Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 3, 4:29PM,
"But there's one part I have a different view on--when he pulls away and reappears (after sex or any other situation), to do the "wait 3 days and reply" strategy each time you hear from him again acting warm enough but slightly nonchalant... *each time* won’t the game will go on forever until one is tired of it and leaves?"

You don't do it each time if it isn't necessary. If he takes 3 days to respond, so do you. If you get an immediate response back, then you respond back immediately. If he takes 3 hours to respond, then so do you. If he responds in one hour, you respond an hour later. If he responds in 15 minutes, then you respond 15 minutes later.

You only mirror his behavior. Once he stops acting up and ignoring you and he starts to reply in a timely manner, then you mirror him and begin doing the same.

"Especially pulling the strategy with texting, he may sense he's less important but he will also know you're waiting 3 days to get back at him, and shit testing him, as no one typically takes 3 days to reply to a text."

Men do. They do it all the time to women. But most times, they take longer than 3 days.

"Guys are smart enough to see it. I've tried this and yes, mirroring him in that way IS keeping him around, but not the real answer to bringing him closer for the long haul if you're looking for love."

Nothing is a guarantee in life, honey. It's a tactic to get him to notice you again and respect you. But you can't make someone fall in love with you or want to be in a relationship with you.

"So in your experience, I am wondering at what point did he stop the game all the time, feel more emotionally attached and want to consistently be there?"

I'm single, sweetie - by choice. But I've seen men stop with the game playing (and have had them return to me) . . when a woman puts her foot down. When she walks away and he has to live without her - that's when a lot of men realize they love the woman. There's an old saying, "You don't know what you've got, till it's gone."

"Why not show him, with words and action that while you aren't manipulative, controlling or overly emotional, you aren't blind either *and* DON'T want to play his game?"

I think many women here have done that very thing - only to have it blow up in their face. Men run like hell from that sort of confrontation. And it's acceptable to do that with a man, but realize, you run the risk of running him off for good by "giving him a talking to." It feels like pressure to them.

"Furthermore, he'll think you're one of a kind because he isn't used to that direct approach."

Not necessarily true. Men are very used to that direct approach and being confronted by women every single day - and they run from them and fear the confrontation. You have to remember that many men are only "half interested" in a woman most of the time. So if she plays her cards and confronts when he's undecided - that's when a woman blows the whole thing up.

Only a mature man this is genuinely interested will "talk" it out with a woman. The players and insecure guys and half interested ones run like hell.

I say let them go. But as you can see here, many women have a hard time letting go and accepting the reality - which is that the man wasn't that interested in the first place.

So yes, with a man that's genuinely interested, this can work. But with the one's who aren't, it's easier for them to walk and continue playing games to manipulate women into doing thins their way.; December 3, 2012 at 5:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi,
I found your article so useful!!!
I think I'm currently going through this myself. I'm not completely sure though 'cause I somewhat believe that he's honestly a nice guy, but seems to be oblivious in the way that he treats me sometimes. He seems to think that dropping off the face of the Earth for a week or more sometimes without a word is OK. I guess I've been somewhat good by refusing to text him first in those situations, but then as soon as we establish contact again, he's just off again somewhere. He does have a job that allows him to travel a lot though, so maybe I am overreacting? When he re-establishes contact, he usually starts off by saying that he's been busy, but without me asking him. I just don't know how genuine he's being. Maybe he really has been busy, but I think he's recently lost some interest in me as well.
I'm just wondering if I should play games with him. He's never ignored a text from me; he always responds within the day or after. I'm currently going through another disappearing phase with this guy and I'm just wondering if I should make him wait 2 days before I text him back because I've never done that before so he might think that I'm playing with him or something, and I don't want to mess it up if he hasn't been playing games all along. I don't want to seem dishonest as well, but it's like he's forced me to in order to teach him a lesson... Should I really say that I've been busy when I haven't...? I was planning to just wait the 2 days then send him a one-off text, pretending to be all friendly; asking how he is and so on; that I'm gonna go to work now and we should catch up soon; then wish him a good day, maybe even throw in a smilie for good measure... Or maybe I could just text him the next day but make him wait until the evening; make him sweat a bit 'cause he'll be expecting something in the morning; and just leave out the going-to-work bit? Or perhaps lie and say that I 'forgot' to text back? But then I don't want to make excuses myself; I don't want to seem weak like him by making excuses. Should I also try to go back to the relationship that we had before; make it less easy for him? By that, I mean trying to start all over again; limit the frequency of texts, etc.? How would that work though...?
Sorry I've got so many questions...! Any advice from you would be of great help!
Thanks :).; December 3, 2012 at 7:52 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm the Anonymous from Dec 2, 8:08AM Desperate woman I can feel your pain. It's been 5 day already that I have no contact from this guy... I'm getting really sad but I just met another one and we're talking now. This is what happens when men play games with us.. they open the door for someone to come along and "steal" us from them. They're all losers!! I really want this guy to reply my message but I decided to not do anything(I think I'm gonna meet him at a party on saturday), he has my number and he knows I'm interested and he had contacted me already in the past without me taking the first step... now he has to work hard to get me, specially after what happened(we didn't have sex but it was only the 4th time we met). Mirror what do you think I should do?; December 3, 2012 at 8:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 3, 7:52PM,
Well, you can do anything you want, you do have free will and you can't wave a magic wand and make someone love you.

But you can protect yourself, look out for yourself, demand respect, not reward poor treatment with your affection and attention and limit any pain you may bring upon yourself.

You see, the real message here is that none of this advice can make someone love you or make them want a relationship with you. But IT CAN help you to hold your own in a relationship - it can help you to help yourself - and not let a man run you over, make you feel bad about yourself, make you embarrassed of your behavior or cause damage to your self esteem and confidence.

You can do any one of those things you've mentioned, or all of them. But the real question you need to be asking yourself is, "Can I live with the consequences of these actions - be they good or bad?"

If he rejects you, can you live with that? If he doesn't respond and he ignores you, can you live with that and accept it? If he lies to you, makes a promise, and then doesn't follow through . . will you be okay?

Or will it cause you more pain, more heartache, and prolong your suffering?

If the answer to the first question is yes, then take the risk. If the answer is no, then don't put yourself through that. And if the answer is no to the second question, feel free to take a chance. But if the answer is yes - don't even think about it.

Because you need to think less about him and more about yourself here.

And here's the one thing I do know for a fact - if a man is genuinely interested, he'll seek you out. He'll come looking for you. He'll contact you.

If I were you, and your gut is telling you he's a nice guy, then even if you weren't available to immediately answer a call or a text . . if he's truly a nice guy, he'll understand.

In the same way you're understanding of his lengthy disappearances, a nice guy will be understanding of yours ;-)

You said, ". . . he always responds within the day or after."

And I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to do the same here - respond within the day or after.; December 3, 2012 at 9:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous from Dec 2, 8:08AM,
I think you're being strong and doing the right thing here - looking out for yourself.

Yes, if he wants you, he knows where to find you. And as you said, he did this once already without you pursuing him - he can definitely do that again if he wants to.

And I think it's great that you're not putting your life on hold, waiting for him to make up his mind about you. You're out there living it, you're making room for other men, you're exploring your options and you're being choosy about the men in your life - and you're not passively sitting back, waiting for a man to chose you.

All very good things :-); December 3, 2012 at 9:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Amazing, to the point, spot on,....and just the answers I was looking for! Thank you so much!
So well done!; December 4, 2012 at 9:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror:

I've become a regular reader and I'm so glad I found this site. After being in a long term marriage of 22 years, dating today has been a real eye opener and somewhat confusing to me. I've definitely had my eyes opened on what has been written here...

Just a quick question - you mentioned in the above post that, "remember many men are only half interested in a woman most of the time". That was news to me - really??

What does it take for them to be REALLY interested then? A super-model with a lot of money? Are you telling me that these guys that pursue me with flowers, dinners, tests, and calls everyday are playing a game then? I'm considered (so I've been told) attractive for my age and they sure seem interested in the first few weeks. My error is (or so I thought)that I've been too available and ask for a commitment before sex, instead of just playing the game back. So, are they really just half-interested then and this is all about seeing if they can get me into bed?

If so, I think I am more distressed then ever... LOL. I want the old days back where men, of course thought about sex, but they appeared, at least, to see me as a real person. (if what you are saying is true). I don't remember men being as insincere and so much game playing 25 years ago, or is this just my imagination and time makes you forget a little?

Lonnie; December 4, 2012 at 12:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror of Aphrodite, I'm suffering really bad and I'm feeling so crappy about myself. :( He's all I think about and I can't help it. I just want the pain to go away. Please help remind me why I'm worth it. Why I deserve more and better .... I can't do this alone. :(; December 4, 2012 at 3:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonnie,
My dear, I feel your pain, LOL. Dating has changed drastically in the last 20 years. And as much as I hate to say this, because as I'm sure you can already tell, I'm a feminist of the first order LOL, but I think the women's liberation movement of the late 60's is finally catching up with us.

You see, when women became "liberated" - they also took to behaving like men about their sexuality - aggressive and dominant in many cases. And the backlash to that is - these men nowadays don't wanna lift a finger. Why? Because they have so many women aggressively pursuing them. Throwing themselves at them, asking for nothing before jumping into bed. No knightly gestures, no courting.

Let me give you an example. I just recently ripped a guy I was dating a new you-know-what over this very topic. He played the game and it backfired on him. He disappeared on me for 4 days. I did nothing about it hehe. So on the 4th day, he hits me with "So I guess we're not going to speak unless I initiate it, huh?" We had only one date - and this man thought I was going to take to chasing him, after one lousy date, so he could sit back and "cruise" through this.

I got no "hello, how have you been?" No explanation for the disappearance. Instead, I got hit with his angry attitude about the fact that I didn't chase him down. So my response was, "Wow . . well . . um . . I don't chase men that suddenly and without warning disappear on me if that's what you mean LOL."

Normally, I would've ignored him since he disappeared on me. But something about his attitude needed adjusted I felt LOL. And so it began, back and forth. At one point, I said, "A man should pursue a woman, back in the day, they called it courting ya' know."

His response? Hang onto your seat here. His response was, "It ain't like it used to be. It ain't "back in the day" anymore. It's equal now."

Holy crap was I pissed. So I called his bluff about playing the game and he admitted he did it, to see how long it'd take me to chase him. What a jerk. Then he said, "Guess I got my answer." Yes, indeed, he did.

This is what these guys expect nowadays - to do nothing and receive it all for FREE. Well that doesn't fly with me, so I had some more choice words for him and out to the curb he was kicked.

Cont . . .; December 4, 2012 at 4:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: These guys have so many women chasing them around, doing all the work, that they don't have to lift a finger anymore. And having so many women behaving so dominant and aggressive with them makes them lazy, which in turn makes them expectant, which in turn makes them feel entitled, which in turn - makes them lose any and all respect for women. They're play things now, to toy with, use, abuse and dispose of at will when they're satiated. Women to men nowadays are objects - not people. And women are mostly to blame for that due to their liberated and sexually aggressive ways now.

And men have gotten very good at the game because of it. So yes, they feign interest and many, many of them are only half interested. Why? Because they're overwhelmed with options. And what they're really interested in is maintaining their freedom while getting sexed up all over town. Which is why it's VERY important for women to look out for themselves nowadays and it's also the reason that the "disappearing act" is an epidemic nowadays.

Notice that all the stories being shared here go a little something like this, "He was so nice. He called, he text me. We went out a few times. Then (I slept with him) he disappeared. What happened? What did I do wrong? Where did he go?"

It's an EPIDEMIC. And even the ones that don't want to lift a finger will put on a good act at first, buy a dinner, go to a movie, call and communicate regularly - then zoom . . it's off to the bedroom. Or a bunch of sexual innuendo conversations and sexting start taking place. These guys are smart. They'll work a little at it, just enough to get laid, then they bolt.

And it's so hot and cold outta nowhere that all these women are blown away like, "What the hell happened?" And what happened was akin to a drive by shooting - a hit and run.

And most of these guys don't stick around long. Which is why these relationships that start off real good - are over two weeks to two months later. After the guy has been satiated, he moves on to his next conquest. Dating is like a sport to these guys and women are the conquests. And one after another after another after another - these guys plow their way through them.

No, it's not your imagination. It's the degradation of society.; December 4, 2012 at 4:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 4, 4:59PM,
Sure you can, honey. You can do this. It's only a man, it's not the end of the world.

You deserve what you give in life. If you give attention and affection and love, then you certainly deserve that back. And there are good men out there. They're becoming the minority nowadays, but they're out there.

And you know who they are? Who the good guys are? They're the one's that women aren't paying any attention too, LOL. They're "nerds" or "geeks" of sorts I guess most women would call them. But they're the good guys. The quiet ones that don't brag and puff themselves up, the one's that aren't living in mom's basement but maybe have a crappy apartment, the one's that go to work everyday and the one's that probably haven't had a girlfriend in a long time.

Keep your eyes peeled for those men, honey. They're the good guys that would treasure having a woman like you in their life. They're the guys that treat a woman like gold and cherish her. They're the one's that deserve a chance.

You are worth it and you will find happiness. But it won't be in the arms of an "alpha male" so-to-speak. Those guys are all about themselves and proving things to others all the time via pranks and bragging and showing off, etc. Alpha males make really crappy boyfriends, lovers and husbands.

But they're the one's getting all the girls for some reason.

You have no less value than any other living creature on this earth. Have faith that some man will feel the same about you someday.; December 4, 2012 at 5:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror
Women in Deep Despair here... thank you for your kind answer.... I just wanted reassurance.. thanks ever so.. I will try my hardest with "no contact". so not worth it.. I guess looking back I was an option and he probably has moved onto the next...

By the way the response to Lonnie is so spot on! Ladies take note x; December 4, 2012 at 5:58 PM
Frustrated Taurus said...: Hi Mirror,

Thank you so much for the response. I find that your response to every query is so well thought out and accurate. If most women did what you recommended, then maybe we would not have the current "degradation of society" with these lazy, insecure men!

In any event, I have not contacted him to tell him off. Thanks for the reminder. I am, however, thinking of changing my phone number. As much as I am moving on with my life, busy, etc...I keep looking at my phone thinking I may hear from him, even though its been six months. Your thoughts?
I suppose if he really wanted to get ahold of me, he still could via email etc. Or do you think this is childish?

Would love your opinion! Thanks.; December 4, 2012 at 7:29 PM
Anonymous said...: HI Mirror,
At times I am now thinking that the problem in today's society has also have to do with so many women like us. If many women will not go for one night stand and all sorts of casual sex then many men would probably behave well. My current experience is that I met this guy at work who appeared to be very nice and such a gentleman. He been known to be nice and people have not much idea what is going on with his private life. One day comes he started talking to me and some people were also excited because they not saw him hanging around with some chicks and so I was flattered with that comment. I felt good and as I was also infatuated I just let myself be drawn to him. We have exchanged text which from highs to lowest peak and to barely not having any text messages at all. We stopped talking as I was confused and he basically have hinted that I am not up to casual sex or anything. One day, he went to my house and we have romanced for almost 2 hours and make out. Nothing happened all the way as I was still thinking but he was close to having me right there. The kiss were too hot and it almost consumed me to give my whole self to him. When he was about to, I just told him I am not ready and we stopped. He was dismayed of course and not talked with me after a few days. He just said I am sorry later and that he is really not after a relationship. It was like close to saying, I just want to f...k you. But still it has not removed him out of my head till this very moment and working on it. Lately, out of curiousity and do not know what has lead me in opening a dating website which made me saw him there. He indicated that he wanted a relationship and have someone to be with at the end of the day. The profile was real nice that any woman who is dreaming of having a lifetime partner would contact him and maybe take chances. The funny thing is that he contacted me in that profile that I made but of course I do not have a photo in there. It is just so crazy how things would even be going this crazy. I am not thinking that probably he meets women out from that dating site and women will fall for him and then after the sex he will just turn into cold and thus feeling down and sad for the loss of love. In my head, I could have slept with him as I really like him or probably love him. I stil remember that night but I am also happy I did not let go.
I do not know what has happened to the society, to be honest I wanted to try and play on this man now and know who he really is by talking to him in that dating website. Sad but I am still recovering from hurtache.; December 4, 2012 at 9:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Frustrated Taurus,
Well if most women held out a little longer and demanded some respectful treatment from a man, men would respect women more - thus, treat them better. The fact that women place absolutely no value on themselves whatsoever is the problem. So they give it away for free, thus confirming to a man that they're valueless.

Always place a high value on yourself, always. Your perception of yourself is what others see. If you think you're of no value, then he'll see you as valueless. If you hold your head high, remain collected and dignified, and place a high value on yourself, then he'll see you as high value.

Women have trouble understanding that they hold the power - all the power. So for those who feel they are of no value, no worth to a man - know this. Your V-gi-gi in and of itself has value and worth to a man, LOL. Every woman is valuable and worthwhile and her personality, compassion and loving ways build upon that. Every single one ;-)

Don't bother changing your number. You may or may not hear from him again someday. I've learned to never say never with these guys, LOL.; December 5, 2012 at 12:43 AM
sadwoman said...: hello

Mirror thanks so much for ur efforts here and all the ladies for sharing their experiences..
it confirms we r not alone and is sure making us stronger

I wish i had discovered ur site long before i messed up with my lover

i messed up because i initiated dates and calls and so i appeared as "less value" and not something that he would work hard to get and be with

he ended it:((

then 2 weeks later he resumed calling me but just a friendly hi how r u doing sort of call / or text..

then i had discovered ur site... i would reply briefly and also maintained a cold tone

i miss the love we had and the warm relation but as u mentioned in ur site, what we r doing will not necessarily make the man love u or make him what he used to be

i am still suffering though... i miss him; wish i can do magic and make him miss me toooo

shall is top answering his calls period?? if i do so would that like kill the habit of our contact ?

i feel heis used to hearing my voice daily... shal i rid him of this right since he was not decent enough to maintain our dating relation??

i have not seen him for a month now though we talk daily

any tips how i may have this man back as a lover??

what tools can a woman use to make a man all over her again? miss her want her?? or is it impossible

its so frustrating to communicate with a man who no longer wants u as a lover:((

hope u can think out loud with me

thanx

sad woman; December 5, 2012 at 7:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @sad woman,
Well the first thing that comes to mind is, if he broke up with you (doesn't want to see you), then why are you speaking with him every day? In otherwords, why are you not letting him experience the consequences of his decision to not see you anymore? If he's decided he doesn't want to see you, then I don't think he should get the opportunity or reassurance of speaking to you daily.

Read this to understand:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

He may not miss you until you're actually gone, meaning, not speaking to him anymore. That's when he'll miss you, if he's going to miss you at all. All that talking everyday does is reassure him that you're still there waiting for him and that you're not dating other men. So as long as he has that reassurance, he has nothing to worry about. And he NEEDS to worry that he may have lost you, for good.

So you may want to begin no contact:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

Doing so, you will be able to see if he misses you or not, you will force him to live with the consequences of his decision, and you will help yourself by distancing and detaching from him so that you can begin to heal and feel better.

But as long as you speak to him everyday, you're reassuring him that you're waiting on him. He'll feel secure in that and he won't feel the need to make a move - and he'll never miss you if he's speaking to you everyday.

If you want him to miss you, you need to go away for a while so that he can do that.; December 5, 2012 at 8:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi i would really love your insight on what should i do in my situation.. the guy that im in love with left me for another women, he comes back to me and then re-disappear and im just quite frankly getting tired of it but i dont want to let him go cause i still love him... he treats me so good when he comes back and we start talking again and then boom out of no-where he stops talking and when i initiate a convo he will say something that hurts me really bad, and when i read what you wrote, i have experienced when ever i don't talk to him for a long time he get restless but me being the dumb person i am as soon as he would text me weather it be months days after our last convo which always ends in a bad way i text back instantly... and im seeing the pattern now... well recently we hadn't talked to one another since april and i always know in the back of my head oh he will text me its just a matter of time so e texted me in august after 5 months and as soon as he did i texted him back and like usual he was asking me how i was doing if i was alright blah blah blah and from their it went from being how are you to i want you and we exchange explicit text and he even brought up us moving in together so this goes on for a couple of weeks and recently he was drunk one time when we where talking and it was around halloween and me and some friends where going to a party and i waasnt dressed up i just wore an elegant gown to make it seem like its a coustome, he replied back saying wow you look sexy, like as my wife. and i thought wow okay maybe this time isnt like rest of the times hes talking about moving in together ( which he had before, ,and then this comment) ( i have know him for 2-3 yrs) tehn he had texted me to do something and i made and excuse not to and i think he caught on and after that it was like cold turkey no-more text( and i thought to myself oh here we go again) and usually i get him and his son gifts for x-mas and their birthday and i texted him saying hey i have your gifts can we meet up and you can get the gifts his reply to me was , i dont think its a good idea, i dont know how i would get em i live with my gf? and that just broke me to pieces and after that we where talking and it went from bad to worse and i really wante dto talk to him (you see teh only reason i dont ive up on us is cause i have been through hell and back with this kid and when he wants he makes me feel like im the best thing ever makes me feel safe adn loved and i trust him hes my first kiss and first everything-and yes im a virgin i havent givin in to that part of the whole aspect to easily) and i would want him to be my first eventually, and all i want is a chance so can you help me out with what i should do here and last thing he said to me was i had told him to call em and he said he would but he said oh i cant im with my gf,and i cant text either now and i was liek when can i talk to you caus ei was frustrated adn wante dto talk so i can just get evrything out and sorted and he said maybe tom. by for now ... so should i text himback saying maybe your right this seems like a bad idea to meet up right now, maybe i can see if i can do it another day/time well see ya' later.. maybe bye for now? should i or no PLEASE HELP!; December 5, 2012 at 12:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

You are so amazing! I come around everyday just to read stories of the ladies visiting your site and also check out your fantastic advice. It's truly healing to see so many women are going through the same things and that we can take our power back, focus on ourselves and also weed out the suckas (lol) and better identify the real men out there.

So, if you don't mind (I know you're a busy woman, selflessly giving your advice), I would love an opinion on two situations:

1. First, I meet a really cool honduran man back in September who doesn't live in town and is working on construction in the area. I know the situation is going to be temporary because I don't do long-distance relationships and I wasn't going to have but a couple of months to get to know him. Anyway, he calls/texts several times a day, teaches me spanish (lol) and we go on dates. Now, there's no doubt from day one that he wants sex from me. He made it clear. I refused, which made me assume that he would disappear right away, but he kept in touch and would constantly ask me to be his girlfriend (I refused this too b/c I knew it was to have sex...I tried to keep it at us just hanging out). In the middle of his construction job, his crew was forced to return home suddenly due to a lack of materials and he called me when he arrived to say he would return in a few weeks. As expected, I didn't hear from him anymore after he returned home. But what I didn't expect was for him to come back without telling me. Another surprise: he brought his 10-year old son with him this time (he told me all about his son before he left), which I thought was adorable. Since I never saw any long-term potential anyway, I'm not hurt. But I am curious as to why he hasn't told me he's back (I see him around my apt complex where he's working). Do you think it's because his son is with him, or because he knows he won't get sex, or both? I haven't talked to him in about 7 weeks and will NEVER contact him to find out. Just curious about what you think. :-)

2. In a second (shorter) scenario, around Thanksgiving, I met a guy who basically chases me around my local grocery store saying we are "bumping into one another." Finally, he asks if he can call me and I agree to give him my number. In the meantime, he tells me that he's a local movie critic and invites me to view some of his reviews on the local TV station's website. So I hear from him the next day, we have a good conversation and he promises to call back the next day. He seems cool and whatnot. Later that day, I decide to check out the videos he tells me about and his movie critic profile links to his Facebook page. Low and behold, on the page, I see he's in a relationship! Totally didn't expect that! It appears that his page didn't have much activity, so I'm thinking they may have broken up since he last logged in. I click through to his girlfriend's page and sure enough she had written that day about how she looooves her man of 13 years and how he's so perfect and is the best father to their three kids. They're not married, but he's clearly involved.

I actually had to laugh at that one and just smh. Interestingly enough, he never called me back and, of course, I never reached out to him again. Definitely an interesting WTF moment, but I figure he's one more guy who got out my way to make room for the loving husband I deserve. I am wondering though, what in the WORLD would make him pursue me??? lol

~Lynnbump; December 5, 2012 at 2:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 5, 12:57PM,
Honey, I hate to say this but I have to ask. . why on earth are you spending so much of your time and energy and emotions on a man that is utterly and completely emotionally and otherwise - unavailable to you? How can you love a man that doesn't love you back? Simply because he's nice to you once or twice every few months?

Honey, you can do much better than that, trust me. There are men out there that do not treat women like disposable items. This guy doesn't deserve any of your attention and he has a girlfriend. He moved in with another woman - not you. Why aren't you ANGRY with him?

It's virtually impossible to wave a magic wand a make a man love you, respect you or want a relationship with you. You simply cannot do that.

If a man is genuinely interested, he'll come seek you out. He'll make time for you. He'll ask you out on dates. He'll call regularly. He'll text regularly. And he won't string you along.

This guy's completely unavailable. Do you wish to steal him away from his girlfriend? Because if that's what you're thinking here, don't bother. He's not even willing to text you when she's around, let alone leave her.

Why buy gifts for a man that's treating you like this? Does he bother to give you a gift? Or does he just take, take, take - and give nothing in return? You don't reward someone who's ignoring you with gifts.

I fear you may be living in a bit of a fantasy here. I don't think you're focusing on the reality. Let's look at the facts, the reality here:

1) He chose another woman over you
2) He only bothers to speak to you a couple of times a year
3) He doesn't ask you out on dates
4) He doesn't keep regular communication with you
5) He's expressed no feelings for you other than a bunch of BS sweet talk
6) His actions indicate he's moving in another direction
7) He can't even make time for you as a friend

When faced with those facts, that reality, you're attempting the impossible here. And as a result, you're going to set yourself up to fail here. Don't do that. Accept the reality and let the fantasy go. He's not the man you fantasize him to be. The reality is that he's a man living with another woman right now.

I wouldn't respond at all and I'd return those gifts, get your money back. And then spend that money on yourself. Do something nice for yourself. Go get your hair done, get your nails done, make yourself feel good about yourself and spend your time and energy putting yourself out there to meet a nice man that will appreciate you.

I'm sorry, sweetie. But I really don't have any advice for this one. Women who steal men away from other women sometimes put years of effort into it, as a mistress, playing second fiddle and waiting and waiting and waiting as the years of their life tick by.

It's not worth it, dear. Don't put yourself through this.; December 5, 2012 at 5:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lynnbump,
Regarding #1:

Yea, he was seeking sex. He sounds like one of those guys that's "half interested." Meaning, he was going to use flattering words and fake wanting a relationship if it was going to get him laid, but he wasn't willing to do anything more than that. So when that didn't work, he disappeared, as usual, LOL.

He's a lazy man seeking freebie sex.

Regarding #2:

I had to laugh at that one. Another typical scenario, LOL. He strikes me as insecure. So he needed to prove to himself that he's "still got it." And once he did that, that was good enough for him. He sounds like a real schlub. And what a dumbass. He's so insecure and is so desperate to prove he's manly, that he thinks he's going to impress you with his videos - that clearly link to his FB profile - that clearly displays he's in a 13 year relationship and has a family. What a dumbass, LOL.

Next time you're at the grocery story - don't "bump into him" - run his ass down with that grocery cart and don't look back . . . consider it collateral damage, LOL ;-)

Or if he catches you off guard and you don't get a chance to mow him down (or belt him over the head with a banana in the produce section) . . . ask him how his family is doing ;-)

And then sit back and watch how insecure this man truly is.

The bigger they talk - the smaller they are, I swear, LOL.; December 5, 2012 at 5:39 PM
Bluebird said...: Hi Mirror,

My sag finally called. He started talking about things as if he never disappeared. Just like he usually does. Didn't say he was sorry for how he treated me, nothing. Didn’t even acknowledge that he had just given me the silent treatment for 3 weeks. I just could not let it go like everything was fine. I brought it up and he said he does not like to answer to anyone. I said so let me get this straight......you call me everyday because YOU want to, you call me when you want, you text me when you want, you set up our dates when you want and if for some reason I am not around to take your call at night, you call first thing in the morning and want to know why I didn't answer. And YOU don't want to answer to anyone. Oh hell no!!! I told him never to call or text me again. I don’t need this BS. I will never let a man disrespect me again. I will re-read the how to say no dating life post you suggested. I will keep reading it to remind me that I deserve more. Don’t want to answer to anyone.....how flippin wonderful for him. He must live in a fantasy world. Thank you for your support, it helped more than you know.; December 5, 2012 at 6:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much Mirror!!

As usual, you are so right!! With the first guy, I KNEW he was out for sex from day one, but I enjoyed his company so much that I tried to hang on as long as I could until he left town permanently. And you're right, he tried everything to pretend he wanted a relationship. Invited me to visit him in his city, invited me to LIVE with him in his city, invited me to travel to the Honduras with him, said he would move to my city, asked me to be his girlfriend at least 10 times, called me every pet name under the sun within the first few days, etc. A part of me is a bit sad that it's only sex, even though it was obvious. I usually consider myself to be immune to flattery (no one can love me more than I can...lol), but even when we (ladies) know what's going on, the flattery can create a bit of hope for something more...smh. It's just amazing to me the lengths they (men) will go to for sex! I guess I was a major challenge with my constant refusals, which made him stick around longer than the few days I originally expected...lol

And you cracked me up talking about the second guy. I really felt that he wanted to prove he's still got it, as you said, but I soooo wanted to hear it from you! Again, he's a guy pitching lines, "We keep bumping into each other, so it must be meant to be." He even told me that he was telling me about the videos to "sell himself to me." Hell, all the work he went through, following me up and down aisles, he really shouldn't feel convinced he's "got it." I wasn't interested originally and actually took his number because he seemed so intent on giving it. I thought, "well maybe he's a nice guy, he sure is trying hard...eh, why not?"

