nope, nope, nope, nope, and nope.

Virgo text me after our call > Ty

Me> ??

Virgo> For being u

So Ms. Mirror, do these guys ever stop their tantrums?

And as I write this, I think of another question with a little bit of whining -- and the answer pops in my head just as fast from somewhere (??)and with a quick little slap to the nogg’n.

Q: When do I get to stop doing ALL THIS WORK? (whine) lol

A: Never! (nogg’n slap) And we are learning the reason for that answer. When we stop doing the work, we give up our power to control our lives and our destiny. Hmmm… good answer.

I hope that the good news is that the “work” gets easier with practice, and becomes second nature so it won’t feel like work at all, it will just be.

CHEERS!

p.s. And to keep myself real, I want to share, this all sounds real good but I haven’t got it down yet either because -- I still miss Scorpio!! (nogg’n slap!) lol; March 12, 2013 at 7:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"Mirror, do these guys ever stop their tantrums?"

LOL, well. . .yea, they do. But nothing comes for free dear. There's a cost to reach that point with a man like that and the cost is time, patience and a true desire to be with that person.

He's suffering an internal battle right now and he's struggling with the reality of that. Once he loses it, he then becomes embarrassed of his actions and withdraws, which is why he avoids discussing it.

He's not a bad man, he's just got some "stuff" going on right now (emotions) that he's having trouble processing. And he's also got some caveman friends giving him really bad advice (advising him that the way to gather power here is to make you feel insecure, worried and anxious) and regretfully, at times he's listening.

But your ability to NOT get emotional with him makes him accountable for HIS behavior here. Because had you gotten emotional, it would've handed him an EXCUSE to blame YOU (avoiding his stuff). He would've been able to say, "She's nuts, that's why this is happening. She gets all emotional and I can't take it. It's not my fault, it's hers."

But when you don't do that - he has NO EXCUSE. It becomes his "stuff" and he's forced to acknowledge that.

Which is why he thanked you for being you. He's fully aware of what's taking place here and he thanked you for not getting emotional and for remaining strong and supportive of him ;-)

If you really care for him, you'll have the patience to work through this with him. If you don't, it won't be worth it to you.

So in this case, rather than it being the man's level of interest that's going to tell the tale. . . it's actually going to be YOUR level of interest that tells the tale.

Quite a role reversal, huh, LOL ;-); March 12, 2013 at 7:17 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,
I think you are right w/your 6:44 comment.

Unfortunately, I can't totally poof as he'll be here in 3 weeks... but I will lay back and keep my eyes open, and if he acts like a jerk when he's here, I will toss the money I spent on my ticket to go out there in May to the wind, and will not look back again.

thanks again! When I went to see therapist last yr, he talked about testing before giving, and I said "I got it," but I didn't really.

Your information, and the stories shared here, connected the dots... thank you!; March 12, 2013 at 7:22 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,

Yes, I do care for Virgo, very much so. I want him to be happy and live a wonderful life. As I've said before, he is a good man, and we were such good friends for 7 yrs prior to us starting a long distance relationship -- which he pursued for all those years w/me btw.

And there's a couple things going on here for me: First, I'm not sure I can, or want to, or if I am the person to, help Virgo w/his issues. He has some pretty deep stuff which he relates to his military experiences and 'war,' as well as from a very bad marriage he stayed in until his kids were out of school.

And, second, I've got my own stuff I've put the work in to fix: trust issues. In a post months ago, you had mentioned the "over compensation of trust" by adults who were abused as children. I understood that, and the reasons why.

But, in contradiction to what the adult survivor is hoping for, trusting zealously, without testing and filtering, sets one up to be disappointed too easily by those who have not yet earned the right to be trusted.

Once I've been hurt by someone, a switch just turns off in me (learned disassociation). It's not a thought-out or purposeful action from me, it just happens... what once was, is no longer... kind of like the abuse: Who I thought the person was, was torn to hell. My whole life was torn to hell, nothing ever again could be believed from anyone.

I am aware of it, I've worked on it for a whole lot of years. I try forgiveness, but something still just ends. (Not forgiveness for my childhood abuser, nor of anyone who abuses children -- those bastards can rot in hell, or rather, be shot in the head with one simple little $1.00 bullet).

I don't wish harm or revenge on those who have hurt me from their own non-malicious choices for themselves where I just ended up with the short end of the stick; I've just never been able to go back to the place with them before I was hurt.

I've accepted it, and consider that the tools my therapist tried to share with me, and the examples and information given here will help me in more ways than just dealing w/disappearing men.

This practice will help me test before I trust so that I am better likely to experience successful relationships in all avenues of my life, rather that poor, untested and unfiltered, ones.

But back to Virgo and where we're at. I haven't heard from him tonight. No text, no call -- the first in forever on a work night. I know he's waiting for me to call him. The fact that I won't call him first has really become a thorn in his side... I don't get it, but right now I don't feel like I have to.

I honestly don't know what will happen with us... when we connect, we connect on the deepest level of mature caring adults I have ever experienced. But when he goes back to his Neanderthal behavior (Neanderthal is his word), my level of interest, as you put it, eases, and I just want to take a step back, let things roll along and see what he does.

I appreciate your input, Ms. Mirror, and our conversation, thank you.

(and sorry to everyone else for monopolizing the space tonight) HUGS!; March 12, 2013 at 9:09 PM
Lady Leo said...: Thank you Sista T' for your support ((hug)). I am SO glad I denied myself the instant gratification I sought in wanting to text him. Im proud that I fought through my EMOTIONS to act with LOGIC instead. Yay me!

In reading Gemini50's encouraging and inspiring success, it reminds me yet again just how we can build our value and esteem back up and THEY will be forced to respect it. I so enjoyed reading how the virgo got his man hairs all ruffled when he felt he lost control. Great job at handling it.

I found this video quite helpful:

"Why does he pull away and act distant"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcbEajjavy4

Serves as another reminder of Aphrodite's continued education on his to react to the distance and disappearance.

Good stuff!!; March 12, 2013 at 9:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
One thing to take note of here, for you to observe, is his "unwillingness" right now. Dont get caught up in his ego issues, but pay close attention, read between the lines here, and really see what this is telling you.

And im not pointing this out because hes a bad guy. Im pointing it out for you to gain skills of close observation. Hes having an ego battle right now, for power and control. Thats ego, thats selfish needs. The ego is hungry, its a little bruised right now...so hes seeking to "feed" it.

You take the high road here, rise above it. Let him take that low road on his own.

Im not saying end it, im simply saying...its not "yours" to carry. Which is what women have a tendency to do. So you be there to support him, but you also stay far enough removed so that you dont get sucked in and come out missing a limb because his ego needed fed ;-)

So this is an opportunity to observe a mans willingness to make you happy. He knows that him pursuing you makes you happy, makes you feel good about yourself and valuable. It lifts you up and supports you. If he was willing to make you happy, thats what hed do. And in return, he would receive your attention, affection and support. He would feel valuable and happy.

But instead, hes fighting all of it, fighting the emotions, fighting to give in and becoming "unwilling."

Pay attention to stuff like this ladies. It speaks volumes.

Again, im not saying to leave or saying hes a bad guy. Im simply saying...learn what to pay attention to, practice skills of observation, keep yourself grounded and stable and recognize this for what it is.

Stay calm and open and with time and space, he should be able to pull out of this. Hes working on himself, hes just struggling right now. Support him, but dont make his stuff your problem.

The more you "take in" now, the more information you absorb through observation..the better informed youll be when it comes time to make a decision later on down the line :-); March 12, 2013 at 10:07 PM
Lady Leo said...: Day 29 here. Still feeling "texty", especially in the morning. I think that stems from our prior communication history: always contacting each other first thing in the morning. Habit, I guess.

Determined to make it to 30.; March 13, 2013 at 7:07 AM
Venus said...: Hi ladies...I have been away because I was not taking NC really well. I did called him day before and he did not answer, then I called again and again and again and sent him a text that I cant let you be mad at me please talk to me..he came over to where I work for like 15 mins.. he was very very upset and said I can't have you with all this not talking to me whenever you want and then talking to me whenever you want. If you have problem with me then talk to me, don't ignore my calls and text, I hate it when you do that and its very disrespectful. I understand when you reply late and you know when I reply late is because I am busy and yes sometimes I get very occupied and I go busy for 2-3 days but that does not mean that I am ignoring you. You are always on my mind. And I told you on holidays it will be difficult for me to call you because I will be with family which is huge (it was reunion). I couldn't argue more. I was just so happy that we are back together. I have promised him and he has promised me that we will never intentionally disconnect from each other again. Ever since then we have exchanged several messages and we are speaking as and when we can. I am not sure if I did right or wrong but we both are much relieved.. NC was really not for me.; March 13, 2013 at 7:11 AM
Kay said...: @ Anon 6:33
Well isn’t that exciting, some of us are happy and slightly jealous ;) Just guard yourself, feel him out. Don’t let him swoop right in and end up back here for the same reasons. Keep us posted!

Oh BB, you sure know how to keep my fucking mind on you, JERK FACE! This is a guy who hardly ever commented or liked any of his friends stuff, I mean nothing. Well one of our female friends in common (who is taken) posts on fb a few times a day. I like and comment on her stuff because she’s my friend, she’s funny and I actually like her stuff. Well she posted “why am I such an idiot??????’. I was the second person to comment and said “we all have those days, cheer up!”. A guy friend liked my comment, and then BAM BB liked her post. He was the first to like it so his name showed right up. He did that shit on purpose. He hasn’t liked any of her stuff in months (I like most of her stuff and rarely comment). The other day I was this [ ] close to sending him a text. I hate having weak moments, but thank god I didn’t cave. Perhaps he’s feeling the stab to his ego since my BFF hasn’t accepted his friend’s request? It’s like he keeps bonking me on the head with that same damn ball but he’s not man enough to actually text or call like a grownup.; March 13, 2013 at 7:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
I know you feel very relieved right now, but I fear this may be short lived. So don't be surprised if he starts taking you for granted and treating you poorly again in the near future.

Because now he knows he has the power to do that...and that you won't leave him if he does.

So just be prepared for that because it may happen.; March 13, 2013 at 10:44 AM
Lady Leo said...: Have to agree with Aphrodite on the idea that the man knows he has power over Venus. This is where I never want to be again.

Kay: LOL your BB is getting to you via FB manipulation. Oh how many times I've "liked" or commented or posted a status update in the hopes *someone* would know I'm flucking with them. Don't bite, just sit back and know your NC is working :)

I've been so close to texting this man, I'm kinda worried. :/ Got to keep busy and keep remembering I don't want to feed his crappy behavior. I AM awesome and what he did to me was shit, so he must suffer!! LOL (evil grin).

I'm newly talking with a few guys from the dating site. they seem to think I am just lovely :~) so I will play with them to distract my mind.; March 13, 2013 at 11:09 AM
Venus said...: Hi Mirror,

I fear that too. I think I will worry now whenever he goes missing in action.; March 13, 2013 at 12:04 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Leo Lady

Take it easy,you are almost there.

I am day 21 NC.I am so consumed with this 5 day fitness plan/work/personal stuff,that I barely have time to think of him.But yes I still do.Like I found myself being so happy today about something and just wanted to share that with him,since we both have that in common.

I'm now gathering all these happy moments and occasionally it makes me feel sad I can't share them with him.But overall,I feel blessed.Also,I realised that even if we were on speaking terms still,I'm nowhere near ready to be in a relationship.I am a work in progress so me being involved would have just set me off my course and distracted me and probably further broken me.I've childhood issues to deal with and I'd like to reach a place of complete serenity-only then can I share my joy with another human being.

What also struck me is that being so close to day 30NC made me think of what then?Well I know now I will not be the first to reach out EVER AGAIN.So if this means another 30 days,60,90,I won't even count after 30 anymore.His time will have expired.This was my gift to me.

Leo Lady I suggest you do the same.He was rude to you and he hasn't reached out.I know you won't feel good reaching out,it will feel as if you're lowering your self esteem again.

In my case,I seriously don't even know what to say.The dude could himself ask what was wrong but it appears I wasn't worth more than 2 attempts.Big ego?Insecurity?RED FLAGS?Don't have time for that ish now.

On another note,another guy is chatting me up on FB.Seems good looking so probably successful with the ladies and guess what?I'm not asking him one question about him.He initiated all our convos and after just a day he said 'you don't ask anything about me!'...well excuse me,but you were the one who wanted to know me and I'm still figuring out if you're worth my time LOL.

He said 'oh,you're different'

YOU BET I AM KNOB HEAD!lol And guess what?He's still asking questions,some silly and stupid but he keeps pushing towards convos.

@MOA Proud to be your student!HUGS!

@Venus

I'm actually curious to see how your story turns out.Keep us posted!Take care of yourself!; March 13, 2013 at 2:37 PM
Anonymous said...: So I made it to 30 days of NC on Monday. Reached out to the guy yesteday, he responded within seconds and we pretty much talked all night--I did make sure not to respond so quickly when he would send texts, and to make him wait a bit, I also tried to remain somewhat mysterious. I could definitely tell that he had missed me and was much more curious about my life than he ever had been. I do think I may have let my emotions get beside me though because I was happy to be talking to him again. He admitted he hadn't been dating anyone(I asked him if he had met anyone new) because he was so busy with work and school. I messed up though because I told him that I was kind of glad that he hadn't been dating anyone, to which he responded "I know rite"

Anyway I now realized that I need to not say things like that in the future(things that let him think that I'm stuck on him, or that hint that I'm not dating anyone). But I look at it as a temporary setback. I didn't send him another message after he sent the "I know rite". And I am not going to call or text him again until he calls or text me first--to which depending on what he text or when he calls I may or may not answer.

I'm still feeling pretty good and am satisfied overall with the conversation me and him had yesterday.

I'm giving him plenty of space as well.; March 13, 2013 at 4:11 PM
Anonymous said...: MIRROR OF APHRODITE YOU ARE AMAZING!!!

I live in Manchester, England and since have found your site a couple of days ago I have been GLUED to it since! I can't tell you or thank you ENOUGH for your threads - you have helped so many women; all those who posted comments and countless more who have read your wonderful, insightful and empowring articles. I want to send you a huge bunch of flowers! By giving us all coping mechanisms to deal with such raw pain when we are floored by 'abandonment' (as thats sure how it feels) you have really really helped us all immeasuably just to function in daily lives without being reduced to a crumbling mess, and words can't express the kind of gratitude you deserve for this kind of help. Truly, you are an inspiration and I hope you are proud of your work...

