Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

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UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

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Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
am so encouraged by your advice.i didnt need anything more than it.i love it why lie.am in this situation with a guy who divorced some 2 years ago with 2 kids.the ex wife played him big time so they separated.we met online and it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.but the worst thing i slept with him after a month.he has been a good person to me.he has taken me on trips and places have never been before.he takes his time to be with me and has treated me nicely.the problem started 2 weeks ago we spend a weekend together and in the morning he told me that his ex wife was bothering him,i said sorry but was in a lot of thought which he noticed and told me that he wasnt worried about his wife but me coz i seem to be away in thought while am with him.i explained to him that yes i was thinking of what will happen with our future if the wife is in the picture.he told me that i am the woman with qualities he has been looking for but he is not sure if am committed fully to him so he is confused but i kept quiet.he rarely says he loves me but when i asked him why he said he doesnt say the words love and sorry easily so if he has ever told me he loves me then he does.after taking me home.he went quiet the whole day and i smsed him at night to know how he has been,he told me he was okay but worried why i dint want to commit fully to him but am sure i love him and i want to be with him but he doesnt believe me.the whole week he was silent but i could sms and he responds but not him first as he was used to.come the weekend,i asked him his plans coz am used to going out with him on weekends,he told me he would rather talk to me on phone or chat rather than us been together and my mind is far away.i felt hurt and he didnt seem to care.after few days i told him that i loved him very much and he was worth fighting for but i will give him enough time and space for him to figure out if i was worthy fighting for.he has not responded and havent talked to him for 2 days now.what do you think i should do? do i wait or move on? am a single mother of one 34 yrs old.he is 36 with 2 kids.please help me with your advice.thanks; November 14, 2012 at 4:31 AM
elpee said...: i was with a man for 6 years after his woman throw him out he came to live with me. Things were going good then in June 2012 he began to sleep out every weekend, when asked where he sleeps he said by his mother or friend. About 2 months ago I asked his mother and friend if he sleep by them and they said know. The friend in turn revealed to me that he has gone back by the same ex that he allegedly broke up with. When I questioned him about it he said he only went back for his 2 kids sake but he is not intimately involved with her anymore. he also went on to say that every time he sleep there he sleep in the chair. He keep saying he still love me and wants to be with me. i told as long as he live with that woman I refuse to be with him. He said he he going to bring back the clothes he took there and work things out with me. It's been over a month and nothing has returned he is now sleeping out SIX DAYS instead of just weekends and continue to lie and say he is not with her and he wants to be with me. How can he want to be with me and the weeknds have turned into SIX DAYS. He come by me once a week and he doesnt help me with my bills for over 4 months. Everytime he gets paid it is an excuse why he cannot give me any money and it is always an excuse why he sleep out. I am so fedup that I pack his things and told him I will get the police to get him out of my place but he still has not come for them and the relationship has not gotten any better. Please advise me what to do.; November 14, 2012 at 7:06 AM
Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 13 11:32PM,
Well, here's the thing. Men view time differently than women. And when they get busy or over run with things, they're not always the best at thinking of others LOL. Trouble is, when that happens, instead of remaining calm, cool, collected and flexible - women tend to freak out and react in an emotional manner. And when they do that, sometimes they can blow it. Because what was a simple issue of needing some space and time to handle personal things, suddenly becomes a much bigger issue by the reaction.

There's an old saying, "You can't control how people treat you, but you can control your reaction to their treatment." And when a woman reacts in an overly emotional manner, the man tends to withdraw.

I know it's rude for someone not to call after an evening together, however, you can't control that. You can only control yourself and your reaction to that. What I would've done is, I never would've contacted him. I would've gone on about my life. And when he did contact me, if it was 4 days later, I'd have waited 4 days to return the call. If it was two weeks later, I'd have waited a week or two to get back to him. Instead of reacting emotionally, I would've mirrored his behavior. That's something men understand. You don't speak with your words to them, you speak with your actions - that's the language they hear.

And if you handle it that way, and remain collected and never mention that you were upset, they'll KNOW you were upset because you didn't jump when they called. So you don't have to say a word and you don't risk pushing them away or destroy any chances of something lifting off the ground in the future.

But here's the deal, don't beat yourself up over this. He's just a guy - there's a lot of them out there and this isn't the end of the world. Don't call/text him anymore. See if he comes to you in a couple of weeks after things calm down. If he doesn't hear from you, he'll become curious and may come seek you out. Either way, you can't flip flop on this with him right now or you'll run the risk of appearing emotionally unbalanced to him, so don't do that. You sent him away because he was rude, so stick to that and see if he feels bad about ignoring you and comes around to make it right. After a week or two of not hearing from you after that, he will think about what he did. So let that happen and see if he wants to make it right.

But say nothing more. No more calls, no more texts. And if he does contact you, you don't return that call or text for 3 days. You stand your ground here, you let him know that you won't stand for that kind of treatment - and you give him plenty of time and space to think on that.; November 14, 2012 at 9:35 AM
Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 14 12:56AM,
Well we need to address something within yourself here before we get to him. You said, "See I believe if you like, or feeling someone, than you are not going to go a whole damn day without touching bases with your friend!"

Not true. Not true at all, especially with men. Men LIKE to miss someone. Men LIKE space. Men LIKE to long for someone. Men equate longing with love. They want to put space and time between you so that they can experience these feelings and form an emotional bond with a woman - miss her - and actually experience FEELINGS for her.

When you see someone or talk to someone every day, you don't miss them. You don't long for them. You don't really experience those feelings. And in fact, with men, it's the kiss of death. Because with men, when a woman is constantly available to them, constantly talking to them or constantly seeing them - it's REAL easy for them to take her for granted. And 90% of the time, the relationships that start off quickly like that, talking everyday, all the time seeing each other - they end just as quickly. All the fun, the challenge, it's gone quick and they lose interest.

But it's clear he's unsure. His behavior is indicating that. He's not unsure whether he likes you or not, I'm sure he does. But he IS unsure about whether or not he wants a relationship with you or not. That's two different things.

So you sit tight and you let him prove to you that he likes you - let him come to you. If he doesn't, you have your answer. If he does, you take it slow and remain calm, cool and collected. Baby steps and no expectations.; November 14, 2012 at 10:39 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi, this one is different. Was with him when I was 14. Nearly three decades later we hook up on a social networking site. Three years down the line. I never made any promises and he keeps on doing the ignoring situation. Different countries are involved, we meet up when I travel home, sometimes I think it's to do with his life at home and he can't 'multitask' and talk to me, other times I feel like he is pushing my buttons to make a move.........I can't and won't and never promised to. Last time I saw him (a couple of months ago), he 'casually'asked me if I was going to give up my life in my new country and be with him, I kept it straight and light hearted. He keeps on leaving home when it gets 'prickly' and I told him this was the route to disaster and that ....cannot think of the phrase, becoming to easy to walk away from things. Anyway, a month after we met, he walked out again and was away for a month. Then about three weeks ago, he says he's going to give it another go at 'home' ..you get my meaning, no lectures. Not a word since. Says to me .... listen to Etta James, at Last. This bloke is seriously confused and though I trust how he feels, I also feel that he wants me to make a move.....I won't. I have made it quite clear where I'm at, yet I feel he is frustrated. He was the one who called me his unfinished business.......I was never 'with' him as a teenager and yet now I get the feeling he has fallen....early on he said it was me, true, my head was turned......but now, I think this bloke is completely ...I don't know where he's really at...is like a Mexican stand off, I will not make the first move again........this drives him nuts and he sends out random status's.... I read him well...haven't got a clue how this is going to pan out?; November 15, 2012 at 3:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,
Last time I wrote to you on here, I was at the end of all solutions with my guy of interest. Reading your responses and having to face up to the cold truth was hard to intake and deal with. But I know I had to deal with it. I decided to leave with little to no explanation and we both stopped communicating with each other via email. About a week into not speaking to each other, he started to send me messages again asking me what I was up to or what I was doing. -_- Of course I didn't respond back to him. I know I couldn't ... I shouldn't ... and I wouldn't.

About two weeks ago it was one of my girl friend's birthday so she invited a few friends and I over to her place for a little pre-drinking and then we were to finish the night off by going downtown around midnight. Its been awhile since I've gone out so surely I was excited. Excited to get dolled up with the ladies, to go out and have an enjoyable time. However little did I know that HE was going to be there. -_________- When I got to her place, the minute I walked through the doors, there HE WAS sitting and drinking with the guys at the kitchen table. (May I inform you that my town is fairly small, therefore him and I know a bunch of the same ppl; The birthday girl was one of them) Whatever the case, I was still shocked and didn't expect to see him there. We may both know a bunch of the same people but I know who he normally hangouts with and him being there, it was definitely a different crowd for him. I carried on with the night doing what I had set out to do - have fun. I did not approach him. He did not approach me. But I could feel his eyes on me from time to time and moments we were both caught staring at each other. We left to the bars at midnight and after having a couple of drinks, I think we both loosened up a bit. We did end up talking to each other, very small talk though. He was busy playing pool while I was busy keeping myself entertained on the dance floor and grabbing drinks with buddies. After the bars we all decided to go grab something to eat.; November 16, 2012 at 3:08 AM
Anonymous said...: (continue ... )

Ended the night around 3 almost 4 in the morning and when I arrived home, he had messaged me and told me to call him. He said he wanted to check to see if I got home alright. His exact words were,

"Better call me when you get home. Please call me."

And so I did. That night we talked about EVERYTHING. Him, his issues, more about his past, me, and us. It was the first time he's really opened himself up to me and I appreciate him for that. He said he wanted to talk because he hates having misunderstandings between us and I agreed, I hated it too. We cleared a few things between us. He acknowledges that he's been unfair to me and he's been acting like a jerk. He told me that he does care for me. He wants to show affection towards me and to be there by my side but that it's hard for him. He told me that he thinks I'm a very pretty and nice girl who doesn't deserve the kind of treatment that he's been giving me. He knows he's been selfish, he knows he shouldn't be comparing me to his past lover, he knows he's got his issues to sort with but that it takes time. And he also said that he came to the birthday gathering because he knew I was going to be there. But by the end of the night, he still couldn't come out and clearly say what EXACTLY he wanted and I couldn't force it out of him (though I tried lol). Surprisingly, we both talked on the phone till 6:30. Ever since then we've been messaging each other again and this time, things are different. The air between us feels clearer, although it's still a bit foggy. When he talks to me, he's more himself as in he's loosened up and has allowed himself to show a bit more of emotion towards me, but I know he's still holding back. So my question to you is, as an outsider, what do you see here? What's going on between us? Is he being genuine? Is this still a dead end? Or can we both work things out? Do we both want the same things? I've tried to follow through with your advice and it's been hard. Hard as hell to stay away from him because he makes me so happy. And frankly, every time I try to leave, he's always there to chase me down and I hate it because I love him enough to let him back into my life. And I know that makes me appear weak, to continuously allow this man back into my life but what does that tell me? DOES he want to be apart of my life. Why can't HE let go, if he really doesn't want his. Shouldn't it be easy for him to let go and move onto the next girl? I do love this man. How do I open him up to accepting love again in his life? He's so afraid to open himself up again and to be trust again ...

- KissMyAss; November 16, 2012 at 3:21 AM
Anonymous said...: I absolutely LOVE this blog and find it so helpful! I wanted to get your opinion on my situation. I am female who's been seeing/dating a "Disappearing/Reappearing" Gemini male in his 30's for about 4 years. At first, everything was great. We talked or texted every day and he would invite me to go places and do thing together. He was everything I was looking for in a guy. But, like many other who have responded, i made the mistake of letting him know how i felt after about 6 months and asked him where this was going. After that, he immediately started backing away. He stopped calling as much and we stopped hanging out as much. This has been going on for about the last 3 years where he disappears and then reappears (sometimes for weeks and months). When i asked him about the change in his behavior, he said those famous words "he's just not ready". His words always tell me how much he thinks i am great person and how i am different (in a good way) from every other woman he has dealt with but his actions don't show it. Recently, he experienced a death of someone very close to him. He called me to inform me about what happened but did not offer any information about the services. He said he wanted to see me and invited me out to his house (for the first time since he bought it 3 yrs earlier). However, while i was there, he left the room 2 different times to take phone calls. I didn't ask/talk to him about that because i was trying to be sensitive to his feelings but that REALLY upset me.
So my question is do you think I should leave this guy for good or begin utilizing your stratefies and see how he responds?; November 16, 2012 at 6:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KissMyAss,
Well what's going on here is - this has worked. He's had plenty of time and space to think and he's come to the conclusion that he's made some mistakes here.

Yes, it's okay to let him back in - but SLOWLY. You don't jump in and pick right up where you left off. You follow the advice in this article, read it again, and practice what's here with him. You make him prove to you that he's genuinely interested. You hang back a bit, you let him come to you, don't always make yourself available to him and you take control this time.

Read the portion "when he returns" and follow what's there.; November 16, 2012 at 9:28 AM
Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 15 3:51PM,
He's attempting to get a reaction from you. Don't give him one. He trying to manipulate you into doing all of the work here, while he offers little to nothing in return.

If you don't want this to progress, then don't take any steps towards that and continue along your path. He'll either get on board or drift away. His choice.

But don't permit him to manipulate you into doing something that you don't want to do.; November 16, 2012 at 10:06 AM
Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 16 6:14PM,
Absolutely. You begin "no contact" immediately. If he genuinely cares, he'll seek you out. If he doesn't, he'll drift off.

I saw something I didn't like here. You've been dating him off and on for 4 years but you've never been to the home he purchased 3 years earlier? I don't like that. Why isn't he bringing you there? Why haven't you been there prior to this? Was there a woman living with him at the time he was seeing you? I don't like that at all. It's a red flag.

And when he tells you he's not ready, listen to him, chances are, that's the truth. So don't waste your time trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. His behavior is shady at best, like he's hiding something.

Listen to your gut. Women ignore their gut with men all too often and had they listened sooner, they'd have saved themselves lots of pain.

Ladies, if your gut starts rumbling about a man - you listen to it. It very rarely, if ever - wrong.; November 16, 2012 at 10:11 AM
Tired of the games said...: It's me again...still confused by this guy and couldn't stop myself during a text with him and mentioned his quietness and that he had just been here and wondered if he might have changed his mind about things. Then I texted that i hoped he hadn't but if so that I hoped he would let me know just like he had said to me once (a few weeks ago he said he hoped i hadn't given up on him because i was frustrated about the distance, but if i did to please tell him) And he replied back that that wasn't it at all, and he just didn't have much to say and that all that texting before was him getting to know me and now he does, and that texting doesn't seem as good now...that he wants to just be able to reach out and grab me or kiss me now that we've seen each other in person. And that he wants to try to skype more. I said okay, and then he texted me that he will "try to do better babe." So then we did text for a little longer and when i said i had to go he texted me back a nice romantic/sexy text. That was on the 11th. And since then i don't text first, I just respond when he does...and he still will say when it's been like 8 hours between texts, that he misses me. We also skyped the other day..our conversation at one point wasn't there so I jokingly said how now he's so untalkative, and he said "oh stop worrying." But here's the big thing, he had talked a month ago about how he had hid his profile, and that it bothered him that he could see that i still went on the dating site, and that he couldn't help wondering about me with other guys. He said it bothered him because he wasn't really going on anymore (i did check what he said, and it was hid, and sometimes he wasn't on for 2 or 3 weeks), and that all he could do was just take me at my word and not worry about it. So now I checked his profile almost a week ago, and he has it back on...it's "unhid" so others can see it now. So now I'm really confused...why would he bother to tell me he misses me and that nothing has changed, check in with me everyday, and not to worry about things...that he's just not very talkative right now, but yet be back on the website? I mean am I just being dumb and not reading the signs...not talking as much anymore means he's not into it? But then why bother wanting to skype or even text at all? I'm so frustrated because he's always been so up front with me, so I want to believe it's like he says, but how can he have been so into me before and say that he has to be able to message me constantly to now just messaging a little bit every day w/skype thrown in a couple times? I mean he's almost 8 hours away so it's not like he's going to run into me and have to explain why he hasn't contacted me. Could it be that he's just being polite and so still contacts me? Please help! Need an outside opinion~; November 16, 2012 at 1:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror of Aphrodite! I have been feeling like his behavior is shady but I only noticed this shadiness after I told him how I felt. Before I told him how I felt, he would invite me to the apartment he had before purchasing his house and we would hang out. But, I will take your advice and begin implementing the "No Contact" immediately and see how it goes.

If he does reach out (which I have a pretty strong feeling that he will based on past behavior patterns), when, how, and should I even respond? If so, what should I say and how should the tone of the conversation be?; November 16, 2012 at 10:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 16 10:57PM,
First, I think this will help you:

http://www.datingamanformarriage.com/The-Art-Of--No-Contact-.html

Copy and paste that url into your browser and read that piece and watch the video. Next, follow the advice listed here in this article in the section titled:

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring.; November 18, 2012 at 4:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Tired of the Games,
You're sharing too much of your emotions and fears with him - and it's turning him off, pushing him away, making him question whether or not he's going to enjoy dating you, making him feel like this is work instead of fun. By showing too much of your fears and emotions to him, you're removing any mystery or intrique for him. How can he be curious about you, about getting to know you - when you're telling him everything all the time and he has nothing to think about or worry about?

Read this article again. Try to understand how all that sharing and constant talking and pressuring actually runs a guy off.

Why is he pulling away and on the site again? Because now he's unsure if he wants a relationship with you. Because it's appearing to him like it'd be a lot of work and very little fun. He's undecided. So he's attempting to stay in the game by still speaking to you, to decide if he wants to continue with you or not. But have you noticed how each time you pressure him, question him and share your emotions and fears with him - he pulls back? Don't do that. It drives men away.

Men want to be with a "cool" chic. A woman who is fun and easy to be around, one who likes to laugh and have a good time. When a woman starts complaining, becomes fearful, starts questioning and pressuring a guy about what's going on and where things are going - it's not fun, it's not easy. It's work.

If a man feels like he cannot make a woman happy - he will leave. And when he says to you "I will try better, babe" - that tells me that he feels like he won't be able to make you happy. And he feels this way because you're sharing too much of what you're thinking with him.

Read the article again and let the concept sink in.; November 18, 2012 at 4:45 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, You completely ignored my post. My name is oolala and I posted on November 13th. HELP!; November 18, 2012 at 6:56 PM
Anonymous said...: hi Mirror of aphrodite
am the anonymus who wrote on nov 14 4:31. though i didnt get a response from you this is what happened,we met with my boyfriend and we had mad fun that day.when we parted the following day i found an sms from him which said he loved me so much but he is scared that when we are making love my thoughts are far away and its like am thinking of another person which reminds him of his ex wife who used to do that and eventually found he was cheating on him.he told me we need to break up but remain as friends since he doesnt want to go through the same predicament again.i tried to re assure him that it wasnt the case n assured him that i loved him,so i asked him to come to my house we break up face to face rather than an sms.when he came he brought me a present and we talked and talked and somehow made up coz he embraced me kissed me and told me sorry and we made love.he is divorced with two kids for 2 years now but i dont know how to help him from this predicament.my daughter loves him so much and surely he also does love her.he told me he wants to settle down but he is so scared that i will do the same the wife did to him.right now he is just quiet though we were just together yesterday...but i have a bad feeling about it.i dont want to break up with him because i love him very much and i dont know how to fix this.please help me help him.thank you and waiting so much for your response.; November 19, 2012 at 2:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Oolala,
If you were the commentor from Nov. 13 at 11:32PM, I did respond to you. The thread here is getting long - move through the "newer" and "newest" tabs along the bottom here and you'll see it.

Thanks!!; November 19, 2012 at 8:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 19 2:09AM,
I'm not sure if you can "fix" someone like you're expecting to. That doesn't happen. The individual needs to fix themselves and work out their own issues. All you can do is be there, be loyal and be honest.

It sounds to me like he's letting his fears hold him back. Again, this isn't something you can help him with. He has to work through this himself. But you can ask him if there's anything you can do - and then do it. But I have a feeling he'll read into things negatively no matter what. And if she's still in the picture, contacting him and causing trouble, that will affect him.

I'm sorry I don't have a "magic" answer for you, but "broken" people need to work through their own issues, you can't fix them. All you can do is be understanding and be there for him if he needs you to be.; November 19, 2012 at 9:07 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Ooolala,
Okay, I found it. My apologies, I'm getting so many questions, I can't keep up and have trouble locating all of them.

No, don't contact him. Give him the space and time he needs to sort out his head. If you pressure him and begin contacting him, he'll pull away.

It might be a month or two, but he'll be back. Hang in there.; November 19, 2012 at 9:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Zee,
Give him some space. I know you don't want to hear this, but sleeping with a guy too soon tends to produce this situation. The reason is because when you do that, you don't really know if the guy is genuinely interested yet or not, because it's too soon. And if a guy is only half interested, he'll sleep with you, but quickly lose interest and disappear. Why? Because he may have only been half interested to begin with.

That's why it pays to wait. To see if the guy genuinely likes you or not. It increases the chances of the situation becoming long term, rather than a brief fling or affair that last a couple weeks or two months and then fizzles out.

Just play it cool when you see him. Talk to him, but don't talk about you guys as a couple and don't question him about that. Talk to other guys at the gym and act as if you're okay with this and moving on, dating other men.

If he genuinely likes you, he'll move towards you again. If he doesn't, he wont. And you'll have your answer.; November 19, 2012 at 9:16 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror
Could u give me any advice on my situation please?

I was seeing this guy its long distance,and everything was going great and then he pulled back and withdraw. i kept my cool and was casual about the whole thing and didn want to pressure him, he would still text me all the time and i would reply and be fun and carefree in my texts.

The other week he invited me to go up and see him and i said i might have to see what time off ive got,so i decided to get back to him and said i wont be able to come till the end of november if the invite is still there.
But i sent that text over a week ago,and now im worrying if i did something wrong because he usually replies.
I just dont get it he invited me and he seemed into me and now he seems to ignore me.
Do u think i should send him a casual text?
Do u think ive come across to eager?
Please help; November 19, 2012 at 10:28 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, I wrote to you originally on Nov. 14th and am in desperate need of advice. Please help!

This is by far the best advice I've found so far, I'm just skeptical as to whether or not it will work in my situation. I started talking to someone about a month and a half ago. It was friendly at first and then the texts and conversations began to spark an interest and mutual liking between him and I. We hung out a few times, he told me he liked me, allot. I told him the same. He would giggle like a school girl after we kissed and all. It was there. We talked about allot of stuff, life experiences etc. Things progressed quickly although I knew he wasn't looking for a girlfriend, we enjoyed spending time together. We also did some sexual things, but not the BIG one. He respected that. His friend passed away a couple weeks into us talking and put a bit of a hold on our "relationship." I understood and let him know I was here if he needed to talk. We continued to talk and things seemed okay, until about a week and a half ago when the texts started slowing down. When I saw this happening, I started making myself a bit more available and initiated nearly every conversation that week. We would text for hours to follow, and he told me he still felt the same about me. He works in the coffee shop in the mall that I also work in, and I used to go in there all the time to grab a cup o' joe and talk to my other friends in there. A friend of mine who works there told me that he told her "I like her, allot, I'm just not looking for a relationship right now. But if I was, it would be her. She's awesome and I love spending time with her." I am now at a stand still because he has not initiated a text in over a week and I think it is because I came on a bit too strong, and made myself too available by asking to hang out. I genuinely enjoyed his company and was fine with what we had going. I wasn't looking for a relationship with him, just yet. But we both agreed at the beginning that we could be something beautiful. eventually. I think I may have turned him off and really don't know how else to redeem myself other than using the "Rubber Band Theory." I am crossing my fingers and toes that by not going into the coffee shop for a couple weeks will make me cross his mind and hopefully, reach out to me. We had an emotional connection and grew trust very quickly, so I already feel sort of wounded. I think I made a big booboo by continuing reaching out to him even when he stopped. I feel that I may have come off needy and scared him away from what possibly could have been a perfect paced relationship. It was THERE, but I think I may have tarnished things. I'm hoping there is a way to turn this around. Please help me predict even an ounce of my fate, Mirror of Aphrodite.

-ANON Janet; November 19, 2012 at 1:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 19 10:28AM,
No, don't contact him. Let him come to you to prove he's genuinely interested. If you pursue him and accomodate him, he'll sleep with you and then disappear again.; November 19, 2012 at 5:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Janet,
Begin "no contact" immediately:

http://www.datingamanformarriage.com/The-Art-Of--No-Contact-.html; November 19, 2012 at 5:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror:

Lonnie here... After reading that you thought this guy was still interested in me(as well as encouragement by family & friends) I texted him today to say, "I hope you have a very happy Thanksgiving!" We exchanged about three texts (from each of us) back and forth. It was very polite, but it went no where. He ended it by saying, "Thanks for text. Hope your family is well." Then I felt stupid and just ended it by saying, "Gotta go...in line gettting my Thanksgiving groceries. Take care." My friends said, "Well, at least you know now.."

My question is this... he texted me for my bday and his is coming up at the end of the month. I really don't want to say happy b-day now, but I don't want to be rude either. Should I text him?

