"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”
Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value



Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man.  And never settle for being a booty call.  Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction


It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods.  He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you.  He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are.  Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating.  Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place.  Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open.  But do this on your time and as you see fit.  Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:
  • “Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
  • "When we live together someday. . ."
  • “Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
  • “I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”
Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished.  He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here.  In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.  

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication


Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact.  Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:
  • a couple of grunts
  • some high-fives
  • and some laughs
Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them


Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves


This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory


When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me?  Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you.  He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on." 

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions.  Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:
  • He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
  • He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do. 
In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate.  And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF). 

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring


If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again.  Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook.  You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this.  You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him.  You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention.  Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions.  You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree.  In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies.  Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious.  Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him.  He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him.  So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage.  And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time.  He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back.  Nagging and chasing is what he expects.  You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects.  Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method


Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method."  And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases.  It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring.  A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing.  So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase


For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up."  When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack."  Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights



Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.  

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him.  If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill


Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill.  Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought


Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading


"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *


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UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

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Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sept. 24, 11:52PM,
I don't even know what to say about this one other than - coward. He's a coward.

Apparently, he didn't feel the relationship was going to develop into something more and when he decided to end it - he failed to tell you this. That's a coward. That's also incredibly disrespectful.

I wouldn't worry about him coming back. And if he did, if it were me, I wouldn't give him the time of day. He is obviously unable to communicate on an adult level, he is disrespectful and he's emotionally immature.

There's a book out there, it's called "The Manual." And it's written by a self-proclaimed player. And in it, he refers to this type of man, the type that ends a relationship in a very disrespectful manner. And his advice to women is to never speak to them ever again. Anyone who has disrespected you does not deserve respect FROM you. Nor do they deserve any of your attention.

Find a man worthy of your attention and affections and thank your lucky stars that this one revealed himself to be an ignorant, disrespectful coward.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sept. 25 2:22AM,
He may be a player. He may also be insecure or feel guilty which would explain his distance and his lack of initiating contact.

If you don't have strong feelings for him, you may want to consider moving on. Because it appears that he's again either insecure or lazy as he is sitting back and waiting for you to do all the work here.

If you have strong feelings for him, contact him ONCE more and ONLY ONCE. But here's the key. When you end that conversation, you ask him to CALL YOU. You say goodbye and then follow it up with, "Gimmie a call tomorrow."

If he agrees to call you and then doesn't, walk away, he's a player or he's not interested enough to make him put any effort into this. If he does what he says and he calls you, then you proceed in that same manner from that day forward - asking him to call you at the end of each conversation. You don't call or text him after that, you wait to see if he's going to continue to follow through.

That way, you get to gauge his true interest and his true intentions.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sept. 23 12:58PM,
Well, you're both with other people and What you're each doing isn't fair to the people that you're with. If you're both unhappy with those you're with, you should leave them and end the relationships and let them find their happiness with others who actually want to be with them.

Second, you can't get something healthy off the ground when it starts out toxic. And when there's 4 people involved instead of two, it's a toxic situation. It's toxic because the reason your both so attracted to one another could have absolutely nothing to do with a real attraction - and everything to do with wanting out of your relationships that you're currently unhappy in but won't end. You're both getting the attention from each other that your obviously not getting in your current relationships and it could be that the attraction feels electric only because of the excitement factor involved due to the fact that your both in relationships with others. So what you're doing is wrong, a bit taboo, and THAT'S what's creating the feeling of excitement and attraction. Additionally, it could be a lot of fantasizing and very little reality. That's what happens in these situations, lots of fantasizing about what COULD be, what MIGHT be - but very little thought given to the reality of what it IS, which is something unhealthy and toxic to all involved that could hurt people here.

You said you didn't trust him at all and you shouldn't. If he'll do this WITH you while he's involved with someone else, he'll do this TO you if he's ever involved with you as well. And that's another reason these situations are toxic. Bulding a relationship out of a situation that starts off like this only results in both parties NEVER fully trusting one another. And trust is needed for any relationship. There's an old saying, "If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you." And there are some folks, men and women both, who "transition" from one relationship to another because they don't do the right thing and just end it and fear being alone. So if he's going to transition out of one relationship and move into another immediately with you . . you can bet that someday, if or when he ends up unhappy in a relationship with you - he'll transition out of it and into one with someone else immediately, as he's toying with the idea of doing here.

If a relationship were to be started under those circumstances, it could end up that you were both simply seeking a way out of your current relationships and the attraction you felt was only an illusion related to that.

Continued below . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...


He's disappearing because I'm sure he realizes all of this. Men aren't stupid and he may not see a real future here because of all of this - he may only be stroking his ego with the attention he's receiving from you that he's not getting in his current relationship. He's unsure about any future with you and he's unsure about whether or not to end his current relationship, so he's simply toying with the idea and he's not serious about it, which is why he reappears (to receive some excitement and an ego stroke) and then he disappears (because he knows it's wrong and he's unsure of whether or not there's a future with you due to the circumstances).

You will never know if any of this is real between you unless you end your current relationships and give it an honest go. Otherwise, it could be that your both just unhappy in your current relationships and you're clinging to one another to make yourselves feel better and the feeling of excitement and attraction may just be related to the fact that what you're doing is wrong - which is what makes it exciting.

Either way, he's clearly unsure, which is why he's disappearing. He knows what he's doing is wrong and he may be feeling guilty and confused. As a result, he's only toying with the idea but he's not making any real moves towards making it a reality with you.

So at this point, what you have is only a flirtatious connection with one another. If you're in love with him, you should do the right thing and release the man you're with from your relationship so that he can find happiness for himself. Don't create bad karma for yourself by stringing him along.

If the man you're flirting with sees that you're available, he may do the same and end his relationship as well. Or he may not. And if that's the case, then you'll know for sure. And even if he doesn't and you two don't end up together, at least you did the right thing by showing the man you're with right now some respect and ending that relationship because you're in love with someone else. And then you can move on and find happiness as well.

Anonymous said...

Do men find it attractive when girls speak their mind? Because I just gave my guy a piece of my mind lol. Not in a mean bitchy way ... but in a confident way and I wasn't attacking him by any means, I was simply telling him the truth. This is what I said ..


Let’s be honest here. The greatest way to gain perspective is if you put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I've put myself in your shoes before and I can understand where you're coming from. The whole respect thing with my siblings is great. You care about what other people think when I don't. And that doesn't mean that I don't respect my siblings, it's their lack of respect and understanding towards me. (different subject) Your bad "rep" that you talk about .. I could careless about it. People talk, that's just how it is. But I'm also able to read between the lines and I know what you really mean when you're telling me that you aren't "ready."

I'm more disappointed than mad. You've been treating this as one big joke from the very beginning. You played on my emotions and treated me as an object without feeling. Everything you did, you did it for your own enjoyment and because I cared about you (with time), I allowed you to treat me that way. You never really took the time to know me, instead, you strung me along to feed your own ego. And it just makes me look like an idiot because I actually trusted that you were a nice guy, not necessarily saying that you’re a bad guy, you may just be bad for me. Everything would’ve been fine if you hadn’t tried to get my attention after the confrontation. I would’ve been able to accept it and move on and I would’ve replied back when I was ready to … yet you only think about yourself. So don’t play the guilt trip on me when you suffer no guilt whatsoever. The old I was young, shy, and easily manipulated by you. I’m a big girl now .. someone who has grown to respects herself and doesn’t permit others to disrespect her. Stop messaging me/txting me and delete those pictures of me off of your phone. Thanks.


What do you think? Bad or good idea?

Anonymous said...

Hi. I was the anonymous scorpio witht he taurus man (wrote on Sept 23). I read the article you linked to about player men (very interesting btw, thank u!). Just wondering if you think that could be the case w my guy since you replied to my post with that. I don't think this particular guy is like that, since I've known him so many years and we finally admitted our feelings for eachother that have slowly grown over time. I am deeply in love with him (he doesn't know that part) and I thnk he feels the same but we are both afraid to admit it or tell the other first out of fear of rejection. I wouldn't be so afraid if he hadn't run away so many times. (But he has always come back..)

Anonymous said...

Hi...so sorry....I hadn't seen your reply when I wrote last night...I just saw it. You are soooooo right about everything, and I know I need to let him go. About us being w other people, I didn't really explain the situation in my first post. I am separated with no plans on getting divorced....it is an arrangement we have for financial reasons and for our kids. (Weird I know). We love eachother but know we cannot be together. I think he may even have a gf, idk. My taurus has been on and off with his gf for 2 years. They fight all the time and are horrible for eachother. She is super jealous, possessive and mean to him. He doesn't love her, so idk why he stays w her. I think he feels sorry for her. He even told me they never have sex anymore. He knows I'm separated but never asks about it so maybe he's afraid I will get back together with my husband, but I'm not going to. Anyway your advice hit hard but was so right on. And I don't wanna get hurt more than I already have been. So I need to let him go so he can work things out with her. I'm tired of his games anyway. And that's probably all they ever were. Thank you...you have no idea how important your advice was for me. :( I refuse to be used just to boost someones ego, even though I am in love with him...

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sept. 25, 6:40PM,
You took a stand for yourself - good for you! But what you need to realize is that, when you level with someone like that, they may or may not choose to return.

Some men will think on it and come to the conclusion that they played a part in it and that what you said about them was true. They'll take a look in the mirror and want to make good on it.

Other men may only laugh at it and not take it seriously. Those ones usually show up again and act like nothing ever happened. And that's because they cannot communicate on a certain level. They may be emotionally immature or lack the skills to do so. They may feel guilty, embarassed or humiliated - it really depends on the individual themselves.

In either case, I think you did the right thing. And if he doesn't come back or apologize in some manner or accept some responsibility for his actions and behavior - then you don't want that type of man in your life anyways so be thankful.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sept. 26, 12:10PM,
I think you've got a good grip on the situation. You just need to seperate fantasy from overriding reality and keep things in perspective is all. (I know it's easy to get caught up in all the warm, fuzzy thoughts of what might be, but for your own good, try to keep it all in perspective is all, so you don't get hurt.)

He may say he doesn't love his girlfriend, but he is choosing to stay with her. So keep that in mind. If a guy is truly unhappy, they generally bolt faster than lightening.

Also, being seperated but remaining with your spouse for whatever reasons (which I understand) will cause problems for you I think. Because others may not understand and let's face it, it'd be extremely difficult to date someone in that situation. Try to put yourself in his shoes - how would you feel dating a man that is still married and living with his wife? That's a tough one and it's a lot to ask of someone. Regretfully, it may keep you like a hamster, locked in a wheel and running in place for a while. I think women may be a little more apt to accept "another woman" situation in some cases . . but men, their egos and pride really don't permit them to be very accepting of that, ya' know?

To be honest, I know you love your kids and I know times are tough, but this will be a tough situation for you, you may want to consider getting your own place and filing for child support to aid you in doing so. Otherwise, you may end up sacrificing your own happiness here. And I know you think it's best for the children, and I'm sure in many ways it is. However, they're watching all of this. They're smart, they catch on. It really won't be healthy when they discover daddy has a girlfriend, and maybe mommy has a boyfriend, but daddy and mommy live together. That's really confusing for a child's brain to process and it may skew what their perception of a healthy relationship between a man and a woman is - as they grow into adults. It could become so confusing to them, that as adults, they could develop problems forming healthy relationships of their own because their basis for what one should be is going to be the example that you and your spouse are currently setting for them.

I know that's a lot to take in and honestly, it's really none of my business. But do think about your own happiness here and that of your children as well. I know you're attempting to do the right thing for them, but that's a short term fix. And it could be that that short term fix could have long term effects in the long run. So do think about it is all. Happy and healthy is the goal :-)

Anonymous said...

It's me again (scorpio with the taurus guy) Wow you are brilliant, truly. I swear, you have given me better advice and have been more understanding than my therapist! (and you don't even know me, you aren't being paid for this.....I think you do this to really help people. If you are already not a therapist/counselor, I think you should be! You have been so helpful to me, and I cannot thank you enough for such wonderful honest advice and insight!!

I just wanted to quickly mention that I don't technically live with my spouse. He has his own place, but he is over here a lot (to see the kids and help me fix things). The financial arrangement we have is really to help both of us, because he wouldn't be able to survive if he paid child support (for 4 kids) and I didn't wanna do that to him. He stays here sometimes (but NOT in my bed) and it is really only to spend time with the kids, because he is a wonderful father to them. But we are not living together, and I am alone sometimes on weekends when he takes them.

Like I said we do love eachother, but I just wasn't happy. I love him like my best friend, but there was truly zero passion or the kind of love that I wanted my kids exposed to (when he would even touch me or try to kiss me, I would cringe, it was that bad). And all we did was fight all the time, and I was tired of seeing my kids act just like us, knowing what they were seeing, and knowing (coming from a divorced home myself) how badly it would affect them in the long run. We didn't separate because of my feelings for the other guy, but those feelings have gotten stronger and stronger over a 5 year period. So once we did separate, I felt it was ok for me to see him, but have absolutely no plans for my children to have anything to do with him, because they have a dad. Hope this makes sense....

I think about this other guy 24/7, I swear. My therapist said the same thing you did, that it is just a fantasy to take me away from my reality. And I can see that, to an extent. And I have TRIED to back away from him, and forget him, (which is hard since we work together), but just when I finally do, he will text or say something at work, or invite me out, and the feelings come rushing right back, and I can't help the strong pull I have to this man. I have read that opposites attract, like magnets. And we truly are magnetic to eachother. We can't stay away from eachother. That one time we kissed, I felt weird and told him I had not kissed any other man since before my husband, and he said he hadn't kissed another woman since he started dating his gf, and I DID believe that.

Anyway, not that it matters, but I have heard from one of his closest friends (a girl) that he is so miserable in that relationship, and he does seem to walk around all depressed and mopey all the time. Except when he talks to me. he will suddenly get a huge smile on his face, even though I try my best to hide the giddy 16 year old girl I become in front of him. This has all been pretty innocent (other than very racy texts....like I said we have never been intimate, other than that one kiss, and I don't think even that would have happened if we had not been drinking) - we are BOTH very shy, introverted people, so it takes a LOT for either of us to talk to the other one, if that makes sense.

I don't know......I guess all I can do is wait, and see if he one day decides to leave his gf, and you are probably right...he probably won't. I think she may provide security to him that he needs, and I can't do that. He may even want children (remember I said he is younger than me) and I am done having kids.

The whole situation is heart breaking, because I just feel deep in my gut that he feels the same way, but there is nothing we can do about it. At least not now.

Thank you again for the great advice. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. It really did open my eyes to many things. You are the best!

Anonymous said...

wow i have a taurus male friend just like that .i met him two yrs ago.he said he didnt have a g/f but i didnt belive him cuz when he would come over n spend time with me his phone would ring and he was so mean to whoever it was i felted it was a female . when he and i kiss its like wow he said my kisses do something to him . we have had sex two times and again he told me im going to make him fall in love with me . Im eleven yrs older than him and he dont mind that . at one time he said he wanted kids but when i told him i was done have kids he changed his mind on it .Its funny cuz these men seem to b all the same .I always have him come over to eat cuz he on the go all the time and i want him to eat right .Im in love with him also and i told him i was but after i did i kinda backed off its been a few wks i havent talked to him and i am waiting to see if he will contact me . the last time i went off he did so if he do he do if he dont then i will live i dont have time to sit n think about a man all day im to busy with other things n life .He has told me he loves me three times he loves how i cook ,and share but one thing i know he hate when we have misunderstandings so i b quick to fix it with him

Anonymous said...

I'm dealing with a sticky situation right now and I could really use some good Mirror of Aphrodite advice. I read your article and was astonished with how true everything proved to be, when dealing with my own relationship with my guy .. or with the guy of my interest. We've known each other for a good 2 years now and always had an on and off relationship. (for many reasons) Simply we both weren't ready at the time to fully commit to one another. Therefore, after allowing some time and space between us, we recently started talking again but the relationship wasn't like how it use to be. He began the disappearing act and was very inconsistent with his feelings so eventually I was sick and tired of it and demanded answers and that was when I finally found out the truth. He told me about his past and how he experienced a bad past relationship with his ex and it's still haunting him till this day. He was fully committed to her and was willing to do anything for her but regardless, she decided to end the relationship. She left him heartbroken and he doesn't ever want to feel that low again. He knows that someday he'll have to pick himself back up and start over, hoping that the past doesn't repeat itself but he just doesn't know when that'll be. He admitted to still having feelings for me but that right now he has his guard up and he's not sure if he's ready to trust again. :( After telling me all of this, I was so saddened and discouraged that I wanted to end things between us. I told him that if he wasn't ready, then he wasn't ready. And he wrote back saying, "Why are you so good to me?" And he tells other ppl about how humble I am as a person and still talks to me, as though he still wants me around.

So my question is, how are you suppose to deal with a person who's emotionally scarred from the past? I know there isn't much that I can do because I can't fix him. I'm just really depressed right now about this whole situation because (it's a long story but to cut it short) I was willing to fight for this guy. While others questioned him, I was there to trust and believe that he was indeed a good man, which he is. I feel like the easiest thing for me is to move on and to not wait. But it's easier said than done. I just don't know how to find the way to make him see that just because one person decided to take advantage of him, doesn't mean that there are many out there willing to do the same. I want him to know that he can trust me, without actually telling him because at the same time, I want him to have his space too. I don't want to force or pressure him into anything. I really don't know how to deal with this. Apart of me wants to be with him and I know that apart him wants to too, but what's getting in between us is him and his unfortunate past. However I feel like if he really did care for me, his past shouldn't matter and he'd be willing to risk it. So is it selfish of him for wanting me but not FULLY wanting me? Hah if that makes sense. I don't know, please help me out.

Anonymous said...

I feel like love and support are what partnerships are built on. I'm willing to support him and be by his side .. it's his trust that I want to gain so I'm willing to help him through his problems. But I'm not going to push them out of him or force him to talk when he isn't ready to. If the roles were switched, I would want him to do the same for me and to stand by me. Does that make sense??

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
This is sticky because everyone carries their baggage from the past differently. Some toss it onto a train and watch it drive off while some tote it around for a lifetime. So this really depends on the individual.

On one hand, I'm kinda getting the ole excuse vibe - like this past issue is just an excuse. On the other hand, it could be very real so it must be taken into consideration. The thing is, when you have someone whose been hurt, and they have an individual that's willing to carry them along, be patient with them and assist them in the healing process . . most times, the individual will welcome that with open arms. Especially if they truly want to heal and truly want love in their life. It's a little odd to reject that offering if what he's saying is the truth.

Let me use myself as an example. Naturally, I've experienced hurt just like anyone else. I've been single (by choice) for 8 years now since my divorce. Why single by choice, you ask? Well, because I'm looking for someone pretty special. Someone patient, someone I can trust and someone willing to go the extra mile for me. So when I encounter someone I can't trust, or a player or a selfish guy . . I thank them for the date, tell them I think they're great (sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't) and I continue down the single road. I just kinda pass them over for whatever reason. Most times, I don't want to put the work in to make it work or I realize that their overall personality would require most of my attention on them - and not on me, where I would need it, to feel safe, secure, understood and healed to an extent.

Basically, what I'm saying is that it's gonna take a very special man to catch my attention. And that's special inside, not outside. And when I find him, I'll know. As a result, I'm probably a bit more choosy than other women would be - but that's because I know what I need from a man now - and won't settle for less than that which I need. And I need a guy who would put the focus on me - not himself. So here I am, 8 years later, still searching.

I'm telling you this because it may be the same thing with him. Maybe he's seeking something really special. And maybe you should open up that can o' worms with him to find out what "special" means to him, what exactly it is that he needs.

If he doesn't want to have that conversation, as much as I hate to say it, you may want to walk. Because like you said, you can't fix broken people. And the healing process can take years. So you need to ask yourself what kind of investment you're willing to make here. And chose to move on and find happiness for yourself, if need be.





hurt and confused....help! said...

So I have a question about all of this....

I have made most of the mistakes commented above in your blog, and there have been so many games going on between a Capricorn man and I (Virgo). he is 22 years older so he was skeptical of it lasting so he ended it(typical Cappy)...some games include him hitting on my really good friend infront of me and her boyfriend at the local bar cuz I wasn't paying attention to him, telling her she's the "most beautiful girl in the bar..." or bringing a girl in on my shift at the bar during the day shift and ignoring me/ getting her number in front of me, and taking a picture together on his phone at the bar while I am serving them...I know pathetic!! The list goes on.....

These games ahve been going on for over a year now and I have been very distant with him...but I also know that he knows I am always going to "be there" cuz at least once a week or once every two weeks he sees me at the local bar we all go to. (I know he knows he doesn't have to do anything to get me to want him etc)

So my question is, even though I know you're going to say he is pathetic and a loser, is it too late to ignore him completely and get him to really want me back??

Anonymous said...

Apart of me is willing to invest, wait, stand by him, and support him through the healing process. Like I said, for the first time ever in my life, I'm willing to fight for this guy but I've put myself in a role that I'm not use to playing. I've never chased after a man before nor did I ever confess my feelings for a guy who made his feelings unknown towards me. All of this is very new to me but maybe that's why I'm choosing to stick around, because slowly this whole situation has become a learning process and has made me into a stronger person. It's showed me what I'm really capable of and whether he knows it or not, he's changed me for the better. I just don't know how to approach him because I feel like apart of him needs time and space to recollect his thoughts. I'm willing to work with him if he's willing to work with me ... I don't want to be putting all my eggs into one basket and being left empty handed. So I guess at the same time I'm trying to be smart and cautious about this because you have to do what's best for yourself, even if it means walking away. But I've never been the kind of person to just walk away when times get rough. I have faith in this. In us. I want things to work between us more than anything but like they say .. you shouldn't have to force anything that's truly meant to be. So right now I find myself waiting ........ :/

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hurt And Confused,
No, I don't think it's too late, however, I would ask you to think about a couple of things here.

First off, this guy is seriously insecure. All of the attention seeking stunts and behavior - that's all because he's insecure. Pulling these stunts pumps his ego and makes him feel wanted and attractive (because deep down, he doesn't feel wanted or attractive).

Second thing, when a guy is really insecure like that, they make crappy boyfriends and/or husbands. They'll always focus on themselves, they'll always pull stunts (that hurt you) to make themselves feel better and most times, they're cheaters. Because they don't feel good about themselves, they tend to cheat with whatever comes along because it makes them feel wanted and better about themselves.

He's got issues, honey. Not that we all don't have some of our own . . but he's got the kind of issues that will cause him to hurt any woman he's with and chances are, he's always going to have trouble forming serious, long term relationships with others because of them.

When a guy is that insecure, it's a big red flag. So you really need to ask yourself if he's worth getting hurt for. Because he WILL hurt you. Hell, he's already doing it and he isn't even with you. Can you imagine, if you two become seriously involved, and an argument takes place or something that really upsets him . . what do you think he's going to do to make himself feel better in a situation like that? Umm, cheat. Receive attention from another female. He'll seek it out. That's how he makes things right, that's how he makes himself feel better - and it won't stop simply because he's in a relationship.

So yes, you can begin "no contact" to garner his attention. But you may be walking into a hornets nest here. So please take a moment to consider if he's worth it.

Why not focus your attention on a nice guy who deserves it. One who would not play games to intentionally hurt you. One who would treat you nicely and with respect?

Anonymous said...

Mirror of Aphrodite tell me this .... do I have to put in more effort then if I really want this to work? Such as being the initiator and asking if he wants to hangout or go out for lunch or something. Does that make me sound desperate for him? He hasn't contacted me all week ... usually he writes to me every other day or has some way of contacting me first. Is he keeping his distance now because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
No, putting in more effort on your part only amounts to you doing more work to "convince" someone to like you. It appears desperate to men and you can't talk someone into liking you. They either do or they don't. All you can do is get their attention, you can't change their feelings.

Regardless of the reason he's keeping his distance, the bottom line is that he's pulling back. No biggie, it's not the end of the world and he'll come back. You have a life of your own, so in the meatime, live it. Don't make him your world, or you're going to set yourself up for a world of hurt here.

Hang back, remain composed, keep it together, don't reach for him - and he'll come around again. If you reach, he'll run.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror:

Wish I knew about this site earlier. I am in my 40's and back into dating after a long-term marriage. I had no idea that most men behave almost exactly the same...

After viewing this site and listening to single gf's, it seems to me the story is the same over and over again: Men come on strong the first month or so -- with can't get enough of seeing you, callling you, texting you and then poof, they disappear.

I wish I had understood that this is just a normal thing. I met a guy online and we hit it off right away. He was very attentive the first month (and we both even took ourselves off the dating site) and then I received no text or call for 3 days, after a month of calls every single day. (We did not have sex, btw.) I thought it was over and texted him to say thanks for everything and if I don't hear from him again, that's ok. I also commented that he should loosen up and maybe he'd have more dates, as he told me previoulsy he hadn't been out in a long time. He immdediately called and I couldn't answer, so he texted and said we need to talk when I could.

I called him back hours later and he seemed upset and took it personal and wanted us to back off for awhile. I told him that i didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but I thought he was ending it and he seemed uptight on our last date for no reason and it made me uncomfortable.

Anyway, I didn't call or anything and then he reappears by text after one week. I answered the text about 30 min. later and then he phoned me. We talked for about an hour, he doesn't ask me out.

Two weeks go by and he texts me again. After several texts back and forth, I finally asked what he really wanted with me? He said he was thinking about me and I then asked if we could just get together then and just talk. So, we decide to meet for coffee later that week.

Coffee turned into dinner and we had spent the whole afternoon and evening together; talking, eating dinner, and then walking in the park before I finally left the park/restaurant at 11 PM. (No sex, just some making out.) I did tell him that I feel that I can't have sex with out exclusivity... it's just not how I operate. (It was brought up, so i said how I feel.)

The next week or so, he calls everyday. He does not ask to see me, however. Then poof - he's gone. I refuse to text him or call him. My friends say I scared him off with the "exclusive talk", but I don't care. I see women used in my age group every day and i refuse to be one of them. Is that asking too much?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
No, I don't think that's asking to much at all. These guys these days are rather entitled if you ask me. They don't want to lift a finger for a woman and any woman who demands a bit of old fashioned dating - is somehow deemed high maintenance or demanding or something.

It's whacked.

You may be interested in viewing a comment spat I had with a recent male reader here. It sort of leans towards this concept. These guys nowadays are getting upset that woman are standing up for themselves and requiring proper treatment and old fashioned dating etiquette.

You'll find that conversation here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/09/how-what-when-to-text-men.html

I felt really bad for the guy when it was all said and done, but honestly, it's really hard not to get frustrated as hell over some of the things they say and expect nowadays. It's like they want to be chased and courted and not the other way around. It boggles my mind frankly.

You keep your standards and morals in place. Sacrifice them for no man - and the right man will come along and appreciate them. Just give it time and stick to your guns and the universe will grant you what you need.

Anonymous said...

He says he still has feelings for me ... but he's pulling back ... just doesn't make sense.

Anonymous said...

He disappeared after a year! No call, no text, nothing.
I was " very important" to him.
He "adored" me.
He thought I was "amazing".
I can go on and on. He texts me one day in May, I respond and he never responds to me again. Coward? Cruel? Malicious? Mind blowing? 5 months have gone by and it still bothers me like it was yesterday. What sickens me the most is that I still have hope he will contact me again. Not sure if it is to just ask him why, or if it is because I am still interested. This has consumed me and my thoughts and I wish I had an answer as to why he would behave like this? We were not in an exclusive relationship. We had a texting relationship and saw each other very infrequently. I feel we had a friendship and since it was just a friendship, why disappear? Yes there was intimacy and feelings, but overall it was a friendship. Well to me it was.

Anonymous said...

Why disappear? Why not just say you can't be my friend anymore and just keep it moving with class and dignity? I do not think I will ever understand this. I can only hope that it gets better. People that just disappear to avoid the truth are pathetic and cruel. They have no idea how they make someone feel. Everyone says that men that disappear always come back. Unfortunately or fortunately this Taurus man, is probably not going to reappear. I may never know why he did this. Is this a characteristic of a Taurus male? Or is it just the characteristics of a pathetic and weak man? Please advise because I have lost my focus and desire to seek something better. Thank you kindly!

Anonymous said...

One thing I didn't read in your very informative article. What if he does the rubber band act but when he knows you are not within reach, he catches up on you through other people like mutual friends. Once that reassurance is fulfilled, he is off again until he needs another ego boost. Despite how many times you ask your friends to stop feeding him info about your well being, they are always a sure bet source of info for him.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Ladies,
It's hard for women to understand this behavior. But you have to understand how men think and perceive things. This back and forth thing they do is very natural for them. Two steps forward, three steps back, two steps forward, 5 steps back, 7 steps forward, 3 steps back - that's the dance that keeps them feeling loose and not overwhelmed (by your emotions, relationship pressure, etc.)

Thing is, when they do this dance, women tend to freak out. And they may really like you and this dance isn't meant to be perceived as a game at all, it's just something very natural to them - but how you handle it can literally make or break the relationship. One that may have been perfect up to that point.

The slightest wobble on a woman's part, a question, some pressure, some phone calls, some texts, some talks - POOF, gone. It can and does happen that quick.

Personally, I believe the number one most important thing for a woman in a relationship is to play it cool, keep those emotions in check. Think them, don't say them. And by all means, DO NOT go to him to provide any answers for them. What you need to realizes is that these are YOUR insecurities. And it's not HIS job to fix that for you - he can't fix you.

And that's what ruins something that was otherwise going well. The minute, and I mean the minute, you signal to a guy that you're suffering insecurity - he views you as weak, lots of work and his attraction disappears.

I realize we all suffer from insecurities, I understand that. However, they belong to you, not him. He's not mister fix it and you don't hear men sharing that stuff and reaching to you to fix something about them. They keep that under wraps and work on it in silence. And they don't understand how women can admit that about themselves, because if a man admitted that stuff openly, he'd be called a wuss in a heartbeat. Men view this as weakness - period. And to them, weakness is bad. They want an equal, they want a strong woman.

So when that happens, initiate "no contact" immediately to pull on that rubber band and bring him snapping back. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's too late (but I do believe most all men circle back at some point in time.)

No contact makes him second guess himself and it signals to him that you're strong and your world does not revolve around him. When men feel that they are your "be all, end all" to your existence - they bolt. The pressure is just too much.

Hang loose, ladies. It's a test of sorts, even though they don't realize that's what they're actually doing. Testing your emotional strength. Make sure you pass.

And to answer the question about a man catching up on you via mutual friends - he's just keeping tabs on you. You can't take that too serious because it's just curiosity. When he contacts you is when it's a tad more serious.

And when he contacts you, you barely noticed how much time had passed (time flies when you're having fun), you've been so busy having a great time, and you barely have two minutes to squeak in a response (days later). Get it? ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror:

I posted on 10/4 @ 2:26 PM and you replied by asking me to view ://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/09/how-what-when-to-text-men.html

For sure I was probably too available... answering texts and phone calls, never letting one go. Then, when I didn't hear from him for several days, I thought it was over and texted to say, "Had a nice time, thanks for everything, see you sometime, sorry the evening didn't go as planned,... etc." That's when the dancing really began and I haven't seen much of him since, but he still keeps in contact by text. Thankfully, I have enough "umph" that I noticed this and pulled back too and I never contact him first.

The last time we saw eachother, as I mentioned, we talked all day and into the evening - and then about what happened. He did mention he values his freedom and it is unattractive when a women is "needy". Sex was brought up and I stated my boundaries and said this is what I need, however, and it's not needy, it's just making sure I'm not used. Later he said, "It could never be casual with you". I hear from him for a week by phone, then he disappears.

Here's the question - we had been dating a month and things were starting to heat up, making out wise. We did not have sex, but we started talking about it. It seems that a month is about the average time that this starts to happen for all of my other sinlge friends, as well. Should we just hold off for 3 months maybe? Is that even realistic?

How does one work out this battle of the sexes? Men want sex eventually, but most women need commitiment. How do you handle this without them feeling like they are losing their freedom, but you are being clear about your intentions, so you are not used or surprised that they have been dating other women all along? I was astounded to read here, that a lot of women THOUGHT that they were in a realationship for months, only to find out that their man was still dating.

Anyway, I am not sitting at home wondering where he went to and seeking out other options and actually have a date this week. What do you make of this guy, though? Is he going to be back again and if so, how do i handle it? I did really like him, but I am not going to be used, so he's not gonna get this girl in bed until he tells me exactly where I stand. Is that too demanding?

Anonymous said...

...just one more comment on the disappearing..(10/4 post). I might bet if he were to see me out on this date, he would think I'm a sleaze, since we've had these discussions on sex and we have been making out a bit. But, obvioiusly he's not called in a week or so... so I have every right to keep dating, in my opinion. How does a woman juggle all of this? Guys do it just fine and it's ok, but women seem to get a name for it.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well, here's the thing. Most, if not all, men go into dating with the idea it's "casual." Women look for relationships and find sex. Men look for sex and find relationships. In otherwords, no man really feels committment is for him - until it sneaks up on him. So things should always start casual and even if you're looking for a relationship, don't tell them that. Say, "I'm exploring my options and whatever happens, happens." They drop their guard then.

