Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonnie,
Ah, yes - good ole' Saturn. The "task master, teacher and bearer of harsh lessons" in the zodiac. I hate to see him rolling around in mine, especially in the sign of Venus, the planet of "love and money." Who needs harsh lessons in love and money? Blah, LOL ;-)

"Anyway, got this text today: Hope you've had a nice day.. After thinking about it, I want to apologize for sending you that off color email joke. At the time I sent it, it seemed innocent and harmless, but the more I thought about it the more I wish I hadn't pressed the send tab. It was inappropriate for the amount of time which we have known each other and I just want to say, " I'm sorry!" Please accept my apology. See you tonight."

And do you know why he did that? Why he THOUGHT better of it after the fact?

Because you didn't respond (no contact) to it.

No contact/response really makes men THINK and they completely understand what "silence" means. Which is why when men are acting up or behaving badly - women don't need to say a word. As a matter of fact, not saying one damn word - SPEAKS VOLUMES to men.

Silence is GOLDEN, girls ;-) Get used to "zippin' your lips" and all of a sudden - you're suddenly and miraculously HEARD.

"But a man's stupidity often precedes his better judgement"

Ain't that the truth, LOL. But I like where this is going. He's worth further exploration here for sure and he seems emotionally mature:

1) He's man enough to admit when he's wrong

2) He understands that silence MEANS something

3) He's a THINKER

4) He's RESPECTFUL

Gesus . . could we have a gentlemen here, ladies, LOL??!!

Good luck, I hope he's a keeper ;-); February 12, 2013 at 5:52 PM
AnonWoman said...: Lonnie,

By ignoring the smutty text, as probably Mirror would have advised too, it made him realise it was inappropriate (too soon to send it)....if you had said something back, you may have been labelled a 'nagging woman or frigid' by other less than gentlemanly men.

Instead you allowed him to work it out himself and you remained dignified and set boundaries silently (the best way to set some of them!).

Being silent is so powerful I've discovered the past three months. Before that, I more often that not, under rated silence. No, it's more powerful than words in many cases. A fool speaks and a wise man holds his tongue and all that jazz.

I just need a man I love now to practice it on :)

Good luck with your love life.; February 12, 2013 at 5:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 12, 12:11PM,
"Now..what do you think of this? It's been 15 days now with 3 contacts initiated by him and one reply from me."

Ugh. I hate to say this, but this isn't looking good at all to me. He's either:

1) Half interested
2) Seeing/dating another or others
3) Is a player and expects you to chase him
4) Is a flake
5) He's looking for something "casual" (i.e. when it suits HIM)

None of which are good qualities in a man. I wouldn't reach out anymore and I'd hold back on those responses as you've been as well.

He might fade away as a result, and yea, that sucks. But you know what sucks worse?

Dating a man like that.

It can be pure hell, constant self-doubt, constant anxiety, constant worry, constant effort - constantly beating your head against the wall.

It's so much easier to sniff out guys like this in the early stages before any real attachment or emotions are involved - because it's much easier to let go under those circumstances than it is several months into the thick of it.; February 12, 2013 at 6:00 PM
SilentScream said...: @Virgochick

Thanks for your message. Kudos to you for having the courage to delete yours off of FB. I'm slowly working towards that...I have my days of wanting to do so so badly when I'm thinking straight and my days of cowardly backing off from that thought. I mean...I know I'm being silly...but unfriending a person on FB seem so dramatic...as if to say that I don't want you in my life in any shape or form! I guess, the silly part of me always think that if I keep him there, there is still hope. Sigh. I'm hoping I'll get there soon to bring myself to unfriend him. Btw, do you think you will still hear from yours again, now that you're unfriended him? Thanks again for your message! :); February 12, 2013 at 10:36 PM
SilentScream said...: @Sista'Taurus

Thanks for your encouragement! I know I should really let this one go. It didn't have a good start and this waiting around is just painful. Maybe he is just a player.

"But I'll tell you,on my behalf,I've been feeling pretty great for a week now.I'm busy with my life and I'm busy with myself,learning,becoming more aware,educating myself on these ''men'' a bit.And this is the GIFT.You take all the focus off them and put it on YOURSELF.It'll all pretty much click together from then on."

I know what you mean with this. I've been there trying to get over a past relationship. It feels good once you get on a roll of being busy, being good to yourself, and putting yourself as a priority and having the focus on yourself....then everything starts to fall in place..and you begin to feel so good when you're finally able to let go and don't care. It's getting to that point that is tough...but I know it's doable cuz I've been there before. I'll get there again. Fingers crossed.

Btw, I'm a Capricorn. :); February 12, 2013 at 10:48 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA & AnonWoman:

And that’s exactly why I wrote that here: About treating that email with silence. Because as little as a year ago, I probably would of responded with a “HAHA” or “LOL”, not realizing that would of actually encouraged more of that stuff. Now, the light-bulb has gone off and I see why men do these things - is to fast track you into bed, which actually works, btw. It’s very sneaky, and it’s going through the back door, so to speak, but I believe that subconsciously it does work. I’m definitely seeing a pattern, thanks to this wisdom of this site.

I feel so empowered! And you know what’s really sad is - I have friends (married, of course) telling me to “liberate myself and my sexuality” and why not just go for it? After all, it’s the 2000’s and we are fee, as women, to do what we want, right? (Meaning, we can behave like men because it’s a new age.) Then -when women behave like men, they are tossed and turned away like they are nothing. I am really angry with the women’s liberation movement right now because it’s nothing but a lie. The bottom line is: If you behave like a man, you will be treated like one. This is how men have re-paid us and it doesn’t work.

So, that’s my soap box for today. Peter’s article and Mirror’s advice are right on and I am testing it out as we speak. I look forward to dating now because I hold ALL the cards, literally. And when I played them right (this time) it actually works. I am being respected, treated like a queen and it feels absolutely awesome. Why would women want to settle for less and hold on to the lie?? Like this wonderful gentleman said last night, “We are both equal, just in different ways”. I’m beginning to really like him…. (smile).

Lonnie; February 13, 2013 at 8:21 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

After the update I last gave you on my Sag,with the one word attempt Saturday and 2 words attempt Sunday,I havent heard anything anymore.

I'm fine but do catch myself being restless sometimes.I'm trying to keep calm and in control here.I was really not expecting anything before those texts,and it's those lame attempts that reassured me kind of but also distracted me from my path a bit.I'm getting myself together here but,in your opinion,why is he so silent now?

I understand he expected a reaction out of me so I guess he is now puzzled by my silence but do you think he is strategising now or thats all i'll hear from him?My gut tells me i'll hear from him soon :); February 13, 2013 at 9:33 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @SILENTSCREAM

No thanks,just be pro-active about it.I also noticed you telling Virgochick about the not deleting him on FB.Please,do yourself a favour and click that unfriend button.It will set you free.

I unfriended mine before we even got to talking daily.I found myself peeking around looking at random girls comments-ITS A NO NO.I did it for myself as I thought I really didn't need to be doing that to myself.And i never looked back.He became closer to me,started calling,opening up,all the jazz and that's how it should.All that does is stir more insecurity in you and anxiety.For what?If he's worth it,he will prove it to you and everything else and everyone else will fall to the sidelines.

Do not keep yourself stuck.Move on!with a bright smile on!Be beautiful and light like a warm sunshine and let the universe catch up with you on that!; February 13, 2013 at 9:58 AM
Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonnie,
"I have friends (married, of course) telling me to “liberate myself and my sexuality” and why not just go for it? After all, it’s the 2000’s and we are free, as women, to do what we want, right? (Meaning, we can behave like men because it’s a new age.)"

This is where women become confused if you ask me. They feel that because we've been liberated as women, that means we're free to behave as men. And to an extent, this is correct. But where they're confused is with regards to what they women's liberation movement stands for.

Women didn't march and burn their bras so that they could behave as men when dating. They marched and burned their bras so they could be EQUALS in life matters - not dating matters.

The women's liberation movement was a cause that stood for EQUALITY - in the work place, in equal pay, in equal education, in equal opportunities at LIFE, for control over their LIFE - not dating.

The women's liberation movement fought for:

1) The right for "choice" and their reproductive freedom.

2) De-sexing the English language and removing sexist phrases from it that insinuated a male dominated society.

3) The right to equal education which, at that time, was downplayed for women. (Why educate a woman when she's just going to end up a housewife and mother anyway?)

4) Equal legislation. The Equal Rights Amendment, domestic violence issues, sexual harassment issues and the addition of sexual discrimination written into the Civil Rights Act.

5) Equal pay. The Equal Pay Act.

Nowhere do you see any of the causes of the women's liberation movement geared towards "the right to chase down men."

This is something that younger generations, those that are truly unaware of what the movement stood for, have meshed into it themselves - through misinterpretation. It's also something that older generations that lived through it have somehow twisted and misinterpreted over the years as well.

I consider myself a feminist. I stand behind all of the items referenced above as causes for the movement. However, I have not misinterpreted the causes or twisted the movement to my own interpretation.

The women's liberation movement stood for EQUALITY AND EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES IN LIFE.

Not mating rights, LOL.

But nowadays, you have far too many folks, both men and women, completely twisting and misinterpreting the movement and saying things like, "telling me to “liberate myself and my sexuality” and why not just go for it?"

Yea, I agree with that statement when it concerns issues surrounding the movement. I agree with that statement concerning your career, your pay, your right to reproductive freedom, your right to sue a caveman that's sexually harassing you at work or an employer that's holding you back because you're a woman and your right to educate yourself and enter the work force.

But I DO NOT agree with that statement when it's misused and twisted to somehow include dating and mating into the mix. None of which was part of the women's liberation movement. The closest thing to dating and mating in that movement was the right to reproductive freedom - and that's it. And reproductive freedom doesn't mean "go chase a man and have willy-nilly sex with him." It simply meant that women should have the right to do as they please with their own body when it comes to the decision of whether or not to bear children.

Some 30 or 40 years after the movement, folks are seriously confused about it if you ask me, LOL.

So when they say to you “ why not just liberate myself and my sexuality” and why not just go for it?"

My response would be, "I am liberated and as a result, I will CHOSE to have sex with this man when and if I'm ready - and when and if HE makes the move."

You're right as a woman is in the CHOICE (after the proposal is made) - not the ACTION (being the one to make the proposal) ;-); February 13, 2013 at 11:01 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous Feb 13

..."Then -when women behave like men, they are tossed and turned away like they are nothing. I am really angry with the women’s liberation movement right now because it’s nothing but a lie. The bottom line is: If you behave like a man, you will be treated like one. This is how men have re-paid us and it doesn’t work.

...And when I played them right (this time) it actually works. I am being respected, treated like a queen and it feels absolutely awesome. Why would women want to settle for less and hold on to the lie?? Like this wonderful gentleman said last night, “We are both equal, just in different ways” "

I agree 100% with everything you said here. this women's lib has screwed up dating. I was never one to be into the casual sex scene but I have acted like a guy in being the pursuer, because I was taught we should do what we want like men, etc. But a year ago or so I began to see how backwards that was and that I don't want to chase guys!

A lot of these men expect to be chased since they are so used to women pursuing them, getting an easy lay or having women insist they can be "like men". One guy had the nerve to take a sarcastic tone with me when I told him I did not feel comfortable initiating calls with men when he asked me to call him first. "Wow we live in modern times!" When I dismissed him he said "Wow you were quick to bail, I didn't say I had a problem with it just picking your brain" No thanks!

Most guys can still be "inspired" to act as the pursuer and initiate the first call, after you express your feelings about it, but others like the one I mentioned aren't worth it. Funny thing is the guy I mentioned above wouldn't stop calling me and texting me and put on a gentlemanly facade after I dismissed him but he had already shown his true colors by being rude rather than honoring my feelings.

No contact works in reclaiming power but whenever they come back, I don't want them anymore. lol We have to let go of them mentally and spiritually and make room for the men who really want us, not just the ones who will keep coming back and then disappear again.

-Lioness of the Sun; February 13, 2013 at 12:23 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,

I've been dating this guy for almost 6 months...and he disappeared on me without any warning (i think i started pursuing him a lil and was sharing too many emotions :(...i know better now, and I have been on NC for 2 weeks. Here's the thing, my friend need to have her husband's car ( a manual transmission) into some kind of storage or something of the sort to get the car shipped somewhere...she asked me if i knew someone who could help her do that since she doesn't know how to drive it and husband isn't around to do it himself. my ex is the only one i know who knows how to drive a manual transmission...should i text him to help my friend out or no? Am I going to blow it if I contact him? What do you think?; February 13, 2013 at 9:43 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm with Mirror on this one.
The women's lib movement was and is about freedom. Many of the younger ones I think do not realise there was a time when women could not vote, recieved far less pay for the same job a man did, and could be refused employment based on their marriage status. It's about human rights, on a basic level.

As far as sexual freedom goes yes, we got the pill which enabled women have a lot more choices in relationships in general.
I do know some women who are into the whole sex without commitment thing..and think it is being cool and liberated however they are all incredibly dependent on the men in their group to validate them as women by having sex with them. They have tied their self worth to the men's opinions of them in the guise of being "liberated".

The men we are discussing on this board in my opinion are a complete waste of time. The no contact and the advice given here is really good, because it enables us to distinguish between the genuine guy who may be shy, or not really know what to do..and the guy who is a self entitled, game playing asshole. No matter which way you play it, a selfish asshole is just that, and that won't change.

These game players are TAKERS. They have nothing to offer and that is why we spend time debriefing and getting our self esteem back.

A genuine guy who is interested and keen does not keep it a secret long. He knows he is lucky to be involved with you and he doesn't want anyone else to have you. He also wants to spend time with you.

These boy men are easy to spot once you know what to look for..my opinion is that we should cut our losses and avoid at all costs, whatever the chemistry etc. They are nothing but hard work and a waste of time and energy we could be putting into someone who appreciates us.

Toro Scorp; February 13, 2013 at 10:59 PM
virgochick said...: @SilentScream

Not sure, it's as though my gut feeling is I will in a few days. This is day 3 or 4 (not even counting lol) but that could be me hoping. :( I will update if I do hear anything.

I only unfriended when he said he couldn't do this its too hard and needs to sort himself out and cannot commit. Mind you I'd been in circles for months I was pissed off. The axing and silence is my way of saying, I dont need him. Its as though he just wanted to be friends which I cannot do. I also think if he sees me on fb and will know what I am up to, like MOA says, he may not actually think about me (whether he does or not is ok) id rather start paying my attention to someone else, hopefully someone better.

For me personally, it's just easier to start moving on I guess. I'm beginning to think of him less and less. Maybe when he is completely off my mind he will be back, or not, wasnt meant to be.

All I have heard is through mutual friends he has gone MEGA quiet. lol.

Happy Valentines day girls (from oz)xx; February 14, 2013 at 3:00 AM
virgochick said...: @SILENTSCREAM

"I unfriended mine before we even got to talking daily.I found myself peeking around looking at random girls comments-ITS A NO NO.I did it for myself as I thought I really didn't need to be doing that to myself.And i never looked back.All that does is stir more insecurity in you and anxiety"

YES. I had in view every time I checked (and I began to check too much for my own good) of pics he is liking, comments to girls, sometimes Id see him un-tag himself in something too little too late then all the questions were going through my head. It's really not nice feeling insecure and comparing yourself to others which is what I started doing.

I also did it because he played on my weakness, he'd think id never follow through with something like that and now I have, and since hearing he has reacted bit bad, well good. Im showing my own way he doesnt deserve me the way his is right now.; February 14, 2013 at 3:06 AM
Saggi said...: Dear Mirror,

Well, this afternoon I finally sent that message to Mr Helicopter Pilot, with a slight variation (as he had just got out of the military):

"Hey, how's the civilian? Sure, we can catch up over dinner or drinks one night, I know a great place we can go. Gimmie' a call sometime"

Yes - I waited 5 nights before I sent it. And do you know what, he sent me back a reply within five minutes! Here is what he said:

"Ya it's good I'm enjoying it... Little less money but waaayyy better environment and only four days a week so cant complain...Sounds good... New phone, message me your number. what you upto tonight?"

This was at 2.30pm, it's not 11pm and I still haven't replied.

Your advice has been brilliant. Thanks to your advice, he's gone from disappearing on me 3 months ago, then progressed to a random "merry xmas" message, then a "come sleep with me" message, to a "if you're ever keen to catch up let me know" message, to finally a "sounds good, new phone, message me your number, what you up to tonight" message.

So the big question now is, how should I respond!??

Many thanks,

Saggi; February 14, 2013 at 7:07 AM
Anonymous said...: MOA, ladies, you HAVE to read this blog post from a man named Most. It sums up the man's perspective perfectly. It's on http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/04/25/do-men-ever-step-up-without-a-womans-words-or-actions/#idc-container

This is what he writes:

"Here's the thing.

The average single guy has room in his life for almost every women he comes into contact with. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE -- especially if she's at least moderately good looking, at least moderately intelligent, and at least moderately fun to be around. If you're those things or better and we're single, we probably have room for you somewhere in our lives and we're probably going to try to incorporate you into our lives in some way shape or form. Why? Because a man can never have enough cool, attractive, smart, good looking female friends. It never gets old for us. Let me repeat that. IT NEVER GETS OLD.

This is why you can't expect there to be some higher standard that we step up to. Expecting us to just turn away moderately awesome women because we know we're not interested in anything serious with them is an exercise in futility. We're not turning away new, awesome female friends. It's just not happening. Instead we're going to rely on the alignment of your words and actions to indicate to us what role in our lives you're willing to accept and also what role in your life you're expecting us to fill. (to be continued); February 14, 2013 at 2:34 PM
Anonymous said...: (Continued, Mr Most quoted)
So if we feel like, "this is a friend and nothing more," that's what we're going to offer. If we feel like "this is an eff buddy and nothing more" that's what we're going to offer. If we feel like "this is a friend who I also want to sleep with sometimes" that's what we're going to offer. If we feel like "this could be my future wife" then that's what we're going to offer.

Now here's the part that so clutch. Sometimes, the only thing that separates the "friend who I also want to sleep with often" from the "future wife" is what that woman is willing to accept. It has nothing to do with OUR standards or stepping up or leading, or any of that hogwash. It has everything to do with how we perceive your standards and what that means to us, as men, reaching our full emotional potential.

Most men are emotionally lazy. Not because we want to be, but because society allows us to be. We can be emotionally lazy and still win, still get chicks, still run around and have all the sex we want and still be generally happy. But deep down inside, we really want to be great. We want to be overjoyed. We want to reach our full emotional potential. When you as a woman, are just fine with anything less then our very best, that tells our id that you're not the kind of woman that's going to push us to our full emotional potential. It's not about standards. Our unconscious mind tells us to offer low first because it knows that the woman who doesn't accept anything than our very best is the woman that will help us reach the kinda joy we secretly dream about.

So. Bottom line: Stop giving up the box. Be patient. Reserve enough of yourself to be willing to walk away until he makes it clear that he's not walking away.

That's my three sentence advice to all women.; February 14, 2013 at 2:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 13, 9:43PM,
No, no, no. Do not contact him and by all means, do not give him the impression that you're helpless in any way without him.

ESPECIALLY with the Valentine's holiday this week. He'll think this is all a ruse to see/contact him and he'll most likely act like a jerk about it (ego).; February 14, 2013 at 5:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggi,
You simply provide him with your number and tell him that you've been really busy lately but anytime he'd like to get together, let you know and you can make arrangements.

Drop that ball into his court and let him man up here and make a proper date.; February 14, 2013 at 5:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 14, 2:34PM,
That's an insightful piece from an emotionally mature, honest man. Well worth the read, ladies.

Here's what stood out to me, because this is something that I drive into women's heads repeatedly (although I tend to prefer the action portion a bit more than the words portion, but there is a subtle way to do both). YOU have to SET EXPECTATIONS (and boundaries) with a man, right UP FRONT, from day ONE:

"Expectations communicated through words and actions will forever be key."

1) Brief, non-emotional, matter-of-fact communication. . .

2) Combined with actions (namely no contact LOL)

Notice there's no talk of "emotion" there?

And this:

"Men are often promoted to the highest level of what they’re allowed to get away with."

So true. When women ask, "Why is he doing this to me?" The only answer (and regrettably the most hurtful one) to that is - BECAUSE YOU LET HIM.

"People don’t perform unless you require them to."

Proof - a man has to "prove" himself to you.

"And even then, sometimes they still don’t perform and you gotta drop ‘em from the team."

Walk away when a man fails to prove himself to you.

"You can’t make us do anything, but you can point us in the right direction. If we choose to go the other way, that’s on us."

Point them in the right direction with your actions (no contact signifies you do not accept their behavior). And you can't make someone love you or want a relationship with you.

"But apparently and for reasons I’ll never understand, many women believe men are responsible for periodically checking in and saying stuff like “You know I’m not looking for anything serious right? Right? You know what? Let me put this thing away. We’re not on the same page.” Yeah, that’s the noble thing to do…in a fantasy world where every guy looks like Idris and shares his feelings."

EXACTLY. When women come here and say things like, "I believe if you're nice to him, he should just say what he wants. He should just be able to tell me what he wants."

Yea, sure. But how many men actually do that? Hardly any, LOL, if at all. That's how WOMEN operate, that's what WOMEN do. You cannot expect a man to behave like a woman. You cannot project yourself onto men, you cannot expect men to think, act, communicate and behave as YOU do - because YOU'RE a woman and HE's a man. Two entirely different creatures.

"The power is in being able to say you did what you needed and that the other person wasn’t the right person. All you can control is the precedent you establish and the limits on what you’re willing to put up with. Stop trying to figure out why we won’t do what you want. Just do what’s best for yourself."

Amen brother, LOL ;-); February 14, 2013 at 6:16 PM
Alana said...: @Anon

Great article - thanks for sharing that with us!

-Alana; February 14, 2013 at 6:28 PM
Texan girl said...: Anonymous Feb. 14, 2:34PM and MOA-

Thanks very much for the piece and your response to it Mirror. It really empowered me. My taurus male continues with the texts without stepping up. Today, as most of my gfs predicted (and I also guessed), he sent me a happy vals day text. Instead of ignoring it, I responded with a thank you and here comes the bigger mistake (ugh), jokingly (or not) asked him if he was going out a hot date ha! He replied that he had no dates. Luckily,I haven't made any further mistakes and just ignored that text.

I need to learn to break free because even with NC, he is consumes my thoughts. His constant texting gives me hope that he may finally man-up and make a move. I guess I will never know if I keep on taking the bait and resurfacing with replies, even though I never initiate. I need to learn to ignore his texts until he says something meaningful/worthwhile. Looks like it's working for Saggi!

The journey of self-preservation continues; February 14, 2013 at 7:35 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Great article from the black man link above.

I have to say he's dead on, just as Ms. Mirror has been.

Update on Virgo: Maybe we women CAN lead these men towards being better men.

I last shared that I told Virgo I would not go out to see him, and then on Friday sent a text asking him NOT to respond, but I needed to tell him I was not a quitter. On Sunday he text, and we started chatting again.

He asked me again last night to fly out to see him, and, instead of just saying no, this time I told him that he would have to come out to see me again before I went out there. I honestly thought he'd baa-humbug, but he didn't.

He's looking at flights, we're looking at dates, and I'm feeling so fucking empowered and equal in the path we are travelling that I can't believe it.

Today, V-day, I was feeling sorry for myself because I didn't have a prince charming showering me with dozens of red roses, blaa, blaa, blaa, and when Virgo i-m'd me at work, instead of letting my emotions take over and act like a jerk to him, I did what Ms. Mirror has suggested to others. When Virgo asked what was wrong (because of my short non-descript answers), I just said, "working," like a guy would.

It worked. And it drove Virgo nuts. At one point, he i-m'd me with "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
LOL. I just responded after a bit with some ideas for us to do if he comes up.

I kept my emotions in tact, and when I got home, there was a V card in the mail for me from him. Now, consider, this is twisted tight, macho, don't show a sign of softness or weakness Virgo.

So he is trying.. because I am forcing him to make the choice. Either step up, or I'm gone.

When we talked tonight he asked, "Do I still need to come out there first before you'll come here?"

Yep. And then he blamed it on my "therapist." Shix, I haven't seen my wonderful therapist in over a year. I told him, "Nope, no therapist, this is all me." And then to give him something to think about, I said, "You were right." (Guys love to hear that from a woman). "You were right when you said before that I was too honest. (sticking it to him Ms. Mirror) I finally get what you meant. I used to give away too much information because I believed what men said to me. I'm not doing that anymore. A man is going to have to show me through his actions if he's a good man and worthy to have me."

And you know what I got back? "Ok, got it."

So, that man in that link listed above is right. We women need to set the standards of what we will accept. F all those old tapes we heard from our brothers and guy friends growing up about what they wanted in a girlfriend... that's what they "wanted," because it would be easy for them... lazy, lazy brothers. Our mother's raised some lazy men, while they hammered their daughters to work for what they wanted.