My story began five months ago from a Taurus I met online. I am a Leo (bad match?). I was guarded as my last relationship was emotionally abusive and had empowered myself to get away from him/eductaed myself on teh topic and came out much stronger. After being single a year I went on a date with A we will call him and we were hooked. Chemistry was there and he charmed teh pants off me. The volatile ex found out, tried to take my three year old girl and threatened to pretty much dismember me (charming) even though we'd split a year previous. Mr. A stood by me while i stood u against teh abuse, while I went to court and had my daughter all teh time instead of her being at her dad's every weekend (I had not wanted to introduce him to her until we were a lot further along and was careful that she just tought of us as friends). To top things off I ended up pregnant which was totally an accident (we were very very careful it was a complete freak, believe me). He was happy to stand by mne even thoug we had only been together two months and when I lost it, he was there fo r me too. I was heartbroken to say the least but he was very supportive and said we could try again when teh time was right.
I managed to bounce back from all of this and my toddler is back at her dad's every other weekend, which was giving us a chance to get back to how we were at last. There was once when we had a tiff a few months ago I told him to leave me alone (not long after lost baby) which am sure as you know in 'hormonal women speak' means please come and give me a hug. I tried to get hold of him teh next day and he ignored my calls for 24hrs. I went a bit bonkers calling him names and stuff then apologising - I was understandably emotional after what had happened. I let the 'disappearng act' go that time, as, as he quite rightly said, I had initiated it by pushing him away.
Fast forward two months to next freeze out, which is when he tells me we cant go to my Aunties once again (we ve cancelled due to illness, other commitments etc three times) as he had promised to look after his sisters cat. I hung up on him and sent few angry texts - then like an idiot apologised - but he froze me out again for another 24hrs.
Having been in a relationship that was abusive am aware how toxic this is to women - its abusive and controlling and is essentially saying - you are not worthy of my attention, The worst thing you can do to a naughty dog is not scold it - its ignore it...; March 13, 2013 at 4:56 PM
Anonymous said...: So now we come to this weekend. Mr. A by the way has truly bent over backwards for me in every way he can - he has bought me flowers, texts sweet every day, given my little girl his WII and bought her games, given me a KINDLE , truly the list goes on even little things liek help me with work etc etc. He has spent almost every weekend at mine for five months. I had Christmas at his mum's (I explained I had no family in this country and this was big deal for me as I didnt want to get too attached if we were not serious, but he wanted me to go) and I really thought all was amazing/have been really on cloud nine.
Last few weekends we ahve tried ot set up romantic date in teh place we first met. First he was too late from work, next my little girl got chicken pox, then he cancelled again due to huge roject due in. he is under a lot of pressure at the moment as he has a high commitment IT job that is undergoing a 'shake up' at end of this month. ) so even though it was really important to us to send soem romantic time away from my flat ( he almost always comes here as mine is bigger and he lives about half hour drive away) where i KNOW have been 'giving myself' to him (ie cooking for him etc )it hasn't materialised. Having read your articles I have been making myself too available, too....
Anyway have been feeling more and more insecure after the last 'silence treatment', the lack of quality time and all the things that have been generally getting in the way. He seemed a bit less keen/not as forthcoming with txts too - though that may be down to work demands...
This weekend just gone was Mother's Day on teh Sunday here in teh UK. So although we didnt manage to get out on teh Fri for our date as he had work, Mr. A offered to pick me up take me all teh way back to where he lives for a Mother's Day meal with his mum and sisters then we drove back to mine. He had also taken me to luch that day and all was wonderful...
We were cuddling on teh sofa and then for some STUPID REASON I STILL CANNOT FATHOM, I asked him if he found my best frind attractive. He said yes she s an attractive girl but he was with me. I know she fancies him and has flirted with my exes in teh past, and I started getting angry as I thought she had been flirting with him a bit a few times previous. I saked him if he d have sex with her if I wasnt on the scene then and he said YES PROBABLY IF HE WAS DRUNK ENOUGH. I got angry and he said, 'I am just being honest!' WHAT kind of tactless answer but then I started it I guess?? Then i said he was making things difficult between us now - how could I trust them in a room together? ANd he said that I should trust him (which I do - its just her I dont even though I still love her to bits she has a weakness for men). Anyway long story short he got up and walked out calmly, even though after my rant I tried to apologise and explain , saying 'you need to think about what comes out of your mouth.' Then I saud, 'you need to think before you LEAVE!' (as he knows I ahve told him him blanking me out is very bad for teh relationship) - but he still drove home at one am.
I was meant to be scattering my mother's ashes with him that day and when I awoke without him here I was an emotional wreck. His hone and wallet were here so I sent him a cold email saying I d leave them outside for him to collect when he wentto teh football game (I live near the Manchester United ground and he was watching teh match later on Sunday afternoon). Then I sent him a longer one saying his behaviour was cole and cruel - he know s am not erfect still get the odd bout of insecurity after the abusive relationship, I was sorry but his behaviour leaving me alone on Mother's Day was far worse blah blah. Essentially I said its not ok to walk out - if u need space to cool off fine, but at lkeast tell them so to end the needless suffering. I said I wasn't putting up with being frozen out anymore.; March 13, 2013 at 5:04 PM
Anonymous said...: He was BRUTALLY cold wiht me/ knowing full well I was off to scatter mums ashes and very uset. He said where will my stuff be, I aske dif we could talk, he said he had no interest in talking to me just leave his phone and wallet in teh porch. I said are we over and he said , well you dont trust me so where else do you see this going?'
I said I d leave teh stuff in teh porch but stupidly came down to hand him his phone and wallet, in the hopes he would talk to me and I could get some kind of reassurance or closre. But no - he snatched them out of my hand saying 'top one' and was gone.
To say I was devastated does not even begin to cut it - I was in tears all day . He knew how hard I find Mother's Day but was so incrediblky cold and calculated and distant. My last email to him was 'you must truly hate me to do this to me today of all days.'
I made the c;lassic mistakes of being too open/emtional and also irrational. But its my time of teh month and a crazy thing popped into my head and all I did was express it. I have bene very strong through everything - am now being told I cant have a momentary lapse of being human without you walking out the door? Yes my emails were prob a gush of emotion he didnt want eitehr - but my gosh it was an emotional day for me anyway and guess what I am HUMAN!
Well now am really questioning all. Has he been slowly going off me? maybe he has another woman lined u and this was the excuse he needed to end it for good? is it even over? Is this another abusive controlling man?
I ahve abandonment issues anyway from my father leavign as a child then my mum assing on - I really need a man who is stable mature and ABLE TO HANDLE just a bit of emotion. I cant be expected to tread on eggshells/never be emotional in front of my partner, can I Mirror of Aphrodite?

I cant and WONT put myself through having to tread on eggshells to try and be the perfect partner; I need ot be accepted for who I am which is human !

To finalise at long last - (and I do apologise for lengthy post am just at wits end here) I have not been in touch since he collected his wallet and phone. He set up a facebook account just for us which he deleted once in a previous row (childish) so I used your mirroring advice and deleted him first. I also deleted my google account so i cant see when he is online or not (he was my only contact in it so not overly drastic). I have not heard a THING out of him and althoug have been trying to keep strong and focused with my teaching/swimming and on my little girl, i already miss him like mad and have been in tears for few days. AM getting angry now - as the cycle goes - and probably rather stupidly just reactivated my account on teh dating site we once met on. I hate games but as you say , all is fair in love and war. I even added a comment on my dating profile saying - EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE MEN STEER CLEAR...
An old suitor tracked me down immediately.; March 13, 2013 at 5:07 PM
Anonymous said...: So my question to you dear Mirror of Aphrodite - do you think I ought to go on a date with an old suitor in the next two weeks, if Mr.A keeps up the silent treatment?
I am dying to text Mr. A but have been following yur advice to the tee. It will so SO bad for my self-esteem if he never get s in touch again. He prob feels bad now /doesnt know what to say or could well not give a damn. Or he could have moved on be with a new woman for all I kmow. Its teh NOT KNOWING that kills us, right ladies?
I ve been through so much and jus really need some stability - I dont want some guy who will just appear and disapear athe minute he hears something he doesnt like. Its not good for my little girl either (even though have been carefulk to keep contact to a minimum I need ot think long term)
Is he controlling /abusive or is he just being a tyical Taurus? Or do you think he has moved on and I ll never hear again? In which case am I NEVER allowed to even send one text in liek a MONTH saying I ve moved on and can I fwd his things?
Please, please advise me oh wonderful Mirror of Aphrodite - am so trying to be strong and trying to remain empowered and positive, but I do really love the guy still. I know hes not worthy if he doesnt get back - I just wonder if you think he will???

I am a strong, confident, sexy adn intelligent woman most of the time - but it seems crazy if you just let a slight bit of insecurity or emotion out its such a turn off? Then you end u feeling so rejected, sad and confused - its just downright cruel.

I would be truly greateful for any advice you may be kind enought to offer , and taking all your advice very much to heart/hanging off every word as you truly have a powerful insight and once again thank you FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART for all teh help you have offered to me and thousands others through you r fantastc articles and posts already . very mush hoping to hear back as I don't know how much longer I can handle this state of limbo! :( xxx
PS have you ever thought of writing a book by the way? I teach Creative Writing have a Masters in it and you have a truly unique and talented writing style. Your fresh approach and obviously informed/intelligent approach is very engaging - and I think it would benefit so many !!! :)

And sorry again - I know this post almost IS a book ! but felt the context/background of story was important xxx; March 13, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Anonymous said...: PPS - He has two girls that he dated on POF online that he kept as friends or a 'fanclub' as you have explained is typical Taurian behaviour too - am worried he ll just run back to them now at weekends or has been on closer touch than he admitted, hence him so quick to walk ? Ridiculous I know - if he does then we were never as close as I thought - I really thought I had found The One and after all my heartache I just need to be stable - either with him or wothout him. I am gaining strength and insight from all this - mainly through all your fantatsic posts and articles! A mistake is only a mistake unless a lesson is learned...

Am just so utterly, utterly flabbergasted by his behaviour. Ninety percent of teh time we were great and he was nothing short of amazing! Then suddenly - cold, cruel and .... left totally hanging and utterly confused. I cant help but keep tryign to come up with explanations - simply because he has not bothered to offer me one!

Its almost a form of mental torture if you allow it to be... key is to keep busy so weekend planned with my girl-friends ahead so that will distract me from thinking of him/empower me even more. And then next weekend that possible date?

:) xxx; March 13, 2013 at 5:40 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

Thank you. I didn't quite understand your advice in your final post last night, but have been thinking about it.

This AM, Virgo could see on the computer that I marked my time for a meeting block, so he txts me > morning.

My meeting hadn't started yet, so I was able to respond (and I was thinking of your advice not to get sucked into his stuff)> Hi sweety. Hope you got some good rest last nite. (He had mentioned yest that he was tired during the day.)

Virgo> thx

Then after my mtg, he IM'd me on computer> thanks for thinking of me

Now, I'm trying to be super observant as you suggest, and see that this comment can be taken two ways: it can be sarcastic to the fact that I didn't contact him last night after he had told me he was tired during the day, or it could be a response to my text.

Me> Hope you are feeling better.

Virgo> Yes, I am (then he talked about something he had to deal with first thing this AM w/work) adding, "I took care of it."

Me> U r the man! :)

Virgo> From Mars (he keeps referencing the Men/Mars, Women/Venus book to me -- I told him about it when he had asked about my change of behavior.)

Me> yep, and women are from Venus (with a heart)

Then he tossed out a few easy going comments, we went back and forth for about a 1/2 hr, then no more contact from either of us.

I don't understand what he's going through as you explain, but I can see how it affects him and how his behavior towards me changes.

I could/can feel myself today getting a little scared and wanting to rush after him as I feel him pulling away... but I'm not going to.

I can feel my own ego wanting to confront him, to let out my frustration, my need to quell my fear over his behavior, but I'm not going to.

Being aware of my own feelings, I can better understand your advice for me not to take on his stuff.

This is a very interesting process for me. In the past, I would just shut down and I would be done. But right now, I am not judging, I am not taking his stuff on, I have not put my selfworth in his hands. I am on the sidelines, watching what he's doing and ready to engage if he chooses to get himself out of whatever is going on in his head.

Super interesting. Thank you lady! :)

Oh, he's just txt > U home

Me> Yes dear

Virgo> U calling

Me> R u?

Virgo> Butt

Holy shix, this is a real stand off! lol

He waited a few minutes, then called. gotta go! Hugs to all!; March 13, 2013 at 6:03 PM
Lady Leo said...: Made it 29 days :~) And I am happy and grateful that I accomplished this. It has been a true valuable learning experience. I regret none of it. Including the text I sent him today.

It was like having a burp that just wouldn't come out, my wanting to send the text, that is. Why did I send it? Because we have a new pope! Watching the exciting event of announcing Pope Francis today I felt the need to send a prayer for the Pope to sag man, who is a devout Catholic (as am I catholic)and with whom we have had many God discussions. It was just a common bond thing that I guess just pressed a button on my soul.

So I send the brief prayer and nothing more. He replied two hours later with "amen". Which is exactly what I expected. lol.

I will admit that my ears warmed up when I saw the reply. Maybe anxiety, I suppose. I have no desire to continue contact. I wish to move on past him and I feel now a relief.; March 13, 2013 at 7:03 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Lady Leo,
Please keep us posted after your text today to Sag. I am very interested to see what happens next. :)

@Peter,
I think I've read from you that you have a military background. Do you know of any books to help civilians understand the effects of the military on those who have served? Virgo is retired AF Reserves 40 yrs. thx

@Ms. Mirror,
I think I am overcompensating kindness to Virgo's acting out, and doing it w/intentional purpose, rather than desire to sway anything. I understand your explanation of guys wanting to find an excuse to blame the woman for being "crazy," because I was in that spot @ 20 w/x-husband... I think he used your exact words 30 yrs ago. lol

What I find interesting is Virgo's sharing more about his military experiences, and wanting to tell me things. Not bad stuff, just stuff (although he has mentioned things a couple times that led me to believe he has issues w/his time in Vietnam). Tonight he said when I go back out there in May he wants to show me more of his pictures, and tell me more stories. I told him I'd like that, and also I'd like us to make our own stories. (He seemed to appreciate that.)

He clearly wanted to spar when he first called, but I didn't bite. I didn't bring up his "Butt" text, and just acted like I was very happy to hear from him. At the end of our call, I thought about what you said, and wanted to make sure he did understand how much I appreciated him calling, so I thanked him.

He said jokingly, "Hey, I'm the man," and I responded that I liked it and it made me feel special. I said it, and won't repeat it again, but wanted to make sure he knew so I can clearly see if he chooses to take the action to make me happy or if he continues the fight.

I also want to ask you about Scorpio's txt last week. Is sending his new phone number at 11:00 at night a "tap?" And what is a tap's intended result? He knows that I would be sleeping at that time of night, so no chance he would receive an immediate response.

I'm glad I haven't responded to Scorpio, and am thinking I might at day 30. Not sure... and I don't feel I need to be sure either.

Just trying to understand it all, and hold my own. ;) thx!; March 13, 2013 at 9:22 PM
chk61 said...: @anyone who makes it to 30 days and then immediately contacts the guy: I don't think that's what it is all about, what Mirror is teaching here. It's not like 30 days are up, now you have carte blanche to contact the guy. Certainly if you do, there is nothing WRONG with that....but it's not a contest, to see how long you can last. I think at 30 days it is important to sit with yourself quietly and ask yourself truthfully: what is the benefit of contacting this guy? Did he really make me feel good or did he fill me with angst, confusion and sad feelings? Why would I want to contact someone who made me feel this way? Will I feel stronger if I stay in full no contact? The answer to that last question is usually: YES.

Without knowing the ins and outs of everyone's situation and exactly why your guy disappeared, my feeling is unless you did something egregious to make him disappear, there is no reason for you to reach out. The whole point of this exercise is to A. Get over him and get yourself back and possibly but not guarantees, of course: B. pique his interest in you through your own disappearance and no contact.

Unless, of course, you have reached the point where you have NO emotional involvement and you don't care either way (truthfully) if he responds or how he responds or how long it takes him to respond...but if you have no emotional involvement, then really - why even bother contacting the guy? Just move the hell on!

For me, the last date HE initiated any contact with me was Jan. 27th. I haven't counted the days but the last date we had ANY contact (initiated by me) was Feb. 11th. So now it is past 30 days. Recently, in my lonely moments and plagued by the memories of our time together, I tossed around briefly the idea of "tapping" him but in my case, I think it will come across as desperate and pathetic. After Jan 27th, I reached out twice via email, he responded BOTH times right away but left me hanging. And has made NO attempt to contact since. So THERE is my answer right there. I don't mean much at all to this guy. And you know what, I'm worth more than that! It is MUCH better to be alone than to be with a man who is lukewarm about you, who could disappear on you for 30, 60, 90 days. It hurts, that he thinks so little of me but that's OK, I've gotten over other guys and I will get over him.

So I'm staying where I am, living my life, moving on, and taking care of myself. No "tapping", no check in, no "harmless" emails. I am NOT CONTACTING him. Let him find his "perfect" match on the internet dating sites. The truth is, at this point, I am still emotionally involved with how the OUTCOME might be and I'm just not willing to put myself in a compromising position. WHY put myself through that? In fact, I'm quite certain he would respond quickly - and a rinse/repeat of past behavior would ensue. And how exactly would that make me feel? LIKE SH*T. And I'd be back to square one.

I have a date with a new guy next week, and I'm still healing from a bad injury. Taking care of myself is my number one priority. NOT feeling tempted to contact someone from my past who treated me badly is also a priority. I feel stronger with each passing day and I realize that indeed, as Mirror said, this guy did me a favor.

If this guy DOES miraculously reappear? My guess-timate is 6 months to a year. I think he knows the chances of me replying before then are pretty slim - he is a smart guy.; March 13, 2013 at 10:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Yea, a text like that with a new number at that time of night - I'd consider that a "tap." And it depends on the man regarding what it means. In this case, I'd venture a guess that that was a "tag, your it" tap.

Meaning, he tapped you - now it's your turn - to chase him, LOL ;-); March 14, 2013 at 3:42 AM
Anonymous said...: We'll Ladies, (CHK61)I am in the same boat...Im so glad I did NC. So far all of the guys (whether in a relationship or just dating) have come back at some point-except the last one..so far. I dont think he'll come back or hit me up again because we didnt know each other enough. We went on two dates and by week 2 of knowing him he became an "air sign lol" I havent contacted him since Dec 2012 and neither has he. I have no clue and I would honestly LOVE to know.Its unfortunate because I wanted to be with him. But as time goes on I realized the only reason I wanted him was mainly for physical reasons. I liked the way he looked, what he did, his body, how intoxicating he was, etc. He was everything I wanted physically in a long term partner but not on the inside. He wasnt mature enough. I realized what would I gain from contacting him and what would I lose? I would lose more from dating a self professed asshole and philanderer. I would lose the point of not contacting him for 3 whole months. I would lose my point and he might view it as he still has me thinking about him. I realized that I want honesty, maturity, trust, etc out of a relationship now. So, NC works either way. I am much stronger today than I was a few months ago. Thanks MOA; March 14, 2013 at 4:22 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Chk61,

YAAAAAAAAAY! Great post! Made me smile. You go girl!!!

Cheers (with my coffee cup in hand - lol); March 14, 2013 at 5:35 AM
Lady Leo said...: Good morning all:

I think the reason why I sent the *tap* text yesterday was due to the build up of my expectation or desire to NEVER contact him. Let me explain.

In the 12 step world of addicts/alcoholics etc, we can NEVER say we will not use/drink EVER AGAIN. It's impossible for the addict mentality to make such a commitment beyond a day at a time. Same goes for smokers, over-eaters etc. We/I manage our addictions/obsessions sometimes a minute at a time. So whenever I proclaim I will "never" do something that has been compulsive for me in the past, I know I have just bound myself to that action.

I felt that in my zest to get to 30 days I was creating a huge expectation on myself. Pressure, if you will. Instead of being NC one day at a time, I had a huge need to have the 30 under my belt...and then what? LOL. I hadn't worked out the "and then what". So combine that pressure with the emotion of a grand momentous event that means something to both sag and I and BAM! text time!

