Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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Anonymous said...: @ June 13, 2013 at 11:34 AM

That's an immature man honey. He is playing games and trying to get a reaction out of you now that he realizes you are not going to be at his beck and call.

Move on. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem that interested in you and it showing you that through his actions. Believe him and move on.; June 17, 2013 at 4:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror of Aphrodite

Firstly I just wanted to thank you ENORMOUSLY for all the help you give to women so freely - I hope all teh positive energy you give out comes back to you ten fold!

I but I am teh girl who freaked out a bit around mother's day (in Manchester, England) and my boyfriend dumped me/walked out and blanked me for a week. I was at my wits end and you were there - and through telling me to stay calm and unemotional (exactly what scared him off in first place) /elastic band theory he came backc to me. I am happy to report we ve been together and very very happy since!

I was reading your secion about being a light-giver. That is me, without a doubt. COnstantly wanting to do good for others/spread love and positivity wherever I can. I am studying to become a teacher to help pthers/always there when needed and done lots of volunteer work by the way - its also great of you to explain why I am like this it all makes sense now! I believe the meaning of life is to leave the world a better place , in whatever way you can... hence am as kind as possible, wherever possible!

I have been very very happy with T - my question to you now is, is there a way to get him to take a step closer? We see each otehr every weekend adn at first there was lots of talk of moving in but after we lost the baby /had all that nonsesne with my Ex, its died off. He has been in a new job and settling in there and I have been busy with my studies/minding my toddler.

He has hinted he would perhaps like to rent closer, talked about marriage teh odd time and I try and just let him take the lead. The problem is this is frustrating, I would liek to try for anotehr baby next year ( when my studies are
almost complete) - again he has said he is open minded to this but I daren't broach teh subject full on at present (though I need to - am 40 and not much time to waste!)

He has always said he wants to do things teh old fashioned way /get married first etc. I dont want to put pressure on him and I am not needy/desperate for him to move in as I am quite independant. he stays here every weekend and I do wish he would stay more (my shower is awful and teh system cant be replaced, he cant fit in teh bath as he is big and its its a tiny Victorian one. We ve looked into replacing it so he can stay in teh week more but it cant be sorted as its rented accomodation/old Victorian flat).
He keeps swithcing his mind/undecided what to do - toyed with renting nearby (he lives a good 45min drive and wants to move) but wants then changes his mind/wants to finish paying his mortgage.

At this rate I will never be able to try again for a child and I just wondered if you think I ought to keep up with teh no-pressure route (though my dream would be to get engaged - I ADORE him!) or do you know of any tactics to speed the possible process up?

I would be incredibly grateful for any advice you can give me - am finding it a bit frustrating as I would like to have a bit more security at this stage. We've been together nine months nearly, and spent every weekend together as I say...

If I need to hang fire I can; am in a good place - but is it ok to bring up teh possibility of a baby?? I am goign to be 41 soon!

I dont think this would scare him off - but I know one of teh tricks of teh male psyche is to make them believe they initiate important decisions like this? I think? the odd time I make the odd comment re staying over more or moving in, he says, 'we'll figure something out'. So I leave it as I dont want to seem needy ... but by the same tolken I would really like to know where I stand with this guy/if he has plans for us long term

THANK YOU SO MUCH for any advice Mirror of Aphrodite - this has been troubling me for some time... he is a very laid-back, Taurus male and I feel I could be waiting forever at this stage!

Super-positive energy coming to you - exceptionally grateful for all that you are and do :); June 18, 2013 at 3:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 18, 3:26PM,
"do you know of any tactics to speed the possible process up?"

This isn't possible dear. You can't control others, only yourself. If you can hear your biological clock ticking, then so can he, loud and clear, trust me, LOL.

In these situations, as it's impossible to control another individual, the only thing you can do is secretly, to yourself, set a time frame - say another 7 months (not saying that's how long, just an example, you pick the time frame that works for you). And if this hasn't progressed by then, then you break it off and move on.

That way, you don't waste years of your life waiting for some guy to decide if you're the one or not. That's all you can do. And men take a bit longer than women in their emotional processes, so you have to bear that in mind.

"is it ok to bring up the possibility of a baby?"

I wouldn't do this at this stage. Do you even know if he WANTS a baby at this stage in his life? Is this HIS dream or YOURS? Because it seems like maybe you want a baby, and you hear your biological clock ticking, so this man will do, LOL. And you need to be mindful of not making him sense that in you. If he feels this is all about a baby and not about him and he's simply a sperm donor, he's going to bulk at that for sure, as any man would. So applying pressure for a baby is very risky at this stage (unless he's openly stating that that's what he wants and he's ready).

As you know, bringing a baby into this world is a huge responsibility. And the father of your baby is a man that's going to be in your life in one way or another for a very long time. It's not something to rush into and if both parties do not wish for it and want it with all their hearts - I do not suggest it.

The desire and the want has to be present in both parties. If it isn't, it's not time. And if it's the baby that's the goal here and this man isn't ready for that or doesn't want it as badly as you do, then I'd free myself from him and find a man that has the same desires and wishes for life that you do.; June 18, 2013 at 5:00 PM
Mltn said...: @Anonymous June 18, 3:26PM,

I have a son whom I love 1,000% more than any man I've ever had in my life. IMO, if you want a child, that is something that may need to be separate and apart from where you're at with this man. I personally wouldn't give it more than about 3 months, then I'd tell him that you ARE going to have a baby, and you'd love to have that baby with him, but if he is not ready for that, then you have to do what is right for you with your life. And then you need to move forward with that (sperm donor or adoption).

Because having a child is a huge part of my life and my identity, and I had major marital difficulties at the time that we were trying to conceive (and struggling with infertility), and for me I came to a place of clarity where I said that "I'm doing this with or without you." And I really meant it. You have to decide what is your priority, motherhood or this guy. Because you may not be able to have both.; June 18, 2013 at 6:24 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello all:

Just checking in with yet another incredible story of my dating life. The Leo lineman, Mr. Nice Guy, has totally ignored me. Not one bit of word from him for 6 days now since our last lovely call and the subsequent date he stood me up on. Well, 2 days ago my email service notified me he re-read a previous email. Whatever that means. I get the feeling he wants me to chase, but that just ain't gonna happen.

Two days ago I met a man on a different date site (Jewish one). His profile and photos were so familiar to me, and I *thought* I knew him from my 12 step community. I kept having "something" tell me to renew my membership on the site despite not having been on for 2 yrs and not wanting to go back. "something" told me to put my pics up but not pay to renew. Then he sent me an email but I cant read it without paying the member fee. I slept on it and woke up ready to rock and read it. Wow....I couldnt believe what happened next. He IS a member of the 12 step world, and I've met him some 5 yrs ago there. Briefly said hello after a meeting. He was going through a divorce and not in a good space so nothing more. Week later saw him on POF dating site. Sent him a message asking if he was the guy from the meeting room. No reply. Ignored. Rejected lol.

He lives 2 miles away. We went to same schools at same time. Shop in same areas, know many of same people. Never ran into him all these years. And here is the BIG kicker...he is a friend of my brother!! LOL. Cap brother is in another 12 step fellowship, and this guy (taurus) was at that time too. They've been fishing together, knows his kids, socializing etc...Is this something, or what? He has bent over backwards to engage me in communication, shared a lot of his *stuff* and the mutual topic of addiction and the like. We meet tomorrow night at a book store for a drink and read some dirty mags :P

I don't know if or what will happen, but it's sure been interesting to find out what's ahead. BTW...he texted me tonight to "give me a call please when you are free". I lol'd and said "No, you can call me if you like"

Im learning, arent I???; June 18, 2013 at 11:25 PM
lONDONcALLING said...: Ladies! What Mirror has done a great job coaching us, but told BY A MAN!

THE MALE-FEMALE DYNAMIC
http://letmenchaseyou.wordpress.com/

This dynamic has not changed just because we are in the 21st century.

Because the nature of a man is the chaser and the woman is to be chased.

This dynamic assumes males behave a certain way and females another way in order for there to be success.

Every man engages in his own way of pursuit that may differ from others, but a SUITOR is unmistakably a suitor.

This guide is for the purpose of protecting you, the woman, from wasting years of your life and emotional pain.

This guide shows you how to honor the feminine in you and the masculine in him.

TRUE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT MEN

Men enjoy a challenge.

It doesn’t matter if he’s a jock or a geek, on the sports field or in a tech lab.

They’re chasing a ball or chasing a computer virus.

They like to compete and win.

Hunters only chase things that are beyond their grasp.

They have the hope of snagging it, but they know they have to work hard to, hence the excitement, adrenaline, and the HIGH LEVEL OF INTEREST.

Hunters do not chase a dead rabbit.

They chase a moving target, often running away from them.

The more the man has to chase something, the more fun he has, and the more value it has in his eyes.

The less a man has to chase something, the less fun he has, and the less value it has in his eyes.

Men prize the very thing they are chasing.

Men love the thrill of the chase.

Men FALL IN LOVE during the chase.

No matter how shy or scared a man is, if he is interested enough, he will chase you.

Little boys love chasing things. Men love it too.

TRUE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT WOMEN

Every woman who values herself wants to be desired and cherished.

Women love the thrill of being sought after.

They gain respect for a man who, despite his fears and doubts, musters the courage to step forward and risk rejection just to win her heart.

On the other hand, women who do all the work to make a relationship happen end up being bitter, angry, and resentful.

Don’t be that woman.

FOR YOUR OWN SANITY, THERE ARE ONLY THREE TYPES OF MEN OUT THERE:

1. Men who don’t know you to do anything about you.
2. Men who do know you but do not pursue you.
3. Men who know you and pursue you (SUITORS).

The third group of men are the only men you need ever deal with in dating.

The other two are inconsequential to your dating experience, NO MATTER how hot, cute, and perfect they are.

There is absolutely NOTHING you can do about the first two groups of men.

If a man doesn’t know you and you are trying to get his attention, then you are doing the pursuing.

If you are his type and your paths cross, don’t worry — you’ll catch his eye.

And for the men who do know you, there is nothing you can do except be a challenge.; June 19, 2013 at 2:55 AM
lONDONcALLING said...: GENDER ROLES

A man must be attracted to a woman in order to decide whether or not to take up the challenge of the pursuit.

A woman cannot force a man to become interested in her, attracted to her, or pursue her.

She can only be her best self, and step out in plain view for all to see, whether online or offline.

The man’s job is to scan the field and see a target he likes.

He approaches.

She accepts or rejects his advances.

A man shows his interest by asking her for a date.

A woman shows her interest by taking up his offer.

She need not return the pursuit or figure out ways to get him to ask her out again.

She need never scan the field and look for a target. She is not the hunter. She is the target.

Yes, it is the 21st century, but you are NOT a man last time you checked.

Your emotions are more immediate and fragile than his.

Spare yourself. Don’t pursue.

WHAT DOES BEING A CHALLENGE MEAN?

For a man, the chase itself can be just as fun as being with you, if not more.

But he must first think of you as a challenge.

The definition of a challenge is that it is not easy, has hurdles, and requires hard work.

He can only pursue you if he is NOT SURE he can win you.

If the woman assures him she can be easily be won, he will lose interest.

As a woman, make him work to attain you.

The only way to do that without being manipulative and conniving is to stay busy making yourself happy and living a full life.

Naturally he will have to find ways to squeeze into your schedule and grab your attention in order to be with you.

Clamoring for you is treating you like a challenge — like a PRIZE CATCH.

BE A PRIZE CATCH

You, the PRIZE CATCH, don’t wait around for Mr. Right to show up on your doorstep.

You are too busy making yourself happy.

You may be dating different men, exploring new interests, participating in activities you enjoy, or working on self-improvement.

You may be busy with your school, job, or career — you are absorbed in your life.

You don’t have time to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, wondering why there’s no man in sight.

You are living your best life and being your best self.

You love yourself (without being narcissistic, of course).

You take good care of yourself — you are the PRIZE!

A PRIZE CATCH doesn’t glance left and right when she’s out and about, wondering who’s noticing her and who’s not.

She may talk to a man first, but not to maneuver him to ask her out.

She talks to him because she is friendly or needs to get directions.

Maybe he’s a bank teller and she’s making a deposit.

But she never asks for his phone number.

And she never gives hers to him UNLESS HE ASKS.

Being a PRIZE CATCH, she wants a man who has enough courage to STEP UP and ask her for the very thing he needs to pursue her.

She doesn’t leave her business card behind either, giving him a hint.

She knows it’s his job to find out how to get in touch with her — IF HE IS TRULY INTERESTED.

She may work a man’s job and get paid like a man, but she isn’t interested in BEING a man.

SADLY….

Many women rebel against nature.

They treat dating like competing for a promotion.

Instead of letting the man STEP UP and INITIATE from the start, these women jump in and take over, disrupting the ritual and destroying the delicate dance between a man and a woman.

Or they smother him with so much attention he becomes grumpy and disappears, leaving her sad and confused.

Other women are on a rescue mission, finding orphan men in need of a mother surrogate, giving him money, rides to work, and a bed to sleep in.

These women wonder why they are so exhausted.

They wonder why they never get a marriage proposal.

THE PERILS OF PURSUING A MAN

Zero indication as to his interest level.
Friends with benefits.
Getting passive men who put in no effort.
Getting users and abusers.
Setting up the standard for your future with him (if he sticks around), where you do all the work in the relationship, while he forgets your birthday and anniversary.
Misery for you, because you are not cherished. You never were.; June 19, 2013 at 2:57 AM
lONDONcALLING said...: REALITY CHECK

In the extremely rare instance one of these types BECOMES your suitor, it’s because you have already MOVED ON and most likely forgot about him.

Men never woo you when you’re pining away for their love and attention. Wonder why that is…

THE REWARDS OF BEING PURSUED

You filter out time-wasters and men who treat you badly.
You’re cherished and treated well.
You aren’t taken for granted.
You’re relaxed and happy, not anxious, frustrated, confused, or lonely.
You’re establishing the basis for a long-term committed relationship.
You get the man you want, not the man you settle for.

WHAT IS A PURSUIT?

A pursuit is making plans to see you and setting up a date, time, and location.

A pursuit is the FIRST TEST HURDLE of whether or not he thinks you’re worth his time and effort.

If he can’t jump over the first test hurdle, he fails the test. He is not a candidate.

He is not a S-U-I-T-O-R.

PURSUIT = PROOF OF INTEREST

His pursuit (making plans to see you) is the ONLY INDICATOR of interest.

There are NO other indicators.

Asking for your phone number raises the possibility, but it is not an indicator. He could have dozens of numbers in his pocket.

What he does WITH your phone number is crucial.

A woman who is pursued never has to wonder if a guy is interested in her.

Other women are driving themselves crazy over a guy while she is happy, relaxed, and feeling VERY WORTHY.

That’s the difference between being desperate and being pursued.

TECHNOLOGY GADGETS

Aren’t they wonderful?

Yes, only for setting up dates. Otherwise they ruin the the dating process.

You become OVEREXPOSED.

How can you be a challenge if he can find you anytime and everywhere?

He will lose interest. You don’t want that, do you?

So turn your device off and don’t friend him on Facebook.

Don’t return his messages right away. Wait at least 24 hours.

Let him wonder what you’re doing and what you look like in a bikini.

Let him build up anticipation and excitement. Give him something to look forward to: A DATE WITH YOU.

If you’re in touch all the time with no date in sight, you’ll end up in the Friend Zone.

You don’t want to be his buddy. You want to be WOOED.; June 19, 2013 at 2:58 AM
lONDONcALLING said...: THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION YOU EVER NEED TO ASK

It doesn’t matter how great the sex was. Is he pursuing you?

It doesn’t matter if he is your Dream Man. Is he pursuing you?

It doesn’t matter how much chemistry you feel. Is he pursuing you?

It doesn’t matter how fabulous the date went. Is he pursuing you?

It doesn’t matter if he is your soul mate or twin soul. Is he pursuing you?

It doesn’t matter if he calls, emails, and texts every day. Is he pursuing you?

It doesn’t matter if you chat for hours into the night. Is he pursuing you?

It doesn’t matter if he says he loves you. Is he pursuing you?

It doesn’t matter if you had his children. Is he pursuing you?

It doesn’t matter if………..Is he pursuing you?

Because that is all that matters.

NOTHING happens until he pursues you.

HE SHOULD NEVER BE TELLING YOU THAT…

He needs space. You would never encroach his space (give him space from here to Timbuktu).

He needs time. You would never ask him where the relationship is going (HE needs to worry about that).

He’s not ready. You would never give him an ultimatum (you’re long gone before that).

He’s dating other women. You’re dating other men too (you never asked to be exclusive).

He’s not interested. You would never pursue him (you are too busy being happy).

In other words, never be desperate.

And never ask him to break up with his girlfriend or his marriage (you only date available men).

WHAT ELSE?

Your response to a man can fuel or kill his interest.

Do it right with no regrets.

You do not have to prove you’re worthy to any man. So never pursue.

Don’t settle for crumbs.

REMEMBER . . .

Be easy to please, hard to get.

A man is the side order, not the main dish. (Women who make the man the main dish are usually miserable.)

Even after you become his girlfriend or wife, do your thing and have a life. You’re still the prize. He still thrives on a challenge.

Don’t revolve your life around a man. Revolve it around you!; June 19, 2013 at 2:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much for your words of wisdom...
and thank you for your contribution kind lady above!

He has said he is 'open minded, and leaning more towards it as he has seen his sisters with thier children' in the past...

I guess it is natural to want stability/know where you are headed in teh future ... but perhaps best to give it more time. The last thing I want to do is pressure him!

I will keep my mouth shut and then bring it up after we have been together a year (exactly three months away, funnily enough!) . I think that s a decent time frame. And as you say, if he is still holding back on teh commitment front then, I may perhaps have to look elsewhere. I want to settle down - you have helped me to realise that - and it needs to be a mutual thing, or nothing at all!

Also dearest Mirror of Aphrodite,may I seek just one more bit of advice,please?

At times we will have tons of text-banter, then perhaps one day a week I may get one text and that is it. Its teh same with affection - at times he is all over me, others not. I know us women crave much more contact - your wise words and teachings have helped to understand that men are not the same!

Am just wondering how to react in these situaions? They take me off guard a little - I do not doubt he adores me as his actions say so (he bought me a new laptop last week, takes me and my daughter out, is here evry weekend etc etc) but at times he pulls away (natural as he is tired or suffering from hay fever, just busy or whatever) it can cause a bit of anxiety in me - probably due to mistreatment in teh past.

I dont project this onto him (as you have taught me) and just keep busy/focus on number one in this instance; is that the best thing to do? And then just take things up as normal when I hear back or when I see him next? Or should I pull back a bit as well/not text straight bk etc?

Its just a bit confusing as some weekends he is all over me, others a bit distant - and texts are the same...am sure he does not think anything of it - am just not too sure how to react to it, thats all!

Also, how do you re-introduce courtship values? I have fallen into teh habit of cooking a bit too much when he is here and want to snap out of it! :)

Perhaps am just nit-picking - everything else is amazing between us. We get on like a house on fire and survived through some pretty horrendous ordeals...

Thank you thank you THANK YOU so much for your help and advice - you are truly a remarkable woman
:) xxx; June 19, 2013 at 4:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Hey Ladies,
Look what I've found - a new read for all of you:

http://www.amazon.com/The-30-Day-Love-Detox-Relationship/dp/1609619706/

"The 30-Day Love Detox: Cleanse Yourself of Bad Boys, Cheaters, and Men Who Won't Commit -- And Find A Real Relationship"

Can anyone say. . .no contact, LOL ;-)

Written by Dr. Wendy Walsh, CNN's human behavior expert, she also lectures on evolutionary psychology and human mating strategies at California State University Channel Islands.

She holds a Masters degree in Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology.

I haven't read it yet, but figured I'd share it here as it's most likely a very insightful read, ladies - and well worth the $12 investment I imagine :-); June 19, 2013 at 9:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror I met this Capricorn man at a funeral in October, I know crazy but true. Apparently his mother and the lady that passed away (aunt by marriage) are like second cousins or something. Well my aunt that passed has a daughter ( she's 40) and Cappie refers to her as his aunt she is older than both of us.So he does not live in my state but her flew here for the funeral with his mother,they were both close to my aunt as was I. I of course paid no attention to him but my cousin told me he was scoping me out the whole funeral. I was not looking my best crying, swollen and red eyes you could imagine. Since he was staying over my cousins house she told me he was talking about me till 1AM, how he really liked me found me attractive and all. I couldn't believe it there was alot of other women there and his eyes were set on me. He seemed shy because my uncle had to like push him to go over and talk to me. So he sat next to me and we spoke about work, etc he asked me if I was married and I told him no. So then he gave me his business card and since I was not expecting him to be interested I did not give him my number. So he went back home and my cousin tells me you better email him. So I emailed him and a week passed not response. Then I get an email from him, he was very polite and all and I told him if he ever comes back to visit maybe we could get together and go to dinner. He said I will try to be over there as soon as possible. This man pursued me like crazy, so I slowly started to give in but was weary due to the distance and he was 5 years younger than me. He said he did not see that as a problem he wants a mature woman that knows what she wants. I have to admit I loved the attention we started to get closer and more intimate conversations. I know work is very difficult for him, he owns his own business and he also manages a couple of his fathers businesses. I was very straight up with him, I told him I did not want to play games, wanted a serious relationship so he knew exactly where I was coming from and he felt the same. This man called me, texted me beautiful things and told me I love you, then it progressed to I am in love with you. In February he told me he wanted to hear my voice, he missed me and was going to try and leve work early so that we could talk but I had to wake up so early next day and I was exhausted so I told him to leave it for the following day. That man DID NOT forget and he made a point to leave early and he called me we spoke for 2 hours, he did not want to get off the phone with me but I told him I had to wake up really early so we hung up. In that convo he asked me if I was willing to move to where he is at and I'm like well what will I do for work and he said honey you do not have to work. You see this man is well off and he never told me but I found out through my cousin. They tell me he does have a problem meeting a nice woman because they know he has money or once they find out that's all they want form him. So I told him well we will have to see what happens with us.; June 19, 2013 at 10:26 AM
Anonymous said...: Part II:

After that night he said I am now more in love with you now than before. The way you handle yourself and act and I want to be exclusive with you,no dating other people. I said okay and I took it for what it was. Things were great he always called, texted, very attentive. When I got a cold he asked the next morning how I was doing. Valentine's Day he sent flowers and texted me that morning. And so I fell for him but then in April I did a big no-no. I know his work schedule was bananas and he said honey do not despair we will see eachother soon. He said I am not sure if I will be going over there or bringing you over here and if you feel uncomfortable and do not want to stay in my apartment I can put you in a hotel. I said okay. He was supposed to attend another funeral but he couldn't fly out due to work , he said it became too complicated so I couldn't go. I have been very patient with him but I became insecure due to the fact that we had not seen eachother again and I was dying to see this man. I told him I was feeling insecure ( I know big no- no) and he said it's a shame you feel that way. I told him I am usually not like this but I have noticed that ever since then he was withdrawn. So i became the pursuer, I initiated the texts and chased him because I felt he would lose interest. I know big mistake but he would respond to my texts and then sometimes he would not. But he never ignored me and even to respond HAHAHA to a funny joke he would.; June 19, 2013 at 10:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Part III:

Then I texted him a joke like hey you forgot me already. And he's like my love never, how could you say that. Told me he loved me and I told him I loved him as well. WE always told eachother we loved and missed eachother like crazy (it was our thing). Then I told him I have a lot of vacation time in the summer and maybe I could come and see him but that would depend on him. He said of course honey and then I told him I would send him the days so he could book my flight. Well I did not send the dates because I was trying to work it out with my supervisor ( she wanted to take some of the similar days I did ). He did not seem upset and he did not bring it up, I did not hear from him in 7 days so I sent him a text nad he sends a kissy face emoticon. Then another 4 days go by and I tell him I miss him and just started sending texts, I don't hear from him so I sent another 2 in like 4 days. No response from him on whattsapp and i also notice he hasn't been online at all or chatting with anyone. So i thought something happened to him so I sent an email to find out if he was okay and all, no response. So i waited and basically I see now that I did the wrong thing and chased him. Maybe he needed space or was going through something personal and i did not give him that. Instead I pursued and all in all he came back online but never responded to me he began to ignore me. After 2 weeks on and off of trying to reach him I told him I cared for him but was not going to beg and if he wants me he knows how to reach me and then I disappeared. Oh Mirror!!! What happened? He just disappeared. And I feel hurt, so I retreated and disappeared and its been a month an a half since I have spoken to him. Do you think he will reappear? Do you think he will reach out to me? I mean our families know eachother I would think it would be more difficult to just run from someone in that instance... :(; June 19, 2013 at 10:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 19, 10:26AM,
"I emailed him and a week passed not response. Then I get an email from him, he was very polite and all and I told him if he ever comes back to visit maybe we could get together and go to dinner. . .This man pursued me like crazy"

Actually, it appears as if YOU pursued him and initiated this dear. Not a good way to start off a relationship :-(

"i became the pursuer, I initiated the texts and chased him because I felt he would lose interest."

"he would respond to my texts and then sometimes he would not. But he never ignored me"

Sounds like he has ignored you and maybe you're dismissing it.

"WE always told eachother we loved and missed eachother like crazy (it was our thing)."

Those are just WORDS dear. ACTIONS speak louder and it appears the actions are not following through.

"I told him I have a lot of vacation time in the summer and maybe I could come and see him"

Again, YOU are pursuing HIM by initiating dates.

"I did not hear from him in 7 days so I sent him a text"

Again, YOU are pursuing HIM.

"another 4 days go by and I tell him I miss him and just started sending texts"

And again.

"I sent another 2 in like 4 days"

And again.

"I sent an email"

And again.

"I see now that I did the wrong thing and chased him."

Yes dear :-(

"What happened?"

What happened is that you took the lead role, the masculine role, that of the pursuer. You did not let him be the man here. Men are not attracted to masculine energy (leading), they are attracted to feminine energy (submissive).

When a woman flip flops Mother Nature's natural gender roles, it's a turn off to a man and it takes all of the fun of dating the woman out of the equation for him (no competition, no chase, no challenge, no pursuit - no fun).

Read the comment above from London Calling. . .; June 19, 2013 at 11:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Did you mean for me to read that love-detox book in response to my confusion, dearest MOA?

Would so appreciate one last bit of advice re the questions I asked about Mr. T - and everything has been taken on board.

As I say am probably just nit-picking, but when I dont hear for a while or he suddenly does not seem as affectionate, am uncertain how to react.

And I would really like him to 'try' a bit more - do i just suddenly stop cooking and demand to be taken out? He helps me out financially so I dont want to seem cheeky...

Is that not a bit too Diva-ish? :) xxx

(Even though I am a bit of a Diva - a nice one though ;)); June 19, 2013 at 2:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 19, 2:23PM,
I'd suggest that if you don't have an absolute and immediate need for the financial assistance from this man - DON'T take it. He's not living with you so it's not like the same as sharing living expenses. When a woman accepts financial assistance from a man like that that she's not living with full time, she becomes DEPENDENT on the man - and she gives away her INDEPENDENCE by doing so.

As well, things like that create feelings of "obligation" as you're now experiencing. Because he assists you financially, you now feel obligated to cook for him and repay that in some manner. If you remain independent as opposed to dependent, then there is no confusion and there are no underlying feelings of obligation. The dilemma is being created by the dependence the financial assistance is creating.

If you continue to accept the financial assistance - then there is going to continue to be an underlying "obligation" here - and you're going to basically turn into a wife - only one without the commitment or a full time live-in husband.

I'd simplify things by removing the complications that the financial assistance is creating if possible. If you do that, you gain back your independence and you can then feel free to suggest dinner out - instead of dinner in.

If things stay this way, they're only going to get more complicated. You are going to play the role of a wife (without the commitment of a live-in husband) and he's going to play the role of a husband (without the commitment to a live-in wife).

Not good dear :-( Remove the confusion by removing the complications the financial assistance is creating and get back to basics - get back to being a woman he needs to work at pursuing and give him back what men enjoy - a challenge ;-)

You should only be mixing finances when a firm commitment is in place that requires it - such as living together and sharing the household finances.; June 19, 2013 at 2:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 19, 2:23PM,
I forgot to add that - the next time he goes to hand you money and financial assistance, you tell him to keep it.

And instead - suggest that he take you out to dinner, a show and a night on the town with that money.; June 19, 2013 at 3:03 PM
Anonymous said...: YES YES YES AGAIN - so very apt!!

I hate feeling beholden - am so independant! Am getting there - am a student at the minute and ashamedly have accepted teh odd handout off him, when and as needs must. But I will stop ASAP - just got a small job starting next week so that will help. THANK YOU! You have hit the nail on teh head, as always! :)

Please may I just finally ask about the odd feelings I get re ' At times we will have tons of text-banter, then perhaps one day a week I may get one text and that is it. Its teh same with affection - at times he is all over me, others not. I know us women crave much more contact - your wise words and teachings have helped to understand that men are not the same!

Am just wondering how to react in these situaions? They take me off guard a little - I do not doubt he adores me as his actions say so (he bought me a new laptop last week, takes me and my daughter out, is here evry weekend etc etc) but at times he pulls away (natural as he is tired or suffering from hay fever, just busy or whatever) it can cause a bit of anxiety in me - probably due to mistreatment in teh past.

I dont project this onto him (as you have taught me) and just keep busy/focus on number one in this instance; is that the best thing to do? And then just take things up as normal when I hear back or when I see him next? Or should I pull back a bit as well/not text straight bk etc?

Its just a bit confusing as some weekends he is all over me, others a bit distant - and texts are the same...am sure he does not think anything of it - am just not too sure how to react to it, thats all!'

??? Am so sorry to trouble you - I shan't again after this, am just not sure whether to mirror his actions in this instance or just let things slide?

We have been together eight months now - don' t think I ought to be using the elastic band theory when he has not been in touch for a bit/seems not as affectionate - or should I?

THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES OVER I CAN NOT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR YOUR HELP and selfless kindness and guidance - If its possible to love someone you do not know then I love you dearest Mirror of Aphrodite - I think you are an amazing energy and everything you say is so powerfully true, it is almost frightening!

XXXX; June 19, 2013 at 3:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 19, 3:19PM,
"may I just finally ask about the odd feelings I get"

That's anxiety. Nothing more. And it's controllable as it's a mental state. If he's on par with his ACTIONS and his treatment and everything lines up elsewhere (actions versus words), then this can be overlooked. It would only be concerning if his behavior and actions were also changing on a regular basis in a variety of negative ways. But if he's still asking for dates and seeing you, spending time with you, making time for you, etc. then he's simply taking some space for himself I feel.

To deal with anxiety in a healthy manner, it's possible to burn it off as it's a boost of mental and physical energy (nerves) in a sense. Releasing that in an UNHEALTHY manner would be to confront him and create a problem that later, you will only regret having done upon realizing you may have simply overreacted.

To deal with anxiety in a HEALTHY manner, burn it off via physical activity - exercise, take a walk, call a girlfriend, meet a friend for lunch, go shopping, get your hair done, get your nails done, engage in a hobby, take your child to the park - whatever distracts the mind and burns off the frenetic nervous energy.

