Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Wanted to ask a quick question, I texted my disappearing guy a few days ago and He still not texted me back.
But today I received a friend request from a different social media website from him,he has just baffled me by doing this .
Why would he ignore my text but sent me a friend request on a different website?; January 12, 2014 at 8:11 AM
Heidi said...: Mirror and Ladies (1 of 2),

My disappearing/reappearing Aries followed through with getting in touch for conversation, but we couldn't agree on a day for him to drive to my town. He seemed rather snarky at first... I ignored that :).

Aries and I have both always been very busy and I remembered this time last year when he was in "full pursuit" mode, the long distance and weekends packed with obligations in both of our lives, was an issue.

Anyway, I feel good about the conversations we have had this weekend. A few brief calls, but countless texts and a handful of emails. At one point last night we were texting & I was also bantering on Facebook with some mutual friends about one of the NFL teams. He joined that dialog & sent me a private message (making a joke about one of the other people in the comment thread) . I emailed to him a funny news clip that went along with the group conversation. He then replied from a different email address thanking for the short article and joked that he was now sending a carrier pigeon up with a note so that we'd have every mode of communication going at once. It was all very nice and light.

We also talked about "us"....He admitted that when I started to "expect things" from him last summer he was frustrated. He started to pull away and I pushed forward. Yes, I did expect him to maintain the same level of communication and level of interest and reminded him that HE was the one who seemed constantly frustrated with my schedule, etc. He agreed with me, but said "we werent on the same page" .

He stated that he liked the way things were with us, liked being with me, but started to feel I "wanted more than he could provide" ( for months I felt like HE was the one who was trying to get me to commit. I hadn't been divorced for 6 months when we started dating & I was in NO hurry) . He added that he "started to feel like we were no longer on the same page" ( meaning I wanted more) and "we felt differently about where things were going" and that is why he started to cancel plans, etc.

Basically, he said he started fading because (after him telling me I was the only person he wanted to be with /date) in his eyes, I started to act differently. looking back, he is right :( . The more he pulled back, the more I initiated -thinking I was reassuring him that I was interested- and invited/attempted to make more plans *sigh*.

Is this typical Aries getting bored after accomplishing the challenge, perhaps?

The most difficult thing to admit is that maybe once he got to know me, he realized I just wasn't what he wanted.

Anyway....We talked about ( his words) the "chick he'd been seeing" and he told me the New Years Eve story. I teased him .

He asked if I am seeing anyone and when I told him "there is a cutie who seems very interested, but nothing serious yet" he replied with "cool" and said "it is good to take things slowly" (Fact: there is nobody I am romantically interested in)

Then he stopped texting for a while, but picked back up by saying "My sister couldnt stand ( named the "adios" girl) but my family all loved you. Thing is, she had a really tough childhood, abused, never trusting men . I think that is why she did what she did on NYE. She called the other day and wants to see me, do you think I should?"

- seems like he is still interested in seeing her again. I know he was humiliated, mad, etc, but if he is not downplaying his feelings about her when referring to her as " the chick he was seeing" ( implying it was casual) , Then could that awful behavior of hers actually have drawn him towards her and made him see HER as sort of a challenge now?; January 12, 2014 at 1:26 PM
Heidi said...: 2/2
continued...
Our conversations seem very open and honest. He stated he would like to see me again and wants us to "be friends". He said "being ignored sucks and I am so sorry I did that to you".

I told him "Friends? Platonic yes, but I am not up for a F*ck buddy"
He said "I know. I never thought you were"

I added that I wanted to be friends and nothing more.

Here is where I need thoughts and advice:

Towards the end of the texting, he said "we should have gone to the Superbowl last year when we had the chance" ( tickets were offered to me, but as it is a very expensive weekend and I /we didn't pursue going).

Me: "I can get them every year, though "Tony" so maybe one of these years I'll want to go".
Aries: " Next month... lets do it. I'll go with you. We can drive to New York. Lets go? "
Me : " I dont know. I havent even thought about going. The crowds, the $$$. details like hotel...."
Aries: "Ive always wanted to go. Lets do it. If you can get the tickets, I'll plan the rest. If you can get 4, we can take ( our 2 oldest sons)"

Me: I don't know. I can definitely get 2 tickets. Are you sure about this?
Aries "It will be great. I am happy for it just being us going. Come on!"

