Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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Lady Leo said...: @chk61:

I'm glad you took my comments in the spirit I intended wrote them with. To be more aware to your feelings and true perspective in whatever action you choose to take. No one grows without pain, so I know this shitty situation is making us ALL wonder women!

@Sista T:

Keep on keeping on. At some point, we have to spit out the debris and just move foward regardless of what "he" is doing...or not doing, in our mutual cases.

Here's an update on my thrilling and ever exciting dating life:

Aries man does not stimulate me on any level. He is nice and def into me, but he is somewhat flaky and inconsistent. Says he rarely drinks alcohol, yet texts me from bars saying his friends are trying to "get me drunk". He is 47 ffs! Total turn off. I am ignoring him, and it's best for each of us. He has no dating skills and I'm not his teacher. All these aries men I'm meeting and there is just nothing good going on.

Few days ago, got a wink from a virgo firefighter. His profile pic was his "calendar" photo. You know, those hot, sexy hard body calendars for charity that FF's do. This guy's ego but be 10 feet tall to put that pic on a major dating site profile. Yeah, his arrogance matched his flat abs. He writes how he has "9% body fat".LOL..but "is humble". Umm hmmm...long story short, in his second email to me he made an inappropriate "sexual fantasy" comment to me. He is 41 freaking years old for fart's sake!! I put him in his place and dude did NOT like it. Poor boy, anyone who has to put his semi nude body for all the world to see clearly has an ego problem and wants women to drool over him. I'm sure he gets plenty of that so my denying him his ego stroke won't hurt him for long. :P

It's been a week since I emailed the Sag and the dude still hasn't read the email. I am accepting this is exactly the way the universe wants it to be. So it's all good.

Yesterday I met the tallest, cutest high school principal. We met in a professional capacity so I couldn't really make personal convo, especially since colleagues were present, but....he did stretch out our meeting way longer than it needed to be and he seemed a bit fun and flirty to me ;) Don't know his sign but I will be back in his office Friday so you know I'm gonna figure it out!

Happy Wednesday all!; April 17, 2013 at 7:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Well ladies, we've hit the 2000 mark on the comments on this post today. Madame X, you would be number 2000, LOL ;-)

I know some of you are backsliding a bit, I'm following your situations, and I know that many are also having mixed feelings again, however, this too shall pass. Once you've come so far, it's not wise to willingly set yourself back so just keep that in mind and don't make any moves if you feel that you're not yet strong enough to handle any possible negative repercussions from.

I should also mention that due to the number of comments now coming into the site daily, I am no longer able to respond to each and every single one. Additionally, I'm getting many questions asked in the comments on other posts here on the site that have already been answered in the posts themselves (indicating that folks are not reading the entire article). I do not wish to keep repeating myself in the comments, LOL, and also wish for folks to read the entire articles as I spend much time compiling my thoughts in them and it is necessary to read the entire article to grasp the concept discussed. So it is my hope that some non-response on some of the articles and comments on the site will prompt folks to read and grasp what is said.

I'm still here and I will be responding to serious inquiries and also to the topics that I feel will generate positive, quality discussion that may also help guide others. You ladies keep supporting one another as you are. I encourage you to do so as that's always been my main goal with this community.

Keep up the good work ladies. You're all growing stronger day by day ;-); April 17, 2013 at 9:12 AM
chk61 said...: @Lady Leo:
Sounds like you are really getting out there with online dating. Yeah, Aries man sounds like too much work. And LOL re: the firefighter and his abs! For various reasons I don't have a photo up on my profile which means, of course, no one writes to me. I initially wrote to my disappearing man and after he responded to my letter, sent him my photos. So since I started off being the one who made the first move (which I think in online dating is actually OK - once you meet, however, THEY must pursue) perhaps the whole thing started off on the wrong foot. I am still loathe to post my photos (I have a bit of a public personality, without going into greater detail). At some point I will have to bite the bullet and do it as three of my friends are now dating quality men they met online.

As to "tapping" my disappearing guy...still haven't done it. I'm listening to my gut, weighing the pros and cons. Now I'm asking myself: why would I even want him at my event? Then I think, if he came to my event, it would be great practice for me to just do my thing, and not worry who is there and what they might think. Why let this one man's disappearance and/or opinion of me (and I don't know what that is, except that he has chosen to not contact me in two months) affect me in any way? Maybe this could be a GOOD thing.

Or maybe not. So I'll sit on it for a couple more days and let my intuition be the guide. So far, I'm staying in No Contact and clearing out the cob webs for new men to come into my life.; April 17, 2013 at 9:16 AM
Sista'Taurus said...: @Madame X

Haha,aww that's so sweet of you,thank you!I am familiar with the site and I did check it that morning haha.

Still no word from him,it's like,he mentioned he wanted to talk and now he's all silent.I hope he's figuring out what to say.Oh well,I'm off to the gym ladies.

Shine bright like diamonds ladies!Hugs!; April 17, 2013 at 2:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA! Great article! I actually read most of the comments and found that my situation is pretty similar. I'm a 40yr old Taurus woman dealing with a 39yr old Sagittarius man/joker. lol We've been seeing each other since mid Nov 2012 and he has pulled the old Abracadabra move on me a couple times and of course I reached out. smh But it took me a few days to do so cause so damn stubborn. lol Now, I have implemented this 30 day rule that you talked about in another posted and its only been about 7 days (I'm kinda losing my patience but I'll make to the finish line). lol Anyway, can you give me any insight on these type of men? And how to deal with them? Thanks!

Sexxi B.; April 17, 2013 at 2:47 PM
Madame X said...: Yayyyy! I hit the 2000 mark, huh? Cool...! LOL ;) Good reading, and good luck to all who 'reads'/comments on this site. And Mirror, you're the bomb!; April 17, 2013 at 2:49 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Sista Taurus, Lady Leo, Chk61, Ms. Mirror and all,

Thanks for your comments. I've been reading yours with interest and support. We all backslide at times. It sucks, but I think of it as having to go back for some reason to relearn something I didn't completely learn the first time, or second, or third time... and sometimes I have to go back until practice becomes knowledge.

It's the same as going back to re-read Ms. Mirror's articles; I can't count the number of times I've gone over them. Sometimes I think I've "got it," and then I find myself feeling like I've gotten nowhere.

Lady Leo, I hear you re: not using Scorpio to fill Virgo's place. But, I think it was the other way around. I think when Virgo reappeared in January, I was substituting with him -- and practicing the teachings of Ms. Mirror.

Since I last texted Virgo and didn't respond to his "honey" calls, he has completely backed off of my cell and home phone. His communication is now hello's and work related stuff thru work im's. And I'm good with it. He exhausted me. If I think about him and his internal struggles, I feel bad for him. But I can't be on the receiving side of it.

Soooo, talk about manipulation and backsliding... I've done my part with that this week too...

- Continued -; April 17, 2013 at 7:29 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued...

The bombing in Boston has really been upsetting (I live in MA), and I was just there with Virgo a couple weeks ago... my feelings of "my world could end tomorrow" pushed me over the line to contact Scorpio.

I said in my last post that I wanted to tap him, to see what I'd get, and it wouldn't go away. Yes, I was initiating, and Yes, I was cognizant that I had to be careful not to "drive," but I also felt I was able to keep an equal balance with whatever happened.

So, one week after his initiating text to me where it was very casual and respectful, I sent a text last night> Hi. Maybe its Boston, but it's important to me to tell you that I smile inside when I remember your grin, outlook and comfort.

Scorpio responded almost immediately> Thank you. I was just thinking of you. I miss you too.

I waited 20 minutes and sent him a pic I had of him on his bike @ my house> pic for your new phone G'night

24 minutes later (Scorpio mirror's amazingly!)> Was hoping it was a pic of you. You still get to me. gdnite.

I didn't respond. And I don't think I will (although I thought of sending him an everyday pic of me to him tonight -- but nope, too soon, and not sure on that one.) I am not going to 'drive' this, I think he is waiting for me to invite him over. It's not going to happen. I am waiting for him to ask me out. I think this is my giving him an opportunity to prove himself, just as I did for Virgo. If he takes it and does, then great, we'll see where it goes. If he doesn't, then he's not who I want or need in my life.

I'll take the 'being alone and happy and dealing with episodes of wishing I was sharing life with a man' over being in a relationship that drains me and feels like crap most of the time. lol

Congrats Ms. Mirror to reaching 2K comments with this article!; April 17, 2013 at 8:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror:

I just want to thank you for all of the advice. I followed it to a "T" and everything has worked out wonderfuly. (LADIES..listen to mirror - she knows what she's talking about!! I've had my share of heartaches and I got the "gentleman" this time. Who knows if it would of worked out this way had I "put out in 3 weeks", which is usually what men are used to...) Just to refres... this is what you told me and I did everything that you stated to do:

When sex comes up, avoid the subject. They go there to hurry that action along. Don't let them. Pace it out, change the subject. If he says, @Anonymous,
Well, here's the thing. Most, if not all, men go into dating with the idea it's "casual." Women look for relationships and find sex. Men look for sex and find relationships. In otherwords, no man really feels committment is for him - until it sneaks up on him. So things should always start casual and even if you're looking for a relationship, don't tell them that. Say, "I'm exploring my options and whatever happens, happens." They drop their guard then.

Do I think 3 months is good to hold out for sex? Yes and no. If you're seeing each other once a month, no, too soon. If you're seeing each other 3 times a week, maybe sooner would be ok. It really should be dates and not months (8-9 dates before things start to heat up.)

Personally, I don't believe any one should assume their in an exclusive relationship unless:

1.) HE has brought up the exclusivity talk and is asking for a committment from YOU (men usually bring this up at the 2.5 month point if you play it cool and they really like you.)
2.) HE tells you he loves you (usually around the same time, the 2.5 month point).

Then and only then can you begin to think "relationship" with a man. If that isn't happening, just assume he's dating others because he probably is. And you'll notice, all these things line up to about the same time frame, 2.5 to 3 months. This is why it's important for the WOMAN to pace the relationship. Don't dive in head first, don't be available all the time, don't jump into bed right away and space out the dates. Doing that gives a guy room to breath, he doesn't feel he's being fast tracked into a relationship and the woman doesn't feel she's being fast tracked into the bedroom. It's a bit of a dance, but when timed right, everything comes together around the same time both are ready to take these steps together.

So if it's paced at say, one date a week, then two to 2.5 months into it, you're hovering around the 8-10 date mark. If he's still hanging in there, he's serious. If he bails, he was seeking sex and you dodged a bullet.

So my question is - now it's been 3 months and I'm sure there is a second phase to all of this. We've exchanged the "I love yous", we are committed. What should I/ should I not do in this next phase? Is it ok to text him now first? (but not everyday, of course.)Can I suggest dates (as in.. do you want to come over and I'll fix dinner tomorrow?) How often should I expect him to call me? I hear from him everyday,but sometimes it's just texting... is that to be expected? i was kind of annoyed with it today (all this going back and forth), so I just asked if he could call me, which he did (and he didn't seem to mind).

Thank you mirror!! My life has changed and I'm sooo happy!! And the original guy which brought me here to this website is only but a faint memory now. I've got the real deal!

Love,

Lonnie; April 17, 2013 at 8:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonnie,
Yes, you can begin to make invites and you can initiate communication - BUT only sporadically. If you turn and jump on this man and you swing the balance of power to the point that it topples, it could blow up. It's a very subtle dance :-)

If you only hear from him via text and not a phone call everyday, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Men still like to have a feeling of freedom and independence when in a relationship so it's wise to give it to them in order to make them happy.

It's not so much who does what that matters here as much as it's the "energy" exchange that's important. Meaning, you remain feminine (submissive) and he remains masculine (leads). You can swap that around like I said, but ONLY from time to time. Do not attempt to "control" this or steer the wheel now that you've got him. Keep the balance of power in place and keep the positive energy exchange in place as well and all should be fine :-); April 18, 2013 at 8:48 AM
chk61 said...: @Gemini50 -

I live near where the bombings occurred as well. Words cannot express how very, very upsetting this is. An unspeakable crime. Anyway, I did consider this when I thought about "tapping" the guy (I was going to say "my guy" but I realize how incorrect that would be!) I've wondered if he may use this as an excuse to get in touch with me, but he has not. He has pre-teen children so he may be consumed with explaining the tragedy to them. Yet, if he was thinking of me at all, he could conceivably choose this time to get in touch...he hasn't. Of course, I have no idea what the future holds.

I've sat on it for a few days now. I'm still healing from an injury that will take months. Yes, I have this event I could invite him to as an ice-breaker. What I decided upon reflecting was that bringing this man back into my life at this time via a "tap" is not a great idea. He is an adult who chose to fade away with no explanation which apparently he felt was the best way to go. I'm sure I would get a friendly response if I "tapped" but I am not at all sure he would want to see me. I have no idea if he could come to my event and I really am not sure I would even want him there after all this time!

Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind but right now it seems there is no point of me sticking my neck out for this man. I harbor no ill will towards him, it just is what it is. He knows where to find me.

Right now I am going to stay in No Contact, and focus on healing for myself and for my city.; April 18, 2013 at 1:32 PM
Madame X said...: You're welcome Sista'Taurus. :D I love that site, I check it all the time.

@ Gemini 50, you're from MA? Me too... bon (born) and raised they'uh! LOL In FL now though for the past 8 years. It is so sad what happened in boston. :'(; April 18, 2013 at 2:36 PM
Anonymous said...: I am a 38 year old Taurus woman and exchanged emails with a 49year old Aries man on a dating site last sat day. He initiated the contact. Both of us are single. He is polite in his communication. He took my ph no and asked me what is the good time to contact. I told him evenings after work. So he texts me every day at 9.20pm asking me how my day was etc etc. I don't initiate any chats except for one time when I slept off early and saw his text next morning and answered him the afternoon. I have noticed last 2 days the texting takes a subtle sexual tone. I cut it down and told him this is not done as we haven't even met. He is behaving now. But he hasn't asked me out yet. I am wondering what's going on. Weekend is approaching and I thought he would ask to meet but not yet. I am thinking of not to accept the date if he asks me out this weekend because it is already thurs evening. I need advice on whether it is ok to date some one who is 11 years older to me and should I meet him if he asks me out. My query may be silly but I am a little confused.; April 18, 2013 at 6:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous April 18, 6:17PM,
No, if he hasn't asked you for a date 3 days in advance, you're busy (whether you are or not). If you accept, he'll do that to you from that day forward - take you for granted to be available for last minute date requests.

He may be one of those guys simply looking for a text buddy to sext with and/or he may be dating others as well. When dating online, you have to accept that both men and women are also actively dating others as well.; April 18, 2013 at 7:34 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Hey Chk61 and Madame X, Too funny that we're Massholes and proud of it! ;)

After my post last night, Scorpio txt re: the photo of him I sent the night before. (This is out of the Tuesday schedule we've been doing since mid-March.) He was cute, but our phones were messing up, both not sending mssgs. Eventually, I fell asleep.

Then I was awaken with a start @ 11 by a loud ping from my cell announcing a mssg. This was odd since all sound shuts off @ 10 (so I must have been dreaming it). I checked the cell, and it had three mssgs from Scorpio between 10:03 and 10:27.

I sent him a quick txt explaining I just rec'd the mssgs and needed to go back to sleep because early rise in AM.

He responded immediately with a> gdnite.

So, a little change in behavior. We'll see if it continues. I am sure he is looking for the old "sleep-over invite," but that is not going to happen. It's interesting for me to see what, if anything, happens next.

Thanks Ms. Mirror, I'm going to keep re-reading! And I just started the How to Spot a Liar book... so far it sounds good. ;); April 18, 2013 at 8:39 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA Apr 18 at 7:34PM

Thanks MOA. He texted early today at 7.30pm to ask how my day was and whether I was at home. I had gone to watch a movie yesterday and he was curious to know whether it was a date. I laughed it off and didnt answer so I guess he was checking today :)Red flag again is when I asked whether he got back home he said he just came out of a shower..lol. I just ignored that statement.

He said he has a training over the weekend. He is a fitness instructor so maybe they attend training courses over the weekend. I just texted ok. I would like to know when is the good time to break off this never ending texting business and stop responding to his texts? I am not looking for someone who just wants to text me.This is the 6th day since we started texting so may be too early to take a decision. What is the best way to put a stop..just don't respond to texts? Any insight would help. Thanks; April 18, 2013 at 9:01 PM
June said...: Hi MOA,
I have been following this blog for less than a month and have learned tremendously about the games men play and how to effectively handle those. I wish people were honest and straightforward; life would be so much fun!

There are a lot of queries about disappearing-reappearing act,I have one too, if you could answer. :-)

I met a guy online, talked on phone for a little over one week and then went out on the first date. Our phone conversations were pretty nice. He sounded simple,honest guy. The date wasn't fixed in advance since the guy mentioned that he doesn't like to decide things in advance. I did not put enough brain into that and thought if he called and asked for a date on the fly, and if I'm not free I won't go. He called me on a weekend and said he was going to meet a friend in my city so if I was free he could see me too.
I had some free time so I agreed to meet him.(weekend previous to this one I declined his date invite since I was busy).

The first date was supposed to be a coffee date but he insisted on extending it to dinner. I stayed longer to see if he was worth a second date, in case he asked for one. As usual like any other guy he was trying to learn about me,and a bit about my friends and my family. He talked about his too. Over all he seemed to be pleasant personality,and I felt there was some chemistry but what turned me off a bit was he wasn't well groomed(but he fitted into some of my other criteria) . At the end of the first date he asked for a second one. Although I wasn't very sure I thought of giving him another chance. I told him to decide on the second date over the phone later.

2nd week- Texting once in a while and a couple of calls during the week continued. On the phone calls he would talk about stuff to impress me(not too much flirting though), as well as some deep meaningful talk. And then again he asked me for a second date on the fly which I declined since I was busy,and also I did not like his late night (since I told him I was not free until late night) date idea. I felt he had absolutely nothing to do so he wanted to hang out with me late in the night.

3rd week -Fewer calls and texts during the week although I got a call and a message on my birthday. I remember one conversation on phone, digging very deep into what I thought about several things including him. I said what I really felt -I said ' I think you're a nice guy and I enjoy talking to you.We can continue with our conversation and dates to know more about each other see where it goes.' I texted him later during the weekend to check what happened to his date plans and no response . wtf man! over a month no response.

1.MOA what do you think happened to this dick-head? :-)
2. I think men and women both usually like to look good and clean,dress up well when they go out on date…is it a red flag if a person just walks in without caring much about their looks ,no perfume,bad breath blah blah ?
3.Over all I felt this guy was a bit of a mess -looking at his car,the way he showed up for the date,and his impromptu date plans.Do you think so too?
4. I'm quite organized ,planned, and very well settled for a person of my age. People usually sense it when they meet and talk to me. Not sure if these things scared him off. Although the guy was very well read and smart in certain sense.

Thank you !

June; April 19, 2013 at 3:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Excellent! One word of caution as just an FYI moving forward - never fall into a position of having to "answer/explain" to a man.

Meaning, never feel you need to explain yourself to a man or that you have to answer to a man - before any type of commitment is in place (it's a giveaway to them that they can begin to require this of you all the time).

Example:

". . .it had three msgs from Scorpio between 10:03 and 10:27.

I sent him a quick text explaining I just rec'd the msgs and needed to go back to sleep because early rise in AM."

That's you "answering" to him and explaining why you're not available - it's too "nice" LOL ;-) And when men sense too "nice," many attempt to take advantage of that. Men view extreme "niceness" as extreme "weakness." Sucks, but it's truth.

So don't be too nice to this guy. Remember, he too disappeared on you. He too hurt you and caused you despair and pain. He doesn't deserve that type of respect from you yet, nor has he done anything to prove that he's earned it.

So in the future, look at your phone, read the messages, smile - and set the phone down and go back to bed without explaining yourself. Let HIM WONDER about you. Let HIM wonder where you are, who you're with and what you're doing that you're not answering. That's what makes a man THINK about you ;-)

The next day, you simply pick up the conversation where it left off, no explanations offered. If he asks for one or questions the situation, you simply tell him the truth, "I was tired and I fell asleep." And nothing more.

Not "nice" - "prickly/scarce/playful teasing" - give him what he wants, which is a challenge, a run for his money and a woman that stimulates him and his mind. That's what will hold his interest. ;-)

Game face on girl - you got a slippery one here, game face ON, LOL ;-)

Hut one (prickly), hut two (scarce), hut three (playful teasing). . . BALL!; April 19, 2013 at 8:25 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 18, 9:01 PM,
There's no magic with regards to that. When you've had enough, you simply cease responding is all. And he'll either increase his attempts or he'll disappear and move on to greener pastures (i.e. a more willing victim, LOL).; April 19, 2013 at 8:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @June,
"MOA what do you think happened"

I think he realized you were serious and he'd have to work at this - but he's not serious and he's treating dating like a sport. He wants free and easy "hook ups" not a relationship.

"is it a red flag if a person just walks in without caring much about their looks ,no perfume,bad breath blah blah?"

Yes, to me it's an indicator of an inflated ego and a sense of over confidence. (Meaning, "I don't have to attempt to impress a woman, THEY need to impress ME.) It's disrespectful.

"Do you think so too?"

I think he's a lazy man treating dating like a sport, a numbers game, and he's seeking free and easy sex and hook ups, not a relationship.

"Not sure if these things scared him off."

It wasn't that anything scared him off, it was that he sensed he wasn't going to be able to manipulate you into bed immediately, as was his intention with a second date invitation that read much like a "late night hook up."; April 19, 2013 at 8:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, Gemini50, Sista´Taurus, Vivian and everybody else!
I am following your stories and am still learning. From Mirror as well as from your experience. Mirror´s previous response to Gemini5o applies to me so much! I always politely answer the man´s questions and explain everything so as not to hurt his feelings although he doesn´t care to do the same. Yes, it´s wrong, wrong, wrong. When you behave like that, men take you for granted and simply play with you. In general, I am not an envious person but I envy a little the women who have an innate talent to deal with men. I´ve never been good at it and I have to learn everything step by step like many others here and I am very grateful to Mirror for her advice!
E.g. her NC advice - it works absolutely. At least in my case. Maybe you remeber my story - went out with a disrespectful player and finally, with Mirror´s support - dumped him on the telephone. Started dating new men - with zero success, btw.:-( Well, guess what has happened? I can´t believe it but the player has contacted me after a few weeks of absolute non-communication. I let him slip out of my mind because I thought I would never hear from him again. So he contacts me a few days ago writing a text that he isn´t angry with me anymore and that he thinks that we could continue going for walks. Going for walks was our way of dating, we were more or less friends, nothing intimate.
So what I was going to say by this? That NC works. Even though he was dumped, he started thinking, like Mirror says, and eventually decided to contact me. I´ve been thinking about his invitation for a few days now. At first I had a temptation to say yes but I think I will listen to what Mirror would say. He was disrespectful and his personality traits can´t have changed in a few weeks. Do I want to feel like I felt with him before? Certainly not. So I won´t respond and continue in my effort to find a new man. Hopefully, I´ll be able to stick to my decision. Because yes, it´s tempting, I have some weak moments too, especially when there´s nobody else, just a walk, nothing more... But I don´t want to feel those emotions of not knowing what he means, wants, if he´s sincere or not... Never more, he´s already had his chance.
I wish everyone here all the best, I am happy that the women here share their stories and I can learn from them as well. Best regards, HopefulWithMen; April 19, 2013 at 2:18 PM
Anonymous said...: dear mirror,
the man has returned.wtf after a month he texts me hey how you been
.hes this guy i met on line.weve text here and there.but hes a disapearer.i really think he is cute but dang wat is he keeping me for.he hasnt even asked me on,a date but puts me on a string .oh but when he wants to text me he does.i seriously forgot about this guy because i really thought it wasnt going anywhere.but all of a sudden here he is.i think i should wait a month to text ?should i are will that be pushing it?
and thank you for all your advice and help .youve really helped me with the ways of men.; April 19, 2013 at 3:35 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA - the statement you mentioned earlier is so true - when men sense too "nice," many attempt to take advantage of that. Men view extreme "niceness" as extreme "weakness." Sucks, but it's truth.

But when being nice is one's nature, how does one change it? We grew up learning to be nice and not rude ;); April 19, 2013 at 3:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous, April 19, 3:59PM,
You still have free will dear. And you should also have a survival instinct as well. You're not helpless, you have the skills to look out for yourself. In this world sweetie, you either adapt and evolve to survive...or you get eaten alive.

Choice is yours ;-); April 19, 2013 at 4:51 PM
VirgoPal said...: HopefulWithMen-

I say stick to your guns! Men like that don't change very quickly. If he is really interested, he will contact you multiple times and want to start over. However, I think if I remember correctly, your guy was very insecure and treated you like an option. He probably is lonely right now. If you do give him another chance, do it on your terms. Ask yourself what you want to get out of the "relationship" if anything. In my experience second chances just doesn't work especially within a short time frame. You will always wonder which version is real and why they came back. Usually they are lonely and are looking for anyone that will talk to them.; April 19, 2013 at 5:15 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Chk61,
I am in Western MA, so not in the midst of Boston's shut down. If you are there, I hope you are ok.

@ Ms. Mirror,
Oh my gosh, you are right. Ugh! I WAS explaining and being too nice. F! ;)

I woke up startled, felt bad I left Scorpio hanging, and responded. I didn’t realize what position that could put me in with him until you pointed it out. Thanks!

I think part of my problem is (subconsciously maybe, I am not sure): being nice serves my need to feel my personal world is nice (safe). And if that means that I create safety (real or perceived) by initiating kindness, then that’s what I do. (Because now, I can.)

But I see what I did wrong here. My kindness needs to be earned before being given to a man, ESPECIALLY one that disappeared for 3 months -- oh, what a silly woman I am! (shaking my head) lol

The good news is: if Scorpio expected me to match his next-night text by contacting him last night, I didn’t. And I have no plans to. I shared what I wanted to say to him in my tap. I’m good.

I may have gone a little off course, but I'm still on the road to taking care of myself and holding strong to expectations: if a man wants me, he is going to have to prove himself first.

That is, as long as I have these reality checks to get me back on track until my practice becomes successful and second nature -- thank you for your coaching Ms. Mirror. You are wonderful!

Hugs!; April 19, 2013 at 5:19 PM
Lady Leo said...: Happy Saturday everyone,

I've enjoyed reading of everyone's experiences here, both good and bad. We are ALL growing regardless!!

Here is my update:

Aries man: The more I ignore him, the more he tries. LOL. I waited hours to respond to his simple "Hi text, with my own "Hi" back. Next morning he sends an apology for having fallen asleep and not responded. He asked if he could call to apologize! As it was 8 am and I was getting ready for work, I declined so he texted it. I'm pulling away more and more because he just doesn't interest me. Too ingratiating, lacking confidence and boring.

The high school principal: Ahhhhh, he is a cute one. We've exchanged a few, playful bantering emails, however it's still very professional due to our new business deal just getting under way. (My job is to negotiate a partnership with his school). So I have to tread carefully. But boy, is he a fun one!

Sag man: He finally read the email reply after 8 days. He read the prior email to. And that's it! Nothing else has happened! I still think of him, it's just less so and I am grateful. It's nice to be open to other men now.

That's it. Keep taking care of yourselves, ladies!!; April 20, 2013 at 8:18 AM
Anonymous said...: @VirgoPal
Thank you for your nice words of support. You´re right, I also think he doesn´t have any other options and is bored at the moment, so as you say I´ll try to "stick to my guns." Maybe I would meet him if I had other men "in store" but right now I don´t want to risk losing my newly found peace of mind.

@Gemini50
I identify with your longiness for kindness in order to have a "kind world". However, like Mirror has said repeatedly, men associate too much kindness with boredom, or even worse, with weakness. Instead of a "relationship" they just want to play like little boys and sadly, a typical kind woman isn´t a challenging enough partner for them. I am the same as you in this respect and I am trying hard to absorb this fact, be more playful, not take the man too seriously, and act accordingly. It´s not so easy though.

I wish you all the very best.
HopefulWithMen; April 20, 2013 at 12:20 PM
Lovingme said...: Hi Mirror. Here we go again...>:-/

Well after my little slip up, I had no intentions of contacting him again until he took the first step. As I mentioned he followed up with contact which kinda suprised me & he followed up again as he said he would, so last week I met with him because I figured eh, what the hell, he's made several attempts so I was comfortable with seeing him.

We didn't meet for a long time, about an hour & a half just talking. He shared some really personal things with me that he was going through & even cried a little. I offered my comfort to him because I just hate it when someone cries in front of me, regardless to who it is...I gave him a hug. After the hug he kissed me twice on the cheek & held my hand, which also surprised me because I was just expecting the hug to be it.

So we chatted a little while longer, nothing emo on my part, just light & friendly, you know catching up on each other's lives. He was being extra attentive toward me, asked if we can go out on Wed. & asked me if he can give me a call in the morning, I said it was ok to both requests & he gave me another kiss, barely touching my lips, but it was a cheek kiss. This was last Sunday.

When I get home he calls me, we chatted for about 2 min & then he asks me if he can come stay the night. I said no & that now is not a good time for that. Now I thought he wanted sex or something but he's NEVER asked to stay the night before & we have had sex without him staying overnight, so I ruled that out. I have NO plans of having sex with him btw, so that's completely out.