Sometimes, that can be something as simply as mental activity - sitting in a quiet place for 15 minutes, eyes closed, focused on breathing. One big deep inhale, hold it for 3 seconds, one big exhale. Rinse and repeat for 15 minutes.

This is a form of meditation that serves as a mental self-discipline exercise and energy release - and you can gain self-control via this method.; June 19, 2013 at 5:05 PM
CrystalWaters said...: LondonCalling,

Thanks for your posts. Well said. Appreciated the time you took to write them as it was both insightful and reassuring and good to read (and re-read, and re-read, and re-read.... LOL)

CW; June 19, 2013 at 5:51 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @LondonCalling,
Thank you! I needed what you copied to your post today. It helped. Thank you!

@Ms. Mirror,
YAY! New reading material. Can't wait to download it tonight (I hope). Thank you!

@LadyLeo,
Good luck! Keep us posted ;); June 19, 2013 at 7:35 PM
KK said...: To London Calling: a big thanks for your recent posts, hit the nail on the head! Mirror is great at explaining that as all, but your post drove it home for me! Been there/done that and now I'm living this way instead 'Other women are driving themselves crazy over a guy while she is happy, relaxed, and feeling VERY WORTHY.' I hope all the ladies here can allow themselves to feel that way too. No confusion, no frustration, no anxiety, worrying, etc. It doesn't feel good, so don't go there. I can't explain how much better it gets and how good it feels to let go of all of that 'crap'. The only way to describe it, for me anyway, is that I feel lighter, relaxed and at peace with things.
@LadyLeo - Don't take LL's behaviour personally, 6 days is nothing, maybe he could be feeling guilty for standing you up and just debating. And keep in mind the thing about 'men submerging and then coming up for air' - Never know, but it's good you're out there and have other 'options'. Don't you just love men who can't ask for your number and call you? Makes me laugh too and I do the exact same thing and say "No, but here's mine if you wanna talk" - Throw the ball in their court, test them and see if they step up.; June 19, 2013 at 7:51 PM
KK said...: As for myself, there was a little bit of banter between Pisces and I June 9th - I 'tapped' him I guess after a couple of weeks and it was very brief (how are you, playful teasing and then goodnight). And around this time he could see that there was another man added to my FB and he's been 'liking' my stuff - he sees there's competition now and then Pisces went and 'liked' a few new pics of me. (This 'new' man has also been texting and he asked me out for dinner, told me to just think about it and he didn't need an answer right away - I'm still deciding and will wait for him to ask again) I don't see any harm in having dinner and getting to know him, but I guess I'm a little unsure right now, maybe part of me isn't even interested, I don't know. But I was happy he asked nonetheless.
Had a weird dream June 12th/13th about Pisces, in the dream he basically was super jealous and was bringing up how I wasn't being honest with him and he could see or knew how active I was (talking/flirting with other men). He didn't like it and brought up the 'talk' - all of a sudden he wanted to get serious and be exclusive. - Again, this was a DREAM lol, I woke up laughing and shaking my head. 3 days later(and exactly one week from the last conversation between us) he texted me right after work, it was Father's Day so I was out with family and had my phone turned off, I replied to the messages 2 hours later (there was 4 messages from him). His messages were sexual in nature at first – he was pushing for a reaction from me, he even said later “I was just kidding, I was just seeing what you would say” – Mhmm, checking to see if I would bite, which I did not. I played along with him somewhat, didn’t react and get pissed off, even though I was, I laughed along with him and made some jokes, threw out little hints to him – I think he got the hint I didn’t want him, or want sex from him. Access denied! He brought up other women and how they were getting some and he thought he’d check to see if I wanted any – Um no thanks, I actually said to him sarcastically “Sure, cause I want sloppy seconds – that’s gross, who knows what you caught or already have” – I know those other women are imaginary and he was just testing to see how I’d react. Why would I want to sleep with someone who says he’s sleeping with other women? That’s not attractive, but he thinks it is. He thinks I’ll get jealous enough to just jump into his lap and that by bringing up other women, I’ll think he’s a hot commodity and want a piece too. No effing way! He got defensive at my comment about him having/caught something and then said to me “You could be sleeping with dirty guys too” – Jealous much? And who cares IF I am? I’m not of course but he doesn’t know that. I asked him why he was even asking me, let alone asking last minute, late on a Sunday while I’m with family. I told him “Call an escort, I’m not hookersRus” – He laughed and said again he was just kidding and told me about how he’s been working nonstop and only had one day off and it was for a Dr’s appt. Then says to me “You told me you were over it, so I left you alone” – Yes, and I explained to him how I was ‘over’ the BS and the drama and have been for a quite a while now, honestly. Also told him “I want you to text or talk to me, but for the right reasons, not only when you want ‘something’, I don’t do that to you, I don’t use you, it’s not OK for you to do that” – Pretty clear?; June 19, 2013 at 9:16 PM
KK said...: He seemed to get it, bells went off. His next message was “You don’t text at all to shoot the shit anymore, we don’t even talk” so I answered him “You should be doing it first if you expect the same from me, it’s not my job. Nothing is ever just given to you, you have to earn it right? If you want to talk, then say something, I can’t read your mind and you can’t read mine. When I didn’t hear anything from you, I left you alone too” – figured he didn’t want to talk. He responded and seemed to agree and then said “You got it, I’ll retry tomorrow k?” We ended the conversation and said goodnight.

Tomorrow never comes, along with Tuesday and today – He has his phone glued to his hip all day (he’s on FB uploading pictures, adding people, etc) but it only takes 3 seconds to fire off a text to me and he can’t do that?.
Of course, there are consequences in place now. I’m not going to bring it up to him, the ball was in his court and he said he would do something and never did it, this is on him, he flaked and when he does come back I’m doing the same – going to take my sweet time and maybe bail on him too “Oh, I’m busy right now, I’ll text you later” and then – crickets!

He seemed so convinced that I still wanted him, so maybe when I refused/rejected him it hurt his ego, he got all serious and a little sentimental, not me. He initiated, not me. Is he going through the process of ‘submerging and coming up for air’ right now? This time, he was also stating/remembering things about me that he likes. He said my name a lot, he did that before too – after almost every text though. He either likes the sound of it or...? That’s always been a bit weird to me.
Just curious if this pulling back now is him knowing that he has to try harder, be genuine and work at this and that anything less from him will be ignored. I’m not other girls, I’m different based on my actions as of lately. Could he be mulling all of this over?

Thanks again!; June 19, 2013 at 9:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I realize the mistake I made after he backed off. Him disappearing has brought me clarity and I made a mistake and wish I could take it back. But oh well I can't now. I hope he gives me a second chance and comes back. Do you think he will reappear? I feel like I really screwed it up, I knew after that first text I should have stopped but I couldn't. So now I have fallen off and not contacted him at all. Deep down I feel he will reach out. But this time apart is helping me with my insecurities and work them out and not project them.

--Aries Chick; June 19, 2013 at 10:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Aries Chick here:

I will not initiate or pursue him at all, not making that mistake again. He knows how to reach me. If/when he reappears what should I do?; June 19, 2013 at 10:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I suspect I've run into a narrcasist. I've been observing this guy for a while now and using some of the tools on here. I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt as he's been showing some interest, however, he's not stepping up. I've go the distinct feeling that this guy is maybe out to disempower women for some reason and I do feel mislead somewhat by what he has said to me and then his actions have shown the opposite i.e wanting to see me and saying he is willing to put in the effort but when it comes down to it he ignores and disappears and then reappears.

He keeps coming back but I've told him recently in so many words that we either see other or I'm walking away. It gave him a kick up the arse and he responded really well then backed out. I willing to follow this through but he then misleads me and promises me and then behaves as above.

I get the impression that he is used to women doing all the work, I don't think he is a womaniser but I think he hangs back and lets the women do all the work because that's the kind of women he's used to and I think he gets a hold on women and it is disempowering as I say.

He has managed to do some of this shit with me but if my hunches are right then it seems like his intentions are no good, the trouble is he is projecting that he has good intentions but it is totally misleading.

This has all come to ahead now and I know I should probably just ignore him when he decides he's ready to contact me again but part of me wants to challenge this guy and tell him in so many words that I've seen his true essence and whatever he's trying to do it's failed. I guess I don't like that fact that he's potentially had me over and I want to let him know the games over and he's the one that has lost and I'm walking away with my power.

What do you think Mirror?

thank you in advance; June 19, 2013 at 11:47 PM
Lady Leo said...: From the mouth of the man:

Had a very nice date with the new taurus tonight. Very gentlemanly behavior. We had planned to meet at a book store then drive somewhere else, separately. He must've felt comfy with me cus he asked if we can drive together. I said yes and invited him to drive with me. He seemed to want to be the *man* and do the driving. I did not feel comfy with that so I said no, I'd drive. He started to insist, and was uncomfy with that idea. (Showing me he wanted to be the "masculine" party here. Hint for us to girls to read those signs). But, it was a first date and I wasn't gonna get in his car. He said it was the gentlemanly thing to offer to drive. I agreed then said "But not gentlemanly to insist if a girl says no". And he got it, so I drove.

Later, I drive him back to his car. We chat. I can *tell* he wants to kiss me. Finally he asks if he can. Very respectfully. I am attracted to him but I guess I didn't want to go there, so i say "No". He says thats just fine and was very respectful. I said no to practice having control over the things I can, and to keep the "tension" going. Also, If probably want to kiss his face off if I got started. :P In the end, I let him kiss my cheek.

As he left, he said "call me when you get home". I said "Oh, about that...you've told me to call you a few times before and I haven't. generally, I just dont call men". He said "I NOTICED that. You don't initiate?" I said nah, Im kinda old fashioned I guess, I figure if a man wants to speak to me, he'll call.". He said, ok, text me then. LOL. I said...nah...same thing. He seemed surprised again. But I wanted him to know I was interested so I said "But if youd like to call or text, I hope you will".

He told me earlier how he liked a strong woman who could hold her own, so......Im teaching him from the get go how to treat me. And yes, he texted when he got home and YES, he told me how much he enjoyed the night and YES.....he asked me out again.

:); June 20, 2013 at 3:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
"He said my name a lot, he did that before too – after almost every text though. He either likes the sound of it or...? That’s always been a bit weird to me."

It feels weird to you because he's running "game" on you and your gut is sensing it. Using a woman's first name repetitively is a PUA (pick up artist) tactic.

"Use a woman's first name as much as possible:"

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/archive/index.php/t-143999.html

That's from a "Don Juan" discussion above. And here's how serious some of these guys are playing the game. One of them wrote:

"I use a girl's name, especially when im saying hey or saying goodbye. It helps me to remember it as much as anything. Nothing more annoying than talking to a girl and for love nor money you cant remember what her name is."

Nice huh??; June 20, 2013 at 9:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 19, 11:47PM,
The choice is ultimately yours dear. However, I would suggest no confrontation and instead - a dose of his own medicine.

I'd ignore this fella' and I wouldn't bother explaining myself. I'd leave him wondering and irritated over the uncertainty of what went wrong. Men are used to women explaining themselves a lot and that very rarely leaves a man with anything to THINK about - because the woman has already handed them all of the answers.

So rather than leave him with an explanation, you may want to consider instead leaving him with the feeling of "uncertainty" - the same feeling that he leaves others with ;-); June 20, 2013 at 9:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

MOA you never answered my post. Do you think Mr. Cappie will come back? And if/when he does what should do? I have not contacted him in 2.5 weeks and I know it takes men longer than women to miss someone so this might take a couple of months.

--Aries Chick; June 20, 2013 at 10:38 AM
KK said...: Mirror, this man has known me for 6 months, I'm sure my name is just burned into his brain. I really don't think it was a PUA tactic, yes he has done it before, on occasion, not every single time and definitely not when saying hello or goodbye. During the conversation it seemed like a lot but I'm leaning more towards he was saying it because of the kind of conversation it turned into later, somewhat serious and it just seems more personal, I think it's as simple as that. I've done it on occasion too, to drive a point home or when talking about something sensitive, and even when speaking on the phone with someone, it's kind of natural. I've had OTHER men do it constantly, and yes that was creepy, when Pisces does it, I don't find it creepy, it depends on the situation, and if he can't use a term of endearment(hun, honey), the next best thing would be my name right?
I wasn't quite as concerned about the 'name dropping' as I was about the rest of my previous post. I'm not demanding answers but I was hoping for a little bit more I guess. I understand it may be difficult to keep track of each specific situation but we all come back here with additional information or updates in hopes of someone providing insight or some kind of encouragement.; June 20, 2013 at 11:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Aphrodite! I just flipped the switch on him! After he finally contacted (two week disappearing act)...I waited three days and sent him the exact sentence you suggested (with a small modification) and it feels so good! I know he has got to be super confused!! ahah! The best part...is that i don't really care if he wants to pursue me anymore or not...but I feel in control of my self. Thanks..Let's see what he comes up with ;); June 20, 2013 at 12:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Aries Chick,
I do not know if he will come back dear. There's a very high likelihood as approximately 90% do make a reappearance of some sort, but there are no guarantees in life.

Regarding what to do when/if he returns, that information can be found here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And in the article here you're commenting on, in the section titled, "What to do When Your Man Reappears: Behavior Mirroring."

Ultimately, the choice is yours as to which direction to go :-); June 20, 2013 at 1:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
I wasn't showing you what that man had said in that thread because it applied directly to your situation. It was simply meant to help you understand that the repetitive use of someone's name is a psychological tactic - and one that's being misused by PUA's.

"I wasn't quite as concerned about the 'name dropping' as I was about the rest of my previous post. I'm not demanding answers but I was hoping for a little bit more I guess."

"we all come back here with additional information or updates in hopes of someone providing insight or some kind of encouragement."

I AM providing you insight dear, and you're missing it by giving this man the benefit of the doubt by making excuses for his behavior based on the few months you've known him - 6 months is really nothing regarding that dear. It's a very short amount of time.

Additionally, not only am I attempting to point out some "game" here, but your gut is too and you are dismissing that as well:

"He said my name a lot, he did that before too – after almost every text though. He either likes the sound of it or...? That’s always been a bit weird to me."

Red flag dear.

You're vacillating now. One minute this is sounding off alarm bells in your gut:

"after almost every text though. He either likes the sound of it or...? That’s always been a bit weird to me."

Then when I respond in agreement that it's a red flag, you change your tune and provide excuses along with a female's thought processes (not a man's) to reach a conclusion that completely changes your tune:

"when Pisces does it, I don't find it creepy"

So now, weird isn't creepy - but is it still weird?

"His messages were sexual in nature at first"

Another BIG red flag.

"He brought up other women and how they were getting some and he thought he’d check to see if I wanted any"

Foul - and another BIG red flag. It also signals that he sees women as "objects" and not real people. Objects that are "getting some."

"He responded and seemed to agree and then said “You got it, I’ll retry tomorrow k?”. . .Tomorrow never comes, along with Tuesday and today"

POOF - gone - when he realized you weren't going to jump into bed with him. Another BIG red flag. A disappearing act.

"Is he going through the process of ‘submerging and coming up for air’ right now?"

Sounds to me like he was going through his "rotation" in his little black book. And when he didn't get a "bite" and he struck out - he simply poofed again - as most players do.

The writing is on the wall dear. And I see no reason to make excuses for him or justify his behavior - because his ACTIONS (and lack thereof) are SPEAKING LOUD AND CLEAR. You just need to see/hear them is all and not attempt to apply female thought processes to male behavior.; June 20, 2013 at 1:44 PM
Anonymous said...: @London Calling
Thank you for your contribution.It´s useful to read this information repeatedly in order to absorb it sufficiently. And what about you? How are you doing? Your story sticks in mind. Has "he" reappeared?; June 20, 2013 at 4:02 PM
Anonymous said...: @ kk

Your response to Mirror's insights should be an eye-opener to you. Your comments took a 180-degree turn from thinking his repeated use of your name is weird to now justifying it and concluding that you see no issue with it. Food for thought.

I think MOA has a point here. It is very uncommon for someone to use another person's name repeatedly/excessively in conversation, and less so via text. Usually, such people have an agenda. Psychologically, using a person's name during conversation makes the other person feel that the message being conveyed is "personal" and the person is tuned into you. This strategy is also employed in professions where interaction with a end-user and building rapport is a neccessary component of ones job.

It seems that he made several comments that are unacceptable to you and you've tried to "teach him" how to act when it comes to you. I think he is looking for an easy lay and you're trying to teach him how to behave like a gentleman and woo you but that's not what he wants so he bolted (too much work). He has realized it's not going to be easy with you so he will either 1) return with new ammo to disarm you until he get what he wants, or 2) just never come back.

His current disappearance could also be a ploy to get you to initate contact since he is conviced that you still want him. He is probably waiting for you to "bite."

I don't see why you would entertain him if he does return. I don't think he is going to change based on everything you've described but I may be a little pessimistic so go with your gut.

Best Wishes!; June 20, 2013 at 5:05 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Oh dear, sitting on my back deck drinking a glass of wine, smoking a java and just into the Detox book. All I can think is, What have we (I) done?"; June 20, 2013 at 6:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
It's okay, take it all in LOL. Ladies, here's the premise of the book. A study was performed that concluded that if you sleep with someone within 30 days...statistics show you have a 90% chance of not being together a year later.

If you sleep with someone within the 31-90 day timeframe, you have a 1 in 4 chance of being together a year later. And it goes up...the longer you wait to have sex, the higher the odds are of long term commitment.

The study also showed that those who live together prior to marriage, have statistically higher odds of divorce.

This is all because the skills you need to have a long term relationship are different from the skills most modern day daters are now honing and using....hookup skills.

Here's a bit more: http://youtu.be/XVzth1D7kzM; June 20, 2013 at 10:09 PM
Sarita said...: Hi! Aphrodite
I dated a guy for 2 months, then he went back to his country and we've been keeping in touch in about a month. Then, he's gone, disappeared out of the blue for 2 weeks. It happened to me before (disappearing act, but with different guys) so I just let him go and have no contact with him during the time he disappeared. After 2 weeks, he texted me that he misses me, I still don't wanna reply him yet (I think it's such a lame attempt for him to do that) I mean after 2 weeks, no explanation, no excuses, please!!! so I disappear on him. (It's been more than 2 weeks after the text that i haven't replied).

Today, he texts me "how are you?" I haven't answered him yet.
I don't know how I really feel right now, I think I deserve someone who treats me better by not doing this kind of behavior, but deep down in my heart, I still like him a lot. So my question is should I let him go? Or just give him a casual reply back? How many days should I answer? Thanks a lot! :); June 21, 2013 at 12:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,
I REALLY need some insight. I am completely confused and heartbroken!
I had been seeing a Pisces man for almost 4 months. Things started off GREAT! Even though I was crazy about him from the start, I let him pursue me. I have done all the "right" things. Never accepted a weekend date after Wednesday, rarely texted first and never called unless I was returning his call.
We both have busy lives but his was especially busy the last month or so we were together. He bought a house and did all the remodeling himself. He works 24 hour shifts (Fireman) does side jobs and has two sons that he gets 3 days a week.
Anyway like I said things were great. Busy but in a good way. We talked and texted every day. Then he got written up and a few days later terminated (was not his fault...long story...accused of insubordination from one of his supervisors that has it in for him. I know this because he used to tell me how this one particular supervisor didn't like him and he had no idea why)
Anyway, of course this caused him much stress. He was really worried because of the house he just purchased and spent all that time working on. He was planning on taking his ex to court for custody and of course feeling like he lost his identity ( HE LOVES being a fireman!!!!)
I gave him space and left a text just telling him I'm there for him and hope he's ok. Didn't hear from him for about 4 days so I texted him that I get the feeling he would like me to leave him alone permanently. I don't want to cause more stress in his life, I hope everything works pout and I'll miss him. He texted right back " I'm sorry. I don't mean to be distant. I just need some time. I am stressed beyond words but I'm NOT tossing you" He did write not in caps......
I told him to take all the time he needs and was VERY supportive. I even said I don't think any different of him and him being a fireman had nothing to do with the reasons I like him....he texted back a very nice thank you.
OK...2 days later he asks if he can see me on his way home from a town near mine (I think he was filing an emergency leave of absence there)
I said yes I would like that.
HE NEVER SHOWED OR CALLED OR ANYTHING!
I let a horrible and tortured week go by (felt like a year) before I sent him a text that I missed him. He called the next night after midnight. (didn't hear my phone) but he left a really weird message......" Wow, this is crazy, this is just wrong....I'm just....I'm not (pause) to hell with it...game on...ok...bye.
That's the last I have heard and it has been 6 days.
I don't have any experience with Pisces (I'm a Capricorn) but I have always liked them and my moon is in Pisces.
What should I do? Why would he seek me out just to blow me off? He's way too busy and stressed to play games and I was so willing to let him take all the time he needs and said so....He didn't HAVE to come see me. In fact I expected not to see or hear from him for a while. I didn't expect him to make plans and then stand me up if I was being so understanding.....Anyway, I'm simply crushed!!!!!Thanks so much for your help in advance!!!
Missing my fish!; June 21, 2013 at 6:39 PM
Madame X said...: I got to get that book. ^ Watched that link you sent. Saw this there too, reminds me of me. LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs5KpdlA_L8; June 21, 2013 at 9:43 PM
KK said...: @Mirror and Anonymous from June 20, 2013 at 5:05pm
Thank you both for your comments, it's true that yes right now I'm going through a female's thought processes (not a man's)- trying to analyze.
'His current disappearance could also be a ploy to get you to initiate contact since he is convinced that you still want him.' - Yes and I haven't pursued - and that's usually when he springs back at me. I got that part down pretty well. I don't think he is convinced I might still want him though, how could he be? - I think there's some uncertainty and he's not sure now, I may still reply to him and talk here and there, but in no way give in or jump on his advances. I haven't chased/pursued, except for the one 'tap', if/when I've responded I've been different - There have been subtle and big changes in my actions, I've been scarce, I've followed the advice as best I can. Now if I was doing what I was doing months ago (initiating/pursuing/nagging, asking to see him, all of it!) - that would be reason for him to be convinced. Another thing I forgot to mention was that he sent 4 messages, 2 were him 'pushing' for it and the other 2 were pictures (non sexual). We got a bad storm that night, he got hail while on my end of the city was just nasty skies and rain - I only responded to those, so that should be a clue. It should be obvious to him where I stand now.
I know that he may try again to 'lure' me, I know there's a possibility of him never returning, although I think that's very unlikely. And correct me if I'm wrong, but couldn't there be a chance (maybe slim) that after everything that has occurred in the past couple months, he could be retreating now just to think about all of this (mull it over)? He notices things, he brings things up, he's very subtle but tends to throw out hints when something has bothered him, when I'm acting different than how I used to. He is not that bold when it comes to his emotions (most men aren't). He can't say what is really going on or what he's actually feeling, he covers it up, or tries to anyway. I could assume he has missed me based on his recent 'attempts' and it does go beyond anything sexual. Someone here said once "If he didn't care, he wouldn't be bringing it up".

I just felt I had to clarify the part about the use of my name, not defend him on it. Upon looking back at my messages, it wasn't excessive or exactly what the PUA link described (But I do understand it now at least) and I only noted a difference when I applied it to other men as well. For example - a new man I'm talking to has only done it once and only when greeting me good morning or good night - Is that a red flag too? How would you really measure what's OK (acceptable) and what's not? I think that's where my confusion came from and what I meant about Pisces - it seemed like a lot at first (almost like an attention grab), but it stopped and the conversation moved quickly anyway and from one end of the spectrum to the other (and again which was all of his doing, he switched gears and moved things out of the sexual territory); June 21, 2013 at 9:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June, 21, 6:39PM,
"What should I do?"

Nothing. There's absolutely nothing you can do. You can't fix this, you can't fix him - you can't control anything - except yourself dear.

I have a feeling that maybe this guy was attempting to let you down easy dear :-( And when you didn't understand that, I think he may have gotten a bit upset and was just like, "Wow, this is crazy (I've blown you off and you're still calling/texting me), I'm just (not ready), I'm not (ready). .to hell with it, game on (if you don't get it and you'll permit me to treat you this way, then that's what I'll do, I'll play games), ok bye."

I could be wrong, but unless that was meant for someone else and/or unless he went to the wrong house and thought you weren't home and that YOU blew HIM off and/or he thought you were with someone that night and that's why you didn't answer. .it's what I'm left with here.

Because at first, I think he may have not intended to end this, which is why he said he wasn't letting you go. But then as time passed and his stress increased, he may have changed his mind about that and rather than tell you (with WORDS), instead, as many men do (their language is one of ACTION), he SHOWED you instead (via his actions and/or lack thereof).

I'm speculating here because there isn't much to go on, however, I will say this - you need to use CAUTION now because this. . ."game on, ok, bye" is NOT good dear.

When a man says "game on" - it's war (competition) :-(

And this "I'm NOT tossing you" - odd language. "Tossing" something is generally associated with something "disposable" when used like that. I don't like it when a man refers to "tossing" a woman - like as if she's disposable or trash - and as if it's a phrase he's comfortable with and has used before :-(

Something here I can't quite put my finger on, but I kinda have a bad feeling about it dear.

I've seen this before, particularly with my ex. When some men are under great stress in life and can't cope with it in healthy ways - they revert right back to old bad habits and ways of being. Some go right back to their teens and their youth regardless of their physical age. . .hence the term "mid life crisis" where a man starts acting/talking like he's 20 again.

So keep that in mind is all. Stress affects people differently and some, more than others and in very negative ways if they don't know how to cope with it.; June 21, 2013 at 10:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: LADIES,
WATCH THAT LINK THAT MADAM X SHARED - NOOOWWWW!!!

TRUST ME GALS, THIS IS A MUST SEE and I know it will explain a lot to many of the women here.

Why We Love Bad Boys:
http://youtu.be/rs5KpdlA_L8

And it's precisely the reason you DO NOT give them the benefit of ANY doubt when they reappear. . .; June 21, 2013 at 10:20 PM
KK said...: @ Anonymous June 21, 2013 at 6:39pm
Mirror will probably tell you that you're pursuing too much, you gave him space but then texted, 4 days later after not hearing back, you texted again and showed him some of your insecurities. 'I sent him a text that I missed him. He called the next night after midnight.' - Inconsiderate regarding the time first of all, thats booty call hour and you made it clear you 'missed him' and wanted him.
" Wow, this is crazy, this is just wrong....I'm just....I'm not (pause) to hell with it...game on...ok...bye.
Notice the words 'game on', and how vague of a message he left? Almost inviting you to chase...

He obviously wanted something and was calling you after midnight for a reason, but knew it was 'wrong' and couldn't actually get the words out, stammering, etc.

Re-read the article, listen to Mirror and don't DO anything else.

Nobody likes 'stinky' fish! :); June 21, 2013 at 10:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
"For example - a new man I'm talking to has only done it once and only when greeting me good morning or good night - Is that a red flag too?"

If it becomes repetitive and he starts to use it in a manipulative manner (only when he WANTS something) - then yes, it is a red flag.

"How would you really measure what's OK (acceptable) and what's not?"

It's not about one little instance dear - you have to pull back and look at the big picture and all of the other actions, words and behaviors taking place along with it.

When it's done during a morning greeting, that's one thing.

But when it's done as manipulation, (when he's trying to talk you into something HE WANTS to persuade you on), and when it's also combined with a sexual overtone - that's an entirely different thing.

I think you need to watch this dear. Pay close attention to the "rewards" she speaks of regarding a "disappearing" man - and how they return from time to time with "rewards":

http://youtu.be/rs5KpdlA_L8; June 21, 2013 at 10:31 PM
KK said...: Got it! Makes sense. I'll be aware of that from now on for sure.
Already watched the video too - 'random', 'spurts', 'inconsistent' is what jumped out at me - therefore making it tempting and addictive. Damn!
Thanks for sharing that with us Madame X!; June 21, 2013 at 11:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror and KK!
I know I will ABSOLUTELY NEVER contact him again....I deleted his contact number, email and all the pics of him I had in my phone...Must say that one hurt like hell and I even cried :( I think the reason I am so sad and not angry (yet) is because I honestly miss my friend. He was very easy to talk to, funny, sweet, blah blah blah!!!
Anyway, This sounds so childish and silly but I really hope he contacts me again just so I can "ignore" him. Man that would feel good!!!
I know it absolutely should not matter at all....but still......I would feel better.
Anyway, thanks again....Oh and KK your line about smelly fish actually made me laugh out loud....ha ha! Maybe I AM healing from this :); June 21, 2013 at 11:41 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous June, 21, 6:39PM,

Hi honey,

I'm not surprised you're confused and distraught... Like Mirror there's not much to go on and a lot of assumptions can be made here.

The bottom line is that message is not right and not a healthy way of handling things and relating... It is disrespectful and a bit cruel in my opinion because anyone with a conscious would not want to leave an ambigious message like that.

I am not sure if this man is just acting out of character because he's under severe stress or whether it is a bit narcissistic.

You've not mentioned when/how often you see him, have you been to his house and seen him in his environment or does he just come to you? Have you meet his kids yet -although four months maybe too early. Do you know anything about the split and what relations are like now. Does she know about you?

I'm asking these things as you need to be comfortable that he is not hiding anything and I don't mean to worry you here but you need to consider whether this man is still a bit more involved with his ex-wife than he is letting on. Especially if he is under extreme stress he may have naturally gravitated back to her because she is familiar and he needs comfort and security and she really knows him.

I'm not saying that this is going on in your situ but just make sure for your own sake, that you don't get your fingers burnt.

A long time ago I had someone who was separated with kids and it was all full on with him, going away and meeting his family and all of sudden he dropped me like a bombshell. His wife had dropped her recent partner and got threatened by me, she used the kids on him. I think he was just using me to boost his self-esteem as she had dumped him in the first place.

The shocker was I thought I'd met the love of my life and everything was wonderful until he dropped a bombshell out of nowhere.

There can be a lot of twoing and throeing in separations, especially if there are stressful circumstances.

So my advice to you would be to try and find out some facts, if I were you, however, I think you may need to wait till he contacts you again here now, as he maybe playing games, so be very careful.

You've let him know that you're there for him and you've given him plenty of rope and he has let you down without an explanation so you need to wait it out now honey as painful as that is until he comes round.

In the meantime look after yourself and MAKE yourself do nice things for you!

Sending you love; June 22, 2013 at 5:48 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and All,

The "rewards" in drwendywalsh's piece was VERY interesting... as well as the comment that these bad boys don't even know they are doing it. Thus, we have to identify and protect ourselves from it.

Thank goodness I got thru chapter 1 in the Detox book... it was very troubling.

I want to share a conversation I had with a woman yesterday at work. I know her mildly, we've chatted w/in a group setting, she and one of my good friends are friends, and they are into their church's, want to 'save' my ass ;), and have tried to get me to visit their church with them. They are also both beautiful black 40-something women and keep trying to convince me of how well a black man would treat me (very sweet women).

Anyway, this friend of my friend is a widow. Her husband died at a very young age and she is raising her children alone. She told me yesterday she now has a "friend," she is seeing, I can't remember my specific question, maybe it was how they met or how they began dating, but I remember this:

She said they were at the grocery store, and she was buying a few groceries for her and her kids. They walked together to her car and she put the groceries in the trunk. She got into her car and he was still chatting with her.