Do I think 3 months is good to hold out for sex? Yes and no. If you're seeing each other once a month, no, too soon. If you're seeing each other 3 times a week, maybe sooner would be ok. It really should be dates and not months (8-9 dates before things start to heat up.)

Personally, I don't believe any one should assume their in an exclusive relationship unless:

1.) HE has brought up the exclusivity talk and is asking for a committment from YOU (men usually bring this up at the 2.5 month point if you play it cool and they really like you.)
2.) HE tells you he loves you (usually around the same time, the 2.5 month point).

Then and only then can you begin to think "relationship" with a man. If that isn't happening, just assume he's dating others because he probably is. And you'll notice, all these things line up to about the same time frame, 2.5 to 3 months. This is why it's important for the WOMAN to pace the relationship. Don't dive in head first, don't be available all the time, don't jump into bed right away and space out the dates. Doing that gives a guy room to breath, he doesn't feel he's being fast tracked into a relationship and the woman doesn't feel she's being fast tracked into the bedroom. It's a bit of a dance, but when timed right, everything comes together around the same time both are ready to take these steps together.

So if it's paced at say, one date a week, then two to 2.5 months into it, you're hovering around the 8-10 date mark. If he's still hanging in there, he's serious. If he bails, he was seeking sex and you dodged a bullet.

Regarding being demanding, the way to deal with that is - never play your cards. He doesn't need to know where you stand on the issue. Because if you put it out there, they run. If you keep it under wraps and just keep seeing a guy casually, without having sex, and pacing the relationship out at one date a week (that's all your available to him) they go along, feeling no pressure and before you know it, they have feelings for you and never saw it coming. At which point, you don't even have to have that talk.

When sex comes up, avoid the subject. They go there to hurry that action along. Don't let them. Pace it out, change the subject. If he says, "I enjoy sex" you say, "Yea, it is nice, especially with someone you care about. Hey, BTW, did I tell you I was at the museum last week and . . ." You steer the conversation in another direction. That way, you don't seem demanding (you're the cool chic), he has no idea what's going on in your head (which becomes mysterious and intriquing to him and keeps him interested) he can't get a read on you (which will keep him coming around) and as a result, he'll never see it coming LOL (gotcha!).

I don't want to sound like a broken record but simple fact is, women share way too much with men. Too much of what they're thinking, too much of what they're feeling, too much of what they need, too much of what they want. He has to FIGURE THAT OUT about you and not telling him keeps him coming around, trying to figure you out. Telling him upfront takes all the mystery away, removes the challenge, overwhelms them and sends them running. As in poker, keep your poker face and don't play your cards with men - ever. Let them think it was all their idea ;-)

Cont . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Men bring up certain things to get a read on you. If you hand them that info, they have no reason to return because you've answered all their questions. When they do this, you remain coy, give very brief vague answers and steer the conversation away from what they're actually digging for.

You most certainly keep dating. You have no committments here to him, you do not have to answer to him, he's not your boyfriend or your husband and until someone's dropping the "L" word - you're free to explore your options.

And if you're not sleeping with a guy during the casual dating period, there's no worries about getting a name for yourself. Casual dating is having dinner, going to a movie and getting to know one another, all very innocent. No sex during casual dating, no sex talk during casual dating, no revealing heavy duty information during casual dating or bearing your soul to a man during this period - casual means casual. None of those talks should take place until he's start talking feelings. And if a man hangs out casually with a woman long enough, he develops feelings for her. (That's why men who have platonic relationships with women fall for them eventually - no pressure is involved.)

See for women, they connect intellectually. Women want these talks because they feel it brings them closer when the reality is, it'll drive a man away. Men prefer hanging out, having fun and spending time as oppossed to talking. That's when they bond to a woman. They'll care what she thinks later on, after they care for HER. Prior to that, they don't care what you think, they just want to have fun, hang out and spend time.

So the key is to be laid back, be fun, be approachable, be funny and just enjoy each others time. Do this for a period of about 2-3 months, spacing dates out one a week. No heavy talks, no sex, no baring your soul, no emotional behavior - just fun and carefree. Do that with a man for 2-3 months and he'll fall for you before he even knows what the hell happened.

And during this period, it's up to the woman to steer conversation into a casual chatter, redirect any references to sex to another subject, remain free of emotions (share them with friends, not him) be scarced (once a week availablity and that's it) and no long, drawn out phone calls or text sessions. If a guy can get to know you on the phone or via text, he has no reason to ask you on a date. Face to face is where he learns about you and how he gets to speak to you, not on the phone or text. That's what keeps a guy asking you out and keeps him coming around. If he learns all he wants to know in a phone call, text or email, he has no reason to ask you out. And if he learns all he wants to know up front, in a very short time, he has no reason to continue coming around because he won't have bonded with you yet (spent time hanging out and having fun). And he won't be curious enough to try any longer.

It's really effed up, I know. And I might suggest some recommended reading for you. Start with "Why Men Love Bitches" and then read "The Manual" (written by a player). It'll all start to become crystal clear.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,
Please can you advise me, I have been in turmoil for nearly a week, its like mental anguish, some mornings I actually feel sick with worry.
The guy I am talking about is not a Taurus but hey he is a man!!!!

Anyway, been dating a guy for nearly two months (of course we are not boyfriend / girfriend yet). Total of 6 dates. We get along well to be honest.


After a date and he does stay over, but we do go out on dates. Usually after the date, we discuss when we are meeting again, and usually he says a day and we agree etc. and he says he will text etc.


Anyway, after the 6th date, next morning he was leaving to get the train for work.. he didnt seem to mention a next date, so I said, we are both our Friday arnt we, so how about meeting Saturday or Sunday at the weekend. So he said yes he didnt have any plans, Sunday looks good, so I said fine, I will check with my babysitter for looking after my daugther. And he said he would text me Friday. (one day away).


Come Friday, I waited for a confirmation text - none arrived. I was getting really anxious and worried (as he always sticks to his word). So I am thinking that he probably isnt interested to go on a date.. So I thought I would text on Saturday, so I texted and asked if he still fancied to meet up on either day, as I could do either Sat or Sunday.


Well, I waited and waited for an reply.. 9 hours after (9.30pm) Saturday night. He replied sorry for the late reply but I am looking at properties all weekend, so can't meet up. Sorry about that, take care. (he never leaves it that long to reply either)..


Well, I was really upset, because if he cannot make a date, he usually suggest another day.. So I didnt know what to reply, so I didnt reply.

Admittedly, he does have to look for a property, as he is a week away from leaving the one he is in. So that is a priority..


As of yet, I have not received any more texts. I am thinking should I text him next week and ask how is it going, has he settled in to his new home?


Please advise me?


(or I am thinking that he doesnt want to know me anymore, because if I had not have texted him on the Saturday to ask if we were meeting up, I would not have heard a thing) and maybe he is trying to dump me without any explanation. (Cowdly I know).. I would really prefer if he would let me know, as I feel like I am just waiting and waiting feeling down about it..

Its the not knowing that hurts... why can't men say??


And I am thinking he has dumped me, but has not let me know by telling me or even having the decency to tell me, like the silent treatment.
OR is he just wanting space for a while..like they do..


Please let me know what action I should take, I don't know whether to text him again, next week. OR wait for him to contact me if he ever does????


thanks A women in deep despair..

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@A Woman In Deep Despair,
NO, NO, NO . . do not contact him. If he's feeling unsure at this moment and has pulled back for some space, contacting him will send him running for the hills.

My guess is that you've probably slept together (no need to tell me, I'm just assuming this) and it was getting a little close, the relationship was progressing. As a man, it's expected for them to pull back at some point when things move forward. If a woman reacts to this in an emotional manner (crying, seeking answers) they'll run. If a woman responds to this by freaking out, you give them a reason to run. And if a woman responds to this by being insecure (asking him why, pressuring him for answers, etc.) he'll be turned off.

Stand your ground. Don't contact him. Expect a few weeks or possibly a month or more to pass. Give him space, act like you have your own life to tend to and you're not shaken or concerned here. If you do that, he'll get curious and he'll come around again. But this is a critical "make or break" time and if you over react, he'll be gone.

You don't need answers from him. He already gave you one and I think you may have missed it. I hate to say this but I'm going to, but he said "take care." I say that when I'm not going to see/speak to someone for a while. Did he dump you? Not necessarily, they all come back LOL ;-) But he is taking some time away. So know this, accept it, and stand strong. Whatever you do, do not contact him.

If you fall off his radar, you give him a reason to THINK about you. Eventually, he'll say to himself, "Wonder how she's doing?" Or, "Where did she go?" And that's EXACTLY what you want him to do - think about you. So you give him something to think about - by doing nothing at all. This is not the response he will expect (he expects you to unravel and become a loose cannon here). By doing the exact opposite of what he's used to women doing - he'll notice you in a different light. He'll become curious, he'll wonder where you are, who you're with.

Let him wonder.

And he'll return.

And in the meantime, read this piece - and DON'T do this to yourself:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/08/men-disappear-and-reappear-aftermath.html

Anonymous said...

I am a Taurus woman. I met a capricorn man on an online matrimonial portal. He sent me the invite and chatted with me online. Met me the same evening for a coffee. We hit off well. I am 38 and he is 40 . both single. We both are successful professinals in our respective fields. Had a good time talking. He asked me out the next day for a coffee. We met again and spent almost 2 hours talking. He kept saying that I am very pretty and he is very attracted to me in a nicer way.I am athletic and look good so I always get these compliments. I smiled. End of the date, he kissed me on the lips. I didn't see that coming and i backed off. I told him I want to take things slow. He smiled and left me back at my place and left. The next two weeks he kept texting me on and off. Playful and teasing. We met after two weeks. We kissed this time and it was clear that he wanted more. He asked me how long i want to hold out. I asked him what is the hurry and he said no hurry. But his hands were all over me. We kissed a lot that day. Then I was travelling and we met after 10 days. He was again all over me. He hinted that he wanted to come to my place but i met him outside. We had a good time. Kissed a lot. He said we are ready for sex now. I just laughed it off. After that night, he seemed to have disappeared. It is exactly a week now. No text. I don't understand this. I didn't send him a text. I just want to see how long this goes on . In the mean while, he is very active on the site. That means he may be actively dating other women. When he was with me, he was totaly into me. I really liked him. He told me he likes me. I don't understand this behaviour. If he texts, should i respond? I want this to work out with him but I don't want him to know how much i like him.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well, this is actually the stuff that men do to women that really ticks me off, LOL. I hate to say this to you, especially being a sister Taurus and all . . but this one's no good, dear. This one's a "fast tracker" and a player.

Did you read this piece here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/08/what-is-player-signs-youre-dating-player.html

Check it out and see if you can relate. I'm not saying he wasn't interested, he was. But he may have only been interested in sex. And by holding off as you did, that's how you weed out the players. And kudos to you - because you did weed this one out. When he realized he wasn't going to get laid right away, and this wasn't going to be an easy "wham, bam, thank you maam" he showed his true colors by bolting on you. Not a nice guy and he's active on the site because he's seeking a "victim" not a girlfriend. When you didn't present yourself as a willing victim, he poofed.

This may not seem it, but this is actually a good thing he showed you this now, rather than later. And with men like this, I don't even believe half the crap they say because they only tell women what they THINK you WANT to hear, not what they really MEAN.

Don't do a thing to contact this one. If he can't find a willing victim, or does and gets bored, he'll be back. And when he comes back, you proceed with him just as you did this time around. Don't answer his questions about sex. Be vague and avoid the subject, bring something else up. He was trying to get a feel for you, to see if he could talk his way into your bedroom. Don't give a guy like that anything to go on. It's like handing them the keys.

He's been very forward since the second date. Big red flag. Gentlemen with good intentions don't "play" their cards like that. Guys who really like the girl don't behave like that for fear they may scare them off. Only a player puts it all out there like that and starts pushing immediately with the sex issue.

Had you given into this one, he'd have slept with you and then disappeared. Thank your lucky stars here that you were too smart to fall for that ;-)

Any man who tries to "fast track" a woman into the bedroom is a player. Any man who is overly complimentary early on is a player. Gentlemen will compliment women, but not to the degree that a player does. And gentlemen don't fast track a woman into the bedroom for fear they'll scare her off or force her guard up. A gentlemen who is genuinely intersted in the woman and not just sex will be more than willing to go along at the woman's pace, regardless of weeks or months that may be involved. Players bolt when they realize they're not dealing with a ding dong woman ;-)



Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror:

Thanks for your reply (Oct. 8 @ 5:42PM). Had the date and same thing as the first guy... wants to see me the next nite, texts and calls everyday and this was just 3 days ago we had our first date. He even asked me to a concert two weeks from now...It baffles me how men are so smitten one minute and then cold on you the next. This is just like the other guy that I am now missing.

The thing is, I'm really attracted to to the first guy and I believe (or maybe hope)that he might text me about a halloween event we talked about going to before he disappeared.

I'm kind of disappointed though because we had this whole day we spent together (about 10 hours)and I thought we talked every thing through; he calls for one week and then disappeared. My friends say they see him out and he is always alone. He is not back up on the dating site either. Should I go out with him again, if he asks - or make him miss me? If he just texts to talk should I let him know I'm dating other people?

I probably did make him run with the exclusive talk - is there any way to remedy this if he ever calls again?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well, if your gut is telling you that it was the exclusive talk that scared him off, the way to remedy that is to signal "friendship" only. Meaning, when you speak, yes, tell him you're dating others. Call him "such a good friend" and say things like "friends first." You get the idea. Just keep pounding on that friends angle.

And if he should happen to ask you out again, sure go out with him. But when you accept the date, say "Yea, that'll be fun. A great night out with a good friend. Sounds like fun!"

Put it out there, at the time you accept the date, that he's a friend. Just keep putting it out there and hopefully, he'll be able to relax, drop his guard and feel no pressure.

Anonymous said...

Hello, first I want to say "THANK YOU!" Finally, someone have me some advice that actually worked. Usually I get the men that tend to be intimidated and instead of expressing it they pull the MIA act and I move on without ever looking back... Until I met one man over the years that we can never seem to get enough of each other. We both have over ten years between us of being apart; whether in a relationship with others or just being solo and doing our own thing. After not seeing each other in over 8 months we bumped into each other and exchanged bumbershoot past August. We have talked, emailed, and texted every day until I called him out on stating I never invite him over. After a few times of inviting over to my place or making unresolved plans for us do hang out I called him out on it and from that moment on he went MIA on me so I came across your website after searching for signs of men with something to hide or what does it mean when... So after reading the ignore and respond days later it worked. I responded through text to several emails it was nice and so on and for the first time he replied back in 2 minutes from my text. I was shocked!

My next question or concern is this. I didn't respond back to him but in the past we have had some real in depth conversations, about what it take to become the person you want people of the opposite sex to see and be attracted to and how to get the relationship that will make you feel complete. Each time though I feel like he reals me in only to see my thoughts and where I going then he goes into hiding. This man has told me several times that I am the one for him but then he begins to shy away when I want to express myself. This last time I was just sick of the G-rated routine. Don't get me wrong I'm all for letting a man be a man being the one that opens the door, picking places to eat, looking nice, saying all the right things, being educated, and so on but I'm not down with being a closed up box. Or worse always starting over and never moving forward. There's so much to this story but I know he is a great man, he's just so timid and although I'm getting tired of this same routine I don't want to give up hoping he comes around. During the 8 months we no longer communicated it wasn't until I changed my number that I thought I gave up on him. (2 Weeks after I changed my number we bump back into each other). He says he misses me and talking to me (his reply from my text) and during the 3 days of no communication from me he pulled up and email from last year expressing how he felt for me then and amazingly still feels the same way. What I don't understand if he feels that way why do I feel like we're in early elementary school and he just wrote me a note with the words ending circle yes or no to date him? Why not just confess he wants me and we try to work it out in a relationship? What do I do now? How should I respond and when? I don't want to revert to the beginning again but I do want to advance. I want it to feel natural not like everything has to be perfect. Please help me with more helpful advice as to how I should precede.

Anonymous said...

Okay, so I'm back reading the blog because, shit, I'm confused...not really but I need to vent and y'alls are my peeps!

So about a month ago, Sag man showed no interest at the volunteer dinner thing (after telling me he'd call and didn't). Fine. Wrapped my head around it. A week later I went into the clinic for a treatment (acupuncture) although I did think twice about it since I knew it was his shift but I was like "whateverz, I'm good." I went in and bamm, I felt really attracted to him, but Mirror--I kept it cool.

While I was there, everyone else was giving me compliments, told me I was a goddess and was glowing---which is exactly how I felt---every cell in my body wanted to rip his clothes off. So I come out of the main room and he happens to be near the door as I'm coming out. My hair was down and he started gesturing with his hands. I asked him what that meant and asked "what is it, does my hair look funny?" He backed way and retreated behind the desk, which made me think that he really wasn't interested. Just then one of the acupunturist came out and we discussed the chinese herbs. I said good bye and left.

I left for a week to visit family, had a wonderful trip, was feeling great about everything and everyone. Then I remembered that he's said his 6 month sober day was coming up, so I sent a supportive message--really with no romantic intentions as I was clear in my head that he was not interested.

He decides to respond with talk about loosing momentum. I responded with something about letting things be. Yeah, I know. I should NOT have sent anything, he should have been dead to me but as no huge lines had been broken, I thought it would be okay to remain work friends.

But here I am reeling.

Okay, so he sends me another text about how that day I came in, that he was so consumed with desire, yada yada. I was so confused, I texted him back to call me, which he did. We talked briefly. It was flirty, strange, it made me feel sexy.

The following day a few more texts and then nothing for a week. I saw him in the office and I couldn't even look at him because I didn't want to give myself away. He acted his usual self and no one noticed anything. This was last Friday.

Sunday I was feeling courageous, ready for any answer. I sent a text "I want to see you, soon." This was answered with more of the same "Me too, you looked so hot when I saw you..." yada yada

I have not responded nor do I plan to. But I still have to see him every now and then in the office...the thought makes me anxious. I need to regain my sense of composure and squelch this.

And to top it all off, this new volunteer comes in and starts talking about him and how handsome he is and how he was so friendly to her and how they have things in common.

I feel foolish. My first instinct is to reduce my hours so that I for damn sure don't run into him and kind of stay on the down low--out of office drama and him. I'll miss some friends but maybe this should be the tactic through December?

Clearly this is not the guy for me but I'm being drawn in. I have started seeing a therapist, since I thought the alcholism was an issue, as my dad is an alcoholic and I want to understand my process and break old patterns.

Any words of wisdom Mirror?


Aquarius Sun, Aries rising

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Thanks for returning to report that this actually works. I know it's hard for some women to understand that doing the exact opposite of what they feel compelled to do - is actually the thing to do.

We'll just break this down to it's simple components. First off, you've given him all the green lights he needs to proceed. So at this point, there's no need to give him more or try harder or make a big mistake and try to "convince" him to date you. That's a no no, so don't go there. If a woman appears too eager, most men get turned off.

Second, he's unsure. Again, remain confident. If he can't make up his mind, it will be his lose, not yours. Give him space to decide and realize what he needs to do here.

Third, tell him no more when he probes you for answers. Because what he's attempting to do there is to get you to drop your guard and reveal to him what you're truly seeking. And most men know that's a relationship. Trouble is, when they read between the lines of what a woman is saying while providing those answers and they hear that, they bolt. That's why answering those questions is a no no. Be vague, be mysterious. Say things like, "Yea sure, I'd like a relationship, but not with just anyone. That won't come until I meet the right man, however, in the meantime, I'm not against exploring my options and having fun." A response like that gives a man a bit of relief, and mystery. It lets him know the option is there, but he doesn't have a target on his forehead. And when he realizes he's not appearing to you as "the one," if he really likes you, he'll try harder to be that for you, to prove himself to you.

See here's the thing. Most men don't think committment is good for them. They're primally hardwired to mate with many women and perpetuate the species. So let him believe that he's free to do so. And by cutting him loose, you have a better chance of drawing him in. Because you'll appear different from other women, unique, cool, no pressure, and mysterious. He'll be like, "Whah??" And that will intrique him and draw him near.

I know a woman who is about to tell a man that's been pressuring her for sex too early to go have sex with other women if he needs too, while he's getting to know her. He keeps talking about how it's so important, he needs it, etc. Well, if he needs it that bad, so bad that he can't wait the necessary time frame he needs to for the woman to be comfortable, then the rememdy to that is - go take care of your sexual desires elsewhere. Problem solved. In the meantime, she'll suggest they still date and he gets to know her. That way, the sex pressure will disappear from being a big need for him and she'll have plenty of time to get to know him in the process. Strange, I know. But you know what? Her telling him that it's okay to do that - chances are, is going to throw him on his ass. He probably won't even do that, his plan blew up in his face, and he's now going to be 100% fascinated with the rare creature of a woman that said, "Hey look, if it's that important to you, go do it. Take care of it and then come back to me afterwards so we can continue." Hehehe ;-)

My point is, doing the opposite of what we women feel compelled to do with men actually works much better. Because to men, women are very predictable in their emotions and feelings. They expect certain behaviors and they fear them all the same. To catch one's attention, be different, be the opposite of what they expect and they'll think you're the cat's ass.

Cont. . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

This one's not timid, he's unsure. They way to deal with that is not to try to convince him to be with you. The way to deal with that is - cut him loose. Say to yourself, "I'm not sitting around waiting for a flake to decide if I'm worth his time or not. I'm moving on and in the meantime, he can go sit in the corner and think about it." In order to real an unsure man in, he has to think he's lost you. It's the equivalent of jabbin them in the rearend with a cattle prod. Something they are NOT expecting. The other thing to remember is too much talk isn't good. He has to come around and date you to get to know you. If you give him all he wants to know via email or texts or conversations, he has no reason to come around to seek that information out. And he only gets information in little drips and mysterious drops here and there - during a face to face date. That's it. You wanna' talk, you ask me out and we'll talk (a little). Anything short of that, he gets nothing, no answers.

So if there's still a response to be made on your part, you wait a few days, then you respond back casually. You ignore any questions he's asked and you say, "Hey how are you? I've been really busy lately myself." You keep it light and casual, you give him nothing, no answers he's seeking. But your response let's him know you're still slightly interested. If he wants more of your attention, he has to DO more - like ask you out. He gets your attention when he's across the table from you. Otherwise, if he insists on communicating via email and text only, he gets very little of it.

And if he starts asking questions during those emails and texts, you don't answer them. You say, "Hey, you know what? I'd rather talk to you face to face. How about meeting for coffee?" If he balks and says no or disappears, you do nothing. You disappear. Let it sink in with him that he has to make a move to get what it is that he's seeking.

Then when you go on the date, you don't answer those questions. You remain vague and mysterious and say things like, "Yea, that's be nice but . . ." There's always a "but" and nothings ever a sure thing with you. That keeps men interested and keeps them coming around, wanting to know more.

And if none of this works dear, then I hate to say it, but he's looking for an easy fix. He doesn't want a real relationship. That's how you snuff a man out and get a feel for his true interest level. And when a man is only half interested, he'll sleep with you, then disappear. Because he wasnt' that interested to begin with. (Proof of that is here on this thread. Too many women give themselves to a man before gauging if he's truly interested or not and it promotes the disappearing man act and broken hearts.) So if a woman wants to avoid a broken heart, she only sleeps with men who prove they are genuinely interested. The rest get kicked to the curb.

The more you remain friendly yet detached here, the better you'll do with this one I think. It's all about no pressure, carefree, casual and fun. Proceed like that, and before you know it, the guy falls for you without even knowing what the hell happened. (Which is why many men in platonic friendships with women end up falling in love with them. It's because they get to spend time around her with no pressure, lots of fun and a carefree experience ;-)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Aquarius Sun, Aries rising,
First off, let me clarify that I am not a therapist, a professional. So what I'm about to say is only coming from my own personal experiences. You keep working with your therapist, however, on breaking those old patterns you referred to.

Let me share a little prediction here with you on this one. My gut is telling me that this new volunteer who is smitten with him, be prepared, he may use her to get under your skin. He's a Sag and they're a wild maverick, they like to break down boundaries and hate restriction. So to prove his point, he may "go there" if ya' get my drift. Be prepared and remain detached from that little game is all. If he goes there, he'll be gunning for a reaction from you - and he's to get NONE. Don't fall prety to that little sham of a game.

He's another one that's got all the green lights he needs to proceed here. So my fear is that he's only half interested and unsure at this point. He's toying with the idea. (Read the comment thread above this one where I explain that concept to another reader here.)

There's an old saying, "The best revenge is doing well." I'm not saying you were out for revenge, but it applies here with regards to his last sighting of you at the session. You were doing and looking well, really well, and he was floored.

So you keep doing more of that. You focus on yourself, you get all the therapy you need, and you keep yourself looking well and moving forward. Focus on YOU, not him. My one fear here with him is, he seems very focused on sex. When he contacted you after that, he didn't say, "I miss talking to you. I miss you." He said, "You looked hot and I was consumed with desire." As much as that's a real compliment to women and makes us feel good, it's not where the focus should be. It signals to me that his interest is sexual in nature only. So as flattering as that may be, do not give into it. If you do, he'll sleep with you, then he'll disappear. Because if he's only half interested or only interested in your body and sexuality, once he gets that from you, he'll be sure to bolt. You need to get him to notice you as a WOMAN, not a sexual OBJECT.

Cont. . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And to be honest, you've handled yourself well here with him. Not appearing too eager, yet interested, which is good. So you continue doing that. But YOU come fist, not HIM. And with what I feel may happen here (him using the new volunteers interest in him to get to you), I'd say that being on the down low in the upcoming months is a good idea. It will help you detach a bit from him and not be bothered by or wrapped up in any drama I feel he's about to create to get a reaction out of you. It will also give you time to work on yourself and to sit back and observe his behavior overall. Hell, after it's all said and done, you may decide you don't want him afterall. Especially if he starts to act like a jerk with this new volunteer and proves to be an ass of a man. (The fact that he's a Sag is making me think he's going to go there with this, but I hope I'm wrong.)

And have no fear in doing this. He'll still be there, I guarantee it. Even if 3 months go by with nothing, one day he'll reappear (besides, no Sag male is going to jump headfirst into any real serious relationship right away, even if he does mess with the new volunteer, he's still going to make himself available to you, so no worries there, he'll still be around). So there's no hurry here, ya' know?

Keep your cool here as you've done. Focus on yourself and take your time. Detach from this a bit so you maintain a healthy perspective on the matter and don't get hurt. And sit back and observe his behavior. It'll give you a chance to really see who he is by doing so.

To your surprise, he may come around and seek you out. He may take up with the new volunteer for some fun. And if he does and he's flaunting her in your face, you smile. Because if he didn't care about you, he wouldn't be attempting to get a reaction out of you with her. You don't unravel in front of him though. You keep your cool, you act indifferent to his antics. And you realize and accept that none of this is going to happen overnight. You're going to observe for the next month or so, then decide if he's worth it or not and see if he comes to seek you out.

If not, he wasn't that interested and you dodged a bullet. If he does, you proceed slowly and you remain a bit detached here. He's a Sag male and to be quite honest, in a female partner, they seek a playmate and not necessarily a girlfriend. However, the playmate becomes the girlfriend. It's just that they like a "loose" sort of bond. Being the maverick, the wild horse, they like lots of rope to run on. And even though they're a bit wild, when they fall in love, they'll stretch that rope to it's boundaries, but won't cross them when in love. So hang loose here, sit back and observe, and focus on yourself right now, not him. And see what happens, you might just be surprised ;-)

Anonymous said...

I would greatly appreciate some advice. I met Scorpio guy online. We hit it off from the first email. He always called first to set up dates; usually once or twice a week and messaged first every other day. The chemistry and attraction was amazing but I played cool.

This went on until last Wednesday, approx. our 10th date in just over a month. The date was great. We always kept things very lighthearted and flirty up until then. No funny talk about exes or other crazy topics. We fooled around a bit too, but it was average PG13 stuff.
He called the next day to ask when he could see me again. We flirted, chatted normally, but with a somewhat busy weekend and work week ahead (for both of us) I said we could maybe try for something on Sunday afternoon and if not maybe lunch the following Friday. He wanted to do both actually.

Sunday came and he was very different and very distant. He pitched up 2 hours late for the date...said that he's last minute lunch plans had gotten delayed. Yes he made lunch plans for the same time we agreed to meet up. He texted to say this and didn't call, which annoyed me but I was kind in my reply. He pitched up and I suggested we go to the movies and he said he could only do a quick drink as he has dinner plans with he's family. I didn’t say anything, but really felt like a last minute thought that he had to squeeze in between other plans. Until that point, a lot more care and planning went into out dates; especially ones made a few days in advance.

Anyway, when he left that day he kept saying stuff like he wished he didn't have to go and that we should do something where we could spend a whole day together. So I said yeah, he should just give me a call. (Was that the wrong thing to say?)

Work was pretty crazy this week though so after a few days of not hearing from him I messaged him on Wednesday (yes I initiated contact) to cancel the lunch we had planned for Friday. It was unavoidable as I had to have mentee work shadow me for the entire day and couldnt leave him alone. I explained all of this.

He called me a few hours later but the signal was poor and left a voicemail. He then replied to my email and asked if I was busy Friday night instead (The first time he ever asked me out over email/text). I returned he's call like I normally would have had I missed it and we agreed to dinner on Thursday due to our schedules. When we spoke he did mention that work was really crazy on he's side too, which I think he offered as a reason as to why he was so distant this week, even though I hadnt asked anything about that.

He texted me an hour before the date on Thursday to cancel. Saying that he still had too much to do for he's deadline and there was no way he could leave work. And then he asked if I had plans Saturday night. I responded with a "That's sucks." and a "I understand about work." and a "call me when things are less crazy and we can make proper plans." There was honestly was no way I was going to agree to a date over text after having just been blown off without even an apology.

He thanked me for my understanding 2 hours later and then went silent again.
I dont know him that well. A part of me is saying maybe I'm being too bitchy in the case he may be legit busy. But I also feel like no one could that busy to not pick up the phone and cancel a date properly an hour before the time.

Today (Saturday) he texted me to say "Hi" and that he "had gotten sick-most likely due to all the stress and busy-ness at work" followed by a general "how you".
I havent replied. I honestly dont know if I should believe that he really was busy and then sick. It just feels like too much of a coincidence in what has been a very off week. Am i'm just being harsh? Or do I go with my gut which tells me that this is bad news. If he had lost interest and was doing the disappearing act.... Why text me today?
What should I reply/do?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well I must say, you've handled this VERY well. Congratulations on that, you did everything right. So do not second guess yourself at this point. Your gut is speaking to you, don't ignore it. Also, you're watching out for yourself here which is the right thing to do. So no, you've done nothing wrong here.

Never accept a last minute date from men and when they cancel and bail on you, be nice but firm in sticking to your guns if you want a guy to respect you - and more importantly, his time with you.

I may be wrong, but here's what I think is happening. The relationship progressed and he felt the need to pull back. All men do this and women should expect it. It has no bearing on the woman, it's the man and how they process things is all. Two steps forward, 3 steps back, 7 steps forward, 4 steps back - when things move to fast for men, they put on the brakes to keep a healthy pace and distance. So it has nothing to do with you.

BUT - how you react could make or break this. So what you do is, you reply (give it a day or two though - you're busy too ;-), and you be nice and approachable. But he has to ask you out, he has to show up on time, he has to MAKE time for you and he has to RESPECT your time as well. Anything less than that, you don't agree too.

No, this isnt' harsh. It's standing your ground and demanding some respect - and more women should do that for themselves. And if he was legitimately busy, he should still apologize. And you should still be nice but firm. So no, you're not being bitchy.

This is just a little stutter-step that happens in every relationship. He may have felt it was moving too fast is all. He'll be back. But in the meantime, no, you do not bend over backwards for him or do things like rearrange your schedule and whatnot to accomodate him. You keep doing what you're doing and trust in the fact that it will all work out. And if it doesn't and he bolts - he wasn't genuinely interested and you dodged a bullet here. That's how you snuff a player out. A player won't "work" at a relationship. But a guy who's genuinely interested will. And he'll be understanding towards you and your time, as you've been towards him and his time.

Just don't blow up on him, don't chase him down and don't question him about any of this (or he'll think you're insecure and he'll be turned off). You play it cool, as you have been. And once he's had enough space and time (to miss you), he'll come seek you out.





Anonymous said...

I am a recently divorced Tauras that left an abusive, narcissitic husband. My marriage was bad from the beginning and I'm happy as a clam to be out of it.