Now the next day comes, when he was supposed to call me. Nothing. Wednesday rolls around, nothing. So at this point I'm pissed & I DO NOT contact him & I don't plan to. He's going cold again. Why do you suppose that is? Do you think that it could be that I'm giving him attention again, so he thinks that he has me again? I kinda believe that. Also I was thinking that he is trying to pay me back for blowing him off before, &/or he's not contacting because he's trying to build attraction again? I don't know, but what I DO know is that I will not contact him, & when he decides to show his face again (which I'm sure he will) I will ignore. Jeeeeeez...smh. :(; April 21, 2013 at 7:59 PM
chk61 said...: hi ya'll:

Well, my resolve ran out and over the weekend I "tapped" my guy with an email. After the horrific events of last week, I felt like "life is short, what the heck have you got to lose?"

So I sent him the invite to my event with a very brief greeting. He responded two hours later with "Hey. I was just thinking of you and was actually going to ask when...(my event was - this is MY edit for privacy reasons). "I thought I had remembered April. I might very well be able to make it!" (he said some other personal stuff here I have also edited for privacy reasons). "Hope all is well otherwise. Hope to see you Saturday."

Wow, I am kind of shocked actually. It seems I may be right that he hasn't met anyone that he's seriously involved with, otherwise I don't think he'd be coming to my event on a Saturday night! And now I'm a little nervous that he may be coming to my event but this will good practice for me to calm down, he's just another human being trying to make his way through life, he has no affect on me.

Phew. Alright, so he may show up. It's OK, I can handle it. I've handled much worse.; April 22, 2013 at 11:14 AM
Lovingme said...: Also to add to my first paragraph, I always waited like 2 hours or so to call back. Before the drunk incident, I waited a day to return his call, & he seemed to be following up so nicely as promised, again I figured I was comfortable seeing him...humph, but to my surprise.; April 22, 2013 at 1:30 PM
Confused said...: Hi Mirror..I left a message for you on dumper dumpee article on 12th April. I have been checking for your reply ever since..Should I be posting here instead? Please see..I am still NC.; April 22, 2013 at 4:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
Are you seeing what I'm seeing here in his response?

"Hey. I was just thinking of you and was actually going to ask when.."

He was THINKING about YOU and he was going to CONTACT YOU ;-)

When/if he shows up, you need to act blase' and play cool here. The fact that you disappeared and used no contact was bringing him back around to you - so you need to remain slightly distanced if you intend to draw him towards you. If you act too eager during this encounter or you start making suggestions or hints at getting together, he could bolt again.

So get a bit of your bitch on (Babe In Total Control of Herself) at this event and stand strong, confident and slightly aloof ;-); April 22, 2013 at 5:21 PM
chk61 said...: hi MOA:

Yes, I did of course see that. It crossed my mind that he might have just been saying that to sort of take any pressure off of himself (for disappearing!), and who knows, maybe he would NOT have contacted me. He knew my event was in April (I told him back in January) and gee, April is almost over so....when in fact was he "going to ask when my event was". LOL. If in fact he was going to contact me (which remains debatable), then I kind of which I held out a bit longer! Oh well...

I am going to have other friends and even other interested men at this event (but of course, I don't like any of them!). He will be just one of many people there. I certainly will not give him any special attention other than a friendly hello and some brief banter. NO WAY will I suggest any type of get together, that will have to come from him.

He did ask a couple of questions in his email, so I was going to wait until tonight to respond (24 hours later....) or I guess I could wait until tomorrow.

Thanks for your coaching, MOA!; April 22, 2013 at 5:34 PM
Lady Leo said...: @chk61:

I am actually glad you sent the tap, not cus you got a nice reply, but so you could get it out of your system. even though you are very nervous to possibly see him (I can feel it through my computer LOL), you CAN handle it. And I totally agree with MOA...lean very, very far back if you should see him there.

Treat him as if he is just another guest. Nothing more, nothing less. give him no more special attention than you would the rotor rooter man :); April 22, 2013 at 5:36 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Chk61, Whoo-hoo! Good luck!

@ Ms. Mirror, I have a question: You advise Chk61 not to "act too eager or start making suggestions or hints at getting together." Is that NEVER?"

Scorpio initiated contact March 5. He then text again 3 wks later and I responded, saying I'd respond 2 wks later. We've been texting the past 3 weeks 1x a week. He hasn't initiated us getting together. IF he contacts me again (he hasn't since my "awoken text" last Wednesday), I want to ask him, "Are we going to just keep texting, or are you going to ask me out?" Would this be a no-no? Would this be me driving? I do not want that.

Ugh, also here's some freaken' info showing that I am a TOTAL f'n sap! Even after all that crap w/Virgo and my resolve to add space, I still have a ticket to fly out to his place early May for a concert and was thinking, "Hey, I can do this as friends," while keeping the daily distance between us.

Virgo text me on Saturday "hey." I text him back 2 hrs later with a "hi," and I received no response. Virgo text me on Sunday morning with a "hello" and I responded 20 minutes later with a "good morning." I received no response.

Today he I-m'd me a 'good morning' at work, and I did the same, adding, "I responded to you a couple times this weekend, without a response."

He responded saying he didn't do much, was enjoying the weather, having a lazy weekend and took his car out for a drive.

I felt like I had been punched in the chest. The best I could do for myself was not respond and delete the i-m trail. Why did he text me in the first place if he wasn't going to respond? Now thinking about it, I recall your example of boys in the playground hitting the girls, running and expecting them to run after them. No f'n way!

And here I was thinking I might still go out there... I am so angry with myself as well as with him.

I called the online travel site, found out what I'll be losing in $. I was tempted to vent on him, have a fit about $, but this time listened to myself: "don't do it, he's not worth it, and it's not that much $ to split the loss... the $ would be used just to give me the upper hand for arguments sake anyway."

I have until 1 hr before the flight to cancel to have about 1/2 the cost credited thru airlines. I have decided to not give him any indication of my plans. Let him f'n think about it and worry about it, because he is, believe me. I think his action is to force my hand in saying I'm not coming because he doesn't want to tell me not to because he's a f'n coward!

But I have to wonder WTF is wrong with ME? I need to figure out why I cannot accept that this guy and many guys are just selfish self-centered egotistical people who don't give a F about anyone but themselves. I need to understand why I can't get it thru my head in order to stop allowing them to hurt me.

And it doesn't hurt in the sense, "I am madly in love with this person, etc." It hurts because it feels like they are doing it with pure callous and no consideration for my feelings. It's the intention that is devastating (if that makes sense.)

Ugh, I guess it's just a period of more testing right now... and it f'n sucks!

I have all positive stuff written on my kitchen blackboard wall, but tonight I wrote a line from a new country song (can't remember artist), "I'm about to get my pissed-off on." Man, it felt good to put it in writing and see it up there!

I am so tired of other people's shix!

Sorry for venting.; April 22, 2013 at 7:55 PM
KK said...: Hello again Mirror and everyone else reading this, any advice or thoughts on my situation would be greatly appreciated as I'm suffering from a little bout of confusion right now. This is in regards to my last posts from April 18th and 19th in the thread How, What, When to text Men http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/09/how-what-when-to-text-men.html
I have been reading through each article and obtaining as much info as possible on my own without the 'repetitiveness' that MOA speaks of :) I have employed the NC rule and today is day 7. On day 4 (usually when rubberband man appears - which he did; old habits die hard)I received a text, my response was silence. The next day I received two more messages from this man - you can read my original post to see what was said. Again, I did not respond. He pursued for 2 days, then was 'off' for 2, now 3 days. During that time however he was super 'active' via social media, I still can see most of his 'stuff' but have restricted it so it will not be the first thing that pops onto my screen, I have also restricted his access to my own page(limited anyway). He 'updated' his status numerous times(about his whereabouts, activities, etc) uploaded pictures, etc. I know this is his way of trying to garner some attention(from me or others)and can sense this is also his way of trying to 'pull' me back in. I did not and will not fall for it. I have become scarce and have followed each 'step' or precaution, and I have also read each experience/story and refer to each thread/article daily as I find it only helps me during this and makes me feel more secure and strong, instead of feeling 'panicky' and insecure, i'm grateful for that and for everyone who has contributed here.
Now back to my 'confusion'.. I also feel like this man having those two 'off' days is a test, for me to pursue him - not happening. I understand the mirroring effect and did consider using it (It took him 4 days to contact me, it would take me 4 days to respond) Correct? Anything he does, you do it right back! Today would have been the day to do that, however I chose not to(considering the situation and the inconsistency)My gut tells me that would have only fed his ego and would have put me back to square one somewhat. I believe this man needs more 'quiet time' :)
I'm taking everything into consideration (NC - 30 days, mirroring, etc) I also read about the phrases or what to look for when he is pursuing/contacting you again, things like: "How are you?" (genuine interest) "I'd like to talk to you" or anything that shows progression, respect, etc. All of course without being too available, emotional, all of that. At this point, he has not shown me anything to either prove himself or to earn my time or attention, therefore he gets NONE from me. (I know i'm probably answering my own questions and don't even need to write here)But again i'm here, a lil confused and curious.
For future reference, when in NC mode and he initiates (ex. 4 days in, with 2 days of persistence, and then two off) would it be acceptable to wait 6-8 days before responding or is that just a whole nother game? I'm not exactly sure which path to choose - I know I have my own free will, but some extra guidance along the way can't hurt.
I am sure his insecurities are surfacing and that thought process of "Where is she?" "Why isn't she talking to me?" "What did I do?" is happening. I can see it, I can feel it and not to sound harsh, but I'm enjoying it. It's his turn now to wonder and worry and to really THINK.
So again, any and all thoughts on this would be great, I will continue to read/post here as I know it can help others and help myself; in a way it's a release.; April 22, 2013 at 9:43 PM
KK said...: BTW Mirror, I've read your articles on Experiences with a Taurus male, Aries, Sag. I was wondering if you had one for Pisces (as the man I am dealing with is a Pisces)and I cannot seem to find it/or know if there even is one - would be very interesting to read!; April 22, 2013 at 9:44 PM
Anonymous said...: I just want to say Mirror is awesome and right, and we would all do well to listen to her advice!

Day 63 of NC today, and he resurfaces by "liking" one of my comments on a forum we both frequent. That's it for now. Mirror advised back around Valentines Day that in my situation, there was a 50/50 chance for him to surface IF I do strict NC, even after 30 days. Well, she was right!

Don't know if he'll pursue further (or if I even want him to) but the feeling I have right now of having successfully followed through with the NC is wonderful. Because of this, I've lost weight, changed my look some (new hair color/makeup) and feel some real, actual self-worth creeping in.

Good luck to all the ladies (and guys) here, I love reading what you share.

Hoopsgirl76; April 22, 2013 at 10:26 PM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini50
What I 'read' when I read your last post is this: these men don't really care. They are not emotionally involved. You are. They can send you one dumb text ("hey"), toss the phone aside and 'take their care for a spin' and not think one thought about you, or how you feel, or what you do. You, on the other hand, are trying to draw/tempt/move these guys into the 'emo-zone' with you, by sheer force of will power. I command you for that. But I think it' won't work. Because these guys are not involved. Not with you, not with anyone. Only with themselves, and their blessed state of self-absorbedness. There is nothing wrong with them, there is nothing wrong with you. But in my opinion you need to pull the plug on Virgo. You are 'leaning' in your attempts to get him on your emo-page. Even when you are not leaning but manage to stand in yourself for a while, your ultimate purpose is to get him to recognize you and to draw him in. But he is a self-absorbed man, quite happily counting his toes and all his own wonderful qualities. he does not have eye for you, or for another woman. He want a woman to admire him and shoulder the relationship. Any woman who tries to get this guy to ste up is going to find herself in quicksand. Sweet woman, cut this guy loose. Cancel that ticket, have a good cry, dust yourself off and find someone who likes you without you having to test your own borders and question your soundness of character like this. It was good practice, with this guy, you learned a lot, but he is not 'the prize'. The prize is your new knowledge, your practice, you are ready for a next round, with someone else. These are my two cents.; April 23, 2013 at 11:20 AM
chk61 said...: @Hoopsgirl76 - Awesome! I'm a little jealous I did not hold out a bit longer!

@Lady Leo - thanks, this is exactly what I plan to do. I will be friendly to him certainly as I would any other guest (it would be impolite to ignore him, he's coming to MY event!). He gets no "special" treatment but I won't be rude or standoffish, no point in that!

@MOA - I will probably only have a minute or two to talk to him, if I even get to talk to him at all! I just have to keep thinking: he's just a man, not the last man on earth. I know what you are saying, though. No way will I be making a beeline to talk to him, he should attempt to do that with ME and if he does not, then well...it's going to be a very crowded room and I will be working! I do plan on being the "Babe in Total Control of Herself". ;-)

@Gemini50 - thanks...and hang in there! and to answer your question to MOA, I think in my situation with this particular guy, knowing what we know, the answer is NEVER to initiating and acting eager unless and until (and this is obviously just a hypothetical) we are in a committed, exclusive relationship initiated by HIM.

We don't even know if he will show up - certainly I will update everyone either way!; April 23, 2013 at 3:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"You advise Chk61 not to "act too eager or start making suggestions or hints at getting together." Is that NEVER?"

Well, there's a time and a place for that sort of expression - and it's MUCH later on down the line.

Because you see, any time a woman does that, she's attempting to steer the relationship - i.e. she's attempting to take the lead. As a woman, particularly in the early days, feminine is the road to go (submissive). I don't mean roll over and play dead, LOL. But I do mean, be natural and comfortable in the role of the woman. Let the man pursue you.

Because the sad fact of the matter is, many men (not all but many, particularly the difficult one's, the insecure guys) will see that in a heartbeat and say to themselves, "BINGO! I got her - right where I want her. So now, my work is done. I don't have to try anymore. I don't have to try to impress her, I don't have to try to win her over, I don't have to try period because I got her right where I want her."

And then before you know it, he's taking you for granted, taking advantage of your kindness, taking advantage of your invitations, taking liberties and basically enjoying a free ride - all at the woman's expense AND at HER INVITATION to do so.

Much like Virgo had done on his trip to your place for Easter. When you were very kind to him and went out of your way to make his stay comfy and nice - he totally took advantage of that. He barely lifted a finger for you and basically thought it was all about him. It's unfortunate that it has to be this way, but this is the reality. Men mistake a woman's kindness for weakness every single day. And once they think they have that figured out, the become complacent and lazy about dating the woman.

If I were you - I'd go on that trip up to Virgo's neck of the woods - but I wouldn't see Virgo nor would I tell him that I was there - UNTIL AFTER THE FACT, LOL. I'd go and have a nice time. I'd pamper myself, enjoy some sight seeing and I'd be happy alone with myself. Then I'd come home and casually work it into the conversation that I did indeed take the trip without ever bothering to even let him know I was right there in town, LOL.

That'll give him plenty to think about. It says to him, "It's NOT all about you, I don't need you to have a good time, I don't need you to enjoy myself and I don't need you to validate me as a woman. I can take lemons and some damn good lemonade." ;-)

And when it comes to hinting at get togethers and expressing eagerness or excitement with men, chk61 has it right. The time and place for that is AFTER a commitment has been put in place that was initiated by the MAN. Then, and only then, can a woman begin to express that. If it's done during the dating phase, an immature man and/or an insecure guy will see that as a green light to fall into complacency and he'll begin taking advantage.

"Are we going to just keep texting, or are you going to ask me out?" Would this be a no-no? Would this be me driving?"

Yep, that's a no no. Basically, that's an "ultimatum." If you want to send this man away, feel free to issue an ultimatum. But if you want to DRAW him towards you, don't play your cards like that. That would basically be you expressing eagerness and applying pressure for him to ask you on a date. It's taking the lead for sure.

"I responded to you a couple times this weekend, without a response."

Refrain from playing your cards like that. That translates as this to a man, "Where are you? Why haven't you responded to me?" And when a man sense that, he knows he's got you on the short end of the stick, he has the upper hand and he's doing this on purpose - to see if you'll bite.

Cont. . .; April 23, 2013 at 5:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Why did he text me in the first place if he wasn't going to respond?"

Because he's testing you. And also because he's an insecure man and insecure men play games. They tinker with a woman's emotions and they're always gaming for the upper hand. Which is why me personally, I feel insecure men are a waste of a good woman's time. They'll exhaust you, drain you, work you over and drive you mad - all to prove a point to themselves. . .that they simply CAN do this to a woman. And that simple fact makes them feel like a man. Insecure men don't feel like real men and it's these stupid little constant stunts they pull that give reinforcement to their manhood. Insecure men think that domination is masculinity. They don't realize that leadership is actually masculinity, not domination. And because they're confused about that, attempts to dominate and attempts to control are the name of their game. And Virgo has shown you this many times over already. That will not change.

"But I have to wonder WTF is wrong with ME?"

Not a damn thing. You're still learning is all. And every single one of life's lessons is learned and earned via trial and error dear :-) It's part and parcel of the human experience.

"It hurts because it feels like they are doing it with pure callous and no consideration for my feelings."

That's exactly what it is. But it isn't done with this intention, it's done via the lens of selfishness. They don't even realize this is how they make others feel. Which again, is why insecure men are a waste of a good woman's time. They'll never be able to put themselves in someone else's shoes because it's always about them.

It might not seem like you're making progress at this moment, but you are. These things are being magnified by the universe for you right now so that the lesson is absorbed. Each time we attempt to make excuses or subvert the lesson, the universe has a funny way of throwing it in our face again - until we get it, LOL ;-)

You may not realize this right now, but one day, you'll have Virgo to thank. . .for leading you away from him and straight into the arms of a good man, LOL ;-)

"I am so tired of other people's shix!"

That's a good thing dear. Because it's that exhaustion that's going to drive this lesson home for you - and see to it that you steer clear from these situations and men such as this in the future.

Everything happens for a reason :-); April 23, 2013 at 5:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
"when in NC mode and he initiates (ex. 4 days in, with 2 days of persistence, and then two off) would it be acceptable to wait 6-8 days before responding or is that just a whole nother game?"

That's not no contact. No contact means exactly that - no contact, no response - 30 days solid. What you're referring to above is an extended form of mirroring.

"I'm not exactly sure which path to choose"

No one can really answer this for you dear. This is something that you have to decide for yourself.

However, my suggestion would be to do the no contact for 30 days solid. Not for him, but for YOU. Distancing yourself for 30 days will grant you the clarity from confusion that you seek. You're stuck in the confusion because you won't make a firm decision for yourself. You're creating the confusion for yourself by vacillating back and forth in your decision making. Make a firm decision and the confusion will dissipate.

"but I'm enjoying it."

Again, that's the clarity of firm decision making and distance from no contact. You can't reward bad behavior with your attention and affection. When you free yourself from yourself, that's when you find clarity. When you deliver consequences for bad behavior instead of moving back and forth between two paths, you find clarity:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

And during the no contact period, use it wisely. Do not sit and wait on a man during that phase. Instead, focus on yourself, better yourself and do things for yourself that you've been putting off (because of being too focused on trying to please a man - instead of trying to please yourself):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/12/woman-must-have-happiness-dating.html

You're happiness resides within you dear. It does not come from a man. Do not expect a man to waltz into your life and hand you your happiness. You will always be disappointed. Find your happiness within yourself, and then radiate the positive energy like warm sunshine and draw a man that reflects that same right back to yourself (Law of Attraction = like attracts like):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2009/10/law-of-attraction-vision-boards.html

Do that and you will attract that right back to yourself. A man should ADD to your happiness - he should not BE your happiness.; April 23, 2013 at 5:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
"as the man I am dealing with is a Pisces"

That's a slippery fish dear, LOL. A very gentle soul, the poet of the zodiac. However, the sign of Pisces represents the primordial much of all of the zodiac signs that proceed it. Meaning, they have all of the tendencies of all of the signs that precede them in the zodiac at some point in their lives.

Pisces is also ruled by Neptune, the planet of deception, delusion and spiritual enlightenment. Neptune rules the oppressed and abandoned: the misfits of society.

There are many sides to the slippery fish and an energy of "deception" will float around them at all times. A gentle soul, but one that lives in the deception and false illusion of Neptune's energy.

The fish that symbolize Pisces swim in both directions ;-) There's duality to the sign of Pisces and they are also a mutable sign (mutable = changeable).; April 23, 2013 at 6:05 PM
Lovingme said...: Hi mirror. I'm not sure if you didn't see my post or not because I never received a response. Can you please advise? Thanks.; April 23, 2013 at 6:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lovingme,
"Why do you suppose that is?"

Because he knows he can, because you permit him to come and go as he pleases and he knows that all he has to do when he treats you poorly and takes you for granted is make an attempt or two at contact and then - BOOM, you're right there.

At some point you have to take control and you need to deliver consequences for bad behavior:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

True no contact means exactly that, no contact and no response for 30 days:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And you also have to be willing to accept that no contact is a filtering tactic. It's meant to sniff out a man's interest level. A genuinely interested man will pursue a woman and make repeated attempts (not just one or two) and he will eventually reach a point where he will express his desire to have a "talk" - and it's then and only then that a woman should respond. When the man expresses a desire to talk and to work at the relationship. Anything short of that gets no response.

And if a man doesn't pursue and only makes one or two attempts and walks away - you need to accept that he's a half interested man and you have your answer. . .and that answer is that it's time to move on.

You don't stick around and keep beating your head against the wall trying to convince a man to like you or want a relationship with you. He either does or he doesn't. There's no in between. And if he doesn't pursue you, then the answer is that he doesn't want it - and you move on.; April 23, 2013 at 6:28 PM
Lovingme said...: I screwed up royally & I'm so pissed at myself. I was doing so good. He did make more than 2 attempts & expressed a desire to see me. I guess that is not the same. It was the only reason why I saw him in the first place. I'm so upset. I can't believe I allowed him to get to me again. I can't keep doing this. I can't do NC because I'm just letting it go. I can't talk to him ever again & I cannot allow him to think he can come & go.

I WILL NOT permit that because in the end I feel like a sucker & I hate feeling that way. I can't do this anymore & I have to just leave him alone for good. :( I'm so upset...; April 23, 2013 at 7:30 PM
Anonymous said...: @chk61 Aw, thanks. So far, he's only "liked" that one comment yesterday, so I've no idea what the little farker is up to with that. And best of luck with your guy at the upcoming event. Stay strong and aloof, girl!

It's weird, in a way this is spinning my head again, and I'm thinking more about him (argh!) and checking my email account more often to see if he's written yet. It's like a second NC clock has begun alongside the old one. 64 and 1. I'm more tempted than ever, but I'm going to wait his butt out!

Hoopsgirl76; April 23, 2013 at 7:41 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Thanks Ms. Mirror,

I was feeling tearful(again!!!)when I got into work this AM. Then had a surprise mtg where I was asked if I'd be willing to take on a new job in a different dept for at least 3 months. I said yes (but don't think my boss will let me go due to current workload). Why I mention it is because of the contradiction of feelings.

And while smiling to myself at how funny life is to send me that twist, I received two i-m's from Virgo. I just deleted them. He then sent a text to my cell, I ignored it.

The contradiction brought clarity: He makes me feel bad. (realization 1)

I don't want to feel bad anymore. (realization 2)

Remove the source of feeling bad. (realization 3)

It's going to take work.

I will think about your idea to keep my flight but not see him. Don't know about that though... but I'll think about it.

And thank you for answering and responding to my post. I know there are several messages in it that I will find reading it over again.
_ _ _

Scorpio text me when I got home (earlier than usual, but another Tuesday) and I think I blew it because I didn't read your response in time. Although I knew better than to say what I suggested earlier, without first hearing from you, I think some of my comments were ultimatums and he was having no part of it. But, really, I don't think I blew it, I think I protected myself, and although I am disappointed, I think it was the right thing to do to protect myself. I don't want the same relationship we had before.

He was hunkering for a booty call, not coming right out with it. Doing the flirty thing and beating around the bush but clearly wanting me to extend the offer.

Instead I said> We have seen I am no good at fwb.

He didn't give up. Tried to convince me. Continued to use words that sounded good. I explained it was the whole man that turns me on... mind, heart soul then body.. it's the man that makes the woman want him. And I recalled his comment to me when we first starting dating, "I am the man, I like to be the man and I want to be a good man."

I don't think he remembered.

Scorpio> I see. I'm probably not for u then. Hope u find him xo.

Although disappointed, I responded> Good luck to you too xo.

We started bantering again. Scorpio wanted a photo and I refused. He was persistent and finally I thought of the rubberband (pull it tight girl) and creating a little tension. So I did.

He then said he was "intrigued," and I thought hmmm... but I still would not send him a photo.

Then he sends a text > K had to try lol I am a male have fun.

His bantering was hot Scorpio style... I used to fall for it, and could have again if he put the effort into real dating, etc. But that last text was like WOW! A cold splash of water that washed over his words.

And notice that he didn't say he was a MAN, he said he was a MALE. Interesting.; April 23, 2013 at 9:13 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Anonymous 4/23 11:20

Thanks, good advise. I think you are right as well... even when I have been 'done' and moving on, I had hope Virgo would become who he said he was.

You are right re: Virgo counting his toes, etc. Ms. Mirror had said Virgo thought of himself as a "rock star." I didn't see it at first because of all of the other stuff he's shared with me, but I finally do. He DOES think he is the best thing on this earth... he really does. OMG! He sooo isn't!!! lol

Thank you again for your post, I appreciate it.; April 23, 2013 at 9:24 PM
Lovingme said...: I understand you completely mirror & I thank you. I'm really hurt at the fact that I've allowed myself to be suckered into his stupid web of deceit & games. My confidence has took a blow & I thought I was getting control over the situation & regaining it. I guess it was another lesson yet AGAIN I needed to learn. I really hate myself for this foolish, vulnerability I've showed him. I hate it & it sucks. I've read your articles numerous times just so it can sink in & really stick to me. I'm moving on from him now. I don't know what will happen in the future, but that was a test sent from the universe to tell me that I need to stop this insanity. It really hurts though, but I know when he contacts me again to just let it go. :(; April 23, 2013 at 9:26 PM
Lovingme said...: I also "love" it when people say "move on" like that's just so easy to do. Granted you can "move on" physically but really, does your heart move on? You can focus on other things, date, or whatever the hell it is that you do, doesn't make the person "move on" out of your heart. It's always easy for someone that's outside looking in not knowing your pain to tell you to just move on. It's MUCH easier said than done.; April 24, 2013 at 1:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lovingme,
Dear, are you reading your own comments on this thread? Do you see the anger and frustration that you're emitting? It's really not healthy.

And yes, moving on is easy - ONCE YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.

Women have a tendency to act helpless, as if they're a victim of their own emotions and there's simply nothing they can do about it.

Not true.

Free will is the ability to take conscious control over your thoughts and to "freely will" a new reality into existence.

If you choose to dwell in the emotions and hold this person in your heart, then that's exactly what happens - you get stuck and can't move on. However, if you set this person free and remove them from your thoughts, in a matter of weeks, things start to clear and eventually the sun shines again.

Life is not easy dear. Pain is a part of it and the pain must be walked through in order to remove it from your life in a healthy manner.

You're not the only woman here that's been in this situation or that's felt helpless. But a strong woman picks herself up, dusts herself off and yes, moves on. Because a strong woman doesn't hold a bad man in her heart - she removes him from the equation and her feelings for him diminish because she realizes he's no good.

Instead of suggesting it may be time to move on, would you rather someone say to you, "Stay here and beat your head against the wall again and again and again until it works."

What would you suggest I say in these situations where I'm dealing with literally hundreds of women a month sharing horrible stories about men and living in emotional pain?

There's only two options - move on, or live with the pain.; April 24, 2013 at 9:18 AM
Lady Leo said...: Dear Gemini50:

Doll, you've just had a minor SLIP = Sudden Loss In Perspective. You got a head F*** from virgo, so you turn to scorpio for some feel good vibes. Thinking scorp either of these men is going to be different than what they HAVE been is insanity. Insanity definition: repeating the same behavior yet expecting a different outcome. These men are who they are, not who you'd like them to be.

Virgo is text book alcoholic. An "egomaniac with an inferiority complex". On the inside, he feels as if he is a nothing, but he MUST portray to the outside that he is all that AND a bag of chips. He can't let you know he is out of control emotionally. This is the inherent dilemma of the alcoholic. They are so empty on the inside they have to fill themselves up with grandiosity to feel better about themselves. This will NEVER change until he seeks helps. Alcoholism is a THINKING disease, not a drinking disease. To attach yourself to him, his actions, his talk, is like hooking yourself up to his IV line. The toxicity will flow into you and make you crazy. As it already has.

@Lovingme: Give yourself a break. What makes you different from the rest of us who are so attached to the man we cant figure out? You just stumbled, so pick yourself up and keep it moving. When you expect to be perfect in how you handle this crap with this man, you are labeling yourself as being perfect. None of us are. Its not too late to go back to NC. Just learn form this lesson.

I sent a text last weekend to my ex sag...a passive aggressive question. "Someone told me recently that emotionally shut down men are frustrated by being shut down. is this true"...is what I sent him. I was going through an angry period and wanted to zap him. His reply:

"Im not of of "those"...LOL. He got defensive. I loved it!! LOL

So I replied "One of what...emotionally shut down?"

He says "I dont fit that mold"...Ohhhh Ok..pal. I found it so interesting how he took it personally and obviously figured out I was zapping him. LOL. I dont care what he thinks, I dont care if he doesn't ever want me back cus I DONT WANT HIM BACK!! LOL...Its a glorious feeling to get to the point of valuing ME more than I value HIM!; April 24, 2013 at 9:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror, I wrote this comment last month but did not get a response, would be very grateful if you could please shed some light because I am still in this situation and need help.