Where did I go wrong? I have had no contact for a month, except when he texted me for my bday. I just said, "Thank you", basically.; November 19, 2012 at 7:42 PM
Anonymous said...: I met a guy we really hit it off. We went out twice. We had such a good time, I drank too much, I slept with him (oops). Anyway to my surprise he txtd me the following day and then consistently for 2 weeks. We were supposed to hang out that next weekend but he said he was sick (suspicious) but I said "fine hope you feel better" which he replied he'd txt me tomorrow. He didnt so I waited a day and txtd him "give me call when you feel better" he did for a couple days we txtd and then he stopped, nothing for 3 days. Then on Saturday he says "sorry I fell off have been moving" I didnt even get the txt til I got back home at 9 and was getting ready to go out so I txtd him at 11 "good to hear :)" then nothing. On monday I txtd him said "when you get settled lmk" and its now next monday and nothing. I accidentally saw him out this weekend I was with a friend and met one of his friends and having a good time but didnt want to see guy I really fell for. I acted like he didnt exist because as far as I was concerned I wished he didn't.; November 19, 2012 at 9:08 PM
libra females inlove with scorpio male said...: hello;

everything you mentioned applies to me:(( i am always available when he calls, i pick up that same second... it started out he was a wonderful caring man.. and over a year it started to fade.. he doesnt call regularly now ! and it is according to his mood. if he is in a bad mood he tends to avoid me... if he wants to blow up on someone; he calls me ! i never complain , i never discussed my emotional needs... its like i became a sponge absorbing whatever he wants to throw in my face... i try hard not to pick up a call but i always say to myslef he is different; he may not call again.... he is strong, and has a dignity and besides the fact that he has always suffered from depression ; so do the same rules apply on him?
last month he decides he wants to keep it just friendship , as if over night the feelings just vanished , and i suffered but respected ... and then he kept the calls regular like 2 or 3 times a day.. i dont call he does...
is there nay possibility i make himt hink of me 24.7 like i am doing? i need someone to boost me and tell me do not answer him or whatever !!
he is always in a bad mood when he calls me; usually snaps at me for something totally unrelated to me ...
and he asked me to get used to the fact that he may or may not call..and asked me not to worry when he doesnt; and yet again he calls
how can he have feelings for me and freeze them?? i assume they never existed i cannot imagine u love someone and decide not to call her for days and then call her
im confused :(; November 20, 2012 at 4:00 AM
libra females inlove with scorpio male said...: wana give you some back ground; i have never been more in love with someone; i accepted his friendship because i cannot imagine my life without him; i thought beter than nothing... i pretend i am cool and funny but i am dying... i am supportive ; whenever he wants something or needs anything i will run and do it...
from his behavior i concluded this cannot be love yet why does he call me?? daily!; November 20, 2012 at 4:08 AM
libra woman loves scorpio man said...: and whats the best excuse to give him when u r used to picking up the phone the very second it rigng; and i intentionally do not wana pick up for an hr or so? what a nice cool excuse to give that shows i am not doing any sort of reaction or upset?; November 20, 2012 at 4:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonnie,
Well, I think it was too soon having been only a month. And I don't think you should've contacted him because there wasn't anything you needed to "know." Meaning, you never contact someone to see if they like you or not - their lack of contact already says something. So when you come towards them in that moment, they pull back further. Because to a guy, when a woman initiates contact, he sees that as you pursuing him.

And when a woman pursues a guy, it gives him nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, and removes him missing you from the equation. And those are all emotions that a man needs to experience towards a woman to begin to care for her. And it reverses the natural order of things. You don't see deer chasing bucks around in the forest, ya' know? Men should pursue women, not the other way around.

So by contacting him, you just reassured him that you're still there, waiting on him. Now that he knows that, he'll be in no hurry to win you back. That reassurance that you were waiting for, for him to contact you - you just gave that to him. And when a guy is reassured that a woman is still there - he doesn't have to lift a finger to win her over. He'll "back burner" her, knowing she's waiting on him, and he'll go on about his business. It sucks, I know. But it's just the way they are.

Which is why "no contact" is the way to go to win a guy back. The theory is better explained here:

http://www.datingamanformarriage.com/The-Art-Of--No-Contact-.html

Watch the video there. There are psychological effects brought about by no contact that make men miss you. If you contact them, they don't get the opportunity to miss you.

DO NOT contact this man for his birthday if you want him back. He needs to wonder why you didn't. He needs to worry you may be gone. He needs to miss you. And when that happens, he'll contact YOU. Which is what you want. So you have to give that lots of time to happen.

Be rude and go silent. Why are you worried about being rude to a man that's clearly being rude to you? You mirror his behavior. Read this article again here, too. You treat them the way they're treating you. You don't let yourself be manipulated into doing all the work here. You do that and you give all your power away to him.

Initiate "no contact" once again and stick with it this time. When I said he's interested, I meant if you wait him out, he'll come back. You didn't wait him out, and now, you're back to square one. Watch that video in the link I provided above and you'll get a better understanding of the psychology at work there.

And have faith in yourself. Be strong, be independent and go on living your life and dating other men. Don't get hung up waiting around for one of them. You deserve better than that.; November 20, 2012 at 8:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 19 9:08PM,
You slept with him way too soon. When you sleep with a guy before he proves himself to you, before he proves he genuinely likes you, the situation is always short lived and rarely turns into something long term.

Why? Because he was only half interested. He didn't prove he was truly interested. And when a guy is only half interested and hasn't gotten the opportunity to fall for you as a person, to really, genuinely like you as a woman - they'll always sleep with you anyway - and then disappear two weeks to a month later without warning.; November 20, 2012 at 8:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Libra Female in love With Scorpio Male,
Yes, the same rules apply to this man. How can he have feelings for you and freeze them? He's uncertain, that's why. So he vacillates back and forth and you permit him to be this way with you by accepting his poor treatment of you.

He asked you to get used to the fact that he may or may not call - yea, well, too bad. You don't have to accept that type of treatment and you certainly don't need to get used to it. That's like saying to someone, "Hey, I may or may not like you - but you wait around anyway, okay?" And then you're there, waiting, and he knows this. Which gives him nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, and no reason to miss you. And those are all things a man needs to experience in order to develop feelings for a woman.

You initiate "no contact" immediately and next time he contacts you - YOU DO NOT answer that call or text for 3 days. You do what it says here in this article and you mirror his behavior. You treat him the way he's treating you.

And you watch this video here, about the psychology behind "no contact" with a man and why and how this works:

http://www.datingamanformarriage.com/The-Art-Of--No-Contact-.html; November 20, 2012 at 8:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Libra Female in love With Scorpio Male,
You wrote:

"Whats the best excuse to give him when u r used to picking up the phone the very second it rigng; and i intentionally do not wana pick up for an hr or so? what a nice cool excuse to give that shows i am not doing any sort of reaction or upset?"

You don't need an excuse. You don't have to answer to him. He doesn't own you, he's not your husband. He's not treating you properly and therefore, you owe him NO explanation whatsoever. You don't answer to him like that. You say you were busy and that's all you owe him. You were busy and that's that - period, case closed.

And no, you don't wait an hour to return the call. You wait 3 days, just like it says in this article. You make him worry you may be gone, you don't reassure him you're waiting around for him or that you're right there, willing and waiting. If you do that, he'll treat you like this forever because he'll never worry you may be pulling away.

You want him to worry you may be pulling away. You want him to miss you. You want him to think about you. And the only way to do that is to disappear. Initiate "no contact" and watch the video here so that you understand the psychology behind that:

http://www.datingamanformarriage.com/The-Art-Of--No-Contact-.html; November 20, 2012 at 8:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,

I am a Scorpio female who dated a Scorpio male shortly.

Unfortunately I wasn't attracted to him as a person that much, but still we went out on dates for a while.

He also happened to pull this disappearing trick and currently hasn't contacted me for about a week now (during which I am also super busy and kind of grateful for, anyway).

Basically before this, I think he tried to start something with me... He tried to kiss me, which I rejected. After which we talked about where "this" was going and we both agreed to "see where it goes", since he was also not sure if I was a rebound. But anyway, it felt too fast (red flag?), and I wasn't comfortable. And recently, a guy came to tell me he heard I had been "rejected" by this Scorpio dude... I don't know if I should fully trust the guy who told me that (oh, btw also a Scorpio, and someone I did not reciprocate a while back, so he sounded like he was gloating a bit... tsk, boys), like if he made it sound worse than it is. I told a close guy friend who also knows their group, and my guy friend told me he's just trying to salvage his male ego (do you think?).

I am not so curious about how to deal with it, as I am fine, if he doesn't contact me again, just a little bit surprised and sad.

I would like to know if you could do a brief profiling on Scorpio men and women? I am really curious.

So far, I have found that my personality does match a Scorpio's (unfortunately I am not well versed in this topic) from what I could find off the Internet. I also have a really close friend who's a Scorpio and we share really similar traits. We do have a lot of pride in ourselves, and whatever bad things are done to us, such as this, we both agreed that it was better to let this slide... we both are a firm believer of karma.

Please advice! Your articles are really insightful and honest.

Thank you.

Scorpiolady; November 20, 2012 at 11:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Cancer Woman Seeking Advice

I recently met a man about 3 months ago and things were going well- About a month ago he cut me off for a week and simply stopped speaking to me, a week later he comes around and tells me he fell back bc he felt that I was stressing our relationship and not allowing us to grow. (I would always ask questions about our relationship and were we stood) He is a doctor and was always busy and tied up. We had a convo about everything and all was well. I stayed at his house that day and the following week we would talk and text like usual. That saturday we had plans to go out, I texted him in the morning to find out what time we were set to meet- he never responded via text or call and I have not heard from him in about a month. I must admit that I called him two weeks ago and never heard back- I have not done anything since then, I guess I am scared about not getting a response. I must admit that I want him to call, simply bc I know now what is expected and how I should act in order things to work for my benefit. Will he come back? will he reach out? I know you must think I am foolish, but I truly caught feelings and the way we met allowed me to feel that things could truly work out if we were on the same page. Please advice me; November 20, 2012 at 1:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Cancer Sadness : One other factor that I need t include- this man would talk to me about his private things- issues with family, issues with the divorce- confided in me as a friend so of course I would think that iwas different from some random girl. When I agreed for us to put 100 percent of ourselves into this, he also suggested that we both get checked out in order to stay healthy and then he dismisses me? this does not seem the role that a man who was using me as a past time would take or am I wrong? I would love for him to call but am not so sure he will; November 20, 2012 at 2:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror- I am resending because I received an error message

Cancer Sadness:
I recently met a Sagittarius man about three months ago and thing seemed to go well. About a month ago he stopped talking to me for a week- when he reappeared he explained that he felt that I was stressing the relationship with my questions and not simply letting us grow. We had a deep conversation and put everything out on the table. I stayed over that night and we talked/texted for the following week. That Saturday we had plans to meet up- I texted him in the morning to confirm the time we should meet and he never responded or called at all. I have not heard from him in a month and simply don’t know what happened or where I went wrong. I must admit that I reached to him two weeks ago and left a simple carefree message but never heard back. Will he come back? Will he reach out to me again? I know I must seem foolish to want to work things out but I simply do not understand. What confuses me even more is that he was so honest about personal stuff that he was going through with family, life and even a current divorce. I like to think that he simply got scared about starting a new relationship but I am not sure. Please help- bc I must admit that I am lost; November 20, 2012 at 3:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Read the post hoping you can give some advise..
I'm in a relationship with a libra man and I am pisces.. We used to work at the same company before, I can tell that he's eyeing on me cause he used to tell some stuff from the time that I haven't met him yet like he already saw the shirt, dress, shoes, or he knows the people that I used to hang out with (this is during training) etc. which I didn't use and was never introduce to him when we bacame friends .. Then we got along, he used to be touchy which I didn't like but I think thats his way on how he show his sweetness like he used to put his head on my shoulder or his arms on my shoulder he wants to sit beside me all the time and stare at me that kind of stuff.. we enjoy each others company and I was able to make him open up, he used to tell me about his past, childhood stories, even if somethings bothering him (our relationship continues even though he transfered to a diffrent company).. But then sometimes when a major problem stikes he doesn't know how to deal with it he gets too much pressured and confused tendency I am the one needs to solve the problem. It comes to a point that he gets pissed so easily during our conversations, even if I didn't say anything bad all I want is for him to clarify what he just said cause I want a straight or more detailed answer I don't want to assume, I want to make sure that we're on the same page (which he already knew and get used to). I gave him some space maybe he got suffocated but then he's asking me why did I changed he's not used to it and asked me if I dont like him anymore (so now I'm confuseD). He didn't disappeared yet cause He still makes me feel that he loves me and everytime we see each other I can still feel that he misses me but it got me really confused about his actions. I feel like he doesn't love me the way used to before. I dont want to make him feel that I'm chasing him by asking whats wrong or why all of a sudden you changed ect.

However it gotten worst. Right now I’m having some issues at work and he’s having his own issues too… Now he got me more confused there is a sudden change with his attitude again we often end up arguing this past few weeks so I decided not to talk about our issues at work cause I thought maybe he thats the reason why he's acting like that (due to too much stress) but it didnt worked.

But now he's acting totally diffrent.. He usually answers my question by giving me a detailed answer since he knows that thats what I want or I will keep on asking him questions if he doesnt give me the right answer, he used to tell me if he has a problem. Now he gets easily irritated, more irritated, he turns cold and lessen the time for each other (I didn't questioned him why).

Just a few days ago he ask for some space he said he feels like he can't do anything for himself now cause he's more focused on me. I felt bad, it seems like I'm eating all up of his time and energy which is totally wrong! He was the one who initiates more often if we will go out. If he wants to do something like going out with his friends or doing his thing i just let him do what he needs to do. This past few weeks he didn't ask me out nor asked if when are we going to see each other. He didn't even visit me for 3 weeks now (he visits me in the office or house if we have a diffrent schedule).

I've read a lot about libra man and other signs from the time that he acts differently but I need to know if a guy that suddenly turns cold is cheating on me or he just need to fix something? or he ask for some space cause he's flirting around? I need some advise please...; November 20, 2012 at 3:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror @ November 2, 2012 4:03 PM

I stayed away from texting this guy but did goof up once.Sent a casual text 12days ago and there was no response. I deleted his number from my phone so that I don't repeat such things again. I got a reply today. It took me a while to figure out the context to that reply. Anyway I didn't bother replying to him. I am happy on my own. Would have liked it if it had worked out with him but don't care any more. What do you think I should do now?; November 20, 2012 at 3:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorpiolady,
It is my intention to cover all of the signs here in depth. However, answering questions and participating in the community takes up much of my time, but I will be getting to that.

Yes, he was trying to salvage his ego. And yes, it was a red flag that he was moving fast. Chances are, had you gone along with it, he would've slept with and then disappeared, just as he has. So kudos to you for not falling for the old "sweep her off her feet" method of fast tracking you into the bedroom.

You dodged a bullet there :-); November 20, 2012 at 7:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Cancer Woman Seeking Advice,
No, do not contact him again. He's already told you that you pursuing him is freaking him out. Doing that WILL NOT benefit you, it will drive him away - it's very pressuring to a man, especially when combined with questions about where things are going. It makes the woman look insecure and desperate to the man. They view it as weakness.

It's NEVER a good idea for a woman to pursue a man or initiate contact, ever. If you do that, you're setting yourself up to be used. Read this article to better understand:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/09/how-what-when-to-text-men.html

And realize that yes, a man will confide in a woman as a friend and no, that does not make her special. Men will confide in men and women at bars, at work, etc. and that doesn't make any of those people special - it simply means that they're someone who isn't close to them or the situation, so it's easier to trust that things won't get back to the wrong person is all.

And if you want him to come back, you need to initiate "no contact" immediately. Check out this link and watch the video there to understand the psychology behind what a man needs to feel "emotions" for a woman:

http://www.datingamanformarriage.com/The-Art-Of--No-Contact-.html; November 20, 2012 at 7:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Update on girl w/Gemini drama from Nov. 16th

Well, he finally called a couple of days ago after going MIA for about 5 days or so. I did not answer the phone and kept going about my business as normal. I have thought about him the past couple of days but I refuse to call. If he really wants for us to have something he needs to prove it with his actions instead of just words!

I spoke to one of my good friends today and it turns out she used the "No contact" rule on a guy she dated and did it for a whole month. My question to you is do you think a month is a good amount of time to do this or does it just depend? She says it worked wonders for her and even when she did start accepting his texts and phone calls it was very short communication.; November 20, 2012 at 7:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 20 3:47PM,
Well first of all, put yourself in his shoes. You said, "or I will keep on asking him questions if he doesnt give me the right answer."

Think about that. Wouldn't you feel extremely pressured and unable to make someone happy who was constantly picking at your brain? And what is the right answer? I'm sure he feels he's giving you the right answer, yet you're seeking one that suits you. You need to accept what he tells you and then let it go. If you keep coming at him like that, you're definitely going to drive him away.

Men like to be around women they find fun and easy to be around. Constantly being questioned isn't fun and it's not easy to be around that all the time either.

Re-read this article and let the concepts of "uncertainty" and simple communication sink in.; November 20, 2012 at 7:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 20 3:55PM.
What should you do now? Re-read the portion of this article titled "What to do when your man reappears: behavioral mirroring."

And you follow that. You mirror his behavior. He took 12 days to respond to you - so you take 12 days to respond to him now. And you follow that from this point on. Eventually, he'll get the picture and realize that if he wants you to be available to him, he's going to have to treat you fairly for that to happen.

So for right now, you treat him EXACTLY as he's treating you. And you wait for him to man up and prove he's genuinely interested. You mirror his behavior from this point on.; November 20, 2012 at 7:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Girl w/Gemini drama from Nov. 16th,
Yes, no contact definitely works on men. There's a psychology behind it that really hits home with them. And yes, even when they do contact you, you don't jump right back in and begin where you left off with the guy. He gets pushed back to square one to begin again. And at that time, you begin using the "behavioral mirroring" psychology tactic discussed in this article under the section "what to do when your man reappears."

And that's how you take back control. If he takes 5 days to contact you, you take 5 days to respond. If he takes 3 hours to respond to a text, you take 3 hours to get back to him. And you keep mirroring his behavior that way until it finally registers with him that - if he wants you to be available to him, he has to be available to you - or he's not going to have the luxury of you being there all the time.

They catch on quick and they love a woman who proves to be a challenge to them. Men are competitive and they like to "win" things. Including women. When a woman pulls back on the rubber band and creates healthy tension, the man springs towards her. If a woman chases a man, he runs from her.

And the time frame doesn't really matter. Because what happens is - they catch on. He'll notice you're taking as long as he does to respond. So if he wants to see you, he'll begin responding sooner. So when he used to take 5 days to respond, he'll try 2 days. When you take 2 days to respond, he'll notice so he'll respond in one day. When you take one day to respond, he'll notice and he'll respond in a few hours. When you take a few hours to respond, he'll notice and he'll begin responding immediately.

And that's when you come together :-); November 20, 2012 at 7:37 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror@ Nov 20,2012 7.26PM

Thanks Mirror. So after 12 days what should i text? a casual hi?

One more thing I want to share. I have a profile on another dating site and 14days ago this guy contacted me on that. By looking at our profiles it is easy to recognise each other. As a first step on that dating site, one has to send few questions to the other person and this guy sent me few relationship based questions. I was not logging on to any sites for many days so i missed this. I logged in 2 days ago and noticed that this guy had sent me questions and one of them is on my view about premarital sex. I just ignored and didn't respond. I am wondering why did he try to contact on that site when he knew that profile was mine!; November 20, 2012 at 7:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror @ Nov20,2012 7.26PM

Contd...

Also if you refer to his earlier behaviour It was clear that he was a player and was looking for only sex. I remember his statement about sex is a part of dating,It is a need and don't want to date one and another for need. So how will I know if he is still a player and trying his luck again?; November 20, 2012 at 7:52 PM
Anonymous said...: Cancer woman seeking advice

Thank u so very muh for responding.

I totally understand what ou are saying. Do u believe he will come back or reach out to me.? I would really to see if things could work with the both of us, obviously with me being a lot less stressful with this man (Sagittarius) . Does the fact that it has been a month make it a lot harder for him to return?; November 20, 2012 at 9:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

Its Ooolala again. Thanks so much for your response. I called twice since I posted. This was because I listened to a friend who said that he may really be in a great deal of trouble. I'm such a softie so I gave in and called. No response.I thought since the holiday is coming I would at least greet him but now I just feel like running in the other direction of where ever he is. Did I ruin everything? I hope not. Please give me some advice and your thoughts.

P.S: Your advice is so good. That's why eveyone writes you:). Keep up the good work.; November 20, 2012 at 11:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 20 7:52PM,
You will know he's a player if he disappears for good. You will know he genuinely likes you if he pursues you and treats you like a lady by taking you to nice dinners, calling and speaking with you, making time to see you, etc.

He sounds like he's trolling the internet for sex. So I'd really make him prove himself. And when you contact him 12 days from now, no you don't say hi. You answer any questions he asked you when he contacted you this last time. If he didn't ask you a question that needs a response - then don't contact him 12 days from now. Sit tight and let him contact you again - let him pursue you. If he doesn't ask questions when he contacts you, like how you're doing, etc. then you don't respond. You only respond when he's genuinely speaking to you in an effort to get to know you.

Anything less and let this one walk. He's probably doing this very same thing with 6 other women too.; November 21, 2012 at 7:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Cancer Woman Seeking Advice,
"Does the fact that it has been a month make it a lot harder for him to return?"

No, it actually increases the chances he'll be in touch again in the next month or so. Men usually return after pulling the disappearing act two weeks later, one month later, 2-3 months later, 6 months later or one year later. Those are the time frames that I've noticed that usually happens. I had an ex of 3 years ago reappear recently. I've had a man I dated reappear after 2 months and one just recently disappeare . . . and I'm expecting to hear from him in about 3 weeks LOL ;-); November 21, 2012 at 7:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Ooolala,
No I don't think you've ruined it, but you need to STOP contacting him so that he can have an opportunity to miss you and to worry that you may be gone. You need to stop acting on your emotions and instead use logic here. Thinking somethings wrong and calling is being "emotional" and that drives men away. If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will seek her out - period, case closed.

And the other reason it's never a good idea for a woman to pursue a man is because - it only makes the woman feel bad about herself. Especially when he doesn't respond. So stop causing yourself more pain by trying to pound a square peg into a round hole here. Each time you pick up that phone and pursue him and he ignores you - all you're doing is hurting YOURSELF and making yourself feel bad about yourself - don't do that and don't listen to other women who think it's a good idea to do that and pursue men.

Think about that. In nature, you don't see female doe chasing male bucks around the forest do you? You don't see the lioness stalking the lion king out on the safari, do you? Nope. It goes against nature to do that. Men don't like being pursued, they like to BE the pursuer. If a woman chases a man and initiates conversation all the time, he'll run from her and view her as weak emotionally.

So be strong. Don't contact him. The way you know a guy likes you - is if he contacts YOU. If you're the one doing all the contacting all the time, you'll never know if the guy genuinely likes you or not.

The way to stop all the guessing and worry is to not contact him - and see if he starts contacting you. That's how you know.; November 21, 2012 at 7:44 AM
Anonymous said...: Cancer seeking advice- that you very much for getting back to me. Your advice has helped a great deal. I will not contact him and try my best to get out of this funk I am in- I dont think men realize how much a woman internalizes these disappearing acts. I would have liked to contact him for the holidays but feel that he would expect that- This man seems a bit arrogant.

"So If i understand correctly he will return? Even just becasue he feels he has that control?"; November 21, 2012 at 9:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror @ Nov21, 2012 7.35 AM

Thanks Mirror. I had sent a text 12 days ago saying this traffic reminds me of you. He sent a text yesterday asking-Lol just traffic. I don't think this needs a response even after 12 days. What do you say? Should I just sit tight? Regarding him approaching me on the other site, what is your view? I ignored him on that site anyway.; November 21, 2012 at 9:13 AM
nikita said...: All true!..
My question to all loving honest women and men: are you in it to wim it or to play it? Whats the "grand prize"?. Pain in the a..relationship,rolecaster of uncertanity and emotional ups and downs,sacrifice of self and your options for healty ,normal,fulfilling relationship without bs and mind games? In the name of WHAT??? Rescuing an as.. from himself?:D. Cut your losses,send it to the curbs and be happy you didnt invest any more time and hart into something worth a sh.. Good luck to all of you who are looking for love and finger to all players;); November 21, 2012 at 1:58 PM
Anonymous said...: I found your article very helpful. I am trying to deal with someone who is terrified of confrontation. I am a Scorpio female and have been seeing a sag male for about 3 and a half years. He is so afraid of confrontation or "drama" as he calls it that he will literally start squirming in his seat if I try to talk to him. We get along very well and luckily there has not been a need for many "talks". He does have a tendency to disappear when things get too stressful for him. He had some traumatic things happen in his childhood and I think that is why he cannot communicate. We have gotten very close and he calls every day. We are both busy with work and kids and see each other as much as we can work in. About a week or so ago he said he would call me back. Instead I got a text that said “some things are hard to talk about and he never wants to hurt me and he cares how I feel...he is going on vacation and we would still talk and he feels bad because I am not going with him”. I sent a text saying I was confused. Going on vacation?? Never knew anything about that. So all week he does not call. Then week two, he is still on vacation but home now. He still does not call. In the meantime I get wind of the fact that he may be upset over a promotion he didn’t get. Finally I texted and said is everything ok. He said yes fine. After a few texts I said how you handled the vacation thing really hurt me and you should have just told me. Not sure why he made it so dramatic to begin with. He said...Sorry but you know how I feel about drama. No drama. No matter what, no drama. I said so you would rather have me out of your life instead of talking to me now and then. I sent a few more texts (went off a bit and regret it) and have had no response. This is typical for him. Then he will usually come back and never apologize and not even want to talk about it, like it never happened. I care very deeply for him and I am so hurt when he does this. He does this at least once or twice a year. He says life gets to be too much and he goes underground. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? I don't know how to help him with his communication issues. I know he cares about me, but when he gets stressed and disappears without even a word, I never know how to take it.....is there someone else? is he hurt? is he just over me? how can he just hurt me like that? My mind goes into overdrive thinking all kinds of crazy things. I have never so much as raised my voice to this man and I am not sure why he can’t just talk to me. I am so hurt. Been crying for almost two weeks.; November 21, 2012 at 2:18 PM
Frustrated Taurus said...: Hi Mirror,

I wrote a couple times before in July about the 2.5 year on and off relationship with 42 year old male Taurus (he was unemployed at the time, but finally got a job). Anyway, its almost six months and I have not heard from him, and I think that he may be seeing someone else. Every other time there had been an off period, I was usually the one to initiate contact, cause I grew impatient. This time however I have done nothing, not one text since June.
I have been moving forward with my life, going out etc, talking to other men. Do you still feel I may hear from him? My friends are so shocked I have heard nothing, they want me to tell him off. But I refuse to do anything. I know its on him, plus I am angry.; November 21, 2012 at 6:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Desperately seeking help...Ive been involved with this guy on & off for 9yrs.First time around I got totally crushed & behaved like a stalker when i saw him with someone else. Our involvement has always been physical. We've always kept intouch throughout the yrs just to say hi or happy birthday,since our birthdays are 1 day apart & we're both Leos &same age.This time,2nd time around I was hopeful that things would be different but has fallen back into the same routine, he initiates contact,texts just to say hi or he's thinking about me and misses me, invites me to his house for overnight stay(1 hr 45 mins from mine)& texts me to make sure i got home safely and then I'll wait a week before I find myself initiating contact. So the last time I was with him the morning before I left his place I told him in a very calm and cool almost comic manner that: I'm not sure I can get back into this pattern with him again & it's been 9yrs & I feel like Im in the same position with him &I can't F him without feelings,& that I'm getting to the age(44)that I want someone to hangout with more often. He was very sweet as always, &Said that he understands & I have to know that he cares about me,he has since the 1st time around,he likes hanging out with me,we get along,& the sex is great &he knows that I'm a good person.Then he said that he has actually reconsidered it a couple of times and then I said that I won't make a fool of myself again or put him through that crap again & then he gave me a bear hug from behind & said that I didn't make a fool of myself the 1st time. Then I just let the conversation die. Since then I haven't heard much from him and I feel like he was on the verge of giving me a real chance this time and I blew it by telling him how I was feeling.It's been 22days since I last saw him & I have sent 1 text asking if he wanted to hangout,but his daughter was staying with him that weekend and another about a week later just to ask about a street in his area,which he replied immediately, that was a week ago also but still no invite to come see him.Do you think I should accept that I scared him away and try to get over him once & for all?; November 21, 2012 at 7:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous November 21, 2:18PM,
He doesn't have communication issues - he's emotionally unavailable - period.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/; November 21, 2012 at 10:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 21 7:09PM,
I think your biggest mistake is that YOU are going to HIM. You have to make a man prove himself to you. And he does that by:

coming to see you, driving to you
taking you to nice dinners on occasion
treating you like a lady
making time for you
scheduling dates in advance with you
calling when he says he will
initiating contact

Basically - by going out of his way for you. When you start to bend and jump for a man, it invites poor treatment from them. Men tend to disrespect a woman who disrespects herself. And when that happens, they tend to run hot and cold - half interested.