I recently stated seeing a Leo man, also divorced, who was sweet, kind, considerate and loving. He was everything my ex was not. He does have a demanding job, so If I didn't hear from him for several days I didn't freak out. Ok, I may have freaked out a little, but always in private. After not seeing him for 8 days, we had plans to spend a Sunday together. Needless to say, I was very excited about spending the day with him and looked forward to it. At the last minute he had to cancel to tend to a work crisis. He text that evening to let me know he was sorry to miss our day together. Instead of being understanding, I was pissed. I text a remark to let him know that I felt like everything and everbody came first in his life in front of me. It was a stupid and selfish remark and I so regret it. I'm only human and I do make mistakes. We had plans 2 weeks later to attend an event together and he cancelled. He disappeared after that. I have never contacted him (not once). It's been 2.5 months. Do you think he is gone for good?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well, my gut tells me no. I've seen men disappear for a week, two weeks, a month, 3 months, 6 months . . hell, even years . . and then show up suddenly out of nowhere. As a matter of fact, a man I dated once (yes, only once) and did not feel it was going to be a match, so I let him go - well, he just showed up after TWO years about 3 weeks ago.

So you never know, and never say never. Men take a lot longer to miss someone, much longer than women, and especially a busy man with very little free time to himself to think.

Leo men are generally good people. A tad arrogant as they are "The Lion King" of the zodiac, but very "boy next door" types of guys usually. So I think he'll resurface eventually. Especially if there was a connection and some "unfinished business" in this situation. Which at some point in time, he'll wonder to himself what happened to you, how you are, etc. And when/if he does resurface, he'll act as if nothing happened and you should, too. Don't bring up the past (negative stuff). But don't jump through hoops either. Take a day or two to respond and keep it light and carefree with small talk, nothing heavy, no emotions.

Regretfully, and I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or beat yourself up, this is a learning experience is all. But regretfully, you were upset (emotional, needy) and it scared him off and made you look unreasonable and like you weren't flexible. If a guy bails on a date and doesn't apologize or act gentlemanly about it, then you just don't respond (no emotions, don't let him know he got to you.) However, if this happens and he IS apologetic and acknowledges it, then he's genuinely sorry and deserves a chance. That's what gentlemen do. They acknowledge, apologize and think of you. So if this ever happens again with another man, just keep that in mind is all.

Sit tight. He may reappear someday (I'm a firm believer they all come back, only about 1-2% don't resurface at some point.) But it may be a while. If he doesn't, lesson learned and that's why you met. Not because he was "the one" but because the universe felt you needed to learn to recognize a gentlemen from a narcissistic punk is all. So that the next time you meet one, you'll be able to differentiate him from the rest. We've all had this situation happen at one time or another. So be thankful for it, regardless if it works out or not, some positive did come from the experience, so recognize it for what it is.

Hang tough. If he genuinely liked you, there will come a day he will think of you - and seek you out. If not, take it as a postive lesson learned and be ready to recognize the next gentleman that comes along is all ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your advice Mirror!

Just reading over the blog makes me laugh and feel so much better about all it, and remember not to be so serious about it, chill out. Watched me some Oprah and Maya last night, remembering that people tell you who they are by there actions. If a guy doesn't do what he said he was going to do, then he's not a person to be trusted--that simple. You see crazy coming your way, cross the street and avoid getting hurt.

This morning I let go of my Friday afternoon shift at the clinic, only Sunday mornings for me--quiet and drama free! Felt a little guilty but then it's all about self-care, isn't is? Not running away, feeling the emotions but not wanting to be around to be pecked at.

Turns out the volunteer that's interested in the Sag. guy came in to sub for the gal that usually comes in after me. I connected with her on some things, had a stress free shift. ;) Yay me!

Life is wonderful!

Aquarius Sun, Aries Rising

Jodie Elcock said...

your article and comments have provided me with a great sense of comfort.. i am generally very strong emotionally, and expected that the man i met and adored was the same... well it turns out he went MIA too.. i expected he would just say what the issue was .. anyway he didn't.. didn't answer a call or text and initially I thought he was in some stife .. this is a long disance one so the only communication is via a call or text, other than the occasional trip to see each other which makes it even harder..but in any case I have not been in a relationship for 4 years, that's because i decided unless they were as capable as me i didnt want another emotional, needy cripple..anyway when i did meet someone who i acutally liked i was honest enough to say so... according to your advice though perhaps a little too honest.. even if this one does not work out (because i failed your first test and called and tried calling a few times because I had no idea initally that he had gone MIA - because of the distance and his work) .. i will at least know next time.. i certainly know i am far too capable to hang around for an emotional cripple, but now know stating how you feel too soon and being too honest is not worth doing either.. and aparently age has nothing to do with it .. at 43 im financially well off, am strong emotionally, dont rely on anyone for anything, have my own home ... not scared to do my own thing, can do almost anything had 3 careers have am a hairdresser by trade, have a degree in social science, landscaped my own back yard which now looks like a bail resort .... and even that does not seem enough when it comes to just being honest about feelings.. my god how complicated !!! is there anyone who is just honest and ok with out the games of the push pull.. play the game or is it the same for everyone ??

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror:

I met two guys within a month of each other. One fell off the radar about 4 weeks ago, most likely, because I pressed for exclusivity too soon. I know now not to do that… anyway, I just found out that they both have a mutual friend. I know that it’s going to come out sooner or later that I’ve dated them both. I did not have relations with the first man (just fooled around a bit, we had about 6 dates) and I haven’t even kissed the second.

Anyway, the one that disappeared just messaged me and said, “I hope your daughter does well on her SAT’s. “ I noticed that you believe that we should always let the man know that we are keeping our options open to make us sound like we are not sitting around waiting (which I’m not). I don’t want to make him jealous, but I kind of want him to know that, too. I did like him…

I thought about replying, “Hey thanks. Listen, no harm ,no foul. I know you’re not ready for the whole exclusivity thing... I think we have mutual friends, so let’s just be friends, ‘K?

Anyway, I guess I’m asking - how do I handle this little triangle, while also striking up the first guy’s interest, without losing them both?

Anonymous said...

Well I met this guy at school. Actually he made me notice him. At school, I am the kind to always sit in the back the class while he sits at the front. I then notice that at the end of every class, he would stand, turn to face the back and looks at me straight in my eyes without smiling, with no expression on his face. He did it at least five times or more, and every time he would hold my gaze for at least two minutes, to the point where I started questioning myself on why he is looking at like that. Then he would turn his back again and exit the class leaving me wondering. So last semester, a friend of his put us in contact with one another. It was only then that we started talking to each other. I then started noticing some things he was doing to capture my attention. He would change his look, he will dress up differently, up to the point where he started touching my back, caressing my arm, try to be around me all the time, as if he wants everyone to know that I am with him. However, though he was doing all that, I never tried to return the favor because what I something I noticed was as if he doesn't want me to touch him so I stopped returning the favor. One day, as we were working together on an assignment, I made him the remark that he seemed distracted and I believed that was what triggered his disappearance. I then send him a message apologizing and saying that once he is ready to come out of his shell, he knows where to find me. On that note, I stopped writing to him, and calling him. Still he did not responded. After a while of silence on his part, I send him a message saying I miss him and that I care for him. Then the following day, I saw him again but none of us said a word to each other. Three month later, I saw him in the neighborhood since we live in the same area and he started asking me personal questions on where I will be going after school; whether I will still be in the area or moving somewhere else. I mean for someone who kept quiet after so long and for him to start asking me these kinds of questions, hello!!! After that, I saw him back three months later but appearently he still seem to be mad at me because I sent him another message saying that it was nice to him but he never responded. Now every time I send him a message. He would appear the following day and disappear again. He is driving me crazy. What to do?

Anonymous said...

Compelled to share my story since I did everything you say not to... Curious for your feedback.

I started a sexting relationship with a guy I met online. He's younger, a Libra (I'm a Leo), and was clearly not looking for a relationship. It was fun and flirty but wasn't a daily thing. Heard from him at least once every two weeks.

It did get hot and heavy later and he did try to get intimate. I manage to dodge that though.

One of my mistakes though was to Google him, which I do for most everyone I meet. There's quite a few things online about him, and he definitely became more interesting to me.

He started to distance himself but instead of sitting back, I found myself becoming the pursuer and initiator of the sexting. When I ask him directly if I should stop, since I had a feeling he's cooled on me, he just laughs it off and says it's okay.

We did Skype a few times and it was fun. I then started pursuing him to get intimate but he skirted my offers, which was out of the norm.

I got attached and that was apparent when he took me off Skype. It was then clear we were done.

I should just let things be but instead, I texted him that evening, the next morning, then called when he didn't respond. We spoke and I was a bit needy - I acknowledged that things were done but trying for a meet for a proper break.

He didn't say anything about it on the phone but later texted to say he found someone. I wanted us to be friends but he thought it would be weird, that maybe we can try to start it up again, and that we should leave things as is.

I sent 2 texts after, asking him to reconsider but he didn't respond. I sent an email that night, apologizing for the needy call and texts, wished him well with the new relationship, and thanked him for the fun.

I haven't reached out to him since then and that was 2 weeks ago.

I should have read your advice before I became clingy and perhaps our casual thing would still be going.

You think he will comeback for more fun after all that? Regardless, should I just let this be as I'm obviously getting invested when he's not?

Anonymous said...

I need help,a guy start taking to me on fb then we start talking on callx n txting n we get close,.he said he loves me,n wish to be with me n time shall stop there for ever,we get closed,kisses n hugs on fone calls,n suddenly he disappered without any reason,n he dint respond to my txt n calls...it last for just two months,but i fall in love with him,what should i do????i got hurt

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Jodie,
To answer your question, yes, there are men who are okay with honesty and don't require the push pull tension of excitement in a relationship. However, based upon my experiences, most of the times, the men that do not require this are:

1.) Rare
2.) Fewer in numbers
3.) Nice guys that get passed over

I believe that men that like the "high" of the push pull tension in a relationship are highly competitive men with a tad bit of arrogance and ego by their side. Alpha males, if you will.

On the flip side, I've met men who are very genuine with their feelings and are also very emotionally available. But their generally the men that most women have a tendency to pass over due to the fact that they're not out there, approaching women and puffing their chests out in order to attract them to themselves.

I know many women in your situation and in your age bracket that are experiencing the same thing. So you're not alone and yes, age does not matter. As I stated in the article, women don't want to play "games" so-to-speak. But many men insist on this and when they do, a woman needs to stand her ground and hold her own. And here's the backlash with that. When you do that, you'll have fewer choices in men. Many won't qualify as dating material once you really start to sift through them (due to ego, arrogance, selfishness, etc.) You may feel like crap watching other women date, have fun, hear their stories, etc. However, those sitautions most always burn out within two months (due to the woman being too needy and aggressive in the situation ultimately). In otherwords, men will sleep with women they don't see a future with, but that made themselves easily, readily available to them. They won't get this opportunity with a woman who stands her ground for what she really wants though. So they won't bother.

But that's a good thing. That's how you find a good man. Weed out the idiots that will come along and use you and hurt you. Don't even give them the chance. Stand your ground and in time, you will find your Prince. It may take a long time, but it will happen. The day will come when a man will notice all that is positive about you and he will admire you for that. Arrogant men need lots of attention, they're not good at giving it. You don't need those men. You need a man who's going to give YOU the attention you need, so that you can reciprocate that back to him. That's a healthy relationship and it's also one that will stand the test of time - and that's what makes it worth it to sift through the others and wait it out for the right one to come along.

It is complicated, moreso than us women would like for it to be. But it is what it is. You have a lot to offer and if you stand your ground for what you want, need and deserve in a relationship - I'm a firm believer in that the universe will eventually grant that to you for all your efforts on your own behalf.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 17, 8:47AM,
Honestly, I wouldn' worry about the little triangle aspect for a couple of reasons.

1.) You are in no committment with either of these men.
2.) Because of that, you are not required to "answer" to, explain yourself or defend yourself in this situation here. You're a single, independent woman who is free to do as she pleases. You don't have to explain anything to anyone here.
3.) You didn't sleep with either of them, so it was simply innocent, casual dating - no harm, no foul.

So as far as that triangle is concerned, it's none of their business and you are not required to explain yourself to anyone here - so don't bother doing that. And if you're questioned about this, that's exactly what you say. You say, "Yea, we dated casually. It didn't go anywhere." That's it. All you're required to do here is acknowledge it and be honest when and if asked is all. Nothing more, no explaining yourself to either of these men. They do not own you, they have not asked or entered into a committment with you - you only owe them honesty if asked and that's it.

All that matters here is your response to the message. And you can signal that you're keeping your options open with actually coming right out and saying that. Men pick up on subtle signals, they're not dummies, they will read between the lines. So all you have to say to signal something like that is something casual, along the lines of what you initially wrote.

Something like, "Hey, thanks for wishing my daughter well the other day on her SAT's. I've been so busy lately, hope you're doing well!"

That's it. And if you read between the lines of that response, do you see what it REALLY says?

It says:

1.) I'm busy, I'm not sitting at home waiting for you.
2.) I'm over it, it was no big deal
3.) I'm still willing to be friends
4.) I don't need to talk about it (because I'm too busy living my life and doing well)

You don't need to directly address the issue with a statement like "No harm, no foul." Like I said, men aren't stupid and if you address it in a subtle, carefree manner as I've written above, believe you me, a man will read all 4 of those things into it - and he'll get the message without you having to directly address it.

When communicating with men, less is more.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonyous Oct. 17 10:04PM,
Hmm . . I have a coule of questions for you. Things that maybe you should mull over.

1.) Do you think you're going to find love and a realtionship by leading with sex?
2.) Do you lead with sex because you don't think a guy will like you if you're simply yourself?
3.) Why seek or settle for something casual when it's clear that you want something more?
4.) Do you think you're selling yourself short?

I think maybe you should ponder those questions. Ask them to yourself and answer them honestly. Because here's the harsh reality. Women don't do well in casual, sexual relationships. That's a fact. Women become emotionally involved through the sexual process, even if physical sex isn't taking place. Anything sexually related, a woman will form an attachment through.

So you also need to ask yourself, "Why am I going about it this way? Why am I settling for this? Why am I doing this to myself?"

You're setting yourself up to be used and to experience pain and to never find love or a healthy relationship in this manner. If you conduct yourself in this manner with men, you will always only be a "trinket" to them. If you don't respect yourself, how can you expect a man to respect you enough to fall in love with you? Because even though men attempt to encourage women to behave in this manner - these are NOT the type of women that men fall in love with. Women who conduct themselves sexually with men, right off the bat, are always only a fling to them.

So by leading with sex, by starting out the connection that way - that's all it's ever going to be. Period.

So if flings are what you're after, this behavior is acceptable. However, if a relationship is truly what you seek, you will never find one this way. And by creating a sexual attachment, you're creating a situation where, for you, it won't be casual - you'll get attached. And while he's getting pleasure, you're going to get pain.

You pursue him for a relationship, you're asking him for more here. But then you end with "Will he come back for more fun?" That's somewhat confusing because it's clear you're seeking more than just fun, yet fun is what you're willing to settle for?

Do you see where I'm going with this? You're asking him for more, yet willing to settle for less? That's a recipe for disaster and unhappiness.

So to answer your question, "Should I just let this be as I'm getting invested and he's not?"

Ummm . . yea! Why would you walk straight into a situation that you're on the loosing end of? Why bring that on yourself? Why settle?

You're never going to get this one to respect you in the manner that would be necessary for him to get involved, fall in love and have a relationship with you . . . because you didn't present yourself as a woman he can respect.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be hurtful here. I want you to find happiness and in order to do so, these are things you seriously need to think about.

If you're willing to keep it casual forever and let this remain a casual fling, then yes, proceed. However, it getting used and dumped is going to hurt you, then no, you need to let this one go as nothing real will ever come of it.



Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror of Aphrodite, I'm back with more questions and in need of advice ;) So here we go:

The guy and I have been keeping in contact with each other on the regular ever since I confronted him and he told me how he felt towards me while slightly touching on the subject of his unfortunate past relationship and of how he's still dealing with it. I've kept to my words the last time I posted on here saying that I'd be willing to stand by him and help him through the healing process. And with this, I've made the conscious decision to forgive his "disappearing behavior" and to slowly begin talking to him again. I mean I've been ignoring him, all he messages he'd send me, and payed him no attention. I completely shut him out. So I realized that if I really wanted to take a chance at this, I'd eventually have to talk to him again. Duh haha. But you're right about one thing .. they always come running back. Muahaha. ANYWOO him and I haven't actually had "the talk" about what is "special" to him. I said I wanted to take things slowly for his sake and we've been doing just that, however, I feel like I'm being a little bit too nice here! I'm giving him his space, letting him do his own thing, and showing him no pressure. My emotions are in tact, for the most part, and I'm allowing things to flow freely. I carry on with my life trying to keep a smile and I'm simply doing me. But there are some days where my insecurity would sneak up on me again and I'd feel the need to question him or at least ask him how he feels about me. Because till this day, I still don't know where he stands! He knows I still care about him. He says he has feelings for me and that was that. I need reassurance! :/ I mean, whenever he questions me I answer all of his questions truthfully. But when it's my turn to question him .. I feel timid and scared and I don't know why that is. I never wanted to pressure him into anything or force answers out of him. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable with me or to feel the need to run out the door the second we have deep talks about OBVIOUS ISSUES. Maybe it's because I care too much. :/ But that's not fair, if I answer to him he has to answer to me too. Right? I just feel like everything's repeating itself all over again and i can't afford to go through all the pain and heartache again. I most definitely don't want him get too comfortable with me being "nice" and to take me along for the ride. Although he said that he never planned on stringing me along or playing on my emotions and treating me as an object and that he truly did like me.

We'd make plans to hangout but they never happen. I called him a flake because it seems like that's what he is! Our plans never turn out like how they should. I guess what I'm saying is that even though I said I'd be willing to stand by him .. I want more from him. I want him to TRY at least because I've been trying so hard to make things work. To show him that he can trust me. To show him that I'm there for him. But in the end, I am emotionally exhausted and I get sad every time I think about it because he can be so flippin selfish sometimes!!!! :( Help.

Vivian said...

Mirror,

Thank you for your wonderful post. I've bookmarked it, and have read it at least 20 times over the past few weeks!

I'm not sure how to proceed with the situation I'm in. I'd love to hear what you think.

(Apologies for the length!)

I met this guy on a dating site, and we talked for over 7 months before meeting. We live in different states, but I was planning on moving to where he is.

At the beginning, I wasn't into him, but overtime he started to grow on me. And I really liked him (and he told me he liked me, loved my personality, and missed me a lot).

I ended up visiting him to check the city out, so we spent a few days together - and discovered that we have very strong chemistry (we made out and cuddled, nothing more), and have a lot of fun together.

Now before I met him, I did learn that he had been seeing someone for a couple of weeks. They aren't exclusive yet.

I don't expect him to stop seeing her, because I am not sure the exact date I'll move to where he is (it will be within the next few months though).

It did sting a little when I found out today he had been seeing her almost every weekend (found out via social media).

So I made a mistake of being a bit needy/insecure at the beginning of October, and started asking the "how do you feel about me" type questions.

Before we would text each other 3-4x a day, then after my needy question, he would disappear for 1-2 days.

After reading your article, I knew I shouldn't initiate anything and just wait for him to come back.

He would *always* come back, and seemed a bit sweeter each time.

However, he seems really really into her at the moment (it's been about 2 months that they've been 'seeing' each other).

He still continues to text me sweet things, though.

When I was a bit emotionally confused, I suggested we take a break in talking, but he didn't want to. He suggested we should let things happen, go with the flow type of thing.

So I get that it's possible he's just stringing me along incase it doesn't work out with her.

But I feel that, if I was there, he may choose me over her as I've known him *much longer* and I know he's very attracted to me.

Anyways, my question is, how should I time my texts at this point - and should I phase out the sweet talk?

Part of me thinks I should be a bit more distant and take longer to respond, because he's spending more time with her and it'd be pointless to try to "win" him over.

But I also don't want to lose him - because I do want to see him again when I move there, but I'd be crushed if they became exclusive before I even got there.

I know he still likes me, as he still continues to text me quite regularly. I've noticed when he takes a 1-2 day break or I've been taking a break, he seems to respond MUCH quicker.

I'm seeing 2 other guys right now, but I like this guy *a lot* more.

It does hurt a bit to see them out and about together in pictures.

I don't know how serious he feels about her though; I do know a man can enjoy a woman's company without feeling the need for it to go anywhere.

What do you suggest I do in the meantime to keep our connection alive?

I don't know if this matters but he's a: libra, venus in leo, mars in scorpio. And I'm a libra, venus in libra, and mars in sagittarius.

THANKS MIRROR!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 20 1:01AM,
Well, unfortunatel, in situations like this, this is why I ask the woman to seriously think about what it is that she wants and what it is that she needs to do. Because here's the thing. No matter what you do here, no matter how understanding you are, no matter how wonderful you are - he's emotionally unavailable to you. And nothing YOU do is going to change that. This is HIS issue, not yours.

And women tend to think that will change, or he will change, or they'll change him, or he'll fall in love with them because they're so very wonderful and understanding. Wrong. Not gonna' happen. That's fantasy thinking, not reality.

And if you proceed in a situation like this, you will never have your needs met, you will never feel special, it will always be about him and you'll always feel like something is missing.

Guys like this aren't worth is sweety :-( And honestly, this could all be a bunch of bull he's handing you as an excuse. Yea sure, he may have suffered some pain, but he's probably also using that to his advantage here by way of an excuse, too. You're not going to get more from this man. Hell, you're not going to get even remotely close to what you need here.

And if women decide to take chances on men like this and sacrifice their happiness to "fix" a man, then mirroring his behavior is an absolute must, or he'll take, take, take and give nothing and you'll feel used. And by that I mean, if he doesn't answer questions and open up, neither do you. If he bails on plans, so do you. If he ignores calls, so do you. You get the idea. You only give what he gives. Period.

Yea, I know. You're thinking, "But how do you get anywhere like that?" Well, you're not going to. But that has nothing to do with you, it's because of him. He's holding back and doesn't want more and that isn't going to change. So by mirroring his behavior, at least you protect yourself in the process and maybe at some point, he becomes intriqued and comes around. However, that's not very likely. Because you're vibing off of an aweful lot of emotion here, I see words like "stand by him" "trying so hard" "show him he can trust me" "I'm there for him." That's all emotion. None of which he feels or reciprocates. So with a guy like this, use only logic and pull yourself back to reality because he's emotionally unavailable. And he's not going to change.

I'm going to say something here and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think it may help you to understand what I'm saying. And that is, many men say this, "I don't want a relationship right now." But that's not the entire statement. The end of the statement, the part they leave out is this, "with you." :-(

I know many women who hang in with a man for years who claims he doesn't want a relationship only to find that 8 months after they break up, he's engaged to another woman. It's an excuse honey. Sure, it may have happened but let's face it, men jump in that saddle again and most times, a hell of a lot quicker than women. So when a man acts like he's at home in bed eating ice cream over a broken heart, nine times out of ten, that's a bunch of bullshit. And whether or not he says he likes you or not doesn't count. I like lots of people, but I don't have feelings for all of them. It's whether or not he has FEELINGS for you that counts. He can like you as a person, like you as a friend - but have not one feeling or emotion for you at all.

If I were you, I'd seek happiness for myself - with someone else. A man who can fulfill your needs, appreciate you, and give you what you want and need in a relationship. Don't waste two years of your life trying to convince a man that you're great. Find a man that doesn't need convincing and you'll find happiness.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 20 7:44AM,
First of all, I hope that you had plans on moving to where he is BEFORE you met him. Don't make him the reason for uprooting your life and moving there on a wish and a prayer with a man who has made no committment to you.

And this may not mean anything, but Libra men (not women) are considered "The Player" of the Zodiac according to Sextrology. And many astrologers, when they see lots of Libra in a placement, it may signal a cheater. I'm not saying that's what he is, I'm just saying be aware of that is all.

I know you're not going to want to hear this, but in order to protect yourself here, you need to pull back a bit. Let him come to you and let this thing he has going on with this other woman run it's course. Don't feel the need to compete with her to win him over. You'll be miserable if you do that and no woman should feel the need to "prove" herself to a man. He should notice you and you're wonderful qualities without you doing that.

Pull back and take lots of time to respond. You've already noticed that works, and it does. He'll start wondering about you and wondering what's going on. And that's a good thing because - he's thinking about you. And when you respond, keep it short, light and carefree. No heavy talks, no long drawn out declarations.

If you do that, you'll be able to distance yourself a bit, protect yourself a bit, and let this thing with him and this other woman run it's course. It may fizzle out after 2-3 months if she becomes clingy with him - and that's when he'll turn to you. And if/when he does that, you keep some nice healthy distance and tension on that rubber band to keep him intriqued and coming around.

And here's something else to think about. You're seeing two other men right now. You know, it's possible that one of THEM is the man for you, but you're just so clouded right now over this other guy taking up with another woman that you're not noticing these other two for who they are and you're not letting things progress there because secretly, you're already committing to this other guy, even though he hasn't done so with you. So by distancing yourself from this guy, you'll be able to give these others guys a true chance to show you who they are and you'll be able to notice them in a new light. Because they psychology behind this attraction you feel towards this guy right now may be partly because - he's unavailable to you right now (we all tend to strongly want what we can't have, that's a psychological fact.) So be aware of that factor and how it may be playing a part here.

So for now, dont' contact him, let him come to you. And when he does, don't answer right away and keep your responses short, sweet and carefree. This will show him you're still there, but maybe slipping away. And by doing so, you could kick that psychological fact into gear for you, to work to your advantage here, and he may all of a sudden want what HE can't have. In the meantime, you continue to date these other two men casually (no sex) and get to know them better and give them each a chance to show you whether or not they care for you. You may find that if one of them does, you begin to think of HIM more than the OTHER guy.

And just have faith that whatever is meant to be - will be. If you two were meant to be together, that's what will happen. And you don't need to force that to happen, it just will. And if it isn't meant to be, then so be it. That just means that he's not the man for you and that your guy is still out there (or maybe standing right in front of your face and you just can't see that right now :-)

Anonymous said...

All of what you say is true. But he did tell me that he still has feelings for me. Is this one of those situations where the bad must outweigh the good? Am I living in a fantasy world here and hoping for the impossible to happen with this guy? Last night we wrote to me but I was too upset to reply back. And whenever this happens, he's always on my ass and comes giving me all this attention when I don't respond to him or when I start ignoring him. (usually I'm tired of making up excuses for him myself ... maybe I just need to face the truth and the reality of things.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
It's possible that some of this is fantasy and this guy will never fully "come around" so-to-speak. But by distancing yourself and ignoring him a bit, you're going to be able to suss him out - to gauge his interest and his true intentions here and cut through all the BS talk and manipulation that might be taking place in order to string you along as a backup or plan B of sorts.

You keep your distance and you keep ignoring him a bit. You're already seeing that this stuff actually DOES work. He kicks it into high gear when he senses he may be loosing you and your attention. And that's what you want to continue doing, in order to get him to think about you - ALOT.

When a guy can ring a girl and bam, she's right there. It gives a guy nothing to think about, nothing to miss, nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. And the reality is, worry, a tad bit of fear, thinking and missing - are all good things. They're good because when that happens, you'll be all he thinks about. (Just like when a man disappears and pulls back on a woman, all the woman does is constantly begin thinking about him - and all that thinking is actually creating a STRONG attraction.) And that's what you want to do with him. And in order to get him to do all of that, you need to pull back and disappear.

Even when he comes to seek you out, you keep a distance. You keep this up for a month or more. Until he reaches the point where he MUST have an answer and he's REALLY ready.

Keep a distance, dont' be readily available to him, act like you're extremely busy, keep it light and carefree and create a lot of mystery for him. He'll be wondering where you're at and who you're with in no time. And once you get inside his head like that, you'll be all he's able to think about. Keep that up for a considerable amount of time, and you'll gain the upper hand here and you'll be able to better gauge his true interest and intentions.

In the meantime, I might suggest a trip to the bookstore. You'll be thankful for it. It will make you feel better about all of this and it will empower you. Go pick up two copies: 1.) "All The Rules: Time Tested Secrets For Capturing The Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. And 2.) "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov.

Go get them today or download them on Kindle immediately. They will make you feel much better, much stronger and you'll better understand how men think, operate and what they need in a woman to form a deep emotional attraction and bond with her. These aren't games, this is actually giving a man exactly what he wants and needs. It's strange, I know. But get those books and you'll quickly understand.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Oh and one last fact to consider: Men equate "longing" for someone with love ;-)

By becoming distant and unavailable, they begin to long for you. And that's exactly what you want them to do.

Anonymous said...

He messaged me saying that I'm such a disconnect -_- what does that even mean? I am officially annoyed of him. Just because I don't respond to him as quickly as he'd like me to or when I don't act accordingly to his wishes, he calls me out as the one who's not trying? FCK that. I'M THE ONLY ONE who's trying to make things work.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
LOL!!! That's perfect! It's working honey ;-) He's now thinking about YOU - a lot.

He's calling you a "disconnect" because he senses you're disconnecting with him and pulling back (he's feeling insecure now). He's worrying and he's thinking about you. Perfect.

Don't get annoyed sweety . . smile :-)

YOU now have HIS attention. He just handed you the upper hand here. He's starting to come unglued.

And you don't jump through hoops with him. Lots of men nowadays have it WAY to EASY with women who throw themselves at men, pursue them and give them tons of attention, asking for nothing in return. Well, newsflash dude . . you're different from other women. Perfect. He'll notice that about you and he'll become intriqued and think you're mysterious. And you're going to feel VERY good about yourself here and very empowered as a woman. Again, perfect.

So here's what you do now. Don't respond to that. He wants to engage you in battle and argue. You're too busy for that and frankly, you could care less about his little meltdown or his pranks (men do this to women all the time, now it's YOUR turn).

Tomorrow afternoon, you respond. But you DON'T acknowledge his little meltdown or his comment. You are happy and carefree. So tomorrow, respond with this:

"Hey there! It was nice to hear from you yesterday. I've been so busy, this week's been nuts. I hope you're doing well! Talk to you soon!"

Then disappear. Chances are, you'll get an immediate response back. You don't answer it. You stay gone. If he does do what I think he's going to do, which is respond in a very timely manner to that, possibly even more irritated than before . . you simply wait until tomorrow evening and you respond again in a carefree manner. If he's pissed, you ignore it, you remain happy and carefree (he's not going to get YOU to come unglued here). So here's what you do tomorrow evening if he responds to that message above:

1.) If he comes even more unglued and becomes mean or argumentative - you ignore that, he doesn't get a response tomorrow evening.
2.) If he's nice in his response, you send one text, two at the most, then you disappear again. And you keep those texts vague, happy and carefree. "I wish I could talk right now but I'm very busy. We'll have to talk later. Hope you have a great evening!" If he pushes and wants to talk, you repeat, "I'm sorry, I can't right now. But we'll talk soon :-)" Add the smiley face to that one and disappear. If he becomes angry, he gets no response because you're too busy to be getting caught up in his little drama meltdown.

No matter what he throws at you or how angry he becomes, you DO NOT reciprocate with anger or become caught up in it. You're busy, but you're nice. Keep it short and disappear.

Not responding to angry texts will signal to him that you're not going to get caught up in that. You don't have to answer to him, he's not your boyfriend, he's not your husband and you have no committments between the two of you that require you to do so. You're an independent woman who is happy and has a full life to tend to.

Keep responding like that until he calms down and realizes he needs a new approach. He needs to respect you if he wants your attention and responding to him like that will help him reach this conclusion and come up with a new plan - and more importantly, a new found respect for you :-)

In the meantime, you sit back, enjoy this attention you're now receiving from him, smile and pat yourself on the back for remaining strong, not coming unglued and not falling for his manipulation - but remaining a healthy, happy, independent woman.

Anonymous said...

(From - Anonymous Oct. 20 7:44AM / Vivian)

Thank you SO much for your quick response, Mirror. Your advice was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm feeling so much better about the situation.

Just to address a few things:

- I did have plans to move there before I met him. He actually asked if I visited his city because of him - and I told him no, that it was a stepping stone towards a goal (of moving there).

- Just a few weeks ago, he asked me if I was seeing anyone else...and I stupidly told him no. After that, I started to feel insecure because I knew it'd make me look too available. That's when he started pulling away a little. Shortly after that, I started dating the 2 other men, but he doesn't know I am *right now*. I'm guessing by creating some distance... he will start wondering if I am?

- When you say "take lots of time to respond" how long is that? If he texts me once a day, do I take a day to respond, or create more distance (few days)?

- This seems completely counterintuitive to me: if I act more distant, carefree, and take longer to respond - wouldn't it make him FORGET me? After all, he is seeing her so often (every weekend) and having fun with her. She's fresh in his head, I'm not. I feel like if I pull back too much, he won't remember the fun times WE shared together.

- You're right, I also did think to myself that I'm so attracted to him because he's unavailable, and what's worse is he's dating someone much better than me (triggering my insecurities).

