Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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Peter said...: @Anonymous May 14, 4:25 AM,
"is three days enough time for a man to realise the consequence of his actions, create uncertainty etc?"

I think MOA is correct here and for good reason. It can be said that quite a lot of men don't pay attention to the lady they date in enough detail to pick up subtle changes, deviations and they don't put enough thought into their actions. In other words it's a combination of the two things. If a man puts thought into his actions and is really interested in you then 3 days will be too short a time but you wont need weeks either it will be somewhere in between.

From a personal perspective if I had wronged the lady I'm involved with and there were changes in her mood or actions in some small way I'd know. If she went into NC(I will never ever give her reason to do so) but if she ever had to do that I'd be right there in minutes. I can't lose her and I wont. So I wont say judge it as an individual case.

every man is different and take it as a sign of interest. If you're on his mind a lot and he values you highly then it maybe faster than you think. Only time will time tell.; May 14, 2013 at 9:14 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous May 14, 4:25 AM,

Hi Mirror really confused here from your article above on mirroring

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again.

it doesn't say about mirroring for the exact length of time, say in my case two weeks.

I've done the three days but due to the fact that my relationship is not formed at all with this person i.e not met and only 2mths I don't feel comfortable doing the whole two weeks at present. If I'd been on dates with the guy then yes.

Please could you help/clarify in my situation - really confused now!!!

Thank you; May 14, 2013 at 12:50 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous May 14, 4:25 AM,

Cont..
Hi Mirror just to add in a previous post you said for me to wait for 3days before contacting him - so really confused, please could you clarify . thank you!!!; May 14, 2013 at 1:19 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous May 14, 4:25 AM,
Cont from other posts
Hi everyone, can anyone help re: my dilemma contacting after three days, if Mirror is not around as I was going to contact him today as the three days in up but I don't want to do anything stupid, I just don't feel that to wait two weeks to get back to him at this stage is appropriate as were in the very early days, nothing has been formed as not even met him yet!!!; May 14, 2013 at 1:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggi,
Anytime you chase a man dear, they're bound to lose interest (but will sleep with you first). And that's because it's unnatural.

The natural order of things by the universal laws of Mother Nature is that man leads, woman submits (not roll over and play dead, but follow the mans lead). When a women takes the lead, she exhibits masculine energy. And men are NOT attracted to masculine energy (leading), they are attracted to feminine energy (submissive).

"Mirror, do you think I'm playing this right with Scuba?"

At this point dear, I think he's proved that he's only half interested. If you make yourself available to him, he will sleep with you, but then most likely disappear afterwards :-(

"I think he prefers that the woman chases him."

I'm not sure I agree with that, because if that were true, then he would've been receptive to your chase.

I'm glad that you're finding the information shared here useful towards your growth and self empowerment :-); May 14, 2013 at 3:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 14, 12:50 PM,
There is no hard and fast "exact" amount of time dear, because each situation is different, each individual is different and each length of time a man ignores a woman is different. What I had provided in the article was only a brief example of behavioral mirroring. And three days is a bare minimum that one should at least follow. However, true mirroring would require the same length of time. If he ignored you for two weeks, then you do the same and mirror that treatment to keep things fair and to set healthy boundaries to let the man know that if he treats you that way - that's the treatment he'll receive in return.

If a man ignores you for two weeks, then why on earth would you fear doing the same in return? If he doesn't fear losing you, then why do you fear losing him? Why fear losing a man that doesn't care? And for that matter, how can you lose something you do not yet have?

"A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch (the man), but on her own wings (herself)."

If you let fear steer the wheel in the decisions you make in life - you will never find your happiness.

Fear is not the path to happiness, therefore - you should NEVER let it guide you.; May 14, 2013 at 3:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 14, 4:25 AM,
Honey, I cannot walk you through this every step of the way. You're seeking a "guarantee" and I cannot provide you that.

I can only show you the technique - but it is YOU that has to DO THE WORK and begin to effectively take what you've learned and begin to apply it to your daily life.

You can use three days, you can use two weeks, you can use one month, you can use three months and you can chose never to speak to the man ever again if you like.

You have free will dear, you just need to learn to use it.

"I just don't feel that to wait two weeks to get back to him at this stage is appropriate as were in the very early days"

Then there's your answer dear. You've answered your own question.

And just an FYI, setting boundaries in the very early days is WHEN IT'S MOST IMPORTANT. Because however you let this man treat you early on - is going to set the stage for how he treats you from that day forward.

"nothing has been formed as not even met him yet!!!"

Again dear, why fear losing something that you do not have? If he hasn't made any commitments to you or asked you for exclusivity, then you can't lose him because you don't have him.

There's too much fear here. You're living your life and making all of your decisions based on fear. Letting fear guide you (instead of self confidence) will never lead you to happiness dear.; May 14, 2013 at 3:50 PM
Lovingme said...: Wow...that makes a lot of sense Mirror, thank you. I guess the universe was telling me all along to look within myself to find peace, happiness, strength, etc. basically to give myself what I have been seeking in others.

Yes, I will see where it guides me because I'm intrigued now...:) I also have a 9th house stellium whereas I have 7 planets in the 9th house. Interesting huh?; May 14, 2013 at 8:08 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

I found an article by hop-skotching to a site you referenced, and then that author referenced this one:
http://postmasculine.com/vulnerability-and-manipulative-women

It is not what the title suggests... it's a really good piece for women to read as well as men.

The author is responding to an email from a man re: male vulnerability, women going for assholes, and women behaving manipulatively. I am sure the response was a surprise to the email writer, and may surprise the women here. The article supports and shows examples of women appropriately testing men. There is ALOT more good stuff within the article, too much to list here.

Hugs to ALL!

p.s. I'm doing good. No drama. I'm paying attention, and things are still connecting. I've been keeping busy doing a lot of yard work -- my body is sooooooo sore! ;); May 14, 2013 at 10:02 PM
Anonymous said...: hi i need advice i gave in too soon to his advances and succumbed to inebriation and surrendered my virtue on the second date.. in the beginning he called, text-ed we went for dinner then he went MIA and came back the we went out again and danced and he was the perfect gentleman and then we went back to his place....since then he has been going MIA then coming back with hey u hows its going when we meeting up? feeling very foolish i haven't been responding so much... then we arranged lunch and he blow me off last minute..so i after a few texts i told him have a good weekend and a great trip" he wrote back with" whats that meant to mean" i didn't reply. then he wrote hey we texted and then i was not particularly nice and in a hurtful yet joking way called him a lothario and he should erase the tape of that night... during all this i had left my earings at his place and when i realized that he was blowing me off i told him i could send my couriour to pick them from his office.. he replied with "i dont have them right now but you could send him tomorrow" unfortunately my couriour was busy so i texted him and asking him how he is and said that my couriour may not be able to pass to collect my earings today..he hasnt replied and now its at a stale mate and i feel terrible for being so nasty.. should i call him,; May 15, 2013 at 9:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you! i followed the above and sent a text 4 days after he responded like you suggested and he replied straight away with a flirtatious reply, asking if i had brought him anything back from my holiday.... should i respond with a flirtatious response or play it cool to keep him interested? Thanks :-); May 15, 2013 at 11:41 AM
chk61 said...: hey ladies -

Been laying low, have had a couple of interesting encounters with my D.M. (disappearing man). Won't go into all the details right here but I decided after last weekend (we spent some time together, yup - GULP - again instigated by me) to put up a new profile with a photo, and will be adding more photos this week. Well, who wrote to me this AM and complimented me on my photo. Yup.

Most of the men who have written to me are not at all attractive or appealing but there are a few I will consider meeting. So I'm feeling a bit encouraged that I can meet other men to get my mind off D.M. (who I still find very attractive physically). I'm still healing from my #$%& injury which is very slow and still very concerning (it's a serious one but I have hope for a full recovery) but I have to enjoy life in the meantime.

Ok, so he checked out my new profile with the photo and sent me an email this AM (via the online dating site where we met) commenting/agreeing on something I said about myself, and then said: "That is a great picture, BTW!"

Do I give him a taste of his own medicine and NOT reply? Or do I send him a quick "thank you" in a couple of days?; May 15, 2013 at 11:58 AM
Lady Leo said...: chk61:

Why have you chosen to pursue the man who walked away in silence?

Have you had a frank, open discussion as to why he left? Or are you looking the other way?

These are all rhetorical questions, you don't need to answer.

Good luck, I hope it works the way you want it to.; May 15, 2013 at 9:25 PM
chk61 said...: hi Lady Leo:

I think it was a combination of it being the lusty month of May and just feeling like I had nothing to lose. I felt like I was in control and it turns out, I am. And no, we still have not slept together and probably won't (although I briefly considered wondering if was capable of FWB with him but unfortunately, I am just not able to do that) I'm not pursuing anymore. It seems the game *may* have shifted in my favor actually and I'm laying back. If he doesn't contact me, then we're done - much as I am attracted to him in a chemical/physical way the other stuff isn't there so what's the point?

As I said, I'm feeling buoyed by having additional options after getting the courage up to place my photo in a new online dating (OLD) profile. I really hate OLD - it results in so much flaking behavior with that sea of faces and "kid in a candy store" mentality but I see few alternatives.

I don't plan on initiating again with him but I'm just wondering how and if and when to reply to his message sent to me on the OLD site.; May 16, 2013 at 8:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"I'm just wondering how and if and when to reply to his message sent to me on the OLD site."

Put him to the test dear - don't respond - and see how long it takes him to become curious and "tap" you. It will tell you a lot of his level of interest ;-); May 16, 2013 at 8:57 AM
chk61 said...: Yes, thanks Mirror - that is my gut feeling - don't respond at all or wait several days. Actually, I am being bombarded with emails from other men on this OLD site so I have a good excuse.

Despite my history with this man, I am usually fearful of appearing impolite - with anyone (common courtesy is so severely lacking these days and I like to keep my karma on the "good" side). I don't like to stoop to someone else's level of bad behavior. So to me, the polite thing when someone gives me a compliment, is to say "thank you".

I guess in this situation it is appropriate to lean back and see if he decides to take it further. In our last encounter, we had a pretty great time and he emailed me the next morning (this past weekend) that he had a lot of fun. I responded in a friendly "mirroring" type way. I mean, it's not like we haven't met in real life so why respond to him on the dating site?? It does not seem necessary, he has my phone number, he has my email address and he has been to my home! He freakin' knows where to find me! :-); May 16, 2013 at 10:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Can you please please please write an article about how to go from being a guy's booty call to being his girlfriend?; May 16, 2013 at 12:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 16, 12:23PM,
Regretfully dear, I cannot write that article - because that'll never happen :-(

Once a woman has a decreased value in a man's eyes, it's incredibly difficult to change the perception he has of the woman, if not virtually impossible.

Which is why, as a woman, you never settle for booty call status if it's something real that you want.; May 16, 2013 at 5:04 PM
Lovingme said...: Mirror I'm wondering...does it have to be a mutual understanding of both parties agreeing that the situation is just a booty call, or if the 2 parties are casually dating & having sex, but hasn't discussed the relationship status yet until it just happens to come up. Is the woman's value still decreased being that they've slept together without solidifying a romantic relationship?

I'm asking because I've seen it happen. The 2 are dating casually, sleeping together, & it evolves into a romantic relationship.; May 16, 2013 at 7:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LovingMe,
Well there's a difference between dating and a being a booty call. A booty call is when the man only devotes the time necessary to have sex with the woman. He doesn't really date her - instead, he "hooks up" with her for brief periods of time, has sex and then leaves.

Dating is completely different. When dating, the couple are doing things together, they're going out, enjoying activities together, having dinner, going to the movies and spending time together in addition to the intimate time with one another.; May 16, 2013 at 10:45 PM
Anonymous said...: I haven't had too many dating issues lately having learned the power of NC, and realizing my own value (Mirror, thank you so much for that x 1,000,000!).

My question today is not about men... but about female friendships. Does mirroring/NC still apply?

I have this friend whom I've known for about 8 years. We were really close, but then I ended up distancing myself while I was going through a really difficult time.

We e-mail once every few months.. and only recently moved to instant messaging (haven't seen her in probably 3 years).

She's sweet, caring, supportive - however, it seems every time we attempt to meet, she's sick or something else.

We're supposed to meet this Saturday for dinner (I wanted to treat her - for her belated birthday) - but she didn't get back to me the entire week (I had to email her AND text her).

She finally texted me back today saying she's still feeling sick with a sore throat and didn't want to get me sick before my vacation.

I told her, I don't mind, that I could drop by her place with some tea and this cute card I bought for her from Europe.

She's like...we can always meet later after your vacation blah blah. But thing is - SHE was the one who suggested a meetup before I left!

After days of no response during the week - I started thinking.... did I INITIATE too much, and should have treated her more like a man I'm dating?

I couldn't believe I was even THINKING that.

My other gf's are proactive in suggesting plans and meeting up so I always feel like it's balanced. Perhaps I should have leaned back with this friend?

I wanted to make an extra effort to see her, to compensate for being an absent friend over the years. We have really deep talks, and she shared something very personal that happened with her family recently...but when it comes to meeting, it never seems to happen.

- Vivian; May 17, 2013 at 4:05 AM
Anonymous said...: Just a little quote I read - short but sweet...

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.

and ladies we all deserve the best, believe it, feel it, live it!

Sugar plum; May 17, 2013 at 8:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
Yes, I believe NC/mirroring can be applied to friendships as well. Pull back a bit and see what happens - see if she reaches out or if she lets it fall by the wayside.

Then you'll have your answer :-); May 17, 2013 at 8:53 AM
Mltn said...: MOA, your posts have been a great learning experience for me, re-entering the dating scene after more than a decade out. I wonder if you have a thought about my situation.

I've been close friends with a male co-worker for about 7 years. We are BEST friends, talk about anything, there's always been mutual affect, respect, loyalty, a lot of commonality and compatibility.

About a year ago, I began to take notice of him in more of a romantic way. A few weeks ago, he told me that he was interested in me, that he had been for several months, too.

So, I'm out of my element on the "rules" with this guy, and I think I've already made big mistakes. I've never known a man so well before getting intimate with him. And the tension's been there a long time. So after the "dam broke," so to speak, where we talked about the mutual interest and all, we pretty rapidly escalated sexually (not "all the way," but close).

And I'm sure you know what happens next. Relentless pursuit becomes rapid retreat, and he backs way off. Sheepishly wanders by a couple of days later, I tell him to get his head on straight and figure out what he wants. He comes back, is pursuing me.

Yep, then begins a longer, less dramatic withdrawal. Way less contact. We work together, yet I don't see him. Not stopping by my office, no more lunches, no stolen kisses. He was texting up a storm, not so much.

But. He waits for me to arrive at work and walks me to the office. He calls me like clockwork every morning. He'll text me at night, innocuous random stuff. I don't reach out to him, but I have been responding.

The thing I don't get is that we've been besties for the better part of a decade, the attraction has been building for months, could he seriously be "done" with me in less than 2 weeks?!

Is no contact the answer? Just go back to being friends? I don't understand what to do, here. I get randomly flaky guys that I've just met, but in most ways I've been closer emotionally to this guy than to my ex-husband. And we've had so many intense conversations about his life, his feelings, hopes, dreams. Just a really profound friendship that really has been mutual and reciprocal.

So, wth? I guess I at least want to salvage our friendship out of this, can I still do this with no contact? I just don't get it, he pursued me, and he KNOWS me, and I know him, how does this happen?; May 17, 2013 at 3:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I've got a question: When your letting the man do the initating and he's taking a while and then you're doing the mirroring for the exact same time say for example 5 days later, therefore, taking your time to get back to him too. How do you know that the man will will get the message that he has to put the work and step it up, I mean could he just think, oh well it's taking her a while to get back to me too maybe it's cool and ok to carry on communicating like this.

Many thanks; May 18, 2013 at 10:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 18, 10:33 AM,
"I mean could he just think, oh well it's taking her a while to get back to me too maybe it's cool and ok to carry on communicating like this."

Yep, that's a very real possibility. And there's nothing wrong with that pace dear - that's why it's called "casually dating" and there's nothing wrong with that. When a woman expects more than that or expects an immediate relationship two weeks into dating or immediately after sex - that's a problem. Expectations can become a problem dear.

So rather than place expectations on the man and expect him to act a certain way, call or communicate a certain way and do everything the way YOU see fit - the much healthier process is to let things happen naturally, without expectations.

If the man doesn't pick up the pace after about two or three months of casually dating, then chances are he never will. In which case, the woman has her answer and is free to move on.

If the man is genuinely interested in a relationship, then he will eventually begin behaving as if he's in a relationship. He will pick up the pace of communication, he will want to dominate the woman's time and he will want more in general.; May 18, 2013 at 11:18 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror it's @Anonymous May 18, 10:33 AM, here, thank you very much for your response it makes sense.

Just to add to the equation, the man I'm dealing with is a sucessful business type and I've got a sneaking suspicion that he may be using the law of scarcity on me - subconsciously or consciously, however, I'm using it back on him now. So it feels a little like a power struggle and if we are both doing this then how's it going to develop? There's no way I'm comprising my self worth, so I will continue with the mirroring.

So in your last para to me
'If the man is genuinely interested in a relationship, then he will eventually begin behaving as if he's in a relationship. He will pick up the pace of communication, he will want to dominate the woman's time and he will want more in general.' - then if he's trying this mans law of scarcity thing - which I think is rooted in control then how can it be that he gives this up. I think he wants me but it is in conflict with the control thing.

Is it a matter of me sensitising him to my behaviour of holding back, hmmm does feel like a power struggle but I know he does like me as he always comes back and I think gotcha, but then he's pulling back again.

Thank you; May 18, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Anonymous said...: forgot to add
@Anonymous May 18, 10:33 AM,

P.S We are around the 2 month period, so I'm coming to time period your saying is pivotal, when I man might pick up pace.; May 18, 2013 at 11:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 18, 10:33 AM,
"which I think is rooted in control then how can it be that he gives this up."

Well, you're assuming that he WILL give it up. If he's a man with control issues, that's not going to happen. As a result, he may need a woman that is WILLING to permit herself to be controlled. And if that doesn't sound like you - then this will not result in a compatible match.

"So it feels a little like a power struggle and if we are both doing this then how's it going to develop?"

If he a control freak, then it's going to result in a stalemate. And this is EXACTLY how you filter a man to determine who he truly is and to determine his level of interest.

A controlling man is not a man that will make any woman happy. So what this man is showing you is that, "it's got to be his way or the highway." And you need to then consider - is that REALLY what you want?

There are no guarantees in life dear and if this man proves himself a control freak, then this process will have worked for you and you will have saved yourself a lot of grief over a man that never would've made for a good mate anyway.; May 18, 2013 at 11:57 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi @Anonymous May 18, 10:33 AM again,

I agree but there's no way I'm going to be controlled, not anymore and if he is a control freak and needs to be in control more than potentially having a happy relationship then it's not going to be with me and like you say it could end up in 'stalemate', as you say time will tell.

By stalemate do you mean that he will cease contacting me and dissappear for good?

I don't know part of me thinks that he maybe enjoying the tension as a natural part of the chase but if he turns out to be a control freak then it is likely that this man is going to end up on his own!

Thanks for reassuring me that I'm doing good on staying with the process/program. Even though it seems to be this tension/power struggle at the moment, it's making me feel stronger and I'm valuing myself much more which is brill and not panicking that I'm going to lose him.

We will see what he's made of and like you say if nothing I will have saved myself from anymore heartache and will be a woman of substance. Correction I am a woman of substance.

Lots of love for your work Mirror; May 18, 2013 at 12:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror and Vivian, AnonWoman here

Sorry for the late reply but I have moved house and only just got back online.

I messed up putting my heart on my sleeve a bit (although I did not ask him back out as a boyfriend or say I wanted him back) and yes I listened to the psychic. But that psychic is often right, it was the dating coach who mucked it up for me (my fault believing her) because when he pulled back I charged right in. We all know that's wrong.

So Mirror, you say our freewill can make things change - so if a psychic predicts something, and I don't do anything, HIS freewill can change things I guess too?

Have you ever had a psychic get anything to do with love and marriage right?

Anyway, update, I met up with the Aries ex in question last night. For four hours. Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions.

At first it was cool, then friendly and he was moving closer in to sit near me and listening to my success story with my career. Then we got kicked out the bar because we were in a reserved seating area. So then we went for a walk and ended up someplace way too posh (he is saving money right now).

I got to the rooftop terrace and suddenly felt a bad energy. The place was too cool and the music I didn't like. We sat outside but I was cold so we went inside and sat near a lecherous married older man leering over a younger slutty woman which didn't help the atmosphere.

Anyway, then he closed down on me. He said it seemed like we were talking through our issues now to try and work it out and that's not what he wants and he wondered why he was there.

I said it was just to make peace. And because we get on. He agreed we do.

He told me he didn't like the way I'd spoken to him near the end and that he didn't deserve it. I apologised and said I recognised that aspect was something I got from my stepmom and that I had worked on it.

We left and then outside I ask him if we can 'hug it out' and we did and it lasted forever and felt so good. It lasted like two minutes.

Then he looked at me and said he would let me in. He said: I'm thinking, don't you dare do that to Kerry. Do you understand?

I did. He was meaning, that he enjoys the physical side with me so much, but that he doesn't want a relationship. I said I didn't know what I wanted. But I knew I wanted a kiss again.

Then we both say neither of us are sleeping around and then we end up kissing and it's so lovely to be kissing him again for the first time since July 2012. A long time.

We are kissing and it's great then there is this silly thing I do and tickle his belly as he is the most ticklish person ever and I wanted to make him laugh and me laugh with it, but as it meant lifting his shirt, he stopped me.

He said that he can not give me what I want later on.

He told me that there are people that are forever and ones that you want to be great under the sheets with, and that I am in the latter category.

That cut.

When he started out, he had wanted me as a girlfriend, then wanted to marry me, but then he said the love faded and it was just all about the wonderful sex.

He told me that being with me was the best time of his life, no question. He told me he misses me too. (He is very honest, so I believed him, as he said nice stuff and mixed it with negative stuff - he just says it as it is).

We left and then I called him back over. He said if I need to be angry and shout at him to get it off my chest I should do it. I didn't feel like it. I was (inside) upset he had said that thing about under the sheets, and told him I didn't feel that way and didn't feel he was worth it. But then I had my questions and wanted to keep talking.

We then talked about it and I asked loads of questions that finally I had chance to ask.

Continued...; May 18, 2013 at 3:38 PM
Anonymous said...: 3 of 3.

I said it all matter of factly with no anger or rudeness to demonstrate through my actions I have changed now I recognise I was being like my stepmom.

I said that he should recognise that judging me on that time period alone, due to my not working, is not the real me inside so to speak.

He wrote back saying he will reflect on what I've said over the weekend and respond.

What do you make of all that?

@AnonWoman; May 18, 2013 at 3:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Part of me thinks the horse is dead get off.

Other part thinks see what he says now I've written the message. See if it unfolds differently.

Other part thinks, see what he says, then leave it. We have reconnected and he still fancies me and now I've explained and tried to help him he may miss me enough to move it into action now we have reconnected, if I give him space.

Because he did tell me he was happy he met me, the way he met me, and that I've been good for him as he has grown. And indeed he has as since our last contact in November, he has been saving every month to put down a deposit on a mortgage to buy a home for the very first time in December 2013.

@AnonWoman; May 18, 2013 at 3:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Me again (AnonWoman)

I also said this stable girl he is looking for, well, if she ever had four deaths losing her parents and other close members of her family, let's see how stable she is then! And so that because of my adversity, given what I've achieved moving to a strange city, that in actual fact, I'm incredibly stable and grounded.

(I just need to work on that stepmom influence, which I've done now).

@AnonWoman; May 18, 2013 at 4:02 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous May 18, 10:33 AM

Mirrror´s answer is spot on, as usual. I had experience with a controlling man and it indeed ended in a stalemate.

I personally don´t think he will cease contacting you. My view is that if he is really a control freak and doesn´t succeed in controlling you in a visibly domineering way, he will retort to subtle, manipulative ways. It happened in my case, then I was on an emotional roller coaster and in the end I avoided contact with him. I didn´t allow him to control me and he didn´t know how to "tame" me, so it resulted in a stalemate.; May 18, 2013 at 5:17 PM
Anonymous said...: 2 of 3.

He told me it was the best sex of his life too. He said he was so happy with me but that we became incompatible. I talked that through and said that communication is key and he agreed and that he should have told me he didn't like this or that about me. The things he didn't like (the way I spoke to him - basically I wanted to cut him off many times and gave it to him with a double barreled shotgun verbally as I thought 'that's it for good', then I would change my mind and still communicate).

So, that aspect is changeable in me. I've already changed it actually now I've recognised it and put myself in his shoes.

He said he had thought long and hard whether we could work it out (he is inexperienced in long term relationships - mine was his longest). I said he hadn't worked at it and he had blown it and did he realise that. He confessed that he had told himself many times that he had blown it.

He said he still thinks about the great times we had but that our issues are 'insurmountable'.

He said after meeting me again last night that in two weeks I may contact him (like before) with either verbal abuse or a loving email. I knew I wouldn't and that I had changed though.

Anyway he said he would walk me to the subway and he did and we said goodbye and I said goodbye? He said well not goodbye I am sure we will still be in touch again so more bye or au revoir.

Anyway, told I sent an email that was very balanced. I stuck up for myself. I said I was not unstable it's just that he had been going out with me and judged me on his time with me when I wasn't working. And my work is very important to me. I only do the type of work that I'm passionate about and have taking a winding freelance road, that has been filled with lots of exciting work in the media, to get to a place where I am now in an exciting permanent job (that I got one month ago) and now I'm 'flying high' as he called it. I explained that it may seem there was madness but that there was always an end goal and method in my madness.

I said I know the importance of stability and routine, but that I had to have an unstable career and a few months of not working (when I was with him) to get to where I am now, one down from the Board in an amazing job, and that along the winding road I was picking up those necessary contacts and skills that got me to where I am today.

I said some people live in boring jobs with a routine and stability but are unhappy for life. I didn't want that. He will resonate with that as he is not that much into his job.

I then told him he has the mental and physical capacity to be succeeding more than he is, it's just that his parents always praised how wonderful he was all the time even when he knew that he had not worked hard or excelled, so he hasn't pushed himself and that I thought as there had been no critiscism from a good place, it's holding him back from living the life he desires where hard work when you have a goal and passion, can give you a happy career, like mine, where it doesn't even feel like work, it's an art form that you just love. That's the best. I said if he can do focus and do the hard work, and not let his childhood hold him back now he has recognised it, that he can achieve the life he desires in his career and will be blessed in his love and family life too.

I also told that whilst I may have also seemed unstable because of work, that what I have achieved it actually amazing given the adversity I have been through. I had four deaths in my family (including both parents) within four years of each other and have had no family support since 2007 because of these deaths, as well as changing career straight after, which is a major thing. My high level mentor told me he was in awe of what I'd achieved once he had found out the adversity I'd been through. I have only just really made it now to be able to be more authoritative on what i preach though once again, given the one year major dip.

