Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Psyche,
Well honey, you're taking on some masculine energy here by becoming the pursuer. Men hunt (pursue), women submit. It's been that way since the dawn of time.

You can't make a man love you or want to be in a relationship with you. They have to WANT the same things.

And when women try harder to convince a man to do this, the man removes himself even further from her.

If someone runs at you and jumps in your face, you're natural reaction is to take two steps back. But if someone comes up to you, taps you on the shoulder and then runs from you, you're natural reaction is to pursue them.

I don't think this situation with him is going to go anywhere. I'd stop communicating with him before he does something ridiculous to get back at you. Like posting things on Facebook as he's already insinuated. DO NOT send that man ANY photos of yourself or you're going to see them somewhere with something ignorant or embarrassing written next to them.

And I know it's hard, but try to distract yourself when you feel that you're about to act on your emotions or act on impulse. If you think that's about to happen, get up and go jump in the shower or soak in the tub or make dinner or watch a movie - do something, anything to distract you until those feelings pass.

I think it's too late to turn things around here. The only thing left to try at this point is "no contact":

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html; January 7, 2013 at 5:38 PM
Anonymous said...: To MIRROR,

I've been dumped and initiated contact every time after the break up and even with the guys I dumped I initiated contact afterwards. I feel such a jackass now.

I turned 39 in December, I feel like I'm never going to find a husband and I wonder if I should just start to accept that fact. London, UK can be a lonely place.

If I'm honest, I'm young looking with a pretty face, degree, nice person, funny, not too nice but am I nice enough personality wise - errr, I think so but I'm not sure, slim-ish, have no more psychological issues, they are all ironed out now. But been single for seven months and it's taking it's toll on me. Had three dates these past seven months and all were non starters.

I don't want to be another statistic of a woman who doesn't marry over 40 (most women who do marry over seem to be divorces, not spinsters). It's so hard, it really is. Men judge me on my age and probably think I'm too old to pop one out when they're ready. I don't particularly fancy older guys either really and I know male friends my age or 33 upwards want someone younger than me as they've kinda admitted it to me.

Thing with age is, I can't change it. It's not like you can change your hair, body, makeup, clothes....no all that part of me is cool it's just my age which I can not change. Women have it biologically unfair, they really do, if they don't get hitched young.

I wish I'd used No Contact before but I didn't know about it's power until last week. More years wasted for my ignorance and lack of knowledge and awareness. I only learnt about the power of men chasing me and me not contacting them at all aged 34! Yeah, boy that's made a difference and they were all over me (a better start! and great to be treated so well), sadly the relationships did not last forever though. I do feel now that my internal issues are fixed as of 2012, which is a positive, but it's massively outweighed by a negative of my age as I now feel great pain and sadness I may never find true long lasting love and marriage.

I wanna get married to a man I love, and who loves me so much. That's my biggest dream just seems like an unrealistic one. I hate my life being single, it's so much hard work even trying to go out alot and be out and about meeting new people, as most my friends are hitched, living with their partners, got kids, I am trying to find new friends, sheesh. I feel like an outcast socially 'what's wrong with you, I mean, look at you, why aren't you married?' the men ask me. I feel such a dick. I've no idea how to answer that question.

If I'd known how important the NC rule was 10 years ago or the importance of trying to get married more seriously....but I can't get those years back. Makes me very depressed. Sorry, but this is the truth of what I really feel inside. I'm sure many other women feel what I am feeling and they also try to cover it up in public.

My age is becoming the biggest issue for me in my mindset in realising my dream of marriage. It really really is. Yes I had three long-ish relationships since 35 and all nearly led to marriage but now I'm like, shit, they haven't though in reality and now I'm 39. Fuck. I feel like a loser. Well I am a loser in love, if I look at it factually. I've not won. I've not been the leading lady, just the girl who looks on at everyone else's lives moving on on Facebook.

(Cont); January 7, 2013 at 7:26 PM
Anonymous said...: to MIRROR
PART 2

At work I feel a jackass....again, everyone younger than me marrying....except men my age who don't always. I feel embarressed like it is even affecting my career progression. Seems when people marry, they get promoted soon after and do better in their careers. I'm not surprised why as they've got all that lovely support and are giving to their spouse. The other single women my age, are frankly weird in a way and have no clue with men.....like they are always single....whereas I am not, it's just longevity I have screwed up with. I say 'just' - longevity is a big deal of course as that's what screwing things up. But you get me, in that I'm not a woman who has zero clue. My age is definitely a barrier in my thinking of my chances of success and reality of what men think. Unless I go for a 60 year old fat bald guy. (no thanks...see even I'm ageist too! but seriously, a first marriage with a guy that old and he's my best chance? What cruel card has life dealt me to think that and know it'd heighten my chances)

Men also always ask me my age on a date. That bugs me too. I used to say 30s....then I'd tell them later like on date 3 after they were besotted with me and it'd be cool. But to say 39 on date 1, I'm thinking they will never return, but I wonder if I should to be upfront from now on about my age if they ask but I'm not sure it's a good idea before they're hooked in. Not sure what you think Mirror with your venus led heart of gold.

Please don't sugarcoat your answer to me Mirror (If you've time to reply) - as factually I'm right aren't I, that my chances are very low. Especially given I'm not even dating anyone at all right now so starting afresh.

Much love for the work you do in helping ladies hearts and also helping these ladies on your site to try to secure their future stability in a real committed loving relationship.; January 7, 2013 at 7:28 PM
Anonymous said...: This thread is so true.. I don't like playing games but looks like I might have to go for an all-out war ..

I was starting to become romantically involved with a libra man and yes they are heaps of fun and caring and sensitive (at times)
As a Virgo, I open up and be as caring as I can be with him.. Funny thing is he started to pull back.. Gullible or silly me, I chose to neglect the tell tale signs because of his sweet words .. "aren't we all?"
Things started to escalate when he just disappeared for a few weeks because of his profession.. Not happy but I tried to be understanding..
I also made it clear to him that I'm seeing another guy ATM but he insisted that I have spoiled him too much compared to the other.. And this is true to bits but oh... It's so hard to get away from those charms ...

I made a comment about his disappearing acts and he's tried to be more available since then.. Both by calls and SMS-es
Till last night when he suddenly dropped the bomb on me..
Work is stressing him out and he doesn't like the fact that I'm seeing another guy as well.. Though nothing is concrete with my libra man too
He said he wants my undivided attention and he's gonna be away for a bit....
His profession is the one that prevents us from moving forward but there's nothing he can do about that at this stage he said ..

When I asked if this is goodbye, he only said " if you want it to be that way"
Funny thing is then he also said that I can always reach him by emails or phones
Then later on last night, I got a text from him saying that he's blaming himself and that he's been lying to me all this while and that it's best for me to forget him tho he would not forget me - however, all the facts that he's told me seems to add up and i feel that his last SMS was just a way for him to detach himself emotionally from me temporarily till he put his life back on track..

I was very sad till I read this thread and now I'm more annoyed and determined to beat him at his own game ..
I just hope that he'll contact me back

Am I on denial in this..? Please help?; January 8, 2013 at 12:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan.7, 7:26PM,
Lordy be sweetie, stop this right now, LOL. You're wearing your age like some sort of scarlet letter. And what's happening is, that's the energy that you're exuding to these men. You're speech and body language and energy being emitted are saying, "I'm too old to find happiness." And that's simply just not true.

And I have factual stories to prove that love happens at any age. I know two women, they're much older than me and they're mentors and inspirations of sorts. One is a divorcee and one has never been married. They're both 69 years old. One met a man about 8 years ago, at the age of 61, and they've been in love and living with one another since.

The other met a man about 4 years ago, at the age of 65, and they're now in a happy relationship.

I have a girlfriend that's 45 and she met a man 3 years ago, at 41, and they've been involved ever since.

Love knows no age, my dear. You simply have to be open to it when it comes along. And you have to rid yourself of this "old" thinking in order for it to come along.

I've dated men 8 years younger than myself. It's not true that young men want young women. These days, many young men think older women are hot. It's a fresh, new, exciting experience for them. And it can work, as long as that age difference isn't generational - which to me, is anyone 13+ years younger than you.

And when a guys says something like this, "Why aren't you married?" You confidently respond with, "Because I haven't met the right one yet." And that's it. There's nothing else to say. You tell these men right up front your age and you say it proudly. If they retreat, they're immature and shallow is all.

Additionally, I'd like to suggest that you open yourself up to older men. Men up to the age of 49. I know many, many men in their 40's that look great and think young. And they're looking for good, mature, confident women to settle down with. And I think that you're thinking and the way you look at age is blocking you from some potentially wonderful experiences with older men.

There's a woman here commenting in this thread, Gemini 50. And I believe this is a woman in her 50's - and she's here asking questions about men and she's out actively dating (Gemini 50, please feel free to chime in here if you read this and lend some support.)

I think you need to stop worrying about marriage and start opening yourself up to love. First comes love, then comes marriage . . ;-); January 8, 2013 at 8:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Anonymous Jan. 8, 12:33AM,
Well, I think you're missing the big picture here, the real message from him. And that was - he's asking you for a commitment. And after he did so, he backtracked and kinda took it back because he got insecure. He realized he asked for a commitment and he feared you'd chose the other man over him.

So this is it, sweetie. This is what every girl here wants from a man - their attention and a commitment from them.

The choice is yours - commit to him or risk losing him.

He's detaching because he's developing feelings for you that he feels you're not returning to him. So he's protecting himself is all.; January 8, 2013 at 8:47 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Moa, I posted to you a while ago about this guy I dated for a month and then he faded himself out. I never got ignored (because I didn't actually iniate contact) but that's besides the point. After a month of dating he just stopped asking me out and slowly didn't hear from him. Until about a month later, where he suddenly pops up saying he knows things faded but he just wants to see how I'm doing. That was two days ago - I have not replied. You said at that point that something or someone else distracted him (there was no s** involved, and it was five/six dates over the month period). Should I even bother replying to this guy or wait to see if he tries contacting me again? Because things were'nt so serious I'm bit confused myself - I did like him, a lot, but the gap has put me off big time. Should I give it a chance and reply to him and see what happens or leave it completely if this is certain indication that he is not good bf material?!, what is your experience with these situations?! Throughout dating he was perfectly fine, so he didn't do anything bad until his immature fading out. Thanks!; January 8, 2013 at 12:19 PM
Alana said...: Hi MOA,

Sorry to bug you about this, but I think there's a lot of your pearls of wisdom in your comments so I'm hoping to subscribe to your comments RSS - but I think it's broken (at least it is in Google Chrome)? Do you think you could look into that?

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/feeds/comments/default

Thank you!

Alana; January 8, 2013 at 1:13 PM
Anonymous said...: To Mirror,
From @Anonymous Jan.7, 7:26PM,

Hey, thanks for your reply Mirror. I will give the following a go. This will be a big change for me as I've been avoiding saying my age for years the first time people ask me, but I will give it a go as it has become an issue with their probing!:
- Say my age proudly if they ask (the response will likely be, wow, I thought you were late 20s or 30 ish!) and then not mention anything further.
- Tell them I've just not met the right one yet, if they ask why I'm not married at the moment.
- If they say: why haven't you got a boyfriend? I may say: well there is always an in-between bit between relationships, isn't there?!

The three dates I've been on....I didn't like any of the guys anyway.....kept comparing them to my ex as well. Hopefully in time someone as wonderful in their own way, will find me.

I will open things up to guys up to 49. Although that is pretty old for a first time marriage (mine)....I want a man with a high sex drive! I'm sure some in their 40s have one. Although nothing compares to a man in his 20s. My ex in his 20s was so hot he used to you know what and then just keep going!!

Seriously though, I will keep the options open....meaning I'm looking 27 minimum up to 49 (or maybe older).

What shall I say if they say (which they do): do you want kids?

I was thinking this as a response: Whatever happens.

Yeah I realise I could be finding love easily in my 50s and 60s.....as that's when widows are about....but I am hoping to find true love in 2013 aged 39 my Mirror LOL!

Thanks for your time and energy. I love reading your work, and I like your phraseology 'is all' - I've not heard that phrase over here in this country. Me likey. I might adopt it!; January 8, 2013 at 3:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Alana,
Yea, I see that and I've done some research. The comments feed here displays properly in IE. So it's not the feed, it's a Google/Chrome issue. And after looking into it, there are many complaining that feeds don't render well in Chrome. And many think the reason for that is due to the fact that Google would rather have you view feeds in feed readers, rather than right on the site or browser.

You can view the feed in IE, but in Chrome, it comes through in script format. So what I think needs to be done with Chrome users is:

Go to the feed page: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/feeds/comments/default

Follow these Google instructions to view the feed in a reader of your choice:

http://dev.chromium.org/user-experience/feed-subscriptions

It says, "This document describes how Chrome will enable users to subscribe to RSS/Atom feeds in the feed reader of their choice. It does not cover any feed reading capability in Chrome itself."

I gather there may not be feed reading capabilities for all feeds direct in the Chrome browser.

And before doing the above, I gather it may be necessary for Chrome users to download an RSS Subscription Extention to view feeds:

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/rss-subscription-extensio/nlbjncdgjeocebhnmkbbbdekmmmcbfjd; January 8, 2013 at 6:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 8, 12:19PM,
Well this part is up to you. If you'd like, reply back (after a couple days). If he ignores you after that, he's a jerk and he knows you're onto his little disappear/reappear game.

Or you can attempt to sniff out how genuinely interested he is before you waste your time by not responding and waiting to see if he contacts you again and makes another attempt.; January 8, 2013 at 6:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror, Gemini 50 here;

Poor Anonymous 39 is scaring herself silly. Your advice is right on.

No matter what age we are, if we learn something new that’s good (and this blog is good), we need to celebrate it. And if we aren’t learning, we are dead.

Although I want to kick my own ass for not knowing about the disappearing/reappearing male syndrome and the NC rule before losing it with Scorpio (oh, how I miss him) ;), I do believe everything happens for a reason, and maybe the sequence was intentional by fate.

So, maybe, Anonymous 39, the men you were with were not meant to be your life partner… but have helped lead you to him.

My mom is English and I spent some of my childhood in England. Some of what I hear from Anonymous 39’s angst reminds me of my mother and Nan: my sister and I knew you were not a “complete woman” unless you were a mother. I had my first child at 19, and guess what? I was accepted into their f’n club at that age when my sister, who never had kids, still has not been given that entry (at age 53). It’s bs.

At 49 I realized, after I recovered from another man’s bs, that I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me. I know who I am and how I try to live my life. If anyone else is judging me, or trying to fit me into their image of what they think I am, or who they think I should be, I don’t care.

I understand how it sucks to be single when everyone else is married and “happy.” I was a single mom in my 20’s for 8 yrs, feeling like such a loser with others because I was raising my kids alone, working my ass off to exhaustion, not being the mother I wanted to be, and didn’t have a man who loved me. I carried around so much f'n shame! Now, I am a 50-yr old woman with wonderful relationships with my two adult children and one amazing granddaughter. I still work my ass off to pay the bills and fix the sink and take the trash out, etc. when I see many people at work who are “happily” married.

But guess what? I found out later in life that in my 20’s most of those “other” people were not thinking poorly of me – the men respected me (or wanted to f me because they thought I'd be 'easy') and the women either respected me or were jealous. Just last month, I had to confront a 43-yr old married guy in another dept regarding a text he sent me at 8PM. When I told him it was not cool, he acted like it was MY problem… I told him he should check with his wife to see if it was MY problem… (see, Mirror, I am kick-ass at work -- just haven’t known how to apply it in personal life).

Anonymous 39, regarding all those “happy” couples you mention, if they are truly happy, good for them and be happy for them. But you would be surprised how many are not happy. Don’t believe anything you see on Facebook. Some people have to tell others how happy they are to convince themselves.

continued...; January 8, 2013 at 6:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Gemini 50 cont for Anonymous 39

My advice is:
- don’t pigeon hole yourself on the type of man you are looking for. Yes, we all have our deal breakers, but you mention not liking older men… it’s not age or money or job or looks that makes a man, IT'S THE MAN THAT MAKES THE MAN. (mmm… did I mention I miss Scorpio?) ;)
- no married men – EVER! Don’t do that to another woman.
- live your life to be happy, and happiness will find you. I know it’s not easy. Sometimes it fucking SUCKS! Sometimes the loneliness is so damn dark and lonely. And sometimes I cry, and sometimes I feel sorry for myself, and sometimes I miss a man’s arms around me making me feel loved and safe at night (if for only a night)… but when you feel like shit, know that everyone feels like shit sometimes… it’s part of life. It’s your life telling you that something needs to change. And if you don’t know how to change it yet, then just let it be, take a break, but don’t beat yourself up over it.

I think everyone should try the following when they question whether they will ever be happy again: The next time you are grocery shopping and using a cart to carry it to your car, be a kid. Push that damn cart and jump on it and ride it through the parking lot (making sure you are safe from cars). I do this every time I get the chance. I’m 50 -- but up on that cart my heart and soul feels 9!

And you know what it’s like to be 9? – even for 5 seconds? A 9 yr old has a little bit of an idea about the world, but the world still has no boundaries, and neither do you.

Don’t allow other people’s thinking or judgments of what is supposed to happen at certain ages determine your life choices or your happiness. So what if you haven’t been married by the time you are 40 or 45. If you get there single and want a child/family, there are ways to become a mom -- there are no boundaries.

BTW, do you know how many men your age would love to get to know you because you don’t have kids from a previous marriage (that they won’t have to worry about?) That’s a HUGE plus!

And about your younger male friends that are telling you they prefer younger women… I bet they (and their friends) secretly have crushes on you, but are afraid to tell you.

So, let the age thing go. Take each day at a time. Smile at people!!! This is huge because women don’t do it enough… and when a woman smiles, it tells a man she is approachable…. Not a gross, CFM smile, just an acknowledgement that we are just people trying to make it in this world.

I don’t believe our goal in life is to reach a certain life milestone or wage or position; but rather our journey is bringing us to a certain level of grace where we find our true selves, are good to others and have loving people in our lives who support us and us them in our search for true happiness and acceptance.

At least that’s where I’m heading…. I will probably hit more bumps and road blocks and assholes and players along the way, but after a hell of a life of struggles and heartache as well as tons of joy and love, I’m putting my efforts into happiness, wherever it leads me.

Keep giving us more Ms. Mirror! I love your insight – I think you are amazing!

p.s. Guess who is back? 60-yr old Virgo guy. Three texts last nite (that I ignored, thanks to you) and emailing me today to talk to him. We work for the same company, so he can see me online at work. I responded to him today, but not giving him any leeway; he’s like a sick little puppy dog. Unfortunately for him, he can’t bs me anymore.

(Did I mention I reaaaaallly miss Scorpio????) lol

Hugs to all!; January 8, 2013 at 6:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan.7, 7:26PM,
Honey, I don't want to spill the beans here, but let's just say I'm no spring chicken, I'm not in my 20's - nor am I entitled to the senior citizens discount, LOL. I just got carded to buy alcohol recently (they thought I was under 21) and I was like, "WOOOHOOO! I got carded" LOL.

I, too, am often told I look years younger than I am and when they say, "wow, I thought you were late 20s or 30 ish" I say, "Thank you!"

And when they ask why I'm single, I say, "I haven't met the right one yet" which is the truth - single, no boyfriend, no husband. Well, there's an ex one floating around out there somewhere and hopefully, he's out to sea by now, LOL.

And when they ask about children, I say, "If God wants me to have one, then I imagine he'll see to it that I get pregnant and do just that."

You need to realize that men probe with these sorts of questions to gauge whether or not the woman has an insecurities over those issues.

You could always retort and ask them:

"So why don't you have a girlfriend?"
"Why aren't you married?"
"Why don't you have children?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"Why are you bald?"
"Why do you look like you're 9 months pregnant?"
"Why do you drive a bicycle and not a car?"
"Why do you live in your parents basement?"
"Why did your girlfriend dump you"
"Why did your wife leave you?"
"Why don't your kids speak to you?"

LOL!! Get what I'm saying?

Men ask these types of questions to try to find out what your insecurities are. They really don't care about the answers or those issues - they're digging for your weak spots.

So don't show them that you have any ;-); January 8, 2013 at 6:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Thanks for returning and lending your support to @Anonymous Jan.7, 7:26PM.

And I agree, those young men attempting to make her self-conscious of her age - are only doing that so that they can convince her to sleep with THEM, LOL! They think, "Hmm, if I make her feel like the situation is hopeless, she'll think she has not other options and she'll sleep with me."

That's why many men downgrade women and say things like, "You're fat" or "I'm not attracted to you." They don't think you're fat and they know you're attractive - they just don't want YOU to think that - because you'll realize you can do better than them and you'll leave them, LOL.

That's how men keep women under their thumb.

And Gemini, if Virgo resurfaced, it's only a matter of time before Scorpio comes a knockin' too ;-); January 8, 2013 at 6:49 PM
Anonymous said...: @Helen

"DID you initiate contact with the guys who dumped you? (the ones who never came back) I figure that might also have something to do with it."

Great question! I never thought about that.

Dumper #1 dumped me due to long distance (an Aries - *rolls eyes*), I did not initiate contact with him. However, I did stalk his e-mail (he gave me his password earlier), and found out he was chatting up young girls soon after (18-19 yrs old, while he was ~36). Ugh. They move on fast.

That helped me NC, but it didn't pull him back to me. A year later, we became Facebook friends and I initiated a message to see what he was up to. He told me about this clingy woman he broke up with, and he never asked me how I was, so I never bothered to respond.

Dumper #2 (Pisces/Aries cusp) - I did pursue him after the dump, but I think even if I didn't, he wouldn't have come back to reconcile (perhaps just as friends).

He met a woman shortly after our breakup. My well-intentioned guy friend suggested I keep talking to my ex, to maintain a "friendship", so when things fizzle out with the woman (she was just visiting on a trip), I could swoop back in.

He's actually still with this woman, still in a long-distance with her, and it's been 6+ years!

So in my case, the first guy, he didn't come back even when I NC'ed him for a year. And the second guy, perhaps he would have come back had I not pursued him, but I doubt it would be to reconcile.

I'd never re-date either guy, though.

"Seems if a girl gets dumped there is less chance of a reconciliation, UNLESS you fall off the side of the earth. hmmmm. Seems the best thing to do ladies, is to FALL OFF THE SIDE OF THE EARTH to avoid getting dumped in the first place if the guy is pulling away. OR FALL OFF THE SIDE OF THE EARTH IF THEY DUMP YOU."

You know what, Helen? I was thinking about this the other day when I was analyzing my own relationship patterns, that the best strategy is: as soon as things go downhill in any way -- pull back, or breakup -- BEFORE the guy has a chance to do it.

I'm adept at noticing when things are going seriously downhill, before it reaches a tipping point for the guy.

For example, I broke up with one guy after 8 months when I felt like things weren't going to improve with him being all stressed with work. Had I just let the relationship continue, the guy MAY have broken up with me after 1.5 years.

But because I broke it off and NC'ed him for a while, it snapped him out of his little bubble, so he was forced to look at what was wrong in his life. If I stuck around, perhaps he would have felt I was dragging him down and making him unhappy overall.

Can't go wrong NC-ing a guy when he's not acting properly. That way, their ego will make them come back. ;)

If you let it go on too long and THEY dump you, it tips the power balance in his direction.

We should make "FALL OF THE FACE OF EARTH" our mantra, LOL.

- Vivian; January 8, 2013 at 7:01 PM
Anonymous said...: @Alana
Just to chime in about the comments feed - not really a fan of RSS readers (can you say TIME SINK?!), so I actually use Blogtrottr.com which delivers the comments directly to my e-mail (which I have filtered into a folder, so it's all in one place!).

Or you can also do it in IFTTT.com, but there is a 15 minute delay. Both work.

The comments here are GOLD! Hope you get the RSS working. If you have any troubles, feel free to ask me; I'm a bit of a RSS geek. :)

- Vivian; January 8, 2013 at 7:07 PM
Peter said...: I've read the comments here on certain posts and I think more woman need to be less afraid of dropping a guy to be honest.

Many men take it for granted what a woman who is developing emotions or has love will do for them.

In some of the situations described it would be far better if the woman in question just said "next" it's better for her.; January 8, 2013 at 7:08 PM
Anonymous said...: @Vivian.

What date was the first Aries birthday out of interest? I am amazed he didn't even contact you once though, wow, then there is always the exception to the rule, how long were you guys together?

Yes, I seriously think going into NC, when things are going down hill, and falling off the face of the earth, even for a day or three, will help....

Helen; January 8, 2013 at 8:41 PM
Anonymous said...: @Peter

I agree with you or at least they should say: I'm not standing for this. I'm thinking of bailing! (gives him one last get out to help her be sure or not to dump him!)

Do you think a guy can see a girl as a potential wife, and act accordingly, then when he pulls back, after three months, and she pulls forward and things start to go steadily downhill like a snowball rolling into a giant snowman the size of the snow mansion, (meaning, really bad), that he then starts to just use her for sex and a bit of companionship only without the potential view of being his wife?

Know any guys who've done that?

I feel that's what my ex may have done to me but I am not sure at all, it's just a guess.; January 8, 2013 at 8:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror!

It's so great to see all of the fantastic advice you are providing all of us women. It truly is healing to not only read your responses, but see everyone be so honest about their circumstances. I am an avid lurker (lol) but I did write you previously about a circumstance and would love your thoughts about something else related to it.

Back on December 5, 2012 2:31 PM, I wrote about a guy I met back in Sept. who didn't live in town but was working construction in my apartment complex. Though I knew he wanted sex, we dated (without sex) for about a month. His construction crew had to return home for a month, and when he came back (with his 10-year old son) he didn't inform me that he had returned. That was two months ago. From the moment of our last conversation, I started NC and have never reached out to him. We haven't spoken in 3 months.

While we haven't run into each other up close, we've seen each other about 4 times from a distance. Two times I was walking to my car and the other two times, he was working nearby and saw me having long convos outside with a guy who lives in my building.

I am pretty clear that he will never call me again, and I certainly won't be calling him, but it's pretty hard right now because for the past two weeks he's been working right outside my window (uggh). I hadn't been too bothered that he doesn't call, but him outside of my window everyday is like rubbing it in my face!!

I keep my blinds in my bedroom closed because when we dated, he would tell me he could see me in my bedroom working. However, sometimes I can't help myself and will look out of a different part of my apt. where he can't see in. What's interesting is when I look out, he's always looking up at my bedroom window. For instance, if I look out for two minutes, in that time, he looks at the window 2 or 3 times.

My question is, if he won't call, why in the hell is he looking at my window? The lack of contact makes me think he doesn't give a rat's ass. He looks at the window in quick glances so it doesn't look like that's what he's doing, but it's obvious because he doesn't look at other windows at all. I need your man mind right now (lol)! Do you think he's trying to see if I'm looking out at him (which I am doing sometimes from a different window...it's hard!)? And since he is peeping, why do you think he won't call me??? I would ignore the call anyway, but it's still bugging me because I can't look out without freaking seeing him there. I feel like I'm in prison...lol!

~Lynnbump; January 8, 2013 at 10:00 PM
Alana said...: Hi MOA and Vivian -

Thanks for the RSS tips - I think I got it working now! Amazing! Thanks a lot!

Alana :); January 9, 2013 at 7:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror and Gemini50, from Anonymous39,

Thanks for both of your considered replies. You're right Gemini50, if I can get myself financially secure, I could have a family at any age if I wanted to :-)

Yes Mirror, it's me making an issue of my age because of my internal shame, I will absolutely just tell men who're asking romantically. I do think also the younger guy male friends who ask my age did have a crush on me yes, although when they found out my age, they're weren't...because they've specifically said they love girls in their 20s. Never mind. There will be other men. Then again, one of them I never told my age but bumbled around it so many times I made a huge issue of it.