Well, sista's... You are wonderful, you are amazing, and you can set the standard of what you will accept from a man. A good man will step up; a bad boy will POOF! disappear, and move on to his next temporary interest.; February 14, 2013 at 8:50 PM
SilentScream said...: @ Sista'Taurus

Thank you for your kind words and giving me the confidence, encouragement, and courage to unfriend the negative people in my life. I know I need to let go...and be free...For some silly reason, I've always had a hard time letting go of these people in my life who I know I should because they bring hurt and pain to me (not only the current one-word guy but exes who've treated me badly). From now on, I need to focus on myself and love myself more. I think today being Valentine's Day would be a great day to get rid of all the negativity in my life (or on FB..lol). Thanks again for your encouragement, girl! Happy VDay to you and all the girls on here!; February 15, 2013 at 12:59 AM
SilentScream said...: @ virgochick

Yea...I too constantly beat myself up when I see mine post something to another girl or say something flirtatious...then my mind starts to be all over the place thinking if they have a thing going on, etc. It really drives me crazy and I know it is all self-inflicted because I let it happen by not unfriending him. Like I said before, maybe a part of me thinks that keeping him on FB still gives me some kind of hope between us. I guess I just have to realize and accept the fact that if things were meant to be, it will happen...even if we weren't friends on FB. =); February 15, 2013 at 1:08 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Dear Moa,update on my Sag trivia.Remember his one/two word attempts last Saturday and Sunday?Yes well,I haven't heard since and don't know what hit me this morning but I INITIATED a convo.Don't be disappointed.You said to wait for several attempts but my thought process here was as follows:

1.Up until 4 weeks ago we were fine,until i pushed and nagged and made a mess of myself and deleted him impulsively.The time off was needed for me to regain my control(self control in check now)

2.He did not like my behaviour and made it clear when i re-established contact and we both agreed to re-start the whole thing,yet he did not follow through with actions,in fact he kept me at arm's length in one convo i initiated that week(LAZY,EXPECTS ME TO DO THE WORK NOW),SO I WENT NC on his ass

3.After a week of NC-he came around with those 2 lame attempts

4.I ignored him BUT..and here comes the but and insecurity.I felt like it was ok for me to sort of reply to his attempt because he definitely may feel insecure now,e.g.i may not like him anymore,am over him,etc(he always initiated contact in the past,we always had full blown convos,he knows i have a busy life and am wanted by many men,the sex we had where he actually missed performing).I thought of all these factors together and I thought it would be ok for me to reach out to him with a simple hello,short,keep in touch kind of stance(just to re-assure him cause i feel like in THIS CASE,he might need it)

SO the convo this morning developed like this:

ME:hey you
Him(5 mins later):hey
Me:how r u
Him(immediately)i'm fine how r u
Me:fine as well,thank u,busy and living,long time no speal
Him:yea..
Me:glad to see you're well,have a beautiful day
Him:Thank you,you too

Now,this is the most awkward we've ever been in a convo.Normally there's be enthusiasm and excitement and playful love being thrown around.

I just felt like maybe he needed this push and i feel like his confusion and insecurity shows through the succinct answers.

Keep in mind,he's 20,never had any long term relationships and he's all about his athletic career.Me being much older and wiser,I thought,what the hell..

But I wanted to run this with you and see YOUR thoughts here.I will definitely do no more initiating.I gave him a push,now he needs to react.; February 15, 2013 at 8:07 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

I do need your black and white vision here cause my Gemini moon and Venus and Aries mercury are hard to deal with at times.His Mercury is in Scorpio..well lucky me,won't get more than 2 words attempts I bet,LOL.And he's so full of Cancer and Capricorn,it just dissolves his Sag spontaneity.He's calm and collected,I wish he would pop!; February 15, 2013 at 8:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Well, you let fear and insecurity steer the wheel there and you attempted to nudge him along. That won't work, dear. A man needs to do the thinking and reach his conclusions in his own time. Men do not move at the speed that women do.

And he was quite and succinct in his responses because - he's right in the middle of that process - and then you come along and knock on the door, LOL.

He's not there yet honey. And you need to focus on you and not worry about what he needs right now. You don't need to remind a man that you exist. He needs to go through this process, he needs time to think and he needs time to process his feelings. Tapping him during that process will only confuse him and set things back a bit.

No contact takes months to truly work. It requires a month or more and patience. Gemini50 can tell you that. She started working the no contact angle well over a month ago and she's just now starting to see results.

Patience dear. Patience :-); February 15, 2013 at 9:12 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

I'm such a whimp,I pulled the rug under my own feet.I could scream,I'm so angry at myself.

I blame it on the moon being back in our sign today.Darn Taurus moon!I made 3 steps forward and 2 back. :( sighh
It's also my day off and apparently I get fidgety,typical Gemini compulsion.All I can hope now is that I havent set everything too much back.But I'll tie my hands together before I make any other attempt.

Patience huh?Shouldn't it come easier for us Taurus folks?

Back to NC.No man's land here.I feel pathetic

@Gemini50

I command you for the restraint you show with your Virgo.I'm watching and learning..; February 15, 2013 at 9:42 AM
Anonymous said...: That is a good article on singleblackmale.org. It hits home on the fact that yes men can only do what you allow. Instead of blaming them and playing victim, make the choice to stay, go or platonic friendzone him. lol I've started telling some "I don't know what I want right now" dudes who have at least shown consistency in staying touch that we can be friends but I'm not dating them. Meaning platonic acquaintance-ship. It depends on the circumstances since I will often cut them off entirely

Defining boundaries is important. I’ve had men act like boyfriends taking it all the way who just saw it as dating. I’ve had men do what dating looks like to me while they just saw it as being friends, even though they kissed me and were hoping to sleep with me. At the time I played victim to these, but I see now you can use these things to your advantage instead of playing victim! be like "wow this dude is acting like my bf but he hasn't asked for commitment so let me treat him as a just a date and keep my options open", etc. But of course if the guy posing as your bf is just taking up too much time for you to explore other options, dump him or lessen the time you spend with him. Then he will likely see a need to step up if he does really want you. When I recently found out a guy wanted to be “friends” (with benefits?) after he kissed me, I had to tell him for me the kiss felt fine at the time but I don’t kiss my friends. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him as a serious relationship candidate yet, but I noticed he took awhile to get back in touch with me and didn't follow up with a call and that's why I spoke to him about this. whether or not he’s cool with that boundary of mine is up to him. I’m fine either way. And he has stayed in touch as a friend. He's a nice dude and makes a good acquaintance, I just knew I wasn't going to be the woman he tried to figure things out with and be so accessible to him. I've placed myself in that situation far too many times and it only made me feel bad about myself.

I think if we can manage to not invest ourselves before a man has showed his intentions, it will save a lot of heartache. And make it a boundary for yourself that for example, you can't take a guy seriously as a date prospect if he's only texting you (if you do want him to call..I mean a lot of women seem to be anti-phone these days too, which is another subject in itself). Don't be so available by texting him throughout the day. It's the only way they will really get that they have to call you sometimes...just telling him won't work. Otherwise he won't see a reason to "step up". Our power is lies in inspiring men and making choices for ourselves, not trying to control them. I also use every interaction I have with men as a learning experience in some way. Dating this way has made it fun rather than feeling like a mission to "find the one"

-Lioness of the Sun; February 15, 2013 at 11:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror!
Thanks again for your kind insight. Yes, maybe I am settling or, rather, trying to. I am 47 and single, so you can imagine I have never been good at settling.

I´ve been thinking about my situation with this man and I´ve finally decided to give it a chance. The main reason I´ve come to this conclusion is that, unfortunately, he´s been the only one in a long time I´ve been able to date. Another, more important reason is that he has apologized for his inappropriate behaviour and wants to give me the present. Yes, I know, it´s late, but actually he hasn´t had a chance to do it sooner due to my partial NC. He wants to correct his mistake, so I´ve decided to allow him to do it.He hasn´t apologized for leaving me in the woods, though, but perhaps he will when we meet, who knows? He has been sending me texts repeatedly asking me for a meeting. He also sent me a happy Valentine text yesterday. So I thanked him and finally agreed to meet him next week.

I´ve been reading all your advice and a question has come to my mind. If the man is testing you and you know it, what should you do right away, right in that particular situation, to show him that you are not interested in game playing? I have realized that some men want to be better men but they are so used to playing with women that they don´t even know how to behave like gentlemen. Nobody has ever taught it to them and the women they´d met didn´t require it from them.I understand that NC is the best method to teach the man a lesson, I have tried it myself and it has worked womderfully. But as you say it is necessary only when the man is very disrespectful or disappears on the woman. So what about cases where in everyday communication he is slightly disrespectful? It may seem that he is joking but in reality he is testing how much the woman can bear and tolerate. I never know what to say to put him in place when he starts testing me. Shall I say something similar to what he has said to pay him back? But I myself don´t want to be impolite, I´d like to be myself, a nice person. When he says something inappropriate I just start thinking what to say and either don´t reply at all or, in worse scenarios I get angry and show emotions. So my question is "How to treat a man in everyday communication when everything is going smootly and out of a sudden he starts playing those silly games?

Thanks very much, my new name is HopefulWithMen; February 15, 2013 at 1:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh and I did recently have a guy reappear with a "hey happy new year, how are things?" text. Crickets were chirping haha...and the following day I received a call from a landline number that might have been him since it was the same area code. The short backstory is a few months ago he left me hanging after asking I'd be up for lunch and then disappearing. in any circumstances not following through with plans, I mean that's a total deal breaker. I'm certain he was playing to see if I'd contact him about lunch and trying to get me to chase him. I think he's a player and insecure. The fact he had the nerve to show up with a lame text after that is ridiculous. But all I can do is be off his radar for good (and drive his mind nuts. lol)

-Lioness of the Sun; February 15, 2013 at 5:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
LOL, don't beat yourself up here. This is how you learn, it's all part of the process and no one here is judging you for it, so don't worry about that silly stuff.

If you learn a valuable lesson from it - then it was worth it. That's how I look at those things. All part of the self-improvement process and mistakes come with the territory.

Besides, it's not like it's the end of the world here. The Earth didn't crack in half and shake us all off like a bad case of fleas because you text some guy, LOL.

Chalk it up to experience, have a laugh over it (it's always good to have a sense of humor about yourself) and fight the good fight sista'.

Tomorrow's another day - and unfortunately, he'll still be there LOLOLOLOL ;-); February 15, 2013 at 6:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
"If the man is testing you and you know it, what should you do right away, right in that particular situation, to show him that you are not interested in game playing?"

Nothing. Don't fall prey to it and don't REACT to it - at all. Do NOTHING. Because it's the REACTION they are waiting for. When you don't react, that tells the man you're too smart to fall for it and that you won't play along (i.e. tolerate it).

"So what about cases where in everyday communication he is slightly disrespectful?"

You still use it, but in short bursts. For instance, a woman in this thread just recently encountered this. Her name is Lonnie. She had a man, a good man actually, get sexual with her too soon in a text. She never responded to that text and she didn't contact him afterwards.

So what'd he do?

He text her shortly after and apologized and told her he thought about what he had done and that it was wrong and too early for that.

"Shall I say something similar to what he has said to pay him back?"

Nope. You simply don't respond. You don't react to it at all. You don't laugh, you don't get upset, you don't do a thing. You sit silent and you let that silence make him feel awkward. Men know exactly what that means and a gentlemen, when faced with awkward silence, will immediately rectify the situation, as the gentlemen Lonnie is dealing with had done.

"But I myself don´t want to be impolite, I´d like to be myself, a nice person."

Don't confuse standing up for yourself with being ignorant. Those are two entirely different things. Being ignorant is being mean - with the INTENTION to be mean, to be malicious. If you have to stand up for yourself, you're intention isn't to be mean - it's simply to stand up for yourself. And standing up for yourself is not mean - it's actually being kind to yourself.

If you're too nice or you're not comfortable standing up for yourself, I swear, men can smell that on a woman - and they'll push you over, they'll treat you like a doormat and a pushover.

Men will treat you in the very manner that you PERMIT them to treat you. I think you need to read this piece that was shared here yesterday, written by a man, where he advises women to set BOUNDARIES with men - set EXPECTATIONS as to how you expect to be treated. If you don't do that, if you don't stand up for yourself - they will run you over - because YOU PERMITTED them to do so:

http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/04/25/do-men-ever-step-up-without-a-womans-words-or-actions

Get comfortable standing up for yourself and don't confuse that with being mean.

"How to treat a man in everyday communication when everything is going smootly and out of a sudden he starts playing those silly games?"

You deliver consequences for his behavior. If he behaves inappropriately, he does not get to see you, speak to you (no contact) or have access to you.

Instead, he receives consequences for his actions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; February 15, 2013 at 6:55 PM
AnonWoman said...: Gemini50,

Just read your latest Valentine's Day card / Virgo story. And your evolvement. Nice work. I'm liking your progression and I can see you're getting happier and stronger and feeling more worthy and desirable, as you walk through the fire to come out to a sweeter place in the end, hopefully.; February 15, 2013 at 8:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, you said that a man knows when he screwed up, and that NC will help him realize and go through the necessary thought process to come to the conclusion that... yes, he messed up.

But I've been thinking lately....how does a man know it's something he DID (especially if it's not that clear cut), and not that you're just not interested anymore - if you don't verbalize (in a non-emotional manner) what's bothering you and simply go NC?

Or is it that after a period of NC, it's fine to tell him IF he asks what's wrong?

Because I recall in one of your comments somewhere, you advised pretending that there was nothing wrong, staying carefree, and keep flipping it back onto the guy.

It has been 2 months and 21 days of NC with Libra Guy. His previous attempt was 22 days ago.

I'm wondering if I should break it - and send short messages like nothing's wrong, because I don't know whether continuing to NC will make him realize that 1) he was wrong to ignore me for 8 days and send a lame short text and 2) if he wants to hear back from me, he should write more - i.e. longer sentences.

I just wanted him to experience the consequences. But... what if at this point he just thinks, "Hmmm perhaps Vivian is ignoring me because she has a new man in her life" or "Maybe she's just not interested in me and moved on."

(Btw, Libra Guy doesn't know that I know he has a gf. I NC'ed him before they became official.)

I'm questioning if it is better to resurface, and tell him (only if he asks) why I disappeared for so long (of course I will be mindful to keep emotions out of it), so he knows where he went wrong. Or simply say I've been so busy with work/family etc.

There's another guy who was looking for me on the dating site again after 4 months of NC-ing me (we ended our last conversation with me being angry at him, and him disappointed in himself), so I know I'm still on his mind.

So, maybe I should continue ignoring Libra Guy for 4 months, and see if he attempts again?

Even though I feel on some level it really still is about winning, I have been missing him and the times we spent together.

What do you advise, mirror? Steer clear from this train wreck?

The heart does such stupid things, lol.

- Vivian; February 16, 2013 at 2:52 AM
virgochick said...: OK girls, so deleted him from fb and been NC since I think monday.

It's saturday night. He dumped me on Monday, now he calls my phone. My heart was pounding million miles an hour but I didn't pick up. Then I get a text after failed attempt
"Hey I hope youre ok I miss you lots wish you would talk to me"

I dont want to answer, how long and what do I say? I am freaking out now, its working, thats amazing but I am worried about whats to come. Whyyyyy just when I was getting way over it all. I went out last night met some guys had a blast now this... So YES they come back.

Now unless he says he wants to be with me and made a mistake blah blah Im not giving in. How do i go about this; February 16, 2013 at 6:52 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ SistaTaurus, AnonWoman and Ms. Mirror and ALL,

I had said in one comment to Ms. Mirror that, looking back, I thought I had been the lazy one. Ms. Mirror's response was an encouraging, No, I was rather being the male force in the past.

I think we are both right. It is f'n WORK protecting yourself. It's a whole lot easier (and short sighted) to just run with your needs and emotions because it makes us feel good at the moment. Even when we are pissed or hurt or a fucking mess (or lonely or we want to move things along faster with a man), when we let it out on whoever we think deserves it, we feel better (for a short time).

But to every action there is a reaction.

Believe me, the stuff going on with Virgo is driving me f'n nuts. I do believe he is a GOOD Man. A very GOOD man. He served his country 30+ yrs, he is a great father, dedicated to his work and employees, doesn't take from others, a real man's man, etc. We wouldn't have been friends for so long if I didn't see all this and think he was a good man.

I don't have the knowledge of signs like you all do: Moons rising, Suns setting, Who's in who's house... lol, and I chuckle at your little noodles towards Gemini screwing up your world SistaTaurus, but from reading Sextrology and Ms. Mirror's comments, Virgo has those dark stabbing traights that can be so hurtful to me. He also has baggage from his marriage, that pops it's head up once in awhile and affects his current behavior.

What I have learned from Ms. Mirror's comments to me, the stories I have read from others, and Ms. Mirror's advise in return, is that instead of worrying about him and his reasons for his behavior, I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF FIRST.

On V-Day, after I initiated a text (I don't initiate anymore...) and thanked Virgo for his card, he EXPECTED me to call him. And actually text, "Well, you gonna call?"

I felt uneasy about this, I didn't want to initiate the call... but I'm still learning and practicing so I gave him this one, and it went well.

Take a few steps back: Last week, I helped my granddaughter do her Valentines cards for school, and decided to send these little kiddie cards out to friends as well. I thought it would be fun, and cute, and I'm still getting reactions (I didn't sign them).

Virgo got his Friday, and I did something different by sending it to his work. He loved it -- his employees wanted to know who he knew in XX state. lol

He sent me an i-m, saying he liked the surprise, etc. And I heard NOTHING more from him the whole day or last night. SWITCHEROO behavior. So, now I'm thinking: I called last night, he got the card today -- he's feeling like he's in the driver's seat here.

Now, I could have called (chased) him last night, reacted in i-m's to him yesterday, etc., but you know what that would have done? I would have handed over control of my life on a silver platter -- it's not about him, or the relationship, it's about me and what I want. It's a choice ladies -- a fucking hard choice. But we make it, everyday, every moment, every fucking breath: We choose the treatment we allow in our life.

Some of us (ME, even at 50) do not have the tools to identify bad men. In the past, I have learned the hard way. Think about it. How many chances do you give guys to hurt you over and over again because, if you were given another chance, YOU wouldn't blow it.

MEN are not WOMEN. They do not think like us. We do not think like them. We need to play this game of life to win by identifying and protecting ourselves from bad people. And the only way to identify them (I am learning with you all now) is to set standards.

And if that means keeping our mouths shut and watching and making someone prove themself, then that's what we do.

Do you want to settle for crappy treatment, or not? It's up to you.

Continued...; February 16, 2013 at 7:31 AM
Gemini 50 said...: More to All,

This thing with Scorpio is killing me. This man rocked my world. I felt so comfortable with him, I loooooooved being with him, I eventually fell for him. (And I did not think he was my type at all when I first agreed to go out with him.) But I don't know if he is a Good Man or a bad boy. I want to believe he is a good man, because that is EASY for me... but he could very well be a bad boy.

I could very easily go to where he works and pretend I wasn't there to check up on him, to get him to SEE me, etc. But why?

I could tell myself that he's just intimidated by me and he is "afraid" to contact me after I told him I was mad at him in a text in December for his behavior. But you know what? I'd be lying to myself.

If he wanted me, he'd act on it. His actions of not contacting me demonstrates his choice, and I have to accept it. And, please believe me, I am not saying that with ease -- it's killing me -- it's work! I hurt, I miss him, I miss him terribly sometimes, but sometimes we fall for the wrong person and fall for people who are not good for us. Believe me, there are things about him that were not good... red flags... but I saw things in him that turned me into the moth to his flame... dangerous, but too beautiful not to want to touch.

And I think he knows that, and sometimes I feel him (sometimes I smell his smoking -- but in only my bedroom - but it has happened less and less lately) and feel he has POOFED! to protect me.

If he comes back around, then I'll deal with it. But I will be damned if I will lower myself by chasing him which will boost his ego and give him all the cards.

Oh, look, Bigfoot sighting! Virgo txt me while I was typing this... it would be easy for me to jump on his txt and respond. But, then he won't wonder where I am, why haven't I responded, he wouldn't MISS me, and Ms. Mirror has taught us that missing = love to men.

It's not a game ladies, it's working at taking care of yourself in a language that men understand.

HUGS!; February 16, 2013 at 8:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
"But I've been thinking lately....how does a man know it's something he DID (especially if it's not that clear cut), and not that you're just not interested anymore - if you don't verbalize (in a non-emotional manner) what's bothering you and simply go NC?"

Because men know when they've screwed up and they are also able too relate the time table involved. Meaning, "this" started to happen right after "this" occurred - and they're able to piece it together in that manner. They're not stupid by any means.

A prime example of that is in Lonnie's story here. Where the man sent an inappropriate sexual text and got no response from her. Shortly afterwards, and without her saying one word, he apologized. He reached the conclusion himself that it was his action that generated her response.

When men have the time and space to think about things, they will start to do what women do, "Maybe it was because I did this." Or, "Things got bad right after I did this." And they whittle it down in that manner through the thought process.

And even if they're unsure as to EXACTLY what it was, a genuinely interested man will still turn around and contact the woman to open up a discussion about the matter as in, "I think I may have upset you when I did this. Was that the case?" Or, "Was it because I did this that you're upset." A man that is genuinely interested will return to find out the reason.

"Or is it that after a period of NC, it's fine to tell him IF he asks what's wrong?"

Exactly. After he returns to find out what's wrong and he's showed a genuine interest, he will attempt to open up a discussion about it (and you use short, brief, non-emotional communication during that discussion). And that's when you talk, much like Gemini50 is doing here with her Virgo man.

"Because I recall in one of your comments somewhere, you advised pretending that there was nothing wrong, staying carefree, and keep flipping it back onto the guy."

That's if he hasn't yet figured out that there's something wrong or given proper thought to the fact that there IS something wrong. You flip it back on him to force him into the thought process, to begin the thought process that will ultimately lead him to open up a discussion about it as in, "I've noticed somethings wrong. Did I do something wrong?"

Cont . . .; February 16, 2013 at 11:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: But you only actually HOLD that discussion once he's had plenty of time to think and made plenty of attempts to communicate. As Gemini50 has done with her Virgo male. If you do this too soon before he's had plenty of time to think, then he may not realize exactly what went wrong.

"I'm wondering if I should break it - and send short messages like nothing's wrong."

Well, that's the improper use of no contact. Because the point of NC is to ferret out a man's level of interest. A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out, and he'll make repeated attempts to do so, much like Gemini50's Virgo man has done.

A man that only makes one or two lame attempts is only half interested - in which case - you have your answer dear :-(

Why beat your head against the wall attempting to garner the attention of a man that's only half interested? It's a fruitless effort. The point of NC in many cases is to gauge the level of the man's interest. And if he's not interested, there's nothing you can do that will change that.

"I just wanted him to experience the consequences."

He already has, via NC.

"What if at this point he just thinks, "Hmmm perhaps Vivian is ignoring me because she has a new man in her life" or "Maybe she's just not interested in me and moved on."

A man that is genuinely interested will still return to try to receive a firm answer on that. A man that is genuinely interested will attempt to "win" the woman over.

"I'm questioning if it is better to resurface, and tell him (only if he asks) why I disappeared for so long (of course I will be mindful to keep emotions out of it), so he knows where he went wrong."

You can do that if you like, you have free will here. But why bother to explain yourself to someone that doesn't care and isn't asking for an explanation? You risk being rejected or making a fool out of yourself when you offer up explanations to someone that isn't even asking for them :-(

"So, maybe I should continue ignoring Libra Guy for 4 months, and see if he attempts again?"

Eventually dear, you're simply going to have to accept the fact that he's not interested at this time :-(

"What do you advise, mirror?"

Honestly, and I know you don't want to hear this, but honestly, my advise is to please consider accepting the fact that this man simply isn't interested at this point in time :-(; February 16, 2013 at 11:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoChick,
If it's only been since Monday that you've been broken up, that's only 5 days.

I don't think it's ever wise to respond to a man's first attempt. The better thing to do is to be non-responsive until he begins to make repeated attempts and shows he's genuinely interested and expresses a desire to make things right.; February 16, 2013 at 11:15 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Brilliant my dear. You're well on your path.

Ladies, the path towards self-improvement, self-awareness is NOT an easy one.

If it was, everyone on this planet would be self-aware, well adjusted, strong individuals. And that's simply not the case.

The road is fraught with danger, fear, feelings of self-doubt - but if you stay the course and hold fast to the path, the road you're following - when you reach the end . . . you will have found yourself ;-); February 16, 2013 at 11:23 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, thanks very much for your in-depth reply. Yes, I agree with everything you say. I´ve also read the recommended posts.

I understand the whole dating thing much better now. It´s really an art and the woman plays 50% of the game, so she is responsible for 50% of its success. And I believe many men would like to step up but the woman must inspire them to. E.g. in one conversation we had, this man even told me that he doesn´t respect women who are ready to sleep with him too soon, without expecting any effort on his side. I am not sure if he just wanted to boast but he said that he´d met quite a few women through a dating site who were willing to go to bed with him after the very first date. So in other words, he as a man told me, a woman, to respect myself in the first place. From this perspective I must admit that I caused myself quite a lot of suffering in the past. Now, equipped with all the information, I am going to use this man as an experiment specimen to practise all my knowledge on.(-: Thanks again for all your help and I´ll inform you how it goes. And if it doesn´t work, at least I will walk away from it with my self-esteem untouched.
HopefulWithMen; February 16, 2013 at 12:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror:

I posted the other day and since I don't see it, I'll try again with the hopes of your helpful counsel.

I met a man in January and he has extended to me an open invitation to his place after only knowing me three weeks. He lives out of state. Two weeks ago he gave me his Amex to pay for me to come to his place and we had a really good time together. When I arrived, he had prepared lunch for me with White Wine and later he cooked dinner for me that evening - constantly showing affection towards me. He treated me like a Queen. After dinner we watched a movie together and later became intimate. After the intimacy, I put on hi shirt that he wore to work that day as a surprise and he loved it on me. He kissed me before saying goodbye when he left for work the next morning. Though this is feeling like a relationship, I don't want to assume anything - although he has told me that this is all up to me and my choice as to where this goes and he can't do it alone. He holds a high position with a Fortune 500 company and his job is VERY demanding and stressful. We communicate via texting almost daily which I don't particularly care for, but his job demands verbal communication which is why I think he doesn't talk much on the phone. I observed this when we're together. He speaks to his colleagues no more than 5 minutes or so and he's off. We do speak occasionally via phone but I'd like it more frequently and since we've known each other in a months time, I've called him 3 times - one of which was to find out where I should meet him when I arrived and he was right there. I allow him to initiate the calls because I don't want to disturb him. He's very involved with the stock market as a Financial Advisor just to give you an idea of the stress. As I was packing to come back home, he gave me the shirt I was wearing of his. He said he wanted me to have it. I learned later after telling him I was sleeping in it, this was his reason for giving it to me to feel close to him when we were apart and he said he would love to have something of mine. This dating thing is all new for me, it's only been a year and I have had some experiences. I've learned a lot about men but mainly myself. I don't want to be assuming with this man though I do like him. I am attracted to the brilliance of his mind. I'm just wondering is this normal for a man to give you his credit card number after knowing him three weeks, leave you in his house alone on the first visit with credit cards and jewelry in the open, cook lunch and dinner for you and give you his shirt to remember him? Is he someone I should consider who is seriously interested in me? He says he can't wait to see me again and I feel the same.; February 16, 2013 at 12:48 PM
SilentScream said...: MOA,

I'm confused and need your advice again...I wrote to you about my story when I first posted on January 14, 2013 @ 4:08PM, about the Taurus guy I met online. Well, lately...we've had a couple of texts back and forth...very normal friendly 'how are you?' stuff, talking about the Superbowl, TV shows, etc. I hear a change in his texts though (if that's even possible) that he's avoiding any texts with sexual innuendos like he used to always resort to, trying to be flirtatious. Don't get me wrong, I never liked the direction it was going when he was texting me msgs with sexual innuendos to them...but that was so him. Just an observation on my part that I sense some change in the tone of his texts. I don't know if he has started dating someone else or has lost interest in me or what. However, he is still friendly.