(MS. MIRROR, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I AM GOING HERE? lol)

This woman then said to him, "Loose my number."

He asked, "What?"

She repeated, "Loose my number."

Confused, he asked, "Why?"

She said, "Number 1: You didn't OFFER to pay for my groceries. Number 2: You didn't put my groceries in my car for me, and Number 3: You didn't open my car door for me. Loose my number."

He apologized and said that his behavior is not the way he was raised, etc.

They didn't see each other again for a month (YOUR 30-DAYS KEEPS POPPING UP MS. MIRROR), and they've been seeing each other ever since.

I said, "Wait a minute. Those were YOUR groceries. You expected him to pay for YOUR groceries?"

She said, "No, I expected him to OFFER. I don't care if the groceries were for me and my kids, he should have offered."

She said, "we have to teach these men how to treat a woman."

I asked her where she learned this. She said, "It was how I was raised."

I am so impressed... I hope I get there some day. :); June 22, 2013 at 8:37 AM
KK said...: @Anonymous June 21, 2013 at 11:41pm
Mirror and the others are right, we don't have a lot to go on - we can only assume so much, what matters most though is how you feel about this and you go with your gut. It is hard at first but it gets better and the best thing to do is nothing - sit back and observe and let him DO something for a change.
I hear you here 'I honestly miss my friend' - I'm in the same boat. And yes it does feel good to ignore them if/when they come back (especially if it's bs or lame) - read it and delete it!
I'm glad 'stinky fish' made you laugh, it's true though isn't it? His recent behaviour STINKS!
You'll be fine though. It may or may not happen, but some circle back around to you. Give it another week or so and just watch what happens..

Mirror, speaking of behaviour, the new man I mentioned before, let's call him A - Whenever I pop up on his radar (online via social media) he bolts or 'runs away' from me LOL - I know what that is and I'm not falling for it. And guess what, next thing you know, he's chasing me and texting me.
He does all of the pursuing, things are actually good, he told me he thought I was beautiful and he did ask me for a date but then said I didn't have to answer right away and to just think about it, that was just over a week ago and he hasn't mentioned it since. It's only been 3 weeks since we've started talking though. I'm going with the flow.
He texted super late one night and I was sleeping, I returned the message the next day, he apologized for texting at that hour and told me he just wanted to say 'Hi', couldn't resist and wait til morning? - we talk during the day/evening mostly so this really late text was out of character. He's pretty consistent besides that little slip (he initiates and we talk a little every other day), he even asked me once or noticed that it takes me awhile to text him back and was worried he was bothering me, seems smitten or something :); June 22, 2013 at 6:11 PM
Anonymous said...: To Anonymous,
Thank you soooo much for those kind words! This is the fish lover btw, ha ha!
I will definitely be extremely careful....IF he ever contacts me again.....Sometimes I feel like he will and then other times I literally panic because I think he may not.
If that phone call he made was a lame ass attempt at an apology then we probably won't ever speak again.....It's been a week so I'm beginning to give up hope anyway. But I guess you never know. I am 40 and I can honestly say I have NEVER been this confused over a man...And I have definitely had my share of heartbreak so I know "how it works" ........but this one!! sheesh!
Oh yeah and to answer your question. I have not met the kids (too soon, I say) and he had literally JUST finished remodeling the home he purchased when all the drama started..... losing his job and taking his ex to court so he can see the kids more. (He seems to dislike her because she allegedly uses the kids to hurt him) So I have not been to his new home. But he used to send me pics on his phone showing all of his progress and the work he was doing.(weeping); June 22, 2013 at 11:09 PM
CrystalWaters said...: Mirror and all the single ladies out there who're in their 30's and 40's.

Read this:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1126356/One-newly-married-writer-reveals--bag-husband-40.html

An eye opener isn't it?; June 23, 2013 at 9:00 AM
Anonymous said...: This is fish lover again :)
Thanks again KK! I am doing absolutely NOTHING, I mean as far as he is concerned. I am getting on with things, working hard, going out with friends and all the usual things that we do to move on. I HATE waking up with that sick feeling in my heart.....hope that passes soon. I can deal with the sadness, it's that damn anxiety that does me in. A couple people have mentioned "not a lot to go on here" and are just as confused as I am. For 3 months he pursued me, called all the time and seemed like he couldn't get enough of me and then all of the sudden when he was terminated it's like I don't exist. I know it's NOT me (at least I hope) but it still hurts like hell! But you are all correct on that. Wish I knew more.

I had the WEIRDEST dream last night. I was at some sort of resort by a boat and I was climbing out of the boat and the water was clear but cloudy. I mean I could still see through it to the bottom. There were GIANT lobsters trying to claw at my legs. I made my way to shore and was driving his (My fish man's) truck. I parked his truck and went to the beach. It was sunset and beautiful! Then dolphins jumped WAAAAAY out of the water and landed on the sand next to me. It was awesome!!! Then they jumped back in the ocean and I remember thinking "this is sooooo cool, this must be a sign and I can't wait to tell everyone about these dolphins" then one kinda "fell" in a shallow puddle and I had to lift him and carry him to deeper water so he wouldn't die........then I woke up....WEIRD!!! ????????

p.s. this is to KK. I hope everything works out for you!!! Sending you peace and love!; June 23, 2013 at 11:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @FishLover,
One could speculate that that dream had a theme of "out to get me" (the lobsters trying to drag you down into the depths) and "saving" something/someone (the dolphin)...and the only moments of clarity and happiness being when you were alone and exploring the beach and taking in the sights ;-)

Dreams are the human brains way of problem solving and storing/filing and sifting through the happenings of our daily lives.; June 23, 2013 at 11:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Good point Mirror!
FishLover here! The dolphin part of the dream was very vivid and for lack of a better word happy :) I am taking it as a sign that I will be happy again, maybe even giddy...ha ha!
I literally just finished filling out my profile for a dating site I just joined. No where near close to wanting to date but FORCING myself to move on. Mostly just an ego boost I think. Have heard there are A LOT of sharks on dating sites so I'm being really cautious and not taking it too seriously.
Thanks again for your thoughts and advise! I am soooo glad I found this site...It really helps with the pain!; June 23, 2013 at 1:22 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello all,

I am currently underway in teaching a lesson to the taurus who I met a week ago. Had a great date 4 days ago, been pursing me all week. Ive not initiated, have let him do it all. Answer only bout 20% of his calls, reply to texts after long periods of time. Today was date #2. He confirmed in a call last night. All was well. till 11.30 pm last night he calls on way home from night out with his friends, saying he *might* have to cancel today but wont know till the morning. This morning, he texts cancelling. No apology, no explanation. NOTHING.My reply? SILENCE.

5 hours later, he texts saying sorry, that *something* came up and hopes I am having a nice day. Well I AM HAVING A NICE DAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH. And my reply shall be....

:) SILENCE.

God speaks through silence ladies!!; June 23, 2013 at 2:55 PM
Anonymous said...: @To all the ladies here.
Check out Mathew Boggs´video "how men fall in love". He says the same as Mirror has stated many times but it´s useful to revise the information. In short, he says that a man will fall in love with the woman who will repeatedly say "no" to his sexual advances. The first reason is that her refusal will make him understand she has her standards and thus make her a potential long-term parner in his eyes; the second reason is that in this way he will have space to move from his "sex brain department" to his "emotional brain department", so the woman literally enables him to fall for her emotionally and not just sexually.; June 23, 2013 at 3:21 PM
Lady Leo said...: P.S.

MOA, I think I will be needing your advice on this Taurus twit. My emotions are on high alert, though my actions are pefectly calm. I know he will reach out again, I just don't know how to respond. Or when.
Here are a few more details:

1. Date requested 4 days in advance. Good.
2. has made contact me with daily, several times. Good.
3. His actions have matched his words perfectly UNTIL....last night.

He called at 7 when he said he would, on way to meet men friends. Said he'd call me from there, which I thought was odd. Why call me when with friends? Well, he has said/done that all week when with kids etc. BUT...few hrs later, texted to say he'd call me later than expected as it was loud and noisy at the place they were at. I don't know where, I didn't ask. 20 mins later, another text saying "My friends are breaking my balls here, will call you in the morning xo". I think it was cus he told them about me and/or cus he was texting with a woman while on "men friends" time. I replied one hr later, saying to call me at 10am, and sent my address, since he was to pick me up today at 11am.

Went to bed. 11.20pm he calls while I was asleep, left message that he may have to cancel, wouldnt know till morning, pls call him back tonight oe we will talk in the morning. I did not call. I texted 8am saying "Hope everything is ok, if you need cancel, pls advise asap as Id like to go to (another city 100 miles away)." 9.30 he texts "sorry, just woke up, I do have to cancel.everything is ok". THAT'S IT. No explanation, no call, nada. I did not respond, but went about my day.

5 hrs later, the "Im sorry to cancel our plans, but "something" came up. hope your having a good day". Ive not responded.

So it all started last night when him having busted balls. He is 48 stupid years old ffs. can't take his friends sticking it to him? I dunno, but he is the guy I met briefly 5 yrs ago and happens to know my brother well. So to be a d!ck now is really something.

anyhow...those are the details, any advice is appreciated. I am working hard to get my emotions in check and maintain the silence.

Thank you :); June 23, 2013 at 4:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror:

I learned about the no contact here - first from this site. I got the guy and it's been 6 months now into a committed relationship, thanks to you!

My question is - it is completely obvious to me that he is miffed about something that happened on Friday. It's no big deal to me, but it concerns our kids and I think he's angry about it still. He said something about mine, so I mentioned something about his because I felt a double-standard going on. I wanted him to see the show on the other foot, but he calmly said, "Don't bring mine into this", but I could tell by his voice he was miffed.

So he texts me but doesn't call Friday night. I emailed him Sat. about some information he had requested, earlier in the week. He thanked me and emailed me back and asked me a question in the email; so I responded to it today, along with just making general conversation. I haven't heard back and it's been 12 hours. Also, it might be usual behavior for him not to call but every other day, but now it's been day 2.

He will probably call me tomorrow, but how should I handle it? If he doesn't call, he is definitely sending me a message. He once told me it's best not to let him stew if we should ever have a fight. The way to deflate it is to pull him towards me, not play games, and calmly talk about things and then forget it.

I did this once before and he complimented me on how I handled things. However, I feel like he's punishing me when he does this and I have to be the one to "kiss up to him". I'm not sure I want to start this pattern with him. Any advice? thanks.; June 23, 2013 at 8:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 23, 8:26PM,
Hmm, not sure that sits well and kinda reeks of control issues in a sense and I agree, not a good pattern to begin.

I think this time, I'd wait for him to contact you and then simply (and calmly) say to him, "Is there something you'd like to talk about?"

That way, there's a compromise here - he remains mature and contacts you, you remain mature and open the issue up for discussion WITHOUT chasing him down and without opening with an apology. Which puts a bit of a different spin on it.

As well, I'm not even sure he's in the "right" with whatever issue he had with your children - but I DO know this. . .using the kids as weapons to hurt one another is NOT cool, is NOT mature and is NOT acceptable for either one of you.

If he makes a negative remark about your children, you don't shoot back at him and respond in kind. Instead - YOU go silent and let HIM come to YOU and apologize for involving the children. Honestly, that's what should've happened here. And that sends a message that the kids are off limits.

A mature man that has a valid issue with something involving the children should be mature about it and mention it to you in a "how can we both fix this" type of way - as parents would do - as a team. Not "your" kids versus "his" kids type of thing. If this is a blended family of sorts, then both of you need to behave as a family would in those situations - not as two individuals raising two different sets of children.

And in this case, I'm not sure that "kissing up to him" would even be valid because whatever happened with the children may not have been YOUR fault in the first place - it may not be for you to apologize to him about in otherwords.

I think this time dear, I'd hang back and let him get his head screwed on straight here and stop acting immaturely over the kids and how he handles his problems. Especially if your gut is telling you that this is a form of control and punishment that is hindering any mature communication that should be taking place at this advanced, committed stage.; June 24, 2013 at 8:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
Remain calm, stay silent for right now and see what happens next and go from there. Don't ask questions and don't poke around about it when he contacts you.

Instead, make him wonder about why you're NOT doing that. :-)

I imagine his man friends are an immature group of men that slammed on him that evening about this relationship for whatever reason and he was affected by it. I imagine they may have even advised him to toss you around a bit as a test and to prove himself not weak to them. It's a bunch of ridiculous man-child stuff and honestly dear, if these are the types of influences around him, and he's vulnerable and actually listens to them instead of making mature decisions himself about what's best for himself - then that's not a good sign and this group of men could become a real problem in the future, having that type of influence over him.; June 24, 2013 at 8:54 AM
Lady Leo said...: Thanks, MOA. You're lovely. :); June 24, 2013 at 10:05 AM
Anonymous said...: Howdy Mirror: Thanks for your response this AM @ 8:49. Oh yeah, he’s miffed. I received a text from him this AM and we texted back and forth throughout the day, but no phone call…

Just to clarify, I don’t apologize… Oh no, I’m not going to say I’m sorry when I don’t feel that I’ve done anything wrong. However, I can “feel” that he’s miffed and I will draw him in by just staying in contact and happy and with a text like, “So… how’s your day going?” - Just ignoring that there’s anything brewing until he opens up, which he eventually does. And maybe that’s the way women should be, but sometimes I find all this “kissing up’ as I call it, annoying. But I suppose it’s a small price to pay when I’d rather have relationships - rather than my right to be right.

As far as the kids, well, mine are 18 & 20, so they are, for all intents and purposes, grown and going off to college. His will be a senior this coming year.

The deal was - my children got an inheritance settlement a while back and I mentioned that their return on their investment hasn’t been that great, but at least the money is in a mutual fund. He suggested something and they did invest a little into it. Well, one child thought they might like to add a little more money into it, but it is a higher risk. She asked me “Do you feel like it’s a guarantee?” I said, “No honey,nothing in investments are a guarantee. High risk means exactly that- you may get more on your return and quicker, but you may lose more, as well.” Well, she decided not to put any more money into it.

Well, I get this text from him asking how the transfer of funds went and I said, “Well, she just didn’t want to do it b/c she wanted a guarantee from me and I just couldn’t give her one”. He texts back, “I have $10,000 invested in it and you all are unsure about a few hundred dollars? All righty then…”

I just felt like it wasn’t any of his business and I answered back, “Well, if you are so sure about this investment, why doesn’t your son invest his money into it – that he just got from a relative’s passing?” He said he didn’t have any control over it; that money was put in a trust and I should leave his son out of it anyway… he was just trying to help because my daughter just lost a few thousand in the stock market and was complaining about it. But, from now on, he’ll just keep to his own business then…

I told him that’s not what I meant; I thanked him for his input but she is of age and this has to be her decision and no one should take offense that she is declining since it’s her money and ultimately her decision.

I think the root of his concerns stem from the fact that he feels he might has to take care of me and the kids since their father does no helping at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure (almost 95%) that this is where this is coming from. And he had a bad experience where a former girlfriend constantly needed money for her kids, even necessities like the electric was cut off, her son needed tires for his car, etc. (same situation – no dad involvement).

I told him my kids wouldn’t dare to call and ask him for things- like hers did – I simply wouldn’t allow it. Plus, I have been divorced and on my own for 7 years and that’s a lot different than being newly divorced, like she was. However, I won’t lie – it’s a struggle to put both kids through college, but I’ve got the loans and I’m doing it…. He may feel he is ultimately going to be responsible for us if he were to get married, as we have talked of a permanent future together.

PS: Oh guess what? The guy that brought me here in the first place was blowing up my phone 2 weeks ago at graduation ceremony. "Oh, it's so nice to see you and you look great" blah blah blah.... Then, he corners me in the hallway and asks if he can call me sometime. Of course I was polite, but I wanted to say, TOO LATE SUCKER!! If there's any lesson here: Life does go on after the guy you thought you couldn't forget...; June 24, 2013 at 10:23 PM
Anonymous said...: PS: Mirror, Anonymous here from last night's post...If he contacts me via text today, should I say what you said earlier, "Is there something you'd like to talk about?" He hasn't called for 3 days now and today starts day 4. Highly unusual and he'd be making plans to see me on my day off, which is today. Something is very wrong.; June 25, 2013 at 7:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 24, 10:23PM,
Okay, it's as I suspected - this guy's got a bit of a control issue. No, he's got more than a bit of a control issue dear. . .he's got a full blown control issue and it sounds to me like it's driven by his fears (of being burdened to care for others).

First of all, what you're daughter does is none of his business. He has no control over her, she's an adult and he's in no position to develop a snotty attitude because a female won't bow to his will and do as he says. Additionally, I don't like the snide remark he made regarding it. That was TOTALLY uncalled for and to be honest dear - I have a question for YOU.

Why are YOU not ANGRY at HIM right now? Why are YOU worrying about HIS feelings here?

Because not only is there a control issue here, I sense it's aimed at women and I don't like the condescending remark he made afterwards that was a bit insulting about how he has tens of thousands invested there but you two women are worried about a couple hundred dollars. That's got an arrogant and ignorant spin to it, a vibe that I don't like.

This man can admit that he's got no control over his own adult child, yet he's miffed at you and your daughter for not listening to him. WTF??

Red flag dear :-(

I'm not saying this is a bad man, however, I am going to say that you're definitely going to see more of the type of control be displayed in subtle ways in his actions and behavior. And it's already rearing it's ugly head. He starts this fight or issue over something that's none of his business, then he gets mad at you, an innocent bystander, and now - frankly to be honest, and I'm sorry but - he's pouting like a bitch here. And he's expecting YOU to come grovel to HIM over all of this???

No way. If that were me honey, I'd be madder than a hornet with this man right now and he'd be feeling the sting. This is a very immature display from him, very childish, very controlling, with a side dish of arrogance and ignorance. And now, he's using this as an emotional weapon against you, attempting to "break" you into coming to him and pleading for forgiveness.

In a nutshell dear, I feel that this man is attempting to set his dominance over you and your children. He's establishing dominance here.

Again, big red flag. Not a good sign. Because for every "win" he receives in his fight for dominance - you know what YOU get? More dominance. Every little "win" here is only going to make him stronger and more dominating.

Cont. . .; June 25, 2013 at 8:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Because clearly, he's establishing control patterns here and he's establishing his dominance. And he's using a bit of arrogance, ignorance, snobbery to "guilt" you into feeling obliged to "care" for him and "nurture" him back to well-being here.

Do you wish to be dominated? Do you wish to spend a lifetime nurturing this man back to well-being every single time he takes issue and establishes dominance and sets dominant patterns and expects you to fall in line?

I know that deep down, you're feeling what I'm saying here. I know you're sensing and feeling this dynamic taking place already as you originally stated that this wasn't sitting well with you and that you really didn't want to establish a pattern like this of being forced to "kiss up" all the time.

Well, you're correct. After hearing what this is all about and seeing his over-reaction to it - you're absolutely right and that is exactly what he's attempting to do here. And I find it particularly interesting that his son is given a "free pass" as uncontrollable, yet he's so angry that your daughter, a female, isn't listening to him that he can't even bring himself to behave normally over it. He's so angry that this female isn't listening, that he's not speaking to EITHER female as a result.

Clearly, he only has issues with the females here. The males get a free pass and are overlooked while the females are placed under a magnifying glass in the sun, feeling the scorch.

Ultimately, the choice is your dear. However, if this were me, there's no way in hell I'd go to this man over this issue in an apologetic manner. Rather, I'd be madder than a hornet with him and his control and childishness, I'd be unimpressed overall and frankly, HE'D be getting the cold shoulder from ME.

I'd be using no contact here. I'd set a SERIOUS boundary with this one (if you don't, he'll bowl you over), and I'd be sending a very clear message in doing so which is, don't "eff" with me and mine in controlling, domineering ways, because if you do - it'll backfire and I'll be gone because I'd rather be alone than be squashed under some man's thumb.; June 25, 2013 at 8:43 AM
@lONDONcALLING said...: WOOOOO!!! Mirrorrrrrrr!!!!!!!
DANGGG You told him! @Anonymous June 24; 1023am, THANKYOU for sharing your details of the spat coz it allowed Mirror to show a different spin on aspects of an evolved relationship [i.e. one that's further down the road] with its dynamics specifically dominance, which is HUGE with men who are intimidated with a woman who can care for her own and has done so, in this regard, POST DIVORCE!!

Mirror if you could, what do you think is happening here in his head? Is he intimidated that Anonymous can take care of herself and her family? Is he afraid that he will no longer be relevant if he can't force his ideas on finances on this new family dynamic he has?

@Anonymous June 20th @ 402pm...thankyou for following up THANKYOUUU! Let me tell you ladies, some men NEVER re-appear, be aware of that. The guy that drew me here in the first place seeking answers, disappeared into the ether last year and has not reappeared. At least not in the conventional manner, although i've been getting weekly anonymous calls from a number with his area code, over and over, every other day, week in week out for the past months. I dont pick up unidentified numbers not saved in my phone...NEVER HAVE. And he never leaves a message.

Trust me, it is what Mirror and every other woman on here says.....you'll look back and wonder "WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER SEE IN THIS A.S.S????"
Be strong in no contact, use it to strengthen your core, re-establish your femininity and walk into your bliss.

I am at the moment, dating other guys who thankfully haven't pulled dumb stunts, but who knows? I may be back seeking your combined wisdom ladies. Thank GAWDD for this blog.

Lastly @ MOA, I just downloaded Detox Stats on my Kindle and I intend to read it down to the bone!

@Gemini50...RIGHT?? What have we done??; June 25, 2013 at 3:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LondonCalling,
Generally, control stems from fear and insecurity that may exist for a variety of reasons. But one interesting thing here to note, and it's one that I hit on - is the LACK of control this man acknowledges with HIS own son.

Because one can look at control as "overcompensation" in a sense. When one's life is or has been in a chaotic state, sometimes the fear and anxiety and insecurity generated from that state of being compel the individual to TRY HARDER to control other things in their life as well as other people around them. (And many men feel that, as a gender stereotype, men are powerful and women NEED to be controlled - by powerful men.)

It basically signals a NEED for control and a feeling of power. (Which signals that there must be a LACK of it elsewhere in the individual's life.)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-control-issues.html

This is a far reach here, but it's a gut impression - it could be that this man is JEALOUS of the influence and tight bond that Anonymous shares with her children - because he DOESN'T have that with his possibly. As a result, he's attempting to cross boundaries here and infringe on that, to feel in control and as a part of it.

Like I said, it's a reach - but it's interesting that that the very thing this man lacks in his own family structure, he's attempting to create and dominate in someone else's.

And I'm really glad that you're reading the 30 Day Love Detox. . . eyes wide open gals ;-); June 25, 2013 at 5:47 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ LondonCalling, Ms. Mirror and All,

The Detox book was very enlightening. Although intended more towards younger women forecasting their future, there was good content for us women who are past our child bearing years. Yes, London, Chapter 1 was tough. But I was thankful for the book being at hand this weekend, as the heat prevented me from staying physically busy in the yard. And staying busy has been the only thing that has kept me distracted from my anxiety lately. I’ve had plenty of time to think, too much time to think lately.

It’s interesting Ms. Mirror pushed back with Anonymous today regarding anger – I don’t think I’ve ever read or felt Ms. Mirror’s anger come to life here before.

It was interesting to me because I’ve been thinking about anger a lot lately – and associating it to last month’s questions from Ms. Mirror regarding my accepting inappropriate behavior from men.

In all 7 (a couple were only a couple months) of my relationships after my x-husband and before Scorpio last November, I would not express anger with men I was involved with.

I accepted a man’s behavior as his choice, and instead of getting angry, I calmly discussed something if it bothered me. But if it didn’t change, I just ended the relationship without getting mad or showing anger.

I’ve been thinking lately that the anger was there, I’ve just been internalizing it, and anger internalized turns to sadness and depression, which I have fought my entire life -- and struggling with lately.

I don’t know if this lack of expressing anger with men I am involved with is based on poor results in my marriage, or based on the carnage from my divorce and years of attempting to get child support. But after I finally let go of the child support fight, I remember making a concrete promise to myself to NEVER fight (get angry) like that again with a man – I made a promise to myself to walk away and just take care of myself if I am ever in a relationship that isn’t working again.

And that is what I have done since then… and not just with men. I’ve walked away from friendships with women as well. I’ve talked and listened, and if I feel the other person is acting solely for themselves, I determine it their choice, and make my own choice – I walk away. Sometimes it has taken me years (as with the 7 yr too long 15-yr Sag relationship) but when I finally get fed up enough, and decide I’m not taking the guys shit anymore, I don’t get mad, I just get away -- with whatever I have left of my self.

-continued-; June 25, 2013 at 7:46 PM
Gemini 50 said...: - Continued 2 of 2 -

Tonight will be 3 wks since Scorpio’s last late night text… that was his M.O. before he disappeared. And his disappearance occurred when I told him I was mad at him (how ironic). I wasn’t mean or spiteful, I just told him I was mad at him, when he sent back a “?” text, I gave him the two reasons, and – POOF! he was gone over 3 months. When he came back, he started w/3 week interval, then his texts were frequent and no more than 1 week apart. But I have been firm with my resolve to not get into a fwb relationship with him again, and that is all that he wants.

I want to be mad at him. I want to be able to tell him to F off and mean it, but I just don’t feel it AND THAT'S WHAT IS PISSING ME OFF! I'm more mad at myself then I am at him!!!

I’ve been wondering for quite a while now if we women don’t I.D. these guys for axxholes and get mad aat them for their behavior because we don’t want to admit we’ve made a very dangerous mistake. We want them to be the man we thought they were because being wrong could have been detrimental to ourselves (and our children). If we allow ourselves to get angry at these guys, we have to then admit we didn’t perform our due diligence as a responsible woman (and mother) to find out who they were before we shared our beds and our bodies. Our children depend on us for their survival and we are strong, independent, smart leaders at work, in our communities and home life; to admit we let a wolf inside the hen house is just too devastating for us to face – it could have meant life or death. So, we don’t get angry and hold men responsible for their behavior, instead we make excuses, wait, plan our 30-day NC, and hope they turn into the men we decided they were.

And as Ms. Mirror has taught here, and drwendywalsh explains in Detox, not performing the work before we allow a man close, creates very, very lazy men and puts women in danger: mind, body and soul.

… thanks for letting me write this out. I'm still thinking...

And so I don't totally depress everyone out: I'm thinking that I need a distraction.... I signed up for ourtime.com (over 50 dating site) last night and lasted about 30 minutes... it freaked me out and I cancelled as soon as I started getting messages that someone viewed me and someone sent me a message. Not for me. :( But I dipped my toe in the water... :) So there's hope!!!; June 25, 2013 at 7:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey ladies,

Well, maybe I should clarify... I didn't like his remark either and that's why I wrote to get some perspective, but I don't think it has anything to do with men vs. women. The reason he doesn't have control over his son's money - is it's in a trust from the other side of the family. The point is - I wouldn't have make a snide remark just because he (or his son) chose not to spend his money the way I suggested. He was indeed asked, yes; and I appreciate his suggestions, as they were solicited... but it should of been left alone after that. The fact that it wasn't, well, it kind of set me back a bit.

He did call this afternoon and asked me out and stated that he's sorry for not keeping in touch, it's been the heat and his job and he's "simply exhausted". (He has a HVAC business.) I'm not really buying it, so I declined to go out. He needs to make plans with me earlier than 5 PM.

I'll let you all know how this turns out... I'm sure that we'll have "a talk", as he does tend to come clean after he sees me and we are face to face.

Thanks guys. I'm sitting at home tonight and it feels good to be "in control"... lol.; June 25, 2013 at 8:36 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hello again,

Before I give my update, I've been meaning to ask WHERE IS CHK61??? Something tells me she is back with the disappearing man in some capacity. Girl, come back and update us. We helped you through the tough times, I want to know how you are!!!

Ok, so..Taurus and Leo guy update. So, Taurus broke the date with only hours notice and NO explanation. We did have a few text exchanges and yesterday he texts asking if he could call me last night, he wanted "to discuss a few things with you. You have me all wrong, Im not the person you think I am". He was referring to my thinking he hooked up with some broad on sat night thus causing to cancel our sunday date.

My reply: Silence....LOL...but only cus I was working. He texts again asking again. I reply few hrs later saying no. Said I had some personal things to do and that eventually we'd talk, but not now. Now see, we are both from the 12 step world where emotions and feelings are usually readily able to be discussed and understood. Its a different dating animal with 12 steppers. We "do" feelings in the rooms all the time, so when 2 of us are dating, we CAN go deep. So, I told him I needed to focus on me now and it wasn't right time for me to speak to him. His reply? silence...LOL. There is a spiritual principal called "Restraint of pen and tongue" meaning when you're angry should refrain from speaking or writing something you'd regret. So I texted back asking if he was "practicing" restraint of pen and tongue? He replied "Yes, I am. But Im not going anywhere. I hope you get what you need, stay in touch".

So, interesting how he asked to talk, huh? Just as an aside, after I calmed down on sunday, I really dont think he hooked with someone, I think it might be that he replapsed, I dont know. And for now it's ok to not know. I just need to step back because the way he affected me is MY sign to work more on me.

Ok...now the Leo lineman...

He stood me up 2 weeks ago, no word from his ugly ass at all. As I was cleaning out my texts yesterday I see the last text he sent said "As soon as my schedule frees up I am "In" for dinner, if you are?"...So I thought I'd tap him just for the hell of it and replied back "Out". Implying Im done with ya, pal. He replied saying "I will call you later"...LOL...what a DB. No hello, no nada...and guess what, ladies? NO CALL either! He never called yesterday.

Sad...this is the guy who went to great trouble to help me with my car. But, it's clear he has something/someone else going on in his life. His divorce isnt final so that could be it. WHATEVER!!; June 26, 2013 at 7:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
I understand what you're feeling and yes, I do feel that taking a strong stance (sometimes stronger in some cases than others) is necessary and when doing so - that strength can jump right out with force behind it and anger. If it's expressed with valid points to back it up and if it's done in a non-emotional way, it has serious value.

So now ladies, you've have all seen the underlying force of a Taurus, LOL - me. This is a Taurus energy. A bull is generally a peaceful, docile character, however, poke the bull in the ass and - CHARGE. Folks underestimate bulls when they really shouldn't because when necessary, that force can be drawn forth and emitted. And to me, control issues in particular are very dangerous to women as that can quickly turn into abuse (verbal, physical and mental) when clear lines aren't drawn in the sand.

Gemini, I think your lack of anger expression may have something to do with past conditioning as well as a dormant fear of sorts. Because notice you said this, "I just told him I was mad at him, when he sent back a “?” text, I gave him the two reasons, and – POOF! he was gone over 3 months."

So it may be a learned response. Meaning, you've learned that when you express yourself and express your anger or disapproval - people leave you. In addition, childhood experiences may also have conditioned you to remain silent. This isn't your fault, you just need to find your voice dear :-)

And you need to consciously attempt to make sure that your spoken words line up with your true feelings, which I've touched upon before - the need to make sure that what you say lines up with what you feel. Proper expression :-)

I don't know why you're not mad at him (Scorpio) but I imagine it may be because you hold the hope of a return (as a decent man) and you hold the hope that deep down, he is a good man. If you admit that you're angry with him and that he's not a good man, then you have to admit that all hope is lost with him - which will bring and "end" that you'd have to accept.