Hello Mirror, please help me!
I'm not sure if this relates to the article but I don't know where else to turn. :(
I have known a Taurus male for about two years, we first went on a date a few weeks after I got dumped by a guy who had strung me along for four months and then said he did not want a serious relationship. I guess Taurus guy was a rebound date. Needless to say I wasn't over the previous guy so I basically stopped calling Taurus. However he would check on me once in a while and ask me out, I would keep it friendly but always decline his offers. A year later I got out of another 'fake relationship' and Taurus guy was the first person I ran to. He was so happy to see me and wined and dined me, but after the date, I felt I needed time to myself so didn't call him again after that. He wasn't pushy and would still text me to find out if I was doing ok, and that he would like to take me out when I felt ready.
I then met a young guy who had just come out of university. He was a 'musician', lived rent free in his bandmate's parents' house and they earned money gigging here and there. He was cool, funny, handsome and arrogant, we got along great, and said he only wanted a casual sexual relationship with me. Even though I knew he was trouble, I thought I would eventually change his mind and become his girlfriend. He never took me out and would only ever invite me to his place. He wasn't very attentive towards me, would go for days without calling me and would constantly say he preferred 'exotic looking' girls, making me feel inferior, but I still kept seeing him. After a while I felt used and told him I was falling for him so I needed out. He quickly agreed and said we should just stop speaking to each other as it would help me get over him. I tried no contact but would always break it and pour my heart out, and of course he always rejected me, saying I was better off, he wasn't the right guy for me, etc.
I then went on another date with Taurus guy, who said he wants to look after me and treat me right for once in my life, and all he wants is a chance. (He's dated other girls in the past but can't get over me). Now Taurus is a good guy, average looking,intelligent and well educated, GREAT job and enjoys the finer things in life. He's 6 years older so doesn't always get my rapport, but seems to want to try his hardest with me. No one has pursued me so hard before, or treated me with this much respect. I am fairly attracted to him, but not as much as I was to the musician. I know if I want a loving, stable relationship, Taurus guy would be able to provide that. But PLEASE Mirror, help me understand why I am more attracted to someone who treated me badly, disrespected me and now wants nothing to do with me, instead of a good guy who wants me despite my flaws or how I have treated him in the past. I just want to get over the musician, but how can I do this? I DON'T MIND THE TOUGH LOVE APPROACH MIRROR, I need you to be brutally honest and help me move on with my life. Sorry this was long, but I have no one else to talk to. :( Thanks for reading xx.

Ps. I tried two weeks of no contact and the musician contacted me with an apology for not treating me right and that he missed me. I thought he wanted me back but he rejected me again saying he still only wanted a casual relationship. I told him I don't want that anymore, we started being friendly via text and then suddenly he's started being very cold towards me. I'm really hurt and confused because I haven't done anything wrong.; April 24, 2013 at 3:38 PM
KK said...: Very true Mirror, ' that's the clarity of firm decision making and distance from no contact. You can't reward bad behavior with your attention and affection. When you free yourself from yourself, that's when you find clarity. When you deliver consequences for bad behavior instead of moving back and forth between two paths, you find clarity.' I do feel more confident in my decision of strict NC, i'm sticking to it. Once all of those emotions are put aside, all that's left is logic, and it just makes more and more sense everyday. I'm not going to let him slip through the cracks so to speak, make two lame attempts and then 'disappear' again for 5 days expecting me to run after him. I have better things to do. Technically I have not spoken to him in 10 days, but i'm happy I haven't.
If I could look back at myself exactly one week ago, there is a huge difference. I was going through every emotion possible, feeling defeated and cried for days(could not explain why at the time) and to anyone who would listen. I do think it's necessary to go through that process, as it is part of 'moving on'(just like the stages of Grief when you lose a loved one), you can't change anything until you recognize it first, it may hurt, but it hurts for a reason.. so you can learn from it and begin to 'move on'. It's not easy at first, but it's also not that hard once you begin @LovingMe. Never beat yourself up about it. What lifted me out of that was affirmation EVERYDAY(remind yourself of the GOOD, not the bad) positive energy and positive people around me. Remove the NEGATIVES. I have done this and the universe has a funny way of rewarding you (new/more job opportunities have presented themselves, a 'legal battle' of sorts that I thought was a lost cause suddenly resurfaced in my favor and it's no longer stagnant, we're moving forward and progress is being made, no matter what the outcome may be, it's all POSITIVE)along with just feeling better, happier, more motivated, more energy, etc. And people 'noticing' that in you. That's 'moving on'.

As for Pisces, or 'slippery fish'(I could think of a better word lol), so true. 'The fish that symbolize Pisces swim in both directions ;-) There's duality to the sign of Pisces and they are also a mutable sign (mutable = changeable)' - I totally relate him to that, not concerning me, but in general. The word 'changeable' did not excite me, don't worry! But I relate that to his own life, he does have a certain tolerance concerning negative people/friends, or things until he 'changes' those situations for the better, into a positive(one of his qualities I admired) There is also that air of 'deception' that floats around with him that I've always felt - slippery indeed.

To anyone who has 'stumbled' today or just had a bad day, i'll share a little something my late father told me once. "Today was not great, but that's ok. You'll have another chance tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow will ALWAYS be better" :); April 24, 2013 at 4:05 PM
Anonymous said...: In the rubberband theory...for the hope of him reappearing (no communication has been made on my part to him) how long does one usually wait for him to reappear?; April 24, 2013 at 4:22 PM
Lovingme said...: Yes Mirror, I do see the anger & frustration. I'm mad as hell I allowed myself to go back & I'm mad as hell at him & I wanna kick him in the throat. It was 1 time ffs, 1!!!! I had a slip up, that doesn't mean I'm helpless, I'm not some victim crying rape, I'm a person who's hurt.

It would be great if I can just wake up & say ding, I'm over him, he's not in my heart anymore, next...is it really that easy? Maybe it was easy for you, but for me it's not. Isn't that a process too? Feeling your emotions until you get THROUGH it & not ignoring them? I'm I supposed to be happy that I allowed this stupid asshole to jerk me again? No, I'm not happy about that at all. Yes evenutally I will get over it, but at this moment I would love to strangle him.

No I don't want someone treating me like that in my life. I want him gone. I don't want him in my thoughts, I don't want him in my heart. I want him gone. I'm not a weak pathetic soul, I had 1 relapse & I never forgot how to say fuck you & keep it moving. I'm not beating my head up against the wall trying to convince him to love me or be in a relationship with me, I'm not convincing him of anything. I may have let him back in, but I'm not some desperate fool.

I would SUGGEST "moving through". In order to MOVE ON you have to move through your negative thoughts, feelings, emotions, however long that takes. I believe only then you can just MOVE ON. Has anyone just moved on from these sitiuations? Not from what I've read. They have relapses & after they've felt it out then yes, I guess they do move on.; April 24, 2013 at 4:26 PM
Lovingme said...: @ Lady Leo, when I screw something up, especially after it's been going so well, especially when I know better, I am extremely hard on myself because I let it happen, & I feel like a sucker. I don't like feeling like a sucker. Not at all. I know I have anger issues which I do seek therapy for & if this was me a few years ago & someone made me feel like a sucker, I'd want to break their jaw.

This has happened before between him & I. The same song & dance, & I actually did get violent with him & hurt him physically. So why do I allow myself to go back to it? I guess it was because I didn't have enough self love. But I am learning, I've never been the type to chase a man. A man always came to me & this was the case with him as well. I never chased him. Not once, which is why he rears his ugly head, time & time again.

My mistake was allowing him back over & over again because I "loved" him. Rewarding bad behavior & not allowing him to have consequences for his actions. I was sticking it to him before I fucked it all up, & he was responding gracefully. Now that I've let him in a little, the uncertainty has left the building & now he thinks he still has me where he wants me. Really? Well he was expecting me to chase him. Uh...not. Not 1 call or text from me. I bet that uncertainty is kicking right back in. But whatevs, I have to get over it at my pace. Thanks for your comment.; April 24, 2013 at 4:43 PM
Lovingme said...: Oh also, I just want to add that I know about the free will & choices. I chose to go back to the bs so I got what I chose. I know that. I just don't deal with things in a healthy way, something of which I'm trying to let go of. All I see is red when that happens, but I have no one to blame but myself & that's why I rip myself a new one because I know better...smh.; April 24, 2013 at 4:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lovingme,
"I'm supposed to be happy that I allowed this stupid asshole to jerk me again?"

Please don't put words in my mouth. No one ever said you were supposed to be happy about this - but grace and dignity do come to mind.

I'd appreciate it dear, if you checked your attitude at the door and didn't come here and request me to take my personal time to decipher your situation - only for you to then turn around and direct verbal abuse, attitude and anger towards me.

If you don't like what I have to say - then the resolution to that is to not ask me for my insights.; April 24, 2013 at 5:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 24, 3:38 PM,
"But PLEASE Mirror, help me understand why I am more attracted to someone who treated me badly, disrespected me and now wants nothing to do with me, instead of a good guy who wants me despite my flaws or how I have treated him in the past."

I can't crawl into your head and your past experiences to answer this dear. But recognition IS the first step towards repair.

"I just want to get over the musician, but how can I do this?"

You just have to walk through the pain dear and wrap your head around letting go and eventually in a few weeks, things will start to get better.

"I'm really hurt and confused because I haven't done anything wrong."

You're not looking out for yourself properly dear. Someone can only treat you as bad as you let them. You may not have done anything wrong, but there are times in life when you simply have to accept that things just simply did not work out, regardless of why.; April 24, 2013 at 5:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 24, 4:22 PM,
I would not wait for any man to reappear, LOL. I'd keep on moving on, dating others casually (no sex) and living my life as I should.

If they reappear, they reappear. If they don't, then they don't. But you never give away your power and simply sit and wait on a man - EVER.; April 24, 2013 at 5:09 PM
Sande' said...: @Anonymous Apr 24, 3:38 PM,

I once was in a similar situation so I want to say this regarding your point:

I told him I don't want that anymore, we started being friendly via text and then suddenly he's started being very cold towards me. I'm really hurt and confused because I haven't done anything wrong.

You answered your own question. He has become cold now that he knows he is not going to get free/easy sex. He is showing his true colors- he is all about what's in it for him. You have poured your heart to him quite a few times and have been rejected. You need to move on. Being "cold" is a way of drawing you back in so you "give in" and go back to the "casual relationship." Believe him when he says he is not interested in anything more.

I won't say give the other guy a chance if you're 100% not interested but you may want to take things slow with him so you don't lose him too and then realize you made a big mistake. Don't put all your eggs in one damaged basket (i.e. musician who is emotionally unavailable). I know it is easier said than done but you have to dig deep and try to move on.; April 24, 2013 at 6:14 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Lady Leo,

I think you are right re: Virgo/alcoholic. Each time we've been together, I've noticed him drinking more, sleeping more, etc. Not what I want in my life.

Virgo sent a text this morning to my cell "good morning." I did not respond.

Re: Scorpio, I have always appreciated his honesty with me. Scorpio has always been forthright and direct in what he wants and how he lives his life.

Even if I don't like his choice, I respect him. I think he's always been straight with me, and I have with him. That's rare.

Of course, I could be wrong and find out he's married with 12 kids, is a serial killer or something (lol). But until then, I will continue to think good thoughts for him and wish him well on his life path.

So, what is going on with you with the passive-aggressive "tapping" of your Sag? What's it about?

Hugs to all, and Cheers! with glass of milk tonight ;); April 24, 2013 at 6:16 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hi Gemini50:

In my 12 step circle of friends, I've seen so many of them have to lose their most important relationships to find their bottom. That's how my marriage ended. I totally detached from my ex, and a few years later, he got sober. He'd lost a lot: jobs, money, our son, and of course, me. I had to let go to save my life. Today, believe it or not, we are good friends. I've forgiven him and he is a changed and good man. It's truly a miracle born of intense pain.

The Sag...well Im going through periods of anger. I pray for him daily to relieve the resentment. For whatever reason, he's responded to me anytime I've texted (First: 29 days of NC. 2nd: 4 weeks later. And now 3rd: two weeks after that. Anger is what's motivated me to text him, not a desire to regain him back. I have made the decision to never again try to win him or be with him on a logical level, but somewhere my emo side is still pouting. LOL.

I no longer wish he'd contact me, or wonder what he's doing. In fact, I feel so confident that he lost out here that I could care less what he thinks of me or that I may be doing anything "wrong" by texting him. I think I have a "sub"-conscious desire to hurt or maim him. LOL. He's a cop, so prolly not gonna :); April 24, 2013 at 9:54 PM
Lovingme said...: Mirror I am sorry for coming at you in such a manner. I didn't mean any disrespect or ill intent. Your advice has helped me & I know you're just trying to help. I appreciate the time you've taken to respond to my situation & I apologize for being aggressive in my approach toward you.; April 24, 2013 at 10:04 PM
chk61 said...: Well, I responded to his email asking me a question about the event Monday night - 24 hours after his email reply to me. He hasn't responded to that but that was his pattern in the past.

I have to admit that I'm now a little disappointed that I did not hold out just a little longer if indeed it is true that he was thinking of me and was going to contact me. Drats. All that No Contact, something like 70 days...I had the power and now I feel like I lost some of that. Oh well. What's done is done.

I told my girlfriend about contacting him (she is currently traveling abroad) via email and she tongue-lashed me good! E.g. she said "HE HAS NOT CHANGED HIS TUNE...and furthermore, he will not change his tune. He had his chance to recognize your value when he had you and what did he do? How did he value and respect what you offered? Did you feel secure? If you don´t mind losing your mind and going through heartache, then of course you have nothing to lose. But I think you feel your feelings more deeply, and I think he costs you a lot in fact."

She's probably right. I'm attaching too much significance to the fact that he emailed me fairly quickly (within two hours, but we have not seen each other since the end of January) and said he was thinking of me. My rich fantasy life has already been trying to take over my logical mind.

But he would not even bother coming or mentioning he could very well make it if he did not want to see me, right? He could just be toying with me, who knows.

I wonder if he was turned off by the fact that I responded to his question (and I said some other stuff but kept it brief). Alright, I'll fess up. I told him about my injury (I'm a performer and it will affect my ability to perform so I wanted him to know) and now I'm wishing I had just kept my mouth shut. But he mentioned something personal about himself in HIS email to me so I have to just let go of that thought - that I divulged too much. I'm a human being, we do get sick and/or injured, and yeah, I make mistakes.

So maybe he won't even show up or (as what happened last time) the event will sell out and he won't get in. He knows it sold out in January so if he really wants to come, he'll know to purchase admission in advance.

I have to just let go of this and practice my friendly aloofness as I'm afraid if/when I see him, my plans to be aloof will fly out the window. I'm a friendly, forgiving type person and usually give people (men and women) second chances. Anyway, I know being my "self" will not work here...I have to be the bitch (Babe in Total Control of Herself - yet aloof and unattainable).

Sigh. Will I ever have sex/love again? I'm going on four years and I'm not getting any younger. :-); April 25, 2013 at 10:03 PM
Anonymous said...: @Lovingme
Mirror is right, her advice is always spot on. I have been in your shoes so I think I know how you are feeling. I agree with you. You have to sort out your own emotinons first, get rid of anger and frustration. There are a lot of techniques on the internet, you can choose. As for moving on - I didn´t use to like this advice at all either. But it doesn´t mean that you have to fall in love with another man immediately. It only means not to avoid contacts with other men and give them a chance to meet you. A few weeks ago I broke up with one man and since then I´ve been trying to meet new people. I´ve literally forced myself to do it because in the past I never did it, I always grieved over the previous man for months, even years. So now I have changed my attitude completely. And although I haven´t found the right one yet, I´ve met some men and I am not sad or angry anymore because these meetings have broadened my mind in a way. For instance the man I am talking to now is a dog lover and suffers from first stages of muscular distrophy. A kind of person I´ve never met before. When he told me about his condition I started to look at myself from a new perspective and my disappointment over not having a good partner has diminished. So yes, I agree with Mirror, it´s necessary to move on. And your man might return to you whether you move on or not,you know what I mean.
Greetings to Mirror and all of you!
HopefulWithMen; April 26, 2013 at 3:25 PM
VirgoPal said...: So its been over one month since my reappearing disappeared man went silence on me again. However, through the time I gained so much clarity on the relationship we had and my behavior during the situation. I am not completely healed because he disrespected me, and I refused to walk away. Looking back I realized I was "lusting" over someone who was narcissistic and really didn't exist. During the time we reconnected I was hoping we could go back to how we started, however we couldn't because it that person had a mask on in a sense.

As sad it is for me to realize a man "fooled" me, I can look back and said I did the best I could do in the situation. However, I deserve better than what he can offer anyways, since regardless of the situation it would've been all about him. I want a partnership, and I don't want to be in position to teach a man how to be a man. So now I traded in my radiology resident, and I have renewed my membership to Match. com to see where it takes me. I am already talking to another doctor on the site.lol

So ladies- its so important to take a step back from these insecure losers who disappear, ignore your calls or disrespect you. Ask yourself- Is this really the man I want to marry or trust to protect me? Finding love shouldn't be so difficult.; April 26, 2013 at 8:18 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Lady Leo,

Thx for response. I've dealt w/alcoholics throughout my life, have no desire to take care of one now. And I am so thankful for ACOA - it freed me from so much shame I did not own.

I'm not 'getting' your explanation for the angry tapping of the sag. But it's interesting to me.

Maybe it's an age thing because when I was 19-24, I had angry fights with my husband (x-husband). But what I learned is that when I did that, he had total control.

One day during a fight I felt like a child having a temper tantrum. I was so frustrated, I felt helpless -- this man was doing whatever the f he wanted, and I had to take it. And then I realized why a child has a temper tantrum: because they have NO power. No power to influence what is happening at the moment, and they aren't getting what they want or need. It was definitely an "aha" moment for me.

Now, when I am upset over someone's treatment of me, I try to talk to them -- they rarely recognize their behavior, see (or care) how it affects me, or change. Eventually, when it happens too many times with a person, I just shut the door and walk away, usually quietly, with what's left of my heart and soul in my arms.

Whenever I have continued to try to get the other person to hear me, it has meant that I was still invested, still wanting that person to recognize me and my wants/needs, still hoping for a better outcome.

So, to read your last post was interesting. I am asking myself:
- Does it take me so long to move on because I don't let anger out?
- Is my desire and effort to live without drama preventing me from shedding old skin and growing anew?
- Can we stop falling for and hooking up with the wrong guys if we just shut the door and walk away without identifying to them their wrongs against us?

I don't know. But I'm going to keep thinking about it. ;)

@ Ms. Mirror,

I have been grateful for the comments and answers here this week. Reading them, I find strength.

Virgo has txt me 'morning' every morning. I have deleted each one. No work I-m's. I am going to have to tell him this week I'm not going out there, just trying to figure out what to say. I don't want to be his therapist; I just want to get back to feeling good about myself again.

I have decided I am not going to fly out there as you suggested. I am going to take the time off from work as planned and enjoy my home. I have plenty of yard work to do, plenty of house fixings to try to take care of, so that's what I'm going to do.

It's also been a tough week for me because of Scorpio. It has taken all of my "grown-up" power to NOT react to our last texting and retract my choice of not having a fwb relationship with him. The opportunity for instant pleasure w/him is so tempting -- he would bring me temporary comfort. But I know the relationship we had in the past is not what I want... so, I read here and try to keep busy. thx!

@ Chk61, Can't wait to hear how your event went.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

{Hugs}; April 27, 2013 at 7:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"Does it take me so long to move on because I don't let anger out?"

I don't necessarily think so. I think that's simply part of the human experience - to choose to see the best in others even if the worst far outweighs those qualities.

"Is my desire and effort to live without drama preventing me from shedding old skin and growing anew?"

Believe it or not, you're already shedding old skin, which is why this is painful and confusing at times ;-)

"Can we stop falling for and hooking up with the wrong guys if we just shut the door and walk away without identifying to them their wrongs against us?"

For me personally, I have found this comes with time - once you realize your value and see past your ego. Because it's the ego that feels the need to identify their wrongs to them. When in reality, it really serves us no purpose, only leads to engagement in battle most times and rarely changes the ultimate outcome. It's simply a desire for the ego to satiate itself momentarily by receiving the fleeting feeling of control, even if only momentarily. It basically amounts to a form of "instant gratification" but serves no real purpose in the big picture.

And all of those factors, those questions you've posed to yourself, are indicators that it's still a bit difficult for you to focus on YOURSELF as opposed to feeling the strong urge to assist OTHERS instead.

Because once a woman begins to focus on herself above all others, it's so very easy to walk away without confrontation, without anger and with clarity and confirmation that the right decision and choice was made.

When I find myself in a situation where it's time to walk away, I don't spend much time thinking about the minutia, the why, how, who, etc. It's a vortex that will suck you in and be hard pressed to release you. Instead, I'm simply focused on myself - and getting the hell away from the negativity that's invaded my life. Because to me, it boils down to something very black and white. I ask myself, "Is this making me happy? Is this bringing positive energy into my life?"

Cont. . .; April 27, 2013 at 10:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: If the answer is no, then I walk and I don't look back and I don't let myself get caught up in the vortex of the minutia surrounding the situation. It may sound harsh, but not if you look at it as survival mode. Survival mode doesn't ask why, it simply "does" (takes action). Imagine it like this, I'll use the recent events of the Boston bombing here as an example of survival mode thinking.

If, God forbid, you were in that crowd and that bomb went off, would you stand there and take the time to ask why? Or would you simply take action without thinking and just run? You'd run. That's survival mode thinking. There is no thought - only action in the form of reaction to the catalyst of the event.

And once you enter survival mode thinking when dating, the actions become natural and the survival becomes natural and you simply do what you have to do. You don't think about it, you just do it.

And regarding Scorpio and your desire to retract your words with him, realize that that's you, your ego, wanting instant gratification. You don't want to settle for a FWB situation. Do you know how painful and confusing and unhappy that would make you? To settle for less than you deserve with a man? It would serve as a bandaid of sorts, with the open gaping wound still remaining underneath. So just realize that that's ego trying to force you to take action. And we don't feed ego or it becomes an unstoppable monster. So stay grounded and don't stray from your path. I have a feeling he'll be back anyway, LOL ;-)

Besides, what kind of man invites a woman into a FWB situation? Not a true gentleman that's for sure. Because that's akin to saying, "I like you, but not enough to be with you. I'll sleep with you, but I'm not going to spend any real significant amount of time with you. What do ya' say, sound like fun?"

It's insulting and if you begin to see it for what it truly is, you won't feel bad about it anymore. You'll feel very proud that you didn't settle ;-); April 27, 2013 at 10:32 AM
chk61 said...: Last night's event went really well (I have two this weekend). I felt pretty good, a little uncomfortable as my body is out of whack. But overall, it was a success.

I am fighting my pattern which is to let people (mainly men who have rejected me) make me nervous. This is silly as, doh - I am the Babe in Total Control of Herself. :-) A "bitch" like me doesn't let a flaky, insecure man affect her in any way because she (I) KNOWS her inherent worth or attractiveness has nothing to do with his opinion of her. If there was no physical attraction to this man (combined with intellectual attraction) I would not even be posting here.

My fantasy about him changing his tune at this point is just that - a fantasy. The fact is he disappeared on me for over two months. Ok, so we go with the facts and we realize the fantasy is just in my mind and I made all that stuff up.

One fact: I was babe in control last night and I will be tonight. At this point in my life, on the other side of 50, I have nothing to be nervous about. I am relaxed, cool as a cucumber, and all is well in my world. Yes, I am dealing with a challenging insult to my body but that will get better - I must be patient. I have a lot to offer, I have a wonderful family and good friends. This man is just another flawed human being trying to make his way in life. His behavior, his choices, what he does has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME and EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

So I expect another success tonight, whether he shows up or not. I have no control over him, only over me. And as I previously, stated, I am the Babe in Total Control of Herself. Onwards and upwards! :-)

Thanks Mirror!!!; April 27, 2013 at 12:19 PM
chk61 said...: Here's my update.

My D.M. (disappearing man) reappeared at my event Saturday night, with a male friend in tow. As you know I invited him earlier in the week. He came early and stayed for three hours. When we greeted each other, he kissed me on the cheek and was very friendly, there was no puffed up male ego on display. His vibe seemed very different. I was friendly, nonchalant, breezy. I kept the first greeting brief and drifted off to greet some other people. During my break I did sit down and chat with his friend and him. It was very comfortable, easy, we laughed and joked. My D.M. offered assistance with one of his health care providers for my injury which we briefly discussed.

He also deliberately stayed later to tape part of my performance and sent it to me in an email that night. He asked me to write him back with some more info about my injury so he could help out. He sent that email late Saturday night (it was actually at 1:00AM on Sunday).

So I feel relieved that he wanted to come to my event and I'm trying to not project that it "means" anything. I'll admit, I came home and could not sleep as seeing him was better than I expected it would be. My intuition tells me that there is something more here beyond him wanting to possibly be "friends". It is certainly possible that he just wants to be my "friend" but really, would a divorced man come out on a Saturday night with a married male friend and spend the entire night at my event? We had a very nice time chatting. When he left he gave me a big hug and he had that little smile on his face that a guy has when you know he likes you.

I am going to respond to his email tonight. We'll see what happens beyond that.

Thoughts?; April 29, 2013 at 11:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
Just continue to do as you've done this weekend. No eagerness, no reaching out, only responses (and not right away ;-)

It's too soon for any of that, so keep it light, be friendly, be somewhat scarce yet warm and whenever you interact with him, be mindful of eliciting positive feelings in him:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/04/dating-tips-persuasion-influence.html

Let HIM come to YOU, and if he's considering doing so, then that's exactly what he'll do. Let him take the lead and you play the feminine role ;-); April 29, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello Chk61...

Only have time for a brief reply. My 2 cents...BEFORE you reply...

re-read at least 50 posts from this forum. Start from YOUR first post here. Remind yourself where you were, how badly he made you feel and empower yourself with the struggles and victories of the others here.

Get your mind in the proper set to act accordingly. Good luck!!!; April 29, 2013 at 6:14 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

Your responses to the questions I posed to myself from Lady Leo's last post are good for all. You are such a beautiful patient person; I can only imagine how exhausting we can be at times.

I also appreciate your comments re: Scorpio. I am not interested in a fwb relationship with him or anyone. As you have said many times over, how we start a relationship is how it continues. When I first dated Scorpio, I had no plans to get involved with anyone -- emotionally or physically -- and we discussed it. So, I am responsible for getting myself into the fwb situation with him.

You are right, fwb sucks! If anyone is thinking about doing it, I'd advise not to. I can't tell you how many times my phone ding'd, and I so hoped it was him, but it wasn't. Or how many times I'd hear a Harley go by my house and hope it was him stopping in, but it never was. It's a sad way to live.

Your comment that Scorpio will be back made me chuckle. I don't think so. I made it clear to him that fwb is not for me. But you've been 100% on target with everything (I don't know how you do it, or where you found your crystal ball) but if it happens, the only way he will get close is by being a good man to me. I am not going to settle for less.

I'm starting to feel comfortable about saying NO to both Scorpio and Virgo. Not allowing a fwb relationship w/Scorpio, and not allowing Virgo to treat me like an option while he demanded to be a priority in my life.

It's all still a mixed bag of emotions at times, but that's ok. I'm in it to win it (life), and, for me, happiness is the path I try to travel.

So, we'll see if Scorpio has disappeared again... or if Virgo tries to contact me with more than a one-word text. I didn't respond to any of his "morning" texts every day last week, with his last on Friday AM. I was due to fly out there the 9th, it'll be interesting to see how he handles this. Maybe he just won't care -- maybe he'll be as relieved as I am -- we'll see. ;); April 29, 2013 at 11:06 PM
chk61 said...: @Gemini 50: your resolve with Virgo is empowering and kudos on your good decision to not fly out there.

I agree, FWB never works and women fool themselves into thinking they can do it. I have often wondered if I can do it as I am really going a bit batty being celibate. The sex thing is a difficult thing to approach with a man as it almost forces you to define the relationship WAY before the man is ready. So how do you tell a man that you don't want to have sex unless you are exclusive without making him run in the other direction?

Things with D.M. (disappearing man) were very hot from the get go, we made out the night we met and it was super, off the charts hot. So I got my first taste of the drug and spending some time with him the other night and not letting it affect me has been challenging. I laid awake last night fantasizing about when I can get my next fix. Ugh, this man is under my skin.

Thanks Lady Leo, I will go back and re read some old posts. I do remember how he made me feel, and you're right it wasn't good. Could he have shown up at my event to assuage guilt? Why is he offering to help me and why stay late to videotape me? Why bring one of his closest friends and introduce me?

Ladies, I'm feeling lovesick over my D.M. and this is not good. Today I have some free time and I'm going to look for someone else on the online dating sites and try to set up another date with a new man.

@Mirror - I will take your advice. We did have an email volley yesterday. I waited until Monday to respond to the email he sent me in the wee hours of Sunday. He responded right away although his tone in the email was not quite as warm as before (probably because he was at work...at home). Yet he took some time and offered again to help. I responded initially but I have not responded to his last email, as I do not want to be left hanging which was the way it always seemed to be.

I discussed the situation with my girlfriend last night (she is a therapist). She felt that it was OK to not respond to his last email to me, since I had already thanked him in a prior email for coming to the event, and for offering help. She thinks if he does not reach out to me again by Sunday to see if he can schedule time to see me next week when he doesn't have his kids then I have my answer: he is not interested in dating me again.