Continued...; May 18, 2013 at 6:45 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Mltn,
I had a similar experience w/Virgo. We met at a work conference, stayed long-distance friends for 7 yrs. We became the best of friends, shared so much, had a strong friendship, turned to each other for advice in all areas of our lives, etc.

Virgo continually asked me to go out to see him, spent a lot of time convincing me that a ldr could work, and when I finally did go to visit him, the first visit was nice.

The 2nd visit was a disaster -- he showed his true colors: he was a very insecure man. And he acted on his insecurity in many ways.

We went up and down for about 2 yrs and 7 visits in all (me there, him here), and I've finally, just this month, put myself first and closed that door.

I think most women might agree that we see a relationship as a natural step from a friendship, and are very comfortable with it.

But for an insecure man, he is not counting on the friendship being a strong foundation to the relationship. All he knows is that now he has a relationship and his insecurities begin to dictate his behavior.

You might say your guy is not insecure because of this or that, and I NEVER thought Virgo was either because he was a leader at work, a leader in the military, looked like he was successful at life, etc. but in the relationship arena, Virgo was/is totally inept and insecure.

And to cover up his insecurities, he treated me poorly.

My advice to you dear, is to sit back and watch. Don't try to fix it. Don't try to fix your friendship, or fix whatever issue he is having. Just sit back, keep living your life, and see what he does. And then act appropriately keeping yourself as the priority.

I'm sorry this has happened to your friendship. I know how you are feeling and it's sad :(

Take care of yourself first.; May 18, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi May 18, 2013 at 5:17 PM and Mirror

Thanks for your post. How did that stalemate present itself in your relationship - how did it end?

Fear is rooted in control and people who try to control others do it because of their fears and sometimes people have many fears about getting into relationships due to their past and it can sabotage their present and future. So even when people think on some level that they ultimately want a relationship if their fears are not dealt with then it causes conflict between wanting a relationship but not and this can play out in controlling others. When really the person needs to get in control internally - of their fears and emotions, rather than externally trying to control the other person. I think this can result in a stalemate of sorts and it's what could be going on with this guy I'm dealing with I feel and not sure about your situ?

I think with this guy, he is using subtle ways of trying to manipulate me with regard to our pattern of communication (I used to initiate a lot but it's all stopped now). I wonder that he is trying to gain/keep the upper hand by withholding and trying to get me to cave in but it's not happening and it's ending up with him having to contact me. He is very intelligent so sooner or later he is going to have to realise that I'm not budging as I'm protecting my self worth.

I have a feeling also that he's testing me majorly and because my behaviour now is relatively new, I think subconsciously or consciously he has seen my old patterns and used to me behaving in that way so I think he is trying to push that boundary to see if I will revert to them and test my strength. Of course I don't think he's sat there analysing it all haha but I think subconsciously its all playing out in our interactions.

@Anonymous May 18, 10:33 AM; May 19, 2013 at 5:44 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous May 18, 10:33 AM
You ask how that stalement presented itself and how the relationship ended. Very simply. Like I wrote, after some time I realised that the relationship wasn´t developing, on the contrary. So I put my foot and didn´t react the ways I felt he manipulated me into. In return, he became more and more disrespectful in order to have an upper hand and I felt bad about everything. I understood it was useless to discuss that with him, because I had tried before to no avail. Since I was exhausted from all of this, I distanced myself from him, refused his invitations and finally din´t take his calls at all. We didn´t close the realtionship in any way, but I am determined not to give him another chance to manipulate me. That´s all. No quarrels, no analysing, nothing. Because I don´t think I would ever be happy with him and I am fed up with his manipulative ways. On the whole, the main reason of me going silent was emotional exhaustion.; May 19, 2013 at 11:26 AM
Anonymous said...: May 19, 2013 at 11:26 AM

I'm sorry you had that experience it does sound exhausting but good that you had the strength to break away and I hope you have found strength in that I find someone who you deserve

@Anonymous May 18, 10:33 AM; May 20, 2013 at 9:21 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms Mirror,
Question for u pls: my last texting w/Scorpio was Sat 5/11 where I made it very clear, and he accepted it, that fwb was not for me.

Scorpio tried at first to convince me. I told him I respected his choices for his life, that I felt our slate was clean due to my messing us up 1st time and his messing us up 2nd.

He said "no problem, let me know if u change ur mind.". I assured him I wouldn't.

I've been thinking about it off and on, mostly when I get lonely, but then feel this is a test for me to truly respect myself and prove it.

I have been gaining peace and solace via the result of my yard work and just being at peace with being me.

Well, last nite I was watching Trace Adkins on Celeb Apprentice sing Love Will and just thinking about Scorpio and guess who texts me? Yep, Scorpio> hey u just thinking about u.

I responded >me too xo.

Last Sat I opened the door for him when he was asking to get together by saying> Are u asking me out?

Scorpio responded > I m asking u to bed.

I declined, and explained fun in all aspects of life is target.

What do you think of his text last nite? And his texts since March? Is his staying in contact because he is thinking or just tapping to c if I m still there?

I don't want to ask him the question. (I could, but learning his interest by watching his behavior is more important for me right now.)

Thx; May 20, 2013 at 9:53 AM
KK said...: Hey ladies! Just need to vent a little. The week since my last post has been pretty good, I'm choosing to mirror Mr. Pisces right now and give him a taste of his own medicine, NC could easily come into play. For me though right now, this is a step in the right direction and easier in a sense, If I can handle 2 weeks, i'm sure I can handle 3 or 4. Baby steps.
Social media (Facebook) plays a big part in this. I did some 'updating' and 'liking' last week, but not too much of course and noticed 4 days later Pisces mirrored me to a tee. What's up with that? I've also been 'online' more (via chat) and I rarely ever do that. He's been online as well, almost every time I am, no communication between us though. I do my own thing, he does his. And then poof! I'm gone.
However this weekend I had unblocked a girl he seems/or seemed to be involved with after things really went downhill in March, heard it from a mutual friend, felt it in my gut and he made it obvious(leaving comments or likes on her photos - which are disgusting actually - half naked or prancing around in lingerie and posting that on a public forum, Ew!) Excuse my language here but she's an attention whore, changes her 'status' or pictures every hour. Puts herself on 'display' and has numerous men chasing her, in the wrong way. It's apparent she has no respect for herself and that kind of 'attraction' certainly can't last long. She's 38 (shouldn't a woman her age have some class by now?)I'm 13 years younger and I don't act like that, geez. How embarrassing.
While she was blocked I felt better. Out of sight, out of mind. I only unblocked her because I was curious, then my insecurities surfaced. The dates/times he gives her any attention seem to coincide with when he isn't getting anything from me (communication, attention, etc) March 27th- after things got really bad between us and the most recent being May 4th, from what I can see.
Good thing I'm pulling back already, because when I saw these things my heart began pounding and I would've reacted and fired off a text if I didn't learn what I have in the past month. Phew! She will be 're-blocked' today, FB has a 48 hr rule. My guard/wall is definitely back up.
On another note, a picture of me and another man surfaced from 7 months ago, (before I met Pisces) so I posted that, he was fun and the picture shows us laughing and being silly and 'pretending' to kiss, and I look awfully happy, it's nice to look at. The kicker is, on the night I met Pisces, this guy came over to our table to say hello to me, now 5 months later this picture 'pops up'. To me, that's Karma kicking Pisces in the teeth. Yes I'm a bitch LOL

'One man's trash is another man's treasure'; May 20, 2013 at 1:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
I think he's thinking about you. Two things could be occurring:

1) He's tossing things around in his head. He may be contemplating the idea of dating you.

2) He may be manipulating you. Meaning, he may not have changed his mind...but he's staying on your radar and hoping YOU change yours.

And given his little game with the "who is this" text response, my guess would be that it's door number two here. And that he's hoping to coax you into going along with a fwb situation.

However, if you stand your ground here, in the end, it may be HIM that changes his mind about YOU - given a newfound respect he may develop for you by seeing you stand firm, react non-emotionally and respecting yourself :-); May 20, 2013 at 1:19 PM
Anonymous said...: hi Mirror,

May I have your advice please?

My ex phoned me on Sunday night, further to the text I sent him.

He doesn't want to try again and he got the feeling I did after my texts and my goodbye email before we met - not that I even asked him back romantically. He is acting 'above me'. He said that

I just wanted to discuss the issues, say how good the past was, say goodbye and see him to see if there was anything still there and maybe plant the seed for the future.

He is still in a similar place and not ready to realise his loss and consequence of his actions.

Anyway on the phone last night, given last Friday he had offered to meet me in two weeks, but then on Saturday further to my texts, Sunday night he has changed his mind and he says it is too soon and he doesn't want to try again. I said I didn't want a relationship with him. This is the truth as I don't whilst he is being like this, but yes, I did hope in the future maybe after discussing issues I would have seen if he came to the mark.

He said he doesn't discount seeing me in the future but that two weeks is too soon. He repeated we could meet again.

Anyway, I'm come to the conclusion I don't want to meet him in a few weeks. That he is slightly depressed, narcissistic, sociopath - I dunno really, certainly there are depressed elements (perhaps manic depressive), but he ain't right at the moment.

So I want to tell him Im finally done with him.

It's either that or leave it till he contacts me. Part of me wants to get it over and done with for good now and tell him I am interested in nothing that he gives me at the moment, that I don't want to meet him the way he is now. (before he realises what he lost and that his number one fan is gone). He is probably only meeting me because a) he thinks I am lovely b) he says I am smoking hot c) He had the best time of his life with me d) it boosts his ego e) he wants to hear me tell him how great his ass is, or how wonderful he was in bed or how he looks handsome.

Well, No, I've felt so shit this weekend over it, I genuinely don't even like him as he is anymore.

Do I tell him or do I just ignore him.

I will find it difficult to do the latter as he rarely ignores me.

I would rather tell him and walk away for good and get it over and done with. This time, he made me feel so up and then down, it's like everything else in life is nice, so I don't want to be psychologically intwined with him anymore, now he no longer a giving loving boyfriend. This weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back.

He is very rigid but I would imagine in the future if there is no contact, and I show him I've walked away and left him as a contact totally, this will have some positive effect on him and for me too.

How would you tell someone, what would you write?

Thanks for all your continued work with us women.
@AnonWoman; May 20, 2013 at 2:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Gosh Gemini I hope it is option 1 for you and like Mirror said - stand your ground honey because there could be a massive turnaround and he could start to value you and recognise your self -worth because you are recognising it yourself now and owning it - good luck Girlfriend!; May 20, 2013 at 3:52 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I said Manic depressive/narcissist, but I also now think possibly he may be a sociopath. I can not be sure of any of them and have no formal diagnosis at this stage but I am doing online research on all three.

Best,
Anonwoman; May 20, 2013 at 4:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AnonWoman,
Honey, at this point I'm leary to continue to take the time to advise you because with all of the advice I've provided in the past - you've chosen not to follow a great deal of it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you chose to listen to follow the advice of your therapist friend instead (whose advice already once failed you), as well as a psychic? I'm not trying to be a smart alec here, but I just want you to realize that I take the time to craft carefully worded responses with the best sound advice I can give an if one freely chooses to repeatedly not follow it - then I'm wasting my time, ya' know?

Like this:

"I just wanted to discuss the issues, say how good the past was, say goodbye and see him to see if there was anything still there and maybe plant the seed for the future."

That's TMI - too much information, too much sharing of emotions and feelings and too much communication dear. I would not advise that a woman initiate that with a man.

And this:

"but then on Saturday further to my texts, Sunday night he has changed his mind and he says it is too soon and he doesn't want to try again."

You should not be initiating communication with him of any form because how is he supposed to realize the error of his ways when you are initiating communication with him and keeping yourself on his radar? One can only miss you - if you're gone.

"maybe after discussing issues I would have seen if he came to the mark."

Discussing issues is NOT going to take place until HE initiates the discussion (not you). Which is why I advise no contact, so he can miss you, think about you - and then make attempts to "talk" to you himself.

If you're initiating these discussions, then you're trying to control the situation and that will never work unless BOTH individuals WANT to work it out and are READY.

"So I want to tell him Im finally done with him."

There is absolutely no need to do this. You don't need to talk to someone - to tell them you don't want to talk to them anymore. Instead, you simply leave things be and move on.

"Do I tell him or do I just ignore him."

Please make beneficial use of no contact:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

"I will find it difficult to do the latter as he rarely ignores me."

Then he's NEVER going to miss you because he'll never think you're really gone for good if you continue to make yourself available to him.

"I would rather tell him and walk away for good and get it over and done with."

If you've already made up your mind dear, then why come here asking for advice?

"I don't want to be psychologically intertwined with him anymore"

The only way that's going to happen is if you remove him from your life - which you refuse to do. You can't say, "I want to tell him Im finally done with him" and then turn around and say "I will find it difficult to do the latter as he rarely ignores me."

On one hand you're stating that you're going to tell him your done with him - but in the next breath, you state that you cannot ignore him. Which is it dear?

"How would you tell someone, what would you write?"

I wouldn't tell someone and I wouldn't write them.

There is no need to communicate that - you no longer want to communicate. Particularly when the individual you want to make this statement to - is making no attempts to communicate with you in the first place.; May 20, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Anonymous said...: I really like this website a lot. Thanks for writing these blogs @mirror of aphrodite. Its so nice to be able to come here, read ,speak to others and get advice. i find it helps me and is comforting. Stay strong ladies xxxx; May 20, 2013 at 5:28 PM
KK said...: Gemini, I agree with Mirror's response to you and I too hope it's option 1. But.. 'Scorpio responded > Im asking u to bed.' - Not to discourage you or anything but I probably wouldn't have responded to that at all or continued to text with him after he said that. Just my two cents.
Still, I think you did really good by standing your ground. Keep doing what you're doing though! Do not give up or give in.
I'd actually like to give you a new nickname if that's ok - Gem - cause that's what you are! Good luck!; May 20, 2013 at 7:12 PM
chk61 said...: @Mirror of A - response to AnonWoman. Thank you for this. So succinct, to the point and SOOO true. I was feeling tempted to pursue my D.M. (disappearing man) yet again but I realize it's a losing battle. He has responded to my advances but it is just ridiculous for me to continue to pursue. As difficult as it is, I must now lay back and see what he does.

If he does not contact me, then I have my answer. He knows where to find me. I will deal with my desires, as difficult as it may seem. This last post to AnonWoman really hit the nail on the head - thank YOU!!!; May 20, 2013 at 8:18 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror, Anonymous and KK,

Thanks ladies. Time will tell. I will not go back to a fwb relationship w/Scorpio. And I have been very, very clear to him with my choice in a respectful, non-emotional manner -- without judging him for his choices, and standing strong in my choice.

Thus my confusion for why he is still contacting me. Unless practicing NC, as advised by Ms. Mirror's NC article, is making the impact she predicts: The woman becomes an equal and respected. And the man begins to expect more of and from himself.

I understand the negative feedback re: Scorpio's comment about asking me to bed. Although I was disappointed Scorpio didn't take the suggestion to ask me out, taking me to bed was something we've done and enjoyed prior, so I didn't take it as rude or disrespectful.

I took it as honesty, and he was asking, not demanding or demeaning towards me. If things were different, if we were in an active relationship, the "asking," would have been very HOT! It sounded regal. And honesty is so very rare from people these days, it is so very attractive to me as long as the intentions are not harmful to others.

So, as long as I stand strong with myself, not abandon myself, and continue to be honest with myself and others, then honesty + honesty may not get the results we hope for, the results will be honest and real.

I'll keep you posted (if anything more occurs). And I will continue to keep taking care of myself first ;)

@KK, Gem is sweet. I think we ALL are gems!!; May 20, 2013 at 9:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear May 20, 2013 at 2:48 PM,

Just a thought, I think by trying to talk/discuss things with him, you would be giving him a reaction which also equates to giving him energy and attention.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm picking up that you're angry and that is ok and natural to have those feelings but what you are probably trying to do here is vent that anger. Ask yourself deep down under that anger is the truth really that you would still want to be with him - if he turned around and sorted himself out? As with the discussion/talk you are asking about, it could be your subconscious way of attempting to control the (and I mean this in the best possible way) situation as maybe deep down you think that the talk may change his mind. You know the truth in your heart. I think if you really didn't want to be with him you wouldn't have the need to talk/discuss with him.

Be honest with yourself and if it was me and I did think that I would like to be with this person - if he could sort himself out etc, then I would distance myself from him and consider doing the no contact and then see how that pans out.

That is just my gut speaking, obviously you are you own best expert, so get in touch with yourself and act accordingly.

Bestest of luck

Sugar plum; May 21, 2013 at 12:58 AM
scorned girl said...: Hey there update from me.

I have to add that we made that connection (attraction) the day right after he broke up with his girlfriend. Then he turned his attention to me. He was all flirty and said he likes me. It was like this for two months or so and then I heard nothing from him. Later on, he revealed to me that he was chasing another girl the entire time. He never said he didn't like me though when he rejected me. Was it because he wanted to leave a door open for him to come back into my life?

Now, it seems that he'd gotten over her due to his posts on facebook. He tried to contact me but I'm not waiting by the phone anymore. He says he wants to meet me. He keeps on complementing me and becomes all "hot" towards me again. I put him on hold about meeting and ended the conversation early because this time, I don't want him to have all the power. I didn't flirt with him either.

The thing is, now, I'm not so sure if I mistook him as doing this on purpose. He is nice and he did apologize once for blowing me off. Ah, how soft-hearted we are.

The difficult thing is how to avoid chasing after him by talking about meeting up. Should I mention it again only if he asks again? Everytime I try to follow through, he is distant again.

Thanks for your advice!; May 21, 2013 at 4:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorned Girl,
"The difficult thing is how to avoid chasing after him by talking about meeting up. Should I mention it again only if he asks again? Everytime I try to follow through, he is distant again."

You shouldn't mention it at all dear. If he is genuinely interested in meeting with you, he will pursue that and attempt to make it happen. You don't need to do anything. And if you do, you see the result it yields - he becomes distant when you pursue him and advance (takes you for granted).

This is how you filter a man dear. This is how you FIND OUT if his intentions are genuine or not. You observe his behavior.

Because the reality here is this - if you advance on him and make yourself available to him, you could be walking right into a repeat of your last experience with him. You may find that he uses you (I'm sorry) - when he's in between "pursuit" of another woman. Get what I'm throwing down here?

Keyword - "pursuit."

"Later on, he revealed to me that he was chasing another girl the entire time."

It's clear he enjoys a challenge - and it's clear that he pursues because he was "pursuing" (chasing) another woman - while you were making yourself "available" to him.

See what I mean?

He had two options - one was "available" to him and required very little work while one was not available to him, but rather was a challenge, and required some work to obtain.

And which situation drew his energy, focus and attention?

The challenge - the challenge kicked him into pursuit.

If you make yourself available to him for this meeting - you remove the challenge. Therefore, my suggestion would be to NOT offer yourself up for this meeting until/unless HE REQUESTS IT AGAIN.

He needs to feel that this meeting is something he needs to work at obtaining from you. If he doesn't have to work for it a bit and it just easily falls into his lap (you suggest it), then once he receives it, he'll lose interest quickly again.

It's human nature to appreciate things you have to work to obtain - people place a higher "value" on them. Things that you don't have to work to obtain, are deemed lower value and - are easily taken for granted. (The Law of Scarcity)

And his behavior has already shown you all of this.

If you like him and you think you want to be with him - then your best shot at that is to become the challenge dear.; May 21, 2013 at 7:44 AM
Lady Leo said...: Hello everyone,

I'm still here reading all of your posts and giving much thanks for having found my value and EMBRACING it!!I am so grateful to have no desire to reach out to the man who cared so little for me or my feelings. Very grateful!

Here is a nice story for ya all: Been chatting with an Aquarius for last 2 weeks. Phone and text. He is the recovering alcoholic of whom we have mutual friends. A totally nice and sweet man. He hsaa asked me out several times but I've declined due to heavy work schedule. I do want to meet him but life is busy at the moment. Well, today I am having some outpatient cancer surgery (skin cancer) and he has offered to play Florence Nightengale to me. Wants to bring me chocolate, coffee and even waffles! LOL Isn't that funny? I cannot imagine having our first *date* in my home, under the influence of Xanax and Tylenol #3. Sleeping and slobbering....should make for a GREAT date! But, it was just nice that he was serious about his offer.

When I turned him down on the home health care visit, he seemed bummed. But understood. Seeing how we know many of the same people and I know *of* him, I'd be ok with having him come over, but not when I'm medicated...and my house is a mess. So, just thought it was a sweet story.

I still think of the vanisher...often. But not obsessively and certainly not with any desire to contact him. God did for me what I should;ve done for myself and took me away from a man who didn't deserve me.

Keep on trucking, gals. You're all so amazing!!!
xo; May 21, 2013 at 11:10 AM
Mltn said...: Follow-up question. I "disappeared" on my friend/co-worker after he went from relentless pursuit to panicked retreat and disappearance. Now he's been trying to contact me, including emails, calls and texts. However, the content of all this is of a "friends" or very innocuous/random nature. Weather, what's on TV, etc. Yesterday was something about work not being the same without me around. But none of it is explicitly of the "I want to be with you romantically" in nature.

I think he might be just trying to break off the intimate/romantic relationship without, you know, actually breaking it off. Just go right back to being friends without telling me that that is what he is doing.

I'm emotionally invested now and while we may be friends again some day, I can't be around him like that now.

Would you suggest I continue to do no contact until/unless I get some communication from him that is unequivocally romantic in nature?; May 21, 2013 at 11:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn,
"Would you suggest I continue to do no contact until/unless I get some communication from him that is unequivocally romantic in nature?"

Naturally, the ultimate decision is up to you. However - it also depends on the outcome you're shooting for here.

If you want to just be friends and that's what he's offering, then go ahead and be friends.

However, if you do not feel that you can accept friendship alone as it may bring you more pain, then I'd suggest sticking with the 30 days of no contact (no response) and thinking of YOURSELF and your own HAPPINESS here.

HE disappeared on YOU once already first. As a result, what's fair is fair; what's good for the goose is good for the gander. You're free to stay gone - he has released you.

Make the decision that's best for YOURSELF here. But if you want to see if he's going to miss you and step up to the plate - you're not going to receive that answer until you're actually GONE (no contact, no response) - and you get to observe his behavior afterwards.; May 21, 2013 at 1:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
@AnonWoman here

Honey, at this point I'm leary to continue to take the time to advise you because with all of the advice I've provided in the past - you've chosen not to follow a great deal of it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you chose to listen to follow the advice of your therapist friend instead (whose advice already once failed you), as well as a psychic? I'm not trying to be a smart alec here, but I just want you to realize that I take the time to craft carefully worded responses with the best sound advice I can give an if one freely chooses to repeatedly not follow it - then I'm wasting my time, ya' know?"

That's totally a fair point. In all honesty I wish i had found your site in March 2012, before the damage commenced.

Yes the psychotherapist friend (and she really is just a mate, it is not a client relationship - maybe that's why I should not have taken her advice as she does not know my case fully, because it is discussed now and again as friends), and the psychic (this good one) is totally in agreement with all your advice, it is the same. You may be getting confused with the depression coach I hired who then went all weird on our professional relationship and turned psychic on me pulling out tarot cards that sent me into disarray.

That aside, I've read most of your articles and read many comments on your posts. I clearly view your site and advice as a safe haven for women, that's why I keep coming back. It feels good to hear your words of wisdom because you are the only person who gives grounded advice. I realise that even more now. Whatever you advise, I feel totally 100% comfortable with. All the others, I'm like: "Really?". So I feel moving forward I am just going to listen to you and myself (and talk to the other cool girls in this community). I've learnt this through experience.

Rest assured your words and carefully crafted words have not been in vain to me, as I have certainly followed a lot of your advice, had I found it in March 2012 I would have followed you to the word, but I didn't find you till November 2012 I think it was. However that said, did follow your advice not to contact him, and for a whopping 4.5 months and during that time he kept teasing me viewing my linkedin profile and began to see the error of his ways, grew up, and missed me. (He told me this when we re-connected in April 2013).

Reading what you have to say, has brought me back to earth and simplifies things. This is good because its when I don't simplify things, my ex goes astray.

"That's TMI - too much information, too much sharing of emotions and feelings and too much communication dear. I would not advise that a woman initiate that with a man."

I totally agree with you. And if felt very uncomfortable/ungrounded/too nice/he didn't deserve ALL of it, just some.

Cont...; May 21, 2013 at 3:22 PM
Anonymous said...: continued (page 2)

To Mirror @AnonWoman here,

"You should not be initiating communication with him of any form because how is he supposed to realize the error of his ways when you are initiating communication with him and keeping yourself on his radar? One can only miss you - if you're gone."

Yep, thing is he says stuff to me that are so rigid and formed, that it takes me a few hours or days to internalise it. Then I realise, hang on, he has got me wrong and I want to tell him why so I initiated contact.

And I do believe he has me wrong because he and I were cool for the main before the mess from that coach I told you about came along.

"Discussing issues is NOT going to take place until HE initiates the discussion (not you)."

OK I will start "30 day NC" if he contacts me within that time. If he doesn't. Then perhaps just "NC"

"If you're initiating these discussions, then you're trying to control the situation and that will never work unless BOTH individuals WANT to work it out and are READY."

Yep, right now he doesn't want to talk about our past nor work it out by talking about it.

The problem is Mirror, given I've told him all my issues, and told him i took advice from the coach; this has now lowered me (as bonkers perhaps) in his vision on the ladder of my worth. He has more power because he has not told me what he learned. I didn't create the right environment for that as it was over email and in one of my replies when I told him about mine and then he responded, by then, I was "intense and full on again" like when we ended.

So when you say how is he going to work out the error of his ways? Well, at the moment, it has all been my confessions of MY error of MY ways. This is the problem. A big problem. He only gave me the top line that it was the best time of his life, I've helped him take life more seriously and grow up.

That's all I got.

SO whilst I told him he fucked up and he admits he did and knows he did. It is stalemate with me feeling lowering that him because I've spilled all I learned.

I told him before that I sad I hired the coach as it ruined he and I. However, I have CHANGED MY MIND BUT NOT TOLD HIM that I'm now GLAD now that I hired the weirdo coach. As she was an ex gf of a journalist who I used to work with, and he got me my old job backm as he and I were talking alot about my ex, so I was on the journalist's mind a lot once again, so that when work came up I got it. Getting that work, then led me to the great permanent job I have now. So my ex still thinks I just have sorrow and regret over it. Actually, it's worked out brilliantly for me, I've landed on my feet career wise (just need to sort the love life out one of these days).

Cont...; May 21, 2013 at 3:23 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued...page 3

To Mirror, @AnonWoman here

"There is absolutely no need to do this. You don't need to talk to someone - to tell them you don't want to talk to them anymore. Instead, you simply leave things be and move on."