I do not regret sending it though. I have felt a shift of sorts in the next step of acceptance that this man DID just abandon our dating relationship. Our budding friendship. He did and it was wrong. And this means he is really very disturbed and even if he were to proclaim undying love for me, it would be an uphill struggle to deal with him.

At 7:00 am this morning, my cell went off with the text chime. I jumped cus that's when he used to first text me every day. No, it wasn't him. It was the Aries dude who keeps flaking in and out with texts. What was his message? "Good morning, you have a new pope!". No shit, Sherlock LOL

Anyhow....it really is time for me to say goodbye to this man. Silently, to myself that is. And understand that some boys just can't be men....no matter how old they are.; March 14, 2013 at 7:46 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm on day 28 now of NC, and I've decided I'm never going to contact him again. Mirror said I had a 50/50 chance of this one coming back -- if I don't contact him, even after 30 days. I allow myself to check my email once a day to see if he's sent anything (nothing from him since 2/18, my last to him was the evening of 2/14) and every time there's nothing, I'm just disappointed all over again. I have these weak moments where I miss him so much and get misty-eyed, and other moments where I'm like "screw him anyway!" and then others where I feel like I'm doing the right thing, taking care of myself. This NC has been an odd, sometimes very difficult journey -- but it feel like, deep down, I actually am doing the right thing for myself for once.

I love reading all the comments here -- and to everyone else in NC and beyond, prayers and strength to you!

Hoopsgirl76; March 14, 2013 at 10:04 AM
Kay said...: @ Lady Leo
May sound silly, but I check to see who liked or commented on the post before I do, bc I don’t want him thinking I’m trying to get his attention. And what bothered me the other day I’m just laughing at now. He’s thinking about me! ;)

@ Venus
I don’t think anyone here would have done what you did, it was your decision and clearly you have fear of him going right back to his old ways……… actually I’m pretty sure he never stopped in the first place. I’m not trying to be a bitch, but you’re probably not the only woman in his life. You popped in and he got you. You bet your ass he’s gonna disappear and he damn well knows you will never leave. You’re just telling him it’s ok to treat you like shit whenever he wants, so he’s gonna continue doing so. Not right away, but a couple days from now, a week from now or a month from now……… he will disappear. You’re not ready to see what he’s doing to you, so until then you’re gonna hold on tight bc you think he’s the only guy for you. Well he’s not a guy, he’s an insecure boy and if that’s what you want, so be it. We will all be here when you return, and maybe after another crash and burn you’ll be ready to move on. I mean no disrespect, you came here for advice but it wasn’t at all what you wanted. Well guess what? None of us wanted the advice given……. At first. Then we slowly pulled our heads out of our ass and saw right through these boys, who are now either a memory or becoming men, all bc we followed the advice given.; March 14, 2013 at 10:27 AM
Anonymous said...: @chk61,

I'm one of the girls who reached out after 30 days, I agree with you that depending on the individual, the situation, etc that one should probably NOT reach out to the man who disappeared. I, reached out to "my" guy because he never disappeared. I just got tired of being the one to always initiate. During nc with him, he contacted me several times and I ignored him. When the 30 days were up, I knew I was still interested in him, however I knew that I did not want to get back into old habits of being the one to initiate things. I reached out, he responded immediately and we chit-chatted for hours. I will not initiate anything else--if he wants to talk again he will call or text me(which I know from our convo that he knows).

I still feel that the 30 day NC was beneficial for me, because it taught me to have a life outside of him(which I have) and to do my own thing.

That being said yep I decided to give him another chance. I believe he is interested. If it doesn't work, so be it.

:-); March 14, 2013 at 10:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused Capricorn,
He played on your insecurities an, as a result, you felt an intense need to prove yourself worthy. To prove you were worth it.

It happens, but as you can see, it will never make you happy.

Give the Taurus man who is genuinely interested a chance to make you happy and treat you well :-); March 14, 2013 at 1:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Very Grateful,
It's been my experience that when folks make unfounded accusations towards others, such as him insinuating you're a player, nine times out of ten...it's because that's how THEY are, and they assume others are doing the same as them.

Combine that observation with his casual interest...and I think you have a player. One plus one equals two dear.

And the only way to know if he's genuinely interested or not is to cease initiating contact and see if he pursues you. If not, let him go and consider yourself lucky.

I believe that you taking the lead in the beginning, initiating contact and pursuing him a bit, may have given him the wrong impression. So pull back and see if he steps forward. And cease communicating emotions or feelings with him until he begins to do so with you. He's not ready for anything like that yet and when omen begin to do that before the man does it...it feels like pressure to them.; March 14, 2013 at 2:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @X,
No explanations are necessary dear. You don't have to explain yourself or answer to him. He's not your boyfriend, lover or husband and he has not expressed a desire for commitment or exclusivity here.

You simply say no, thank him for the evening, be kind, cheerful and upbeat..and go home after the date - or suggest stopping off for a drink at a second destination if he wants to spend additional time that evening with you. If he questions this, don't explain yourself. Take the pressure off yourself and apply it to him by saying something coy like, "I'm flattered that you'd like to spend more time with me. How about we do dinner again and see where it goes."

If he agrees and you do dinner again and he tries to get you home that night, you rinse and repeat with the same response...and you don't give in until you're ready and he's proved himself to you :-); March 14, 2013 at 2:13 PM
Venus said...: @Mirror, Sista'Taurus, Kay, ladies,
He wanted to meet me for lunch today and we were going to meet but I had work, I could have put my work on hold and coud have gone out to see him but last 2-3 days the communication has been just too much. I just thought its okay to cancel the lunch, so I texted him..too tied up at work, lets plan something next week..he replied..one day i will tie you up real tight, my busy hottie girl. That's all..its been four hours and I just came home, on the way back I was reading this forum so wanted to update.

I was not looking to date, I resisted getting into a relationship for 2-3 months (courtship period) then somewhere down the line I became desperate/needy. One thing 9 days of no contact has done to me is to put me back on track and not feel so crazy.

As far as other women in his life is concerned, I doubt him too, but I never tell him that. The amount of busy he is I will be surprised if he had one. He was not in a relationship when I met him for 3-4 years because he is always busy with work, what are the chances that in past 6 months he found me and more women.

Anyway, there is a limit to how much I listen to my mind and how much I can fight the feelings in my heart.

Again, 9 days NC was very helpful for me to act non-crazy and untangle my thoughts a bit. But I would have lost him if I took it to 30 days because he thinks people who love each other don't ignore or disrespect each other 'on purpose' and I am giving him benefit of doubt, may be he is different. If he does anything similar again, I feel I won't be that hurt about it as it won't be anything unexpected, but if I have to do NC again I won't count days I will just trash him. It was the countdown that was very annoying for me. I looked so pitiful.

Mirror wrote a few things that I never forget:
1st ..Once you are in with Virgo, you are in. I feel I am in with him
2nd..between Leo and Virgo there is a lot friction in the beginning but there is a magnetic attraction so chances are it will work out in the end. Hope this is true.

Just wish that everything goes well. We are going to give us another 6 months before we take any serious step.

And one thing, I am not sure if it is important or not, but he wants us to meet in private but I keep telling him not going to happen till we are engaged, he introduces me to his family and I have serious commitment. I prefer, after getting married, but we will see.; March 14, 2013 at 2:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 13, 5:40pm,
Ahh dear...you're not going to like this, but know that I say it with only the best of intentions involved :-)

I don't think you should date anyone right now sweetie. You need some alone time to center yourself, build your self confidence back up and revitalize your self esteem. None of which can happen when a man is in your life, due to the fact that anything can trigger your insecurities right now.

I'm sorry dear, but this man was very good to you and very understanding. You've hurt him with your words and I believe you've hurt him deeply. Regretfully, you let your past traumas and insecurities interfere and destroy the relationship :-(

You're being very hard on this man for walking out, but you're making excuses for your self destructive behaviors that caused all of this. You're minimizing the role you're insecurities played here by saying, "I'm only human, can't I be emotional sometimes and still be loved" etc.

Truth is, no dear...you cannot. You get what you give in this world...karma. So when you project ill behavior, you receive it right back. You want stability in your life....yet you're behavior is unstable. It's emotionally unstable sweetie. So when you project that...you manifest it. When you project instability....you manifest instability in your life. If you want stability, you have to stabilize dear....so that you manifest stability and attract it into your life and relationships.

You've had a lot on your plate. A miscarriage and an abusive relationship. Please, please consider loving yourself and working out these issues that are hampering your happiness. Take the time to do so. You're happiness doesn't come from a man, it comes from within you...and you radiate it like warm sunshine and you attract it right back into your life. Take the time to find your happiness...free of a man. And once you're happy and independent, not co-dependent, you will manifest and attract happiness into your life and your relationships.

If you don't take the time to work on yourself, to love yourself, you're going o repeat this toxic unhealthy cycle in your relationships....regardless of which man it is.

When you push someone away that's been good to you and has cared for you and you do this repeatedly, it makes them feel unappreciated, unwanted, unloved and unhappy. You can't minimize those actions by justifying them as being "human." Because if you o that, then you have o do the same for him....because its only "human" to leave when you're unwanted and unhappy. It's not fair to hold him accountable for his actions....while making excuses for your own dear :-(

May I suggest one year alone? One year of independence, free of the emotional triggers that a relationship will set off in you....to center yourslf, build your self esteem and increase your self confidence?

It is possible to be happy without a man dear. And it will make you strong, it will rest your mind and it will liberate you from your fears and the trauma of your past abusive relationship. Because you see dear, you're repeating that past trauma in THIS relationship. In a small way, you're becoming the abuser...verbal abuse :-(

I'm sorry dear. As I said, I'm not judging, I'm attempting to help you and I only say this with the best of intentions. Please consider taking some time to love and heal yourself.

Ladies reading here, please feel free to lend support and personal experiences so she knows she's not alone in this :-); March 14, 2013 at 2:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Dearest Mirror of Aphrodite - how lovely of you to get back to me. I am touched beyond words that a virtual stranger would take an interest and make the effort/take the time out of her personal life to try and help me with this dilemma. You have a heart of gold - and through teh law of attraction, may your kindness come back to you TEN FOLD!!! :)

I DO do totally understand what you are saying and appreciate your words of wisdom ... THANK YOU SO MUCH for getting back to me.

I would be so very grateful if you might be so kind as to please just offer one small last bit of advice, please...? I will explain a bit more... and keep it as BRIEF as possible !!! I don not wish to take up any more of your precious time x

In between splitting with teh father of my child (who was mentally abusive) and meeting Mr. A I DID have a year alone... or should I say with myself. It was an empowering and fantastic experience - I deliberately kept clear/rejected all advances off men so that I could gain strength and be happy in myself once again. I did some spiritual work and soul searching and can genuinely HAND ON HEART say that I am back to teh old me.

Mr. A was teh first date I allowed myself to go on and as I say there has been only two minor hiccups teh whole five months. We ve been STRONG through my ex rearign his ugly head again adn STRONG through the loss - I never acted irrationally or projected insecurities except one day staright afer teh loss. Thats one day in five months when I had a little break down...

I didnt even get my own behaviour that night I baffled myself - and then just monday eve it was 'my time of teh month' , which to me explains everything. I always get emotional/paranoid just for two or three days before this time of the month - whether there is a man in my life or not!

I really really love this man and I want to try and make things work. I don't blame him for leavign eitehr - but it was not nice being so cold and cruel to me on Mother's Day.

That is teh first time in teh whole five months I have NEVER acted insecure like that - so its not like I am constantly projecting insecurity or being an emotional wreck - ninety percent of our time together I ve been strong, confident and happy. I let him call me / put my girlfriends first, have a really good life outside teh relationship - and have such amazing golden opportunities ahead which I can only put down to being exceptionally positive and radiating gratitude/counting my blessings every day that it is coming back to me, ten fold!

I really think that was simply a hormonal flip out. I told my doctor today that I behaved very oddly and she said mood swings/periods are much stronger for few month s after what I have been through. Am not makign excuses - I genuinely think thats what it boiled down to.

But now I just dont know what to do. I want to explain and apologize - he prob thinks I am a psycho bunny boiler! I was so uncool and its embrassing. I dont know how to approach him - I dont want to seem to grovel either, though?

I am at a complete loss/just dont know what to do. If I phone he wont answer but I guess I could leave a message and if I text and he doenst respond I am just hurting myself even more...

Should I just let him be? Or ought I try and make contact , and if so how do I approach him? I thought a light joke might do it or a nice email - I really want to explain

But perhaps he needs what you call 'space' or may be he has walked away for good :(

I really thought he was 'The One' and my gut tells me he is. He told me the same ...

Please, please tell me how I can rectify this nightmare... if you think I can?

Once again I thank you with all my heart for your kindness; it means more to me - and the so many others you have touched - than you will ever know...

If there were more people like you on this earth, it would be a much better place. xxx; March 14, 2013 at 5:11 PM
AnonWoman said...: Hi MOA, Gemini50. Alana, the libran girl who had an Aries boyfriend and all the others I've spoken to,

I've not logged in for three weeks is it now? I was addicted daily before when I wasn't working (I am now). This site helped support me and take away some pain, and give me a better understanding. The pain has subsided and that's largely due to my going through the pain barrier in the time that was needed plus also not focusing on it, as my work is just so so busy.

Anyway I thought I'd write in as I am just wondering if any of your men have re-appeared or any of the relationships have taken a nice turn?

My ex is still gone. Not heard from him for 14 weeks now, so 3.5 months. I think if he's not back by mid to late May, he is never ever coming back. Just saying.

I've met three men, only one I saw again for a second time. (none are in my life anymore). I've cancelled a few dates too before meeting as I knew inside they were not right and was only meeting them as I was bored. Now I'm too busy to be bored. I am lucky to get a breather I'm that flaming busy, never mind going on dates with guys I know aren't right just because I feel a pang of wanting a man by my side now and again and remember the feelings of being in love. There is no substitute. It's best to keep busy and just wait it out.

I have a new guy I'm meeting this Sunday. But yeah, nothing much going on in terms of a real potential.

So, what's happening, any re-appearances or declarations of love, or anyone in a stable relationship yet, or got a mutual crush on anyone?

xx; March 14, 2013 at 5:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 14, 5:11PM,
I'd suggest just a bit more time here. Don't worry about him finding someone else. If he cares for you, and I believe he does, he'll still make himself available to you when the time comes.

Give this another week or so, see if you hear from him. If not, return and let us know what's going on and where your emotions and heart are at at that point - and we can come up with something from there :-)

Time heals all wounds dear :-); March 14, 2013 at 5:39 PM
chk61 said...: Hey, Lady Leo - I hope you did not think I was trying to make you feel badly. That was not my intention. I was just trying to make a point about the 30 days as being a goal for us ladies to feel more grounded and better about ourselves, and not as "oh goody, now I can call him!" (or email, text, whatever) I think if we do NOT want to contact him at 30 days then we have really achieved something. And as I said, I don't think you're contacting your guy was in anyway wrong...you did what you wanted to do and it's OK!

And of course, every situation is different. For me, staying in No Contact is key. If he contacts me (which I doubt), y'all be hearing from me, asking what I should do!

OMG, Anonymous March 14 at 4:22AM - this is exactly how I feel about my guy! Certainly I still did not know him well enough at 5 dates (but much flirty emailing in between dates...well, OK - the first 4 dates...which really got my hopes up!) and emailing for a month or so prior to meeting. I was so incredibly attracted to him, literally I had to SIT on my HANDS to avoid touching him on one of our dates. Ugh. I'm sure my intense attraction scared him or turned him off but he certainly seemed to like it...albeit for a brief period! He had other attributes and honors that I won't go into to protect his and my own privacy but suffice it to say that on paper, this guy is a MAJOR CATCH.

But like your guy, my guy, despite a fairly long marriage, a relationship with a beautiful woman post-divorce, a stable lucrative career, very prestigious credentials that I will leave out as I mentioned, two children, etc. was just not very mature! The way he got soooo jealous on date #4 when we ran into a male friend of mine in a bar. At the time, when it seemed we were definitely still an "item", I thought: "wow, that is so sweet...no guy has ever gotten so territorial so quickly, he must really dig me!" but now I realize it was just his insecurity. And I recognize that everyone, including yours truly, has insecurity but this was extreme! And he started distancing after this date...

Thanks Gemini50....I do feel differently about him now. I guess it's because my health situation isn't great (and I was in super duper shape just 6 weeks ago, when he left!) I sustained a pretty serious injury to my body and that's my number one priority - getting better. So ridding myself of the emotional garbage should help me in that healing process!

@Anonymous 3/14 at 10:57AM - yes, I agree with YOU that in this situation you used No Contact to your favor! Good luck with him!; March 14, 2013 at 6:18 PM
Anonymous said...: You are an angel on earth. That is exactly what I will do.
I sent one and only one text in a nutshell saying I was sorry from teh bottom of my heart, I wouldnt blame him for running a mile. I said I even freaked myself out /that was not me

and ended it like this : x I DO trust you, with all my heart and soul xxx ps- bunny is in the pan lol :(

I will leave it a week and see if he gets back; just knowing there is someone out there who undertsands and is willing to listen has been IMMENSELY helpful.