I guess my confusion is where do I go from here? This all started out wrong because I foolishly slept with him on the second date...and after he came back from his year-end vacation, he didn't follow through with coming to me and meeting up, like he said he would before he left on his vacation. Yet, every 2-3 weeks he would reach out with a short text, as if to give me a poke to see if he gets a response or to see if I'm still around (for him). We are on friendly terms and all...but I also find myself slowly becoming friends with him, which I don't mind since he is a good person...but that is not where I want this to go since I met him on a dating website. I still like him and still hope that he would ask me out and pursue me.

At this point, should I give it a last shot to see if he is still interested in a romantic way by unfriending him on FB and totally disappearing on him with NC? I've been so tempted to bring up meeting up or tease him about not following through with his words of coming to see me, but I always scare myself away from it because I don't want to receive nothing as a response or if I do receive a response, it's another excuse to put it off, which would definitely make me feel worse and sound desperate.

What do you think is going on here? And how can I test out if he is still romantically interested yet still being able to keep him as a friend afterwards? Or is that just a silly thought? I'm just totally confused with what I should do here...so please help and give me some advice. Thanks.; February 16, 2013 at 2:12 PM
SilentScream said...: Con't

It would definitely confuse the heck out of him if I unfriended him now and not return any of his texts, especially after the recent friendly texts exchanges. Or maybe that's what it takes to turn things around?

Argh...why is this love thing so hard?!? =(; February 16, 2013 at 2:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Awesome topic and I can really relate. I hope you can help me with my "problem". I accepted a temp position at a company earlier in the fall. It was a job where if I did well enough it would translate into a full time opportunity(which I needed because I had been unemployed for 1.5 years). The only downfall was the "pay". The first day I accepted this job I met a coworker. From day one, he made it clear he was attracted to me and interested in getting to know me. Being that I had just gotten out of an LTR I wasn't interested in him. I figured his interest would wane after a few days so I paid him no mind. But his interest in me continued. He brought me flowers one day. He pushed his phone number on me(handed it to me on the back of a business card on my FIRST day) and when I didn't call him, he seemed "hurt". He was always complimenting me, flirting with me(tripping me) saying awkward things, etc. By the end of my second week EVERYONE at the workplace knew he liked me. And because I liked his attention I eventually gave him my phone number. He told me he would call me and he did the following day. I didn't answer so he sent me a text. And then from there the pursuing really kicked off. He would text me almost everyday, call me often, etc. I was always very short and curt with my responses and didn't pay him much mind(again I wasn't that interested). He was constantly asking me out on dates. But eventually his heavy pursuing paid off. One day I woke up and realized I might like him. And by the time I did realize this, he started to think that I DIDN'T like him and so I decided to be upfront and tell him how I felt. And then we both started contacting each other--but still with him doing the most of the contact. However a job that I had applied to months before, out of state, contacted me for an interview and I went through the interview process and eventually got offered the job. I went ahead and decided to accept the offer, because it paid well, and would help propel my career. Meanwhile things were still going well between me and him--we were talking a lot at work, getting to know each other, flirting with each other. At times he seemed awkward around me--like he wasn't that confident, and then there were other times where we seemed more confident. All in all I KNEW that he liked me and he sort of knew that I liked him. We still hasn't went on a date(I kept rejecting it lol due to business). The day I told him about the new job, he sounded sort of disappointed. But I didn't think that we should stop talking, but I guess he did. Because soon he stop texting me as much, calling me as much, etc. So because I felt like I made an awesome connection with him, I decided to just pursue him(let him know I was really feeling him even though I was moving soon). It soon turned into me calling and texting him a lot, ME asking him if we can hang out once or twice before I move, etc. He would still text every now and then, but it was obvious I had become the pursuer.; February 16, 2013 at 2:27 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

"Besides, it's not like it's the end of the world here. The Earth didn't crack in half and shake us all off like a bad case of fleas because you text some guy, LOL.
"

I literally spilled the food out my mouth laughing@the earth didnt crack in half comment.Made my day!It is funny how us women internalize everything to the point it feels like a mini tragedy.Eh..live and learn.

Yesterday I was going bonkers,plotting in my head,what I would say,when,if,how,down do the outfit I'd wear and how I'd wave my hair,like a tidal force.."LOOK AT ME,YOU MOTHA-f".Hilarious,I had a mini Oscar winning speech playing out in my head.(I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE DOING THIS-LOL)

Then I gave up sulking.And I was online and clicked on smth by accident and it opened this blog by the name of ''Good things come to those who wait''.I took it as a sign from the universe and tucked in and called it a day..LOL

Just thought I'd share my mini drama with you and the other ladies here.It's hard but it's not impossible.Good luck to you all!; February 16, 2013 at 2:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Post continued: He would sometimes respond to my texts, and sometimes would not. But still was heavily flirting with me at work. Always telling me he wished I would stay and not move, etc. He did agree that he did want to go on at least one date before I moved. But everytime I would ask him if he wanted to hang out he would say yes, but then something would come up. Eventually we went on the date, things went well. He seemed really into me(but nervous). After the date, he said he wanted to go on another one. But since I was moving within the week, we were both time constrained. Still when I had free time, I did try to get him to hang out with me, but it seemed as if he wasn't making it a 'priority' any longer. The day before I moved I let him know how I felt and that I was disappointed that he had blown me off a few times and didn't want to hang out, etc, I also did admit to him that I was interested in a casual sexual relationship at some point with him. He told me he liked me a lot as well, and was sorry, and was not meaning to hurt me or blow me off. He said it wasn't about sex with him, but of course he would love to have sex with me and that he'd like to be "more than friends" even with me moving. Once I moved, we still were talking as much as we could--I'd say it was equal contact on both of our parts. WE had agreed that he would come up once I was settled at my job and new place and visit me. I admit we were sexting and talking dirty to each other. And we both were honest that we wanted to have sex with each other, but also wanted more. Things were going good between us. And I never once felt like he wasn't into me(even when we were sexting). However he got a job promotion, and within a week of starting his "new" role, all of the sudden the communication from him stopped. He was no longer sending me text, calling me, etc. I called him on it. And he apologized and said he had been busy at work but that he would start back calling etc. And he did at first, but then fell off again... And I let it slide, and continued being the main one initiating things. He usually would respond of course, but there were times when he wouldn't respond. I got sick of it. And once again called him on it. He apologized again and then again made an effort, but it was short-lived AGAIN. Then I finally started to feel like "okay maybe he's either met someone" or "maybe he doesn't want to do the long distance" or "maybe he just really IS busy". So I let him know that it would be okay with me if we just stopped talking since it seemed like he wasn't interested. And he immediately told me "no" he was interested, that he only wants me, that he really likes me and doens't wnat to stop talking and that he thinks about me all the time, and that I should trust him when he says that of course he wants me, but he's just been busy and he's sorry and he know he hasn't been there like he should be, etc. And then once again he was back to calling and texting. And that went on for about a week and a half. And then finally it stopped again. I called him out on it ONE more time. And he didn't really respond to me calling him out with an explanation like he normally does, BUT on the same token he did call me, text me, etc. There was one week too, where I did not contact him all week, and he finally contacted me and said "where have you been babe?" and I made the mistake of engaging him in a conversation. And then after a couple of days of communication between us it died off again. And the last time we spoke was last Saturday evening. I read your article(ironically) around that time and decided that doing 30 days of NC may be appropriate. However I'm not sure... What do you think? Is it a lost cause? I really like this dude, but I want him to pursue me like he used to. Should I do NC?
Signed LOST girl; February 16, 2013 at 2:39 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Gemini50

You are such a sweet lady,I love reading your comments and I love to see you so empowered.I think at the end of the day,you've learnt to put yourself first and not let a guy's actions dictate your life nor your emotions control your reactions.That's the most valuable gift you could ever give yourself-your self worth back.You learning to love you,the love affair you do not want to ever end.

Just hold on to that,discover and develop your strengths further.We forget too often to look within,at the treasures that lie dormant within ourselves.

This blog to me is vital these days.And long after this guy,i'll keep returning here to learn.This is an oasis of wisdom and love,delivered to us freely,purely from the kindness and love of our dear Mirror of APHRODITE's heart.Thank you!

P.S.No news from Scorpio?I totally relate to you saying how much you loved being around him,how comfortable and at ease you felt.Felt like coming home,didn't it?I'm going through the same shit.Most days I'm consumed with the thought of 'if i felt so connected and welcomed,he must have felt it too,so why the F won't he react on it!!'?Well,because he's a MAN and thats my only consolation.That,and him going nuts and missing me cause i'm NC and all that fantasy..lol; February 16, 2013 at 2:41 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

I have a question.Gee,don't I,everyday?Lol..I hope you're not tired of seeing me all over your blog everyday,MOA.

Do you have insecurities?If so,how do you deal with them?I'm sure everyone functions differently but since I look up to you,I'd like to know your step by step approach.And I refer to all kinds of insecurities.

Thank you in advance!; February 16, 2013 at 5:43 PM
virgochick said...: He blew up my phone last night lol. He kept ringing and ringing. He would send texts saying "cmon I just want to talk please dont cut me off" and "youre just going to ignore me?" I think he rang my phone about 12 times.

He was also contacting a mutual friend of mine also telling him he has "f'd up real bad and he took me for granted and he is freaked out that I just cut him out of my life"

I eventually answered with "what".

We talked for 3 hours on the phone. He said he is sorry probably 50 times. He said he just wasn't dealing with himself and he knows he handled this all wrong, he said I want you I love you. He said this has been a huge wake up call and he feels like an evil person and he never wanted it to happen like this.

Not sure if ive mentioned I think while back but this is a long distance. It's not heaps far but he was saying he has all this love to give me and im not with him and he isnt coping. He said he runs away from problems and sometimes he doesn't even notice. He said now youve made me realise what I want.

I just said he needs to grow up not for me, for himself. I said and no, I wont be played and I wont be waiting around. There are things that can be done but think you need to work that out on your own.

Anyway, at the same time, I am glad I understand more of whats happened. He admitted he thought "its ok she'll be there she will understand" and kept on ignoring the problems and he said he knows how wrong that was, and just kept apologising.

I didn't show any emotion, he said he loves me, I didn't say anything. I handled it well I believe, no anger or nastiness, was just telling him how I thought and yes he did wrong and I wont be giving him any more unless he proved himself to me.

He said he knows I deserve much more and wants me to be happy, said he'll understand if I move on. I said well, nothing is stopping me now.

I knew he was trying to make it so I would wait...not going to happen. I said I wont put up with shit anymore..ive been through this enough to know. A lot was discussed, too much to write, but I know this has shook him up and he'll be thinking long and hard now.

Anyway, ended with him saying he wants to talk to me face to face about this he doesn't want to do it on the phone and wants to come see me.

We'll see. I am playing it cool and calm but definitely got my guards up and I feel in control. I'll always remember in the back of my mind what you say, is that I wont go off just what he says, actions also speak.

It feels nice though to have handled this and still my emotions remain at bay. He cannot break me down and I made it clear. I am still going to go out and have my fun and not dismiss opportunities.

Hope you think I did right; February 16, 2013 at 5:45 PM
Anonymous said...: This is Lost Girl(Anonymous from earlier at 2:30 PM today). I just want to add--another thing this man does is always try to make it seem like he feels the EXACT way I feel about him. For instance even when his actions aren’t matching up(when he is saying he likes me and then not calling or texting as much as he was before) and I tell him “I feel like I feel more for you than you feel for me and maybe that is why I’m making too much out of things(him not calling as much anymore) and then he’ll quickly say “No I feel the same as you”. And this has been going on for a while—whenever I would reveal to him that I feel like maybe I’m liking him more or wanting more from him than he can give, he always makes sure to tell me that he likes me just as much, or feels EXACTLY the same way, or wants the same thing I do. And yet… His actions aren’t adding up. I’m not sure if it’s his job promotion(since he’s work more hours and has much more work to do) or if it’s the fact that I’m in a different state and he’s starting to realize it may not work out—but the communication from him has definitely died down. It’s now been 7 days since we last spoke, and 6 days since I sent him a “hey” text… In the past I would often not call or text for up to 5 days just to see if he would contact me(sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn’t) but this is so far the longest we’ve ever went without talking. I feel a bit hurt and sad that he hasn’t texted or called. Everytime I gave him an out( I would tell him maybe we should not talk anymore since he didn't seem to be interested anymore) or (“You seem too busy maybe we just need to not talk anymore since you have a lot on your plate”) or the most recent “I don’t think you can give me what I need which is more talking and texting from you and intimacy so we should call the quits on this so that I can move on” and every single time I have done this he always comes back with “NO I do care and I do want to continue to talk” or “I really do miss you” or “I can give you what you want” Or he'll call me right away and try to talk things out. I’m just not understanding what the point of this all is? WE are in different states(at least 8 hours away) we haven’t seen each other in almost 2 months and he hasn’t been calling or texting as much in the last few weeks, so why is he relunctant to let it go everytime I bring it up when it's obvious that he isn't putting in the same effort he used too… And he knows the right words to say such as "I only want you, no one else matters but you" or I lost a lot of weight over the last two months(he's a southern man who likes thicker woman) and he said "Well you looked good to me before and had a good shape but no worries I just want you".. I mean sometimes it seems borderline genuine other times I wonder if it's "lines". I mean when we saw each other in person, he was kind of corny, awkward guy so maybe that's why he says thing like this, but I just feel so confused by this. I know that doing the NC for 30 days will help clear my head. But does the NC work well for long distance relationships too? I mean I know that men are visual creatures and not seeing a woman they are dating that often can maybe make them not care as much? So how do I know that not contacting him for a while will even matter to him, since he hasn't seen me in a while anyway(and may not have any incentive to want to talk). Maybe I'm just being insecure.; February 16, 2013 at 7:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 16, 12:48PM,
I remember responding to your question the other day. Although I believe you may have originally possibly left it on another post here?

Once you find your original comment, look at the date below it that you left it. My response to you will be addressed to "Anonymous" on that date and time.; February 17, 2013 at 12:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SilentScream,
"I guess my confusion is where do I go from here?"

You can't steer this in any particular direction. The interest from the man needs to be there. If it isn't, nothing you do can change that.

"I also find myself slowly becoming friends with him, which I don't mind since he is a good person...but that is not where I want this to go since I met him on a dating website. I still like him and still hope that he would ask me out and pursue me."

You have no choice but to wait for that to happen. And if it doesn't, you must accept that and move on.

"At this point, should I give it a last shot to see if he is still interested in a romantic way by unfriending him on FB and totally disappearing on him with NC?"

You can try that if you like. But there are no guarantees.

"What do you think is going on here? And how can I test out if he is still romantically interested yet still being able to keep him as a friend afterwards? I'm just totally confused with what I should do here."

You can test out his interest level by waiting to see if he steps up to ask you out again. You can't do anything here if the interest from the man isn't present. You can't control this situation and you can't make someone love you or want to be in a relationship with you.

The only thing you can control is your reaction - to his action (or lack thereof). There is nothing you can do to make a man interested in you. The interest must be present first.

You can attempt NC and see if it draws him out. But if it doesn't, you must accept that he is not genuinely interested and you must move on as best you can.; February 17, 2013 at 12:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LostGirl,
Well, again, you cannot make a man want to be in a relationship with you or love you. The interest from the man needs to be there first.

You can attempt NC, but that means no initiation and no response. And you do that for a month and see if it compels him to take action.

If not, I think at that point you would simply have to accept that with all that's happened (your move, his promotion) he's changed his mind and possibly does not want a long distance relationship or a relationship - period.; February 17, 2013 at 12:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
"Do you have insecurities? If so, how do you deal with them?"

Of course I do dear. I'm only human, just like you and all of the rest of the men and women here. And being insecure about yourself is a part of the human condition - no human being is without insecurity. (And that includes men. They too carry feelings of insecurity - about their performance, their beer belly's, baldness, their careers, their penis size, LOL - you name it.)

But I've learned to recognize my insecurities and acknowledge them as such. I pay them no heed and I do not take action on them or let them affect my decisions. I consciously chose to set them aside.

When I start to experience self-doubt, worry, anxiety and fear - I've learned to recognize that for exactly what it is - my insecurities. Those feelings receive no attention from me, I do not dwell on them and most times, I laugh them off - I've learned that a healthy dose of humor about yourself can go a long way, LOL.

If I date a man that starts to make me experience those feelings - rather than succumbing to those feelings and letting them begin to affect my behavior - rather than taking action on them (pursuing the man, questioning myself) - I simply say to myself:

"I do not wish to be with someone that makes me feel this way. I want to be with a man that makes me feel good about myself, not bad."

And I remove myself from the situation and the man that's causing those feelings to surface within me.

I want to be around a man that makes me feel positive about myself - not negative. So instead of succumbing to those negative thoughts - I don't view MYSELF as the problem.

I view THE MAN as the problem - the one responsible for making me feel that way about myself - and I rid myself of him and remove him from my life. I look at him and say:

"Yuck, he makes me feel bad. He makes me feel yucky. I don't like that."

And he becomes less attractive to me.

You can chose to be around men that make you feel good about yourself - or you can chose to be around men that make you feel bad about yourself.

Bottom line: The choice is YOURS ;-)

I do not chose to be with men that make me behave in ways that are not true to myself. I consciously chose to surround myself with men who bring out the BEST in me - not the WORST.

And when I meet men that bring out the worst in me - I leave them in the dust ;-)

It's a conscious choice, sweetie. (Hence you can only be treated as poorly as you permit yourself to be.)

Surround yourself with people that lift you up and bring out the best in you - do not surround yourself with people that bring you down and bring out the worst in you ;-); February 17, 2013 at 1:01 PM
Anonymous said...: This is lost Girl. Thank you for your response. I understand what you are saying. Why everytime when I would say "let's just stop talking, it doesn't seem like you're interested or it seems like you have a lot on your plate, let's just stop talking..." He would protest and tell me don't ever stop talking to him, etc and then start calling and texting again. Or most recently I told him what I wanted out of our "relationship/friendship" and told him that if he can't give me that then I'm done talking to him and I'm moving on. He called me all week, that week, and text me as well. He left me sweet voicemail messages talking about how much he misses me, etc. I just don't understand why he is playing games. I keep giving him outs--I told him that if he doesn't want "this" anymore then it's fine, I won't be upset I'll just move on, and that I'd rather him just be upfront and tell me that he doesn't want to talk anymore. In past relationships(that he told me about) he said that he often dealt with women that turned out crazy. Stalking him. showing up to his workplace--police having to be called to keep them away. He said the most recent situation, he was dating a woman who wanted a relationship and he told her that was not what he wanted, but she still kept pushing it on him, so he had to end it with her because he didn't want to string her along. He seems like an honest guy from interactions with him. Which is why I'm not understanding when I told him "let's just stop talking" does he say "no I want to talk" and then start pursuing again(if only for a short time). Why not just let it go?
Another thing he does is if I do go a long time without talking or texting him, when I finally do text him or call him he seems to have an attitude or be angry with me. But when I'm texting him frequently he's more response and friendly... He's a laidback guy--he is sort of lazy(I've noticed at work) so I'm wondering if his laidback and laziness translates into his relationships.
I'm doing the NC right now as we speak. The truth too is that I don't WANT a relationship with him(too many complications doing an LDR) I want a friendship--where we talk often, and when we are "able" to see each other(have the money and time) we see each other and have a casual "sexual" relationship. I've been honest with him about this(what I want). I'm not interested in anything too serious right now due to work, amongst other things, so I'm not trying to make him be with me. There are plenty of other men that have tried to get with me. I guess the reason I like "him" over the others is because he makes me feel very comfortable and is a very easygoing silly funny guy. Like I don't feel like I have to "act" a certain way with him.; February 17, 2013 at 1:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoChick,
"He was also contacting a mutual friend of mine also telling him he has "f'd up real bad and he took me for granted and he is freaked out that I just cut him out of my life"

That's the magic of NC when done properly - leaving it go on long enough that the man reaches the conclusion HIMSELF (without being told) that he made a mistake and through the long process of thought - he figures out exactly what that mistake was himself.

"he f'd up real bad and he took me for granted"

You didn't have to say a word there or spell it out for him at all. He reached that conclusion HIMSELF. Which is the way it needs to be. Because you telling him that, would've only made him defensive. And you continuing to see him AFTER you would've told him that, would've meant he never would've given it ANY THOUGHT.

Again, the magic of NC and the lengthy process of thought that it jump starts in a man's mind:

"He said he is sorry probably 50 times. He said he just wasn't dealing with himself and he knows he handled this all wrong, he said I want you I love you. He said this has been a huge wake up call and he feels like an evil person and he never wanted it to happen like this."

Had you nagged him about it or spelled it out for him in words - he NEVER would've done any of the THINKING necessary to reach the epiphany he just had about himself there ;-)

Again, more magic moments as a result of NC:

"He said now you've made me realize what I want."

You never know what you've got - until it's gone ;-) And it's an "end" that brings this realization into focus. Hanging on for dear life does not produce this result - only an "end" does.

"He admitted he thought "its ok she'll be there she will understand" and kept on ignoring the problems and he said he knows how wrong that was, and just kept apologising."

He never would've realized he was taking you for granted had you tried to spell it out for him and explain it to him in words - only ACTION produces this result.

"I know this has shook him up and he'll be thinking long and hard now."

And you pull back and give him the time and space to do more of exactly that - THINKING. Don't jump in and attempt to steer this in a particular direction or take control somehow. Pull back, relinquish control and let this happen naturally in order for it to really take effect.

"It feels nice though to have handled this and still my emotions remain at bay. He cannot break me down and I made it clear. I am still going to go out and have my fun and not dismiss opportunities."

And you do exactly that. Do not let HIS little epiphany here affect YOUR life. Once he gets to the point that he feels compelled to take action - THAT'S when you can circle around and give him some of your attention - in small doses (forcing him to work at it and prove himself to receive your attention.)

And this is NOT cruel, ladies. This is how two people come to the realization that they are equals and this is how two people develop respect for one another. And it's actually this kind of stuff, these kinds of challenges, that pull two people TOGETHER - that aren't meant to be together.

Once a couple has faced challenges and obstacles together and they realize that the other person brings out the BEST in them ("she makes me a better man" or "he makes me a better woman") - it's THAT type of "energy," positive, supportive energy that drives the two individuals and hammers them into the best versions of themselves - that creates lasting bonds and the ties that bind.

Cont. . .; February 17, 2013 at 1:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Your actions are not hurting him - they are actually making him a better man, a better version of himself - one that is becoming self-aware.

And his actions are forcing you to become a better woman, a better version of yourself - one that is becoming self-aware.

And that is the definition of EQUALITY in a relationship - where the two parties compel one another into states of "betterment" and self-improvement.

If he comes full circle in this process and begins to take actions that align with his recent insights - if he begins to WORK at this - you can then begin to give him some of your attention - once that level playing field has been reached and a level of respect that is EQUAL begins to exist.

Any imbalance of power can set things off course in a relationship. Which is why it's so very important for women to wield their power in a relationship - as opposed to rolling over, playing dead and becoming a victim instead.

It's the equality of power that makes two people respect one another and treat each other properly. And it's a fine line - a dance of sorts - attaining that level of equality. It requires ACTION on both parts.; February 17, 2013 at 1:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LostGirl,
"I’m just not understanding what the point of this all is?"

Sounds like he's stringing you along (possibly as a "Plan B") to keep his options open.

"so why is he relunctant to let it go everytime I bring it up when it's obvious that he isn't putting in the same effort he used too"

Because that's one less sexual option for him if he lets go.

"So how do I know that not contacting him for a while will even matter to him"

You don't. There are no guarantees in life sweetie. Love and relationships require risk. Everyone who is involved with someone is "risking" something - humiliation, rejection, etc. That's just life.

You can't make a man love you or want a relationship with you. You can't control a man or another individual. The only thing you can control is your REACTION - to his ACTIONS.

And someone can only treat you as poorly as you permit them to. Someone can only take advantage of you as much as you'll allow them to. Someone can only take you for granted as long as you will permit them to.

You can't control THEIR actions - but you can control YOURS - by removing yourself from the situation and breaking the vicious cycle.; February 17, 2013 at 1:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lost Girl,
"I just don't understand why he is playing games."

It's to HIS benefit to string you along and keep you in the game as an option for himself.

"Which is why I'm not understanding when I told him "let's just stop talking" does he say "no I want to talk" and then start pursuing again(if only for a short time). Why not just let it go?"

Because then that would be one less sexual opportunity or option for himself. He's keeping his options open.

"The truth too is that I don't WANT a relationship with him (too many complications doing an LDR) I want a friendship--where we talk often, and when we are "able" to see each other (have the money and time) we see each other and have a casual "sexual" relationship."

Then don't confuse the two. "Casual" means exactly that - casual (every once in a while). You cannot expect a man to behave as if he's in a relationship with you if all you want is something casual.

When you pressure him and question him about his actions - it signals "relationship" to him. Because that's how two people in a relationship act.

If you want something casual, you cannot demand those things of him. You cannot expect to see a genuine interest on his part and you cannot expect him to communicate regularly or with enthusiasm. That is not "casual" - that is "relationship."

"I'm not interested in anything too serious right now due to work, amongst other things, so I'm not trying to make him be with me."