OK - I have luckily not called him or texted since we spoke on Sunday night so I'm all up for space and not telling him I'm annoyed/upset or what not with him. At the moment, he thinks I'm cool with things. That's where I left it on Sunday night. Not sure that's a good thing. But, he will find out I am not cool with things when he contacts me again.

"I would rather tell him and walk away for good and get it over and done with."

If you've already made up your mind dear, then why come here asking for advice?

"I don't want to be psychologically intertwined with him anymore"

"The only way that's going to happen is if you remove him from your life - which you refuse to do."

The truth is I want him, but only if he is going to try at us two being a couple or dating again to rectify the past and move on with me if we get on well enough.

I decided today I don't want to adore him anymore because I don't like the way he no longer consistently treats me well, and I feel crap being in contact with him just because he is not willing to talk about issues or try again (just listen to me). I'm also pissed off he has put me in the 'best for sex' category and taken me out the 'best for forever' category into the sex one. He only felt like that for the last five weeks of our relationship, hardly very long and he still had great sex with me...he just became and arse and took, rather than gave, and so consequently fell out of love with me - no idea how. Well probably as I rolled over backwards for him and asked him to tickle my tummy like a puppy and he stopped trying and being masculine. Ugh. I cringe at being like that now. So not me as a rule looking at my other past relationships.; May 21, 2013 at 3:23 PM
Anonymous said...: ...continued....page 4

To Mirror, from @AnonWoman

So, this is where I am at now.

1) I am going into No Contact as from Monday 20th May so if he contacts me I will reply not before 19 June

2) When he is not loving me, or trying, as a boyfriend, I don't like the way he makes me feel.

3) From what I have told him in conversations and email and texts, he thinks I am cool with this on this day 21 May (as I have expressed in point 2, I am not now I've reflected on his and mine conversations)

4) He wants to meet up in the future (if he feels like it) but not within two weeks.

5) He thinks I am madly in love with him

6) I hate the way he is treating me, partly my own fault letting him get away with him pushing me down the ladder by accepting his bad behaviour by expressing my emotions to him (Thank God though I didn't say I loved him or wanted him back, but most of it was working it out and looking back; so I do have some dignity left).

So, I don't want him in my life the way it stands.

What should I write to him when he contacts me after NC and asks me out?

"Hi Bla Bla,
No thanks, I don't want to meet up. I've been thinking about us two and the way things are I'm not really into you anymore just because of the way you have treated me and spoken to me of late, it didn't make me feel good. I also don't like that you've put me in the 'best for sex' category - when I was only in it for a few weeks and it's not exactly a bad place to be (relationships go in circles anyway all the time), so I see it that you didn't try hard enough/stick it out/change the focus to something fun rather than insurmountable differences. You've allowed me to take lots of the blame too without saying much. I am now glad of Mike's ex getting involved because through that connection now I've a brilliant career. Forgiveness and easygoingness would be a normal response, for the little part that that played in it all. We are not trying to reconcile differences to be able to move on. I still think you have a lot of thinking to do. I did want you, but the way you are with me now, now I don't need you anymore. Sorry."

I feel like a message like that, gives him food for thought, action that I won't be meeting, time away from me with NC, and also, it's like me giving him the final rejection, which will give him food for thought and that's a good thing, letting him finally know 'enough is enough', and meaning it, so he can then see the error of HIS own ways, rather than just looking at mine.

Thanks Godsend that you are Mirror. It is much appreciated, from my heart and soul.

I know that goodbye message is long, but, well, I think it needs to be said because I want him to reflect more, realise he can't have me adoring him anymore and then see whether he changes his mind when he realises I have gone for good. If he doesn't, then at least I've not wasted an evening meeting him, getting ups and downs from it, to then think further about it in the future. No thanks.

Thank you again,
AnonWoman; May 21, 2013 at 3:41 PM
Sleepless in NYC said...: Mirror-

I've been dating a Taurus for about four months(he disappeared after about 8-9 dates and was gone for a month. Reappeared with no explanation although I found out his father was very ill during this time and subsequently passed away). Anyways I took awhile to respond to him and didn't initiate any conversations- he did and I eventually gave him a second chance. Fastforward to now- he hasn't disappeared so to speak but we are now in this period of constant texts with no in-person meeting. It's been a month since I last saw him! I don't always respond and he goes silent for a few days and then reinitates contact asking me why I didn't respond, etc.

We have been intimate and it seemed like we were headed to a relationship but now we are in "stagnant text mode." A couple of times when he texted, he said something sexual so I finally asked him if he this was a "booty call" to him and he denied it(not sure why I asked because do guys ever admit this? I guess I am supposed to deduce from his actions- I am probably blinded by my desire to be in a relationship with him!)

I've mentioned in the past that I've been going out on dates with another guy and he seemed very surprised and responded "oh really? who? Well then I'm dating too" (His profile is still on the online dating website and he logs on regularly so I assumed he was still seeing or talking to other women). Obviously, he hasn't asked to be exclusive!

He has said previously "we're getting to know each other." Well that would be fine with me but this one month of not seeing him makes me thing the "getting to know each other" explanation is some nonsense he is spewing to keep me around as a back-up.

Anyways I think I've stuck around long enough (4 months) to see if this is going to develop into anything more. He was very close to his dad and he is having a hard time coping with his death so I tend to make excuses for his actions.

I don't know how long I can keep this going. Should I just initiate NC and ignore his texts indefinitely? or do you think I should have a talk with him and move on? I don't want to come off as needy or desperate and talk about "feelings."; May 21, 2013 at 3:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Cont. Page 5

Mirror (AnonWoman here)

I didn't present any challenge for my Aries ex when we reconnected. My first email was just two lines and cool although I said I'd missed him. After that I have very much been talking growth and stuff as you know.

I wonder if I had been cool, been invited out by him, and just seen how it went and been a CHALLENGE, then he would have seen the error of his ways. However, as you know, I've accepted most of the blame from the past and told him all that (wrongly, I now realise as I am now less desirable on the desirability ladder).

All that said, I have been thinking, (as usual), if he had really missed me, when I wrote back, he'd have striked whilst the iron was hot, so perhaps it has made no difference. Yes, I overwhelmed him again like at the end,...(bad) but quickly turned it around to being more grounded and less full on after expressing my sorrow, but really? Would it really have stopped a man wanting to get his ex back who HE dumped if he really wanted her? I don't feel so....I don't feel so....; May 21, 2013 at 3:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sleepless In NYC,
"Should I just initiate NC and ignore his texts indefinitely? Or do you think I should have a talk with him and move on?"

Well, to simplify things, let's break it down into these two options:

1) NC
2) Move on

Cross a "talk" off the list for right now (that may or may not happen later).

If you choose option number one, then you save the "talk" for later (possibly). You can attempt NC and see if that kicks him into action. But you only respond if you see something along the lines of , "I'm sorry" or "Can we talk?" (You have to stay away long enough for him to mull things over and reach that stage on his own, nothing you do can speed this process up, it requires time to take effect.)

That way, HE initiates this talk, not YOU. And that's the only time a "talk" with a man is actually successful. Otherwise, men have a tendency to tune a woman out during a "talk" (they see it as nagging) when they are not ready for it or receptive to it (much like the teacher in the old Charlie Brown cartoons, "Wah, wah, wah. .)

When a woman initiates a talk, it tends to end up a disaster and the man "shifts blame." It tends to go something along the lines of this funny little scenario shared here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/07/what-is-nagging-and-shifting-blame.html

So no "talk" until HE'S ready for it and HE requests it.

If you choose option number two, the same still applies regarding the talk. You simply move on, no need to explain yourself, and begin casually dating again and if/when he wants an explanation - HE'LL ask for it - and that's when he'll be ready to truly "hear" it (not shift blame) as well.

And if he doesn't request a talk, then there's no need to waste your breath, your energy or your emotions because it'd just go in one ear and out the other anyway.

"Wah, wah, wah."

LOL ;-); May 21, 2013 at 5:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror! I had posted here awhile back but this is a new situation.
I met this guy online and we went out on three different dates, he was very constant, would text every morning and he would call me because he liked to talk better. well I felt like we were vibing really good, we both said we were taking things slow, we shared a lot about each other lives, we would talk a lot, sometimes time just seemed to fly and we had great conversations. the last time we talked on the phone was saturday night, he had texted me in the afternoon and we had agreed on friday on our third date, that we would see each other on saturday. well the whole day passed on saturday and didn't hear back from him till saturday night that i called and he apologized saying he got distracted and that his ex didn't pick up his daughters so he was focused and that is why he hadn't communicated. Well we had another great conversation, and it was late, so we hanged up.
sunday I didn't hear from him so I didn't think of anything, monday came and nothing either, texted him, no reply, called got voicemail and it's now tuesday and nothing.
I am kind of dumbfounded, I thought we were clicking and on the same page, he hadn't pushed for sex and we only kissed on our third date.
What should i do now? I know he has been on the site with met, but for like a second, it's just hard to believe that he would just stopped talking for no reason, when his actions definitely said he was interested.
I mean I know I will continue with my life and meeting people, but it sucks because I thought this man was different. he is 39, divorced, two kids, I am 36, one daughter.
Thanks for your advice in advance!!; May 21, 2013 at 5:53 PM
Sleepless In NYC said...: Thanks so much Mirror- Your advice is always spot-on. I will give it one last try with NC and see if that kicks him into action.

LOL @ wah, wah, wah. So true! Another great piece @ nagging and shifting blame.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. You rock(understatement)!; May 21, 2013 at 8:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi all, Hoopsgirl76 here, he broke today and sent me an email after 92 days of no contact. But he had a reason to, I live in Oklahoma and we've been all over the news of late. So I'm trying not to read too much into this. It was a 5 month long relationship, not my longest by a country mile, but my first in several years (for depression-related reasons) so his fading out hit me hard--really had me questioning my self-worth. He lives in NC, so it was long distance. He was also my first half-interested, emotionally unavailable man so it's been quite a learning experience. But it led me to Mirror's site and all you wonderful, strong ladies, so Im kinda glad it all happened. Anyway, here's what he said:

"Are you okay? You don't have to write back if you don't want." Signed, his name. Charming, huh? It came in about 9 hours ago, and I responded just now "Hi, xxxx Thanks for your concern. I'm thankful to say that family and friends are all okay and so am I. Hope you're doing well."

Mirror, ladies, what do you guys think -- was that response okay? Too many words? Shouldn't have thrown in the hope you're doing well?" Argh!; May 21, 2013 at 10:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, my ex "returned". I posted about it previously on April 30 I believe. I saw him once. He did apologize, I accepted but he did not ask to talk so we did not.
He continued to text me and then he disappeared again!
I gave him no encouragement though I was always polite. I suspect he concluded just that, that I was being polite but not interested.
Of course I was hoping he'd continue pursuit. We were No contact for the better part of a year after a very bad break up involving another woman. (He only reached out once and I ignored him because he said nothing I found deserving a response.)
Break up was typical nonsense situation where he claimed I was just jealous and crazy and then he went on to date her for a few months!
I realize he sounds like bad news and you will also likely say he wasn't interested enough to continue pursuit as I made things too hard for a insecure player like him who likes things easy.
I feel he simply had no one and now he does so he's switched his attention elsewhere. He is a flirt , if not a player and has a lot of women around him.
I was hoping for your comments as I am disappointed he has disappeared again. I really hoped he'd come back and not only say sorry but SHOW me he was sorry. I was very much in love with this man.
I imagine you will advise me to be done, as I have read your articles. Still, my question is ARE we done?
If I do come to hear through the grapevine that he has someone new, yes, I will make a firm decision to move on and not look back. Any gut feeling here? Thank you.; May 22, 2013 at 3:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 21, 5:53 PM,
"What should i do now?"

Nothing. There's nothing you can do to make a man like you or want to be with you.

You have to see if he pursues you. If he doesn't, then he wasn't genuinely interested and you move on.; May 22, 2013 at 9:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 22, 3:39 AM,
Ugh, I hate to say this dear, but I see players do this type of thing often. They'll "tap" the woman every so many months just to see if she's still there. Then, once they're reassured (insecure) that she is (still an option), they go on about their business.

I've actually seen players drag this "tapping" every so many months out for years, literally years, without ever asking for another date, apologizing or asking to talk.

I don't think it was your lack of encouragement that's the issue here. That's just you beating yourself up and taking this all on your shoulders, so don't do that. This man is who he is and nothing you do or would've done - is ever going to change that.

And let me tell you what would've happened HAD YOU ENCOURAGED HIM. He would've swooped in, charmed you, most likely invited himself over, slept with you. . .and then disappeared again anyway.

So you need to see the reality here instead of beating yourself up. And the reality is that he is who he is and you've just averted another potential painful situation with him. You've protected yourself from him using you.

And for that - you should be PROUD. You should not be second guessing yourself dear :-); May 22, 2013 at 9:43 AM
Anonymous said...: This is May 22 3:39 am-
Thank you mirror. I just wanted to say thank you and to point out that MOA is a stranger (a fellow light worker but still someone we do not know offline) and she takes the time to answer us, is nicer to us than the men we are inquiring about in some instances!
I will agree with what you responded mirror about some players tapping the woman here and there for years. I have an ex who has popped up every couple of years for over 10 years! I am not at all interested and he no longer has my phone number so this has stopped.
The ex I am asking about we had been in an on and off relationship for a few years. He knows me well and knows there is no way he'd just be able to just invite himself over, he's always had to date me a little before I slept with him and also recommit. Yeah, I can be proud of this but proud and lonely SUCKS.
I would have made it even harder on him being that the last break up was nasty and there was actually a third person involved.
I think though mirror's grasp of the situation is right on besides what would have happened HAD I encouraged him. And really that part is right too, except it may have taken a month or two of dates to get invited to my home.
Reality too is my ex knows me just as I know him and he knew that too. I'm sure he has found someone else. Frustrating to me because I have not though I have put myself out there. I too was led here by a Taurus who disappeared. (and did not reappear but I couldn't care less, I'm just happy there was 1 in the bunch I was attracted to!)
Time to move on. You mirror are the one bright spot (ok, I do have a good friend or two here in the offline world and wonderful animals.) but really, thank you for caring for me more than this man does. How sad when a "stranger" cares more than someone you gave your best to for years.; May 22, 2013 at 1:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 22 3:39 am,
Thank you dear :-)

And all I ask in return gals - is that you "pay it forward."

Rather than compete with other women (which, lets face it, many women tend to get caught up in these days) - embrace them and support them as a sister and pass the message along.

And that message is:

Every women is valuable. Every woman deserves to be loved. Every woman deserves to be treated with respect. And if she isn't - then she should be strong enough to walk away. Every woman should be strong enough to love HERSELF.

And even though society has ingrained the concept in women that - if you smile and you are nice and you do, do, do for others and give, give, give of yourself freely - you will be loved for it.

And to that - I call "bullshit." That is simply an outdated notion that no longer holds water.

Ladies, you will NOT be loved based on how much you give and do for others - you will be loved based solely on how much YOU love YOURSELF.

Every women needs to know that - and live it.; May 22, 2013 at 3:53 PM
Anonymous said...: To Mirror, Thank you so much for this article!! Nailed my reapearing man perfectly. I do have one question though.. He came to see me in person and said that he misses me, and wants me back.. I told him that I miss him too, but would like to be able to see other people as well.. Basically have my freedom.. He seemed cool with that response, but then threw out an "I love you".. Then left abruptly.. This guy ignored me and broke me down before.. then, when i started getting used to life without him in the picture.. he came to see me. I still care for him a lot, but cant allow him to hurt me like that again.. My question is.. Did I handle that surprise encounter well? He has not attempted to contact me since. its been 3 days now.. Is this another game?
Thank you for your time. ~Molly; May 22, 2013 at 7:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Molly,
You handled it fine dear, particularly with making it clear to him that he has to start from scratch - and that you're going to date others so he's really going to have to work at this and he's going to have some competition along the way.

You can't let a man that's disappeared once already jump right back in the door - or you're going to get a repeat of the first situation the second time around as well.; May 23, 2013 at 8:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, @AnonWoman here. Hope you're well.

I like what Molly from May 22 at 1:32pm had to say about you. It was really nice to be able to read that sentiment.

Given I've apologised to my ex for what I did wrong, but he hasn't made it up to me as much as I have him, as he doesn't want to talk about it (fine)..
What should I say when he gets back in touch after my 30 day NC?

Shall I politely decline and say no thanks I don't like the way you treat me anymore.

Or, go into something a little longer. Because, I have taken the blame for the instability he mentioned in me, when I admitted it was because I was not working much at the time. But the more I've thought about it, I was fine -ish not working, it was his changing mind about us two that made me more unstable when I tried to save it. (You're right, best to love yourself, not keep giving and giving and loving when the man doesn't deserve it - my ex is only the second guy apart from my first love I've done that to - I seemed to have learnt what worked before then slipped back which was a shame, never mind now).

His big thing when we ended was kids. So I wonder if I should talk about the two main things in my No Thanks text/email to give him something to reflect on and see if he can then see the error of his ways?

Cont....

@AnonWoman; May 23, 2013 at 5:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued...page 2 of 2

To Mirror from @AnonWoman

The top line is Mirror I want him, but only if he is going to be loving towards me again like he used to be as it was the best time of our lives. Only when he has realised the error of his own ways, now I have confessed mine to him. If he is not going to work on it, then I do not want anything to do with him in any capacity as he just causes me pain now. I want to forget about the past and him, and if I remember bits it will be from our good times. I should have done NC when it mattered most, when he was still invested you see. He isn't invested now.

He loved me but couldn't get over our age gap and the fact he would want a baby sooner than he was ready for. He does want marriage and commitment though in general. I can take or leave a baby and I know there are options that would not leave him out if he wanted to genetically father a child that I might not be able to give (or I might still naturally too, not tried yet).

An email that says no, would go something like this.

To Bla Bla
No thanks, I don't feel like meeting up. I don't like the way you have treated me and spoken to me of late, it didn't make me feel good. I also don't like that you've moved me from the 'forever' category into the 'best for sex' category - when I was only in the latter for a few weeks and it's not exactly a bad place to be (relationships go in circles anyway all the time), so I see it that you didn't try hard enough/keep going longer/change the focus to something fun/the timing was off/ rather than the other estimated insurmountable issues that weren't even insurmountable when I told you my side of it.

Your actions towards our relationship created the majority of the reason why you labelled me as unstable. You've allowed me to take lots of the blame too without saying much.

Also, I am now glad to have listened to Mike's ex girlfriend as she indirectly took me to the last two great jobs I've had since we ended. (My ex doesn't know I feel this way, as I told him that I was unhappy I had let another interfere - but now I've changed my mind but not updated him on my new stance)

You have been emotionally abusing me to keep me in your life but at arms distance. you fell for someone older and haven't got over it? But by doing that, you are not creating the environment of happiness with me when you didn't have that fear.

It was your actions towards us that made us (me) unstable, more than my not having a job. Never again.

I've apologised to you for any errors of my parent. But you have not made it up to me.

I think you should process what it is that you are doing, and why you are doing it.

I'm now glad I hired coach as now I've a great life through the indirect contact. It was your decisions during us two that increased any stability on my part. Because I stuck it out with still seeing you, my instability was evident yet I was stable in my actions. I'm through all that instability now with my winding road getting me to my goal.

You had the time of your life with someone a bit older proving that that suited you and shouldn't matter, then you held that against me when I brought it up in the cafe just because you'd mentioned the issue of family was worrying you so I was in tune and brave enough to bring it up and my punishment for my compassion was for you to end it in a shot as if I'd be a terrible mother for your family, emotionally abusing me trying to make me feel inferior when I am still young; and younger girls can be infertile. I still think you have a lot of thinking to do. I did need you but the way you are with me now, but I don't want you anymore in any permutation.

What do you reckon Mirror? Would love to hear, well read, your words of wisdom please.

Thank you very much

@AnonWoman; May 23, 2013 at 5:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror and Molly,

"You can't let a man that's disappeared once already jump right back in the door - or you're going to get a repeat of the first situation the second time around as well."

Very true - been there and got the T-shirt.

@AnonWoman; May 23, 2013 at 5:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AnonWoman,
"What should I say when he gets back in touch after my 30 day NC?"

Assuming he contacts you, you should ignore him, even beyond the 30 day time frame if necessary, and not respond at all until he initiates an apology and requests a "talk" with you.

Once that talk is suggested by HIM, you'd be better to do that face to face rather than email. Additionally, less is more and less also makes a more powerful impact.

That email shares too much information, too much emotion and feeling. He'll hear/read the first two sentences and then he'll zone out after that because it will overwhelm him.

Re-read the portion of this article under the section "Men Understand Simple Communication" and "Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them."

Less is more, particularly with men :-)

As well, I would suggest that you use this period of no contact for YOURSELF, rather than using the time to obsess over the man or rehash the situation and think about what you're going to say in the event he MIGHT initiate a "talk" someday. He may never initiate that talk, in which case, this is all wasted energy and focus that could be used more wisely.

This period of no contact should be used wisely on YOURSELF dear and not wasted waiting for a man to return and/or spent rehashing and obsessing over the past.

Scrap the email, forget about the man and have dinner/lunch with friends, pick up a hobby, exercise, change your hairstyle and/or hair color, buy something nice for yourself, take a class, work on self-improvement and boosting self-confidence and take a trip or a small weekend getaway if you can.

It's about YOU - not him dear :-); May 23, 2013 at 5:49 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Well, Ms. Mirror, this falls under so many subjects you have written on: disappearing, reappearing, failures, landmines, players, red-flags, vetting, self-worth and more.

Let me first say the past few days have been rough for me. I have been off-center. Work is nuts. Not only am I trying to continue to manage the employees and results in two depts. and finalize things for my departure, but also the new job responsibilities are hitting, and although I am pushing back that I don’t officially start until June, I’m feeling the pull of so many entities and it’s stretching me thin -- AND impacting my desire for some good old-fashioned, open arms, manly comfort.

Yesterday, I finally heard that message again in my head, “Don’t give up your power.” (I had forgotten it with all the work stress.) And I kept saying it over and over and over when I would think of Scorpio and wish for some of his comfort.

And, yep, good ole’ hot Scorpio was at it again last night, texting and sexting, and finally showing – or maybe I’m just finally seeing – (the limit of) what he offers.

Scorpio 7:37> I know you can’t do fwb, but I just gotta tell you you are fun and (goes on re: our intimacy)

Me 8:32> The real deal is better baby. SMILE!

Scorpio 8:33> U know it

Me> No response

Scorpio 8:45> I get to remember (more intimacy) though hehe

Me 9:00> Let me know if you change your mind xo

Scorpio 9:02> Same here, naughty dreams dear

Me> No comment

Scorpio 9:30> I do miss you and (more intimacy)

And then we text back and forth

Me> Have u ever thought ALL of life could be that good?

Scorpio> It is u don’t think so? I like raw sex it’s nice n simple n pure fun

Me> I guess I need to understand more. To me, fwb is rules and limits. Too restricted.

Scorpio> No its no rules just simple no pressure sexual fun no obligations no expectations just fun

Me> Just fun in the bedroom?

Scorpio> Yep that’s it just fun sex

Me> Limits and rules. I want fun sex and fun mornings and fun days and fun nights and fun fun fun everything… without rules.

Scorpio> that’s fine

Me> no comment

Scorpio 9:48> (As I type this, I still can’t believe he said the following) Just one nite a week I can be urs it’s more fun that way

(Really? He’s negotiating??? Really?? I’m flabbergasted.)

Continued; May 24, 2013 at 5:58 AM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued... 2 of 2

Me> We haven’t seen each other in 6 mos.

Scorpio> No comment

Me> Baby, I don’t live my personal life by anybody else’s rules. I go by other’s rules at work, but not my life. I wish you felt differently. U r different from other guys. I love ur openness and how I have felt w/u but putting rules in front of me doesn’t feel good. I miss u a lot. I wish I didn’t screw us up in the very beginning, but won’t keep beating myself up for that.

Scorpio at same time of my text > I like our (more intimacy— very long and descriptive) Gotta go now, very sleepy.

Me> no response.

When he didn’t respond to my comment about not seeing each other in 6 months, I had a feeling (one of those knowing feelings) that he HAS seen me…

Anyway, it’s all still interesting to me. Maybe, Ms. Mirror, you can use Scorpio’s comments to help other women on this site identify words, signals, etc. I’m going to just keep trying to take care of myself.

And for those still wondering why I am still giving Scorpio the time of day, I think I have figured it out. Not only do I just simply like him, and fell for the small piece I got to know about him, he is a man I can be totally honest with. His desire for no expectations OF him FROM a woman, rolls into no expectations FROM him TOWARDS a woman, thus he is the first man I have ever been involved with who has allowed me to be MYSELF 100% -- and I really like it. It is so refreshing not to have a man try and change me to fit their needs.

This is the thing, I think, I need to work on.

One more thing: United cancelled my flight this AM for first leg of flight thru DC to Indy. And they moved me to Sunday morning. Nope! I was working with Orbitz and United rep for over an hour (starting at 3 AM, on two phones, ugh!). Orbitz finally got me a flight tomorrow morning. United sucks! Oh, nice, text just came in… my flight from DC to Indy is on schedule.

Hugs to all. I wish everyone a sweet, peaceful weekend and start to our summer season!; May 24, 2013 at 5:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Well dear, sigh. . .this guy is a bit much sweetie. I understand that you've taken a shine to him, however, I really don't like what I see here - and what I don't see here is friendship, respect, consideration - from HIM.

If you notice, every single text was about HIM and his NEEDS. Every single one. There was no friendship there, there was no sincerity there and there was no consideration for you, either as a friend and/or a woman. I'd feel entirely different about him and this situation had I seen one shred of real genuineness from him.

It'd be okay for him to flirt - if it was combined with friendship and respect. It'd be okay to venture into sexual territory about the past - if it was combined with friendship and respect. It might even be okay to just tease you about a fwb (given the history between the two of you) - if it was combined with friendship and respect.

But all I see here is "me, me, me" - and his lack of response to your "genuine" sharing is disrespectful. Because when someone shares "genuine" thoughts, even as a friend - someone who genuinely cares does one of two things:

1) They acknowledge what you shared.
2) They respond to it and either share back, or talk through it with you.

His lack of acknowledgement to what you shared and his lack of response (ignored it) is particularly disrespectful at this point because - you two have already been together and should have somewhat of a rapport with one another because of that. I mean, prior intimacy does build rapport in some manner, or at least it should. It's definitely a few steps beyond friendship - yet this man uses any shred of rapport he's built with you. . .only to work towards fulfilling his selfish sexual needs - and not to build on the friendship that exists.

He's so fixated on the fulfillment of his sexual needs that not only does he see no genuine friendship here - he's willing to negotiate the fulfillment of his sexual needs - like this is some primitive barter system or something.

