Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

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UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

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Anonymous said...: MOA, Thank you for your reply. I didn’t mention that my ex BF and I were sleeping together before he asked me to be his girlfriend. I think that is what is so confusing to me… I almost expected him to dump me after the sex, if he was going to do so. But instead, he went to all the trouble to make his GF and then ask my permission to post the status on Facebook. Only to take it all away a month later… I just don’t get why he even asked me to get serious with him in the first place if he was only “half-interested”. Can you shine the light on this for me?
Lilly; January 21, 2013 at 10:24 PM
SIlentScream said...: Hi again, Mirror! I posted on January 14, 201@4:08PM. Well, I'm back to let you know that, lo and behold, Mr. Taurus sent me a text today! He came back! Despite listening to you and starting NC immediately, a part of me really thought I would never hear from him again because I stupidly slept with him on the second date and he got what he wanted and he would be gone forever! Well, after 17 days, he's back! However, he only texted a single word, "Boo". Wtf?!? I'm not a child and Halloween has long passed! He did this once ("Boo") before when I didn't hear from him for two days. I know he is trying to test if I'm still there and waiting around for him...maybe to give his ego a little boost! I haven't replied to him yet. Although it still makes me mad and upset when I think back to how he just disappeared after the second date, a part of me still likes him and wants this to work in a PROPER WAY...proper way of courting me and treating me right like a lady. A part of me wants to "reset" this, rewind, and start over again, and take it slow this time...and have him pursue me like I deserve to be pursued and properly ask me out on dates like a gentleman. I know that even if I go out with him again, I will promise myself not to sleep with him again until he has proven to me that he is serious about this developing into something meaningful.

So how should I respond to his text? And when? I want to show interest but don't want to overdo it. I want to appear cool, unemotional, carefree, and happy. Or do you think I should just wait it out until he text again (if he does)? Thanks again for everything! You're the (Wo)man!! :); January 22, 2013 at 1:02 AM
Anonymous said...: So here's my situation
I decided to try online dating. A guy sent me a message, he seemed intelligent, funny and quite cute. We were exchanging messages daily for a few days. He initiated the first date, which was due a few wks later (we live in different cities). After a few more days of messaging he suddenly asked on that Saturday if I fancied being spontaneous and meeting up for food. He organised where to meet etc & we had a nice time. He instantly messaged after saying he'd had a great time etc.
we met up as planned the following weekend. Again had a great date, he messaged again saying what a great time he'd had.
We continued to message but then last Friday something told me that he was behaving differently (we only ever text because he's back living with his mother as a house he was purchasing fell through). I txt him on the Saturday morning but it took him hours to respond, which wasn't like him. The taking time to respond isn't something that would normally bother me but he was sitting on the dating site & online on facebook so I read that as him flaking. Anyway when he did respond I got the feeling he had a date, more from what he didn't say. He then disappeared early afternoon & I heard nothing more
Then on the Sunday I didn't hear from him at all, again which is unusual for him. So instead of texting him, I just left him to it. Late sunday night I then get a text asking if I had had a good day, no explanation for him being quiet,so I ignored it. I got another text Monday afternoon asking if I'd managed to get to work ok (we've had snow), I ignored it. I then got another around 7pm asking if everything was ok. I eventually replied just before I was going to bed being brief saying yeah I'd got to work ok & that I hoped his day went well. He responded asking if I'd made plans for Friday.

I get that he'll be dating other women, seeing as he's on a site but it's the change in behaviour that annoys me. I had two crappy experiences last year & don't want to make the same mistakes. Do I text him back saying I have plans for Friday but I'm surprised he's asking because I assumed he'd changed his mind about getting to know me?
He seemed like a nice guy but I refuse to waste time on someone that can't be bothered to treat people with decency; January 22, 2013 at 4:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lily,
"I almost expected him to dump me after the sex. But instead, he went to all the trouble to make his GF and then ask my permission to post the status on Facebook."

I think he was simply promising what he thought you wanted to hear, dear :-(

It takes men approximately 4-6 months to develop genuine feelings for a woman. ALWAYS BEWARE of the man that wants to commit too soon - because he'll be gone just as soon (because his feelings are not genuine, he's simply telling the woman what she wants to hear so he can continue to sleep with her :-(

If it's too easy, they give up just as easily, unfortunately. I generally recommend 8-12 dates, real dates (i.e. dinner, movies, etc.) before sleeping with a man. This makes him work for it a bit more so that he values it more once he receives it and he also knows that the woman needs to be treated properly if he's to get "the goods" from her.

"I just don’t get why he even asked me to get serious with him in the first place if he was only “half-interested”."

He told you what he thought you wanted to hear so he could have sex with you for a while :-( That's what "players" do - they BS women to get their way. Then they disappear once they've gotten it.

Back in the day, it was referred to as the ole' "sweep her off her feet" method.

When a man moves too quick, it's always a red flag that he's attempting to "fast track" the woman into bed with him.; January 22, 2013 at 5:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SilentScream,
Well, if you don't want to initiate "no contact" which is what I would suggest doing here (to see if he's genuinely interested or just looking for something easy and some free sex) - you can mirror his behavior.

So after a day or two, text him back with this, "Boo to you, too."

Hehe ;-)

Then hang back and see if he gives up, or amps up his efforts. And if he does respond to that immediately, you wait 2-3 hours to respond.

Pull back on that rubber band.; January 22, 2013 at 5:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 22, 4:01PM,
"After a few more days of messaging he suddenly asked on that Saturday if I fancied being spontaneous and meeting up for food. He organised where to meet etc & we had a nice time."

Hmm, don't do that honey. It signals to a man that you've got nothing going on in your life and it sets him up to make last minute requests all the time. Here's a general rule from the book, "All the Rules."

The 3 Day Date Rule

If a man doesn't ask for a date 3 days in advance, you're busy (whether you are or not) and you can't make it because you've already make other plans (whether you have or not). And then you suggest a date 3 days later. For instance, if it's Thursday and he asks for Friday night, nope. You've already made plans (because you're time is valuable, you have a busy life and he needs to treat you respectfully, not take it for granted that you'll be available to him at the last minute - like when the woman he really wanted to see that night made herself unavailable to him. Don't set yourself up to be his "Plan B" that he can go to at the last minute when nothing else pans out for him.)

"I text him on the Saturday morning but it took him hours to respond, which wasn't like him."

That's because you're behavior changed and you took the lead role - you pursued him there. Men don't like that. They believe in natural gender roles - man leads, woman submits. And when a woman starts to pursue a man by initiating contact, right away he thinks things are headed into "relationship" territory FAST - and he'll disappear.

"but it's the change in behaviour that annoys me."

It's not his change in behavior that happened here, it's yours. He simply pulled back a bit (And men do this to test a woman's emotional strength - will she become insecure? Will she begin blowing up my phone? Will she start pursuing me?)

So when he pulled back on Friday, which is normal for a man to do, you did this, "I text him on Saturday morning."

BINGO - there was his answer. See what I mean?

"Do I text him back saying I have plans for Friday but I'm surprised he's asking because I assumed he'd changed his mind about getting to know me?"

NO. Do not display emotions like that with men. If you say, "I'm surprised he's asking because I assumed he'd changed his mind about getting to know me" - again, he's going to read into that and think to himself, "she's insecure."

Because you're acting surprised he's asking you out - when you shouldn't be. Men will not communicate daily with women they are only casually dating, especially when they're on an online dating site and dating other women. You can only expect to hear from a man that you're casually dating about 2-3 times a week, if that. If he's contacting you only once a week, and asking for a date, that's good enough.

The only time a woman should expect more from a man is when:

1) He's told her he loves her

2) He's asked her to be exclusive with him

3) He's asked for a commitment

Anything short of those 3 things listed above and you cannot expect regular/daily communication. Because that's "relationship" status communication - not "dating" status communication.; January 22, 2013 at 5:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 22, 4:01PM,
I forgot to mention, if you do respond back about Friday and you want to go on the date - then you simply say "yes."

You don't say anything else. Keep that to yourself or it's going to scare him off.

He'll sense that you want more, he'll label you as insecure - and he'll run.; January 22, 2013 at 5:50 PM
Anonymous said...: WOW THIS IS SO GOOD! It has finally clicked. Thanks :) I think women are just women..we just want to find someone who really wants to be with us and sometimes it takes us to another level we didn't even see coming. Most of us aren't crazy but it is extremely frustrating to connect with someone only to have him completely cut you off for days or weeks! We all mean well. I think most women know that this is exactly how men work but we always HOPE that the guy we like is different. Truth is they NEVER are. So I totally agree, if you are into someone WALK AWAY until he comes to you. If he doesn't, then why bother with him?? I've gone through this and realised that I should have kept my distance but I was just lonely so when the guy I actually didn't really like showed a lot of interest I gave in. So really all you ladies out there, don't wait for a guy, keep dating and move on if he's not interested! Easier said than done but you got to find a way to move on :) Thanks for a great read!; January 22, 2013 at 5:59 PM
Anonymous said...: LOL, men are so amusing! I sort of have an update, but it's not about Libra Guy (after his frenzy of repeated attempts in December, he's been totally quiet...wonder if he'll try again?!).

Before I discovered your blog, there was this unconfident but cute Leo Guy who disappeared on me for 4 months from September to January, in 2011. I see no long-term potential with him, but I like how traditional and simple he is (I think he's still a virgin at 29).

In January 2011, he went back on the dating site and messaged me. I made the mistake of letting him back in too easily. He explained he stopped emailing me because he felt he was boring me, since he thought I had a much more exciting life. After realizing he upset me, he apologized and regretted his actions.

I felt that it was a sincere apology, so I forgave him.

After a few weeks of chatting again, he expressed his disappointment in online dating - and got off the site (though he did tell me I could find him on Google+).

Another 4 months later, I couldn't stand the silence, and emailed him a short one-liner.

He was all excited, and sent two long emails. Later he even went back on the dating site and created a new account with a username inspired by something I mentioned a YEAR ago. I was touched.

He even initiated texting and calling. I was thinking - this guy is finally stepping up, NICE!

Then unfortunately I took on the male role when I kept pushing for a meet up (he lives in the same city as Libra Guy). I just wanted to have all my plans set in place before flying over - but he just wouldn't make any solid plans with me.

He also said he was afraid of falling in love with me... (ummm what?).

We ended up not meeting (he said he knew he had to work OT and didn't want to promise me anything), then when I flew back home, he texted me asking if I got back home safe... then convo somehow turned into him saying that I deserved better, that he still had to work on himself...that he was socially awkward blah blah.

It was ridiculous - and I told him I liked talking to him as a FRIEND. He replied, "Well that's what I meant." Then I reacted emotionally and said, "If you aren't even capable of being a friend, then I feel very sorry for you. Take care."

He didn't respond after that. That was September 2012.

I figured this guy would resurface in January like he did in 2011 - after 4 months.

And I was half-right. 2 days ago (which would be close to 4 months of him NC-ing me), he went back on the dating site we met on, most likely to check if I was still on (my old profile is gone).

He has a near empty profile (no picture), but he did use to have this blurb that said, all he wanted was to meet someone who could make him a better person. But now he changed it to, "Nothing." LOL.

Wonder if it had something to do with me. ;P Now he can't message me on there, although he still has my number and e-mail.

We've already confirmed that MOST men do come back... and while technically this one did not come back yet, he's definitely thinking of me. ;)

Just takes loads of patience.

If I didn't spook him out earlier with me "pursuing" him, we might still be in touch.

Ugh, wish I discovered your blog earlier, mirror! Could have avoided so many retarded mistakes, lol. Reading what I wrote about the Leo Guy makes me cringe a little.

- Vivian; January 23, 2013 at 5:45 AM
Anonymous said...: Oh mighty Mirror, I need your guidance please! "Vexed Virgo" here, recap of my situation:

Younger Cappy + me were in a show together, crazy chemistry, lots of late night chats and flirting, but he had started dating another girl just before we met. We both confessed our feelings to one another just after the show closed but he decided to continue pursuing his relationship with the other girl. I backed off (haven't spoken with him since December), but still have a DVD he loaned to me the night before the show closed.

Update: Last night I find out Cappy has been blabbing about the situation to a mutual friend who is the biggest gossip I know! And from the sound of it, he's been painting himself in a rosy light - basically insinuating that I had initiated everything, leaving out details about his heavy flirting (holding my hand, playing footsie with me, etc.). I think he's trying to make himself feel better over the fact that he was basically doing all this while in the beginning stages of a relationship with another girl. The mutual friend (who may not be a friend much longer) is now making me sound like some desperate girl who chases after guys with girlfriends and it really ticks me off!

Now, I could just be jumping to conclusions because I haven't heard it straight from the horse's mouth (I plan on asking mutual friend what exactly Cappy told him), but the fact that he shared any information with someone who is a known gossip is bad enough in and of itself. So, of course my (female) roommate says I should call him out, basically say something like this:

"What were you thinking to tell mutual friend our business? You know how he blows things out of proportion. I don't know what was said, but if you think in any way that I was trying to 'steal' you from your girlfriend you are horribly mistaken. We both felt a connection and, as an adult, I felt the mature thing to do was to tell you. I'm very disappointed that you're not the person I thought you were."

Now, though I'm terribly tempted to throw something like this at him, I don't want to come off as overly emotional and essentially lose all my power in the situation.

What do you think, Mirror? Should I say anything, or just cut him off all together? I was also supposed to see a show that both he and mutual friend are in, but now I think it might be better to not attend and give the DVD he loaned to me to a friend so they can pass it to him without me having to see him.

Is this the best course of action? Thanks so much, this blog has helped me more than you can possibly imagine!; January 23, 2013 at 6:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VexedVirgo,
DON'T send that. It's TMI...too much information - about your emotions. And you can bet that if you send that, he's going to put a spin on that and have a field day with it.

You'll be the crazy chic.

That's what he'll do with that. Honestly, if I were you...I'd be laughing my ass of at this. He's feeling insecure...so he's running his mouth. That means you got to him, he's irritated about it and its causing him to behave in a whiny, cover his ass type of way.

It's very easy to see through it all LOL ;-)

As far as I'm concerned...you win LOL. He's been punked down and now he's acting bizarre. I mean...men gossiping LOL? Hilarious.

If I were you, I'd give him more of what's driving him nuts....silence ;-); January 23, 2013 at 6:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much, Mirror! I would have gone with the crazy, knee-jerk reaction before I started reading your blog. I will stay quiet.

Just one more question...should I go to the show that they're in? I have other friends who are in it, so I want to be supportive, but I don't want to run into Cappy either, or make him think I'm going for his sake.; January 23, 2013 at 7:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous,
If you can keep it together at the show, go. But honestly, I'd sit this one out. He won't be expecting that and that'll catch him off guard. Then these folks who think your chasing him will all begin to look at him like, "why isn't she here stalking you like you've been running your mouth about." He'll look like an ass.

Don't give folks something to talk about...let your silence speak volumes ;-); January 23, 2013 at 7:42 PM
Anonymous said...: VexedVirgo-

To add my two cents- when I read your comment, the first thing that came to my mind re: him talking to another guy about you was "SHE GOT HIM." MOA always has it right!

He knew "the gossip" would relay the information back to you and he is more than likely waiting for a reaction from you and he is going to get none. I LOVE IT LOL. You're on his mind, girl!

I had something similar happen and the dude suddenly reappeared soon thereafter because I guess it just blew his mind I was so unaffected. Don't be surprised if he makes a mediocre attempt at "feeling you out"- such as inquiring about his DVD lol.; January 23, 2013 at 9:13 PM
Piscesgirl said...: First of all I want to thank you for this article, it only gave me more strenght to continue what I have been doing past month and a half.
I also want to apologize in advance for mistakes I will make because English is my second language.

A Pisces guy broke up with me on December 1st 2012, saying he feels preasure and needs space for him to figure out what he wants from his life. Basicaly, to sum it up, he fell out of love, he's not feeling the same about me anymore and that's what he told me in some ways. I felt something was off a month before and we talked about it but whenever I sugested that we break up he told me he cares about me and wants to work out the relationship. Two days after that kind of conversation he broke up.
I guess I should've broke it up myself but I just couldn't do it because I fell in love with him really hard. He told me the same, he even told me loves me.

While reading your article and links related to it I couldn't help but notice how you described him in almost every word. He commited too fast, he insisted to, he called me sweet names like two or three weeks into relationship... well, like I said, most of the things you wrote describes him. Unfortunately, I still do love him and I'm hoping we might get back toghether. :/

When we were breaking up I didn't plead, beg or cried (not much :D). I agreed with him and let him go. We talked like 3-4 days after he said he wants out and after that we went NC. He told me he thinks it's for the best that we act like we don't know each other for at least a month and later who knows... he'd love for us to be friends sometimes since (and he said it in those exact words) I'm the best girlfriend he ever had and he knows he might regret breaking up in a few months. He just cannot do it anymore, not right now.
At first it gave me hope, I held onto those words like drowning man but later I figured it was just a way of letting me down easy. I agreed with everything, I said he was right, we probably should break up and that I also need time to sort thigs out myself. I was a little bit cocky and I told him that he'll reach out for me eventually. He said that there is no way we'll ever get back together and that he's hoping to find someone he can commit 100% because he believes in true love and that his next, in all due respect, GF has to be better than me in every way It hurt me a lot, but I just smiled and said goodbye.

We remained friends on FB but never talked. Never made any contact. He restriced me to some of his posts and pictures and blocked me on chat.
I did the same to him but we could still see what the other one was posting, just not everything.

Last Saturday he liked one of the songs I posted three days before that. I thought it was by mistake because he couldn't see it in news feed, he had to visit my profile, but I wasn't mistaken, it was really him. You can only imagine how I felt, my whole day brightened up. Then I noticed he unblocked me from chat. I went offline when I saw him and did nothing.
I'm not planning to either.

I have troubles now to understand what it all means. I try not to read into it too much but I just can't help but think that he's thinking of me too and wants some sort of contact. Is he waiting for me to make a move now? If he is I can say he's wrong, because that is not nearly enough to make me react. I'm planning on ignoring him like before until he puts some effort in and actually SAYS something.

Still, I'm afraid it just doesn't mean anything. Could it be that he's way over our situation and he just wants to make it clear that we're okay as friends? I tend to over analyze as you see.

What should I do if he does sends a message or something? Or should I just give up on it, because that might be all he'll do.

Thank you again, in advance, your article helped me a lot itself. :); January 23, 2013 at 9:18 PM
Don't Play Games. said...: The only way to win the game is to NOT PLAY, Period. This list is for little boys, not men.; January 23, 2013 at 11:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,

I just wanted to see what your opinion is on this. I hung out with this guy a couple times on the weekends. I did not sleep with him but we did make out and honestly just cuddled. I know he wants to sleep with me but I didn't let it get that far. All of a sudden I stopped hearing from him until tonight. I saw him at the gym and said hi and that was it. Later I get a text from him asking "you good?" I responded yeah i'm good, you? And he said good just making sure.

I have no idea what he means. Is he making sure we're okay since he totally disappeared on me? I'm confused.

Thank you,
Confused DS; January 24, 2013 at 1:46 AM
SilentScream said...: Dear Mirror,

I replied to Mr. Taurus' text with a short one liner after a day that he sent his text to me. We had a couple "how are you?" texts back and forth..and that was it. Didn't ask me out or mention anything about meeting up. Nothing today. I have a feeling he will starting disappearing again...maybe for another 2.5-3 weeks like last time. What is this all about?!? I mean, if he wasn't interested...fine. I get it if there's no chemistry and no spark. But I'm pretty sure we had that...so why does he go for weeks without contact and then comes back with a short text and then disappear again? If he wasn't interested in pursuing me, then why even bother to reach out? So do I start NC again but for the full 30 days this time? And do you think he will come back around again? Ugh, how frustrating! :(; January 24, 2013 at 4:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Don't Play Games,
You're absolutely right. None of this is recommended to be used as malice or for nefarious purposes towards a man. And none of the women here have initiated "the game." The men have and you will see how they're being treated by these men if you read through the comments.

The true message for women here isn't necessarily about "getting the guy" so much as it's more one of "self-preservation" when dealing with insecure men who DO play games. So that the woman doesn't get run over and left for dead in a "hit and run" scenario.

Instead, she learns how to deal with the insecure men and the players - to weed them out and learn to distinguish them from the good guys.

None of this applies to true gentlemen. Because true gentlemen DO NOT treat women like this, nor do they play games.

If women follow this and learn the skills to weed out the insecure players from the true gentlemen - they'll be able to distinguish an insecure guy playing games from a true gentleman - and focus their energy on the true gentlemen in their life instead of the jerk that's playing games.; January 24, 2013 at 8:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @PiscesGirl,
Follow your gut here. It's speaking to you.

If he contacts you, you mirror his behavior. You pull back, remain protected and guarded here, and you take a couple of days to respond.

You wait for him to prove himself to you. A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out.

A man that is only half interested will make one or two attempts and then disappear again.

Wait this one out. He needs to prove himself to you here.; January 24, 2013 at 8:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused DS,
I laughed out loud when I read, "Later I get a text from him asking "you good?" . . "And he said good just making sure."

LOL! He's a little stumped as to why you're not crumbling and falling apart over him.

Because what he wants to hear is, "No, I'm not good. I miss you. I need you. Won't you come back to me - PLEASE!?"

Hehe, get it?

His ego is a little bruised with the knowledge that you're doing just fine without him ;-); January 24, 2013 at 9:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SilentScream,
"What is this all about?!?"

That's a man "testing the waters" with a woman. He's checking to see if this is going to be easy. He wanted to see if you'd jump right into his lap when he contacted you, LOL.

"so why does he go for weeks without contact and then comes back with a short text and then disappear again?"

Because he's playing games and he's testing your emotional strength.

"If he wasn't interested in pursuing me, then why even bother to reach out?"

To see if you'd jump in his lap when he did - so he could get free and easy sex without barely lifting a finger to get it.

"So do I start NC again but for the full 30 days this time?"

If you really want to know if he's genuinely interested or not - or simply seeking free sex - then yes, wait him out.

"And do you think he will come back around again?"

He may do the same thing repeatedly. And when a man does that, it signals that he's a player that's circling back around to women in his rotation when their number comes up.

A man that disappears and reappears repeatedly without asking for a date - is a sign of an insecure guy that's looking for a woman to make things easy on him by returning in the hopes that she'll chase him and offer herself up on a platter to him.

In which case, you'll become a "hit and run" and he'll disappear all over again.; January 24, 2013 at 9:06 AM
Anonymous said...: @mirror,

Thank you for your response earlier. So what do I do now? Just hang back and wait for him to contact again? Should I ever initiate?

Thanks in advance,
Confused DS; January 24, 2013 at 1:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ConfusedDS,
If you want the confusion to go away, you pull back and let him come to you. The only way you know a man is genuinely interested is by seeing if he pursues you.

As a result, when you pull back - you gain clarity.

And it becomes crystal clear whether the man is interested or not.

And no, I don't feel women should pursue men. And yes, men consider a woman initiating contact as pursuit, as the woman chasing them. Read the piece here under the "dating and love" tab up in the header navigation titled "How, What, When to Text Men" to gain a better understanding of how men interpret that behavior in women.; January 24, 2013 at 3:47 PM
SilentScream said...: Thank you for your suggestions and advice, Mirror! I will wait this one out and sit back for 30 days to see where this goes. These games men play are really exhausting. Sigh. I'll be back to let you know what happens. I have a feeling this is not the end of him. Thanks again for all your valuable advice!; January 24, 2013 at 3:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror, I (female, 42) may be an over-analyzing Taurus but got it figured out now! Here it goes:
- NC since 3 January with my ex-husband, who insists on staying friends, after saying for about 1 year that he was not sure whether he wanted to stay married until I finally granted him his liberty and divorced him. (Forget it. He can't deal with 'yes' and he can't deal with 'no'. He should go and find another woman to dance to his emotional fiddle);
- NC since 3 January with the guy I had a 1 night stand with two years ago and who disappeared on me. I did not want to blame him for me not setting any rules before sleeping with him so I kinda remained in contact. Trying to be a good sport and all.(Forget it. He's a flaker)
- NC since 21 Dec with the guy I completely & utterly fell in love with last year, but who said that us having a relationship would be 'unlikely'. (Okidoki - that dust cloud over there? That's me disappearing over the horizon);
- NC since 21 January with my most recent fling, who told me is now getting back together with his ex but would not mind hooking up again. (No mister, no such luck. And please don't send me a wedding invitation when things work out)
Sitting here feeling mighty fine about it all! And I honestly don't care who circles back and when. And oh yes, another new year's resolutiom - I no longer respond to texts. In my renewed dating attemmpts, texting men have been the biggest source of irritation for me. I'd find myself staring at the darn phone every 5 minutes and then not quite understanding the text when I finally got one. So I have officially stopped sending or responding to text mesages. If they want my attention they must pick up the phone or drop by.
Oh well, I may end up finding myself alone and bored of course, but at least not anxious and insecure, and that is a major change in my life. Thanks for this blog Mirror!; January 24, 2013 at 4:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Omg mirror & everyone who sort of remembers me talking about this Libra Guy on and on and on for months:

Well he tapped me AGAIN.