- I will try to give the other men a chance. It's hard, because they are so eager and available and I'm not getting the same emotional high off it. Sigh!

- Vivian

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
"If I act more distant, carefree, and take longer to respond - wouldn't it make him FORGET me?" NO! This is where women go wrong. (And you've answered your own question here by what you said about the other two men in your life being readily available LOL ;-)

When you are always available, what's there to think about? (This is what's happening with the other two men in your life so refer to that for a better understanding of the psychology behind this). You want him to think about you. And the only way to do that, is to not be so available all the time. When someone is right there at your beck and call, what's there to miss? What's there to think about? What's there to wonder/worry about?

If a guy ever asks you if you're seeing other people or anyone else, you always give this response, "Yes I date, but it's casual."

Funny he asked if the move was for him (the male ego hehe). Great response in telling him it had nothing to do with him.

Taking lots of time to respond means just that. If you normally respond in 4 minutes, make it 6 hours. And make it a day or a few sometimes as well, if there's nothing "immediate" in the text or call and it's only a "touching base" communication. And when you do respond a day or so later, you say something like "I've been so busy lately!" And remain nice, friendly, and carefree while doing so.

And if you'd like to drop a hint that other men are now on the scene, that's easy to do. Somehow, in one of your communications (when you're very "busy") you explain that you've been very busy lately. You couldn't respond the other night because you were meeting a friend. Not friends (plural) a "friend" singular. And you DO NOT share the gender of that so-called "friend" in the exchange at all. Even if he pushes to find out if it was girlfriends or not, you remain vague and just keep referring to a "friend" - he'll read between the lines there and his brain will assume it's another man due to the fact that you're holding the gender close to your chest and not revealing it freely to him. Also, yes, creating distance along with this innuendo and reference to a "friend" will help him to assume this. Whenever someone pulls back, male or female, the first thing (insecurity) that comes to mind is "another person."

Cont . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

He's dating someone you consider better than you? Horse puckey. That's a crap assumption women make about themselves, dont' do that. I've seen men who only date 10's marry a 6. Men act like looks matter a lot, but when it boils down to it, the woman they choose to take up with long term are the ones that are EASY TO GET ALONG WITH, DON'T DEMAND ANYTHING, DON'T PRESSURE, AND ARE FUN TO BE AROUND - period. Looks fade and men are acutely aware that it's the inside that truly matters. They just play that stupid "looks" game to feel manly and impress their buddies is all. I have a friend who knows a guy who used to date a gorgeous, blonde, Russian pole dancer - and he married a woman in her 50's, some 8 years older than him, who has diabetes and health problems and trouble loosing weight. He loves her dearly, cares about her deeply and refers to the beautiful Russian pole dancer as "ugly" because she treated him like crap. So wipe that right outta' your mind.

And he WILL remember the fun times you've had, if you disappear and pull back and FORCE him to revert to his memories and think about you. If you're "in his face" he won't give it an ounce of thought. If you disappear, he'll give it lots of thought. The old "want what you can't have" unavailability psychological factor works both ways.

And you said it, "I will try to give the other men a chance. It's hard, because they are so eager and available and I'm not getting the same emotional high off it." You're not getting the "high" off the uncertainty and unavailability factor. So what makes you think that you can't use this factor on him - to your advantage - by pulling back?

That's the beauty of it, sweets ;-)

Too available, no attraction builds because there's nothing to think about or worry about. Disappear and run, gives people lots to think about, lots to worry about . . . and builds tons of longing and attraction.

And men equate longing with love ;-)

He can't long for you if you're always right there.

Reverse psychology, my dear.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
When I referred to the Russian pole dancer, who was a svelt, gorgeous 6 foot 1" by the way, as treating that guy like crap, I didn't mean she ignored him. I meant she was vicious in the way she spoke to him, she was extremely demanding, she was mean spirited towards him, unappreciative, and she said very hurtful things to him all the time. He felt like he couldn't make her happy or please her.

So don't worry that ignoring a man will be translated as "treating him like crap" by him. It won't. It will make you mysterious, it will make you look independant, he will value any time you give him (attention wise) more and he will be intriqued at your full life and the fact that you're not needy and clingly like other women who smother men.

You will come across as easy to get along with, carefree and fun, non-demanding and interesting.

Anonymous said...

Mirror, you're insight & perspective is spot on, you communicate & advise beautifully!! My story: met online, both early 40s,1st date great connection, both had just about given up hope. We saw each other a lot, (i always let him initiate plans, be 1st to call). We slept together in 2nd week, that didnt change the frequency of seeing & talking. Things changed when i started to worry about things. The 1st time i didnt hear from him for a day, i worried. Heres the thing, i KNEW i was being irrational, i dont need to hear from someone everyday. I remember thinking "what is wrong w/me?", I dont take things like that personall, but still felt concerned. I text him "everything ok?"Immediately, Im mad at myself. (Im a confident, patient woman, this was NOT my usual self! I know what scares men away, know to only give as much as you get in beginning, know to let him lead! Find out weeks later that birth control pill i started just before we met was causing anxiety. Never believed that stuff, but gyno said absolutely-their hormones! Think it was also bc i was nervous about something so great & having sex so soon.) Yet, he called seconds after my "everything ok?" text. Was not expecting that. I was so embarrassed, but just played it off. Over the next few weeks, i would have moments like this. Of course, he got busier & busier! Still reached out every few days, saw each other every 10 days or so. I tell him i want to talk, call me later. I dont hear from him for 4 days (he was working on moms new home) I text to say "not a negative talk", he replies i would love to see you/talk. So we go to dinner, he asks why we havent talked before this, why do we beat around the bush? Says he wants me to go to moms shore house, meet his mom. Im so happy, but turns out I'm pms-ing BAD (Ive never had pms) cry about work stress, not being able to take time off. So embarrassed! He was so sweet & comforting. I ended up leaving early "before i did/said anything else". I apologize the next day, he says no worries. I dont hear from him for 5 days. I call 2 nights in a row. After 2nd call, I send 5 texts saying it doesnt feel good to be ignored, etc.. He texts 3 days later, sorry for being so stand-offish, I really like you a lot but not sure I can give you what you want in terms of a relationship.

Anonymous said...

(Continuation from pms girl) This was just a horrible experience. It took friends of mine to say, what is going in? This isnt like you at all! One finally mentioned it could be the pill, so i made appt. 2 weeks later I sent him a card saying "wish life had an undo button"; BRIEFLY explained, maybe we can start again sometime. 2 weeks after that i left VM to wish him a happy bday & would love to buy him a bday drink, no expectations. He called that night, said he would like to see me. We met, he asked what happened, I didnt want to go there, I said you made me nervous. He said I made him nervous. He was happy to see me & missed me. And we slept together that night. We saw each other once a week,still not talking about "us". I text him for advice on home repair. Dont hear back from him for 5 days. I am actually not concerned about this. I dont think its considerate, but feel like my old positive self, this just tells me I am not a priority, and shoot i shouldnt be sleeping with him. Day5 i text: how are you? Quiet on ur end, hope everything is ok? Please let me know if you find my earrings? 3 days later he texts: long story, but been meaning to get back to you. I have your earrings. (Nothing else) My question : what is going on? Do i come across hot & cold?

Anonymous said...

Wow, I have so much to learn about men! Jotting down a lot of your points for reference.

I LOL'ed when you pointed that I had answered my own question with what I said about the 2 available men. Here's the thing though: doesn't this unavailability factor work more on men who are less busy, a bit more emotional, and needy/insecure?

This guy is a busy professional, doesn't seem emotional (very go-with-the-flow), and has rarely shown any signs of neediness or insecurity in our online communication. He rarely asks where I've been, or what I've been doing while I haven't responded (and I don't ask him either).

It just makes me doubt (a little) that me being unavailable could make him miss/remember me... when it appears his attention is ALL on her right now (he's following all her social media accounts closely, and liking/commenting Facebook posts). Your thoughts?

I'm slightly worried my unavailability might backfire right now when he's so into her. When I met him, he told me he felt I was unavailable for the past few months and didn't know who I was seeing, so he gave her a chance (she initiated the hangouts, and wanted to hang out more and more with him). For the past 7 months, I had mirrored his actions and message length; if he took 3 days to get back, I would reply within 3-4 days. If he wrote 1-2 lines, I would also respond with the same. This made me look unavailable (I was just trying to match his pace!).

I do need to clarify one thing: when I said that she's better than me, I don't mean looks (in the gorgeous Russian pole dancer case, I can see how her being so awful would drive a man away though!).

She is everything you mentioned, because I asked him (before I met him) if her personality was similar to mine. He said yes, she was easy to be with, understanding, and get along well. (She's 25, I'm 27, and he's 31).

I also found out through some digging that she is more accomplished than me in her career (I'm in the early stages of building up my business), has an active busy life (I'm busy but definitely not as busy as her checking out different restaurants every day), is extremely outgoing (I'm outgoing too but not 24/7 like she is), and basically knows everyone and has a lot of friends. She doesn't seem to have a mean bone in her, and seems like a nice and friendly person. Overall, a catch.

I've read both The Rules & Why Men Love/Marry Bitches - and it doesn't look she'd act clingy/needy and scare him away, because she leads such a busy life. I guess I feel like she's flawless and can't do no wrong, so all I can do is watch them spend more time and like each other until they become exclusive. Ack, it's painful to think about it!

I could be wrong, but I think he sees her as someone who's really fun to hang out with, laugh, and spend time with, whereas he sees me more as a romantic/sensual/affectionate lover type. Not sure if that's a good thing.

PS - I really appreciate your thoughts and talking to you about this. Thank you so much. It's been driving me crazy the past few days! Hopefully I can calm down soon, get on with my life, start doing what you suggested, and report back some positive results later on.

- Vivian

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 20, 5:14PM and 6:06PM,
Okay, please don't take what I'ma about to say as mean or cruel, you're asking for help so I'm going to be honest here. You're not coming across as hot and cold, you're coming across as fearful, insecure and needy :-( I'm sorry.

Don't beat yourself up about this, it's a learning experience and good will come from this. You're not alone here, all women experience this at some point. I made a reference to this in the article above:

"You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise."

This is what's happening here. Coupled with the fact that when you feel fearful, you begin to overcompensate by pursuing and chasing. Read through your comment and notice how many times your initiating contact, questioning him, pressuring him, acting fearful by assuming something is wrong, etc. You're rushing at him out of fear, he's sensing that this is what you're doing, it's making him nervous (it's negative behavior) and he's pulling back. He seems like a nice guy though because he's still hanging on. A lot of men would bail completely, go MIA and resurface months later (after giving a woman enough time to "be well" over it again.)

I don't think your anxiety is coming from the birth control. Some of it may, but this is "fear" stemming from your expectations not being met. You're looking to him for your happiness instead of providing that for yourself and being okay with or without him. A man can't hand you happiness and men like to miss women, long for them, and you're not permitting that to happen here. You expect calls and contact when he may truly be busy and you're taking it personally, because your expectations aren't being met. You can't expect a man to call everyday, text everyday. If a man keeps in contact fairly regularly (i.e. at least once a week) - everything is okay and there's no need to panic or become fearful and then project those fears onto the man.

You're not a priority to him right now because he's taking some space. And you should let him. Pull back and detach a bit here. Get busy and distract yourself with other things or call your girlfriends when you feel fearful, not him. I don't think all hope is lost here.

So what you do is, stop contacting him immediately. No calls, no texts. Let him come to you (and realize it may be several weeks before he does, which is perfectly fine.) When he does contact you, you remain upbeat, no heavy talks, no sharing fears, no worrying out loud. Be fun, easy to be around and carefree, as you were in the beginning.

Notice how well things went when you conducted yourself like that with him? When did everything begin to change? When YOU changed, not HIM. And when you're behavior changed, he reacted to that by adjusting his behavior towards you as well. So to repair this, you go back to square one. Once he notices you're behavior has changed again, hopefully he will adjust his once more and things can return to normal.

If he remains detached, do not sleep with him anymore. If he keeps a distance, stay calm. If he disappears, chalk it up to a learning experience and attempt to move on. You won't have a choice anyway if that happens, so just accept it.

Keep your emotions to yourself or share them with your girlfriends. It's way to early to be using him as your therapist here, so refrain from doing so and turn to friends for that. He's unsure right now about being able to deal with all the heavy emotions, it feels like work to men and isn't any fun. So let him take all the time he needs and disappear.

Hopefully, he likes you enough to notice your absence and he'll come to seek you out.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
"Doesn't this unavailability factor work more on men who are less busy, a bit more emotional, and needy/insecure?"

No, this goes back to very primal gender roles psychologically. Men are hunters, women are nesters (hunter, gatherers). That hasn't changed in eons and never will. It's how we're all biologically programmed. Men like a challenge, they enjoy healthy competition, they like to succeed, they enjoy the journey (the hunt). And there's reasearch to back up the concept that uncertainty actually heightens romantic insterest (the "high"):

http://www.psmag.com/culture-society/uncertainty-heightens-romantic-attraction-26363/

Yes, he may be into her right now. If that's the case, then you need to realize that NONE of YOUR actions will change that. You have no control over that. So don't try to control it by coming on strong, overcompensating or contacting him alot - you'll set yourself up for failure there because nothing you do will will have an affect on that. It's out of your hands.

If she did this "she initiated the hangouts, and wanted to hang out more and more with him" that may be working for them right now. But if she's that into him, she's a woman and she will, most likely, eventually become clingy and needy, asking him for more. When this happens, he may unexpectedly and suddenly bolt on her. And if he pulls back on her, she'll be more apt to behave like that seen as how she initiated this whole thing and that won't sit well with her.

And honestly, if HE needs to be pursued by a woman to reassure himself, then he's a tad insecure. Confident men pursue women because they see themselves as succcessful. Insecure men let women pursue them (players have women beating down their doors and players are actually insecure men who need to bullshit women into accepting them because secretly, they don't feel they could score without the bullshitting they do - so they play the game to be successful - rather than having the confidence to be themselves to do so). Men who need to be pursued or need the woman to do a lot of the work are secretly insecure and lack confidence. I've seen perfectly good "catches" so-to-speak actually turn out to be secretly insecure and lack confidence, and need lots of attention from a woman in order to feel confident enough to move forward. They are successful career oriented men, but when it comes to women, it's a different story. In the end, they don't make good boyfriends or husbands and many end up behaving insecure in the relationship eventually - despising the womans independence over time and her leading a full life of her own and becoming very jealous of her friends, her career, her status - and destroying the relationship because of it.

Either way, as I stated before, nothing you do is going to have an affect on their relationship here. You have no control over that. I'd stop following them online. I'd pull back and accept that what's meant to be will be. Even if it turns out that he's not the one. Because all this focus on him and watching their relationship develop online is painful to you. Why put yourself through that when you have no control over it? It's not healthy and it's keeping your from focusing on the other men in your life who may turn out to be great potential mates.

Those guys are eager and WANT your attention, they WANT to be with you. That's the way a woman should be treated. So why not let them treat you that way?

You know, about 90% of the healthy relationships that I've seen out there, when I ask about the early days, it never fails, the woman always says something like, "You know, when I first met him, I didn't like him. But he pursued me and won me over, he grew on me and now I love him dearly." And those men are crazy about their woman and treat them like gold, even years later.

Think about it, hehe ;-)

Anonymous said...

Lol I love how honest you are about everything. You're right, ignoring him HAS worked in the past but I'm not too sure if whether it'll work on him now. It's become a habit for us .. we'd talk about our issues or differences, we'd get upset at each other, I ignore him, and he comes running back. I just don't know how many more times I can keep doing this till the day that he no longer comes back. :/ Unfortunately I didn't get your post in time and had already responded back to him *crap. I just told him that it's not fair for him to call me out as being the one who's disconnected when he's the one who's emotionally unavailable and the one who doesn't want more. I mean we've been running on HIS schedule this whole time am I not correct? Was it my mistake to say that? Did I just ruin this whole thing for myself? He wrote back saying, "Change my views then. On relationships. I'm not going to put it out there like how I use to." I understand that he's been through a rough past and is emotionally scarred. I know deep down, he is insecure about himself and unwilling to open up. But what I'm asking isn't for him to put himself out there or to shower me with attention, I don't need that. But a little emotion would be nice or a sign that he cares. Am I asking for too much? I don't have all the answers to give him about relationships and why their worth it. I myself have been through a past of bad relationships .. he's not the only one who has his guard up. I myself am a woman who's trying to protect herself and if he needs me to "change his views" then idk what to do anymore. Because I admit, I'm scared myself when it comes to being in a relationship with him, however, for me I'm willing to give it a go because I deeply care about him. I trust him. You're telling me to take a step back and to ignore him again and keep a distance. Do you think that'll really work on him again?

Anonymous said...

This is 42-year old Leo with Taurus male from September postings. I wanted to update a bit and run something by you. After my last post which was basically stating that he was finishing fiscal year, leaving for 2 trade shows overseas with an international sales meeting in the mix. I had not seen him on Skype. I knew he hadn't blocked or deleted me as I tried a few things to check. So I ended up texting him a friendly "hi" about a week after he got settled into his trip. He responded immediately and I casually mentioned "no skype?" He said "I've been running around crazy, I can't log in from Europe via my phone and my the time I get back to my hotel room after the show, I'm too tired to care ;)". I said I understood but didn't feel comfortable initiating anymore. He seemed confused. I said "well I have not felt that you've had much time to talk to me since I saw you last so given that you appear to be tired as well, I will let you initiate when things settle down for you." He apologized and said he's been pulled in a million directions, has been traveling non-stop and has been bone tired and stressed. He said there's not other reason. Then asked if I still wanted him to take pics of me and my dog for my Christmas card and we said he'd do this when he got back.
A few weeks passed. I knew he was back but let it go. He left me a message me about the pics asking when I would want to take them. I responded the following day saying thank you and that I would let him know. The next day, he texted wanting to know if I knew when. He's clearly wanting to see me but I'm in no rush because I need to shed a few pounds and organize my apartment that he's never seen.
So this is last week and I know he has the kids over the weekend so I say "let's touch base next week." He texts me on Monday - again, when.
I could bore you with back and forth but my main question is this: I'm not really "matching" him per se, because I'm trying to stall, I'm stretching time out and I'm pretending to be busier than I am. This also leads me to ignore him.
Now, although it would seem like what I write is working, he's starting to punish me for taking time in getting back to him. So, for instance: this past Thursday night 8:30pm ish, he asked what I was up to. I responded and said I was meeting up with a girlfriend. A few hours later, he said "where did you end up?" I ignored and texted him the next day saying "wasn't expecting to hear from anyone so had my phone in my purse for a bit. Were you out or something last night? ;)"

Anonymous said...

cont..

No response. Almost all day. Then I finally text him "how is your day?" and he responded within 10 minutes.

So here's my question and this is a pattern even when things are good. If I take a marked amount of time to respond to a specific question or something, he will generally ignore me until I send a second text which in my mind is the olive branch and THAT he will respond to. Now, there are times when he wont hear back from me and if I'm overdue for a response that hasn't come, then he will often nudge. However, it's when the text or response is LATE that he will dismiss it until I offer another as some sort of peace offering.

So what's that deal about? And how can I be strategic in cases like this?

* Remember, this is a very casual, mostly sexual (but we are friends as well) relationship that I'm very happy with AS LONG AS I am getting proper flirtation and attention. I don't wish for anything more at this point and he doesn't either.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 21 1:52PM,
"Change my views then. On relationships. I'm not going to put it out there like how I use to."

WTF???? Honey, this guy is really something! I mean . . is there ANYTHING that he won't put on YOU? I mean really . . now it's YOUR job to FIX HIM? Tell him to get outta' here with that, what a bunch o' crap.

Listen, it's not your job to fix someone, anyone, at all. He is responsible to solve his own problems and his own emotional issues, not you. That's absurd, to lay that on someone else. And for him to expect a woman to fix him and force her to do all the work here is not only asking alot, it's ridiculous, and it's not even something anyone but HIM is capable of doing.

I know you don't want to hear this, but he's a complete waste of time. He's demanding, he's irrational, he's asking you to do all of the work here and somehow fix him and his bad impressions of relationships - I mean, it's absurd and hopeless.

Basically, what he's saying is, "If you can't fix me, I'm not going to be with you." WTF is that? And who is he to be asking you to do such a thing and to put up with such ridiculous requests. That's what I'd tell him. I'd tell him, "It's not my job to fix you. It's not my job to make you well. It's not my job to repair you emotionally. And it's not fair for you to ask that of me. Only you can do that for yourself." You need to throw his problems right back on him, stop absorbing them as your own, stop trying to fix him and make him aware that HE'S broken. And until HE fixes HIMSELF, he'll NEVER be able to make ANYONE happy, including himself. It's a complete and total waste of time.

He's manipulating you emotionally and he's using guilt to do it. He's projecting all of his problems onto you and making them yours. What if you did this to him? You know what he'd do? He'd walk. Period, case closed. He'd walk. He'd call you broken, he'd call you crazy, he'd say you have too many issues to deal with - and he'd walk. Because I'm quite sure he's mature enough to realize no one can fix him or his outlook but himself. So placing that huge chore onto someone else's shoulders is complete nonsense.

Relationships should be fun. Your partner should try to make you happy, not expect you to fix them. They should be saying sweet things to you, doing nice things for you. You are getting absolutely NOTHING out of this but a bunch of grief and unrealistic requests and excuses from him.

Cont . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If, for some unknown reason, LOL ;-), you really want him in your life as a partner, at this point, I think it's best for you to stand up for yourself here and make him responsible for his own issues. At the very least, he'll respect you for doing so and for talking sense to him. Maybe not right away, but someday, any rational human being would be able to see that and do so.

If it were me, I'd take about a 3-4 week hiatus from him, his crap and his drama. I'd tell him that you think he's not ready, he doesn't want this, and he needs space and time to think and fix himself. And when/if he ever accomplishes that (time to put his big boy pants on) - to call you. I'd remind him yet again that what he's asking is ridiculous and unfair and he, and only he, is capable of doing what he requests. Then I'd split. I wouldn't answer any texts or calls for weeks (make him REALLY think about what you said). Then I'd check in around a month later. If he's still bitter and unrealistic, he's not working on himself and he'll remain emotionally unavailable. If he seems to have calmed down, thought about what you said, and seems rational and well balanced, then I'd pick up again.

But I would never waste my time trying to fix anyone whose broken because it's not something another individual can even do for him. He's in control of his life, not anyone else. And I'd also inform him that if he's never going to be willing to put it out there, he's always going to be alone.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

If he's asking you to take a risk on him, then honey, he better damn well be willing to take a risk on you - or he gets nothing from you. You only get what you give in this world. And how the hell can you ask so much of someone when you're flat out refusing to give them anything in return for their efforts. That takes balls.

He needs strongly reminded of all of this.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@42 Year Old Leo,
The deal about that is, he's acting childish and selfish. He feels he's the only one whose permitted to be busy and push someone aside. Too bad.

Me personally, I'd stop sending those "olive branch" texts to prompt him. Let him put his big boy pants on here (if/when he wants sex, TRUST ME, he WILL break down and contact you, even if it's weeks later). He wants YOU to do the heavy lifting here, he wants everything on HIS time and when HE wants it, and I don't like that. This homey don't play that, LOL. I don't answer to anyone without committments or exclusivities in place (that's how you keep things balanced and fair in these situations) - and he sure as hell don't either, which he's already proved to you. So what gives?

I mean, especially since this is casual. Think about this. If it's casual, why then, is he acting like you owe him something? Why is he acting like you have to answer to him when there's no committment here on either part? Why does he feel like you owe him a quick response? Why is he acting like he should be a priority, when it's only casual? If it's only casual . . then why the hell isn't he acting like it, LOL?

It's not a good sign and it signals that he's a tad insecure, selfish and immature truthfully. I'd have half a mind to remind him that this is casual - period. No one's committed here, you're both busy and casual means exactly that - casual. I'd love to see what he'd say about that. Because personally, I think he thinks you like him alot and want a relationship. That's what he expects of you. So when you don't behave as if you're in a relationship with him, his ego gets bruised and he misbehaves and punishes as a result. Not cool at all in a casual situation, it's very controlling.

I'd say something to him like, "I've noticed that when I'm busy and can't respond immediately, you seem to get upset. Is there something you'd like to talk about here? Because this is a casual arrangement, ya' know? And at times, I feel like you expect us to act like we're in a relationship when we're not."

Cont . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'd throw that all on him and make him feel silly so he puts his head on straight here and knocks it off.

It's up to you, but I don't think I'd give in to him so easily, it's giving him way to much control and power over the situation - which he's now beginning to weild against you. Again, not cool in a casual situation. Doing what you're doing is having an affect, he is responding immediately after not hearing from you. He's just getting a bit childish because he doesn't have your full attention - even though this is "casual" (wink wink hehe ;-)

I dunno, I'm sensing he may expect more. Because he's sure acting like it. And me being me, I'd call him out on that, LOL.

Anywho, I digress. If you want to be strategic about this, don't fall for that from him. Continue with your life, take your time responding and remind him this is casual. (Because it's quite possible he secretly wants more and you continuing what you're doing may prompt him into taking action with you on that. You never know hehe.)

But I wouldn't give in. Because he's expecting you to answer to him. And in casual situations, that's not fair and it's not required.

Another strategy to consider is toying with him about it in fun, humorous, funny way. I get a little snarky with people in those situations by saying things like, "Awe what's the matter? Did you miss me hehe ;-)"

Here's an example. Recently, after taking a while to respond to a guy (whose only a friend mind you, no involvement), when I did respond, he totally screwed up and said this, "It took you 32 hours to respond to me." Rather than defend myself (which I don't need to do as I'm not required to answer to him), I simply said, "Wow. You know, you shouldn't let a woman know that you're sitting by the phone, counting the hours it takes her to respond LOL!" He got a lil miffed, but I kept up the humorous, lighthearted poking (I was going to get my point across). He responded by saying, "You make me laugh." I text back and said, "I make YOU laugh, LOL? Whose the one sitting by the phone counting the hours creepy counter? Geesh, what did you do back in the days of the answering machine? I bet it killed you to wait for a call to be returned, LOL!" (Again, getting my point across that we're not in a relationship, text is like an answering machine, and reminding him I am in no way, shape or form required to treat him as a priority) He responded, "It didn't bother me back then." I kept up the humor (because I wasn't going to let him get away with this crap of keeping tabs on me and expecting me to answer to him and I wanted to make my point, but without a fight, using humor) so I said, "Huh, interesting. So what's changed since then?"

BAM! I dumped all his insecurities right onto his lap. At that moment, he realized how stupid he was behaving and he became extremely embarassed over his actions - because I totally outed him - and he said, "Ok, you've made your point. I'm laughing. So how was your day?" And that was that. Temper tantrum over. And to this day, he's never pulled that crap on me again. He now respects my time and respects me for standing up for myself like that. He's now very courteous and considerate. Problem solved.

So that's a strategy to consider here for you in your situation. He's behaving a tad needy in a casual situation and I think he needs gently reminded of that. How you do it is important though. Humor. That's the key. And even if they get mad, you keep it light, make no big deal of it, and keep hitting him with humorous jabs to calm him down and get your message across and to stop him from playing the silly "you must answer to me" game he's playing - in a casual situation, no less.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for all your helpful advice, again! You're absolutely right that none of my current actions can control/affect the developing relationship he has with the other woman, since I don't live in his state. All I can do is let it run its course, whenever that happens.

What you said about "insecure men let women pursue them" really resonated with me. I think that's why this guy confused me, because he's the FIRST person who did not pursue me crazily like my other exes. He's so relaxed and confident in person, but somehow I picked up on a needy vibe I didn't sense online.

He could be more insecure than I think. Without his professional job, 6 figure salary, and his muscular body, he would seem average and nerdy, LOL!

I have a question: so, last week when I texted something needy (something along the lines of 'Where's my goodnight kiss?'), he pulled back for a day, but he still responded sweetly. Then I took a break for a day because I was upset he left me hanging, then came back, and became more detached (no sweet stuff) by asking him his opinion on something that happened to my friend.

This went well for a few days, then I didn't text him from Friday to Sunday because I was concentrating on other guys. On Sunday evening, I texted him back, continuing the conversation. I didn't expect him to write back so soon (I did ignore him the entire weekend), but he responded Monday morning (today).

But it was NOT a continuation of our conversation! It was simply him saying something sweet ("muah muah muah"). I'm slightly annoyed; I just want to have a proper conversation, but he draws me back into the sweet talk.

Mirror, how do I respond when he says sweet things to me like "Muah!" "I miss you" "Why haven't you kissed me?" "Kisses!"? Do I simply IGNORE it, and continue talking about other things? It seems very rude.

Also - if I just stop being sweet completely, won't he assume non-interest? That might even speed up the development with the other woman, as she's more interested.

I want to keep him interested, incase I want to see him again when I move there.

Would this be a good response: "That's so sweet! Hope you had a good weekend!"? Like it acknowledges his sweet comment, but doesn't require me to say anything back.

- Vivian

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
Ok, I have a much better feel for him now as this goes along. I think my inkling of him being insecure is correct. This guy needs lots of attention, needs smoke blown up his arse LOL, and needs lots of reassurances. However, while he's gathering that for himself (playing games, kissy games), he's also got a wall up and he's not going to talk serious here because that won't fulfill his ego's needs. The kissy stuff fulfills his ego's needs, makes him feel better about himself and makes him feel manly.

In a weird way, I almost feel this one might be emotionally unavaiable. And it wouldn't surprise me if his situation with this other girl doesn't eventually hit this "wall" either. I wonder if he might be what I call a "good time guy." The guy who talks the talk, comes across as a nice guy, but in reality, he's only the kind of guy you can go out and have a good time with. He's not a relationship kinda guy, although he'll go along and pretend like he's willing for a while first, before he pulls out for good. And good time guys are insecure men. They fear true intimacy with a woman, they fear getting hurt. And the only types of women I've ever seen these good time guys actually settle down with are women who are totally insecure themselves, live their entire life around the guy, and do everything he says, willingly. In otherwords, they only settle with women who will make it all about THEM. Weak woman, without independent lives, who are insecure themselves and feel they need a man - so they'll put up with some really ignorant stuff and poor treatment just to have one. And it usually all starts out with the woman chasing him down, pursuing him to the ends of the earth and showing her willingness to wrap her life all around him.

Cont . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Not sure if that's the case here, but that's something to think about. And here's something else about insecure men - they cheat, anytime, anwhere, anyplace. They're opportunists with women. No matter how good the relationship they're in is, they'll cheat when given the opportunity because it makes them feel better about themselves, pumps their broken ego and makes them feel manly (because secretly they feel bad about themselves). And if you really put this situation under a magnyfying glass, look at what he's doing with you while he's seemingly appearing to have a budding relationship with someone else. He's kissy talking you, behind her back, the entire time. I bet she considers them exclusive and I bet if she knew this, she'd blow a gasket. But insecure men, yea, that's how they operate. Players didn't earn the name players for nothing, ya' know? I bet he's leading her on to believe she's special and she's the only one and that they might BE in a relationship right now, but the reality is, he's keeping his options open with you right now on the side. It'd be a tad bit different if he was being honest with the other woman, but I bet he's not, I bet he's being sneaky here, like a true player, LOL.

So keep seeing those other men. Forget about these two in the meantime, it may implode at some point. Keep in mind, he may be acting like this with 5 other women as well, besides you, and if you want to keep the door open in the event you'd like to see him again at some point in the future, yes, respond. But take your sweet old time here, no favors for this one while he's behaving shady like this. Keep it short, keep it sweet and keep it light. Stay light with this one, he's not going to talk deep anyway. So yea, the response you wrote will work just fine to keep that door open.

I'd take out the exclamation point after the first comment though (it appears to eager). Say this instead, "That's sweet. . .have a great week! TTYS" Just tone it down a bit, wish him well this week (as if you may not be around) and tell him you'll talk to him soon (but you don't know when because you're busy leading your life, too).

Ms. Scorpio said...

Hi Mirror,

I read your article, and your responses to others, and you are amazing!! After so many years of struggles, I came to the same conclusions you shared about two years ago, which led me to take a two-year break from dating for self-analysis and self-love. In that time, realized exactly why I should pursue a relationship (at this point, my goal is long-term commitment/marriage), why it's important to always lead my interactions with men with that purpose, and what boundaries I have to set based on my overall intentions for the relationship. It has taken some TIME, but I also know why it's so important to not share my body with just anyone. I'm too important to just "give" myself to guys who haven't earned me--and they should feel the same way.

Anyhoo, I wanted to share one thing and ask a separate question. Prior to reading your article, I had begun taking the steps you listed in this article (push and pull, mirroring, etc.) with a guy who I pretty much know I have no future with. I have already told him no sex, and despite him asking to be in a relationship (way too soon for me) many times, I have told him that won't happen, as well. His long-term vibes don't feel right to me, but in the moment, he's a blast to hang out with. It's interesting trying some tactics like not returning calls right away, etc. just to help me keep an emotional balance for when it's time to date someone I may eventually be serious with. For the record, your tips absolutely work!