You say you're not going to fall back into that pattern with him - yet there you are, on his doorstep after an hours drive - to HIM.

Think about that. If you were him - what would you think? You'd think, "I got this in the bag. I don't have to lift a finger here. I don't have to do a thing. I don't have to go out of my way. She'll be there."

So when you behave in that manner with a man - it's basically an open invitation for poor treatment.

If you want things to change - YOU have to change.

I don't think it has a thing to do with what you're saying with your words . . but it has EVERYTHING to do with what you're saying with your actions.

YOU can change all of that :-); November 21, 2012 at 10:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Ooolala again,

Thanks a bunch, Mirror. I'll let you know how it goes. Have a great holiday!; November 22, 2012 at 5:23 AM
bluebird said...: Thank you for the link to the emotionally unavailable man. I had originally posted as anonymous but added a user name so I could track "myself" easier. My first post was Anonymous Nov 21 at 2:18PM. You are right, he is emotionally unavailable. He wants everything on his terms. He calls when he wants, as much as he wants. If for some odd reason I don't answer the phone then he is on the phone to me first thing the next morning to see why I didnt answer. He is used to me being available. He is a momma's boy bigtime. Does this man really have no emotions. That would explain a lot. Am I dealing with a lost cause. What do I do now. I am crazy about him. I went off the other night and texted him like 8 times after he said....sorry no drama for me. I wasnt mean but I did tell him I was gonna start seeing other people. I think I messed up. I should not have said that. He never responded to any of my texts. This is what he does. How can he make me feel like he cares so much and really he doesnt care at all. Why would he spend hours and hours on the phone with me - he calls every day, when I am really nothing to him. He remembers my birthday when some of my own family forgets. Wow, is he really just that good. I have sometimes wondered if he is really a player but I have never found any evidence to that fact. The sad thing is I want him back. What should I do?; November 22, 2012 at 8:57 AM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror of Aphrodite

Thanks for taking the time to dish out advice to all the queries here. And I understand that this mini forum takes up a lot of your time... but you do tell what the ladies need to hear, hence the blown up comments section!

Please take your time. I was just curious about what you have to say about Scorpio traits. I will always be checkin' in whenever I am taking breaks, etc, for the fun of it.

Thanks again! :)

P/S Check out Taylor Swift's Begin Again, both the song and MV carry empowering messages in a "soft" way. The MV was about a single girl, living a beautiful life alone... and then love finds her. But I felt that the main idea was how she was able to enjoy life on her own terms first and foremost :); November 22, 2012 at 9:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror @ November 21, 9.13 AM

I am looking forward to your response to my earlier post on November 21, 9.13AM. I thought I was over this guy but now I am thinking about him all the time ever since the text. I am a strong independant woman but this reaction in me surprised me. But I am sure I am not going to contact him till I get some advice from you :)Thanks; November 22, 2012 at 9:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bluebird,
"How can he make me feel like he cares so much and really he doesnt care at all."

He's good at manipulating people to get what he wants. It's emotional manipulation. He knows that if you tell people what they want to hear, they will accommodate you.

"Why would he spend hours and hours on the phone with me - he calls every day, when I am really nothing to him."

It's not that you're nothing to him, it's just that HE wants CONTROL. Hence the manipulation to get it.

"I have sometimes wondered if he is really a player but I have never found any evidence to that fact."

Yes, when a woman's gut is speaking to her - she should not dismiss it. It's a very primal built in security system. Pay attention to it, don't ignore it. It's an asset.

"If for some odd reason I don't answer the phone then he is on the phone to me first thing the next morning to see why I didnt answer."

Again, control and emotional manipulation.

"Does this man really have no emotions."

It's possible. And if that's the case, "sociopath" comes to mind here. And the definition of a sociopath is:

- lack of empathy for others
- an inability to sympathize with others
- a very charming "social" disposition (that they use to manipulate people)
- lack of remorse

The only real difference between a sociopath and a psychopath is the "social" part. Sociopaths are VERY charming and liked by a lot of people. It's their disguise. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was an incredibly charming man. Particularly with women, which is how he manipulated them into trusting him. Psychopaths are introverts that are NOT social and can appear odd to others. I'm not saying he's a serial killer, LOL, but the simple fact of the matter is that in todays society, the statistics concerning sociopaths are staggering - there are currently 3.5 million of them in the U.S. alone.

If this guy resurfaces - you don't respond. You stay gone for a solid two weeks. And during that time, you observe his behavior to get a better feel for him. When a man treats a woman with this type of disregard - you NEVER reward his bad behavior by showering him with lots of attention and affection. When a man behaves badly, he gets the same treatment in return. So you disappear on him and you stay gone for a few weeks. No texts, no responses, no calls, no return calls - no nothing. Disappear.

And then sit back and watch this one. Knowing what you know now about what you may be dealing with, you observe him. And he gets NOTHING from you, not ONE ounce of attention - until he treats you with respect and apologizes for being a jerk.

No apology - no attention from you. Period. Make him responsible for his own actions and hold him accountable for them.; November 22, 2012 at 10:36 AM
bluebird said...: Mirror,

Thank you. Everything you said makes 100% sense. I think I knew that deep down but was hoping I was wrong. You have helped pull me out of my dark place to see that I am worth more. Thank you for that. Two weeks then. I feel like he is like a skittish dog and if I ignore him for two weeks it is very likely that he will just go away for good. But if I do mean anything to him then he will need to show it. Thank you again.; November 22, 2012 at 10:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bluebird,
Well, honestly, it should be more like a month. But try two weeks first to see if you can make it that far. No, he will NOT go away. If anything, he will begin to do what YOU'RE doing, which is:

- think about you non-stop
- long for you
- miss you
- desperately feel a need to make contact with you
- amp up his efforts to do so
- makes him see you as strong, which in turn, makes you MUCH more desirable to him
- once he sees you as more desirable and strong, he has an increased respect for you and this, in turn, makes him view you as "valuable"

You see, there's a psychology here at work. And it works on both men and women - and HE'S using this psychology on YOU at this very moment. So you mirror his behavior and you employ "no contact" on HIM - and you take control here.

And if he bails, so be it. He would've only continued to hurt you anyway and you deserve better than to be used and disposed of, like an object, rather than a human being with feelings. So this is going to be good for YOU, too.

Watch this video to understand:

http://youtu.be/0WTTSDl1ppg

And here's a nice "plan" for how to employ the "no contact" rule in dating:

http://howtogetyourgirlbackfromanotherguy.blogspot.com/2011/09/why-no-contact-rule-works-and-how-you.html; November 22, 2012 at 11:20 AM
Frustrated Taurus said...: Hi Mirror!

I am excited to see your response to my post November 21 at 6:09 p.m. Essentially if I will ever hear again. Driving myself crazy over here. Thanks!; November 22, 2012 at 11:31 AM
bluebird said...: One last question...for now anyway, LOL. Do you think I made a big mistake by telling him I was gonna start seeing other people. That is really bothering me and I was thinking about texting him and telling him that I only said that cause I was hurt. That was before you said not to text. So I have not done that. But I tend to say things when I am angry that I regret later. Thanks.; November 22, 2012 at 12:39 PM
Anonymous said...: Cancer seeking advice- that you very much for getting back to me. Your advice has helped a great deal. I will not contact him and try my best to get out of this funk I am in- I dont think men realize how much a woman internalizes these disappearing acts. I would have liked to contact him for the holidays but feel that he would expect that- This man seems a bit arrogant.

"So If i understand correctly he will return? Even just becasue he feels he has that control?"; November 22, 2012 at 12:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Girl w/ Gemini drama

Hi Mirror. Well, since today was Thanksgiving, I sent my Gemini guy a text to tell him Happy Thanksgiving. His mom passed away recently and this was his first Thanksgiving w/o her so I felt it would be a nice gesture to text him since i am pretty sure today was rough for him. Do tou think i messed up by doing this? I didn't exactly mirror his 5 day absence (it was only 4 days). He texted me back immediately to tell me Happy Thanksgiving as well. I did not say.anything back and i plan on putting him back on a "NO CONTACT" plan for a month starting tomorrow.; November 22, 2012 at 8:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Frustrated Taurus,
Yes, I think it's very possible he'll resurface someday. And the only reason he hasn't so far, could be because he's with someone else OR could be because, if you had done all the initiating previously, it may have been that he was only half interested - but when you contacted him, he figured, why not? Either way, when he finds himself alone again, he'll probably be back.

One of the only ways to know if a guy really likes you and is genuinely interested is if he contacts you. That's the only way to know, so let that happen. And if it doesn't, so be it, it's for the best.

DO NOT contact him to tell him off. Please don't listen to that girlfriend, LOL. If you do that, do you realize how that would look to a man? It'd look like you've been sitting by the phone for 6 months, with no life of your own, waiting for him to call - and seething the entire time. If you did that, you'd come across looking like you're "off your rocker" to him. So don't give him that, please. You're MUCH better than that.

95% of men return. Why I don't know, but they just do. Months ago, I called one guy a punk. I wasn't mean about it, it was along the lines of "Please stop contacting me. I don't have time for a punk." And the only reason I did that was because he played tons of games and wouldn't go away. He became very aggressive with me and he needed put in his place is all. He got very angry, wished me well with my "other men" LOL - and went away finally.

And you know what? Last night, I got a text, "Hi" - and it was from him. I have no intention of responding, but my point with that is - they all come back, no matter what, they all usually return at some point in time.

So if he's with someone right now, when he finds himself alone again - chances are good he's gonna ring your phone. And if he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be is all.

I had an ex return 3 months ago after 3 years. I also had a guy I went on one date with two frickin years ago text me this Spring. Eventually, they sit down with that phone, the modern day "little black book" - and start ringing LOL.; November 23, 2012 at 8:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bluebird,
NO - you let that text stand. Do NOT take that back or he's gonna think he's got you - right where he wants you, and that you're sitting around waiting for him. You never want a man to think that about you. If they do, they take you for granted. And when a guy thinks you're waiting on him and he starts taking you for granted, he'll begin to treat you poorly.

So DO NOT contact him again and DO NOT take that text back. Let him think you've moved on. Because in a couple weeks, he's gonna wonder, "Hmm, is she really gone? I wonder if she's met another guy? Maybe I should contact her and see."

And that's what you WANT him to think. So let that thought sit with him. It'll weigh on his mind and eventually, he'll come to seek you out, to see if there's competition for you. And when a man thinks other men want and desire you - it increases your value in their eyes. Women who are desired by multiple men are viewed by all men as more desirable - thus making them "valuable" in all men's eyes. And being seen as a highly desirable women that's valuable is a good thing.

So sit back, remain calm, strong, cool and collected. I'm thinking in about a month, maybe two, he's going to circle around to see if there's any competition. And when he does that, you pretend there is, even if there isn't.

You never want a man to think that no other men want you or are in your life. If a guy thinks that, your value to him as a woman drops and he begins to take you for granted. But if he thinks other men desire you, you're value to him increases - and suddenly, he wants a piece of the action - he wants to WIN - he wants to beat all these other men.

Men are very competitive and having them think they've got to compete for your affections is actually a good thing. Women who have loads of men chasing them around, wrapped around their fingers - are always the women who play hard to get and let all the men know there are other men in their life. Read the book, "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. She interviewed some 10,000 men I believe - and each one of them shared this with her.

And think about that concept in the reverse. Ever notice how the high school jock who acted like he was too cool for school had all the girls wanting to be with him? Why do you think that is? It's because he had an increased "value" to the girls. Why? Because all the other girls wanted him!

When lots of people want to be with another human being - it makes ALL human beings see them as "valuable" to be with. And then the high school jock has 10 girls competing for his attention.

It works to one's advantage. So let that thought marinate with him and work on his psyche. Eventually, he'll become so curious about it, he'll be back to check and see.

If you tell him that wasn't true - you'll hear your value drop with a thud onto the floor with him. He'll think, "If no one else wants her, there must be something wrong with her." And he won't want you either. And he'll also view you as weak and desperate.

Don't give him that.; November 23, 2012 at 9:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Cancer Seeking Advice,
Well there's no guarantee that all men will reappear - but trust me honey, over 90% of them do.

Look, here's the thing women fail to understand. WE HAVE THE VA-GI-GI. WE HAVE THE POWER. WE HAVE WHAT THEY WANT. Trust in that.

And another thing to remember is this - women internalize, men project. Women turn everything onto themselves, while men project everything OFF of themselves and onto others. Have you read this piece here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/08/men-disappear-and-reappear-aftermath.html

Don't beat yourself up over some jerk. Don't spend all of your time and effort worrying about some jerk. Stand strong. It's only a man. It's not the end of the world.

And for every man that rounds the corner walking out the door - there's another one rounding the corner and entering the room.

And the longer a woman stays away - the more curious a man becomes about her. When someone's in your face all the time, there's nothing to think about, nothing to worry about. By staying away, you give them plenty to think about. Men are human too, ya' know. Staying away makes THEM do the same thing YOU'RE doing, which is:

Think about you constantly
Feel desperate to make contact with you
Long for you
Miss you
Feel a need to make contact to make things right

So why not use that to your advantage? It works both ways. You WANT a guy to worry about you. You want a guy to think about you.

It's a scientific fact: Uncertainty creates intense romantic attraction. And he's using that tactic on you right now. So you flip the script and you use that to YOUR advantage and make him crazy over you.

In the meantime, read this:

http://www.psmag.com/culture-society/uncertainty-heightens-romantic-attraction-26363/

and this:

http://blog.lib.umn.edu/wlas0006/1001a/Uncertainty%20Heightens%20Romantic%20Attraction.pdf; November 23, 2012 at 9:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Girl w/ Gemini drama,
Well, I don't think it was a good idea because now you have to go back to square one with "no contact" and you've just reassured him that you're still there, waiting and thinking about him. So it set you back a bit because everytime you contact a man, he's reassured you're still there. So there's no reason for him to think about you or worry about you. He feels good because he knows you're still waiting. And the point of "no contact" is to make him worry you may be gone. That's how it works. You want him to think you may be gone and moving on. You want him to be uncertain about you. Because uncertainty heightens romantic attraction (which is why men use that on women every damn day knowing that worrying about someone increases you're attraction for them - so when you contact them, there's now nothing to worry about and nothing to heighten the attraction for you because he's now reassured you're still there.)

Read this:

http://www.psmag.com/culture-society/uncertainty-heightens-romantic-attraction-26363/

In order for this to work, you've got to stay away and make him worry you're gone.; November 23, 2012 at 9:16 AM
Anonymous said...: Girl w/Gemini drama

Thanks Mirror! Dang, now I'm upset that I did that but thank you for reassuring me once again that "no contact" is the best thing for me to do at this point, regardless of the occasion. This time I'm definitely going to check out that article and stick to my guns!

You really don't know how awesome you are and how much I appreciate your advice!; November 23, 2012 at 11:06 AM
Anonymous said...: Is it too late? I wish I had read your site earlier!! You should have a 1-800 #! LOL My story is not much different but hope you can steer me right. Met a guy, we clicked, gave him phone number on Sat, he called me Wed. morn. Talked a few times on phone and he always called. Started dating and had about 5 dates, no contact, got to know him and enjoyed that. On our 6th date, sparks flew and that was it, passion unleashed, did the deed. For the next couple of weeks it was great. He called, I called back and I called, he was responsive. Then the next week, I called, no response for 5 days. I did not really sweat it because I am not in love but was puzzled. I made him call me for 2 days straight before responding. Some bullshit excuse but not bullshit enough to call him on so let it go on. It has been slowly waning, him calling less and less. WTF?? I called him last week and spoke to him but he had to go and said he would call me back. No call. Yesterday I said this is crap. Left a message saying not sure what going on with him but whatever it is to let me know. I said I don't want to be uncomfortable running into him so hope he can just tell me the deal as it's not that serious. Our friendship should come first and I hoped to hear form him. Of course, no response. I am never calling his mixed-message ass again!! I swear that to you but it makes me so mad. You be direct and they go running when that is what they said they liked about you in the first damn place! Grrr... I don't even know how to call this one as I guess I was wrong and I was the only one who thought we were good friends. But I do know, I am not calling. What do you think? Is this the right way to roll? Appreciate it and keep up the good work!!! Thanks!; November 23, 2012 at 1:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh btw, he is a sagittarius and from your last post, somewhere between progressed and non-progressed. I would think closer to non-progressed, LOLOLOL!; November 23, 2012 at 1:13 PM
Anonymous said...: @mirror from cancer seeking advice
Thank you so very much for your help. It means a great deal and has helped me calm down and try to relax. I realize my mistakes and will take a few steps back. Your a great help to many people... Many many thanks :); November 23, 2012 at 1:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh dearest Mirror. Sadly, I am back...LOL.

Just to refresh your memory: I wasn't too happy with the Libra Guy's actions the past month, so I initiated a mini-break to give myself time/space away from him for a breather.

I didn't give him any explanation; I just poofed.

I wanted to go for a full month, but I started missing him and wanting to reach out after a week, so I texted him a carefree apology.

Surprisingly - he texted me literally seconds later! Very full on excited that I was back, he was all OMG where were you, and then gave me kisses.

I texted back minutes later explaining that I had a lot to do (basically super busy) and that I was going to Vegas next month but wasn't looking forward to it. Then I asked how he was.

Then, silence.

Seeing that he didn't respond, the next day I followed up with a heart emoticon.

Again, silence. He disappeared on me all week. I last texted him on Sunday, and now it's Friday. I likely won't hear from him this weekend either. And I won't prompt him further.

I don't know if my intuition is right or not - but it feels a lot like he's "getting back" at me for ignoring him the entire week, and not responding to his needy text about where I was going.

That or he realizes since I'll be in Vegas next month, it means I won't be moving there anytime soon, and he's putting me to the side. What are your thoughts?

As you said, most men resurface... and I'm fairly certain he WILL respond eventually, but I've reached a point where I am considering if he's worth keeping around or not.

Him distancing this time around doesn't make me miss him more; I actually feel really annoyed, because it feels like he's doing it as payback.

Reciprocating by being sweet earlier didn't seem to do anything (he distanced himself for 3 days), and being distant myself (my 1 week break) didn't seem to work and even seems to have backfired.

I haven't tried being blunt, but it'll look like I'm waiting around for him if I follow up with yet another text message - so I'm not doing that.

F***! Seriously I just want to go back to the time when we were both having fun and being sweet to each other, and keeping it nice and light. Is this recoverable, when he does respond? Or am I just wasting my time now - and should drop all hope?

Thanks again!

- Vivian; November 23, 2012 at 5:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
Well one week is hardly enough time for a man to really miss you or think about you enough to take action. Most sites that discuss "no contact" regarding dating suggest 30 days. A week was only enough for him to think, "Hmm, wonder where she is?" And then, poof, there you were.

So you basically reassured him that you're still there, hanging on. Now - he doesn't have to do anything.

Google "no contact" and read up about it. It does work, but you have to give it a good length of time to do so. Check out this piece:

http://www.empowernetwork.com/lizsaladin/no-contact-does-work-for-many-reasons/

And this one:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Ignore-Him-And-Use-The-No-Contact-Rule-To-Get-Him-Back---Great-Tips-To-Bring-Your-Ex-Running-Back&id=5099397; November 23, 2012 at 6:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 23 1:12PM,
Yes, "no contact" bring them right back to your door. Sit tight for the next month, don't contact him, and there's a high chance he'll come back.; November 23, 2012 at 6:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 23 1:12PM,
Oh I forgot to mention, having a Sag disappear on you for a while is par for the course with them. They're considered "the bachelors" of the Zodiac according to Sextrology and referred to as a wild "mustang" by many others.

They don't like to be hemmed in or made to feel obligated to do things.

But sit tight and he'll come back to the corral.; November 23, 2012 at 6:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much for the links! I've seen NC mentioned a lot on relationship forums to get back an ex, but I've never really thought of doing it with a guy I'm barely even dating.

One thing I don't understand is...let's say, I initiate 30 days of NC, and then reach out again.

Then he'll still know that I'm there, and there's probably no one special in my life.

Unless you mean initiate NC, and WAIT for the guy to reach out first?

I just don't understand how that inspires a man to take any action, if the reason he disappeared was because he had reassurance I was still around (if I do come back around 30 days later).

Also, if I do start NC, do I start NOW or when he actually texts me back?

- Vivian; November 23, 2012 at 9:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,
I'm back with updates but I think I may have put myself in the opposite direction of what I had hoped for. I mistakenly did exactly what you had told me NOT to do which was - "let him in SLOWLY. You don't jump in and pick right up where you left off. You make him prove to you that he's genuinely interested. You hang back a bit, you let him come to you, don't always make yourself available to him and you take control this time."

Yes I did reread the article and from there everything seemed be getting better. He was initiating our conversations, flirted, took the time to come and see me, called when I asked him to, and he was treating me well. But just as when things started to get good, the good got bad again and I think it's because I made the mistake of making myself too available for him again. I feel like the moment I let my guard down, he's up to no freaken good :/ I mean we talked through our differences. I made sure to tell him that he really needed to work on his issues or else he'd only continue to act in deficient and dishonest ways that'll only hurt him and others, including myself. And from there, we started to take things slow but then that somehow manifested into us talking/writing to each other every day -_-

Thanksgiving wkend was coming near so that meant time spent with the family. :) BUSY BUSY BUSY. He also had plans with his family and then afterwords him and his guys were taking a trip to MI to go play at a football tournament. At first I was cool with it, I mean why not? Sounds fun. Although the thought of girls did come up but I didn't want to worry about it. So I wished him a fun trip with his guys and a great Thanksgiving. After having wished each other a good Thanksgiving, we stopped contacting each other. Slowly I began seeing him commenting on other girls pictures on fbook calling them, "gorgeous." And then on facebook I also found out that there were going to be GIRLS hanging out with him and his friends at their hotel room. Great! I know how his guys are around women and I know how he is around his guys. It seems to me that he's still keeping his options open and I don't want to be apart of that. If he's talking to me, he needs to know that it can only be me. Nothing in between.

I'm just so confused now. Everything's so messed up. He's messed up. I can't keep up with him anymore. I need him to be serious about this and for a moment he was. He gave me his undivided attention and what not but as of right now, it just seems like he wants to have fun and fool around all over again. I mean being out of town and hanging with attractive single women? C'mon. * Trust me I have my resources and he was for sure talking to single women. The only reason why I didn't question him so much about this trip is because I felt like I didn't have the need to. I actually fooled myself into thinking that I could trust him. Jokes on me I guess. I'm just so exhausted and pissed off at the same time. Is it too late to take up on your advice and do things the right way? Initiate no contact, have him run to me, and everything else? Or have I ruined things for good? Please list the steps of what I should do so that I'm well informed this time around. I'm just so sick of being put down and not feeling good enough for him. I need to set my boundaries and he needs to know what those boundaries are but I don't want to come off as needy/emotional/and insecure. Please help me. I don't want to get myself lost in this relationship again. The focus is always on HIM and for once I would love it if he could just focus on ME. Please Mirror of Aphrodite, help. :(

-KissMyAss; November 24, 2012 at 2:10 AM
miss_sunshine said...: miss_sunshine here again!

it's been a while but i came back to check on other stories because everything seems so enlightening here. my story short (the aries girl with the taurus co-worker), we still work together (broke up early august) and had again several conversations (he initiated them) at work about why i keep him at a distance. he seems to be "blaming" me for his cold attitude and he's avoidance to contact me outside our work place. LOL!! he's been telling me that he wished i were more open to him and that i didn't shut him down as a FRIEND. my response was a sweeter version of "don't give me the bullshitting let's be friends; you really meant something to me as man, i will not have you as just a friend when you had me as a woman and you dropped me on my a$$". he doesn't like it. plus, i mentioned 1-2 times that if he really cares about me as he says he does and is concerned with what is happening to me, he could pretty well contact me when we're not at work. again he blamed me by saying i am the one who keeps him at a distance, because every time he makes a step to come closer i put him off. that's BS again, because cronering me at work is not necessarily a step closer to me; i believe he could do way better than that and call me like any other guy who wants to know about me. he did not call me, not once since our break-up. he knows he'll see me at work 5 days a week, where he can corner me to ask me stupid things, so that seems to be enough for him. but not for me. am i right?

i keep ignoring him as much as i can and luckily we didn't have to work on any project to close up. so it's basically just let's be decent colleagues.
the issue is that i know his ex girlfriend has returned in his life and he told another colleague that he doesn't know what to do about her. there's plenty of gossiping in our office so the info has reached my ears, although he clearly didn't want it.

the thing is, last week we had another talk at work, shorter that usual, where i told him i am really disappointed to see this cold and hypocritical attitude in him, that i am sad to see how wrong i was about him in the first place and how he says one thing and does completely smth else. and he defended himself by saying that i should not judge him without facts and that i was not wrong about him. he's the same guy i liked in the first place. i dropped it. he gave me a shoulder pat (puppy-like) and told me we'll talk about it soon.

he did not tell me, not even once since our break-up, that he regrets our separation, and he seems to be uncertain about EVERYTHING. pretty insecure for a 32 yo guy, don't you think? i guess that says it all. he does not fully miss having me in his life, as a woman. friendship is unacceptable to me at this point.

am i on the right track?

i've had my ups and downs these past few months, it's exhausting to be forced to see him everyday. makes it harder not to think of him. but luckily i seem to handle it pretty well and hopefully i'll get another job next year.

is this normal behavior for a taurus guy? i mean, does all his attitude mean that he still does not know where to place me in his life? he kept telling me that it hurts when i say he treated me like i meant nothing to him. he's mouth says i do mean a lot to him, yet his actions speak another language. he cannot be that stupid as to ignore the fact that i told him i am not going to be his best friend in the world if things go bad between us romantically. it's a self-esteem thing for me. he seems to be off track pretty bad, emotionally i mean. top of the top, he told me i seem so much stronger than him. what the hell does that mean?

i guess i am at cross roads here. i feel i have a tough decision ahead of me. move on or wait for some further clarification with him?
what would be my best attitude towards this situation?

thanks in advance and keep up the excellent work.
best of luck; November 24, 2012 at 8:34 AM
elcaliente said...: I'm a Libra woman in my 50's that has been in an exclusive relationship with a Capricorn man, also in his 50's. We've had an amazing relationship since the beginning. No issues, no disagreements, just a lovely connection that evolved into a good friendship as well.