Here I was thinking - after multiple attempts in December (him hitting me up on text, email, gchat, looking me up on the dating site, etc.) - and then silence... I thought, okay, he really has forgotten me now.

Today, 31 days since his last attempt, he looked up one of our gchats from September (!!!) on the day that we first met, and replied, "Miss you."

I've been doing NC for 2 months, and haven't responded to any of these attempts. I might tap him at 4 months, although I see no rush since he has a gf now.

But I'll admit, it feels good to hear from him, because it makes me realize I have a lot more value than I think (okay and I do miss him). Plus, I don't need to hang around a man to remind him I exist.

So to all the ladies out there: don't be afraid to use NC for as long as you need, even when you think he'll move on and forget you.

It works, it works...and...IT WORKS!

- Vivian; January 24, 2013 at 8:03 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous January 24, 2013 4:49PM

"that dust cloud over there? That's me disappearing over the horizon."

LOL LOL you crack me up. I'm going to steal that for next time.

Don't worry about being bored...when these men circle back, it'll be more than enough entertainment for you. Just sensing their regret over not treating you properly and then realizing they probably lost their chance forever... ahhh... feels good. ;)

- Vivian; January 24, 2013 at 8:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
"31 days since his last attempt"

That 30 day mark - you can damn near set your watch to that, LOL. I betcha' at least 60% of the men that disappear, reappear right around that 30 day mark.

I've had several, and I mean several, reappear ON the 30 day mark. It's uncanny.

Two weeks, 30 days and the 3 to 4 month range - those are the most likely return dates. But like I've said, and like we've all seen, these guys circle back years later and around the 8 to 9 month mark, too.

Basically, never say never with them, LOL. But that 30 day mark, it's crazy. It's so crazy . . I've even suspected men of setting their damn calendars to it, LOL.

And apparently, ole' Libra guy isn't as happy as appearances would have it - in this so-called "relationship" of his ;-); January 24, 2013 at 8:57 PM
virgochick said...: Ok, so update LOL.

After that rude text I got last week, I have remained really calm. I've been talking to some mutual mates of ours about moving out doing my own thing (since due to an ex I own a house which I had to move out of so I am living with family temporarily till its sold) and its been keeping me really positive. I am planning a holiday, going out more its been fine.

So I came back from a trip to another state, and I got a "how was your trip" message. I left it for a while said "was good thanks". Then he kept asking questions like "what did you get up to" so I said hung out with some friends etc.

I am silly, I should have held back, but in any case I am not giving him any inside info of what I did, let that remain a mystery.

Over next few days, he has been contacting me I guess cause he is figuring out I am actually not being sad and having a laugh with our friends, they know everything thats going on with me yet he doesnt have a clue. So he keeps on asking me things like "whats news" I just said looking at moving out, im in control and having a good time sorting life out. He says "wow you're really motivated and positive :)"

I asked how he was, and BOY... it all spilled out. He's been drinking every day, smoking weed, gets himself depressed but he is getting better and starting to look after himself. I did not give an inch of sympathy. I just said, yeah thats really bad. Sorry but I felt he doesn't deserve my sympathy after all this. Literally talked more than the last 2 months I was like, wtf just happened?

I don't know its as though one minute he is a pig, then he is really real to me like we used to be. I don't know if that is the drugs or what but anyway I am just once again in such a good place and clearly he isn't and its bothering him that I am ok?

I am starting to get texts late at night also asking if I am awake, to which I don't respond.

Anyway, this time, I haven't got hopes up I am just showing him that the interest level has plummeted, at the same time just getting on with whats best for me. :); January 25, 2013 at 2:06 AM
Anonymous said...: j; January 26, 2013 at 7:45 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm a pieces female. I'm talking to a guy through facebook chatting. I knew him from college but we weren't friends back then. He's abroad for his PhD. We used to talk on a regular basis, then he got so busy with his family and friends visiting him for the last month. Now we rarely talk and when we do we talk for like 10 mins or so and then he has to sleep becasue he's been tired all day working and then going outfor his family and friends straight after work and by night the time when we usually talk, he's exhausted and he has to sleep to wake up early for his work and the cycle repeats everyday!! I like the guy but we've been taking this in baby steps way and it's getting annoying to me!! I mean i need to take this into a higher level but the circumstances are not letting this happen. We both enjoy our conversations but now they became very very rare. He usually starts the conversations and he always comes back but now i dont feel comfortable talking because i know that in the next 10 or 15 minutes he'll be telling me goodnight! I once said it in a sarcastic way by telling him the busy guy and so , i didnt want to seem like the complaining or demanding type. But it's really annoying i mean i miss him and i miss talking to him and i plan to let him take this into a higher level but it won't happen with his busy schedule. I don't know what's the best way i should treat him? Should i be nice and neutral everytime he talks to me? or should i not overlook this and that he should make time for me and fit me in his busy schedule? or should i tell him that ? Did I mention he's a Taurus? Please help me through with this because i'm so confused and dont know what to do!!!!; January 26, 2013 at 8:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Interesting comment someone left here. Ladies, please note....my exes name is Jay ;-); January 26, 2013 at 8:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 26, 8:01PM,
A man that is genuinely interested will make time for you. But he has to want to do that. It's not something you can demand with words. And when a woman applies pressure to a man, he generally pulls back.

There's nothing you can do other than initiate no contact and see if he pursues you. A man that genuinely likes you will seek you out.

If he doesn't, try to accept it as best you can and move on. You can't make a man love you or want a relationship with you :-(; January 26, 2013 at 8:30 PM
Anonymous said...: UPDATE: HE REAPPEARED

I wrote early Dec. Just a quick update. After 38 days he reappeared with a text out the blue saying "How u been?" I waited a few hours and responded "Great..and u?" He responded right away with "Doing well thanks, happy new year to you". I didn't respond. Thats been about 9 days ago. Haven't heard anything else from him. This is just too funny to me.
-Lil Bit-; January 26, 2013 at 10:59 PM
Anonymous said...: @ lil Bit

Was this a guy you were dating? If so, why did you reply same day? Just curious for your reasons and what motivated you to reply only in a few hours.; January 27, 2013 at 3:30 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous jan 27 at 3:30pm

me and this guy was fwb on and off for 5 years. I've always wanted to be more than that. He came back in my life in July 2012 and I told him upfront
what I was looking for and I'm not into fwb anymore. As far as why I replied same day, I'm still beating myself up for that. I have no idea why..anxious I guess.; January 27, 2013 at 7:55 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Lit Bit

I totally understand replying same day - been there, done that. BUT I promise you it really really REALLY makes a difference - to both you and how he perceives it - if you really do wait days to reply as MOA says. That's all I've been doing and it really does sort everything out. Good luck next time! He'll be back and you can delay it - I'd say at least for a week but whatever MOA says really do that!. Don't let anxiety get in the way, men can sense that a mile off! I asked why because I guessed anxiety might have been it, because that's how I used to feel too before I changed my perception of these situations.; January 27, 2013 at 9:51 PM
Don't Play Games said...: Thanks for your reply Mirror of Aphrodite, I really liked what you had to say and agree totally. My true concern is that women will be withdrawing or pulling away from these obviously insecure and immature men, arousing their interest and then find themselves being pursued.

But in the end, who are they being pursued by? By an insecure, immature man who doesn't know how to be in a relationship that is healthy.

Sometimes these men who circle back are playing games with the women they are with, pulling away from a wife/girlfriend, you know, trying to teach a loved one a "lesson" by making them jealous. He might be deciding if he wants to leave that relationship, and testing the waters with some poor unsuspecting soul or maybe even consoling himself after a fight.

I think by pulling away, in the hope that he comes chasing (the Tom & Jerry/cat and mouse game) or guarding your behavior and withholding your true feelings (in the hopes that now he feels insecure and will try to "prove himself" to you) a woman is just simply being emotionally dishonest.

Yeah, you may end up with that person but what you won't end up with, IMHO, is a MAN.

I do agree that many little boys who haven't matured act and behave in the ways you've described and many of them respond to the tactics that you've outlined but I, personally, have never seen or read about a healthy, mature relationship that arises out of these behaviors.

The last person who did this sort of disappearing act on me - we made a date and he didn't show up or call - I told him point blank, I have no interest in dealing with a person who does not value my time/attention. I told him what he did was rude and I deserved an apology. This was someone I knew for years platonically but he had never attempted to get romantic with me.

After six days, he sent me a text apologizing; he said he knew he was wrong and had no excuse but he was extremely tired that day and handled it all wrong. He said "I am and was wrong and I'm sorry". I sent a reply saying that I accepted his apology and no hard feelings. I sent it several hours after not because I wanted him to sweat it out or wonder if I'd reply, but because I was considering exactly what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.
He replied thanks, and I didn't hear frm him again for six days.

Of course he circled back, because they ALWAYS COME BACK. He sent me a text stating that he "missed me".

I answered, "So? What are you prepared to do about that?"

He said he would come and see me, and I asked did he really believe that it would be that easy?

Actually, what I wrote to him was, "Typical Scorpio. Do you really think that it will be that easy?"

I'm a Leo by the way. This was around Christmas. Christmas Day came and went and I did not hear from him until the 29th, another "I miss you."

I read that text and then I simply ignored it. Obviously this man is either married, in a relationship with someone or looking to fill a FWB or booty call spot on his roster, positions that I have zero interest in.

He text me the other day with a simple "Hi", and I read it and deleted it.

Texting has become just another way for insecure men to try and connect with women without taking any emotional risks. I get texts from men who I've written off years ago. Another one sent me a text that said, "Don't try and act like you don't miss me."

This man will send me random texts through out the year like a person pitches a line hoping to hook a fish. The sad truth is that little boys like this will keep trying until they get a response. They can't have healthy, long lasting relationships WITH ANYONE so they are always looking for someone to waste their time with.; January 27, 2013 at 11:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello J ;)

I have noticed around the 30day mark these boys make some kind of move. And I should add that Moose and Posh are two different guys : ) Yes BB showed signs of contact on the one month mark, then set his profile to friends only. Im still unblocked, he can see anything I set to public and pic that our friends in common put up. But he has so many friends on fb it’s ridiculous. I want more then anything to just freaking forget about him (its now 70 days of NC).

Moose came to my regular Thursday night spot, we basically made eye contact that was it. started a convo the next day, he asked when he could see me and I replied IDK. Hes moving away in a month and personally im not being an easy lay. No I don’t want more but im deff not rolling over. Ive already decided it was best to not hookup with him again.

Posh (a diff guy)……. He showed up at our regular sat night spot, danced with me. We ended with saying good night. He texted me later that evening, and again the next day. My life has calmed down……. Thank god….lol. I just want BB out of my mind, 70 days of NC (him showing a sign at 30d) and you would think id be over it. another part of me feels like if we had just “friends” each other then none of this would be happening. Or if he just put in more effort it would have already happened ;) I can easily be friends with a guy after a fling, I don’t miss lead them or get there hopes up (okay maybe I showed more emotions to him then either of us expected, it wasn’t “love” emotions, it was a serious desire to hookup…lol).

My friend who came to visit his family for the holidays, its been almost a month of NC………. perhaps February 1st ill have something to post about ;)

Kay; January 28, 2013 at 9:41 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror

In the article you say "once a man has conquered something it loses its appeal, so you must never let him know he's conquered you." So other than the obvious (like not making him a priority, changing your life around for him, spending less time with your own friends, etc.) would you say that when a man does wrong and a woman yells at him, stands up for herself, voices her opinion, puts him in his place is she showing him she has been conquered or is she showing him that she will not be disrespected. I often find myself b****ing guys out, which usually puts them off, because I guess they see the nasty, vulgar, violent, revengeful, dark side of me, but in my opinion a guy who cannot handle that is not worth the time. What do you think?

Also, there has to be a point in a relationship where the two people agree "I want you, you want me. We care for each other, etc." So it is hard to play that balance because there is
always that fear the guy will give up and think you are not interested.; January 28, 2013 at 7:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 28, 7:31PM,
Never let fear steer the wheel and never underestimate your value to a man.

And refrain from emotional displays with them. Communicate in a mature, matter of fact way when necessary, if you truly want to be heard, and communicate in their language if you really want to get through to them - their language is action.

Men don't talk things through with each other...they take action with one another. And they tune emotion out. When they're hit with emotional displays - they do the same thing - they tune them out; January 28, 2013 at 8:30 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms Mirror and All,

After reading all the activity going on, I thought I’d give an update on Virgo practice.

He’s still i-m’ing me at work, and texting me at night. After that Saturday 2 weeks ago when he tried calling the cell and house (and I didn’t answer) and him asking me if I was scared of him, and me days later telling him that yes, I was, he hasn’t tried calling again. (And if he did, I’m not sure I want to start that again.)

Since he’s been back, I have NEVER initiated communication – not once. He always initiates, and I have not received any negative feedback from him as to why I don’t contact him first, etc. So, I’m thinking, maybe this is comfortable for him: initiating, and being the one in control of our communication.

I have also kept all of my communication to him without emotion – and he seems to be sharing more of his feelings w/me. He wasn’t feeling well last week, and he told me he was playing it up as much as he could with me.

The other day in an i-m, he added a broken heart emoticon, and today he added a rose and a kiss emoticon – that never happened before. (I know that sounds stupid, but believe me, Virgo was a judgmental mid-America lock-box, so these small gestures are different coming from him. AND with my new LOGICAL thinking, believe me, this ISN’T enough for me, but if I was working off of EMOTION, I’d be saying, “Oh, see how hard he is trying? I need to accept this as enough.” (NOPE!) :)

He told me last week that he has learned a lot from/about me, but I didn’t pursue it. I am keeping it so very light and he just keeps coming – over 3 weeks now.

Our changes in behavior are still very interesting to me; and I’m starting to think about Ms. Mirror’s 80% rule. I don’t think Virgo has a chance with the 80% because, during the time he was away, my home became a place of comfort and peace and safety that I had never felt before (and I’ve lived here for 20 yrs). It will take quite a man for me to give this haven up at this time in my life.

Still no word from Scorpio… over two months since we were together and we shared our first “love you’s”, and six weeks since I responded to his booty text that I was mad at him. Girlfriends at work still want me to go to where he works (retail), but I won’t do it. It’s funny, they absolutely don’t understand why it’s no skin off my nose to go to another town if I need to get something from this particular store instead of the one in town. They think he has "control over me"; I don’t see it that way. I still see it as knowing my limitations, setting my boundaries and not playing, or settling, or abandoning myself. If he wants me, he knows how to find me. (I've been starting to wonder about his 80% as well.)

HUGS to ALL!; January 30, 2013 at 8:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Aphrodite - It was great reading your article. I am in a situation here. Separated as my spouse never respected me. But now I am dating this guy who is MIA the very next day we date. I was thoroughly myself when it came to planning any dates. He is pretty decent and is not sleazy at all. He also took enough time to decide how much to go forward in this relation. Thr was one thing that hurt me a lot and I decided to go MIA until both of us realize what is it all about. After a month of taking this decision he tried to message me/ call me but i did not attend any of them. Recently we met unintentionally and I was just nice to him by smiling and saying hello/hi. Nothing much!! Now after 3 days he called me to ask for dinner. I was very keen in meeting up with him but decided to keep the my desire to myself. I am at a juncture where I am recovering from my past relation and this new guy has started showing interest in me. I am confused if this return of new guy is again to MIA or genuine. How to identify that? I know you wont have a clear answer but may be some indications that might help will be really helpful. Thanks dear.; January 31, 2013 at 1:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 31, 1:47AM,
You're going to have to take baby steps here with him to feel him out. So to protect yourself, hang back a bit with him this time. Don't answer his calls/texts immediately and don't make yourself always available to him. Make him work for your time.

If his behavior starts to signal he might disappear again - you disappear first ;-); January 31, 2013 at 8:57 AM
Bubble said...: Hi MOA, I deleted a disappearing guy off facebook out of anger. So would it look desperate of me to add him back or should I just let it be? Out of fear that he'll think "oh shes right there."
I am on the no contact thing you spoke about...its been about a month now since we last spoke. I honestly think, (which im not proud of) that if I add him back that he will remember my face and that might make him contact me. Silly I know. I dont know what to do besides wait it out or move on. Any advice?; January 31, 2013 at 6:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bubble,
Honestly, and no disrespect here, but to a man, that's the type of behavior from women that appears desperate and emotional to men. Desperate that its YOU coming back (because friending on social profiles is a form of communication) and emotional because one minute your deleting him...then the next, you're friending him. It appears emotionally unstable to men and its also the reason I ask women not to take action when they're in an emotional state. It's always regrettable :-(

He'll see right through that, he'll consider it pursuit and he may not accept it and reject it...which will hurt you more.

Also, friending on social media would be breaking no contact. The point of no contact is to disappear. Not to disappear and then reappear via different methods. Men see through that.

Don't chase after a man and don't try to convince or remind him you exist. If you have to remind a man you exist - he's not a man that's worth having in your life.

The only men you want in your life are the men who want to be in yours - no exceptions ;-); January 31, 2013 at 7:26 PM
bubble said...: Thank you so much! I would've regretted that. :); January 31, 2013 at 8:54 PM
SilentScream said...: So when you start NC, should you deactivate your Facebook account if the guy you are disappearing from is one of your friends? Or unfriend him? Or leave the account up and as it is but don't have any activity on there, such as "liking" his pics or commenting on his posts?; February 1, 2013 at 3:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Silent Scream,
This is where no contact can get tricky. Most times, I'd say not to make any rash, obvious moves such as unfriending the guy because - well, men see through that. It actually reassures them that you like them and you're upset. And when a woman is upset, it means she cares.

However, if it was a serious relationship and the MAN ended it - said he didn't want a relationship, blah blah blah - then in those cases, yes, I feel an unfriending is necessary. It's necessary to shut him out and deliver the consequences of HIS decision - which is to not know, see or hear anything about what's going on in your life.

So I guess maybe one way to handle the social media thing is:

1) If it's you doing a slow fade and simply initiating no contact because a man was disrespecting your or taking you for granted, leave the profile alone, don't unfriend, but also don't respond, like, share or participate in anything he's doing there. Just ignore. In this case - don't play your cards. Keep him guessing about what's going on with you.

2) If it was HIM that flat out broke it off or stated he didn't want a relationship or wanted to date others, etc. Basically, if the MAN rejects YOU - then unfriend him, block him and cut him off on social media. Deliver the consequences of his behavior to him. He basically has said "I don't want you" and as a result, he's not going to get you. Not going to get to see any part of your life, not going to have a way to communicate with you there or keep tabs on you there. In that case, he gets shut off - as a consequence of his decision.

Naturally, this isn't a rule or anything, however, social media is sticky territory for this type of thing. It keeps people in touch. And when a man calls it quits with a woman, he doesn't get the benefit of keeping in touch in any way.

Make sense?; February 1, 2013 at 8:51 AM
Anonymous said...: Aphrodite - The funny fact is this guy whom I am dating recently removed me from FB because of some minor fights we had. Fights were more like "I told him off clearly that I dont want to be treated as an option". He reacted to it and then I started ignoring him. He had then started calling me / texting me. Later he just removed me and I was like it cant be anymore funny!! After removing me from FB exactly after 15 days we met coincidently and as i said I just nice to him by smiling and hi/bye talks. His brother on the hand was nice to me and was talking a lot. He infact said that I want you to consier your decision again about not talking to my brother and I told him off that "I am super firm on my decision" ;) Later his brother did tell him to have a walk with me and sort out but he did not come with me. I kind of like it about him that even he takes his time to get comfortable with the situation. Yea and later exactly after 5 days he gave me a call and asked for dinner. He never asked me for dinner date until today. It was always over a drink date. I was amazed. Super amazed ;); February 1, 2013 at 12:16 PM
Ellie said...: Dear Mirror,I would just like to thank you for your great job, your precious advice both in the articles and in this forum,and infinite patience with all your readers. I wish you all the very, very best and let all your dreams concerning love as well as other areas of your life come true!; February 1, 2013 at 4:32 PM
SilentScream said...: Thank you for your advice, MIrror. I totally agree with #2. As to your advice on #1...I agree with leaving the profile alone, don't unfriend him, don't respond, like, share or participate in anything HE'S doing there. Afterall, I don't feel like I should have to deactivate my FB acct for him because I don't want to give him that much power over me. However, you say don't respond, like, share, or participate in anything he's doing (which totally makes sense), but how about my own postings? Should I continue to post like usual, whether I'm posting a pic or a status update? Maybe just filter it so that he's excluded from what I post? My point is that I want to disappear with NC....so should I even let him see what I post, giving him a glimpse into what's happening in my life although there is no actual or real communication (text, call, email)? I mean, I'm sure a lot of us girls are secretly curious at what they are up to sometimes even though we are doing the NC and sometimes do end up peeking at their profiles...and I'm sure guys do the same too. So should I even give him that glimpse into my life or just exclude him from my postings and keep him guessing? Thanks again for your advice.; February 1, 2013 at 5:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SilentScream,
I'm going to assume he didn't reject you here, so an absolute block isn't necessary.

If that's the case, leave things be. Don't provide a reaction to him. Go on about your life and your business as you normally would. If he sees it, he sees it. Do not participate or engage in anything with him there. If he comments on anything, ignore it. Even if it's a question. Do not answer it.

If you're attempting NC, simply do not communicate in any way, shape or form - and do not respond.; February 1, 2013 at 8:09 PM
Anonymous said...: After 75 days of NC....... BB sends me a text at 4am (this morning) "hey you". I was out with my BFF when I got it and I'm freaking out. Holy shit! As much as I wanted him to text me, I really didn't think he would. Im not sure what to do

Kay; February 2, 2013 at 4:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kay,
Whatever you do, don't do anything for at least two days here ;-); February 2, 2013 at 9:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Oh hunny, if ive learned anything from this sight/ you, his ass isn't getting anything for at least three days...... Possibly longer. Everyone knows what tomorrow is right, football! I'm not ready to start all that again. And he has yet to really chase..... If he wants me that bad he's gonna have to try a little harder, then harder and harder. If he doesn't, we'll that's okay bc there's plenty of men who are chasing. I'm not being a cold bitch but ive come so far to let that slip away :) So basically, I'm really fucking busy, and if I don't receive more texts in three days, then I'm still busy. I have no erg to text him. I feel in control right now and it's great!

Kay; February 2, 2013 at 5:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror of Aphrodite! So to cut the long story short, I've been talking to this guy but things haven't been going too well between us. He's pulled the Disappearing Act a few times and I got so annoyed of his little "pranks" that I began to ignore him every he'd try to talk to me, whether it be via txt, email, or facebook. I've been ignoring him because I wanted to see how he'd react to it, I mean this hasn't been the first time I've ignored him and usually he catches on pretty quickly and will try to make up for it. However this time was different. Next thing you now, he deletes me off of facebook and we are no longer facebook buddies. -_- I know that's something that I shouldn't make into a big deal, I mean c'mon, it's just facebook right? BUT WRONG! Lol. I was so shocked and confused, which ultimately left me feeling really sad. I got the impression that he didn't want anything to have to do with me anymore, he no longer cared, and that we couldn't even be friends anymore. Yes I was ignoring him but I had reason to!!! And ever since then he stopped trying to contact me and it's been about 2-3 weeks now.

