Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

«Oldest ‹Older 3401 – 3600 of 5004 Newer› Newest»

Anonymous said...: cont..
I didn't respond, two days later, after a lot of debating on my mind, I texted "Hey :) how are you?" and then texted back and forth for a little bit, nothing heavy... more like "I'm great... how are you?" "great! painting my kitchen (me)" "oh send me pics" "nice... blah... blah"
Two days more and nothing from him... I have never initiated contact, I don't recall ever doing anything that could be considered wrong on my end (needy or anything like that), except I refused to be a booty call (and even I am not sure that was wrong!)... so I need some advice. I like this guy a lot, pretty much since I started working on the same floor a year ago, when we actually started saying hi to one another :)
What's going on here? Is it that now that we have been intimate, he is just thinking I'm too old for him? or are his fears preventing him from getting closer to me? Or is this totally normal in the early stages? I know we are not in an exclusive relationship, but I also know he is not seeing anybody... well, as far as I know... Could you please write about guys whose wives have cheated on them, and the long term effects this brings to guys? also about dating younger guys :)
Thanks in advance MoA!!!

Puzzled; November 13, 2013 at 2:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 12, 7:28 PM,
The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested dear, is to see if HE pursues YOU. So cease responding to those mass invites he sends and see if he starts regularly striking up conversations with you and eventually asks to speak to you on the phone and/or ask you out on a real date - not a "buddy" type kind of "meet me here" hookup situation, but a real date.; November 13, 2013 at 8:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Puzzled,
"What's going on here? Is it that now that we have been intimate, he is just thinking I'm too old for him? or are his fears preventing him from getting closer to me? Or is this totally normal in the early stages?"

None of the above dear. I believe what's taking place here is the behavior of a player. Those "hey" texts reek of a player (touching base to initiate a hookup but not having any in-depth conversations to genuinely connect with you as a person). He's not calling you regularly to build up to that type of bonding or connection either, as a genuinely interested man would be doing (to lead it into a committed type kind of relationship). He's not making you a priority and he's behaving very casually with regards to you.

So to me, this reads as a player type kind of guy that's exploring his youth and women and keeping things light and casual. I do not get the vibe that he intends to lead this towards a relationship as his behavior is not that of a man with those intentions. Rather, his behavior is that of a man seeking the occasional casual "hookup" when it's convenient for him. And his age really has nothing to do with that as there are many men in their 30's, 40's, 50's and even 60's behaving like this right now as well.

Women tend to make a lot of excuses for the behavior of men by "rationalizing" it away. "Oh he's just hurt" or "Oh he's just scared." But the reality is that when you want to, you can rationalize anything away. And that's why, when dating, you vibe off your gut. The first feeling you feel 3 seconds after an event, right before "rational" thinking kicks in. Because once rational kicks in, then you begin to rationalize things away with the many varied excuses that "could" cause something or "might" be the case. And when women do that, when they rationalize a man's bad behavior and poor treatment of them away - in the end - they almost always come to realize, they should've just listened to their gut, because all along, it was right.

So don't rationalize his behavior away. Instead, truly listen to what his ACTIONS are telling you and signaling to you. And right now, his actions are signaling to you that he's only half interested, it's a matter of convenience for him, he's not making you a priority, he's not having long talks with you over the phone in an attempt to get to know you better, he's only touching base with a lame "hey" text when he wants something (sex and a "hookup") and when you refuse to let him use you for sex as a booty call. . .he disappears and fades away.

It is what it is dear - and it's not good for you, it's not healthy, it's not the proper special treatment you deserve and it's a man that's attempting to use you sexually. And all of his actions are signaling that. If I were you, I'd pull away from him before you really get hurt here. It's clear that he doesn't want a relationship here and that that's not where this is leading. So if that's not what you want, if you want a relationship, then don't waste another ounce of your time here. Move on and find a man that deserves you and that wants what you want and that isn't attempting to use you for selfish purposes. Move on and find your happiness dear :-); November 13, 2013 at 8:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Aries Woman/Aries Guy,
"What was the deal with his "Was wondering why I hadn't heard from you,"

Well dear, that's a very common phenomenon taking place in dating right now, where men are behaving with "feminine" energy and expecting to be pursued, instead of behaving with "masculine" energy and actually taking the lead and pursuing. And the one's that are extremely guilty of this type of mentality - are the players dear. The men that have a "rotation" of women that are hunting them down, chasing them and offering themselves up on a platter to them. The man becomes lazy, becomes "submissive" (feminine) to women and expects to be courted and pursued by them. He sits back and sucks it all in, much like a vampire, all of the attention and ego stroking. When a man invites a woman to pursue him (call him, tell him when she wants to see him, etc.) it's a big red flag - and it usually signals a "player." A man that is lazy and likes things (sex) easy on himself. One that signals that he's rarely, if ever, going to lift a finger for you and signals that it's you that needs to pursue him.

And oddly enough, even players tire of their own game and lose interest, LOL. They invite women to pursue them, and then when the woman does what he's requested, all of sudden their interest becomes like, "Meh." They develop a lazy "take it or leave it" attitude. Which is why I don't suggest ever giving a man too much of what he's asking for. Because the reality is that, when you do that, they tire of it, it's too easy actually (even though they themselves don't realize this will backfire on them), and things that are "predictable" suddenly become "boring." "Unpredictable = exciting. Predictable = boring." It's an odd concept and many men will tell you, "NO way! That's not true, we're not like that." And yes, mature men are not like that. But the reality is that nowadays, many men are actually very emotionally immature and they don't even know themselves and what it is that truly makes them happy. They don't even realize that when they invite a woman to pursue them, they're going to actually lose interest in her - due to their OWN request. It's self-defeating behavior that stems from a lack of maturity and self-awareness about themselves. Many men aren't self-aware and really don't even know what it is that makes them "tick" about a woman. But when you sit with them and really break it down and get them to focus on "self" and what they like about certain women, it always comes back to "Yea, I guess you're right. I guess the reason I really liked her was because she really didn't seem to like me." And there's something about that, something about them needing to "prove" themselves worthy to a challenging woman (to win her over) that drives them absolutely mad about the woman. And I think it stems from their love of "sport" and competition. At that point, when the woman isn't that easy to land, it becomes a "game" of sorts, a sport that's competitive and gets their competitive juices flowing. And that's a feeling of excitement and achievement that men really like. Even though half the time, they themselves are completely oblivious to it.

Cont. . .; November 13, 2013 at 9:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: LOL! It's strange, but true. Look at the comments here from women stating that once they kind of treat a man somewhat poorly, don't make him a priority, don't respond right away, etc. - they come to find that this man who was blowing them off, is suddenly hunting them down, LOL.

The same way that works on you, when a guy doesn't ring you back right away or respond immediately and when he maintains a very blase' casual attitude about things - you end up thinking about this guy all the time. Why isn't he answering? Why isn't he calling? Has he met someone else? That's referred to as "uncertainty" and there's a link in this article under that section of the Law of Scarcity that leads to a study conducted that concluded that for both men and women - uncertainty does indeed create attraction.

Again, predictable = boring. Unpredictable = exciting. And being unpredictable means leaving things in a suspended state of "uncertainty." And that suspended state of uncertainty causes someone to think about you non-stop. And that non-stop cycle of you being on their mind all the time, causes attraction :-)

They're psychological concepts that relate to human behavior and tendencies and they're a bit hard to wrap your head around at first because they seem counter-intuitive. But it's the nature of the beast, and yes, we're all beasts, animals at heart, LOL. Manufacturers and retailers have been using the Law of Scarcity to sell products and create a higher "value" being added to them for many, many, many years - because psychologically - it works on us, LOL ;-) When you want that latest gadget, like say the new iPad mini. Why do you think they start leaking word of it to the media - but then turn around and say they can only produce a very limited quantity before the holidays? It's because they know if they approach it like that, Apple will have people fighting over the new iPad mini during the holidays, thus making it a very "valuable" thing to attain, and causing folks to hunt it down long past the holidays - and cherish it once they receive it - because of how hard they had to hunt and fight to have one ;-); November 13, 2013 at 9:38 AM
Anonymous said...: "So don't rationalize his behavior away. Instead, truly listen to what his ACTIONS are telling you and signaling to you. And right now, his actions are signaling to you that he's only half interested, it's a matter of convenience for him, he's not making you a priority, he's not having long talks with you over the phone in an attempt to get to know you better, he's only touching base with a lame "hey" text when he wants something (sex and a "hookup") and when you refuse to let him use you for sex as a booty call. . .he disappears and fades away.

It is what it is dear - and it's not good for you, it's not healthy, it's not the proper special treatment you deserve and it's a man that's attempting to use you sexually. And all of his actions are signaling that. If I were you, I'd pull away from him before you really get hurt here. It's clear that he doesn't want a relationship here and that that's not where this is leading. So if that's not what you want, if you want a relationship, then don't waste another ounce of your time here. Move on and find a man that deserves you and that wants what you want and that isn't attempting to use you for selfish purposes. Move on and find your happiness dear :-)"

your absolutely right mirror ive been there done that same exact situation -setttled with the hey's and got used and so hurt. i knew this guy was bad news when i met him at 19 all signs pointed to that and it was very obvious but he was the first guy i was attracted to tell me i was beautiful and i guess woman like challenges too because i thought if i pursued and showed him how great of a girl i was i could turn that situation around from hookup to relationship-i was successful for a short time but he went back to his lying cheating ways (also a very bad sign when you first meet a guy and he lies about his name!) anyways when we were together he always told me he liked living alone..recently i found out hes moved in with some woman and even though hes so protective over who he allows in his sons life he takes her over there on his weekends with him and around this woman! ive known him since i was 19 and ive been obsessing over him for too long now (im 28)still hopeful he'll come back around when hes made it very clear to me more than once that it will never happen between us and dont waste my youth on him cause it just won t ever happen and also "im not getting any younger" -my hearts broken, rejected and i cry alot sometimes i feel like dying nothing is right in my life -so much stress i try to keep it together but its so hard at times and i feel lonely and sad and wish i had someone who cared and loved and supported me in this struggle called life. sorry to be so negative but i think its so important for girls to know that trying to stay involved with someone whos not good for you and openly admits that hes not good for you is a really bad idea and can literally make you feel empty inside after being used tiime and time again then he just disappears and keeps reappearing to use you again-they'll say they care but if theyre not telling you that they love you and showing you through their actions they dont care at all.; November 13, 2013 at 11:44 AM
chk61 said...: Great advice from MOA to Puzzled. I might add one thing that Puzzled should think about (having been there myself). Rather than holding out hope and thinking if she acts a certain way or doesn't act a certain way that he'll come around, since she WORKS with this guy I suggest she take control of this situation right now and decide that HE and this casual situation is not for HER, rather than the other way around. We women tend to rationalize, give men the benefit of doubt too much and hold out hope for way too long....this renders us powerless and increases the risk of actual rejection from HIM when everything points to what MOA has said - this guy is not acting like someone who wants a relationship with you, he is acting like a guy who wants a casual hook up with no commitment.

Speaking from experience, seeing a man regularly (either at work, or he lives nearby or through a shared avocation) that you had a "thing" with, after it didn't work out despite your romantic hopes, is very painful and difficult. Maybe I"m too sensitive but I had a TOUGH time with it and this is why a lot of people won't date co-workers. I waited, held out hope, rationalized things, and got dumped. And then had to see the guy semi-regularly for years.

So if it were me, since you WORK with him, I would gather all my strength, and I would plan right now that if the guy asks me out again, I would say "No", and just end it right then and there but say it very confidently, kindly and breezily: "hey (dude's name), it was really great getting to know you and I enjoyed myself but I have to be honest: I don't think we're compatible and since I do like you and we work together, I wanted to let you know." And then you have taken control, you are taking care of yourself and you haven't rendered yourself powerless to be rejected by HIM.

If you did not work with him, I would just suggest No Contact as MOA has detailed very well here. But the fact is, you will see him regularly in the hallway.

And if he just fades and doesn't approach you or ask you out again, you decide for yourSELF that you are done with him and you carry on at the workplace with your head held high, you are confident and self-assured and he is firmly in your PAST. It may be difficult in the beginning but practice makes perfect. (Believe me I know this is easy for me to say...) You must act like nothing happened, you are fine, and you are happy that you found out that he is not the one for you so you can NOW find the guy who IS for you. You must say to yourself: the world is my oyster and there are tons of male fish in the sea. Most important: Never, ever let 'em see you sweat!

Just my two cents. ;-); November 13, 2013 at 12:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 13, 11:44 AM,
"my hearts broken, rejected and i cry alot sometimes i feel like dying nothing is right in my life -so much stress i try to keep it together but its so hard at times and i feel lonely and sad and wish i had someone who cared and loved and supported me in this struggle called life."

You're not alone dear, as you can see from the myriad of comments here, you're not alone. And don't feel rejected. Don't look at it like that. Look at it as it truly is - it simply wasn't a match. That's it, nothing more. Don't read anything more into it, other than that simple fact - it's not a match. It has nothing to do with you, nothing to do with you not being good enough or something "wrong" with you. It's simply the fact that this wasn't a match, that's all it is, nothing more.

And when it comes to men like this, the reality is that they do give away who they truly are very early on. Which is why it's imperative that women not make excuses for bad behavior and poor treatment. That is actually saying something about the man's character and you shouldn't ignore that or rationalize it away. The signs are always there, you just have to "hear" them.

And you have to accept that it's your JOB to look out for yourself. Regardless of what others say, YOU have to do that for yourself. If people say he's a nice guy, that's probably because they only know the individual on a friendship level. My ex was a nice guy as far as that was concerned too. But dating him - was an entirely different story. So when people who have never been emotionally involved with an individual tell you he's a nice guy, the reality is that they've never dated him, so how do they know? You can't take their word for it. YOU have to EXPERIENCE the man YOURSELF first. Because his interactions and behavior with you on an emotional level can be VERY different than the experiences, interactions and behaviors others are having with him on a friendship level. Someone can be very different emotionally from the person they are "socially." So when well-meaning friends encourage you to forge ahead against your gut, don't listen. Because their experiences and interactions with him will be very different from the experiences and interactions you're having with him yourself.

In the end dear, you're the only one you'll ever be able to rely on. You're the only one that will ever be able to make you happy and fulfilled and you're the only one that will ever know what's right for you and what you need. And you're the only one that will look out for yourself. It sucks, and yes, it feels lonely. But that's life. And there's nothing any of us can do about that, but support one another on our own individual paths via encouragement and good, solid sound advice that stems from common sense - and not our emotions :-)

When making decisions for yourself in life, learn to make them from a place of common sense, with your emotions REMOVED (much like you make business decisions), and things will become much clearer on your path :-); November 13, 2013 at 1:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
Well said my dear - you're getting stronger and stronger and developing proper decision making skills for yourself with each step of the way. Give yourself a big pat on the back dear - well said ;-); November 13, 2013 at 1:13 PM
Anonymous said...: it just hurts so bad when you love someone and your heart aches for them to love you back but they ignore you repeatedly and are downright mean and rude and even heartless and you keep making excuses its because of their issues and insecurities and the mistakes you've made and for not being good enough and you know they are happy with someone else hard to move on after so long . .but youre right mirror must take care of myself the alternative is being in this slump and being miserable and depressed all the time i dont think i was created me to live life like that
thank you <3 xoxo; November 13, 2013 at 1:43 PM
Mltn said...: There are a couple of cliches that really do seem sound and work for me: "nothing gets you over the last one like the next one" and "fake it 'til you make it."

I'm facing a couple of obstacles in my journey: (1) I'm not really dating because my son is young, so falling into this thing with my co-worker was unexpected but I'm not really dating to distract myself from the aftermath, and (2) he's my co-worker, so I can't really get away from him.

I think it would be easier if I were dating, and I'd be jumping back up on the horse if I thought that were right for me and my son at this time. I have been flirting with several men, and that positive attention and light-heated fun does wonders for my sense of rejection and is very distracting. It's a reminder that there are other fish in the sea. It makes me feel pretty, young, and feminine. It introduces some "pursuit" type game that is flattering and distracting. So if there's no reason for you not to date, other than being mired in feelings for your DM, by all means get back out there. Even if your heart is not in it at first, well, fake it 'til you make it. And by all means, cut him out of your life if you can.

Also, I have definitely noticed that my "tar pit of feelings" for co-worker is definitely on a hormonal cycle. I notice I'm more mopy, weepy, and feeling itchy to get in contact with him middle of the month (ovulation) and when I'm PMSing. I know to be more wary during times that I'm also emotionally vulnerable because of hormones. I am a smart, sophisticated professional, so it pains me to admit that I'm so affected by hormones, but recognizing it has helped me to get it under control and to convince myself that "this is the hormones talking."

Best of luck, ladies.; November 13, 2013 at 2:54 PM
JD said...: Dear MOA, you stated:

"The men that have a "rotation" of women that are hunting them down, chasing them and offering
themselves up on a platter to them. The man becomes lazy, becomes "submissive" (feminine) to
women and expects to be courted and pursued by them. He sits back and sucks it all in, much like a
vampire, all of the attention and ego stroking. When a man invites a woman to pursue him..."

My DM used to say things like: "Give me a call tomorrow..." and when we first started talking he would tell me that "chasing" goes BOTH ways. It's a two way street. Your thoughts on that? But it seems like he does expect women to pursue him..maybe he does have a rotation going on, but he get in there via Facebook. He did do a lot of initiating, but the phone calls are what we had to work on. He works 2 jobs and I used to make excuses for him not being able to contact me CONSISTENTLY, but even my guy friends told me it doesn't take but 2 seconds to send someone a text. And if I man really wants to make time for you, he would. I was married before and I remember the way my children's father chased me. I mean I heard from him EVERYDAY. There was one day where I didn't hear from him and that was because something was wrong with the batter to his phone. That man sent me texts, CALLED me everyday. And he was married before..so MOA is right when she mentioned that men will marry and be ready to commit to whom they want to...he said he would NEVER get married again, but then he met me. Anyhow that was almost 10 years ago and didn't work out. LOL

So this DM was married and divorced due to from his side of the story, lack of respect from his ex. But I also believe after going through this disappearing act, there was probably a big issue with communication and MATURITY. As his relatives on FB would say he has matured quite a bit. Speaking of maturity, I had to reflect on why I had been so baffled thinking how could my DM be so immature at the age of 40-something. Then I looked at the behavior of my co-worker and his stories about home life, he is almost 60. Immature man. Then I look at the arguments my folks still have, my own father displays immature behavior which makes me cringe sometimes and he is 60. I've had other observations as well.; November 13, 2013 at 3:23 PM
JD said...: (continued part 2)

I have been in NC for almost 2 months now. No texts, phone calls, run-ins or social media. I still do wonder if I will hear from him again. Even though one of my last words to him were "I never imagined you to be a hit it and quit it type of person" That didn't give him the impression that I may be "done", did it? I'm just curious. I told my good friend about what happened soon after it happened (finally hearing from him after 6 weeks of silence and me sending a text pointing out my observations on his character). And I kept asking her "How does he figure he's not playing with my feelings...but then he does this? And he even said he is not cruel?!" She told me, "That doesn't even matter. You are done with him. He's someone else's problem now." She was trying to protect me from him?

So NO "love taps". Cause he will initiate contact if he really wants to. After how many months of NC do you say, "just forget it."

You once stated in one of my posts, that while it seemed like it turned out to be a hit it and quit it situation, you have the feeling he didn't intentionally want it to begin that way. (recall this is a man I used to work with almost 7 yrs ago, knows what I went through in my divorce and after a long period of celibacy, I slept with). Will it take a longer psychological effect for the NC to finally kick in his head? I was a little worried that the last thing I said to him "I never imagined you to be a hit it and quit it type of person" gave him the message that I am done with him. So that's why he is not attempting to contact me. Recall also, the sex was quick, so I am not dwelling on that LOL but I did get emotionally attached and these months of NC have helped me to detach.; November 13, 2013 at 3:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"My DM used to say things like: "Give me a call tomorrow..." and when we first started talking he would tell me that "chasing" goes BOTH ways. It's a two way street. Your thoughts on that?"

My thoughts on that? Well. . .he disappeared, right, LOL? He's now a disappearing man. Those are my thoughts on that.

When you do what they ask you and you comply and you begin to chase and pursue - POOF, they're gone. I don't care what they say. I don't focus on their words and I don't focus on their requests and I don't focus on all of their promises. I only focus on their ACTIONS. And their actions, time and time again after a woman flip flops the roles and begins to pursue them (as they've requested) - is that they lose interest and eventually begin to pull back, fade away and disappear - regardless of their words. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again and again, LOL - half these guys don't even know what they want and what they need to make them happy. And proof of that is right there in those actions of them inviting you to pursue, and then you do, and then they end up turned off and lose interest. Without even realizing that THEY invited this type of behavior in the first place and THEY are the reason THEY lost interest, LOL.

To further that point, look at your own experience:

"My DM used to say things like: "Give me a call tomorrow..." and when we first started talking he would tell me that "chasing" goes BOTH ways. It's a two way street."

"he did say that with my text messages I seemed kind of "demanding" and that he did't like the way I was coming at him with it"

"Then he disappears..after asking those questions"

"I've even asked some of my guy cousins who are former players. They said, you can ask a guy what his intentions are, but you never really know what he will do. His words aren't a guarantee."

"The last thing he texted me was the reason why he hasn't been responding because it seemed like I was "demanding"

That's how it generally goes. They invite you to pursue, you begin to pursue, and then they feel pressured and insinuate that you're demanding (of their time) and then they call you crazy and then. . .they're gone. Regardless of their words and their own actions of inviting you to behave like this, as if it'll be okay - the reality is the exact opposite, it's never okay with them and in the end, it ends up being the excuse they use to break up with you.

"Will it take a longer psychological effect for the NC to finally kick in his head?"

There's no guarantee it'll kick in ever dear. It all depends on the level of the man's interest. A man who wasn't genuinely interested in the first place may never come around again. And there's no guarantee that a man who was genuinely interested to an extent will either as this requires some humiliation and the "swallowing of pride" to do. If you're using NC to get the man back - there's only a 50/50 chance of that. Nothing in life is a guarantee and neither is NC. You can't make someone love you or care for you or want to be with you, no matter what you do :-(

Cont. . .; November 13, 2013 at 4:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I was a little worried that the last thing I said to him "I never imagined you to be a hit it and quit it type of person" gave him the message that I am done with him"

I don't know why you'd worry about that dear. Or why you'd worry that a man that treated you poorly isn't coming back - to treat you poorly again. Why wish for a man that treats you poorly to be in your life?

"After how many months of NC do you say, "just forget it."

Using NC is meant mainly for YOU. If you're using it properly, which is mainly for YOU to detach and move on, you never have to say "forget it" because the moment you've started NC, you're already saying "forget it" and attempting to move on. Even if you use it to test the man's level of interest, at the point you begin, you're still of the "forget it" mindset, because you realize it's time to start pulling away to see if he'll man up or not. You don't sit around and wait for him to reach his decision. The minute you start NC, YOU have taken control of the situation and YOU are already deciding to move on and live your life. If he wants you or realizes he has feelings for you, he knows where to find you. That's the mentality you should have about NC. One of "I'm done with this and I'm ready to detach and get my head on straight. If he has a change of heart and decides to come around, fine. At that time, I WILL DECIDE if I even want to ever see him again."

If you're sitting around during that period as if you're in hibernation, waiting for the man to resurface instead of getting out there, moving on and living your life. . .you could end up in a state of suspended emotion forever, waiting for some guy to return who may never come back.; November 13, 2013 at 4:46 PM
Anonymous said...: -If you're sitting around during that period as if you're in hibernation, waiting for the man to resurface instead of getting out there, moving on and living your life. . .you could end up in a state of suspended emotion forever, waiting for some guy to return who may never come back.

soo very true then your not really living life youre just going through the motions checking your phone every second and waiting for something to happen that may never happen and really was never meant to happen

-Why wish for a man that treats you poorly to be in your life?

i had to really think about that one..i dont know i feel desperate and pathetic when you put it that way why would anyone wish for that? every one will tell you no man is perfect and you think he's no exception-hes not perfect im not perfect even the pope isnt perfect- i guess thats just me making another excuse for him..; November 13, 2013 at 5:40 PM
Gemini50 said...: @All,
Reading great posts by everyone tonight!

For those that are hurting, believe what Ms. Mirror says. You are not alone. This is a community of (mostly) women who have been or currently are handling the same pain. Please give yourself a gift. Give yourself space and time to just breath and take life one day at a time, or one hour at a time, or one minute at a time in order for you to make it through the roughest spots. To see how others are finding comfort, take a break from the pain chains by reading as much as you can here... it works.

Great advice Mltn and Chk61 for those of us who've been here awhile. ;-)

I'll share an update on my stuff: Scorpio's birthday was last week. I REALLY stressed over contacting him for a couple weeks prior. (We haven't had any communication since July.) I wanted to "tap" him a happy birthday, first because I was thinking of him and wanted to recognize his birthday, and second because I wanted to see what he'd do.

I sent it the evening of his birthday before I went to bed (and I slept quite well too) with the expectation I would not hear from him that evening, which I didn't. I DID receive a text about 8AM next morning with a "thanks" and then a question right after.

I didn't respond until 5 hrs later. And to my surprise, I didn't stress over it. I just decided to wait until my lunch to respond.

Scorpio replied immediately, and we text back and forth for about an hour and a half. But this time, I mirrored him plus more. If he took 2 minutes to respond, I waited 4. If he took 10, I waited 20. So, not much was said other than birthday banter in that 1.5 hrs, but the difference this time was that not once did he step out of line with me. And, when I saw an opportunity to depart with him having the last text, I did. No good-byes or c-ya's, just nothing more to say on the subject, so I didn't.

I felt and still feel good about it. I was confident and Powerful and just gracious for his birthday.

I had to fake taking care of myself this whole year with him when he'd contact me for a hook-up. What he heard from me was NOT how I felt. I had to practice saying "no thanks," practice my expectations of how I should be treated, and practice being sure of the more valued me. And I practiced without preaching or getting angry or trying to prove anything to anyone other than myself. My behavior wasn't about him, it was about me. Practice makes perfect ladies! As Ms. Mirror says, "it's work, and it's our jobs!" Put a high value on yourself, you are worth the result. I'm not totally there yet, but I can feel myself moving along ;-)

Hugs to all!; November 13, 2013 at 6:35 PM
JD said...: Sigh, you are right MOA! Why am I feeling that way? I think my mind knows it has been 2 months as of tomorrow. He treated me poorly! So why am I going back and forth on my feelings sometimes? At times I feel strong then once in a while I'll start feeling sad. I know I deserve better. How would he learn that he has mistreated me if I reach out to him? For instance, I'll be in the same vicinity as he is next month when planning to spend time with close friends. Yesterday, the urge to contact him letting him know I'll be there and it would be nice to see him, kicked in. But I would make myself look like a fool, I'd think...to contact him. Give him another opportunity to reject me and have my emotions go out of whack or actually see him and it just go totally wrong and not to mention may make me look like I am desperate for him. But as you said...if his feelings change and realizes he did make a mistake, then he knows where to find me.

As for sitting and waiting for him, I'm not doing that. But sometimes, I admit, curiosity gets the best of me. And makes me want to reach out to him. But I keep thinking, if I do that BEFORE he decides to reach out with an APOLOGY, then it's signaling to him that it was and it is ok to treat me like crap. :-/

Thanks for all that you do, MOA. For your time and very thoughtful and thorough answers! I've read a little bit about the post where you have explained what you went through and although I hated that you did go through it, I'm thankful that you are using your experiences to help us. I don't think there is another place in the virtual world that gives as much help as you do!

So if me and the DM see each other, it will be during that graduation I mentioned. I hope by that time, if I do see him and we look at each other, I won't feel anything.; November 14, 2013 at 12:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 13,5:40 PM,
It's not about you or him being perfect dear. Being perfect is an unattainable goal. As humans, we're all flawed. If we weren't, we'd be Gods, not humans ;-)

It's about how he TREATS YOU. That's what you need to focus on, not perfection. Nobody is perfect, but everybody is capable of common courtesy. And when you're not receiving that from someone, that's when the problems develop. Because one is giving too much, while the other is taking too much. It results in an "imbalance" in the relationship. And when things are imbalanced, they simply don't work.

Harmony and balance, equal give and take, are what keeps relationships strong, healthy and long lasting :-); November 14, 2013 at 12:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"He treated me poorly! So why am I going back and forth on my feelings sometimes?"

Because you're human dear. And change is not easy, it's difficult. And the transitional period is very uncomfortable and leaves you feeling unsettled emotionally. But in the end, if you ride it out and experience the ups and downs in healthy ways, releasing the anxiety and emotions in healthy ways (as opposed to projecting that onto others), you'll weather the storm much better and in the end, reap the rewards :-)

We can't control what happens to us, but we can control our reactions to those things.

Life is a journey dear. And journeys usually entail mountains to climb and deep dark valleys to explore. Embrace it as such and look at it as something uncomfortable, but positive, and soon, you will find that you're getting stronger, feeling better about yourself and developing healthy coping skills to deal with the ups and downs and suffering that accompany life and our existence here on earth. And that's more valuable than any man dear.

Hang on, it's a wild ride - but one definitely worth taking.

When you step off the roller coaster dear, your hair may be a bit tossled, but your inner being will be balanced - and you won't give a shit about your hair, LOL! ;-); November 14, 2013 at 12:20 PM
Scorpiolady said...: Hi ladies,

I'd like to add onto the above mentioned notions about men actually enjoying the chase. Around August I was commenting on this website with regards to a certain guy as I felt he was on the fence between me and his ex whom he had a 5-year history with, whom he was also in contact with around the same time. I decided to NC him and struggled a lot to let him go - the process in which allowed me to learn a LOT of things. Most importantly, it is about my own value and how essential it is to be full and complete on my own. I am still not there, but am working hard on it! Recently I began correspondence with him because, for want of grand gestures and a raw apology (much preferred), he was contacting me often.

This time I applied what I had learnt in my interactions with him. Most of my efforts were internal - meaning I very consciously detached myself from him; I forced myself not to be so eager to reply his messages, etc. At every step along the way, I made the effort to recognise if I'm sliding into becoming needy with regards to him - yknow, even if I do not show it to him, I know if I'm becoming anxious or insecure because of him because I am again starting to rely on him to make me happy, "complete" me, etc. And I will pull back to regain a healthy sense of self-sufficiency.

Anyway, we've been very playful with one another (in public) and he wants to kiss me. But I am holding that off because firstly, I still want him to acknowledge what's going on and have a clean break with his ex properly. So we tease each other a lot and then he'd try to sneak kisses and I would playfully, coyly avoid him... and we kept doing that for a while (he even said before, "Yknow, one day I will kiss you again, surely.") and then one day, I became a bit more daring when he was teasing me, almost as if I wasn't "afraid" if we kissed. And yknow what he said?

"It's not fun anymore; you're not scared."

Then I realised as much as he acts as if he wants to kiss me, the fun is in the little teasing and playing around - in how is he going to get what he wants. And I think he knows that too - which is why even though he pushes for it, he never forces it and always lets it go. As much as I thought it would break his heart if I kept rejecting him, I realise I don't have to worry about that - don't have to worry about him, just worry for myself! Deep inside, he enjoys it. And so now, I really don't know when am I going to allow him to kiss me... but yknow, it doesn't matter does it?; November 14, 2013 at 12:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ScorpioLady,
You gals are having all kinds of breakthroughs and "epiphany" moments this week, LOL ;-) I'm happy to see it.

"one day, I became a bit more daring when he was teasing me, almost as if I wasn't "afraid" if we kissed. And you know what he said?

"It's not fun anymore; you're not scared."

And there you have it. Straight from the horses mouth, LOL.

What women need to understand is that men and women are different, very different. Women need certain things to make them happy and men need certain things too - all of which are VERY different from one another, as this little example sheds light on.

Men need challenge to make them feel manly, successful, accomplished and good at what they do - which is - being a man. Women need emotional fulfillment and security and need to feel "desired" to an extent to make them feel womanly, sexy, valued and successful at what they do - which is - being a woman.