In the 5+ years we have been together, my Capricorn ex was always in contact with me. Rarely would a day pass when we did not speak many times or see each other. He lives not far from me, and until about a year ago we had a very passionate and intimate relationship as well. However, last year his adult son moved back to the area, and moved in with his father. Our intimate time was interrupted by this "homecoming" as my Capricorn ex intimated that he wasn't ready to openly announce the relationship we shared in front of his son. Our relationship was rendered to a more platonic level, since we had little opportunity to be "together" as we had before the son arrived.
Earlier this year, when I noticed my ex becoming a little less affectionate with me in our normal day-to-day encounters. He has a part-time job in the winter in the ski industry which takes him away on weekends until April. This season I noticed he made less attempts to be in touch with me while gone. Naturally this caused me to be a little concerned, but I was awaiting the end of the season in order to address this with him in person. Before I had the opportunity to do so, in April 2012, during one of our daily conversations my Capricorn ex announced that he was no longer attracted to me. I asked him how long he had been feeling that way, and he announced that he'd first noticed it about a month prior. I asked if a little time apart might help and he agreed, with the codicil that he wasn't sure how much time. I should mention that the week prior to this announcement, he had walked away from buddies he had spent weekly bonding time with, stating that he had realized that he was the brunt of their jokes and jibes. He intimated that they made him feel old. Several months prior he had got a tattoo and begun to grow his hair long. He announced that he wasn't happy in general and did not know why he no longer felt blessed to have a nice home, a good career and a woman like me in his life.

I began what I thought would be a short period of limited contact. 60 days into that period, after only a couple of friendly exchanges by text, I had need to speak with the Capricorn man on the phone and that is when I learned that he perceived our 5 1/2 year romance as over. I was stunned. At the end of that call he announced that he loved me more than a best friend and cherished the friendship we shared and hoped that we could continue to do the things we'd done in the platonic phase of our relationship to include talking, and playing golf, walking etc. I agreed and confirmed this in an email I sent to him afterwards letting him know that while I was devastated that the relationship was over, I didn't wish to lose the friendship that had evolved either.

Within days of that conversation it became evident to me that my ex was actually spending the vast majority of his time with another female (Taurus) that he'd clearly met during his weekend trips during the winter. While I am aware of this new relationship, he has no idea that I know. He has continued to essentially abandon all people he had any type of association with prior to meeting the Taurus woman and has spent every weekend with her at her home about 90 miles from where we both live. What is particularly distressing is that it is clear that his son, who still lives with my ex, must be aware that his father is having an intimate relationship with someone, due to his frequent absence from their home, and yet it had been something he was not inclined to do with me in the last year.; November 24, 2012 at 10:35 AM
elcaliente said...: continued...
75 days passed with no contact from my Cappy ex and no contact from me either. Over Labor Day, I sent a text to wish him a happy holiday. No response. Then on my birthday (10/4) I received the first contact from my ex. A call that was to wish me a Happy Birthday which lasted 20 minutes and was full of questions as to how I was doing and what I had been doing. I was honest and indicated that it had been a tough time for me, with family illnesses and of course the way he had not only ended our relationship, but also with the fact that the friendship he'd claimed to cherish being snuffed out as well. His response was that he "had hurt me so much". I'm not sure what he meant by that, but perhaps it was difficult for him to reach out to someone he had treated so badly. At the end of the conversation he asked if I would meet him for coffee in the next week. Naturally, I agreed.
Coffee did not happen until several weeks later, and without much forewarning as well. We met and I was greeted with an "Aunt Martha" hug instead of a kiss. Disappointing naturally, but I kept my composure and smiled and engaged in conversation. We chatted effortlessly about what we had been up to for the 6 months that had passed, but there was an "elephant" in the room, as my Cappy ex explained places he'd visited without one mention of her name, or that he was dating someone else. He spoke of a trip to Colorado that I know he went on with her, and yet no mention of her or that he is dating at all. No questions posed to me that would indicate any curiosity either (except for the numerous times in the Birthday call that he said "what else is going on, what else is going on?"). My take away from the coffee meeting was that I was completely unsure of his motivation. Had he been interested in reconciling, I thought he would have complimented me or been more affectionate or more direct. Had he been interested in restoring the friendship that had been abandoned, I would have thought he would have been forthright about the state of his love life and that he is in a committed relationship to make sure I did not have any false hope. We parted with my ex suggesting that we have lunch sometime, but no specific plans were made as to when, save for his comment that "he would not let so much time pass this time". I left feeling happy I had seen him, sad that I had been forced to put on a good face and therefore he had no idea how the circumstances had hurt me so deeply. Tears began rolling down my face the moment he turned his back and walked away because the meeting was not what I had hoped it would be. (at this juncture I should share that my Cappy ex had taken a "walkabout" 3 years prior for a period of 47 days, but he did not change his appearance then; he did not abandon his drinking buddies during that time; he did not spend the vast majority of the nights sleeping elsewhere, there was no other woman then; he posted similar inspirational quotes on Facebook just prior to re-emerging; he re-emerged with an unexpected invite to coffee, but it was evident then that he wished to get back together again, and within days we were back where we had been and in an intimate relationship once more). This time NOTHING like that happened!
Now one month has passed since the coffee meeting and no further contact from the ex and none from me to him either. From appearances, I believe he is still spending all of his free time with the Taurus woman since he is never home, and he has not posted anything on Facebook to all the buddies that have inquired as to his whereabouts either.; November 24, 2012 at 10:36 AM
elcaliente said...: continued....
Then in mid November, my Cappy ex did "like" two inspirational quotes on Facebook. The first quote he liked on Facebook was I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, but I don't need to be. I am the way God made me. Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away!". Then a day later he liked the following quote on Facebook: "As you waste your breath complaining about life, someone out there is probably breathing their last. APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE. Be thankful and stop complaining. Live more, complain less. Have more smiles, less stress. Less hate, become more blessed.". My Cappy ex has never acknowledged the relationship he has had with the Taurus woman on Facebook, although, quite naturally she is on his list of friends (but her page is private). I'm not sure what my Cappy ex's purpose was to have this rather unexpected activity on Facebook. I have wondered if it is simply that he is coming to terms with himself, or perhaps it was a message to the Taurus woman or if it is pointed to me, for some reason. I question how he can be "proud of himself" after treating me so badly.
The Saturday before Thanksgiving I called Cappy ex to share some exciting news about a philanthropic activity that I am involved in and took that opportunity to state that I hoped he was well and that he have a good Thanksgiving. Of course, I received no response - not even a text to thank me and wish me the same.
I find the one quote he liked rather peculiar. If, indeed, my Cappy ex is trying to bolster his feelings of self-worth, how could he be "proud of who he is" after treating me so badly?
In reading these posts about "no contact" I feel I have already done that to no avail. Have I ruined any possible chance of reconciliation by being the "friend" he asked me to be? If no contact is recommended, how can I do that as December will be difficult. Not only is it the holiday season, when it is normal for friends to wish each other well, but on 12/28 it is Cappy's birthday, and to ignore that event could be perceived as being discourteous on my part. Something I would never wish to convey as it is not in my nature.
Do I even have a chance with this man that I love so much? What is going on with him, and how what should I do to promote the best chances of reconciliation?
Mirror of Aphrodite, I appreciate any help you can offer, as I am running out of ideas here.........; November 24, 2012 at 10:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
NC works because it jump starts this thought process in a man:

Where is she?
Is there another man?
Is she gone?

It jump starts "worry" in them. And when someone worries about another alot, they think about them constantly (as you're doing right now with this guy.) And when someone thinks about someone else constantly and is uncertain as to how they feel about them (much like you're doing with this guy), those thought processes actually generate a high attraction to that person. People generally desperately want what they can't have. And when that happens, they go to great lengths to seek it out.

Manufacturers play on this psychological trait every day with consumers in the marketplace. Read the portion of this article about the "Law of Scarcity." It's real and it's true and it works. Which is why it's used on consumers by manufacturers in the marketplace everyday.

I'm not quite sure how it is that you can't understand how this works psychologically. Because it's working on you right now at this very moment. The fact that this guy is "hard to get" has you thinking about him constantly. And all that thinking is making you more attracted to him. And that increased attraction and the worry that he may not want you has you desperately trying to figure out ways to win him over.

It's being used, and working, on YOU as we speak. So what makes you think it can't work to YOUR advantage as well?

You initiate NC now. You wait for him to contact you, and you don't respond right away. You wait. Then when you do respond - you will have his full attention - and most likely, get an IMMEDIATE response back.

Picture it this way. NC is being used on you as we speak. It has generated a huge amount of attraction from you towards this man. So when you finally hear from him, doesn't your heart skip a beat and you get all excited?

This same psychological factor works on men, too. Because people always desperately want what they can't have.; November 24, 2012 at 10:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KissMyAss,
No contact was working for you there. You just jumped back in too soon, which reassured him he had you. Just like you said.

So if you want his attention again, you disappear again. Only this time, when he contacts you, you don't respond for 3 days. And when you do, you keep it short, "Been so busy. Was great hearing from you. We'll have to get together soon. TTYL!" And then, poof, you disappear again. If he responds and says, "Sure, when?" You ignore that. You again answer in 3 days. "Hey, how are ya?" And you don't suggest a get together. You make HIM do that. Make HIM do the work. Make HIM prove to you that he's interested.

When he rings your phone, you don't answer. And then you call back 24 hours later. When he texts you, you don't respond for 3 days. You seriously pull back here.

You make HIM work for this. And if he doesn't and he bails, then he wasn't worth dating anyway as he was only half interested.; November 24, 2012 at 10:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KissMyAss,
One other thought. Yes, his options are open. But so ARE YOURS. There are no commitments here. No one is exchanging "I love you." There has been no talk about being exclusive with one another (as far as I know.) When these three things do not take place:

1) Agreement to be exclusive with one another
2) I love you's being exchanged
3) Agreement to commit to one another

Then you DO NOT have an exclusive relationship. Both parties options ARE open. Including yours. And you should be taking full advantage of that by dating other men. It would keep you from obsessing over this one, give you other options to look forward to, you'll have other guys to talk to and receive attention from which will make you feel good, and he'll see you as valuable and desirable if he gets wind that other men want you, too.

Everyone's options are open here, honey. Including yours.; November 24, 2012 at 10:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @miss_sunshine,
Good for YOU!!! You're on the right track here for sure. And what you're going to find out is - is he genuine about his feelings for you or not? And if the answer is no, you've done a fantastic job of holding your own in this relationship here and not getting used or run over like road kill.

So good for you!! Girls, take a listen here, ok? She's on the right track. Yes, she may lose him, but if that happens, he wasn't worth having anyway and she saved herself from being hurt here. THAT'S how you hold your own with a man.

He said you were stronger than him. I love it!! And you know why he said that? Because it's true - and because he sees that in you. He's attempting to manipulate you into being weak with him, so he can have his way with you. You're not falling for that BS crap that men play on women's emotions - and as a result, you're not letting yourself be used or hurt by him. Again, excellent!!

And no matter how much he makes it like you being strong is a bad thing - it's a good thing and he knows it. Men are attracted to that big time in a woman.

And yes, he's VERY insecure. And insecure men behave strangely with women. Their insecurities bring out some pretty bizarre words and behaviors in men. And you're not falling for any of it, I love it. And you're listening to your guy, again fantastic. That's what it's there for. To protect you.

Bottom line: All that talking he's doing, placing blame on you, pointing a finger at you - it's all emotional manipulation. Nothing more. He's attempting to manipulate you emotionally so that he can have control here. If you fall in line and let yourself be manipulated, he'll put you in his "rotation" of women, and use you, and then disappear on you. That's what he wants. He wants control and he wants you to be available to him when he wants you to be. All that crap talk is manipulation to get you right where he wants you. It's all bull.

And I wonder . . . read this article, copy and paste this into your browser and see if he has 5 or more of the traits listed here in this article titled "Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath:"

http://paularenee.wordpress.com/identifying-a-narcissistic-sociopath/

They use tons of manipulation and strive to control others. And in our society today, there are 3.5 million sociopaths in America alone - one in 25 are suffering from narcissistic sociopathic personality disorder. And I'm wondering if he isn't a candidate for this as he's attempting a ton of emotional manipulation with you?

Check it out, see what you think.

And have faith girl, you're doing the right thing by being strong, which he's acknowledge and which is always a good thing, never bad - and you're protecting yourself from being victimized by him emotionally.

Always good things - have faith that carrying yourself like that will attract someone to yourself that will do the same for you.; November 24, 2012 at 11:13 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @elcaliente,
Well, this may or may not be over. There's a 50/50 chance here in my opinion. But one thing that jumps out to me, and one I'd like to point out to you is - this ultimately has NOTHING to do with you. He's even turned his back on old friends as well, so this isn't personal. Personally, it reeks of a mid-life crisis to me. And just as he somewhat tired of his relationship with you, he may very well do the same with her someday - which is when you will hear from him again.

I think you've done all the right things here with the NC you've done. That way, you haven't ruined any chances of reconciliation someday by acting like an emotionally unbalanced woman. You've stood tall here and that will not go unnoticed by him in the long run. Had you behaved needy and emotionally, there'd be no chance of reconciliation. So you've done the right thing there and you've held onto a chance of reconciliation by behaving in a cool, calm and collected manner, handling the breakup as a strong woman should, rather than crumbling. Deep down, I'm sure he's impressed with that.

But because he's going through something personal here, there's nothing you can really do at the moment to change that. Whatever it is that he's going through, he has to go through is all. I feel like he felt old, so he shed his old life and got a new identity and a new girlfriend. But what he may soon find is - you can change your appearance all you want, you can change your partner all you want - but you know what? You still end up having the same problems and experiences in the long run. There's an old saying:

"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence - but you still have to mow it."

You still have to tend to ANY relationship as you do ALL relationships. Changing partners doesn't change how relationships are. It's just a different person, same relationship stuff though. And if/when he pulls back on her, she may unravel and behave very emotionally. THAT'S when he'll compare her to you - and you'll stand taller than her in his eyes, because of how composed and emotionally strong you've been. That's what I mean when I say, it won't go unnoticed by him in the long run. Because as good as things may be with him and her right now, let's face it, it's still a relationship. It still requires work, it still requires maintenance. There's no way around that.

I'd suggest you date other men. Try online dating if you haven't already. But here's the thing, don't expect to meet Mr. Right there. Online dating can be a bit of a whack-a-doo scene, however, it's great for meeting people, getting out of the house, out of your head and socializing and being complimented and appreciated by other men. So if you go into it with the attitude of "I'm just going to meet men and have some fun" you'll do good with it.

And I think it will be a nice distraction for you from this situation, to receive attention from other men right now. It'll help you to distance yourself from this situation and feel better about yourself. But realize, you're going to come across a few nut jobs online LOL, but you don't give up. You keep moving forward and just enjoy yourself is all.

And in time, when this relationship fizzles or suffers a bit of a crumble - I think you're going to be the stable one that he returns to.; November 24, 2012 at 11:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @elcaliente,
One other thought . . you're doing half of NC right now. You're doing the half where you're not contacting him. You may want to include the other half of NC, which is - not be available to him.

You see, when he does reach out and you're right there and understanding and all - he doesn't worry you've moved on or that he may have lost you for good. Which is why it's a good idea to date other men - to make him realize someone else can come along and steal you away. So he better stop and think, does he really want to lose you?

Next time he contacts you, try this. Try not responding for a week, possibly two. He needs to realize that YOU'RE NOT going to always be there for him forever. You will move on someday. He needs to worry he may lose you for good. And the only way he's going to do that is if he sees you with someone else and if you're no longer there for him.

Being there for him all the time reassures him that he can have you back whenever he decides he wants you back. You need to shock him and send a message that - you may be gone for good and he may have lost you forever.

And the only way to get him thinking like that - is to disappear. Don't answer the calls, don't answer the texts, don't "like" anything of his on Facebook and don't respond to any calls or texts. Be gone.

And let him think about that. If you do that, he may panic when the reality sets in that he may have lost you. It's a last ditch effort here on your part to make him realize he may have lost you.

So next time, no response. Not for a solid week or two - possibly not at all. If you don't respond at all and you hear from him a week or two later, and he makes more and more attempts to contact you because you're not responding to him - that'll have him worried you may be gone for good. And he may amp up his efforts with you again.; November 24, 2012 at 11:39 AM
Anonymous said...: I've got to pull back, gotcha. And yes I know that both of our options are still open and I have no right to claim something that wasn't mine to begin with. But even if our options are open, I hoped that if he was put in a situation where he was surrounded by a bunch of single ladies, that he'd know how to handle himself because I'd be the only one who he was interested in or thinking about. I guess I just expected more from him, given everything we've been through. :/ All this on and off again ... I just thought that maybe this time would be different. The real thing, ya know? We've had talks about us before, nothing exclusive but it's gotten to the point where both of our feelings were expressed about the other person. Caring for the other person and such.

So am I the one who's over-thinking/over-analyzing everything? Am I over-reacting and falling too hard? I pull back, he comes running, I let my guard down, and he goes wandering around again ... it's like a never ending cycle of the same shit. (excuse my language) So how do I let him know that i'm being serious? That if I pull back and he comes chasing me, then it's only GOT to be me? Without sounding demanding and all ...

- kissmyass; November 24, 2012 at 1:08 PM
elcaliente said...: Mirror,
Thanks for the helpful suggestions and I shall implement them, of course. I did have an additional question:
In your earlier posts you suggested that NC has amazing results - somewhere nearing the 90% mark, yet in my sad case, it appears my chances are only 50%. Would you care to share with me why my case is so unusual? It's daunting to think that I have less of a chance than most, especially after I have tried to be as strong as I can.

Also, can I presume that since Xmas and Cappy ex's birthday are in the coming month that I do not reach out to acknowledge them? Will he perceive me as being rude? Or do you think these are two events that could actually work to my advantage if he doesn't reach out to me in the meantime?

Thanks for all of your help. I trully appreciate it.; November 24, 2012 at 1:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KissMyAss,
Yes, you're over thinking and over analyzing this. It's too premature, there are no commitments in place and no one has agreed to be exclusive here. So you can't expect something that no one has agreed to, ya' know?

You let him know you're serious through your actions. If he treats you poorly and misbehaves, he doesn't get your attention. It's as simple as that. You never reward bad behavior by showering someone with attention and affection.

And you can't force someone into a commitment. How do you let him know it has to only be you? You don't sleep with him if he's seeing other women. That simple. You casually date him (casual = no sex) is all. You say nothing, you let your actions do the talking. If he drops seeing the other women and starts to focus on you - that's the only time he's rewarded with "the goods."; November 24, 2012 at 2:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @elcaliente,
First, no . . no holiday or birthday wishes. Why reward a man who has rejected you with your affections and attention? Never do that. If your child or dog misbehaved - would you give them a treat? No.

And why do you care if a man who has rejected you perceives you as rude? Don't you think it's rude for him to reject you and dump you? Who cares what he thinks? He NEEDS to think. That's the problem here. You're so available to him all the time, it gives him nothing to think about, nothing to worry about. Again, you do not reward bad behavior with a treat. Instead, you mirror their behavior - ignorance and rudeness receives ignorance and rudeness back. You don't have to be mean, you just stop giving him your attention is all.

And you focus on yourself here. Not him. It's always all about him. It needs to be about you now.

Lastly, you have a 50/50 chance here because of one extenuating circumstance that differs from most others in this situation and that is:

He didn't just flake out and disappear on YOU. He flaked out and disappeared on OTHERS as well. Which is an indicator that he's going through something personal, a crisis, so-to-speak. And that changes things and makes this situation a bit different and somewhat out of your control.; November 24, 2012 at 2:20 PM
elcaliente said...: Mirror,
Thanks again for your words of wisdom. I do sense that my Cappy ex is going through something akin to a mid-life crisis, and I also understand your recommendation that one does not reward bad behaviour and will bear that in mind.

Do you think, though, that in view of the fact that this situation might be something that is more like a personal crisis, or an emotional melt down, it calls for a modified approach? I certainly want to take the right step, but at the same time I don't wish to desert someone in his time of need. Or doesn't that matter at this time and the NC rules still apply, regardless?; November 24, 2012 at 2:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @elcaliente,
No, the circumstance of his situation doesn't change things here. Bottom line is, it was his decision to let you go.

And he needs to live with the consequences of that decision - you rarely have your cake and eat it too in life. We all have to live with the consequences of our decisions and protecting him from suffering those consequences won't help him grow.

You're not his therapist. You're not his wife and you're not his girlfriend. You don't owe him anything so you need to stop feeling so obligated to him. He's showing you no obligation here. And all of the support and coddling is somewhat "mothering" to a man. When that happens, they love you like a sister or a mother - but they will not have the hots for you like some lover who keeps them on their toes (which men happen to like - a lot). So don't mother him here.

The only support you need to give him as a friend right now (because let's face it, this is only a casual friendship at this point) - is to be there in the case of an emergency. That's it. You don't need to coddle him or support him or provide therapy to him.

You need to let him go through whatever it is that he's going through - alone and on his own - living with the consequences of his behavior and his own decisions.

That's the only way people grow - by learning from their mistakes. Let him grow, let him learn.

It was his choice to be without you. So let him live with that for right now.; November 24, 2012 at 2:42 PM
elcaliente said...: Mirror,
OK thank you for confirming that. I will proceed as recommended.; November 24, 2012 at 2:52 PM
miss_sunshine said...: thanks for the reassurance! this right track feels pretty hard to keep but, what the heck, i'd rather keep my integrity than have a punk (lol) walk all over it.

the thing with him is that he's emotionally unstable and therefore twists everyone's mind and feelings along with his own. but he's not having it quite as a serious disorder (read the article.. most of those specifications do not apply in his case). somehow he seems to be harming himself more than others... but he does have a need to keep things in control. his stability is easily shaken and by keeping people at arm's length, he feels secure (but that's just an illusion, and he's not aware of it). i've recently learned, from him!!, how he has ruined most of his relationships with this cold and hot act he's pulling and this constant hesitance. it must be his favorite game. funny isn't it! well, i'm not joining "the club for desperate ex girlfriends", that's for sure. i'm starting my own club :)))

analyzing him is somehow pointless, i guess. what interests me is what a person does, since we all have emotional luggage that we carry throughout our lives, and not why he cannot do it. but basically i've done my best trying to understand him and accept his way of doing things. what i cannot accept, ever, are HALF measures. why would someone accept only tiny bits of someone else's love and affection?!

well, my conclusion is that this guy hasn't really fallen for me in the first place. otherwise he would have been completely disturbed if he lost me, wouldn't you think?(he's attitude is and was somehow relaxed from the beginning, but given he is a bull he hides his feelings behind this laid-back mask ... or so i think). if he took my involvement for granted, i believe he should get ready to observe me from a distance and figure in he's own mind what the hell he wants. the though of seeing him move on to the next "victim" hurts like hell, i tell you. yet, the thought of being treated as anything less than his priority hurts even more. i guess my mind is already made :)

i'm trying my best to learn to be a little more relaxed when is comes to this emotional turmoil. but you see, aries people like me have raging fire in them and that's not an easy task. relaxation must be the best attitude, right?

:D; November 25, 2012 at 5:51 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, thanks for your input to women out there trying to find their way through this new age of dating. Just pondering... I know several women, including myself, that slept with a guy on the third or fourth date. Sparks just flew.. And it happened. In my case, it went on to be a 2 year relationship (which ended a few years ago). Other friends even married their man. Thinking back on it, I didn't really think about having a relationship, it just happened. Do you think that's why it happened for me? I mean, as I've aged, I've become mores cautious and guarded about getting hurt ,so I haven't felt as free and giving with myself as I was in that relationship. I knew deep down I didn't want to get married at that time, so I didn't hold back and play no contact etc. or even try to find out if there was going to be a commitment. I remember even feeling kind of sad that, at first, as I felt "locked in" because I had slept with him. I did grow to love him, though, and it was good memories - no regrets.
My question is- do you think we are just trying too hard? Maybe I should just go with the flow and not worry about whether a guy is going to call after sex or not. It seems like I had better luck when I had that attitude. But as I've gotten older (divorced for 10 years now , not 3 years, like I was at that time) I find myself not as free as I once felt. I 'm just wondering if the "karma", so to speak - recognizes that I wasn't looking and it happened. At the same token, who wants to be burned? It's a bad feeling when you do like someone and they've used you... Had that once as well, but he was a player. Oh Dilemmas....; November 25, 2012 at 11:01 PM
librafemales inlove with scorpio male said...: hello again

i just wana share some thoughts

i tried as i said before to accept the fact that he wants us to be just friends (since october 24th) and burry our feelings inside of us .. initially this sounded as a relief over a total break up ... i know i cannot imagine a day without him so i thought ok whatever friendship will do

his reason for that is he felt guiltytowards his kids and wanted a chance with his x wife... so there was nothing left to say

although his x-wife is not giving him any chance for reconciliation

ever since october 24 he has been calling me twice or 3 times a day and texting me... as i said i do not call him ever; but i do attend to his calls.

he has adopted a cold attitude (usually due to his mood swings) but he has ommitted every intimate warm word and feeling we were used to

we used to see eachother almost every day very briefly but now of course maybe i saw him twice since

anyways what i am trying to say is ; i still love him more eachday and no way in hell is he a friend for me; at least to me... i thought i can maintain that friendship issue but i am dying

what shall i do?? i cannot kill my pride and open this subject for discussion... its like asking him " i want more" when he is satisfied with this much"

over the past month he has highlighted more than once that his x refuses to talk

it kills me that he has me second priority; that if his x chose to give him a chance i would be history???

over a year and a half we have shared wonderful feelings; i have heard the most sincere love and appreciation from him up to last september it was this way (at least i perceived it like that)

i cry every day on the memory of how he was !! and i am calmed by the hope inside me that maybe he will change back

i do appreciate that he keep a 3 or 4 times a day copntact but i do not know why he does?

he is a lonely person meaning he has zero friends in life ! he is a successful neorosurgeon btw

could it be he is clinging because i am the only person who seems to tolerate his moody attitude? his edginess??

if i do not pick up on him; doesnt that mean i am also ceasing the habit of being in touch? would i make it easier for him to lose me or maybe i wake up the feeling inside him that i am not a "friend"

he is keeping it an on the phone casual daily friendship ...........

i give him every excuse i find in the world; i love him so unconditionally... with humble expectations yet burning desire

i have a feeling in my heart that one day we will end up together

help me accomplish something or at least prove to myself the truth rather than hoping for a mirage

what shall i do ?? to bring back my lover and not my "friend"; November 26, 2012 at 3:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 25, 11:01PM,
Yea, I hear what you're saying. I've had those thoughts myself because I've done those things myself once upon a time. But there are a couple of variables now involved. First off, times have changed, even in the last 20 years or so. Dating has changed a great deal with women now being very aggressive about their sexuality. It makes men lazy and entitled. So now, they tend to disrespect women who do that and plow their way through them (because so many women are throwing themselves at men, so why stick with just one, ya' know?) This is why the "disappearing act" is now happening more than ever before. I've actually had men say to me, "Yea, the old days are gone. Things are equal now. Women work and want equality, but expect nice treatment. You can't have both. The old days are gone."