So the other night I was a the bars with some of my girls; we were out for a friends birthday. And I ran into him at the bars. It was so awkward and of course he couldn't even look my way or didn't even have the guts to come up and say hi. So in which case, I decided to be the bigger person and go up and say hi. And based on his facial expression and reaction, he didn't think I'd go up and say hi. Haha. - We both talked and turns out that the ONLY reason why he deleted me was because I was ignoring him and never replied back to him whenever he'd write to me. -________________- So stupid. Right now he's trying to play victim and make me feel bad for HIS OWN MISTAKES. Our last conversation went like this:

Him: Hater, I haven't heard from you since Dec. 23, that's a long time.
Me: you're so non-apologetic
Him: Your Facebook messenger works again?
Me: We're friends again?
Him: We've always been. Just not Facebook friends. You weren't the only one I deleted.
Me: That makes me feel so much better.
Him: Okay that's good. Sarcasm much? I think you have more to explain than me.
(Some time passed)
Him: And then the ignoring begins .... avoiding questions ...
Me: What do you want to know? What did I do that was so wrong huh? Is deleting me your way of "getting back at me?" Is that how it works now? Does that make YOU happy?
Him: I thought I'd be doing you a favor actually. Cause I mean, you're the one that never replies back. Just see for yourself.
Me: I'd at least think you'd be a bit more apologetic but ur not at all. Instead you just shift blame. Do w/e makes you happy, I'm not going to make this a big deal. It is what it is .. w/e I did to make you delete me, I'm sorry. Enjoy the superbowl, stay warm, and stay well.

Do you think I handled that correctly? I mean ... what he did was really immature of him, which I find odd because usually he never acts this way but honestly, I'm not going to sit and take his crap. What do you think's going to happen from here? :/; February 3, 2013 at 9:47 PM
Anonymous said...: (Continue)

his reply:
How am I shifting blame when you are to blame for my actions? You're not at fault at all here? Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

So he's basically blaming me for him having deleting me. -_- Omfg. I don't know how to deal with this w/o coming off as mean.; February 4, 2013 at 1:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, I am wondering whether I should wish my ex a happy birthday and would love your insight on the situation.

I broke up with him over a year ago, though it seemed to be mutual. We have maintained more or less regular, friendly but cautious contact ever since the break up, (we text maybe about once a month, him initiating most of it)….recently I had left the country for a week and he had happened to text me a few times during that time, but I didn't receive them due to lack of coverage. When I came back, we texted a bit, but he still had no idea I was out of the country and probably thought I was ignoring him. I later decided to let him know I hadn't received those earlier texts and asked if everything was alright, but he ignored that text. I wasn't happy about being ignored and didn't contact him after that.

It has been over a week since that deal, and I have mixed feelings. My main guess of why he ignored me is that he thought I was lying about not receiving his earlier texts and thought I was just ignoring him. Other times, I just plain think he ignored me because he wanted to play games and blow me off! I do feel bad that he may think I ignored him, but I also feel hurt and upset about being ignored, especially since I attempted to at least let him know I didn't get the earlier ones….Based on our history, I do still care about him alot, and I get the feeling that he does think of me regularly too, or at least don't wish I fell off the earth lol.

I want to smooth this over, and his birthday is coming up. Should I wish him a happy birthday? Or should I let it pass and let him come to me? Would wishing him a happy birthday be overkill and make me look desperate, since he hadn’t responded to that earlier text?; February 4, 2013 at 6:11 AM
Anonymous said...: One hour shy of two days since his first text, and BB sends another. "so now you're not going to talk to me?".

Kay; February 4, 2013 at 6:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 3, 9:47PM,
If it were me, I wouldn't be concerned at all about whether or not I was being mean - to a man that's been mean to me and treated me poorly.

"He's pulled the Disappearing Act a few times"

That's mean and HE brought this on HIMSELF.

"What do you think's going to happen from here?"

That depends. You can either waste your time attempting to explain yourself to him (which I wouldn't bother doing) or you can use NC and let him figure it out for himself.

Arguing with him and using WORDS is not going to help him ever reach the conclusion that he was to blame for this.

Particularly when never once did you mention to him or remind him that it was HIS poor treatment of YOU that brought this on.

If you continue to communicate with him, he's going to continue to attempt to manipulate you and blame you for his actions. I wouldn't bother wasting my time. He's immature and he's treated you poorly and taken you for granted.

You don't have to explain yourself to him.; February 4, 2013 at 8:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 4, 6:11PM,
"Should I wish him a happy birthday? Or should I let it pass and let him come to me? Would wishing him a happy birthday be overkill and make me look desperate, since he hadn’t responded to that earlier text?"

I wouldn't bother. He may ignore you again and it will only make you feel worse - not better.

If he's not mature enough to understand that you were not in a coverage area and he's not mature enough to accept your explanation, then he's not going to be mature enough to be thankful for a birthday wish.

That would only give HIM power here - power to ignore YOU.

It's not up to you to smooth this over. You've already made one attempt at that and he wasn't mature enough to accept it. It's HIS turn to make an attempt to smooth this over.

If you make a second attempt, chances are that will only reassure him that you care - and he will ignore you.; February 4, 2013 at 9:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Aquamoon,
"However, should I still proceed with NC, even if he still doesn't know I didn't receive his text because I wasn't in the coverage area?"

I would . . because either way, he ignored you. You're explanation isn't what matters - his silence towards you is what matters. And you don't reward ignorance.

"The fact that I had been the one to ignore him first, although by accident, is why I am hesitant to go NC and give him the benefit of the doubt."

You don't need me to convince you what to do. You're free to do as you like. However, keep in mind - ignorance is ignorance. You're attempting to make excuses for this man's ignorance here. I mean - so what if you missed a few calls? Does that deserve the silence treatment from him? Particularly when you contacted him afterwards to inform him that you missed the calls for whatever reason? And the man STILL chose to ignore you, instead of being a gentlemen and talking to you to see what happened.

Again - ignorance is ignorance, dear.

If he's such a child that he cannot forgive a few missed calls and speak about it like an adult when you DO contact him afterwards - then I'd think twice about letting a man like that in my life - an immature man.

"I guess I'm getting worked up about this because things have been kind of up in the air between us for a long time and I'm not sure how to deal with all this."

Well, chasing after him and pursuing him will backfire on you.

"am "mothering" him a bit now, due to the uncertainty."

Not good. Men don't love their mothers like they love their lovers. You want to be a lover to a man, not a mother.

"I wonder whether he is just trying to prompt me to ask him (and based on dumper/dumpee etiquette, maybe I should be the one to ask first?)"

Actually, I think you misinterpreted that piece. It's never a good idea for a woman to ask a man on a date. And the piece states:

"If a woman has a high level of interest in a man and pursues him after the break up: She willfully puts herself at a very high risk of being used by the man (for sex) – and being dumped by him - a second time."

And:

"And just a note of warning, ladies: If a man insists on YOU pursuing HIM, he’s insecure and chances are, won’t make a good boyfriend, lover or husband because of his insecurities and his inability to man up."

And:

"You will always feel like it’s YOU working to hold things together while he sits, does nothing, takes, sucks you dry and completely exhausts you."

You've already circled back around to him once here - and he ignored you. I don't believe a second attempt at the same thing that failed - is somehow going to suddenly magically work here.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over - and expecting different results."

A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out. If he doesn't, then he was only half interested :-(; February 5, 2013 at 8:21 AM
Saggi said...: Dear Mirror,

Well, well, well. Mr Charismatic Helicopter Pilot has returned yet again, just like you said he would. You were right once again!!

Just to refresh your memory, I wrote to you three months ago (October 31, 11.39 am) regarding Mr Helicopter pilot who did the whole "sweep me off my feet and into bed" trick, and then disappeared. You told me not to contact him, "sit tight" and that he would be back. You were right.

Two months ago, I wrote to you again (Dec 29, 2012, at 12.12 AM) letting you know that, alas, he had returned, with a private message on Facebook wishing me a Merry Xmas. You gave me some great advice, which was to just send a very casual reply back, sit tight again, and he would be back.
In fact, you stated:

Let him get curious enough to return again. Which, by the way, I believe he will. But that might not be in a day or a week. It could be another month or so.

Well, you were RIGHT again! It did take one month, but he has reappeared again. I didn’t think I would hear from him again, to tell you the truth. This time he sent me a private message on Facebook saying: "Want to come stay another night? Xoxo"

Mirror, how do I respond? On the one hand I'm actually really angry and insulted that he could treat me this way, and obviously he just thinks I'm good for sex only. But on the other hand, I know I’m looking great now, and still have a strong desire to make him realise what he's missing out on.

As a side note, I'm still actively dating other guys, and hardly think about him at all these days. So it was a bit of a shock to see this message in my inbox tonight.

I didn't end up posting a new profile picture on FB showing off my new body, as you had advised earlier, because I only had selfie shots, and thought they were a bit egotistical for FB, but may consider doing it, as he’s still obviously hanging around.

Anyway, again, I would LOVE your advice on how to respond to him this time.

Many thanks once again,

Saggi.; February 5, 2013 at 8:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggi,
Okay, now it's time to test him to find out, is he a player seeking free and easy sex? Or is he a genuinely interested man?

His question:

"Want to come stay another night? Xoxo"

I'd respond with:

"I'd like to see you, but I cannot stay. How about we do dinner one night? You can come down my way, I know a great place we can go."

The message you're sending there is that you will not be there for sex, that he needs to treat you like a lady - and that he needs to travel to YOU.

Basically, the message there is, "If you want me, you have to work for me. If you want sex, you have to work at it."

Nothing in this world is for free ;-)

And if he disappears or says that he can't do that - oh well, too bad, so sad playa' - disappear on HIM if he does that and leave him another month or so to think about that.; February 5, 2013 at 8:51 AM
Anonymous said...: BB sent a third text, at 12:22am "hey I'm in town kid.." .

1st feb 2 @ 3:53am "hey you"
2nd feb 4 @ 3:00am " now youre not going to talk to me?"
3rd feb 5 @ 12:22am "hey I'm in town kid.."

I was going to reply this evening but 1, I have no idea what to say. And 2 I was thinking about waiting another day bc this whole middle of the night texts is crap. Yeah I know I settled for a fling thing but now I'm undecided.

Kay; February 5, 2013 at 12:58 PM
Texan Girl said...: Mirror-

So I've commented quite a few times- to remind you, I was "dating" the older Taurus guy who started being lazy with pursuing me- same day date requests, hot/cold, etc. I initiated NC and he reappeared a little over a month later with the "hey" text and then he eventually started sending me numerous texts over a short period of time.

Anyways my last comment was that he had cooled off- which he did for at most a week (can't remember the specifics) and now he started texting again, asking how my day/work was,etc etc. Since he first reappeared back in December, he has made no attempt to see me- he just keeps texting.

I always end the conversation by disappearing, especially if his last comment doesn't warrant a response and then he waits a day or so and then asks another question. I am going by your motto that "if a man likes you, he will pursue you." I assume if he wants to see me, he will ask me out. I know he is still on the dating website we met on because he recently viewed my profile. What's the point? lol. Do you think there could be a fear of rejection in play here or he probably just doesn't like me enough? I get the sense he is waiting on me to "succumb" and ask him to do something but I am not taking the bait. Another question- Do you think I should just ignore all his texts until he actually makes a move that is worth my time? I am tired of the texts.; February 5, 2013 at 3:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kay,
I concur with you - blatent 3 and 4AM booty call texts are disrespectful and tasteless.

And if it's irritating you already, responding to those texts will only encourage more of it from him.

So take that into consideration when deciding whether to respond or not.

Besides, I imagine he was only intending to show up on your doorstep at those times and by now, he may be over it.

If you do respond, consider responding with something to the effect of, "Been busy but can meet for dinner if you like."

See how he reacts to you insinuating that he treat you like a lady, instead of some damn booty call.

Betcha' his response helps you make up your mind quick, LOL ;-); February 5, 2013 at 5:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Texan Girl,
"Do you think there could be a fear of rejection in play here or he probably just doesn't like me enough?"

No, men go after what they want. And he's already being rejected to an extent and still texting, so what's there to fear, LOL?

"I get the sense he is waiting on me to "succumb" and ask him to do something but I am not taking the bait."

You got it - on the nose. He's seeking free and easy hookups with very little effort on his part. He's smart enough to know that his chances of getting laid GREATLY increase when the woman offers herself up to him with a "we should get together soon" type of response. And THAT'S what he's waiting for - free and easy.

"Do you think I should just ignore all his texts until he actually makes a move that is worth my time? I am tired of the texts."

If it were me, that's what I would do. But you're free to do as you please here. But for me personally, I wouldn't waste my time with this one. He's playing games by seeking easy hookups.

I doubt that he'll ever man up here without a big giant green light from you - like, "OMG, I can't wait to see you, when are we going to see each other."

He'd be at your door in a second over a response like that. You'd actually see him get up off his ass then, LOL.

He'd fly on over, have his cake and eat it too, then POOF - he'd be gone again.

It's not worth it.; February 5, 2013 at 5:59 PM
Anonymous said...: BB works night shift, 11pm-5am. He never texted me during work before. Always mid day/evening. He knows I work on call sometimes for my job, but come on! Not to mention he has never text informing me that he was in town in the past. That last text was deff booty call time but I'm not settling for 12:30am last min texts. If they want something from me I'm gonna attempt to teach them to try harder. If not fine. And I bet your right, he's either all ready over it, or his wise ass response will make me not respond back. But the good news is I'm over the "oh my god he's all I think about" stage ;) someone else is fighting for my attention/ time and he's earning it well.

Kay; February 5, 2013 at 6:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Aphrodite, I must say, you have a great blog and I also believe in everything you write, so I'd like some advice, this is not a complicated situation, I'm just not sure how to go about it at this point, I've been hanging out with a guy for about 7 months, we went out just few times and all the other times it's just us hanging out at his house, few months into us hanging out I asked him how come we don't go to movies or whatever and he basically said he's comfortable with the way things are and how his life is going and he's not looking for anything serious, so I said ok and dropped it and we still hung out after that, we didn't do anything more than making out because I am not interested in casual sex, there is definitely attraction but he makes it clear with his actions he's doesn't want anything more serious,I feel like most men show if they are truly interested in a woman, it's just women who over-analyze everything and don't see certain things men try to communicate, anyway, I really like him and he is very intriguing but I don't wanna force anything, sometimes he'll disappear for a week without texting which I think he has the right to since he never promised me anything but otherwise, he do talk on regular basis (he is in law school studying for his bar exam now), my question is, in your opinion, should I just continue seeing him whenever or should I disappear, do you think that would make any difference in my case or is a lost cause, I appreciate any feedback, thank you; February 5, 2013 at 9:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Kay,
Did you see how he is sending his texts earlier in the night every time? I have a suggestion. How about you wait until his next text, if he is consistent then that one will come in before midnight :-) and then you respond and text back: I reckon if I wait long enough you'll end up texting me during daytime, to set up a lovely dinner date! :-) I look forward to that ;-)". What do you think? It would show you are amused and not uninterested but no longer 'booty-call material'. Stick with it girl!; February 6, 2013 at 7:38 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Moa,

I wrote to you previously on the 'experiences with a sagittarius man" where I had shared my trouble with this guy I'd been seeing.I'd like your opinion on this,since I have some kind of update.

Long story short,he hit me up on FB in the summer,I took one glimpse and moved on.A month later or so,out of boredom I replied,he was happy,we exchanged BB pings and we talked on and on for 4 months before seeing each other.

The guy made efforts 2 months in by initiating calls,then asking me too meet but I was always already plans and I like to keep to my plans.So he pursued me while in the meantime sharing his life and schedule with me,sometimes lightly jabbing at me for taking long to reply or inquiring my whereabouts.All in good fun and yes I enjoyed the banter.

Eventually we met and all,slept with him,(YES SHOCKER,especially since I'm more on the conservative side and had only previously been in 2 major relationships-both with assholes).It had been a dry year for me and the spark between us was just amazing and the familiarity developed over the 3 previous months had been so uncanny.

All in all,no regrets on my side,as I had no expectations and just went with the flow on this one.I will add,he could barely perform that night(he's young and plays professional football,i dont know,stage fright?)Oh well.Next day he called and maintained contact and kept being himself and expressing he would want to see me more.All fine and dandy,except that apparently us women stop thinking clearly after sex so I went a did a number of emotional repertoires on his ass to which he reacted patiently at first but then just told me I'm turning into a psycho.I cancelled 2 dates with him and regretted it,only to go back and push him again,which I'd never done before.

Bare with me.So at one point I told you in my other post that I'd deleted him from my ping.I thought I'd initiate NC on him(OBVIOUSLY MORE FOR ME THAN FOR HIM).After a week however,I broke down(i missed him,bah),sent him a text with a casual ''hi,how u been?sorry foy my immature reaction''.I get a text a few mins later saying ''i don't like it''.Well boy,did I feel embarrassed then.I also panicked a bit and sent back 'could we start over again?',he replied back within minutes ''yes,we could''.

Added him back in my phone,he immediately sent me a hug emoticon and said he missed me.I reciprocated and since then nothing.For days.Whereas prior to my little number,we'd be in touch throughout the day.3 days went by,i asked him 'how r u?',he replied coldly ''im going to bed,i have a match tomorrow,x'.I didnt reply back.That was saturday and since then I havent said shit and I refuse to.

Part of me understands what I did was so uncalled for,I basically created drama out of nothing(maybe cause I like to chase instead of being chased?but I'm breaking that pattern.it's sick.i only chase a guy to find out i lose all interest when i do get him.it's selfish and i'm aware it has to do with upbringing issues and the ''daddy'' issues).He chased me,he was nice and that wasn't enough for me.I need tension,cause I know how to react to that.LORD i'm changing though.

Just read 'why men love bitches'.I did everything right with this guy,by just being myself,''the bitch''.The sex changed me,not him.; February 6, 2013 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont..sista'Taurus

So now I sit here,in silence.I know and feel my growing pains and understand them as being necessary,for my overal being.I do not want to follow the same pattern I did with my 2 exes.I jumped through hoops for them,poured my heart out,got them hooked into an unhealthy relationship.Yes,I got the love but also the unstable,sick,draining relationship.I strive for healthy relationships now,not love.A place where we can both grow.

This young fella definitely opened my eyes to that.So I take responsibility for this.Part of me wonders though,does he miss me,is he turned off,will he come around?u know.the typical

But my life is not on hold.I miss him but that does not stop me from living.

What should I expect from him in your opinion?

Love and light,
Sista'Taurus; February 6, 2013 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Ugh...this has all become relevant to me once again, because I just had ANOTHER guy disappear on me!

I met him 2 months ago. He's technically long-distance (lives about 1.5 hours away) but kept in touch regularly. He seemed very into me, telling me how beautiful I am, how he couldn't wait to see me again, etc. We started making plans to get together, but things kept coming up (we both had the flu, a winter storm came, and other conflicts we both had). He was *finally* supposed to come down last weekend...and ended up disappearing completely! I deleted him from my phone, so he won't be hearing from ME again. Now I'll just have to see if he pops up again like Mirror says.

Men!! Why do they think it's okay to just disappear!? It's so rude and disrespectful.

-SassyBrunette; February 6, 2013 at 11:13 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 5, 9:54PM,
"Should I just continue seeing him whenever or should I disappear, do you think that would make any difference in my case or is a lost cause?"

That's up to you. If you're okay sitting around and hanging out and accepting that and nothing more, then proceed.

However, if YOU are looking for something serious with a man - don't WASTE your time sitting around with a man that doesn't want the same thing. Because during the time you're sitting around with him doing nothing - you could be missing out on opportunities to meet a man that wants the same thing you want.

If you think you'll convince this man to move into something serious with you - it won't happen. His actions are proving that. He won't lift a finger for you or take you out and treat you like a lady and he disappears on you.

That's all you can ever expect from him. If it were me, I wouldn't bother and I'd shut him off. I'd spend my time in situations where I could meet a good man - as opposed to sitting around and hanging out with a boring one that doesn't want to lift a finger for me, LOL ;-); February 6, 2013 at 4:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
"Well boy,did I feel embarrassed then.I also panicked a bit and sent back 'could we start over again?',he replied back within minutes ''yes,we could''."

"I reciprocated and since then nothing.For days."

This is why it doesn't pay to chase and pursue men. Because when a woman does that, they'll see you, they'll sleep with you - but they WON'T lift a finger for you. Instead, they'll simply be lazy and sit back and let YOU do all of the WORK - and they'll use you and disappear again anyway.

Why?

Because men that you have to pursue are only half interested men. If you offer yourself up to them, they'll entertain you for while - but then they'll split. Because it isn't something they wanted or were genuinely interested in in the first place.

"3 days went by,i asked him 'how r u?',he replied coldly ''im going to bed,i have a match tomorrow,x'."

DO NOT continue to pursue him. If you do, he'll pull back even more and become even more ignorant and hurtful to you. Don't set yourself up for that type of pain or rejection from a man.

"What should I expect from him in your opinion?"

Nothing. Move on and leave this in the past as best you can and chalk it up to a valuable learning experience.

If he resurfaces on his own, ignore his first few attempts and YOU create the TENSION by hanging back - not by springing forward. The point is to create HEALTHY tension that actually makes two people spring towards one another and it's easily accomplished by simply hanging back a bit, nothing more. No drama is needed, because drama is UNHEALTHY tension that doesn't draw two people together, it actually repels them from one another.

If he doesn't return, realize that it wasn't meant to be and try to move on.; February 6, 2013 at 4:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sassy Brunette,
"Men!! Why do they think it's okay to just disappear!?"

Because they're their own worst enemies when it comes to love and relationships - they fight against all of the above (commitment) like it's the plaque, LOL ;-); February 6, 2013 at 4:56 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA feb 6,4:54

Thank you for your wonderful insight.

I needed it.If i talk to my friends about it,they all say i fucked up and i should be extra nice bla bla.

What I don't understand is why would he agree to ''start over'',yet not act on it at all?He could have just as well ignored my text.

Now he's there all day in my phone,updating his status as usual,changing pictures and the thing about whatsap is that he can see when i was last online,so say he should contact me in a few days with a normal ''hello''..how can i ignore that?Would it not be better to just casually reply and keep it nice and short?

Otherwise it would feel like i'm playing games?or is that how you create Healthy Tension?

Good God,it's hard being a woman at times :)

And I was doing so good!I never pursued him,it's after i repeatedly messed up that i thought i should be polite and grown up and reach out.I guess it's still ''pursuing'' in a man's eyes.

Thank you MOA and good luck to all the ladies out there dealing with any kind of BS.Yes,love the men in your lives,but love yourselves more!; February 6, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Anonymous said...: @Aphrodite, Thank you for you response (my post was the one from last night at 9:54pm). I understand what you mean but that's the thing, he is not boring, I would not be there if he was lol I really like him and he's not an ass, he's polite, doesn't push himself onto me, we usually cuddle, watch movies and have some wine, he lives far and never has a problem with picking me up or driving me home. He doesn't contact me late to hang out, usually gives me heads up few days before, no booty calls or anything like that. I read some of the other posts by the other women and I see that most of them are dating these men, I'm not dating him but I would like it to progress to something, not because I'm longing for a relationship, I'm fine being single, it's because it's him that I like, if this was any other dude I wouldn't care much, I know I can't change his mind about wanting a relationship, I just thought maybe (after reading your blog) if I'd back off a bit when he distances himself, he'll feel the distance too and he'll find himself thinking about me more and wanting to spend more time with me? mehhh; February 6, 2013 at 5:22 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

Given some of us girls have only just found out about healthy tension/elastic band...here is a thought / question for you.

Even if the girl has not pulled back and not mirrored and so as a result he takes her for granted in a committed relationship, for three months and they break up.... it can still work though right? The man realising what he lost and that he was an idiot for treating her bad?

The main issue is, not just they may not reunite but, it just means that the girl is the one having to nurse more bruises and heal right first, before taking him back?

@Scotland; February 6, 2013 at 6:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 6, 5:11PM,
"they all say i fucked up and i should be extra nice"

Nice guys (and girls) finish last, sweetie - they end up someone's doormat. Especially when dealing with immature men that manipulate them into thinking they need to be extra "nice" (translation: "easy". . .to run over.)

