Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
LOL, he's fighting for control here and he's resentful that you're making him work at this to prove himself to you. He's uncomfortable with this new role - because it's balanced - and not completely 100% in his control.

And I think the reason he's again attempting to gain control is because Saturday...when you didn't freak out and jump, when you took your time getting back to him after he was non-responsive that morning, he KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT.

Ladies I'm telling you...men understand silence. They "get it" - thy know what it means. And what that meant to him that day is:

1) my old tricks aren't working anymore
2) she's serious about this
3) I'm going to have to Orkney at this

And most importantly:

4) this isn't going to be easy, LOL. Which is a real bummer for men these days because they're all so used to "instant gratification" with women.

So I imagine that's what's going through his head right now. And expect more of it. Change is uncomfortable...but our happiness lies in that tiny space - right outside your comfort zone - that tiny space where the outside fringes of you comfort zone overlap with the space just outside of it ;-); February 25, 2013 at 10:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
WTF..."I'm going to have to Orkney at this." Freakin auto correct, LOL. Is Orkney even a damn word?? I hate having "smart" mobile devices that are smarter than me, LOL!!

I meant to say, "I'm going to have to work this."; February 25, 2013 at 10:09 PM
Gypsy said...: What if you dated a guy a while back, and you're in no predicament to hook back up with him, right now. But you 'love' chatting with him through emails, and everything else about him. Is it fine to initiate emails because it's only 'friends'? I only have hope...lol! But one never knows.; February 26, 2013 at 2:23 AM
Plum said...: Hi MOA,

I went on a few dates with a guy and he disappeared. I have a gut feeling that he wanted "instant gratification" and didnt want to work for it. How can a girl avoid this or is it unavoidable?

Thanks; February 26, 2013 at 4:01 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi ladies and Peter!

I am Lady Leo, a leo woman w/scorpio moon. Very emotional as a result!

Been the "recipient" of a few disappearing men myself, which the latest being just 4 weeks ago. After 2 months of dating, no sex, daily talking/texting, his previously announced "trust issues" appeared and he faded off to the sunset. I reacted in typical "emo" fashion chasing after to find out "WTH"? So confused, I was reacting like a whirling derbish. Finally after his last cold text, I went NC. Been 14 days now (yay me!).

I maintained myself pretty strong during the 2 months, called me a "tough nut" to crack. As intimacy grew during our last weekend date, we both started to go distant, only I came back, he kept fading. He has a "fragile ego" according to him, and his insecurities did appear. So, he couldn't do the "get close" with me.

So, I've cut all contact, blocked from FB so he can't see me (tho we were never "friends" on FB). My dating profile still up, and to the outside world I am strong, confident and in control. Inside, it hurts.

I almost broke NC a few times, got wobbly a bit, but kept reading here and regained my strength. Thank you Aphrodite and all the awesome woman (and Peter) for posting. Unity in a common cause is what makes us through!!

xo

Lady Leo; February 26, 2013 at 2:39 PM
stefena said...: Hey! I loved yo advice! I used it on a man I am,dating out of town! I really worked! I got the lil bastard right were I want him now. But? I'm going 2 see him for the 1st time next month. I'm visiting him in his city. I payed 4 my own ticket cuz I didn't want him 2 think he was getting any sex just cuz he payed my way. He did want to pay 4 our hotel room, but I decided to pay for that on my own.,its a way 2 avoid sex, and 2 prove I am financially independent. When I see him fāce to face? How should I act?? It seems as though he likes bitchy women.,I'm. Generally a sweetheart...but I believe that's the reason he pulled this disappesring act in the 1st place. Tips???suggestions???appreciated. Thank you.; February 26, 2013 at 4:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gypsy,
If you have no intent of entering into a relationship with the man is he truly just a friend, then sure, that's fine.; February 26, 2013 at 5:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Plum,
It's unavoidable - the only way you can learn about someone or get to know them is by spending time with them. You have to date and spend time together and hang back and observe to truly find out what the man's intentions are. It comes with the territory.

Spending time, talking, dating and observing are all necessary aspects to "filtering" the men who are worth your time from the one's who aren't.

Which is why you don't jump into bed with them BEFORE you do all of the above ;-); February 26, 2013 at 5:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoChick,
"It's as though now I can't even focus on me a little bit and have to sit here worrying about him and checking he is alright but has he done that with me?"

You don't have to do that - you're choosing to do that.

"Is this just a male thing?"

Nope. It's an arrogance, ego, narcissistic selfish thing.

"claims to love me, care about me but wow, confused."

Don't listen to his WORDS. Pay attention to his ACTIONS. The two aren't lining up.; February 26, 2013 at 5:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @stefena,
Just play it cool and hang back a bit, observing him and getting to know him.

Stay in the room by yourself. It's never a good thing to spend the first few nights you meet a man in the same room with him. Don't have sex with him and don't be too eager for this.

Just have a good time, be happy and friendly and warm, stand your ground as a woman and make him work at this to prove himself to you.; February 26, 2013 at 5:52 PM
Anonymous said...: I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the one that talked about the guy who I had worked with as a waitress. In the beginning he had pursued me heavily. Then a family emergency happened that meant I would have to move out of state within weeks after finally realizing that I liked him. It caused me to be overly emotional and desperate and I started chasing him. He was receptive and still interested but ceased chasing me like before. But said he still wanted to talk once I moved--so we kept talking. I started to initiate sexual texts(no pictures or anything just words) and things were still going good despite that. It was equal--he was texting me, I was texting him, he was calling me, I was calling him. Then the same week he restarted grad school he stopped contacting me as much. I confronted him about it, and he said he still liked me was just busy, etc. For a few days went back to calling and texting and then went MIA again. This went on for a while(me confronting him and threatening to stop talking to him, and him saying "no" he'll get it together and him doing so temporarily only to fall back on old habits. Anyway I can go on and on but to make it short. On February 10th I sent him a text message and he did not respond. So I decided to do 30 day NC to get his azz in gear, because I was sick of initiating things and confronting him to "change" only for the change to last short term and go right back to old patterns(we are not exclusive though). Anyway two weeks went by and I was just getting ready to move on. And then wallah today he texted me 4 times and called me, when I didn't respond. It made me giddy. SO what do I do now. This marks the third week of Nc, do I continue to remainder of the 30 Day NC(I have 12 days left)... Or should I start the "mirroring" effect(where I wait 3 days to respond to him).

Thanks!; February 26, 2013 at 9:12 PM
Gypsy said...: You said, "@Gypsy,
If you have no intent of entering into a relationship with the man is he truly just a friend, then sure, that's fine."

I do have intent, but not until I get myself to where I feel I want to be with someone. I want it to be him. So no problem with my initiating comments? Emails (only) the way I want to communicate right now. (for another year-ish)

DID YOU MEAN:
"If you have no intent of entering into a relationship with the man, is he truly just a friend?"; February 26, 2013 at 10:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gypsy,
Sorry, I meant that if it is your ultimate intention to eventually develop a relationship with this man - then no, don't initiate those email communications. Wait for him to come to you. By hanging back, you can draw him towards you.

If you intend to eventually become romantically involved with this man at some point in time, don't initiate those emails. Instead, pull back and draw him towards you ;-); February 27, 2013 at 9:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 26, 9:12 PM,
No, you don't jump on those first few attempts by him. What's best is to wait until he starts sending texts that say something like, "Can we talk" or "We need to talk" or "I'd like to talk to you."

You need to stay away long enough until he expresses a desire to "talk." Because when he's ready - is when he'll actually "hear" what you have to say to him. That's when conflict resolution can become attainable.

I'd hang back a bit longer here. At least until he starts expresses a need to speak with you.; February 27, 2013 at 9:07 AM
Lady Leo said...: Ladies,

More proof that NC is powerful....

I've had an aries man chasing me for 2 months. Never met in person, just online. I had no interest in him whatsoever, (still don't) yet he is persistent. I was dating the sag who poof'd on me 4 weeks ago, but when he left, I'd reply to Aries occasionally. Then I'd go silent. Now aries is texting, emailing offering to be my "friend", listen when I need someone etc. You might think this is sweet, but it's not. He is very manipulative and pulling all the stops to get my attention.

I told him verbally I am not interested in dating anyone yet he still persists. I've ignored the last text and email within the last 2 weeks, then last night got another saying "Hello. Should I go away, or R U busy?" (God, the "R" and "U" makes me cringe lol). I want him to go away. I don't know if I want to be that blunt though.

Just goes to show how powerful your silence is. I sure as shootin' can't wait to offer my special brand of silence to the Sag who poof'd on me.; February 27, 2013 at 9:11 AM
SassyBrunette said...: I just had to respond to Lady Leo's remarks about being the "recipient" of another disappearing man. The same thing happened to me about a month ago. I met this guy in early December who seemed really into me. He lives about 1.5 hours from me and wanted to keep in touch and see each other again. So for 2 months we kept in touch (mainly initiated by him, because I don't chase men!). For 2 months he told me how pretty I was, how he couldn't wait to see me again, etc. A few things came up unexpectedly for both of us (weekend work commitments, bad weather, etc.) when we were trying to make plans to get together again, but he continued to tell me how that "sucked" and how excited he was to see me again. We finally make plans for him to drive down to see me Super Bowl weekend...and he completely poofed! Not a word from him since then, and certainly not a word from me because I deleted his number from my phone that weekend. And I'm so glad I did that! Even though I don't chase men and I'm really, really good at cutting someone off and doing No Contact, I'm still human (woman) and at times have missed the attention and wanted to be in touch with him again...but I CAN'T because I was smart enough to delete his number from my phone! So Lady Leo, I think you're doing the right thing, keep up the good work, and who knows? He might pop up again like MOA says they do sometimes. I know I won't be surprised if my most recent Disappearing Man does, but I don't see much value in that since I now know I can't trust him to show up when he says he will. Why waste time?; February 27, 2013 at 11:57 AM
Anonymous said...: That's the best article I've ever read on disappearing men. I mean, everything you said is true, and when I tried all the tactics you mentioned, they worked. Your article empowers women and I really appreciate it. I am dating a real Taurus male for the first time, ever. He's been doing the "rubber band" thing, and I wondered why he didn't seem all the interested in me at times. We normally see each other at the gym, and recently he said he was going to work out two days a week at a totally different time of day. I'm thinking, "Hmmm, so he doesn't want to work out every day with me now?". When he mentioned that he was going to work out at a different time, I said, "Sounds interesting, I hope your new workout time ends up being fun". He didn't know what to make of that. He then said, "Well do you want to get up early and meet me at this new time?" I said, "Oh, no, I'm not a morning exerciser, only afternoons for me. But you have a good workout, and I'll be cheering you on while I sleep". He didn't know what to make of that statement either. So then he worked out at a different time and he later texted me and said, "Had a good workout early this morning". I said, "Great! Glad it was good". He then said, "So did you miss me?". (and based on your article, I knew what was up). So I ignored the question and changed the topic. He then texted again, saying, "You didn't answer my question. Did you miss me?". I thought about an appropriate answer, didn't want to say "yes" and didn't want to say "no". So I said, "Well, it's fun to see you whenever I see you". I swear, he did not know what to do with that statement. Thanks to your article, I felt so empowered, so good, and have a much better sense of how to deal with the stupid games this guy wants to play. I honestly have to say, I had to get mad enough at his games to not care if he hung around or left the relationship. Once I get mad, I get firm (yet still positive and friendly). Thanks for your help and by the way, when you wrote the phrase, "Be gone, fool", in part of your article, I laughed out loud. Love that statement, and it runs around in my head everytime he pulls a stunt.; February 27, 2013 at 12:22 PM
Peter said...: @Lady Leo

Stay strong, hang in there and keep your head high. Keep working on yourself and moving forward gradually you can become stronger and it won't hurt. You have control now :-)

You did the right thing with this man. He is as you already pointed out, an insecure man, he will only drain you in the long run. In my experience insuce people can sometimes need a lot of "propping up". They constantly need attention and ego bolstering. I think with that man you would never get a rewarding relationship in the way you deserve.

His problems will only be solved by him, unfortunately, they sound too deep for you constantly support him. He needs to work on himself as a man for a while.

Good to see you in good spirits and getting stronger :-)

Always here if you have questions don't hesitate to ask.; February 27, 2013 at 3:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Aphrodite,

I'm the anonymous poster from 9:12 last night. Anyway thank you for the advice. I'll hang back and watch to see what happens. He keeps texting me and asking me if I am okay"--is he worried that something happened to me? I know you say that men know deep down when they are doing something wrong, but what if he actually thinks something bad happened to me?; February 27, 2013 at 7:01 PM
Lady Leo said...: Thank you SassyB and Peter, for your kind, supportive words. :)

So I replied to aries man this morning with "Hi XXX, I think it's best to move on". Meaning for HIM to move on. I didn't want to leave him hanging and honestly, don't want to hear from him again. He replied with ok, and "hope I didnt offend or hurt you somehow". So naturally, I felt *codependent* to his feelings and replied it wasnt him, it was me. Which he knew cus I told him I had a recent break up.

he replied I could always reach out to him as a friend if I wanted. You might think he was being nice, but I firmly believe he is trying to keep me connected in a manipulative way. He is a slick willie aries.

Im on day 15 of NC...and its getting easier. There is a lesson here for me in that the guy I want is silent but the guy I DON'T want isn't! This ratifies my intent of staying NC and that it works!; February 27, 2013 at 8:35 PM
Ivy said...: Hi MoA,

Well, I feel like a failure once again :( I keep moving from once clown to the next…so I met yet another guy online. The first date seemed very promising, he was a complete gentleman, took me out for dinner and drinks, and asked me for a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night. He got in touch with me right away to schedule a 2nd date, which also went well…that is, until he asked me to come back to his place to “watch a movie.” I know that’s code for some sort of intimacy, and I knew it probably wasn't a good idea, but he had been so sweet that I took him at his word that he would be a gentleman. He said that it had been a long week and he didn’t want to drink anymore, but still wanted to spend time with me (I know, he was luring me in). I even expressed my reservation, and turned the tables to see if he would come to my place instead (I still live with my parents). He said that would be a little awkward, but he’d be willing to if that’s what I wanted. Basically, I was just testing the waters to see if he’d at least offer, because let’s face it, even though everyone would be asleep, it would be awkward to fool around in any capacity. In hindsight, I see that I made a mistake--I should have just called it a night or made him come to me. But I didn’t want to end the night so quickly either, nor did I want to drink more, and I won’t lie, I was dying for him to kiss me! So I agreed to go to his place, and within minutes he practically pounced on me! We did not have sex and I enjoyed hooking up with him, but I felt taken advantage of in a sense…just felt “outsmarted" because he did tests his limits.

He got in touch with me this week to ask for a 3rd date…but there are red flags popping up everywhere. He’s in the process of moving, and said that the next few weeks were going to be crazy, and he didn’t know how much time he’d have…but he was free Fri. night if it was OK to have an early night and not drink too much. I agreed, and then he dropped the bomb on me—he asked if I would want to come over to watch a movie. While he may be ill-intentioned in any event, I feel like I made the situation worse because made it “easy” for him. Mind you, I did tell him the last time that I wasn’t ready for sex/sharing a bed with him, and he respected that, but men are persistent, and I’m sure he’s going to try again. It feels even worse because there was no offer of taking me for dinner or drinks, and I feel like he’s setting it up so this may be the last time he sees me…but if he thinks that’s gonna make me give it up, he’s WRONG lol! To kind of indirectly throw it out there, I did ask him if he’d behave this time, and he said “we’ll see.” I don’t know how to interpret that! Again, I don’t mind a little “misbehavior” (in fact, I like it!), but I don’t know if he means the same “misbehavior” as last time, or something more? After all, there is that ridiculous "3rd date rule"...

So my question to you is: did I totally blow any chance of having him respect me/a relationship? I’ve been thinking about what my options are right now…should I go and if things get out of control, leave or bring up that I’m not that kind of girl? Or should I try to see if he’d be willing to do something else/come to me? Or should I explain that I feel like I’ve given him the wrong impression, and that I don’t want to be a tease, and see how he reacts?

I feel like I'm walking straight into a trap...but I really do like this guy...just wondering if there's a way to turn it around...; February 27, 2013 at 9:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Ivy,
It's a trap alright. And you're right. He's setting this up so that he gets laid on the third date...then he's going to disappear.

I have a rule about mediocre dates - I don't accept them. Problem solved. If he's a genuinely interested man, he'll wonder why you bailed and he'll think about how he came across and he'll make a more appropriate, respectful offer.

If he's a player, or an online serial dater, he'll bolt. He may even become ignorant about it. Because he's very self assured here and he has intentions. That "we'll see" says a lot. Because you know what a true gentleman would've said?

He would've said, "absolutely."

You see the red flags. They're waving. Outsmart this one and save yourself lots of grief here. Call his bluff and tell him something's come up and regretfully, you have to cancel.

Tell him to call you in a month or so after he gets settled into his new place and you two can meet for dinner then.; February 27, 2013 at 10:18 PM
SilentScream said...: @ MOA, virgochick, Sista'Taurus

Sigh. I did it. I finally did it. I just unfriended my one-word guy from FB. Ugh. I don't know what to feel right now. These last two days have been quite difficult for me. Well, I was first pissed because last Thursday, my one-word guy agreed to meet up for coffee this week. I said "would tues work?" And he replied "I think so. I'll know Mon." With that, I already felt really disappointed because I feel like he was fitting me in! So I didn't reply and just waited for Mon to come around. Well, this Mon came and gone...nothing...nada..zero...zip. C'mon...I mean, if he wasn't interested, don't agree to it and if he was busy or something came up on Mon, at least have some basic courtesy to send me a text saying yay or nay! But nothing. This is just rude and disrespectful! I think that was my last straw with him. And so for the last couple of days, I really wanted to unfriend him but still went back and forth. I felt weak if I didn't do anything about it or unfriend him for good...but yet, a part of me was still getting cold feet and chickening out every time I was on the verge of pressing that button. But I went back to read your suggestions from before....and they really give me the courage to click on that "unfriend" button. Now, it's finally done. Sigh. Breathe. It feels weird already but I know it is for the better. I already miss him and feel like I will never hear from him ever again...which makes me sad....but I keep telling myself that I can't let this man step all over me like this. He said he would come see me after he got back from vacation early January and he didn't follow through with it and now, he can't even have the basic courtesy to get back to me on meeting up for coffee! I'm fed up. He's been unfriended. I wonder what's going to happen from here. Will he even realize that I've unfriended him? Is this the end of him from now on? All these questions are going through my head as if I've done something so earth-shattering. Lol.; February 28, 2013 at 3:26 AM
virgochick said...: @ Peter,

"In my experience insuce people can sometimes need a lot of "propping up". They constantly need attention and ego bolstering. I think with that man you would never get a rewarding relationship in the way you deserve."

Describing mine perfectly. It's actually what is happening now. He was afraid after 5 days NC he couldn't get attention from me anymore and freaked.. who would he run to? Now that I thought he talked things out and explained reasons..he is back to doing this popping up business. When he needs attention. It'll never change.

MOA, yep you're right..I let that happen by putting him first again cause I worry about him.. got to stop. I haven't contacted in 2 days, haven't heard boo. He is going away with the boys this weekend, I wont hear till I think Tuesday/Wednesday. Oh well, looks like I'll be too busy to check my phone next week. I need to cut him off again, and really try for good...so hard but I know I have to. He will never be the man I need... :(; February 28, 2013 at 4:25 AM
Lady Leo said...: Day 17 :)

I saw the poofing ex on a very small, free dating site yesterday. Seems to be an old profile, old pics. What was interesting was what he wrote. Barely one tiny paragraph, but so telling...

"Looking for a calm, relaxed relationship...friends first...coffee....Harley lover".

That's it, but it SCREAMS fearful, insecure man who has in the past had a NOT calm and NOT relaxed relationship. And see the "friends first" comment? He is already running from a potential relationship before he's even met a woman!

He told me his last 2 gf's both got arrested for DUI. He knows I do not drink alcohol (Was married to an alcoholic, so I had MY share of "uncalmness" relationships). So I joked "Perhaps I should take up drinking to be like them?". He says "NO WAY!".

Tbh, our 2 months dating was pretty stable, despite a few miscommunications, it was a good and strong connection. It was just too much intimacy for the poor guy, too soon. One thing I know about myself, due to a long time spiritual learning, I am pretty stable and emotionally self sufficient so I contained myself well with him.

Here's to a new day, with new possibilities and NO CONTACT!!; February 28, 2013 at 7:28 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @SilentScream

Great job girl!!Very good of you,I salute you.You need to cut him off completely.

Only reply when he makes a REAL EFFORT.You should not have jumped at that 'half date'.When he said 'I'll let you know Monday'-RED FLAG-you should have politely said 'thank you but no,thank you,I already have plans but I'd love to catch up soon'.

Let him know you have a life and he is NOT a priority,while he treated you right there like an OPTION.I bet it hurt but learn the lesson and move on as best you can.You see,that's what happens,you jump and he treats you poorly.Ignorant,just ignorant behaviour.

Be strong,detach,just take time for yourself,seriously at this point I would not wait for him.Let it go.He will come back,but you let it go in the mean time.

Everyday is a gift,an avenue of countless possibilities.Pick one and make it reality.

Dress up and go out and let men admire you.It will do you good.Show yourself,shine,be a magnet of warm sunshine.What you are is what you attract :)Cheers!; February 28, 2013 at 9:24 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello!! i loooove your advice!!! it worked out perfectly for the guy I am dating I have the lil bastard were i want him..lol. the ingnore theory worked out great. I am dating this guy I met on line. We had great chemistry, but were I messed up at I was confusing him with being my man. I appeared pathetically EMOTIONALLY weak to him, so he didnt reach out to me for WEEK!! OMG!! I WAS GOING CRAZY!! UNTIL i READ YOUR BLOG!!! sO I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID, AND IT WORKED. I AM PLANNING A VACATION TO SEE HIM NEXT MONTH FOR MY SPRING BREAK FOR 3 DAYS. IT SEEMS AS THOUGH HE LIKES BITCHES, STUCK UP WOMEN. i WOULD COMPLETLY BE MYSELF WHICH I AM 100% SWEETHEART. HOWEVER HE DOSENT WANT TO SEE THE SWEET ME, AND I AM NOT GOING TO LET HIM RUN OVER ME. DO U THINK IT BE WISE FOR ME TO PUT A WALL UP WHEN I MEET HIM. AND BE THE BITCHY CONTROLLING SELFISH WOMENN HE ADMIRES? I AM PURCHASING MY OWN HOTEL!! BEACUSE HE KNOWS I AM FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT, AND MOST OF ALL I RESPECT THE POWER IN MY FEMINITY. HE AINT GETTING NONE OF MY GOODIES..LOL. i REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE?? TIPS?? SUGGESTIONS?? THANK YOU.; February 28, 2013 at 1:26 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Anyone

@MOA

I miss him today dear Mirror.It's so silent between us now that I could scream.Is this the silence before the storm?He is basically as inactive as I am.

I know it's a game he's playing now,trying to get a reaction out of me.So stupid,cause I won't give in,I know for a fact.

Oh well,just another one of those days @NC

Why do we miss and what do we miss and what happens scientifically in our brains when we experience this 'longing'??What am I missing out here?Lol

Actually,Ive been restless since yesterday when I noticed that he's mirroring my silence now.I guess what works on him,works on me too.; February 28, 2013 at 1:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
All I can say sweetie is, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable to enact change. It comes with the territory and it's completely natural.

Maybe this piece about the concept of personal growth and it's "uncomfortable" situations can help:

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Are-You-Willing-to-Be-Uncomfortable; February 28, 2013 at 5:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 28, 1:26 PM,
"DO U THINK IT BE WISE FOR ME TO PUT A WALL UP WHEN I MEET HIM. AND BE THE BITCHY CONTROLLING SELFISH WOMENN HE ADMIRES?"