Then refrain from pressuring him for answers and simply accept any time and attention he is willing to give you. That's the definition of casual - here and there, when it happens it happens, no pressure, no expectations, no regular communication, no high level of enthusiasm. Anything more than that is "relationship."

If you truly want something casual - then you need to be willing to "settle" for something that is exactly that - casual (less than a relationship).; February 17, 2013 at 1:43 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror(this is Lost Girl)

Thank you for being real with me. I did tell him that I felt like he was stringing me along and he kept denying it, but actions speak louder than words. I guess I'm not sure what it is I want then. I don't want a relationship because of the complications that come with it, but at the same time I guess I am looking for something more than casual. I might be expecting "more" from him than what someone who isn't in a relationship is willing to give. On another note, I feel played. When I met this guy originally he wasn't even my type. I had no interest in him(romantic). He wasn't a very attractive guy, but he was tall and dark and very romantic and easy to be comfortable with. I figured that because he was a little below my league that maybe he'd treat me better than other men I have dated have treated me. . I gave him a "chance" because of this and slowly but surely I started to like him as well. And then when he started to pull back and do less, I started to want him more. The crazy thing is that I get attention ALL the time from men(hit on, etc). So I'm not sure why his "lack" of attention is driving me crazy. I feel stupid only because I allowed for things to get so out of hand(me calling so much and getting on him for not contacting me as much) and got so desperate. Slowly the less I am talking to him the more I am starting to get a grip on reality. He was never my boyfriend. Never someone I went on more than one date with, and just a man I worked with for a few months and talked to on the phone and through text. I've accepted the possibility that he won't be back. Although a part of me feels like eventually he will. I don't think it's been long enough, but I think it's going to hit him "she hasn't texted or called me lately, what's going on". I'm not even sure if by that point I'll still be interested, I all ready thinking that maybe it's just time to move on and cut my losses and give a man that is "local" a chance. I just can't believe I allowed myself to get sucked into this weird situation. I guess I just thought he was a nice guy. Everyone told me he was, and he referred to himself as a "nice guy", and he seemed different from other men I dated. Oh well.; February 17, 2013 at 2:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lost Girl,
"So I'm not sure why his "lack" of attention is driving me crazy."

Re-read this article, particularly the section titled, "The Scarcity Theory of Value." It's a psychological concept - people always want what they can't have. And men instinctively realize this and use it to their advantage, daily, on women.

Men realize that when someone makes themselves "scarce" or not readily available, it makes you want them even more. (Which is why no contact becomes valuable to women - it can have the same effect on men.)

"at the same time I guess I am looking for something more than casual."

Me personally, I don't believe in "casual" sex for women. It's a known fact that women develop emotional attachments via the act of engaging in sex. So for women it amounts to - Sex = emotional attachment.

The same is not true for men, however. They do not form emotional attachment through the act of sex. Men form emotional attachment via "longing" (missing someone, desiring someone, longing for them). For men it amounts to - Longing = emotional attachment.

"I just can't believe I allowed myself to get sucked into this weird situation."

Don't beat yourself up for it, it happens to even the best of us at times and you can clearly see, from the comments here - you're not alone ;-); February 17, 2013 at 2:22 PM
Anonymous said...: WOW!! I wrote you for advice about a week ago with my disappearing Aries man. You had commented that he was really immature, for me to ignore his first couple of contacts to me and make him work for it.

Well, since then I have uncovered why he has been so on again then poofs...it is because he is MARRIED with a BABY!!!

This from a man who I met on a dating site initially and it progressed to an intimate relationship of over 6 months!! He also lied to my face, telling me he was not in a relationship and hadn't been in some time...not married and never has been..and no children.

He insists on seeing me in person to apologize. Said in a text I can't see it "in his eyes". Said there is a bunch about him I don't know and he wants to explain to me.

I have never had this happen before and I am in total shock.

-Anonymous in SD; February 17, 2013 at 2:50 PM
virgochick said...: Thanks for the kind words MOA :)

Glad you think I did ok. I mean, for him to reach this in about 5-6 days is a bit crazy. He couldn't handle 5 days LOL.

I am still the same, I am not contacting him still this is all on him now. I am definitely not jumping into anything like we were and he knows that. The only thing I'd give some attention is if he comes to see me.

He needs to work for me and show me he wants to be a better man and show me he knows what he wants.

Plus, I still haven't added him on fb and will not even go there. It seems like he didn't expect me to react this way. Anyway, at least I know what it is, and I can safely say my emotions are still switched off. I love him but I have locked those feelings up tight and they will not come out till he gives me some proof.

IF so happens he goes back to what he was doing before, ill be NC again and next time I won't be responding so quickly. I'd let him cook for at least a few days of trying. LOL; February 17, 2013 at 4:36 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Thank you for your in-depth response.My question was triggered by a conversation with a girlfriend.She constantly compares herself to other women,she's by all means a tough cookie,independent,self-confident,beautiful but time and time again I catch her fantasizing about another woman's body,hair,lips etc.

Just yesterday she brought up the ''weight'' issues on me.As a woman,I relate but I stray from comparing myself to anyone and instead focus on bettering myself,preserving and letting my own beauty shine through.

But it so often falls on dead ears with her.And I feel for her,I truly do,women can be so competitive with one another.

All of that and building a career,raising a family and dealing with disappearing reappearing losers Lol and keeping our mental health in check..boy,its hard being a woman.; February 17, 2013 at 6:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous in SD,
Don't give this man one more ounce of your attention. Cut him OFF and slice him out of your life.

Who the f*ck cares what some married joker hurting women, you, his wife, his unborn child and countless other individuals I'm sure, with his selfishness thinks or says or whether or not he's sorry.

He should be sorry.

Let him wallow in his sorrows. Forget him and never speak to him again.

And I hate to make an example out of you, I'm very sorry that this has happened to you, but ladies - let this be a warning.

MAKE MEN PROVE THEMSELVES TO YOU. Period.

This guys is an immature fool, a "man boy" that is callously hurting others to fulfill his childish, selfish needs.

Karma returns to deliver that which you have sown back to you - 3 fold. And he has a world of shit heading straight towards him.

Move out of it's way and let him receive it, full force. Do not give him the opportunity he's requesting of you. He deserves NOTHING but the sorrow and the karma he's sown.; February 17, 2013 at 8:21 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,

I need some advice please re: Virgo.

Virgo had been pursuing and showing effort as I’ve explained for over a month, but his behavior is going back to the old ways and I would like to know if you see it as well in the following.

After my “Please do not respond, I am not a quitter,” text 2 Fri nights ago, and his contact Sunday, we talked about A LOT of stuff. I don’t remember much other than him explaining that I take his joking the wrong way, my explaining his behavior and comments sometimes ‘stab me like a knife’, and him saying I need to tell him when it happens otherwise it becomes a truckload of baled hay he gets buried under when I keep things in and then hit a limit and dump numerous grievances on him. He said men can’t address more than one thing at a time, he's called himself (and all men) a “Neanderthal” needing to tackle one thing at a time.

So, I started this thing where we text one word every day of what we want in a relationship - Just one word for each of us to think about. If nothing else, it’s interesting. I didn't think much of this fact, but now I am: it's usually me texting first in the AM because of the hour difference and our work schedules, etc. (I hadn't thought of it as initiating a txt, it is a continual carryover of one word a day -- I never thought about it as me initiating txt until writing this now).

On V-Day, in response to receiving his card, I mirrored his message in the card via a txt, “xoxo ST” (for my state). Then he txt me, “Well, you going to call?” I explained my hesitation in earlier post, but I felt I needed to respond positively to his action of sending a card and recognizing V-Day. So I called, and although I didn’t like initiating the call, it went well. Then he received my kiddie V-Day card at work on Friday; he was clearly happy with it, but the i-m’s were noticeably few. The few i-m’s could be because he was busy and is completely understandable.

I did not hear from him Friday night. (I am not high maintenance, and don’t expect consistent contact, but when behavioral patterns change, I take notice.)

He was having a friend over to do guy stuff and stay over at some point this weekend, I don’t know which day/night.

I txt him my word Saturday AM, and his word wasn’t a word at all, “Mostest.” I felt like he was getting lazy, so I didn’t respond Saturday.

Today, Sunday AM, he texts me “morning.” I don’t respond. Two hours later, he texts me his word, this time it’s a real word and spelled correctly. A half hour later, I respond with my word.

Four hours later, Virgo txts> sweet

Me> I don’t respond.

Virgo> rum? (His favorite)

An hour later, Me > No power (because my electricity went out.)

Virgo > call

Me> No electricity

Virgo> call

My instinct is churning, and I am not liking this at all Ms. Mirror.

During our phone conversations this week when I explained that he would have to come up before I go out to see him again, he said something like, “Well, you have to find stuff going on for us to go do and let me know when,” or something like that.

I was hurt by his comment because what I heard was that he didn’t get that my intent of us getting together is to spend time together.

When I first told him he had to come up here before I go out there again, and he asked why, I said, “I have to see how you are going to treat me.” So I have been clear.

Continued...; February 17, 2013 at 8:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Don't let someone else's insecurities be projected onto yourself. Stand strong dear. You're your own person.

"Just yesterday she brought up the ''weight'' issues on me."

You may want to enlighten her to the fact that weight has very little to do with male attraction. It's actually hip to waist ratio that does that trick - regardless of a woman's size.

You can find my mention of it at the bottom of this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html

Regardless of a woman's size, if her hip to waist ratio is within range, men will find her attractive - be her a size 2 or a size 16.

Hip to Waist Ratio Calculator (perfection is 0.7):

http://www.bmi-calculator.net/waist-to-hip-ratio-calculator/

Female waist-to-hip and male waist-to-shoulder ratios as determinants of romantic partner desirability:

http://psych.colorado.edu/~cuchangelab/pdfs/bryan/2006/femalehipratio.pdf; February 17, 2013 at 8:29 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror Continued

His comment of me having to find things for us to do made me feel like I had to entertain him, and he just didn’t get it. But I just responded, “I gotta go.”

He jumped! He wanted to talk about it and said he didn’t mean it like I took it, that coming up to see me was the purpose, etc.

We talked about it again the next day and although he reinforced that the purpose of his visit was to see me, I told him I heard him and I would look for things for us to do (no drama, just normal conversation). And that was my chore this weekend, to look and provide him dates.

Virgo seemed comfortable before with his initiating our contact, but his behavior this weekend is bothering me. I sent a txt back about 2 hrs ago> Powers on. He hasn’t called.

I initiated the text on Thurs night to thank him for the card, and he insisted that I call him. I sent him the V-card that he received on Friday. I feel like he is feeling comfortable and getting lazy again and that there is a behavior power struggle going on right now. I may be crazy or being over dramatic, but this feels significant, like a test - for both of us.

I have no desire to initiate the call.

What do you think?; February 17, 2013 at 8:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Yep, you got it. It's a power struggle and he has seen you do the initiating as of late (yes, the word in the morning is still initiating) and, as a result, he's now moving to position himself. He's moving towards making things easy on himself by placing YOU in the role of doing the work here while he takes a turn and sits back, going non-responsive once again.

I don't have a damn clue why this happens, why they get lazy like this - but this is exactly what happens when a woman takes a lead role.

I'm not hammering on you here for that because I don't think that was your intention - but even you, yourself are noticing how it COMPLETELY changes the dynamic of the relationship. Which it can literally do - overnight.

Ugh. Okay, so back to square one with Virgo here. He's non-responsive right now, so that means however long he takes to respond - you take that long to answer.

It has to go back to square one. No more texting your word in the morning - wait for HIS word FIRST. No more calling upon his demand. If he wants to talk to you, he knows where to find you. And if he wants it bad enough, he'll come find you, as he's done in the past.

And you know, I hate to say this - but I've seen this take place after a "boys weekend." It's like they get together and talk about their women troubles and together - they decide that playing games is the way to go, LOL.

It's like watching two little boys whisper and snicker at each other while pointing to a little girl, LOL. "Hehe, we're going to get you."

It's nuts. But I have a feeling that hanging around with another man this weekend and filling him in on what's going on with you two has played a role in this. I can hear it now:

"She's making me work at this."

"Oh really? You need to show her whose the boss and put her in her place here."

"How do I do that?"

"You need to treat her bad and that'll make her chase you."

"Oh yea. You know, you're right. It used to be like that, but then I started being nice and working at it more. I'm going to revert back to being lazy and ignorant and see if she becomes insecure and worried and chases me again."

I've sat in on these childish conversations. I've heard men talk like this to each other. And I stare at them and call them cavemen and they snicker, like it's a big joke.

But then days later, when the object of their affection is no longer speaking to them . . . suddenly, no one is laughing anymore, LOL ;-)

Back to square one, my dear. Mirror his behavior. He's either going to share the power in the relationship - or he isn't going to have a relationship here - period.

So see how long it takes him to respond and however long that is - you take just as long, maybe even a few hours or a day longer - before you answer him. And cease initiating the texts at this point - he can't handle it, it's going to his head, LOL ;-)

Even though you didn't intend it as you chasing, that's how the male ego perceives it. It's the equivalent of a beautiful girl walking past a guy and his buddies and she says "hello" to one of them.

Then he turns around to his buddies and says, "Did you see that? She wants me!"

It's the same thing. Only now, there are two of them childishly plotting this weekend ;-); February 17, 2013 at 8:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
I should add that when this happens:

"But then days later, when the object of their affection is no longer speaking to them . . . suddenly, no one is laughing anymore, LOL ;-)"

That's when the men who initially had this caveman conversation in front of me - TURN TO ME, a woman, and say, "I messed up. What should I do? I don't know what to do. Bob told me to do this. I don't know why I listened to Bob. He doesn't even have a girlfriend. I guess that's the reason why, huh?"

And then I get to yank the caveman club outta' their hand and bap them over the head with it, LOL. They've all taken their licks though, I'll give them that. They take the baps on the head and become desperate for the "key" to winning her attention back again.

And with me, that usually involves me making them buy flowers. And not just any flowers - rare flowers.

I've instructed many a man to send orchids to a woman in apology, LOL. I've even had to order the damn things on 1-800-flowers.com because some of these guys don't even have a computer (in their cave, LOL).

And oh the joy I receive when the next gathering takes place and I get to embarrass them in front of their caveman friend (womanless Bob) who suggested the stupidity in the first place, LOL ;-); February 17, 2013 at 8:59 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,

Thanks for your thoughts. My NC Saturday was due to his Friday behavior and lazy txt Saturday AM. (I didn't know his intentions, but I thought I'd back off to give him time to think about it.)

I think you are right. He wants me to drive the relationship bus while he is lazy with his feet up in the back seat.

The good news here is that I see it -- and felt it immediately with his txt to call him Thursday night.

And yeah, I really didn't see the daily word as my initiating. We've done it 6 days, and today was first day I didn't initiate it. What a goof! I wasn't thinking relationship with the txt action, I was thinking akin to a daily task list at work. WRONG! Everything we do has to do with the relationship. Too funny! And good lesson.

My behavior Saturday and Sunday has been back to Square 1, it just feels different this time. It is as though we both know the stakes, and we are going to see if and how we come out of this: him with the power (by putting me in my place as you explain), or me with equal power (by my standing my ground of how I expect a man to treat me.) Interesting.

Thank you for your input. I truly appreciate it -- sometimes this feels like a "Science project." (There's my Gemini age showing. I have to tell you, the age explanation in Sextrology was enlightening -- some of my behaviors and life challenges make perfect sense to me now. 14-21 - perfect sense.) SMILE!; February 17, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms Mirror

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Virgo's name is BOB!

too freaking funny!!

HUGS!; February 17, 2013 at 9:45 PM
Flwrpwr said...: Hi MOA,

Ive been using no contact but besides the NC method...have you found any other strange way of this working. For instance, like bumping into his loud mouth friend knowing he will mention you again. Or just simply finding someone else and being happy.
Thanks; February 17, 2013 at 9:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Flwrpwr,
Well, I think it all depends on the individual involved. In some cases, you need to just walk away. In other cases, an odd occurrence can be the catalyst that leads to open communication.

It just depends :-); February 17, 2013 at 10:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"That's when the men who initially had this caveman conversation in front of me - TURN TO ME, a woman, and say, "I messed up. What should I do? I don't know what to do. Bob told me to do this. I don't know why I listened to Bob. He doesn't even have a girlfriend. I guess that's the reason why, huh?"

"@ Ms Mirror,
HAHAHAHAHA!!! Virgo's name is BOB!"

I think my intuitive skills are being sharpened here, ladies, LOL ;-); February 17, 2013 at 10:53 PM
flwrpwr said...: @MOA Thanks for the response. Im dealing with a typical gemini man 23. Im a scorpio 20. I dont expect to be the only option in the early stages being that we hung out and went on a few dates. But i dont feel that I should have to be subjected to "compete" esp for not his best. So I walked away. The last I talked to him he "seemed" like he didnt want to talk to me, so I left it alone. But his disappearance has me a bit baffled. I kept it fresh, fun, light, we talked often, adventurous, didnt tell him everything, never mentioned relationship, I wasnt clinging to him. Even his roommate jokingly told him that I was a keeper. He would actually tell me on the first date that "there is always someone else" or tell me that hes sometimes an ass or "you and I are dating, im talking to the other girl." Meaning he is taking me out on a date. He would ask me about my ex and ask questions like "why didnt you burn his car for cheating?", as if to test me. He was basically Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. In the short time, I was getting close to him he was great. Sweet, charming,a little too honest, handsome, talkative, burning to see me and hang out, always texting me gm,etc. One of the last normal conversations we had was him telling me he wanted to date only me because he likes me a lot. Right after that sentence he contradicts what he says...and disappears. Though Im telling you the negative side of him...He always will find time for me and reply back. He's not ignoring me, he just disappeared. But regardless, I dont think hes coming back though he has no gf. Ive used NC since then for almost 2 months and mostly throughout to show I wasn't clingy. Since we arent on bad terms, I was thinking an "odd occurrence" would spark his flighty interest again and I would then mirror him so he'll know what it feels like...lol; February 17, 2013 at 11:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you MOA. Part of me is very curious about all these things he keeps alluding to that I don't know about his life. Plus, looking really hot and happy and telling him he and his "apology" are ridiculous and pathetic..seeing "his eyes" then does have an appeal. Should I tell his wife? I told him his wife should know when I found out. He told me he told her, but I don't believe him. What do you think?

AnonymousSD; February 18, 2013 at 6:13 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

I'm familiar with the waist to hip ratio.I think the results showed Naomi Campbell to be the perfect ratio example at one point.

My point to her is though,if your weight is making you insecure,then get off your ass and do something about it.Be productive,pro-active,don't drown in your own sorrow or fat deposits lol.

@Gemini50

I'm frustrated for you about your Virgo's change of behaviour.Argh,it seemed to be going in the right direction and now the caveman kicked back in.You steer the wheel here darling.What a bunch of work his ass is!lol Good luck!; February 18, 2013 at 7:43 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror-

Quick question! My disappearing reappearing man asked me out this weekend. I haven't responded yet, but I am wondering if I should make it clear before I agree that sex is out of the question at the present moment? Or do you pretend like the past doesn't matter completely? I am thinking I should just make my response care free and only accept the date if we agree that its only a drink or whatever and nothing more. That includes declining any meet ups at his house until I am ready for that.

Virgo Pal; February 18, 2013 at 12:44 PM
PiscesSwimmingAway said...: @Gemini50...My Libra guy tried this lazy crap with me after contacting me 5 months after he broke things off. He called out the blue one day, a call to which I was very receptive to, and at the end of our conversation tells me to keep in touch. So, a few days later I contacted him. WRONG move! I should have left it up to him to contact me again. When I picked up the phone and made contact, I had immediately placed myself in the role of chaser. They are some slick and manipulative bastards who take advantage of your desire to have a relationship. When a committed 100% relationship is not what they REALLY want, they exploit our desires of wanting to have one. These kinds of guys are nothing but frustration and hard work.

Anyway, it took me about a week to realize what was happening. It wasn't that I was initiating the “chaser” type contact and him ignoring me that caused me to realize this. No, what it was…was the fact he wasn’t starting to pull back on contacting me. Here’s what I did, I initiated contact but it wasn’t the typical “how are you, good morning, what are you doing" kind. I said to myself, he is not going to get away with contacting me and disturbing my peace and then turn around and sit on his ass and wait for me to come to him. So what I did was, make up my mind, ahead of time, that I was getting rid of his ass once and for all but before I do, I’m going to point out to him why he isn’t worthy of me and as such, I started initiating brief texts with content to point this out. I sent him a text everyday over the course of 3 days asking him some questions concerning what he knew about me personally. Things that he should have know but never took the time or had any interest in finding out (mind you, these were questions I knew he didn't know) anyway, he answered everyone WRONG and I used his answers against him with responses like, “really, that’s strange, I know that about you…hmmm.”

Continued...; February 18, 2013 at 1:05 PM
PiscesSwimmingAway said...: After I did that for a couple of days, giving him something to think about (his shortcomings and unworthiness) I followed up with the typical concerning and caring text that we give them when they aren’t worthy but their unworthiness isn’t staring them right in the face along with us. When the loving and caring stuff is resented in this way, it has an entirely different effect. It’s kind of like how you feel when someone walks in on you and hears you talking bad about them and they confront you right then and there or they proceed to treat you with kindness when it is obvious they heard what you said.

Those texts went like this, "just wanted to make sure you're okay driving in this whether" (we had major storms here and hurricanes) and when he responded with “thanks…I’m at home though” and didn’t ask if I was okay and I brought it to his attention. Gotcha! I knew I had gotten in his head at this point and made him uncomfortable when he responded with and attempt to turn the table on me and make me feel guilty about some shit I didn’t even know about. He responded back by telling me he had been sick for the past couple of days and, in his own words, “I didn’t see you knocking down my door trying to see if I was okay, I’ve been off work for the last two days…I went to the doctor and I almost tore my Achilles tendon.” That was some classic “flip the script” shit!

Continued...; February 18, 2013 at 1:07 PM
PiscesSwimmingAway said...: I wasn’t done with his ass yet so I put some sugar on it by responding with, “I didn’t know you were sick. How am I supposed to take care of you if you don’t say something? I just talked to you on Monday and you didn’t say anything…why didn’t you say something? He was trapped at this point and tried to the best of his ability to not answer the question (He knew it wasn’t legit) so he responded by avoiding it entirely by saying, “that was on Monday? I thought it was Sunday.” Really…what a ridiculous response but even more revealing of how out of control of the situation he was.

So, I hit him again by saying, “Sunday or Monday…I don’t know…I’d have to go back through my text to be sure. Regardless, that’s not really the point. If you felt it was important, you should have said something” to which he never responded but… of course he didn’t! At this point, his responses required some true introspection, responsibility of actions and honesty, all of which he wasn’t capable of. My conclusion, he is not a serious candidate for me to consider as a mate. He’s all about manipulation and exploitation of my intentions to have a serious, committed, loving and caring relationship. So, I sat on it for a couple more days, letting what had just happened to him sink in a bit and then I sent my final text telling him to never ever contact me again and yes, I did it through text as he wasn’t worthy of anything more.

He was so messed up by it, he sent me a couple of on-purpose-mistake text supposedly intended for another woman and then followed them up with an apology…wrong person but I know it will piss you off text. How stupid was that?! He had just cut off your nose to spite your face! I responded with, “I understand it was a mistake…just don’t let it happen again and the only way you can be sure it doesn’t is to delete my info. I know he’s been thinking about it and wishes he could have handle things differently and I know he wants to call but it’s too late. I’m done with his ass. However, I do think about him occasionally, actually more than I’d like to and it pisses me off considering that before he contacted me, I hadn’t been thinking of him. I just don’t appreciate that kind of behavior and if I saw him on the street, I wouldn’t even speak to him. It’s not that I’m mad, I just don’t think he’s worthy of my attention. Again, I said all that to make the point that at some point, we have to realize they just aren’t worth our time and as much as they know we want a serious committed relationship, they also need to be aware that we will be just as committed to walk away if they are not willing to give us one.

Love to all my sisters!; February 18, 2013 at 1:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi, I'm finding this blog interesting. I've been doing no contact with a guy since last Sunday. The reason I decided to do no contact is because I noticed that I was the main one initiating texts, calls, etc. Sure he'd text me first every now and then or call if I told him I wanted to be called, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was the main one doing everything and that he was getting lazy. I feel like he likes me, but I also feel like he probably likes other people too(which is fine since we are still just getting to know each other). Anyway in the beginning he pursued me and was very aggressive. And then like an idiot I began pursuing him and then he got lazy. It went something like this: first month he pursues me. Second month I pursue him but he's still overly aggressive and obviously interested. Third month--is equal we both are pursuing each other. Fourth month-I'm the pursuer and I'm not sure if he is as interested or as invested as he was, he's gotten lazy and expects me to do the texting and when I don't he seems upset and gives me one word answers. I want to go back to "month one"(him pursuing me)which is why I did NC. My question is, is it a bad sign that it's been almost 8 days and still no response from him? I mean what's taking him so long to realize that I have not contacted him? Does this mean that he probably doesn't care enough or probably won't ever contact me again? He just seemed so interested... I'm confused lol.; February 18, 2013 at 1:49 PM
Drea said...: Hi I need major advice or input. Okay so I'm 19 n like in college and I'm a sag while the guy I love is a Taurus. Okay so we met in high school and became very close friends. He was sweet always there for me protected me. I felt safe and everything but I have moved around a lot. And we both likex each other n he initiated our relationship. Its been 4 years n I'm sad. I love him like the world but after a few years he changed I felt. We used to talk 3 times a day for 4 years n he'd always call n txt me. Because of long distance I wasn't able to see him in person couple years after our relationship which was recently on new years. He always makes an excuse I feel to y he could never visit me so I did. Our meeting was like even after all the fights n misunderstandings the first thing he did was kiss me. He spent all day with me but when I had to go back home. He said he couldn't see me off cause of work n I...I told him I didn't no when I'll be able to come visit again. Then a month later(the now) no texts no calls its always stop texting me u no I'm at work. But I feel insecure cause he broke up wit me once after our 1st year n when I ignored him he came back admitting that he slept with another girl. That hurt me a lot cause I was saving myself for him. He thinks I have tons of guys round me but I'm loyal n nice n caring. N he pushes mybuttons. He knows so much aabout me I feel like I don't know him. I even bought his anniversary present n he proposed to me a year ago but its like y do u ignore me. It was jus yesterday when u said we have a lifetime to be together. I love him. I want to marry him but I also am far away at college n want to study abroad how coukd I ask himto wait tthat's the worst I could I do. I just want to know how he feels. I just wish he was by my side I never want to lose him. Yea I'm young I got forever but when I'm with him he's the only one where I feel like myself where I can't think straight I get nervous I'm happy I feel connected with him than anyone else. And I'm also honest n always tell how I feel cause even if I lie he can tell.. but he says he doesn't care...n its like I can't stop thinking of him it hurts. I can't imagine being with anyone else I've tried dating others recently but its not him.