"What I don't understand is why would he agree to ''start over'', yet not act on it at all?"

I addressed that in the previous response:

". .they'll simply be lazy and sit back and let YOU do all of the WORK"

"so say he should contact me in a few days with a normal ''hello''..how can i ignore that?"

Quite easily, actually, LOL. You simply ignore it:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

"Would it not be better to just casually reply and keep it nice and short?"

Yea - if you want to be strung along, used - and left confused, LOL ;-)

"Otherwise it would feel like i'm playing games?"

HE'S the one playing games, sweetie. He's the one saying one thing - THEN DOING ANOTHER. Why would you reward ignorant treatment from a man with attention and affection? When your dog pees on the floor - you don't reward it with a treat. Same goes for men. When they treat you poorly or ignorantly and lie to you or twist things into a game - you don't reward them with a treat (your attention).

You show them consequences instead:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

You can either play along, protect yourself and play to win - or roll over and "be nice," let him run you over and let him win. (Or you can be really kind to yourself and simply walk away ;-)

"I guess it's still ''pursuing'' in a man's eyes."

Saying "hello" is pursuing in a man's eyes, LOL. Ever see a group of men and a beautiful girl walks by and says, "hello" to one of them? He turns around and says to his buddies, "Dude, did you see that? She wants me!"

Their egos won't let them think otherwise. Any "initiating" done by a woman translates as "pursuit" to a man, LOL ;-); February 6, 2013 at 7:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 6, 5:22PM,
"I just thought maybe (after reading your blog) if I'd back off a bit when he distances himself, he'll feel the distance too and he'll find himself thinking about me more and wanting to spend more time with me?"

Sure, anything's possible. But here's where I'm concerned about where you're going with this:

"not because I'm longing for a relationship, I'm fine being single. . .it's because it's him that I like, if this was any other dude I wouldn't care much"

So. . .how do you intend to date a man that's "special" and that you "like" and "care" about ---- but remain single and NOT want a relationship with him?

See where I'm going with this? Don't attempt to fool yourself here on this one, LOL. He's special, you like him and you care about him . . yet you plan on remaining single and not entering into a relationship with him?

Very conflicting, sweetie. It's a recipe for pain - that YOU'RE considering bringing upon YOURSELF.

"he'll feel the distance too and he'll find himself thinking about me more and wanting to spend more time with me"

Sounds like it's a relationship you want to me, LOL ;-)

You can attempt no contact and see if that works, see if he misses you, see if he comes looking for you and see if he realizes he has feelings for you:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

But there are no guarantees. . .so know that going into it - know that it may not grant you the results you're ultimately seeking here. And don't be disappointed and beat yourself up if it doesn't work.

Because I think you DO want a relationship here ;-); February 6, 2013 at 7:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scotland,
"Even if the girl has not pulled back and not mirrored and so as a result he takes her for granted in a committed relationship, for three months and they break up.... it can still work though right? The man realizing what he lost and that he was an idiot for treating her bad?"

Yes, if you disappear and initiate no contact (and no response) - a man can begin to miss you and realize that he has feelings for you. Not all will, but men who genuinely care about you will. But this doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes it takes months for a man to miss a woman and reach these conclusions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

"it just means that the girl is the one having to nurse more bruises and heal right first, before taking him back?"

It's more about the girl staying away long enough (not contacting and not responding, showing the man an "end" finally) that jump starts a particular thought process in a man. A thought process that makes the man to begin to "miss" her and "long" for her and desire her back and think about what he did wrong. (Watch that thought process take place in a man in the lyrics of a video in that piece I referenced above there).; February 6, 2013 at 7:45 PM
Texan Girl said...: Thanks for your response, Mirror. It helps a lot to get your perspective and you're so right on.

Taurus guy is getting no replies from me from now on. Another one bites the dust. On to the next one! Hopefully he will be a well-adjusted mature adult male and not one with stunted growth looking to play games!; February 6, 2013 at 8:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror,

(Please delete my last submission - - this is the right one)

And this thought process that a man then has, would it still be the same thought process of potentially missing her, even if he was the one to end it?

I can imagine there would be difference in his thought process if she'd ended it as he would in all likelihood come running back and try to win her back rather quickly after she dumped him.

But does/could the thought process you describe, still happen in a similar, strong way, if he ended it?

@Scotland; February 6, 2013 at 8:08 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA 7:28,FEB 6 Sista'Taurus here

Ah Moa.God bless you and your insight.I had to smile.

I had a low evening,feeling insecure,unloved,neglected and most of all beating myself up for having brought me and him ''here'' in the first place.I ruined it before i could see it grow into anything at all.

Realising that,that I made my own bed and now I have to lie in it,HURTS.It feels lonely.

It's like i cut the movie short.I don't even want to hope that he will come around.I feel as though we're in such a bad place now,so distant and cold..do I keep doing this to myself,''HOPE''?

Yes it's been but a mere days.2 weeks though since this all started.

Yet,as proud and stubborn a Taurean as I am(i can wait this out),i wonder this:a man that really is into me,shouldn't he reach out?immediately?try and talk it out?instead of all this silence?i'm not used to it and him giving me the cold shoulder just took me by surprise,even though i deserved it.

What I mean to say is this,should a guy agree to ''forgive'' ur stupid mistake and resume,shouldn't he just RESUME and reach a fucking hand out sooner?I mean how much do you like me to wait out so long?especially in the beginning.And how much do i like him,to be willingg to wait it out?Isn't it like a double edged sword?

A few weeks ago he would fuss about not speaking to him for a few hours,now ITS DAYS.

I guess I'm sad and going over and over about it in my head.I digress.

Love&light and keep sharing your blessings :); February 6, 2013 at 10:25 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous at 7:38am

Hunny, this story with BB has been going on for months. And I'm not too sure you've fallowed it.Yeah I was going to settle for a booty call but not with him. He didn't try hard enough. And Mao was right, he didn't send another text. There for I didn't respond. I mean what's the point? To be ignored again and feel rejected. To be responded to but then possibly ignored. As much as I built a strong wall to protect my heart it's pretty clear that we are fragil. So I'm choosing wisely and he's not a choice. I wasn't making excuses for him about his time choice of texts, but if my time was that important then a mid day convo should have happened. I got Mao's opinion on this and I'm pretty sure this guy only sees me as a thing. We started off with sex so that's all it will ever be to him. No offense but I'm not taking anyone's advise but the wise one herself ;)

Kay; February 6, 2013 at 10:45 PM
Anonymous said...: @Aphrodite you're right, this guy is special to me and I would be happy if it goes somewhere, that's why I'm still around lol what I meant to say is that in general I'm fine with being single, until I met him, I would be happy if we could start off with dating and seeing each other, not trying to jump into any relationships here, but this hanging out stuff is really prolonging and technically I know why lol grrrrrr bad timing I guess :\
--Anonymous from Feb. 6, 5:22PM; February 7, 2013 at 12:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scotland,
Yes, it can still have the same effect even if he dumped her - IF THE WOMAN STAYS AWAY, and doesn't respond or contact the man:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/dumper-dumpee-dating-help-break-up.html; February 7, 2013 at 9:00 AM
Saggi said...: Hi Mirror,

Thanks for your reply to me a couple of days ago (February 5, at 8.51 am) regarding how I should respond to Mr Helicopter Pilot re his offer to ‘come stay another night’ after having done the sweep me off my feet and into bed and disappear routine three months ago.

You suggested I reply back with “"I'd like to see you, but I cannot stay. How about we do dinner one night? You can come down my way, I know a great place we can go."

However, I’m a bit torn. I still haven’t replied back to him yet. After the way he treated me, and then to come back with “want to come stay the night”, half of me feels like addressing his behaviour directly, by replying with, “No, I don’t do casual sex. And why would I want to stay the night after you disappeared on me?”

I feel that by not acknowledging his dodgy behaviour, it sends the message that it’s OK to walk all over me and treat me this way? And if he is genuine, and really does want something more than sex, this shouldn’t scare him off either?

I would love to know your thoughts on this.

Thanks for your ongoing help.

Saggi.; February 7, 2013 at 9:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
"a man that really is into me,shouldn't he reach out?immediately?try and talk it out?"

No honey. That's how WOMEN are. He's not a woman, he's a man. Women tend to project their wants, needs and desires onto men. They think things like, "Hey, when I like someone, I want to be with them 24/7, talk everyday, talk about my feelings all the time, show someone I love them all the time and rectify mistakes immediately. And if I feel that way, he must feel that way too."

And that's simply not the truth.

MEN LIKE SPACE. Men need space and time to think - lot's more of it than women. Men need the space to create a feeling of independence and freedom - the feeling of being a man. They're not as in touch with their emotions as women and, as a result, take MUCH longer to process them.

You can't project female emotions and thoughts onto men and expect men to act like women. They're a completely different species, LOL.

And if you want to understand a man - you have to learn to think like one ;-); February 7, 2013 at 9:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggi,
"I feel that by not acknowledging his dodgy behaviour, it sends the message that it’s OK to walk all over me and treat me this way?"

No way. When someone ignores you, does it make you think that they're letting you walk all over them? No. It sends a clear message that THEY ARE NOT going to permit this and buy into it.

Responding and going along with it would send the message that it's okay to treat you this way. Ignoring it sends the message that it's NOT OK.

"“No, I don’t do casual sex. And why would I want to stay the night after you disappeared on me?”

If you send that response above - that's an emotional response - anger and frustration. And you know what THAT message will say to him?

It'll reassure him that you care and that you're hurt. Because let's face it, if you didn't - you wouldn't be upset and emotional about it ;-)

Here's the message that no contact sends:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html; February 7, 2013 at 9:13 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggi,
Additionally, if you respond with:

"I'd like to see you, but I cannot stay. How about we do dinner one night? You can come down my way, I know a great place we can go."

That's not "sending the message that it’s OK to walk all over me and treat me this way?"

That's actually sending the message that:

1) You will see him IF he treats you like a lady
2) You expect to be treated like a lady
3) You're not going to go to a man
4) A man is going to have to come to you
5) He's going to have to work at this a bit

It's a non-emotional, matter of fact response that clearly lays out how you expect to be treated. And if he doesn't go along with that - you refuse the date.

That's how a woman creates balance in the relationship and signals to a man how she needs and expects to be treated - WITHOUT SHOWING EMOTIONS - speaking in a mans language ;-) Instead, she remains cool, calm, collected, confident, mature and independent in her response.

That's the type of communication that men understand.; February 7, 2013 at 9:22 AM
Anonymous said...: @MOA 9:06,feb 7

You are so damn right.I mean why can't i get in this thick skull of mine,I feel like after reading all your blogs and 'why men love bitches',I've been enlightened but why can't i just back it up with actions?

But I'm heading there,with patience and prayer.

I realise now how all my girlfriends,though they have good intentions,are just rampant mad chicks,emotional and clueless themselves.

My guy friends on the other hand,told me he is just not that into me ANYMORE,if he hasn't reached out yet.Sure,anything is possible.

I've come to the conclusion though that I am never discussing my personal life with them again,as only I can know what and how to deal with what and how I feel.

It's clear now that men and women are just DIFFERENT.

Say he hits me up soon with a hello,how long do I wait to reply to it?3 days?Or do I wait for him to actually make repeated attempts and sweat at it a bit?

I feel like I care less and less everyday.I recently had a douche resurface on me after 6 months.2 years ago we dated,he treated me like a princess,only to get a call from his gf of 2 years,2 months in!I craved and longed and was a pushover for a while but then it faded.Now he's all back,having had some kind of revelation,wanting a relationship and everything.I could not care less.

Thank you Moa and have a beautiful day!

Sista' Taurus

P.S How can I change my profile from anonymous to sista taurus?I intend to stick around :); February 7, 2013 at 9:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
To use a name, simply chose the "Name/url" feature in the comments and fill in the "name" field with a chosen name - and leave the url field blank.

"Say he hits me up soon with a hello,how long do I wait to reply to it?3 days?Or do I wait for him to actually make repeated attempts and sweat at it a bit?"

Well that's up to you. But if it were me, I'd let him sweat it out a bit and give it plenty of time for him to think and to miss me ;-); February 7, 2013 at 10:00 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

I will make him sweat it out a bit.I mean,isn't he doing the same to me now?And while I'm here longing and banging my horns on the wall,isn't he out there enjoying HIS life and not giving a flying eff?

I'm reading Steve Santagati's manual on bad boys now.

Let there be light!; February 7, 2013 at 10:22 AM
Alana said...: MOA,

I love, love your suggestion to Saggi re Mr Helicopter Pilot - I've never been the type to spell things out for a man but the reply you suggested *sets the standard* for the guy to meet, yet friendly but matter of fact at the same time.

Just curious though - I don't know if I missed that part, but I thought that you typically advocate no response when a guy initially comes back? Or is this already HelicopterPilot's 2nd/3rd attempt?

When a guy comes back, under what circumstances do you advocate replying and when do you ignore? Cos the Rules Revisited article (written by a guy) seems to suggest a short brief reply.

-Alana; February 7, 2013 at 10:41 AM
@LONDON CALLING said...: @MOA!!!
You are EFFIN AWESOME!! I mean come ONN!!

Your wisdom these past 6 days [Feb1-6] has been mind-blowing, even for me whose been checking in from the beginning!!

No ladies, my disappeared man has not appeared, but I am having sooo much fun with other guys that he's fading to black. For those ladies stuck in a rut, I know..we ALL know, how it feels, like you're drowning, helpless and just wanna be back in his arms. But it gets better. The nights you spend crying yourself to sleep, while obsessively imagining him galloping back into your life and begging you to come back with tears running down his face, ON HIS KNEES, with flowers, the black SUV, tickets to Tahiti in hand, having had some kind of revelation [as Sista'Taurus said] ALL of those, will begin to seem trite, then ridiculous, then downright hillarious, the more time you stay with no contact and put yourself first.

@MOA...Vegas, I say...VEGAS!!!!!
Its a revolution!; February 7, 2013 at 1:56 PM
Sista Sage said...: I love your blog! I have a bit of a dilemma here. I had a friend of mine who moved to a warmer climate, ask me to visit. We went out one night, met a guy together, a bartender, I'll call Mike. She kept saying there, "Date him, date him" I ignored it. She kept it up. I said, "Don't try to hook me up with stranger" over and over. She kept saying it. I finally said, "Who are you talking about"? He jumped up and said, "Me" He was hot! Later she gives him and me a ride back to her place. I did not sleep with him, but a week later I did. Foolish mistake. I called him after that, at the bar where he worked. Hence, only 3 weeks of seeing him. I went back home.

Anyway, 5 years later, (2005) I came back to town to live here this time. (Warmer climate - couldn't stop thinking about him too-lol) No matter who I dated, couldn't get this sexy, fun, gorgeous guy, southern drawl the whole thing, out of my mind. Why? WTH? I called him (horny - been awhile) hooked up, he made same day dates mostly, sex always. (eye roll) That lasted 10 months, twice a month. Figures, of course. I was staying with the same friend, I worked, had a car. Her BF, who she threw out recently before I got there, was mad that I was there and he wasn't. So he threatened her, I had to go. I go live with a co-worker, a guy, her suggestion. (No interest in him what-so-ever, but I was too far from home, and I wanted to stay) Mike calls my friends' house, her daughter tells him I have a BF. He says to me, "I believe the little girl" Ugh! I had my son on speaker phone in front of Mike. My son doesn't know anything says, "You still living with that guy"? Mike says, "Ohhhhh!" We went out again the next day, (twice in a row) he acted cold the second day. He wasn't calling for a couple weeks. I stupidly call to explain, saying "I miss you" He says, "Well, I miss you too girl" I tell him this co-worker raped me, and he said, "Too much drama" and hung up on me. THAT ENDED! I changed my #, moved! (But stayed in town)

(2010) I find Mike on FB, who was in college. Now he just graduated 2 months ago. We have been chatting on FB for 2 years. I was mostly initiating the conversations. (eye roll) But he always answered, not as fast all the time, as I would like, but he did. But we're not friends on FB, just through the message thing. He declined my friend request 2 years ago, saying, "It was to land a job, not for the social thing, and just for his family." (uh-huh!) I decided to go back into college too, he inspired me. He congratulated me on that. BTW, I haven't dated a guy in 6 years.

Question: I cannot get Mike out of my mind, probably NEVER will. Is it hopeless to think that maybe one day...; February 7, 2013 at 3:03 PM
Sista Sage said...: Continued:
One more thing. I share a place with an ex BF, strictly platonic, for 6 years. Mike keeps saying, "Where are you"? What have you been up to?" Or "I'll be at the flea market Saturday to sell my puppies." Etc...
I answer other things he says, but not any above questions. I can't. I need to be in my own place. He saw me with this guy a while back, after we stopped seeing each other.; February 7, 2013 at 3:21 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

I noticed that you advocate letting the man ask you for commitment - which you say is often around the 3-6 month mark.

At the same time, I find that the issue of s*x usually comes up well before then - and in the past (before coming across your blog), I'd always thought that the best way to deal with that is to say to the guy that I don't sleep with anyone I'm not in a relationship with - that way (hopefully) I know that if he agrees, it's hopefully cos he wants a relationship as well. Usually I do that around the 2-3 month mark as usually I find that's how long men are willing to wait for sex, so it's a good lead into the conversation.

I realize this is a very personal question, but in cases where you wait for the guy to bring up commitment first, do you hold off sex until then too? Or how do you deal with the "I don't want you to have sex with other people" situation?; February 7, 2013 at 6:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Alana,
"I thought that you typically advocate no response when a guy initially comes back? Or is this already HelicopterPilot's 2nd/3rd attempt?"

Regretfully, I'm not sure of the number of his attempts due to the fact that at times, it becomes difficult for me to follow everyone's stories - since I'm responding to many over the course of a week.

But you're right, I normally do advocate no response upon the initial contact. However, everyone here has free will and each woman here needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and make these decisions herself. So there is the leeway of free will to do as one pleases. If a response is what the woman wants and intends to do, I'll suggest the best one given the circumstances.

But if it were up to me, I wouldn't be speaking to any of these morons we're discussing here, LOL! ;-) But then again, they're not my morons so . . maybe they're loveable morons LOL, who knows?

"When a guy comes back, under what circumstances do you advocate replying and when do you ignore?"

Honestly, I think this on somewhat of a case by case basis. Meaning, the jerkier the man, the longer response time. If he's a relatively good guy that was just confused or undecided or maybe the woman played a role in it too . . then I wouldn't make the guy wait for the longer response.

So one way of looking at it is, if he's made you shed lots of tears and caused you a lot of sleepless nights and ill feelings about yourself - make him wait - or don't respond period.

The one's who aren't quite that severe . . just need a bit of time to think, LOL ;-); February 7, 2013 at 9:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Sage,
Well, with men - never say never, LOL.

I wouldn't know where to begin at this point, but you never know.

One word of thought, however: He doesn't sound like a sensitive, understanding man. Careful what you wish for sweetie ;-); February 7, 2013 at 9:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 7, 6:04PM,
"I don't sleep with anyone I'm not in a relationship with"

The thing is, only mature men can handle that and move forward with it. Emotionally immature men process that as flat out rejection. I really don't think emotionally immature men make for good boyfriends, however, many women out there are in love with emotionally immature men.

So that really depends on which one you're dealing with and here on this site, we're rarely discussing mature gentlemen, LOL ;-)

"in cases where you wait for the guy to bring up commitment first, do you hold off sex until then too?"

No, not necessarily. But after you get good at "filtering" and "qualifying" men - you feel much safer venturing into that territory. Meaning, I can usually gauge right up front whether or not the man is a "heart breaker" player - or a good guy. So once you learn to filter and you find yourself only dealing with good men, you feel much better about venturing into that territory. You feel much safer and you know that even if it doesn't work out or become long term - he'll still respect you and you'll still feel positive about the experience - and it's all good ;-)

"Or how do you deal with the "I don't want you to have sex with other people" situation?"

I don't anymore, LOL. Because I surround myself with good men and only venture into that territory with a good man. And good men, gentlemen, generally don't date more than one woman at a time.

You don't even have to go there ;-); February 7, 2013 at 9:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LONDON CALLING,
OMG, you're cracking me up, LOL! ;-); February 7, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, great blog! I'm curious: what are some things you can say to a man when he questions why you haven't been responding to his calls or texts, without looking like you did it just because he did it?

I first simply said that I've been busy, but he asked "Too busy to even give me a call back?" I wanted to say "Well do YOU always get a chance to give everybody a callback?" but in my mind, that shows him that it's more of a tit-for-tat reaction, and I don't want to show that...; February 8, 2013 at 3:51 AM
Alana said...: I see... thanks MOA!; February 8, 2013 at 4:29 AM
virgochick said...: Hi MOA,

Just have a question...the crap is still going on with mine, its been several weeks. Interesting part.
He has been contacting me a lot more, can hold conversations bit better... but the fun part is, in front of friends, he is going a bit far with poking fun at me...ONLY with other company. Of course I sit there and give it back and act as though it doesn't bother me, but then I sit there thinking what is going ON!?

What is the go with that! is this some type of dominance thing?

a) has a smart ass dig at me and b) makes it known to everyone else he "knows" me.

Anyway im just about done with the whole thing because I think we're just acting like friends and its just habit now...but still interested why the sudden clown act?

I keep getting the feeling he is pissed I barely give him attention now or chase after him I don't know, is this some sort of reaction?; February 8, 2013 at 5:13 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 8, 3:51PM,
"what are some things you can say to a man when he questions why you haven't been responding to his calls or texts, without looking like you did it just because he did it?"

Say what they say, LOL. "I'm really busy, you need to calm down." Just kidding - sort of.

But this is where you can flip the script. Because when men do this, saying their "busy" is enough - they force women to accept that. And when a woman pushes, they insinuate she's jealous or insecure.

So follow their cue ;-)

When you get this back, "Too busy to even give me a call back?"

You say very coy and with a friendly smile, "Awe. Are you feeling insecure, LOL? Don't worry, next time I'll remember that I have to call you back so you don't get sad."

But that HAS to be done in a sweet, sort of jabbing jokingly manner. It can't be done with any tone of nastiness - it has to be done in a joking, ball busting manner.

And what that will do is - embarrass him for prying. It'll embarrass him that he played his cards there and showed a bit of insecurity over the issue.

And he'll think twice about doing that again - and he'll think twice about doing that to YOU in the future as well.

Unless he's emotionally immature, in which case, HE'LL become tit-for-tat and he'll do something stupid to hurt you instead, LOL.

And if that happens, know that you got his number, he's an insecure man and simply attempt to laugh it off and chalk him up as an insecure man - and try to move on sweetie :-); February 8, 2013 at 8:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoChick,
Yep, it's a reaction and yep, he's a bit irritated with you so he's attempting to "put you in your place." Which is what emotionally immature, insecure men do. Particularly with women they cannot control.

In the comments here yesterday, a man call me a princess. It was his first comment he ever left on the site - and immediately - he called me a name.

Why?

Because I'm a woman that speaks my mind. Insecure men view that as a threat to their manhood so right away, they begin to act childish. The man who left that comment cannot hold a debate or a discussion in a mature manner. As a result, he needed to try to bring me down to his level by calling me a name. He stooped.

And he showed that he's emotionally immature and unable to act and talk like an adult and communicate in a mature manner.

So he resorted to behaving like a 7 year old boy on the schoolyard playground does - and started calling me names, LOL.

Just laugh it off as best you can and stand back, don't react, and let him make an ass out of himself.

And consider reminding him one of those times that he's giving himself away by acting insecure with something like, "Okay, we all realize that you're clearly upset here. But we're not on the schoolyard playground bud, so you might want to stop showing how insecure you are."

Say that without any show of emotion, just very matter of fact - and I guarantee you, you'll hear silence (or you'll see a giant temper tantrum that's even more entertaining, LOL) and he'll shut the hell up ;-); February 8, 2013 at 8:59 AM
AnonWoman said...: @LondonCalling

You're funny, lass....hehe, thanks for the smiles.; February 8, 2013 at 9:25 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Boy you deliver amazing work and insight.You're the bomb diggity bomb!How did you get like this?It's like your're the mother Goose,you know it all,makes me feel ignorant as f!