So when you project the things that make you happy onto another human being, particularly a man, and you believe that just because this is what you need and want and you think that this is how things should go and this is the pace they should move at, this must also be what he needs and wants and this must be the pace he feels it should move at too - it's a recipe for disaster.

Why?

Because men - are NOT women ;-)

That's like believing that because a rose needs fertile soil to thrive in, that orchids must need the same, too. When the reality is that many orchids actually grow on the side of trees - without the need of dirt.

Ever heard the ole' saying, "Don't compare apples to oranges?" Translation: Two things cannot be compared ;-); November 14, 2013 at 12:56 PM
Anonymous said...: (From Aries Woman/Aries Guy)

Dear MOA,

I have been reflecting on all of the amazing wisdom which you've so kindly given out (not just to me, but to others, plus everything on your website) and it is so obvious to me NOW that Mr. Aries Guy fits your description to a tee. He's a player, one hundred percent. He gets the attention of his prey and feasts on it. I find it humorous indeed that he doesn't even realize, due to his own hunt, that he actually loses interest once the prey is caught.

Looking back, he was the one who initiated the first contact. I innocently wandered into his TRX class. Sure, I quietly noticed he was VERY fit, but that was it. I didn't flirt. Did not even think to! He sent me a text (instructors have cell phone #s of all participants to confirm place in class) saying "Nice to meet you" with a smiley face. I was caught completely off guard by it. Was shocked, frankly. And I blew it off. Which, of course, made him even more interested. I kept delaying my text responses all week because I was really busy and did not have time to respond (nor did I feel like making the time to do so).

When he asked why a pretty, fit woman like me was single and I did not respond, then texted me the next morning with SORRY IF I WAS OUT OF LINE, at that point I was flattered enough by the attention and his "apology", that he had me finally glancing his way.

Your statements about male players having female energy nails it. This explains certain texts I received from him, wondering if I had enough time for him; a question mark if I didn't answer him right away; or him disappearing from a back-and-forth text thread because he got pouty, claiming he did not like having to wait to see me. So... he's allowed to fall off the face of the earth, but God forbid the attention fall off of him.

Last week, the messaging started up again because HE flirted with me at the gym. I was just walking by, minding my own business. However, I am the one who sent the (friendly but not flirty) text message. Not him. Had I not sent it, I am question whether he would have even contacted me.

I find the whole lot of behavior from these kinds of males pretty disgusting. Can't there be a gorgeous, fit, hot man out there who isn't an asshole?

I did go to the gym today. The 30-day rule just isn't practical in my case---I'm not going to stop working out for the two weeks I am in town. Mr. Aries Guy was there training clients. I know he saw me. I did my thing. Didn't make eye contact. Just kept walking past if he was nearby. Thankfully, he was never too nearby.

It was good to have the experience, because it broke the spell, so to speak. I left knowing that I could be there while he's there and I'm perfectly fine. I'm still amazing, and I'm still me. He didn't take anything away from me or who I am. It was truly freeing! And after all, I am an Aries Woman who craves my freedom :-)

Thank you, MOA. Sincerely.
oxox; November 15, 2013 at 1:13 AM
JD said...: Why the eff are men so complicated? LOL Or is it that? I told the DM in the beginning I don't play games and I don't like my time wasted or like to waste another's time. And if something changes, then out of respect I would tell him...and he said he would do the same!

Whuteva.

I'm starting to think the DM is a closet B.S.er

And when we did start contacting in the beginning he would push so much for recent pics of me. I took my time in sending him some and then he did say at one point "You are not a woman of your word, Ma'am." What about you, Sir??!!!!!! Do they even remember the things they tell us? Seriously....

In the beginning, he would say things like, "I hope I do well..." (meaning do his part, I guess) "I will do better...I know I said I will do better and I haven't lately but I will..." (on communicating CONSISTENTLY). B.S.er

Why does it have to be complicated? Why can't we all just be upfront with each other?; November 15, 2013 at 2:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"Why can't we all just be upfront with each other?"

Because that requires emotional maturity dear. And as you can see, many men are simply young boys in a grown man's body ;-); November 15, 2013 at 3:57 PM
JD said...: MOA,

now I see...it's not fair LOL that generally it seems women tend to mature easier, quicker whereas men will do it when they FEEL like it. ugh.

Someone today told me that my reaction and statement towards the DM killed any attraction he had for me and now he associates me with negativity...in that I did not make him feel safe and provide a nurturing and loving environment for him to want a relationship with me. :-| And that he now views me as a woman who has a need for entitlement. :-| Yes, I did want a relationship with him, BUT soon after we got intimate, I did have a feeling he didn't want one, at least at that time. And I soon accepted it, but what I was DISTRAUGHT over was when he wouldn't respond and disappeared--not over deep down inside knowing he didn't want a relationship. Did I really KILL any attraction he had for me? She also said that he didn't play with my feelings because he never SAID he wanted a commitment. BUT he knew how much my celibacy meant to me. Like I picked him out of all the men in this world. NOT that I used that as a bargaining chip or was ever trying to be manipulative! I'm just surprised the conversation took that turn. I would never MAKE a man be in a relationship with me just because I gave him the cookies. Like I said, I was just heartbroken when he ignored me and disappeared. This is not some random guy or man I JUST met a year ago. We knew each other! As I'd think no one cruel and mature would leave someone hanging like that. I admit, today my thoughts were consumed with contacting him to tell him I'm going to be in the vicinity in 6 weeks. But I kept thinking...DATE WITH DIGNITY. DIGNITY, DIGNITY, DIGNITY. That would've been a waste of 2 months of NC. Your thoughts? Anyone else thoughts?; November 15, 2013 at 9:42 PM
JD said...: OMG MOA,

ok so read your post about how guys will invite the woman to do the pursuing and what usually happens after and our article on this blog about it. Remember I mentioned that the DM told me "I will call you later OR YOU CAN CALL ME." about his schedule? Well oh well...what did I do? Call him! Only because almost one week past where I didn't hear from him. And I sent a text about it. Because he asked me to. So I pursued it! Then it further started to irritate me that even though, I spaced out my messages (sent one text once a week or once every 2 weeks) I started becoming "demanding." And then when we did have contact after 6 weeks of ignoring me, he kept saying that he told me he'd call but I didn't give him the chance to...but he told me to call him! Seriously...and he seemed to FORGET that he told me that when he brought it up. Kept bringing that up and not the "Where is this going" question. OMG...men are confusing themselves! I agree they don't even know what they really want. Ugh. LOL! Revelation for me.; November 17, 2013 at 12:15 AM
Anonymous said...: JD here are my thoughts and I hope they help you :)

I have been there way too many times but luckily I wasn't intimate with them so made things slightly easier to deal with. I was hurt but I knew I didn't give them "everything". I think we are wired completely different to men as you know so when we are intimate with men, our body automatically gives produces the hormone oxytocin - that nice feeling you have where you want to be/stay "together" and cuddle. Unfortunately for men it doesn't work that way. The more immature they are the worst their response is. From what I have experienced and read on this post from different ladies men tend to bolt whenever they feel pressure to commit or do something that is not on their own time. It is very tough for us girls because we want to know where we stand with men - am I fling? is he only with me or dating others? what next? has he lost interested after I gave him the "ccokies" :))? I think men disappear after something like this a) when they have no idea how to reach to something , they are unsure of what they want b) they are not interested in anything serious and have no idea how to communicate that to you because they are afraid of your reaction which is why it is so important to remain calm, civil and not show bursts of emotion when they leave. You never want to give him the satisfaction of saying to his friends "damn that girl was crazy psycho calling me and all to get back with her". I have 2 brothers so I hear their stories :( not cool at all. I think when they disappear (especially Taurus men not sure what your guy is) you kind of have to let them go figure it out on their own. Much much easier said than done. I know if a girlfriend doesn't message me back I wonder what happened so imagine with a guy? The best way to stay calm and not let it consume you is to keep yourself busy and during that time you may end up meeting someone much cooler who will take up all that energy you are spending thinking about Mr. Immature or Mr. Coward on this new guy. I think we women all have this "obsessive" thinking pattern that gets triggered when this sort of thing happened. I read a blog by some guy talking about how guys can get girls and one of his methods was to trigger that obsession inside us women by you guessed it ignoring her :))) With technology it makes it so much harder because it is so easy to text, email or Facebook the guy only to get no response so you are left checking them all every 5 minutes to see if he responded which makes it worst, you get more obsessed and consumed mentally.

2 months of NC is great. Think of it as a challenge! I have a feeling when NC month #3 comes around he won't cross your mind. I am not saying he won't but no where near as much.

If you do text him or email him saying you will be in the vicinity in 6 weeks (crazy if you notify him so much in advance, would sound desperate) and he does not respond how will you feel? You will probably go back to feeling like you did day #2.; November 17, 2013 at 5:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont'd JD (I just posted a comment but text wouldn't fit)

"My DM used to say things like: "Give me a call tomorrow..." and when we first started talking he would tell me that "chasing" goes BOTH ways. It's a two way street. Your thoughts on that?"

Here are my thoughts on this. Exactly what MOA said. They invite you to pursue and when you do, POOF they are gone. I had an experience which hopefully will take your mind of what is going on with you. About a year ago I met Mr. Taurus :) hot, funny, sort of interesting, successful anyways you get the picture. We started talking and I was like oh he seems cool as a friend and I was casually seeing/talking to 3 guys. He came into the picture and turned our friendship into what could have been a relationship. He basically made me drop those three guys and I was doing everything right - let him write me first etc. He did everything I wanted him to and I was happy. I acted differently to all the girls he has talked to and that caught his attention big time. Every morning he would wake me up with text messages and flattery never ended with him "you are hot, so hot, you are perfect, I fricking adore you, I frickin love you, you are sexy, pretty and funny". Well he soon started to get busy with his work and was not communicating as often as he was when he was free. How did I react? I became anxious and started to get nervous that I was losing him - BIG mistake. I started to email him "where have you been miss you". I started to act needy. I did ask him when he wasn't messaging back as quickly if he was busy and if I was bothering him by messaging him and he said not at all he was just busy that is all. Umm...looking back why the hell am I even asking if I was bothering him? He should be so lucky I a spending time messaging him. Here is what I did wrong I chased. Now along the way I also knew that oops I need to pull back and when I did pull back, he came back and sometimes came back even stronger. I look back and say men like scarcity and mystery why was I telling him everything I was doing and writing 10 lines to get 2 lines back from him? Well it has been about a month and a half where he disappeared. He is sorting something out with a long term ex. There are so many moments where I want to message him and say miss you, where have you been but I decided to NOT, why? Because we will go back to this back and forth game - he appears and disappears for me to take him back with open arms. The week after he disappeared I emailed him a casual email (I didn't know he would disappear) and I even regret doing that. When I think about him I think just like he disappeared before, he will appear again and if he does, this time I am prepared :)) Scarcity and NC. If there is contact it will mirror his 2 liners :)

If you really want him to indirectly know you are going to be in the vicinity either post on Facebook "Name of city here I come" or tell a mutual friend who may pass that along to him. I just don't want you to get hurt all over again by reaching out to him.; November 17, 2013 at 5:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Here's some food for thought about how men truly do enjoy the CHASE (fun) and actually like challenges and obstacles when attempting to obtain sex from a woman.

"If you take attraction, and you add an obstacle, you end up with erotic arousal:"

http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/archive/segment/why-you-should-make-sex-more-difficult/524c7254fe3444681e000004

"In long term manogamy, you have to make fake obstacles. I know a couple married for 17 years where the woman gets all dressed up, goes to a bar and sits there for a full hour and flirts with every guy she can. He comes in and pretends not to know her - and his GOAL is to get rid of those other guys and convince her to come home with him"

By doing this, she's reinforcing her sexuality, her "desirability" to men. In turn, this is reinforcing his need to "win" and beat out other men, to come out victorious. This behavior is reinforcing the feminine (submissive) and masculine (leading, intiating) energy needed to balance out the relationship and fulfill each others needs.

Don't be afraid to say no ladies. . .because when you do, this ignites the fire - and thus poses a challenge for men - that they ultimately find thrilling and thouroughly enjoy.

Be the challenge - and dare him to come out victorious ;-); November 17, 2013 at 9:40 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ All,
For the women here who ask (as I have in the past), "How can he just come over, have sex with me and disappear, only to reappear to do all over again?"

I experienced something this weekend that depicted this in another form:

I went to a local charity gambling event with GF. This was her crew; I was happy to leave her to her socializing. I was there to support a kids sports team and have a couple hrs of fun gambling with chips, etc.

I end up at a table with one guy and the dealer. We begin to win and all 3 of us (the dealer too) are just having simple fun.

GF comes over and takes a liking to the guy; and here is the parallel ladies to what Ms. Mirror has been teaching:

I could SEE the more GF was trying to get Guys attention, the less value she had to him. I had no interest in Guy other than we were having fun at that moment, yet he kept talking with me, started to ask me questions about myself, etc.

Guy was also taking the snacks offered by waitresses. He had a plateful at one point when it was just the two of us at the table. With some of our bantering with Dealer he used phrases that included food: something that ended with "chicken dinner," and "spicey meatball," so food (and his eating) became a joke.

Well, GF seized the moment and offered to get him another plate. He thanked her, but told her she didn't need to do that. She INSISTED, so he said, "ok."

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! This was the same as when women make it too easy for men, offering ourselves up "on a plate" to them. With GF insisting on getting Guy a plate of food, he went along. When she delivered the plate, I could see he was a bit uncomfortable at first, but then he accepted it, thanked her, dove in, and enjoyed it.

Just like sex: if we deliver it with no effort on a man's part, he'll accept it, consume it, enjoy it - and often say thank you and come back for more when he is "hungry" again for the plate you gave him before.

But what is the woman left with? An empty plate.

Oh, and Guy left (alone), giving his chips to another shortly after eating the snacks GF had so nicely arranged on the plate for him.

Food for thought.

(hugs); November 17, 2013 at 4:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, Just read the article above...couldn't be timelier... I'm in a long term relationship. Well, we have an "unspoken" standing date on Friday nights. He called me about 4 PM Friday to say that he had a commitment with his child and he appeared regretful (didn't say sorry, but asked for time with me on Sat.) . I couldn't make it Sat. but said, "How about Sun"? He agreed and we set the time. He calls me 2 hours before we were to go out and states that he got a business service call (he's self-employed) and could he come over after he's done? We were supposed to go to the county fair and now I felt reduced to him just getting dinner and sex. (I had cooked a pizza and invited him over after we were to walk around at the fair.) Anyway, I told him I was just going to visit my mother while he worked and I wasn't sure when I'd be home. I think he got the message and didn't ask about coming over and having dinner, although earlier I had texted him a photo of the pizzas I had cooked. Did I do the right thing? I was just a bit miffed after the second time in two days of him changing plans, even if it's legit. It's a bit awkward now - I think we are both a little upset. Should I just let it go as if nothing happened or talk about it with him? We've been together a year.; November 17, 2013 at 5:40 PM
Scorpiolady said...: Hi ladies,

An update on my part here. As it's the all-important examinations period, he and I have both pulled back... and it's been 2 days since he last contacted me (I didn't reply). Although I struggled (initially) with the lack of communication the past 2 days, I know it's for the better.

And I also used these 2 days of NC to think, Yknow I'm not sure if things will work out between us. Because initially the two of us had glaring faults; I struggle with my own insecurity and self-esteem issues, and I don't think he's loved/treated a girl properly before. And at this point, I'm still growing and learning a lot from all this. I can't measure how much he's changed/grown, I can only judge from how well he treats me.

Sometimes I am worried I might give him the wrong impression I don't like him enough, or whatever. And then realising not knowing how we're gonna end up... at times, I do think he finds it "interesting". In his own words, "It seems like we keep attracting each other, so interesting." I found it a rather odd choice of description, "interesting". There's another time he used the word "interesting" but that's a long story. Anyway, I mustn't deny him such a fun time by being too predictable then!

I think girls often try to make guys like them more by doing a lot of things to reassure the men of their affections. However, lately I've come to be intrigued by the idea that ladies should be "inspiring" men instead - that is to say, we need to know how to make them feel manly and powerful, etc, all that jazz as Mirror had listed above. I've reread Sherry Argov's books so many times, and today I came across "Just like you want to feel secure, he wants to feel trusted... It builds him up, and makes him feel like he doesn't want to break that trust." And ultimately, it inspires the men to want to protect us further.

To us, it comes EASILY what makes us feel secure; when our needs are paid attention to, we are taken care of, etc... But how to make a man feel "trusted", or manly, or powerful... I simply have no idea. It's just like how Gemini50's girlfriend who catered to the guy she likes, it wasn't "inspiring" to him.

Any ladies care to shed some light? :-)

Cheers!; November 18, 2013 at 12:32 PM
Anonymous said...: You are so right MOA about men reappearing at some point. It's been a month of reappearances...they're literally coming out of the woodwork. Some after 5, 3, 2 years plus others from several months ago. These are all men I've briefly dated in the past. By brief I mean brief..too funny! Are they lonely, on the rebound? I recently went out on a date with one of the reappearances and it was the same as 5 years ago but this time not only did he talk about his ex-wife (divorced for 7 years) the entire time, he now also talked about his recent ex-girlfriend as well. I've never been one for long lines. lol Obviously on the rebound.

It's been 2 months of NC with my DM. As time goes by and I can see him more clearly I realize that he didn't treat me the way I'd like to be treated and is obviously emotionally broken. Our "relationship" was long distance and our plans to meet in person were hazy at best. He claimed to be extremely shy but, although I'm not certain, I believe the truth may be that he's a selfish individual? Maybe he actually is painfully shy, I don't know but being ignored and taken for granted until he felt like contacting me wasn't fun. All relationships have ups and downs but I feel that when in a relationship, friendship or romantic, one should feel happy inside most of the time? I often felt sad, and unfulfilled when he ignored me for weeks on end. In our last conversation I suggested that he get out from behind the phone/computer and meet someone "in real life" as he spends so much time by himself. I believe he got angry but who knows as he has an extremely difficult time communicating. Several days later he ignored me on instant messenger and other than a text to let me know he was moving, he has not texted or called since. When I suggested "meeting someone in real life" I wasn't trying to be cruel, just realistic as our "relationship" wasn't going anywhere. Perhaps he's passive aggressive - he gets angry, then pouts and ignores. So immature! I've not contacted him since and have no plans to. After a year of this nonsense I'm done. Why did I waste so much time trying to pry this emotionally shut down man out of his shell? He's super successful in his career but not so much in relationships. Middle aged - never married, no children. I don't wish him ill will as I don't believe he has a single clue about having an intimate relationship with a woman, By intimate I don't mean sex, I mean communicating on even a friendship level with a woman. He seems introverted, socially awkward/inept, an engineer type but so sweet and, although not traditionally handsome, I was very attracted to him. I am still but must move onward and free my emotions so that I can be open to the possibility of a real life healthy relationship with a man who has even so much as a loose grasp on communication!

Thanks for all your great advice MOA and thanks too to all the other women on this site. Your site has kept me going through many, many months of self-inflicted torture. Have a wonderful day.

Astrid; November 18, 2013 at 4:01 PM
KK said...: "Don't be afraid to say no ladies" - Something I just said to myself this past weekend. It's ok to say NO (to whatever you may not like or agree to).
I am still 'somewhat' seeing Libra - although some things have come to light that have made me take some steps back, distance myself, be cautious, protect, etc. I was hesitant to write about it here at first, so I held it in for the most part. About a month ago, we had a serious conversation, because I felt he was 'hiding' something, but he was the one to initiate the talk, I guess he sensed my 'pulled back' demeanor. He informed me about his past, he has a 7 year old daughter with his ex-wife, they have been divorced for years now. I still had a feeling though there was more. He then told me his gf of a number of years was pregnant with his kid (she's due in Jan) - she is younger than I am, and it's just really messed up. Not the typical relationship you would expect. They have always been off and on, she has some 'disorders' let's say, and she seems to just come and go as she pleases. She will ignore him for days, weeks, and only calls or wants to be around - when it's convenient for her. She is so young in fact, her mother has had to step in at times and 'control' any outcomes, and the entire relationship. He showed me some text messages between them to prove it was over for good, she was saying she was done, and went into 'attack mode'. Came across very immature.
I was upset because he lied basically and also hid it, until he obviously couldn't anymore. He said he was confused too, he didn't know what was gonna happen. "I'm free and clear" he said. He said he really liked me, he was starting to have feelings for me and was trying to and wants to see me. I felt really overwhelmed by everything and didn't speak to him for a while, he kept trying to call and text, but those went unanswered. He tried sucking up even more, saying he wanted to introduce me to a good friend of his (involve me in his circle), would initiate and try to make plans to see me and do drinks, grab dinner, etc. I didn't feel comfortable yet so I kept refusing, saying no. I didn't see him all the time, on his watch. And for the most part, he was getting lazy and wanting to just stay at home and do the whole 'movie and pizza' deal.
After staying over one night when things settled a bit for me, I actually snapped at him. I wasn't the typical quiet, reserved, keep your mouth shut and be nice girl - I made a whole lotta noise! I found he was a bit rude that next day, had no consideration, barely spoke to me and spent the day playing on his phone while I sat two feet from him. He wasn't his usual self - he would offer coffee at least, breakfast or suggest we go do something and this time, he was just a jerk. He had the whole day off too - no excuse now. I went to make a phone call outside his house and when I came back he looked pretty worried, then I asked him "So, are you taking me home or should I call a cab? I'm pretty bored just sitting here all day, that's not really my thing" - He jumped! We got in the car and drove... in silence. He didn't make a peep. Not until he got really close to my house and then started "Well, thanks for a won..." then I asked him to pull over right where we were, he did, and I opened the door and got out and walked the rest of the way without saying anything else to him or looking back, I could not stand another minute. He was SILENT all day and ignorant and then at the last minute wants to tell me how WONDERFUL the evening was prior. I was just disgusted with him. I got a text from him hours later. He did not apologize for being an ass, only told me not to be so bitchy with him. I can't remember what I said, maybe: "Then don't be a prick".; November 18, 2013 at 11:10 PM
KK said...: We talked about his situation a few times, he said it was nice to talk to someone who understood and who was levelheaded. This girl can't handle a mature conversation with him, so he has it with me. He also told me he needs more than what she gives him, I had to hear him vent about his frustrations that have built up over the years. Now it's even more complicated because of a baby that's coming very soon. I caught him a few times talking about her and calling her his 'gf', I made a face, like, really?! Then he corrected himself, now he calls her his 'baby mama'. There is no relationship he says, and if I ever call him on it, he says to me "She's not my girlfriend". I pulled back after that chat too.

He crawled back days later and was asking to see me - I had plans, real plans. I told him I couldn't, was on my way to a friends and he wrote me back, all awkward saying "Alright then, ummm well have fun, uhh don't be afraid to give me a shout, talk to you later". I didn't give him a 'shout'. He texted me again that same night/early morning, he was working nightshift/graveyard and was checking to see if I made it home ok, I said yes, then said goodnight. We made plans and saw eachother a few days later, and this time, he really opened up and actually told me he loves it when I get a bit snarky with him, like he needs it, he's happy I give it to him straight, I don't f*** around, I don't take shit from him or anybody and I'm not afraid to tell it like it is. I had to giggle to myself and think "Men love bitches, it's so true".
We didn’t speak for another few days after that, one night, while I was sleeping, he texted and called and was trying to get me to go over, to either watch movies again, or just talk on the phone, he said because he was bored. I wrote him back the next day and told him I was sleeping, I was also doing some running around town and he was at work, it was usual banter.

Saw him last week, he was attentive that time. He had calls to make that day so I did overhear some of his conversations, he forewarned me though. He is going for counselling of some kind, he told the person on the phone he was setting the appointment with that he finds he’s drinking more (he’s aware), it got so bad one time, he was drinking at work (he drives all night). He is pretty healthy now, he is a bodybuilder, very active, loves the gym. But a few years ago he was addicted to pills, he has been clean for a year and is doing really well, I can tell. I’m no therapist or psychologist, but I have a feeling that the on and off gf could be a trigger. She is bi-polar, so he admitted sometimes she drives him crazy, and not in a good way. It isn’t a healthy relationship no matter how you slice it. He knows that, but I feel like he’s in denial too and he still holds onto hope for her that she’ll get better after her own counselling and treatment so they can be together. The counselling may help with that. I think whatever I told him, the therapist will say the same. He claims he has anger issues too, but I’ve never seen him in a ‘rage’ or anything, and he has never scared me. So again, I think it’s only with her. He made his appointment for tomorrow, I have not talked to him since Thursday/Friday. But I hope anyway that he keeps it and is still going and finds it helpful.

Again though, when it comes to saying NO and not having that empty plate and giving everything to a man, without effort from him – Super important. I have done this now with Libra, maybe 3 times. Only seen him when I wanted to, when I actually could, I didn’t rearrange my schedule, I didn’t stay up late if I really did need my sleep, I didn’t accommodate him. He is always asking – so sometimes I say yes, and sometimes I say no, and that is totally ok. They actually like it, they don’t even know! They like to ‘earn’ things, not get something for free (no effort).; November 18, 2013 at 11:45 PM
KK said...: He asked me prior to the weekend if I wanted to go halves on a pizza, have some drinks and watch movies. He was working late/early morning and then had to work the following day (afternoon). That didn’t sound acceptable to me, and it was last minute. I had things to do in the morning, and I wasn’t giving that up for anybody, and then I had other plans for that same evening. Fully booked! The only time I really had was Sunday. And I told him exactly this: “No thank you. I have a lot to do tomorrow, have to be up early. I’ll be busy all day. And I’m actually kind of tired of the same old anyway” – To the point, clear. And guess what I hear next? – Nothing! Crickets. Message received. He tries again the next day... I told him already of my plans and already said no. I’m not changing my mind. I told him I was free Sunday. He still said nothing. Whether he was busy himself or not, he didn’t say if Sunday was good for him or not either. So I went on with the weekend. It’s been 3 days now since we have talked – that is pretty normal, I’m not panicking, we’re just busy doing our own things. But when he does decide to talk or try to see me again, I think he’ll know not to be lazy, cheap, or last minute. If he doesn’t ‘get it’ – repeat those refusals until he does.; November 18, 2013 at 11:47 PM
JD said...: Ok, please help me with this. I don't know why I'm struggling with it!

NO MATTER what happened between you and a man that lead to NC or a break up. If he REALLY wanted you, then HE WILL PURSUE? But this will take swallowing his pride and humility on his part?

I agree with the plate analogy. I don't think any one of us wants an empty plate. So why am I beginning to struggle in my mind about my NC? I've been in it for a little over 2 months.; November 19, 2013 at 12:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"But this will take swallowing his pride and humility on his part?"

Yes, it will dear. And that's what can signal to you that he's emotionally mature enough for a real relationship - because he's willing to do the work required to make it work. And if that involves him having to admit he was wrong or apologize, then that's what good men - gentlemen - emotionally mature men, do.

Immature men that aren't ready for a relationship and that let their ego get in the way - generally are not emotionally ready for a real relationship. Which is why they act stubborn and bratty, like things should ALWAYS go THEIR way.

"So why am I beginning to struggle in my mind about my NC?"

Probably because you're not getting the results you had probably expected or hoped to get dear. And sometimes that happens. And when it does, you accept it as the reality (that the man isn't ready, doesn't want it bad enough and/or is too immature to do the right thing) - and you move on dear.; November 19, 2013 at 2:42 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ JD,
Why? Because it hurts dear. :-( And we all have our own reasons why it hurts: what we lost (or think we lost), what we miss, letting go of a future we may have been hoping for, and, what might have been the hardest for me, realizing what I thought we shared, wasn't what I thought at all (and so many more reasons particular to each person).

Sweety, remember, NC is for you, not him. 30-days is a good breather, but sometimes it's not long enough to really get ourselves back together. For some, it is. For others, it could take months.

Growth is often not easy dear, and although we hate the hurt we go thru when we are treated poorly by others, the experience often offers us a lesson. In the instances shared on Ms. Mirror's site by so many women, it is easy to see one of our lessons is to take care of ourselves first and become better at identifying and filtering the bad guys from the good guys. And bad vs good simply means guys that treat us well vs guys who do not.

A good guy does not go thru the motions to get what he wants and leaves a woman to deal with the aftermath. A good guy does not break a woman down to make her feel "less than" so he can feel "more than." A good guy does not manipulate a woman just go get her into a bed to have HIS needs met (we all know those guys, don't we gals? All him, him, him). A good guy does not take money, her car, etc., from a woman.

A good guy holds a door for a woman. A good guy wants to know what a woman thinks. A good guy treats a woman like she's special TO HIM. A good guy appreciates a good woman. A good guy doesn't want to risk losing a good woman to another man. And there's more!

When I was married, my x had a fling with another woman. It was then I decided that I would never have anything to do with a married man BECAUSE I WOULD NOT DO THAT TO ANOTHER WOMAN, and then I thought, "What if all women joined together and eliminated the ability for a man cheat on his wife (with a woman) by refusing to participate. ALL OF US!" I know, it's silly, but it was a thought (and I was very young.)

And the same thought applies here. If ALL WOMEN got together, supported each other, got smart and said, HELL NO, we are not going to allow these players and egomaniacs and losers to use US one bit. And these same smart women only rewarded good guys with our attention, care, and love, what do you think we'd see from men?

I know, it's a silly thought as well, but, YOU CAN CREATE THIS SCENARIO IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLD. If you learn to identify and weed out the bad guys, your experiences will pertain only to good guys.

Yes, you might have to go thru times of NO GUYS, and that's when you do things that make you happy and you continue to learn and grow in this wonderful experience we are all having called living. ;-)

We come right back to, "taking care of ourselves is our job." If we do the work, we'll reap the rewards.

(hugs); November 19, 2013 at 6:51 PM
JD said...: Thank you so much MOA.

So when he told me, "Sorry you feel that way about me....I don't play with people's feelings." When I told him I never imagined for him to be a hit and quit it dude, was that line to transfer the guilt on me?

Because I'm thinking, ok, I can see if you won't respod to me if I was being pushy, needy only after a couple of times of meeting a man. But this is someone I knew! I would not expect a response and dwell on it if I only went out with him twice or something.

Example, a guy I knew back then before had called me and we talked in person previously as it was ery nice to see him again. We talked about certain walking/jogging trails and he suggested we should check one out and maybe go to lunch or dinner. He called once and I knew during the call that we just were not going to be compatible after all. Never heard from him again. Am I bothered by it? Nope.

There was one guy I hooked up with LONG time ago. But he made his intentions clear from the beginning. I had known this guy prior to being intimate with him. But because of the distance he felt we wouldn't be able to progress...that we each had our own lives. I didn't push him on the issue. Well we did the "do" and afterward we had a brief discussion and that was pretty much out closure. But he does reach out every several months or so. Again, I do not have feelings for this guy. Am I bothered he doesn't reach out often, even after being intimate with him? Not at all.

But this DM, I am just dwelling on so much. Over the past year I developed an emotional attachment. And I HATE it. Now if he was up front like the other guy, then I probably wouldn't be going through this internal drama.

In your experience MOA, what signals that a man is looking for marriage? He may not say it, but deep inside he does want it? And I do accept, if he does, it may not be with me...and that is totally ok.

This DM is almost 10 yrs older. Been divorced almost 10 yrs, too.

In all this...I am deeply hurt by him not responding when I did ask. It's like what happened when you told me,"don't stop telling me how you feel, you're in control you call the shots." REALLY.

Do you also believe in the saying What's meant to be will be? What does that really mean? That DOES involve some work. Doesn't it.

A friend said to me, that he did not play me because he never told me he wanted a commitment. Another friend said he doesn't view it as having played me because he didn't say he wanted anything serious, this in his mind that's being honest and that's why he still views himself as the good, nice guy. This NC is not easy, but I'm on my way to month 3. :-/; November 19, 2013 at 8:54 PM
JD said...: 'Yes, it will dear. And that's what can signal to you that he's emotionally mature enough for a real relationship - because he's willing to do the work required to make it work. And if that involves him having to admit he was wrong or apologize, then that's what good men - gentlemen - emotionally mature men, do. "

So why does he not feel he is wrong? This week it started to make me feel something was wrong with what I said! But if he got offended at what I said, then he should've never had me waiting that long to say something. No one should have to wait that long if it was more than just someone you JUST met, went out with a few times.