Oh well...I will definitely take your advice if I happen to run into him again. I'll keep the ripe (hard) bananas in my cart and get ready to belt him good! ;-)

~Lynnbump; December 5, 2012 at 6:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I just want to thank you for the many inspiring words you share. As I am working on recovery and have your page on my favorites tab, I feel greatly helped and inspired to keep going. It is just hard to get over when your heart feels wanting that initial stage when all is sweet and you are still pursued and now its hard to be in denial that you are being played or was treated like a toy. I just could't express my thanks and hopefully a lot of women will in your webpage and feel the same help although at the moment i still feel weak and wanting to look for him but reading your words over and over again makes me see the situation much clearer. Thank you and more power; December 6, 2012 at 5:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bluebird,
Goof for you! I think you've found your strength ;-) And yes, you deserve better than to be someone's "option."

He may try to weasle back in right away, but stand your ground and you're going to see, you're going to feel very proud of yourself.

And I have to tell you, I've heard that one before, "I don't want to answer to anyone." LOL, we'll good luck with that one, buddy. That's one hell of an ego. In life, you have to answer to certain people - your boss, your managers, your parents sometimes and family, your significant other - people you respect. Going through life with that attitude isn't going to get him very far.

And I'm not surprised one bit that that statement came from a Saggie. I've heard it from an Aries - both Fire signs, LOL ;-)

And it was the same thing, "You answer to me, but I don't answer to anyone." Yea, right. And this Aries, he even showed up unannounced at my house one time - to check up on me! Talk about answering to someone. If I would've showed up at his house unannounced, he'd have labeled me a stalker, no doubt. But it was perfectly acceptable for him to do to me - no way. Out the door he went, LOL.

When a guy says things like, "I don't like to answer to anyone" or "I don't like having to prove myself" (yep, I've heard that one, too) - just run. Those guys are going to give you nothing but a headache.

As an aside, I also think when a guy says "I think you're amazing" you should run then, too. Every single time I hear that line, the guy's an ass. He doesn't think anyone's amazing but himself and I swear the ole' "your amazing" line it exactly that - a line. It's a generic way of saying, "I think I'd like to sleep with you." Every guy whose said that, has turned out to be a real player and a real creep.

And to this day, when I hear "you're amazing" I'm like, "Oh God, here we go." LOL ;-); December 6, 2012 at 8:37 AM
Anonymous said...: So question about Bluebird confronting him and saying what's on her mind. Should a woman only do that if she is done with him? What if the man reappears and you go through the mirroring phase and eventually respond to him,start communicating again and you want to give him a "second chance"? Is it okay to let him know the disappearing act didn't set well with you or you just brush it off like you didn't care and just pace how much of your time/energy you dedicate to him?; December 6, 2012 at 8:44 PM
Anonymous said...: LOL... Too funny. This site is total proof that most guys come back 'round again if YOU disappear and start the no contact. I haven't heard from this particular guy since mid July. Guess what??!! He just texted me to say, get this - "Remember this guy... he still thinks you're AMAZING!" And, although we had some words, we ended OK. (So I think that is important, too - not to go psycho.)

What's funny is - I don't even miss him now and I doubt that I will even contact him back. So remember all who get down (including me) you will find better (and I have). As mirror says, "It's only a guy". Months later you will be thinking after you date a few other people, "What did I ever see in him anyway??"

And for the ones you do want back - this shows me there is hope. Just be the cool chic , like mirror says.

Hope you ladies are inspired as I am this moment!! Happy Holidays!

-Lonnie; December 6, 2012 at 9:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 6, 8:44PM,
Yes, it's my opinion that confrontation should generally only take place when and if you're willing to walk away. Because most men get totally freaked out by it and run from it. So if you're going to go there - best to be prepared to walk.

Of course, there may be extenuating circumstances when that is okay to do and the guy will stick around (mature men who can communicate well will), but as a rule, confrontation is never a good thing - it's battle. It places the two as opponents against one another and then it becomes a battle - not healthy communication.

I wouldn't give him "a talking to." I'd simply show him via my actions. Pace the relationship, mirror his behavior and limit your time on the phone/text with him. In otherwords, keep your distance here for a while - until he proves to you that he's serious this time.

Otherwise, you could be in for "round two."; December 7, 2012 at 8:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonnie,
He was about a month early. If they don't reappear by the third month, it's usually the sixth month, LOL ;-)

And yes, never go psycho hehe.

And see what I mean about that ole' "amazing" line? The creeps use that, I swear. That translates to, "Hey remember this guy? I was hoping we could have sex." LOL!

And see how the no contact does a girl good ;-)

Help to pull you outta the funk that men place women into. Helps you distance yourself to see clearly again - and find better.

Well done, Lonnnie ;-); December 7, 2012 at 8:35 AM
Anonymous said...: I have updates, mirror!

NC has been one of the best gifts I've ever given myself. After reading your comment, it sent me into a shock because it didn't occur to me I was using him to work through my own issues. I was so confused.

Having enough time and space to think (without him distracting me), I realized I've always used men to feel good about myself because I wanted to avoid working on a large goal I've had for years.

During my NC, I decided to start working on my goal again. And it felt - so - good. It's boring in the beginning stages (which is why I avoided it to begin with), but I know it's what I need to do to be happy with myself.

I still think about him daily, but the thoughts are mostly centered around feeling jealous about him getting her pretty clothes, and with her birthday coming up, I know he's going to make her feel all special. Ugh, jealous.

For the most part, I'm doing ok working on my own life, and then today... he texted me AGAIN! It's been 11 days since his last text (which I ignored).

But this time he didn't send it to my texting app (on my iPod)... he sent it to my actual phone!

It costs $0.10 for me to send texts to him from my phone, which is why I use a texting app. (He has my actual phone number because I asked him to wake me up at 7am one time, since I have a hard time getting up early.)

So, his message was a short heart: "<3".

It messed up my head a little (it made me miss him), but I'm still continuing my NC for 30 days.

I really didn't expect to hear from him again; I figured he'd probably be bf/gf with her by now (he's treating her so nice by buying her things), and he'd just let me go.

What is going on here?

I've also had another online dating guy re-surface after 2 months yesterday, LOL. I just see him as friend material, so I'll naturally NC him for a while, but seriously they're all coming back!

- Vivian; December 7, 2012 at 3:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
This is how it works, dear ;-)

Trouble is, most women, for whatever reasons (which I really don't understand) have no faith in their value to others. They think, "I have to remind him everyday that I'm here waiting because if I don't, I'm so insignificant, he'll forget about me."

No. No he won't. And every woman on the face of this earth is more valuable than she envisions herself to be. And when you use NC, it actually helps a woman to build up her confidence - by discovering her value. By seeing that it truly does exist when they come back. And most of these guys come back. It may take a while, but give them enough time, and most circle back. But by then, having been through NC and realizing their value, lots of times, the woman no longer sees any value in the man, LOL. She wonders, "What the hell did I see in him anyway. Why the hell did I put myself through that?"

It's a funny thing. And if you don't respond this time, don't be surprised if he amps up his efforts to reach you in the near future. All of a sudden, a man who wouldn't lift a finger before - suddenly starts moving mountains to reach a woman, LOL.

And here's how I sift through men to determine if they're someone I that I feel is worth it. I ask myself a question, "Does he make me feel good about myself?"

If a guy starts playing games, messing with my head, making me feel insecure, causing self doubt, and making me worry, causing me anxiety and sleepless nights . . . I don't bother. I want to be around someone that makes me feel good. Not someone who makes me feel bad and anxious and worried all the time.

And once you get to that point, you can see the players, the users and the two-timers coming at you a mile away. And you won't lose an ounce of sleep over them, LOL.

What is going on here is . . he's thinking about you. He's starting to question HIMSELF, "Hmm, where is she? What's going on?" So you're definitely on his mind now.

Same with the other guy. You're on his mind now too.

Feels good to know these guys are out there thinking about you, wondering about you - instead of the other way around for once, huh?

It just takes men longer to think is all, LOL. Longer to miss someone, longer to process things, longer to notice things.

Which is why NC is what they need in order to appreciate you. Because when you're in constant communication with a man all the time, every day, they tend to take you for granted.

NC turns all of that around.

And now that you've granted yourself this valuable life lesson - from this day forward, you will no longer doubt your value as a woman and you will not be afraid to walk away when necessary.

This will start to come real easy for you. And before you know it, you'll be a total bitch . . Babe_In_Total_Control_(of)_Herself, LOL ;-); December 7, 2012 at 5:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
I forgot . . the jealousy. Laugh it off. Because here's the deal. Apparently things aren't quite as good as they appear to be with these two.

Because if they were, he would NOT be bothering to contact you or keep in touch. He's doing that because for whatever reason, there's a tiny part of him that thinks this may fall through with her.

And she thinks she's special to him - but little does she know he must have a tiny bit of doubt - because he's contacting another woman and keeping in touch.

When a man is in love, my dear, they don't do that. Generally, a man in love ceases his contacts with other women and focuses all he's got on the woman of his dreams.

And apparently - that's not her or he wouldn't be bothering to keep in touch with you.

So know that - and smile :-); December 7, 2012 at 5:08 PM
Pisces Gal said...: Love it love it love it. What a great article.
Men behave very similarly... Just have to read the comments to see a reocurring characturistic.
The last 3 men in my life have done the disappear/reappearing act and its just feels better to know that it probably isn't me that is the cause for this behavor.
I was seeing a guy for about 6 months, we seemed to get each other and had load of fun, laughs and just a good connection. After 6 months he started becoming distant and the calls became less and less. He explain he needed time to look for another job & had a few other personal issues to deal with. Then nothing......Just silence for 2 months, then he starts sending me funny chain emails & jokes thru txt. I txt him back saying listen, I understand you dont want to see me, I just dont understand why you are continuing to send emails / txt's. No hard feelings I wish you well. Then 2 months later he sees me driving on the motorway and signals to me to pull over. I did and he pulls up and says, hey how are ya....confused I reply, why did you pull me over & he replied, to say hi. A week later he calls and asks if I want company, he popped over for an hour and seemed happy to see me and was quite interested in how I had been. We didnt sleep together, he left and hugged me and said I will see you real soon. He then called a few times sent me txts etc etc. A week after that he calls me and asks again if I would like some company, I replied yeah Ok. he said great because I am sitting at your table in the backyard...!!!! I looked out the window and there he was at my table. He stayed for about 2 hours just talking and laughing & then he left saying ill see you soon he also tried to explain why he went MIA and that he had to concentrate on finding a job. When he left this time he gave me a 1 arm hug & a kiss. (what is up with that)
I txt him a week later asking how his job is going & he replied long days with only 1 break will Catch up with you soon. That was 3 weeks ago & have heard nothing..! I havent txt/called him since & won't. I aint chasing his arse again. By the way he is a scorpio... I dont know maybe I am just attracting retards at the moment....; December 7, 2012 at 8:36 PM
Unknown said...: “Ideally, the manipulative ones find a woman who is a complete blank slate, ripe for programming. Those men make it very clear to these women, either overtly or not, that the first sign of “drama” (read: calling him on his behavior) will cause them to leave. These men don’t want to be challenged or questioned. They do not want a woman who will assert herself. They want a woman who will adore them and who’s just happy to spend time with them. Anything other than that will make them feel bad about themselves. These men are a mess internally. Which is why they focus so much on creating a more polished and successful external image.”….. I read this on a blog and this description is as if was written with my husband in mind…

I was married to a highly insecure man for a year. He was manipulative and controlling. When I decided to assert my rights to a normal life, he asked for divorce. However I was not prepared for a divorce yet, so one day he packed his bags and desserted me... Its been a month and we spoke yesterday for the first where he re-asserted his desire for a divorce.

My question is- what should I expect from him? Will he come back to the marriage? Or will he follow thru with the divorce? ….Is this just a mind game or does he truly mean it?; December 8, 2012 at 5:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
This guy sounds like a complete whacko. Who the hell sits in someone's backyard, then calls them (probably watching them on the phone through the window) and invites himself over???

A dangerous stalker whacko, that's who.

He sounds like he's got a few screws loose. Can you imagine if a woman did that! Every guy on the planet would be calling her a psycho.

And then pulling you over in the car - just to say hello? He can pick up the phone and say hello if it's that important to him.

This guy's off his rocker, sweetie. How do you know he isn't spying on you every evening? You think he's MIA and has disappeared, meanwhile, he could be watching you two or three times a week - getting your patterns down, scoping out your home and surroundings, seeing what time you wake up or go to bed, seeing if other men are coming over - be careful here.

Because his behavior is NOT NORMAL. Normal folks don't behave like that.

And if he pulls another stunt like that again, I'd tell him you're going to phone the police.

His overall behavior is very erratic. It's one thing to disappear and reappear, but it's an entirely different issue to be sitting in someone's backyard, spying on them, watching them, and inviting yourself inside.; December 8, 2012 at 9:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vikrant,
Well with any luck, you can hope that he truly means it, and I imagine he does. So give him the divorce, embrace your newfound freedom, take half of what you're entitled to from him - and say hello to your new life - one free of the dominance he exerts over you.

Why would you want to spend your life with a man like that, that makes you unhappy, doesn't appreciate you and doesn't want you unless you're willing to be subservient. No one should live their life, wrapped up in someone else's chains.

You leave him and you "assert my rights to a normal life" - and you happily give him the divorce he wants.

He won't do as well on the singles market as I suspect he envisions he will. Insecure men don't make good lovers, boyfriends or husbands.; December 8, 2012 at 9:57 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I'm loving your writing style and solid advice. Could you shed your thoughts on my situation please? I met a man online just over a month ago, and up until two weeks ago, we were dating for one month. I say up until two weeks ago, because I haven't seen him since - although he has contacted me, he has not mentioned meeting up. The month we were getting to know eachother, I saw him about once a week, in total we've had like 5 dates and the last one was where I got to meet some of his friends. We have not been intimate, it takes me months to get to that stage and I made this clear early on for him anyways. So only kissing (and that's all). For the month, he was consistent, kept regular contact and asked me out all five times. But after the last time I saw him, 'something' went off. He didn't contact me for three days (I didn't message him either). I replied, it was light hearted banter and that was that. Then two days later I text him about something he had specifically asked for (about a course I was taking). Again light hearted banter as normal, but no mention of a meet up. I then didn't hear from him for nearly a week (again, I didn't initiate contact either). After waiting appropriate time, I replied but kept the message very short and friendly. He replied, I sent one more and then he sent the last one, it had no questions in it so I left it. That was four days ago. He is ten years older than me - I thought there were suppose to mature up! We both have busy work schedules, and active social lives.I am aware he could be dating others, as have I - I was not ready to talk about being exclusive with him or anyone, we're only just getting to know eachother! I'm sure he picked up on this, but it's not like he brought it up either. My question is - is it too early to run or should I just go with the flow? It's that situation where you date others but it's THIS one I happen to like (or used to anyways...it's putting me off now though). If he hasn't seen me in two weeks, and only contacted me twice himself in that time, with no mention of when we will meet up again - is this stringing me along or just pacing himself? Is he purposefully 'fizzling' this out? Does he want me to ask considering he asked all the previous times? What should I do! I don't want to waste my time on a guy that it not taking getting to know me seriously, but then I 'think' hang on, it's so early on just wait and see...OR IF he contacts again just leave it. Quite while you're ahead sort of thin?!! Thanks - Confused Woman; December 9, 2012 at 9:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused Woman,
Just play this one cool for now. Something or someone else has probably come along and distracted him. Continue to date others and assume he's doing the same right now.

Don't pick up the phone, don't text and don't tell him off or end it. Leave it be. If he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, he doesn't. But don't blow it up - leave it open ended.

And the next time he contacts you, don't respond right away. Don't act too eager or he'll take you for granted.

He may be stringing you along, he may be placing you into his "rotation of women," he may have lost interest for whatever reason, he may be distracted by someone else right now - there's lots of things that could be taking place. Regardless, don't blow it up, leave it be. When a woman gets angry and ends it, it actually reassures the man that you like him. As a result, he'll continue to string you along.

So don't display any anger in an "over the top" fashion here. Play it cool, continue on with your life. He's only a man, it's not the end of the world. And if he doesn't want to be with you, then that's his loss.

And if this casual communication bothers you, makes you feel bad about yourself, causes you anxiety and worry - the forget about him and begin "no contact":

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

Because why do you want to be with a man that makes you feel all these negative, bad emotions? You want to be with a man that lifts you up, makes you feel good about yourself. You don't want to be with a man that makes you feel bad about youself - so stop speaking to him if that's the case and think about yourself here.

Pick your man - don't sit back and wait for a man to pick you.; December 9, 2012 at 9:28 AM
Anonymous said...: Hear hear! Thank you - it didn't make me angry, it just confused me a little. I'm not used to this behaviour before. But you have helped me clear it up pronto. I'm going to play it as you suggest and thought I would. Thanks a bunch!.; December 9, 2012 at 9:46 AM
Anonymous said...: This seems exhausting to me. I also read some of that guys article u said to read. I didn't read all of it cause it became extremely boring predictable and sounded even more exhausting than your article (which by the way was good don't get me wrong and very useful info) .
But after thinking about it for a few minutes i thought wtf?! Wait a second! I don't have time for this bullshit. If u like me act like it-if not eff off cuz there are tons of men that WILL like me and show it too!
End of story. No energy wasted. No time wasted. Life is short. Live accordingly.
This seems much simpler and much better advice for all us women to live by.; December 9, 2012 at 10:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 9, 10:20AM,
LOL, no you're getting it. You see, these men aren't worth the time and effort that many women here are giving them. Many women are placing a very high value on men that aren't worth a dime.

And yes, if a man genuinely likes you, he will seek you out. It's really just as simple as that.

And I think that many women here are misinterpreting the information contained in this article here. This isn't a "how to get your man back" article necessarily. Although some tactics here will work to get his attention again.

But rather, this article is mean to be a "how to not get run over by a man" article. It's meant to help women stand on their own two feet when dating and not let men pull a "hit and run" on them.

It's not about getting them back, it's about standing on your own two feet and not getting run over.

And yes, many times, that means you have to let them walk away.

I didn't write an exhaustive article to help women get these creeps back, I wrote an exhaustive article to help women stand on their own two feet.

It just so happens that many women would rather not do that - and suffer a man and his miserable treatment instead.

Which makes me sad :-(

Ladies, you're all so valuable and you don't even know it. And giving you even more power is the fact that you have something they want - sex.

Ladies, you've got all the power and you're all worth it.

Take a note from Anonymous here and develop her attitude:

"I don't have time for this bullshit. If u like me act like it - if not eff off cuz there are tons of men that WILL like me and show it too!
End of story. No energy wasted. No time wasted. Life is short. Live accordingly."

It's really that simple.; December 9, 2012 at 10:31 AM
EmotionalRoadkill said...: I think the problem is a that a lot if the ladies here ( myself included) read your smart article like this: Hmmm, so I messed up and made him run, now I need to shut up and leave him his space so he can miss me while I work on my bitch skills, and in 2 weeks (please don't let it be 2 months, but still better than never) he will come back to new and improved me and I will finally get what I want...Argh!; December 9, 2012 at 1:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @EmotionalRoadKill,
LOL, well yes, it can work that way because let's face it, most men come back at some point in time.

But as always, nothing in life is a guarantee and the focus should be - to protect yourself, learn from mistakes and never let them happen again.; December 9, 2012 at 2:16 PM
Anonymous said...: It’s been three+ weeks of NC with BB. Although I think of him, it’s not every day all day any more. But every time I come to this site to read stories it reminds me of him. Any who I got a random text from my best friend a few days ago that said “One day, he’s going to text you. That day, you’re going to realize he means nothing to you. He’s just another guy”. It’s already becoming true. I know my situation with guys is different from most woman on here, bc every ones looking for love. I’m not looking for love (not right now anyways), I’m looking for fun, on my time not there’s. But an update on my “fun time”, they are chasing me (I stopped chasing them after reading this article). I never text/call them first, I’m not sending pictures and they don’t ask. But I do have a question……….. If we exchange numbers at a club and he sees me dancing with other guys will he see me as only being an object (not dirty dancing, more like group dancing)? Will he respect me as a woman? Right now none of them are being disrespectful. Is it even possible to have just sexual relationships with them and still be respected? I no longer tell them im only looking to hookup bc I don’t want them assuming im “free” for them. (I currently only slept with one of these guys. I only see him as a fling but I still respect him as a person)

Kay; December 10, 2012 at 9:40 AM
Anonymous said...: How would you respond to this, if you and a guy were talking but then he suddenly started to distance himself from you. We both had feelings for each other and I think the moment he felt like things were getting "REAL" he got scared, and pulled back. Something must have happened for him to act this way. I don't want to freak out or anything and I want to keep as calm and collected as possible. Although, he did get me thinking. He's been keeping his distance for a couple of weeks and just recently wrote to me. This is how our conversation went,

Him: Happy Holidays, what did St. Nicks get you?
Me: Hey you, happy holidays to you too :) How are you?
Him: I'm okay. Just keeping warm. You? Where you been?

I haven't responded yet. It's been 3 days since then and I just don't know what to say. Where have I been? More like WHERE HAS HE BEEN! Help me out here please.; December 10, 2012 at 12:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kay,
"If we exchange numbers at a club and he sees me dancing with other guys will he see me as only being an object (not dirty dancing, more like group dancing)?"

If it's provocative, dirty dancing - yes. If it's just a group having fun and nothing slutty, then - no.

"Is it even possible to have just sexual relationships with them and still be respected?"

No. Men consider women who engage in no strings attached sex to be less respectable women. In otherwords, they're not the kind of girls they'd ever take home to mama. They're the kind of girls they "bang" is all and most of the time, when speaking of them, they don't even refer to them by name.

My male friends chose nicknames like "the girl with the sex toy drawer" or "the red head" or "the Spring Street girl" or "that chic with big t*ts" - they chose names for them that objectify them as "things" and not "people." Which is evidence of how they disrespect that behavior.

They consider the woman to be disrespectful to herself and, as a result, cannot respect her in return.; December 10, 2012 at 5:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 10 5:36PM,
You mirror his behavior with an equal "generic" response, "Been really busy is all? U?"

You don't tell him where you've been or that you've been doing nothing. Why? Because you don't have to answer to him. He's not your boyfriend and he's not your husband.

If he can disappear without explanation then so can you. And if he expects you to still be there after he does that, then he should still be there for you to.

That's balance. And when he realizes that you are balancing his behavior with equal behavior, he'll either give up the sharade and get real with you - or he'll bail and prove he's only "half interested."; December 10, 2012 at 5:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror:

Is it possible that men just get infatuated very quickly and do mean the things they say at first? (I.e. "If I were to move here, would you still be around?" -One guy after 3 weeks of dating. Or... "We have a great Thanksgiving celebration. It would be nice if we could spend it together" -Another guy after 3 dates and it was Sept. Still yet another one, "If you could go anywhere you wanted, where would it be?" Then, he proceeded to tell me that he liked NYC too, but he was going to Chicago soon. What did I think about Chicago? This was after 3 dates, as well.)

Just a few examples of things that were said by 3 different men. I don't think they were players at all; maybe just said things impulsively because they were just infatuated at the newness of the relationship? In one case, there seemed to be a lot of attraction on both our parts.

I feel my error was not recognizing this is just the way men are and probably appeared too eager/available with the one guy I liked, taking it to the extreme of: Wow - he really wants to spend Thanksgiving with me!! Rather than realizing that men kind of mean what they say, but they also live in the moment; they aren't thinking "future" like women do. As a result, the relationship fizzled out. The other (2) I broke it off and it was just natural for me not to want to text them back right away or take their calls right away. It wasn't a game, I just wasn't that interested.

I guess I'm kind of disagreeing with the post that stated, "Why don't we just date men who are interested in US - and quit playing these games". I really believe that I had all these men interested, but I didn't place myself at a distance with the one I really liked and asked for a commitment when it started heating up. Men my age (40's) just don't want to hear that after a motnh, i'm realizing now.

Or, do you think I SHOULD blame him for the disappearing and be upset that he said things that weren't possibly true and NOT blame myself?; December 10, 2012 at 6:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 10, 6:45PM,
Well, here's the thing. Yes, a woman asking any man of any age tends to scare them off. Men will ask women for a commitment when they want one. Which is usually anywhere from 3-6 months into it, and after he tells you he loves you. Men don't commit first, fall in love later. They fall in love first, then commit.

And here's the thing about men and all this BS talk they dish out. Most of the time, men live in fantasy land. They fantasize like two thirds of their day away. It sounds funny, but it's true. Men kinda live in lala land all day, fantasizing about sex, women, seeing themselves as superman, etc. It's just how their brains work.

Which is why I call all that talk BS talk. You can't take it seriously because most of it is pure fantasy - them thinking out loud. And some do it on purpose, to play games with women and test them, and others aren't even aware of what they're saying.

The only way a woman really knows if a man is genuinely interested is - if he pursues her. If he calls, if he makes time for you, if he asks you out on dates. His actions are the only thing you listen to.

I have a funny name for the fantasy land that men live in. I take the man's name and then add "topia" behind it, LOL. So for instance, if his name is Bob, I'd refer to it as "Bobtopia" - he's living in "Bobtopia." Or if his name is Phil, "Philtopia" - he's living in "Philtopia."

Just a way to keep it all in perspective I guess, LOL.; December 11, 2012 at 8:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 10, 6:45PM,
Oh and to clarify on the post that said ""Why don't we just date men who are interested in US - and quit playing these games."

I wish women here would stop reading into this like that and see it for what it really is. This ISN'T about playing GAMES. This is about HOLDING YOUR OWN and not getting run over emotionally.

Women don't wanna play games - but men do. As a woman, you are then left with only two choices:

One: Get run over by not looking out for yourself, believing everything he's telling you, giving him the benefit of doubt all the time and overlooking his poor treatment of you by making up excuses for him constantly.

Two: Take certain actions to call their bluff, to call them on their game, to let them know you're not stupid - and protect yourself.

I choose the second option. Unfortunately, lots of nice girls, tend to chose the first option. Then they show up here, wondering what went wrong and refer to my suggestions here as a game.

I didn't start the game. I only discovered, by reading many books on relationships, psychology, etc., the solutions that many provided and compiled them here for you. Bottom line, however, is - everyone has free will. And as a result, they get to make their own decisions in life - and either reap the rewards for them, or the consequences. Choice is yours.

Yes, I would be upset for the disappearing act. However, if he's genuinely interested, he'll be back. If he comes back and levels with you, you can give him ONE shot at the benefit of the doubt - use your free will and if you think he deserves it, the give it to him.

But if he burns you again, that was his one shot and you move on. Don't stick around for excuses and games and poor treatment - just move on.; December 11, 2012 at 8:18 AM
Anonymous said...: I need help. I likethis guy and he realy seemed to like me. Starred at me all the time etc. Recently he has pulled the dissappearing act. He would ride by me and stare me down a few weeks ago but, now, gone, out of sight. He has had some bad things happen in his life over the past few months, a death, a loss at work. Does he not like me anymore. He starred me down every single day for atleast a year? I think he is shy because he never talks to me. I so upset and realy like him. what should I do. I fear he all of a sudden lost interest or could he just be going through a hard time and hurting me in the process?; December 11, 2012 at 8:25 PM
men-are-complicated said...: men r really weird; u get so many different reactions from men..

1- if u hang out with a man and u only persue him as a friend and u wana keep it at the respectful friendship level, when all he wants from u is sex, he will still back off cause he doesnt give a dam abt friendship and u r not gona give him sex, he knows it ; its obvious then HE also runs away

2-if u start dating a man and u develop feelings for him faster than he does, both on the right track but women tend to fall for a man faster, and therefore starts to have needs quicker, and when the man tries her out and is able to seriously make out/have sex... he also will run away because either he is afraid she will need commitment or he will disrespect her for giving herself too soon or he will have had what he needs and is no longer interested or doesnt wana invest further in a woman he has tasted !!

3-a man and woman maybe dating steadily for a year or 2, have a commitment, enjoying sex and other aspects in life, the woman usualy maintains a steady feeling and warmth in a relation and probably love him more each day; where as always a man's love /care starts to decrease by time... being less anxious, less evertyhing the curve just starts to go down and they will no longer be on the same wavelegth... and sooner or later he will start coming with excuses to move away... probably it is time for him to experience a new relation , new woman new blood new love nw thrill and the poor old woman is left alone

so i dono when is a man ever stable and to be trusted to maintain a proper relation !!! will the probabilty of man "changing" or "backing off" or "running away" always high????

i am sick and tired of dealing with them at all levels...; December 12, 2012 at 2:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 11, 8:25PM,
I'm sorry dear, but there's nothing you can really do. You need to accept that he's gone. Just sit tight, I'm sure he'll be back.; December 12, 2012 at 8:22 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Men Are Complicated,
Yes, I know. It's quite the conundrum isn't it? Which is why that old saying, "Keep a man on his toes" still applies today. It's tough maintaining their interests, particularly when the male gender seems to have been stricken with some sort of dating A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder).