I'm only 24 but I pride myself on having acquired some kind of wisdom early on and expanding my intellect is a 24/7 business for me.

My male friends call me naive.They say I'm so smart but yet so stupid too.I do know what they mean.I have an inner need to be loved,more so than the next person,because I never received it as a child.You can imagine the kind of relationships I've been having,LOL

My question to you is,have you ever had any experiences with Sagittarius men?If so,would you please share some bits?I'm ever so curious.

I went through the entire Experiences with Sags post looking for your stories and couldnt find any.

Thank you and have a blessed day!; February 8, 2013 at 11:18 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I found your site about 5 months ago and now I think I am getting some clarity on the whole dating process and just men today, in general. I was in a long term marriage; didn’t date for 3 years, after my divorce. Then, I had a BF for 2 years – (who was 15 years older and treated me like a queen… but I wasn’t that into him…). So, all of this “dating”, especially online, and in this “new era”, is a new experience for me.

So, here’s my question: Almost all men I date now - have complained about “emotional women” and nagging. However, on the flip side to that, they say in their online profiles – that they like women who stand up for themselves and are independent. (One guy even mentioned, “being bold and saying exactly what you mean” - on his profile).

So, are we ever (in a man’s eyes) allowed to be “bitchy” and say what’s on our minds – without looking emotional and nagging? (It sounds kind of kind of like a contradiction to me.) Or, in your opinion, do we just go silent and ignore them and send the message that way? This question is both for the initial dating process and in the long-term relationship – or is there even a different scenario for each? And how to you just go silent on a man when it’s serious enough that you are practically with them every day?

I have to tell ya - I’m a bit frustrated. I feel like what men want nowadays is a “Stepford Wife”.

Lonnie; February 8, 2013 at 11:48 AM
Anonymous said...: @Aphrodite: I enjoyed your write up and I agree with you when you say these tactics are for certain and not all men. However, when it’s this hard, I prefer to let it go. It’s just too much work and conscious effort to act outside my normal self.

I just ended a 17 years involvement with an ex (Libra Male). And no, we weren’t in a relationship the entire time. We had dated many, many years ago but remained in contact as friends. Anyway, last summer I gave it a go with him and needless to say, it didn’t work out. He ended things by stating that we had a communication problem. Well, that was 5 months ago and 3 weeks ago, he called talking as if nothing had ever happened. He never said he was sorry or even stated his reason for calling back. He just started talking as if we had be talking all along and at the end of the conversation tells me to keep in touch.

I was curious to see what was going on with him so I agreed to keep in touch. I waited a couple of days and invited him to hang out with me to which he agreed. I was going to use this as my opportunity to get in his head. Over the next couple of days, I didn’t contact him but he called to tell me he gave his mother my number in case of an emergency. This kind of threw me but I just said…okay. Then he tells me that his mother asked who I was and what he told her which was, we were old friends.

So, I keep my contact to a minimum by only contacting him twice over the next 2 weeks (once to discuss a time and another to give him the address). Now, on the night before we were to meet, he starts texting and talking really dumb! He asked if he needed to come stay the night so he isn’t late. I responded, “Do you think you’re gonna be late? It’s not until 6pm. Either way, you can come if you want” and I left it at that. He responded by saying he was just being silly and proceeded to send random text periodically over the next couple of hours until I stopped responding all together.

Now on the day, I don’t call or text him to confirm. I had just talked to him last night so, he knew the drill. Well, needless to say, he shows up late and gets turned away at the door because he was 15 minutes late. LMAO!!! So, he text me to say what happened. I responded with a sad face.

Anyway, over the next week or so, he proceeded
to try and manipulate me into chasing him by not contacting me. After I had enough, I send him a text saying we needed to sever ties completely, move on and for him not to ever contact me again. Now, he never responds to what I said about not contacting me but about 5 or 6 hrs later, I get the following texts back to back: (1)Thanks baby, you guys were awesome. (2) I wish you could come back but I understand. (3) That was a mistake…and I know it will just piss you off…sorry. I respond with: “I understand it was a mistake, that’s cool…just don’t let it happen again and the only way you can be sure of that is to delete my info.” He didn’t say anything back and that’s cool because it’s what I wanted but I’m just curious to see what you have to say about all that.

PiscesSwimmingAway; February 8, 2013 at 3:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Honey, I'm no different than the rest of the women here. Every single one of you are capable of carrying yourselves in the very same manner as myself. It just takes a little honesty with yourself, a little bit of logic, the separation of emotion and a hard look in the mirror ;-)

"How did you get like this?"

I went through hell and had an epiphany, LOL. My divorce (from a Taurus male) nearly destroyed me. And rather than suffer defeat (I'm a Taurus ;-), I chose to educate myself, suit up, put my armor on and enter the battlefield with an entirely new plan - head down, horns out, heels dug in and my game face on.

"makes me feel ignorant as f!"

I was once you :-)

"My male friends call me naive."

It's a Taurus liability, LOL. But it's one that can be overcome.

"They say I'm so smart but yet so stupid too."

No, you're not stupid. You simply haven't yet mastered how to separate your emotions from logic. Imagine it like this. At work, you make decisions in the blink of an eye - 1,2 3. And that's because you use logic at work. Emotions take a back seat.

However, in your personal life, you take logic - toss it out the window (don't worry, many women do this as I once did, too) - and run completely off emotion. You operate in your personal life from an emotional place. One where logic does not exist.

To turn it around, treat the decisions in your personal life like the decisions you make at work or in school - logically. Forget what your heart says and simply say to yourself, "What's the best course of action here?"

It really just boils down to common sense (removal of emotion from decision making).

"I have an inner need to be loved,more so than the next person,because I never received it as a child."

You don't need to be provided that love from a man, sweetie. Love yourself first and then emanate that love like warm sunshine and you will attract that very same thing - back to yourself. Consciously control your thoughts and be kind to yourself and live in the positive, not the negative (Karma, the Law of Attraction):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2009/10/law-of-attraction-vision-boards.html

"have you ever had any experiences with Sagittarius men?"

Yes. It was one of the single most horrible relationship experiences of my life, LOL. Now don't get me wrong, not all Sags are like that. I believe each sign of the zodiac has both "light" and "dark." When folks are not progressively evolved, they tend to exhibit their "dark" traits. When folks are on a progressive path towards self-development, they tend to exhibit their "light" qualities. My dad and sister are both Sags and they are not at all like the Sag I dated was.

I just happened to be dating a lesser evolved Sag is all.

"I went through the entire Experiences with Sags post looking for your stories and couldnt find any."

Well, I don't really write those pieces about individual people so much as the "energy" I observe. And honestly, I can't even share many of the stories surrounding the Sag I dated because he was so incredibly messed up. Let's just say he led a double life and the second existence he led outside of my view - was criminal, heinous and disgusting.

To this day, I still pray for that man. But I refuse to let him into my life in any way, shape or form. Not friendship, nothing. I refuse. We were involved for two years, he proposed to me, I refused and we've been separated for about 4 years now. And about once a year, he attempts contact - to which he receives absolutely no response.

Sags are of HIGH intellect and honestly, have a love for truth. But that's an EVOLVED Sag. When you encounter the opposite, just run, LOL. Because that high intellect will be put to nefarious use and the truth becomes something that's deeply buried and rarely exposed to the light.; February 8, 2013 at 5:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonnie,
I get what they're saying there. And what they're saying is - emotions are one thing, communication is another. And men strongly feel that the two shall not mesh. Men do not want emotional communication - they simply want communication.

To men, this:

"emotional women" and nagging."

Is different from this:

"they like women who stand up for themselves and are independent."

So picture it like this. Say a woman is frustrated and upset that a man blew her off. She's emotional and attempts communication - emotional communication - that goes something like this:

"[Woman shows up at man's place, unannounced and in tears, banging on the door] [Man finally relents and lets her in] [Before he can say one word, she starts] 'How can you treat me like this! Why do you do this to me! Why didn't you call?! This isn't fair. You're a heartless jackass and I hate you. I don't ever want to see you again!!!!' [Slams door shut, screeches away in car]"

Now consider this, a woman who is frustrated and upset, but removes emotion from the communication:

"[He's ringing her phone and gets no response] [Hours later, he's continuing to ring the phone and still gets no response] [Hours later, he decides to drive to her place] [Woman opens the door, lets man in and says nothing] [Man ignores the fact that he blew her off and asks to spend time with her] [Woman responds] 'No. I can't see you tonight. I've already made plans and I'm not changing them. If you want to see me, you'll have to set a date and keep it.' [Woman says no more and remains silent] [Man now knows woman is very upset and he's done wrong] [Man apologizes, leaves woman's apartment and drives home, alone] [Next day, man calls, no answer.] [Next day, calls again, no answer.] [Next day, calls again, no answer.] [Fourth day, calls again, woman answers] 'Hello.' [Man] 'I'd like to see you this weekend.' [Woman] 'I can't do Saturday, I have plans. But we can go to dinner on Sunday if you like.' [Man] 'That sounds great, I can't wait to see you, I miss you.' [Woman] 'Pick me up at 8' [Man] 'Okay, see you then, I love you.' [Woman hangs up phone, doesn't say I love you]

Saturday comes, the man arrives early, he's brought flowers and he's made reservations at her favorite restaurant.

THAT'S non-emotional communication that men understand, appreciate and prefer ;-)

"or is there even a different scenario for each?"

Same form of non-emotional communication from day one till death, LOL.

"And how to you just go silent on a man when it’s serious enough that you are practically with them every day?"

The same way they do. You're busy, you had a mini emergency, something unexpected came up, you lost your phone, your phone wasn't charged, Bob called and wanted to go fishing, Jake needed a ride to the club, LOL . . you get the idea ;-)

"I have to tell ya - I’m a bit frustrated. I feel like what men want nowadays is a “Stepford Wife”."

You're not the only one sweetie. I feel that real men, gentlemen, are the minority these days. And I believe that lots of men are so entitled, so insecure as men, have delusions of grandeur about themselves and have such warped views on women - that truthfully - they prefer needy women they can control.

A Stepford Wife.

But gentlemen do exist. They are out there. You just have to filter, filter, filter.

It's like a freakin' second job, LOL ;-); February 8, 2013 at 5:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @PiscesSwimmingAway,
"I prefer to let it go. It’s just too much work and conscious effort to act outside my normal self."

I'm much the same myself and honestly, feel many women should get more comfortable just walking away rather than expending their energy trying to change a moron, LOL.

However, if I do see a sparkle of genuineness in a man and he's just a little lost - I will put forth the effort.

"Well, that was 5 months ago and 3 weeks ago, he called talking as if nothing had ever happened."

They all come back, LOL.

"He asked if he needed to come stay the night so he isn’t late."

Red flag.

"He responded by saying he was just being silly"

No he wasn't. He was testing you and hoping you were so desperate for a man or for him that you'd offer yourself up on a platter to him, "Oh yes! Come right over!!"

And when you didn't and he didn't get the reaction he was hoping for - all of a sudden he never meant it. Yea, right.

OMG, are you freakin' kidding me with this one:

"(1)Thanks baby, you guys were awesome. (2) I wish you could come back but I understand. (3) That was a mistake…and I know it will just piss you off…sorry. I respond with: “I understand it was a mistake, that’s cool…just don’t let it happen again and the only way you can be sure of that is to delete my info.”

Is he for real, LOL!!! Okay, so now he "mistakenly" sends you a text thanking not one, but two women, for a great time. Then he turns around and admits he knows it will piss you off.

Boy, this one's not too bright honey. That's ROYAL, LOL!!!!

He's full of shit, that was a bunch of lies, and that was done 100% on purpose. And his actions speak to his character as a man and also speak to the fact that he's insecure, was hurt and lashed out as a result of it.

OMG, that's one of the best one's I've ever heard, LOL. Libra males are considered "The Player" in Sextrology . . but this one absolutely takes the cake, LOL!!

And you know what? He'll BE BACK so prepare yourself, LOL ;-)

When he returns, pretend like his name is "Piece of Shit" in your phone. So when he texts you, you respond with, "Hmm, I have so many pieces of shit in my phone. Which one of my mistakes are you?"

Immature guys like that deserve it.; February 8, 2013 at 5:34 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA Feb 8,5pm

Boy,did I shed a tear.I don't have a close relationship with my parents,never had,they are rather emotionally inexpressive and that's how we were raised.Me and my Pisces father almost never talk,me and my Aqua mom do regularly now.I had to remove myself from their home and move 2000 miles away,to a new country,build my own,find my own,grow my own.

I love them to death,they are 2 of the last 'real' people on earth in my eyes.

You,a complete stranger,taking time out your own life to give me advice,just BREAKS ME.I feel the void they left,even more.But I am ever so grateful!

I'm going to create my own vision board this weekend.I knew about it years ago but never did anything ACTUAL about it.time to progress.time for abundance :)

So sorry about your divorce,not about losing ''him'' but more about losing so much of ''you''.Are you happy these days,MOA? :)

I wonder how your vision board looks hehe!

The Sag im dealing with is 4 years younger than me,played football since he was 5,now professional at only 20.He does not drink,smoke,nor clubs.He's from a small village and his life is all about ''making it''.I like motivation and discipline in people.He also has loads of Capricorn in his chart.Oh well.

Thank you and TA TA!; February 8, 2013 at 6:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
You're very welcome and thank you.

"Are you happy these days, MOA?"

Blissful, my dear :-)

"I wonder how your vision board looks hehe!"

It's in my kitchen, right next to my coffee maker, LOL.

"He's from a small village and his life is all about ''making it''.I like motivation and discipline in people.He also has loads of Capricorn in his chart. Oh well."

He sounds progressed and the heavy placement of Capricorn in his chart is a good thing - Capricorn is an Earth sign, like Taurus, and it represents stability and being grounded.

So placements like that even with a Sag sun can calm the Saggie beast into a more evolved, stable individual :-)

And it's funny, talking about my past . . as I'm typing this, one of my favorite songs just came on the radio:

http://youtu.be/dtEuJsSHjzU

And you know who used to enjoy that song with me? The Sag, LOL.

Life is a beautiful mystery :-); February 8, 2013 at 6:22 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA feb 8,6:22

"Are you happy these days, MOA?"

'Blissful, my dear :-)'

I'm utterly jealous at how confident you feel giving that answer.There is an art to BEING HAPPY,isnt there?Someday soon,I'll be able to say that without flinching too :)

I love that Frozen Love song.Thank you for sharing.The laws of synchronicity might be at work here :)

Hmm..; February 8, 2013 at 6:39 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror! Thank you for your precious advice. Like many other women here I only regret that I didn´t know all this information earlier.

Well, I met a Tarus guy online, he is 51, divorced, no children. We met in person and he disappeared. However, a few weeks later I got an email with his photo and an invitation for a meeting from a different dating site. Although I knew it was sent automatically after he registered on that site, I took the chance and wrote him a friendly line. He responded, so I continued asking him whether he would like to join me going cycling. And he agreed.

So we met again. He immediately apologized for not phoning me after we had met for the first time explaining that he didn´t find courage to invite me for a second date. Probably because I was quite reserved, I didn´t ask him any further.

Since then he has initiated all our contacts. We met regularly every Saturday, went on friendly bike rides, hikes, to a restaurant, for a coffee. On weekdays he travelled a lot but sent me emails, texts and sometimes called. He often brought up the topic of sex and I responded that I needed more time. We were more like friends but we kissed goodbye and he put his arm around my shoulders or waist. However, I felt confused as to whether he liked me or not because I had initiated first. I wasn´t in love but I was slowly but surely beginning to develop feelings for him. In the past I used to fall passionately in love with no results, so I was quite happy about this situation thinking that things would move slowly and safely.

Then before Christmas he asked me what I wanted as a present and I told him. On Saturday before Christmas we met, I gave him a present and he brought me... NOTHING. Unfortunately, this wasn´t the first time he had promised something and didn´t keep his word. I got emotional, angry, we quarreled, I told him that if he didn´t remember his promises, all our meetings were about nothing. He left me in the middle of the wood and I had to walk two hours alone to the bus stop. He didn´t even phone me.

Then two days later he texted me merry Christmas and said he would like to give me a Christmas present. I texted okay. But then he disappeared for about ten days. At that point I got scared and totally insecure that he would just use me for sex and leave me. So he texts me once a week suggesting a meeting and I sometimes reply vaguely "yes, we can meet some time" and sometimes don´t reply at all.

Mirror, I would like to have your objective opinion on my situation. Am I too insecure - it would be undersastandable after my previous bad experiences with not only men but women as well. Or is my gut feeling right that he just wants sex? Is he just half-interested? I know I shouldn´t have initiated... I will appreciate all your comments. Thanks a lot!

HopelessWithMen; February 8, 2013 at 6:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopelessWithMen,
Honey, stay away from him. He's shown you portions of his character as a man and what you've seen ins't good.

"Then before Christmas he asked me what I wanted as a present and I told him. On Saturday before Christmas we met, I gave him a present and he brought me... NOTHING."

"He left me in the middle of the woods and I had to walk two hours alone to the bus stop. He didn't even phone me."

Who does that! It's cruel not to mention absolutely heartless. This man has nothing going for him as a man. He's admittedly insecure:

"explaining that he didn´t find courage to invite me for a second date."

And I repeat to all the ladies here, insecure men make crappy boyfriends, lovers and husbands. They're lazy and they will exhaust you and the suck the life right out of you - not to mention tinker with your head and emotions (to make themselves feel like men) and cheat (because they needs tons of female attention to feel like men).

He's a creep dear.

"Or is my gut feeling right that he just wants sex?"

I'm sure sex is part of the equation here but honestly, I think he's looking for a victim. This one's a nasty man.

And you're vulnerable right now. Don't let this go any further and DO NOT get mixed up with this man.

You deserve much better than this. No one deserves this. I bet this guy is a con man and I bet he's trolling multiple online dating sites looking for women to suck off of, like a parasite.

You did absolutely nothing wrong here - minus the fact that you initiated contact with him, LOL. But that's no Earth shattering infringement so don't dwell on it. Just learn from it. Because when women do that, you really do put yourself out there to be used by doing so.

Thank God you listened to your gut here and pulled back. Forget this guy and don't even bother responding to any more communications from him.

I think he's a con artist. Be glad he's proved himself unworthy of you and just jump back in the saddle and move onto the next one. Find a man that will treat you right and settle for NO LESS than that.; February 8, 2013 at 6:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
I thought maybe this could help you gain strength. This is another song that's important to me:

http://youtu.be/FkbVHZB6TqY

And there's a funny story with that one. That was my anthem, my theme song, throughout my divorce. I mean, this tune played in my head all day long during those days.

And one night, I was at the local watering hole, LOL (bar) and I walk in, go to my seat at the end of the bar, sit down, face the door and BAM. I had walked right past my ex husband - and his girlfriend and his best friend - sitting at the other end of the bar and didn't even know it.

So now, I'm facing them there with my girlfriend. He won't make eye contact (too much guilt I imagine) and a bunch of other men down near him start yelling out to me and my girlfriend, "Wow. What are two women like yourselves doing here. You girls are beautiful."

And they instantly tell the bartender to cover our drinks. At this point, this is making my ex very uncomfortable, I can tell. (I mean, we couldn't have planned this better even if we tried, LOL). So I decide to finish him off. I get up, go to the jukebox and play that song. I go back to the bar and tell the bartender to turn it up.

Three minutes later, my ex and his girlfriend and best friend get up and leave the bar, LOL. Success.

My girlfriend and I just looked at each other, didn't say a word, toasted our drinks - and freely enjoyed the rest of our evening, LOL.

That event prompted me, months later, to get a large tattoo on my back, my left shoulder. And in this tattoo, I incorporated a lot of symbolism with regards to who I had become, the woman I was at that point in time. To this day, I wear it proudly and every single man I date asks about it. Asks what it means.

And to me, it represents the first day of the rest of my life ;-)

Enjoy the tune, LOL.; February 8, 2013 at 7:35 PM
virgochick said...: LOL MOA,

You got that right. It's bringing me back to school days. Few people have commented by saying "umm he looks like a fool".

You're right. He has lost control over me and I am not being his doormat. He probably is wanting me to go to him and say "why are you hurting my feelings, I love you don't do that etc etc" crawl to him like a sad puppy. Ain't happening.

I can tell he is getting frustrated there's just so many things now where he needs to sort of argue with what I am saying for the sake of it instead of having a normal adult convo. So yes, being an immature child.

I told friends including him about a show, and he was arguing to get a reaction that it's not as good as x show. I just stood for what I thought and said yeah it is. Like he wanted me to back down and agree with him. HELL NO! Then later he said "you just love all the sex scenes" lol.

Anyway, so got the clown phase obviously who knows whats next. I was so close to saying its really starting to upset me but no, I am going to do what you say. Thanks MOA :)

And p.s calling you princess? lol it's quite amuzing what lengths they now go to, to try gain control. You've made me see how their mind works and boy that feels good to now have the 1 up on em :P; February 8, 2013 at 8:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

Lonnie here. Thanks for the response. I have a new file in my documents entitled, “Advice from mirror”. LOL. So, I copied and pasted the latest to add for reference. (Smile.)

So, anyway, as you know - I’m dating and I think I found a nice, stable guy; has his own business. He’s a widower, raised his child since he was a baby. (Wife died in a car accident.) We are moving slow. Tonight would have been the third date, but he’s sick, so we made it for next week. So, I’m at home pondering about why I miss this other guy sooo much. Uggh.

I just caught up on MOA posts from the past month and this sounds like a past episode I had (but wasn’t): "Anonymous Jan. 22, 4:01PM,” I text him on the Saturday morning but it took him hours to respond, which wasn't like him."

MOA: That's because you're behavior changed and you took the lead role - you pursued him there. Men don't like that. They believe in natural gender roles - man leads, woman submits. And when a woman starts to pursue a man by initiating contact, right away he thinks things are headed into "relationship" territory FAST - and he'll disappear.

Anonymous: "but it's the change in behavior that annoys me."

MOA: It's not his change in behavior that happened here, it's yours. He simply pulled back a bit (And men do this to test a woman's emotional strength - will she become insecure? Will she begin blowing up my phone? Will she start pursuing me?) BINGO - there was his answer. See what I mean?

OMG… This is me- I didn’t only respond with an emotional text, but a whole page email, Mirror!!

I just didn’t understand, at the time, because he was calling me every day for a month and then he didn’t for 3 days straight. Surely you would agree that something was up, as I assumed, as well; but instead of playing the “cool chic” – I freaked out and responded with a 1 page email. He was nice enough to call me, though, and talk about it. It just went downhill from there because I kept pursuing him… I realize that now.

During that phone conversation, I admitted that I wondered why he had stopped calling me and just assumed it was over, so I wrote an email – and he said, “Well, maybe we just need a little space for a while”.

Two weeks later, he called me and after talking for an hour, I asked him to coffee (me, the pursuer again). He said, “Let me get back with you”. I regretted doing that and then politely canceled by text, an hour later (stating that I had forgotten I had a former commitment).

Two weeks later, he texts me and I say (after several texts back and forth), “What is it you want from me?” He says, “Just missing you”. I then say, ‘Well, then - why don’t we meet for coffee and see how we both feel?” (Again, the pursuer.)

We meet, had a fabulous time, I thought. Coffee turns into 8- 10 hours together. I should have walked away after the goodbye kiss, but instead invite him to a stroll in the park (Me – the pursuer, uggh) , which turned romantic. I ask for a commitment (because he brings up sex, in a back doorway kind of way). He says he needs to think about that, as he values his freedom. He calls for five days and then disappears, this time for good. Except for my birthday, he contacts me...; February 8, 2013 at 9:16 PM
Anonymous said...: (Con't.) Lonnie here...I find your site and realize what I’ve done. I wait about 6 hours to respond to the b-day text and write him off as a friend. Saying, “Thank you. I really appreciate your friendship. Hope all is well with you.” He writes back, “Sure, enjoy the special day”.

Around Thanksgiving, I send him a text saying I hope he has a “Happy Thanksgiving”. We exchange a few texts back and forth and it ends. I feel stupid for contacting him – because he didn’t ask me out and I have not contacted him since… (all your info, finally sunk in) and no word from him either…

I was dating his neighbor’s friend, about 10 days after we broke off all contact, and I think he might know about it. I probably look even more insecure as he must see me as some desperate woman trying to hook up with any guy. I just wanted to put myself out there again and start to date to forget about him. (It just so happened that people know each other, but I didn’t know that, at the time.)