So...... This new interest in reaching out to me.... if he knows he cant get easy sex, could he be using me for my ticket connections? Is it possible for 2 people who used to date, to travel/ take a weekend together and be platonic friends? I don't feel like he is pursuing me & I don't feel like he is trying to pick up where we left off last summer. He almost seemed a bit sad when we talked on the phone. Sad and uninterested.
IF I decide to go... IF... what sort of dialogue should I have with him prior to going?

Thanks for the thoughts and advice ! I will stop boring everyone with my endless posts , but I certainly appreciate every message, suggestion and advice I read.

Happy Sunday!; January 12, 2014 at 1:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @magooch09.
"If he does come back, should i call him out on disappearing, ? how do i convey his failure to follow up his talk with actions, has not gone unnoticed and i am no longer playing that game"

Well, unfortunately dear - disappearing men are a waste of time. Meaning, this is generally their character, and they'll do this again, which is why it's usually a waste to give them second chances. As a result, I do not suggest responding to a disappearing man UNLESS he's apologized and/or signaled he wants to "talk" about what happened. Until one of those two things happens, I'd suggest no contact:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

That's how you set boundaries for how you want to be treated, it's how you signal to a man that this treatment wasn't okay with you (without the use of WORDS and via your ACTIONS instead) and it's how you avoid getting sucked back in with a bunch of excuses and/or flower talk ;-); January 12, 2014 at 3:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @gettingtotheotherside,
"How do you tell when it's just a case of them wanting to clear their own conscience -- and when it's really about missing you and realizing they made mistake?"

Well, there are no guarantees when dating and there's no real situation that exists where we aren't taking some type of risk when doing so. But it's really about consistent behavior from them over an extended period of time (it signals emotional stability and the ability to be responsible).

So when they're consistent in their actions after that event, it at least signals they're interested and willing to work at it - and that's really as good as it can get dear, because again, there are no guarantees and the rest is up to fate and circumstances, etc. So, if the event takes place and they've cleared their conscience and then start being wishy washy again, it's pointless and they're best left on their own until they figure out what they want. However, if the event takes place and then they "man up" and take ACTION to move the relationship forward (start calling regularly, asking you out on dates regularly, making time for you regularly, etc.) then you have a better chance at success. The way to protect yourself during this period until you know if he's serious or not is to 1) not sleep with them during the observation period and 2) make them WORK hard to win you over by holding back. If a man remains consistent for an extended length of time and he's NOT receiving sex from you, he's genuinely interested in you as a person. Additionally, studies have shown that if you don't sleep with a man for 30 days, you have increased odds of being together 1 year later. If you hold off for 60, you have even better chances of success and as the time increases, so do your odds. However, if you sleep with a man within 30 days, you've got as high as 90% odds (even higher actually I think) that you WON'T be together 1 year later (refer to the book, "30 Day Love Detox: Cleanse Yourself of Bad Boys, Cheaters, and Men Who Won't Commit -- And Find A Real Relationship" for the exact study results: http://www.amazon.com/The-30-Day-Love-Detox-Relationship/dp/1609619706)

"how do you know they're special with someone after going through something like this?"

Well, again dear, it amounts to consistency, consistent behavior. And honestly, even when things appear to be going well and the guy's a gentleman, even then, they can change their mind for whatever reason (fear, emotional immaturity, bad timing, etc.) And chances are - this guy will reappear. In situations like this, it ain't over till the fat lady sings and right now, I don't hear her song, LOL. So there's a very high likelihood he'll reappear here and when he does, he needs to have some obstacles placed before him to really PROVE himself to you and to prove he's capable of consistent behavior and emotional stability. Because in this case, even though a gentleman for the most part, it appears he may be a bit emotionally immature and possibly not really ready for the "real deal" just yet. So be patient and give him plenty of time, space and silence to get his head screwed on straight because it's possible that when he does, he circle back and attempt to make amends. And know that his family, friends, etc. will be asking him, "Hey, whatever happened to that girl. . ." and by doing so, they're actually giving him PLENTY to think about and keeping YOU top of HIS mind ;-)

Sit tight - chances are this isn't over.; January 12, 2014 at 4:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Heidi,
"Then could that awful behavior of hers actually have drawn him towards her and made him see HER as sort of a challenge now?"