It's men and women that have given us women this shame of our ages, and just history and past society. Anyway, there's nothing I can do to change my age but I can try to change my mindset.

I've digested your emails, let me see how I get on this next week or two with my feelings. It's one thing feeling positive about it one day after reading three of your amazing comments - but it's whether it sticks to me is the real result. I'll let you know. Thanks for your support.

Take care; January 9, 2013 at 7:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Peter,

It’s great to see women and men (“or man”, at this point) coming together on this forum. (I’m sure there are more men out their lurking, so maybe they will be encouraged to speak up, since you are.) I’ve given things a lot of thought since I’ve first started coming here and I believe it’s now sinking in. Hopefully, I have become a little wiser and I’m ready for the challenge of dating in this century.

I just wanted to say that when I was in high school (80’s) this total disrespect for women (and that is what is exactly going on – so I call it as I see it) wasn’t a problem. Even high school boys didn’t behave like this when I was growing up. I never had a man play me, in fact, until I was in my early 40’s. I think it is vile and I just sat my 17 year old son down and had a long talk with him. (I really didn’t have to say much, because I think he actually respects me more than his father, since he’s seen my struggles making ends meet, as well as with the other.)

I don’t know where to put the blame on this – but maybe if more men would start talking to their sons we could change this around. (However, monkey- see monkey- do. It won’t do much good unless the father is behaving himself.) I don’t know, but I DO know that what goes around comes around. My girlfriend just got ”played” (for the first time as well, mid- forties) and she has A LOT of female friends. There are about 20 of us now that think this man is a total creep. 20 women talking to another 20 women, talking to another 20 women… well, you get the picture. His name is crap in this town right now… He might as well take his li’l picture off Match because I know at least 30 women that wouldn’t date him…(and this town isn’t that big).

Bottom line is - guys may get what they initially want, but women hold some power with their tongues. It’s a shame though, total shame.; January 9, 2013 at 8:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lynnbump,
Well, LOL, sometimes I think the universe tests us. And I think it's testing you right now and testing to see what you've learned. If you pass, you get to move onto the next step, if you fail, you're doomed to repeat mistakes.

Yea, he's peeping. But I tend to think behavior like that indicates insecurity. If he can't man up, it's because he's insecure and because he knows he effed up and cannot bring himself to apologize.

I'd laugh at him if I were you, LOL. Because I'm quite sure it's driving him nuts that you're not out there in a nitey with lemonade and a plate of cookies, trying to lure him into your apartment.

Which, I'm quite sure, is what he's daydreaming of having happen, LOL ;-); January 9, 2013 at 8:55 AM
Anonymous said...: “So for any of you gals out there wondering right now, "Is he going to come back?" I think that answer would most likely be a big, fat, resounding YES, LOL”

Now this statement gets my mind going regarding BB. And I was the one who posted about the guy I exchanged numbers with over a month ago (forgot to add Kay), exchanged numbers and he wanted to make plans to see me fri night but went mia. I set his ass on the shelf; he’s still up there collecting dust (it’s been exactly one month since the last text.) Well guess who I passed while heading out this past sat night? Yup……him. He recognized my car and did a triple take before entering a house. But he stood still while watching me drive by. I had a male friend with me too ;) I have not contacted him.
BB no news there. His fb is either set to friends only or he isn’t posting anything, but it’s only been 52 days (I stopped counting days but bc I’m writing about him I had to go back and count.) each week it’s easier to not picture anything with him, but bc he was my high school crush and stuff already happened it’s so hard. And my friend who came back to visit……. He left to head back down state but has not informed me or contacted me since hanging out. The last text/call was the night of new years. He comes back to visit every 4-6 months so I’m not contacting him either. I spent so much energy thinking about these guys and fantasizing about what could be, even just fb. I stopped doing that. I’m giving my attention to those who use their actions. One new guy (ill call him Posh) has caught me. We kept seeing each other out and about. He’s shy, kind of nerdy, reserved but has a sense of humor. I’m giving my time to him bc he makes effort to give me his. We made plans to hang out one night, but I canceled bc I was sick. He didn’t contact me all day…… 10:30pm he sends a text asking how I was doing. I was asleep and didn’t respond till the next afternoon when I had time. He responded a min later :) well I spoke with him again yesterday, the convo ended with me doing a silly face………. We have plans for sat night but I’m NOT contacting him. It’s quite refreshing and stress free to not chase them. I’m keeping myself safe. I’m not getting worked up over a call not answered or a text not responded too, bc at some point they in fact will respond =)

Kay; January 9, 2013 at 9:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Ps: from post @8:29 am.....I'm telling every woman I know about this site.... Maybe with a grass roots effort we can change this around. Who knows...but I've always told my kids...knowledge is power.; January 9, 2013 at 10:27 AM
Anonymous said...: LMAO!! Mirror, you sure have a way of making a woman feel better. I'm serious, I feel wayyy better. I believe in universal tests and this is one I'm gonna pass. He's out there again today and I decided to go ahead and open my blinds like I normally would and keep on working. He can see me if he wants...he can see what "moved on with my life" looks like.

Lemonade and cookies in a nitey my ass!!! LOL!

~Lynnbump; January 9, 2013 at 11:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I think we have a professional lurking on the site, ladies. He's a man (a good looking one) that works with women to better themselves and find a good man and he's a very high profile, well-known name in the industry.

I can't be sure of this, but I've noticed that his newsletters as of late are sounding MUCH like the topics being discussed here - and the one I received today, was about the very same topic I just wrote about. Particularly, how to spot a good man - he narrowed it down to one question. In my article, I propose asking yourself 3 of them:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/how-do-you-find-a-good-man.html

It may just be coincidence, but the similarities of the topics, the wording and phrases used and the timing are becoming too much to ignore and are coming about one week after each of my new posts.

If you're here my friend, step out of the shadows - you know who you are ;-); January 9, 2013 at 1:38 PM
PNorthFitness said...: @Anonymous January 8, 2013 8:49 PM

I would save that kind statement for a man who you know is interested of you are already involved with. The key is to get good spotting who wants to hit and run verses who wantas you with a genuine interest. Once you spot it tnen you say "next" and you save yourself a lot of trouble.

When a lot of guys meet woman they have their own list of reasons to "Next" a woman. They think along these lines...

She wont give sex on the first date...Next
She will fool around but wont let me go all the way...Next
She wont meet me on the night I set up...Next
She answers back too much...Next
She is too busy to meet why should I wait?...Next
She wont put out until after the third date...Next

Can you see wwhere I'm going here?They wont tell you when you cross their line you will just find out when he "disappears". You were "nexted". Many guys will simply delete your number and flush it.They behave like this to test how submissive you are and how how open you are to giving out sex fast.The ones that get through are the ones that end up being used and dropped.

Learning to say "next" to a guy is almost like screening them out and dropping them fast. It will save you being the type of situations decribed here in this post.

In terms of your question about your ex then yes I have seen it done. They get fired up about the "idea" of being married. So for a short time they are giving off the right actions. After that it hits them they dont want it and they pull back. I will say that during that time they will probably look at other woman too. I had a guy client like that always seemed to be engaged on and off. The problem is by that time when he pulls away you're emotionally invested and chasing him. You are no longer what you were to him to are at most free sex.; January 9, 2013 at 2:09 PM
PNorthFitness said...: @anonymous January 9, 2013 8:29 AM

Its good to see you standing up to that guy and making woman you know aware f whats going on. At least you save many of them from having problems with him. Also I'm guessing you will make him think about himself when he ends ups alone.

I can't comment on what maybe wrong with modern men today. I was raised to be an officer, soldier and gentlemen. A lot of the way modern men act is disgusting to me too. I have had this talk with my friends and other men who have treated woman in ways I find to be a disgrace.

Woman have power.They just to get good screening guys and dropping the users fast. This is what I mean by a woman not being afraid to say "next" to a man. I hope your son learns his lesson, it sounds you are well on top of it.; January 9, 2013 at 2:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA!

Your advice is awesome and I think I need some expert advice.

There's this guy (Leo) at the gym I workout at. BTW, I'm a Sag. I didn't notice him at first or interact with him. He's pretty quiet and reserved. But a couple of months ago, we ended up co-hosting an event and through the weeks leading up to it, we ended up communicating & joking around a lot. Lots of sexual tension but it was just fun at that point; I wasn't taking it too seriously.

He made his move the night of the event and kissed me. We went on a follow up date and then, he just kinda seemed to fade out. My fault probably because I was always maintaining/initiating contact. He would say he was going to plan this or that activity but never actually followed up with anything. I should mention that he just got out of a 2 year relationship about 2 months before.

We both like to travel and I had offered that if he took off for a long trip, I'd house sit if he needed since he's not that far from my place. Well, he ended up getting a 6 week gig out of town and took me up on my offer. So, I am currently housesitting for him until he returns in February.

Right around Dec. 22nd, I read your blog and decided to initiate NC. Went out on New Years Eve and had a great time. End of New Years day, (after my friend posted a beautiful pic of us out) I got a Happy New Year text. I ignored it. Yesterday, I got "Hey, are you alright? Don't make me worry about you." I ignored it. 6 hours later, he's texting my friend(we all go to the same gym), saying he's worried cuz he hasn't heard from me in weeks. I sent your hey, nice to hear from you text, been busy text.

I intend to continue with the NC but if he pulls this stunt again where he goes through the back door texting our friend, do I continue to ignore him or...??? He'll be back in about 3 weeks.

Thanks for your insight!; January 9, 2013 at 3:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 9, 3:03PM,
I'd ignore him for smaller bits of time, like a few hours. It kinda changes things since you're house sitting for him.

But if you note, read Peter's comments here. Being too available to a man is never really a good thing. It tends to invite bad behavior (taking you for granted) from a man.; January 9, 2013 at 3:26 PM
Anonymous said...: To PETER

From @Anonymous January 8, 2013 8:49 PM

"In terms of your question about your ex then yes I have seen it done. They get fired up about the "idea" of being married. So for a short time they are giving off the right actions. After that it hits them they dont want it and they pull back. I will say that during that time they will probably look at other woman too. I had a guy client like that always seemed to be engaged on and off. The problem is by that time when he pulls away you're emotionally invested and chasing him. You are no longer what you were to him to are at most free sex."

OK so yes he chased me like mad at the beginning and he loved every minute of it! He was asking for commitement, exclusiveness, telling me he loved me and it was he who was suggesting he was in it for us to try at least for the rest of our lives as there is no point otherwise so we did discuss marriage a time or two for a few months, then he pulled back (went MIA for 8 days) and I pulled back (cooly not reacting by doing nothing) but then I had it and dumped him (bad move as the same day I asked to get back together with him, messed up, yes as it gave mixed signals and also rewarded him for bad behaviour as well as wounded his ego), but I apologised a lot, ended up chasing him for three weeks and got him back for a couple/three more months but it wasn't the same - Like I had been demotivated from potential wife to somewhere in-between fuck buddy or just a girlfriend - either way, his intentions were no longer potential wife - I could tell by his actions.

What I am asking is, when he pulls back (as in my case, ignoring the me dumping him bit), rather than the woman chasing, can it still work out as a potential married, if she just leaves the lad alone? Waits for him to come back? Or is it doomed anyway? Know any cases you can quote either way?; January 9, 2013 at 6:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Peter, PS. I think in most cases it is doomed, but I imagine there are some where it is not...(as MOA has said in her comment) but I wanted to hear it from a man's point of view. Then again, you may not know all the details of people you know, as the ladies in this forum give every ounce of detail for the lovely MOA to be able to give a proper considered response to!

Sometimes, the chasing the woman does in a serious relationship when he has pulled away, is maybe a gift as it finishes it earlier, to allow the right man for her into her life, without dragging it on :-); January 9, 2013 at 6:12 PM
Vani90 said...: So what do you do if you have been "NEXTED" so to speak. I recently did all of those things you listed lol, I didnt sleep with him on the first date, was busy, fool around but didnt go all the way, etc. In my situation, he didnt really try to have sex with me. He "seemed" understanding but he was open to it if I wanted it. The following week he's hot and cold then one particular confusing text saying that he is finding it hard to balance 2 people when he knows he likes me and wants to put more effort into me blah blah blah and Im playing it cool. He says i just dont want to waste your time because we dont talk as much or hang out and im very sexual. Then he contacts me again a day or two later and then disappears and so did I (no contact). Im giving you a very paraphrased summary which probably isnt clear to his personality. But how do you return from being nexted or is it worth it to return?; January 9, 2013 at 6:15 PM
PNorthFitness said...: @Anonymous January 8, 2013 8:49 PM

In the case of the male client I told you about no he never married any of the times I known him to be engaged to.There is also a trainer in another gym I used use to work at who had the same kind of situation.

In both cases none of these men actually married. They never appreciated the lady again in the same way. In the second case of the ex trainer colleague, he dragged it out for a year.
He started as your ex did and then pulled back and used her for sex stringing her on. He never viewed her as anything worth having. She was never relationship material in his eyes.

You summed it up "Like I had been demotivated from potential wife to somewhere in-between fuck buddy". There was no in between or "just girl friend" in either cases. Just a woman emotionaly involved and chasing wat was gone.

I want to reassure you IT WAS NOTHING YOU DID WRONG. None of this was down to you. You made no mistakes. You did only what a woman who had thought she found the right man would do. So you have nothng to really say you messed up for. Dont be down on yourself for that it was all him as nothng you culd have done either way would have changed the man.

Please also don't make excuses for him, don't say you wounded his ego here. Everything that went on was down to what went on in his head.

My advice is next time a guy talks marriage early in the relationship is to put your guard up take it as a red flag. Just be cautious and observe.If you do end up in this situation again and the guy pulls back then you pull back and get on with life. If he makes no contact for over two weeks or he makes contact after a week with no valid reason why he should be waiting that long then take it as a bad sign, get out of it. My reason for this is that no guy who really wants to marry a woman will ever go for any period without wanting to know how she is. The one big thing is if all he does is talk then you have a red flag. He should be doing his talking with a ring. Judge by actions and how he makes you feel when you're around him and you have the answer.; January 9, 2013 at 6:59 PM
Anonymous said...: So.. I wrote in December that this guy contacted me after 5 months, after a MIA (well, I kinda dumped him because he kept being late for dates by an hour or more; lived in different city, but still...). I was over him and waited about 2 weeks and then texted him and just wished him a very Merry Christmas. He got the message and didn't continue to contact me.

There's another guy MIA at 3 mos. now that I did like. However, I'm basically over it. If he contacts me (as I see now that is a possibility) I kind of want to say something like, "Hey nice to hear from you. I get why you disappeared b/c I put the pressure on, but I just think we want different things... I still am not willing to be FWB." (We did not have sex, btw. Only talked about it. Then, I hit him up for exclusivity and he disappeared.)

According to Peter, "I would save that kind statement for a man who you know is interested of you are already involved with. The key is to get good spotting who wants to hit and run verses who wants you with a genuine interest."

My question is... by dumping him this time, if truly interested, wouldn't he try to pursue me? And if not, he was only in it for sex after all?; January 9, 2013 at 7:35 PM
lONDONcALLING said...: MOA....'LONDON CALLING' here....
Oh my my my my my my my myyyyyyyy ladies!! I feel like I know all of you!!

Its been 2 months since I posted about my missing-in-action guy and nothing yet. Been enjoying getting to know myself better and enjoying the attention from other men.

I have to say, I LOG ON TO THIS SITE EVERY DAY....rushing just to see what new scoop we have to unpack and delve through. You ladies are sublime and please understand that your experiences are lifting and encouraging others!

If you are "Anonymous" that's just as well, but if you want, put down a pet name so that we can get to know you and cheer you on? Its great to see familiar names back...Hi Vivian/Kay!! Welcome to Helen, Peter and Lynnbump! If I forgot you...hellooo! And welcome to this delicious maze we're journeying through together!!

This is so juicy!! I can't wait until the comments have reached in the two thousands. By then for sure we'll see some proposals! What fun it'll be to attend our weddings to fabulous men!! And to have walked through the journey together!

Now let me say what everyone won't. Mirror of Aphrodite...we want to meet you!! I'll pay for a conference!!! GURRRLL i'll throw the 3 day intensive event together, you just show up! But I do understand if you value your privacy and prefer to stay behind the screen! But what funn!!!

Just think!! One weekend...all girls...and Peter...IN VEGAS!!! HA!; January 9, 2013 at 8:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 9, 7:35PM,
In my opinion, yes a man truly interested pursues you. When they don't, they were only half interested and seeking sex.

And if he contacts you, I wouldn't say that...it's too much sharing of emotion and it'll surely send him away. If it were me, I wouldn't answer at all. I'd save my breath and see if he pursues..make him prove himself. If he doesn't, there's nothing that needs to be said and you move on.; January 9, 2013 at 8:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @London Calling,
Hey lady! I know..many familiar "faces" here now, aren't there!

It's great, I love it. I started this site as a place to hold discussions about wondrous things. Who'd a thunk it..those wondrous things ended up being men LOL. And our dear Peter :-)

I'm very pleased that this is a place women are regularly coming to and feel safe to share their experiences with one another, lean on each other and receive support. It's generating lots of good energy and good karma. Something you don't see much of these days. Lots of positive energy here in spite of the pain, grief and abandonment being discussed.

Yes, we're all on this journey together...our own little tribe :-)

I had to laugh, and I was touched, at your suggestion of a conference. Hey you never know what the universe has in store or what this may manifest into. I realize many are probably curious about me and honestly gals, I don't want to hide from you. But I will share that I work in the online publishing industry full time. This blog is my passion and a hobby..a personal journal of sorts you could say. However the topics discussed are sensitive to some and I learned early on...people don't like others speaking their mind...particularly a woman. I get hate mail and I imagine most of it is from men lol. So I blog anonymously because I don't want some whacko starting a smear campaign that spills over into my industry and affects my work or reputation.

So for now gals...I have to be like The Wizard of Oz...behind the green curtain LOL. But I cracked up...all us gals in Vegas...with Peter...OMG, that's a riot!!! I'm touched :-)

And Peter may turn out to be one lucky man here LOL!

Thanks for returning and spreading cheer London ;-); January 9, 2013 at 8:58 PM
Virgochick said...: Hit bottom again with insecure angry man. After he was upset and as you exactly said, manipulating me to feel guilty I did. I initiated just 1 thing which was "hey how u going" and then couldn't be bothered. Back to being annoyed at myself. This time I've decided I need time out from him, going to deactivate my FB, not be contactable anywhere. I think now it's come to the point I don't think I can play these games with him and wait months on end for him to fix himself. He says I'm not the problem, yet he seems so great with mutual friends etc. I don't believe it's not to do with me. I'll keep reading again and be strong. I just don't understand it's not like we've broken up but I'm like in limbo land, he won't let me go even though I wanted to end it cause I was over the treatment. If a guy is seriously not interested why is he not actually officially leaving me? Then gets upset I don't talk or support him through a tough time. Peter, this whole guy needing to "work on himself, being unhappy with himself" what's this all about and why do they push you away?; January 9, 2013 at 9:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh London you only picked Vegas because you can get hitched there on the same day and there is no where you can do that in England...you guuuuuuuuuys, men on the brain, shhhhessss ;-); January 9, 2013 at 9:59 PM
Anonymous said...: hello hi I just wanted some advice on a couple of things ..I was going out with a boy for almost 3 years off and on hes 22 im 21 now. when I first met him everything was good he was lke my best friend but things have changed .ill do anything for this boy and she just doesn't appreciate any of it he just asks for more and more , we had broke up for a good 10months he has talked down to other people about me disrespected on social networks. everytime we break up he always ends up talking to another girl and his favorite line is shes just something to do when theres nothing to do. and he always just seems to come back to me I don't understand I have been nothing but a good gf to him hes very insecure he is the only child very spoiled . I do the whole ignoring him thing but its so hard when I wake up thinking about him everyday I have a problem with letting go and just letting it be I was thinking about writing him a letter to say how I felt but its like for what I do all of that and he still wont care its really hard; January 10, 2013 at 12:01 AM
Peter said...: @Vani90

Sorry my late reply only just seen your post.

"He "seemed" understanding but he was open to it if I wanted it"

"He says i just dont want to waste your time because we dont talk as much or hang out and im very sexual"

These two things translate as I'm waiting to see if you do respond with sex AND I don't want to waste MY time because I never get an opening to arrange a meeting where I can have sex with you.

If a man is quick to "Next" you he is after one thing only and thats sex. If he does that to you then you delete his number and get on with life. If he was interested he would chase you after that but more than likely not.; January 10, 2013 at 3:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoChick,
I'll let Peter answer your direct question, however, you need to realize that you're partially responsible for what you're going through right now, honey. You initiated contact and you have repeatedly let him back into your life. You reward him for treating you poorly by giving him your attention. You shouldn't do that.

"If a guy is seriously not interested why is he not actually officially leaving me?"

So he can string you along for sex.

"Then gets upset I don't talk or support him through a tough time."

He's selfish and insecure, looking for an ego boost.

"He says I'm not the problem."

You're not the problem. The problem is that he does not want a relationship.

You're not going to start to feel better until you take control, dear.; January 10, 2013 at 8:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 9, 9:59PM,
There's a lot more you can do in Vegas than get married. Have you ever seen a group of women in Vegas? They're not sitting around knitting scarves when they're there. Trust me, marriage is the farthest thing from their mind there, LOL!

Even good girls realize that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas ;-); January 10, 2013 at 8:37 AM
Anonymous said...: hi MOR, scorpio80 here, first I want to say thank you for such a wonderful blog, I'm so glad to have found it, been reading all the posts from your followers and your replies, and want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who has contributed their story as its been very helpful to me in trying to deal and move forward with my situation.

I think my situation is a little different, and I'm wondering if the same rules still apply (of no contact/mirroring etc)...I get the feeling from a few comments you have replied to MOR that you don't think relationships can work online without a physical connection/meeting in person. but what about friendships then?!

I would like to get your advice on my situation...I have been online friends with a guy I met on an online forum. we have been friends for about 9 months. we live on opposite sides of the globe. anyway, we have stayed in contact nearly every day for 9 months, and have video and voice chatted with each other many of times. a few times(two or three times) in our 9 months of friendship he has gone a bit hot and cold, once or twice I called him up on his distance...but things soon got back to normal and we chatted consistently again. anyway I have helped him out a few times, but now he has disappeared. he went distant on me about a month ago, but we sent thanksgiving, Christmas, new years greetings to each other (i probably initiated these). last I heard from him was over a week or 2 ago, a fairly generic response, after I wished him a happy new year, he replied a few days later, so I did the same and replied to his reply a few days water (mirroring). he hasn't replied since (over a week or two ago) . I miss his friendship alot and don't understand his disappearance. we were not in a relationship ( we mucked around/ flirted a bit, calling each other pet names) but I'm hurt by his disappearance/distance , and if he found a girlfriend why couldn't he just say. I was planning on visiting his country this March, and was looking forward to finally meeting him. I helped him a lot and feel hurt by his disappearance...we were friends not exclusive lovers for crying out loud. I am not going to contact him and if he values our friendship he will contact me. if only I found this website earlier, I was just too nice and open and caring!
just wanted to share my story and say thank you. I was in a deep depression for a few weeks, and reading this blog and replies has definitely helped me feel so much better and more empowered, so thank you to all that have contributed and to you MOR. I have my ups and downs still, but at least getting better each day.; January 10, 2013 at 8:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 10, 12:01AM,
"He has talked down to other people about me disrespected on social networks."

He's ignorant and immature.

"Everytime we break up he always ends up talking to another girl and his favorite line is shes just something to do when there's nothing to do."

He sounds like a sociopath and/or a narcissist. Check out this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/how-do-you-find-a-good-man.html

"And he always just seems to come back to me I don't understand."

What's there not to understand, sweetie? He comes back to you because you PERMIT him to come back and he knows it. You're not dishing out consequences for his behavior. Check out this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

"Hes very insecure he is the only child very spoiled."

Insecure men don't make good boyfriends, husbands or lovers. They're selfish, they don't know how to make others happy and they don't care to, they are crappy in bed and they are cheaters (because they need lots of attention from women to make themselves feel like men).

"I was thinking about writing him a letter to say how I felt"

If you do that, you're going to feel worse. He will laugh at you and show that to friends and make fun of you. DO NOT give him that. DO NOT share your emotions with him. He will only mock you if you do.

"He still wont care its really hard."

You're right, he won't care. Because he's selfish and he only cares about himself. He's not capable of making anyone else happy.

You need to initiate no contact immediately:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html; January 10, 2013 at 8:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorpio80,
No, I don't think online relationships can work. You need physical contact to bond romantically. However, friendships - sure you can have a friendship online. As long as you don't expect it to be more than a friendship someday.

And friends will come and go in life. I have friends that I don't speak to for months, hell years. But when we see each other again, it's like no time has passed at all. And that's perfectly normal.

But it sounds to me like you expected this friendship to turn into something more. And I imagine he sensed that.

"If he found a girlfriend why couldn't he just say."

A couple of reasons. Because I imagine he sensed you want more and he doesn't want to hurt you and probably doesn't feel he has to answer to you. Because you guys were only friends and he never made a commitment to you, so he doesn't have to explain himself.

I think this is how these things go:

1-4 dates: No explanation can be expected. Disappearing will happen.

4-9 dates: An explanation should be expected via text, phone call or social media contact.

9 or more dates: A face to face explanation should be given.

But notice, all of the above are for dating situations - and you two weren't dating. I know it's tough, but you can't expect more, honey.

Besides, I imagine he'll return at some point. Cease initiating contact (because I'm sure he sees that as you pursuing him because he senses you want more) and see if he does.; January 10, 2013 at 8:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Emotional unavailability.

Read up on it.

This is why men tend to do the hot and cold thing.

Its not about the right women coming along and winning their heart.

Some men will forever be like this.; January 10, 2013 at 1:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for this article. It was just what I needed to hear. An ex of mine from 7 years ago came back into my life 4 months ago. He was newly divorced and we went for coffee. Sad to say we went for drinks after that and then back to his place. He disappeared the next day for 2 months. No text back. I saw him at a concert a month later and he was pleasant but stand off ish. I did not contact and him for a month after that. He finally text me saying he was sorry and was just dealing with the feelings of the ending of his marriage. I let him continue to make contact with me. I text back but was not overly assertive. After 2 weeks he asked me to hang out at his house. We of course ended right back to where we did the last time. He mentioned he had been on 2 dates but weren't serious. One girl told him they had to take it slow because she had two young kids. I didn't show it bothered me and just changed the subject. I stayed for awhile longer then left. That was a week ago and I have yet to hear from him. I have not text him or tried to contact him in any way. He is a Gemini and im a leo and we are both 30. Is he just playing me while he waits for this other woman? Will continuing to not contact him pique his interest again for me?

-peaceandlove; January 10, 2013 at 3:22 PM
Anonymous said...: @Helen:

The first Aries guy's birthday is April 13, and we were together for about 7-8 months.

I was disappointed he didn't reach out, but then I figured Aries men just easily move on to the next person. They like conquering new women, but they still keep the desperate ones around for company.

Were the Aries you dated also second week Aries?

My guy was very impatient, restless, and self-centered. On the flip side, he's family-oriented, loyal, honest, hardworking, masculine, super sensual and sexy. But...Aries men... never again!

- Vivian; January 10, 2013 at 4:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @peaceandlove,
"Will continuing to not contact him pique his interest again for me?"

It's possible. But it's also possible that he's just not ready or likes you as a person, but doesn't want to enter into a relationship with you.

Chasing him and initiating contact to remind him you're there will only cause him to pull away further. You're best bet is to continue on with your life and see if he returns.

