Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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Mltn said...: @Anonymous Dec 14, 4:17 PM

I wanted to share my experience here, as well. I had a "thing" with a co-worker who'd been my best friend for over 7 years. He, too, wanted casual sex but not to move toward an exclusive relationship.

It was like that old saying about how to boil a frog - you just very slowly turn up the heat and suddenly you're there without noticing it. We were best friends forever, and then it just morphed slowly into something more. There was a time when I realized it had crossed a line, but by that point I was too far gone.

You'll think that you NEED to still be friends with this guy. I did. Like I just could not see my life without him. But, honestly, part of that is that the last few years of our friendship were really mostly about the romantic feelings. So I wasn't evaluating "friendship" clearly, I didn't want to lose the feelings. And that's really no different from the end of any romantic relationship that doesn't work - you don't see how you can go on without him, but day-by-day you do, until you're past that inability to see your life without him.

Once I cut mine off as completely as I could (we do work together), I got a lot of perspective from that distance. I overlooked a lot of character traits in him because of feelings. I romanticized dumb things. We were at a point where we were talking 2-3 hours a day, and I thought this was so amazing that we were so connected, but came to see that he was SO insecure, bored, needy, clingy, etc.

The worst part about a guy who wants FWB is that he'll always come back around. He still likes you and wants you sexually. He's just drawn a line in the sand about what he's willing to give you. So he'll mess with your head constantly. He'll call and text and hang out in person. He'll be cute and funny and considerate. He'll be flirty and passionate. You'll "recognize" all of this from just before you crossed the line from friends into lovers, and you'll constantly wonder if he's changed his mind and is pursuing something more from you.

It's practically psychological abuse, in my mind. If someone loves you and you don't love them back, the only kind thing to do is to step back and leave that person alone. It really says something terrible about you as a person if you're willing to hurt someone else emotionally just to get your sexual needs met.; December 16, 2013 at 1:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @CountryGirl,
"do you think that DM men sit there and think "Phew i got away with that"?"

I imagine only the real scoundrels (sociopaths and psychopaths) think that way dear.

Bottom line: We are all human. And as such, we are born with a conscience - that little voice that nags away in your head 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

To be honest, I think when women respond to these men and issue no consequence for the poor treatment - THAT is most likely the time when they breath a sigh of relief and probably feel they've gotten away with it - when there is no consequence.

And I know that many women think that "letting a man have it" IS a consequence - but if you truly understand the minds of men. . .that generally amounts to a humorous event for many of them most times. Meaning, a lot of men don't know what's the complicated emotions of women are like to experience on a day to day basis. So when a woman comes unraveled and blows up in a tremendous emotional display like that, many men snicker it away, laugh it off as a good story with their buddies, "Man, this chick is nuts, guess what she did?" and generally. . .attempt to make light of it as much as they can.

They attempt to minimize those displays. So the impact YOU think it has on THEM, generally is not as much as you think. Many a man says, "Eh, just give her a few days and she'll be okay, she'll be over it."

So those emotional displays tend to backfire and they don't deliver the blow many times that women think or expect them to.

But silence. . .yea, that's a blow that delivers a bit of a punch. It might take a month or two for the impact to be felt, but many times, it's felt and the message is understood.

By saying NOTHING - you are ALWAYS saying SOMETHING :-); December 16, 2013 at 2:44 PM
JD said...: MOA: I hate FB, really. This is dumb. I'e been reading these articles online and reactions of people...I mean actually getting hurt. It actually hurts people! We are still humans behind these screens.

I guess he got a little ticked that I wasn't ticked (or at least didn't express it on FB) Am I gonna ask "Oh why did you unfriend me?" HELL NO. Please. I've got my dignity. LOL

I believe he did it out of emotional reaction....cause there was a time when he was "falling back" and he didn't unfriend me then.

And in the future, I will NOT add a man on FB whom I'm dating. No, No, No! I will rest my heart and mind. This is enough. Ok, workout day for me today. Then run some errands for my trip. I am a HIGH VALUE woman. That DM is CRAZY! :-) Yes, I believe it is a blessing in disguise. Let me bring my fun & sexy back for 2014, but not wait until 2014...let's do it NOW! :-); December 16, 2013 at 2:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"I am a HIGH VALUE woman. That DM is CRAZY! :-) Yes, I believe it is a blessing in disguise. Let me bring my fun & sexy back for 2014, but not wait until 2014...let's do it NOW! :-)"

That's the attitude that will serve YOU best dear, right there - excellent :-); December 16, 2013 at 3:08 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous Dec 15, 6:43 PM,
"Do men like women sit there and obsess why we haven't responded?"

Thanks MOA. I guess best way to see how much a guy is interested is to wait and see how hard he pursues? So basically if he tries to contact me again then I know he actually is trying. We have been talking for a year and he has expressed his high level of interest now I need him to show me :); December 16, 2013 at 3:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA,
I want to say that I absolutely LOVE your advice on this interesting topic! I do believe that the NOC works however, what if a man reappears and wants to work things out with a woman but she kind of flipped the script on him? Meaning, he knows that the woman is ALWAYS there for him no matter what and there when he reappeared? In my case, my significant other informed me about 2 months ago that he needed space to handle some unfinished business in his life (he's legally separated to his estranged wife & in the mist of looking for another job....yes before we started our relationship, he revealed the separation papers between him and his wife to me.) and feels that he cannot make me his #2 priority (after his kids) until he is satisfied with where is he in his life. This is not the first time he said that and informed me that he needed space first before going completely "ghost" on me, which lasted about 1.5 month with NOC and he reappeared again. During that time when he disappeared, he didn't make much progress in his life but only changed employment for financial reasons. I have been patience and compromising with his "unfinished business" with his wife to end the marriage during his disappearing period and after we got back together early part of this year. The problem is that he knows that his wife is going to eat him up financially (child support, alimony etc) when the divorce is finally and I do believe that he want the divorce but he's not moving fast enough due to the thought of financial burden he might faced soon or later. Anyway, I am now at the point that my patience about his situation is wearing thin on me after dating for 13 months but do not want to give up on him however, I do not want to wait around for no one because who said that him and I are going to be together after his divorce is final, if that part happens. I'm kind of stuck in the middle with my feeling for him! Ugh Smh....

So my question is that if he happens to reappears and want us to be together again (even if he's still legally separated ....), what do you think how he would feel if I tell him that I don't think we should be together because I no longer want to be in his way for him to get his "unfinished business" done with whatever is going on his life, marriage/divorce, job. I would like for us to be cordial to one other if we happens to see each other out in the streets, etc. This is a man who knows that I am/was always there for him but not sure how he's going to feel if I switched up on him and tell him that I wish him the best but can no longer be there for him because it's not fair for me to do so all the time and especially at this time around after he get ghost on me for 2nd time around. We both love and care for each others but I just don't want to waste my time to the "unknowns" regarding him and us. Could you please tell me what I am doing wrong or/and need to change?

By the way, he's a Virgo and I'm a Cancer. How could one be soooo clingy one minute and turn around and need personal space which Virgo desires along with having a lot of inner turmoils? They are loving and loyal people however way TOO hard on themselves and sometimes to others! They just don't know how to live life and not take everything so serious. Life is too short not to enjoy & embrace it and also the people who love/care about them. Good people but they are their worst enemies. Sad but very true!

I just need your insight on my situation, MOA and appreciate your advice in advance!

CancerLady0703; December 16, 2013 at 3:19 PM
Countrygirl said...: Thank you Mirror. That makes a lot of sense.; December 16, 2013 at 3:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @CancerLady0703,
"what if a man reappears and wants to work things out with a woman but she kind of flipped the script on him? Meaning, he knows that the woman is ALWAYS there for him no matter what and there when he reappeared?"

Well, that's the point of no contact (no response). You are to take a stance and stick up for yourself and signal how you expect to be treated by NOT responding to a disappearing man when he reappears UNTIL he has:

1) Apologized
2) Requested a "talk" to work things out

If you simply respond to the first lame communication attempt he makes (such as a text that simply says, "Hey"), then yes, he's going to assume that you're always going to be there, no matter how poorly he treats you. So I generally suggest not responding until the man has signaled he's sorry or he's regretful/remorseful in some way AND wants to work things out (i.e. apologize).

If the man does not do that - then he really should get no response, no matter how many lame attempts he makes.

"I have been patience and compromising with his "unfinished business" with his wife to end the marriage during his disappearing period and after we got back together early part of this year."

Well, it's okay to be patient dear - but that should NOT include WAITING for the man. Meaning, if he needs space and time to get himself together, that's fine and you can be understanding about that. However, that does NOT mean that you sit and wait. That does NOT mean that you shouldn't date other men and explore your options. It's a breakup, that's what that "space" is. And when a man breaks up with you, you don't wait on him. You accept it with dignity, but you also make it very clear that you may or MAY NOT be there when he returns and that you WILL be dating others in the interim.

"I do not want to wait around for no one because who said that him and I are going to be together after his divorce is final"

Exactly. Which is why you can be understanding about his need for space and grant it to him, but just because you're understanding of it doesn't mean you're going to sit around and wait on him. When he takes space - then YOU receive the FREEDOM to explore your options with other men. That's how breakups work. Space means distance and distance means no connection. And when there's no connection, there's no commitment. And when there's no commitment - all bets are off. That's simply the way it is and if HE is not understanding of that with regards to YOU - then what's that tell you about this man?

It tells you that HE expects YOU to be understanding of HIM - but that HE isn't willing to do the SAME for YOU. And that's a big red flag dear, if that's the case. No man that's a true gentleman expects a woman to disrespect herself and put her life on hold waiting around for him to get his crap together, ya' know?

Cont. . .; December 16, 2013 at 5:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "So my question is that if he happens to reappears and want us to be together again (even if he's still legally separated ....), what do you think how he would feel if I tell him that I don't think we should be together because I no longer want to be in his way for him to get his "unfinished business" done with whatever is going on his life, marriage/divorce, job."

I think that's WISE dear, very wise. Do not throw away years of your life waiting on a man to get himself together. Because there's no guarantee he'll actually ever do that. He could string you along for 4 more years like this, only to end up reconciling with his wife because he doesn't want to bear the financial burden of divorce, ya' know? (It happens, trust me.)

"Could you please tell me what I am doing wrong or/and need to change?"

You're not doing anything wrong at the moment dear. I think your head is actually in a very good, very logical place right now with the way you're seeing what you actually need to do here to protect yourself from wasting your life away waiting on a man that's unavailable to you.

He wants space, you give it - but YOU also TAKE it as well at the same time - for YOURSELF.

If he gets it together, he knows where to find you. And if you're available at that time, then so be it. But if you've met another man in the meantime that IS available is IS ready for a relationship with you, then oh well - he loses.

"How could one be soooo clingy one minute and turn around and need personal space which Virgo desires along with having a lot of inner turmoils?"

That's because it appears dear, that this man actually doesn't have a clue as to what he really wants and he's wishy-washy about it and vacillates back and forth (wavers between different opinions or actions and is indecisive.)

I think your head's in the right place dear, you're seeing the writing on the wall. Do what's best for YOURSELF here and leave him to work out his issues on his own. You were not born of this Earth to sacrifice your life, your happiness, your existence and your future. . .to sit around waiting and providing support for some man. . . who may or may NOT ever do the same for you.

Don't let him hold you back dear. You've been more than understanding here but enough is enough. It's time for YOU to be happy and to live your life :-); December 16, 2013 at 5:19 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA, you quoted.... "Space means distance and distance means no connection. And when there's no connection, there's no commitment. And when there's no commitment - all bets are off." #BOOM!!! #Enough said! Thanks soooo much for your quick response! I most def will keep this powerful statement in mind.

I swear you need to write a book, make a movie or TV show about relationship...or something. LOL!! Your words of wisdom are always on point!

P.S.- the reason why my head is in the right place because I have been following your blog secretly for months without making a post on your blog! I just needed to get a "direct" opinion about this topic (Disappearing/Reappearing of a Man) from the expert....YOU!

Thanks again, GOD bless, and Happy Holidays! :)
CancerLady0703; December 16, 2013 at 7:46 PM
JD said...: LOL there's this one DM I haven't heard from since mid-Sept and he just texted me. But this one I could care less about! I mean yes there was a thing between us, but we had an understanding that because of our distance, it maybe wouldn't be the best for us. He's way mature than the other DM I've been expressing about here. He found out I am going to be in town (through FB). But I am not interested in him like that anymore. Yes he is going to be Friend Zoned. LOL He's a great guy, but I know for a fact he is not for me. Maybe if I apply this I could care less attitude about the other DM, he may resurface, too.

So do they (DMs) keep our numbers? I guess, huh? I think I will just enjoy getting attention on my vacay from other men. Though just innocent fun. I am not wanting to give birth to anything. Just had to share. Let me not give a ish about the other guy...it may work LOL

Oh and this DM that texted me, CAN WAIT to get a response from me. hehehe ;-); December 16, 2013 at 9:13 PM
JD said...: Oh here is what I received from him:

"hey lady, out the blue, how long is your hair now? I saw you saying you're cutting it on Facebook."

LOL Out the blue? NOT. There we go with the FB thing again! BTW, this guy is one I have known through my church but when I did visit, I noticed the difference between him and other DM and there were some "sparks" but maybe it was because I was frustrated with the other DM or felt rejected/lonely from the other DM's behavior. But what I really respect about this guy, is that he was willing to talk about what maybe could be but because of the distance, in his opinion, might not work so well. MAJOR difference in maturity. Just too bad I'm not attracted to him. I thought I was, but maybe it was for the wrong reasons. So I really don't want to lead him on.; December 16, 2013 at 9:20 PM
chk61 said...: BTW, my last disappearing post about my D.M. had nothing to do with MOA's website, it had to do with my laptop technique and my browser screwing up. Just for the record. ;-)

Believe it or not, after I posted that last post I experienced incredible temptation to drop him a holiday greeting. There's something about this time of year that makes us want to bury the hatchet with people. A lot of people reach out to others at Christmas for that reason. I started feeling like it would really not be a big deal if I reached out to him, it may make me feel better, and besides, why was I making such a big deal about this non-relationship I had with him? Gheesh, I thought to myself - "he's just a guy - stop giving him so much power over you! Just email him already."

So I started to think about what I would write. I would make it short, sweet and funny. Yes, I wasted more time on this. Then I realized that however nonchalant and confident I felt at the time about it, and no matter how I would try to convince myself it was just a nice, human, compassionate, Christmas-y thing to do, and it really did not matter, it would be setting me up for yet another possible ride on the rollercoaster. And frankly, with the way I've been feeling physically lately (vertigo anyone?), that is the LAST thing I need.

And really, since it is Christmas, is it not HIM that should be reaching out to ME? If he cared, and was a gentleman, would he not have fond memories of meeting me just before Christmas last year? Would he not realize that he behaved somewhat badly?

Don't worry, I don't expect a greeting from him. I will admit I will be secretly disappointed but truthfully, and I think Mirror would agree, that no contact from him will be for the BEST.

Phew. Thankfully I got my good sense back and I did nothing. It has been 60 days of No Contact. And 5 months of no physical contact! Incredible and I'm still here posting about him. I know this too shall pass.; December 16, 2013 at 10:07 PM
Mltn said...: @ chk61:

Whenever you reach out to communicate with him in any way, it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS a let-down and disappointment. He will never respond in a manner that makes you feel better. You'll always feel worse. He'll ignore you, or it will be something unsatisfying or upsetting, or so cryptic that you'll spend a billion more hours analyzing that.

Here's the thing - by definition, you will not get back any response that will make you happy. Because if he were missing you, feeling regretful & apologetic, wanting to make it work, then he'd be contacting you.

I've been there, I really do understand. But. This is just "reminding him that you exist." You don't need to do that. It will just make you feel so much worse, because you secretly are hoping for a response, and a particular kind of response, and you will not get it.; December 17, 2013 at 11:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA,

I would like to know your thoughts about casual relationships, I think it would be an interesting article!
Keep up with the good work, you're amazing!:)); December 17, 2013 at 1:54 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

“…this was a really fantastic experience for you…”

I agree. Although a bit disappointing, it was a great experience.

And who knows, maybe Plumber was just as nervous as me and displayed it differently. If he asked me out again, I’d go, with the understanding that it would be for fun, and to keep the “score card” at home.

Plumber text me Friday night letting me know he got home (I didn’t ask for the text). I thanked him for dinner/company; he responded he had fun. He text me Saturday night with another pic of a Christmas character, and then again on Sunday with one word after the football game. (I couldn’t help but feel this was his slow fade.)

I simply mirrored each communication.

Then yesterday: nothing; and I felt a bit melancholy. This dating stuff is NOT for sissies -- that’s for sure.

This morning I woke up happy again that I am NOT with someone that I am unhappy with. And overnight I realized I am getting closer to understanding what I want in a man and within a relationship: it’s not money and it’s not bravado.

It’s happiness. And I am getting more comfortable with “owning” what makes me happy.

I am determining my involvement with a man by how I feel with him. Simple. If he makes me feel bad or insecure or elicit too many questions of his motives, I’m going to pass. If I feel positive, happy, and comfortable and don’t feel a need to question his intentions, then I’m “in” and will put the same positive effort towards him and the relationship.

I can’t get over how lazy men are on this dating site. I just continue to delete, delete, delete the winks, likes, favorites, etc. But I’m staying on it for the full 3 months, and will keep practicing.

Oh, and Scorpio? He sent a second text an hour after his first, wanting to let me know it was him. I responded this weekend with a text that just said, “hi,” and received nothing back. Who knows what his motives are, and it doesn’t matter. I will not get back into a fwb thing with him. I want and deserve to receive, give and share so much more in this life.

Keep working at it ladies… stay strong and believe!

((HUGS)); December 17, 2013 at 3:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"I am determining my involvement with a man by how I feel with him. Simple. If he makes me feel bad or insecure or elicit too many questions of his motives, I’m going to pass. If I feel positive, happy, and comfortable and don’t feel a need to question his intentions, then I’m “in” and will put the same positive effort towards him and the relationship."

Exactly dear, that's how you do it right there :-) Forget about what the guy thinks about YOU and stay focused on how YOU feel about the guy.

Don't sweat this one dear - he wasn't a match anyway, so it makes no difference if he's slowly fading away, ya' know. Stay focused - this one was a "next" anyway ;-); December 17, 2013 at 5:49 PM
Countrygirl said...: Hello again Mirror and Ladies, DM are, as we are all aware, disrespectful men who's actions hurt and directly impact on us as a consequence of this. I was wondering Mirror, I'm sure that some of these men MUST possess a conscience.........maybe lol, So, if after a significant amount of time has passed ie 3,4,5 months etc, whilst some may regret their actions and want to contact the lady in question, would their pride and shame of what they have done prevent them from doing so.??; December 18, 2013 at 7:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @CountryGirl,
"would their pride and shame of what they have done prevent them from doing so.?"

Sure, I imagine that happens - but that's HIS problem to work out. If a man is too prideful or too ashamed of what they've done to man up, do the right thing and apologize. . .then he's not a man that you want to be in a relationship with anyway. Because compromise, being able to apologize, being able to show you care about your significant other, sacrifice, etc. are all necessary ingredients for a lasting relationship. And if a man isn't capable of showing he cares and/or apologizing when necessary, spending a lifetime with a man like that will do your head in. Spending years with a man of stone will cause you to suffer emotionally.

If he cannot show you those qualities when you're dating. . .he's not going to suddenly develop them 10, 15 or 20 years into a marriage. If he lacks those qualities while dating, he'll lack those qualities throughout a long term relationship as well. His inability to apologize, do the right thing and/or show you he cares will make you feel bad about yourself, it will make you question yourself, it will cause you self-doubt and it will only bring you pain.

You want to be with a man that can show you he cares and that is MATURE enough to do the right thing. No woman deserves any less than that :-); December 18, 2013 at 7:22 AM
Countrygirl said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; December 18, 2013 at 7:39 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm a little late but boy does this help me! Here's my story, I need some advice:

I've been seeing this libra for about 2 months. We originally met in college 6 years ago, but I didn't pay him any attention as he is a little younger than me, but he was in love with me. lol Fastforward 6 years, he has a career, is handsome and has grown to look like a man. Anyways, after all this time, I finally gave him my number, bc he was all over me asking for it! He came on VERY strong the first month, and even still after we had sex for the first time.

(However, he is not cuddly after sex, at all. He usually just gets right up and never spends the night. The very last time we did though, he did hold me for the very first time, so I figure that maybe he just needs time to warm up and open up.)

I was resistant but Lately have started showing him more attention. I rarely call or text him, he initiates most contact, but I do do things like get him little gifts (cheap but thoughtful) and place cute notes on them and leave them around places, just to show I'm into him. (I'm a Leo). But I noticed that after I started showing him more attention, he got a little bit distant.

Recently, he's started to do the famous Libra disappearing thing, where he'll just be MIA for 2-3 days or so, then text/call like it's nothing. It bothers me, but I deal bc I like him. The last time he did it and came back I didn't respond, bc I was upset that he just comes and goes when he pleases. I expected I'd hear from him again in "normal" Libra fashion, but it's been a bit over a week & I haven't heard from him yet. I'm worried. Will I hear from him again? Ever? Does he even really like me? I'm not contacting him bc I have too much pride!; December 18, 2013 at 11:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 18, 11:09 PM,
"However, he is not cuddly after sex, at all. He usually just gets right up and never spends the night."

Careful dear, he may be an emotionally unavailable man. Someone who doesn't let their emotions affect them and someone who doesn't get emotionally involved (only physically). And it also sounds like a hookup in a sense, and like he may possibly looking at this as a casual sex situation only and not an emotionally involved relationship.

"I noticed that after I started showing him more attention, he got a little bit distant."

Yes dear, when a woman starts to pursue a man (and yes, men would take those little gifts you're leaving as a signal that you're getting emotionally involved and gunning towards moving this into relationship territory with him), generally men will step back from that.

I imagine he'll be back. It may be another 3 weeks or so, but yea, he'll be back again for the goods dear. And I fear that that's what this was all about to him. He's having casual sex with you and you're expecting relationship type kind of treatment (regular calling, texting, etc.) And regretfully dear, when dating, you cannot expect relationship type treatment (regular contact) from a man that you're only casually dating and one that has not asked you for a commitment or to enter into an exclusive dating situation where you only see each other. Sex with a man does not mean you're in a relationship with him dear :-( Sucks, I know, but that's the harsh reality.

I have a feeling that if this man returns and you respond, he's only going to use you again and hurt you dear. I would NOT let him do that. I would NOT respond to him. I would instead hang back and test him, to see if he steps up to the plate and man's up - or if he simply disappears like a chump player. And if he does, be thankful he spared you having to experience any more pain.

In the meantime dear, keep moving forward, don't get stuck on him. Get out there and meet other men, date other men, spend time with your friends, do things that make you happy, get a new hairdo, buy some new clothes and reinvent you look - whatever makes you happy and confident dear.

Nothing better than looking fantastic. . .and saying NO to a chump when he returns, LOL ;-)

Take good care of yourself dear, and be kind to yourself. In the end, YOU are the only one that matters here.; December 19, 2013 at 8:40 AM
Anonymous said...: This is good advice above. Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker...says NO sex until MONOGAMY and a committed relationship. I think this is the best way to deal with guys. Sex does not equal a relationship to them...am I wrong?; December 19, 2013 at 3:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 19, 3:05 PM,
"Sex does not equal a relationship to them...am I wrong?"

No dear, it does not equal a relationship, not in this day and age anyway. As a matter of fact, studies show that the sooner you sleep with a man these days. . .the less likely he is to be in your life a year later. The longer you wait, the higher the chances are that he'll be around a year later.; December 19, 2013 at 3:49 PM
Anonymous said...: This is all great advice that is 100% right never fails. I have been reading and posting on here for about 3 months and it has changed my life. We women tend to lie to ourselves sometimes. We say nah it is okay if I text and initiate first, nah it is okay if I ask him out, nah it is okay if I leave him presents when he has never bought me anything. The truth of the matter is the second you do this, you can say bye bye to that man. I have a friend who managed to get herself an engagement ring by not following the rules but that is the ONLY person I know of who has had this work out for them and who knows how long that will last because men tend to resent women who push them to do something they do not want to do or not ready for.

Here is where these rules come in handy. So my disappearing man made an appearance by liking my photos on Facebook and wrote me a message saying hi pretty lady. Now it has been months since he has initiated so I felt like I was finally getting back on the game. Believe me ladies let them chase! Feels so much better and less work on us - it even makes them feel good to chase!!! Anyways after that message I stayed offline for about a week and just got back on there. I felt great and dignified that he still remembered me after that long. I did not message him back. Why? Well he has disappeared again and sending a message into thin air not knowing when I will hear back from him will only set me back. I have come this far so why not keep it up! If he does message me again with something meaningful then I will message back and this time it won't be like before right away on my phone (these phones make it way too easy to message someone back on social media). This time I will wait a day or 2 or at least a few hours. Damn even the psychic told me to do this :))); December 20, 2013 at 8:29 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

@ chk61
I think you did very well when you decided not to send him that message. Keep up with it, don´t yield... You are definitely strong enough to resist, although you might sometimes feel otherwise.

@ Gemini 50
Congratulations. You seem to have mastered Mirrror´s teaching. And I think it means that you are ready for a real man, so in my opinion it´s just a matter of time when he´ll appear in you life.

My update: I agree with all the ladies who write that these men online are terribly lazy and all that many of them seek is an ego boost. Recently I´ve come across several such men. I thought to myself: "What´s the matter? Am I doing something wrong? Last year, when I started online dating, there were more men who at least communicated and were willing to meet in real life." And then I realised that a year has passed since I began dating and as I have changed these men might have changed too, but for the worse: They´ve become even lazier than they were in the beginning.

Well, I keep telling myself it needs patience and perseverance.

Anyway, I wish Mirror and all the ladies happy, cheerful Christmas holidays and when a DM reappears, don´t forget what Mirror teaches and let him stew at least a bit... (-:

HopefulWithMen; December 20, 2013 at 12:51 PM
chk61 said...: @Mltn:

Thanks for the reinforcement. I still feel the temptation, almost daily, but what you say is true. Of course, I don't know for sure but I can predict what may happen if I dropped him a friendly email. He'd reply fairly quickly and he'd be friendly, chatty. Then one of 2 things would happen: he'd suggest we meet for a holiday drink (or some other casual outing) OR he would banter with me a bit via email and then, voila - DISAPPEAR. Leave me hanging (which he has done in the past). Past behavior is usually an indicator of future behavior, right? I also keep remembering what Steve Santagati said in his book about dating "bad boys" (like himself)...that silence is golden in these situations. Thus, I remain: SILENT.

@HopefulWithMen:
Thanks, as above, I haven't yielded. I've gotten this far - why would I give it all up now? I hear your frustration with online dating. It has really changed the landscape of the dating world. Yet, I know it can work. Three of my friends are in serious relationship with men they met online. These women were all over 45 when they these men. One met her guy in January and just moved in with him in late November! They are both 46, and I just got a Christmas card from her...signed the couple, his two kids from his previous marriage, and his (now hers) dog (who is in the photo). Incredible.

It hasn't worked for me yet and frankly, at times...I find it depressing. The same cookie cutter profiles, the sea of faces, all the women over 50 (many of whom are very attractive) hoping to find a partner they are attracted to and knowing the odds are not in their favor. The guys even sadden me, because I know a lot of them are decent guys but are being judged by their photos, their age, sometimes their income (if they divulge this) and how they write. And now, at 52, I am one of a sea of faces.

And the men, the SAME faces for YEARS. I have heard that online dating is difficult for men because women are bombarded with emails and men get few. And attractive women have to weed through all the undesirables and frankly, get exhausted in the process. I think this is more true for women under 45.

Anyway, I am battling regrets on how I have lived my life. I was cavalier when I was younger as I was pretty and looked younger than my age. Now at 52, facing life alone. Having to make all my decisions, alone. Trying to figure out where to buy property and settle, alone. Wishing I had been more proactive about finding a partner when I was younger but the truth is, I did try. People tell me I am too picky...they are probably right but I know what is it like to be with the wrong person. I tried with him for 4.5 years and I realized I couldn't do it for the long haul, so I left the relationship. That was 6 years ago and I then had a failed relationship with dude I met through a shared avocation which led to three painful years of extricating myself emotionally from him (it took forever since I had to see him regularly). Now, the good news is: I am over him, have been for the last year. And then I met D.M. And of course, you all know that story!

Obviously marriage is no guarantee of happiness. I have a female relative who is my age, a multi-millionaire who started and sold a company with her husband. Just learned, they are getting a divorce. And despite her wealthy, I don't think it will be easy for her to find a new partner although she is quite outgoing and a real go-getter. Look at Martha Stewart, who went on match.com to find a guy!

So rather than sink into depression, I'm trying to adopt a fun, carefree, can-do attitude as I head into my mid-50's. Wish me luck, ladies, and same to you!

Happy Holidays to all and thanks again to HopefulWithMen for Mirror's reminder about what to do when the DM reappears!; December 21, 2013 at 8:39 AM
Anonymous said...: @chk61
Don´t blame yourself for having led yourself to the point in your life when you regret certain things you did or didn´t do in the past. I am sure you always did the best you could. There´s no need to blame yourself for anything. Because you can´t know how your life would be now if you had made different decisions. Maybe it would be worse, you just can´t know.

@Mirror
I like you reply in No Contact section saying that men don´t need physical contact to develop feelings for a woman. I know this is true but in my life I have met quite a lot of men who tried to brainwash me into believing the opposite just to get me to bed. That´s why when I read your words they felt so reassuring to me.

I have a question regarding online dating but I´ll post it here if I may. The men there are really lazy. Many who reply to my advertisement and I write back to then write a few lines about nothing and attach their telephone number adding that it´s more comfortable to talk than to write. What do you think a woman should do? Write them off, send them my phone number, suggest some more email communication first or what is the best approach in your opinion?

Thank you for your answer and all your articles and posts. I am still learning.

Oh, Mirror, another question has come to my mind in this connection. I used to be that kind of girl who has her heart on her sleeve. Which didn´t work with men, of course, absolutely not. Now that I have been studying all this information, I am much better equipped for dating than before, but I have noticed that it´s difficult for me to be genuine with men and to be myself with them when at the same time I must be watchful for all the things I have learned. In other words, I find it difficult to combine all this knowledge with my true personality.

Well, maybe there is nothing I can ask after all, it just needs more practice to become my new self. (-:

Thank you again for everything and enjoy a peaceful and happy holiday time.
HopefulWithMen; December 22, 2013 at 4:59 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Hopeful, nice to hear from you ;-). Thank you for your comments, but mastered, I have not. I continue to work at applying what I have learned here and, with each application, watch to see their impact (like a kid in awe sometimes), which, in turn, lends to experience (I hope). To your thoughts of a good man coming into my life: from your lips to the universe's action. I'm sooooo ready! lol

Don't give up, Hopeful, on meeting a good man on a dating site... you're experienced, you know what to look for and how to identify bs. The pickings may be slimmer because of your ability to weed out the lazy ones, the flakes, the losers, but that just means you will be able to recognize the good one when he comes along. :-)

A funny story re: the Plumber. I never heard back from him after last Sunday's football text. But on Saturday (after the date Friday), I had my granddaughter (GD) and girlfriend (GF) over -- we were making cookies, etc. We went on M because GF wanted to show me a guy she was chatting with. My 7-yr old GD is sitting in the middle of the two of us and reading the profiles... it was girl-time, for sure.

Me> Do you want to see the man I went on a date with last night?

GD> YEAH!

So I pull up his profile, and we look at his pic. GD swings her head to me, her hair flipping with her turn, she looks up at me with this look of a peer rather than a child and says, "Are you SEEERIOUS???"

Oh my goodness! GF and I burst out laughing. So hard, that it broke GD's chain of thought and she wouldn't explain why she said it.

I spent time with my son and family yesterday and we talked about online dating, men, etc. (his girlfriend is really into my online experience and encouraging me). I asked GD if she remembered what she was thinking when she made the 'seeerious" comment last week and, to my surprise, she remembered.

Grand daughter > He looked mean.

Out of the mouths of babes. ;-)

@ Chk61, keep taking care of yourself. The holidays will pass and if we are lucky, we're going to wake up January 1 with 2013 behind us, and every day in the future an opportunity for anew.

I wish everyone here a peaceful holiday... don't give "The Holidays" too much power over your state of mind. Remember, it is better to be at peace with our choices, than to be with someone who plays games with our heads and hearts...

And, for Ms. Mirror, Thank you for an amazing year of love and support. You are one Awesome Woman!