Gosh, I have a daughter myself and I hope I will "school" her well on this.; November 19, 2013 at 8:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"Sorry you feel that way about me....I don't play with people's feelings."

As hard as it may be dear, you're going to have to cease dwelling on that comment. The fact that you give it so much of your focus and energy is keeping you "stuck" on it, stuck there, like a record on repeat, which is not healthy for you.

Because the reality is, regardless of how much you analyze that comment from him, you're never really going to get the answer - only speculation about what he MAY have meant, ya' know? So trying to figure it out is pointless because there's no way to do that, short of crawling into this man's head at that very moment, which isn't possible. It's similar to asking the question, "Why are we all here on earth?" No one really knows - and there may not be some great mysterious reason for it at all - other than evolution.

Your experience with him, from your perspective, was that you felt played. His experience with you, from his perspective, is that he tried - and it didn't work. He may not have set out with the intention to play you. But in the end, that was your experience with him - from your perspective. And that could have something to do with the fact that you may have felt you were in a relationship with him, or working towards one, that was a "guarantee" of sorts. In the end, when that didn't happen, you were disappointed and let down by him, which caused you to feel a bit foolish. It happens dear. And as you can see, it happens to a lot of women, and probably men, too.

When you have "expectations" from someone, and they don't deliver, there's always the feeling of being let down and being fooled. Which is why it's best to not place those expectations upon someone and instead, just let things happen organically and then accept the ultimate outcome as best we can. A lot of people, men and women both, date someone with the expectation or hope that it's going to lead to something committed - only to find that it didn't. Life lets us down and that's why it's very important that we develop our own personal coping skills to handle the disappointments and suffering that life will throw at each and every one of us eventually.

You can't control what happens to you, but you can control your reaction to it :-)

Cont. . .; November 20, 2013 at 6:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "In your experience MOA, what signals that a man is looking for marriage?"

Well, to be honest dear, I will say this. There are not a ton of men out there these days setting out with the intention to get married. So that's the first thing to realize. But to answer your question, I think the biggest indicator is. . .HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU. He doesn't want other men to have you or steal you away. And to ensure that doesn't happen, he has a desire to make you his and to "take you off the market" so-to-speak. That's a signal on an emotional level.

But on an outward level, I'd say other factors that indicate a man is ready to settle down would be, he no longer needs "nights out with the boys," he'd rather be with you. He's dependable, reliable, consistent in his behavior and treatment of you, he's thoughtful, he's independent (of mom, LOL) and can take care of himself, he's responsible with his finances and the decisions he makes for himself - basically dear, in a nutshell, he's STABLE.

His lifestyle, his inner emotions, his outward treatment of others, all signal that - he's STABLE.

Stability, emotional and otherwise, is necessary if one is to "settle down" with another. Men who are wishy-washy, moody, unreliable, inconsistent, selfish, have a "take it or leave it" attitude and that are "mamas boys" (are dependent in some way) - are UNSTABLE. As a result, they are not ready to settle down, nor are they capable of it, because they haven't developed the skills yet to do it successfully.

"Do you also believe in the saying What's meant to be will be? What does that really mean?"

I do believe in that statement. And what it means to me is - regardless of YOUR input - it will happen if it's meant to. Regardless of what anyone does or doesn't do, it will still somehow happen - beyond our control :-); November 20, 2013 at 6:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"So why does he not feel he is wrong?"

Why are you assuming he's a good man? Why are you assuming he's an emotionally mature man? And why are you EXPECTING him to be either of those things, when his ACTIONS towards you have indicated the opposite experience with him?

They keyword in the phrase I shared dear was "good men - gentlemen - emotionally mature men." So if he fails to do the right thing here or to express any care for you, then one can assume he's not a good man, he's not a gentleman and he's not emotionally mature enough to do the right thing or to realize how you feel.

Have you considered that he may NOT be a good man? And that he may NOT want this? And that he may not be emotionally ready for it?

I know it stinks dear, but the reality is that we cannot control others. We can't make someone care for us, we can't make them love us and we can't make them want to be with us. The only thing we can do, is accept the outcome with dignity - and move on as best we can to find our happiness.

"No one should have to wait that long if it was more than just someone you JUST met, went out with a few times."

I'm getting the impression here dear that you have a lot of expectations from this man. And you're also expecting things from the fact that you'd known each other prior. You're expecting him to have feelings, you're expecting him to care, you're expecting him to reach out, you're expecting him to apologize, you're expecting him to want to be with you, you're expecting him to respond within certain time frames. . .there's just a lot of expectations here on your part dear. And the problem with that is. . .when you life someone up in your mind so high, with such expectations from them, you're almost certain to experience a dramatic "let down" once they topple from that pyramid you placed them upon in your mind.

The reality is - while no one should have to wait that long from someone they know - the simple fact of the matter is - people let us down every single day dear. Every single day. People you love will ALWAYS let you down, even family and friends at times. And that's because none of us are perfect. We're all only human and thus flawed. If we were perfect, we'd be Gods.

And when you EXPECT a PERFECT experience from someone. . .you're almost always setting yourself up for a fall dear :-(; November 20, 2013 at 7:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Going out on a date? Here's what NOT to wear (trends that men seem to dislike):

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/18/clothing-guys-hate_n_4293315.html; November 20, 2013 at 9:41 AM
Anonymous said...: From Aries Woman/Aries Guy

MOA and Ladies,

Woke up this morning to a text from Mr. Trainer Guy. Was sent at 5:30 this morning (thankfully I silence my phone at night). It said "muah"

This arrived on the heels of me blindly turning a corner at the gym yesterday and him training a client right there. Our eyes locked for one second then I confidently looked away (not down, but away and ahead, and I kept walking).

What's the "muah" about? In text message lingo it means a kiss. But there are obviously ways to interpret this based on the situation.

BTW, I plan on doing nothing. Nada. I won't be at the gym for another two weeks, and I am not texting back.

Thanks, in advance, for any offerings of interpretations here.

AW/AG; November 20, 2013 at 10:57 AM
Anonymous said...: p.s. I've been at the gym on and off for the last five days, so yesterday was not the first time he's seen me since his disappearing act.

AW/AG; November 20, 2013 at 11:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
"What's the "muah" about?"

To me, it represents him reminding you that he exists. And in his case, I think it's a reminder that he exists as a sexual option to you, LOL ;-)

Basically, I view that from him as an "invitation" of sorts - for you to invite him back, probably for another tryst of sorts. It appears that his ego won't permit HIM to actually man up and do the inviting here, so he's somewhat "fishing."

Meaning, you can picture the text as a fishing line and the "muah" is the "bait" on the end of it, LOL ;-)

I view that as an open invitation from him - for YOU to pursue and HIM. (Which, as you probably already know, I would not advise "biting" on, unless you're okay with another situation with him as you've had in the past. But if that's not the case, I'd let that one go and not act on it, as you're already intending to do.); November 20, 2013 at 12:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
"p.s. I've been at the gym on and off for the last five days, so yesterday was not the first time he's seen me since his disappearing act."

Yea, LOL. . .and I imagine that's why he's reminding you he's there. He's probably thinking:

"What's up with this chic? She's seen me how many times already and she's NOT chasing me? Women always chase me, so what gives? I better remind her that I'm available."

LOL ;-); November 20, 2013 at 12:49 PM
JD said...: Dear MOA, you stated/:

"Your experience with him, from your perspective, was that you felt played. His experience with you, from his perspective, is that he tried - and it didn't work. He may not have set out with the intention to play you. But in the end, that was your experience with him - from your perspective. And that could have something to do with the fact that you may have felt you were in a relationship with him, or working towards one, that was a "guarantee" of sorts. In the end, when that didn't happen, you were disappointed and let down by him, which caused you to feel a bit foolish. It happens dear. And as you can see, it happens to a lot of women, and probably men, too."

Do you think he played me? I'm looking at it from his perspective and a thought is in my head to apologize. I think my mind is playing tricks on me!

I'm really trying to discern this...like because it's confusing me. I know what's good treatment, but then thinking oh maybe he didn't play me after all it's like secod guessing it all and makes me feel like I did something wrong. :-/ Oh I didn't mean to leave that quoted comment in stating I def knew he was a good guy. Honestly, he seems stable as far as his finances and how he treats other people. Very respectful...but maybe it is just different when it comes to intimacy with women?

Thanks so much MOA, I will try to not dwell on that crap so much.

@Gemini50

"A good guy holds a door for a woman. A good guy wants to know what a woman thinks."

He is very chivalrous..and he always wanted to know what I thought.

All I am just confused. How could it be that men could be percevied as a GOOD MAN by everyone and their Mama, but is capable of disappearing?

And why do I have the urge now to apologize...but for what? >:-| Because I'm starting to see it from they way he perceives it. But it's like, really? I guess we were not on the same page. He did want to sleep with me again after....that's when it got me thinking about things. Like why would I do it again when we're not even together? THEN that's when my emotions started going crazy. Much better now...but still getting there.

So how does this stuff play out in the dating world? You never really know if a man is seeing someone already or how many women he is "talking" to. So you want to be number one. How do you do that? I mean you keep seeing him, hopefully do not sleep with him, but should I expect a man to hae several women? Why should we have to compete?; November 20, 2013 at 3:50 PM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG

As always, thank you for the fantastic insight and speedy response.

One more question: could this "muah" also be interpreted as a goodbye kiss, so to speak? Like, "see ya!"

I just find it odd that I left the gym yesterday at 1:30 p.m. and he sent this at 5:38 this morning.

Maybe not related, but just after midnight last night I posted a comment to my Facebook friend's post. This Fb friend happens to be one of his Fb friends, too (she is an older yoga instructor who works at the gym). If he was looking at Fb this morning, he may have seen her post and therefore my comment underneath it. Not sure if he realized she was a mutual friend until potentially seeing my comment this morning. She had posted some adorable toddler/puppy pics and I made a sweet comment about them.

Anyway, I am probably reading too much into his "muah" at this point, but it occurred to me this morning that he was symbolically blowing me a kiss goodbye.

Thoughts on that angle?

Cheers!

AW/AG; November 20, 2013 at 4:41 PM
Anonymous said...: p.s. Yes, confirmed: I have no plans whatsoever to respond to him.

AW/AG; November 20, 2013 at 5:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"Do you think he played me?"

It really doesn't matter dear. Whether he did or not doesn't matter. All that matters is that it didn't work, for whatever reason, it simply wasn't meant to be. Trying to figure out who did what won't change that.

"I'm looking at it from his perspective and a thought is in my head to apologize."

Apologize for what? Why would you resurface out of nowhere after several months to apologize for something you THINK you MAY have done or not done? It won't change the outcome dear an it'll only open an old wound and you could face flat out rejection. If I were you, I would not willingly walk right into that situation. Particularly if you think it'll change the outcome - because it won't.

Bottom line, if this guy really cared and was genuinely interested, HE would attempt to work it out - and so far, he has not done a thing :-(

"I'm really trying to discern this...like because it's confusing me."

I think that's because you're attempting to analyze every little portion of the relationship, every little thing said, done, not done - all of the "what ifs" . . . instead of focusing on the reality here, which is that this didn't work, he didn't treat you well and he hasn't lifted a finger to repair this. That's what matters dear. Not what was said or done, or not said or done, three months ago, ya' know? By over analyzing and dwelling on all of these "what ifs," you're creating confusion for yourself. Cease thinking along the lines of "what if" and instead, live in the reality of "what is." If you do that dear, the confusion will disappear and you will be able to put this behind you.

I think you need to listen to this dear, I think it'll do you a lot of good: http://youtu.be/Pketb6gxR3w

Copy that link right there and paste it in your browser - and really sit and listen to what he's saying there. Let it sink in.

"I know what's good treatment, but then thinking oh maybe he didn't play me after all"

What difference does it make if he played you or not dear? If he didn't treat you well, that's all that matters. Are you going to be with a man that doesn't treat you well, simply because he didn't play you? In the end, he's still not treating you well.

"You never really know if a man is seeing someone already or how many women he is "talking" to. So you want to be number one. How do you do that?"

That's not something that you can force into being dear. There's no magic pill or easy fix that makes you number one a man's list. You simply have to find someone compatible for you, someone that's a match. When that happens, you'll be number one :-)

Cont. . .; November 20, 2013 at 5:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I mean you keep seeing him, hopefully do not sleep with him, but should I expect a man to hae several women?"

Until the point that HE asks YOU for a commitment, until he signals that he wants a relationship with you, then yes, you should assume he's casually dating others as well. Because the reality is that he's single and free to do so (and so are you). Never assume you're in a committed relationship with a man - NEVER. Unless he's asked you for that commitment and proved that he's ready for it and he desires it.

"Why should we have to compete?"

Because that's life dear. We have to compete in life. We compete for space, we compete for jobs, we compete for attention, we compete for just about everything on this planet dear. Large corporations compete for customers and men and women compete for spouses and mates - and have done so since the dawn of time. And just how you have to compete with other available women for a man, a man has to compete with other available men for a woman. It's life dear, and it'll never change. Nothing comes for free, everything is earned. That's just the way it is dear. But when you find your match, when you find the man that's meant for you - you won't have to do that anymore - because he won't WANT to see other women. He'll only have eyes for you :-); November 20, 2013 at 5:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
"could this "muah" also be interpreted as a goodbye kiss, so to speak? Like, "see ya!"

I doubt it dear. Generally, when men are "out" - you get no warning. You don't get a kiss goodbye and 95% of them never say "see ya."

They just disappear - as you can see from the comments on this site, LOL ;-)

I think if they did actually kiss you and then wave goodbye or say "see ya" and make it 100% clear where you stand with them - women would actually be much more relaxed about dating, LOL.; November 20, 2013 at 5:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
A good piece gals, well worth the read and written by a man:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-michael-sama/dating-a-real-man_b_4310638.html

10 Ways to Know You're Dating a Real Man

4) A real man will give you answers.
No matter how awkward or uncomfortable a situation is, a real man will approach it, and you, with respect.

5) A real man is direct.
In addition to the last point -- there will be no mind games or manipulation in your relationship. A man will be direct, to the point, and honest with you... but with kindness.

8) A real man will show you respect.
Nothing signifies an empty shell of a man more than someone who disrespects women, animals, or children. A real man will treat you with the respect that you deserve, never force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with, and never mistreat you. Be honest enough with yourself to walk away from any situation that is dangerous to you, physically or emotionally.

9) A real man will put effort into your relationship.
Boys are generally apathetic and just look for one thing from a woman. A man, will do what it takes to make you happy, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Your happiness, is his reward.; November 20, 2013 at 6:19 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

I agree with you regarding your last response. Makes sense. Easier to disappear and stay gone than to give an official "see ya".

However…
There is a song called "Walk of Shame" by Slaughterhouse. It's a rap song. (Mr. Trainer Guy listens to a lot of Rap music.) It's about a guy who just had a one night stand with a woman and is telling her to leave the next morning. One of the lines from the song as he is telling her to walk through the lobby and go is, "Goodbye. MUAH."

I'd like to think something about yesterday rattled Mr. TG enough to throw his line out and go fishing, and the "muah" is what's on his hook. It's gratifying to have the tables turned and now have me be the one to disappear.

However, something tells me that his text was in the vein of the above rap song. I suppose there is no way to really know. I just have a feeling...

AW/AG; November 20, 2013 at 11:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
BOOM! Some guys think they're smarter than your average woman and some guys think it's funny to toy with a woman's emotions. However, this guy, Roman Attwood, notorious prankster - learned the hard way:

http://youtu.be/R7AXBOT8KzU

Anniversary prank backfires when girlfriend admits to cheating. . .but there's an interesting twist at the end, LOL ;-); November 21, 2013 at 10:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

as usual, there are so many interesting posts to read and learn from. (-:

@Gemini 50
I like your idea that women should stick together instead of competing with one another in order to win and "get" a man.

My update: I won´t go into detail but I have found out that the man who I have corresponded with twice - first time he disappeared, recently it was me who stopped emailing him - is a complete liar. In fact, I have already had several email exchanges with him, not just these two, but he wrote under different names. Somehow I have discovered that it was him and I must say that after all these email exchanges I know basically next to nothing about him because he is a liar. He has lied about his age, occupation, status, everything. This is another reason why in many cases we women shouldn´t worry so much about a man´s disappearance and rather be happy about it. Back then I wondered why he had disappeared and now, over a year later, I am really happy that he did. Because if we had met, who knows how the situation would have turned out and I might have ended up much unhappier.

Another piece of news: Recently a man has called me who I had only one date with a few months ago. The date was about nothing but surprisingly, soon after it he phoned me and wanted a second date. I told him that I didn´t think we were a match and thought he would never contact me again. And now he is back. Coincidentally, I have just heard a male dating expert talking about reappearing men on the radio. He said that when a man reappears, especially after a considerably long time, such as several months or years, women shouldn´t take it personally. He claimed men do this just because they feel lonely or bored, so they go through a list of their exgirlfriends and choose one or two to contact. In the case I mentioned above it will be true because I openly refused him so he must have known he doesn´t have a chance. Obviously, men have as few options as women here in my town.

I wish you all a nice end of the week and good luck in everything.
HopefulWithMen; November 21, 2013 at 5:07 PM
Reyna said...: a guy did this to me he started pulling back i think to see how i would act.i pulled back he went out of town for a week to work came back was worried because i didnt write him. i started to not respond right away even waiting a day to call back... then a week later he was out of the coutry for three weeks...he asked me to write while he was away i didnt...i wrote one email near the end he wrote back the next day..i texted back .i had to get checked out for stuff from the docs and he texted a few days later the night i went to docs everything was fine..texted the next day and called i was in the area having lunch with my friend that lives a few streets over...nothing...odd? i texted two days later about getting together...still nothing..thats when i figured somethings up....its officially been a week since we spoke wtf? hes use to girls jumping thats for sure he has money so girls use him i actually liked him that alone scared him lol and i had jumped like that too but 6 months later started to do those things to say not jumping treat me better lol...i have something of his its worth about 400 he has money probably doesnt need it do i drop it off anyways? whats his problem... i know he has non commital issues but this is bizarreee... everyone says he will pop up again.. any thoughts?... do i give his stuff back or keep ignoring him? we were hanging out like 6 months we just got back from a trip where he took me to argentina its just crazy; November 21, 2013 at 11:55 PM
chk61 said...: Ugh. I took my profile down from the online dating site for a few weeks just to take a break. It got a bit depressing. So earlier this week, I reactivated my profile and the layout was different, there were now all these large photos of matches in a gallery that you had to scroll through. I have a new laptop and am still figuring it out. Anywho, I am scrolling down and lo and behold, I see disappearing man's (D.M.) profile and I use my fingers to make the screen bigger (because I have OCD when it comes to disappearing men - ha ha). So I look at his photo (only in the gallery, I did not "enter" his profile) and in trying to again make the laptop screen smaller with my fingers I DID accidentally enter his profile. Ugh. So if he has "visitors on" he will see that I visited (and yes, it was purely accidental!!!) This is after another 30+ days of No Contact since he last emailed me. *sigh*

I was mortified for about a minute or two, and then I just let it go. What can I do? Nothing. I did not contact him, I merely (accidentally) looked at his profile. He may not even see that this happened so it's silly for me to worry about it. This online dating thing…don't get me started. I have several friends who have met their serious partners this way but much of the time, I find it sad and depressing. Yes, I realize I won't meet anyone this way with this mindset.

So it's now been 4 months since I last saw D.M. and almost 40 days since any contact from him. I'm still not over it/him….even though he disappeared on me. We met almost a year ago. This is my pattern, it takes me forever to squash those yucky feelings. Every day that he doesn't contact me should cement the idea in my head that this is over with a capital "O" and I am still working on accepting that.

So right after this incident, I again deactivated my profile. And now, almost a week later, I reactivated it. My feeling today is: Who cares? So what if he sees I'm back online? So is he. He is on at least two dating sites. I work at home and I don't meet that many people, I'm over 50 for crying out loud. Online dating s*cks but I have few options. In the grand scheme of things, none of this really matters. La-dee-da....; November 23, 2013 at 9:40 AM
Anonymous said...: @HopefulWithMen

So the dating expert said men come back because they are bored and lonely interesting. I mean if the guy knows he has no chance why did he call you again? So did you accept the date the second time around?

Yes both men and women have options.; November 23, 2013 at 9:54 AM
Anonymous said...: @AW/AG

The "muah" is 100% fishing. No man takes the time to say good bye especially that early in the morning. Guys like to avoid drama so if they are gone or want to be gone they won't contact you or create an opportunity for the communication channels between you to reopen :) I have 2 brothers I know how they think.

Enjoy the position you are in. If I had read this blog before I would have played my cards so differently.; November 23, 2013 at 9:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61
While it's obviously not ideal if he sees you viewed his profile (because he may circle around again and you won't know if it's genuine interest or simply him being an opportunist, taking advantage of the fact that you peeked accidentally, LOL), the bottom line is - he really doesn't matter at this point.

The only thing that matters is that you're focused on YOU, on your happiness, and moving forward and doing your best to accomplish that. So don't beat yourself up over it :-); November 23, 2013 at 11:19 AM
Anonymous said...: @AW/AG I totally agree with anonymous 23 November 9:56. If a man is writing "muah" at 5:30 in the morning he's totally thinking about you. No doubt! Good luck.

I had a recent boytoy wanna' be who'd been after me for months. I'm 49, he's 27. He'd wanted to be my boytoy forever but I always kept him at bay and in the friend zone. Anyway, I finally agreed to his boytoy offerings (why not right, I'm not getting any younger!?) and he disappeared. I guess that means no boytoy action... Too funny! I'm not ruminating over it though as I wasn't emotionally invested and actually found the disappearance extremely amusing.

Feeling so much happier these days. 2+ months of no contact with my DM. Your site is very empowering Mirror. Thanks so much.

Astrid; November 23, 2013 at 11:34 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror. I felt soooo good about not contacting him, not rewarding that last lame attempt he made to get together with me, and having such a long period of No Contact and finally feeling like I was moving past him, emotionally, for good. I still had minor temptations to contact him but I was successful at talking myself out of it.

Yes, ideally I wish that accidental profile look had not happened. What can you do? Move forward...I have no choice.; November 23, 2013 at 2:34 PM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG

Thanks Astrid and Anonymous (both on 11/23) for the follow-up comments! I've been on the fence about what that "muah" was all about since he sent it. Because I dissed him, so to speak, with the disengaged eye contact and confident I'm-moving-on walk ahead, I keep thinking the text was his way of dissing me back. (Plus I didn't think guys used "muah" much----more of a female thing to text; and there's that song I mentioned...)

However, I am now understanding that your points are REALLY valid, like MOA said initially: no text is the thing that equals "See Ya!", because why open the lines of communication again? And yes--at 5:30 in the morning???

Given Mr. Trainer Guy's now-solidified history of cat and mouse games, plus knowing what I know now from the gift of this site and all of the amazing posts, I am going to play my cards differently (like you said, Anonymous with the brothers), use the law of scarcity, and disappear myself. I left town the morning that text came in (four days ago) and won't be back at the gym for another 11 days. Not sending him a text back.

@Astrid. Funny---all we really want is a boy toy and no games. What's so difficult about these younger guys sticking around and being available for no-strings physical pleasure?? :-)

Thanks, again, to both of you for the comments. They really helped with my on-the-fence perspective.

AW/AG; November 23, 2013 at 6:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Ladies & Mirror,

I just broke up with my BF a few weeks ago (just not feeling that after a year we were moving forward- we are both in our late 40’s) and we got back together b/c he said it was financial – he wanted things to be in order before he proposed; I accepted that, but also told him a year max was my waiting period.

Well, last night I asked him, “If you could have one wish for us, what would it be?” And he said “That we would be younger”. And I asked him why… and he joked at first and said b/c he wanted us to have babies together. Then he said, “In all seriousness, I just feel set in my ways and I’m not sure I am supposed to live with another person… I’ve been on my own so long, I don’t know… I don’t want to mess up again.” (He’s a widow once, once divorced, as well.)

I tried to reassure him that there is “no one perfect, just one perfect for you” and all the things we had in common. He said, ‘I agree. What I see so far looks good. Our values do line up”. I explained that I feel a “biological clock” ticking in the sense of getting older and I didn’t want to be strung along. He said he understood that and that wasn’t his intentions.

I also mentioned that on the dating site he said that he was looking to get married and we talked a lot about it in the beginning of our relationship. He said, “No, I believe that I said I was looking for a long-term commitment”. I replied, “Ok, but we did talk about marriage and that is what we both wanted – correct?” Then, he relented and agreed that we did have that conversation.

Anyway, I just read MOA”s response to another reader: "In your experience MOA, what signals that a man is looking for marriage?"

MOA: “….Well, to be honest dear, I will say this. There are not a ton of men out there these days setting out with the intention to get married. So that's the first thing to realize. But to answer your question, I think the biggest indicator is. . .HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU. He doesn't want other men to have you or steal you away. And to ensure that doesn't happen, he has a desire to make you his and to "take you off the market" so-to-speak. That's a signal on an emotional level”.

I am sooo sad. I didn’t hear my guy say that he could live without me in our conversation or that he felt an urgency b/c another might steal me away. I have cried all day and night, as I feel I must break up with him again; he didn’t tell me what I needed to really hear: I want to marry you, but just give me some time to get things in order.

I don’t want to waste my time, as I’m already a year into this. I wanted him to reassure me that marriage was in our future and I don’t feel that I heard that. Shouldn’t a man at our age know if this “feels right” by now? Am I being overly emotional about this? I need advice please!; November 23, 2013 at 10:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous November 23, 10:27PM,
"Shouldn’t a man at our age know if this “feels right” by now?"

I don't think age has much to do with it dear. I think a year with an individual at any age is enough to know if you want a commitment with someone or not. BUT.....you already have that with him. It appears that he's committed to you. So all he's really saying is that he's unsure about a third marriage for himself at this time.

So let's do this. Let's step away, for just a second, from your marital desire and let's look at this from his perspective for a moment. He's twice married and in his late 40's and facing a possible 3rd marriage. If that were you, wouldn't you be a bit apprehensive as well? Fear of being a possible 3 time loser so-to-speak? Fear of legalities from a 3rd divorce? Fear of having had 3 wives prior to being 50? It's really hard to rebuild after a divorce and he's rebuilt twice already dear. The thought of having to do that again possibly in his 50's if this doesn't work, is probably frightening. And I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure that dating for a year is enough to know if you want to marry that individual or not. It's definitely enough to know if you want a commitment with that individual, but marriage, I'm not so sure. I think when you're younger and you have your whole life ahead of you, yea, a year can make sense. But when you're older and heading towards 50, it may seem logical to need more time. Because at that age, you fully realize the repercussions of making a bad decision for yourself. And you fully realize that you do not have all of the years ahead of you that a 20 something does to rebuild, should it not work out.

So now that we've explored his side, let's explore yours. Where did this 12 month deadline for marriage come from? And why do you feel such "biological" pressure about it? And why is it important that you project that pressure that YOU feel and have willfully placed upon yourself - onto HIM - in order to force HIM meet YOUR self-imposed deadline? Why is important for you to convince him that this is right instead of giving him the time and space he needs to feel that way himself, and reach that decision himself? (Which would then make it a much more authentic, genuine decision from him.)

Because the reality there dear is that YOU are feeling all of this pressure about marriage from somewhere and it's causing you heightened anxiety (a negative emotion). And now you are projecting that self-imposed pressure and heightened anxiety (negativity) onto him and into the relationship. And I must warn you, pressuring and making demands with men usually doesn't end well dear. Instead of drawing him closer, he may begin to pull away from you. Because no one enjoys living in a pressure cooker and having what feels like demands placed upon them, ya' know?

I often suggest that women not wait a year for a commitment from a man. But again, it appears that you already HAVE that from him a year into it. So that's a normal pace and the signal of a relationship that's moving forward in a positive manner. But I almost feel like you're trying to squeeze getting to know one another, dating one another, moving towards a committed relationship with one another - AND marriage - all into a 12 month time frame. And to be honest, that's a lot dear. That's almost like a relationship on hyper speed, ya' know? And you're attempting to zoom this along with a man that's been there, done that - twice. A man that's going to require a bit more time before diving into a 3rd marriage. A man that may not have even worked out the pain and loss suffered from his previous two marriages yet on his own.

Cont. . .; November 24, 2013 at 9:07 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Because let me tell you dear. I've seen it time and time again, where folks get divorced, and instead of getting their lives back in balance to the point where they can stand on their own two feet independently, without another - within 24 months or so after a divorce - BAM, they're married again. And honestly, that looks questionable. It looks as if they're "running" from their troubles instead of working them out. It looks as if they're an "escapist" on the run, seeking another distraction from the pain they've just suffered, and it looks as if fear is steering the wheel in their lives. They look fearful of being alone when they jump from one relationship to another, one marriage to another, without giving themselves the proper amount of time in between these traumatic events to heal properly. So what happens next? In about 7 years, they're right back where they started. Going through a divorce and hurriedly seeking out the next potential spouse. Their just running through life and jumping like a monkey from tree to tree, person to person, relationship to relationship, without ever stopping to just be alone and get "right" with themselves. It's almost like they're using other individuals as a "bandaid" of sorts for the pain they've just experienced. And you don't want that to be you dear. You don't want to be the "rebound" girl, wife or not. Because marriage these days is no guarantee of lifelong happiness or togetherness. You can get married and divorced in under two years.

I just heard word of an acquaintance doing this. He had a girlfriend. They broke up because he wasn't ready. He started dating online and then a few months later, got back together with his girlfriend. She put the screws to him about marriage the second time around and he obliged. That was about 18 months ago. And I just heard two weeks ago, they're already separated and divorcing. Not even married two years and it's over already. Why? I imagine it's because he truly wasn't ready and because he was attempting to make her happy by meeting her request, instead of thinking about what he needed to make him happy and to make him feel that decision was a good one for himself.

You always want the desire for marriage to stem equally from BOTH individuals in the relationship dear - not just one. It takes two to tango.

I know I jumped around a bit here, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying. I'm trying to convey to you that you already have this man - he's committed to you. My suggestion would be to simply ENJOY that state of being for a while, instead of tainting it with the pressure and anxiety of meeting a self-imposed deadline. My second suggestion would be for you to explore why you've set this 12 month deadline for marriage, to get to the root of where that stems from. It's obviously a fear, but where does that fear stem from? Because I'll be honest dear, we're not in our 20's anymore (I'm in my early 40's). And because of that, we're wise enough to know that bad decisions come with huge consequences. And in our 40's, we also know that it's not as easy to rebound from those bad decisions as it was when we were 22 and we just said, "Oh well, that didn't work. It was fun, but I have my whole life ahead of me."

Cont. . .; November 24, 2013 at 9:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: In our 40's, we have homes, mortgages, children, responsibilities, obligations to others, established careers. . .we have things to face and deal with that we didn't have when we were 22. When we were 22, we could easily walk away because we had very little to lose. At the very most, at 22, we had cars, were just graduating college and/or entering the workforce and beginning our careers and were probably renting somewhere. Not much to lose there that can't easily be replaced with plenty of time left to replace it. But in your 40's, you've got a lot more to lose. You can lose your life savings, you can lose your retirement, you can lose half of your monthly income, you can lose family members, friends and children, you can lose your home, you can lose your vehicles, you can lose your lifestyle, you can lose your security - and you can lose your will to carry on, which can result in you also losing your career if you can't get out of bed and go to work anymore. As a result, those types of decisions are, and should be, taken much more seriously later in life.

In our 20's, we can afford to be foolish. In our 40's, most of us simply cannot afford that.

I think if you two can meet somewhere in the middle, you'll be fine. But that requires you to release yourself from the self-imposed 12 month marital deadline you've set for yourself, and it will require him to realize that while you're releasing you both from that, he still has to look at this seriously and realize that someday, marriage is what you want and feel will make you happy. And he must be willing to make a final decision at some point. In otherwords, you can release your self-imposed marital deadline, but he cannot expect you to stick around forever if you do. He still needs to realize and accept that marriage is your ultimate goal here and as a result, someday he will need to reach a decision about how he feels about a 3rd marriage.