A man that genuinely likes you will seek you out. A man that's only half interested or is seeking sex will create a pattern of this. In which case, I'd agree with the commenter above in that, those one's are emotionally unavailable men.

I have seen men like that in long term relationships, but the women they're with are usually miserable, trying and trying to connect and make things work - only to watch things fall apart.; January 10, 2013 at 4:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Greetings Ms. Mirror, Gemini 50 here.

I have one item to share w/your readers, and one question my work gf's have asked me to ask you (They are spit-fire CRAZY btw because I've "gotten it," (re: my silly dating behavior)from a "blog", but would not listen to them. :)

For your readers wondering if the NC rule works:

Currently I am practicing it for the first time on Virgo-guy. Poor man. We work for same co, but 1K miles apart. We were friends for 7 yrs before starting a relationship for about a year where we saw each other five times. It didn't work out for me -- he was wrapped too tight in himself, too judgemental of me, etc.

Anyway, we wouldn't talk for weeks/months at a time, but when he came back, I'd be right there waiting for him with open arms.

I finally ended it for good 6 months ago, but still talked to him once in awhile. It seemed when he needed his fix, he'd contact me, and I wanted to be "nice," so he had everything his way.

Until last week. Last week he contacted me at work through office instant mssg and asked me to talk with him. I wanted to try out my "bitch" skills, so I said, "I don't know what to say." He said, "anything."

I said, "Why?"

He said, "I miss talking."

I didn't respond. (It's still about HIM)

He texted me Monday night> Did you wanna talk sometime?

Me: No Contact

He texted me again Monday night> hmmm

Me: No Contact

He texted me Tuesday night> So I made a mistake

What I wanted to say was, "A mistake is forgetting milk and bread on the way home from work. Your intentional poor treatment of me because of your own issues is not a "mistake."

But instead: No Contact.

Wednesday night. He texts> Hey

(really? I'm going to jump to Hey??? Maybe before, but not now) Me: No Contact

Tonight already three texts:
1. Sent a picture of a pond in his neighborhood He texts >Pond

No Contact

2. >Ouch

No Contact

3. >I'm home

No Contact

I am sorry for him now that I am practicing this new No Contact thing on him... but, he pops back in when he wants to without any consideration for me, so... what the hell?

What Ms Mirror is saying is true... No Contact gives you back the power. Don't be afraid to use it.

Ok, Ms. Mirror, here is the second thing. Scorpio works at a home improvement store in my town managing a dept (that's where I met him). I am utilizing and understand the requirement to completely disappear, so I am not going to this store. (I also know I could not hold myself together if I ran into him, he'd see I would be putty in his hands.)

My girlfriends at work want me to go to this store to buy something and, if I run into him, to act all cool and nonchalant.

When I was adament I would not do this, they screamed, "Ask your blog lady! See if she agrees with us!" lol

So, what's your thoughts Ms. Mirror? :); January 10, 2013 at 6:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Continuted for Ms Mirror from Gemini 50

My gf's think that if Scorpio sees me, he will see what he is missing and come running.

I am with the side of him needing to feel the total and complete loss (and who knows how long that will take) and him seeing me would cushion that impact. (Also, I know I couldn't stand up to his manly charms right now, so self-preservation for the long haul must be my priority.)

I can't wait to share your opinion with my work girlfriends.

Hugs!; January 10, 2013 at 6:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey @scorpio80

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but I went through the exact same thing ~4 years ago.

Also met him off an online forum. Also lived opposite sides of the globe. Also chatted regularly: IM, e-mails, phone, and video chat. (I'll call him Forum Guy.)

He wasn't trolling for girls (we met on a tech forum with 95% of the members being male), so that made me trust him more.

He was a great listener who was always there when I wanted to vent about my problems with my ex. When I broke up with the ex, I started talking to Forum Guy a lot more.

We flirted quite a bit. He'd also make jokes about our future grandchildren, and how they'd laugh at how clumsy their grandmother was. Yeah - not just children, but our GRANDCHILDREN!

Then one day, he requested an "open relationship" with me on Facebook. I accepted. We then acted bf/gf with each other for ~2 months.

He'd send me good morning & good night texts every day that were ridiculously sweet.

But, of course, this was just his fantasy talk. I got a little too into it, fell hard for him, and he probably sensed it...as he started casually mentioning this cute girl he may have sex with, and started taking longer to respond to me.

I tried to play it cool saying - haha good luck dude, but the damage was done.

I pulled back in self-protection, took off the "open relationship" status, and told him I was going to Beijing for a few weeks. He wrote back saying, "Yeah maybe a break is good. Have fun there."

We still touchbased over the years, but it was never the same again (for me). He still says things like, "Not proposing to you but I think it'd be fun to live with you for a while." And 3 months ago, he wrote, "If all goes well, I hope to come visit you next year (2013). I miss our chats, you know?"

Of course when I responded to his Facebook message, he didn't reply LOL. It's all a guy's fantasy diarrhea. I just ignore it now.

When you said you were hurt by his disappearance, I was thinking, it's not as simple as just a friendship for you.

Even though I had no plans to date the Forum Guy, I did have feelings for him after all that talking and deep down, wanted him to treat me like a gf (while being friends).

So when he started pulling back, it hurt me probably the same way this guy has hurt you (again, even though I kept telling myself we're just friends).

The reality is, if you have no immediate plans to either move to where he is or he moves to where you are, you can't really expect much out of your connection. Even if it's just a short visit, it's still not enough to keep it going daily.

He'll be buzzed off your initial meeting for a few months and be attentive, but then, he'll fade away as reality sets in.

It's possible that he was starting to fall for YOU, but was aware of the reality so he backed off to try to cool things down.

I know you want to revive your friendship, but, the best thing to do is to disappear yourself, make him miss you. Touch base once in a while, and don't flirt even if he flirts with you. It's prob all just TALK like what the Forum Guy does.

The Forum Guy and I regularly NC anywhere between 3 to 9 months. If I still missed and liked him, it would be torture.

I don't want you to feel hurt and depressed any longer. :( A better, available, closer guy is OUT THERE for you!!

If you end up in the same city as this guy, who knows what will happen.. but until then, throw him back into the sea and you will be happier in time.

Cheer up...BIG HUGS!

- Vivian; January 10, 2013 at 6:30 PM
Anonymous said...: @London Calling

Hi to you too!!

I love how you said, "I can't wait until the comments have reached in the two thousands. By then for sure we'll see some proposals!"

If all of us keep applying mirror's advice, and just keep on dating and weeding out the losers/players - eventually we'll all meet the right guys - AND be able to recognize him because he'll do everything opposite of these lame disappearing/reappearing men.

So yeah I'm totally looking forward to reading about all the future happily-ever-after-romantic-proposal stories here!

London calling - do come back to share yours. You'll forget your MIA guy in no time!

- Vivian; January 10, 2013 at 6:55 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA- it's Texan girl again, to refresh your memory- I intitated NC contact on my taurus male and eventually got a random "hey" text a month later. I ignored that and then got the Merry xmas text, responded to that, didn't hear from him until New Years when he sent a happy new year text. My previous question was about why he was just sending holiday wishes and not initiating further conversation and you recommended a response to his happy new year text which I sent at the beginning of the year.

Well two days ago, I got a text from him- this time he was asking me a question based on a conversation we had in the past. Anyways, I waited three hours and responded and then he sent me a reply which I didn't respond to until the next day (i.e.yesterday). He then responded a few hours later with a somewhat playful text. Now I don't want him to think he is back in my good graces because he isn't- I guess his question was his way of ingratiating himself back into my life. Is it wrong that I still want to "punish" him for his bad behavior? I don't want to respond to his most recent text but I also don't want him to think I am not interested. I want to give him a second chance but really don't want to make it easy for him to waltz back into existence like nothing happened. So my question is:

1) Should I respond to his most recent playful text or hold off and see if he texts again?
2) If he were to ask me out again (I know I am being premature here), should I tell him I have other plans or accept the date (if he asks in advance and I am available)?

I have a long list of things that I didn't like the first time around including:1) he never asked me out in advance, 2) he communicates solely via text-we have NEVER had a conversation on the phone. I called him out on this in the beginning and he said he hates talking on the phone- I actually don't talk on the phone much but DARN, he has me beat, 3) we went out on about 7-8 dates in the course of two months and there was no variety- he was very predictable-after the first few dates-we started to just hang out at his place! He then started pulling away and I was doing all the intitating although he would always respond within, at most 2-3 hours.

He just has this hot/cold thing going and he is extremely hard to read. There is an 18 year age difference between us and the last time we hang out, I did sort of "freak out" about that so I don't know if that factored into anything. I am 27 and he is 45. Never would I have thought a 45 y/o Taurus male would be causing me this much grief lol. We both work in the medical field-I am still in residency and he is a practicing MD but we don't work in the same hospital (thank goodness). All my girlfriends have told me to move on and ignore him.

I am not sure why he is intitating texts now- it could probably be out of boredom/he hasn't met anyone he interested in so he wants to use me as his fill-in/im bored entertainment. Well I am not going for that in this new year. How should I proceed to determine if he is genuinely interested? HELP ME

-Texan Girl-; January 10, 2013 at 7:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Well, tell your gals it turns out, yes and no, I agree, LOL. I see where they're coming from and there are times that tactic will work. However, this is where "pack mentality" with women kinda goes askew. (Girlfriends can tend to encourage one another to do some whacky shit when it comes to men, LOL.)

Here's the thing - those ploys can look obvious to men and then you give yourself away. Knowing that, when you're going to do something like that, it's IMPERATIVE that you can be confident enough to pull it off properly. I've done this before, over a man - the only man - I've ever met that was able to reduce me to a giggling, 15 year old schoolgirl, weak in the knees.

And boy did I make an ass out of myself, LOL!

And not only did I make an ass out of myself (I was literally reduced speechless during the encounter, he touched my arm and asked me a question and I couldn't answer. He's a first week Aries, ladies, LOL), but I made an even BIGGER ass out of myself upon returning home after this debacle. And this leads me to my earlier point, that women can talk one another into some whacky shit, LOL . . . I'm going to share a lil story here.

After this debacle of an encounter, I went home, my head still woozy, and I text my girlfriend. The text said some ridiculous shit, like a highschool girl, "I saw Phil today!! He touched my arm and was smiling at me!! He's never touched me before like that and when I left, he waved at me."

I mean . . . it was damn ridiculous. That's only a portion of it there, LOL.

Then I hit send - AND I SENT THE FUCKING TEXT TO PHIL.

Yes, ladies. I sent the damn text to Phil.

Sigh.

I had Phil on the brain. I lost my mind - right there - I tossed my brain out the window.

So what do I do?

I call my girlfriend. The one I intended to send the text to. Because two heads are better than one, right? (Two female Taurus heads, mind you, LOL.) I'm shaking, almost crying. She answers and I start blabbing at the mouth. When I got to the part where I sent him the text - she gasped. She said, "Oh no! You didn't!"

Umm. Yes, I did.

Sigh.

Anyway, the two of us get to plotting. How do we repair this? Gee, lemme see. She suggests sending him ANOTHER text (I know) that says, "Hey Phil. Oops. Sorry about that. I know some other Phil's and I bumped into one right before I saw you."

No response.

So basically, her and I, as if enough damage wasn't already done, we got the bright idea to send yet another text that ends up informing this man that I know 57 Phil's and they were all touching me at the gas station today. The same damn gas station I saw him at. There was a long line of Phil's molesting me at the gas station that day LOL.

Sigh. I know.

And it gets better.

A week later, I'm on my way to the gas station again (because I have to drive past his house to get there, of course ;-) and I get to the intersection right before the gas station, the intersection where this man lives, and I hear police sirens - and they're for me.

Yes. I get pulled over by the police - SMACK DAB IN FRONT OF THIS MAN'S HOUSE - a week later - sirens blaring.

The police think my inspection stickers look fake. Whatever. I'm convinced this is one big damn joke the universe is playing on me.

So the policeman calls for backup.

Yes, ladies. HE CALLED FOR A SECOND POLICEMAN to come to the scene - sirens fucking blaring, like I'm some damn criminal.

So there I am, in all my shame and embarrassment, shaking my fists at the sky, with two policeman, sirens blaring, right smack dab in front of this man's house - and Phil's home.

There's much more to this story . . . but you get the idea. If you can't keep it together, sweetie - don't even attempt it. Because you'd be amazed at just how wrong it can actually go, LOL.

I imagine your gals are gonna' like that story ;-); January 10, 2013 at 8:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror

Great story! the text bit had me in stitches.

I did the same thing! I sent a text to a guy who I'd been dating a lot but it had cooled off, and he didn't respond, so then I sent another saying it was another Andrew I was supposed to have written to in my phone....no response.

Andrew knew I was lying.

What a jackass I was. I should have just let Andrew ignore me and be done with it.

Didn't get me anywhere.

And Andrew, who made my knees weak at the knees, was also an Aries!!!

Is there anymore to your story after that with Phil, Mirror? Or is that the end?

Isn't it weird, if a man had sent that accidentally to the woman, the woman would have LOVED it and it would have made her like him more!; January 10, 2013 at 9:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Texan Girl,
"Is it wrong that I still want to "punish" him for his bad behavior?"

No, consider it a lesson of sorts rather than punishment. It's you standing up for yourself.

"Should I respond to his most recent playful text or hold off and see if he texts again?"

Take a look at what Gemini 50 is doing here. She's practicing NC on a Virgo right now and he's amping up his attempts.

If I were you, I'd hang back here. Don't respond. Especially if he's treated you ignorantly and poorly in the past. Don't make it easy for him, he needs to prove himself and you need to protect yourself.

"If he were to ask me out again, should I tell him I have other plans or accept the date (if he asks in advance and I am available)?"

Here's the rule: If he asks 3 days in advance, you can accept. Meaning, if it's Wednesday and he's asking to go out on Saturday, yes accept. If it's Thursday evening or Friday and he's asking for Saturday, no do not accept. Tell him you've already made plans and then suggest another day that is 3 days later. So if he's asking on Thursday, you're available Sunday. If he's asking on Friday, you're available on Monday.

But before you accept, because of this:

"after the first few dates-we started to just hang out at his place!"

You say this, "Where would you like to go?"

Let him tell you his plans for the date. If he has none, you tell him you're busy and can't make it and that if he'd like to meet up for dinner one night, give you a CALL.

So if he says, "Want to get together?" You say, "What did you have planned?" He says, "I dunno." You say, "I'm pretty busy this week, but if you'd like to meet for dinner sometime, gimmie a CALL."

Or if he says, "We can go to dinner and a movie." You say, "Where would you like to go to dinner?" Let him tell you where he plans to take you. If he asks where you want to go, you pick a nice place. Then if he agrees you say, "I'm free (provide a date 3 days later." Or if he says "Wanna go tomorrow?" You say, "I'd love to but I already have plans. How about (3 days later)."

You don't accept crap dates that he's not lifting a finger for. You refuse those and you accept dates he plans and you set them for 3 days from that day. That's how he understands that he needs to plan time with you in advance and treat you like a lady.

"He then started pulling away and I was doing all the intitating"

When a man pulls away - you fall off the face of the earth. He hears nothing but crickets chirping in the silence.

"There is an 18 year age difference between us. . . I am 27 and he is 45"

Ouch. Be careful here dear. He's older, wiser and probably pretty damn good at the game.

"I am not sure why he is intitating texts now"

He's testing the waters.

"How should I proceed to determine if he is genuinely interested?"

You hang back, do not contact him and don't respond. See if he comes to you and increases his efforts.

A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out and pursue you. A man that is only half interested will make lame attempts, not put any effort into it (they like things easy for them) and then disappear again (to find their next easy victim).

And since he's an accomplished man that seems to be very selfish and entitled here, might I suggest you read this piece in the meantime:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/how-do-you-find-a-good-man.html; January 10, 2013 at 9:24 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Ms Mirror, from Gemini 50.

I can't remember the last time I've laughed so hard and loud at someone else's escapades -- that is some funny as hell shix!

Can't wait to share it with the gals tomorrow!

I can't lie for shit, and would not be able to hold it together and act like I wasn't doing what I was doing to get Scorpio's attention -- so I am staying away.

If Scorpio never contacts me, that's his choice. I dont want to be treated as an option.

I am seeing what setting boundaries is doing to Virgo-guy. In addition to the the earlier 3 texts tonight, 4 more texts came in (This effort NEVER happened before):

>Can I have a mulligan?

No Contact

1 minute later> well (he's always been very demanding of my responses)

No Contact

2 minutes later> If I don't stand a chance in hell just tell me. I'll leave you alone.

No Contact

20 minutes later> Don't answer.

No Contact

All of his messages are still about him. He hasn't extended any concern or question how I am doing.

I am learning: this is part of the weeding out process.

p.s. Meant to tell you I loved your comments the other day to respond to jerko man: Why are you bald? Why do you drive a bicycle and not a car? Why do you look 9 months pregnant? Why don't your kids talk to you? I was laughing my ass off -- that's some moxy!

And I'll join everyone in Vegas!! (lived there as a kid too, back when Vegas was the Old Vegas, and Boulder Hwy went thru nothing but desert) :); January 10, 2013 at 9:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 10, 9:12PM,
Oh yes, there's more to the Phil story, LOL. Lot's more.

But we've never dated LOL! This sharade has been going on for almost 7 years now and I'm quite sure he thinks I'm a certifiable whacko at this point. My girlfriends and I have a pet name for him and they ask for updates regularly.

I could write a book about how many times I made an ass out of myself over that man. Since then though, I've straightened up, become a completely different woman - and the last time we had a face to face - his hands were shaking ;-) I was standing tall, looking him dead in the eye and this Aries - his freakin hands were shaking (probably because he's scared to death of me by now, LOL.)

But seriously . . well let's just say that the tables have turned and things are very different these days ;-)

One time, I have a camp about 100 miles north of where I live. Phil, being an Aries, at that time drove a giant RED DODGE RAM duelly pick up truck (yes ladies, Aries favorite color is red and their zodiac glyph is a ram, LOL). I used to see that thing coming a mile away.

Anyway, at the time, I have a boyfriend. A live in boyfriend. We're in my vehicle, I'm driving and we're towing a load of firewood 100 miles up to camp in a 14 foot utility trailer with my dog in the vehicle. We leave town, get on the highway to camp, I'm cruising along, I look in the rear view mirror - and here comes Phil - right up behind me.

He rips up behind me in this gigantic bright red fucking truck of his LOL - and then passes me. We look right at each other. And off he goes.

My boyfriend at the time starts running his mouth (he was a Virgo, LOL) complaining about my driving (I hit the gas, the dog flew in the back of the vehicle and my bf's head snapped back and hit the back of the seat) - I floored it and now I'm on Phil's ass doing about 85 mph down the highway, towing a 14 foot trailer with a full load of firewood on it.

Phil and I played pass-me-I-pass-you for the next 60 miles, making eye contact with every pass, smiling at each other. I'm geeked because we're both heading north and I'm hoping he's going somewhere up by my camp. I'm also curious to see where he's going, so I ain't letting him get away from me, LOL.

After a while, about an hour or so, we hit this town and there's a Burger King my bf wants some damn milkshake from. I'm like, "NO! We have to make good time, we're not stopping." He freaks out, "I want a milkshake!!" So I was forced to stop and get this damn milkshake - and I lost track of Phil that day.

When my bf got that effin milkshake, I tore out of that Burger King parking lot like Mario Andretti. The dog flew into the back seat again, the trailer's swinging (I think some wood fell off, LOL) and my bf starts screaming at me, "What's wrong with you??!!! Why are you driving like this? You don't know how to drive. Let me do it. You don't know what you're doing, I need to drive. Pull over. What's wrong with you? Why aren't you listening to me!!"

I drove the next 40 miles at about 100 mph with his mouth running the entire time, LOL. By the time we reached camp, we weren't speaking.

I come home and a week later - I find out - turns out, Phil's brother lived 2 miles down the road from my camp, LOL.

He was two freakin miles down the road from my camp - which is over 100 miles away from where we live.

Needless to say, Virgo and I were over at that point.

And the Phil situation continues to this day . .; January 10, 2013 at 9:56 PM
Peter said...: @Virgochick

Many men feel they need to work with on how they are as an issue of manhood. It's related to male pride in a lot of ways too. Every has had times when they need to retreat, take a look and rework something. As for pushing you away while he does it thats because he feels let down if he has to let someone in to "fix" him. As you said yourself he is insecure and angry. He won't leave you but he won't let you go? In my experience that means he its not you he wants,he just can't stand another man with you which is different entirey. I would say he is in the middle of working out that you not what he wants thats why he behaves that way. It's what he will have to work out himself and get squared away in his own head. The best thing for both of you is to end it. He needs time and so do you. More so for you because anger in the way you describe has no place in how a man should act in a healthy relationship with you.; January 11, 2013 at 9:12 AM
Anonymous said...: I’m loving this Phil story…….. God it’s awesome. I needed a “pick me up” and that sure as hell did it! LOL

Kay; January 11, 2013 at 9:44 AM
Anonymous said...: LOL, don't worry MOA...I have not met an Aries man yet who isn't attracted to the crazy! Whether they admit it or not (most will not)...they love the craziness and drama from woman. They could never be with a woman without it!

So the fact you might look wacko to him is probably working in your favor ;); January 11, 2013 at 5:13 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Ms. Mirror,

Girlfriends loved your story! We had i-m's going this AM for quite a while... but they say you agree with them, and I need to go to the store. Silly, silly happily married women. lol

Hell No.

Hell f'n NO!

Gemini girl is listening to her gut, and taking care of herself first and foremost. What a gift, what a wonderful precious gift.; January 11, 2013 at 5:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Oh ladies, I have close girlfriends and even guy friends that know me well, very well. And when they saw my behavior over this man, they were like, "What?!! You!! Crazy over a guy??!! Can't keep it together around a man. What!!"

It floored them. But it was like a train wreck. They didn't wanna look, but couldn't look away, LOL.

And over the past 7 years of this crap, I've managed to somehow gather my composure around him. I mean, I can at least form complete sentences in his presence now, LOL. And lots of my girlfriends that deal with Aries men themselves remind me that I've probably given him quite the ego boost from all of this.

Sigh.

I've never even revealed the story about the time I almost ran him over or the time I almost took out the payphone (barely missed running it over) at that freakin gas station over him. Yes, everything revolves around this damn gas station, LOL.

I was so freakin embarrassed about the policeman incident and the text incident that for a while, I avoided him like the plague. Well these two stories that follow stem from my "plague" era with him.

One day, I go to the gas station and there he is, right there in the parking lot in that giant freakin truck. (I drive a big Ford Expedition myself.) So I go to pull into the parking lot, see him standing there outside the door of his truck, I panic, and I make a hard right (after getting myself halfway into the parking lot already) and, tires screeching, I drive up over the curb of the gas station lot, come slamming back down on the other side, miss taking out the payphone by inches, (cars on the main road start beeping at me) - and tires screeching - take off up the road doing about 100 mph, LOL.

I look in my rear view mirror and I see him, still standing outside the door of his truck - frozen in place with his mouth literally hanging wide open - watching me drive away, LOL.

I know he was thinking, "There goes that bat shit crazy chic again."

About a week later, I'm cruising down the road (we live only two blocks away from one another) and I spot that giant freaking truck of his. He's up on the roof doing a roofing job at a local business. Across from the business is a McDonald's. So I get the bright idea to test him, to see if he'll "pursue" me. I decide to get a burger and fries in the drive through.

Cont . . .; January 11, 2013 at 6:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I get my burger and fries and I come screeching around the corner of the building because I'm excited to see if he came down off the roof. As I round the corner, the freakin burger and fries bag goes flying and all my fries dumped out on the passenger floor of my vehicle.

I pull into a parking spot, put the vehicle in park, still running, and I bend over and start picking up my fries. (I check before doing so and he's still on the roof.) So now, I'm head down, ass up in my car digging fries off my floor. I come up for air (yea, because I'm cool like that and very inconspicuous here, LOL) and Phil is now off the roof and he's in his truck - heading towards McDonald's!!

My little plan worked ;-)

But me, in all my brilliance, never devised a plan for what I would actually DO if he pursued me - so I panic. I swear there were red lights and sirens going off in my car and a voice screaming:

"Red alert!! Red alert!! Phil's coming, he's coming!! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!"

So I'm like, "Fuck these fries, this is a 5 alarm red alert!!" And I throw the damn car into reverse (I'm outta there, LOL.) I floor it and I'm screeching for the exit out of the parking lot now doing about 60 mph.

I come rippin outta the parking lot, tires screeching, doing about 60 mph onto the road - JUST AS HE'S ENTERING THE PARKING LOT RIGHT THERE. So now (it was like a slow motion action scene in the movies, ladies), we're facing each other and I can see his expression and there's concern like, "What the fuck is this crazy ass chick doing NOW?"

At that moment, THAT EXACT MOMENT, our two front ends of our vehicles meet and we nearly collide. I ALMOST HIT THIS MAN and only missed him by inches. He had to make a quick move to the right to avoid me hitting him. (Yes, Taurus the bull was plowing her way the hell outta there - CHAAARGGE!!!)

As I'm burning ass back onto the main road, leaving him in my dust, I look up at the roof where the rest of his employees are still working. Only now, NONE OF THEM ARE WORKING. They're all standing there, mouths wide open, with hammers in their hands - watching this entire thing go down - AND THEY'RE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY, slapping their knees and bent over in hysteria.

And off I go, LOL.

Yes, it's been quite an adventure ;-); January 11, 2013 at 6:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"Silly, silly happily married women. lol"

Yes, exactly, LOL!

I agree. If you can't pull this off - don't even attempt it ;-); January 11, 2013 at 6:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
I had to remove those posts from the site. Use the contact link at the top of this site and mention that there . . .; January 11, 2013 at 6:15 PM
Anonymous said...: How come Phil doesn't ask you on a date already? Do you think there's a reason?; January 11, 2013 at 6:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 11, 6:40PM,
Well most likely, he fears he'd be risking his life in some way by dating me LOL!

I mean, who wants to date the bat shit crazy blonde, right? ;-)

I couldn't tell you, really. This whole thing originally was started by HIM. He saw me one day in traffic and he gave me the ole' "twinkle wave" - you know - where you twinkle your fingers up and down.

At the time we were at a red light and I looked behind me like, "Who? Me?" LOL. And I ignored him.

Well it continued. He was a complete stranger that started waving at me in traffic. So I started waving back. (I even went to church for this man, ladies. He used to go to church every Sunday and I managed to figure that out - so I went to church. I thought the roof was gonna' crack open and lightening was gonna' strike me dead right there LOL.)

Then my girlfriend (yes the same fellow Taurus girlfriend that plotted with me over the infamous "text incident") got the idea that I should hire him to do some work around my house (he's a contractor with his own business . . . sigh . . . contractors, ugh). So I do that.

And of course when he came to give me a quote (I couldn't get him to leave, he was there for over an hour bullshitting with me and the quote took 10 seconds), it was like, open mouth - insert foot - out comes the ballsy Taurus bull girl ;-)

He mentioned a girlfriend that day (damn woman LOL) and I just blurted out, "You need to get rid of her." He was shocked and was like, "Why?" And I say very coy and sheepishly, "So you can hang out with me." *BIG SMILE* :-D

He almost giggled like a schoolboy (I think I heard his ego hit my living room ceiling) and considered it for a moment and then shook his head like, "Yea, maybe." And he just sat there, almost daydreaming, smiling away.

Umm, can anyone say "ego boost" LOL.

And that's how this whole fiasco started . . .; January 11, 2013 at 7:03 PM
Anonymous said...: LOL, ah I see. That's one thing I don't like about Aries men...they send mixed signals!