Your objective opinion made me realise it was ME in the wrong, not him... and perhaps with that grace and a heartfelt apology, things may turn around again...

You have been so incredibly supportive; pLease know there is tons of positive energy and gratitude coming from Manchester to you - and if you ever find yourself in town, please look me up - it would be my honour to treat you to lunch!
XXXXXXX

PS - A suggestion/tip to all those ladies who are being 'ignored' - I left my phone at home today as was finding it a source of draining energy to keep checking to see if he had texted.

I found it so liberating not having teh phone on me that I even considered getting a cheap spare phone so that the school could contact me/anyone important if need be but that he could not. That way you are in much more control. You will be bound to check now and again - but if u leave your phone at home most of teh day or get another one that he cant reach you on, it will really help to free your mind/get some more you-focused energy going.

It really helped me to feel 'freer' and mentally detatch from the situation as it was becoming unhealthy how consumed I was with worrying about him /checking my phone every five mins . So maybe try it for a day ? (its hard having no phone for teh day, but once you get used to it as I say its oddly liberating!) If you're in teh house, stick it outside somewhere so you are physically detacthing from the connection , as well as emotionally.

I have found my own peace of mind through the wonderful Mirror of Aphrodite's turning my thinking around completely by a surprising 360 degrees; all my girlfriends were fuming with him but teh reponsability DOES lie with me, you are 100% right!!!

I see that now ... and it also helps now the ol' hormones are dying down lol!

Really hope you all get the peace of mind and respect you so deserve

GIRL POWER to you all... ESPECIALLY to the Amazing Mirror of Aphrodite! :) XXXXXXX; March 14, 2013 at 7:32 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello all:

It's 2 post post "tap" text and I feel fine. Well, other than having a nasty cold, I feel emotionally well. No further contact to/from the ex Sag and I feel quite relieved. I went from hoping the NC would bring him back to appreciating what the detachment NC has brought me, and now I have mentally and emotionally made the decision that I could not take him back on any level ie: friendship should he reappear. After having gone through the same thing with a scorpio man who I adored, I would not want to be with someone so insecure/unstable/unsure again.

I thought I'd share a link to a guy's story who asked for advice from others after he'd hurt a gf and now wants her back. He admits he jerked her around and hurt her, then 4 months later he had the awareness of his wrongs and wants her back. He tells how he went about contacting her, what he was thinking and how she's reacted. Even though he is quite young, (early 20's), it's a hopeful story of someone who is growing and is willing to go to any lengths to get the girl he loves. It's a good example of what any of us SHOULD expect when a man (gentleman) really cares.

Hope everyone is well and taking very good care of themselves today!; March 15, 2013 at 1:33 PM
Lady Leo said...: Oops, forgot to post the link:

http://boards.askmen.com/showthread.php?139228-Messed-Up-Now-Back-tracking; March 15, 2013 at 1:42 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA,Gemini50,everyone

So today is day 23 NC.

Yesterday at 11 pm,day 22 NC,I received a mobile IM from him.I was online,I had just made an update and he immediately reacted.You see I hadnt made updates in weeks and neither did he.I mentioned before that it was unusual from him and that I believed he was mirroring my behaviour.

He said 'i am mad at you'.I thought whether to reply or not,and I did.I was online after all and also,I just felt composed.I replied 'at me?'.(of course I know he's mad I disappeared but I needed him to initiate a talk and want to discuss that).So the convo was short but went like this.

Him:'im mad at you'
Me:'at me?'(all innocent and ignorant lol)
Him:'yes'
Me: why?(lmao I just need him to talk about it,not me)
Him:you don't talk to me anymore
Me:excuse me?(lol!)
Him:....nevermind
Me:I don't understand
Him:Yes you do(BINGO!He basically indirectly confronts my disappearance here)
Me:I don't?
Him:You stopped talking to me(BINGO!-LOL)
Me:So did you(I thought hard whether to explain myself but truth be told,he could have reached out sooner but he didnt so I just thought I'd stick it to him back and reply in the same manner)
Him:sad face

I left it there and did not reply.Well,all in all,I felt a slight emotional current there but nothing disturbing.I felt proud that I had held to my NC and will continue to it.He basically confirmed right there by saying that he's mad at me,that he's been thinking about me all this month and slowly sizzling but letting me do my thing.So now I truly have proof that he's been thinking about me all this time.Let's all keep in perspective here that I disappeared on him because I needed to regain control of myself.It did feel empowering and re-assuring to hear from him,albeit in those SUFFOCATED words (lol) that he was indeed thinking and taking notice of my silence,ALL THE TIME.

Conclusion.I will continue my NC.When he is ready for more talk,he will initiate because he now knows he can and he HAS TO,if he wants to talk to me.NC is for me,I'm not done working on myself and it feels too good to be so proactive about me and my life.He's there,he counts but not so much anymore.I'm proud of myself and how I managed this convo.I feel like I know exactly how to remove emotions from my communications now and actually have the upper hand for ONCE IN MY LIFE.Conscious behaviour.

Gemini50-what do you think?
MOA-How did I do?

Hugs to all!; March 15, 2013 at 2:50 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Anonymous from Manchester

Welcome aboard!

I read your story and thought I'd share with you my own personal experience.I too have been involved in abusive relationships all my life.I was raised in a household where i was abused by my father and unfortunately I carry that cross with me.I turned out extremely fragile-center wise and very thick skinned outwardly.People would never even imagine I am that sensitive.Needless to say,I went from one abusive bf to another.And in the cases where I was not abused,I would subconsciously create an abusive situation myself.I've struggled with emotional addiction,nicotine and alcohol.I always wanted to escape but you can't escape 'you'.

Anyway,today,after 2 years single,I've made much progress.I met this guy that chased me and I ended up doing an emotional irrational number on him,which brought me here.What MOA helped me see,was that it was me,projecting my insecurities and subconscious need of distress onto him and our budding friendship/relationship.You see,I know by habit how to respond in distress.I was dependent on it and when confronted with a normal,stable,easy flowing interaction-I had to stir things up.

So I pulled way back and did NC for a month with him.It all started Jan 23rd,when I deleted him.A week later I initiated,asking for an apology.He took me back but he became cold and distant.Needless to say,I didn't want to and couldn't deal with that so I disappeared Feb 2nd.He made 2 attempts after one week.I replied 2 weeks later and he was evasive.That was Feb 19th.Since then I have been NC and it has done me loads of good.I am learning and discovering about me-what I love,what I am truly passionate about,and this time I am implementing it.I'm surrounded by vision boards of everything I want in my life,I've changed my diet,my fitness,I'm working on a dream that is vital to me but always feared exploring.

I relate to your 'craziness' and 'instability'.It takes dedicated work,self work,patience,motivation,LOVE-to better and overcome your shortcomings.I used to excuse my behavaiour by thinking it was HUMAN-but truth is,no one has to deal with our baggage.No one.I projected and probably still project a lot of my past into my present but the difference is that NOW I am aware.Now I stop and think and strive to change.MOA suggested time alone because it is the best for you in this situation.When you are 'broken',no one can fix you.You relationships will be broken too.You will subconsciously await for a saviour and end up in co-dependent miserable relationships.Too much pressure and expectations from a significant other.You need to free yourself.You need to rid yourself of all residues of the past.You need to get to a place where you steer the wheel of your life.That's what MOA referred to and that's what I can whole-heartedly advise myself.

I am a new person today.A new me,a better me,a work in progress.I am ever so grateful and blessed to be able to consciously go through this.My eyes are open now.

We're here for you.Hugs!; March 15, 2013 at 2:50 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Venus

You know dear,Leo and Virgo relationships are hard work,loads of compromise..the only advice I can give you is to

let him pursue you at all times.That of course applies to every man but especially to a Leo.Leos need love and

admiration but they also need to respect their partner,they want to see an equal force in their partner,they actually

almost need it.Leos need logic,reason in their lives and to see that reflected in their partner is extremely

empowering to them.If you let them misbehave in any way,they will actually despise you a bit.Leos are fair creatures

and have huge hearts.Their inner sense of justice always prevails.

I sincerely wish you all the best.You sound like you are grounded and strong enough to handle whatever comes

your way.Even if this should fail,you will be strong enough to learn the lessons and move on.You can apply NC

anytime you need to,for yourself.So you have the tools,you have the experience and hopefully you will be

fine.Dictate the tone of how you want to be treated.Leos love that-they love to see people they love having a sense

of direction,they admire that in anyone.So stay true to yourself,always.Good luck to you!; March 15, 2013 at 2:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,I am writing again to ask you for your objective opinion. Perhaps you will remember that I finally went on a date with this man after a few-week period of no contact. After the date I found out that he was very active on a dating site IMMEDIATELY after our nice afternoon together. You also pointed out some other red flags, with which I could only agree. Thanks again for your observations. So I decided to dump him without informing him, and I did.

Since then he´s been very actively trying to contact me but I haven´t responded to any of his calls or texts. I´ve lost interest in him, perhaps not 100%, but definitely at least 70-80%. I have started to communicate with other men and I am happy about my present situation. The last message from this man said something about his work related problems and that he would like to discuss his situation with me. It was formulated as a kind request and at the same time an invitation for a meeting. I don´t know. He´s asking for help, because he knows that I am a helpful person and yes,I´ve already started to feel guilty for refusing to help him. Do you think I should meet him? I feel a litle guilty because it was me who disappeared on him without a word. So maybe I should meet him and say something, but I don´t know what. That I found out that he was interested in other women on the dating site? Yes, it touched and hurt me, but we were just casual friends after all. What do you think I should do? Please would you advise me something. Many thanks.
HopefulWithMen

P.s.: I send my best wishes to everybody here. As you can see, NC works perfectly well. (-:; March 15, 2013 at 5:22 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hi Sista T:

Interesting turn of events there. Especially in his mirroring you with the status updates/reaction. I find everyone's stories here quite "experimental" and I enjoy learning about both the male and female psyche.

Im not the NC police, but I think MOA might say your answering him is a form of contact. But it's not the end of the world. Look at me...I "text tapped" at day 29 and I lived LOL. The goal, as you know, is not necessarily to get HIM to change, but for US to change. Grow. Evolve. It's a bonus if he does. But in reality it would probably take much longer than 30 days for him to "get it" at how he took you for granted or hurt you (sorry, cant remember exactly what occured between the two of you).

Look at Gemini50. It's taken quite a many days for Virgo to "get it". Men are slow learners...LOL.

I'd say just keep leaning back so you don't get sucked back in. It IS very nice to know that he not only noticed you'd disappeared but that it mattered to him. I wish I knew that my ex sag felt that way :/

Very glad for your continued growth and awareness. xo; March 15, 2013 at 5:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
"All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else." ~ Mae West

He's attempting to emotionally manipulate you dear. He wants to "reel you in" again. At this point, I wouldn't make myself available to that or let it into my life again.

This man did lots of mean, cruel things to you sweetie. Turn about is fair play in those circumstances. You didn't treat him poorly, he treated you poorly. All you did was decide you didn't deserve that and decided to look out for yourself - which I would continue to do if I were you.

This man's proved his character already. There's no redemption here. He's probably got lots of other women to talk to, as you've already taken notice of by his behavior on the dating site.

This is simply an emotional manipulation tactic. Chances are, if you agreed to see him, he'd feel in control again - and possibly stand you up, reject you in some way, or disappear.

I wouldn't bother to put myself in that situation. I wouldn't bother to value a man that doesn't value me ;-); March 15, 2013 at 5:37 PM
Anonymous said...: Yes, I think you are right. It´s just that I don´t usually disappear on people without explaining anything. But you are right, he deserves it. And maybe it will make him think about his behaviour. I was considering sending him a goodbye text but I´ve decided not to. Fortunately, he doesn´t occupy my mind anymore and it´s not so difficult to delete his texts.
Thank you very much again. (-:
HopefulWithMen; March 15, 2013 at 6:02 PM
Venus said...: Thanks Sista'Taurus, So sweet of you to say nice things and for sincere advice. On that note, You know that day when I called him again and again and then he came around and gave me lecture, I apologized...I said 'Sorry' that's when he cooled down. Ever since then it has been good so far but now I don't think of him, I think that 'I apologized!!!' He made me say 'Sorry !!!'. Today it has been bothering me more than usual!!! I am not able to get over it. Is this why I did not go to lunch with him yesterday?? Quite possibly. I want to take my apology back. I did nothing wrong. I am not liking it :(

We spoke twice today and exchanged quite a few texts. We plan to meet on Monday.; March 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
I understand what you're feeling and I was hoping to aid you in avoiding this. Avoiding bringing more ill feelings onto yourself by giving away your power as a woman :-(

I think this quote applies with regards to no contact and the benefits it provides a woman:

"‎Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value - but because we finally realize our own." ~ Unknown

Smile :-); March 15, 2013 at 6:31 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Venus

Leos are big on lectures.My best friend loves to preach to everyone and everything and even with the woman he loves,he always thinks of how to 'upgrade' her,chisel her,or whatever.It's all about their BIG egos.If you can handle that,then go ahead.But learn to say NO- more often and stand your ground.Watch the lion become putty in your hands then.

Well,he emotionally manipulated you there.They are skilled at that but I don't understand why you had to go all 'desperado' and call him repeatedly?

Also,from my experience with Leos and for some reason I have loads in my life,especially the Leo men-they adore to pursue a woman.Literally,the lion is a hunter,a feline-so let him chase you,initiate,come to you.My Leo friend is head over heels over this Aries girl because she's been putting off meeting him for months.She has him on a string I swear and they only met twice but have frequent chats.He doesn't even understand what's happening to him LOL..funny to watch him being so humbled.

No thanks,hugs!; March 15, 2013 at 6:45 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Mirror

I'm curious dear Mirror,us sharing sun signs and all.Do you find yourself being extremely 'sensorial'?Are you someone who needs to touch/smell/feel/hear/taste everything,especially the subject of your affections?

I know I am.I never forget smells,I also crave physical touch (lol)-even with fabrics,everything has to be extra lush and rich and cosy.And I am deeply connected with nature/animals.I find myself humbled to tears by nature's beauty sometimes(corny i know).

Didn't know where to post this so forgive me!

P.S.Please reply on my Sag update when you have a moment-I value your feedback; March 15, 2013 at 7:09 PM
Venus said...: @Sista'Taurus...Ummm..I am the Leo and he is Virgo :)

I feared losing him, so after 9 days I called him and what happened next is history. Its been a week and we are okay so far, except today I feel I shouldn't have apologized. He never apologizes for anything ever. He says that he is honest so have nothing to feel sorry about. According to him, he never intentionally breaks the communication so whenever he communicates he expects reciprocation!; March 15, 2013 at 7:15 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Sista Taurus,

Girl, I have to leave the wisdom to Ms. Mirror. I am no good w/figuring out men's intentions.

But I will say, I love that your guy was honest with you. He told you he was mad at you, and why, and who can't respect that?

I think the next step is up to you.

Hugs!; March 15, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ All,

In my early 20's, when I was alone, really alone, raising my two toddlers alone, I came across this plaque in a store, and using the few dollars I had to spare for the month, I bought it.

When I read this, I cried in the aisle of the store... really. I cried. It was like a wash over me... I have kept it close for almost 30 yrs... I hope it brings you the same peace:

* * *
A few words of caring

After a while you learn that love doesn't meaning leaning, that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you can endure... that you really are strong and you really do have worth, and that with every new tomorrow comes the dawn.
* * *

Lots of love to all.; March 15, 2013 at 10:09 PM
WISE OWL said...: Hi MOA you referred me to this article to read GEMINI 50 as we have had a similar experience but I cannot find her story anywhere -have scrolled thru the 100s of comments...perhaps if giving a ref wld you state the month/year...thanks. WISE OWL.; March 16, 2013 at 3:13 AM
Anonymous said...: Day 30 of NC for me...argh. Haven't heard from him since Day 4. Guess I have my answer about his interest level...huh? It's kind of a bummer when you think you have something special with someone and really, you don't. How do we fool ourselves so easily, ladies? Ugh. I guess I always hoped he'd come back, on bended knee, apologizing and being the man he was in the beginning. But I have to accept that man was just an illusion and this is the real one. I have to let him go. It's just so hard!

-Hoopsgirl76; March 16, 2013 at 10:03 AM
chk61 said...: Good morning to all!

@Anonymous 3/15/13 5:22PM: "After the date I found out that he was very active on a dating site IMMEDIATELY after our nice afternoon together. You also pointed out some other red flags, with which I could only agree. Thanks again for your observations. So I decided to dump him without informing him, and I did."

Smart woman. My disappeared male did this after almost all of our dates. (I had another fake profile where I could log in to the site and see when he signed on without him knowing.) Literally, he would leave my place at 1:00AM and I would see that he signed on at 1:20AM, exactly 20 minutes after he got home. Of course, this did not make me feel very good as (in my mind) we had just had a very pleasant evening together and the last thing on MY mind was to jump back onto the dating site to see WHO ELSE I can find! So here I am - post date - basking in the glow of a fun, exciting evening with a new man, feeling all warm and cuddly, and he's immediately back in HUNTER mode, sniffing for new blood (or responding to emails, or following up on who else he was dating, or whatever...)

Well, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I would go back on the site as well, between dates and whether or not he checked to see when I was online, I have no idea.