It's a fine line it appears . . but really it's not. What is REALLY boils down to is - if the man truly loves you, he'll stick around. If he doesn't or he was only half interested, he'll stick around a little while and then leave.

But men who are in love stick around for the most part.

And the rest - well, they're just exhausting us all, LOL.; December 12, 2012 at 8:28 AM
Anonymous said...: This is a wonderful site. Everything you wrote is very true. I am Virgo woman who dated a Leo man. I thought we had something but later discovered all he ever wanted was the behind. We are friends now but I wonder why I didn't pick up o the clues; December 15, 2012 at 4:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, when you wrote "don't be surprised if he amps up his efforts to reach you in the near future", I LOL'ed because I didn't really believe it.

After the second text I ignored of his (9 days ago), I thought to myself - I think he'll take the hint and just move on, and focus all his energy on the girl he's with. I'm not even in his city yet; he's wasting his time.

Then lo and behold - this morning, I got another text from him!! (Haven't read it yet; I don't see the point.)

How can I tell if he's still trying to reach me because he has a need to win (like I do), and not because he genuinely misses/thinks of me? And at what point do men stop trying?

Part of the reason why I'm not responding is because I committed to 30 days of NC (it has been 20 days so far), but also, I'm afraid if I DO respond, he'll think "okay she's still there, I got her to respond", then turn the tables and disappear on me.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just more effective to casually point out what behavior I wasn't pleased with - and see if he changes or not, rather than jumping straight to NC without warning like I did this time.

No regrets though; NC did help me realize that I can walk away from ANY man at ANY point. I never had that empowered feeling before (since I never walked away from a guy that I thought was great on paper), and it makes me so much stronger.

You wrote, "having been through NC and realizing their value, lots of times, the woman no longer sees any value in the man." YES, SO TRUE! That's where I'm at now. I do see some value in him (he's a great kisser LOL), but he falls short in all other areas when it comes to internal qualities (he is externally successful though).

- Vivian; December 16, 2012 at 5:43 PM
Anonymous said...: I just finished reading Why Men Love Bitches. Lol so very true. I could identify with some mistakes i made. But one thing is bothering me. According to that book, even after marriage one needs to be alert and keep the man on his toes. When does this end? or does this ever end? Phew! Exhausting. May be staying single is the better option.; December 16, 2012 at 10:09 PM
confused@woman said...: hi
i wrote to you before about the lover that asked me to be friends after 1.5 yrs of dating because he feels guilty towards his xwife and kids

ever since he's taken that decision, he calls me 3 or 4 times daily and u know i never initiate a call
u advised me before to pick up on him once instead of 4 a day...
i also show him i have alife and busy with my own interests rather than just sit arnd waiting for him

it has been 2 mnths since we r "just friends" however last friday he called me and was sooo in the mood to flirt and horny etc and he needed to talk like the times when we were dating

unfortunately i didnt turn him down cuz i needed him too sooo much...we had a long warm conversation and he hung up

second day he resumed his friendly calls as normal only this evening he asked to see me briefly by my car when he finishes work and i said ok ill pass by

we stood together for 5 mins, havent seen him since 2 mnths ago... he was friendly but cold friendly, avoiding eye contact... for sure not a man who misses a woman, just a man who is being very conservative and careful he doesnt wake up any feeling inside me :((

i feltbad and wished i hadnt gone and wished i hadnt given him a chance to flirt that day

he is not playing games, i feel he is trying to maintain the friendly relation only and is being careful i do not demand anything more...

do u think he has feelings inside for me and is fighting them?? why did he ask to see me for 5 mins?

if he doesnt care at all why is he maintaining contact?

am i wrong to respond to his calls and rquest to meet?

oh well i love him and was being veryyyy patient hoping one day he will miss me like do him, i dono if those r signs that he is actually missing me or he is just testing my response and seeing if i am available, bearing there is not one day since we broke the love relation, that he has not called me more than once; December 17, 2012 at 7:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

I'm soooo glad I came across this article as I've been in a haze of confusion over the guy I'm sort of seeing. I met this 37yr old Aquarius male (I'm a 28yr old Scorpio) on an online dating site, we chatted for a few days before we finally met for a coffee.
Everything went great on the 1st date we simply sat and talked for hours. He was very forthcoming in immediately arranging a 2nd date and we were communicating via text and phone daily, sometimes staying on the phone for hours.

I have been single for 3yrs after being badly burnt by my Aries ex whom I have a 3yr old with, so I am very cautious about getting into anything too serious too soon although I do want a boyfriend.
This guy initiated a conversation with me after put 1st date and told me he doesn't do multiple sexual partners and only dates one person at a time which kinda threw me a second as we'd only had one date. So I told him I wasn't looking for anything too serious, now I'm wondering if this sparked his recent behavior.

We had 3 more dates with the 4th one lasting all of 9hours. He was calling/texting all the time even telling me how he was telling his friends about me etc. on the 5th date I caved and slept with him. Things immediately started to change soon after that. He wasn't texting me as constantly as he used to and went 3days without calling. I also notice he hasn't mentioned another date since we had sex a week ago. I spoke to him a few days ago (he was returning my call) and he was so distant and impersonal on the phone, where he said he was feeling depressed bla bla bla the conversation lasted all of 5mins, to which he said he'd call back immediately and never did, instead I got a text to which I didn't respond.

So I read your article in despair and decided to do the NC rule. I ignored his texts and the next morning he was texting asking if I was getting his msgs to which I didn't respond. He called me that evening and I didn't answer, and he called again half an hour later and I answered. Now although we're talking I still feel he's starting to pull away again, and still hasn't mentioned seeing me. Can you advise me on how to handle this situation? Am I being naive here? Should I do NC again and if so, for how long?

Thank you for all your advice!; December 17, 2012 at 3:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused Woman,
Well I think "no contact" is finally starting to work here. And no surprise that it's two months into it. They usually come back two weeks to two or three months into no contact, hehe.

Yes, I think he cares for you. Yes, I think he's hiding it. Yes, I think he's missing you. Yes, I think that's why he wanted to see you. And yes, I think he's being cautious that you won't become too needy of him so he's slowly dipping his toes in the water.

This is how it works, honey. And that's how they return to you after you use a "no contact" of sorts approach with them - very cautiously.

So now that you've pulled back and you're not so available to him anymore and you haven't seen him in months . . he's becoming curious.

Take this slow and DON'T jump back in. Take it very slow. Make yourself scarce to him and he'll begin to miss you even more and amp up his efforts to reach you.

Our dear lady Vivian didn't believe me when I told her that same thing in one of my comments here in this thread, but she just wrote the other day to say - he contacted her again ;-)

It works honey. Stay scarce, pull back and let him come to you - and there's a good chance he will do that.; December 17, 2012 at 4:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @All The Ladies Here,
Just as an aside . . . BEWARE!!

The holidays are fast approaching and many of you will most likely be hearing from some of these men we've been discussing here, LOL ;-); December 17, 2012 at 4:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 17, 3:16PM,
Yep, you pull back on this one. He's teetering right now and since he's tasted the goods, most likely he's affected by the online dating epidemic that most men fall into on those sites - so many women, so little time. And they each think the grass is greener (but they're too silly to realize they still have to mow it).

What men on dating sites tend to do is this:

1) Try real hard until they sample the goods
2) Once they've given you a test run, they "back burner" you
3) They continue to date around and explore their options for several months
4) When their options begin to run dry (i.e. they've dated all of the women that have contacted them and the number of women contacting them begins to dye down), they circle around for "seconds" with the women they've already dated
5) Once they've had second or sometimes thirds, they then begin to whiddle down their options, ridding themselves of some of the women they've been with for good while pulling themselves closer to others.
5) At some point in time, they'll make a decision, pick one and get off the site.

But sometimes, that can be a year or two. Ghastly, I know. But I watched a man do this for TWO YEARS on a dating site. Yes, two years.

And he ended up moving a girl in with him that he met about 3-4 months into his time on the site. He had burned her a couple of times in the past yet, she always came back.

In the end, I don't think he really picked her - I think she was the only one left who would put up with his crap, LOL, so he settled.

He was a cheat (yes, even while his wife was carrying their second child during his marriage) and honestly, I think she must be an idiot for entering a relationship with this man.

But hey, to each his own. (Although I'm quite sure she likes him more than he likes her.)

That's not a success story by any means, LOL . . but it gives you a glimpse into how men on dating sites tend to operate.

So you pull back, you continue to date other men, and you live your life - he'll be back, LOL.; December 17, 2012 at 5:03 PM
Anonymous said...: UPDATE: I'm the 28yr old Scorpio who just wrote about the 37yr old Aquarius who's acting distant after sex on the 5th date.
So we were having a text conversation where I mentioned I'm looking at going somewhere sunny on holiday after Xmas to escape the London cold.
He sent me a response saying, and I quote:
"You booked your holiday yet, going anywhere nice? Pity really, for me that is, I was hoping to lure you down to the country for a couple of days after new year"!

The first that popped in my mind is the fact that he has no intention of seeing me till AFTER the new year, and even then he wants me to pack my bags abc go his place in the country where I have no doubt he's expecting we'll be getting naked together.

I'm so confused, please help!; December 17, 2012 at 5:24 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm still enjoying all your advice I've been reading. Curious to know what you have to say about my situation:

I became reacquainted with a guy from my (small) hometown in April. For about 80 percent of the weekends last summer I hung out with him and his friends - at his invitation.

We exchanged friendly, flirty text messages every 3-4 days or so. He initiated most of them. He always replied quickly when I sent him a text and he always did what he said he was going to do (i.e. get in touch with me when he said he would).

His attraction to me was obvious: the way he looked at me, flirted with me, and complimented me. He sent me very flirty text messages, and his friends often made comments about him liking me. I have a pretty keen gut, and I never got any weird vibes from him. I never got the feeling there were other women.

He finally asked me out on an official date in August. I was thrilled. His reply indicated he was somewhat surprised and relieved (but happy) that I accepted.

Then he backed off.

Three weeks after that, he wished me Happy Birthday on Facebook. Two weeks after that he sent me a text (presumably while out with friends) at 12:15am that said, “Hey you, I haven’t heard from you in forever. How have you been?” I replied a day and a half later, “Good to hear from you. Sorry for late reply. I’ve been busy all weekend. Thanks.” He never replied.

We had sporadic contact over texts the next week or so, much of it initiated by me (I was feeling really anxious). He texted me the Thursday before Halloween to tell me about a party at a local bar that weekend. The night after that (a Friday) he texted me to let me know he and a friend were having a drink and asked what I was doing (I was busy). The night after that he sent me another text making sure I was going to be at the party that night.

That night of the party was a disaster. Long story short: I was out with a girlfriend and we had been drinking. I told this friend NOT to say ANYTHING to him - several times. What did she do? She asked him if he was interested in me. He told her he liked me “as a friend”. I found him later, asked him about it (bad, I know, but I was drinking) and he confirmed this, saying he’s been single a long time, he likes his freedom and doesn’t want a relationship (I’m sure he’d be ok with FWB, which I’m not ok with). I was shocked, but I walked away and said, “Your loss.” He said he knew it was.

I sent him a text message the next night, asking if I could call him (I wanted to apologize for my friend confronting him). I told him I *wasn’t* going to bite his head off and I didn’t want to “have a talk”. He never replied. He had NEVER deliberately ignored me like that before.

I sent him a Facebook message the day after that, apologizing for my friend putting him on the spot. I told him I was sorry the feelings weren’t mutual, that it was ok, I understood. I told him I couldn’t be friends right now, and told him I deleted him from my Facebook and my phone, but if he changed his mind in the future to call me. He never replied to that message either. We haven’t spoken since, and it’s now been 7 weeks.

I am just so confused by his behavior! I know he liked me and was attracted to me, so why all the games and blowing hot and cold? Is he a ‘disappearing man’ who might reappear in the future? Did I make a mistake telling him I deleted his number from my phone? Although I’m pretty much ‘over it’ and am enjoying male attention from others, I really felt this guy was a good fit for me.

-Sassy Brunette; December 18, 2012 at 12:16 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

Keep up the great work! Have been reading the posts--telling my girlfriends to read this site! Had to come in and post for an update on Sag volunteer-flake guy. Last I wrote in mid-October,I was upset because Sag. guy MIA, was all anyone could talk about in the office so I decided to change my schedule and just come in on Sundays, staying out of the fray and reducing any possibilities of seeing him. Self-preservation!

This pretty much worked, although I started feeling a little anxious about the holiday party. I even considered not going because I've been under a lot of stress with finals/school and I just wanted time to myself. However, I reconsidered because being around friends makes things better. So I showed up to the party, saw his right away, but luckily was led away into the kitchen to be with friends. He left the party shortly afterwards, never saying a word to me-Yay!

Later, as I'm saying goodbye to the volunteer coordinator, she tells me that Sag guy has taken the shift after mine on Sundays. Yeah, WTH! I act chill but what I'm really wondering is WHYYYYY??? I decide to just leave it alone, probably just convenient for his schedule, whatever.

The following day was Sunday so I go in and Sag guy shows up late. He asked me about the party, I said it was fine, that it was nice--not giving away to much. I asked him to hold on a sec, and continued closing out my shift paperwork. We did the shift change, the phone rang and he answered. He hands me the phone no saying a word. I'm surprised because I'm off duty-- he says it's for me--and he seems bothered/moody. I'm taken aback because I'm wondering who's calling (Sag guy makes it seem like it's a personal call). I put on my professional voice---it was a patient returning my call. As I'm taking care of business, I had to lean over and click onto the computer screen-very close to Sag guy, but not touching. In my head I was thinking "I hope you're suffering Motherfucker!"

A few more words were exchanged. I was polite and nice--but I did not get hooked into his charms. I thanked him for coming in and asked his directly if this was his shift now--which he confirmed. "Okay then, I guess I might see you next week. Bye!"

I was pretty proud of the way I handle my business. But I can't help feeling a little annoyed. Really?

Any thoughts on the matter are greatly appreciate!

Aquarius Sun, Aries rising; December 18, 2012 at 3:33 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

I did the no contact thing because Sag guy showed that he couldn't keep his word and went MIA. Thought about him between October and now, but less frequently. When I'd start to obsess I'd remind myself that he's just an acquaintance and I don't know him at all. I've been busy with my life--dating here and there. Now I've got to see this MoFo on Sundays? Is this his retarded way of seeing me? Are these more games? As the Godfather said "Just when I thought I was out----THEY PULL ME BACK IN!"

I'm not going to be pulled in my BS crumbs--is it my imagination or his he doing this as a move?

Aquarius Sun, Aries rising; December 18, 2012 at 3:42 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror:

Just curious... Is there ever a time when a man just falls in love at first sight - or is that just a fairy tale? I know several people who have met online and the romance just seemed to develop very quickly and last. It seems like it was love at first sight for them. I know one person who was recently married from an online romance. Did they just get lucky? Or do you think the man just fell for them more than the woman was interested and that's why it worked?; December 18, 2012 at 8:14 AM
Anonymous said...: I wish I had read this before my on and off friend of nearly 4 years resurfaced yet again earlier in the month. I especially like the other women's inquiries and your response. He has come in and out of my life and I have allowed him to do so. He doesn't apologize for his behavior and I am usually on an emotional roller coaster. In the past I had asked for a definition to our relationship, knowing I was the only one he spent time. Each time we got past this or it caused him to disappear. But after the last time he left and returned in a less than favorable manner, I decided to be more up front. He has since stopped answering phone calls. I promised God I wouldn't call anymore or do anything (a promise you must keep above all others - though every promise is important). Even though it breaks my heart, I don't think I can continue to care for him as I did in past if he is going to continue in this way. I have dated others, but those relationships ended quickly for different reasons. I have had feelings for him for a long time, but I need to put my faith in God's plan and accept that this man may not be part of it. There are so many other things I could write to justify why I would go through it time and again, but I don't want to make it too long or spend too much time crying. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing - and thank you to the other women too.; December 18, 2012 at 11:15 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for that response Aphrodite, you're definitely right in that I need to pull back. I'm so new at this online dating stuff I think I need to not be so easily trusting of these men.
I posted an update yesterday about the Aquarius man I asked about but I don't think it came through. Anyway, he emailed and asked if I wanted to come up to the countryside after the new year and spend a few days at his parents place (they're going away). This will make it a good 3weeks since we've seen each other if I see him after new year and I was a little concerned about this as I feel he has ample opportunity to see me before then but is not making an effort.

So I responded casually and said a couple of days in the country sounds awesome though I think it's a little early for us to be planning days away together, we'll see how we go.
He then responded by saying that he feels like I'm trying to let him down gently. He proceeded to say he doesn't understand how I was ok with spending a night in a hotel with him (moment of weakness on 5th date) but I wasn't willing to come spend a few days with him. He then wrote...Are we no longer involved in thy way?

I'm so confused by all this now, did I give him the wrong impression? Is is too late to do damage control? Please help me, I don't know how to handle this from here.

Frustrated Scorpio; December 18, 2012 at 11:27 AM
Nicole said...: I recently went on a date from someone that pursued me on match.com (he wrote to me 3x before I responded in a matter of 3-4 weeks). He is an older (I'm 26 and he's 32) good looking lebanese orthodontist who is busy and me too. After sharing what we had in common (i'm italian, we both have big close religious families) we started talking everyday, but we both take hours to respond unless it's in the evening/night, my job keeps me super busy it wasn't intentional but he mirrors how long it takes to text back. We went on a great date after 2 weeks of talking, when i was in town two weeks ago (i live 2 hours away but do a lot of work in his city). The next weekend I was maybe coming again and he was suppose to be out of town, then he said that his grandma passed and cancelled his trip but didn't ask me out and I didn't push bc of the circumstances. I ended up not coming due to weather but he still never called and we went days without talking which was odd. I gave him my condolences monday since he mentioned everyone flew in that weekend for the funeral monday. He didn't respond until a day later! He said he was so sorry he didn't respond and that things were hectic with his family all being here but they left that day and it was very nice to hear from me. He seems nice and genuine, but i can't fight the feeling that all this distance, lack of asking me for a second date and delayed responses could mean he's seeing someone else. I haven't responded yet to his text. Should I? And if I should, what should I say? I'm starting to really like him (could be the bc of the rubber band principle) but he could be dishonest. I know he had a death and that may override his lack of communication, but I think if a guy texted me he was sorry for my loss and checked on me I would appreciate it and send him a message back, or at least tell him I'm sorry that I can't see him if he's coming to my town due to my family being around. Please help!; December 18, 2012 at 12:11 PM
Bluebird said...: Hello,

I just wanted to make a comment in regards to the post from Anonymous Dec. 6, 8:44PM. I do think that confrontation is extreme and can result in the end of the relationship. However, I also believe what you have said over and over Mirror....they always come back. I have found that to be oh so true. What I did was a tactic that I knew could make him go away for good, but I was willing to risk that because I have had enough of the disrespect. I think sometimes you need to send a shock to their system. That was so unlike me that he is probably still scratching his head. Also his birthday came and went last week and he didn't hear a peep from me. No Happy Birthday. Nothing. I have been thinking over this almost 4 year relationship and have come to the conclusion that this sag likes to push me away for a while when he feels that I am making him “answer to me” as a sort of punishment. He has done it over and over. I think he does it to try to put me back in my place. Then he comes back. Now this time he may not and I am ready to move on. But here is the interesting thing. I told him not to call or text and said there was someone else out there that would respect me. I mean I read the man the riot act. A few days later I ran into him at work. He was with a group of co-workers. We don’t work together, but round about in the same area. I said hello to his co-workers and did not even look at him. Later that day I got a text that said......”It was a shock to see you, but I still like seeing you because you have a so sexy look about you”. That in my opinion is his attempt at one big mind game. That comment in and of itself was so incredibly manipulating to me. If you really want out and don’t want to answer to someone, then don’t turn around and tell them they are sexy. Many men play games and try to keep that string attached so they can yank it back when they are ready. That text made me lose some respect for him. It was so obvious that was his way of tugging on that string just a little. Mirror, any thoughts?; December 18, 2012 at 1:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous December 17, 2012 5:24PM,
There's nothing to be confused about - he's expecting to get naked, LOL.

It's pretty cut and dry . . .; December 18, 2012 at 5:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sassy Brunette,
Well, this one's a 50/50 situation. I feel most men always come back at some point, and he may, too. But since you kinda got emotional (angry) and deleted him from your phone and FB, and then told him you did that, LOL . . I dunno. Depends on if his ego is shattered or not.

That friend really effed that up for you though. That I will say. Which is why I don't trust too many women - sorry, ladies, LOL. I'm sure you're all wonderful people, but there's just something about women - their inability to stop talking all the damn time - that I simply don't trust. So I don't divulge information like that to too many women. Besides, women turn vindictive and competitive with one another - and they take all that personal info you share with him - and use it to smear you someday when they've decided they'd done being your friend.

Yea, admit it, ladies - it happens. You know who you are, LOL ;-)

She completely freaked him out - completely. She was a complete stranger and she confronted him with sensitive stuff - and completely freaked him out.; December 18, 2012 at 5:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Aquarius Sun, Aries Rising,
Yea, he's up to something, LOL. Men don't make strategic moves like that for no reason. I think he's testing the waters quite frankly . . and he's making it look as if that's not what he's doing by switching a shift and making it look like it's simply work.

I think he's attempting to get close to you, be around you.

But you handled it perfectly! Keep addressing it like that and I bet after a month or so of that - he's going to approach you and divulge that he's trying to spend time with you.

Which is odd, I mean, what's up with these guys anyway? If you want to spend time with a woman, just ask her out for crying out loud.

Why they insist on playing games, I'll never know, LOL.; December 18, 2012 at 5:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous December 18, 2012 8:14AM,
Well, I don't think love at first sight necessarily exists - infatuation at first sight, yes. Lust at first sight, yes. But infatuation and lust (yes, on rare occasions, even lust. But I said lust, not sex, LOL) can turn into love if the two respect one another.

I think those situations are rare - but that doesn't mean they can't and don't happen. They do from time to time.

But they are rare occasions.; December 18, 2012 at 5:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Frustrated Scorpio,
Well, because he's tasted the goods once already, he's assuming they're available to him now whenever he wants them. Which is what happens.

So now, he's confused. He's thinking, "Why won't she sleep with me? We slept together before?"

Too bad. Let him be confused. He's looking for someone to have weekend rendezvous with whenever he damn well pleases - and he'll disappear right after them, too, mark my words.

He's not looking for a relationship - he's looking for a good time.; December 18, 2012 at 5:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Nicole,
Yea, he's dating others - he is on a dating site, honey. And you should be dating, too. You don't stop dating around simply because you've had one or two dates with a guy, sweetie. You don't stop dating or exploring your options until:

1) someone says I love you
2) you've agreed to date exclusively
3) you've agreed to a commitment

ALWAYS assume that men you meet on a dating website are dating other women - because they ARE. And YOU should be too.

You can't lose yourself in a guy, you have to keep your options open and keep exploring and assume he's doing the same until one or the both of you confess feelings for one another.

Which is why you DON'T sleep with men right away. They're dating other women and you'll get hurt. You date a man long enough first - so that he begins to develop feelings for you, prove to you that he's genuinely interested by continuing to come around and ask you out.

Especially when dating online - DO NOT sleep with these guys right away because they're all dating other women.

I know you didn't say you slept with him and I'm not assuming you did, I'm warning you is all, because you're dating online - so take it slow with every single one of those guys you meet there, because they ARE dating other women.

You've had only one date here. To expect him to want to commit after one date isn't reasonable, sweetie.

You continue to date him if he asks you out - but you DON'T sleep with him, you simply date him - casually (i.e. no sex) and you get to know him better before placing any expectations on him or the situation.; December 18, 2012 at 5:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bluebird,
Oh yes, indeed. He was testing you to see if you're serious this time or not.

And I'll tell you what. Many women have a hard time accepting and believing this - but the more serious you are, the longer you stay away, the more you ignore them - the more serious they suddenly and miraculously become about you.

It's the damndest thing, LOL.

I have a girlfriend, she's like a pseudo mother and mentor to me. She's 68 years old, has never been married, and is a pro at handling men. And she always says to me:

"I swear these damn guys - the worse you treat them, the more they like you."

And that, ladies, is very, very true.

Ever notice how the men that you don't like and ignore and treat with disregard - are the one's blowing up your phone? And the one's you like, the one's you give lots of attention to, the one's you chase down - run the hell away from you, LOL?

It's very true, ladies. Many times, putting a man in his place in a somewhat respectful manner, without being incredibly emotional, mean or nasty - sets them right on their ass. They think about it, and they eventually realize you're right, and they were a jerk.

And here they come again . . . LOL ;-)

And that's another phrase that girlfriend of min likes to use all the time. She tells me:

"You need to set this one on his ass."

I do.

And they come back.

It's the damndest thing, LOL.; December 18, 2012 at 6:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I should clarify . . by "setting him on his ass" she means - put him on the shelf. Set him aside. Ignore him, don't respond to him and pretend he's not there. She doesn't mean confront him, she means literally "set him aside."

Works like a charm, gal ;-); December 18, 2012 at 6:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Just another story to add…..lol
So I exchange numbers with a guy who has caught my eye since early October. We made small chat when we see each other but almost two weeks ago is when he made the first move (getting my number). He calls me that night, then texts, very simple communication from both of us. He then texts me the next evening asking how my previous night out was. I replied when I had time (a few hours later) and he replied right back so we kept the conversation going. On the previous night he mentioned doing something with me Friday night, and I told him I was free. However on the next evening he mentions nothing about Friday and I don’t bring it up. He did say how he’s sorry he didn’t join me Saturday evening but will make it up to me. (we didn’t have plans, I invited him to a friend’s house party last minute and he couldn’t go because of work)I told him I was holding him to that and he replied “that’s fine with me ;)” and I replied “=)”. That was it, well Friday came and went, it’s been 10 days since our last texts and I’m not sending him one. I went to the regular bar on Thursday but skipped my regular club on sat because I had other plans. I am keeping myself very busy and as much as I want to see him I’m not too sure what to think. I don’t know if he thinks I’m just a booty call (we have not done anything), did he loose interest or is he testing me on my reactions to him not contacting me? Either way I’m not contacting him, whatever he wants he needs to be a big boy and go after it, if not his loss. And when he does contact me (gut feeling he will), I’m going to wait the exact time length to reply. He has been "set aside" =); December 19, 2012 at 9:28 AM
Nicole said...: Not to worry, I have not slept with him! Nor have we done anything but hug. I'm not a prude but I have slept with few men since I wait until I see it going somewhere.
But he still seems to text me a lot. Although he took a day to get back to me over the weekend and normally he does not take that long. So I am mirroring him and waiting a day as well!

I'll try to just be distant and let him continue to contact me. One more question.. he talks to me a lot about my family/interests/vacations, almost daily now. (We also have an inside joke about our competitiveness with board games. He is always texting me pictures of different games for us to play) but he hasn't asked me out on a second date yet and I am super confused! Why is he putting in this effort without asking me out? But, I suppose if he is dating many others, he is putting me on the back burner and that's why he's not asking?

As for getting back out there for dating, I could reinstate my match profile? I deleted it because I wasn't finding anyone, but I suppose that it could be different now, it has been a few months. But then he would see it.. Would that get under his skin in a bad way?

Thank you MOA!!! I'm so thankful I found your site!; December 19, 2012 at 12:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 19, 9:28AM,
Yep, you need to set that one on his ass, LOL ;-)

Onto the shelf he goes . . . let him sit there and get dusty a while.; December 19, 2012 at 3:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Nicole,
" I suppose if he is dating many others, he is putting me on the back burner and that's why he's not asking?"

Most likely. He's exploring his options as much as he can before settling down with someone I suspect.

"I could reinstate my match profile?"

Yes, do that. There's "fresh meat" coming onto those sites daily, LOL ;-) If nothing else, it'll distract you from him by receiving attention from other men, which is good for confidence and self-esteem.

"But then he would see it.. Would that get under his skin in a bad way?"

I don't mean to laugh at you, but that question made me chuckle, sweetie, hehe.

First of all, why would he see it? Because he, himself is there. How can someone be upset at you for being there - when they're there as well?

And who cares if it gets under his skin in a bad way. Your job isn't to worry about the happiness of some guy you went on a date or two with. Your job is to worry about yourself and your own happiness.

That's a top mistake women make with men - they wait for them. Don't do that. You don't know if he's coming back or not someday and you don't need to be wasting precious time waiting around for that to happen.

And bottom line, if a guy on a dating website is going to get upset over a girl being there as well - then he's not the kind of guy you want to date anyway.

No one is committed here. No one is in love and no one has agreed to be exclusive. You're not obligated to him, he's not your boyfriend and he's not your husband. You don't have to answer to him or explain yourself or your actions.