And in the meantime dear, ENJOY each other. Enjoy the commitment you have. Enjoy the man you have. Enjoy the fact that you even have someone period. Read the stories here and look at all of the women that would LOVE to have what you have right now - a committed relationship - and be thankful for the fact that you have that. Instead of being unhappy about the fact that you don't have what you want in your future right now - live in the here and now, enjoy it, and leave the worries about the future where they belong - in the future.

Release yourself from the pressure and anxiety that your self-imposed deadline is causing you and learn to ENJOY what you have in the here and now dear. If you can do that - you will see that the future looks bright :-); November 24, 2013 at 9:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous November 23, 10:27PM,
I have one more story to share with you dear. And I think this one, will make you smile :-) I just remembered it, and it relates to your situation completely. As a matter of fact, I have two. Here goes.

First story. Two individuals, each in their 60's, met and began dating. The woman wanted marriage ultimately. The man, not so much. As a matter of fact, the first few years of them knowing one another involved casually dating, and he dated another during the time that the woman knew of and was okay with because she too was also casually dating.

Okay, fast forward. He dumps the other woman, realizing that his feelings for this woman were increasing. She too devotes herself to him. It's long distance, so she comes in and stays for extended periods of time and he too does the same. Fast forward again, and now, she wants marriage on top of the commitment he's made to her. He's not so sure, so this becomes a serious point of contention between them both. He relents, gives her a ring, and they start thinking marriage. When the time comes, he starts to waffle. She's heart broken and hurt. They break up. Many months later, they realize they still have feelings for one another and they get back together. Only this time, the woman decides to drop the marriage pressure and decides to simply be happy with what she has - a man that's committed to her and treats her right.

Do you know where they are today dear?

She sold her place, moved in with him - and they're as happy as can be - unmarried, but as committed as ever to one another. She no longer feels this pressure of having to marry and instead, she's simply happy with what they have - which is each other, a commitment and finally being together. He loves her more than he's probably ever loved any other woman and even though he doesn't like the idea of marriage, he's as committed as ever to her and basically, they live as husband and wife, without the piece of paper and legalities.

Second story. Again, two individuals in their 60's. They meet in their early 60's and begin dating. Again, long distance. After a couple of years, they are now living together, transitioning between her summer home and his permanent home. For approximately 9-10 years, that was their situation and both were completely satisfied and happy with it. Again, these two basically lived as husband and wife with the piece of paper and legalities. I've never seen this woman so happy in all her life and to see them together was a joy. He truly admired her, praised her and complimented her openly on a regular basis, letting the world know how wonderful he thought she was. Now, I'm sad to say, he just passed away a few months ago. But I'm happy to say, that this man completed this woman and to this day, she misses him dearly and what they had. And what they had was not a marriage dear. What they had was love and commitment.

Cont. . .; November 24, 2013 at 9:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: In the end, in each of these stories dear, the need to do what society predicted we must all do, which is get married in order to make a relationship legitimate - is NOT what made these two couples happy.

What made these two couples happy - was their love and commitment for one another. In the end, that's all that mattered. The marriage is simply a formality at that point. And it's one that you can actually live without if you have the love and commitment to one another firmly in place.

I'm not telling you that you should give up your desire of marriage. All I'm saying is that if you learn to appreciate what you have, right here, right now, you will see that you ALREADY have everything that there is to gain from a marriage - which is love and commitment :-)

The only thing the actual formality of marriage can provide to you in addition to what you already have with this man are material things. Things like insurance coverage, access to combined income, legal privileges, etc.

I know that for those that are religious, this probably sounds horrendous and a bit counter-intuitive. But for those that live without the confines of organized religion in their lives, I imagine they understand that marriage isn't about things - it's ultimately about love and commitment. And in these modern times, and without the restriction of organized religion, it is possible to have love and commitment without marriage - and be happy and fulfilled as a result :-)

You hold fast to your dreams dear. I'm not trying to steal those away from you. I'm simply trying to get you to appreciate what you have in the here and now. And I'm simply showing you that others have done that, and found happiness at the same time :-); November 24, 2013 at 9:42 AM
chk61 said...: So, Sunday morning...after a few weeks of abstinence, I'm back on the online dating site. And there he is, D.M., ONLINE NOW. I know he was overseas recently on a trip he was very excited about and now he's back. And here we are, two people who connected and got along well and had a nice attraction, and we're both on a Sunday morning combing through pages of virtual strangers, trying to find the "perfect" match. He's just 5 miles away from me, and I know he "liked" me but apparently I'm not his "perfect" match. As he confessed to me the last time I saw him in person (um...4 months ago), "yeah, with online dating you always think there is someone better out there".

It's just bizarre to see this person I got to know over a period of several months out there in a sea of male faces, scrolling through his own sea of female faces looking for the perfect face that will make him happy. *sigh* And no worries, this time I won't even go near his photo for fear I will accidentally access his profile.

Online dating is not for the faint of heart. Let me readjust my armor, put a few more bricks in that wall around my heart, take some deep breaths and keep looking. ;-); November 24, 2013 at 11:04 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous November 23, 10:27PM

MOA while I understand your progressive way of thinking I understand where Anonymous is coming from especially that she does have a biological clock. If she was in her early 20s she wouldn't be worried about him taking his time to make up his mind. In her case she wants to have kids and waiting around for him to decide is a waste of her time because that is her goal.

Here is a story: I had a very attractive friend who dated an executive for about 4 years. She was older and wanted kids. She didn't nag or bring up marriage or talk about babies and weddings. Well she was patient and enjoyed the moment, love and commitment. Well after 4 years of wasting her life, he came home to tell her nah I am not into this. Long story short, he ended marrying another girl within 2 months of breaking up with my friend AND throwing her out of the huge beautiful house which she decorated. What did she get out of the relationship? Nothing because she was NOT married to this man. I am not saying to pressure him at all because that can end in disaster but I think telling him exactly how you feel and what your goals are and then walking away is a good thing. No drama or anything but laying out what your expectations are is not wrong. Men can take years to get married if they do that. Most I think need a nudge to get married but more importantly you have to make him feel that void when you are gone - "can't live without you" feeling. If he does, the he will come back and think damn I don't want to lose this woman.

My friend dated a guy for 6 months. He broke up with her over religious issues and basically said won't work because you want marriage etc. Well she was heart broken but got up and said okay I am going to date other guys which she did. She missed him and all but she is a skilled dater and has mastered the NC rule. Well a few months later he crawled back into her life (some events brought them back together). She said listen what do you want because I want to get married. I personally wouldn't have said that because I want the man to want to marry me but anyways they got back together and she helped him buy a huge house. Within a few months of dating and realizing what a great positive she was to his life he proposed so that he would not lose her again.; November 24, 2013 at 5:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Mirror, for your thoughtful reply @ 9:42 AM. I guess I believe it to be a bad sign when in the first 6 months, he constantly hinted and really out right asked about us getting married. As time went on and we had our bumps in the road, as most couples do, and the infatuation wore off, he never mentions it anymore. I know finances have a lot to do with it, as he thought he'd be better off financially, (but investments haven't panned out as he had planned). Still, people marry everyday - like my grandparents in the depression - it didn't stop them from being together. Although, I agree - (about he's gun-shy about making a mistake) I don't know if that's justification for backing down now. I feel there's something wrong.; November 24, 2013 at 9:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued... from 9:42 AM reply: MOA, I forgot to mention that I'm not pressing for marriage tomorrow. I only (in my mind - didn't[t communicate this) wanted to be engaged sometime in early 2014. That would be over a year. Then, I thought taking our time another year, engaged, is reasonable. I guess I feel personally that marriage is the long-term commitment, although I do understand what you are saying, I've been single almost 8 years and I just feel I'm ready for something more than a boyfriend, that's all. I personally like being married when I was - it just didn't work out with my husband, unfortunately.; November 24, 2013 at 9:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Chk61,

I know it's hard!! You maybe doing this already but try and be open to meeting some new and attractive (to you) men, shift your focus from him. Try and create that mindset - openess to possibilities and believe it will happen, - it does work!! Just try it and see, put your negative thoughts to one side, (I mean who is he to say you're not perfect for him?! Stuff him...) and I bet you someone will pop up that you will be interested in and willing to give a try :); November 25, 2013 at 10:09 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks Anonymous 11/25/13, 10:09AM.

Today for some odd reason I am fighting temptation to send him an email. We connected the weekend after Thanksgiving one year ago, and we met in person a week later so maybe it's that anniversary feeling. He's ONLINE NOW as we speak. I won't do it, don't worry, as I know it will not behoove me. I did contact a new guy (yes, I wrote to him...but I won't initiate or suggest a meeting, that will have to come from him). So far he seems interested but I take all online stuff with a grain of salt until I actually meet the guy. A few others who sadly do not interest me, and men who live in far flung states have written. Sorry but I am definitely NOT up for a long distance thing!

Yes, trying to cultivate a new mindset. it's a challenge at my age, it's not like attractive men are throwing themselves at me (like when I was younger). Some men have thrown themselves at me - one recently - but I don't like them "that way". So the search continues...until I tire of it and take my profile down again. ;-)

p.s. he did not tell me I was not perfect for him, but his disappearing act AND his later behavior when we were "dating" AND his current absence for more than 30 days after his lame October email attempt at connection leads me to believe he does not think that I am his "dream girl". ;-); November 25, 2013 at 2:36 PM
Reyna said...: help!!!

a guy did this to me he started pulling back i think to see how i would act.i pulled back he went out of town for a week to work came back was worried because i didnt write him. i started to not respond right away even waiting a day to call back... then a week later he was out of the coutry for three weeks...he asked me to write while he was away i didnt...i wrote one email near the end he wrote back the next day..i texted back .i had to get checked out for stuff from the docs and he texted a few days later the night i went to docs everything was fine..texted the next day and called i was in the area having lunch with my friend that lives a few streets over...nothing...odd? i texted two days later about getting together...still nothing..thats when i figured somethings up....its officially been a week since we spoke wtf? hes use to girls jumping thats for sure he has money so girls use him i actually liked him that alone scared him lol and i had jumped like that too but 6 months later started to do those things to say not jumping treat me better lol...i have something of his its worth about 400 he has money probably doesnt need it do i drop it off anyways? whats his problem... i know he has non commital issues but this is bizarreee... everyone says he will pop up again.. any thoughts?... do i give his stuff back or keep ignoring him? we were hanging out like 6 months we just got back from a trip where he took me to argentina its just crazy hes 37; November 28, 2013 at 1:43 AM
neva-agen said...: Dear MOA i need your advice please?
Things have been going pretty well with DM but the newest problem i have is him asking when im free, then him saying he "may" make it!!
long story short, we had tentative plans for fri, I asked if him we should give fri a miss? as he was non committal and he said "no, hopefully not"!!
I NOW know i should have said ok we`ll leave it for another time!! I`ll remember for next time!!! :/
Im so bloody annoyed that he seems to think my times not important and that`ll i`ll wait around for him!! arggh!!
so anyway i don’t to put myself out or wait until last thing to know if we meeting or not, so how do I cancel it with out sounding pissy?; November 28, 2013 at 3:13 AM
Gemini50 said...: Hi All,

Just want to send a wish for a great Turkey-day to all the American ladies here.

A thought came to me the other day: "Not everyone who is alone is lonely." Be proud of yourselves ladies for the work you are doing. You are on a path of discovery that many others don't know exists or, if they do, some run from... You are in it to win it!

I am thankful for Ms. Mirror and the community of ladies and gents who support each other here... Happy Thanksgiving to All :-)

(And Hugs!!); November 28, 2013 at 11:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Reyna,
"i have something of his its worth about 400 he has money probably doesnt need it do i drop it off anyways?"

Nope. If he wants it, he knows where to find you dear.

"i know he has non commital issues but this is bizarreee"

If he's admitted that to you dear, then why is this bizarre to you? This is how people who have commitment issues act - they act non-committal. They do not behave as someone in a committed relationship. So when a man tells you or signals to you that he's got commitment issues, you can't turn around and expect him to be reliable and consistent. Because being reliable and consistent is how people who can commit act. People who can't commit act wishy-washy, unreliable and inconsistent.

So his behavior is exactly in line with someone who claims to be non-committal.

"hes use to girls jumping thats for sure. he has money so girls use him"

And his behavior falls in line with this. Players ALWAYS hang back dear, and force women to do all of the work to keep the relationship afloat. They tend to take the easy, lazy way of doing things. And if he's non-committal - then why bother? Why bother trying to vie for the attention of a man that's not going to commit? It's a waste of time. He likes things his way, he likes things easy for himself, he's lazy and forces others to do the work while he sits back, collects all of the attention, receives an ego boost and does nothing.

A man that isn't lifting a finger for you - isn't worth lifting your own finger for.; November 28, 2013 at 12:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Neva-Again,
Well, first of all, he's a disappearing man. Did you make him work at getting his foot back in the door? Did you ignore his attempts for several weeks to test him to see if he was even genuinely interested? Did you make him work at getting back into your good graces to prove himself worthy of your time? Or did you simply just take him back?

Because when you have a disappearing man on your hands, a man that's treated you disrespectfully and poorly - you DO NOT open the door lovingly for these men when they reappear. Instead, you put them to the test to see if they're even worth your time. If you let a DM slip right back in the door - all you end up with is a repeat of the entire situation. Why? Because you didn't test his level of interest first. You didn't make him prove himself and you didn't make him work at it.

When a man isn't willing to work at it and/or prove himself - he's not a man worth your time dear. Especially after he's disappeared once already.

When your dog pees on the floor, you don't reward him with your love and attention. Instead, you place the dog outside, so that it gets the message that this is not acceptable and the consequence to this is being placed outside. You don't reward the dog for bad behavior by giving it a treat or showering it with attention.

And the same goes for a man. When a man treats you poorly, you don't reward him by trying harder to win him over and showering him with more of your attention. Instead, he gets placed outside - in the cold, LOL ;-)

It's about consequences dear. And making the man accountable for his actions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

"Things have been going pretty well with DM but the newest problem i have is him asking when im free, then him saying he "may" make it!!"

When he can't commit - then neither do you. At the point where he says "maybe" and can't commit - you retract on the date and you say no. You don't agree to be on "standby." You signal that your time is valuable by not agreeing to sit and wait. When he says maybe, you immediately say, "Okay, no worries. A friend of mine wanted me to join them that evening anyway. So I'm going to go do that and we'll just have to make it some other time."

And that's it. You don't offer another time, you place the ball in his court and you signal to him that he needs to make the next move. And by making other plans, you signal to him that your time is valuable too, and that others wish to see you as well, and that you will NOT wait around on standby for him to see if some better offer comes along. You yank away the opportunity to see you by immediately making other plans and then leaving that ball sit in his court.

Cont . . .; November 28, 2013 at 12:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Im so bloody annoyed that he seems to think my times not important and that`ll i`ll wait around for him!!"

I understand that dear. But if you're annoyed by this, then why are you signaling the exact opposite to him? Why are you signaling to him that you're waiting on standby for him to decide if he wants to see you or not?

YOU have CONTROL over this. So don't act helpless and like you're at his whim. Instead, TAKE CONTROL over the situation, yank away the opportunity immediately and make other plans.

"so anyway i don’t to put myself out or wait until last thing to know if we meeting or not, so how do I cancel it with out sounding pissy?"

You simply explain, nicely and without emotion or through over-reaction, that you've simply gone ahead and made other plans. If a man cannot commit to a 3 day notice for a date - then there is NO DATE - period.

So you simply say something to the effect of:

"Hey, I know we were thinking about getting together but since you weren't sure if you could or not, I went ahead and agreed to join my friend who had asked me to join them that evening. We'll simply have to schedule something for a time when you're available. Have a great evening and good time :-)"

Notice how I put the onus of this on him? Notice my choice of words there? Words that signal to him that this was due to HIS UNAVAILABILITY and HIS LACK OF COMMITMENT? Notice how my choice of words were kind and respectful, yet removed any and all possibility of excuses and/or manipulating you into this being your fault?

Notice this:

"since you weren't sure if you could or not" (Placing this on HIS shoulders due to HIS inability to commit)

"agreed to join my friend who had asked me to join them that evening" (notice how I signaled to him that YOUR time is valuable as well and that OTHERS wish to see you, if he does not? Notice how I signaled to him that YOU will NOT sit and wait?)

"We'll simply have to schedule something for a time when you're available" (Notice how I put the onus of this on HIS shoulders again, by pointing out that HE was unavailable and unable to make a commitment here? And that when HE can commit, you'll be available?)

"Have a great evening and good time :-)" (Notice how I'm wishing him well and signaling that I'm happy and okay and not upset? That I'm being flexible and simply adapting to his unavailability and inability to commit, instead of being angry?)

Project that you're time is valuable (you are valuable and you're in demand, others want your time as well), project that this happened due to HIS unavailability and inability to commit (make him accountable for his behavior and the resulting consequences of it) and project that you are NOT going to wait on him via your ACTIONS (making other plans) - not your WORDS (not being emotional and upset).; November 28, 2013 at 12:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
A guy has disappeared more than one time, and this last was the worst. Where do you stand on continuing with social media relationships? To "unfriend" or not to unfriend?; November 28, 2013 at 7:07 PM
Madame X said...: I just love reading your website. Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving MOA! Many thanks. <3; November 28, 2013 at 8:28 PM
Anonymous said...: (From Aries Woman/Aries Guy)

Dear MOA and Ladies,

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday:-)

Seeking some advice about my next move (or not-move, as the case may be).

Mr. Aries Trainer Guy (who sent me the "muah" text just over a week ago) sent me another text just before noon today. "Happy Thanksgiving," it said.

I never responded to the" muah", have not been anywhere near the gym, and I did not respond to his text today.

To recap, this guy has disappeared on me twice before. After the first time, three weeks passed and he initiated contact again at the gym "wondering why he hadn't heard from me." (Yeah, right.)

Second time, if you recall, I was very straight with him about my desires (so as not to b.s. around and waste time), and he went "poof". I now know that putting myself out there in such a manner ended the game for him, because there was no guessing and the chase was over. For that round, at least.

Two weeks later came the "muah". And now today's text.

(He lost his sister to breast cancer in 2007, and I have quite a history of loss in my family. I realize that today was probably not easy for either of us, so not sure if blowing off the text today was too extreme. However, I'd rather do that then get involved in Round Number Three of yet another cat and mouse game.)

What's my next move here? Neither of the two post-disappearace times have I gotten an explanation or an apology from him. Do I keep up the zero-contact? At this point, how do I play this?

Many, many thanks!! I am so grateful to everyone here on this site.

Aries Woman/Aries Guy (AW/AG); November 29, 2013 at 12:02 AM
Anonymous said...: p.s. Mr. Aries Trainer Guy's birthday is April 16th, 1986; mine is March 29th, 1971 (if that lends itself to being useful information---other than the fact that yes, he is boy toy material and I am the older woman…)

Cheers,
AW/AG; November 29, 2013 at 12:37 AM
chk61 said...: I've been fighting urges all week to drop a line to my disappeared man (D.M.). I've been successful at controlling them but I have to admit I have an attachment disorder. Despite the temptation, I am staying in No Contact. I will admit to looking at a new photo he posted online (he can't tell I looked). I know, it is not helpful to do that, but I am making slow progress. Not interested in being the alcoholic who leaves the AA meeting and goes straight for the bar. I am wasting precious time and energy on someone who clearly doesn't consider me a priority and who, quite frankly, did not treat me very well. It is now 45 days since the last contact from him. I really want these feelings to diminish and I know in time, they will. It takes me longer than some people and that's OK. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. :-)

Later today I am meeting a new person from online dating. I have zero expectations and hopeful that the meeting will be, at the very least, pleasant. And I'm working on opening myself up emotionally to new people, experiences, places, things, thoughts, ideas and a healed body/mind. All in all, 2013 has been a challenging year for me in several ways but I'm still truckin' and I have to keep moving forward and stop looking in the rearview mirror.

Best wishes to all!; November 29, 2013 at 10:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Aries Woman/Aries Guy (AW/AG),
"At this point, how do I play this?"

I think that depends on what you want from this dear. Are you looking for an "arrangement" here for something casual from time to time? Or are you seeking a relationship from this man?

Because each are very different and as a result, require a different approach. And that approach can't be decided until you decide what it is that you're truly seeking from him here - casual or commitment?; November 29, 2013 at 12:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Help!!! He disappeared for 3 weeks. He just text me yesterday.."Happy Thanksgiving". When should I reply and what should I say to the fool?...thank you!!!!; November 29, 2013 at 12:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 29, 12:22 PM,
"When should I reply and what should I say to the fool?"

If it were me, he'd get NO REPLY. That type of communication really doesn't warrant a response. And don't say, "But isn't that ignorant not to respond when he wishes me a happy holiday?"

No, it's not ignorant to be ignorant right back to a man that's disappeared for 3 weeks without a word and has been ignorant to you. Around the holidays, the players are in full force ladies. REALIZE THAT. It's a fact, these guys use the holidays to "tap" you and touch base and see if they can capitalize on those warm fuzzy feelings and nostalgia and sentimentality that the holidays cause us to experience. They know some women are lonely and they know that if they tap her around the holidays, she may become vulnerable to them easily because of that.

So no, don't respond to a guy that was ignorant just because he wished you a happy holiday. Don't respond to a man that's disappeared and treated you poorly or taken you for granted at all - until you receive an apology from him or an invitation to "talk" it out. Because if you respond, he'll swoop in barely having lifted a finger, he'll take advantage of you - and then he'll disappear all over again. Because you've just signaled to him that it's okay to treat you bad - and you'll still be there anyway.

So he will not be compelled to treat you any better moving forward. If you settle for "less," - then less will be his best - it'll be the best you'll ever get from him.

You can also read the sections in this article concerning what to do if your man reappears.; November 29, 2013 at 12:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ALL THE LADIES,

I just stated this above, but it warrants highlighting and stating all over again:

HOLIDAY WARNING!!!!! LOL:

Around the holidays, the players are in full force ladies. REALIZE THAT - IT'S A FACT. Like kids in a candy store. . .

Player types, half interested men and/or men seeking to use you - use the holidays to "tap" you and touch base and see if they can capitalize on those warm fuzzy feelings and sentimentality that the holidays cause us to experience.

They know some women are lonely and they know that if they tap her around the holidays, she may become vulnerable to them easily because of that.

It's not ignorant to be ignorant to a man that was ignorant to you. So don't go all soft thinking, "Oh gee, he's thinking of me on the holidays. He wished me a happy holiday. I have to respond to that because it'd be rude not to."

NOT TRUE GALS.

What's ignorant is for them to expect to be able to bee-bop right back into your life without explanation or apology to see if they can capitalize on your loneliness during the holidays, use you, lead you to believe something's really going to happen this time - and then disappear on you all over again once they've gotten to do so.

So don't respond to a guy that was ignorant just because he wished you a happy holiday. Don't respond to a man that's disappeared and treated you poorly or taken you for granted at all - until you receive an apology from him or an invitation to "talk" it out.

Because if you respond, he'll swoop in barely having lifted a finger, he'll take advantage of you - and then he'll disappear all over again. Because you've just signaled to him that it's okay to treat you bad - and you'll still be there anyway.

So he will not be compelled to treat you any better moving forward. If you settle for "less," - then less will be his best - it'll be the best you'll ever get from him.

Don't go all mushy with these holiday "tappings" ladies. The holidays bring these guys out of the woodwork.

SO PUT YOUR GUARDS UP, SLIP YOUR ARMOR ON - AND STAND AT ATTENTION - BE READY, LOL ;-)

The holidays tend to be a time when it's necessary to "do battle" with the idiots that come out of the woodwork and attempt to capitalize on the loneliness the holidays can cause some to experience. Don't let that be you. Don't ruin your holidays by allowing some lame dude to experience them with you.

If you do that, you'll be in tears by New Years. BE ON GUARD.; November 29, 2013 at 12:44 PM
Anonymous said...: This just gave me NEW LIFE!!!...THANK YOU!!!!!; November 29, 2013 at 12:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror ,

I've just read your response to the lady about the DM and Happy Holiday response. Thanks for reminding us all. I'm braced for two possible re-appearances of two different DM's and funnily enough I was saying to my friend not so long ago I bet I hear from them around the Christmas period for reasons you have clarified. Basically players, opportunists and manipulators using a time like you said to hone in on a woman's potential vulnerability coupled with the fact that I think that men even players get lonely around these times but it's not good enough and you should only allow a man back in if he can prove he is genuinely sorry...

Ladies do not be drawn into into and fall for it, unless like you say there is remorse, apology, regret etc. even
then I'd be tempted to keep them waiting a bit.

I've been really good at No contact in the past and realised now through my mistakes that this is only half the battle as I've fallen on my behaviour in the past when they have re-appeared and allowed them back in far too easily but now I am determined to follow through on the whole caboodle and value myself and to be in my life or have any of my attention a man has to prove his worth to me and that he's worth having around :)

May your glasses be half-full with worth and value.

So thank you Mirror for this timely reminder :); November 29, 2013 at 12:58 PM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG

Thanks for the above Holiday Warning for all of us. Makes perfect sense! I actually had a feeling about that yesterday when his text came in. I pictured him sitting around texting all of the ladies in his rotation the same thing to see who would bite.

To answer your question: CASUAL. I live only every other week in the same city as he does, and the weeks I am not there I have a whole other life going on. No relationship wanted.

He should know by now that I only want casual. I established that from the beginning, and again when I texted him that very frank message about what I wanted from him. Still, it seems he wants to play cat and mouse games.

We're both in the fitness world. I can't avoid crossing paths with him. Here's what I desire: either...

1. That our past brief encounter and couple of text message rounds to be water under the bridge, so we can both be at the gym and be cordial with no weirdness,
OR
2. To have a casual encounters when it works with our schedules, which means I most likely have to get really good at playing cat and mouse games. (Though it seems impossible to win those, because it's all about the chase and nothing else.) That said, is it even possible to establish a casual thing with this guy? If so, what's the strategy??

If he wants to play, I'll play. But I want to be a step ahead of him at all times and WIN if the game is on. (Of course, maybe the way to win is really and truly NOT to play…)

Thanks, MOA.

AW/AG; November 29, 2013 at 4:33 PM
Anonymous said...: OMG I've been thinking about doing this for the longest. But I don't know if it's too late and I would really like you all's opinion on this. Ok I have known this guy since high school and we were good friends starting off. We had class together and would always joke around, nothing serious. We exchanged numbers and started talking to each other on the phone. The conversations turned from 20 minutes to 3 hours and it turned to every other day to every day, and he was the one that was mainly calling me. I probably called him 10% of the time. So I'm thinking to myself ok, he may be interested. So I started developing a crush on him. I told him, and to my surprise, he was talking to someone else -____-. First of all, I'm thinking to myself when did he find the time to talk to this chick, he was on the phone with me all the time and every time we saw each other in school we hang for a bit. She literally fell out the sky so I was very heated at him that he lead me on like that. So I didn't talk to him for about a few months.; November 29, 2013 at 9:37 PM
Anonymous said...: (…..continued) We ended up talking again, and this time the conversations got more deep and personal and you guessed, sex came up. I was a virgin at the time and I wanted my first time to be with someone I really liked and cared about, and at the time, it was him. I expressed that to him, and he didn't pressure me or anything, so when we did first have sex, it was a great experience because it was something that I wanted and was ready for. I felt so close to him and finally thought we was going to take our relationship to the next level. But then he says that he doesn't feel like us being in a relationship wouldn't work and he's not ready for a relationship because he's bad at them, blah blah blah. I was disappointed but was like fine, because I'm not going to force anyone to be with me. Not even a month later, I find out through Facebook that he was in fact talking to another girl (not the girl previously mentioned but someone totally different). Now this time, I'm more hurt that mad because I just given my virginity to this guy not even a month before, he saying how much he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but yet here is talking to someone else yet again. And after I cut him off, he's in a relationship with her. It was literally like he took my heart out of my chest and stomped all over it. I was so broken up about it but I eventually did get over it and moved on with my life.…..; November 29, 2013 at 9:40 PM
Anonymous said...: (…..continued) 2 years later, he messages me on Facebook and say's "hey what's up, I don't like how things were left between us, so give me a call" by that time I was over it, over him, so I texted him saying yeah I'm over the situation and I'm open to us being friends again. He apologized for everything, and that was enough for me because before when we get into it he always tried to blame everything on me, so to hear him say I'm sorry, I messed up, not blaming me for nothing was mind-blowing to me. So we was rebuilding our relationship for about a year and old feelings that I thought were gone came back, and we ended up having sex 5 times in a 10 month span. Now, what's wrong with this picture, I'll tell you. To my surprise, I find out that he's still with the same girl he played my face for 3 years ago and he's trying to play it off saying they're in a open relationship. First off, who casually dates someone for 3 years? And second, as I mentioned earlier we had sex 5 times in a 10 month span, I only saw him like once a month or every two months. So you can pretty much guess that yes I was the side chick. And it didn't really sink in until he started ignoring me, not answering my texts, only wanting to see me when it was convenient for him, never taking me out, nothing. I let my feelings for this guy cloud in on my judgment on how he was treating me. He was treating me like an option and that was not ok with me. So I explained to him how I was feeling, that I didn't feel comfortable still sleeping with him while he still has a gf, and how I didn't appreciate him ignoring me. He was like he understands where I'm coming from and that he'll hit me up more and I said ok. That was October 30, I didn't hear from him until I hit him up on November 10 letting him know my birthday is a month from that day and that was the last I heard from him, and it's November 29. No happy thanksgiving, nothing. Tomorrow would be a month since I expressed to him how I felt and nothing has changed. So I guess my question is, is it too late for me to apply these theories to get him to come around since we have so much history, or should I just say it wasn't meant to be and move on?; November 29, 2013 at 9:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
Okay, that bit of clarification helps. It's established - casual.

So ladies, realize that what I'm about to say here goes against a lot of what I suggest here on this site. And that's because this situation is different - and AW/AG is NOT working towards a relationship here, only something casual. And because of that, she's going to get a lot more leeway than I normally suggest.

Okay dear, with these guys, the players, they like to play, as you've noted with the "cat and mouse" energy taking place here that he's trying to amp up. Players are real competitive about dating and treat it much like a sport. Lots of men do, even good men, but you can really appeal to the players through this even more so.

So if you want to draw him towards you for casual encounters, when he throws the ball and signals he wants to play - you reach out and grab it - and then toss it right back into his court. . .in a very "daring" manner. And by that I don't mean you rush in all aggressive. Instead, you play right back. For instance, let's take the "muah" text. Clearly he was fishing there, that's his game. So if you want him to bit, you take the bait and you play along.

Him: "Muah"
You: *blushing*

That's it. That's all you'd text back - but as you can see, that response signals "game on." You play along, acting coy and being a bit snide and snarky in a daring way. You signal that you're open to this and you're willing to play along, but you're not going to step into the lead. Instead, you're simply going to encourage more of this behavior from him. And as you do that, he'll step closer and closer to the challenge.

And this is like fishing, like a sport. So we're going to use player tactics here (again ladies, realize she's shooting for casual, not committed here so this won't apply to many of you).

Once he begins to draw near and you playing along begins to entice him even more, once you sense he's about to pounce with an offer, or if he does pounce with an offer - you quickly pull back and you "set the hook" by not responding immediately. You suddenly go silent for a few hours and you leave him sit with the anticipation and excitement that was building - you leave him wallow in those good feelings for a while, you let him stew, you keep him guessing and you keep him engaged by doing so ;-) (Sound familiar ladies? Yea, we're using the players own game here.)

If he wants to play the game, that's cool, because you're only seeking casual anyway. So play the game - but BE THE COACH ;-)

Once you've left him simmering on high on the back burner for a bit and you've "set the hook" here, then you suddenly swing around and you respond with something completely unrelated. You simply say, "Hey you :-)" (Again, sound familiar ladies, LOL?)

And you wait for him to "bite" again. You're an Aries so you'll probably be good at this and actually enjoy it, LOL, and I imagine he will too believe it or not. And let me make it clear for the ladies here, this is not manipulation with malice or bad intent. I'm not suggesting this to hurt anyone here. I'm simply suggesting this because players actually dig messing around and toying like this. So this will be enjoyable, not hurtful.