Oddly enough, yes dear. Now don't get me wrong, I'm in no way, shape or form condoning this woman's treatment of him - I think it's appalling truthfully. However, it does apply to the Law of Scarcity. Read that portion at the beginning of this article to see how uncertainty actually CREATES attraction.

And that's why I advise women to cease being so "nice" when dating and instead, just be your "true" self. I don't mean be mean and nasty. But I do mean that it's okay to say no once in a while, it's okay to refuse sex, it's okay to disagree sometimes, it's okay to state your own opinion, etc. All the things you keep quiet on so as to not rock the boat - forget that and instead, be your true self because men like a bit of "spark" in a woman.

"Is it possible for 2 people who used to date, to travel/ take a weekend together and be platonic friends?"

For two emotionally mature people, yes it's possible - but it will include lots of opportunities and temptations so if you're not up for those types of situations, don't do this.

"could he be using me for my ticket connections?"

It's quite possible, so consider this VERY carefully dear.; January 12, 2014 at 4:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much for taking the time to read my (rather long) tale and answer the relevant parts. I really am so glad I found someone so intelligent and articulate on the subject, I'm telling you if you wrote a book I'd tell all my girlfriends to forget all the others :).

I actually was reading Psychology Today magazine (they have some cover story on secrets and lies) where at one point they mention how cognitive dissonance can be painful, and so when what we say and what we do doesn't match up we will most likely change our thoughts to support our actions. " If new information contradicts that belief, we experience cognitive dissonance, which is painful. So we unconsciously ignore the new information, shaping our reality instead to fit our sense of who we are."

In the article, they were saying this is why the person with the secret will bend their thoughts about a situation to support their actions -- so a disappearing man, won't feel as much guilt, because he may think "she's better off not hearing such-and-such" and justify their actions. "Our discomfort with cognitive dissonance enables us to rationalize our decisions, right or wrong."

The person left in the dark in the situation we are talking about, I think, could possibly experience some emotional pain from cognitive dissonance about their beliefs on them being worthy and deserving of love. We keep trying to evaluate the guy's words and actions --- (but he said he cared!) with what they did (and then he just dropped me like a hot potato) -- so our mind tries to make one of those true - since he's not acting like he cares then our mind tries to find supporting facts for the disappearing part -- which I think is why we automatically search for anything we said or did to contribute to the situation.

because at the end of the day in this situation you're battling two opinions here -- one that you are person worthy and deserving of love, respect, and basic compassion (your own opinion, in which case why would anyone ever leave your wonderful self) and two: that you aren't even worth a sticky note mentioning why the person was no longer going to be a part of your life. I think that battle right there is the hard part -- we fight to keep our self esteem when it comes to relationships *up*, but when people treat us as if we are NOT that, we need to fight against the parts of us that for whatever reason want to agree with the person who abandoned us and we start to reject ourselves. All to alleviate the cognitive dissonance we have experienced about our own worth. And I think with your other article (the aftermath) unfortunately the woman decided to pick the side against herself. There's a term in psychology for this too (extreme cases of, someone is held captive and tormented they eventually have the same beliefs as their tormentor about ways of being treated and what is normal and what isn't, and also about themselves).

At least, it made a lot of sense to me. I don't know if that strikes a cord with anyone else here :)

Article on Psychology Today is here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201312/the-secret-became-my-life; January 12, 2014 at 7:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
Since this is your most popular posting topic, I thought I might ask you about dating after 40. Strangely, although many of us dated lovely men in our 20's an 30's, the 40's ushers in a whole new breed of cat for many of us, such as the DM. Do you have any no-nonsense advice for those of us--some never married, some divorced--who are trying to find love at this age? Bizarre experience to start being dumped for women ten years younger, etc...new territory, and sage advice appreciated. Where? and how? Thanks.; January 12, 2014 at 9:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 11, 4:35 PM,
"plz help what kind of guy is this"

He stood you up for a date dear and then when he reappeared, he pretended as if nothing happened and didn't offer an apology until he realized you were upset and not responding. That's ignorant and insensitive. He's unreliable, inconsistent and emotionally immature it appears. The way he handled it and his overall attitude about it, being somewhat cavalier, signals that he'd most likely do this again if given the chance and offer some lame excuse as a reason for having done so.

I don't think he's emotionally mature enough for a real relationship dear :-(; January 13, 2014 at 9:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 11, 8:18 PM,
"I'm not sure by not initiating contact with him is going to make a difference."