Mirror, as nice looking as this man I’m dating now is; has his own business, appears healthy and secure – I can’t seem to forget about this other guy. HELP! I guess I have been out of the loop so long – and I was used to getting my way when I was a younger thing. (Now 45 and age has caught up with me.) Not used to this rejection, mirror. Or, the new ways of dating and all the competition out there.

So anyway... new guy calls tonight and wishes he could see me, (except he’s sick) and all I can think of is the guy from October. Will he contact me again? I feel he must have liked me as he stayed in the game pretty long, but I kept pursuing him and probably ruined it, I suppose. Does he sound like a player to you at all that I should just forget? Or, did my insecurities ruin it and I should chalk it up as a lesson learned? Or can I hope that I might have a chance again?

Don’t worry… I’m not letting this guy go that I’m seeing. I’m keeping an open mind. I just don’t want to get too involved if there should be a future chance with this other one I’m missing. It’s been 3 months of no contact though. What are my chances you think?; February 8, 2013 at 9:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonnie,
"I didn’t only respond with an emotional text, but a whole page email, Mirror!!"

I've written a 9 page email before. Yes, 9 pages of nothing but fury and emotion - to the one man that was a gentlemen, LOL. And you know why? Because he issued an ultimatum and wanted a commitment and a show of feelings from me - DAH, LOL. I felt pressured and freaked out. Plus, he said if I didn't show him that, he was just going to "bolt" on me and something about that phrase "bolt" just sent me and my Taurus temper into orbit.

Sigh.

That was many years ago and the poor guy, he handled it like the gentlemen he was. After I sent it, he wrote me back and said something like, "I'm going to have to read this tonight, I printed it off and it's 9 pages long. It's a book. I'll get back to you."

LOL, sigh.

And he did. He actually got back to me. Not only that but I went into no contact for 3 months after that - and he came back. I didn't see him until 4 months later, after he came back. We dated again for 2 months - and I did it again. I broke up with him. DER.

He's happily married now and good for him. Because I'm quite sure I drove that poor man mad, LOL.

"I was dating his neighbor’s friend, about 10 days after we broke off all contact, and I think he might know about it. . .(It just so happened that people know each other, but I didn’t know that, at the time.)"

No harm, no foul - all is fair in love and war - which are one in the same if you ask me, LOL ;-)

"I can’t seem to forget about this other guy."

There's a very simple explanation for that - he made you feel insecure. Period, case closed. It plays to the psychology of "people always want what they can't have." The one's that reject you are the one's you want the most. It's human nature. And it's also human nature to then turn around and attempt to "prove" yourself to that individual - to win them over.

And ladies, that's the magic in "no contact." Because what it does to you - it also does to men. This is odd, I know . . but if you really like a guy - HANG BACK with him. Do not leap towards him. Instead, make yourself scarce. It works like a charm and men know this - it's why they regularly "disappear" on you, LOL ;-)

Because when someone feels insecure and rejected, they feel the need to prove themselves to the person, to change their view of them and "win" them over. Thoughts like, "what did I do wrong" and "why doesn't he like me" start to run through the individuals head. It becomes maddening and before you know it - they're on the warpath to win.

We're all only human - and therefore, flawed, LOL. If we were flawless, we'd all be Gods, not humans.

And you know why you can't get the hots for the nice guy, the actual gentlemen you're dating? Because he hasn't jerked you around, LOL. Hence the phrase, "nice guys finish last."

It's human nature to want what you can't have. But don't confuse that "compulsion" with real "feeling." Just because you can't quit thinking about him doesn't mean you have real feelings for him - the kind that are meant for a relationship.

Cont . .; February 9, 2013 at 10:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Because the simple fact of the matter is - the feelings you have for the guy who rejected you - are NOT the feelings that are necessary for a relationship. They are "compulsion" feelings to "win" and "prove" yourself is all.

So yes, they're feelings. But they are not the kind of feelings that lead to positive, healthy relationships. They are more akin to "knee jerk reaction" types of feelings. And a knee jerk reaction to someone else's actions are not what brings two people together in a loving, lasting relationship.

I don't think guy #1 is a player, he was nice enough to stick around. I think he was undecided so he just decided to let go. And I don't think your insecurities ruined it, if he's a nice guy and had some genuine feelings, he may return someday.

But don't let that stop you from giving the nice man who is currently interested a real shot at this. That man could turn out to make you very happy and secure.

Guy #1 could show up a year from now or 5 months from now. I believe one women this week just reported a man resurfacing after 5 months of no contact.

And as I was typing that phrase there, it occurred to me - we talk about these men "resurfacing" like it's a friggin' big foot sighting, LOL.

"I spotted one today at a traffic light." "One rang my phone yesterday at midnight, what do you think it wanted?" "Oh look, there it is, it's back, isn't it strange?" "OMG, there's one at my door, what does it want?"

It's like some sort of elusive, mythical creature that everyone talks about and sometimes, you catch a glimpse of, LOL ;-)

We need to tag and number these men when we date them so that we can start a website where we monitor their behavior and movements, "Oh look, number 1041 is moving down main street at 0 one hundred hours. Where do you think it's going at this time of night?" "I'm getting an alert, number 2210 is moving North on Eldred Street, heading my way. Should I lock the doors?"

It's really quite humorous when you think about it. And I imagine that any men secretly reading this thread are probably peeing their pants right now, LOL ;-); February 9, 2013 at 10:35 AM
AnonWoman said...: Mirror,

"And as I was typing that phrase there, it occurred to me - we talk about these men "resurfacing" like it's a friggin' big foot sighting, LOL.

That's funny. Very funny. Very, very, funny.; February 9, 2013 at 11:39 AM
Anonymous said...: MOA- I have a question. I had a man disappear on me right after Thanksgiving, and I believe its because we were not sleeping together yet. We actually mistakenly ran into each other a few weeks ago, and I blew up at him at a coffee shop in front of everyone ...lol.. I know my mistake.
For some reason he thought I would call HIM! Men, right? So this past Sunday after I continued my NO CONTACT with him for nearly 2-3 weeks, he texted me wondering what happened? I did what you suggested and didn't respond for nearly 2 days. When I did I acted very coy and straightforward and pretended as if I didn't care. Low and behold this man has been texting me every day...what are you doing?...do you have plans this weekend? I know he feels guilty for the way he treated me.Why? He hates texting, so for him to text shows me that he doesn't want to have to handle calling because he's not sure how I will react. I told him I have plans this weekend, and he acted if I was BSing him. I lost it..I called him out for being the BSer. For some reason my bitchy side turns him on and my "nice" girl persona bores him. Its incredible. I scheduled a date with a nice guy yesterday after attending a dating auction. I don't know what to do with this reappearing man of mines. Its like he turns me on with his asshole behaviors. I decided if anything happens with us it will be on my terms and not his. I broke all the rules when we first started dating. I called and texted him within the first week. I went to his house and "hung" out with him. Eventually he got lazy, and stop courting me when he realized he "had" me. Eventually I was chasing him, and then he disappeared. It sucks being left out there and stuck thinking what happened or what went wrong.

This time I am going to date more than one man, and make both court ME and vie for my affection. I've never done that before, but I think its the best option especially with someone who disappeared before. I know this is silly, but how do you date more than one man? Do you tell one about the other or do you insinuate that you do date multiple men at the same time regardless?

My reappearing disappearing man thinks he knows everything about me from our brief dating experience, so to hear I am dating someone else will probably through him for a serious loop and deflate his ego...The new guy probably not. I figure if I start dating my reappearing disappearing man again that I must take things very slow with him to "catch" him. I won't be overly available and jump at the last minute to go out like I used to. I will never initiate a conversation via text or phone ever again...That was a huge mistake. I need to figure out why he came back though...eventually he will show his cards, but I am ready this time for anything.; February 9, 2013 at 12:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 9, 12:29PM,
"For some reason he thought I would call HIM!"

That's a red flag for an insecure man or possibly, a player.

"Its like he turns me on with his asshole behaviors."

Another red flag that is indicative of emotional immaturity.

"I think its the best option especially with someone who disappeared before."

Absolutely.

"How do you date more than one man? Do you tell one about the other or do you insinuate that you do date multiple men at the same time regardless?"

You don't have to answer to any of these men. Men do not feel the need to answer to women about matters such as this and what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

The only time you have to answer to a man or explain yourself is if he's asked you to enter in a committed relationship with him and you've agreed.

So you don't say a word to either one of them. This isn't lying, it's simply your right as an individual at this point. Particularly when casually dating (i.e. no sex). You're allowed to have dinner and spend time with anyone you like.

If one of them attempts to pry, and says something like, "Are you dating anyone else right now?" You don't lie - but you don't give full disclosure either. Again, you don't have to answer to any of these men at this point. So you simply say, "I date but I haven't found the right one yet." Or, "I date casually, but I'm not involved with anyone serious at the moment."

That signals to them that you are you're own woman, you make your own decisions, you do not commit to one man unless it's serious and he's asked for the commitment and it also signals that - he's going to have to work at this a bit - because YOU have OPTIONS - CHOICES.

"My reappearing disappearing man thinks he knows everything about me from our brief dating experience"

Yea, emotionally immature men tend to make a lot of erroneous assumptions about women and then they "label" them and compartmentalize them into tiny little boxes - "Janie is an insecure girl" so Janie is labeled insecure and goes into the insecure box. "Christy likes sex" so Christy is secretly labeled a whore and goes into the "Plan B, dry spell" box. "Karen cries all the time" so Karen is labeled "emotional" and goes into the "last resort" box. "Susan like to drink and party" so Susan gets labeled a party girl and goes into the "good time" box.

It's stupid. But that's the teensy little bit of thought an emotionally immature man puts into it - emotionally immature men vibe off of snap judgments about women - rather than taking the time to actually get to know them.

"I need to figure out why he came back though"

Very true. And holding back and making yourself scarce to him will tell the tale. If he continues to initiate contact and continues his attempts, eventually, you can stop and turn around and take a look at him, LOL.

If he makes one or two lame attempts and then disappears, he's a flake that's looking for an easy score - buh bye guy, LOL ;-); February 9, 2013 at 1:02 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,
I hope you are keeping these gems to publish someday. Hilarious!

"I spotted one today at a traffic light." "One rang my phone yesterday at midnight, what do you think it wanted?" "Oh look, there it is, it's back, isn't it strange?" "OMG, there's one at my door, what does it want?"

"Oh look, number 1041 is moving down main street at 0 one hundred hours. Where do you think it's going at this time of night?" "I'm getting an alert, number 2210 is moving North on Eldred Street, heading my way. Should I lock the doors?"

That's some funny stuff! Thanks for the laugh... needed it. ;); February 9, 2013 at 1:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror! This is HopelessWithMen again. Thanks very, very much for your time and prompt, perfect advice! Yes, you are absolutely right about this man - he is definitely insecure and immature, we even discussed this once and I told him I didn´t want to function as his mother! He replied nothing, so it can´t have been a surprise to him.

I have a follow-up question, though. If I decided to answer his texts and meet him again to take that present and have a chat again, when would be the right time to respond and how should I behave during the meeting? I want you to know that I absolutely agree with your suggestion that he isn´t worth any of my attention BUT: 1.I have no other options at the moment; 2. I feel empowered by all your advice and the other brave women on this site; 3. I never did anything to save my face in front of such men in the past, so I would like to walk away from him in a victorious way, so that HE feels that he has missed a wonderful opportunity. So in order to achieve this goal what would you suggest doing? Just no contact? Or meeting him, take that present, be nice,flirty but difficult to read and then starting no contact? I know I must sound silly wanting to do this at my age, but as I have just said, I have never done this in my life and I feel an urge to do it now.

I´ll be looking forward to your reply. Thanks in advance, HopelessWithMen; February 9, 2013 at 1:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AnonWoman and Gemini50,
We can start reporting "resurfacing" occurrences as "big foot" sightings, LOL ;-)

Big foot sighting: "I saw one eating out of my bird feeder in the backyard last night, do you think it's hungry?"

Big foot sighting: "One jumped out in front of my car yesterday, it looked familiar, I think I dated it a while back. I swear it said 'hello' and then it just ran away."

LOL ;-); February 9, 2013 at 1:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your response MOA. This guy has taught me so much about men and dating in so little time. I think he sensed my neediness because I OVER SHARED information and demanded explanations about our dating situation a month in.
Listen up ladies: Do not tell them your dating frustrations or anything emotionally relevant of your past until he earned that right aka. committed relationship. Once they know too much, they use it as a way to get what they want (sex) and it will hinder your ability to get a relationship. As soon as this guy saw that I was lonely, he stopped courting me and became bored because he knew there was no one else. Instead of acting independent, I acted dependent on his decision of whether he wanted a relationship because I was looking for one with him. It should not be that way. He should be seeking YOUR time and commitment. Like MOA said- the men you ignore are usually the ones blowing up your phone. It is so true! When I ignored this dude at the beginning he called all the time. When I didn't call other men who wanted to date me, many of them got worried that I didn't care about them or wasn't interested. When they disappear, don't call or text them. MOA is telling the truth,ladies! In my experience, they all come back! You will find out soon enough what they want eventually if you stay low key and act like you don't care. Once they return, they want something either sex or to make amends. If they want sex, you will find out immediately because they will try to get it sooner rather than later. Their effort will def be lame.
I didn't sleep with my guy, so I'm wondering why he came back. Is it to try again to have sex with me, is he lonely, or do he really miss the connection we had? Time always tell because I am going to make him start from SCRATCH as if we never dated. There will be no picking up the pieces.

In the interim,I feel my guy needs to pick up the phone because I think he was hiding behind the text messages fearing rejection or that I will flip out on him again.I will only look out for best interest regardless and go from there.

Listen to these words of wisdom from MOA because this is the truth. These men are lazy and disrespectful with their courting.

VirgoPal; February 9, 2013 at 1:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: All of the "sightings" talk remind me of a comment a women left on the Aries male post here a while back when she wrote:

"On a different note, my male Aries best friend who has stuck with me through thick and thin . . . has gone completely AWOL. If you see him, tell him I said HI."

LOL!; February 9, 2013 at 1:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopelessWithMen,
Well, I wouldn't advise this. But if you're intent on doing it, I'd agree to meet him somewhere for 10 minutes - but I wouldn't tell him in advance that I can only meet for 10 minutes.

I'd be very short and apathetic towards him upon arrival and I'd hurry him along to provide the gift and get down to it. Then I'd tell him I have somewhere to be and I have to run - and I'd leave. Without so much as a thank you.

Then I'd retreat into no contact and write him off for good at that point.

But realize, a jag like this can make plans to meet you somewhere - only to stand you up. In which case, you'll feel even worse and he will have gained the upper hand and had the last laugh for sure :-(

It's a risk.; February 9, 2013 at 1:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoPal,
"These men are lazy and disrespectful with their courting."

So true. And you know what's REALLY sad? I've had men flat out say to me, grown men in their 30's and 40's, actually say to me, "I've never actually formally "dated" before. I usually meet girls through friends and I don't have to take them to dinner or "date" them - because they were always just "there."

How sad is that?

Many "modern" day males don't understand the concept of dating and courting a woman and they are absolutely clueless when it comes to such.

I even had an argument with a man I dated about two months or so ago about that very thing. He was a Sag and he disappeared on me for about 4 days. Naturally, I did nothing and let me tell you, he became EXTREMELY insecure over it.

When he did return about 4 or 5 days later, it wasn't "Hey, how are you? How are you doing?" It was, "I guess we're not going to speak unless I contact you first."

Umm, yea.

I mean, at this point ladies - we had ONE DAMN DATE. One stinkin' date and this man, a grown 40 year old man, was actually absurd enough to think I had already fallen for him - and that I would CHASE him and begin to do all of the work. Because he was just so damn great and impressive. Which, by the way, he wasn't, LOL.

When he said that, I lost it, which I normally don't do. But at that point, I knew I had no desire to date a game player and a man that would "test" me emotionally with little disappearing acts to reassure himself of his manhood - so I let loose on him. I told him, "Well, that's what happens when you play games."

To which he responded, "I'm a man. I don't play games." Umm, yes - you just did!

These guys, it's so instinctual to them that they don't even realize what it is they're actually doing half the time. It's nuts. Needless to say, we went back and forth and I mentioned dating and courting a woman at the beginning of a relationship.

And you know what this jag said to me?

He said, "I get what you're saying. But that's from 50 years ago, things have changed?"

Oh really? Did women magically become dudes overnight? Did I miss something in the last 40 or 50 years that suddenly turned women into men? Did he have a sex change and suddenly become a woman overnight, LOL? What did I miss here?

And then you know what happened?

He wished me good luck. I retorted with, "I don't need it. But you, my friend, yea - you're going to need it."

Implying to him that he didn't know the first thing about women or dating and mating.

And you know what he said?

He responded with, "I know."

LOL, he KNOWS what he's doing wrong. He KNOWS that his thinking and his outlook isn't going to get him anywhere with women.

HE KNOWS THAT. Men know the difference between right and wrong deep down inside

Yet he's still a caveman. And probably a lonely one at that, LOL ;-); February 9, 2013 at 2:10 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA 7:35 pm,feb 8

'And to me, it represents the first day of the rest of my life ;-)'

How beautiful.Do you tell the men you meet about the symbolism behind your tattoo?How do they react?

That story is like cut from a movie.And no,he wouldnt know :)

BREAKING NEWS: Lol.Guess who texted 2 hours ago saying ''Darling''.My Sag,the one that brought me here in the first place.After one week of silence on his behalf and the previous week,silence on my behalf.He mirrored me!It's like he was freaking counting!7 days exactly.

You advised letting him sweat at it a bit,depending on case(in my case I started nagging and pushing),before taking action.I'm thinking of replying tomorrow night or even Monday saying a simple ''hello,how r u?sorry i've been busy''/NOTHING MORE.

What do you think MOA?

The amazing thing is,yesterday,after talking to you,I felt so empowered.I thought how much more productive it would be to work on the relationship with ''me'' and not someone else.And BEHOLD,it's like he sensed im not thinking about him anymore,like they have a radar or something?

I'm going to do my vision board :); February 9, 2013 at 2:11 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA - I think I saw one what I believe to be a Big Foot print in the bushes near the supermarket where he knows I always get my groceries... do you think this means that he has finally made up his mind and has come to tell me that he loves me?!
LOVL!!!
Sometimes I think that we need to go back and censure all fairytales to ensure that the new generation does not get too infected with those romantic notions. We should give all the heroines of the stories a PDA and the opportunity to get online to check your blog. I betya that if they had, a lot of princes would have been wandering around empty castles aimlessly, found no-one to fit that one golden slipper, and bowing over to kiss a sleeping beauty that turned out to have disappeared. And all fairytales would end like this: "she had taken note of MOA's advice and lived happily every after". What do you say??!; February 9, 2013 at 2:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Sista Taurus- Men are no fools. They know when a woman is ignoring them..lol..The real game is not letting think you actually care about them enough for them to try to misbehave again... I would wait about 3-4 days if he waited a week to respond to you. Unless he starts acting interested or states he wants to make amends, there is no reason to entertain him and his "Darling" text. He knows he messed up, and is shooting a bone out there for you to grab it! Watch him text you again if you wait it out enough...lol. Can't wait for MOA response!

VirgoPal; February 9, 2013 at 2:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
"Guess who texted 2 hours ago saying "Darling." (LOL, big foot sighting, ladies.)

Yes, men are funny creatures indeed and I'm quite sure they feel women are equally mystifying. 90% of them come back ;-)

"Do you tell the men you meet about the symbolism behind your tattoo? How do they react?"

Truthfully, every single man goes ga-ga over it. They all make mention of it and they're all really enticed by it. "Oh, I just love that, it's sexy." And, "Wow, that's impressive. You put thought into that." And, "The colors are really just gorgeous, it's beautiful."

It's crazy - but they absolutely love it.

And yes, I tell them about the symbolism behind it but I leave the stupid ex out of it, he's hardly worth mentioning. They get the story from the first day forward - they don't hear anything at all about what lead up to it, LOL.

"He mirrored me! It's like he was freaking counting! 7 days exactly."

Yep. As much as men deny playing games - they do it all the time.

And they underestimate a woman's intelligence. He probably doesn't even realize - he completely gave himself away there. Because now that he's gone and done that - you have his number. You now know what you're dealing with and how to play the game - to win, LOL ;-)

"I'm thinking of replying tomorrow night or even Monday saying a simple "hello, how r u? sorry i've been busy''/NOTHING MORE."

You know, to be honest, his text isn't a question - it doesn't demand a response. Additionally, responding after one attempt isn't the best thing to do. For a man to really prove he's genuinely interested, he needs to make a couple of attempts at contact to show it.

You do what you want here, but if it were me, I'd ignore the "darling" text altogether. I'd let it sink in with him that it's going to take MUCH more than one damn word to get my attention back. I mean, the least he could do is say something constructive - like form an entire sentence, not just one damn word, LOL.

If it were me, I wouldn't respond to that and I'd make him do better than that, try harder than that, to get my attention.

"I thought how much more productive it would be to work on the relationship with ''me'' and not someone else."

Don't let his silly one word text and lame attempt at communication derail you from that agreement with yourself.

YOU are what's more important here. He's just a man - and there are plenty more out there where he came from, LOL ;-)

The thing to focus on here is not him - it's you and what this proves to you. And what this proves to you is . . . you have more value to men (and him) than you thought you had. Do not be afraid to pull back or walk away from them, because you do have a higher value than you think you do :-)

On a different note, a male friend of mine (a Sag) text me last night at about 8PM. I didn't respond until 9AM this morning. He wrote me back a few minutes later and said, "You're just getting back to me now?"

Umm, yea.

I ignored that text - and he rang my phone two hours later. LOL ;-); February 9, 2013 at 2:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 9, 2:38PM,
OMG . . I'm laughing so hard I just spit out my coffee. The dog's looking at me like, "What's your problem lady?"

Oh gesus, this is so funny:

"I think I saw one, a Big Foot, in the bushes near the supermarket where he knows I always get my groceries... do you think this means that he has finally made up his mind and has come to tell me that he loves me?!"

And:

"A lot of princes would have been wandering around empty castles aimlessly, found no-one to fit that one golden slipper, and bowing over to kiss a sleeping beauty that turned out to have disappeared. And all fairytales would end like this: "she had taken note of MOA's advice and lived happily every after."

OMG, that's hilarious. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Ain't that the truth though? Those stupid books, they pump you up and place men on such pedestals, like they're the answer to all your prayers.

Then, you get older and you have sex for the first time and you're like, "This is it? This is what I've been holding out for?"

And then you get married and one day and you look at this lump (your man) on the sofa in his underwear, scratching his balls and using that same hand to shove Cheetos in his face and you're like, "This is it? This is what I gave up my dreams for?"

Then you find yourself single again and you start dating and you're like, "This is it? This is all you've got to offer?"

Then you decide to stop dating and rid yourself of the headache of men altogether and you're like, "This is it! It's like a dream come true!!!!"

And then you live happily ever after, LOL ;-); February 9, 2013 at 2:57 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA feb 9,2:41 pm

I am LOLING in my kitchen at all the Big foot remarks.Yes,IT is alive!Hahaha

"And yes, I tell them about the symbolism behind it but I leave the stupid ex out of it, he's hardly worth mentioning. They get the story from the first day forward - they don't hear anything at all about what lead up to it, LOL."

And you should leave the ex out of it.For some naive reason,I always find myself explaining my past to men.How fucking annoying is that?I have loads of Gemini in my chart so I just can't fucking stop talking.Grrr As if I'm trying ito rectify my behaviour to someone and always bringing up the ''inner child'' BS in as well.Men stare at me mystified and I feel as if I am showing them that I am not just some other chick.''I am special''.Boy,I am growing up as I'm typing this lol.How embarrassing to even think that would work on anyone.Is it pity that I want?NO(PROUD TAURUS ROAR)-love me,cause I never was loved.Bunch of crap.I will keep this to myself for the rest of my life.And keep it in control.