Cont. . .; November 30, 2013 at 9:28 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And chances are, when he bites again, he'll say something like, "So are we on?" And when he does, give in and provide the date and time.

That way, you've given him something that he enjoys, you've played the game, provided a bit of an exciting emotional ride and amped up a challenge of sorts, making him feel like he kinda worked at this a bit in a fun way. And you've also proved yourself a worthy adversary - signaling that you know full well how to play the game - to win ;-)

If you wait for this man to step forward completely with you, chances are he's not going to do that. Chances are, as you've noted, he prefers the cat and mouse energy of "toying" with one another to increase the build up and anticipation excitement. That's clearly what he thrives off of.

So previous to this, when I was suggesting that you hold back, I was under the assumption that you wanted something "more" from him. Holding back with a guy like this won't work if you actually want something casual with him, because as you can see, players don't really put lots of "work" into things. If they have to, they'll move on. Which is why making men "work" at obtaining you generally in and of itself weeds out lots of the players - and that's usually the discussion taking place here. So what I've written here, goes 100% completely against what I normally suggest for that reason. For the reason that you want casual, not committed.

But even with players, you can't come on full throttle. If you do that, it's so easy sometimes that they consider it boring. Or even worse, they take you up on your offer, but treat you very disrespectfully afterwards. But there is this fine line you can walk with them, where you prove yourself a worthy opponent, thus maintaining a certain amount of their respect in a sense, while keeping them engaged and excited - feeding them that "high" they're always chasing down.

I still suggest that in order to maintain a bit of respect here, that you do not initiate these interactions - and only simply respond to his in a very playful, challenging, enticing and encouraging manner.; November 30, 2013 at 9:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 29, 9:37 PM,
"he's trying to play it off saying they're in a open relationship"

That's a bunch of BS. This guy's full of it.

"I let my feelings for this guy cloud in on my judgment on how he was treating me."

This is why you only EVER focus on the ACTIONS of the man dear, and you IGNORE his WORDS. His actions will signal his intentions:

"he was in fact talking to another girl (not the girl previously mentioned but someone totally different)"

"he messages me on Facebook and say's "hey what's up, I don't like how things were left between us, so give me a call"

"I find out that he's still with the same girl he played my face for 3 years ago and he's trying to play it off saying they're in a open relationship"

"I only saw him like once a month or every two months"

"he started ignoring me, not answering my texts, only wanting to see me when it was convenient for him, never taking me out, nothing."

As you can see, his actions over an extended period of time signaled "player" and "casual."

"he'll hit me up more and I said ok"

I have to ask dear, why did you agree to let him "hit you up" more? "Hitting someone up" means hitting them up for a fling. If you don't want a fling or anything casual here, then why agree to it, ya' know? The wording he's used there's signals his intentions. And his intentions are to "hit you up" from time to time for a fling.

"I hit him up on November 10 letting him know my birthday is a month from that day"

Not a good idea dear :-( A guy that's interested in something casual is, regretfully, not going to care about your birthday. He's not going to act like a boyfriend, ya' know?

"Tomorrow would be a month since I expressed to him how I felt and nothing has changed."

And nothing's going to dear. This guy has made himself completely clear here - casual only, not committed. He's seeing at least one other woman that you're aware of and based on his prior history, there's a good chance there are several more. So why then would you expect this man to behave as a boyfriend would, consistent, reliable, etc. - when he's clearly only interested in "hitting you up" from time to time, ya' know?

"So I guess my question is, is it too late for me to apply these theories to get him to come around since we have so much history, or should I just say it wasn't meant to be and move on?"

Move on dear. This guy isn't capable of commitment right now. He's simply NOT relationship material - period. He doesn't want one, he has absolutely no interest in one and he's not going to want one or be ready for one for quite some time dear. Unless you're after something casual and hookup from time to time every couple of months - get the hell away from him, before he really does your mind and your spirit some serious damage.

You're expecting this to progress and he's signaling that's never going to happen. In addition to that, why would you want a man who clearly cannot be committed to anyone - as a potential boyfriend anyway? He'd only cheat on you, just like he's cheated on the rest. He's not qualified for a relationship, he doesn't have the skills necessary to maintain one, nor does he seem the least bit interested in one.

If you want a relationship - this is NOT the man for it dear. His actions have already proved that to you. Move on and find someone that wants the same things you want. This one's a waste of time dear and anymore time spent with him or involved with him with him will only surely bring you more pain :-( So protect yourself immediately and move away from him.; November 30, 2013 at 9:49 AM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG

MOA,

Ahhh… Your strategy makes much sense. Thanks for that direction. You are right--being an Aries myself, I could enjoy playing this game. Game ON, as far as I am concerned.

Given that I blew off the "muah" and the "Happy Thanksgiving" texts, what is my next foot forward? Do I wait for another text to come in, or do I send some kind of a response? It's been two days now since the Happy T-day text. (I have time here, so I'd rather play this right than make a wrong move in the act of being hurried.)

Many, many thanks,

AW/AG; November 30, 2013 at 10:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA ,
Hi there was just wondering after they dissapear do they reappear ? Cause I always thought these men that were over 50 are a little more grown up , ha !!! right not . My mother used to say "the only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys . I do believe mama was right , some men never grow up .; November 30, 2013 at 3:11 PM
JD said...: I agree with MOA...please just drop this fool! Trust me, a broken spirit is worse than a broken heart! It's taken me MONTHS to get over on what happened to me. I don't want you to go through it.

Whew, I got a lil emotional in my last posts! I'm glad I didn't reach out to him in almost 3 months! You're right MOA...now I see. It doesn't matter on what I did/didn't do. What matters is he disrespected me! I posed a serious question and he left me hanging for almost 2 months! What matters is he mistreated me quite often and I wasn't a priority...and settled! Why did I ever assume a 40 year old man was automatically MATURE? :-/ I got to speak with 2 of my ery good friends and they even touched that what he did shows a lack of maturity and show who he really is. And you know when someone shows you who they really are...I also was just being myself. Why would I have to feel like I should watch what I say around a man that I like? I'm not going to hide my true self. Not that I begged him for anything, but if he couldn't be mature enough to say something and address it, I now realize this man is either not relationship/marriage material or he just isn't ready. I'm sad now only bc I wasted 1 year on him! In two weeks it will be 3 mos of NC. I hae been keeping myself busy with meaningful things to do, so time has gone by really fast. But yes, now I realize, the thing that does matter is that I realize he has mistreated me and disrespected me. I've got my dignity, so I'm not contacting his arse!; December 1, 2013 at 4:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
I think I'd wait for his next communication. However, given the situation, you can always respond to the Happy Thanksgiving text, but at this point, that'd seem a bit obvious I think. If it were me, I'd just lie in wait for the next one, LOL ;-); December 1, 2013 at 9:07 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 30, 3:11 PM,
Not all return dear. However, we did do a bit of a survey here once in this thread of comments and discovered that approximately about 90% of them - do resurface at some point, LOL ;-)

If you'd like to figure that out for yourself, jot down the numbers of the men you've dated over the years and the one's that didn't work out for whatever reason - and then jot down the numbers of the one's you've ended up hearing from again at some point.

It's usually very eye opening - and once you see that, you then wonder what the hell you're worried about whether or not the man will resurface again for. . .because you end up seeing that most do, LOL ;-); December 1, 2013 at 9:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror is right in my relationship history the ones that didn't work out looking way back way beyond the birth of this site I had someone who used to contact me re-appear every four months for years and another one in month of so and others within 3-4months really.

Ladies I'm sure you will but report your big-foot sightings that will appear around the festive period, they're on their way, so like Mirror say be on your guard!!

Foreworned is forearmed :); December 1, 2013 at 9:27 AM
chk61 said...: I agree with MOA that disappeared men often return in one form or another. The important thing to remember, which MOA has pointed out quite well on this blog, is that when a disappearing man (D.M.) does reappear, it doesn't mean he has suddenly realized he actually is in love with you and can't live without you. It could mean simply that:

1. YOUR disappearance has piqued his curiosity: "Wow, I HAD her and....where'd she go?"
2. He's bored and hasn't met his "dream woman". He knows you liked him so he figures, "what the heck".
3. He's horny. He remembers those fun, maybe very sexy times you had and wants another go at that (this is the #1 reason for reappearance if you've been intimate, in my estimation).
4. He needs an ego boost. When you were showering him with affection and communication, he felt desired, necessary, like a man. He needs a little of that so he can be reassured you are there on the "back burner" so he can feel more confident while he waits for and/or pursues his "dream woman".
5. He actually does miss you (a little) and realizes he screwed up. He sort of wishes you could be "friends" (with benefits would be nice) even though he knows that usually doesn't work. He feels guilty and wants to make sure you don't hate him (he is a human being, after all). He wants to make sure you don't hate him so he can continue to look for his "dream woman" and not feel badly about the way he treated you.
6. He realizes after YOUR disappearance that he actually does care for you deeply and wants to see if a second chance might occur.

So there are other reasons as well. Or it could be a combination of any of the above reasons.

I just know when I received an email from my D.M. after 35 days of No Contact and 60 days of no physical contact/not seeing each other, I felt immediately buoyed, with a rush of excitement. I thought, with a big smile on my face: what does this mean, he DOES like me. He CARES. This contact "meant something"...he realizes how awesome I am, he wants to pursue a relationship with me after all. Honestly, I still don't know why he contacted me (my story is in prior posts as to what happened) but suffice it to say that another 45 days have gone by and he hasn't tried again. So now it is OVER 4 months since we've seen each other and he lives 5 miles away. He is still quite active on two dating sites, including the one we met from, and just changed his profile photo to a new one from his recent trip overseas.

With my D.M., I think his contact was a combination of #1-5 but mostly #3. It is what it is.

I reached my goal of getting through Thanksgiving with No Contact. YAY for me. Now I gotta get through the New Year and I'm actively trying to meet new people. I had an internet date the other night. It was OK, although I'm not sure I'll see him again. Onwards and upwards. ;-); December 1, 2013 at 10:47 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

I agree that most men return at some point. It has happened to me a few times. And I think that usually it happens when you are over him, doesn´t it? What has occurred to me in this connection is that in some cases the situation is reversed and it´s women who reappear and make men wonder about the reason. For example I remember me contacting a man after several years of not being in touch with him. I phoned him out of the blue with no real intention to reestablish contact, I just wanted to ask how he was doing. I didn´t realise at the time that he might be wondering about my phone call afterwards. By this I don´t want to generalise that people reappear without being genuinely interested in the person. However, I have learned that when men reappear the best thing is not to take their reappearance too personally and wait patiently for their next steps if there are any. As Mirror says, we shouldn´t allow men to hurt us again.

As for me - no special news. I don´t know if it´s me but it seems the longer I am online, the worse men contact me. Last year when I started, the men who wrote to me at least communicated, asked questions, etc., whilst now the men who contact me just drop a line or two letting me wonder what to do about it. And I usually do nothing, so a potential friendship is over before it has even started. Well, it needs patience...

I wish Mirror and all the ladies all the best and a happy spirit under any circumstances.
HopefulWithMen

P.s.: Mirror, thanks for your special holiday warning; it will be soon topical again at Christmas.; December 1, 2013 at 12:50 PM
reyna said...: @mirror he actually did a lot for me and lifted a finger he invested a lot thats why i dont understand... as far as the coming back they ussually do sooner or later but i think i annitiated it and then fade out then they are up my butt so to speak i have a guy from three years ago texts me every morning all of the sudden its nuts!!! sucky thig is i dont know many people here so i made friends with one of his friends gfs she asked me how he was i finally was like i havent heard from him he disappeared... and i told her how i felt like great time no fights your boyfriends friend vannished.. didnt want to lie .... she said i dont know him he does what i see and what i hear from him are two different things... and i \just said well i know i met you thrugh him but i seperate the two and i want to still be your friends think your pretty cool... then she vannished!!! lol
i had people tell me maybe she was trying to find out if i would down mouth him... but i didnt i dont have anything bad to say!
reyna; December 1, 2013 at 4:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh man the holiday post was my favorite! It happened to me last year with a guy who basically disappeared wanting to work on his long term relationship and said good bye to me. He actually said good bye and that the issues he and his gf resolved their issues and decided to give it another try. Who the hell says good bye? LOL Anyways a week later he sends me a weird link to check out and I responded saying what was it about because I didn't understand it. Well he did the appear, disappear, appear.....then on New Years he wrote happy new year. What did I do? I waited a bit and responded. Not smart, should have mirrored his stupid behavior. Now I understand why these losers do this.; December 1, 2013 at 5:39 PM
Anonymous said...: Wow this is an great article. I honestly think my generation has gotten jipped when finding a great man (I'm 23 btw). They have simply just got lazy and don't want to put in no kind of effort in dating and just want the easy way out. The last few guys I tried to talking to all they wanted to do was come to my house or go to his house. That's not my idea of a first date, I always thought a nice dinner, maybe go bowling, go go-kart racing, play miniature golf, you know something like that. These guys aren't even discrete about it anymore, they just want to hit it and quit it and on to the next. And honestly I feel that us women are partially responsible for men behaving in this manner. A man can only treat a woman like a toy if she allows it. And some women get so desperate for a man that they will settle for less just so they can say they have one, and as us women, we have to do a lot better on picking our men. After reading this, it definitely opened my eyes to my current situation and I'm going to be using these tactics to see how things go, and I'll definitely be keeping you all posted. Again thanks for taking the time to write such a great article.; December 1, 2013 at 10:54 PM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG

Sounds like I do not want to use the three-day rule on Mr. Aries Trainer Guy?? Just to make sure I have this down:

1. When he sends a text, I respond the way you suggested (coy, playful, simple) in a TIMELY manner---correct? Or do I wait a bit?

2. If I get a response, then I definitely wait a few hours to respond back. Again, playful and coy.

I never come on too strong (which I totally get, now). I am simply the coach.

One more question. What if, when he sends an initial "fishing" text and I respond in that coy, simple manner, he does not respond back? I assume I let it go and wait for another time when he comes fishing…

Trying to stay one step ahead in this game!

Thank you!

AW/AG

p.s. In the case of the Happy Thanksgiving text, what would have been a good response to that? It's not suggestive. It's not obviously flirty. How could I have played that one to set the hook?; December 2, 2013 at 11:09 AM
JD said...: So I decided to peep his FB profile. My reason, to confirm that I've got to look at him in a different light and to tell myself what I was dealing with...BEFORE I go visit the state he happens to live in (but going to visit friends there, instead). I didn't feel sad or emotional, but remember when I stated he is a self-proclaimed Mama's Boy? Well he posted something and his Mom responded saying she wanted to go to this concert and she wants him to be her date. He responded to let him know when..."It will be the best date ever." His Mom also visited for one week during Thanksgiving. He posted it was nice to have her there and for her to prepare a hot meal as soon as he came home from work (works late hours). And that he is spoiled to the core. I know it's one thing to love and respect your Mom, within healthy and reasonable boundaries, but after looking at this, I feel that maybe this DM does NOT want marriage any time soon, or ever. Maybe his Mom is a factor. She seems to take care of his needs...even though she lies in another state. But he has posted in the past that she is his confidante. So if he is getting his emotional needs met by his Mom, what does that say for a potential gf/wife? I don't think anyone would be good enough for her son. It's just all weird to me now. I've got a son of my own, but I do not want him to be a Mama's Boy to the point where he is needing emotional needs from me. I guess this is also why the DM seeks a lot of attention from females on his FB profile.; December 4, 2013 at 6:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
I've seen that type of behavior a lot from women and their sons. And honestly, and I know this sounds ignorant but think about it - I think those types of women ruin those sons for other women. They signal to the son that no other women is/will ever be HER (i.e. "good enough"). And when a woman does step into the son's life, I've also seen those types of women become VERY competitive - with their own sons girlfriend.

It's really quite strange when the man you're dating's mother becomes - your adversary of sorts, your competition. For his time, attention, etc.

And it's equally strange when there's a very fine line being crossed and the women (mom) is treating and interacting with the man (son) like a husband - instead of a son. It's a subtle line, but a line nonetheless. And it ventures into somewhat borderline "creepy" behavior.

"I feel that maybe this DM does NOT want marriage any time soon, or ever."

I've seen that happen dear. And what tends to follow is all this "do, do, doing" that the mom does caring for this grown man like a child still ends up giving the man the erroneous impression that when a woman IS in his life. . .she should act like an appliance for him. Washing clothes, cooking dinner, cleaning up after him, etc. Granted these things eventually come with a committed relationship to an extent, but it's almost like these guys think that's the ONLY worth and value a woman in their life can and SHOULD provide.

It eventually becomes a situation where they don't need a woman in their life - they need a MOM.

"I don't think anyone would be good enough for her son. It's just all weird to me now."

Exactly, that's what I mean, LOL, and you're sensing the same as well.

"I've got a son of my own, but I do not want him to be a Mama's Boy to the point where he is needing emotional needs from me."

Exactly. Being there as a mother is one thing, but being there as a lover of sorts is entirely different and should be off limits if you want your son to have a happy normal life that includes a wife and children.

"I guess this is also why the DM seeks a lot of attention from females on his FB profile."

I will tell you that in my opinion, these types of men with these types of mothers, are some of, if not THE neediest men on the planet. They need to be taken care of, they need to be top dog, they need lots of attention, they need lots of care, they need lots of support. . . they "need" lots and they "need". . .a MOTHER. In the end, they need a mother and a caretaker more than a lover and they can be an absolute drain on your resources and you can end up living with Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up.; December 5, 2013 at 8:20 AM
Pisces girl with Aries male experience said...: Dear Mirror,

My last post to you was @anonymous October 30, 3:11pm...

So I took about a 4 week break from social media, which really did me great I have to say, got myself to focus more on the things I needed to do and of course eliminated the chance of seeing anything of Aries via social media news feeds...

So upon my return I posted some pictures about my recent travels, and yes he liked one of my pics.... Its funny how each time I'm actively going on with my life and 'forgetting' about him in a sense he pops right back into my life somehow (and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that it throws me for a loop a bit each time)... so I refrained from reacting on it in any way and simply carried on posting and liking other peoples posts, as per normal... so two days later he liked another one of my pics....

Now the one side of my brain says not to read anything into it... as it was simply pics, that happened to come trhough on his feed at the time he was on it, and its clear why he liked those two pics, he probably would have liked it had anyone else posted it... And then, the other part of my brain is wondering if he is wanting to stay 'contact' now and if by me liking one of his pics back last time already showed that we can be 'friends' without some sort of apology...

My question I guess is, can I still signal to him that his treatment of me requires an apology, should he want to reconnect in a sense as friends, by refraining from contacting him in any way further??? Because part of me also thinks, that if he really wanted to connect with me, then it surely would not be too much to expect that he does so in a real way by having a conversation with me rather that just liking some of my pics... right??? Especially after what happened between us, and the way things went down...

In your response to me last time, you suggested I ignore these things on social media and just keep moving forward, and believe me when I say that, that is really what I'm trying to do... I often repeat that frase in my head ;) I just dont understand why its so hard sometimes, the whole thing that happened between us was this time last year... and i'm so very greatful that I found your site, and all the other ladies's stories on here, as it has really helped me a lot over the last year!!! I am clearly still learning though... :-); December 5, 2013 at 9:54 AM
chk61 said...: Just posting here instead of contacting him. The holidays can get one down when you're single, year after year ...the lack of light is also tough to adapt to. And the year anniversary of when we met is next week. I am also just not feeling great in general (menopause is not for the faint of heart!) I'm staying strong and taking care of myself, and not taking on more stress than I can handle. I will stay in No Contact. Thanks for the support here, all.; December 5, 2013 at 12:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces girl with Aries male experience,
First off I must say, and I'm not laughing at you girls, I'm laughing with you over these situations in an attempt to help you see that you don't have to take all these guys you meet so very seriously. . .but I must say, I find it no coincidence that many of you wondering what the heck is wrong with these guys. . .are dealing with Aries men (the battling, competition enjoying warriors of the zodiac). . . .sigh, LOL ;-)

"My question I guess is, can I still signal to him that his treatment of me requires an apology, should he want to reconnect in a sense as friends, by refraining from contacting him in any way further?"

Yes, if you do not respond or react UNTIL he apologizes, then that will force him to think about WHY you're not responding. And when he starts to think about why you're not responding, he'll most likely think back to his last few interactions with you for the answer to that question. And when he reflects back on his last few interactions with you prior to your silence, he'll see that HE was at fault for a few things and if he wants to reignite a friendship, the right thing to do is make an effort to do the right thing and apologize.

That's the thought process that most human beings naturally go through when encountering a situation like that. And most human beings, when they reach the conclusion that they played a part in what took place, will feel compelled to apologize to make things right again. If he doesn't do that, if he lets pride or ego interfere and he fails to do the right thing - then that says something to you about his character as a man - and you should listen. Because a man that can't admit when he's wrong and/or do what's necessary to make things right, or that doesn't care enough to do those things - isn't worth having as a mate anyway, ya' know?

"I just dont understand why its so hard sometimes"

Because I think as women, we tend to feel that if we just "do" one more thing, make one more move, the man will suddenly see our value and worth and come a' calling. But the reality is, the exact opposite usually happens - the more you do, the nicer you are, the more you get taken for granted.

"part of me also thinks, that if he really wanted to connect with me, then it surely would not be too much to expect that he does so in a real way by having a conversation with me rather that just liking some of my pics... right?"

Absolutely :-) And you deserve no less than that dear.; December 5, 2013 at 2:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61
"The holidays can get one down when you're single, year after year"

This is true dear, but there are ways to make the most of it. For nine years, I've kept up with traditions, decorating, putting a full size tree up, decorating the house outside, baking - all for ME. All for MYSELF dear. So that my holidays have never been affected by "lack" and instead, they are full and fulfilling regardless.

There's a line in the movie, Under the Tuscan Sun that I think applies to the general concept here:

"Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come."

And what that means is. . .carry on as if what you want to happen - has already happened.

When you make room in your life like that for things that you want to appear to fill those voids, and you carry yourself as if they've already happened, and you make-believe as if they're going to. . .a funny thing happens dear.

The universe eventually fills that void.

This year, I will NOT be alone for Christmas in my home dear. This year, all those things I do every year alone, will now include someone else. This year, there's a man in my life that will be spending the entire month with me :-); December 5, 2013 at 2:45 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA do you filter out posts? I posted something yesterday that didn't appear yet. I did say ass&^%$ :); December 5, 2013 at 4:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous December 5, 4:46PM,
I permit the occasional curse dear, as I understand it's necessary at times to vent frustration and to express emotion (I do it myself, queen of the F bombs sometimes, LOL ;-)

So no, I didn't filter out your comment. And I currently have none awaiting approval. But sometimes, because the links in this site template are rather small, people miss the fact that there are small "Newer, newest" and "Older, oldest" links at the bottom of the comment threads - to move through the pages of comments.

So it could be that it was approved at answered. . .but you haven't made it to the "newest" comments yet. (Someday I'll work on a new site design, promise :-)

Either that or if you're using a mobile device of some sort. . .you may have thought the comment was accepted and it really wasn't submitted due to some tech snafu possibly.; December 5, 2013 at 5:04 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Chk61,
I understand your sentiments regarding the holidays and being single, but reading your comment reminded me of something:

A couple years ago, when I was "alone AGAIN," one of my gf's at work said, "You just look so happy."

My response was, "I'm happy that I'm not in a relationship where I'm unhappy."

Maybe that is our celebration. A celebration of our choice not to settle for unhappiness, and as Ms. Mirror says, a celebration of our openness to the future.

With our age, dear, we have experience, and hopefully with that experience, we have wisdom and grace.
Money cannot buy it and physical beauty cannot carry it. It can't be faked for long, nor can it be fooled.

This holiday season, I hope that we all celebrate our wisdom and grace, learned from our journeys, our struggles, our strengths, our pain and our joy. (hugs to all)

@Ms. Mirror,
You go girl and have yourself one hell of a time! LOVE- LOVE- LOVE!!; December 5, 2013 at 8:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Wow. I don't even know where to begin...im so happy I came across your site. So, here goes I met a capricorn DM 6 Jan 1987 im a sagg 17 Dec 1990 so...everything was going perfectly during the first week the next week I gave up the goodies *embarrased* we're practically neighbours and I was seeing him everyday after that he disappears stops calling incessantly and just stops cating basically. I chase him like crazy he comes back for more sex then on the Fri of last week I sleep over at his house leave like 10 am in the morning head into town I see his car cz it has no plates and he told me his going to the bank I see another girl propped on the passenger's seat. ask him who she is he tells me its his sister. He has no time for me during the day but he has time for random females. We exchange words because im hurt he tells me he never wants to see me again Sat morning last week I give him time to cool off call him Sunday evening and he doesn't take my calls I message him apologizing he messages me back saying this is (DM's name) wife...can't you except when its over he doesn't want you anymore. I'm infuriated there's no electricity (I live in Africa btw in a country wraught with Electricity and Water cuts) I get to his house I know the gate and door are always open find him in bed alone ask whats up with the messages he tells me that he did it to get back at me and where was I yesterday why didn't I come grovelling??? chases me out of his house I refuse to leave till we talk because I know he won't take ny calls tells me to set an appointment at his office in the morning this was midnight sunday. I refuse leave and begin no contact. He's been calling nonstop messaging me. He knows where I live he's never sought me out and I feel like a mess. I know im still very childish but MOA what do I do how long should I carry on with No contact seeinf I did everything wrong in the first place; December 6, 2013 at 12:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 6, 12:03 AM,
"how long should I carry on with No contact"

Permanently dear.

I know that isn't what you want to hear - but this relationship is toxic, period. And anything toxic is dangerous to your health. You need to get rid of this man. He's not a good man and his character has already proved that to you:

"he disappears stops calling"

"he comes back for more sex"

"I see another girl propped on the passenger's seat"

"he messages me back saying this is (DM's name) wife...can't you except when its over he doesn't want you anymore."

"he tells me that he did it to get back at me and where was I yesterday why didn't I come grovelling?"

"chases me out of his house"

He's a very immature young boy who has a lot of growing up to do. And if he doesn't like women acting like this towards him, then he needs to learn to treat them with more respect.

He doesn't deserve you dear, and he doesn't value you - you need to get far away from this man, before he really hurts you (and he's already proved he's capable of that). Stay away from him and don't respond to any of his communications. He's not a good man dear :-(; December 6, 2013 at 6:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Found this interesting and believe it's quite useful. Below are breakup recovery tips - from a MAN, ladies (about a woman). But it works both ways - when someone simply isn't relationship material, mature and/or a match for you - it is what it is:

1. If you've "broken up" more than once, it's just not meant to be. Remember that time where the couple fought every day and constantly broke up and made up with each other, and then they got married and had a happy life? Me neither.
2. Changing is a lengthy process that takes time and effort. If your ex claims to have changed, chances are they actually just miss you. It's only been a few weeks, buddy. Do you really think they're suddenly a better person?

3. Backsliding is like eating a Big Mac when you're on a diet. It's good in a very shallow way for about five minutes, and then you realize why it's not worth it. Don't be that guy.

4. It's been said to death but No Contact really is the only way. If you have any voluntary lines of communication with your ex, the breakup will be exponentially more difficult. If they're especially manipulative, they will do anything to break NC. Don't give them the satisfaction.

5. The cliches are true (in spirit, at least). Deleting Facebook and hitting the gym aren't miracle cures, but being proactive in general and working on yourself is always a good thing. Keep your mind off the shitty relationship that you've idealized in your head.

6. You need a buddy to keep you accountable, if you've got one. One of my friends would go so far as to mock and tease me when I'd talk about my stupid ex or hint that I wanted to be with her again. That approach won't work for everyone, but tough love can definitely help. Preferably recruit one of your friends who particularly despises this ex.

7. Your ex is not the end-all be-all. You will laugh at yourself a year from now for thinking this. Trust me.

8. Holding on to this bad relationship is disrespectful to yourself. You only have about 80 years (give or take whatever) on this planet. Every second you waste on this is time you aren't going to get back. Tick tock, dude.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/05/this-is-the-advice-everyo_n_4393275.html; December 6, 2013 at 7:12 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA and ladies,

I've ran into this type of guy twice so far (in the early dating stage). And it's the type that tells you they like you. Asks when they can finally see you. Wants to take you out. Everything seems fine. When it gets down to scheduling the place or time. They say, Ill let you know or ill check my work schedule. You say ok and nothing further. Days go by with no explanation or cancellation. What's so hard about saying, I can't make such and such date. How about we reschedule. It's like their actions don't match their words. That makes me start No Contact. So why do some guys plan dates with you and then don't go through with it?. Instead of telling you something came up. They don't follow up. Is there a reason some guys do that? Or is it something I'm doing?
Thanks!; December 6, 2013 at 8:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 6, 8:05 AM,
"So why do some guys plan dates with you and then don't go through with it?"

For a multitude of reason dear, each depending on what their motivation or ulterior motives are. Some are insecure and simply seeking to prove something to themselves, to prove they can get a woman if/when they want one. Some are seeking an ego boost, some are seeking you as a potential option and when you say yes, that's good enough for them (to keep you as an option that they may or may not act upon), some are testing you, waiting to see if you'll chase them afterwards for the date, some are simply seeking reassurance. . .the list goes on and on dear.

"Instead of telling you something came up. They don't follow up. Is there a reason some guys do that?"

Again, a multitude of reasons. Some are simply ignorant, some have a hard time realizing that people online are still real people, some are insensitive, some are playing a little game, some want to be chased and are lazy, some are testing you. . .again, the list goes on and on.

"Or is it something I'm doing?"

In this day and age, most times, particularly if you're dating online - if them, not you. Meaning with all this technology today, it's very easy to treat people poorly and think nothing of it. . .because gone are the days when you actually have to do this stuff face to face. Gone are the days when you actually have to SEE the results of your ignorance to others.

With technology, you can now simply disappear without a word and NEVER see the consequences of your behavior and be accountable for it.

As much as technology has helped us - it's also hurt us greatly as a society. It's promoted sociopathic behavior and attitudes and nowadays, it's odd but, society actually REWARDS this type of bad behavior.

You see it in business all the time now. Gone are the days of ethical business. Nowadays, when someone runs over all their co-workers backs on the way to the top or continually takes credit for others hard work or selfishly praises themselves time and time again. . .it's now called "determination" and is hailed and rewarded. Instead of being called what it actually is, which is sociopathic behavior that lacks empathy and sympathy for others - and getting rid of it as a negative attitude.

Which is why I continually suggest - CONSEQUENCES ladies. Get comfortable dishing out consequences for bad behavior and cease rewarding it with more of your attention and time (chasing the DM down). When a man treats you poorly and you reward this behavior by giving him more of your time and attention, trying to get him to realize you're a great catch - instead - dish out a consequence for this poor treatment and fall off his radar, giving him NONE of your time and attention.; December 6, 2013 at 9:32 AM
VirgoPal said...: Mirror is very accurate in her account on how men get away with so much in today's dating world. They now have women calling them, setting up and paying for dates, and having sex without even offering even a slight commitment.

After my experience with a psychopath, I took the past few months to re-evaluate what's important in life and what kind of man I want to settle down with. I know every girl wants the type of guy that sweeps her off her feet, but more than likely that kind of guy will dump you or abuse you quicker than any other type, in my experience.

Now I have recommitted to my vow to wait until marriage for sex and establish firm boundaries with men.
I'm probably the happiest mentally and physically than I have ever been. I actually can thank the psychopathic Radiologist for it too. He made me grow up, and through no contact ( it's the truth, ladies) I realized the errors of my ways in dealing with him in addition to many of my personality characteristics I needed to be cognizant in order to meet and be with a stable and emotionally mature man.

I must say the past few weeks I've had multiple encounters with men that have all been positive. I swear at the beginning of the year I was only attracting potential abusers and narcissist who tried to take advantage of my lack of experience. It's like they could smell how lonely I was. I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me, or maybe I'm a narcissist and not him.

Now I am wise and living life, and I have had good men approach me telling me how sexy and beautiful I am. I even had a 20 year old ask me out to dinner because he thought I was his age when I'm actually 26. Yes, I'm going out with him. :). I haven't been out on a date in months, so I must reorient myself to the process. I'm not sure he is the one, but I am willing to give it a shot and always willing to walk if necessary.