So these guys nowadays feel that they don't have to lift a finger for women - because now were equal and they're experiencing the effects of that (sexually liberated women) and they no longer feel the need to be respectful because of it. It's almost like it's spoiled many men with too much of a good thing. And because a majority of men now think this way, as a woman, you've got to be extremely careful with your feelings. I even had one man say to me, "I'm don't open doors for women, they're equal nowadays." They really don't feel the need to impress anymore at all because they're reaping the rewards of sexually liberated women and it's making them lazy and disrespectful. Which results in them being much more careless with your feelings these days.

On the same token, I do believe a woman can have sex on the 3rd or 4th day if she so chooses - however, she's got to be a strong woman to do so and she has to have no expectations from it. Meaning, if he disappears the next day, she won't fall apart. She'll go on about her business until he resurfaces without interruption and tears. But as you can see here, women connect emotionally via the physical act of sex. Men don't, women do. So having casual sex nowadays is kinda dangerous territory for many women. Because it brings a lot of emotional damage down on them. Then they beat themselves up, cry, and cannot lead a normal life without interruption.

So I suggest that if a woman is going to do that, she must know that there's only a 50/50 chance of it working and of him respecting her afterwards. If she's okay with that, then she can conduct herself like that. But the simple fact of the matter is, many women are not okay with that. Which is why I think it's safer for women to wait till the 8th or 9th date nowadays. So that the man really has a chance to view her as a person first, rather than an object. That way, he'll be more apt to at least consider her a friend should he decide to walk away, and not be quite as cold to her if that's what he decides to do.

The only real difference here though is an additional 4 or 5 dates really. Just a tad longer is all. I don't believe women should be making this so very easy for men to accomplish. I believe a guy should show interest, communicate regularly a couple times a week, ask for dates and make time for a woman - before he reaps rewards. It's really not that much to ask, however, for the modern day man, who doesn't want to lift a finger for anything and feels incredibly entitled - it's a lot to ask it appears. Which is sad.

So yes, you can be more open and take those chances sexually if you like - you just really need to be emotionally equipped to handle the outcome is all, should it suddenly go sour.

And as you can see here, from all these comments from women - it goes sour quite often. Which is why I don't recommend that.; November 26, 2012 at 8:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 26 3:10AM,
To be honest, I think he's doing you a favor here by not using you or becoming involved romantically with you. I hate to say this, I don't want to hurt you, but you asked and I think you need to consider the reality here - I believe you're a "rebound." I'm sorry. And I also believe he recognizes that and the fact that he still loves his wife. So he's not becoming involved because frankly, he's not emotionally available to you right now. His focus is on his ex.

He's using you as a therapist for support and someone to talk to. And if you two were to become romantically or sexually involved - yes, he would absolutely leave you for his wife, should she want him back. So be glad he's not doing that. He's actually respecting you here.

He keeps contact for support. For someone to talk to, to help him through the rough time and to fend off loneliness. I would not force anything romantic here right now if he's not ready and if his focus is on his ex. Because you'll only get hurt here.

But if all the contact is making you want him and actually hurting you or causing confused feelings - you don't have to do that for him. You're going to only set yourself up for pain. So I think maybe I'd still be there for him, but not as much. Instead of being available to him 3-4 times a day, try only once. You need to put some space between you and him - not for a relationship with him - but to protect yourself here, because you're becoming too emotionally involved - when he is not emotionally involved. And for the woman, that's never a good thing as it will only hurt.

And if he drift away and leaves, then you have your answer. If it wakes him up and he comes to realize that he may have romantic feelings for you other than friendship, he'll reveal that to you.; November 26, 2012 at 8:44 AM
Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 25, 11:01PM,
Here's an interesting article that concerns modern day dating, the women's liberation movement - and what's still expected of the modern day male when it comes to dating:

http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/shes_not_the_girl_your_father_would_have_dated.html; November 26, 2012 at 9:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Would a man freak out if he knows he is dating a virgin? I always wanted to have sex with only one man that too after marriage. Is it wierd in this time and age? Will this drive men away because after 3 or 4 dates they will find out that I am a virgin and they are not going to have their chance with me. I am in mid 30s and I believe in marriage and family.; November 26, 2012 at 9:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Contd..

I want to add that I am passionate and did make out with the guys I was dating at different points of time but I am not open to having sex with them and remained virgin. Is something wrong with me? or is this ok to wait for the right man, get married and have sex. please advise. Thanks; November 26, 2012 at 9:50 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I am back (Anonymous from July 31, 2012 2:32pm) and I need your help again. Since I last wrote to you I have been reading all the comments left here by other women and I really can’t believe how many of us are in similar positions! You really are a godsend to us so thank you so much for taking the time to respond to each and every one of us :)

So he returned from Europe and even though I hoped to hear from him, I didn’t. I waited about 2 weeks and after not hearing a word from him I caved and texted him. He said that he was back to work and really busy and he told me a bit about his trip. He even mentioned the girl that I saw him at the mall with and said that she is the only one who he took on his new motorcycle so far. I asked him if she was one of his backups (he actually joked with me before that he has other ‘backups’ for me) and he replied “I’m friends with everyone ; )”. We continued to talk a bit after that but then the convo ended with him leaving the convo first. The following week I texted him again because there was a motorcycle accident right outside my work and it made me worried about him so I contacted him ( I know I shouldn’t have!). This time the convo was super short and we both just said that we were busy. This time I left the convo first and he didn’t make an attempt to contact me again so I just left it.

I decided that I needed to try and move on so I went out on a few dates with other guys and I even went to Jamaica for a week with a friend. I think he knows that I went to Jamaica because I had it written down on my status (on this social chatting app) that I was there and then when I returned I also changed my status so he knew that I was back. The very next day that I returned I received a text from him (this is about a month and a half since we last spoke) saying that he just wanted to say hi and hoped that I was doing well. I knew I should’ve waited longer to reply but I responded about 20 minutes later. He went on to say that he thought that I had forgotten about him and then I told him that I had just come back from vacay yesterday.; November 26, 2012 at 10:16 AM
Anonymous said...: con'td

He then asked if I went alone or with another guy and I told him that I just went with another girl. After a bit of some other chatter he asked me in a joking way if I was gonna take him to mexico with me (he knows I have a free trip that I won that I still need to use) and I replied to him that I don’t know if he’s that lucky anymore. After that he wanted me to send a picture of myself to see if I had gotten a tan and at first I didn’t want to unless he sent one of him but since he didn’t cave I ended up sending a pic and told him that I dunno why I always end up giving into him! He responded by simply saying “I know. I always win ; )” That just pissed me off cause that was where the convo ended….I was going crazy because I felt that this was going on forever but I had a feeling that the only reason why he contacted me was to find out if I had moved on with another guy.

Anyway, fast forward a month later and I decided to text him because I thought I heard him on the radio. He responded about an hour later and he began asking how I was. I was kinda shocked because I was getting responses from him almost immediately after I would send my texts. At one point I joked that I would be moving somewhere warmer and he responded seconds later asking me where I was moving. Now that I think about it I think he actually thought I was being serious and perhaps the thought of me moving scared him a bit? Anyway this convo ended (with me leaving it first) and I haven’t heard from him since (that was last week). I am going to do the no contact thing with him again and wait for him to contact me but when he does I think I need to bring up the conversation about where we stand. It’s been almost 6 months since I broke up with my bf and I think that is enough time for me to have thought things through. I’m not going to ask him to jump into a relationship with me but I just want to go back to the way we were when we were still trying to get to know each other. Do you think its ok for me to bring up this convo with him? I know that he has feelings for me, I just think that he’s waiting on me to let him know that I’m actually ready.; November 26, 2012 at 10:16 AM
elcaliente said...: Mirror,
Your answers to me the other day were so on point, I wondered if you could offer me a little more guidance on just how to best play the very short hand I hold in the situation with my Cappy ex.

First, a little more information. I am beginning to think that I have a two-pronged issue to address with the Cappy ex. On the one hand it is becoming clear to me that while he does not exhibit classic symptoms of a commitment phobe (otherwise I doubt he would not have stayed 10 years longer than he wanted in the marriage), I still think that the 10 years had an huge impact on him and he is “fearful” of getting stuck again, in whatever relationship he enters. The first sign that the relationship has lost its zest, and he’s already thinking “how to I escape if it stays that way?”. At the same time, and I certainly believe this was the case throughout the entire year of 2011, in order to not get lured in too far and in a place where an “escape” is not possible, he keeps me at arms length in the hope that this will provide him with an “escape hatch” A quote he LIKED last year on Facebook asking if two people can ever stay in love forever, tells me that this is his fear. That fear is typically a fear of rejection. Either being rejected by the object of his desire, or being forced to reject because of his internal issues.

Add to this now, a midlife review, where he is questioning what he has done in his life and wants to regain his youth…and prove that he still is vital. This is why the new Taurus woman he has been devoting his every waking moment to in the last 10 months appeals to him. She’s energetic, and vital and doesn’t rest for a moment. When he is with her he feels young and vibrant.

I wonder if it might be possible that he is saying to himself:

“I enjoy being with the new Taurus woman - she makes me feel alive”…..but “I can’t stay too long otherwise she will want more from me than I am prepared to provide and I might also get stuck if things get boring”.

I can only imagine what he is thinking of me! Perhaps “Elclaiente truly loves me and I know she won’t leave me, and I know I am not really stuck with her, because she has never placed any demands upon me and I have just experienced how easy it is to escape from her – she gave me no fight, but..... I don’t feel as young with her as I do with the new Taurus woman, because she isn't a pro skier like new Taurus woman is”

So, the BIG question is, even if I do play the NC rules to a "tee", how on earth will I be able to reel him back to me?; November 26, 2012 at 3:15 PM
Bluebird said...: Hello Mirror,

I have not contacted my sag since I read your last response to me. I am on day 5 of no contact and thinking I could be in for the long haul. I am sitting here thinking about everything and I just don't get this man. He is 45 years old and has never been married. Has two kids, but never married. The last time we went through this was 7 months ago when he made tentative plans to get together and as that day got closer with no word (he does that sometimes) I texted and said "what's the plan". This was the day before we were to see each other. He texted back a very unintelligible text (he was using speech to text and that just never works right). I texted..."huh?, read what you sent, that made no sense". No answer. He could sense I was irritated with his text and his not following up on our plans. He went running. I sent a text letting him know that I am fed up with how he handles any kind of issue, just let me know we need to cancel our plans. Don’t waste my damn time. That pissed him off and he ignored me for days. I sent a text and basically ended it and said I can’t handle when you give me the silent treatment because it hurts my feelings and I will miss you. One week later he sends me a text ending it????? Which I thought I already did a week earlier...hmmm. After a few weeks I can’t handle it cause I miss him too much and I start texting him on and off for 5 weeks (stupid). What I get back from him is either no response or a “I miss you too, I will always want you” but nothing more. He never says, no I don’t want to see you again, he keeps saying things that keeps me stringing along. When I got quiet for a day or two he would text just to “check on me”. Finally I had enough and told him via text....I am done, this game is a turn off, consider me out. 3 days later he calls me and then boom we are back and he is calling again every single day and we never talked about what happened. I think he enjoyed my constant attention. I am missing him but trying not to reach out to him. I know you said to just wait, but I feel so stupid because before I posted here I sent those 8 texts last week and came off as crazy chick. I wish I could take it all back. He must be thinking I am crazy. He just makes me so...well crazy. I have been so good to him and have always been there for him. I just don’t understand why he thinks this is ok. It is sad because it doesn’t get any easier when you get older. It is the same shit whether you are 24 or 42. I keep reading everyone’s posts to keep up my strength and not touch my phone. I just know he is waiting for the texts to fly. Is it too late to turn this around and get back some control? He has had the control for over 3 ½ years. Thanks. As a final thought. I just read my post and my God I sound pathetic. I am a strong woman and I am not sure why this particular man has gotten under my skin in such a way that I allow this behavior. I just can't shake him.; November 26, 2012 at 3:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 25 9:35AM,
You stick to whatever your beliefs are. Don't worry about what others think. If you believe sex is to be saved for marriage - then you stand strong and save yourself for the right man.; November 26, 2012 at 5:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror @ November26, 2012, 5.20pm

Thanks Mirror for the supporting words. My only worry is will I ever find that man who would wait till marriage because all the guys i dated always want to rush into sex after 3 or 4 dates. Will I end up alone :(; November 26, 2012 at 5:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Anonymous Nov. 26 10:16AM,
I'm not sure I agree with you on this one. You know he has feelings for you? How do you know this? Has he told you he loves you? If he hasn't told you he loves you, then he doesn't have feelings other than friendship.

Additionally, he's admitted to you that there are other women in his life - he's seeing the woman he took on the motorcycle - but he's NOT asking YOU to go for a ride. So how do you know that he doesn't just like you as a friend? What makes you think it's anything more? Has he asked you for a commitment? Has he asked you to date only him and expressed a desire to date only you?

Let's look at the facts here:

1.) He doesn't contact you
2.) He hasn't expressed any desire to be in a relationship
3.) He hasn't asked you not to date other men
4.) He says he's "friends" with everyone
5.) He doesn't make time for you
6.) He doesn't ask you out on dates
7.) He doesn't see you or spend time with you

What about any of the above makes you think he has feelings for you other than friendship? I hate to sound harsh here, but if you assume that he does have feelings for you without any focus on the reality here - you're going to get hurt and I don't want to see that happen.

I'm getting the impression that the only time he talks to you is when YOU contact HIM. You're pursuing HIM when he should be pursuing YOU. When a man has feelings for a woman - he wants to spend ALOT of time with her. He's not spending ANY time with you. As a matter of fact, he's actually spending time with ANOTHER woman. I think your caught up in "fantasy" versus "reality." Because when a guy likes you and has feelings for you, he:

1.) Tells you he loves you
2.) Asks YOU for a commitment
3.) Wants to see you all the time
4.) Asks you out on dates
5.) Contacts you regularly (at least 3 times a week)

He's not doing any of that. He's doesn't even ask to see you. So what makes you think he wants a relationship here and has feelings for you? What makes you think he's waiting for you to make a move?

When men want a woman - they seek her out. He's not seeking you out. He's not asking you out. He's not calling you. He's not expressing a desire to see you at all.

I would NOT have that conversation with him because if you do - I don't think you're going to hear what you want to hear. I think you're going to get hurt here.

Additionally, he said "I always win" - this is a game to him. This isn't a man that's looking to be serious with a woman - he's toying with them and using them for sex is all.; November 26, 2012 at 5:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Elcaliente,
You may not be able to reel him back to you. That's what you need to accept here. There's a 50/50 chance he may be a completely changed person and therefore, gone for good. The NC in this case is only a last ditch effort. There is no magic wand that can be waved to make a man love you or want to be with you.

All you can do is attempt to make them realize your value to them by missing you. Like that old saying, "You don't know what you've got until it's gone."

That's it. That's all you can do here. Which is why I think you need to initiate NC for yourself as well. You need to detach from this and heal and move on. If it works to bring him back, then so be it. But if it doesn't, you need to accept that this relationship may have run it's course and it's time to move on :-(

And NC can help you begin to do that.; November 26, 2012 at 5:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bluebird,
You wrote, "I just don’t understand why he thinks this is ok."

He thinks that because you tolerate poor treatment from him and then make yourself available to him after he treats you bad - instead of making him live with the consequences of his decision and putting your foot down. As a result, I fear he's lost respect for you :-(

He figures, "Hey, she'll be there. She's always there, regardless of how I treat her. Therefore, there's no need to impress her."

You get back control by taking it back and leading your own life and not permitting him to treat you this way. This is not acceptable treatment, so why do you permit it and then reward him for it by showering him with attention? That's the tone you set early on with him, by tolerating and overlooking his bad behavior and poor treatment of you.

I wrote a post here this weekend about this very thing - consequences for one's behavior and decisions. And I think it'd do you a world of good to read it:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

If you allow yourself to be treated this way - why should he think he needs to treat you better? Think about it . .; November 26, 2012 at 5:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 25 5:26PM,
No, I don't think you'll end up alone. But what I might suggest is finding groups of like minded individuals, with the same beliefs, that you can socialize with. Possibly groups that hold "no premarital sex" as a religious belief or a group support site like this:

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Am-A-Virgin/465

Or:

http://www.girlsaskguys.com/Sexuality-Questions/71926-virgin-support-group.html

It's possible you can meet someone who shares your beliefs through a portal like that :-); November 26, 2012 at 5:56 PM
Bluebird said...: Well that was hard to hear, but yes you are right. He probably has lost respect for me and won't be back. Thanks for your input. I need to work on putting myself first.; November 26, 2012 at 6:50 PM
Anonymous said...: First, I want to say thank you to all the women who are reading and posting new comments about their experiences with men who are behaving badly, and sharing so much about what they're feeling and thinking.

You all have no idea how much your comments are helping me get through the situation I'm in. The support here is amazing. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in having the same crazy thoughts, and the same desire to have the man I want to treat me well.

Also thank you mirror for your patience in replying to all of us with such great advice, and support! I wish I could hug you!

--

About what you said regarding NC, you're right NC is working on me BIGTIME. :(

Mentally I know exactly what's going on and the effects of NC, and know I should just toss him out, date other men, live my life.

But these pesky emotions are making me feel angry, upset, confused, and simultaneously attracted (I even had thoughts of - wow, he feels like a valuable man!).

Today, I felt that urge to text him something short to break my NC with a, "What's up?" I didn't cave. I hope I can maintain the strength to continue NC for 30 days.

I impulsively broke the silence last time when he ignored me for 6 days, which confused me because he was full-on affectionate after that.

Now, he has ignored me for 8 days. While that's considered nothing in a man's world, this is a first from him in the 7 months we've been in touch.

The reason I question if NC would work on him (even though it is CLEARLY working on me) is that there's another woman in the picture, who he seems to like a lot (plus she seems fun, carefree, and undemanding). I don't think NC is as effective if the guy is happy.

I know there's nothing I can do in this situation (I need to let their relationship run its course), but I'm having a hard time dealing with my ego's need for him to come back to me, so I can ignore his ass.

I keep thinking of him lots because I can't help but feel a loss of power, and a little bit abandoned - even though I know he's behaving poorly, and I deserve someone available who wants to always talk to me.

Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with the strong need to win?

Dating men casually isn't helping. While I'm getting a lot of attention, it makes me unhappy because they're not men I want.; November 27, 2012 at 2:33 AM
Anonymous said...: Oops, I hit the publish too quickly.

The previous comment about dating men casually not helping was from me.

- Vivian; November 27, 2012 at 2:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bluebird,
No, I think he will be back. But you need to stay away. You need to stop carrying the burden of this on your shoulders. You need to put yourself first, your own happiness first. And you need to stop over looking and tolerating poor treatment from him.

From now on, it's all about you - not him ;-)

And when he does return, you don't jump. You hang way, way back with this one. And when he treats you poorly, you don't "talk" about it with him, with words.

You "speak" via your actions. If he treats you poorly, you disappear for two weeks. When he returns and does it again, you disappear again for two weeks. And if he contacts you during those two week disappearances, you DON'T respond. You only respond two weeks later, after he gets the hint that when he acts up, he doesn't have access to you.

Handle him like that and if he genuinely cares for you and wants to see you, he'll stop with the shenanigans and taking your for granted.

Even more importantly, he'll grow a new found respect for you.

People can only treat you as bad as you let them.; November 27, 2012 at 8:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
LOL, no worries, I knew it was you before even seeing you sign off in the second comment ;-)

I'm glad you're finding the support here helpful. And ladies, feel free to reach out to other women here with a little support as well. We can all help one another. Because helping you women also helps me, too. I didn't reach all these conclusions about men and life and lessons and consequences of poor decisions without my own crippling experiences over the years as well. So no, you're not alone, Vivian.

I wrote an article this weekend that I think you could benefit from:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

The message there for you Vivian, is to walk through the fire. Meaning, if you want to no longer experience the pain and emotions associated with them - you can't run from them. You must walk right through them and reach the other side transformed.

Relationships hurt. Love hurts. Everytime you involve yourself with someone, you take a chance, a risk. And we risk winning - or losing. Either way, we need to experience the consequences of our decisions as well as those of others. I think the only way these feelings are going to go away, is for you to accept them and move through them. If you read that piece I referenced, you'll grasp the concept.

And yes, with another woman involved here, NC may or may not work regarding bringing him back. There are no guarantees. However, NC can work for YOU here. It can help you detach. The more you hang on and keep up communication and the connection here, the longer you'll remain in this state of mind and emotions. So NC can help you slowly pull away and get your head and emotions back under control.

None of this will happen overnight. It's a process, as most things in life are. And it's a lesson as well, one that you will grow from. One that will make you stronger in the future.

Don't fear the emotions or attempt to run from them Vivian. Stand strong and walk through them, accept them. And you will see, they will diminish over time.

To counteract the strong need to win - you need to accept defeat.

And once you've accepted defeat here - you HAVE won - by beating it.

Just realize you have a strong competitive drive. You feel a need to prove yourself here. You can let that go, you don't need to prove anything here, you don't need to win. This isn't a competition, it's life. And life is suffering.

Accept that and you will win.; November 27, 2012 at 8:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Anonymous here from Nov. 26 10:16AM.....Thank you so much for your response. I do have to say that it was a real eye opener for me. Reading what I had written made me realize how much I was in denial about the whole situation. I was living in the past thinking of the way that things used to be with him hoping that one day it would go back to being that way but I guess that's not the case. What I need help with now is how to do I get closure on this? It's been so many months and I still don't go a day without thinking about everything. Do you think I should confront him and tell him goodbye or should I just let it be? Do you think he will come back? And if he does how should I react? Do I act like nothing is bothering me or should I just be honest? I just want to finally move past this...; November 27, 2012 at 10:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 27 10:20AM,
"What I need help with now is how to do I get closure on this?"

You stay busy to distract yourself, begin dating other men casually and you move through the emotions. There is no escape. You initiate "no contact" and begin to detach by doing so.

I think this piece here will help you grasp the concept of consequence and moving through pain:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

"Do you think I should confront him and tell him goodbye or should I just let it be?"

What for? To experience more pain or possible rejection? No need to put yourself through that.

"Do you think he will come back?"

Most likely, many of them do.

"And if he does how should I react?"

You read the portion of this article titled "What to do when your man reappears: behavioral mirroring."

"Do I act like nothing is bothering me or should I just be honest?"

You take control of your emotions and you cease bringing pain on yourself by initiating "no contact" immediately. If you initiate contact you remain attached to him, you'll never move on and detach from him if you keep communicating with him. And also, if you open up this discussion, you face the possibility of being flat out rejected, or of him continuing to string you along with lies and hurt yourself even more.

Stand strong. Don't bring that upon yourself. It's just a man, it's not the end of the world.

For every one of them that walks away, another one walks in. Kick the player to the curb and make way for a good man.; November 27, 2012 at 5:05 PM
Anonymous said...: I have good news, mirror!!!!!

So I read your response probably about 20 times to really let it sink in. You gave me a completely different perspective on winning, and it felt so good to ALLOW myself to accept defeat (it's a new feeling for me).

I no longer feel this exhausting burden to compete and win... I am okay and worthy as a person and don't need to prove myself.

And yes, in relationships you always risk losing when you get involved with someone. I need to take full responsibility for my decisions.

Having accepted all of this, and feeling much much better about myself and his NC, I decided to check my text message (I have text notifications turned off, to prevent myself from responding right away).

Guess what? As I predicted, the Libra Guy resurfaced!

In total, he has been MIA for 8 days 40 mins (LOL I love how all of us women keep track with the exact times it takes for a man to respond).

This time, I am happy not because he said anything sweet - but that I LET HIM disappear on me, without prompting him like last time. ;)

His message was so short and lame, although he sent it at 11:11pm. Wonder if that means anything.

My previous text explained why I had been away for 7 days (that I was busy and planned to go to Vegas), then I asked how he was. I expected a sincere response about how he was doing.

Instead, he responded, "Muah muah. I work and think of you."

Could this be payback for going NC on him earlier - or a classic "say enough to string her along"? I ignored him for a little over 7 days, and now he ignored me for 8. Seems like he did it on purpose.

If he's trying to say enough to string me along, he's doing a terrible job. The message seems so I-couldn't-care-less.

I really feel no desire to respond anymore. Plus I am secretly relishing in the opportunity to go poof on him for good.

I'm thinking NC-ing him for 30 days might not even do any good.

- Vivian; November 27, 2012 at 5:42 PM
Anonymous said...: I just read your lasted written article. The power of saying no ... I like that. A very well written article and so inspiring and like always I can relate. It's been 5 days since I've last spoken to HIM. I'm not sure if this no contact thing is working but its definitely allowed me to meditate and get my emotions back in control. For the most part, I'm feeling a lot better. Balanced. When he got back in town from MI with his guys, which was Sunday night, he wrote to me but I didn't reply. And he hasn't written to me since. I make sure to remind myself of why I'm doing this in the first place. 1) He lied about there not being girls in MI when I clearly found out that there were girls at their hotel room. Idk why he felt the need to lie to me. 2) He told me that he was going to send me a surprise when he was in MI but that "surprise" never happened. 4) He makes little to no effort and doesn't try to go out of his way. Ever. 5) He takes me for granted.

But why am I not happy? I feel like NC with him is making matters worse and it's only pulling us further and further apart. :/ He's not writing to me. He's probably not even thinking of me and he's probably talking to a bunch of different girls. *idk just assuming. For all I know, he's happy right now doing him. Idk if I should write to him after these 3 days are up ...... space apart feels wrong but at the same time maybe it's for what's best. Like you said, NC doesn't guarantee you that he'll come back. We've done this NC thing back and forth so many times and maybe he's finally caught on to the idea and doesn't want to fall for it again.