Cont. . .; June 26, 2013 at 10:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Regarding the online dating, I know what you mean there and honestly, I don't think online dating is necessarily the path to honest love.

However - online dating DOES HAVE IT'S ADVANTAGES. Advantages that I think you could benefit from dear:

1) You get to mix and mingle with many different personality types.

2) The attention from men is healing.

3) It's EXCELLENT PRACTICE.

LOL, bet none of you guys were expecting the third benefit there. I consider online dating to be excellent practice with men and dating. And in that respect, I believe it can be beneficial. Online dating can help you learn to "hold your own" with men. I wouldn't suggest that you go into it looking for your soul mate (although who knows, he may appear). Rather, I'd suggest you go into it as "school."

School for men, ladies ;-) The learning opportunities that online dating can provide to women can be beneficial indeed. However, if you're wearing your heart on your sleeve, it can be damaging.

But Gemini, for you in particular, I think you could potentially find your voice in online dating. Meaning, there will be plenty of men there that give you good reason for you to need to speak on your behalf - and it'd be great practice for you to do so on men that. . .well, that you don't need to care about - that give you reason not to care.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to go there and game men or willfully hurt them. What I'm saying is, there WILL be men there that bring that on themselves - and will hand you the opportunity to find your voice.

It would be a good place to see the many various personality types that exist and it will hone your skills at spotting losers, users and dirt bags - it can also lift any confusion about these signals and personality types that may exist.

In other words dear, if you look at it as "school for men" and you approach it like that - you could potentially hone your skills at spotting dangerous men and find your voice there.

As any woman who has spent a year or more online dating can tell you. . .there are plenty of "teachers" there ;-); June 26, 2013 at 10:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 25, 8:36PM,
I'm VERY happy to see that you took control and did what's best for yourself here. Trust me, that sent a message and gave him something to think about.

Additionally, if you weren't buying it, there's a good chance that on the date, you may have been preoccupied, which may have resulted in a lack of clear communication.

So I definitely think it was best to decline the date invitation and to wait until you're in a more positive state of mind to communicate clearly over the issue.

It's not about "getting back at him," it's about getting clear with yourself first ;-); June 26, 2013 at 10:10 AM
Mltn said...: @ Gemini 50

"So, we don’t get angry and hold men responsible for their behavior, instead we make excuses, wait, plan our 30-day NC, and hope they turn into the men we decided they were."

Yes, I'm with you on that last part, about hoping they turn into who we want them to be.

One of the useful bits that I took from the book "He's just not that into you" was the advice to "consider resetting your breakup maximum to one, and move on." Because I think these disappearances, it's really a breakup. Unless there's truly something extraordinary going on in a man's life, he has decided he's at best ambivalent about you, or he is fundamentally unable to be the kind of man you want and need. Either way, it's a breakup.

I'm coming around to the idea that the disappearance should be greeted with permanent silence. Treat it as done. It's a puzzling life lesson, because you'll never get "closure" or answers about why it happened. But it portends nothing good from this man.

My disappearing man, best friend of 7 years and co-worker, came back, sort of. He initially pursued me, and he was SO ardent about it. And I truly believe that he was, and maybe still is, profoundly "into me." In some ways.

Over the course of these 7 years, we've spent 10-15 hours a week talking. He called me every morning, several times throughout the day. In addition to texts, emails, time in person. We'd talk for hours about nothing and everything, hopes and fears, dreams, weather, whatever. I've never in my life communicated as much with someone as with this man. We never run out of things to talk about. This has been one of my big things: I think at the end of it all, sex drives wane, gravity takes its toll, and what sustains a relationship is that intellectual and emotional connection, the life-long conversation.

But after he came back, strong, well, he's fading away again. He's stopped texting. He still calls and hangs out in my office, but doesn't ask me to lunch, and we haven't spent any time together outside the office in over a week. The topic of all of these conversations is very studiously neutral, nothing at all about us. He hasn't kissed me in over a week.

I honestly do not understand why he's still calling me 4-5 times a day, hanging out in my office, etc., but he has shown no romantic interest or pursuit in long enough that I'm cutting him off again, as of today. I just sent another of his phone calls to voicemail.

I don't understand what is happening here or why. (I honestly think he's more comfortable with kind of a virtual relationship, mostly on the phone/by text).

But he's not the man I want or need. I put him into "no contact" the first time thinking that the man I believed him to be would step up. I would have sworn that I couldn't know anyone better than I knew him. But I don't think he's that man. He was my best friend, but he's either terrible at relationships or he is not romantically interested in me.

I don't understand the stalkerish, obsessive level of communication from him (seriously, what is the point of it?), but I'm not getting what I want from this, and it's like this rolling, weeks-long rejection that makes me feel so sad. It's like he's slowly burning away all the goodwill I ever felt for him, so we won't even have our friendship left.

Sadly, my report is that they come back, but it would probably be better if they stayed gone.; June 26, 2013 at 12:50 PM
KK said...: Gem, I don't understand.. 'it freaked me out and I cancelled as soon as I started getting messages that someone viewed me and someone sent me a message.' That should have excited you I think, yes you were trying it out, so maybe along with that came some anxiety, maybe it overwhelmed you. But I agree with the online dating and how it does have it's advantages, along with disadvantages - like maybe receiving too many messages all at once it seems (overwhelming), receiving certain 'types' of messages (discouraging/disappointing) - I had a guy message me and start off well, but then he went into sexual territory and when I wouldn't meet for sex, he was gone. I don't get it, most sites charge for their services and men dish out money to act like dogs in heat? Seems like such a waste. And then there are the men who are pretty genuine and don't 'go there'. It's not ALL bad.
Mirror is right, it is like school or 'training', it is a way to practice and filter and learn. The attention is nice, it means and shows you that other men are attracted to you, are interested/curious, it does heal you a little. It can be fun, and it's a stepping stone.

Got an email notifying me of Mercury Retrograde (June/July) - With the winged one turning retrograde in emotional Cancer, feelings are brought to the fore, where they linger, unexpressed. Indeed, slowed communication and defensiveness are in the air for most of us.
It also gets specific for each sign. Gem - Put extra care and consideration into how you say what’s on your mind. Your tact may be the issue. And for us Leo's - Don’t put your eggs, or your future in anyone else’s basket. Self-reliance is key right now.
HMM...

It's been a couple hours since he's asked but 'A' texted me "Are you still interested in meeting?" - he seems anxious and curious, I never made it obvious that I really was interested (uncertainty and scarcity at play here) Of course I would be, I wouldn't decline and reject him, but I also want to be very careful of how I come off. I felt a little giddy when I read it, was smiling, felt good. But then I got caught up in thinking about my answer, he's looking for reassurance - I don't want to make any mistakes or get too excited and run into a wall or whatever. It's silly but I almost don't know what to say. Geez lol.; June 26, 2013 at 1:03 PM
CrystalWaters said...: To @Anonymous June 25, 8:36PM,

Sorry but I've GOT to ask, what star sign are YOU and what star sign is HE? He sounds like an Aries or a Virgo or a Capricorn or maybe just maybe a Cancer, any of those anywhere near right?! Even if I'm not right, what are the star signs involved here please?

I hope it works out for you. You're doing great with your actions I have to say. :)

Yours.
CW; June 26, 2013 at 4:04 PM
@lONDONcALLING said...: Girls!! GIRLLLLSSS!
Get it now! N.O.W.!!!!!!!!

Get the book Mirror and Gem50 and I are reading...
'The 30 Day Love Detox' by Dr. Wendy Walsh.
http://www.amazon.com/The-30-Day-Love-Detox-ebook/dp/B0096E06GY/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1372185585&sr=1-1&keywords=the+30+day+love+detox

Ever bought a couch or display table @ IKEA and pulled out the manual with diagrams and arrows showing you how to set it up? This is it! Trust me I KNOOOWWW!!

I have read them all, 'Think Like A Man', 'You Lost Him @ Hello' 'Why Men Love B!tches'...all of them I have, stacked in my corner. All of them great in their own right.

But to me, all these books were was a snapshot, [kinda like a photo of that couch in the IKEA catalog] about the current state you're in [single & looking for love] and then another snapshot of who you ought to be [byatchy OR happy & blissfully partnered with a quality man]

Love Detox is a detailed manual, going over your beliefs about gender, emotional attachment style, religious beliefs, politics and family system. She has you whipping out a pen and paper and making a LIFE PLAN, with a timeline and a budget so that you get a clear picture of who you are as a romantic partner [for life] and who you need, not just want!

G.E.T. I.T!!!; June 26, 2013 at 5:08 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Mltn,
Thanks. And I am sorry it’s not working out w/co-worker. Virgo and I were co-workers (long distance) for 7/8 yrs before we got together.

We’d talk all the time, became really close, best friends. But he could not handle a “real live” relationship. 1,000 miles apart, he could BE who he wanted to be. In person, he was a sad, lonely, insecure man who could not get over his very bad marriage and the poor treatment from his wife and giving her $ afterwards. (And he is currently 60 years old.)

So, I think maybe some men have the “idea” of a relationship in their head, but have no idea how to be in one. And it’s exhausting for us. I know the disappointment of this; thru your friendship you know how wonderful a person he is and his contributions to others, etc. I am sorry he couldn't be the man he led you to believe he was.

@KK,
Online dating scares me because I feel like I am putting myself out “there” like a piece of meat… and no sooner had I posted the little draft I started and went back to fill in more stuff, I got a mssg that I had a mssg waiting, and then I got another mssg that this other guy viewed me.

Maybe because I am so protective of my privacy in my home – I have a house alarm, the doors are ALWAYS locked when I’m home -- this online advertising and marketing of a woman to men is like inviting the wolf to come to your door. (I know, reading that over, Ms. Mirror is going to say I have it backwards, and it's the men marketing to women... but that's not how it feels when I put my mug shot out there and say, "hey, look at me!" :))

I tried Match 2-1/2 yrs ago. Paid for 3 mos; did it for 24-hrs. 36-hrs if we include the crap a gf did when I gave her my login and password. It’s just not for me. The onslaught of communications from men I don’t know is just too much for me. Maybe it’s because you are “new meat” to the scene or something, but the amount of mssgs from so many strange men just feels too dangerous. But I'm going to think about it again... so, we'll see if I can get thru this fear.

@ Ms. Mirror,
“Yes” to everything you commented on. Yes, yes, yes and yes. And I know it.

Two yrs ago when I went back to therapy for a few visits (before I met Scorpio), I realized my problems with my relationships with men was that I was not “engaging.” Thus, I engaged w/Scorpio. I was honest with him and I believed he was straight with me.

And when Virgo reappeared the 1st time I then engaged with him as well. Then he disappeared again… to return the 2nd time.

Continued...; June 26, 2013 at 7:29 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Continued 2 of 2...

I spoke up when I was married, but not for me, for the benefit of my kids. The words came from me though, and I paid the price. The fight I fought in the courts to hold my x financially responsible for our kids was long and intense. But in the long run my kids paid the highest price and I lost financially.

It was then that I made a solid promise to never fight with a man again. Also, my x husband beat me up pretty good once after we had split (even though I didn’t feel a thing – it was like watching a movie in slow motion), so I have always been cognizant of a man’s physical strength and ability to physically hurt me. (It was only then that I could close the book on that relationship for good -- until then I still had hope that things would work out -- Crazy!) But what that event left me with was a belief that I have to be mentally smarter when dealing with issues with a man in order to get thru it safely. How F’d up is THAT!! And I share the physical abuse from my x not for anguish or drama or pity, it’s just to explain. And to explain more: with all the crap my x-husband put me thru during and after our marriage, I don’t feel anger towards him for what he did to me. When I was in it, I was angry, very angry, and I also felt like a victim, but eventually I realized how much energy I was wasting and how much power I was giving him, and came to the realization he wasn’t worth another second of my time.

BUT! And this is a big BUT! I AM and probably always will be angry for what he did to our kids. AND if he was dying on the side of the road begging for help, I wouldn’t stop to do a damn thing. (Doesn’t that sound awful?? – but it’s the truth.)

My decision to not get angry with a man is similar to a decision I made years ago to not ever fight over inheritance money with my family. I saw the ugliness of family member’s souls fighting over an inheritance, and I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER allow my soul to go thru that. I promised myself that I will walk away with my happiness rather than go thru what I saw, and I will.

This morning was tough again, I don’t know where these tears keep coming from… that’s not true. It’s anxiety and anxiousness and emotion and loneliness and stress and worry, most of it make-believe, all in my head. I’m thinking the moon had something to do with it.

The "3 wks" since Scorpio contact had a lot to do with it – the anxiety was similar to how I felt on day 3 after he first reappeared and me trying to decide if I should respond, etc. (You talked me down from that ledge, Ms Mirror, thank you.)

Late this afternoon I started feeling more myself again – that’s when I realized the 3-week timeframe is no longer hanging over my head. I also have to stop thinking about my age – now I can relate to Chk61’s stress when she first came on this scene – and I have to stay in the present and factual in regards to a man’s behavior rather than think of how it “could be.”

All good things to work on, while not forgetting to get back into living and loving life!

Thank you to all for being a life-line for me… in so many ways. And thank you Ms. Mirror for sharing your heart and soul.

PEACE; June 26, 2013 at 7:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello all. Pisces FishLover here.
Today is day 12 no contact was really tough today.
I had an "episode" for lack of a better word. Actually some disturbing thoughts about the whole situation. It floored me!
As I stated previously everything fell apart when he became severely stressed. . . Losing the job he LOVED (wrongly and unfairly) just purchased a home, taking his ex to court over kids, tec. And I REALLY understand why he is so stressed.
Anyway, I have to back track a little. Three years ago I was pregnant with twin girls and lost them at 5 months . (I am NOT trying to get pity or anything. EVERY single person reading this has had a tragedy just as painful in one wayor another. I am not special.
Anyway, I had told him of this when we first started seeing eachother. Kinda slipped out.
This past Mother's day I woke to a twxr from him " Hoping your day is about the good memories and not the sad ones, Happy Mother's Day"
I was so touched that I actually teared up. I mean who wouldn't be? I think I was so moved because he aknowledged the fact that I am still a mother and what that means. Some people feel if a baby is not "born" then it's not as "real" but it sure as hell feels real!! And heartbreaking.
My point is this......it got me thinking . . . Did he really mean it or am I a total sucker??would a man use such a sentiment to "get to me" I'm not really asking but this is what I was thinking. I am really starting to doubt my judge of character. It just doesn't make any sense to me. He was so sweet, attentive and caring before he disappeared. I know he was under severe stresswhen this fell apart. I keep hoping it's the stress he felt and not that I was simply PLAYED!! It really hit me hard like. . . Will I ever accept such a heartfelt sentiment of comfort from a man or will I become jaded and automatically assume the guy just wants to get in my pants. Or just wants to "get to me"
Oh, how I hope this experience doesn't ruin my trusting and soft nature. I would hate to be one of those "shell" people that thinks everyone is out to get them. The thoughts really terrified me. Sounds dramatic to say rhat but it did. Men just don't realize how much they hurt a woman by vanishing.
I know I will never contact him again because of what he did but I would but I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping he would contact me, apologize and thongs could go back to the way they were.
Of course I would make him grovel!!!! Ha ha!
Anyway, thanks to everyone that has been so kind and helpful during this excruciating time!!!
Sending lovw and peace to you all.; June 26, 2013 at 8:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Pisces FishLover again.
Just wanted to add, when I shared with him the untimely loss of my twins I wasn't treating him as my "therapist" or anything it kinda slipped out but I also told him that I can take comfort in the fact that I got to hold them and say goodbye. I wasn't emotional abput it and we went on to talk about other things as if nothing happened. He also has no ifea that his text moved me so much. I simply answered him " thank you! That makes me feel better"; June 26, 2013 at 8:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"The "3 wks" since Scorpio contact had a lot to do with it"

Regretfully dear, this is the type of thing that I attempt to warn women of. Not that you did anything wrong, that's not my point. My point is, when these men return - it's a RISK. It's a risk that women need to be cognizant of because there is always the possibility things can go as unexpected and that can set you back to square one sometimes emotionally - by reliving it all over again :-(

But this too shall pass dear - come that magical 30 day mark ;-)

Not sure what it is about that number, but there's something very real to it, which is why 30 days of no contact can be beneficial particularly when it's not about the man, but more about clarity.

But I imagine that around the 30 day mark, you're going to start to feel much better, so hang in there :-); June 26, 2013 at 11:33 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror and everybody!

I am here just to greet you and inform you that I have met an interesting man through a dating site. Maybe it will develop somehow, it is too early to say. I am writing this just to encourage the other ladies here not to give up communicating with new people. I noticed one thing: When I was starting to give up and lose faith because I thought it was almost impossible to meet a nice man online, I didn´t meet anybody nice indeed. Then I regained my optimism and lo and behold - a nice man appeared almost instantly! So far it has been going very well, no problems. Keep your fingers crossed for me and don´t give up!

I wish you all the best, HopefulWithMan; June 27, 2013 at 4:01 AM
Anonymous said...: Well it's been almost 2 months and I haven't heard from Cappie. The last text I sent him was almost a month ago and I did tell him I was hurt. Maybe he knows and senses that I am too emotional at the moment and he will not contact me till he feels enough time has passed so I could be over it. They say Capricorns have this psychic kind of ability. Or maybe all the plans we made and what he said weren't true. I do miss talking to him. Why would he wait so long to contact me? There's unfinished business here especially since our families know each other. I do feel in my gut that he will reach out but the question is when... feeling down but slowly getting stronger.

-- Aries Chick; June 28, 2013 at 11:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror your right. Not being in contact with him has made my emotions level out and see things clearly. He won't find another woman like me and if he's willing to lose me then he does not deserve me!!!

--Aries Chick; June 28, 2013 at 11:55 AM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror, Gemini 50 and everybody!
This is Hopeful again. I have only now read the previous posts and what a coincidence, you wrote about online dating.

I am 47 and I started online dating and dating at all about a year ago after being totally single for about two years. By totally single I mean my ex-boyfriend had got married a year before so my mind and heart were finally free. Over this past year my views on dating and men in general have changed and I have changed as well, especially I as a woman but also I as a person. I understand your fear of losing the feeling of privacy. I felt exactly like that. When I started, I thought about each reply I got and felt through everything I wrote in my answers. I didn´t want to disappoint a man who seemed to like me but I didn´t like, when somebody was impolite, I got angry in front of the computer, when a man didn´respond after some email exchange, I felt miserable, etc. So at the start it was quite exhausting emotionally. Over time, however, communication became a routine and I stopped taking it personally. I read an answer, replied - or not - and switched off the computer. On the next day I just routinely checked my mail but without any emotional anticipation which I felt at the beginning of online dating. You have to acquire the skill to date online, that´s all.

Another thing I learned in the course of time was to sort out men right from the start. I have learned that good signs are the following:
- communication is consistent and regular;
- he wants to talk to you either by phone or in person relatively soon - perhaps after a few days, two-three weeks maximum.

If the above isn´t true he is either not single or just killing time with you or doesn´t want a real relationship although he might say so. E.g. I had corresponded with one man for about three months when he finally invited me for a date. When I said yes, he cancelled. Then he reappeared after about two months and I, not having Mirror´s advice yet, responded, to which he disappeared again. Not a single phone call with this one. Unless you only want to correspond with someone, such a man is a waste of time.

I would say that online dating is hard work because once you are there for quite some time you discover that:
- there are the same men under different names;
- many men are looking for a different type of woman, so you may be nice and attractive and it´s good for nothing if the man is looking for someone different;
- there are some nice men but you don´t like them for one reason or another;
- the men you like are players or emotionally dangerous in a different way;
- this list could go on and on.

The overall benefits are:
- you feel you are doing something to change and hopefully improve your personal life;
- you gain a lot of experience of meeting people and differentiating those who you want from others;
- instead on the past you focus on your potential future;
- in some cases, even though the man isn´t a potential partner, you have a nice first and last date with him, you learn about other people´s problems and don´t focus so much on your own;
- eventually you might find the right one, who knows?

So don´t give up. I wish everybody all the best and have a nice weekend, HopefulWithMen

P.s.: This last man has been nice but... who knows? I might be back asking Mirror for advice. But I must repeat what I have written already - her advice is so eye opening, I have learned very much from this site and I am very thankful for it. (-:; June 28, 2013 at 5:05 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Ok, everyone :) I did it. I'm out "there" on a dating site for 1 month.

And, there is no way any coward of a man is going to message me. (hahaha)

When I was writing the stuff, it all made perfect sense in my head... now that I'm done and have had a minute to breath, I crack myself up! I put up so many roadblocks, these guys are just going to shake their heads and go looking for an easy target. Too funny. But, I did it, so that's success!

Oh, and while I was reading Hopeful's encouragement before I took this leap online (thank you dear) a huge lightening strike hit and blew out my home alarm -- the alarm went ablazing until it appeared to burn itself out.

A warning signal, I hope not.

oh well... wish me luck! :); June 28, 2013 at 8:20 PM
Saggi said...: Dear Mirror,

Five weeks ago my boyfriend of three months split up with me. While three months is not long, it was an intense relationship, and we both talked of marriage.

He has anger issues (I admit, not a good thing), got angry and broke up with me over trivial issues, including me asking "stupid questions" and mentioning other guys to him.

I tried reasoning with him, and telling him I wanted to make it work, but he told me he was "sick of my bullsh*t" and basically deleted me from his life.

This was five weeks ago. During the past five weeks, I've gone through ups and downs, and like a drug addiction, I've craved him, and I've been tempted to contact him on numerous occasions, although the cravings have gradually subsided over this period of time.

A few days ago, I was overcome with a really strong urge to reach out to him, and even drafted a text message that I was going to send him. But I stopped myself.

Well, I am SO glad I stayed strong. Low and behold, two days ago, I got a missed call from him. I haven't returned his call.

I also just wanted to share that I couldn't understand why he didn't want to make it work with me, and had horrible visions of him dating a "better" woman. But, obviously, by not contacting him, I've got under his skin. Me disappearing on him has obviously done something, and after five weeks, he's thought about me enough to try and call.

Since the very start of the relationship, he's held the power. Whenever he's threatened to break up with me, I've always begged him to try and make it work. I feel like this power has shifted, and now I'm the one in control.

Mirror, how should I play this? Do I call him back? Do I message him? Or do I just ignore the call and wait for him to contact me again?

Thanks for your wisdom,
Saggi; June 28, 2013 at 9:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggi,
Ultimately, the choice is yours. However, I generally suggest that women remain non-responsive until they hear the man express remorse in some way accompanied by an invitation to "talk" such as, "I'm sorry, can we talk?"

The apology lets you know that he's THOUGHT about what's taken place and he's remorseful and willing to accept responsibility for the role he may have played. The invitation to talk lets you know that he's READY to communicate about it in a serious manner.

A disappearing man is a risk for a woman and jumping right back into a relationship with one is an even bigger risk. If the man thinks he can snap his fingers and jump right back into the woman's life, generally, he'll soon take her for granted again.

So it's important to place obstacles before him that he has to overcome in a sense. It's important to make him "work" for it, to prove himself as genuinely interested and genuinely remorseful and genuinely willing to work it out.

He has to prove himself genuine. He has to be willing to start from scratch.

If it reaches that point and he does this, then you set clear boundaries. When he doesn't treat you well, you show him consequences instead of showering him with attention and affection (pleading, crying, etc.):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

And if he's not willing to do these things and/or he makes one or two lame attempts and disappears, consider yourself lucky. Because it signals he wasn't genuinely interested, he wasn't willing to work on it and he wasn't willing to talk it out. And most likely, he would've hurt you again as a result.

If that happens, love yourself enough to be strong enough to let him go and walk away from him :-); June 29, 2013 at 9:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Good for you :-)

Don't take it or the men too seriously dear, hang loose and try to have fun with it. Just get comfortable communicating with different men and use your "filtering" skills when dealing with them. You're going to see all kinds there LOL, so just roll with it ;-)

Don't look at first dates as "day one" of a potential new relationship. Look at them as socializing instead.

And if a man you're interested in drops off the face of the earth, don't view it as rejection. Instead, have a laugh and move on (chances are he'll suddenly reappear anyway, LOL).

Understand that there are "serial daters" there and don't expect that one date will automatically lead to 2, 3, 5, 10 more dates.

And most importantly, keep your perspective. Don't worry about men "picking" YOU. Instead, look at it as YOU who is doing the picking and choosing. Don't focus on whether or not THEY like YOU. Instead, focus on whether or not YOU like THEM.

If you can maintain that stance and that mental attitude, this will do you good dear. It will aide you in your communication, it will aide you in developing an ability to remain detached for a healthy period of time, it will aid you in "filtering" men and it will boost your confidence and help you better realize your value in men's eyes ;-); June 29, 2013 at 9:17 AM
Gemini 50 said...: Thanks a million Ms. Mirror,

Actually, I have no plans to respond to any man unless he shows effort with a 'thought-full' written message.

This effort is more for me to just "do it." Put myself out there and see how this works.

It is scary to see these guys pictures pop up on my computer with "he's viewed you." And who cares if he's viewed me? I don't get that. It's what a man does after he's viewed me that counts.

I did this last night, and this morning there were 12 "winks," over 60 views, plenty of stupid canned "I like your photo's," or "I'm interested," messages, and only one normal message from a man who actually wrote a (1) complete sentence. lol

It seems these guys throw out a fishing line with the "winks" or "likes" and expect you to respond. Really?????

My plan is to look at it a couple times a week. Otherwise, I know what will happen: I'll give in to the uncomfortable feelings, and delete it.

Baby steps with this... and we'll see how it goes.

You and Hopeful were right, I already feel better and it has to do with not dwelling in the past and looking at the future as Hopeful has said. It also has to do with seeing these guys and what they are saying as you had explained. The goggles are lifting. ;)

One guy I-m'd me this morning. I had used the word "mug" for "pic" in profile. He said, "If your picture is a mug, I'll take a dozen."

What the hell does THAT mean? haha And this is a 50+ dating site. oh my goodness...

I'm going to go clean my porch furniture now. :)

HUGS to all!; June 29, 2013 at 10:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"only one normal message from a man who actually wrote a (1) complete sentence. lol"

OMG, I literally laughed out loud when I read that. . .yep, you're dating online alright, LOL ;-) Maintain your sense of humor about it and all will be well.

"It seems these guys throw out a fishing line with the "winks" or "likes" and expect you to respond. Really?????"

Yep, really, LOL. That's why you hang back and observe, don't take it too seriously and learn from it. Because you will begin to notice that it's the same exact behavior many men exhibit in offline reality as well. (Hint, hint, LOL - Scorpio "tapping" you a couple weeks in a row and then retreating, hoping you'll step forward and pursue hehe - it's the same thing ;-)

"He said, "If your picture is a mug, I'll take a dozen." What the hell does THAT mean?"

That's a compliment dear - take it as such. This is what I meant when I said it will help you to realize your overall value to men ;-)

If you want to really have some fun with it and take it in a lighthearted manner. . .every time you log in, imagine that the song from the Twilight Zone begins playing, LOL:

"You are now entering the Twilight Zone. . ."

http://youtu.be/NzlG28B-R8Y; June 29, 2013 at 10:35 AM
KK said...: @Gemini 50: Yay! I think I'm more happy to hear you're going to try it because you let go of the fear associated with it. We all should know by now that fear is what holds us back sometimes (even I still have trouble with that at times)
But you did it, and it's going to be an exercise of sorts, and pretty darn entertaining sometimes :)

Perfect example, and how coincidental.. Last night I receive a message from a complete stranger who says "Hey there gorgeous, I'm in town on business and staying at ____ hotel tonight, wanna hang out?" - Umm NO!
I read it, deleted it and laughed and was grossed out at the same time. This man was 35, so he clearly must have had some luck with that line before. But not with me buddy.
Then I get another message from him 2 hours later , "You really are gorgeous" - Seriously? LOL. Gorgeous is kind of a stretch huh? Reminded me of the 'bad boy' video or PUA. They will shower you in compliments and give you things you want - we all like being called beautiful or gorgeous, they will try to tempt you, but their only goal is to get laid. Haven't checked the site for new mail yet, but I doubt it since I wouldn't put out haha - Totally fine with me!

Mirror, I'd like you're thoughts on this: I sent a reply to the man who asked me if I was still interested in meeting (took a lot of time with my answer, felt very cautious)
I replied "Yes, I would be, it just depends on a couple of things right now" - It was only a question, he wasn't making actual plans, nothing set in stone. (Schedules could be an issue along with me secretly trying to find out his 'real' intentions, without asking. I also injured my hip mid-week (minor muscle tear) so I wanted to recoup and feel better) I also added to my text "Seems like you really want to". He replies back with "Ya I really do want to, I just broke up with my gf". No reply from me. Turned right off. He should want to meet because he's interested and not just interested in 'feeling better' or gaining sympathy from me. He tried to message me a few more times with more silence from my end. The next day he texted again, asking how I was doing (injury), gave him a short vague response of "Fine". Been a couple days, nothing else has been said. I'm hoping he can sense I'm not impressed, it should be rule #1 that you don't bring up ex's in the first few weeks - makes the other person feel like a rebound. A 'filler'.
Should I really be that pissed about it? I had the intention of only meeting someone new and maybe making a new friend. As far as that goes, would you just let it go and dismiss it? Feel a bit torn between the two.; June 29, 2013 at 11:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
Yea, that's ones a "next please!" He made a Freudian slip there with the mention of his girlfriend, "reveal a source outside the speech." He revealed that his motivation is to get over his ex (which many men erroneously believe is actually done by sleeping with as many other women as possible instead of dealing with the loss).

It basically signals a need to "use" other women to help him with the loss.

Don't let that "used" woman end up being you ;-)

And don't be pissed about it, he's not worth the energy emission there. Express sympathy for him to a subtle extent, wish him well, wish him luck - and keep moving forward :-); June 29, 2013 at 11:39 AM
Lady Leo said...: Hello everyone,

Ok, here is the latest update on the Taurus who cancelled when "something" came up. 2 days after, he texted me saying he wanted to talk with me and was I willing. Bam..! Straight out. Said I had him "all wrong" and he wanted to talk. I managed to hold out hours (LOL) before replying. Said eventually we would, but not right now. He was extremely supportive and said he'd wait for me and he wasn't going anywhere. It was odd, actually, but refreshing.

We texted over next few days and he was getting frustrated at not being able to talk or see me. He seem to associate that with feeling rejected. He asked again to see me and I agreed to meet today. He took full responsibility for breaking the date in a stupid way and was very humble. He apologized and was very expressive. I did NOT ask why he cancelled as I felt he was almost overly emotional. I've decided to ask him tomorrow when I see him for date #3.

I will say that today we spent almost 6 hrs together and half way through, he tried to ask me something then backed down, saying it was "inappropriate". I asked if it was about sex and he said no. An hour later, he brought it up and guess what it was?? He said "I like you and was wondering what you'd think about us both removing our dating profiles from the site?" Wow...was that a shocker or what?! I thanked him for asking and said I would consider it. Its only been 2 weeks with 2 dates, however he calls me several times a day. With our mutual connections and emotional "comfort" with each other he says he feels more connected with me and that he feels he can be himself for the first time with a woman. It is not unusual to feel that in our world, so I am not surprised. His actions match his words, and I do like him, but I DON'T want this escalating at warp speed only for it come crashing to earth because emotions can't be handled.