He wants you to offer your body for his use, yet he cannot even extend genuine friendship to you in return. The fact that this man is not communicating genuinely with you at this point is particularly troublesome to me.

This is the kind of man that can HURT WOMEN dear. Whether he realizes it or not. He's leading with the "guise" of friendship, yet when he's faced with a genuine exchange from you - he ignores it. And that signals him as a fake and a player who is simply "pretending" to be a friend. If he was a true friend, he would've at least acknowledged what you shared in that text and addressed it in some manner with a response. Yet, he did not.

Regardless, you did very well here. (Next time, however, DO NOT take the blame with this man for "screwing things up" as I have a feeling he played a major role in that, not you). You stood up for yourself, you showed no signs of buckling to him and you made yourself very clear via genuine communication. You are setting boundaries up front and being very clear and succinct and non-emotional when doing so.

He, on the other hand, was being fake, was focused solely on himself and on sex, ignored your genuine communication and attempted to give the impression that casual sex is somehow healthy and fun (manipulation). He doesn't see it as potentially emotionally damaging to a woman. He's absolutely clueless as to how disrespectful his request is and he's absolutely clueless to the ignorance of his behavior.

Cont. . .; May 24, 2013 at 8:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Additionally, and this should bring a smile to your face, LOL. . .he's desperate. Rest assured, there is no other woman on this man's scene. If he had other options, he would not be negotiating the fulfillment of his sexual needs with you and attempting to "sell" you on the idea of FWB. Nor would he be amping up his communication with you, which he's done via initiating it a couple of times recently ;-)

You like this man and I understand that, I see that. And if you do, you will hold your ground here. Because the upside to this that I don't think you're seeing is that:

1) He's thinking about YOU.
2) Most likely, he's also fantasizing about YOU.
3) He's initiating communication with YOU.
4) Even though you're rejecting his offer, he's still trying (repeated attempts).
5) When you reject his offer, he's handling it well and not like a child.

So there are some pluses here, LOL. But I'm going to be very honest, my gut is sensing danger with this one. And I don't mean "axe murderer" danger - I'm just getting danger as in - "he could really hurt you" type of danger. And I believe your gut is also sensing this, which is why you keep getting the feeling of "don't give away your power" prior to each of this man's reappearances. He's very cunning and manipulative and you have a spark for him - and that's a recipe for potential pain.

But there's also this other side of me that sees possibility here believe it or not - but only once you break through his wall of "fake" and reach the "real" man. And again, your gut is also sensing this:

"The real deal is better baby."

You're gut is screaming "get real" with me. Even if you don't see that, that's what it's telling you. His interactions with you are fake, shallow and manipulative and something tells me he desperately wants FWB because he's been hurt and he sees that as "safe" somehow.

"no pressure. .no obligations. . no expectations"

"it’s more fun that way"

Translation: It's easier and less risky.

Yet he bails on the "genuine" stuff as seen by his immediate reaction to your "genuine" sharing text:

"Gotta go now, very sleepy"

Translation: This is getting too "real" for me - I'm outta' here.

Cont. . .; May 24, 2013 at 8:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And yes, he's seen you. My guess is that he spies on you in some manner. Driving by your house, keeping tabs type kind of thing. And ladies, if you think men don't do this - you're dead wrong. Last year, I caught two men I had dated red-handed doing this. One was caught twice driving by my house, looking right at it and slowing down in front of it, on a motorcycle with no helmet. He even revved the bike right in front of my house real loud (windows rattling) to get my attention, then took off (you see, I was supposed to chase - not). The other was in a car, stopped in the middle of the road (my front door was open) looking into my home. When my dog started barking and I went to the door, he took off up the road (again, a signal to give chase). Men do this ladies, and they do it a lot more often than you think. (And when they do, dear God do not chase them, LOL.)

And for all we know dear, he could've been the possible cause of the raucous on your front porch late that one night. Because let me tell you, one ex of mine two years ago. . .I came home late one night, out with friends. Four of us returned to my home for some conversation and one last nightcap before parting ways that evening. And the ex in the car in front of my house - yea, he followed us that night and then snuck around to the side of my home and pounded on the side of my home twice, very hard and loud, with his fists (at 1:30AM) and it shook the entire first floor of my home and startled everyone. And this told me that this man was comfortable creeping around my home late at night. He did it again about three weeks later.

If this man keeps trying and you keep standing your ground - you may eventually break through the "fake" and reach the real man. But realize, that could take a year or more. Because he'll try every single angle possible before getting "real" and leveling with you. However, if he reaches that point and he does level with you - he's also going to have a hefty respect for you by the end of it all. And that could totally transform the dynamic and the energy between you two in positive ways. But this is not something that will happen overnight with a guy like this. He's going to first use his energy to "chip away" at you about this FWB situation. And it's only after he becomes worn down that he may or may not level with you finally.

Either way dear, you're doing just fine. You're looking out for yourself, you're realizing your value, you're confident in it and in yourself and you're not budging. All very good, very positive things. I know it's not easy, particularly with a man you've taken a shine to, but pat yourself on the back because two years ago, I don't think you would've done this for yourself.

So regardless of what happens dear, stay true to yourself first and foremost :-) (And you never know, your continued strength and positive energy may just someday turn this frog into a Prince, LOL ;-); May 24, 2013 at 8:39 AM
Peter said...: @Gemini 50

I hope you can see what I see here. You need to drop this man right now and get him out of your life. I believe you can do better and deserve better.

One thing I will say is when you communicate with a man make it VERY CLEAR what you want and how you want it. To filter him properly you need to use certain "Buzz Words" then judge his response accordingly. Look at the conversation below...I will add my comments in brackets.

Me> Just fun in the bedroom?(You asked so he will take that as if you're undecided and press on which he did as there no strong "No" followed by NC for asking for no strings sex)

Scorpio> Yep that’s it just fun sex

Me> Limits and rules. I want fun sex and fun mornings and fun days and fun nights and fun fun fun everything… without rules.(Ok now I don't know what your issues are with rules or boundaries but relationships come with them they keep a relationship healthy and strong. In the early stages they set the interaction and how the interaction will proceed. Your use of the word fun here suggests to a man that want frequent "no strings" sex. In effect you're asking him for more time than he wants to give which is why he is providing you with time stipulation. You want more fun than he wants to provide because you're probably not the only women. Can you see why I suggest being very clear and doing so early in the interaction? I know you say you don't like rules but you are giving him rules by asking for fun nights, days etc. In order to get the relationship you want you are going to have to set rules and boundaries in some form to filter.)

Scorpio> that’s fine

Me> no comment

Scorpio 9:48> (As I type this, I still can’t believe he said the following) Just one nite a week I can be urs it’s more fun that way(See my comment above)

Can you see what you're doing when you communicate this way?

If it comes up in conversation with a man and he asks what you're looking for then outline very clearly what you want. Avoid any language or words that suggest "No strings sex" unless you want that.

He won't care about not seeing you for six months because he thinks he can get sex from you, which as I have explained above you communicated to him that he can..just not on his terms regarding time.

"And for those still wondering why I am still giving Scorpio the time of day, I think I have figured it out. Not only do I just simply like him, and fell for the small piece I got to know about him, he is a man I can be totally honest with. His desire for no expectations OF him FROM a woman, rolls into no expectations FROM him TOWARDS a woman, thus he is the first man I have ever been involved with who has allowed me to be MYSELF 100% -- and I really like it. It is so refreshing not to have a man try and change me to fit their needs"

You should from the conversation above that you had with him that how you feel here is NOT because of who he is. It's because all he wants is sex so he really doesn't care what you do or he does as long he gets sex. What it appears to be and what it is re two different things. You can be yourself because he doesn't care about what you are he cares about what you can give him sexually. He is giving you a bit of an illusion here and you're falling for it.

What he was doing with the intimacy and hot messages was attempting to barrel through you into sex. Which is why he never commented on some of the other points you made to him like seeing you. He continues the interaction because you appear to give him a lot of fun sex and fun times not because of liking you. One night is what he wants because the rest is too much effort.

Take a minute to see him for what he is.; May 24, 2013 at 8:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Peter gives some great feedback here dear, and even though some of it is in disagreement with mine - it's a valuable peek into the male mind and there are some great points he makes.

So just absorb it a bit and ground yourself on it before any more communication with Scorpio. Get centered on the situation first so that you know the direction you want to go, what you wish to communicate and where your boundaries are, as Peter mentions ;-); May 24, 2013 at 8:48 AM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini50
When it hurts like it hurts when you read Peter's take on this you know that it's spot-on. Interesting: you've got a stubborn Scorpio here that will do ALMOST anything for sex with you. So you will have to take him up on it, and be willing to do ANYTHING for genuine love. Peter is right, I think, and don't forget that your 'want' is more emotionally fuelled than his 'want', so you gotta keep your thinking cap on and don't let your heart rise up when you think that you are hearing what you want to hear.; May 24, 2013 at 9:23 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror, Peter and Anonymous,
All very good feedback. thx

@ Peter, I hear you: the word "fun" is a hot-button for guys. At this point in my life and what I've gone thru in life, and the guys that I've dated or become involved with (so many of them are carrying issues with them), I do just want to have fun and see where life goes. (I guess I need to make sure I add the latter part of that sentence or drop the word "fun." ;) What the morning, day and night meant was fun doing OTHER things besides the bedroom... but I wasn't clear. Thanks

@ Ms. Mirror. I think you are right. Scorpio has sex on the brain and I think he has some deep-rooted pain -- he certainly has reason for pain from what he's told me about his life (but he's never complained about it -- just told me stuff and said 'it was what it was'). And no worries, I'm not going to try to fix it or him, etc. I have enough work trying to take care of myself. ;)

And, by his txts it sounds like I'm some amazing lover, doesn't it? lol All I can say is I don't think that's the case. But I am honest. If it ain't working, I don't fake it. I did that my whole marriage (we were kids) and I was the biggest loser. So, I swore I would never do it again, and haven't. All I am is aware, involved and engaged. Ladies, listen to your guy friends, just participate, and, they'll think you are wonderful! (take THAT StinkyShit!) lol

I'm going to read all of your stuff again (probably many times over) Ms. Mirror and Peter to absorb it all.

And Anonymous, I'm not hurting. Ms. Mirror is right, I've stood up for myself. I will not accept fwb again... not because I'm judging anyone if that's what they choose to do, but because I want more. I want a whole lot more. Listen to Hunter Hayes new song CRAZY -- I can't stop dancing in the seat of my car when I hear that song on the radio. And the reason I'm single (at almost 51 in a couple weeks), is because when someone dumps their burdens on my soul and I feel myself being suffocated under them, it takes me awhile to identify the source, but once I do, I try to talk, to explain, and if it goes nowhere, I have to move on to live. Then I spend however much time it takes to crawl and claw my way back to the light. (I know, it sounds dramatic, doesn't it? But that's how it feels inside of me.)

Hopefully, the information I learn here and the practice I do, will someday bring me to a place of peace without the "want" of a man, or to a partnership with a man that we all dream of. (Please, where ARE the normal guys?!?! without x-wife issues, adult-kid issues, money issues, insecurity issues, ego issues, judgmental issues... lol. My only issue right now is I need my riding lawnmower tuned up. SMILE!)

And if the United tele-recording guy calls me one more time to make another flight change, I think we will officially be dating!; May 24, 2013 at 10:54 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Peter,
I read your response again, and let me clarify.

My comment about no rules and limitations was within the context of a fwb relationship. When someone pre-designates a relationship fwb, they are setting rules and limitations for the relationship. I am not interested in that.

Yes, we all have to live within rules, and I certainly have standards that I expect from myself and work on everyday (and most of the time they are very, very high standards, much higher than I expect from others (go figure)), but I honestly do not live my life to reach other people's standards -- mine and theirs rarely match.

I don't chase things many others do. I don't care what other people think of me (I used to). I know who I am. I know what I try to bring to this world. It's been a hell of a lot of work, a lot of soul searching, a lot of forgiveness towards myself, a lot of love, a lot of hope, a lot of faith and a lot of a lot more. ;)

One of the backdrops of my childhood home (no matter where we were living) was, "there is nothing going on here, and don't you dare tell anyone about it."

How I raised my kids in my home was, "how I live my life is an open book." I may make mistakes, but I will do my best. I will love you my best, I will try my best, but I will not be ashamed of myself any more. And if anyone wants to judge me, I don't care.

So, that is what I meant by rules; and you are right. I need to do a better job of explaining myself because obviously, I'm attracting the wrong guys for me.

Keep writing Peter. It's good stuff.; May 24, 2013 at 11:41 AM
VirgoPal said...: I agree with Peter. Gemini-girl, drop that dude like a hot potato. The fact he is blatantly trying to sell a FWB situation is disrespectful especially for a woman who is looking for a relationship. He will probably agree to anything for a temporary roll in a hay until someone else shows up that he respects more. That's what its all about..he doesn't really respect you as a person, so he let you be who you are because eventually he won't care when he moves on. I hate saying it, but that is how I see it. You serve a temporary purpose until he meets someone else. I think the fact that woman actually entertain a reappearing disappearing man actually lowers our value to them. Why else will someone be nice to someone who stomped all over them by not returning calls or ignoring messages?

Guys like Scorpio will mirror the girl behavior to portray a false image of themselves in hope for a sexual relationship. Even if he agrees to dating you, it won't last because his entire focus right now is not to WIFE you but to USE you. The fact that he disappeared shows he has already devalued you as a potential girlfriend, IMO! I know its hard, but you need to let this dude go. He's disrespectful, he's a user/player, selfish and a bullshitter..That equals=he's not the one!; May 24, 2013 at 3:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody!

I´ve just read the latest posts and I must write the following:

It seems that most women here spend very much time analysing the behaviour of men who basically don´t care about them. I understand their reasons, I have myself done it repeatedly, maybe will do again in the future, but my point is this - and I have already shared it - it would be beneficial to meet other men.

You can analyse "your" man, do NC and everything and AT THE SAME TIME meet new people.

I know it´s difficult emotionally, but after my breakup I went for it and it´s working, that´s why I feel obliged to write about it. If I have been able to do it, I am sure any other woman can.

I still haven´ t met the " right one", but I have been occupied, there´s usually someone I can think about, at least temporarily, and I have even had some fun.

What is also important, there is hope in this process. Because I think the worst is that when you are stuck with one negative man, you lose hope and faith in yourself.

The most important thing though is that since the breakup I haven´t wasted any of my precious time thinking about the man who was disrespectful, hurt my feelings, wanted to abuse me and would have ruined my life if Mirror hadn´t warned me.

So please accept some invitations even though you aren´t very much interested. The aim is to distract yourself and focus on somebody different.

And I´d like to say again - the fact that you are dating new men doesn´t mean HE won´t contact you after NC, it just means that you´ll feel better about yourself and the whole situation. And when he is back, you will evaluate things from a different perspective.

I wish everybody all the best, especially Mirror (-:; May 24, 2013 at 4:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "You can analyse "your" man, do NC and everything and AT THE SAME TIME meet new people."

ABSOLUTELY.

The point of NC is to DETACH emotionally from the man - if you spend that period waiting around and/or obsessing over him, the time is going to be wasted and you're still going to be emotionally invested and attached to him.

Which means nothing will have changed and you're no better off 30 days later than you were when you started NC 30 days earlier.

One could look at it much like rehab for addiction - a 30 day detox process.; May 24, 2013 at 5:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Gemini,

There are no rules to FWB - it is free and easy sex, there's no restrictions there honey. Its sounds like you have got it all topsy- turvy in your thinking and you need clarity one this one and get clear.

Therefore, it will be coming across to him in a mixed up way, you've got to be so careful with texts also because there's a tendency for people to misinterpret them anyway but when I read your line about wanting more fun day and night etc. I just thought you don't realise what you're saying here and he will have read that you're happy to go along with it and want more sex without the rules and boundaries that come with a commited relationship honey. Re-read what you've put and then you need to re-evaluate what you think a healthy relationship is and then communicate in alignment with that, unless you just want sex. I'm saying this with the best intentions and I hope it works out for you.; May 24, 2013 at 6:28 PM
Lady Leo said...: Howdy all:

Gemini50: You are such an inspiring example of what self introspection is. Very proud and happy that you've stuck to your big girl panties of practicing self care and turned down the delightful opportunity to sex it up with Scorpio man. Totally agree with MoA in that his desperation is singing to you. It feels like to me he wants that intimacy that comes thru sex for some, if not most men, yet of course he cannot admit that. He speaks "Sexease" rather than "emotionaleas". Poor guy. He will keep testing those boundaries of yours to see if he can "penetrate" them to ease in (forgive the pun!). But you're holding firm, I can see. Brava to you!

Well, I had my cancer surgery 3 days ago. I have a lovely 1,5 inch scar on the left side of my cheek nearest to my ear. My hair covers it so I'm not so worried I'll be labled "scarface". My friends and family have been wonderful in caring for me, so I'm beyound blessed. Still chatting up the aqua, and though I had to turn down his several offers for dinner, I did tell him this week I was ready to meet up with him. His reply? nada. he ignored it. LOL. So, thats a message. Not sure what, but he still calls and texts. Today he asked in a text "was I still "holding on for him?". No idea what that meant, so I asked, and he didnt reply. Just said "Im worth it". Oh ya buddy...? Someone seems a little too full of himself today LOL. So I stopped texting, and so did he. Time for a little NC here :)

Just *met* a tall, dark and Pisces man online. Exchanged 2 messages and he's said we could keep chatting up online or "If you dare" you could call me...and gives me his number. LOL...poor thing, he doesnt know I now speak "mirrorease" and wont be calling him. What's up with these men that they can't ask for a ladies #? I shall ignore his message for a bit too till he shakes the stupid out of his head and has time to think over his comment.

I saw a very cute orthodontist online and send him the first message. He replied back with small talk and asked what I did for a living. I replied with the answer and a short chit chat. It's now 2 days later and he's not replied. In his profile he was very firm about wanting a woman who doesn't put career before family and relationships. Seemed he'd had that before and was not happy. Just wondering if he assumed my career was like that. It's not, by any means. Anyhow, as much as I enjoyed the idea of him, if he ain't meant to be, he just ain't. I won't try to figger out what's in his head. I'm still trying to figger our what's in MY head.

Almot 4 months since sag disappearance. Time heals, and I'm accepting though the anger still resonates from time to time. I still pray for him to release that anger. Anyone who disappears with disrespecting the feelings and care of another clearly needs prayer. Only broken people hurt others.; May 24, 2013 at 10:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear @Gemini50 and Mirror, From @AnonWoman

Gemini50 I hear your (past) pain regarding this. I think Mirror is right that he COULD come about, but absolutely not now and it will take a long, long time. I actually totally agree with her. But he will not come around to respecting you as things stand if you cave in. You will go around in circles and you don't wanna do that. But, seems like you won't as you're not giving in.

I agree that you should no longer tell him you blame yourself, because I have made that mistake with my ex Aries man. Before he has truly apologised to me. No, you might have made mistakes but he had a part in unstabling you.

The best thing is for him to see a continued change in you by whatever means you decide taking on board Mirror's advice (NC or whatever). If I were you I would be indifferent, nonchalant and unavailable and maybe respond on the very odd occasion if he is being respectful (Law of Scarcity) but don't listen to my advice as I change my mind all the time and have no knowledge of your history and case in full. Listen to Mirror.

I agree with Peter fun can mean something else to a guy.

I had a scorpio who I stupidly fell for quickly, then I moved into the FWB catergory for a very short time before I exploded - I'm not used to be in that you see. I went emotional on him. Bit like you mixing what you wanted and what was better. But they don't listen. Then are just set on one thing and you are categorised. We went back and forth with me trying to get out of FWB but him being a Fixed sign, he wasn't budging.

Anyway I taught him a lesson by going into NC.

Since then, he got back in touch and asked me out again. He was late for the date and the place was shut because it was a public holiday. So we ended going somewhere else and he bought the first round and not the second. He didn't want to talk about the past. He then bought me a freaking McDonalds. OMG. Can you believe it. He joked over his generosity. At the end of the day he then suggested I go back to his place because he liked it at home rather than out. Going on and on about how we'd have fun doing karaoke at his place. Yes his place is a fun home with great conversations, laughter, emotion, fun things to do I must say. But it leads to you know what.

I stood firm, said no several times and said goodbye politely. He was bewildered.

Since then, I deleted him from Facebook. Then he probably saw that and sent me a text saying thanks for the lovely letter I wrote him (like a year earlier)....I think I ignored the text.

Continued....; May 25, 2013 at 6:05 AM
Anonymous said...: To Mirror and Gemini50 from @AnonWoman

Page 2 of 2

Then he texts me to have a nice Christmas. Sadly I had my texts open and so it flashed up on his timeline as read instantly and gave the time! So I felt bound to reply within in a few hours. (I've changed my settings now) I just said thanks, you too or something like that, kinda cold ish. No response, no communicated joy at hearing from him.

Then a couple of months later he then looks me up on linkedin and tells me that he recognises my photo and who was the wonderful talented photographer (it was him) with a kiss on the end. I didn't respond. I also changed the photo as I didn't want it linked to him and had a more professional photo to put up.

He is very committed and has had two serious relationships (marriage with the first, then child with the second) - both ended and I caught him when he was playing the field but I know that had I seen him and played it cooler and held back as Mirror's site advises and all her other advice, I reckon I could have caught him and been number 3. I wasn't working at that point so had a bit too much time on my hands so I invested too much in him.

I have realised I need to work to be grounded and have the foundations for happiness (at this stage in life).

So I ignored two out of three initiated contacts, all of which have been respectful. I don't think he will get in touch again, but now I'm giving him energy to tell you about my scorpio, he will probably pop up! Hopefully not.

It's tough the route to internal change Gemini50 and changing years of patterns, no one said the road to a blissful life was gonna be easy if we have to learn and grow. But sounds like you're well on the road matey. I think I am too.

Speak soon,
@AnonWoman; May 25, 2013 at 6:05 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror from @AnonWoman

"The point of NC is to DETACH emotionally from the man - if you spend that period waiting around and/or obsessing over him, the time is going to be wasted and you're still going to be emotionally invested and attached to him.

Which means nothing will have changed and you're no better off 30 days later than you were when you started NC 30 days earlier.

One could look at it much like rehab for addiction - a 30 day detox process."

Very wise point Mirror. I'm so glad to have found your site. It is a respite. I wish I had found it in April 2012, I truly do. Then I think I would be engaged by now to the Aries I loved who gave me the best time of my life at the time when it was good. Never mind. My career is on track now and my new life started this week. I'm taking life slowly now when it comes to meeting men and seeing what comes my way be they from the past or someone new. Or even no one at all. Who knows.

It's time to start treating men the way they treat me. Some are so into me but I don't fancy them but still I date them. Those are the ones that go crazy for me. Time to be less passionate when I meet someone I actually do like in the first stages and am overwhelmed how a wonderful man can like me. (Let's face it, these guys don't come along often do they so when they do it's like 'hey, some real excitement again and possibility!' Probably because I don't realise my own self worth and I need to keep reminding myself of that. If I can attract those guys, then keeps things cool when they disappear or start thinking about sex only too much as men are wired that way, and not go crazy on them (I can do it, and have, it's just not consistent when they f*ck me about), then, I can make it with someone great.

My ex fiancé had a moment of major crumbling with his now fiancé . He told me that he told her he wasn't happy in the relationship anymore (when she was his GF) probably at the stage when he thought, is this a fling or forever. Anyway, she didn't react! She listened and was cool, pulled back! Absolutely perfect as then he missed her no doubt and had space to think things through, and then she got pregnant a year later and he asked for her hand in marriage when she was pregnant. Aparently he is deeply in love with her and leaves her little notes in the morning when he leaves early for work saying 'you are my heart's desire and my world'.

I know deep down, had I reacted that way too when my latest ex Aries had his first moment of doubt and expressed it to me (at this point he expressed his heart to me all the time, which is why I fell so deeply in love with him), that I believe I could have turned it around. He told me that he wanted to express his heart to me 'to keep me close'. Such beautiful words and such a lovely time. Ah well. Never mind now. Who knows what the future holds for any of us eh.

Best,
@AnonWoman; May 25, 2013 at 6:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
"Today he asked in a text "was I still "holding on for him?"

Translation: Are you waiting around for me?

"Just said "I'm worth it"."

Translation: Wait around for me.

"If you dare" you could call me"

Translation: Chase me. (And as I type this, I'm cringing at the thought of how feminine that is coming from a man. Maybe you can send him flowers and chocolate and treat him like a real lady, LOL!!! ;-)

"What's up with these men that they can't ask for a ladies #?"

It's so UN-MANLY - eww, LOL.

"I saw a very cute orthodontist online and send him the first message."

Refrain from pursuing and/or initiating dear. Not only does it start you off by giving away your power to the man, but it's also a waste of time. Only speak to the one's that initiate with you :-); May 25, 2013 at 9:19 AM
Anonymous said...: Gemini 50, I admire your strength. It can be SO HARD when work and life gets crazy, we grow exhausted and don't always make the best decisions. But you are handling Scorpio SO WELL and not giving away your power! I love it! Cheering you on :)

Hoopsgirl76; May 25, 2013 at 10:11 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror and everyone

Just wanted to say thank you. There's been some tremendous advice and discussion here over the past few days, and I just want to tell you ladies and gents that you are helping people more than you realize :)

Hoopsgirl76; May 25, 2013 at 10:17 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Anonymous
"There are no rules w/fwb...". Really? Scorpio clearly played out a couple: no expectations, no pressure. Those are rules dear. You don't ask questions, you don't "fall" for each other, you don't make plans, you take a back seat to everything else in their life... oh, those are rules you don't cross dear.

@Lady Leo
I had a 2" cut on my right cheek near my ear for cancer removal prob 5 yrs ago.... no one notices it. I have scars all over me, they are battle scars in my fight against skin cancer -- and I plan to win! ;)

@ Peter,
Been thinking about your clarity re: Scorpio not trying to change me because its sex he's after, not me.
It's a good observation. I'm still thinking about it and I knew that was the thing I needed to work on, just wasn't targeted. What bothers me about your statement though is that it infers a man tries to change a woman when he cares for and wants her. And if a man doesn't try to change her, it means he doesn't care for her.

Scorpio text me 3x last nite... I was sleeping. He was just checking on me and was courteous. You are right Ms Mirror, I have taken a shine to him. He is real, he is focused, he can be intense, but he has always been courteous to me and others. Although some see his remarks to me as disrespectful, I haven't yet. And Peter shows I m getting the sexting bcuz of my own comments. I'm learnen!

Thanks to all for ur comments; May 25, 2013 at 10:28 AM
Peter said...: @Gemini50

"What bothers me about your statement though is that it infers a man tries to change a woman when he cares for and wants her. And if a man doesn't try to change her, it means he doesn't care for her"

I don't infer that at all and it's nothing to do with change it's to do with interest. The main point being where that interest is directed. A man interested in you for the right reasons will show interest in you in non-sexual ways. He will show attraction to non-sexual elements of you. He will also NOT want to change who you are because that's exactly why he likes you in the first place.