What should I do?
How do I get him to let me in and tell me how he feels?
Is it too late to make up this time?; February 18, 2013 at 3:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Ok MOA will do and thank you! This is Anonymous February 16th-12:48. I've search and have not located you response nor my original post which prior to Valentine's Day. I will do another search momentarily because that post would have been under my Google Account and not listed as Anonymous. Will let you know shortly. Thanks again.; February 18, 2013 at 4:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Drea,
Well honey, you can't make a man love you or want a relationship with you. The interest from the man has to be there, you can't snap your fingers and make it appear.

If you really want to know if he's serious or not, use no contact (no response) for 30 days:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

It will help you to detach and become stronger and have more clarity - and it will also tell you his interest level.

If he doesn't make repeated attempts to contact you followed by taking ACTION (not just a bunch of BS words) - then you have your answer and it's time to move on.; February 18, 2013 at 5:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi.. I am a Leo girl and he is Virgo. We both are 30+ and he is 5-6 years older to me. I had a painful breakup with a Virgo which made me stay away from the whole dating game for nearly 10 years! But I fell for this guy and after a month of talking with him I realized he is a Virgo and thought history is trying to repeat itself and I am attracting a wrong guy so for a long time I did not tell him that I have feelings for him, but despite trying really hard to fight my feelings, in a weak moment I gave in and confessed that I love him too. We kept calling and texting each other a lot. After a while he started telling me how he wants things to be more physical between us. I told him not until we are in a committed relationship. He was not happy to hear that. After a few more weeks I started having intimate thoughts too, meeting each other was difficult due to work but over the text/phone I expressed that I feel the same way. Ever since then I feel he is treating me as if I am under his thumb or something!! I am addicted to talking to him and texting him and sooner or later he responds but now if its normal 'hi..whats up text' he now takes a day to get back or will completely ignore it but if I write something related to sex he will reply withing 5 minutes! If he initiates the conversation and I don't reply he gets really frustrated and demands lot of explanations whereas with him the only excuse ever is work, which I know is too much but earlier he used to fit work around me and now he fits me around his free time. I did not sleep with him yet but we plan to sometime soon.

At the moment he has gone on holiday. Its a family gathering, he told me he will try to call but cannot promise I waited for 3-4 days then emailed him, he replied in a day, I replied back in 8 hours then he replied in 3 days then I replied in 2 days, now it has been a day and no reply!
So all worried I came across this article. And now I don't know how to do damage control?
I love this guy. Can I do anything to bring him back on love track, I think he is on sex or no track! And he has started ignoring me (sometimes). Earlier he used to call me by love names, so many of them! but from last 2 months he is just using my nickname! I told him I like love names, but it made no difference! Earlier he used to pull chair and help with overcoat, now he don't.Can I have old him back? Please please please please!!

Thanks for reading.; February 18, 2013 at 5:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AnonymousSD,
"Should I tell his wife?"

Ugh. I don't know, LOL. I mean, having been a wife previously myself, yes, I'd want to know. However, there's a baby here in the mix - and that's the part I'm unsure of.

I doubt he told his wife and if he did, it was only because he got caught I imagine.

I'm sorry, but I really don't know what to say about this one.; February 18, 2013 at 6:41 PM
PiscesSwimmingAway said...: @Drea
Yes, please do the NC. It really works but I would add one thing, when you start it, don't do it with the intention to see where he's coming from, do it with the intention to detach and move on. It works better that way and the urges (believe me, you will get them and will get them in a really bad way) will be easier to control.

If you do it based on his actions, then every day you will be anticipating a response from him. That's not going to be good and will cause you to break NC. But like MOA said, it will reveal a lot about where he stands. And, believe me, unless they have REALLY done you dirty, they always come back. It might take a month, two months, several months or a year but that's not the point. NC is for you to better position yourself emotionally not to encourage him to do or not do anything.

Just know, it gets better and if you have to, you will be able to move on! I know you feel like shit...it comes with the territory but you have to be strong!; February 18, 2013 at 6:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Virgo Pal,
"I am wondering if I should make it clear before I agree that sex is out of the question at the present moment?"

No. Never play your cards or explain yourself up front. It's none of his business to know ahead of time whether or not you intend to sleep with him. Let him work at it.

"I am thinking I should just make my response care free and only accept the date if we agree that its only a drink or whatever and nothing more."

No, don't dictate "terms" of a date or try to tell a man how to date you using words. What you do is, you only accept a date for dinner or a drink. Any invites to his home are a solid "no" on the date. But dinner and drinks, yes, accept that. Go on the date and have a good time. If he invites you back to his place, you simply decline and say you have an early day the next day or make up some sort of excuse.

Don't explain why you're declining or explain yourself. Let HIM figure it out. That's the only thing that will make him THINK - so give him something to think about and save the words and the explanations as they are not necessary and will only be received as a flat out rejection by him.

Keep your cards close to your chest, only accept proper date invitations, decline to go home with him and don't explain why.

He can figure out the rest and THINK about it - and when he does, it may compel him to act differently in the future and with less expectations and more respect.; February 18, 2013 at 6:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 18, 1:49 PM,
"My question is, is it a bad sign that it's been almost 8 days and still no response from him? I mean what's taking him so long to realize that I have not contacted him? Does this mean that he probably doesn't care enough or probably won't ever contact me again?"

No, 8 days is nothing in a man's world, LOL. And he realizes you're not contacting him, believe me. And there's a good chance he's testing you here, so don't fall for that and reach out to him. Stand strong and make him come to you.

Many times, no contact takes one to three months, sometimes even longer to see results. And this is because women and men are different. Women want everything now and they want to keep up the momentum.

Men are completely different. They prefer the journey, the thrill of the chase, and they like to submerse themselves in a woman, then come up for air, submerse themselves, then come up for air. Men need LOTS of time and space, freedom. And it's the freedom that makes them feel manly. They do not move at the same speed as women and women cannot project their wants and needs onto a man.

You can't think like, "Well, he hasn't responded in 8 days. If it were me, I would've responded by now so that must mean it's over."

That's not the way men see it. The way men see it is, "I'm off doing my man stuff and when I'm done with that, I'll talk to her again."

They need the space and time to clear their heads, feel like men, experience freedom and to think.

Men like to miss a woman, to long for her. Men equate "longing" for someone with "love."

And that is a lot of the reason that they pull away. Because when men pull away - they "feel" something. When a woman is up in their face, their not "feeling" anything, they're overwhelmed and most times, looking for an escape route, LOL.

Space gives men time to "feel." And the more space - the more "feeling" for the woman the man is able to do.; February 18, 2013 at 7:02 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

I laughed my axx off last night thinking of your response. You using B's name just told me, "this whole thing was meant to be."

What I mean by that is, I went searching for info because of Scorpio. His behavior kicked my axx. I was devastated. But I believe that things happen for a reason. And very often, the reason is not all about (me) the person caught up in the event. Sometimes it has only a portion or little to do with us, and there is something for someone else to discover or learn, and we are just part of it.

So, my dear, you keep going! I believe in you and what you are doing and I think the message I need to share with you is that you are on the right path... Do not stop. ;)

Update on Virgo: He txt me this AM. I waited 4 hrs to respond (mirorring his 4 hrs yesterday). He was sending me half-axx txts, so i responded, "Don't understand your last txt or Saturdays."

He waited 1.5 hrs and sent a txt> U Ok?

I forwarded my last txt back to him. (I couldn't be bothered with more than forwarding the last txt, and I wanted him to see that).

Virgo> Something wrong

Me> What's wrong? (giving him back his words. I think he is expecting me to go "off" on him... no sweety ain't going to happen.)

Virgo> That was txt

Me> U can call if you like. This is not making sense to me.

So he calls.

He asked what is wrong, and I tell him his texts are not making any sense. He asks what happened last night and why I didn't call him.

I told him, "The phone line goes both ways. I told you I didn't have any power, and then I told you when I did have power. You could have called."

Virgo acted like he didn't get the message. I told him to check them.

Then I said, "You are the man. I am not going to call you."

He seems to understand that clear cut explanation.

We had a wonderful conversation... who knows what will happen. I'm not going to expend my energies worrying about it.

It will be Spring soon... life goes on if we stay in the game.

Hugs to All!; February 18, 2013 at 7:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 18, 5:59 PM,
I think you need to read this piece here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

"I am addicted to talking to him and texting him and sooner or later he responds but now if its normal 'hi..whats up text' he now takes a day to get back or will completely ignore it"

Read this piece also, which discusses masculine (leading) versus feminine (submissive) energy - and why it's not good for a woman to take the lead and/or initiate communication (because when she does, she exhibits masculine energy and men are not attracted to masculine energy):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html

Read the section there titled "gentlemen and tradition" to gain an understanding of the dynamics of masculine versus feminine energy.

I think since you've been taking the lead here (initiating a lot of the communication) it's actually causing him to pull back.; February 18, 2013 at 7:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"So, my dear, you keep going! I believe in you and what you are doing and I think the message I need to share with you is that you are on the right path... Do not stop. ;)"

Thank you for that. It's really funny, but I've been having some of these very same conversations with another about this recently - the synchronistic ways of the universe.

I pay plenty of attention to little universal "green" lights - and lately, I've received plenty, more than you can imagine. (It's getting a little freaky, LOL ;-); February 18, 2013 at 7:16 PM
Anonymous said...: (con't from above) And I thought long and hard about it… why then am I missing a guy that – yeah, he liked me ok. He told his kids and friends about me. He complimented me in every way. He wanted me sexually. He was making future plans with me and it all seemed to be there and I don’t know what happened (except that he disappeared when I mentioned a commitment). I rationalized and said to myself – give him a few months – I scared him away; he’ll be back. But one thing is for sure – he did not go the extra mile to make sure that I wouldn’t find someone else and I did. He could have done any number of things to stay in touch, but he didn’t. It will be 3 months, in a few days, since I’ve last heard from him. Do I really want this guy back, I thought – even if he does circle around? Like in the movie – do I want to be just an option for this guy? To me, the hard cold reality of being someone’s option is more painful than them coming back. It may feel good for a second that they gave me another chance (to my ego), but deep down - I know that he wasn’t that head over heels about me, or he would have never let it go so long. He never did any of these things (that the new guy is doing), although he TALKED a really good talk and kissed REALLY good. Why the heck am I missing this guy?? This is just stupid…

So, slowly but surely I started thinking… I could get used to this feeling. Boy, this really does feel good, I thought. And intuitively, I think this new man knows I’m holding back a bit and he’s stepping up to the plate for me. And suddenly, a shift started to happen… when I found out all what he did for v-day, I started to like him. (smile.)

I want to thank Mirror for giving me the tools to recognizing what a gentleman is and now - and how to handle that gentleman. (I’ll let you guys know how it turns out in the next few weeks, hopefully, months.) I’m sure I will be back asking for more advice and I will be looking in on all of you. Hopefully, I have digested enough here, asked enough and gained insight - not to mess this up….

Most of all, I couldn’t have done this without you – I was soo out of the loop and backwards in time on how men are today. I would have continued to make mistakes and I am so grateful that I came to this blog. I only wish every woman had these tools…

THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart … Wish me luck!

Love,
Lonnie; February 18, 2013 at 8:26 PM
Anonymous said...: PS (from Lonnie) Almost forgot, that commnet from Mirror's post was: A prime example of that is.. in Lonnie's story here. Where the man sent an inappropriate sexual text and got no response from her. Shortly afterwards, and without her saying one word, he apologized.

Might have gone a different way entirely, if I had agreed to get sexual with him, I wonder. Anyway, it turned for the better... and you know the rest of the story...; February 18, 2013 at 8:32 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA,everyone

I love reading all the updates here.This has become my daily thing!

I learn so much about myself through others' stories,through MOA's advice to them,it's just so empowering and I feel stronger everyday.And when I feel anxious or emotional or insecure in the slightest,I come here and I re-read and I let it all sink in.Logic over emotions.

I could not be more grateful for having come across this website.The timing is perfect,not because of some guy or 'the' guy but because I have been on a path of self-awareness for the last year and this just magically blends in all the pieces.

A warm hearted thank you,MOA and more light to us all!XOXO; February 18, 2013 at 8:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Awe ladies, I'm touched. Truly touched. And I'm so happy for you all. So happy to have touched someone's life in a positive way. I'm very thankful for all of you, your strength, your courage, your openness in sharing your stories, you're willingness and desire to grow...as much as we may all spend time discussing negative things that have happened...we're all experiencing positive growth.

Nothing is coincidence ladies. Everything happens for a reason; February 18, 2013 at 9:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi..Leo girl and Virgo man continued.. thanks so much for your response..I don't like that when he is on holiday he is ignoring me. I have read the 2 links and a lot more already. I just want to know how should I react when he lands back in town next week? If he calls me as soon as he lands should I take his call? If he calls me after 3-4 days should I ignore that for 3-4 days and then return his call after my own 3-4 days? I forgot to mention that he gets really mad if I don't return his call same day, whereas he takes anything from 5 seconds to a day to do that!! And tells me he had work!! and weekends he says are for his friends. But some weekends he gets in touch desperately whereas on some he is gone in a black hole no matter what you text him!! How should I behave in this inconsistent pattern? I want him like he was at the start, chasing me and talking about love more than sex! So what should I do when he is back? 2 emails in 15 days in not acceptable!!; February 19, 2013 at 12:25 AM
virgochick said...: Well said Sista'Taurus

Same for me too. I come here to re-evaluate the situations im in thanks to MOA, I dont feel so crazy, this is men and learning to deal with it is very hard for many to come across, so I am counting us very lucky for her input :)

So glad I have found this site more than anyone can imagine. It's helped me stand up for what I deserve and also the rest of us. We will all be happy someday and get what we dreamed of.

Love is a battlefield unfortunately. MOA, never disappear on us LOL.; February 19, 2013 at 4:06 AM
honey said...: @MOA

Hi there,

I wanted your opinion on guys who assume that you want a relationship with them. I went on a few exciting dates with a Gemini man. I know his whole thing (though he never mentioned it-im a scorpio-i kinda researched-don't judge me lol) where he tweeted months before I met him, "i like you but i just dont want a relationship." I know how geminis are about space so I made sure not to always be available, clingy, demanding, or boring. The last time we saw each other it got steamy but no sex. So maybe thats why lol. Hes the type that makes generalizations, ie "all women get emotional after sex" etc. Though he never told me "i like you but i dont want a relationship" he never said that to me, but his disappearance has me wondering...any experiences?; February 19, 2013 at 4:42 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

You can call me Venus.
Really appreciate you are helping out me and so many ladies here. English is not my first language so may be I was unable to put across how desperate I am for help here. And yesterday I just wrote this:
--
Hi.. I am a Leo girl and he is Virgo. We both are 30+ and he is 5-6 years older to me. I had a painful breakup with a Virgo which made me stay away from the whole dating game for nearly 10 years! But I fell for this guy and after a month of talking with him I realized he is a Virgo and thought history is trying to repeat itself and I am attracting a wrong guy so for a long time I did not tell him that I have feelings for him, but despite trying really hard to fight my feelings, in a weak moment I gave in and confessed that I love him too. We kept calling and texting each other a lot. After a while he started telling me how he wants things to be more physical between us. I told him not until we are in a committed relationship. He was not happy to hear that. After a few more weeks I started having intimate thoughts too, meeting each other was difficult due to work but over the text/phone I expressed that I feel the same way. Ever since then I feel he is treating me as if I am under his thumb or something!! I am addicted to talking to him and texting him and sooner or later he responds but now if its normal 'hi..whats up text' he now takes a day to get back or will completely ignore it but if I write something related to sex he will reply withing 5 minutes! If he initiates the conversation and I don't reply he gets really frustrated and demands lot of explanations whereas with him the only excuse ever is work, which I know is too much but earlier he used to fit work around me and now he fits me around his free time. I did not sleep with him yet but we plan to sometime soon.
--
I have gone through disappear/reappear and 'no contact' articles more than once and have read quite a lot of stories and suggestions. I have absorbed everything but a few things backfire on me. e.g. if I go no contact, he asks me whats wrong and if I tell him I was busy he asks me all about it and a lot of times I end up making things up. It frustrates him if I mirror his response time because I used to work part time in the evening whereas he was always super busy with work all day, but while at work he like getting my text but could not respond to them (as he tells me). I do not want him to get so frustrated that he loses interests, I think he likes all the attention he gets from me.
At the moment he is on holiday for 15days out of which 12 days have passed. Its a family gathering, he told me he will try to call but cannot promise I waited for 3-4 days then emailed him, he replied in a day, I replied back in 8 hours then he replied in 3 days then I replied in 2 days, now it has been a day and no reply! I was hoping on V-Day he will call me but he did not so I thought may be he don't believe in all this and its just a normal day for him, but next day he emailed wishing ..happy v-day and what did you do?..I was very upset that the message came a day late...I thought it was important that he knows it bothered me so I replied after 2 days that ..'how are you and that I was hoping you would call or send this message on v-day..did something kept you busy? and I think about you and I miss you' message..this was 2 days back and I dont have any replies!!
I worry that I will play some mind games incorrectly and it will backfire on me. He will be back from holiday on friday. If he texts/calls me as soon as he lands should I take his call or disappear on him for few days? And if he goes missing throughout the weekend then what should I do? Our talks were getting a bit too much sex oriented, and now we have had 15 days of break should I take this opportunity step back and discourage such conversations? And in all this does it matters that I am a Leo and he is a Virgo?
Please ‘hand hold’ help me here Mirror guide me through a bit! Thanks so so much in advance!
Venus; February 19, 2013 at 10:20 AM
Alana said...: Sorry, a bit late to the table here but I just want to echo everyone's sentiments on how MOA touched our lives - she is a superstar!

-Alana; February 19, 2013 at 1:17 PM
Unknown said...: Wow, its totally refreshing to find something that finally speaks to you. I met a man last year(he is Cancer and I am Scorpio)He was very eagar to keep in touch. He is older and has his own business so always busy. Anyway, he invited me over to his place and I felt a deep chemistry(same things in common,grew up in the same country yada yada) I really got tired of the "Pretty Woman"references because I made it clear to him that I liked him for reasons other than his econ stats.I digress. He was very eagar to sleep with me and I regretfully did give in. Ever since then, we started to meet less often(he says he is overwhlemed with work and things are going on in his company)We barely saw each other for the summer(he keeps making plans and cancelling and also barely ever calling--as he once did in the beginning)However, we met at some point again in October and everything was fine.He planned to meet me and take me out for my birthday which was a month later.But he was in Punta Cana on a resort when I called him two weeks prior to my birthday. I thought he was going on a business trip. Then one day before my birthday he said"Hi baby I am delayed and still not back in town. What are you doing for your birthday. I wasnt sure we were meeting but next week looks better xoxo"I got very angry and told him he confirmed to meet on the 20th and send him alot of emotional texts and calls. He finally told me"sorry I am just burntout, I will call you tomorrow, happy birthday".But he never called and I continued my emotional outbursts until a week later he said"As I mentioned I am burntout and that he is going through something that will take months and is even isolated from friends and family.I tried to understand so now its Feb and the last time I heard from him was on New Years he texted me saying "Happy New Year, miss you and love you baby"What should I do at this point. I did message him quite a bit since then asking for a proper explanation or at least a call, the last time I texted him was on Feb.14 to wish him a Happy Valentines Day. Is this his cowardly way of letting me go? Or do you think he is serious about these obligations? I am really confused at this point.; February 19, 2013 at 1:54 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: I miss him terribly today.Every cell in my body is screaming to say something but my brain is stopping me.What an internal struggle,I feel like throwing up,just to get over it.

This doesn't feel good :( My friend is telling me to go on and speak my heart/mind out cause this just isn't like me.As tempting as that sounds,I know it would probably do more damage as it will set me up for expectations.Plus,that never worked before.

Choking,literally,if he rang my phone right now I'd probably have a heart attack :( @low days; February 19, 2013 at 2:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Aphrodite,

I posted the anonymous comment yesterday at 1:49 PM. Thank you for responding. So does it mean that this guy really isn't as into me as he said he was if it's been 8 days and he hasnt reached out? I know you said that men operate in different timeframes from women(which from what you describe and my experiences with men IS true lol) but do they also operate differently when it comes to how they feel and act it out? For instance for me not talking to the guy I like for over a week hurts me because I really like him and because of this I wouldn't go so long without contacting him, so in my eye the fact that he could go so long without contacting me makes all the "sweet" things he told me seem like lies. He always talks about how he doesn't want anyone but me, and how he really likes me, I can ask him anything, tell him anything, he loves spending time with me etc. But if this is the case then how could he go so long without talking to me. that's what I'm not getting--how a guy could not to talk a girl for a long time if he was really into her?; February 19, 2013 at 4:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, I really appreciate your insight into male psychology and being straight up with me, even when it's something I don't want to hear. I'm learning so so much from you, thank YOU and for having a safe place for us to share all our stories. :-)))

To clarify - this Libra fellow has made more than 1-2 attempts. It's about 5 attempts now (haha okay not much more) over the past 2.5 months, but you're right that:

"A man that is genuinely interested will still return to try to receive a firm answer on that. A man that is genuinely interested will attempt to "win" the woman over."

He hasn't come back to win me over, nor try to figure out what went wrong. It's still sweet talk, which makes me think, I haven't given him enough time to think and realize where he fucked up.

Also, I found out something (below), and it makes me not want to talk to this guy EVER again - even if he comes back trying to fix things between us.

I found out Libra Guy was BACK on the dating site for at least the past 4 days, logging on multiple times per day like he did when he first messaged me.

To recap: Libra Guy was official with the girl since mid-December. It's only been about 2 months since they were official.. and he's already back on the site. WHAT ON EARTH?

I can't tell if they broke up or not, because she's just as chirpy and happy as usual... or perhaps she dumped him, or he checked out of the relationship. Still, it's too soon.

I'm cracking up at an earlier comment you made saying they were definitely not riding into the sunset!

I'm still keeping tabs on them out of curiosity, but romantically, I just can't date this guy again even when I move to his city. Not only does he reek of insecurity, he also seems desperate to me.

Urgh, this makes me all so sad (we had insane chemistry), but a desperate lawyer is a major turnoff.

Anyways - time to move on, and stop bugging you about this lame dude. :-P

Oh, there was another thing I've been wondering...

What's more effective in making a guy realize what he lost and miss you:

1) Blocking him from finding out anything about what you've been up to so he'll keep wondering -or-
2) Giving him access to seeing social media updates/pictures of you enjoying your life, flirting, and having a good time without him?

(Assuming NO contact whatsoever in both cases.)

Thanks again lady!
- Vivian; February 19, 2013 at 5:38 PM
Anonymous said...: @sista'Taurus

I know, going through the same thing. But trust me its worth it. I think we all have those days, but the rest of the time we are glad that we are doing the right thing. So dont let today ruin what you have done so far. I made that mistake and it drove him further away. As MOA said, youll only know if he wants you if he comes to you.; February 19, 2013 at 8:06 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ sista'Taurus,

Breath, girl breath... hold on tight to your knowledge that you deserve to be treated well, you deserve to be adored and loved by a gentleman. And to get there is work... the darkest moments are our strongest work... when we get thru that, our foundation is strong for when the light shines again.

Every new day brings the dawn... hold on and do not react to your fears. Whatever triggered the fears, put them on hold. Push them aside for now, and be confident you are on the right path to a healthy future.

I have the same panic attacks, you can see them and feel them, they lurk around the corner and grab hold... just push them away and step aside for a time until you feel strong again.

You ARE stronger than those fears.; February 19, 2013 at 9:02 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi,

I don't know if you got the message I sent earlier. But basically I'm the one who posted about the guy who hasn't contacted me in 8 days(I haven't contacted him either). You explained that guys have different time frames from women so 8 days may not feel the same way to a woman as it does to a man. Which based on my experiences is true. But as a woman if I'm really into someone I would never go "too" long without talking to that specific person. So is it a bad sign(or does it mean he isn't that in to me) if he can go more than a week without reaching out to me. He always talks about how much he likes me, etc. I admit I got clingy the last few times we spoke, and that I was pursuing him--all of this probably turned him off. But the last time I didn't contact him for only 5 days he sent me a text asking what was going on. The fact that it's been 9 days and I haven't heard from him makes me wonder if he really is as interested in me as he says he is. Does the amount of time a man takes to respond after being in NC have to do with how much he feels for a woman? (i.e the more he feels the quicker he'll notice, the less he feels the more time it takes--if at all--to notice)

Thanks; February 19, 2013 at 11:24 PM
virgochick said...: Yep, I have my low days where I want to run to him and blurt every single feeling I have for him thinking he will just magically come good...yeah no. I even want to cry to him and tell him he has just disappointed me heaps..

Then I tell myself I want a man to work for me because otherwise I will never actually be convinced he wants to be with me, and hence I'll be the one who's insecure (I hate that where your world is constant negativity). I don't want to question everything he may say and analyse the heck out of it anymore.. just want to be even and happy :)

It's a battle between the head and the heart for sure...it will make us stronger I believe that.; February 20, 2013 at 7:07 AM
chk61 said...: I read this article with interest...recently dated a man (6 years younger, I'm 51 - he's 45) for about two months although after the first month, admittedly he started the "slow fade". The connection we had seemed rare, effortles and unusually passionate (at least to me). By date 5, we had fooled around a lot but no actual "sex". I had not dated or met anyone I liked in LONG time.