{{Love to ALL}}; December 23, 2013 at 6:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
"The men there are really lazy. Many who reply to my advertisement and I write back to then write a few lines about nothing and attach their telephone number adding that it´s more comfortable to talk than to write. What do you think a woman should do?"

Sigh. . .yes, lazy seems to be the name of the game online. When a man tosses his number at you like that before even asking your damn name. . .I'd skip over those ones. If they're that lazy and that uninterested in who you are as a human being that early on. . .forget them. They're not going to change later on down the line. However, if you want to crack open the door and test them further, you can respond and give them your number if you're comfortable with it. But DO NOT telephone those men. If they phone you, fine. But do not take the lead with men like that because making things really easy on them quickly leads to them taking advantage.

"In other words, I find it difficult to combine all this knowledge with my true personality."

I understand that and it's normal dear. Change is not easy, particularly when we're attempting to change our own ingrained behaviors that have become our natural reactions. Practice helps and once you get comfortable with the idea, it'll become easier. Just be warm, fun and easy to be around - enjoyable company. That's really all you need to focus on, even when your guard's up. And you can still be all of those things, while carefully observing. Simply pull back and draw away from those that aren't making you feel good about yourself or that are sending out red flags.

Be genuine, but observe at the same time. You don't need to change YOUR behavior, you only need to OBSERVE his and then proceed accordingly :-); December 23, 2013 at 10:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
LOL, isn't it amazing how a child's mind, prior to society filling it full of what they "should" do, think, say, act, etc. . .is so very "on." Meaning, children vibe off of intuition and their gut impulses early in life. What they initially think just flies out of their mouths because they've not yet been told what they "should" do, say, think, act. etc. Once society puts those imposed filters in place, the intuition fades and they begin to do, say, think and act - how we've TOLD them they SHOULD.

Get what I'm saying?

I think a while back early on I sensed a bit of control there with him - the phrase "a battle of wills" is what I think I remember using regarding his behavior. And that's a form of control and control is oppression, it's negative and yes, it can turn mean. And your granddaughter, with her young, open mind - saw it on his face.

So now I'm convinced that any relationship with this man would've been unenjoyable. Not only that, but this also sheds more light on his attempt at making you somewhat feel bad about yourself or trying to make you feel as if you really needed to impress HIM (instead of him feeling he needed to also impress YOU) by letting you know that he was "keeping score" in his head on the date. Like that was supposed to shock you into jumping right into his lap and performing like a circus monkey for him on the date - so that you could "land" him.

I think that man is all about himself. He was more concerned with YOU impressing HIM than he was with HIM impressing YOU. And telling you he was keeping score is a form of control as well if you ask me. . .he was attempting to control and manipulate your behavior that evening. . .to HIS advantage.

Either way, it was a good learning/practice experience for you. And don't be surprised if this guy doesn't resurface eventually either Gem. . .men like that generally do, LOL. They make the rounds looking for the girl who's willing to be the "circus monkey" for them, and when they don't locate her, they circle back around to see if you've "gotten your head together" and have decided that, since he disappeared, next time. . .you'd better perform, LOL ;-)

Don't sweat this Gem. He was a "no go" anyway and your granddaughter helped to confirm that. Additionally, I wouldn't be surprised if in a month or so, this man doesn't "check in" with you, LOL ;-); December 23, 2013 at 10:52 AM
QueenTaurus said...: So I'm a Taurus talking to this gemini and he kinda stood me up so I hadn't spoke to him in 2 days!! When he hit me up this morning he was being all sweet like "GM Beautiful" and I responded back with a simple "gm" and he said "how are you?" Then when I didn't respond back ASAP he txtd again and said "am I too late??" Please give me some insight on this don't know what to say...lol; December 23, 2013 at 11:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @QueenTaurus,
Stood you up? Without explanation or an apology?

NEXT!!!!

That's ignorant, rude and disrespectful. Men who treat you like that early on will only treat you worse later on, particularly when you overlook it and don't show them any consequences of their behavior.

He deserves no contact and no response. DO NOT reward bad behavior and poor treatment with your attention. Bad behavior and poor treatment deserve CONSEQUENCES - no attention, no contact and no response.; December 23, 2013 at 11:28 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

Regarding my granddaughter, yes, the stuff that she comes out with sometimes is just so precious and right on... I see it a lot with kids. Given the space and safety to express themselves with their open hearts and minds, they often will -- and what a gift to see.

Re: Plumber, No sweat at all. It temporarily knocks me out of whack when people switch their behaviors towards me for no apparent reason, but I was good on day 2. The confusing thing for me when experiencing the behavior change, is that I just don't understand it... but I'm learning that I don't have to, I don't need to, and I don't want to understand it... what I have to, need to and want to do is observe, hang back, and maintain my Power when dealing with them.

If Plumber thought I'd jump, he thought wrong -- and he realized it. When I realized what he was doing and called him on it, he back pedaled, denied it, etc. If I remember correctly, once the score card was uncovered (not literally), I made a decision right then and there to really observe:
- him undoing his sleeve buttons and rolling them up as he became comfortable with our conversation,
- after dinner, when he thought I didn't see him, he unbuttoned his top button on his shirt, and tugged it down to have some of his manly chest hair come out... lol, (I had to stop myself from laughing at that one)
- him standing super tall next to me when we walked out of the restaurant,
- him hanging back at my vehicle, and standing as if to get me to come to him to say good night,
- and instead, when I simply thanked him for the dinner and company and got into my car, him reaching for me, but only catching my shoulder because it was too late.

Where I also held on to my Power, and continue to do so is, once I gave him my last name in our texts (days before our date), he immediately went to FB and sent a friend request. When I saw the request that night, I looked at his FB page: no pic of him, just two women 'friends' my age, and I thought, "Hell No!" #1, I am not going to friend him based on advice from Ms. Mirror, and #2, I got the feeling these two women were also women he was/had dated, and I was not going to be part of some harem list of his.

So, his friend request is still sitting, waiting... lol. I keep getting reminders that he's sent me a friend request, and also that he's "added," me. Added me to what, I have no idea; don't know if he can add me to anything if I haven't approved his friend request. Well, whatever. I don't care. If he does contact me, I'll let you know... and I will be surprised.

I will keep soldiering on... but absolutely no emails coming in on M. All winks, likes, etc. which I will not respond to. So, I expect it to be pretty quiet until after the New Year, and I'm still hoping for Logger to come back on to M. According to M, we are a 100% match -- and I find that so very humorous. UGH!! LOL

Oh, I went to Costco today and while we are jammed in line for check out, a guy comes next to me with 1/2 dozen hams... bacon, cheese/crackers and I say with a grin, "You know, you probably could have bought a whole pig with what it's going to cost you for those."

He loved it. We start chit-chatting; he manages group homes and he's buying the hams so the workers will have something while working the holiday, etc.

I tell him how nice that is; he tells me it's my tax dollars at work. We laugh, and when another register comes open, he offers me to go, and then he follows me. I could see he wanted to keep talking, but I didn't know what to say, so I just moved along. But what a nice guy... not as tall as I like them, but he seemed genuine, and gives me hope that THEY ARE out there... and one of these times, one is going to click! ;-); December 23, 2013 at 3:12 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks for the support, all. Damn it, I am still fighting that "holiday" temptation!! As the kids like the say, WTF? Grrrrr...don't worry, haven't done anything. Staying silent. Silent night. If I keep it a silent night, I'll sleep in heavenly peace, right?

The "buts" and the "what if's" are driving me a little batty. I'll be OK.

Hope everyone has a nice Christmas eve and Christmas.; December 23, 2013 at 8:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello there. Does this article pertain to Aquarius males who are known to be detached and will disappear now and again? Supposedly while they're gone they are still thinking about you (whatever that means). I'm a Scorpio woman who met an Aqua ( and yes I know this may not be a great match, lol) about a month ago, fortunately I'd read your article beforehand. He initiated about 80% of the calls which were quite lengthy before we had met in person. We have or had the Scorp/Aqua chemistry I'd read about, even got into a couple of scirmages but he told me he thought I was different and felt like we could be a couple. I didn't agree or disagree, just listened...I was really feeling this guy but I didn't want him to know that! Lol. Our convos continue and I notice he's getting more sexual, to the point that I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him anytime soon, he seemed miffed at first but then said he would wait for me (mind you, I'm 47 and he's 52). Well 2 weeks later we have a second date, he invited me to a Christmas party given by his coworkers and we had a really good time. Afterwards we stayed in a hotel together, which was the plan because I was meeting my family in the same area the next morning to travel out of town...however when those plans were being made and agreed upon I told him AGAIN that there would be no sex, he said he knew he would try but if I wouldn't 'give in' then that would be OK. And that's exactly what happened. He seemed OK with it, the next morning he left before I did because he had to work but not before he left me some Christmas money that I didn't ask for. So now this man who was calling me no less than 3 times a day has not called or returned a text to me in 3 days!!! I'm surprisingly not angry, just hurt and way confused...I need things to make sense. I am absolutely fine with not contacting him for 30 days or not at all, ever again though the sarcastic Scorpio in me wants to ask him if he's bipolar... Maybe I could help him manage his meds!!!! He is the typical absent-minded, intelligent, weird, quirky Aqua. Do I give him a pass because of his so-called 'trait' to disappear or treat him like a typical man and just cut him off?; December 24, 2013 at 5:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Good morning MOA. First I want to wish you an early Merry Christmas and Happy New Years. I just wanted to give you an update on my DM. After 43 days of NC he resurfaces, again. But this time, it’s at 2 in the morning, while I’m sleep -_____- He first calls from a New York number, and I live in North Carolina btw so I’m like who from New York is calling me at 2 in the morning. So naturally I ignored the call and a couple of minutes later I get a text from that same New York number saying, “U up punk, (his name).” S.M.H since I now knew who was contacting me, I really had no problem ignoring the call/text now. This fool has gotten WAAAAAAYYYYYYYY too comfortable contacting me whenever the f*** he feels like it, but I take full responsibility for that, being available to him 90% of the time when he do decide to pop back up. I got so fed up with him treating me like some revolving door and that’s when I stumbled across your blogs and decided to use the NC rule on him. I tried talking to him about how I felt in the past and it’s just very awkward and I feel like everything is going in one ear and out the other, so I was stuck as to what else I can do since obviously talking to him wasn’t working. Looks like men does understand silence, and he probably figured something was wrong since I didn’t wish him a happy birthday last week. But just like you suggested, until I get an apology and an explanation on where the hell he’s been for the past month and a half, he will NOT be getting a response from me. I must say that your blogs have definitely got me to get out of the fantasy of “what if” and open my eyes to the reality of “what is.” And “what is” is that I was, key word WAS his side chick and I let my feelings and emotions overpower my intelligence with this clown. Even our last conversation about us, he told me to “get out of my feelings” so you know what that’s exactly what I did. Since he was always putting me on the backburner, responding back to me when it was convenient for him, I decided to do the same to him. I am in no rush to make him a priority when he’s made me an option for MONTHS. And with that casual text in the wee hours of the morning, I’m even more turned off than I originally was. This NC is working extremely well for me and who knows probably within the next few months he will be my blast from the past, lol. So again, thanks for your blogs. I would probably be a wreck if I didn’t stumble across them, but now I feel confident and strong :-). I must ask, are you a professional match maker by any chance?

Take care and Happy Holidays; December 24, 2013 at 8:14 AM
JD said...: So I was doing great, right? So why do I have the urge to reach out to DM and tell him I'm in town when I'll be in town this weekend for 2 weeks?

WHY would I want to do that? What would he think?

The I tell myself, NO! Shake my head at myself!

I'm beginning to think that maybe there is somethig not right with him afterall. One time I remember I told him I wanted to talk to him about something serious (this was trying to have that "talk") and to my surprise he said he would find the time to call and he did, when he was at work, but I missed it because my phone was on silent. I did not intentionally miss it. I texted him back 'Sorry I missed our call, I was in a shopping zone." I was really out shopping and for a moment forgot my phone was on silent. He didn't text me back after that. I was scheduled to arrive in town a week later and during this week I called him a few times and he wouldn't answer. Then I called him the day before I arrived and he didn't answer. But he kept me on FB lol.

But then I thought for whatever reason, he wasn't interested anymore. So yeah I was bummed but trying to enjoy the rest of my vacation. About 5 days passed and I decided to call him, he didn't answer but I left a voicemail asking him point blank, being straight up, what was up. Basically I was like I've been trying to call you and I have been here for the past 5 day, etc. Are you still interested? <---bad question lol. Then he texts me and was like "uumph, now you decided to call, etc." The told me he tried to call me back that one time when I said I needed to talk to him and since he said I texted back "I'm in a shopping zone." He started to fall back.

WHAT was THAT about? I know it happened a long time ago. But I've always wondered about that. Not trying to linger on what could've been and what happened. But is there another underlying issue I've missed? I just thought it was odd to get mad bc I told him I was in a shopping zone and I had my phone on silent.

And when I did arrive, (we were friends on FB) I posted my plane touched down and that we were in town. People who I knew seeked me out and contacted me. A guy who I did know but wasn't close to and haven't seen for 6 years also texted me wanting to go out. So I'm like, why doesn't this DM seek me out? Like everyone else (and not everyone was a guy who was interested like THAT). I feel as though he wanted me to contact him--when it was ME flying from thousands of miles away.

Does this DM WANT attention? I know he is a self-proclaimed Mama's Boy, everyone adores him, etc. He has a 15 year old daughter and he used to tell me she has him "wrapped" meaning she has him wrapped around her finger. His Mom spoils him to death when she visits and I know showers hm with love and compliments on FB and the phone...maybe his ego is fed and stroked so much that he's USED to getting his way and if someone does somethign so little (like in my opinion unintentionally missing his phone call that one time and texting him back on why...then I unknowingly know he's falling back) he gets upset...this would apply to someone he wants to get with for whatever reason.; December 25, 2013 at 9:02 PM
JD said...: (continued)

I'm really not trying to breath life back into this, but more so just trying to understand what that was all about. When he did text me back after I left that voicemail asking what was up bc I had been in town, all I could think was..ok I'm confused. You would fall back because of that? Because I didn't mean to miss your call since my phone was on silent?

Then he also expressed some jealousy when I posted a pic of me and my guy friends who I hadn't seen in 6 yrs on FB (when we were friends on there). But those guys are like my brothers. I'm not even romantically interested in them. I didn't realize it at the time, but he got mad! LOL! When we were texting each other, he would be like, "whenever you get through, go ahead and finish your time with your Brothers, as you like to call them." LOL! I'm laughing bc I thought he wouldn't get jealous. I mean there are many women who always compliment him on his page.

But again...WHHHHYYY on Earth would I want to contact him and tell him I'm in town? Hey if it's meant to be, we may run into each other, right?

Not that I'd let him off the hook like that. But just so he can see I'm doing just fine. And it's harder to do that when you don't have that connection on FB anymore.

But I MIGHT attend my niece's graduation in June...his middle child goes to the same high school. Isn't that funny? I pray I won't feel anything if I so happen to make eye contact with him or hear his voice, on that day. But maybe someone will tell him to pick up his jaw when he sees ME. LOL! ok wishful thinking. My guys friend told me to make sure I change my look to spark an interest. New hair cut/style maybe. I was quite turned off when he said that. LOL I'm thinking if I do change my hair, it will be FOR ME!

And since I'm learning from that experience, there's this one DM that has been texting me again. I haven't heard from him in 3 months. I make him wait when I respond though. The tips here work. LOL But then again, it's quite frustrating because it's like I don't want to go do this back and forth crap again. He hasn't texted me in the past 3 months...but now he knows I will be in town he's around again. What should I do with him? I thought I was interested but I honestly can't see myself marrying him--and marriage is what I want. But definitely not before gettig to know him and becoming friends. Plus I don't want to lead him on. But he is more mature than the other DM.

Another thing, I'e noticed that since I've been saying more positive affirmations to myself everyday, men that I would find attractive have been checking me out. But the bad part is, I don't smile or even try to indicate I'm
approachable! LOL I just look at them...and quite MEAN. I need to stop that. Really, I do!

3 more days until I touch down at that other state and I already have a plan to go out with 2 of my guy friends, but as a group :-) These are my brothers though, and I love their company because they are some of the most mature men I know! So it's cool to study them. LOL And you know what's nice? They are planning to take some time out of their schedule, one is just getting off from work after my flight arrives in the evening, to be able to go out for a few hours! This guy though is one of those guys you just know there will be nothing more. But I'm just saying. It's good to hang out with the opposite sex when there are no expectations, just genuine friendship.; December 25, 2013 at 9:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 24, 8:14 AM,
"I must ask, are you a professional match maker by any chance?"

No dear, I'm not a professional. I'm simply a woman who has "been there, done that" and learned many a lesson along the way. Valuable lessons about observation, intuition, confidence, standing your ground - all of it, I learned the hard way, LOL ;-) But I felt the lessons were valuable enough to share with others so that they too may learn to navigate the modern day dating land mine without getting an arm or a leg blown off and I'm so happy when I read comment like yours and see that yes. . it does work to give women strength :-); December 26, 2013 at 11:13 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 24, 5:54 AM,
"Do I give him a pass because of his so-called 'trait' to disappear or treat him like a typical man and just cut him off?"

No dear, don't give disappearing men the benefit of doubt. If you do that, you basically signal to them that it's okay for them to treat you poorly because you'll still be there, no matter what. Never reward bad behavior or poor treatment with more of your time and attention. Bad behavior and poor treatment (just like with children and pets) deserves consequences, not more of your attention. When your dog pees on the floor, you do not give it a treat. Instead, to let the message that that's not okay sink in, you issue a consequence, and you place the dog outside, away from you.

Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option dear :-); December 26, 2013 at 11:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"The told me he tried to call me back that one time when I said I needed to talk to him and since he said I texted back "I'm in a shopping zone." He started to fall back. WHAT was THAT about?"

That was about his level of emotional immaturity and his inability to be understanding and mature. Instead, he decided to act childishly and began to act out immaturely in a "tit for tat" manner - a sort of "I'll teach you" type childish mentality because he's insecure and felt rejected and was unable to handle it in a mature manner.

"But is there another underlying issue I've missed?"

Well, it appears that he's emotionally immature and either unable or not ready for a real relationship.

"You would fall back because of that? Because I didn't mean to miss your call since my phone was on silent?"

He's insecure, immature and childish dear :-(; December 26, 2013 at 12:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Annon from Dec 24 5:54a......thank you for your response and opinion. I'm divorcing after 22 yrs of marriage and to be honest this dating thing seems like too much work! I may not have the fortitude right now to deal with the bull crap.....maybe I'll breed dogs instead, but my 2 dogs are still peeing on the floor!! Lol. Thanks again; December 26, 2013 at 3:47 PM
Leanne said...: I waited the 3 days to reply to my DM, and got a reply later the same day. Do I wait the same amount of time to reply back or wait a bit longer? Tbh I am not sure if I want him back in the scene - we had a few dates before he disappeared, and he hasn't addressed the disappearing act whatsoever!; December 26, 2013 at 4:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

I just want to share my latest news. Of all the men I have communicated with through a dating site just one sent me Christmas greetings. Guess which one? The player who brought me here last year. As I already wrote here, we met, had good conversations but then he was repeatedly disrespectful, didn´t bring me a Christmas present although he had asked me what I wanted, tried manipulative ways with me, so I broke up with him. Later he contacted me repeatedly, we met again, the meeting was not much success on either side but at least he helped me with my broken bike. I thought I would never hear from him and now he messages me Christmas greetings.

What I want to say is how I have changed since last year. Last year, in a similar situation, I would have jumped on his message immediately but now I am nonchalant. I haven´t responded to him because his motivation won´t be innocent and if I do, he will think he is on a pedestal again. On the other hand, he´s the only one who has remembered me, after all those arguments and being dumped. Isn´t it strange? It feels a bit nostalgic. I had several dates with a few other men, which were nice although we didn´t seem to be compatible, but none of them sent anything.

So maybe I will send him a New Year´s greeting. What do you think? I think I am ready to relate to him in a purely friendly manner. The problem is that I think I am, but the reality might prove the contrary. He was excellent at pushing my buttons. That´s why I am hesitant.

I hope you all have had pleasant holidays.
HopefulWithMen; December 26, 2013 at 5:36 PM
JD said...: MOA,

that's why my friend told me he was "punishing me" for when I did contact him, he would contact me back, but only when HE was READY to and he sure did make me wait. I've got a feeling that yes, the unfriending on FB maybe a tit for tat thing as well. But who really knows...I didn't perceive that phone call thin then falling back as a sign of being emotionally insecure. Gosh, it was SO confusing! At times I felt like asking, "What the heck do YOU want?" That should've been a clear indication for me! Although my discernment was so clouded at the time. Daaanng. It would probably be emotionally draining to try to be with him...maybe Mama is making it worse!; December 26, 2013 at 8:32 PM
Scorpiolady said...: @Anonymous Dec 24, 5:54 AM

Hi there! I'm a Scorpio currently involved w an Aquarius man as well. Nope, I don't think you should treat him any different from other men... as I have a very good female friend who's a Scorpio too and she has an Aquarius man who's absolutely devoted to her. In fact, in terms of being detached, she's the one who always says she needs her space, and he's the one who complains about her being distant at times. Actually, Scorpios can be fiercely private too, don't you think? And my Aquarius guy... well I know he is quite the lone ranger. I think it stems from them being self-centered, on top of being intelligent and quirky.

Anyhow, he did the disappearing act for two days recently. To be honest, my mind was racing w all possibilities - from had he returned to his ex-girlfriend to did he not like me anymore, was it over... lol... but I forced myself to wait for him to initiate contact. I was also quite angry, as you were! Lol.

But how I handled it this time was by taking the approach of acting as if I didn't even notice he was missing. Meaning when he resurfaced, I took some time to reply his message as I would have, to a normal friend and gave him no attitude about it.

But I feel like every situation could be evaluated differently. In my case, maybe it's because we have had consistent contact over a very long period of time - we have known each other for several months - that's why I could overlook this 2 days. Furthermore, he's told me beforehand he's going to be very busy w work for several days and didn't turn up for group gatherings and celebrations as well, so I tried my very best to be understanding and let him be.

Another thing, Aquarius and I like to tease each other... ahem... sexually... and yeah, it's fun to play and flirt around but I've never felt pressured to do anything that I don't want to, nor will I give in. It wasn't long ago that I came to realise he actually enjoyed the teasing so much! He will literally push me to a corner just to tease me. So it's okay not to give him what he wants ;-)

And another thing, if our Scorpio-Aquarius pairing is anything alike, it's very important not to just stay at the shallow, passionate level of attraction - otherwise things won't feel "real" and they won't progress. I guess it might be Aquarius detached nature and Scorpio's fiercely private one... we tend not to probe or ask too many questions, neither do we offer much information on our own. It's important to make the effort to want to know him on a deeper level - in a degree of openness you're comfortable with. Slowwwly, slowwwly.

Well, that's mostly what I want to say!

Cheers and happy holidays!; December 27, 2013 at 2:34 AM
JD said...: Guess who texted me?!

The DM that I have been crying and over analyzing about!!!

I didn't even respond..yet..maybe I will, maybe I won't! Whe I did text him the last time, a long time ago, and he never texted back...well here is his response, maybe not to that, but to his knowledge of me coming that way.

"Umph didn't know if I should respond. Since you went all in on me. With no understanding of my circumstances. But when you get here, it's fine if you want to contact me."

Um, I had NO expectations. Yes I went all in because I asked your butt where this was going and you IGNORED me and told me I was kinda demanding...and then after 6 weeks you did respond but talked about how I didn't let you explain your work schedule..but YOU asked me to call you about it...and even then you never addressed the question of, "Where is this going?"

Understanding of YOUR circumstances? I freaking slept with you after being celibate for 6 years and you disrespected me! And you're saying I went all in on you, yes I had a valid reason! What, now I'e got to get permission to contact you when I'm there?

OMG. I just go back to those feelings I went through months ago. I laughed for about an hour when I got that text. No apology...nothing...like I'm supposed to feel sorry for him. Dude, do you even know what you put me through? Plus YOU unfriended me!

This is sooooo funny! Cause this time, I am armed with the wisdom I've gained from the experience and this site.

Ok, well add my experience to the books, DM makes contact after 4 months! That other DM after 3 months. OMG I'm seeing immature and childish all over that response and this man is 41 yrs old SMH! :-( Do you think he wondered why I didn't even complain over the FB situation?

I know I cannot compromise what I believe in again. I just go back to the agony and rejection I felt. Man it was TERRIBLE.; December 27, 2013 at 2:40 AM
Scorpiolady said...: @Anonymous Dec 24, 5:54 AM,

Hmm I just re-read your post and realised my comment might not be helpful enough. Well, at this point in time, you have to wait and see how long it takes for him to resurface - 3 days is still alright, given you have only known each other for a month. When he reappears, you might want to take some time to reply him, maybe mirror his 3 days and sound polite and civil, yet slightly impersonal. If, however, the length of time is way too long to be respectful, then perhaps cut him off! Up to how you feel is deserving of your dignity.; December 27, 2013 at 2:52 AM
chk61 said...: Well, I got through Christmas and still in one piece. Still feeling temptation to drop him a line. Haven't done it so we're in the clear.

I'm taking a bit more time to reflect and take stock before I put my profile back online after the New Year. Thinking of crafting a new one and putting it on a different site (match). Yes, he's on there, of course, but I fall out of his desired age range on THAT site by one year (he has a greater age range on the site we met one, go figure) so hopefully I won't come up in his searches. Can't worry about that anyway. I want to put this man behind me and let go of the fantasy, and for me, that will probably take someone new. Certainly I'm not meeting any new men in "real" life since I mostly work from home and my social group is the same people.

For now, I'm laying low. I think it's a good time to take time off from the crazy pace of modern life, just power down, lie around and regroup.; December 27, 2013 at 10:28 AM
Leanne said...: Just a note to say that we made plans to meet up when he got back from holiday and then he disappeared for 3 weeks!; December 27, 2013 at 6:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"But when you get here, it's fine if you want to contact me."

He's basically inviting YOU to chase HIM - which I would not do. Don't give him the satisfaction and/or the opportunity to use you and then disappear again. Remember. . .he unfriended you, and now, he's inviting you to chase him around. This guy is clueless and that's not going to change in a few short days or weeks passing by.

Bask in the glow of coming out on top here. . .and leave this one stew at the bottom for a while. At the very least, until he apologizes for his treatment of you :-); December 27, 2013 at 6:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Whew...didn't contact DM with a Christmas greeting. That was extremely difficult - my heart kinda' hurts and I feel sad. Now if I can make it though New Year's without caving. Godspeed!

Astrid .; December 27, 2013 at 8:09 PM
JD said...: MOA I'm not violent but I wanted to choke him after that text! Just totally clueless, totally! And chase YOU? YOU said you were falling back, heck YOU unfriended ME. Then like I'm to blame for not understanding his "circumstances" nah, fool. I'm not falling for it.; December 27, 2013 at 9:21 PM
JD said...: Oh what it his right mind would want to unfriend me then suggest I should chase him around? Why do guys do that? That's ridiculous! I'm not going to emotionally drain myself again.; December 28, 2013 at 6:16 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Hopeful and Chk61 and Ms. Mirror and All, (1 of 2)
I'm in the same boat. Scorpio text me a holiday greeting Christmas morning. I responded in kind; trying to hold on to my needs/wants... but I can feel myself wavering. I keep telling myself my desire for him is due to the holidays, the lazy men on the dating site, my fantasy of him rather than reality, and convincing myself that one great night with him would not set me back. (Not good thinking.)

I revamped my profile a few days ago on Match to explain I won't respond to winks and likes, and I'm still getting them... it's unbelievable. I'm ready to end the online thing. Thinking about the date w/Plumber, I'm convinced he was expecting a hook-up. During dinner, he told me 3x his 21 yr old son lived with him. Each time, I just said, "Ok," or "that's great." I didn't see what he was getting at.

When we talked about a dinner I had cooked the weekend before for my gf's grandson to watch the game over my house (she doesn't cook beef), several times Plumber stated, "And you didn't invite me over?" When I said, "I don't invite men over to my home that I don't know," he responded saying the same thing. (I didn't get it.)

And then when I shared that the grandson created a plumbing problem while there, he again said, "And you didn't call me to come over?" When I explained I wouldn't do that, I don't remember his response, but I do remember being a little confused over his not understanding I wouldn't call a man I don't know to help me fix a problem in my home.

Duh! I think he was looking for me to invite him over after the date, and when he didn't get an easy lay, he moved on. Well, thank goodness I gave more attention to me and my needs, than his.

Anyway, back to Scorpio. I'm itching, for sure, to contact him. So, what do I do instead? I continually talk myself out of the impulse and freaken' have a dream Thurs night about meeting Logger. In the dream, we have coffee at a coffee shop, music comes on, and we dance. Just the two of us, in the middle of this shop. He is tall and strong, and we fit as we just sway to the music. And then I wake up. And lying in my bed, Ms. Mirror, guess what I hear? A bell. One ring, not loud as in the past, just a soft sweet ring.

I fell back to sleep and forgot about the dream until I was driving to work and a song came on. I don't remember what song it was, but in my mind, I saw myself dancing, being held, and then Logger (who I've never freaken' met!!! and now I think I'm just crazy!!!) lol

I couldn't shake this all day. I visited this blog and just read, read, read trying NOT to react. But I kept feeling like Scorpio's action, the dream, the bell, the recall of dancing were all signs pushing me, and so I said to myself: "F it." I'm going to DO SOMETHING. I write a draft email to Logger, I don't do anything with it. I also think about what to text Scorpio to see if he wants to come over. (I know, I know, I know ladies... but this is the truth.); December 28, 2013 at 10:16 AM
Gemini50 said...: 2 of 2

GF texts me in afternoon to get together for dinner at my house. Ok, I take it as the universe's intervention. (This will deflect my text to get Scorpio to come over.) But I'm still sick of Match, ready to shut the damn thing down, and am thinking of that dream. So, when I got home, I poured myself a beer, sat at the computer alone, and sent Logger the email to his Match account (which I think is inactive, but maybe he'll see he has an email). I know it's initiating, I understand it could provide an avenue for a lazy man, but I have to make the effort before I walk away from Match. If I get nothing back, I'll be fine; if Logger responds, I'll use the skills that I've learned here when moving forward.

I have questions for you Hopeful and Chk61: Are you initiating communications on the dating site you are on? Are you responding to the winks/likes, etc? How are you maneuvering through the online dating landscape? (thx)

I am hanging on, and to everyone from the outside, I am in control. But to tell you the truth, I can't wait for these holidays to be over.

C'mon 2014!!!! ;-); December 28, 2013 at 10:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Well remember dear, you are free to do as you please. And if you decide to take action, you just need to be prepared for an outcome that may or may not fit your expectations. If you can do that without being set back, then it will do less harm than it would've done previously. However, if you feel you're not strong enough to suffer say, rejection and/or ignorance - and/or the possibility of being used - then don't make the move. Because YOU are what matters here and YOU are the only one able to look out for yourself.

So if you do contact Scorpio just make sure you're prepared to handle whatever outcome may or may not result in a mature manner that will not set you back drastically - and you'll be okay :-); December 28, 2013 at 10:25 AM
Gemini50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,
Thanks; I think sending that email to Logger was what I needed to do. He was the reason I joined Match in the first place, and if I left without making that one effort, I think I would have regretted it and wondered 'what if' for a very long time.

I think I am just going to wait to see what happens next. Wait to see if I hear from Logger and wait to see if Scorpio continues to make an effort.

Scorpio's actions could be because of the influence of the holidays as well, rather than a change of intention. And I continually remind myself of his 'reality' rather than the fantasy we had in our little fwb thing. I keep thinking of how he was when we first got together, and before I ended it, and wanting THAT man to reappear instead of the play mate, which is what he became when we got together the 2nd time.

And then I think of your articles and how a man shows his best side until he gets what he wants, I wonder if Scorpio showed me something else in the beginning just to get what he wanted and would have turned into the player whether I had ended it or not the first time.

Yeah, too much thinking about Scorpio and the online men. I've just got to get back to center... and focus on me. ;-)

Thanks again, and Hugs to all.; December 28, 2013 at 10:46 AM
chk61 said...: @Gemini50:

If Plumber had said "And you didn't invite me over?" ONCE as a joke (and not a very good one), that would be one thing. But the fact that he said it several times would not make it funny, it would make it odd and/or awkward since you were on a first date. Can't figure that one out unless he was just nervous and kept repeating himself. Or as you said, he was hoping you actually would invite him back to your place.