He surely seemed to have that "kid in a candy store" mentality which is what online dating does to men - more, more, more! More and different, different flavors please!! So many flavors to pick from! This flavor has vanilla sprinkles on top and I think I may want chocolate sauce! So I can't settle for the flavor with sprinkles, can I?

A girlfriend of mine who also was on the site said he was ONLINE NOW all the time while we were dating. And lo and behold, he still is ONLINE NOW. So if he has a new girl, he's not concentrating on just her, he's still looking for other shapes and sizes!

Today I woke up remembering lying in his arms on our last date. Mmmm...it was such a nice feeling. I did let myself bask in the memory for a little bit. Thankfully I did not get sad, I just let the memories wash over me. Then I reminded myself that a genuinely interested men would not go "poof" after such an evening. He's a half-interested, insecure man but that doesn't make him a bad person. He's just for right for me. And...that's OK. It is what it is. Nothing more, and nothing less.

Early last month I got injured (which he knows nothing about since it happened after our last date) and have been slowly recovering. It is potentially a serious injury and I'm seeing a specialist. I briefly considered "tapping" him today after my nice morning memories but I think it's a bad idea (as I've discussed in my previous posts). My emotional fortitude needs to be focused on healing my body. I can't afford to get jerked around again, because if I do "tap" him, he may respond quickly as he did in the past. And then he most likely will just "poof" again. Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.

So today I remain in No Contact, I take care of myself, healing my injury is my number one concern. And looking forward to new beginnings with the vernal equinox which is just around the corner! Stay strong ladies, take care of numero uno and good luck to all.

And a big thanks for the lovely Mirror for her loving guidance and wisdom. :-); March 16, 2013 at 10:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
I'm so proud of how far you've come in such a short amount of time. I can hear your strength as a woman returning each day :-); March 16, 2013 at 11:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Wise Own,
Gemini50 is right above you in the comment thread here dear :-)

Her story begins a couple of months back, but most of her recent experiences have been shared in the last month or so. Basically, she's been using her newly found tactics to successfully navigate her way with a Virgo man that disappeared on her some two years ago(?) I believe.

And she shares their conversations, so you'll see how he has struggled with her newly found strength and ways of communicating with him. And how she successfully takes his "stuff" and makes HIM accountable for it. She doesn't take his problems on as her own. This has freed her, grown her confidence and spared her a lot of confusion and grief with him.

And he slowly, over time, began to realize that this time - he's dealing with an entirely different woman. He still falls back into old patterns of attempting to make her feel insecure and attempting to take total control of the relationship by doing so.

But Gemini50 has stood strong in the face of all he throws at her - and honestly, it's left him completely baffled, LOL - but trying harder as well ;-); March 16, 2013 at 11:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Regarding your Sag and the recent conversation, you handled it well. Because even with the reversal of circumstances, it's clear he's still angry. So any attempts at open communication right now would be hampered by the emotion of anger and, as a result, the message would not be heard.

What I suggest, given the role reversal in your situation, is that once he expresses a desire to communicate again (when he's no longer as angry), you can feel free to hold a discussion with him. But I don't suggest that that discussion take place via text. My advice would be to meet for dinner and hold the discussion in a public place.

Since you disappeared on him for different reasons here, reasons of your own, not those of his behavior - you don't have to explain yourself to him, however, when he's no longer as angry with you and you feel that an adult conversation could take place, I'd suggest a bit of an explanation - IF you care for him and think it can work. If not, don't bother.

I wouldn't go into too much detail with him though. I'd simply insinuate that what you did, you did for yourself and for him - to spare both of yourselves - because you felt your behavior may have been destructive and self defeating and, as a result, you needed to work on yourself.

And then I'd leave it at that. If he's an understanding, genuinely interested man - he will be accepting of that and he will also admire you for having the strength to do so. He may still have feelings of anger, but if he's understanding about it, you can feel free to express reassurance to him at that time.

If he's an emotionally immature man, he won't be able to understand and he'll shut down emotionally. In which case, you simply remove yourself from the situation and feel free to carry on as you have been - stronger and more independent and in a state of well being :-); March 16, 2013 at 11:47 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @Wise Owl,

In December 2012, I did an internet search for info on "disappearing men," due to a Scorpio man who continually disappeared for 2-3 weeks at a time and then finally POOF'd for good. (I think I started writing around the #600 post field) (NOTE: Scorpio sent me a text last week after 80+ days of nothing. I haven't responded (although I soooo want to.))

While trying to learn about Scorpio's behavior as well as my own, a Virgo man, who has been a friend for 9 yrs now (we started a relationship 2 years ago) reappeared after disappearing for about 6 months. He's done it twice in 2 yrs. The first time I was absolutely devastated, the second time I was hurt, but not as much as the first time.

So this time, upon his return, I decided to 'practice' what was being taught here (because I certainly didn't have the skills).

What this site has done for me is "coached" me through actions. I was in therapy for years in my early 20's, then again in early 30's for probably a year, and returned for 3-4 sessions a few times over the last 20 years when I had a problem I needed help trying to 1. figure out, and 2. move on from.

My 4 therapy visits in January 2012 was after Virgo's first disappearance in 2011 and a man/child I dated 4x at the end of 2011. These instances threw me for a f'n loop... In the therapy sessions, I got my bearings back, but I didn't learn HOW to identify behaviors of others, nor practice actions to learn the skill of taking care of myself while dating.

I don't see a post from you in the recent strings, so don't know why Ms. Mirror has suggested you check out what I've been sharing.

The information and support here is wonderful. The honesty that women (and a few men) have shared: the good, the bad and the ugly, makes us all wiser and stronger, and also lends a bit of grace when we, too, faulter, but pick ourselves up again to try another day. :); March 16, 2013 at 1:29 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Moa

Thank you for your feedback.

We shared a small exchange again today and he kind of emphasized his anger at me again and how i have complicated everything and left things in the air but I have a slight feeling it might be his EGO talking here.If he's trying to manipulate me into saying sorry and all that,he won't stand a chance.It's possible that he might want his power back but it's not happening Lol.

So I ended the convo by saying 'take all the time you need to feel angry,we will talk when you are in better spirits'

Lmao,that way it does not sound like I'm here waiting for him to cheer up nor am I going to beg him to resolve any conflict.Hell no.So,when he's ready or wants to talk,or whatever,we will.

It's funny and empowering to see how flustered by my actions he truly was.And in true man fashion,he can't for the life of him express himself.I feel like if we could exchange a couple of grunts and shoulder pats instead,we'd be all back on track..lol.

Yes ladies,men communicate differently.Men are different.When you are ready to accept that,your whole perspective will change,your actions and your life overall.When you're ready :); March 16, 2013 at 3:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,
just a few lines to confirm that NC works miraculously! I and this men used to go on dates on Saturdays or Sundays. As I wrote already, I dumped him without telling him. Since then he´s been texting and calling like never before. For example since yesterday evening up till now - Saturday evening here in Europe - he has called 7 times! I can´t believe it. Now that I am not interested anymore... Because I dumped him and nothing is going to change my mind. It´s his big narcissistic ego that´s phoning but in any case, NC works, so don´t be afraid to trust it. All the best to all of you.
HopefulWithMen

P.s.: I feel that if he continues phoning like this, I won´t resist the temptation, answer the phone and tell him openly what I think of him... If it happens,I´ll inform you and I think you´ll all have some good laugh.I don´t intend to be mean, just fair.; March 16, 2013 at 4:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Cappy Girl here :)
Met a Tarus man online. He caught my attention with his writing.After a month moved to txt, then phone.
He lives 2 hours away. he drove after work, took me to dinner, talked walked around first kiss, magical!
Now it gets bad, His txting goes up to 15-20 a day, 3 hour phone calls, he talks about the future wooing me and I completely fall for it. He tells me things like he wants to take me back home this summer if everything goes the way he thinks it will etc. I tell him I am smitten.
Second date, chemistry is great but I feel a little hesitancy on both sides. At the end of the date he tells me we need to go slow and in the past he was burned by going fast, I agree thinking I am just following his lead.
Next week he pulls back dramaticaly, one txt a day short phone call every other day and the calls are all about him. He isnt sleeping, well. He is in a funk. He needs to figure out paying back his student loan and budget better.It costs him $50 in gas to see me maybe I could come see him exry other week etc.
During this time my grandmother passed away which I tell him and let him know I will be gone the following weekend. I apologize for txting first on occasion, explain I guess I want the distraction from being sad.He says I am fine.
He never contacts me while I am at the funeral (3 days ) and so I reach out to him by txt on the 3rd day. Again the txt is all about him or sexulaly flirty "I had an amzing dream about you"
When I get back he doesnt contact me until 10:30 at night with a txt saying, "Hello Miss Silent, are you okay?"
I txt him back the next morning that I fell asleep. I am confused Friday night and send a txt to him that I meant to send to my girlfriend saying, "He is very flirty in txt messages and yet says he wants to take somethings slow. I guess he means the emotional slow but not the physical?" He calls me right away! We laugh and he tells me he is okay with the whole thing being slow and lets take the physical off the table and he looks forward to seeing me the next day.
The next morning he calls me in a panic, cancels the date, Says he has no idea what is wrong with him but needs to figure out himself and not take me on the emotional roller coaster he is on. Says he isnt talking or interested in anyone else. Feels he is over his ex, has no contact with her. I have everything he is looking for but he cannot get over his funk, he thought it was sleep, then work stress or finances but has no idea and isnt sure he is emotionally avail to date (I mentioned that the night before) He says I can call him if I want and the world is a small place so who knows.
His profile online is hidden for a week after and now is live.
I received an email a week later that seemed odd (very flirty) and responded, "I think you may have sent ths awhile ago but just got it today lol hope all is well :)"
he wrote back the next day with, "Yes sorry that was from awhile ago. Everything is meh. I have a long road to go and I will get there in time
Hope everything is well with you :)"
Now his profile is live again.
I know I made him think he had me too quick. If I hadnt had the funeral I would usually have given him waaaaaaaay more space. But what is done is done.
Do you think I will hear from him again?
I am currently going on dates and talking to lots of folks but he just got to me...that zing!! thing.; March 17, 2013 at 12:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Cappy Girl,
Yea, I imagine you'll hear from this one again - and I imagine you may actually be sorry you do, by the time he gets around to it, LOL ;-)

I think he's a "commitment phobe" and I have a feeling he's an online "serial dater" - the "grass is always greener" type. My guess is, he probably only goes so far in a relationship with a woman (a couple of dates or a couple of "boinks") and then he moves on - when he starts to actually feel something. I think he runs from his emotions and yes, I think he's emotionally unavailable as well.

Men like this will yank you around on a string for months. Most times, you're better off without men like this in your life. Because if you let them into your life, all they do is create negativity - anxiety, worry and feelings of low self worth.

You want to be around a man that makes you feel good dear, one that lifts you up - not one that brings you down and makes you unhappy.

So if he's gone for good, he probably did you a favor. If you hear from him again, don't bother responding right away - he doesn't deserve your immediate attention right now. So if he does reappear, and he most likely will, keep a nice healthy distance from him and make him put some effort into this. If he doesn't, let him go because he'll only drive you nuts, LOL ;-); March 17, 2013 at 9:57 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror. :-) I am posting again today as I have continued to have a slight temptation to "tap" him but my intuition keeps rearing it's beautiful head to whisper in my ear: "no, that would be a mistake. Don't do it."

As I've said before, in my opinion (and John Gray echoes this, not that he's the ultimate expert - he's just a human like the rest of us) when men disappear in the early stages of dating it's not necessarily the rubber band effect. There's usually something else going on. Yes, I'm sure he felt things were getting too serious and intense but his disappearance at that point with no explanation also shows he was a "half-interested" man.

So we're at almost 7 weeks since he initiated contact with me and almost 5 weeks since he responded to my last email. Not that I'm counting.:-)

I've been isolated, lonely and worried (about my health) for the last 6 weeks due to my injury so admittedly I have been obsessing about him a fair amount. When I get out, being with other people cis a great thing. I got out Friday night with a girlfriend and a male friend popped up via text, he has been in an on again/off again relationship for a few years and guess what, they're off again. So he contacts me. LOL. I dated this guy once, a few years ago when he was "off again" with this woman. The other male friend we met through warned me to not get involved as he figured this guy was just looking for sex as a distraction in the wake of his again break up, and would most assuredly get back with this woman once she gave the green light. Anyway, he met up with us the other night; at one point I caught him staring at me intensely and of course, I'm not that interested at this point (other than friends) so that makes him want me more. ;-)

I remember 60 days being the magic bullet with a couple of other male suitors in the past but I'm certainly NOT counting on my disappearing male reappearing then. If we get past 60 days, then all bets are off.

It just helps to get my feelings out here and re-reading some of the older stories on this board have reaffirmed my resolve to stay in No Contact. So that is where I remain.

On this St. Patrick's day, may you all have the luck of the Irish and peace to all!; March 17, 2013 at 10:01 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, this is HopefulWithMen again. Sorry to bother you because this is not a heart-breaking situation, but anyway: This man has been calling me all this weekend. I have started to perceive him a little frightening at this point. This is quite strange and I would never expect such behaviour from him. As you know I have dumped him by simply disappearing on him and he seems not to be able to understand. I feel anger from those calls. What would you advise me to tell him if I decided to answer the phone? You know that he´s a sort of a player, emotionally cold. What would be the best thing to tell him to teach him a lesson? First I was thinking about being honest but I am sure you wouldn´t recommend it. And please don´t worry about me, I am over him, although I feel deceived and annoyed. BUT we didn´t have anything physical fortunately.
Thanks for you ideas.; March 17, 2013 at 1:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello, I have a magic man that has reappeared. We have been doing this song & dance since I met him & that was in 2010 & I would always allow him to come back when he would disappear.

The 1st time he disappeared he kept in contact with me, but I just never saw him until a month later. During that time I applied no contact even when I didn't really know about the NC rule, & of course he comes back. "Then me", was so happy he had returned, I allowed him back in. I was unavailable on the day he called me, but eventually I went back.

And it went on & on. I have always applied the rule, but not correctly. I would always give in too soon & screw it up, just to rinse & repeat. Well he's back...

He texted me last Wed. @ 3a.m. Yes!! Something he NEVER did in the past...I had no idea it was him because he changed his # so it went like this:

HIM: u up...
HIM: u wanna have a cigarette with me

then he calls...I ignore. I send a text back.

ME: Who the hell is this?
ME: Have you lost your damn mind contacting me at this hour, whoever this is. You call my phone but won't tell me who you are?

HIM: It's ________
HIM: you know who this is
HIM: lol, you sleep?

ME: Ignore

The next day he texts "surprise, surprise". I ignore him. Later on he calls me. Ignore. The next day he calls again & I ignore him again & it feels AMAZING!!! So my question is, should I apply the 30 day NC, or should I wait a few days then respond?

I know it's whatever I feel comfortable with, but what do you recommend? I'm actually not ready to contact him yet, & I also want to see how many attempts he makes. I NEVER ignored him like this. Maybe for a day, but no longer than that. I've never answered him right away, but I never left him hanging either.

So do you think his mind is "going", lol...I'm also unsure even what to say...it was going to be something light, but I needed your advice! Thanks!; March 17, 2013 at 6:10 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello everyone:

Nothing earth shattering to report from my end of the world, other than I'm doing OK.I still feel relieved at having the 30 days (or 29 days in my case) done and over, even though I am still NC, just passing that milestone is a lessening of pressure. Still nothing from my ex. I've blocked him from FB and I do not look at anything to do with him, his family or friends on any social media. Every now and then I look at one particular photo on a different site, but that's it. I hope to let that go soon.

I never replied to the Aries dude who texted me last week about the Pope. Been 4 days and he's flaked off, which is good. He was half interested at best. I'm getting good at identifying these "halfies". There were two guys on the date site who messaged me but then slowed down in just making comments, not asking questions. So I stopped responding. I'm really not going to make effort at conversing if they aren't. I've learned to let THEM initiate and make some effort. It's a shame, they were both tall and cute, but I'm not even gonna waste a second of my time on someone who doesn't pull his weight.