He is so respectful, made no moves on me and said he will wait until I am ready for a first kiss. We're both 48 for goodness sake!! It's nice to feel this and see a man who isn't a snake oil charmer.

@Hopeful...congrats on meeting your new gentleman. I do hope he makes you happy :)

Keep at it girls, I am not initiating with this man, I dont answer every call or text and I keep focusing on me. It "seems" to do the trick!; June 30, 2013 at 2:18 AM
VirgoPal said...: Hey Ladies-

I have an update on my disappearing reappearing man....AGAIN!

To refresh everyone- I met my "guy" last September at the gym. He is now a Radiologist, but he was in residency when I met him. About 3 months ago I stopped talking to him because I thought he was trying to use me for sex...especially since I am a virgin. He is a classic case of NPD ( if you don't what it is, look it up ladies!) I was doing so well and feeling better than ever after disappearing on him in March.

So guess who I saw about 3 weeks ago? You guessed it! It was him. I saw him at the gym of course. He asked me how I was..I was very gentle and playful because it's never good to let them feel they can control your emotions. We talked about our jobs, and I asked him about taking his boards. He played coy if I shouldn't have known that information. The reason why I think he withheld the information before is because he didn't want me to know that he was nearly done with his program? Why? Because he wanted me to think he would be in town for a while, and thus, I would be more receptive to sex with him. He asked why I didn't call him...the nerve, right?

Well he realized that I knew a lot of information about it, so he didn't deny it nor confirm it. He said he would call me during the middle of next week, and I said " oh, after you are done taking your boards."

So I get a text message at work from the dude the next week. I'm honestly annoyed, but now I am intrigued because I figured he may start admitting some of the things he lied about it. I played a long...we actually met up that weekend. I went to his house, and he wasted no time trying to seduce me. Then he starting blabbing about other girls and taking someone to Victoria Secret..very annoying, but I didn't care because I was done at that point. It was very revealing how arrogant he is and how he attempted to make me insecure.Hell, he even mentioned during the night how other girls said he was great in bed!...Seriously! I rarely heard about other chicks before..so I am thinking he finally bagged someone in bed.

Cont....; June 30, 2013 at 4:56 PM
VirgoPal said...: Anyways,even though I initially agreed to meet him because I wanted to get a lot of things off my chest, I leaned more towards forgiving him and friendship during the encounter. He was in a great mood from passing his board, and I didn't want to be negative and drudge up old stuff. We even went out to a bar and had a drink together. I was thinking maybe he saw me as one of the "cool" girls now and the stress of residency was an issue in terms of his grouchy behavior in the past.

We talked, and of course he made several sexual passes at me. He said he didn't want sex because he cared about me which I thanked him for. We even chatted until 4 am. During the week while I was out of town he texted me wanting to see me before he left town. I was out of town, so I said maybe next weekend and I'll let him know.; June 30, 2013 at 5:07 PM
VirgoPal said...: cont.....

Fast forward to this past Thursday: I texted "maybe tomorrow." He texted me back " You wannna get laid?" I could only roll my eyes to the idiot while I tried so hard not to flip out on him. Like seriously, after all this time...the same damn thing. He texted me a sad face, and I asked why? He responded " You are just not ready." I basically told him it's not all about him, and my readiness was more about his behaviors and not mines.

Next day...I get a text message this past Friday night...It reads " Well...." In the past when he did this I knew he was trying to sleep with me...so I played a long and was going to set up a meeting but not show up to teach him a lesson.

Him: " So what do you really want in life again...I already know, but I want you to just say it again."
(side note: He knows I am looking for a relationship...)

Me: "you know what I want, and I know what you want."

Him: I only want company. Nothing else. Smiley face

Me:lol..I know..I peeped your game since the first date

Him: Yup..just company. The time I wanted it is now over; you missed your chance.

(side note: this is the day before he left my city for another training program; obviously he's upset at me and is attempting to "dump" me thinking I want him still.).

Me: Nah..I've been good...After lying about being a virgin, hearing you were trying to sleep with another chick at the same time you were doing the same to me, ignoring my calls on purpose, trying to threaten me into having sex...then one day in in December I realized the sex would prob be lame anyways...that you would be a terrible husband, controlling, a user, an abuser...I didn't want to talk to YOU! Yet, you keep calling my phone despite that fact I rejected you in bed countless times. Get real. Thank you for helping me pass time and to learn about toxic men. Don't ever call or text me again. I forgot to tell you that in March...I won!

And I haven't heard from him since.; June 30, 2013 at 5:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoPal,
Excellent dear, good for you!

I've flipped the script many times myself before like that....on men who deserve it...a dose of their own ignorant medicine. Men who use threats, apply pressure, attempt to cause insecurities to surface and then get downright ignorant over their failure and utter lack of respect towards women...bring this shit on themselves and honestly, they deserve it.

You gave him something to think about, you outsmarted him and you prevailed..his game came crashing down in his face...and he was humbled in the process to boot. A man who sets out with bad intention like that deserves every bit of it...karma.

Listening to all that talk and him being evasive during the process about his own life...big red flag dear. Stringing you along by planting seeds while being evasive...red flag. If a man isn't sharing and he's doing lots of talking while dodging direct questions...big red flag. A genuine man shares, a man with bad intention leaves vague gaps...so you can't use that information to figure him out or catch him double talking red handed.

You observed, you filtered, you stood strong, you used your smarts, you protected yourself from being used and hurt, you didn't grant any benefit of the doubt and use it to "fill in his gaps" for him....and you ultimately held more power than him....and thus became his karma ;-); June 30, 2013 at 7:49 PM
Lady Leo said...: Breaking news.....

Had the "talk" with the Taurus. He told me how he felt about me, we openly discussed everything about what we wanted from each other and all that. We had out first kiss, on date #3...LOl...and....

We have agreed to remove our profiles, see only each other and "give this a try".

Now the work really begins, doesn't it?; June 30, 2013 at 11:30 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Lady Leo and everybody!

Thanks, I am happy for you too. You Taurus man seems to be a good prospect.

My situation has changed though. My man is nice, not a manipulator I think, but... there always must be a but, mustn´t it?... he seems to have a bit of a drink problem. I am not 100% sure, but my intution is warning me and it is usually right. I am afraid I won´t be able to deal with it. :-(
Hopeful or Hopeless again(?)WithMen; July 1, 2013 at 4:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror
I dont know if you remember me but im anonymous june 2nd 3.28pm.
Just asking a bit more advice aout my long distance guy,well ever since i have come back home i have texted him and i just asked how he was and he has ignored me and that was nearly 5 weeks ago.
I just dont know what to do from here,im feeling so down and upset and i have not reached out to him again.
It just upsets me that he has ignored me but he is posting status and photos on facebook about what he has been up to and replying to peoples comments while i have just been completely ignored.
Do u think i should unfriend him? what message will that send out to him?
Im feeling so stupid,i thought he generally liked me.
He didnt want me 11 years ago what made me think he wanted me now,ive been a fool.
I know i shouldent reach out to him again,i guess he was after one thing.
any advice u can give me,im feeling a bit lost.; July 1, 2013 at 4:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 1, 4:46PM,
Well, unfortunately dear, I don't have much to offer. Because I think you're seeking "actions" to take to gain some control over the situation. But the reality is, the way to "do" something - is to do absolutely nothing.

And by that, I mean no contact - no response. He will most likely tap you at some point in the future and when he does - do nothing - no response, no contact.

But until that happens, there's nothing you can do. If you unfriend him, that basically helps HIM - it reassures him that you care, that he upset you and that he got to you. I imagine you don't want to give him any reassurances such as that, so my suggestion would be to leave things be - and stay away from Facebook.

If you continue to check up on him or his activity there, you're going to prolong this for yourself. "Hide" his updates from your news feed and stay off his page. It will help you.

The best thing to do is to get "active" elsewhere. Exercise off the anxiety you're currently suffering, burn it off in healthy ways. Schedule lunches/dinners with friends, take a walk, rent a movie, buy yourself some new clothes - whatever distracts your mind and builds your confidence.

The more active and fulfilling your own personal life is - the less you will find yourself dwelling on him and the situation :-); July 1, 2013 at 5:05 PM
Anonymous said...: i av bn dating this guy for 7months. previously if he disappears i wl call him, txt him and cry. when i read your blog i now use ur rubber band theory and instead he accuses me of seeing someone and cheating. he acts very cold towards me. dont know what to do now.; July 3, 2013 at 11:36 AM
Anonymous said...: OMG!!!!! I have to say Mirror is so right. I just had an ex-boyfriend that I dated 9 years ago (very briefly like 2 months) just contact me. He did something really effed up and totally unforgivable so I just disappeared. Anywoo!!!! He contacted me at my JOB ( first he emailed me), then a week later he sent another email asking if I was so and so ( guess he was attempting to gauge if I was interested), then a week later he called me at my office number. I almost died when I picked up the phone and heard his voice. He knew it was me and I knew it was him but I played if off as if he had the wrong number. Afterwards he sent an email apologizing for his immature behavior. Guess he had an epiphany of some sort but I never responded cuz to be its been 9 years and I forgave him and moved on with my life a while ago. Forgiveness wasn't for him but for me, so I could move on and let go.

So you see ladies they do come back, MOST a lot sooner than others. Obviously this guy needed to grow up ( we were young). I have one now doing a disappearing act on me for about a month and a half so I expect him to reappear in another month or so, we do have some unfinished business and a connection. I know he will be back but I'm not sweating it, he will never find another like me that's for sure ;)

--Aries Chick; July 3, 2013 at 11:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 3, 11:36AM,
His insecurities are not your problem to solve dear. The bottom line is that he was treating you poorly. When you leveled the playing field to stand up for yourself and to look out for yourself, he's now making accusations which signal he's insecure.

This is unfair and it's manipulation of sorts - attempting to make you feel guilty for leveling the playing field and calling him on his crap treatment of you (disappearing). Don't fall for it.

If you do, there will be a power imbalance one again - and you'll be on the losing end of the stick - again.

If he's making strong accusations based on nothing valid, then one of two things are most likely happening:

1) He's very insecure, which is why he was playing games and disappearing in the first place probably - to maintain power over you. By keeping you in your place, he feels better about himself.

2) He's accusing you of what he might be doing (when he disappears) - he could be "projecting." Meaning, he knows what he's doing when he disappears and it's no good. As a result, he automatically assumes that when you behave in the same manner - that must mean you're doing the same thing he's doing when he behaves in that manner.

I'm sorry and I know that's not what you wanted to hear - and I may be entirely wrong; it could just be a simple case of insecurity.

But know this dear - insecure men DO NOT make good lovers, boyfriends or husbands. . .and you're now seeing EXACTLY why that's the case :-(; July 3, 2013 at 4:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Pisces FishLover here,
I feel do pathetic!!!! I broke no contacr last night. I sent him a text that I hope things sre better for him and he's doing okay. No response. I almost had 3 weeks!! I feel do much worse. Oh why did I do thos to myself? I can't stop crying and I feel sick. Of anyone reading this is thinking of breaking NC , don't do it!!! Ot hurts so bad!!; July 3, 2013 at 11:02 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I'm struggling with someone who has disappeared on me several times. The thing is when he returns I always make him wait several days but this is not working as he re-disappears again, maybe I need to make him wait longer... My worry is because I never say anything about his disappearance and although I do make him wait a bit ,I'm concerned he is getting the message that it is ok to keep on disappearing on me and by me not saying anything am I permitting this behaviour to continue?

I read your post to @Anonymous July 3, 11:36AM, and notice you comment that by disappearing yourself you are
'calling him on his crap treatment of you (disappearing). Don't fall for it.'

Are you saying to disappear yourself is enough and the best way to clearly communicate that disappearances are unacceptable and you won't put up with this treatment?

I do know that in my heart that I have to disappear to protect myself but I just want him to stop treating me badly and at the moment he keeps getting away with it as I'm saying nothing.

So confused :(; July 4, 2013 at 7:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 4, 7:20AM,
Words and emotions are the language of women - ACTIONS is the language of men dear. Don't bother to use words to communicate that this is unacceptable (they go in one ear and out the other). Instead, use ACTION.

Let's look at this through the lens of "consequence." Because we all know that when your dog pees on the floor, you do not reward that behavior with your time, attention and affection - instead, the dog receives a consequence (being placed outside).

So when he disappears on you, right now his only consequence for that is - several days absence (possibly not even an absence that equaled the length of his disappearance).

In a man's world - several days is a drop in the bucket. That simply gives them a few more days to run around with the boys and his friends.

You have two options here: Mirroring and No Contact (No Response, 30 days).

If you're going to "mirror" his behavior, then you need to mirror the length of his disappearance equally. If he's gone for three weeks, you do not respond for three weeks. If he's gone for two weeks, you do not respond for two weeks. That's how you level the playing field - via equality.

If you use no contact, which I think it's definitely time for, then that means no contact and no response for at least 30 days - no exceptions.

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

Because the reality here dear is that, he's treating you poorly because - you're permitting it :-( Within a few days, you're jumping right back in. When instead, you should be pulling way back. And not only should you be pulling way back, you should also be setting boundaries by making him work to PROVE himself to you (as genuinely interested) BEFORE you jump back in.

And by proving himself to you, I mean, he should be expressing remorse (an apology) that is garnered by you being away SO LONG, that he is FORCED to THINK about what HE'S DONE. You should be out of his reach for so long that eventually he starts to think, "Why isn't she answering me, where has she gone, who is she with? She's never done this before, what's going on, what'd I do?"

And once that happens, a genuinely interested man will express remorse and will invite a talk, "I'm sorry, can we talk?"

And then you get to express what's on your mind without having to nag him for a talk to do so. If he never does that, then you need to walk away for good because he's not a genuinely interested man. This is how you "filter" men out as dateable versus undateable. Because not every man is worth a woman's time dear :-(

Cont. . .; July 4, 2013 at 8:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: So how are you filtering him to determine if he's worth dating or not? How are you filtering him to determine if he's even "commitment ready" or not? How are you filtering him to determine if he's genuinely interested or not, or simply stringing you along as a sexual option? How are you protecting yourself here dear?

What are the consequences he's receiving for his poor treatment? Because in order to communicate via actions that this is unacceptable, you need to make sure that the consequences delivered are equal in "weight" to the bad behavior, so that a STRONG message is sent:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

If his disappearances are for much longer than several days, then you pulling back for several days is not an equal consequence. If he disappears for a month and then you reappear several days and he contacts you again - one month versus several days is NOT equal and will NOT send the message.

In either case, he's beyond that at this point, having disappeared repeatedly. So now, you need to find out:

1) Is he READY for a commitment?

2) Is he "dateable" material?

3) Is he genuinely interested, or simply stringing you along as a sexual option?

I'd suggest using no contact (no response) for 30 days solid. I'd also suggest no response even after 30 days until you hear, "I'm sorry, can we talk?" And I'd suggest that while you're in this no contact period, you focus on YOURSELF and not him.

Do things to boost your confidence. Get a new hairstyle/haircolor, buy new clothes to build out your wardrobe, new shoes/bags, some nice costume jewelry, have lunch with friends, pick up an old hobby and begin it again, take walks, start exercising, read and educate yourself about men and dating - "fill" up your life.

Because the more fulfilling your own life is, the less unfulfilled you will permit yourself to be with a man ;-); July 4, 2013 at 8:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Fish Lover,
Well dear, it was a relapse LOL :-)

It's not the end of the world and I didn't hear the earth crack in half last night - so it's okay.

This will simply serve as a very valuable lesson to you dear. And that lesson is - YOU'RE WORTH IT. You're worth protecting and looking out for. And no man is worth this pain.

Unfortunately, you've set yourself back to square on here emotionally. As a result, you're going to suffer those emotions again. But as I said, this is a valuable lesson - this is something positive, even though right now, it appears as something negative.

Having been through this, you will now never let this happen to you again. You will now know that no man is worth this indignity to yourself. And you will now seek to protect yourself from that and these painful feelings in the future. All very good things :-)

If and when you receive a response (because you're probably going to within the next two weeks or so and it's probably going to be something lame, LOL - do NOT respond. Go into no contact again for 30 days, and don't worry about coming out of it. Do this for yourself, not for him and not in the hopes that he'll return. Do this to detach.

It will empower you and it will make you stronger and it will make all of this eventually subside :-); July 4, 2013 at 9:11 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Pisces Fish Lover,

We've all done it... many are thinking of doing it... and your post will keep others from doing it (thank you).

Take a breath or many, take care of yourself today and follow Ms. Mirror's advice for when he contacts you. YOU are worth it! :)

@Ms. Mirror and All,

Update on the dating site: UGH! First, I paid for a month, so I'm keeping it open for a month; I'm not backing out on that commitment.

I went back on it last night after zero'ing out all the flirts, likes, yes's, and messages on Sunday.

It's more of the same. Lazy men shooting off canned lines. And from all over the country -- I just don't get that.

Anyway, the experience has been positive for me to see how this online stuff works, to identify laziness, to see the lines being used, and to trust myself. Only 3-weeks to go before it's off! ;)

Hugs to all, and keep giving this great advice Ms. Mirror -- you are amazing and so needed in this world! Thank you for what you do.; July 4, 2013 at 10:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody!

@Gemini 50
I am happy to hear that you are taking online dating easy and using it for your own good! And maybe someone nice will appear sooner or later, nobody can tell.

As for my "nice" man, I am now certain he has a drink problem because he has shown some aggressive traits. Having absorbed all Mirror´s advice I know it´s time to move on. There is nothing else I can do, unfortunately. :-(

I have another piece of news. The player has contacted me again. As Mirrror said, he is obviously rotating some women and he´s run out of supplies in this holiday season I guess. Mirror is absolutely right about reappearing men. I am not going to reply as I have lost interest.

The weather is so beautiful here in Europe. I would like to go out with a pleasant companion but at the moment I can only dream about it. Maybe this phase of life is a preparation for the right man; if he came, I would definitely appreciate him more than before I started online dating!
All the best to everybody.
HopefulWithMen; July 4, 2013 at 12:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous July 4, 7:20AM here, and message for Pisces lover.

Thank you so much for your advice you are definitely right I have not been leaving it for long enough and letting him stew in his juices.

I need to reply properly to your post as I'm processing it right now but just wanted to acknowledge and thank you in the meantime.

Dear Pisces lover,

Really funny I was wondering how you were getting on...
I just want to write you a few words of encouragement. Do not be discouraged and disheartened with yourself, you have not failed yourself - you did 3wks that counts for something you know, alright it's not the full no contact period but you have to start somewhere and it was a good effort.

It's such a hard thing to do when emotions are involved. I think of it a bit like an addiction in a way and you have to let go of ways of being, behaving and patterns basically that have been with you for a long time - past conditioning. So akin to a smoker who is trying to give up they may have failed attempts but eventually succeed. So if you think of it that someone had given up for 3wks then restarted smoking they would be a bit fed up but they would know that they have the capacity to do this again and maybe give up permanently sometime.

I think your fella will still get a message that you're not a push over as 3wks is 3wks and it's not like you've been on his case, you've had some strength to hold out. So give your self some credit and don't be down on yourself it's good practice, you will be able to do it now.

Sending you love; July 4, 2013 at 3:38 PM
Anonymous said...: I've been in contact with a Taurus male for about 9 months now. Tbh we're both 'unavailable'. So I don't understand why I'm feeling like this but he's pressed a button within me. I have never met him, on the two occasions we arranged to meet he cancelled. The first time because he reconnected with an ex (that fell apart), the 2nd time due to a family crisis. He lives some distance away from me.

A couple of months ago I noticed he was blowing hot & cold so I stopped contact. Sure enough he contacted me, we talked it through and agreed to be friends etc..it soon escalated, guess can't undo what has been done. True to form he was running hot and I'm now in the cold phase. I have noticed over last couple of weeks it's always me that initiates contact. He responds quickly & friendly but I'm getting frustrated that it's always me that initiates. His responses via text are fairly short & I'venoticed that he's flirting with another woman online (he did this the last time).

I know I'm wasting my time but I can't switch my head off..it's pathetic, I feel angry with myself.; July 4, 2013 at 6:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Pisces Stinky Fishlover here,
Thanks everyone for all of your support. I was thinking thst at least I was only wishing him well with breaking NC. I feel better in the fact that I didn't tell him to go f@@@ himself or anything. I have never been anything but respectful to him. Actually we never said a harsh word to one another or even came close to a fight. At least I never came across like an unhinged psycho. . A sap? Ha ha! Maybe. But a sap with class. Lol!
Anyway I have a feeling he will try to weasil his way into my heart when he gets his sh!-t together. I WILL NOT CAVE! I will come straight here and re-read these posts and remember how I feel now. I don't ever want to go through this again.
Thanks again everyone! Your support is really helping :)
Good luck to everyone ((hugs)); July 4, 2013 at 8:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

I'm the Anonymous pisces girl that wrote you the long tragic story of my experience with that Aries male who was clearly out to only use me... on the 4th of June... Thank you also CW for your comment thereon :)

Well, I listened to your advice and did not send him a message... But... I recently started posting pics on instagram again, and out of curiosity I decided to go peak at his account (which I haven't done for months, as I was trying really hard to forget about him)... But then being a sucker for art, especially his, I decide to like 3 of his pics... In my mind I reasoned that I just wanted to send good vibes and find peace, weather I would hear from him or not didn't matter to me...

So then a few hours later he started to follow me on it... I followed back... Then today, he liked one of my pics and sent a message on it asking me how I am...

Now what? Should I ignore him? Should I just reply in a friendly neutral manner?

Would really appreciate your advise on how to handle this, and what to look out for here...

Thank you; July 5, 2013 at 6:58 AM
Anonymous said...: @ July 5, 2013 at 6:58 AM

"Well, I listened to your advice and did not send him a message..."

You didn't follow through on Mirror's advice. "liking" three of his pics is contact. You initiated contact again. If this man genuinely liked you and was interested, he would have sought you out.

I doubt Mirror's advice to you would be any different from what she said before. This man was seeking you out for sex and you fell for it and slept with him and then his interest in you started to wane and he was ignoring your texts.

You should proceed at your own peril but remember a man who just wants you for sex isn't going to suddenly wake up (after you reached out to him) and realize he wants a real relationship with you. If he wanted that, you would have heard from him.

Best Wishes!; July 5, 2013 at 10:53 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

Can I ask you a bit of advice on disappearing man.

I think mine maybe gone for good now. We met on-line initially but both of our subscriptions finished.

I've checked externally (without leaving footprints) and he's not been on-line for sometime now.

My question is now that I think he has pulled a dumping stunt on me, a part of me wants to go back on there to show him (angry) that I'm getting on with things and create some anxiety for him. As I think that my subsequent disappearance of nearly 3wks now will prompt him to have a look on there to check out what I'm up to. He did this a couple of times in the early days when I didn't give him the reaction he expected.

I am going to go back on-line dating on a new website as the one we were on well there's not many in my area, so a total waste of time.

So the only reason for going back on there is literally to try and cause some anxiety for him that he maybe losing me.

However, I don't know if this is a good idea and I'd be better off making myself completely invisible, leaving him with totally no idea what I'm doing and making myself scarce and vanishing into thin air.

Also, there is the consideration that if he does see me on there then he might be able to use it against me in terms of playing games with my head, so not sure if it would backfire
What do you think?

thank you; July 5, 2013 at 10:53 AM
Lady Leo said...: Hello all,

Thought I'd update you with some positive news for a change. :)

The Taurus and I are enjoying a very nice dating experience. He is beyond respectful. He makes no inappropriate sexual comments, does not over compliment me like a player would. His actions match his words, he asks me out days in advance, he calls frequently, and...he has asked that we date exclusively. :) He is quite simply the total opposite of any man I've dated in recent past. A true gentleman.

Now, I still make sure to not take every call, and wait a while to reply to texting. Yesterday he called, left a message. Less than an hour later when I didn't call back, he texted asking where I was, he was trying to reach me. I was busy so didnt respond. He called again. So, the rubber band tension serves a purpose. He is valuing me because *I* am valuing myself.

I believe the last 5 months since the Sag disappeared have been amazing growth opportunities. I've learned to be gentle with me and build myself back up and now it seems the payoff is here. Keep following MOA's advice, friends....and open you willingness to meet more men.

Let go and let it be.

:); July 5, 2013 at 12:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear "anonymous 5 July, 2013 6:58...

Thank you for your two cents dear, but just to be clear, I did not 'reach out to him' by liking his pics because I'm hoping to have a relationship with him! I simply want peace and to put this whole ordeal to rest...

I have never ever had a man dissapear on me like that, in fact I always managed to be friends with former boyfriends... this has been the worst experience of my life, and I simply wanted to establish peace so that I can move on...

Pisces girl with aries male experience....; July 5, 2013 at 12:45 PM
Lady Leo said...: Hi Gemini50 :)

I just thought I'd give you some feedback, even though you haven't asked :)

I feel you will benefit and gain nothing from online dating because your trepidation and attitude towards it is fear based and quite negative. I truly say this with love and hope to shine a light for you.

Your statement of "Only 3 more weeks to go" till your off is just posting such negative karma the universe will be forced to deliver what you've delivered.

May I suggest you look at online dating as an OPPORTUNITY to meet great and enlightening men? The Taurus I am now dating is a lovely gentleman who sent me a very respectful and polite email on a dating site that I had literally just enrolled in 24 hours earlier. This after a lot of pain from the disappearing Sag, Aries drip, Leo lineman who played hot and cold. What's the key for me? I never gave up a positive attitude. I force fed myself gratitude and smiled through gritted teeth but I "Faked it till I made it". And the man I am seeing now is clearly a sign that the universe is rewarding my efforts.

Try it my dear....don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle.; July 5, 2013 at 1:24 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Pisces girl with aries male

Sounds like you're still struggling through the emotions brought on by his actions. I know it's difficult.

Mirror advocates NC so you can work on yourself and move on. I doubt this is something this man can help you with but you know him better.

More often that not (and I'm sure you've read some of the stories here) contacting the disappearing guy only causes more heartache and confusion. You may not want a relationship from him but you are still seeking some sort of explanation from him to help you feel better. This puts him in a position of "power" and gives him the opportunity for him to cause more grief.

If you do respond and try to make sense of "what happened", he may tell you want you want to hear or he may not.

Hopefully everything works out and you are able to get the peace you want.

Best Wishes!; July 5, 2013 at 5:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
I'm experiencing a disappearing guy at the moment. I texted him a casual text message about 5 weeks ago and ive not reached out to him again because he has ignored me. Do I stay gone?
Do guys know when they are treating u badly? I just want him to apologise to me.; July 5, 2013 at 5:35 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Lady Leo,
Thank you for your comment. You are right on one hand, and not on the other.

One hand: I have come to realize and accept and am comfortable with knowing I won't meet anyone on a dating site at this time. I joined because of a suggestion, and it was a good suggestion -- a great suggestion.

The other hand: This has been beneficial to me as an educational experience. It is practice at identification and selection (non). Clicking NO may be just as important for me as clicking YES is for another.

And quite, honestly, I now see I am still not ready to date... and that's ok.

So why am I doing it? First, from Ms. Mirror's suggestion. And maybe I can't explain it as well as I'd like to, but second, forcing myself to continue to do this is a test for me -- not a test of whether I will find a good man, but rather a test of being publicly vulnerable yet staying in control.

Every path we take is with one step at a time. My pace may not be to other's measures, and maybe others will not understand, but it's ok.

The online laziness and odd messages are humorous and leaves me shaking my head mostly. My actions of selecting NO or DELETING the messages have no real consequence to these lazy men, yet have a huge benefit to me.

The one normal message I received, I responded to kindly.

Thank you Ms. Mirror. I am gaining benefit out of NOT going on the site (I am keeping to my 2x/wk plan), of selecting NO and DELETE to lazy men's efforts, and NOT making "having a man in my life" a priority.

I have come to realize, except for a full year's time around 1991-1992, I have never spent more than 3 months without a man in my life in some relationship capacity -- dating, off/on, serious, etc. 3 months!

Now, I am focusing on me 100%. I don't have a choice. It's just me.

I will continue to keep trying to stretch out of my comfort zone without harming others. And, yes, I am counting down the weeks until my one month is up, maybe just as some may count up their days of sobriety.

When I am done, it will be an accomplishment, and one step further along the path I am on.

I love hearing your success and happiness, Lady Leo, with the new man in your life. It gives me hope. :) Please keep sharing -- it's good stuff!

Hugs to all.; July 5, 2013 at 11:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror: UPDATE
Your reply last week (and thank you, btw)… “Hmm, not sure that sits well and kinda reeks of control issues in a sense and I agree, not a good pattern to begin…I think this time, I'd wait for him to contact you and then simply (and calmly) say to him, "Is there something you'd like to talk about?"
So, we talked and all went well. Then, the other night we went out to dinner and got into the conversation about him calling me. He said, “I know it bothers you when I don’t call… I’m not very good at that I know”. And I mentioned that yes – it bothers me because it doesn’t feel warm and fuzzy and it’s hard to warm up to him the next time I see him. In fact, I said - (and I probably should have left this part out) until we had that HOT exchange this morning in our texts, I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to - do you know what… tonight.
(We’ve been dating 6 months and he’ll call maybe 3 times a week or less. I get texts every day or every other day.) But mind you, he’s stated that he’s going to ask me to marry him in another 6 months if we are still going on. So, it just seems weird that we shouldn’t be moving forward a bit more.
So he states, “Really? You really feel that strongly about it?“ I can’t remember how it ended up, but I kind of remember saying that I find it a bit odd, as we’ve both been in previous relationship(s) and I don’t remember this ever being an issue before (and I’ve been dating him a lot longer than some people I’ve dated). I've even googled this issue and saw this same issue affected other women as well, so it gave me the confidence to (hopefully and tactfully) express my feelings. (Evan Katz basically said that.. “think of it as simple cost/benefit analysis.Time it costs you to call her to say good night and ask about her day: Ten minutes. Women crave connection, my man. And until you’ve got a ring on her finger and are signing your marriage contracts, it’s very reasonable for her to be concerned about the health of your relationship.”
So the next night I wanted to reciprocate back and I asked him what I could do for him. He said really nothing. Then he said, “Well, I am going to have a teenager in high school and yours will be gone, so maybe just patience. I don’t want to have regrets about raising him so maybe we need to take things slow. I don’t want to make another mistake and I know you don’t…”
So, this doesn’t sound good to me, but I know you often mention men do the rubber band thing. I mean, a month ago he was definitely set on asking me to marry him (future, that is) – now, take things slow?? I think I did take him back a bit by stating that I was thinking about not sleeping with him because of a missed connection, but it was true. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that much, but I wanted him to know how much it does bother me… (He probably thought I was trying to punish him.) Or, maybe that’s not it at all?? Maybe he’s just pulling back?
So, I’m hurt and I just want to say, “You know, maybe we should take a break until you are sure about things..” but I don’t want to make it worse. And likewise, I don’t want to be with someone who is re-thinking the future with me either. It hurts mirror. :( ; July 6, 2013 at 9:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror @Anonymous July 4, 7:20AM here,

Thank you for your response and I can see that I was jumping in too quickly after several days and I should have made him wait much longer. All this is by the by now, please see below.