It's been three weeks since our last date. I may have already blown it as I emailed him (the first time I initiated anything) a week after our last date. He had told me about a personal situation that was putting him out of a commission for a week and a week alter I mailed him, sort of saying hi/checking in. We email bantered for a bit and then he disappeared. Stupidly - I emailed him again a week later. Same thing, he replied once and then again disappeared.

I'm not going to email him 'or contact him in any away again but I'm afraid Ive already blown it by sticking my neck out twice...and another week has gone by. I guess I got my answer and I wondered if I had not initiated AT ALL (but we had had five dates and I'm a mature adult woman - what the hell?) if I would be in a different place right now...it's annoying now passive a woman has to be in dating when in every other area of life, in order to survive, we must be assertive and get things done. But in dating, we must be passive and do nothing. *sigh*

If he does contact me again (and originally I thought he would but now I'm doubtful..it's been 10 days since our last emailing) I will not email him back for several days, that I am quite sure of. He won't call, this 45 y.o. divorced father of two apparently doesn't know how to pick up the phone. He usually emailed or sent texts.

The weird thing is we had such a great time on or last date, he was flirty and romantic, holding my hand and caressing it, once gently kissing my hand, putting his arm around me. The evening was fun and ended with some pretty wonderful passionate stuff (thankfully, no actual "sex") And then, to disappear - poof. Perhaps he was doing this same thing with someone else and decided she was a better prospect.; February 20, 2013 at 7:24 AM
Anonymous said...: It's awfully tough not to express the hurt and disappointment that some of these men have caused us to feel. Being women we want to get on the phone and get to the bottom of the situation ASAP. However, we have to be patient and not think with our emotions because it drives men crazy. The person who is making all the effort is usually the one without the significant power in the relationship. When you are calling him, he has all the control because he now decides whether he wants to pick up or respond.When I first met the guy who "disappeared" on me he was calling me every week, and sometimes I could even predict the day/time he would. Then as soon as he "got" me I started to chase him. That's where the game really started though!

I think it was my lack of patience in addition to his emotional unavailability that initially drove my reappearing disappearing man away. I called him, I screamed at him, I threatened to replace him with someone else if he didn't give me the commitment I wanted ( even though we were dating for barely 2 months). You can't do that to them. I learned that the hard way. Men don't want you to do everything for them or tell them what to do. Now that my guy has reappeared, I have stepped back significantly. I'm now waiting to see if he will step up and be the man I that I know he is. I have not texted or called him, and suddenly he is asking me about my plans for the weekend. Crazy right? The same man who ignored me is now texting me from work ( which is very different for him)early in the week about what I am doing over the weekend. I've opened the door for him, and if he doesn't walk through, it will be closed by me! If/when I see or talk to him again, I promised myself I will have to leave the past in the past. I def won't forget because my eyes are definitely wide open, but I won't remind him because deep down I know they get it.; February 20, 2013 at 10:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi I am Sandy, dating a Virgo man. I came across this forum and love the whole information packed site. I wish I had known earlier, but I never needed all this before so that's why I did not look out for it :)

I understand the rubber band theory and scarcity principle but my question is what do we do after 2-3 days or 30 days of going quite. Do we still talk about love?

I am trying to make this Virgo guy to propose me for a serious relationship. He at the moment is gone to see his parents from last one week. On 12th he sent me a text asking..whats up..I replied next day because I was really busy and then one on 15th wishing me valentine day, and asking what I did without him? I replied...are you not a bit late?...I have no response. He is due to be back tomorrow. Should I disappear on him for 3-4 days, ignore his calls and texts, if any? And then ask how are you..after 3 days? And if he never gets in touch then should I stay quite? Or should I initiate call and check on him when he is back in town? We are officially in love but too soon for commitment. Soon for him, but I am ready and waiting for the ring..I have told him that (because I never knew I shouldn't)..he did not pull back but it did had some unwanted impact. I must reverse that but how?; February 20, 2013 at 11:32 AM
Anonymous said...: hey aphrodite i am aquarius girl 27 and myguy is sagittarious 32 well he isnt my guy anymore i have officially been pushed in the friend zone! i have done everything that you are not suppose to do i panicked i walked away i showed weak emotion i expressed my feelings i have let him take advantage of my emotions. its sad but heres the thing i am business smart and spiritual these are the things i guess that he holds onto he was raised in the church, however hes a sex aholic we started talking backin aug2012 and we have been through the most he is still in touch with his ex that live in florida, (we live in atlanta) he saytheyare so coolwith eachother i ask him why they are not together and he said because she liveout oftown and it wont work..i wonder why he doesnt just move her here? i asked him that as well and try to jump to the next topic and he kept going back to it. um the last time we had sex was new years and now he doesnt want to have sex with me he says that sex isnt fun anymore and that it complicates things. then he says that hes not ready for a relationship cas he losthis business and he cant provide, this i respected cas a man has to be able to provide protect and teach. he says that he loves and also that he wants to be friends he said we have to be friends before we do anything else this is agreed with as well he said that hes looking for a wife. then he tells me that i will make a great wife. my bday was vday he got me a card that was dirrected towards friendship. i in return got him a card as well when i gave him the card he was like uhh under his breath i think he thought it was gonna be lovey dovey but it was a friendship card like his card. i also texted him what are requirements he demand ina good wife? he responded then later on that day he asked me out to lunch at lunch i told at lunch that i had asked several men what qualities they want in a wife because i didnt want him tothink im still trippin off him.. we walked the park he put his jacket around me he kissed me on my neck on my lips but nothing to much. basically we went from bumping and grinding to no bumping and grinding and im in the friend zone, i understand he lost his car his crib and his business all in the same month but how does this explain his ability to hit the club and go everywere else but no time for me? i feel played and i stopped calling him and texting him cas i dont wanna seem clingy or needy but i just cant put my finger on this guy he talks about my tight pants my workout clothes. i tightened that up. for the most part ima coo chick but he also hit me with the its not u its me..lol i feel like ok u wanna be friends i respect that but at the same time i dont know what he on and i feel like if i fuck someone else im wrong this dude kinda got me fucked up!! the good thing is he always come back so we never lose contact but how do i turn it up a notch to make a little mystery? help me i know your a real chick so you can be all the way honest i can accept constructive critism thanx girl!!; February 20, 2013 at 11:35 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Gemini50,virgochick,anonymous

Aww ladies,thank you so much for your encouraging words.It feels good to know that I am not alone in this.

I'm trying my best,you are spot on Gemini when you tell me to put on hold whatever triggered the fears.I was doing so well,he reached out twice,I ignored it only to resurface 5 days later myself.Apparently,I did not consider myself worthy of more than 2 attempts,worthy of his undivided attention.

But now I know better,I can identify my fears and keep them under control.I'll focus on the end result.

Thank you and more power to us all!; February 20, 2013 at 1:10 PM
ItsConfusing said...: The comments on this article are kind of interesting. It's basically the author re-telling the readers to do exactly what she told them to do in the article!! Still they ask: Should I text him? :) Could it be that women just don't want to do it? Plus, the article kind of contradicts itself by telling women not to ever let a man know what they are thinking but also be yourself, state your opinions, have fun, be spontaneous, but plan out all your moves and strategies - huh? The author says test the man and see if he has a history of disappearing but says all men do the disappearing act (pull back) when they are emotionally scared. So which is it? *shrugs* I don't think women are responsible for the emotional hang ups of men who don't know how to connect and I certainly wouldn't waste my time with a man who is showing me (very clearly I might add) that he doesn't want me. I'd rather spend valuable time getting to know someone who actually likes me just like I am. Why bend yourself into a pretzel for some loser? I wish more women knew that they could actually be themselves and find a man who appreciates it. Don't think articles like this help at all, but that's just me.; February 20, 2013 at 1:40 PM
Anonymous said...: What a load of tripe. Get a life, be who you are, and forget all this rubbish about how to do such and such to get a man interested. Goodness! Don't pander to this over-analytical nonsense. The men that act this way are not worth worrying about. There are different men out there from this - yawn - stereotyped, over-used depiction of how men think! Perhaps these types are just disrespectful, and you are better off finding someone who does make you feel good, (and yes, it's ok to expect someone else to make you feel good when you are together). There! That's my tuppence worth!!; February 20, 2013 at 3:04 PM
Texan Girl said...: I am really feeling your struggle, ladies, because I'm right there. I got a text on Monday from my Taurus guy (who I have been NC since Feb 15th) and I am trying to stay strong and not respond. I used to respond to all his inconsequential texts starting in December (when he reappeared after a little over month disappearing act) and he hasn't asked me out since he reappeared! Just constant texts about trivial stuff.

It finally clicked (many thanks to MOA and all you ladies who have shared your stories) that this is not good enough for me and I need to move on. I am just realizing it's only been 5 days lol WTF. Feels like an eternity.

The little voice inside my head (the one that tries to rationalize bad treatment, that is) keeps saying "if you ignore him, he will think you are not interested." BUT I know better now and I am trying to stay strong.; February 20, 2013 at 3:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Going through an interesting situation. Talked to the guy on the phone (Fantastic phone conversing going on). We agreed in regards to going on a first date w/ some mutual friends. He said he'd call our mutual friend to set it up and that he'd call me the next day & never did. He also mentioned that he was getting sick (was true: could hear his voice actually going out) and that he had to work all weekend, so we would have to play it by ear. Needlless to say, he never called. About a week later he leaves me some facebook comment that had nothing to do w/ the fact that he never called me. I thought I'd feel this out, so I sent him a message just saying that I hope he's feeling better. We messaged each other back and forth a little more, then he left me hanging AGAIN!! Yet no phone call @ this point. So, I kept thinking about the situation, I felt like I was being disrespected, thought about how obviously he's been watching what I do on facebook due to the nonchalant comments and likes here and there, got really PO'ed, and deleted his butt from my page. I know it seems a little unconventional, but my thought was if you blow me off, then you have no business watching who I'm conversing w/ & knowning when I'm home(use facebook for a lot of business contacts, etc), plus I'm going to give the duncecap all the space he can stand.
Then I read this article today. My question, I guess, is if I might have gone just a little too far on the whole girl disappearing act in regards to facebook deletion? I mean, I did really like the guy, but my attitude is also that I do not tolerate being treated like a door mat. Honestly, I kind of feel good, like I just got the last say in this situation. I guess I'm just hoping that whether or not I hear from this dude again, I want the last word w/ my integrity still intact.; February 20, 2013 at 4:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 19, 12:25 AM,
"So what should I do when he is back?"

I don't remember what the original story was here but I believe this calls for no contact (no response) for 30 days:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

He's treating you poorly and ignorantly:

1) I forgot to mention that he gets really mad if I don't return his call same day, whereas he takes anything from 5 seconds to a day to do that!!

2) and weekends he says are for his friends. But some weekends he gets in touch desperately whereas on some he is gone in a black hole no matter what you text him!!

3) 2 emails in 15 days

He's taking you for granted and treating you poorly. You need to set boundaries and make him miss you in order to realize he may possibly have real feelings for you here.

And the only way a man can miss you is if you disappear.; February 20, 2013 at 5:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Honey,
Well if he's disappearing, then that means when he returns, you mirror his behavior. You stay pulled back as you have been and if he takes a week to contact you, you take a week to respond, etc.

But it appears to me that this man enjoys casual dating and is not looking for a relationship so I wouldn't expect one to develop with him as he's not open to one.; February 20, 2013 at 5:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
"I do not want him to get so frustrated that he loses interests"

A man that is genuinely interested will be more understanding, less demanding and he will try harder (to compromise). A selfish, immature man that is only half interested (in sex and forcing his will) will behave in frustrated ways.

"I worry that I will play some mind games incorrectly and it will backfire on me."

This isn't mind games, sweetie. This is about standing up for yourself and not cowering to a man's will and rolling over to become his doormat. If you take a stance and stand up for yourself and don't let him push you around or manipulate you and he leaves - then he wasn't a man worth being with anyway.

That's how you find out if a man is genuinely interested and if he's worthy of your attention. If he steps up, he is. If he leaves, he isn't. So if he leaves, you have your answer.

Honestly, he sounds very ignorant to you. He's taking you for granted and treating you very poorly here. If I were you, I'd use no contact (and no response) and disappear on him:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

Men can only treat you as poorly as you permit them to.; February 20, 2013 at 5:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Veronica Youssef,
"What should I do at this point."

Nothing, or you risk the pain of further rejection and more effort on your behalf will only push him further away.

You can't make a man love you or want to be in a relationship with you. A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out. A man that is interested will call, he will ask you out on dates, he will do special, nice things for you, he will want to communicate with you.

A man that isn't doing any of those things isn't interested dear :-(

Let this one go and move on with your life.; February 20, 2013 at 5:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 19, 4:07 PM,
"So does it mean that this guy really isn't as into me as he said he was if it's been 8 days and he hasnt reached out?"

Not necessarily. He may be uninterested or he may have simply needed time and space to himself to think and process his emotions.

"do they also operate differently when it comes to how they feel and act it out?"

Absolutely.

"For instance for me not talking to the guy I like for over a week hurts me because I really like him and because of this I wouldn't go so long without contacting him"

Yes, but that's because you're a woman. That's how women feel - men do not feel that way or have those needs for constant communication that women have. You can't project your wishes and desires onto a man. Men are completely different from women - the LIKE TO MISS A WOMAN.

"But if this is the case then how could he go so long without talking to me. that's what I'm not getting--how a guy could not to talk a girl for a long time if he was really into her?"

I believe I explained that in my first response to you - reread it. I explained to you how the male process of "connection" works and how men like to miss a woman and how men need space. Reread the response and try to understand that a man's needs are completely different from a woman's.

When men are given space, they "feel" for a woman. They need the space and if a woman won't readily give it to them - they'll take it.; February 20, 2013 at 5:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
"1) Blocking him from finding out anything about what you've been up to so he'll keep wondering -or-

2) Giving him access to seeing social media updates/pictures of you enjoying your life, flirting, and having a good time without him?"

Well, I suppose there's support for either one of those having an effect. As for me, if I want to keep the door open, I won't make a move that gives away that I'm upset (such as blocking).

But if I don't care, I block and move on, LOL ;-)

It also depends, for me, on how poorly the man behaved. If he was really ignorant, block and move on. If he was a nice guy and just seemed undecided, I leave it be.; February 20, 2013 at 5:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"But in dating, we must be passive and do nothing. *sigh*"

LOL, I know it seems that way dear, I know it seems passive - but you're missing the "magic" here.

By doing NOTHING - you're actually doing A LOT. Doing nothing actually gives you a bit of control over the situation - meaning, doing nothing, while it seems pointless to women, actually means a lot to a man.

Men understand and compute the language of silence - THEY HEAR IT.

It's all the nagging and emotional displays that they TUNE OUT AND NEVER TRULY HEAR ;-)

Read through the testimonies here in the comments from other women, particularly the stories shared in the last 4 weeks or so and you will see the magic of silence at work, LOL.; February 20, 2013 at 5:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ItsConfusing,
"by telling women not to ever let a man know what they are thinking but also be yourself, state your opinions, have fun, be spontaneous, but plan out all your moves and strategies - huh?"

You don't let a man know what you're thinking in overly emotional terms, as many women tend to do. You state your opinions clearly, briefly and in a very non-emotional matter of fact tone.

And yes, it's possible to still use your brain while being spontaneous and fun. I mean, we can all walk and chew bubble gum at the same time, right, LOL??

"The author says test the man and see if he has a history of disappearing but says all men do the disappearing act (pull back) when they are emotionally scared."

Yes, you can expect all men to pull back at some point in the relationship, to come up for air - that's normal - and those men return shortly thereafter.

The difference is when a man has this pattern and he doesn't not return shortly after - but rather - he's a "hit and run" type of man.

(JUST AN FYI LADIES, I'm expecting more comments like this (that pick me apart) to come through, LOL. I know whose behind them (an emotionally unstable, insecure, manipulative, controlling individual that enjoys pushing folks buttons for personal amusement. Sad, I know. But enjoy the freak show ;-); February 20, 2013 at 6:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Anonymous Feb 20, 3:04 PM.
Another one, ladies - and at this point, I'm not even going to respond this behavior is so childish and immature - It started on the male Aries post last night. This crew isn't too bright, LOL ;-)

As I said, for now, just enjoy the freak show.; February 20, 2013 at 6:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Does all this works with a married man as well? I have been dating one for 3 months. He says that he wants to split up with his wife anyway but now he feels he wants to marry me. I told him no commitment = no sex! I want him to seriously think about me.; February 20, 2013 at 6:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sandy,
"Do we still talk about love?"

Only if talk of love or emotions is brought up by the man first. Once he's cracked that door open, you can begin to slowly step through it.

"Should I disappear on him for 3-4 days, ignore his calls and texts, if any? And then ask how are you..after 3 days? And if he never gets in touch then should I stay quite? Or should I initiate call and check on him when he is back in town?"

Yes, I would ignore his call for a few days and if he never gets in touch - DO NOT contact him. It will only push him further away. Let HIM come to YOU.

A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out. One that is not won't.

"We are officially in love but too soon for commitment."

That makes no sense. Commitment should follow love. Red flag there.

"I must reverse that but how? "

You can't. You cannot control another individual. All you can do is control your reaction. You cannot make a man love your or want to be with you. A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out. One that is not won't.; February 20, 2013 at 6:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 20, 11:35 AM,
"how do i turn it up a notch to make a little mystery? help me i know your a real chick so you can be all the way honest i can accept constructive critism thanx girl!! "

Well, you can't make a man love you or want to be with you so there's no guarantee, but you can try no contact to see if the absence makes him realize he has feelings for you that compel him to take action:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html; February 20, 2013 at 6:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 20, 4:51 PM,
"Honestly, I kind of feel good"

Then that's all that matters, sweetie :-)

"I guess I'm just hoping that whether or not I hear from this dude again"

It's possible, if you don't contact him. Nothing is a guarantee, but approximately 90% of these men return, LOL ;-); February 20, 2013 at 6:27 PM
Liz said...: Is it normal for my boyfriend's ex to message him on FB? They have been messaging for over 2 years. She mostly initiates, he has, but hardly ever at all. We were out drinking one night, we came back, he passed out. His browser was open, I went on his computer, and there it was.

He dumped her 6 years ago. They dated for 1 year; she was crushed. I have been dating him for the past 3 months. His sisters and friends believe she still loves him, but he is not sure. He has stayed friends with some of his ex's, which I don't mind, with the exception of this one. Because she likely still has feelings for him, and because he is now dating me, I feel it is inappropriate for her to behave in this way. I saw the messages. She's saying his pic is sexy. He called her baby once, she called him baby once, as well. She sends him movies, songs, jokes, videos of her family. Sending each other happy birthday messages, Christmas, New Year's too. But no actual "Can I see you?", or asking each other's phone numbers, or anything like that, but still... What do you think? I don't care if they talk, just as long as she doesn't be secretive about it.; February 20, 2013 at 11:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi, First I really enjoyed most of your posts! awesome insights!
Here I need your advice. (sorry if there is any grammar errors...)
I met this guy through my friend. After we all hung out (the first time I ever met him), it took him 2 days to ask me "to hang out".
It was dinner (he paid for me) and drinks (I insisted to pay). It was good and I thought we had a good connection but wasn't sure whether it was a date or not. no kisses.
Then next day, he asked me if I want to hang out with him and other friends (include my friend there too)at the concert that was happening on that weekend. I was all excited...but then it turned out "just hang out" with bunch of people. (He even didn't meet me up before hung out, I had to ask my friend to figure out where to meet...ugh). My friend told me that how excited he was about out date the night before, and she was so sure that he was into me (also her bf asked me personally if I was interested in him, saying that he is a shy guy). So I started to get confused...cuz all the signs I got from my friends were "he is into you", but then I could not directly get it from himself.
That night, we ended up kissing..
(and I had sex with him when we hung out 3rd time).
Since then, he asked me to hang out with him and his friends, but he never text me during the day asking how I was doing. it was more like he text me to see what I am up to, and just throw things like "Hey, I have *** things this weekend, do you wanna come? if you are interested "
He never asked me out for a date or dinner since the first time hang out.
So I got into the position where I am all confused..if we are dating or he is just enjoying casual sex and hang-out.
It seems like he enjoys my company but does not show any affectionate behavior in front of his friends when we hang out together.
Is he ever interested in me? or he is just using me? I am obviously developing feeling toward him and afraid of him rejecting me.
Should I drop him here and stop responding whenever he asks me to hang out?
I am all confused...
Help me, please!
Thanks; February 21, 2013 at 1:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Liz,
Well, the frequency of it seems a tad inappropriate to me. The conversation itself seems acceptable, but the level of communication, the frequency with which it takes place, seems a bit much to me.

This is a tough one because clearly, it's not sitting well with you. However, if you become confrontational over it with him, he may react in a negative way and it might even have the opposite effect and make him speak to her even more.

It's not inappropriate that they speak but the thing is, if it's daily, that's a bit much seen as how he is currently involved with someone right now.

At this point however, I don't think this is worth mentioning to him. Tuck this away for right now and wait for a proper time and opportunity to casually bring it up. And when you do, do not express any anger or frustration over it. Simply communicate clearly and in a brief manner about it informing him that it makes you a bit uncomfortable.

But like I said, I don't think now is the time. It's a bit too soon in the relationship and he hasn't done anything wrong here, as you've seen. So don't let your insecurities steer the wheel. Wait for a future date and time when the opportunity comes up (like if he mentions her someday) and then mention it briefly to him in a manner that simply informs him that you're a bit uncomfortable with it.

If he's a mature man, he should be able to accept that. If he is immature, he may react differently.; February 21, 2013 at 8:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 21, 1:29 AM,
I wouldn't stop seeing him at this point. I think what I would do is I'd begin to set some boundaries to signal to him how I expect to be treated.

For instance, when he says this:

"Hey, I have *** things this weekend, do you wanna come? if you are interested "

I think I'd respond with some like this:

"Sure, that sounds like fun. How about we go to dinner first? Is there a nice place to go around there?"

That way, you're agreeing to go and you're signaling to him what you'd like to do that evening. If he says, "No, I don't want to go to dinner." Then you respond with, "Okay, let me get back to you on it tomorrow."

And you leave him with that thought, let him think about it. Men aren't stupid and he'll put two and two together if you only accept date proposals that are formal dates and you refuse to accept date proposals that are not.; February 21, 2013 at 8:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi,
Very glad I found your site, lots of good advices!
Can you help me with my situation please?
I met a guy and we had an instant attraction to each other. He was in a relationship and after flirting with me he politely refused me to go further. Time passed, we chatted a bit from time to time than he contacted me and we started talking for a few days. Only sexting if I may call it like this. And a week later he disappeared. What should I do when he contacts me again? I sent him a message of congratulations a few days ago and he just answered thank you sexy.
For sure he'll contact when he is bored or something to see if I'm still there to play with.
Thank you; February 21, 2013 at 9:28 AM
Leo Love said...: OMG!! I've found you Aphrodite!! This is Leo Love from "Confused by a Taurus Man"!! Well thanks to your advice me and my Taurus Man are doing amazing! Ladies, listen to Aphrodite Bull's advice and if you follow her advice and your heart you will come out on top!! always!

Stay beautiful and strong!

Leo Love; February 21, 2013 at 10:57 AM
Anonymous said...: It's difficult doing this no contact thing, sometimes I feel so tempted to call him to see if he's still interested. I feel like I made so many mistakes--being overly sexual in texts, sending too many texts, issuing ultimatums, being too emotional, etc. It's no wonder that after my last text(11 days ago) he hasn't attempted to contact me. I'm actually surprised he hasn't.. This is the longest we've ever went without talking. He would always notice and initiate contact in the past(when I would do NC) but this time still no contact from him(it's been 11 days). I feel stupid and like maybe I pushed him away for good and that's why he hasn't reached out yet. Oh well.; February 21, 2013 at 1:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous, Feb. 21, 9:28,
You should cease speaking with him. He's already passed you over as a potential girlfriend and he's only using you to boost his ego with sexting :-(

Don't permit yourself to be used...cut him loose.; February 21, 2013 at 2:41 PM
Anonymous said...: hey aphrodite! this is anonymous Feb 20 11:35.. (aquagirl27,sag32) so anyhow i have been putting the behavorial mirroring in effect for the last couple days... my question is simple its been 6 months, we are supposedly "just friends" but we kiss hug hold hands but nothing sexual by his decision he say he dont want to hurt me anymore then he has and he loves me blah blah, but he cant provide for me. ok so should i just keep behavioral mirroring or should i go cold turkey? i mean its been 6 months i cant decipher which is appropiate? however i read your post about silence its been working everytime i mirror him and then he calls and i respond i can tell he be ready for me to explain why i didnt answer or what i been doing and why he hasnt been aswering and what he been doing but i been keeping it light and fluffy and when he iniate text then i respond then he takes 4 hours to respond i take 4 hours to respond then after 10:00 pm i dont answer my phone for anyone except friends and family cas thats booty call hours, so i end up responding to him the next day if i remember but he has been texting me first before i can respond. so any additional advice is helpful thanks!; February 21, 2013 at 9:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 21, 9:27 PM,
Well, honestly honey, this isn't good:

"but he cant provide for me."

And I'm not saying that because I think he's broke or something, LOL. I'm saying that because it signifies a man that's being very honest in the fact that he doesn't feel like he can be what you need and deserve.

And as a result, he's not going to use you or become involved in a relationship. Truthfully dear, that signifies respect from him towards you.

It's been 6 months and he's not moved into a relationship with you. Additionally, he's admitted that one of the reasons for that is that for whatever reason, he doesn't feel he can fulfill your needs.

If it hasn't happened in 6 months, I'm sorry sweetie, but I don't think it's going to. You can remain friends here if you like, but if I were you, I'd expect nothing more to come of it.