I was out with some friends last night, a couple who met on Match three years ago. She is 48, he is 58. They were the couple who ran into D.M. at an event a few months ago and the male of the couple went up to him and talked to him, which apparently motivated D.M. to email me the following week (this was in mid-October) after a 30 day disappearing act. So I confessed to them last night that I was fighting urges to contact D.M.. They both said "oh no, don't do it" and then he said "oh go ahead, if you want to" and she said "don't do it, it will just fuel your obsession"....but then she again backtracked. I know that asking friends about these things isn't always going to yield the best advice.

So I am holding strong and not contacting him. I have been trying to examine my motivation and asking myself why I would want to contact this man who wasn't very nice to me and who obviously isn't that interested. What I do to stop myself is to imagine the possible emotional roller coaster it would put me on. I try to calculate the chances that MY contacting HIM would soften his heart and make him want to have a relationship with me. I realize those chances are slim unless HE comes to ME. So I stay SILENT.

As far as initiating online, yes I have emailed men first. Yes, I did initiate with the D.M. I met about 4 other this year that I initiated the first contact and frankly, I was not interested in a second date with any of them. 3 out of 4 of these men wanted to see me again. So for me, the fact that I initiated did not matter since none of them floated my boat.

My 46 year old girlfriend, never married, initiated the first email with a man (47) on Match in January of 2013. In November of 2013 she moved into his house and they seem quite happy and serious. She left 20 years of living in the city to move WAY out in the far suburbs to be with him and I think they're in it for the long haul, eventually marriage. He is a solid guy and seems very smitten with her. And SHE made the first move online. (I'm not saying it's a good idea, but I'm just pointing out that there are always exceptions to the rule).

Do I respond to winks and likes? No. Do I respond to emails that say "hey, how are you". No. Do I respond to emails loaded with spelling and punctuation errors? Hell, no!

Agreed Gemini50, I am also looking forward to getting through New Years Eve and feeling ready for a fresh start with continued No Contact. Hoping my urges to contact D.M. don't get the best of me. And yeah, maybe tiptoeing back into the fun-filled online dating world (sigh).

Happy New Year to all!; December 28, 2013 at 10:52 AM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini50

I agree with Mirror´s warning and advice. Think carefully whether you are really strong enough to handle Scorpio. I remember how your contributions regarding Scorpio always had an underlying sad tone and since you started dating, although it´s frustrating as I perfectly understand, you sound different, much more alive and optimistic... So be careful with opening the door to the past.

As for my experience with dating online: dating sites with profiles are rare in my area, so I don´t have problems with winks and smiles. I have an online text advertisement and I only reply to men who introduce themselves in the very first email, attach basic data about who they are, etc. I don´t respond to hi´s or two word replies. I used to, but it led nowhere so I gave up on those completely. On the whole, I am fed up with all this online thing. I´ve come across quite a lot men with fake identities, liars, men who oversee the basic requirements in my advertisement, unpleasant men, etc. In most cases after an exchange of one or two emails communication dies out. Then I have two or three weeks´ break and after that I usually, not always, put up a new advertisement and try my luck again. I don´t have any emotions about it anymore, it´s become a routine, like work tasks.

I am quite an introverted person and have always had problems to meet men in real world, but I feel that maybe I should tread in that direction. Tomorrow I am going to a big concert and I intend to watch for a nice man in the audience to exchange a few words with during the break. Hopefully, I won´t forget my intention.lol Practice makes perfect.

I wish you all a nice weekend and be careful with all your decisions. I haven´t responded to the player yet and I am not sure if I will. I really don´t know.

HopefulWithMen; December 28, 2013 at 12:04 PM
Anonymous said...: @Scorpiolady....anonymous Dec 24 5:54a

Thanks for your input, this thing was so new that I really can't put much more energy into trying to figure it out. I'm just gonna chalk it up to his insincerity. As a Scorp I think I give Aqua men too much of my energy and then I NEVER get any of it back. My bro and I argue fiercely, the latest Aqua man and 1 other were always pulling on me, calling me like crazy....they never were satisfied with texting (my bro also)....I was often looking for a Lil space from these guys. My oldest son, I call a 'hippie, is Aqua and is so loveable to me!!! I evidently attract these guys cuz I guess I'm a lil off and peculiar also but they make me cringe after awhile from their uncompromising ways. Its funny, my bro was with me when I met this latest guy and he told me to be 'nice' to him!! Lol. I was nice and at the least very entertaining to him...; December 28, 2013 at 4:59 PM
Rickie said...: Rickie here again:

I just had to share this b/c I was laughing my butt off!
The man-child whom I've been dealing with in our "seeing each other relationship", where we haven't SEEN each other in two months, got all bitchy with me last night during our dragged out, boring text conversation.

Worthwhile to note, I have been letting him do all the initiating for three weeks now. Sometimes I won't hear from him for 5-6 days, but I've gotten over the panic of that.

He took 3 hours to reply to my last statement in his initiated conversation, and when he DID finally reply with a lame one word response, I said "Well, I'm on my way out for the evening. Talk to you later. Have a great night!" I got a snotty reply of "Well ok then. Fine. Don't talk to me anymore tonight. Good night." I had to laugh. lol I said "I'm going out for the evening. ??? Am I not supposed to do that or something?" THIS was my favorite reply - "I didn't say that. I just think it's odd that you're abruptly ending our conversation like it's forbidden for you to be talking to me while you're out tonight." OMG, I was laughing out loud!!! lol He drops off without a word on pretty much 95% of our conversations. I merely told him that it was rude to be texting when you're out with people, and rude to keep people hanging...so I was being considerate by letting him know why he probably wouldn't be hearing from me again tonight. He said, "Ok. Have fun." I said "Hopefully! Good night." Got a "Night" back. Haven't heard anything today. lolololol

Mind you, during a convo last week, he had said a few things in an attempt to be funny that I called him out on, and he said "I'm a jerk that you've fallen in love with, and you are a woman I'm not far behind." My reply to THAT one was "Well, I can tell you that you're definitely a jerk." lol

I was briefly toying with contacting him today, but nah. Let him stew...maybe think I was out with someone else. It was in fact a night out with a group of old high school friends. We get together every couple of months. :) I didn't even get a Merry Christmas message from him, and not once has he mentioned finally getting together. So :-P to him. Assuming I should keep doing what I'm doing......

This CAN be fun. Hope he likes feeling like I used to at his hands.; December 28, 2013 at 5:06 PM
Rickie said...: (I had originally posted in the 'No Contact' article, but my idiot is also a disappearer/reappearer, although not for longer than 6 days so far......lol.); December 28, 2013 at 5:30 PM
VirgoPal said...: Gemini-

Even though I am at the point of discontinuing any further online dating at this point because of poor results, I am going to share my experience. Typically I will view a guy's profile who I may be interested in. At times, especially on Match or E-harmony, I would like a photo, wink or answer the questions on the page. However, I rarely email guys. I've found that men will look at your profile after any contact is made regardless of the method used. I'm very traditional, so I look to the man to make the first contact. Maybe that is why I lack good fortunes on the online sites? I've found many people, even those who are looking for serious relationships, are looking for the perfect person, and as we all know, that doesn't exist. Additionally, most players will try to say they are looking for a relationship even if their profile states the contrary.; December 28, 2013 at 9:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61, Gemini50 and the Ladies,
"SHE made the first move online. (I'm not saying it's a good idea, but I'm just pointing out that there are always exceptions to the rule)."

Yes, there are always exceptions and the biggest one, the thing that makes the difference. . . .is the man's maturity.

In any environment, online or not, mature men that are ready for a real relationship can maturely handle all that goes along with that AND they can handle an assertive woman without taking her for granted and/or taking advantage of her. It's the number one reason why, when I sense insecurity and/or immaturity in the men women are discussing here, I advise them to steer clear of them. Immature men simply cannot help themselves from. . .well, acting immaturely (taking advantage, being cocky and arrogant, being ignorant and over-confident, feeling entitled, etc.) Much like children, emotionally immature men cannot reign in their emotions and instead, act on them (in selfish, childish ways), most times, without even realizing how they are behaving and appearing to others on the receiving end of it. Immature men think it's "macho" when the reality is that it's simply childish. Which is why macho men generally do not make for good mates, boyfriends and spouses.

Sure, you can marry those men and have a lasting relationship, but most times, doing so successfully means that YOU have to make mostly everything about HIM while placing YOUR needs aside constantly, which to me, is not fair and does not constitute happiness in its true form.

Emotional maturity is critical to a lasting committed relationship. Which is why emotionally immature men are generally not worth it in the long run. At first it may appear to be working, but years later, the woman can begin to feel drained, exhausted, neglected and sometimes even emotionally abused by an immature man - so it's critical to focus on the man's level of maturity :-); December 29, 2013 at 9:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Rickie,
Let him stew on that. He was rude to infer that you should still be giving him attention even when out with others and it signals his hefty need for attention and ego stroking. He wants YOU to place HIM first, as a priority, while HE sits back like a lazy man and does nothing, treating you like an option that's supposed to be sitting around, doing nothing and waiting on him.

Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option - NEVER.

Besides, deep down, he knows what he's doing. Don't let him fool you there. He has gone so far as to even refer to himself as a jerk. So he knows EXACTLY what he's doing and yes, he also knows it's wrong. So let him chew on that a while and figure things out for himself. Don't put your life on hold for a man that isn't even bothering to see you and/or ask you out on dates, etc. Live your life and if he wants you and he decides to grow up - he knows where to find you :-); December 29, 2013 at 10:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @VirgoPal and the Ladies,
"even those who are looking for serious relationships, are looking for the perfect person, and as we all know, that doesn't exist."

Very true and men in particular seem to really be the victims of the "there's something better out there" phenomenon that online dating tends to create. It ultimately leads to them becoming serial daters, players and non-committal types.

I once saw a relationship expert address this concept. He said, "If you find someone that fits 70% of your needs, the other 30% can be worked out. The best you can expect to find is about a 75% match. Make sure your top 3 "must haves" are fulfilled by the individual and most times, the rest can be worked out via compromise."

There are no golden butterflies - so don't bother chasing them or expecting to find them :-)

"Additionally, most players will try to say they are looking for a relationship even if their profile states the contrary."

Absolutely! That's the players entire game - to disarm you by feeding you all that they think you want to hear with lightening speed, fast tracking you into the bedroom stage and delivering the illusion that they're "playing for keeps."

But if you study their profiles carefully, the signs are usually all there. You know the types. The guys that "like to be spontaneous" (calling at 2AM for a booty call), the guys that are adventure junkies that enjoy taking risks "I like to skydive and free climb" (and bolt the minute the excitement dies down), the guys that state that their last relationship didn't work because "my ex was psycho" (he drove her over the edge with his inconsistent behavior), the guys who state up front that they don't like jealous women (signaling that they have a lot going on "behind the scenes" that they prefer to get away with) and the guys who are "really great friends" with their exes (because they still sleep with them about once every 3 months or so, when they hit a dry spell). . .it's usually all present even if they attempt to hide it.

Most people will tell you "don't read between the lines" but when dating online, you have to learn to develop that skill so that you avoid wasting your time and/or falling victim to a man that deep down, isn't even capable of a real, committed relationship.; December 29, 2013 at 10:22 AM
Anonymous said...: I love coming this post almost everyday and reading all your posts. It is cozy, safe and interesting to read all the experiences women have when navigating the dating world. It is scary but if you look at it we are all facing very similar situations. Sometimes I read posts and cringe and think don't do that girl, don't don't....oops you did. My DM came back and disappeared again but so glad he was the one who contacted me last so I am not too worried even though I do wonder hmm...what's he up to, why did he disappear again will he attempt to contact me again even though I blew him off 2 weeks ago.

chk61 and all the other ladies fighting the holiday "temptation" to contact him DON'T!. Why? Well think about it. If you do contact him via email, FB, text or whatever, what is going to happen? You may get a response (best case scenario) but you may get a simple "thanks you too". How would you feel? Probably like shit because it was NOT what you expected. We are emotional by nature and expect that these men act the same. So you will left feeling empty. If he doesn't respond at all you will also feel terrible and check your email non stop to see if he did respond. This just sets you back and makes you feel bad again. The best way to get through this is to meet someone new. The second you do, then you can do whatever you like. I can't remember who on here said they couldn't fight back and wrote him a message to wish him well for the holidays. As Mirror said if you do, just be prepared for an outcome.

I know the holidays are tough on everyone because we all get too emotional. I think these men get emotional too which is why you see people in long term relationships break it off or some remain together and build a stronger bond.

I am expecting my DM to resurface but like I said if he does write me again I will respond but this time differently. Not as quickly respond to his messages, be unavailable, sometimes don't respond, keep him guessing don't express how much I like him back and try and get 2 messages before I respond.

chk61 the what ifs and the buts are horrible are completely normal. I know why you want to email your DM. You want to see if you can get some closure like "chk61 the reason we didn't work out is because..." I am the same as you I like answers and think logically. Maybe one day in the future you will be ready to send him that hello happy holiday email and be objective with your feelings but until then don't worry about him so that you can give off that feeling to other men that you are single and ready to mingle :)

Ladies I am testing Mirrors advice on 5 different guys. Ironically since I started following MOAs rules I have managed to gain a fan club of 5 guys! Amazing how it works. I get messages from them on a daily basis several times. Some disappear for a day or 2 but then BOOM pop up and begin messaging me. They try their best to extend conversations when I do answer their hi how are you. I am not interested in any of them so I ignore them. When I do respond, I do it only because I feel bad. They ask a million questions and are interested. I bet if I turned nice, mushy and showed I cared, or initiated I would not hear from them. Hope this experiment of mine helps you ladies.; December 29, 2013 at 10:32 AM
chk61 said...: @Mirror, I totally agree with what you said about the emotional maturity of the man. That is the key difference. My friend's boyfriend (the one she just moved in with) is, as I described, solid, mature, wanting a committed relationship, and a one woman man. When I met him, I knew right away he was a keeper. He is divorced with two children in high school which is why my friend moved out to his house in the exurbs. So my friend just lucked out (although we all know there are no guarantees). And BTW, she met him on a free dating site (OKC), not Match. Not that that means anything but...just another interesting detail.

I was afraid she was moving too quickly with him, moving into his house in less than a year's time, but she told me they both wanted the same things, they figured this out really early on, and they were very compatible and attracted to each other. She says she is amazed at how she met him. And having met him twice, I can see that she hit the jackpot with him. I wish them well.

"Very true and men in particular seem to really be the victims of the "there's something better out there" phenomenon that online dating tends to create. It ultimately leads to them becoming serial daters, players and non-committal types."

My D.M. confirmed this the LAST night I saw him! I think I've mentioned this before but we had JUST "consummated" our er, non-relationship, and this came out of his mouth: "yeah, with online dating you always think there is something better out there". Oh, what a sweet thing to say in the moments after we were intimate. And he said other things that I won't repeat here but suffice it to say, I did not leave that experience with a warm, fuzzy feeling. Quite the opposite and as is quite obvious, I am still recovering from it. :-(

Onwards and upwards. 2014 will be a better year, it has to be!; December 29, 2013 at 10:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"And BTW, she met him on a free dating site (OKC), not Match. Not that that means anything but...just another interesting detail."

She really did hit the jackpot there. And it's not that it can't be done, it's just that that's not really the majority of the times - hers is more of an example of a small minority, almost an exception if you will. Because unfortunately, the free sites in particular tend to draw more lazy men into them. Men who don't want to pay to meet a nice woman and men who seek something for nothing. So the reality is that with the free sites, nine times out of ten (you're girlfriend being the 10th, LOL). . .you have to filter through a sea of lazy men to find the gem that's hidden there ;-)

But this story should give you all hope ladies. Good men DO still exist and they ARE still out there :-); December 29, 2013 at 11:36 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks Anonymous, 12/29/13 at 10:32 AM:

No, truthfully I'm not looking for closure when I have the temptation to contact him. My fantasy is that I quickly receive his reply that he is so happy that I contacted him because he was thinking I was angry at him, or that I was not interested and he'll respond with: "hey, so great to hear from you! I have been thinking of you and would love to get together with you. I feel badly about the way things went down with us." or something along those lines. And trust me, I am well aware that based on my my history with this D.M. this is unlikely to occur.

As Mltn reminded me recently and Mirror teaches, these men do not need a reminder that we exist. He has not forgotten me. He has just chosen to not contact me and over 60 days have gone by. Yes, he is battered emotionally by his divorce and failed relationship after that. But he knows I cared for him, he knows where I live, he knows my email and he knows my phone number. He knows where to find me and guess what, he hasn't tried to in over 60 days. OVER 60 days. I had to repeat that so it could sink in.

I fought the temptation hard yesterday. I called my college roommate instead of contacting him and she talked me out of it. I came here and posted to avoid contacting him. I read other articles online about women going through the exact same thing. Big thanks for the support here from Mirror and all you ladies who know exactly what I am talking about!

I am working on cleaning my mental house for the new year coming in shortly....these thoughts of him taking free rent space in my brain have got to go! I agree, the best medicine is someone new but in the meantime, we must love ourselves and take care of numero uno.; December 29, 2013 at 12:09 PM
Rickie said...: As always, I appreciate your advice, Ms. Mirror. :)

Since zodiac signs are a theme on here, just wondering if it matters that he and I are both Pisces. Not sure if stubborness is a Pisces trait, or if it has something to do with being Italian...which we ALSO both are. lol; December 29, 2013 at 12:19 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and Chk61, Hopeful and All the Ladies,

Although I came sooooo close to contacting Scorpio several times this weekend, I haven't done it. I've been trying to keep myself busy instead.

Your info sharing is very helpful -- thank you!

Gotta get up and get moving again to shut off the brain... I'll check back later! ;-); December 29, 2013 at 12:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA,

I know I've already made a massive mistake but please help me decide my next move please?
I met a guy online and he seemed genuine. He lives in the cayman islands and I live in the UK. He showed a lot of interest in me with regular phone calls and Skype messages. He even introduced me to his 12 year old daughter on Skype. We made plans to see each other in person. He offered to come to me but I wanted to have a holiday and get some sunshine (Its cold in England, lol) so I opted to come to see him. He quickly followed up with emailing me two separate flight itinaries but because they were on inconvenient day/times I declined them.

He had gone to a lot of trouble trying to buy a flight for me (I have genuine proof of this as I was personally in discussion with his local travel agent). It all seemed hopeless that all the indirect flights to Cayman Islands involved an overnight stay in USA (something I did not want to do) or you had to pay thousands more dollars for a direct flight - something he said he couldn't afford right now. He suggested we leave it until April 2014 where he wanted to invite me to St Kitts to a sporting event.

I was so dismayed at the thought of waiting that long to see him that I went online myself and I saw a cheap flight (that did not involve an overnight stay in USA) and immediately bought it because it was the last seat going. I called him and told him of it and emailed him my flight itinery.

He sounded fine about that and told me that he will reimburse me the cost of the flight when I get over there. I requested that he give me half the money now as I have some bills to pay and he can give me the other half when I see him. He agreed to this but I've noticed that since my purchase he has been very scarce in terms of his contact with me and I can feel some distance now. I asked him (by text) if there is something wrong and he said "no". I told him that I noticed he was quiet towards me and he said he is just quiet sometimes. He called me the next day but I missed his call as I was in the bathroom. I sent him a text, asking him to call back, he sent one back saying "not now, later". He did not call me later. When I called him the next day, we spoke briefly then he told me he is at work and will call me back later that evening. Well, he did not call. Therefore, I have decided not to contact him again.

My flight to the Cayman islands is not due until this Thursday. Why is he not contacting me? We haven't had a proper conversation since I bough that ticket. I can see he is online to others on whatsapp but he is not contacting me. I am itching to confront him again but I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and signalling neediness and insecurity. What should I do? Should I contact him and ask him directly if he has changed his mind about me coming over? Or should I just leave him in silence? Should I give him a deadline to respond to me? This is really bugging me!

I have contemplated cancelling the flight and seeing if I can get some of my money back (I know I will lose some of it due to cancellation fees) but on the other hand I have no verbal proof that he has changed his mind about me coming.

I am aware that I should never have bought the flight ticket on impulse, but that cannot be undone now. Regardless of whether or not I hear from him again, or whether I fly or not, I have learned a valuable lesson never to do that again. I would be grateful for your guidance (and anyone else's) on what to do next.; December 29, 2013 at 2:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

I´ve just been to a fantastic concert of Andrea Bocelli and his guests - it was really great, he sounds much, much better than on CDs, I highly recommend it.

By the way, the stadium was sold out, so I could watch different kinds of people including men aged from about 30 to 100 years. Some looked quite interesting, really. My conclusion is that I should definitely go out more often - there are concerts out there, galleries, museums and other places visisted by both women and MEN. Meeting people is more natural in such environments. And it occurred to me that we who are on dating sites are heroic in a way. We must face a lot of discouraging challenges which aren´t in the real world. I have already forgotten about it but the truth is that meeting new people can be fun. The only disatvantage is that these men have no idea that I would like to meet the love of my life. :-(

Anyway, during the break I fulfilled my intended mission - to speak to a strange man. It all started in accordance with Mirror´s teaching - HE approached me. We chatted about the concert, about what I do, where I am from, etc. The conversation was pleasant and at the end of it he presented me with a candy. Then he excused himself and disappeared. And I am not very sorry about it because he must have been at least 80 LOL. But I am satisfied - I wanted to meet a new man at the concert and I did! Next time I might be luckier, who knows?

And one observation: Next to me there was a young couple 30 plus something, apparently in the dating phase. Oh, she was so nervous, she tried so hard to impress him and he seemed quite indifferent... I sympathised with her, a typical nice girl, and then I thought to myself how lucky I was that I could enjoy the concert happily on my own...Singlehood has its unquestionable advantages.

I wish Mirror and all the ladies a pleasant, carefree end of the year and a lot of - dating - luck in 2014.
Hopeful; December 29, 2013 at 7:34 PM
Anonymous said...: There is this Gemini man, almost 40, divorced for a few years, a busy business man. We first saw each other in the spring, just for a few minutes, later that day he asked through a common friend if I would like to go out with him for a coffee, I rejected him. He then found me on a professional network on the net and we got connected there. A few months later, I send him an email asking if he would still like to meet for a coffee and he agrees. We met for 2-3 times, I liked him, he is very charming. I am warned by my friend that he “likes to live his live” and that he is a bad guy/player. During this few dates I was not sure what to think, we just kissed on the cheeks but on the other hand he was sending me messages in the middle of the night of “good night” or “hello from X club”. On the next date, he finally kisses me. Than we don’t see each other for 3 weeks, as he said h was either in business trips or with different important meetings. we just texted. Mostly I started the texting and he responded later. A few times he started the texting or even called, in a flirty manner, but he leaves me confused as he didn’t propose to see each other or anything. Than after 3 weeks, following one of my messages, he calls me back in the evening and practically invites himself to my place. He comes and we just make out. A few days after that, I send him a text with a proposal to go out something-no response. I call him in about a week to ask him to go out for a cocktail – he is out of town but says we will go out when he returns. He texts me about 10 days later, in a Sunday evening, asking “How are u”. I now realize how we are standing ; December 30, 2013 at 5:42 AM
Anonymous said...: continued - We flirt about 2 hours with texting and he comes to my place again. We make out again but I am too tensed to go further, as he is moving too fast. He keeps asking what’s wrong and I say ‘nothing’. Then he asked straight “let’s make love” and I said that I can’t. He asks “why”, I told him something like “I don’t have the mood” and he asks back amused when I will have the mood. We keep making out for about 2 hours, he calls me stubborn a few times as I don’t do what he asks, he sees that I am tensed and told me to relax as he understands my “idea”. Even if we just make out, I would say he pretty much had a good time. Then, of course, no sign of him. At the end of the week I text him late in the evening from a club saying “Regards from X band” and he texts back in a few hours asking where are they playing and saying he is out of town. Then, in the weekend, also in the evening, I text again asking if he would like to see a movie or if that is “bad for his feng shui” – no answer. An hour later I text back saying “so delicate, this feng shui )))”. After another week, on a Friday, St Nick’s day, I text him telling that St Nick left him a surprise at me, soft and spicy  He sends me back a smiley and then, at about 2 in the night, texts me “what r u doing” and few minutes later calls me. I was at the office Christmas Party, with a lot of noise, so I barely heard him. He was surprised to hear music and asked where I was, I told him and he said he just returned from a club and wanted to see what I was doing. He told me to give him a sign when I finish with the party and I said ok. Half hour later I text him that if he wants he can come to the party too and he replies amused, “yeah right, in my pijamas ” and then another text telling me that if there not too much fun maybe I could go to his place. I text him 2 hours later that I’m going home as I am already tired. On Sunday evening I text him asking if he wants to have a “Sunday reloaded, same time same place” (referring to the last time he was at my place) but he doesn’t answer.; December 30, 2013 at 5:43 AM
Anonymous said...: continued - A few days later I text him with a flirty message suggesting him he would look nice at my place, being spoilt, and wish him good night and kisses. He answers back in less than an hour, amused and a little flirty, saying he is out of the country for his monthly meeting. A few days later I call him, he doesn’t answer. I call again the next evening, he answers and just says he will call me back in 5 minutes. In 30 minutes he texts me ,that he is in a discussion and that he call me when he finishes. He doesn’t. So the next day I text him saying that from the “Die Hard” series, he is “find Hard”  and that I was calling him just with a proposal, more or less indecent, to open the bottle of wine that he brought when he came to my place. No answer. Than he calls me last Monday morning (a few days after the message) to see how I am and asking about an update of me that he saw on the professional network on which we are connected.
The idea is: I realize he doesn’t wanted anything serious and after more thinking, I think I would be a good moment for me to have just a casual relationship, sort of friends with benefit. He was very straightforward with me and that was kind of unusual for me and intimidating. But now I am fine with the idea and I even fantasize about what we could do together. He is a jerk, I know. But I have needs. And he would be just perfect to fulfill my needs, for this moment. Is not something I usually do. But If he didn’t have no shame to be so straight and jerk with me, why would I stress myself with his opinion about me? I like him physically.
The question is: what should I do to make him come to my place again? For a casual thing. And please don’t judge.; December 30, 2013 at 5:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 29, 2:15 PM,
"What should I do? Should I contact him and ask him directly if he has changed his mind about me coming over? Or should I just leave him in silence? Should I give him a deadline to respond to me?"

Ugh, I hate to say this dear. . .but I'd cancel this flight ASAP. Confronting this man will do nothing but cause you to suffer more rejection and/or silence from him. Charging at him will only cause him to retreat, it's a natural human reaction. And based on his behavior currently, I would not risk that any further. Instead, think of yourself here and help yourself avoid a negative situation that will, most likely, end up with you reaching the Cayman Islands and vacationing by yourself, wondering where the hell this man is at :-(

I know that isn't what you want to hear and I'm sorry that you're facing this situation right now, but the reality is that it probably isn't going to get any better based on his actions. So accept that and then proceed accordingly. Your other option, which is one that I'd strongly consider if you're able to, is to find a friend to meet up with there on holiday. That way, you can still enjoy your holiday and possibly have this man circle back around in the meantime. That's not a guarantee, but it is a possibility if you remain silent and just proceed with or without him and with a friend instead.

Additionally, with a friend by your side, you will still be able to experience a great time and not be alone in a foreign land, ya' know? If you can do that and find a friend to join you, even if they fly in a day or two later, you will be making the best of a bad situation :-); December 30, 2013 at 10:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"It all started in accordance with Mirror´s teaching - HE approached me. We chatted about the concert, about what I do, where I am from, etc. The conversation was pleasant and at the end of it he presented me with a candy. Then he excused himself and disappeared. And I am not very sorry about it because he must have been at least 80 LOL."

See, it happens, even if he was 80, LOL ;-) But this was a good experience because now, you can feel free to loosen up in public spaces and learn to draw men to you there by making eye contact, smiling and signaling that you're approachable in some manner. That's really all it takes ladies. Send out that good positive energy and be enjoyable to be around and you will find that others are drawn to you.

And for you women who are meeting men in public and having conversations with them but wishing something more had come of it, consider this, it requires bravery and chutzpah but you can eventually get comfortable with it. . .consider presenting them with your number and an invitation to "keep in touch."

This is not being the aggressor if the conversation started naturally and was mostly initiated by the man. And realize, this is not YOU going after HIM - this is YOU signaling to HIM that you're open to an approach from him. A "green light" of sorts.

Realize, I'm not suggesting that you march up to a man, start a conversation and then throw your number at him. I'm suggesting that if you're out in a public space and a conversation starts organically, naturally with a man and he seems interested and you are, too - then before departing, take a deep breath and say something like, "I enjoyed our conversation. Here's my number, feel free to keep in touch if you like. And if I don't hear from you, I wish you all the best, it was a pleasure speaking to you."

And then leave the rest to fate ;-); December 30, 2013 at 11:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 30, 5:42 AM,
" I am warned by my friend that he “likes to live his live” and that he is a bad guy/player."

If that's the warning you've been given in advance upon meeting a man dear, if you decide to proceed, know that it will most likely only ever be "casual" dating and not a relationship. A man like that enjoys his space and independence and is most likely not seeking a relationship or possibly not even capable emotionally of having one.

"he calls me back in the evening and practically invites himself to my place"

Not good dear, not good at all. This is a booty call and a lame date that you should not accept as it will most likely only lead to you being placed in a tempting situation that puts you at risk of being used sexually.

" A few days after that, I send him a text with a proposal to go out"

"I call him in about a week to ask him to go out for a cocktail"

Not good dear. Men like to date women (feminine, submissive energy) not men (masculine, leading energy). When a woman acts aggressively and pursues the man, she is exhibiting masculine energy that will only cause the man to withdraw and/or step forward and take her up on her offer and use her sexually - then disappear. Don't be so "willing" to walk into that situation, ya' know? Don't make yourself available for that type of treatment from him. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if HE pursues HER. Consider this article, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

"he comes to my place again."

Ugh, this is moving quickly into "friends with benefits" territory dear - hookup territory, which is NOT real da"

"I was calling him just with a proposal, more or less indecent, to open the bottle of wine that he brought when he came to my place."

Honey, don't do that - please. You're leaving yourself wide open here to be used sexually and then left alone. This is clearly not a man seeking a relationship as the entire situation has been solely about sex and flirting and nothing serious and real. You're pursuing him heavily and initiating just about all of the communication and inviting him on dates, when it should be the other way around. You're going to make it very easy for this man to take you up on your offer, use you and then leave you. And I'm guessing that that's not what you want here. But I'm also guessing that you think you can somehow convince this man to enter into a relationship with you via the provision of sex. And I can tell you, a bad boy player is NOT going to view sex as a relationship. He's going to view it as one good night and that's it :-(

" I think I would be a good moment for me to have just a casual relationship, sort of friends with benefit."

I'm not so sure I agree with that dear. I believe that you may think you want this, but in reality, after having sex with this man, you would most likely develop an emotional attachment and would soon expect "more" of him - which he will not provide - and it will leave you hurt, empty and feeling used :-( So be very careful what you wish for here dear.

Cont. . .; December 30, 2013 at 11:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "why would I stress myself with his opinion about me?"

Because after having sex with this man regularly for two months, chances are, you WILL find that you ARE stressing over his opinion of you, when you develop emotions for this unavailable man :-(

"what should I do to make him come to my place again? For a casual thing. And please don’t judge."

I'm not judging dear. That's not what we do here. We support one another here as women, regardless of the situation the woman is seeking. If you truly only want a casual situation with this man and you truly believe that you WON'T develop an emotional attachment to him after entering into one for an extended period of time, then I'd suggest that you cease initiating communication with him because I imagine he's viewing the hot pursuit as you wanting a relationship of sorts with him, which is causing him to distance himself a bit. So if you cease communication and instead, wait for him to come to you, he will. If you give him the space and time to do that when he is ready, as a player, he will definitely take advantage of that and of your offer. It may be a week or two, but players are always opportunists so if you give him the time and space to do that, chances are, that's exactly what he'll do.

But again, just a word of caution dear, casual relationships generally do NOT do women well in the long run because the reality is that women develop emotions via times of togetherness and contact. So there's a very high likelihood that given enough encounters, you will develop emotions for this man and want more and he will be unavailable to you - so careful what you wish for here dear ;-); December 30, 2013 at 11:23 AM
chk61 said...: @ Gemini50:

Kudos for staying strong and not contacting him. I have still been feeling strong urges to contact him but thankfully I have not given into them. My D.M. is "online now" on the dating site we met on. Still out there trolling I guess.