Interestingly enough, I am beginning NC on a girlfriend of mine who has been taking me for granted for some time. She knew I had the flue this week and totally disappeared for the duration and didn't seem to care or ask if I needed help. I've always been overly accommodating to her and her family and I realize I am getting resentful. So, it's time to pull back. Knowing my value in ALL relationships in my life!; March 17, 2013 at 9:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror thank you so much for your response.
Its capy girl again.
You will probably have the same response but I wanted to add a few things. We didn't have sex. First.date a goodnight kiss, second date kissing and over the clothes stuff. I told him I needed the physical to stay slow and he respected my wishes.
next 2 weeks the text messages were either very sexually flirty or about him and issues he was struggling with.
he met his ex wife married her within 7 months, they stayed married a year and a half. he told me they didn't know each other well enough and had not enough in common to stay married. he was shocked at all of the things that I like that he like is well. I explained that it wasn't the actual things but common values that were more important for example if you have differences it's not something to fight about your preciate the other person and not insult them for being different from you. I told him my father's relationship for the role model in my life Red Line many great communication skills from him. we talked about conflict resolution skills and how great it was to be able to discuss things in advance. he has been single for 1 year since his marriage ended. he did mention a relationship that ended with cheating but I'm not sure if it was his marriage or not.
of the 3 or 4 * he emphasized he wanted to take it slow after I could feel him withdrawing he told me he only told 3 women in his life that he loves them and that it would take a while I agree that this is fine and we just met. he felt scared to me.
in looking over text messages I realize that I was the pursuer especially after my grandmother's funeral.
I'm not sure why I'm having such difficulty getting him out of my head. maybe the daytime going on just aren't connecting and I miss that connection.
do men get is obsessive over women as we do over them?
I model and have a fan page and he looked at it in the past, does he still love?
I see him online on the dating profile say all the time now it makes me sad.
when he handed it he listed all the qualities you like about me easy going great communicator looks great in a dress he said he doesn't know what's wrong with him and maybe its timinc.
on my first date he told me he didn't go on Facebook much but I left him up and had a picture of his ex wife there. by the second date he deleted it. he told me he doesn't think he is commitment issues he also told me that he's completely over his ex they don't even speak and it's been a year he also thought maybe he get his testosterone levels checked and going to talk to psychologist. he said he doesn't know how to get out of this funk and he doesn't want to take them emotional rollercoaster with him.
this trigger the I wanna take care of you part of me! Ugh!
Why am I having such a hard time letting him go?
I did a photoshoot today and I got dressed up as his favorite character he had a crush on as a kid Wonder Woman. my agent wants to sell posters from todys shoot!
I am writing you to keep me from sending him pictures from the shoot!
I feel like I'm still seeking validation from him and I don't know why?
Okay, sorry for the ramble this whole article help me so much I know if I go through something similar in the future I'll be so much better job of responding. I've always been good at holding out the physical but I didn't understand about the emotional and have a slow that down thank you so much! Cappy girl; March 18, 2013 at 5:08 AM
Anonymous said...: Dearest Mirror of Aphrodite,

Please please PLEASE can you help me. I am having the WORST day and hardly slept all night...

I know you said to leave teh contact for a week with Mr. A but I ended up going on teh datign site we met on just to see if he was on it AND HE WAS = only five days after walkign out on me.

This is teh man who I nearly had a child with a couple of montsh ago and I just CANNOT beleive how cold he is being.

I got really upset my heart was pounding and I was shaking fron head to toe - I calmed down then and spoke to a friend before I did anything drastic. I then called him - no answer . So I decided to message him on teh site.

I said: LOL I was just on here with Andrea showing her teh site and have just seen you - I am updateing my profile now and leavign it up

Mr. A : Funny coz you were already up here with an updated profile when I came back on

Me: I came on it on Sunday when I thought you dumped me/ was not really with it from medication to help me sleep but then came straight back off it

Then I wrote another quick one :

Lets not row Tony we've shared soem really nice times toegther

may be we can be friends one day...

You want me to send your stuff...?

Mr. A - (must have sent this in teh meantime) well I am deletign my account now

Me: Ok well i'll delete mine then too.

(ps. Andrea reckons we just need a good romp in bed to sort this out)
------------------------------------------
I wish to goodness that I had not put that last bit because it made me look needy. I had interepreted him saying he would delete his acc as a mark of respect/wanting to move fwd...

However when I still had not heard a thing by Sun I checked again and there he was online again.

Its made me sick to my stomach. How could I be eating dinner with his family less than a week and half ago and discussing buyinh a house to this???

I know I projected insecurity and got it straigt back. I took responsability and apologised by text but he did nto get back.

I also take responsability for actign a bit bonkers when I was hormonal and my knee-jerk reaction was to put my profile back online and update it with nice pics ... so he will have seen that got angry and is reacting to that too.

But what I dont get is how he can be soo cold and callous, droppign me like a ton of bricks, blanking me for 5 days then straight onto a dating site???; March 18, 2013 at 9:13 AM
Anonymous said...: My friends say he s not worth it he is not a nice person to have given me no closure/explanation and be so quick to leave his profile up (mine is still down)

Oh Mirror of Aphrodite can someone just STOP loving you like this? Someone I adore???

I am not weak r pathetic - teh lovely lady who sent teh nice post about being on my own for a bit I dont know if she read my later post about all ground work I have done/been on my own over a year before Mr. A came along and been stable and happy, and strong against the odds. It was just teh hormones - and I was so upset he had walkedout leaving me alone om Mothers day when we ere meant to sccatter mum's ashes that I stupidly wanted to get back at him and so went on that site.

I know it sounds sad but I just want him to get in touch... even after all of this I still really care adn understand I must accept blame for his leaving.

Dear Mirror of Aphrodie, do you still think he cares?

My friends say for him to do that not long after loosing teh baby says he does not... and he is online on teh dating site so that speaks volumes.

What can I do??? I havent made any more contact and am just sickened by all of this - tehre s been no explanation. Just cold silence then him saying he was coming off teh site - but going straight back on??? Why say it and then do something else?

Do I ahve to wait 31 days now before making contact again, if I still feel teh need to?

I tried to keepe busy all weekend /going out next weekend and hangin out with friends/going to the gym ... its just really eatign me up inside to be dropped so ruthlessly and then the fact he is trawling for otehr girls so soon is incredibly hurtful...

I know you understand men and Taurus's as well - does he still care/just angry adn knee-jerk reaction like me (I had a little swipe on my status update when I put it up last Sunday saying I didnt want a moody man who walk out at the drop of a hat, so he's probaby got his back up about that too)...

What can I do just sit and wait?

I dont even know if i want him back if he can treat me like this ... all I know is that this feelign of being totally and utterly blankeed/ignored and finished out of teh blue is worst in the world.

Friends say to put my profile up with soem new sexy pics to get him wondering which I will but not for a few days...

Please if you could give me any advice or insights onto his possible mentality rigth now i would be so SO grateful. Until this I honestkly thought he was The ONe. I am in utter shock and this has made me have lots of self-doubt .

Please help me with how to handle this Mirror of Aphrodite - I am at my wits end :( XXXXXXX; March 18, 2013 at 9:13 AM
chk61 said...: @Lady Leo....good for you. Sounds like you are doing well and staying strong with the various males in your life!

Yes, sometimes you have to do NC with female friends too. I had a falling out with a difficult female friend and we barely spoke for months. It was very painful for me as I tend to obsess when I think people don't like me or are angry with me, or whatever. Her behavior was totally over the top though and she did not seem wiling to look at herself and accept *her* part in what happened. We are now "friends" but in a much more detached way and I think that's just the way it has to be.

I'm still fighting the urge to "tap" my guy. I slipped and looked at his photos again. Ugh. It's OK, I'll be fine just have to stick to my resolve to leave him alone. NO GOOD will come out of my contacting him. He will get yet another BIG ego boost ("yep, she still wants me"...chest puffing up) and I will be back to square one. Healing is my number one priority, of both my body and my heart.

I have been obsessing about whether I should have told him I was coming off a long period (three years plus) of celibacy...I did not tell him this, did not feel it was necessary or appropriate yet I still worry that he was turned off by the fact that I acted on my attraction to him, and gave in to my natural sex drive.

Oh well, what's done is done and I'm a human being, and we had a nice time. Must shake this guilt and not give in to the double standard. I do remain grateful, however, deeply grateful, that we never "did the deed". Phew.; March 18, 2013 at 9:24 AM
Lady Leo said...: @Cappy Girl (And anyone else)

Don't project what his being on the dating site means. Here's why:

When dating my ex sag who disappeared, I took my profile down after a few weeks just cus I wasnt interested in meeting anyone else. Next day, he did the same. We both had ours down for few weeks, though each of us logged in often. I did it cus I was checking on HIM...LOL and to see who else might be viewing me(even tho it was down, people could still view me).

So, one day he puts his back up. I was surprised and hurt. I told him I didnt know how I felt about it but one day it might bother me. I was trying to trust. I realize now he was getting fearful at losing his freedom so he put it back up. what I didnt know till over a month later was his membership has expired and he was no longer a paying member, hence he could NOT communicate with other women at all!

He had put it back up as a way of maintaining the appearance he was NOT committing and so he could check me out and my online activities. How did I find this out? As he was pulling away after our great 4th date, I sent an email to him via the site, and found it was never read. I had to pay to upgrade my service to enable the ability to check if my emails were read. I had sent him one weeks before, when things were good and IT too was not read. And as a non paying member, he wasnt even ablt to see WHO has sent him mail. I wondered why he never replied or mentioned it to me. Now I know...he had "expired" but never told me cus he wanted to look like he was in control. LOL.

Yeah, well...it was worth the $3 I had to pay to upgrade!!; March 18, 2013 at 9:33 AM
Anonymous said...: PS; UPDATE HELP PLEASE!!!

Just received an email saying :

can you let me know when I can come and get my stuff please?

I have already offered to post his 'things' which only consist of two old tops a toothbrush and a pair of walking boots... unless he means teh 'WII' that he gave me as he didnt want it!

Do you think this is an excuse to come over or he just wqants his stuff - its a forty minute drive from here to his ...

How do I act when he gets here??? And when do I reply to this ?; March 18, 2013 at 10:31 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror-

Advice needed! So I have been back in touch with my reappearing guy for a month. We have been communicating a lot more over the phone, but have only seen each other 3 times. We are working professionals, so it can be tough for us to get together. Plus, I don't want to be overly available to him like last time. After our last date he told me he was wondering if I ready to have sex. I said not yet. He said he thought it would bring us emotionally closer and bond us. I told him a lot has happened over the past 6 months, but I was somewhat hesitant giving him an answer so it went unresolved. I think he hasn't fully captured how much he hurt me. He knows I was upset, but I don't think he embraced the emotionally aspect I felt. We have never slept together, and he knows I am a virgin( he said he was too!). I think its purely his male hormones talking.... He doesn't date a lot of girls because his job is very demanding.

We talked about the sex thing again over the weekend, and I told him that I wasn't ready because a lot has happened over the past few months that makes me uncomfortable with taking the next step with him. He wasn't upset about it, and then proceeded to ask me to chill with him while he studied for his certification boards.

Its a very difficult situation. When we first met he was very open with me. He shared details of his life, but now he is very hesitant. Like he doesn't trust me anymore. I asked him about something regarding his work, and he said that he didn't think I cared. Like unbelievable. I just shrugged it off. Like how am I suppose to be comfortable with someone who don't want to communicate with me on basic stuff but want a sexual relationship? Before we had a falling out, I said some hurtful things to him. However, he IGNORED me. I think he is somewhat insecure despite his bravado at times, and doesn't want to be rejected in a sense. He is a bit of a social recluse and appears emotionally damaged.

I don't know how to communicate that I need more from him before I take the next step. He said yesterday that his social life isn't a huge priority right now. I was thinking about just pulling back from him while he study for his boards. I want him to wonder why I don't want to be around him anymore. Because I don't want to waste my time for someone who can't make a priority right now. In addition, I don't want to lose control of the situation by feeling like I am chasing him.; March 18, 2013 at 11:42 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA! there was this guy who disappeared on me. we'd been texting and talking for approx 3 months and then we decided to meet up. after that, he just disappeared. i texted him after a few days, just asking what time he got home.. just small talk. after that i did the no contact rule. do you think he'll be back?; March 18, 2013 at 12:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much Mirror for this great work ur doing and the quick respone u give.
I have 2 questions:
1. I noticed my guy stoppd contactin me & I stoppd 4 one month. He calld askin y i stoppd callin. I told him coz i realized he didn't want 2 talk 2 m so i decided to let him be. Pls i want to no if dis response is ok & wat do i do
2. With all these i av read frm dis site really, it will be difficult to know a good guy.
How do u get to know the good guys, recognise them and not miss out on them because u don't want men to play their dirty games on u?
@ I Need To Know@; March 18, 2013 at 2:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @I Need to Know,
Read the article on this site titled, "how do you find a good man."; March 18, 2013 at 3:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh Lordy Mirror-
Its cappy girl and I just re read what I wrote you last night! Ekk, I was writing on my phone and couldnt preview and it auto corrected alot! Sorry for sounding, um illiterate!

The man didnt "love me" I was asking if men obsess as much as women, if they "look at profiles" not love lol

The Taurus guy might be everything you say but I wanted to flush out the info I sent you.
We didnt have sex, he was respectful of my boundries, tried to push a little as all men will, but reiterated we had all the time in the world to discover each other and he was in no rush.
His text messages became more sexual after the 3rd date sometimes implying things in the future but he was aware and okay that I was not ready to go further at this point (frankly initially, I kinda wanted too, but when a man distances I am not getting the romancing I need to get you the physical intimacy he wants)
He was in a marriage that ended a year ago. It only lasted a year and a half after a 7 month courtship and he expressed that is why he was nervous about going too fast in a relationship even though he painted future stories all the time.
His fb still had a picture of his ex on it on our first date but he took it down before our second date.(I am not his fb friend)
He swears he is completely over her, they no longer have contact and that it isnt because he was talking to or seeing anyone else or hung up on anyone. He blamed himself and said he doesnt know what was wrong with him. Maybe a game, but I have met players before and am usually pretty good at snuffing them out.

If they get to the scared place and back off and you give them space, will they eventually start checking your profile etc? I know sometimes after bad relationships I have sneaked a peek at at ex's profile. And I do take note of when this guy is online.
I think part of my issue is the men I have been going on dates with are not doing it for me and seem jaded so I need to screen future dates better.
I am working hard at impulse control. I had some great pictures taken that I know the Tauras guy would love but I am resisting showing them and maintaining n/c! I think this impulse is based on wanting validation from him but for the life of me I am not sure why my brain thinks I need that (sigh)
Thank you again for your great articles and advice.
Sorry for the last late night incoherent post.
I cant wait to try out what I have learned here on a new fella in the future.; March 18, 2013 at 4:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 18, 9:13 AM,
"I know you said to leave teh contact for a week. . . I then called him - no answer . So I decided to message him on teh site."

Honey, you can't ask for advice, then ignore it, and then expect a miracle to occur, LOL. You have to practice self discipline.

"can someone just STOP loving you like this? Someone I adore???"

Yes, regretfully, when someone is unhappy, their feelings change and they leave.

"I have done/been on my own over a year before Mr. A came along and been stable and happy, and strong against the odds. It was just the hormones"

Don't make excuses dear. Because you still have "free will" to control the hormones and impulses. Self discipline.

"What can I do???"

Nothing dear. You can't make a man love you or want to be with you.

"theres been no explanation"

No explanation is needed. I believe you sent him away - and he went away. There's really nothing to explain sweetie.

"Why say it and then do something else?"

Because he's unhappy and as a result, he's not going to make any commitments right now.

"Do I ahve to wait 31 days now before making contact again, if I still feel teh need to?"

I would not contact him again at all. I'd wait to see if he contacts me. If not, then do your best to move on.

"What can I do just sit and wait?"

No, you can move on sweetie. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and carry on living your life. Stand strong.

"all I know is that this feelign of being totally and utterly blankeed/ignored and finished out of teh blue is worst in the world."

This didn't come out of the blue dear. There was a big fight that led up to it I believe. It's no mystery what happened here :-(

Read this piece here and follow it, it'll help you to detach from him and begin to move on and heal:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html; March 18, 2013 at 5:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 18, 10:31 AM,
"Do you think this is an excuse to come over or he just wants his stuff"

I imagine he wants his stuff dear :-(

"How do I act when he gets here???"

You act normal, pleasant, strong and non-emotional.

"And when do I reply to this?"

The sooner you reply, the sooner you can get this over with and put it behind you.; March 18, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA
X here from March 14, (2.13pm) thank you for your excellent response.
I did go on a lovely first date with dissappearing man (from 5 months ago). The date was light, fun and hopefully he found me good company. (I didnt question him on his dissappearence act as felt what was the point)..Would you question a man on this? would you think it appropriate to ask why he dissappeared?

We spent 5 hours together chatting/drinking... at 8pm he said lets go.. (I assumed he meant lets go back to your place and naturally he was confident he was going to have sex with me) I said lets go where? he got the message, I said I am going back to my home and you are going back to yours, so we carried on chatting/drinking another 2 hours. At the end of the date, 10pm, when we departed at the underground station. I just said would be nice to meet up again. he said I cannot tell you a day now, but will text later on. I didnt like the vibe. and I thought ok, he obviously doesnt want to see me again.

I went straight home to bed.. and turned my mobile phone off.. Next morning.. (he must of sent the message last night) I received a message saying "hope you got home alright"? (in the past he never had done that)...

I responded yes thanks, and thank you for a lovely evening, would be nice to do again.

Was this the right thing to say? he obviously knows that I liked him, otherwise I wouldnt have agreed to meet up with him again.. but I just feel he may have been looking for a one night stand..

Do you think there will be any chance I may hear from him again regading a second date.? I am trying to stay positive, happy.. and I cetainly believe the law of attraction, as felt as soon as I was over him. and felt good about myself I heard from him. I am trying to be upbeat and happy... and getting on with my life.. so fingers crossed.. xx; March 18, 2013 at 5:24 PM
Lady Leo said...: @chk61,

My gf texted today, only about a spam text one of my old email accounts sent her. I didn't reply. She later called and left a message. I deleted it, not because I'm angry but because Im detaching. It's interesting that even though I love my friend, I know I need to pull back for both self preservation and to teach her she must treat a friend better than she has. It's much easier to do this with a platonic friend, isn't it?