I'd start dating others and I'd move on, keeping him as a friend if you like because he's been respectful and honest. But don't waste precious years of your life waiting for a man to decide he wants to be with you. Six months is plenty of time for him to decide and if he doesn't have those feelings within that time frame - it's time to move on dear :-(; February 22, 2013 at 8:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

It's Venus here.

He is back and he called me from the plane itself. I guess the moment he switched on his phone. I missed his call cause I was busy. Should I still go 'no contact' for 30 days? Or return his call? I am not happy that he was out of touch, but he did tell me before leaving that he will be. Not sure! Don't want to act immature! I will anyway wait for your response and won't get back to him till you suggest what to do.

Thanks,
Venus; February 22, 2013 at 10:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
If you want more respect and consistency from him and for him to cease taking you for granted, if it were me, I'd use no contact here to compel him to man up....or leave.

Ultimately however, the decision is yours.; February 22, 2013 at 10:49 AM
Texan Girl said...: So after 6 days of NC the taurus guy sent me a text yesterday, asking me to dinner on Saturday.

(Previous History- reappeared in December after a one-month sabbaticial (ha) and just constantly texted me- I hardly intiated and didn't respond to all his texts- but I finally decided 6 days ago that I had enough and would only respond to his texts if he said something "worthwhile.")

MOA- I realize this date request is not enough advance notice so I am going to propose a new time. I still like him and want to give him a chance (ugh) but I am in NO WAY interested in the hot/cold, disappear/reappear act from last year.

MOA- do you think that asking him to call me (which would be the first time ever- he operates via text) and then trying to get some understanding from him as to "why now", etc... Is letting him know that I don't want to waste my time with someone who is unsure about himself or whether he wants to get to know me, is a little much/agressive? Should I propose a new time, get together with him and pretend like nothing happened- play it by ear?

=; February 22, 2013 at 12:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror, I have been so wrong in past..I have read 'no contact'at lots of places, so done that in past but just from 5 to 8 days, then I reply to his text or call him. Last time he said, you go crazy sometimes and disappear!!...last time when he said I missed you..I asked..why you didn't call then..he said..I though to myself that she will call me whenever she wants to speak to me, so I let you be but I missed you...I think this time as well he must be thinking same thing that he has indicated with one missed call that he is back in town and that I will return his call whenever I feel like.

"If you want more respect and consistency from him and for him to cease taking you for granted, if it were me, I'd use no contact here to compel him to man up....or leave."

I for sure want all that.

How many days should I ignore his text and calls? 30? He will attempt contacting me in some way or other every 4th or 5th day, as I know from past.

Thanks,
Venus; February 22, 2013 at 1:35 PM
Anonymous said...: I forgot to ask, should I carry on with facebook activities as usual and let him see that I am having fun or should I restrict him to see any of my updates? I just did some status update and all on facebook then realised I had not figured about that yet!
Thanks...Venus

PS: I want to be one of your success story too.; February 22, 2013 at 2:53 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm soooo glad I found this blog. I really like the idea of making the man come to you. I'm wondering if the 30 day NC will work with this guy that I've been somewhat dating on a casual basis the last 3 to 4 months. My problem isn't that he disappeared but rather that what started out as him initiating the contact has transformed into me doing most of the contacting(with him doing it when he feels like it I guess). He is a previous co-worker and what I know about him from when we worked together is that he WAS lazy. He was great at his job and a good charmer but would often find ways to get around doing things(i.e. taking short-cut). He was the only worker like this. From what I know about his dating past some of the women he dated "liked" him and so he just went with it. For instance he got a woman pregnant and he said that she ended up being crazy, so he broke it off. When I asked why he dated her, he said that she liked him a lot and so he gave her a "chance" and made her his gf. And then a few months before I met him he dated a woman 12 years older than him. When I asked him why it was once again "she liked me and came on to me". He did say however that with her she wanted a relationship and he didn't and he told her so, but she kept pushing it on him, so he ended it. Fast forward to my situation. He seemed outgoing and confident when around a lot of people, but when me and him would talk just by ourselves he seemed nervous, and shy, and quiet. He told me that he didnt have much confidence around me because I'm really attractive. But I did notice he was always trying get me to do things. For instance he would ask me to call him or text him. I never did lol. I did text him one day "Hey I think I just might like you" and he seemed really excited but kept asking me when we see each other in person, if I could just tell him in person how I felt(he often told me how he felt in person). He would say things like, "Can you just tell me you like me right now face to face, why do you only do it through text?" He was always giving me hugs, put his hand on mine, trip me, pick me up and lift me up(he was a foot taller, lol), etc. Stare at my lips and give me his complete focus when I would be talking to him(which made me uncomfortable). Anyway I ended up having to move out of state but we maintained communication. But what started out as both of us doing it equally, then became just me doing most of it, and him doing it sometimes.; February 22, 2013 at 2:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Post continued...
And one day I asked him if he just wanted us to stop talking since it didn;t seem like he cared. And he told me "No please don't stop calling and texting me I love it when you do, etc" or one day when I hadn't called him or texted him, he texted me "where have you been, is everything okay". I just noticed that he seemed to like being passive and me being the one doing things, and that in his past relationships it was that case to--where the woman most likely pursued him. I've been in no contact for almost 2 weeks now. i have not yet heard from him. I'm wondering if the 30 day no contact rule will work for a man that is used to woman doing most of the work, and a man that is lazy and passive, but sensitive at the same time.; February 22, 2013 at 3:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Post continued.
He seems like a serial relationship man. As in in the last 8 years(he's 27) he's had at least 4 serious relationships that have lasted 2 or more years. He did seem to push for that, wanting to be more than friends with me, telling me he wants us to work out even if it's long distance, that he'd be willing to move to be with me especially if he was in love, etc. He brought up marriage a lot(not necesarily us being married) but more so "how do you feel about marriage, is it something you want in the future"--he brought up it several times. I told him I just wanted to be friends at first because I wasn't ready for a relationship. And he said he was okay with that.
And I didn't have a problem with him disappearing. 95% of the time he answered my text messages, even if it was a couple of hours later and if I called him, he would either pick him, or call me back when able. I never really experienced him "ignoring" me so to speak. If I told him to call me or text me, 90% of the time he would. He is also busy(works full time, school full time, and has children that he takes care of throughout the week). But at the same time, I feel insecure always being the one doing the work, which is why I wanted to do the NC for 30 days to see if he would start to do things again. But my question is, will it work on a man that is passive and in the past has been used to women doing most of the work. Because NOW I DO feel ready to be in a relationship with him but want the dynamics to cahnge.; February 22, 2013 at 3:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Texan Girl,
"Should I propose a new time, get together with him and pretend like nothing happened- play it by ear?"

I would propose a new time, get together with him and then wait for the appropriate opportunity during dinner to casually open up the subject for conversation. You never know, that may be exactly what HE'S intending to do and it could be the reason for the dinner invite.

So before you jump into it, give plenty of time during the date for him to venture into that territory - because that could be the purpose of this date ;-); February 22, 2013 at 5:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
Me personally, I'd go the full 30 days here to really see his level of interest - if he's genuinely interested or not and makes repeated attempts to contact you as a result.

Because you're shooting for something like this:

Him: Hi

You: No response

Him: Are you okay?

You: No response

Him: Why won't you talk to me?

You: No response

Him: What's going on with you?

You: No response

Him: If you're not going to speak to me, I'll just leave you alone.

You: No response

Him: I know you're upset with me. I need to talk to you. Will you please talk to me?

And THAT'S when you respond. When HE'S had enough time to think about his actions and what he's done wrong and how he's taken you for granted - and he's ready to talk openly about it.

That's what will happen with a man that's genuinely interested. However, a man that isn't genuinely interested will stop around the second or third text - at which point, you have your answer (that he's not worth it).; February 22, 2013 at 5:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
"should I carry on with facebook activities as usual and let him see that I am having fun or should I restrict him to see any of my updates?"

That's up to you. How I usually handle similar situations is if the guy was a real jag and treated me very poorly, I'll block him (I don't care whether he returns or not, I'm done.)

If he didn't treat me that poorly and it simply didn't work out and I figure maybe someday, we'll talk and come together to reach a resolution, I'll leave that door open.; February 22, 2013 at 5:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror for spoon feeding me here. If I ever get married to him I will make sure you get the invite :)

In the mean time I will keep coming back to you as you are making sense to me.

Just out of curiosity though, does sun sign matters? Me leo him virgo!; February 22, 2013 at 6:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Forgot to mention..that was me Venus (inviting you to wedding :))..I should create my ID here,,; February 22, 2013 at 6:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous, Feb 22, 2:58 PM,
This is exactly why I suggest that women refrain from being the aggressor and pursuing men:

"some of the women he dated "liked" him and so he just went with it."

"When I asked why he dated her, he said that she liked him a lot and so he gave her a "chance"

"When I asked him why it was once again "she liked me and came on to me"

Every single one of those women walked right into being "used" by this man. When a woman pursues a man that isn't showing any genuine interest in her (calling her, pursuing her, asking her on dates, etc.) - she offers herself up on a platter to be used and then dumped. And most of those situations are short term - two weeks to two or three months.

Then the guy moves on - because he was only half interested in the first place and had the woman pulled back to judge his level of interest, she would've seen he wasn't genuinely interested and could've saved herself from being used.

He said:

"No please don't stop calling and texting me I love it when you do, etc"

Red flag, dear. He's an insecure guy and he enjoys the attention, the ego stroke. It's a boost (ego) for him.

"I just noticed that he seemed to like being passive and me being the one doing things"

That's the sign of a player. A guy that doesn't want to lift a finger for a woman - but rather - enjoys the attention and ego boost from being chased by one.

"in his past relationships it was that case to--where the woman most likely pursued him"

Exactly - and look how they turned out, LOL ;-)

"I've been in no contact for almost 2 weeks now. i have not yet heard from him. I'm wondering if the 30 day no contact rule will work for a man that is used to woman doing most of the work, and a man that is lazy and passive, but sensitive at the same time."

No contact doesn't necessarily have anything to do with personality traits - it's about the level of the man's interest. Genuinely interested men seek a woman out (pursue her). Half interested men prefer to make things easy on themselves (sex) and as a result, put very little effort forth.

"that he'd be willing to move to be with me especially if he was in love, etc."

Yea, I bet, LOL. Lazy men love to become parasites that live off of women. Careful dear.

"If I told him to call me or text me, 90% of the time he would."

Keep requesting that of him. If he's genuinely interested, that's what he'll do.

"I feel insecure always being the one doing the work"

That's precisely why players reverse the natural gender roles (make women pursue them instead of them, the man, pursuing the woman, as Mother Nature intended it). Making the woman feel insecure cause her to TRY HARDER - thus MAKING IT EASIER on themselves.

"But my question is, will it work on a man that is passive and in the past has been used to women doing most of the work."

It'll work on a man that is genuinely interested. It won't work on a man that is only half interested (in which case, it's worked anyway, LOL, because then you know he's not worth it and you walk away ;-); February 22, 2013 at 6:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
If you wish to comment under that name, in the drop down menu for "comment as" chose "name/url." Enter the name you wish to use and leave the url field blank. Instead of "anonymous" it'll name you as "venus" if that's the name you choose.

Some Virgo's can be a tough nut to crack, LOL, I've been involved in two long term relationships with Virgo men, but once you're in - you're in with them. One is Earth (Virgo) and one is Fire (Leo).

Leo will admire the specialized attention from Virgo (once you begin to receive it, LOL ;-) and Virgo won't mind playing second fiddle so-to-speak, to your fiery sun. But don't misinterpret that. By second fiddle, I don't mean he'll be a pushover. I mean - he'll be very supportive of you, of your success, your wishes and your desires.

This, of course, would be after things are a bit "ironed out" here between you two ;-) But there is a possibility for harmony here.; February 22, 2013 at 6:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey aphrodite! (aquagirl27) (feb27 9pm) ok i gotcha i will do just that.. However he just emailed me his new business card and every since i have been behavioral mirroring him he has been pursing me now he all of a sudden wants to take me to the movies and calling me babe and boopie.. Hes just acting different i have been being silent not saying to much and really busy with my family. Hes been on it. Thank you for helping me undersrand him more. I am struggling with being his friend cas i care about him but you are right i cant make him have my feelings but i will start dating others and move on cas i do deserve more. One last thing... Should i continue to mirror him as friend? Its actually kinda fun to see the responses from men!! They sure no how to try to get back in good graces lol and he also asked me to find him a truck online to buy so i him slowly but surely getting back on his feet im proud of him and the little money he do have he trys to take me for dinner and movies which is nice as well i just was confused on is he doing those things because he is trying to get back on his feet and he couldnt do for me now or if he was just nice as a person/friend? So all the i love you stuff is fro a friend anhle right? Thanks so much im back on the prawl(lol) j/k; February 22, 2013 at 8:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AquaGirl,
"Should i continue to mirror him as friend?"

Yep, I would. First of all, it's good practice for you, for you to see how it works and to better understand men. Second, the side effect to it may be that it draws him out. I'm not saying this is guaranteed to happen, but if it's having a positive response on him, it could be that eventually, he realizes he has feelings for you.

"and the little money he does have he tries to take me for dinner and movies which is nice as well"

That's a good sign. It's a sign of respect and his willingness to treat you like a lady. A man doesn't have to spend hundreds of dollars on a woman - it's the thought that counts, his willingness to make the gesture and provide in some way for you as a man.

"i just was confused on is he doing those things because he is trying to get back on his feet and he couldnt do for me now or if he was just nice as a person/friend?"

Only time will tell dear. You have to keep doing what you're doing and wait him out - wait to see if it has an effect that compels him to take action and communicate that he has feelings for you.

But in the meantime, don't put your life on hold, waiting for him to do so. Keep moving forward. If he wants you - he'll run to catch up to you ;-)

"So all the i love you stuff is fro a friend anhle right?"

That's how I would look at it. I love my friends - but I'm not IN LOVE with my friends. There's a difference. Wait him out and see if he steps forward to proclaim he's in love with you.

In the meantime, keep moving forward. Don't wait on him. Like I said, if he wants you - he'll run to catch up to you ;-); February 23, 2013 at 7:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey aphrodite (aquagirl feb22) ok i tthoroughly understand and i will continue to keep doing exactly what i been doing. I do talk to other men on the phone already but i been on pause with men because i been on a spiritual journey with the most high and this is why i guess he respects me so much. I been reading self help books and the whole nine. However last night we went to the movies to c django he was so sweet it was raining he dropped me off at door he held me at the movies when i cried he wanted me to lay on him he was not showing any friendship signs ! I just went with the flow he told me that i am very enlightning to him he calls me boopie i thought that was cute.. When we got to his place to drop him off he told me that he found a truck to get his new business cards were on the way and he also let me know how i could help him with paperwork. He also on the ride home slick asked me what ima be doing tomorrow and at first i said nothing then i switched it really fast to actually ima be very busy..lol he said what will yiu be doing? He was so serious lol i told him casual things first the gym and then other casual encounters..im saying all this to say this we have been at a standstill for the last 3 months and just these few days of mirroring him has changed so much. Thank you a phrodite you are awesome! I was never taught how to deal with men!; February 23, 2013 at 11:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Just an FYI, ladies. For those of you seeking scientific proof of the Law of Attraction, Peter has just written a fantastic piece here on the subject:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/the-secret-ancient-wisdom-quantum-mechanics.html

Enjoy! ;-)

And keep those thoughts positive gals.; February 23, 2013 at 12:21 PM
Venus said...: Mirror, I feel restless, because he is back in town and because I have had only one missed call from him. Why is he not calling again or texting me? Will it hurt him to reply to my email which I sent a week back NOW?? Anxiety!! What shall I do?; February 23, 2013 at 4:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
Honey, you cannot control him or his behavior, only your own. Remain calm, control the anxiety and emotions - and do not act on them. You have two options...wait for him to come to you, as a genuinely interested man should...or chase him down and possibly face rejection.

In order to enact change - you have to be willing to be uncomfortable dear.; February 23, 2013 at 4:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, this is HopefulWith Men, originally called HopelessWithMen. I only hope I won´t have to return to my original name any time soon.

I wrote about the man who I had been meeting more or less as a friend for about three months, then before Christmas he promised me a present and didn´t bring me anything. Since that last date he has sent me several texts apologizing and asking for another date. We hadn´t seen each other for two months because I used partial NC, when we finally met this weekend.

The date went unexpectedly well. I was prepared to come and go, but he was so nice. He brought me a nice perfume, invited me for a walk, then we went to a restaurant and after the date he accompanied me home. He was a perfect gentleman, very courteous, and I saw him in a different light - he seemed a more reserved and sensitive type of person than I had thought he was. I realized that actually we didn´t konow each other yet. We explained our previous misunderstandings and problems with mutual contentment, I think. Then he said that he would like to put his life in order as he isn´t happy being alone, and move our relationship forward. He even implied me moving in with him! I couldn´t believe my ears! He is 51, I am 47, we both have jobs, apartments... Why such a hurry?

Anyway, the date went smoothly, I felt good and happy when I returned home. In the evening, however, I didn´t resist the temptation and checked the dating site where he is still active. He has been active there all the time we have known each other, btw. He signed out about 10 minutes before the start of our date and is signed in again now when I am writing this and still enjoying in my mind the nice moments of our meeting.

Mirror, I think I need your help again. What do you think of this? Do you think he is rotating several women like you once wrote and my turn was this weekend? Or is it possible he just kills time writing to other women because he wants to communicate with someone when he is alone at home? As to the two of us, we communicate only via texts or calls.

My second question is: If he is really honest and serious with moving our relationship forward, how can I slow him down without discouraging him completely? E.g. when he was talking to me on the date, at times I just didn´t know what to answer. He felt really serious to me and I just didn´t want to disappoint him, but I don´t feel anything deep for him yet and understand that he wants more as soon as possible. I just told him honestly that I need more time to get to know him better and that I don´t date men just to have fun or kill the time. And just to inform you, I do feel I could fall for him, on this date he really won me over and I forgave him his previous mistakes.

I will be looking forward to your answers. Also, I wish you a nice rest of the weekend and all the best!

Anyway; February 23, 2013 at 4:50 PM
Venus said...: Thanks Mirror..he sure is with his friends.. whenever we speak next I will be asked why I did not return his ONE CALL!! And if I keep on ignoring he will ask me whats wrong!! Even if he knows what is wrong!.. he will convince me that I was immature to think that he will call me while on holiday with family!! Should I tell him the truth that it did bother me? Complain about it?? Or should I just say I was so busy?

When we get to this point:
"Him: I know you're upset with me. I need to talk to you. Will you please talk to me?"

What do we talk about?

I think about him quite a lot..hope all these waves hit him double hard and he miss me too..; February 23, 2013 at 4:59 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Venus

DO NOT CONTACT HIM.If you do,you ruin the chances of him contacting you,which is why you are doing NC in the first place,to get HIM to come to YOU.

I felt the same way and caved in,I was doing fine,6 days NC,he made 2 lame attempts,I ignored them,only to cave in 5 days later and getting a simple confused reply from him.YOU DO NOT WANT THAT.I mean I had to go back to square 1.

And this is not about him.It's about you,taking time to detach and solve out your emotions.It's about you standing your ground and learning self-control.Put it this way,NO ONE CAN KEEP A MAN AWAY FROM YOU,IF HE REALLY WANTS YOU.

Now why not let that happen on its own and get the satisfaction you deserve,instead of giving in,in the moment and ruining your chances?

You are emotional now,thus anxious,thus you have expectations.If you initiate and his reply is short/disappointing,you will only create more restlessness within yourself,which is what brought you here in the first place.

See it like this.You live your life,you let him live his.He comes to you and you meet in the middle.You do not rush in like a bull and get left hanging.NO!

You can do this,trust me :)

Cross the NC days on your calendar.When you reach 6-7-8,you will actually start feeling like you can even go to 30.It will become natural.

AGAIN,this is not to get a reaction out of him(thats just a side-effect),this is about YOU learning to value and put yourself first when it comes to men.Yes,even the one you like.ESPECIALLY the one you like,cause you want him to value you and treat you accordingly.

So know that you are not the only one going through this.And continue on your path.YOUR PATH.Not his.

Good luck,you're doing wonderfully :)

P.S.DELETE HIS NUMBERS/CONTACTS,PICTURES,EVERYTHING.NO DISTRACTIONS.YOU DO YOUR OWN THING HERE LADY; February 23, 2013 at 6:13 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Venus

P.P.S.

Another thing.It apparently works more if someone breaks it down to us what this does in the man's mind.MOA repeats it to us everyday,so I'm going to remind you.

Lookie here,he expects you to call now or say something.But you will NOT,so watch him getting anxious in a few days and initiating contact.

I'm sure by now it's already starting to eat at his brain 'hmm,where is she?why is she not responding?is she busy?did something happen?is she playing a game?'In which case he'll decide 2 can play that game and stick to his guns to for a few more days but you are stronger(YOU DO NOT INITIATE) and he will give in.

Because he'll be curious and longing.Like MOA said,uncertainty creates attraction.I mean it's working on you right now so why not let it work on him too?

SEE it this other way too.Whatever you are feeling right now,he may be feeling or start feeling soon too.And then he will come to you.WHY deprive yourself of that pleasure?Do you really not believe you are worthy of this man's attention?YOU ARE SO START BEHAVING LIKE IT NOW.

He will :) you be patient and good to yourself in the meantime.; February 23, 2013 at 6:24 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm really shocked that I haven't heard from him. Today marks the second week of no contact. Honestly I really thought he would call me by now, it's pretty hurtful that he hasn't. I feel salty. I guess he just wasn't interested in me. :-(; February 23, 2013 at 6:25 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Sista Taurus,

I wonder if maybe the reason some of us are so uncomfortable doing NC for as long as we need to, has a little bit to do with feeling insecure about whether or not the man really is as interested as he says, or if he meets someone else during that time, or thinks we aren't interested and just leaves us alone.

I know for me, it's becoming a concern of mine. I had done NC before coming to this blog. I was in an 8 year relationship which was probably doomed from the start because I ASKED him out(he said yes), I did most of the chasing(trying to make him see me, calling him and texting him all the time) etc. HE took quite a few breaks with me and in the beginning each time he did I would call him constantly and beg him to be with me. And each time I got turned down--it was only when I would back off, would he come back. He also used to disappear randomly. For instance he would disappear two weeks at a time(we were in a LTR TOO) and then would call a couple of weeks later, like "Oh I was busy with work" and would see nothing wrong with it. Anyway whenever he would disappear even though I FELT that he loved me, I always assumed the worse(that he was done with me) and then he would come back... Eventually we broke up(I broke it off) and once I did break it off for good and not look back, he is stalking me now trying to get back with me--he has been now since May when we broke up lol.

But I've since moved on to another man, who I thought was different from my ex. Because this other man pursued me, wined and dined me(it seemed). And I felt like things were equal(in terms of who was contacting who) and then one day(ironically around the time he started winter semester of school) he just stopped communicating as much. I chalked it up to him being busy for the first week... Then when I confronted him on different occasions and he still was only briefly stepping up(would step it up the day of and after I confronted him) only to go back to previous behaviors shortly after that I began to realize that either he A) Lost interest and didn't know how to be honest. B) Whether I realize it or not I started to become insecure and projected too many emotions and clinginess on him which prompted him to fall back. OR C) He might have been falling for me like MOA suggested and decided to take a step back, but I wouldn't let him by continuing to confront him and try to text with him.

Anyway I did NC with him before. And within 5 days he noticed I did it and called me on it. But this time, it's been two weeks and no response. So as time goes on and I don't hear from him, the more I want to reach out and call him to understand what I did wrong, why he doesn't want me anymore, etc. THis has been a huge blow to my ego.; February 23, 2013 at 7:15 PM
Venus said...: Thanks Sista'Taurus

I will be strong and will not contact him and ignore his calls/texts for few days.

We are in a serious relationship, we talk about our future, that house we want to buy, kids that we want to have. Our FB activities are not too much, I get to login once a week and him once a month. There is also no need for me to try and disconnect myself from him or delete his contact or block him. I can restrict him so he don't get my updates on FB because I do go and write on my friends walls or comment on their pic so he won't know that I did any activity if I restricted him.

We have already been out of touch for good 17 days! 14 days of his holidays plus 3 days since he has returned but I guess the NC will count only 3 days so 27 more to go!! Ever since he left I have been working on myself..have been exercising more, detoxing which already shows on face.. went to salon had a new hair cut, facial and massages. Whenever we meet next he will notice the good change because he is a virgo and notices micro details that sometimes even I don't notice in me. He scans me top to toe, he can even tell when I get conscious about him looking at me..and he mentions that after a few days, like when I was holding your hand and I kissed them you were worried about that one nail which was broken and you looked really sweet worrying about it :)

Like mirror said, I need to 'iron this relationship'. It started with him chasing me and initiating contact all the time and I never kept him hanging/waiting..if I ever did because I was busy he used to be frustrated..it then changed to me being more needy/desperate than him and initiating contact all the time and then going NC for 4-8 days then when I had results being the same again!! The theory of scarcity never occurred to me. This time when I get the result, I am going to be scarce till we get married :) . I am so sure that he is the one for me! And with all the vibes of ladies here, he stands no chance, and I can tell he will miss me and propose to me really soon. Just keep your magic vibes going to him, make him feel anxious and restless!!

Thanks :); February 24, 2013 at 7:03 AM
Venus said...: Update..just had a text ..Hi whats up? where have u been?...ignoring it..but feels so weak on my knees!!!; February 24, 2013 at 8:13 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful With Men,
"He even implied me moving in with him! I couldn´t believe my ears! He is 51, I am 47, we both have jobs, apartments... Why such a hurry?"

BIG red flag dear. HUGE. And you asked the right question, "Why such a rush?" This is what I call "fantasy thinking" in men. Men fantasize a large percentage of their day away. And most of it concerns women and sexual thoughts and sometimes, they let these things slip out of their mouths. One man I know referred to it as "fun talk." Meaning - it's talk that's for fun (fantasy, entertainment) and nothing else.