Was talking to a friend about my urges and she pointed out that the need for touch is very strong in all of us. The theory is that the body craves the touch of another human and this desire/need/impulse can overcome or overpower the logic of the mind, which of course, tells us it is a bad idea to contact the D.M.

My D.M. was the last man I felt this human touch thing with. I have been alone for sooooo very long and it is not easy to go without touch. Yeah, hugs from friends and family are nice but they don't cut it. Sometimes I get massages which helps so I guess I need to schedule one of those very soon.

*Sigh*. All will be well.; December 30, 2013 at 1:40 PM
Anonymous said...: I have to agree with MOA. I am currently in a FWB "relationship" and I have to say that, although it did help keep me occupied while I attempted to get over DM, it leaves a lot to be desired and leaves me feeling emotionally empty. This coming year, although my friend is very kind and sweet, I'd like to end our FWB situation and open myself to meeting a man closer to my age for a meaningful relationship. Not looking to cohabitate or get married - just something with more emotional depth. Wishing MOA and everyone on this site insight and happiness in 2014!

Astrid; December 30, 2013 at 6:35 PM
JD said...: MOA,

I received a text from him at 1am in the morn. Of course I was SLEEPING. He texts:

"Sorry for sending a late text. Just making it home. Had some end of the year stuff to take care of at work. How long are you here?"

Never used to try to apologize for sending late texts before (it was 2 hr time difference when I was in west coast) and I see he is telling me what is up with his job....but did I ask about that? No. lol I didn't send him anything after he he sent the last text I previously posted about.

Was he thinking I was prob still up and wanted to see if I'd respond? I HATE communicating through text sometimes. CALL ME. Is there some insecurity on his part or is he just trying to feel me out? Still, no apology and I'm just looking at the text lol; December 30, 2013 at 7:26 PM
Heidi said...: @ CHK61:
I think most of us can relate to that fantasy. I certainly had similar fantasies to yours a few months ago. : "hey, so great to hear from you! I have been thinking of you and would love to get together with you. I feel badly about the way things went down with us...." etc...

In the fantasy I had several months ago, he'd follow up with copious amounts of non-stop EFFORT and a super romantic gesture similar to the Birthday Cake scene at the end of Sixteen Candles. ( BTW, I am still hoping for that to happen on any given birthday and I am 41) :) . Anyway, that didn't (and won't) happen with the Aries that brought me here to this site, but I wonder how I'd truly feel if he made such an effort? He is certainly capable.

Question: Would you be able to return to a relationship with your DM if he returned? Would you be able to forget these past months and move forward with him? ( I asked myself those same questions)

I think the short, dark, cold days are getting to us all. Everyone I know is experiencing some form of marital disenchantment/ relationship nostalgia/ missing somebody/ asking "what if". Oddly enough, my two dearest male friends are the WORST at this right now. It isn't just us ladies experiencing a bit of December funk.

Today, one of the men, a friend of 20+ years, forwarded to me an email that an ex-girlfriend sent him over the weekend with the subject header " de-coding assistance ? ". He broke up with this one last spring after dating around 9 months.

Anyway, spring girlfriend's email to my pal was short, chatty and light. She wished him a Happy New Year and suggested they grab a bite after the holidays and catch up.

Now, this is a 42 year old plastic surgeon, divorced for almost 4 years and here he is sharing ( and analyzing) an email from an ex the night before New Years Eve with me. He never disappeared on her & when we all pointed out her many great qualities he said he just didn't want to marry her & didn't want to let her think they were headed to the alter, so he broke up with her.

This friend has given me the identical advice that Mirror has and reminded me more than once that if I initiate even one " tiny, friendly" text to Aries, he's going to think I "want him" and "he will bolt". Having reliable male friends has saved me more times than I can count over the years. Long story short, We ALL go through exactly what you are experiencing right now/ when you think about initiating contact with your DM. Just hang on, your confidence will return and the desire to contact that man will fade, just the way mine did. :)

As for tomorrow night:
I'm going to spend NYE making pizzas and brownies with my little boys and researching child friendly, Caribbean resorts. I am planning a long weekend in the sun for early February, just the 3 of us.

Cheers to the New Year !!!; December 30, 2013 at 9:03 PM
Countrygirl said...: Happy New Year to you Mirror and all the lovely ladies out there. Thank you once again for all your wonderful words of wisdom.; December 31, 2013 at 9:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"Was he thinking I was prob still up and wanted to see if I'd respond? Is there some insecurity on his part or is he just trying to feel me out?"

The "why's" don't matter dear and answering those questions will not solve the issue, it will only create more questions.

I think you're missing the point here, something very important to note about what just happened. Instead of focusing on the "why's" surrounding the situation. . .focus on the fact that - your silence and lack of response to his last communication has drawn him towards you.

Did you notice that? Did you notice that once you went silent, distanced yourself and retreated and left him dangling without a response, he circled back to you? Did you notice that not only did he circle back to you, he also "got" what your silence meant and this time, he apologized for the late night text because he knows it's wrong.

The "why's" don't matter dear and only create more questions. What matters here is that this is proof positive for you that SILENCE WORKS. Not only did it draw him towards you, it has adjusted his approach and made him treat you with a bit more RESPECT by apologizing for the late night text.

Remain silent and see if he kicks it up a notch after he "gets" what it means ;-)

He may not have apologized for what he really needs to apologize for, however, there is proof that silence works and that men can and do often adjust their behavior towards you and treatment of you after being on the receiving end of it ;-); December 31, 2013 at 9:52 AM
chk61 said...: @ Heidi:

Thanks so much for your thoughts and for sharing your story about your 42 y.o. plastic surgeon friend. It made me imagine how my D.M. might react if he received an email from me right before the New Year. One possible reaction: eyebrows raised in surprise, shaking his head with a self-satisfied smirk, and then possibly rolling his eyes, thinking: "F**k, she's back." The he waits a day or two to send me a polite response, and doesn't suggest getting together.

Another possible reaction: Eyebrows raised in surprise and then high-fiving himself" "Ha, she's back - I won! She wants me - I'm the MAN!" He writes back and suggests we have a holiday drink, but his intention is only to get, er, horizontal. He figures if I've contacted him after two months of silence, I must be after one thing because it's clear he's not interested in anything else.

End result in both scenarios: he disappears again, I am back to square one and I feel like a loser for contacting him.

Phew. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And thank you to Mirror for re-emphasizing that SILENCE WORKS. In my case, it may not work to draw him back (because frankly, I"m not sure that is a good idea) but silence works to help me keep my sanity and dignity.

No way am I sending him a New Year greeting. I will confess I just went back to re-read the greeting he sent me last New Years Eve. We had had three dates and I was pretty excited about him last December 31st yet on date four in early January, he started to show his true colors and ambivalence. He literally started out the date with a "neg". The he referred to himself as "arm candy", he made sure he pointed out where he and his last girlfriend sat at the bar/restaurant we went to AND he got very jealous when we ran into a platonic male friend of mine. What a man-child! There has to be some one else out there, this is not the last man on earth!

Fresh start in 2014. Happy New Year, best wishes and peace of mind to all!; December 31, 2013 at 11:16 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ the Ladies,

I just found the funniest online dating blog. 1yearofonlinedatingat50.com I'm only into February 2012 and Melani has me laughing out loud -- really out loud (at work -- thank goodness I sent everyone home early.)

Enjoy and hugs to all! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo; December 31, 2013 at 2:28 PM
JD said...: Ok never thought of it like that! That was the longest text I got from him other than the one I previously posted about. And maybe because my replies have been very short and using non-emotional words?

Well I'm glad that he is getting SOMETHING in that knuckle head of his LOL Do you think I will hear from him again or just leave on Jan. 13 without talking or seeing him? And if I do see him, I am not going to get intimate with him cause I'm not going through that agony again.

Ok so he did get drawn towards me...so no contacting him bc if he does WANT to see me then he knows how to reach me. I just have to go about my business and enjoy time with friends & family.

I did feel the context of that text was progress :-); December 31, 2013 at 5:54 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ All (1 of ?)

Well ladies, it’s New Years Eve… And I’m still a mess.

Today I figured out, thru my sleuthing at work that Virgo is retiring. I think today may have been his last day. He had his I-M thing off since we stopped talking, but for some reason, today, something just told me to look into it further. I checked another computer program to see if he’s been on, he has, but beginning with yesterday’s date, someone else’s name is where his name should be. Then I checked something else, and this new person had all of Virgo’s computer accesses for his dept, etc. It has hit me deep. We were friends for 8 years, helped each other with work things, etc. Haven’t talked in 7 months, but we’d see each other’s login’s at work via our computers… and now he’ll be gone. I was feeling sad about it today, but tried not to think about it and found that online blog website I wrote about earlier to distract me.

I was supposed to go to gf’s house tonight, but decided to stay home – I needed to. My plan was to drink and read that blog and try not to contact Scorpio. I failed.

After I gave the one year dating blog info here, I was surprised to receive a text from Court Officer at 2:35pm wishing me a Happy New Year (3 months maybe since I’ve heard from him). I waited until I got home and sent him a response at 4:31pm> Thank you (his name). I hope 2014 is great!

Then I decide to send Scorpio a text – I’m secretly hoping that he’ll come over and we’ll have a good night and I’ll receive some comfort, even though I know it will be one night.

Instead, what I got knocked the shit out of me.

Here goes, and please no pity (please). No advice (please). No, “I told you so” (please). I could very well keep this to myself and not let anyone know, but I think it’s more valuable to share it with everyone here as information, and then I’ll add comment.

(continued); December 31, 2013 at 7:55 PM
Gemini50 said...: 2 of 3

Me to Scorpio 4:33pm> Happy 2014.

Scorpio 6:13pm> U 2 Im in Killington with gfrnd her boss owns the top of it lol hes a dentist

I read this and am shocked. This man had told me recently that he “wasn’t a keeper,” and now he has a girlfriend. Just 3 weeks ago he texted me he was thinking of me, actually said he had been dreaming of me, wished me a happy Thanksgiving (2 wks late) and texted me on Christmas, 5 days ago. And I just haven’t been able to get this man out of my system ALL year!

I cry. I finally cry loudly. I pace my house… I hold myself and cry loudly.

I think of ignoring him, going silent, but F*** NO! It is the end of 2013 and I am going to be done with this once and for all.

So, I text back 6:22pm> Ok. Good bye. Please don’t ever contact me again. Please.

Then I go to get my computer to log on to cell site to block his number and before I can Scorpio responds 6:23pm> K good bye I will delete then.

So there I have it. It’s just like everything we’ve been told here… Everything.

I could tell you how I feel, but I don’t think it’s necessary. And, again, no pity. No comments needed or wanted (sorry, I’m being truthful). I just want to share what happened to maybe help others who may have been following my story with Scorpio to see what I didn’t believe. It was all in my head, I made excuses for his behavior, and I let my emotions cloud my brains. And while I was holding out and waiting and hoping, he's off at a ski resort with his girlfriend.

But when I am done writing here, I am going to block his number, delete his pic and put him in the past where he belongs.

The same with Virgo.

And while I’m writing this, Court Officer text me again 6:38pm >I do miss your face. Just sayin’

(Please someone, WTF does THAT mean: I miss your face (???))

And instead of being f***ing nice which I always am to others, I text back 6:42pm> (his name) I m not in a good place right now… I m sorry. I just want this year to be f***ing over. Sorry. Truth.

Court Officer> Ok, sorry to hear that. If you ever need anything….

I don’t respond.

(continued); December 31, 2013 at 7:59 PM
Gemini50 said...: 3 of 3

And then I get a text from a guy friend (gf’s ex and they have stayed friends) who I think of as a brother who wants me to go to gf’s New Year’s party. And instead of lying to him I tell him the truth too> Please don’t say anything to gf, but I just need to stay home and cry my f***ing eyes out and get rid of this f***ing year.

He tries to convince me to go to the party with a “fellow 2013 hater, we’ll escape early and go get shit-faced together.”

I decline; I know I need to stay home.

What a f***ing year! And, Oh, how I have let both Virgo and Scorpio f*** me up. I have to wonder sometimes what is wrong with me… and then I know. I haven’t put myself first, I haven’t weeded out the axxholes, I gave too much of my heart and soul too fast, and I believed in the good in these men and held on to their possibilities instead of seeing their realities.

Ms. Mirror, you’ve told me a couple times to get angry, and I refused. I didn’t want to go there… Well, guess what? Now I am f***ing pissed and all these f***ers can can go f*** themselves.

(Yeah, as I typed this, I typed the F word. Now I have to go back and put in some ***’s in place of uck’s or this comment will be just full of F’s.)

Oh, and what happened with Logger? I sent him that email Friday night; he hadn’t been on Match for about a month. I went on last night, he had been on “within 3 days.” I don’t know how it works if you get an email and not a subscriber, and I don’t know if he did get the message. I am glad I sent it. Even if I never hear from him, I’m glad I did it to put it out there and let it go.

I am moving on in 2014. It sucks being alone, but I am finally free (to cry, to hurt, to be angry and to let it all go and be happy again.); December 31, 2013 at 8:02 PM
Gemini50 said...: Hey All, one more for tonight:

I went online to block Scorpio from my cell, and decided to add numbers to the list: an old girlfriend who was very toxic in my life for 27 yrs (just in case she gets the urge to contact me -- I got a feeling); Plumber (F*** him, I don't want to hear from him); and DC (F*** him too.) DC had blocked me from his FB page awhile ago, when I asked him about not being able to post he ignored me, so F*** him.

And guess what JUST happened? GF just called me and said DC called her 20+ minutes ago and asked her to call me to see if he could stay at my house because he has to come up to see his mother; she's not doing well.

Oh boy, how about THAT for timing? He must have tried to call me and can't get through.

She said she told him that she's not getting in the middle.

I told her if he calls again to tell him that she couldn't get me.

Ugh! And as I type this, DC just text me from another f***ing number> Hi. If I have made you angry, or feeling less than a very special part of my life, i apologize profusely. You have been one of the rocks I have clung to when adrift for more years I can count. Thank you. I wish you the best in the coming year. You are a light in the darkness for me and so many others, and you are loved for it. You are special. I cannot thank you enough for being a true friend. I don't have many.

WTF do you say to THAT? The only reason I am hearing from him is because he has to come up to see his mother and my place is the nicest place for him to stay -- away from his family (drama), not in a hotel ($), etc.

I am so sick of all of this crap. Men who just think they can waltz in and out of my life with no concern for my feelings. I've literally felt sick all night, weak, like I've had the flu... I am emotionally drained...

I'm afraid to ask the Universe, but I have to: Who's next? Let's get all these axxholes out!!!; December 31, 2013 at 10:28 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Happy new year! Im new here and I love reading your blog,would you be able to give me some advice on my situation please?
I have been sort of known this guy for 2 years but it's long distance.
Everything was fine at the beginning we went out a few times, I spent the weekend at his state and then he came to mine back and forth a few times but then he went cold and distant,but I just thought blokes tend to do that at the beginning so I didn't want to come across to needy so I never questioned it.
But I haven't seen him in quite a while but he keeps in touch via text I suppose we text each other every other day and this has been going on over 2 years but I would like to know what's going on? Do you think I should ask?
To be honest I probably know what your gonna say because nothing is actually going on but he said a couple of weeks we should arrange something to meet up again but I've recently have been noticing on Facebook that he might have met someone else but I don't know if this is true.
I don't know what to do? Do u think I should question him about the other girl?
Or am I hoping for something that's never gonna happen?
I'm just so upset over this whole situation I'm just so down about it and I'm crying every night and just don't know what to do.
I just feel like if I don't get in touch with him he has forgotten about me.
The last time he texted me was the other day, I don't know what to do any more.
Please help. X; January 1, 2014 at 11:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"I do miss your face. Just sayin’"

"(Please someone, WTF does THAT mean: I miss your face (???))"

I've actually seen that same exact line used by a man to win an ex back into his good graces. It's a signal that he thinks of you and misses you. It's literally what he's stated - he misses seeing you.

"Ms. Mirror, you’ve told me a couple times to get angry, and I refused. I didn’t want to go there… Well, guess what? Now I am f***ing pissed and all these f***ers can can go f*** themselves."

It's okay dear. You're entitled and you're human.

"DC had blocked me from his FB page awhile ago, when I asked him about not being able to post he ignored me, so F*** him. . . DC called her 20+ minutes ago and asked her to call me to see if he could stay at my house because he has to come up to see his mother; she's not doing well."

Wow, that takes some nerve. Ignore a woman, block her - then EXPECT her to grant you a favor - HA, yea right. These guys are something else (something non-human without emotions or conscience it appears).

And I have to laugh at this because once again, it's the beauty of NO CONTACT and NO RESPONSE:

"Hi. If I have made you angry, or feeling less than a very special part of my life, i apologize profusely. You have been one of the rocks I have clung to when adrift for more years I can count. Thank you. I wish you the best in the coming year. You are a light in the darkness for me and so many others, and you are loved for it. You are special. I cannot thank you enough for being a true friend. I don't have many."

And it yielded an apology and the eating of some damn humble pie on his behalf. Choke it down my friend, choke it down - ask for water and receive none. Taste good, DC? And he probably wonders why he has so very few friends. . HA.

Hang in there dear, it's going to be a bit of a rough ride, but the universe is hammering you flat so that you can be rebuilt again and cleaning house for you, closing the doors of the past so that it can FORCE open the doors to the future.

It's always darkest before the dawn dear.; January 1, 2014 at 11:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
I know you asked for no advice, pity or I told you so's. . .but you didn't mention anything about another perspective LOL, so let me just make a statement here about how men like this operate so that you don't continue to beat yourself up, because I think you're too close to the situation to see this for what it is and to clearly see what he's done here.

Men like Scorpio dear, play emotional games, hence the term "player." You know that, but I don't think you're seeing the game itself here and I want to help you see that - you have absolutely nothing to grieve here dear and nothing to beat yourself up over.

This isn't his girlfriend in the sense that you think - this is simply a GIRL who is a "FRIEND" w/benefits. And chances are, she paid for the damn trip too. Most likely, Scorpio needed a "friend" for the holidays. He circled around through his rotation, hitting you up during that process a few weeks ago, and this one bit and took the bait. She probably jumped at the opportunity and then suggested he join her on this trip that she probably already had planned and probably already paid for, so he probably went along with it like an opportunistic freeloader.

When the shine of the holidays wears off dear and they return home and this woman starts to expect more from him - chances are he'll either string her along (for sex) and/or disappear on her. This is NOT the type of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship you're thinking it may be.

Additionally, trust me on this, the way he JUMPED at the opportunity to inform you where he was at and who he was with instead of simply responding accordingly with a "same to you" or "Happy New Year!" - signals that he was trying too hard. . .to use this woman and this situation to purposefully hurt you (for rejecting his previous "friends" offers to you).

He very carefully and very purposefully used the word "girlfriend" there dear to give you the impression that that's what she was in the true sense because he knew it'd hurt you. He doesn't want a damn girlfriend and he's not capable of a relationship unless it's solely on his terms of "when it's convenient for me."

So here's the reality here dear:

1) This woman is being used and mislead by him right now.
2) He'll either disappear on her or string her along if she's desperate enough to let him do so
3) She will be miserable in either circumstance

You have absolutely NOTHING to feel bad about dear. Be THANKFUL you're not in this woman's shoes right now and that that isn't you. Do not weep for this man - thank your lucky stars that the universe granted you an end to this Scorpio's sting.

If I over-stepped boundaries here of adding my two cents when it wasn't wanted, I apologize in advance for that. But I wanted to lend my support and I wanted to share a perspective here that you may not have considered so that you'd see that - YOU came out on TOP here dear, NOT the other way around.; January 1, 2014 at 12:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 1, 11:10 AM,
"I haven't seen him in quite a while but he keeps in touch via text I suppose we text each other every other day and this has been going on over 2 years but I would like to know what's going on? Do you think I should ask?"

You don't need to ask him dear - it's not his WORDS that will tell the tale, it's his ACTIONS. And his actions are signaling that this is something casual and that it's not going to progress beyond that :-( I'm sorry, I know that probably wasn't what you wanted to hear.

"I don't know what to do? Do u think I should question him about the other girl?"

You don't need to DO anything dear. If he wants you, he knows exactly where to find you. And do NOT question him about this other woman unless you want a confrontation that leads to him distancing himself even more.

"Or am I hoping for something that's never gonna happen?"

If a situation doesn't progress steadily into "more" after say, six months to a year, then there's a good chance dear that it isn't going to :-( What you DO need to do is - NOTHING. No contact and no response upon his next communications.

By doing NOTHING, you are actually doing SOMETHING. Get what I'm saying?

Let your SILENCE weigh on his mind and let him think he's lost you for good. Do not contact him and do not respond to him. See if this distance causes him to miss you and realize he may actually have feelings for you. Men experience feelings during times of ABSENCE dear, not togetherness like women do. So if you want to know if a man has feelings for you, you don't ask him point blank. Instead, you pull back and you create a bit of tension with that distance and then you wait to see if he springs towards you. If he does not, then you have your answer :-(

Asking his via words will only lend him an opportunity to throw excuses out there and string you along. So don't bother granting him that.

"I just feel like if I don't get in touch with him he has forgotten about me."

Why do you feel like that dear? Do you feel so insignificant to this man that you feel that if you don't constantly stay on his radar, he'll forget you because you're that unimportant? If you feel that way dear - consider this. . .it's because that's how this man MAKES YOU FEEL. He makes you feel insignificant, his treatment of you makes you feel insignificant and his behavior towards you makes you feel insignificant.

Why wish for a man that makes you feel so terribly insignificant in your life? Why wish for more of that, ya' know? Why do you want to be around a man that makes you feel so bad about yourself? You deserve more than that dear, you deserve better than that - so don't wish for that in your life.

Start by reading this piece dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And then follow it up by reading this piece for a better understanding:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Someone can only treat you as bad as you let them - so don't let this happen to you anymore and take control of your happiness dear :-); January 1, 2014 at 12:20 PM
Gemini50 said...: (1 of 2)
Thank you Ms. Mirror,

You are not overstepping at all, I always appreciate your magic. My intent for the request of no pity, etc was because I know that I got myself “into” this, and I know I need to get myself out. I shared what happened and how I felt so that others can see what happens when we don’t take care of ourselves first. And getting “into it” was not the text last night… getting “into it” was falling into the fwb thing when we got back together in 2012 and my inability to see this man’s actions for what they were.

My distraught over Scorpio’s New Year’s actions was part disappointment, part need (I really wanted to be with him) and a lot of anger towards myself that it has taken me this long to finally see the truth. I was hurt because it reminded me he had promised to take me to VT, but never did; yet he was there with someone else. It reminded me that he was adamant about not being a keeper; yet a girlfriend to me means a keeper status for him. And it hurt because, again, it goes back to when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, what he’s saying is “he doesn’t want a relationship with YOU.” But I refused to acknowledge it.

I feel like such an ass, a fool, and I’ve been played. Yet, I have two consolations: 1) I didn’t let him back into my bed after he returned in March. I stood my ground – refused to get into another fwb thing with him, but left the opportunity open for a real relationship; and he has no idea what I was going thru emotionally. And 2) I know my emotional “lock-jaw” was due to my love for him and trust of him, and I only had the best of intentions.

I did love the part of Scorpio I knew (which was little), and I trusted him. Last night I felt it was cruel that he would be “playing” with me over the past few weeks, and I just can’t grasp people doing that to each other. I know it is something in my spirit that makes me see the good in others and also naïve to the bad in them. And it’s not a choice, it just is. It’s almost like if you build a house out of stick, you have a stick house. If you build it out of clay, you have a clay house. Well, my soul is built out of hope and light, so when the negative elements come my way, if the storm is strong, I take a hit similar to a storm damaging our homes – and sometimes, like last night, it’s devastating.

Cont..; January 1, 2014 at 2:55 PM
Gemini50 said...: 2 of 2

In regards to the additional numbers I blocked while on the cell website, I thought it was the gf I was friends w/for 27-yrs (been done with that for 2 yrs) that would try to contact me, I didn’t consider it would be DC (yet I added him, interesting). The timing was perfect, I must have blocked his number just minutes before he tried to contact me originally. And I don’t feel bad. Everything he said in the text had to do with him, EVERYTHING: I am HIS rock, a wonderful friend of which HE doesn’t have many, a light to OTHERS, etc. Not once did he ask how I was. I am just tired of it.

Virgo retiring without saying a word to me is selfish and childish… more of the same from him.

And I feel good about blocking Plumber. You thought he’d come back around Ms. Mirror, well, I don’t want to hear from him.

Thank you for your take on Scorpio’s actions. I was kind of thinking along the same “freeloader” lines this morning; not so on-point as you, but I thought about the woman obviously arranging this, and then this thought just kept coming back to me: They’ve got to check out by 11 and they’ve got to come back and he’ll be the same guy he was with you and she’ll have to deal with his disappearing acts… and she’ll become one of the “crazies” he told you he was always dealing with before he met you.

It just hurts, and I’m simply being honest about that. But I know I will recover. I did what I needed to do last night and today, I’ve stayed home, kept myself safe, cried when it comes, breathed thru it, and I keep switching back and forth reading between here and that 1 yr dating blog. The dating blog is good stuff to help desensitize ourselves in the online dating world.

I tweeked my profile on Match, and since I’ve written that I won’t respond to winks/likes, and added, “I understand it is what Match suggests we do, but I believe when a man wants something within reach, he knows full well how to get it. And how are those winks working for you in real life? ;-)” I am getting less winks and more emails, albeit short one-liners, but positive. I also added that I am not interested in a “hit and run.” That’s cut down on the lame winks/likes as well.

And before I forget, I think I realized today what the bell was last week after the dream of dancing in the coffee shop with Logger. It was a notice to recognize how I felt (safe, warm, protected), and for that feeling to be what I seek and experience before settling with another. It’s like my guide(s) were saying, “That’s it! That’s exactly it. That’s exactly your measurement. Right there. Bingo!”

I don’t know if the guides put the dream in my brain first, or just responded to it, but I get the message.

Thank you Ms. Mirror for your insight, and to everyone here who contributes their life experiences.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. xoxoxo; January 1, 2014 at 3:02 PM
KK said...: @Gem,
I know you didn't ask for comments or advice, but I wanted to let you know that I recently experienced the same thing as you in regards to Scorpio (I'll share my story in a minute). I've also given the boot to numerous people at one time who didn't deserve to be in my life - no regrets! Maybe all of what happened is for the best, and you can begin and enjoy the New Year with a clean slate, a newfound 'you', and all of the new skills and knowledge you've acquired. Remember, YOU are amazing! :)

As for myself, I am still "casually" dating Libra, although I have not seen him in about 4 weeks. We are both busy with life and we are not joined at the hip - as I mentioned before, his 'baby mama' is due any time now and I'm beginning to care less I find. He wished me Happy Holidays and Happy New Year and we've had some communication. I have wanted to spend time with him and hinted about schedules and let him know when I was available - but he either wasn't interested or didn't have time either. So I have backed off and am treating him like a friend now basically, small talk, etc.
I am still online dating, haven't given that up! It's been fun, all the men I've spoken with so far really like my profile and in turn message me to tell me and then strike up a conversation. I'm filtering and not even giving the lazy guys a chance. I communicated with one for a few weeks only for him to disappear (not talk anymore - it's been a month), but still remain online. Another one started up right before the holidays and now we are keeping in touch by text (all initiating done by him) He is scoring A+'s so far. He did ask to meet but added: "Whenever you feel comfy enough, be it a week, 2, a month, whatever", "when you have time, it would be nice to..." - All about me! Shows consideration, respect, etc. He wanted to set something up for next week - way in advance. Only thing left to do really is confirm my schedule at work and let him know which day, cuz he offered two days. Plus a conversation on the phone sometime might be nice. I'm going into it with an open mind, acting as if this is 'socializing' and making a new friend. He also reiterated that to me and said "It's better to take things slow and have caution and be friends first, everything else doesn't really work".

Backtrack to the end of November and I made a move just like Gem did. Contact with Pisces was scarce, he would come and go as he pleased, I wasn't DOING much anymore. I had Libra around, and the dating site to keep distracted and busy and help me to move on. I received an invite to a Christmas party and was really excited about it and wanted to go, I mentioned it to Libra and invited him first, he was interested but couldn't get the time off work. I debated about asking Pisces for a few days and then one night just said "F it!". I texted him the info and gave him plenty of notice. It was also like a last chance kinda thing, and a test. And I told myself, this is it.. if he declines and makes excuses, or whatever - I AM DONE! No more from me after this. I thought I was being thoughtful and kind by thinking of him and including him in something, showing interest. My intentions were to only invite him as a friend, low pressure environment - we'd be in a room full of people we don't know, it's a social event, nothing wrong with that to me. It would've made me happy - and men want to make us happy? Win-win situation. I felt brave and had no fear when I relayed the info to him.; January 2, 2014 at 2:06 AM
KK said...: (Continued)
He seemed receptive and asked a lot of questions, which made it seem like he wanted to go. He even used the word 'we' a few times. He noted his availability and said that night sounded good, he had no plans. Then later in the conversation, he made a few remarks which just made me shake my head.
Pisces: But if another girl tries to pick me up, you'll be all mad lol. (WTF?) I get it, he was trying to get a reaction and 'play' around. But on the other hand, isn't that kinda rude? I invite him out somewhere and he's thinking about maybe 'hooking up' with someone else? I just laughed with him and called him cocky, and added: "Girls don't pick up, that's your job".
Pisces: Well in my world... lol. - Then he quickly follows with, "gtg, i'll text ya later". Mhm, you do that buddy.
There was enough time for him to actually confirm, but I wasn't waiting around, I invited others too, and he knew that. I didn't text again all anxiously or anything. I let him come to me. And I reminded myself that these were just words, he could be yanking my chain. When he did text again (6 days later), I got a completely different story.
Pisces: Hey, just letting you know I can't go with you to that thing, I'm just starting to see someone and I don't think it would be right. Sorry ok, hope no hard feelings.

I can't even go in detail about what's right and what's wrong here, what he did before when he was with me and seeing me, and that was ok to him! I knew it would open up old wounds and open that can of worms. I'd had enough now and he was gonna hear it. I got angry and that was it.
Me: So am I bud, lol, still no big deal - ur not allowed to have friends!? Thanks for letting me know anyway.
I fumed for a bit then sent two more messages to him later, saying "Oh and by the way, if your answer was no to begin with, why didn't you just say so when I first asked? I didn't realize you were signing on the dotted line tomorrow! I think that's bs. You said you wanted to be friends and I've tried that - turns out you actually don't, so don't get mad when you don't hear from me ok? You're just as f***** as the girls you bitch about. Ciao."
No reply from him, and no contact for more than 30 days now. If he ever does have the nerve to contact me, he's going to have a hell of a time reaching me. I noted his behaviour leading up to and following this - I was definitely in rotation. He was flirting on FB with someone he's been flirting with for a long time - with no reciprocation. He even went back right before the holidays and on Christmas day actually and tried her again. So thank goodness that wasn't me. She can be 'Plan B' or 'old faithful' now. And then after telling me about seeing someone at the end of Nov, 2 wks later, I find her on FB too - it really wasn't that hard, and I observe mushy, sappy, needy and 'I love you's', after 2 weeks. She had just split from her boyfriend and was probably using Pisces. Next thing you know, 2 weeks after her I love you's (which he never returned) and a comment about him being her soulmate, they are kaput. The player got played, she's back with her boyfriend. It is all sexual and physical with the other woman he runs to every so often, but I'm a woman and I can tell she doesn't want him either. He's actually looking desperate and coming off a little annoying.; January 2, 2014 at 2:46 AM
KK said...: If he ever dares to look at mine, it's full of upbeat positive things, I'm crazy busy lately and everyone knows it (but I'm also enjoying it) I have a happy life now it seems, and it could appear I'm doing well. Best revenge ever.
So I hope that eats him! I also had secretly wished he spent his holidays and new year alone, because this time last year, he was with me and we were taking part in all of those things that he can't do with anyone else now.
They hide it pretty well and it doesn't seem to affect them, but I really wonder if men do regret and remember the role you played in their life at some point - hence going through all these women after throwing the good one to the side and then not finding any success.

I wish everyone a lighter and happier new year! XO; January 2, 2014 at 2:53 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Wanted to ask a quick question.
Do guys know when they are treating you poorly?I know my guy just seems to be stringing me along and I'm struggling with my situation at the moment.
Do I ever call them out on it?; January 2, 2014 at 6:48 AM
Rickie said...: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it "amusing" that we are supposed to take a man at his word when he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with us, or doesn't want anything serious, because he is most likely being 100% truthful....and yet when he says he DOES want those things with us, we shouldn't/can't take them at face value because odds are USUALLY that it isn't the case. :-/

I'm at work, and that popped into my head. lol I also had a great metaphor that I thought of the other night that summed up my situation, and that is "I'm so far back on the back burner, that I'm on a different stove."
Yes, my brain is friend. lol My kids have been on school break for almost 2 weeks now, and I'm crazed.