OK, I gotta go back and read some of those old posts... :-); April 30, 2013 at 9:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have a fairly major update to share with you. Before I do, just wanted to say I appreciate you being there and supporting me with your insight, hilarious stories, and encouragement for so many months. I apologize if I annoyed you in any way with my dumbass questions in trying to make men see what they did wrong. ;-X (Will refrain from those!)

So, I did the unthinkable and tapped Libra Guy last week.

I was mostly curious to know what happens when you tap a guy after 5 months. I felt I had enough distance from the NC and could re-establish contact.

I sent a simple greeting via gchat (he wasn't online so he'd get an email notification instead).

About 2 days later, he replied that e-mail VERY excited. He was all, oh my god I've missed you so much, how are you sweetie, I want to see you!

Then minutes later - he hit me up on iMessage with 4 messages and attached a new pic of him (btw we have never msged on there, so he must have checked my e-mail to see if I had iMessage).

I was happy to be "pursued", but this time I smartened up - and didn't react to his excitement.

He asked about my progress on my ab workouts. I told him, great, I've also being doing XYZ.

He replied, "I want to seeeeeee!"

I replied, "You might someday!" Then I proceeded to change the topic and asked him about his advice on something semi work-related, lol.

His response times were fairly quick up until this point, but since the last message - it's been crickets for days.

This morning I actually woke up crying from a dream that symbolized the feminine part of me dying.

I knew I was capable of being detached, carefree, and nonchalant with Libra Guy - but it came at the cost of shutting down my emotional side.

I lost my femininity and vulnerability in trying to protect myself. Of course it would hurt EVEN MORE to put myself out there and be taken advantage of, but I don't feel alive without me feeling, and wanting to love and give.

Perhaps my mistake - and so many women on here - is we simply chose the wrong man to have feelings for.

If I continue with Libra Guy - I will have to keep suppressing my feelings, and lose a part of me that is authentic and expressive. But in letting him go forever - I will also lose that passionate connection I crave.

I'm glad I didn't mirror his excitement - because now I think he fizzled out, and I likely won't hear back.

At first the realization that he didn't want to have a "normal" conversation with me made me a little upset, but now I see it's just not going to work out and he doesn't make me happy.

What a ridiculous learning experience!

Thanks for letting me share this. :-)

- Vivian; April 30, 2013 at 12:16 PM
chk61 said...: Egads, I don't know if I'm hormonally out of whack or overwhelmed by seeing him again but I am on an emotional rollercoaster. Admittedly I felt buoyed by his appearance at my event and his interest in helping me, and now my friends are warning me that he may just want to be "friends" and that this means absolutely nothing more than "what it is".

Of course, they may be right and I accept that this situation is just out of my hands. I was fine before I met him, and I'll be fine no matter what...even if I never lay eyes on him again, at least now I can say we ended things on a positive note. I'm just having a sad, teary, lonely afternoon...; April 30, 2013 at 3:05 PM
AnonWoman said...: Vivian

That's a great story, thanks for sharing your philosophical insights. I too have re-connected with an ex on email....and I've realised I've lost being natural in my communication with him, because of all the angst about getting it right this time, from the pain I suffered before.

So I'm going to take a week or so to reply to his email now, and catch my breath and reevaluate my communication with him, so that I'm natural again.

Tell me one thing, when you spoke about work, are you in the same industry? Do you think he think you're only maybe in touch with him as he can help you further your career?

Also, you went in cool in your reconnection...I told mine I'd missed him due to a married man advising me to say that and a psychotherapist female friend. However, he didn't say anything like that back but he said nice general (not relationship) things and asked me a question back...then we have a few exchanges, some of mine were intense about the past about all my lessons learned. With a couple of insults too. Now I want to step back and use the re-opened new channel of communication I have with him wisely. That means no harsh words now on my part. I've said my bit. I don't want to keep talking about the painful part. He summed it up and said: "We had a lovely relationship. It ended, neither of us are blameless" I thought, yep, good point well said succintly.

So I need to reevaluate as I don't want to be going over all ground (whilst he is not) or be rejected. I will probably write back in a week or two and say 'yeah, it's difficult to chat properly over email I guess' and see if he offers to meet me.

If he does, I won't meet for two weeks and when I do, I won't ask him out or pour my heart out...just play it casual and see what happens, see if he sparks us up again (rather than me pursuing him).

Best,
Anonwoman the Virgo; April 30, 2013 at 4:24 PM
Anonymous said...: RE: Vivian's post 4 30 @ 12:16

"I lost my femininity and vulnerability in trying to protect myself. Of course it would hurt even move to put myself out there and be taken advantage of, but I don't feel alive without me feeling and wanting to love and give."

Mirror, please address this as I feel similar, but I want to and am putting myself out there- I feel you can't win what you don't put in . . . Though I am having a hard time doing this. There is a wall, on my side that was never there before. How do I pull it down?

"My" guy has come back so I need your advice on how to protect myself while letting him back in. I have seen him and we text, I am by far more comfortable with the texting at this point.

Thank you; April 30, 2013 at 5:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies, unfortunately, this unnatural "discomfort" comes with change. Once the change is complete, it then becomes "natural." But you must realize that during times of transition, nothing feels natural and to expect it to will only set you up for disappointment. You need to get comfortable with the feeling of being uncomfortable in order to effect change.

And you're not going to feel vulnerable - because you're not BEING vulnerable anymore. That's the entire point ladies, LOL. The point when protecting yourself is that you only drop your guard and permit yourself to be vulnerable with men that have PROVED themselves worthy of that risk of vulnerability.

Otherwise, you're going to race head long into vibing off of emotions rather than logic with men again - which is what brought you here in the first place. There's a lot of talk of "emotions" and "feelings" here - but I see no talk of any wonderful, kind, caring and generous gestures any of these men have done to deserve that yet.

You're going to have to be patient until the transition is complete and things reach a point where your newly found strength begins to feel natural to you.

You're expecting to feel vulnerable (weak) because that's what has been comforting to you in the past. And when we become comfortable with habits, whether they be good or bad, they feel natural to us.

Instead, you should be relishing in your newly found independence (strength) and getting comfortable with THAT feeling so that eventually, IT becomes natural to you. Because vulnerability with strangers or those who have already proved themselves untrustworthy is not wise and if you insist on reverting back to that place of comfort, be it good or bad, you're going to find yourself on the short end of the stick again.

You have to trust in the process and BE the change that you want to become. Transition and change is NOT easy, nor should it be expected to be, and it doesn't feel natural or comfortable and won't - until it becomes habit. Falling back into old negative habits and patterns is much easier and more comforting in the short term - but not what's best in the long run.

"I want to and am putting myself out there"

You should NOT be putting yourself out there until a man PROVES himself first:

- What has he done to prove he's genuinely interested?

- How has HE been vulnerable with you?

- In what ways has he PROVED that he's genuinely interested?

- What has he done and what has he sacrificed to have earned this from you?

- Any ACTION at all, or just a bunch of talk?

"I feel you can't win what you don't put in"

Why "put in" and invest in something or someone that has not PROVED themselves worthy or made any investments in YOU yet? Why be so willing to hand yourself and your emotions over so freely at such an early stage without any investment made on HIS part?

Cont. . .; April 30, 2013 at 7:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "There is a wall, on my side that was never there before. How do I pull it down?"

Why would you want to pull down your wall and drop your guard and open yourself up to be possibly walked on, hurt or used by a man that's already previously proved himself UNWORTHY of what you want to so freely hand over? Isn't that the very behavior that landed you here in the first place?

Think about that. Because what I see here is a lot of longing for the way things used to be, when the reality is. . .THINGS USED TO BE CRAPPY. Why long for crappy and grieve it as a loss when shedding it should be heralded as a victory?

"I need your advice on how to protect myself while letting him back in."

I've provided plenty of advice in the posts and comments here on how to do that. And the way to do that is:

- Keep your guard up.

- See if the MAN pursues YOU.

- Make him PROVE himself to you - BEFORE you give anything away for free and invest feelings, emotions and time into him.

If you don't have the personal strength or desire to change and remove old patterns and behaviors that didn't serve you well and replace them with new ones that do - then there isn't much more I can do for you dear :-(

Again, change starts with YOU.

"I am by far more comfortable with the texting at this point."

That signals to me that you're NOT comfortable seeing him face to face, in which case I'd suggest you listen to your gut this time - it's trying to speak to you. Your longing of the way things used to be combined with your desire to return to old comfortable patterns and behaviors, is outweighing your desire to filter and ferret this man out as a genuinely interested man - BEFORE you jump in head first again.; April 30, 2013 at 7:33 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonwoman the Virgo

I'm happy to have shared my story with you, and other women here. It felt better to just write about what happened and get a good laugh about it later.

"I realised I've lost being natural in my communication with him, because of all the angst about getting it right this time, from the pain I suffered before."

That's exactly how I felt. I was so afraid of messing up, and saying the wrong thing. These men probably don't spend more than a minute thinking of what to write back to us. Why should we?

The easiest relationships I've had were with men who LOVED it when I just said whatever came into my head, and they did the same.

"Do you think he think you're only maybe in touch with him as he can help you further your career?"

Oh no we aren't in the same industry. I asked him for advice on what's a good web-based tool to help in managing multiple projects. He's a lawyer so I figured he should have an efficient system for getting stuff done. I think he was expecting me to be all sweet on him, but I wasn't...so he backed off.

If you tell a guy you miss him when you try to re-connect, it'll 1) stroke his ego and/or 2) take away the uncertainty of how you feel about him (so he'll lean back and it'll feel like you're pursuing).

I made this mistake earlier with another guy I re-connected with after 4 months of NC, who was also extremely excited to hear back from me (I reciprocated, and it did not end well). As they say, live and learn. That's why I went in cool with the Libra Guy...to feel him out... lean back and observe.

Why did you re-connect with your ex? And what's his astrological sign? I tried searching for your previous comments, and couldn't find your story.

- Vivian; April 30, 2013 at 10:15 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror

Thank you for the reminder that discomfort comes along with the change. I needed to read that.

I miss the times when I was between 15-21 years old when I was able to be vulnerable with new male friends, and some would develop into meaningful bf/gf relationships. I never had any issues with disappearing/reappearing guys... or having to put up my guard.

I poured my heart out constantly, and guys would want to PROTECT me, like I was a wounded bird. :-0

As you said before, perhaps times have changed. That or it's because I started online dating and that just made everything go to shitters.

- Vivian; April 30, 2013 at 10:20 PM
Lady Leo said...: Wow, chk61....You're state of being at this moment sounds very painful. It feels as if you have not detached from the state of "what if" instead of embracing "what is".

It feels as if you've developed huge expectations or perhaps "hopeful denial" that he is back to pursue you. I know cus I've been there LOL. When you tried to rationalize why a single man would be out on a Saturday night at your event, even staying late to tape you, and offer you medical guidance, you seem to be telling yourself he is doing this cus he is still interested and wants to reconnect with you. That is "feminine fantasy" thinking. Stop thinking like a woman, woman!! :)

Don't ever try to assume what someone, especially a man's motive is. Take it for what it is...a guy you once dated came to your event. Period. Because the fact is he may be lonely, or whatever. Or he could be totally in love with you, but UNTIL his actions speak for him, you must totally detach from any fantasize like assuming or "figuring out". Because you are so emotional, and so "outcome" oriented, my advice to you would resume total no contact. For YOUR sake. Because you are becoming blinded by these emo driven feelings and are likely to make a huge mistake. You are already discussing with friends whether he will call to ask you out next week. Slow down!!

You refer to him as a drug, getting your fix. This is very addictive thinking and everyone knows what awesome decisions an addict makes :)

self control is in order. All my opinion, of course, but your situation really makes me extremely glad the sag hasn't NOT responded the way your ex has. For me, making the logical decision to never return to him is being supported by the lack of these driving emotions, but I know me....if sad dude came roaring back on his steed, I am quite vulnerable to being intoxicated by him again.; April 30, 2013 at 10:43 PM
Lady Leo said...: Dear Aphrodite:

It just shocks the shitte out of me to read women posting over and over and over, asking the same questions of you "Will it work?...what if this...my case is different...". It's amazing how deeply intrenched our denial can me. I've finally figured it out.

Despite the fact that your article is accurately detailed, leaving no stone unturned about why they leave, how to perfectly go NC and what to do should they return, women continue to ask for you to repeat over and over again. It's denial!! I think deep down we just cannot accept that "we" are recipients of the disappearing man dysfunction and that WE have played a part of it all. We women are so desperate to regain the man who bailed that we are blinded by the reality of the situation, we want to continue to "think" that it's different in "my situation" therefore full on NC isnt necessary for me because after all, it's painful to let go.

Ladies, all the instructions, the reasoning, the benefit of NC is in the article AND the 2000+ postings here. Stop reading between the lines of what you WISH the article was saying and follow it to a T and you will reap a positive outcome, if nothing else, on your own self worth and esteem.; April 30, 2013 at 11:14 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Chk61,

Reading your and my last posts last night, I had a "WTF GIRL?" moment. The end of my post was all about him, him, him, him, him, him, him (no names needed) -- all directed outward towards a "him." Your post was similar.

We need to stop this!

Our lives are not about "him," whoever the current HE is at the moment. Neither is our growth and happiness. It is about US!

(just think about it... I'm going to continue to)

Hugs to all!; May 1, 2013 at 5:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
LOL, yea the denial is very present in these situations. It's natural to want to be told what you want to hear, but the reality is that reinforcement of what was NOT working is obviously not the way to go. Which is why you hear stories here occasionally of many women banding together and "reinforcing" one another's denial with advice to do the same thing one has always done. Which is usually something along the lines of, "Go ahead and gush on him and make sure to share all of the 150 feelings and emotions going on in your head at record speed and then proceed to call him incessantly until he picks up the phone. That should do it."

LOL, ;-)

And I've also noticed that some women, not all but some, have very long detailed questions that I take the time to flesh out and explain - only for them to turn around and take the advice of folks who are telling them what they want to hear instead, LOL.

Then they return here - and ask me how to fix it - again ;-)

Mistakes are a part of the learning process and those are to be expected along the way. But as long as the individual is truly TRYING to put change into place, progress is being made. Yourself, Gemini 50, chk61, HopefulWithMen and many others here are truly trying and learning and that's exactly as it should be. But others return time and time again to report that they were in no contact (for 5 days, LOL) and that after one phone call attempt from the man, they answered immediately and then proceeded to share heavy emotions and he pulled back from their emotional display - and now they don't know what to do.

Lessons in life come when we're ready for them. And if you don't get the message in the lesson, the universe has a funny way of continually throwing the opportunity to receive the message and learn the lesson in your face. . .until you get it. Either you finally get it or you simply just become disgusted that the same thing is happening repeatedly, LOL.

It is what it is. Some are ready to make progress and attempt to put the lessons in place and others simply are not. When their time comes, so will their lesson. That's how you have to look at it. People cannot truly change until they want to and old habits are hard to break.

When it happens, it's best to simply have a laugh over it, see the humor in it and try, try again, LOL ;-)

I obviously offend some when I am unable to tell them what they want to hear and some have even gotten a tad combative over not hearing what they want to hear. But I'm not here to reinforce negative behaviors, I'm here to assist in bringing about positive change, personal transformation, growth and enlightenment.

And no one ever said any of that was easy LOL ;-); May 1, 2013 at 8:46 AM
chk61 said...: @Lady Leo, Gemini 50 and Mirror of Aphrodite:

Yes, yes, yes! You are all of course, absolutely correct. I am REALLY trying to detach, I am. It's the physical longing and wanting to be close that really gets me. I get professional massages but that doesn't cut it. Four YEARS going by without significant loving touch with another human being (hopefully a man) just really takes it's toll on me.

I am not going to contact him again. I was wondering if I should reply to his last email where he said "let me know if you want to use (his health care provider)." His provider already stated in the email he forwarded to me that he could try but doubted he'd be able to really help my condition. So I just did not respond. And yes, I am concerned that he will somehow take that as non-interest...yet, in the past he has often not responded to my emails. AND I had already thanked him for coming to my event, for sending me the clip, in my prior email. So I'm just going to let it go, keep living my life, keep on, keepin' on. Breezy, happy as a lark, believing in the abundance of the Universe, that there attractive men on every street corner just waiting to meet me. ;-)

Yes, Lady Leo - as you said I did try to attach meaning to those actions of his. I did try to rationalize it as meaning it must mean more than he just wants to be my friend. These were ACTIONS from him, were they not? He showed up, he followed up, he offered help. But you are right, until additional concrete actions come from him, I can just take those actions for what they were: a "friend" coming out to see me (at my invitation), lending a helping hand, and doing something nice for me. That's all it means.

Mirror is right. I have to step back and see if he now chooses to PURSUE me. I will do nothing else and I will go about my day, my week as usual. I have done my action and I'm detaching from any outcome. This is out of my hands and that's OK.

I have been obsessing, I will admit. I'm only human but once again, I KNOW I will be fine with or without him. I did not even know he existed prior to six months ago! Today is a busy day and tonight I have plans to have dinner with friends at another friend's house which will be fun and will totally get my mind off of him.

Thanks everyone for your coaching, it is MOST appreciated. Onwards and upwards. All is well in my world!; May 1, 2013 at 10:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies,
Have a listen:

"Oh can it be, the voices calling me, they get lost and out of time. I should have seen it glow, but everybody knows - THAT A BROKEN HEART IS BLIND." ~ http://youtu.be/6k8es2BNloE

In otherwords ladies, it's normal to be blinded by the voices in your head when your heart has been broken. Don't beat yourself up for that, it's part of the human experience and each and every step along the way serves its purpose, whether you realize it or not. ;-); May 1, 2013 at 11:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and Mirrorettes,
Dated a Pisces guy for 3 dates, received an invite for 'dinner at his place' which I declined (too intimate), he withdrew, I reached out, we set another date, I grew worried about having reached out and withdrew, he got mad, I apologized, he came over to my place, we made out (vertically), he left as fast as lightning, he needed to have distance and think, I gave him all the distance he needed (10 days) plus a bonus-distance of 20 days for good measure (ha), he contacted me again and proposed to spend a Saturday together, which I declined with an excuse but I did propose having a breakfast on a terrace somewhere, he kept it vague and on the day itself did not show up because he had slept late and looked bad (allergy). I said fine, see ya (but am thinking jeez can't he be bothered to get out of bed for me?!). Last week he tries again and proposes a nice daytime date (a walk in the forest + lunch) coming Saturday but today (Wednesday) he cancels 'because the weather will be bad' (forecast says only 20% chance of rain?!) and asks if I am OK with postponing it to next Thursday. I have not responded yet. My gut is saying to cut this fish loose, hehehe. But now I am wondering: If we are to let a man lead, then shouldn't I let him lead and agree to next Thursday? But I have the feeling its his terms only. But isn't that what a man leading should feel like? He is not disrespectful to me, and he does not stand me up, he's just lukewarm at best and that annoys my ego. Do we put egos aside when it comes to letting a man lead or do we decide a lukewarm aproach is not comfortable enough? I feel that everytime I go back from fairly warm to room temperature with this guy. I have no problem with walking away, the question is where the 'letting the man lead' crosses into the 'nope it's not good enough'. Mirros, ladies, what are your thoughts? Should I stick with it and let him 'reveal himself' or does this guy smell like Eau de Self-Absorbed to you too? Mickey; May 1, 2013 at 12:03 PM
VirgoPal said...: Yeah, men are very simple. I learned not to think beyond the things they do. When my disappearing reappearing man came back I figured it was more because he was lonely/looking for sex vs wanting to fix the issue he caused. I ran into him unexpectedly at a coffee shop, so when he saw me I guess he thought I was an option again. I played along, but I soon realize that that he was just a narcissistic player looking for a source of supply. He was calling, texting, and initiating encounters more frequently. I thought maybe he turned the corner, but he tried to reset the clock sort of speak as if the past never happened to game me into bed. Then he started to emotionally manipulate me by telling me he would stop calling if I didn't have sex, tried to make me jealous of other women, and put me down to make me feel inadequate. Clearly, this wasn't a man who was looking to make amends, right?

Like Lady Leo said, you have to accept "what is" rather than "what if." Men don't change very easily. If you can't accept their insecurities, inadequacies, or loser mentality, he is not the one for you. My failure in my experience is not accepting my guy for who he is when HE TOLD ME. He said he wasn't a good man...literally! That was confirmed. He told me he thought marriage was overrated, and he believed in poly amorous relationships. Hell, he told me he liked being single ON THE FIRST DATE! Which he confirmed by saying he's emotionally unavailable. Yeah, and I was still entertaining him afterwards. When these men come back they assume that you understand them for who they are, and everything they mentioned prior is still relevant. If they said they didn't want a relationship before, its likely they don't want anything different when they reappear. That's why you need to figure out by not sleeping with them if they just want a booty call because its the more likely the scenario. Unless there was a really legit reason for them to disappear or stop talking to me, I will never give a disappearing man a chance ever again. Most men won't disappear for months unless they are sleeping with someone else or they wanted to pursue something else.In that case I won't be the fall back girl.

The way to attract the right man is to become right with yourself. You attract what you are. If you are emotionally unavailable, you will stick with someone else who is too. If you are insecure, you will probably attract insecure men also.; May 1, 2013 at 2:20 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello ladies:

I don't have anything exciting to add about my dating life, but we all enjoy updates so here's mine:

Aries guy is done. I just faded away from him and he let me. every few days he'd text, even ask to call me. I delayed the call when I was sick so he just flitted off somewhere wherever Aries men go. We live 120 miles away and he obviously doesn't want to endure that. That's fine cus he bored me silly.

The principal...well...him... :) He is a Cancer I found out. 6 yr younger, though looks older than me cus he has really awful skin and little hair. LOL. To look at him, he's not a hottie but his personality is so cool, makes me interested. Bad news is I cannot tell if he is still married. He was, but don't know current status so I'm not doing anything about it. Except smile during our meetings and be my awesome self. Saw him today in a group setting and we all laughed. Time will tell, I suppose.

No other prospects on the horizon despite all the kooks who email me from the dating site. Oy, what a bunch of nutsies.

Keep smiling ladies...YOU are awesome!!; May 1, 2013 at 5:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mickey,
"If we are to let a man lead, then shouldn't I let him lead and agree to next Thursday?"

That's up to you, if you think you want to extend another chance here. But bear in mind, I only suggest actually FOLLOWING a real man, LOL. Not some wishy-washy flake. Yes, let a man lead, but don't follow an idiot over a cliff, LOL. Besides, I think he's already shown you enough to make an informed decision here:

1) He's unreliable.

2) He won't go out of his way (to even get out of bed).

3) He withdrew and you handled it gracefully. Yet when you withdrew, he got angry like a child.

4) He bailed because of weather conditions (lame).

"But I have the feeling its his terms only. But isn't that what a man leading should feel like?"

No dear. A true gentleman considers the woman into the equation as well. When a gentleman leads, it's not his way or the highway. A true gentleman will be man enough to take the lead, but he will also be man enough to consider the woman and her wants/needs/desires, etc. into his final decision. He'll ask for input from the woman so he can use that input to make his final decision, thus placing the woman's needs/wants/desires into the equation as well. With a true gentleman, it's not about him - it's about "we." It's not, "Where do I go" it's "where do WE go, where do I take US." He'll ask for input and take the woman's desires into consideration so that he knows which direction to lead into.

"he's just lukewarm at best"

That amounts to mediocre and in dating, mediocre doesn't cut it (unless you're a player seeking free sex, then mediocre will do just fine, LOL ;-)

"Do we put egos aside when it comes to letting a man lead or do we decide a lukewarm approach is not comfortable enough?"

For a good man that's treating you right and being respectful, reliable, consistent and is regularly showing a genuine interest - yes, you place go on the back burner (i.e. don't be a selfish diva and make ridiculous requests from a good man simply because you think you can get away with it).

But with a man that's inconsistent, unreliable, childish and is exhibiting that he's half interested at best - nope, don't settle for that.

"does this guy smell like Eau de Self-Absorbed to you too?"

He reeks dear, LOL. Always listen to your gut. Women's intuition is rarely, if ever, wrong.; May 1, 2013 at 5:32 PM
AnonWoman said...: @Vivian,

"If you tell a guy you miss him when you try to re-connect, it'll 1) stroke his ego and/or 2) take away the uncertainty of how you feel about him (so he'll lean back and it'll feel like you're pursuing)."

You're so right. I should have gone with my gut. Anyway, I've not replied to him yet. What would you do? I'm thinking given he knows I'm a little peed off, that, if I take a while to respond, let the waters calm, then just be cool in my next response yet warm and emotionally intelligent and philosophical, in my next communication, which I will send a week after his last one. That should create some uncertainity in him that I've taken so long to respond, don't you think?

He is an April 5th Aries.

I just missed him and he kept viewing me on linkedin, so I used that as a chance to return his views of me, not totally as me diving in without his first move, if that makes sense?; May 1, 2013 at 6:00 PM
Anonymous said...: The way to attract the right man is to become right with yourself. You attract what you are. If you are emotionally unavailable, you will stick with someone else who is too. If you are insecure, you will probably attract insecure men also.

VirgoPal...really? How about the positives? All I see here is negatives. Granted you can be all those things but what about if you're faithful, loving, generous, affectionate, sensitive, etc. wouldn't you attract someone else who's the same way? Or does it only apply when it's in a negative light?; May 1, 2013 at 6:21 PM
Lovingme said...: Hello MOA & to all the ladies, I just realized something & wanted to share. You know I never thought that disappearing was such an offense until now. When he would disappear I wouldn't even care that much because there were other guys I was dating, & other things in my life that kept me occupied. Also I never contacted him during this process.

When he would return, I would just welcome him back like it wasn't nothing. I never thought it was a big deal, never stressed to him that I cared that he disappeared, which is why he thought it was ok to keep doing it. I didn't know how to give him consequences because I didn't know how to, but knowing what I know now it's rude, & disrespectful. I also thought about this...the things that I get angry about with him, lies within myself, meaning maybe he thought that I was disappearing, not sharing my feelings, seeing someone else, which is why he acted accordingly, because again, I never called him, maybe once or twice during the disappearance & he would be available to me. He told me that I never call him, which I think he was hinting at something else, but I didn't care to explain.

So I'm thinking we were mirroring each other in a sense. I get confused because he would initiate contact (90% of the time), make time for me, ask me out, & if he couldn't make it he'd call me to tell me, but twice he didn't, I didn't really make a big deal out of it though. He would spend a lot of time with me even when I didn't have sex with him.

But...being that I was available for him to come back into MY life EACH & EVERY time, he never suffered a loss & took me for granted & didn't feel like he had to lift a finger to satisfy me which is why he flaked out this time. I was 25 DAYS into NC!!!! I got drunk & called him out of loneliness & screwed the entire thing up. He was making several attempts to get my attention & after the 6th attempt I fell victim. (slapping myself) I reassured him that I'm still here & he flaked out. MOA, says that he should say something to the affect of "can we talk". He didn't say that, but said he wanted to see me, so I thought it was ok...HUGE MISTAKE!!!!!

Well...I'm done. I'm really done. I'm tired of his behavior towards me. I'm tired of trying to figure out, analyze, & wonder why. I'm done. I'm so fed up with his shit it's not even funny. I blame myself because I allowed it for so long. I didn't know any better, but now that I do he can really fuck off. I DO NOT deserve that from anyone & I WILL NOT accept that behavior from him or anyone else EVER AGAIN. He's young, immature, insecure, & doesn't know who he is. I don't have time for that & I'm so over him & his bullshit. There is someone out there waiting for me to let this douchebag go, to come in & show me what a REAL man is like.

I had to let that out guys...thanks.; May 1, 2013 at 7:54 PM
Lovingme said...: Because the sad fact of the matter is, many men (not all but many, particularly the difficult one's, the insecure guys) will see that in a heartbeat and say to themselves, "BINGO! I got her - right where I want her. So now, my work is done. I don't have to try anymore. I don't have to try to impress her, I don't have to try to win her over, I don't have to try period because I got her right where I want her."

And that is exactly what he did to me. I gave him the reassurance he was seeking...until next time. He will come looking for it again. Only thing is, I won't be on the other side.; May 1, 2013 at 8:07 PM
Lovingme said...: What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

This time around, I also believe this happened in a sense. Being that I didn't answer him right away like I would do before. I'm sorry if I'm in a posting frenzy, lol, I just happen to be reading it over & there were some things I wanted to elaborate on.; May 1, 2013 at 8:12 PM
Lady Leo said...: Mickey:

I Lol'd at "mirrorettes" and the "bonus 20 days". I like you, girl! Yeah, you handled him right for the most part. I do agree with MOA. He is "reeking". But it might just mean he needs some more of that bonus time off LOL.

His slothing off in bed instead of jumping up with excitement to see you is a tell tale sign. You must read "Why men love bitches" to re-learn your value. I know for me, when I get all crushy over a guy I tend to "forget" my worth. But all this pain of disappearing dudes makes me remember toot sweet.

Also read about how valuable the law of scarcity is. Once you treat yourself like the diamond you are, so will HE!!

:); May 1, 2013 at 9:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 1, 6:21 PM,
Actually, when working with the Law of Attraction, negative energy is powerful, many times even more so than positive energy. For two main reasons:

1) There is a lot of emotion associated with negative thought.

2) The negative thoughts become the focus on a subconscious level.

And this combo of negative "emotion" and "focus" can be deadly.