But my question is actually about someone else in my life, and I would love your insight. For the past seven years, I have been great friends with a man I met online (not through a dating site, but through a mutual-interest forum), and we have been close ever since. Right from the beginning, there was a very strong attraction. After 6 months of talking on the phone, I finally met him in person because I wanted to move to his state (about 3 hours south of him), so he met me in that city and we hung out. We didn't end up being intimate until the third time I saw him, which was about 1 year after we met. I've always felt extremely bonded with him, and we have always talked. He is one of the kindest people I know and we have never come close to losing touch. In fact, in 7 years of friendship, I have only seen him in person on five separate occasions, but during the entire time, we have always talked at least once a week, but usually 2-3 times. We have both been in separate relationships and respected those relationships completely. He has never been disrespectful to me in any way, and has honestly been one of the best people I know.

Okay, so here is my question. My friend (he's a Cancer, and I'm a Scorpio, in case that matters) told me a few years back that he felt I might be his soul mate, and I shared the same sentiment. However, since we lived (and still live) about 800 miles apart, and neither of us like or want long-distance relationships, we have just remained the best of friends. We don't talk about relationship potential anymore, and that is okay with me, because I believe if it is supposed to happen, it will (but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder if he could be "the one").

Sitting here reading about (and experiencing firsthand over the years) all the men who disappear/reappear, what do you think would make a man stick around for 7 years with no sex (we haven't been intimate since 2007) and barely any physical contact at all? He is incredibly consistent and has never ignored a call, EVER. He knows I still want/plan to move to his state, but I have to do it when it makes sense for me. He never pushes about it or asks do I still plan to move there. So my question is, do you think he is just a great friend, or do you think a part of him may still want more with me? (I know, after seven years of friendship, why not ask him...but one thing he's not great at is sharing his emotions on-call...lol). What do you think?

p.s. Sorry this post is soooo long!!!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Scorpio,
Well, your story is a prime example of how and why this works. You see, over the course of time (7 years), you've paced this relationship. As a result, he's gotten to know YOU and that's afforded him the ability to form an emotional bond with you. So rather than being driven by his sexual desires, he's now motivated by his emotional ones.

When you pace a relationship like that and the guy sticks around, he's a true gentlemen and he's genuinely interested. He's signaling that he's willing to work on this, that he's serious and that he truly cares. All good things.

The other thing that has happened here, because this has been a paced relationship, is that he respects you. He answers calls, he doesn't play games, etc. He respects you and he's emotionally bonded to you. He's reliable, he's considerate, he's remained interested and he now sees the real you.

I think he's a great friend, a potential lover and a very good prospect for a long term relationship. He's got a lot of good, positive qualities and he's shown them to you and proved himself. If he was romantically attracted before, chances are, after really getting to know you, he's probably even more so attracted now and just doesn't go there - again, out of respect for you. He doesn't want to blow what he has with you, even if it only ever amounts to friendship. In otherwords, he values you.

Yes, he's an excellent long term prospect and I imagine he secretly desires you.

Anonymous said...

hi mirror
anonymous here from 2nd september 12.38pm
i just wanted to ask a bit more advice about my situation with my long distance guy.

He is still just texting me and ive still not seen him since february.
ive pulled back alot and been casual when i respond to him and not been asking to much questions about what the hell is going on between us even though im dying to ask.(do u think i should ask?)

I hear from him every two or three days,but i went on holiday recently and he texted me everyday while i was away,obviously he didnt hear from me for a full week cos i was enjoying my self to much.so a few after i got back i texted him telling him i had a good time and he replied straight away and asking me when did i get back and had a little conversation back and forth and now he has gone back to texting me every three days again.

The other day he said he is going travelling for 3 months in january
I just replied sounds good!
And now he has asked me to come up and visit him before he goes away.

Why do u think he is doing all this? and why does he want to see me when he is going away?
Sometimes i wonder why he actually bothers to keep in touch with me.

Any Advice.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,

Thank you very much for your valuable topics..I'm confused and i need your advice..

I'm cancer and I'm very open minded, very understanding and supportive person. Recently I have noticed that whenever I meet a guy he seems very pushy to be in relationship with me which it is a good thing. However, after a while they withdraw.
The confusion start when they blame me of being obsessed and possessive! although I'm very laid back. Giving an example of my recent relationship with Aries man who ended it last night in very disgusting way ( he was purely into lust with me). We barely communicate because he always saying I'm busy! I used to give him space but he used to txt me saying '' I don’t think you like me enough and you are unpredictable and uncertain blab blah''. So I said to myself ''You like him why not showing him that you care''. So I start to txt him and initiate the conversation or even trying to invite him out to chill and stuff. Strangely, he starts to ignore me and even not to reply until week or so. At the beginning I wrongly assumed he might be genuinely busy, but after 3 months I knew he is only in contact with me when he is hungry for sex and being busy is just an excuse..in and off finally he broke up with me saying I cannot be in committed relationship and I'm not the guy for you because you don’t understand me and you saying that I ignore you. but before you agree that we finish I want to come tomorrow to have sex for the last time!! Of course I refuse to be just a booty call and I said good bye.
What I need to understand here is why when u show that you care about a guy, he accusing you of being annoying and disturbing, and when u genuinely busy they claim that u r not interested and you play games!!

Ms. Scorpio said...

Hi Mirror!

Thank you again for your insight and thank you for breaking it down so amazingly. As I noted, he's not thrilled about sharing his emotions like I am so while he does share how important our relationship/friendship is to him (maybe once a year...lol), it's good to get another perspective.

What's crazy is that I was the POSTER CHILD for the women you describe in your article. I panicked, called too much, and virtually ran away so many men that after running away the last one in 2010, I had to just stop dating altogether and figure out what the hell I was doing wrong!

I couldn't seem to keep a guy around that I dated because I would feel anxious right away if he didn't call regularly and I put pressure on him to see me. At the same time, I couldn't figure out why my Cancer friend always stuck around. He knows all about my life and all that I have done and been through and is STILL THERE (part of my insecurity has always been that a person would get to know the real me then not want to be around me anymore).

I guess the difference is that I have never pressured him, never asked anything of him, and treated our relationship differently. I would never want to place expectations on him. I've always wanted him to live his life free of my anxieties. And, I guess in some way, I didn't want to push into a relationship with him because I wanted to spare him that anxious person until I could figure out how to change that part of myself and learn to be happy without attention from men.

I don't know what the future holds between he and I. I don't hold myself back from dating because I don't know who my future husband is (thought I would be thrilled if he was the person chosen to be my husband). But I definitely am grateful to have a friend like him.

Again, thank you so much for your insight!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 24, 10:07AM,
Hmm, I don't like the sounds of that. The first thing that jumps out at me is . . why is he summoning YOU to come to HIM? A guy who really likes a girl and genuinely has good intentions travels to see her, not the other way around.

No, don't ask him any questions.

He text you everyday when you were on vacation because he was insecure that you were going to meet someone else or hookup and have some fun, so he was putting himself "in your face" there.

After seeing that you were pulling back and standing on your own two feet here, ignoring him and having fun, he's curious again. I don't want to burst your bubble here, but he's kinda striking me as an insecure guy whose out to prove something to himself - and that is, that he can get you to jump when he snaps his fingers.

He felt you pulling away, so now he snaps "come visit me, I'm leaving for 3 months." Hmm, sounds like a booty call to me. Snap, snap, snap "you drive up here, you make yourself available to me, you give me sex before I bolt for 3 months." Nah, I don't like that.

Here's my prediction: If you go, he will use you and then things will return to normal. He knows he's leaving. He knows it's sex and nothing more. And he knows he can use his 3 month absence as an excuse to use you and then disappear.

If you do this, you will come home feeling very bad about yourself and feeling very used. Please consider blowing this off and making up some excuse as to why you cannot go.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 24 10:30AM,
"Whenever I meet a guy he seems very pushy to be in relationship with me which it is a good thing. However, after a while they withdraw."

Careful with that. The ones who come on really strong in the beginning are usually players who bolt, which you've already experienced. Let's be honest here, it takes men a LONG time to connect emotionally with a woman and decide they want to be with her long term. When they start talking like that right away, big red flag. It's way too soon for a man to be thinking like that about a woman. And as fast as they appear, that's the speed with which they disappear.

". . .but before you agree that we finish I want to come tomorrow to have sex for the last time!!"

He must be out of his mind - and a total PLAYER.

"Why when u show that you care about a guy, he accuses you of being annoying and disturbing, and when ur genuinely busy they claim that u r not interested and you play games!!"

Simple. Because THEY prefer to have the UPPER HAND in these situations. The more they can manipulate you, the better for them, the more they get out of the woman, the longer they can string her along (for sex). It benefits THEM to have the upper hand, not the woman. When the woman calls the shots, they have to work harder and men who aren't genuinely interested don't like having to do that just to get laid.

It's "the game" :-(

Which is why women need to stand up for themselves and not permit themselves to be used and get hurt - just so a guy can carve a notch into his bedpost.

Guys like that . . if they give up and bolt, I say good riddens, there's the door.

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I have an update!

I couldn't go through with telling him "have a great week ttys!" because unfortunately I like texting him almost daily, and I read that you shouldn't ignore libras too long (as a libra myself, this applies to me anyway).

Yes, this makes me look a bit available - but I ignore him on the weekends now (since I know he goes out with the other girl every weekend), and plus he is still responding daily, so I figure I can continue to mirror him...and if he takes longer to respond, I'll just follow that.

In the meantime, I *have* distanced myself by being lighthearted and carefree. I feel happier, as I like being more intellectual about love than emotional.

So I noticed that is he replying me in the mornings now, probably before work (he never used to do this). I found that interesting.

He started to ask "How are you?" (he rarely does this; maybe once in a while), and after telling him I've just been checking out things in the city, he continues to ask me, "How is my sweetheart?" - even though I already told him! And again, he asked for some kisses (which I keep dodging).

He can get reassurances from the girl he's dating, why does he keep unloading all this annoying sweet stuff on me? It almost seems desperate! I am clearly not reciprocating and haven't for the past week (maybe he feels I'm slipping away? Perhaps the uncertainty factor is FINALLY starting to kick in for him? *grins*).

I don't think he's exclusive with her yet; it's been only about 2 months. He has the right to talk to multiple women until he's committed (I have male libra friends who are loyal when committed, but before that they do date around). So yeah he's definitely keeping his options open with me on the side because he knows I will move to his city at some point.

Also, I don't think he is able to forget me. I think the fact that he's still sweet-talking me could be partially ego-driven, but also there must be something about her that's not satisfying him (there's a good chance they had sex already). Or do you think that's MY ego talking? ;D

- Vivian (still seeing 2 men, but probably will drop the aries one, lol!)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
Yes, he's noticing that he's no longer able to get you to play into the kissy stuff, and he's feeling a bit uncertain about it, which is why he's continuing to question how you're doing, even after you tell him. Here's the translation of that, "What's going on with you?"

That's what he's really trying to say, without coming right out and saying it hehe.

He's sensing something is up basically. And yes, I imagine the other girl is wearing off already. When it's too much, too soon, that tends to happen with men. And with her being the aggressor early on, that somewhat doubles the speed of that happening. And he's probably not exclusive with her, however, I still imagine SHE thinks they ARE. And I bet he's getting a whiff of that now from her, and he may be pulling back on her already in some subtle ways.

I do think he's a tad desperate in a sense, I feel he may be a bit insecure. Don't know why, my guts telling me that is all.

But he's coming around more now because he's sensing you're pulling back in ways, you're acting different. And when he's asking you how you're doing, what he really wants to know is, "What's going on?"

And I have a creeping suspicion that she's starting to hint about "more" with him. Yep, they've probably had sex. So he's at the "move forward or bail" point with her I bet. And because he wasn't the one pursuing her early on, I have a sneaking suspicion he may bail on her in the very near future. (When a guy isn't the one pursuing you, but giving into you, he WILL eventually bail. Because he wasn't that interested in the first place, he was only curious and willing to give it a try and she made herself readily available so he figured, "What the hell, I'll give it a try." And that's why it's important for a woman NOT to pursue a man. It amounts to "convincing" them to go along with it, but they will bail eventually because their spark and fire wasn't strong for you in the first place.)

Anonymous said...

I definitely appreciate the honesty, but I must say that it is disappointing to know that you have to play constant games to keep a man's attention. Seems like such child's play.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Yes, it is disappointing, isn't it? I agree, very disheartening. However, I always remind myself . . .I don't WANT to be doing this. But alas, they force women to have to resort to this to protect themselves and they do it by feigning indifference, ignoring calls, disappearing on you - all very hurtful things that require putting a game face on to protect yourself, unfortunately.

I never advise doing any of this with ill intention (i.e. to hurt someone). It's meant to bring two people together, not to destroy someone or mess with their head.

Anonymous said...

Im having this kind of problem but it's confusing me now. Me and a scorpio male have been talking non stop everyday and since a month he's changed. We were talking normal and then he beggins to ignore me. He messages one day and then ignores for like a week. He ignored me for 20 days and then what's app'd me 'hey I hate you, I was waiting for you to what's app me but you never did' anyways We talked and it got back to normal. He even called me that night and I did ask him why he just suddenly disappeared to which he said 'I don't know I think we had a fight' I was like no we didn't but okay. after that day he didn't message me again and when I/he did it was very short. The last time we talked was the 24th October he messaged me 'hello :*' to which I said 'hey' one day later. He then checked it when to sleep and replied the next day later that evening 'what's up'. I wanted to look busy so I replied one hour later 'just been REALLY busy wby?' during that hour I kept coming online so basically he knew i was online buy wasn't replying. All he replied to that was 'good'. We haven't talked since then. I've deactivated my facebook and deleted my what's app so he's not able to message me. We never text but yeah. It this a correct move? What shall I do? :/ I'm missing him SOO muchh. Plus he hasn't seen me in real life, I know I should go infront of him but I get SOO nervous at just the thought of it :/ I also want to add he's really popular/respected and rich and so alot of girls obviously as you can imagine throw themseleves at him :/

Anonymous said...

My Taurus ex and I broke up after a year and six months, he mentioned being in a terrible position and needed to focus on his life and also that I deserved better and wanted to fall back from us. Since then after being hurt, I have decided to distance myself and refrain from contacting him. The following day he contacted me, saying hello and I did not respond for about 2 days until the third day and when I did, he responded back telling me that he loved me and thereafter, he has been making conversation and I have tried to keep my conversation short and to the point and thereafter, he mentioned that I have been really short with him for about a week now, i have apologized for being that way and have since sent a text message explaining that it is not that I am being distant it that I wanted to give him space and focus on the things going on in my life, since then I have not gotten a response back, help what should I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 26 1:42PM,
Well, I think part of the problem here is that he is wealthy, good looking and popular - and he's used to GIRLS chasing HIM. Not good.

And it's not good because chances are, he'd make a really crappy boyfriend or husband. He'd need a woman who would be willing to give up all her hopes and dreams to revolve her entire life around him. It'd always be about HIM, never you.

Additionally, he's acting childish because of it. When he doesn't get the attention that he's used to getting or that he feels he deserves, he's acting like a brat. He's disappearing, making up lies about a fight to cover his tracks, saying he hates you, and he's playing games with your head. Not good.

Chances are, if you gave into this one. He'd use you (sleep with you) and then disappear for good. I bet he's got a long, long track record of doing so with women. So to be honest, I'm not sure I'd waste any time trying to get in front of this one. Besides, who wants to compete with lots of other women - for a selfish turd?

He sounds mean spirited, childish, selfish and arrogant. You may want to rethink this one. He's not as valuable as he portrays himself to be and I highly doubt he would ever be able to care for someone else as much as he cares for himself.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous w/Taurus Ex,
What should you do? Nothing. Nothing at all. He asked for space so you give him what he's asked for - space.

If he truly cares for you, he will start to miss you. And when he does, he will begin to value you. So you wait to see if HE misses YOU and if HE comes to seek YOU out. You don't chase him or he'll only send you away, hurt and angry. Don't give him the opportunity to do that.

You know what I'd do? I'd start dating other men, casually. I'd start going out and exploring my options. HE cut YOU loose, so there's no wrong in doing so. And you don't want him to think you're at home, sobbing, sitting by the phone waiting for him to contact you. He cut you loose, so you give him what he's asked for ;-)

air_in said...

Hello! I would love to get some advice on my current situation.

I have been dating someone for just under 2 months. At first, he initiated almost all contact, then after a few weeks I started to text him as well to hang out. We text about every other day (I would say we initiate equally), and see each other 3 times a week or so. I am always light and flirty with my texts and interactions, never revealing any heavy emotions. We are young; he is 24 and I am 23.

The good signs: He introduced me to all of his friends, who I got along with well (he even told me his friends liked me a lot). We spend about an equal amount of time at each other’s houses. He will come to my apartment during the week, to cook me dinner/watch a movie. He tells me what's going on in his life, and asks me questions about my work. He is nice to my roommate and asks her questions too. On weekends I sometimes stay over at his house, and we usually get breakfast in the morning.

I also have seen some red flags: He was quite eager to get physical quickly, and we had sex after 3 weeks (I usually wait 4-6 weeks). He seems to have partied quite a bit in college (drinking and smoking marijuana). He also sometimes makes rude comments about not liking some of his friends’ girlfriends.

My concern is the following: on Friday, we didn't speak all day, which was fine. I went out with my girlfriends that night. He texted me around midnight and asked me to come to his house later that night, saying he would pay for my cab to his house. I responded with a joke about something unrelated and didn't even acknowledge the booty call attempt, and absolutely did NOT go to his house that night.

I was bothered by this “booty call” (when he texts me, it is always at reasonable hours during the day).

I now have not seen him in about 5 days, though he did text me yesterday. He told me was very busy this weekend studying (he is in law school).

Should I be concerned about not seeing him at all this weekend? My fear is that I was too accommodating and made myself too available to spend time with him at first, and now he is pulling away.

My plan now is to not contact him, and let him set up a night (in advance) to see me. Is that a good idea?

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the late reply! Haven't been able to get on here ever since the last time I read your response. But I agree .. this guy REALLY is something else and having me do all the work is down right selfish of him. I did reply back to his little "request" and told him that I refused to suck in his emotional problems as my own and that he needs to fix himself before anything else. He wrote back saying

"Hi, what are you doing tonight. I rather talk to you in person. Movie at Marcus? Late dinner?"

So how do I respond to this? Should I give him a chance to explain himself before making a final decision? Lmk

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct.. 28 7:52PM,
Well, this is why it's important for a woman to set the pace of the relationship from day one. Because whatever pattern is set early on, it's the pattern that will be expected to stick throughout the duration of the relationship.

If you made it easy upfront and now you want him to put a bit more effort in, I'm not sure he'll do that. He may bolt - but he'll return, no worries.

Yes, you should pull back and let him come to you. Also, in a book titled, "All The Rules" they advise that if a man doesn't make weekend plans with you by Wednesday - you've already made plans for the weekend and you're unavailable to him. This sets the pattern with a man that you're time is valuable, others demand your time as well and he needs to step up to the plate well in advance to receive some of your time. If you make yourself available for last minute dates with a man, that's how he'll expect you to be available to him all the time.

And realize that doing this, he may pull back and get funky on you. That's ok. Let him. Let him work it out and get with the program. If he doesn't and he disappears for good, he wasn't that interested in the first place so it's best to let him flake out and go it alone on his own.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 28, 11:31PM,
Well, ultimately that's up to you and whether you think he's worth it or not.

Notice how when you threw his problems back onto him he suddenly got with the program? See here's the thing, men KNOW when they're behaving badly and making ridiculous requests of women. But they do it anyway and they EXPECT you to put them in their place. If you don't and you accept the poor treatment, then that's what they dish out to you, along with tons of disrespect. It's their way of testing whether you respect yourself or not.

So basically, you standing up for yourself and calling him on his ridiculousness got a request for a date from him. Had you been passive and said, "Ok, I'll do that for you" I guarantee you he would've jagged you off somehow and played games. But when you stood up, so did he.

So yea, go on the date. But when you're there, game face on girl. Don't take any BS from him, don't let him guilt you and don't let him manipulate you or throw his issues at you, as if they're yours to deal with while he sits back and does nothing.

Go and hear him out. If he's being ridiculous, you remain kind and calm. Look him straight in the eyes and say something like, "I really hope you do get these issues worked out someday and I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you there. I wish you the best. Call me when you're well."

And you hug him and you leave. Let that sink in with him. Don't take any of that on yourself. If he's suddenly got with the program, then enjoy your evening. Regardless, do NOT let him manipulate you, guilt you or throw his issues on your lap. If he does that, you remind him kindly that they're his issues, it's out of your control, you wish him well - and then you walk.

He'll be ringing your phone within two weeks.

Anonymous said...

I have been seeing a Virgo man for 9 months.... We see each other 1x/ weeke always expects me to make myself available for him and his schedule. Often when we have something planned he will cancel
I told him that it is obvious that I am at the bottom of his priority list.
I told him that I need time to process and to not see anyone romantically for awhile.
I miss him.. Even though I know I have not been a priority to him the time that we did spend together was fun, we share a lot of commmon bonds can talk about life and work etc and he makes me laugh...
I have not heard from him since I left him the last text message...
I guess I should just move on... per the quote "never make anyone a priority who considers you an option"

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror, I think you may be right about the other girl wearing off. I'm not too sure, but I'd love to hear what you think about what happened recently:

So, I cut off the sweet talk with the guy since 2 weeks ago. About a week or so later, he finally catches on and stops being all kissy kissy sweet.

I did not reveal any personal thoughts/feelings on why I have changed my behavior (like not being sweet, and taking longer to respond). There's a good chance he suspects I'm seeing someone else, and/or lost interest in him.

I wanted to bring it back to carefree flirting territory, so we ended up talking about the shirt I lost in his city. He offered to let me borrow his and I said he wasn't getting it back, though. He then said - he'll have to keep me there with him. I followed up saying that it'll take *more* than just a shirt to keep me there.

It was meant to be playful, and not in a challenging prove-yourself-to-me way. But he may have taken it seriously, because he hasn't responded my text in 3 days, since I sent the text on Friday. The longest he has gone without texting me was 2 days.

I knew based on the girl's Facebook that they had coordinating halloween outfits, so I thought they'd be having a fun time over the weekend.

However, she has not posted one single update about him or halloween. She only posted about hanging with her gf, and making dinner with her roommate on Saturday.

Then on Sunday when I expected them to be going out (she has posted where they ate every single weekend since beginning of September), she only posted a picture of her lunch.

This is extremely strange. It seems something is off between them, based on what I can observe on her Facebook/Twitter.

He still facebook liked her Saturday post, though.

If things are indeed cooling with her as you suspected, why is he ignoring me as well?!

My first thoughts are, he thinks I am seeing someone else now... and I just made a comment that sounded like I wanted him to prove himself to still "keep" me interested. And he is not up to it, thinking I'm too much effort.

Of course if this is true and he doesn't feel I'm worth the effort now that I'm not ego-stroking him, that's a positive thing.

I'm definitely NOT initiating any texts and will let him come to me, so don't worry. ;D

But I'm just a tad worried I may have driven him away with my lack of interest in being carefree and rejecting his requests for kisses/cuddles.

I missed him all weekend, sigh.

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Okay thanks hun. Will be back with updates. :)

Anonymous said...

Just a short update to my previous post...

Perhaps they haven't cooled as much as I thought. He commented on one of her Facebook posts about 30 mins ago (most of the time he just *likes* them).

Yet he still hasn't texted me back.

Trying not to let it get to me, but god it makes me mad he hasn't bothered to respond and does not seem the least bit affected by me pulling back.

Do you think I went too far in being distant (being too carefree, not telling him why I changed, rejecting his sweetness)?

I feel like I almost made things worse with all this game playing. :-/

Thank goodness I have a date lined up this weekend, but I'm still thinking about him. Argh.

- Vivian

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
You can't make things worse that you have no control over. Nothing you do is going to have any affect on their relationship and you can't lose something you never had. And all this ever really was was a flirtatious thing. It wasn't a real relationship and he wasn't letting you in in a genuine manner that would've built a real relationship. He was keeping you at arms length as a flirtatious ego boost.

These aren't meant to be games. These tactics are meant to do one of two things. Either 1.) bring two people closer together or 2.) suss out men who aren't genuinely interested. If the latter is the outcome, that's a good thing. Because a guy like that will sleep with you anyway and then disappear eventually anyhow, which hurts even more.

I don't see a thing wrong with the text you sent and I'm actually a bit confused as to why you're expecting a response to it. It wasn't a question that needed a response, it was simply a statement. No response is necessary.

I think you're reacting in an emotional way with fear, anxiety and worry now taking control. I also think you have expectations. Like a response and some sort of affect on their relationship, which isn't a reasonable expectation. 1.) The text doesn't need a response and 2.) nothing you do is going to have an affect on their relationship. Men will always pull back and seek space in these situations. No man can keep up constant contact and give two women all the attention they feel they deserve for extended periods of time. It overwhelms them, they feel smothered, they feel pressured and they pull back to take a breather. It's completely normal, and healthy.

Cont . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Rather than letting fearful emotions take control why not consider the other things that may be happening right now in his world? Whose to say he's not considering what you've said and taking space to think about it? Whose to say that they didn't have a big blowout this weekend and he's wrapped up in that little drama right now? Whose to say that he's even aware that you're expecting a response to a text that was simply a statement?

I think you should stop following their relationship online. It's not healthy and it won't have any affect either way. It's wasted energy and it's keeping you from letting yourself get involved with other men who are genuinely interested in you. It's also creating wandering thoughts and emotional responses such as fear, anxiety and worry, all of which are unnecessary.

And why would you tell a man why your behavior has changed? That's the kiss of death. That's emotional behavior that sends men running. If he's looking at this like some harmless flirtation and you start talking emotions with him about why you're doing this or that, he's gonna' bolt because he's going to immediately know that you have expectations here, when he may not and this is only a fun, flirtatious thing for him. And you're not rejecting his sweetness, you're rejecting him treating you as a sexual object. If he were being real with you and being sweet, then ok. But he's not being real with you, he's not letting you in and he's involved with someone else right now, so to him, this is flirtatious only, which is why he's only using kissy talk with you. Which isn't actually sweet, it's actually sexual in nature when a guy focuses on flirtations only and not anything real in addition to that. If a guy only wants to talk kissy talk with a woman to bolster his ego and he won't get real with her, that's actually a big red flag that he wants nothing but "kissy" stuff (i.e. casual sex and a flirtatious situation).

You can't expect anything from him and letting emotions like fear, anxiety and worry takeover is where women go wrong. And if you suss him out as a man who isn't genuinely interested, then be thankful that it happened sooner, rather than later, when real damage could've been done.

Anonymous said...

I met a capricorn man on a matrimonial website so both of us know we are there to find our life parter. I am a taurus woman. He is 40 and I am 39. We hit off well and met 2times initially. He has a good sense of humour. 3rd date he kissed me and hugged me and we made out a little in his car. He kept hinting that he would like to have sex but I said no hurry. He knows I am a virgin and I want to wait. 4th date we did the same and then he disappeared for 2 weeks. I also didnt reach out. I texted him after 2 weeks and he said that he thought I was not interested. I told him i thought the same. We started texting each other again. Last night he texted saying he wants to have sex with me. He says it is a need and he doesn't want to date one and date another for the need. I told him I don't want to have sex. I stopped texting him. I don't understand how to react. Is he serious about me or wants to have only sex with me? He told me he likes me and finds me very pretty but I don't understand. He is very sweet when he is with me. Pls help me understand this situation and let me know how to handle. Thanks

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirro of Aphrodite

Thanks for your reply (Oct11, 5.53pm). I didnt see the reply and posted another query with the same problem. I have an update. After two weeks, we connected on text again(that is last week). I initiated to see how is doing. He replied immediately saying I disappeared. Which is news to me. He was the one who disappeared. I told him the same and he said he disappeared because he thought I was not interested. I told him I felt the same. He called me that night (first time we spoke on the phone). Chatted for some time. I was surprised and thought he really liked me. We exchanged few texts every 2 days mostly on how the day was. He said he has a busy schedule. I told him I too have a hectic schedule. Last night we exchanged texts and he brought in the sex topic again. I asked him why do you want to do that. I mean we met just 4 times in the last 2 months. He asked me why don't I want to do. I told him he has to answer because i asked him first. He says it is a part of dating and he likes me. I told him I like him tood but it is not necessary to have sex while dating. He texted saying sex is a need and he doesn't want to date one and find another for the need. I told him then definitely i am not the one for him. This happened last night and I haven't received any text from him till now. He is very active on the site. All the while when he said he had a super busy schedule he was on the site. Now I am sure he is a player. Am I over reacting? Should I text him next week to ask whether is it only for sex he was dating me? It is so exhausting thinking about this capricorn man. Beign a taurus I tend to think a lot. I thought he was the one for me. I am disappointed. Pls advise. thanks

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror of Aphrodite (your response on 11th Oct,5.53pm)

Cont..

He knows I have an active life. I run marathons and am busy with my own schedules. He admires me for that. The two weeks he disappeared, I ran a marathon in an other country. So when he called me that day he was appreciative of that. Yesterday I texted him to find out where I can learn swimming and he replied immediately with suggestion. That way he is sweet. He has been in this city for 20 years and i am very new to town so I had asked him. So when I see his behaviour he is sweet most of the time but looks like dating means only sex for him! Are all Capricorn men behave like this? I read some where Taurus and Capricorn is a compatible match. So much for astrology!! Sorry for ranting and raving but I am at a loss on how to react.

Anonymous said...

I looove this blog!! Ive sent it around to all my blokes and I know why women keep posting, about their no-good laddies DESPITE the fact that you have the article all written out. We need assurance, IN OUR PARTICULAR SITUATION that we need you to speak to Mirror so THANKYOUU ALL THE WAY FROM LONDON!!!!!!

My question!! Met this guy in town on business, lives in Paris but was in London for a week. He wasn't my type at first. He made it clear i'm wayy beyond his level. But he won me over. How?? Constant communication, aggressor, pursuer, phone calls, great conversation. Had 1 date the week we met, then a couple dates when he got back to town to close some deals yada yada.

Long story short, our last date we got hot and heavy and told him that I wasn't out to sleeping with just anyone that I was waiting for someone special and that we should take it slow. He backed off and was very respectful. Withdrew for a couple of minutes and then was back to his normal affectionate, attentive self. Told me he sees that, really likes me, has feelings for me.

Since then, nothing. Its been 3 weeks. I NEVER initiated contact, from first meetup to this first round of withdrawal and neither have I called/texted to check in. I know, I know you've said, its too soon to tell.

I also know all systems/indicators say he just wanted into my knickers, but what gives?? It drives me INSANE to no end. Should I wait this bloke out? Never had chemistry like this EVER!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 30 5:58PM,
No there's no need to text him to ask him if he's after you for sex. First of all, he'd never tell the truth, so the question becomes mute. Second, he's already made that very clear. It is definitely about the sex. And for him to say it's a "need" blah, blah, blah. That's a bunch of BS. It isn't like a man is going to die if he doesn't have sex for a month or two. And if he really liked you, that's what he'd do.

He's clearly trolling the Internet for sex.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous From London,
So glad your enjoying the blog! Hmm, I hate it when men behave like this. Makes a perfect gentlemen appear to be a scumbug, literally overnight. It's like they're their own worst enemies.

I suspect that when you stated you weren't going to have sex with just anyone, he sensed "relationship" and bolted. No worries, there's a 98% chance he'll return, LOL.

Here's the deal. If you contact him, he'll respond. He'll immediately strike up all the affections and attention again. You'll be taken this time, thinking he genuinely likes you, sleep with him, and he'll disappear again. So your choice is to contact him and strike this up but do NOT sleep with him until you're ready or simply wait him out to see if he's genuine or not.

Personally, I prefer to wait them out (humbles them a bit, less ego to deal with). Because if you contact him, his ego is immediately going to assume you want him and he'll fast track you into the bedroom most likely.

Since it's been 3 weeks. . .it could be a month or two before you hear from him. I've noticed men disappear and then reappear at either the two week, one month, two month, three month or six month time frame. With most occurring in the first month or so.

So the choice is really yours, but if it were me, I'd wait him out. That's the way to tell if he really does care.

Saggi said...

Dear Mirror,

Thank you so much for your wonderful website and wisdom. I have learnt so much from you and, unfortunately, realised that I made a lot of mistakes, which has left me in the situation that I'm in today. I'm hoping that you can apply some of your wonderful insight to my situation (I'm a Sagittarius, he’s a Gemini).