So far 2014 hasn't started off the best, but there are still 363 days left, right? lol; January 2, 2014 at 1:06 PM
Heidi said...: @ Mirror:

Loved reading ( and re-reading) your latest response to Gemini 50.

"the universe is hammering you flat so that you can be rebuilt again and cleaning house for you, closing the doors of the past so that it can FORCE open the doors to the future"

"thank your lucky stars that the universe granted you an end to this Scorpio's sting"

While not meant directly for me, I needed to hear that.

You have a fantastic way with words!; January 2, 2014 at 4:38 PM
Sleepless In NY said...: MOA-

I 've been utilizing NC with a guy since December 16 (not very long). I have asked you several questions about his behavior over the last year. Anyways I have moved on but continued to indulge his texts over the last few months...and he kept texting. Instead of going silent completely, I responded to his last text with what we can label as an angry text. I will not bore you with the details but the things he said just reinforced to me his lackadaiscal attitude about me, etc. so I finally told him leave me alone and pretty much said he sucked (not in those words but effectively). Silence was probably the better option but oh well. After my text (which was on a friday), he went silent. Of course! He then responded on Monday "Is that a compliment?" I haven't responded to that and have not talked to him since then.

He usually sends a text most holidays (xmas, thanksgiving, etc). He did in november on thanksgiving day which was was also my birthday but he didn't wish me a happy bday. He forgot and/or didn't care! I responded to the thanksgiving text "are you forgetting something?" and he responded "Happy Birthday!!!!" I didn't say anything back. I should have started NC then!

The next series of text in Decembereventually led to my current NC. Anyways so no xmas text from him after I went NC. I wasn't bothered and I really want to move on and meet a worthwhile guy. I've had enough of his mediocre treatment. The thing is I left a jacket at his place the last time we saw each other. I would let it be but it is quite expensive so I want it back. At the beginning of december, I asked him if I could get it (I was pasisng through his neighborhood) and he claimed he was not home. He asked the next time I would be around and I told him I wasn't sure and asked him to text me whenever.

Fast forward to today. He just sent me a text wishing me happy new year. *Yawn*. Do you think I should respond and ask for my jacket or let him bring it up eventually? He knows he has my jacket and needs to return it. I don't know if he is waiting for me to ask for it again. That's the last thing connecting us and I really want to get this chapter closed. What do you think? I have no interest in wishing him a Happy New Year. I don't care if he has a happy one lol.; January 2, 2014 at 7:05 PM
Mltn said...: Oh, Gem50.

Well, let me share something of my own. I had a breast cancer scare in October. Lump biopsied. It was benign, but when the biopsied area healed up, I just so badly wanted a man to touch me. I had feared losing my breasts, losing my sense of my sexuality, it scared the crap out of me.

You know what I did - I texted my co-worker that I wanted his hands on me. He obliged, sorta. Not sex, but making out, over the course of several weeks. He was sweet, sometimes, and sometimes just - AWOL. Hot and cold. Here and gone. Very noticeably.

But I was stupid, and I made him something special for Christmas. I dusted off my computer programming skills, learned more, and spent, seriously, 50+ hours creating a kind of interactive, "choose your own adventure" type branching webpage/javascript creation. It was this amazing, romantic thing about us, about what he meant to me, humor and tears and passion. It was a slick technological achievement, but also so deeply intimate. I mean, take that scene from "Love, Actually" with the cards and magnify it 100x. The conclusion of it was telling him I loved him.

So, what happened? I gave it to him, on a flash drive. I get a text basically making fun of it and "what is this, it's not working." I go by his office and say maybe he needs to try a different browser. He says "too late." He formatted over it without even seeing 90% of it. He DESTROYED this handmade gift, this heartfelt thing I'd spent a month creating for him.

I literally vomited. And this BROKE THE SPELL for me. Finally, I didn't just get it intellectually. I got it viscerally. I never meant anything to this guy. He literally took the outpouring of my heart and threw it in the trash. And I'm so glad that he didn't see it all.

I always want to save myself wasted time and pain. But I'll take the pain if it saves me the time. I'd rather run into the concrete wall, have the illusion destroyed, than waste any more time in a fantasy.

Good luck, Gem.; January 3, 2014 at 12:17 AM
JD said...: Hi all, been here almost 1 week and the last contact was the DM asking how long I'm here for. I try not to analyze but I can't help but wonder if he really is planning on making plans to see me. Part of me wants to reach out and ASK. But he knows where to find me if he WANTS to see me, right MOA? I admit, it hurts to get a text asking how long I'm here then texting back my last day but not hearing anything after almost 1 week. Because here I am...so close. Actually 20 min away from him yet I feel so far away. Was hoping to just settle this once and for all over phone or in person. I'm here for 10 more days. I just wonder if I will hear from him again. Honestly I feel like he's not sure or punishing me, you know?; January 3, 2014 at 7:13 AM
chk61 said...: @Gemini50: thanks for sharing the blog about online dating at 50. I found it to be quite funny yet ultimately somewhat depressing as the author gave up after a year and closed down the blog. Then again, I do have three close friends who all met their men online. Also, thank you for sharing your recent experiences. Hang in there!

I've been considering putting a new profile on match and giving it 6 months (they give you another 6 months free if you don't meet anyone). I had thought about it doing that last year, and dragged my feet and never did it. I met DM on a free site (he is also on match) but after reading the blog about online dating at 50 (she did a lot of sites but mostly used match), I'm wondering if I should just save my money. :-)

@Mltn: thanks for sharing your story as well. Wow, that was a gut wrencher. It is truly a visceral - and painful - realization when it all becomes clear. You sound like you are doing OK though. I hope that is the case.

The intense desire I felt to contact DM did drop off a bit after the new year passed. I still think of him daily, morningly and nightly except for those wonderful moments when I'm distracted by other people or activities. At the end of next week, it will be 6 months since I've seen this man. That gut-wrenching, visceral thing hasn't really kicked in for me and I wish it would. I have to just keep the faith and trust that time will take care of all of this.; January 3, 2014 at 7:37 PM
Gemini50 said...: 1 of 2

@Mltn, I'm so glad the biopsy came out fine.:-)

Did you really vomit? If so, your body was so in tune to the repulsiveness of this man's behavior that it reacted immediately -- and I think that's amazing. We can trick ourselves with your minds, but the body and soul knows.

Thanks for your time/pain comment. It's on the mark. And I hope you are able to use your new found techy skills on a man who deserves you and will appreciate the gift.

@KK, Thanks for your encouragement. I like to read that you are finding datable men online.
The winks have stopped for me, and I've been getting emails, but none that interest me.

@ Ms. Mirror, I read a book yesterday HEARTBURN by Nora Ephron. It is an entertaining quick read memoir of a woman finding out her husband is cheating on her and how she handles it. The character is a food personality (and there are some really good recipe's mixed in). She got me thinking: when things needed fixing in this woman's life/home, she would always recall one particular man from her past... how he would be able to come in and fix it.

I wondered what man do I think of from my past who I know can fix a problem if I need help. Not literally, just who was the man to come to mind with the thought, "Oh if **** was here, he could fix it." I couldn't come up with ANYONE. I went thru each man I've been involved with and, yup, NO ONE.

Because I was the fixer.

I always fixed the relationship, I fixed all the kid problems, I managed the home needs, and I found the 'professionals' to fix the mechanical, building, etc problems.

I am beginning to think you and KK are right.... flatten the shit out of me to build anew. ;-)

There's also a line in the book where I thought of you Ms. Mirror, "... the major concrete achievement of the woman's movement in the 1970's was the Dutch treat." Sad, but true.

Hey, I haven't cried yet today, that's progress... and yesterday it was only a couple times... and it was more over being alone than anyone else.; January 4, 2014 at 8:36 AM
Gemini50 said...: 2 of 2

I'm working on figuring out why it has always been men to push me to the brink of devastation. My first visit to therapy was at 22-ish due to husband (had tons of other issues I needed to work on from childhood, but my breaking point was him); 2nd time was in late 20's after the break-up of 3-yr relationship with an Aries 10-yrs my senior; 3rd time was 6 yrs ago for help with my breaking up with 15-yr Sag (I knew I needed help staying strong with my decision and help conquering my fears of being able to manage on my own); 4th time was a couple years ago after I felt like my legs were kicked out from under me after the first experience with Virgo and sleeping with Orange. (My first question to therapist was, "Am I a whore?" Thank goodness he said, "No.")

I thought about going back yesterday, wondering why it's the end of relationships with men that knock me to my knees? I think it includes (but not limited to) that I was never taught to deal with disappointment constructively and my feelings were never acknowledged growing up -- hell, never mind feelings, my freaken' existence didn't matter. lol

So, just coming to that understanding helped me.

Why MEN that I have been intimate with and emotionally connected to are the catalyst of my distraught, is another question. I can walk away from female friendships, women who I've shared (sometimes years) of life experiences with, told intimate things to, but if I need to end those relationships, it doesn't affect me. I don't feel anything. I just move on. But with a man I've been intimate with, it's hell. I feel hurt, scared, lost, alone... and think I'm never going to love again.

It's odd, very odd.

It's freezing up north... was -30 at 6 am... if it warms up at all, I'm going to bundle up, put my snowshoes on and go for a trek....

Thank you again to all the women here. And Ms. Mirror, I hope you are enjoying your 'holiday' with Mr. special man. ;-) (Tell him we say HI!); January 4, 2014 at 8:40 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I've had a date with someone that I originally met on-line dating beginning of last year. We corresponded on and off most of last year and I just gave him a wide birth. He finally made firm plans to come up and see me (it's longish distance) and he traveled to see me. He mentioned about the length of time it had took for us to get together and other than distance and time, reading between the lines from what he had said, he expressed that you never know until you meet someone with on-line dating and often people are not what they say they are. So I think it has needed a bit more of a commitment our arrangement because of the distance time and expense and also the risk has been higher when you compare this to meeting someone who lives locally as if you don't like each other when you finally meet it is not as much as a big deal as you didn't have to invest as much of your resources in getting the meeting together if it is a disappointment.

We went for drinks and something to eat, we had a fabulous evening, we didn't have sex. He expressed that he thought I was much nicer than my photos and he was really pleased and he was affectionate and gentlemanly towards me. I liked his body language towards me. He admitted that he had had a couple of flings last year. He said he wanted to see how things go, he is a laid back person although now I see that he can take action, claims to be private, which I can see although I did feel that he opened up about certain things. I think he does keep his cards closed to his chest though.

He did disappear on me a number of times last year, I let him go and he always came back and I let him back too easily admittedly!! We had never met at this point and it was seeming like he was never going to come and meet me, follow through, until recently he has shown to step up and come forward.

Obviously I'd like to see him again, he will know this from our meeting without me having to say anything. I am doing my normal thing of hanging back. I get the impression he could be relationship ready but too soon to say and it's whether he wants that with me. If this does continue I have to keep my expectations low as this would be the early stages of dating. The distance is obviously a major influential factor in how and if this develops, however, more so depending on his level of interest.

It's been nearly a week from our meeting, I haven't heard from him nor will I reach out to him, if this is meant to be we will meet again. I'm trying not to be overly concerned about not hearing from him as I think he is a slow operator and this has been his pattern of behaviour at times and if anything is to happen with this I think it would be a very slow process.

I just want to know that I'm having the right attitude about this and I want to check what you think about him not contacting me nearly a week after our date?? Is this ok and normal? I think this is ok, on the other hand he could have text me and can't help being a bit disappointed but then again it is only casual dating! My gut instinct is that he is distancing himself after submerging to find out how he feels and whether he wants to proceed and I wouldn't be surprised if he is monitoring my behaviour in how I respond after the meeting ;) I won't contact him, what I have learned about him in the last year is that he's best left to come forward when he's ready or so be it!

What do you think?
Thank you; January 4, 2014 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror.
Do u remember me I'm anonymous from jan 1st 11.10 am regarding my situation with the long distance guy.
We'll i now know they are boyfriend and girlfriend and I have seen pictures on her page on Facebook.
I've still not said anything to him like you said,do u still think I should now because I wasn't sure?
He is still in touch with me via text but it was only before Christmas he arranged to see each other again but I usually go to his place but he suggested with book a weekend together in a different state.
I'm so upset about this whole situation.
Why is he still I touch with me?
Any idea what he is playing at?; January 4, 2014 at 11:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"Because I was the fixer. . . I always fixed the relationship, I fixed all the kid problems, I managed the home needs, and I found the 'professionals' to fix the mechanical, building, etc problems."

That's what I'm referring to dear when I suggest that women cease "do, do, doing" all the time. Exhausting yourself for a man that doesn't appreciate it usually ends up resulting in something like this - a comment that I believe a man just left on a piece here recently:

"No mention of good, old-fashioned "boredom"? Remember, for every beautiful woman, there's a man tired of f*cking her." (http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/01/man-cheats-infidelity-why-reasons.html)

See what "do, do, doing" and performing like a circus monkey 24/7 for a man gets you as a woman? Sigh. . .regretfully and unfortunately, it gets you labeled as "safe" and that safety then gets you labeled as "boring" and that boredom then gets you quickly taken for granted and unappreciated and then POOF. . .gone and off to their next adventure. . .sigh.

So when women think that being "nice" all the time and making things "perfect" for the man and "fixing" things all the time and basically, carrying the entire load of the relationship on their shoulders is going to lead to happiness. . .they're wrong. Instead, I say be your "true" self. Don't be afraid to disagree, to speak your mind, to stand up for yourself, to say no when need be and to look out for yourself - because men respect that and surprisingly, it keeps them "engaged" and stimulated to an extent. It's not a game, it's not a tactic. . .it's simply the permission and suggestion to be YOU - who you truly are, without trying so hard to be "perfect" all the time :-)

"There's also a line in the book where I thought of you Ms. Mirror, "... the major concrete achievement of the woman's movement in the 1970's was the Dutch treat." Sad, but true."

Yea, sigh lol. . .once again, total misinterpretation of the causes behind the movement. Women didn't fight for the right to pay for their own dinner, LOL. They fought for:

"The feminist movement (also known as the women's movement, women's liberation, or feminism) refers to a series of campaigns for reforms on issues such as reproductive rights, domestic violence, maternity leave, equal pay, women's suffrage, sexual harassment, and sexual violence, all of which fall under the label of feminism."

It really doesn't pay women as a gender any good to boil down that movement to one erroneous notion. . . the ability to be a man in a love relationship. It stood for much deeper issues than that and that type of incorrect spin on the causes that were fought for really doesn't do the movement or us women any justice if you ask me.

It's that exact type of incorrect spin on the movement that got us all here where we are today if you ask me:

1) Stuck in between whether or not we should display masculinity.
2) Confused about when/where to exert our right to display it.

If you look at the causes of the movement above, you'll note that NONE of them have ANYTHING to do with the relationship between men and women directly. Instead, they involve the workplace, healthcare, career equality, lifestyle, etc.; January 4, 2014 at 5:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Sorry, I missed the second half of your comment:

"I'm working on figuring out why it has always been men to push me to the brink of devastation."

Could it be dear, because you base your value of yourself on how men respond/receive/value you? Instead of on how YOU perceive those things about YOURSELF? Your value as a woman dear comes from you, from inside yourself, regardless of how men perceive you. However, if you base your value as a woman on how men perceive you, when they reject you and or refuse you, you are then left devastated because your entire value you place on yourself comes strictly from them - and not you. Does that make sense?

"I can walk away from female friendships, women who I've shared (sometimes years) of life experiences with, told intimate things to, but if I need to end those relationships, it doesn't affect me."

Could that be because you're not concerned with the value that women place on you? Meaning, again that you possibly value yourself only as highly as men value you.

Just some food for thought dear :-); January 4, 2014 at 5:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA. I LOVE your blogs, read every last one of them and I finally found the strength to let go of a low-life dirt-bag that's been a part of my life for the last 3 years. I am now ready to date other men and move forward with my life. When dating potential men, I'm all for courtship and having the man take a woman out on real dates instead of going to his/her house. But my question is while in the early stages of dating, is it appropriate for you to meet your date at the restaurant instead of him coming to your house to pick you up? I ask because I just feel a little uneasy having men I don't know come to my house to pick me up for a date and they now know where I live. Me personally, I don't want a man to know where I live until I feel comfortable and he's proven himself to me as genuine. I would like to know your thoughts on this.; January 4, 2014 at 6:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

some sad stories have appeared here recently :-(. I am with you. I know how it hurts but everything comes to an end at one point.

A few days ago I was in a café with my girlfriend. As we were chatting I noticed a woman and man sitting at a table nearby. He was good-looking, she was plain-looking, about 35 years old. Not a married couple. As we were chatting with my friend, occasionally I looked at this couple, curious to see how their communication was going on. And what I saw was what some of us nice, honest girls, don´t seem to be capable of putting in practice. This woman was - or pretended to be - rather indifferent, even bored. At first I thought: Okay, they are not on good terms, they will most probably soon leave the café and go their own ways. It didn´t happen though. The more "bored" she was, the more he tried to interest her. He tried really hard to win her over. I must admit that nothing like that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Because in case the man was interested and I wasn´t I didn´t even allow him to try it with me. And when I was more interested than the man, it was always me who tried hard. So maybe this is something worth learning. Maybe we "good" women want to share too much with the man because we want a "real, sincere, open" relationship with him. And it doesn´t work that way. Also, the woman in the café, who apparently had that man twisted round her little finger, almost didn´t talk at all. It was him who made an effort to keep the conversation going. Most of the time she was silent. Of course, not so much can be deduced from this situation because he might also have cheated on her and now was trying hard to make her forgive him, or a similar scenario. But for me it was a learning scene, because I could see with my own eyes how she didn´t try at all and she was extremely successful with him. I guess if I had been in her place, I would have been much more communicative, which would have given the man a chance to take me for granted.

We keep learning all the time and that´s good, isn´t it? Maybe life treats us harshly because if everything went smoothly, we would be bored? Who knows how it all really is?

I wish you a nice end of the weekend and don´t be too sad,
Hopeful; January 5, 2014 at 12:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sleepless In NY,
I would ignore the happy new year text and simply ask to arrange a convenient time when you can pick up your jacket. If he him-haws around, suggest another date and time and don't let up until he provides one. If he further continues to disregard your request, you can then get a bit more "I mean business here" with him and suggest that you'll get a constable to join you at his place to see to it that you can pick up your jacket.

He's treated you like crap, so I wouldn't worry about getting a bit firm with him at this point if he insists on playing games over the jacket.; January 5, 2014 at 3:54 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

I have been flipping your thought through my mind over and over, trying to look at every angle. I tried, but could not agree with your assessment.

I lived most of my life placing EVERYONE else's opinions over my own, and allowed them to determine my value. But I stopped that a couple years ago. (All I can say is it was like Magic... all of a sudden, one day, it just finally changed... all the work I had done for myself, finally clicked ON.) I am proud to say that others do not have that kind of power over me anymore.

So I kept coming back to read your thoughts, looking for something, an opening, an awareness, a connection, an ANSWER to help me identify WHY I am such a mess at times.

I just realized the explanation may be right, with one change. It's not "men's" opinions, etc., that I base my value on, rather it is ONE MAN -- the ONE MAN that I am sharing my life, heart and soul with and also committed/hoping to share tomorrow with.

If this ONE MAN does not want me anymore, you are right, I feel worthless, invisible, as if my total existence does not matter and has no value in this world.

Drastic? Yes. But it's the truth.

And it's a starting point for me. Thank you.

I still have work to do.

I hope this introspection and discussion has been helpful to others; my apologies if it's driving you crazy like an old re-run on tv that just won't go away.

Peace.; January 5, 2014 at 4:22 PM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: Your blog has been a God-send. I found it a few weeks ago and it has changed the way I look at interacting with men. I love the way you offer advice honestly, but aren't brutal about it. You understand how women get emotionally attached when getting closer and don't make us feel impotent for doing so, which is a nice break from all the blogs that seek to degrade us for doing so. I just appreciate your kindness and directness and seek your honest opinion. It's probably more than you want to read, but I'm just wanting you to tell me your thoughts. Here it goes...

I’ve been out of an abusive relationship for a year and a half. He’s been out of one for 6 months. We met on a popular app among college students that lets you Whisper your secrets. I felt led to reach out to his post about his abusive ex. I remembered what it was like. We corresponded several times (I can read his Whispers and know it’s him) and we finally exchanged numbers as friends. He jokingly called me his therapist. Even offered to pay me. I told him I was just helping him as a friend.

He began to turn to me for advice more and more. He’d text me at 4am instead of texting his ex. I told him to do so whenever he needed to. I was there for him whenever. Then…he started to initiate more than just friends by flirting and letting me know he was definitely interested in more.
By this time, I had begun to kinda fall for him too. The amount that we poured our hearts and souls out to one another…it would be hard not to develop feelings…

He confided in me that he was molested by his own father at 5. His mother kicked his dad out and his dad is pretty much a psychopath. The thing is, he said this to me like it was nothing. He kind of got offended by my sympathy. It was weird. He told me “It’s not like this is a heart-to-heart”.

That was early on when we started talking as more than friends and it’s stuck with me ever since…not because I judge him for it at all…but because I think it has everything to do with his odd behavior when it comes to intimacy.

He would text me like a normal guy. The “Hope you have a good days” and all. But, he wouldn’t ask to meet. That bothered me. This is around the time his odd behavior began.; January 6, 2014 at 1:40 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: He was really open. Had been honest. Said he loved my personality. Couldn’t wait to meet. Would talk to me when he was thinking about her, or was upset. Then, one night, after we had agreed to meet for dinner when he got back to our college that weekend, he out of the blue says “I’m sorry, but I’m giving up my pursuit of happiness…blah, blah, blah”. It was so odd. He had been so happy talking to me. So sweet. Then he shuts down. Goes cold.

Remembering how hard it is when you’re dealing with PTSD and abusive trauma, I gave him a break. We continued to talk. He acted very confused with how he felt about me. He’d have his flirty moments and his cold moments. Eventually he said he was ready to meet me. We made plans…guess what? He sabotaged by hurting his knee. But, said “I’m finally ready to meet you, even though I may be moving”. (I told him I didn’t like what-ifs and wanted to meet anyways)…but it was like he had to talk himself into it….
We met the day after our original plans.(His knee didn’t look that bad.) Things went great. The more time I was with him, the more I was attracted to him. He was sweet. We actually watched a football game and took a walk afterward. But, on our walk, he got triggered (PTSD) and he was ready to go back to his apartment. Once back, he said he hoped I had a good day, but that he was tired and wanted to lay down. Hurt and thinking WTF by his sudden coldness, I left after we said our goodbyes. I get on the app we both frequent to see his post “My hope for a happy ending is dwindling”. That cut like a knife. Right after meeting me? He text me with a “:))”. I said it back. He asked what I thought and I told him I had a good time. He said he did too. Then, I told him he could be honest, as he knows I can see his Whispers. I told him I could tell he wanted me out of his apartment. He said “You could tell?” I said yes. He got upset. Kept saying sorry. He told me he got triggered by something on our walk and kept thinking of her. That’s why he wanted to be alone. I told him it was okay. Consoled him. Told him I’d talk to him later.

Next thing I know…he’s secretly posting about almost committing suicide…I proceeded to talk him out of it. The day we met. It finally worked and he stopped talking about it and told me he was going to lay down.
We continued to talk and I’d be there for him. We flirted and made plans for the following Tuesday. I was going to cook for him. When I told him that he said “You’re going to cook?! I’m not worth that”. It broke my heart. I told him he was, but as you guessed it, he sabotaged by being sick. I took him a get-well basket later that week because he was acting really sick. Left it on his balcony. He asked why I was so sweet, like it puzzled him. He sparingly talked to me every day when he felt okay and then he dropped off the planet by the weekend. Scared he was really sick, or suicidal, I text him to tell him that I was wondering if he was okay. No answer. I was panicking. I text him again and told him to please just let me know that he’s okay and that I was worried, considering the past weekend. He says “I’m having me time :/”.; January 6, 2014 at 1:41 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: ***I need to throw in here that he’d text me at 3am and 4am sometimes. Just random thoughts/feelings. One time, he never text me back and said early the next morning, “I’m disappointed in you! You never text me back.” Later that morning he said “Please. Make me meet you because I really want to. Please make me meet you. I really like you.” This was before our first meet. It’s when I first starting seeing signs of odd behavior. He admitted to testing me to see if I’d respond when he ignored me, then said he was sorry because I called him out on it. This was before I had fallen and had my head on straight.***

I was really nice though he kept being short with me when he finally responded. Finally, I got mad. All I asked was if he was okay and he was giving me the cold shoulder. I said to him that I was starting to see some things, that I was sorry I messaged him in the first place, and Good night. He responded with “What do you mean?” I didn’t answer him. He sent a “?” The next day and pretty much blew up my phone until I answered him. He said he didn’t understand why I was upset because he did answer me and he was at a party. We worked it out. I told him I just cared and was worried. I proceeded to tell him that I liked him. He sounded shocked. He was like “You like me??????” He asked why and all. I told him I just wanted to hang and get to know one another better, but was unsure of how he felt, as I thought he didn’t feel the same. He got defensive. Said I didn’t know how he felt and said he couldn’t tell me. I waited a few hours and said that was too bad. He finally told me that when he laid eyes on me for the first time that past Sunday, all he wanted to do was kiss me. I told him was that so hard? He told me he didn’t know why he couldn’t bring himself to tell me that until now. We talked and he said he wanted to come cuddle and watch a movie and I said yes.

There were so many times he wanted to come over, but would talk himself out of it. He’d say he wanted to then would say he’d probably bother me, say he’d been drinking and didn’t trust himself, say he knew he’d want to kiss me, but he didn’t want our first kiss to be with alcohol on his breath…you name…he’d use it. Then, he’d say that “Nevermind” and tell me that he’d come over anytime I wanted him to and to just let him know. But, when I planned it, he’d sabotage the morning before.

One night he text me saying he was really upset and was wanting to be held…I told him he was welcome to come over and I’d hold him. He used the excuses. Said he didn’t want me to see him cry. I would say I didn’t mind. He’d move on to saying he couldn’t get out of bed, etc. But, that night, I finally got something out of him…he admitted to me that ever since their breakup he felt like he couldn’t trust anyone. That’s why he didn’t leave his apartment much (I didn’t either at 4-6 months recovery). I told him that I really cared about him and didn’t understand why he couldn’t trust me after all that we had been through and that I was trying.
He said that he just couldn’t. I told him maybe he would one day. He said “I will”. I got upset thinking about all the other women he’d been with before me that he let in close proximity, but used him and left him. Why was I so different? I ACTUALLY CARED. I told him I wanted to ask him a question and asked him why he wouldn’t let me in or get close to me when I actually cared about him? He answered “Because you got here after I got hurt”. That wasn’t true. He’d let those other women in after he got hurt. Why not me?; January 6, 2014 at 1:42 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: I told him I felt that wasn’t true and I remember him dating another girl when we were first corresponding as friends (and he told me that she treated him much better than his ex, but he was still only thinking about his ex.) I said that he’d never appreciate me as a good woman, nor what I had done for him and that it wasn’t about how I felt, but him, as it was about his recovery and that I wanted to know and got an answer. I was very upset by this point. He’d been playing with my emotions so much. He didn’t respond. I felt bad for being so blunt and mean. I apologized. He said he felt like he couldn’t talk to me anymore because of what I said. He wouldn’t explain why. We talked. He said we definitely had a connection but he was just broken, his heart blowing in the wind. I assured him that he wasn’t broken, just hurt and that he’ll eventually recover. I kept talking him out if his dark spot and he said “Why are you trying so hard? Why are you trying to help me? Do you want to end up with me in the end?” I answered him honestly. Heartfelt. It was long. I really care about him. His reply “Come cuddle.” Really?

I told him I wasn’t at my apartment near our college, or I’m would and we got off on a trigger he just had. I asked why he got upset about what I had said. He said he didn’t. I said yes, you did and asked why. He said “Because it’s like a conflict of interest”. THAT baffled me. WHAT does that mean? He went on to say that we definitely had a connection and that he liked me, but was just heartbroken. I didn’t push further, though he kept insisting on knowing what I was thinking…
He text me later that night and it was song lyrics “Names interchange and change my submissive ways” was a line. He’d wrote them. A clue to his submissive tendencies…perhaps?

He said he was in the grey…I told him he could get out and I told him I thought he was afraid of opening up to me because emotional intimacy scares him. Physical intimacy is what he’s used to and I’m a lady and he knows he couldn’t connect to me like that for a while. I told him, I could be wrong, but I was just asking. He never responded. I said good night. He told me good night and to sleep good. Avoidance…

The next night…I was having a bad night when he text me and I confided about my mom being a slight trigger at times for me because she’s manipulative…I felt like I could really open up to him, as I had already poured my heart and soul to this guy. I told him I was driving back to our college. He asked me what he could do to make things better as I was really upset. I told him I didn’t want to be alone and wanted to talk.; January 6, 2014 at 1:43 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: He said talk to me. I said nevermind. He was avoiding wanting to be there for me in person. He kept begging me to please tell him what to do. I said I was going to bed and that he probably didn’t want to hear it as I was just the woman in his phone that was supposed to be strong for him and I was sorry he saw my weak moment. He told me to stop being like that and asked if I wanted him to come over and hold me. I said maybe. He said to let him know, as he was “falling asleep”. I said yes. He didn’t respond until he told me he was sorry for falling asleep the next morning and kept apologizing…convenient and another sabotage.
I knew he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Why am I so different? I told him it was okay, as he was still there for me. Then…out of nowhere, he says “You are a great person and you’re going to be okay. You just need to focus on school, work and finding a great guy. You are so full of life and that’s great because I can see it.” That BROKE MY HEART. He’s the one that I want. I told him that by simply saying that I knew that but that I wanted him. He said “Why do you want me so bad?” I told him I saw the beautiful person below the hurt and I really had fell for him. He said “You’ve fallen for me……?” I said yes. He said “Why do you have to go and fall for me while I’m broken? I might not be back next semester. What do you think?!” I said I couldn’t help who I fell for and I knew the risks, but cared about him.

He said “I like you, but I just don’t know. I have no heart anymore. My heart is blowing in the wind that fills the halls of building 800. I just don’t want YOU hurt.” He then went on to say that he needed to be held, touched, kiss, to show his love and to feel alive and that he hadn’t felt alive in months. He said he knew I didn’t get it. He said he just wanted to make love and feel a connection beyond belief with someone other than his nightmares and memories. I think he was unknowingly telling me that I was right about his only being comfortable with physical intimacy. I said that that was why he kept getting hurt, as women who put out early on usually aren’t looking for long term and will use him and leave him as the many women he’d been with since their breakup had. He told me he just didn’t know and to tell him what to do…; January 6, 2014 at 1:43 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: I tried to tell him to give me a chance and to stop letting his ex and her image in his mind hold him back. I told him we were going to have dinner that week and just hang out casually and I was doing what he asked me to do. IT’S NOT LIKE I WAS ASKING FOR COMMITMENT. He said he was going to be busy studying and doing projects. I said that was an excuse because he doesn’t study as it is and we could study together. He said I just don’t know. I told him to stop letting his ex get to him. I kicked into friend mode and told him she was happy with someone else, he couldn’t make her happy anymore, that it wasn’t his fault, but that he needed to move on and make himself happy. He got upset and started crying and told me he’d talk to me later about it because it was too much at once. I told him I was sorry and to talk when he was ready. He said not to be sorry and we both went silent for a while. He text me later that afternoon saying he just wasn’t over her. Things kinda blew up from there. All the feelings and hurt I had pent up came out and I – in a nutshell – said that I didn’t understand why he’d led me on and kept fanning the flames, and that I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see me as a good woman and 10x the woman his ex will ever be (yeah, I was mad, as I all I was wanting was to hang out and this girl is complete trash). I was so upset after everything I had done for him and opened my heart up to him…he said he knew I was a once-in-a-lifetime woman, but that he just wasn’t ready for anything and he was sorry I felt like he led me on because he hadn’t. That infuriated me, as he was invalidating my feelings. I told him that he kept pushing away the good and embracing the bad and that I felt for him and that I shouldn’t say anything else.