No. That's not really the point here. I'm not advocating being controlling and selfish - I'm advocating standing up for yourself and not permitting a man to run you over or BS you. Putting up a wall will only keep him out. And in order to draw him in, you need to be warm and approachable - yet firm, knowing where to draw the line.

It's a fine balance dear. Sway to much to one side or the other and you upset the balance of power (masculine versus feminine energy).

Be your sweet self. Just don't go all mushy and melt into a puddle, LOL. Know when to set boundaries, remain aloof and make him work to prove himself to you. And all will be well :-)

It sounds complicated but it isn't once you get the hang of it. It's about setting boundaries, standing up for yourself and looking out for yourself. It's not really about being nasty, shut down or selfish.

Looking out for yourself isn't selfish sweetie - it's simply looking out for yourself. There's a difference :-); February 28, 2013 at 6:00 PM
SilentScream said...: @ Sista'Taurus

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I felt sad and depressed all day today. But this evening...guess who sent me a text! I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw his text less than 24 hours after I unfriended him. I thought I would never hear from him again! Couldn't be such a coincidence that he would finally text the day after I unfriended him, right? He just asked me how my week was. No apology for disappearing on Monday when he was s'pose to reach out. His ego probably stopped him from apologizing. How can he act like nothing happened and he did nothing wrong?! Can't understand him.

I don't want to respond yet. I feel like he'll have to do a little more than just a one-liner text for me to respond this time...and the one-liner is not even an apology for flaking on me! I'm afraid if I respond I will lose this control I have now and he'll make me feel like crap again.

@ Sista'Taurus, MOA, virgochick, girls...

So what should I look for before responding? And when I respond, what should I say that's unemotional and carefree?; March 1, 2013 at 1:06 AM
Christina said...: Today IS day 17 (correction from yesterday)

:) I am smiling because I am proud of getting through each day. It gets easier.

I went from first wanting him back so bad because I wanted him, but now I am wanting him to reappear so I can practice my silence on him. Maybe it's vengeance I feel. I don't know, it's probably just a need to validate my self-esteem that he walked all over.

I look forward to "teaching" him through my actions that he picked the wrong woman to disrespect and disregard. One of the "mottos" that I live by is "We teach people how to treat us". If I do not stand for myself, who will? No one. So I am the protector of my emotional well being and as much as I came to care for this man, he choose to hurt my inner child and that shit just ain't ok.

I kind of feel sorry for him cus my inner 'mamacita' is gonna open a can of NC whoop ass on him when he returns. And he WILL return.

:); March 1, 2013 at 8:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SilentScream,
In a situation like this, I will not respond until I see a text that says something like, "I need to talk to you." Or, "I know I messed up, I need to talk to you."

Something that signals that he's ready to talk and/or that he's regretful about how he treated you.

In the meantime, attempt to move on as best you can and begin dating other men if possible. Because it may take several weeks for the above to happen, if it happens at all. So it's best to keep moving forward and not wait for him.; March 1, 2013 at 8:14 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Thank you for the encouragement.I went on and watched Beyond the Law of Attraction with Bob Proctor and they speak there of being uncomfortable enough to create change.Actually never allow ourselves to become comfortable,more like live on the edge,anticipating our next move.I agree whole-heartedly.Being in a comfort zone is not for me,I want to grow,I want to expand and not be 'expendable' :)

@SilentScream

See,he does care :)But it's not a REAL attempt.Take it slow here.Don't reply OR(its your choice),if you do,you could mirror him,by replying to him 5 days later,just like he did.He was supposed to reach out Monday and he didn't.You wait the same amount of days and reply casually 'my week has been wonderfully busy,thank u,I hope yours too'

Drop that ball in his court.You protect yourself like that and let him come to you everytime. You keep it sane and logical for yourself and actually no expectations,should he flake again and no emotional attachment.

You're doing good!; March 1, 2013 at 9:27 AM
Lady Leo said...: I've had a return of someone, but not a man lol. Thought it might be helpful though to us here.

10 days ago I had to end a relationship with a gf which had become codependent. I turned to her for guidance on some relationship issues and allowed her to be judgmental and controlling. When I gently confronted her this needed to change, she got angry and blasted me. I immediately cut contact with her. (long distance friendship via email and social media).

After 10 days of silence from me, she emails last night with an apology and acknowledging how much our friendship means to her. Now, she is a woman, so its not quite the same, but she is a scorpio with very masculine energy. She is rarely emotional and quite detached, much more logical. So she kinda *thinks* like a man most of the time.

I knew she'd return because I knew what my value to her was. I also know she has a huge ego and much pride (like men) and it would be difficult for her to find her humility. Her first line in the email was "Hiya...well this is unprecedented..." meaning..."I've never swallowed my pride before" lol.

So, much like these men who have acted with disrespect and disregard for our feelings and have "devalued" us in their minds, if given time and IF they care for us as women, or just humans, they will need the silence to come to there OWN conclusions about their part in the relationship break down. And if they do not come to that conclusion, then really, WHY would we want to be with a man like that?; March 1, 2013 at 10:36 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @LadyLeo

Love that :) *claps*

I have a Scorpio gf in my life too.Trying to get her to admit to anything wrong on her behalf or make a first move,is like pulling words out of her mouth with pincers.Won't happen.But,I also did NC with her and she always comes back,using the excuse of my value and worth to her.We do have a special bond :)

So yes,more power to you,for knowing your self value and acting like it.The power of who you are,it just never fails to produce results.And more often,silence speaks loudest :); March 1, 2013 at 11:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I am afraid I am really hopeless, or rather, too optimistic and naive.

After our Saturday date the man texted me on Tuesday how I had spent the beginning of the week and if I liked the parfume. I answered his text saying that the perfume was great and I liked it very much. Which is true, he really made a perfect choice for me. Then on the next day he invited me on a date on Friday evening. I answered I couldn´t go because I had bronchitis, which was also true. He phoned me to support me, we also talked about other things, I told him I absolutely wasn´t considering moving in with ANYBODY until I knew him properly and told him again that I am the type of woman who needs plenty of time to get to know a man, let alone move to his place. He seemed to be okay with that. He also explained that we had been friends up to now and he just thought he might give me an offer like that to move our relationship forward but if it wasn´t okay with me, he totally accepted it. He invited me on a different evening when I felt better, I said I could go but would prefer day-time, so we finally arranged a date for this Sunday noon! It will be a sort of recuperating walk in fresh air so that I would recover from bronchitis more quickly.

I don´t know what to think about this. He seems to be willing to adjust to my requirements, doesn´t he? I´ve decided to give him anther chance and test his readiness to make an effort with me. Do you think I am right? Or should I stay away from him completely? What do you think, Mirror? I am sorry to bother you again but I am really quite confused. My gut feeling is okay now. Oh, I would have forgotten to say one more thing. He DOES bring up sex, but when I say that I need time, he always respects that. And another, practical thing - he´s been spending virtually all Saturdays or Sundays with me since we met the first time at the beginning of October, with the exception of NC. And on weekedays he says he travels a lot, which I believe due to the character of his job. So it seems to me he doesn´t have much time to meet other women. I am really confused... Please, open my eyes again. Thanks very much indeed!
HopefulWithMen; March 1, 2013 at 4:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Well, I can't help but think this mans up to something here, LOL, but...as long as you're paying very close attention to what he's saying and doing, and not swallowing it whole, and you're setting boundaries and making him prove himself...it's okay to proceed.

Just take it one day at a time. And if he starts to treat you poorly again, make no excuses or exceptions for him. Look out for yourself and pull back if that happens and use no contact again.

If you can maintain that balance and know when to look out for yourself, you won't get run over here and you'll be able to properly guard yourself from being taken advantage of in any way :-); March 1, 2013 at 4:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for your prompt advice. Yes, he is quite confusing and as you say, I will watch him very, very carefully, like a detective. Thanks again and have a nice weekend.(-:
HopefulWithMen; March 1, 2013 at 4:32 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm the anonmoyous poster from a couple of days ago(9:12 PM Febuary 26th, 2012). So like I said on that day, he texted me several times in a row, and then called when I didn't respond--asking if I was okay. I didn't answer his call, or respond to his texts. That was back this Tuesday... He hasn't tried contacting me since. As of now it's been 19 days NC. Well I have not heard from him since Tuesday when he sent those messages and kept calling and I'm wondering is he just using me for an Ego Boost is that why he has not contacted me again since Tuesday???; March 1, 2013 at 5:04 PM
Venus said...: Hi Mirror,

May be you remember me..I was using NC, and then he called, he complained about me ignoring him and he said when he was on holiday and lost track of dates and on 15th he heard on radio about day before being V-Day so he emailed me, and instead of wishing him back I asked why he did not call so he was mad and did not felt like replying!! At that time I didn't know what to say, we agreed to meet and we did. He texted me later how he loved meeting me, I did not reply then I called him after 2 days , today. I loved talking to him, then we spoke again one more time..he said he will call me later again..but he didn't call..I obviously thought he should have and whats up!! So I called him he did not answer, I for some reason started having these thoughts that may be he is with someone else and became restless,then at night I called him from blocked number he did not answer, then I called him from a new number that I just had and never really used it, and he answered!!!! He spoke to me very formally in front of his friends, and disconnected in a minute!!! I did not like it!! Feels like being ignored and taken for granted!! What should I do Mirror? :( It hurts!!! And I know he knows about NC rules, if I ignore him he ignores me and if I complain he complains the same thing!! If I pull away then he pulls away (rubber band theory)...but when we are together its ecstatic!! Is there any solution to all this? He is crazy after me at the start and I was reluctant to be in love with him and now he appears to be in control of the situation! How do we turn the tables?; March 1, 2013 at 5:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 1, 5:04 PM,
It's hard to say at this point dear. If he makes no further attempts, then I'd say yes. If he makes additional attempts and signals he's regretful or he wants to talk, then maybe no.

Only time will tell.; March 1, 2013 at 5:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
You need to stop pursuing him sweetie. Regardless of whether or not he asks you too. Because when he asks you to do that - and you do it - you give away your power and you fall right into his trap and the power becomes his.

Who cares if he gets upset? Does he care if he upsets you when he ignores you? No. So don't give him considerations that he's not giving to you in return. And don't give away your power to him, no matter how much he whines and complains about it.

He's whining and complaining so he can get the power back - don't fall for it.

Personally, I think he's a player that has several women in rotation. Which is why I would use no contact on him for 30 days solid. And I would not jump at the first contact or two he makes. I would make him prove himself and I would only respond if he signals that he's regretful or that he wants to have the "talk."

Anything short of that and I'd let him walk. He's not worth it and he's only creating confusion and negative feelings in your life.

You want to be with a man that makes you feel good about yourself, when he's with you AND when he's not. You don't want to be with a man that makes you feel crappy and confused.

Consider letting him go before you bring anymore pain onto yourself with him. Be selective about the men you allow into your life.; March 1, 2013 at 5:21 PM
Venus said...: Mirror thanks so much...I will take your advice on board..but I love him so much and even if he does have other women in his life I want him to leave them all for me! I seriously want to marry him, I have been really selective with men and I love the way he works and handles situation, and gives some of the best advises that I can ever get, he is organised! He probably is a player..comes across to me as someone really clever ! which is a huge turn on!! With all these feelings following NC for that long is difficult but I will do it this time..what do I do if he calls from blocked number? his desk phone doesn't sends out caller id. Chat? I also get some work related calls from unknown number can't ignore them.; March 1, 2013 at 5:35 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ sista Taurus

awww... "I miss him today..."

I am exhausted from a hell of a work week, but had to just send some hugs your way.

I know how you feel... and I'm sorry you are hurting.

On my way to work, I have to drive by Scorpio's work to/fro, talk about "ugh!" But what I've taken to doing lately is sending loving thoughts when I am near. Not thoughts of "come back," but rather thoughts of "whatever you are doing in your life, I hope it's wonderful and you are happy."

And I can't tell you how cleansing it is.

And I've started doing it when I start to think of him at home... just sending him love on his travels... It is a release, and I can feel I am making room for others.

Hugs!; March 1, 2013 at 7:59 PM
Lady Leo said...: Sista' Taurus:

Thanks for the applause ;~) I appreciate it.

Listen to this....3 weeks ago a guy from the dating website sent me an email expressing interest. I reply with my personal email saying to contact me there as my subscription was about to expire. He never emailed. 3 weeks later, today, he emails saying he'd been "traveling", busy blah blah..but would like to speak with me and asked for my number. Also left his number in case I wanted to call.

His profile says he is from a town about 100 miles away, but his area code is from 8 states away. he travels alot...hmmmm...girl in every port, maybe? I dunno, but 3 weeks is ridiculously obvious he had something else with someone else going on. I've seen him log onto the site so he clearly had access to an electronic device. LOL. Who doesn't these days?

So this lovely man will be waiting quite a while till I reply. I'm so grateful for this website which has educated me immensely!!; March 1, 2013 at 8:40 PM
Anonymous said...: So I have reconnected with my reappearing "disappearing" man. This time it felt different between us. When we first dated I was always confused or questioned how he felt about me. We met up last week, and the vibe between us was tense. He initiated a very intimate hug between us when we first saw each other. It was somewhat surprising because he is not a very touchy feely type of guy, but when he saw me he wanted to hug. It was like hugging a loved one that you haven't seen in while.It was like he missed and cared about me. I gave him a difficult time before I agreed to meet with him, so I am sure "no contact" or acting like I didn't care helped :)

It definitely felt like we were closer apart because of the disappearing act and actually argued because I couldn't keep it together during the encounter. There was so much tension between us that I couldn't even hold my emotions back about the past. I messed up..lol. We are going to go out on a date that he initiated this Saturday, and we have discussed that its time to leave the past in the past. However, I am still going to hold back for a while until he proves its me that he wants. I learned my lesson that you can't give them everything before they "fall" for you.; March 1, 2013 at 8:45 PM
Lady Leo said...: Very nice, anonymous march 1...

Have you posted about this man and your situation before here? Im curious to know which *anon* you are.

Congrats and keep up the great self care!!
xo; March 1, 2013 at 10:07 PM
SilentScream said...: @ MOA and Sista' Taurus,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and advice. I will do what you've suggested. I feel good at where I am right now. I really don't feel like responding just yet because I don't want to end up with the same misery again. I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster. Like you said, Sista'Taurus, it does seem like he still cares...maybe just for the friendship....but I want to see how much he does care this time. I agree with you guys....I want to see a REAL attempt before responding to him. Thanks again for all your advice.; March 2, 2013 at 12:58 AM
Kay said...: @ Venus

Every woman comes here for MOA's advise wishing it will be the advise she secretly hopes in the back of her mind......He's the one!

Your still fantasizing about what life could be like with this guy. It's not fare to you as a woman to be used the way your allowing him to use you. You don't care if he's a player and you want him to leave the other woman for just you? Why the hell would he leave them? You're allowing him to play you and them. Youre allowing all of this treatment and until he really hurts you I doubt you will see it. Every woman has the inner strength to do NC, I'm still doing it. No I wasn't in love with him, but I'm sure if I kept contact and met up I'd be sucked in more and more. You can do NC! And if you get calls from an unknown # and it's him you simply say "I'm at work and crazy busy, have a good day, bye." Doing no contact means you do not reply to any texts, e mails or calls for 30 DAYS. It's to help YOU not him. Sure right now it feels like your life sucks, but your head isn't thinking clearly. Do this for yourself, find yourself again because right now you seem so lost in his crap that your missing out on YOU.; March 2, 2013 at 7:44 AM
Lady Leo said...: Day 18 :~D

Hello all:

Keeping strong, despite still thinking about him. I am determined to hit day 30, though living this one day at a time. When I feel weak and wobbily, I remind myself that I am protecting the inner child in me. "She" is the one who is scared and sad, not the "Me"...the strong a$$ woman I KNOW I am. The woman who needs to protect her "little girl" from not-nice men who vanish without so much as a kind goodbye.

Keep remembering why you're doing NC ladies, fight for yourself!! I am here to protect me, my little girl, my integrity and my dignity!! No instant gratification for me anymore. I want the intense, satisfying gratification that will come when I accomplish this goal. And should I get to teach this man a lesson in how to treat me, so much the better. I may never hear from him again, if so, another poor woman might be his teacher.

But for me, to detach and regain my self esteem, self love and dignity means EVERYTHING!!!; March 2, 2013 at 9:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
This will be a very valuable gift to yourself. Probably one of the most valuable things you've ever done for yourself. because in 12 days, when you've completed this process, you're going to feel incredibly empowered - and you will never suffer from self-doubt again. Because deep down inside, you're going to KNOW that you can do whatever it is that you set your mind to.

Even if it means walking away from a man.

And all of the ill feelings of insecurity, powerlessness and doubt are going to slowly begin to vanish from your dealings with men. They're not going to be able to push you into that dark place anymore. Because you're going to stand in the doorway, with your hands clenching the sides of the door - unable to be pushed through it. Unable to be be pushed into that dark place.

And it's going to be a game changer girl ;-); March 2, 2013 at 10:09 AM
Venus said...: @Kay
Thanks, you are right..I feel like I need him all to myself at any cost and for that I can go to any extent..I wanted to do NC to get him and for him only, not at all for myself, and that's honest confession. I am worried that if I lost him I will lose the passion and will never find a man equally or even closely attractive as him. I have been looking for this kind of person for ten years!! And I want to settle down with him.

I will do 30 days of NC starting today, and not worrying of the results. I will see where we stand in 30 days!; March 2, 2013 at 10:31 AM
Kay said...: Day 18 lady leo, youre doing great!

Me- Today marks one month from BB’s first text after 75 days of NC since our/his blow up. It’s been a week since he sent my bff a friends request on fb. She nor I made any actions towards it. At first I was mad and jealous, thinking what a jerk, how dare he try to get to me by going through her, pretty low of a guy. But then again, how many women are or has done to him what I’m doing? Prob none. I’m not writing this bc I feel like I’m holding on to some hope, I’m not. Well actually I am! I do hope that at some point we can be just friends. I’m not too sure how that will work out bc personally he’s the first guy to get me to go crazy lol, but he’s also the first guy that caused me to see myself in a different way. I’ve blossomed into a self-controlled woman. I still have his # in my phone, but I finally deleted our text convos including the pic about three weeks ago. I didn’t block him on fb and prob never will. I don’t look at my phone and wish he’d text, call or have the desire to text or call him. It amazes me how a few months ago he was ALL I thought about, fantasized about. I drop everything I was doing to text back right away, I spent so much time looking at his fb and staring at my phone waiting and waiting for a reply. To not be in that zombie stage anymore is just amazing. And to know I have control over these situations is just incredible. This has all been a huge turning point for me. I was allowing these men to treat me badly bc I didn’t really respect myself. I realized the longer I stayed in contact with them, the more they’d treat me like a doormat. I stopped contact to all of them almost a month ago. I deleted all of them (accept BB) from my phone, so if I get a random text with no name I don’t reply. If I didn’t post my story and get guidance a while ago I doubt id be feeling the way I do. The one thing that concerns me…….. Bumping into him in town. We haven’t seen each other since august. I fear seeing him face to face will trigger my stupid ness lol. The last time I was out and saw a fwb, I simply avoided eye contact and acted as if I didn’t see him and left. I suppose ill do the same if I run into BB.; March 2, 2013 at 12:53 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Gemini50,MOA

Thank you so much!You have no idea how much that meant to me.I was having an anxiety attack today so I opened up this page and saw that loving wave coming at me from you,a complete stranger.Thank you!I truly cracked into a smile :)

You mentioned having anxiety attacks as well.How do you deal with them and do you know what triggers them?In my case,I swear it was absolutely out of nowhere!!I've been feeling better and greater everyday and out of nowhere,it takes over me and throws me around inside like a ping pong ball.

I like logic so I try my hardest to dissect through whatever I feel,why,how,what in me needs that kind of expression?

It was so hard today,feeling like that inside, yet going through the day TELLING myself 'i'm fine,i'm happy,i'm strong,this is just a feeling,control it'.My brain hurts as a result.LOL

And the funny thing is,I started not thinking about him then BOOM,it arrives,uninvited.I can steer this in the right direction though but still,WHY?

And about you sending those loving thoughts,I did that once,in a previous 'affair',and yes it helped me release as well.

You being a Gemini I think can relate to having a lot going on inside at the same time,that organised chaos,if you know what I mean,lol and it's crucial that we release,for our own sanity.

I kinda feel pent up the last couple of days.WHY,HOW?Mneh..its only day 10 NC,uninterrupted,otherwise it would be 21 days.

Uncomfortable enough to grow,I can manage this,most definitely.I just read through the posts sometimes and wonder if women really do this for themselves or actually anxiously await that 30 day mark when HE will show up and rescue the day.I wonder how many of us are aware that he might not?Then what?

Then again,I comfort myself by telling myself that he goes through the same thing and he thinks of me and his brain hurts thinking of a way to act.Feels like he's paralyzed right now but I will not even blink.

We shall see this through ladies!

P.S.I've started a bodybuilding plan for myself,a 3 month program,4-5 times a week intense training plus nutrition and supplements.I'm going to take control of this body and make it do what I want it to do.Cant wait to see results! :); March 2, 2013 at 3:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Today is Day 20 of NC,

Honestly somedays are better than others, but today I'm feeling fine. As time passes I'm getting used to not talking to him as frequently as before and I'm learning to just be "okay" not having a male to talk to(like I had with him). The longer it goes, the more I feel like I don't really "need" to talk to him the way I did before. It was addicting lol, and now I feel like I'm breaking the addiction. There are still times when I would like to hear his voice, or see a sweet message from him, but for the most part I've been able to be strong. He contacted me day 16 of NC--sent me several texts in a row and then called me when I did not respond to the texts. The way it was, was almost as if he woke up and said "I have not heard from her in a while, what is going on", panicked and then started sending several messages and calling to make sure I was still interested.
I resisted, thankfully, and did not reach out. He has not reached out since. Time will tell how genuine he is and if he decides to contact me again, over the next 10 days.
I talked to a friend about what I was doing and she said it sounded like I was playing games. She said that doing NC is not going to "win" him back, either he is interested or he is not. She said that I just need to talk to him and find out what is on his mind, rather than playing games and ignoring him. She said she had tried NC before, but she couldn't do it.
I don't look at it as playing games. I want him to know that I was serious when I told him(last month) that if he could not give me what I wanted that I was moving on. I want him to know that I only want someone who is fully interested, not someone half interested. And I want to be pursued(because I feel like I'm worth it). So until that happens NC. And from now on, with any guy I date, I will NEVER ever again do some of the tactics I did before I read this site! I know now I always need to stay a few steps behind him, to keep him on his toes and keep him interested.; March 2, 2013 at 4:11 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Anonymous March 2,4:11 pm

God bless you :)

Really,I needed to read that.Thank you; March 2, 2013 at 5:36 PM
Venus said...: If NC is the way, why is it difficult? why doesn't it gets easier past 5-6 days? why is everyone counting 18..19..30?? Is there anyone who after 15-20 days stopped counting and said, now my mind is off him and I am out of the relationship with him?
Just curious. I have not read each and every thread because the few that I have read makes me feel restless & emotional, I only read advises they get (mostly). But it will be good to know if this has been a permanent fix for anyone, either ways to be out of relationship or settled in it!; March 2, 2013 at 6:00 PM
Venus said...: @Anonymous March 2,4:11 pm

All sounds great!! But why are you still counting the days? It's #1 day for me today, and I have a long way to go..so I am curious wrt all the results .; March 2, 2013 at 6:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Is NC is definitely difficult, but IMO as time goes by and as I do "different" things it becomes less difficult. For me day 5 was a lot more difficult, than day 20(today). Because day 5, I was not doing some of the things I am doing today. I made the decision, a week ago, that I needed to start making myself a priority and doing all the things that I've always wanted to do, and being with people that love me and do activities with me. It's made a world of difference, from where I was day 5, sitting there moping and feeling insecure and feeling worthless(like why can't I get this guy to like me enough to committ and not disappear). The more things I do, the more I take care of myself, and work on myself(doing things that I've wanted to do), making myself look good, the more I start to feel like I'm worthy and like I don't "need" anyone, especially someone who doesn't think I'm worth it. Day 5 of NC I felt like I needed him, insecure, vulnerable, etc, I sat around constantly staring at my phone. 15 days later things are different. I think NC makes a difference when you use that time to do things that you've always wanted to do and you don't spend too much time fixating on what the guy is doing.

i mean I think NC can be hard if you spend all 30 days thinking about them, moping around, not doing anything differently then what you were doing before, not keeping yourself busy, etc.; March 2, 2013 at 6:57 PM
Christina said...: Thank you Kay & Aphrodite for your loving words :)
It's great to have support, from a group of people who understand what its like to be in this uncomfortable and hurtful position.