Now a man interested in sex will not show interest in you or make effort in non-sexual ways. He will however do what Scorpio did and make a low effort for sex. He wants sex and if you look back over the exchange his interest is directed to that aim. There's nothing in that to me as a man that suggests any kind relationship potential at all. It suggests that this is a tactic. Your texts are telling him that you are open for FWB just not his terms. That's is how he's seeing it and that's what you need to see here too.; May 25, 2013 at 11:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Not that you need anymore of it, but just some more food for thought dear, LOL. . .

"Been thinking about your clarity re: Scorpio not trying to change me because its sex he's after, not me. "

It's not about changing you dear - it's about his expectations of you. I believe the point Peter was attempting to make is, when a man cares for a woman, he also cares about her behavior, who she is as a woman and how she carries herself and he has certain expectations of her regarding those things. These are things he takes into consideration about her - these are things he "cares" about, things he expects.

When a man doesn't genuinely care - he just flat out accepts things. Translation: He's not critical of the woman, he has absolutely no expectations of her. He doesn't care about the "fabric" of the woman and/or their compatibility because it's only sex he's after. He's not after the real woman, he's not envisioning a future with her, so her "fabric" as a woman is of no concern to him.

He has no expectations from her other than to "bed" her.

I also think Peter was trying to address communication style. Meaning, Scorpio stated he wanted "fun" one night a week. You responded with you wanting fun in the morning, afternoon, etc. I get what you meant, but a man may interpret that use of the word "fun" differently.

Meaning, he offered fun one night a week - and you responded that "fun" is okay - as long as there's more of it than one night a week. I think what's being missed is that a man refers to "fun" as "sex" - so replace the word fun with sex and this is what you see:

Scorpio: I want sex one night a week.

You: I want sex in the morning, evening, afternoons - all the time.

I think he meant that you should've instead communicated that it wasn't "fun" (sex) you were looking for - it was a relationship. So instead of the response above that somewhat inferred you'd be willing to have sex (fun) morning, noon and night - it may have sent a different message had you removed the word "fun" (sex) and replaced it with "relationship:"

"I want a relationship with someone. I want a relationship that lasts into the morning, evening, afternoons - all the time. It's a relationship I'm looking for - not fun."

I think he was trying to point out that to a man, use of the word "fun" represents "sex." So basically, what you communicated to Scorpio was that you were willing to have lots of sex with him, LOL ;-) And that you may possibly enter into a FWB situation - if it's "fun" more than just once a week.

And one thing I'd like to point out, that I think is CRUCIAL here dear (given that you're attempting to work to properly communicate with a man and align your desires with your communication to attract the right kind of man) - is this:

"He is real"

No dear, he is NOT real. He is being very fake and very manipulative of you right now - and you're not recognizing it and failing to see it. When you got "real" with him, he bailed on you and became "very sleepy." He's not being real, he's avoiding "real" and he's being manipulative.

"he is focused"

On sex - not on you as a woman (which is why he has no expectations of you as a woman. It doesn't matter what you're like as a woman, because he has no intention of being with you in a relationship, he only needs the sex).

Cont. . .; May 25, 2013 at 11:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "he can be intense"

Only when pushing to fulfill HIS needs and his own agenda.

"he has always been courteous to me"

This truly concerns me dear. THIS IS WHERE you're struggling and THIS is why you keep attracting the wrong type of man. You're not able to recognize disrespect and disrespectful treatment. When you should be offended - you are actually flattered.

That's a problem honey. Because what many are able to clearly see as disrespect, you are misconstruing as courteous.

"Although some see his remarks to me as disrespectful, I haven't yet."

I want to walk you through a thought process here. Let's take a look:

Scorpio: "I'm asking you to bed. . .Just one nite a week I can be urs it’s more fun that way."

(I'm going to get raw here in my translation so that you can dig to the true meaning of his communication here and see it for what it is - extremely disrespectful. So don't be offended, I'm trying to help you here :-)

Translation: Be my unpaid whore. Come to my home one night a week, screw me for free, and then leave me be.

NOW DO YOU SEE how disrespectful that request of you is? It's not courteous, it's not flattering, it's downright ignorant.

And let's take a look at how what you've communicated is drawing this out in him:

Scorpio: "I m asking u to bed."

You: "I declined, and explained fun in all aspects of life is target."

See the "buzz word" there??? "FUN" (= "SEX" to a man.) Now let's look at how manipulative he is, and how he used your VERY OWN WORDS in his next communication with you to attempt to manipulate you into the idea and feed into your insinuation of a desire for "fun" (instead of a need for a relationship, which is what you truly want):

Scorpio: "it’s more fun that way" (buzz word - fun)

Scorpio: "Just one nite a week I can be urs it’s more fun that way" (buzz word - fun)

Scorpio: "No its no rules just simple no pressure sexual fun no obligations no expectations just fun" (buzz word - fun)

You: "Just fun in the bedroom?" (You are again communicating "fun" as the key issue here - instead of a "relationship" which is what you truly want.)

Scorpio: "Yep that’s it just fun sex" (buzz word - fun)

So what has happened is, you've communicated that you're looking for "fun" (which means sex to a man) instead of what you truly want, which is a "relationship."

As a result, he's picked up on your "cue" and he's using that to manipulate you and draw you in - he's saying that he's willing to give you what you want, which is "fun" (sex) but that he's only willing to do that one night a week.

Instead of correcting him on that and stating that it's not fun you seek, but a relationship - you then communicated that you wanted "fun" (sex) morning, noon and night, LOL ;-)

The word "fun" here is being tossed around as a buzz word for "sex" - and instead of correcting that and informing him you want a relationship, you're communicating that you're okay with fun - just as long as there's lots of it, LOL.

So the food for thought here is:

1) Are you properly communicating your wishes and desires to men?

2) Are you misconstruing inappropriate male sexual attention as flattering - instead of disrespectful?

3) Do you subconsciously associate inappropriate male sexual attention with something positive instead of something negative?

4) Are you drawing the wrong type of male attention and men to yourself via the above 3 items?

It's a lot to take in dear - just absorb it for a while and let it sink in - then mull it over and see if you can identify with any of the above. If you can align these things more appropriately, you will begin to draw and attract the type of man you seek :-); May 25, 2013 at 11:35 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror and @Gemini 50

Thanks a lot for your interactions, I and I think everybody else here is learning so much from them! Wish you a nice, peaceful weekend.
HopefulWithMen

P.s.: I believe Gemini 50 will become such a perfect woman after being here and absorbing everything that one day she will just snap her fingers and all men will race to please her! (-:; May 25, 2013 at 1:17 PM
Countrygirl said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; May 25, 2013 at 5:12 PM
Lady Leo said...: Ok, ya'll gonna love THIs guy.

Been texting/emailing for 10 days or so. He asks me out once...with 2 hours notice!For a "beer". WTF do I look like, pal, one of the boys? I decline.

He texts every few days, he works in the auto industry as a marketing company. Has hundres of dealers as clients. Im shopping for a car, I ask for advice in dealing with the slimey sales guys. he promises to call and tell me all about it. He doesn't. This week he texts he is traveling but would like to get together when he returns (yesterday). Fine by me. He texts yesterday asking to call, I was working said call tomororw (today). He says fine. No call. At 6pm tonight he texts saying "I know this is wicked last minute but would you like to meet for a drink"? LOL...sat night...last minute and ALL you're offering is a drink? FLUCK YOU PAL!.

I reply "Have plans". He says "Ok I understand, Im very spontaneous". Ya pal, I call it DISRESPECTFUL but you can call it whatever. I had to get one dig in before I totally erase his from my life. I said back I was busy looking for a car and its not easy esp since I have little experience with it. I was laying a layer of guilt puke for him to roll in.

He replies "Sorry my schedule was so busy I couldn't help". yeah, really? So busy you couldn't call to persue a woman you seem interested in?

This dude is history. D-bag at its worst. On and for your closing laugh....he told me early on his ex gf was a small player on the Real Housewives of Miami....LOL...she was the maid to one of the rich chicks. Ha....ego, anybody!???!!! He said she dumped him when he refused to agree to be on the show with her. That they "used him". Let me tell ya, he ain't that cute...wealthy, yes, but good looking...no way. He needs to learn some f**cking manners. Im so tempted to rip him a new wiener hole...
LOL; May 25, 2013 at 7:16 PM
Anonymous said...: gemini there are no rules with FWB, people do what they want when they want i.e easy sex, without having to adhere to boundaries in a proper commited relationship, listen to Mirrors last communication with you. You are very confused with your communication thoughts and processes and you need to sort it out for your own sake,listen to Mirror and Peter if no-one else; May 25, 2013 at 9:04 PM
KK said...: Hello all!
I'm hoping for anything positive on this and hopefully nothing too negative. Spent some time 'analyzing' it as well, as it happened, in real-time.
I was mirroring Mr. Pisces and not going to respond to him until the appropriate time (which would have been tomorrow (Sunday) evening) However I did cave a little and chose to reply to him tonight - something in my gut just told me to do it tonight and kinda get it out of my system. (I'm getting better at this!) I was super anxious (regarding the outcome mostly and how things would unfold) but still hung back too and played it 'cool'. I think I did ok, I've talked to others already about the messages tonight, including another male friend of mine and he agreed with me on my points and thoughts. Again, I was logical, and not emotional. I was playful, fun and still maintained my 'stance', didn't wait, didn't jump, etc. I felt a difference. And i'm 'reading' him.

Anyway, this is how it pretty much went down: 9:12pm I respond to his previous text with an obvious answer, a laugh (like I was carefree and kinda laughing AT HIM at the same time, without him knowing) and an inside joke we share, a name we call eachother sometimes. I get a text back from him immediately, 2 min's later! Obviously there's nobody else around for him at this moment. His response is "WOW ****!, I sent that text like a week ago lol" - (It was more than a week, but was he actually counting the days?) Wanting me to explain myself to him? Why I've been 'away'? Wondering? Plus to me at the same time, he's kind of admitting how lazy he is. I didn't respond to that, I was putting two and two together and sort of purging my thoughts. Then 20 min's later, another text from him "What's your deal?" - LOL! My deal? What's HIS deal? He took two weeks before this, I'm only returning the favor. How dare he. My male friend heard of his reply and commented "He sounds like he's bothered - this affected him in some way" My question is, why be so 'bothered' by it if he seems to not care? - He has always shown me little signs like this without actually admitting the truth(that he possibly cares for/about me). I laughed it off anyway and replied to him later "What do you mean? (played dumb) I was just being courteous and returning your text". I didn't give him any real answers. He came back 5 min's later with "Well you didn't have to" - Umm Ok, someone is being a suck here, has a bruised ego, or is bothered still and almost trying to make me feel guilty somehow. I almost reacted and would have said 'Oh ok then I won't, Goodnight' But I chose this route: "Oh really? Well shit! I wanted to anyway. Why so sucky tonight?" - Meaning, I could have ignored your ass even longer, but I didn't. He seemed curious and was trying to fish for answers. Why act like you care or this affects you and then turn around and say "You didn't have to", made me go hmm.. I know I didn't HAVE TO, but I chose to - Geez! Nothing more from my end, I left him with that question, which went unanswered. He probably can't man up right now and actually say what's on his mind or why he was being like that - I almost asked him "What's wrong with you?".I could sense something from him, even without him saying it. Whether he actually misses me or not, he was curious, seemed surprised, and wondered why I took over a week, nearly two. I'm just going to assume one of two things tonight - he either went to sleep or totally avoided that question because he himself was possibly scared of the answer he would give me. Either way, the ball is in his court now.; May 26, 2013 at 2:38 AM
KK said...: And prior to tonight and the vibe he was giving off of this bothering him, he posted a pic of himself on FB, this one was bad. I mean, he looked really 'rough', and there has always been something about his eyes, they almost can see right through you to your soul. His eyes told me everything, he looked hurt/sad/bothered - something is eating him up. I know it can't be work/life, things seem to be going ok for him in that area. So I wondered when seeing this, could it be me? I have never seen him looking that bad. And his messages seemed to go along with the picture from yesterday. I'll be honest it sucked to see him like that, but at the same time he needs it, he needs to feel like he might lose me, he needs to feel like I could be moving on, so then he can take action (hopefully).
And the other woman I mentioned before, dropped him like a hot potato. Used him (for whatever) who knows, and jumped into a relationship all of a sudden. Maybe that could be a source for his bruised ego, but again, he chooses the wrong women and gets taken advantage of, so I hope he will finally learn his lesson and maybe realize what a good woman really is and she's standing right in front of him, question is : Does he see me now?!
Been doing a lot of writing lately, surprisingly it's nothing negative, I'm remembering details and things I forgot about Pisces that were really good/positive. (yet I harped on the negative mostly, seemed to focus more on those instead) I wrote them all down. Long list too, and sex is nowhere on that list, meaning it was never a priority for us or a 'requirement'. We had normal kinds of ‘fun’ – outside of the bedroom.
One thing I'm really curious about though. When he was with someone else prior to meeting me, he was only seeing her for 2 months, then broke off. Complained later that she was 'effed up' - I never asked, but he could have possibly 'effed' her up too. Now with me, 5-6 months into it and he's still around - I've always wondered why that is, obviously I'm not that 'effed' up like the previous one? Or he would have been gone right away. Or could it be something else? I don't want to be naive either. I just have this sense and I can't shake it, that there is something there, deep down, he just can't seem to bring it to the surface. Maybe I'm too damn nice, or I have so much compassion for others but I see he is letting his past dictate his future which he really shouldn't do. But I also see and feel a lot of fear from him, he's so scared and so 'closed off' - I hate seeing anyone like that, but with him, it's especially worse.
We'll see what's in store for me tomorrow, still feeling okay, not bad, still pretty strong. I just have been thinking too much tonight and trying to 'figure stuff out'. Exhausting sometimes.; May 26, 2013 at 2:40 AM
virgochick said...: Hi Ladies,

Been ages since I been around, those of you who remember my story or if you dont just letting you know how things all went.

Me and the guy I was totally in love with had a lot of fights, a lot of deleting numbers and NC. He never lasted. I was happy to throw him away but he kept coming back. Over this time, I realised how much I dislike him now, how much I saw he was not a man at all (too insecure, wants too much attention and me to chase him like a fool, use me as casual sex booty call) and not someone I want to give my heart to.

I tell you, it gets very easy. I am over him now. I dont think about him anymore or hope he'll change and be the man I want him to be and hoping everyday my wish would come true and he'll want to have a life with me.

Its so refreshing going through all that drama previously which has made me see the light and realise it wont happen and to move on! So I have! Ive met more guys nothing notably serious just some dating. Im not close to finding the one but definitely playing my cards differently now and being cautious!

Please understand, dont waste your time if he doesnt treat you right in the beginning!

One more point Mirror - so true about the NC and showing you dont care for them anymore. My one keeps harrassing me, almost every second day. He texts he misses me, he wants to talk to me or any random message and I just put it back.. no replying because guess what - he is no longer a priority in my life like I wasnt to him - and I bet its burning! well too bad I say :P He had his chance MANY times and now im not interested he wont go away. Oh well.

So girls, just rememeber.. you dont deserve this treatment! show them how valuable and strong you are!!; May 26, 2013 at 5:50 AM
virgochick said...: Oh, one more thing I want to add. Funny story

So pisces had asked me a while back if ive slept with anyone or met someone else.. I said no to the sex cause I havent, but did mention I met some guys whilst out. WELL, he got a complete shock! He got upset. LOL. I still laugh.

The old me would have said nothing cause I'd be afraid it would have screwed up my chances with him but I just did not care. I wanted him to know I am out and meeting potentials.. not waiting around for him!

So to show you just how dumb he is... he then called and we talked.. said he was just shocked considering I used to tell him I loved him. Well I dont anymore, that feeling diminished a long time ago! then he asked me around to have "sex". So, you confirmed you still wanted me to be your puppet and use me for sex? So I told him to go find someone else not interested.

I guess my strength I have now gained (thanks to mirror & co) has really taken him back and he doesn't know how to handle me anymore.. its as though he cannot tame me and he keeps trying!

Now - Im not losing track on that thought either because my guess is, he just cant find another girl or its too hard to get someone else to fulfill his needs right now.

Hoping I got that right?!; May 26, 2013 at 6:00 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms Mirror and Peter,

Phew, that is a lot to think about. It is going to take me some time to process it all, I m sure.

I "got it" when Peter identified my misuse of the word fun. Got that.

All the rest I m going to think about. And hopefully be able to answer your questions Ms Mirror with a new awareness ;)

Here's another reality check for the ladies to read and I m sure Ms Mirror and Peter will just shake their heads: I responded to Scorpios 3 txts yest am from airport responding that I'd be back Tuesday and asked if he wanted anything from Indy 500.

I received a "no I m good" response. That's it.

Then at 1130 last nite I saw he sent a text at 1030 saying >u home yet got out of work early

Do u think that text was sent to me in error? I do.

I responded> U win.

My response was bcuz I was disappointed, and throwing in the towel bcuz I feel I m out of my league w/Scorpio's intentions/modus operendo.

He responded immediately with 3 txts that I can't share exactly from my iPhone but something like:
>I m in (town) at brothers r u home?
> u up?
> u there girl?

Now I wish I didn't respond with 'u win'

I will think about what everyone has said here and really try to find the answers to your questions Ms Mirror... it may take some time and I may have more questions, but I will get there. :)

Thx!; May 26, 2013 at 6:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @CountryGirl,
You may want to distance yourself a bit here. Give him plenty of time and space to think things through since he's clearly putting significant space between you right now. In the meantime, begin to casually date other men. Since it's been almost a week since you've heard from him, you're free to do so. As well, there are no commitments in place here.

If he returns, so be it. If he doesn't, then you're already in forward motion :-); May 26, 2013 at 8:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
"why be so 'bothered' by it if he seems to not care?"

Because he was playing a little game with you which he felt he was in control of. When you didn't react as he expected you to - he lost control of his little game, which irritates him.

See what I mean:

"someone is being a suck here, has a bruised ego, or is bothered still and almost trying to make me feel guilty somehow."

"Why act like you care or this affects you and then turn around and say "You didn't have to", made me go hmm."

Because he's trying to play a little game and mess with you to gain the upper hand. He wants YOU to question HIS behavior, and now that he finds himself questioning YOUR behavior, he's very uncomfortable with it, irritated about it and his true self is surfacing - childish and insecure.

Now do you see how easy it is to draw out a man's "true" self by hanging back a bit when they act up, LOL?

"he looked hurt/sad/bothered - something is eating him up."

He's playing games and attempting to gain the upper hand because he's insecure.

"the other woman I mentioned before, dropped him like a hot potato"

Most likely because he was pulling the same shit on her as well.

"he chooses the wrong women and gets taken advantage of"

I see it a bit different. To me, it reads as if he self-destructs by attempting to gain the upper hand with women.

"Complained later that she was 'effed up'"

BINGO, there it is. Men who complain that women are "effed up" are generally the ones doing the most damage to women and "effing" them up. He plays head games and attempts to gain the upper hand. This behavior brings out the worst in the woman because he makes her feel insecure and question things (the risk she's taking with him). Then he sees he has the upper hand, so he continues to mess with the woman by, most likely, giving vague answers - causing further instability and uncertainty in the woman.

And then he turns around and says, "she's effed up" - but he fails to realize that it's HIS bad behavior that's bringing out the worst in the woman.

"but he could have possibly 'effed' her up too."

Yep, you got it.

"I also see and feel a lot of fear from him, he's so scared and so 'closed off'"

He's insecure - and he's also his own worst enemy because of it, it appears.

"I hate seeing anyone like that, but with him, it's especially worse."

Honey, it sounds to me as if he brings all of this on himself. He draws out the worst in a woman and then blames HER for the failure. That's not fair and he's not taking accountability for his own actions, and it's his own actions that are ultimately causing his pain.

Don't feel bad for someone like that dear. Or he'll play the "wounded warrior" role with you and eventually use it to "dupe" you somewhere along the way.; May 26, 2013 at 8:58 AM
KK said...: 'and it's his own actions that are ultimately causing his pain.' - YES! That is how I see it now too. He doesn't seem to understand the concept of 'Karma being a bitch' yet. What YOU do comes right back to you.
There has been more activity today - funny thing I don't get is why he was texting me last night as soon as he returned home and again this morning as soon as he woke up, wanting to 'continue' the conversation from last night. He's so weird. Was being sensitive again and kind of playing the 'female' role - asking questions, obviously giving off the impression that he is insecure. Things are up in the air now and he doesn't like it, he's uncomfortable - GOOD!
11:30am he says to me "So is that why you text me, bc you're drunk?" - The last message I sent to him last night was past 2:30am, in response to his. He kept saying how 'messed up' it was for him to text me over a week ago, and for me to just get back to him NOW? So my response to him: "Isn't it messed up to text me at 2:30am?" - Subtle hint to him about his lack of respect. Maybe shouldn't have even texted him back but I did mirror him and did everything else correctly, plus it kind of put him in his place. I could have continued and made a list of 10 other 'messed up' things, but I didn't. I didn't let my emotions get the best of me.
Then today after he initiated, I mirrored and responded "Nobody said I was drunk. Calm down, you're pulling a 'me' now lol." - Correction, the 'old' me and how she used to be or would have reacted.
Pisces @ 12:15pm: "See it's not nice is it?" - Jerk!
Me 20 min's later: "Pfft, obviously you couldn't 'handle' me.(Meaning, deal with me properly even when I may be 'emotional' - Man up) It's like you're trying to open a can of worms now. What’s your deal?" - Same question he asked me yesterday.
Pisces 1 min later "LOL what do you mean, can't handle you?"
Me : no response
Pisces @ 12:45pm "Sorry, I had stuff to do that day" - Referring to the last time we saw eachother and there was a confrontation. Stuff to do my ass. He ran cause he couldn't 'handle' me. I replied "Lol yup exactly. Think about it, I don't have to explain it to you. You pulled the same thing on me last night" (wanted answers, wanted to know where he stood) acted like how I did before. Called him on his shit basically. And then added "It's not about sex, you can totally forget about that"(in case he took the word 'handle' wrong - in a sexual way)There have been jokes like "oh, you couldn't handle it, or handle me" You know? So I felt I had to clarify what I actually meant before he took it the wrong way.
Pisces @ 1:00pm: "I have lol" - Hmm, a possible dig at me? I could take that many different ways. Then sends me two more messages "I just thought it was f*cked up that’s all. I text you a week ago to see if you're still kickin'. Then a week later you finally text back?" - Wah wah wah, like a little baby. Suck it up buttercup! He is not my boyfriend/husband/boss - I do not need to report to him or answer to him. He is not 'entitled' - I in turn, made a list on paper of 10 'messed up' things concerning him. It's ridiculous. And my reason(s) for ignoring him - Duh!; May 26, 2013 at 5:36 PM
KK said...: My response to him was: "Why does that bother you so much ******? you're still 'on' it. And you know what, shit happens. You wouldn't know it though cause you haven't dared to ask me anything, and then now you care? That's 'messed up'"
Heard crickets for a while - 2 1/2 hrs. Then a really lame text "lol ok". Still he can't answer why he's bothered or harping on it. But I know. I could mirror and respond at 6:30, or NOT.
I feel like saying to him though 'It's true. It's not all about you, I have a life, you are not my life. Weren't you the one who said you didn't want commitment? Well here it is, it's what you wanted. I am not committed to you, I don't have to talk to you if I don't want to. Now you're acting like you want me around and want to talk to me - What do you want??"
I’ve been laughing my tail off all day at this stupidity, also roaring pretty loud too!
Any suggestions or ignore him again?; May 26, 2013 at 5:37 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,

In casual dating when you're sussing out the level of interest of a bloke and letting them take the initiative each time in contacting you - as a general guideline what is a reasonable amount of initiating contact from them i.e once, twice a week etc. Also at what stage (days/weeks) would you classify them as disappearing?

Thank you; May 26, 2013 at 6:05 PM
Mltn said...: Just hoping for some support with no contact.

My story is above (my co-worker and best friend of 7 years suddenly expressed a romantic/sexual interest in me). After talking about how important our friendship was and how we didn't want to ruin it, hurt each other, etc., we got intimate. He initiated, pursued, was relentless in pursuit. Intimate to "everything but" level, if you get what I mean.

And then he had "buyer's remorse," withdrew, faded out, etc. Suddenly went from hot and heavy to cold.

But he kept texting, emailing, calling, and dropping by my office, but purely platonic, and no reference at all to the romantic/sexual situation. We had a date that he blew off, then his communication level dropped to nothing, then it was bizarrely all about what was on TV and the weather. Just nothing to indicate that we'd been intimate.

So, despite MOA's advice, I called him on it. He sent some lame text about nothing, and I just asked if he was going to ignore what had happened between us, and said that if he was no longer interested in that way, he could do me the courtesy of letting me know for certain. No response.

So, this is day 6 of no contact. Did I handle it poorly? The thing is, 7 YEARS. This guy was my best friend. He knows me. Knows I have a temper and a low tolerance for BS. We've talked about everything. Hopes, fears, insecurities, dreams, love, life, just everything. I've never had to censor myself with him. There was always honesty, communication, trust, respect, loyalty, and affection between us. We helped each other through a lot in life.

I hate that he poked this hornet's nest if he didn't have a high level of interest and wasn't SURE that he wanted me. Because we could have been friends forever without pursuing the sexual/romantic angle. And now I feel like there's just a smoking crater where our friendship used to be. Since he treated me without respect, trust, loyalty, care for my feelings, etc., I question whether those things were ever really at the foundation of our friendship. I don't know who this man is. Could he have been fooling me for 7 years? Is he so messed up over sex that he's just become someone else now?

Part of it is that I haven't been intimate with a new man in, well, more than 7 years. The last time I had a new partner, I was on the "good side" of 30, now I'm on the doorstep of 40. Now I've had a baby, breastfed, gained and lost weight. I'm kind of wallowing in being self-conscious, dejected and rejected right now. I don't feel like my strong self.

I am firm in not contacting him, because I don't want to be emotional with him (I'm not giving him my last shreds of pride and dignity), and I honestly have no idea where we could go from here. From the pointless random communications, I think he wanted us to go back to being friends, but now I feel like I don't know if we ever really were friends, and I'm not sure I can ever get past him dumping me on my butt right after I was so open and intimate with him.

Argh. Ladies, it sucks.; May 28, 2013 at 1:42 PM
CrystalWaters said...: Hey Mirror,

I don't want anything today. I just wanted to say thank you for all your advice to me, and say what a great job you're doing and how I value it.

Thanks hun.

@AnonWoman - I may change my name to CrystalWaters .... AnonWoman isn't as friendly as I am!

Oh, actually one thing. My Aries ex who said I was unstable? Well, he has admitted to me HE is unstable!!! He saw instability in me (what you don't like is what you are yourself right? More often than not).