He said “Are you kidding me? I’ve been broken and you’ve been trying to push me to like you. I get it you’re hurt and you see so much of yourself in me, but I’m just not going to put myself in a position to hurt someone because I’m not over her. I’m sorry you thought there was more than this. Obviously, you’ve never been in love. All you seem to say are hurtful things lately.” This set me off and really cut deep. NOW, he’s telling me it was never more than friends to him? After all that I had done and the hot and cold? So…everything was a lie? I got upset and all I said was “I’m at a loss…I’m sorry I ever tried to helped you.” He said “I’m sorry you had to say all this…” Then an hour later “I can’t believe you said that to me…” I didn’t respond. I was so upset.

I COULD NOT believe he was saying I was trying to push him to like me? He started all of this more than friends thing. He kept hurting my feelings and withdrawing, which made me pressure him because I never knew where we stood and he kept yin-yanging. I had been pouring my emotions into him – and emotional black hole – and he expected me keep giving without getting anything in return? That’s not right, nor is it healthy. Anyways, the next night, I felt led to message him after attending church at my university. I finally realized I had pressured him a lot toward the blowup that Sunday afternoon. I apologized, told him I was sorry for failing him as a friend, that I let my own selfish desires and feelings invade our friendship, that I still wanted to be his friend as that’s what true friendship is about and told him my wish for him was that he found a the woman of his dreams and called me and told me he was happy. That he deserves his dream of a wife and family and that I think the potential move to another college will do him good…to get away from our college and the apartment complex he, I, and his exes all live in. It was a very honest and mature letter. I told him our friendship was up to him.; January 6, 2014 at 1:45 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: He messages me “I never tried to hurt you…” Then “I’m sorry about everything. I know we flirted and all. The nightmares just took over and I woke up crying.” The significance of the last part is baffling??? Anyways, I said I knew he didn’t mean to and that I had a peaceful feeling in my heart. He said he was “so sorry” again and that I “deserved a better friend than him”. What’s that supposed to mean? I told him I liked my friend the way he was and we had a convo. I ended it. He text me the next night, talking about how he kept looking out his window to see if his ex got home, as she lives across the hall…we talked about that and I told him I used to have the same PTSD tendencies. Our convo got deep. I said what helped me move on was the fact that I didn’t want mini versions of my psycho ex. He said the sad thing was that he wanted his ex to have his kids because she was a beautiful person. I told him that beautiful people are those there are hurt and can overcome it (him and me) not people like her that abuse people and cannot change. I also told him that she would beat their kids and he’d be standing between them. Getting them therapy at a young age. I asked him if he wanted that to be his future and responsible for his children going through that? By this time, I had really switched back to friend mode and was telling him what he needed to hear.

He said “she’s a beautiful person”. I said that I had made him think because he waited a while before he answered after he read it and I him he needed to stop magnifying the good and start seeing the bad, as it was hurting his recovery. He got mad and said “Idk. Nevermind”. I didn’t text him back because he didn’t like hearing the truth and sounded like he was done talking to me.

He text me again Wednesday night. It was weird because all he said was “Hey”. He never just says hey, or he hadn’t since when he was acting like a normal interested guy. I waited a bit as I was busy. I said “Hi”, as I wasn’t sure what to say after all that had transpired. He opens it THE MINUTE he got it. Then…nothing. Silence. That really confused me.

I look on the anonymous app we both have on Thursday and he’s posted – thinking I can’t see it – this: “Just texted her for the last time. I’m finally saying goodbye and moving on with my life. Time to move forward.”; January 6, 2014 at 1:45 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: At first, I thought it was about me…the timing was just right. He posts this after texting me and not responding the night before? Then, I really the “finally” implicated that it was a long time coming. Plus, I was just a friend in his eyes. So, it was about his ex-girlfriend. He had finally said goodbye to her. That was a MILESTONE. This is a guy who had been holding on for 6 months and having nightmares about her. She really abused him.At first, I thought it was about me…the timing was just right. He posts this after texting me and not responding the night before? Then, I really the “finally” implicated that it was a long time coming. Plus, I was just a friend in his eyes. So, it was about his ex-girlfriend. He had finally said goodbye to her. That was a MILESTONE. This is a guy who had been holding on for 6 months and having nightmares about her. She really abused him.
I waited a few days, thinking he would text me – the one person that he said had helped him the most – and tell me the good news. 3 days went by. I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I told myself that we were just friends, so I text him Saturday and said “Hey, I don’t want to bother you, but I just wanted to say hi and that I hope you’re doing good. :)” He said “Thanks. I hope you’re doing good too” the moment he opened it.
I didn’t respond because I was so confused and didn’t want to appear pushy. Things were just in a weird place. Maybe he just needed me time, I thought to myself. I went silent and he finally text me a week later with – you guessed it – another excuse. He said, “OMG. My happy thanksgiving text never went through : (((“ I didn’t believe he had waited three days to see if the text had went through. I waited til 5pm the next day and took some of your advice and said, “Hey, good to hear from you! Hope you’ve been doing good!” He didn’t respond. So, you guessed it, I panicked. I text him again – big no, no – the next night and said that he hadn’t been talking much – which I understood – but that I was just wanting to let him know that despite our words, I was still his friend and still there. HE TEXT ME BACK THE SAME MINUTE. I guess, now looking back, he knew he had me then. We talked about our breaks and I was trying to end the conversation and he interjects that he thinks he’s ready to start dating again. He also mentioned that he was heading to bed and not having anyone to cuddle with was the part he hated most about being single. You’d be proud. I stood my ground. I played the friend role. Told him that was great progress and had some funny banter. He even went on to say that he didn’t know where to start and that he always dated friends, as he was such a shy guy and afraid to approach women. I’M NOT STUPID. My mom says he wasn’t talking about me, but I know he was. You don’t just interject this on someone you KNOW has feelings for you. I ended our conversation.

Guess what? The next morning, he texts me with “I’m so hungryyyy.” I took it as his lame attempt to get a lunch date started. I told him I had just woke up and was hungry too, but that’s what I got for sleeping until lunch. I totally opened the door for him. He says, “Me too. I just woke up.” I said something and he said “Yeah”. I don’t answer yeah messages. Later that night I decided to be playful and said, “So, are you going to stick to “I’m so hungryyy” or have you been perfecting your skills?”. He dryly says “I ate. Lol.” Then, proceeds to tell me that he’s gotten a job at our apartment complex – his parents are wealthy and I doubt he’s ever had one – and then tells me that he’s decided to stay next semester. THAT BLEW MY MIND. I was still friendly and said that was great. We got to talking and he acted excited when I told him what I was eating and I invited him to join me. He declined…again. I wound up calling him bud and said good night out of my frustration.; January 6, 2014 at 1:46 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: I waited a few days, thinking he would text me – the one person that he said had helped him the most – and tell me the good news. 3 days went by. I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I told myself that we were just friends, so I text him Saturday and said “Hey, I don’t want to bother you, but I just wanted to say hi and that I hope you’re doing good. :)” He said “Thanks. I hope you’re doing good too” the moment he opened it.
I didn’t respond because I was so confused and didn’t want to appear pushy. Things were just in a weird place. Maybe he just needed me time, I thought to myself. I went silent and he finally text me a week later with – you guessed it – another excuse. He said, “OMG. My happy thanksgiving text never went through : (((“ I didn’t believe he had waited three days to see if the text had went through. I waited til 5pm the next day and took some of your advice and said, “Hey, good to hear from you! Hope you’ve been doing good!” He didn’t respond. So, you guessed it, I panicked. I text him again – big no, no – the next night and said that he hadn’t been talking much – which I understood – but that I was just wanting to let him know that despite our words, I was still his friend and still there. HE TEXT ME BACK THE SAME MINUTE. I guess, now looking back, he knew he had me then. We talked about our breaks and I was trying to end the conversation and he interjects that he thinks he’s ready to start dating again. He also mentioned that he was heading to bed and not having anyone to cuddle with was the part he hated most about being single. You’d be proud. I stood my ground. I played the friend role. Told him that was great progress and had some funny banter. He even went on to say that he didn’t know where to start and that he always dated friends, as he was such a shy guy and afraid to approach women. I’M NOT STUPID. My mom says he wasn’t talking about me, but I know he was. You don’t just interject this on someone you KNOW has feelings for you. I ended our conversation.

Guess what? The next morning, he texts me with “I’m so hungryyyy.” I took it as his lame attempt to get a lunch date started. I told him I had just woke up and was hungry too, but that’s what I got for sleeping until lunch. I totally opened the door for him. He says, “Me too. I just woke up.” I said something and he said “Yeah”. I don’t answer yeah messages. Later that night I decided to be playful and said, “So, are you going to stick to “I’m so hungryyy” or have you been perfecting your skills?”. He dryly says “I ate. Lol.” Then, proceeds to tell me that he’s gotten a job at our apartment complex – his parents are wealthy and I doubt he’s ever had one – and then tells me that he’s decided to stay next semester. THAT BLEW MY MIND. I was still friendly and said that was great. We got to talking and he acted excited when I told him what I was eating and I invited him to join me. He declined…again. I wound up calling him bud and said good night out of my frustration.

I then, because I unfortunately have a heart, began to feel bad and messaged him the next morning. It was a HUGE no-no. I told him that I felt like he was an introvert and that I had been getting signals from him that he wanted to hang out, but could have been wrong and to let me know if I was because I would never bring it up again. I then asked him if he’d like to grab dinner and just come back and watch a movie, as I knew he didn’t like going out much because of his PTSD. I was really trying here.; January 6, 2014 at 1:47 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: He messages me back and says that he would like that one day, but he thinks he’s busy with roommate stuff today, but that if he has time, he “guesses” we can get a movie and watch it. Really? Lol. I didn’t answer. He texts me again and I respond, telling him okay and to have a good day, sounding all upbeat and not mad. He told me that he thinks he’ll be free. I asked if he was sure. He said yes. We set a time. I text him when I got out of class. He tells me that he’s “SO. TIRED. And just rolled over.” He was blowing me off again. THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW. I waited two hours after that shitty text and…nothing. I knew it was better if I went silent, but I could not hold back my frustration. I told him that he better rest up for his brews and bitches at the party tomorrow and that maybe he’d find another bitch to replace the one he lost. I also said that I wouldn’t be there to help him pick up the pieces when it happened again and that he’d hurt me for the last time. He text me at almost 2am and said he was “so sorry” for falling asleep and that he’d stayed up the night before studying for exams and that he’d “be sure not to bother me anymore…”. I didn’t answer that.

The next night, feeling bad, I text him again and said I knew he was going through some hard times and I understood. Nothing. I finally text him two days later and asked if he was just going to ignore me? I told him that I had every reason in the world not to want to talk to him, but I kept reaching out because I knew he was going through a lot and that he really questioned if I cared after all this? I said I never said he was bothering me. He simply replies an hour later, “I’m not ready to try and move on.” I told him that I was glad that he was finally honest, that I wished him the best, that I would keep him in my prayers, I was there for him, and that he couldn’t count me as one of those girls that just walked away from him, as I had tried. (He said all of his friends and lovers leave him…which is friends are his lovers usually…so.) He wound up texting me two days later saying, “Hey. I know you think I’m a huge asshole. I just don’t want to put you in a situation you don’t deserve to be in.” I waited until the next day and told him I only thought of him as an asshole when he blew me off instead of telling me how he really felt and that I understood, as a friend is what he needs right now and that everything was behind us. I then asked how he was. He apologized and then began getting snippy and told me that he was working. I said I’d talk to him later. He texts me that night and says he hates life and then that he hopes I’ve had a good day. I answer him, he disappears. I don’t say anything else. He texts me again the next night, saying he lied to me. Of course, I’m thinking “WTF?” I calmly say “Just tell me the truth?” He says that he lied about what his favorite song was and then tells me it was him and his ex’s song and that he loved it and hated it. My girlfriend was seeing this and said, “He’s so lying! He was going to say something else. I usually pull that shit when I’m about to say how I feel.” I text him that I didn’t think that was what he was going to say and that it was a bit dramatic for a lie about a song. He says that was what he was going to say, then says, “I want to text her.” I unloaded and told him that I knew he’d been texting her anyways and that she wouldn’t respond like she always does because she doesn’t care and that she walked away without any closure for the same reason: she doesn’t care and know it hurts him. I also told him that the only reason she hasn’t blocked his number is that she secretly enjoys knowing that she still has him under her thumb and control six months later and that she probably laughs when he texts her. The truth, though it was harsh. He got upset and said “Wow. Thanks. Good night.” I told him that if he kept running from the truth, he’d keep inflicting unnecessary pain on himself.; January 6, 2014 at 1:48 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: He didn’t say anything for a few days and while out with some friends I accidentally text him because I was looking at our texts and I said, “Damn”. He responded the next minute with “What” then “..?” 30 minutes later. I was the DD and didn’t get home until late, so I didn’t respond to him until the next morning. I told him it was accidental. Then, I decided to tell him what I’d been thinking. I told him I knew he pushed people away and had trust issues and recanted to him how he’d pushed me away only to reel me in, over and over, but that I wasn’t going anywhere (BIG NO-NO) because I cared and he needed a friend that would be there and tell him the truth.

Nothing. He waits a whole week, almost down to the same time (maybe an hours difference) and text me back, saying, “Hey. Sorry. I’ve been really busy with family and my uncle passed.” Another excuse, though I knew it might be true. I ignored it anyway. He’s ignored me so much, why not? Plus, I had revisited your blog and was mirroring his behavior. Four days later he caved and messaged me again, right after Christmas, saying, “Hey! How was your Christmas?” I ignored that message too. When the week mark got here, I sent him almost an exact replica of what you have on your blog, “Hey, what’s up? It’s great to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to catch up sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya later!”

It has been a week yesterday, since I’ve sent that text. Nothing. Not a peep. I arrived back at my college apartment today and saw his vehicle. I’ve been doing better about keeping my head since I read your blog again and it made me realize where I kept messing up. But, I guess, when you’re a friend to someone who needs it and the lines get blurred, it’s hard to really switch to being mean and stern like a romantic-interest only woman, you know? I just don’t understand why he’s going silent now. He’s the one that ignored me…the fact that he came looking after four days is maybe a good sign, but I think he’s waiting to see if I’ll chase him again and wanting to regain control, which is why he’s not saying anything. Then again, maybe he’s done. That’s running through my head. I think my insecurities are telling me that I was a joke to him and he doesn’t care. But, I really feel in my heart that he is a good guy, but just confused, ridden with PTSD and post-abuse symptoms, and still in love with his ex. Even after everything, I’m still crazy about him and have feelings. I opened up and told him a lot. I have that emotional connection. It’s hard to just forget something like that. I know he needs time. I guess I’m just afraid of him forgetting me and everything we went through together. I don’t know. I sound pathetic, don’t I?

I told you it would be long. I want the truth and to know what to do. I know I should wait it out, but do you think he’s genuinely scared of hurting me, or is he just not into me?

Thank you so much.

- A Confused Southern Belle; January 6, 2014 at 1:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @A Confused Southern Belle,
“My hope for a happy ending is dwindling”. That cut like a knife. Right after meeting me?"

No dear - right after experiencing emotions most likely. Right after experiencing something that he was prepared emotionally for due to his history of past abuse I imagine which I think he may be possibly confusing with his experience with his ex.

"he admitted to me that ever since their breakup he felt like he couldn’t trust anyone."

I honestly think it goes deeper than that dear. I think the breakup brought up past issues of abuse and the abandonment and/or isolation feelings associated with that. I think this all stems back to his history of abuse and the relationship with his ex triggering some of those feelings.

"He said “Because it’s like a conflict of interest”

I think, and I could be wrong here, but I think he's approaching his relationship with you as that of a therapist and when romantic feelings come into play, he feels it's a conflict of interest.

I think this man has a lot of emotional issues to work through dear and I don't think he's ready for a relationship as a result. I'd suggest that you give him plenty of space and time to balance himself. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. But when/if he does that, you're going to have to be willing to be friends only, in the true sense. You're going to have to push your romantic tendencies towards him aside and accept the fact that he's simply not ready for a multitude of reasons.

That doesn't mean that in a year or so he won't be ready either, he very well may be. But it's going to have to be him that initiates that, not you. Because I have a feeling that if/when this man feels romantic pressure when he's already under pressure and distress from other issues, he can't cope emotionally and that forces him to shut down to protect himself. So placing any "expectations" on him, whether spoken or not, are going to be sensed by him and it's going to cause him to retreat.

He's got a lot of "stuff" going on dear and he's simply not ready to take a chance again :-(; January 6, 2014 at 8:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 4, 8:52 AM,
"I just want to know that I'm having the right attitude about this and I want to check what you think about him not contacting me nearly a week after our date?? Is this ok and normal?"

Yes dear, it's okay and yes, it's normal. What isn't normal is when someone immediately starts pursuing you hard and pushing you to believe they want a relationship after one date. That should send up a red flag because it's the old "sweep her off her feet" method, where you're being fast tracked into the bedroom for a "bump and dump." So just give him plenty of time and space, don't freak out and start chasing him (sometimes this is the "test" period for them for that type of thing), and let him circle back around to you.

"My gut instinct is that he is distancing himself after submerging to find out how he feels and whether he wants to proceed and I wouldn't be surprised if he is monitoring my behaviour in how I respond after the meeting"

Exactly. It could be the "is she psycho" test, LOL ;-)

True relationships grow organically - slow and over time, requiring a bit of maintenance along the way, much like a garden that needs weeds pulled and fertilizer to reach full bloom. So continue what you're doing and if he wants you, he knows where to find you. In the meantime, don't stop living. Continue casually dating others from the site (no sex) and keep moving forward - he'll catch up :-); January 6, 2014 at 8:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 4, 11:43 AM,
"I've still not said anything to him like you said, do u still think I should now because I wasn't sure?"

No dear, do not do that. What purpose would that serve? You already know the answer, so don't force him to reject you to your face because that'd only be painful for you.

"He is still in touch with me via text but it was only before Christmas he arranged to see each other again but I usually go to his place but he suggested with book a weekend together in a different state."

That's a bit of a shady move considering he's involved with someone. And it says a lot about his character as a man - so steer clear of him at this point and don't engage him verbally and initiate any drama because it will only cause you pain to hear hurtful words from him :-(

"Any idea what he is playing at?"

Sounds to me like he may be a "cake and eat it too" kinda guy that wants the best of both worlds. Again, this speaks to his character as a man - if he were dating YOU right now, he could be doing this to YOU. So be thankful that isn't you he's attempting to betray here and steer clear of him with silence.; January 6, 2014 at 9:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 4, 6:14 PM,
"is it appropriate for you to meet your date at the restaurant instead of him coming to your house to pick you up?"

For a first date with a total stranger, yes it's appropriate. If you know this man already on a personal level or as an acquaintance of sorts and feel comfortable with it, then he can pick you up at your home. But if you're dating online and/or meeting total strangers out in public, then meeting in a public space for the first date or two is appropriate.; January 6, 2014 at 9:06 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Wanted to ask you a question regarding my disappearing reappearing man.
How do I go about text messaging app.
My guy has dissapeard for a few days now,he has not answered my text but we use the whatsapp service, so I would know if he has deleted or blocked me but he hasn't.
If he didn't want to be in touch with me anymore he would have deleted me and I would know?
I wonder why he hasn't?
Do u think I should delete him?
I also wanted to know my guy said he was going to take me out after xmas because I was away visiting my parents.
Xmas has come and gone and I was wandering do I say like casually does he still want to go out or do I wait for him to ask me again?; January 6, 2014 at 10:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 6, 10:51 AM,
"Do u think I should delete him?"

No don't do that. It's an emotional reaction and if you do that, he's going to know he's "got you." If you act upset and react like that, it's going to signal to him that it's because you care and it will hand your power over to him. It's much better to remain silent and keep him guessing.

"Xmas has come and gone and I was wandering do I say like casually does he still want to go out or do I wait for him to ask me again?"

No don't do ask him, wait for HIM to ask YOU. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. If you remind him of this, he may continue to play games, knowing that you're waiting on him. Instead, you want to give him the impression that you're fine, you're not upset, you're not reacting emotionally and you're living your life - with or without him - and having a good time - with or without him :-); January 6, 2014 at 12:26 PM
HEIDI said...: I have to share this story regarding the DM Aries that brought me here.

My brother has known him since college and they have many friends in common. Brother/Sis in law opted out of a group dinner party for NYE, however, my sister-in-law is friends with many of the wives in their crowd and shared this funny bit of Karma :

New Years Eve... Aries date, a young gal he's been "seeing/ sleeping with" since October, had apparently been drinking with friends earlier in the day.

By 9pm during dinner at a great restaurant with 4 other couples, Aries is ignoring her. She announces that she is " totally tanked" and "ready to have some fun tonight" ...She proceeds to throw back drinks and embarrass herself by spilling things and cursing loudly . He refuses to take her home when she asks citing the hundreds of dollars he spent on dinner/tickets etc.... SO, She proceeds to hit on one of the other men at the table and that couple ends up going home early.

Fast forward to 11:30, she disappears from the group, but is found by ( 2 of the men in their group) making out with someone near the restrooms. She tells the friends to "say adios to Aries".

Karma.

Aries spent New Years Eve/midnight alone, his date embarrassed him in front of his peers and left with another guy.

:)

Oddly enough? I want to thank this girl.
I hope she finds her happiness.

Gemini 50: Thanks to reading your post on New Years day ( a week before I heard this happened) I was inspired by your "f**K him" attitude and I deleted and blocked this guy's cell, work # and email addresses too. I had a lovely NYE alone with my kids, void of all drama and I realized I wanted to hold onto that "light" feeling. So I deleted him and a couple others.

Happy Monday!; January 6, 2014 at 12:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Heidi and The Ladies,
See gals, it's not necessary to confront these guys and/or give them a piece of your mind so that they experience a bit of the pain/stress they've caused you.

If you just remain silent, calm and patient - the universe does dish out the karma they've sown at the precise moment it is needed - and when that happens, it comes back 3-fold ;-); January 6, 2014 at 12:51 PM
chk61 said...: Crap. Still struggling with urges to contact. My apologies, Mirror and ladies but I have to post here instead of doing JUST THAT.

The good news is: the urge has lessened somewhat. The "what if's" keep cropping up and the "regrets, I've had a few..."

Why do I think I'll have a different result this time? Logic, reason and empirical thinking must rule in this situation. Emotion, wishful thinking, and temptation must be thrown out the wiindow!

I'm going for a walk before the big chill sets in...; January 6, 2014 at 1:57 PM
Anonymous said...: HEIDI said...

When I read your comment I laughed soooo hard and was so happy. As MOA says the universe is amazig and always watchinng when to dish out the karma. I have seen it happen so many times I can't count. I have had guys treat me like shit so many times and guess what? Now I sit back and watch them sit alone or with someone who treats them like shit. I have even had many of them crawl back to me. Unbelievable sometimes I think these assoles enjoy the abuse they get from these women. My friend once told me treat them badly and they will like you more. Her theory works on immature idiots but MOAs way works on mature me which is why I like her approach. It is not manipulative or game playing per say but more a great way of respecting ourselves and not losing our dignity. Her way basically helps us not get ourselves in situations that bring us to this blog You want to get to a point where you are comments to help others going through what you went through months ago. By following her advice you will avoid heartache, pain, nights crying at home, agony, feeling like you have been stabbed in the heart a million times, feeling worthless, empty and alone and the list goes on. You will come out on the other side feeling empowered, confident, radiant and attract the type of guys you deserve to be with. I really wish I had read this blog when I was in my early 20s in College or after College. Man I would have done things so differently.; January 6, 2014 at 2:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Cont'd

Here is a story from College. I was set up on a date with a tennis player who I thought was not bad popular and considered good looking. Ironic now I look at him and think ewww I would never go out with you even though he is a surgeon in L.A. Anyways I spent whole day shopping and bought a red dress with all my college money. I came here got ready and waited for him to come back from tennis meeting to take me to dinner as his date with the group. Guess what? He never showed up. I waited, waited and waiting. I then called him from dorm phone on his cell. Luckily he answered. He said he was running late and would meet me there. I waited in the dorm, went to dining hall and got myself dinner while my friends went out to a fancy dinner. Anyways I called again (big no no). He said go ahead and meet me at the dance. I said okay no problem. I went to the party with my dorm friends in a group and guess what? I saw him dancing drunk with a girl - dirty dancing not just dancing. My heart was shattered to pieces. To top things off this girl poured a huge glass of beer on my dress in front of everyone. Looking back I laugh and shake my head. I wasn't the hottest girl on campus. I had boy short hair which my mom told me looked good - I cut it sophomore year. I had extra pounds. Didn't dress up like the other girls. Had a baby face looked like I was younger than I was and didn't know how to wear make up. But wow....

Many more stories like this...sad. I even had a guy tell me he was going to a party with me only for me to find out on the night of the event (through his roomate and IM) that he had another date. I had bought a dress and was waiting in my dorm room. Luckily a very nice girlfriend of mine offered to be my date and yup a group of the girls in the dorm went together to the party. Fast forward a few years and I am now someone who none of these losers would have the guts to ask out or have a chance with. I worked at amazing places, got a great career, and now own my own business in the entertainment industry. They say women age! Ha! Ladies on here mark my words, all the guys who were hot or somewhat good looking in College or in my 20s have guts, a receding hairline and look like crap. I see them around and when they see me I wish I could video their reaction. One of them dropped his tray of food at a cafe we saw each other. This is a guy who never looked at me once. I am not bitter or anything quite the opposite. But take away the blonde highlights, nice dressy clothes, good makeup, super heels and nice boots, I am still the kind, nice, smart girl I was.Everyone on here seems to be so sweet, smart, funny, articulate, cute and respectful. So why should anyone of you text a guy (initiate), ask out (chase) or obsess over. That's their job because at the end of the day, you are the PRIZE here

I wish I could help girls in their 20s who are going through what I did by helping them see how beautiful they really are.; January 6, 2014 at 2:43 PM
Anonymous said...: @A Confused Southern Belle

Run, run and run. This guys sounds so manipulative. I would be very careful actually. I used to know a guy just like him. Have you ever asked him what exactly his ex was doing to him that he considered "abusive"? I hate to say this but his behavior is of someone extremely immature, abusive himself or has psychopathic tendencies.

I hate to be so blunt but why in the world would you beg someone to like, love or want to be with you? The way you have acted with him is exactly that. I couldn't believe some of the texts back and forth. I would find a good girlfriend in your College who will support you because sounds like you are very emotionally involved with this guy who feeds of your devotion to him. I mean who doesn't like their ego stroked? You stroke it for him as a friend and as a girl who likes this guy no matter what. You sound like you are willing to take whatever you can get! He sees this and is enjoying it. He knows he has you wrapped around his fingers. His ex on the other hand has him wrapped around her finger still. He threw it in your face so many times that he is still into her and that he is not into you. You kept going back for more.

You sound like a fun, sweet and caring person. I would find some cool friends to hang out with and whenever you get the urge to text him don't. I guarantee you he will text you over and over again and eventually show up at your door to finally watch that movie which is what you want. He should show up at your door with Chinese take out and the movie :))) not have you suggest going to eat, go see a movie etc. I can't believe how much you put up with wow! In reference to the I am hungry comment, he is aloof, heartless or a manipulative psychopath. He knows what he is doing. He is hurting I know but it is not your job to fix him, have him call the College counselor.; January 6, 2014 at 2:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous January 6, 2:42PM,
"I went to the party with my dorm friends in a group and guess what? I saw him dancing drunk with a girl - dirty dancing not just dancing. My heart was shattered to pieces."

"I even had a guy tell me he was going to a party with me only for me to find out on the night of the event (through his roomate and IM) that he had another date."

I'm glad that looking back on this dear, you have a sense of humor and are able to see your true value. It's true that while many believe women don't age well and men age much better - nothing could be further from the truth. I've seen those receding hairlines and bulging torsos actually send many a man into a deep depression and create insecurities later in life that didn't exist for them in their 20's.

No one escapes their humanity ;-)

And as you can see from the multitude of stories shared here, you're not alone in those negative experiences and looks have absolutely nothing to do with it. Women of all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, wealth, beauty, etc. fall victim to the scoundrels in life unknowingly at times. It's part of the human existence and one can expect this to happen at least a few times throughout their life if not more and when it does, it's NEVER a reflection on YOU - it's ALWAYS a reflection on the individual dishing out the poor treatment and their character as a human being (or lack thereof).

There's a great saying by Dr. Wayne Dyer I believe, that I think applies here:

"How people treat you is THEIR karma - how you REACT is YOURS."

Stay strong ladies and know that universal karma is on your side ;-); January 6, 2014 at 4:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @A Confused Southern Belle,
"He is hurting I know but it is not your job to fix him, have him call the College counselor."

I agree with that statement from another reader dear. Do NOT be so willing to take on a man as a "project" because once he's well or at least feeling better - he'll turn around and bite you.

There's a story that an ex of mine told me, a man I dated for 7 years and was engaged to - and he was referencing HIMSELF in the moral of this story here so what's that tell you LOL. He told me this:

There once was a little boy who found an injured snake in the grass. He felt for the snake so he scooped it up, took it home, put it in a box and fed it daily, providing warmth and compassion. Then one day, the snake was well again. The boy reached into the box for the snake and it bit him. He ran crying to his mother and told her what the snake had done. The mother looked down lovingly at the boy and calmly said, "What did you expect dear - it was always a snake."

Just some food for thought dear - do NOT think that because you show someone compassion, understanding, empathy, affection and kindness that THEY will love YOU in return for that. Because the reality is that most times, human nature would have it that they will take that for granted and treat you like a doormat instead :-(; January 6, 2014 at 4:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Do guys know they are treating your poorly?
My guy has ignored my text a few days ago,does he know he has ignored me?
I haven't reached out to him again I know I shouldn't, I'm just totally fed up.; January 6, 2014 at 6:58 PM
Gemini50 said...: Hi All,
Just want to say thanks to everyone for the supportive comments these past few days... I could feel your hugs (thanks).

They say admitting a problem is the first step to fixing it; in my case, identifying the problem was the first step. I know it's going to take a lot of work, I'm grateful I am now aware.

@ Heidi, I'm glad my "F*** them's" were of benefit to you. Let us know if you find out he tried to contact you after you blocked him on NYE (after the bimbo left him) that'll be cool to know.

@ Chk61, I understand how you are feeling and wish you the best.

@ Ms. Mirror, your story of the boy who found and nursed a sick snake to health and was eventually bit by the snake was good... a snake is a snake is a snake, no matter what we do, it is, and always will be, a snake. Good stuff to remember -- and pay attention to -- especially when the snake tells you, "Hey, you know I'm a snake, right?" (I am shaking my head at myself.)

Hugs!; January 6, 2014 at 7:33 PM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: @Mirror of Aphrodite,

I think his issues extend way deeper than the relationship too. I think his rebuff of me not only has to do with his overflow of emotions and still being in love with his ex, but the fact that he's so used to abuse that his view of relationships and love is warped. How could it not be when your own father abused you and the first woman you really, really loved and was going to propose to this December abused you too? It's just sad.

See, I went at it as a therapist/friend stance too, but he initiated more. I fell, as he toyed with my feelings and talked a big talk, only to retreat, and come back, and restart the cycle all over again. If it helps you any, I'm a Cancer woman and he's a Virgo man. You can see now why I'm so emotionally attached. Being a damn Cancer can be frustrating. We love with all we have and have huge hearts. He's got so much inner turmoil and it's only magnified now. Plus, he's afraid of being vulnerable, which is why I think he chases aloof women, who turn out to be players who drop him after some sex, or a better challenge comes along. Like I said, plus, I think his view of love and relationships is a little warped.

I see what you mean about only being a friend and I agree. However, how do I counteract his poor treatment? Am I allowed to use the same tactics of mirroring like I've tried to do the last few weeks, or is that romantic-interest-only tactics? I think it's fascinating that he's disappeared after I've treated him how he treats me and it's the longest he's ever went without talking to me... But, I told my mom that I knew he would. I just felt it in me. However, as more time goes on, the less I care. He really has taken my friendship for granted and toyed with my feelings, texting me about wanting to come over, talking about liking me and wanting to kiss, to blowing me off, to saying he's not ready, to coming back and saying he is ready, to saying he's not again. It's a rollercoaster of bullshit and the more I reflect and distance myself, the madder I get at myself for being so naive. But, Cancer women lead with their hearts x10 and not their heads and I also put up with his behavior more so because I know how dark of a place he is in (I was there this time last year), but I really don't think I ever treated a man that was interested in me during that dark time like he has treated me. I've never lead a man on...ever.