The trouble is I'm struggling to get over a very bad experience I've had and I really feel that I've got my fingers burnt to say the least. The full story is I met someone on-line. Which went off-line pretty much straight away as our subscriptions finished. He asked me to meet up and the idea was that this would happen quite soon, at the time. It is long distance, a few hours and he said he would come to me. Anyway, it didn't end up coming off and he backed off but we both agreed after that we would re-arrange something. I never knew why it didn't happen as I didn't get an honest reason and he tried to make out everything was good and no problem.

Anyway, I sat back and let him do all the initiating as I wanted to gauge his interest and decided to let him initiate the date we were supposed to be rescheduling. He did do initiating but in his own time. For example, there was a couple of times that he left it for two weeks and got intouch like there was nothing wrong. However, he never stepped it up to ask to meet up.

As I was playing it cool and I knew it wasn't for me to push for this I hung back. As said earlier, I realise now that I should have left it for longer than several days to get back to him. With these gaps in communication obviously time was ticking on.

It got to three months and I didn't want to continue with this communication unless we met up in real life and I told him so in a round about way. Anyway, he took it as an ultimatum and he really liked it and started to discuss plans with me and set a date. Of course it was an ultimatum or sorts as there was literally no point in continuing without meeting up. Please note I have NEVER thought that I'm in a relationship with him and my intention was right from the start that I wanted to meet up. However, sadly I admit that I have become a bit emotionally attached to him, I don't know how but true and ridiculous and I feel like a fool. I think there is a possibility that he may of played with my emotions. It turns my stomach to think that there are men out there that would do this to a women and tap into their insecurities and vulnerabilities of wanting a relationship etc and lead them on to get some power from them. Of course I don't know this with him and will probably never know, so I don't know how helpful it is for me to think of him as some narcisscist player type etc. and then beat myself up with it or try to make myself right with it and him wrong.

It's a scary thought though and I do know other woman that are lead on with on-line only to find out 3mths later or whatever that the man is going to back out. It feels very unsafe as you are approaching it being genuine when you could be in the hands of some predator feeding of you.

I'm embarrassed that I let it go on for so long but it was a mixture of things really. As I was trying to gauge his level of interest and he was leaving long gaps in communication and I was leaving gaps to get back to him (not enough I know) - time ticked on. I was unable to say anything as I knew it was not up to me to ask for a date.

I guess I really wanted it to happen and I don't know how but I had become attached and fond of him, or the idea or both and I don't know how I can stop this from happening again in the future. So I didn't want to let it go the chance of the possibility of this developing into something, so I hung in there and he lead me on by continuing to contact me and kept it going for over three months now.; July 7, 2013 at 7:31 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont ...@Anonymous July 4, 7:20AM,

The predicament for me is that the right thing to do was to hold back and observe and gauge his levels of interest and not say anything but with the long gaps and the problem that he was neither willing or able to step it up or let it go either - in the meantime I have become really hurt and attached and I feel like I've been on a emotional rollercoaster ride and it's been like an endurance test, then I'm like how did that happen? Until I decided to do the ultimatum because it was just continuing as he wasn't letting go and I take responsibility that in me responding to him neither was I.

Anyway back to the ultimatum, like I said he responded really well and raised my hopes only to completely dash them. We were talking about who was going to who and set a date I did consider going to him for a brief time, I know this is wrong. He said that he would come to me if that's what I wanted and so said I'd get back to him and I took him up on it.

At this point he completely ignored me and when I suggested we meet half way as then it would be more equal and in the event that we didn't like each other then the other person wouldn't be miles away from home with a big hole in their pocket - he ignored this as well.

It's been 3wks now and because in the past he's occasionally not got back to texts and then acted like there is nothing wrong and so I didn't know whether it was going to be that case this time. Those other times I went through a lot of anxiety not knowing if he was going to contact me and the anxiety that at any point this person could drop me without any explanation but with these times a big part of me had a feeling he would be back and he was.

However, I think this time is different because of the abandoned meeting following my ultimatum and also it has been 3wks and he has never left it that long before. I have started the process of moving on and I'm going to go back on-line dating. However, I'm concerned of the similar thing happening again and becoming attached to someone who is going to let me down and I don't want this to happen again.

The general advice is that you meet off-line as soon as possible, so expectations are not raised, look what happened in my case and although in the beginning that was looking like it was going to happen it didn't come off and later on I felt I was not allowed to ask for this and it was his job until I had no choice but to issue the ultimatum - so confused. It seems so dangerous in terms that someone can just drop you if they've not met you like it's an ok thing to do.

Through circumstances I put my eggs in one basket and I know this is wrong, however, I didn't have a choice as the dating website I was on well there was not many in my area that I liked,so it was impossible to be circular dating. My friend also that I go out with has been messing me about and has let me down as a reliable person to go out with, so I've ended up stuck in. I'm going to try a new dating website though.; July 7, 2013 at 7:33 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont...@Anonymous July 4, 7:20AM,

I don't know how to stop myself from becoming attached, I'm a smart girl but I feel like such a fool and that I've been done over. I don't know if he is a narcisscist or not or a commitment phobic but either I feel he may of manipulated my needs and played with me.

What hurts the most is that he raised my hopes after the ultimatum and lead me to believe it was going to finally happen and then has dropped me and ignored me in such a cruel way.

I do think that if I'd gone to see him I would have met him by now and I think he said he'd come and see me as it's what I wanted to hear and then when I said yes, he thought it was too much work. I know he's been online dating in the past and he said he thought that we'd really like each other but there's always that chance and you don't know. So travelling a distance it's not easy to just way away in the worst case senario. So it could just be a case of that he wasn't willing to put in the work when the chips are down. But what hurts is the thought that it wasn't genuine and I'm a genuine person and you take it in good faith that someone is the same but what if he was just using me for his ego and had no intention of meeting me. I don't know how I can protect myself from this in the future because it has happened to me before (not on-line) but someone a wolf in sheeps clothing who was using me for his own self-esteem. It made me really ill in the end but I really thought I'd learnt from it only to be back in a situation that potentially could has the essence of someone with no good intentions and disingenuine.

Anyway I don't think I will hear from him again unless there is something genuine on his part (which I doubt now) or a divine intervention! Ha ha. I've given him the ultimatum and at the time I realised that I would have to take the consequences, however, what is so hard about it is he lead me on to believe something was going to happen and then dropped me out of nowhere and he shouldn't have done that and it is no way acceptable to be treating others in this way whether you have met them or not, we are all human beings at the end of the day with feelings.

One thing for sure and that I can be thankful for is that I have found the strength not to contact him, his two week stunts have given me good practice. I'm standing my ground on the ultimatum, although I think he has been in control of what he does with me so it does make you feel a bit powerless as he's holding the cards and not playing them and I don't hold much hope of ever hearing from him again.

So I'm having to move on, I don't whether it has come through here but I'm in and out of emotional pain and insecurity but I have no choice but to move on.

I would be very grateful to hear your pearls of wisdom Mirror, I'm coping but not making a good job of it. Sometimes I feel beside myself and I'm having difficulty comforting myself. I've not got much support in terms of real friends and I feel very isolated and alone with this and I feel I need some help to get through this.

Thank you P.s I've checked on-line externally and he's not been on for a long time.; July 7, 2013 at 7:34 AM
Anonymous said...: @Lady Leo

I am glad that you finally met a decent man. I agree with your opinion that when online dating the most important thing is not to give up and maintain a positive attitude. Hopefully, I will be able to regain mine after several disappointments. I admire your willpower but obviously, it has brought you success.(-:

I wish everybody the best.
HopefulWithMen; July 7, 2013 at 11:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 6, 9:51AM,
Well dear, this is why you don't base your decisions about a man on his WORDS - you observe his ACTIONS. They speak MUCH louder than words.

And when a man's actions don't line up with his words - it's a big red flag :-(

Yes, it hurts, it always does. But it's not the end of the world and it's a valuable lesson, so please try to look at the bright side here :-) Sometimes, blessings arrive in disguise, and when they do, you simply move through them with grace and gratitude - you look at them as a valuable teacher and you acknowledge that this person came into your life to teach that message :-)

I don't think anymore words are necessary here honestly. You don't need to explain yourself to a man that isn't asking for an explanation dear. Try to maintain grace and gratitude and dignity here and simply move on as best you can. You don't cry, don't beg and plead. Don't give him power over you like that. You simply disappear. And when/if he's ever ready to talk - he'll seek you out :-)

And regarding all of the reflection you're doing thinking that if you did something different that this outcome would've changed somehow - don't bother. Because the reality is, this probably would've happened anyway.

Instead of thinking about the future with this man, focus on the present with him instead. Instead of worry what he thinks about YOU - worry about what YOU THINK OF HIM. Does he make you happy, or does he mainly cause you anxiety, worry and despair? Is this a man that can fulfill your needs? Is he a man that's even WILLING to focus on fulfilling someone else's needs besides his own?

Maybe it's time to stop and think about whether or not this man can truly make YOU happy - instead of thinking about ways for YOU to try and make HIM happy.; July 7, 2013 at 4:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Anon. from your reply above @ 4:07pM

Just some clarification...Well, he will contact me - we aren't broke up or anything. We texted today (I was out of town). I am considered his girlfriend, he calls me his girlfriend and talks about marrying me. I've met his friends, his family etc. However, this "slow" thing came up (meaning, I gather, "Let's not rush into marriage right now").

And, it's probably the smart thing to do since we've only known each other 6 mos. But I am 40 ish and I feel I will be ready for a commitment within a year, such as marriage. So, I don't know if he's now backing out of it entirely, or just wants to take his time a little longer... that's what I'm asking you?? I know he's going to see me again; we aren't mad at each other or anything like that. We are just having convos on relationship things, I suppose.

He hates talking on the phone (not just to me- any one), but I told him I need that connection or I'm not going to feel like cuddling up - is how it all got started... Then I asked the next night (when I was over at his house) what I could do for him... that's when he mentioned the slow thing and really that's all he needed from me is patience...

I don't know if he's saying he eventually wants to break up, or he means let's just take marriage off the table for now. And how should I handle it? I kind of feel it makes sense to go slow, but it makes me also feel like I should just say "If you need space, that's fine... call me." And, if it's meant to be, it'll happen...; July 7, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Anonymous said...: I liked a profile on a dating site and clicked a button to express interest. The guy responded saying he liked my profile too and asked a couple of questions in reference to what I wrote on my profile. I was leaving on a vacation to another country that time and mentioned this in my response to his email. He asked me where I was going for my vacation. By the time I received his email I was already on the plane. I saw his email after a week during my vacation and replied to him where I was. That was the only question in his email other than the pleasantries. So after I mentioned where I was, I also asked him what does he do for work and mentioned what I do. I haven't heard from him after that! It's been over a month since this email exchange happened. I am on the dating site on and off and I can see that he also logs in to the site. I am wondering whether I should let him know that I am back in the country..but he never asked me when I was coming back so I don't feel like volunteering that info now! What should I do..just move on? He is an Apr 1st Aries and I am a May1st Taurus and he is 9 years older to me..just fyi.; July 7, 2013 at 8:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror:

Update to the “SLOW” post. I had dinner with him last night and just decided to ask him what he meant by it. I mean, we are 6 months into this thing, I just thought – there’s nothing wrong with honest conversation. He said it didn’t mean anything serious by it, he still loves me – just reiterated again that he didn’t want to miss out on his son’s last year of high school , by being too busy in a relationship.

He also mentioned that he liked my idea of getting together at his house for dinner, rather than going out all of the time so that he could be home with his son. However, no mention of marriage. Should I be worried? Or is this the two steps back thing that men do, after plunging into all the infatuation. Or am I just reading into something that’s not necessarily there, but my own fears?; July 10, 2013 at 6:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 10, 6:35AM,
The only way to seek the answers to your questions is to observe his behavior dear. . .his ACTIONS - NOT HIS WORDS.

Observation of his ACTIONS over time will yield the answers you seek :-); July 10, 2013 at 9:49 AM
Mltn said...: Ladies, I am so miserable right now.

I was in the process of cutting off my disappearing man for the last time when he swirled back into my life. Very affectionate, very ardent, he says he's really into me, blah blah blah.

We made plans for this week - my son will be in camp, and he talked about us spending a lot of time together. Said he was looking forward to it, seemed very eager.

So, I had family in town for the July 4th holiday, and did not see this guy until Monday. We started out texting over the holiday weekend, then he dropped off. I expected to hear from him about our plans for this week, though. Nothing.

I saw him at work on Monday. Nothing. On Tuesday, I said something about how camp was going and he asks me to lunch (we work together). Lunch is awkward, in part for the big freaking elephant in the room - why don't we have plans for this week, camp week, which we've previously talked about weeks ago and which he was talking about just last week? I don't specifically ask, but I do hint at what his plans are for the week, etc., and yeah, he's not asking me to do things with him.

I am so angry with myself for getting sucked back into this. I mean, just a few days ago he was talking about how excited he was to spend this week with me, and then he's gone poof and he's pretending like he has no idea.

I didn't speak to him on the drive back from lunch and just walked away from him when we hit the parking lot at work. I seriously never want to speak with him again.

What I don't get is why he called yesterday afternoon, or why he emailed this morning with a smiley face. What the hell is his problem? Why bother to stay in contact with me if he's not interested? Why make promises and then blow me off? Just, why can't he fish or cut bait? What's the point of telling me that he's interested in me, wants to see me, talking about specific plans, kissing me, when he's then just going to disappear again?

I'm not responding. I'm to the point of really kind of hating him for what he's done to me. I read MOA's piece about rejection, and it really does slowly kill parts of your soul.; July 10, 2013 at 12:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn,
A man like that is very dangerous to women dear - he's running "game" and he's doing is purposefully for several reasons:

1) To see how far he can take it

2) To see how much he can get away with and how much you'll tolerate

3) To get a "reaction" out of you

4) To feel in conrol

Bottom line: Insecure guy that feels the need to play mind games and mess with women's emotions in order to make himself feel better and in control (power and ego).

Don't give him the time of day from this day forward or he's going to do this again only next time - worse :-(

Steer clear and protect yourself from him. The negative feelings will pass and someday karma will come around and it'll be YOU having the last laugh dear ;-); July 10, 2013 at 2:20 PM
KK said...: My apologies in advance, this may be long.

Mirror, I just read your reply to Mltn and I'm curious about this: 2) To see how much he can get away with and how much you'll tolerate. (He's testing basically) But there has to come a point where you can verbally address that and express to him your rules/standards or what you will/won’t tolerate right? Or is that why you suggest NC? – (So he can figure it out on his own and realize his behaviour isn't acceptable) It would be so much easier to just lay it all out.

I'm currently going through that with Pisces where I feel really apt to telling him off – lose my number if you’re not going to use it, tired of your games. (That’s the angry part of me) Or just being honest and saying exactly how I feel as of lately – I feel left out, not included, I’m really disappointed in his actions. (The other part of me – sad, disappointed and would show him my vulnerable side – which I think is ok if done right, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ‘weak’)

He's quiet again now but everything is visible to me courtesy of Facebook. He’s giving all the answers away without me asking for them. I'm observing mostly, and just like a couple of others here, I have 'relapsed' as well, but I'm not going to dwell on that. This is how we learn. I was almost at 3 weeks though too, the longest ever. Stupid anxiety kicked in and Curiosity killed the cat I guess.

Anyway, when we have talked, it's been brief (check-in, and maybe that's good?) I find he provides a lot of bs excuses that I catch him in (Says he’s been working late, he’s not. He has all day to text and it only takes about 5 seconds and it’s what he used to do and then I see his activity on FB at various times during the day) He also publicly posted a status one day saying he was off early (and that continued for a few days) I have a little chuckle to myself and ignore the excuses and don't discuss it. He replies right away, so that makes things obvious (he has time) and upon me ignoring/delaying for hours, he sends another message (yet he doesn’t have to) He has asked questions (curious because he doesn't know exactly what's going on with me - and I'm being vague in my answers, yet making subtle hints) but then no 'follow-up' questions (if I said to him ‘I just got home, was a busy but good day, how was yours?’ – he answered but didn’t actually ask what I did or where I was or how it was busy), the texting stops and then I don't hear from him. There hasn't been anything sexual brought up though, it's basic stuff now - how are you, how was your day, etc. He’s kind of out of the loop like I am.

He's still vying for attention and a reaction I believe by certain posts he makes. I've had moments where I wanted to react - but didn't. And if I post anything, it's fun, or funny, upbeat, or sometimes I post something 'cryptic' that can be taken different ways and not necessarily relate directly to him. But I know he's looking at my stuff and watching. My confusion comes from all of this being visible, it's public, he knows I can see everything - wouldn't he want to look 'good' instead of looking like an idiot? It honestly lowers my attraction for him, but with emotions being involved, I sometimes still feel really angry/disgusted/or just hurt in some capacity (sad, disappointed); July 10, 2013 at 8:15 PM
KK said...: I'm assuming since I rejected him (sex) last month, he has found one or maybe more 'easy' or willing victims. One stands out as she seems to be chasing and pursuing - the very thing they hate and what drives them away, making herself available, etc.
He even posted a picture and she commented on it and made it obvious that it was her place (and probably near me). It wasn't even of them, it was of his new puppy he got (in or at her house, but I have never met this new dog yet or been included in that way) his pets are a big part of his life, I could only compare it to something like meeting a S/O’s kids - and that's where I felt left out, he went to her, but hasn't come to me and hasn't 'let me in' lately and we’ve know eachother longer.

May seem juvenile to some, but it’s these little things sometimes that matter the most. I don't receive texts during the day anymore, or a good morning text, a good night text, he hasn’t called in months, haven't even seen him in months. But - I'm not begging or pleading or making deals to make that happen either. That’s what I’m most proud of myself for: not being dependant, not being needy/clingy and not asking him for anything, not relying on him. It’s a positive at least. I still wonder though if he thinks about this and wonders why I’m not asking to see him anymore, or asking for anything and why I’m ignoring him when I never used to. I still think it’s possible for him to think “guess she’s over me, she’s not interested” and he backs off, when yet he should be trying harder, plus giving him those ‘green lights’ you speak of and actually coming right out sometimes and giving him that reassurance of wanting to talk to him. Insecurity and/or a lack of confidence and motivation on his part. Rejection might tie in with that too, but wouldn’t it make you fight harder? I know, more time is necessary – I’ve mapped it out and the official NC (30 days) from the last time we spoke will be August 3rd and coincidentally, that is also my birthday LOL, perfect!

He also posted something today regarding work and his back trouble (terrible back, and his job doesn't help that) She quickly said to him "I'll make your back better". Yet I'm the one he always used to come to for that - I'm the professional anyway, it's part of what I do for a living. Again, I felt like reacting and saying "Well, you know where to find me and what I do..." Or "I'd offer my services to you, but you haven't asked for them" - Would defeat the NC I know, but in a way throw the ball in his court, without coming off like I'm 'doing' or being nice, or trying to win him, like this other woman is doing I find. And wouldn’t this backfire anyway?, I mean she’s making it obvious and will probably make his ‘game’ harder, I’m not the only one who sees this, all of his friends see this, his family. It’s not good. – Oh and something else that just hit me, she’s a single mom. I saw a post somewhere of you talking about that. Not good either.; July 10, 2013 at 8:25 PM
KK said...: Last part
I notice other people almost adding fuel to the fire, feeding his ego. His mother is one of those people.
I think that is a huge problem, he's a grown man but she still treats him like a baby. Very coddling and interfering, needs and wants to know what he's doing and where he is at all times and what’s this and what’s that? And he always reports back to her and pleasantly too, respectful, obeys her, etc.

Yet with other women, including myself at one time - when asked about his whereabouts or an inquiry about his 'business', he would get very defensive and act like 'It's none of your business, I don't have to answer to you'. Momma's boy syndrome? It's okay for his mother to do it, but when other women do, it's maybe a reminder of his Mom and he's turned off by it, because deep down he really may not like how his mother treats him but he can't stand up to her?.

All just observations,
The things you can learn when you just sit back and relax... :); July 10, 2013 at 8:28 PM
Mltn said...: @KK

I wanted to address this:

"Mirror, I just read your reply to Mltn and I'm curious about this: 2) To see how much he can get away with and how much you'll tolerate. (He's testing basically) But there has to come a point where you can verbally address that and express to him your rules/standards or what you will/won’t tolerate right? Or is that why you suggest NC? – (So he can figure it out on his own and realize his behaviour isn't acceptable) It would be so much easier to just lay it all out."

Just to clarify, two things: (1) I absolutely have made it clear what I'll tolerate, he's SAID that he gets it, wants to make it work, is interested, but his ACTIONS don't match his words, and (2) I don't have some weird idiosyncratic needs that I have to explain, this really is all basic human decency, courtesy, kindness, compassion, and the attentiveness you expect from someone who is interested.

On point one, without getting into emotions or having any drama surrounding it, when this guy would start to pull back or get cold on me, what I did was praise the good behavior (water the flowers). As in, if he came by my office to see me, I was very happy to see him, smiling, warm, said that it really made my day to see him. If he called, asked me to lunch, I was always happy (not critical, whiny, or demanding). In those happy times, I did say (lightly) that I missed him when I didn't see or hear from him. I encouraged the behavior that I liked. I did not respond to or distanced myself from behavior I didn't like.

When I really reached my breaking point and was intending to cut him out of my life completely, I did sit down with him and say that I was perceiving a lack of interest, that if he was no longer interested I'd appreciate the clarity of not wondering what was going on. He said "no," that he was still very interested, couldn't wait to spend time with me this week, etc. I did give him "fair notice" and an opportunity to correct behavior.

Now, here's the thing - this guy and I were best friends for 7 years, and we work together. I think I'm entitled to know what the f is going on, because we continue to see each other almost every day. If we'd just met or were dating casually, I'd just have walked. Lack of interest = waste of my time.

But the thing is, I keep coming back to point #2. Look, unless you have some very unusual, idiosyncratic needs, there really are basic social rules about how people treat people in whom they have a romantic (or, for that matter, even just sexual) interest. There really is a law of gravity. There really is a realm of acceptable behavior, and behaviors that are motivated by interest.

You honestly don't have to spell them out to a guy. If you find yourself needing to explain to a guy why the sky's blue, or why you'd like to talk to the person you're dating, he's either playing you or so "socially retarded" and emotionally illiterate that he's not capable of a relationship. Either way, you need to walk away.

Anyway, I think it really is as simple as, if he's not showing signs of interest (regular contact, asking you out, showing you affection, courtesy, consideration), then he's wasting your time. If you have to ask "what does this mean?", it means nothing good. Unless you know that you're unusually demanding and have weird needs that other women don't have, then if you think something's wrong, it is.

So, the first step, to me, is what MOA suggests in this and other articles on the site - are you being too emotional, jumping too fast into "relationship" mentality - are your needs reasonable?

But if what you want is pretty reasonable, and you're not getting it, then move on. Because, really, you don't have to explain to a guy how to express interest in you. And he should have to work to keep YOUR interest in him. If he can't be bothered, that's your answer.; July 11, 2013 at 11:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK and Mltn,
Mltn, you "get" it and your insights will be helpful to other women and correct.

KK, you see, talking and spelling things out with men, honestly, is an absolute waste of your time an energy. Not only does it make a woman appear needy, emotional and somewhat nagging to men - but the reality is, it has absolutely no benefit because - many men will simply tell you what you want to hear and then turn around and do whatever the hell they want instead.

So in the end, you're right back to square one only now you're exhausted, drained, emotional, confused - and probably being lied to. Basically when a woman attempts to communicate with her WORDS versus her ACTIONS (action is the language of men which is why they disappear without a word) - she enables a man to continue to string her along. She grants him the opportunity to create a lot of excuses and buy himself time. She sits and waits for all of these promised changes only to find that another six months has passed and nothings changed.

If you want change in life, anywhere in life, YOU have to BE the change. You can't project that onto others and expect success. YOU have to take ACTION yourself to manifest change.

And Mltn makes a very good, very true point - you should NOT have to tell someone how to treat you properly. If they're not doing it, then you walk. If you don't walk and instead you talk, you'll most likely give the guy many opportunities to lie to you verbally and string you along.

Additionally, as mentioned previously, the language of men is that of ACTION. Women vibe off emotion and verbal communication. If you want to break through to a man, using a woman's language won't do it. That's like speaking Spanish to an English individual and expecting them to understand you. It simply won't happen. If you want an English speaking individual to understand you - then you speak their language - English.

If you want an action speaking man to understand you, you can't use words to communicate. You have to speak their language - you have to communicate via actions.

The only thing that speaking words and instructing a man on how to treat you will produce is exhaustion, delay, heightened emotions and confusion. It might make you feel better for a day or two to hear him say, "Oh yes, I understand, uh huh, okay I'll do that" - but 4 days later when he's up to his old tricks, you soon realize it was all a waste of time.

If you instead disappear without a word and/or pull back and cease rewarding bad behavior with time, talks crying and pleading (basically your attention) - I guarantee you that men UNDERSTAND EXACTLY what that means (as they use that tactic quite often themselves to communicate)and if they care at all - they straighten up quick.

And if they don't - then you stay gone and leave the past behind you ;-)

Because the reality is - when you "talk" to a man about his bad behavior, all you do is reassure him and reward his bad behavior with MORE OF YOUR ATTENTION.

Instead, issue a consequence without words (without your attention) - walk ;-)

If he cares, he'll seek you out, you won't lose him. If you lose him, he didn't care anyway and you've just dodged a bullet.; July 11, 2013 at 5:27 PM
KK said...: Thank you both. I'm trying to do that, I really am. I wouldn't even be telling him how to interact with me, rather than just expressing "I'm disappointed" - something simple and he can ask why or ask questions. That's the bottom line really. That's how I feel, once you strip everything else away. And it's not only real to me, it's a valid statement, and one I'm entitled to. Who wouldn't be disappointed?
I wouldn't want to get into a deep discussion about it either, just a quick 'let him know' and then walk away. I'm just torn between emotions right now, as I said on the one hand - I'm angry and sad. And then it just turns into overall disappointment. I could go the other route too and say something snarky at this point.
He's complaining today of something... could be work related. And she went and said to him "Aww babe tell me about it, miss you xoxoxo" with a bunch of hearts - I shake my head at that, I never acted like that, especially right away when things are very fresh and new and let's say 'crucial' - not once did I appear that clingy. We all know how that ends. So in a way, he's inviting this on himself and maybe getting his Karma, and this woman has not learned any lessons taught here either.
It's a warning to him - the 'crazy' or 'psycho' you complain about, is right in front of you. And there is a major difference between how I expressed affection or care and how she's doing it. He's obviously lying to her too, or making her feel and giving off the impression 'he's ready, he's available' but yet he's actually not and expressed that to me, why would it all of a sudden be different for her? - little does she know.
'Grass is greener' theory applied here too I think, he thought maybe he could find someone else and get away from me and everything that happened (which was pretty normal and occurs with others as well) but now is experiencing a whole new level of 'needy', 'clingy', 'dependent'. All because it was him who invited it or allowed it. That's his Karma. And I feel or can imagine how in your face that is and how pressuring it must be. Very soon, too soon.
Also, take a peek on the other side of the fence where I am - calm, pretty collected (as from before) and how I slowed down, not for him, but for me. The differences, which if he doesn't notice already, he will. He will miss out on something great, someone great and end up with the very thing men dread and have a repeat of 'the talk' and all of the drama that comes with it, maybe even sooner than expected. All I can do is shake my head. He doesn’t REALLY enjoy that, and along with her statement comes expectations for him to reciprocate her feelings or emotions and she'll only end up hurt.
As a person, or as a friend even, it's just in me to forewarn of danger - this has nothing to do with jealously - I'm confident in myself and do not doubt anything about myself (physical or otherwise). So that's where the snarky side of me would like to come out and play and say to him something like 'Looks like you got a crazy one there! be careful..'
I see no standards here with this situation - she's coming off really strong and making all of this known publicly, which should be treated in a more private manner I think. It's always immediate, she's always available and she does the pursuing, none of it comes from him - obvious why.; July 11, 2013 at 9:00 PM
KK said...: I tried to find a balance between things and I did feel better, I noticed a shift in myself and maybe even him too (even if I can't see it right away) - I saw the pursuit first hand (even though at times it wasn't 'genuine' via the sexual side of him that came out or exactly what I wanted) and noticed that pulling back and stepping away a little bit does work, they come running. And they get curious, they don’t understand.

I know he'll receive a lot of flak for his actions now - our mutual friend will be on his case, his mother even may notice this 'activity' and warn him - Mother knows best. I think it will all come to a head.

Someone said to me too, that this could all be to get me riled up and to reassure him (show him how much I care), he's trying to raise my interest, etc. It may right now, but it has negative riding behind it, if he did it and it evoked positive that would be different. - So I'm bearing that in mind too. Trying to not play into a 'game', keep a level head, vent, cry a little and let myself be angry - but not for long.

He didn't even try to really, officially date me, he didn't give it a real shot so now I kind of look at it like: 'I'm the best he never had' - He'll have to suffer the consequences instead and realize he won't ever find anyone like me again. He can have the drama queens, the junkies, the 'fixer uppers' and to quote you MOA, 'unpaid whores'.

A friend said to me too and I've heard it here as well: He can't handle a diamond like you. He prefers rocks.; July 11, 2013 at 9:02 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Mltn,

re: your 7/10 post, all I can think is WTF? (?!?!) He sounds so much like Virgo (same long-term friendship/co-worker, albeit long distance for us).

Thank goodness Ms. Mirror can give an explanation to his behavior, because it doesn't make any sense to me.

This is for sure though: It isn't "you" girl, it's "him." He's F'd up.

Isn't it funny how we can be sitting right across from a man, they think they have everything "in the bag" yet we're thinking, "Really? Really? Are we really going to pretend (put situation here) didn't happen or wasn't said, in order to keep things "nice?" Really? F! How did I get into this?? What the hell is wrong with this man?? What the hell is wrong with ME putting up with this bs??" AAARRRGGHHH!

hugs; July 11, 2013 at 9:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I've got a question regarding NC and disappearing men. I'm just over 3wks now and I wonder if it turns out that if a guy decides to not pursue you (after he's been given sufficient time to come to his senses - 30days) then do you think he will realise that he's dealing with a woman who values herself, (as she's disappeared herself) even if he's not interested to go after her? Will he acknowledge this and recognise what her disappearing behaviour demonstrates - her worth, even if he doesn't want to pursue her?

Also, when they ignore you and do the disappearing act and you disappear, do you think they realise that their behaviour is wrong or do you think that they just think - thank god there's been no drama and they can walk away from it easy?

Also, with behaviour like ignoring people, it is hard to know if someone is a narcissist or if they are just down right selfish and immature. As I was thinking that if they are a narcissist then I believe they have no conscience - so realising their behaviour and any consequences is not going to happen.

Here's one for you ladies that are having a difficult time of it in your NC period - get yourself online dating, I've gone back on-line after having my fingers burnt and it's the best thing I've done in order to ease the pain. As it's distracted my focus from him onto how many other blokes, I've not really found anybody as yet but loads of attention. The main thing that's helped is the distraction and already I can say it's giving me some distance from him and my feelings. I am still thinking about him don't get me wrong but I can be a bit more objective about it now, rather than drowning in a sea of emotions and mental torment and quite honestly I think I will just breeze through my final week of NC.