Speaking of discomfort.....To Venus:

You ask why is it difficult? Well, why is child birth difficult...? Because no gain comes without pain. You sound like you've rarely experienced a lack of instant gratification? Are you accustomed to always getting what you want when you want it? No disrespect intended, genuinely curious. There is nothing "permanent" in this life. Nothing!! You seem to want to get to the finish line without running the race, and collect your prize. Everyone has to endure the run. Let go of the control, accept where you are and find peace. Maybe THEN you will receive what it is you hope for.

For me, I FIRST want to have my fully allotted amount of self esteem back BEFORE I get the guy back. Why? Cus it's more valuable than HIM. I lost it when I chased after him when he disappeared. And if I don't get all of ME back, I will be in no position to command his respect and he will come back and take me for granted again.

Let the NC work on YOU first...and hope to improve your emotional health before it delivers him back.

"Be the change you wish to see in this world" - Ghandi

:); March 2, 2013 at 7:13 PM
Christina said...: Btw..above.^^ is from Lady Leo.

I keep signing in under my blogger account by mistake.

So many for my anonymity! LOL; March 2, 2013 at 9:27 PM
SilentScream said...: @ Sista 'Taurus

I hope each day gets better and better...easier and easier...for you. I too am having my days as well...on the one hand, I feel like I'm better off unfriending him, not having to see his updates, etc. and knowing that within 24 hours, he texted me as a result of unfriending him, seemingly showing that he still cares...but on the other hand, I get restless sometimes, wondering if he'll reach out again to show his REAL attempt to apologize for not following through, etc. Ugh...it certainly is a struggle...but I think I'll be ok in the end. And I think you will be too!

Good luck on your new fitness plan! I'm sure you will have amazing results!; March 2, 2013 at 10:00 PM
SilentScream said...: @ Venus

In response to your question of NC being so difficult...I've tried it on an ex. To make a long story short, I was in a 2-year emotional roller coaster with this guy and I finally decided to walk away from it because I was emotionally exhausted and hated my life being stuck there. I decided that I had to start NC to get my sanity back. Yes, it is difficult...very difficult, especially in the beginning. To go from having this person in your life, heart, and mind everyday for 2 years and then all of a sudden, go cold turkey with NC is not easy at all. But NC does help though...after 2 months of no contact AT ALL, I began to feel free...I felt like nobody else was controlling my emotions anymore...I felt like I was finally able to turn the corner and move on with life...love myself more, think less of him and actually began to think that it is HIS loss that he let me slip away. But within the two months of getting to that point was really hell for me...I was restless...emotional...bitchy...and even felt kinda bipolar sometimes. LOL But gradually, when my friends asked me how I was coping...in the beginning, I would say "I still have my days."...then it'll become "I still have my moments."...then it would diminished to "I think I'm feeling pretty good without him." So it does work. It is just like a diet...in the beginning, it is always the hardest...changing bad habits...exercising more...and sometimes, you feel the urge to have that burger or cup of ice cream...or maybe you fall off the wagon...but you get back on it again...or you may hit a plateau....or don't see the needle move on the scale...but if you keep at it and gradually feel yourself having more energy and confidence....and you begin to look amazing in that little black dress, then you you'll know your hard work has paid off.

Good luck and hang in there!; March 2, 2013 at 10:28 PM
Anonymous said...: @Venus

Well...I've only stopped counting after 90 days of NC.

It takes time to go through the emotions - and get to a point of clarity and don't-give-a-shit indifference.

For me, 5-6 days is not enough to go through: anger, disgust, acceptance, sadness, gratitude, hope, and indifference - all of which I felt in the first 30 days of NC.

It was only after 90 days that something shifted inside and I felt like I didn't care enough to track the # of days anymore (so I deleted the entry in my countdown timer app).

I wouldn't use it to get someone back. I mean - you can suss out how interested a guy is by forcing him to feel your absence... but after awhile, you realize you're settling for someone less than you deserve, and he doesn't bring out the best in you.

The right guy would not make you start NC to begin with.

- Vivian; March 2, 2013 at 10:53 PM
virgochick said...: @ SilentScream

Woweee!! you unfriended him thats great! My thought would be he just sent that to see what frame of mind you're in? not sure. Mine just blew up my phone and went off his head as to why I deleted him off fb.

I'd be waiting for a real attempt or apology...till he kept trying over and over to get my attention not just 1 message. I hate the fact they somehow know we just fall to the knees with hearing from them if it's just one small line or even a hello. Gotta stay strong. I am also back to NC now, im actually done with it cause as you said...you just get sooooo sick of this emotional rollercoaster. Im exhausted from thinking about whether he will come good.

I havent friended mine back and sure as heck wont because I really feel pain just knowing what he is up to and its not with me. I'd rather not know and makes the whole NC easier.

I think its best you wait and see what else he does and let us know!; March 3, 2013 at 2:27 AM
Anonymous said...: I made the mistake of sleeping with a guy on the first date. Before met we established that we were both looking for a relationship. He would phone me every day. he lives far away and flew in especially to meet me. He took me to a good restaurant because he wanted to impress me. He wanted me to take the day off work the next day to spend time with him since he had some cancelled appointments but I told him it was too short notice. I ended up spending the night. We arranged to meet for lunch at least. He called me just before 12 to say might not make it at lunch time but would let me know. he called again to say he would only make it after 2pm as he had to see a customer. I was starting to feel like he was blowing me off, so I sent him a text at 1pm to say I was going to take a lunch break and would not be able to spend much time after 2 but I would like my memory stick back.(He was going to download some stuff I was interested in)He replied with a LOL.
I heard nothing for the rest of the day.
He called me around 6.15 pm. I ignored the call.
He flew back about 8pm that evening I think.
One thing I should mention is we have a mutual interest in BDSM, it is a very small dating pool and from what I can tell he has no interest in dating "normal" girls. So to find someone that shares this interest and where there is mutual attraction does not happen often. We are both in our forties.
It has been two days and I have heard nothing.
He still has my memory stick.
I dont know if I should continue ignoring him or at least return his call. For all I know he could be thinking I am blowing him off.
He is Cancerian, I am Taurus.
I did also sense though that he was quite pushy about sex and he could very well be a player.
Yet I also got the impression he doesn't get to meet women like me often, i.e. that shares his kink.
He flies in to my city often for business which is why I agreed to the long distance idea, he also told me he was willing to relocate if things went well between us.
I think we rushed things and that is why he has pulled back. I haven't returned his call and it worries me a bit.; March 3, 2013 at 3:05 AM
Venus said...: Thanks Anonymous, SilentScream & Vivian for sharing..so I am perfectly normal and you all won't my mind if I repeat everyday that how bad it hurts!!

It's #2 day, I have nothing from his side since we spoke last. My last text to him said..no matter how much i luv u, want u or think about u, i feel that u will never be mine!

I do not have any reply to that! Is he fed up?? I am fed up!! This guy claims that I'm perfect for him and puts me on top of the world when we speak or meet but when I feel like talking he has no time and he ignores me!!! I still want him and want 30 days to bring us closer, I want him to have some emotional depth which I feel he is lacking in our relationship. But if I move on, I will move on, but it will hurt if he kept quite and all this end on that text which I sent in rage.; March 3, 2013 at 5:48 AM
Lady Leo said...: Day 19 ~

Good morning all,

One reason I count to the days is to celebrate my accomplishment of letting go...one day at a time.

Here's a little of my story:

I held my own very strongly when dating this guy. I set and enforced boundaries, especially a week before he poof'd when he gave me an ultimatum. I was miffed at him after a political convo we had and didn't feel like speaking when he called. I waited 3 hrs and texted I didn't want to talk tonight, "maybe tomorrow". Well, holy hockey-cakes, that pee'd him off.

He replied that he'd done nothing wrong and if I didn't speak to him tonight, we should call off the weekend we had planned and forget it all. Ohhhhhh....kayyyyyy. I don't allow anyone to control me (when I am aware they are trying, that is). Long story short, I called his bluff and said I don't respond well to ultimatums and he should never threaten me. EVER.

Few days later he came a textin/callin wanting to reinstate the weekend plans. I said we need to discuss what happened and he was all ears. he admitted he felt I was rejecting him by not speaking to him that night. He also admitting his ultimatum was a control tactic. I was gentle but FIRM and said I will never surrender to anyone's ultimatum because in past relationships I have lost "me" when doing so.

Let me tell you, that man heard me loud and clear and saw my strength. When he came for that weekend, he was extremely accommodating and loving to me. I did teach him then how to treat me.

the flip side to all this was, we developed a nice amount of intimacy that weekend (non sexual) and it spooked us both. The distancing was evident the day after he left, only I came back, he didn't. Two days later, in a text convo, I called him "my love" as I had many times (we both had), and he replies with "Careful....The "L" word is dangerous territory". (then adds a smile face LOL). So that was his way of saying "Im getting too close to her, STOP this train"!!!

Later, he texted that he was not a *fan* of being in love, that the word is "over-used". all this from a guy who used it frequently with me, in both english and spanish LOL!!

Anyhoo....I've gotten off track...after I held my own...I totally mushed out when he went distant and in my confusion I chased and called and texted. So THAT is why I am proud of my 19 days, because I am making amends to MYSELF for my emo meltdown. And I do believe in the Law of attraction and the power of the universe in that the happier, more confident and valuable I become, so I shall attract the same!!; March 3, 2013 at 8:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: A little inspiration for all you ladies in the middle of no contact:

http://youtu.be/0wi75BBkLqs

Stand strong, stand still - so happiness can hit you - like a train on a track ;-)

It's not about HIM, it's about YOU.; March 3, 2013 at 9:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: After you grasp the lyrics of that song, ladies, watch the video version:

http://youtu.be/iWOyfLBYtuU

Notice the symbolism in it. She starts out in the "light" and her "warrior" spirit makes an appearance, dancing lightly with the support of other women behind her. Her spirit starts to become expressive and reveals itself in different ways.

Then she sinks back into the "dark" and shares those feelings, feelings of grasping for too much, acknowledging them. Then she instantly swings back into the "light" - where happiness has hit her "like a bullet" and she swings into survival mode, where she expresses herself freely and her "warrior" spirit becomes more alive.

She then charges forward and begins to eliminate the support of those around her, no longer needing it. . .to be left standing alone, a strong warrior in the end ;-)

It's a process, ladies. Nothing comes without a price in this world and that includes change.

But if you embrace it, if you walk through it - in the end - you find yourself ;-); March 3, 2013 at 10:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 3, 3:05 AM,
Well, I understand there's a connection here of sorts regarding a particular sexual interest, however, he's not the only man on the planet willing to explore these territories with you. Trust me on that. Many men that may have never explored that area before are more than willing to do so, should you decide to lead them in that direction, LOL ;-)

I imagine HE has a much more difficult time finding a woman that will permit HIM to lead HER into those territories. Because what you speak of requires trust. I mean, let's face it. There aren't many women that permit men to tie them up or dominate them in any way without trust first being established, ya' know? But men? Yea, that's a bit of a different story. I imagine many men are more willing to explore that area that haven't before than women.

I could be wrong here, but I imagine HE needs YOU more than YOU need HIM when it comes to that topic, LOL.

And it's hard to say what he expected here. I know he stated he wants a relationship, however, most men that truly seek that don't jump into bed with the woman right away. Most men seeking a relationship ENJOY the "getting to know you" period, so they chose to prolong it to an extent.

And by "relationship" I'm not sure what his definition of that is. I mean, everyone has a different definition of what a relationship is to them. By relationship, did he mean a regular, reoccurring casual sexual encounter? Or did he mean a true emotional connection and commitment?

Why not give it another day or two? Give him another couple of days to reach out again. If he doesn't, then I'd send a simply hello. I'd bring nothing up, no talk of a relationship or anything like that. And I'd just feel him out.

But that'd be the ONLY time I'd reach out like that. From that point on, I'd step back and observe his behavior. Observe his actions to see if they align with his words.

And I'd do that for several weeks, giving him plenty of time and space to lead the relationship along. If he fails to do so, then I'd probably chalk this up to a hook up of sorts and a casual sexual encounter. And I wouldn't expect anything more from him than that.

Ignore his words, focus on his actions - and observe ;-); March 3, 2013 at 10:51 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I just want to tell you that you were absolutely right in all that you told and advised me.

Today I went on a walking date with that man at noon. At 12.05 he called me to apologize he would be late. I said okay and waited for him 15 minutes. I presume he again, like many times before, tested my tolerance. On the date everything went fine, on the surface he was courteous and polite, although I again had that strange feeling that I was a fly in a spider´s web. Moreover, I noticed that he confused some information about me with someone else, but I didn´t tell him. He also didn´t remember some obvious facts about me! And I noticed that he avoided more personal topics.At the end of the date he said that he would see if we would meet next Saturday. He didn´t ask me whether I would have time or willingness to meet him, he just said HE would see. Quite rude. Now I know for sure he is very dominant and rude, but on this date he tried to hide it as much as possible. When I came home, I wrote to his dating profile under a different name. He almost immediately responded saying that he would like to meet a nice woman for a serious relationship, that it is sooo difficult to find a decent woman nowadays, blah, blah...He is still signed in, it´s been almost two hours now, so you can imagine how many women he is writing to. I understand clearly now, that I am definitely not the only one who got a perfume!:-(

So I just wanted to tell you that you "read" him perfectly well and he is really disgusting. Because he can´t even be a friend, he is dishonest and I think that he wants to control women because he is insecure and by controlling them he feels powerful. Thanks again for your advice, it´s invaluable. I´ve decided not to answer his messages or calls at all from now on.
HopefulWithMen; March 3, 2013 at 2:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Well, pat yourself on the back dear. Kudos to you!

Your gut was speaking to you and you listened, you observed and, as a result, you've found your answer.

He's a con man and he's seeking a willing victim. I'm not sure what his end goal is, but it doesn't matter. It's obvious he's working many women at the same time, blowing smoke up their ass telling them what he thinks they want to hear, and stringing as many as he can along.

Now you know what to look out for and you can avoid this confusion in the future.

And it wasn't all me here, it was you too. It was your willingness to listen to the message, be open to the outcome and to look out for yourself here. Which led you to success and the avoidance of a heart break.

He's definitely a player. It's obvious he's juggling so many that he can't remember details about any one of them in particular.

And now, you're free to move on, knowing that you did nothing wrong here - it was HIM and his deceitful behavior that was the problem.

And now you have room in your life for a man that will appreciate you, treat you well and won't string you along.

Never, ever speak to this man again. He's not worth another ounce of your time. Congratulate yourself here on a job well done and bask in the glow of your newly found strength :-); March 3, 2013 at 2:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks again for all this blog and individual advice as well. I have learnt so much. As I´ve written, it´s a pity I didn´t know all of this earlier but better late than never. Yes, I feel much more powerful now than ever before! From all my heart I wish you only the very best! (-:
HopefulWithMen; March 3, 2013 at 2:53 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @SilentScream

Thank you for writing back!I am truly dedicating myself to this fitness plan.I've set little goals for myself for the next 6 months as I feel like I need to push myself to grow in every way and actually have a 'visual' result staring me back in the mirror.It takes a lot of dedication and sacrifice(NO MORE GOOD FOOD),but I figured I can do this or I want to prove to myself that I can.

Either way,it's another strength/endurance exercise and I'm so game for it.

I know how you feel.The moment you saw that message you probably imploded LOL and felt on top of the world but as the days go by and he is still silent,you begin to doubt yourself again.Don't be tempted to google him or anything.It's just distracting you from your path and its sadomasochistic.I did that a few days ago and it only made me more angry at myself.

Day 11 NC here for me,thought it feels like forever because I started it earlier and broke it.Some days are dark,some are lighter,I do feel like whatever the outcome of this,I'm giving something to myself.I'm learning to be strong,patient(I AM SO IMPATIENT),not sell myself short..I used to push and act on the spur of the moment,thinking that its right for it comes from my heart bla bla.Well I know better now,cause I understand men better now.Thanks to MOA.I never really looked at men like men but more like people(im so humanistic lol)but I expected to be treated like a woman(what a cliche!).Men are a different organism,I 'logically' understand that now.I tend to be emotional and whatnot so this is a MAJOR breakthrough for me.

I think both our guys will reach out at one point.I dont know when,I dont know why or what they'll say but I also know not to fantasize about it anymore.If we invest in ourselves,when time comes,with HIM or someone else,we will know how to act.

And I'm thankful we have a place to come to(HERE) and share our experiences and support one another.This is beautiful,whats happening on this blog,everyday.Even if they are not happy stories,there is beauty and happiness shaping out of this for ALL OF US.

So you hold tight,focus and enjoy this process.Yes,we can actually turn this NC-pain in the ass-into something enjoyable and fruitful.Cheers to that!; March 3, 2013 at 3:20 PM
Venus said...: @Christina

Just read the comment addressed to me. To answer your question I would say, I am not experiencing something that I did not expected but I still feel as if this is the first time!! (not sure if I am able to explain here). Let me try again, I do know that if I call him chances are he will give me 'busy' excuse which he never did at the time of courtship, but I still call him because if he answered my call and we spoke as much as I liked then BINGO ..he is still crazy about me and I would love it. But when he doesn't I get hurt, which is something I knew already , so I should've stopped myself from calling him! Same goes with texts..he has started ignoring me a bit, initially he used to say I read each and every text multiple times, 4 days ago he said, which text..I don't read all of them properly!! So I start thinking should I think about something intriguing and text him? May be he will reply, and sometimes he does but some times he doesn't and leaves me hurt and waiting.

In courtship period he was giving me a lot of attention, time & craziness but I was not as interested in him as I have now become, and now when I need all that the most, its not there!!

SO I do know its nothing new happeneing with me, happens with everyone, I was just curious how NC will help my situation, that's why I asked.

Having said that, I am really tempted to send him a text and break NC and its my Day 2, but I am not doing it. I have kept my phone somewhere I don't know!!; March 3, 2013 at 3:20 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Thanks for sharing that song with us.Really hit me the right way :)

@LadyLeo

"Anyhoo....I've gotten off track...after I held my own...I totally mushed out when he went distant and in my confusion I chased and called and texted. So THAT is why I am proud of my 19 days, because I am making amends to MYSELF for my emo meltdown. And I do believe in the Law of attraction and the power of the universe in that the happier, more confident and valuable I become, so I shall attract the same!!"

I happened to have performed the same little number.All put together and then I let loose like a wild cannon.

I'm looking at NC the same way you do-as a way of educating myself and sharpening my self-control skills a bit.I'm gaining a lot more from it though.What an experiment!

I never NOT reached out to a guy,I always wanted to talk it out,confront,reason,bla bla bla,you have no idea how much I can talk LOL.This is excruciating for my mouth apparently LOL but there is some fuzzy warm feeling emerging inside of me at the same time.Could it be self-love?Am I finally walking the walk?It feels like it.

I used to want it ALL,when I wanted it and how I wanted it and pushed and pushed till I got what I wanted.So why wasn't I happy eventually?Because I never stayed true to myself,my female nature.I want to be loved and admired and worshiped but not beg for it.I don't want to ask for it or tell a man how to show me love or give me what I need.A real man would naturally know how to act.

Keep up the NC.There's magic in it!; March 3, 2013 at 3:30 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Dear Mirror,did you ever find yourself staring at your phone,waiting for some 'Bob' to text or call?

I feel so stupid when I do that.I almost wish we did not have all this technology,it's degrading real human interaction.; March 3, 2013 at 3:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Yes, I've had that happen. However, for me, it's a red flag, LOL. It literally lasts one day. Alarm bells start going off in my head screaming, "Abort, abort the mission!"

When a guy starts making me feel like that, I acknowledge that it isn't a good feeling, he doesn't create good feelings within me. He instantly gets labeled "wrong" and I put a stop to it immediately. When he does contact me - he finds that I'm no longer there ;-)

I only give my attention to men that create good feelings within me - I pull it away from men who create ill feelings within me. And to do that, I call it like I see it - bad or good - and then I handle it accordingly.; March 3, 2013 at 3:51 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

You are so strong Moa.I commend you.To resist attraction like that,to apply logic and power like that..

In LOA terms,I should look at him like an energy field instead.If it's making me feel uncomfortable,makes me doubt myself and tear myself apart,then i should take my lovely energy away from that.

HOWEVER,this same situation with him,made me look at MYSELF,for the very first time and want to work on my reactions and emotions,something I never even considered before.I truly felt embarrassment for my actions,for the very first time in my life.I looked at all my past behaviour with men and saw how toxic my actions had been.

I'm gonna go ponder this..; March 3, 2013 at 4:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Day 21.

I'm doing good still. I admit there are times when I feel like reaching out but I no it will serve no purpose or make things better between us because it would put us back in the exact same dynamic we were before(me being the aggressor) and him being lazy and responding to my aggression. I want the roles to change, so until he reaches out again(he reached out Tuesday) I'm going to stay MIA. It's weird to know that I have 9 days left of NC. I'm not sure what I'll do on day 30. I haven't decided if I'll attempt to send him a short informal text or if I'll just leave it alone and continue in NC until I've decided what I want...

Anyway the longer I do, the better I feel. Because A) I'm not having to feel bad when he didn't answer my texts quick enough, or call me. Since I'm not doing anything. B)I've been focusing on things that will make me more attractive(physically and emotionally). C) I've accomplished some things that I had not accomplished when we were talking last.

Not to say that I don't miss him and wouldn't love being with him(I would) but I feel much better than I did a month ago when I was constantly chasing him.. I think if one thing the 30 day NC is good for it's regathering self esteem and feeling more confident about yourself(something you lose when your chasing the guy).

On the other hand, I do have friends suggesting that it's game playing to disappear for 30 days and ignore the person especially if they reach out.; March 3, 2013 at 5:24 PM
Lady Leo said...: @Venus:

Thank you for answering and yes I understand your frustration. You remind me of the saying "Would you rather have crumbs even though you deserve a banquet?". I have always lost myself in a relationship on some level. Accepting unacceptable treatment because I feared *he* would leave. So I settled for crumbs, ie: less than loving, kind, responsible treatment. No more! That ended long ago and no way in he!! am I going to let my feelings for this man change that.

What NC is teaching me is to think and behave more logically, without my feelings taking over. I've always had difficulty not giving into my feelings ie: allowing shit behavior to prevail because I couldn't bare to be without the man I love. That's the recipe for losing yourself, and teaching men to continue taking you for granted.