I understand that dear but realize this - INITIATING contact with him ISN'T going to make a difference either :-( He's already told you this:

"He says he's scared to death to get into a relationship"

He's not ready for a relationship dear and it appears that he's not looking for one either :-( And nothing you do or say is going to change that unfortunately.

"I have read something by a relationship coach that he will never step up unless he thinks he's going to lose me."

That would be no contact dear - no contact from you is what will make him think he's losing you. Contacting him is only going to make him think you're there, waiting on him, and will have the opposite effect. But you need to realize that none of that is a guarantee. If the man isn't genuinely interested and he doesn't want a relationship, nothing, not even no contact, is going to change his mind dear. HE has to WANT that himself.

In this case dear, he's not contacting you, he's not calling, he's not asking you out and he's already told you he doesn't want a relationship. As a result, you should accept that reality and save yourself the grief and anxiety and worry associated with attempting to change his mind and you should move on and away from him and begin dating other men. Men that WANT the SAME thing you want dear - a relationship.

Nothing you do or say can make someone love you and want a relationship with you dear. I know it hurts and I know that isn't what you wanted to hear and I'm sorry about that :-( But if you continue along here, you're going to get hurt, so it's best to distance yourself from him at this point and move forward without him as best you can.

If he changes his mind and/or realizes that he has feelings for you - he knows where to find you and he will catch up with you :-); January 13, 2014 at 9:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 12, 8:11 AM,
"Why would he ignore my text but sent me a friend request on a different website?"

There could be a multitude of reasons dear, but none of them matter. What really matters here is that he's disappeared and he's non-responsive and he appears to be playing games. And those are not qualities you want in a mate or boyfriend. He's inconsistent and unreliable and that signals that he's not ready and/or willing to have a relationship dear - it signals that he's not relationship material and it appears he may be a game player and/or manipulator :-(; January 13, 2014 at 9:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 12, 9:34 PM,
"Do you have any no-nonsense advice for those of us--some never married, some divorced--who are trying to find love at this age?"

I really don't distinguish any difference dear, regarding the age of the man. We have women commenting on this thread in their 50's (Gemini 50 and chk61) and we have women commenting on this thread in their 20's. . .and ALL are experiencing the same exact thing, regardless of the age of the man. And the reason I think this is happening is because of the times, and not their age.

In these modern times, technology and a warped attitude and perspective about men, women and dating (i.e. hookups now being considered actual dating, when in reality they're two entirely different things: one or two night stand versus courting and courtship) are contributing to the ignorant behavior and treatment folks are now dishing out to one another.

And if you notice in many of the comments shared here, we don't really find any true distinguishable differences in the behavior of men in their 40's versus men in their 20's because each can still be emotionally immature, inconsistent, selfish and arrogant if they chose to be. So when dating, you're going to encounter men like this regardless of the age range you're dating in and there's really nothing you can do to avoid that. The only thing you CAN do, is learn how to react to it accordingly (non-emotionally and with dignity).

"The way people treat you is their karma, the way you react is yours" :-); January 13, 2014 at 9:31 AM
Anonymous said...: thank you for your respond :) but do u have any idea why someone seems very happy to meet u then stood u up :( why he asks me if he dosn't wanna meet me before our first date he called me many times and i didn't answer after two weeks i sent him a message i said ' hi , how r u ' he said finally u remember me . He seemed very interested in me why men do this it's stupid; January 13, 2014 at 11:14 AM
Anonymous said...: @magooch09

You got very very lucky as MOA told you. I work in the entertainment industry and surrounded by executives and models like yourself so I know both sides of the game. I now own my own agency so I also get to see that side of the business. These guys are always looking for their next victim especially when they feel deep down that you need them for your work or that they can help your career. When they meet someone 20 years their junior who is a model these guys get very excited and when they sense that it is going to require some work on their end they retreat slowly. I have heard the stories straight from the horses' mouths. Your parents are smart to look after you in this crazy industry. I am in my early 30s and still watch my back carefully. I go in to do deals with these guys and come out shaking my heard with all their sweet talk and player tendencies. Oldest line in the book "you are my dream girl, I will fly you around the world". You can tell them all day long that you like them for them not their money or career but they will always assume you want them for that, even if you don't. Been there....