This is the very reason why I think they constantly have women swarming them. They know just what to say, give just enough of their time, and act in such a way to make it appear they're interested...even if they really aren't. They've mastered the art of harmless flirting, although "harmless" is a term to be debated LOL.

With every single Aries man I know...they absolutely LOVE the company of a woman, whether it's friendly or not. They can't go anywhere or damn near do anything without entertaining a woman's company. Even if it's for 5 seconds while standing in line at a coffee shop with a complete stranger!; January 11, 2013 at 7:31 PM
Aries CC said...: You are a godsend!! This makes so much sense. Actually found this right on time. I just started "talking" to a Gemini guy I met a few years ago but never dated. I've been playing it cool, never contacting first, and mirroring behavior. He's been consistent on texting daily asking about how I am how's my day and so forth. One day i figured I'd ask about his status so I asked if he had a girlfriend or dating anyone. He responded quickly with "nah babe" I said "oh so ur up for grabs huh? Are u looking for "her"? He didn't respond. He text the next morning "hey beautiful" he didn't answer my question. I'd like to know his intentions like u mentioned in one of ur other articles so I know if I'm wasting my time or not. I waited till later in the day to respond but didn't mention anything about it. A few days later he asked me out. I agreed but found out I had to work after agreeing. I text him letting him know and asked if I we could reschedule because I do want to see him. He didn't respond! 2 days later he texts "what's up" I didn't respond. Next day (today) he texts again "yooo?" I didn't respond. I don't want him to treat me like that so I felt the 3 day rule applied here. Am I right? Or do I not wait 3 days? When I do respond I was going to act like him "hey what's up". But I got a feeling he will as why I was ignoring him. My natural response would be something sarcastic like "same readobe u had the times u didn't respond to me" lol (I'm an Aries) . Anyway I like him and am interested in more. Seems he is too. Since its the beginning I want to play it right and so far I think I'm doing it right for once. Lol. Any advice for the beginning stages of meeting someone? Also do u have an article about Gemini men? I'd love to read it.
Again u have been amazing helping us "clueless" women (when it comes to men) its refreshing and gives me hope! Thank u!!!

Aries CC; January 12, 2013 at 12:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Aries CC,
Well, realize that you're dealing with a Gemini here, LOL. Gemini is the sign of the twins - duality. Gemini is also an air sign - changeable. So you're dealing with someone here that is very changeable and can have many different facets to their personality.

And Gemini males in particular are like a man of the street so-to-speak. Meaning, they have their finger on the trigger of all that is going on. Sort of like a hustler personality. And I've seen that go both ways (duality) in that I've seen the hustler aspect be both positive and negative. However, in spite of that, in the end, they want the white picket fence existence. I've seen one of the biggest hustler Gemini men I've ever known - I mean, he even had a name for his alter ego on the streets, LOL - I've seen him turn into the greatest father and husband - I talking like husband of the year here, LOL. But ten years ago, he was the biggest hustler I've ever known. If someone would've told me 10 years ago that he was going to be father of the year, I'd have laughed right in their face, LOL.

So with a Gemini, it's anybody's game ;-)

I think with a Gemini male, it's best to keep them on their toes. Hang back a bit and make him keep circling back around to you. Don't always be available to him immediately and don't always return those calls right away.

Take it slow and pace it out. Keep him interested by being unpredictable (as Gemini's can tend to be).

And when I read this, "He responded quickly with "nah babe" - I laughed out loud. The Gemini male I know that was a real hustler was slick like that, with all the terms of endearment up front like that. Gemini men can be like mobsters sort of, like "wise guys." Very charming, streetwise, ear to the ground, finger on the pulse of all that is going on kinda guys. And when I get together with that Gemini male friend of mine, all we do is bust each others balls. And I think he likes the fact that I can hang and keep up with his wit. Gemini men also have a thing for hometown girls. Women close to them that they can keep an eye on and pal around with, etc.

Lastly, I can't tell you how many Aries/Gemini pairings I know of. I mean, so many, it's sickening, LOL. In my opinion, Gemini has what it takes to keep Aries interested (drama and a tad bit flighty). And Aries love of adventure and big personality seem to be right up Gemini's alley.; January 12, 2013 at 9:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 11, 7:31PM,
Yes, I agree. If he wants me, he knows where to find me. That's the way I see it and frankly, either way, it doesn't really matter to me, LOL. I've gotten a ton of laughs out of the situation and learned some valuable lessons and that's all that really matters as far as I'm concerned.

And I can't tell you how many people have said to me regarding him, "Be careful what you wish for." Because if you ask around town about him, it always goes a little something like this, "Yea, he's a nice guy I guess. BUT . . he's successful and he knows it and he's not afraid to let anyone else know it either."

Translation: He's an arrogant jag, LOL.

A family member of mine met him once, not through me, but someone else. And this guy, this family member of mine, he gets along with everyone. But he hates this Aries guy, LOL. Said all he does is hit on everyone's wives right in front of their husbands and brags about himself. He annoys all the other men in the room.

So I realize this about him and just have fun with it ;-)

Chances are, if I actually dated him, I be running for the door in under an hour, LOL.

He does silly things to garner more attention from me too. For instance, on my way through the neighborhood the other night, past his house, he saw me coming, he was out front. I ignored him and as I was approaching his house, he set off the alarm on his truck. It was like, "Here I am, look at me, look at me!" LOL ;-)

I've dated many an Aries before and have many Aries male friends and honestly, they drive me nuts. I can't take the shenanigans and all we do is argue and bicker because I call them out on it. One of them always says to me, "Why do you always have to burst my bubble?"

POP!!

I see right through it ;-); January 12, 2013 at 11:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

So I wrote to you before about that guy I dated and then he faded out for a month and came back recently. Took your advice, decided I'll reply which I did days later. And you know what? suddenly he couldn't stop texting. I mean, I replied after three/four days and he sent another one straight away asking more questions.
I hung back, took hours (like half a day or a day where his was instant!) to reply. Then I got another one, and another one -and I'm just being polite and friendly and not even answering his questions properly. Anyways I dropped the convo and 'disappeared'. Before when we were dating I didn't play these games, the convo flowed and I wasn't distant. This time, I was distant because I feel distant!! I wonder if he'll try again - but it was very amusing. You date me, stop asking me out, then a month later expect the same level of attention from me without any proper explanation or asking to meet so we can at least have a proper grown up convo?! Are these guys FOR REAL?!! Grrr. I was so temped to say can you please just get back to me when you've grown some balls and know how to behave like a proper man, but I didn't :) SO WANTED to though!. I figured if he has the face to send texts and pretend, he should have the face to ask to meet - when he didn't, I bailed on his ass. You think I was too harsh?! hahaha; January 12, 2013 at 11:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 12, 11:04AM,
See - works like a charm ;-)

No, I don't think you were harsh. I think you did what you needed to do to protect yourself from getting sucked back in and used.

And chances are, he's scratching his head right now, thinking about you constantly, and attempting to form a new strategy. Perfect, LOL.

And I also think this was a good exercise for you for several reasons:

1) You're now in control
2) Now that you've practiced this and seen it in action, you'll begin to get much more comfortable with it in the future
3) You protected yourself
4) You kept your emotions in check

All very good things - I'd have to say you passed this little test with flying colors.

And once you get comfortable with this and begin to realize that much of this is normal for men and they many of them do indeed reappear after no contact and ignoring them . . you'll also learn not to take every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along so seriously.

You'll feel empowered, you'll begin to "qualify" men, you'll set healthy boundaries, and you'll be treated better by men that you use this technique with because they'll soon realize . . if they want your attention, they need to man up and act straight in order to get it.

So the flakes and players walk - and the real men get through the door ;-); January 12, 2013 at 11:16 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks MOA for quick response! I know I feel so empowered! It's great. I really liked this guy, but I LOVE me so I'm not going to let him get away with this. And if he ever asks to meet again, I will meet him because I really want to have some fun in putting him in his place and getting some answers but in a really non-emotional way from me. There's only so much you can pick up via texts and calls - when you talk to them face to face it's all there in their body language and eyes so I would just love to sit down and spin circles around his behaviour and find out what happened for him to just fade (though I have my suspicions, it's more just to pin point his motive for coming back). It's only going to go two ways now - he'll try again or disappear again. I know what to do with both, and great thing is - I'm in control with whatever happens next! Yeehhaaaa. Thanks a lot!; January 12, 2013 at 11:28 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror,

Could you write an article please on the aftermath feelings of the dumper and dumpee? What each could be feeling at the different stages of the grieving process?

I've been dumped and been in No Contact for eight weeks now (we were in contact after the break up for a few months before this eight week), and the pain is, at time, awful. I just had to stop shopping and come home and cry in private. I am not like this everyday though anymore you'll be glad to hear. As a woman, there is nothing I can do about it. I have no power regarding our relationship. I was dumped, I tried to get him back to no avail.

If I was a man I could attempt again. But no, not as a woman.

I feel bereft, missing him so much, and powerless regarding us being together again.

I also wonder what the psychological short and long term affects are of the person getting dumped, and of the dumper.

Is the dumper off now if he as the dumper is feeling all coy, and yes at times he may miss the person he dumped, but as he was the dumper, he's feeling really good about himself compared to the dumpee. It's got to have some sort of major psychological effect, the two different roles, for sure.

Whereas psychologically, for me, it's much tougher. Loss of face, loss of love, powerless in the relationship.

If a girl has shown a guy she really still wants him and he sees her pain is really really bad, is that likely to put him off coming back to her?
(This is what happened with us two. I was like cool for a few months post break up with him then suddenly it all came out and he was suggested we needed to go into no contact for my own sake.)

What I say is, if I had dumped him, beat him to it, would I now be feeling a hell of a lot better? I imagine I would as it's all psychological warfar isn't it during the aftermath?

I'm trying to move on, slowly am, but the bugger in in my thoughts alllll the time, that's a measure of how much I love him.

You care care,
BigHeart; January 12, 2013 at 12:44 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,

All this texting nowadays instead of a man just phoning you like the old days, is a load of shit, it really is. Texts that go on, and on, and on as a way they keep in contact.

A nice 'good night darling' text is cool. Or 'thinking of you, hope you're having a good day and your sports (or whatever) meeting goes well' is lovely.

But to text every night rather than talk every few nights? It's shit.

How do you get a man to move a phone chat? Or if they just text, aren't they that interested? A man who is INTO you will want to hear your voice. Am I right or am I right?

From Cat; January 12, 2013 at 1:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @BigHeart,
"If a girl has shown a guy she really still wants him and he sees her pain is really really bad, is that likely to put him off coming back to her?"

Yes, emotions scare men, they don't understand them and when they see a woman expressing them in that way, they begin to think, "This will be a ton of work and it won't be fun."

"he suggested we needed to go into no contact for my own sake."

This is because he couldn't handle the display of emotion and he saw that you needed to distance yourself in order to regain control over your emotions.

"would I now be feeling a hell of a lot better?"

That's hard to say, but highly likely. As women here in this thread have already discussed, the moment a man begins to pull away or distance himself - I think the best thing to do is disappear on them FIRST.

"it's all psychological warfar isn't it during the aftermath?"

In a sense, yes it is. Even if the parties involved do not intend for it to be that way. It just is what it is.

"I'm trying to move on, slowly am, but the bugger in in my thoughts alllll the time, that's a measure of how much I love him."

How are you trying to move on? Are you dating other men? What ACTION steps have you taken? Because sitting and dwelling in your thoughts and sadness all day and just staying removed from the situation simply aren't enough to jump start and propel yourself forward. Moving on generally involves dating other men.

I'm in the process of creating a dumper/dumpee piece. But as you can see, I don't just spit articles out here. I give the topics much thought first, which is why I don't write on this site probably as often as people would like. But I don't want to spit out crap articles, I want to produce pieces of value. So I spend time thinking, researching, meditating and observing others prior to creating a piece.

So bear with me, hang with me here, and trust that that piece is in the works :-)

In the meantime, I'd like to make a few suggestions. Be good to yourself, dear. Go get a new hairstyle, a new hair color, get your nails done, redecorate a room - do whatever you need to do to start the process of "change" in some way and to treat yourself. And start dating other men. Start having dinner with other men and spending time with them. Even if they're not a match, just do it. The attention will help your self-esteem and will give you hope.

And read this piece here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/12/woman-must-have-happiness-dating.html

Hang in there. You're already making progress. You just don't see it and you're not giving yourself credit for it. You've stayed away for 8 weeks, honey. Congratulate yourself for that and begin to look for the positives in a negative situation.

As for him and how he's feeling, it ain't over till the fat lady sings. I just had a woman comment on another piece here that stated an ex just reappeared after 4.5 months.

Never say never with men.; January 12, 2013 at 4:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Cat,
I hear ya. I feel much the same. Thing is, communication is communication. And men, as we all know, aren't the best damn communicators out there to begin with and this texting shit has given them the ultimate excuse to remove themselves from it. And honestly, I think it's screwing up their social skills as well. Because when a guy who is text crazy gets in front of your face, it's like he doesn't even know how to talk to you.

Sigh.

I watched a movie recently where a young teenage boy like a girl. An older man was with him and the boy was lamenting about not knowing what to do and the older man was like, "Have you tried talking to her?" And the young boy responded with, "You mean like, to her face?" The older man says, "Yea, to her face." And a look of fear washed over the young boys face.

I think text gives very insecure men the balls they don't have or that are buried in their apartment somewhere under all their damn video games and xboxes, LOL.

"How do you get a man to move a phone chat?"

Don't respond to the texts. Or if you do, simply say something to the effect of, "I'd love to chat, but can't keep typing at the moment, I'm getting something to eat ready. Why don't you call me and we'll talk?"

Or, "I can't text right now but I'd love to talk so why don't you call me this evening?"

"Or if they just text, aren't they that interested?"

This is tricky. Some who only text are lazy men seeking free and easy targets. Others are incredibly insecure guys that get goosebumps at the thought of having to make actual conversation.

"A man who is INTO you will want to hear your voice. Am I right or am I right?"

I would agree with this. I've read many things that say no, text is okay because communication is communication. But when I think back on all the men I've dated and which one's were duds an which progressed into more - it never fails, the men who PHONED me progressed into more. The men who TEXT me were lazy, flaky dudes seeking free sex who didn't want to lift a finger to get it.; January 12, 2013 at 4:44 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA- thanks for your response. You really have a gift! After ignoring his playful text, the texts keep coming- I have been busy at work and when I finally got the chance to check my messages, all of them were from him! What is wrong with these men? Now he is so interested in my life and what is going on..I finally threw him a bone lol and responded with something generic and he responded like I had said something so interesting (which wasn't the case)and he had more questions!. I think I will utilize your advice above and when I respond eventually, I will nip the texts in the bud and tell him he can call sometime if he wants to catch up. Maybe he will finally make his first ever phone call to me like a big boy. If not, so be it!

-Texan girl-; January 12, 2013 at 6:46 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror, From BigHeart,

Nice to correspond with you.

Regarding the dumped/dumpee piece - I absolutely realise how much sheer work and number of hours research you put into your articles. Your work is absolutely invaluable and of a high standard, that's why I come back, day in, day out. I was just meaning, could you put it on your To Do list plllllease, if you felt it was a good article for you to author to, and even if it takes you a long time to get round to it, that's cool, I wasn't being demanding :-) Also, you spend loads of your time replying to people on here! It's so good you're here. All us ladies in on a Saturday night. When we tell our men, 'hey we're busy that night' because they didn't give us three days notice, it's cool as we are here chatting anyways! LOL. Plotting, scheming, protecting ourselves and trying to make dreams come true!

As for him and how he's feeling, it ain't over till the fat lady sings. I just had a woman comment on another piece here that stated an ex just reappeared after 4.5 months.

Yes, but that lady didn't show hurt feelings did she? When does the fat lady stop singing, any timescale, lol?

Because I showed my pain on the phone to him over two weeks, and then I said: I will stop these calls and emails you know (as I felt bad for being a pain to him getting it all out) (plus it's a nightmare doing it on the phone and emails anyways, silly idea of mine):He said empathetically , yes, please stop them....and I interrupted, I will I will. He said, we should do no contact.

I thought he said that as he couldn't handle it but also because he cared about me and could see I was in pain.

So, sorry to delve deeper, but, because he has heard me in pain on the phone for two weeks, it's way way way more unlikely he will come back? But if he'd not heard my pain, my chances would be upped a lot?

Yes eight weeks is good isn't it! I'm proud of that. I'm mixing thoughts with some actions. I will give it a go of putting actions first now. I'm currently trying to buy a house in a new location, so that's all going through, fresh exciting start, no old memories here in this neighborhood.

I have been on five dates. I was fairly downbeat on four of them....and only one asked me out again...I didn't fancy any of them really, they sensed my downbeatness, but, well, it's too early to get in a relationship but yeah, having male company would help...although I find myself comparing them to the ex. Anyway, I guess the more I date, it'll get easier right and eventually I will find my spark again.

I can't fake happiness or attraction to a guy on a date if I am not feeling it, so I can feel bad I've been a shit date (although I think they were too so maybe they have the same feelings as me as how they went) but then again, if I met a guy who really rocked my world, I would feel way happier anyway talking to him wouldn't I.

From @BigHeart; January 12, 2013 at 7:09 PM
Anonymous said...: From @BigHeart

PS> I know what you mean about coming back and the work that would be involved.

As a hurt person who misses him, part of me wants to run into his arms again, but the other part (that main part) would be fairly serious and just listening if I met him. I would be like 'heyyyyyyy, how are ya? So good to see you again'. It would be awkward initially, and work for him to win me over again.

If a man deeply loved a woman he would work for it, but if he didn't, and it was a new level of love, well, probably not...; January 12, 2013 at 7:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @BigHeart,
"When does the fat lady stop singing, any timescale, lol?"

With men honey, I don't think there is a time frame. I just watched a man I know on Facebook post on his ex girlfriend's wall - they broke up 1.5 years ago - and he wrote, "I miss you!!!!"

And you know what she did?

No response. LOL ;-)

"because he has heard me in pain on the phone for two weeks, it's way way way more unlikely he will come back?"

No, it's still likely. But it's unlikely that that will occur anytime soon. With year or two long relationships, when they break up, I've seen many make contact again around 7-8 months later.

"But if he'd not heard my pain, my chances would be upped a lot?"

I may have just happened a bit sooner is all - like maybe in 2-4 months.

"Yes eight weeks is good isn't it! I'm proud of that."

Yes, it is good and you SHOULD be proud of that :-)

"if I met a guy who really rocked my world, I would feel way happier anyway talking to him wouldn't I."

Yes you would - and you would forget this other guy in no time ;-); January 12, 2013 at 9:34 PM
Aries CC said...: Thank u so much! I grew up with gemini's so I know how they can be lol. (My dad and sister) so u can imagine how growing up in my house was like lol
LOL "man of the street" I can totally see that. Both careers are in the public eye so ya lol right on point. I've only dated one gemini briefly in the past but we did have the most fun so I'm excited bout this one. I'll continue to take ur advice and do as I have and be unpredictable. So far I guess I'm doing it right... Because after I wrote u he continued to text me through out the evening saying
"hey are u ok"
"I miss u"
"I wish u didn't have to work"
"????"
"Babe u ok?"
LOL I had a good laugh and today I text back saying ya I'm fine how are u? Lol he wrote right back asking why haven't I been answering him. I simply said I just got busy sweetie. We texted back n forth for almost an hour then I stopped responding for a couple hours mid conversation lol it's so empowering having him chase me. I love it. So many times men have done this to me and it feels so great to finally be the one in control.

Oh ya! during our hour long text convo we actually talked about phone calls and texting. He asked me to let him know when was a good time to actually call me instead of always texting lol shocker. That's a rarity these days lol. I totally agree with u and cat. I wish we could go back to the house phone answering machine days lol.; January 13, 2013 at 12:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror!

I'd love some feedback on whether you think I messed up with NC/mirroring with my ex.

He's the ex I broke up with 4.5 years ago (we have a pattern of NC-ing for a few months, then talking a lot again).

He's been a great "friend" and was supportive when I was emotional over Libra Guy in September.

Then we started flirting, joking, engaging in playful banter every day... just fun conversation. (He's still attracted to me, but I'm not attracted to him.)

At the end of November, I asked him a question (about a friend's situation) - and not only did he NOT answer it, he replied with semi-sexual comment.

Perhaps he was just trying to keep it light/flirty/funny (or testing the waters?), but it was offputting.

I would have told him straight up that it bothered me, but I decided to try something different and ignore him, to give him time to think and regret what he said.

4 days later, I responded with a short, light, non-sexual one-liner.

He then took 6 days to respond, with an equally short one-liner! A definite mirroring pullback.

3 days after that, I asked him for help with something. I knew he could help, but he apologized and said he couldn't. This really annoyed me.

Then I went to Vegas. I just texted a simple, "Off to Vegas! Happy holidays" - and I was going to NC him for months.

But then, he sent me a "Merry Christmas Vivian" on Christmas Eve.

I debated whether to reply or not. In the end I did because ignoring the text would be rude, since he's not just some guy I've only known for a month who misbehaved.

I waited 2 days and texted, "You too [his nickname]!"

He hasn't replied since (17 days so far), not even to ask how I'm doing.

Now I'm wondering - was I wrong to disappear on him for 4 days after he made that sexual comment? Should I have just changed the subject?

At the time I was so turned off I felt that I should NC, instead of being honest about how it upset me.

Now that he's not texting back, naturally I miss our fun talks. And I am questioning if I should initiate, or would that make me look desperate?

Or should I let it go?

Also, he hasn't tried to ask to hang out (it's been about 3 months since I last saw him), and when I asked him out 2-3 times, he turned me down every single time. So it doesn't seem like he's testing the waters to see if we could hook up or anything.

- Vivian; January 13, 2013 at 2:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror of Aphrodite, your blog has been a godsend for me! Thank you so much for this invaluable advice, it's really helped me to process (and re-approach) my most recent romantic debacle. I would love to hear your input if you are so inclined.

The situation in a nutshell: met a Capricorn fellow in a play we were both performing in - I was instantly drawn to him, in an odd sort of "kindred spirit" way I've only experienced two or three times previously in my life. As it turns out, we get along famously, I'm picking up on some flirtation (though he warns me at first that he has a hard time opening up to people)...then one night the two of us end up talking until 4:30 in the morning. Seems like a good sign, yes?

Alas, the very next day we're chatting in a group (the topic is dating), and he blurts out, "Well, with the girl I'm sorta seeing..." Yup, turns out he had just started dating a girl the week before we met. Nevertheless, attraction is still there on both sides and my friends encourage me to pursue him (bad idea) because the chemistry between us is palpable. In the weeks that follow we end up having several other post-show chat sessions, many of which last until 5 or 6 in the morning (and yes we both have regular jobs). By this point even *I* can't rationalize it away or pretend the feelings aren't returned at least somewhat on his side.

The final night we spend together before the show ends, Christmas Eve, he brings a DVD of his over for me to borrow (obviously I couldn't watch it that night so I'd have to return it at a later date), flirts with me like crazy (including playing footsie with me and holding/stroking my hand) and tells me how much he's going to miss me, how close he feels to me and that we definitely need to meet up after the show is through. I agree...and then he goes silent for several days.

In true female fashion, I freak out a bit because I realize that he's pulling away (probably because of the quasi-girlfriend) and doesn't have the convenient excuse of the show to spend time with me. I also have a bad date with someone else during this time, which does not help things any. Thinking I have nothing left to lose, I text him at 2 in the morning to tell him how I feel. Dumb.

To my surprise, he calls the next day and actually admits that he has strong feelings for me too (he says it was something that was weighing on him for a long time), but at this point has been dating the other girl for a month and doesn't want to hurt her by asking me out. Then he adds, "I sometimes feel like if we had met a week sooner we'd be the ones dating now." ...wow. Not sure whether to interpret this as an act of cowardice or some warped sense of duty, but either way it ain't good!

Thankfully around this time I discovered your blog. I realized two things at this point: I'd been doing most of the initiating (he's always been the shy/introvert/beta type), and despite his admission, I could no longer justify the chase. He had made his choice, no matter how passive.; January 13, 2013 at 7:56 AM
Anonymous said...: After a last-ditch effort to invite him to a party I was throwing on New Year's Eve (crummy sentimentality!), I decided to give No Contact a try. He texted me on New Year's Day to say sorry for not attending, and to wish me a happy holiday, to which I did not reply.

To my surprise, he texted me 4 days later, on the 5th, to say that he hoped rehearsals for my new show were going well. However, he didn't ask me any questions or encourage a conversation. Again, I did not reply. About two hours later, he followed up by sending me a photo of a CD he had just purchased, which I had played during our first late night chat session together. I sent a very vague, unemotional response about six hours later.

I haven't heard from him since (over a week now). I'm not gonna lie when I say it's disappointing and heartbreaking to some extent, I don't recall ever having such a strong connection to someone in such a short period of time before (he has said likewise), but I can't close myself off to other opportunities that might arise, with men who are willing to take a risk and actively pursue me!

Oh, and in my experience they ALWAYS come back, like salmon swimming upstream. Stats to come...

-Vexed Virgo; January 13, 2013 at 7:56 AM
Anonymous said...: To add my stats to the mix (keep in mind I haven't done all that much dating in my 32 years):

1. Ex-boyfriend from high school, Scorpio, cheated on me and we had a fight over it that ended in a simultaneous breakup. Showed up on my doorstep about 4-5 years later to apologize. He didn't try to rekindle anything but we are still in touch to this day.

2. Second ex-boyfriend, Gemini, was generally crazy/possessive/jealous during our relationship and I broke up with him without any offer of future reconciliation. Showed up at my workplace (I had blocked him on my phone/Facebook/e-mail and he didn't know where I currently lived) about 8 months later to apologize and ask for a second chance. I said no.

3. FWB (my first and last), had a horrible falling out because he lied to me about dating another girl, which basically rendered him a cheat. Sent me an e-mail about a year afterwards to apologize and ask to see me. We actually did have dinner, during which he flirted pretty shamelessly. When he realized I wasn't buying it, he started ignoring me again. I told him to lose my number and haven't heard from him since.

4. Ex-makeout buddy (yes you heard right!), Taurus, wasn't interested in a serious relationship and ended up being hung up on his ex, so we parted ways. He ended up reappearing about 6 months later to apologize and ask me out on a proper date. I said no, as I had just met a fellow who I ended up dating for two years. However, he still IMs me on Facebook pretty regularly.

5. Swedish dude, went on 4 or 5 dates with him before he blew it (basically texted me in the middle of the night to ask if I wanted to come over and "get naked" even though we hadn't been intimate up to that point). Texted me a few months later to ask why I'd never called - ha! Told him off and didn't hear from him after that. Smart guy.

My most recent ex and I are still cordial and never really broke contact completely (though we both agreed to a short period of NC to get over the worst of it), so I don't consider him a part of this list. But in all seriousness, with the exception of a couple guys I met on online dating sites (and I only went on 1-2 dates total with them), they have ALL come back at some point. I predict the Capricorn I mentioned previously will be no exception - so, how long will it take him to come around? And, by that point, will I even care?; January 13, 2013 at 8:19 AM
Anonymous said...: From @BigHeart

PS> I know what you mean about coming back and the work that would be involved.

I wrote my post on January 17 at 17:05 wrong. It should have said:

From @BigHeart

As a hurt person but one who misses him, part of me wants to run into his arms again, but the other part (that main part) would be fairly serious, indifferent, melancholic and just listening if I met him. I would NOT be like 'heyyyyyyy, how are ya? So good to see you again'. It would be awkward initially, and work for him to win me over again.

If a man deeply loved a woman he would work for it, but if he didn't, and it was a newish love of only nine months, well, possibly not.; January 13, 2013 at 9:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Dearest Aphrodite,

I am in desperate need of your help because I seriously cannot see straight anymore.