Like attract alike ladies! So instead of waiting for that disappearing guy to call you back, go out and do things to make yourself happy. Good men out there will see how positive you are and will want to keep that smile on your face too.; December 6, 2013 at 9:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoPal,
Thank you for sharing that dear. It's nice to see that my suggestions actually help others and it's also good for the ladies who are in pain right now to see that as well - to see that, if YOU do the WORK (on yourself, for yourself) - it DOES WORK.

I know it sounds strange and selfish ladies, but. . .make it ALL ABOUT YOU for a while.

Cease "do, do, doing" for everyone else, and start "doing" for yourself. If you do that, you'll increase your confidence, you'll feel better about yourself, you'll realize that you actually CAN endure painful situations and come out on top, you will realize how truly valuable you are, you will no longer settle for poor treatment - and others will be drawn to you and attracted to your positive glow and the good energy you emit :-); December 7, 2013 at 8:30 AM
reyna said...: well i am the last to know... he disappeared after dating 6 months at the end of november i reached out he text and then later that day wrote on fb how hes met his match and the player is not playing anymore and how she makes him miss her and him smile and yadda yadda ouch,,, i responded to his lets talk text i dont even know what to say... my friends say a leopard doesnt chance his spots... and even though for once he claims hes met his match that its probably not so... they said thats why he disappeared incase it didnt work out he could write me eventually then when i persisted he had to fess up... they said for me not to be surprised when it doesnt work out that he reverts back to me but urge me to not let him back atleast not right away.. i am very hurt.. more because i feel lied too... do you guys think my friends are right that i will get the satisfaction of him calling or texting and then i can choose to ignore him?; December 7, 2013 at 3:41 PM
Anonymous said...: I am going to post this again. I did it last week and for some reason it didn't show up.

Ladies everything MOA suggests on here is 100% correct and if we had followed it we wouldn't be in these painful upsetting desperate situations. If you think about it, most of us ladies are much better people deep down than these loser DM. To me a DM is a coward especially online ones. Man up and say "I am not interested or sorry I can't make it".

I had an interesting thing happen to me this month which made me see things from these loser DM's perspective. It also helped me never to chase a man and always always do the NC. So I have a few guys who message me and some of them do not give up so they send hi how are u probably at least once a week. Some even message more often. I sometimes get messages from some of these guys a few times a week. When I look at my phone and see their name again I cringe. "you again". Too bad the guy I like isn't doing this. He did in beginning and I fell for him even though I did say you are not for me in the beginning. Maybe if I kept up with that he would not be a DM! Anyways these guys are non stop messaging on phone, Facebook etc. They do not care if I don't respond. Why? Well they probably like the chase and the less interested I am the more they are interested. My point is imagine how I felt when I saw those guys' messages? Well that is how those DM guys feel when you message them multiple times trying to get their attention. When I look back at how I acted with DM guy, I was like an acrobat performer doing all kinds of tricks for him to look at me "look at me look at me" When he would disappear I would send him cute pics of me at parties - pathetic. Well ironic when I stopped acting this way he started to come back and send pics and interesting things about him. What's next? Who knows but I am definitely not wasting another minute wondering because while we are sitting here pining and getting upset over these guys, I can assure you they are out there having the time of their life meeting other women or hanging with friends and talking about us "man that chick is psycho she keeps calling me". Our messages and attempts to understand what happened do nothing but feed these DMs; fragile egos :)) Ladies be strong, you all seem very interesting, funny, smart, good looking and fun loving people who will find someone who will really respect that and appreciate it. As one guy told me don't ever let anyone fool you or make you think otherwise. He is a DM who reappears here and there, but hey at least he said something right!

MOA do you believe in psychics? I went to one and she knew DM's initials, birthdate and year, described him to a T.; December 7, 2013 at 3:53 PM
JD said...: Thanks for these positive posts. 3 more weeks until I touch down in the state where DM also lives. I've had to talk to myself several times and ask why in the world would you want to contact him when he disrespected you and then acts like he has done nothing wrong? MOA, you've read my posts, in a way do you think his response made it to where he manipulated things to make it seem like it was MY fault because I did something he didn't like?

Anyhow, I'm still working out. I've decided my goal by next summer will be to reduce my body fat to 20% and get really lean. I would like to accomplish running 5K in 21 min or less and get into Yoga. I am looking into graduate schools still and I hope that by next summer or fall, or even spring, that I will be in some program. I really agree that we've got to work on ourselves. It is OK to be selfish. I've had to start saying positive affirmations about myself everyday, several times a day because the experience with the DM did a number to my self-esteem. I do believe in the Law of Attraction and I do believe I am a high quality woman who attracts HIGH QUALITY MEN that are EMOTIONALLY MATURE with INTEGRITY (just to name a few lol). I want these affirmations to get into my spirit. I will get back into my social profile on FB next week. Still keeping DM on my list, but unchecking any notifications I get from him. He probably thought I blocked him since I've been off of FB since early August. As in my last post, I did peep his profile and was seeing things in a different light...and I'm actually ok with accepting that he is not the man I thought he was. I failed to look past the surface. Oh don't get me wrong, I am not waiting for him. But I am preparing myself for the man that's FOR ME. I want to make sure I've got lots to offer. Truth is, I am looking for marriage.

But why should I hide this from men? Isn't it better to be upfront? I don't want to waste my time again. I've got 2 young children and I am tired of games. :-/ I guess what I'm saying is the ups and downs of emotions I experienced with the DM was something I did not enjoy, mainly bc I am used to being focused and things structured, especially since I've got kids.

Doing a 2 day cleanse/detox this weekend and the weekend before vacation. Going to be my best while I'm there and this time, enjoying the company of people who reciprocate their time.; December 7, 2013 at 5:20 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm a Leo and have been seeing an Aries man (March 26) for a little over a month now. He's 26 and I'm 21 and we met online. We would text throughout the day, everyday. He would call here and there but not all the time cue he'd say that I'm not his girl yet. A few weeks after we first met and after getting to know each other he told me he liked me, I did the same and told him I liked him too. He even told me he told his dad about me and taking me home to meet his family. Just recently he's been distant so I've been trying to do the same. It started on Thanksgiving weekend, he took longer than usual to text me and didn't text me as much on that Wednesday, I talked to him that night though and told me he was at his homeboy's pad. The next day was the same thing. I did wish him a Happy Thanksgiving through text and he replied hours later wishing me the same. We texted a bit but it wasn't like the usual, he'd always text me good night and sweet dreams. The next day we texted each other throughout the day but I felt like it wasn't the same, he was just talking to me like a friend I guess? The next day, which was Saturday, he called me later in the night asking what I was doing and wanted me to go over to his place but I said I was going out with my friends and said no, I felt at that time he was just using me so I said no. On Sunday we were supposed to watch a movie together but I didn't get any txt msgs or calls from him asking if we were still on for the movies so I assumed we weren't. I ended up going out with my friends that night and he ended up calling me twice around 11 but I didn't answer (mirroring him). On the next day, which was a Monday, he ended up calling me that night and asking me to come over but I said no again because I had my daughter that night and again felt like I was just being used. On Tuesday, it was weird. I think I did text him first, asked him why he's been acting different and all he texted me back was "what do you mean?", so I decided to ignore him for a while cus that was a stupid answer and was not having it. I called him later that night and we kinda caught up with each other about what we were doing this weekend cus he said I seemed busy and he was "letting me do my own thing". Then he told me how he was upset when I stood him up that night we were supposed to watch movies. I didn't, because he told me he was busy that night AND he didn't call me to check in if we were really going or not. I didn't call him either because I felt like he was pushing me to the side. So we just ended that conversation and he told me it was nice hearing my voice and catching up. He called me back again, and this time it was stupid. He asked me when I could see him again and I told him I could see him the next day if that was okay because that was the only time I was free this week. He agreed to seeing me, we even planned out what we were gonna do that night. Then out of nowhere he tells me that he doesn't think we should talk anymore and that I'm too slick and that I better check myself, before I wreck myself???? And IDK where the hell that came from?? I kept telling him I didn't understand what he was saying. So I told him that was fine, as long as he was being honest with me. Then he kept asking for my address because he wanted to send me money that he owed me and I told him that it was fine, I don't want to give out my address.; December 8, 2013 at 1:49 AM
Anonymous said...: cont.

And I told him I wanted to send back what he gave me but he told me to just keep it or break it. So I said that was fine with me, as long as he was being honest. I also told him that I don't want to talk to someone that doesn't feel the same way about me, and that he's just wasting my time too.He said it sounded like I didn't care, and I told him I didn't because he was being honest. Then I told him that I had to go and it was nice getting to know him. Then before I hung up he said, "why are you so headstrong?" He called me back AGAIN, telling me if I wasn't too mad that I could still talk to him, then he started acting like he didn't just say he didn't want to talk to me anymore. He even told me to delete his pics and #. Which I did right after we got off the phone the first time LOL! He then started telling me how he loves my spicy attitude, and that it was cute like how he first got me. He asked if he could still see me the next day and I was fine with it, I was playing cool and acting like he was my friend. Told him yeah I could and we could still watch movies together as FRIENDS, and he asked if he could still get a kiss and I"m like WTF???? I said no, we're just friends lol he even wanted me to stay the night but I disagreed but we still wanted to see each other then we got off the phone with a good night and see you tomorrow. The next morning he texted me and told me we had to cancel everything because he was going to the field for two weeks. Told him it was okay and that we could hang out some other time, we did not text or get in contact with each other for the rest of the day. The next day we didn't text each other at all but he ended up calling me at night around 8 but I didn't answer because I was trying to mirror his actions. I texted him the next day (today) in the afternoon and told him "Hey sorry I missed your call last night. Been busy with finals. Hope you're doing good! Talk to you soon" He texted me back real quick and said, "I don't even remember calling you? lol enjoy ur day?" What a jerk!!! He always plays like that. Acting like he wasn't the one trying to get in touch with me. What a loser! lol but I do like him. After he texted me I'm not texting back at all. I'm just waiting for him to get in contact with me again. What do you think I should do when he does end up calling/texting me? Do you think he's not into me anymore? Help???; December 8, 2013 at 1:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Reyna,
Probably. It could be a month, two months, five months or a year from now, but most likely his change will be temporary. I'm a firm believer, and this is just my personal observation gals, but I'm a firm believer that the more someone touts on FB how happy they are with their significant other, how happy that person makes them, how much they love them, how wonderful they are - all that jazz. . .the more someone does that, the more it smacks of overcompensation to me.

It's almost as if the individual is not only attempting to make others believe what they're saying, it's almost as if they are also trying to convince THEMSELVES that they believe it as well. That they are happy, in love, etc. Because just about anything in over-abundance. . .is overcompensation. When's someone's trying to hard, it's a red flag. It's almost like they feel that, if they say it enough, it'll come true.

Just don't buy all you see on FB and social media ladies, ESPECIALLY from players. It can be a completely false "life" and even those that aren't players take advantage of the opportunity. Reyna, I'm not saying his girlfriend is fake, I'm just saying that the timing of that post is umm. . .suspect (meaning, there was a motivation for posting that).

And ladies, just so you know, because I know a lot of you are on FB regularly, it happens all the time. Players go out for the night and ask strange women they don't know to take a pic with them, then post it making it look like they know this woman and all their female friends are gorgeous. Meanwhile, they don't even know the chic's name. It's a tactic that's suggested in the book, "The Game" written by Style (aka Neil Strauss):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/what-is-the-game-pick-up-artist.html

And let's not forget this guy, who made the news this year for his "fake girlfriend" on Instagram. Where he'd paint his fingernails to look like a woman's hand:

http://geekologie.com/2013/08/depressing-guy-makes-his-own-hand-look-l.php

And how about the company that's turned fake girlfriends on Facebook into a business:

http://mashable.com/2013/01/16/fake-facebook-girlfriend/

For $39.99, NamoroFake.com "generate(s) a fake Facebook profile for your "girlfriend," complete with comments and relationship statuses from the past 30 days."

And they don't have the same service yet for women, only men - they only create fake girlfriends right now, not fake boyfriends. So what's that tell you?

The demand for fake girlfriend accounts is higher than the demand for fake boyfriend accounts, that's what that tells you, LOL ;-)

On social media ladies - learn to take it with a grain of salt. Because the reality is that - everything there can be fiction. And the harder someone tries there, the more suspect you should be.; December 8, 2013 at 8:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 7, 3:53 PM,
"MOA do you believe in psychics?"

Yes, I do dear. I read Tarot cards myself. However, please realize that there are all kinds of nefarious individuals in that field. Unfortunately, it's been over-run by quacks. As a result, you have to carefully hand pick an individual that you feel:

1) Works for the good of all and intends to bring harm to none
2) Will be straight with you, good or bad
3) Reads first, asks questions later (doesn't try to pilfer information from you in advance)
4) Doesn't try to sell you anything afterwards (additional services, talisman's, etc.)

And they should make at least 3 "hits" for you during a reading. Such as "she knew DM's initials, birthdate and year, described him to a T." Because not everyone, even good ones, will hit on everything. And that's because these metaphysical practices are all intuitive based, meaning, it takes years to hone a skill like that. And even though one may have honed their skills, they are not going to be 100% with it because again, it's intuitive based. So they may receive a symbol or see a number, sign, etc. and it may be interpreted as one thing to them, when it may mean something entirely different to another. Which is why you see them throw out everything they're getting, then wait for a "hit" - so that they know which angle/symbols are correct and which direction to dig further into. When I read cards and I get a hit or acknowledgement from the person I'm reading for, the first thing I do is then pull another card against that - for further insight into something I know I've already latched onto as meaningful for them. Because your goal as a reader is to pull as much information out for them as you can, to provide them insight to help them reach a decision or conclusion. To me, it's not about predicting the future. It's about providing insight from past experiences that can then lead them to a proper decision about their future. In otherwords, to me it's about insight, not about prophecy.

So keep that in mind when dealing with a psychic. One's that attempt to get you to believe they can prophesize the future - - nah, I don't really think so. But one's that can glean insights from your past to help YOU make better decisions about your future - - much more plausible. It amounts to honing intuitive skills to read "energy" from events, circumstances and happenings in the individuals life.

And each and every one of us is capable of that. Each and every one of us is capable of honing our intuitive, God given survival skills. Much like a dog can sense danger long before seeing the grizzly bear that's heading your way - so can you, if you just try, work at it, and learn how to LISTEN to it. Which is why I'm constantly suggesting here that ladies learn to listen to your gut. It's a God given survival mechanism - it's a deeply primal built in warning system - don't ignore it, learn to LISTEN to it ;-); December 8, 2013 at 8:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"in a way do you think his response made it to where he manipulated things to make it seem like it was MY fault because I did something he didn't like?"

It's possible dear, but blame doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that he's treated you poorly. And that is not something that you need to tolerate.

Many men complain about effed up women. But what they don't realize is that GOOD women will become screwy during a relationship where the MAN is toying with her emotions. What these men don't realize is that NOT all the women they date are CRAZY - it's that THEIR BEHAVIOR makes her crazy - it would make ANYONE crazy, man or woman. When you go around treating people poorly, taking them on an up and down roller coaster ride, leaving them never knowing what's going on. . .living in that suspended state of emotion is enough to make ANYONE act out (in an attempt to control the madness and stop the crazy train).

In the end, the only thing that matters is that HE did NOT bring out the BEST in YOU. And you want to be with someone that compliments you as an individual and that brings out the best in you, not the worst. If you're around a man that's making you feel bad about yourself, get the hell away from him ASAP.

"But why should I hide this from men? Isn't it better to be upfront?"

No one's suggesting that you hide that dear. It's just that, there's a time and a place for everything, ya' know? And hitting some man up on the first date with your laundry list of "must haves" is just a huge turnoff for men - because the date is like an interview for an open husband/lover spot, instead of a "get to know you" casual, enjoyable period. Once things progress a bit in the relationship, topics of marriage, children, etc. all come up naturally, and that's when you can be open and honest about what you feel you need to make you happy. If you zip right in wearing a "marriage/children" blinking neon sign above your head, being wholly focused on filling that open position instead of actually getting to know the man, he's going to slip away feeling as if you were seeking ANYONE willing for that position, instead of someone special.

"the ups and downs of emotions I experienced with the DM was something I did not enjoy"

Exactly, which is why you do not stick around and continue dating men like that. If a guy makes you feel bad about yourself and brings out the worst in you - you end it, right there. No fooling around giving him the benefit of the doubt, it's over, period. Do not suffer fools, ladies.; December 8, 2013 at 8:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 8,1:49 AM,
"Then out of nowhere he tells me that he doesn't think we should talk anymore and that I'm too slick and that I better check myself, before I wreck myself???? And IDK where the hell that came from??"

LOL!!! He's too much. That's manipulation dear, 100% total manipulation. So here let me translate for you what that really meant, and then we'll explore where that came from - and then you'll see how you beautifully escaped the clutches of a player that was seeking to use you for sex.

Okay, here's the translation for what that comment truly meant:

"I really wanted to use you for sex and that didn't happen. So now, you better check with yourself to see why it is that you don't permit guys like me to use you sexually. And in order to get you to do that, I'm going to make you feel bad about not letting me use you. Because I'm a tool that thinks that women are objects and that men have the right to use them sexually. And because you did not permit me to do this, I'm going to make you feel bad about yourself for it and I'm going to make you feel like you need to learn to let men use you for sex - or there's something wrong with you if you don't."

Understand? Player got played dear, LOL - which is why he's now pissy about it. He said you're "too slick" LOL. . .and you know what that means? It means that YOU WERE TOO SLICK TO LET HIM USE YOU LIKE HE INTENDED TO. And then he threw in a "neg," "you better check yourself" to make you feel like this was actually something BAD, instead of something GOOD - , which it truly is ;-)

And I must say dear, that was beautiful how you handled him, LOL. DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT let this tool of a boy make you think for one minute that there's anything wrong with you. You are STRONG dear, STRONG. And you fended off this player like a pro. So much so that he, himself as a seasoned player, referred to you as "too slick" - I LOVE IT!! And SO SHOULD YOU DEAR. You dodged a bullet here and you should be very proud of yourself!!

And what was that bullet you beautifully dodged? Let's explore his ACTIONS and what this man's true intentions were (and what he WAS NOT able to do, that he truly wanted to do):

"It started on Thanksgiving weekend, he took longer than usual to text me and didn't text me as much on that Wednesday"

Just so you know, the night before Thanksgiving is THE BIGGEST drinking night of the year. Yep, that's right, a notoriously HUGE drinking night. Why? Because all of the college kids are home and out partying it up with friends from their hometowns they haven't seen in a while and everyone is off the next day, which has turned the night before Thanksgiving into the biggest drinking night of the year:

http://philly.thedrinknation.com/articles/read/9249-4-Reasons-Why-Thanksgiving-Eve-is-Biggest-Drinking-Night-of-the-Year#

"he called me later in the night asking what I was doing and wanted me to go over to his place"

"he ended up calling me twice around 11"

"he ended up calling me that night and asking me to come over"

"we even planned out what we were gonna do that night. Then out of nowhere he tells me that he doesn't think we should talk anymore"

Total booty call dear. This man wanted to turn you into a late night hookup. Ladies, invites to leave your house and be summoned to travel to a man after 9PM at night to provide sex on demand. . .is NOT A DATE. That's a booty call and booty calls don't turn into long term committed relationships that span decades.

Cont. .; December 8, 2013 at 9:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: This guy is a total loser dear. A complete user and a manipulative total loser:

"he kept asking for my address because he wanted to send me money that he owed me"

He has NOTHING, and I repeat NOTHING to offer you dear, except some cheap, tawdry sexual experience in the wee hours of the morning that'd most likely be an incredibly lame experience anyway. He treated you as an option instead of a priority and when you mirrored that and treated him the same way - he got pissed like a little bratty baby because he was played at his own game. And he was stupid enough to signal this to you by telling you that you're "too slick" LOL!!! What a tool. He basically told you dear that you beat him at his own game and that he was giving up on his attempts to use you.

You win. Give yourself a big pat on the back for this one girl. You exhibited a lot of strength under pressure in a situation that many other women would've buckled on eventually. I'm proud of you for properly protecting yourself here and for properly using these mirroring techniques to filter out scoundrels that are out to use you and mess with your head by making you think something's wrong with you because you didn't let him use you.

Do NOT sweat this one dear. This guy's a Grade A user and a total loser with absolutely nothing to offer you. And you know what? He'll be back, LOL. These one's, the really bad ones like this guy, they cannot stand rejection and/or the feeling that someone has beat them at their own game. So keep your guard up dear, this one's coming back again. And when he does, use no contact and no response. Don't even give this turd the courtesy of a response.

Way to go girl - keep up the good work of protecting yourself ;-); December 8, 2013 at 9:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 8,1:49 AM,
I missed the second part!

"why are you so headstrong?"

Omg, that's great - and he's an Aries. He's going to fall in love with you if you keep acting like this, LOL!! He's so pissed that you won't let him use you that it's cracking me up.

"He called me back AGAIN, telling me if I wasn't too mad that I could still talk to him, then he started acting like he didn't just say he didn't want to talk to me anymore."

OMG, I am laughing so hard here, I mean literally, I am laughing out loud and the dog and cat are looking at me like I've gone nuts, LOL!! Yep, he's an Aries alright. . .sigh. I'm telling you, he's going to fall in love with you if you keep acting like this, LOL ;-)

"He then started telling me how he loves my spicy attitude, and that it was cute like how he first got me."

LOL. . omg, I can't breath this is just too friggin' funny and soooo typical of an Aries male, I'm going to fall out of my chair here. . .

"He texted me back real quick and said, "I don't even remember calling you? lol enjoy ur day?" What a jerk!!! He always plays like that. Acting like he wasn't the one trying to get in touch with me."

This guy's such a typical Aries, you'd think I used him as my template for my Aries male post here, LOL:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/01/experiences-with-aries-male.html

Careful though, they've got a real cold, calculating "cutting" side as well.

"What do you think I should do when he does end up calling/texting me? Do you think he's not into me anymore?"

No, I think he's now in love with you, LOL ;-) I think you should just keep batting him around and batting him off of you - until he gets it and starts to come at you straight (IF he ever decides to do that). If he does not come at you straight, then he gets nothing. You have to be careful with these Aries men. They love a challenge, to them it's ALL about the CHASE, and when hurt, they can become very cold, mean and cutting towards you, much like a child throwing a tantrum. But those acts can hurt you, so be very careful with this one. He's smart, he's wily, he's cunning, he's manipulative and he's probably also got an ice cold side to him as well. To date a man like this, you really need to hold your own, ya' know? So you don't get run over and/or charmed by these types. I'm not sure he's worth the risk, because a lot of these men, once they've gotten hold of their desire (you) and won the challenge. . .disappear quickly afterwards.

"For Zeus wept when there were no more worlds left to conquer."; December 8, 2013 at 9:27 AM
JD said...: Ok, so Ive decided to peep the page again. Not out of stalking. But WHY I am in NC. DM posted this a couple of days ago o his FB:

"Man judging from my newsfeed. I have a bunch of bitter female friends on FB. Y'all stay venting about something!! Fellas gone treat them right! I get tired of hearing it everyday! Y'all just maybe the problem if you on your 3rd relationship this year!"

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT? There were many replies but he goes on to say that the females are blaming the men and they should look at themselves in the mirror and all the signs were there that the man is no good. Then there were a couple of women referring to him as a good man. What?!!??

Is he projecting something that's going on i himself internally? Or was I dealing with a crazy man? LMBO! The way he treated me and his posts are sometimes CONFLICTING!

What's your insight, MOA, on the psychology behind this?; December 8, 2013 at 12:46 PM
Unknown said...: I like some of the points to this… but it is funny how I feel they don't necessarily apply. I am with a man who I think is consumed with his work and passion for cars, and can not prioritise with woman or does not know how to. He does for a little, then goodness knows what happens. Well this is what he told me, "do me this favour, if you want to chat, just gimme a call, no ifs buts or maybe, even turn up at my door step sometime and come say hi and give me a cuddle and kiss even without notice, we'll catch up a little then"-- At first I told him "don't tempt me, I will do it, i'll just jump the fence if I have to" -- he laughed and said "Do it! don't hesitate" -- I said "well next time I feel like it, I will"..But now, honestly I feel a little embarrassed to do that.. The thing is, in his mind we have passed all formalities, he sees me like "his girl" he has even called me his "mrs".. but seriously I need more spending time with him… He also always says "we will do this and will do that.." I know he likes me a lot.. But I believe he has his own issues, I honestly don't think it has anything to do with me.. It has everything to do with his mindset and own personal issues… I wish that would change..; December 9, 2013 at 12:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
LOL, well keep in mind dear, FB is the place for idiot speak, ya' know? Meaning, no real epiphanies take place in conversations on FB. Half the time, it's a bunch of people simply thinking out loud, most times, about cats, dogs, TV and stupid stuff, LOL.

This is simply another example of that. To me, that post is the equivalent of walking up to a wasp nest and poking it with a stick. Thinking that to yourself is normal I suppose, but posting that out loud on FB is just an immature jag move meant to stir the pot for attention. And you see, it worked. There are some dumb asses there that showed up to stroke his ego and blow smoke up his butt about what a nice guy he is, LOL.

This is why you don't peek dear. If you do, you get sucked in - to the drama that is someone's semi-boring life.

And the funny part is that while he's busy accusing female friends of being "bitter," his post, in and of itself, appears bitter of women, LOL. Again, thinking it to yourself is one thing, saying it out loud is another. And saying it while blaming the woman - is something else. He's acting like women can't meet 3 users, liars and losers in one year, as if that's impossible, so it must be the woman. And that says something about his character because that's not a very gentlemanly action in the first place, and in the second place, it's rude to make assumptions about these women that it's all their fault.

But again, FB is a place where lots of strange talk goes on - venting, whining and complaining. So women who take to FB to vent and complain in this manner are opening themselves up for this type of judgment from others. As you can see, I'm not a big fan of FB and social media in general as I think it has contributed to the degradation of society as a whole in subtle, yet largely negative impactful ways.

Ignore this type of mindless chatter there. Don't participate in it and don't respond to it. Nine times out of ten, these guys are gunning for a passionate response which is why they "go there" in this manner openly. It's attention seeking behavior in my opinion and because of that, he gets none of your attention because that's exactly what he wants.

"The way he treated me and his posts are sometimes CONFLICTING!"

I see this on FB all the time. I see men who are really ignorant to women getting kudos from others for being a "good" man. One in particular, it's his mother who shows up and always makes the first comment about what a great guy he is (meanwhile, he's been a user and a man whore, LOL), and another, he posts embarrassing, ignorant and disrespectful images of his girlfriend in compromising positions, usually passed out sick and hungover from being out drinking every damn weekend like 20-somethings, and posting them for the world to see. He posts these embarrassing images of his girlfriend that she's unaware of and then announces that she's hungover - again - and thinks nothing of this. He thinks it's cute. He doesn't realize how damaging to her image and reputation he's being. He doesn't realize how he's constantly giving others something to negatively judge her for.

Cont. . .; December 9, 2013 at 7:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: He has a daughter as well and he still does this to his girlfriend. Then he laughs, his buddies all show up and laugh, they all have a laugh at HER expense. And the funny part is, everyone, even his male friends, all remark "does she know you did this" or "she's not going to be happy about this" - they all signal he's a jackass in their comments - and he STILL doesn't get it or care. Then days later, it's a complete 360 about how he "loves this woman." Then folks come along and blow smoke up his butt about what a great guy he is. When meanwhile, 90% of the time, he's posting embarrassing disrespectful images of his girlfriend in compromising positions for the entire world to laugh at and poke fun at. And he uses FB to hurt others. When/if he breaks up with one of these women (I think there have been about 4 in two years that made it to his FB page, LOL), less than four weeks later, he's posting images of himself with a NEW one. It's immaturity at it's finest.

FB is full of stupidity dear, full of stupid immature behavior that people think nothing of unleashing for all the world to see. Have a laugh, shake your head at him and move on dear. And thank your lucky stars that this man isn't a part of your private world. Because if he was, it'd only be a matter of time before he took it public. . .sigh ;-); December 9, 2013 at 7:22 AM
Anonymous said...: "This is why you don't peek dear. If you do, you get sucked in - to the drama that is someone's semi-boring life. " MOA is 100% here. I went out with a celebrity and it ended - well he turned into a DM. I made it a rule of thumb to practice to the NC rule, mirroring rule and every other rule MOA talks about here.

I agree with MOA. I have both Twitter and Facebook. I never post on Twitter and regretted following him on there because everytime you go on there you see stupidity, ego stroking, and full of shit people. Imagine how bad it is for a celebrity where tons of stupid people go on there and write what an amazing guy he is and that he is their dream guy. Btw if you unfollow someone on Twitter do they get a notification?)

My point is whenever I get an email by mistake from Twitter saying so and so has a tweet for you (Twitter update) and his name comes up I get a horrible feeling in my stomach (nauseous) that lasts all day. Same thing if I check Facebook and see something that reminds me of him. My point is if you really want to feel good and feel liberated, remove them from any of your notifications, updates and never go on their Facebook wall even to peak. Doing so will bring you no good. Instead you will walk away confused, full of questions, upset and feeling over whelmed. Trust me these idiots continue posting and tweeting stuff they know you will read or hope you will read. Maybe some really don't care but I think most do - care that you see it. Don't give that satisfaction. I stopped posting stuff on my Facebook and when I do it is usually cute stuff at me at a party having fun (not drunk and looking stupid), cities I am traveling to, interesting articles. My posts are rare and well thought out. No bitter talk like your guy posted - how immature of him.. Always positive and funny.

You dodged a bullet with this guy. As MOA says thank your lucky stars. My friends ask me do you get upset when you think about your DM? I said not really...his loss not mine :) I know he will re-appear around the holidays and this time round not sure I will respond. MOA last year he sent a messaging saying "happy new year". Do you suggest we respond to DMs around holidays?; December 9, 2013 at 10:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 9, 10:31 AM,
"MOA last year he sent a messaging saying "happy new year". Do you suggest we respond to DMs around holidays?"

No, I don't. I don't subscribe to the concept of worrying about being nice - to someone that was ignorant to you and has yet to apologize for it and/or attempt to make amends. If someone treats you like that - they get NOTHING. They receive no response at all until they apologize or invite a "talk" to make amends of some sort. Let THEM worry about why YOU are not responding. And then maybe they'll see what needs done.

If you respond to these disappearing men that send out these lame "feeler" texts around the holidays, working on the angle that you're vulnerable and lonely enough to let them victimize you a second time, all you do is:

1) Encourage them to do that more often
2) Signal that no matter how bad they treat you, you'll still be there - being nice to them
3) Provide them with the reassurance that anytime they want you, regardless of how they've treated you, all they have to do is make a lame effort and send a three word text and BAM - you're right there, waiting
4) Open yourself up to possibly falling prey to their charms and being used, resulting in a second disappearance by the second week of January

You get what you give in this world. And if all you give is ignorance and rejection, then that's the harvest you've sown - and the one you shall reap.; December 9, 2013 at 11:22 AM
Countrygirl said...: Dear Mirror, although my DM vanished towards the end of September and unfortunately ( or fortunately ? ) I think he will remain gone, I just wanted to thank all the commentators, but especially you Mirror, for helping me to stick to my vow of silence. No weeping, wailing, texting, emails etc from me. With the words and thoughts of all you ladies I have kept my dignity and my self respect intact, so I thank you for that. It has been hard and will probably remain so for some time, but I know that I will carry on with my journey. I wish you all a happy Christmas from the UK. Thanks again Mirror. You are a star.

Yours Countrygirl; December 10, 2013 at 6:39 AM
Countrygirl said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; December 10, 2013 at 6:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
A MUST READ, gals:

10 Signs You're Dating a Psychopath

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/07/dating-a-psychopath_n_4378946.html

"Flattery like you've never heard before. Psychopaths move extremely quickly. On the first date, he'll probably tell you that you are stunningly beautiful, unbelievably intelligent, and uproariously witty. He will play into every fantasy and insecurity you have."

"Pity plays. Pay careful attention to what a psychopath says on the first few dates about his exes and other people in his life. Is his ex girlfriend crazy and stalking him? Did another girlfriend rob him blind?"