Today made an attempt to view one of his photos at an old profile he has, but I stopped myself. Remembered how it doesn't help me at all and only hurts to see him. That was enough to make me stop. It gets easier. As for your obsessing about telling your man about your celibacy, that's just your ego kicking you, trying to make you take the blame for his bailing out. Nothing in the world you can do to take back what's done, so just accept it. Obsessing over it is trying to take back your control. I find that when I accept the things Im powerless over, I find great peace. Focus instead, as you and I both are, the gratitude for NOT having slept with him. As I've written before, my ex told me early on that when he "gets close" to a woman, he pushes her away. Fear. No trust. So for this guy to have bailed BEFORE he got my googdies tells me his early words were prophetic. Let me tell you, it was a given that the next date we would have had there would be sex. So, he gets cold feet and runs BEFORE that? That tells me he left cus he is emotionally constipated and not cus he just wanted in my bloomers.

I am coming to a place of acceptance. It IS what it IS....if it wasn't, then it would be something else. I am very spiritual and believe in the universe (God) and know that if god wanted this to be different, it most certainly would be. I have to let go of control. I am not in charge, as we say in my circles. I love Eckhart Tolle, he teaches how to live in the moment, even bad moments that don't feel so good. And accept them as they are and find out how to be at peace.

When I read some of the recent "panic" posts some women write here to MOA, begging her for a magic potion, or wanting her to read from her crystal ball if their man will return, I feel great sorrow for them. It's as if their life depends on "the man" to make them happy. I know how broken a woman can feel when rejected and having lost great love. It's happened twice now, back to back relationships. But at some point we have to hit bottom hard enough to find yourself.

Happiness is an INSIDE job!!
Hugs <3; March 18, 2013 at 7:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
"What would you advise me to tell him if I decided to answer the phone?"

I would not engage him in verbal communication due to the fact that he may attempt to pull you into a verbal battle and/or confrontation.

If you must, simply respond to a communication attempt from him with something along the lines of:

"I know you've been attempting to contact me, I've been very busy, my apologies. However, I have met someone and I'm exploring where this leads. I wish you all the best, take care."

"What would be the best thing to tell him to teach him a lesson?"

That you've met someone else - YOU made a CHOICE and chose a man that was BETTER than HIM. (i.e. he failed to impress you and/or win you over ;-); March 19, 2013 at 4:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 17, 6:10 PM,
"Should I apply the 30 day NC, or should I wait a few days then respond?"

With a man that has no valid reason to be telephoning you at 3AM - ABSOLUTELY.

If it were me, yep, I'd apply the no contact rule (and I'd probably NEVER speak to him again, LOL).; March 19, 2013 at 5:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA

X here with more to add to post March 18 5.24pm.. I just want to add, after I mentioned there was no chance of going back to my house .. I got the feeling he respected that ..(and I think he even thought how he had the nerve to expect me to say yes after disappearing) and we continued on the evening for another 2 hours ..

He didnt apologise or even offer an excuse for disappearing...

Also just to remind you, we dated for 2 months, (so 6 dates in all).. i wasnt emotional, needy or demanding.. just I guess I was an option and he dissappeared on me.. took me 2 months to get over him.. Its the worse I have ever been over a man.. and felt it broke me down, as never had one do the disappearing act.. and found it hard to accept... I wanted answers.. (normally I would have chased and chased but applied NC..) as fortunately read and sought your advice..

I made contact after 3 and half months.. (when I felt better about myself and could accept rejection) and again I initiated contact 2 weeks later.. I just left it after that and forgot about him.. Then 6 weeks later he contacted me.. which in turn lead to the date..

It took two weeks to arrange the date as I was busy (some of the times), but wanted to play hard to get.. (and also not sure if he was wanting me for a one night stand).. as I initiated the text.

I keep thinking of one of your sayings .. you don't reward bad behaviour with treats.. :-)

I kind of feel empowered that I didnt go down that route and give into him Sunday night.. as I sure I would have felt really down now.

Unfortunately, I am still thinking of him 24/7 wondering if he will contact me for a second date? Plus when I texted him in response to did you get home alright. saying thank you for a lovely evening, why couldnt he have replied yes I enjoyed it too.. ?? (I kind of feel he isnt really that respectful or actually doesnt really care)
X; March 19, 2013 at 5:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 18, 11:42 AM,
"He said he thought it would bring us emotionally closer and bond us."

NO. He thought it would bring YOU closer (to him) and bond YOU (to him), LOL ;-)

"he knows I am a virgin"

All the more reason to have him work at it.

"Like how am I suppose to be comfortable with someone who don't want to communicate with me on basic stuff but want a sexual relationship?"

You're not. And if he makes no attempts to develop this level of comfort between you - then he's certainly NOT entitled to any sexual rewards for his lack of effort and understanding.

"I don't know how to communicate that I need more from him before I take the next step."

You've already communicated this to him. He doesn't need it spelled out, he's a grown man and he already KNOWS what that means.

"I was thinking about just pulling back from him while he study for his boards."

Sounds like a good idea. Keep yourself emotionally detached for right now until he puts some effort into the situation and expresses some form of understanding with regards to it.; March 19, 2013 at 5:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @X,
"He didnt apologise or even offer an excuse for disappearing..."

Not a good sign dear :-( It's indicative of arrogance and entitlement.

"you don't reward bad behavior with treats"

NEVER reward bad behavior or poor treatment dear. Bad behavior receives consequences:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Proper treatment receives rewards :-)

"I kind of feel empowered that I didnt go down that route and give into him Sunday night.. as I sure I would have felt really down now."

Yes, you would've so be proud of yourself for that and let that positive feeling sink in so that it reinforces more positive behavior of looking out for yourself.

"I am still thinking of him 24/7 wondering if he will contact me for a second date?"

He may or may not - but I wouldn't expect too many miracles from this man given his past history of less than admirable behavior.

"why couldnt he have replied yes I enjoyed it too.. ??"

Like I said - don't expect too much from a man like this.

"I kind of feel he isnt really that respectful or actually doesnt really care."

That's your gut speaking to you - your "women intuition" - and you should ALWAYS listen to it.; March 19, 2013 at 5:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,
X here, thanks for your rapid response..
Yes, I couldnt agree with you more.. just want I don't want to hear.. but have to hear..
I must admit I didnt want to put pressure on him and ask what was the disappearance about etc.? But being a man he could have mentioned it, if he was feeling bad and had a conscious..
Also I must mention I was originally meant to meet him Friday evening after work, I waited and waited allday for text of confirmation.. Until 3.30 pm and I had to give in and ask if we were still due to meet ?
He responded I have to work until 10pm tonight.. perhaps you can meet me after or if that doesnt suit how about Sunday.. I replied lets meet Sunday.. then he responded.. why don't I come to your area after and have a drink there.. (What I wait indoors for him to come to my area around 10.30/11pm).. no thanks thats not a date.. plus also I reckon it was a ploy to just come to mine..
So I replied lets just meet Sunday now.. I really don't believe he had to work late Friday .. I reckon he was going to go out with his friends, and see if I was going to actually go along with this plan of meeting late.. (I am not sure.. but who knows)??
Also I didnt like the disrespect of not even telling me earlier on in the day that he had to work late... but waited for me to contact him..
I just feel he has got worse to be honest.. he was never like this before..
Will he ever prove himself .. I will now read how to say no dating life consequence and remind myself.. not to put up with this S.....t

signed X; March 19, 2013 at 5:55 PM
Lady Leo said...: @ X,

I've read your situation and just wondered...

Why didn't YOU address his disappearance?

Don't you think your silence on the matter has sent the message that he doesn't have to account for it cus obviously its ok with you, since after all, you're not complaining about it.

It's the pink elephant in the living room. You get to control how much it dumps on you. If I were you, I'll lean wayyyyy back from this guy for weeks with NC. Then if he makes many attempts to contact you, I'd respond and ask directly. Otherwise, I think you're on your way back for another vanishing act.

Remember, we teach people how to treat us.

I wish you all the best. take care of YOU!!!; March 19, 2013 at 6:12 PM
chk61 said...: Just feeling a little sad and lonely tonight, on the brink of tears. I'm worried, turning 52 this year, looks are fading and I'm dealing with what could become a chronic injury.

He seemed really into me in the beginning and I keep thinking if had played things differently and been more of a femme fatale, hard-to-get, played the scarce card, did not let him know I was attracted to him, etc. I would not be sitting here fighting back tears.

Yeah, I know. He sounds like a jerk from my past posts. But he fell in love with his last serious girlfriend and she seemed quite nice and grounded. I am really struggling with thoughts of "I blew it."

Getting close to 60 days from his last initiated contact and I'm not feeling great at the moment. This too shall pass.; March 19, 2013 at 6:39 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I'm new here (~Points North~). Glad I found this site. And people like me are grateful to have someone like you to vent to and get advice. I apologize in advance for the length of this.

I, personally, have been emotionally unavailable most my life. I'm in my 40s (never married) and have just started loving myself and realize I am worthy of a good man in my life. I've been online dating now for a few months.

I met someone late January. We're 2 hours apart but it didn't seem to bother him (and it didn't me because I have property in his state). He vested time and energy - made the trips or willing to make the trips. We could only put in about one date a week (public places), but carelessly, we slept together on the 4th date even though we both wanted to take it slow and wait (we even joked how we'd wait until at least the 10th date). We both seemed to know from past mistakes that we wanted to do this right. And we both derailed from that path. Everything was fine even after that. Then comes the 5th date and I made the drive to his place. Because of car issues I had at the time, he was willing to make the trip to my place instead. I have to admit, I was willing to still drive to his place because I wanted to check out his place - how he lived - get some insight on this man.

More to follow...; March 19, 2013 at 7:33 PM
Anonymous said...: from Points North:

He always did the initiating and I rarely ever texted or called him first. Though I did, for example, when I wanted to run by him what the mechanic had said. Never contacted him for reasons about us. We talked or texted nearly every day. But I never considered us in a relationship as he hadn't asked to be exclusive. I wasn't proactive in "online searching" for other dates, but those who contacted me didn't interest me. So during this time I wasn't dating anyone else. Mind you, had I, I wouldn't sleep with more than one man. If someone else began to spark my interest more than this man, I would have stopped sleeping with him.

Also - just to give you some idea where I was mentally and emotionally, I wasn't all into this man even at the third date. I was still trying to figure out if he did it for me. I wasn't even initially attracted to him when he contacted me online. Ironically, I replied to him because I told myself I have to stop going after the wrong men and accept dates from your average Joe. I surprised myself and was actually interested after our first date to continue dating (I really didn't find his online pictures to be attractive at all). Both of us hadn't had sex in at least a year, and the physical aspect/attraction over time was building. And as I mentioned, the 10th date goal went out the window.

More to follow...; March 19, 2013 at 7:34 PM
Anonymous said...: More from Points North:

He always asked to see me again towards the end of each date and I noticed he wasn't during the 5th. I noticed, but for some reason didn't get stuck on it. I went home the following day after the 5th date (sex again - and 3 times on both occasions). Sex with him was the best I've ever had. The second time (5th date), it actually felt like love-making (not sure I ever felt that before) rather than just sex. I noticed that for the first time, I opened my eyes to look at the man I was making love to and he was already looking into mine. And we locked that way for a while.

It was that week following that the texts were fewer. Tuesday I contacted a friend saying, "How can I seemingly feel like I'm falling for someone one day and then the next day feel nothing?" I was starting to outright notice my own nature of pulling away, but have matured and was working through it WHILE continuing to date the person.

More to follow...; March 19, 2013 at 7:35 PM
Anonymous said...: More from Points North:

He called on Wednesday evening and I had a sinking feeling immediately that he was going to end it. We just talked a bit. He seemed down. I didn't ask when we'd see each other, just was cool and easy. I even alluded to already having plans the coming weekend (partly true but I wanted to put him at ease that I wasn't trying to nail him down for a committed relationship - hey, we're both scared here...hahaha). Immediately after hanging up he texted me - thanks for the talk, it felt nice (smiley face). Sorry I was out of sorts.

Texts were still fewer and when Friday came he asked when I was leaving for the weekend - I said in a few minutes. Nothing until Sunday night when he called and we chatted. He sounded happy. But he didn't ask me out again. That was 9 days ago and the last time there was any communication.

I also noticed that he updated his online profile. I wasn't looking for it, but after a few days I decided to start searching again myself and his came up. I now go around his age so I don't have to see his profile come up at all.

So, a little about him. He has abandonment issues and is part of a support group to help with his relationship issues. When he was 15 his father committed suicide. But during his years with his father, his father often flew him while doing drug runs. His father never took drugs himself and nor has this man. But he did tell me that he always knew at any given time due to the nature of what his father was involved with that he could die any time (and is risking his child's life). Couple that with the fact that his mother must have known that her ex-husband was putting her child in danger (did she try to do anything about it???). This man is intelligent. He flies, sails long distances, has a degree in a difficult study, and owns a successful business (in his 40s never been married).

Sadly, he knows I also have abandonment issues and yet he poofed on me. That, to me, is thoughtless.

And here is where I'm at with all this. For the first time EVER, I'm not blaming myself. So I'm proud I have grown and matured over the years. I see this for what it is. If he lost interest, he wasn't man/mature/secure enough to tell me. And he had easy outs to let me down easily - lie and say the distance was too much, lie and say that after all you do want to have and raise children with someone. But he didn't. He just dropped the ball. But if he is just scared (again, I see it for what it is), well, I'm not sure that works for me after all of my own personal growth.

So why am I writing to you? Well, first, I have no desire, need, etc., to contact this man. If he doesn't want me, fine, there are plenty of men out there who do! So, I don't even have to convince myself to do the NC thing. What I do need help with is what to do if he contacts me. I am SO strong right now and SO want just a normal relationship with a normal guy. It was a long road for me to get here. I feel that if I were willing to give this guy a second chance, I would be going back a step or 2, or 3 from my own personal growth. In the past, I would have texted, called, pleaded to a man about what happened, what went wrong, what did I do. Today - I know I didn't do A THING! HE is the one who has emotional hang ups. I'm still not 100% convinced he's someone I'd want to "walk down the isle with," but I wish the dating wasn't cut short so that we would have been able to determine where the dating was going to lead to. AND, since I know about the emotional baggage - because I overcame it, I wonder if I'd be able to better see it in him and pace a relationship better (yes, looking back I should have done this, but this totally caught me off guard because I thought I WAS mirroring his behavior). So you can see that by me even asking you this, that I am still delicately holding onto the growth I've had in valuing myself.

Thank you,

~Points North~; March 19, 2013 at 7:36 PM
Spirit said...: ok i made a big mistake. the man i was dating told me we have no chemistry and he is not attracted to me. He disappeared for 1 month and a half. all of a sudden he show up where i go fishing at and he couldnt keep his hands and lips off me. I ended up going home with him and we had sex. then he disappeared again for 4 more day. all of a sudden he calls me and ask me if we can hangout, i said yes. i when to his house and we end up having sex again and this time he doesnt want me to leave. Everytime i say i am going home he ask me to stay another night. i ended up stay a week with him. i finally got home. I still dont know what he want from me. I don't know if he using me for sex.iI ask him to say he using me for sex but he wont say it. He doesnt like to call or text me. He just show up where i am fishing at. I am not sure what to do or where to go with his man. I love his son he ten years old and his son was my fishing buddy before we started dating. Now i am hurting and not sure what to do about the mess. i really need some input. If he isnt attracted to me and have no chemistry. why he come back looking for me and why he wont let me leave and keeping asking me to stay another night. I am lost and I do love him but he hurt me so bad that now i am thinking of doing the disappearing thing to him.; March 19, 2013 at 7:47 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @chk61

It wasn't you. He didn't disappear because of you. He is gone because of him and his choices.

There are plenty more men out there, plenty. Looks fade dear, our character and our grace do not. Neither does our sense of humor, our ability to love again and discover new beginnings when it's right.

That guy wasn't right.

I understand your sadness... hell, I am there at times too; but it's not his days of contact that matter, it's your days of living.

Sometimes things just aren't right between two people... and sometimes people go with the flow to see how things roll not thinking of how it will impact the other person. In some cases, I'm sure it is not malicious, they are just looking out for themselves.

You did not blow it... life happens, and this was just part of life. Sometimes things happen to us, but it's not about us, it's about the other person. We are just part of it for some reason or another... sometimes we also have a lesson to learn or sometimes life knows we can handle it.

Age is just a number dear; well, that's not entirely true. Age is also experience and knowledge and history... and being able to know what's important. So, use it girl as a secret and smile. :); March 19, 2013 at 8:22 PM
@LONDON CALLING said...: @MOA, Virgochick, Gemini50, Peter...its been awhile since I contributed. Have missed you all dearly! Great to see the community of supportive ladies growing...Sis'Ta Taurus, Lady Leo, chk61, HopefulWithMen...its AWESOME isn't it, this healthy support system.

Question for @MOA and @Peter, our resident male expert..
What is it about female DNA that we must PUSH, in order to get REJECTED, come onto this blog, find our self worth and PROJECT IT?

Why isn't it as natural for us as it is for guys? This little boy is NOT having it! And he doesn't even know what he's pushing against. Why do we do this ladies?

Is it in our DNA?

http://ow.ly/jenhx; March 19, 2013 at 8:47 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello chk61;

I identify with you on several levels which is why I think I address many of my comments to you. I see a lot of the old me in you. I have great compassion for you as I see you suffering quite a bit. I'd like to offer to help you with some insight, but I should warn you I feel some tough love coming on. I come from the 12 step recovery world where we are all consumed by the disease of "me" that sometimes it takes a sharp hit with the tough love stick to come into awareness.