Because the negative energy becomes your focus on a subconscious level, even if unknowingly. Whatever you are more focused on is what you attract and generally, when people are "feeling" (emotion) insecure and emotionally damaged (emotions), THAT is what they are SUBCONSCIOUSLY focused on.

Whatever you are "consumed" with will become your subconscious thoughts.

So if you are consumed with negative feelings on a subconscious level - then that's exactly what you attract back to yourself - because that's what you're emitting unknowingly because it's given a much higher frequency of vibration due to the focus being placed behind it on a subconscious level.

Negative thoughts are powerful and need to be avoided at any and all costs.

http://creationthoughts.com/2008/04/21/law-of-attraction-residual-negative-energy/; May 2, 2013 at 8:43 AM
Anonymous said...: @AnonWoman

Don't worry, all is well. You told him you missed him and you can't take it back now... but you CAN play it cool going forward, and feel good about the way you're interacting with him.

If I were you - I would just be cool, and respond when you are in a relaxed state. Don't get hung up over replying within X days, unless he takes a week to get back to you (then you should mirror him).

If he's timely with his responses (I've been involved with 3 Aries men and they always respond within 1-2 days even if I took a week), I think it's safe to take 3 days to get back to him.

Just don't play games or try to manipulate (they see through it and it could backfire). Be your independent, cool self... and when you get around to replying, do it then.

I know what you mean by not "diving in without his first move", but it's still pursuing. I did the same with the Libra Guy; he viewed my dating profile multiple times last month, so I felt like he might still be curious about me.

I have no regrets, but really, I suggest you lean back and don't pour your heart out too much - since you initiated contact. Observe and see whether he comes to you.

- Vivian; May 2, 2013 at 3:28 PM
chk61 said...: Damn you, red wine!

I went to a friend's house for dinner and the red wine was flowing liberally. I had purposefully *not* responded to his email sent Monday to create a little tension. He did say in that email to "let him know" if I wanted to use his health care provider.

So last night when I got home I decided it would be rude to NOT respond to that email at all. Perhaps my intuition was correct, I don't know. So actually, I did wait more than two days and when it felt natural to respond last night (emboldened by red wine), I did. Basically I thanked him but for reasons I won't go into, said I probably would not be using his person. I was friendly, did not pursue, basically it was informational and breezy.

Yet somehow I'm afraid it will be construed as pursuit. He has not responded.

Gotta get off this rollercoaster. Gotta meet other men. Gotta continue to remind myself of my worth. I think I'm in the throes of menopause, I am constantly fighting back tears. Thanks to all for letting me vent here...; May 2, 2013 at 4:29 PM
Lovingme said...: @chk61, I feel your pain on the red wine! :( I made the same mistake. But it's ok though.

Doesn't this just suck ass ladies? How we all are venting about these immature boys who play these games with us? It's like if you don't want me then just let ME go!!!!

We must consider ourselves a rare, beautiful diamond. Our love, patience, passion, tenderness, our heart, the cookie, lol...is a rare diamond that should be given to the highest bidder. The "boys" that are bidding are bargaining, wanting discounts, giving coupons, & want them for cheaper prices.

A diamond cannot be bargained, there are no discounts, there are no coupons & any bidders who are offering that should be eradicated. If they're offering crumbs to get that diamond, they won't take care of it & they're not worth it.

Wait until the highest bidder gets to the auction. He sees this rare diamond. He sees how beautiful it shines, how vibrant it's luster is & he wants it. He wants it bad & he stops at nothing to win. He knows it's worth a fortune so he knows he cannot bargain or try to lower the price...he bids away.

The other bidders grew weary so they quit. It was just too expensive for them, so they go seeking a cubic zirconia or a fake replica & they quit. The bidder keeps bidding & eventually he wins the auction.

We're all diamonds ladies...these men are low bidders. They don't see the worth in the diamonds because we've sold them at cheaper prices, but the good news is...the auction is not over. The highest bidder will be arriving soon...:); May 2, 2013 at 7:29 PM
Anonymous said...: chk61 let go of ur tears. that could be a part of that toxic waste that you dont need. hello ladies. i have been reading these post for quite some time now . and i found alot of strength for you ladies. i will call my self some one special. well my story is i have been talking to a taurus male that is 11 yrs my jr. i kinda felt that this man had some power over me that i couldnt break.he and i bouth are first time divorceies. well he tell me that this woman took him for bad he all in debt and the whold nine . i with my soft self was sad for him and helped him out one a few bills and all but he would be so disrepectful after . not in a way as to talk dirty or fight . he would go right back under his rock and hide for days he did say to me that he is sad because he wants to do better but keep getting turned down for a second job,has one very good job but the ddivorce debt is eating it all away . a part of me wants to belive when he say he isnt happy without money to buy me gifts . well last week i told him im not doing this anymore with him because money dont make a person happy.i told im im leaveing he said to me im not going anywhere. i told him this was best so i can stay healthy. he said to me i said you not going anywhere.well he txed when he got home i didnt say but two words and thats it. hte next day he txed again at the end of his day again i was short with words. i did that to let him know i ment what i said so im in n/c to heal myself and every day i wake up is better thaanks to you ladies . yes i shedded tears but i know it a sign that its going to be ok . i know thats not the kind of man i want to be with.so when he come from under his rock guess what. lol the sun will be so hot that he will be glad to go back where he came from . im pisces. he saw the good fish he dont know how mean and nasty the other fish can be . so ladies if you feel like crying do it let the toxic stuff go.keep your heads up and strut what your momas gave you. most of these men forgot they came from a woman.; May 2, 2013 at 7:32 PM
Lady Leo said...: chk61....

:(

Can't blame the wine. You gotta blame your mindset. "would be rude?". You're not Miss Manners. Wasn't it rude that HE dumped you in silence?

You're minimizing to justify your obsession to stay connected to him. You are trying to control something, this situation, of which you cannot control.

If the guy wants ya, he will move heaven and earth to get you!! The person you should be obsessing over is yourself.

Where is SHE?; May 2, 2013 at 7:39 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Greetings all,

Tuesday during the day, I was feeling down, and trying to figure out why. Finally I came to the realization that sometimes we are sad, but that it doesn't have to be because of a particular person. Life is sometimes hard and challenging and sometimes that's sad. I just need to work through it, it'll change.

Tuesday night I was thankful for a retirement dinner to distract me from thinking about whether or not Scorpio would contact me. I ended up sitting with "the guys," and had a nice time. While driving home I was thinking of my life and felt an acceptance within myself re: the fact that I am totally alone in this world.

Before anyone says, "Aw, she's got family, friends, etc.," yes, that is true. But not family I can count on, nor friends available to help me when things go wrong -- they all have lives, responsibilities, etc.

As I became one with this realization, and thinking about all of my responsibilities with work and home, I thought, "I can do this. Whatever comes my way, I will be able to handle it... I am going to be ok." I was thinking about ME, not anyone else (and it was probably why I recognized all the HIMs in my prior post.)

Wednesday morning I did something I haven't done in years: I put on a skirt and heels for work. I was back to being tall (I'm almost 5' 10" without heels). I looked and felt pretty good for a single 50-yr old broad who's paid plenty of dues in life and is now happy as a peach. ;)

Wednesday night a girlfriend came over for dinner and tells me her 50-something landlord, who is recently divorced, asked her the day before, "Do you think (Gemini 50) would have sex with me?"

I asked, "He didn't really say it that way, did he?" Yup, he did.

Although my reaction was an assertive "Hell NO!" his statement really bummed me out.
I felt myself looking outward again. I was asking myself over and over why would HE say that? Why wouldn't HE ask, "Do you think she'd go out with me? or something similar. And then I started thinking about Virgo and HIS behavior, and Scorpio and HIS behavior, and my positive turn went South.

This morning I kept telling myself that what the landlord said doesn't matter, he's a jerk. Virgo's behavior didn't matter. Scorpio's behavior didn't matter. I mattered. I needed to get back to thinking of myself and not any of the HIMs, but I am having a hard time getting rid of it.

I want to know, "WTF is wrong with these men?" WTF makes a man think he can have sex with a woman without caring to try to treat well? C'mon, weren't there Cavemen in the day that cared about their women? Cared to make an impression? Cared to put the effort in, in order for her to choose him? Where the F did this attitude come from? I WANT TO KNOW! I want to know so I can see it coming before it ever gets close to me and so I can stay clear away from it.

Chk61, hang in there. I know how you feel. When my gut sinks at the (irrational) thought that Virgo or Scorpio were my last chances to partner with a man (I was attracted to), I just breath. Sometimes that is the best I can do: breath to get through it...

I just had a thought: labor pains. Think of how painful it was to bring a new life into this world... if we breath through this current pain, without pushing that baby back into the womb, maybe we'll finally hold in our arms another precious gift: Our true selves. hmmm....

Peace to All! {and HUGS!}; May 2, 2013 at 7:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
I feel your pain and I just dealt with a man in the comments, a PUA (pick up artist, I'm quite sure) on this piece here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/online-internet-dating-advice-dos-donts-women-mistake.html

Ladies, read that last comment on that thread from a reader.

If you sense one whiff of that air of entitlement in a man - and I man ONE DAMN WHIFF - you DO NOT waste one ounce of time on a man like that. NOT ONE. He will tear you down and make you feel worthless in a heartbeat so that HE can FEEL GOOD about HIMSELF.

No way. When speaking to men, if you sense one air of entitlement like that - YOU RUN. A man like that doesn't know the first thing about making a woman happy and as you can see from his comment, his only goal in life is to get laid. It's his entire perspective.; May 3, 2013 at 9:13 AM
AnonWoman said...: @Vivian and @Mirror,

Well I finally responded to Aries after four days, He wrote back within one hour. Then I didn't respond. So he wrote again three hours later.

I responded the next day.

Good you think? Wrong. All he cared about was whether I was still going to write this romantic novel about us two, and that his name would not be uncovered. I told him no I'd not progressed it since our last communication on the 3rd December.

I said a few more things like I thought it was good to get things off my chest on the emails but that meeting up and seeing how each other were would (I decided to write past tense) have been a better option than emailing. But that I thought email for this type of talk was not the best method of communication.

I also said that I'd got agitated with him as I'd said so much but he just gave me bullet points with no explanation.

Anyway he responds a couple of hours later and said.

"Cool, that sounds better.

Glad that's done"

I then wrote back saying:
"Yes we could never have met up without getting all those issues out of the way first as it would have made me uncomfortable. I was just sick of being nice to you as you didn't deserve it. But as I say, I've got it out there now. "

Anyway, no response.

We're done now. It really is over for good.

At least I am not fantasising about him coming back now.

Yes, getting it off my chest and telling him I missed him was a bad move. However, he clearly doesn't give a shit about me. I expect he just wondered how I was before, probably his ego needing stroking or he missed me. Now we've cut to the chase, he has nothing to give me.

We are truly over for good now.

My psychic was convinced the man who'd argued with me and turned his back on committment with me (only one guy done that, Aries) would come dashing back into my life like a loon giving it all the love and affection. But she told me not to do anything, but wait for him. She said before the healing holiday we'd have in April / May 2013, that there would be me saying I'd had enough.

So, I don't know if that's me now saying that which I did do last week....or me saying that back in December. It would be nice if it was me now saying it and that it still may happen, this healing holiday. She said he'd come dashing back and then a gun shot rushed wedding straight after.

She has always been right.

But now I've intiatied the contact on the back of him viewing me twice on linkedin, told him I miss him (against Mirror's advice), given the way he is now, that ain't gonna happen. My destiny has changed.; May 3, 2013 at 12:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and all ladies!

@Mirror
You wrote the PUA a perfect answer, he can be very grateful to you. Hopefully, he has taken it to his heart.(-:

@chk61
I like it how you´ve been able to treat this man recently - you were light and breezy. I think that you´ve handled all of this very well although it has been more or less a "performance" on your side. At this point it would be ideal to achieve the same state of mind in reality. I am sure you´ll manage to do so! And I even think that if the man feels that you´ve changed, he´ll change too. I think it would be very useful to follow Mirror´s advice and not to pursue him in any way, and at the same time to focus on yourself and forbid yourself thinking about him and analysing his words and actions. Just don´t think, and if you need to think, think about different things, e.g. what a wonderful woman you are!(-: Because, as Mirror has said, and I can confirm this from my own experience, the man feels how you feel about him or yourself even when you are not together! He subconsciously perceives it even from a distance. And when you are emotionally dependent on him,it puts him off. So be light and breezy not only in his presence but also in his absence. And this advice is intended not only for chk61 but for everybody who needs it including myself.(-:

I wish everybody a nice weekend!
HopefulWithMen; May 3, 2013 at 4:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
You've come such a long way dear, and I was honestly very concerned for you when you first showed up here.

You should be very proud of yourself. You're stronger than you realized, you just needed a little push in the right direction is all. And you're so strong that you're now here, able to lend logical assistance and helpful support to other women ;-)

And if you liked my response to the recent PUA comment here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/online-internet-dating-advice-dos-donts-women-mistake.html

Then you'll love Peters, too, LOL ;-) That PUA is a total jag and he's EXACTLY the type of man we discuss on this site. The peek that he gave us all into his warped and misguided little world is EYE OPENING indeed.

LADIES, I STRONGLY URGE YOU TO VISIT THE MOST RECENT COMMENTS ON THE POST I REFERENCED ABOVE AND VIEW WHAT THAT MAN SAID. HE IS PRECISELY THE TYPE OF MAN THAT WOMEN NEED TO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM. READ HIS COMMENT AND NEVER FORGET IT.

BECAUSE A MAN LIKE THAT WILL DO SERIOUS DAMAGE TO A WOMAN - TAKE HEED OF THAT MAN'S THOUGHTS AND WHEN YOU GET A WHIFF OF ENTITLEMENT FROM A MAN LIKE THAT - YOU RUN, AND YOU NEVER, EVER LOOK BACK.

Keep your guards up gals ;-); May 3, 2013 at 5:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you MOA for your response on 4 30 at 7:33p. I will follow your advice to the T as deep down I know you are right. Time will tell if he is genuinely interested.; May 4, 2013 at 12:48 AM
Anonymous said...: @Hi Mirror,
thank you you for your kind words. I will always be grateful to you because you helped me to spare myself of a lot of trouble and I have learned and am still learning a lot from your advice.

As for my "advice" to chk61, I wouldn´t dare give recommendations to anybody as I myself need some guidance, I just wrote what came to my mind when I read her comment.I am afraid I´ll be back asking for help myself some time.

Best wishes,
HopefulWithMen; May 4, 2013 at 12:48 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks to all for your helpful comments.

I've been working on letting go, living each day as it comes, trying not to project what may happen or what may NOT happen.

Even took the plunge and put up a new online dating profile with a photo. This is on the site we met on so he may see me. Will admit it worried me that if he saw me with a brand new profile and photo he would think "she's not interested in me" and due to his insecurity he will just disappear again. I even toyed with the idea of inviting him to another event next week, a cool art/music performance thing I am going to (a friend is performing) but this would be me PURSUING and that did not bode well for me last time.

I can't sit around hoping this guy comes around so I'm putting myself out there to meet other men. I'm human, I have needs and I want some lovin' in my life. I want to care for someone and in turn, I want to be cared for. Is that so horrible to admit? In this culture that praises the individual and individual achievement we're all supposed to be so completely happy alone, "oh I don't need anyone", etc. The truth is, we do need other people. We need friends, family, lovers. We need people who we can depend on and who can depend on us. I, for one, am not liking the idea of spending the rest of my life alone.

So if he sees I'm putting myself out there and it scares him away, so be it. He's OUT THERE! He's online all the time! This guy is not banging my door down, he's still actively checking out all his other options. I am moving on. If he wants me, he certainly knows where to find me!

Sigh. My mantra: all is well in my world. What will be, will be and everything will happen the way it is supposed to.; May 4, 2013 at 1:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

This is Capricorn Lady 29 age..Firstly,I wil Like to THANK U 4 great article Insights.Plus,I Hate to read someone calling your comments Bitchy. You are simply GREAT human being to handle all this really well..

I am going through hell of pain.I will highly appreciate your quick advise.I was in a casual relationship wid a Men from 4 years.He is a Saggitarius..In Fact,It was serious relation at times too.he use to express marrying me indirectly at times.However,He use to always delay all action.One day,I found out he was hiding one relation from me..He did not tell me till end.Overall,he cheated me.I got to know only very late widout my fault.He got engaged and never even informed me.I was shocked as he intended to still be wid me..As soon as I found out,I immediatedly blocked him from my life.Cut Him from all newtrorking sites,etc.I went NO Contact and NEVER contacted me.I felt sick and went through hell..Finally,He comes back to wish me on MY Birthday.He contacted me twice wishing me bday BUT I DID NOT respond..He called by fone and messaged,emailed both..
Next,He smartly sent me a FORWARD Message about some messenger on email and phone both twice exactly after 1 Month again BUT I did NOT respond as I am still HURT.I do Love him but I want to use my head this time..AFTER 1 Month,He has contacted me Yet again 4th time by small email asking How are you?..I still did NOT reply as He was a friend and I was very loyal to him so I deserve s sorry at least..Morever,I found he lied to me a lot in all 4 years as he was seeing HIS Friend who I doubted many times but he kept denying making me feel guilty..Plus,I feel,He may be missing me NOW and perhaps even realise his mistake.Dunno...However,I have been attached to him..At same time,I don't want to be trated badly so I dint feel lik responding to him dis easily..He is still not saying sorry..

Can you please advise me IF I should reply to him OR shd I wait Longer??; May 4, 2013 at 1:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous, May 4, 1:32 PM,
I responded to your question on the "No Contact" piece already. I've copied it below:

"Sweetie, if you want to "use your head" this time - then you WON'T let this man back into your life. A leopard doesn't change it's spots dear and if you think he will change, you're caving in to fantasy thinking.

He's already proved he's:

1) A comfortable liar
2) Not to be trusted
3) Unreliable
4) Inconsistent
5) Sneaky
6) A cheat

None of which make for "prince charming" my dear. He's a snake in the grass. And there's an old story about the snake in the grass - and this story was actually told to me by AN EX that CHEATED on me.

One day, a little boy found a snake in the grass. The snake was injured. The little boy took the snake home and nurtured it back to health.

Once the snake was healthy again, it bit the boy one day. The boy ran to his mother and said, "Mommy, the snake bit me!"

The mother turned and looked calmly into her child's eyes and said, "What did you expect dear? It was always a snake."

He's a snake. And if you let him back into your life - HE WILL BITE YOU SOMEDAY."; May 5, 2013 at 8:50 AM
Lady Leo said...: Here is my LOL of the day:

A guy on match.com sends me a cute comment about something in my profile. Score 1 point for his actually reading it! I reply in the morning with a funny, short retort. He replied within the hour saying "funny girl". I do not reply. An hour later he writes again making another comment about something on the profile. I reply with another brief comment. He replies immediately with his phone number, wanting me to call him.

I LOL'D all over myself. Just another lazy man. Wth is wrong with him asking "Hey, would you like to chat sometime? May I call you?". Ffs!

so, I've ignored it. I got wonderful things to do this lovely sunday. (Just finished steam cleaning my tile...LOL). Really...some men. what's so funny is my determined sleuthing skills: Just from his screen name and zip code I found out he's been married, and divorced, THREE times!! Now is that a bad thing...? I dunno, but I red a flag and it's red!; May 5, 2013 at 11:44 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi there,

Please could I have some support/advice.
I'm not sure if the man I've been communicating with is a dissappearing man yet or what category he falls under as I'm a former initiator haha but I'm learning quickly. As I used to initiate so I don't know what I've got on my hands, in terms of whether it's normal man behaviour i.e submerging and coming up for air or whether I've got a half interested, insecure or player etc.

So I've put him on a test to find out. The last time I did it he initiated contact just over a week later, were coming up to a week now since last contact, so I don't know that I can call him a dissappearing men as yet, however he did ignore a text when I slipped up. There is definitely something holding him back but don't know what as yet. I've decided to wait and see what his move is, if any and if he does contact me then I'm going to leave it 2-3 days as advised in the articles, then mirror him.

Please could you tell me if there is a massive difference between leaving it for 2days or three? Would it be ok for two days as sometimes you say that or is three much better?

I'm definitely going to hold out, even if this has to develop into the 1 month contact as I don't want to cause myself anymore pain and have to start all over again with not contacting.

Although it's early days, sometimes I feel really empowered but then quickly I can feel really anxious. I can understand why many women cave in because it's not easy handling that anxiety. for me I think the anxiety is about the potential loss and him not contacting, even though I do realise that I don't know whether he's worth it yet or not. I keep reading the stuff on here which helps but if there is anything else that you could suggest that would help with those panic/anxiety feelings I would really appreciate any encouragement!

thank you

Sugar plum; May 5, 2013 at 3:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA....I have read all of your posts and your responses to the comments. I love everything you've said and have practiced some of the disappearing acts. Here's my situation. I'm currently working on my masters degree and i met this guy in my class last year. At that time I was in a relationship so I really didn't pay him any attention. However, at the end of the last class a couple of the classmates went out for a drink, exchanged numbers to keep in touch throughout our education. While sitting at the bar, I noticed we were the last 2 there. We'd exchanged numbers to keep in touch especially since we're pursuing the same degree. We've communicated a few times over the phone, but nothing serious. Meanwhile, a few months later in December, my relationship began to unfold/end. I was in need of a man's opinion, so I called him and talked to him about my situation. Later that evening, I texted him to see if he wanted some company because I didn't want to go home to the apartment my now ex and I shared. while I was at his home, he gave me a glass of wine and we talked. I was too much in pain/tense to notice if he was making any advances at me. So, during the week of Christmas, I had decided to move out of the apartment my ex and I shared because things were getting worse. After moving out, I received a text from him and he invited me over to his home to watch a movie. We watched the movie alright! Yes, it happened. Since then we've been in touch more ways than often. We've been intimate in numerous occassions. I really felt that he caught me at my low point and vulnerability and I gave in.

Four months after my last relationship ending, the classmate and I will nowandagain go out to dinner, or somewhere, or i'll invite him over and then we're engaged in intimate matters. Now, I am starting to like him more than I thought I've would. So, I began to do the disappearing act, not calling him for 3-5 days and not texting him or responding to any of his texts/calls. I've told him how I felt and i'm not interested in having just a bed buddy.

I'm confused at this point. I like him, but I keep falling prey to sleeping with him. Even when I haven't seen him in a few days or a week. We're both in school and work full time. He told me he likes me and doesn't see me as a sex object. Each time we kiss, its very passionate. I've been dating other men while talking/texting him when I feel like it, but since I like him more than the other men i'm dating. It seems that I am unable to separate my feelings. That being said, this past Friday, I was out with another man, he text me. I didn't respond. I get an early morning phone call from him asking if he could read my book because he hasn't gotten his book in the mail. Well, I let him come and "read my book", instead, he went towards my room and we slept together. after the intimacy was over, we got dress and went out to eat, shopping, go-karts, shopping again, out to eat again, and back to my place. I couldn't believe this man spent the entire day with me. He has never did this before. He stayed over and I cooked us breakfast and we both went our separate ways.

I'm so confuse. I know he probably knows that I am dating other man, but I also think he knows that he has me in a position where he wants me. I don't like being in this position. So, I'm asking you if you could provide me some suggestions or opinions on how to handle my situation. Oh, I didn't mention, we have class together again. So, we'll be seeing each other 2 days a week. I don't want that kindof relationship. I feel like I'm week and can't stop sleeping with him and letting him come into my life when he's not working/doing his homework or whatever else he has going on in his life. I've told him before of the kindof relationship I want and etc. but I can't seem to shake it. Please help.....

SORRY, for this looong story!!!; May 5, 2013 at 8:27 PM
Anonymous said...: @AnonWoman

I'm sorry to hear how it all went down. :-(

(What happened to your plan to be cool and emotionally intelligent?)

I know it feels better to get what you needed to say off your chest - and I've done this more times than I should in the past, but it won't get you the outcome that you want.

Let this one go...it sounds like he will only piss you off, and cause you to feel disappointed when the psychic's predictions don't come true (been there, done that).

- Vivian; May 6, 2013 at 1:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sugar Plum,
Wait the three days when dealing with a man that's displaying he's only half interested. Hang back with a guy like that, do not go rushing in.

When dealing with anxiety, you don't let those feelings take control. You have to ACTIVELY distract yourself. Meaning, when those feelings start to come on - you need to literally physically move. You need to get up and become active in some manner and let the activity your involved in distract you and burn off that anxiety.

You cannot sit and dwell in it because it goes to your head then and gets worse. You have to do something to distract yourself. Something such as:

1) Exercise
2) Cleaning
3) A hobby
4) Lunching with friends
5) Go shopping
6) Go for a walk

Anything along those lines. A physical activity will help to burn that anxious energy off and rest the mind.; May 6, 2013 at 8:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AnonWoman,
Regarding the psychic dear, please do not give that too much weight. Meaning, those types of things are meant for "entertainment" purposes. You cannot rely on those things to guide you in life.

I'm a Tarot card reader myself. I'm not a professional, I don't make money doing that, however, when I read for people, I always make it clear that the activity is meant for entertainment purposes only. And any legitimate psychic should be able to agree with that.

Because the reality is - WE ALL HAVE FREE WILL.

And free will trumps any and all predictions as it can entirely change the outcome. So even if a psychic sees one thing in your future - your use of free will can change that entirely.

So as you can see, it's a method that cannot be relied upon as fact because your free will can affect it.

I would suggest that you cease seeing the psychic and using that as a guide and instead. . . start using your gut and your own intuition and free will as your guide.; May 6, 2013 at 8:54 AM
chk61 said...: The more things change, the more they stay the same.

My D.M. has gone AWOL again. Not that I'm surprised. As you all know, he came out to my public event a week ago Saturday, arrived early and stayed late, sent me a video, inquired about how he could help, kissed and hugged me warmly, etc. I think any one of us would think that could possibly mean something.

So I emailed him back a couple days later (Weds) and he has not replied. And it is now Monday. He doesn't have his kids this week but I have noticed him very active online on two dating sites. What could he possibly be doing? Well, he's trying to meet other women and set up dates with them - that's what he's doing. Notice he's not emailing or calling (he never called anyway...which was odd for a 46 y.o. man) chk61, an attractive, interesting, intelligent, caring woman who he had some pretty hot chemistry with. Nope, he's not trying to schedule any time with chk61.

So chk61 is left to wonder: WTF? Chk61's well meaning older sister says "ya know, you're life is going to be over someday. This is not a dress rehearsal. If you want to see him, then just email him, suggest something and if he doesn't reply or says no, then you can move on." Chk61 ponders this idea...

Nah.; May 6, 2013 at 12:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
I understand why we'll meaning women like your sis advise women to pursue men. I get it. But the thing is, you don't just move on or get your way...there are many other variables that well meaning folks don't take into consideration.

Here's the reality. If you do that, you will either be:

1) Set right back to square one, suffering his rejection yet AGAIN.
2) Suffer a blow to your self confidence and self esteem, yet AGAIN.
3) Place yourself right back into the sea of confusion you've just Sam out of, yet AGAIN.

It's Pete, Pete and Repeat. And I honestly don't think you need to put yourself through that on order to get the answer you seek because his ACTIONS, or lack thereof, are telling you all you need to know.

Or the other scenario that could come out of it is:

1) He asks you on a date.
2) You take that as a signal of genuine interest.
3) You decide to sleep with him as a result.
4) He disappears a week later yet AGAIN, and then you repeat all of the steps in the first scenario, yet AGAIN.

Are you seeing what I'm seeing here? Lots of again, again, again. Do you really want to willingly put yourself at irk of experiencing all of this again?

Nah. I agree with you, not worth the risk. His actions tell you all ou need to know.

A genuinely interested man pursues the object of his desire...period. Save yourself the trouble of going through all of this again. Thank our sis for caring - but stay true to your path.

The best you're ever going to get out of this guy is a friends with benefit situation. He's interested, but not interested enough. And I think he's insecure and dating multiple omen online boosts his confidence. As a result, I not think he's seeking a relationship. He enjoys the variety.

He'll be friendly to you be warm, as you've already seen. And I'm quite sure he'd keep with you if you made yourself available to him as an option. But I just don't think this guys looking for a girlfriend. I think he's enjoying the ego boost that most insecure men receive fom dating multiple women online.

Don't get caught up in that mess dear. Spare yourself the pain.; May 6, 2013 at 3:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Oh, and did I ever mention how I absolutely despise the auto correct on my misogynistic ipad..women equals omen quite often when commenting on it, LOL.

Not to mention the various other automatically corrected issues..sigh. If life only had a big, giant auto correct program running ;-); May 6, 2013 at 4:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

thank you sooo much for the great advice you gave me on being ACTIVE to burn the anxiety off, I've never thought of it like that. I realise I do need to get busier and distract myself.

I would like to know what you think about whether no contact can possibly work with someone you've never met - I've had a regularish 2month interaction (emails, texts phone calls) with him and thought we were building up to a date.

I'm not sure, as having not met him if the no contact could possibly work?

Whilst I realise the purpose of the no contact is to help yourself I would obviously like to hear from him again.

Many thanks
Sugar Plum; May 6, 2013 at 4:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 5, 8:27 PM,
"I feel like I'm week and can't stop sleeping with him"

Sweetie I can't help you unless you are willing to help yourself. As long as you permit this, you're only going to have yourself to blame. No one can put a stop to this other than you. You need to take control. Don't give in to the feeling of being powerless here, that's an illusion. The power lies within you, but you need to make an effort to summon it up.