I am going to assume this guy is in the music industry since you met while they were on tour. These guys give out backstage passes a lot if you know what I mean :))); January 13, 2014 at 1:13 PM
Anonymous said...: @Heidi

I love reading your posts personally and never find them boring.

I would NOT go with him. When he said "Plan the rest" did he mean pay for the rest of the trip? Just my personal advice/take on this.

Use those tickets to go with someone else. Someone who did not treat you badly in the past. Someone fun and NOT sad. Someone who is interested in you. To me he sounds like he is using you for the tickets and cheap. Sorry just my take. I mean guys who suggest doing stuff to me usually take the lead big time. Like get the tickets and I will take care of the trip so you don't have to worry about $$$. You don't need a buddy or friends, you have enough of those. (I learned that from my guy friends who girls ask to be friends with).

Do you really think you can sit there listening to him talk about crazy New Years eve girl who despite humiliating him he still thinks about???? I have seen this happen Heidi with guys going for psycho crazy chicks and even marrying them (then divorcing them of course).

Make him work for those tickets if you really really want to spend time with him!; January 13, 2014 at 1:25 PM
QueenTaurus said...: I'm a Taurus women talking to a Gemini man and at first it was all good. he would hit me all the time. We went on a date and we have worked out together but all of a sudden he stopped hitting me up and already 5 days went by and I had to hit him up. I don't know if he is still interested. I mean he responding back with interest and all but idk how to take that...like is he seeing how I respond to not hearing from him or he is maybe interested elsewhere.; January 13, 2014 at 5:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @QueenTaurus,
The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not is to see if HE pursues HER. Consider this article, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; January 13, 2014 at 5:51 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

You are so right regarding it being the “times” and not the age as the reason for poor behavior in the dating world. Over the past five years, I've dated men from 43 to 60 and as I look back, what I see as a common thread in all of them is their childlike expectation of entitlement without consideration of others.

Protect yourself ladies... that's your answer. If it doesn't feel right, then it isn't. If it doesn't make sense, don't rationalize it, trust your gut. If a man leaves you with more questions than comfort, then he's playing you. If he makes you feel bad and question your worth, get away from him. You are the only one who can protect yourself, and you need to figure out how to do it.

I crashed and burned on New Year's, but I finally acted to protect myself. I wish I had done it sooner. Saying, "Please don't ever contact me again.Please." hurt like hell (and yes, my soul's desperation was seen in the Please's on both ends of that sentence), but I am slowly feeling so much better shedding the crap and stopping his access to me. I am beginning to feel free again.

And for us women who need a little help holding on to our Power when dealing with men, I had an Aha! moment today you might want to consider. I made a decision about future text communications with men: No Contact socially during my work hours. Use whatever tools and means you have to reduce the fast and furious rush these guys are laying on us... my work will be one of those tools for me. I'm too busy at work to text a man during my work day, and if he wants to reach me when I'm home, he can call. No more bs.