I met someone on an online dating site about three to four weeks ago. He was very masculine, charming, and a military helicopter pilot. We started chatting online, and he told me how gorgeous I was and how impressed he was that I was doing a PhD. He was 29, I am 33. He told me it took him a lot of courage to contact me. We ended up chatting online every night, and during that week he told me that he really liked me, and was not talking to anyone else because he was a one woman type guy. To provide a bit of context, during this online chatting he also revealed that he had been single for three years (his ex had walked out on him), and that he didn't/couldn't do casual sex because he needed to feel something for the partner, and as such, had only had sex four times in the time he had been single (got drunk and had sex with female friends). In his profile he also made mention that he didn't want 'cheaters' as he was over them.

So he continued charming me. He had asked for my phone number. He rang me and we talked on the phone for 2 to 3 hours for two nights the first week. On the Monday he asked if I would like to go on date with him - dinner and a movie - on the weekend. I said yes. Leading up to this date, he told me how excited he was to meet me and that he couldn’t wait. He would text me every day, send me photos of himself in his uniform, photos of the view from the helicopter, and one day he even flew the helicopter past my house, telling the other crew members that ‘this girl was worth it.’ He even made mention that he needed a 'missus' and for me to hurry up and put my application in. So as you can see, I thought he was a gentleman, and got swept up in the hope and excitement of it all.

The night of the date, on the Saturday we met up and had dinner and saw a movie. He complimented on me on how ‘gorgeous’ I looked, and as I’d had a couple of drinks, offered to get a taxi for me so that I could get home. At the end of the night he walked me to my car, and asked me if I would like to see him again. I said yes, and he gave me a brief kiss on the lips. After the date he texted me telling me he had a great time and that I was gorgeous. I’m thinking – what a gentleman! Although he did text me and say ‘I would have invited you back to my place, but he had a friend staying there.’

I knew the next week that he had some really long day/nights happening for his job, so while he stilled texted me every day, there were no phone calls and no mention of another date. Monday to Friday went by, and on the Friday, he had an early mark and texted me had got home. I was still mirroring him at this point. He still had not mentioned another date, and then I was shocked when I saw that he was back and had logged on to the online dating site that night. I tried talking to him on there but he ignored me. I was really upset at this point. I texted him, saying, “Hi. I saw that you were online but you ignored me. I’m a little confused. Are you still interested in seeing me?” He texted back, apologising, saying he hadn’t been in front of the screen, and that ‘God yes I’m interested.’ So I took him for his word. I still kept mirroring him though. On the Sat night, he asked if I wanted to come over and ‘stay the night’, I told him yes, but I probably wouldn’t stay the night. However, it didn’t eventuate because he ended up having his son that night.

Continued....

Saggi said...

Continued...

On the Monday night, he texted me, saying, ‘I’m really looking forward to seeing you again.’ My mistake, I texted him back, saying ‘Me too. How about we meet up tomorrow night?’ So I met up at his place on the Tuesday night, late (he didn’t get back from work until 10pm, although he had originally told me 9ish) and we sat on the couch and talked. He told me how he had told all his friends about me, how they couldn’t believe he had attracted someone who’s doing a PhD, and asked me to be his date for a work function that Friday. Stupidly, I had had too much wine, and we started making out. He offered to get me a cab, or sleep on the couch, but I told him, no I trusted him. Well, I ended up sleeping with him.

Over the next few days he still texted me regularly, but they had started to lessen, and he was on the online dating site more and more, and had not mentioned again this work function that he had invited me to go with him on the Tuesday night. By Friday I’m going mad, so I text him, trying to play it cool, and say ‘I’m just trying to organise my weekend. Are we catching up at all?’ He replies that he had his son that weekend, and said ‘How about Sunday night if you’re keen?’ I replied, ‘Great. Will book it in. What should we do?’ And I reply or text me back. On the Sunday morning, around 3am he messaged via Facebook with a random ‘go to bed’ and I messaged him back that day, with a simple, ‘you were up late.’ He told me that he had the flu. I replied with ‘So I assume we’re not meeting up tonight then?’ And replied back with something like ‘No sorry, it sucks, I’m sick as a dog.’ The next day, he hadn’t sent his usual morning text, so in the afternoon I caved, and texted him with ‘I hope you’re feeling better’. Gave me a short text back, ‘Hey laid up in sick as a dog.’ I sent him another joking text about manful, and he responded again with another short text. I send him a ‘Oh you must be pretty sick then’ and that’s the last I heard from him. This was on Tuesday (two days ago). Since then he’s been on the online dating site constantly, and on Facebook, posting, liking status updates, and generally having a great old time.

So, what I’m trying to understand his, what happened? Did I just get played? Was he genuinely interested, but lost interest after our first date or did I screw it up by sleeping with him on the second date? What should I do? Do you think he will get in contact with me again, or should I just move on? I’m really upset and hurt by this guy, because I genuinely believed he liked me, but admit I had started to get mixed signals from him after our first date. Is there any way to get him interested again? Thanking you in advance.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror of Aphrodite ,

Thanks for the reply (Oct 31,2012, 9.14am). I am so glad i found this site. It is like discussing with a girl friend with out bothering about being judged :) I get your point. I am disappointed but I know i am lucky and saved myself from heartbreak. He is still connected to me on that site. Should I decline and take him off my list?

Anonymous said...

cont... to Mirror reply on Oct31 at 9.14am

When deleting him from the list, should i send an email on why i am doing this? Because when I remove him from the list, he will be notified by the site. It is a small world and we are in the same field so I am wondering should i let him be there in my connections list or delete and drop a good luck note. Thanks

Anonymous said...

@Mirror...Anon/London here!

Thankyouuu so much for your attention and for personally reflecting on my issue.
Last Q...
I know! You've said it! But I want that extra expert assurance to my SPECIFIC situation.

When he does call/text...mirror exactly? 3 weeks/1 month to respond?

And yes I will make sure to keep it light/fun/carefree/emotion-less.

London Loves You!!

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I gave it some more thought, and I think it's a lot more complex than just him treating me as a flirtatious ego boost.

Looking back, I treated HIM as a flirtatious ego boost. I kept HIM at arm's length by not sharing much of myself. I did want to get to know him, but it was mostly shallow interest (I like the way he dresses, I like his appearance). I miss his body and his kisses. I liked the romantic passion, and tried to make it more meaningful.

But I'm running high on lust. And the fact that I feel like I need to WIN at all costs and constantly feel the need to manipulate him/the situation, probably points to just how much I don't care about him as a person.

I'm in no way justifying that it's OK he acts this way with me (not being real with me, being all kissy, seeing another women while sweet talking me), but I need to take some responsibility for creating this situation with him in the first place.

I was emotionally unavailable to begin with, and naturally attracted (and felt comfortable with) other emotionally unavailable men.

I think that sometimes it's less about the men who do these disappearing acts, but more about ... what it is about the woman who's attracting these types of men to begin with? Perhaps they enjoy the drama. Perhaps they fear emotional intimacy. For me, it's a bit of both.

After my last relationship, I felt thoroughly exhausted and scared of getting into another one. It was just SO much work. Emotionally unavailable men feel safer, as I can bolt any minute. Until I fix this part of me, I'll keep attracting the same type of men.

To address a few of your points:

- Thanks for the reminder that I have no effect on their relationship. I checked her status today, and it's the first time they spent a weekday together. I immediately felt a bit sad because it seems like they are getting closer now that he has stopped talking to me. I know this is unhealthy; I will stop this behavior.

- The text I sent was a statement, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a response. I always respond to his statements, and so does he. He could have taken it in many directions. He could have asked, "Like what?" (in reference to what he'd need to keep me there). Or simply ignore it and say something else.

- "Whose to say he's not considering what you've said and taking space to think about it?" : Right, this is possible. I think what's likely is that he'll see how things go with her, and when it hits a rough patch, he might come back and see where I'm at. I don't think he'd let me go forever, considering the intense attraction between us.

In another comment you mentioned they usually reappear 2 weeks, 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, or in 6 months.

I had an ex resurface lately after EXACTLY 2 months. He came back all chirpy in an e-mail as if nothing had happened and he didn't even notice 2 months had passed. This is completely baffling!

Anyways, I hope this one comes back and reach out. I already deleted ALL traces of his number, so I couldn't text him even if I wanted to. ;-D In the meantime - I will move on, and date more.

Thank you so much for letting me air out what I felt and telling me the hard-hitting reality of my situation. You've been really helpful!

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror
would u be able to give me some advice please.
I was seeing this guy a few months ago everything seemed going well and then he pulled back and started making excuses why he couldent see me,but i would get him ringing me saying about future plans that he wanted to do with me.

He has stopped ringing and now just seems to text,but his texting habits are driving me crazy.
he gets a lot of jokes texts that he obviously gets from his mates and he always seems to forward on to me, i dont mind because some of them are funny.
But i dont know whether he uses them to get out of conversations.

For example a week on sunday it was late and we were texting back and forwards all night and i just asked him a question but he didnt reply and it was late and i presumed he fallen asleep.
But he still didnt reply monday or tuesday but on wednesday night i get a joke message but i never reply to them coz i dont know what to say, but he is still not talking to me properly on thursday and friday, and on saturday i caved in and texted him "how is your day going?" and he replies back normally and asks how mine is and i answer him.

That was on saturday and now i havent heard from him again and knowing my luck i will get another joke message this week, and it makes me want to text him again.

i dont know why he does this and he does it all the time.

how can i change this all round and why do u think he is doing this?

Any thoughts?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Saggi,
Regretfully, I think you may have been a victim of the "fast track to the bedroom" game. You see, when a man comes on strong, many women get all caught up in it but the reality is - it's a big red flag. It takes men a long time to bond with a woman so when one starts all that kinda talk early on in the game, it can't possibly be the truth. I'm sorry :-(

This can be compared to the old "sweep her off her feet" method of getting laid. Don't get me wrong, it's not that he doesn't like you, I'm sure he does. It's just that he said what he had to say to get you to do the deed, but as far as having a relationship with you, that's another story - to men, sex and relationships are two entirely different things. They have sex with many women and relationships with only a few. And when you started contacting him, questioning him, he saw "relationship" warning signs and pulled back.

He likes you. He's just probably not sure he wants a relationship with you at this point is all. The best thing to do here is to cease contacting him, hold off a while on replying to any contact from him - and play it cool. If he senses you're acting out emotionally (questions, worry, etc.) he'll disappear.

Let him come to you. And if he doesn't lesson learned is all. (That's why it's important not to have sex with a guy for a long time. So he has enough time to begin liking you as a person instead of just viewing you as a conquest.)

He'll be back, sit tight. And when he returns, read this article again and do what it says - don't jump, be cool.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 31 1:59PM,
No, don't do anything. If you do that, it's an emotional reaction. He'll see it as such. Don't act emotional, act like you could care less (i.e do nothing).

And if/when he starts contacting you again, practice the advice in this article on him. Even if he isn't the one, he can be the one to practice on, LOL ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@London Calling,
So very cool to see that this blog is welcomed internationally, so thank you for that. You see ladies, men are all the same, regardless of culture, ethnicity, geographical location - all the same, their language is universal LOL.

When it's someone who appears after a month or more, I generally don't wait an equal length of time to respond. Because when they come back, gotcha! I'm now going to take control and set the pace. You're going to be scratching your head over me, not the other way around, and I'm going to take control, this is going to go my way from now on.

So I'll wait about two to three days and then begin. They usually respond immediately upon hearing from you a couple days later, at which point, you can then begin pacing the communication. Meaning, you'll get an immediate response (most times), but take an hour or two to respond to that (At this point, he thinks he's got you on the line - wrong! Suddenly, YOU'RE not available. He'll think, "Where did she go?"). Then you may get another response after that. This time, you take about 20 minutes to respond (He'll be like, "Oh, she's back"). If he responds to that, you wait and respond the next day (At this point, he'll be like, "What the heck?").

Get what I'm doing there?

Shaking things up, being unpredictable. When he expects an immediate response, take longer. When he expects you to take longer, respond timely. Then when he thinks you'll respond timely, respond the next day.

Notice all the questions that'll be running through his head? That'll get him thinking and wondering what the heck is going on - which is perfect. Why? Because HE'S now thinking about YOU ;-)

Shake it up girls, keep em on their toes, don't become predictable. That's really what it's all about and that's really how you get them to notice you and keep their attention.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Good luck, Vivian! I hope it all works out for you!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct. 31 4:59PM.
"How can i change this all round and why do u think he is doing this? Any thoughts?"

Do what the article suggests and mirror his behavior. Start sending him joke texts that have nothing to do with anything. If he asks you a question, ignore it. The next day, send a joke text. If he questions that, ignore the question, don't respond and 3 days later, send another joke, LOL.

After a while, he'll catch on that you're no dummy and he'll stop with the shenanigans and get real.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Mirror @Oct31,2012 5.19pm

LOL sounds good. I know how to ignore a person ;) I always thought i am a rational person but realised now how much time i spent agonizing over this guy. Thanks a ton for the advice. I love this blog.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Mirror @Oct31,2012, 7:06pm

Why does a man ask you "did you do what we did with anyone else before"?? This was asked after we kissed and hugged and no sex. btw, this was asked by the Capricorn man also who turned out to be a player. He asked me this after we kissed. Why do they do it? What am i supposed to say when someone asks it too early in dating?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
That's a stupid question if it's being asked to a grown woman. Of course everyone has most likely kissed or hugged someone before.

These are "test" questions. Men push boundaries and they'll go as far as a woman will let them. You can handle these questions several different ways:

1.) Turn it around on them and make them feel silly for asking or prying by saying, "That's a bit personal, don't you think?"
2.) You can answer the question with a question, "Why do you ask? Have you?"
3.) You can play coy (which is usually the best) by saying something like, "We really don't know each other that well. How about you ask me that question after a couple more dates?"

Regardless of how you respond, never tell the truth. I know, I know. It's not good to lie, I get it. But the reality is - it's none of their business either. They're testing your boundaries. If you answer yes, you're "easy." If you answer no, you're "a lot of work." If you stumble, you're "guilty."

In otherwords, they're loaded questions. If you provide honest answers, they'll turn around and shoot you with them. (i.e. use your answer to determine their next move.)

You keep them in the dark.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Mirror@November1, 2012, 2:34pm

hmmm dating a man is so complex!! Thanks for the response. I fell in love with this blog :)

Anonymous said...

@ Mirror...'London Calling' here.

ALL.POINTS.TAKEN!

I hear you, I understand, I will do!
BUT...here's a question.

Can you please differentiate for us ladies in-the-process-of-enlightenment, what situations call for mirroring?

I see the wisdom of what you say ["if the French laddie stays away a month, and calls, call him back in 3 days and wrest back control by being unpredictable, opposite of what he expects"]

BUT!!
Why not mirror him exactly and put him through what he's put me/us-ladies through? Will he lose interest? I doubt it since as you state over and over, he's wondering where you are, who you're with, what you're doing, why you're gone.

Won't the time spent in silence make him reconsider his actions and the possibility of him having possibly blown a great opportunity?

All in all, what I would like clarification with is,
- when to mirror
- when not to mirror
- when to be unpredictable
- when not to be...and by doing so create an environment of stability thus allowing him to bond further, then yank the rug by being unpredictable once again.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror:

I’ve written bits of information here and there about this dating relationship, but wanted to put it all together because I’m very confused. I met a guy online and we dated for about a month continuously. We are both in our 40’s.

He was very smitten with me and called every night and texted throughout the day with me the first month. We saw each other 2 times, at least, every week. He told his grown kids and his friends about me. He complimented me in every way and said that he was very attracted to me. We both took our profiles off the dating site. (I just wanted to; he told me that he couldn’t find me anymore and then he took his off, too.)

After not hearing from him for 3 days one time –I did the wrong thing, I know – and jumped the gun and wrote an email kind of saying goodbye, as I thought it was over. (I hadn’t heard from him and I just figured it was over.) We didn’t have sex, but things were heating things up on the last date that we saw each other and we began to talk about what we would do in the bedroom together as we kissed each other.

So… he texted, called and also emailed 2 hours after I sent that letter and said that we needed to talk. (I couldn’t talk or respond to him at that moment and I guess that’s why he did all three communication things.) I texted him when I could and said that I would call him later that night. So I did…

When I called, he said he didn’t feel good about what I wrote and wanted to know what was going on. I told him that I thought he was ending it because I hadn’t heard from him so I was just kind of saying my side of the story, as well as thanking him for the dates. (He mentioned that I left him frustrated to the point that it “hurt” and I thought maybe that’s why he didn’t call.) He said that I also called him names, but all I said is that he can be kind a “crabby” and sometimes I don’t know how to deal with his mood.

I thought that we would talk this through, but he was a bit offended by what I wrote and said he wanted to have some space to think. So, I said ok. (Then, I found this site and realized probably nothing was wrong… it was just a test. Geez, I failed it big time!)

Anonymous said...

continued...Two weeks went by and he called me. We talked for about an hour and he didn’t ask me out. So, I just said at that end of the conversation, “Hey maybe we can get some coffee Friday?” He said, “Yeah, maybe. Can I call you about it later?” I thought about it afterwards and regretted even asking. Then, I remembered that I had plans on that Friday anyway, so I texted him and said that I would really love to some other time, but I forgot about this appointment on Friday that I had. Well, I didn’t hear back…

Two more weeks later he texts me, “Hey how are you?” We text back and forth for a few minutes and then he mentions that he wishes we were in the park together again. I said, “What does that mean?” (Well, the last date we had, we were in the park making out a bit, so I knew what it meant, but I just acted like I didn’t.) He said it needed no explanation… I said, “Well, who knows what it means since so much time has passed…” Then I mentioned that we should be having this conversation face to face and then I just cut him off because I was getting miffed that he didn’t just pick up the phone and call me. He said, “Ok good -night, then.” A few minutes passed and I thought about our text conversation and I just got even more bold and miffed and decided to text him back and said, “What is it you really want from me?” He says, “Nothing… just thinking about you.” I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything and he finally picks up the phone and calls and then we agree to meet for coffee the day after and talk.

We meet for coffee; coffee turns into dinner. We talk about the miscommunication that happened, the good times we had, too. He said he thought I was blowing him off on not wanting to meet for coffee the other day. I told him - No, I really had an appointment, I just forgot about it. The talk then turns to sex and he feels that I am always getting him aroused and not doing anything about it. I told him that I needed a commitment before sex and he said that he valued his freedom. I said I understood, but I’ve been burned - I’m not asking for marriage, but I don’t want a hook up either. Then, we took a walk in the park and did a bit of making out and left each other, after being together about 10 hours. (No sex, btw, which probably disappointed him again…)

He calls every day, thereafter, for about five days. I made sure this time not to always be available and took longer to answer texts. (One time, I didn’t answer his call, but called him back about 3 hours later.) Then, poof, he disappears. The only thing I can think of is that I kind of hesitated when he asked about coming over sometime when my kids weren’t home. (I ‘m just not ready to be alone with him.) He said, “Would you like that?” I said, “Yeah sure… ” (but I never set a date to actually do that). I guess I worry about being used because that happened once and it just doesn’t feel good to think you are with someone and then you have sex and the relationship fizzles out 3 weeks later… Plus, he hasn’t proved himself to me yet and I feel we need to start from square one, after some time passing. But he probably doesn’t see it that way, since it’s been a total of 3 months of this back and forth stuff, with these breaks in between.

Three weeks go by and he texts, “Hope your daughter does well on her SAT’s today. Just thinking about you both.” Now, I’ve decided to move on and date other people, but text him back, “Thank you. I appreciate that and your friendship. Hope your son does well too. Gotta go…” He texts back, “Thanks. Have a good weekend.” (That was about 2 weeks ago.)

I just don’t get this. My friends and even my step-dad thinks he still has something for me and said I shouldn’t have been so cold in my last text back to him. They said why didn’t you just ask him what happened and stop playing these games and have an honest conversation? HELP. What’s going on? Should I give up on this guy? I’m dating other people, but miss him.

Lonnie


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@London Calling,
Well, to be honest, mirroring should be done from day one. That's how you set the pace of a relationship. But often times, that doesn't happen and the women is too eager.

If that's the case, mirroring is done when bad behavior begins to take place (i.e. he's taking advantage, he's disappearing, he's being rude, etc.) to take back control.

But ideally, it should begin at the beginning of a dating relationship to set a nice healthy pace so things don't move too fast and so a women doesn't appear too eager and drive the man away by overwhelming him.

In essence, mirroring and unpredictability should always be done, from day one. If done from day one, it gives the relationship room to breath, gives both parties space and time to think and process what is taking place and keeps the man interested along the way because he's not feeling smothered. It also sets boundaries with a man. If he takes 3 days to return a call and you do too, the next time he really wants to talk to you - he'll know if he pulls that, that's what he'll get in return - so he'll think twice. Additionally, men lose interest fast. So being unpredictable from day one keeps his interest and keeps him coming back (to figure you out).

And yes, if a guy disappears for a month and then resurfaces, you can take a month to respond. That's perfectly acceptable. (I only choose sometimes to respond sooner so that I can take back control sooner :-)

But yes, you can return in kind the behavior he's dishing out to you. Realize that yes, you do risk them losing interest, anything in a relationship is always a risk. Look at all the risks men take with their treatment of women (they risk losing them, but knowing women vibe off of emotions and not logic, they take that chance that you'll still be there - and they're usually right.)

The other thing that may happen is if you don't return that call right away, the man may start to "hunt" you, which is actually a good thing because he'll have questions running through his head. Meaning, he'll call more frequently, making several attempts to get you on the line. And it's perfectly acceptable to let him do so. That's how a man "works" to prove he's genuinely interested and he'll have all those questions running through his head. It really just depends on how much he liked you, how interested he truly is and how far he's willing to go. None of which you can figure out, without using these tactics.

So either situation is acceptable, and yes, risks are being taken in each. But you can't win something without risking anything.

And I might suggest a great book for you that better explains this entire concept. There are many that say the same thing, but I think you'll particularly like the way the message is delivered in this one: Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. It'll be the best money you've ever spent and can really answer and explain why all of this works and exactly how to do it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lonnie,
Well, I get what you were doing and I actually think it was a good thing that you held him at bay. However, when doing so, you were a tad too emotional and it came across as unapproachable in a way. See, there's a method to doing this, keeping a man at bay while still enticing him to move forward with you. When you do that, it's important to not appear angry, just playful. And I think you came across as emotional (i.e. angry) with him, so it confused him.

That's why I always stress how important it is to interject humor into the situation, so that you remain playful and don't come across as "shutting him out." Had some humor and playfulness been interjected, I think he'd have not sensed your anger or being "miffed" at him.

Yes, he's interested and yes, he'll be back. And when he returns, you can keep doing what you're doing, but you have to soften it up a bit is all, so that you're still approachable with him, so he can still feel comfortable making advances towards you. If he thinks you're angry and emotional, he won't feel you're approachable and he won't make advances for fear of rejection.

For instance, that last response of yours "Thank you. I appreciate that and your friendship. Hope your son does well too. Gotta go…” Just a few wording changes would've change the whole feel of that for him. Something like, "Awe, thank you :-) I appreciate that and your friendship, too. Been very busy but we'll have to get together soon. TTYL!"

In that response, there's a bit of sweetness and happiness (that's why the smiley face was used). There's some thankfulness, a tad bit of explanation for your absence and also the hint that you're still interested and available and that you intend to hear from him soon, that there's a future here and it's not over. Then with that, you sit back and wait for him to think about your hint of getting together and let him come to you and ask you out again.

Cutting him off with "gotta go" left no hint of getting together again, no future, and not hint of speaking again anytime soon. So just a few tweaks and the addition of some friendliness and approachability can change the entire feel of the message. It's important to remain happy, approachable, carefree and playful. So they continue to receive a "green light" to make advances.

Forget about his sexual frustrations. If it were that much of a thing with him, he wouldn't start the sexual situations in the first place, knowing he may not be able to follow through and finish. That's him trying to guilt you into moving forward is all. He's responsible for his sexuality, not you, so don't pay any attention to that kind of stuff from men.

Just be friendly, happy, kind, drop hint and be playful - and he'll feel comfortable making advances in the future.

Anonymous said...

Morninng mirror, Lonnie here. Yes, I was getting a bit miffed about all this back and forth and never moving forward and him not asking me out (and just texting every few weeks). I did mean to cut him off in the last text becasue I was out dating other people and they were treating me like they liked me and wanted to see me and I didn't understand why he just wouldn't pick up the phone and ask me out.

So..since I do miss him how to I make myself approachable again? I fear rejection too, I think, and that's why I remain very guarded.

Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror @ Oct31,2012, 7.06pm

I haven't heard from him after that. I haven't also texted him. I hate to admit it but I am still thinking about him. At times I think of reaching out to him but I am too strong and proud to do that. I know I will never do that but I also wonder sometimes that may be he will contact again. What is it with a woman (me)so difficult to move on?

Anonymous said...

I have been with my boyfriend for three years and here lately we have been having issues. I recently saw a Facebook picture of flowers that my boyfriend had sent to another female last year. When confronted he said that she did not know that he was in a relationship. The female is starting to call alot and text alot when he is with me. He will not tell her that he is with his girlfriend. I just dont know how to take the actions of this female.. I dont know if shes a threat or not. This week my mother confronted him about the whole situation and he realized that the other girl was crossing a boundary. He texted the girl to let her know that he was with his girlfriend. The issue is that we have been together for 3 years and she is just fidning out about me. He says that nothing is going on, but its hard to believe when this female keeps popping up.

I want to make this relationship work, but I am having trust issues. Do you have any advice?

I am 22 and he is 24.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lonnie,
Just make yourself more approachable in future communications is all. Be friendly, by happy, drop hints at getting together, etc. That should turn the "green light" on.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 2 2:40PM,
Women are too emotional. They throw logic out the window and completely operate on emotion. That's great for parenting and taking care of others, but for relationships - it's akin to living in fantasy land.

Men are not emotional, they are logical. When a woman gets all wrapped up in the "fantasy" of what a man "could" be instead of facing the "reality" of what he "is" - it makes it very difficult to pull away and remove yourself from the fantasy.

Tap into logic and the emotions will fade.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 2 2:53PM,
I have MAJOR issues with this. Had I found that out about someone I'd been dating for 3 years, it would've been over, right then and there.

And it appears that you're more focused on the actions of this other woman - than your boyfriend, the culprit here. If she has no clue you exist, that isn't her fault - it's his. If he communicates with her as if he's available to her - that's not her fault, it's his. If she's contacting him because she thinks he's single and he leads her on to believe this is true, that's not her fault, it's his.

The fault lies with him - completely 100% - not her at all.

He's acting single, honey. And chances are, his behavior when you're not around is that of a single man. Sending flowers to another woman when he's in a relationship with you? Are you kidding me? Grounds for being dumped, right there. If you excuse this, he's going to continue doing it. Period.

The other girl is NOT crossing a boundary is she DOESN'T KNOW he's in a relationship. Not at all. So to put this on her and deflect it from him is enabling behavior. Blaming her enables him to keep acting inappropriately with her. He sent her flowers and you believe him when he tells you nothing is going on??? No way. Don't accept that. If HE sent HER flowers, something is DEFINITELY going on (or has already gone on).

Don't bang your head against the wall attempting to make a relationship work with a man who isn't doing the same in return. If only one person cares or tries, it won't work, period. If he's acting single, he's not trying. If he's sending other women flowers, he's not trying. If he needs your mother to step in and talk sense to him to convince him to take the appropriate actions here, he's not trying. And if he's not trying, nothing YOU do is going to make it work.

And the mere fact that he didn't want to tell her he was in a relationship or with his girlfriends speaks loud and clear here. ACTIONS speak loud and clear. And his actions are not those of a man who's in a committed relationship.

You need to cut this one loose. If you don't, you can expect more trouble such as this. And if you stay, chances are he'll cheat, if he hasn't already, and it'll amount to you staying to receive pain.

Trust me when I tell you this. Back in my youth, I overlooked similar things - and I stayed - only to end up being cheated on and having my heart broken.

Had I left immediately when the red flags started waving - I would've saved myself lots of pain, grief, sorrow and sadness and never given him the opportunity to cheat on me or hurt me like that.

Save yourself.

Anonymous said...

@Mirror Nov 2, 4.03PM

Thanks for the objective analysis. This blog has become my wiki for finding answers to all my dating questions. Thanks a ton.

Anonymous said...

UPDATE FOR MIRROR OF APHRODITE,

This guy is such a total flake! *annoyed. He just doesn't want to step up and be a man. Ever since he suggested to get together for dinner or a movie, nothing's happened since then. -_- We never got together because he never carried through with his plans and totally just swept everything aside as if what I said to him never happened. (his problems not being my problems and that he's got to figure himself out) I'm so over this waiting-for-nothing game. I mean I've seen him recently because Halloween wkend just passed and all. A bunch of friends got together and went bar hopping downtown and of course we ran into each but when we see each other it's like nothing's happened. -_- He acts like everything's okay and that there are no problems between us. I mean I don't want to be the one who initiates the conversation or who sets up a "date" on when we should get together and talk about whatever the hell is even going on between us. C'mon now! That alone just sounds so needy. I've said all that I had to say and now it's just up to him to get his shit together. Wouldn't you agree? My feelings for him are slowly dying down ... and I'm just not so sure if I can handle this anymore. He's so full of shit sometimes and so selfish. I feel like he's all talk and little action. Whenever I make it clear to him that I'm done with his crap, he get's scared and tries to pull me back in .. and I FALL FOR IT! Ahhhhh I'm still too nice aren't I? He needs to know that I'm not kidding around. If he really cared about me, he would've carried through with his plans and we would've gotten together and really talk things through. I have unresolved issues and having to come back to them or just piling them on top of one another. I'm not that kind of person ....

You have so many followers on your blog so from now on I'm going to name my blogs for you lol. So that you don't get confused. Sorry hun, and thank you so much for all the feedback. It's been a tremendous amount of help!

- KissMyAss

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@KissMyAss,
Well, this is unfortunate. I had a feeling it was just a bunch of BS excuses. The tactics here are meant to either bring two people closer or to suss out a man who isn't genuinely interested. So now, you have your answer and you've liberated yourself from him and you're free to move on. All very good things, so no love loss here.

Don't get me wrong, he's interested to a degree, but he wants things on his terms. He's not willing to work at something or really invest in anything to make a situation work. If it comes to him without lifting a finger, fine. If he has to put an ounce of effort into it, forget it. He'll just pretend everything's fine.

Yep, he's a flake sister. And you know what? He knows you're onto him ;-). And you know why he's acting like everything's fine instead of throwing more BS excuses at you? Because he now knows you're too smart for that. So he's not going to bother.

And no, you should not initiate conversation with him or arrange a date or get together. If you do, this is EXACTLY the type of man that will lead a woman on as if everything's been worked out, sleep with her, then disappear and act like nothing happened.

He's not going to invest any efforts here and as a result, he' no longer your worry or your problem. Again, good things. And I'm quite positive at this point, seen as how he's now behaving, that all that crap leading up to this was a bunch of emotional, mental manipulation on his part. Making women feel guilty, tossing his woe-is-me problems onto them. I betcha that's his game, I betcha that's how he finds sex.

I know men like this. They run this woe-is-me game on women, playing on their emotions, getting them to feel sorry for him, getting them into bed, and then using the woe-is-me stuff as an excuse not to move forward with them. It gets him laid. Women will fall for that hook, line and sinker. Because it's the complete opposite of a normal players approach - where they want you to think they're great. He takes a different road. He wants you to think he's broken. I don't think he is. I think it's all part of his game. I know a guy who used to run this game, "My wife was so mean to me and cold. I'm not sure I can have a relationship. She did this, she did that." And you know what the REALITY was there? He had a two year affair behind his wife's back and the entire she was pregnant with their second child. Yea, the woman who was supposedly so "cold" miraculously let him get close enough to get her pregnant. It was all a bunch of crap, it was his game. He was the wicked one, not her. He played the wounded warrior bit (and was an Aries, ladies).

Chalk this one up to a very valuable learning experience. None of this is any reflection on you in any way, shape or form. HE'S the one with issues here (and secrets too, I bet). Go find a guy that appreciates you. One that doesn't make everything about him, but focuses on you and relationship and is willing to invest in it. You said it, this guy is a flake. He doesn't deserve you.

Anonymous said...

He just has his ways of pulling me back in .... :( It's so hard to walk away from something that you cared for. And for me to let him go completely just brings tears to my eyes because I put in so much of my time, effort, and strength into this. Into him. The words, "he doesn't deserve you" I've heard plenty of times from my girl friends and I agree, he doesn't deserve me.....but why can't I walk away from this? :( I feel like such a fool.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Why can't you walk away? A couple of reasons probably. For one, chances are you put all your eggs in his basket. Meaning, rather than casually dating lots of men at the same time and slowly getting to know each of them (no sex, just dinners, events, movies, etc. together), you dated only this one and amped it up too quick, too fast, creating an emotional attachment for yourself.

Secondly, since it's now an emotional attachment, chances are you're longing for the fantasy and ignoring the reality (emotion versus logic). Meaning, you're hung up on the fantasy of what "could" be, instead of seeing the reality for what it "really" is.