Sometimes, the only way out is to walk through the fire:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

You need to read the section there titled, "What's the valuable lesson you're learning?"; May 6, 2013 at 5:46 PM
Confused said...: Hi Mirror, I figured I posted in the wrong place again as I had no reply and also nobody posted after me ever since. My situation from my side is still the same, wishing he contacts me but I am NC. It's been 7 weeks +
I get more urges to contact him these days. I am not sure how much more time should I give this before I send him any text? (considering I am the dumper here); May 7, 2013 at 9:27 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror. Excellent advice as always. I'm still fighting the temptation to invite him to something this weekend. Still trying to figure him out. Did he go AWOL again because I chose to not use his health care person and somehow he took that as a rejection? I know, I'm grasping at straws.

Ugh. I had to re-tool my profile because I accidentally looked at his profile and thought I had the thing turned on where I could do that and he could not see, and this time I had a photo. So now I have a new profile name. I'm worried he will see it and think I'm not interested in him.; May 7, 2013 at 10:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I'm really struggling with feelings of low self worth and then anxiety (you gave me some tips on the anxiety -thanks).

I'm finding it ok not contacting him but what I'm struggling with is how I feel about myself and feel I have crumbled and when another day goes by and I don't hear from him it just makes me feel really low and not got the motivation to do anything because I feel so tearful, crap and depressed. I think I'm dealing with the loss and it is really hard and that fact that I can't be optimistic about him returning it is looking more unlikely by the day (it's only been just over a week though) and it's really hard dealing with all these negative emotions and I'm scared of them and its getting worse the more I think he is not going to return.

I don't konw why I'm not feeling empowered for making the decison not to contact and seeing it through but I feel my self-worth has crumbled and there are no foundations there and I don't know how to build these up as I don't think they've ever been there.

any help would be greatly appreciated thank you; May 7, 2013 at 4:57 PM
Lady Leo said...: I am so grateful to have stopped focusing on the man who bailed out. I blocked him on FB, removed every trace of him from my phone and laptop. I stopped looking for any online profiles. I decided to LOVE MYSELF by giving my self the gift of non-obsessive behavior. What a miracle it has been.

Stop looking at what HE is doing, ladies. Look at what YOU are doing? Are you treating yourself as you'd would want your best friend to in the same situation? Get away from the electronic and emotional devices that attach you to a man who treats you like a nothing. The more you allow someone to treat you like nothing the more you will feel like nothing.

I still think about the Sag every day. BUT, the desire to contact him is ZERO (today). The wondering about him, why he left, does he think of me is about 15 % of the time. GREAT reduction, Id say. For those that worry "On my God, will he think I'm not interested in him" should be saying "He ought to be wondering why I would ever consider taking HIM back". My god, understand this....the MORE he thinks you're not interested, the more likely he will be to have interest in you".

Thanks all for showing me where I never want to be again and how far Ive come. I so hope you all keep moving to yourselves...; May 7, 2013 at 8:28 PM
Lovingme said...: Hi anon May 7th at 4:57, not Mirror but I just thought I'd take a stab at it. I was the same way not too long ago. A week to be exact, my self esteem had taken a blow. Mirror has an article about a woman's armor taking a beating, but her picking herself up & K.I.M. (keep it moving).

I believe you should pray & just not dwell on what has happened in the past. It's gone, it happened & you cannot change it so why worry about it. You have to focus on how to better your life NOW. What helped me was praying, not focusing on the past, getting dolled up, lol. That really helps. I fixed my hair really pretty, put on an outfit that accented my great body, put some makeup on, & just went outside to do a few things...all the while walking with stride, with my head held high because I felt beautiful. Just try it...you'll find yourself not even thinking about him as much & if you just happen to, you'll look at yourself as a knockout & say is he fucking kidding? I'm a diamond.

Also, you just have to get tough on him if/when he contacts you. I have a guy disappearing & reappearing in my life, it's because I allowed it for so long, & I was also not aware that that was in fact poor treatment so I can't let him do it anymore. He's never suffered because he always knew I was here, so guess what? I can't be there anymore & if he genuinely likes me, he'll prove it. Wise words from MOA. Allowing a man to seek you out. My parents told me that as well but it works like a charm. I hope you feel better.; May 8, 2013 at 1:37 AM
patientwoman said...: Dear MOA;

I started reading the posts here and women's problems and ur replies since last October

I posted myself and u responded to me.. and I learned a lot.. in fact last October I was treated like shit from my BF and he ended the relation because I was doing everything I wasn't supposed to do , I never made him work hard to get me or to view me as value ; I was always available

until I started applying all the theories I read here and our relation started turning around

he is always perusing me now, saying sweet words, texting , calling all the time

but as a matter of fact; the minute I give him any sense of security or admit my need to him or the fact that I miss him , he slows down with emotions etc

so women have always to play cold? so I have to continue to pretend I have neutral feelings to keep the wheel turning? it is frustrating but that's the only way I keep him "interested"

its like when he says sweet words and fills me with emotions and I act sweet but not over thrilled; he gets more excited and interested... and vice versa ; the minute I start showing affection and show my feelings; he turns cold

very difficult equation to maintain... he is a Scorpio... is that their nature or is that men in general??

I love him more than ever; I have never loved a man that much.. we have been in relation for almost 2 yrs and he has never disappeared on me or anything of the sort but he can be cold and moody

my last question is : how is it the most person in the world u love and wana be with is the most person u cannot be natural with and express ur self with :(( shouldn't it be the opposite?

thanks; May 8, 2013 at 5:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @PatientWoman,
Well, this is where "decision time" comes in. Because you see, many of these tactics here, in addition to the many benefits they offer a woman, one of the big benefits is that these tactics "sniff a man out" for who he truly is (i.e. genuinely interested, half interested, looking for an ego boost, insecure, etc.)

And once his true self is revealed, sometimes unfortunately, the real man may not live up to the fantasy the woman had previously created about who he was. Sometimes, the reality is disappointing.

And it's not necessarily that he's a bad man, it's just that maybe he not the man for you :-(

If this is the pattern of behavior you're seeing and it's not changing, then eventually you're going to have to make a decision. You need to ask yourself:

1) Is this man capable of making ME happy?
2) Is this man capable of fulfilling MY needs?
3) Will this man exhaust me and deplete my energy?

If his pattern of behavior is starting to display that he may not be able to make you happy, fulfill your needs and indicates that dating him may become exhausting and depleting - then at some point dear, you may need to decide that he's not the one for you.

If keeping him "interested" is requiring too much work, too much time, too much energy and isn't yielding any positive results or permanent change in a man - then chances are he's not capable of making you happy or being the man you need him to be.

His pattern of behavior over such an extended period of time is indicating to me that he likes the thrill of the chase. Which is fine, but can you keep up this chase over extended periods of time? Is he worth it?

Because at some point, a man is human too and if he's a real man, he'll permit you to be the real woman you are. If he enjoys the chase but then loses interest when you give in and doesn't accept your love and affection as a gift, then he's taking you for granted in a sense. He's taking what you're giving (love, affection, warmth, emotions, etc.) for granted.

Because as I've said, many of the tactics here are meant for the dating phase, the early phase of dating and the early stages of a relationship. But once the couple commits to one another, expresses their love for one another and decides to be together as a couple in a committed relationship - at that point a real man, a gentleman, will permit the woman to express herself and be the woman she is and he'll accept her for that and he'll love her for that.

If he's not showing any indication of "acceptance" and "appreciation" of you, then it might be time to think about whether or not you can continue to do this, whether or not he's worth it, whether or not he's capable of making you happy and whether or not he's capable of fulfilling YOUR needs.; May 8, 2013 at 8:46 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Loving me,

Thank you soo much for your post, it was very heart-warming and I really appreciated it. I agree with you making an effort with appearance does help, I got out today for a good walk in a lovely place where I go and tried to absorb all the beautiful positive energy there and metaphorically threw all the negative emotions into the river and let them flow away - good eh.

I know what you mean about being on my toes if he does return. I don't know I've that much chance honestly as we've not met yet and been communicating two months (email, text, phone calls). So without an actual meeting I don't know if it's enough that the no contact would work anyway.

Thanks for taking the time to write and caring - really appreciate it. You sound like you're doing well now, if you were in my position a week ago! Good luck with it; May 8, 2013 at 3:47 PM
Lovingme said...: Thanks so much May 8, 3:47! I'm glad to hear you're doing well...see getting all perrty works!! :) that's great you've thrown the negative emotion away because you can draw positive energy into your life. Yes a week ago. *sigh* I was very angry & feeling defeated. I think my ego was bruised more than my self esteem because the second I dolled up, :-) I was feeling like a million dollar bill. Egos can be so ugly sometimes aaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!

Even though you've just communicated via internet, just continue to apply the NC & once he starts thinking again, he'll pop up again, then you REALLY can enforce the no contact by giving him crickets. Mirror has a great reference to that in the NC article, Her articles really are golden & if you have to read them 600 times!!!!

Do so, so that it will stick like glue. I also use my diamond analogy. A diamond is valuable & worth thousands, sometimes millions. You're not going to negotiate & sell yourself short to a low (half-interested) bidder right? You're going to respond to the highest bidder. The one who's putting in the time & effort to obtain your precious jewels. Someone who sees your value, your luster, your beauty. Someone who will take good care & be proud to have such a gem.

Try to focus on what's happening now & take those lessons you've learned & apply them to the future. The auction isn't over yet & the future is bright. Yes, I'm a work in progress. Not 100% yet because I do have my days but I don't get stuck there anymore & just keep pushing through. It's not easy at all because I do still have feelings for this person, but I need to love myself MORE. The things I was seeking in him, was what I was starving for & depriving myself of. I had to learn to value myself. When YOU see your worth, men will too. So keep pressing on...you'll find your strength.; May 8, 2013 at 7:54 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and all,

I’ve been reading everyone’s comments, have written a couple times and have been spending time thinking.

My 54 yr old brother drove 3 hrs and stayed last wknd to help me bring our mother back to her home (an hr or so drive).

For the first time, he agreed to drive her car (and listen to her) while I drove my car for our return trip. On the way up, I used the time praying (to the higher powers) for peace within myself and inviting love and good things to my life. I also wished wonderful happiness and love for Scorpio on whatever path he travelled. (yes, I still miss him.)

On way home, 7 miles from house, my odometer hit 111,111. I started trying to take a pic at 111107 while driving, but the sun was behind me and the reflection hid the numbers. I thought I wouldn’t get it. Once I hit 111,111, there was a small bridge overhead w/shade below (thankful gift). I pulled over and took a pic. Even though I had not read anything about numerology (sorry Ms. Mirror, I just wasn’t interested before) something told me to “pay attention.”

At work, we need to update our computer passwords on demand, and include letters/numbers. I keep my numbers sequential and started with my word/no. 1 back in the 90’s. Well my new number on Monday was 33. Again, something said “pay attention.”

I finally read Ms. Mirror’s piece on numerology, I don’t know what the numbers mean to me, but can still feel something saying ,“pay attention.” (I’m trying, but whatever I’m supposed to be paying attention to hasn’t come to me yet.)
---
I had a discussion w/brother Saturday night after our drive and dinner; I was picking his brain about guys. He is an artist – not a “Stinky,” but a true artist with music, painting, sculpture, pottery, design, construction, etc. (thus my sway towards reincarnation). Anyway, I was talking to him about my recent experiences with men and something he said surprised me.

He told me not to give up my “power” to a man. I am close to this brother, we’ve been friends our entire lives, and this did not sound like him at all. It sounded like Ms. Mirror, and it floored me. I wish I could remember our entire conversation, I can’t. But the statement re: power, coming from him, was as though this was a message I was supposed to hear.

Continued...; May 9, 2013 at 6:44 AM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued 2 of 2...

I just cancelled my ticket to mid-west for today. I guess I was waiting to see if Virgo would make an attempt to rectify the situation and I wanted to be able to say that I hadn’t cancelled. Also this morning, I blocked his ability to see me online on work computer. Today is the day that I finally let all the hopes and dreams go for good.

I am also working from home today so that I don’t have to deal with staff if I have to have a cry. (Even though Virgo has been a typical Virgo-angst male towards me, he is a good man. I loved him for all the good in him, but not enough to be his sacrificial lamb to his internal struggles.)

Last night, driving home, I was thinking of my hurt and the hurt recently posted here by some women from the poor treatment of others, and all I could see was a bleeding wound. We talk about a ‘broken heart,’ but what does that mean? I’ve never seen a broken heart, so what does it really look like? My heart hurts, but it’s not still working. How do we fix something we can’t picture or identify?

So, let’s talk about a bruise or a cut - a bruise is a tender area that bled inside and a cut bleeds outward. How do we heal them? First, we identify it right? And then we protect a bruise, and bandage a cut. But the bruise or cut is still there. We wrap cuts up tight in clean gauze. We may, at times, peek at the bruise, just skim our hand over it, or unwrap the bandage to check on the wound. Touch it and it will remind us of our pain. Then we go back to protecting the bruise or cut, keeping it safe from more harm and giving it time to heal.

Well, that’s what we are experiencing when we are hurt by another. Our soul is bruised or cut and is pained inside where no one sees it, but we feel it, and we need to protect or bandage it until it is healed.

For all those that have been sharing your pain from another: Give yourself time, protect yourself from more affliction, and please believe in your strength and know that you have the power to heal.

{hugs}; May 9, 2013 at 6:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
I'm convinced that the sequence of 111 is a wake up call to "light workers" dear ;-)

"111 ~ This sequence is a sign that there is a gate of opportunity opening up, and your thoughts are manifesting into form at record speeds. The 111 is like the bright light of a flash bulb. It means the universe has just taken a snapshot of your thoughts and is manifesting them into form.

111 ~ This sign is used to indicate that your thoughts are related to the start of a new cycle in your life. What you are thinking about doing or changing is correct for the new phase of your life.

111 ~ Signifies taking the lead in creative expression, and it also has connotations of social leadership in the sense of directing the energies of groups of people who resonate well with each other."

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2009/10/111-spiritual-quotes-for-inspirational.html

"We talk about a ‘broken heart,’ but what does that mean?"

I agree with you analogy of an open would. To me, it means that one has been emotionally damaged. You see, your heart is the machine that runs the body. When it takes a blow, the machine begins to fail and then all internal systems begin to malfunction and break down (which causes the helpless, fog-like feelings).

"How do we fix something we can’t picture or identify?"

This does not happen overnight. I can tell you that after my divorce, it was 4 years - yes, 4 years, before I came out of my fog. To be honest, those 4 years of fog feel like another lifetime to me, a surreal existence. During that period, I floated around reacting to things, but not in control of them.

The path of healing is a long journey, not a brief walk in the park ladies. So prepare for the long haul and do not expect instant gratification.

But if you can do this, I can guarantee you that this will turn out to be one of the most significant, fulfilling, gratifying periods of your life :-); May 9, 2013 at 8:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
I should add that your experience with the number sequence of 111 is a sign to you that you are now on the right path.

And to validate this for you, the universe provided two experiences:

1) Providing the shade of a bridge at the precise moment the odometer turned to 111,111

2) Providing reinforcement of the message the universe wants you to hear and understand through another vessel, your brother. And that message is: Do not give your power away to a man.

The universe is gearing up to reward you dear. But it's testing you first to make sure you're ready. If you can do what it asks (not give your power away to a man), it is prepared to reward you.

But don't expect the reward in the form you may desire it. The universe has a funny way with things such as this. And I would suggest that you ladies all watch a great movie with this very message as it's base concept.

Watch the movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun:"

http://youtu.be/oAqKidu8UT0

Diane Lane takes a spiritual journey after a divorce. She buys a Tuscan villa and she asks the universe for:

1) A family in the villa
2) A wedding at the villa
3) Love in the villa

She suffers many disappointments and tests along the way. But in the end, she receives all 3 wishes - but not exactly as she expected to receive them ;-); May 9, 2013 at 8:49 AM
Gemini 50 said...: Thank you Ms. Mirror, You are a very special person with a precious gift.

I have a lot of mixed emotions right now, but wanted to say thank you.

On the day of my last I-m'ing with Virgo, you might recall that I was also approached locally to go work in another dept for awhile. I didn't hear any more about it until today.

AFTER cancelling the flight, my first incoming call this AM was the HQ mgr following-up and trying to set a date for me to come over. So, maybe I passed a test by cancelling my flight without fanfare. Instead, I used my power to actively choose who I spend my time with and how I expect to be treated.

I so hope the changes in my life are not about work. I work to live, not live to work. It doesn't fill up my heart and soul.

I hope the Angels are listening: Please don't stop yet with the changes. And I hope that the changes are positive.

Thank you!; May 9, 2013 at 12:56 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Well, as I've said, the universe has a strange way of guiding and leading us towards our ultimate destination - and many times, that path is quite convoluted. It's not in a straight line.

So consider this - this change may, upon first glance, appear to be about WORK. But what if this change at work - actually leads you to meeting A GOOD MAN?

What if the universe is creating a scenario of change that is necessary in order for you to meet this man? What if this man is there, in the new department? Or what if this man is a delivery guy that visits this new department? Or what if this man is a friend of someone that works in this new department? Or what if he's someone from another company that will come into this department for a meeting one day? And if it weren't for the universe pushing you into this change, this new department - you may never meet this man? So the universe is taking over momentarily and creating a "meeting" scenario and arranging things so that this "meeting" actually takes place?

Think about it - and follow the path unfolding before you dear ;-); May 9, 2013 at 5:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Loving me,

I agree totally, you have to keep re-enforcing these new behaviours and it helps to keep reading the great advice and insights on here. Quite honestly, I would have been at a loss if I'd not found Mirror's website. I've always looked for stuff but never found anything like this before, in terms of effectively handling these situations. They say 'when the student is ready that the teacher arrives' and I am so grateful to find this help and the camaraderie and sisterhood on here...
If I'd not found it I would not have had the strength to do the NC for sure, I know there maybe a long way to go though. For a long time I've had the insight about my patterns but I've just been powerless in how I could change them, so I feel I've found this now as I'm ready now to change.

I would love it if I could learn on the job and it would work out with this guy but whatever, it seems that this experience is pivotal in my learning.

Absolutely love your diamond analogy I'm going to print it out and have with me just to remind me of my worth :)

Funny as I was thinking today of some of the things that has attracted me to this guy and it's showing me areas of my life that I need to develop. Perhaps if we work on ourselves then we will get the guy anyway (or someone else) and it is test from the Universe.

You sound really strong keep up the good work! I saw a picture today I look at it frequently but today the words really stood out

'God please grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
Courage to change what I can and Wisdom to know the difference.

I know I cannot change the situation, it is out of my control now and the ball is in his court completely. I can only work on changing my behaviour and reactions and cannot control his responses. So focusing on anything that will bring peace into your life and letting go to the universe to sort out.

So be it as they say... stay strong and if you wobble just get on here and so will I haha; May 9, 2013 at 6:42 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

Right now I am an emotional mess. The last thing I am thinking about is meeting anyone. But I understand what you are saying... life happens when we least expect it.

I had to get out of the house for a bit so ran an errand earlier today. I kept glancing at license plates, and when I saw duplicate digits, I felt like I was making more of them than I should.

So, on my way home, I said, I'm not going to look, this is just crazy. And you know what happened? That same thought of "pay attention" that I had with the 111,111 and 33 came over me.

But this time it was, "Oh yeah? Well watch this!" And I couldn't NOT look. And there was a string of so many cars with plates that had double 4's, 7's (the most) and 5's and 8's. With each one I was thinking, "no way, ANOTHER one?"

I felt as though someone was playing with me, finding my bewilderment humorous, and then again I had the feeling: "pay attention."

When I got home, I went to your numerology article to read it again. I clicked on the last link you included and read that blog. In it, there was a line that included the words, "pay attention."

I hear the message; I hope that understanding will soon come. I will continue on this path, and am grateful for your and other's here on this blog contribution to it.

I also just watched Under the Tuscany Sun and was balling my eyes out... thanks ;) I am such a sap.

I'm going to go get myself a drink now, sit on the porch and watch it rain... So, CHEERS! to all. Tonight it's going to be beer in my glass. :); May 9, 2013 at 7:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Your not as much of an emotional mess as you may think dear. But you're feeling as if your in turmoil right now because things are "up in the air" at this moment. And the helplessness and unknowing is creating the feeling of heightened emotions. But the reality is that you're on the right path :-)

I'll share something here that I've probably not revealed publicly ever before. When I wrote that article years ago, it began, 111 everywhere. And you know what? It hasn't ended since. To this day, I look at the clock everyday at 1:11 and 11:11 - every damn day. For the longest time, I waited for the answer to reveal itself. But now I realize, there is no final answer - it's simply an indication to me that I am on my path, it's validation of sorts now.

And the funny thing is, when I started seeing that number, my life was in turmoil. But I'd see it and just shake my head, smile and question my sanity, LOL. But all the while, what I was unaware of was - things were unfolding. Subtle things, but important things nonetheless. Things that were so subtle at the time that it wasn't until years later that I was able to look back and finally see a pattern, a path (a convoluted one) that I had followed.

Many years ago, when my life was in considerable turmoil, I always used to say, "Someday, I'm going to work from home, be independent, have enough money to live comfortably, have my home - and be in a position where I never have to rely on a man for my security."

Now mind you, at the time that I made this affirmation each day - the possibility of that actually becoming a reality was very far off - I can't even tell you how far out of reach it felt. But each day, I plugged away, saying this to myself and believing that somehow, someway, it would happen.

And it happened much like in the movie, Under the Tuscan Sun (which I'm very glad you watched, by the way :-) - where one day many years later - it occurred to me. . .I work from home, I'm independent, I have enough money to live comfortably, I have my home and I'm in a position where I don't have to rely on a man for my security.

It all happened - I got everything I asked for and I'm right where I wanted to be - and if I had to tell you how I got here, I wouldn't even know where to begin, that's how many strange occurrences and twists and turns it took to get here. Honestly, I don't know how the hell it even happened - still to this day.

As the process was unfolding, I couldn't see it. The path was so convoluted and subtle, I never saw that what I had wished for. . .was actually unfolding and happening right before my very eyes. Each little step was so tiny and seemed so insignificant at the time that I never even noticed it.

And yet here I am, years later, right where I wanted to be - and I never saw it coming, LOL.

And what you're talking about, with noticing number sequences now - that's actually NOT coincidence dear. It's mind mapping. It's a very real phenomenon. It's a complicated process to explain, but here's a visual depiction:

http://www.empowernetwork.com/aaronscott/files/2013/04/magnetic-attraction-mind-map-1200px.gif

Notice the magnet in the middle? Drawing in and attracting - via convoluted paths?

And here's a bit of scientific explanation:

http://www.mindmapping.com/theory-behind-mind-maps.php

"Sperry's own research confirmed that the more these activities were integrated, the more the brain's performance became co-operative, with each intellectual skill enhancing the performance of other intellectual areas."

The brain is a computer and you can program it (Law of Attraction, ladies) to recognize and pluck out items from the "noise" of daily life. And once you do that, the brain begins to "cooperate" by making you EVEN MORE AWARE of the items you hold deep in your subconscious and pulling them out of the crowd and making you take note.

Cont. . .; May 9, 2013 at 10:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And this is the theory that the Law of Attraction uses - hold positive thoughts, your brain will begin to recognize and associate itself with things, people, places, etc. in your surroundings that it feels will lead you to these thoughts. Once you begin to validate the items you're recognizing, the brain continues to cooperate by plucking even more of this out of your surroundings. Until eventually, your brain begins to guide you towards your desires and the things you hold dear.

Your brain begins to "cooperate" with you, acting as a guide, "Hey, look at this" or "Take note of this" or "Follow this because it applies to this" etc.

The human brain begins to work in cooperation with you by creating an "awareness" and acting as a guide, leading you and showing you things that it thinks associate with your thoughts and desires.

So let's say you want a red jeep - your brain will begin to pluck red jeeps out of traffic, on used car lots, in advertisements, etc. You may have NEVER NOTICED these red jeeps before. But now that the brain has been "programmed" for "red jeeps" - it's going to show you red jeeps or anything related to a red jeep.

So say you see a red jeep on the road and you take note of it - that validates to the brain "red jeep." Then one in traffic, and you note it. Then one at your neighbors house, and you note it. Then one in an advertisement, and you note it.

Then one day, you're eating ice cream and minding your own business standing in line, and you overhear a conversation about a red jeep (one you may have never heard or taken note of prior to this) and you perk up. As you listen closer, you hear "for sale."

Now, your brain is ringing, "red jeep!" "for sale!" - so you turn around and interrupt the conversation only to find out that the folks in line behind you know someone with a red jeep for sale - and before you know it, you've bought the red jeep.

You now own a red jeep.

Had you not mapped the brain for a "red jeep" by holding that thought deep within your subconscious - you probably NEVER would've been guided towards that red jeep. You would've ignored all the red jeeps in traffic and never validated "red jeep" for your brain to "map" a path to a red jeep for you. You would've ignored that conversation that led you to the red jeep, you never would've HEARD that conversation above all of the other conversations taking place around you at that time.

The "awareness" of a "red jeep" needed to be present for this to work. Additionally, all of the prior validation of red jeeps in traffic needed to be present as well so the brain was assured it was on the right path towards a red jeep. Each time you acknowledged a red jeep, the brain said, "Yep, it's a red jeep I'm looking for." So it kept looking for red jeeps for you and showing them to you, seeking validation.

These number sequences are just the beginning dear. You're going to begin to notice all sorts of strange coincidences now. (My story goes even deeper and if you ever reach that point someday, then I'll share those occurrences.)

And when you do start to see coincidences and strange occurrences, don't fight them, don't question them, don't analyze them - acknowledge them. Smile and move on, knowing that you're on your path, tuned into yourself, tuned into your mind, tuned into your deepest desires and tuned into the universe - and everything is working in tandem for you, like a beautiful, mysterious machine ;-); May 9, 2013 at 10:26 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @Ms. Mirror, Thank you again for continued coaching. Your information is so very interesting.

Still wasn't feeling right this AM, I was taking care of some work reports first thing (although I am on vaca) and then I lost access to work connection. I started getting frustrated, but then just accepted it and shut off the computer.

I was antsy, still not feeling good, kinda feeling sorry for myself, and then remembered I wanted to pick up something a store was supposed to get in today at 9. So, I got myself moving, and when the sun came up brightly, I started feeling better.

I kept thinking about, "pay attention" and "don't give your power away to a man..." and kept wondering, "what does it mean?"

Then something hit me. Scorpio! He works at my favorite store, and I haven't been there since November because of him. Because I was AFRAID to see him. I have been giving my power away to him.

So, I decided it's time to get over this, face my fears and get back to living my life the way I want to.

I had my list of things I needed.

But first, I went down the street to lumber yard and ordered a load of mulch to be dropped off at my house. One might not think this is a big deal, but it is for me, for many reasons, including: men I don't know, a woman by herself, etc. I know, probably doesn't make sense to many, but, the point is, I did something that trepidation usually stops me from doing.

I kept saying the mantra to myself, "Don't give your power away to a man," over and over.

After I got back home and the tarp ready for mulch, I txt Scorpio> Hi. R U working today?

And then drove to the other store I needed to get to for 9.

On the way, I was behind 2 trucks on residential street, still doing the mantra and also telling myself to "pay attention."

All of a sudden, a tree branch falls and one of the electrical/telephone/cable lines breaks atop the truck in front of me. The line swings down and I am able to stop right in front of it. I just sit there and look at it. I had a string of cars behind me, and no one moved. After I think for a second, I backed up, and drove around it, and so did everyone else. I said to myself, "hmm...pay attention."

As I drive, I think about how I am going to respond to Scorpio if he responds. I'm also thinking, Cool, if he doesn't respond, that means I can go to his store and not worry about seeing him there. I would have done it, no issues, and I'd be good.

So, I get to my destination, but the item I am looking for is not in their shipment.

When I get back to my car, my cell had dropped on the floor (must have happened when I stopped the car fast earlier.)

Cont...; May 10, 2013 at 1:07 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Cont, 2 of 2

Scorpio responded> Yes at ten whos this lol

Hmmm (I'm thinking to myself) And I continued my mantra, "Don't give up your power." If he doesn't know who it is, I'm not going to tell him.

So I respond> Oh man! You deleted me? lol

And I drive home.

Once home, I see his response> ?

I'm thinking, he really doesn't know who it is. He must've either deleted me after he didn't get his booty call last time, or he has a string of numbers he's given the same name to. (similar to your suggestion to name loser guys all the same in our cell).

So I respond without telling him who it is> Well, time for this girl to come back to her fav store. Maybe c u there.

And I went. I did my shopping in the garden center, got mostly what I needed, did not go looking for Scorpio, and did not see him.

I enjoyed myself, and when piling bags of pea stone on to my cart, a man loading mulch on to his cart came over and asked if I needed help. I thanked him, but declined. (I love doing garden stuff... fills me up with comfort). As I left, I noticed he was putting tons of bags of mulch on to his cart and told him about where I just bought it by truck load and for how much, etc.

He thanked me, but said his wife wanted it today, and he HAD to get her what she wanted TODAY. (lol - I thought that was funny -- poor guy sounded hen-pecked) I just smiled.

As I was loading my car, guess who is parked behind me? Yep, the same guy. He asks if he needs to move his car back in order for me to lift my back gate, etc. I'm fine, no problems. I see him watching me, I'm happy as a clam, and I'm outa that parking lot with a smile on my face because, I DID IT! I went back -- after 6 months -- I took back my power.