Let me scream this out again "WE TEACH MEN HOW TO TREAT US" by OUR behavior. For me, this man treated me like shit, turning on a dime from kind and loving to a fucktwit over night. I don't care if it is because some ex wife or gf cheated or broke his tender little heart. That gives NO EXCUSE to treat a woman with a silent, cowardly end. NONE! My ex was a fall down drunk who cheated on me, abandoned our son at age 12 and I raised him alone. My boy is now 21, a junior at a major university, on a full scholarship and earning the dean's list every semester. I didn't get to quit life cus I was hurt by a sick person. So neither do these men get to shit on women. It's time we raise our our standards and treat ourselves the way we want THEM to treat us, cus no man will treat a woman with more respect than she treats herself with.

BTW... my ex husband got his shit together, got sober, and has made appropriate efforts to make amends to our son and me, financially and emotionally. I invite him to family gatherings as I've forgiven him. He only came back around AFTER I went totally NC on him. Not cus I was still in love and wanted him back, I left him long ago. I went NC cus I was tired of being angry and begging him to get sober. About a year later, he came back around, trying to be part of our son's life. I welcomed it and was friendly and supportive for my son's sake. Few months ago, my ex started behaving as if he had feelings for me again. I saw the signs but said nothing. Eventually, he came right out and told me "I have feelings for you and don't know what to do". he knew I did not reciprocate but I offered to listen to him. He said thanks but he'd figure it out on his own. We are friends now but nothing more.

But it DOES go to show....let go, be your awesome self and they will flock around you. And if you do get your own personal self esteem back, you will grow into a woman whose standards are now way beyond this type of man and either that man will have to rise up to meet them or you will attract a man who is already at that level.; March 3, 2013 at 5:31 PM
Lady Leo said...: @Sista T:

Indeed, I've been the pursuer in days past. Maybe the leo in me. I did it with my ex hub when I met him at 17.I led, he followed and he openly admits today he needs a woman to lead him. I think it's his low self esteem. But eventually, I played hard to get (NC but didn't know thats what it was called at the time) and made him pursue me. I ran him ragged in my teens. LOL.

Aphrodite has been so important in her articles about understanding the natural role of men-dominant, women-submissive. I did most things right in this recent relationship until the end, when I got more open with my feelings before he did. Things I did wrong:

1. Told him I wasn't dating anyone else
2. Over complimented him (trying to boost his fragile ego which had many cracks)
3. Too text available
4. spoke to him daily
5. Permitted sexually inappropriate convo (No phone sex, just too much, too soon)

BUT...I did some things right too. Like NO SEX!! LOL. Great feeling. I also showed him who I was in my spiritual life (Very secular, non religious). I am a 12 stepper and found God and deep spiritual foundation there. He is Catholic and was surprised at my level of understanding of God. I think he may have felt inferior to me on that level. that's too bad for him, cus I ain't changing that part of me for no one. To be fair, he knows much more about sports than me :~P

Anyhow, this is all happening for a reason, for my growth and if I never hear from him again, I will be grateful for the continued growth I've received as a result.; March 3, 2013 at 5:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 3rd, 5:24PM,
The games your friends refer to and associate with this are not comparable. They're making comparisons with games that are played with malicious intent, for amusement purposes.

This is an entirely different concept with an entirely different intent. The intent here is for the good of all, and harm to none. It's what's best for you and it's what's best for him - and the purpose is for both to learn valuable lessons through example, through action. Because words are ineffective in those matters and talking frankly only tends to lead to confrontation, misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

It's called "tough love" sweetie.

Take a child or example, that has stolen a piece of candy. And you've reasoned with the child, using words, as a consequence. A week later the child steals again. Why? Because the only consequence was words...ineffective words and a misunderstood message - that only made YOU feel better, not the child. The child felt very uncomfortable during the talk. As a result, the child "shut down" during the talk...and didn't receive the message or hear a word you said.

Now consider this, instead of words as a consequence, the child is denied their favorite toy for 4 weeks. Ouch, that hurts. However, the child hears the message loud and clear and is immediately able to process the consequence now associated with stealing. The child never wants to be separated from their favorite toy ever again. The feeling was awful and the pain caused many tears. The child becomes very remorseful of their actions, very embarrassed they stole, and very shameful. Ouch, that sucks too, feels terrible, feels horrible.

As a result, the child never steals again. Why? Because they NEVER WANT TO GO THROUGH THT PAIN AND SEPARATION EVER AGAIN.

Lesson learned.

That's life sweetie. That's reality. That's how you learn lessons...via mistakes and consequences.

Not games.

What you're doing here is not a game - it's much more valuable than that and it serves a positive, not negative, purpose. Your friends, no disrespect intended, but the reality is that your friends are too small minded to see the big picture sweetie.; March 3, 2013 at 6:06 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Ladyleo

"But it DOES go to show....let go, be your awesome self and they will flock around you. And if you do get your own personal self esteem back, you will grow into a woman whose standards are now way beyond this type of man and either that man will have to rise up to meet them or you will attract a man who is already at that level"

Love that!I think everyone here will.

And I believe a lot of us here are strong,confident,accomplished women,in many fields.Yet we all somehow happen to lose our senses when it comes to the opposite sex.

The greatest thing I've learned from MOA is to exercise logic,always,anytime,any place.Separate those emotions and apply reason to it.NEVER act on those emotions and when confused or in doubt of HOW to act,simply take my time,until i start seeing in perspective.

This is such a valuable tool,ladies,yet we do not make use of it!!; March 3, 2013 at 6:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
That's exactly how I view it..as harmful, toxic energy in my life that's causing I'll feelings. I want nothing to do with it and it actually becomes a threat...to my well being.

And in order to protect myself, the cause of it is simply removed from my life. And I've found that when you look at it like that, as a threat to your well being...it's really easy to remove it. It's almost like a matter of life and death, LOL, "Abort, abort, mission failed, abort!" ;-); March 3, 2013 at 6:23 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh I completely agree Aphrodite(I'm anonmoyous at 5:24). The one friend who did say it seemed like a "game" told me I just need to talk to him and let him know what the deal is. But the friend has had her own recent issues with relationships and is having a difficult time with her own boyfriend--because of his "distance" and lazy ways. She doesn't believe in NC. I don't know if she's tried it but she believes in talking things out.

I don't know how well it's worked for her. But it has NOT worked for me at all. Now that I think about it, nearly everytime a guy came back wanting me completely, it was always after I went NC on them. No amount of talking, professing love, and/or confrontations and threats WORKED. It was always going MIA and living my life to the fullest that worked the best.

For me the NC has helped me regain confidence, sort through my feelings, develop a life outside of him, and realize the mistakes I made so that they are not made again. I also think it gives men the space they need to assess their feelings and also to realize what they did to cause us to disappear.; March 3, 2013 at 6:25 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Sista Taurus,

My anxiety seems to come from fear.

Scorpio will cross my mind, I'll think of the amazing connection we had, start missing him, and then WHAM! I feel like I've been hit in the chest. I have to catch my breath and pause my thoughts to settle my nerves.

The'black hole' is a feeling of deep despair. I've realized it's from my fear of never finding that kind of connection with a man again.

The fear is unrational, and I have to tell myself that. Truth is, I don't really know if I will never meet a man again who can reach into my heart and soul like Scorpio could.

I have gone over a gazzilion times Scorpio's time in my life. His actions did not match his words, I kept waiting to see it. Before I even knew of Ms. Mirror and "disappearing men," I had mentioned to him his schedule of 'disappearing' (which took him aback), and immediately, he added another week to his time away. The one time I explained respecfully, but very clearly, my being upset with his behavior, he disappeared for good. And these are things I keep reminding myself of when I see that damn black hole right in front of me inviting me to drop in.

You (and I) are the best person to take care of and protect ourselves using logic. As you have shared with others, this is not about "getting the guy." This is about finding, loving and taking care of our true selves in order to be who we are meant to be. And if we someday find a man who will recognize and cherish the same, then we will be able to contribute our best to that man's life, trying to live one hell of a wonderful story for us both.

I still miss what I shared with Scorpio; I, too, don't know what I will do if I ever run into him. My fear is that the silent tears will just fall. I hope the time I am taking to take care of myself will help ensure that doesn't happen.

I felt the same despair over Virgo 2 yrs ago when he first did a disappearing act. POOF! After 7 yrs of friendship and 1 yr of starting a relationship, he disappeared, and I was devastated. Kicked right off of my feet... but I got over that, started seeing Scorpio 5 months later, and BINGO! Virgo reappeared (and then disappeared again a 2nd time.)

What a f'n mess...

I am tired of it. My bar has been set now, guys better man up, or they won't have any part of my time. Virgo gets it now... we'll see what happens with him. He's coming up Easter weekend. If he flakes on me, I'll be able to handle it and let it go. Thanks to Ms. Mirror, I think I am better able to identify a real man from a flake, a player or a bad boy. Hopefully, we all can, and know we deserve better.

HUGS!; March 3, 2013 at 8:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Aphrodite,

He called me again today. I'm the anonmyous poster from earlier today, as well as a few days ago. As you recall I'm in NC for 21 days now, on day 16 of NC he called and texted me several times(which I told you about). He didn't say "I want to talk" so I did what you said and ignored him. Well today, is day 21, and he just called again. He has not stated(through text)or voicemail that he'd like to talk. So I'm just going to continue with NC for the next 9 days. It's kind of amusing though. I kind of want to call him back, but I'm resisting until I hear him tell me that he'd like to talk in some fashion.; March 3, 2013 at 8:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Ugh. I want to call him back... What if ignoring him causes him to think I'm no longer interested?; March 3, 2013 at 10:10 PM
SilentScream said...: @ Sista'Taurus

Haha...you are absolutely right. I was sooo surprised (and happy) when I received his text so soon after I unfriended him. All along, I was thinking that he was maybe trying to tell me that he's not interested in pursuing this romantically without actually saying it and just flaking out on meeting up as his way of sending me the message. I really thought unfriending him was THE end of him. And as days go by without him reaching out again after that last text, I beginning to doubt myself again. Honestly, I'm not so sure that he will reach out again...I think he is a stubborn Taurus guy and will not easily send an apology my way. And like you, I am so impatient and restless...maybe it's the Type A personality in me. But only time will tell. Meanwhile, all I can do is better myself and go about doing my own thing.

And yes, thanks to MOA, we have a place to come to for some comfort here. Even if I don't have any updates or anything to say, it's great to read everybody's stories. It helps me understand myself and my actions more and gives me courage to put my foot down and not give in to contacting him. Thank you, MOA and everybody who's posted here!; March 4, 2013 at 1:06 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

"The'black hole' is a feeling of deep despair. I've realized it's from my fear of never finding that kind of connection with a man again."

Right???And then I tell myself that is a ridiculous thought because I am more than worthy of experiencing that kind of love bond,we all are!I believe that peak of life/abundance is to experience transcending love like that with another human being.I mean we strive towards greater SELF love,SELF accomplishment,SELF growth-to ultimately be able to share it with someone worthy.So I ask myself,why then FEAR?I think maybe the FEAR comes more from that sense of rejection,rather than not being able to connect like that again.Rejection reaps insecurity,reaps FEAR.So his rejection of you,makes you insecure subconsciously.That's what triggers your/mine panic attacks.With a side of despair..you get the dish!

I understand how you feel though.I had that type of connection you shared with your Scorpio with a Gemini(LOL)-2-3 YEARS AGO.I tell you,the first time we hugged,we pulled apart and stared at each other almost in fascination and fear,I'll never forget it.Everytime we met,it felt like..electric shocks,running back and forth between us,if we even slightly touched,it would become unbearable.Even he had to admit to it at one point 'there is something weird between us'-we never took our 'thing' further though.2 months in our dating,I discovered he had a gf.I left him and it took me a year and a half to recover from 2 MONTHS.He called and has been calling,EVEN NOW.But when I see him now,I feel nothing.I don't know what it was-but it was powerful.

Needless to say,that experience definitely waned my interest in men.I never looked.My current 'guy'-the one i am NC with,found me,chased me,initiated.I did not even take it seriously,as he is also younger,thus naturally immature.But then we met,and I never felt more at ease with a man upon first meeting!I felt no heavy tension(like with the Gem),no nerves,just ease,I could laugh,do all the quirky things you want no one to see(ESP NOT A MAN LOL)..it was such a change.That's why I slept with him,thats why I really did not care because I had no guard up.I'm doing NC for myself here,I have to learn to detach and let a man chase me.This guy is the first guy I allowed to chase me,and guess what?I liked it.Being chased is nice,I felt so worthy.My panic attacks stemmed from fear of not knowing how to act or what to do next.And that just sprouted some irrational behaviour on my side.

I say,good for you that you know where your anxiety comes from.I wish I could tell you how to deal with Fear,cause thats the root of all evil.I guess you/I have to push through it,one day at a time,accept being uncomfortable in order to change.And one day soon,it'll become second nature.AND like dear MOA said,when we'll sense that feeling coming at us again,we'll just see it as a RED FLAG and abort whatever mission we're on.It takes true power to do that.

But hey,that's why we're here,to learn!
Keep on smiling and being positive,hugs!; March 4, 2013 at 7:03 AM
chk61 said...: Last date was 5.5 weeks ago. Last initiated communication from him (email) was 5 weeks ago. This was date #5. We had a blast on that date although admittedly, he did start to distance after date #4. On date 5, he seemed to be trying to make up for his distancing. He was romantic, flirty, holding my hand, gently kissing it, putting his arm around me, offering to go get the car as it was freezing out, rather than make me walk with him to it, etc. Now I realize that was just him trying to set the stage for some "action", which yeah, he got. Not "sex" but he did get action.

I'm sure I made mistakes, possibly said the "wrong" thing but he said wrong things too, e.g. talking about his ex-wife and ex-GFs on every date, somehow they came into the conversation. This was a red flag but I was willing to forgive him for it. Attractive, intelligent men are not so forgiving as they have a cornucopia of choices in the dating world.

I am not sure the disappearing act and reappearing thing applies in the early stages of dating. The Rubber Band theory (according to John Gray) applies to an already established relationship, I believe. So when they disappear after several fun dates, it is because they think they can do "better". And as MOA has pointed out, online dating has created too much choice and an epidemic of men behaving badly. There are thousands of women with sex drives and emotional needs that are just trying to be human beings and find a man to care for them and that they can care for in return but it appears to be exceedingly difficult.

He did just stop communicating with me, essentially in the middle of an email conversation. And yes, since I was very "into" him, since his disappearance all I can do is think about this man. I reached out twice after his last email. His last email did not, to me, indicate things were over. I regret sending the second email, which he did respond to but then left me hanging. That was about 3 weeks ago.

I'm fully committed to no contact. Since I met him online, it seems likely he met someone else. Someone "better".

The problem I have with being a woman and not being allowed to be a full, human being is this notion that I do NOT have a sex drive. That I have to keep saying NO to any sort of physical contact. I came off almost four years of celibacy when I met this guy and I'm 50 years old. We did not have sex but we were intimate, very intimate, by date 5. I kissed him on date 1, because I wanted to. It obviously doesn't pay off for a woman to try to get her needs met since we are not allowed full human being status, we are not allowed to express our full selves because the Madonna-whore complex is still alive and well. Even at my age, with time running out.

Yet, I realize - this is just how it is. There is a reason why they call it "a man's world". I will get past this guy, I've gotten over all of the other guys. I am actually grateful to him as he got me over the last guy I was hung up on for way too long.

Of course, I don't know but I'm not sure this one will reappear. I know as long as I hope for his reappearance it probably will not happen. I think most of the women posting here are hopeful even though the man was behaving badly, because we are all acutely aware of how rare it is to find a man we click with. So I will continue to try to meet new men, and trust in the abundance of the Universe that the right man is out there, waiting to meet me.; March 4, 2013 at 7:56 AM
Lady Leo said...: @chk61:

Hi :)

My story is nearing identical to yours: He pulled distance after date 4 and daily talking for 7 weeks. Total disappearance within a week or so thereafter. Only he gave me a few parting clues (which makes me disagree with your assesment that the disappearing is limited to longer term relationships). 2 days after last date, he suddenly becomes uncomfortable with my using the term of affection "my love" with him. Saying the "L" word is "dangerous territory" and he is not a fan of being in love. And, on our second date he told me he has trust issues and tends to push women away when he starts developing intimacy. Bingo!! he did.

As it relates to a woman having sexual needs. No problem, you can likely have sex with any man you want, it's the "emotional connection" we women aren't built to deny. So if you just want sex with this man, simply tell him and Im sure he would be up for it. BUT...I don't think thats all you want, or could handle. At least, I couldn't.

What Aphrodite is trying to teach us here is this:

1. This is how men are built. Granted, not all disappear with rude silence, just the insecure one's who are thoughtless and clueless.

2. They don't all leave cus they're players BUT we will never know until we react LOGICALLY (with NC) and not emotionally.

3. Just cus they leave and maybe return doesn't mean we do the happy dance and gladly welcome them back to our hearts and beds. We are still thinking logically now, so we react logically and suss them out to find out what their deal was in leaving and what do they want NOW?

I feel your pain, my friend. Last night I hardly slept thinking about this man and the hurt was intense. But I can't help to think of what an incredible life lesson this has been for me and how I definitely will take it into the days ahead whether with this man or the next...and yes, beautiful lady, there will be love ahead for YOU and us all....!!; March 4, 2013 at 8:25 AM
Lady Leo said...: Hello again all:

I'm feeling wobbly so I thought I'd post here. This is all a mind f***, really, isn't it? For me, it is. I had this guy up my arse daily, from monring till night, calling, texting, seeing me, all goo goo ga-ga over me and POOF! He disappears and I'm left without my crack pipe. THAT'S why I (we?) react so crazy and confused and desperate to want it back!! When I look at the situation in calm, clear hind sight, there were things about this dude I disliked, and red flags that I over looked. Honestly, things that could probably be ironed out but things *I* was denying. That's no bueno.

That's why on a deep level, I think this guy is doing me a favor, in the lessons I'm learning and in seeing that I was allowing MY needs to be minimized. I am a freaking AWESOME woman, and I kept forgetting that. And by doing so, I sent him the message it was OK to treat me less than the gem I am.

So while my emo female side may want to rack his head upside a wall, I won't get the message across to him that how he treated me was shit. I will let time, silence and the universe send the message in the time and manner that it needs. In the mean time I will continue to build my self back to being pure awesomeness!!

Day 20...!! Rock on sisters!!; March 4, 2013 at 8:45 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: OOPS,my last post was a response to GEMINI50 not MOA; March 4, 2013 at 8:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Hi Ladies,
I've backed off here a bit because I'm very proud to see that you girls are actually assisting one another these days. Have you noticed? ;-)

It's like a viral message that's spreading and it's now being passed from one woman to the next, to the next to the next - as it should be.

One thing I wanted to point out to you ladies in turmoil during the no contact phase is this - co-dependency.

Much like an addict is co-dependent on their drug of choice for a feeling of wholeness and well being - women can become dependent on a man for the very same thing. It's technically termed co-dependency, and it's the opposite of independence.

It's the erroneous belief that your happiness comes from whatever you're depending on - to make you happy. Be it a man or a drug.

And the beauty in no contact is the independence it grants. Detaching from a co-dependent cycle and realizing that a man should only ADD to your ALREADY EXISTING happiness - he should not BE your happiness, entirely.

So this feeling of withdrawal that you're suffering is normal - much like that of an addict in recovery. And much of it is mental, an erroneous ingrained belief. It's not comparable to a heroin addiction that is a physical addiction. This is a mental addiction and one that's much easier to break.

And what happens in an addiction cycle is there's usually co-dependency and an enabler present somewhere. Much like the addict who has a parent that supplies money for drugs, thinking that if they don't, the child will end up on the streets.

But with men, the co-dependent cycle actually makes YOU the enabler in the situation as well. Women have a tendency to enable a man to continue to treat them poorly, out of fear of losing him. Much like the parent of an addict that fears the child will end up on the streets.

It's a vicious cycle of co-dependency that also includes an enabler - yourself.

Recovering from drugs doesn't happen overnight ladies - nor does recovering from a dependence on men for your happiness. It's a long battle but it's one that's well worth fighting.

Breaking co-dependent cycles is not easy ladies, and there will be many periods when you feel weak, like you need your fix, and you want to fall back into those old, unhealthy patterns because they're much more comforting to you than the present feelings of discomfort.

It's all normal. But fight the good fight, gain your independence - and you will feel well once again and stronger than you did before you even started the process :-); March 4, 2013 at 9:04 AM
Christina said...: Ah, Aphrodite....you sing my song, lady pants :)

I am a recovering codependent of many years. My fellowship is Al-Anon. Was raised in an alcoholic home, married one and do consider myself a "relationship" addict. That's why I take such great care to be observant and share my mind-thoughts with my sponsor and support friends. Men ARE like a drug to me, and though the alcoholic can always drink dozens of other drinks to sustain their nutrition, I cannot live a life without relationships, so learning to have boundaries and balance is a MUST in my relating with men.

That's why I gave the analogy in my last post about the crack pipe. I know in my spiritual heart my happiness and joy comes from the inside and my relationship with my higher power. But as with any addict, the "thought committee" can rage at any time and do a number on my soul.

So, just for today though I started to have the *idea* to contact this man, I am going to tell on myself with a friend and talk it out so I don't go into self-destruct mode.

One foot in front of the other.....WE can do this!!; March 4, 2013 at 9:33 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @LeoLady,@MOA

"I'm feeling wobbly so I thought I'd post here. This is all a mind f***, really, isn't it? For me, it is. I had this guy up my arse daily, from monring till night, calling, texting, seeing me, all goo goo ga-ga over me and POOF! He disappears and I'm left without my crack pipe. THAT'S why I (we?) react so crazy and confused and desperate to want it back!! When I look at the situation in calm, clear hind sight, there were things about this dude I disliked, and red flags that I over looked. Honestly, things that could probably be ironed out but things *I* was denying. That's no bueno."

I second that.Day 13 NC.I just finished my cup of coffee(which I shouldn't be drinking cause of my fitness plan),and this little cup just triggered all my levels of anxiety.That and me going online and reading on Mars in Cancer men(my guy) and how they need a push or they will back up in their shell.

I am mind f-ing myself at this point,simply put.
See contrary to your story Leo,my guy didn't disappear on me.I DID.Lol..I had been acting needy for 2 weeks and stirring arguments that caused our date plans to be on hold.Then I went ahead and proposed to meet up(guilt&embarrassment) and he FOR THE FIRST TIME SAID 'i am busy,I dont know when'.Well,you can imagine how well I swallowed that!I deleted him off my phone messenger and he saw that and was offended.Went on 6 days like a junkie without my fix,called him to make ammends,he agreed.BASICALLY,i put myself in a situation to chase.WHAT KIND OF FOOLERY?yes..

Needless to say,he became distant and cold for a week then he decided to talk and apparently I had decided to do NC for myself so I did not respond.I figured,I am one troubled bundle so I need time off for myself.

6 days later I said "hi,he said hi,ur ok?im ok,good.bye"Well what did I expect?Since then I am committed to my NC but so confused sometimes because I created this scenario for myself not him.Unlike other women here,he did not disrespect me or ignore me.So I struggle while doing NC with the thought that HE MAY FEEL REJECTED NOW.I'm still doing this for myself though but now I wonder if he'll reach out again because well,you see,I showed a bit of inconsistency,much like a man.

Today,I have the slight urge to im him and talk and tell him why I rejected him and his attempt.But then logically,if he had been REALLY interested,shouldn't he(rejection or not) ask me 'what the hell is up with u,woman?'

Very muddy waters here.MOA please shine some light again :); March 4, 2013 at 9:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Yes, it's a bit of a reversal, however, consider this. Whatever you'd like to talk to him about today, can also be discussed on day 30 :-)

I too would think if he cared, he'd question the silence. So that's saying something here. Also, realize that your first reconnection isn't going to resolve the issue. He may ignore you, he may need time to process everything. But...if he truly cares and is genuinely interested, he'll respond in kind when ready.