What I see with you is your inability to "accept" his leaving, your behavior that you "think" lead to him leaving, your aging, and your insecurity with your looks. Combined with your injury that is all really taking you down the rabbit hole of victim and despair. Sorry to say you are not that powerful that if you had the chance to go back to the past and change yourself into the "femme fatale" you could prevent him from leaving. He left because HE is insecure, or HE isnt over his ex, or HE is just an asshole. Good, healthy decent men don't disappear on nice women. So stop thinking you are powerful enough to cause someone to change their self-will choices.

Humans don;t like not having control, and your inability to control the outcome to what youd have it be is your problem today. "What you resits, shall persist". You are severely resisting accepting that he is gone, the reason he left and your projecting the ddoom and gloom of your future. The "noise factory" in your head is on overdrive and no amount of obsessing is going to help or change the outcome.

I've thought many of times "If only" I'd done things differently, HE WOULD STAY. Well, do I really want to change who I am for some insecure guy??? I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I know better now and I will do better next time. He isn't the last guy on earth yet you seem to think so. Why? Because your self-esteem is at an all time low and you have no faith or confidence in yourself. Insecure....just like him. So, how do you change that? Can you just go to Macy's and buy a jar of "Confidence" in the beauty aisle and smear it over your face and VOILA! you're back to being the dynamite, sexy woman you know you are? NO! Not that easy. You gotta get back into life, friends, community, being of service, pampering yourself, affirmations and STOP obsessing and start accepting.

Self-esteem, like happiness, is an inside job. You will recover from this injury to both your body and your heart and soul....IF you work at it. How do I know? Because there are millions upon millions of people who have been dumped and they have moved on. What law says YOU won't be one of them?

I have been through the same identical heart break you have and I am WORKING through it in the ways I mentioned above. I surround myself by a network of supportive friends, men and women, who know what happened and they support me through the sad days. I dust myself off and push thru the shitty feelings. And after 6 weeks I am surviving and letting go. Cus if he and I are not meant to be we WON'T be...no matter how much I wish it were different. Stop resisting, start accepting and you find the man who IS meant to be yours is waiting just around the corner.
xoxo; March 19, 2013 at 9:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello again, & thanks for the reply. After the 3am call & he confirmed that it was him, he has made 2 more attempts to call me at reasonable hours. I'm going to apply the NC & work on myself. If he makes more attempts do you recommend I contact him then or not?

You mentioned that you wouldn't talk to him again, but I'm just unsure how to proceed. A part of me wants to contact him but then again I don't want to. Do you believe it's just not worth it & just leave it alone?; March 20, 2013 at 3:53 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @chk61

Aww dear,sending lots of love and positive vibes your way!!You are not alone,ever,you have YOU,your beautiful,timeless,amazing you.Where is the love for that You?Don't let your SELF shrivel away inside of you!It would be a crime!

You put WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOURSELF.If you expect every next relationship to be "the one" things will always go wrong. You should be "the one". You will find the dream man when you become the dream woman you desire to be.

You don't need a man to be happy,you can have fun without a man,you are strong and independent,you are fabulous.Take the veil off your eyes.I think your injury is adding to your sorrow and you can't see clearly right now.

Always do whatever you want,with no fear of losing a particular ''him'' and with the joy of being YOU.

You,you,you!Hugs!; March 20, 2013 at 7:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 20, 3:53 AM,
Well, as I stated, if it were me - no, I wouldn't waste my time on a many sending signals like that (booty call signals and disrespect). But the choice is your sweetie :-); March 20, 2013 at 9:04 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks to Gemini 50 and Lady Leo for your kind supportive words. My injury is definitely darkening my mood as I feel pretty isolated (live alone) and it is definitely affecting my life in a big way. This all happened after I last saw my disappearing date so he knows nothing about this. I was a young, vibrant athletic person (the athletic is what led to this injury however...) and being cooped up is making me very lonely, and of course, his continued disappearance causing me to further romanticize him when truthfully, he doesn't deserve it.

I really appreciate your taking the time to write your helpful words. I'm sure there is light at this end of this tunnel!; March 20, 2013 at 2:29 PM
Anonymous said...: I don't plan to. I am going to walk away because yes it was disrespectful. I DO NOT allow anyone to call me at that hour AT ALL & for him to have the nerve to do it just pissed me off even more as I thought about it. I really makes me mad.

I want to text him back & say loose my freaking # you loser, lol, but maybe it's best I say nothing, but I would love to just tell him off. I'm mad at myself because I was even considering calling him back. I'm also pissed at myself because I accepted bad behavior from him in the past & I want to tell him to F*** off. He never called me late like that before but there were other things I've disregarded. I'm starting to loathe him, moreso angry at myself for allowing such bull. Smh...; March 20, 2013 at 4:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Lady Leo, I've read what you wrote to chk61. I have my up & down days. I'm just so angry & I don't know how to let these feelings go. I want revenge so bad I can taste it. Karma? Yeah I hear about it all the time, but I would love to be the one to give it to him.

I blame myself because I allowed this crap to happen. I know much better now, but I'm just very angry. When he did call me I felt really great & empowered because I ignored this loser, but I pondered on it & I just started to get mad. I hate that I allowed so much & I hate that these feelings are still lingering.

I have no problem getting out, pampering myself, etc., but I don't know how to get over this anger. I feel like crying not because I'm sad, but because I'm pissed off. >:-[; March 20, 2013 at 4:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA & Lady Leo (X here)

Lady Leo thank you for taking time to read and answer my problems with disappearing man.. Looking back now I wish I did ask him what was the reason for disappearing, as my brain is whirling around with questions.. I wanted to put to him.. but felt I would make him uncomfortable.. and I wanted to make the evening light and fun.. I was trying to make myself look / be confident and didnt want to put him on the spot..

I am not sure if that is the right attitude to take .. what do you think I should have done MOA?

After all we did spend 5 hours chatting/drinking... it was a lovely evening.. (of course he did say lets go, meaning go back to mine).. but I said go where?... he got the message and respected it... and we just continued chatting for the next two hours later..

Lady Leo I see where you are coming from, and perhaps I should have addressed his disappearance..I think you are right now as I am sending the message it is ok with me..... and it cetainly isnt... / wasnt.

I hope to see him again and put it to him..

MOA, I started to get my life back on track and reading a book "Secrets of Attraction" by Sandra Ann Taylor... I started to feel confident about myself, and was projecting confident energy... suddenly I heard from this man.. my confidence has gone down a notch or two the last few days, worrying if I will hear from him, re a second date.

Yes, he was good company and paid for all the drinks.. and we got on well. Yes, he checked to see if I got home ok (never did this before).. but failed to apologise or mention his disappearance.

But does he wants to see me again? I don't know, I havnt heard from him since Sunday? Yes, I should feel confident that all went well... (I didnt give in to a spending the night with him) but I am not confident...that I will hear from him... that he actually really cares, of course he was after sex... but would he think of me in a different light now.. who knows?? Time will tell..

I don't want to waste any more energy thinking about him.. I need to think about myself.... I am going to back on track. with my Law of Attraction practice.. and one day I will get there.
X; March 20, 2013 at 4:52 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Chk61,
Have you thought that maybe the injury is forcing you to slow down for a reason?

I don't know... but it sounds to me, from your posts, that the injury has forced you to really look at some things that maybe you wouldn't have if you didn't get hurt.

Maybe there is a lesson in all of this that is waiting to be discovered so that you can move on to better things. :); March 20, 2013 at 6:15 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hi Anonymous,

Let me share with you my solution to the anger. But be warned, you won't like it :~) But as I have learned in life, I don't have to like the solution I just have to apply it....if I want to get out of the pain.

If the law of karma is real and I believe it is, and you do too cus you said so, then karma works in the reverse. If you do something KIND for another, then something KIND will come back to you, right?

What I do when I am in anger at someone, I pray for them. I ask god to give them the same love, abundance, mercy and grace that he has given to me, only give it to them 10 times more!! Sometimes I say it through gritted teeth, sometimes I even cuss because Im so damn angry, and I dont mean these prayers. You dont have to MEAN the prayer, you just have to say it. And do it daily for 14 days. Sometimes I say it twice a day. You will find within a week or so, the resentment will lift and you will be able to say the prayer without anger.

I've used this practice for over 10 years and it works. Its a spiritual principal that what goes around, comes around. So send out the love for the guy who hurt you and the love with be returned in the form of release from anger and pain. If you refuse to wish well onto your enemy, it is your ego taking over. And if ego is the driving force behind all these disappearing men, then what does it say about us?

I have prayed daily for the man who disappeared. My anger has been relieved for several weeks now. The sadness is lifting and acceptance is definitely a regular visitor in the noise making machine in my head. I still miss him, but occasionally do the "but why's" in my mind. It is what is....and I DO believe someday I will know why it all happened. One thing I know for sure is that this was meant to teach me a lesson and I have definitely learned many...if nothing else, I found MOA and this site and WOW...what an education in men Ive had.

Chk61....your injury is definitely affecting your emotions. Are you able to get out and just sit near water, a lake, or some sort of nature? Be with people, get stimulated through nature and environment. It will recharge you immensely. Keep focusing on your self care....this too shall pass.; March 20, 2013 at 8:15 PM
Anonymous said...: I hear you Lady Leo, but I'm not there yet. I honestly don't wish anything good for him & I sure as hell do not wanna pray for him. I'd rather pretend he's dead or something. That may sound harsh but I don't wish him well. I'm just being honest.

I DO know why he disappeared & I've learned so much. Alot of it was my fault, accepting bad behavior, but I'm still mad as hell at him. I still love him but I made the conscious decision to not speak to him again. It hurts because it's like he disappeared again when I'm the one that's ignoring him; March 21, 2013 at 1:33 AM
Anonymous said...: This article makes so much sense I can't help but keep coming back to it. It's nice to find other people experiencing the peculiarities of the male species!

It's been 22 days since I last heard from my disappearing man and 18 days since I last contacted him (we saw each other about once a week for a couple of months, 6 dates all up). In that last week of contact I started to get anxious because he had been initiating contact less and making no real effort to see me, so I did the bad thing and initiated contact three days in a row – two were to legitimately try to organize a time to see him, his responses were fairly timely, and I never became worked up or crazy with him (no anger, no constant texting, gave him space etc.), but I fear I might've nevertheless scared him off. I (again, stupidly) contacted him four days after that little run to see how his day had been, and have heard nothing but crickets. I figure he's lost interest, so I haven't attempted to contact him at all since.

He is someone I know through work, however (though we don't work in the same place anymore), so we have several mutual work acquaintances (only one of whom knows we were dating). Lo and behold my supervisor innocently mentions him today, which gets me thinking about him again and questioning if I'm doing the right thing. I mean, I think I am, but part of me wonders if I should've made one more effort after his total blow-off the other week (he'd only done that once before, and then initiated contact the following day anyway). Part of this is tied up in the fact that I think he has some significant personal issues to sort through (it's just gone 12 months since he separated from his wife and mother of one of his kids, and I don't think he's been as accepting of the split as she has), so I wonder if I should have reached out in a more caring way e.g., after a few days 'no worries if you don't want to chat, but hope you're well'.

But, that also seems stupid, dense and needy, especially if his silence is his 'polite' way of getting rid of me. And to be honest, I think at this point it would also be rather presumptuous of me to think he needs me to care about his emotional needs so much - I know he has a large and supportive circle of friends and family to keep an eye out for him, and I think I would just be further complicating things.

So have I got it right? Should I just keep ploughing ahead with no contact? I know I can do it (I can’t believe it’s been 18 days already!), but I just feel a bit complicated by the fact that I know him from prior to our dating, and have genuinely warm feelings towards him as a person/workmate/acquaintance (despite his lousy behavior now). In that situation, disappearing like he has also feels like an especially odd way to end things with a person!; March 21, 2013 at 4:28 AM
Lady Leo said...: @Anonymous:

Ok, so you'd rather drink the poison (anger) yet hope it is HE that dies?

If you were dying from a cancerous tumor and your doctor said that only thing that could save you would be to pray for this man, would you?

Of course you would. To save your life. Well, the anger is killing your soul.....yet you'd rather hold onto that?

Resentment is like acid: It destroys the vessel that carries it.

The prayer is not for HIS benefit, my dear, but for YOURS!; March 21, 2013 at 9:15 AM
Anonymous said...: Dearest Mirror of Aphrodite

I just wanted to update you out of courtesy as to what has happened.

I found the article you advised me to read AMAZINGLY helpful - thank you SO MUCH.

Your insight into the male mentality is amazing... APPLY IT LADIES - IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC!

I used the no -contact rule (until yes, admittedly I stupidly got in touch on that dating site). I kept it up all weekend...

He then contacted me asking if he could come get his stuff. I raised an eyebrow as there was not much here... I had already offered to post it too.

Anyway as you suggested I kept cool calm and non-emotional, and said yes no problem. In essence I made out I was cool about everything and had been really busy

SO his next text said - 'DO YOU WANT TO SORT THINGS OUT?'

I hesitated quite a while... then we ended up talking briefly. I said I admitted projecting onto him. He said he admitted projecting onto me - he had an Ex who was a bit of a 'bunny-boiler' so he thought it was Deja Vu

Then he said he had not stopped thinking of me, nite and day! And he wouldnt have gone on the datin site unless he had seen I had rejoined. I admitted it was an immature, knee-jerk reaction...

anyway long story short we kept it brief and agreed not to dwell on it. And he is coming up on Friday to make up...

I told him - NO ROMANCE, NO SEX! Because I realsie I had fallen into the trap of being allowed to be taken for granted, through reading your article....

I have learned SO MUCH from you Mirror of Aphrodite. I cant thank you enough...

Am going to let him chase me from now on - is it ok to initiate some contact though now and again?

Am definitely NOT falling into teh trap of me pandering /cooking for him every weekend. He can blinking well TAKE ME OUT! We ve only been together five months and you are right - good old fashioned courtship goes a LONG WAY!

I think that this may be why I was a bit insecure - I had fallen into a trap of being taken for granted without realising it...

So now I just want a nice healthy balance. Am not being so dependant on him - and now I have the tools necessary to deal with it if he ever does his disapperaing act again, am much more secure and confident. Funnily enough, I really was accepting it was over in my head and beginning to feel better about being single just as he turned it around...

You do reach that point - we all have that inner strength! So DO NOT FEAR ladies you will always be OK no matter what!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your advice dearest Mirror of Aphrodite - we will have been dating six months (minus that horrid 8 days) soon... an y advice on how to keep things happy would be amazing! Do I need to keep not texting??

You are amazing and I truly can not thank you enough for all your help and support. You are a wonderful lady and deserve a medal for helping so many with such fabulous coping mechanisms

Truly am a better being through reading your work :) xxxxx; March 21, 2013 at 3:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 21, 3:39PM,
Excellent! So glad to hear it. I knew he'd come back, LOL, but I pushed for you to accept it might be over instead...to strengthen your ability to develop coping skills with regards to loss ;-) Because when you learn to accept defeat or loss in a graceful manner that emits strength, a funny thing happens...your grace and strength draw them right back to you, LOL.

In other words, once they see you're fine without them...they no longer want to be without you ;-)

Moving forward, it's okay to reach out with occasional texting. But do not begin to dominate his time or attention when doing so. And only do this if he's keeping regular communication with you. Let him come to you 70-80% of the time...until things stabilize a bit. Give him plenty of room, independence and space to breath.

And pass this story of yours along to all of those girlfriends of yours that were mad at him and advising you to confront him. Confrontation pushes folks away...strength, grace and silence makes them curious and draws them towards you :-)

Stand strong and give yourself a big pat on the back here. You did really well, you followed the advice and it worked for you.

So congratulations to you. You now know your value and you've now found your strength - hold on tight to those two things dear ;-); March 21, 2013 at 4:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Lady Leo, I never said I hope he dies. I said I just pretend he did so I don't have to deal with it. Just completely blocking it out of my mind. I hear you about the anger issue, & I know it's for my benefit but I'm just not there yet.

Possibly with time, but I cannot bring myself to pray for him. I don't wish him anything actually. Nothing bad, nothing good. I wish him nothing at all. I will just find another way to let it go because to pray for him to do better is like spitting in my face. To hell with him, it's about ME & I want to do better. I'll pray for myself...screw him.; March 21, 2013 at 5:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Points North,
I hear what you're saying and I'd agree with you on most of it. Meaning, this man has lots of inner work to do still. He's in the process of doing so, but you've already worked on yourself and you're in a very good, very strong place right now. Dating a man like this might set you back.

You don't want to get caught up in the wake of his "stuff" right now.

If he returns, I think it's okay to see him on occasion - but honestly - I'd keep lots of space and distance there between the two of you. Meaning, date once or twice a month, not once or twice a week. Otherwise, you may become emotionally attached and begin to absorb his "stuff" as your own, attempting to help him or save him from himself - which you cannot do.

For now, just play it cool. I have a feeling he'll be back. And when that happens, feel free to speak with him and see him, but if you do, don't see him again for at least two or three weeks.

Keep some healthy distance and space there and you'll be okay ;-); March 21, 2013 at 6:15 PM

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