Lastly, you don't love yourself enough to leave. And I don't mean that in an insulting way at all, sweetie, we've all be there, trust me. In our society, women are raised and taught to be "care takers" for others instead of learning the process caring for themselves first. Women are raised to think that if you smile, you're nice, you perform tasks for others much like a machine and sacrifice your happiness to fix other or care for others - people will love you. Not true. In fact, it will always get you used and taken advantage of with everyone, except your own children. It's a great concept for parenting, it's horrendous for relationships. Because as much as I hate to say this, mankind as a whole is geared towards seeking opportunities - and exploiting them to their advantage, if necessary. It's a primal survival mechanism but in today's modern society, it's being widely misused. And when it comes to dating and mating, this opportunistic tendency actually benefits mankind - via the chance to mate and procreate to perpetuate the species. Mother Nature doesn't care about the feelings involved - only the end result - the continuation of mankind. But when women mate, they risk more than men - they risk becoming pregnant. Which is why is EXTREMELY important for women to CHOOSE a mate properly and not just mate with any Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along. Because you could end up attached to that Tom, Dick or Harry for life. So men will always try to mate in opportunistic, exploitive ways. Mother Nature insists on it. But it's up to the woman to determine if he's a worthy mate or not. That's why it's extremely important to choose wisely and not settle.

So for whatever reason, you're not putting yourself, your own welfare, your own needs, happiness and wants, first. Ask yourself, "Why do I care more for him and his well being than my own?"

Giving away your happiness doesn't attract love to you - it attracts more unhappiness. Like attracts like in this universe - karmic balance if you will. Emitting unhappiness attracts that very thing back to you - unhappiness.

Being happy and loving yourself is what attracts love to you. Emit love and happiness into the universe and you will attract that right back to you.

This relationship is not helping you emit happiness, it's not making you happy at all. It's causing you to emit anxiety, worry, self-doubt, anger and frustration - all of which you will attract right back to yourself if you remain in this suspended state of negativity.

He only has as much power over you as you give him. If he has ways of pulling you back in, that's because you're permitting him to do so.

Take control of your life and your happiness and you will attract that back to yourself. And choose your mate wisely. Lot's of men can make babies, but only a small minority make great husbands, lovers and fathers.

Anonymous said...

Yes you do have a point there and I agree completely .. I did put all my eggs into one basket. I sacrificed it all in hopes of gaining something special in return. Sadly things aren't turning out like how I had hoped for. :( I've said no to him before and I know I am capable of doing it again. Like just today I told him, "No" to something that he asked and he replies, "What's your problem?" Haaa. I so badly want to reply that HE is my problem! Every little thing about him!! I know that I deserve to be with a man who makes me happy and at one point in my life, it was him. Even if it were the little things that he did, he knew how to make me smile, laugh, and make me happy. But now something within him has changed. Things aren't like how they use to be anymore, feelings and all. Thank you for your time Mirror of Aphrodite ... but I think this is the end of all solutions for me. Time to give up.

-KissMyAss

Anonymous said...

Cont ..

but how should I end this? Because he keeps writing to me as if everything's all good between us? But as of now I'm just not replying back or giving him real short vague answers which is getting on his nerves *I can tell. I'd like to put him in his place .. you know .. give him something to think about the next time he comes across a nice girl who's looking for "more"

- KissMyAss

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@KissMyAss,
That choice is yours. You can do a slow fade and just silently slip away, leaving him scratching his head and driving him nuts.

Or you can give him a very matter-of-fact, very brief, little talk. Something to the effect of, "Please stop phoning me. I'm no longer invested in this for these reasons . ." Run through the reasons, tell him it's not open for discussion and that you'd greatly appreciate him respecting your wishes and you wish him well in his healing process.

Whatever you do, DO NOT write a 10 page email. DO NOT give a two hour speech. DO NOT get engaged in a 3 hour debate over it. Those are all EMOTIONAL responses. He'll see them as you really caring for him and he'll ignore every word you say and then laugh about it afterward.

To really make your point here, do the opposite of what he expects from women. Remain calm, cool, collected and rational. Deliver what you have to say in less than 10-12 sentences. Wish him well, smile, be kind and end it.

THAT'S communication that men understand.

Anonymous said...

Mirror,

My girlfriends and I were discussing how pathetic all of this is... the hunt, the mind games, the disappearing acts that men play, etc. With so many out there willing to sleep with men on the first date - why bother with playing these games with women who really want relationships? Men instinctively know what kind of woman they are dating, so why bother when they can have friends with benefits in the first place?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I've had that discussion. And there's no great, deep answer. It's simple really. Men are simple.

1.) They delight in variety when mating
2.) Men like a challenge
3.) Men enjoy the hunt

It's about the journey to men. To women, it's about the end result. So for a woman to wonder why all the hunting, game playing, etc. - the answer is simple - because the ENJOY it. They enjoy the journey and all that goes with it.

If a woman offers herself up on a platter to a man, nine times out of ten, they'll sleep with her and then immediately lose interest and be like, "Meh" and shrug her off. It's no fun. Yea, you can have sex, but it's boring, it's no fun. And when a woman offers herself up like that to a man - she takes all the fun out of it for him. There's no hunt, there's no challenge.

Men like to hunt and men are competitive, they love a challenge. It's really that simple.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I have read your article with interest and have to say, I completely agree! I went on 4 dates recently with what I thought was a nice young man and on the 4th date, one month in, we slept together. It's so interesting to read the male-female differences that you say. That was 2 days ago and I haven't heard from him. However, for self preservation and wanting to see what the "reality" of the situation was, I deleted his no's so I couldn't be tempted to contact him!! In my heart of hearts I am not expecting him to contact me (so disappointed and feel I have been duped, but working through it!!)...if he DOES contact me, then I just wait the same amount of time he has taken to text me you think? I feel as I stayed at his, he should text me first to see at least I got home ok etc etc. Also, I was really honest to him during our night together and told him I had wanted him for a while-too honest???!!!! Bah to being a woman at times!!! :-) Thanks in advance!!

Anonymous said...

Mirror, what do you do if you have slept with someone, who goes silent for a few days after and then texts you again asking how you are? How do you know if he is only texting you again as an ego boost to himself rather than genuinely liking or caring how you are? x

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 6 4:27PM,
You know, I read all these stories here and it just makes me sad sometimes. I know men are men and women are women - but seriously, if men could feel like women just for one day, I don't think they'd continue to do the stupid, hurtful things they do.

Some of these guys, I mean the minute they have any sexual experience with you - they're gone. All the attention they gave is suddenly yanked away and they're just gone. It makes me mad and it's hurtful. I truly wish this didn't happen to women.

However, this one WILL be back. They all come back. And yes, when he returns, you give him a dose of his own medicine. If he takes days to contact you, you take days to respond. All is fair in love and war. Don't let this one right back in the door or you'll have yourself a repeat episode here.

And yes, he should be pursuing you. That's the way that Mother Nature has intended it and that's the way it happens in nature. You don't see females in the animal kingdom chasing down males. During the rut, you don't see female deer chasing down the bucks. The way Mother Nature has devised it is the way it should be, period. The men who want to be pursued by women and expect them to do all the work are a freak of nature to me. Generally, they're narcissistic and make crappy boyfriends, lovers, husbands and fathers.

I don't think anything you said brought this on. Chances are he would've behaved like this anyway. He'll be back. Just sit tight.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 6, 7:20AM,
If they go silent and then contact you again, you follow the advice in this article in the section about what to do when he reappears.

You won't know if he's contacting you for an ego boost or because he genuinely likes you. That's why it's important NOT to sleep with a guy too soon - BEFORE you find any of that out. You need time to get to know one another and develop feelings for one another. If you sleep together before that happens, then you have to get to know each other afterwards. It's much better to get to know one another first.

So you're not going to know if he likes you or if he's coming around for sex. The only way to determine that is to make him prove himself. He needs to do the work, he needs to be the one contacting you, taking you out on dates and not just hooking up, he needs to show he really cares by treating you properly and making an effort here. If he fails to do so, then it was just sex and an ego boost.

Anonymous said...

It's true. Your comments and this site has given me an enormous amount of strength and revitalised power! Yesterday I spent the day, as many women do, blaming myself in some way, but also thanking my self for deleting his number so I couldn't chase him...Today, I feel happy and am smiling. Thanks Mirror,
Anonymous @ 4.27am

Anonymous said...

I feel like he's more sincere and honest with me when I'm up front with him. I told him to figure out his unresolved issues and he writes back,

"Fine. Have a good night. Miss you too."

Yes he is interested to a degree. HE HAS told me that he does have feelings for me. And I know that deep down he's capable of loving again. *I know it sounds corny, but it's true. That's why I've stuck by him for so long .. because I know he's not the guy who he puts himself out to be ... cold and heartless. He does have a caring side. I've seen and felt it before.

-KissMyAss

Anonymous said...

Hi! Mirror

I read your comment that it is always a man that should be pursuing you. Is it applicable in all cases? I was reading about dating a cancer man and it was mentioned that he would be a passive partner and a woman should do the intiating. I have just got connected to a cancer man. We spoke over the phone and haven't met yet. But I would appreciate an advice on dating a cancer man so that I won't be disappointed later. Thanks

Anonymous said...

42 Leo with Taurus male...thank you for your input regarding the punishment-type responses and how to best deal with them. He had a big event that he had to execute so the communications were somewhere spotty over the last 10 days or so.

But the reason I'm here now is due to another dimension that has surfaced and I need to explain, although I alluded to it in one of my first posts.

A (ex) girlfriend of mine retaliated after a very bad fight she and I had. Immediately after the fight (within hours) she friend requested him, and he accepted (thinking we were still friends) however, she'd never met him. That turned into a much bigger fight and was a very large problem that among other things, caused him to take space for 4 months. One of them ended up deleting the other within a few hours of the add. All was quiet. For 9 months.
This week, she is suddenly back on his facebook. Now, what you should know is that he doesn't care about facebook and is almost never on or posting. He gets tons of requests on all of his media which he accepts (he's has like 800+ contacts on skype, etc).
She's not done trying to hurt me, I guess. I don't know what her exact intentions are but I image they are along the lines of seducing "my" guy. And I put "my" in quotes because obviously I know we are casual.
So, I sat quietly after seeing this three days ago. He texted me yesterday and I ignored it. He was on skype for the first time in months today and as soon as I signed on, he was saying hi, asking how I was.

cont.

Anonymous said...


I addressed it. I was clear and concise. "Are you interacting with her now? The reason I ask is because of the drama she caused between you and I 9 months ago and because that friendship ended very, very badly and I'm not clear why she is added you and why it was necessary for you to accept."
He said he has 500 facebook friends who he doesn't talk to and it's more a matter of habit to accept people because he doesn't really care about facebook. I explained that I understood that. I said I have fun having sex with him and that enjoy the flirting. And that I don't care who else he might talk to or enjoy but that I because of the history, I didn't like this particular situation. I asked him he's ever met her and he said no.
At that point, there was not much else I could do or say. I couldn't accuse him of anything other than making a bad judgement call when he accepted the request. Guys don't always know how bitchy and manipulating girls can be to each other...
At the same time, I'm annoyed and I can't say with certainty that she isn't trying to move in on him or that they have never met. I don't know. If it were not for me talking to her about him in the short amount of time she and I were friends, she would never know about him and then scoured my friend's list to figure out his name. Yeah, it's THAT creepy.

In any case, I reached the end of my deposition when he said no. So I simply said that I had to take a call and I signed out.

Again, I don't care if he's seeing others but I don't want it to be a girl who is now my nemesis. Although, I have no proof of that. It may not even be the case, but I don't know if that question mark is even an issue I can overcome.

If I were a betting person, he will disappear for a while because it's a bit of drama and he caught in a cat fight, again. It may be a few weeks before he touches base again to perhaps feel me out. If there hasn't been movement to respect my wishes and remove her from his list, I will be forced to either assume there's something actually going on with them, or that my feelings are simply not important enough for him to do the proper thing and delete someone he's never met. If that's the case, what would be a reasonable reaction when if he returns? Given the situation, if I hold my ground or mention it again, would this be viewed to be an ultimatum or nagging? I just don't know. There's a part of me that thinks I'll always wonder. I made a comment to her once and she heard me "if I ever introduce you to him, you better not steal him from me!" and we both laughed. A day later, she said "I would never do that to a friend, you will never have to worry about that." Yet, here we are.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 6 7:09PM,
Even though Cancer men may be a bit less aggressive than say an Aries man, that doesn't mean they're not aggressive enough to get the job done.

No, it's NEVER ever a good idea for a woman to chase and pursue a man (unless you want to become a "hit and run") and yes, a Cancer man is still a man - and he'll still go after what he wants. I just recently dated one. He text me everyday and he phoned regularly, at least once or twice a week. They're still men, they'll still go for it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@42 Year Old Leo,
Well first off, there are a few things to remember here:

1) You guys are only casually involved
2) By reacting as you are, your insecurities over the situation are telling the both of them exactly how to hurt you.

As a matter of fact, when you became insecure and stated to the woman, "If I introduce you, don't steal him away from me" you gave her the golden ticket to hurt you. At that very moment, she:

1) Knew your biggest fear
2) Knew you felt she was competition

Basically, you played your cards. Now the cats outta the bag and your worst fear is developing. Had you remained confident in yourself and your relationship with him, this never would've happened. She'd have never known, she'd have never gotten the idea - you gave her the idea.

And you're doing the same thing with him. You're playing your cards, you're revealing your insecurities, you're revealing that you feel she's competition. So now, should he become infuriated or seek to hurt you, he knows how.

I understand completely how women can be. However, when faced with a woman like this, you don't reveal yourself to her. In fact, you do the opposite - you sit tight, keep your cards to your chest, remain confident and unwavering. When you project that kind of stoic front, people think you're an notable adversary, not a potential victim.

Additionally, you're only casually dating him. Therefore, demanding things from him is out of line. If there were a commitment in place, it'd be acceptable, but there's not, so it's unacceptable to attempt to tell him what to do. And yes, it's nagging and ultimatums :-(

I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just trying to help you realize that YOUR behavior brought this situation on, not hers, not his. Yea, she may have been a catty girlfriend. However, YOU gave her the idea to hurt you by stating out loud that you feared that happening. And now, you could be planting that seed in his head, by letting him know you fear this.

Think about it. Like with children or teenagers, the more you tell them NOT to do something, the more they suddenly start to want to do it. Suddenly, something they could've cared less about is very mysterious and alluring to them. They begin to think, "Hmm, what's all the fuss about? Maybe I should see for myself." The more you tell a teenage girl not to date the tattooed guy driving a camaro, the faster she'll run to his car. You know what I'm trying to say here?

The more you fear something, the more power you give to it.

So let's boil this down. Since there are no commitments in place and this is casual, he can date and see whomever he likes. You can't make any demands of him. And should he choose to do that, the only thing you can control here is yourself - so you walk if you're not comfortable with it.

Next, stop any and all references to her. Stop giving her power in his eyes. You risk making him curious about her by giving this so much attention and emotion. The more you focus on her, the more you will direct his attention towards her. Stand your ground, remain confident. And if you're not, fake it. Share your fears, worries and emotions with your girlfriends, not your man. It's a turn off to men and you don't want him to view you as weak, insecure and emotional and her as strong and confident.

Cont . . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

So you need to do damage control here. To do so, you need to stop making attempts to control the situation. You need to project confidence and strength. You need to appear flexible, fun and carefree. You need to stop giving her attention and focus and you need to make sure he doesn't become curious about her by ceasing speaking of this with him from this point forward. Absolutely no further mention of her, none whatsoever. As of today, she's dead to you, period. She gets no more attention.

When you give things your focus and attention, you give them power. When you remove your focus and attention, you take away their power.

Ignore her. Ignore the Facebook thing. Never speak of her again with him. She gets no more power here. Remain confident, secure, friendly, carefree and fun to be around for him. Don't become a wet blanket to him by obsessing over this all the time and being overly emotional and fearful about it. You know, when you think, you produce - you manifest. What you think about on a daily basis, you manifest into reality and attract these things to you. Do not think about this all the time or your actions are going to make it become a self-fulfilling prophecy here.

If he doesn't delete her, so what? You're woman enough to give her a run for her money! If he chooses her over you, so what? It's not cheating, you're only casually dating and he'll be back anyways once he bores with her or she bores with him (because she doesn't really like him anyway, this is just to prove a point and make you break, which is working so don't give that to her). If he returns, you have two choices, accept him or reject him. That's the only thing you have control of here - your actions, not theirs.

You're worried about him cheating, yet there are no commitments in place here between you two, so for you to do that is wrong. It wouldn't be cheating, it would amount to casually dating others is all. You can't control him. You can only control yourself. So if he does this and it upsets you, you leave. It's that simple, you leave. You don't "mother" him and tell him what to do, you just take control of yourself and you leave.

And you don't let fear, insecurity, misplaced expectations and emotions steer the wheel to create a situation like this ever again. You remain confident, secure, expect nothing unless commitments are in place and keep your emotions in check. That will attract men right to you in droves. However, realize that behaving as you are now can have the opposite effect and send men running by overwhelming them with your emotions, fears, insecurities and worries - all of which YOU are in control of - not HIM.

Keep it in perspective. It's just a Facebook friend, that's it. Had you not mentioned a word about it, he may have never really even noticed it was her. But by focusing a high beam spotlight on it, it's giving her power and making her noticeable to him.

And if your fear of this manifests into a reality that you can't live with - you walk. You don't try to tell others what to do, you control the only thing you can control here - yourself.

So you're best bet right now is to act as if none of this has ever happened. Stop talking about it, be friendly, be fun to be around, be carefree, be nice and be approachable to him. If he brings her up, you laugh it off, "Yea, she had me going there for a minute . . but it was only a minute. I'm over it now. I know you're a smart guy and you like smart girls - like me."

You laugh after making that statement and you quickly change the subject and move away from it. And that's how you handle it from this day forward. You make her slide off into the darkness and you show him your best, most confident, attractive and appealing self :-)

Confused Taurus said...

So glad I found this! Some of the best advice I have read.
I was recently in a relationship with a Leo for a year and a half. We started out just hanging out for 6 months or so. Once things started to get a bit serious, he said he was done, needed to move on, forget his number, I was clingy, etc. The disappearing act went on for about a week and he approached me to meet. We met, had a great time, and began hanging out again. Later that month, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I gladly accepted because I had strong feelings for him and wanted to be in a relationship with him. Everything went great for about 6-7 months. Then he started hanging out with his friends a lot, totally fine... I have a life also.
We were seeing each other every night, he asked me about moving in (which I kindly declined) and our relationship was just fine. In August, we got in a fight. I wasn't feeling like I was a priority and I made mention to that. He told me he would work on it, make more time for me, etc. it got a little better, then it got worse.
He was out of town and we were texting. I made a comment about planning a date night when he got home and he agreed. Two days later he broke up with me, saying he needed space and time. We didn't see each other for 3 weeks.
When we finally talked, he said he wanted this to work and he was going to spend more time with me. He wanted to be in a relationship with me, but he didn't know when. He just wanted to hang out like we did when we first got together.
I chose to go along with it for a few weeks, but then he met with a girl at a place I have asked him to go with me on numerous occasions, I found out about it and gave him a chance to tell me. He lied the first time, and finally had a guilty conscience about it and came clean. He told me he had feelings for me still, she was only a friend and it meant nothing. I thought maybe I was over reacting.
Then, two days later, he told me that he doesn't think we should spend every night together anymore. That he needs to figure out "what he wants"
I was upset, but I agreed and let it rest.
I finally had enough and went to his house to get my things. It ended very badly.
He told me he is done and doesn't want to be with me.
I want him back so badly, but I'm unsure of where to go from here.

Anonymous said...

Hi, it's Vivian again, with a different situation. :-) So first of all, I followed your advice and:

1) Stopped following how their relationship is developing online.
2) I've kept it light, flirty, and mostly fun (though he's been persistently sweet and kissy... so I decided to reciprocate a little)
3) I'm mirroring close to the amount of time it takes for him to text me back, leaving plenty of space.
4) I've been giving other men a chance.

I'm a lot less emotional now probably due to getting attention from other men, so I think I'm in a good spot.

My question is: I have a mandatory trip to Vegas in December for a few days... do you think it's a good idea to invite him? (It's just a 1.5 hour flight from where he lives.) I could probably see him for 2-3 days.

I haven't seen him in over a month. And I'll be bored in Vegas, since I won't be going with friends this time. I know I'll have a blast if he goes.

It's during the weekday, and it's possible that he can't take time off work - but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to even bring it up because:

1) Anything can happen in between now and December. We might have a fight, and stop talking. He might become exclusive with her. I might meet someone new who I like more.

2) It might scare him away because it's like we're going on a trip together.

3) Due to me blowing hot and cold and pulling back earlier, he may have started to figure I was seeing someone else. But if I invite him on this trip, he will definitely assume I don't have anyone else. (This is not true; it's just that I can't invite a new guy on a trip so soon.)

4) He will know that I won't be moving there within the next 2 months.

5) He might categorize me as a girl just to have fun, adventurous times with - and nothing beyond (though he might already think so!).

However, I feel that if we see each other again, I can get to know him A LOT better (he's a lot more open and expressive in person than texts/calls), and everything I have been unsure about I can verify in person, and he won't forget about the strong in-person connection we have.

What do you think? Total disaster, or a potentially great idea?

Thanks Mirror!

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror...I text you in the week to say a guy I went on 4 dates with and slept with went silent after, for 4 days. That felt like an eternity to me, probably nothing for a man! I hadn't text him at all after the event...

I now don't plan to return with a response for 4 days either to follow your mirroring pattern as advised...but wondering, is it too late to re-set boundaries and regain his respect having already slept with him?? Isn't that just game over and he will be seeing me as a booty call? I wish I hadn't, but in a typical female way he disarmed me with his charm which I had believed to be genuine. Woops :-p

Many thanks in advance

Heartonsleeve, UK

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Confused Taurus,
This is not going to be what you want to hear so I'm going to apologize for that in advance. But you need to cut this one loose. The tighter you hold onto him, the more he's going to slip out of your grip.

He's seeing other women. Which is why he's blowing hot and cold, he's feeling guilty about it. And to be honest, he's a Leo, so he's attempting to do the right thing and he's attempting not to hurt you, which is making him wishy washy about just coming right out and saying it.

If you stay, he's going to cheat on you. Not intentionally, because he's attempting to do the right thing. But because you're hanging on, he's going to be torn so what will happen is eventually, he's going to end up cheating. Because he's trying to get out but can't.

So it's best that you save yourself the pain of going through that and you let him go. That way, the relationship won't be destroyed. You go your way, he goes his way, it's a clean break. And after he dates around for a while, and you do too, if those situations don't work out, you guys can revisit the relationship at some point later in time and maybe bring it back together again. But if you stay and he ends up cheating, it will destroy the relationship, destroy trust and repairing it at a later date will be virtually impossible.

Again, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear and I'm sorry for that. But don't stick around to be hurt. Love yourself enough to leave and love him enough to let him go. If he truly does love you, he'll return.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
Hmm, me personally, I see more cons than pros to an open invitation. But that doesn't mean you can't drop hints about it.

Let me explain. I fear a few things from an open invitation:

1) Yes, he'll consider you a "good time girl"
2) He'll sleep with you and/or have a great time with you there - then return home to her
3) He may refuse the invitation because he's involved with someone else, which will hurt you because you're focused on winning him right now
4) He may accept it and go, she may discover this, and you can end up in the middle of heated drama and/or online public battles of some sort (she may seek you out)
5) It's reminiscent of competing for a man's attention (which never ends well for the woman)
6) He'll think you want a relationship
7) Yep, lots can happen between then and now
8) He may say yes now, then two days before it's time to go, he may bail without warning
9) It's much better to date men who pursue you (are highly interested) rather than men you pursue (are only half interested)

So rather than a flat out invitation, if you're really intent on doing this, I'd hint around about it instead. To get a feel for how he may react and his interest level. If he doesn't seem interested, then it's a no-go. If he bites and he seem interested, then that signals enough interest on his part enough to take a chance and risk all of this. So I'd suggest putting your "feelers" out there instead at this point.

But before you do anything here, you need to be okay with the fact that you may be refused, rejected or he may not be interested. If that will hurt you, don't do any of this. If you think you can handle that potential outcome without being hurt, then feel around.

Whatever you do, don't set yourself up to be hurt here is all. Don't get caught up in competition for a man and don't attempt to "win" here. It may be a loosing battle since he's involved with someone else at the moment and he's only casually interested at this time because of that. So just realize that going in is all and be prepared to accept that outcome, should that happen.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Heartonsleeve, UK,
Well, yes, it's hard to take that back once it's happened. It doesn't mean game over though.

To reverse the effects, do exactly what you're intending to do which is don't be too eager here. Take your time responding to him, the 4 days is appropriate seen as how that's how long it took him to contact you. So just continue to mirror his behavior like that and give him lots of space without smothering him so that he feels comfortable entering into this.

So just don't chase him, don't pursue him. Hang loose and play it cool. Give him all the space he needs without going into a panic about not hearing from him for a while (because he'll be back, they almost all always come back).

If men feel pressured to do something, they run from it. Since you've already had sex with him, he's expecting you to want a commitment and a relationship with him. So you're job here is to not do what women typically do to men after sleeping with them - don't pressure him for anything. Let him come to you, give him plenty of space and time to do so, and when he does, mirror his response times and be fun, carefree and flexible.

That should set a nice slow pace that he feels comfortable with. Once he sees that you're not pressuring him for a relationship, he'll drop his guard and move towards you. If you move towards him, he'll run. So let him come to you, keep in control and take it slow.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mirror. This is probably a "yes", but does that mean, if i am seeking for a serious relationship, I have to keep abstaining from sex again with him or he'll keep me on his good time girl only list? You have been so helpful.

Heartonsleeve UK

Anonymous said...

Let me begin by telling you, you are amazing! What a fantastic read. Thank you for this.

So, met a guy a few months ago. Slept together the first night we met. I wasn't expecting to ever have feelings for him past that point (which is why I slept with him), but we started hanging out once a week, on weekends. Everything was great at the beginning. I didn't over text, I kept it cool and he was always there. After a while, the texts started to lessen, which in turn made me feel insecure and worried. The big problem is, I worried alllllll the time. So I would continue to pull back, but I would always tell him how I felt (at one point I even gave away that I liked him). Which was likely the problem. I was also extremely generous to him (in and out of bed). Eventually we stopped hanging out on weekends (because he was 'busy') and started seeing each other during the week. Once this happened, he started talking to me less. I was always the one initiating conversation. I even once asked him what he wanted out of this because I was kind of confused by him (we would go out and have fun, sleep together, and then I would sleep over, but we weren't dating..). Because I was so confused I kept trying to get out of it, but my heart didn't want to let go... I just wanted his attention. So I pretty well cried wolf a few times (I would say "I don't want this," and then instantly taking it back and ask for another chance - which he would always give me), so at this point he knew I would always come back to him.

2 weeks ago, after we hung out, I didn't hear from him for one week. I stopped talking to him almost right away. Suddenly he sent me a message last week, and I replied the next day with a casual response that initiated nothing. He read my message, and didn't reply. He just stopped talking again. Nothing. So I decided to give up. Deleted AND blocked him from Facebook (which I had already done once before while 'crying wolf' and re-added him again instantly), and deleted his number. Monday, for some reason, I decided to unblock him, but kept him unfriended. A few hours later, he sends me a message telling me that he "needed to clear his head" and thought being silent was the only way to do that, or something. I haven't replied to him. I don't want him to get the idea that I will always be there. I feel like I shouldn't respond at all to this message and see if he sends another one, if he really cares. I really want the control back, but I feel like if I respond, he will just acknowledge that I'm still around and ignore me again until he's feeling lonely or something. But if I ignore him, I may seem uninterested and he will move on?

Any suggestions?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Heartonsleeve UK,
Yes, you would have to abstain for a while. And the reason is - to see if he genuinely likes you, or if it's just sex he wants.

If he genuinely likes you, he'll want to see you whether you have sex with him or not. If he only wants sex, he won't put in the effort or do the work or stick around.

But DON'T tell him that you're doing this or why. When things start to get intimate, you just change the subject, leave the room for a drink or do whatever you have to do to keep that from happening. But DO NOT tell him that you're abstaining. The point is to see if he genuinely likes you and if you tell him what you're doing, you'll give him the opportunity to lie to you, so don't do that.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@November 8, 2012 8:57AM,
Well . . this one's a bit tricky. It's tricky because the immediate sex complicated things beyond belief unnecessarily. (Which is why it's always a good idea to wait much longer to do so.)

So now, you're uncertain, feeling insecure, and chances are, he is too.

But to compound the situation, your emotions are all over the place and you're acting on them by deleting, then friend, the calling, then not answering, etc. He's picked up on this and to men, that translates to "emotionally unstable." I'm sorry. We've all been there so you're not alone, nothing to be embarrassed about. It just is what it is, is all.

First off, as I'm sure you can now see, when us women are in a state of emotional flux, it's NEVER a good idea to ACT or TAKE ACTION during those moments. They become regrettable, as you're now aware. So no more taking action when you're feeling emotional. Second, no more talking to your man when you're feeling emotional. Call a girlfriend instead and communicate with him when you're back to feeling okay again. Because all of this is creating the wrong impression of you with him and now - he's uncertain. He's thinking, "Can I deal with this all the time? Is this going to be like work? Is it ever going to be fun again?"

It's all very complicated right now and he felt the need to pull back, away from all of it, which was actually the right thing to do. You see, men won't communicate when their emotions are in a state of flux. The won't take action when they're feeling like that either. So when men pull away, it's not a bad thing. They're regrouping is all. Trouble is, when they do that and take some space - women freak out, become emotional, become a tad irrational, and blow it. Again, we've all been there, this is nothing new and nothing to be embarrassed about. It's actually a positive experience to learn and grow from.

Here's what I think I'd do. He's already admitted he needed to take some space to clear his head. And I think that's what you need to do as well. You need time to relax, level out and be able to communicate clearly with him, not emotionally. Consider responding to him and telling him that you completely understand and that you need to do the same. Ask him if it's okay for you to contact him next weekend and you guys will talk then over dinner. Make the date now though - so that you both know you're meeting next Friday or Saturday for dinner at 7PM and whatever restaurant you guys decide on. And you meet at that restaurant, in a public place, so that there's no drama and you two can connect and communicate clearly over an enjoyable meal and a nice evening.

You have to make things fun and enjoyable again. You need to clear your head so this can happen. This will give him time to do the same and hopefully, miss you as well.

And then this week, you relax and enjoy yourself and look forward to your date next weekend.

Anonymous said...

Mirror-thank you. I will try it with this guy and see what happens (abstaining but not letting him in that this is the deal. This is sooo difficult for women isn't it, esp after a couple of drinks and our innate nature that makes us think being honest is a good thing and will draw them closer to us)...how long roughly is a good idea to make them wait for do you think? My response text is not going to ask him any questions of himself, but to be bright, breezy and busy sounding! If he omes my way, good! If not: it clearly was what it was! Thanks for your help :-)

Heartonsleeve UK

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror:

What do you think is going on with a guy (if anything) that hasn't had a relationship in 14 years since he's been divorced? I've dated several men (and even players)will have had at least one girlfriend/relationship after several years of being divorced. This is a first for me. Is this a red flag or just someone who hasn't found the right person yet? Sounds a bit perfectionistic or perhaps a forever bachelor... or maybe he's just a great guy, though, who doesn't want to get involved just for the sake of sex? any thoughts?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 9 6:10AM,
Well, I guess that depends on what his definition of a relationship is. He could have had sex with several women over the years and just didn't develop a relationship with any of them. To me, a relationship is when two people decide to do two things:

1.) Commit to each other and date exclusivly
2.) Begin telling one another they love them

So it could be that he's been involved with plenty of women and he just didn't do either of the above with any of them.

And if so, it's understandable. My guess is, he was severely hurt and/or affected by his divorce or ex wife. I've seen guys do this. To cover that fact, they dive into work and their careers headfirst. They become too busy to date and they don't frequent places where they may meet women. Most times, it's work, work, work. Either that, or some hobby of some sort that they devote themselves too.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Heartonsleeve UK,
There is no real time frame with this because each man and each situation is different. It's his ACTIONS that you pay attention to, not necessarily the time involved.

Some men "get it" and come around quick. Others need more time for it to sink in. But when a guy starts to really prove he's genuinely interested by pursuing you, following through with his promises, doing nice things for you, going out of his way for you, treating you like a lady and with respect - then it's okay to move towards him. But I said move towards him, not jump in his lap. Baby steps.

When he behaves properly, you take two steps towards him. When he behaves badly, you take seven steps back. When he behaves properly, you take three steps towards him. If he misbehaves again, you take five steps back. See what I mean?

It's the rubber band theory of dating. Keeping tension on that rubber band and behaving accordingly based on ACTIONS - not words.

Anonymous said...