So be fully prepared for some ups and downs and also for things to possibly not go as you plan.

But either way, regardless of what happens, know that you'll be okay, stronger, and all the more wise for it ;-); March 4, 2013 at 10:41 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Thank you :)I just thought that to myself,on the way to the gym.I'm doing something I've never done before,I'm keeping my emotions under control.

So,regardless of what happens,I will continue doing NC for me.I truly need this and I'm already half way.I need to finish this,I am no quitter.

I need to feel like I can stop when I want to,walk away when I want to.My life has also been sprinkled with addiction,so furthermore reason for me to do this.

And yes,if he cared or was touched in any way,he would try again.Its day 13 so there is still time.And at the end of this,at least I'll have all of me to myself,which is something I haven't been able to claim before.

I want to be a WHOLE!

Thank you dear MOA,how are you these days?Any gentleman attempting to charm the wits off of you? :); March 4, 2013 at 11:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Men are ever present, as in any females life, but there's only one I'd classify as a charming gentleman. As a result, he's the one getting my attention right now, LOL ;-); March 4, 2013 at 11:58 AM
Anonymous said...: @Sista´Taurus
If you or any other ladies want to work with the energy of fear, maybe you could try the fear processing exercise by Inelia Benz. Just search her website ascension101 - sorry, I don´t know the exact address now, but you will find it easily and it is worth looking at.; March 4, 2013 at 12:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi everyone, what I learned from the 6 meters of self-help books I read is my new motto: "don't complain & don't explain" when it comes to men. To this I have added (inspired by MOA): "and shtick it to them if they deserve it". I say "shtick" because I like to sound like Austin Powers' bad Dutch accent in the in the movie Goldmember hehehe. But anyway I am digressing. So despite my "don't complain/don't explain/shtick it to them"-rule, lo' and behold, I am currently FIGHTING the urge to explain to this guy that's dating me that when I say I want to move slowly I do NOT want him to propose "let's meet up in 3 weeks' time and I will cook you dinner at my place". I mean, you dipstick, that I want you to make time for me every week, have a drink after work somewhere, a walk in the park.. Goodness, girls, I am preaching to the choir here, because all y'all know exactly what I mean. This guy is a good guy, but I can clearly see he has just put down his first offer to get me in bed. Price: two dates and a home-cooked dinner. So now I guess that instead of getting thoroughly p*** off I must decline in a polite and friendly way ('don't explain') and let him figure out why I don't come up with an alternative ('don't complain') and then I should let him stew for a bit ('shtick it to him'). Please ladies, tell me that I am doing the right thing here, because I have already deleted 2 drafts text messages and 1 draft email that I was writing to this guy explaining myself away because I got the jitters that he might just give up on me now....; March 4, 2013 at 12:16 PM
SilentScream said...: Ugh. I'm feeling wobbly today. =( I'm beginning to doubt myself and question if unfriending him was the right move. My logical self says it is probably the right move since things weren't going anywhere before him flaking on coffee and not following through one way or another is just plain rude. But the emotional self, on the other hand, is worried that I'll never hear from him again. Sigh. This does feel like a drug addiction that I can't come clean of...yet. Sorry...just rambling now...and resisting the urge to text him.; March 4, 2013 at 2:52 PM
Lady Leo said...: To: March 4, 2013 at 12:16 PM and Silent:

Don't doubt yourselves, ladies!! Remember your doubt is just your EMOTION talking. If MOA thought we should give into these feelings she would tell us, right? She is out logical guru and can think more clearly than us when we are in fear. Really and truly, when the man wants you he WILL move heaven and earth to make contact. Think of how his pulling away has made you want him even more, well our pulling away works the same on them! This is really a test to see how much he wants you. Men are used to this, we are not. So we are blazing new territory.

The committee in my mind today said I should reach out and send a text. But I didn't cus I reminded myself it's just my emo side talking. I don't want to feed my addictive thought process, I want to starve it so my logical thought process will grow.

Im telling myself that if I really need to contact him, I can always do that...after my 30 days are over. I just have to give myself time to get and remain logical so I don't screw up. This man DID hurt me by going silent and treating me less than I deserve. So he needs to not be *rewarded* for that by my engaging and lovely company :~)

Remember your value ladies!!; March 4, 2013 at 5:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "If MOA thought we should give into these feelings she would tell us, right?"

Ladies, if I advised that you all give in to your emotions right now - there would be a hoard of women behaving less than logical, phoning men, chasing them down, stalking and friending them on Facebook, showing up at their work, ringing their phones, demanding answers - there would be lots of tears - and many, many frightened men around the globe today, LOL!!!

Humor is the best medicine gals. It's healthy to be able to laugh at the situation and see the humor in it.

I didn't feel the Earth crack in half today - so I think all is well and there's no need for panic, LOL ;-)

And if these men do walk away once contact is made, they're not worth getting all upset over anyway. So don't waste your time, emotions and precious resources fretting over them. They're all still gonna' be there in a week, a couple weeks, a month or more :-)

And remember this: When you're emotions are in a HEIGHTENED state - that's NOT the time to be holding an important discussion gals ;-); March 4, 2013 at 5:50 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @SilentScream

Darling,do not,you will regret it.You will text him and set yourself up for expectations,anxiety,rejection and probably not be able to sleep or catch your breath until he texts you back,which may take DAYS.And then if and when he does reply,and its cold,you will feel worse.

Breathe deeply,remind yourself out loud that you are WORTHY,let that fill u up and succumb in that feeling.You are beautiful,strong,one of a kind,YOU ARE WORTHY.Look in the mirror and remind yourself.You are worthy of a man to miss you and reach out to you and treat you HOW YOU WANT to be treated and how you deserve to be treated.

You are worthy.Allow him to miss you.You will see how much he's interested this way.REMEMBER:NO one can keep a man that's interested away from you.NO ONE.not an ounce of rejection,confusion,nothing.A truly interested man will reach out.Breathe and let this be an exercise of self control for you and self belief.Belief that you are more than worthy so YOU NEED NOT DESPAIR!

Have no fear,he'll reappear.Look around you,you're missing out on Life,happening as we speak.

Hugs!; March 4, 2013 at 5:50 PM
chk61 said...: I've been fighting tears on and off for the last few days. Any man who would disappear is not worth mine or anyone else's salt. I had convinced myself it was worth taking the risk to throw caution to the wind and just allow myself to be a full human being with this guy cause, I'm 50 - if I don't enjoy a man now then when the hell will I? He seemed to really dig me. How he could be so intimate with me and then just throw me away, a grown middle aged man, is beyond me. and since I'm female, well it has to be something I did, right? It's always our fault, they get off scot-free.

But the emotional fall out of his disappearance is making me feel that maybe celibacy is better than wading into the shark infested waters of dating.

Celibacy is no walk in the park either. Getting massages just doesn't cut it. I'm very depressed today and I hope to God he leaves me alone and never comes back. I also pray if he does I'm strong enough to not reply.; March 4, 2013 at 5:51 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA,SilentScream,Gemini50,all the ladies

I had a little epiphany today.It suddenly dawned on me that if someone can afford to lose me,than he or she didn't deserve me in the first place.

I feel more in peace.Think about that; March 4, 2013 at 5:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
Don't fret my dear. Your age is not a factor here. Love knows no age - and I've seen love arrive at all stages in life.

For example, there are two females in my life that are mentors of sorts for me, like mother figures. Both are in their late 60's.

One, she's a fellow Taurus and she's a real spit fire, LOL - in the last 4 years, she's met 3 men. She likes to refer to dating as "swinging." As in, "Hey, I'm in my 60's and I'm still out there swinging!"

One of the men she was involved with was a blast from the past and two were new. One she dated and it was a disaster, she literally threw up on him and then dumped him, LOL. The other is a first week of April Aries, and she has her hands full with that one, LOL. But they've been dating. She runs, he chases. He gets mad and leaves to pout, then he returns to chase again. Then he does something stupid so she ignores him, then he gets mad and ignores her - yet somehow, they manage to meet in the middle, LOL.

The other woman, about 6 or 7 years ago, about two years after her husband died - she was up at her camp and a guy stopped to ask for directions. They have been together for the last 6 years sweetie :-)

Both of these women had love walk through the door in their 60's. And one of them always says, "When one man leaves, another one comes running around the corner. Just hang a "next" sign above the door and your problems are all solved, "Now serving number 9."

So true, LOL ;-)

"and since I'm female, well it has to be something I did, right?"

Nope. As a matter of fact, about 75% of the time, it's the individual walking away that has the issues, not the one who's left behind. Which is why I always say, you can't control others. The only thing you can control is your reaction.

Sure, there are things women do to drive men away, and there are things men do to drive women away. But the ones that never come back - are usually the problem. Not you. So don't let their behavior be a reflection on you. It's a reflection on THEM.

And even if a woman's behavior spooks the man away, a genuinely interested man will still return to set things to rights.

In the meantime, no contact is suggested as a way to 1) deal with the issue, the pain, the rejection, etc. 2) get your head clear and detach from the man 3) possibly entice him back 4) teach him a lesson 5) stand your ground, etc.

Lots of uses, but bottom line: It's a chance to empower yourself, increase your self esteem, self worth and to realize your value.

Which is the main reason I almost always suggest it. It doesn't automatically mean you've made a mistake, it simply presents an much needed opportunity to replenish yourself - and I suggest taking full advantage of that :-); March 4, 2013 at 6:11 PM
Christina said...: Aw, chk61 (((Hug)) You are expressing the same exact feelings I have/had, so you're normal!! It DOES hurt when someone you've come to care for cannot man up and be kind and show you grace. But some men just haven't got it to give. He DID like you!! Probably still does, he is just another scaredy cat, intimate fearful weanie.

As I said before, I was somewhat fortunate the man told me he was a fearful weanie head. I had forewarning, not that it made me not want to date him. Men have been doing this since the dawn of time. I recall a guy I fell in love with after my divorce, he disappeared after about 6 weeks or so. Turned totally invisible. It was before texting was hot popular, so we used email and cell calling only. He just stopped calling and responding. So, i wrote a good old fashioned letter and mailed it to the farker. Never replied. After about a month, we had a hurricane here (forgive me if I posted this story earlier up thread?), and I called him. Talked as if nothing happened, only about the hurricane. One thing led to another and he invited me to come sit the storm out in his sisters house as he was house sitting.

I went, did the pleasantries and finally came to ask what the deal was. He said fear. Got too close and all that crap. We fell into each other and totally reconciled. About 5 months later, he broke up with me saying he didn't think it would work...I cant remember the reason but we had a lot of chaos and both very immature. I was hurt for sure but went NC (just cus it hurt to talk to him not cus I had a plan of recovery like I do here). One month later, like clock work, that dude called and wanted my delicious self back!! Yes he did!! but you know what? I didn't want him. I was over him and damn no one was more surprised than me!!

I didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't have feelings for him, just said I couldn't trust him to not break up with me again. No trust = no deal. Well let me tell you what....that guy chased the snot out of me for TWO YEARS!!! Yes...2 friggin years. I loved it, tbh. Loved the attention, I saw him maybe 3-4 times a year, no dates, just hanging out. He left gifts on my doorstep, sent letters, did favors for me. He was like a drooling puppy. After 2 years I gave him another chance, and sadly, it was just as sick and dysfunctional, but he never disappeared. He was on me like white on rice. When I broke up with him for good, we eventually had a moment of amends with each other and became friends. This was a guy fraught with intimacy issues, an ex who cheated, left him and married the lover.

Funny thing...when I went through court battles with my ex over our son, my ex referred me to the attorney for HIS ex wife. Said she was a shark. LOL...I hired her and she did help me!

Few weeks ago I too was cursing the male population and closed myself off to dating. I'm passed that now. have faith, do EVERYTHING you can to build your esteem back up. Spa days, friends, activities....practice what I call extreme self care. It works if YOU work it. I have a dude from the dating site emailing me. He's ok, Im not so into him but I will talk with him just to pass time. Ya never know, he might be flipping NORMAL!!; March 4, 2013 at 6:21 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

"I didn't feel the Earth crack in half today - so I think all is well and there's no need for panic, LOL ;-)"

I'm cracking up here,literally,boy,laughing is healthy.I can still laugh from the depth of my belly!

Mirror,you have a gentleman on your hands?How does it feel?How does he treat you?-generally speaking,don't mean to pry :); March 4, 2013 at 6:27 PM
virgochick said...: Why wont mine just go away.

Why would he send me a text and 1.30am asking "are you awake?xo"

Needless to say I did not reply and still haven't but far out I do not understand what the point of that was. It was a Monday night I have work today...ummm ok?

I don't know why I want to analyse that.. I wish my curiousity would just give up and forget about it.; March 4, 2013 at 6:38 PM
Lady Leo said...: Oh by the by....could use your guys advice.

This new guy: I waited 3 days to reply to his email asking to talk to me for first time, on phone. I replied:

"Nice to hear from you. Will try to touch base with you this week. How often do you travel?

Have a great week!"

Notice how I was vague in *try8 to *touch base* :-)

He replied with:

"Great to hear from you.

My travel schedule has not pattern to it. I would say about once a month, although I plan to go back for Easter to see my parent's later this month.

Feel free to call and we can chat.

Thanks! "

So ya think I'm a call this dude? Noooooo......he will have to reach out again to knock on my door. Think that's the way to go, have him reach out to me again???

Btw...this reminds me...years ago I dated a scorpio (damn, these guys melt me). He asked a mutual friend for my number. I allow friend to give to him. week passes, NO CALL. Hmmm, I ask friend "Hey, why hasnt scorpio dude called me?" Friend goes to ask scorp why no call". Next day, scorp calls. And ya know what that turd says to me......?

"I purposely did NOT call, cus I was waiting to see if you'd ASK why I hadn't called. To see if you were interested in me"...haaaaaaa you see, MOA is right about these fecking men knowing JUST WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!

I have a ton of stories like this....I will share more later.; March 4, 2013 at 6:53 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ All,
Love the latest chatter... we are a string of lively birds, aren't we?? lol

@ Sista Taurus, thanks for your response. I look forward to when I'm finally over Scorpio... just like everyone here, missing him still hurts. Can't wait til the day when I can look back on Scorpio's Chapter in my life and chuckle to myself over 'that man who had me for a little while and just long enough to rock my little world' -- can't wait to get to that day.

@ Chk61, I'm 50 too, ended a 15-yr live-in committed relationship five years ago (married at 19, split at 22 w/2 toddlers). I've had my feet kicked out from under me a few times from men in past 5 yrs. Time, taking care of myself and good friends have been the elixer to pick myself up and put myself back together again. Celibacy sucks... I don't recommend that plan.

Learning how to be you, not give a fuck about what other people think, living your life with grace and finding your purpose might be a good plan. SMILE! Or maybe you have better ideas for yourself (share, share), and if you do, push those to the front -- you and your future self are worth it.

@Ms Mirror, What a beautiful group of people you have brought together. Well done, well done. Keep going!

@Peter and Anonymous Male, where have you guys been lately? I miss you! Hope all is going well with you both!

- - -

Update on Virgo: mid-week last week, he started acting out again. Ms. Mirror is right, this Virgo has his own war going on inside his mind -- he suffers at his own hands, it's sad.

So, I just pulled back this time and said, "I hope you figure out what's going on in your head, because this is where our problems start," and then I left him alone.

I was cordial to his work i-m,s, and made plans for myself with my awesome grandaughter this weekend...

He texted tonight> Can you talk?

And so we did, and when he asked me how my flight booking was coming along for my trip to see him in May, I asked him about his behavior last week (no drama, just normal conversation). He tried to act like he didn't know what I was talking about and I just said I was waiting to see if he worked through whatever it was.

Virgo was pretty quiet, and I think he put two and two together re: my NC and taking care of myself because of his behavior.

If he wants me, he is going to have to man up. Ms. Mirror has said a good woman can help a good man become the best man he can be... Virgo is a very good man to his kids, his country, his friends, his work, etc. But he's going to have to work thru his other issues because I won't sacrifice my "self" again because of them.

Thank you to all for sharing your life stories... in almost all of them, I can recognize myself, and hope the wisdom that is given by Ms. Mirror and others will come fluently to me in the future.

peace and love to all...; March 4, 2013 at 9:00 PM
SilentScream said...: @ Lady Leo, MOA, Sista'Taurus,

Thanks for your advice and support. I'm truly touched. I didn't text him but today was indeed a little bit emotionally wobbly for me. I'm ok now and back to staying strong. Everytime I'm feelin' weak, I'd come here to read your stories and advice...and it makes me strong again. Thank you, girls.

@ Christina, Lady Leo, and all the girls who've told your stories...

Thank you for sharing your stories about your past loves, exes, current people you're dating and/or ones who have disappeared on you. I love them all.; March 4, 2013 at 9:55 PM
Lady Leo said...: Oh now this is just MORE proof that MOA is right!!

The aries guy from 5 days ago...the I ignored his texts/eamils,,,and I finally tolf him to NOT contact me..well.. HE'S BACK!

Text ":) Just to keep you smiling"

I've never met him, took forever to reply to his texts and broke THREE dates. Later apologized and just said Im not interested in dating. Treat him like I could care less, and he won;t go away!

Madam Aphrodite for President!!; March 4, 2013 at 10:02 PM
Lady Leo said...: Good morning everyone,

Day 21 for me ~ :)

Have a big important work meeting that I intend to conquer. I want to feel great about myself so
I am going to fix my hair and make up extra special today. I am going to say my morning prayers, which include the ex, and call upon the universe to give me an inspiring, powerful day!!

I still think of him first thing in the morning, but I push forward. One day, one moment, one thought at a time.

Keep on keeping on!!; March 5, 2013 at 7:16 AM
Anonymous said...: Day 23,

Early this morning (8:00 AM) got a text from him. This is now the third time he's made an attempt at contact since day 16. Its starting to get amusing. The contact is becoming more frequent and I can tell he is starting to think about me more. It's sad that I had to do NC to get him to act. I will not respond to any attempts unless he says he wants to talk.; March 5, 2013 at 9:58 AM
Peter said...: @MOA, Gemini50 and the ladies,

I've been around, and I put some comments on other posts for you to be having a look at (like the finding a good man post). However with this post I'm enjoying seeing how you fine ladies are progressing :-)

I'm happy to see you're all moving forward so well. I hope all of that builds up and you all get whatever you need and want.

I like you have very much to be thankful for from MOA, and I'm very happy I found her here. Also happy to have found this community.

No updates as of yet as to my own romantic situation but every step I take and have took over the past few days...has been giving me a good view of where my direction can be. But for now I will remain patient and not get ahead of anything. I don’t want anything out there in any way in case nothing turns up from it. The wise thing to do is stay my course, hold firm and just see what the situation puts forward. I will be taking it in and moving forward accordingly. This must be done in the right way and the best way. No slipping in my standards of being a gentleman no matter what the situation puts out.; March 5, 2013 at 12:17 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Ms Mirror,
Please share your definition of a "flake."
I need it to compare to Virgo's behavior.
Thx; March 5, 2013 at 12:31 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Lady Leo

I'm confused,I thought I read somewhere along the thread that you and Christina are the same person?

Anyway,loved reading your stories.Is the new guy you mentioned asking you to call him,the same one as the Aries guy?Quite a rotation you got there sister!haha

Well yes,dancing around them keeps them on their toes,it's when we show signs of humanity and common female emotion that they start acting up.IT'S RIDICULOUS.

So I guess,keep them guessing,always,while caring for yourself first and foremost.And always give less in the beginning stages,yet later on you give what you receive.One call gets one call,one text gets one text back and so on.And hopefully you 2 meet in the middle somewhere.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:My best friend for the last 4 years-a male LEO-decided he wanted out on our friendship yesterday because LO' AND BEHOLD,I did not accept going to see him after work,cause you see,I have a fitness gym to follow.Says I'm always unavailable(i am busy) BUT he always wants things his way and always at the last moment e.g. same day.WELL EXCUSE ME.

And when I said I'm sorry I can't-his reply was 'i'm never asking u again,thats it'.He always says that lol but he does not HEAR when I tell him he's always acting at the last moment.This is a friendship so I care about him deeply and I'd expect him to be more 'open',since our whole bond is based on that.But no,his ego,his pride,his leonine fire-and he's MIA.

Well,I said I support his decision,LOL.If that's how you feel and what you want,i'm behind you 100%.He didn't reply after that.

What a MAN!Lol-let him leave then.He'll be back or not but oh well,I can't cater to his needs now.I have myself to look after.; March 5, 2013 at 1:44 PM
Venus said...: Update..I have to stay NC till 3rd april..not counting days!
He did not reply to my text that I sent on sat morning. He called once on Monday and sent a text which said..call me..there was a call from unknown number not sure if it was him..I don't like that he won't call me when he is with family/friends (weekends)!! Nothing from him today.
I want him to really be serious about me, if he is not!; March 5, 2013 at 2:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA, a Capricorn man has disappeared on me for the last month. We were meant to meet up and everything was fine. But he texted me something that I misunderstood and in response to that I got angry and I made him think that I don't trust him. Do you think that he's feelings are hurt? Is he gone for good or will he forgive me? Thanks for your advice!; March 5, 2013 at 2:48 PM
Texan Girl said...: MOA-

So I met with Taurus guy and I screwed it all up. I mean if I were on the outside looking in, I would be yelling "stupid stupid stupid" to myself. Anyways....so to refresh your memory- we dated over the course of two months- 6-8 dates, he was hot/cold and then I initiated NC on him and didn't hear from him until about a month later. Although he returned and texted me frequently, none of the texts were "worthwhile"-he wasn't asking me out so I resumed NC him. He finally asked me out but it was only 3 days in advance so I proposed a new time, which he accepted.

Date-
So we meet and the conversation starts off about his family and some issues he went through (which he told me about in his texts). Eventually, we get to the topic of us and he is bombarding me with questions re: whether I like him, what I think of him, if I am dating, work, etc. I turn the questions to him and he says he likes me, tells me I am beautiful, easy to talk to, yadda yadda,,you know the usual. He never addressed the one-month period when he disappeared and I didn't bring it up. He then kept inquiring for a reason I am still single, if I have ever been in love, and wanting to know more about my last relationship-which we discussed before his disappearing act. (I was engaged but broke it off and he kept saying it was because I met someone new- which wasn't the case). He's had bad experiences with at least two women leaving him for other men and he kept on repeating that he was sure I broke off the engagement because I met someone else.

Throughout the course of the evening, he opened up a little more about himself- really I should say the whole evening was him being an open book. More forthcoming than he had been in the past when he disappeared. And then the major red flags during the date and my foolishness emerged:

- He pulled his wallet out and I jokingly asked to see what was in there so we started perusing his wallet and boy what do we come across?- receipts receipts receipts from restaurants/bars...and judging from the amount/orders, I knew instantly he was out on dates. So I said "wow here I was thinking you were at home and sad about [the family issue] and you were out there just dating." His response was that I was being unfair. He asked if I wanted him to just stay at home. He didn't think it was a bad thing, and told me to cut him some slack because he has had a tough couple of months. All this while, I am sitting there thinking WTF. What am I doing here?

He tells me "well you should know I really like you because I am giving you access to everything. I have nothing to hide. I am showing and telling you everything. All those times I went out on those dates, I texted you." I then asked, well how did the dates go and his response was "Well I am here now aren't I?
LOL seriously? I can laugh now but boy did I fuck up even more(MOA- I am disappointed in my self).