Another step in the right direction. ;); May 10, 2013 at 1:10 PM
Peter said...: @Gemini50

It's fantastic to see how far you're moving forward. You should be proud of yourself. You're getting stronger all the time. I very much hope you get everything that's going to come to you. I can see big things coming your way :-)

I had an experience like this of the universe creating a situation that pushed me to do something. As a result I found the lady I'm involved with today. She's everything I need and had been looking for. What I have with her is building to something very special because we also have a deep friendship and solid friendship. All of this happened naturally and that makes it even more special. I would take the situation you have and go with it. MOA is the right person to know and she is a very wise lady indeed. For you I think she has it right.

I wish you all the best for whatever comes :-); May 10, 2013 at 2:24 PM
Madame X said...: I too used to see 3:33 on my digital clock constantly for years. Now all of a sudden, maybe the last past year, I see 11:11 on the clock a lot now. I've read where other people say they see the numbers on clocks, building, etc... I didn't, only clocks and I wondered why only clocks. Then I go to the grocery store the other day, bought ground beef, 1 green pepper, 2 bags sunflower seeds, 2 jars of sauce. And when she rang it up it came to $11.11.; May 10, 2013 at 3:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody!

Mirror, what a beautiful answer you wrote to Gemini 50! You won´t believe me, but maybe it is a coincidence to show that I am supposed to be a part of this community, but just a few days ago I looked at my alarm clock right when it was showing 11:11! Honestly!

Another coincidence - Gemini 50 mentions power. I´ve got a message from the player - the second one after the breakup which was a couple of months ago - with a lame invitation to meet up. I thought: "Of course, it´s my turn in his rotation of women." And deleted the message immediately. And I felt so much POWER. Actually, a few days later I am still deriving a feeling of power from this tiny act although I know that he isn´t genuinly interested in me and never was, but I feel good regardless.

@Chk61 and all other ladies
I broke up with the player accepting that I would never hear from him. And he he has already sent me two messages. Not many, I know, but still, they prove what Mirror says again and again that if a man wants to contact a woman, he will. In the past I contacted men, I never chased them, but contacted them from time to time and years later, after reading this blog, I´ve realized that it wasn´t the wisest thing I could have done.

I wish you all a nice weekend.
HopefulwithMen; May 10, 2013 at 3:49 PM
Anonymous said...: P.s.: Oh, I would have forgotten! Another coincidence. Gemini 50 writes about the feeling of a hole inside her because of a broken heart. I´ve been practisin qigong for years, which is a kind of energetic self-healing. Although it´s a long process, when you persevere, you can gradually heal in this way on all levels - physical, emotional, mental... But it is necessary to start practising with a good, reliable and authentic master, otherwise thereś a risk of doing yourself more harm than good. As for me, it has helped me tremendously.; May 10, 2013 at 4:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Well, I imagine, given what HopefullWithMen just shared, that many of you are most likely seeing a variation of 111, maybe without even recognizing it yet. And I say that because, prior to writing the numerology piece here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2010/04/numerology-definitions-111-333-1111.html

I had written the 111 Spiritual Quotes piece here. And at the bottom of this piece, I included one of the theories of 111:

"111 ~ Signifies taking the lead in creative expression, and it also has connotations of social leadership in the sense of directing the energies of groups of people who resonate well with each other."

Notice the last bit about leading and directing the energies of groups of people who resonate well with each other? Oddly enough, at that time, I had not started writing about dating and I had no clue how that would've applied to me at that point in my life.

It wasn't until much later that I began writing about dating on a whim, due to the questions being received on the Taurus Male piece here, I started to notice a pattern and began attempting to answer the questions posed there, having no idea if my theories would resonate well with others.

My first attempt at this was this piece here, the disappearing man piece - and low and behold, there has been a discussion taking place here between thousands of women ever since.

Obviously, things were resonating.

And I think at this point, it's safe to say that everyone who ends up here. . .was supposed to end up here and is exactly where they are supposed to be ;-)

Life is mysteriously beautiful. And buddhist's believe in 4 Noble Truths:

1. Life means suffering.

2. The origin of suffering is attachment.

3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.

4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html

And the path to cease suffering is that of self-improvement, The Noble Eightfold Path:

http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/eightfoldpath.html

Wisdom

1. Right View
2. Right Intention

Ethical Conduct

3. Right Speech
4. Right Action
5. Right Livelihood

Mental Development

6. Right Effort
7. Right Mindfulness
8. Right Concentration

And that "Craving, ignorance, delusions, and its effects will disappear gradually, as progress is made on the path."

It's no coincidence that all of you women here are walking The Eightfold Path together ;-); May 10, 2013 at 5:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
One thing I'd like to note regarding Scorpio. Don't necessarily be convinced he's deleted your number. He very well may have, and if he did, you're better off without him because that indicates no booty = no friendship with this man.

However, I've seen many a man pull this stunt on a woman; it's a players stunt. They know exactly who's contacting them, yet they play dumb. And the reason they do this is:

1) To make the woman feel insecure
2) To make the woman try harder
3) To kick start the woman to attempt to win him over
4) To steal the woman's power away
5) To undermine her confidence
6) To place her in a weaker, more vulnerable position.

Bottom line: To increase his chances of having sex with her.

So don't necessarily fall for that one dear. There are times when it's a "power play." And for you in particular, this is a message that's being thumped into your head right now by the universe - "power."

So to me, it would make absolute sense that that's exactly what that was - a power test.

And I believe the universe is throwing these tests your way because it's going to hand you something and wants to make sure you're ready to receive it :-)

And just as an FYI moving forward, if you're ever hit with that one again from a man, here's how I responded once to it in the past:

"Good one, I've used that one before."

And do you know the response I received?

"Hi ____, how are you?"

He knew exactly who I was ;-)

And the fact that Scorpio didn't demand to know who you were via repeated attempts (as it's human nature to get to the bottom of it if you truly don't know who it is) - tells me that he did the same exact thing - pulled a power stunt on you.; May 10, 2013 at 6:03 PM
Vee said...: Dear MOA,
I wrote to you before regarding a player who kept disappearing on me under the when to text blog. He was the guy who lost his job and stressed out and I felt bad. Your advice was to be very careful and make him wait if he did reappear. I'm writing again partly for comfort and partly to let other women hear what you have to say about this situation. He started to text me again a couple of weeks after the split and I responded to his second or third attempt. We arranged to meet and he cancelled. I don't know if it is coincidence or planning but finally after a couple of cancellations - for which he gave believable reasons (excuses), I met him at his house, and duh, we ended up having sex. I was just so hurt and he was what I was hurting for - you know? Anyway the backsliding was already starting, and again it started with not answering my infrequent texts or a day or two later answering. He lost his phone for nonpayment and then wanted email contact and again a day or two to respond. All of the times we met (not just for sex we met in public w/o hooking up), it was on his terms I guess. I let myself be a doormat because I felt so bad about his job situation. He whittled me down to a two hour visit w/ booty call and occasional dinner. Finally last week after I finally just gave up all of the sudden three emails in one night from a man that takes 2 days to reply to one of mine. I was silent. Now I'm dying because he's sending emails saying he just wants to know if I'm OK and that he cares and is worried. Is this just manipulation?!! This man has already played me so much I could write a book! I need some gal support to keep my fingers still. Do you see any way for me to play this situation? (and get the guy?) I haven't seen him for 2 weeks no contact for almost a week - I was really going to give him a 2 month dose and get my head together. I'm dating too - not hard for me to find a date. What do you think?
Vee; May 10, 2013 at 7:13 PM
Lovingme said...: Hey May 9, 2013 at 6:42!! How are you. Yes I too was lost before I stumbled upon this. I never knew how to effectively be successful at NC, I would do it before but not as directed. I screwed it up, lol.

Thanks regarding the diamond analogy. But it's true. We're beautiful & very valuable, but only if WE acknowledge it & feel that way about ourselves, no one else will. I used to think maybe I wasn't pretty enough, my breast wasn't big enough, my hair wasn't right, my skin, etc. I realized that sooooooo doesn't matter! You can be the most beautiful woman in the world with the perfect body... & a man can still not love her, so I just ignored all of the superficial rubbish, It's what's on the inside. I mean yes it helps, but that doesn't make a man love you, stay with you, nor treat you right.

We tend to look for something in another we ourselves are lacking. I used to always have a dream about a starving baby constantly. It was my baby, but I wasn't feeding it properly & it would go hungry. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why I kept having this re-occurring dream...until now.

I believe the baby was me. I was starving myself of love, kindness, affection, nourishment, fulfillment, & seeking it in another, never getting full, & never satisfied. I was still empty, but now...I'm learning to feed myself with love, care, tenderness, etc., learning how to be happy again.

It's not easy at all. Just yesterday I was a little tearful, but I got passed it. I'm still pushing on & remaining strong. It's a journey, but I'll get there, & so will you. :); May 10, 2013 at 7:14 PM
Lovingme said...: To Mirror & Gemini50, I also thought that seeing the # 11 was a sign that you're about to meet your twin flame/soul, or you have already.; May 10, 2013 at 7:17 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,
Hopefully, I passed that test w/Scorpio today as well. If his intent was to weaken me, or make me feel bad, it didn't. I laughed at him. I went to the store, I did my thing, and came home to continue to do my thing.

And after thinking about it today, I agree with you. He knew it was me, and he was playing around. But I took it literally, and hopefully passed the test by holding on to my inner-power and not letting an outside source derail me. (I believe our communication wasn't about him -- he could have said anything, it didn't matter. The test was about me and how I handled my self (power), as you have said.)

Part of my fear in the past was that I would not be able to say no to Scorpio -- because I had handed over my power to him.

And, get this, I'm not sure he knew he had my power. He definitely held on to his own. My contacting him and going to his store was all about me getting mine back.

I just had a thought/question. My brother had said he didn't like it when a woman gave up her power to him.

Do you think one reason men disappear, and don't even realize this themselves, is because women give up their power to them and they don't want it?

What a burden that must be: to have to manage someone else's power (life) for them. I think I just hit on something. Handing over your power is not "giving of yourself," rather it is dropping your self into someone else's lap and saying, "You got it now, and now you have to take care of it for me." hmm...

You have built a wonderful community of people, Ms. Mirror, who have come to your well to wash away pain, swim thru the tides of change and drink from the cups of grace to hopefully one day become a beacon of love and support as you have shared with each and every one.

I don't know how you do it. ;)

@ Peter,
Thanks, but, except for today, I haven't felt strong at all. I have felt as though I keep looking to understand, asking questions, and trying to figure out what the answers that come to me mean. (I am so thankful to Ms. Mirror and this community of support.)

And I am so happy you are happy!

YAY!; May 10, 2013 at 8:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Gemini, I thought immediately that the guy hasn't deleted your number, it's bullshit...he's playing you don't fall for it, don't let him have an ounce of your power, hang onto to it and keep on cultivating it x; May 11, 2013 at 4:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vee,
I think at this point dear, this man has proved he's not a good man. He's given you more than one reason to walk away.

When a man disappears and reappears, generally he can have ONE chance at redemption IF he expresses regret, a desire to "talk" and work it out and apologizes.

If he reverts back to his unhealthy pattern of behavior, you need to cut him out of your life dear. Otherwise, he will continue to string you along and emotionally manipulate you so that he may continue to have sex with you.

If you don't want to be used dear, please think of YOURSELF here. Stop worrying about HIM and do what's best for YOURSELF and walk away from this man. He's had plenty of chances to prove himself and the only thing he's proved is that he's a user and a manipulator.

You deserve better than that and my suggestion is that you walk away from him and find a better man.; May 11, 2013 at 10:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"Do you think one reason men disappear, and don't even realize this themselves, is because women give up their power to them and they don't want it?"

ABSOLUTELY dear. And it's the very reason that when woman share that the man has invited them to phone them, to chase them, to call them, etc. - I advise them to ignore that request. Because the man soon loses interest in a woman that does that, and nine times out of ten, they don't even know why they're uninterested all of a sudden.

And it's because they won the woman's power over to EASILY and the CHALLENGE no longer remains. As a result, their interest fades and they don't even know why.

And part of the reason why is due to the burden you mention. The burden of being responsible for someone's happiness. The feeling of pressure that's associated with that. Knowing that the woman's entire existence, entire happiness - is now riding on them and is now their responsibility.

Which is why I always remind women - your happiness does not come from a man, it comes from within. A man should not BE your happiness, he should ADD to it ;-)

And just to make you smile - know that you're now on Scorpio's mind. Trust me, he's confused as to why that little prank of his didn't break you down and make you try harder.

I'm quite sure it's now him saying, "Hmm" and scratching his head ;-); May 11, 2013 at 10:55 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

I read the Buddhism links this morning; very interesting. I've been trying to live this way for a long time (except for the bad language when I'm frustrated) and didn't know its association to Buddhism.

Just had to tell you: Just came back from grocery store. When getting a ticket at deli counter, an elderly woman was also going to get a ticket, but I beat her there. I had a ticket in hand, and gave it to her to go ahead of me. I took another ticket. Guess what the number was on the ticket I kept? E11 (I brought it home).

When I saw the number, I just smiled and thought, "of course."

But then thru the store, I started thinking about losses, and the tears were just filling my eyes. Not weeping, but just emotion.

Half way home, I thought of the ticket again and the number 11. Then I felt, "We are here." It took my breath away, and I broke out in tears -- actually had to catch my breath.

But I don't think I'm at the place I need to be to accept all of this. I want to be, but I'm not there in totality.

I'm still confused. When things first happen, I have an understanding of grace and acceptance, but then my worldly thoughts doubt it with questions.

And when my doubting came after the "We are here," guess what number song came on the XM Highway Countdown? #11 - Brett Eldredge, Don't Ya! Listening to the lyrics there were lines "You know what you're doing," "Come a little closer." They were about a guy picking up a girl, but some of the strings of words were affirmations in general that the person knows what they are doing.

This is happening too much, and if I am being tested, as you say, I don't know what my next step is supposed to be in order for whatever is supposed to happen to happen.

One other thing happened as well. Last night when finishing writing to you, I heard a ruckus on my front porch. Even my one cat, that I swear can see things we don't see, was scared. Penny was on the couch next to the living room window that goes out to the porch, and when the ruckus hit, she was petrified. She flew off the couch and came and sat by me on the floor and just stared at the window and wouldn't go back all night.

It sounded like something was trying to get out in a terror. Like something was falling or dragging stuff around. I was petrified too.

I just sat still and waited... when I finally went to bed, I shut off all the lights in the house to look out at the porch. (It is still lit at night with the pretty holiday icicle-type lights). Nothing was wrong out there. Nothing had changed. Nothing was moved. I have all different stuff out there, and nothing was moved. The latch on the door was still closed, and there was no wind last night at all, not to mention how strong a wind it would take to make the kind of noise we heard.

Please tell me that if I am solidly on a new path, that evil is not also going to come. I've had evil in my life, I don't want more. And if it is so, what do I do to stay safe?

And here's my worldly voice coming right back after that last statement: Girl! You are crazy!!!!

UGH!; May 11, 2013 at 11:42 AM
Vee said...: Hi MoA,
Just to give an example to other women of what this kind of guy emails so that they can recognize this play I wanted to list what he sent so that your interpretation can strengthen them as well:
After a week of playing email tag with me:
1 hey how are you email after (very friend like not lover-like even called me "sport")
2 lewd invitations recalling intimate moments we had spent together same day after no response from me. (oh I forgot with dirty pictures of him)
Next day a ? and if you want me to stay away I will just tell me.
Same day: I just hope you're OK
Two days later: Please just send me a blank email so I know you're ok please I do care Vee
same day: :( This is worrying me. Please don't be cruel if you are ignoring me. Just respond please!
Same day: Veee!!!!!!! dammit would you please respond!!
Same day: That's it. Get your butt over here and stay the nite. I will make you breakfast and we can go out tonight if you want and grab a drink. Stop being this way!!
Same day: Here.... NOW! Veeeee!!!!
Same day: (middle of the night) Done What did you want from me more than I could give you right now? Miss you. You have a hold on me that I wish sometimes you didn't....

Thank miss MoA I think seeing an example of this might help other women. I shouldn't read these because I was torn every time I saw one of these.

PS I'm in my late 40's - not a kid and just wanted to point out that age doesn't change much of anything in these matters.

Vee; May 11, 2013 at 2:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vee,
Well, that pretty much seals the deal for me - he's no good. First of all, he's incredibly disrespectful to women. Summoning them over for sex as if he's entitled to it in that manner, very disrespectful and insulting. Then topping if off with dirty images of himself - again, very disrespectful and ignorant, not to mention, it's a dead giveaway as to what he's after and what his sole motivation is here - sex.

"even called me "sport"

Indicates friendship, not romantic relationship.

"lewd invitations. . .dirty pictures of him"

Ignorant and disrespectful.

"Get your butt over here and stay the nite."

Who does this man think he is? To snap his fingers and summon that a woman come over and satisfy his sexual needs upon his demand like that?

"Here.... NOW! Veeeee!!!!"

Absolutely UNBELIEVABLE.

"What did you want from me more than I could give you right now?"

He's outright admitting that he has nothing to "give" right now. He's emotionally unavailable and he's admitting it.

"You have a hold on me that I wish sometimes you didn't...."

Yea. Sex.

"I was torn every time I saw one of these"

Torn? Honey, you should be FURIOUS - not torn - FURIOUS.

Thank you for sharing with the ladies here. This will be very helpful indeed. And I think it's going to help you as well, once you see the response that this is going to garner from other women here - none of whom are going to think this is acceptable treatment from a man.

He's downright disrespectful dear. This is NOT a man that will make a good lover, husband or boyfriend.

He's a man-child that's seeking to satisfy his sexual needs via instant gratification.

You deserve MUCH, MUCH better than this dear. Not all men treat women like this and you need to rid this man from your life and find a man that respects you, appreciates you and that will treat you like a human being - and not a sexual object.

Hang in there dear - this too shall pass :-); May 11, 2013 at 2:24 PM
Anonymous said...: @Vee,
I'm sorry, but that man sounds hideous.; May 11, 2013 at 2:49 PM
Vee said...: @MoA from Vee
Clarification - the pleas tore at me the other stuff especially the demands made me furious. I threw my phone down and stomped about muttering to myself about him thinking he was doing me a favor?!!!; May 11, 2013 at 3:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"It sounded like something was trying to get out in a terror. Like something was falling or dragging stuff around."

"Please tell me that if I am solidly on a new path, that evil is not also going to come. I've had evil in my life, I don't want more."

Okay, where to begin. This is what I was expecting when I told you previously that there was "more to my story." I'm going to go a bit deep here and reveal some things that may make folks think I'm a nut, LOL. And if so, then so be it. But this is my truth and I will now share it. For those of you that are disbelievers, please don't judge - attempt to keep an open mind. Because there are mysteries in this universe that we know nothing of and to act as if we, mankind, have all of the answers - is simply the arrogance and foolishness of a young species (monkey's with a brain).

Okay dear, first off, I'm going to tell you that I am firmly now convinced that you're a light worker - and you are now beginning to emit "the light." And when a light worker begins to beam brightly - they act as a beacon and otherwordly things (spirit) are then drawn to them. Also, when this happens, many times a "distraction" will appear.

So let me ask you - when this commotion took place, were you contemplating recent events? Possibly dwelling on the negative and rehashing that? If so, then I'm going to say that this was a "distraction" being created - to snap you out of it. (Guiding spirits will do this as a form of protection.)

If that wasn't what was taking place at the time, then it may have been the "beacon" effect. Something may not have been attempting to get out - but in. And before you get all freaked out, know that this is not evil necessarily. When spirits are draw to a beacon, a light worker, they will ATTEMPT TO GET YOUR ATTENTION to let you know they're there and they are in need of help (similar to requesting your services).

Another possibility is psychokinesis or "environmental manifestation" as Peter best describes here (watch the video on that page for clarification):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/the-secret-ancient-wisdom-quantum-mechanics.html

"In extreme cases of “environmental manifestation,” accounts of black ghosts, energy fluctuations, extreme intuition and more could no longer be ignored."

Basically, what this means is that the manifestation of energy on your porch could have been a projection of energy from - yourself. A "release" if you will, that manifested itself outside of your home, on your porch.

My experience was with small, black oval shadows that began appearing randomly in my home. I blew them off as an illusion until one day, I had a computer repairman at my home. A very conservative type and a man that was none the wiser about my experiences. That day, he blew my mind. We were sitting in my living room discussing my computer problem and as I was talking, he became distracted until he finally interrupted me and said, "You're going to think I'm crazy, but I keep seeing two black spots racing above your head across the dining room ceiling. When I look at them, they dart off and disappear behind the wall."

What this man also didn't know was that my cat had taken to sitting in front of a spare room closet door for hours, just sitting and staring at the door. He would then proceed to attempt to open the door, crying, clawing and laying on his back, using his paws under the door to attempt to pry it open, which he is unable to do when it's latched.

Cont. . .; May 11, 2013 at 3:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Well low and behold, after a couple of weeks of this, when I would pass that room, to my surprise, the door would be open 4" and my cat would be inside the closet, sitting in the dark, staring - for HOURS. This went on for weeks. And the spare room with the closet that my cat was obsessed over - yea - it was the room directly above my dining room, where this computer repairman saw the spots.

I had told NO ONE of the things taking place, yet here was a complete stranger verifying what I had been seeing.

This man excused himself and left my home, never to be seen or heard from again.

There's more, but I'm going to attempt to make a long story short. I have a friend that teaches classes at the Lily Dale Assembly in New York:

http://www.lilydaleassembly.com/

He's written articles on this site. I contacted him to explain and his response to me was, "Black is simply the absence of light, it does not represent evil, it represents the absence of light." What he was saying is that spirit was coming to me, spirit that was absent of light and in search of it, seeking the light. He had also made insinuations at that time regarding an "empath" and a "healer" (each light worker has their specialty).

http://healing.about.com/cs/empathic/a/uc_empathtraits.htm

I laughed it off at the time, yet here I am on this site, many years later, using intuitive empathetic skills, human behavior and reading the "energy" taking place between folks in romantic relationships - to offer assistance and guidance. Coincidence? Probably not ;-)

I've thrown just a bit of the iceberg out here to jog your mind. But my point is, your true path is now revealing itself and this was able to take place via the process of self improvement, growth - and deep suffering, which I will get to in a moment.

And for the ladies reading this, this is not something necessarily "special." I believe all human beings are capable of what we're discussing here and I believe that women, in particular, are incredibly well versed naturally in "intuitive" practices due to the fact that women are the givers of life. How could you properly care for a newborn child without the gift of intuition? You couldn't. Intuition in women is a natural, God given survival skill, which is why I always instruct women to NEVER ignore it, it's a 6th sense. It's a survival skill that is primal. When you gave birth in a cave and your baby started crying, there was no manual that existed to tell you what your child needed - women needed to rely on their skills of "intuition" and "empathy" in order to determine the problem and care for the child properly.

And this empathy that exists within women is the number one reason that women become "attached" to men in an emotional way - using "feeling and emotion" instead of "logic" as a guide. And in those cases, the use of empathetic skills can backfire because they can also make you vulnerable to negative forces if left unchecked and uncontrolled in healthy ways. Which is why the use of logic is necessary - to determine what is harmful from that that isn't. Logic acts as a form of control over empathy. The use of empathy has it's time and it's place - it is not to be doled out to everyone and undeserving folks should not receive it.

You're all capable of this ladies.

Cont. . .; May 11, 2013 at 3:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And Gemini 50, you're going to experience strange happenings and coincidence now - because you're "tuned in." My advice to you is - do NOT FEAR these happenings, simply pay attention and acknowledge them. (If you feel fearful, in your mind, instruct all of those that are uninvited to leave and visualize yourself bathed in the protection of white light.)

I am of the opinion that light workers are those that have suffered and many others are in agreement with this. The suffering is necessary to hone and develop the deep skills of empathy, to be able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and identify with how it feels so that you may assist them.

". . .the connection between awakening and psychological turmoil. . .while awakening sometimes happens for no apparent reason, in most cases it’s triggered by – or at least related to – intense psychological suffering."

http://nondualityamerica.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/spiritual-alchemy-how-suffering-can-lead-to-awakening/

Read that piece dear. Suffering leads to enlightenment. Which is why many Yogi's renounce worldly goods, cover themselves in ash and forcibly separate themselves from family - to use suffering as the path to enlightenment. Because without suffering, there would be no appreciation.

Do you see how all of this is tying in? Can you pull yourself out of the minutia and see the big picture here dear?

That's all I'm going to say for today. Don't fear and don't be scared - you're on your path dear - and a doorway has just opened ;-)

And for the rest of you ladies reading this, do not dismiss coincidence in your life. Don't read into every single little thing, but don't foolishly dismiss it either. There are signs along the path and as subtle as they may be, once acknowledged, lead to the opening and revealing of more signs to follow ;-)

It's all about "awareness."

Okay, I'm sure I've freaked everybody out enough for one day and I will now leave you all to question my sanity, LOL ;-)

And if you begin to do that with regards to me, I would simply ask that you take a look at what's been going on on this site - the good that is here, the support that is here, the positive energy that is exchanged here on a daily basis - and take that into consideration before making your final determination. I think it would be rather difficult, if not impossible, for an insane individual to have been responsible for all of that ;-)

Enjoy and embrace the beautiful mysteries of life gals.; May 11, 2013 at 3:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vee,
Ignore his pleas. He's a wolf attempting to manipulate you into doing his bidding by pulling at your emotions. Don't fall for it.

And don't beat yourself up for it dear - learn from it - and don't accept that type of treatment from a man ever again.

The ladies here will support you in that :-); May 11, 2013 at 3:33 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror
Your answer to Gemini 50 was a sort of personal revelation... I appreciate that and I must say that it resonates with me in many ways. When I started reading this blog I soon noticed that your advice was based not only on facts but also on your feeling the energy behind them. You wrote to me that you felt a parasitic vibe in "my" man and I was wondering how you knew because I didn´t write so many details, and of course, you hit the nail on the head. Now I am sure it wasn´t by accident when I found this site and participated in it. And yes, it´s very true, it seems that suffering is still inevitable for personal growth and the women on this site suffer in my opinion in one of the most vulnerable areas for a woman - relationships with men.

I wish you all the best.HopefulWithMen; May 11, 2013 at 4:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Funny that you were the first to comment here...I believe there are a handful of women here that are meant to be light workers...and you are one of them :-)

Lady Leo, chk61 Gemini 50, Taurus Sista', Vivian...and believe it or not, LovingMe. I'm calling you girls out ;-)

There are a handful more that have passed through here as well that I suspect are close to their path...but I'm not sure they're still here and have stayed true to it.

Time will tell :-); May 11, 2013 at 5:26 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello ladies :)

Wow, Gemini50..you are on FIRE, girl!! Your spiritual path is being illuminated by angels and you are listening. So glad to see you being guided and being receptive. Totally magnificent!

I just had to tell you all about this arrogant Aries man I met online 5 days ago. What a piece of work! he is 50, a cop, married 3 times. And so full of his own self. 3 days ago we last spoke. He tells me to call him sometime. Well I have no intention of moving beyond this point with him. He is no one Im interested in knowing, his childish arrogance and self-centeredness is a HUGE turn off, BUT....he somehow makes me want to sharpen my leo claws on him. So, at the end of the call, he says to call sometime. I say I dont call men and he gets all uppity saying how ridiculous that is blah blah blah and he hates texting. I didnt care, just said if a man wants to talk to me, he will call. Well, he took that and wanted to stick my words up MY azz and didn't call for 2 days. So today, day 3, I text him cus I want to sharpen my claws on his bad ass head "I won't call, you won't text, so we're doomed lol".

90 mins later he texts this "One text only:Meet me at Starbucks 4pm at xx street/xx ave". LOL YES HE DID!! He gave me an order, girls!! LOL...Second order thus far and we ain't even met yet. I lol'd all over myself with that. I ignored his happy ass and took a two hr nap. When I woke up at 3.30pm, he'd sent a 2nd text saying "Well, you going?" follow by a voice mail saying "Guess you arent going, we both know its YOUR loss!"...LOL LOL LOL...can you believe this snot nose twit of a man???

I tell ya, this is like crack to a Leo woman, just makes me want to toy with him and toss his ego up in the air and back. So I text "I just woke up". He calls right away, can hear my voice is sleepy and tells me to call him when Im awake"..Sure, I say. :) Sure, babbbyyyy I will call your beautiful, arrogant self when pigs fly out of my rump roast!!

Honestly, is this guy a prime example of who we DON'T want to date???? Mama mia!!!; May 11, 2013 at 5:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
LOL, and as I'm calling you out, four minutes later...you appear ;-); May 11, 2013 at 5:44 PM
Lady Leo said...: MOA:

We're are all spiritually connected. I heard your call :)

Oh, here's another snippet....

The Aqua I met recently just happens to be a recovering alcoholic with 20 yrs of sobriety. And just happens to know several people I know from the 12 step world and just HAPPENS to have an ex wife who is a FB friend of mine LOL. I've met her a few times at AA events, and we hae mutual friends, so one day she friends me. We don't talk on FB at all, so we're not close. Well they had a nasty divorce and are not friendly at all.