Anyway, MOA, I just don't know what to do if he does ever contact me again. Do I answer him within a few hours like a friend, mirror his behavior and start the whole weeks-ignoring-at-a-time thing all over again? That's why we haven't talked in three weeks. I started mirroring his behavior.

And, I kind of hate myself for feeling bad still, after all his bad treatment to me. I'm so afraid that he'll think of me as another woman that just left him...after I didn't get what I wanted, or for him to jump in a relationship with me, which is what I think he thinks I want, when in reality, all I wanted was for us to spend more time together. I just wanted him to get out of his apartment and have some fun. He would text me wanting to, then blows me off when I try to initiate it? This whole thing is so messed up.

I have one last question: if he only viewed me as a friend, then why does he resort to ignoring me when I mirror his behavior? You'd think he'd respond like nothing was wrong. And, if he didn't care about me or wasn't worried he lost me, why would he text me again after I had been ignoring him for four days? I think it's hard for me to believe that another human could not at least care a little after everything.

Thank you for your kind advice, Mirror, it means a lot to this confused and lonely college girl. :); January 7, 2014 at 12:39 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: @Anonymous,

Actually, girl, I am the one who pointed it out to him. He didn't know or realize that a woman NEVER being satisfied with anything he did, pointing out something that was wrong with him every day, degrading him, physically beating him, etc., was abuse. That's because our society doesn't teach people what relationship abuse is, especially men. Plus, he was raised by his mother to respect women...but it seems he can't respect someone like me who actually cares about him, yet pines after a woman that didn't have the decency to offer him closure and beat the daylights out of him? Do you see why I think his view of love and relationships are warped? It's like he has love and abuse confused and that's why he treats me with disregard and runs from me. And, being the loving Cancer I am, I keep trying.

I agree that my behavior was a little shameful and I am embarrassed looking back. But, he lead me to believe that it was because he was afraid, and not that he didn't like me, so I was trying so hard to get him to let me in. I didn't want him to be afraid and I know that I would never hurt him. I really care about the guy, more than I wish I did. We do stupid things when we really care about someone, and unfortunately, considering the fact that we started out as just friends, I was very confused about our situation and knew I couldn't just up and start demanding he treat me like a romantic interest, or walk. That wouldn't apply here. It's just a tough situation.

I agree that he probably does see that he's got me wrapped around his finger and is enjoying it, which is why I'm starting to stop taking pity on him for what he's going through and starting to protect myself by mirroring his behavior. There's only so much behavior you can excuse for what someone is going through before you have to draw the line. That lack of boundary in our "friendship" is what has caused this huge mess anyway. I was taking what I could get because I was trying so hard to make progress and get him to open up to me and want to hang out. I felt like he was afraid and I wasn't trying to push too hard, which is why I would take what he would give me. I knew he had issues and I was trying to be understanding, which got me run over.

Yeah, girl. After everything I've done for this guy and the times I've been there - I lost 10 lbs the week after I talked him out of suicide from the anxiety of being worried and he has no idea - I deserve NOTHING but the utmost RESPECT from him. This includes Chinese takeout and showing up with a movie, without me saying anything.

Do I think I'll ever get that, or him realizing the good woman he took for granted, his apology, him wanting to take me out, or another text?

No, I don't. I can't explain it, but I always get taken for granted. I feel it in me that he won't appreciate it, even if I disappear. He'll say that I didn't contact him and he'll just write me off as another that "left him" and everything will become a bunch of wasted time and emotion.

Exactly, I can't fix him. He's gotten to where he won't listen to me and he used to. He needs a professional.

Thanks for your comments, sweet girl. You seem like a sweet soul yourself. :); January 7, 2014 at 12:58 AM
A Confused Southern Belle said...: @MOA,

I can see that. I really can. I think that story in inevitably true. Especially someone who has the horrific past he has, he was bound to take me for granted. Maybe he will never be able to be in a real relationship with a loving woman until he sorts out his issues and realizes that he runs from real intimacy and treats good women like crap, while running after the ones who are playing games with him and couldn't care less.

Honestly, I'm getting to the point where I'm getting stronger every day, though I may still question why he did this, or why he said that. I'm just a very analytical person and emotional. I can't stand not knowing if I was just played, or if it really was his issues that caused him to not see how he's treating me.

But, as time goes on, I know that it doesn't matter. I must move on and forget, though my heart doesn't want to. I guess it's a lesson learned about who I open up to and a lesson that I seem to have not grasped yet, even after being hurt repeatedly. :(

Whether he comes around or not, he won't be ready to give me what I deserve, which is pretty much what he said himself. I think he knows that.; January 7, 2014 at 1:04 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous Jan 4, 8:52 AM,

Thanks very much for your response re: my first date. It's been well over a week now but I will do what you say and not panic and I feel quite philosophical about it all and that if it's meant to be he will contact me when he's ready and go on another date maybe. Even though I've not heard from him I do feel there was a bit of an emotional connection so I will leave that seed to possibly grow and sprout for now and like you said if he wants me then he knows where to find me!! :)

thanks again; January 7, 2014 at 7:50 AM
HEIDI said...: Good morning all!

@ Gemini 50... I'll let everyone know if I hear that he discovered I blocked and deleted. Even if he does, I feel he won't mention it to any of our mutual friends or his children ( who still keep in touch) . Pride, etc. He stopped making an effort with me last July & he's probably onto a new conquest. Adios , Aries ;)

I have to say, I wish I'd blocked his and a few other cell numbers ( all toxic "friends") sooner & stopped being so darn nice. I swear I feel lighter :)

I signed up to run a handful of races this spring, so I am focusing all of my energy ( what is left after work and being mommy) on getting physically stronger.

Also have a couple of vacations planned for me and my two sons. The three of us made a huge list on NYE of all the things that make for the perfect vacation. Sunshine and exercise room for me, warm swimming pools with water slides and an " ice cream buffet" for the boys.... That is how we will be spending Valentines Day weekend.

Off to earn my travel dollars.

Cheers!; January 7, 2014 at 11:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Men Silently Trolling the Comments Here,
(Yea, you know who are, LOL ;-)

EXCELLENT READ fellas (written by a man):

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeffrey-platts/first-date-advice_b_4554666.html

"A long while back, I rebelled against dates. I resisted the idea of blowing $100 on someone I barely knew. Then I resisted my pattern of getting too physical, too quickly. We'd both be stuck in the dopamine and oxytocin roller coaster and we'd have no idea whether we actually liked or loved each other. We did know that we wanted to screw each other, though. And that's a great thing."

"So then I shoved the pendulum in the other direction. I wanted to get to know women as friends, first. I want to know if I actually love hanging out with you. Because no matter how much great sex we have, we still have to be in each other's company in non-naked situations."

"So with this particular woman, I just said: "I want to take you on a date. What does your week look like?"

NO ambiguity.
NO hesitation.
NO "so you wouldn't wanna, kinda, sorta go out sometime, would you?"
NO "hanging out," "grabbing coffee," "grabbing a bite."

And there are several benefits of being bold and direct.

FOR HER

She knows what you're wanting.
She knows what's she's going into.
She gets to respond to your honesty.
It's clear who is inviting who and who should pay (you).
She will actually feel your desire for her. Which feels a lot different than covertly desiring something from her.
She can relax."

READ THE ARTICLE TO SEE THE BENEFITS HE'S LISTED FOR HIMSELF BY DOING THAT.

"I spoke with several female friends about what I did and they all said something like, "Whoa, that's bold. I love it. Wish more guys did that." And to be honest, it was a new way for me. And it felt fucking great. I was energized. I was open to whatever answer she was going to give me."; January 7, 2014 at 12:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Heidi and The Ladies,
"I have to say, I wish I'd blocked his and a few other cell numbers ( all toxic "friends") sooner & stopped being so darn nice. I swear I feel lighter :)"

Isn't it amazing how freeing yourself from the pressures of forcing yourself to be "nice" (and disguising your true self that wants to disagree, not comply, etc.) can be so liberating ;-)

Here's another option to consider (I've used it before and it's a beauty, LOL) that I've seen online. Instead of blocking them, change their name in your phone to "Piece of Shit." Change all of them to POS so that you have a bunch in there and really don't know which one is contacting you and therefore, you won't feel bad for one or more of them when you respond with what's about to come next. Then once one of them contacts you, it'll come up on your phone, "Piece of Shit" and here's what you get to do next:

POS: "Hey"

YOU: "Sorry, but there are so many guys in my phone marked "Piece of Shit." So which one of my mistakes are you?

Crickets. . . . .

Hehe ;-); January 7, 2014 at 12:23 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everyone,

I wish men followed in the above mentioned guy´s footsteps and brought some dignity into the world of dating. Theoretically, dating should be one of the most beautiful areas of male-female interactions, shouldn´t it? However, in reality it is what it is nowadays.

My latest news: The player sent me a Christmas text to which I didn´t reply although I must admit I was touched because he was the only one who remembered me. I week later he sent me a NY´s rhyme and after some hesitation I sent him back a different rhyme, nothing personal. He replied immediately that he liked my rhyme and asking me iout for that evening. Unbelievable how entitled these men are. Why should I want to spend the evening with him after not being in touch with him for several weeks or even months? I didn´t answer and he hasn´t sent anything since. Fortunately, I am over him now. I am one of the luckier ladies here, but we weren´t intimate, so I had it easier. Thanks again, Mirror, for helping me with this one.

Mirror, I have a question for you. Recently, I´ve exchanged a few e-mails with a new guy. He is my age, single. His very first e-mail was rather long and there were some things I don´t know what to think about:
- he wrote he is very sad, feeling lonely, very much wants love ;
- he used to do yoga with his ex but isn´t interested in it as much now because he prefers doing the exercises with someone to feel physical touch;
- he invited me out almost immediately without knowing almost anything about me.
Otherwise he provided "right" information and sounds friendly, not scary like some others. What do you think? Is he looking for a rebound? I don´t know if he´s worth a try.

Thank you for your time and advice. (-:
Best wishes to everyone,
Hopeful; January 7, 2014 at 2:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
Well, I always find this a bit concerning online:

"he invited me out almost immediately without knowing almost anything about me"

When a guy asks you out before say, asking you your name LOL, it's concerning. Because then it's almost like a "one size fits all" "anyone will do" situation as long as it's a warm body. And generally, when they move that quick for the date, they'll move that quick for the bedroom as well.

However, if you'd like to give him a try, feel free to do so if he's been respectful in other ways. Just be aware of the fact that he's kinda moving fast and be prepared to back him down a bit to a reasonable speed if necessary :-); January 8, 2014 at 9:15 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 6, 6:59 PM,
"Do guys know they are treating your poorly?"

Absolutely, of course they do dear. They're human, too, and as humans, we learn the difference between right and wrong at a very young age. Men who pretend not to realize this is poor treatment are attempting to fool you. Deep down, each one of them knows what they've done and what they're doing.; January 8, 2014 at 9:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @A Confused Southern Belle,
"However, how do I counteract his poor treatment? Am I allowed to use the same tactics of mirroring like I've tried to do the last few weeks, or is that romantic-interest-only tactics?"

You can use mirroring, it's a tactic that keeps any relationship (work, friends, romantic, etc.) fair and balanced so that one side doesn't get used and give to much and be taken advantage of.

"if he only viewed me as a friend, then why does he resort to ignoring me when I mirror his behavior?"

Because I do believe he's a bit manipulative and I do believe he's got lot's of emotional "stuff" (issues) going on personally. And when someone is that messed up, they're not going to be good company unfortunately dear and they're not going to treat you well because they don't know whether they're coming or going. Which is why you need to not try to "fix" him or "save" him. Instead, you need to walk away from him, let him deal with his problems on his own or with a professional that can teach him the proper coping skills to handle the ups and downs that life throws at us.

Instead, find a good well-balanced man to spend time with. One that is emotionally healthy, mentally stable and ready for a relationship or at least ready to give the idea of it a shot. Surround yourself with only positive individuals and leave the negative ones to themselves dear. Again, you cannot fix them and you can't help people that don't want your help. Embrace your happiness and keep moving forward :-); January 8, 2014 at 9:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
I love reading you blog and I wonder if you would be to give some advice
How do you handle a guy that you know goes out with his buddies every weekend but doesn't want to spend them with me?
It's long distance at the beginning it was good he came to my state and then I went up to his and then he went to mine and it was all good.
But now I know in my gut if he has to spend his weekends with me he would have to give up going out with his mates and this what seems to be happening.
I've not seen him in a while and he texts me a lot telling me what he got up to at the weekend with his mates and where he goes out and obviously he likes to socialise.
But how can I turn this around?
He texted me constantly over xmas and suggested we had to sort out another weekend together and I agreed
So xmas came and went and on Sunday I just texted how are you and he hasn't replied back.
I was wondering should I text him again asking if he still wants to meet up?
Or do you think the situation will ever change?
And I don't want to come across that he can't have a social life because I know guys like there freedom.
I'm just fed up and stuck with what to do?; January 8, 2014 at 2:55 PM
Heidi said...: Gemini 50:

He emailed at 11 pm last night from the work address I deleted , but apparently did not block.

Aries : Are you sending me this ? (Some Game invitation) Because I don't play games online. Will you stop sending them to me?

I responded at lunch
I sent nothing. Spam.

Him " unblock me so I can call?"

I unblocked . No call.

Had to share :); January 8, 2014 at 3:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 8, 2:55 PM,
"How do you handle a guy that you know goes out with his buddies every weekend but doesn't want to spend them with me?"

Well, you don't "handle" them dear. Meaning, if a man is at that stage in his life where he's not ready to settle down into a real relationship - you accept that - you either accept that is all he can offer you, or you decide you want more than he can offer right now and you leave him to free yourself for another man that IS ready to settle down.

Nothing you say or do will change him dear. Nothing you say or do will make him want to spend more time with you and/or settle down into a relationship. If he's not ready, he's not ready. If he doesn't want a relationship, then nothing is going to change that. So you're only option is to accept things as they are or leave to find what it is that you want.

"But how can I turn this around?"

You really can't dear. You can't change someone and/or make them want a relationship or the same things you want. Instead, you have to find someone that wants what you want and that is READY for it :-( Either that, or you accept what little he can give right now if you think that you'd be happy with that.

"I was wondering should I text him again asking if he still wants to meet up?"

No. Chasing him and/or pursuing him will only most likely cause him to distance himself. If you feel you need to remind him that you exist dear, then that should tell you something - he's not able to make you happy and he doesn't want what you want. In which case, you have to accept the reality of the situation and then proceed accordingly, placing your happiness first and then making the decision you need to make that will make you happy.

As much as I hate to say it, it doesn't pay to believe that someday he'll change and want what you want. You'd only waste months and/or years of your life living under that belief. Instead, you're going to have to look at your realistic options here which unfortunately are:

1) Accept that this is the best he can do for you right now.
2) Accept that he cannot make you happy right now and he isn't ready to settle down - and then make the decision to seek out your happiness for yourself by removing yourself from the relationship so that you can find a man that wants what you want and is READY for it as well.; January 8, 2014 at 4:08 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Heidi, Unbelievable. If you were successful blocking his other numbers, he probably did try to reach you, and you beat him to his game. Wow! Good luck with this one. Don't give up your power. You deserve a man who respects you and has no need to play little boy games because he is a real man. Don't settle for less dear.

@Ms. Mirror, I think I am on to something. ;-) A book called, "The Psychology of Shame." I found it by doing an internet search for "feeling empty inside." And the "feeling empty inside" came from thinking about your comments, "Your value as a woman dear comes from you, from inside yourself..." in reference to your thought that my "fixing" was to please others.

I have always been the "fixer," not for others to value me, but I had to in order to protect myself as a child (which I ultimately didn't do a very good job of (but I was a child)) and to get things done as an adult. And I have never truly valued myself. I've never felt whole. I didn't identify it as emptiness, as in needing to be filled, until the other day. And I'm beginning to see how, when I've become emotionally involved with a man, he filled the emptiness in me and made me feel whole.

I am feeling a bit better every day. I'm turning to my spiritual support constantly for strength, and this morning while driving to work thinking of Scorpio and Virgo, the thought came to me, "Each of them is only a man. One man. One. Man." And all of a sudden, their mightiness shrunk to nothing. (Of course, it was my perception of their mightiness, but just as possession is 9/10's of the law, perception is 100% of our reality.)

I think this Shame book is going to answer some good questions and put some pieces in place for me. Another path.

Thank you for what you do Ms. Mirror.

Hugs to all!; January 8, 2014 at 7:03 PM
KK said...: The Taurus I was supposed to meet today - yeah, that didn't happen.
I invited him to call me Monday and gave a time that was appropriate for both of us, but the phone never rang. He didn't text, and it seems he 'poofed' for those two days; Monday and Tuesday. Yet he was 'online' on the dating site whenever I logged on to check my mail. That phone call to me was a prerequisite for our Wednesday 'date'. He just didn't know it at the time and he was doing really good too:
1) He did ask way in advance and come Sunday I had confirmed everything, date and time - 3 days in advance. I told him he could call the next day at a certain time/hour to talk and to set up a place to meet, he responded with: "I can call tomorrow at said time and I'm looking forward to Wed". My thoughts after reading the text from him were: "Hmm, you can, but will you?"
2) He seemed very gentlemanly and was willing to make me feel comfortable by letting me have final say on everything, being courteous, letting me pick the day, when I was available, etc.
3) He was in regular contact and as I stated before, he was just scoring A+'s with me.

He texted me this afternoon and asked how I was doing, then an hour later followed with: "Didn't hear from you on/about today, did you still want to... (meet)?"
Hilarious! The guy said he'd call, and then didn't. That's a pretty clear sign I'm not meeting you! I made time for the phone call and the date today and he failed on both counts, all because he couldn't man up and pick up the phone and be a man of his word. Not even an apology for not calling, not even a text to say "Hey sorry I haven't called yet, I'm a little busy right now or I caught up in something, can I call in the next couple hours, or tomorrow?" - something is better than nothing.
So I've been quiet for the past few hours since he texted and I'm wondering if that should continue for a couple days, like he did to me, or come right out and tell him something along the lines of:
"Actually, I didn't hear from you Monday evening as we planned, so I made other plans. I set aside time to speak with you and meet you today, and I expect a man to keep his word when he says he's going to do something. Sorry it didn't pan out - (maybe some other time?)"
Do I even give him a chance, and just issue a 'strike'?; January 8, 2014 at 7:25 PM
JD said...: Hi all! Seems like it has been busy here! :-) I'll have to catch up on the the posts but wanted to check in with you all. Met up with DM on my vacation. I'm still on vacation and have 4 more days here. Anyhow DM and I met up after he expressed a willingness to talk. But it didn't get deep and yes I made sure I looked hot. LOL I will say he did initiate and open up a few times on his own bc I left him alone. The other day he texted me commenting about the cold weather in the south. So I replied but in very short statements. He then texted that "well we will work on that" in reference to meeting up again. My purpose? I think seeing him in person but now in a different light showed me that I have been painting a different picture of who he really is. When I read those words or hear him talk now it doesn't seem to make me anxious or have these expectations bc I'm observing his actions. He said "we will work on that" when it came to the next time seeing one another, well it's going on 4 days I haven't heard from him. Sooooooo....it's not killing me anymore bc of what I've learned. But one thing is for sure, I don't care about his work schedule or that his kids are with him a few days out of the week, I figure men go hard for what they want and I'm not chasing him. I didn't even respond to that last text bc I'm paying more attention to what he does. Believe me, if he doesn't follow through, I'm totally done and that's all the "closure" I need. Just remember ladies, YOU are the prize. But what does "well we will work on that" mean? Cause so far there is no action, Jackson! The last time I was here I did most of the pursuing and I contacted him every other day or every 2 days. Learned my lesson and it's not killing me to use silence again.; January 8, 2014 at 11:43 PM
HEIDI said...: Regarding the Aries...

He emailed again at 5 asking if I could please unblock him as he'd like to call and talk.

I told him I'd answer if he called, but to call before 8.

He texted then called and we talked about kids, weather, work ( all mundane) for a moment and I decided to cut to the chase & ask:

"What do you want to talk about?"

Aries: " Well, first, why didnt you call me back before Christmas? "
Me: " I was busy. How was your New Years?" :)

Aries " Crappy. I wondered if you were out"
Me " My best New Years yet"

Me " so , what's up, Aries? Are you seeing anyone?"
Aries " no. the chick I'd been seeing was super sweet but she has huge issues so we arent talking. "

me " ah. so you are bored. well, what is it you want with me?"
Aries " To have this talk in person? "

Me " are you planning on driving here ?" ( I'm roughly 4 hours away)
Aries "yeah. tomorrow?"
Me " cant do tomorrow or Friday evening and MLK weekend is packed"
Aries " um, I am supposed to (volunteer /xyz / kid highschool charity event) Saturday. Friday I will be working until 8.
me : well, see what you can work out, but I am not driving anywhere.

Aries : Let me check on things tomorrow and can I touch base again so we can get something planned?

Me : Ok. see you soon ( not sure why I used that instead of talk to you later)
Aries : ok, bye"

Sooooooo.

I am asking myself if I really want to do this.... see him again.

sigh.... Feeling tired and not so light anymore.

Advice and suggestions are appreciated. :) Worried I will start to think about him and the potential again. Mirror & Ladies, worst case scenario here?
THANK YOU!; January 9, 2014 at 6:36 AM
JD said...: dear MOA, question about a man and his work schedule and other things going on in his life. DM works two jobs, one during the day it seems 4-5x a week until after lunch or the early morning. The other job usually Wed/Thurs through Sunday from late afternoon until 10:30pm or so. He has his kids who are teenagers 3-4x a week and I believe they are with him when he is off or until he has to work at his evening job if he's not at his morning job the same day. Then he helps his grandparents out. They live on their own and his Grandpa has been having health probs lately.

This is what he said regarding his schedule and us meeting. Sent prior to meeting: "MOA, question about a man and his work schedule or other things going on in his life. DM works two jobs. I believe the first one is 4-5x a week in the morning until early afternoon or shortly after lunch and the other usually Wed/Thurs through Sunday late afternoon until 10:30pm or so (at a news station). Then he has his kids (who are teens) 2-3x a week. His son just started a job and I think he picks him up when he can bc he doesn't have his own car. He says he also helps out with his Grandparents and especially his Grandpa who has had health problems lately.

Prior to meeting this is what he said: "Been working like crazy and my crew and my grandpa on top of that. Yes I want to see you. But my time is limited."

After meeting again he then said "well we will work on that" regarding seeing each other again.

No mention of him unfriending me. Does that mean he needs space? Can you tell that he is REALLY busy but I've always heard a man can never be too busy for what he really wants. Haven't heard from him in almost 4 days and I'm leaving Monday night. I used to really anxious about not hearing from him but I'm better about it now.

They do come around when you leave them alone and believe me ladies they do know they've treated you wrong..though use discernment in this bc they can be clueless, too.

I'm confident to say that if he wants to se me, he knows where to find me as proven when he did initiate contact and a meeting the first time. I've decided I'm pretty much DONE if he doesn't make an effort to see me again or if we do and it's not going anywhere.

I'm hearing this time and time again, remember ladies, YOU are the prize. Don't chase him!; January 9, 2014 at 8:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
"So I've been quiet for the past few hours since he texted and I'm wondering if that should continue for a couple days, like he did to me, or come right out and tell him something along the lines of:

"Actually, I didn't hear from you Monday evening as we planned, so I made other plans. I set aside time to speak with you and meet you today, and I expect a man to keep his word when he says he's going to do something. Sorry it didn't pan out - (maybe some other time?)"

LESS is MORE dear. You don't need to speak anything that follows this portion:

"Actually, I didn't hear from you Monday evening as we planned, so I made other plans."

That's more than enough and that also places the ball back into HIS court. At that point, he can either suggest another date and time and/or apologize for not calling, explain why he didn't and clear this up. Or, he can simply not respond and disappear. But if he does that, it's better he shows you his character as a man sooner rather than later anyway.

I wouldn't say anything other than that because you don't want to appear emotional (angry, frustrated) to him. Instead, you want to give the impression that, "Hey, it's cool if you don't want to spend time with me because I have plenty of other people in my life who do."

You're not excusing him for what he's done - you're signaling to him that if he wants to spend time with you, he's got to plan it in advance accordingly and be respectful of you and your time, as you would be of his, or he simply doesn't get to spend that time with you. Your setting boundaries and signaling to him what those are in a polite, non-emotional manner ;-); January 9, 2014 at 10:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Let us know what you think of the book when you're finished dear - if it's recommended reading or not :-); January 9, 2014 at 10:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"The other day he texted me commenting about the cold weather in the south. So I replied but in very short statements. He then texted that "well we will work on that" in reference to meeting up again."

"But what does "well we will work on that" mean?"

He was "fishing" and that was "bait" dear - he was testing how open you were to jumping into bed with him to "heat things up" and he was going to use your response to that comment as the measure of your willingness.

Which is why I always remind women that YOUR RESPONSE is EVERYTHING. Do not give these men the benefit of doubt that "they just don't know what they're doing" or "they don't realize what they're doing" - they most DEFINITELY know what they're doing when they say certain things and drop little innuendos all over the place - and your response is everything to them with regards to that as it is your response that provides their answer.

So when a man sexts you and you engage in that behavior, your responses to those sexts signal that "you're down" for that behavior. When a man treats you poorly and you respond emotionally, your response signals to them that you care and actually provides THEM reassurance. And on the same token, when a man treats you poorly and you respond non-emotionally or don't respond at all, your response and/or lack thereof signals to them that you're confident and not insecure about yourself and/or you don't tolerate that type of treatment.

Your responses are everything gals - so choose them wisely ;-); January 9, 2014 at 10:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Heidi,
Worst case scenario:

1) He never follows through.
2) He follows through but it never really amounts to a talk to clear the air as much as it's geared towards tossing a bunch of flowery words your way to get down your pants.
3) He follows through but becomes angry and nasty.
4) He follows through, works his way back in, and then disappears.

So run through those scenarios in your head and prepare yourself and your reaction to each one and make sure you can handle each emotionally should any of them occur. My suggestion would be to remain calm, non-emotional and well balanced regardless of what happens. In each of those scenarios, a man would EXPECT a woman to react poorly. So what you want to do is the exact OPPOSITE (to give him something to think on) - and instead, barely react at all. Remain mature, calm and poised - which will then probably make him feel childish and immature eventually in time ;-); January 9, 2014 at 10:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"No mention of him unfriending me. Does that mean he needs space?"

I honestly think that if what he's saying about his schedule is true - he shouldn't be dating. Or at the very least, he should be very clear that he's only able to date casually and occasionally and not able to provide the time investment necessary for a relationship.

If he's expecting a woman to enter into a relationship with him and the tiny ounce of time he can set aside to see her - then he's basically asking a woman to sit and wait on him, which isn't fair and isn't gentlemanly or realistic.

This guy's able to date casually at best if what he's saying about his time is true. And if that's the case, he needs to NOT get emotional and respond by unfriending women that won't sit and wait around for him. Because it's not the woman that's the main issue here - it's his lack of time that's able to be invested into a relationship if what he's claiming is true. And if he fails to realize that, he's going to end up frustrated time and time again when dating because naturally, women are going to want more investment from him once they start investing emotionally and sexually IN him - unless he makes it VERY clear up-front that he simply doesn't have the time to invest into a relationship.; January 9, 2014 at 10:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
A very interesting read gals (French Women Don't Date):

http://www.francetoday.com/articles/2009/12/04/french-women-don-t-date.html

"l. Men pursue women actively: Vanessa McClure, a striking American redhead studying in France, observes: "A French guy gets your number and calls right away; it's not the three-day rule practiced by guys in the States who play hard to get and want to make the girls anxious."

2. If you act the way French women do, you won't get hassled: According to Nidal Kersh, a Swedish student in Paris, "French girls never get harrassed the way foreign women do, because they know the rules. They don't even pretend to be nice; they just cut you off if they don't like you. Parisian girls don't look anyone in the eye unless they want to initiate contact." Which leads us to the rule's corollary:

3. If you act American, you WILL get hassled, says 34-year-old Allison Lightwine, an American who was a single woman in Paris: "If an American woman acts like she does in the US, it's seen as extremely aggressive sexual behavior."

One naïve young American student who wished to remain anonymous said that her friendly, open conduct led to a situation in which she had to literally push an overeager French fellow out of her apartment. "He was really surprised and angry," she says. "He told me he thought American girls were faster, like the ones he'd seen on MTV!" (She learned her lesson, adopted Parisian habits, and is now with a charming French man who, she says, is nothing like that wannabe paramour from her past.)"

The article contains more ;-); January 9, 2014 at 11:36 AM
JD said...: Ooooh I see about the weather comment because I responded with short statements and nothing in regards to sexting lol.

Do you think it would be wise to reach out and ask "Just curious, are we going to be able to see each other again before I leave?"

So the reason why he wouldn't express that he doesn't have time to invest for a relationship is either he doesn't want one or with me or bc I never brought it up or bc he's "afraid" of my reaction and thus a future sexual encounter is what he would be losing.

I already told him 2 times when I was leaving. lol I agree about the FB unfriending. So we can conclude with that he did get emotional? Do you gather he thinks I'm going to wait on him? Whether its his schedule or for more?

Wouldn't it seem like I'm chasing him though if I ask when are we going to see each other when he said "well we will work on that" cause I'm like well ok let me sit back and watch your actions to see if we will work on that.; January 9, 2014 at 11:50 AM
Heidi said...: Endless thank you's.

I can do calm and emotionless.

I am expecting a text today that describes how busy he is etc and how he'd like to see me but maybe not the best idea or whatever and he will disappear sooner than later.

I hope I didnt give him an easy green light by answering the phone last night.

I don't think it/ dinner/ any talk will happen and I am not going to text/email/call to follow up.

If he does follow through, I'll pick the time and location. There will be no gettin' in these pants for a long time. :) Who knows where all he has been (ick).

Thanks again!!!!!; January 9, 2014 at 12:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
A DM hurt me repeatedly. Then apologized and we began a sustained relationship. He disappeared again, only this time I came to find out it was because he had entered into another relationship. I confronted him. Now he is contacting me asking to speak to me about his awful behavior. He is still with her. Do I agree to this conversation? Thank you.; January 9, 2014 at 1:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"Just curious, are we going to be able to see each other again before I leave?"

No dear, don't do that as it will be interpreted by him as pursuit. Additionally, it gives him the upper hand and the opportunity to reject you, ignore you, etc. so don't hand that to him. Instead, give him the impression that you're not waiting around for this meeting and you're out having such a great time, you hardly even noticed he fell off your radar (by not contacting him) ;-); January 9, 2014 at 3:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 9, 1:39 PM,
"A DM hurt me repeatedly. . .this time I came to find out it was because he had entered into another relationship. . .He is still with her. Do I agree to this conversation?"

In this case dear, absolutely NOT. Whether he's apologizing and wants to talk or not, the bottom line here is that betrayal is betrayal. I don't believe you can ever come back from that whole because it cracks the foundation of the relationship (trust) and no house stands forever on a cracked foundation.

It's done, he's ruined it - now let him live with the consequences of his actions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Do NOT reward this man for his poor treatment of you by giving him ANY of your time and attention. Let your SILENCE eat at him and his conscious as it's the only way he will learn that this is NOT the way to treat others. . .because you have to LIVE with YOURSELF afterwards.

Additionally, speaking with him will only give him the opportunity to lie to you and string you along. Do NOT walk into that because it will seriously test your emotional strength and you may find him hurting you all over again.