You're your own woman. Take control of your own happiness and do as you please. That's one of the beauties of being a single woman ;-); December 19, 2012 at 3:40 PM
Anonymous said...: So after a little over a month of NC; my taurus guy has reappeared with a random "hey" text. Mirror- you were right. They do come back and I guess he is trying to feel me out. I still like him (ugh) but I have met someone else who I have decided to give a chance- going out and see what happens. No labels, no rush. My second date with the new guy is planned for tomorrow evening. I plan on waiting at least 3 days before responding to taurus male but then does a "hey" even warrant a response?; December 19, 2012 at 9:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 19, 9:22PM,
LOL, so funny. Because I'm seeing more "hey, he's back" comments now. And the reason is because the discussion of "no contact" first stated take place a couple of months ago here. And because it takes men a lot longer than women to miss people and process emotions, it's taken them a couple of months to start coming around again.

But now, you're starting to see that the ladies who began "no contact" a month or two back - are now beginning to report, "He's back, it worked."

And the other trend I'm beginning to see in the comments is that - once the jerk returns, the women have all become stronger via "no contact" and don't really even care or want the guy back all that badly anymore ;-)

Ah, the proverbial "hey" text huh, LOL? No, I don't think that even warrants a response necessarily. It's not a question, it's akin to seeing someone on the street and waving at them. If this guy was a real jerk and was really ignorant and really caused you some serious pain, I wouldn't respond (because chances are if you don't, you'll hear from him again anyway). I'd make it live with the consequences and sweat it out until I was ready to acknowledge him, if that day ever comes LOL.

Should you decide to respond, mirror him. Simply say, "hey" - I love turning the tables on these guys. So you say what he said - hey. (Betcha he ignores that though, because he'll know right then and there that you're onto him, you've got his number, LOL) He'd probably come back again someday anyway. But he'll know you're onto the game he's playing. He'll either:

1) Ignore you indefinitely
2) Wait 3 days to get back to you (mirror you)
3) Respond immediately

And regardless of which one of those things happen, once they contact you once, they generally make additional attempts.

But I don't think I would contact him. I don't think I'd give him the opportunity to ignore me and I don't think I'd give him the opportunity to distract me from a new man. One that's treating me right and one that could be Mr. Right, you never know.

I think the new guy deserves a chance. The Taurus guy GOT his chance, and he BLEW it. Don't let him mess this up with the new guy for you.

Taurus will be there. Even if he ignores you, you got him now, you got his number and you know he thinks of you. So even if you ignore him and date the new guy and it doesn't work out. If you ever want to "tap" the Taurus guy someday, you can do that - and simply say, "hey" LOL ;-); December 20, 2012 at 8:38 AM
Anonymous said...: I've been seeing a guy for about 10 weeks. We have a blast together. Have many things in common. We see each other 2 - 3 times a week. He travels quite a bit for work, but we're always texting and staying in touch. We had plans to spend the Holiday together. He asked me if I wanted to go to an adjacent town on 12/25 overnight to meet some friends of his that are going to be in town. I said, "yes." Then he asked via text if I would be willing to pay for half the hotel cost. He makes 3 times more than I do. I was insulted and asked him via text if he was kidding. I didn't hear from him for a day, so I sent a text telling him we would figure out the payment later and that I was excited about our little excursion. He text back, "I would like to take a break for awhile - want some room to think. I don't want to mislead you." So, I picked up the phone, which he did not answer, and said that I appreciated his honesty, but wanted to talk to him. He text back the next day, "Agree we should talk - think right after Christmas may be best time." WTF? I don't get it! We had all these fun plans.; December 20, 2012 at 10:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous,
Well, this is a prime example of what I mean about men's actions speaking louder than their words. And about how important it is for a man to prove himself to a woman. And when he doesn't, how that is a red flag to steer yourself away from.

This guy was looking for a good time and someone to pal around with, have sex with, etc. He's not looking for a relationship. And the moment I read, "He asked me to pay for half the room" I knew instantly - he's not serious about this.

Only to read the rest of your comment, to see his response indicating that no, he is not serious about this.

These guys nowadays frankly piss me off. They don't want to lift a finger for a woman and it makes me sick. If he wants sex, then he better get used to treating a woman right in order to attain that outcome. How these guys think that they can put absolutely nothing into something, yet reap huge rewards and benefits from it, amazes me to no end. What a bunch of lazy, ignorant jags.

When a man asks you to go "stag" or split a bill, he's not interested. He's just looking for fun.

And if a man invites you somewhere as his guest - be it a wedding, a romantic getaway weekend, a retreat of some sort, or out of town for any reason, or to come visit him out of town - they should ALWAYS . . and I repeat ALWAYS . . be gentlemen enough to foot the bill and treat you like a lady.

Women are settling for this type of poor treatment nowadays from men and are throwing themselves at them and - it's making them extremely lazy and they're losing respect for women because of it.

Don't talk to him, ever. Forget him. He disrespected you, he's not serious about this, he's seeking sex, he's being lazy about it and it's all about him. He'll never be able to make you happy in the long run and as time goes on, you'll feel unfulfilled and unhappy with him as a result. Because he's clearly never going to be able to make you feel like a lady and treat you well and with the respect you deserve.

He's not going to lift a finger here. And the fact that he bailed on all these fun plans and ignored your attempts to rectify this . . he's an ass, he's rude, ignorant and inconsiderate.

Not the qualities you want in a mate. I would not reach out to him ever again and if he contacts you after Christmas or next year, LOL . . don't answer.

He chose not to be with you. Let that be his loss. Let him learn a lesson here and live with the consequences of his decision and his ignorant treatment:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Never reward a man that's treating you poorly by showering him with attention, ever.

And never treat someone like a priority while they're treating you like an option.

He'll never be able to make you happy. He's only capable of making you feel bad about yourself and making you question yourself and making you feel insulted.

Screw him.

And you know what I hit men like this with when they pull these stupid stunts? I ask them, "Would you like ME to court YOU? Want me to buy you flowers and take you out to a nice dinner? Do you want to be my bitch?"

It's harsh, I know. But if they have the gall to treat a woman like this, then I believe I have the gall to give it right back to them by embarrassing them and making them feel stupid.; December 20, 2012 at 11:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies, if a man can treat you as if you're disposable . . . then you throw him in the trash, where he belongs. ;-); December 20, 2012 at 11:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror-

Thanks for the response. You are always right on! I will not be responding to the "hey" text and if he disappears indefinitely, so be it! He wasn't an outward "real jerk or ignorant" but he really left me confused/frustrated and the next thing I knew, he had turned everything around and I was pursuing him- it was like he lured me in and then took a backseat to watch his handy work materialize. It started off promising- going out on dates- he texted me soon thereafter to let me know he had a great time and looking forward to seeing me again. Putting this in context- most, if not all, our dates happened with no advance planning- usually same day (I have learned a lot from reading articles on your website and I realize making myself available same day is a BIG NO NO because like you mentioned, it became his routine. Very frustrating!) After a few dates, he invited me over to his place and then it went downhill from them- after that day, all we would do is spend time at his place and it wasn't even frequently- about once every other week. No progression! No date variety. I called him out on in this a couple of times and his excuse was that he was tired. I gave him a pass because he does have a very hectic/stressful profession but I am equally as busy, if not more, and I still made time for his same day requests. Luckily, I didn't have sex with him..okay I should say no intercourse, I did the other act on him a couple of times after about the fourth date (Another big time NO NO). Anyways there came a time when he started to pull away and I started initiating contact-texts. He would always respond within a couple of hours but I came to my senses (thanks to all the information on your site) and stopped and that's when the no contact began. Within this time, I celebrated a birthday-which I told him was coming up the last time we met and I got no happy bday text from him. ouch! Fast forward to now with the "hey" text.

I am taking your approach and will not be responding! We shall see what happens with new guy and I am definitely not repeating the same mistakes again. Taurus guy can spend his time thinking about his bad behavior. I feel so much more confident than when I first initiated no contact. Oh it was ugly back then but now, I feel empowered. Great feeling!

-Texan girl-; December 20, 2012 at 5:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your reply. I completely agree with you: my friend absolutely effed things up for me. And I’m furious with her. I will never trust her again.

I didn’t become angry with him (I WAS feeling hurt). The FB message I sent him was very neutral. I basically said I was sorry nothing would happen between us, but if he changed his mind in the future to give me a call. I hoped by saying that I was leaving the door open. Did I?

When I told him I had deleted him off my phone and FB I told him “absolutely no hard feelings, I just can’t be friends now.” Now I wish I hadn’t told him that I deleted him off my phone. That probably sounded too harsh, huh? I wonder if he deleted ME off his phone? Anyway, it’s probably a moot point because it’s almost been 8 weeks and I haven’t heard a peep. I’ve pretty much given up hope I’ll hear from him again.

I will never understand it. I know I didn’t just imagine that he liked me and was attracted to me. Now I feel somewhat humiliated that I was wrong.

-Sassy Brunette; December 21, 2012 at 5:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sassy Brunette,
Nothing to be humiliated about. We've all been there. And there are literally hundreds of women here - right along side of you. You're not the only woman in the world that's been manipulated by a man.

And when these things happen, it's not a reflection on the woman at all. It's just that it wasn't meant to be, there was no spark on the other person's behalf is all. It happens.

I'm sure you've met men who are great men, wonderful men. They did everything right, they said everything right, they treated you right - but you just couldn't feel that spark for them. Again, it happens.

Is that a reflection on that man at all, when you feel that way? Not at all, he was a great guy. It's just that for some unknown reason, you'd rather be friends with him is all. You don't want a relationship with him.

But he's still a great guy.

That's what some of these men here are doing. And rather than face it, they slink away. Others are here being downright cruel, others are using people, some are playing games, some have a hidden agenda . . that's just the way it is.

But the issue is never with them, not the other individual - for whatever reason.

LOL, no I don't think it helped that you told him you deleted him from your phone . . but who cares, ya' know? You can look back on it and laugh, learn from it. Besides, it's not the end of the world and if you did ever see him again, he'd probably mention it, you could laugh it off, and things would be fine.; December 21, 2012 at 8:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

For these 'magicians' that have disappeared and will probably resurface at Christmas with their holiday wishes - they should be ignored for the normal amount of time before getting a possible response from us right? Or is a same day simple text back saying happy holidays (you loser...but without the loser bit obviously, darn it) the best way to go? You are so right though, it seems around the holiday it's the best excuse for a lot of these guys to make contact again. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!! Urgh.; December 22, 2012 at 9:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous,
Well for me, it depends on who the man is that's contacting me. If it's a guy that I dated and things just didn't work out, but he treated me well and was a nice guy - then I'll respond in a couple of hours the same day.

But if it's a guy that drove me nuts and treated me like crap, he gets no response - that day, the next day - or any other day for that matter.

I received a telephone call the other day from a number I didn't recognize. Chances are that it's someone I dated who was a jerk - so I deleted his number. And I won't be texting it or calling it to see who the idiot is. If he's not in my phone, I don't want to speak to him.

They come back around the holidays because it's a good excuse, as you said, to touch base. And also because they know people generally like to be with someone during the holidays, it can get lonely if you're separated from family, living far away from them, etc. So they want to take advantage of this and hope that you'll issue the ole' "Hey, we should get together and have a drink and catch up" response.

Because many of these men are lonely, too. Regardless of how many women they've been screwing around with, they're not entering into relationships with them so . . in the end, they're alone too.

I like to call it the "holiday prowl" LOL ;-)

It happens alot around Thanksgiving, too. I've had men come right out and say to me, "Thanksgiving is great. Everyone's husbands leave town and go to camp for first day of buck, or bear - and all the wives flood into the bars. It's like being a kid in a candy shop. Lot's of lonely housewives whose husbands stopped paying attention to them years ago and out in force and ready to party."

Disgusting, I know. But let's face it, men are always thinking and focusing on their next big score. And to bag a married woman is a big one for many of them.

Sigh.; December 22, 2012 at 9:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Some men never grow up it seems. Of course they would see bagging a married woman a 'big score'. It's the perfect excuse to sleep with her and leave her - because they can say ''she was married anyways!!''.
You're right, it depends on how he treated us. But say he treated you well whilst you were dating, but instead of telling you it's done, he just disappeared (giving you the message it's done that way, as opposed to coming out and you know, doing something mature, like COMMUNICATING it verbally! lol).
That's not exactly the worse treatment, but it is a little rude I think. This would deserve a response a couple days later I think, would you agree?. I think in your example if he treated you well and the ending was made clear in a mature way, I would totally reply same day too - just because it doesn't work out doesn't make them bad guys. HOW they handle it is what matters though in the end I suppose?!; December 22, 2012 at 10:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous,
True. For example, if a guy disappears and then a woman attempts communication with him and he flat out ignores her, only to reappear for the holidays - that man gets NO response.

If he can treat you that way, it's perfectly acceptable to treat him that way.

But if a guy just slips away and does what many call the "slow fade" and he didn't ignore you, he kept speaking to you and just didn't ask you out anymore, until eventually, he just kinda disappeared for good - then yes, he can receive a response a couple of days later.

And yes, if it just didn't work out for whatever reason but he communicated that to you - you can respond to him the same day . . . but a couple of hours later. He can wait, LOL. You don't want him thinking you're sitting by the phone on the holidays, waiting for exes to reappear.

And if he responds to your response immediately and seems to want to carry the conversation on from there - then it's okay to do so. If he responds 2 hours later, then you do the same and carry the conversation on in that manner. Mirror him.

And yes, how they handle it makes all the difference in the world. And how they've handled it is how you handle it. If he ignored you, you ignore him. If he was rude to you, you're rude right back. If he was nice but it just didn't work, he's not a bad guy, there just wasn't a spark is all.

All's fair in love and war ;-); December 22, 2012 at 10:28 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror - spot on. You know that saying ''one day someone will come into your life and you will realise why it never worked out with anyone else''. I am a big believer in that - most women, like me, will at some point in their lives spend so much time getting upset over men who are just NOT worth it. Positive thinking!!. Happy Holidays!.; December 22, 2012 at 10:59 AM
Anonymous said...: It seems that I discover this site a bit too late.
I broke up with the Taurus who I was dating for 4-5 months now. He has a very hectic travelling work life, so even it's 4-5 months, we haven't really spent enough time together.

I had unsuccessful relationships immediately before with the Taurus, I walked out a night mare long term relationship in which I wasted many years mind guessing my future with the man who were strugglign with his business, etc. anyway, that's not the main story.

Then I met the Taurus, his genuine, gentleman manner, and sexy voice really excited me given being depressed of the previous break up. He even swore to me that "work can wait this time, he will not let his travel ruin this relationship". I was so touched, and felt a sign of future for dismay love life.

He introduced me to his close friends, who liked me also. We also had sex after 4 dates (two months, due to travelling), but the disappointment or awkwardness appeared in our sex. He couldn't ejaculate at all, we tried 3 times in one night all failed (it was a hot night, the room was steamy too). To me, it never happened, I was so embarrassed of it, and immediately blamed myself for not sexy attractive enough.
Then off he went again for business trip in Late nov, initially it was only a few days, then he told me that he's stuck there, as the project is so important, millions of dollar and one of the most important sales to his company and he has to be there.

I waited and waited, 4 weeks, his contacts got less and less often, and most of them were initiated by me. it was very abnormal. Usually he text me at least once a day, the peak time can be dozens of, Whenever he goes to airport or arrives back, he will also let me know. But this time it's all different. I felt very insecure, but in the meantime banging on the Xmas holiday to work out the situation.

Finally, last Thursday, he came back straight to work again. But I realized that he's going away straight after the holiday, and was even going to work during the xmas and new year. He mentioned nothing about any plan to be together, even though being very responsive and nice on text message.

Finally, out of control,I broke OFF a text message Friday midnight, "I felt things have changed at your side clearly, I do not think you 'd like to work out things anymore. I respect that, so i wish you all the best".

Waited and waited, The next noon, his text arrives, "I didn't know how to reply your text, but with no excuses, as you deserve better, yes, things have changed." So he accepted my breakup. I should have expect this result when sending out the text, but now I really collapsed.

I am so regretful that I couldn't wait for the weekend and try to meet him to find out in person. Maybe the answer and reaction would have been different.

Mirror, can you let me know if there's any chance to win him back? as I totally feel like an idiot. He's such a rare thing to my love life. I really had high hope to work out something more with him coz he is really nice. Although, exactly the same feeling as other ladies here, he did start to disappear a few times during his travelling in the past two months (after we had sex).

The failed sex experience made me feel very insecure and lost much confidence in front of him. .

I am desperately needing some advice here,
Thank you,
...; December 23, 2012 at 6:13 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 23, 6:13AM,
Well, first of all, the failed attempt at sex wasn't your fault. I'm not sure of his age, but this happens to men and when it does, it's not a reflection on the woman.

And it can happen for many reasons. Including erectile dysfunction (ED), thinking too much (when men try to be perfect at it, they ruin it because they place too much pressure on themselves to perform well), stress, blood pressure issues, fatique, alcohol, street drugs, medication - many, many things can cause that to happen, none of which have anything to do with the woman.

Honestly, I think you did yourself a favor here. Your gut was telling you that something had changed and he admitted to that. So had you stuck around waiting, it would've ended anyway. You just ended it sooner, rather than waiting, and you probably saved yourself a lot of pain by doing so.

Sometimes, for whatever reason, things just don't work out. It's nothing to take personally though. He was honest with you, which means he respects you, and that's a good thing. He could've lied to you and strung you along for months if not years. You could've wasted a lot of time here.

So be thankful that he was honest with you and pat yourself on the back. Because as painful as this may be, you did the right thing. The end was coming anyway. And if he genuinely likes you, he'll be back. He may have gotten embarrassed over his failed attempt at sex and that could've caused him to pull back.

You'll just have to wait and see what happens. But don't chase him or force anything here. Take some time apart and let things calm down a little bit here. He's probably embarrassed and you're feeling insecure. Let those feelings pass and you may hear from him again.; December 23, 2012 at 10:51 AM
Anonymous said...: I have a problem with the one i love . yet i knew him for short period only two month but i fell for him . everything was good , but i had to compromise for him , i was trying so hard to please him . our relation was good , and suddenly he disappeared . no phone calls no texts . after four month he texted me . saying sorry that he disappeared . i texted him immediately and i told him it was ok :) . but after that he disappeared again for four month . and now he texted me again and when i replied for his text he ignored me again . i don't understand why he is doing that . he keeps disappearing and reappearing by texting .; December 23, 2012 at 4:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 23, 4:18PM,
Honey, did you read the article? Why would immediately respond to a text from a man who disappeared on you - and then tell him it's okay that he did that?

So now that he thinks it's okay and he knows that if he texts you, even if he's gone for months, you'll jump and answer immediately - he's free to do it again. You said it's ok, so he's doing it again.

DO NOT reply to a text from a man that's treating you like that - unless, of course, you want it to continue happening.

He's doing this because you're permitting him to do so. You need to begin "no contact" immediately and the next time he contacts you - you don't respond.

You never reward bad behavior by showering a man with attention. You need to make yourself scarce:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And he needs to learn a lesson about the consequences of his behavior:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; December 23, 2012 at 5:09 PM
Anonymous said...: MoA,

I had been seeing a guy that I met through an online dating site for about a month. Things seemed to be going really well—he asked me out in advance for weekend dates, we were in constant communication via text throughout the day, and he would say the sweetest things. But as we know, actions speak louder than words…and after a tiff that we had last week, I’m not sure what to think…or where to go from here. I should note that the one red flag that I noticed was that he seemed insecure—he was burned badly by an ex and had trust issues, so he was constantly “checking in” (most likely wondering whether or not I was on a date) and asking me how I liked the dating site. To be honest, I have been dating a lot of guys, but I haven’t liked anyone as much as I like him. I have simply been “going through the motions” and waiting it out, as I feel it’s too soon to settle down with him.
So here’s the situation: He asked me out last Fri. for Sat. (which was last minute and unlike him), but I had been ill all week and was really looking forward to seeing him, so I agreed. Then on Sat., I texted him to confirm our plans, and he told me to come to his place (he lives about an hour away from me). Since I wasn’t feeling 100%, I asked him if he was willing to come my way instead. He said that he would have if we had discussed it earlier. I knew that he had been travelling all day, so I understood if he was tired. But when I asked what the plan was for the night, he said he wanted to watch a movie and “snuggle” and that I could wear sweats. This set me off for a number of reasons: a) he knew that I had just been sick, b) it sounded like he expected me to drive all the way to him, only to sit in his apartment and fool around? I’m all for casual cozy nights, but I wasn’t comfortable with this idea so soon, and felt he was being inconsiderate. I told him that I wasn’t going to make it, and he said that he understood…and then followed it with a sarcastic comment about being on the dating site if I needed him. Then I was really seeing red! I retaliated with a nasty (and stupid) comment like “well if that’s more important to you than seeing me, then bye.” He then said that he missed me, and I again attacked him with another comment like “oh? guess the online thing didn’t work out? cool, I love being the backup plan.” He said I was being mean, and I told him I was just meeting him on the other side of the line that he crossed. He didn’t text me back for hours (leaving me stewing and upset), and all he said was gnight. I ignored him, and an hour later got another text with a pet name he calls me and a question mark. I ignored that, too.

Cont...; December 23, 2012 at 9:27 PM
Anonymous said...: I thought that he had realized that he’d hurt me, so I assumed that he’d try to reach out the next day, but days went by and not a peep. I missed talking to him, and also felt that I should own up to my half of the damage, so I texted him to see how his week was going. Granted this convo should’ve taken place over the phone (as the whole tiff was due to miscommunication), I asked him if he missed me, and he turned the question around, saying that I hadn’t replied to his texts and said “bye” to him. I explained that I had been upset (I worded it well, trying to avoid accusation, but rather expressing that I was hurt and felt he didn’t care), and the only reply I got from him was “bad girl.” Here I am, opening up to him (which is super hard for me to do…which is why I never do it), and he doesn’t give me anything to work with but more jokes. I just said “Oh well, I tried ”…and that was 4 days ago.
I think that we both acting stupidly in the heat of the moment, but my question is, have I done enough to try to make amends? And do you think that he will contact me again? I know I reacted immaturely, but I know it wasn’t all me. I also can’t figure out whether he may still be bitter/mad/upset and needs time to come around, or whether he’s written me off? Or worse, is he "punishing me" with nc in the hopes that I come crawling back (I have too much pride for that!)? What’s interesting is, I went on the dating site the night of our fight, and noticed that he had deactivated his account. I had a feeling that he only wanted to see me (he didn’t like the site), but he never came right out and said it, so I kept doing my own thing.; December 23, 2012 at 9:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 23, 9:28PM,
Typical male behavior, LOL. Women have to be all understanding and bend over backwards, then the minute they don't and stand up for themselves, it's punishment time.

Oh well, let him play his little games. Yes, he's punishing you. The "bad girl" comment gave it all away. He's got a lot of nerve, too. He knew you were sick and he wanted YOU to come to HIM - and he wasn't even going to take you out and show you a good time. And instead of being understanding, he acted like a little baby with a bruised ego.

He's off the dating site because he's pissed. And it's also a ploy. He wants you to contact him to say, "Why did you leave the site?"

Don't do that. And don't contact him. I have a feeling he may return. But it won't be immediately, it may be a month or two. Let it sink in with him what happened and his jag off role in it and he may reach the conclusion that he acted like a jerk when he didn't get his way.

And if a man can be ignorant or sarcastic to a woman, yes, I feel that a woman has a right to dish that right back. I mean, are you suppossed to sit there and take that? No.

But you know what he did want you to do there when he made that remark about finding him on the site? He wanted YOU to get all UPSET. He wanted you to fear that he's gone or going to leave, he wanted you to come unglued and get all upset. And when you didn't do that, it was HIM that got all upset. His game completely backfired in his face.

And that's the thing. These men need to realize that when they play head games like that - they actually risk losing the woman. Because it's only insecure women who fear being alone and who actually do fear the guy leaving that fall for that crap game.

He's written you off temporarily. He removed himself from the sight and now he's going to disappear in the hopes that you'll come poking around to see what's going on and where he went. If you give in to that, he's won the game. However, if you're strong enough to wait him out, I think you'll hear from him in a month or so.

Bottom line here though - you got his number. And you took his little game and you flipped it right back on him.

Yes, you've done enough here to attempt to make amends. He needs to man up and do the same. And if he doesn't do that, this is not the kind of man you want to be in a relationship with anyways then. Because if he'll do this, there will be more of it in the future. Dating a man like that, that's constantly pushing your buttons, making impossible demands and then playing head games and becoming vindictive when he doesn't get his way - yea, those men don't make good boyfriends, husbands or lovers.

If anything, they exhaust women and leave them feeling depleted and bad about themselves. Don't let him do that to you.

Look at all the damn games men play:

http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

Those are insecure guys that chose to go the route of game playing. And insecure guys make for crappy boyfriends, husbands and lovers. They're selfish and they don't know how to make a woman feel happy, pretty, confident and secure.; December 24, 2012 at 9:57 AM
Anonymous said...: Back from my Vegas trip, and have MORE exciting updates, mirror. ;D (I apologize for the length in advance, as I have two updates! Just want to share what I've learned.)

But I don't think you'll be surprised, lol. I am starting to take your perspective on things - and have come to expect this illogical "amping up of effort."

Yes - he contacted me AGAIN.

Just to recap (for all the other ladies out there who are doubting NC like I did):

1) He sent a text to my texting app # (ignored)
2) 11 days later, he sent a text message to my phone (ignored)
3) 8 days later, he put his dating profile back up (probably to check if I was still on)
4) A day later, he sent another text message to my phone (ignored)
5) The following week, he was on Gchat almost all day, every day (he RARELY goes on Gchat). I know he was hoping I'd message him, like I did the last time he went MIA on me for 6 days and I caved.

8 days later (which is today), he sent 2 e-mails (he is literally hitting up almost every avenue he can reach me).

They weren't regular emails; he went into his gmail Chats folder, found our last Gchat convo (back from HALLOWEEN!!), and replied them.

Part of me feels like a total asshole for doing this - but then I remember your post on dating consequences, and feel he should suffer for 1) not treating me right when I was available and 2) doing all this behind the girl's back when she's just a nice and happy person.

It's 28 days of NC, and I'm still not ready to acknowledge him. Think I need 120 days!

Anyway - part 2 of updates:

There's this Virgo Guy I met on a dating site (lives in the same city as the Libra Guy, but I haven't met Virgo Guy yet).

He considers me long-term gf material, but I see him more as a friend so I didn't really follow normal dating rules with him.

When he stopped replying my e-mails (he said he was busy with his new job), I started initiating Gchats with him every 3-4 weeks when I got bored.

Last week, I had 5 minutes while waiting for a friend, so I decided to chat him up. He had something work related, and asked if I was going to be around in the afternoon, but I said I couldn't since I was going shopping. Then he asked, "Ok how about in 30?" And I go, "Can't! I'm leaving, bye!"

That night, I checked and got his offline message saying, "Ok well hit me up again. I do want to talk to you some more."

I thought, "WTF? I hit YOU up? If you want to talk to me, YOU can seek ME out." (And I was proud because I was internalizing all the times you repeated - a man who likes you will seek you out!)

So I got mad because I made this guy a lazy fcker, and planned to never talk to him again. Two days later, I put my online dating profile back up...and within minutes, the Virgo Guy messaged me! Haha. Funny how it works!

Mirror, thanks again for all the valuable advice you've given me here - and to other women. We all need constant reminders, or we forget and let things slide when we're with a guy we really like.

I'm planning to get back into dating more after the new year's so I think I'll have more fun this time around with keeping guys on their toes. ;)

Oh mirror, I also have a question that's been on my mind: How do you answer when a guy asks you why you ignored all his attempts to reach you during the NC period?

I feel like a "I was really busy" wouldn't cut it, as he knows that's a lie.

- Vivian; December 24, 2012 at 4:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Merry Christmas ladies!!!!

@Vivian,
Well honey, I know this was hard for you. But you can give yourself a big ole' pat on the back here. You did this. You actually did this - and it worked. And now, YOU have men pursuing YOU. As it should be.

And I had to laugh . . are we talking about the man here that's involved in a "relationship" of sorts with that other girl, LOL?? And now, after you use no contact, he's climbing the walls attempting to reach you. Hehe ;-)

And ladies, take note of the time frame here - approximately a month. Not the next day, not overnight - one month later. As I've said, it takes men much longer to process feelings and miss women.

And I guess things aren't as peachy as they had made them appear. It's Christmas and when he should be focusing on his new girlfriend, instead, he's hunting you down.

Betcha if I'da told you that months ago, you NEVER would've believe that one, LOL.

Same with the other guy. You don't go to them, they need to man up and come to you. That's how a man builds value for a woman, that's how he learns respect for her and that's what makes him desire to spend time with her.

And yea, "really busy" isn't necessarily the truth here as an excuse if he asks. However, men use that on women all the time, and women accept it. It's the holidays and you were really busy (avoiding him), LOL. So it's not really a lie ;-)

But honestly, I would use something very vague and generic. It's none of his business and when you answer vague and generic, they get the message and they generally don't push, as they know they have no real right to feel entitled to that information.

So you could say something like, "Yea, I know, I'm sorry about that. But it's the holidays, I was traveling and I meant to get back to you, but everytime I was going to, something else kept popping up."

That's more than enough of an explanation. Don't tell him the truth and don't answer to him. He can accept that or believe whatever he wants (which is what men do, they leave women hanging). Don't be mean about it, just make it like you've been really busy, but had good intentions about getting back to him.

(And notice, not once did you mention his girlfriend or the fact that he's dating someone else here, LOL. Now that you could care less - because you KNOW his attention is focused on you.)