Around a month ago, I (32f, Gemini) met a guy (25m, Pisces) on a night out. We hit it off, he spent the night at mine and I thought that was the end of it (he lives a 3 hour drive away). Anyway, I thought I would never hear from him again but he pursued me relentlessly afterward. He found me over FB and we started writing/texting each other. He was texting me really sweet things every day, like how much he missed me and how he wanted to come visit. I thought why not, so I agreed to let him come over for a weekend.

The weekend was fantastic, we got along really well and had a great time. He told me his last relationship was 2 years ago (apparently she cheated on him with his best friend), and he hasn’t had a relationship since then. I asked him why not and he said he’s simply not ready and afraid it would happen to him again. I was seriously impressed by the way he appeared to be handling it – he seemed like a really sweet & sensitive guy.

Anyway, when he left on Sunday, I was convinced I’d hear from him the same evening – even it was just a short text to let me know that he got back ok. But I didn’t hear anything from him – neither on Sunday nor the following days after. 5 days later (on Friday) – I texted him asking if he’d forgotten about me. He replied asking me what I meant. I didn’t reply back but later on discovered that he had changed his FB status – he’s now been in a relationship since Friday.

I just can’t believe he was so callous and found a new girlfriend 5 days after he left. I feel like everything he told me and everything I felt was just a complete lie/illusion. This has never happened to me before – usually I’m a pretty good judge of character – so I am just absolutely shell shocked. I really don’t know what to do/think/how to proceed anymore :(

Please help me.; January 13, 2013 at 9:38 AM
Gemini 50 said...: Hi Ms. Mirror and all the wonderful peeps contributing to this site,

Update on Virgo “practice.”

A bit of history first:
I met him at a work conference about 9 yrs ago… he was 50’ish, divorced for 2 yrs, and not yet remarried. (OMG! A divorced man that didn’t remarry within 6-mos, I was immediately impressed.)

I was living with a Sag-man (13 yrs at the time – and not happy, but stayed for fear of trying to do it alone financially).

Anyway, Virgo and I hit it off. I didn’t sleep with him, not even a kiss.

So Virgo and I communicate off and on over the next 7 yrs, w/him continually inviting me out to see him, but I wouldn’t go because he was 1K miles away and if I really fell for him, it would mean me moving away.

But, 2 years ago, I am ending another relationship (2-yr w/Aquarius) and decide, what the hell.

I go to visit, we both have a wonderful time. We sleep together, but he doesn’t initiate, so no sex (ugh!)

I fly back out to visit 3 months later, and this time I initiate sex… He gets taken care of (if you know what I mean), I’m left hanging. He makes a couple stupid remarks about sex (and makes me feel like a f’n whore) and I just take it. I now just want to get the F out of there and get home – but I don’t say anything!!!!

Until I get home, that is. I tell him what I thought of his comments, he tells me he was joking, and I end it.

Several months later, he texts me. Stupid me, I respond immediately.

He comes out my way this time, and I honestly thought it would be us just agreeing to be friends. (3 weeks prior I had started seeing Scorpio, and when things started heating up with Scorpio, I told him about Virgo, but explained I really thought his visit would be us ending it on a friendly note.) But, during his visit, Virgo is wonderful to me. He is respectful, attentive, and I can say, we truly made love. And I fell for him again.

After Virgo’s visit, I asked Scorpio if we could be just friends because I couldn’t ignore my feelings for Virgo, but Scorpio would not have any part of that. Scorpio was so cool; he didn’t fight or make me feel bad about myself (I felt bad enough for what I was doing to Scorpio), I just remember him getting up and leaving.

So, now I’m back involved w/Virgo, and we plan my visit out to see him 2 months later for my bday. I go out there and he is back to being a tight-wad with his emotions and behavior. WTF?? I try to make the best of it, and this time I confront him, we talk, and I think we make progress.

He comes out to see me 3 months later, this time meeting my son, and he turns into an even bigger tight-wad with his behavior towards me. Get this: We go to a fair and he’s smoking a really sweet cigar I bought for him as bday present. We are sitting in far back of bleachers and a guy asks him what kind of cigar it was. He tells him, and I pipe in, “I got those for him. Will you tell him how lucky he is?” The guy looks me over and tells Virgo, “That’s a whole lot of lucky.” You know what Virgo does? He responds with a “hmph,” and leaves me hanging. The guy looks at me and lets me know by his facial expression that he’s certainly interested.

I don’t get Virgo’s response at all, but I don’t confront him, I am so f’n tired of it. On our last day he is such an emotional lockbox, I freak out and try to talk to him, but he’s in “machine” mode… he can’t connect.

So, I end it (again) and ask him to stop contacting me at work. He’d text me once in awhile and I’d respond kindly, but it was just everyday vanilla stuff – all about him.

Until last week, when he IM’d me at work and I thought I could use this as practice; January 13, 2013 at 10:35 AM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued...

You’ve read what has been happening, and I never thought I would get the reaction from him that I have.

Now, consider, I am ignoring his texts, and only IMing w/him re: work stuff.

Friday morning he I-M’s me> Phone inop?

Me> I say good morning and don’t answer his question (because I REMEMBER FROM MS MIRROR I don’t have to explain myself to him!)

During the day we I-M about work.

Friday night he text me> Beer and Bath
(He knows I love my baths, and it was a hell of day at work on Friday)

Me> No Contact

Friday an hour and a half later> Chicken Soup tonight

Me> No Contact.

Saturday morning text > Good morning.

Me> No Contact

I go to mailbox and find a really sweet card from him. (Is this Ms Mirror’s explanation of “ramping up” I wonder?) Cover: This season brings with it the hope of new beginnings and new possibilities”
Inside: “Better times are ahead… and I’m wishing them for you.” With handwritten note: “I like this! Sorry I’ve been stupid! Merry Xmas Love ____, Happy New Year.”

Consider that I am “practicing,” on this poor guy, so I think this is the stage that I give him a break and respond.

I text him> Thank you for your card

He responds @ 5 min’s> Did you like it

I respond> No, I love it. Made me cry (I know, I know, I know. I slipped, told him the f’n truth and gave too much emotion – FUCK! But, hey, this is practice right? We are supposed to make mistakes to learn.)

He responds 2 min’s later> Sorry sends a message

I respond> ?

He responds> Just liked picture

This is where I feel myself falling into the old pattern, and feel like running away.
So I don’t answer.

Four hrs later, he calls my cell. I don’t answer. Then he calls my house. I don’t answer. Then he sends a text> Answer your phone.

A minute later he sends another text> well

Again, I am practicing, so I send a response 5 min’s later> Busy right now. Silly man.

He responds> Ok forget me

Me> No Contact

Another minute later he sends another text> Silly my ass

So, that’s where we are at with the practicing the No Contact rule and setting boundaries and taking care of myself.

And you know what I was busy with? The monthly bitch arrived (whoever named our periods our “friend” should have their “friend” every day for the rest of their f’n life! LOL) So I spent the day on the couch reading/napping. (My plans to spend the day with granddaughter were cancelled because she didn’t feel well, and the Salon didn’t have an opening for a facial, so I read Sextology – very interesting stuff!)

I don’t know how long I am going to do this practicing with Virgo… this poor guy has a long row to hoe to prove to me he isn’t going to act like a dick towards me again – and the description of him in Sextology tells me he just can’t help himself.

(I’m still hoping for Scorpio to reappear…); January 13, 2013 at 10:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
"Perhaps he was just trying to keep it light/flirty/funny (or testing the waters?"

Testing the waters ;-)

"He then took 6 days to respond, with an equally short one-liner! A definite mirroring pullback."

Absolutely. And this is just proof that men are in "game" mode 24/7.

"At the time I was so turned off I felt that I should NC, instead of being honest about how it upset me."

If you don't want to be involved sexually with him, then you did the right thing. You set boundaries. He crossed them, he knows this, and this is why he then mirrored your behavior in return.

"Or should I let it go?"

At this point, he's got the message. He knows this isn't going to lead where he was hoping it would - to sex. As a result, he's going into NC mode with you again. But you yourself said this is the pattern you two have had in the past, yet here he is again, LOL. So I wouldn't worry if he disappears for a bit. His ego took a blow here (rejected his advances), so he's retreating to regroup and lick his wounds. But chances are, he'll be back. Particularly since this is nothing new with you two.

"I asked him out 2-3 times, he turned me down every single time. So it doesn't seem like he's testing the waters to see if we could hook up or anything."

I think he was testing the waters - for free and easy sex, the "not lift a finger" type. And when you pulled back and set boundaries with him, he then knew that wasn't going to happen. Which signaled he'd have to try harder and work at this a bit - which he doesn't want to do.

Because when a woman signals a man needs to do that, it signals that he can't take advantage of her. It signals that she's onto him.

So he knew that if he did see you, he wasn't going to get you into bed right away. He knew that if he saw you, it would be like "dating" instead of "free sex" - and that isn't what he wanted. As a result, he didn't want to get together - because he knew he wasn't going to get laid right away by doing so.

Men are funny about that stuff. Particularly with women they've already had sex with.

For instance, I have a male friend who did this. He reinstated contact with an ex. They started talking and she made it clear they weren't going to be involved sexually. And he said:

"I don't see what the big deal is. We've already had sex. I don't understand why she just won't have sex with me again."

And when he realized it wasn't going to be the "sure thing" he assumed it would be - he disappeared on her.

She did the right thing there - she protected herself from being used. Because that's exactly what he had set out to do with her.; January 13, 2013 at 10:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA

How are you? Hello to the regulars Vivian, Gemini50, London calling…

Yes its me again (women in deep despair). I guess I am one of your regulars too, and can’t wait to read the problems and responses everyday, trying to open your page at work (hoping that no one sees me and that I don’t get into trouble !!)..

Its been 3 and a half months, and I never did hear from the guy that I dated for two months, after his disappearing act (with no explanation). We had lovely dates and I couldn’t fault him plus I never put pressure on him or showed emotions… but he just stopped communicating and asking me out for dates…

I was really down about it for two months, and was hoping I would hear from him but up until now never have.

I was hoping to have met someone by now (have been on two dates since) but there wasn’t any attraction on my side, but trying to get out there and get my confidence back.

I held out with the NC for three and a half months, but I unfortunately went into remission on Friday night and contacted him.

I was quite shocked that he replied “Hey, how are you?”. I left it to Saturday to respond , we exchanged a couple of texts each basic chit chat about work, holidays, Christmas etc. I didn’t want to get personal and ask about relationships.

In one of the textes I sent him, I happened to mention that I might start renting out my holiday home but it may need a few jobs doing on it first.

Well, I was quite surprised when he replied “Let me know if there is anything I can help you with in the house”…

I was quite taken a back so I responded “thanks for your kind offer”… and that was the end of the conversation.

I would have been happier if he said “fancy meeting up for a drink” but MOA can you tell me, is he genuinely being nice and offering help with jobs in the house ? Or has other motives. ? I am just not sure.. I want to believe he is a nice person and want to trust him.. Otherwise surely he wouldn’t have offered to help.

Do you think it would be ok for me to text at some point and say hey I wonder if you could help me as I do have some things that you could do in my house? But I don’t want him to think that anything will happen between us “not even a kiss”. I don’t want to go there, he would have to prove himself tome first.. As don’t want to get hurt again……….

But I would like to see him and he could help me with some jobs? Whats the best way to go around this situation ??; January 13, 2013 at 10:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 13, 7:56AM,
"He had made his choice, no matter how passive."

You're absolutely right. And there's nothing you can do to control the situation so don't bother wasting your time.

However, you ARE on his radar now. And if I were you, I'd disappear on him. Make him think about you and wonder what's going on.

That way, when this thing with the other woman ends, you'll be the first thing he thinks about :-); January 13, 2013 at 11:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 13, 8:19AM,
"so, how long will it take him to come around? And, by that point, will I even care?"

Well, that'a another beautiful aspect of no contact. When you don't blog things out of the water via a confrontation and instead, you just disappear - it leaves the door open and anything can occur.

You've already seen this. I mean, look at some of the time frames here with reappearance in your history:

"Showed up on my doorstep about 4-5 years later to apologize."

"about 8 months later to apologize"

"Sent me an e-mail about a year afterwards to apologize"

"He ended up reappearing about 6 months later to apologize"

"Texted me a few months later"

So as you can see, never say never with men, LOL - EVER, ladies.

And no contact is good for you too because, it gives you time to detach and see the man for who he truly is - without having your emotions and fantasy of him skew the reality.

So there's a very high liklihood that he'll return. And that could be anywhere from 1 month to 1 year from now, who knows?

But the one thing that is pretty much assured is that at some point, he'll think of you and if he hasn't heard from you, he'll wonder why - and that's when he'll return.; January 13, 2013 at 11:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @BigHeart,
"If a man deeply loved a woman he would work for it, but if he didn't, and it was a newish love of only nine months, well, possibly not."

Never say never, LOL.

Even when things are new and the man isn't in love, they still return.

Why?

Because it's like unfinished business. They begin to wonder what MIGHT have happened. What it MIGHT have been like if things had worked out.

And to find out, they return.; January 13, 2013 at 11:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 13, 9:38AM,
"met a guy (25m, Pisces) on a night out. We hit it off, he spent the night at mine"

Regretfully, there was a high probability of this happening because he was a virtual stranger, you did not know him or force him to prove himself to you first, via ACTIONS - not words. Talk is cheap.

"so I agreed to let him come over for a weekend."

Again, he didn't have to lift a finger here or prove anything to you - yet was rewarded for that behavior.

"I asked him why not and he said he’s simply not ready and afraid it would happen to him again."

Because he's a stranger and you don't know him very well and he wasn't forced to prove himself to you - you had no way of knowing whether or not that was the truth. Those were only WORDS, and again, talk is cheap (especially from men ;-)

"he seemed like a really sweet & sensitive guy."

He only seemed that way because of his WORDS. However, there were no ACTIONS to back that up as a fact.

"I just can’t believe he was so callous and found a new girlfriend 5 days after he left."

Honey, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but there was probably another woman the entire time. You didn't get to know this man before becoming involved. You didn't get the chance to hang back and observe his actions - to make sure that his words aligned with his actions.

He was a total stranger and all of your assumptions about him were basically based on his WORDS. And as we all know, men say what they have to say to be able to accomplish whatever it is they wish to accomplish - which is usually sex.

"I feel like everything he told me and everything I felt was just a complete lie/illusion."

Regretfully sweetie, it was. And this is the reason that I constantly STRESS to women that it's CRUCIAL that they not jump into things right away with men. That they make the man prove themselves first, by hanging back and gauging the man's level of interest and observing his behavior and testing to see if his words line up with his actions.

When you jump right into things with a stranger, you really put yourself at a very high risk of being taken advantage of - because you have not taken the time to feel the man out properly.

"usually I’m a pretty good judge of character"

Have you read this piece here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/how-do-you-find-a-good-man.html

There are MILLIONS of charming sociopaths and narcissistic people out there, honey :-(

" I really don’t know what to do/think/how to proceed anymore :( "

There's nothing you can do so don't bother trying to control the situation. If/when he resurfaces, you ignore him. You hang back and you watch him and his actions closely. You test to see if he's genuinely interested by ignoring him to see if he pursues you.

If he doesn't, then he was only half interested and seeking free sex. If he continues to pursue, then there may be an interest there and it was just that he was already involved with someone and failed to tell you that.

But still, even in that case, honey . . I think he's already proved he's a liar and that he's not to be believed or trusted.

Here's the last line of the article I referenced above:

"He’s a bad guy. He’s a liar, he’s a bullshitter and he’s a flake. And the last time I looked up the definition of Prince Charming in the dictionary, it didn’t say, “Lying, bullshitting, flake.”

He's no Prince Charming, dear. Cut your loses and move on. And focus on the positive here - which was, you learned a valuable lesson :-); January 13, 2013 at 11:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
LOL . . well this is excellent practice for you. You're learning valuable lessons here, increasing your self-esteem, taking control - and hopefully, feeling very empowered and good about yourself.

Yes, Virgo's are a tricky bunch. Their behavior can be "off" to an extent, because they live in their head so much.

But as you can see, having a better understanding of him now from the book, it is what it is and his intentions are not to behave this way, he just can't help it. Virgo's can be very mean and cruel, particularly the one's who are not working on themselves or recognizing their tendencies to be this way.

I think that "hmph" he gave you when that man responded the way he did was because he knows you can receive attention from other men, but because he probably doesn't feel good about himself (Virgo inner turmoil), he didn't want YOU to know that - for fear you'd move on.

So to keep you under his thumb and his control, he gave you a lil slap there. Which Virgo's can do. I've experienced it myself with them, so I understand that tendency.

And I imagine at this point, you're all he's thinking about - I imagine he's "consumed" ;-); January 13, 2013 at 11:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 13, 10:59AM,
" is he genuinely being nice and offering help with jobs in the house ? Or has other motives?"

It could be either one at this point and you won't know for sure until you have the chance to see what moves he makes next.

But you have to be careful here because you're the one that initiated the conversation - so he may interpret that as an opportunity for free sex.

"Do you think it would be ok for me to text at some point and say hey I wonder if you could help me as I do have some things that you could do in my house?"

You can do anything you like, sweetie. But you have to be careful and be mindful of the fact that you're the one initiating the conversation here - so again, he may interpret that as a green light for "free sex."

A man's ego won't let them interpret a woman pursuing them as anything else, LOL. Ever watch men with other men around women? If you study closely, you see a lot of this:

Woman: "Hi"

Man: "OMG dude, did you see that? She wants me!"

Woman: "Can you unclog my sink?"

Man: "OMG, she needs her pipes cleaned!!!"

LOL - you see it everyday. A woman says hello and a man thinks - bingo! She wants me. Again, their ego's won't let them think anything else ;-)

"Whats the best way to go around this situation ??"

Wait two weeks to see if he follows up with you on it and asks if you need help.; January 13, 2013 at 11:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Woman: "Hi"

Man: "OMG dude, did you see that? She wants me!"

Woman: "Can you unclog my sink?"

Man: "OMG, she needs her pipes cleaned!!!"

I'd like to elaborate on this a bit further too, so women understand how men process a woman initiating communication with them.

I've read studies that show that that type of thinking in men is very PRIMAL in nature. Meaning, it's been that way for eons.

Why?

Well studies revealed that men HAVE to think that their chances are mating with a woman are HIGHER THAN THEY ACTUALLY REALLY ARE.

Why?

Because if men didn't perceive their chances at mating as having a good chance to happen - they wouldn't make any attempts to mate at all.

As a result, Mother Nature would not see the species perpetuated.

So when you see men reading into every little single communication from a woman as an opportunity for sex - it IS what's actually happening. They ARE reading into a woman communicating with them as an opportunity to mate.

And it's all biological.

It's not a figment of your imagination, it's reality.; January 13, 2013 at 11:56 AM
Anonymous said...: GIRLS,

What the F&*£ would we do without Mirror? She's a God sent gift (possibly).

Three cheers for Mirror!

Hip hip - Hooray!
Hip hip - Hooray!
Hip hip - Hooray!; January 13, 2013 at 1:13 PM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini50,

I read your story....

Can I ask, why did you tell a Virgo he was a Silly Man? That's not very nice. As a Virgo myself, that would be hurtful to me. Watch your words with Virgo's....we are very sensitive to nastiness and we don't forget harsh words - EVER. I can forgive but I can't forget. I'm not saying this incident is that bad that he will remember it forever, but he was clearly trying to call you and you said you were busy, why not just say: Busy at the moment darling. (Then ignore him)

I always think playing fire with fire is a bad idea. I recently read these proverbs, and thought, I need to learn from them, so I have (It's been six months where I have watched my words). That's why these words are so powerful because they've been around thousands of years and people still gain from them.

Proverbs 14:1 ESV (adapted)
The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own tongue tears it down.

Romans 12:14 ESV
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

James 3:8 ESV
But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

I would also get the bugger to travel to you all the time as well, or at least 90% of it.... as I read a pattern that when he came to you, you had a wonderful time, but when you went to him, it wasn't so good for you...maybe something in that.

Also if he said Hmph, rather than Hmmmm, I would have called him up on it in an indirect way and said playfully, oi cheeky! (Benefit of hindsight, I wasn't in the room) but he may then have realised what he'd sound was rude. Maybe he thought you were digging for a compliment?

Oh I dunno, us women we don't half analyse everything do we. I guess it helps when we are not sure.

Well all the above is just my two pence worth. Ignore it if you like or maybe you might get something from it :)

@AnonWoman; January 13, 2013 at 1:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

@BigHeart here

Even when things are new and the man isn't in love, they still return.
Why?
Because it's like unfinished business. They begin to wonder what MIGHT have happened. What it MIGHT have been like if things had worked out.
And to find out, they return.

Answer: Thing is, it WAS FINISHED business as he ended it with me?

xxx; January 13, 2013 at 1:43 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Yep, funny, but it's the wrong one "consumed."

Virgo has been busy texting this morning -- he wants so much damn attn. (!!!!)

Maybe I should of explained, too, that after Scorpio left, I didn't hear a peep out of him again, and I stayed away from his workplace (my respect for him).

I contacted him about a month after the final-final with Virgo re: a car problem. I told him I knew I was an ass, but asked him if he would just look at noise before I brought to dealer so that I wouldn't get screwed. (He had said when he left that we would always be friends)

And now that I think of it, I think he knows all about the NC rule. I contacted him on way home on a Thursday night, he told me he was out of town and gave me name of reputable mechanic; and then he came over for lunch on Sunday (hmm... 3 days).

Since then, he was having everything his way. When I asked him to do someething with me, he was always busy or working. If I text just to say hi after a romp, I was ignored. That was until I called him on it, and he said, "I didn't get it til evening, etc."

I responded, "I understand we are all busy, but just an acknowldegement when you do get it would be nice." After that, I would receive responses, even it it was a day later. (But I didn't mirror his response times -- I was always available to him.)

When I joked with him once about his 2-week schedule, guess what happened? He went to a 3-week schedule.

I think Scorpio has been teaching me a lesson after what I did to him... lol.

p.s. The explanation of Scorpio is right on as well in Sextology -- unfuckingbelievable!; January 13, 2013 at 1:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Gemini50

Also calling a Virgo silly, is not good because we are the most intelligent sign and pride our intellect!

Unless you said it jokingly, like "you silly sausage ;-)" - we can handle that and would find that endearing.

@AnonWoman; January 13, 2013 at 1:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AnonWoman,
"Can I ask, why did you tell a Virgo he was a Silly Man? That's not very nice."

He wasn't nice first. You don't treat people that treat you poorly - with kindness. That's what women tend to do that permits men to trample on them. They let men walk all over them and say very rude things to them - but then they worry about the man's feelings. You don't reward someone who treats you badly by treating them kindly.

You reap what you sow in this world.

Why would she be concerned about the feelings of some man who disappeared on her, treated her poorly, and insulted her in front of another man that complimented her? It would make no sense whatsoever to have concern for someone's feelings - THAT HAS NONE FOR YOURS.

If you show concern for a man's feelings that treats you like that - then he WALKS ALL OVER YOU.

"Watch your words with Virgo's....we are very sensitive to nastiness and we don't forget harsh words - EVER."

So are you saying that it's okay for him to treat her like that - but not for HER to treat HIM like that - because he's a Virgo?

This is a man who has disappeared, treated her very poorly, took her for granted and insulted her in front of another man.

Why should she care about his feelings AT ALL??? When he has nothing but total disregard for HERS???

"he was clearly trying to call you and you said you were busy, why not just say: Busy at the moment darling."

HUH??? Why on earth would you call a man a "darling" that's been nothing but rude and mean to you? So he can think you're a doormat and think it's okay to continue treating you like that???

That's like saying to him, "It's okay if you treat me like crap and take me for granted - darling."

Why would anyone call someone that's treated them like crap a "darling?"

"I always think playing fire with fire is a bad idea."

The one's playing with fire her are the MEN. As you can see, reading through the comments here, NONE OF THESE WOMEN did ANYTHING to deserve the treatment these MEN HERE HAVE DISHED OUT TO THEM.

You get what you give in this world - it's called karma and it comes back on you 3 fold. When you give crap, insults and poor treatment out to others - then you can expect to receive crap, insults and poor treatment back.

"Maybe he thought you were digging for a compliment?"

Why would he think that when it was another man complimenting her - not her digging for a compliment from another man?

"The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own tongue tears it down."

Yea - and the same applies to men as well. And this man has used folly with his tongue on her.

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them."

And it is also written, Exodus 21:24 "Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot."

"But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

Yea - and he should've thought about that before opening up his with a "Hmph" when another man told him he had a good woman next him - her. He was rude, cruel and mean with HIS tongue.

"Also calling a Virgo silly, is not good because we are the most intelligent sign and pride our intellect!"

Insulting a woman isn't good either - but as you can see, he didn't care about that.; January 13, 2013 at 2:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @BigHeart,
"Thing is, it WAS FINISHED business as he ended it with me?"

If he didn't fall in love with you and never got to experience what that may have been like - there are times when a man returns to find that out.; January 13, 2013 at 2:41 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror,

Really? Wow. I have never heard of that before. He did fall in love but he/we messed it up, so he kinda got anxious and ended it as his feelings were all over the place from in love to not in love at the end to saying there was some love there.

With that extra information, do that lessen or increase my chances of a return to find out and have another go?

Maybe you're right and he might return to find out what could have been had he not got selfish.

Thank you very much Mirror,

@BigHeart; January 13, 2013 at 2:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Dearest Aphrodite,

Thank you so much for your help! I agree 100% with everything you said. I guess at the end of the day, I really didn't know him very well and was very naive about the whole thing :( It definitely hurts - but after reading your article on how to find a good man, I realized he definitely has a narcisstic personality. It was probably good that I didn't get involved any further. I feel sorry for his girlfriend!; January 13, 2013 at 3:01 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror,

I just didn't think he would have connected his punishment for being rude to Gemini50 with her comment days later, is all.

Totally no man should be treating a woman like shit and her being nice to him. Otherwise it encourages it.

I have used the darling comment before....so the man thinks I'm OK/not OK...then I just go quiet for ages and do not respond to him, drives them mad. I guess here in the UK it could be read as serious or sarcastic using the word darling so it'd leave him wondering.

Anyway, I'll leave this debate on this particular scenario now I think, to you!; January 13, 2013 at 3:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @BigHeart,
"do that lessen or increase my chances of a return to find out and have another go?"

It could go either way, honey. Only time will tell :-); January 13, 2013 at 3:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 13, 3:01PM,
"I really didn't know him very well and was very naive about the whole thing :("

Don't beat yourself up over it. Everything happens for a reason and good things can come from bad situations. And in this case, this was a valuable lesson for you. One that will prevent this from happening to you again in the future.

And that's a good thing :-)

"I realized he definitely has a narcisstic personality. It was probably good that I didn't get involved any further."

If you feel that he fit the profile for one, then yes - most definitely - it was a VERY good thing that there was no further involvement.; January 13, 2013 at 3:26 PM
miss_sunshine said...: Dear girls,

I’m so very delighted to see how this community of strong women grows every day. To me, as I mentioned before, it’s like a “school” for smart ladies and it makes life’s lessons not only easier to digest but also very funny. I have to admit it’s a great thing to see, hear and visualize the stupid things men do at times. But we, women, are ahead of them. I’m damn well sure of it. They’d better keep up.
We, ladies, are also very clumsy… I’m an expert at this too. So, Mirror, pretty much like your adventures with Phil, I’ve also lived to see some very unbelievable versions of myself. However, life is too short to take it seriously therefore I let those events remain very funny adventures.
I agree to LondonCalling!! The word should spread and hopefully more women learn to “play cool”. Especially since we, women, also educate the males of this species!!! lol! I mean I would be really happy to know that the men that we’ve left behind have learned a valuable lesson about how NOT to treat a woman. You get my point! We’re kind of responsible for teaching them how to treat women with respect. :-D If I ever have a daughter I would not want her to date the kind of punks I dated …right?