So, I think he meant I became INSECURE and it was that he couldn't handle.

Take care,; May 28, 2013 at 3:51 PM
KK said...: Sunday continued... a couple more messages between Pisces and I. Decided to mirror him anyway and responded @6:45pm to his 3:55pm text. “Well it’s true and I know you’re smart enough to know better. You sound doubtful, don’t believe I have a life and you’re not IT? What do you expect or want from me?”
Pisces @ 9:45pm: “Nothing” – I’m stunned at this point for various and obvious reasons. He mirrored ME right back! Did he really catch on? Wondering now what to do to shake things up again somehow. He might think he’s won or something, but he hasn’t.
I did eventually respond to his ‘Nothing’ text. I hope this was alright: “Do you see how messed up that is? You say ‘nothing’ but yet get all worked up when I don’t talk to you when you want me to. Doesn’t make much sense to me, but I’m done trying to figure you out. You asked for this, got it, didn’t like it and then bitched about it lol” – I’ve never been afraid to be up front and honest with him, he has done the same.
This is not my ‘usual’ reaction either. Before this I would have said something much different and it would be ‘emotional’. I do feel proud of what I said and HOW I said it. It wasn’t raw emotion, but pure logic and should signal to him – I know what you’re up to and what you’re trying to pull here, I have control here, not you.
Plus, wasn’t I respecting him and his wishes/request? That should be a good thing. That should be a BIG thing. He should be thrilled instead or relieved! I didn’t continue to ‘push’ or ‘pressure’ or argue did I? I am different.
It has been quiet ever since, no reply from him. And I’m still hanging back, I will take the silence as a good thing. He might be thinking or digging in his heels – kicking himself. This backfired on him.
Just the fact that he can’t let this go and says to me ‘See it’s not nice, is it?’, like this is ‘payback’ or something. This isn’t about getting even. Childish indeed, but I still called him on it, I’ve done it before too, and it’s nothing new. He eats it up, I actually think subconsciously he wants/needs that from a woman. Makes sense. (kind of an Ah-ha moment for me)
And when talking about ‘handling’ me, notice I said he ‘couldn’t’ handle me – past tense (in that moment, at the time). He used the word ‘can’t’ – present tense. (Maybe I’m reading into it too much, but I think it’s still valid). Could mean 1) He’s still thinking I’m the same as before, that’s still his mindset. He’s stuck there. Who could blame him? He’s expecting me to be ‘crazy’, it’s what he knows or what he’s used to, he associates me with that ‘feeling’. I get that. Or 2) He chose ‘can’t’ for another reason altogether – He thinks he still has me or isn’t done yet or still has a shot with me.; May 28, 2013 at 9:58 PM
KK said...: I realize what I did wrong and what mistakes I made back in Feb/March. I own it and take responsibility (but don’t divulge that to him) I’ve learned my lesson and still am learning. I’m over it and it’s in the past. He should be over it too. We can’t go back and change anything. I’ve learned it’s not healthy to dwell on negative things, you have to keep moving forward, get over the ‘hump’. He was so angry, resistant, frustrated and obviously didn’t enjoy it back then, so why on earth attempt to experience those things again? His issue, not mine.
He’s just testing me right now by bringing all of this up (And I will admit I had a good cry to myself after the fact, for all kinds of reasons, he didn’t really ‘break’ me but I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions). But if he can see that I am over it (not the one bringing it up, harping on it, adding fuel to the fire), wouldn’t that trigger or signal something positive for him towards me? Not to sound preachy or anything, but didn’t I do something great for the both of us? I saved us both a great deal of grief and wasted energy in a sense (Because I’ve done it before and where did it get me?). I didn’t do it to be ‘nice’, I feel like I did it to show him how strong I actually am, and I showed myself too.
I really am taking everything into consideration. I understand the ‘endless possibilities’. His actions will ultimately determine everything. In the meantime, I may be ‘reacting’ to all of this but at least I’m not directing it towards him like before. I have my family, friends and the ladies here to talk with and listen to me and let me vent.
Thanks.; May 28, 2013 at 9:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I've been reading and following your website it is great.

My dilemma is this guy I've been getting to know, well it is long-distance, there was talk of him coming to see me but it's not happened yet.

I have to say he does definitely come across as interested and initiates the contact and seeks me out, I'm playing it friendly and cool. Obviously I would really like to take it to the next stage and meet him but I know it is definitely not for me to instigate this. We've been chatting for nearly 3mths and there is no sign of him losing interest but he is not biting the bullet and moving things forward in terms of a meeting.

I think you will probably say that I should date other guys as well and keep my options open but this is very difficult for me at the present without going into lots of detail.

So I don't think there is anything else I can do given that I can't start pushing for a meeting.

What do you advise on how I can handle this as it can't go on forever in limbo and surely soon or a later he is going to want more?

Thank you; May 29, 2013 at 7:13 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,
I have been thinking about your, Peter’s and others comments trying to understand why I am not offended by Scorpio’s fwb request. I’ve wondered if childhood abuse and early introduction to sex either damages one’s ability to gauge disrespectful behavior (in my case, I don’t think so. I have clear boundaries in certain instances as you’ll see in my answers below) or if the abuse anesthetizes one to inappropriate behavior (I don’t know).

I’ve compared Scorpio’s behavior to other men I’ve been involved with (not many) and what I keep coming back to is: I appreciate his honesty. He does not pretend to be someone he is not. So many men do.

Scorpio has not tried to change anything about me, or make me feel bad about anything – even when I have said no to his requests. Peter makes a good point that Scorpio doesn’t care who I am because all he wants is the sex; and that is something for me to continue to think about.

To answer your questions:
1. Are you properly communicating your wishes and desires to men?

This answer is easy – NO.

2. Are you misconstruing inappropriate male sexual attraction as flattering – instead of disrespectful.

This is a tough one. Because inappropriateness is a personal measurement. But I’ll use my own measurement of inappropriateness to answer:
- W/men I don’t know – absolutely not.
- W/men at work – absolutely not.
- W/men I am strictly friends with – I ignore them or make a joke out of it telling them it’s stupid
- W/men I am involved with – it depends and is determined by my perception of their motives. I do not think sex is bad when two people care about each other. But if one is not getting their needs met, then it’s not good and they need to take responsibility for it without blaming the other.

I tried Scorpio’s way of fwb, and it wasn’t good for me. I fell for him; I wanted to see him more, share more of our lives together. He did/does not. That doesn’t make him inappropriate, it means I need to do a better job of communicating and taking care of myself.

3. Do you subconsciously associate inappropriate male sexual attention as flattering instead of disrespectful.

- I don’t think so. Although I feel I have a pretty good connection to my subconscious, who really knows?

4. Are you drawing the wrong type of male attn. and men to yourself via three items above?
- I don’t know.

Continued; May 29, 2013 at 5:58 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued 2 of 2

My history has been either I get involved with very controlling or weak men, and both types try to change me in a manipulative manner as opposed to growth.

Scorpio is the first man I have been involved with where that didn’t happen. (I know, Peter, I am giving your comment equal weight when I think about this statement.) ;)

The final thought that comes to me from the questions posed is that I just don’t feel bad or mad or disrespected by Scorpio. Maybe I should, but I don’t. I wish he wanted more than fwb, but clearly he does not, and I do not want fwb.

Because he has been straight with me, I can only have respect for his journey in life, and learn how to make choices in my life to make my journey the best and happiest it can be.

Scorpio txt me last night asking me whether I was going to work today or staying home. (I had told him in my Sat AM txt prior to flight out I was taking today off)

I just responded with> Home

Scorpio txt this morning saying he was getting out of work in afternoon and could come by if I wanted a playmate for an hour or so before he had a mtg to go to re: Americade ride next week.

I responded that I am not good at fwb and if he wanted to go out sometime, he knew where to find me. I also wished him fun on trip.

Scorpio’s response> K.

I think this is the strength I have gained from you, Ms. Mirror, and your community. I made a choice that was good for me and although I am not getting what I want with Scorpio, I did not give up my power to take care of myself with a healthy choice for me.

But don’t get me wrong. There are times, sometimes several times a day, when I get to feeling sad or sorry for myself – or even panicked that I’m getting old and will be alone the rest of my life. But there are more times that I am so damn happy and proud of myself and hopeful, that I feel there is no limit to where life may lead. I recognize both ends of the spectrum, and work towards the latter.

I am going to keep thinking about your questions, Ms. Mirror; and believe the answers will impact the next relationship I get into with a man.

Thank you!

@Mltn: You are doing good -- You took your power back with your questioning of him. Give yourself credit -- and just keep breathing! {hugs}; May 29, 2013 at 6:05 PM
chk61 said...: @Mltn...sorry you are going through this. I dated a man I worked with (and still do) part time and felt similarly misled. Different situation, I was not friends with him for 7 years, we only knew each other 6 months, I was freshly broken up with a long term boyfriend (I left the relationship). After he broke up with me twice (we had two 3 month long go-arounds with a 9 month space in between) it was one of the hardest situations emotionally I had ever experienced. I was crushed. Seeing him semi-regularly for work and not being able to get away from him completely was excruciating.

The way I coped was to act "as if" nothing was wrong, that he did not affect me, that I was fine without him. I failed sometimes but I had to keep up my cool as a cucumber demeanor if I wanted to survive through the situation. I knew any further emotion from me would certainly NOT help the situation. It was TOUGH.

A few years later, we are now friends. I like him. It also helps that I am now physically attracted to someone else. I realize in retrospect it was about HIM and not about ME. It was always about HIM. And we cannot do anything about another person, what they think, do, believe, want. So forget about trying to figure HIM out as only HE knows why he does what he does (and HE may not even know why!) Just keep on, keepin' on, take care of yourself, don't worry about him and eventually this will all work itself out and be behind you.

I know it's difficult but I would not try to get an answer out of him. I would ignore him as much as possible but I would be polite and friendly with him at work and act as if nothing happened. If he ever approaches YOU and wants to talk, then you let HIM talk. You've already tried to talk to him and he hasn't responded so...you're done! It's up to him.

But try not to take it personally because really, his behavior, his choices, his thoughts....are all about HIM. I know it is difficult that you used to be friends and then you crossed that barrier. That is always a risk but what is life without taking risks?

Hang in there!; May 29, 2013 at 7:22 PM
Lady Leo said...: Ok ladies, what you think of this?

1. Leo lineman (lineman for electric company): Just starting chatting, had first phone call, asked me to dinner Sat night (4 days notice - very good). Very respectful on phone, says he doesn't seek first date sex, has to know a woman before intimacy. All the good stuff. He texts me few fun pics of him working on the line, guess to show his manliness. lol. So I send one pic of me in black work out sweats, so unsexy you cant believe. He replies like a dog in heat with compliments on how he'd like to run his fingers thru my hair (I have wild curly hair), I look "hot in black" etc. I ignore these comments cus I think its rather fresh but that could be cus Im sort prudish in early days. So an hour later, he says "dont leave me hanging here". Well, I didn't know I HAD to reply and just what was he hanging from? lol a power line???

So I wait hours later and reply asking what he was hanging from. He doesnt reply. 4 hours later he calls, I ignore and no message was left. We are both Leo's and I think the two felines are gonna play "cat n mouse". lol...

Next, tall Pisces guy and I have exchanged very brief messages last week. He sends me his number saying if I was bold I could call or text. lol. I wait 2 days reply with MY number and said if HE were so bold he could text me first then maybe a call later. So, 4 days pass, he didnt log onto site, thus didnt read my reply. Last night he sends a text saying he was sorry to not get my reply, that the dating site didnt send him notice he had a message waiting, asked how I was etc. I ignore ...why? Cus it had been 4 days since I sent my reply now HE must wait 4 days for MY reply. See how I'm doing, Lady MoA? :)

So, tonight, Pisces sends me another message on the site saying this:

"Hey there Lady Leo...shot ya a text..hope all is well and you are with a smile...
Gotta get my zzz's for the early am work out before work...
will text ya or if you beat me to it so be it...
Big smile
Pisces"

And so the game of man and woman continues on....lol

So happy to APPLY what you have taught, Lady MoA!!; May 29, 2013 at 9:24 PM
Sleepless in NYC said...: Mirror-

It's me again. You gave me advice on how to kick a guy I have been dating for about 4 months into action so he initiates a talk regarding the status of "relationship" without me having to bring it up. I initiated NC and ignored all his texts until he finally asked to talk since it seemed we had hit a roadblock (his words).

We met but I didn't get much resolved although he admitted he has been inattentive (which was a break through for me). Re: the status of our relationship, he said he is taking things slowly because he has been hurt deeply by exes (had to see a therapist to get through it) and doesn't want a repeat. When I said we should stop seeing each other so we can both decide what we want, he told me I was over-analyzing things and that we get along so well and he likes that I have no drama, etc.

I did "snap" lol and told him none of my friends think he is worth my time and he asked if that's why I haven't introduced him to any of my friends and haven't been as responsive via text before I initiated NC. Then he said he is a nice guy and is never mean to me. I explained to him that the fact that he isn't mean, doesn't make him nice by default. I mentioned some of the issues and that's when he admitted to being inattentive and seemed remorseful.

Anyways that's pretty much where it's at. I didn't accomplish much except I guess he knows I am not satisfied/happy with how things are. I do have feelings for him but I feel like I am devaluing myself by continuing on in this limbo "seeing each other" status and waiting on him to bestow full commitment on me like he is King.
I am still on a couple of dating websites but keep running into duds on there so there is no one else in the picture currently.

What do you think? Should I give him a couple of weeks to see if he is actually going to make any changes in the "attention" department or do you think his excuse about being hurt and taking things slowly should be the proverbial final nail in the coffin? I've never been in the position so I don't know if it's a BS excuse to string me along until someone he actually wants to be in a relationship with comes along.... I've read so much info online that cuts both ways- some say it could be legit and to go with the flow and others call it BS and say move on asap! Do you have any insight into this? I am sure there could be exceptions but would like to get your take on it...

Also, if I decide to end it for good, should I say anything? i.e. respond to the next text he sends (I am sure I will hear from his soon) reiterating that we should stop seeing each other?; May 30, 2013 at 7:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror, I'm a bit confused what to do!

I'm chatting with this bloke, he always contacts me, it is in the earlish stages.
The problem is it can take him 10 days or so to initiate which feels like a long time - I know I should date others haha!

Could you give me advice on what to do when he contacts me. I've read your articles and it says in the beginning not to expect too much from a man in casual dating. So is 10days or so acceptable in the beginning because I don't want to start mirroring him for 3 or 10 days if it is appropriate ok what he is doing at this stage.

I think we women like men to contact us a lot but it's not always a mans way in the beginning.

So when he contacts me I don't know how long to leave it maybe an hour? if it is reasonable what he is doing.

Thanks ever so much; May 31, 2013 at 5:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sleepless in NYC,
I think this is going to have to be your call dear. You're going to have to use your "gut" here to determine if he's worth it and if you think he's legit or not in his explanation. You're going to have to view all of his behavior and observe him to determine this.

If he's acting shady or he's lied to you in the past, then you can lean towards a "non-legit" determination. Because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

But if he's been honest and he's up front with you and he seems willing to communicate openly, then you can be more apt to give him the benefit of the doubt here.

But even still, observe him overall. If you give him a few more weeks, observe that his words align with his actions during that time and this will further aid you in your final determination. The biggest predictor of that is going to be whether or not he actually becomes more attentive. Because he's already apologized for that and told you about it, so now, he should be more comfortable and more attentive towards you as a result if he truly wants this.

If that doesn't appear to be the case over the next week or two - walk him to the door - and then shut it ;-); May 31, 2013 at 10:07 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 31, 5:49 AM,
I think I'd start to mirror this one a bit, in an effort to see if he's going to step it up. Naturally, at this point and with only two or three conversations taking place a month, yes, definitely casually date others. He's not doing anything wrong, but if you're going to "wait" on him, then you need to mirror him to see if he's truly interested - or just wasting your time.

He's not doing anything wrong, but he's really not leading things along either. As a result, he doesn't necessarily deserve your immediate attention at the moment. I'm not saying to be rude, I'm simply saying don't jump on his communications either. You kind of want to test him a bit here, test his interest level to see if it's genuine or not.

And the way to do that is to pull back a bit. An hour isn't enough. I'd probably wait a day or so. Because the simple fact of the matter is, he's taking his good old time communicating with you and that means you can do the same with regards to him. That's the signal he's sending, so that's the signal that's permissable for him to receive.

So if you really want to know if this man is serious, if he's genuinely interested, don't respond for a day. See if he makes additional attempts to reach you. If he doesn't, then I think it's safe to say he's half interested and you can then begin to mirror him fully and/or move on.; May 31, 2013 at 10:15 AM
Mltn said...: Okay, one more question. My disappearing man is a co-worker. His office is near my secretary, so I'm often in that neck of the woods during the day. Since I started no contact, he's been in his office with the door closed 100% of the time. Like, no one has seen him in more than a week. He's become a hermit crab.

What do you think, ladies, is he feeling bad about what he did? Is he hurt by my no contact? Am I reading too much into the situation?; May 31, 2013 at 11:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn,
I think he's struggling with how to feel and what to do and how to act over it. It could be a mixture of guilt, embarassement and an inability to "man up" and deal with the situation. So instead, he runs and hides like a little boy.

I'm quite sure he's uncomfortable right now, but that's fine, he should be uncomfortable - because HE did this HIMSELF. So let him deal with the fallout of his own actions himself as well. That's how people learn from their mistakes - by experiencing the consequences of them first hand.

Clearly you have the upper hand here. You're acting dignified and mature, while he's hiding and acting immaturely.

For now dear, enjoy the show and simply keep observing. Hold your head high, laugh and smile and carry yourself maturely in the office.

Eventually he's going to have to crawl out of that self-imposed shell he's placed himself into. And when he does, you stay mature and dignified.

The more mature and dignified you behave - the more guilt and embarrassment he's likely to experience (especially given that this is taking place in front of others at work) ;-); May 31, 2013 at 11:15 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror its May 31, 2013 at 10:15 AM

Thank you I think your perception is great and feels like great advice/good plan that I'm going to follow.

The only thing I would say is the 'see if he makes additional attempts' I'm not sure, as I think he is interested but I do think he definitely hangs back a bit and waits to see what my reaction is going to be first - so I'm cool to leave it for a day but I'm sure he won't make repeated attempts in that day, as he's waited out for me before on three days and like I wait out on him. I think it's a bit of a long-haul situation a bit of cat and mouse and he has to give in, in the end. So you'd think that he would have got the message by now that he's got to step forth as I've shown determination and hung back previously.

So in the day space I'd say he probably won't make repeated attempts to contact me, I don't really feel that will make him definitely only half-interested for sure but there's always a possibility.

So is there any other way (barometer), to test him and see if he will step it up? If the day thing doesn't work. Is there an alternative of having to mirror him for 10days (even though he's taking his good old time ha ha) as technically what he is doing can be classed as normal) so 10 days seems a bit on the extreme. Fair enough is what he is doing is wrong.

Thank you; May 31, 2013 at 11:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 31, 2013 at 10:15 AM,
"So is there any other way (barometer), to test him and see if he will step it up?"

The only way to know if a man is genuinely interested is to pull back - and see if he pursues you.

Whether it's a day, 10 days, a month - whatever length of time you feel is necessary to gauge his interest. If he doesn't pursue, you move on.

And it's not necessarily that what he's doing is wrong, it's more about whether or not his actions (or lack thereof) are indicative of genuine interest - or the lazy man's approach (a half interested man). And the only way to gauge his level of interest is to pull back and see if he pursues you.; May 31, 2013 at 11:51 AM
Anonymous said...: May 30, 2013 at 7:45 PM

Hi hun, I think you've given him a bit of food for thought without being too full on. I think you need to give him a bit of time/space to process what he has heard from you and allow him the opportunity to step up now

Although that may sound a bit frustrating, I think on a positive note there is some potential movement here and I would remain hopeful and see what he does. If it's meant to be then it will work out but good work anyway; May 31, 2013 at 11:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies,
There's a man over at this piece that's seeking female insight and feedback:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/dumper-dumpee-dating-help-break-up.html

If you feel inclined, go on over and read his story and toss in your two cents :-); May 31, 2013 at 12:16 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous May 31, 2013 at 10:15 AM,

Hi Mirror,
When I do pull back he does pursue. It's just it takes him bloody ages but the reason why I think it takes him so long is a part of that time he waits to see if I contact him first and then when he realises I'm not going to then he pursues, so it spans over days this process...

I don't think he is lazy or a player but I think this hanging back business, well I think he is used to girls doing the work because he does hang back and a lot of girls will take up the male role without realising what they are doing. Then I come along and it's all changed and all of a sudden he's having to do some work and it may be making him realise that he does like me and then he pulls back.

I will see how it goes with the latest plan and leave him for a day and not be available for him and then observe/reassess from there.

thank you again for your advice and time; May 31, 2013 at 2:10 PM
Sleepless in NYC said...: Thanks Mirror and Anonymous May 31, 2013 at 11:52 AM. I appreciate your advice.

I will give him time and see if things change for the better. Hopefully something good comes out of the talk. If things stay the same, I will move on.; May 31, 2013 at 8:37 PM
Sista'Taurus said...: HELLO MY BEAUTIFUL LADIES!!

@MOA,GEMINI50,LADYLEO,CHK61,HOPELESSWITHMEN,PETER & everyone else

Just thought of dropping by and saying hello,I haven't forgotten all your amazing advice and support and I wanna send you all loving vibes and lots of light and inspiration on your paths of becoming a greater self.

Hugs to all!XOXOX; June 1, 2013 at 5:47 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody here!

@Sista´Taurus
You haven´t written for a long time so it´s nice to hear from you. How are you doing?

@Lady Leo
You always have some funny dating stories to share. I would need your good spirit at the moment because - I hate to say that - slowly but surely I am beginning to be fed up with dating. I am the one who recommends meeting new men but I have to admit that all these new men have exhausted me.It often occurs to me that I should give it up completely and return to my peaceful spinsterhood.:D Obviously, I need a break.

@Gemini 50
I am looking for your update! It´s always interesting to read about your experiences and perceptions.

Mirror and everybody, I have a question: With that player we got on quite well as far as common activities and intellectual communication were concerned. What I missed was an emotional bond, he was quite cold. At times I am tempted to contact him just to have somebody to go out for trips with. I am not sure if it´s a good idea though. I think at this point I could bear being "just" friends but still... I wouldn´t like to make him feel "entitled" and on a pedestal, as Mirror says. He has contacted me once or twice since we broke up but I never answered him. What do you think? Thanks for your comments.I already hear you reprimanding me for my idea to contact that man and a loser-like attitude!:-(
I wish everybody all the very best and keep smiling.
HopefulWithMen; June 1, 2013 at 12:17 PM
Lady Leo said...: Wow, what a date I just had with the Leo lineman :)

But we must begin this story BEFORE the date took place. This man did something that blew my socks off. I've been car hunting for few months; today went to see a beautiful car that is stunning (for a car LOL). It's at a dealer 5 mins away from his home. He offered to go to the dealer and act like another interested buyer to see how low they'd go and relay the info to me. I was shocked that he would go to that trouble, but declined.

So I go, make an offer, they'd only come down to XXX price, very little room to move so I left. Went nice enough but they just wouldn't work with me. Had no idea why other than it's a great car, very few miles and lot of extras. It’s been on their lot for 45 days so obviously price is why it hasn’t sold. On way home I tell him news, it’s not meant for me. He kept asking if I really loved the car, and of course I do, but I won't buy on emotion and will just have to let it go.

Few hours later I text to confirm our date meeting tonight. He replies "I’m at the dealer trying to negotiate the car for you". I was stunned!! I could not believe he would go to such trouble. But he did. At dinner, he told me the whole story: He drove it, dealt directly with the manager, was firm and they gave him a price a few dollars less than the quote to me. He said he'd think it over and left. They called him few times after that, so perhaps tomorrow when he calls back, they might go lower. He said if they'd have come down to his number, he was ready to leave a check to hold it for me in case I do wish to take their price. I could not believe would do it. How very loyal and Leo of him

He does seem like a nice man, the chemistry was there, though not off the charts on fire but I think that's good. I don't want red hot, I want it to build. Here's a funny aside: the parking lot was rainy and dreary, lots of traffic cus it was the mall. I’m walking to the restaurant in my skin tight, maxi dress and 4 in heels, with umbrella talking on my pink skin cell phone, walking thru traffic and whose big old Ford truck do I see right in front of me? HIS! He puts the window down and his mouth open a bit. Speechless. Obvs he recognized me, and I him, so I smiled and said to just meet me over *there* after parking. He smiled big and finally found his voice and said "I know who you are!!". In other words, he looked at me like I was a lollypop and he wanted to lick me raw :P; June 1, 2013 at 11:13 PM
Lady Leo said...: Sista T....where you be??

I've missed you, how are things going? Thanks for reaching out to us. Please post on what's going on in your life, doll!!

xoxo; June 1, 2013 at 11:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Well, you're free to do as you like dear, LOL. Just be aware of the possible consequences of doing so that may occur - like him possibly rejecting you and making you feel worse and more discouraged about dating than you already do. If you think taking that risk is worth it and you can handle the potential negative outcome, go for it. If you can't, don't even consider it as it will set you back.

Dating these days isn't much fun. It's sad but true, particularly for women - unless, that is, you've met a really great guy. In that situation, everything changes. However, when you're meeting entitled fool after arrogant man after mama's boy after man child - yea - it gets old quick, LOL. Because NONE of those types of men have anything to offer a woman. They don't even think of what they can offer a woman, they only think of fulfilling their selfish needs - and that makes them VERY DULL, BORING, PREDICTABLE PEOPLE.

But I would say, don't give up dear. I read a study one time, it stated that on average, modern day women will kiss 75 frogs - yes, 75 - before finding their Prince.

That's a lot of damn work, LOL. Weeding your way through 75 idiots that are hung up on themselves just to find one decent man, LOL. So it's to be expected dear. It's not you - it's simply a sign of the times unfortunately.

Take a break if need be, and then jump back into the water dear - because you never know what might come swimming along next to you :-); June 2, 2013 at 11:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
This one appears to have some real potential dear. So take it slow, don't jog him around too much and give him a real chance.

You may not be experiencing "fire" right now, but let this man make one or two more gestures for you like that - and you'll light up, LOL ;-); June 2, 2013 at 11:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

thanks for your supportive words, I need them now... as for the player - you are right as usual, I would feel even worse if he took me for granted, etc. It´s not a good idea to risk it and I´d better focus on new options. Fortunately, the weekend is over, and from Monday I can focus on my work and get myself together. Thank you again for everything you do for us and wish you all the best.
HopefulWithMen; June 2, 2013 at 12:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror
Please will u be able to give me some advice?