Believe in yourself ladies... you are worth it!; January 13, 2014 at 7:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Part1
To all of you ladies...trust me, don't ever take a disappearing-reapperaing man back...I mean never NEVER...It is just a question of time when he will disappear again leaving you in pain and suffering. There is a lot of good man out there waiting for you and you wont meet or notice them until you are waiting for something that will never happen and are absorbed in and obsessed with a toxic relationship. I really enjoy reading this forum and I learned a great deal from Moas advice and the stories and experiences of all of you. My story briefly goes like this: I (or it was he actually) just ended a relationship with my disappearing guy and this time hopefully for good. I mean now I still have feelings for him and all sorts of toxic hopes that he will change and get it but I know he won't...he disappeared on me 4 times in the past like 10 months (first for just 4-5 days then for a week then 2 weeks)during which time he was not responding to any calls, texts or anything and then always came back. I am 29 now but I never had experience with a disappearing man before and I didnt know what to do...I believed all his excuses and since he persued me after he reappeared I thought i would all be fine after. He apologized and wanted to "talk" and all that and because I was in love I was willing to and he was all devoted again but after some time he disappeared again. He hurt me so much I cant even describe. My self esteem and confidence are in pieces. Its all my fault I know. Because I let it happen. He applied all that sweet talk, he kept saying how much he loves me and he just has problems, busy etc but we are so good together etc etc.; January 14, 2014 at 4:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Part2
He disappeared last time in december just before Christmas...my Holidays were terrible...I was with family, I was supposed to be happy and grateful but decorating the Christmas tree with my brother and exchanging presents with family there were tears in my eyes... All I could think of was where had he gone?...OMG what a waste of my precious time, I let him ruin family time and the whole Christmas. And in January he reappeared apologizing saying how much he loves me and that he is just going through a rough time and went back to his cave but he loves me....I loved him and of course felt sympathy (was so stupid and blind, if he had loved me then he would never have done this to me) and started talking to him again for the third time...It is not even worth elaborating on the previous 2 disappearances they were all so lame (grandfathr died, his cousin was back on drugs and he hurt his back while working out) and I was so blind...I believed all his lies, empty promises. So a week after he resurfaced at the beginning of January, he stopped texting again. I waited for a few days and texted him yesterday asking how his weekend was. I wish I hadnt. Guess what...he texted back the following: "It was good and to be honest I met someone over the weekend. I havent done anything but I am interested"....I was shocked...devastated...how could he do that to me?? How can he tell me that?; January 14, 2014 at 4:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Part 3
I realized then what I kinda always knew deep in my heart that he doesnt give a damn about me. Never did. And this epiphany helped me realize he never cared and never will and he doesnt love me at all. He doesnt even know what it means to love someone. You dont do something with someone you claim to love and have been in a relationship with for almost a year. We had so many plans and dreams together and they all are shattered now. I was and still am sooo hurt ladies and felt so humiliated :'( I know I shouldnt even have responded to a text like that but I just sent him good luck and blocked him from my fb, skype, deleted his number, his email address...everything. I want to go into total NC like forever with this man. And I mean it. I know it is not gonna be easy bc I still love him but I have to protect myself. I just dont want to devote any single thought to him any more. He is still constantly on my mind though it just happened yesterday and im still in shock...how he could so casually tell me he met someone...What I started doing and it works so far is that whenever I want to think about him I immediately think of a piece of shit....I think of the bad smell, how disgusting it is and all that...I know its weird but I am so hurt that I need to teach myself to associate him with something very negative. Also, when Im really overwhelmed and want to call him or tell him off or something I just think of a clear example of a time he lied to me, made me feel unwanted (OMG I could write a book on that), ignored me, used me and abused me emotionally, manipulated me and made me cry. That helps too.; January 14, 2014 at 4:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Part 4
A disappearing-reappearing man never cares. Never. And never will. He wouldnt disappear if he did. He wouldnt do that to you. You are an option to him and while he is exploring other options you are suffering, becoming insecure, worried etc. A snake is a snake is a snake is a snake...It is so true MOA....maybe they mature or do not disappear on other women (I doubt that though, bc I believe it is coming from childhood, most of these men were abandoned and not loved by their mother) but if they do it to you once and you give them a second/third chance, they will do it over again. And they will hurt you over and over again. So you have to make a decision here to leave them for good, dont wait for them to make one as I did. I hope that I will never ever hear from this man like ever in my life. I learned to recognize dogs I think I learned my lesson and I swear if a man ever disappears on me again even for 2 days without prior notice, he better be dead bc I wont care or hear out any other excuse. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than with a disappearing man bc after a few months or weeks of happiness suffering will always come you just dont know when. Its not worth it. I hope karma will teach him a good lesson. Now Im working on myself, trying to be strong. Girls, you are all amazing, dont settle for a disappearing man...; January 14, 2014 at 4:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 14, 8:32 AM,
"I was and still am sooo hurt ladies and felt so humiliated"

You have nothing to feel humiliated about dear - HE does though. And with any luck, once this "new" situation of his falls through (and it probably will because he's most likely not capable of commitment), and he returns to find YOU are NOT responding to HIM - he'll have plenty of time then to think about what he's done.

"but I just sent him good luck and blocked him from my fb, skype, deleted his number, his email address...everything. I want to go into total NC like forever with this man."

I'm actually VERY proud of you for that dear. It's very hard not to swing into an emotional display after news like that but you didn't and you remained dignified and then took action to sever the ties - so give yourself a big pat on the back for that dear because many women would not have been able to handle that with such grace.