I would also like to share with you my opinion on another subject of interest to us, girls. Astrology, as we can clearly see, can be very misguiding if not used properly. For instance, I’m an Aries and, as you probably know, I’m most likely fiery, sometimes arrogant, I love to take initiative, I like to draw attention and I am very expansive. I love action Baby! … and YES, I am self-centered. Hell, sometimes I even catch myself thinking the Universe revolves around me! Yet, life insists on showing me it DOESN”T LOL! But there is more to a person than some general traits and random standardization. Never dated an Aries guy, but I can imagine what a masculine, rough and ego-boosted version of me could be like. :P somehow, everyone is different. I live surrounded by Aries women (my mom, born the same day – we are like water and oil- and about 8 girlfriends and colleagues) and we are all governed by Mars, but in a clearly different way. And that is how I see things about the others as well. Especially men. LOL Mars, seems to go nuts in their cases!!!

cont..; January 13, 2013 at 5:47 PM
miss_sunshine said...: cont..

The men I dated were mostly Gemini, 5 of them – all dual and full of talk talk talk and nothing consistant, one Libra, 2 Virgos, 3 Leos, 1 Cancer, 1 Scorpio and 1 Taurus (the coworker I started my stories with). I could probably fill pages with descriptions of every single individual but that is not the point. What these men had in common were Emotional Issues and all of them knew about these issues (they ALL mentioned them but from the victim position, very masculine indeed) but they somehow felt entitled to POSTPONE dealing with them. And I was ATTRACTED to them because they ALL mirrored my emotional issues. So to speak, they touched the right buttons with me. I’ve learned step by step to PAY ATTENTION to that! (the laws of attraction, Mirror! trust me, I’m on to those damn laws for a couple of years now)
Because, trust me, with this Taurus guy, I read tons of feedback from men and women about how the BULL acts and what he likes and what he dislikes and what he seeks. And in a way it makes sense in his case too, but no one will ever tell you what things will be like in your exact situation. That is why we need to build ourselves up (generally speaking), to be able to deal with every single situation that we find ourselves in. That is why, I find the feedbacks and stories discussed here a starting point of meditation about what we encourage around us.
PS: no significant update on Taurus co-worker. After +2 weeks of very delightful holidays, came back to work and he insisted on kissing and hugging for the new year. I have been cold as ICE with him over the last few weeks even before holidays. I still am. I see he is also ICY with me. no talking no nothing. I guess this is not my best attitude, because I have the feeling I send him this message: that I still care about him very much and that I am hurt (although I don't feel that hurt anymore). I ignore only him while I am having a visible great time with everyone else. somehow I cannot loosen up around him. I guess this is a complicated version of the NC rule :D

keep it up, girls!; January 13, 2013 at 5:49 PM
gemini 50 said...: @ AnonWoman

Thank you for your comment; this is all an educational experience. My story is still unfolding, so it ain't over til it's over; and it's all a process.

Why did I call him a "Silly Man"? Because he was texting my like a spoiled little brat and I was trying to give him a response that addressed his behavior in a non-threatening way. His constant texting with my NC was silly, and I told him so.

Let me say, I have had tons and tons of opportunities to be "nasty" to Virgo, but I have chosen not to be. I have chosen to address his poor behavior that showed NO concern for my feelings in a mature manner.

His apology to me demonstrates that my behavior has got him thinking... He needs to address his judgemental and higher than mighty attitude if he is ever to have a healty loving relationship with a woman.

In regards to you quoting scripture, I need to apologize in advance here, but that was a book written solely by MEN! My x-husband was a born-again about about 5 times when we were married. After we divorced, he did not support our kids, lied to get Social Security, started a business and put it in his 2nds wife name making himself an "employee." I could go on and on about his behavior, AND the fact that his CHURCH supported him.

Your propoganda for a submissive woman is exactly what the men who used to rule the world wanted -- be nice, don't judge, etc.

You know what that got women? Assaulted as children with nowhere to go. Abused as women with nowhere to go. Abandoned by men with nowhere to go.

My comment to the fair guy asking him to tell Virgo how lucky he is, was BECAUSE OF his poor treatment of me, and I wanted him to get another man's impression of what he had and what he was risking throwing away because of his behavior. I was not "fishing" for a compliment, it was an attempt to give him an electric shock to wake the bastard up!

continued; January 13, 2013 at 7:05 PM
gemini 50 said...: Continued...

These guys have been walking all over my heart and soul because I did not stand my ground and weed them out as Ms. Mirror is helping all of us learn to do.

How did you find this site? I found it out of frustration and typing into google, "disappearing man." Because I wanted to "understand" what was going on with Scorpio.

I have been clear here that my NC actions with Virgo have been "practice." I have not initiated contact, he has. He pops in and out of my life at his whim, WITH NO CONSIDERATION FOR ME, so I am trying the actions given in Ms. Mirror's article to see what happens... and have reported on them in support of my sisters here and to show that Ms. Mirror is SPOT ON!

Maybe Virgo's will put up with another Virgo's judgemental and self-absorbed behavior -- this Gemini will not. By my following Ms. Mirror's advice, Virgo has seen I am not a doormat, and maybe he has taken to a little retrospect as per his apology in his card.

And, please read my recent pieces again... when I went out to see him the 2nd time, it was NOT a good visit. The 1st visit was great, 2nd was not. 3rd was better.

His 1st visit here was wonderful, his 2nd was not.

Bless those that persecute you???? Persecute means to oppress or harass with illtreatment. Bless them? F that! Treat me poorly and I'm not going to stick around -- I've ended relationships with family members, false friends, and partners. My problem has always been that I've waited too long.

Since you've given me your beliefs, let me share mine with you: We are responsible for ourselves and what we create -- we cannot throw our errors on a fictitious character to erase our sins. What we do, comes back to us (how many fold, I don't know). Our life is a journey towards knowledge and grace and what we learn in this life is carried to the next (if we are lucky).

And that is exactly what Ms Mirror is moving towards with this blog -- knowledge and grace for all of us without judgement and plenty of girlfriend support and love.

Thank you Ms. Mirror! HUGS!; January 13, 2013 at 7:52 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA, thanks so much for your reply! Vexed Virgo here again...

"So there's a very high likelihood that he'll return. And that could be anywhere from 1 month to 1 year from now, who knows? But the one thing that is pretty much assured is that at some point, he'll think of you and if he hasn't heard from you, he'll wonder why - and that's when he'll return."

Agreed 100%. I should have noted that my question regarding how long it would take him to come back was rhetorical in nature. My past experience tells me he absolutely WILL! Take heart ladies...if you ignore them and carry on with your life, 99% of the time they will come crawling back. Unfortunately for them, however, this tends to happen when you're a month or two into a happy arrangement with a new gentleman. And by then you no longer care if they are in your life at all!

So, MOA, just wondering what your input might be regarding this particular action: my Cappy fella loaned me one of his DVDs (an expensive and hard to find documentary) the night before our show was over, but he also borrowed three DVDs of mine weeks before that which he has yet to return! He even made a joke about watching them very slowly so he'd have an excuse to come see me, only to then start giving me the cold shoulder a day or two later. Why would a guy do this if he had no intention on seeing me in person in the future? What could have changed in the course of 2 days? My friends say it's his way of having an excuse to see me if/when things fall through with the new girlfriend, and I'm inclined to agree, but it's still so frustrating!

Day 8 of NC and counting...; January 14, 2013 at 4:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi I'm in need of advise. I have been dating this 32 year old taurus guy for five months. He had a very intense relationship, went everywhere together and did everything together. He treated me like a queen, we even made future plans, met the parents, talked about marriage. The chemistry was just wonderful, we knew each other in and out. I'm a leo by the way. Things were great up until the fifth month, he became posessive, jealous and accused me of cheating on him, which was never the case, I am very loyal and I had a good thing going, after my history with bad relationships. So he was going on about me cheating on him and end up lefting me. Strangely, we still have that connection, we laugh together, cry together and we just would enjoy each others company. He also told me he loved me, but he is so darn stubborn. How do I prove my innocence. We still see each other from time to time and not either of us are in a relationship. I keep my cool, but the thing is when we are around each other you can feel that energy. I really love him, but I do not bother him so I keep myself busy. I never felt something like this, somehow my gut is telling me we are going to end up eventually. But the break up was bad, he still has tears in his eyes when he looks at me, and he will stare at me the whole time and when I'm in a company and he passes he will get all nervous and my heart will go all wild. How do I handle this situasion. Thank you in advance.; January 14, 2013 at 6:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vexed Virgo,
"Why would a guy do this if he had no intention on seeing me in person in the future?"

Because at the time, he did intend to see you again. But then he went home and he began to think about things. And when men do that, they tend to reach the conclusion that relationships and commitment aren't in their best interest, LOL.

No worries though. He'll think again, and come to a different conclusion in a while ;-); January 14, 2013 at 8:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 14, 6:57AM,
You can't control this situation at the moment. He needs time and space and when he's ready to talk, he'll seek you out.

Until then, be supportive and acknowledge him when he's around. Once he's comfortable, he'll be ready to talk.; January 14, 2013 at 8:49 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi, Mirror! I've been reading all the posts and your wonderful advice for people. Although you say you are not a professional or psychologist/counselor, but you make so much sense, understands us, and explain everything so well. And I thank you for that. I have a situation here and need some advice on how to move forward (or not) with this divorced Taurus man I met online. Please give me some advice. I met him early Nov 2012. He initiated the email online. It was brief but sweet, which is what caught my attention compared to the other cut and paste, long emails. We emailed back and forth for a week and he told me he was going to be away for a week to play golf at some location. So I thought I won't hear from him until he gets back. Well, I was really surprised when he texted me from his location and tried to call me. Unfortunately, I missed his call....but during that week, he would send me pics of him on the golf course, etc.

Ok..then comes back and we continue to text back and forth. I must say that despite how well we hit it off front the beginning, I've had many incidences where it got me frustrated because he would not mention to meet up and see each other in person or it would take some time for him to write return my texts. There were a few times when I just decided to not initiate text and stop for a a couple days and everytime, he would come back and initiate text if I did that.

We finally met up for drinks at the end of Nov and spent 3 hours talking that night. It was wonderful and I found him handsome and charming. ..a very nice and accomplished person. I felt really good after the meeting and he had mentioned before we parted that we should do this again next week. Then next week came...no mention of a second date...although we keep communicating on text throughout the week. So 16 days later after the first date, we had our second date....and he invited me to his house, which I thought was weird for a second date. I really expected a dinner at a restaurant. So second date went well and things got hot and heavy and I stupidly slept with him. I feel stupid now but at the time, it felt right. I guess guys see that way different.

After that night, we continue to communicate on text. He had a vacation trip coming up back home for a week and a week overseas so I asked him if he would be up to grab dinner that weekend. We ended up canceling because he was on a time crunch t wrap things up at work before he headed out on vacation. I was disappointed but I gave him the benefit of the doubt that it was the holiday season and he was going to be away for two weeks and had to wrap up stuff at work. He mentioned that when he came back from vacation, he would come to my city to see me. (We live about 40 minutes apart.)

While he was overseas, he posted a lot of pics on Facebook. He didn't know when my bday was but when he saw people wishing me happy birthday on FB, he sent me a text to wish me a happy birthday. On New Year's Eve, he even sent me a text saying Happy New Year on my time (with him being hours ahead where he was.) I appreciated that that he cares to do that. There were a couple of texts back and forth too while he was overseas which I thought was nice. Ok...so he comes back early this month. I really expected him to text me to at least tell me he's back. But nothing. I waited a day and still nothing. So I initiated a very brief text on the second day...he responded and flirted a little. That was it....that was 11 days ago!!! No texts...no mention of coming to see me like he promised before he left for vacation. That is when I started reading your advice on here for no contact...and I begin no contact 11 days ago. We are still friends on FB but I purposely dont post anything on there because I just want to disappear and see if he would come around to think about me and send me a text.

Con't; January 14, 2013 at 4:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Con't...

So my question is, dear Mirror, is this guy a player? And now that he had the cake and ate it, is he not interested anymore. By his texts after our second date, it still seems like he was still interested, although it doesn't take much to send a text from overseas to string a person along. :( I don't want to initiate at this point, after 11 days of going silent because I feel like he should and also live up to his words to come see me. I do hope that he still comes back around like you said most guys do at some point. I know he is a workaholic but I also don't want to always have to give him the benefit of the doubt all the time...after awhile it is just an excuse. I just think that if he can text me overseas, he can text me when he's back! Mirror, what should I do at this point? Continue to apply no contact or tap him at some point. Do you think he will come back around to contact me or is he gone for good? I still see him as active on the online and you have to assume these people serial date...although I myself am not like that. :( It is just weird because my gut feeling was telling me that everything was going great and this happens. I read that Taurus's are slow but I don't know if this is slow or gone for good. Please help, Mirror!! Thanks in advance!; January 14, 2013 at 4:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 14, 4:08PM,
"So my question is, dear Mirror, is this guy a player? And now that he had the cake and ate it, is he not interested anymore."

I fear that may be the case :-( You see, these scenarios are happening to men all the time in the online dating world. They barely have to lift a finger to get sex from the woman. I'm sorry, I'm not slamming you or judging you for that here, but I have to address it because this is where things went wrong I believe.

When a woman sleeps with a man too soon, it decreases her value to him. It also give him nothing to work for or be curious about. Because all of his questions have already been answered and he got what he wanted. Additionally, if that happens and the woman begins pursuing the man (initiating conversation), this tends to make the man pull back even further because now he's expecting her to want a relationship.

When dating online, you need to realize that folks there are dating other individuals as well. So he IS dating other women, that's a fact. And you should be, too. You should be dating other men right now as well.

"I don't want to initiate at this point, after 11 days of going silent because I feel like he should and also live up to his words to come see me."

Very true. Do NOT contact him.

"I do hope that he still comes back around like you said most guys do at some point."

He probably will at some point. It might not be for a month or so, but I imagine he will return. But when he does, you don't agree to go to his house and you don't sleep with him.

"we had our second date....and he invited me to his house, which I thought was weird for a second date. I really expected a dinner at a restaurant."

This was your first RED FLAG. A second date at a man's house or yours is a no-no and a signal that he's seeking sex. Next time a guy makes an offer like that - you refuse it. You simply say, "That sounds nice, however, it's a bit too soon for that. How about we go to dinner instead and save that for a later date?" Or, "That sounds nice, however, I'm not comfortable with that. I'd like to get to know you better. How about dinner instead?"

If he doesn't want to see you because you refuse an offer like that, so be it, let the guy go because he's only seeking sex anyway. Men on those dating sites have it WAY too easy, plowing their way through women there and not lifting a finger to get laid.

"I know he is a workaholic but I also don't want to always have to give him the benefit of the doubt all the time."

You DON'T give him the benefit of the doubt (don't be too nice here). Men make up all kinds of excuses like that. The reality is, he's on a dating site and he's dating other women.

"Mirror, what should I do at this point? Continue to apply no contact or tap him at some point."

Cont . . .; January 14, 2013 at 5:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: DO NOT tap him. Disappear and begin no contact immediately. And when he does contact you again, you don't respond right away. You respond a couple of days later and you mirror his behavior and keep him waiting, which will increase his attraction for you, make him miss you and make him want to see you more.

"Do you think he will come back around to contact me or is he gone for good?"

He'll be back . . when it's your turn again :-(

"I still see him as active on the online and you have to assume these people serial date."

Exactly.

"although I myself am not like that."

You should be dating other men right now. Do NOT put your life on hold simply because you slept with a man one time. Do NOT wait around for him.

"It is just weird because my gut feeling was telling me that everything was going great and this happens."

In reality, it wasn't really that great, honey :-( I don't want to make you feel bad, but in order for me to help you understand why that is, I need to go here. Because you see, technically, you really only had ONE great date. The second one wasn't that great. Yea, you had sex and enjoyed yourself . . but he wasn't a gentleman. He didn't treat you right, he used you :-( That's not things "going great."

Sit tight, don't contact him and just disappear. When he returns, and he probably will when it's your turn in his rotation of women again (I'm sorry) . . he'll be back. And when that happens, you don't jump on that. You wait days to return his calls and you wait hours to return his texts. That's how you signal to him that his treatment of you wasn't wonderful and that you deserve more - and that he's going to have to work for it if he wants it again.

Don't permit yourself to fall right back in and be used. Stand strong.

If he doesn't pursue, then thank your lucky stars because then he's a bonafide player who was simply seeking free sex without lifting a finger.; January 14, 2013 at 5:28 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi! This is Anonymous Jan. 14, 4:08PM again. Thank you very much for your analysis and quick response. I really appreciate it. I feel so stupid and doomed at this point...as if I've messed everything up for myself. I really liked him too! I'm just disappointed at myself for making the wrong move. I agree totally with what you said and I will continue with no contact. Yes, my biggest mistake was agreeing to go over to his house on the second date AND sleeping with him. I guess live and learn. I know not to do that next time with him (if he comes back) or with anybody else I date. With him already gotten what he wanted (sex), you still think he will come back around after a month or so? Why is that? Is that just human nature?

I also would like to know if I should just unfriend him on FB. A part of me don't want to simply because I don't want him to think that he has left me bitter and that I can't even stand having him on my FB. I just don't want him to think that he's played me and now I'm left sad and bitter. I want to at least portray that I'm strong and independent and that life goes on with or without him. What do you think, Mirror?

Once again, thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it!; January 14, 2013 at 7:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey @Gemini50 From @AnonWoman,

Your update on your story all sounds very cool and I understand it better now.

Hey, listen, you gotta protect yourself and teach this guy a lesson, for sure. I am totally with you on that. Because, you may be able to turn it around. If it doesn't happen, then you didn't get as hurt as you may have.

Because, I let a guy walk all over me (kinda) for three months (very long three months it was as I was out of work then too which made time pass slower) in our under one year relationship. It's still painful now when I think about it (which is a lot). Because, my instinct said to me: play hard to get, be unavailable, postpone the odd date, mirror when he doesn't call you for four days, make him blow your phone up when he comes back all ready but you be unavailable for a while and in-different.

I didn't (I was listening to a Relationship Coach and Tarot readers instead - I know, fucked up I am embarrassed and remorseful about it). I have deep regrets not only cos I lost him and he was the most exciting thing that ever happened to me, but I think I could have kept him loving me more for longer had I done the above and most importantly, I would not be in so much pain now with regrets and bad memories.

Hey, I was just trying to add my twopence worth, what I've found is, and learnt from, I listen to a few people but I make up my own mind. Otherwise, if you listen to everyone it can make you do stuff you don't wanna and it can fuck it up. I hope one day you may feel free to chip in with any advice for me perhaps!

Really though, you can't go wrong with being unavailable with a man. Well in my humble opinion, that's the biggest lesson I have learnt in love anyway when it hits a painful bump. Men try and catch you :)

I wish you well in turning Virgo man around and protecting yourself in the meantime.

Maybe you'll get swept off your feet by a complete stranger in the interim
;-)

Listen to this story: A guy born 16 April dumped my mate THREE times. The third time she thought: right I'm dating someone else now and she did. The dumper came back round again to her, this time she had a new man, and the dumper ended bloody proposing to her (wake up call?) and now they're happily married. Competition for that prize eh. Just imagine what may have happened if she had allowed him to keep dumping her....same old circle of heartache perhaps.

Not that that above example is a replica of your story, just a nice story (ending) I thought I'd share with y'all.

I'm glad you've found this site Mirror50. I wish to God I'd have found it this time last year, well, maybe like late March 2012. Truly. I hired that coach to help me with the relationship when it fucked up and I was in serious pain, coach didn't protect me with her advice. Mirror is all about protecting us with tough love. It's good. I normally do tough love but in that last case I didn't, as I say, I am still paying the dues mentally and emotionally now six months after we finished - it's still painful but I try to heal although it's been six weeks now with no contact so I finally feel our connection has gone. Before, I could feel inside what he was up to, even one night I dreamt something bad happened to him/he did something bad and yes that night he got so blind drunk and ended up missing his stop on the train home, was in the countryside and had to get a taxi at like 5am, I knew when he'd call and so on, not now, the connection has gone to almost vanishing point as six weeks is a long time :-(

I just don't like seeing anyone get hurt, because I know how bad it feels and how long that awful feeling could last - well not even the person who gets hurt knows when the painful feeling will go for good exactly, till the hurt feeling is gone for good.; January 14, 2013 at 7:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 14, 7:12PM,
Sit tight and he'll be back LOL. As long as you don't contact him...he'll wonder about you and hell be back.

Read through the comments here from the last two weeks. Women posted their stats here on how many men they dated returned versus how many didn't. And what we found was somewhat astonishing. The numbers were higher than even I expected....but somewhere around 90% of men returned and only about 10% didn't LOL ;-)

And that's a good exercise for you too. It will make you feel better. Write two columns on a piece of paper...one is "returned" and one is "never heard from again." Start placing all the men you've dated in their appropriate column...did they come back after a breakup? Or did you never hear from them again? And if you didn't hear from them again, was it because you pursued them after the breakup and initiated communication?

Then come back her and share your stats. I think what you'll find is that more come back than you think ;-)

So never fear...chances are...he'll reappear, LOL.

I like that, that's a good tag line here girls..."Never fear, chances are, he'll reappear."

When you feel crappy about a guy....just recite that to yourself ;-); January 14, 2013 at 7:32 PM
Anonymous said...: "Never fear, chances are, he'll reappear."

or

"Never fear, chances are, the mother fucker will reappear." ;-)

or

"Never fear, chances are, IT will reappear." ;-)

My friend in her 60s (wise), calls men "IT" - she said to me "When IT returns, you play hard to get and be indifferent, not cold, indifferent. You let him see you occasionally check out other men and it will stop him taking you for granted."

I was like, hell yeah! LOL; January 14, 2013 at 7:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AnonWoman,
No worries, were all on our own journeys here and each of us is carrying our own pain in our own ways. The important thing to remember though is...everyone here is making their own progress and learning their own lessons at their own pace...but are also here supporting one another and sharing as well. None of us will make our travels without getting a few bump and bruises along they way. But the good thing is....everyone's still on the road, and so far, has been able to back their cars out of any ditches they drive into, LOL ;-)

And yes, my goal here is to bring women together in an environment where they can chose anonymity if they like and feel free to "bear it all" so-to-speak. And the end goal isn't necessarily about getting the guy...it's about self preservation. Personally, I'm disgusted with they way modern men are now viewing women and their behavior towards them is downright abusive if you ask me.

So my goal here is to keep women standing, pick them up, brush the leaves and twigs out of their hair and off their clothes...and keep them moving forward. But before sending them off on their journal of self discovery....giving them the tools and insights they'll need to make sure they're never the victim of a hit and run ever again :-); January 14, 2013 at 7:52 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror, From @AnonWoman

You're spot on Mirror, spot on. I swear to God, I paid my Relationship Coach £700 when I hit my bad spot in my relationship and I went on to get 3 out of 9 amazing dates with him, the rest were painful as hell....against my instincts, she didn't protect me, you know the story :-) and I'm still regretful like crazy nearly half a year later still but six weeks after NC started.

It's getting better, I just hope it gets really, really good again in my life and I have a wonderful romance again, well a romantic true love that sets my world on fire actually. Maybe my ex had very mild Aspergers or something. He hid it well but did have some of the symptoms very mildly.

Anyway:
And the end goal isn't necessarily about getting the guy...it's about self preservation. Personally, I'm disgusted with they way modern men are now viewing women and their behavior towards them is downright abusive if you ask me.

I wonder if this is the case because of equality and lack of marriage nowadays? Like people don't value it and just sleep around so much. I dunno, people slept around in the 60s too....I guess maybe that's when society went downhill from that generation perhaps. Although the 80s was still great wasn't it.

I like some rap music but certainly some of the lyrics in some of it hasn't helped at all. TV has a lot to do with the decline as they Editor's like to push their agendas to get ratings. Plus online dating and online porn of course and how that industry has changed.

It is terrible. thank goodness you're hear to dust us down, help us lick our wounds and never get trampled on again.

Can you also magic me a new wonderful semi copy of my ex too please into my life? lol x; January 14, 2013 at 8:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Confused Leo,

Hi Mirror, me again (leo) that dated the 32year taurus guy. why would he mess up a great thing and accuse of cheating and then said I messed it up, we were together again yesterday and apparently some guys told him that I had a fling with two of these guys, WTF, I don't even look at other guys, he has and still has been the only one. Were broke it off in November, but still see each other from time to time, he can be the most loving person and then pull a 360 on me just like that, starting with this cheating business. I came to a point where I told him I don't care anymore, he can believe what he wants, I know I'm innocent and I will stand my ground. Will he change his mind in due time or what, that's a bit confusing. I keep my cool and got him a bit worried cause he told one of his friends I seem so happy and it is I have never loved him, his hurt, and all that crap. But why will he not believe me, I could have moved on but instead I occupy my time cause my heart belong to him. He acts as if he does not care but I feel him stare at me sometimes and keeping his eye on me to check my moves. Must I just leave the situation for a while or how do I handle this. I love this man and do not want to loose him. Advise please. And remember this is a taurus man, and they can be stubborn as hell and when they think they are right, their minds cannot be easily change. I am also right so I will not step off my point. But how do I handle and this situation.; January 15, 2013 at 1:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, Leo again, reading all of these posts really made things interested. The thing is, I want a bullet proof plan with this man. I have been doing the no contact rule thing, and I know that kept him wondering. Then disaster striked, I sent him a text and he was eager to chat with me. So we met on few occassions and yes we were intimate. I feel that that was a very big mistake. I don't want to loose him, this one is a keeper. Again this morning I sent him a text he replied back but still same old cheating story. I replied back and told him it does not bother me and that I am not going to ask anybody questions, I know what and who I am and I am proud of myself. I also said he must enjoy his day. Now I'm going to implement the no contact rule again. At least I know I have the self disipline to see this through, but taurus man can be so unpredictable. At least I know he loves me, I was the first woman he ever loved. But I need a bullet proof plan with this one. Please, please give advise.; January 15, 2013 at 4:42 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Anonymous Jan 14, 7:42 PM

With my next glass of wine, I will raise my glass and offer a CHEERS to your friend. Love it!!

@ Ms. Mirror,

I should have ended my last sentence to you not just with "Thank you," but rather "Thank you for providing us SOMEWHERE TO GO."

Virgo is still at it, like crazy. I still haven't spoken to him, it's driving him nuts. Texts last night over the course of an hour:

Virgo> Hi

Me> No Contact

Virgo> Well, you scared of me?

Me (referring back to old communications 6 mos ago)> Look back at old emails. I want a man who knows what he has when he has me and puts the effort into bringing happiness into my life.

Virgo> Will you stop and answer phone?

Me> No response

Virgo> All I can say is that I think you are a prize but scared me moving too fast. Old fashioned.

Me> I am sorry. Right now I don't believe you will not treat me like that again. I am seeing if I can be friends while taking care of myself.

Virgo> Ok you want honest? Well no one has ever cared about me like you and that scared the hell out of me. I don't know why. Been run over too many times. You are a good person!

Me> Thank you for honesty. That is the problem: You took out your fear ON me.

Virgo> Yes I am very sorry

Me> No response

Virgo> I can make it up.

Me> That would take a whole lot of effort I am afraid.

Virgo> I'm up for it.

Me> Why this change now?

Virgo> Let's call a truce

Hmm, Ms. Mirror, this is interesting. My actions taking care of myself, not being a doormat and using the No Contact rule equates to "war" (???)