Feels nice, huh ;-); December 25, 2012 at 12:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
I wanted to also say, congratulations to you. Seriously. You have no idea what a wonderful gift you've just given to yourself here. Your days of miserable dating are going to be long gone very soon, you will see.

You will have more fun with it, you will let things slide that used to cause you great anguish because you now have clear vision to see "the game," you will no longer worry or question things and you will never settle for questionable or poor treatment from a man ever again - you've grown stronger and now you're taking control.

And best of all, you're going to feel very good about yourself :-)

Congratulations, Vivian! You've earned it.; December 25, 2012 at 12:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Merry Xmas, MoA!

I am the Anon. from Dec. 23 9:28. Thanks for your insight, I have to say that I felt a lot better hearing from a 3rd party that I wasn't too harsh with my sarcastic retaliations. I am going to follow your advice and not contact him.

I know that you said it may take awhile for him to reappear (if he even does), but I was hoping that he was more grown-up than he seemed and that he'd text me today to wish me a happy holiday. He didn't...I looked up his profile again on the dating site (Vivian's last post had me curious)...and now it's back! Do we think he's back on b/c his plan for me to chase him backfired? Maybe I'm reading too much into it, and he's just moving on...but then he may be a liar on top of it all...he said he had no plans to renew b/c he hated it (but you can still browse without subscribing, so there's no real way to tell). Or maybe he's looking to see if I'm online? Glad I've been active the whole time haha, take that!; December 25, 2012 at 11:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 25 11:27PM,
LOL, well I've seen men pull the ole profile back on the site trick as a way to lure women to them. See, you're supposed to freak out. You're supposed to think, "Oh no, he's back on the site. He's moving on and he's not interested anymore. What to do? I better contact him!!"

You're supposed to have a melt down, LOL. And during your meltdown, you're supposed to call him and initiate chase. It's a game. A predictable one. So in a round-about way, yea, he's looking for you.; December 26, 2012 at 10:24 AM
Anonymous said...: UGH how frustrating! And men say they are the simple ones LOL. I would like to think that if a man is interested that he wouldn't need all of these games and all of this time to pass in order to realize it...but I guess it is what it is. I may have had a "freak out" between you and me, but he doesn't have to know that lol. I'm not backing down, I won't contact him, I'll keep dating, and see what happens.; December 26, 2012 at 6:10 PM
Anonymous said...: update: A few days after my BB post (A month to be exact), I caved and checked his fb. To my surprise I was blocked. So my natural reaction was to call my bff and ask her to check…..she was blocked too. Then I started to really get thinking. Wondering if he deleted his profile (he was never really on). So……. For three days I was blocked. I decided to check once every morning bc if I was indeed blocked I wanted to know if he would at some point unblock me. After three days he unblocked me. I never contacted him, or showed I noticed in any way. I continued to post normal stuff to our friends in common and didn’t change my profile posts either. Reading all the advice and knowing so much about men has deff gotten my head in the right place……… accept I still think about him. Not in a relationship way anymore. For me I’d rather have a fling then nothing and deal with the emotions (if I have any) after. It’s now been 39 days, I haven’t looked at his fb since he unblocked me bc I don’t want to deal with a day of thinking non stop about him.

I have a male friend who I’ve known for 9 years, for the first time this summer we started planning a fling. Well he came up state to visit him family and felt way to pressured and couldn’t do it, so he went mia…. Left for two months and we didn’t speak to each other. Well he sends me a long text a week ago saying he was going to be visiting for the holidays, was sorry for not contacting me but felt too pressured and his head wasn’t in the right place, but he’s ready and if I’m still interested we can plan it. I ignored the text for three days. At that point he was already flying here so he didn’t get the text till he landed. But it said “hey, it was great to hear from you. Sorry for delay in response, I’ve been working a lot. Glad you’re visiting your family for the holidays, have a safe flight and text when you can”. And the story goes on….. But my point, he came back without me contacting him. I do not see him as more than fwb, and our friendship isn’t ruined. He was also a great distraction from BB ;)

Kay; December 27, 2012 at 8:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kay,
The one's that are genuinely interested always come back ;-)

And that's how you know if a man is genuinely interested or not. Otherwise, you leave yourself open to a sea of fog and confusion.

And it's only been 39 days with the other one. Don't write him off just yet, LOL.; December 27, 2012 at 9:26 AM
Anonymous said...: "Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man."

So true. some guys deliberately will make plans and not follow through as a game to see whether or not you will call them...and my guess is they have had it work on most women. In the past, I would've been one of them! It recently happened with a guy, at work who I don't need to see at the workplace. I was not dating him; there was an attraction and flirting but no physical stuff was going on. It was more like a "friendship"...but I had to treat it with the same basic boundaries. We had gone out to eat a few times, he always initiated and he felt like he should pay for our meals. everything was cool. Then he fell off the face of the earth for a bit and from his POV I was the one who fell off and he said he wasn't sure why he didn't hear from me and was wondering if I might have gotten into something serious with someone. From what I remember, based on that situation, was really up to him, not me, to get in touch if he wanted to speak to me. I decided to let it slide since we don’t have any sort of dating commitment to stay in touch.. I also didn’t get emotional and berate him for anything but I let him know it would’ve been fine to have contacted me if he wanted to speak to me.

Also when he had got back in touch, I put off for 5 days to reply to, as I wasn't sure if I wanted to let him back in. In the middle of that "NC period" he called me and also asked to do lunch.. I put that off for awhile. Then he asked for dinner on a weekend but I said no since I am not in this city where I work on weekends usually. And I let him know maybe I'd be ok with catching up over lunch someday. Sidenote- If we did lunch, I also had planned to let him know how I felt about going out with a coworker on a weekend, since we don’t know each other that well.

Then we finally agreed on a day to do lunch again but I heard nothing from him during the week. It’s too much of a coincidence to just disappear when I said yes. I wouldn't have been able to do lunch with him that day after all but that's besides the point. I figured out that he's a player/insecure guy and he may have tried this with a female coworker before where it worked. I laugh when I picture him currently beating himself up for his "game" being an epic fail. He'll still probably resurface at some point trying to make it my fault for not following up. And I'll be like "hmm I don't going on a wild goose chase after guys who ask me when I'm free, and then without warning, disappear on me after I give them an answer. That would feel absurd and I'm no longer available."

-Lioness of the Sun; December 27, 2012 at 4:44 PM
Anonymous said...: "The holidays are fast approaching and many of you will most likely be hearing from some of these men we've been discussing here, LOL ;-)"

lol this is also true... this guy I dated for 5 months last year and used to be friends with has been trying to find excuses to get back into the picture. For example, a month ago he called me and left a vmail asking if he could pick something up he lent me while we were going out...he mentioned he was in the area and probably saw it as a convenience. I was hosting a dinner party that night (he thinks I wasn't home. lol) . He was supposed to pick it up a few months ago. I emailed him a few days later asking him if I should know anything about the last time when he didn't come by, which he took awhile to reply to and sounded a bit defensive about--I think he's really trying to see if I still care about him more than anything. So I also took a week to respond...then I noticed he replied faster after that. lol

if he doesn't come by for them this weekend, I'll tell him I gave them away. Something like that I can give 2 chances since it really doesn't affect my time. But to continually be ok with him not coming would just send the message I'll be around no matter what. I had deleted his # awhile back but I received a Merry Christmas text from a number that looked like his, and I didn't respond. Over time he made it seem in many ways he didn't want to be friends anymore after I dumped him --for not treating me like someone he was considering to be in a relationship with after telling me that's what we were doing..and I acted doormatty in that situation but glad I didn't sleep with him. He seemed cool with parting ways and said he was thinking the same, but wanted to keep in touch. I agreed to it, thinking I'd be ok with that at the time. I think he changed his mind because after that happened, I wasn't up his ass and kept distance, so he may have felt worse about the fact that I was the one who called things off. Awhile ago I changed my mind anyway and had decided I didn't feel comfortable being friends either, so if he does come for his things, that's all he's getting. No talk or anything else. He had plenty of time to do that so I laugh at how he's trying to be sort of "friendly" with his "seasons greetings" now.

No contact, mirroring behaviour and saying no feels empowering

-Lioness of the Sun; December 27, 2012 at 4:46 PM
Anonymous said...: How are they 'genuinely' interested if they just disappear and come back as they please? Please explain or clarify :); December 27, 2012 at 4:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello, Mirror,
I am a 44 year old woman who has found herself single again. After taking a few months to reflect on what went wrong with my last relationship, I have decided that I would like to get into the dating scene again. I have literally scoured the internet for advice, and your blog here is the best one that I have found.
I am finding it very difficult to meet any potential men for dating. However, due to blogs like this one and utilizing my common sense first, I am not going to rush it. I have found for the first time in my life that I will put myself first and if I find someone, that is great, and if not, oh well.
What prompted me to write here is that I had noticed a coworker flirting with me. It started about a month ago. I work at a place that allows dating amid coworkers as long as one doesn't supervise the other. I thought I may have been imagining things at first as I actually sensed, or felt him looking at me. He suddenly was around every where that I was and was trying to initiate conversations with me. He knew my name, I didn't know his. He actually got my attention as he was literally falling over himself to see me, and I thought it was very cute.
And just when I realized he was flirting, it stopped. He really confused me for a while, even to the point that he would look away from me if I smiled and looked his way.
He sort of made me mad, after all, he is around my age or a few years older from his appearance and I felt like I was back in high school. Is this normal behavior for people in their 40's? Do men ever grow up?
I noticed that if I ignore him, he tends to show up again to get my attention. Now, his latest trick is to laugh and joke with everyone at work EXCEPT me. If he has to talk to me, it is about something work related and he is entirely serious about it. He is still doing the nervous, tripping over himself staring around me. He still tries to run past me on a daily basis. I actually think it's sort of comical.
Until I read blogs like yours here, I would've probably got disgusted with him by now and said to heck with him. However..I have learned that being single today is hard, yet it can be very enjoyable. I stopped my usually negative brain from thinking this time and said, wait...that is my guy, and if he wants to play, then I will give him the game of his lifetime.
I like this guy...yet I tell no one. If he flirts and ignores me, I do the same thing. I will speak to him one day and ignore him the next. I realized that I am having fun and learning that I am still a desirable person.
Since it's been going on over a month now and he hasn't asked me out, I don't think that he will. He may be unavailable or whatever, I don't really care. What is more important is what I have learned about myself and that I am enjoying his attention. I have learned that I control this flirting game and have made it very clear that he will have his work cut out for him if he does indeed step up the game someday.
Until then, I am getting some really good practice in and am looking forward to the next relationship. I will not settle for anyone that does not treat me like the woman that I am.
Thanks for the enjoyable and straight forward blog that you have here, and if this guy ever steps up, I know where I will come for advice. And since I am new to this flirting thing again, is he flirting or is it all in my head?; December 27, 2012 at 6:11 PM
Anonymous said...: WOW! Do I wish I had known about this blog sooner... I am a 50-yr old female Gemini who doesn't have a f'n clue on dating. Currently in a "thing" w/a 47-yr old Scorpio who absolutely rocks my sexual world. It has turned into a booty call every 3-weeks all on his terms.
We had gotten together for a few weeks earlier in the yr and he was so attentive and wonderful and engaged, but then a long time, long distance 60-yr old Virgo friend I've had a crush on for 8-yrs came back into my life in April and I was honest with Scorpio and asked for friendship only, but he was having no part of it.
But then Virgo couldn't hide his controlling judgemental behavior, and I baled in June.
In July, I had car problems, and contacted Scorpio for help... immediately, our connection was back; immediately slept together again and it was awesome.
Just two weeks ago, I was driving the car you speak of above and let Scorpio have it after he disappeared again for 3-weeks after pronouncing "love you's" as we fell asleep in each others arms, and his not helping me with a house problem. Good news is I stood up for myself, by saying, "I don't deserve that," but jeeze, I wish I had known about the rubberband theory earlier. That is Scorpio 100%.
I have looked at horoscope info and it tells me we are polar opposites, but if we can work out our differences, it could be the best relationship ever.
I don't know what will happen with us, but I want to thank you for what you've written here. The message of taking care of ourselves instead of investing everything in another person is such valuable advise.
My heart has been broken by men because of my being too "f'n nice!" and their taking advantage of it. (And I have also broken a couple men's hearts as well, sorry to say, by getting into relationships that just were not good for me, but relationships I got in too deep too fast and didn't have the stength to get out until I could feel my soul dying.)
So, two weeks ago, I let Scorpio know via a response text to his booty text that I was mad at him and I told him why. No anger, no accusations, no drama, just told him two reasons, and said I didn't deserve that.
I did not hear back from him.
Then 2 days before Xmas, I sent him a text just with a "Xx Xmas" to let him know I was thinking of him (now I see how he can see that as chasing him -- it wasn't. I do love him, and I guess I was being the 'ever loving' mommy UGH!! Nothing back.
So, either he just isn't in to me and only wanted me as a booty call, or he's got the issues you talk about above.
Either way, if he does contact me again, I will do my damdest to wait the 3-days to return his text and see what happens. I am hoping he is the one you talk about that can turn themselves around.
I once said to Virgo guy: "I know who I am and what I offer a relationship. If the man I care about cannot see it, then I have to find a way to move on and take care of myself."
I will take that same assertiveness w/Scorpio, and see what he does with it.
Hugs, and thank you for writing this... it's good stuff.
Now I'm off to look for more of your writing. :); December 27, 2012 at 6:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ironicallygoth,
He's flirting, but it just sounds like he doesn't really know what the hell he's doing is all, LOL. I think at first, he may not have realized how obvious he was being. But then, a moment arrived that somehow triggered to him he was being obvious, so now, he's out to save face by creating the opposite impression.

It's all just a game really. Why they play it, I'll never know - but they insist on it. I swear they enjoy it. So I say, give them what they want, LOL.

Play back and in about a month or so, you may make some progress here. But don't rush it, baby steps and a nice slow pace. That's what men really respond to and it helps them to notice a woman for who she is as opposed to who she'd be in the bedroom.

And if nothing else, he's a good candidate to practice some of these moves on so you can get comfortable with them ;-); December 27, 2012 at 6:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lioness of the Sun,
"No contact, mirroring behaviour and saying no feels empowering."

It is truly a wonderful feeling, taking control rather than being controlled :-); December 27, 2012 at 6:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 27, 4:49PM,
"How are they 'genuinely' interested if they just disappear and come back as they please?"

Well there are different degrees to this and you have to "feel a man out" so that you can determine:

1) Is he a game player
2) Is he insecure and looking for an ego boost
3) Is he genuinely interested
4) Is he just seeking sex

Because not all men are the same. But the one's that come back - more than once - and keep coming back and amping up their efforts to contact you - those are the one's that are genuinely interested.

The one's that return with false promises simply to play more games aren't genuinely interested, they're insecure and seeking an ego boost.

The one's who never gave a shit in the first place generally don't come back at all. And the one's that are only seeking sex will give it a try maybe once or twice then bolt.

So the trick here, and the trick with no contact, is to test the man so you can determine his level of interest and his intentions. And you do that by making him work at getting your attention. He has to prove himself to you. And the way to see if he will is to set "barriers" so-to-speak, between him and you.

And then see if he jumps them.

And if he attempts contact once and you don't respond, and then he attempts it again and you don't respond, and then he tries another way to contact you and you don't respond, and then he tries social media or something . . then it's pretty safe to say he's genuinely interested. If he wasn't, he wouldn't bother, he's simply move onto the next easy prey is all.

Now that doesn't mean the relationship will end in marriage. That's up to the two people involved themselves. However, it's a good indicator that he's a man that's willing to prove himself to you and it's one that will be willing to work at a relationship with you.

The one's who don't try or make repeated attempts are the lazy men who are only half interested, insecure or simply seeking sex. The one's who bounce in and out of your life and put very little effort into things, chances are you're making it too easy for them, too easy for them to return (like seeing them after only one attempt). Just because you disappear and they contact you once doesn't mean they're genuinely interested.

You need to ignore them and make them work at it a bit to determine that. The more attempts they make, the more genuinely interested they are.

And you have to remember that many men don't disappear simply because they're playing games. Many men disappear because the woman begins to put the screws to them, pressuring them to enter into something before they're ready, interrogating them, so they bail. Not because they want to, but because they couldn't breath. So pulling back and letting them come to you on their own terms helps them get comfortable with the idea. But if a guy disappears, then returns, then disappears, then returns, then disappears then returns - chances are, that's a player.

So the pattern to look for here is repeated attempts and repeated efforts to reach you. You hang back, making them want to contact you even more. By hanging back, you are amping up their desire for you, increasing their attraction for you. Repeated attempts and repeated effort put forth are good indicators of a man who's genuinely interested.

The rest is up to you ;-); December 27, 2012 at 7:12 PM
Saggi said...: Dear Mirror,

Firstly, I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to personally and thoughtfully respond to each and every one of us. You're helping a lot of women brave the pitfalls of dating - so please don't think it goes unnoticed.

I wrote to you two months ago (October 31, 11.39 am) regarding a rather charismatic helicopter pilot that did the whole "sweep me off my feet and into bed" trick, and then disappeared. You told me not to contact him, "sit tight" and that he would be back.

Well, I confess, I didn't really believe that he would be back, BUT you were right!

Three days ago (the day after Christmas) he sent me a private message on Facebook (even though I had deleted him as a friend) saying, "Hope you had a great xmas :)" I was shocked to hear from him.

Since I went NC on him, I have been actively dating other guys (I have a queue of guys waiting to date me), and I've lost some weight and look better than ever. However, pilot boy has still lingered on my mind. I had been toying with the idea of texting him a recent picture of me (looking great) and saying "Hi there", but thought this would come across as a little needy and desperate. I still have this strong desire to make him realise what he's missing out on.

So my question to you is, it’s been three days since I got that message and I haven’t responded yet. Help me Mirror! What should I do?

Many thanks,

Saggi.; December 29, 2012 at 12:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggie,
Well, well ;-)

You see ladies . . we want things right away, while we're in the moment. Men don't want things until they've distanced themselves from the moment. They need to process things and this takes time. And men don't move on a woman's time, LOL.

So now that it's been a couple of months since this piece went live and women began "no contact" - we're now seeing women appear with news that someone (ahem) . . has reappeared.

Don't get me wrong, not all will come back - but a majority do. And that takes time.

So when do they come back?

Most times, right about the time you're just about over them, LOL.

Anywho . . back to Saggie gal. No, don't send the picture. See, you're starting to "get" this and you caught yourself there - too needy of an impression. You don't want to make that impression so no, don't send the picture.

And kudos to you for waiting 3 days, too, by the way. So what you do now is you keep it cool, calm and collected - and act as if you're speaking to a friend. You say something casual along the lines of:

"I had a very nice Holiday this year, sorry I didn't reply sooner, things have just been pretty hectic is all. I hope you had a nice holiday and have a very happy New Year, too :-)"

And that's it. Don't ask a question and attempt to do the "work" here and carry the conversation along. He's the man, let him man up and do that. Let him get curious enough to return again. Which, by the way, I believe he will. But that might not be in a day or a week. It could be another month or so.

I know, I know. Why do this? Well, it's not our choice frankly. We have to be willing to be flexible enough to give a man the time he needs to realize what it is that he truly wants.

And if that's you - he'll be back eventually.

Attempting to speed things along doesn't work, it blows up in your face. So once again I'll say, sit tight - but keep moving on with your life. Consider this a little "journey" that's unfolding with him and while he's busy getting in touch with himself . . you're busy with life - you're life and your continued improvement of it.

So you keep dating, you keep working on yourself inside and out, do what makes you feel good about yourself and you keep up the positive forward motion here.

If it's meant to be, it will be - and letting things happen slowly and naturally while your living your life . . . is what makes them stick :-); December 29, 2012 at 12:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggie,
I forgot to mention . . here's what you do with the picture you want him to see.

1) You wait ONE WEEK AFTER you text a response to him
2) You place a new profile picture on FB that shows off your new body

Anyone can see that image and once you send that response, he'll become curious as to why you didn't respond exactly the way he had imagined it (translation: he'll wonder why you didn't immediately respond to him and he'll also wonder why you didn't attempt to carry on the conversation with him - which is perfect. Why? Because you've given him something to think about - which is YOU).

And once he becomes curious, he'll do what most people, male and female do - and that is, he'll seek information. He'll check your FB and see that picture. Hell, he may even "friend" you there again just to see more.

And that's how he gets to see the new you. And there's a trick to this, with all of this, and that trick is - only give enough to make them want more. CREATE CURIOSITY by saying very little and doing very little - to draw a man TO YOU.

Say too much, share too much, show too much and do too much - and they're gone. There's no curiosity, no mystery and nothing to worry or think about.

That's the concept here.

And by waiting one week after you text a response to do this - it makes your photo update look completely unrelated to his reappearance.

Do that too soon and you'll blow it. Because he's expecting you to do the "work" here. If he sees that photo too soon, he'll know you did that to draw him in.

The trick is to make him think it had nothing to do with him - so that he becomes curious enough to take another step towards you.

Hence the term, "Reeling them in" ;-); December 29, 2012 at 12:46 AM
miss_sunshine said...: Hey there,

I’m so happy to read your stories about how this NC rule does “miracles”. In my situation it works in magic ways, I’m enjoying myself for the first time in 4 months without having to see my ex at work 5 days a week. And it’s such a comforting feeling; I feel I am breathing at last. I love this 2-week vacation!!! I don’t need him back… instead, I’m really happy to have myself back. I have been having such a great time with friends and even some casual dating ;-) these last few days and I love it!

But the actual reason for my comment is to tell you, Mirror, and you girls, that so openly shared your stories on this subject, that I am truly happy and grateful to have found you. You have no idea how GOOD is to be able to see things in such healthy perspectives for the first time. It’s like a veil has been lifted from my face and I can clearly see things for what they are. It’s one of the BEST things that happened to me this year. Love you girls!

For now, I can only tell you I’m practicing my B.I.T.C.H.-y skills on a very fresh Cancer guy! :D:D Poor him, trying all sorts of “I’m such a catch” pranks on me!! he gets exactly what he asks for… and he doesn't like it… LOL! I cannot believe how right you are, Mirror, most of the guys nowadays pull this disappearing act as if it’s the trendiest sport ever!! But now that I know NOT to let my emotions get all mixed up like I did before, I swear it’s really funny to watch these guys act like chickens with their heads off!! Who needs a TV-set in these conditions? This show is better that anything.
The show must go on!!

Once again, love you girls and have a great and fulfilling 2013!; December 29, 2012 at 2:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Miss Sunshine,
Isn't it amazing how, once you see clearly and you've got their number, this all becomes so damn easy and carefree, LOL?!

Dating actually becomes fun and enjoyable girls, once you learn not to take every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along and pays you an ounce of attention, so seriously. (You know the guys, the ones that act like they're doing you a favor by speaking to you for 3 minutes twice a week to string you along, LOL).

You can relax, breath and enjoy dating - it IS possible.

You don't obsess over some asshole that doesn't even deserve your attention, you see men clearly, you spot their games coming from 100 miles away and just when they think it's going to be easy and things are going to go their way - you get to pull the rug out from underneath them, take control for once and start "coaching" them on their game ;-)

There's a saying:

"If you like to play games, I'll be the coach."

If they insist on playing a game then I say - YOU play it to WIN it - instead of getting run over, used and left feeling worthless. Women don't want to play games and I don't advocate doing so for malicious purposes, however, I don't advocate rolling over and playing dead when they insist on doing this either. So it simply boils down to being able to stand on your own two feet when dating - and not getting bowled over.

I've been in the dating trenches for many years now. I've been run over, used, disposed of - you name it. Everything you ladies experience here, I have too. But I learned and I learned quick. I read books, I educated myself, I tapped into psychology - I went on a search for answers. Answers to protect myself and to be able to date and enjoy it.

And this is what I've found in that search, the articles here on dating that I bring to you. And I'm so very happy to be able to share what I've learned with all you ladies so that you too, can begin to look out for yourselves and most importantly - actually ENJOY dating, LOL.

Cont . . .; December 29, 2012 at 3:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And once you grasp these concepts and FORCE yourself to begin getting comfortable with them and using them on men . . once you get comfortable saying NO and walking AWAY, it's like Miss Sunshine here says - it's like a veil has been lifted and suddenly - there's daylight.

It's really quite empowering and there's no better feeling in the world, to know that you can look out for yourself properly and won't be sucked in by little boy head games any longer.

And Miss Sunshine, I had to laugh at this:

"Poor him, trying all sorts of “I’m such a catch” pranks on me!!"

I laughed because I always tell women - men are like a great marketing agency - they run the best marketing and PR campaigns for themselves - better than Superbowl halftime commercials LOL!

It's all smoke and mirrors - if they talk like they're a catch - then you'll think they are. Why? Because it's human nature to "buy into" what others are feeding you.

The guy can be living in his parents basement, unemployed and driving a bicycle around - but you meet him in a bar and he's like, "Yea, I have a few crazy chics blowing up my phone all the time. Geez . . here she is again! Man, she just won't go away!"

And it's his mom, texting to let him know dinner is ready LOL!

But you don't know that (until 6 weeks later, AFTER you've already made the mistake of sleeping with him because you thought he was "a great catch") - so you leave the bar thinking you've just met this fantastic man. And that he must be great because women are hunting him down, LOL.

It's all really quite entertaining as Miss Sunshine said, once you're "onto" them.

I'm telling you girls . . YOU have something these MEN WANT. YOU hold ALL the power. You just need to learn how to weild it in healthy ways is all.

And thank you Miss Sunshine - I'm so happy to see that my little two cents on the matter here has helped you in such positive ways. It's what keeps me going :-); December 29, 2012 at 3:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so so much dearest Mirror for your congratulations, and hope you are having fabulous and fun holiday (keeping men on their toes, hehe)! I couldn't have done it without you, your advice on this blog, and all the comments here. :D

(Sidenote to all the ladies reading: I am really enjoying all your "he's back" stories! Keep em coming. They make me smile and laugh, now that I have experienced this myself.)

So I discovered a couple of interesting things about the libra guy. After he sent those 2 e-mails on Christmas Eve, I started getting curious and looked up what he's been up to.

He's actually been flirty on Yelp.com (this was around the same time he sent the first follow-up text to me; no amping up yet). He sent a "hot stuff" compliment to two women. One before his trip to LA with the girl, and one compliment was sent after the trip.

His girl is on Yelp too, but they aren't on each other's friend list. If she was as much of a stalker as I am, she would know about these compliments he's been dishing out.

They've also been hanging out more this week - cooking dinner together and making other delicious food. And they're definitely together for new year's (awww, so romantic! ;))

I was just thinking - he's doing all these relationshippy things with her (dinner dates, cooking together, going on a weekend getaway and staying in the same hotel room, him meeting all her friends, seeing each other 2-3x a week).... but of course we both know he's also doing shady side things like hunting me down, putting his dating profile back up, and sending compliments to women on Yelp.

(As shady as this libra guy sounds, I actually believe when he agrees to something - he'll stick to it. I made him agree to something @ 2 months, and when we met after 5 months, he did stick to it.)

Because he probably never agreed to exclusivity (she likely assumed it, without any DTR talk), that explains his shady behavior (he's a lawyer if that makes a difference, LOL).

His recent behavior concerns me - I might end up meeting and dating a guy just like him, except the guy will probably have less of an online presence that I can stalk and find out these things.

Mirror, how can I protect myself from guys like that - who do all the right things (not just talk up good BS; I think he treats her well and dates her properly), but are actually still shady on the side? Is it a matter of asking a guy and having a "talk" so we're on the same page?

- Vivian; December 30, 2012 at 4:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
Well, this is where women's intuition comes in. There's really no other easy way to detect whether or not a guy is shady other than to:

1) Spend a considerable amount of time getting to know him
2) Quietly observe his actions and pay attention as to whether or not the align with his words
3) Ask questions periodically to see if he's lying

Clearly, this man is not 100% entirely into this chic he's dating or he wouldn't be out there behaving in this manner if he was. (Libra's, by the way, in astrology to some astrologers are considered to have a high incidence of cheating in their relationships and whenever some astrologers see lots of Libra placements in someone's chart, it can also be indicative of cheating to them.)

I also think that since he's a lawyer, an accomplished man with money, he'll tend to be a player of sorts. Meaning, I've noticed that accomplished men with money and success feel "entitled" to certain things - like their pick of women.

So in the future, when attempting to identify men like this, the only real thing you can do is observe, take note and use your gut and women's intuition. Does he tell lies? Does he have a big ego? Does he talk about other female "friends?" Does his behavior align with his words? Does he speak in vague tones about things, not elaborating on them? Does he seem to need lots of attention from women?

Those sort of things are the things to pay attention to.

Now that I know that this guy's a lawyer and he's acting shady while appearing to be having a relationship here with this other woman, my gut is telling me he's somewhat of a player. He feels entitled to his pick of women, he enjoys attention from more than one of them at a time and when he doesn't get it, he returns to stir things up, to keep that attention funneling towards him.

Basically, it appears he needs a lot of "ego" stroking here. And that's not a good sign frankly. If he needs attention from multiple women to feel like a man, that signals he's actually insecure in some ways. And insecure guys don't make good boyfriends, husbands or lovers. They tend to cheat (again, needing lots of attention from multiple women), they behave in strange ways, everything is constantly about them and everything they do is to funnel attention back onto themselves in some manner.

Take, for instance, all the nice things he does for this girl. It's actually, most likely, so that she keeps complimenting HIM - what a great guy he is, etc.