You are right.I take a piss on his 'darling'.He needs to do more than that.Plus,he needs to understand that what he did was not right and I won't accept it.He has to deal with it,not me.

Regarding your Sag friend,yes they kind of get antsy like that.Mine would have the same knee jerk reaction if I got back at him later.(one time i even put him on hold while someone else rand my phone,he was in SHOCK,like really?his words hehe).My sister is a Sag too and she always wants it her way,when she wants,how she wants it.I THINK NOT.

And I'm sure he has other chicks in rotation.He should,its only the beginning.But you know what,I am not an option,I have my own schedule and dreams to attend to.

You have really inspired a shift inside of me,MOA.It's palpable,it's in tune with my needs and it's moving now.

Thank you.and Thank you@VirgoPal too :); February 9, 2013 at 3:11 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: Oh and one more thing.Yes yes yes,HOW ON EARTH did i even think of replying with a fully phrased sentence to that piece of shit ''darling''.

Getting my head straight@ME!; February 9, 2013 at 3:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
There you go . . you're getting stronger as we speak. I can hear it in your voice.

Fight off the fear and remain strong and you will see, this will be one of the best gifts you've ever given to yourself. You will feel empowered and you will NEVER settle for anything less than what you deserve.

And once you start generating that strength and that empowerment and those positive thoughts and new-found confidence - you will see - you will start to attract all of those positive things right back to you.

And your days of worrying and wasting time over some a-hole will be forever behind you - you will have liberated yourself from all of that ;-); February 9, 2013 at 3:34 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Hopelesswith men

I know you are here for MOA's advice,as the rest of us kittens but I would like to pitch in my 2 cents as well,with no offense.

Are you kidding me with that old silly buffoon,girl?You bought him a gift,you took time,invested money,energy,emotion and he brought you NOTHING?WHO THE HELL IS THIS FOOL?

You do not need to lift one teensy finger for this pile of bones.I understand you have the need to PRACTISE on him now and turn the tables around and feel empowered(you never previously did with men) but honey,NO..how more humiliating can it get,FOR YOU?You are blowing up his ego and his insecure ass will only string you along and disrespect you more.

I think this one had a shelf life and it just about expired with that big ole NOTHING he gave you.

Love yourself,not only through words,but actions.And they will follow.Good luck!; February 9, 2013 at 3:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, thanks very much for your advice and warning. I feel I should write something to clarify the man´s character. E.g. when he didn´t bring the present to our date, he apologized that he hadn´t had time to buy one as he had been very busy all the week. And when he left me in the woods, he sent a text after two days in which he apologized again saying that he felt ashamed and wanted to put things right after the holidays. And I must admit that in the woods I got VERY emotional and actually sent him away from me. I am not trying to excuse him, I am just trying to explain the situation as objectively as possible.Also, he was consistent in dates and when my father was in hospital, he was supportive. He called me and asked about his state. I must also mention that while we were dating, a very sad thing happened - his father died. He had divorced two or three years ago and the reason was his wife cheating on him, at least that´s the version he gave me.

So I just wanted to add some more facts, although I feel that you are right about him. I myself was confused all the time, because on the one hand he was courteous, interested, but my gut feelings were unsure. Oh, and he said that he felt I was distancing from him. Yes, I was quite reserved, but I wanted to take my time and not hurry anything. Also, before that unfortunate date before Christmas he had invited me to his place for the first time and I said yes and then in a later phone call I refused saying that I hadn´t promised any particular date to him. I think I just got frightened and also, I found it difficult to communicate with him. So maybe I made him think about my motives too.

My question is - is your opinion of this man still the same? Haven´t we judged him too harshly? I haven´t met him since Christmas and now I really don´t know whether to give him another chance to meet me or not. Sorry to bother you repeatedly. I appreciate all your comments, they are so eye-opening. Thanks a lot!
HopelessWithMen; February 9, 2013 at 3:54 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: And as I sit here going through everyone's posts,I realise that the topics on men have thousands of comments,yet a practical,productive,progressive,self improvement topic like the LAW OF ATTRACTION has barely a few.

Sadly,we put so much into men,into the external factors,and so little into 'us'.Us wonderful women,mothers,sisters,daughters,girlfriends,wives,etc

It is just a man,not the world's 8th wonder.

And next time I will get emotional,I will tell myself this :'what is the best course of action here?'separate logic from emotion.Control those god damn butterflies ladies.It's within your power.Thank you MOA(Mother Of All):); February 9, 2013 at 3:55 PM
PiscesSwimmingAway said...: @MOA

“OMG, are you freakin' kidding me with this one.”

That’s exactly what I thought when I saw the text. You know, sometimes, not all but sometimes, hurt and confused people hurt and confuse people. Where was baby when he decided to call me 3 weeks ago? Hah…what-the-freak-ever!!! Don’t play those kinds of games with me!

I already know, after he’s had time to process things, he’s going to regret sending that crap. Actually, he probably did as soon as he got my response. But really, in all honesty, I don’t care if he does or doesn’t. If he’s happy being miserable then I’m happy for him.

At this point, it’s just fun and intriguing investigating into the inter-workings of that kind of mindset.

All I know for certain is…his need to get his frustrations out are misdirected at me and I’m no longer lined up in his sites. And yes, I know he’ll be back because his pride will demand redemption. LOL!

Thanks for your humor. I was hollering the entire time I was reading your responses! What a piece of work.

PiscesSwimmingAway; February 9, 2013 at 4:02 PM
SilentScream said...: @ Sista' Taurus:

I also got a one-word text from a guy who disappeared and reappeared after 2.5 weeks. But mine was even lamer...I just got a "Boo!". Hello? WTH? This was back in January so I know he wasn't in the Halloween spirit! What's up with these one-word texts?!? I mean, my guy has pulled this same "Boo!" thing on me very early on when I decided to ignore him because I felt like I was doing a lot of the initiating. Not only does he not know how to form complete sentences, he also lacks creativity repeating the same thing for a second time!; February 9, 2013 at 5:14 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Anyone

On another note,does anyone have any advice on how to quit my unhealthy relationship with nicotine?I doubt the 30 day NC will do much help here.Lol

I started by not smoking all day and finished the evening by blowing half a pack.Should i treat it like a it is a man?Gonna try again tomorrow!; February 9, 2013 at 6:34 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Wanted to share something with you too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSX444hQ5Vo

This exhibition once changed my life; February 9, 2013 at 6:56 PM
AnonWoman said...: Mirror and Gemini50

"Cccccccccerrrrr, Crrrrr, One two, One two, Come in. 6ft 2 white male with a furry jacket on from head to toe, spotted at Walmart, Isle 4....pro-ported to be Alpha Male specimen code named 'P', not seen since Christmas 2011. Over"; February 9, 2013 at 8:51 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,
I hope I can report a Big Foot Scorpio sighting at some point.

Update on Virgo practice: After over a month of his consistent initiating contact via txts and work i-m's, and my using the skills taught on your site, I finally talked to Virgo on the phone last week due to losing Superbowl bet (his idea: whoever lost had to call the winner, and listen to their "wants"). (ugh)

I called, he talked. He surprised me by explaining his problem w/one of our intimacy issues (which showed some real soul searching on his part and was surely hard for him to admit) and then, after explaining how tough work was for him right now (we work for same co. and it is rough), he asked me to fly down for a visit. He said he would make up for his behavior towards me in the past, and the work problems are the reason why he was asking me to come see him, and not him coming to see me (finally! he "gets" that the man goes to the woman.)

When he said he wanted an answer right away, I said, "If that's the case..." Then he cut me off and gave me 24 hrs to answer. (I was going to say "no.")

I seriously considered the trip the next day, but every part of me was not feeling good about it. So, that night I txt him with my decision explaining I was not comfortable with trip.

I can't tell you how significant that act of saying no was for me. If I could have done it by phone, I would have, but texting was my shield. I listened to my child (other's call it gut, but I think it's our child) and my adult took the action my child needed to feel protected. And it's not that this man would hurt me physically, but he certainly has shown he is not to be trusted with my heart.

Part of my "no," was also a test to see how Virgo would react to it and treat me afterwards.

He told me it was a wrong move, asked me to rethink my answer and gave me another 24 hrs.

During this time, he had also been complaining daily to me about work and forwarding some issues on work email. I tried to help by giving him some ideas. The day after my text he sent a response, "I quit."

I tried to be encouraging and said, "No you don't." He responded, "You did, why can't I"

I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say.

And there was no more contact by Virgo.

I was bugged by the "You quit" comment. It ate at me. I am plenty of things, but one of them is NOT a quitter.

I tried to continue NC, but I had something to say. During our NEMO storm last night I sent him a text, "Please do not respond. I am not a quitter. I took a step back to view actions rather than words."

I needed to say it. Throughout our txts and i-m'ing he often called me a "hard-ass" because I wouldn't talk to him on phone and I wasn't jumping to his txts.

I also would not participate in his sexting and inuendos anymore, and told him I would not. He handled this well by apologizing each time he slipped. But I had to be the one to stick to my behavior.

I consistently told him then I was taking care of myself and no longer going by his words anymore.

My text last night was because I needed to let this man know my choice is not because I am a quitter, it is a decision I made based on his efforts -- all words, which are just not enough for me anymore.

How hard is it to take action (more than texts and emails or phone calls)? Even if you are 1,000 miles away? How hard is it to send a card, order flowers, etc.? We had an earlier bet on the football game prior to Superbowl which I lost and I sent him more than what we agreed upon, and something he really liked.

The first bet we had on a football game during this month, we bet on a cigar. I won that one and he sent me one of his (which I won't smoke) rather than going out to the store and buying a java that I like. This was an opportunity for him to show some effort, instead he did what was easiest for him.

I am so tired of lazy men.; February 9, 2013 at 10:21 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Sista'Taurus & Anon Feb 9, 2:57,

LOL!

"I have loads of Gemini in my chart so I just can't fucking stop talking.Grrr As if I'm trying ito rectify my behaviour to someone and always bringing up the ''inner child''

That is so funny! Especially since I just wrote about Virgo guy and added, "our gut is our "child."" too funny!

@ Anon 2:57

Funny as hell: "And then you get married and one day and you look at this lump (your man) on the sofa in his underwear, scratching his balls and using that same hand to shove Cheetos in his face..." funny, funny, funny!

There are good guys out there... I believe it. Ms. Mirror is right, we need to weed the losers out.; February 9, 2013 at 10:48 PM
Jessica said...: Hi I am a aries. I date a virgo an hes been giving me the treatment where hes not answering my calls or text an says hes trying to work on hisself what should i do any advice; February 9, 2013 at 11:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopelessWithMen,
I didn't read anything there that changes anything. He made an excuse about being busy over the gift - and men who care and who are gentlemen - the make time for women and important things.

And sending him away in the woods...a gentleman never would've done that regardless. He'd have walked away, given you 15 minutes for yourself and then calmed you down, apologized right then and there and would've taken you home.

And a gentleman keeps his promises and follows through with action. He promised to make it up to you after the holidays...and it's February. And nothing but more words, more stringing you along.

Don't give the benefit of doubt to a man based on words alone...actions matter. Words are just talk.

And the fact that he had been supportive at one time but failed miserably to be supportive and understanding of your disappointment in him in the woods that day kinda' makes it even worse to me. He really could've proved himself that day and instead, he left you and didn't even bother to see if you made it home till 2 days later.; February 10, 2013 at 12:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
You did the right thing here. Give him time to process what you said to him. I have a feeling hell be back. And maybe next time, he'll back up those words with some romance and solid action and fulfill those needs of yours ;-)

@Jessica,
Stop contacting him and pull back. No contact here. Let the man be a man. Men pursue women, not the other way around. That's how Mother Nature intended it. A genuinely interested man will seek you out.

He said he needs time to work on himself. Give it to him. If you chase him, he'll only remain further away from you. Read the piece here in the dating tab in the header navigation titled "no contact, how, what, when to use it."; February 10, 2013 at 12:49 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

Ok My Sag after a week of silence:

Attempt 1: 'Darling'(him)
Me-nothing

Attempt 2(5 hours later):"Alright,bye*wink*'
Me-nothing

Are you f kidding me?Lol

I get 2 words now,PROGRESS lmao; February 10, 2013 at 4:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror...you are fabulous and help us all to learn to be independent women who demand to be treated with respect! My story is a bit strange and I will try to get to the point I am stuck at quickly. I am a Leo on the cusp of Cancer btw and met my Aries (TONS of water in his chart) on an online dating site. I was a deer in headlights at the time back in the dating scene after 15 years of marriage and a bit of time to myself. Aries is not typical in that he is not aggressive in the pursuit arena, more like he suggests and I mostly would miss entirely..lol. He also is 5 years younger than my 38 and is dealing with a chronic lung condition from a fungus he acquired on deployment that caused him to be prematurely retired from the Marines, a career he loved and excelled in for about 10 years. His condition is manageable but he does get sick from time to time if he gets an infection and his care/illness is now a way of life for him. Now he has a job that I believe he likes, although it is not as ideal as what he had in the military and takes him out of town for anywhere from 4 days to a couple weeks at a time. He is also kind of a nomad in a way since leaving the military Jan 1 and just never got a place of his own again, has family of means he goes back and forth with who give him his own space in their homes. He has never been married and no children. He did chase initially though, not as much as other men but in his way. My first mistake was sleeping with him too soon. He seemed like he was uninterested in anything more with me after, so since he was the first man I had slept with in sooo long (and was a really amazing experience I admit) I decided to put him in the friend zone and I did talk to him about other dating experiences, etc. I began to get serious with someone else and was intimate with this person, but just as quickly it ended after finding out he was not as advertised. Yes, quite an interesting year of lessons for me. Anyhow, I ended up hurting Aries though by sharing with him that I had been intimate with someone else because he said he did like me and did not expect that (the just over a month of dating Mr. Wrong, Aries had been consistently reaching out to me casually flirting and suggesting we hang out...where I was slow to respond, short and sweet, etc). We had a short convo about his feelings, where I told him I had no idea he felt that way since I am not a mind reader and he should have told me what he expected and how he felt. I told him he knew I was dating other men and eventually he should have expected I would meet someone I liked. Really, why didn't he speak up or tell me he wanted more or didn't want me seeing other men?? I also should mention that he did not date me properly or try to woo me like I am used to. We had an amazing time at the beach, another time mini golfing and getting some mexican food at a place I love lol and that is about it other than hanging out at my place on occasion. As far as actions go, they weren't telling me Aries was really interested. So, after I realized I hurt him I felt horrible. I started to think of him in a different way and grew closer. Totally started to have feelings and began to want something more from him and told him so..mistake I know. He even told me that he didn't mind me dating other men and expected I would meet someone again, disappear and not talk to him anymore! So confusing!

anonymous in SD cont...; February 10, 2013 at 5:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont in SD...
Wrapping this up, but there has been a definite pulling away from me and disappearing acts. I kick myself because I know what I should do, but my emotions get the best of me and I blow it! I get caught up and show my cards or I get my feelings hurt and do the emotional lame texting, pouring my heart out or calling him on the carpet. So many things you have said here I shouldn't do I have done!! He has completely done the disappearing act and it has been one week since I heard from him this time, few days since I last reached out by telling him that I do not appreciate him poofing like he has given the last convo we had was about where we were going, which he wasn't sure what he wanted and kept asking me what I wanted from him..made a point of mentioning again how he expected I would meet someone else and disappear on him since I had brought up dating other men in the past..which he knows I haven't in a few months now and have been into him. I did tell him that I wanted something more from him and caught a half smile there for a second..yikes. Lately I have been the one to initiate contact mostly and he has been slow to respond to me as well as the time we spend together has been initiated by me and on his schedule. I care for him and think he has a great deal of the qualities I want in someone. He is absolutely dreamy, smart and so funny. He constantly tells me how beautiful, smart, funny and awesome I am, etc. We have a great time together when we are in each others company. He is so tender and thoughtful when he is with me. He has also told me he is not with anyone else..I don't know if that is true, but not sure why he would say so. I want to snap him back to me and get him in hot pursuit as well as began to treat me how I want to be treated..as well as more respectful and considerate of me and my time. I know that means no contact. I caught him checking out my dating profile last night when I was hidden and clearing out a ton of emails and messages since I haven't been on it in months and I immediately blocked him there, as well as on the chat program we talk through (well, used to until mysteriously he said he had wiped the program off his phone while resetting it..but I know he also chatted with me there on his iPad) and my cell phone (cell phone will let me know if he tries to talk or contact me, he will just be notified that his call or message did not go through via text). Is that to harsh? I thought I would make a statement and completely poof on him to cool him down for a bit...maybe do your tap method in a couple of weeks? What do you suggest? I am hoping to start from square one if he reaches out and teach him how I want to be treated. Am I on the right path? Please, please, please help!; February 10, 2013 at 5:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror first thanks for your insightful and down to earth articles..
These men are hilarious..wtf how is it the behaviour is all so similar..is there some secret manual they are all given?
They are so annoying but kind of funny at the same time...
My story in brief..met him prior to Christmas...went sort of slow...he took me to a few parties..introduced me to friends...altho he never actually called and asked me on a date..it was just texting to meet here or there.we slept together twice but no sex.
Did not hear for a week after the second time so I sent a "wanna catch up" text and he said yeah soon meeting some friends later..and I did not hear from him for the standard 30 days.
Then I got a text two days ago saying he was sorry he had not been in touch and had been in hospital after an accident and had two operations and what was i doing, he was going to local street fair on Sunday.
I text back after 24 hours saying I was out of town and would meet him on Sunday if he wanted. Heard from him at around 4pm on the Sunday that he was in a bar. Not an invitation...he sent a couple more and then I said I would pop in at the bar to have a drink with him. When I got there he was talking to some girl and I waved hello but as the bar was full of drunken idiots I left and later sent a text "sorry...too crazy for me-another time". He sent one back saying " I thought I saw you..but you disappeared".
Mirror, I think I know the answer. He's lazy and wants me to do the meeting and the chasing othwise if he really was keen would think of actually picking up the phone and calling for a date...
Have not answered the last one. Think he thought I would run to the bar and drag him home or something.
What do you think, Mirror...thanks x; February 10, 2013 at 7:41 AM
Saggi said...: Hi Mirror,

Well you wouldn’t believe it (actually you probably would!), but your strategy is working!

Remember how I told you (February 7, 9.06 am) that Mr Helicopter Pilot had messaged me on Facebook with the text message “want to come stay the night” and I was tempted to reply back with an emotionally charged response in attempt to assert my rights and not feel walked over.

Well, you talked me out of it. Instead, you advised that I should respond with: "I'd like to see you, but I cannot stay. How about we do dinner one night? You can come down my way, I know a great place we can go."

I was all set to send this message, however, I also decided to change my Facebook profile picture to a newer, slimmed down version of me, and had followed your earlier advice, in which you said wait a few days before messaging him back so that he does not conclude that I changed my profile picture for his benefit.

Well, I’ve been so busy this week that I had not had a chance to respond back to his message, and low and behold, he has messaged me again this afternoon on Facebook, this time, he put a little more effort into what he said. The text read:

Hey hope all is well. Was thinking of you the other night. if your ever keen to come catch up again I would love too. This time more fun less wine lol

When I read it, I nearly jumped out of my seat from the sense of pure satisfaction that it gave me. Ha ha ha. He had been THINKING about ME. I must finally be starting to get under his skin! This is all thanks to you and your advice.

How should I respond to this text? While he said he would love to catch up, the word “fun” was used, which is usually a code word for sex.

I’m eagerly awaiting your advice.

Oh, and for those who haven’t followed this saga, this guy swept me off my feet, got me into bed, and then promptly disappeared on me. This was three months ago. I was devastated at the time. I’ve followed Mirror’s advice to the letter, and everything she has predicted regarding this guy has come true. Mirror, is an absolute legend – she knows what she is talking about!

Thanks once again.

Saggi; February 10, 2013 at 7:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
LOL, in about another weeks or so, he may be forming complete sentences ;-); February 10, 2013 at 9:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 10, 5:27AM,
"Really, why didn't he speak up or tell me he wanted more or didn't want me seeing other men?"

He sounds emotionally immature.

"he did not date me properly or try to woo me like I am used to."

Another sign of immaturity.

"I have been the one to initiate contact mostly and he has been slow to respond to me as well as the time we spend together has been initiated by me and on his schedule."

Cease doing this. When women take the lead they begin to exhibit "masculine" energy. Men are not attracted to masculine, dominant energy.

"I would make a statement and completely poof on him to cool him down for a bit...maybe do your tap method in a couple of weeks? What do you suggest?"

I'd really put this one to the test. I'd initiate NC and NOT tap him, I'd wait for him to make several attempts at contacting ME first.

Pull back on him and see if he man's up and steps up to the plate. Do not respond to his initial attempt, wait for him to make a few and wait for him to reach the conclusion he played a role in this. Don't respond until he starts to exhibit some regret.; February 10, 2013 at 9:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 10, 7:41PM,
"is there some secret manual they are all given?"

Actually, there is a good book out there for WOMEN, written by a man, a handsome self-proclaimed player by the name of Steve Santagati:

http://www.badboysfinishfirst.com/

And his book is titled, "The Manual":

http://www.amazon.com/Manual-Explains-Think-Mate-Women/dp/030734570X

"I said I would pop in at the bar to have a drink with him."

Never accept last minute date requests (they must be made 3 days in advance or the answer is "I've already made plans). Never give a man the impression that you have nothing going on and you're "on call" for him.

"if he really was keen would think of actually picking up the phone and calling for a date..."

Yep. And if he doesn't ask for that date 3 days in advance, you've already made plans. And if his excuse for a date or his invitation is "let's meet for drinks" - you respond with, "how about you pick me up and we do dinner instead."

You need to only accept "proper" date offers. If his date offers are lame, you make up an excuse and you refuse them. If he makes only last minute requests you respond with, "Sorry, I've already made plans, but how you (3 days later) we do dinner."

And you keep refusing and suggesting the "proper" date - until he gets the message that if he wants to see you, he has to have a proper date planned and he has to request your time 3 days in advance - because you've got a life, others want to see you as well, you're not sitting around doing nothing waiting for him and he needs to work at this a bit.

"What do you think, Mirror"

As you've stated, he's lazy and he's conducting himself as such. He's most likely a player of sorts that's used to getting his way with women and having them come to HIM. And I imagine 98% of them do. Don't be like all the other girls, be different, be a challenge.

If he can't man up and live up to the challenge, toss him aside. He's really got nothing to offer you here to make you happy anyway. He's not attempting to fulfill YOUR needs at all, only his.

He sounds selfish:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/how-do-you-find-a-good-man.html

And this is how real gentlemen date:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html; February 10, 2013 at 10:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggi,
"He had been THINKING about ME. I must finally be starting to get under his skin!"

Yep. And you know why he's thinking about you? Because you haven't been making yourself available to him ;-) When you're constantly available to a man, they don't THINK about you, instead, they take you for granted and don't give much thought towards you at all.

"if your ever keen to come catch up again I would love too."

I still don't like that part. The part about YOU coming to HIM.

So I'd suggest the same response as the previous one I suggested. But this time, I'd elude to it, not state it flat out. I'd say something like, "Sure, we can catch up over dinner one night, I know a great place we can go down here. Gimmie' a call sometime."

And the message that sends is:

1) You're interested
2) The ball's in his court, he can either man up and take the offer or flake out and fail
3) You're signaling how you expect to be treated and the type of date you expect
4) He needs to come to you
5) He needs to take the lead and call you

If he flakes, he flakes. If he really wants to see you, he'll man up and do the right thing here.

Romance = Sex. If he wants his needs for sex fulfilled, he needs to fulfill your needs for romance first:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html

And he needs to be a gentlemen about it.; February 10, 2013 at 10:22 AM
Alana said...: @Saggi - I'm so glad that he got back in touch, must be so nice to get the control back and see MOA's advice working!!

>"This time more fun less wine lol"
so typical... LOL; February 10, 2013 at 10:39 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, thanks very much for your reply. Yes, I agree with everything, you are quite right.