"He is still constantly on my mind though it just happened yesterday and im still in shock...how he could so casually tell me he met someone"

Now that this has happened dear and you're accepting it emotionally, let me give you another possible realization here to set this in stone, so that you don't go back for more some day. When men disappear and then reappear and then disappear and then reappear for short stints dear. . .many times, they're dating other women. I'm not trying to pour salt in your open wound, but I do want you to realize and slowly accept what may have possibly been happening here so that you DON'T ever find yourself with this man ever again. Why he chose to tell you this time, I'm not sure. However, as I stated previously, chances are it won't last because this man simply does NOT seem capable of commitment dear. He's not relationship material AT ALL. He's not emotionally mature enough to have one.

And do you know what that means dear? That means that this IS NOT your fault. That means that it wasn't YOU at all. That means that no matter WHO this man dates, there's a very high likelihood he's going to treat them poorly and it has nothing to do with the woman at all. He's a creep, he's a liar, he's a user, he's a cheat, he's insincere, he's immature. . .and he's NOT relationship material.

Step away from him dear as you are right now. . .and you watch, someday karma is going to sweep down into his life and deliver a heap of shit into his lap - all his own doing.

"What I started doing and it works so far is that whenever I want to think about him I immediately think of a piece of shit....I think of the bad smell, how disgusting it is and all that...I know its weird but I am so hurt that I need to teach myself to associate him with something very negative. Also, when Im really overwhelmed and want to call him or tell him off or something I just think of a clear example of a time he lied to me, made me feel unwanted (OMG I could write a book on that), ignored me, used me and abused me emotionally, manipulated me and made me cry. That helps too."

Actually dear, that's a good way to protect yourself from him because it'll make you MAD - and being angry believe it or not is actually quite powerful - anger is a VERY powerful emotion and when it's used as a form of protection (without lashing out at others and knowing when to shut it off), it can actually do wonders for you.

Cont. . .; January 14, 2014 at 8:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "So you have to make a decision here to leave them for good, dont wait for them to make one"

Exactly, if you're not in control of your happiness, then that means that someone else is - and that you're at their whim. And when you're at someone's whim, you're in a position to be victimized because you've handed control and your power over to someone else to decide what to do with it.

Hold onto your power ladies - and make sure it's YOU that's in control of your own happiness.

You'll be fine dear, you sound emotionally strong and you sound as if you've accepted the reality here and are prepared to see it through with action. This man WILL contact you again, trust me. And don't be surprised if he doesn't go to great lengths to do so. But if he does, don't take it that he's doing that because he truly cares. Realize that this guy is totally effed up emotionally and he's got tons of issues, many of which I believe stem from insecurity and ego related stuff.

So when he contacts you, bask in the glow of no contact and no response dear and realize that YOU now have your power back and protect it fiercely - look at him as if he's "broken" because emotionally, he is.

And then leave him in his lonely world - to suffer his own demise.; January 14, 2014 at 8:58 AM
Anonymous said...: @MOA
Im Anonymous Jan 14, 8:32 AM, My name is Zoe btw and I just want to thank you for your prompt response and kind words, it all means so much to me now and gives me some strength. Needless to say I have been crying the whole day and I know I shouldnt feel humiliated but I do :'( Your insight gave me further proof that probably throughout the whole time he was seeing other girls and I just didn't realize :( During the whole time he disappeared, when I was worried about him crying, calling and texting if he was ok, he was having fun with someone else. I feel like a fool :'( Maybe this time the situation became more serious or something and that is why he let me know but I just have a feeling he wanted to humiliate me and hurt me even more by letting me know that he is so interested in another woman. It hurts so much...You know I always thought this could never happen to me, I thought I was smarter, I thought I could recognize players but the article you shared the other week gave me some insight to psychopaths and it is so true that they will always play you and beat you in games because they have no feelings. Apparently he didnt have any. But Im staying strong and no matter how much it hurts I am not going to contact him ever. I want to forget him forever and if he ever comes back I will ignore him. For me, he doesnt exist any more. I will mourn some more time and then try to move on. I hope I will be able to trust men again soon. Thank you for your support MOA. God bless you.; January 14, 2014 at 10:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Zoe,
"I shouldnt feel humiliated but I do. . .I feel like a fool. . . I thought I was smarter, I thought I could recognize players"

All of those feelings are normal dear, and given the circumstances, you're entitled to feel them. But please realize that other women reading this hear, and probably your friends and family, do NOT view YOU as the fool here - they view HIM as the fool and the one who should feel humiliated over his own treatment of others.