I have been seeing this guy that i used to date 11 years ago but he lives in a different state.

i found him on facebook in oct 2011 and i thought he would be married with kids
we started chatting again getting to know each for a few weeks and he invited me to go up and see him at the end of october we had a great time and it felt like old times

So he then came down to my area at xmas time and went back up to his the february (2012)
We arranged to meet up in the april because he said he was doing a course.
He was always ringing me up but as soon as april came he stopped ringing and it just turned into texts.
we never got together in the april but he was still texting each other constantly.
we had been texting each other for months and i hadnt seen him in over a year.
now fastforward to february this year we were still in touch 2 or 3 times a week, i decided to pull back a bit and he noticed.
he started questioning me to see if i had a boyfriend because i hadnt been that talkative and i said i felt like he didnt like me because he didnt want to see me, he said he did want to see me and he invited me up to his state but all his weekends he just seemed to be busy and it was 6 weeks later i went up.

That was 5 weeks ago i went up there we had a good time and this time i slept with him,but since i have come back home he has disappeared,he does answer my texts but he isnt initiating them.

Have i been a fool mirror?
i feel so stupid,i really care about him.
do u think i should talk to him about it?
i dont know what to do?

Sorry for the long post i appreciate any advice.; June 2, 2013 at 3:28 PM
Lady Leo said...: You're right, Lady MoA.. :)

He called today to ask if I still wanted the car. That they called him back and caved into his offer...plus a full tank of gas. :)

He offered to drive over and pick me up to take me to get the car. Then asked for a second date.

Have to pass on the pick up offer, but accepted the 2nd date. What an interesting Leo he is.

:); June 2, 2013 at 4:07 PM
Anonymous said...: I really need your help guys desperately. Me and my bf is in 4 months relationship. We are still in the process of getting to know each other. He is complaining that im stuborn. He also hates my past relationships which i revealed to him that i do fling instead of serious relationships. He also know that i chased my ex bf and looks like a fool with my ex. In short i revealed too much of my past. When we first get into fight the reasons of me who always sulked over small things and so clingy. He said space is good in the relationship like 1 or 2 days without contact. The first fight we had, he didn't want to talked to me. We didn't talked for 1 week. After that i send him a message and we talked about it and reconcile.

The problem he became distant to me and seems like he is getting bored with the relationship. I asked him why he seems different and he told me that he is just serious now because if he wont then i will not get serious in the relationship. I told him that im serious in the relationship. Still he thinks that im still in fling mode.

For him not to think this. I told him that i was so head over heel in love with him and i was emotionally attached to him. He told me that i should not be so inlove with him and lets take it slow. Another thing is he told me that he loves me but he is not fully committed.

It hurts me so much, but didnt show any emotions when he told me that. He also told me that he is almost breaking up with me during the period that we didnt talked. But he said we are move on now and lets start a new beginning.

However during the past few months he is always against me. Picking a fight over small things. Always looking for small mistakes. He just hate my attitude. I was trying to change the way he wants me to be because i love him so much. But i wonder why my effort still looks like nothing to him.

One day he posted a picture of ice cream in instagram. With my impulsive attitude, i commented "i hope youre as sweet as like that" but i deleted that. I post that 3x and i delete it also 3x. Unfortunately he saw what i did. He told me that he saw what i did in his facebook and after that didnt talked to me. We are not talking now for almost 3 weeks. I said sorry but still he is not replying to my message. I didnt send any apology message after 2 consecutive of no responds from him. We still in a relationship status on facebook so i dont know if he already broke up with me or just need sometimes away from me. He is sensitive man and always giving me silent treatment everytime we are heated. Also he knows i hate silent treatment. What im going to do now? I didnt contact him but still the no contacts is not working with him. Our pictures is still in his facebook and my wall post. He also always go online. We btw in a long distance relationship.; June 3, 2013 at 7:57 AM
virgochick said...: Ladies..I need help

After months of being strong and over him pisces is now doing the "i miss you" texts so true they pick up on the fact you wont play their game anymore and an "I miss You" changes everything? Have I become a bitch that I dont care? Part of me feels a little bad for not caring and hurting him..I hate this!

Twice in the last week he has written this as soon as I start developing feelings for someone else. I really dont know what to do, but my head and heart is saying no. Done this dance too many times with him I cannot bring myself to say anything..but then I question does he mean it? :(

I keep telling myself he never wanted to commit to me and I was just a fwb, now that no one makes him feel good or boosts that ego he is just saying these things to pull me back in..

How do you know :(; June 3, 2013 at 8:36 AM
Peter said...: @MOA and the ladies

Some interesting numerology taking place on this site at the moment in the comment counts. I know MOA is interested in this.

The number 9 is the universal number of the light worker.2 is the symbol of faith a and trust.
The number 92 is featured twice. This is the universal number representing a confirmation that you are under the guidance of the angels. You are under the guidance of angels and should trust your light working path.

If 92 is repeated twice as it is on this site is a universal symbol and sign that something old or lost will be replaced or renewed better than before.

The number 90 means positive emotional change for the best. However it has a special significance for the light worker.0 is a amplification number it means enhancing the potential of the number it''s placed after.90 is the amplification of the light worker.

Its a signal that this a valuable period of manifestation now.; June 3, 2013 at 1:28 PM
CrystalWaters said...: to @LadyLeo and Mirror

@LadyLeo - what a brilliant guy! Wow! Ah man it's so good to read a good story on this site. Maaaaan. Someone's come here with good news. Ah that's so good. I'm so happy for you. You saying no to some of his offers, but not all is making him work for it and see you as a challenge and prize to win. And doing all that for you without asking? And you think there is chemistry too? Oh boy I'm so happy for you. I hope it lasts chick! Enjoy it! You have it all sorted babe!; June 3, 2013 at 3:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoChick,
Read Peter's latest comment here and my response, and then you'll see clearly what he's doing here - so you don't fall for it:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/what-is-the-game-pick-up-artist.html; June 3, 2013 at 4:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Peter has made some EXCELLENT symbolic observations of this site recently ladies.

And just an FYI - my life path number based on my birth date - is 9 ;-)

"Its a signal that this a valuable period of manifestation now."

See that above ladies? Make use of it. Make use of this period right now to manifest the positive change in your life that you are all striving to achieve.

Gemini 50. . .you hearing that, LOL?? ;-); June 3, 2013 at 4:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 2, 3:28 PM,
"he invited me to go up and see him at the end of october we had a great time and it felt like old times"

Not to make you feel worse, but just an FYI for the future - NEVER go to a man in the early days of a relationship - EVER. It immediately gives away your power as a woman, it decreases the woman's value in the man's eyes (it tends to invite poor treatment and being taken for granted) and however a woman BEGINS a relationship with a man - sets the tone for that relationship from that day forward.

So if you start by going to him, giving away your power to him, asking nothing of him in return - then that's exactly what you're going to get later on from him, as you can see here:

"he said he did want to see me and he invited me up to his state"

Now - it's up to YOU to keep this thing going, while he sits back and does nothing but makes excuses.

"but all his weekends he just seemed to be busy"

And he's started taking you for granted. He's not making time for you and expects YOU to drop everything and run to HIM - otherwise, this isn't going to go anywhere.

So by giving up your power early on, he's stolen it from you completely and he's left you powerless. You are now at his whim and responsible for carrying the weight of whether or not this goes anywhere entirely on your shoulders alone.

And he's shifting blame for that not happening and placing it right onto YOUR shoulders. So now, everything hinges on YOU, while he does very little here to work at this with you.

No, you haven't been a fool, you're simply a woman that's made a mistake, as we all do - so join the club, LOL ;-)

"do u think i should talk to him about it?"

No, I don't. Not unless HE expresses a desire to have a "talk" - otherwise, it's a waste of time and he'll only lie to you and string you along and tell you what you want to hear anyway, while he runs off and does whatever he damn well pleases afterward.

"i dont know what to do?"

You go silent - no contact, no response. And you gauge whether or not this man is genuinely interested in you by doing so. He needs to make repeated attempts at contact and he doesn't get a response until he's THOUGHT about what he's done and expresses a desire to rectify his part in it:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

Whenever a man starts behaving badly or taking a woman for granted, she should ALWAYS pull back and make him WORK at it. The worst thing in the world a woman can do during that period is give in to her insecurities and then try harder to win the man over by chasing him.; June 3, 2013 at 5:50 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ VirgoChick,

Action. Action. Action. Not words from him. Action.

Don't give up your Power.

{Hugs!}; June 3, 2013 at 8:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi aphrodite i desperately need your advice.. Im the anonymous in june 3 about the 4 months bf who i had no contact now for about 3 weeks.; June 3, 2013 at 8:44 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and Peter,

June 12, 1962 - if I figured it right, yep, #9.

I don't know what it means, but I hear: pay attention.; June 3, 2013 at 10:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
I KNEW IT..number 9 is the number of the light worker dear ;-)

Maybe Peter can enlighten us with a more detailed explanation...; June 3, 2013 at 10:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MoA,

This guy started talking to me on FB, he is friends with 2 people i know well, so I responded and soon befriended him on it, he saw that i'm still married (I'm going through a divorce)then backed away, we started chatting only friendly he told me that he was looking for a girlfriend, asked me about my friends and i was going to introduce him to one.. then we started chatting more and we just really started liking each other.. told him that my marriage is over but that i'm still living with my husband etc. he seemed all smitten and talked about 'our' future etc. that he didnt mind waiting a few months for the 'one', so over the course of a month, things got quite 'serious',there were even some sexting (he did ask for pics after about two weeks but i said its not a good idea) we were then supposed to meet, on the morning he asked for directions, and also commented that he is looking forward to making love to me, i then said, well maybe.. he then commented, 'chicken legs'.. then 30 minutes before he was due he cancelled saying, he has a bad gut feeling about it and that its wrong etc.. I agreed and said i'd contact him when im a free birdy etc. the next day he texted me kisses, and that night i invited him to meet me in a park the next day, which he agreed.. so we saw each other, we kissed, and he even tried to feel me up at a quiet corner.. which I didnt like so said no.. later that day I texted him saying it was nice to meet him, he replied it was amazing but later that night said that he felt guilty.. so i was like if your not interested just say so.. needless to say thing were then a bit awkward, so a few days later i texted him simply saying 'what a mind boggling week' he answered "yes indeed" and the next morning texted me asking if he should just come over so we can make love.. I replied i cant and he was like 'Aaargh!' then the next day he 'broke up' with me and said we should just be friends till i'm free.. I agreed and that was it..

so a week later, he texts me asking me how I am and saying he wants me, i said i couldnt stop missing him and also wanted him (he was now visiting his mom on her farm so we would not be able to see each other for another 2 months) so here is where the mind games started, i think.. he would suddenly go days without texting or replying.. i always stayed cool about it, when i asked if he was ok or that i missed him, his excuses ranged from, he was sick to being busy etc. so yes by now I should have seen the red flags and yes i should not have kept initiating contact, i get that now... To be continued...; June 4, 2013 at 11:45 AM
Anonymous said...: Continued.... I went to go visit family without my husband and he was suddenly more available to chat, which i liked of course and felt like we were connecting again.. it got a bit sexy again and yet again asked for pics of me, which unfortunately, this time, i agreed to send.. then he got all weird and asked me to send ones that are more in focus.. so I avoided the topic and didnt send him more, and suddenly he ignored me again for 3days.. I then texted him on christmas day, saying merry x-mas, he replied and wished me the same, I then asked to clear the air and asked him to rather tell me when something is up rather than just ignore me.. then he said that it is simply again the fact that i'm still married, and that its wrong.. so I said again I agreed and that I sort of tried to justify it with the fact that my hub decided he is Gay, but yes it still didnt make it right or less complicated, and said i'd still love to be his friend though, he agreed.. then later texted again and said he would still love to just jump my bones, and I replied, hihi, me too.. thinking that, that was the end of it...

then all of a sudden he was texting me again every day, I fell for it and opened myself up for yet another round of texting, sexting and asking for pics... yes I know I needed a slap, but I didnt want to ruin it again, so sent some.. so by now it was all about one thing, no more interest in me, or my day or any real chatting.. eventually it came to the point where we knew we'd see each other in 2 weeks time, he started pulling away again, hardly texting, being only short, and yes, i initiated most of it.. so when we finally met, we went to a park, by now I wanted to end it and promised myself that I would only go to end it...

Unfortunately, he was all loving etc and one thing led to another and we 'did' it.. so I texted him that night, he responded.. the next day, nothing.. then, the next day i texted again, he responded, I continued the converse, but he stopped, didnt answer the next two texts, and feeling quite emotional I then later texted him, to please tell me what is up, as i dont like to make assumptions and just like things straight, he knows that.. so he never replied again.... the next day i sent some kisses, no reply.. then said 'I over reacted, and feel silly about it', no reply.. I then went off the radar for a week.. then sent him a text to ask if 'he knows his status', no reply.. then said that 'I saw this documentary about that and it made me paranoid, so this ends my amazing monolog, take care and all the best', no reply... so three weeks later I just sent one more text saying that 'choosing to just ignore me like that was very disrespectful, very very low, i so did not deserve that, in fact no one could, guess I just never expected that from him', needless to say no reply..

Now I know, I missed every red flag, I fell for him, initiated contact too many times... etc.I just feel so bad, so rejected, so ashamed about it, havent been able to concentrate on anything, and have missed him so much! This was now 4 months ago...

so I have two questions, please give me your perspective on the situation and can I text him the following...? "peace! Although we had no proper goodbye, and it all just went way too far.. I still wish you only the best, cos I really cared about you then! Hope you're kicking ass and splashing that talent all over the place! :)

he is an Aries, an artist, was living with his dad again for the last year and is trying to sell his new art.. he is 37, never been married, last real relationship he had was about 3 years ago, since then he only had 3 month flings, as he calls them...; June 4, 2013 at 11:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 4, 2013, 11:45 AM,
No disrespect dear, but unless you're a glutton for punishment, I see absolutely no reason whatsoever to give this guy the time of day, let alone send him a friendly text that wishes him well - so he can suck you back in, use you all over again, and then disappear - again.

This guy was CLEARLY out for only ONE THING from DAY ONE - SEX. Asking for the pics, harping on the issue way too soon, exhibiting overconfidence about the fact that he felt he was going to sleep with you early on. And each time you hesitated on the issue, he bolted on you - again, signaling that his sole intention was to have sex with you and disappear on you - which is exactly what he did.

And his guilt had nothing to do with your marriage - his guilt stemmed from the fact that he was using you for sex.

Be glad he's gone and leave him in the past - or you're going to willfully walk right into a situation where you are used - again.

Find yourself a better man - one that appreciates you :-); June 4, 2013 at 3:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you MoI! Reading trhough the whole story again kind of opened my eyes as well, so abvious actually... I just hung too much on all his nice loving words and declarations, instead of looking at it objectively, watching his actions and being honest with myself... I won't contact him again.

Thank you for all the wonderful articles you have written, wish I found them ages ago!; June 4, 2013 at 3:34 PM
CrystalWaters said...: Dear @Anonymous Jun 4, 2013, 11:45 AM,

I hope you don't mind me also saying something. I read your story.

Please listen to Mirror and do not send him any communication. She is 100% correct in this case.

Sometimes we make too many mistakes from the beginning and it can never be recovered. You've reflected on it and analysed it to even highlight all your mistakes yourself so you know deep down.

Good luck, learn from it but I beg you not to contact him. You will get hurt and feel like sh^t. Think of him as a mistake that you learnt from.

I was with an Aries and they can be buggers if you've chased them this much and there is no going back.

Blessings,
CW; June 4, 2013 at 4:13 PM
Peter said...: @MOA and Gemini50

Number 9 is indeed the number of the light worker and its a sacred number too. With regard to the light worker significance number 9 means a lot of things.

First of all as number 9 is the number of completion or ascention. Some clutures call this enlightenment.

It is a universal sign that you under this life path number are a natural light worker and you have inbuilt insight....or intuition into the positive areas of life. To have the number 9 means your path in life is to move through life in service to others through bring the "light". To see it repeatedly as I explained above is a sign that the universe is confirming your path.

Recently a placement of 9 happened on this site. There were 9 number 9's on the site. This a very symbolic placement in numerology and in anceint times this is sacred. It represents a that now is the cycle of time for light workers to appear and is the closing of the previous life phase and opening of another.It means you as a natural light worker will be aligning with time and so be reaching a time when you can be at your best. It is a closig of the old life and moving to the new.

In another lightworker related pattern here on the site there is a repeated 9 and 11 theme with a reverse 119, and many 9 and 11 appearing repeatedly. In numerology when this happens it is known as the sacred 911 and in some cultures it is the god number. It is a universal signal to all light workers to go an work. In numerology terms to see that means that the light workers are gathered and now they must work and move forward. Repeated 9 also means you will be rewarded for passing through tests.

The number 9 was worshipped as the sacred female number, it represented the divine female nature (placed in 39 it represents duality, with 3 representing well a...person with a more difficult nature or in some cultures it represents the trinity..and destruction). It represents the inner softness and intuitive skills of the female. If it is yor life path number then you will naturally be more attuned to reflective learning, stepping back and being intuitive. In many pyshology studies on dreams 9 represents the unconscious mind.

You even have a color a power color..or even a balancer color which is most suited to your nature which is violet. You will pulled to either reflect or seek those who can "sort things out" as these people will balance you during you less intuitive moments they act as a pull in your moments of confusion.

In christianity 9 is the order of angels. In signs of crisis 9 will repeat itselt..it is a signal that the earth has fallen under evil influence. Which is again thought to be a signal of the need of the lightworker more than ever. All call to the lightworker.

It would be easy to dismiss this but there has been a lot of scientific work to support the number 9 being of vital importance.; June 4, 2013 at 4:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I'm feeling rather upset to the stomach actually and I'm trying to get a bit of perspective.

This guy I've been chatting for a few months, I'm not sure if it's casually dating or not as I've not been on a date with him yet.

Well I've looked on a social media site and I've seen that he's been friendly with another girl, not really flirty but I think there might be an undertone in his message back to her but not sure for definite.

It's made me feel upset as I've not heard from him for 2wks and he always initiates and it makes me feel that he's putting his energy into contacting her, when he could be contacting me.

I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting to this??? as we've not been on a date etc. but it makes me think that his thoughts are not with me and it's made me anxious.

I know I should be dating other men but difficult at the moment. I've been testing his level of interest and this is the longest he's gone not contacting me, is 2wks normal for casual dating? Would you class this as a disappearing man yet? Everything was great when we last communicated I kept him waiting 3 days and he got back to me straight away. So it's for him to initiate now and it's 2wks, I feel a bit sick to the stomach when I see him messaging this girl but I don't know whether I'm blowing it out of proportion coz I've not heard from him. Coz I'm testing his level of interest but I still feel he is in control even though I'm pulling back, so is he too and then taking a long time to spring back to me and it feels a bit frightening that he may not have any serious intentions of stepping up and progressing things.

I've not noticed anything else on his social media site, so this is the first.

I don't feel able to move on yet. Can I say anything to him in terms of meeting up because if he does not intend to do so then it's a waste of time. I feel like I'm in hot water as through no choice of my own (circumstances) unfortunately I've had to put my eggs in one basket and I really don't want to get my fingers burnt.

Is this ok/normal what he is doing and should I overlook it. Can you help?

Thank you; June 4, 2013 at 5:21 PM
Anonymous said...: I've just posted about the guy that's been keeping me waiting 2 wks. I've just seen 22.22 on the clock and doreen virtue say's it's about manifesting and don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle - god knows if need one!; June 4, 2013 at 5:25 PM
KK said...: Just read your PUA article, disgusting and I found myself shaking my head a lot but I do relate to this - Entitlement is not a good quality in a man and if you "call out" an entitled man, you can easily punk him down in a heartbeat and send him packing like a scared little boy. - Already done/happened.
I am noticing things about Pisces regarding his insecurity, ways he has tried to manipulate me - saying after I brought it up or flat out asked him, "I'm not a player, I'm not playing you ok?, not that kind of guy" trying to convince me, but never saying or doing anything different to actually prove he is not a 'player'. I feel like I see right through him now, and although at times I did feel ok with him - secure, had no doubts, felt good with him, the insecurity or 'gut feelings' were/are far greater. I remember asking if he was sleeping with anyone else (not because I was insecure and going to act on my jealousy) it was a serious, health related question, I just wanted to look out for myself. No official answer or reassurance, just "nope, no time sorry" - he was trying to convince me he had no time for anybody else, but that wasn't exactly the point.
Analyzing a lot still, he's very back and forth, I find his true feelings are hidden, he isn't able to 'man-up' and doesn’t have any actual ‘balls’ – they’re in his purse lol. But at the same time, I'm seeing him for who he truly is too (true self). He actually posted something on his FB last week which made me sick and made me laugh at the same time. "That's why the girls are always running after me" - NO(he's just covering the real deal or truth)I know for a fact that no 'girls' or women are chasing him, his insecurities are surfacing again, which makes him scared and he feels the need to 'control' the situation - whatever it may be. Doesn't make him look good at all. He is still chasing or running after what he can't have (Law of Scarcity at play) (that other woman) cyber stalking her really, being obsessive. She's in a relationship now and maybe never wanted him - rejected him. That's also Karma, he rejected me many times and now he has to experience that feeling. (Sorry if I sound bitter) It's just how things work unfortunately.
I will admit, I've been tempted to say something to him, either by text or on FB, but I haven't and I won't, I immediately remind myself of what he did and what I'm doing now is only fair, he doesn't deserve my time or attention. The only thing I expect from him is an apology, for the insult last week which was the lowest of the low, and one of the 'Players' tactics, I've read that and bookmarked it. I didn't react to it though, it's all 'tests'. I LOL'd big time today at another thing I saw, he all of a sudden is in the market for a new truck(yet had financial trouble and his current vehicle is probably fine) - I'm out of the loop now as I have not heard anything prior to this, and usually I do, or have before, I was included. So that saddened me a bit. His choice though. He blasted it and said "who's coming for a test drive?" - not specifically asking anyone to go with him (the proper thing to do is personally invite someone), making things easy on himself. Nobody seemed interested, even a friend of his said "nobody cause you have no friends" – maybe, truth hurts, his response? A laugh and an insult to the friend. Typical(deflect). I would've been interested had he asked me to go with him, he had all day to ask. I live near the dealership, he actually has to drive past my house twice to get there and back. He posted pictures of it (hoping to get a reaction). I was the one who told him a truck would suit him more when I first met him, the make of the truck? Something I'm a fan of. I don't know if this is coincidence or not. Or just another ploy at receiving some attention.; June 4, 2013 at 11:53 PM
KK said...: But all of that 'crap' aside.
I looked into some numerology, I was seeing 333. http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.ca/2011/08/angel-number-333.html - This explains it and makes a lot of sense, relates to finding you Mirror and the other ladies, also 2 good friends who have been 'counselling' me through this, or as the page states 'Angels'. Interesting.
Then it got a little weird, I thought back to a day with Pisces, we did some winter activities and went snowmobiling, this was the 2nd time I had done that with him, but it was different, I remember feeling so uneasy and uncomfortable and I was also experiencing pain (no explanation why) - we weren't out that long, or had been that far and hadn't done anything else to account for my discomfort. I stopped him before a hill, I was in a panic, nervous, uneasy, etc. I apologized saying "I'm sorry, I just can't do this today, we need to turn around and go back, I can't explain it, I just don't feel right" - He was a little disappointed but took us back and seemed concerned about me and even drove a bit slower and avoided anything that could make me feel worse.
He got into an accident a month later, after me constantly telling him to 'be careful'. Injured parts of his body: ribs, back and legs. Parts of my body I was experiencing pain a month earlier: ribs, back and legs.
I would have to inquire on the exact location where the accident happened and where I stopped him (maybe we were nearby or I was close to it that day) but now isn't the time for that and it could freak him out. It still freaks me out. But I just KNEW something would happen. Not jumping to conclusions and not saying I may be a lightworker or have 'abilities' but I do acknowledge things like this and I am open to it; accepting.; June 4, 2013 at 11:54 PM
Anonymous said...: cont ..June 4, 2013 at 5:21 PM

with the 2 wk guy I forgot to mention it was the girl who initiated and he responded which is fine but I was concerned of possible encouragement from him to her

Thank you; June 5, 2013 at 8:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
Everyone has a life purpose dear and everyone has abilities of some sort - they're primal survival skills from long, long ago that have only been ignored and dismissed by mankind - not removed. They still remain.

Intuition is a survival skill from primal times. Once you begin to acknowledge it and become "aware" of it, it will begin to "guide" you in a sense - towards positive things and/or away from dangerous things. It will sense when danger is near in the form of a person, place, situation, etc. and it is fleeting generally. Meaning, usually, it's a "flash" feeling - one received in the first 3-5 seconds of an event, meeting, etc. Then logic kicks in and rationalizes it away and dismisses it.

Pay attention to those nagging, persisting, fleeting feelings gals - that's your intuition speaking to you :-); June 5, 2013 at 9:40 AM
Beatbox said...: Hi Mirror

My (now) ex and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. We met in the school hostel. I am 28, he is a year younger and this was my first relationship. When I first met him he was genuine, funny and awkward in a very endearing way. I was not aware of his interest for me and always went out when he invited me to join him and his classmates for drinks. New in the city, I was obliging and never turned down an invitation. In fact I heard he got together with another girl in his class so I didn't give him any consideration. But he started to ask me out to art galleries, to see the town because he said parents were coming down to see him and wanted to know where to bring them. His parents didn't really come down soon after. I was taken in by his consideration for his parents and the fact that he spoke with them everyday on the phone. At that time it did not work out with another girl did not work out and she gave him the cold shoulder (I was around to witness that). Another mutual friend even told us about the drama between them they saw from afar on a night out. I never asked about it, and just continued to enjoy my first experiences in the city.

One night he asked me out for drinks and made his feelings clear. I kissed him that drunken night but didn't invite him back to my room. I was scared but flattered, more tired so I slept off the alcohol. He then texted and asked to see me more often. We also gathered alot with mutual friends. We were seeing each other and he made dinner for me and I gave him my first. That night he teased me about losing my virginity. I wasn't impressed and had a lot of feelings seeing that bit of blood when I was in the toilet. But he then brought me home to his parents together with our friends. He had told his parents about me and he had been pleasant after that. I thought maybe he was slightly immature and I could look past that.