"Great sex. Everyone wants great sex, but those who have been with a psychopath often say it's the best thing they've ever experienced. A psychopath goes out of his way to please you."

"Silent treatment. Once psychopaths have you hooked after the "love bombing" and "idealization" phase, they then begin to devalue you. The first step in that is usually to give you the silent treatment over something. Psychopaths are also known to disappear for days at a time."

"Triangulation. Psychopaths love to work you up into a state of obsessive frenzy, so to do that, they idealize you, give you fabulous sex, and then begin pulling away and "triangulating." This is when they introduce other people into the mix to make you jealous."

"Discard. The final phase of the psychopath is the "discard" phase. After he sucks you in with idealization, then begins to devalue you, he will suddenly discard you as if you never had a relationship."

""Hoovering." Although a psychopath will discard you, he doesn't quite want you moving on either. If he senses you are done with him, he will suddenly do an about-face, and begin bombarding you with pleas to stay together. He will try to "Hoover" (named after the vacuum cleaning company) you back in by saying everything you've ever wanted to hear, making a million promises, and suddenly being on his absolute best behavior."

"The only way to get rid of a psychopath is to completely go no contact. It's the only thing that doesn't fuel his games and ego. He will make that difficult for you -- some psychopaths will stalk you, most will Hoover. But to engage him in any way, even just to tell him off, only leaves you open to more mind games, which he will win, because he has no feelings. "; December 10, 2013 at 9:04 AM
JD said...: Well, I reactivated my FB and this morning, guess he saw my posts..which none were targeted toward him. He unfriended me. I admit, I am hurt and I only had a feeling because I was looking at my friend count and it was lower. Gosh, does he hate me that much? I know I need not worry. But damn, like I wasted a year and I gave myself physically. Like you can just use someone then forget them like that? I never deserved that. He got hurt by me calling him a hit it and quit it, but gosh. :*-( I'm a little hurt right now. I know I'll get through but why would he unfriend me?

I mean I'm not going to die. LOL But it is prob because I deactivated my page for so long and he thought I blocked him then all of a sudden I reappeared?

OMgosh and we do have friends who are actually mutual friends of each other.

I feel very used.; December 10, 2013 at 4:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
Well, here's what's the funny thing about "unfriending" in this manner. . .it's an emotional reaction (which is why I advise women against doing it unless it's necessary for your sanity). When you react in that manner, it becomes apparent that. . .you're upset. And when you're upset, it becomes apparent that that's because. . .you care. And when you care. . .you tend to act emotionally. Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't react.

I'd call that a knee-jerk emotional reaction dear, that was most likely meant to take a "jab" at you (maybe even hoping you'd contact him in an attempt to find out why - but DON'T do that). Think about it, it's the same reason women do it to men - that they secretly WANT to speak to, but that aren't speaking to them, that's stirred their emotions over the matter as a result.

Get what I'm saying here?

"Gosh, does he hate me that much?"

Nope. It's simply an emotional reaction dear.

"Like you can just use someone then forget them like that?"

Regretfully dear, many people are capable of this, particularly sociopathic types. Which is why as a woman dating, you need to protect yourself from them by using filtering techniques, putting them through a "vetting" process and determining their level of authenticity via a lengthy observation process that takes place prior to sleeping with them. If you do not have these hurdles and barriers in place for people to push through to prove themselves to you - you're left with absolutely no protection.

"But it is prob because I deactivated my page for so long and he thought I blocked him then all of a sudden I reappeared?"

You'll never know dear, so don't waste any of your precious time, energy and resources attempting to figure it out. You know all you need to know - you know that he unfriended you, for whatever reason. And now, you can act accordingly to him should he resurface (which he very well may, never say never with these guys, LOL).

"I feel very used."

Don't. I know that's easier said than done, but don't absorb that feeling - push it away from you instead. He's a jag dear. He's not worthy of you. He didn't value you, he didn't appreciate you - and he doesn't deserve another ounce of your time, attention or thought. He has showed his true character as a man, and he has proved himself unworthy of a woman such as yourself.

And THAT my dear - is his loss - NOT YOURS.

All you lost here was a jag of a man that didn't appreciate you - who cares, there's no value in what he had to offer you in that anyway, ya' know? But him, yea he should care - because if he thinks this type of behavior is how you impress a woman, make a woman happy and keep her around. . .he's got an awful lot to learn about women then dear. And you can bet your bottom dollar, he'll meet one someday that's going to teach him that, and it won't be pretty for him. He's sown his karma. . .and eventually, he'll be forced to reap that harvest.; December 10, 2013 at 4:55 PM
chk61 said...: Sigh. Sorry to hear JD, you will feel better in time. Speaking from my own experience, it is very difficult to just turn off the obsessive thoughts, the wondering, the "what ifs". Trying to figure it out - WHY??? But indeed to heal, we must try not to pay these thoughts heed. We must practice extreme self-care in the periods when we feel fragile and "used" by these men who don't deserve our obsessing about them. We must really try to look at the situation as a positive, rather than a negative. We must think: "well, if he was the right man for me, this would NEVER have happened. And since I want joy, peace and mutual respect in my life, I must LET HIM GO...with love and compassion." Even if we think he doesn't deserve it, we must try to extinguish any lingering angry feelings and let him go f*ck up his life in whatever way he wants to. Because really, what HE chooses to do has very little to do with YOU. It has everything to do with HIM. Since it will come back to haunt him in one way or another, I think a Buddhist attitude helps: one of detachment. Tough to put into practice but detach and let him go with compassion. Practice extreme self-love and do whatever it takes to get YOU back. If that means taking time off, taking a bubble bath, taking a trip, trying a new recipe, lying around in bed watching movies or just doing nothing, posting your thoughts here, or trying something new out of your comfort zone...whatever it is. Also, remember that TIME is the great healer.

I never "friended" my D.M. nor did he "friend" me and I'm thankful I don't have to deal with that situation. I really miss the days before Facebook, internet dating, internet porn, cell phones, smart phones, Twitter, what have you. It was a kinder, gentler time (or at least it appeared to be). Civility, dignified break ups, dignified dating behaviors, compassion and respect for others, and just plain manners have gone the way of the dodo with the increasing coarsening of the culture. There have certainly always been jerks and cads but it has just gotten out of control with the rise of PUA, men's websites exhorting men to have women do all the pursuing, pay for dates, how to get laid by as many women as possible, dating sites that ask explicit sexual questions, etc. I believe the ready access to internet porn has dramatically affected the dating landscape (and I am not the only one to believe this, for sure). Have we come a long way, baby? I'm old enough to remember that Virginia Slims ad....sometimes I wonder if we've progressed at all. I am pleased, though, that smoking in public places, workplaces, hospitals, and schools is no longer allowed!

Speaking of my D.M., I'm coming up on 60 days of No Contact. I've peeked at him online, I can't deny that, but we have not had any email, text, phone contact (well, he never "called" me anyway, this 46 y.o. highly educated father of two - emailed and texted only...I think we spoke on the phone ONCE, at my suggestion).

I'm OK. Some days are harder than others. It is what it is and each day it will get easier. I need another break from internet dating so I decided to take my profile down until after the holidays and then decide if I want to try another site.

Tonight for my extreme self-care, since I haven't been feeling well for a few weeks, I am going to eat some leftover stew I made. I am going to have a small glass of wine and I am going to get off line and relax in bed and watch a movie. I teetered VERY close to a panic attack today while working home alone (which I do most days, am alone) and was able to breathe myself out of it. As I've said before, this menopause thing is...well, interesting!

Thanks Mirror, for your continued support and sage advice on this wonderful site.; December 10, 2013 at 6:08 PM
Scorpiolady said...: Hi JD,

I feel your pain and do hope you can move on and find happiness asap!

Don't worry about "wasting a year" or having given yourself away physically because a lot honestly, if you take away lessons and change and grow from this, it can become a destiny or fate of sorts - something that is meant to have happened so that you can gain a much larger awareness, strength etc! And I recall reading from a long time ago you gave your celibacy to this DM - but guess what, this one time you broke your celibacy hardly defines who you are, and you can always start again right now! You can build yourself up to be the woman you want to be right now.

I get a feeling that DM didn't mean to "use you" - I know he gave you assurances he knew how much it meant to you and he was going to treasure it and I understand that if he knows how much he's betrayed you, he would be a user with evil intent but the thing is, I get a feeling he doesn't. He doesn't know to the extent of how much it means to you, even if he's said it in words, I think he's too irresponsible to bother to make the effort to truly understand. So please don't waste anymore energy and resources on him because there isn't any reciprocity going on here (or at least one that's going to be nurturing and beneficial to you).

In the past year (my goodness, 2013 is coming to an end!), one of the things I've come to think is that the way to a man's heart is not in giving in to him (always going along with what he likes, prefers, etc... sexually or not), but a lot more importantly - is the emotional connection we ladies must make with the men. That's how we get them attached. We need to be playful and loads of fun, but also as importantly, their friend and confidant too, someone who understands them as a person. It needs to come before any sexual activity.

In my case, I'm working on opening up, dare to be emotionally vulnerable (the risk of being authentic) so that I can connect on a deeper level. I think I met someone who's as closed up as I am (lol), and I want to encourage him to share more with me too - it's the only way this, or any relationship, will work.

Cheers and lots of blessings!; December 10, 2013 at 7:54 PM
JD said...: That was another thing I did not expect from him--to unfriend me. But if you wanted to, you could BLOCK someone instead, right? Unless you wanted a chance of some contact. But I see it it makes sense, that him unfriending was an emotional reaction. Cause you'd think after 1 week shy of NC for 3 months, someone would not care, you know?

So much for the "whatever happens, I think we have enough respect for each other..." "I don't play with people's feelings." statements. Then like I mentioned in a previous post, he dares to post a status saying he has a lot of bitter women FB friends and that maybe the men should treat them right... Or the women should go take a look at themselves in the mirror. I mean, c'mon, really? But that's an "a-ha!" moment. So he does care...care enough to react and unfriend me. Cause if he didn't care and it didn't bother him, then he would've kept me on his list. But isn't that more of a move a woman would make?

I thought that maybe he was worried I'd expose his arse, but he should know that is not in my character. Then my cousin shared that it's maybe because after all of this went down (soon after I asked that "question") he took me removing myself from FB (never knew I actually deactivated it) as a sign of emotional weakness and as soon as he saw me posting again, decided to unfriend me. My other friend told me had I agreed to continue to be his long distant hook up, he would've kept me on the friends list. I had to speak to a few friends after to vent because I'm like uh oh, here we go again. Here comes these emotions.

Thank you for encouraging me to not feel used. I really should't feel that way. His behavior has just been SO cruel you know? Even though he has said "I am not cruel."

Well he unfriended me, so he'll have to request that one, bc I'm definitely not doing it. Now it's like I'm not sure if he's moving on or punishing me or both. But it's a clear indication, totally clear, on how I should continue to proceed.

It's like did I totally rub him the wrong way for him to take the initiative to unblock me? Cause I've seen him argue with a few people and looks like he didn't block them. But like you mentioned, guess he was trying to take a jab at me emotionally.

All I can think about is this graduation my niece will have in June. As I mentioned, his son is also graduating. I told my cousin I prob won't go if invited bu she said then I'd be giving him power if I don't go. So, if invited, (deep breath) I will go...with my chin up, chest out and head held high.

My trip is in 2.5 weeks. So I hope after I come back I will have a new sense of perspective..I hope it happens sooner.

In one of your earlier posts you mentioned if guys would just be honest and treat women right then we wouldn't have all these "effed up" women running around.; December 10, 2013 at 8:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, this is Anonymous from December 8 @ 1:49

I loved what you wrote back which gave me more confidence and keep telling myself to stay strong because this Aries is a handful LOL. Well after that text message I sent him and him acting like he wasn't just trying to get in touch with me again, we went on for almost two days with no contact. He ended calling me up, again. You were right, he was gonna come back LOL :) This time I ended up answering, which I kinda wish I didn't because it was soooooo draining talking to him. He would put the blame on me for not having enough time to see him and calling me the stranger because it's like I just disappeared LOL. He even asked me if I was seeing anyone else, or if he has any "competition". I told him I was just busy with school because it's finals and I've just been out with my friends. He would ask me what I wanted from him, what he was doing wrong, and even offered to spend time with me and my daughter. It's crazy how this guy is so hard to understand. He tells me that he likes me but acts nothing like it. He keeps beating around the bush about everything when I do ask him questions like he can't give me a straight up answer. He ended up hanging up on me and calling an hour later. At this point, I was not having it. He is TOO MUCH. Then he started saying how him calling me back was a mistake and AGAIN told me to delete his number and pictures. At this point I was real mad. So mad that I ended up yelling at him telling him that if he keeps telling me that, why does he keep calling me back, and not t to f***in call me back. Sorry but I was so pissed, and all he said was "Okay then." lol and hung up. LOL THEN AFTER THAT, he texted me to "keep the shitty gifts. alright peace girl, take care" LOL omg I can't. I texted him back saying that it was nice knowing him and that he shouldn't play games because nobody has time for that. He texted me back with a winky face and was like "Did I really play a lot of games??" And I just told him that nobody has time for that and I'm not gonna stay around with a guy who acts like a girl more than I do. Then he texted back saying things like "oh maybe this is best for us… PS if I see you around and you don't say hi, just take care"… This guy is really too much. He acts like such a baby and I think he's worse than I am. He probably has issues of his own but I hope his ass calls me back again LOL just so I can play his game. What should I do with this one? I do like him though LOL maybe it's just how he's interesting and I don't get him which I'm trying to do BUT it's really tiring and draining to figure this dude out. Please help? :(; December 10, 2013 at 10:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous from December 8 @ 1:49,
"What should I do with this one?"

LOL. . .sigh. Put him on the back burner dear. Because, as you've already sensed, dating a man like this - one that has NO CLUE what HE really WANTS - is totally draining, exhausting and depleting on your resources and energy. And when you're getting nothing positive back in return for all you're investing, it's simply not worth it dear. Leave him go off an be his ignorant, confused self. And when/if he figures out what he really wants and gets his act together and apologizes, then MAYBE (only maybe) you can consider responding to him at that time.

Based on his ACTIONS dear, he's severely emotionally immature and that disqualifies him as "relationship ready." He's got none of the traits required to have a healthy relationship. He's not willing to sacrifice, he's not willing to be understanding, he's not willing to handle things maturely, he throws jabs right and left that are meant to hurt you. . .he's a mess dear :-(

And when a man is that much of a mess emotionally - it's almost a guarantee that you'll get hurt. Because at the first sign of things not going his way, he throws painful jabs and takes actions meant to cause you pain. And who the hell wants that type of energy in their life 24/7, ya' know? Careful what you wish for here dear.

And don't worry about going off on him after his hang ups and repeatedly telling you not to contact him, it's over. . .and then him continuing to contact you and keep "battling" with you like the warrior Aries he is, LOL. He brought that one on himself from you (and he deserved to hear it, to hear that a woman will not tolerate his childishness and that - surprise - he's not that great. Not so great that a woman will overlook that type of deplorable treatment from a man just to be with him.)

Forget about this one for now and keep moving forward dear. He's full of idle threats - and chances are, this turd will return. . . .yet AGAIN, LOL ;-)

And when he does dear, DO NOT respond until you get an APOLOGY this time. He's behaved badly and now he deserves consequences for his actions. And those consequences for that type of treatment are - NO ACCESS TO YOU.

Let HIM think about what HE'S done here. Let HIM wonder why you're not responding. And let HIM realize what the right thing to do here is. And let HIM actually DO that. If he doesn't, then he's definitely not relationship material dear and dating a man like this would surely only drive you mad, reduce your self-esteem, cause you self-doubt, cause you stress, anxiety and worry. . .all he has to offer you right now, all he has to bring into your life right now. . .is a bunch of negative emotions. Don't welcome that into your life dear.

He has to come straight - or he gets nothing. He's got a lot of growing up to do.; December 11, 2013 at 9:50 AM
Pisces girl with Aries male experience said...: Dear Mirror,

Thank you so much for your response on the 5th of Dec, I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and reply :-)

I'm struggling to be strong today, and I can't even tell you why... Today thoughts are flooding through my mind again about the whole scenario between me and Aries... its almost as if I'm still not getting to the point of it like there is something I still need to learn or establish from what happened in order for everything to go click, and then I can just totally move on.

I havent reacted or done anything after his last 'likes' of my pictures. But, it has been very difficult as he has been posting some amazing pics lately of his travels, and its of a place that we once talked about going to, together... Guess its just a bit of nostalgia right? My mind is now really throwing me with thoughts of maybe he liked my pics, to see if I would like his, as a feeler to maybe first see if I'm open to him maybe contacting me? and maybe by me doing nothing now, it's ruining the chance of us ever speaking again...? Or is that just my womanly urge to 'do' something again?

But as you might remember, from my story at the end of July, about 5months after he dissapeared on me I reached out to him but stayed strong through verbal and face to face contact and didnt give in to his lame attempts to get me over to his place.. So basically to recap, when I reached out to HIM to see if we could connect again as friends, he first tried getting another girl to go out with him, thus treating me as an option, secondly he never really tried having a conversation with me, simply tried to get me over to his place, (could it be that he was just trying to avoid a 'talk' until we saw each other? and lastly after only a very brief meeting, his last text to me said " was lovely seeing you again, perhaps we could be alone together again and take our time this time, we could meet at my place a little later if you like ;) " All that was very poor treatment though wasnt it?? and its still requires some sort of apology or at least an attempt at real contact tho, even after yet another 5months after that, right???? I dont know why but its almost as if i want to say, whatever with all that, I just want to move on, and if that means just being 'like' buddies on social media, then so be it... then at least it wont have to feel like i'm playing games, ( which I know I'm not, because I'm actually just trying to protect myself from an emotional fallout) but what if that's how he sees it, that I'm playing games by not returning any likes???

As you can see its not a quiet day in my head, maybe its just a bad day... is it just me or do other women also experience days where things play all over in their minds again, even many months later, even after actually being quite over it?

Anyway I've decided to take action against it and go out with a friend tonight, need some giggles I think :-); December 11, 2013 at 12:37 PM
JD said...: hi all, I will respond to the replies you all have made in a bit after my Zumba and running session. But a frien d of mine brought up the possibility that maybe he unfriended me a long time ago and that it was an autom atic thing as soon as I reactivated my account. But I knew I was still on his list after I reactivated it so we put it to the test.

Ok, so I had my friend unfriend me and request a Friend Add and I accepted, and she was added onto my list. So I was able to see her profile. Then she deactivated her account. And I still saw her on my friends list and was able to click her name and have the option to unfriend her. That's what I did. So while someone was on your list, even though they deactivated their account, FB will tell you and give you the option to unfriend them then. She reactivated her account and tried to find me on her friends list, but couldn't. She had to request another add from me.

So, unfriending a deactivated account IS automatic. But in my case as soon as I reactivated my account, we were still Friends, I even had to uncheck the 'Show in Newsfeed' option on his account because I didn't want to see any of his 'likes' comments, or status updates.

It was in the early afternoon I found out my friend count was lower (only have less than 200) and that he was no longer on my list.

So he DID unfriend me after he found out my account was reactivated. :-/

I just had to put that to the test. And ow you guys know in case you think your mind is playing tricks on you. So, confirmation, he did want to "jab" me and perhaps it was out of a knee-jerk reaction.

Going to Zumba now. Then run this stress off.; December 11, 2013 at 12:57 PM
Anonymous said...: @JD my heart goes out to you. I have been following your posts and like everyone said the fact that you got physical with him doesn't change who you are. You were a trusting, loving, and honest person who felt like breaking your celibacy for this guy would bring you maybe closer. It didn't and this guy reacted in a very immature way. Here is my 2 cents on social media. Do not react when something happens. Don't inactive your account, delete someone, don't post bitter messages or post pics who are obviously trying to get his attention. My friend deleted her guy only to by mistake add him again when checking his profile out on Facebook which actually made him call her, get back to her and eventually propose to her (well after she practically asked him to marry her because when he came around again she told him I want to be married what do you want? I wouldn't recommend this and neither would MOA. Anyways your reaction was considered "bitter" by him. Btw make sure you check that he really did delete you. I have had this happen to me where I assumed guy disappeared only to see it was another friend who deleted their account. Make sure his account is still active if you find out he deleted you. Note if he checked and saw you deleted your account Facebook allows you to delete the friend which is what he did. Most people are sneaky and do this so they can secretly spy on their ex on Facebook which is why FB changed this to allow people to remove you from Facebook. Don't think too much about why, when and how he deleted you because you will drive yourself crazy.

My DM just appeared tonight and breakthrough ladies!!!! I didn't feel much. Maybe a little emotional which lasted 5 minutes if that. I saw his name online first in 3 months. I was online but instead I walked away made dinner and hung out with mom as we worked on the Xmas tree. Before I would have sat there staring at the screen hoping he would say hi. I would post pics to get his attention because he would see it in his news feed if he is on FB chat. Pathetic! Or I would say hi first to him hoping to get a conversation going or even send him cute pic. Well in 3 months I have grown a LOT. I have developed emotionally a great deal. This blog here has been a huge factor in that development. Wow! In the time he was gone I used this time to have fun, grow my business and even fully understand this whole relationship that me and him had going - which I figured out was a waste of my time and feelings. It was basically "nothing". He doesn't have the power over me that he had. It was awful feeling so weak. If I had seen this blog before I would have played my cards very very differently. Ladies be strong during this holiday season and whenever you feel down or like you are about to have an anxiety/panic attack occupy yourself. Best therapy is to be around positive "happy" people. Like tonight I am going to make a huge pot of tea and watch my favorite TV show with my mom and grandma.

@chk61 I am following your posts. I am sorry you had that panic attack when working at home. Try to be around people helps a ton. I would take your laptop if you can and go sit at Starbucks or Coffee Bean. I swear you will laugh as you people watch and YOU may even meet someone cool. Just make sure you give off the vibe of "This girl is on fire" and open to meeting her man :))) It is okay to peak at his online profile because in no time you won't care to because you would have moved on. Meeting someone nice will make you look back and laugh at this guy who will probably still be online while you are out living your life!; December 11, 2013 at 1:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces girl with Aries male experience,
"I'm still not getting to the point of it like there is something I still need to learn or establish from what happened in order for everything to go click, and then I can just totally move on."

That's not very realistic dear. Because the reality is that that rarely, if ever, happens. And when even more information is gained. . .it usually just results in MORE questions.

"I havent reacted or done anything after his last 'likes' of my pictures. But, it has been very difficult as he has been posting some amazing pics lately of his travels, and its of a place that we once talked about going to, together... Guess its just a bit of nostalgia right? My mind is now really throwing me with thoughts of maybe he liked my pics, to see if I would like his, as a feeler to maybe first see if I'm open to him maybe contacting me? and maybe by me doing nothing now, it's ruining the chance of us ever speaking again...? Or is that just my womanly urge to 'do' something again?"

I think if you couldn't see any of this on social media, you'd be a lot happier and more content. As I stated previously, more information generally results in MORE questions - not answers. Look at how many questions your mind generated above - from just seeing a few pics on social media, ya' know? Questions that wouldn't be there had you not seen those images. At this point, I'd suggest that you remove his updates from your feed for peace of mind.

"I reached out to HIM to see if we could connect again as friends, he first tried getting another girl to go out with him, thus treating me as an option, secondly he never really tried having a conversation with me, simply tried to get me over to his place, (could it be that he was just trying to avoid a 'talk' until we saw each other? and lastly after only a very brief meeting, his last text to me said " was lovely seeing you again, perhaps we could be alone together again and take our time this time, we could meet at my place a little later if you like ;) " All that was very poor treatment though wasnt it??"

Definitely. He's inviting you over to be a booty call - he's not inviting you out on a real date to treat you like a lady :-( He's being a weasel.

"i want to say, whatever with all that, I just want to move on, and if that means just being 'like' buddies on social media, then so be it"

I don't think you're strong enough yet emotionally to be "just buddies" with this man. Look at what simply seeing up updates and receiving a few likes on FB did to your progress? It's completely set you back into a sea of anxiety, confusion, worry and self-doubt :-( Not healthy for you dear.

"what if that's how he sees it, that I'm playing games by not returning any likes???"

Somehow, I just don't think men analyze a few likes or non-receipt of likes on FB as much as women do. I doubt he's sitting around dwelling on it dear :-( There's no law on FB that says when you receive likes, they must be reciprocated. So for a man to view not receiving likes as a game - is a bit ridiculous and immature as there no law that say's they must be received back.

Cont. . .; December 11, 2013 at 2:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "is it just me or do other women also experience days where things play all over in their minds again, even many months later, even after actually being quite over it?"

As you can see from the comments here dear, many women do this and feel this way during times of transition and change. But you have to help yourself - and one way to do that, is to remove this man from your feed. You don't have to unfriend him, you can simply set it so that his updates don't show on your feed.

If you do that, you'll find peace of mind again. Because this whole FB thing is really setting you back and creating a lot of confusion, over-analyzing, anxiety, worry - a ton of negative emotions for you dear. If you don't remove yourself from that and take control, it's going to continue keeping you in this mental head space.

"Anyway I've decided to take action against it and go out with a friend tonight, need some giggles"

I think that's very wise dear :-); December 11, 2013 at 2:33 PM
Anonymous said...: @JD so the ass....unfriended you, his loss of friends not yours. You have mutual friends right? So keep acting normal and comment and liking pics like you normally do. If you want him to check your page without friending you that's also a setting :)

Think of it this way, he made it easier for you to not have to see his news updates on your Wall so he did you a favor.

Again I urge you to not waste time and emotions on him when you could be spending and investing somewhere else. The second you find another guy, this douche will be coming back around and if he doesn't who cares.

Losing these DMs is like dodging a bullet....; December 11, 2013 at 3:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Ladies I just thought of this now so I thought I would share with you. Sometimes I think these DMs seriously are too chicken sh&^ to even know what to say after they have disappeared for weeks or months. I know I feel this way when I do it to girlfriends. I mean it can be awkward..."sorry I was an ass and disappeared". Saying they were busy is just a lame excuse. I sometimes think they are too scared that we will go psycho and bite their head off. Not making excuses for them but when I saw my DM online after 3 months I kind of laughed.

What do you guys think?; December 11, 2013 at 3:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Since Thanksgiving the fool has text me twice..LOL Last week the donkey said he was returning a couple cds i let him burn and that he could put them in mailbox if that was ok with him. I ignored him. Today he sends a text with a website link to consolidate student loans. Yet another fishing expedition. I am gonna continue to ignore his tail. I don't have time for foolishness....; December 11, 2013 at 7:34 PM
JD said...: Hi everyone,

well I think I will be posting more often, just cause I feel you all "get this" and thank you so much for your responses. I do read the other posted comments and replies, too. Well last night, I had a much needed crying session. It didn't last as long as one of the first ones when I didn't hear from him until after 6 weeks. LOL But I needed to do it. Felt better afterwards. It's so funny how what someone does can trigger that pain in you, like actual pain. This DM and I weren't even together, you know?

MOA, I have a feeling that you're right. I really didn't lose much. Yes, he's almost 10 yrs my senior. But age isn't a deal breaker for me, but I think someone who would be 20 yrs older is kinda pushing it for me ;-) Yes, he has his own home (which cause I've been there, is a modest 2-bedroom), yes he has a car, yes he's employed (but 2 jobs), yes he's a great father, son, grandson, etc. but maybe not a great partner. Ok, and it stops there. WHAT ELSE? I still have visions and dreams. Does he have visions and dreams he wants to accomplish? Does he know who he is? Does he feel he has a purpose in life or is he just living day to day?

For the rest of my life, I want to live it with purpose. I want it to be enriched and fulfilled with many great things. My life wasn't perfect growing up. But I've gotten over many bad things that went on. Including a divorce--including having to deal with separation and divorce and (at the time) my oldest just turning 2 and my youngest just being born. So why am I getting hurt all over again? I should be able to bounce back from this. But ok, kind of sidetracked there. I'm saying, was the man who I really thought would make a great mate and Father for my kids? Would he believe and support my dreams?

MOA, why would he take that "jab"? To hurt me?

Chk61, it is difficult to turn off the obsessive thoughts, but I think we just have to start making ourselves speak positive even if we don't feel like it. Eventually it will get into our spirit and we will start believing it.

It's so funny and sad at the same time at what FB can do to you!; December 11, 2013 at 8:13 PM
JD said...: (continued)

Scorpiolady, I do feel that what I'ev been through will not be wasted. There is something great that will happen from all of this. I believe it will lead me to the man I am destined to be with. A man who can be part of my purpose in life, one who will fit without me having to work to keep him. LOL I do believe it's the emotional connection you need to establish a meaningful relationship with a man. MOA mentioned it before, as others in my life have also...friendship is important and slow and steady wins the race. I thought him knowing my history with my divorce indicated that I don't like to play games. BTW, vulnerability, I believe is not always a weakness. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and great things can be produced from it, but you've got to ask yourself if it's worth being vulnerable to (as in a man).

@anonymousDecember 11, 2013 at 1:28 PM

He did unfriend me AFTER I reactivated my account. Because right after I activated it, I was able to go on his profile and uncheck the 'show in newsfeed' option. I had a previous post about testing whether it is automatic that they delete you when your account is deactivated. And yes it is automatic...but in my case, we were still 'Friends' cause I was able to uncheck the 'show in newsfeed' notifications on his page. It was later that afternoon I found out he unfriended me. So I know he saw my posts--which had NOTHING to do with him or what happened and maybe some comments I posted on my actual friends' photos and statuses which weren't flirtatious in nature when I posted on my guy friends' walls. I did post a pic I took at an NFL game from near the touchdown because I have a friend whose relative married an NFL player. Not that I'm seeing an NFL player! LOL

I didn't know him finding out earlier that my account was deactivated, made me look "bitter". I just did it for my sanity. I have not harassed him or called him like crazy or texted him like crazy. I left him alone. BTW, on some mobile phones, my relative told me she could not find me on her Friends list, so I guess it doesn't appear on some phones. But DM had the chance to search my name on his Friends List and deactivate me then, or even BLOCK me. Unless he couldn't find me in the Search bar. You're not able to find someone in the search box if they deactivated their account. You need to look at your actual friends list on your own account.

Just so you all know :-)

MOA: that screenshot is hilarious. That's a good one I may use in the future if I need to. LOL; December 11, 2013 at 8:13 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA funny how social media has been coming up more and more often on here. I posted on here about my DM making an appearance again yesterday and today online. I posted some pics of my friends and I on a celebrity wall at an event and he "liked" the pics. Now the old me would have been so excited that he is back! After a few likes I would have messaged him the "how have you been, where have you been, miss you blah blah...". This time I held my own and didn't start a conversation with him. But quite honestly deep down I hope he does message me so I can get him back with NC. He may never message me and that's fine too, probably easier and less drama. But man if he does this time I am armed :) with information and rules.

MOA if I am not mistaken these idiots seem to think it is okay to come back over and over again after disappearing for 3 months or even more. Do you think they do this stuff such as Like a pic on FB to show us look nothing has happened we are still here?; December 12, 2013 at 6:29 AM
Pisces girl with Aries male experience said...: Hi Mirror,

Thank you very much, i'm so grateful that I could let all that out here yesterday, and I totally agree I need to remove him from my newsfeed to get my peace of mind back again. Which I did on FB, however this was all on Instagram which makes it a bit tricky cos one has to unfollow someone to remove them from ones feed... But I'll just go to my favourites individually to see there new posts instead of my news feed for a while.

But unfortunately this morning when I browsed thru instagram I somehow accedentaly double clicked on one of his pics while I was scrolling down my feed... which liked it... damnit! I really value your advice and felt stronger again this morning and really did not intend on liking any of his posts or having any sort of contact with him.

Guess I've just lost this battle... but whether I did or not, I know that I'm not a loser and I know I will protect myself againts fools and weasels in future and in fact, he will be the bigger loser if he continues to treat woman the way he treated me... I will be more careful next time and when my mind starts playing up again I'll just remind myself that ignorance is bliss :)

So thanks again for your time Mirror! You totally rock! :-)

Oh and the ex-texts post, very funny:); December 12, 2013 at 7:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 11, 3:58 PM,
I imagine that fear of an emotional reaction definitely exists. However, that also tells you something else about them. . . .they KNOW what they've done is wrong.