Me> It's a legitimate question

Virgo> Smart enough to recognize value

Me> No response, and texts ended there.

I agree with what you have written Ms. Mirror: the time it takes these guys to acknowledge their behavior and come back is often the time it takes us women to heal our wounds and become stronger than the man who originally caused us pain.; January 15, 2013 at 5:55 AM
Alana said...: @Anonymous January 14, 2013 at 7:27 PM:

At what point did your friend "give in" to the guy who dumped her 3 times? ie how did she know that he was for real this last time?

--Alana; January 15, 2013 at 11:38 AM
Alana said...: MOA,

>So never fear...chances are...he'll reappear, LOL.

I've had some guys "come back" in the past, but they were always lukewarm the 2nd time around (and therefore never works out)... Is there a way to inspire them to pursue you with the same intensity they once did?

The reason why I ask is because, as much as I'm trying to move on and not wait around, it's really hard not to hold onto a glimmer of hope that Guy will be back.

Yet at the same time, I'm terrified that he won't pursue me with the intensity, consistency and ardour he did back in 2011 even if he does ever come back - which is what I really miss the most about him...

I guess it all just boils down to me wishing I could turn back the clock to 2011 and have things go back to how they were - even though I know there's nothing I can do other than move on...; January 15, 2013 at 11:50 AM
Anonymous said...: I met a guy at a bar. For a whole month I basically ignored him, exchanged smiles and eye contact. He finally got my number and we chatted for another month or so. He kept inviting me out to movies, dinner, his football games, anything he was doing he wanted to include me. But I didn’t want a relationship so I kept declining. After a while I finally told him I wasn’t interested in a relationship and if he wants just friends with benefits I was ok with that. So in agreement that’s what it was. First time hanging out was a movie and foreplay. Second time was sex, and third time was movie then sex. In between this time ( a month or so) he still kept asking me out. Finally one day he sends me a text saying he wants to talk to me about something but would like to do it face to face. (we have had some conversations about our past relationships, how they affected us, life changing events and life in general, nothing about the future. And two hours before he said he needed to talk to me we were planning another movie night, exchanged pic and he mentioned doing pic together…..which I declined). I sent him a simple OK text. He replied with “yea”. I started to over think……… fuck he wants more from me and im not ready for that. so I sent a text saying “look, my feelings regarding you are still the same, I don’t want commitment I want fun”. He replied “look, im seeing a girl and I want to see where it goes. I like having these conversations face to face”. I was so relieved…….lol. I said “really? That can be said over text or calling. Im happy for you =)” him- “ok”. Me- “it was fun, remember to always make her smile”. Him- “always”. That was it. Well 4 days later I get a “hey” text. I ignore it. 10m later I get a “what you doing” text. I ignored it. This was 2 days ago (oh he sent those text @5pm during a football game, which he knows I watch every Sunday). He was never rude, or disrespectful. He really is a sweet guy. He has more weight, not my normal pick for a fling but he grew on me. Hes slightly nerdy, kind of a goofball. Anyways my question………. I definitely do not see anything more than fwb, so should I ignore the texts forever or respond and potentially keep the fling going? Does he see more then fwb? I don’t want to hurt him. We got to know each other by hanging out in groups and talking/texting. Im slightly confused with how I should handle him. if I knew for certain he was just seeking sex then im fine with that, but he was burned really bad before so I don’t want to miss lead him.

Kay; January 15, 2013 at 3:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused Leo,
"why would he mess up a great thing and accuse of cheating and then said I messed it up"

Ugh. I hate to say this here but I have to. Every single time I've seen someone make accusations of cheating towards another without any real basis for the accusation - it's because they were "projecting." And projecting is when one person "projects" their behavior or thoughts onto another person.

Meaning, he's cheating (and feels guilty about it) so to "deflect" this away from HIMSELF - he "projects" this ONTO YOU :-(

"he can be the most loving person and then pull a 360 on me just like that, starting with this cheating business."

Another red flag of cheating - behavior that's changed on a dime, literally overnight and without explanation.

"But why will he not believe me"

He's looking for a way out.

"I feel him stare at me sometimes and keeping his eye on me to check my moves."

That's because cheaters always thing the rest of the world is out there doing exactly the same thing they're doing.

"how do I handle this."

Begin no contact immediately. Do not take his calls, do not respond to them or his texts:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And just another little FYI on cheaters. If you're suspicious that you're being cheated on - break up with the guy. Step back for a month or so - and you'll see "HER" suddenly step onto the scene - the other woman will come out of the woodwork and weeks later, he'll be dating her and claiming they just started dating.

"I want a bullet proof plan with this man."

There's no such thing.

"I have been doing the no contact rule . .I sent him a text and he was eager to chat with me. So we met on few occassions and yes we were intimate. I feel that that was a very big mistake."

Ugh. Yes, honey - that was a big mistake :-(

"I am not going to ask anybody questions"

You should. You need to start asking his friends what the hell he's been up to lately.

"At least I know he loves me"

He's not treating you as if that's the case anymore, so don't assume that to be "fact" :-(

"But I need a bullet proof plan with this one."

Again, there's no such thing.

You need to disappear and walk away from him. Stay away for a month or more and see if another woman appears on the scene . . .; January 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"the time it takes these guys to acknowledge their behavior and come back is often the time it takes us women to heal our wounds and become stronger than the man who originally caused us pain."

Indeed, LOL ;-); January 15, 2013 at 5:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Alana,
"Is there a way to inspire them to pursue you with the same intensity they once did?"

There's no sure fire way, sweetie. It is what it is and it all depends on how high their level of interest was in the first place. One of the only things that seems to light a fire under their asses is no contact (and no response), LOL.

"it's really hard not to hold onto a glimmer of hope that Guy will be back."

Even when they do come back, sweetie . . it's usually a month or many months later. So don't put your life on hold for a guy. Start dating other men.

"I'm terrified that he won't pursue me with the intensity, consistency and ardour he did back in 2011 even if he does ever come back"

If he doesn't, then he's not the one and you have to accept that and move on as best you can. Keep moving forward and try your best to distract yourself from looking back.; January 15, 2013 at 5:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kay,
"should I ignore the texts forever or respond and potentially keep the fling going?"

A fling is exactly that - a brief fling. The definition of fling as a noun is, "A short period of enjoyment or wild behavior."

It's short.

"I don’t want to hurt him."

That's why flings are short, LOL.

"but he was burned really bad before so I don’t want to miss lead him."

Which is why I wouldn't do that if I were you. Again, flings are flings. They're brief, short explorations. Nothing more.

And it pays to keep them short.; January 15, 2013 at 5:49 PM
Alana said...: Thanks MOA - I am indeed dating others but it's just hard to stop thinking about Guy/stop regretting the past. I guess I just have to stick with it...

Thanks for all your help and support! I really appreciate it.

-Alana; January 15, 2013 at 5:58 PM
Anonymous said...: To Alana,

At what point did your friend "give in" to the guy who dumped her 3 times?
ie how did she know that he was for real this last time?

Well, their story was quite unique. He loved her from the start to the marriage which took 16 months with the three break ups in between (when he ended it each time).

The only reason he ended it so much, was because she was 42 at marriage date and he was 33, and his parents were against him marrying her because she would possibly not be able to give their son his own biological children. So they influenced him (they wanted grand kids too), and I think he also began to question the possibilities of not being able to have children with her too.

However, he treated her well all along (bar the break ups), she didn't go mental on him, kept her composure for the main part, and she knew he loved her, but it was still very painful for her.

So there was never a question he never loved her or that he never showed his love for her (He is Aries). It was the age difference/children issue.

True love won over though and that's just beautiful that she got her man in the end and he didn't end up listening to anyone else but decided to make himself happy by marrying her.; January 15, 2013 at 7:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Alana,

What star sign are you out of interest?; January 15, 2013 at 8:00 PM
Anonymous said...: HELP me not lose my mind! I met a man when I was out of town and we had what I thought was a connection. He was dating and I was in a relationship. My relationship was rocky in the first place, but needless to say I asked my boyfriend for a break.

This allowed me more time to talk more to my out of town friend. We talked on the phone and he text. I knew that his actions were showing me he was interested in seeing what could be between us when he purchased a plane ticket to see me and set up events for a fun filled New Years eve weekend. He also told me he broke it off with the girl he was dating so he could get away for NYE.

When we met we had sex and I clearly knew that giving up the goods probably wouldn't led to anything, but we exchanged number. I told him it was ok for us to not get to know each other, but he claimed that was not what he wanted. So we spent everday super excited about seeing each other again for our fun filled weekend.

He came to see me and stayed with my for 4 days. We have a ball together. Took pictures, made fun videos, did so many things to have fun and enjoy each other. He seemed like he didn't want to go home. He paid for almost everything the whole weekend and I know he spent over a grand! The whole weekend we talked about me coming to his city and him making jokes about me learning more vegetarian cooking so I can cook for him.

He text me when he got back home and then he called me Wednesday the 2nd and we talked for over an hour. He mentioned that he may want to come to my city to study for his thesis and he thought I would be excited. But I didn't show excitement quick enough for him and he kinda got an attitude. After that he didn't call me for three days, but text me Saturday to say good morning and that he got my home address (to send me some money for something I paid for). That was the last time I heard from him.

I thought I used your advice to not be so available and didn't answer his text until the next day after those 3 days I didn't hear from him. I thought he was feeling so way about my interest for him so when I did respond I let him know that I was thinking about him. He never responded to my text. I called him the day after...nothing. I called him yesterday, a week late, and no response. But when I called from a number he didn't know he answered the phone. I hung up. What a freaking jerk.

I read almost everyone's comments and have read this article several times, but since I want to have my dignity and pride, I don't want to call him again to ask the question WHY???? Why have so much fun with my and then withdraw and ignore me. It is hard for me to swallow that he's no longer interested, although this actions are showing me he isn't interested anymore. I date many men and they all show me through actions more so than words their interest. But when the jerk disappears, I pay more attention to him than the others. I have spent this moment of silence thinking about all the red flags and realize I don't want him anyway. But it is eating me up as to WHY?. I also think is he just pulling back because he doesn't feel my interest. My thing is, I let you stay in my home and I organized fun things that he wanted to do when he got here. I'm not emotional, nor did I lead on that I want he should be mine. I just wanted to have fun with him and be "open" to whatever comes from us. I've always kept into perspective that we had sex on the first night. I just wanted to show him a good time with someone he thought was super sexy!

My question is, do you think he will ever call again? Do you think he's withdrawing because things got to heavy? Or he no longer is interested? I pray I don't get weak and call him to curse him out for taking to jerk roll to choose to ignore me instead of manning up and telling me he didn't want to deal with me any further just like he claimed he did with the girl before me. HELP; January 15, 2013 at 8:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 15, 8:43PM,
Well first off, he's insecure. Insecure men don't make good boyfriends, husbands or lovers. They need LOTS OF ATTENTION, most times from multiple women, and they are not "givers" necessarily in the emotion/intimacy department. And because they're insecure, their behavior can tend to become a bit bizarre.

I think what happened next is, when you didn't make him the center of your universe, he realized this wasn't going to be easy. Which is fine, that's the way it should be. But emotionally weak, insecure men won't work at something real hard. They prefer things their way and they like things easy for themselves.

And when you didn't respond to his text until the next day, he knew you were onto him and a again realized this wasn't going to be easy. He knew he'd have to work at this and prove himself to you...none of which he wanted to do.

So give yourself a big ole pat on the back....you just sniffed out an insecure player - and saved yourself from tons of pain and grief ;-)

Had you not done this...I guarantee he would've slept with you one or two more times...then disappeared on you. You would've gotten hurt much worse than you did her.

So job well done ;-); January 15, 2013 at 9:12 PM
Anonymous said...: @Confused Leo

As I read your post on here, I felt motivated to add a little of my own personal experience as your story is very close to mine, although mine was much worse as the guy (yes, a Taurus) was my current ex husband.
I am going to urge you to listen to what our dear Mirror told you as she is spot on about this one, and all of the others for that matter.
Men who accuse you of cheating without any reason or proof are cheating themselves and are insecure people. I have never cheated on anyone in my entire lifetime and that was all I heard from my ex. It was so unrealistic that it was almost laughable.
And let me tell you something...I wish to God that I would've found a blog like this years ago and before I made the mistake that I did of marrying the guy. In my case, the insecurity and narcissism were also signs of mental illness that he kept hidden from me. I did not find out about the mental illness until an attorney did a background check for me.
This guy is not a keeper. The way he is treating you is nothing even close to what love is all about. Listening to so called "friends" over you is the antic of a 12 year old, not a 32 year old man.
As a Taurus myself, I can also out stubborn myself and feel that if I try to be perfect then everything will be. I am learning, with the great help here, that I need to put myself first and do the things that I love and to stop allowing anyone to run over me.
Believe me, there are many more men in the world that will appreciate your efforts and love you for who you are.
I think that you are lucky that you have a chance to get away from this guy while you still have your freedom. After all, at this stage of "courtship" he should be proving himself to you, not being accusatory and making you try to prove yourself to him.
Believe me, please, that these sort of punishing behaviors only get worse, and you deserve the best.; January 16, 2013 at 7:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,

First I want to thank you because you really pay attention to every part of people's story as well as mine and give excellent advice.

I am the one who was violently mugged and my boyfriend did nothing to help me afterwards... I still have not heard from him which is killing me but I'm being good and not calling etc.

My question is this. If the guy is not a sociopath and knows he was wrong and was awful, does he still usually come back from your experience. Or do they think you're better with someone else and are too embarrassed and too guilty? Or are they afraid to confront you?

I know your theory and what you've told me is that my guy will likely come back. I guess I'm just wanting support. The incident happened Dec. 22.; January 16, 2013 at 9:41 AM
Alana said...: @Anon,

That is such a great story - so heartwarming! I'm so glad they got together in the end :)

>What star sign are you out of interest?

I'm a Cancer :) So yes, unfortunately, strong emotions and all that...; January 16, 2013 at 11:27 AM
Anonymous said...: PLEASE - REPLY TO ME.

Seeing the similarities of stories, makes me see that I am not the problems. Your articles and tips are great. So you have seen guys coming back even after saying "Never More", saying not even friends, saying no chance?

It happened to me 2 months ago, when him and his girl broke up their 2 years relationship.

During his relationship period, he would not stop contacting me. I tried several times to back up, cause I truly didn't want that situation for myself. When they broke up recently and for the third time breaking up, he called me to ask if I had sent her anything, and obviously i did NOT.

We were not even talking for 30 days, when he called saying she found out some stuff from him, including pictures of myself he had.

So when he called me to tell me what happened, he was REALLY concerned about losing here (yes, I am an idiot here. I was suffering a lot cause I loved him), he was ok on the phone. Not rude or anything, and he even mentioned about stopping everything with us, and if we were to be, that it should be right! but 2 weeks later when I called to check on everything, HE SAID WE COULD NOT BE IN TOUCH ANYMORE, EVEN IF HE COULD NOT SAVE HIS RELATIONSHIP, WHICH APPARENTLY WAS OVER. I guess this time he lost her. I am not sure yet. It was 2 months ago, and that was our LAST CALL. He said no more FOREVER. No matter what.

I did not cause it. It was his fault. They had a very turbulant relationship. Fights all the time. I dont think he was a MAN ready to settle. We are all in our mid 30ths.

Do you think there is a possibility for him to look for me again? I AM NOT going after him.

I miss him. We were in touch for 4 yearsand 8 months. We are far apart, but he became part of me. He knows I love him. I tried to stop all our online contacts, and his texts, but he never let me, and now he decided to turn his back on me.

Is it possible to get him back? We didnt have a fight! He just thought that was the best for him. SELFISH!; January 16, 2013 at 12:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 16, 9:41AM,
"If the guy is not a sociopath and knows he was wrong and was awful, does he still usually come back from your experience."

Yes, your chances of him reappearing are much higher if he didn't have sociopathic tendencies. Why? Because that means he actually has a CONSCIOUS. And if he has a conscious, he'll feel bad about his behavior - whereas sociopaths have not conscious and therefore, do not feel bad about their behavior.

"Or do they think you're better with someone else and are too embarrassed and too guilty? Or are they afraid to confront you?"

If they are insecure men, they may not be able to "man up" and do the right thing and instead, will simply run from it and attempt to avoid it, not having the guts or the confidence to do what's right.

I think he'll be back. However, in the event that he's an arrogant man and feels self-righteous towards things, he may not. And that's an issue of pride.

And if that's the case, and he doesn't resurface after this dismal display of manhood from him - then you're better off, sweetie.

Because a man like that will put you through MUCH worse in the future.; January 16, 2013 at 5:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 16, 12:44PM,
"So you have seen guys coming back even after saying "Never More", saying not even friends, saying no chance?"

Yes, I have. And most times, it's been because when they said that, they were upset and their pride and ego make them say something that they later regretted.

"Do you think there is a possibility for him to look for me again?"

Yes, I do. But it may not be for 6-8 months.

"Is it possible to get him back?"

If you pursue him or pressure him or chase him, then no. But if you remain calm and let enough time pass for this to blow over, he may reappear.; January 16, 2013 at 5:28 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Hey Peter pursuing Lady: Haven't seen anything recently from you -- Any updates you'd like to share?
Hope it's working out for you :); January 16, 2013 at 7:13 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

I'm trying to remain open about online dating and did the suggestions on your internet article. It's going well...

My question is - there is this guy 2 hours away that states that he comes to my city every weekend and he would like to take me out to dinner. His radius for meeting women is tagged at 500 miles, though! I just think that's a bit over the top and sounds like a player.

Most guys have it set at 50-100 miles. I get the fact that he's willing to drive here, but that's only 150 miles, at the most. Who would set their radius at 500 miles (but a player who wants to chat with women all day long) I'm thinking?

Your thoughts?; January 17, 2013 at 6:25 AM
Anonymous said...: just want to say thank you MOR for your reply, and thank you Vivian for sharing your story re your online friend. thank you to everyone who has shared their story. I find myself returning to this blog daily to read your stories and the replies and it's helped moving on that little bit easier each day.
scorpio80. :); January 17, 2013 at 8:39 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your take on my situation, mirror. When men are in game mode, are they as calculating as women? Like if the woman took 3 days to respond, do they think, "Ok hmmm I am going to take 5 days to respond" Or do they intuitively mirror her behavior?

"If you don't want to be involved sexually with him, then you did the right thing."

Good to know I did the right thing, phew. I am not sexually attracted to my ex (sadly, I never really was). He's 15 years older than me; he only won me through sheer persistence, honesty, witty conversation, and traditional courting.

We have a pretty dark and destructive history, and a bit of an emotionally addictive cycle going on, which gets worse when we're intimate. So I've tried to avoid that, but I can't help flirting back sometimes because it's lighthearted fun. :-S

"And he said: I don't see what the big deal is. We've already had sex. I don't understand why she just won't have sex with me again."

LOL, actually I sort of think the same way. I think it's okay to sex an ex...as long as they didn't break up with me, otherwise I'd feel pissed off when they attempt to make a move.

Did your male friend break up with his ex, or did she?

- Vivian; January 17, 2013 at 5:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 17, 6:25AM,
"Who would set their radius at 500 miles (but a player who wants to chat with women all day long) I'm thinking?"

I've seen 1000 mile radius. And yes, it's a red flag to me as no one really sets out to have a long distance relationship unless:

1) They're married
2) Travel a lot and want women in every city to hookup with when they're in town
3) Are incredibly desperate and willing to fly across the country just for a date; January 17, 2013 at 5:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
"When men are in game mode, are they as calculating as women?"

Even more so than women, honey. That drive for them to mate is stronger than you can imagine. Which is why women need to protect themselves from a "hit and run" situation. Men will come up with all kinds of crazy plots and schemes - just to get laid.

""Ok hmmm I am going to take 5 days to respond" Or do they intuitively mirror her behavior?"

I think it's a bit of both. When it comes to women, men are very instinctual and do things they don't even realize they're doing. It's a little gift to them from Mother Nature - to ensure perpetuation of the species.

And to further ensure their success at mating, not only do they have the gift of instinct, they then use cunning and deception and strategy to make it a sure thing.

"Did your male friend break up with his ex, or did she?"

She broke it off with him. And what's funny is, he brought this up again the other day. "I don't understand why we can't just have sex again."

To which I responded, "Dude, women can get laid whenever they want. They have the va-gi-gi. They can walk into a bar any night of the week and announce that they're lonely and looking for company - and like the Pied Piper, walk out with a line of half a dozen men behind them. Getting laid is a no-brainer for women. So if she can do that anywhere, with anyone, and anytime she wants to - why the hell would she do it with someone she doesn't like?"

He was rude to her, he deserved it. LOL ;-); January 17, 2013 at 5:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror-

So the saga continues. I texted previously about the Taurus male sending me incessant texts and I was selective in my responses (i.e. some texts got no response)and also took at least a day to respond. Well now he has cooled off and I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. Does this mean he has taken my nonchalant demeanor as not being interested and moved on? I have no plans of initiating any texts but wanted to get your opinion on this. Thanks!

-Texan Girl-; January 17, 2013 at 6:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @TexanGirl,
It could mean either or...his actions will tell you. This is how you suss out a man that's genuinely interested from one who's only half interested and seeking to use you.

Genuinely interested men increase their attempts, half interested men do not.; January 17, 2013 at 6:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks MOA for your answer on the online dating. He states that he eventually wants to move here and he's not purposefully setting out to have a long distance relationship. He loves the coast and wants to retire here, eventually. (He's 57.) In the meantime, he stays in his condo every weekend to be near the ocean.

It all made sense and I was having great conversations with him - and then I happen to see that radius of 500 miles and it just kind of ruined it for me.

I'm not sure I even want to meet him now. I don't want to start liking him if I should just stay away. (I have a feeling I'm going to like him and then my guard will get down.)

Thanks for any advice....; January 17, 2013 at 9:14 PM
Anonymous said...: I know I know………. this is stupid and silly. But I have BB on the brain. Today marks two months since our incident, or whatever happened, disagreement, text fighting. More like him venting and me letting him do it bc I knew I did wrong. At the time I had a few months of talking and “connecting” with him that was effecting me. And all of us ladies know that in the first month after NC you go crazy. You’re constantly thinking about them, investigating there Facebook or dating site. Looking at our phones nonstop in hopes they’d send a text. Well today feels like how it did the first week of not talking to him. it sucks. But it won’t ruin my day, and I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be very thankful that I didn’t cave. I’m truly not expecting him to contact me, why should he. I offered what most men think is so easy to get and when he realized I wasn’t that easy it pissed him off. What’s strange to me is now I feel the need to say sorry. Although he was always trying to get me to drive the distance to see him, he never offered to come to me. And when he did come to town he never contacted me. I def played hard to get but so did he.

And since I’m filling you in on him I’ll continue with the rest LOL. So the guy who I thought wanted more, I did text him. We had a very small convo, I made sure to distant myself. He asked if I wanted to come over for movie night and I told him I had plans, and that it prob wasn’t a good idea. He said ok and that was the end of the convo. Posh…….. I went out that sat with a group of friends since I didn’t hear from him. Ran into his friends but didn’t ask about him. Had a fantastic night (although he was on my mind) and didn’t contact him. He sends me a text on Wednesday (8 days since we last talked) “hey”(4:27pm). I ignored it, I’m mean come the fuck on, do you really think HEY is gonna get me to respond? Yeah back in the day when I was chasing but NOT NOW……. I’m making him work for it. three and a half hours later he texts again “could we meet up and talk sometime soon maybe” (7:55pm). I waited till 9:00am the next morning to respond “hey, I’ve been a busy girl. It was nice to hear from you. I’m running around today trying to get stuff done, you’re free to call if you need to talk to me but I’m prob not gonna be available for a meet up till next week”. He responded at 5:16pm “sounds good, but if you have some time id like to talk, wouldn’t take long. But if not ill call you later ok”. I then reply with 15m bc at this point im just annoyed that he would send that text and NOT CALL. I informed him that I had dinner plans with a friend and it would be rude of me to take a call and ignore him. I asked if he could give me a call tomorrow? He then said “I work till 5:00 so after that or you can call if you want anytime”(8:10pm). I ignored it. Now here I am. Thinking WTF! I’m not calling YOU. He’s the one who needs to talk to me so he can pick up the damn phone and make the call. Am I wrong? Now I’m just annoyed, why spend that time texting me about calling me, just call me.

Kay; January 18, 2013 at 8:51 AM
Peter said...: @Gemini50

I regret to say thinks are looking dark for me and this lady. I had to initiate NC and continue to move on in my life.

However I still want her and more importantly I want her to be happy. So if she needs time or space without me in it to get over any issues she can have it. I will keep the door open for her but keep moving forward.

If she initiated and she wants to move forward with me then thats good. I do so with the same dedication and care towards her as always. I wont let it be an issue just put it aside focus on her being happy.

I'm no way giving up on her the door is open but if she needs to do this then I will wait while I move forward. Life goes on. Just use the time to figure out a new approach to her. I remain determined if this is ever possible no matter what the small chance that I want to win her heart over in some way.

If it can't be possible then I will take whatever she says and respect it and her needs. I will always be there for her though as a friend if I cant be anything esle.; January 18, 2013 at 9:39 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror:

Well, now 2 generations need advice lol. My daughter came over (she's an adult - age 23)this AM saying that her BF has not texted her for 2 days and now it's getting awkward and what does it mean? I read her your article on "men disappearing", which I think applies to her, however, one difference - he has asked her to be "his girlfriend" and they are in a committed relationship of about 3 months. (He slipped and even said he loved her when she was getting out of the car one time: "See ya later. Love ya, babe."

He's taking a full load this semester (5 classes) and works, as well. (They go to different colleges, btw, but they are in the same city.) I know he's busy but he could at least say "hi" by text, she and I both agree.

Is he losing interest? I told her to mirror his behavior. Is a committed relationship any different than casual dating in how to handle yourself?

Thanks.; January 18, 2013 at 11:05 AM
Anonymous said...: I really like this article. You've really hit the nail on the head and I will take a lot away from it. But if I may offer just a bit of constructive criticism... the article is riddled with misspellings and improper uses of words such as your and you're. Good riddens should be good riddance. Was the spellcheck turned off? Because even in typing this, riddens is underlined with the red squiggly. Nothing debunks credibility and professionalism faster than an inability to distinguish between the two. And frankly it comes off as apathetic to not proofread and fine-tune your work. That said, I want to reiterate how much I liked the content of this article; I think you will and have inspired a lot of women to be more independent.; January 18, 2013 at 1:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kay,
"What’s strange to me is now I feel the need to say sorry. Although he was always trying to get me to drive the distance to see him, he never offered to come to me. And when he did come to town he never contacted me."

DO NOT apologize to this one. He was taking you for granted. He needs to apologize to YOU.

"He’s the one who needs to talk to me so he can pick up the damn phone and make the call. Am I wrong? Now I’m just annoyed, why spend that time texting me about calling me, just call me."

He's testing you. He threw that out there to see if you'd bit. It's like fishing, and he tossed his line into the water.

He needs to man up if he wants to talk. Period. Case closed.

But what he's doing instead is, he's looking to make things easy on himself and he's testing to see if you insecure enough to fall for it.

Don't fall for it. He needs to prove himself here.

And the reason he's doing this and thinking this is going to be easy is because of this:

"So the guy who I thought wanted more, I did text him."

He received communication from you, he perceived it as "chasing" and he thought, "BINGO! She wants me."

Which tells me, if it's easy - he'll sleep with you and disappear. If he has to work for this, he may flake out because it appears the only reason he's back - is because he thought he might get easy, free sex here.

Careful with that one ;-); January 18, 2013 at 4:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 18, 11:05AM,
"Is he losing interest? I told her to mirror his behavior. Is a committed relationship any different than casual dating in how to handle yourself?"