-Kissmyass; November 27, 2012 at 7:38 PM
Saggitarius female dealing with an aries male said...: Hi mirror
First I want to say that this was really inspirational and helped me maintain my strength as my ex boyfriend pulled his own disappearing act.
So let me explain
Me and my aries have been officially exclusively together for a year; casually dating prior to that for a year; and basically things have been consistent with the texts calls coming to see me from when we first started dating till now. He never flaked or anything he wasn't that type of guy just normal relationship ups and downs of ignoring phone calls here and there or "being mad" so were not speaking type problems on both our parts. Nothing heartbreaking but then 5 months into our exclusivity I find out he cheated 2 months back and I left for about 2-3 weeks and took him back after the pleading and promises. But naturally it made me a bit insecure and thats when the nagging, violations of privacy, and all that stuff that girls do when they feel unsure started to happen. So that went on for a while and he would explain himself sometimes but then things just started getting more shady where he would lie about little things and confess later, or not really involve me with his friends, or tell me the full truth of whats going on. he would hide things like his facebook but leave his twitter open and I would sometimes see some flirting. (I tend not to get mad at this as I am a sag girl and harmlessly flirt myself:-)) But it just seemed like he was hiding something and so I kept expressing my insecurities and all my thoughts(which now after reading this I know I was wrong lol) and he finally dissappeared.
so ill explain how this dissaperaing act went.
We were having a pleasant night basically and for whatever reason I just kept feeling more and more insecure everytime he would text on his phone; for some reason that night; but I didn't say anything until right before we were about to go to sleep and he just blew up. I asked if he was cheating and he just got really angry that I ruined "the moment" -and to his credit we had been arguing alot in the days prior and he expressed how i had been bothering and nagging him too much lately and we were basically just getting over that so I understand his explosive reaction. The argument got heated and I asked if he wanted it to be over and he said yes. More arguing until we went to sleep and the next day he had to beep me out of his complex on his way out to school that morning. That was at the end of october and I havent heard from him since until my bday; it's been a month of no communication or contact whatsoever on both our parts.
It's my birthday today and he called me twice; once in the morning and once at night; i ignored both. He then text me Happy Bday which I did not respond.
This guy is consistent and he's capable of being a good person. He made some changes for me and does involve me in his life with some of his friends but not all of his female friends but he lies sometimes and has shady behavior. Im not perfect and im aware that others arent perfect but I won't tolerate lying or deceit. I know what I want and im not afraid to tell him and im not afraid to walk away if he cant give it to me. I just want to know Is it naive of me to think that he's capable of not being a liar and how should I respond to his reappearance; or is this even a reappearance or did he just want to say happy bday to me and I over-analyzed this?; November 28, 2012 at 3:59 AM
Saggitarius female dealing with an aries male said...: And for all the brave women out their sharing their experiences and feelings or going through similar situations with these guys I just want you to know your not the only ones in this struggle. It has been so hard for me to not say anything to my exboyfriends ignoring me for the past month but I maitained my strength by staying busy and doing things for myself. It was hard sometimes and sometimes I even wrote the text out and had to delete it before sending and sometimes I even looked on his twitter to see what he was up to and almost broke my silence at the antics he was displaying on the world wide web but never gave him the satisfaction of knowing he was getting to me by just repeating to myself that us not being together may have been sad and heartbreaking; but it also meant i no longer have to care or feel bad about anything he is or isnt doing; he was no longer my problem.....until he re introduced himself into my life smh lol. Stay strong!; November 28, 2012 at 4:08 AM
confused-woman said...: i am so confused !!
i agree with every word and advise you said here and believe we (ladies) did and do spoil our relations and the future we have with those men by actually over reacting; over calling; over caring... instead of being "scarce"

yet i am confused; how can men over 40.... say "i love u to a woman" and maybe act like it for a few month or a year and suddenly change...

arent men over 40 have more stable mature attitude? dont they know if they r inlove?

does love evaporate over night?

can a woman's "over doing it" actually change how a mature man feels for her?

i mean i am not talking about early in a realtion like 2 or 3 months but a relation that has lasted a year and a half

i fail to understand a mans psychology; so does the woman always have to play hard to get in order to secure his feelings for her? is it as soon as she gives him a sense of security and stabilty (and maybe some sex is involved after 1.5 yrs) that could make a man suddenly lose interest in that woman???

i used to consider that a man having said "i love u" is a natural commitment, that is not easily affected ; not by who called more or who texted more or who is arranging for dates etc

apparently thats not true.... men have to be constantly treated with scarcity in everything to keep them interested :(

i lost him as a lover because i was actually loving, caring , giving , understanding, to him for 1.5 yrs...

all i did wrong was that when we had a long break last month i was nagging to spend time together, date and go out etc..

i kept making plans, talking abt the plans and insisting ; where as he saw me the first couple of days as planned briefly and suddenly boom, he is no longer interested to meet me..... totally weird for me unexplained attitude

men in love can turn so cold easily with no major variable... i wonder if we use the NC theory etc... can they turn back again to their original love feelings?? or once love is gone it never comes back??

do we always have to be in that game ? rather than our natural self??

every single story i heard from freinds and read on ur site proved that your theory is right, that the minute the women gives the man too much of her feeling and time and shows him that he has become her only priority in life, is the time when she is about to wave good bye at him

hope u give me some answers

1- to for the men we love and lost their love because we probably showed excess love

2- will we always live this game in order to save our relations? i do agree vut its a harsh truth

thanks; November 28, 2012 at 6:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian Dear,
Now . . I'm laughing with you, not at you here LOL . . but how can you say NC on him for 30 days might not work - when it worked in only 8, LOL!!!

It's working Vivian, it's working. And it worked it a little over a week. He contacted you, this is what you've wanted, his attention. Now you've got it.

Yes, communications will be short when using NC. However, they will increase over time - the longer you stay gone and silent - the more his communications and attempts are likely to increase.

Don't you see, Vivian, LOL??

Yes, he's currently stringing you along a bit. However, you've just got his attention. He's wondering where you're at, so he's checking in. This is how NC works. You slowly bring the man around to you again, by disappearing on him and going silent.

And his communications are short - because he's attempting to use NC on YOU. To get YOUR attention on HIM again, LOL. That's how you do it. If you chase him right now, I guarantee you he will disappear again. So you stay back, you don't contact him. Let him come to you again in about a week or two.

And yes, he's "mirroring" your behavior here. Haven't you read this article dear LOL? This is HOW it works - and he's using it on YOU. So now, you mirror his behavior - and you wait to respond to that text for 8 days. But I bet you already responded LOL.

Re-read the portion here about "mirroring" behavior. Next time you hear from him, and you will, DO NOT respond to that right away. YOU stay BACK, for the EXACT amount of days HE did. And then 8 days later, you don't answer any questions he's asked 8 days earlier, you simply say, "Hi." LOL, that's it. You "tap" him is all with a short communication.

Much like HE'S doing with you, LOL ;-)

It works, my dear.; November 28, 2012 at 8:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
One last thought, if you've decided you're done with him (and I don't blame you there one bit), then when he contacts you - you don't respond at all.

And you watch how that gets his goat for sure. And at that point, you will never feel the need to compete or prove yourself ever again.

You will have total control over yourself.

Do you know what the word "bitch" stands for, honey?

Babe In Total Control of Herself ;-); November 28, 2012 at 8:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
I lied, one more last thought LOL. Do you see how when you gave up attempting to control this situation . . how the universe handed it right back to you?

I think now you can see the beauty and relief in giving up control and embracing acceptance.

And the universe just rewarded you for the lesson learned.

Take what you've learned here and build upon it, and use it to your advantage in the future :-); November 28, 2012 at 8:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KissMyAss,
Five days is nothing in a man's world, sweetie. Yes, he's thinking about you right now. And you know what he's thinking? He's thinking, "Wonder when I'm going to hear from her again?"

He's being smug right now, waiting for you to come to HIM.

Give it another two weeks. By that time, his thinking will have shifted to, "Wow, wonder where she is? Why HASN'T she contacted me? Is she gone? Is there someone else? I better find out."

It takes men much longer to go through those thought processes than it does women. So you need to give this time to work.

NC, when done properly, is enforced for 30 days. Four weeks. That's how long it takes a man to go through all of those feelings and emotions. Sometimes it's two months.

But the DO come back.

So stand strong here. The world and your situation with him isn't ending because of 5 lousy days of no contact, LOL.

Stand strong, he'll come around. You feel like it's pulling you apart. But that's because you're not focusing on what he's going through right now. Which is a "process" - and processes take time to unfold my dear.; November 28, 2012 at 9:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KissMyAss,
And yes, I agree with you that he's been treating you terribly. So when you feel tempted to respond, you think of all those things you stated there.

You see, you're setting healthy boundaries here. This is good for you and for him. This will teach you self discipline and control over your emotions, which in turn will give you strength and empower you.

He's done you wrong. You read my article about consequences. Now you need to let them work - on him.

It's a process, it won't happen overnight. But you take his "crap" and you "stick it" to him - like glue. You make him live with the consequences of his actions right now.

And if I were you, I'd do that for the next 30 days to really let it sink in.; November 28, 2012 at 9:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused Woman,
"Can a woman's "over doing it" actually change how a mature man feels for her?"

Absolutely! It's the number one factor that ruins any chance of a relationship with a man. He starts to think, "She's off balance emotionally. She's hard to please. This is like work, it's not fun. I could never live like that. She's not the one."

"How can men over 40.... say "i love u to a woman" and maybe act like it for a few month or a year and suddenly change."

Their feelings change based on what they're seeing, which ultimately is - the woman's "true colors" so-to-speak. A woman who was once nice, fun and carefree is now suddenly territorial, insecure, frustrated and angry. Those are not feelings or actions that draw people towards you, they repel people from you.

"Is it as soon as she gives him a sense of security and stabilty (and maybe some sex is involved after 1.5 yrs) that could make a man suddenly lose interest in that woman???"

No, usually it's a change in HER behavior. She becomes overly emotional and the emotions she begin displaying are NOT positive ones. Women begin to behave completely different months or years into a relationship than they do in the first few weeks or months. And when that happens, men are repelled by all of the overwhelming displays of emotions and turmoiled thinking. The relationship is no longer fun, it's work.

Women tend to begin to "mother" men deep into a relationship. They give too much, love too much, talk too much, cry too much, complain too much, nagging too much - it becomes just too much. It's like being in a pressure cooker for them. And when a woman thinks she's "loving" a man, nine times out of ten, she's actually "mothering" him, which to men amounts to "smothering" them.

"I wonder if we use the NC theory etc... can they turn back again to their original love feelings??"

Yes, because the woman suddenly returns to the same way she was when the man first met her - carefree and fun, a "who gives a shit" attitude, which men very much like because it represents freedom to them rather than pressure. When a woman uses NC, she releases all the "pressure" she's been applying, which makes him think he might have been wrong about her.

"Do we always have to be in that game ? rather than our natural self??"

No, you just need to be emotionally balanced is all, like you were when you first met. Fun and carefree. Is you're natural self insecure, pressuring, nagging and overly emotional? I think not. That's your "unnatural" self.

"The minute the women gives the man too much of her feeling and time and shows him that he has become her only priority in life, is the time when she is about to wave good bye at him."

It's usually more a case of the woman displays too many emotions and applies too much pressure and repels the man by doing so. Women consider that "loving" a man, but when you really think about it, none of those negative emotions or displays will make anyone love you.

Love is free. Be free, let go, stop trying to control things or move the relationship along, and just remain cool, calm and collected - and let yourself be loved. Instead of trying to grab it and hold onto it like someone's trying to yank it away from you.

When you run at someone, their natural reaction is to take two steps back. When you run from someone, their natural reaction is to take two steps forward.

Think about it. . .; November 28, 2012 at 9:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey mirror I dont know if my post went through but if not can yuo please respond because Im desperate for help lol!!!
Ive been with my boyfriend exclusively for one year and we were causally dating for a year prior to that. He always been consistent with calls, text, making time for me, ect since the day we met and we had normal relationship arguments here and there nothing serious. After we got serious I found out that he cheated (I left him for 2-3weeks but took him back after the pleading and promises) and became a bit more insecure which followed with me nagging and being more suspicious. Things then started to get more shady where he would hide things or not tell me the truth until later about where he went or omit things until I comfront him or openly flirt on his twitter and I dont know most of his female friends and it seems like he's hiding me or ashamed or just doesn't want certain people to know idk but it was all very shady.
Finally we were hanging out one evening and everything was going great being that we had been arguing the whole weekend over me constantly questioning him and sharing my insecurities (which I now know I was wrong for).
But this particular night he was texting on his phone and for whatever reason it just kept poking more and more at my insecurities but I didnt say anything until right before we went to sleep. I asked him if he was cheating and he just blew up about how I "ruined the moment" and how I always do that. I apologized but then he became passive aggressive which pissed me of so the argument just got more heated. I asked if he wanted it to be over and he said yes. More arguing and crying until I finally just went to sleep. The next morning he let me out of his apt complex on his way to work and I haven't heard from him since. This night was at the end of october and its been complete non communication on his part and mine until yesterday; it's been a month. Yesterday was my birthday and he called me once in the morning and once at night. I ignored both calls. He then sent me a text saying happy bday and I didn't respond. I just want to know is it naive for me to think he can stop lying and want him back? and what do I do now in regards to this reappearance or is this even a reappearance or did he just want to say happy bday?; November 28, 2012 at 12:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for the reassurance! <3 *He wrote to me today LOL. Guess it is working. Will be back with updates, as usual haha.

- Kissmyass.; November 28, 2012 at 2:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 28 12:26PM,
Steer clear of this one. Once you tolerate poor treatment, bad behavior and cheating from a man - he will always take you for granted to do that. Because you tolerated it once, he assumes if you find out again, you'll still stay.

Cheating is different than other bad behavior. You can overlook some bad behavior by making the man experience the consequences of it, and then returning to make amends. A lot of times, that helps a man respect a woman - when she puts her foot down.

But cheating. No. You can't tolerate that at all. Ever.

I can honestly say that I've never spoken to a man or woman whose been cheated on by someone, then accepted them back - without it ever happening again.

Sadly, it ALWAYS happens again. Because nine times out of ten, when someone cheats, they're not happy in the relationship or marriage they're in for whatever reasons. So they're looking for a way out. But they fear being alone, so they hold onto the relationship they have and cheat regularly - until someone comes along that they've cheated with that they want a relationship with. Then they leave to go be with that person. They "transition" from one relationship and jump right into the next one.

So with cheating, it can NEVER be rectified. And anyone who attempts to forgive a cheater, only ends up experiencing more pain because they've tolerated it. There are consequences for bad decisions in life, all of which we all have to live with.

And tolerating and forgiving a cheater is a bad decision if you ask me - and you suffer the consequences for it.

Trust me. I'm a Taurus female and I spent 12 years with a Taurus male. I was married to him for 8 of those years - and he cheated on me for 5 of them. I brought so much pain onto myself by doing that, don't do it.

Don't make the same mistakes I've made. Free yourself from him - do not contact him, and leave him in your past.

And read this article about consequence here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; November 28, 2012 at 4:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KissMyAss,
Yes, you see - it IS WORKING!

Sit tight, no response just yet. He's clearly beginning to go through the emotional process right now. Let it work.

Sit tight - it's going to get much more interesting and he begins to "feel" as he should, LOL.

Hold off, think about all the terrible things he's done to you. You hold off.

If you can make it the 30 days, when you go to say "Hi" at that point - he'll be amazed to hear from you.

And then YOU have control here.; November 28, 2012 at 5:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KissMyAss,
Also . . doesn't this feel good? Doesn't it feel great to be in control? Of yourself and the situation? Doesn't it feel good to be on the other side of this for once? With him wondering about YOU instead of you wondering about HIM?

You can guarantee at this point, all he's doing is thinking about you. So know that and enjoy it. All this thinking he's doing right now is actually creating a strong attraction for you. So don't blow this by giving in just yet. Let that attraction, appreciation and respect for you build in him.

Enjoy it. Sit back and enjoy it and know that this is working and that HE'S thinking about YOU for once.; November 28, 2012 at 5:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Will guy friends do this too? Ive known him for two months and at first he was texting me saying I was cute, talking about the future, basically every game you describedto get me and he did. I had no 1 he was my only person. so I acted like the girlfriend that I thought he wanted. nothing physical though and I got him mad with a comment I made and he textedme this long the message telling me how he wasn't attracted to me but wanted to be my friend and that I was insecure and have no confidence. Do you I think he was lying when he texted that he had no attraction towards me? he also has told me that he wanted a girlfriend and that I was the only girl he was talking to. Is he playing me or is he telling the truth?; November 28, 2012 at 9:56 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 28 9:56PM,
Probably a little of both. I imagine he likes you and he's interested, but it sounds like maybe you've been doing some of the things mentioned in this article (questioning, doubting, pressuring) and he's noticed insecurity and self doubt.

When a man picks up on that in a woman, that'll stop him dead in his tracks from proceeding in a relationship with her. So if that's what you've done here, don't do that anymore. Stand strong, don't question - no emotional displays.

If you can do that, I think he will move forward.; November 29, 2012 at 8:23 AM
Anonymous said...: Can you plz explain to me WHY nice girls finish last? A complete thorough explanation please because I'd like to know. Thanks; November 29, 2012 at 11:46 AM
Anonymous said...: Yes it does feel good. :) Having him work for my attention is how it should be. Thank you Mirror of Aphrodite for all the amazing advice that you give out to us ladies. You don't know how much I appreciate your help and support. But what if I did reply back to him? (just saying) would that ruin everything and would my plan blow up in my face? Even if it was just a casual reply that showed no emotions .. like a "Hi. K. Sure" kind of response lol. Will that get him thinking?

-kissmyass.; November 29, 2012 at 1:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
May i have some of your advice please.

I was seeing this guy long distance at the beginning of the year then he withdrew and started to make excuses why he couldent see me.
the last time i have seen him was february and everything was fine and said he wanted to see me again and when i got back home he would always ring me and say where he would take me places next time we meet up.

He stopped ringing me in april which is quite funny because thats when we made plans to see each other again,so now he just texts me.

He has been texting me for the past seven months about two to three times a week.

Last month he asked to meet up again before xmas but when he text me this i didnt reply back because i was quite hesitant but 45 mins later he texts me again asking if i was still there.
so i just replied back that i was still here but never gave him a answer about meeting up again.

So i thought about it over the weekend and got back to him and said i have got time off if the invite is still there for us to meet but would have to get back to him and he replied saying that he would like to still see me.

Fast forward a couple of weeks later which was 3 weeks ago i texted him ive got holidays the last week of november if u would like to still meet up,which is this week and he has just completely ignored me and ive still not heard from him and this the longest ive not heard from him.

it feels like i have to answer to him but he can just ignore me when he is the one that wanted to see me.

do u have any idea what he is playing at?
Do u think i should ask him whats going on?
Now im thinking is it because i told him when i was free.

im so upset, now i dont know if i will ever hear from him again or do u think he expecting me to chase him?

please help.; November 29, 2012 at 2:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror @Nov21,2012 9.13AM

Hi! Mirror, NC does work atleast for me :) I am sort of detached from the situation and no longer feel bad about the way things turned out. I am back to my confident self and don't care much about what would happen next. It's been 10 days since i received the text and I didn't reply to him and don't feel the urge to do so. I am planning to send a text on the 15th day. I am still not clear on what I should text or should I text at all. Please help.; November 29, 2012 at 3:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 29 11:46AM,
Hmm, I'm sensing anger here in your demand for a complete and thorough essay on the matter. I'm not going to write a novel here for an explanation. You can Google the term and receive plenty of answers that way. Or you can simply read this article and click through the links I've provided that back up the concept.

But I'll repeat myself here for you:

1) Being too nice is akin to a sister or a mother - i.e. "no spark." No one wants to date their sister or their mother. They love them, they don't receive a "spark" from them though.

2) Men are competitive by nature and being "nice" amounts to boredom for them. It does not tap into their natural, predatory, competitive drive:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201204/does-playing-hard-get-make-you-fall-in-love

3) It's a scientific fact that uncertainty actually heightens attraction:

http://www.psmag.com/culture-society/uncertainty-heightens-romantic-attraction-26363/

4) Psychologically, people want what they can't have:

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Wallin22.html

5) The psychology of the Law of Scarcity works in relationships, just like it does in economics:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Understanding-the-Law-of-Scarcity&id=184783

6) Nice girls share too much emotion with men. Men view them as weak and as a result and lose respect for them.

You see, I've already answered your question here in this article. If you want a complete and thorough explanation for why nice girls finish last - read the article, click the links. It's the complete and thorough explanation you're asking for.; November 29, 2012 at 4:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KissMyAss,
You're not being available to him for the time being is giving him plenty to think about right now.

You contact him at this point - and he'll be reassured you're still there and he'll STOP thinking.; November 29, 2012 at 4:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 29 2:33PM,
He sounds like a bit of a player. Players are secretly insecure guys who feel manly when they get women to chase them and pursue them - then they turn around and beat the woman up for doing so and play head games with her emotions to make themselves feel more like men.

I think he's a player and he's also dating other women. And I also think he wants control here - he wants "his cake and eat it too."

I wouldn't fall for that trap. Stay gone and he'll be back.; November 29, 2012 at 4:47 PM
Anonymous said...: I enjoy reading your articles and advice. It is spot on and applies to ALL women, not just the particular posters you are replying to. I can apply most of the advice you give to others to a situation I’m going through now. I especially like your concept of “mirroring” behavior (i.e. if it takes a man 3 days to contact you, then you wait 3 days to reply to him). I have not seen that explained anywhere else, but I think it is brilliant advice for what to do in those situations. Thank you for sharing that!

I also am pleased to see that I own (and have read over and over) 4 of the 7 books you list as ‘Source Books and Recommended Reading’. They truly are great books and have taught me a lot and provided a guide for me through some difficult past situations. I plan to purchase “The Manual”, “Date Like a Man”, and “How To Date Men”.

My only frustration is that many of those asking your advice don’t seem to take it! Some seem to return over and over after trying their own combination of doing it their way with a little bit of your advice for good measure. Ladies, you cannot do that! Follow Mirror’s advice to the letter and do whatever you need to do to contain your negative emotions and feelings. It’s painful, but not impossible.

Keep up the good work!

-SassyBrunette; November 29, 2012 at 4:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 29 3:22PM,
Glad to hear it's working! And yes, NC helps the woman as well, by detaching from the man and the obsessive thought pattern, releasing you from your emotions and putting you back into a healthy mindset.

If you'd like to contact him, feel free to do so. Don't "talk" about you guys or your emotions.

Just say "Hi" and be carefree, as you are right now, and chat is all.

If he contacts you again after that, don't respond for few days. Keep some space between you two right now. Don't jump back in.; November 29, 2012 at 4:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SassyBrunette,
Why thank you! Yes, all of the books do help, indeed and I, myself, have learned a lot from them. And thank you for noticing that many return here, looking for "tweaks" regarding what to do ;-)

It's about taking a stance. If you hesitate (i.e. "tweak" the information and only do half, then relapse like a drug addict back into old patterns and behaviors) men sense it and everything gets tossed out the window again when they know you're not strong enough and you'll buckle under the pressure.

You said, "Some seem to return over and over after trying their own combination of doing it their way with a little bit of your advice for good measure."

Brings to mind an old saying:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again - but expecting different results."

Stand strong, ladies! Act like you're going to war if you have to - because honestly, you're defending your honor and dignity - it's worth fighting for and taking a stance on.; November 29, 2012 at 4:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror @November 29, 2012 4.50 PM

I am feeling ackward to send a hi text. Would he think that I am still waiting for him? He sent a text-LOL just traffic as a reply to my text-this traffic reminds me of you. So should I just send a reply text- LOL and leave it? I plan to do it only after 15 days. This time I really want to be careful and play it cool.; November 29, 2012 at 5:01 PM
Anonymous said...: (sorry in advance for being long)Today is day 11 of NC. I have been debating on putting my story up after days of reading, and finally decided that its very possible others are doing the same. So……… here I am, about to tell my story. I hope not to be judged as I am only looking for advice and similar stories. I ran into my high school crush at a dance club early august.We are both turning 30 soon. I had a strict rule on not hooking up with anyone from there bc it became my “away from home” spot and i didnt want to to mix my fun spot with men drama. Well later on that evening things got heated. I had my period so sex in that area was a no. I found out he lived an hour and thirty min away and was home on vaca. A booty call was exactly what he and I were looking for. I have no intentions on settling. My life is far to crazy and to be tied down again is not what I want. So back to him. He left a week later and we kept simple texts (no sex during the week he was visiting.) We joked a lot and most of our conversation started on a Sunday when football started bc thats when we both had off. We both took turns starting a convo first. We never talked about our lives and what we wanted, no personal talk. Mostly flirting and games. I started playing hard to get and so did he. During these past few months I asked to exchange pic. He said he doesn’t do that kind of thing. So seems how I was only looking for sex I sent some. It never started the convos and he never commented on them. He started to send me scenery pic that he took while working. Breath taking pic, they started to turn my mind =/ I would make small comments about them a day or two later. We talked about work but nothing deep. When one of us was available to hook up the other was working. Things seemed okay until like a dummy I sent him a text saying “I felt like it wasn’t gonna happen and id regret that”. his communication slowed way down. Then we get back to talking semi “normal” again and he always asked when I was gonna come see him. We arranged for it to happen one Sunday, we talked the day before about it then BAM….. nothing. That time came and I simply sent him a text saying “when I make plans I stick to them, my time is important to me and my friends. I make time for those who matter to me and if something came up you should have the respect to tell me. Im not wasting my small amount of time on someone who doesn’t really want it.” He texted back saying hes been crazy busy working overtime and this weekend wasn’t good”. I brushed it off….. bc after all its just sex for us right. So the convos start small, and up until doing NC I didn’t understand what switched. I switched, I started to get feelings and the more I expressed the more he withdrew. Then one day after two weeks (I sent a couple texts asking him what he really wanted bc I hated that I had feeling for him, and that im finally free as a woman but I find myself only wanting him) he texts me saying “if you chill things might just happen”. During the past few months he has invited me to his home, but bc he worked nights/some days the time was never right. Of course theres more to this “FWB”. But longer story short I “chilled” for 4 days, no texts or calls. Then I sent him a text after those four days saying “is this chilled enough bc by now ive turned into a K****sickle.” His response less than an hour later was “LOL”. Then a small convo started. I know im the one who started to change on the agreement with the fling. During the few days leading up to my last text I expressed some things…. Like a dummy. And he got upset, his last text said I had no clue what a fucking fling was and not to fucking text him and he would text me when he wants to fuck (a few more hurtful texts too). I responded with “if you had just learned to communicate that shit weeks ago I would have spent less time figuring out how to fuck you instead of causing you to blow the fuck up like right now”.