Just use your gut with these guys and spend plenty of time getting to know them. There's really no other way, unfortunately.; December 30, 2012 at 10:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi, I wrote about a month ago. I have been involved with a guy on and off for 5 years. He disappear and reappear. He reappeared in July and this time I vowed to myself that I would not get intimate with him like the past. I did tell him this upfront and that I wanted a committed relationship before I got intimate. I thought maybe this time he had grown up. He is 33 (leo) and I am 31(capricorn) everything seemed to be going pretty well from July-Nov with the constant contact and lunch dates. After the thanksgiving holiday I didnt hear from him for about 10 days so I made a mistake and initiated contact via text. I wrote "whats up stranger? see u still love pulling your disappearing act..lol" he replies with "lol, whatever. you know i'm busy..how are u?" This was about 21 days ago and I have not contacted him again. My heart dropped because I finally realized he is still playing around. I am at the point where I want to settle down now. I knew what I was getting myself into when I met him 5 years ago b/c I didnt want anything serious at that time myself but he confuses me with the affection he shows, being attentive and remembering small details of my life. I am trying to move on and be strong. I have made up in my mind that I am NOT contacting him. I have a feeling he will return as usual; December 30, 2012 at 4:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 30, 4:15PM,
And he will, LOL. It may not be within the time frame you'd prefer, but yea, there's a very high liklihood here that he'll reappear as usual. But the difference this time may be, if he doesn't hear from you and you wait him out, he may worry he's lost you for good - and THAT may be what ultimately changes him for the better.

So it's very important that you don't contact him so that he has the time needed to reach that conclusion for himself.

And just as an aside here, to other women reading this, there's an age range with men - about 30 to 36 or so, that I personally feel is the new mid-life crisis age for men.

Some have referred to men in that age range as "adult adolescents." And I think it's fitting.

It's the age when a couple of possible things are going on for men:

1) They may be divorced from their first "starter wife" and experiencing singledom once again and thoroughly enjoying it

2) They may be resisting settling down and have never been married

3) Many of their friends are either still single or divorced themselves, now entering the dating field again - so they have "wing men" available to them for the bar scene

4) They're a bit more accomplished than they were 10 years earlier. As a result, they're experiencing the singles scene from a different perspective than they were when they were 20. And they're now realizing that money and some success goes nicely with being single - it works to their advantage and they have their pick of 20 and 30 some year old women looking for a good man, so they're taking full advantage of that.

As a result, when I encounter women dating men between the ages of 30 to 36, I do issue a bit of a warning with regards to that for all of the reasons I've stated above.

Women are more mature than men. So a 31 year old woman can tend to have the maturity of a 41 year old one. However, men don't mature as quickly. So a 33 year old man, can have the maturity of a 23 year old one. Except in his 30's, he now has some money, maybe his own home or apartment, a decent car - he has more going for him.

And he also has a plethora of 20-something aged women looking for a guy like that.

As a result, men in the age range of 30 to 36 can behave much like a kid in a candy store.

Either way, what usually happens is - they date the 20-somethings - only the modern day 20-something women are different from the 20-something women they knew when they were actually in their 20's. Today, 20-something year old women can "roll" men, LOL. Meaning, use them, cheat on them, play games with them - all the things that 20-something year old men do, 20-something year old women are now doing today also.

And by the time they reach the age of 37 to 45, they're now experiencing the disillusionment with being single in today's harsh dating world.

And THAT'S when they're ready to settle down either for the first time, or once again to make a second attempt at it after a divorce.

Just some food for thought.

Either way, don't contact him. He'll be back. Let him experience all that he needs to, let enough time pass for him to realize he actually cares for you and in the meantime, begin to casually date other men.

Don't wait around for some guy to get his shit together. Carry on as if he's gone for good. And just when you've met another really nice man and you're feeling as if you're over this one - THAT'S when he'll reappear, LOL ;-); December 30, 2012 at 4:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 30, 4:15PM,
I'd like to add one VERY important factor here, too.

When this guy does reappear - YOU DON'T ANSWER OR RESPOND TO HIM. You ignore him. You make him think he's lost you for good. You let that message really sink in with him - that you mean business this time. You don't warn him of that with your words - YOU SHOW HIM YOU MEAN BUSINESS WITH YOUR ACTIONS.

So when he reappears, you ignore his first few attempts. You make him really work at getting his foot back in the door here and proving himself to you.

And you make him realize that he may have lost something for good - by ignoring his first few attempts. Ignore the first 3 or 4. Sit back and let him amp up those attempts and work at this and become fearful you're gone for good.

If you make the mistake of responding immediately, all you will be doing is reassuring him that you're still there, waiting for him. And you will also be signaling that it's okay for him to disappear and reappear at whim, and that no matter how bad he treats you or takes advantage of you, you'll still be right there when he comes back.

You DON'T send that impression to him.

You give this one the impression that you're gone for good. You ignore him and you wait for him to make repeated efforts to contact you.

You make this one prove himself to you.; December 30, 2012 at 4:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much Mirror, I needed that. By the way he is an attorney. When I met him he was just starting out. He was in a small crappy apartment and driving a car that wasn't dependable but I was there for him and was not into what he had. of course now he has built his own firm and living better and driving a nice luxury vehicle. He did tell me that he appreciate me and know that I had been down for him and liked him for him. But thanks for the advice. I will surely update you; December 30, 2012 at 7:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Ms. Mirror, great advice on 12/30 4:45. I needed to hear that.

I wrote about Scorpio on 12/27 6:28; still have not heard from him, and am not real confident I will. (Although I have chosen not to date yet, I am living life and doing things with friends.)

I enjoy your dating advice, and found your comments regarding sharing too much detail very interesting. My gf's at work have told me that I share too much. Virgo guy actually told me, "You're too honest."

I disagreed with them and didn't understand what they have been telling me until I read your post.

You see, my entire childhood life was lived as a lie -- I had to pretend to be happy, and had to keep secrets, etc., so when I became an adult, and after I put the work into therapy (YAY!), I made a choice to live my life as an open book: NO secrets.

Unfortunately, that has backfired on me in the dating world I've been in the past few years because now I see by being so open, I am, as a figure of speech, handing over my "play" book for the other side to see how to Win.

What a silly, silly woman I have been. I have chosen to believe that everyone has the best intentions, and if I became involved with a man as more than friends, that he would look out for me as I do for him.

WRONG! Some people are only (or firstly) looking out for themselves.

After I had two bad dating/relationship experiences, I went back to therapy in January for help to try to figure out WTF happened. What my therapist wanted me to do was look at where I was successful in life, and why, and then apply it to my dating behavior.

Work was one example where I have been very successful. But I was not happy with the idea of applying my work ethics to my relationships.

Work is work, relationships were supposed to be "all good." I thought if I had to "work at it," then HE wouldn't be the right one for me. But, now I see, I need to.

In day to day work life, I am respectful and consistent. I work hard and expect the same of others (and have a reputation of such). The cowards hide, those with the same work ethics become allies and friends.

My task now is to learn how to use my work skills in the dating world to learn who these men really are before handing over my heart and body and life.

I am not ready to start dating again, but when I am, it sure is going to be interesting.

Thank you again for clarity. I appreciate it.
To be continued... :)

Hugs, Gemini 50; December 30, 2012 at 10:32 PM
Anonymous said...: UPDATE: Mirror, I think they are officially bf/gf!

I was typing in my browser to find my friend's Pinterest account, and I accidentally selected libra guy's profile.

I know these are NO accidents, and I was right: I found out he subscribed to his girl's birthday wish list - and her description of the list mentioned helping her "bf" with birthday gift ideas. That list was created on Dec 18th.

My jaw dropped! Libra guy sent me the 2 e-mails on Dec 24th. They were definitely official sometime this month - yet he STILL went ahead and wrote me sweet stuff (miss you sweetheart / miss your kisses / <3).

I feel so bad for her - because she is sounding VERY in love right now, reminiscing about how the fun the trip was (with him). And she mentioned how she felt it was good enough that her bf got her gifts.

I guess she's really not tuning into her intuition, or she's simply ignoring it because he makes her feel so special. Perhaps she'll never find out how shady he is, and stay ignorantly blissful.

I'm glad I've been paying attention to my gut, which led me to NC-ing him in the first place. I'd be absolutely CRUSHED if I was still in touch with him now, and found out they were official (he probably wouldn't have told me).

Yes, he's a lawyer and accomplished with money - but he's not even handsome nor tall! I figure that would make him LESS of a player. Maybe it just makes him more insecure, and in need of ego stroking as you said. Who knows, maybe their "love" will change him. ;P

I'm happy to find out they are official though - as this makes it easier to let go of him entirely because I feel it's disrespectful to miss/fantasize about somebody else's man.

I'm going to find me a better man and he will be ALL mine. ;D Might even meet him at tonight's party, teehee.

Oh, and, I like your suggestion to "ask questions periodically to see if he's lying." Will definitely keep this in mind for future reference. Fun dating times ahead!

Happy New Year and much love to you MIRROR!

- Vivian; December 31, 2012 at 3:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
I hear ya. Sucks to find out the world can actually be an ugly place at times, huh?

I get that you want to be transparent and honest and that's admirable. However, you need to think of your secrets or inner most wishes and desires as high value - in otherwords, top secret. And like any good uncover spy, you only reveal the top secret files to another trusted ally. And when not dealing with a trusted ally, you guard those secrets with your life because if they fall into the wrong hands, they can actually become your undoing.

And to simplify the concept that your therapist is attempting to have you explore - to explore what makes you successful at work as opposed to relationships - that's easy.

Do you know why you're successful in your career? Here's why:

Because in business, you do what needs to be done logically, not emotionally. You use logic in your career, not emotions.

Emotions blind us, they just do. But logic very rarely is anything but blatently honest. So what you're therapist is really attempting to do is to have you approach dating much like business - logically, not emotionally.

I mean think about it. If someone came to you in business and said, "Hey, I have a bridge in Brooklyn that I'd like you to buy." Would you just take his WORDS for it that it's a good deal? No way.

You would fly to Brooklyn. You would want to see the bridge. You would ask questions about the bridge. You would research the history of the bridge. You would research the surrounding property values of the bridge.

And THEN and only THEN, would you agree to "buy" into what your being sold.

Understand? You would do your homework and then you would base your decision upon logic and facts, not emotions and BS talk.

Well, dating is the same. Just because some guy you meet wants to sell you some damn bridge in Brooklyn doesn't mean you should believe him, trust him or enter into the deal without doing your homework first and gathering the cold, hard facts.

So it's actually a very simple concept. The reason you have success in your career is because you use logic and facts to make your decisions there.

The reason you are having difficulties in the dating world is because you're throwing all of that out the window and instead, your using emotions to make decisions. You're trusting them without doing the homework and researching facts and using logic to make your decisions.

Break it down and start approaching dating with logic and facts versus emotions and the benefit of the doubt and you will find that it becomes very clear who the bad guys are and who the good guys are :-); December 31, 2012 at 11:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
Ugh lawyers, attorneys. . .seems there right up there with contractors (and used car salesmen) in the bullshit department, LOL.

"I feel so bad for her - because she is sounding VERY in love right now. . I guess she's really not tuning into her intuition, or she's simply ignoring . . Perhaps she'll never find out how shady he is, and stay ignorantly blissful."

Nah, someday she'll find out he's shady. It may be months from now or even a year or two from now, but someday, his true face will be revealed to her.

And regardless of this fantasizing, blissful state she's living in, the REALITY is - he's chatting up other women on the side. If this chic found that out right now, I don't even think she'd believe it - she'd be crushed. She thinks she's found the perfect man but someday, she's gonna realize she only found another snake in the grass.

And think about this . . . if this is what he's doing online that's VISIBLE, imagine what the hell this man is doing in the real world that CAN'T BE SEEN right now? He's surrounded by young interns, secretaries, clerical and administrative chics on a daily basis, in and out of his office, in the courts, in the system - he's encountering women all damn day. Imagine what his behavior with THEM is like? The behavior you can't see. If his online behavior is any indication of what his day to day behavior is, it's just the tip of the iceberg, trust me. You're only seeing a tiny fraction of his overall behavior online.

And I'm getting the vibe that this chic he dates is materialistic. These trips and gifts and whatnot all seem very important to her. It's almost as if a man is gifting her items on a regular basis - that's good enough for her. I dunno, maybe it's just me. But I think from day one, he's blinded her by gifting her things and she's always talking about these THINGS, stuff he's buying - she's real focused on that it seem.

I know women like that. A girlfriend of mine was at a party recently and a woman married for some 30 years was there. Her husband is very successful and kept stepping outside to take calls - from his mistress. The wife was inside and KNEW who he was talking to and joked about it.

When the women inside started opening up to one another about it - another wife admitted her successful husband has been doing the same damn thing for years. When asked why they stay, the one woman said, "I just go out and run up his credit cards is all."

So my girlfriend then says, "So what are you saying? You snuggle up to a credit card at night?"

She caught the other women completely off guard and there was absolute silence. So there are women out there who value things more than feelings and relationships and successful, corporate type men - they feel entitled to certain things - like the attention from multiple women.

Cont . . .; December 31, 2012 at 11:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I can't be absolutely sure what's going on here with these two - but the more I hear, it's appearing that they're falling into that ever popular scenario - the material girl and the entitled, successful man.

And those material girls will live a life of pure misery and humiliation at a man's hands simply to have a few pair of Jimmy Choo and Louboutin shoes in their closet.

And since my point of asking questions periodically to see if men are lying rang with you, I'd like to elaborate and say to take that a step further with men. And by that, I mean, if you know a truth about a man but it's one you think he might have trouble revealing, ask him about it casually in an unobvious way - to see if you get the truthful response or a lie.

An example would be, say you heard through the grapevine or saw online somewhere that a man's ex contacted him. You already know the TRUTH. But you play dumb and when conversation permits it, you casually say something to the effect of, "I've been friends with an ex. How about you? Do you still hear from any of your exes?"

And see if he bullshits you and confesses that he has recently heard from an ex - or if he chooses to lie to you instead.

Another example would be, say you met a guy and heard through the grapevine that his marriage ended because he had an affair. You date for a while and then conversation of marriage, relationships, etc. comes up. When that happens you now have an opening to say something like, "I'm not sure what I think about cheaters. I mean, I understand that marriages and relationships can go bad and that people aren't perfect. But cheating seems complicated to me. I dunno, what do you think? Have you ever stepped outside of a relationship?"

But there's a trick to this. And that trick is - you have to appear as if their answer won't phase you either way. Meaning, if you say, "I hate cheaters" and then ask him if he's cheated, obviously, he's going to lie and say no because he can clearly see you wouldn't be okay with the truth.

So the trick is to make it appear that either way, you're okay and you don't care which answer he provides. So then that way, he feels comfortable with being honest.

And if you get the truth and you don't like what you've heard, you don't make a big damn deal about it. You don't start riding him about it, you don't start interrogating him about it, you don't appear as if it's upset you. You simply say, "Oh I see. Yea, I can understand that." And then you never take another call from him again, if the truth has made you feel differently about him.

But in order to get the truth - you have to appear that you're able to HANDLE the truth.

And as far as this Libra guy is concerned, by using "no contact" - look at the world of facts and truths it's revealed about him. It's amazing, when you pull back a bit and distance yourself a bit, how clearly you can then see the man for who he truly is. No contact is so VERY valuable when dating, I can't stress it enough.

So just be glad, Vivian, that the poor, unaware girl were speaking of here isn't YOU.

At first you were jealous of her. But now - you feel sorry for her. Amazing what a month of no contact can do for you, huh?

Be glad that isn't you.; December 31, 2012 at 11:38 AM
Anonymous said...: Happy New Year MOA! :)

I was one of the ladies who wrote to you from a while ago. No updates on my part, and I honestly doubt he's going to contact me again. Even IF he does, it's not going to be anytime soon. It's even going to hit the 2 month mark since his last message. I accept that his interest is completely lost.

Anyhow, thank you for steering me in the right direction after that. Thank you for replying to each and every of these ladies with such a sincere helpful spirit. You amaze me by what you do.

Ever since his disappearance, I really tried to continue enjoying my life... and I went out with close guy friends, ate lots of good food and tried new things. A part of me still misses him. I never chased him, nor did I once contact him after he stopped contacting me. But I still wish he'd try harder to win my affection. But it's undeniable there are material reasons as to why I feel this way about him, so it might be easier for me to restrict from contacting him or chase after him.

Anyway, I did stay strong because of your smart advice. I may not be completely happy right now, but I am trying my best with whatever I've got.

Thank you MOA. Happy New Year and may it bring all the good karmic returns you deserve.; December 31, 2012 at 5:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Ms Mirror, Gemini 50 here.

I will try to keep this short, but I just have to share: Last night, at New Years gathering, funny and entertaining man in his early 40’s drinking around a beautiful bonfire in a yard surrounded with snow and holiday lights... topic turns to how he likes heavy women and his ability to “hook up” with them (I’ll call him Jerk).

Jerk> hey, they really like to please, and in the morning, it’s like, hey baby… it’s been great but gotta go, have things to do…

Me> That’s it? Just hit and run? What about the woman?

Jerk> Oooooh, you’re the kind that likes to snuggle? Hey, I like to snuggle, I looooove to snuggle. And then you want a call the next day to check in? To see how you are doing? Hey, I’m good with that. I’ll come back. You know what that’s called? A one-night stand turned into a two-night stand. Hahaha…

OMG! All I can see is Scorpio...

Women, run, run, run!!; January 1, 2013 at 2:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Yea, he's scum. And he's incredibly insecure. This is the precise reason I'm constantly reminding women that men who are insecure don't make good lovers, boyfriends or husbands. It's always all about them, their issues cause strange behavior and warped thinking and they are prone to cheating - because of this warped thinking and because they need lots of female attention to actually feel manly.

What's really funny is - these kinda guys suck in bed, LOL. They've got so many issues and warped ideas about women and selfishness that they provide a less than lackluster experience for a woman.

I bet none of the women that become his one night stands even worry about the fact that he doesn't call them the next day because they're probably still in the shower, trying to wash the "ick" off their skin.

Notice he's not worried about pleasing someone else? Notice it's all about HIS pleasure?

I bet if he gets an opportunity for a two night stand after a crappy one night performance - he probably jumps on it, LOL.

Now don't get me wrong, not all men are like this cretin. I imagine this one's knuckles are bleeding from dragging on the ground. There are good men out there - but there are a lot of worthless creeps out there, too.

And THIS is why it's so VERY IMPORTANT for women to "qualify" a man first. To make him prove himself and his interest. Because you see, a cretin like this guy . . he's not going to try real hard. He's a lazy guy seeking sex looking for an easy target. So a smart women would be quick to sniff him out because if she hung back and made him come to her - he wouldn't bother once he realized he'd have to put some effort into it. In which case, you avoid an encounter with an idiot, lame-o like this jag.

I bet he's a real charmer, too, oozing with compliments and BS talk of the future and all the great times he's going to show these ladies - which amounts to a 4 minute, crap encounter in the sak, LOL.

And one other thing here, ladies. Just a personal observation . . . but men who talk like this, men who talk about having success at getting laid - yea - they're not having ANY success at it. Which is why they have to overcompensate and talk as if they are, so they can get you to believe their lie.

Because let's face it. Men who are getting laid regularly don't have to say it - it just shows.

Here's an example of overcompensation to show you what I mean and what to look for to notice it.

Overcompensation is: when someone states the obvious (what should be obvious).

Here's an example, a statement of something that should be obvious, should be a given. If a guy, outta nowhere, suddenly says to you without you asking, "You can trust me, I don't lie."

He's a liar and he's not to be trusted. Why? Because he just stated the obvious. He just made a statement about something that should be obvious, something you shouldn't have to convince people to believe.

I mean, look at yourself - you're truthful and you don't lie. But do you go around stating that to people? Making that statement to them? Saying, "Hey, look at me, I don't lie and I'm honest."

No. You don't. Why? Because it should be a given that you don't lie and that you're honest - via your actions, not your WORDS.

Cont . . .; January 1, 2013 at 3:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Honest, trustworthy people don't go running around telling people they don't lie and that you can trust them. They don't have to do that, their actions are proof that they don't do that, it's obvious they don't do that and they don't feel a need to force or convince you to believe that they don't do that.

But liars? Yea, they run around constantly stating the obvious and overcompensating for their shortcoming. Their shortcoming is that - they lie and they aren't trustworthy. So they overcompensate in their behavior to hide this fact. They state the obvious (what should be a given) in an attempt to convince you to believe they are honest. They're making this obvious statement out loud - to convince you to believe it.

And being able to hone in on someone like this, these subtle things - that's called "street smarts" gals. Make sure you have 'em. Because any good hustler knows that when you encounter a boisterous, loud mouthed fool on the streets making claims about their greatness - you don't buy it. You immediately know they're a fool. Why? Because the big dogs on the streets, the true hustlers - they don't say shit. They're discreet about the matter and about their personal business and you have to be on the "in" to know the truth - and it's an unspoken truth.

So when a man runs around talking about how he's getting laid all the time - chances are, this happened only once or twice in the last year, LOL - if that. And I've seen men go back as far as 5 years retelling stories of their sexual escapades, leading you to believe it happened only yesterday.

Men who get sexed up regularly don't run around telling people about it. Actually, the men who are getting laid regularly are "mum" about it. Why? They don't want women to catch on. They don't want women to find out about all the other women in their life. And they don't want potential lovers to think ill of them.

I know what you're thinking. You're like, "But what about the players?" Well, thing is, many of those men running their yaps about women chasing them down - it's not true. Players are insecure guys who get lucky on occasion. Then spend months and years bragging about the few times they were successful - they overcompensate - to get you to believe they ARE successful - when the reality is, they're really not and all they do is string women along, playing head games to keep things going. Sure, they do get lucky from time to time, but they spend the bulk of their time playing games - not getting laid. So they might have 5 women blowing up their phone, but they probably slept with them months earlier - and the rest of the time is spent gaming and stringing them along to keep attention funneled their way.

A true player, ladies (not a little boy game player but a true "mac") - and I'm talking like a true James Bond player, an honest to goodness ladies man - he's very discreet. I mean, look at the James Bond character himself. Sure, he knows he's good looking, sure he knows he's a ladies man, sure he knows he has loads of success scoring with women - but does he run around telling everybody about his successes? No, he doesn't. He'll only slyly smile or nod, not say a word, and remain discreet about the matter.

THOSE are the TRUE players (that every man wishes he could be).

These schmucks running their mouths like this in degrading ways about women, bragging and acting a fool - are generally full of themselves, are crappy lovers and insecure men who feel the need to brag - so you'll buy into his false utopian vision of himself.; January 1, 2013 at 3:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Virgochick

Oh Aphrodite, how glad I am to have found your site, since reading posts today I have never felt liberated and so in control.

I'd like to know your thoughts on this issue of mine, been in LDR for about 9 months, as per usual all the right things said at the beginning, loves me, believes will be together someday, endless d&ms the whole sha-bang. I went to meet his family (his doing and asking) and the moment I came back home, things went exactly as above, distant, said he needs time to think about things, cant give me what I deserve right now etc etc. I took this as goodbye, so I said fair enough see ya later. He got all uppity about my reaction, and said im seeing this wrong it doesnt mean he doesn't want anything to do with me or be close, just needs to cool things down.

At first my mistake, I got bit emotional and told him that its been hard for me to deal with this because I do love him and I dont get where this has come from. Then I eventually backed away, I became distant go few days without contact. Whenever I do this he then says "not talking to me anymore :( " if that goes unanswered then its ".... :( "
I said back well if you cant give me what I deserve right now what am I suppose to do?. Since then its texts every now and then, sometimes mine will go unanswered for several hours, so I do the same and he says ignoring him isn't going to help. wtf?

Now I am doing my own thing, having fun which he would clearly see on fb. Keeping cool about it for now. Just this whole thing he gets all funny at me when I ignore him. This has been a month and a half of this distancing but I feel I can't quite move on. I've tried twice now to end it (I dont want to at all, but all this distancing has only been killing me) and he wont take that opportunity.

I know for a fact he is insecure, we've talked about that quite openly, has had ppl cheat on him, sometimes questions me if I am or gets jealous but then I think thats the norm with LDR too.

So, apart from that, the whole thing with him getting bit upset at me when I ignore him, how should I respond? Would mean a lot to me to have you're insight. It seems unfair he can want this cool off and pick and choose when, but I cant? I always think I will lose him if I go days without responding. argh!; January 2, 2013 at 12:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi, Im so glad I ran across your article! I met a guy (early december) and we hit it off very well. First week: We talk often and we are excited to see one another. We go on a cool hiking date and had a blast. He is new to town and he is having his car shipped to him. He tried to rent a car to take me out to eat but that didnt work out. He still wanted to see me, so I took him to an awesome adventurous place. We sat in my car for hours talking until it got dark. So we went to his house where he lives with a roommate (who I got along with) to continue talking and watch tv, eat. I went in his house because he didnt give me the vibe most guys give me about trying to get in my pants. I didnt know where I stood. We spent most of the date not touching, not even sitting close and his roommate having conversations with me or us. We watched movies and we ended up kissing. Passionately kissing led to touching but it never went further and he respected that. He never tried to have sex with me. The next day I didnt hit him up until night and he wants to see me again the following day for a lunch date. He told me he had plans for the night. Cool. The following day I got tied up in class for a random final report which I told him about. He didnt get mad or cancel. He told me he really wanted to see me even if we didnt go out. I came late so we just stayed at his house, eating something he made for me. We start watching the game together. We make out passionately and go a little further but not sex or blowing him. At the end he says he wishes he could have more quality time with me and that he didnt want me to leave. Hes "happy." And experienced something new. I left. Now i know that since we arent exclusive (we just met) that he is single and checking his options. He was honest enough to tell me the first date.; January 2, 2013 at 6:03 AM
Anonymous said...: So I dont contact him for 2 days and I wish him a thoughtful gn and he quickly responds.This is the second week of knowing him. He remembers everything I say. I dont contact him again for a day and then I wish him a gm (he normally wishes me one almost everyday.) He responds: " lol Good morning...I was just going to text you...apologizing for my distance..Im finding it harder to balance two people at the same time...I like you and want to put more effort into you." I tell him I like him too and I was busy and trying to give him space. He says "I just dont want to waste your time hun. Because we dont talk as much...or hang out...and im very sexual." So, I tell him just dont rush it with me. He agrees. I ask him later that night what he meant and he responded "because we dont talk as much." So I stupidly think he wants me to talk to him more and I say gm to him the day after and he doesn't respond. Just when im thinking hes doesnt like me, he gets to me the following day asking all about me (i made it sound like I was living it up surfing, trying new things, etc). I asked him about his date and he acts confused "I dint know i was on one" because he refers to her as "talking not dating" and hes like oh, its fine. I say how cute lol he responds "yea yea :/." We continue talking and me telling him about heterochromia of my eyes (one is brown and one is green). He thinks its cool and doesnt reveal much about him and goes to sleep and tells me he'll hmu tomorrow. The next day I invite him (first time inviting him) to the theater to see a movie he was talking about tonight. He says he is going out tonight and suggests the following day. I tell him Im doing volunteer work during the day(i.e.when he normally works) so when are you free. He says, Ill let you know. The next day comes and he never said anything. He wouldve normally apologized or something. He tweeted late at night, Im sorry, and someone said tell them that and he said I cant and mentioned eggshells. Idk if he was referring to me but I assumed lol. I never contacted him for weeks after that. On christmas day, I made the mistake of wishing him a "happy holidays". He responded immediately wishing me the same "same to you miss" and I never hit him up since. Can you offer some insight into what happened and what I did wrong? I feel like we hit it off, I didnt get heavy on him (hes a gemini), gave him space, had my own life, kept things interesting, his friends like me, hes told me he likes me, where did I go wrong? Did my actions that night change everything?; January 2, 2013 at 6:08 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey MOA

Happy New Year to you.

I'm having a debate with a male Sag friend about mirroring when a guy disappears that a girl should reply not immediately, and then be unavailable initially or at least not available to meet straight away on the day he wants when he first suggests a time to meet. Sag male friend says being upfront is better and telling them that this is not on.

I believe mirroring could work though for the long term benefit. Even if you pull back the first time they disappear/reappear....but then the second time perhaps having the honest chat.

He seems to fully disagree. Says it's game playing and that doesn't work.

I believe some game playing/mirroring required to keep the woman balanced if the man acts up.....then they will get through that and it could even out and be more smooth sailing. (or it may just end too of course). Mine is all instinct though that it could work, not facts.

So, my question to you is, do you actually know any/many couples who've gone through disappearing/reappearing where mirroring was used/being less available when they return and yet they pulled through that bad spot and still got married?

Big question, I know.; January 2, 2013 at 9:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 2, 9:06AM,
Well, telling a man your strategy is only going to end up with them telling you "No, don't do that." Why? Because men like things easy. So naturally, they'll say something silly like "have a talk" - because it makes it easy on them. But you know what having that talk will get you? Dumped. It sounds great on paper but the simple fact is, it would only work with a mature man. And when you have a man disappearing and reappearing and acting unsure, he's not going to want to talk, he'll run and you will have made his mind up for him right then and there.

Men don't hear words - they hear ACTION.