Which is why when they attempt to pass off these lame excuses on you - it's best not to grant the benefit of doubt. And if it makes them feel awkward well, too bad, because it SHOULD make them feel awkward and it should make them feel bad, ya' know?

At least when you "feel" something, you're reminded that you're still human - and not a troll, LOL ;-); December 12, 2013 at 8:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"MOA, why would he take that "jab"? To hurt me?"

Stuff like that is usually a knee jerk reaction dear (just as it is when women do it). And generally, when behaving like that, you regret those uncontrollable actions later. There's a good chance he reacted and he may even regret it by now. But that's okay dear, that's how people learn, he needs to experience some regret and you need not worry about him.

You're hurting dear because you're suffering rejection and as social creatures, rejection is one of the most painful forms of loss human beings experience. Being socially rejected, in any manner, causes humans great pain and suffering. As social creatures, we all strive for acceptance from others. It acts as an unseen lifeblood to our existence. Isolation is the opposite of that and it's painful. Which is why when you're suffering like this - don't isolate yourself further. Get on out there and live a little, force yourself if you have too. Force yourself to be around others and to be social and you'll be distracted long enough to gain perspective and feel a bit better.

"we just have to start making ourselves speak positive even if we don't feel like it"

Very true - because your thoughts become your words, and your words become your actions, and your actions become your habits, and your habits become your values - and your values become your destiny.

I don't think women realize that your thoughts manifest ladies. Truly they do. If you think it - you will be it. When you pay tons of heed to negative emotions and you dwell in them without forcing yourself out of them - you are basically pumping those negative thoughts full of energy. . .you're breathing life into them. You've got to keep your thoughts as pure as possible. Because unconsciously, you're behavior is associated with them. I know it's hard, but once you practice this, it becomes much easier to control.

And the best way to attempt to control those thoughts is. . .once you've spent more than 5 minutes in that head space. . .you get up. You get up and you get active. I don't care what it is. Clean your home, cook dinner, pet your dog, go for a walk, work on a hobby, read a book, call a girlfriend, call your mom, go shopping. . .just DO something. Get active and throw yourself into a distraction that's physical and that can help you burn off the anxiety in a healthy manner. (Instead of that "doing" something ending up with you calling/texting him only to be rejected all over again.)

Everything happens for a reason dear. There was a valuable lesson in this for you and whether you realize it or not, that has great value. When those lessons are tough, it's hard to appreciate them for the tremendous gift they are. . .but someday, you'll realize what a tremendous gift this experience was for you. You'll realize that it shaped you into a new woman, a better version of yourself (not that anything was wrong with you, I simply mean a "wiser" version is all), and you'll be thankful for that dear.

Trust in all that life has to offer you dear. Because sometimes the most valuable experiences we have. . .are the ones that hurt us the most. Sometimes life comes along and hammers each one of us into a new version of ourselves. Yes, the experience is painful, but much like receiving a tattoo. . .in the end, there's a beautiful and amazing work of art :-); December 12, 2013 at 8:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 12, 6:29 AM,
"MOA if I am not mistaken these idiots seem to think it is okay to come back over and over again after disappearing for 3 months or even more. Do you think they do this stuff such as Like a pic on FB to show us look nothing has happened we are still here?"

I had an ex once tell me that he viewed dating like a sport, a competition. It was a challenge to be the man out of all his friends to score the girl - even if he didn't particularly like her all that much. [Cringe] But that's the reality dear, many men, especially young emotionally immature men, view it like this even if they don't realize it.

So when you take that perspective and you view it much like a game, and then you combine that with an online experience (like FB) - it feels even more "unreal" and even more of a "game" of sorts, ya' know? It's easy for these guys to detach and view it like that, particularly once you combine it with an online experience. It's almost like they can't help themselves from participating.

And the only time they think it's okay to come back over and over again is when - you let them. They know what they've done is wrong, but then they "fish" and throw out a line to see if you'll bite. And when they disappear and you "bite" and you welcome them back with open arms and shower them with your attention and amp up your attempts to stay on their radar without requiring an apology, you basically signal that it's okay to treat you poorly - because you'll still be there. Deep down they know it's wrong, but when YOU are okay with it, you relieve them of that "wrong" feeling.

That stuff on FB is a "fishing" expedition dear. Consider the "like" a fishing line in the water with bait on it (and a hidden hook once you bite.) It's their way of testing whether or not you're going to be okay with accepting them back. And once you bite, they set the hook, reel you in. . .and many times, skin you and throw you on high heat on the grill (for round two). Which is why it's best not too read too much into that behavior from them and not to react to it as well.; December 12, 2013 at 8:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces girl with Aries male experience,
"he will be the bigger loser if he continues to treat woman the way he treated me"

You have no idea dear - how very true that sentiment is. I've seen it, witnessed it firsthand. I know MANY men, MANY men, that were complete turds to women when young. . .and as they got older, they soon realized that as women mature, they do NOT accept this type of treatment from men as willingly or naively as they did when they were in their 20's. Especially when, as a woman, you can independently support yourself these days and you don't have "needs" like that from them.

I've seen many a man, hit say their mid 30's, and then all of a sudden, women begin tossing them right and left for being treated poorly by them. They smugly laugh it off and think it's a glitch of some sort in the dating time warp that's temporary. "Oh it was just her, she's nuts is all." But then 40 fast approaches and guess what? They soon realize, it wasn't a glitch - maturity has set in and they're now dealing with independent women that are a bit wise to the game and that don't need to put up with crap to have a man in their life.

They soon realize - the bar has been set a bit higher for them. . .and they're struggling to reach it.

By the time their in their early 40's, many of them refuse to accept this reality - and around that time, enters "mid life crisis" behavior, where many of them due to their refusal, begin to react to this reality by behaving like a 20's something year old boy all over again. I think they figure that if they just push through, things will go back to the way they were. By their late 40's and early 50's they either realize that isn't so and straighten up a bit. . .or simply stay "stunted" emotionally as a young boy.

Many enter their late 40's and early 50's emotionally "stunted" and refusing to accept that the bar has been set a bit higher. They fail to rise to the challenge and instead, end up the older single jackass in the room. The one that's making offensive comments about women and acting like he doesn't need them and they're just tools as a means to an end for them, etc. They turn into the buffoon in the room.

Then comes their 60's and oh no. . .they've suffered say, a heart attack. And they end up in the hospital and guess what? NO ONE is there with them. They're sent home and then they enter their recliners, what I like to call their "shoulda, woulda, coulda" chair - and many sit, think and drink.

And find themselves ALL ALONE, experiencing a huge setback without anyone by their side. . .and they think and they think and they think. And that's when they realize that they "shoulda" done this, if only they "woulda" done that, if they "coulda" just did this.

Many won't admit that openly. . .but you can see it written on their foreheads nonetheless.

And that's the future that an arrogant, immature player - gets to look forward to dear. The day comes when you pay the piper and you reap that harvest you've sown over your lifetime. No one can escape their karma.; December 12, 2013 at 9:06 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous Dec 12, 6:29 AM

MOA I love you! I met a loser DM about 2 years ago around April 2012. Anyways we have been going back and forth on this stupid cat and mouse game that you all talk about here. He disappeared and reappeared a few times but this last time he disappeared for about 3 months which is when I found this blog! I honestly thought this would be the last time I would hear from him. Well yesterday I posted on here that he liked my pics. Well today he liked more of my pics and guess what messaged me "hi pretty lady". It has been months since he has messaged me first. Our relationship started with me liking him as a friend (even though I was very into him) so he started chasing me. I got carried away and started initiating. Bad move ladies never do it. Well everytime he would disappear I would get so upset, cry, feel lost, isolated, felt like I lost. Well after I read this blog I decided that if and when DM came back again this time I was going to do this differently :) Well MOA congratulations you deserve a medal because your way is the right way. It was hard not to respond and say I miss you, where have you been, wasup cutie like I always do but I knew it was worth it to not jump so I didn't react or respond to his message today. He may not write me again who knows and he may :) At least I feel better that it was HIM and not me who messaged him first and got crickets/no response! Ironically I went to a psychic about a year ago and she told me a lot of things and one of them was if there was one thing she would do different it would be to not message him as much, 2 messages for me to respond with 1 :)

MOA thanks for your response on psychics. Yeah I thought about it it would make no sense for her to just tell me things she didn't see (remember I said in middle of reading she checked her phone and I thought she Googled my guy quickly (his information is on there since he is an actor) when I asked her she said she was checking the time. My friend told me psychics can pick up on what you are thinking, so she may have just picked up on what's on your mind but not what is out there. I don't think this is the case. This is someone who works with the law enforcement department to help with homicide cases. I don't know but I hope that she gave me a reading based on what she saw out there. She did ask me questions and did tell me things which I said no or yes to before she gave me the details that she did about my guy (gives me goosebumps when I remember).

Thanks again MOA and I am going to continue this NC rule till I see that he does apologize. This guy is a Taurus and I am a Capricorn :) we will see who is more stubborn.; December 12, 2013 at 5:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 12, 6:29 AM,
Regardless of what happens here dear. . .give yourself a big pat on the back. This is a big milestone for you and you're already feeling the effects of standing up for yourself and looking out for yourself - and how wonderful they can be to boost your self-esteem and confidence.

Hold onto that feeling dear - don't let it go. Bask in the good feelings and emotions of doing what's best for yourself here - and get used to them. Once you do, once you learn how good it can make you feel and the benefits that come with that (and the knowledge that you're no longer going to let someone hurt you or treat you poorly). . .you will NEVER, and I repeat NEVER. . .settle for less from a man ever again dear :-); December 12, 2013 at 6:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And ladies, might I add. . .based on the story just shared above about receiving "likes" on Facebook and then when no reaction is granted because of them - BOOM. . .next comes the contact. . .I think this clarifies what we've all been tossing around here in this thread lately.

Those types of actions from men. . .are generally, a "fishing" expedition. One that's meant to have you "bite" on the bait (his action of "liking" something of yours) - and then contact them because you're all giddy over it. Men EXPECT that type of an emotional reaction from women and they use these little "fishing" techniques to their advantage, so they don't have to barely lift a finger.

Don't be the woman that is "predictable" to them. Instead, be the woman that is unpredictable. The woman that DOESN'T react emotionally and "on cue" for them as they expect.

Be different. Be challenging. Be strong. And most of all - just continue being YOU - and forget about what THEY expect and/or want from you, LOL ;-); December 12, 2013 at 6:12 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and all,

I have a date with Plumber tomorrow night -- first time meeting him. He's driving 45 minutes to my town, we're going to have dinner. I just went back into Match to see his pic and to read his profile so that I'll be familiar tomorrow night. (I haven't been on Match all week; been so busy).

Why am I writing this on the "Disappearing" blog?

Can you guess Ms. Mirror?

I had a feeling about this today... and I KNEW it. I knew once I was REALLY moving on, closing the old chapters and feeling good about moving on and truly looking forward instead of backward that this would happen.

While I was on Match reviewing Plumber, SCORPIO text me. And coincidentally enough, this is 1 yr to the night that I told him I was mad at him, he POOF'd, which led me to the internet to look for info on "disappearing men" and found this site. (How do I know it's one year? Because I did something stupid (yet funny for the people watching) on this day one year ago on the way to work and wrote about it on my FB page, and I just happened to be reading it yesterday and noted the date.)

Scorpio's text was wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and said he's been thinking about me. (Just like you had explained earlier Ms. Mirror -- these guys think they can use the holidays to get back into our beds.)

Ugh! Thanksgiving was 2 weeks ago.

I am not going to respond to Scorpio. I am going to meet Mr. Plumber tomorrow night; I am going to go with the mindset to just have fun and meet a new man. And, oh, how I hope he's a genuinely good man.

Wish me luck! ;-); December 12, 2013 at 9:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
Did I screw up? I have had a DM in my life for two years. This last disappearance was the worst, as he brought me on his life to spend time with his two sons and pets, etc. Then, six weeks ago--gone. Nothing. I saw him at the gym a month later and completely ignored him. Then today, after 6 weeks of NC, I texted him asking if he could please drop of some belongings I had left. I told him to leave them in the garage. He texted back, "Sure! No prob." I was expecting some note of remorse, "let's talk" etc. But nothing. I feel discarded. Should I not have texted about my belongings? I kind of wanted my stuff back to cut all ties, but his response made me feel even worse as he was not moved to explain his behavior or apologize. Thanks for your perspective.; December 12, 2013 at 9:33 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA I want to add to your last comment posted above on Dec 12, 2013 at 6:12pm

Ironically things can change for you ladies at anytime and the game is always changing. In my case this DM used to reappear and he would like pics of mine and like MOA said I would get all giddy and wait maybe a day or 2 if that before contacting him. This time because I was armed with this blog I did not. Ironically this time he didn't even wait 2 days. He waited 1 day before initiating contact. So the game is always changing you have to be patient. I don't intend to write him back even though I won't lie I am tempted to say how is this project you are working on or what's up but before he shows me respect and remorse for disappearing for so long I am going bask in the wonderful last comment he sent me which in his own words said "pretty lady" because that's what I am A LADY so he should treat me like one. We shall see what this Taurus does next...would be very interesting if he sends another message for me to respond.

MOA I think you said leave their message unopened right? If I click on it it shows when the message was seen :); December 13, 2013 at 7:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"Scorpio's text was wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. . .Ugh! Thanksgiving was 2 weeks ago."

I laughed out loud when I read that one. He's seeking a "horizontal holiday hug" LOL! Checking in too see if you're lonely due to the holidays and attempting to see if maybe, just maybe, you've changed your mind about an "arrangement" with him ;-) Only being a slight bit more manipulative this time by throwing something a tad emotional in there "said he's been thinking about me." Sure, he's been thinking about you - but he failed to tell you WHAT EXACTLY he's been thinking. Many women might interpret that as, "Oh he's thinking about me, he must feel something for me." But the reality may simply be that - he's thinking about having sex with you. Either way, it doesn't matter. Give this other guy a shot. Scorpio had his shot, he's made it very clear what he's seeking from you, and you passed on the arrangement. I doubt any of that has changed. Besides, you can always respond in a few days - or not at all, LOL.

I'm very happy for you dear. This is going to be a "real" date and I want you to simply enjoy that. Don't worry, don't stress and don't pretend to be real peaches and cream nicey-nice. Be YOURSELF, your true self. Disagree if need be, have an opinion of your own, say no if you have to - and be authentic.

I really hope this is the beginning of something very enjoyable and very nice for you dear :-); December 13, 2013 at 8:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 12, 9:33 PM,
You're only little snafu here dear was this, "I was expecting some note of remorse." Disappearing men are. . .disappearing men. They are men that let you down and rudely disappoint you. And when a man does it repeatedly, chances are, he's never going to suddenly impress you :-(

Unfortunately, you cannot expect much from a disappearing man, or any man really for that matter. Meaning, when you have really high expectations, in any situation in life, you actually increase the likelihood of experiencing disappointment. Which is why it's best to go into dating situations expecting very little and instead OBSERVING - the mans ACTIONS and behavior.

Contacting him again has set you back. But it's okay. You recovered once and you can recover again. Just protect yourself, do not communicate with him any further and maybe even forget about your stuff if possible. If you loose out on a few things, consider it the small price to pay for ridding him from your life. It's only stuff and it's replaceable. However, things like your confidence and self-esteem are harder to replace. So forget the stuff and focus on yourself instead.

And here's what you need to realize here dear. THIS WORKED for you. Whether you realize it or not, NC has actually worked and now. . .you have your answer about him dear. It may not be the answer you were hoping for, but it's an answer nonetheless. Accept that answer dear, and cut him out of your life so that you can move forward, free of him, to meet a man that will appreciate you, instead of string you along for two years.

This is actually a good thing dear. You deserve better, much better than this and now - YOU ARE FREE to GO OUT AND GET IT. Get what I'm saying? His behavior here has freed you from this situation that you've been stuck in for two years. Now. . .you're free to fly dear. So spread your wings and take flight, and fly far, far away from him :-); December 13, 2013 at 8:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 13, 7:56 AM,
"MOA I think you said leave their message unopened right?"

I would. . .because YOU are just SO busy (wink wink). . .so many people appreciate you and demand your time that HE has to take a back seat to YOUR busy lifestyle. . .he can wait - on that back burner ;-); December 13, 2013 at 8:37 AM
chk61 said...: Wow. I just composed a long entry about my D.M., essentially recounting how I met him last Christmas 2012 (Dec 10th) and how the red flags were already flying after the third date, and how I projected all my fantasies onto him and how he was rude to me on the 4th date (January 4th of this year) but I rewarded his bad behavior because I was attracted to him. I went into some great detail...but then somehow, like my D.M., poof....my entry disappeared.

And now, I take that as an omen. I wasted another 15-20 minutes of my life composing an entry here about this D.M. after wasting most of 2013 on this man who disappeared from my life. He doesn't deserve this much of my emotional energy and I think the Universe just let me know that - again. Wow.

OK. My D.M. is now a Ghost of Christmas Past. He is gone from my life and he's not coming back. 2014 is a new year. I rarely make resolutions but for 2014, he is firmly, firmly in the past. Seriously, that was a sign that I need to stop giving this man free rent space and any more of my energy. It's over.; December 13, 2013 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: @chk61

I just read your comment above. Yup maybe it was truly a sign that like he disappeared the entry about him also disappeared. I honestly think you have given it your all time and effort wise. I think you said you waited a year for him to come back. I could be wrong but MOA could probably chime in here but the longer a DM disappears the less likely he will be back, the less he cares about you unfortunately which is why MOA says make him work for it...turn him from a DM to a caring man!

Great New Years resolution. Be open and hang out in places where people can see you! Also the online thing is not so bad, I have a ton of friends who met terrific men on there. Find the ones which are specific for what you want like JDate, ChristianSingles etc...; December 13, 2013 at 5:24 PM
Gemini50 said...: Hi Ms. Mirror and all, (1 of 2)

Well, went out on the date with Plumber from Match. Yes, it is all good practice… He was pretty stuck on himself. Poor guy. He had to be right about everything. Even though, throughout the evening, he commented how comfortable he is with the online dating process and meeting women, I got the feeling he was terribly on guard, had to be on-point with everything and measuring everything I said.

In the middle of the date, he actually said he was “keeping points.” At first I didn’t understand what he meant. I just laughed it off, saying, “Well, I must have about a million.” When I saw how serious he was, I understood and said, “Really? You’ve got a plus and minus column going on?”

He coyly said, “Yes, don’t you?”

I said, “Nope. I am just out on a date with a man who I happened to meet from Match.”

I honestly don’t know if his reaction was of disappointment or relief.

It seems like HE was taking this like a job application.

He kept talking about Match, Match, Match… what he’s experienced with it (booooring topic for me), and how he’s handled each situation, etc.

We talked about other things as well, and like I said above, he had to be right about everything. He also “dropped” the fact that he thinks he still has his first communion money, has a very large house, blaa, blaa, blaa.

At the end of the date, he walked me to my car, didn’t try to kiss me or anything… touched my shoulder as I got into my car, and I “booked.” Lol

Last night I was thinking about this date and my growth in this life. Because of the poor decisions I made as a teen, I became pregnant @ 18 by a man who was NOT a good man. I married him, had 2 babies, experienced the disappearing act from him over and over again, I left at 22 with my toddlers and divorced him. My parents told me, “You made your bed, now you lay in it,” and provided me no support at all. I worked my axx off to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads, and got into other relationships with men who weren’t bad men per se, but definitely men who manipulated their way into my life and who quickly got themselves comfortable “on my couch.”

Although I am in a position of leadership at work, have a home to take care of, and kids who still depend on me to be “Mom” (a role I cherish), I feel like my life stage is in my 20’s: When a young woman is finally venturing out in life on her own: getting her own apartment, trying to pay her bills, skimping on food to buy herself a new pair of shoes, and going to the sales racks to buy what SHE needs to still look/feel good. ;-) It’s a portion of my life I missed, and now having an opportunity to experience it.

(continued); December 14, 2013 at 8:05 AM
Gemini50 said...: Continued 2 of 2

So, to all the young ladies out there who are trying to figure out your lives, I would like to say this to you: Ladies, love yourself first. Do not waste your time on people who do not treat you well. Do not short change yourself for what you deserve. YOU ARE AMAZING!

We have been placed on this earth for a reason… our travels thru life will lead us to it. Make, and/or continue, the choice to do the work that will help you along your path. There will always be hills and mountains to climb but the view from each climb is worth it. Be cognizant of what you see and do along the way, because when you look back, you will have the strength of experience as your foundation to keep going.

Oh boy, I just noticed that I didn’t get a morning text from Plumber. He’s been sending them all week about 7 AM. Very cute little texts that have made me laugh. Well, it’s ok. I’m on my path. I’m going to get ready for the snow that’s coming and towatch my granddaughter at karate’ later. It’s a WEEKEND (no responsibilities TO ANYONE ELSE BUT ME), and I’m going to enjoy it.

Hugs to ALL!; December 14, 2013 at 8:08 AM
JD said...: MOA,

that knee jerk reaction is sort of an impulsive reaction? That's a little weird to me that guys would do that. Usually if someone I thought was annoying on FB annoyed me, I would just uncheck them showing up on my newsfeed but not delete them. Unless what they post was so vulgar and disrespectful. I do believe that is why he did it. Maybe my disappearance for months on there then reappearance like nothing happened took him by surprise. My posts weren't even about him. Again, it seems like something he would not do. Now if I brought drama to his page right when I activated my account, I can see him unfriending me. His page is still viewable to the public though. As long as I am logged in, if I choose to, I can see everything on his page. (shrugs)

But it could be his way of getting back at me? Could it be he wanted me to call? To add him as a friend again (NOT! LOL)

The reasons why I am asking is because my friends would like to know. LOL Facebook does affect us in real life. I'e been reading articles online that explain what it does to us. Kind of changing our social culture!

Anyhow, 2 more week until vacation. The city is a bit smaller compared to other cities. It would be funny (and not funny) if we ran into each other.

Today is workout day for me...about to do Zumba, lift weights then run 3 miles :-) I hope you all have a great weekend!; December 14, 2013 at 11:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA. A male and female have been friends for years and they developed feelings for one another and started having sex, but never officially made their relationship exclusive. The female wants more and the male just wants to be friends with benefits. Do you think it's possible for these 2 to remain friends even though they want 2 different things?; December 14, 2013 at 4:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Today marks 3 months of NC with my DM. Why do I bother to continue to keep track? I guess the reason is that the experience with DM was deeply painful, frustrating, and so completely unfulfilling that it, if you'll excuse my French, equaled a serious mindf*ck. I don't want to make excuses but I do believe that DM, although highly successful in his career, was extremely emotionally immature and just didn't have the communication skills necessary to conduct a proper relationship. I sensed an enormous amount of fear.

As I mentioned in earlier posts - I recently started seeing a beautiful young man 23 years my junior. He has been wonderful, sweet, sincere and adores me from head to toe. It's been so refreshing to be adored rather than ignored and treated poorly. I realize this sweet affair won't last forever but it's been just what the doctor ordered as my self-esteem was at an all time low.

The way I allowed the DM to treat me was so subpar. Why I didn't show him the door immediately, rather than a year later is now beyond my comprehension. Although the young man I'm now seeing is exactly 20 years younger than DM, his maturity level and level of respect blows DM completely out of the water. I don't hate DM though - far from it. I hope that he finds happiness and inner peace one day and the ability to heal his brokenness so that he can open himself to the experience of true intimacy.

I've learned and continue to learn so much on your wonderful site. Thank you MOA. I check in regularly to read the newest posts and take in your words of wisdom. You're a true sage! So happy to hear you've met someone wonderful to love. Wishing everyone on this site peace, happiness and clarity.

Astrid; December 15, 2013 at 11:28 AM
JD said...: MOA:

my friend told me that if I had agreed to be a long distance hook up, he would've kept me as a Friend on FB. Do you think this is so? Ugh.

I must admit. When I found out he unfriended me, it was prompting me to call/text. He sure didn't unfriend me even during the time I sent him message on FB asking about where all of this was going. But it's like somehow he knew it would get to me after I reactivated my account. I mean but really, relationship and dating was fine WITHOUT the emergence of Social Media.; December 15, 2013 at 12:25 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I have been following your advice to a T. My DM came back and liked my pics (fished) I didn't take the bait so a day later he messaged me a hello pretty lady. Now it has been since Thursday. I haven't gone online to see if he is online and have not responded. Quite honestly I would like to see him message me again before I respond to him. Let him stew a little. Do men like women sit there and obsess why we haven't responded? Btw I am the type who responded quickly in the past. Maybe a little TOO quickly. I am actually surprised this time he messaged me first. In the past he would disappear and reappear. I would wait for him to message me and then realize he didn't so I would always message him first. I must admit it feels a TON better to have the guy message first. I think in the past I used to message him first because I wanted his attention so badly. I was worried that if I don't message him he will forget about me and I would lose his interest.

I don't think I want to respond quite yet. I really want to play my cards this time right!; December 15, 2013 at 6:43 PM
JD said...: So my cousin made a point. She's the one that told me, if this DM uses FB mainly on his mobile phone, then he wasn't able to search for me when/if he tried to. He has an iphone, my cousin has a Samsung. She told me she couldn't find my name in any form while on her mobile. I tried on my iPhone to search for a friend who I am still friends with but deactivated her account a while ago. I couldn't find her in the search bar or my friends list. So maybe the DM, wanted to unfriend me a while back from his mobile, but couldn't do it. BUT I know he does log onto FB when at work on work computer.

So as soon as he saw me post something when he was on his mobile, that's when he probably was able to unfriend me. Does that still count as a "knee-jerk" reaction?

Anyhow, today spent the day with a close older lady friend who shared some wisdom with me. So it was an enjoyable day. And bought myself some sexy knee high brown boots ;-) LOL hard work out and errand day tomorrow, including work. When do these memories start to fade? I hate having to deal with memories playing in my head.

Another thing, why not block instead of just unfriending?; December 16, 2013 at 1:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
I realize this was not the man of your dreams and one with a few apparent issues that he feels saving all his money and having a big ole' house will make up for, LOL. . .but do you realize what just happened here dear?

YOU made a DECISION about a man, instead of waiting for the MAN to make a decision about YOU :-)

And while he may not have text as usual, again, online dear, that's par for the course, LOL. Something about dating online makes these men flaky. And it makes them feel entitled in a sense, to have a woman chasing them around. That plays into the little "hooks" we've discussed here in this thread. Where they do certain things a certain way for a certain time, then they pull back to set that "hook" - to see if you'll give chase. Regardless of the impression this man has given you, he is waiting for you to contact him, LOL ;-)

But don't do that, especially if you're not interested. You don't want to encourage him if you're not interested in seeing him again and him pulling back a bit is actually in your best interest if you don't plan on moving forward with him.

I think this was a 100% success for you actually dear. You went out on this date, kept a very open mind, played it cool and casual (while he was keeping points and stressing and let it show even though he thought he was playing it off), and you handled yourself wonderfully. And because of that, you will now get comfortable with dates that don't take off. And that's a good thing because the reality is that MANY do not.

And that's okay, because that's what dating is about - it's about keeping it casual and exploring your options until someone comes along that catches your eye and your mind :-)

So instead of worrying about why this may not have been a winner, you're now simply focused on yourself, as it should be - and about continuing to move forward. All in all Gem, I'd say this was a really fantastic experience for you and one that you really experienced a leap of growth from regarding how to date while remaining detached until someone worthy comes along :-); December 16, 2013 at 8:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"I've been reading articles online that explain what it does to us. Kind of changing our social culture!"

Not kind of dear - HUGELY changing it. And as you can see from this thread, we're all experiencing the effects of that, and the change is NOT for the better. I believe technology is resulting in us growing sociopaths at a truly ALARMING rate. People who have no thought for others or how their actions affect them. People who do not have to face, and see, the consequences of their actions - because technology and sites like FB make it so very easy, and so very acceptable nowadays, to just be downright ignorant.

I think this man unfriended you for a multitude of reasons - all emotional. Meaning, he may have seen you again, it brought things up in his mind, you were not reacting as he'd expected, he had not heard from you and that upset him. He knee-jerked and acted on that upset emotion and unfriended you, probably thinking you'd get real insecure about it, you'd vie for his attention and you'd try to win his approval or acceptance once again by contacting him to behave very insecurely and ask, "Why have you unfriended me? What did I do wrong? Why don't you like me? What can I do to make you like me again? What can I do to win your approval again?"

Because I think that HE thinks (or secretly wishes) that your entire world revolves around him. Many men won't admit this, but knowing how women are and how emotional they get, they EXPECT certain reactions to certain ACTIONS of theirs - and they play these little pranks and take these certain actions that they assume will automatically generate a response.

In otherwords, lots of men, when they want your attention or they're seeking reassurance (that you still like them) - they don't just ask, like women do. They don't just lay it all on the line like women do. Instead, they play a little prank. One's that are hurtful at times. . .to see your REACTION. To test your level of interest.

But before you get all excited about that, LOL, let me make something clear. . .just because these men sometimes seek reassurance that you still like them - do NOT automatically mean that that's because they want to be with you. Sometimes, it's an ego boost they seek, sometimes they're feeling bad about themselves and want you to make them feel better by giving them your attention, sometimes they're seeking control, sometimes they just want the upper hand, sometimes they're secretly insecure, sometimes they're just trying to prove something to themselves (that they can get you to chase them). . .it can be all sorts of things and does not automatically mean it's because they want to be with you. So just be aware of that and keep it all in perspective :-); December 16, 2013 at 8:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 14, 4:17 PM,
"Do you think it's possible for these 2 to remain friends even though they want 2 different things?"

No, I do not. When one wants more than the other, it's an unbalanced situation that's going to keep the one that wants more - VERY unhappy the entire time they're "friends."

When the "friend" starts dating someone else, the one that wants more will be hurt. When the "friend" starts to turn their attention towards someone else and doesn't call/text as much anymore, the one that wants more will be hurt. When the "friend" starts sharing stories about dating others, the one that wants more will begin to experience jealousy. And so on and so on.

It's a LOSE-LOSE situation for the one that wants more. And as long as that individual remains in that situation, they will only be bringing lots of negativity and negative emotions into their life and they will NOT be able to make room for another individual, one that wants to be with them, in their life - because they'll still be hung up emotionally on the one that only wants to be friends with them.

I do not suggest entering into a situation like that as it's not good for your mental health or your sanity. You can be civil to one another, when you see each other, say hello, ask how they're doing and move on. But you CANNOT talk on the phone daily, call/text each other constantly, go out and do things together, etc.

Because the reality is that the person that just wants to be friends. . .is going to move on to dating someone else eventually. And you won't want to see that and/or be a part of it. . .because that will hurt.; December 16, 2013 at 8:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
Give your head and heart a rest dear. And accept the fact that he unfriended you - and that you're never really going to know why. Do NOT waste all of this time, energy and focus on a man that's treated you poorly dear.

Accept that it happened and accept that it's HIS loss. And realize that, in a month or two, when he realizes you're not going to chase him to find out why. . .he may return dear. With men like this, it ain't over till it's over. Men like this do stuff like this all the time.

Just try to relax your mind and try not to give him so much of your energy and focus dear. I know it's difficult, but you need to seek out more distractions if you're finding yourself unable to pull away.

This is why I think getting involved with men you date on FB is an absolute waste of time. It amounts to another tool for them to manipulate you with and play mind games with. And I honestly think him unfriending you there is a blessing in disguise for you. . .but you just haven't realized it yet :-); December 16, 2013 at 8:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 15, 6:43 PM,
"Do men like women sit there and obsess why we haven't responded?"

Yes, psychologically, we're all more or less wired very similarly as humans. But it also depends on the man's level of interest as well. It will affect men that are interested more than it will affect the one's that aren't that interested.; December 16, 2013 at 8:59 AM
Countrygirl said...: Mirror, just a quick question. These men who disappear after treating you poorly, i know by saying nothing we are saying something, but do you think that DM men sit there and think "Phew i got away with that"? Hope that makes sense!; December 16, 2013 at 12:34 PM

«Oldest ‹Older 3401 – 3600 of 5004 Newer› Newest»

New comments are not allowed.