Trust me it works, give it a go, even just for the distraction and you never know you may inadvertantly find yourself a lovely new man.

P.s remember to practice your Mirror skills on there and protect yourself but it's great for honing those skills as Mirror suggests and that gives you confidence and belief in yourself.

Good luck ladies No contact means Not caring ;) get yourself on-line dating; July 11, 2013 at 9:56 PM
KK said...: Just another thing, it is sinking in - I think it just takes time for this to really 'marinate' once you've sat back and observed as well. So I want everybody to know that even though at times it may seem like I'm not 'getting it', I really am, it's just a process. And honestly is harder when you are emotionally attached, I know I'm not the only one.
I'm only here venting and going through all of my emotions so it can leave my system in a more healthy way I believe (writing does that for me) and I also gain clarity from it and also maybe help others at the same time, we all learn from eachother.

In the span of only a few hours, something 'odd' has happened.
I'm doing some things online and catching up on stuff, minding my business. I went back to Facebook as I had a message from another friend and just catching up.

Pisces is on a certain 'list' so he doesn't appear in my feed and if I want to see or know anything, I have to actively go to his profile and I've seriously thought about putting him on something more restricted. He would be even more limited and only see what I make 'public' (my stuff is always filtered or for certain people only)
I saw the comments before from this other girl, came here and then when I looked again later, they're gone. I did not hide or remove them, I didn't block her and she didn't block me - I can still see her profile and everything as of recently. Her 'likes' are still there, his comments are still there. It's as if he removed her comments himself. Or she did? No way of really knowing but I doubt it's her.

Didn't I say this would backfire? LOL; July 11, 2013 at 10:41 PM
Lady Leo said...: I f**cked it up. :(

Gonna try to keep it short. Awesome Taurus man wanted commitment, open communication, daily contact and vulnerability. He gave it all to me, and wanted same in return. I freaked out and shut down. He felt I couldn't meet his needs in this important respect and broke up with me. It was as respectful a break up as could be. Until the next day when he wanted to see me to talk, then backed up hours later. He is skittish and doesn't trust me, which is understandable cus I've been pulling my scorpio moon hot and cold emotional roller coaster shit. We had unpleasant words which I immediately regretted.

I made a few attempts at amends when I quickly realized how I hurt a good man. He was as silent as a rock. Typical Taurus stubbornness. Wow, they can be SO stubborn. I eventually sent an open, expressive message expressing my regret and feelings and asked "Can we talk?" that resulted in a reply of "Wow, that was really touching". But not specific response to my ? Later, he sent a spiritual message that was impersonal.

Finally, when it looked like it was dead in the water, I sent a "I hope you are well and Hope we can be friends someday" email. He replied last night "I am well, one day at a time. I hope we can be friends too, as I've really enjoyed getting to know you." Friend zoned? Feels like it.

So....the stubborn ice has broken some, but no door opening.

The irony isn't lost on me that I am now in the position of the disappearing man who has hurt the person he loves, and now back begging for another chance. Goes to show the "no contact" method works. HE worked it on me....his pulling away this week and going silent WOKE ME UP!!!!

How odd to be on the other side of it. I feel now that I've made my proper amends, expressed my feelings to him, I shall go NC as well. This is a good man, but now I've done my part, if he is interested, he MUST do his. If he is not, then I need to let go and move on anyway.

PS...I totally realized that I acted out and retreated because I couldn't accept love from a good man. BIG LIFE LESSON LEARNED!! :(; July 12, 2013 at 7:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 11, 9:56PM,
All of those questions really depend on the individual, the man, and his level of interest. If he was genuinely interested, he'll care and eventually he will acknowledge that and acknowledge what happened. If he's a man that wasn't genuinely interested, then he'll simply disappear and that'll be the end of it.; July 12, 2013 at 8:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
"I totally realized that I acted out and retreated because I couldn't accept love from a good man."

If that's truly the way you feel dear, then my suggestion would be to cease dating for right now. Because if you cannot accept love from a good man - why bother? Because the purpose of traditional dating is to meet a good man. And you don't want to meet good men only to have continued repeats of this situation.

"I've been pulling my scorpio moon hot and cold emotional roller coaster shit"

As you're now aware, consistency is key when dating - be it man or woman. As much as I advise that women observe and seek consistency in men, it works the same for men as well, they too seek consistency in a mate. (Which is why emotional displays and "talks" during periods of heightened emotions backfire and I generally suggest steering clear of them.)

I'm not saying any of this to make you feel worse, I'm only saying this now because you've identified these as areas that you may need to work on a bit more is all and it helps to keep them top of mind as a result - to work through them.

It's never really "over" when dating. Yea sure, sometimes it is, things do reach their end. But over the years I've also realized that anything can happen - when you least expect it.

I wouldn't suggest NC here as this man was a good man and frankly, doesn't deserve that. NC is only to be used when you're being treated poorly. So if he contacts you, I'd wait a bit, get your emotions in line and then respond accordingly. I wouldn't reach out to him at this point, but if he reaches out to you and you truly want this, then considering he was a good man, I'd respond.

Give it a couple of weeks and you may be surprised ;-)

Hang in there, all will be well. And in the end if it doesn't work out, as you've stated, it was a valuable learning experience and he came into your life to be the teacher of that valuable life lesson for you :-); July 12, 2013 at 8:50 AM
KK said...: @Lady Leo,

I don't want or mean to be negative, it's just my two cents here but when I first read your post about Taurus last month when you both decided to be exclusive, my gut said 'too soon'. I didn't want to say anything then to discourage you or be totally wrong either. But 3 dates just doesn't seem to be enough to jump into something serious and it almost seems he placed a lot of demands - that is what they sound like, and when you didn't deliver (for whatever reasons, we don't know how much you 'shut down')he decided to bolt and not even give you some time, have some patience? That comes with a relationship too. You have to be understanding and patient and go slow.

To me, it just seems off, he seems off. He said he couldn't trust you? what were his reasons?; July 12, 2013 at 9:15 AM
Mltn said...: @ Gemini

My co-worker is a Virgo, too, weird.

I am very much in the "WTF?!?!?!" camp on this. The only thing that makes some sense of it, for me, is that there is probably one or more other women.

I mean, unless this guy has a brain tumor or something, we talked a few days prior to Tuesday about spending this week together, and on Tuesday he acted like that conversation had never happened. It seems possible to me that he got involved/caught up with some other woman over the weekend and actually did forget or changed his priorities. And he can't tell me that he's lost interest because he wants to keep me as an option, a backup.

Like MOA said, when I'm face-to-face with him, he'll say exactly what I want to hear, and will be affectionate. The minute I lose sight of him, it all changes. Whether or not he's willfully, intentionally "playing" me, he's not consistent and there's no follow-through on the words.

A lot of this pondering over what this guy is thinking/doing assumes that we're the central character in his life the way he's the central character in ours. Maybe a lot of this behavior makes sense when you assume that he's juggling women. I don't know.

I guess the bottom line for me is that I don't care WHY he's doing this. I'm not CSI, this is not a mystery to solve. I have to only look at the actions and the effect they have on me. I need a man to consistently show interest, courtesy, and affection. He is unable or unwilling to do that (maybe because he's not really interested, maybe because he's insecure, maybe there's other women - who cares?). End result is that I need to evict him from my life before he causes me any more pain.

But I will absolutely mourn the loss of my friend and the potential for what might have been, here.; July 12, 2013 at 11:00 AM
Anonymous said...: @ Lady Leo and everybody!

Lady Leo, I agree with what Mirror wrote to you. At the same time I must express my support to you. The man wanted daily communication, commitment, etc. which you couldn´t give him, but my perception is you couldn´t give this to him immediately, which is quite understandable. Not everybody falls in love quickly and "fully" straight away, most people need more time. And that´s why he decided to break up with you.I ask how many times we women have waited for men who weren´t willing to commit immediately? Many times. I think this man could wait a little too. Of course, I can´t know how exactly you feel about him, maybe subconsciously you don´t want him and that´s the reason you were hesitant. But if you do want him, you can simply tell him you need more time, more space and personal freedom, at least at the beginning, and I think if he is genuinely interested, he will certainly accept this and give it to you. So I think that if YOU are interested, nothing is lost, maybe it´s a kind of test if he is able to overcome some obstacles. Quite another thing though is if you aren´t really interested.

I wish you all the best and a nice weekend!
HopefulWithMen; July 12, 2013 at 12:08 PM
Lady Leo said...: Thank you, dearest MOA. :) You are right, and I am now VERY dedicated to acting better and giving him what he wants and deserves. In other words, I've got my big girl panties on and WILL be the brave, loving woman I KNOW I am...if given a second chance.

He did respond today to my saying I couldnt be his "friend" now due to the way I feel, maybe when the feelings pass I can. His response confused me and makes me think we;ve had a terrible miscommunication. He responded to it with "Ok then I have to ask you to stop contacting me for the time being, with all due respect". I "assumed" by his reply last night saying "I hope we can be friends because Ive enjoyed getting to know you" as him saying he just wants friendship. So since I cant do that when I still have feelings, I sent my reply.

Today I've replied saying I am confused as I assumed he did NOT want to talk or reconsider the relationship because he did not directly reply to my request to talk. He replied saying only he was touched by the love message I sent, but that was it. So, since I got no indication he wanted to reconsider, I sent the "hope to be friends one day" message.

Just now I sent a very clear message of how I feel about him, that I wanted to talk and that I cant just be friends when I want "everything". I told him I missed him and am crazy about him. Could not have been more open. I guess its up to him now.

I also followed up with a voice mail since electronic communication is so misunderstood.; July 12, 2013 at 3:00 PM
Lady Leo said...: Thanks everyone for your comments, definitely appreciate them.

Just to clarify, he did not say he couldn't trust me. It was I who didn't trust him and I am finding that Taurus men have difficulty with this. Seems to affect his ability to feel secure.

Anyhow, I met with a friend and discussed this in depth. I decided to be very brave and fearless and called him. I humbled myself, found my voice and we spoke and I laid out that he was good to me, I didn't appreciate it BUT I do now and I am determined to be fearless and stop pussy footing around. We agreed to sleep on things tonight and talk again tomorrow.

I'm grateful he is even considering it.; July 12, 2013 at 6:59 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Mltn, "But I will absolutely mourn the loss of my friend and the potential for what might have been, here."

I understand. I think I am at the final stages of that process myself with Virgo.

Your Virgo will also be going thru same mourning process once he realizes and feels the true loss of your friendship. It might take him awhile, but you will see it, and it'll probably be sad. Continue to be strong and keep your grace.

@Lady Leo,
I hope things work out for you as you hope.

Peace to all.; July 13, 2013 at 2:52 AM
VirgoPal said...: Lady Leo-

When I first read your initial post about your Taurus guy wanting you to be "exclusive" and take down your profile after the 3rd date, I was somewhat suspicious that he was moving very quickly for you. I think you may be a little emotionally unavailable, and that will hinder you in engaging in a relationship with someone who is available for one to you.

I think sometimes when we get intertwined with '
narcissistic and emotional unavailable men that play so many games, and when an available man come along we don't know how to react. We expect disappearing acts, mind games, and crazy making behaviors that most insecure men demonstrate; hence, we become almost programmed to expect the same thing. I always believe that you can't be available to a good man unless you are emotionally available to yourself.; July 13, 2013 at 7:52 AM
Lady Leo said...: Dear VirgoPal....

DING DING DING!!! You nailed it!!

And I am aware of my defects and have committed to overcoming them. I am doing exactly what MOA teaches here about men who must prove their interest with ACTIONS!!!

I am talking with Taurus today and I WILL prove myself to him with ACTION ACTION ACTION!!!

xo; July 13, 2013 at 9:33 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous July 11, 9:56PM here,

Thank you for your post about whether a guy acknowledges you and his mistake.
I'm totally disillusioned at the moment, my 30 days no contact will be up next week and whilst I'm not expecting him to reappear there is an underlying hope that he might and that is difficult to deal with. As with my disappearing man experience there was a lot of hope raising that he did and that has been the hardest part of it the fall from that and the disingenuinity of the offering of false hope.

What I'm struggling to believe and accept that this experience I had with him, I've experienced it as a genuine encounter and when he appeared to be interested and showed interest I took that as genuine and I've had a massive fall from this as I took it on board in good faith.

I still feel a bit shell-shocked and when I've just read Virgopal post which says
'I think sometimes when we get intertwined with '
narcissistic and emotional unavailable men that play so many games, and when an available man come along we don't know how to react. We expect disappearing acts, mind games, and crazy making behaviors that most insecure men demonstrate; hence, we become almost programmed to expect the same thing. I always believe that you can't be available to a good man unless you are emotionally available to yourself.'

I'm thinking oh my god - you know I'm back online dating and in the throes and beginning to possibly get to know a guy who I might consider going on a date with but still processing the shit I've had with the one above and it is very difficult as I'm scared of starting something with someone who could not be genuine again but portraying themselves as genuine. As Virgo hits the nail on the head the new guys you meet could be good ones.

I've been chatting with him on-line for a couple of hours but I've not got back to him yet on his last response and part of that is because I'm playing it cool and not being available to him all the time and part of me is thinking I'm scared due to the experience I've just had.

Here's one for the ladies - is there anybody out there that has had any success with the 30day NC in terms of developing a healthy relationship with their man who initially disappeared. It would be really great to hear some positive good news stories as there is just a lot of ladies on here at the moment struggling with NC issues.

If there are any of you with some success stories,please would you share them with us :); July 13, 2013 at 10:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 13, 10:32AM,
Well, what you need to realize dear is that NC for 30 days if more about YOU and less about HIM. If it works to make him come around and realize he has genuine feelings for you, great. But the true value of NC is for YOU. It's to help you detach emotionally and to right yourself again by granting clarity and clear vision into the situation through the removal of emotional attachment.

And I have also observed your tendency to attach with expectations early on with the man that you currently have lined up on the dating site.

"I'm scared of starting something with someone who could not be genuine again but portraying themselves as genuine."

At this point, why even think about "starting something" with a man you hardly even know? That's the mistake many women make - they don't filter a man and qualify him as dateable material before getting to know him. They place their "relationship expectations" first - instead of seeing if the man IS EVEN relationship material in the first place. Because not every man is dateable, relationship material dear. As a result, you cannot go into a situation looking at it as having that potential.

First, you have to filter and qualify him as dateable material, and THEN if he is, you can begin to have those other thoughts.

So right now, all you really need to be thinking is, "Is this man dateable material?" There's no need to be fearful of the possibility that he may not be - because you shouldn't be emotionally invested at this point - you shouldn't have anything to loose. Instead, you need to look at it like, "I'm going to just go and have a good time and find out if this man is worth my time."

Every woman - every single woman on the planet - should look at every dating situation as "fun" - and not as a potential relationship. Consider it socializing and nothing more. It's a "getting to know you" period. And it won't become anything more than that until which point you've filtered this man and decided that he is dateable material, he is ready for a relationship and he can handle the sacrifice that a commitment requires.

If you look at dating as socializing in the early stages, there is nothing to fear. If you look at it like, "He needs to prove himself to me and until that happens, I'm just going to have fun and socialize and get to know him" then that removes the fear and pressure of what "may" result.

Because if you're looking out for yourself properly and going into it with the right mindset and remaining emotionally detached until you've filtered the man and qualified him as dateable material - you're NOT GOING TO GET HURT ;-)

And that's the point of NC - finding out if the man is genuinely interested, finding out if he's dateable material, finding out if he's relationship ready and finding out if he can give what a commitment truly requires. And the only time it becomes necessary to use NC - is when you HAVEN'T done any of that in advance and have just jumped right in with a man before qualifying him as dateable - only to find yourself being treated poorly as a result because you didn't do the work of looking out for yourself first and find that you're with an ignorant, selfish man :-(

If you do it this way - observe, remain detached and qualify a man first. . .then you really won't find yourself being forced to use NC as a result of ignorant treatment. Because if you do the work of looking out for yourself first, you don't end up dating undateable, ignorant, selfish, immature men that aren't ready for a committed relationship :-); July 13, 2013 at 11:38 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous July 13, 10:32AM here,

Thank you so much for your constructive advice, it has really illuminated my weaknesses in relationship issues and I really needed that. I really need to try and integrate the gift you have just given me as I'm in my forties, I have had long relationships before but I've been single for a long time. I feel almost like a clueless teenager in terms of starting off with healthy boundaries, it's not my fault I've never been taught and many of these patterns will come from childhood and possible energetic anscestral stuff.

What's clearer now though is I need to learn and almost start from the beginning, from scratch :) I didn't have any clarity over what I was doing really or how to do anything about it even - as I've always been too scared to lose someone and feel I had to give myself to keep them. Added to the fact that I've attracted emotionally unavailable, commitment phobes and straight away energetically I'm picking up the vibe that they're not going to be around and hence I overcompensate in a bid to keep them, when in reality they were going to go away because of their inability to have a relationship.

So you are right that I need to focus more on the work of deciphering if the man is relationship ready etc instead of going full steam ahead thinking that this man is suitable for me.

'And I have also observed your tendency to attach with expectations early on with the man that you currently have lined up on the dating site.' You're right with the expectations, I need to get a grip as I always get excited and ahead of myself and the situation but I really needed you to point that out and I really need to drum this into myself.

' But the true value of NC is for YOU. It's to help you detach emotionally and to right yourself again by granting clarity and clear vision into the situation through the removal of emotional attachment.' Ok with this I'm struggling with, I agree totally with what you're saying but what appears to be happening with it, where I'm at with the disappearing guy is - I've got four days left of the NC period and I don't feel I have achieved what you have said above. You know when you say that after the 30NC period that many ladies are no longer interested in the bloke anymore anyway - this is not happening for me and it is a reason why I've gone back on-line dating to try and force myself to move on, alright I've walked away and achieved the NC (almost) so I will give myself a pat on the back for that but in terms of moving on emotionally, mentally and psychologically I haven't and the on-line dating is helping and the right thing to do for me but it feels a little like covering it all over with a sticking plaster!

Thank you, you're a godsend, I know everyone tells you all the time but I genuinely feel that I don't know what I would of done without it. Carried on in darkness I suppose...; July 13, 2013 at 1:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I have been reading a lot on this site the past few days and I think you give spot-on advice. I would love to get your take on my situation. I met an Aries guy back in November and we hit it off instantly. I gave him my number and was very impressed that he actually CALLED me to arrange our first date, not any texting. We had 4 great months together where we ended up meeting each other’s friends and family and even took some weekend trips together. We also planned a vacation for August. In that time frame, he told me he loved me, and I replied with the same. I have never had a connection like that before. He was very selfless and appeared to be very sensitive towards others’ feelings. For Valentine’s Day he took me out to a great dinner and gave me a card that said things like “I can’t wait for our future together” and “I’m so glad I found you”.

Shortly after that date, things began shifting a bit. At first it was subtle (the calls weren’t as frequent, the text messages weren’t as cute and “lovey”). Then he started backing off even more. Of course looking at this in retrospect, I didn’t handle it the way I should have. I started being the pursuer and chasing him a bit because I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Finally I went over to his house about two weeks into this to get to the bottom of things and I could tell something was wrong. My previously sweet boyfriend was cold and very distant. He wouldn’t really answer my questions much, but finally just told me he was in a “funk” and if he couldn’t make himself happy, he couldn’t make me happy. He told me he wanted to “take a break to figure things out” but still wanted to maintain some contact. I suspected he might be depressed but he only vaguely alluded to that possibly being the case. As a side note, he had lost all interest in sex about 2 weeks prior.

After that day, I went home and researched everything I could about dealing with someone experiencing a bout of depression. From that point on, he only seemed to get worse. He’d contact me about once a week and I’d contact him about once or twice a week. The problem was, everything I read online was telling me that no matter how they treat you, you must NEVER be anything but nice and supportive to them. Well I took that advice to heart (and am also somewhat of a pushover and people-pleaser) so I’d be super kind to him and try not to put ANY pressure on him. I’d send him sweet texts and he’d typically respond hours later with coldness, or on rare occasions, not at all. When he'd initiate contact, he was better, but the conversation still always died out quickly to the point that I'd begin wondering why he was still contacting me at all. Under normal circumstances I’d have backed off way sooner, but I was under this impression that he needed me to show him I could be supportive. It was breaking my heart, but I was trying to salvage what was left of a suddenly broken relationship.

cont...; July 13, 2013 at 6:08 PM
Anonymous said...: This went on for two months until finally I had to get an answer from him on our trip we were supposed to take (the final deposit had to be made). We met up face to face to discuss the trip and our future, and things were somewhat normal but still seemed a bit off. He told me he did still want to go on the vacation, and he did want to get back together and slowly start working on getting things back on track. He did kiss me passionately at the end of the night, but didn’t show a lot of affection otherwise and still seemed to be keeping his distance emotionally. Fast forward to 4 days later when I asked him if he wanted to catch a movie. He happened to already be stressed about something with work, and it felt like he just snapped from this “pressure” (which until then I really hadn’t put on him) and said this wasn’t going to work and he couldn’t give me what I deserved. He resurfaced once since then with a text to say “hey” and wanting to know if I was still going to be able to take the vacation we had planned (it was going to be with a group of people). When he found out I wasn’t getting to go (because he left me nearly no time to find a replacement), he said he was very sorry and he didn’t intend for that to happen, and then promptly disappeared again in the middle of our text conversation and that was the last I heard of him. I didn't push after he disappeared, and immediately started NC with him from that day forward and it has been almost 4 weeks at this point. He was such a kind and sensitive man before this all took over. His mom and I became somewhat close and she told me about a conversation he had had with her a couple months prior (right around the time he wanted the break) where he was saying “I just need to know that she’s The One” and “I’m afraid that if I DO break up with her, I’ll realize I made a big mistake” but also "I don't want to hurt her if I do break up with her". She also told me he hadn’t had a serious girlfriend in 5 years when he ended his relationship with a girl who was abusive toward him. I just don’t know what to make of this. I’m still so hung up on him and I miss him every day. I don’t know what to think anymore.

I guess I’m wondering what your take is? Did I just get had by someone who wanted to end things but took the cowards way out? Do you think I’ll ever hear from him again? Everything seems so unfinished, but I’m just not sure what to expect. Also, should he one day reappear, are the rules different? Should I still use the mirroring tactics on him like you advise the others to do? Or if it was a legitimate tough time in his life, am I supposed to cut him slack for his behavior? Also, am I right to do NC in this case, or should I be reaching out to him? This has been so hard for me because on the one hand I’m so angry and hurt that he ran off like that, but on the other I feel bad for him if he’s really hurting. I don’t know if he’s being treated for depression or not. His whole family can’t get why he did what he did because they thought we were so happy together. Anyway, any advice would be much appreciated!!

Thanks!! ~Alice; July 13, 2013 at 6:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Pisces FishLover here :(
Well, I have hit rock bottom....I checked his facebook page and he is with another woman...they looked very happy. I am totally numb, haven't cried (yet) I am beyond saddened and feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My face feels hot and tingly and I can't feel my shaking hands. I am sick to my stomach!
However, there are no longer ANY doubts left that it is truly over. I can now ACCEPT this and start healing. It is no longer a thousand cuts leading to a slow death. It is one last fatal stab to my heart. My worst fears are realized and I'm actually glad I checked because I have hit rock bottom and it can only get better from here. I no longer have to torture myself about what I did "wrong" I did nothing. He simply prefers her to me.; July 14, 2013 at 1:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: It's the single biggest mistake women tend to make with men dear and it happens a lot and each time it happens, the story ends the same. Man pulls back, women chases, man blows under the pressure. It's a very common scenario unfortunately. And when he was under that pressure, he asked for space:

"He told me he wanted to “take a break to figure things out”

But instead of giving him space and backing off, you tried harder and stepped forward:

"I’d be super kind to him and try not to put ANY pressure on him. I’d send him sweet texts and he’d typically respond hours later with coldness, or on rare occasions, not at all."

"I was trying to salvage what was left of a suddenly broken relationship."

I know that you think sending "sweet" texts is supportive but to a man that's asked for space, hearing from the woman only equates to more pressure and a feeling of not getting the space he requested. You tried harder and he sensed it and it created more pressure I believe.

"finally I had to get an answer from him on our trip we were supposed to take"

Again, I believe this only added to the pressure he was already feeling. Because he was communicating to you with his ACTIONS (pulling back and being non-responsive and asking for space), and you were not "hearing" him and instead, continued stepping forward. When a man is behaving like that, it's really not necessary to ask with WORDS what's going on, ya' know? His ACTIONS are speaking.

"4 days later when I asked him if he wanted to catch a movie."

Again, he has asked for space and instead of being granted it, you are stepping forward trying to salvage things instead of listening to his actions.

"I just need to know that she’s The One” "“I’m afraid that if I DO break up with her, I’ll realize I made a big mistake” "I don't want to hurt her if I do break up with her".

I think he began having second thoughts dear :-( And as a result, he asked for space because that's how men "feel" things. They're not like women in that women "feel" when they are WITH someone. Men tend to "feel" when they are WITHOUT that someone. When they pull back and step away from the situation, if they experience a longing for the woman and/or feelings of wanting to be with her again - THEN they know they're in love. If they don't miss the woman and/or long to be with her, THEN they know they're not. When a woman is constantly present, there's no room for a man to see if he's experiencing feelings for her. And I think he was attempting to pull back to see if he "felt" something. But he really didn't get the chance to find out because when he pulled back, you stepped forward attempting to "fix" and "salvage" the situation instead of permitting him space to "feel."

Cont. .; July 14, 2013 at 10:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I don't think depression is the issue here, I think he wanted space to test his feelings is all. And eventually, he just cracked under pressure and bolted.

It's a very common scenario as I've said dear. Don't beat yourself up for it, as women, we've all been there. You're not the only woman who's ever done this and you won't be the last. It will serve as a valuable lesson to you so be thankful for it. When a man asks for space dear, you do not try harder. Instead, you give him exactly what he's asked for and you issue a consequence for his decision (thus forcing him to reach his decision):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Only time will tell if he'll return, however, if he doesn't, as I've stated, you learned a valuable lesson here dear, so be thankful for the experience and be thankful of him for being the teacher. Because the next time you find yourself in this situation, you'll know exactly what to do and you can also remove the unnecessary pressure of feeling the need to "fix" and "salvage" things off your shoulders.

Hang in there, this too shall pass and someday, you'll be thankful for this experience even if right now, it doesn't seem that way. All will be well :-); July 14, 2013 at 10:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Damn, my comment was cut off somehow, ugh. I think in the beginning of my comment, I just wanted to point out that I don't think the self-diagnosis of depression was the issue dear. Because when folks are suffering from clinical depression, it shows in ALL aspects of their life.

The individual cannot sleep, cannot go to work and many lose their jobs, they have many aches and pains and physical ailments that do not get better and cannot be remedied, they snap on everyone around them, they suffer from heightened anxiety to the point of paranoia, they fixate on the past and many stop eating. It will infect all areas of their life, not just their love life. It will affect work, sleep, family and relationships of all sorts.

So if the only area of his life suffering repercussions from this was his love life, then that's where the problem lies. Because if it was clinical depression, it will affect ALL areas of the individuals life, not just their relationship.; July 14, 2013 at 10:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror - Alice here again,

Thank you very much for your lengthy reply. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my story.

After reading your last comment, I realize now that I may have left out some additional details that would point to him having depression. He was also shutting out his mom at the same time as he started backing away from me. He had been basically unemployed for a while (having a VERY seasonal job)and his family was starting to worry about him because he'd hole up in his house most of the day. The day I went over to his house to talk, he had NO light in his previously sparkly eyes and his voice was completely flat. It was as if he wasn't even there. He even admitted he thought it was depression eventually, but had been saying he was in a "funk" for the week leading up to that, and was also saying things like "don't worry, things will go back to the way they were once I get my "mojo" back". I know he has anxiety meds, but that's all as far as I know. I realize now that these details would have helped and I should have put them in my original message, but I felt the need to make my story as succinct as possible.

Anyway, I still see your point in that I came toward him when I should have backed away. I guess I just felt guilty that he'd think I was abandoning him. He said one time "well you never even try to call me" AFTER ignoring some of my texts to him, so it did feel a bit manipulative at times, which seemed very out of character.

Also, I realize I also didn't mention that the breakup was done over text message. I think that was pretty disrespectful, considering we had a 4-month relationship, regardless of whether or not I drove him away. So once he did that, I pretty much lost respect for him and that's when I decided to go NC. I also deactivated my Facebook page because I didn't want to see what he was up to, and also didn't want him having a portal into my life anymore. I chose deactivation over blocking him because I was also tired of Facebook, lol.

I guess my final question is: Should he someday return, how do I handle it? Do I play it really cool and wait a few days to respond?

Thanks again for your advice, Mirror!; July 14, 2013 at 11:48 AM
VirgoPal said...: Yes ladies-

I highly recommend to cease dating anyone until you thoroughly have the losers, narcissist, and insecure men out of your heart and soul. Call it a detox. These guys can poison your mind about men and dating in general. Like Mirror said- don't look at any date as a potential boyfriend and/or husband. I think that was my problem with my disappearing loser who I got rid of finally last month. Call it a networking opportunity. If you two so happen to hit it off, then so be it.

I remember the first date I went out on after the disappearing act of the Radiologist. It felt so weird. The guy was so normal that it scared me to the point where I was looking for a reason not to talk to him anymore.
Once I stepped back and thoroughly examined the relationship I had with the Radiology doofus, I was able to see that he was not the normal one. Now I can go out on dates and examine a man's behavior and refuse to provide alternate explanations for their callous and rude actions that we often excuse as anxiety or first date jitters.; July 14, 2013 at 11:52 AM
Lady Leo said...: I met with the Taurus yesterday....and I'm smiling :)

Wow..am I a lucky woman. We met for an hour, he was very serious and quiet. He demonstrated incredible self-respect I have to say. He let me do the talking at first. I said all I felt needed saying about how unavailable I was but that I have "learned" an incredible lesson in humility and how much I do care about him. He told me he cared the same but he can't just believe my words, as nice as they were. I reiterated to him the action I've taken this week in making amends to him and I shared some personal stuff that helped to explain things more clearly. When we parted he gave me a hug but wouldn't get "belly to belly" with me. Meaning, not too close. He was hesitant and I understand why. Later I sent him a text thanking him for meeting and I needed his firmness. He in turn thanked me for meeting him. We've been texting today and he asked to call me tonight, so it seems he is allowing me back in...I have to give it to him. He was in control and very self-respecting. He is one strong man and this just makes me want and respect him more!!; July 14, 2013 at 8:00 PM
Anonymous said...: I need some advice. I recently reconnected with my ex boyfriend (Leo) who lives in Amsterdam (married with 2 kids, currently going through a divorce). I am an Aries. I emailed him about 3 months ago, and we have been emailing regularly and even Skyping ever since. This past week, he went offline when I went online and when I Skype that I have 15 minutes for him before I need to go to work, he changes his status to Away and is gone for the whole 15 minutes, claiming he is busy. I emailed him telling him I know he said he was okay but he seems a little distant lately and I apologized for whatever. I texted him on Thursday on Skype and Friday with no response, he's also been offline all weekend but finds time to post on LinkedIn. What should I do? I stayed home all weekend hoping to connect and nothing. I am lost and don't know what to do. I usually Skype with him before I go to work. Do I mark myself as invisible on Skype and pray he texts me or do I act as if nothing is wrong when clearly I am suffering. I am planning to go to Germany and have to land in Amsterdam so we were going to hook up and have been sexting a lot. I know he is a workaholic and that he is working on the family situation because he has said that changes will be taking place soon.