I think it's too soon to tell if he's lost interest or if he's simply distracted with other pressing issues at the moment. The best thing to do here is to sit tight, don't call and don't text. This could be a test. He may be testing her emotional strength to see if she's going to freak out.

A committed relationship isn't much different than dating. And when a man starts behaving strangely, a woman should always pull back on the man (keep tension on that rubber band). So if he takes 3 days to call/text her, then she takes 3 days to return the call. It will send a strong message and he'll quickly realize the tables might be turned and that if he wants her to be available to him, he needs to be available to her.

So she should pull back on that rubber band for the same amount of time it takes him to make contact. Flip the script and make HIM worry about what SHE'S up to. Men don't expect women to be that emotionally strong and when they are - men hear that message LOUD and CLEAR.

It also gives the woman control over the situation and the ability to distance herself a bit and feel empowered in the situation. No words need be exchanged - the actions will be heard and he'll get the message.

And when she does talk to him, again, no emotional displays, no words. Very clam, very upbeat - it REALLY throws them for a loop. "Hey, what's kickin? I've been really busy lately, but I thought of you. How have ya' been? What's new?"

LOL . . freaks them OUT completely ;-)

And it will make his head spin so damn fast, he'll feel like crap over the whole situation (because it didn't go as he had planned and because the tables are now turned and it blew up in his face) - and he'll be very unlikely to pull this shit again at any point in the near future ;-); January 18, 2013 at 5:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 18, 1:09PM,
Yes, I realize that and there's a reason for it. And that reason is - I like to be genuine and I like for that to come across in my writing style. I like to speak like I talk. I realize that the spelling or riddance is as such, however, when I speak that, with genuine emotion behind it, as in "good riddance" - I don't speak it as formally as it's spelled.

It's usually flies out of my mouth like, "Whatever. Good riddens" - so that's the way I prefer to spell it here, so that the emotion and inflection in speech can be understood by the reader - as if I were sitting right across the table from them.

I also use a lot of slang and I tend to even make up my own words at times, LOL.

But it makes me human to the reader, like a girlfriend as opposed to some politically correct journalistic type - which I don't consider myself to be here.

I'm just some chic sitting at home, conversing and sharing my thoughts with the ladies here.

"Nothing debunks credibility and professionalism faster"

I'm not a professional here nor do I claim to be. This isn't a business. I'm simply a blogger here. I'm not looking to brand myself as "credible" - because once again, this isn't a business.

I assume (and correct me if I'm wrong ladies, LOL) the women who come here to chat with me do it because they like ME, the personality behind the site. I don't drop a robotic, formal, journalistic piece onto a site and then bolt on them. I use slang, I change the spelling of words so that the inflection is understood, I swear at times, I'm very "human" here with them and I stick around and we "talk shop" with one another - they're not here reading the Wall Street Journal or the New York Times, LOL.

We're all simply here chatting each other up and sharing stories and thoughts and experiences with one another.

Like real human beings.

And as you can see, we don't worry much about professionalism here, LOL. We just keep it real :-)

Either way, I'm glad you found the piece useful in some manner - spelling errors, grammatical errors, the occasional swear word and all LOL.; January 18, 2013 at 5:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Christ, I'm dying laughing here. I made a bunch of spelling errors in that damn comment, too. I think I type too fast sometimes and nope, don't proofread the comments with all the typing and talking here - it'd take me forever to get anything said, LOL.

Oh well ladies . . .your, you're, YOU ARE - hell, I'm from Pittsburgh - YENZ are all stuck with me, LOL!!; January 18, 2013 at 5:30 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Aw, Peter, I'm sorry.
As Ms. Mirror says, everything happens for a reason, sometimes we just have to wait to see what that reason is.
Good luck with your endeavors, you sound like a very sweet man.

And for everyone else perusing this site: I tried the NC actions today @ work with a guy from another dept. I wanted him to recognize an error in a comment he made to me (without me saying a word) and it worked AGAIN!

I'm actually going crazy with myself because Ms. Mirror is right!! These guys know when they do things wrong -- we (women) are just always jumping in and announcing it and taking ALL the work away from them to own up to their actions. I can't believe I was never taught this earlier in life -- but I am so grateful I'm learning now.

Anyway, my dept works with this guy's dept on a couple things. I am friendly with everyone in his dept and he and I chat about our kids, etc once in awhile. I know he has an interest towards me more than friends, but I have kept it purely platonic -- I will not date men at work.

Anyway, we were IM'ing about a work project and then he asked me what I was doing for the weekend. When I mentioned the football game Sunday, he mentioned something about "not drinking too much so you're not taken advantage of, unless you want to be taken advantage of."

SHIX! My Red flag came up! He crossed a line.
So, I used NC and ignored the IM. Didn't respond, didn't do anything.

After about an hour he called me and asked, "So, what did you think of my last message?"

I said, "It was stupid." But not in a mean way, just in a "you're a goof" way.

He burst out laughing, and said, "really, you thought it was stupid?"

I said, "yep, stupid."

He couldn't stop laughing. I laughed too, and it ended on a good note with that.

DAMN! I wish I had known about NC years ago (or at least last year so I could have given Scorpio back some of his medicine... ya, I'm still waiting) lol; January 18, 2013 at 6:08 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA-

Nothing needs to be changed about your writing. It is authentic! We all make grammatical/spelling errors. This is not a forum for scholarly articles nor is anyone getting graded. Frankly, when I read through your articles and responses, the last thing I am thinking about are any grammatical and/or spelling errors, I am more concerned with gathering as much insight/info as possible to arm myself.

ps. Thanks for your last response. I am continuing on with No contact and thankfully work is keeping me plenty busy.

-Texan Girl-; January 18, 2013 at 6:18 PM
Anonymous said...: You know when you visit someone's home, some people consider it very rude to then start making comments about why the table is that way and why the curtains are that colour to the host - unless of course you are their mother/father!

Anyways, this is a blog and not a professional advice centre. MOA takes time to help all of us with her opinions. I, for one, don't care about silly spelling mistakes. Her writing style is just fine as it is. Keep going MOA! Great work.; January 18, 2013 at 7:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Wow... came to logon to see what mirror's advice for my daughter might be and right beneath my post was someone "offering constructive critism". This was not me (just so ya know) and I appreciate all that you do mirror.

To Annonymous: This is free advice, we are a "close-knit" community, and therefore since this advice isn't charged to us and we are the ones seeking her out and asking - - no one should feel the right to offer any kind of critism here, constructive or destructive. In fact, when you're friends with people (as we are on this site)do you say in the middle of talking, "Umm gee, you used that verb in the incorrect tense, btw."

That's what we have become here... friends/women (hell, even a few men) who have been wounded in one form or another and have come together to find out how we can deal with those who have blantantly disappeared on us and we wanted to understand why and what happened. As you can see, it's an epidemic - right down to my daughter who got broke up with today (by a freaking text message. A TEXT message by someone who is set to graduate COLLEGE this spring). Lady, this is how bad it has gotten in today's world of dating and we all found this site by way by a search engine (I presume)to find answers to our pain.

I am hurting right now (for my daughter) and I can't believe someone is posting about mispelled words. You have no idea what this is about and how close we all have become through all of this. Mirror has given us dignity and confidence back - in today's dating world of the narcissistic and those who feel entitled and just simply refuse to act like gentlemen.

And yes, even how to behave through the break-ups. As women, we are tempted to lash out, be emotional and have the last word when someone treats us badly. Today, I was able to coach my daughter on how to handle this break-up like a pro, thanks to mirror's information. And believe me, I wasn't worried about how many words she mispelled when I was looking for wisdom.

Thanks mirror. A hard day, but she'll survive.

Lonnie; January 18, 2013 at 11:21 PM
Peter said...: @Gemini50

Thank you, I really do think there is a reason I just don't know it yet.

It is making question how I conducted myself towards her. My mian question being did I project something unknowingly onto her to make her feel pressured or put off.

Since then I have been a lady comeback after a period of NC. However she told me to stick the lady I'm pursuing. She heard detailes form a mutual friend and only broke her NC to tell me to be patient with this other lady. I will have to wait and see where this ends up if it does end up anywhere.

Thanks you for your best wishes and if you ever need a mans perspective I am always happy to help and post where I can.; January 19, 2013 at 7:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonnie,
Well that's really too bad. Gee, and I was hoping she'd get to jag him off here a bit, too ;-)

I don't mean to make light of the situation, it is unfortunate and there is real pain involved, but when these things happen, it's best not to dwell in the pain, experience it yes - dwell in it no - and find any glimmer of humor in it if at all possible.

Okay, so now that we've established he's a jag off, LOL . . I think you know what it's time for.

CONSEQUENCES and NO CONTACT.

This boy's gonna' be forced to live with his decision here. So first, have your daughter read this piece to understand what I'm referring to:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

And next, have her read this piece to grasp the value of no contact:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

We all know that he's expecting her to call. He's expecting her to cry, plead and beg here. Naturally, you tell her NOT to do ANY of that here. She can cry when she's home alone with you. But in public, tell her "game on" - put her game face on. No show of emotion and if he attempts to communicate with her - he hears silence, nothing but crickets chirping off in the distance - for 30 days.

Lastly, this piece will come in handy for her to read as well:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/dumper-dumpee-dating-help-break-up.html

That piece there again stresses the need for no contact. Pay particular attention to the story that the first commenter there left. If your daughter wants any hope of reconciliation here (given that he wasn't cheating that is), then she needs to go no contact for 30 days.

No text, no calls, no responses, no Facebook, no nothing. And normally, I wouldn't suggest this, but tell her to block him today on all social media. He's not getting one damn peek into her life right now, nothing, nada - and she doesn't need to be exposed to what he may be up to right now.

Tell her to go on "lock down" here for 30 days. This will also give her plenty of time to heal and distance herself from the situation so that she can recover properly and in a healthy manner.

She's not to speak to friends about him, no questions, no prying and if her friends start discussing him, she should just change the subject.

The point here to to make it appear, at least in public, that she could care less about what just happened. Because we don't want anything getting back to him that would make him think she's sitting at home, upset over him.

No contact, 30 days. Only consequences.

And let's sit back and wait and see what this jag does and go from there.

I don't know your daughters name, but welcome her to out little community here. She's welcome to begin commenting and sharing if she'd like. She's obviously not alone right now and I'm sure that there are many women here that would be more than willing to lend their support to her right now.

So Lonnie's daughter - welcome to the tribe :-)

And hang in there . . it ain't over till the fat lady sings - and right now, she's not singing, she's eating Twinkies ;-); January 19, 2013 at 8:40 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I really like the sensible advice that you give on your site and I was wondering if you could help me. I have a friend that moved cities and we have drifted in and out of contact. He has basically told me I can bug him any time. I humored him once, but havent written to him since (around 3 months). He is away from FB, as am I. His birthday is coming up and on my birthday last year, he send me a gift. The only thing is that I didnt like the fact that he stated that he was reciprocating for the present I had send him for his birthday. I dont want him to feel any pressure in sending me anything out of obligation but would it be ok just to wish him?
Birthday Wish; January 19, 2013 at 8:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 19, 8:42AM,
Well that depends. Has he been rude to you in the past? Has he disappeared on you in an ignorant manner?

If the answer is yes, then you send nothing and you do not with him a happy birthday.

If he hasn't been an ignorant man in any way to you, then you can wish him a happy birthday, but do not send a gift this time.

However, if she wants his attention, NOT sending ANYTHING may be what gets it. Because he's probably EXPECTING something or to hear from you.

If he receives nothing and doesn't hear from you, it's possible that this may get his attention.

I did that this year during the holidays. There's a guy I used to include in my Christmas card list for the past few years. The only reason he was included in the list was because even though we dated, I didn't want a relationship with him, I only considered him a friend. And I send my friends Christmas cards.

And guess what girls? Yea, he was an friggin Aries, LOL. End of March Aries.

But again, I thought I made it pretty clear to him, friends only. So I would send him a Christmas card each year since nothing else was in the works there.

Well this year, I flaked out and didn't send any Christmas cards to anyone. I was very busy this holiday.

And you know what? Two days after the new year, I got a friend request from him on a social media site (not Facebook). I was like, "Oh lordy, what's this now."

I waited 3 days before accepting it. When I checked out his profile there, I was his 3rd friend there. Did he create a profile there as an excuse to "remind" me he existed this holiday so he could friend request me there? Who knows, LOL. I'm like, "Whatever" and I move on.

That was a couple weeks ago. We are friends on Facebook but he hasn't posted in MONTHS. Well last night, I go to check out my feed, and BAM, there he is. He posted an image.

But what was interesting is that this image made reference to something that directly relates to me via a bad habit that I have, LOL.

So basically, he EXPECTED his card this year and when he didn't get it, he "tapped" me on a different social media channel to "remind" me that he existed. When that didn't work and he couldn't prompt a response out of me from it, two weeks later, after 3 months of silence on FB from him, he posts this picture and makes reference to my bad habit.

It's like, "Hey, I'm here. Oh, I see, you're ignoring me. Okay, well take this!!!"

LOL . . silly man. He's taking vague "jabs" at me now on FB - in typical Aries warrior "Ignore me and I'll just pick a fight with you instead" fashion ;-)

Personally, I can't wait to see what he tries next . . I can really give an Aries a run for their money, LOL!!

But my point is, this is another example of how you get their attention, even when you're not trying to - when you do NOTHING AT ALL ;-); January 19, 2013 at 9:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And might I add, ladies . . that this Aries man that is now acting up on FB - he just moved a woman into his home in October 2012. I'm not positive, but I think they started dating sometime last Spring maybe.

So why he's so damn ticked over no Christmas card is beyond me. You would think he's got other more important things to worry about, right?

But no, he's upset he's not getting the loads of attention he feels he deserves - live in girlfriend and all.

Sigh. . . LOL. It's actually entertaining. I'm waiting to see what rabbit he pulls out of his hat next.; January 19, 2013 at 9:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Lol my friend is the same...he often taps me and post something that reminds me of a conversation I have had with him in the past or does something deliberately that he knows annoys me. I thought I was just imagining things!
My friend was neglectful to me once. He disappeared and I didnt contact him and he came back on his own. I think he has feelings for me but is skirting around the issue. He has asked me on group dates (I refused each time). He has asked my views about marriage, house, kids in vague terms (I get sweaty at the thought of commitment lol and I thought he asked me just to get a kick out of seeing my reaction). I am pretty sure he expects to hear from me, as you said. I think if I wish him, he wont see it as a friendly gesture but me wanting more. I wont wish him and see if he comes clean about his interest...or he will start taking jabs again or going on a roundabout manner!
Seriously, guys confuse me :/
Thanks for your advice mirror :), Birthday Wish; January 19, 2013 at 9:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror,

If you could turn the clock back and be with any man of yours, dated or otherwise, what star sign would he be? I was in a restaurant tonight, and I looked at this young married couple holding hands across the dinner table. This woman had the look of love, big time, I was emotionally taken aback. I reminded me of the look I used to give my ex (aries). Was a bit painful to watch because I am no longer with him, but at the same time, it was a longing that one day I will have that again, with him or a new man.

Love,
Snow; January 19, 2013 at 5:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Snow,
Well for me, the guy was a Pisces. The one that got away (err. . well, I actually swatted him away - twice . . ugh, LOL).

He was a good man and I was used to dating assholes. So when this good guy came along, to be honest, I couldn't recognize him for what he was and I made a foolish mistake.; January 19, 2013 at 5:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

Actually, that Scorpio guy I dated that I wrote the letter to to which he responded to one year later on a text, two weeks after I deleted him off Facebook? You've just reminded me, it was his birthday that week also when he wrote me but I didn't bother sending him a birthday message this year.; January 19, 2013 at 5:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Wow girl, i think this is the best peace of advice i have ever read. Ok, like all women i have a problem and i really need advice.
So i have been dating this guy for almost 2 years, we talk abt our future, he plans things with me, if i don't agree he never goes ahead, even if it has to do with his businesses.
The problem i have with him is that he out of the country at the moment and he has not called me for a week now. The last time he called i told spoke to him abt his not calling often & he still doing what i asked him not to do. Now am thinking of not picking up his calls when he feels like calling me, i guess if he can't get my words i shld try actions. What do u think?; January 19, 2013 at 5:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 19, 5:59,
You got it. If he takes a week to call, you can take a week to return that call. Mirror his behavior to stop him from taking it for granted that you'll be available to him when he does call.

Make HIM worry about YOU ;-); January 19, 2013 at 6:29 PM
Anonymous said...: BB..... Im not contacting him. But I do see where his anger came from. I started to show signs of wanting more and he kept pulling back, the longest he dissapeared for was two weeks. Then after another two weeks of random texting I sensed his irritation but didnt back off till he blew up. I didn't argue with him when he blow up, but I did respond. I never said sorry or tried to keep him around, I simply did what he asked for, I stopped contacting him. It's game day, so yeah he's on my mind :( damn men!

The guy who I thought wanted more..... His nickname is moose so I'll refers him to that. Moose sent me a few texts, which I ignore not intentionally, I just got busy and he's no longer that important. I replied the next day. Very short response, his reply was short too so I'm guessing he got the hint? Time will tell, I'm not sure he will go away until he gets a gf, so I hope he gets one soon LOL.

Posh, hmm cute posh lol. He called me that night, I didn't answer. He called a half hour later, I answered. He was asking about my week, my day, my evening plans..... Then asked if I wanted to go out Saturday night. I nicely declined sayin I already have plans. 1- if he doesn't ask 3+ days ahead then I'm not ava ;) 2- I really did have plans and i wasn't about to cancel. 3- I'm not interested in dating so a single event was not okay. A group thing would be fine. We ended the convo telling each other to have a good weekend. He then blew up my phone all night, and he next day. So Saturday night comes. A group of us go to the club that we always go to...... Guess who shows up? Hello posh lol. He basically glues himself to me, offers to buy me drinks, pokes me, rubs me. I'm basically giving the smallest amount of attention bc 1 I was with my peeps and 2 I'm not that easy ;) I finally bring him aside and inform him that I brought a male friend with me so I needed to be a friend and no ignore him. His reply " that's fine, I'm not gonna be an asshole about it. By the way, I love your heels". Oh really lol. Silly men. I winked and walked away. He watched me all night. Which felt weird but I was on my best behavior. He kept walking past my male friend too lol, men in competition. He left without saying good bye and no call or texts today.

Kay; January 20, 2013 at 10:32 AM
Anonymous said...: @lonnie

It will help your daughter greatly to vent, and where else to do it..... Here. Where she will deff get loads of support and also see and know its not only happening to her. So hello Lonnie's daughter! When you're ready we are here.; January 20, 2013 at 2:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey, it’s Lonnie’s daughter writing in and needing advice and answers! The guy I was recently involved with I met in high school. We dated for a month in high school when I was a freshman and then we ended up just as friends and eventually went our separate ways…five years later he has gotten up with me and we rekindled our relationship. We dated for a month (about 3 mos. total now) and then he asked me to be an exclusive item with him, he even wanted to make it “Facebook official” and everything.

He went to great lengths to impress me such as making me breakfast in bed a couple times, cooked several delicious, romantic dinners for me and even accidentally said “have a good night babe, LOVE YOU”!!! His friends would always tell me how much he talks about me. One even said, “obsessed”. He has a toothbrush at his house for me and a phone charger. Last Sat. when I left his house he immediately texted me and said how much he missed me.

Most mornings he would wish me a good day and would always wish me a good night every night….anyway, Tuesday night (January 15th) we saw each other for dinner and a movie and the last thing he said was that he was having a cook out on Sunday or Monday and he wanted me to come…didn’t hear from him Wednesday night or Thursday and on Friday he sent me a text saying he wasn’t content with the relationship and that he knows it’s out of the blue but he wanted to break it off. He said he is weird and picky and he doesn’t want to ask me to change myself because it’s not fair. He said however that he hoped to see me every now and again…WHAT!?!? I don’t understand!!

My reply was that I thought it was weak, cowardly and disrespectful for him to not say this to my face and not to contact me again (because he kept texting)…I am very hurt and confused as to how there was an overnight change in his behavior. (It literally was overnight.) The only explanation my mom and I can think of is that this is a new semester and possibly another girl he has a class with and interested in. I am hurt that he didn’t at least apologize, just justified everything.

Lilly; January 20, 2013 at 11:10 PM
virgochick said...: @Peter.

Thanks for your reply :) You make sense on the male point of view, I actually believe you. I think he doesn't want me with someone else or to move on. I am going to end it for the third time but stick to it. At the moment, it's been the longest without talking, about 4 days. The last time he contacted me he said "this is bad to say but I've been thinking about *sleeping* with you (he did use it in the F term) then reminisced about us the last time and how "sexy I looked". I mean WTH? I went along remembering but didnt really understand why after all this time he comes out with that. I dunno, the whole thing is frustrating cause I do actually now want to move on and I keep feeling like I can't because I am loyal but enough is enough.; January 21, 2013 at 6:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lily (Lonnie's Daughter),
Hey sweetie. Well, for starters there is one thing here that jumped out to me as a red flag. And that is this:

"We dated for a month (about 3 mos. total now) and then he asked me to be an exclusive item with him"

Honestly, for a man, that's a bit too soon for him to be having genuine feelings. It takes men MUCH longer to develop feelings for a woman and fall in love. It's usually around 4 - 6 months before that happens.

Which then leads me to this:

"and even accidentally said “have a good night babe, LOVE YOU”!!!"

I don't want to hurt you here because you're already hurting, but you're asking and this is important when it comes to men. This is how you spot when they're bullshitting you. Because you see, it's odd (a red flag) when a man asks for a commitment BEFORE he expresses feelings for you (says I love you). That's backwards. It doesn't line up. FIRST you develop feelings and fall in love, THEN you enter into a committed relationship.

"One even said, “obsessed”."

Personally, I think he was VERY insecure. And because of his insecurities, he was obsessed with what YOU were going to do (possibly leave him) so THAT'S why he asked prematurely for a commitment. He wanted to tell you what he thought you wanted to hear so that YOU wouldn't leave HIM :-(

"he sent me a text saying he wasn’t content with the relationship and that he knows it’s out of the blue but he wanted to break it off."

Ugh. I'm sorry honey, but he did this, he was able to flip flop like this, because he didn't have genuine feelings yet. He only pretended to. I'm sure he WANTED to, but the reality was that it was too soon.

"He said however that he hoped to see me every now and again…WHAT!?!?"

No way. He doesn't get to see you, speak to you or hear from you for at least 30 days, if not 60 with this one. He needs to experience the consequences of his decision:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

And you need to begin "no contact" immediately:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

"and not to contact me again (because he kept texting)"

Let him go and make a fool of himself here. Honestly, that's what he needs to experience right now - a feeling of foolishness. And to make him begin second guessing his snap decision, no contact is the trick. He needs to miss you and he can't do that if he gets to communicate with you in any way.

"I am very hurt and confused as to how there was an overnight change in his behavior. (It literally was overnight.)"

I know dear. These things suck. But try not be the one hurting here. Try to hold your head high, laugh at him and his foolishness and flaky behavior, and stay far, far away from him for right now. It's what's best for you, too.

"The only explanation my mom and I can think of is that this is a new semester and possibly another girl he has a class with and interested in."

Cont . . .; January 21, 2013 at 8:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: That's what I'm thinking here, too. And if that's the case, seeing as how foolish he sort of already is when it comes to women and relationships - that should last all of 3 weeks, LOL ;-)

"I am hurt that he didn’t at least apologize, just justified everything"

And that's why he needs to experience consequences and no contact. You need to stay away long enough for him to go through the thought process to reach the conclusion that he was an ass here. (Watch the video I've just added to the "no contact" article I referenced above and pay close attention to the lyrics there. It takes men a long time to reach the conclusion that they were wrong. Stay away long enough for that to happen.)

Lastly, I'd like to say that you're not alone. As you can see, there are many other women out there experiencing what you've just experienced. And if you read through the comments here, you'll see examples of how no contact has worked for some of them and you'll also see that we did a little experiment and posted stats of how many men we dated and how many came back. Believe it or not, we concluded just from our stats alone, that approximately some 90% of men return. But the chances of that become MUCH higher if the woman DOES NOT communicate with the man and ignores him for a period of time.

So don't make this easy on him, sweetie. Staying away will also help you distance yourself and begin to heal. And by the time he's ready to come back and apologize, you may not even want him anymore, LOL. It happens once a woman is away long enough to get a good, clear look at the man she's dealing with.

So try not to worry and close him off for right now. Go on "lock down" with him. And that means he doesn't get to see what you're up to in life on social media either. So if he has access to your Facebook page, deny him that right now. Otherwise, he'll keep tabs on you there and you want to drive him mad that he can't speak to you, contact you, or see what's going on in your life. So shut him off there for right now. Normally, I'd tell women not to make an obvious move like that, but in this case, he gets NO ACCESS to YOU at all, whatsoever. It's part of the consequence for his foolish decision.

So hang in there, stand strong - and you WILL come out on top here, believe me.

And in the meantime, as hard as it may be, try to start spending time with friends and even casually (no sex) dating other men. The attention from them will make you feel much better about yourself and it will build your confidence and self esteem back up.

So just try to remain strong here - and you'll have the last laugh ;-); January 21, 2013 at 8:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoChick,
I'll let Peter respond to this one, but I just had to intervene here on this one:

"The last time he contacted me he said "this is bad to say but I've been thinking about *sleeping* with you (he did use it in the F term)"

THAT IS RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL AND COMPLETELY IGNORANT TO SAY TO A WOMAN.

It's one thing if a man says, "I've been thinking about having sex with you or making love to you" - but to use the "F" word when referring to it???

COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL to speak to a woman like that - completely.

And HE KNOWS IT IS:

"this is bad to say. . ."; January 21, 2013 at 8:41 AM
Peter said...: @Virgochick

"this is bad to say but I've been thinking about *sleeping* with you (he did use it in the F term) then reminisced about us the last time and how "sexy I looked"

By this text he wanted to ask you for casual sex, the easy kind where you do all the work. The only thing is he isn't enough of a d**k head to just ask for it. He has to add "this is bad to say" because he is hoping you will reply with something like "no not bad at all I was thinking the same thing". He was looking for you to let him off with it by making it your idea too. That way he feels less bad.

To be honest that shows you all you need to cut him out completely. Delete his number, block him on any social network site he knows you on and cut him out.

I also agree with MOA. In my view as a man there are words and phrases that you just don't use to a lady. This is one of them for me. She is completely on the money.; January 21, 2013 at 6:02 PM
Anonymous said...: Peter and MOA have you guys dated someone and felt things were going good and suddenly they disappear and give the impression that they arent interested anymore. If so, how did you move on from that feeling of rejection (though you were just dating). Im asking because I feel odd that I feel a little bad about a guy dated me for two weeks (2 actual dates) and then he disappears. Its like knowing someone is not the person for you but you still feel rejected for some reason.; January 21, 2013 at 7:39 PM
Virgochick said...: Peter, MOA - Thank you.

Yes you're right :( I guess I am just so angry at the amount of disrespect and the fact I had hoped things would improve. Wish I could understand how he goes from being a gentleman and being respectful to this. I guess I found out his true colours, its made me think back to the fact I was blinded by love to pay attention to the red flags.

And Peter, yep, I think he was sniffing around to see if I'd sleep with him again and if I did that's all it'd mean to him. He is insecure, and I am pretty certain he is getting attention from a few girls at the moment.

Yes I will be deleting him, he will do all to make me feel guilty and rope me back in, but I cannot cope anymore. He really must think I am stupid which in itself, is enough for me to have made this decision.

Thank you so much for being honest. I talk to friends about it and they really sugar coat it for me I need to be told straight.; January 21, 2013 at 10:06 PM

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