Me: Oh so what are you saying? that if the dates went well, you wouldn't be here?
Him: No No. You think you're a back-up plan? You're not. I think you think I am this player. I am not. In fact, I am boring. I like you ok, you're beautiful and I mean there is a disparity in our looks here. I like you, we are getting to know each other, right?
Me: Well I am a little jealous about these dates (I shouldn't have said that ugh). Why don't you go out with me? (second whammy on my part)
Him: you want me to go out with you Mon, tue, wed, fri, etc.?
(clearly he thinks we are just "dating" and of course he can do what he wants).; March 5, 2013 at 3:36 PM
Texan Girl said...: CONT'D

MOA I should have fled. It was like my mind was telling me to leave but I stayed and did something even worse...he asked me to come over and my stupid self agreed....well the BIG BIG MISTAKE...I slept with him (you can give me my stupid crown and sash now). It wasn't even good- him drunk, me trying to sleep/not really engaged, him not knowing where his you-know-what was going. Let's just say, there was no happy ending-just terrible. In the morning, when I attempted to get up and leave (with shame), he held on to me and asked me not to leave yet and cuddle. Finally, I got dressed to leave and he gave me a hug and kiss and then he texted me yesterday asking me how my weekend went. I responded and we had a couple of short back and forths and that's it.

PS. we met on a dating site last year so during the date, I asked him if he was still a member and he said on and off. I am no longer on the dating site- my membership ended and I decided not to renew. I checked over the weekend and Monday and his profile was unavailable, but he is back on today.

MOA- I should let this go, shouldn't I? or should I let him know what my expectations are- exclusivity (he claimed he wasn't sleeping with anyone but he could be lying)? I think I know what you're going to say "if he wants to be exclusive, he would ask."

I have really messed up so it may be time for me to initiate NC and work on myself because clearly I wasn't thinking. I've only been with 2 guys- one of whom I was engaged to and I have been celibate for the last two years and now I totally degraded myself and slept with a man who has no intentions of being exclusive or in a committed relationship with me. Geesh, he even told me beforehand he was dating other women. I NEED HELP ME. A dose of the cold hard truth.; March 5, 2013 at 3:37 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have reread your article about how a woman should make the man suffer the consequences of his bad actions and a question has come to my mind. I´ll use my case as an example. With your assistance I have finally realized that "my" man was a player and a jerk. I am determined not to communicate with him anymore, i.e. disappear on him. However, as you know, our last two dates went relatively well and we parted on good terms. Do you think he will understand that my disappearance will be a consequence of his behaviour although when we last saw each other everything was seemingly okay between us?

Please, don´t worry about me, I am done with this man for good. I am just asking out of curiosity after rereading that article of yours. Thank you for your answer.
HopefulWithMen; March 5, 2013 at 3:50 PM
bronzd said...: Hey MOA,

Thanks for all your advice. I found a website where guys are actually planning there tactics on women. Its very insightful lol. You have to join in secret kinda...they dont seem to welcome women there. But the no contact really works ladies....http://www.pick-up-artist-forum.com; March 5, 2013 at 4:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @bronzd,
No worries, were just going to have to send in a mole or two (they'll never see us coming anyway, they're too busy scheming, LOL) and see what these gents are up to ;-)

Particularly ones learning to become pick up artists - i.e. players LOL.; March 5, 2013 at 4:31 PM
Anonymous said...: So day 23 NC,

He texted me this morning(something he USED to do when he was pursuing me), the text came super early, the time he usually wakes up. Obviously he woke up thinking about me. It's his third contact within this week. He hasn't stated he wants to talk,so I'm going to ignore him.; March 5, 2013 at 4:45 PM
Venus said...: Hi Mirror,

Can you confirm this..does status update and activities on FB (not related to him) considered as breaking of NC? Cause I did FBing and he is a friend, cause as I re-read the article I came across this line that says 'When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.' So by being active on FB I did not exactly do that. I am on Day 3 should I start all over again?

At the moment I miss him and doing NC for getting him back on track, not for disconnecting from him.; March 5, 2013 at 5:26 PM
Bronzd said...: Yes! Ive been reading their plans (disguised as a man lol) and they are so devious some of them. So ladies like MOA said dont ever think men are stupid. Some of their game is really sneaky. They even use the push and pull method with women and another called freezing. Its very insightful to look at esp when most of us have bumped into these types of guys.
Cheers!; March 5, 2013 at 5:39 PM
Lady Leo said...: Oh boy, I was beginning to get "thoughts" today. You know the thoughts...."I could send this text and say blah blah blah...." grrrrrrr....It's the committee in my head again trying to take hold of my texting fingers and get them to march over to my phone and type out my "thoughts". DEMONS!!

I had that thought a few times and I had to run over here to re-read everyone's comments. I have only 7 days to go to hit 30 and come hell or high water, I want those 30 days!! I keep telling myself he was disrespectful to me and THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!! So I have to be the guardian, the care taker of my self-respect cus if I am not he will repeat his shitty behavior.

So, tonight I've decided to text the new guy, who, btw is a friggin Aries. (like the other guy who keeps texting me). I hope he isn't as assertive as this other guy. I decided to text him as my email tracking service notified me he re-read my email today. LOL. So he must be thinking about moi :D

Moving on, one foot in front of the other.....

How is everyone doing today? Report in!!; March 5, 2013 at 5:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
As long as the update on FB wasn't intended for him, wasn't meant to communicate with him or wasn't a message to him - it's completely fine.; March 5, 2013 at 6:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bronzd,
It does not surprise me one bit to hear that. Women who assume men are stupid are simply being naive. They have brains too and more importantly - they have INSTINCT when it comes to women. Men don't need to be taught how to deal with women, it's instinct to them. Which makes their abilities even more deadly when they decide to use them nefariously or for malicious purposes.

So when you have a man that's acting "wonky" on you, don't make excuses for him and don't assume that it's simply because he doesn't know any better.

He damn well knows what he's doing - which is precisely WHY he's doing it, LOL.

And I would imagine the "freezing" tactic they're using is similar to the disappearing act - freezing all communications, pursuit, etc. and bringing all of the momentum to a complete stop - so that the WOMAN feels INSECURE and as a result, gives CHASE - making things much EASIER on the men.

Nope. Men are not stupid girls. As a matter of fact, they know women much better than women know themselves, LOL ;-); March 5, 2013 at 6:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bronzd,
By the way, keep us updated - you're the mole, LOL ;-)

Maybe explain this "freezing" tactic briefly if you could? So the ladies here see it coming when it's being used. . .; March 5, 2013 at 6:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Well, to put it simply, it amounts to: Regularly unreliable and inconsistent.

A guy who "flakes" is wishy-washy in his behavior. Meaning, he has a pattern of being unreliable and inconsistent in his behavior. Not just once or twice, but repeatedly.

Until it gets to the point where you doubt just about everything he says and when he gives his "word" you're more apt to laugh at him than you are to take him seriously, LOL.

In general, a flake is a disappointment of a man. And flakes have a tendency to enjoy lifting a woman up (compliments, praise, promises, etc.) - and then dumping her right on her ass (rude, ignorant, broken promises, etc.)

It becomes almost predictable.; March 5, 2013 at 6:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista'Taurus,
That Leo friend of yours - he's well versed in emotional manipulation it appears, LOL.

And his latest tactic was one of "guilt." Making you feel guilty for putting yourself first. Oh well. How's it feel buddy?

When guys act like that, and get angry like that and then react emotionally as he did, you just have to laugh it off. He was acting like a woman there, "Fine, I'm not asking you again."

Whatever, LOL. When he comes back, and there's a very high likelihood he will, throw the same bomb at him that men use on women when they act like that - and ask him if he was on his period that day, LOL ;-); March 5, 2013 at 6:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 5, 2:48 PM,
If he truly cares dear, he'll come back to try and "fix" things in some way. He'll make an effort.

If he doesn't, then let him go. But I wouldn't attempt to "fix" it just yet - give it time. Give him time to step forward and to get over the anger and put it behind him. Because he's more apt to accept your apology once he's processed his feelings over it.; March 5, 2013 at 6:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Texan Girl,
"He's had bad experiences with at least two women leaving him for other men and he kept on repeating that he was sure I broke off the engagement because I met someone else."

He's insecure and he's projecting his "stuff" onto you.

"More forthcoming than he had been in the past when he disappeared."

It's amazing what a bit of space and no contact can do to a man, LOL ;-)

"you're beautiful and I mean there is a disparity in our looks here."

Insecure. He doesn't feel he "measures up" or that he's good enough. Which is why insecure men behave so strangely (to prove things to themselves, like that they are men.)

"you want me to go out with you Mon, tue, wed, fri, etc.?"

Translation: "You want a relationship?"

"I slept with him"

Girl you're nuts, LOL. And I'm not judging you or laughing at you - I'm laughing WITH you because. . .well, we've all been there at one time or another (i.e. Wondering, "How the f*ck did this happen?")

"Let's just say, there was no happy ending-just terrible."

Again, laughing with you, LOL - usually the way those things go.

"when I attempted to get up and leave"

Ahh, the walk of shame, LOL ;-) (Please know that I'm not laughing at you, I feel for you, I truly do - but let's not be too hard on ourselves here. Let's find some humor in it.)

"he held on to me and asked me not to leave yet and cuddle."

LOL, he was hoping to redeem himself from his performance the night before with morning sex.

"I should let this go, shouldn't I?"

That's up to you dear, but I'd say yea, let it go. Because as you can see, he simply does not have the appeal to you that he once did. Meaning, you're over it ;-)

"if he wants to be exclusive, he would ask."

You got it ;-)

"I totally degraded myself"

Nah, don't be that hard on yourself. You stumbled a bit is all.

Lesson learned sweetie. And I think the big lesson in this one for you - is that you're over it. You really didn't enjoy this experience with him at all. Don't let your desire to have a partner in life override your choice in men.

Just because you want attention and love and adoration from a man right now - doesn't mean you have to settle for it.

This guy can't make you happy dear. Wish him well and send him on his way. It'll make you feel much better and it'll empower you.

Besides, deep down, I think it's what you really want to do ;-); March 5, 2013 at 6:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
"Do you think he will understand that my disappearance will be a consequence of his behaviour although when we last saw each other everything was seemingly okay between us?"

Yep. I do. Men aren't stupid sweetie. He'll start wondering what went wrong. And he'll start to backtrack in his head where things could've possibly gone wrong or taken a wrong turn - and he'll figure it out.

They all KNOW when they've behaved badly.

And to be honest, when a woman overlooks their bad behavior and gives them a second, third, fourth chance - THEY'RE even shocked by it, LOL ;-); March 5, 2013 at 6:51 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

I was at work when he(my Leo friend) IMed me on my phone saying 'I feel like seeing you today,you weren't at home so come by after work';me:'i'm sorry i have my fitness plan';him:'this is the last time i'm asking you'..5 mins later 'i want out of this friendship'-CHICK BEHAVIOUR-and the funny thing is he is such a manly man EGOmaniac,typical I shine brighter than thou,think Kanye West at the 10th power.But he is also one of the most humane individuals I have ever met.

I mean he is my buddy that I discuss men with and I have to listen to his string of females and hook up stories and its all hilarious.Actually he not so long ago fell for this Aries chick who acted sooooo hard to get,always unavailable,busy,yet kept him on a leash by texting,that by the 2nd time EVER that they met each other,HE WAS PROCLAIMING LOVE AND MARRIAGE TO ME-in true LEO fashion.And I was laughing at him and advising him to do the rubber band on her a bit and we were both laughing at him for acting and sounding like a chick.LOL-he can laugh at himself,I love that about him.But yes,great emotional manipulator and he just knows I could give 2 f's about his little boy tantrums.I am dramatic too but he's just hilarious.

2 weeks ago he actually suggested,LISTEN UP,he suggested we help each other as friends by becoming sexual,since both of us have not met our matches and we might as well help one another.LOL He actually said,'until we find anyone of our CALIBER,we might as well just appease our appetites'-I HAD TO LAUGH AND LAUGH..I'm still laughing now.

Leos and Aries-plenty of entertainment; March 5, 2013 at 6:57 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA and all the ladies

So day 14 NC here.Yesterday,as you all have read,I was feeling a bit wobbly and anxious and all that fuss.

Today-something is beginning to shape inside of me and it's a feeling,and I think it's a feeling of not caring anymore.HONEST TO GOD,I don't know how this happened,but tonight,as I was looking at his picture on my phone,next to his name-I did not go into thinking mode(what to say,I could say this,I will say this)-NO,I looked and I felt like-'whatever'

Well,it might be too soon to say I COMPLETELY do not care but it seems like I'm heading that way.I looked back a bit and realised I did not miss anything,I mean of all the possible things that he could have said or done,he chose to do those that actually brought us further apart-so what is there for me to miss or regret?

As I write this,I feel less and less attached to the idea of him and the 'what if's'.I see what was(not much,yet great),I see what that caused in me(a lot,not great)and it balances out in a sort of-there was little action,followed by a HUGE internal response in me.well that doesnt add up at all.

I'm also getting this gut feeling that I'm on his mind more than ever now,because I'm kind of the 'unfinished business'(I disrupted him),I'm the one he got a glimpse and a feel of(literally) but did not get to own me in any way.I'm the one who left him in the middle of my emotional tantrum and did not follow up,as he would have expected.I did something he didn't see coming.I think he won't be forgetting me pretty soon.I don't know if this is my renewed self-esteem speaking or yet another epiphany(LOL)BUT either way,I see myself in quite a better position than him here.

So as I march forward,I will hold on to me and let go of him,as it seems to be becoming natural right now.

And IF this man comes back,I don't know what I'll want anymore but I know that he or any other man will have to work hard for my favours and treat me with the respect I so much deserve.

@LeoLady

You sound a lot like me.Tread carefully,I wanna see you hit that 30 day mark with just as much enthusiasm!

Hugs to all; March 5, 2013 at 7:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Aphrodite,

Not sure if this question belongs here but I'm going to go ahead and "shoot" and ask.

My "guy" didn't disappear, he just stopped initiating things(got lazy), but if I texted him or called him (90% of the time he'd text back, and 99% of the time he'd call back). I went MIA on him because I was sick of doing all the work. So far I'm on day 23 and he's been contacting me more frequently since day 16.

That being said, we started off as coworkers back in October--I told you our story already. But basically we ate lunch together at work several times, talked on the phone, and went on one official date before I moved 10 hours out of state. We still kept in contact. He did want to come up here to visit me for 4 nights. He is a nice guy(just lazy and insecure lol).

That being said we all have needs. If he were to come up and visit, I should hold off on the sex even if I want to??? With LDR's how does the "sex" work. I know if it were a normal relationship I would be far more willing to wait as long as possible to have sex, but in an LDR when you're only seeing each other once every month or once every couple of months then how does it work?; March 5, 2013 at 7:20 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello all.

@ Sista T..yes I AM both Christina and Lady Leo. I have a blogger account that is *auto* set for my real name, Christina, but I wanted to protect my anonymity, so I used Lady Leo. BUT, sometimes I forget to switch it when I select the drop down menu near the comment button. LOL.

Well about the Aries dudes: #1 - we'll call Rob is the one who keeps texting me despite my having broken 3 coffee dates, avoided texts/emails etc AND blatantly said to move on. His demeanor appears to me as "I'll just keep charming her to get what I want". There is nothing sweet about him as he is negative and talks about his ex wife with bitterness, after 2 yrs.

Aries #2: we'll call Sam. He is new, tonight was first text exchange. He was rather boring, few words here, no questions. I may have violated the *rules* in that I was fed up and just called him. More like I wanted to get it over with. he didnt answer LOL. Which was good cus I didnt really want to talk. If he calls back, I won't answer. It already seems to me he is wishy washy. I just don't feel any vibes to him and he isn't jumping now to talk to me so he may be full of shite himself.

Your Leo man friend does sound a bit PMS'y!! I had a close leo male friend for several years who was similar. Very babyish and ego driven. Shocking for a leo, right !?!? LOL. I had to end our friendship when I found out had badly he was gossiping about me to mutual friends. i knew he was a gossip already but we were so close I guess I "expected" him to respect me. He did not and it was very hurtful. He is 61 yrs old btw!! Much older than me, and you'd think he'd be old enough to know better. But he is quite insecure and has only superficial relationships. Leaves a lot of broken hearts in his wake.

I like your response to your leo man friend. You didn't give him the drama he wanted. Best way to put out his fire is to NOT give it oxygen, well done!!; March 5, 2013 at 7:32 PM
Gemini 50 said...: For All,
Ok, today was interesting w/Virgo, and the reason I asked Ms. Mirror to describe a "flake."

Nope, I don't think Virgo is a "flake." He's a Virgo Male.

Here's our im's. I have not initiated any i-m's or texts or calls with him since I realized my "word a day" was initiating. But since he was so persistent about dates/times of my flight last night, I wanted to check schedule with him before booking. So, I i-m'd him first this AM.

Me> busy?

Virgo> what's up?

I give him flight schedule for my trip out in May, and ask what he thinks.

Virgo> truth?

Me (with an immediate pit in my stomach) > yep

I can see that he is typing stuff, but then erasing it...and it keeps happening several times, so I say to myself, "F this!" and get up from my desk, go to the bathroom, and end up talking with employees for about 15 mins.

While I am away:

Virgo> I know things will be fine when I come out, but if for some reason, you know, please get flight insurance. There I said it. It will be fine, I'm sure looking forward to seeing you mucho. Dates look good.

Virgo> Well, I put on calendar

Virgo> Did I say something wrong? If I did, I am sorry. Just telling the truth. Thinking of you, not me. I know things will be good.

Virgo> You are scaring me now.

Me (once I return)> Sorry, had to go to the bathroom, and got stopped by someone about work. If you don't want me to come out, then that's ok.

Virgo> Things will be fine, dates look good.

Me (just tired of the back/forth shix and, for me, it's time to shix or get off the pot)> let this sink in your brain.

Me> the only thing I expect from you when you are out here is to treat me well...

Me> Amazingly well.

Me> It's what life is about.

Me> Kindness to one another and putting effort into something you want

Me> By the way, insurance won't help with a change in plans... only for medical emergencies or weather

Me> Have to go to staff meeting with group, but I really want you to think about something

Me> If you have to convince yourself to be with me, then we should just pass and move on. I'm tired of the games (sorry) back and forth, not what I want in my life.

Me> If you are IN, then be IN. If not, it's ok, no drama. (And then I block my computer from receiving i-m's due to staff mtg)

So Virgo texts me on cell> Ok, I take it back. Things will be fine. Just want you to be happy.

And that's why I'm thinking, he's just too much... It's exhausting, and needed to hear Ms. Mirror's definition of a flake.

After my meeting, I read his text and said to myself again, "F it."

Me> Then make me happy!

No response. But I know he's thinking about it. He sent me another work related email at the end of the day. I didn't respond.

I came home tonight to a mssg from neighbors to stop over, which I did. Then came home, made myself a nice dinner, put Chris Young cd in, and just enjoyed my peaceful no-drama life.

Then, Virgo text, "talk?"

And I was prepared. Me> Are you ready to tell me everything?

Virgo> Call

Me> First tell me. Are you ready to tell me everything? (and if he bailed (disappeared for a 3rd time), I would have bailed for good.)

Virgo> Yes

So I called him (first time for that too in a long time), and we probably had the most honest discussion we've had EVER. I wasn't bitching or complaining, but rather I was logical and let him know I wanted an explanation to his behavior and I just kept to my script in my head. All logic.

I think you are right Ms. Mirror, quite a love potion being mixed here... and if a man truly wants a woman, he will tear down even the mountains HE has built in order to have her...

We will see.

Find and be true to yourselves ladies.

p.s. Great to hear your update Peter, keep going! :); March 5, 2013 at 9:11 PM
virgochick said...: So MOA, ladies,Peter

Day has finally come. I know ive said it before but I guess I was kidding myself and not prepared to admit it.

We've had a massive fight this morning cause he kept at me about how I give him nothing he always comes to me.. and blah blah blah. I stated the fact he is unavailable and he knows it mentally. Unfortunately I did speak my mind in being emotional but I needed to do that to close off this relationship cause I want him to know the hurt ive been feeling and I've just been strong about it too long. Probably the wrong thing to do but I am not looking to have him back now.

He said he feels horrible he cant give me what I deserve and all he can offer is his friendship and if thats too hard he will back off and leave me alone and I told him to do that. I want to be left alone and I cannot do the friendship.

Im not going to sit here and think what he feels, I guess it's just proven that this was never going to work and I need to move on. I will say though MOA, this has made me stronger, and also aware of what I need to do for future candidates. :)

I've had my cry, I am starting to see the rainbows appear and soon enough the sun will shine and I'll be happy virgo again.

So I just want to say, if it does not work, dont beat yourself up by thinking you could have made a difference. I realised now nothing I would have done would have changed his mind or made him grow up. Sometimes you just have to accept they are a lost cause and when you think you wont find someone else, you'd rather be alone than be unhappy with a guy who unfulfills your needs.

Stay strong girls.; March 5, 2013 at 9:23 PM
Madame X said...: Hello MOA,

So what you're basically saying is:

Act like a lady; take care of yourself; don't show emotions around 'men'; let them care more about you, than you do them; don't call them; don't except dates after Wednesdays for dinner on Saturdays; if they disappear, wait it out, and mirror their behavior - if they were 'gone' 2 weeks - don't respond for two weeks; make sure their actions match their words; date more than one man at a time (no sex). And only after 8-10 dates do you even begin to think about sex - if deserved; don't go crazy over men, they're only human; let them pick 'you'; accept or deny. Anything else? :D; March 5, 2013 at 10:21 PM
Bronzd said...: Will do! haha

So, they use a lot of code terms on that site. So freezing is a form of "punishment" where you stop communication and dont show emotion. Here is a little from a response on one guys method:
"As mentioned, being a bit cocky/funny during texting is a must. Though, do not throw it too far - do not be a dick - that is a given. Do a lot of push/pull I feel is a good thing as well, keep her emotions going. Also, I feel text her back right away, you can freeze her out if she's been 'bad' but never bring up her bitchy/rude (doesn't text you back) habits, act like you do not care.
You can test her attention / interest in you if you freeze her out for 20-30 mins and if she double texts. If her responses are short - keep yours short. Try to also mirror her texting habits. If she is the LOL OMG type, then throw in the same here and there, it builds rapport. Umm, keep the texting game short, even though society is big on texting now, try to always push towards a date time or something along those lines. Do not ask her out.. say something like "We shall go out to xxxx or see movie xxx, which day is best for you?"; March 5, 2013 at 11:33 PM
Bronzd said...: Just some more excerpts from men: "i felt the same a month or so ago. just keep going out. the more numbers you have the less you give a fuck what they text back, the less you give a fuck the more they want you. get more numbers and let the rest come with time.
Freeze her out ocassionaly ....do not ask about jobs etc...ask about hobies and intrests....and always demonstrate higher value ...and be the first one to leave...
and always confuse her about your intentions..."

After reading a man's perspective, I think we as women need to start playing the game on the gamers and at least being aware of whats going on. They really put a lot of thought into it. They are adamant in having a number options and so should we.; March 5, 2013 at 11:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi, Kinky girl here from the other day

Well he called me yesterday morning so I didn't have to call him.I think he must have got curious as to why I didn't return his call.
He said he had an awesome time with me and was still on a high about it.
We chatted for a while, he mentioned he wanted to get together again, but has not made a definite plan with me.
So now I wait and see.
Lucky for me my social calendar is a busy one, so playing hard to get will be natural, not faked.
I am definitely not going to drop plans already made if he doesn't plan ahead.; March 6, 2013 at 2:44 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and All,

OMG! I can't believe this!!! I woke up this AM to my cell phone blinking -- And guess who text me last night at 11:12?

> Just giving u my new no. This is (Scorpio)

I haven't seen him since Nov 22, and his last text where I responded with "I am mad at you..." was Dec 10. Then I sent him a Xmas text on Dec 23 without a response.