And the entire point of hanging back is to:

1) Keep things balanced
2) Keep yourself distanced so your emotions don't get out of control
3) Make a man realize he cares for you
4) Make him miss you
5) Make him think

And if you have "the talk" instead - none of the above happens. You have the talk and then he decides it's too much and he leaves. He doesn't miss you, he has absolutely no time to think things through, he doesn't realize he cares for you and he leaves. Because now he's in "run from serious relationship" mode.

And yes, I do know many women that have mirrored a man's behavior and then got married. I also know many women who have mirrored a man's behavior and they're together in long term relationships - for approximately 4 to 9 years and neither party wishes to get married.

If you pull back the first time a guy disappears and then hit him with "the talk" the second time - chances are you will never see him again. That talk will send him running for the hills.

No WORDS - ACTIONS only.; January 2, 2013 at 9:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 2, 12:48PM,
Yep, he's insecure and as a result, he's attempting to make YOU do ALL the WORK to keep this entire relationship going. You see, he played a game here. And when he did, you were supposed to CHASE him. That's what he wants. He wants you to be all upset, wants you to ring his phone so he can ignore you, wants you to text him so he can ignore you, he wants you to chase him so he can say he needs space.

Why?

Because he's insecure and that's what insecure men do to make themselves feel manly. Which is why I repeatedly say that insecure men don't make good boyfriends, husbands or lovers. They tinker with women's heads and emotions to make themselves feel better about themselves. They don't know how to make a woman happy and it's always about THEM.

He's upset with you that you don't chase him so he can ignore you. Yet, when you mirror his behavior, he tells you ignoring him won't work. Well, if it won't work - then why does HE DO IT?

He's doing all of this for attention. And this is the game that insecure men play. And once you give him the attention he seeks, he'll ignore you.

Don't reward a man for treating you poorly with your attention and affection.

And if he pulls away for good, consider it a blessing. Because if you stay with a man like this - he'll behave this way everytime he wants your attention.

He'll have you on a roller coaster constantly tinkering with your emotions.; January 2, 2013 at 9:28 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 2, 6:08AM,
"Can you offer some insight into what happened and what I did wrong?"

Here's what went wrong:

"The next day I didnt hit him up until night"

"I came late"

"So I dont contact him for 2 days and I wish him a thoughtful gn"

" I dont contact him again for a day and then I wish him a gm"

"I ask him later that night what he meant"

"I say gm to him the day after"

"The next day I invite him (first time inviting him) to the theater to see a movie"

"I made the mistake of wishing him a "happy holidays"."

What went wrong here is that you were the pursuer. You did all the work here, all the pursuing, and you took on the man's role. Instead of him being a man and pursuing you, you pursued him.

When that's the case, it never works. Women should NEVER contact men. The only way you know if they're interested or not is if THEY contact YOU. And when a woman pursues a man, it's a big turnoff to them. They see it as weakness and desperation and they wonder what's wrong with the woman - because she's doing what the man should be doing.

You should never contact a man. You should always let a man pursue you.; January 2, 2013 at 9:39 AM
Anonymous said...: TO MOA
From @Anonymous Jan. 2, 9:06AM,

FULLY AGREE WITH YOU! Well put rational argument. Thanks very much.; January 2, 2013 at 10:00 AM
Anonymous said...: I posted a similar question yesterday afternoon but looks like there might have been a glitch because I don't see it on here so here we go again....sorry if ends up as a double post:

I posted earlier in December regarding the random "hey" text from the guy who had been MIA for a little over a month. Anyways I never responded to that text but a week or so later on Christmas day, I got a Merry Christmas text. I thought it would be rude not to reply (plus as I mentioned in one of my posts, he always responded to all my texts and only quit initiating)so I sent a "Merry Christmas" text back the next day. I didn't hear from him after that-I had no expectations. On New Year's Eve, I got another "Happy New Year" text. Now I am not sure if I should even bother with a response.

I am baffled as to why he keeps sending these holiday wishes without initiating any other communication. Mirror, what do you think? Ignore the most recent text or wait at least 3 days and respond?; January 2, 2013 at 10:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous,
I have a guy doing this to me right now. He'll "tap" me every once in a while and say hello or ask how I am - I wait a while and I respond - and then he either disappears again or replies with some whacked two word answer that doesn't even relate, LOL.

I think sometimes they just test to see:

1) If you're still there
2) If your number is still the same
3) If you'll still speak to them

Then once they find that out, they go on about their business again. It's weird, I don't get it. But then again, I don't dwell on it too much either. If a guy wants me, he knows where to find me. And if I respond, that's a good sign for him, LOL.

I'd wait a couple days, maybe tonight or tomorrow and then respond with, "Happy New Year to you too - I hope it was a good one for you!"

And leave it at that. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. And he's getting responses from you, which to me, are all the green lights a man needs to proceed.

He just needs to man up is all and eventually, if he wants it bad enough, if he's genuinely interested, that's exactly what he'll do.; January 2, 2013 at 5:14 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA

I have spent ten hours reading your site and all the posts and responses on four sections. How I wish I'd found your site in April 2012. Sigh.; January 2, 2013 at 6:02 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous Jan 2 12.48

Thank you so much. Yes insecurity is causing this game, I still don't understand why he starts now after 9 months. He knows it will take effort and commitment for us to be together, hell I was prepared to move cities for him and this has now changed my mind. I suggested calling him last week since its been over a month since we spoke, he agreed then didn't follow through. I hate the fact I still love him and he will say things to rope me in but I am going to be strong and have belief in myself I'll find someone better. All I can imagine now is he is seeking/getting attention from girls elsewhere and I'm now a back up. I'm going to refuse any contact now for a week, fall off the face of the earth for a while, hard as it will be I'm going to do it. Friends always say no, let him know you're upset bla bla but that hasn't worked lol. He is also a Pisces, which I didn't think they were like this. I know the important thing for him at the moment is partying with his mates, drinking, doing bit of drugs and here I was thinking when I came back we'd be taking the next step. Blah! Thank you again for telling me how it is!; January 2, 2013 at 6:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much for your answer. I really appreciate it. He normally contacts me first. I wanted to show that I like him as well instead of it being one sided esp after he told me "i want to put more effort into you." I figured the least I can do is say something to him every now and then. I guess that was a mistake. I assumed after two dates in the same week that he asked me on- that I would initiate at least one. I never mentioned that I'm his date or anything suggestive or where he stood with me. I had a random school project and we changed plans of our 2nd date, I respectfully apologized and let him know in advance and kept him posted.
When I invited him to the movie, a week later, it was in a playful friend like manner. But I know now. I wasn't even thinking about the "game." I'm never too close to him or pursuing him (at least I thought lol). I didn't talk to him every day, I didn't make him my priority. He's usually the one chasing me except for those last few days of the second week where I starting saying good morning every now and then. On our first date, there were red flags that I ignored: he told me jokingly "Im not an asshole, but Im an ass sometimes." He repeats: "Im a gemini"(as if he id w/every characteristic).
The last time I saw him was the day we were eating, laughing, watching the game and later touching and got a little further (no sex). I didnt contact him after that for 2 days until he did. We went back and forth initiating and speaking less and less often during my finals week. Now (2 weeks later since he last initiated) we rarely or don't talk at all. He never ignores me or doesnt respond. I last spoke to him on Christmas, saying a generic happy holidays. So, my actions ran him away it seems? That sucks lol. Interesting how things work. Its surprising because it ended as fast as it happened. I wish i could fix this. I don't want him thinking that hes in control esp since I was different and more relaxed in this, so its surprised me. What should i do?; January 2, 2013 at 6:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 2 6:16PM,
Don't do anything..sit tight and let him come to you. That's how you know if a man is genuinely interested or not. If they are, they pursue you. If they're not, they don't. it's really that simple.

And his statement on your first date was him actually warning you...he's an ass sometimes and a Gemini personality (I.e. he's indecisive, flighty and experiences dual personalities at times....basically he's flight risk...Air is mutable, changeable. He's an Air sign.)

He'll be back. Most all come back LOL. May be a month or two...but there's a high likelihood he'll be back so sit tight. If you continue touching base and reaching out...it'll only drive him further. The key here is to hang back and let him be drawn to come to you.; January 2, 2013 at 8:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you! You should seriously have a tv show! I pretty much snapped out of it and realized that Im a woman and that I have waaaay more power and influence on how I want a relationship to go. I dont need to be played or be available when he pleases.
Im a scorpio so part of me wants to get back at him and treat him how he did me :p lol

Thanks a lot!!!; January 2, 2013 at 9:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror- Thanks again for your well-reasoned response on January 2, 2013 5:14 PM. I did exactly as you recommended and will report back if anything changes, which I doubt. I have been out of the dating scene for awhile-didn't realize it had turned into this much of battleground. I am 27 and I don't recall it being this hard back in the early 2000s LOL. It seems like guys these days are either creepy, looking for sex , playing games, or ALL THE ABOVE.; January 3, 2013 at 3:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 3, 3:33PM,
I know it feels that way, but there are good men out there.

Modern day dating these days just requires lots and lots of filtering and weeding by women - you can't take every guy that comes along at his word, or seriously, is all.

Because we live in a world where we are growing sociopaths and narcissistic individuals at an alarming rate. I read a study that claimed there are 3.5 million sociopaths nowadays, just in America alone.

You need to be very, very careful who you get close to these days is all.

But the good men are still out there. And most times, they're the one's that women pass over without giving a second thought to.

So if there's a geeky crowd of men around you or where you work - don't ignore them. Give them a chance because those are the good guys.

And they'd absolutely cherish a beautiful woman giving their time and attention to them.; January 3, 2013 at 5:00 PM
Peter said...: Hello to all you ladies here! I emailed Aphrodite and I promised I would give my views on this post.

I want to say, first of all, I'm a man and I read this post and was impressed. It's spot on what you ladies should do. I will tell you from my experience of dealing my male friends and other males over the years why this is the case.

I spent year after year listening to my friend’s advice about woman and watching them try to pursue a promising lady. I can tell you very much that what Aphrodite outlines here is exactly what you need to do. None of the material out lined in the post is manipulative or game playing. It is how you need to behave to protect yourself and sort the genuine, secure, squared away, complete man from the guy who just wants to use you. I will highlight this by my own situation, as I am currently pursuing a lady who is using this on me.

I met up with this lady and from day one the thing I noticed most about her was who she is. She is impressive to me in every way. Looks never came into it, I was too busy appreciating her. But when I did notice, it was like a hammer blow. As far as I'm concerned, she is stunning and is the whole package. She is acting in the way outlined in this post. Does it bother me? No, because I'm in this for HER. Not sex, not games or ego boosting. For HER - who she is, how she is and how that makes me feel.

Ok, so on the flip side, what do my male friends think of her? For the most part, they are nice people. But when it comes to a good lady, they are shallow, insecure, arrogant little kids. The view they have of the lady in question? They think she is ugly, mental, and a game player. Things like "she looks like a man" and "shes crazy," and "be nasty to her - make her miss you and chase you - she will sleep with you then."

To me, that’s vile on many levels. First it’s not natural, it’s a man’s duty to a good woman to take the stand and step up to her. It’s also disgusting to me to hear people talk about her in this way with such a level of disrespect. I won’t have her devalued in any way. Not acceptable and this was made clear to them in no uncertain terms. All of them said in the end they would never date her. Which for me, is a damn good thing. Her actions are doing the right job in putting off the men who don't see her for her.

Am I finding it easy? Not really, and its going hard. I will be truthful. Being on the end of it is not always easy for me. However, it is good because I intend in every way possible to be persistent and confident. To change my approach until she gets it into her head that I'm in this for her. I'm not always good at it and I will mess up, but I will do it.

So, for ladies reading this fantastic post, please for you - follow this advice. Do it because all of you deserve to find the right guy who is in it for you. Just know that when you do find him and get him to never let this guy go. He may not say it, but showing you he is serious will have been hard for him and it may even be the best thing he ever does. I do PROMISE you he will do it for you. He will get over it and he will deal with it. He will do everything to reach you, as I am doing the same. Fresh out of ideas and frustrated - but determined to do this. Hence, how I found this site. I was looking for answers and a new approach.

Regards
Peter; January 5, 2013 at 11:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: How about that, ladies? Read Peter's comment above.

THIS is what a GENTLEMEN looks and sounds like, ladies.

And the reality is that Peter's buds are getting more attention than he does from women, having more success with them - by playing emotional head games with women. While Peter, the good guy, is being somewhat overlooked to an extent.

Ladies, DON'T fall for the braggarts in the room. The loud mouthed fools that act like they're the cat's ass.

PAY ATTENTION to the quiet ones. The guy in the group of men that isn't the loudest. The one that isn't trying the hardest, the one that isn't working an angle.

THOSE are the GOOD GUYS, ladies.

The others are just full of it. Full of themselves and full of arrogance, pride and over-exaggerated displays.

Alpha males DO NOT make great boyfriends, husbands and lovers girls. They're like a flash in the pan - and a big disappointment in the sak, most times, too LOL ;-)

And please ladies, take a few minutes to drop a comment here and thank Peter for sharing his honest assessment of these situations - from a man's point of view.

He was brave enough to step out of the shadows here to let all you ladies know that good men still exist.

So please take a moment to thank him for that and wish him luck on his journey - to win the girl of his dreams :-); January 5, 2013 at 12:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for sharing Peter. Good luck!
- Gemini 50; January 5, 2013 at 12:29 PM
miss_sunshine said...: he-hey .. that's a pleasant surprise! Peter, hopefully you're not the only one of your kind left :)

it's really very nice to have a man's perspective on this issue. it adds some more value to all the information shared in this post.

good luck on your pursuit!; January 5, 2013 at 5:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Peter,
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the luck. As a woman, I really appreciate your thoughts and input. Your writing has made me ponder even further, however. There is a man at work pursuing me (for about a year now) and I won’t date him because we work together and second, he’s been married three times, which makes me uneasy. Otherwise, I’d probably be very attracted to him.

The fact that I won’t date him, I think makes me more attractive to him. Honestly, I’m not playing hard to get – I just see some red flags (there’s other things too). If we women would just do that with every man (even the ones we want) wouldn’t we eventually get what we want? Or, are you saying that most men just would give up? But then again, it seems that having this non-interest is what creates attraction for a man, it seems to me.

I guess my question is - If I were just to do this more often, would I get the dates that I really want?; January 5, 2013 at 6:46 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for sharing your thoughts here,Peter,and best of luck to you. It is good to hear from a good guy for a change and to see that they really do exist! Take care :); January 5, 2013 at 7:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I posted few days ago regarding the insecure guy who gets upset when I mirror exactly what he does. Well, we had it out last night. I've been taking my time responding, not engaging in too much conversation or initiating anything and well he isn't liking it but at the same time I am glad he is feeling what I did. I've showed not much emotion just stating how it is. He is contacting me much more than last few weeks and always wondering what I am doing.

Still staying strong. He was basically saying I don't care about him and don't talk much anymore, he expected me to support him through tough times, I said well you wanted to cool down and you just needed friends right now.. thats exactly what I am doing and I am having a good time. I am not backing down like I used to and I pretty much threw him for six when I said I dont talk to you anymore? thats rich seeing as all the times before I was attempting to talk you and support you, you couldnt be bothered.

I guess the new me is proving a challenge. If it works out it works out but he has a lot to prove.

This honestly works! he is just too proud to admit he was doing the same thing, and I guess me not losing control emotionally and chasing him has gotten to him. Will see.

virgochick; January 5, 2013 at 11:34 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,

I had an extreme circumstance happen just before Christmas that completely derailed my relationship and I’d like to have an analysis or advice on what to do. He’s a Virgo.

I’m a 49 year old woman American living in Venice Italy. I started my life over here in August. I had not been in a relationship in a decade though dated often. I huge lesson I learned was that my life is important and I deserve to have someone who cares about me and my life as much as I always gave to them.

Anyway, I’ve been seeing someone here who I met over 2 months ago but have been seeing intensely for over a month. I could not have been happier and was so happy I waited for someone who treated me so well. He’d call every day, take me out, talk to me, be affectionate in public, do simple kind gestures, etc. He’s 40 and an executive chef in a 5 star restaurant. He’s separated with two children for over 3 years. Evidently in Italy you have to be legally separated for 3-5 years before officially getting divorced. He told me in his mind after filing the legal separation papers he was divorced.

He said that he hated the holidays as he had to work and it was a hassle with his ex and seeing his kids. (Evidently their problems stemmed from her not liking his work hours even though she married him knowing this. ) He would go to visit (an hour away) and she’d only let him see them for 2 hours. He returned from a visit without seeing his kids, as she changed her mind, very moody and was distancing himself from me. But I looked at his actions and said nothing as he had gone out of his way to prepare me an elaborate dinner with all these courses. He spent time preparing and shopping. And he brought everything to my house. I asked his feelings before he left and he told me I was the only one he was seeing and was very happy with us. And he was going back to try to see his kids but would be back on Christmas Eve and we could spend Christmas morning together.

To be continued: Dal; January 6, 2013 at 6:06 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont. from Dal:

On Dec. 22 I went out shopping for him because he always did nice things for me and I thought I’d let him feel special on Christmas since he was unhappy at that time. Well after a perfect day shopping and dinner with friends, I was attacked in an alley, beaten, had a broken hand, and my purse was stolen with all money, c.c’s, phone, etc. though I hung onto his gifts. I was with the police for 12 hours because I couldn’t get into my house. And the police were concerned that the person had my keys. (This rarely happens in Venice)

They tried to contact my guy through the hotel but no luck. When I was in the apt. I emailed. A few hours later he said he was sorry and would be back in the morning. I was a little surprised as he was only an hour away but I said nothing. His parents live near his ex. Well he came back and went to work not by my place which is a 15 minute walk away. I’m bruised and traumatized and needed him. I contacted him and he said he’d work out everything for me and bring me some cash and visit me at 4pm. I didn’t have a dime and it was the holidays. I waited and he didn’t show. (It’s Christmas Eve) I called and he said he was busy but would be by after work and not to worry. I waited up until 4am and he didn’t show or call. By noon on Christmas day I received an email from him that he left the restaurant early Christmas Eve because he had a stomach ache and went to bed early. He woke up with the pain and took the train back to his parents and was going to the hospital. (But he wasn’t in a coma, he could have canceled.)

Then even as broken as I was my nurturing nature kicked in and I told him he likely had an ulcer and what to do about it. I’ve had ulcers. He was happy for the support and emailed from the hospital that he had a slight ulcer. Every conversation after that was about him and how he was feeling. He had completely dismissed my life except to say he was sorry he couldn’t help but he had an ulcer. And he had no comment on how he just literally blew me off without an email.

Still traumatized, it didn’t sit right with me. It took me 6 days to track down someone to loan me some cash because everyone was away. My life was important. Strangers in Venice were treating me better than he was. I felt like to respect myself I had to say something or my life would never be important to him. I mean this was an emergency situation and he did nothing.

So I wrote him that I needed someone who cared about me and wanted to be there for me. And that we both knew he could have called me to cancel if he was sick. And it didn’t seem like from his actions he wanted to be the man in my life and there for me when times were good and bad. I know it was a long letter which is tough for men and him with the language barrier.

He responded with a brief, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” I thought after New Years I’d hear something but nothing.; January 6, 2013 at 6:07 AM
Peter said...: Thank you ladies for your messages of luck, I will be trying anything I can in an effort not to let this lady go.

Anonymous I will try to answer as honestly as possible from my experience.

Its good that you have that rule about work and my suggestion would be that you keep that rule but I will give you some advice for you to consider given his interest level.

First is he showing his interest in work or via means out of work? Texts, emails and phone calls etc. If he is pursuing you while at work this is a red flag for me. It shows lack of consideration for you. He should be considering what the implications would be too and attempting to make his interest known by means outside of work. If he is professional in work but pursuing you outside of that environment it’s a good sign he considers your feelings and wants to do it right.

It’s good that you feel uneasy about his multiple marriage failures as that can tell you a few things. From my experience of knowing a couple of guys like that, they had some key areas that are the same in each case.

1) choosing the wrong woman consistently or the wrong reasons for pursuing her and marrying her.
2) compensating for the first failed marriage.
3) valuing being married but unable to keep the connection going long term leading to the partners feeling unloved in some way. They can’t form the long term bonds or maintain them after marriage.

Take some time and consider the above, ask yourself if you see a quality future with this man? If yes, then I suggest a date. On this date you outline very firmly your feelings. You tell him you want to move things on. You also set some boundary lines that he must accept. He must not bring the relationship to work in anyway and you move it along at your pace. If he is serious he will accept and he’ll show it his actions. The key is be slow and steady, as this will normally settle the issues of why his marriage failed. Things come out in time.

As for your question regarding the advice in the post. You are doing two things when you act this way. First setting boundary lines that he must respect in order to have you and your time. Second setting sign posts for him to think about, if he is on the ball with it he will pick up on the right way to pursue you. It will make him think and consider his actions towards you. You also become high value in the right mans eyes.

The wrong men will give up. The genuine ones won’t. So you get the right guys and the dates you want.; January 6, 2013 at 8:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoChick,
Perfect. You gave him EXACTLY what he asked from you and he can't deny that. So now, he is FORCED to think about what he REALLY WANTS.

And there's the magic :-)

For the first time, he's forced to see you through different eyes, he's forced to see your strength, he's forced to THINK about you and about what he really wants.

He asked for this, he wanted to be friends. And you're doing all that a friend is required to do and you're abiding by his request.

If he doesn't like it, then he needs to rethink whether friendship is/was truly what he really wanted here. He now is required to go back to square one - and man up.

And all this whining he's doing - it's him attempting to manipulate you, honey. He's attempting to make you feel guilty, so don't fall for that. He's attempting to make things easy for himself is all.

This is working and he is finally thinking, which is perfect.

Now let's see if he's man enough do the right thing and man up here - and treat you right instead of taking you for granted :-); January 6, 2013 at 8:50 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for sharing your story Peter.

If you feel this lady has some sort of attraction towards you, then that's a green light to keep going. Some women like to take their time depending where they are in life....as they know patience can be a good thing in love to see if the guy is really interested or depends where their mind is at.

So I say, keep going! I'm sure she's flattered too. You have nothing to lose and I think you like her so much there is no way you can even give up now anyway :-) I hope you two make it.

Cheers for the insights in what your friends say.; January 6, 2013 at 8:51 AM
Anonymous said...: Peter's comments ring true.

I tell you why.

I had a guy slowing chasing me...and the only reason I wasn't sure was purely because of the height and age gap.

Anyway, he kept chasing...and then I started to think....oh, does he really like me? I don't want to hurt his feelings. What should I do.

Then at the end of the first week, after I'm enjoying all the attention and affection from him every day for one week (but turned down one of his dates), he comes out and says I am not The One and he always knew that as I need a man who is XYZ and that's not him (he was spot on and correct) but given we are both single we could have an 'in-between' relationship (known as f*** buddies if we let it get that far, or just kisses and cuddles whilst we are both in search of the One so we're not lonely). I agreed with him on the phone that I didn't think he was the One either, because I'd been thinking that from day one, but then he started to grow on me a bit.

Anyway, the point is....is I could have given in sooner and started to really romanticise about the guy. But luckily he was upfront with me.

Both he and I are looking for the One, hence why he doesn't wanna waste his time (typical Aries going for what they want and not wasting time)

So, if they are not trying for long, like Peter, they ain't interested in you as the One, just for sex or/and companionship!

The guy isn't a bad guy, and hey I maybe will see him a few times for kisses, but the point is....if they ain't trying for long, they don't see you as the One or girlfriend potential.

They need to be pursuing you for a few weeks, in my book.

Good luck ladies sorting the wheat from the chaff.; January 6, 2013 at 8:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Dal,
Well that's just terrible and I'm truly sorry to hear that you went through this.

I'm Italian and I know how Italian men can be. In their families, they are the MOON, SUN and STARS. They're treated like kings, particularly by their mothers and the women around them. So culturally, I think that's where his ignorance stemmed from. He's used to women supporting him, not the other way around. And he felt his ulcer took precedence over your horrific experience, unfortunately.

So you're dealing with some ego here and it's compounded by the fact that he's a chef. And those guys are usually passionate, artistic types that can be hard to deal with.

He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship. Ok, fine. So what you do now is, you test this. You take what he's asking for and you "stick it" to him like glue. If he doesn't want a relationship, then that's what he gets - no relationship with you.

It's time to initiate "no contact" honey. Now realize, this usually takes a month or two to work - but it also makes a man think about you and miss you and come to his senses by not seeing you, hearing from you, having you respond to him, etc.

If he doesn't want anything here, then that's what you give him - nothing.

And once he gets what's he's asked for, if he's genuinely interested, he'll reconsider.

If he isn't, then he'll go on about his business of being a self-centered, arrogant idiot.

To grasp the concept entirely, read this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And to understand what I mean about taking what he's asking for and "sticking it" to him - making him live with the consequences of his decision, read this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; January 6, 2013 at 9:02 AM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

Thank you so much for your response. I have been in agony from this ordeal. I have not contacted him since he said, "He's not ready for a relationship." It's odd though because before the incident he behaved as though he's happiest in a relationship. He seemed honest devoted and attentive. And I considered our situation a relationship. But as your article said, I had to say "No" to his behavior or I wouldn't respect myself. And he would have done the same again. It's also literally self preservation as we all need someone from time to time.

It's hard though when you stand up for yourself and everything stops. I had been good and generally always let him initiate conversation. And he would call every day and get nervous not hearing from me.

Your site has been very helpful. I'll just go on with my life and if he was sincere with his previous "I love you" then he'll get it together and work hard to fix what he sabotaged.

But do you really think that men suffer the same from a breakup or separation as women? Do you think they have that same intense desperation or longing or do they just focus on work more and let things go more easily?

Thank you again!
Dal; January 6, 2013 at 10:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Really great article. Very insightful! Learnt a few new things that I'd like to further research as well.. I wonder if this advice will work in a relationship that's over 4years. We have been together this length of time and still seem to have these issues, he loves his space and his friends, (but when he pulls away it should be fine with me) and Im looking for commitment, he's never proposed and when i pull away he comes at my place, calls my mom phone etc. Never physically abusive though.; January 6, 2013 at 1:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Dal,
Honey, I'll be honest with you - I think men suffer worse than women from a breakup or rejection. And I believe part of their suffering stems from their ego. And I think women bounce back better - because they've been dealing with crap like that from men since they were 15. And men, they usually don't start to experience the short end of the stick with women until later in life. In their youth, they're generally over-sexed, LOL. But later in life, that isn't necessarily always the case because as you get older, your social circles dwindle as do your sexual opportunities. I mean, when we're in our 20's, sexual opportunities are everywhere. When you're in your 40's, they're not a readily available.

But you see, the real difference is the time. The time it takes a man versus a woman to miss someone. I've read studies that show that men generally don't start the "missing" process for anywhere from 1 to 4 months. Why? Because the way they deal with their emotions - is to distract themselves - so they don't have to deal with them.

But eventually, those emotions creep up on them. I mean, you can only run so far. And the reason it seems to many women that men come back right about the time that the woman is over them - is because there's truth to that. And it has to do with the time it takes a man to process his emotions.

See, you're beginning to process right now, as we speak. And you'll spend the next four weeks or more doing so. But him? He's distracted with his ulcer, LOL. And once he gets that under control, there's a good chance he'll distract himself by diving into his work.

So a month or two from now, you'll have moved through all those emotions and feelings. But him? He'll suddenly find that all the stuff he's been distracted by - isn't working anymore. And THAT'S when HE'LL begin to process HIS emotions. A month or two from now.

And then, just about the time you're over him - he'll ring your phone, LOL.

I'd sit tight, sweetie. There was too much here for him to walk away from. So let him be his arrogant self-centered self right now. Go on with living your life.

He'll be back.

But don't contact him - at all. Make him live with his decision. By doing that, you're going to actually help speed the process of him "missing" you up. By not hearing from you periodically or being reassured that you're still interested - he'll start to wonder. He'll wonder why he hasn't heard from you, why you're not calling and begging an pleading. And he'll start to think - ABOUT YOU - all the time.

Which is perfect, that's what you want.

So sit back and let this entire process take place as it should. And I think you're going to see, he'll be back.

And when he returns, don't jump on that call or text. Hang back and act indifferent. Let him really prove himself to you here and let him really miss you to the point that it drives him mad.

And that's when he'll appreciate you, feel like a louse for what he did to you - and come crawling back :-); January 6, 2013 at 2:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Howdee Aphrodite,

'And when he returns, don't jump on that call or text. Hang back and act indifferent. Let him really prove himself to you here and let him really miss you to the point that it drives him mad. And that's when he'll appreciate you, feel like a louse for what he did to you - and come crawling back'

I would truly truly love to know what percentage of men that dump you come back between 1-4 months once they've digested it emotionally and regretted it I really would. I wish it was a high percentage! - any idea? I expect it is about 20% so low odds??; January 6, 2013 at 4:45 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA from Bronzed When you dont contact men that you were going on a few dates with and they disappear and they come back for whatever reason. How do you keep them there? You eventually will get back in contact with him and he may or may not disappear. Is it a never ending cycle? Is there ever a point where you catch him so to speak. How should you feel when a guy disappears and comes back? Does he deserve a relationship or since he didnt have time for the woman,should he be given a taste of his own medicine? Part of me feels like I was an option then and now your coming back hoping for me to make you my priority. What do you think?; January 6, 2013 at 5:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Your information is invaluable and perfectly delivered! I think women have a hard time not doing anything because they always want to jump in and fix something. But having your instructions feels like you're doing something although you're consciously not doing anything. I'm so glad I found your site as it's helping me to heal from all this.