I wouldn't take a comment like that from a man seriously. And if he is serious, he's desperate. He's either desperate monetarily and looking for an easy ride (latch onto a woman), or he's desperate sexually (again, looking to latch onto a woman). Because the reality is, a healthy relationship consists of:

1) Developing feelings for one another and sharing them openly

2) Falling in love and expressing that to the woman

3) Asking the woman for a commitment

That's the natural order of the development of a healthy relationship. So when a man that hasn't even fallen in love yet or asked the woman for a commitment starts talking about moving in with her - it's a red flag. It's not the natural order of things and as a result, it amounts to "spoon feeding" a woman - exactly what he thinks she wants to hear. Whether he truly means it or not.

Men know that the best way to achieve success with a woman (mate with her) is to tell her what he thinks she wants to hear. Which is why you have to ignore the WORDS, and focus on the ACTIONS of the man instead.

"He signed out about 10 minutes before the start of our date and is signed in again now when I am writing this and still enjoying in my mind the nice moments of our meeting."

Another red flag dear. A man that is supposedly so "into" a woman that he's talking about moving in with her is still seeking new possibilities (sexual experiences) online with other women? Doesn't make sense and is indicative of a "player." Again, spoon feeding women what he thinks they want to hear - but DOING something (taking ACTION) that completely signifies otherwise.

Again, ignore his WORDS, pay attention to his ACTIONS.

"Do you think he is rotating several women like you once wrote and my turn was this weekend?"

Yes, I do. I believe this is a man that goes around telling women what they want to hear, seeing who "bites." It's like fishing. You dangle the bait in the water and see if you get a bite. Honestly, I think this man is seeking a victim of some sort. He's giving me the "parasitic" vibe - he's giving me the vibe of a man that looking to victimize a woman in some way. Either by living off of her, stealing money away from her in some way, using her sexually - or simply in an effort to see how much of anything he can get from her.

Cont. . .; February 24, 2013 at 9:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Or is it possible he just kills time writing to other women because he wants to communicate with someone when he is alone at home?"

No. A man that is genuinely interested in a woman will start to swat away other women near him. He'll "clear a path" for the new woman in his life - he won't invite MORE women into his life. And any man that is so lonely that he has to communicate online with other women when he is alone - is a red flag, too. So if you date him and he has a day off and you're at work, is he going to get lonely and talk to other women online all day? Think about it.

"If he is really honest and serious with moving our relationship forward, how can I slow him down without discouraging him completely?"

Any man that is a gentleman and is truly interested in the woman - will RESPECT HER WISHES. If she wants to take it slow, a gentleman will respond kindly and do exactly that. A man that wants to "rush" a woman into something, has a hidden agenda - a "goal" he's racing towards (sexual rewards, living rewards, monetary rewards, etc.) There's a "reward" he's reaching for and he's rushing to get it.

"He wants more as soon as possible."

Another red flag. Why the rush? And why does he want the "reward" before he's even fallen in love and asked for a commitment? I don't believe his WORDS because his ACTIONS signify otherwise.

"on this date he really won me over and I forgave him his previous mistakes."

It's only been one good date dear. You shouldn't wipe away all of the hurtful, ignorant things he's done in the past just because there was one good date.

And let's not forget that AFTER that ONE GOOD DATE - he was online chatting with other women.

Please think about yourself here dear. I fear that since you've been alone for a while and this is the first guy to come along and pay a bit of attention to you - you're very vulnerable here. And as a result, I feel you may get taken advantage of.

Please, please, please think of yourself here and protect yourself. Do not rush into anything with this man. After your one good date with him, he's already disappointed you and let you down by running home and jumping onto the computer to chat other women up.

He didn't rush home to CALL YOU and CHAT YOU UP about what a great time he had. He rushed home and chatted OTHER women up.

Please be mindful of the reality here and his actions - and please do consider protecting yourself more. Please pay attention to his ACTIONS and ignore his WORDS - because the two are not aligning with one another.

Please dear, keep your guard up here. Please take care of yourself and look out for yourself here.; February 24, 2013 at 9:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
"When we get to this point: "Him: I know you're upset with me. I need to talk to you. Will you please talk to me?" What do we talk about?"

Whatever it is that he wishes to speak to you about.

"Ever since he left I have been working on myself..have been exercising more, detoxing which already shows on face.. went to salon had a new hair cut, facial and massages."

EXCELLENT dear. And exactly what you should be doing for yourself.; February 24, 2013 at 9:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 23, 7:15 PM,
"So as time goes on and I don't hear from him, the more I want to reach out and call him to understand what I did wrong, why he doesn't want me anymore, etc. THis has been a huge blow to my ego."

That's fear and insecurity. Those feelings are normal, we all have them - but you need to learn to RECOGNIZE them for what they are, and do not take ACTION on them (calling, begging, pleading, etc.) When you do that, you only risk bringing more pain, confusion and frustration onto yourself with possible rejection.

Never conduct your life from the state of emotion that represents "fear." Never do this. And never beat yourself up simply because something didn't work out. Relationships require "risk" dear. Every time we meet someone, we risk getting hurt. That's the name of the game and when it doesn't work out, you don't take a baseball bat to your head, LOL, ya' know?

You simply do your best to accept that it wasn't meant to be - and you move on and make room in your life for positive people and men to come into it that DO appreciate you for who your are and one's that bring out the BEST in you - not the worst.

Why do you want to be with a man that makes you feel crappy about yourself anyway, ya' know? You want to be with a man that makes you feel GOOD about yourself, not one that makes you feel insecure, worried, anxious all the time and not good enough.

Make room in your life for a man that lifts you up, not one that brings you down.

And Peter's new post here is a prime example of how living in "fear" is actually very detrimental to your life - and there's scientific evidence to prove that. If the concept there is a bit too complex for you to gain a full understanding of immediately (it's a complex subject) - please, please - at the very least, watch the short video clip included in this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/the-secret-ancient-wisdom-quantum-mechanics.html

It displays for you, in scientific terms, scientific PROOF, that living in a state of fear actually restructures your DNA - the very core being of who you are. And as a result, limits your opportunities in life.

Please give that piece a read and watch the video. If you have any questions, please feel free to post them there and either Peter or myself or both can help to answer them.; February 24, 2013 at 9:53 AM
Venus said...: Hi Mirror, Sista'Taurus & ladies,

I was researching again...what to say when we speak again..he may call me from blocked number or show up for lunch, specially now that I have already ignored him for 3 days he would want to know why! I don't want to tell him that I missed him and I am mad that he did not call me!! Because then he will know what he needs to do exactly to drive me away!

So while searching for my answer I googled 'what to say after no contact' and I got lots of pages but they all say its to be practice with Ex to get them back!! It looks like its not for people already in relationship!! Is that right??

My question here is slipping through the cracks..what to say when I speak to him again!?

Thanks,
Venus; February 24, 2013 at 11:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Venus,
I've answered your question about what to say if he wants to talk. When he says he's ready to talk - you talk about what he wants to talk to you about. You let him take the lead and open that discussion up.

And no one can tell you, word for word, what to say because no one has any idea how this is going to play out. You're going to need to decide for yourself what to say - taken from all you've learned here and elsewhere. You're going to have to make those decisions to put this into practice yourself.

As well, guidance regarding that is already provided in this article. Read the section in this piece titled, "What to do when your ex reappears: The rubber band theory."

You'll find guidance there - but the rest is up to you dear, the details are up to you. At some point, you're going to have to put into practice what you're learned :-)

And yes, many out there tout no contact as a tactic to get an ex back - but it has several other uses as well, which I've laid out in this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html; February 24, 2013 at 11:21 AM
Venus said...: Thanks Mirror...sorry if I am acting like a baby!!

I feel I should reply to his text with something like..Hi! Did you mean..'how' have you been? Where will I go? welcome back :)....the reason is I don't want to sound like I don't care that he is back and I have moved on (how unreliable) ! At the same time I am not going to get involved in massive exchange of texts or answer all his calls...so I am there but not exactly there!

I am still super mad that he did not call me on V-Day and then did not reply to my last email in which I asked what kept him from getting in touch that day.

Will wait for your response before shooting that text out.

Thanks again!; February 24, 2013 at 11:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,I agree, unfortunately, these are all red flags. I am wondering what to do at this point. Whether to write him off once for all or give him a chance again. The last date was nice and actually, apart from him implying my moving into his flat - which I refused - he also suggested a more exclusive relationship. He said he would like to spend longer time at weekends with me - meaning nights included I guess - yes, you are right, to which I answered that I would prefer to get to know him better but it would suit me more if we met on weekdays too. I also said that I would be interested to move forward, but slowly. Now I guess that with his ongoing online correspondence he uses weekdays for meetings with new women. He said that he would consider my suggestion but added he was usually busy travelling on business trips during the week. This is another red flag, I know, with the only exception that he really does travel so much.

Now my state of mind is like this. After partial NC of two months I don´t feel dependent on him and his attention in any way, fortunately. Thanks again for your kind advice, it has helped me like many other women here. Btw, the parfume smells great, he remembered what I once told him about my taste in scents and chose something exactly to my liking, but I know it doesn´t mean anything in this situation. Yes, I guess I am an option for him. Not because he doesn´t find me attractive, but I am too much of a challenge to him, you are right, he might be looking for easier targets. On the other hand, he´s been on the dating site for a year now, so do you think he has found nobody yet? He is quite handsome and can be quite pleasant. I am firmly determined not to contact him in any way, let alone sleep with him.I know that you don´t suggest "talking" to men, but what if I asked him directly if he is in touch with other women on the dating site? What do you think about this idea? And if he contacts me, what should I do?

Thanks very, very much for your kind, sister-like approach and your in-depth answers. Whatever happens with this man, or any other, I think from now on, having obtained your advice, I will walk out of any situation with dignity and self-respect. And that´s really the most important thing, after all! (-: HopefulWithMen; February 24, 2013 at 11:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, I have been thinking about this man all day today and yes, I agree with you, my gut tells me the same. I feel like a fly in a spider´s web, you know what I mean. So on second thoughts I have decided not to meet this man anymore. My question is: Since we are on "good terms" now, shall I just disappear on him? Without a warning or explanation of any kind? I guess this would be the best way as I am afraid he will pull me inside his "web" again if I communicate with him. However, I find it quite rude, especially as I had agreed to go to the cinema with him this week. Moreover, he knows where I work and live.

All of this feels weird to me, but there´s one thing I know - if I feel so confused around somebody as I am feeling now with him, I must run. Yesterday I was so excited and happy about the date. Today I am full of doubts and insecurities. You are right. Something is completely wrong here.

Thanks again for your comments. HopefulWithMen; February 24, 2013 at 1:46 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Venus

"I was researching again...what to say when we speak again..he may call me from blocked number or show up for lunch, specially now that I have already ignored him for 3 days he would want to know why! I don't want to tell him that I missed him and I am mad that he did not call me!! Because then he will know what he needs to do exactly to drive me away!"

You know what I hear from all that?Those are your insecurities speaking.You are sitting there doing NC and still being controlled by HIM,indirectly.You are missing the point here dear.You're supposed to do this to get yourself in check and pull back from the emotional roller coaster you are on.Clear your mind,toss this all aside and do not dwell into that,it's only making you extra anxious and afraid.Reacting from that place is never a good thing.So if you keep on like this,WHEN he does contact you,you will be overwhelmed and will probably react emotionally,one way or another.

The point here is for you to clear your head,detach,find your core and when you do talk to him again,it will be from that place of self assurance and self-fulfillment and you will know all the right things to say back.

It's pointless to fantasize right now about this scenarios.You're building up anxiety here instead of releasing it.

Example.You're doing all this research on what to say and he comes out and says something totally against what you are expecting.That will disappoint you FURTHER.

Breathe,let it be for now.I know it's easier said than done but give it time,you'll find yourself.You are vulnerable now,that's never a good position to be in when communicating with a man.Think about that.

And if still in doubt,WHEN and IF he contacts you,come and write here and MOA will give you her best advice.Until then,DO NOT fantasize and live on the edge like this.Be you,get busy,do it all for you.FOR YOU.

A greater you,an aligned you(mind & heart),will only attract greater things,experiences.Even with him.

Take a breather.You are thinking mechanically now,wanting to prepare for this like its a military exercise.Exercise your self control,your power,those are of greater value.Recognise your own value here.

FIY,I'm going through the same thing.2 weeks ago I was a complete lunatic.Logic is kicking in now and greater sense of awareness.If my guy contacts me,I'll take my time and think through my response.That's the lesson I've taken from this:how to separate logic from emotions.; February 24, 2013 at 3:05 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Anonymous Feb 23,7:15

"I wonder if maybe the reason some of us are so uncomfortable doing NC for as long as we need to, has a little bit to do with feeling insecure about whether or not the man really is as interested as he says, or if he meets someone else during that time, or thinks we aren't interested and just leaves us alone. "

That is absolutely true.Which is why I believe NC works mostly/best for us women to get our own sense of perspective back.To re-learn our self-worth here and live accordingly.This guy I am in a thing with used to always initiate and chase me and I used to naturally hang back with him and do NC simply because(LOL) and everytime he would reach out within a day or one day later at the most.That is testimony to my own self confidence AT THE TIME that he did like me and was interested and I just knew he would.And he did.That's a very powerful position to be in and I do not know when I suddenly decided to give that away.You see,I knew to my core that he would and he did everytime so I was relaxed and able to enjoy my life.When I started becoming emotional(post sex) and clingy,that's when I lost my brain and everything else.But I have learned to recognise those fears lately and toss them aside.Fears reap insecurities,you do not want those in any area of your life.

Regarding your 8 year relationship,been there too.5 year relationship,exact pattern.I mean in the beginning I absolutely begged that douche,I remember declaring that I loved him and he told me to go fuck myself,LITERALLY.IN THOSE WORDS.You can imagine what a beautiful relationship we shared down the line,LOL.He did fall in love though and loved me and still does to this day.But I ended it,because of well..THE OBVIOUS.So MOA is right,initiating is never good for a woman.That will be the blueprint to your entire experience with any man.

Regarding your 2nd guy,again,I'm NOW in the same situation.He chased me down,showered me with attention and I changed my behaviour after the sex and became a shadow of my previous self:erratic,emotional,anxious,psychotic,suspicious,you name it.We never went more than ONE DAY without talking to each other.He would always give in and ask what was wrong or why did i ignore him etc.I went too far,needless to say and I just had to initiate NC for myself.Of course the first week I went bonkers,LOL,it's only human but now I'm better,I could even say I'm mighty good.You see the focus has shifted now from him to me.I now only think in terms of me,what I can do to grow,to better myself and that keeps me extra busy.I'm being as productive as I can now.

" So as time goes on and I don't hear from him, the more I want to reach out and call him to understand what I did wrong, why he doesn't want me anymore, etc. THis has been a huge blow to my ego. "

Do not do that.Let him come to you.You want him to come to you,dont you?Learn to handle your ego.It's a superficial extension of you emotions.You did nothing wrong,he might be confused now but he will come around if only to ask ''what happened?''.You see in either way,its working on him cause its creating uncertainty.So regardless of what happened between you 2,he will reach out.He's a man and he'll man up sooner or later.Don't despair,KNOW that he will and go on with your life as best as you can.For your greater good.; February 24, 2013 at 3:37 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Funny story.Yesterday I was in a store department,browsing for some lingerie.There was this English lady walking around and we sparked conversation.She asked my opinion on some lingerie sets and jokingly told me that she's pissed and bitter cause her mighty BF dumped her.She said it just like that "I need something sexy cause my BF dumped me,I wanna feel good"LOL

I was so touched,I even gave her this blog's address and advised her to come and read here sometimes,if she needs to find some peace of mind.She was positively happy and assured me that she would.I felt for that woman.

I actually blurted out at her to NOT CONTACT HIM.lmao..I hope I did not freak her out but she seemed pretty cool.

And I thought of you,MOA and how grateful I am,everyday for having come across your wisdom.Literally,everyday,when I hold my 'gratitude rock' LOL,I think of you and everything that has sparked in me since.

You are the best thing to have happened to me this year,for many reasons.I am on my way to become a BETTER me,a greater men,the best version of me there is.

Thank you,thank you,thank you and abundance to you,ten folds :); February 24, 2013 at 3:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista'Taurus,
Thank you :-) I can hear in your comments that you're getting stronger everyday and it makes me happy to see it ;-); February 24, 2013 at 7:19 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks for your response, Mirror of A.

It has now been one month since our last date. I know I should just accept that it's over but it has been 3 years since I was this attracted to a man and I'm feeling quite sad. I am absolutely committed to "no contact" - stupidly, as I mentioned, I did email him twice after he started to distance. The first email I think was appropriate and OK but the second email was not.

BTW, I did not nag or pursue in either email, they were just friendly, funny little emails. In retrospect, after a lot of reading and reflection, he did seem to be a bit player-ish (he's good looking to boot, very well educated and from "good stock") but since he had been with the same woman for almost 20 years before his divorce, and then had two seemingly serious girlfriends after his divorce, it seemed like he was a good prospect.

However, I am quite certain his wife ended the marriage and he told me the last GF ended things (long distance relationship, different countries!), so maybe he's out for revenge and needed to reject the next woman who fell for him (not that I told him that but I let him know that I found him quite attractive via my actions - we did not have sex but we fooled around).

I have an online dating date tomorrow night with a new man. I'm getting back out there but I have to admit I am hoping he reappears at some point. It is baffling to me that he could walk away from that kind of connection (I may have mentioned I am almost 6 years older and realize that could have been a factor). Although I am well aware I may never hear from him again, if he DOES reappear I will be sure to wait a while before responding...yet I know holding onto this hope could prove to be futile. *sigh*; February 24, 2013 at 9:32 PM
virgochick said...: Hey ladies,

So my update is, since I did complete delete and he blew up my phone and talked, he is contacting me everyday (I still dont initiate a thing, not because im playing a game, simply because my interest level has somewhat dropped HEAPS). He is feeling it too. I'm still getting asked why I am not talking much etc... I just respond with "been busy, or got a lot of planning on" and I don't reply straight away.

Can't believe how much my attitude has changed. I still love him, I think about him all day long, but wow after this whole episode I just cannot bring myself to trust he wont run again if I go back to how I was. We aren't officially together anymore, I made sure of that since he has a lot to prove if he wants to have me. As it's LDR, well I want more than just that, doing it this way isn't going to work.

He says he needs to work on himself and knows he cannot give me what I deserve. Fine, but you get nothing else from me in the mean time, and I wont be "waiting".

Anyhow, every single day he is initiating. He has a boys weekend this coming, interesting how the following week pans out lol. Luckily I have a lot going on next few weekends, so, unlike my old self, I'll be "uncontactable" during these times.

Ah well.. I just wanted to mention it's just funny how I'd rely on every single thing he did, I'd jump and my heart would beat when I heard from him, I would try anything to make him happy hoping he will run here with intentions of being with me. It's not like that anymore... and it feels good. OF course part of me still wants all this to happen, but I have taken my rose coloured glasses off and seeing everything for what it actually is, and I am now comfortable with that.

p.s
MOA mentioning how men "spoon feed" and tell women what they think they want to hear, Very true. Mine did just that in the beginning. Blah blah blah don't believe it when it's that soon. Though, it was as though mine dreams of being that man, who can provide, be a father, have the house but he is just not mentally at that level of achieving it. You're right when you say they accidentally blurt these out.; February 25, 2013 at 3:50 AM
Venus said...: Thanks Sista'Taurus.
I was really anxious that he is thinking I am gone travelling for work or moved on etc. which is not what I want him to think, I want him to think what he did wrong and do it soon so we can start being normal again!! Its been so many days since I heard him! So I replied to his text which said..Hi! Whats up? where hv u been? ..with..Hi! sky!! welcm bck!..I replied 7 hours late!! It occured to me right thing to do so I did..now I know I messed up NC but I feel better.

And Sista'Taurus you made sense, simple thing but I had to hear it from someone I guess.. I am no longer fantasizing about what will I say or do...we will see..

In the meantime all the restless/anxious ladies, send all that feeling to my man :) I would love if he could feel that too :); February 25, 2013 at 4:34 AM
Anonymous said...: I thought 3 weeks ago was the end to this BB stuff. But the other day he sends my BFF a friends request on fb. What the hell! She didn't accept it for obvious reasons. Is he testing me? Does he really want my attention that bad? It's very clear she's my BFF, our profile pic are with each other. He originally blocked her when he blocked me. He was finally out of my head for longer then a day and bam he's gotta irritate me.

Kay; February 25, 2013 at 9:57 AM
Venus said...: Its all so tough :(

I can't do NC!!; February 25, 2013 at 2:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kay,
No worries dear. No reaction here - none. Remain cool, calm, collected - an unaffected. That way, your lack of reaction sends the irritation his way - not yours.

Because he's gunning for a reaction here...like a little boy on a playground that picks on the girl he likes or hurts her by bonking a ball off her head, LOL ;-)

He just bonked you in the head with the ball...ignore it. He wants to see if you'll jump to react. And that's because he's feeling insecure right now and he's seeking reassurance. (To see if you still care.)

Because seeing you flip out over this will tell him you care. Don't give into the little boy ploy. Stand strong until he's man enough to face you - like a real man should.; February 25, 2013 at 4:21 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

So I'm feeling better and better these days,as you've noticed yourself.

However,I got to thinking a bit just now.You see he is on my whatsap friend list,where I previously deleted him(which got me to this blog in the first place) but then re-added him and apologised for my outbursts.He never disappeared on me or ignored me,my behaviour brought me here.After I added him back almost 3 weeks ago I did not however do any updates,anything,so as to best be able to do NC for myself.I went MIA.He knows this is also unlike me,as I used to update regularly too.

He is however there and I can see all his updates.So it's hard sometimes to see his face there but I'm doing good.I noticed how the first 2 weeks he was extra active(changing pics,updates),almost as if trying to get my attention.Then came the 2 lame attempts,which I ignored but he can see I read them of course.Then my caving in,8 days in and his short replies.

So remember I broke NC 8 days ago but I have been on it since,gracefully so.Lesson learned.

What I did notice though this last week is that he is as quiet as me,which is so unlike him.Normally posts his schedule,updates etc.

Now,he left a pic in a suit(which btw I always told him he should wear more,as I do like men in suits AND he grew a little beard,which I also encouraged him to do lol) and is cricket quiet.I wonder,is this a reaction to me,is he trying to mirror me?It'd be funny if that were true.

I guess I cant know whats in his mind and thats fine as I have finally found my own peace of mind but out of curiosity,what do you make of this?8 days NC and silence but this behaviour on his behalf is rather intriguing I guess.

I guess I want to see some logic in this.; February 25, 2013 at 5:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Well, it's not hard to see through his behavior here. He's lying in wait, LOL. Throwing tantalizing little things out there to see if they garner a reaction from you.

But then, you see what happens when women fall for these little pranks is - the men then turn around and ignore the woman. And sometimes, not all but sometimes, it's a "revenge" move. It's a power play - to reverse the roles and gain power back again. Men would much rather do the ignoring than to be ignored, as anyone would.

Which is why it's best not to fall for it - because you don't know which angle he's working there.

But the one thing that you CAN be sure of is - a man that is genuinely interested will seek you out. He'll inquire as to what's wrong and he'll express a desire to talk, to work it out and reach a resolution.

As a woman, it's best to wait for that to happen. And if it doesn't, it's more safe to just move on rather than risk the rejection of your affections all over again.; February 25, 2013 at 7:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ironicallygoth,
I'm so very glad that you've grasped the concepts shared here. As I've said many times before, this information is not meant to be a game - it's meant to help women develop the tools and skills they need to properly "filter" out men and "qualify" them as dating material so as to not set yourself up for a fall, only to be hurt and left for dead.

Change is not easy nor is it easy to break old habits and patterns that become comfortable to us. But if you really love yourself, you'll see the value in patience and silence and, as you've stated, save yourself much embarrassment or possibly humiliation and regret.

I'm glad that this is working for you, giving you strength and empowering you to be selective in choosing who to let into your life - and who to overlook ;-); February 25, 2013 at 7:17 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Glad to hear I am seeing 'right' for once here.lol..

It's true.And every woman knows that deep down,that an interested man will reach out.

And I know better now than to define my worth in terms of a man and his actions.No.It is who I am and my value in itself,that will define his actions.I think I am worthy.

How we perceive ourselves,is how others will too.Funny how when I became emotional,that triggered insecurity in me and it's like he smelled it and this awkward ride began.Yes,it's those neuro-peptides at work here.I feel like I found the light!lol

When I was detached and cool,he was in awe of me.Because I saw and carried myself as a prize.Why should we ever let go of that?And yet we do,subconsciously,it's still a choice.

So ladies,master yourselves.Never lose your sense of value,not for a moment.; February 25, 2013 at 8:17 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Sista Taurus,
You hang in there girl! Patience will win. Sometimes it is so hard to trust that, but it does. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

@Ms. Mirror,
After my slip/trip and then taking that step back from Virgo on Saturday, my head is still up in the air about him, and my feet have not yet deciding where they want to land.

The little bit of NC and space Sat opened up a gap for me w/Virgo that I am comfortable with.

After I finally contacted him Sat afternoon, he initiated contact so much the rest of the wknd... it was getting to be too much, and I could feel myself pulling away more -- not answering right away, etc.

And starting Saturday night, Virgo was telling me that I can call him, I don't have to wait for him to call me. He said it Sunday and tonight as well.

But I've just said, "No, that's ok."

Initially, Virgo seemed to understand the role of men initiating contact. But it's getting interesting that he's telling me I can call him.

I think it's starting to bug him; I don't know if it's because he wants to be lazy, or if he can't figure me out now so it's getting to him.

But I can't tell you how much I like this. I am not driving the bus, and it feels right.

I read your online dating advice today; last year at this time I cancelled my 3 mos membership to Match after 36 hrs. You are on target in the article re: "strangers." Having strange men contact me in my living room was just too much for me. But the advice you give applies to normal dating as well.

I wish I would have been exposed to this info a couple years ago; I think it would have made a tremendous difference for me w/Scorpio (who I have been thinking about like crazy lately -- how it ended w/no explanation -- I just don't understand it. I hope someday it won't matter to me anymore.)

I think this is all slowly sinking in... at least I hope so.; February 25, 2013 at 8:32 PM

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