I can't believe this. Last night I truly felt for the first time that Scorpio's hold on me had frayed to where I felt a release... and two hours later, he sends me that text... he must have been feeling something too. The Universe certainly has it's own thing going on, I just WISH I understood the lessons it is trying to teach me.

And for the ladies who are going crazy counting the days of NC, I did that as well, and I think the last day I remember was 56 before I stopped. Considering any date you pick above, the # of days is irrelavent to me now; it's the work, knowledge and strength that has been gained since. I wouldn't give that up for anything.

So, Ms. Mirror, you were right (again!!!) Scorpio reappeared.

It will be interesting to see if he makes another attempt.

I am so surprised. I never thought I'd hear from him again. And I am so proud of myself that I have NOT gone to his work (as work gf's wanted me to) and ensured I stayed away from any avenue we could have possibly run into each other on wknd night, etc.

But how do these guys do this? I've read in other posts that they reappear when the woman is finally "over" them and moving on.

And it happened here... Absolutely amazing to me. (And, no, I will not be responding. Let's see if he makes another attempt. I don't think he will.); March 6, 2013 at 5:32 AM
Venus said...: Hi Mirror,
It's 4th day, he tried calling me and asked me to call back on 2nd day which I ignored. He has been quite since then. My last text to him said..no matter how much i love u..i feel u r not mine!..he did not reply to that..now since he has been quite after his one attempt, I am feeling what if he is not expecting me to call him at all..because I have done NC before for 5 to 8 days..last time when I did he said..I don't know what goes into you..I feel so restless today..I had to write to you and I have been reading article and reassuring myself that there is nothing to worry about and this is what is happening to him

"The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone? Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

But then according to my last text won't he be thinking that I am over him??

Mirror, I may feel better as the days pass, but how about him? Or does it works differently for men? Will he think more about me when I think less about him? Re-iterating, he is Virgo and I am Leo (if that matters).

Thanks.; March 6, 2013 at 5:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Update:
I went on the dating site and noticed two hours after his call to me he had befriended and flirted with another woman.
So I sent him an email with a comment on his profile (he made a spelling correction) and wished him luck with the local girls.
I know it is too soon to expect a commitment and am thinking to just be cool and friendly.
Or maybe do 30 days NC. Or maybe just write him off to experience.
I am not sure whether something I said may have put him off. He sounded very interested when he spoke to me.

Kinky girl; March 6, 2013 at 6:25 AM
Lady Leo said...: @Gemini 50:

What an interesting turn of events for you. I've read all your posts from the beginning. It's amazing how you have grown and changed in your actions and reactions to the Virgo. And as a result, how HE has changed. Isn't it fascinating? I believe in this saying "As we change ourselves, we change our world about us". You're story is very inspiring!!

@Virgochick:

Aw, you poor thing....I'm sorry your man is still stuck in fear mode. If I understand your story correctly, he is too fearful to move into more than friendship? Fear of intimacy? Everyone is fearful, but courage is a choice, too bad he isn't willing. Take extra care of yourself today. And know that the only person you can control is you, and let the universe work on him in it's time.

@Sista T: Thanks for your encouraging words! Day 22 here! I'm going to make it to 30 days for sho!!

Be strong ladies and remember how far you have come. This too shall pass....!!; March 6, 2013 at 6:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 5, 7:20 PM,
Well, that's up to you dear. I'm assuming you intend for this to take place after the no contact period.

I think one way to handle this would be, do not let him come visit if he isn't treating you right. If he's being lazy and not initiating contact or making you feel appreciated - no visit, decline it. That way, you don't have to worry about having sex with a lazy guy that's only probably going to become even lazier afterwards (thinking he's now won you over).

Only permit the visit if he's treating you right. If he's calling, initiating contact, reaching out to you and making you feel wanted and desired. That way, you can feel more secure engaging in sex with him, knowing he's doing right by you.; March 6, 2013 at 8:08 AM
chk61 said...: I entered a post here yesterday but apparently it did not "take'. Can't remember exactly what I said but thanks to MOA, Lady Leo and Christina for their support...

I wasn't counting the days but I just did and it's been 24 days since he replied to my email. It's been 39 days since he initiated any contact with me. I think once I get to 60 days I'll feel differently, and I will admit I already feel my own distance kicking in. I had some photos of him on my computer that I could not resist looking at and I've stopped doing that so that's a good sign that I'm putting this disappearing man in my past.

And MOA, I may have mentioned I was almost 6 years older...some say that is not a significant age difference but I think it could have been a factor. He's a divorced man with children and he's looking for a life partner. I took a risk and fell for a man 6 years younger. True, on most days I look his age, and I mostly feel his age and yes, we were born in the same decade. It's no big deal if the GUY is older....but we all know the other way around often doesn't work as well.

I know there are other men out there but you can't meet them through work (made that mistake) and my friends don't know anyone to set me up with. What we have left is hoping you might meet a guy at a bar, a meetup group, the supermarket (I think that only happens in the movies) so we are left with: online dating.

This guy was definitely insecure. He was an athlete and did quite well in his sport when he was younger thus he was very competitive. I noticed this immediately and on date #4 I ran into an attractive male friend at a bar...(and before this I greeted a younger, pretty woman I knew at the same bar). When the male friend walked in I talked to him a bit, we smiled and laughed, I would talk this way to anyone I knew. I immediately introduced him to my date who then went into territorial mode with his body language. He stood up, adopted a slightly menacing pose and start pressing his groin into me (I was sitting on a bar stool). After my male friend and I ended our brief yelling conversation over the music and noise, my date sat down, looked at me and said, "so, is THAT why you brought me here?" As if I had somehow asked my male friend to appear at the bar to make my date jealous? I know this was a red flag but it was confusing behavior because if he did not like me or care, why would he be so jealous? Unless it was all pure ego at that point...how dare I KNOW another attractive male? I must have looked at him with pure befuddlement and just calmly said: "Um, I live here". He did mutter something about being insecure but it was loud and we were drinking so I don't remember the specifics. He said things on other dates that showed his insecurity but some of these just endeared me to him because it just showed he was a human being.

He did have that kind of puffed up, cocky jock demeanor which I had little experience with and am usually not attracted to but for whatever reason, I fell HARD for this guy. He is very intelligent, well-educated, attractive, seems to be a devoted father and we got along great.

So in retrospect I wonder after date 4, when this incident happened in the bar, if he started to withdraw out of embarrassment because his reaction to me running into a guy I knew out in a bar in the city where I live - was rather bizarre. A secure person may take note of the attractive member of the opposite sex but certainly would not react in this way.

I just don't think this insecure disappearing guy is going to reappear. And that's OK because I don't want to feel insecure!; March 6, 2013 at 8:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies,
Just a bit of guidance here - please notice how Gemini50 is handling herself and this man. This is important, very important. Because what Gemini50 has grasped her is the ability to know when to pull back - and when to dump his shit right into his lap - instead of taking it onto HER shoulders (as many women tend to do).

Rather than fight against the stream by attempting to pound a square peg into a round hole, Gemini50 does not permit Virgo to manipulate her. She recognizes when HE is the problem - and she calls him on it.

But she does not do this in an emotional way - a way that would them hand him an excuse to blame her. See what I mean?

Because if she became emotional and yelled, screamed, cried, when communicating with him, he'd then be apt to turn around and say, "It's you. It's how YOU act, not ME."

In otherwords, being emotional provides me with an excuse - to blame the woman.

By not being emotional, he is left dumbfounded, with absolutely NO EXCUSE other than HIS OWN REASONS for how he's behaving. As a result, he can't deny his own actions - rather, he must accept responsibility for his own behavior and his own feelings.

This is a very important concept ladies. That's how you "stick it to them" as I call it. Not in a malicious way. but you simply DO NOT accept their stuff as your own. You don't freak out and think to yourself, "What can I do to make this work?" You remove yourself from the equation because it has nothing to do with YOU. And by doing that, HE is forced to feel his emotions, acknowledge them and DEAL with them. No excuses.

And each and every time he gets wishy-washy about this, Gemini50 pulls back and walks away after calmly, and very matter of fact, pointing out briefly that it's HIS decision to break the momentum here. And then HE has to deal with it. It's not her beating herself up trying to make things work - it makes HIM take an active role and it forces HIM to be engaged and actively working on the relationship too.

Because many times he's used tactics to manipulate her emotionally. And each time he attempts to take the power like that - off Gemini50 goes. So now, he's realizing, those old tricks aren't going to work here - and he has to man up because he can't fool her.

As much as he fights it, he's gaining respect for her, whether she realizes it or not. And it's keeping him moving forward with her and it's keeping him interested and actively engaged and working on the relationship.

So ladies, get comfortable saying "no" and walking away. Gemini50 is doing a superb job of holding her own here and putting herself and her happiness first.; March 6, 2013 at 8:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"So in retrospect I wonder after date 4, when this incident happened in the bar, if he started to withdraw out of embarrassment because his reaction to me running into a guy I knew"

It's quite possible. And it's also quite possible that it scared him into thinking maybe he was "falling" for you and that fear caused him to run.

Now regarding younger men, this is interesting, LOL. I just read a very eye opening article on that very subject yesterday. And I think once you read it, you're going to realize that things certainly have changed with regards to that in the last 10-15 years:

http://www.ivillage.com/men-confess-22-reasons-why-younger-guys-fall-older-women/4-a-283710; March 6, 2013 at 8:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Madame X,
Yep, that's about it in a nutshell, LOL. Although some of those things can vary slightly, depending on the individuals and the situation.; March 6, 2013 at 8:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bronzd,
LOL! Excellent stuff. . .ladies, TAKE NOTE!!

Particularly about the mention of "double texting" as it indicates just how powerful your SILENCE can be (because they're expecting you to immediately respond to them and they're holding back on purpose).; March 6, 2013 at 8:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bronzd,
Again ladies - LISTEN UP HERE.

"just keep going out. the more numbers you have the less you give a fuck what they text back"

It works BOTH ways, which is why when dealing with men that are only half interested - you keep your options open and keep moving forward. If the man wants you, he'll see you out and catch up to you.

Men realize that the more options you have, the less apt to get hurt you are ;-)

So if the man is indicating a "half" interest - you don't stop there. You keep moving forward and you wait and see if he catches up to you.; March 6, 2013 at 8:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @bluet,
Well, if you make the man "prove" himself to you and his genuine interest in you, then you will feel more secure and more apt to begin to trust again.

And you make the man prove himself to you by letting him pursue you, call you, text you and ask you on dates. You don't do any of that, you let him do that.

And you might want to consider online dating, so that you can "get your feet wet" with these tactics.; March 6, 2013 at 8:43 AM
Lady Leo said...: Wow, Gemini50...Scorpio returns!! Look at that. Play it just as cool as you are with Virgo. Reel him in slowly...LOL. Just keep being your confident, self assured beautiful self!! I had a scorpio I was in love with who disappeared several times, kept coming back, with the longest disappearance 8 months. It was torture. He just reappeared several weeks ago but I blew it when I texted him. Though I don't want him anymore, I would've like to touched base to see how is was, but he totally went silent again after the text. So, keep NC going...and see what happens.

The aries #2 dude...ppfft...Im blowing him off big time. He did not have the courtesy to reply to my call last night. not even a text. so he goes on the shelf. It's rather easy with him cus I feel pretty much NO attraction at all. His interest obviously is only minimal. Can't wait to ignore HIS next attempt at contact.

It's day 22 for me. I still think about the Sag *sigh*. But still remembering MY value and treating myself with the respect HE should've treated me with.

Onward......; March 6, 2013 at 10:09 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @LadyLeo

Oh your guy was a Sag?Mine too!Ah..tell tell!!

What did he do wrong?what happened exactly?; March 6, 2013 at 12:46 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Venus

"But then according to my last text won't he be thinking that I am over him??"

SO WHAT?so what if he will?he should be thinking that you are over him,because of demeaning treatment of

you.Yes,it's punishment for his bad behaviour towards you.Yes,it's perfectly fine to let him think that you're over

him.Let him boil for a change and wonder and see if that triggers him to come after you more this time!It's all about

figuring out his level of interest and this is how you will find out.

No,it's not a game.He started acting poorly towards you so this is what happens when he makes you feel bad.He

gets NONE of you and the rest is nature dictating its course e.g.him starting questioning himself,you,what

happened,where he messed up etc.

Why should you now burden yourself with WHAT he may feel or think also?DID HE?did he think first before he

went on and was ignorant towards you?NO.

So sit back here,relax and know that you did nothing wrong and its his turn to ante up his game.

I know plenty of Leo-Virgo couples.Lots of friction but there is some kind of magic attraction as with most

neighbouring signs.Virgo is a perfectionist much like Leo,who lives his life through a magnified lens.

Be strong!; March 6, 2013 at 1:55 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @chk61

I have a similar story.My guy is 4 years younger than me and yes,fits the same profile-attractive successful

athlete,single,no children,very motivated and grounded,flirty,playful,earthy.I too was not really excited about him as

first,because of the age difference and also cause he does not fit my type per se,but as we talked more,he grew on

me.I remember the first time we met,the attraction between us was just ridiculously palpable,yet I felt at ease,even

telling him something like..'you are so humane'-lol,yes he was,so relatable and likeable.

I think your guy's insecurity stems from the age gap,I think he may feel it more than you.And IF that little incident

at the bar made him wobbly,then God forbid,you do not need that.That's just not attractive.Who wants to be with a

man who gets intimidated by another?especially with no founded reasons.I know you still wonder and tend to look

back and UNDERSTAND..but at one point you will just have to let it go because you can not know what another

person wants,thinks,assumes-unless they show it to you through ACTIONS.He hasn't reached out YET.He will at

one point,they all do.Especially insecure guys.They kind of retrace their steps in hopes of regaining their self

esteem or re-assurance back.It's just human psychology.Expect an insecure man to reappear.

In the meantime,do what you've been doing,changing yourself,investing in you,making your life bigger and

better.You are the ONE!; March 6, 2013 at 1:55 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Gemini50

WOW!WOW WOW WOW WOW

There is some magic happening in your life Gem!I think it all has to do with you becoming more and more comfortable with your role as a woman,your self-confidence,your value,your beautiful self is shining through the entire Universe!

And look what the cat dragged out..your beloved Scorpio.How do you feel?

You may not expect him to initiate again but I think he will.Otherwise why would he,AFTER ALL THIS TIME,send you his new number?He is certainly testing the waters here,seeing if you would reply or take the bait.But I know you will not so expect him to try again.

This is so exciting,I am truly happy for you!Keep doing you!; March 6, 2013 at 1:58 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA,bronzd

I am appalled at that forum.Have men gone crazy?what kind of foolishness is that?why would they want to learn the art of being a player?it will only get them one night stands at the most!

why would anyone put so much effort into superficial relationships,hook ups?why would there be need for tactics?there are plenty of women out there willing to sex without any kind of ANYTHING in return so what are they preparing for?

It's sad,it truly is.do they not realize that if they do crave for a certain woman and feel hurt,the only way to deal with that is by being and remaining a gentleman and simply walking away ?i mean its so easy for men to walk away so why all these schemes?

What am i missing out here Mirror?; March 6, 2013 at 2:02 PM
SilentScream said...: @ Bronzd and all ladies

Thanks for being the mole for us on the other site. I went over to the site and skimmed through it very briefly when you provided us with the address. Honestly, after reading some of the stuff they write and ask on there and reading the excerpts you posted for us on here from the site, I feel kinda disguested towards their (men's) behavior. Although I didn't read through all their postings, it sounded to me like they play these games with us as if to treat us like their monkeys and to teach us that they are the more "superior" ones and that we should look up to them as gods. Barf. I mean, please correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I read here and the advice that MOA gives us, most of it seems like it is more of a REACTION to the bad behavior that men treat us with in order to protect ourselves...the disappearing, the not returning of texts or calls, etc...it is more of the consequence they are left to face if they treat us girls like crap. But the impression I get from the guy's site seems like they do this right from the get-go to "teach" us to submit to them or to let us know or establish very early on who the boss is or who will wear the pants in the realtionship. They sound like really insecure men having to do this. I mean, in some ways, it doesn't even sound like romance or dating anymore...it sounds more like this is more of a game or a challenge to them to conquer. I don't know...maybe I have this all wrong, but it sounds like they are treating us this way and playing these (mind) games with us right off the bat and treating it as merely a game/challenge.

Meanwhile, I'm still missing the Taurus and still hoping he'd come to his senses and text me an apology some time soon. Sigh. Maybe wishful thinking. I've been on the verge of wanting to text him a couple of times...but nah...don't wanna feel worse if he doesn't respond. Afterall, I was the one to unfriend him on FB...I should stand strong. LOL; March 6, 2013 at 3:09 PM
Bronzd said...: Exactly MOA! lol I will report back with any other information the fellas are talking about. But basically, they believe in having at least 20 numbers in your phone of girls.
But what I don't understand with men is if you are playing the game and you have so many women- how could you really focus on one for who she really is? The men say they are looking for the one they want to be their gf. But they say, never make a girl your all. They say keep other options even when in a relationship. But at the same time, what girl who is gf material or the one for you would make herself an option (during the dating phase). A woman that special like they describe knows her worth and will not "compete" for him. She will not let him play his games. But in most cases that is the first girl they get rid of or ignore and drive away. So Its like a catch 22.; March 6, 2013 at 3:14 PM
Aries29 said...: Hi MoA,

Thank you so much for your help. You are a godsend! I've read through all the comments and I know in my head what I'm supposed to do - but maybe a direct comment will help me. :)

I met a Pisces man online, (I'm 29, he's 40) and we hit it off instantly, and have been seeing each other once a week for about a month. Long story short, we slept together on our 2nd date, had a great 3rd date, but he disappeared after that. Our last convo was about a week ago on his birthday. I texted him happy bday and asked when he was available so I could take him out for his birthday. He replied, "You're so sweet! Work is a little hectic this week, maybe this weekend? Can I let you know in a couple of days?" Haven't heard from him after that. (It's been 8 days)

He never pressured me for sex, (I actually kind of initiated it, oops) always treated me like a lady and took me out to nice dinners, so this behavior is throwing me off and I'm very confused. I don't think I was ever really clingy, because he almost always initiated contact and the last txt we exchanged (before the one on his bday) was from him wishing me luck on a work function I was attending.) I've also never had this happen to me, so I don't know what to do. :( I haven't texted him back at all after that last text from him saying that he would get back to me. His work is very demanding (sometimes he works 7 days a week) so I can understand he is busy but it only takes 5 seconds to text a hello so I know he has disappeared for a reason.

Do guys in these kind of situations come back? I feel stupid for even asking this, especially because you've said that most of them do, but you know, we all think our situation is different in some way. :) Thanks so much, you are incredible.; March 6, 2013 at 3:22 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hi Sista T and all:

Here is my story:

Met him via online dating. Electric chemistry off the bat. Im leo, he Sag = Fire + Fire! He lives 90 mins away, so we spent lot of time on phone/text daily. Had 4 dates, the last one he and his teen son spent the night on the weekend. Went to a ball game, did the tourist thing and it all went well. BUT...the intimacy starting developing. When he was here that weekend, I could *feel* the fear of "Oh my god, we are REALLY dating...Im meeting his son, he met mine...and this is REAL??". I felt him being less affectionate that day, though he was attentive and loving.

The next 2 days we both pulled back, only I rebounded with more attention and he didnt. Monday night he starts talking about how he *isnt a fan* of being in love....its dangerous territory and all that. he'd told me early on he had trust issues and pushed women away when he got close. So, he did give me advance notice, didn't he?

I got emo, confused and texted after him. Once I called about a week later on super bowl sunday after he had sent me a 6.30am text. I called at 6pm, he hung up on me! WTF? He sent the text in response to a video Id sent the day before. said he loved the video, it was great. So I replied texted 3 hrs later, trying to keep it light about my broken toe (sheesh lame). No reply. so at 6pm I call thinking "enough with this text shit". First call since he left the week before. He picks it up, then hangs up without a word. I text back asking if he hung up on me??? No reply. Im getting pissed off and re-send it. no reply, so I say "Hello?". he replies "busy". One frigging word, like Im a piece of shit to him.

So I wait an hour and call him VM directly (by passing his phone ringing) and say wtf is going on? All emo and shit. No reply. So i start text bombing him. Im pretty humorous so I said stuff like "I havent been given the silent treatment like this since I gave my son a suppository when he was 4 yrs old". LOL

No reply again. so I send "And he was justitifed in being angry, but you...I havent shoved anything up YOUR ass...(yet) so why ar eyou pissed at me?"

no reply. so finally I send the last one "Ok, Im leaving this super bowl party. if you arent speaking to me why are you still reading my blog?. Goodnight dork." (I have a blog and he has read it before. I can track visitors). so, 20 mins later, he replies "tomorrow".

Oh, tomorrow? Like you will grace me with your response tomorrow??? I didnt reply. Next day, nada. There is another part of the story that you will die laughing at...but I will save it for later...got to go back to work. Im glad you asked cus now that I write all this crap out, it makes me NOT want to contact him and remember what a fucktard he was in the end.; March 6, 2013 at 3:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Unfortunately, these are the times we live in ladies. Things like honor, integrity, being a gentleman, chivalry...many men have no use for such things. They view them as weakness and don't even know the meaning of the words.

All that scheming and techniques to get laid...instant gratification. Those men think hooking up is dating, LOL.

And what they don't realize is..you catch more bees with honey than vinegar. Getting laid is real easy when you're a gentleman. Players need tricks, gentleman don't.

And what they also fail to realize is that...turnabout is fair play ladies. It's not a game. The definition of "turnabout is fair play" is:

"It is fair for one to suffer whatever one has caused others to suffer."

All is fair in love and war ladies ;-)

Never assume a man doesn't know any better and never make excuses for their behavior.

They put lots of energy into getting laid - and they're not stupid about it. An you as a woman shouldn't be either ;-); March 6, 2013 at 3:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SilentScream and the Ladies,
See that site right there..that's TRUTH girls. And yep, it starts THE MINUTE YOU BEGIN COMMUNICATING WITH A MAN.

Which is why i constantly repeat...from day one, set boundaries and make the man pursue you. It counteracts their desire to dominate and control.

Always, always:

Make a man call you...from day one.
Make a man text you...from day one.
Make a man come to your town for a date...from day one.
Refuse to "hang out" and only accept proper date invitations.
Do not go to a man's home or let him into yours until he's proved himself.

Nothing in this world is free. Things must be earned. Particularly your heart, soul and body.

Men will not be compelled to rise up and be gentlemen if they're getting it for free.

And yes, many, many, many men treat dating like a sport...they date for sport (love of competition and conquering). Which is why making them work and compete for your attention...is actually exciting and enjoyable to them. Regardless of how much they whine otherwise. I've had many male friends express disappointment at the ability to easily work a woman over and get down her pants right away.

Men enjoy a challenge ladies - so be one ;-)

And keep your guard up and filter, filter, filter.; March 6, 2013 at 4:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @bronzd,
It's a self defeating thought process thay players have...which is why they become serial daters and make shitty boyfriends, lovers and husbands.

Remember...what your seeing there are the schemes of players. Not true gentlemen.

The men there claim to want relationships and girlfriends...but they're going about it like a player. As a result, they'll rarely attain that which they seek.

Being a player gets you laid.

Being a gentleman gets you a girlfriend.

They're taking the wrong route...which is why morons like that aren't worth the time of day...those are players, not true gentlemen.; March 6, 2013 at 4:21 PM
Lady Leo said...: I totally agree with MOA about the nature of these men and how they operate. But in hearing their tactics, doesn't it sound like they are all nefarious slimeballs who wear gold chains and slick their hair back and are total sleaze bags?

But not true and here is a story to illustrate this point:

I work with young 20 somethings who are totally adorable, respectful and sincere. Two such men, both aqua's are 26 and 30. College grads, one is going for his master. They work out their bodies well, run in 5k races, one has long term gf and they are men I really like and appreciate. But.....they let me in on a secret of theirs.