I am crying all the time and I can't seem to get him out of my head. Help!!!!; July 14, 2013 at 9:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, I think you will be able to help me.

My now ex bf recently pulled the disappearing act on me after almost 3 years together. 2 and a half months have gone by, and I just finally received an email from him with an "explanation."
To give you an idea, I am 23 and he is 27. We started dating when I was 20 and fell in love. After dating long distance between CA and FL we split after the first 8 months of being together. It became too rough on me and I had found out he had been unfaithful and was devastated.
We broke up for a few months but always kept contact until i finally cut it off.
About 30 days later I get a text from him, come to find out he moved to CA.. Partially to be with me I believe. I met up with him to talk about things, and from that day on I basically never left his house. My mistake I know.
My living situation wasn't working out and he had a big beach house all to himself, so he told me I could stay as long as I needed. I didn't try to move out. And after about 9 months of living together, he told me he didn't think we should live together.
I got very upset and left to my hometown for about a month, he texted me and called me every night and had changed his mind and said to me, "we'll make things work no matter what."
When I came back home he told me that he was unhappy in CA and wanted to come back to FL, he invited me to go. I was hesitant, but he professed his love and made me feel like I could trust in him.
When we moved to FL I went to all of his family events. We always spent a lot of time together because I didn't know anyone and wasnt working. He is an entrepreneur and always made good money, but recently things went sour and we had to move in with his friends. I got two jobs and was always gone trying to give him time to work and get us back on our feet.
But it got to the point where I didn't feel like he was giving me ANY attention. I worked 70 hours a week and even on my time off he was always somewhere else or had an excuse. I tried playing cool but it finally got to the point I had to say something, his response was really nice and he explained that he just had to keep working hard to get back on his feet so he couldn't give me much attention.
Unfortunately, it kept getting worse and I was feeling neglected and alone living across the country. I started staying at a friends house more often and we stopped talking as much.
I called him one day and asked if he still wanted to live together. He replied saying that we just moved in too soon and it would be best for us to do our own thing and make our own friends but that he still loved me more than anything and wanted to continue to date me. I reluctantly agreed because at this time there wasn't really another option.
After that phone call, he sent me a text saying i love you. But then, 7 days went by and we didn't speak. So I decided to call, he did not answer or call back. 5 hours later I decided to send him a lengthy text saying that I loved him and wanted him to be happy but if we weren't going to communicate maybe we should go our separate ways. No response. I waited a couple more days and sent two more texts. telling him he could at least have the dignity to break up with me. Nothing....

Well its been 2 and a half months now and i finally got this email....
Cont....; July 15, 2013 at 12:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont...

Hey ..., it's ... I just want to send you a quick email to express how sorry I am for ignoring you and treating you so badly the past months we were together.
It's taken me a long time, and I keep having to learn the same lesson over and over. But I can't ignore my problems and have them magically go away.
The truth is I never read the last 3 texts you sent me. My plan was to just ignore you until you disappeared from my thoughts.
I can't sleep at night, I keep tossing and turning, I have nightmares, and it's all because I'm being a bitch and can't man up and tell you how sorry I am and that I dont know what the future holds but for right now we can't be together.
I have to figure out so much shit in my life, and I want nothing but for both of us to be happy.
I'm not happy right now, and I don't know why. I keep trying to drown myself in work, but it doesn't fix anything. I'm always seeking the next distraction.
I really do love you, I dont care who you're with if youre dating someone else, I'll always love you.
I dont want anything from you. This email is just to let you know that I can't stop thinking about you and I just wnat to tell you how sorry I am and that you deserve all the love and happiness in the world.
This is really hard for me to do. I hope we can remain great friends and still love each other.
Seriously though, I hope you are happy. I hope you can forgive me. I don't want you to carry hate in your heart for me. You don't deserve it and hoenslty I dont deserve it.

I wish you love, happiness and success. I love you. and i'm sorry.
It's sad, but for right now we just have to part as friends. and I really do hope you can forgive me. I don't know what else to do but send you this email and say this.
I dont have that cell phone number anymore, so if you want to reach me just email me.
God bless you, and be happy!
We'll speak soon i'm sure. :) muah

I truly am at a loss on what to reply, I've been waiting.. partially to make him pay the consequences and partially because I'm not really getting the answer I want. I cant tell if he just wants to keep me in his life to be selfish or if he really wants to be with me again one day. I know that we are both young and have a lot to figure out financially, so I want to cut him slack. But after he hurt me like that and left me hanging I don't know if I could wait and just be friends. I know i may have smothered him too much at the end, but it was extra hard to distract myself in a new city. I want to reply something short and sweet but am having trouble putting together the words. Plus at this point I've started to move on and putting my emotions on the line again is scary. Any advice?; July 15, 2013 at 12:25 AM
Lady Leo said...: So I was wrong.

After we spoke, and he asked if he could call me, he didn't. I let it go. Next day he texted on and off all day, having funm laughing. Asked again if he could call me last night, then didnt. I texted saying I was concerned about that and if he was still unsure about me, maybe he should take more time apart from me because I didn't want to feel jerked around. I was as polite and very unemotional. He replied that he didnt want to jerk me around and yes he would take time away from me. He didnt apologize for the "actions not matching words".

I said I did all I could do to apologize and make amends and sorry it wasnt enough for him. I also said his actions didnt match his words. That must have made him angry, he replied ??? as if he didnt know what it meant, then said "I thought I was ready for a commitment but im not"....and ended it all.

I have not and will not reply.

I am stunned. But it was clear he was inconsistent with asking to call and not. I did feel I was being jerked around. I was walking on eggshells. At least now Im not.; July 15, 2013 at 7:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 14, 9:18AM,
The answers you seek are in the article dear. Two sections titled "what to do when your man disappears" and "what to do when your man reappears."; July 15, 2013 at 8:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 15, 12:25AM,
"I truly am at a loss on what to reply"

Don't reply.

"I cant tell if he just wants to keep me in his life to be selfish or if he really wants to be with me again one day."

And that's why you don't reply. The only way a woman can tell if a man is genuinely interested in her or not is to see if he pursues her. And after a disappearing act, that means consistently and repeatedly - a disappearing man MUST repeatedly and consistently prove himself GENUINE - BEFORE he receives any type of response.

"I want to cut him slack"

Don't do that or you're going to regret it dear. He treated you very poorly and he doesn't deserve the benefit of doubt here. You do NOT reward poor treatment with your time and attention. Instead, you deliver a consequence - your absence.

"I don't know if I could wait and just be friends."

NEVER wait for a man to make up his mind about you. Keep moving forward and leave his problems to himself to figure out, don't try to "fix" him because you'll only come to find out that cannot be done. He must fix and solve his inner problems himself.

And if you don't want to be "just friends" - then you DON'T SETTLE for that. Instead, you keep moving forward and find someone that wants what you want. If he makes progress in the meantime, great. But if he doesn't, at least your life is still moving forward.

"I want to reply something short and sweet"

Why? Why would you reward his poor treatment of you with something "sweet?" Why would you reward a man that's disappeared without so much as one single word for months - with kindness and sweetness? If your dog peed on the floor, would you kiss it on the head? No, you would place it outside.

Don't kiss this man on the head for peeing on the floor - place him outside and make him WORK and PROVE himself to get back in.

"putting my emotions on the line again is scary"

You don't do that for a disappearing man dear. Instead, you guard yourself wisely.

If you send this man a kind, sweet response or any response at all - basically, you're signaling that it's okay to treat you like crap because once he says some nice "words". .you'll let him right back in.

My suggestion would be to NOT signal that to him - or the minute you get back together, within a month, he'll be repeating his past behavior.; July 15, 2013 at 8:45 AM
VirgoPal said...: Lady Leo-

I would cease contact with this man. He seems as if he is playing a game of cat and mouse now. When you first said he was asking for a commitment after the 3rd date, I was skeptical. A man rarely asks for such commitment after a 3rd date because it takes time for him to develop feelings unless you've known him for awhile.

Now he is playing games....with YOU! It appears he want you to grovel back to him despite all your apologies and what not. The beginning of the courting stage should usually be drama free. Once the theatrics begin, I think it's time to walk. Because I think once you decide to walk away or don't contact him, he will be back and then the same cycle will start again.; July 15, 2013 at 8:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
Well, you've observed this man and what you've now observed is that he is playing mind games. After he thought he had you in the palm of his hand - he attempted to make you come unglued. That's what those little "I'll call you" pranks are about - making you come unglued and gunning for a reaction from you.

It could've been a test or it could've been his true self - either way, he knew EXACTLY what he was doing there. So when he plays dumb about it, it's a ruse, it's him playing coy.

Don't fall into his trap and attempt to play back, it's a waste of time. Instead, disappear. This man thinks he's now "hooked" you - so just show him that you're unaffected and keep moving forward by not reacting to any of it.

And if he contacts you again, which there's a good chance he may in a month or so - just remain silent and keep moving forward. He had his chance and he's proved himself unworthy - as a result, he gets no more of your time and attention.

My guess is that he's secretly insecure. Because insecurity causes some very strange behavior in men, lots of games to make themselves feel valuable and wanted and better about themselves, and this just about falls right in line with it.; July 15, 2013 at 8:59 AM
Lady Leo said...: Thanks ladies for your comments. INDEED he is insecure...just like I WAS insecure. First off, he is a recovering addict/alcoholic so insecurity is printed on their forehead. I was able to have an insightful talk with a great friend this morning who helped me to put this all into proper perspective and I feel greatly at ease. Taurus was spot on true, honest, consistent and all that until I became wishy-washy. Then he pulls away. (Rubber banding). I then moved towards him with my apology and amends, aka groveling. Well that served to fill up his insecure ego and puff out his chest and feel all that and a bag of chips. Yet inside, he may not have felt he could trust me again. After all, I bailed emotionally first. So what do people who have an "inferiority complex: do? They ACT like an egomaniac and exert the invisble feeling of control. He tried to control me with the promise of phone calls and failure to make them. I have done this MYSELF with him and others. I remember it well....but it only works IF you can get the desired reaction. Just as MOA says..."hooked". But you will be happy to know that I am not hooked because I see right through it. I did not and will not reply. Why? Because I've fallen off the face of the earth, that's why. :)

Today I am driving over to a sea side town, going to attend a fun meeting followed up with the beach. And he's gonna be sitting in his little baby sized man chair wondering why Im not blowing up his phone like I did last week.

I am starving the baby that took advantage of the pudding I gave. Now he has to eat tuna fish!

:); July 15, 2013 at 9:33 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

I feel a little sad, I am assuming since I have not heard from him in almost 2 months ( I have been NC with him for 1 month) that he is not thinking of me. Wouldn't he have reached out by now, I know he is a very busy man but I feel as there is a lot of unfinished business between us. Since I have been NC I have had the time to think about what happened and I have deleted his chat messages. I no longer want to be tortured and be able to go back and try to decipher in between messages as to what made him act this way.

I think he wanted some space and I did not give it to him, he backed off and I stepped forward , he felt the pressure and bolted. He did not tell me with WORDS ( that he needed space) but instead with his ACTIONS ( he disappeared) and I did not pay attention. Ohh!!!! Mirror I miss him but he needs to man up therefore I will remain NC. Everyone tells me that when he is ready he will return but since I was hurt he does not know how to approach me. In the meantime life goes on for me as they say when you finally stop trying to control the situation and let it go that is when they walk back in your life again. And if he cannot man up and come to me like a grown man then HE does NOT deserve me. :)

--Aries Chick; July 15, 2013 at 11:57 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody!

@ VirgoPal

Yes, I agree that when dating in the initial phase provokes a lot of analysing, it isn´t a good sign and unless a woman wants to experience the familiar emotional roller-coaster, the best thing to do is move on. :-(

On a more light-hearted note: I´ve just had a phone call from a man I met through a dating site a YEAR ago! I didn´t even have his number anymore, but I answered the phone anyway and he started talking as if we were still in touch. I met him a year ago, we had one date, I was totally uninterested and told him I would not see him another time. Mirror is right, they ALL are back sooner or later. When I recall my past encounters, all the men I dumped and almost all the men who dumped me have contacted me again sooner or later. That´s why it´s more effective to leave a problematic man sooner than he makes you a nervous wreck - he´ll be back anyway! And although Mirror has said it repeatedly, I must repeat it to myself - and to the other ladies here - again and again because apparently it´s not so easy to absorb it. Don´t waste time with a man who makes you feel bad, feel free to dump him, he´ll certainly return.

Best luck to everybody,
HopefulWithMen; July 15, 2013 at 12:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I'm getting back into online dating since my disappearing man. The last time I did the on-line I wasn't privy to your wonderful advice.

I read your article on the subject but can I ask you something that isn't on there. Well I understand that it is not a good idea to e-mail a guy because that would be initiating contact. However, what is your opinion on pressing a button that favourites a guy which indicates to them that you like them and then it might give them the encouragement to e-mail you.

With this in mind, there are absolutely loads of guys on there but hardly any I like, so one of the issues is if you do see someone you like and you don't mark them by favouriting then what has happen is they don't always come up in the searches. So I've lost a few in the ether and not been able to find them, as I was a bit reluctant to favourite them as I didn't know whether using this function could be perceived as chasing, initiating or pursuing? What do you think?

Also, I look a lot younger for my age and I don't fancy hardly any my age and older and there all e-mailing me. The trouble is the younger ones that I may like, I don't come up in their age search the majority of the time as most guys ask for just a few years older in their search. So in order for me to get someone I like I would have to look for them in my search and then favourite them otherwise they may not come across me.

So what do you think? It is a predicament because ideally I'd like not to favourite but I really want to date quite a few men that I like so I can have fun and not get hung up on anyone in particular. Like I did do with my disappearing man and then became attached, if there had been an abundance of nice men that I was dating then at the time, then I might not of got as hurt but it was the same problem then.

There is another option that you can click to let them know your open for a chat which I suppose is a bit less forward than the favouriting.

Many thanks; July 15, 2013 at 8:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 15, 8:39,
All you need to do to put yourself on a mans radar in most online dating sites is simply view their profile. All men look at the women that are looking t them, LOL ;-)

If they like what they see and are willing to date an older woman, they'll strike up a conversation. However, I'd also like to suggest that you give the other men a shot as well. Upon first glance, ou may not be attracted, but once a man treats you right, an attraction can develop.

If you base all of your dating experiences on looks alone and don't even attempt to communicate with other men and give them a chance, there's a very high likelihood that you'll end up having a series of brief one to three months flings that don't have long term staying power because the relationship was based on a shallow, physical attraction only.

Consider seeing past physical features and look for something deeper...you never know what you may find ;-); July 15, 2013 at 9:15 PM
Lady Leo said...: Well I tell you guys everything, so here's my update on Taurus:

I ignored him all day. In fact, I hadn't even re-read the text exchange between us clearly till last night. When I did, I finally see and identify how indecisive he is. He is in the relationship, then out because he fears I cant give him what needs, then he misses me so he's back. Wishy-washy, very pisces-like. (He has pisces rising). It's like ht wants a guarantee I will be there for him and unless I can prove it in blood, he scares easily and bails. Due to something he wrote, I sent him a brief email last night (Yeah, so NC day 1 is TODAY now).

I said I realized that I had placed too much emphasis on his accepting my apology resulting in the eggshell feeling and that did not make me happy. Too much pressure and I realize this relationship wasn't right for either of us if that's the case. I said I was sad that two people who do care for each other couldn't make it work. It was short, sweet and very much accepting his decision. I said we needed to cut contact now and unless he had a "burning desire" to not reply.

He replied. With "I have a burning desire to tell you how much I cherish the time we spent together".

:( And now my heart is ripped out of my chest. The man is insecure, true. But he is a good man. And I am beyond sad.

I am also dedicated to going no contact. For both MY sake of sanity and him realizing what a good woman I am and he can't have such lofty expectations of me. I will keep as busy as I can. I have to say I am having a hard time catching my breath. I think this may have been love for me.

*sigh*; July 16, 2013 at 6:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous July 15, 8:39

Thank you for your reply, I take your point that men do have a look at who's looking at them ;)

Can I just clarify though, do you think favouriting and the chat option (letting them know you're up for a chat) is pursuing, chasing initiating??

The only thing with waiting for men to see that you've been looking at them option is - I know from myself looking at who's been looking at me, is there's loads and somebody could be easily missed especially if you've not been on there for a few days...

Added to this, there is a function on there that if you look at someone you can set your e-mail settings so they don't know you've looked at them and I think some men have definitely got this one sussed ;) and you start thinking oh they've not had a look back at my profile and I bet they have!!

I take your point about just going for attractiveness. I'm not being shallow here, I been out with some very attractive men in the past and attracted to some that are attractive in some other way more personality. I've also made myself go on second dates in the past and tried to make myself like someone and if it's not there it's not there. I know what I'm like and what I like and there's no point wasting people's time trying to force something. There is no-one on there at the moment that I'm really fancy anyway, I'm having to go for the inbetweeners who are quite attractive and could be nicer when you meet them. In terms of finding out if there is someone who is able to treat me right, I'm not even up to that yet in my observations and filtering.

The guys that are same age or older look about ten years or more older than me and look like they've let them selves go and with daughters who don't look that much younger than me (I do look about 10-15 years younger than my age and I'm just not attracted to men with no hair or even receding, although I know many men in their 30's are losing their hair. I guess we all have things that are deal breakers and that is one of mine and it doesn't matter how gorgeous they are either. What they do also is they post a picture and you think oh hello he's alright and then you come back down to an almighty thud when you see the remaining photos and it's not just like they look older if many cases it looks like a different person and quite a shocker sometimes.

My I ask you about a guy I've come across - he's seemed really interested in me and was trying to get to know me and putting in effort in e-mails unlike some and he seemed to have quite a bit about him that I would consider going on a date with him.

However, what's happened is we got into a 2hr back and forth convo and I decided to - disappear at the 2hr mark, without saying I'd speak to him another time. I'd like to know your honest opinion on whether I was wrong to do that?? I guess I had in the back of my mind 'don't be too available, you've been chatting for two hours now pull back, keep him wanting more, playing a bit hard to get really... Is this so wrong of me, what I did to leave him hanging?? Was I rude? Is this acceptable at this stage of how I'm supposed to be handling men? I know they do it to us all the time but I didn't want to let him think he'd got me.

cont...; July 16, 2013 at 6:59 AM
Anonymous said...: cont...@Anonymous July 15, 8:39,

So when I got back a day later to him from the above interaction, in that he had asked me a question and I had disappeared. Anyway, what's happened is I've got a reaction off him regarding this as he has disappeared on me. So I don't know that my behaviour has backfired, as two days later and I have not heard from him, so I don't know whether I've blown it playing hard to get.

I don't know whether he is giving me a taste of my medicine, he's trying to get a reaction from me and testing me to see if I will enquire to where he is, testing me or whether he's gone off me because of my behaviour.

I thought God I'd been chatting to him for two hours and I didn't feel at this stage I should have to be explaining to him what I'm doing and being available to him all the time.

Please put me right if I am wrong and can you throw insight into his behaviour. Should I wait this man out and let him go if he doesn't get back to me. He's probably one of the very few on there that I would consider going on a date with given the above, so it would be a real shame!!

Thank you; July 16, 2013 at 7:00 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous July 15, 8:39 here,

I forgot to add I can see that he has not read my e-mail and he has been online in the past couple of days, that suggests he maybe being funny(off with me).

If he does get back to me I'm unsure whether to mirror him for the complete time he has done, as I don't know whether I'm in the wrong here?

Thank you; July 16, 2013 at 7:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 16, 6:59PM,
"Can I just clarify though, do you think favouriting and the chat option (letting them know you're up for a chat) is pursuing, chasing initiating??"

Absolutely, it is the woman initiating first contact and conversation with the man.

"I'm just not attracted to men with no hair or even receding, although I know many men in their 30's are losing their hair. I guess we all have things that are deal breakers and that is one of mine"

So what happens if you meet a 25-35 year old and hit it off in a relationship and then five years later, he begins to lose his hair, LOL?

"I don't know whether I've blown it playing hard to get."

Online dating is very different from offline dating. You're going to experience this time and time again in the online world. I try to stress that with the women here regarding online dating - NO EXPECTATIONS. If you go into this with expectations from the man, you're going to find yourself disappointed again and again because in the online world - plenty of options abound and men are easily distracted by them.

You have to look at online dating as socializing and nothing more - getting out there, making connections and getting to know people. If you go into it like that and something pleasant happens, then great. If it doesn't work out, no harm no foul, maybe you've made a new friend.

"I don't know whether he is giving me a taste of my medicine, he's trying to get a reaction from me and testing me to see if I will enquire to where he is, testing me or whether he's gone off me because of my behaviour."

Don't worry about that. If you try really hard to zero in on a certain type of man there, if you disregard many others and focus all of your eggs into one basket online - you're going to be disappointed repeatedly. It's way too soon to be worrying about what this man thinks of you. Who cares? He's not the only man there and if he's been distracted by all of the other options, so be it. You have no emotional attachment to him (or you shouldn't have one yet) so it really doesn't matter what he thinks at this point.

Besides, once he's made it through his rotation and checked out whatever has distracted him, he'll probably be back. It may sound harsh, but that's the reality of online dating. You CANNOT take it seriously in the very early stages at all - socializing, just socializing.

"Should I wait this man out"

No, never wait for a man to decide if he's interested or not - keep moving forward.

"and let him go if he doesn't get back to me."

Absolutely, that's filtering. And if he doesn't get back to you, he wasn't genuinely interested.

"He's probably one of the very few on there that I would consider going on a date with given the above"

That's really too bad dear. The online world is not the place to be putting all of your eggs into one basket, as I've stated previously. It's a place to socialize, network, explore, make connections and make friends. I've known of experiences where people dated, it didn't work out, but they've met someone that it DID work out with - through their new online friend.

But if you're not there making friends, networking and expanding your social circle, you're truly limiting yourself in the experience :-(; July 16, 2013 at 8:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady Leo,
Careful dear, this has turned into a game at this point and I believe he's toying with you as I do not believe a man can develop feelings for someone at this very early stage in the manner he's depicting. I believe he's using emotional manipulation at this stage.

There's too much "stuff" being discussed here at a very early stage and honestly, it feels a bit fake because it's way too soon for any of that to have actually developed in a genuine manner. Men generally do not develop strong feelings like he's depicting in a matter of one, two or three dates. It just doesn't happen that way.

Notice what he's doing here:

"I said we needed to cut contact now and unless he had a "burning desire" to not reply."

To which he spoon feeds you exactly what you asked to hear:

"I have a burning desire to tell you how much I cherish the time we spent together".

If he truly felt that way, then his ACTIONS would line up with his WORDS - but clearly, they don't.

If you keep contacting him and opening this up for discussion and providing him the opportunity to tell you what he thinks you want to hear - I fear you may walk right into a painful situation here head first, unknowingly.

Because what comes out of this man's mouth is proving to be very different from his actions :-(; July 16, 2013 at 8:52 AM
Mltn said...: Ladies, I just wanted to share a couple of observations on the "words vs. actions" issues with men from my experiences.

I've had a lot of male friends over the years, I work in a male-dominated industry, and one of the things I've noticed is that ALL men engage in a lot of "fantasy talk." They talk about a lot of stuff that is never going to happen, without any purpose. It's very stream of consciousness.

For example, a guy runs a 5K. Now, suddenly, he's going to train for a marathon. Not even that, a triathlon. He's going to start hitting the gym every day, running 7 miles a day, blah blah blah. And especially if he's talking with another man, they'll really get going with it. He'll be totally enthusiastic, very detailed. He'll paint a picture and seem to be making real plans. But don't buy him running shoes, it's never going to happen.

I don't think they are "lying" when they do this, and I would not be at all surprised if, at the time they're talking, they really do believe that they'll take up marathon training or whatever. This is just the way the male psyche works. For some reason the fantasy talk also kind of "resolves" it for them, and now they can move on to other things - if you ask this guy in a week how marathon training is going, he'll give you a blank stare. It's off his chest and gone once he's talked about it.

I think a lot of women find themselves the recipient of "fantasy talk" from men, and this is a source of a lot of hurt. This is the "we should totally catch Shakespeare in the park" talk, that proceeds to seemingly very detailed plans for when, what we'll pack for a picnic, what we'll do after. If it's a woman doing this talking, she's making PLANS. But a man may just be fantasy talking. Not only is Shakespeare in the park probably not going to happen, she may never see him again, and this seems bizarre to women.

The other thing I've observed is that men really tend to discredit/ignore what women say and lump a lot of stuff into "nagging and complaining." To the point where I've had several male friends tell me that a woman has broken up with them, or filed for divorce, "out of the blue." Like, no warning, had no idea this was coming.

And I'm like, "didn't you always complain that she was constantly 'nagging and criticizing' you?" They don't get it. Men do not understand that that "nagging, complaining, and criticizing" was the woman expressing relationship-ending problems, and that the end of the relationship was the direct consequence of those problems that she was talking about. Men are either hard-wired or culturally-indoctrinated to tune out anything women say that seems to be "complaining," they are not seeing this as "I'd better shape up or she'll leave."; July 16, 2013 at 10:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous July 16, 6:59PM,

Thank for your advice on-line dating and I will take it on board! However, I wanted to know if you thought I had been rude suddenly leaving a 2hr conversation on-line without me saying that I had to go etc. I got back to him a day later and answered his question but I feel he maybe annoyed that I did this and that's why he's not even reading my message and he has been on-line briefly in the last two days.

I am chatting with other men but I wanted to know if he does get back to me do I mirror the total time he has taken to get back or was I rude to cut him off like that and so reply sooner?? Confused :(; July 16, 2013 at 10:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 16, 6:59PM,
Nope, I don't think it was rude at all. You gave the man two hours of your time. Nothing rude about that. Besides, being too much of a "nice girl" when dating online will only get you run over and left for dead.

I cannot stress enough how you need to detach when dating online dear. Obsessing over checking emails as read or not and wondering what some man that you've never met is thinking or will think of you - all wasted energy dear. Wasted. Men online come and go, then come an go again and again. It's the name of the game there, which is why it needs to be observed as socializing only until you meet someone worthy.

Forget about this man and do as you please. You owe him nothing, you've never met him and you have no obligations to him in any way, shape or form. If he reappears, do as you please, but my suggestion would be - don't go out of your way to be too nice - because there are men there seeking willing "victims" in women who do that. And when one walks away from a woman who isn't falling all over herself to please him and do everything right - there's a very high likelihood that he realized you weren't going to be the perfect "victim" so he moved on.

In which case, you cant thank your lucky stars ;-); July 16, 2013 at 12:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn and the Ladies,
Well said dear and oh so very true. Why do you think porn resonates so deeply with men? It's not necessarily the sex that's taking place. . .it's the imagination and fantasizing that the sex kicks off in a man's head that really resonates with them.

Same with sexting. If you engage in that with men on a regular basis - say hello to "la la land" because that's exactly where you'll be dwelling with him. In a very unreal world of fantasy and over-active imagination where nothing is as it seems.

Ever notice how many great plans men come up with upon first dating? "Oh I'd like to take you here" "Oh, I'd like to do this with you" "Oh, I can't wait to show you my favorite sushi restaurant sometime."

And then what happens?

You end up sitting on his sofa and watching him play video games. If you're lucky, he'll take you out to dinner first, LOL.

Women need to realize that men fantasize a great part of their day away. Some studies reveal that up to 60% of a man's day is spent in la la land - in his head. And this is the reason that every man sees himself as a real catch and a real superhero. He's not lying, that's truly how he SEES HIMSELF - and he may not realize that others don't see it that way or that his actions dictate the exact opposite.

When dating ladies, know this - every man SELLS HIMSELF TO YOU. Every man is running his own PR and marketing campaign, selling an "illusion" of greatness to you. If you take that seriously, you're going to end up disappointed. And the only time you do take that seriously, is when actions follow in line with the illusion he's selling.

Women create false illusions as well, don't get me wrong. But it's not nearly to the degree that men do. And as a woman, if you easily buy into the "illusion" that a man initially sells you, you're going to find that most of the men you date start out as one thing - and by the end, it's a completely different story.

Particularly online, men lie about their height, their income, their living conditions, their private lives (they don't tell you about the women they're still sleeping with on occasion, you have to date them for 3 months to find that out), they lie about the car they drive, the responsibility they have in their career, how good they are in bed, how big their man parts are. . .you name it, they're embellishing it, LOL ;-)

And it's not done with malice. Even though it hurts women, men don't realize this. Many men don't realize that the disappointment the woman will ultimately experience is painful. Men approach dating like a game, like a sport many times, and as a result, it's all just fun and games to them. They're like, "Yea okay, so I fibbed, so what? It was fun wasn't it? You had a good time didn't you?"

And what they don't realize is that while it may have been fun, it was also painful. They don't experience the pain because they're not on the receiving end of it.

But let a man find out a woman's boobs are fake, eyelashes are fake, nails are fake, hair is fake and skin color is fake and - LOOKOUT! You're going to be the biggest liar come this side of the equator, LOL ;-)

When men do it, in their eyes it's harmless fun - all part of the game (the sport of dating). When women do it, in their eyes, you're the most villainous creature they've ever come across, LOL.; July 16, 2013 at 12:57 PM
Peter said...: @Mltn

"I work in a male-dominated industry, and one of the things I've noticed is that ALL men engage in a lot of "fantasy talk.""

Please don't paint us all with the same brush. Sme of us make plans and do what ever we're going to do. Some of us actually like to do something and then talk about it. However there is a fine line between braggard and projecting yourself correctly as a man. I tell people my qualities via advertising and marketing because I need to. On a personal level I couldn't care less who knows what I've done. If I could get by without talking about it I would. I have nothing to prove I'm extremely secure in myself and I trust everything that my qualities as a man will come through. Just so you know we are not all the same.; July 16, 2013 at 1:18 PM
Lady Leo said...: Thank you for your concern, MOA, but let me clarify. We had 8 or 9 dates, spoke every day on phone, spent time with mutual friends etc. This wasn't just a "here and there" relationship. Especially given in the 12 step world, there is a certain automatic bonding, whether it be romantic or platonic. We speak the same language of God, spirituality, emotions and the like. There is very little superficiality when two twelve steppers meet. His parents, brother and brother in law are all 12 steppers. It was a unique situation to say the least.

I don't think he is maliciously manipulative. His "burning desire" comment was in reaction to a comment I made to him first where I asked him to not contact me unless he had a "burning desire to express himself. (I should have included that, as well as explain that "burning desire" is a 12 step term to describe someone who has a need to share something. It's not manipulative".)

I think he was feeling emotional and perhaps regretful that he wasn't able to be open to trusting me again. He is wavering and like you've said numerous times, he needs HIS space and time to figure himself and feelings out. He wants a guarantee that I will always be in it with him and he just needs to come to his own awareness that no human can guarantee that.; July 16, 2013 at 5:03 PM

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