Kay...........; November 29, 2012 at 5:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 29, 5:01PM,
LOL . . why are YOU texting HIM at all? And do any texts regarding traffic really need a response?

So basically, you plan on LOL (laughing out loud) at him 15 days later, LOL?? When you're the one who initiated the communications in the first place?

If you want to be careful and play it cool . . then that's EXACTLY what you do. You hang back, play it cool, go on about your daily business - and wait for HIM to contact YOU.

If a man genuinely likes you, he will pursue YOU. If he doesn't do that, then you have your answer.

I can't walk you through the process step by step, every little communication. At some point honey, you have to take what I've written here and actually apply it.

But in the end, sweetie . . you have free will, you are free to do whatever you like or whatever you feel is best.

But those texts your referencing here, they don't need a response. You're looking for excuses to contact him I think ;-)

If I can sense that, so can he.

And to laugh at him 15 days later doesn't make sense and he'll look at that and be like, "Why the hell is she laughing at me, I haven't heard from her in weeks."

Saying hi after 15 days if much more understandable. You don't want this man thinking you've lost your mind here and all of a sudden, you've decided to LOL at him hehe ;-); November 29, 2012 at 5:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Kay continue.........He was drunk, drunk men don’t lie (from what im told) and I knew he was drunk 1-bc it was game night, and he always drinks on game night, 2- bc his fb showed he was at a specific bar with a friend. And 3- bc his texts were misspelled. We are not friends on fb, we can only see certain things on each of our pages. Maybe a month ago I told him some things and he said I can just come to (his town). I said I wanted to but I was nervous. He said ok. Well here I am, ive had 11 days of thinking, and yesterday I broke down and cried when I heard a song that reminded me of him. Im not really sure what to think of this. I guess bottom line is…….. im sticking with NC because if anything I need to get over him. And if he texts me ill have to decide if I want that booty call and risk dealing with the feelings after. I know theres a 50/50 chance of things progressing since sex happened before dates, but is it different if you went to high school with him, worked for his parents in high school, and even slept over his house? He said he didn’t recognize who I was that night, and that ive changed. For god sakes it was 10+ years ago, im a confident woman now, with a great job and loving life. But at this point could he be thinking how much of an ass he was? is he even thinking at all?; November 29, 2012 at 5:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror @November29,2012 5.09 PM

:) I got my answer and I am going to play it cool. Not going to contact him and If he does contact at some point in future then I will think about it :) Thanks so much.; November 29, 2012 at 5:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror November29,2012 5.09PM

Contd..

I don't think I am looking for excuses to contact him. I usually don't go NC on any one and think it is rude. But now I am learning new things about dating men!! So NC it is going to be from now on :); November 29, 2012 at 5:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kay,
This is precisely the reason that casual sex is dangerous territory for women. It just is. There is NO SUCH THING as causal sex for women, their emotions are aroused by the physical contact and whether they like it or not, they will become emotional about the man and the situation.

You then began sharing these emotions with him to which he TOLD you to just chill - he meant with all of the emotional displays and communications. You can't demand that someone see you or make time for you or respect you - when you've agreed to a disrespectful casual sexual situation. Because let's face it, casual sex is disrespectful to women in and of itself. And you agreed to that.

No, it makes absolutely no difference any history you've had here with him. None whatsoever and I'll be honest, the way you're approaching this, the language and whatnot you're using with him, is somewhat crude coming from a woman and I don't think it increased his perception of you.

I'm not judging you. You're hear asking and I'm telling is all - I'm trying to HELP you, not hurt you here. So please understand that. But in order to do that, I have to call it like I see it, I can't tiptoe around it. So know that I'm not judging you, I'm simply looking at the facts here.

Once you've created a situation like this with a man, it's virtually impossible to clean up or rectify his impression of you in any way. Unless a year separation takes place and space is put between you two - and then you meet up a year later and start from scratch again.

And I'm going to point out one other thing here, for you own good because you're asking, not because I'm judging . . but you said, "im a confident woman now." But the reality here honey is that, that is NOT the impression you're giving HIM. You're initiating communications with him, you're questioning him, you're pressuring him a tad bit and you're expressing feelings for him when you agreed to a fling. To him, that's translating as "insecure."

And no, I don't think he's thinking of what an ass he's been because honestly, I don't see where he's been an ass? What has he done wrong? What about HIS behavior has changed? He agree to a casual fling and that's what he's given you. YOU'RE behavior has changed. You agreed to a fling and then pushed for something more.

I'm not sure what he's done wrong here?

He's sending you hurtful texts because he asked you to "chill" - of which you considered a very short period of only 4 days "chilling" - and then started pressuring again - which angered him. He asked you to pull back and you didn't respect his wishes, yet agreed to a "fling." So it's frustrating him. I'm not saying what he text was okay, it wasn't. But I do understand where his frustration is coming from.

The only one whose behavior has changed here honey is yours. When someone says "chill" - that means, "Wait until I contact you."

Again, I repeat this here many, many times over and over again . . if a man genuinely likes you, he will come seek you out.

I think you need to remove yourself from this situation immediately. You cannot handle casual sex emotionally and mentally, this will end up hurting you. Do yourself a favor and get out now.; November 29, 2012 at 5:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Although I'm sad over your response I see it now. That's what I needed. And yes I can have casual sex without emotions, I've done so already. He was different and I should have known. Now I know!

Kay; November 29, 2012 at 6:48 PM
Anonymous said...: kay @ sounds you are still in denial. I am no "expert" here but your posting is replete with evidence of the fact that casual sex is not something you should go into. What do you mean by he was different? You have feelings for this man so obviously casual sex went out the window for you! Are you saying you only sleep with men you know you won't have feelings for? and how do you predict that before going in? Aphrodite is right on.; November 30, 2012 at 10:52 AM
Anonymous said...: I closed this window last night. What I mean by “sad” is deeply hurt by the truth, not just taking the advice and brushing it aside. There is much to this story that is not said. Three months of constant communication with someone (high school crush) is enough to grow attached. No im not in denial, I started to move on when I received his last text. With other men I advise them that im not looking for anything more than a fling. Yes I still speak to a couple of them after but I don’t see more then sex. Yes there’s “feelings” for any guy im with, it’s a crush feeling, but knowing neither of us wanted a relationship made the experience casual, stress free, and no strings attached. I don’t “love” this person; I simply liked him a lot. He once said I needed to just be patient and see where things go. Yeah I blew that, which is probably for the best. Casual butt sex with him went out the window yes. But that’s bc the more I opened the communication line the more I fell. I broke the promise I made and hes angry for that. I came for advice, I got it and now im moving on. This is the life I choose and when the times comes for me to open communication with another guy ill weigh the risks a little better…. Lesson well learned. And yes, Aphrodite is right on........ thats why I posted my story, to get the best advise for my situation.

Kay; November 30, 2012 at 3:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror:
I just can’t stop thinking about what went wrong… I know pretty soon (like after the third date) if I want to continue seeing someone anymore or not. For me, there would be signs – like me not wanting to kiss him passionately, being friendly (but not letting him get too close to my personal space) limited texting, etc. There were just no signs of this from him at all.

Looking back at my texts with this guy and other things he’s telling me, and for all intents and purposes, he wants a relationship (“So, are we seeing just each other”? “I want what my brother has with his wife – passion. I don’t think we lack that at all”). Yadda yadda.

I was reluctant to get involved so early because because it had only been 3 dates. I just wanted to “wait and see” and told him so. I think he got a little offended and felt rejected, so I started pursuing him to show him I was definitely interested, but I just didn’t want that girlfriend status just yet. I’m sure that’s where it might have started to go astray… I would text him first sometimes; ask if we could see each other, “Wanna do something tomorrow?” etc. I wanted to show him that I liked him, but I just wasn’t ready for us to be exclusive.

Then, things got romantic about the 6th date. We never got naked, but we “felt each other up”. I didn’t hear from him after that, when it had been regular every day, for 3 weeks. I texted him to ask a question and he didn’t respond. After 3 days of NC, I worried that it was over, rather than knowing that this might just be a test and guys do this, especially when things get a little more serious.

I wrote you here that I sent an email that offended him because I basically said thanks for everything, but you know – here’s my take on things. I made assumptions about what I thought had happened and it made him a bit angry with me. I’m sure I was presumptuous and looked insecure, but I didn’t mention to you that I was taking on a new job the next week and I knew I’d be busy (in another city, as well) and have limited time for the next few months. (He knew this, as well.) I just felt an urgency to know - - so are we done? I said something like - “Hey, if I don’t hear from you anymore, it’s ok, but just let me know because I don’t want to be wondering what’s going on while I have this new position to think about”. I did thank him for everything, even though he said I was a bit blunt.

And you know the rest of the story… he wanted space to think; then he contacted me. After 3 weeks of texting a bit, we met, at my suggestion (because I felt if he saw me he’d “feel it again” – and I believe he did). He had only planned to meet for coffee, but we spent about 10 hours together. It was a great day and evening together. The only thing that might have gone awry is - Instead of saying that I need to be monogamous if we have sex (which is what I meant) – I used the “commitment” word when we talked about it. (It got brought up, so I didn’t run from my feelings, just stated what I need.) I could tell by his face there was some contemplation there, but he said he understood and continued the evening with me - about 4 more hours.

The next day he texted and said he was thinking about the good talk and moments of last night. After about 5 days of him calling me, zero contact from him and I never contacted him to ask what happened or where he was. (Except, after a few weeks - he gave a text wishing my daughter well on her SAT.); November 30, 2012 at 8:49 PM
Anonymous said...: (Con't)...I’m just at a loss of what happened and feel stuck. I wish that I would have texted him to at least say, “Hey, What’s Up? Everything ok?” But after I had already been there, done that and made that mistake the first time by writing an emotional email, I didn’t want to look weak again. It’s been 2 months now. I wished him a happy thanksgiving, but got very little response back, as I wrote you. Sorry to sound like such a broken record and I know I need to get back out there (and I have), but this is the biggest mystery to me and most of all, I just need closure.

The other thing I did is- after 10 days of not hearing from him, I started dating again. He may have heard about it and thought, “Ok, she’s talking about sex and a commitment with me – and it’s 10 days and she’s already got another guy?” I was angry that he hadn’t contacted me and I started dating a guy I believe he knows. (I didn’t know that when I went out with him, but the guy I like – his name got brought up when I was out with the current guy. Of course I said nothing and just acted like I didn’t know him.)

When the other guy was moving in so fast (smothering me, after a few weeks) I told him I needed space and made up some excuse not to go out again. He said, “Are you sure that’s the real reason – or are you just not over the last guy you dated?” I didn’t respond to that and then he immediately apologized. I wondered if I messed up by dating him in the first place. It kind of sounds like these two guys may know about each other and I messed up by not giving the guy I really like a chance to play the NC game with me, before putting myself out there on the market, so to speak?

Just give me some closure mirror… I just wish I knew and understood what happened. What do you think happened? Will he be back you think? I just can’t stop thinking about it. And what’s crazy is – I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I first started dating him. I wasn’t that attracted to him, quite honestly. He just kinda grew on me….; November 30, 2012 at 8:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov. 20 8:53PM,
Yes, men do grow on us don't they? Like a fungus ;-)

This one's a bit tricky. First off, yea I think someday he'll resurface - there's a 50/50 chance here. But notice I said "someday." Because it may be a few months more before that happens. Just about the time you're getting over him - then BAM, he'll pop up. That always seems to be the way that goes, LOL.

I've heard from men 2 weeks, 2 months, 3 months, 6 months - hell, 3 years later. So you never know.

Personally, I think he was unsure about a relationship with you. Because that's what the big "C" word means to men. And while he was on the fence about it, yea, he may have caught wind about the other guy. Probably was a blow to his ego, I imagine.

But on the same token, I don't think you did anything wrong here. Because there IS no relationship, no commitment in place until both parties involved have had "the talk" and agree to it or share that they're in love with one another. And in this case, that didn't happen. So you were free to do as you please and casually date as you pleased - and so was he.

The holidays are coming, you may hear from him. And if you don't, let him go. It wasn't meant to be. You did nothing wrong by dating that other man. You were free to do so, you made no commitments and you two were not boyfriend and girlfriend and you didn't sleep with either of these guys. You're allowed to spend time hanging out with whomever you please if you're not committed to anyone.

So don't beat yourself up over that. This was his decision and it may have nothing to do with you at all. He may just not have been ready.; November 30, 2012 at 9:23 PM
miss_sunshine said...: It’s pretty painful now to read my last two comments and, most of all, your reply to me. At that time it felt really good. I felt I was on the right track. I looked stronger to you and to him, but I was in fact pretty weak inside and just like a bomb it burst out of me all of a sudden. That right attitude has gone mad and I had no control over it. Damn, I dared say he’s emotionally insecure and unstable and I beat him even at that. That control over emotions was only a temporary one.

I kept reading all these stories and advice given here and it all makes absolute perfect sense, but it’s damn well hard to follow thoroughly. A few days ago I caved in and became probably the Weakest in this pack of women (I really do admire you girls for keeping it up cool and collected when it comes to your emotions). After no initiation of contact from me for almost 4 months (although I made some mistakes in the meantime), I decisively and insistently asked him to meet me outside our job for a “talk”. I don’t know why I wanted that and I guess we all know how that went … I splashed all my insecurities and agony on him and “made it clear” to him that I don’t accept being treated like this (the blah blah-ing went on and on for a couple of hours)… And he behaved as predicted. He’s completely shut himself down about me, and the worst part is that I cannot judge him for that. It was a very exhausting conversation for both of us and I ended it with “I don’t want you to ever speak to me again and I wish to never see you again”. Then I left and cried all night long over my harsh and pulling away attitude (I blame myself for it pretty badly). I called him the next morning right before both of us going to work, to apologize for some of the things I said and that I know I’m displaying my ugliest of sides when I am hurt and rejected … yada yada! Then at work we said nothing to each other and that was it.
Shortly, I blew it big time! Don’t do this to yourselves! It feels like hell, it looks like hell then it must be HELL. My self esteem drops at warp speed. And all for the stupid ambition to make a statement that I’m not even sure I believe in.

In case you wonder, his part of the conversation was about his girlfriend’s return in his life. How he cannot pull away from her and how he’s life is really confused. I’ve heard it all before. He does not see me as anything other than a friend now and hates my attitude towards him, all my statements sound like reproaches and make him feel very guilty. He doesn’t feel he has played with my feelings and doesn’t understand why I cannot chill out a bit and let things be. I feel so stupid compared to him, because he’s almost right and I should not take things as major dramas. Hell, we’ve been involved in a little romance that has caught him unprepared for a bigger deal. And I should be OK with that. I should accept it for what it is. But I have projected all my wishes and desires on him and thus made it a bigger deal that is really was.
I’ve always believed I need to back out and accept things for what they are (I am really trying to). He has made his point across very clearly and it’s my problem if I cannot deal with it. But I feel I cannot. I know it must my BIGGEST excuse the fact that we work together and I cannot start that damn (LOL) no contacting method, but I really cannot understand how to chill in this situation and how to make those benefits of NC fall on me for once. I have stronger days and I have collapsing days. How on earth can I do this?

My attitude is the “I know everything” kind and I could probably use a bit of therapy to deal with all my self-esteem and emotional issues but I could also use a bit of walk-through steps with this situation. I mean I really need to be told the exact steps to follow, LOL!! How do I do this NC for the remaining 3 weeks at work? What do I tell myself? What I do know is to tell myself I have lost him for good and it’s my fault (partially). Please, help me out here…; December 1, 2012 at 4:42 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, Mirror. I think you just confirmed what I have been wondering… he just wasn’t ready. He told me he’s not had a relationship in the 15 years that he’s been divorced. On one hand, it was refreshing to know that he said he didn’t rush into things because he mentioned a lot of his friends already are divorced for the second time. On the other, it did strike me that he’s a committed bachelor or perfectionistic. He said his one friend commented, “Have you found the perfect woman yet? Or, is there something wrong with this one?” In fact, at first, I kinda thought he could be gay. Not by his demeanor, but just by his attitude of seemingly not needing a woman. But I eventually ruled it out – he definitely wanted sex. I think he was just being a gentlemen and playing it cool at first. Oh well… yes, I said that too- if it’s not meant to be – it’s not meant to be. Thank you. I’m moving on and I feel like you gave me the peace I was looking for.; December 1, 2012 at 5:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @MissSunshine,
Okay well, at this point, we're not going to worry about him anymore - we're going to focus on you. What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up over it, it was a valuable lesson learned and someday, you'll look back on it like that. For instance, when you do meet your Mr. Right, you'll be better prepared and won't make the same mistakes. And know this, I use the word weak here because . . well that's what it is, it's emotional weakness. However, women are emotional, all of us, and that's just the way it is. You're not alone. All these girls, ladies and women here . . there's absolutely nothing wrong with them, they're women is all. And more importantly - they're NICE girls. Every woman here is a nice girl. Unfortunately, being a nice in life these days - only gets you taken for granted. Why? Because all of the women here are too nice to say no. That's really what it boils down to. It's odd to give advice telling women to act like bitches with an attitude, but these days, you HAVE to do that if you don't want to be run over.

Okay moving on, forward thinking here. What you need, what I'm really hearing from your comment here is - you need to learn coping skills. You need to develop coping skills. Skills to cope with your emotions and handle them and express them in healthy ways.

That doesn't happen overnight but positive thinking and a positive outlook is a great place to start. So the first thing I'm going to point you to is use of the Law of Attraction:

www.aphroditeastrology.com/2009/10/law-of-attraction-vision-boards.html

This is a concept to help you understand that "what you project is what you attract." Because the law of attraction, the actual law states that, "like attracts like." So that's the first thing to understand. If you're confused and turmoiled, if that's what you project, then that's what you attract back to yourself - someone turmoiled and confused.

The second part of the Law of Attraction here is the action part. Building an attraction board, otherwise known as a vision board. That article explains how to do that. So make yourself one. Buy a really great board, spend time surfing magazines and online sites, cutting out photos and phrases and images and build your board. That'll keep you busy and it will also begin the "positive" thinking process.

Next, to re-map your brain (re-wire it towards positive thinking) you draw up a list of affirmations and each night, you make those affirmations to yourself out loud. But DO NOT put negative words into your affirmations. Because the Law of Attraction (or karma) cannot distinguish good from bad. For instance, you don't make this affirmation, "I will not have more debt." Because the message you're sending out to the universe there is "debt." And that's exactly what it will balance with and send to you, more debt. Instead, you design your affirmation like this, "I will be successful." The message you're sending to the universe there is "successful." And it'll balance that by sending you success.

The next part is visualization. You then visualize yourself as successful. But more importantly, you FEEL yourself as successful. You pretend as if it's already happened and you ARE successful. Because it's the "emotion" here that really kicks the Law of Attraction into action. What you FEEL really matters. Which is why feeling negative all the time does so much damage and creates a never ending loop of feeling bad - because you're sending "negative" emotions and subconscious thoughts into the universe - and via the Law of Attraction, it has to balance that and give you what you're requesting - which is negativity, negative emotions - more of them. So you're subconscious thoughts and feelings play a huge role here.

Cont . .; December 1, 2012 at 9:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And might I suggest, before you start this process, rent a copy of the movie "The Secret" or buy the book. It explains it much better than I can here in a few paragraphs.

But you see what you're doing here is:

1) Taking action
2) Keeping busy
3) Redirecting your thoughts
4) Finding a healthy activity that will develop and grow coping skills

The point of this exercise is to develop coping skills, to deal with the emotions in a positive manner. Do this, practice this for a few months and you'll see - you will develop positive ways to cope with your emotions and you won't make anymore embarrassing mistakes. And when bad things happen, you'll have faith that they happened for a reason and you'll learn to look for the lesson, to focus on the lesson, rather than the mistakes themselves.

We don't rid ourselves of bad behaviors overnight. And I actually compare many of the negative patterns and behaviors women have developed with men to drug addicts. Why? Because there are parallels:

1) Lack of control over impulses
2) Turmoiled emotions that you cannot process in healthy ways
3) The intense feeling of "need"
4) Relapsing behavior

And everyone knows that relapse is part of addiction recovery. It happens. You can expect that to happen. Change isn't easy and ridding ourselves of negative habits, patterns and behaviors isn't easy.

So you relapsed here. But now you're going to enter the 12 step process and you're going to teach yourself new, positive behaviors and patterns and ways of coping and dealing with your emotions. Because what you really need here are coping skills it appears. Control over emotional impulses. It's like a crack addict that can't keep from reaching for the pipe. You're the addict, he's the pipe.

Clinically, it's called "co-dependence." And it's a very negative dependence. You've somehow managed to convince yourself that you need him to make you happy. Much like the addict feels they need the drug to make them happy. You've managed to convince yourself that your happiness "depends" on him - co-dependence. You're dependent on him (or a man) for your happiness. That's a false belief.

So take that "co-dependency" and turn it into "independence" instead and you will feel much happier about life, about yourself and about relationships.; December 1, 2012 at 9:24 AM
Anonymous said...: I've been dating a guy I met on-line for about 8 weeks. He just so happens to be best friends with a guy I knew in college. Initially, he was calling and/or texting every day. With every new conversation he was asking me out on another date. He travels quite a bit for work, which I was happy about because it would keep the relationship from getting too close too fast, but all of a sudden he's pulled back. The last conversation we had a couple of days ago, he closed with "Stay in touch." Maybe, it's just me, but that is something I would say to someone that I don't plan to see for awhile. We do have 2 planned dates for next weekend, but I'm starting to think they won't happen. We have not had sex and he did tell me that he is a "One Woman Man." Your thoughts?; December 1, 2012 at 11:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 1, 11:12AM,
My first thought is - don't freak out. Women should expect a man to pull back at some point in a budding relationship. It's what they do, to pace things out, test women, test their own feelings and keep from being overwhelmed by it all. So it's normal.

And it's also a critical point. If a woman freaks out, she'll put a serious dent in the progress or blow it completely. So don't do that.

Men are strange with their closing lines in conversations. I had one guy always end with, I'll call you right back. Needless to say, he never actually did call RIGHT back, LOL . . but eventually, I'd hear from him again and I just learned to accept that, for some unknown reason, that's how he chose to end his conversations. Even if he had no intention of calling right back. To him, "right back" was always 3 or 4 days later, LOL.

So if this one's acting like he's planning on not seeing you for a while, stay cool, he'll be back. Don't pursue him, don't call or text him. Let him come to you and you give him the impression here that you're a "cool" chic that keeps a level head. Because this could very well be a test.

And let's face it, no man on earth ever keeps up the pace of communication throughout a relationship like he does in the early days of it, when he's trying real hard. They get lazy, LOL. It's what they do, so expect it to slack off into a bit more of a slower pace at some point. And when it does, don't freak out.

Men like to feel free, they don't like pressure or being boxed in or feeling obligated to someone. Give him plenty of space and allow him his feeling of freedom here.

Give him some slack in the rope - and if he chooses to hang himself with it, then so be it. Chances are, he'll be back anyway, LOL.

Just relax and keep it together here.; December 1, 2012 at 11:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, YOU ROCK!!! THANK YOU!; December 1, 2012 at 1:38 PM
Anonymous said...: I WROTE TO YOU ON NOVEMBER 14 BUT DIDN'T GET A RESPONSE. THIS IS ELPEE; December 1, 2012 at 3:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror. Thank God i found this site! i need your advice. I am aries woman 28 yo and my bf cancer 33yo. He saw me in a coctail party back in 2010. and we are friend on fb.he told me since then he already had a crushed on me. The story began 2 months ago. This cancer man msg me on fb. we exchanged number and finally we met in person. he was so happy to see me. and exactly what he thinks of me. and of course i was super happy as well. i never thought that we are going that deep now.. after 1 week plus dating..i asked him if we are exclusively dating? he said of course! he wouldnt date me n then date another girl behind. i asked because i want to make things clear by end of the day. to make sure he is not looking for sex only. we started to shares alot of personal life stories. he was in relationship for 10 years since he was young 17 yo. and things changed when they grew up..but they are still good friends. and after he has another gf for 1 year and break up 3/4 months before he met me. he told me it was complicated and wont go back with his ex for sure.

At the moment he is sorting out his life.searching stable job and own apartment in paris. In the middle of Sept. i need to go to Bali for my brother weeding. he seems sad that i will leave him for 2 weeks..(of course..it was love in the air moment) and then when i was in Bali. we skyped and texto every day never missed anything. we keep tracked on each other even the timing is different. he told me that when i got back in Paris. he will already find his apartment n his new job. so i can sleep next to him every night.

I came back in Paris early October. we were so happy to see each other again. after few weeks he started showing his mood swings, depression, dissapearing for 2 days...and i was totally no idea what happened? i guess i hurt his feeling or he doesnt like me after all? and then he finally explained that he feel so terrible in deep shit..that i already came back to paris but he is still stuck in the same shit situation. nothing changed or improved and plus every morning he wakes upin the same room when he was little...(he is living in his parents house). I totally UNDERSTAND how it feels ! and i told him its ok...i will be ok soon. and then one day i told him i love him...and he said "oh..baby..." he looked into my eyes and didnt reply back (of course it was too soon! plus his situation like this).

almost 2 months i realized im giving too much to him...and i dont feel in return. so i confronted him i said sometimes i dont feel him putting me as his priority, because he started break promises, postponing date..changing plan last min...because of his mood!

(continue...); December 1, 2012 at 6:46 PM
Anonymous said...: (continue from the previous post...)and he told me again about his problem. now his priority is his job and apartment! he cant feel happy without it. even he has amazing gf but his situation is not good. which i am very understand after he explained. and i said we can work it out together..but one day, i got fed up from his breaking promises..and i dont feel as priority. so i wrote him a long letter to break up. the next day he asked to meet. he didnt want to break up. he said he admit his mistake by breaking promise n stuffs..but its very difficult for him with his situation. he said its easier for both of us if we are single. but he didnt want it, because he already found me and i am already in his life and part of his life now..plus he had a crushed on me since 2 years ago! how can he let me go now..and he said he is always here for me...he wont look for other girl.. he just need time..it will be ok.. so we patched back after...in anyway i always good to him. and maybe too available for him....and Another weeks...well his mood is up n down...one day he told me he is very sick (mentally) and he is staying in his room and didnt go to his brother birthday party. and then he texted me that " He has to confess to me that i am such a good person and he feel the loves and affectionate and care from me. but he is not sure he deserved it..he lost trust/confident in himself and person. and he said when he sort out his problem. i will be the one that he want to spend life with." i was so shocked and happy and sad at the same time.i told him again we can work it out together and im here if you need to talk or help. so i am starting to give him a space and time... but i realized day by day i feel distance and something is missing from our relationship. less msgs, 1 short call per day and didnt even talk much anymore, nothing intimate, nothing sweet or romantic just like a casual conversation about works and rarely meet him.