So yesterday he friends me on FB and within hours she UN-friended me. LOL..my oh my...anyhoo, he is very nice, gentlemanly, funny, respectful. Totally opposite of the Aries cop. He has asked me out a few times but I've been busy both times so politely refused. He texts often with nice comments. Finally, he invited me to Starbucks but I have to refuse but say we can schedule something early next week. He says great, and gives me a gentle warning that "I am persistent so please be sure to let me know if I cross your boundaries"..LOL..out of the mouth of the devil, huh? I told him I have no problem to stand up for myself. Something tells me he enjoys when I refuse him and stand firm. Think it gives him a little rise ;)

And as much as I know about alcoholics, their ego is bigger than the Grand Canyon and no matter how much sobriety they have, they can still manipulate like the best of em. I am so grateful for all I've learned here. These poor guys don't even know they are my guinea pigs. :); May 11, 2013 at 6:25 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,
"then it may have been the "beacon" effect. Something may not have been attempting to get out - but in. When spirits are draw to a beacon, a light worker, they will ATTEMPT TO GET YOUR ATTENTION to let you know they're there and they are in need of help (similar to requesting your services)."

When the ruckus happened, it was right after I sent the last mssg to you. I had just realized for the first time, I think, how wrong it is to expect someone else to be responsible for your life (growth, happiness, etc).

I was also happy as pink about Peter's happiness. I really felt his joy, and hoped that it could also happen for all of us.

So, I don't think there was any negativity; rather I was feeling and thinking good things of you, your work here and the gift of grace and support you have provided. Also note my using the word "beacon" as you have, and note the reference to water and "waves" which was in the Buddhist piece I read this morning.

My message finished with gratitude for your work and Peter's joy.

I am not sure what happened last night, but it scared me. It didn't feel positive. I don't tell people this, but I can sometimes see good and bad very clearly. (Therapist hypothesized it came from childhood abuse and my need to magnify good when I find a little of it, and demonize bad with any indication of it.) I embraced that theory because it made sense, but deep down inside I knew there was more to it.

I sometimes get information/words in my head that make absolute no sense to me. And I share them when I feel safe and the person can hear the message -- for example, when I first started coming to your site and I told you for reasons I did not know, I was supposed to tell you to keep doing what you are doing.

I don't know you, but it was very important for me to tell you that. And I'm glad I did, because you validated me (because I still think I'm making this stuff up at times) by saying you understood and sharing you were having some challenges.

I don't hear voices or anything. It's my voice, just not my words... if that makes sense.; May 11, 2013 at 6:41 PM
Gemini 50 said...: 2 of 2 Continued..

I have no idea what a "light worker" is, or what help I can provide a spirit. I have had contact w/spirits or have been forewarned of evil, but it's nothing I can manage or call upon at will:
- my x-father in law came to me in a dream when I was trying to get child support from my x. He said, "I just want to understand what's going on." So we walked together and looked at screen-sized pictures of events without saying a word. Finally, he turned to me, thanked me, and said, "Don't worry about a thing." The next day went well in court, I got some money (but the child support didn't last).

- And when my dad passed 6 yrs ago on 5/4, I walked in the parking lot afterwards and asked him to give me a sign that he was ok. He loved the number 7. I could give plenty of examples, but just know he loved 7. When I got home at 2:30, the first thing I looked at was my kitchen clock and it was stopped at 7:00. It was him telling me he was ok. (what a beautiful gift that was and still is.)

- When my daughter was 12 and visiting her dad for a week, I had a terrible feeling. I usually don't tell people when I have these feelings (good or bad), but this time I did. I told a fellow secretary that I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen, and it had something to do with my x. I didn't know what it was, but could feel it, and it was bad.

Sure enough, the next day, my lawyer got a fax and without going into detail, the x turned my son into a demon on paper, and our lives became hell for awhile.

- Today's "We are here" I heard when coming back from grocery shopping, and your note above, "to let you know they're there."

But the thing is, is the feeling around today's "We are here," and last night's ruckus, are polar opposites. Today's message was of alliance. Last night's was of a frenzied state.

I am going to go and read your latest links now, but I wanted to respond before reading any more to prevent possibility of new info influencing my current thoughts.

And I don't think you are crazy, Ms. Mirror, I think you are a Savior. Thank you for sharing your experiences. And to everyone else, please accept my sincere apologies for taking up so much space lately.

{hugs!}; May 11, 2013 at 6:44 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Lady Leo, that is some funny stuff! Thanks for sharing, you are hilarious!

@ Ms. Mirror,
Thank you. Slept for a couple hours after reading and researching on net, and now wide awake. It is as though the connections being made to understanding is too strong for my body to sleep thru.

So much about me is making sense to me finally. I could write for days, but I won't. ;)

I am going to let this present process occurring within me happen as it does. No questions and no direction from me. Just understanding where past events, thoughts, feelings, knowledge were unexplainable. (Do you think it only a coincidence that this is happening when I have a few days off from work, my mother gone home, and no obligations to distract me from just being? -- not me.)

To give that a rest a bit, I'll switch subjects: Guess who text me while I was reading Peter's piece on Quantum?

Scorpio> Did u stop in yesterday? I was runnin all day. And I knew who u were, just teasing u

Ha! You were right Ms. Mirror, that man has been scratching his head. lol

We had some good bantering back and forth, but he is still trying for "no strings attached" sex.

He is honest about it, which I respect. And I understand how people could think poorly of him, and think I am crazy or stupid to give him the time of day. It is because I can see (see = understand) the good in him, and I appreciate who he is. It is a choice he is making for himself, and not being deceitful towards me. It is up to me to decide if that is what I want, and if not, to take the correct action. So, my action was to say no thank you, not what I want.

This is the first man I've been involved with (6 meaningful men total) where I have not wanted or needed to completely cut out of my life after we were done. It's interesting to me, Scorpio is not like the other men. When we've been together, I have not felt like he was draining me, taking my positive light from me as other men have. (Honestly, they tell me that they are attracted to my strength and disposition, but then want to suck it right out of me -- and then blame me when I give it up (my power) and it's gone.) Scorpio, rather, would bring his own kind of light. It was dimmer, but it was warm.

Very cool.

Anyway, my journey remains: Do not give up my power to any man (you manly sexy creatures are my weakness lol) and I will continue to absorb what is currently occurring mystically.

I am going back to bed. ;); May 12, 2013 at 4:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
BINGO! I knew Scorpio was yanking you. And it bothered him that his little prank didn't yield the reaction from you that he was expecting. As a result, he contacted you to get to the bottom of it ;-)

As for a lightworker:

"Lightworkers are those who volunteered, before birth, to help people heal from the effects of fear. Very often, however, life on earth with its material focus creates a form of amnesia in lightworkers. They forget their abilities. When lightworkers forget their true identity and purpose, they feel lost and afraid.

Your are a lightworker if you: Feel called to heal others; want to resolve the world's social and environmental problems; believe that spiritual methods can heal; have had mystical experiences, such as psychic premonitions or encounters; have endured harsh life experiences that eroded the knowledge of your calling; want to heal your own life as a first step in healing the world; feel compelled to write, teach, or counsel about your healing experiences, or feel a sense of urgency to fulfill your mission before you know that you are here for a higher purpose, or even if you are unsure what it is or how to fulfill it.

If your intuition is urging you toward a healing function, you can be sure that this is a Divine voice and not just wishful thinking. In recent years, a spiritual call has been broadcast — like a psychic "help wanted" ad — asking for lightworkers to awaken to their healing roles."

"Lightworkers are people who are here for the purpose of raising the consciousness of mankind."

"Lightworkers have a "core" of goodness within them, they carry a higher energy vibration which helps them to be positive and loving. Lightworkers often come with dual or multiple purposes. They will have their own "stuff" to work on in addition to their soul agreement to serve globally as a channeler of light."

Cont. . .; May 12, 2013 at 7:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And when you did this:

"I told you for reasons I did not know, I was supposed to tell you to keep doing what you are doing."

Is when I was confirmed of my suspicions that you're a worker (because you delivered a significant message with precise timing, the calling card of a worker). What you may not know is, I had an in-depth conversation with Peter about the "connection" there, because that's not the only time that timing and precision has come into play with you. I had also been noticing it in your comments. A theme would be playing out in my life and then that night or the next day, you'd be commenting about the very theme playing out - and you were none-the-wiser because I had never made mention of it prior.

Don't seek the answers - just do the work. And by that I mean, do as you had done with me. When you feel compelled to share a message for reasons unknown, follow your gut and do so. Because what you say may not make sense to you, but the individual you're sharing it with needs to hear it.

I do that a lot here; I vibe off of my gut many times when dissecting the energies being exchanged between women and men here. And when I say something without any validation to back it up, I'll wrap it in "my gut is telling me" to somewhat explain why I'm throwing this out there. Because it isn't something I was told, it's something I feel. Much like I did with HopefulWithMen and my parasitic statement.

So my suggestion moving forward is - listen to your gut. Your intuition is the fleeting thoughts that you experience within a 3-5 second window after an information exchange. After that, logic kicks in and tends to override intuition by rationalizing things away. It's one of the reasons that I attempt to help women separate logic and emotions and to learn when to apply/listen to each accordingly. There are times for intuition and there are times for logic - and when you learn to separate both and know when to apply each appropriately, it becomes second nature. And as I've stated previously, I feel that women in particular are very capable of doing so.

Everything happens for a reason dear - good and bad - as it's those experiences that shape us and guide us through life :-); May 12, 2013 at 7:49 AM
Vee said...: hi Miss MoA,
Just reading your words about light workers and it resonated on many levels. I've had windows of time always when my head was clear and I'd escaped yet again from some bad relationship and healed for a time - I guess during times of growth as I learned a lesson I needed that I felt I had healing hands and that prayers I dedicated to others actually worked. During my most troubled times when I was in despair and asked for help I had visions and things were better. I managed over the last year to opt out of two destructive men during dating and then the one recent relationship to untangle during the first down of the rollercoaster instead of cycling and hoping. Your words have reminded me of what I'd forgotten and what I've gained. Thank you!
Vee; May 12, 2013 at 1:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, loving me,

Hope you're ok loving me and got over you're tearful spell :)! This soon shall pass...

Right here goes this it where I'm up to now, he has contacted me (he is away at the moment) so I'm doing the three day thing as I'm undecided what he is yet and his level of interest. So yesterday, Sat he contacted me, so does that mean my 3 days is Mon or Tues.

It was a surprise to hear off him as I was really unsure what was going on but I'm definitely standing my ground as I want to create some uncertainty for him and turn the tables on him now, so he can get some idea of consequences, gain back the control on this, show him I emotionally strong etc.

I really don't know what is going to come of this but I'm just focusing on the behavioural changes I have made and been making and it is definitely helping me to get some perspective and value myself. I never done anything like this before and the old me would have jumped at the first instance the minute he contacted me. I definitely think he will be expecting a pretty much immediate response - no chance.

I've come a long way in a short space of time from being the initiator to being strong (even though I've felt weak) and holding out and now not being at his beck and call now he has contacted me. I hope these three days makes him think really, if nothing else he must notice my response and behaviour has changed somewhat.

I've only known this guy for two months and not even met him yet it's all been text, email and phone calls so I wasn't sure of my chances as not had an meeting yet.

I'm going to mirror him, once I get back in contact.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated please, this is all new to me but willing to learn.

Thank you; May 12, 2013 at 1:47 PM
Anonymous said...: @Vee and everybody!
I´ve been in your shoes. I like it how you say that you were able not to continue the rollecoaster ride this time!

I read this blog whenever I am on the internet. Today one idea has occurred to me - the women here have so much in common on many levels and Mirror says it is not a coincidence that we have gathered here. And my idea is that maybe one of the reasons why we are here is that finally we have reached a point in our lives when we will not suffer in relationships with men anymore, when we will sort out our private lives and start a completely new path. That´s what has occurred to me and I am determined to remind myself of this idea from now on because as Mirror says "like attracts like".

Have a nice week,
HopefulWithMen; May 12, 2013 at 4:05 PM
KK said...: Hope everyone had a great weekend and any Mothers here, I truly hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day. Passing through, having my morning coffee and really enjoying everyone's posts, especially you Gemini 50! Very inspiring and you're doing great! - I also can relate to the numerology aspect of your post, but only a different sequence of numbers, which i'll get to later. @Lady Leo, you are hilarious, and as a fellow Leo, I honestly would love to rip my claws into that man (not in a good way!) How arrogant and rude!
I also believe and agree that intuition is a very strong thing and can not be ignored, I think a few of you of are realizing that too and are following through with it, keep it up! Mirror, I appreciate your recent posts about your experiences and all of the interesting information about lightworkers. I don't think any of us would ever dare to accuse you of being insane. I for one truly believe in that kind of thing and think my own mother could be a 'lightworker'. She has a very strong intuition and has told me about having premonitions/dreams of events occurring. She was always very close (spiritually, emotionally, intuitively) with a friend of hers, always seemed to 'read eachother' even in absence, this friendship lasted many years and the stories she has told me used to really freak me out lol, it's almost unreal. But I believe. After not hearing from her friend, she had this instinct or gut feeling that something was not right, she tried to write and call, to no avail.
One night, in the dead of winter, (about 10 years ago I would say) my mother was in bed and could not warm up, at all! She was actually shivering, while being wrapped in multiple layers, heat on, etc. She and I started to see the numbers '222' everywhere - it was also a prior address where we once lived, part of a phone number we had, everytime we looked at the clock, it would be 2:22, or 12:22, numbers on buildings, bills, etc. And still to this day I wonder why I was also seeing the same thing?
Her friend had passed away and the doctors/coroner said she had a brain tumor, she had wandered into the 'country', parked her car and had walked into the woods and had fell asleep against a tree and froze to death basically. She was trying to tell my mom what happened to her that night, and make her physically 'feel' it. This woman's daughter also has an ability of some kind to see and hear spirit, and even myself at times have experienced 'pleasant' things or 'visits' I like to think of them as. I've heard my father's voice whispering in my ear many times(mostly in times of extreme stress or emotion) which is very comforting. I've been able to pick up certain scents that weren't really there but related to the 'spirit' (strong cologne/scent my grandfather wore - which you could not recreate if you tried, the scent of paint used in die-cast models my father picked up as a hobby) Never anything physical or anything to be fearful of.
I'm sure there is research that says these 'abilities' can possibly be passed down from generations as well. I know this is a little off topic, but since it related to Gemini 50's post, I thought I'd add my experiences or story.
Mirror, what can you tell me about the '222' numerology?; May 13, 2013 at 6:26 AM
Lady Leo said...: Hello lady friends :)

I hope the mommies here enjoyed a lovely Mother's day yesterday. Mine was kinda gloomy actually, nothing worked out as planned but in the end my son returned home from college and we hung out and laughed together while watching old videos. So it was a good day nonetheless.

After I didn't return the call of Office Arrogant Aries on Saturday, he decided to call me Sunday...at 8:00 am..!! Mothers day too. I mean, WHO does that? Why, a thoughtless Aries man, of course. I let it go to VM, his message? "Hi, Happy mothers day. Thanks for calling me back yesterday!". FFS...this guy I've NOT met in person and only known for a week! So rude and fresh. Long story short, I called him back to break up with him LOL. I told him the reason I didn't call was due to his VM saying that because I didnt meet him at Starbucks as he ordered me to that "it is YOUR loss, Lady Leo". Good lord, this man has NO confidence with women otherwise he wouldn't have to use cave man techniques. His response? "Well it WAS your loss"..ha ha...oh come on, Im a JOKER". Yes, dear...you are a joker!

So, HE says "I don't think we can be anything other than friends". Ya think? I don't think we can be friends, pal. So, when I agreed with him, I think he felt burned and became even more snotty. I ended it with best of luck and stay safe out there. Buh byeee. *smh*

I have to say it left me feeling badly, not sure why. Maybe just cus its so disheartening to see such unevolved men still out there at age 50. God, the poor guy is a sad case. It left me missing the sag cop even more. :(

Oh on that...my niece texted a happy Mothers day message last night, and up popped a previous message I sent her with a pic of the Sag and I from our last date. That bummed me out to see him. I deleted it, of course.

This too shall pass.; May 13, 2013 at 8:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
"When 222 repeats in your life you are asked to take a balanced, harmonious and peaceful stance in all areas of your life. The message is to keep the faith and stand strong in your personal truths.

The message of repeating Number 222 is that everything will turn out for the best in the long-term."

To me, it represents a "faith" call, keeping the faith :-); May 13, 2013 at 8:40 AM
KK said...: Thanks MOA for the info. Makes a lot of sense considering all the specific details at that time. And just great in general to remember, for anyone. Also read the links you provided Gemini 50 as well. Good stuff!; May 13, 2013 at 11:06 AM
KK said...: I didn't mention anything in regards to my situation with Pisces. Almost didn't even cross my mind at the time - must be a good sign. Or it just isn't really important or relevant as of yet. But regardless, as for the previous activity: He texted April 18th & 19th with stupid questions/testing me. I didn't reply, until April 29th(he did ask a question, even if it was a stupid one lol) And I answered pretty vaguely, carefree, it wasn't a big deal to me and I knew what to watch for, prepared myself. I figured a week plus a few extra days gave me some time to 'filter' through my own thoughts and get a handle on my possible reaction. Basically just told him I've been pretty busy, so I guess I did fall off the earth in a way and I asked how he was. I don't feel like I was answering to him or feeding the monster so to speak, just kept it light. And by me telling him I've been 'pretty busy' it's like I was giving him the opportunity to inquire a little more about what I've exactly been busy with. Didn't surprise me when he never asked anything further, I smiled anyway and mirrored him when he told me he was tired and also that he got a puppy - He didn't show interest in my life, so why should I show interest in his crap? He did a good deed by taking the puppy in, she was underweight and left in a box on the side of the road, so I did express that he did a good thing and at least she can have a chance now, also that is was a plus for his other dog, they'll keep eachother busy. (But if I was the scared, weak puppy on the side of the road, he would probably just keep driving and not even notice)That was my immediate thought at the time, but I kept things upbeat, positive. It was short and sweet, my responses were delayed by 2 hours, then 1 hour, 30 mins, it varied cause he was on my watch and I was busy anyway. But I definitely didn't sit by the phone or have a 'marathon' of texting with him. I've been communicating with other men as well. Although things have been pretty quiet lately and I'm definitely not pursuing. It's true how obvious things really are when you sit back and observe. Didn't speak to one for a week, maybe longer now (very positive person and had a really good conversation one evening, thinks I'm great, immediately felt comfortable with me he said, like he trusted me, could talk about anything with me)and then he texted me 'Never heard from you again' - hmmm I wonder why? I'm independent and have a life. That irked me, and he was putting the responsibility on me. Like i'm gonna take 2 steps forward and then 5 steps backwards? No thanks. Other's have been through email, one wasn't reciprocating 'general' information, couldn't answer the same question(s) he asked me. Almost been 2 weeks since the last email, I haven't initiated anything, just responded. Another one(now I sound like player, don't I? LOL) texted me a few times, but it's always late at night, as I’m getting ready for bed, always just 'How are you, how was your day?' Nothing else. I looked up his number in the directory and of course my own research, his number came up in a listing for his home he was selling - along with his WIFE, found links to both their Facebook profiles, they have 2 kids. I would like more confirmation, without being too obvious about it, but it already seems legit to me, nobody else would have the same phone number. I almost found myself making excuses or not seeing it for what it really is, then I snapped out of it, QUICK! - Ridiculous though that there are many men who play sick games/flake/are insecure down to the bone. But of course I'm thankful for the lessons I did learn, how I stepped back and now I see everything pretty clearly. Temptation is still there sometimes to fall back on previous behaviors, but then it just reminds you of the hurt and you don't go there again. Once or twice is enough.; May 13, 2013 at 11:13 AM
KK said...: I'm still only interested in Pisces, deep down. I was playful in my last messages to him, he of course responded back in the same manner (nothing sexual or flirty) Just my crazy, silly sense of humour, he agreed with what I had said with a playful 'When are you not?' Like I was 'on', had quick-witted answers. I took it as a compliment, quickly said good night and it's been silent ever since, tomorrow will be the 2 week mark, again. I know that's nothing to a man, that's kind of like 2 days in his mind. Can't help but wonder, but not dwell. It's hard to put it into words, but I almost feel a little detached from him if that makes sense, I’m feeling more nonchalant and 'la la la..' :) He only used to be able to go 4-5 days without talking to me, now he's up to 2 weeks, I'm not sure if that means he's thinking(good) or if he's continuing to pull away(bad)? I know not to think about it that much, it's just my curiosity now really. And of course I don't expect anyone to have an exact answer for me, unless you can read minds! Either way this is good though.; May 13, 2013 at 11:16 AM
Anonymous said...: KK - I think 2wks can be a pretty significant time-frame for a man, to start thinking and then take action (check in with you), I'm not sure whether it's enough time for them to geniunely realise though about their behaviour and how they feel about you - I'm still sussing that one out myself! You sound like you're doing really well, give yourself LOADS of CREDIT you're really looking at things logically/objectively and not being controlled by your emotions and then getting drawn into silly behaviour that's not going to serve your best interests. Keep up the good work girlfriend - all will be revealed and I'm sure you'll get a good man who recognises your worth or learns to recognise your worth, be that Mr Pisces or whoever you're meant to be with...

Sugar Plum; May 13, 2013 at 6:02 PM
KK said...: @Sugar Plum, thnx for your comment, it's really appreciated. I also agree that 2wks is not enough time to actually realize anything significant, but I do think they start wondering a little anyway. Thank you for the support, I notice those little changes in myself but it's always an extra boost when others see it as well. Not for my ego, it just validates that this is working and I'm projecting that outwards I guess, it's visible. I'm sure men eventually pick up on that 'vibe' too, even if they're not around you and are drawn back to you.

How funny that you mention him taking action and checking in. He did that this evening at about 9:10pm. It's always the same though 'Hey are you alive?' - Not the 'Hey, How are you?' 'What's new?' I kinda wanted instead. That is his personality though (maybe his way of seeing how I'm doing, I don't know) and either way I crossed his mind right?. Obviously I'm alive and doing well, but to him I fell off the earth again. I don't care if he might be feeling lonely, I have no sympathy anymore for him. I'm gonna continue to wait it out some more. But I always feel stuck somehow when it comes to this point, always wondering what I could say to him, days or even a week later, something that would 'affect' him. Silence works great too.
I'm just still so amazed by how I'm really feeling now since I've pulled back: happier, less worried or consumed with him. Back to the woman - or on my way, to how I used to be BEFORE him. Love it!
- And again I'm so thankful for this community and how connected we all are to eachother, yet we're complete strangers. Only affirms that we were MEANT to go through this and everything does happen for a reason.; May 14, 2013 at 12:20 AM
Lovingme said...: Hi MOA, how are you. I've been ok...I guess. I had more waterworks today...I really hate this process, it REALLY sucks. :(

I have also been seeing a # very often which is 234. I'd associate that # with him because that # was part of his previous phone #, & every time I saw the #, I knew that he would return. It's like I could feel his presence & I can sense him near me, or I sensed he was depressed or something was wrong. Just recently I sensed that he was out of work & IDK why I kept feeling that...low & behold when we spoke, he IS out of work due to getting hurt on his job.

That was SO bizarre. But I'm sure the # has more significance than that. I'm also starting to see it again. I see it on license plates, tv, on the digital clock. It's weird because if I happen to briefly open my eyes from sleeping, it's on my clock which has happened a few times. If I'm walking passed my bedroom (the clock displays big #'s) I stroll pass just in time to see the #, as well as walking into my room at that time.

What really freaked me out was during the hurricane, I lost power for a few days & my digital clock automatically sets itself back to the correct time whenever it has been enabled. So, when the power does come back on, the clock sets for 2:34...I thought to myself no, that can't be the correct time, it feels so much later than that...well it was. It was 5 in the morning...

While driving, I ended up behind someone with that license plate # twice. Another time I drove passed a parked truck with the same # & as far as tv goes, I see it often there as well. WTF is up with 234?

I know this all cannot be a coincidence seeing this # often, especially with the clock setting to that time, when that wasn't even the correct time! I believe that there is something connected to that # the universe is trying to show me. I just don't have a clue as to what it is. I thought it was connecting me to him, but I believe it goes much deeper than that.; May 14, 2013 at 2:00 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I need some advice please. I've had a man ignore my text after regular contact, so I disappeared. He has contacted me just under 2 weeks later, I have ignored this for nearly three days now.

My question is: is three days enough time for a man to realise the consequence of his actions, create uncertainty etc? When he got back in contact he didn't mention anything about the fact that he had not got back to me. I think that he has become pretty sure that I really like him as I used to initiate contact etc and will have expected an immediate reply.

I was thinking of getting back to him at the 3 day mark as your article suggests, it is quite a difference to my usual behaviour, so I really hope that this timeline is enough to counter his moves and gain the upper hand here.

Would really appreciate your help/advice,I've not met this man yet and we are in the early days -2mths.

Thank you; May 14, 2013 at 4:25 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LovingMe,
The number 234 in numerology can represent mixed energies - it also totals to the number 9.

Balanced energy of nine, it is "often associated with tolerance, generosity, forgiveness, passion, creative energy, success, romance, benevolence, and a deep love of life. Nine energy flows like water and is reflective of universal love."

Non-balanced energy of nine "includes such things as a hazy disposition, life as a drifter, an overly-detached disposition, apathy, confusion, impracticality, and submission."

And if you look at the numbers individually, "2 denotes finding balance and harmony within, love and support, diplomacy and co-operation, and listening to your intuitive insights."

"3 relates to optimism and enthusiasm, inspiration and creativity, encouragement and assistance, talent and skills, expansion and growth, charisma and excellent communicative skills to manifest your desires and chosen path."

"4 tells of working steadily, patiently and diligently towards achieving goals and aspirations, truth and integrity, practicality, system and order, self-initiation, building solid foundations"

As with the number 111, any repeating sequence of numbers playing out in one's life serves as a wake up call of sorts. And once you acknowledge it, open up to it when seeing it, more will come - more guidance.

So at this point, don't try necessarily to figure out what it means, rather try to simply acknowledge it and see where it guides you ;-); May 14, 2013 at 8:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 14, 4:25 AM,
"is three days enough time for a man to realise the consequence of his actions, create uncertainty etc?"

No dear. No one transforms themselves in 3 days time. It will serve to create balance and keep things fair in the relationship, however, it will not transform him.

What you're referring to here in this article is "mirroring" - however long it took for him to contact you is how long you should take to respond - if it's mirroring that you're attempting to use rather than no contact for 30 days.

So if you want to mirror him, he ignored you and took two weeks to respond - so I'd suggest that you take two weeks as well, to balance things out and make things fair.; May 14, 2013 at 9:01 AM
Saggi said...: Hi Mirror,

I'm not sure if you remember me? I was the one who was played by a helicopter pilot. To keep a long story short, he did contact me, but by that time I was seeing someone else, and I was no longer interested in him. It's funny how with time, comes perspective. I look back at how devastated I was when he disappeared on me, but now I don't even know what I saw in him.

Now, for the past 3 months I've been seeing another ex military guy, who I shall call Scuba. Well Scuba pursued me heavily, and we were seeing each nearly every day in the first week. I fell for him heavily.

However, he had an anger problem, and would often get angry at me over illogical things and threaten to break up with me, for example, over "asking stupid questions". I went from feeling like a good catch to feeling that he was the only guy in the world, and someone I needed to desperately hold onto at all costs. Of course, he must have picked up on my desperate and needy vibes, and started to pull back.

To try and keep this story short, when he broke up with me last week, I asked him to give us another chance. I practically begged him to take me back. We talked for hours, and he "agreed" to give it another go, but that we should "take it slow". For the next week, I would text him and he would only respond with one word answers or not at all.

Finally, he agreed to meet on the Friday to see a movie, but at the last minute he told me not to come over as he "needed to be alone" and "didn't want to see anyone at the moment." I told him I respected his need to be alone, but low and behold I found that he had logged on to an online dating site on the weekend. I was devastated.

That was the last straw. I decided I wasn't going to chase him anymore. I began to wake up to my worth and value again, and that he was not better than me. In fact, he was very lucky to have me in his life!

So, I stopped contacting him. And what happened? He phoned me on Sunday night inviting me around to see him the next day. Based on what I had learnt on your site, I crafted the perfect text to send to him:

Hey. Nice to hear from you :) Monday is going to be insanely busy for me so I won't be able to catch up. How about later in the week? Hope you're well!

He then tried to call me the next morning, which I ignored, but called him that night, but he didn't pick up.

This was yesterday. I've not heard from him since then, but will not be chasing him. I've also decided to accept a coffee date with another man, as Scuba voided any exclusivity privileges when he logged back onto a dating site. This is also giving me my confidence back.

Mirror, do you think I'm playing this right with Scuba? Do you think he'll be back or he'll just disappear if I don't contact him? Deep down, Scuba is quite insecure, and as a result, I think he prefers that the woman chases him.

Oh, and one other thing. I just read your posts regarding light workers, the universe working in serendipitous ways, and the link between suffering and growth. Two weeks ago I hit a low. Not only was I wondering where I was going with my life, but the pain of this on/off again relationship was taking its toll.

Since then, the universe has been working in mysterious ways. For example, I've bonded with my supervisor (I'm doing a PhD) who come out of a long term marriage and is learning to live and love being on her own. We are both helping each other. Even though she is a Professor, she also believes in the law of attraction and has personal examples of the universe working in ways that go beyond coincidence. And I don't think it's any coincidence that I logged on here tonight to read your most recent posts.

Anyway, I just thought I had to pop in, say hello, and let you know that even though I don't know you personally, your posts have been, and continue to be, a great source of strength for me.

Saggi; May 14, 2013 at 9:13 AM

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