Hello i am a 39 year old Taurus female and he is a 50 year old cancer (old as hell). I work as an engineer for the goverment and he works at kinkos making copies. i knew that i was not physically attracted to him, he had a few missing teeth, his apartment is discusting and filthy and he is addicted to marijuana but something inside of me was desperate to not be alone and somehow i convinced myself "its not about the looks or about what he does for a living, he seems like a nice guy who really likes me" , so i put everything aside and said fuck it, im going to take a chance. So making a long story short, he invited me to his house for dinner and a movie and one thing led to another! yes he attempted to have sex with me, but unfortunatly he suffers from ED and i grew fustrated and said to him to put on his clothes, i was embarrassed for him but i still stuck around becuase i said hey this shouldnt be the end of it. he always talked about us moving in together, and he said he wants to get married to me, even showed me a few engagment rings. It kind of scared me becuase i think he was rushing all of this stuff. He even gave me a key to his apartment which really freaked me out. the next weekend we were sitting watching a movie and his phone rings, he answers it and its a girl. She is asking him where is he and he responds that he is at work! i looked at him and asked him why did he say that? he responded and said he did not want his friends in his buisness, which i knew was bullshit so i got pissed and curse his ass out and left his house. a week goes buy and i received a call from a girl who claimes to be his friend/sister and she continues to tell me how much he loves me and how i should give him another chance. This friend of his sounded sweet and she even invited us to her house for dinner and to speak to both of us, so i accepted. so we go to this chicks house and dinner is great! Now the same girl calls me the day after thanking me for coming to dinner and she continued to give me compliements on how impressed she was with me and then she laughs and says that i think your to pretty for him! and he mentioned to me that you have a great job and you are loaded! i was a bit taken back by her comments becuase there is no other way she would know about my job.she also mentions that he told her we had sex etc. she also stated that i am to pretty for him and that i should move on becuase he meets girls on chat lines and has sex with them on the first date. she also said that he met a 19 year girl online and had sex with her, now by this time i was discusted and totally turned off. Even though all of this happen one year before him and i started dating , i am discusted and i dont trust him becuase he is a lier. come to find out that this girl that invited us to dinner, he too met her online and they had sex! why would he have this chick call me and try to get me back together with him. I am so confused as to why this cancer man is like this. Everytime i tell him off and attempt to leave he starts to cry, he begs me not to leave, he states that he is in love with me and that whatever he did in the past is in the past,that its only me now but i dont trust him. I think there is something mentally wrong with him. I told him he needs to seek counseling and he said he will find one. He asked me would i go with him if he found one and i said yes! now its been 3 months later and he is still telling me that he has been so busy at work that he hasnt had a chance to really research online for a therapist! WTF he works at kinkos, he's not a fucken attorney or a doctor, he makes copies for a living, what do you mean you dont have time! Anyway last week i got fed up with the fucken excuses and blocked him from calling my cell phone, blocked all text messages from him and also blocked my email. im not going to lie and say i dont miss the conversation and the romantic shit he fed me, but something inside of me tells me that this is NOT the one!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror

Women in deep despair here (re message to you on 10/10/12), thank you for your valuable and helpful response. Also can I say thank you on behalf of all the ladies here, for taking the time to personally answer all their messages, with the best advice ever

It’s been 5 weeks since I posted my last message, and I have not heard anything since he did the “Houdini”. Of course I have resisted texting him. I read your disappear/reappear aftermath.. and felt that was completely me.

It certainly has been a major blow for me and am finding it hard to get my confidence back. I still think of him a lot and of course I secretly hope that I will hear from him..(but I somehow don’t think I will).

I am trying to be positive and started to try to arrange “casual dates” from internet dating websites, just to try and get my confidence back. Which is proving quite hard as the men sure play around and seem to be very unreliable on these sites.

I must admit my confidence and happiness doubled over night when I was dating him, because he treated me so well and was such a gentleman on the dates…I truly could not fault him, great personality, intelligent, and a gentleman - (until he just disappeared in silence - which to be honest, I am finding hard to get over).

In fact I was sooooooooooo happy, that I must have been giving out happy energy attraction vibes, as I seemed to be attracting men left/right and centre, whilst I was dating him.

I even had a man come up to me on the train, and he said to me that I was beautiful (I felt so flattered).. I wish I made the most of the situation and took up the offer of a date of one the men I met in a club…. (why oh why did I think I was exclusive to this guy I was only dating, when I wasn’t officially his girlfriend), and made the most of my attraction energy.

Now, my armour has been dented my confidence has hit rock bottom end of the positive attraction feel good energy, end of the random men coming up to me on trains and in clubs.. (The laws of attraction article is so true).  

I just want a bit more advice here, for my mind is working overtime nagging and nagging me about my last date I had with him, and I don’t know why I feel it was my fault.

Our dating had been on a weekly basis and consisted of meeting up after work and going out to a bar, chatting loads, having a few drinks, enjoying each other's company.

One date he came to mine and we went out running (as I am into running and fitness and likewise he). This proved to be the best date, enjoying an hours run and talking at the same point, and then returning back to mine, and then enjoying a pizza and wine after, in which he took charge and prepared, making a big fuss of me. (in fact this proved to be the best date, as so enjoyed it and we bonded so well). The next day he texted me and said he went to the gym so he could train and keep up the running with me, (as I am the better runner) also a few other little messages, asking me to behave myself when I was out clubbing with my friends. (so I could tell he was into me). All to be blown a couple of weeks later..

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much. Your advice is brilliant,will update if necessary!
Regards from England!

Heartonsleeve, UK

Anonymous said...

continued from women in despair:-
Anyhow as I said I had been seeing him on a weekly basis, and after the last date being a Friday (he stayed over) and when he departed the next day, he said can I see you Wednesday and we can go running again, I agreed to that (and started to think.. Wow he wants to see me more than once a week!!!, I really felt confident then).

Come Wednesday (day of meeting up), he texted me that morning and said he had to go and view a property straight after work, (as he had to urgently find a new property, as he had to be out of his current property within in a week), but he could still come round if I wanted. I replied sure, come round roughly what time do you think you will be round, he said 9ish, which I thought was pretty late, but as he was making the effort (a long journey of two trains from one side of London to another), thought it was ok for him just to come round and chill in my home rather than a date doing an activity or going out. And to be honest by then, (dating him for 2 months) I thought was ok for a guy to come round and chill.

Anyhow, that evening I went running alone, then suddenly I received a text, and he said he was just getting on the train, and would be at my home at 8pm.. I thought blimey one hour earlier, so quickly rushed home and showered, and was drying my hair, then I had to answer the door all disorganized and disheveled and I hadn’t finished drying my hair, and didn’t feel comfortable I wasn’t relaxed or ready for him to be here yet.

Anyhow, basically we sat down and chatted from 8pm - 11pm from when we went to bed ??? (of course we had sex within that time frame and I made a tea).

But the more I think about it, the more I think about that evening was it that great to him, did I make a good impression. Firstly, the conversation was stilted and sometimes there was awkward silences, he was speaking a lot as he has loads to say, I was asking him questions. But for some reason I felt awkward and I began to lose my confidence and I wonder if he sensed that.. I was even thinking to myself, I wonder if he actually wants to be here with me???

Anonymous said...

continued women in deep despair,sorry its long:-

And the more I was thinking this the more that surely I must have made him think I was less attractive and perhaps he kind of lost his interest in me. I think that he sensed this negative energy…. I really do?
I was never needy with him, I never spoke about emotions, I just was cool all the time.. But somehow that evening, I felt like I was giving off negative vibes/energy and to be honest I didnt feel relaxed I didnt feel my usual self
Personally, that wouldn’t put me off a person that I liked, but for men it’s different do you agree? And as really this was the first date, where we actually weren’t out doing anything, just sitting there, talking and chilling ….. (if you see what I mean).

I just thinking to myself did this put him off, did he think the “date” or me dull and boring and I was uninteresting..??
Of course he was still affectionate when we were in bed and cuddled me all night. But as you can see from my previous message, after that I never saw him again, “poof” - he disappeared. And I totally blame myself… for blowing it.

What hurts me more Mirror is that he was so respectful and what I thought was a decent person why couldn’t he have the decency or be a man and text me and say, I am sorry but I think you are a nice person, etc. etc. but he just did a “houdini”.

After having all that positive energy and feeling good about myself because I thought I had met someone that was actually a decent man.. that now he has dented my confidence, I find it so hard to forget him.. even after 5 weeks.. ? still in my conscience I am waiting for him to contact me. And of course I want to contact him, but know I would feel an idiot.. I am still contemplating sending him a Christmas message.
On the other hand, I just think he has “poofed” doesn’t care about me one iota and is off on his merry way onto the next girl .!!

This man, has really, really got me down, as I just can’t understand how disrespectful a man to be to disappear, when they get to know you and I have welcomed him in my home several times. How can it be this way, even writing this gives me tears in my eyes.. and he has left me and doesn’t even know that I am hurting.. I know it was dating, and he was just getting into me, (for sure I could tell), then from the last date he must have completely changed his mind about me. It will take me a long while to get over him as I truly thought a lot of him..
Mirror is there anything I can do to message him and say something ? many thanks Women in deep despair x



Tired of the games said...

Need some advice...met a man on a dating website who lives 7 hours from me. What began as just texting back and forth because conversation came easy for us, became a daily occurrence...like probably 2 or 3 hours/day for 2 months. He hid his profile on the website and said it did bother him that I still was going on it, and didn't like thinking of me with other guys. We both told each other that we were crazy about each other (him first), and I told him he had to come see me, which he agreed. A few times after texting witty conversations, he had even said something to the effect of "that's, why I love ya." And he would tell me that he wakes up thinking about me, and goes to sleep thinking of me, and how he gets excited when he sees a text come in from me, and how I make him feel alive. And there was also "sexting" on both our parts. So then about a week before he came, he got strep throat from his son. His texting slowed down, and he said he was "probably gonna be quiet tonight and didnt want me to worry." And if he wasn't texting much, he would say why, like, "by the way I was taking a nap(he works grave shift)." And sorry he's "not been talking a lot, but when he's sick, he's grumpy and not very talkative." But that he still can't wait to see me and that he needs me. So he flew in for his 2 day visit, and it went very well. Of course we had sex and that was great too. But when I took him to the airport, he told me I didn't need to walk him in because it'd be a pain to park, gave me a nice kiss and left. He texted me in between flights, and when he was home. Said the long flying day was worth it to see me, but his texts were like the week before, kind of mundane, shorter and not as frequent, still called me nice pet names, but not him saying how much he's crazy about me. And for these 2 days, I let him text me first, and didn't answer him right away. So on the third day he texts me that he misses me and can we Skype. And we did, and it went nicely and he was sweet. But still, 2 days later, he's not texting a lot. My question is would he bother to still say he misses me alot and even text me at all, or Skype, if he's not interested? I just cant figure out why he was so "all into me" for the last two months, and then the week before he came, he was quiet. I know he was sick then, but now he's not and is still quiet.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Woman In Deep Despair,
Well, you have free will, you can always do whatever it is you want to do. But my advice to you would be to wait this out. I DO think you'll hear from him again. Maybe not as soon as you'd like, but I do think you will. And I advise you to wait it out for several reasons:

1) You're emotional right now. Communication never goes well when emotions do the talking.
2) He could ignore your communication for whatever reason and this would do more damage
3) I don't think you did a damn thing wrong, therefore, I don't think you need to initiate contact here
4) He may have some real issues going on right now regarding his living situation

Yes, there is lots to be said for the Law of Attraction and yes, it's possible he picked up a negative vibe. But that wouldn't stop a determined man. Personally, I think things are going on in his personal life and he thought better of becoming embroiled in a relationship during a period in his life when he wouldn't have the time or resources or correct mindset to have one successfully. And I believe he feels guilty of this, which is why he hasn't got up the courage to contact you - YET.

Regardless of his reasons, you need to accept that YOU ARE NOT the reason this happened. And the fact that other men approach you and compliment you should confirm that for you. So cease viewing the glass as half empty. Embrace your beauty and know that men find you attractive. And know that everytime a man walks out the door - another one comes waltzing through it.

So what you need to do now is you need to consciously control your thoughts. Easier said than done, but it is doable. And the fact that you run and exercise will help with that. And how you do this is . . everytime you start down the path of reviewing this situation, you take a jog. I don't care if it's midnight, you get up and you run. And you run and you run and you run. And when you run, you listen to music. Not sappy sad, romantic stuff. You listen to whatever makes you feel good. You take control of your thoughts - and you do whatever it takes to NOT have them. By distracting yourself, you force positive energy to replace the negative and the exercise releases the negative energy. Then when you return home, you shower, you light candles and you sit with a list of items that you want to happen in your life - and you state them out loud. You make affirmations.

So sit down and make a list of 10 things you want to happen. Keep it short and sweet. Such as, "A good man will love me." "I will be happy." "I will remain positive." "I am worthy." "I am strong." "I am beautiful."

DO NOT include things you don't want. For instance, don't make this affirmation, "I will not be hurt." You see, the word "hurt" is negative. And when enacting the Law of Attraction, the universe can't tell good from bad. All it knows is that it has to balance - universal balance. So if you make the affirmation, "I will not be hurt" - the universe will send "hurt" your way. It doesn't know "hurt" is bad. All it knows is that you're sending energy and vibes out, like a radio wave, signaling "hurt." And in order to provide balance, the universe will respond and send to you that which you are pulling in (attracting) and asking of it, which is "hurt."

So you keep those affirmations short, to the point and all positive in nature. Use only positive words. And once you've jogged and released negative energy and replaced it with positive energy (the music) - you go home, you take a bath or shower, you light some candles and before you go to bed, you sit each and every night and you recite your affirmations - out loud.

Cont . . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

This isn't all voodoo and pseudo science gobble-di-gook. What these affirmations do is called "brain mapping." It's like pushing the reset button on a computer. And if you load a computer with a virus, it can't make the connections it needs to, to operate normally. All this negative thinking is actually making new neural connections in your brain, mapping it to lean towards the negative by creating new connections that enable it to do so. By making these affirmations out loud and before bed each night, you are creating new neural connections that lean toward positive thinking. And we carry what we last think of before entering into sleep brain wave patterns - into the realm of sleep. Meaning, what you last think of stays with you when you sleep and the brain is still acting on those thoughts. So before you go to bed, make those thoughts positive ones.

Doing this over and over - it "tricks" the brain into thinking these things are actually happening in your life. It maps the brain accordingly to begin recognizing opportunities around you to make these things happen. Like attracts like. For instance, ever notice if you like a car, say a silver Lexus, suddenly you start seeing silver Lexus everywhere you go? They were always there. But now, you NOTICE them. Why? Because you're brain mapped itself to notice them. You are subconsciously thinking about a silver Lexus and as you are, you're brain is creating new neural connections to pick silver Lexus cars out of all the others on the road. To lead you to them. They were there all along, but now, they're everywhere - and that's because you're finally noticing them.

That's how the Law of Attraction works. Affirmations and subconscious thoughts. They get sent out to the universe like radio waves and the Law of Attractions dictates this must be balanced. Another word for it is Karma. Or the Three Fold Law.

"That which you put out there comes back to you three fold."

Three times as powerful.

"What goes around comes around, three fold."

It's a complex subject, but here's psychological study that was conducted with drug addicts. People who have mapped their brains towards negative behavior - addiction. And it shows how this repeated behavior has actually mapped their brain (changed it) to make bad decisions that are way off base of what their normal thought patterns would be:

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/54243.php

You can map a brain towards negativity or you can map it towards positive.

And here's an article, a "how to" about mind mapping with the Law of Attraction in mind:

http://jasonhill.hubpages.com/hub/Mind-Mapping-The-Secret-Law-of-Attraction

And humor me here, I'm going to make one other suggestion for you to do BEFORE you get started here. You need to understand what you're about to do. And you need to be pumped up and excited to do it. Please do yourself a favor here, this will make you feel LOADS better, please rent a copy of the movie, "The Secret." Watch it to gain a better understanding of all of this. If you've seen it, now's a good time to watch it again. Help yourself and do this.

And then tell yourself, "Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life."

I really do hope this helps you. If you follow through with what I've said here, I really think you'll be on your way.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Tired of All the Games,
It's 100% perfectly normal for a man to pull back into his own space. They don't like to be overwhelmed and dating and women - they're all overwhelming to men. So they pull back to take some space. It's perfectly normal. You can't expect someone to keep up that complimentary pace forever. Even the best of marriages don't have that going on daily.

And you have to remember, men live in fantasy land much of the time as far as their thoughts are concerned. They fantasize like 80% of the day. So when they talk out loud about those fantasies, that's all they are, fantasies. But women take all that "talk" literally instead of seeing it for what it is - a man fantasizing out loud.

That's why TALK doesn't matter. It's just words. ACTIONS matter. And women need to pay attention to men's actions and let their words go in one ear and out the other. If you don't separate the two, you'll get caught up in their fantasy.

There's nothing you can do to make a man like you or want a relationship with you. You can't control other people, you can only control yourself. If he decides to move on, then so be it, he wasn't the one. Or he may take a breather and return. Either way, don't freak out or you'll send him running. So control yourself here and sit tight.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings - and I don't hear her, do you? ;-)

Anonymous said...

I wish I could meet you and thank you in person! I was just going through a heartbreak when I read this article! I have been dating this guy for going on 7 months and he has spoiled me rotten with lavish gifts and just things I really needed. Although I have never asked for ANYTHING he has always provided these things for me. I must admit I let my insecurities get the best of me. A close friend of mine knew someone he dated before me and she warned me that he would spoil women and then leave them. So I of course voiced that to him and he assured me he wouldnt do me like that and that it was only because he couldnt grow with the other females so he would leave them alone if he felt they werent growing together. I guess I could understand that but it still scared me. But long story short I begain to do everything you said NOT to do! I was ALWAYS available, I would rearrange my schedule in a drop of a hat for him. Now I found myself ALWAYS wanting and voicing to him I wanted him to spend more time with me. Well recently he had a major situation going on but he really never gave me all the details about this situation. So in the middle of him handling this situation I was in the mix asking to be a priority and not an option. So out of no where he withdrew from me and stop answering my calls, texts, and he emails. But he said he truly loved me but he wouldnt talk to me for almost a week. I was so depressed and sad and continued to pour out my feelings letting him know how much he was hurting me. Well I got fed up with the constant ignoring me so I finally sent a message saying im done officially. I came across your article and now needless to say HE IS BEGGING for my attention now! Guess what I havent responded to any of his messages and now he wants to explain why he disappeared on me. Its only day one of the mirror approach but I have done very well with giving him his own dose of medicine! I am determined to wait three days to answer back just as you said. He is trying all kinds of ways to get me just say SOMETHING! Im not afraid of losing him either so im prepared for him to say he wil just leave it alone before my three days are up! I will NOT budge until im ready. This is so not like me and I know he is thinking im really gone for sure! But I want him to know its not ok to just disappear on me and come back like its nothing wrong. Thank you so much for this article you have changed my whole outlook on being in charge of myself, and my feelings. Now I feel impowered to the 10th power!

Tired of the games said...

Thank you for your advice...am going to sit tight and try to keep myself busy...thanks again!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I'm so glad to hear this is working for you.

Yes, hold out for a few days. Give him plenty of space, that's what he was insistent upon anyway, LOL, so give him exactly what he's asked for ;-)

He needs plenty of time to think, plenty of time to miss you, and plenty of time to reflect on where he went wrong and his poor treatment of you (taking you for granted, that you'd still be there even if he was rude or ignorant to you).

It's a great feeling to be in control versus feeling helpless and confused isn't it?

Enjoy it!!

Anonymous said...

Mirror wrote, “…So it could be that he's been involved with plenty of women and he just didn't do either of the above with any of them. And if so, it's understandable. My guess is, he was severely hurt and/or affected by his divorce or ex wife. I've seen guys do this. To cover that fact, they dive into work and their careers headfirst…”

Well, I’ve met 2 guys within the last couple of months like this. The one, yes, involved with “friends with benefits” after 14 years of being divorced, but not even one girlfriend. (Work is not the issue since he’s retired.) The other, has had girlfriends but never a marriage since his divorce 30 years ago. (He married young – in his 20’s.)

Neither one of these guys strikes me as their divorce hurting them – I think they both wanted out (so they said) although I don’t know all of the circumstances, only their side of things.

It’s refreshing, on one hand, because they don’t strike me as players. But, I would like to be married again one day and I wonder if they are both forever bachelors. They both seem to find things wrong with the people they date. One said, “Well, people put on masks, you know… they lie in the beginning.” Well, yes, I agree, but they can’t find anyone to make it last with after 14 or 30 years of being single?? I know I once heard that some men keep looking for their soul mates, but the truth is, “a soul mate isn’t perfect, just perfect for you” – John Grey. How do I know if they are commitment phobes or perfectionists and I’m just wasting my time? What do you think?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Sounds to me like pain is holding them both back. Men generally don't show the pain they carry like women do and they rarely, if ever, discuss their past hurts with anyone. Doing so would make them weak. That's how men look at that. Which is why it's never a good idea for a woman to share her pain with a man she's dating - because to men, that amounts to "weakness." Men chuck it up, tuck it away, and carry on. So just because it doesn't appear to be there doesn't mean it isn't there, ya' know?

You're not going to be able to tell if they're perpetual bachelors, commitment phobes or perfectionists - until you get to know them better. Which means, casually date them for a while (casual = no sex). That's why it's always a good idea to hold off on sex with a guy early on and spend lots of time around them, getting to know them first.

It takes a long time to truly get to know someone - and before diving in head first, you need to take the time to do so. There's no other way around it.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your list of cons on why you don't think it's a good idea for me to invite the libra guy to Vegas! You listed a couple that I did not consider at all, and it got me thinking and leaning back towards not inviting him.

I'm not really THAT intent on inviting him to begin with; I was momentarily overwhelmed by my fantasies of having a fun time in Vegas that's all. ;)

However, the Vegas trip is a non-issue now because... well, I sort of ended things with him.

I told him that I'm going to be gone for a bit, and I ended it with kisses to reassure him I wasn't mad or turning completely cold.

He immediately texted me back asking the reason and why was I leaving him, with a sadface.

It almost broke my heart; I felt like I was killing a baby panda.

But I've been wanting to get away from this libra guy since last month. I planned to ignore him (do the disappearing act myself), but I caved, which is why this time I decided to TELL him I was disappearing so I'd have to stick to it.

I've tolerated this guy's sweet talk for a while because I secretly enjoy it, but he pissed me off badly over the past month when he:

1) Stopped talking to me for 6 days after that shirt comment, and I had to indirectly prompt him to text me back (I sent an upbeat "happy halloween!" message to his chat messenger).

2) He ignored two of my recent attempts at having an ongoing conversation (I asked him a playful question about his halloween costume and he ignored it, then when I showed him a screenshot of this dessert named after him which I thought was hilarious... he again, made no comment about it not even a "haha"). I *did* ignore one of his questions related to hearts, so maybe he's being immature.

3) Finally when I reciprocated with a kiss and that I missed him, he DISAPPEARED on me for 3 days from Wednesday to Saturday (he has never ever ignored me on a weekday). He texted me back, still semi-sweet in a toned down way, but I was really annoyed by his 3 day disappearance.

However, even with all this, I STILL miss and want to be with him. Ugh. My feelings for him have intensified over the past day, after I initiated the break.

I'm quite clear that I no longer want to talk to him online (unless we have real conversations), but I'm still very curious and slightly hopeful we could work out in person (the optimistic romantic in me). After all, 99% of the things I'm unhappy about have mostly to do with our online communication patterns. I adore him in person.

My question is: Do you think I should reply his text message - the one asking for the reason, and why I was leaving him? And if so, what should I say? Should I wait 3 days to get back to him, since that's how long he ignored me for when I told him I missed him?

The vengeful part of me wants to just leave him hanging without the answers, to make up for all the previous injustices (it makes me feel powerful again)... but another part of me thinks, it's rude and cruel, and if we DO somehow end up back together at some point... he might do the same to me. Or I might end up with another guy who ends up doing it back to me (karma).

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Oh, and, let me add, I don't know how long this "break" will be.

I told him I'd be gone "for a bit", to give me the flexibility to either ignore him for 3 weeks, or 3 months, depending on how I feel.

It's possible that I might realize I don't want him anymore after a month later.

Or I might ignore him until I move there, then pick it back up.

I just want to leave my options opened, and based on that - I am not sure whether I should respond to this text or not.

I've even had thoughts of - if I leave him hanging, it could possibly get him thinking of me more, and if we do see/talk again, he might step it up in terms of effort.

Or the opposite could be true - he gets really pissed off that I left him hanging, and tries to get even with me at a later point.

He has some scorpio in his horoscope chart, so I'm slightly worried about the consequences.

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

I have another update to add:

Libra guy just sent me another text asking me if I was back yet (it's only been A DAY since I told him I was going to be away). I haven't even replied his other text asking for my reason (still don't know what to say).

I feel like an ass for ignoring him, but if I respond I feel like I'm going to get sucked back in.

Maybe I should tell him I need some space and/or time alone to take care of some personal things?

Agh, I just want to forget about him for a long while and take a breather.

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Vivian,
I think I'd leave this one rest for a bit. You don't owe him any explanations and if that upsets him, it doesn't matter. He needs to think about what HE'S done that's made YOU feel the need to take space. And the only way he'll do that is if he's left to wonder about that. Besides, when people do that, after some time passes, the anger they felt subsides. I mean, look at women. When a guy disappears for 3 months and then comes back, do they talk to him again? Yep, they do. And men do the same.

Don't worry about revenge and don't worry about him. He's been rude to you and he's not sitting around worry about it or about you, so don't bother giving him something he's not giving to you.

You take the space you need and you don't worry about him. If it's meant to be, somehow, it will be. Just have faith.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Aphrodite thank you for writing such a thoughtful and well written article. This will be great in my situation if the guy who has been my boyfriend decides to appear again.
basically I am a capricorn woman mid 30's and an aquarius man mid 30's as well. We met online in june and we pretty much chatted for a whole month emailing everyday before our first date. at the time I was dating others and then on our first date, I was weak and probably my first mistake and we had sex, well stay around and decided to be exclusive because he told me he wasn't sleeping or talking with anyone else but me, so we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend. well the relationship has been great, only thing is that he travels a lot for his work because he works for the government so technically we have been 6 actual dates since july, all through out his time away, he would always email me everytime he could because being overseas it wouldn't be everyday but I was always accepting and understanding. he finally came back this past saturday after him being away for almost three months. we saw each other, he took me to a comedy club, then had dinner and of course afterwards we were intimate, then he dropped me off and send me a text telling me I was the best, and that was it, haven't heard from him ever since. he told me he had to go to dc for debriefing and he would be busy, but wouldn't you think you could tell me that on a text? I called him yesterday, emailed, text and no reply. today i woke up so pissed and basically wrote him an email telling him that I didn't appreciate the silent treatment, that if he needed space he could tell me that but not answering and ignoring me was disrespectful and I would not tolerate that. I also told him that if I don't hear from him by tomorrow I will assume that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and if this is a goodbye, that I wish him the best.
did I do the right thing? I know I shouldn't have called or texted but do you think he is going to come back again or was this his cowardly way of braking up? up to this point he was such a gentleman, I honestly thought he was an excellent man and I have never met anyone like him before but now, I feel like a fool.
Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it!

Anonymous said...

Libra woman dating Aries man! I've read the blog (which is great stuff by the way) and almost if not all the post and comments/ feed back! But my storie is that I cannot figure this ninja out! Of course I like him alot, we've been seeing each other for about a month or two now and everything was going great until one weekend he brushed me off by saying that he was going to be working on his car and moving for the rest of the evening and possibly the weekend (is what he typed (blank stare) as I look at the computer screen on fb!We spent every weekend together since we've hooked up but I can read between the lines very well and my thing was if he had something to do or he just didn't want to be bothered for the weekend then just say that! Instead of throwing hints and shyt! So heres where the games begin, because up until this; everything was cool so I thought! After I got off the computer with him, which was Friday evening, I didn't hear back from him until the following evening which was Saturday! See I believe if you like, or feeling someone than you are not going to go a whole damn day without touching bases with your friend! A text or something! So I decided I wasn't going to answer his call and didn't touch back with him until Sunday evening :-) which he then in return didn't answer my call after calling him twice! Than I decided I wasn't going to call him again. Eventually he called and the conversation you could tell had a lil tention to it, I kept it short and didn't bother to mention about the incident. We got off the phone and the next day I didn't call or text him but he saw me on fb just like I saw him! I guess he was expecting me to shoot him a message or something but that didn't happen so he shot me one, asking what I was doing? I told him that I was on the phone and he told me to call him when I get off! After an hour went pass, he sent another message asking was I still on the phone and I replied yes and said hurry off so he could call! So I called him shortly after and we talked but our conversation didn't seem to excitement like it once did before he brushed me off! I like him very much and wish things could be more consistant with him! I'm not the one for games but like you mentioned, men insist that we do this! Damn shame! So my question to you is whats next and what do you take from this situation! We never labled anything but at the same time we doing what we do so go figure this is why I feel the way I do! I want to win him over but at the same time I don't mind feeding his azz with a long handle spoon if he think he gonna put me on the back burner whenever he sees fit! What do you think, help need advice!

Anonymous said...

This is by far the best advice I've found so far, I'm just skeptical as to whether or not it will work in my situation. I started talking to someone about a month and a half ago. It was friendly at first and then the texts and conversations began to spark an interest and mutual liking between him and I. We hung out a few times, he told me he liked me, allot. I told him the same. He would giggle like a school girl after we kissed and all. It was there. We talked about allot of stuff, life experiences etc. Things progressed quickly although I knew he wasn't looking for a girlfriend, we enjoyed spending time together. We also did some sexual things, but not the BIG one. He respected that. His friend passed away a couple weeks into us talking and put a bit of a hold on our "relationship." I understood and let him know I was here if he needed to talk. We continued to talk and things seemed okay, until about a week and a half ago when the texts started slowing down. When I saw this happening, I started making myself a bit more available and initiated nearly every conversation that week. We would text for hours to follow, and he told me he still felt the same about me. He works in the coffee shop in the mall that I also work in, and I used to go in there all the time to grab a cup o' joe and talk to my other friends in there. A friend of mine who works there told me that he told her "I like her, allot, I'm just not looking for a relationship right now. But if I was, it would be her. She's awesome and I love spending time with her." I am now at a stand still because he has not initiated a text in over a week and I think it is because I came on a bit too strong, and made myself too available by asking to hang out. I genuinely enjoyed his company and was fine with what we had going. I wasn't looking for a relationship with him, just yet. But we both agreed at the beginning that we could be something beautiful. eventually. I think I may have turned him off and really don't know how else to redeem myself other than using the "Rubber Band Theory." I am crossing my fingers and toes that by not going into the coffee shop for a couple weeks will make me cross his mind and hopefully, reach out to me. We had an emotional connection and grew trust very quickly, so I already feel sort of wounded. Please help me predict even an ounce of my fate, Mirror of Aphrodite.

-ANON

Anonymous said...

Update from Nov 10th! Ok so after trying the mirror approach and it still worked by the way! He popped up at my house unnanounced of course. I normally would open the door but I didnt this time and he called a friend of mine and told her to tell me it was over he didnt want to talk to me anymore. He asked her to tell me that the same day. Well she told me this was day two of the mirror effect.

Well I stilled waited until day three to contact him. I told him we could talk then but I felt so bad for not letting him in that I told him I was asleep when he came by. Yeah I know I shouldve stood my ground but I didnt. Well long story short we talked it out over lunch. It turned out that he had alot of issues going on that he couldnt explain to me as he was going through them. He told me on top of all these issues I was bringing negativity towards him by thinking everything was about me when he just needed space and time to deal with them. He reasured me that he loved me and that I REALLY had him shook with my actions I laughed in the inside because he became unsure of who I was he said. Now im reading the book 'WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES' I love it! But I am struggling as to what to do next. I dont want to start back being clingy but at the same time we kind of drew a little wedge in between us with this disappearing act we just went through.


I have not been calling him much at all I want to show him that I am changing without telling him. But it gets hard when I pull back some and he hasnt sprung forward. Ok its only been one day since we made up though. So should I continue not calling him and just wait it out? Or can I reach out a little just to show him I still love him? Or do I make him question my love by not doing anything? Help im really confused! Sincerely Anonymous DEE





ooolala said...

This article was absolutely fantastic. I don't know one woman who hasn't gone through this at some point in her life. I'm 23 and I am actually going through it now by my boyfriend but he didn't completly disappear. He told me he has some personal issues going on and needs a few days to get back on track. I can't help but worry about him since he didn't call me like he said he would ( its now been 2 weeks)and because he has an illness. At the same time, living in Ontario, a place thats full of beautiful woman, I sometimes wonder if he just met someone else. I have decided to back off from him completely but I can't help but wonder if everything is ok. My twin sister seems to think I should contact him. Should I call? Please give me your thoughts, Aphrodite.

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