Last 4 days ago we met only 2 hours and end of the day before he catch his train back to his parents home. i told him something is wrong..i feel we are in a distant. unlike a couple anymore. i gave him time to work...but doesnt mean you are forgetting that you still have your gf...and i know im not his priority now. but at least when he meet me, he can be sweet and miss me, right? but he seems NOT! and he kinda agree that he feel the distant...and then he had to go to catch the train. he told me that will continue the conversation when he reached home. but when he called me he was quiet and sound sad...but never want to start the topic again. (very typical him) he will never bring confrontation subject first. so i let him be. and he said he will go back and work. we speak later...he said kiss you...and i didnt reply back. and he said hey hoh..i give you kiss (bisous is normally before hang up the phone with someone close/good friends) and i said ok speak later.. arround 2.30am i texted him i said sorry i didnt reply your kiss. and he replied "good night sweety". that was his last msg and things are still hanging without any decission are made. until now i havent heard from him but he was liking my new photo on fb yesterday.

and i guess i have told him everything. now is his part to make the move. right? or what should i do????? im so confused ! sometimes i want to end it ! because its hurting me. but sometimes i think back his words when he sorted out his problem then he will feel good with me...and i know he is very sincere, fragile, loyal man, and very very kind person. just because of wrong time. should i break it?

Omg i hope you understand my broken english! Appreciated your advice! Thank you very much. X; December 1, 2012 at 6:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, you'd be proud (and surprised) to hear that... I did NOT respond to his text after his 8 day disappearance. (Go BITCH!)

It's the 5th day of my NC, and I don't really feel like doing the whole mirroring thing with him anymore (i.e. respond in 8 days) - even though it sounds fun in theory. I'm more inclined to do the 30 days of NC, mainly for myself.

Also, my fear of losing the upperhand is greater than my fear of losing him.

I do miss him and want him even more - and my brain is constantly trying to trick me into finding reasons to reach out to him. But I have increased self-awareness and clarity this time around.

Even if he were to text me again, I won't respond because he likely won't get back to me for another 8 days..and during those 8 days, I will feel - again - the desperate, emotional need to win.

I am just happier, more stable, when I'm not involved with him.

Is it possible that when a man does reappear and his communications are short, it just means he is LOSING interest - and not that they're doing it so the woman will chase him?

I checked her social media updates (yes, I need to quit doing this!), and found out he bought her a pretty dress today (it's her birthday at the end of the month), and she was all giddy about it.

It made me think that by NC-ing him, it is actually causing him to like and appreciate her more because she is the better choice (she's understanding, and wouldn't ignore him like I would).

So maybe he could be losing interest in me (hence the 8 day disappearance) as a result of me being less and less available (and sweet).

Not that it affects my decision to NC him, but if you can help me understand the situation a little more, I'd love that! Thank you again. :)

- Vivian; December 1, 2012 at 8:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Elpee,
I didn't respond earlier because . . well, because it's obvious what you need to do. He's clearly living with the other woman now. Pay no attention to his words, only his actions.

You need to leave him.; December 2, 2012 at 8:05 AM
Anonymous said...: So I've been seen this guy for two months already but he was working out of the city so we were texting the whole time he was there, everyday. When he got back we met twice(4 dates in total).The last one we were in a make out session and he tried to have sex but I politelly said no. He behave normally the next day we kissed and he said 'see you later' when he left. Three days later I sent a casual text asking some ramdon stuff. It's been 4 days already and he didn't reply yet.. What does it mean?He gave up because I haven't give sex to him? What should I do?; December 2, 2012 at 8:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Anonymous Dec. 1 6:47AM,
Well honestly, I think he's done a pretty good job of respecting you and communicating properly with you here. I believe everything he's saying and honestly, I think he's mentally ill - I think he's suffering from depression.

As a result, I don't think any of this has anything to do with you, I think it's him. His issues and his mental state. You'd be best to give him lots of space right now. If you push him when he's in this mental state, he will disappear. So don't push, don't initiate communication and try to move on with your life.

If he gets it together and feels good about himself again, then he'll come seek you out. If he doesn't, then so be it. It wasn't meant to be.

Besides, you need to seriously consider whether or not you want to devote yourself to someone who suffers from depression and doesn't treat it, medically. Because someone who suffers mental illness and doesn't treat it - will never get better. And they won't be enjoyable to be around and there will be constant drama and constant depression.

So think about that. And make sure you really want it. He should be taking something for his depression and he isn't . . .which means it will just go on and on. Honestly, he sounds bi-polar to me. That's when someone falls into a deep deep depression, then weeks or days or months later - they're way up - feeling very good. Then weeks, days, months later - they're way down, feeling very bad.

It's a roller coaster ride. Do you want to be on that? You need to think about this . . .you deserve to be happy. And if he won't help himself, you can't help him either.; December 2, 2012 at 8:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
I'm hearing lots of fear, self doubt and competitive drive in your comment. But very little about feelings for this man. Your feelings are more about competing, winning, fear of losing and doubting yourself.

In otherwords, all of this has very little to do with this man and more to do with you. But somehow, you've projected all of this on this particular man, when it's really about you working through your own issues here.

Again, I don't think you really like this guy. I think you want to "win" him away from this other girl (compete). And because you can't, it heightens fear and the fear brings on self doubt.

You see, it has very little to do with him.

I don't think anything you're doing is creating distance here. I don't think it's the NC creating distance. Honestly Vivian, I think it's the fact that he's involved with someone right now. And somehow, you've decided that you want to win him away - as if that will make you happy. But honestly, I think even if this man gave you 100% of his attention and decided to be with you - you wouldn't want him.

You'd have won - so you'd move on.

I think this is less about him and more about you - proving a point - to yourself. And that is - that you can win.

I have a girlfriend that does the very same thing. She'll go to battle for a guy. For months, she'll zoom in on him. Then, when he wants to be with her, she loses interest and never ends up with him. But she feels good about herself - because she won.

So I really think, Vivian, that you don't feel good about yourself, so you've made this man a little project of sorts, to prove to yourself that you're good enough - if you win him.

You don't have to prove anything to yourself or anyone else, honey. You are good enough. You don't have to compete, you don't have to win. You don't have to do any of this at all. It's keeping you in a state of turmoiled emotions, trying to prove to yourself that you can win. It's hurting you, not helping you.

And that's why the NC is working for you. Because it's helping you detach and realize that you really don't want him or need him. You even said yourself that "my fear of losing the upperhand is greater than my fear of losing him." And, " I am just happier, more stable, when I'm not involved with him." And, "Even if he were to text me again, I won't respond because he likely won't get back to me for another 8 days..and during those 8 days, I will feel - again - the desperate, emotional need to win."

The NC is helping you to understand that this really isn't about him - it's about you. It's about you trying to prove to yourself that you're good enough, that you can win. He just happens to have become the tool that you're using to accomplish this is all.

Stay strong, Vivian. Keep up the NC and in about a month - I think you're going to find that you don't think about him that much anymore. And someday, you're going to look back on all this and wonder what the hell was even so special about him, LOL. You're going to wonder why the hell you even did this ;-)

This is about you, Vivian. You're going through a period of self growth and self awareness here. And that's a good thing. And when you come out of this, you're going to be the better person for it. You're going to be happy someday, you'll see :-); December 2, 2012 at 8:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 2, 8:08AM,
At this point, early in the relationship, it could mean anything. But realize, all men eventually pull away a bit. No man, or woman, keeps up the constant communication forever. Even couples that have been married for 20 years don't text all day long, every single day. So it's normal and you should always expect a man to pull away a bit. They also do this to test women.

Read this article, it was written by a man. A self-proclaimed "player" no less that goes by the name of Emmyboy:

http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

Read the section "Suddenly Stop Calling Her."; December 2, 2012 at 8:54 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm the Anonymous from Dec 2, 8:08AM Thanks Mirror!! All my friends are saying he's not interested anymore and I should move on but I really like him and I don't fall for someone so easily. I'm just worry he gave up on me because we didn't have sex and got the vibe that I don't want just sex ,this silent might be his way of saying "I don't want a relationship just sex". I know I'm reading between the lines but I'm so frustrated and feeling rejected :/; December 2, 2012 at 10:52 AM
miss_sunshine said...: Dear God, Mirror! You sound like my sister… she has known me all my life and sees through me as if I were made of glass. Cool! I guess my emotional instability is more obvious that I presumed, but I’m glad to have you also here to point things out about what would be clever and healthy to do.

You’re perfectly right, that’s for sure. I believe we all get to meet people that raise in us the challenge to deal with our own insecurities and fears and anxieties. Most of all I hate making the same mistake over and over again. Hopefully I’ll learn what is to be learned and carry on. And if I cannot help making mistakes, I’d be happier to know they are new ones. :P:P Basically it all comes to this, I guess: if we don’t love ourselves we cannot truly expect others to do that. I keep telling myself that. And at some point it must work!
Trust issues are to be found in so many people, and you must believe me that I’ve seen them closer than I wished (I worked as a psychologist for more than 7 years, ironic, isn’t it?!) The crazy part is that it’s soooo much easier to analyze and guide others than it is to make it work for myself. I hate it when I am such a great adviser but I fail to follow my own indications. LOL! I sometimes find myself so wrapped up in my own unrealistic and emotionally-driven thoughts that I cannot see reality clearly. And that’s when one loses control. But be confident, now that I’ve become more aware of how things are I’m doing all I can to stick to this path.

Also I read what you replied to Vivian. I find myself in that story somehow too, because I guess at some point the need to make a point before yourself can be so powerful and can temporarily blindfold you. That’s definitely not true love towards another person. That’s just the EGO speaking out loud. In my case, I realized that I sometimes did not despise that much the thought of losing him, as I hated not being RIGHT about something. Silly, I know! I’m walking through fire here! :P

Thanks a lot!; December 2, 2012 at 3:14 PM
miss_sunshine said...: ... and one more thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6ekQn2OA-A

this woman knows what she's talking about! enjoy; December 2, 2012 at 5:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror of Aphrodite, I wrote to him ..... but don't worry, it was nothing long. I kept it short. It was his sisters birthday this weekend and she was holding it at the bar and he asked if I was going to join his sister for her party. From what I saw on fb, he was going to go out of town for one of his other buddies birthday, it's a 2 hr. drive. This is how the conversation went, if you'd even call it that.

Him: Not joining my sister tonight for her birthday party?
Me: No I had other plans. (which I did) Have a good night in (city name)
Him. Oh. Okay. Thanks. Goodnight to you too.

:/ Do I regret writing to him? Apart of me says yes but then another part of me isn't regretful. And I know I may have just ruined everything for myself but these games that we play, it's getting really old. I don't have the patience to put up with it anymore. Everything happens for a reason and maybe theres a reason why we aren't happening. If I really did blow up my chance of ever being with him, just by sending that one sentence to him .. there's a reason for that and maybe it was suppose to happen that way. :/ After writing to him, I made the decision to not speak to him for awhile. I deactivated my facebook acct because facebook still allowed me to keep in touch with him and see how he's doing. I don't want to observe him from affair. And thankfully I'm phoneless atm. This no contact, this time around, isn't for me to try and win his attention but it's for myself. I need time to myself to kind of regroup and recharge my batteries. Get my head together and focus on what I really want. I just wanted to apologize. I know you've put real thought into all of your responses to me and I'm sorry if you're disappointed that I wasn't able to pull through. :( Hopefully by having no contact with him, I'll be able to move on, once and for all.

- Kissmyass; December 2, 2012 at 5:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KissMyAss,
I think it's the right thing to do - because it's you taking a stance. Making a decision for yourself - to look out for yourself.

That'll be the greatest lesson of all :-); December 2, 2012 at 7:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror of Aphrodite,

I am back again. Scorpiolady, if you remember. I was dating a fellow scorpio myself (I'm 21 and he's 20), but he suddenly went MIA. His last text said something along the lines of "Goodnight, I'll talk to you tomorrow" to which I replied within a few minutes a simple, "Goodnight :)" Anyway. I didn't hear anything from him, neither did I contact him, and about 4 to 5 days later, I got wind that he had "ended" it/"rejected" me (this show's over, for his group of friends...). Much to my shock.

I am not pining for him, nor did I allow myself, my self esteem, whatsoever, to take any beating from this. I actually owe this to what happened earlier this year... I was smitten by this Libra guy (23), I believe there was an attraction when we met... Also, he was a flirt/player. Finally, I had it when he didn't contact me for a week. During the weekend, at a friend's party, I treated him as a mere acquaintance. Afterward, I actually allowed myself to cry everything out (at home)... in an effort to purge him from my system. I cried because to me, this was my way of ending everything. At that moment, I realised that if I wanted to get into any sort of relationship with anybody, it's because it would make me a happier person... but in this case, with the confusion, and watching him flirt by the sidelines, I was unhappy, and distracted from my studies, etc. I forced myself to find happiness inward... and I looked to my friends who cheered me up tremendously (my dear strong scorpio friend told me, "Forget him. He is dispensible" LOL). Sure he reached back. I didn't use NC because I didn't know about it then. Instead, I would reply back like a normal friend, making it clear as day that we were just normal friends now. Recently, there was a camp in which we were both helping out, and he stuck around me a lot, which was amusing. But unfortunately, I've become a hardhearted bitch.

Through that incident, I really grew from the pain. Which is why in this current situation, I allowed myself a day to stabilise from my shock, without shedding a single tear, before going on about my daily activities i.e. study for my exams, and I didn't particularly miss scorpio guy's absence. A guy friend who knows both of us, but is closer to me, advised me, "Forget about him. He's never going to contact you again."

But I suppose I need closure. Ultimately, as much as I try to stay strong, it's affected me. It isn't so much about him. He's appeared in my dreams, just momentarily, and all I would take out from my dream is a feeling of abandonment and loneliness.

But last night, I was looking through a forum from your links beneath your article. I came across all these "advice" from boys to boys... and it's just very... enlightening. They were rating girls on their looks on a scale of 10... and saying things like, giving a girl 2 strikes... etc... Apparently when a girl shows low interest, they give her two chances to "reject" a guy before they drop her hot and move on. They talk about girls like they're not without feelings. More like objects/projects. They start out the relationship very superficially, while for us girls when we begin something, we look for something "deeper"... And that's just not the case with the guys.

Well, that killed it for me. There's nothing for me to feel upset about. I probably committed more than 2 strikes, and he's gone... but now that I know there's nothing more to it, I really do feel enlightened.

Thank you Mirror for all your help and advice. I've been reading the comments section regularly to help me through this.; December 2, 2012 at 11:42 PM
patient@woman said...: hello ;

i need some reassurance here;

when a man backs off due to a pushy naggy womans over flow of feelings, and that scares the man away and he decides he cannot commit and starts a more friendly, carefree sort of relation , stress free, obligations free, and a woman then realises so and decides to give him his space and also respond to his calls but in a carefree and cool manner !!

after we shared lots of feelings; if we maintain the care free cool communication for 2 months, and i never initiated a call or a text, can that bring back the intimate loving caring feelings once more by time??

we were in a relation for more than a year .... after first month of dating, when i started to show possession; he backed off and made it clear he cannot handle commitment and pressure, then when i showed him i am cool and so , he came back beautifully and we were in love for a year

then again few months ago, i exerted too much pressure and initiating dates etc and so he backs off and states it clear once more

but its been too months now of casual friendly talks..... i am being very patient playing it cool but i dont see it coming my way !

he is caring in the sense that he calls me daily few times and he is not seeing anyone else but how long will he require space before he feels he misses me??

he has done it before and it didnt take that long,and we enjoyed wonderful intimate romantic relation for many months....

is it over??? i will never confront or ask him , i am just waiting for things to click again after i showed him i am doing it ur way... but i am losing control, i am on different wavelength

i wait for his call, his voice to me is melody while he is talking to me as if i am an old buddy:((

i didnt stop loving him ; i just ceased to show it , i am pretending to be someone i am not just in prospects of attracting him back to me...

it is ofcourse making me suffer because i have a mask on when he calls; i make sure i have lots of general stories to tell rather than have an awkward moment of silence in the call; because he set the rules; he wants no commitment or intimate or love relation:( but remember i never ever called him, not once, he does ....

pls help

thanx; December 3, 2012 at 3:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ScorpioLady,
Yep, and that's precisely the reason that I advise women NOT to get too emotionally wrapped up and upset about the majority of these guys. Men like that are punks and insecure players. And they treat dating like a sport, like a numbers game. They don't view women as human beings with feelings and they're very ignorant and rude. Which is why being a bitch (babe in total control of herself) is very necessary when dating - to weed through the punks, players and users. And to see through all of their manipulation and less than honorable cheap talk and behavior.

When it comes to men like that, I look at that through the same lens they look at us women - they're disposable. They're only men. We're smarter than they are and all of the women here are better people than they are.

Who deserve better than those men can offer. And I love nothing more than to give men like that a dose of their own medicine. Not to be rude or mean, but to learn a lesson.

And that lesson is: Do not trifle with a good woman - because she'll beat you at your own game :-)

I firmly believe that a good woman can outsmart, outwit and out think a man - any day of the week.

Gentlemen don't deserve that, but those punks and players - dish it out to them in large servings ;-); December 3, 2012 at 8:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec. 3, 3:06AM,
Well, my question to you is . . why do you expect a man that doesn't want a commitment or a relationship - to enter into one with you? Because each time he does go along with it, it'll only be a matter of time before he ends it. Why? Because he doesn't want it in the first place.

Rather than beat your head against the wall attempting to get a man who doesn't want a commitment, to commit to you - why not stop wasting your time and just move on instead?

Any "relationship" you have with this man - will ALWAYS come to an end. Because it's not what he wants and he's stated that, numerous times.

So give him what he wants - his freedom. And let him live with the consequences of that decision.

Begin "no contact" immediately with him and do not answer any calls or texts for 30 days:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And let him learn a lesson here and let him live with the consequences of his decision:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Give him exactly what he wants - let him go be free and see what happens when he actually gets what he wants ;-); December 3, 2012 at 8:31 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror

How are you? Women in deep despair here (re: my postings 10/10 and 9 Nov 2.42/2.47). Thank you for your helpful replies, I have not had a chance yet to watch “The secret”, but I intend to, I have bought a book too ("Ask and it is given, the law of attraction") in which I will read, once I have watched “the secret”. At the moment I am reading “shades of grey”, now that’s a fantasy if I have ever heard of one. ??

I am now a daily reader of the various post and your helpful answers. You have quite a few regulars (me included) and I wonder to myself are these men worth wasting our time and energy on? And when it comes down to it “can you really make a man want you"?

Looking back at my past relationships I regret all the time wasted being upset / heartbroken on various men, (even chasing them) and here I am again in the same situation. And will probably look back in six months or a years time, I will be angry with myself for wasting my energy on someone who (I think) doesn’t really care? Otherwise I would have heard by now, surely?

I am pleased to say (so far) I have not made contact. (after 8 weeks of him pulling the disappearing act). Mirror you mention that he may have a few things going on like, moving and I know he was travelling abroad to visit his family for two weeks roughly around now. So I don’t want to bother him. Because I fear if I did text, he wouldn’t respond, or if he did he would be just a friendly text, with no mention of meeting up for a date. Whereas in my heart, I would love to meet up and continue dating him.

But my question is, if a man really likes you, they wouldn’t want to disappear, they would want to stay in contact, don’t you agree ??

Unfortunately, I do still think of him a lot and of course time dulls the pain and the agony worrying and thinking why did he disappear? Over the weeks I have been waiting to hear from him but to no avail..

And now I think to myself was it just a “two month fling” (to him that is) and he didn’t have the guts to say to me that he wanted to stop seeing me (even in a text).. therefore a coward. When I couldn’t find fault with him always the total gentleman, stuck to his word and great company and dates (the perfect date). And to be honest, I let him do the chasing, I wasn’t emotional or act needy.

Of course the only time he DIDN’T stick to his word was when he was meant to text me on the Friday to confirm the date at the weekend, which he didn’t and so I ended up texting him on the Saturday to ask if he was going ahead, to which he replied 9 hours later with an excuse saying he was looking for a house (which was true as he had to be out of his present property in a weeks time). Usually if he cancelled a date, he would have fixed another but this time he didn’t. And also with the 9 hours response, he has never done that before. So I feel not confirming the date and taking 9 hours to respond, he was trying to show me he actually wasn’t really bothered about me anymore? And also if I had not had texted him in the first place to find out what was going on – would I have ever heard from him up to this point.?

Yes, it was dates, and I wasn’t an “official girlfriend” I guess obviously I liked him more than he must have liked me.. For me, I find it hurts so badly as I didn’t get closure, and I wish now with his last text he sent, (only to tell me the date was off) that I didn’t respond and say “I get the feeling you don’t want to see me anymore? “ but I couldn’t bring myself to say this and in my mind at the time I actually thought “oh give it a week he may contact me and ask for a date”. But he never did.; December 3, 2012 at 4:35 PM
Anonymous said...: (women in deep despair cont....)..

I just feel he didn’t want to see me anymore, but just was a coward in the end, as he couldn’t tell me. What is wrong with men, why do they have to just disappear and do the easy way out.. ??? that’s what I can’t get over.. just silence, (I have never experienced this before, seems to be a modern day thing I guess) and leave the women hurt and broken hearted, and loss of self esteem, holding out for him. And he doesn’t give two hoots!!! (or maybe he has met someone else?)

In the weeks that have gone by I thought I would have may have met someone to distract me, so my thoughts wouldn’t have been on him, but alas I haven’t.

I was wondering, I don’t think he deserves a
Happy Christmas or even a Happy New years text message, but do you think it would be ok to text him in January and just say “Hi etc.”? x; December 3, 2012 at 4:36 PM
Rochelle said...: Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,

You give some really great advice, especially theme in not letting man ever feel like he has complete power. I also agree with mirroring behavior to some degree-contact him after he has contacted you, fall off the face of the earth if he does, etc. But there's one part I have a different view on--when he pulls away and reappears (after sex or any other situation), to do the "wait 3 days and reply" strategy each time you hear from him again acting warm enough but slightly nonchalant... *each time* won’t the game will go on forever until one is tired of it and leaves? Especially pulling the strategy with texting, he may sense he's less important but he will also know you're waiting 3 days to get back at him, and shit testing him, as no one typically takes 3 days to reply to a text. Guys are smart enough to see it. I've tried this and yes, mirroring him in that way IS keeping him around, but not the real answer to bringing him closer for the long haul if you're looking for love. So in your experience, I am wondering at what point did he stop the game all the time, feel more emotionally attached and want to consistently be there?

I ask since I have tried your type of tactic (before coming here) and what has happened is they work their way back in eventually but then at some point, they disappear trying even harder to get me to chase them. My opinion is if you keep the same pattern, i.e., deliberately waiting to contact him each time he disappears and acting like you don't care,it keeps the challenge up for him but he'll get you will let him back into his space if he works hard enough; because men of creatures of habit. If we want an emotional connection and not some superficial connection where we just know we'll be "keeping him around" we have to use our feminine power of authenticity too.

When we hear from them again, why not show him, with words and action that while you aren't manipulative, controlling or overly emotional, you aren't blind either *and* DON'T want to play his game? When he reappears, keep the conversation short and also call him out on his game (without being needy, emotional and blaming). How many women have the confidence to be that authentic anyway? Most don't in fear of losing him. Chances are he'll say no he isn't doing anything, but his actions will change because he'll see you aren't willing to play his game and not intimidated by him. Furthermore, he'll think you're one of a kind because he isn't used to that direct approach, sees you stand up for yourself, are comfortable enough in your own skin to say that, and also wonder "how does she know?"

He'll start to think you're special, think you “understand him” and that he can just be himself with you. If we're authentic towards men without being "emotional" and blaming, it causes them to feel safe with being authentic too because then they get that we love ourselves and embrace our feelings. It makes them want to embrace them too and stop this game playing nonsense on both sides. Which is great for us because we don't want to play his game! This more straightforward approach has worked for me but then I decided I didn't want him anyway for other reasons. lol; December 3, 2012 at 4:39 PM
Rochelle said...: Continuing my thoughts,

Guys act like players and use these strategies to keep their own guard up when they are tired of rejection. They are confused and think it's the best way they can get a girl. Their POV is "ok if pursuing women hasn't worked, I should get them to pursue me" And this works on most women so they keep doing it...and with me, it's more self-sabotaging to them than a winning strategy.

I feel kinda sorry for guys like this. But I won't compromise myself for them by jumping through hoops for them just because I feel sorry for them. :-)

So yeah my take on it is be hard to get but also be authentic, rather than acting casual like you don't care if he keeps doing it. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!; December 3, 2012 at 4:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Woman In Deep Despair,
"I wonder to myself are these men worth wasting our time and energy on?"

No, LOL.

"And when it comes down to it “can you really make a man want you"?"

Again, no. You can only try tactics like "no contact." But nothing is a guarantee in life.

"I will be angry with myself for wasting my energy on someone who (I think) doesn’t really care?"

Yes, you will.

"Otherwise I would have heard by now, surely?"

Yes.

"But my question is, if a man really likes you, they wouldn’t want to disappear, they would want to stay in contact, don’t you agree ??"

Absolutely. Even the one's that "test" women by playing "the game" risk losing her and therefore, we can assume are only "half interested." Meaning, if she'll chase, they'll sleep with her - then disappear again anyway.

"So I feel not confirming the date and taking 9 hours to respond, he was trying to show me he actually wasn’t really bothered about me anymore?"

Well if anything, he was showing you that you weren't his priority :-(

"And also if I had not had texted him in the first place to find out what was going on – would I have ever heard from him up to this point?"

It's highly likely :-(

"I wish now with his last text he sent, (only to tell me the date was off) that I didn’t respond and say “I get the feeling you don’t want to see me anymore?"

Why? So he can reject you again? So you hurt yourself again? His actions are doing the talking, you don't need to go through the pain of him saying it as well. Don't bother doing that to yourself and never hand a man an opportunity to reject you like that.

"Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."; December 3, 2012 at 5:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Woman In Deep Despair,
"I was wondering, I don’t think he deserves a
Happy Christmas or even a Happy New years text message, but do you think it would be ok to text him in January and just say “Hi etc.”?"

Absolutely NOT.

Again, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."; December 3, 2012 at 5:36 PM

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