I am here again because incidentally, I have just got a text from this man asking me to meet him because... well, because he would like to give me that damned Christmas present. I bet you are already laughing at this. Well, this time he seems to be more willing to adapt his time to mine, he even explains that due to his frequent travels out of the city - he is a boss of a building company - he finds it difficult to adjust a meeting to my requirements but he will do everything he can in this respect. He concludes that although I haven´t answered his previous texts he hopes that I will and we will meet again. He ends "See you later" - what confidence! (-:

Now I am not sure what to do. He sounds more apologetic than before. Shall I completely write him off? Or shall I succumb to the temptation to meet him in the way you adviced - be in a hurry, indifferent, take the present and run away just to make him feel a bit miserable? I am sure if I had oter options, I would never bother to think about him anymore but unfortunately, he has been the only man in MONTHS who I was able to communicate in a relatively normal way, all the others in my age category were complete jerks!
Thanks for your advice and sorry to bother you repeatedly. By the way, the fact that I wasn´t eager to contact him after his misbehaviour and express my disgust was due to the articles I read on this site. So obviously your advice has worked in my case, too. I only wish I had known all this many years earlier. But better late than never.
HopelessWithMen; February 10, 2013 at 11:50 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @SilentScream

Haha,so what happened to your one word guy?

@MOA

'LOL, in about another weeks or so, he may be forming complete sentences ;-)'

You think?

It's like even if I wanted to reply,WHAT do you reply to that?

He initiated with a big pompous ''darling'',as if he had something prepared to come out of him and was offended by my inaction and decided it's ''alright,bye''

Come on,kid.I get his frustration but that is just lazy; February 10, 2013 at 2:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeless With Men,
"Shall I completely write him off? Or shall I succumb to the temptation to meet him in the way you advised - be in a hurry, indifferent, take the present and run away just to make him feel a bit miserable?"

Well, this is where you need to take all that you've recently learned and discovered about the situation and make the right decision for yourself.

"I am sure if I had oter options, I would never bother to think about him anymore but unfortunately, he has been the only man in MONTHS who I was able to communicate in a relatively normal way, all the others in my age category were complete jerks!"

Well - that sounds like "settling" to me - because nothing better comes along. That's how women get themselves into horrible, miserable dating situations with men - settling. For crappy treatment and sub par men.

Keep in mind, you've tagged your name here as "hopeless with men." Why is that? Could it be because you settle for "less" when you deserve more?

Take some time to mull all of this over and then make the best decision for yourself.

Just some food for thought ;-); February 10, 2013 at 4:34 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you MOA...I will unblock him on the dating site, or actually I probably shouldn't do that maybe? Anyhow, initiating NC and synchronizing my calender lol. Besides, who wants a big, hairy big foot anyhow?? I have a kitty :).

xoxo,
Anonymous in SD; February 10, 2013 at 5:28 PM
virgochick said...: So Moa,

He texted me sat night, as its been usual random chit chat he said
"what's doing? x"
(me) "Going to bed, im tired"
"Im climbing into bed myself haha such a tiring weekend"
(me) "have a good sleep. nite"

Kinda blew it off, since he hasn't bothered to talk to me on the phone for months, and im really over the texting, but I am not picking up the phone lol.

10 mins later he writes
"How come you don't talk to me much anymore"
I thought, ok, we had a relationship, this isnt some random I dated, and I am going to prove the point on being mature and confront the issue.
(me)" We aren't in the same place anymore, for a long time. I don't know what you want from me anymore"
"Ok i understand, ill leave you alone then, good night"
(me)"no, dont put the guilt trip on me wont work. you avoid handling this like and adult and talking to me, its been 3 months. ive always supported you even through your tough times but this is enough. all i wanted was to be the person i was to you before, now you havent done anything to make me want that now. Im curious how you view all this?"

I got no reply. I went to sleep thinking this may be finally over, ive just had to say what I said without saying I miss him or love him how can you do this to me ra ra. I woke up starting to process it and move on then I got a text in the morning saying
"Im sorry, i fell asleep. I'll reply on my lunch break im off to wrk x"

I didnt respond because I thought, well, he stated he will do it, lets see how he shows up, plus I didnt want to show im eagerly waiting on a reply. He doesnt need my permission to man up.

Day came and went, nothing. Night went, nothing. Silly because I half expected it anyway. I am pretty angry but if he cannot step up to the plate then we have no chance. That was his cue to start redeeming himself and he didn't. So now, its definitely the NC. If he can really show me over time he wants to be with me ill reconsider it. But that last act was enough for now to show me he really cannot be bothered or accept this as his doing.

I just cannot understand, Its like HE brings it up by asking why I dont talk to him etc, I explain it because thats just who I am, then he doesn't follow through with explaining anything back? Is he seriously that absent minded to not even realise?; February 10, 2013 at 7:09 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,
Girl, you are right again.

Virgo sent me a text late this afternoon... just a sad face.

I responded with a "hi."

He said he was "afraid to respond" to me.

I told him I had things to do, but if he wanted to call in an hour, that would be cool.

He asked, "Are you sure."

I said, "I'm not sure of anything in life..."

He said, "Well call me when you are done."

(Nope) I responded, "Give me a call in an hour if you like." (I'm getting good ;)

I feel like we have to teach these guys how to be the man... and some of them will try to rise to the occasion.

We talked, and it was good. I'm not backing down. I am not settling. I have settled too many times in my life, and have not been truly happy. At 50, I am going for the whole fucking happy bag! No excuses and no band-aides. lol

We'll see. HUGS TO ALL! Don't give up, and take care of numero-uno, you deserve to be happy.

Thank you Ms. Mirror for being a life support for so many -- honest: life support!; February 10, 2013 at 7:30 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms, Mirror,

Oh yeah, I told him that his comment about me being a "quitter," really got to me and pissed me off.

Virgo said, "Good, I knew it would."

haha -- gotta let them win some of these... lol; February 10, 2013 at 7:35 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA@All the ladies

I found this among my old clippings,stuff i save away for inspiration.It made me think of myself and all of you.It's basically a pretty simple rule that applies to anything in life,yet in 2012 when I first came across it,I did not fully comprehend.Now,being on this blog,going through what I am going through,it just sank in.

" It won’t feel good at first to let go of what you’ve been OBSESSING about. But here's where 'the Secret is', and it's an old Jungian concept that is indeed a miracle. Now Carl Jung wouldn't call it that, but I will.You've got to hold the TENSION of the opposites, the pain of the situation and wait. You need to hang on the cross of your suffering and WAIT--simply holding the awareness that you can see no solution RIGHT NOW. But as you hang there feeling the impossibility of it all---and not trying to escape to a QUICK addiction or cheap shot solution, you will eventually see the appearance of "the sacred third." At first there seems to be no compromising point, but this new idea or solution or feeling will start to arise. And you'll start being able to sift through the muck and distill flickers of golden insights there. Use them to fuel your NEW actions and new life. Then you’ll be well on your way to understanding what the philosopher- alchemists knew---that what does not destroy you makes you stronger---and that NOTHING has the power to destroy your essence without YOUR consent. But the Secret is in the WAITING....
"; February 10, 2013 at 8:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoChic,
LOL, give him time to process it now. Let it simmer in his brain a bit. He may gather his composure and put his big boy pants on - or he may not, LOL.

Either way, you did we'll and communicated your point briefly and concise with no emotion.

He got the message..and no, he didn't fall asleep that night. As a matter of fact..I guarantee you he laid awake all night, unable to sleep ;-)

Let it simmer, he needs to "cook" a bit now LOL.; February 10, 2013 at 8:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
The souls journey...the path to enlightenment ;-); February 10, 2013 at 9:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
You got one "cookin" right now too..and he's feeling the heat, LOL. Don't taken him off until he's well done ;-)

Even though dating like this takes a bit more thought and work at times, isn't it much nicer this way, LOL? Having some control, feeling empowered and valuable, it's nice.

And the rewards are equally as nice when two finally become one - as respectful equals :-); February 10, 2013 at 9:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, and thanks for the effort you put into reading and answering the messages on this board..awesome.
"Actually, there is a good book out there for WOMEN, written by a man, a handsome self-proclaimed player by the name of Steve Santagati:" ...I think I will have to get this book.
Although, one thing I do know, is that if I am paying attention to how things are making me feel..(ie, feeling "not good enough"...worrying about "does he like me"...feeling off balance, annoyed and compromised) it is usually because I am compromising myself for someone else. I actually can't really blame him. He's being his usual, self entitled self and I don't have to play.
You are right by the way.."He's most likely a player of sorts that's used to getting his way with women and having them come to HIM."....yes, they do, I have seen it.
He sorted of came across in private to me as having some depth or something..but the plain facts are, he hangs out with musicians twenty years younger than him, chooses to hang in the most pretentious bar in town, and plays games with regard to messaging and text. He stayed over at my place on New Years Eve, and I have a sort of creepy feeling that when I text him a week later and he totally blew me off, that the blowing off was the bit he enjoyed. You know, the bit where he gets to act all in control and disinterested.
He's a Virgo, btw and Im Taurus.

Toro-Scorp girl.; February 11, 2013 at 12:54 AM
virgochick said...: Ok, took a turn.

He replied, basically saying that he has demons to counter before he can commit to someone and give them what they deserve. Went along with how I am special to him always but I may believe otherwise (sure do) but may not be the same for me. Reality hit him but he just cannot do it.

Big boy pants kind of came on. So I haven't replied. He sent me through HOOPS for 3 bloody months to finally tell me this. Totally raging, but I am now NC. He is deleted off my fb and that's that.

It's not the fact he has done it, yes it burns but more the fact he kept me lingering. Guess I always knew it would happen.

Thanks MOA :) Well I'll move on and ill be sticking around. Wont be dating for some time obviously lol.; February 11, 2013 at 6:04 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @MOA

This is gonna sound random BUT how was the sex with your Sag?

When we first kissed,it was the best kiss I'd ever had with a complete stranger.There were electric shocks going in and out of me.Yet it felt natural.Pretty darn amazing for a first time kiss.It normally is so awkward.; February 11, 2013 at 6:06 AM
Anonymous said...: @MOA
After the supermarket-bushes-sighting there has been no further trace of Big Foot. I am sure he just got lost on the parking lot. What do you think, should I text him the GPS coordinates of my ivory tower?! LOVL... thanks for sharing my sense of humor MOA. Your blog is very empowering, and more importantly it helps me to get a sense of direction, because let's face it, dating and the start of a relationship can get pretty confusing and it's great to be able to file behaviors and events away in the proper file. And it's truly amazing how many commonalities there are in all our stories, regardless of our insistence that there are differences. We all have a problem with putting our foot down - somewhere inside of me I am scared that I'd be turning this prince off if I am not home when he shows up at my door with this golden slipper. If he comes at all... Maybe I should tell him that was me, at that ball? And tell him my size & where I live? Maybe with a Google map and directions. And text him a picture of the other shoe, just in case he gets confused as to which one I am referring to? Ah MOA... your blog has helped me a great deal in finding self-love and self-humor, in the sense that I humor myself when I start getting hung up on a guy. Every time I find myself wanting to lend him a hand in any way whatsoever I stop and picture myself in a princess-dress texting my coordinates to Big Foot, and then I laugh and shake it off. Thanks MOA!; February 11, 2013 at 7:36 AM
Peter said...: @MOA and ladies

"Having some control, feeling empowered and valuable, it's nice"

Perfectly right here ladies. The first thing you need to do before you ever let any man in your life is protect yourself. Look after your own intrests and guard your confidence.Protect your self esteem and your value as a women. Stand tall, smile while you do it. Any real man will see your value and do the right thing.

I tell you from what I see of guys these days there wont be that many there to protect it for you. Those kind of principles just don't mean the same to quite a few men these days. You can see that by all of your comments here. They don't respect you, they don't want to earn your respect and they don't want to court you. Those guys a fewer as time goes on. I've seen this in my male friends, their friends and men around SOME parts of my working life.

Take control and stand firm about it ladies. The perfect example you need here is infront of you in MOA. Please don't take this as if putting anyone on a pedestal because I'm not that type. However I can tell you an honest view.

After many talks with her and reading her story from bits of comments here I have to say this lady has nothing but my complete respect.As far as I'm concerned earning that level of respect from her would be something well worth working for.

I just want to say its good to see all of you ladies commenting about how you're now using things like NC to take control. To be honest I think you all can and should remove those men that won't work for your respect....let alone work your romantic interest. After all thats what they show here right? even if these guys don't want a relationship there is a respectful way to handle towards a women and they do the same goes.

Keep up the good work ladies, stay strong and beat those guys away...smile while you do it. let the real men find you and step up. ;-)

See all you ladies in a day or so this mans got some stepping up of his own to do ;-); February 11, 2013 at 8:13 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 10, 12:54AM,
"if I am paying attention to how things are making me feel..(ie, feeling "not good enough"...worrying about "does he like me"...feeling off balance, annoyed and compromised) it is usually because I am compromising myself for someone else. . .He's being his usual, self entitled self and I don't have to play."

Very true and most times, men that don't know the first thing about making a woman happy and don't care to - aren't worth it.

"You know, the bit where he gets to act all in control and disinterested."

He sounds insecure and very immature. Interestingly enough, there's about to be a piece published here, most likely later today, written by a MAN (a member of this community here ;-) - on this very topic.

It's incredibly insightful - so stay tuned ;-); February 11, 2013 at 8:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoChick,
Well, at least now you know - and now HE knows, he's somewhat of a failure as a man ". .before he can commit to someone and give them what they deserve."

He can't make a woman happy, he knows this and he's admitted it.

Move forward, don't look back.; February 11, 2013 at 8:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sista' Taurus,
Well, all I can say is - my experience was nothing like yours LOL.; February 11, 2013 at 8:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb. 11, 7:36PM,
"Every time I find myself wanting to lend him a hand in any way whatsoever I stop and picture myself in a princess-dress texting my coordinates to Big Foot, and then I laugh and shake it off."

If you have to give a man directions and a manual on how to actually be a man - it's not worth it, LOL.

And laughing about it is much healthier than crying over it. I don't mean to downplay men in a malicious way when I say this, but - men are just men. I mean, it's just a guy. Yea, he's a little special in some ways but, he's not making you happy.

And that's the reason we date people, men and women both - because they make US feel good about OURSELVES. Both men and women, it's reciprocal.

But these days, there are more "takers" than "givers" out there it seems. And no one wants to spend time with someone that makes them feel crappy about themselves - man or woman.

Let's face it, if these men we speak of here were not made to feel special by all of the ladies here - they'd walk. In a heartbeat. They wouldn't think twice about it, they'd just walk.

So I say - simply do the same. If a man can't make you happy and instead he makes you feel crappy and question yourself . . NEXT, LOL.; February 11, 2013 at 8:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Peter,
Thank you :-)

"Even if these guys don't want a relationship there is a respectful way to handle towards a women and they do the same goes."

Absolutely correct. You see, a lot of what we discuss here isn't for ALL men - we're talking about certain types of men here. Most of our discussions actually revolve around insecure, immature, men. Not real men, but man boys.

There are real men out there ladies. And real men know how to conduct themselves in respectful ways with women - even if things don't work out.

In many of the cases we discuss here - respect is missing.

Me personally, I have a "zero tolerance" policy with disrespect. You can play the game to win, it does work at times. But it will only work with men who are genuinely interested and are willing to look at, and work, on themselves a bit. If that's lacking within them, it's best to just walk away.

Because if you hang onto a disrespectful man, you're not making room for a respectful one to come into your life.

And a lot of what I say here really isn't about winning the man - so much as it's about learning to look out for yourself and avoid being run over and left for dead by one.

If you keep only respectful men in your life, whether it works out or not, you'll never be run over and left for dead.

Because respectful gentlemen do NOT leave roadkill in their wake ;-); February 11, 2013 at 8:53 AM
SilentScream said...: @Sista'Taurus

You can get a sense of my story when I first posted on January 14, 2013 @ 4:08PM. I was just Anonymous at that time.

So your question...what happened to my one-word guy. Well...nothing. Sigh. It seems like every few weeks he would check in with a one-word text to see if I'm out there. I met him online and I know he's still active on there. I, on the other hand, is completely off of it...not really not my cup of tea and plus, just need a break. Anyway, I still like him...but what can ya do, right? You can't make a person chase you and even if you can, it won't be a meaningful and a happy relationship. I think I've done enough of initiating. The ball is in his court now. I must say though, that is tough to deal with because he haven't deleted him from my FB yet. LOL. Back a couple of weeks ago, I posed this question on here to MOA and her response was that if this guy just didn't treated me right and didn't outright rejected me or said he doesn't want me in his life, then it's ok to just keep him around (on FB), instead of deleting him..and that is what I've done. Maybe it'll get to a point where it's going nowhere and I'll end up deleting him anyways. Haha.

But the thing is I want the power back again..I want to have some control and feel empowered and valuable in this. So to do this, I'm initiating NC...and I'm just going to be myself. I've realized that it is so true that the guys that you aren't interested in are the ones who keep coming after you and ringing your phone off the hook! So with that, I must be doing something "right" with the guys that I don't show interest in....or maybe guys do like the "bitches" more. Sigh. Well, at this point, I don't know if my one-word guy will come around again...I hear most do....and so I'm just going to continue NC and see where it goes. Sigh.

Good luck to you and all the ladies on here!; February 11, 2013 at 2:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Just wanted to give a heads up to all the women here in this thread that are dealing with insecure, emotionally immature men.

Peter, a male that has been a valuable member to this community, just contributed this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/modern-man-power-failure-to-earn.html

And I would STRONGLY advise every woman here to read it. It's an explanation for the difference between a gentleman and a man child.

Regretfully, we don't get the opportunity to talk a lot about gentlemen here very often, but we're all very familiar with the "man child" LOL ;-); February 11, 2013 at 5:31 PM
virgochick said...: SilentScream
Just deleted mine off fb and I've been wanting to do it for so long and just couldn't bring myself to do it. Yeah it's a bit different, but honestly, keeping him on there sent me nuts. I'd have to see what he is up to all the time, he could see what I am doing...I dunno, to get over it I guess thats the best way. I feel liberated that I am not seeing it, and he got no idea what I am doing

GOSH this has only been one day LOL. It's helping me start to forget him not being there. Somehow damn facebook just knew and constantly put him in my newsfeed. Id see what he is doing and get all upset. UGH. Torture.

Goodluck; February 12, 2013 at 3:02 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @SilentScream

Hey,thank you for replying.

I went back and re-read your story and it is quite similar to mine,except that my guy(after the sex),kept incessantly texting and calling and just remained his attentive,sweet self.I was the one that started changing and looking for buttons to push,nagging and being all over the place(so not like me) but hey..i blame it on the sex.It wasn't even that mind-blowing,we did have an outrageously natural flow though.But women stop thinking clearly after sex,so I allowed myself to fall in that statistic.Go fucking figure :)

I initiated NC because I wanted to go clear my head before I made any more a fool out of myself.Needless to say,I missed him and initiated contact a week later.He was pissed but agreed to it.Then,however,he acted distant,for a few days(as if punishing me and mirroring my behaviour) so I did NC on his ass again and exactly 7 days later he reappeared with the one word text ''darling''.5 hours later another one ''alright,bye then wink''LOL=frustration,wounded pride whatever.That was Sunday.

I keep at my NC for as long as necessary for me to feel BLISSFUL again and for him to man up and make a full sentence attempt.Put the big boy pants on.I know he can.Any man can,when they want to.

But I'll tell you,on my behalf,I've been feeling pretty great for a week now.I'm busy with my life and I'm busy with myself,learning,becoming more aware,educating myself on these ''men'' a bit.And this is the GIFT.You take all the focus off them and put it on YOURSELF.It'll all pretty much click together from then on.

On his behalf,I imagine he's boiling and tossing around in his little boy knickers,wondering what and when he did something wrong.Well let him figure that one out on his own and miss me in the meanwhile,because I'm definitely more than worth it.And you are too :)

Just like MOA said:'No man will forget about you'.Really,no man.

So,I know it's hard at times,but hold on to yourself,do not fall apart,do not act impulsively.You are now on his mind and let that make you smile.Do not wait and do not have expectations,you keep yourself busy and invest in a better YOU.He'll catch up or be just a casualty in your book.Who needs that anyway?

What sign are you btw?I'm Taurus cusp Aries(literally april 20),with loads of Gemini.The guy is Scorpio cusp SAG with loads of Capricorn and Cancer.I think this is an obvious case of opposition at its finest,lol.

You are strong and beautiful,keep at it!; February 12, 2013 at 6:09 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @Ms Mirror,
I started reading The Manual last nite... F! F! F!
That's Scorpio... F!
:(
All I want to do is swear!; February 12, 2013 at 7:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
LOL, I think I have a love/hate relationship with the author of that book. He's handsome and attractive and he's dished great insights (love), but he's still somewhat of a caveman at heart, although reformed in a sense, and he's got a view on women that really rubs me the wrong way (hate).

I've seen him in several interviews on television before and when he talks about women, I just want to punch him in his face, LOL.

But like I said, as much as I'm on the fence about that guy as a man . . . he's dished some great insights for women.

I like the story he shared about the "black widow" - the woman that proved to be his match and the one that actually tossed him for once, LOL ;-); February 12, 2013 at 8:50 AM
Anonymous said...: This is an awesome forum and I have benefited so much from all your collective experiences and wisdom. Thank you! I have a question for you Mirror...I am a Scorpio woman (cusp Scorp- Sag) and the man is Aquarius (cusp Aqua-Pisces)...all that you have discussed here about blowing hot and cold is like my own memoir. I have known this guy for about 4 months...its a long distance association..he was intro-ed to me through a common friend. So..we went out a couple of times...hit it off beautifully...kissed a few...all good. Then a few nice messaging sessions...very loving on my birthday which happened to fall right then...but he was always distant...wouldn't sms back immediately etc. Then I saw a pattern..only I was initiating the contacts...all via messaging btw..very few calls. he would reply...sometimes nicely sometimes like he was pre occupied..anyway..i suddenly saw that I don't like this. So I dropped off radar. :) and he reached out on day 6 of me dropping off..( i replied the next day..just a simple answer) then he resurfaced again 6 days later..i haven't replied. then he wrote again..i haven't replied.Now..what do you think of this? He is Aqua so he is detached anyway..can you draw any inferences from this? It's been 15 days now with 3 contacts initiated by him and one reply from me.; February 12, 2013 at 12:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror:

I was cracking up with "I've written a 9 page email before. Yes, 9 pages of nothing but fury and emotion - to the one man that was a gentlemen, LOL." And.. "After I sent it, he wrote me back and said something like, "I'm going to have to read this tonight, I printed it off and it's 9 pages long. It's a book. I'll get back to you." That was hilarious and about the boog-foot sitings, as well. I sure have enjoyed this site and wanted to share this with you all...
I don't really look at my horoscope, but this happened to show up on my Yahoo page and I was so intrigued as I actually have felt this the last few months, "in the universe", so to speak and then read this today: Your love life is finally getting a much-needed rebirth after enduring the heavy hand of Saturn since late 2009. The law of karma brought many painful lessons home, and you're ready for a return to love. If you experienced crazy amounts of insecurity over the past year, you can also bid that farewell. Enough of the tears and heartbreak from giving too much to people who could not return your sweetness and light. Now that you're clear about boundaries and refuse to lose yourself in codependent patterns, you can get on with establishing the kind of relationship that is healthy instead of detrimental to your health.
Isn't that read awesome? And as stated, I "really feel it" too. Also, date #3 is tonight. He has already made me a friend on FB, sent me numerous texts and 3 emails, since I've talked to him Friday (he had to cancel because he was sick). One of the emails was definitely sexual in nature (a joke)and I sighed and just thought: Why do men get so weird on (or after) the third date? Like its their mating rite to start getting sexual? GEEZ-US, I thought. So, I just completely ignored it.
Anyway, got this text today: Hope you've had a nice day.. After thinking about it, I want to apologize for sending you that off color email joke. At the time I sent it, it seemed innocent and harmless, but the more I thought about it the more I wish I hadn't pressed the send tab. It was inappropriate for the amount of time which we have known each other and I just want to say, " I'm sorry!" Please accept my apology. See you tonight.
I told him, "No worries, men are men". And he replied, "Yes, but I've always strived to be noticeably different than most. But a man's stupidity often precedes his better judgement". WOW... I think he's a gem.
THANKS MIRROR!! Love you guys!
Lonnie; February 12, 2013 at 5:16 PM

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