When the sag man disappeared, I shared it with them for insight. They told me of one of their "tactics" they've uses when dating a woman called "E-break". They described it as being totally into the woman, giving them time, attention, affection: calls, texts..the whole deal. Then at about 4-6 weeks into it, the DISAPPEAR!! E-break = emotional break off. Why do they do it? To gauge the level of interest in the woman!! To see if SHE will come running and chasing after them. I SWEAR to goodness gracious they told this to my face. They said they totally cut her off cold and wait to see her reaction. If she doesn't chase, they assume she isn't into them like they are her and they move on. I asked why didn't they just ask them directly how she feels about him? ya right...LOL...that would take courage. So instead they do what boys do. Kick sand and run away.

And again, though these are guys men, they are quality people, not punks who brag about their conquests. They told me this to help me understand my hurt. But no matter the quality of the man, this is just how they roll.....; March 6, 2013 at 4:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Leo Lady,
Well, you might want to inform those two men that that behavior will give them away to a wise woman and signal " insecurity and low self confidence" about themselves.

I'm sure they're nice guys...but me personally...they'd never hear from me again, LOL. I want a real man and if i get a whiff of insecurity, it signals to me that i need to move on.

Because i dont want to be with some guy who...everytime he wants reassurance, he goes about it by effing with my head, heart and emotions. Which is precisely what insecure men do...all the time, 24/7. Its exhausting and depletes a woman emotionally real quick.

Im sure theyre nice men dear...but i dunno...you may not think that if you ever dated one of them, LOL. People can be very nice people in general...but if you date them, it can end up a whole nother story if stuff like that starts to wear you down. And i imagine theyve passed over some very nice, very emotionally stable, very good strong women...by being insecure about themselves as men and lacking courage.

I want a man with courage. If im getting mugged in an alley and hes with me...i want him to have the courage to protect me...i dont want to see the back of some cowards head as hes running off, LOL ;-)

Then i have to ruin my manicure cause i had to beat some dudes ass in an alley ;-); March 6, 2013 at 4:36 PM
Peter said...: @MOA and the ladies,

"But no matter the quality of the man, this is just how they roll"

I'm not taking a dig here but this is not how we all do it. I for one find this disgusting no matter what anyone says. I would rather be single than manipulative and getting sex. I would much rather crash and burn then move on to the next lady leaving the baggage behind me with the person it belongs with than do this.

I would be greatly offended for any woman to associate these things to me. It would be an insult to my honor, reputation and integrity as man. Even if it doesn't work with a lady I want the least she says of me to be that I honored her, treated her with respect and was chivalrous towards her. That I was through everything a gentleman also a man principle, confidence, courage and strength.

My worry here is that ladies will put us all in this bracket. That would be a great shame. None of the things I hold dear are signs of weakness. They are signs of strength, maturity and wisdom in man. Strength runs quiet, while weakness starts riots.; March 6, 2013 at 4:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Aries29,
Awe honey, this is a big no-no:

"I texted him happy bday and asked when he was available so I could take him out for his birthday."

HE should be asking YOU out. When a woman pursues a man, it extinguishes his attraction for her :-(

Men like a chase, they like the excitement, they like competition - they enjoy all of that. So when a woman takes the lead role, the man's role, it removes all of the fun for him.

"so this behavior is throwing me off and I'm very confused."

I think it's because you flipped the script dear. At first, he was in the lead, he was the man here. But once you guys had sex, YOUR behavior changed - and you took the lead, the man's role.

"because he almost always initiated contact and the last txt we exchanged (before the one on his bday) was from him wishing me luck on a work function I was attending.)"

That's because at that time, you were letting him be the man and pursue YOU.

This is how dating should be:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html

And this is the benefit of courtship (letting a man pursue you and win you over):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

Let the courtship ritual take place - and let the MAN perform it ;-); March 6, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Anonymous said...: I've been reading this site for about a week now. Found you because I was looking for some insight on a Taurus male. We have been NC for close to 2 weeks since he disappeared on me. I'm somewhat inexperienced with dating but to me it boils down to him wanting easy sex and me not being in a hurry to give it to him. I'm a very easy woman besides, I fall easy but I have always been reserved with starting up sexually with someone, though I am just as sexual as anyone out there.

Anyways, today, after much reading here and listening to my heart, I have concluded I don't want him. I chalk it up to he's not that in to me and that is fine. Doesn't make him a bad person, just a player (because in all honesty he said such beautiful romantic things and I knew he didn't know what to do with me, I knew this on a gut level - didn't realize it was because he usually has an easier time getting sex.) Although I am a very romantic woman, words don't work with me. He wasn't interested enough to come correct.
So, I am over it. He sure had me going there for awhile. I'll let you all know if I hear from him but I do not intend to continue seeing him. This is nonsense. Good luck to all of you and thank you for such an informative website MOA; March 6, 2013 at 5:14 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @LeoLady

What a knob head your Sag.Seriously,to call him,pick up and then hang up?What are we,7??

And you went rampant on him because well,I understand the anger and frustration and utter DISGUST.It would have been a huge blow to my ego too.

But what an asshole.I mean you had 4 dates,you even met each others sons,this is outrageous.I can not even imagine him coming up with a good enough excuse for this shit.UTTER SHIT!

I hope your feelings for him are waning and that you get stronger by the day because honestly,this is not a treatment anyone deserves.

@MOA
IT'S SAD.it's just mind blowing to me right now.But those men on that forum are just a bunch of losers,the only way we could use that info is to protect ourselves and see them as Red Flags.Otherwise,it's just a bunch of crap.All insecure,immature,chicks with d***s.Bloody turds.

An E-break?What nice man in their right mind would do that to someone they are interested in,genuinely?what gentleman would risk losing their dreamgirl like that?What idiot would put the woman they want through that,expecting to be re-assured that they are liked?Definitely an idiot I would not bother to know.

I remember you telling us about it as the 'pulling back' natural sort of way of men when they start liking someone,BUT to do that on purpose?He must be only half interested.And then let's say the woman reaches out and re-assures them,why would they want to be with someone who kisses their asses like that?assuming they see themselves as not insecure?Men scream left and right that they want and love confident,strong women,but a confident woman would not reach out so what is he settling for?the doormat? CONTRADICTION.

@Peter

Dear Peter,do not take offense,we are aware that the bunch of men in question are just pitiful players,insecure men,in the wrong state of mind.If anything,we are just taking notes as to what not to accept.; March 6, 2013 at 5:35 PM
Lady Leo said...: To MOA and Peter:

Obviously the men I referenced are insecure, but the point I was trying to make is they are decent men. Who just aren't mature enough to be confident and mature in their dealings with woman. Which, sadly, is probably more representative of the majority of men. Of course, not every man is the same, nor every woman.

I met my ex husband at 17, he 20. I do not recall him ever pulling that stunt, and as Ive known him a ton of years, since our divorce I don't think he's done that to women he's dated. We've spoken of it and he says no way. And guess what? He is as insecure as they come about women. He is a libra and says he only pursues women "I know I can get". And he needs women to show him they are into him, so when he gets that green light, he tends to move forward rather than backs away. I did pursue the living daylights out of him, the wild woman I was at 17!; March 6, 2013 at 5:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Well yea, the beauty in having a mole inside of that site is that you get a first hand peek at the tactics and tricks players that are seeking free sex are using on women to get laid.

It's like the old saying, "Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer."

Those ding-dong men over there, they're what I refer to as "mimbos" - a male bimbo.

Tell those men to keep talking - we're all ears, LOL ;-)

(And you know damn well there are many men lurking in the shadows here on the comments on this post. I imagine we're being discussed on some forum somewhere, LOL. But the difference is, I welcome men to join us here because I don't feel we're doing anything nefarious here and I want to create a place where men and women can learn to understand one another and come together in a healthy manner. Obviously, they don't feel the same about what they're doing over there on that site, which is why they don't seem to want to welcome women in on their discussions ;-); March 6, 2013 at 5:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
"I do not recall him ever pulling that stunt"

To be honest, I never encountered the disappearing man syndrome until after my divorce - I'd say the first time I experienced it was about 3 years ago.

It's a new epidemic. This did not take place when I was in my 20's and was a bit wild myself. Men and women, even though things weren't perfect back then, did not treat each other as "disposable."

And it goes back to this "instant gratification" society we seemed to have created in the last 10-12 years or so.

If it isn't "instant" - it then becomes "disposable."

It's the degradation of society if you ask me.; March 6, 2013 at 5:53 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

LOL I was actually thinking we might have a mole here too,although this is an open community,welcoming all and like you said,we do not trample MEN here.we come and share our experiences with men that most likely trampled us.(and I'm sure that if some ignorant person reads this-he or she might say 'well maybe cause ur a stupid insecure chick that allows men to treat u like that').

Lol..well NO,most women here have been nothing but kind and open and spontaneous and let their guard down and got complete BSHIT in return.

You are right about instant gratification.People want to lose weight instantly,reverse aging processes instantly,communicate instantly,instant entertainment,fast food,INSTANT MIRACLES of any kind.I don't see anyone out there brewing a potion for INSTANT LOVE though..lol,go figure

If people stopped for one minute and looked at NATURE,they would see that nothing happens instantly,that everything is created in cycles and its all so beautiful.Nature is the greatest teacher of life.

But hey,who has time for that when we have WIFI LOL..; March 6, 2013 at 6:11 PM
Bronzd said...: I have a brother. Ive seen him going around the house bragging about all of the game he had lol. Guess what, now hes married. Just like that. Women have power and men know thatand i think it rattles them. Their weakness is our strength. That's why they feel the need to scheme and plot. They enjoy the "game" the chase as MOA said. Sure they can get sex anywhere. But to get it from a beautiful woman who wouldnt normally give it up fast, is an accomplishment. The sad thing is that most women have bumped into these men. In my case, back to back. Im 20 years old and men my age treat women like MOA said as disposable. The second you aren't perfect they're off to the next one. But if you treat them the same, something is "wrong with you." As disgusting as it is. There is truth and reality in that site. They refer to women as HB (Hot babe and then the rating of her looks- so HB9). There are an increasing number of players like on the site than real gentlemen. So take note and once he realizes that game doesnt work on you, they become putty in your hands lol.; March 6, 2013 at 6:24 PM
chk61 said...: @Sista' Taurus:

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm leaving out a lot more details, obviously we can't describe every little nuance of our encounters here, it would take pages. Yes, he is insecure. Yet, this made him more appealing to me...because it just revealed his humanity. His FEAR is what made him disappear.

So is it his FEAR of me being 5.5 years older? His last serious girlfriend was 5 years older. He does not seem to be over her...although she has since remarried. Perhaps he fears a replay of that experience? He had a long distance relationship with a 5 years younger woman (they lived in different countries!) after that, but that did not work either.

Or, is he in tune with reality, which shows there are THOUSANDS of women his age and younger who are looking for a man - so why would he settle on ME - an older woman, when he can get a woman his age or younger?

This will get easier in time, that I can certainly count on. In a few months the feelings I have now will not be nearly as acute.

I *have* to work with the idea that HE WILL NOT REAPPEAR. That is the only way I can move on from this intense experience I had with him. If I just sort of WAIT, thinking "oh, he's insecure, and I know for damn sure he liked me, at least "in the moment"...so he'll come sniffing around again for some form of validation" then I will be wasting precious time. And yes, I know NO ONE here - especially MOA - advocates WAITING for the guy to reappear. We go on living the best life we can....

The thing that makes me feel sad is that IF and WHEN he does reappear, I will most likely have moved on and I won't care because odds are it won't happen in MY desired time frame. We're already past a month....if they come back a year later, it's usually always a joke (to us, the ones who were disappeared on...)

And I am having a hard time believing that MY disappearance will have any effect on him. He was the one who decided to blow me off. So why would MY following suit have any effect on him??? I already "chased" him a tiny bit after he pulled this stunt, so he got his ego boost. Am I not at this point a distant memory in his past? Something he can pull out of his hat when he needs a little injection of reassuring his masculinity and attractiveness: "oh yeah, that chk61 - man, she was hot for me. Wow, our encounters were pretty damn hot. And we got along really well too, she wasn't crazy. She was funny, intelligent, she made me laugh. I think I made her laugh too. Hmm...yeah, she was cool. I wonder how she is. Nah, there are so many women out there, younger women for sure, there is no reason to revisit that ghost from the past."; March 6, 2013 at 7:06 PM
virgochick said...: @ Lady Leo,

Thanks :) I am fine, I am a bit soppy but I know what I stand for now. Background was we were in relationship almost a yr (long distance) but last time we spent time together was in November, as soon as I returned thats when things went pear shaped. So it's been hard because we already explored the I love you's etc..

Anyhow, last night after writing that here, and said he wont contact me cause I requested to be left alone, HE TEXT me a sad face late in the night. He lasted several hours.

Sigh.....

I ignored it and haven't replied. I have absolutely nothing to say. He says all he can offer me right now is a friendship... I just cant go from being lovers to friends. What's hard is he is trying to make me feel sad so I run to him again..and I know that.

Anyway.. day 1 of moving on.; March 6, 2013 at 9:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
Honey, why so tough on yourself? You speak as if your insignificant in some way, as if you dont matter and have no value. And your've somehow associated this entire experience with your age, which i dont think has anything to do with this. Even when mentioning he may have disappeared because you were 5 years older than him. Where is that coming from? We all have insecurities dear, but you cant project those onto others. I dont see any indication of an age issue in anything you've told us about him...the only one indicating an age issue here is you dear. You're beating the hell out of yourself over it. Please dont do that to yourself.

When it was stated that he may have become fearful and run...think about that. But think like a man. And what is one thing many insecure men run from, one thing insecure men dont want to experience? EMOTIONS dear, not age. Insecure men make for crappy boyfriends, lovers and husbands. Sorry, but they just do. Their insecurities cause bizarre behavior, indecisiveness, recklessness, overcompensation, fear of intimacy and worst of all...the ability to make others happy. Because they themselves are not.

You need to cease making this about you and understand the reality here...he's got problems dear. Social problems and hang ups, which by the way he freely exhibited in front of you with that other man. He might as well have peed on your leg that night and marked his territory like a dog, LOL. Thats not how a secure, emotionally healthy man handles himself sweetie. It's a red flag and its also indicative of control issues as well which could even blossom into severe jealousy if left unchecked.

This guys going to have difficulties connecting to anyone, not just you. And i realize you see his insecurities as a sign of humanity. But we all have them...yet know how to keep them in check and cope with them. Its when you lose control of them that real problems start. Problems that interfere with the development of relationships of any sort.

Start looking more closely at him and less at yourself :-); March 7, 2013 at 12:25 AM
Unknown said...: hello your advice is awesome!!! im dating this man on line, and he pulled the disseapearing act on me, but now? you have granted me the power to cheak his ass...lol. It has worked greatly for my own advantage. Im going to meet him for the first time, next week. I bought my own plane ticket, and purchase my own hotel suite. I did these things to prove im financially independant, and dont need him. Also because I m not going to have sex with him. im respecting the power in my feminity. my question for you is how do I act when I finally meet him? it seems as the bitchy approach works well, since I had to change how i approach him, to gain my espect. But deep down im shy,very sweet humble lady. I thought that he wanted that type of lady in his life, until he started ignoring me..lol. he wanted to purchase an hotel first, but after he pulld that stunt? i was like helll ni, im gettinh my own hotel. your comments suggestions ar soo needed!!! please help.; March 7, 2013 at 5:39 AM
Gemini 50 said...: Greetings All,

@ Ms. Mirror, Lady Leo and Sista Taurus and Chk61,

Thanks for your comments. I tried to write last night, but my thoughts were all over the map... even I couldn't keep up. (ugh!)

I am surprised as hell at the text from Scorpio... it's all I thought about yesterday, and have learned from Ms Mirror, that he was probably checking his phone constantly yesterday to see if I responded (gosh, I love picturing that in my head). But I'm not going to respond, as much as I want to, at least not yet. Because I know that man could still wrap me around his little finger and everywhere else of his, sooo.... naw, not yet.

As far as Virgo goes, one thing I want to share with everyone: When we talked the other night, and I asked if he was ready to tell me everything, it was because I knew he had "issues" that he wasn't sharing. BTW, Virgo is 60, and I thought the issues were "performance" related, and I just wanted to get it out. Not that he had any problems with that, but maybe he was taking Viagra or something when we were together (I didn't know.)

But his issue was the physical distance (1K miles) between us.

I kept saying, "What else."

He got deeper and deeper into what his concerns were regarding the distance, us not being phsically close, the potential of me meeting another man, the work it would really take for us to be together, our families, him not wanting to get hurt, etc, etc.

My calm and consistent, "What else?" worked with this Virgo Male to keep sharing and get the crap out -- the good/bad/ugly, just get it out. I know he felt better afterwards, we both did.

One other thing, Virgo told me that my comment, "If you are IN, then be IN," was clarity for him. For some reason, that clicked for him, and he was confident he was IN and needed to tell me.

@ Chk61, I'm glad you are here posting; I am 50 as well. I understand your concerns w/age. But age is just a number. In my 20's I had so much on my shoulders, had fought so many battles for me and my kids to survive, I would always say I felt I like I was in my 50's.

This is our time girl! What we have over the younger ladies, (sorry girls), is wisdom and grace and experience. Yeah, those little shits -- and I say that with love (my 30-yr old daughter included) have tight bellys and butts, but a real man, A REAL MAN, is looking for a real woman, no matter what her age is.

Scorpio is 3 yrs younger than me. He had said things that made me insecure a couple times about younger women, but he also let it out that he has always been more attracted to women who were older than him. My brother has always been with women older than him. I don't think they seek it out, I just think some people are "older souls" than others, and look for that connection, rather than the pointy boobs. lol

For you youg'ns, I mean no disrespect... your youth is beautiful, use it wisely.

Whatever age we are as single women, as long as we are IN -- then we are IN! ;)

Hugs to ALL!; March 7, 2013 at 6:15 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks MOA.....I do tend to be hard on myself especially in this type of situation. I am also dealing with a physical/medical ailment (that started after the last time I saw him!) that has been bringing me down...a lot. February was not a great month for me and I'm trying to be optimistic that this is a temporary state and I *will* get better both physically and emotionally.

He seems to have fairly successful long term relationships, yes... they all ended (so did mine) but he does seem capable of one. I am aware of his foibles and his insecurity.

I just get down because I go such long periods with nothing and I am an attractive woman. I am very selective. So it's difficult when I find that guy I click with to "make him work for it" and to play the game successfully. I realize it has to be done, with certain men, or we end up posting about the disappearing man.

I know his disappearance wasn't all about me. But we also know that some men (as someone stated above I think) will sift all of a woman's qualities, both positive and negative, through a sieve and come up with reasons why she doesn't cut the mustard. And boom, you've ended up with a disappearing man. And when you're over 50 and the pool has seriously dwindled, the competition gets fierce. In fact, I was impressed that this guy *would* date an older woman because in online dating, most men will only date their age or younger, won't even go a year older.

Anyway, it will all work out the way it is supposed to, the Universe will take care of things, I will work on thinking abundantly and positively, and I thank you for letting me post my fears, frustrations and feelings here. :-); March 7, 2013 at 8:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @stefena G,
I think you did the right thing with the hotel. Because I imagine if he had paid for it, he would've expected sex in return. Not all men will do that and a gentleman certainly won't, but when you have a man that's already let you down once - you don't readily hand him an opportunity to do it again. So that was a good idea.

When you meet him, just be yourself. Enjoy yourself and have a good time. Just don't be too eager and don't get emotional in any way. Just get a feel for him and observe him. If he asks personal questions (like about sex), don't answer them, change the subject. And if he wants to go to your hotel room or get you back to his place at night, don't go.

But most of all, enjoy yourself. And if he treats you right and he's being a gentleman, you can drop your guard a bit and deliver some sweetness - but just a pinch, LOL ;-) It's too early yet for him to receive more than he's given - so just maintain an equal balance and all will be well.; March 7, 2013 at 8:33 AM
chk61 said...: It's funny, I've talked to a few women in my life about this disappearing guy and provided all the gory details and a few have suggested contacting him and either acting like nothing happened, and ask him out (because maybe he somehow got the feeling I was not interested - hard to imagine)...one woman suggested contacting him and confronting him, putting him on the spot.

Or sending him a text with a very brief greeting. Why would I do this with someone that just blew me off? I think any advice except mirroring his behavior and suggesting I try ONE MORE TIME, is pretty bad advice.

He's active on the dating site we met on, as we speak, with his little IM thingie turned on....looking for his next conquest.; March 7, 2013 at 11:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,I know that this might be a little off the main topic, but I remember falling in love with an insecure and emotionally unavailable man back in my twenties. He exhibited all of the traits of an insecure, weak, cowardly yet at the same time entitled man, but at that time I had no idea what the matter was. Finally, I dumped him in a state of self-doubt, lowered self-esteem, confusion, etc. Then a shock came because about 5 months after our break-up he got married! She was pregnant, but still, I just couldn´t understand what kind of woman was willing and able to marry him. Because in the meantime I learned that he bahaved to all women in a similar way. So do you think such women who marry this kind of man don´t know what they are doing, or know it but don´t care whatsoever as long as they have some financial security, or how is it? I can´t add any details to this story because since then I haven´t heard of him. I just wrote this to point out that if more women were less ready to accept these cowards, they would have to do something with themselves, wouldn´t they? And yes, I absolutely agree with you that our present society has reached its ethical bottom because many people even boast about their low manners. Very sad.; March 7, 2013 at 12:44 PM
SassyBrunette said...: @chk61:

I just had to chuckle about your worry over the age difference thing. Here's the deal: since my divorce over 10 years ago, the ONLY men I've dated have been younger than me. At age 30 I was horrified when a 21 year old with an amazing hard body started purusing me hard. He eventually won me over and we dated for awhile. One guy I dated in the last few years was nearly 11 years younger than me. By then I had started to get over it. And now...I have a sweet, sincere 22 year old pursuing me...and I'm 41!! I told him no way, that's just too young, but he's a great guy and if he was 10 years older or I was 10 years younger I would definitely consider it. But that is too much of an age difference - for me. That much age difference makes me feel uncomfortable so I won't go there. When I told a male co-worker about it, he just laughed and said, "That's the difference between men and women!" Meaning, a guy would have no qualms at all dating someone that much younger.

I guess my point is that at my age, younger men are more plentiful and available. And I've come to prefer them. There is more of an openness about them, they're not all jaded and cynical about women because they haven't been used and abused by a lot of women (or allowed themselves to be used and abused by women just so they can get sex). They're more refreshing.

The last guy I fell for (who ended up burning me suddenly last fall) was 3 years older than me. He seemed nice at first, but my instinct was that he had "been around" with a lot of women and had been burned a lot (probably because he got involved with the wrong women just so he could get sex). He was, it seemed to me, "used up". There wasn't that sweetness or openness about him like there is with younger guys. Plus he was divorced and had baggage and a child...something a lot of younger men don't have yet.

So don't get hung up on the age thing too much. I think you might come to find (as I did) that you prefer younger men. They're more fun, more open, and generally don't care about the age difference as much as you might think.; March 7, 2013 at 12:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: All this talk about older women and younger men is making me smile, LOL. And ironically enough, a popular radio station where i live is currently holding a "hottest cougar" contest.

Older women who date younger men are entering for a trip to Las Vegas that includes 5 cougar girlfriends, LOL. Each morning i listen as men call in and rave about their fascination and preference for older women. Some of these women are in their 60's and dating 40 year old men...and everyone is loving it, LOL ;-)

They're even asking what these women like to eat and drink. Top answers?

Beer and beef, LOLOL!!; March 7, 2013 at 4:04 PM

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