The relationship progressed on but he was always hesitant to call it a relationship. I also understood that he was quite hesitant about finances and made it clear that we'd go 50/50 on dates and things because his last girlfriend was demanding and always made him buy things for her. From my conversations with his parents it did seem like he was deeply affected by her. I had to be careful even to put away knives when I was speaking with him in the kitchen. I respected that and gave freely to the relationship. But I found it a bit strange that he insisted we split the cost for contraception (I thought guys should pay). We moved in together into an apartment in our 2nd year. I was so happy, he said he had lived with flatmates so many times and very rarely has it worked out as smoothly as it did for us. He made the effort to celebrate my birthdays, made a cake, bought cards and flowers. He was so genuine and loving. I continued to accompany him for every trip made back to his parents and he said his parents really like me. I witnessed his parent's wedding. I thought it was beautiful that two people managed to stay together for 30 years just like that, without any expectations on each other. I bought the whole story.
(cont); June 6, 2013 at 4:25 AM
Beatbox said...: We continued the relationship and we were there for each other’s graduations. He said he had never felt more comfortable with anyone, saying that he could be child-like around me. After graduation, he started sending CVs out to look for a job in the country but did not get any replies after two months. He looked to the country where I am from and incidentally got offered a job there. He said he had always wanted to go to travel and live in another country anyway. He said we could be together after I come back from finishing my further studies, which I had another 1.5 years more to go. I helped him settle there, he lived with my parents for a while, taking my bedroom and I visited him 2 months after he left. I even travelled with his mother and brought her around the city while he was busy at work. He bought flowers for valentines day, a really large bunch of flowers that he wrapped himself, and while it was funny carrying it around the mall, I really appreciated it and thought he loved me. His mother left after a few days and I stayed around for a few weeks more. He started saying that he could not meet his friends with me around. I asked to meet his friends, like he would do back in the day, but he said they were weird and I wouldn’t like them. Then he said he preferred to be with me since I was around. I was baffled but thought he was being a little childish, endearing to a point he thought I was his comfort zone. On one occasion over breakfast he said that it was normal for guys to move from city to city and change girlfriends, and cited mutual friends we know who did that. I cried because I thought he was trying to suggest something. My father picked up on it and got mad. Knowing my father’s temper I told him by text to go straight to his room when he got back from work. He buckled and said he wanted to meet me outside the house to talk things out. I was ready for him to break up with me, but he said no, he didn’t mean it, and apologised for it. He kept asking how and what he could do about it. We talked about things over and he agreed to wait for me. But I think telling him about how my father thought he should put something down in writing for us to be together (which I thought was also ridiculous and said no such thing should happen) stunned him a little. I left the country to go back to my studies and we had a teary goodbye at the airport. I thought from then on I had to try to do more to maintain the relationship from afar. It continued for 4 months more and we continued to text and skype. I did a lot of the initiating of conversations, I wanted to show concern and he said was always tired from work. I wondered if he lost interest but he would always reply my texts with long responses. A few weeks ago we had a heart to heart and he urged me to open my heart and I let him in on my deepest issues. I thought he wanted to take our relationship further and he wanted to really know me. However two days ago he called and said the long distance was a problem for him and said he wanted to continue contact but remove the bf/gf label. He said he still felt very strongly for me and he still wanted to talk to me. He said he does not want to see anyone and wanted our relationship to be stronger. I tried to be understanding and said it must be a lot to go through being alone and he said he can’t help his hormones. That’s when I got angry and cried and I was very subdued in this but cried a lot but told him I can’t talk to him after this. He said to please talk to him, he didn’t want to lose me, but he’d understand if I didn’t want to speak to him after this. The thing that weirded me out, thinking about it, is that when I was crying, he said he didn’t want to put down the phone now, because I would never talk to him again, and said that he is crying and there is a tear rolling down his cheek. I’m inclined to thinking he has a psychological problem, who cries like that? In fact, to be honest, I have never seen him cry in the time I have known him.

(cont); June 6, 2013 at 4:26 AM
Beatbox said...: I was trying to be civil and called his parents to tell them I was sending his things over. They were deeply disappointed with him and even his mother said I deserved better. They urged me to move on but I felt a lack of empathy when they said these things happen and even laughed when I told them about his hormones comment. A lot of drama happened after that involving a misunderstanding about what was said – basically to the point of accusing my dad of forcing him to sign a contract and my dad threatened to look him up at the office if he didn’t retract what he said. Basically it was the “getting it down in writing” bit that was twisted and I think he had been trying to justify to his parents why he had to do this. They tried to call me to tell my father not to do anything or they would call the police. I said I believed my father was a smart guy and wouldn’t do something foolish. The whole thing ended with his mother calling me, saying she was exhausted, hadn’t a wink of sleep and said to me to accept that this was an irrational decision and there is no point in trying to reason this out. At first it felt like I could possibly keep in touch with his parents because we had a bond but the drama sort of diminished the possibility of further contact.

I feel happier, better, sexier, to be honest, and realised that his negligence was the reason I started to stress-eat and neglect myself. I know now to be around people who value me because I am only as good as how I let people treat me. I am back to the person who first started out in this city, carefree, I feel attractive, I keep receiving comments on how great I look these days because I started dressing better to help the process. I’m sorry this was a bit long but I want to know how to move on and deal with this in the future, like when he starts to contact me again. I’d like to know if you think this guy is worth keeping and if he does try, and he will have to try very, very hard, and how I should react.; June 6, 2013 at 4:26 AM
Anonymous said...: My man disappeared. Things were going wonderfully and then he disappeared. It's the second time this has happened with him. Although still in love with him, I can't do this again and have made the decision it's time to ask for my belongings from him to "end whatever this is". I honored the no-contact rule and waited 44 days until I texted him and asked how he was and politely asked for clothing I left at his place. He didn't responded. I waited another 12 days and asked again. There is still no response. I almost want to leave it alone at this point and "forget" my belongings. I don't want to text a third time to look needy or nagging because then it may appear to be "chasing" and that's not I want. What is your take on why there is no response, please? Thank you.; June 6, 2013 at 10:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Beatbox,
Me personally, I would not issue a second chance here. This guy was living in your parents home and potentially seeing women other than their daughter. All your father was doing was attempting to send this guy a message - a serious one - and given that this man was residing in his home, he had a right to do so. Maybe the way he went about it or the overall suggestion of exactly what to do was wrong, but basically, your father was "testing" this guy's "kahunas" - seeing what he was really made of - and he wanted to impress a "commitment" onto the issue.

And I can't blame him. He's housing this guy who could be potentially hurting his daughter - and he wanted this guy to "man up" over the issue.

And let me tell you, when a man's parents get involved, it's a nightmare. I've dealt with this issue before with my ex, whom was a grown man in his late 30's at the time, but had his mother call me to hash out details of our divorce, all while he ran around town getting arrested, into trouble, quit his job, had a pregnancy scare with some chick. . .I could go on and on but I won't.

My point is, your father had a right to get involved because - he was HOUSING this guy in his home. This guy's mother had NO BUSINESS getting involved because you weren't living with them and he's a grown man who should handle his own problems (particularly those of which HE CREATED HIMSELF).

It's about accountability basically. Your dad was attempting to hold him accountable for his actions while living in HIS home, while this guy's mother was attempting to minimize this guy's accountability (an an enabler to him in a sense) by swooping in and attempting to clean up this guys mess - that HE created all by himself.

So no, there would be no second chance from me. He's proved himself here already and he proved to be a less than honorable. And when your father attempted to make him honorable in some fashion and accountable (as a man should be), this guy basically hid behind the safety of his mother's apron strings in a sense (by letting her get involved). And if the mother had issues with the living situation or your father's behavior, she should've phoned your father, not you, because he's the man HOUSING HER SON.

Not a good quality dear - it signals him as an immature "man child" and when the going gets rough - he puts on his tennis shoes and runs, signaling that he's also an escapist.

He's broken your trust and that of your family - and when there's no trust, there's nothing to build on :-(; June 6, 2013 at 5:53 PM
Beatbox said...: Hi Mirror

Sorry I didn't mention this, but he had moved out at the time of the breakup, which was 4 months after the period my father got involved in this was when he was still living with us and I was in town for a visit.

Basically I determined he has sociopathic tendencies - he had leeched off me when we were together, staying in my room while he wrote out CVs and looked for a job. Now that he is miles away, he has moved out of my house, and found his own place, he feels no need for me anymore, and that's basically the motivation behind why he has 'no feelings' for me anymore. The way he ended the relationship by saying how he had tears rolling down his cheek and tried strangely to sniff once, I think that speaks volumes. He is a coward. causing distress to his mother and I think he is very much like his father - someone to definitely stay away from. They had absolutely no empathy for my situation.

I wish I had picked up on his sociopathic behaviour earlier, things like saying he'd leave me if I got fat, blaming me for all his problems etc. What a coward.

Please, people, do not believe them when they say that "it's modern culture or normal" to change partners with moving. It's not.; June 6, 2013 at 9:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Your blog has been the ONLY thing that has given me some sort of solace these last two miserable weeks. I'm hoping to hear your thoughts on my situation.

I recently got back in touch with an old friend on Facebook. We were always close for years, confided in one another and always had crushes on each other, but were always dating others, which prevented us from ever dating. About 7 years ago, we lost touch, as I was going through some personal things at the time, and lost touch with many of my friends. When we were reacquainted, we discussed that time where we lost touch. He said he was very hurt, and kept calling me to no avail. I apologized and he accepted. He said he would never let me disappear on him again.

As the month went on, we got very close and shared our feelings were still the same for each other. He was so sweet and fun in his lengthy emails and texts. It was as if no time passed at all! He has been traveling in Europe for work for the past 3 weeks, so we discussed plans to meet once he got back. He continuously told me how much he missed me and how he couldn't wait to see me. He did all of the chasing, and it felt wonderful! Then, all of the sudden, two weeks ago, he disappeared. No more texts, no more email, no more Facebook "LIKES." Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated, to say the least. I found your blog and as a result, have not made contact with him at all since he vanished. He did tell me in the beginning that he is dating someone, but they were having complications and almost broke up a few weeks prior. He has since returned to the states, and he is posting on Facebook, so I know he is alive and well. I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm sad and hurt and confused, and blaming myself for I don't know what! I was hoping we could have met as friends and who knows, maybe in the future when he was single, we could take our feelings further. Do you think that he disappeared to see if I would pursue him because HE is worried that I will disappear again? Do you think that my situation is completely hopeless? Do you think that I will ever hear from I'm again? Should i not post on my Facebook (to other friends) anymore, as he can see what I post. He did visit my profile yesterday- does that mean anything? Do I continue no contact? Your opinion means so much to me and I am ready to completely adhere to whatever advice you give me! I don't know where to turn and hoping you can help my tears from flowing. Thank you for listening!!; June 7, 2013 at 1:08 PM
Mltn said...: Me again. So, it's been 15 days. But now I'm starting to run into my co-worker around the office. Meetings, in the hall. And every time, my stomach just drops and I get kind of shaky. I haven't been tempted to contact him, but seeing him is so hard. And I feel pretty juvenile just walking past him without acknowledging him, but I don't know what else I can do? On the one hand, I kind of feel like he should have to face me and deal with his screw-up, so it's good that he has to run into me, but on the other hand now I feel like going hermit-crab in my office and hiding so I don't have to see him.

Did I mention we're in our 40s? This is so juvenile.; June 7, 2013 at 1:52 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Anonymous June 7, 1:08

So sorry you are hurting. What is important here is YOU, not him. You have seen him active on social networks, so he is alive and kicking... no worries there.

By him not contacting you, he is demonstrating he is putting himself first. You need to do the same for you.

Sometimes people do things that don't make sense, and we don't understand. Ms. Mirror is the pro at explaining motives and intentions... and it's always good to hear her take on what is motivating these guys.

But in truth, his motivation will just show you what to look out for in the future; what matters is that you recover stronger than before, learn from this, and become aware of whatever signs I'm sure Ms. Mirror will point out so that you are prepared next time (with him or any other man -- yes, they ALL seem to reappear) ;)

Do things and be around people that bring you comfort. Once you can begin to breath and see clear again, then think about whatever Ms. Mirror says... just let it sink in. As Ms. Mirror has said, sometimes doing nothing is doing something.

It hurts when other people behave without any consideration to how it will impact us... especially people we've trusted, cared for and thought cared for us. It hurts when our hopes and dreams disappear because they included another person, and that person changes their mind.

Just keep breathing and the tears will ease dear... his behavior is about him, not you. Believe in yourself! :); June 7, 2013 at 7:31 PM
Lady Leo said...: Doesn't matter the age, doesn't matter the circumstances, if a man disappears on you, LET HIM! Have your own private goodbye, stop trying to figure out why and go make yourself happy!

Nice Leo guy who helped me negotiate the car deal last week and asked for a 2nd date, did not follow up with a specific date. Three days ago I told him about some recent post-op biopsy results which show my cancer cells still present and I need more surgery. It's minor, and I will be fine, but it's still cancer. He seemed to freak out cause his parents both dies of cancer. He said he'd call the next day and didn't. No texts/calls for 3 days till tonight. Left a vm that due to the horrible rain here he's had to work mandatory OT and had a few mins to call. I get that he works for the elec company and does have to work 16 hr days but he also has 5 minutes when he goes to the john to send a message. So, I won't return his call or text for 3 days.

Mirror, mirror on the wall....LOL I shall mirror him. Know why? Cus I am a very valuable, vibrant woman and lots more men on the dating site want to meet me. So if he wants my time and company he needs to hop to it :P

PS...the awful Aries from 4 months ago who I had to bluntly tell to go away...has resurfaced. lol. messaged me asking if I wanted to try to meet for coffee. No "Hi, how are you..." nada..I didnt want him then, so why would he think I wanted him now?

The only one who hasn't returned is the Sag who I cared about. And you know what...? I think that is DEF to my benefit.; June 7, 2013 at 9:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 7, 1:08,
As Gemini 50 has pointed out here dear, the "why" doesn't really matter, particularly when the woman has done nothing in the manner of an over reactive nature. In those cases, it's not a "me" problem, it's a "he" problem.

Chances are this had nothing to do with you and he's reconciled with the woman he was dating. And most likely, you'll experience a reappearance from him when that sours again, LOL. It's not a guarantee, but in this case, there's a high likelihood of that, particularly if you remain in no contact with him - his curiosity will get the best of him (why isn't she freaking out? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?) And his ego will force him to come out of the shadows to seek an answer as to why he wasn't such a fantastic guy that you didn't bother to chase him down and wrestle him to the ground, LOL ;-)

You have that dynamic working to your advantage here in this particular case.

Continue no contact, continue living your life as if this never happened, continue moving forward, continue dating other men and continue with your Facebook activities as you normally would. Don't "react" differently in any way as men pick up on this behavior and assume it's happening because they're so wonderful and you're so hurt. Translation: They've won. Because as I've said before, dating is akin to sport and competition with men:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/predator-or-prey-dating.html

And if you always remember that - then they can play their little game - while you get to be the coach ;-); June 8, 2013 at 11:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and all ladies,

I usually return to this site at the weekend as I don´t have much time during the week. Each time the mood here feels a little different. This time, although there are some exceptions, I feel a relatively cheerful spirit, despite a few sad stories. It will be due to Mirror´s consistent teaching - it seems to me that most ladies who have been reading her advice for a sufficient amount of time have already absorbed her message.

@Lady Leo

I am thinking about your condition and wish you a successful and complete recovery. As for the helpful Leo man - I wouldn´t blame him for pulling back because it´s natural for men to distance a bit, as Mirror always says. Maybe he felt that it was developing too fast and needed a little break to inhale. And I wouldn´t condemn him for pulling back because of the information about your disease. Of course that it frightened him but it would most men. And you have known each other for very short, it means you can´t be sure how he would react if he knew you longer. Relations between people sometimes change fundamentally for the better or worse over time and you can´t know now how he would behave in the future. So I think you shouldn´t condemn him just because he didn´t bear the information about your health condition. I would definitely allow him to pull away for as long as he needs to and later, when he is ready, give him a chance. At least I feel it that way.

I wish everybody a beautiful and happy weekend.
HopefulWithMen; June 8, 2013 at 2:02 PM
Anonymous said...: "... that you didn't bother to chase him down and wrestle him to the ground, LOL"

Well put. This is why we love you, Miss Mirror! :-); June 8, 2013 at 3:36 PM
Anonymous said...: @Beatbox
He told you he´d leave you if you got fat... If I were you, I´d listen to MoA and close this chapter of my life forever. He doesn´t deserve a single extra minute of your time, he´s had his chance already, hasn´t he.; June 9, 2013 at 4:31 PM
scornedgirl said...: Hi there mirror, you might remember me, scorned girl, who posted here last month regarding my reappearing man.

Just want to ask: how does a disappearing man play his cards when the girl who was so into him suddenly turns cold?

I'm asking this because I didn't contact him anymore and I constantly remind him of how much he is missing by updating my facebook with events that I'm participating. I have expected that maybe he'd call or something, but he didn't. Instead, he started to talk about how relationships shouldn't be without trust and even switched his relationship status to be "in a relationship". He changed it to "in a complicated relationship" (ironically, that's how I feel as well)later on. Then he deleted the whole thing!

The man is an enigma. I think there's somebody else. Chances are, I'm no.3, or no. 4, maybe even 10 on his list if he's gone for no.2 while kept me kind of hanging on.

Or is he doing that on purpose? To trick me? Such mind games could very well be imaginary...

I have accepted that fact that I might never be with him. Still there is this suffocating attraction and a flicker of hope.

That being said, I live my own life. I'm starting to enjoy spending time with my best girl friends.I feel more independent than ever. It's just that it'll be nice to have a man in my life.; June 9, 2013 at 11:18 PM
Anonymous said...: "Just want to ask: how does a disappearing man play his cards when the girl who was so into him suddenly turns cold?"

Based on my experience, 1) he either seeks you out to make amends because he is genuinely interested, 2) realizes it's too much work (because he wasn't into you to begin with) and never contacts you again or, 3)throws you a few texts here and there to see if you will "bite" and once he gets what he wants, disappears again.

When a guy reappears, the only thing you can do is go by his actions- observe observe observe and see if he has changed. Imagine him with a big sign on his forehead that says "PROCEED WITH CAUTION."

This man may very well be trying to play mind games with you but as MOA repeatedly says on here, if he is genuinely interested, he will reach out to you. And it's not only about reaching out, but pay attention to what he says and does when he reaches out.

I know it's difficult but try to move on, enjoy your time with your girlfriends and don't close yourself off to meeting other men. That's what No Contact is all about!; June 11, 2013 at 1:08 PM
Mltn said...: Well, ghost man has re-materialized. After 17 days of NC. No request for a talk, but he has contacted me. Then, because we work together, I did have to talk to him at a meeting, and he has continued trying to engage me in random chatter that I am ignoring.

I don't have a good feeling, because I think he'd rather just paper over the whole disappearance episode (using work as an excuse to talk) rather than address the elephant in the room. He's also not making his intentions clear (i.e., friends or romance?).

One good thing is that I've seen how immature he is. It lessened my interest/attraction, so that even if he tries harder to engage me or wants to date, I'm not feeling very receptive, kwim?

I knew intellectually that this would be the case if I just stepped back and gave NC a chance, but I'm sad at the loss of my illusions about who he was and what we might have together after 7 years of building toward something that he ran away from. If he can't even communicate about what happened and what he wants, it's not worth my time or the hassle/drama of dealing with him. I just still can't believe that he messed with a nearly decade-long friendship for something that he wasn't even sure if he really wanted. Sigh.

But they do resurface. The man who resurfaces isn't the man you thought you cared for, though.; June 11, 2013 at 1:47 PM
Crystal Waters said...: To Anoymous on June 7, 2013 at 1:08 PM

"Should i not post on my Facebook (to other friends) anymore, as he can see what I post. He did visit my profile yesterday- does that mean anything? "

He visited your Facebook profile? If so, how do you know who visits your facebook profile?; June 11, 2013 at 3:25 PM
Mltn said...: Well, further update. It's day 20 since I started no contact (with allowances for contact that I had to have with him because of work). Today he apologized for hurting me, said he was an idiot, got confused/overwhelmed, isn't good at communication, etc. And I'm giving him another shot. :); June 11, 2013 at 4:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn,
Well at least he "manned up" and did the right thing - fingers crossed - I hope it's a happy ending :-); June 11, 2013 at 5:00 PM
CrystalWaters said...: @Mitn,

That's great news that Mirror's NC advice has worked for you and you stuck to it. You can hold your head up high! So happy for you.

What star sign is he and you if I may ask?

Take it slow....don't dive right in and be all over him though...is all I would say...start over like it's a new beginning. I dived right back in once and got my heart burned a second time. Never again. Make him work for it in a natural way.

Good luck :); June 11, 2013 at 5:34 PM
Anonymous said...: Mltn, that's great. As I read your first post I had a feeling he would come around. Was thinking maybe you'd have to ask him what his intentions are. And I think mirror will say that kind of a question is a bad idea. Is it mirror? How would he know what's on your mind otherwise? But you do know each other a very long time so he figured it out and came through. So happy for you :); June 12, 2013 at 3:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Was thinking maybe you'd have to ask him what his intentions are. And I think mirror will say that kind of a question is a bad idea. Is it mirror?"

Yes, it's a bad idea and that type of "pressure" is what sends men running, so hitting them with that upon a return, will only send them running again.

"How would he know what's on your mind otherwise?"

He doesn't need to know what's on her mind, it's none of his business. That's the number one mistake women make with men - sharing every little thought, every little fear, every little worry, every little question - it's too much and it places the man in the position of "therapist" instead of "fun."

I suggest women share what's on their mind with their girlfriends and with their man - observe.

He doesn't need to know what's on her mind here because SHE is the one that gets to make a choice - not him. And if a woman attempts to use WORDS that a man tells her to make her decision, it's a lost cause because many men will simply lie and tell a woman what they think she wants to hear anyway - which defeats the entire purpose of using the information to make a decision. Because then, you're basing your entire decision upon his possible lies. It's pointless.

Instead, I suggest she make her decision based on his ACTIONS and not his WORDS. And to do this, she needs to observe his behavior because that's what's going to signal his intentions. His words are just that - only words. But his actions won't lie and they will reveal his true intentions.

So I'd sit back, observe, observe and then observe some more - and I'd expect to see ACTIONS. Such as requesting dates, making time for her, keeping regular communication between them going to PROVE he's WORKING to move this forward.

And I'd suggest she use THAT to determine her final decision and leave the words to the wind ;-); June 12, 2013 at 3:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello..I came across this post a couple of days ago and decided to apply it on a guy I like but who hasn't asked me out yet..he has been appearing and disappearing just like that so when he was suppose to visit me and didn't come and didn't pick my two calls I decided to use this on him:-) .he called me 4 days later which i didnt pick up. I also waited 3 days and texted him..he normally don't reply text messages unless he has an interest in it..but he did reply this text with the text I sent him!..I actually sent the sample text in the passage word for word..now am wondering whether its because he is angry that is why he did that or am overreacting..he is a young lawyer and am a law student..he is always using his work as an excuse..what do I do?; June 13, 2013 at 11:34 AM
Lady Leo said...: Hello all:

The nice Leo lineman who helped negotiate my car stood me up tonight :( .

I sensed it. His words stopped matching his actions. Ever since I told him of my (minor) cancer situation, he started pulling back. Said he'd call the next day, then didn't. First mistake: I texted 2 days later asking if the cancer thing scared him off. He replied not at all, just working out of town due to all the storms here (power company repair) and apologized for not getting back to me. I didnt reply for a day, noticed him checking out my profile. Sent a text saying hi next day, he replied saying he thought Id given up on him. I replied asking why he thought that. No reply. 2 days later he texted asking me out for tonight. (3 days in adv so I agreed). mistake #2: I called him that night, left a message offering to meet in his area since he came to mine first time. No reply from him. Mistake #3,2 days later (yesterday)I emailed saying I was surprised he didn't reply to my offer and if he wasn't feeling this anymore, let's cancel. He replied immediately saying no, not at all and claiming he is on mandatory OT, working 16 hr days and night shift. Said he didn't know if he was coming or going and didnt get my message. Said he def wanted to have dinner, we named the place BUT not the time. He asks if he can call me today to set the details. And then today, nothing. Its 8.30pm and nada. Hasn't been on the dating site in 2 days. Literally, the last thing he said before we hung up was "Don't go applying things that aren't there, I want to see you".

So, I'm done making mistakes. I haven't and won't reach out again. ACTIONS don't match words. The pull back was there, I should've BELIEVED that.

I'm sad. Sad in the men of this world.

:(

PS Hopeful with men., thanks for your sweet words, I do appreciate you loving care. xo; June 13, 2013 at 8:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,
Is there ever a situation when it is, actually, advisable to contact a disappearing guy and confront him? Some of these guys, you just wish they knew the damage they do, and if no one ever"enlightens" them, how will they know? Thank you.; June 14, 2013 at 12:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody!

@ Lady Leo
I´ve just read your latest post and my first intuitive reaction is that the man does care about you. I would say that he´s got a little frightened, so I think you should pull back a little, let him contact you and not initiate at all at this point. And be nice and light. I feel he will contact you again, but in my opinion it´s important to rememeber that you are not in a realationship with him yet, you are just two almost strange people.

@ Mirror
Mirror, I have a question. I´ve met a new man. I don´t care too much about him, not yet, but I´ve decided to give him a chance. The problem is that he has told me right at the start that he won´t have time for me on weekdays due to his job tasks, only at weekends. And by weekends he means full weekends, from morning till night. I wouldn´t like to offend him but it doesn´t suit me at all for various reasons. What do you think? Shall I say farewell to him at once or shall I negotiate somehow? He seems to be quite a good man but in my opinion he doesn´t understand women at all. He thinks that a good woman should be totally submissive, which I, especially considering that I am already 47, am not and can´t be. What do you think? Thanks for your reply and wish you and everybody a nice weekend!
HopefulWithMen; June 14, 2013 at 3:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Well, you may have to feel your way around this one a bit at first and then decide. If 24/7 on weekends isn't good for you, simply state that to him. Explain that while you'd love to see him, at this time you cannot commit your entire weekends to him for various reasons.

If he's okay with that, proceed and observe. If he balks at that, I'd wish him well and walk.; June 14, 2013 at 3:28 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Can I ask your advice on first dates. We've built up communication we met online initially but now communicate outside of that and are deciding to meet up, it is long distance.

Part of me thinks he should come to me as a manly thing to do and I deserve it. The other part of me thinks that realistically is it fair to expect this off someone who has never met me and we don't now for definite that we will actually like each other in the real world yet until we meet. It's going to cost a lot of money in travel and accomodation for him and I presume he will be paying for taking me out on that evening as well, so is this a tall-order for him or not?

I'm wondering whether meeting him half-way is a more fair and realistic way of doing things, it means we both would have to put in the effort but is this comprising my self-worth and should he be coming to me really?

Thank you, I'm getting a bit stressed about it and want to do the right thing but confused.; June 17, 2013 at 5:58 AM
Mltn said...: @ ChrystalWaters

I'm a Capricorn, he's a Virgo.

One of our issues has been his inability to make plans. Like, he'll suggest a movie, then seems unable to work out the logistics of when & where, and if we're eating before or after, etc. I always took that as a sign of low interest.

He did better! He made a plan, we had a lovely day together on Friday.

I'm still wary and observing. I'm not talking about my feelings. I fully expect him to disappear again, so I'm trying to keep that in mind even as I develop feelings for him. It's hard.; June 17, 2013 at 12:56 PM

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