I can't thank you enough for sharing your wisdom.
All the best!
Dal; January 6, 2013 at 5:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Ms. Mirror, Gemini 50 here.

As follow-up to your Jan 1 response to the "Jerk," you were 100% on target.

I got together with his sister today (it was her party) and told her what had happened, and the "awakening" I had.

She said the SAME EXACT THINGS YOU DID about her brother as "fact." His skills are from two (2, yes 2) women in his life, that he used and walked over. She said he probably couldn't get it up if he tried because of his alcoholism... and now he's living with the mother and sister of his last (#2) girlfriend, who passed away in 2012. OMG what a loser!

I would like to ask a question of you if I may: I need advice how best to respond to Scorpio in a carefree manner if he should contact me again.

Here's history:
In early Nov, I wanted to see what Scorpio is thinking of our relationship, and try to do it in a non-threatening manner. While we are snuggling asleep, I asked, "What if I start to fall for you?"

Scorpio quickly responds, "Don't. Work is number one for me and if I get the chance to transfer, I am going. Let's just have fun."

I consider this, I don't get upset, and I just say, "ok," (because I've felt the same way before, so I get it. This is one thing I have always appreciated about Scorpio, he seems to always have been straightforward with me, and I with him, and I have not found him in a lie yet to question his honesty.)

Anyway, I go about my business, don't contact him until 3-weeks later. I text him after I found something of his at the house, and he wants to come over (another booty call.)

I know where I stand, and I say yes.

When we are snuggling asleep this time, he says, "Love ya."

I ignore it, thinking it was a slip of emotion.

He waits a minute, and says it again, "Love ya," this time more clearly.

Of course I am thinking about his last visit when he said not to fall for him, so I say, "Sweety, you aren't going to remember you said that tomorrow."

He says, "Oh yeah? Love ya, love ya, love ya, love ya."

This time, I turn to him, stroke his hair and say, "Love ya too, now get some rest."

This was Tues night before Thanksgiving and he had already told me he had plans with friends who are his family (and no, he did not invite me to join him -- has never invited me to join in with his friends.)

So, the day after Thanksgiving, I text him at work (which is on my way home) before my leaving work, "heading home, you need anything?"

His response, "No, I'm good."

I respond, "K xx" and get nothing back.

Then the next morning (Saturday), I am really missing him and I text him, "I want to feel your arms around me sleeping xx"

I get nothing back. And I don't text him again.

(I know, doesn't this sound like a f'n train wreck??)

Two and a half weeks later, my kitchen sink clogs, and I freak out. I text him for help. I say, "I don't know if this is within what we have going, but (I explain the problem) can you help?"

He tells me is working side job and what to buy to fix it, ending it with "k xo."

I am disappointed because I was hoping he would come over to help me, but I get that people are busy. So, I just response w/"thx."

I try his idea, it doesn't work, and end up finally getting a plumber in on Wednesday, who fixes clog $300 later. (I am happy with the price btw)

Cont...; January 6, 2013 at 6:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Gemini 50 cont... (sorry this is so long)

That same Wednesday nite Scorpio texts that he just got out of work and and asks if I am up for a drink.

I respond, "I am mad at you."

He responds w/a question mark.

So, I respond, "Two reasons. You told me not to fall for you, then the next time we are together you say several love you's as we fall asleep, then you DISAPPEAR again.

And I contacted you about sink clog because I was f'n freaking out. You told me what to buy, and you didn't check up on me to see if everything ok.

I don't deserve that."

My intention was to stop allowing him to treat me like an option -- and to give him a chance to man-up.

I got nothing back, and haven't heard from him since.

So, if he does eventually think about this and decide he wants to change his behavior, and texts me with a “hey, what’s up”, what is your suggestion for my response?

I f'd up after a month of us first dating by calling it off with him because of 8-yr Virgo coming back into my life. I was honest with Scorpio when it happened, and I sincerely apologized to him after we got back together in July. (I have to say, since then, though, I have felt he has been holding himself back emotionally. But I have taken it, and knew it would only be by my actions that he could learn whether he could trust me to not do that to him again.

I do love Scorpio (but my gf's say I love everyone), and I really like him too. He has always appeared to be honest with me, I have never heard him complain about anything, and he's the first man in a long time I've been with that doesn't blame someone else for something bad in their life, etc. I respect him for that.

He is a hard worker, has shared some of his mistakes in his life, but not in a blaming or "poor me" way. Just acknowledges them, and intends to move on. (very refreshing).

We always laugh and I feel loved and wanted when we are together.

He has always accepted me for who I am, and he just lets me be me without trying to change me.

So, I want to give him another chance if he takes that step.

What is your suggested response to keep the text light and open and non-judgemental? Of course, this is IF he contacts me, and I will stick to the 3-day rule for a response.

I want to give him the chance, but I also don’t want to fall back into him having everything his way.

thx much and hugs!; January 6, 2013 at 6:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan. 6, 4:45PM,
Well, I don't have any stats, I can research that. But I did my own little test here, using my stats, LOL. So let's take a look:

13 Men

3 Dumped me
8 I dumped
2 Cheated

Out of the men who dumped me:

2 Came back and we took up again
1 Didn't come back as a relationship but we're good friends (we don't hang out, but we're civil, friendly and catch up when we bump into each other.)

Out of the men I've dumped:

6 came back

Out of those 6 that came back:

3 came back and we picked up again
2 came back and I rejected their advances
1 hasn't come back - YET, LOL (it's only been 6 weeks)
1 comes back to "test" the waters and we're still doing that little dance
1 was gone, never to be seen again (but I think an embarrassment is what kept him away.)

And out of the 2 men who cheated on me:

2 came back wanting another chance

So out of 13 men total (now I'm only counting the significant ones here, LOL):

Five of them, we picked up again

Four I rejected

One came back as a friend

Two I consider to be "still in play"

One was gone, never to be seen or heard from again

Not bad odds at all, ladies, LOL. The good news? According to my little stats here, only a tiny fraction of men disappear, never to be heard from again:

92% Come back in one form or another
8% Don't

Out of 13 men, there was only 1 that disappeared for good. I always say THEY ALL COME BACK, LOL. And it appears that most do.

This is a good exercise for yourselves, ladies.

Why not perform your own figures?

Come back and post them here and we'll do our own research :-)

To keep it simple, we can just collect the numbers for:

The one's who return (you hear from again)
The one's that never return (you never hear from them again)

And that way, all you ladies will get to see the reality here. And that reality is:

Just about all of them come back ;-); January 6, 2013 at 7:56 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bronzed,
You don't "catch" men, honey - THEY are supposed to catch YOU :-)

"How do you keep them there?"

You don't. They have to WANT to be there.

"Is it a never ending cycle?"

If it is, then you're being used.

"How should you feel when a guy disappears and comes back?"

It's normal for a man to disappear. It's to be expected. According to Dr. John Gray, the author of "Men Are From Mars" this is how a man's natural intimacy cycle is. He submerges himself in you, then comes up for air. Then submerges himself in you, then comes up for air. But this shouldn't become the tone of the relationship. It's just the little "dance" so-to-speak at the beginning of one, in the early stages.

"Does he deserve a relationship or since he didnt have time for the woman,should he be given a taste of his own medicine?"

You give him a taste of his own medicine. You make him live with the consequences for a while to learn a lesson (not to take you for granted). At which time, after REPEATED attempts on his part (he has to prove he's serious and not just a chump, hence you make him make repeated attempts before responding), you can crack open the door again.

"Part of me feels like I was an option then and now your coming back hoping for me to make you my priority. What do you think?"

That's why when they come back, you don't jump on that phone call and make yourself readily available to them. The one's that PROVE themselves to you, prove they're genuinely interested through repeated attempts, get your attention. The others that are only half interested and/or are looking for sex get ignored (because you don't answer right away and they stop trying).; January 6, 2013 at 8:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Amazing!

Let me tally mine up tomorrow and submit my stat!!

How about adding one more line:

The one's who return (you hear from again)
The one's that never return (you never hear from them again)"
The one's who return (just to be friends?)

Then again, I guess it's how a girl plays it when they come back, it could be to test the water, or be your lover again, and only a guy decides once he is back in some cases.

Ugh. Some guys are dusch bags. LOL; January 6, 2013 at 8:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Well, I think where things should have been done differently is - you shared too much emotion with him. And I don't mean lovey dovey emotion, I mean anger and frustation.

He deserved it, don't get me wrong. But he shouldn't have HEARD it, with WORDS. He should've FELT it, with ACTION.

And by that I mean, instead of respond and telling him you were mad and explaining why (which, BTW, you don't have to do, men know when they've screwed up) - you should've ignored the call. Period.

When a man treats you poorly, they don't get your attention. That's how you flip the script in a language they compute. Because had you done that, here's what would've happened:

"Hey, want to meet?"

No response.

"Would you like to meet up?"

No response.

"Hey, are you made at me?"

No response.

"I guess you don't want to speak to me. Okay, bye."

No response.

"I don't know why you're doing this to me."

No response.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I know I should've come over there to help you. Can we talk?"

And THAT'S when you respond. Once they've gone through all of the emotions and necessary thought process that FORCES them to admit their mistake and apologize for it.

So when he returns, that's what you do. You force him to prove himself here and apologize to you by making yourself unavailable to him long enough for him to think about it and realize it.

And realize, that process of communication I listed above - that could be over the course of an entire month to get to that point.

But if you want the real deal and not a fling, that's what you do. You set boundaries without saying a word ;-); January 6, 2013 at 8:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Go Mirror, that post at January 6, 2013 8:19 PM blew my mind, you're a genius at this work you do! And you're also an engaging story teller!; January 6, 2013 at 8:24 PM
Anonymous said...: I can vouch for MOA's theory that all men come back, because they do...or have for me as well! LOL

Out of all the men...I can only remember one not coming back (and that's why I remember him so well LOL), and this is out of more than 20+ men I've dated. Whether it be one date, a FWB, casual dating, serious dating, hell...even fling friendships (men you exchange numbers with..for it to only turn into a casual friendship). Even they come back after losing touch!

However, the messed up thing about it for me is...they always come back when you don't care anymore or have moved on. You would LOVE for them to come back right away so you can give them a piece of your mind and put them in their place (the ones that did you wrong), but by the time they do, you just don't give a shit to do that anymore LOL.

I've had a few times where out of the wood works, various men who I hadn't heard from in ages (and dated in different time frames) would hit me up in the same day or week. It was kinda of freaky actually, and weird. I always felt like the universe was trying to tell me something, but could never figure out what it was :/

So yes, I concur with MOA :) Men ALWAYS come back! May not be for the reasons you want, but they do come back nonetheless...; January 7, 2013 at 2:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Mirror for your brilliant technique of casually bringing up a question and acting as if the truth wouldn't phase you to test if the guy's liar or not. I LOVE IT! Ah, sometimes I wish I had your brain so all these fun ways of testing would come naturally to me. ;)

You said, "someday she'll find out he's shady. It may be months from now or even a year or two from now, but someday, his true face will be revealed to her."

That's what I'm thinking too. So glad I'm not her! I still think of him, but 40+ days of NC so far has created enough psychological distance between me and Libra guy, so now I kind of watch them like it's reality TV and wondering when it'll all go down, LOL.

I noticed that one of her December Facebook statuses (a picture of this meal they cooked together) no longer had Libra guy tagged in it(so it would no longer show up on his Facebook profile).

I checked who liked the status, and noticed - libra guy's MOTHER actually liked it recently. She hadn't before. (Yes, I'm a little ridiculous when it comes to googling everything I can find about a guy.)

I think the untagging had something to do with his mother, because I'm pretty sure he/she untagged him after his mother liked the status.

It doesn't make sense that the girl would untag libra guy, since she tagged him in a lot of other statuses (though his mother didn't fb like the other ones).

Perhaps the status was a bit girly - and he didn't want it showing up on his profile.

Based on the info here - do you think that he untagged himself from her status? If so, this would be highly suspicious/shady regardless of his reason, right?

- Vivian; January 7, 2013 at 4:47 AM
Anonymous said...: This is truly an excellent piece of article. My guy (Aries) just disappeared for two weeks (he went back to Germany while I am in Hong Kong) and didn't call or text. (we were so in love before he left) I didn't call or text either but it was Christmas and New Year, I was so tempted to do that. And all of a sudden, he came back out of the blue...calling me and texting me...Anyways, girls - not to PLAY hard to get...but BE hard to get! Thank you again for all the advice given above...; January 7, 2013 at 4:50 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Ms. Mirror,
I agree whole heartedly that I've shared too much. (This was all before I found your site.)

I really don't think he'll contact me, and if that's the case, I agree with what you say here, 'everything happens for a reason.'

I'm going to take my time, take care of myself and try to live a good, happy life.

All the best to you and everyone on this site.

Gemini 50; January 7, 2013 at 5:07 AM
Alana said...: It could just be my pain talking here...

But my girlfriends and I have always found the "reappearing" phenomenon also - but it never seems to work out the 2nd/3rd time anyways...

So it almost seems like things either work the first time around, or it doesn't :(; January 7, 2013 at 5:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Those are some interesting relationship stats, Mirror. Thanks for sharing with us!

Here are mine:

- 2 dumped me
- 7 I dumped (this doesn't add up to 8 because I dumped a guy, and then later he dumped me LOL)

Out of the men who dumped me:
- NONE OF THEM CAME BACK!
- 1 guy dumped me after 7-8 months of long-d.
- 1 guy I dumped him 3-4 months into the relationship, and he later dumped me 7 months into the relationship.

Out of the 7 men I dumped:
- 1 did not come back
- 6 came back

Out of the 6 that came back:
- 1 - He was the one I mentioned above. He came back in about 1 month to try to work things out for another few months before dumping me (he couldn't see himself marrying me)
- 1 - He came back in ~3 weeks. I attempted to stay friends with him for a while.
- 1 - I broke up with him multiple times, but he kept coming back (we've known each other for 12 years so it was hard for both of us to let go). I don't remember how many days it took for him to come back, though. I'm guessing 1-2 weeks.
- 1 - The love of my life came back within a month. I kept letting him come back because I missed him (we were together for 3 years).
- 1 - He came back in 3-4 months. We'd be ok for another month, get into a stupid fight, then I'd NC or he'd NC me for 3-6 months. This pattern has repeated for the past 4 years. We are now NC again, LOL *shakes head*.
- 1 came back in 8 days. This is the libra guy I've been talking about for ages. Although I didn't tell him I was dumping him, I treated my NC with him like a breakup.

So overall, 6 out of 8 men have come back.

Based on past history, if I dump a guy, there is a very very very high chance he will come back.

But if THE GUY ended things, there was likely a very good rational reason that would prevent him from coming back.

I agree with you mirror that most guys do come back, but in my experience - it would be guys I've dumped not the ones who dumped me.

Curious to know if other ladies have had similar experiences! Please share. :)

- Vivian; January 7, 2013 at 5:31 AM
Psyche said...: PART I
I just have to admit that this site had kept me reading and wanting for more. I am an avid lurker. Hehe. Well, enough of the lurking. I, myself, would like to seek advice and be inspired with your words of wisdom, Aphrodite.

Here's my story. I am an Asian female from abroad and my sign is Sagittarius. I met a great Taurus guy almost a couple of years ago from an online dating site. Quirky, articulate, and a gentleman, I should say. He seemed to be the kind of guy that's fun to be with. We started off as good "chat mates", hit it off quite well. He used to initiate the conversation most of the time. He also called me once and 'twas nice to hear his voice for the first time. He would always check on me if I was online then would joke around. I'm into guys who have a good sense of humor and are good conversationalists. I felt so comfortable talking to him but still kept things light so it wouldn't show that I like him. It did feel like he was interested in me too, in a way. Yeah, he would say things in a joking manner but I was told that jokes are half-meant. He would blurt out things like "You would make a good girlfriend, easy to feed..." and "Wow, my kind of girl..." (commenting on what I've described myself to be). I've been hoping since then that he meant those things he said. I don't know. I'm head over heels for this guy.

Then there was a sudden shift on things. He started to joke around about things concerning me. I didn't like the sound of it and I felt kind of insulted. I just tried to forget about it after that. Then the next day while he was logging out from work, I messaged him. Asked how he's doing, how his day was, and things like that. He responded in no time. He said that he was planning to call me again (this should have been the 2nd time we'll talk via voice chat) while he's on the road. I refused. I mentioned that he has to keep his eyes on the road and focus on his driving. I was hoping he gets home first before we talk again.; January 7, 2013 at 7:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivan,
"Do you think that he untagged himself from her status? If so, this would be highly suspicious/shady regardless of his reason, right?"

Yea, that would be odd. It would appear, at least to me anyway, that he may untag that - because he doesn't want some other chic to know they had dinner together, for whatever reason. That would be my thinking there. But I wouldn't read too much into that just yet.

Although as a couple, I don't think these two are going to be riding off into the sunset any time soon, LOL.; January 7, 2013 at 8:39 AM
Psyche said...: PART II
I visited the dating site where we "first met". I looked at his profile. The next thing I know, I was hitting the BLOCK button out of the blue. Yes, I clicked the BLOCK Mr.xxx button, not by mistake. It was actually intentional. I didn't know what I was doing. I guess that that feeling of being insulted the day before dominated the whole situation. Then when he got home, he said he tried messaging me but lo and behold, I got caught. His message won't get through since he found out that he was blocked by me. He confronted me about it and started acting angry. I got scared so I fibbed that I didn't do it (pretty lame, I know). I had to. I don't want him to get mad at me. Too late. Guess 'twas a wrong decision, no? After that, he started getting cold, gave me the silent treatment, and disappeared on me. Poof! Just like that.

To cut the story short, I began pursuing him and tried asking for an apology but he would decline every bit of it, even my friend requests (he blocked me too, for vengeance, I guess). He said there's nothing to be forgiven and that I have to move on. Every now and then, for the last 22 months, I have been doing all the work. Yes. I tried to contact him. No response. If I get lucky (which is rare), the response is rude and plain cold. He would always reiterate that he'd rather not associate with sick people like me (his words, not mine). Yep. I would admit that my behavior was a bit disturbing during those times of deep longing for him. It even got to the point of creating a fake profile in yahoo messenger just so I could add him (Uhuh! Started stalking on him) but I always get caught. I felt that what I've been doing was of no good so I then decided to back off a bit. 2013 came. I found myself messaging him again after a few months. I greeted him a happy new year. I was surprised to receive a reply from him and he wished me a happy one too but with a tinge of sarcasm, adding, I was unbelievably persistent. I then mentioned that it was just a greeting. He responded. With sarcasm, he said "Human behavior is my specialty so you're not fooling me". I was lost for words at that moment. So I simply said, "Oh". (Yeah. That was pretty intimidating). He is a postal inspector, by the way. Divorced with 2 kids.; January 7, 2013 at 8:46 AM
Psyche said...: PART III
A couple of days passed. I still want to hang on, though. You could say that I am persistent at this (not an endearing trait for a girl in this sit'n, no?). I contacted him again and said something like, "Hey. I would like to know, if it's not too much to ask, about my behavior then. He responded. He asked if I view my own behavior as normal and that he finds it fascinating. What the hell? It took me an hour to respond to that. I told him that I admit that my behavior has turned out to be deviant as he described before. Yeah. I wouldn't deny the fact that it's not normal but for him to say that it is fascinating makes me question his motives. What am I? A human guinea pig that he can perform his series of tests on? Puh-leeze! Okay, going back to the story, that conversation about my behavior opened the door for us to "talk" the way we used to. We started joking around again but this time, I sensed something different. He was suggesting that I go see and date other people. He even offered to set me up with his friend. I asked if he's already seeing someone, he said something like, "Me? I'm gay. You have wasted all your time". I just went along with the flow of the conversation. He asked me what is it that I exactly want from him and I answered his question by saying that I like talking to him. That he's the only genuine person from the virtual world. I don't know why I said "genuine". We haven't even met in person. I guess I said that to use reverse psychology on him. Him not being genuine at all due to this disappearing reappearing act, hoping that it would mess his mind a bit? I. DON'T. KNOW. He replied by saying that I don't even know him. That he could be a monster for all I know. I think he said that as defense mechanism, don't you think? Well, we ended the conversation by him ordering me to send him a picture of me. Yep. He didn't ask for it. He ordered me to do so. When I asked why, he jokingly uttered that he would post it as FBI most wanted at work. Then he immediately signed off. I was speechless!

I thought we were back on track. Haven't heard from him but after a day, I tried contacting him again asking if I could add him this time (remember, I was blocked from YM), also mentioning that I'll try to be at my best behavior from now on...blah, blah, blah. Again, no response til now. End of story.

Could you shed some light to this one, Aphrodite? I would appreciate any input. Much thanks! You're totally a great one.

P.S. I actually told this guy that I liked him before he acted distant. I'm assuming this might have triggered his cold treatment on me, right?

-Psyche; January 7, 2013 at 10:31 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror..
thanks so much for your wonderful articles...

I met someone about six weeks ago at a mutual friend's gig...a lot of friends of mine were there and later in the evening I went with friends and the Someone back to their house for drinks and chatting into the wee hours.
I could sort of see he wanted to ask me to stay at his (which was close by)..so I just said that I would come back and sleep for a few hours and then walk home which is exactly what I did. He asked me if he could kiss me and so there was kissing but nothing else.
I woke up and left while he was still asleep and left my business card on his pillow..after three days he text that it was lovely to find and his band was playing on Weds or we could get together on the weekend. I said I would turn up to see the band, which I did, stayed for a while and then left him and bandmates and went home alone.
The following day I got a text to meet him for coffee, near my place this time, (I am an artist and work from home), we had coffee and as I had been telling him what I was working on asked him if he would like to see it which he did. Clearly although he was gentlemanly about it he was expecting sex at mine, so I got him to leave, we were possible going to catch up on the Sunday but he had to work out of town for so he text he would be back on Wednesday and that all sounded great.

I sent him a Merry Christmas text on Christmas day which he took a couple of hours to answer.
He had also said that he was working on NYE and he would love to see me..a friend and I went to the bar and see the bands where he was working..this is not as bad as it sounds as we knew a lot of people and musicians there..after that, he asked me to wait while he finished work and we then went to a party...we all watched the sun rise..it was all good...by this time as I was at the party and ...and quite a few guys were making moves on me which he did nothing about. He seems to be very friendly with a lot of people.
Sorry this is so long...anyway, we have had various long conversations, life, the universe etc, I have not really talked about past relationships but he wanted to tell me he has had long term relationships..he is a long term guy..only the last year or so single.
After the party he came back to my place and we sat and he started fishing around..had I come to the bar just to see him? Why had I let him come back to my place? etc. I was very casual and told him, "well obviously, I like you"..said in only a friendly way. He made some comment about keeping me waiting around at the bar and the party and then muttered something to the effect that he had stalked me..(meaning a setup?) He stayed over and there was some fooling around but not full S** ..the next day he hung around until I eventually said I had to got to my friends place and pick up my car...he then offered to make me coffee at his on the way (which it was) and we had a lovely beach walk, talking, back to his, no pressure, and had the coffee and he asked if we could have an alcohol free evening together soon, was obviously sorry to see me leave..
And then I did not hear from him!! I waited five days..and then text him casually..he did not answer for three hours...and then what was I doing now, he had to meet some friends later. I text i was out to lunch, and lets make it another day then, he text cu soon.
I don't even know if I want to hear from him. He apologised before when I ignored him but I think staying over etc etc and then not saying anything for five days is really rude. Especially by his own confession he had planned on what happened.
Am I being too harsh?
Sorry this is so long!! I have been off dating for ages, lost a boyfriend a few years ago to a motorbike accident which made me very insular.

Do you think he is just a hopeless flake?; January 7, 2013 at 10:38 AM
Anonymous said...: @Vivian

DID you initiate contact with the guys who dumped you? (the ones who never came back) I figure that might also have something to do with it.

@Mirror

From @Helen

Here is my experience of the main guys:

I DUMPED:
3 - One came back as a lover, the rest just wanted to stay in touch

I WAS DUMPED
3 - None came back as a lover, all just to stay in touch

Aries - dumped him, I kept in contact first I think and changed my mind wanting him back but by then he'd already found someone else. I didn't actually really want him back. He is now married to her, so that's fine. Didn't really want him back, few things I didn't like about him, I just wanted him back as I as lonely.
Pisces - dumped him three times, he came back every time trying to win me over again and wanting to marry me. Only way he got over me was he went into No Contact and wouldn't see me.
Taurus - I ended it and he never came back (But I initiated contact and we had a few chats. He was way too short for me anyway so I never took him seriously even though he was a great man)

DUMPED BY:
Aries - He ended it, I initiated contact, friends for a bit kinda, then I stopped contact, he came back but only more as a person who cared rather than wanting a reconciliation
Gemini - He ended it and didn't want to try again, but rather than me walking off and making him live with his decision, he initiated contact each and every day and I responded and kinda begging him not to go rather than giving him space (makes me vomit now I see how bad that was in reverse psychology terms) He was my ex fiance.

So my experience is, all the ones that have dumped me, did not come back as boyfriends (but I maybe blew it as I always used to keep in contact - I think that's perhaps where I went wrong I'm not seeing)

the guy I dumped, yes, he came running back many times.

Perhaps it's their egos and the chase.

Seems if a girl gets dumped there is less chance of a reconciliation, UNLESS you fall off the side of the earth. hmmmm.

Seems the best thing to do ladies, is to FALL OFF THE SIDE OF THE EARTH to avoid getting dumped in the first place if the guy is pulling away. OR FALL OFF THE SIDE OF THE EARTH IF THEY DUMP YOU.; January 7, 2013 at 11:17 AM
Anonymous said...: True story.

Woman dumps man (Taurus male).

Clever Taurus male falls off the side of the earth. He does not speak to, answer texts/calls/letters/emails/the door to the woman who dumped him. He did this for one to two months.

She kept trying to win him back, regretting her decision.

THEY ARE NOW MARRIED.

Yes, the Taurus male taught her HOW NOT TO TREAT HIM. She learnt, and then he managed to still win her over and marry her.

Beautiful story.

Lesson there for us all ladies.; January 7, 2013 at 11:18 AM
Anonymous said...: Interesting MOA:
Heres my stats:
Im 20
3 Boyfriends= Caught 2 cheating
2-dumped me
1- I dumped (that accused me of cheating when he was)
All 3 came back hard for a relationship after dumping me.
1 I gave a second chance to- We went out once in hs he dumped me, I ignored him, a year and a half later he comes back hard. He cheated the whole relationship (got in a relationship with his co worker). He tried to dump me again (I didnt know he was cheating, he blamed me for cheating ironically). So I left him and later found out he was the one cheating. Months later he has tried to contact me but ive never responded.

Point is almost all of them seem to come back (even the ones ive gone on dates with)when you ignore them and basically dont want them. Its weird but true. The guys I want, dont want me after a while and then I move on and they come back. Story of my life lol; January 7, 2013 at 11:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan.7, 10:38AM,
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but he was seeking sex, sweetie.

I know, he seemed so interested, seemed like a gentleman, etc. But his ACTIONS speak volumes here. And this is why it's important that women not become sexually involved with men early on.

I'm not saying you did, I'm actually using your story as an example to other women reading this - of how your behavior actually kept him from using you.

Because guys will put in a good effort on the first one to three dates usually. And that effort is usually - to get laid.

A player will fight the good fight for about 3 or possibly 4 dates (they usually don't make it that far though, LOL) to see if they can get you to sleep with them. If it doesn't happen by the 3rd date, there usually isn't a 4th date.

So what happened here is he was working his magic in a good attempt to see if you'd sleep with him, with relatively little effort. Once he realized that wasn't going to happen, he's decided to move on.

Which, for you, is fantastic. It's also fantastic that you didn't sleep with him. Because had you done so, he'd have used you first - and THEN disappeared on you.

This way, you protected yourself from being used - and he moved on, empty handed.

So you, sweetie, just sniffed yourself out a player (in a band, LOL ;-); January 7, 2013 at 5:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Well ladies, it appears the reality of "no contact" is that it does, indeed, have merit. As a matter of fact, it appears that "no contact" is the way to "contact" a man, LOL.

Look at some of the stats women are posting here. Seeing a common theme?

THEY COME BACK.

Now, it appears that they don't come back as often when they dump you. However, Helen brings up a good point here.

Are the ones that have dumped you not coming back because YOU PURSUED THEM AFTER THE DUMP? Contacted them and stayed in touch after the dump?

Because if that's the case, it would cause them to pull away further. However, when you use "no contact" in those situations, that may bring them back to your door.

It's insightful to ponder. So for any ladies that are going to leave future stats, you may want to include whether or not you were still attempting to communicate with the one's who didn't come back. (I never attempted communication with mine.)

In any event ladies, what we're seeing here is that - in one form or another - they come back.

So for any of you gals out there wondering right now, "Is he going to come back?" I think that answer would most likely be a big, fat, resounding YES, LOL. And that should ease the mind of any woman suffering a breakup or a disappearing man right now.

Just sit tight, don't say a peep - and by DOING NOTHING - you're actually doing something - which is drawing him right back to you.

And if you want to be sure of his return, almost guarantee it in a way, simply initiate "no contact" immediately as it seems to have some dizzying effect on these odd creatures we call men ;-); January 7, 2013 at 5:24 PM

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