Accept that this man is not relationship material dear (he is till with HER and attempting to speak to YOU) and move on as best you can dear. The sun will shine again, you'll see :-); January 9, 2014 at 3:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
I've got this guy that is confusing me, on Sunday I set him a text asking how he was and did not answer but Wednesday night he sent me a joke that he must have got from his mates and probably forward it to me. So I presumed everything was ok between us,but today I stupidly text him has he had a good day and I have a feeling he is gonna ignore me again.
Do you get what he is doing?
I'm confused?; January 9, 2014 at 5:17 PM
KK said...: Thanks Mirror.
He didn't run or disappear after I sent my text, he actually seemed kind of on edge - in a good way; in the sense he didn't wanna 'miss out' and lose me. He did apologize and then maybe sensed some danger and asked if it was ok to still talk to me. LOL - like he knew he disappointed me or let me down somewhat and actually said to me: "I'll take a risk.. I have some making up to do". Then said after that: "I have a good feeling about you, and those good feelings are never wrong" - Talking about his gut feelings here? (And we all know by now that is true anyway)
It also could've sent the message that he sees value/worth in me and is willing to continue or try to pursue me, and that makes me feel good. Others would've been lazy and given up after one small attempt.
He didn't rush or quickly try to plan another date (which is ok), because I think if he did, it would come off like sucking up to me and it would also signal that he's too eager. Instead, I find he's very patient and will bide his time and let things 'simmer'. I also noticed he will ask leading questions, he will ask how my week is looking (checking for an opening?) and thankfully he doesn't seem last minute at all, he is respectful of my time - mind you the little slip up yesterday.
I don't know why, could be my gut speaking here, but I almost feel like that was a test for me yesterday too... to see if maybe I would still jump and meet this 'stranger' without any effort, be desperate or needy and throw my standards out the window. And when I didn't do that and pulled back a bit - it only made him more interested it seems.
Slow and steady wins the race right? :); January 9, 2014 at 6:43 PM
Anonymous said...: This is January 9, 1:39pm. Thank you so much. I was torn, not wanting to be "small", unforgiving. Thank you for reminding me that enough is enough.; January 9, 2014 at 9:34 PM
magooch09 said...: HI Mirror
I recently met someone 20 years my senior (i'm early 20s), and we really hit it off. he's an extremely busy man, but very successful in the entertainment industry (we're talking millions) we live on opposite sides of the country (i met him on tour in my city). He was sweet, so warm, so caring to me. We did not become intimate (aside from kissing) &after our goodbyes, i didn't think anything would come of it, only to hear from him 3 days later that he couldn't stop thinking of me- from there we've been constantly talking, he's opened up to me about his kids, his life his divorce, etc. making himself totally vulnerable, asking me not to "run" upon hearing of his past baggage and his age. I did not. Throughout, hes been extremely affectionate and attentive, constantly showering me with compliments and flattery, and speaks of the future wanting to fly me around the world, or fly to me where i am, he loves everything about me, i'm his dream girl, it was fate that we met, and explicitly said that he wants to date me(I'm a model, I always try to be on guard for these type of men who are looking for "one thing" or some arm candy) He recently offered to fly me in to an awards show, and after avoiding his advances for a bit (he was sending me cute romantic messages, as he usually does everyday), i finally responded in regards to the trip and declined explaining it was too sudden and my parents (whom i still live with) were not comfortable. He said he understood and would message me later as he had a busy day of meetings- and I haven't heard from him since (this was yesterday). He also mentioned prior that he was too busy to fly out to where i am right now but he was trying to work on sneaking in a visit. Now i'm confused... did he just want me for that one weekend? was he genuine in anything he said earlier? is he done with me now? did my parents involvement turn him off? i've been sweet, and interested in HIM (not his money or job) but meanwhile have stayed detached. I've played this well and maturely (I'm an old soul), which confuses me all the more- what could I have done wrong?; January 9, 2014 at 10:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 9,5:17 PM,
You're pursuing him dear (initiating contact) and I believe it's causing him to distance himself. If you want to know if a man is genuinely interested, then the way to do that is to let HIM come to YOU, let him contact you. It's the only way a woman can truly know:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; January 10, 2014 at 9:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @magooch09,
"what could I have done wrong?"

Not a thing dear - you avoided being used by a player is all, and for that, you should be very thankful. When a man's word do NOT align with his ACTIONS, it's a big red flag. Additionally, all that flowery TALK way too early is also a red flag and generally signals a man telling a woman everything he thinks she wants to hear so that he can fast-track her into the bedroom once or twice and then disappear :-(

I'm sorry you had to go through this dear, but it is a valuable lesson for you about men and it's one that will come in handy for you in the future if you're a model and exposed to all types in the industry (who will want something from you).

Do NOT beat yourself up for this, you did very well by refusing that offer. Because let's face it, at this point this man's still a virtual stranger not to mention 20 years your senior and therefore, a bit more "seasoned" when it comes to women and dating (i.e. slicker, LOL). And I believe your parents also sensed this as well dear. So refusing that offer actually saved you some heartache and you should be thankful for that, not regretful.

This is WAY too much flowery talk, WAY too early dear and when that happens, you can't take it seriously as men spend a lot of mental time in "fantasy" land and sometimes, they fantasize out loud:

"constantly showering me with compliments and flattery, and speaks of the future wanting to fly me around the world, or fly to me where i am, he loves everything about me, i'm his dream girl, it was fate that we met, and explicitly said that he wants to date me"

Additionally, his words are NOT lining up with his ACTIONS:

"or fly to me where i am. . .He said he understood and would message me later as he had a busy day of meetings - and I haven't heard from him since"

He may or may not reappear and when/if he does, I'd keep my guard up. Do not give in to the flowery talk, don't focus on that - focus ONLY on this man's ACTIONS, because we all know that actions speak louder than words. If he reappears, develop a friendship with this man FIRST. During that process, OBSERVE his actions and observe his behavior and see if he's a man of his word, see if he follows through - or if it's all only broken promises.

If you give yourself plenty of time to get to know him on a friendship level first and observe his actions PRIOR to getting romantically involved with this man. . .you will be able to learn a lot about him and you will be better informed to make decisions about him. But just know that any man that's throwing out a lot of flowery talk at a very early stage, is unfortunately most times, a player - a smooth talker. And when a man makes verbal promises that he doesn't follow through with, it's a big red flag dear. It doesn't have anything to do with you, it's a reflection of the man's personality and character.

And in this case, if he never reappears, realize that you did nothing wrong - other than to be smarter than him and not fall for his game. The simple fact about players dear - is that they don't try very hard. They are not willing to invest the time and do the work required to get a relationship off the ground because deep down inside, they're not looking for one. They like being single and to casually date instead and they like things EASY for themselves. So when a player realizes things aren't going to be easy for him and a woman isn't going to jump into bed with him and she has people around her that are also looking to protect her from being used by others as well - a player won't stick around to do the work necessary to follow through. Instead, they'll move on. . .to their next victim.

And thankfully dear - that WASN'T you ;-); January 10, 2014 at 9:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
More scientific proof that your "gut" is very rarely, if ever wrong ladies:

"Women usually know when they’re falling for a jerk. In fact, there was a study published in the journal Biology Letters recently showing how most women can spot a cheater just by looking at his picture without knowing anything else about him. Sixty-two percent of women picked out the guys who’d told researchers separately about their less-than-faithful romantic history."

"Men may even be worse off. Just look at all the responses that a fake dating profile got recently from more than 150 men who seemed to be undeterred by the prospect of hooking up with a woman who, while gorgeous, admitted to having an STD, lying to men about pregnancies for cash, lying a lot in general and being a racist. And then there were the men in that Biology Letters study on infidelity. They utterly failed when it came to picking out the women who were cheaters just by looking at their photos. Most of them assumed wrongly that the more attractive women were likely to be unfaithful. The researchers noted that there are all kinds of biological theories about why women have evolved to be better able to spot cheaters than men. Alas, there aren’t so many explanations for why they ignore their instincts."

Smart Women Who Fall For Jerks:
http://ideas.time.com/2014/01/09/in-defense-of-smart-women-who-fall-for-jerks/#ixzz2q0b8j1O4; January 10, 2014 at 10:10 AM
Anonymous said...: I love this blog - great advise listed here! I have a question though. My guy doesn't disappear but he sort of blows hot and cold. He never ignores me or acts cold towards me, but he goes through these phases where he is heavily pursuing me. He is always in constant contact, almost daily (he always initiates) but sometimes the contact is very romantic, but then he changes and says we are friends. That is the cold part I think. He still stays in contact but his contact is less romantic. (I don't ask about his feelings...he just offers the friendship statement and usually after making some grand romantic gesture). The last time he did this, I backed off...since it's conflicting, confusing and feels like playing games. I still respond to some of his texts/calls but not as many and very short answers. But now he is texting and calling like crazy. I think I got about 5 texts, an email and a phone call just in one morning. He is noticing I'm backing off and wants to know why. He is asking me if anything is wrong, to please talk to him, etc. My question: Do I tell him what is bothering me or continue backing off and say nothing? Since men don't respond to words? I guess I am confused because he really seems to want to know why I'm less responsive. I know it's best to probably walk away from this, but not sure if I should say anything to him or not? I should add that this is an ex boyfriend from a long time ago and we reconnected a year ago, but we live far in different states and have not seen each other. His reason for initial contact was wanting friendship, but his romantic gestures really throw me off. He says he wants to be friends but he acts differently.; January 10, 2014 at 12:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 10, 12:21 PM,
"He is noticing I'm backing off and wants to know why. He is asking me if anything is wrong, to please talk to him, etc. My question: Do I tell him what is bothering me or continue backing off and say nothing? Since men don't respond to words?"

Well, since he's initiated the "talk" here, you can brave stepping forward and verbalizing your concerns in a mature, non-emotional and kind manner. However, realize that there's risk involved here in that he may get defensive, make accusations and/or distance himself afterwards based on his unstable and inconsistent behavior already.

"I should add that this is an ex boyfriend from a long time ago and we reconnected a year ago, but we live far in different states and have not seen each other."

Hmm. . .then my gut here is telling me dear, he's not "your guy" - meaning, I think he may be viewing this as "casual" and not necessarily an exclusive relationship, hence the hot and cold behavior from him.

"He says he wants to be friends but he acts differently."

Well, he may be acting differently at times, however, in the end, he's not consistent with that. So in that case, I'd be looking at it as "friends" with only the "possibility" of more someday. Meaning - it may or may not become an exclusive relationship. I wouldn't look at this as an exclusive relationship until he's requested a commitment from you and/or discussed dating exclusively. I'd look at this as something casual right now and something casual is something with "potential" - but not firm. Something that's occasional, but not committed. Something that may or may not eventually manifest into an exclusive, committed relationship.

And based on that dear. . .I'm not so sure I'd enter into those talks right now. Because if you're looking at this as a relationship and he's not, and you enter into those talks with a tone of wanting or expecting "more" from him at this moment - it may backfire if emotionally, he's not "there" yet.

I think if I were you, at this point with his confusion and indecision and mixed messages, it's not really necessary to ask "where is this going" because his indecisive actions are already telling you he's not "there" yet. So you kinda have your answer already. Instead, I think I'd feign being very busy and I'd just continue on with my life, leaving HIM to THINK about where this is going and what he really wants from you. That's not really your problem or your decision to make, it's his. So in the meantime, I think I'd continue living my life and moving forward, casually dating others until the time comes that this man asks you for a commitment and makes himself clear. And until he does that - I'd consider this casual at best with "potential" - but not an exclusive relationship.

I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear dear, but I think a discussion right now might be perceived as pressure by him, whether he's asked for the conversation or not, because he's so undecided right now, his knee-jerk reaction to a discussion like that might just be to bolt and disappear. I think if you continue to do what you're doing, he may then be compelled to make a decision on his own and he may then step forward with a request for an exclusive relationship. And if he doesn't, don't panic. Let time and space and silence and distance work on him right now to compel him to reach that decision on his own.

And if it's meant to be dear - it will be :-)

Don't be confused by his WORDS. Focus ONLY on his ACTIONS - because they will tell the tale here. So don't get caught up in the talk. . .just be patient, don't panic and sit back to see if he "walks the talk."; January 10, 2014 at 2:02 PM
magooch09 said...: Mirror you have got to be one of the smartest and sweetest people. Your advice is sincere and genuine, and always just so spot on. Thank you so much for all the advice and taking the time to write back. I really appreciate it. You are right, it's sad because at 45 years old and divorced with kids, you'd think he'd be done with the immature tail-chasing, and game playing, unfortunately his actions show otherwise. If he does come back, should i call him out on dissapearing, ? how do i convey his failure to follow up his talk with actions, has not gone unnoticed and i am no longer playing that game (i.e. how i should reject his flowerly talk)? one more little problem- he will be coming back into my area in a month's time for an event, and i would say there's a good chance he'll hit me up, invite/fly me and a friend to the event (which, just to be honest, i would love to attend, but know i shouldn't if i want to be smart about this-- however, is there any smart way about doing this/ any way i could accept the this offer (if he does offer) without looking like an idiot, or ending up as a victim?
Thank you so much again, much love!!; January 10, 2014 at 3:39 PM
Anonymous said...: So, I've been reading this post and the related comments for literally hours. When I finally got to the end of page one, I saw "X of 3784 posts" and I was like ...there is NO way I can read all these but I want to!!

Now that that's out of the way -- this is definitely the most well thought out, well written article on the subject. It combines emotions, psychology, and the differences between men and women, and Mirror you are so on top of games boys (not men) play, it's ridiculous.

I am a taurus female (gem rising) and learned mostly everything you wrote in your comments/advice the hard way. I wanted to first give you a million compliments (will you please write a book if you haven't done so already??) but second share my battle stories -- it's always interesting to hear how the things turned out in the end.

So, for some reason (maybe because I've always been a big reader and wanted to know relationships) I was never typical female doing the texting calling "going crazy" on a guy thing that all my friends did in college, and after. I'm 29 now. And instinctively I knew I was doing the right thing, but the problem was it put me in so much pain for so long, when I'd watch my friends be like "screw this I"m texting him" and blow up his phone 400 times, after which point he'd finally answer at some point, and they'd continue dating -- for months, if not years, although maybe it was never the kind of relationship I would have wanted. Always high drama. But the small part of me was like, okay, you keep your pride, and don't chase after men, but you're the one still single. So, it was tough, but even my friends would say they wish they were as strong as me in not contacting people when they shouldn't.

*Big Disappearing Man-Child Story One:*
-We date for four months. When we met it was a one night stand, that turned into four months, he did say he wasn't ready for a relationship right up front because he just got out of a 2.5 year one a month before we met. Fair. I wasn't either at the time but couldn't fight sex-induced chemicals and fell for him anyway. (Keep in mind, like I said, I learned everything the hard way). I told myself it would become more officially because it walked like a duck and talked like a duck relationship wise - Our non-relationship was complete with daily texting or IMing (not phone talking, which was key), weekends away together, etc. He even showed up once to my work at closing to surprise me and take me out to dinner.

Then, one day after a concert, ... it stops. No facebook chat, no texts, no calls. I give it a little while. I KNOW from the advice that it's to say, Do Not Contact Him. He's not an idiot, he knows exactly what he is doing, and I have been close enough friends with player guys that I've heard most things straight from the horse's mouth. Side note: A guy can be an AMAZING friend to a girl, but treat all the girls he dates like shit. It's seriously phenomenal to me.; January 11, 2014 at 11:17 AM
Anonymous said...: (part 2)
But, it didn't sit right with me to say absolutely nothing. I mean, it's not right that a woman is just supposed to "accept" whatever the man feels like doing and deal with it when/if he returns, which is like a 90% probability that he will by my experience. I have always known though, that flipping out on someone is not the way to get what you want. It's also the real reason we get told not to contact - cause most of us can't keep emotions in check. So I did reach out -- first time to ask if he was mad at me for some reason. He said no, had just been busy, and a friend was leaving for Iraq so he had been spending a lot of time with him. But that was it. Okay... still doesn't sit right. A week or so later I tried again and said are you sure you aren't mad at me? (classic, blaming self) And he goes, no, i've really just been busy

And then I knew I had to accept it: He wasn't talking cause he didn't wanna talk, and while he may not flat out ignore me, his answers may have well been the equivalent of those super annoying phone directories that never get you through to an actual person. So I gave up my efforts.

Let me tell you ladies I was absolutely devastated. How could someone I got so close to not care for my feelings enough to even say goodbye. The only answer that made sense was he was a coward, but even knowing that didn't take the pain away.

Eventually I got over it, as we always will if we try -- I even had to result to mental mind control techniques, like, okay if I notice myself thinking about him I'm going to force myself to think about oranges instead. Haha, sounds nuts, but it does work.

I'd say it was about 2-2.5 months later (I swear ladies, there's something about the 2 month mark for situations like this) that I finally got the text.

I didn't know better. It was late-night, Boston, come pick me and my roommate up let's get some drinks. And he said jump, and I jumped. I KNEW before I agreed I was selling myself short, but I was so desperate for information - I also knew he would have to talk when I saw him.

So of course I go, we talk, I get my information -- the details itself were pretty amazing to me, since it was absolutely nothing I could have come up with, some misinterpretation of an event at the concert combined with him knowing he either had to commit or break it off and didn't know what to do, he would tell all his friends i would be the perfect girlfriend, but to himself knew he wasn't really ready.; January 11, 2014 at 11:19 AM
Anonymous said...: part 3: This might help, to provide insight a bit, though: He did say, that he was confused and unsure, and then he WAS busy with his friend leaving, and then he'd realize a week went buy, and then another, and then was like well NOW if I talk to her she is going to be so mad at me and it will be this big conversation... which he knew I wasn't going to like anyway, so he ultimately decided to let it go. Because he knew talking to someone two weeks after you stop talking to them is a douchebag thing to do. (So keep i mind, as Mirror says, they definitely know it's not cool at all. we don't need to tell them that. We should judge accordingly)

Anyway, back to that night. I get my answers (check). It was all emotional and romantic to reconnect and one things lead to another and I let myself sleep with him. After which he makes sure to tell me at some point, just to be clear... I'm still not at a point where I feel like I have enough to give in a relationship.

And he didn't try to talk to me again. UNTIL: I finally accept the situation and no longer care about the outcome, so I go against the advice of all the "don't talk to him" people, and write him this long message on facebook, which ended with, I still have your sweatpants, by the way. (They were his fave so I offered to give them back).

I laughed when I saw his response. He ignored everything I wrote until the thing about the sweatpants. At which point his response was to say, yeah, I really would like those back, I've been missing them.

FF a bit more (this is where we start to prove how quality of a person he was - maybe he's matured since then). Next time I hear, I have a boyfriend (great guy, didn't work out) - he has a girlfriend. He messages me and starts talking about how great she is and how great things are between them. And I'm sitting there like, are you trying to turn the knife? Like hey, you dumped me... remember? Weirdest thing ever. Funny part was, I found out she had been dating his roommate, briefly, first. A little bit later, I defriended him on facebook and never talked to him again.

3 years later, those two just got engaged. During a Venus Retrograde. Hehehehe :D (hey mirror-like you said - karma is a bitch. i like to say, karma is a bigger bitch than I ever have to be!); January 11, 2014 at 11:20 AM
Anonymous said...: (Part 4)

DISAPPEARING MANCHILD NUMBER TWO:
-He's a guy from high school that was super cute but younger, and I never paid attention to younger guys back then. I was just coming off of some unfun breakup, where the guy broke up with over text after 4 months and I was crushed. I didn't want to go out with anyone. But he was trying SO hard to make me go out with him.

Actually, his brother even messaged me to bring him a six pack of beer as an apology for some prank -- and it turned out these things happened on the same night, completely unrelated, and when I called the guy asking me out on it he was so embarrassed that I knew it wasn't a set up. Curious at the way the universe had lined up events, I decided to go out with him (no, I did not bring him beer).

It was one of the best first dates, he made me laugh, he wanted to see me the next day, and the next - we spent most of a whole long weekend together, actually. Probably a mistake. (Pacing is important...) He hadn't liked anyone as much as me, he said, since his gf in high school, so he was a little scared (he did tell me that) and did want to take things slow, on the commitment side. (Nice story, right?) Anyway, fast forward through things turning sour fast -- oh by the way we met during a Venus Retrograde. I didn't know about VR then, but it was textbook Jekyl and Hyde. I actually was drunk one night and flipped out on him for how he had started to treat me, by dumping a beer on his head (hahahaha) and trying to storm off, but only problem was we were on an island. On a weekend thing he had invited me on.

So, we saw each other once after that but his mind was blown by what I had done - I did apologize and he did accept responsibility for being a douchebag and partially causing it. And, he went silent. I texted him once a week or two later, asking if he wanted to meet up for a drink - his response - yeah sure sometime

so I didn't pursue it. But I was angry as heck, cause I thought it was done after the night I poured a beer on his head, -- he gave me the spiel about not knowing if he was ready, and saying he felt overwhelmed (good for him for TRYING to verbalize) and said he wasn't sure about things, so I asked what he wanted this to be. He wasn't sure, I said, so are we seeing other people or not? He said he didn't want to hold me back so to do that if I wanted to. So then, I pulled back (see, I started to learn a bit). Left him to his own devices. After a weekend apart, he came back with a vengeance, called me in the middle of the day on his lunch break (which he never did) and asked to "make up for" his bad behavior causing it by making me dinner etc.

So I was mad that he did that and then decided "nah".; January 11, 2014 at 11:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Part 5:

Fast forward to his birthday, two months later (are we sensing a theme, timing wise?) - he calls me kind of early for a friday night that was his birthday (11 ish) - he wasn't having fun out with his friends and wanted to go home, which is when he called me. I knew in my heart, as I had known with the previous guy, that they would try to fight it -- the guilt they felt over unceremonious leaving -- and then eventually they'd have to want to make amends.

He wanted to explain everything. But he wanted to do it in person, he said, because I deserved that. I said sounds kinda like you're just trying to get me to your place. And he said I swear you can go home after you hear me out if you want to. But I don't want to do this over the phone.

Curiosity got the cat again and I went over. He told me the whole story (and it's very vindicating to see a guy who abandoned you do something super uncomfortable and initiate a lengthy talk about his feelings -- they kind of squirm. It's amusing.) After the whole story he told me he had never stopped thinking about me but knew I probably hated him and finally he just had to try. I said, so what do you want now? And he didn't really have an answer for me, which I thought was funny. So he said, I don't know, maybe we can take it slow ? I wanted a clean slate. So I said, so basically you just wanted to clear your conscience. And he pretty much agreed. But said he didn't know how to go forward from here, but he thought slow would be best.

Anyway, they always say life will keep giving you the same lessons til you get it right - well, i did the same damn thing and slept with him (although I tried to resist pretty hard haha) and, POOF! Gone forever.

TAKEAWAYS
-Ladies, one thing I have realized lately is that the reason things may have not rekindled properly with either of these guys, is as much as I might be the cool, beautiful, fun loving girl who is strong enough to not chase a guy when he leaves (I've decided I do one real attempt and that's it) -- I was so hungry for information that basically once they gave me their story, I was all "Oh, I understand, it's in the past, I forgive you, and oh sure let's have sex cause really I missed you too". WRONG.

No guy, or no person, wants to date a doormat. People expect to pay when they do something wrong. You set your own worth, and if you are going to just say, sure, you treated me like crap and I was an emotional wreck for a few weeks, but that's cool, I forgive you, and oh here's I will totally just let you right back inside (emotionally and physically) again -- well, I think deep down you would know the person has self worth issues, and nobody really wants to deal with that. It doesn't make a good partner.; January 11, 2014 at 11:21 AM
Anonymous said...: part 6:

For me in those stories, my sense of self started to hinge on why they had rejected me in such a cold way, and so when they gave me another chance I chomped at the big to have their approval again. It was so messed up (hindsight is 20/20).

So, while I may have done the "don't chase him" thing pretty darn well, (cause hey, it's hard no matter what, and I have at times attempted chasing to find it never works) I didn't have the, what to do when they return if you don't completely hate them, part down AT ALL. Until this article. Yay!

Cause these are just two stories of man-child people who really affected me. There are more stories of others who disappeared and came back, but 9 times out of 10 by the time they came back I didn't care anymore. And sometimes, like Mirror, I'd get a bit vindictive, know in my heart I could never trust them with my heart again, but go out with them anyway. It's kind of fun to watch someone fall all over themselves to get another chance when they hurt you so much. And after a couple weeks, they would pick up on my non-emotionalness with them, and I'd admit that "I'm so sorry, but I just don't think I can trust you again" and end it.

Actually, some of THOSE guys ended up chasing me for literally, years, waiting for me to *really* get over it, giving me space and re-circling every few months to see how I felt, but I just knew that all romantic feelings for them were dead.

One guy, is still in contact with me, and I like him as a friend. Which is why I allow it. It probably kills him. After one of his failed attempts he said to me, people make mistakes and if you aren't over it now you are never going to get over it, but people deserve second chances. All I could say was, that may be true - but I can't help how I feel.

WHAT BRINGS ME HERE NOW
Well, first, I'm so pumped to have found this site. But what brings me here now is really probably the most baffling of the disappearances I have ever seen. So these days I'm pretty good at letting guys do 90% of the work - that's my rule, unless they become an official boyfriend. A lot of guys are REALLY not used to that, and some get frustrated (I never hear from you) but it is what it is. I just tell them I'm old fashioned. I mean, I am a Taurus. :) Plus, after all I've seen, I don't jump in quite so easily as I used to. I like to see myself as the bull in a pasture watching the scene and chewing grass, you have my attention but I don't buy it yet, type deal.; January 11, 2014 at 11:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Part 7:

But every now and then someone pulls at your heart strings. Enter my latest Houdini. First date at a coffee shop lasts four hours, talking and talking. He texts me the next day saying how he probably shouldn't tell me this but he has been thinking about me all day. Offers to stop by my house and plow out my driveway from snow. Um, sure! lol. Off we go. Second date is out for Italian dinner. I kiss him at the end, which was pretty funny cause we're sitting in his car and he won't stop rambling so finally I just saw are you gonna shut up and kiss me or not? LOL. Anyway, Again, we shut the place down just talking, too. Meanwhile he's texting me daily, alternating between sweet things, and how he hasn't felt this way about someone in a long time, and all that jazz, and normal chat, with I miss you's sprinkled here and there. But a little too open for guys I'm used to, I mean what guy in this day and age really says "I've missed you since the minute I dropped you off" but at the same time, melt!!

I'm away the following weekend, he makes an excuse to stop by my place "I have something that I kind of have to give to you today" and brings me flowers and a card. We play a trivia game in my room (no living room) and we're on my bed and he doesn't even make a move. I'm blown away. All the good treatment and he didn't even pressure or attempt for sex.

The next time we see each other he's inviting me to go to his family's Christmas party, I asked him if he was sure he said yes cause he didn't like the idea of me along on Christmas eve. Met his family. Mom and I get along fabulously, she even puts cookies in my jacket pocket for me to find after I leave (yep, I'm not making this up). His uncle starts calling me his Angel from heaven. LOL. Then he invites me to the second family Christmas party that following weekend. After that party he slept over and ..well you get it. I figured he had earned it and we had also talked and said neither of us believe in dating more than one person at a time even when getting to know someone. We both kind of commented that it's funny how I'm meeting pretty much everyone but we both seemed to have no problem with it and rolled with it.

So I invite him to go with a few people to go to my fam's vacation house for New Year's. We go, I love having him there, he tells me after he had a great time, etc. Then he invites me to a work party. A surprise birthday party for someone. Doesn't tell me it's got a DJ and 100 people and food etc. But, whatever. I meet one if his best friends and his best friend's fiance, chat with them all night.

... and here's where it starts. He's a little quieter that night. I comment on it and he says what do you mean? And he's been working around the clock so I shrug it off. Next morning, he kisses me goodbye and says call you later - but it struck me as slightly off because he kissed me on the side of the mouth. Just little things that are off from his "normal".; January 11, 2014 at 11:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Part 8 - last one!

This guy was calling 2-3x a day "to check in" as he would say. That day, nothing. I text him that evening saying hope you're having a good day xx and he replies with something about how he was about to text me, tells me about his day (but doesn't ask about mine) then says he's now heading to go out with his friends. I say well have fun you deserve it and 45 mins later he writes back, thank you

...and so far, never to be heard from again. I texted him once Monday to ask how a doc appt went, no reply. Wednesday I grab the bull by the horns and call and leave a message, matter of fact and say hey little worried haven't heard from you in a few days but if this is you backing off it's okay just let me know so there's no confusion, hopefully talk to you soon" -- and, zero. That was my last ditch effort.

I did all the typical things beating myself up trying to figure out what he heck happened. But no, there's no thing I can point to (as with the other two big situations) that may or may not have been it. He's a Capricorn.

It's also Venus Retrograde again, but we met before it started, even if just a week or two before.

As I said before, thanks to this article, I now know what to do if/when (I'm almost certain it's a when) he pops back up (kind of reminds me of whack-a-mole...we just sit there waiting to bash their heads in :D )

I swear to myself that I will not make the mistakes I made in the past, and I will show self-love and respect for myself and make him earn his spot back in my life if he decides that's what he wants.

My question is this. I don't condone this type of behavior, ever - but people aren't perfect, and men are idiots with emotions, so if the feelings are still there, I'm open to hearing the case. BUT. How do you tell when it's just a case of them wanting to clear their own conscience -- and when it's really about missing you and realizing they made mistake?

Also, any insight on something that started just before VR and then abruptly stopped? The two month timeframe puts us just in the clear, so that is in our favor (if this guy is worth his salt, now I feel like I saw a ghost in a way - how could someone do all those things, and still pretend you dont exist all of a sudden?).Especially after introducing me to family! It's not like went to Applebees a few times.

I know this has been super long. But I wanted to share my experiences and knowledge, because I know I learn from other people's stories so I figure some of you ladies might as well.

It's kind of tough, too, because if he did just decide he didn't wanna date me for whatever reason, it makes all those special things - meeting family, being brought flowers, talking for hours -- ...well, how do you know they're special with someone after going through something like this?; January 11, 2014 at 11:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Aphrodite , i have met a man who asked me to go out , i didn't respond to his flirts we talked via texts , he compliments me a lot and i ignored his texts many times yet , he kept trying to message me at the beginning he told me that he will call me in the time i want and meet me in the time i want ( a way to impress me lol ) anyway after a month of his trying to meet me i accepted and told him about the day , our first date was weird because i thought he won't come because we didn't talk for a week ( before finishing the date he said he was sorry to not calll me the whole week because he was busy ) anyway our first date was great he treated me so nicely , i feel like he was testing me by his questions , he even talked about marriage and kids most of time and i wasn't responding at all , he asked me to send him a nice message at the end i was like huh ( i don't do these things am bit hard with men ) anyway we talked that night he said he enjoyed the date and he found amazing things about me when he asked me about the second date i said to him i don't know then i said ok we can meet again he seemed very excited to meet me we spoke on phone to plan the second date then huh he disappeared for a week and stood me up '( he said he will come at 4 to meet me after i finish my class) i didn't call him or message him and he tooo after 3 days of the stood up he sent me a message like hey how was u r week , i didn't answer after three hours i said to late he said he is so sorry he had problem with his phone i told him haha nice lie we r done bye he said why r u nervous i said sorry and am ready for a hundred times i said i don't care anymore , i really like him a lot affter this he said ok it's u r decision if u change u r mind it's never late to me i will never forget u honey , we didn't talk for a month , plz tell me why he is doing this to me ( by the way he told me once he said good morning to me and i ignored him i don't remember this lol bcz many guys flirt with me ) when i don't respond to his disappear he come and say sorry and some phone problems haha plz help what kind of guy is this :(; January 11, 2014 at 4:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

you might have heard about the former Formula 1 driver Michael Schumacher´s skiing accident at the end of December after which he is in a coma. The news about his accident made me search the internet and among other information I came across some youtube videos showing Michael with his wife and life-long love Corinna. Very moving, especially considering his present condition. To my knowledge he really has a deep, loving relationship with her. When I saw those videos I was touched because I remembered all the women here struggling with men who make them feel miserable, undesirable, inferior, etc., whilst there are men out there who are able to do the opposite. I also realised that while learning how to cope with all these horrible men I almost resigned on the belief that there are real gentlemen, too. And I also realised how right Mirror is when she says we should leave these bad men as soon as possible, they are not worth any time or effort, really. And maybe Michael´s marriage is not as ideal as it seems but I am glad to have found those videos because they gave me an inspiration and hope that I can find a good man too. And any of you too. (-:

I just wanted to share this with you to encourage you and remind you not to blame yourselves for anything because with a good man you would never have got into trouble in the first place.

Have a nice weekend,
Hopeful; January 11, 2014 at 4:47 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm not sure if the no contact thing would apply here, but here it goes. I've dated a guy for 4 months now. He probably the most decent man I've ever met, although, he's been hurt by many bad past relationships. He says he's scared to death to get into a relationship, for fear of getting dumped again. He's pulled back dramatically the past two months. Doesn't ask me out; doesn't want to get close to me at all. Lately, he hasn't been initiating texting; only once, when I was sick and he asked how I was feeling. We work together but not in the same area. I asked how much he missed me the day I was out and he said "tons". He tells me "goodnight hun" just about every night. Yesterday, he didn't text me until I texted him first. He hasn't texted me at all again today. I know he's "wounded" but all I want to do is spend time with him. I'm afraid he's never going to let anyone in again. I'm not sure by not initiating contact with him is going to make a difference. I have read something by a relationship coach that he will never step up unless he thinks he's going to lose me. Any advice is appreciated. I just want to help both of us. I've had two different men have affairs on me. I'm willing to try again though. I think I'm worth it.; January 11, 2014 at 8:18 PM

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