I'm sorry that this happened to you dear, but try to look at it for the GIFT that it actually is. Having experienced this, having been given this very valuable lesson in life dear - will only ensure that this never happens to you again. . .and that is actually a gift dear :-)

I've gone through similar events myself in the past. On occasion, some visit this site and challenge me and my views and mostly, my way of words with the women here. Some feel I'm too harsh, some feel I'm acting better than them because of my choice of words, and some feel I'm attempting to shame them from time to time.

But I do NOT say anything to the ladies here, that I haven't already said to myself. I've had the same exact harsh, reality driven talks with myself that I've had with all of you. I've had to look in the mirror, just like many here, and I've had to admit my mistakes. I've had to be accountable for my own actions and conduct and I've had to do the hard work of changing ingrained behaviors, just like others here. And I've made mistakes, just like others here.

And I've now been able to be THANKFUL for all of my experiences with the degenerates of society, and all of my mistakes - because those experiences and those mistakes have given me the insights that I share now with hundreds, if not thousands, of other women. . . as a gift dear ;-)

You are not alone dear. We've all been there and we're all only human, and as such, we are all thus flawed and we all make mistakes. If we were not, we'd be Gods - not humans.

So just know that you're human and cut yourself some slack for that. And know that these types of experiences dear - are the ones that will shape your life and your core being in POSITIVE ways moving forward, even if it doesn't seem that way right now :-)

Everything happens for a reason. . .; January 14, 2014 at 11:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey I'm back. So, the guy goes to my gym.. I kind of thought we wouldnt run into each other, but tonight I'm about to head in and I'm going to park and see his car. And freak out and go back home. But I don't know what to do or what's best in this situation? Should I avoid or march in there as if I didn't see his car? And then what happens if we see each other?? How should I act?; January 14, 2014 at 7:58 PM
Heidi said...: @ Anonymous / January 13, 2014 at 1:25 PM

Thank you, thank you. I agree 100% with you. He definitely can afford his own tickets and always paid for everything ( even when I offered) but quite frankly, even without spending a dime, the trip seems exhausting ( crowds, driving, arranging my children and their schedules, etc :). Just not up for all that with him. Or even with someone else. I"m leaning towards not going at all.

You are so right about listening to his random stories about New Years Eve girl. I couldn't care less about about hearing his regrets and tales of poor decision making while noshing on roadtrip snacks for hours on end. Recall the scene in AIRPLANE where Robert Hays was telling long-winded stories to the old lady and she hangs herself and turns to bones? That would be me in my football jersey.

No thank you.

Besides, I have a feeling that despite the enthusiastic texts regarding Superbowl and one *totally out of the blue* text message yesterday from one of his sisters ( "Heidi! Miss you! Lets meet for lunch soon!"), ole Aries is going to back out before I get the chance.

It is funny that you mentioned watching other men marry their psychos... ( Me too, girlfriend, I've seen it too many times to count!)..... Before NYE, when he started texting again ( actually in early Dec), my first thought was that he is getting serious with someone and wants to clear the air with me in order to move forward.

As a wise person once stated: Some relationships have expiration dates :); January 14, 2014 at 8:39 PM
Heidi said...: @ Gemini 50...
Fantastic post. I really like your suggestion of NOT responding to any texts or emails etc during the work day! What a great idea.

LOVE your quote : If it doesn't feel right... it isn't.

Thank you for that. I needed to hear it again :); January 14, 2014 at 9:00 PM
JD said...: Quick question MOA, why do you think guys will update their social media profile but not contact you? Or really what do you think is the psychology behind that with people and social media?

Why would guys do that?

I will update you all on my trip a little later.; January 14, 2014 at 10:46 PM
JD said...: Another question, I thought was a bit odd but maybe I am over analyzing. My last meeting and vacation over there, he changed his profile pic like 1-2 days after I arrived home. Back then I had access to his FB page. Then there went all the "likes" and comments from women like "sexy" "so handsome" "nice" "I like" etc.

So I did peep his page. Been back for a day now and he updated it and same and similar comments from women. But this time I can't "like" or comment (not that I would anyway LOL) because he unfriended me that time in early December.

Is he TESTING me again?

I just know, I am NOT going to contact him when I visit in June if the effort on his part as far as communication goes doesn't fly with me. It won't be worth it. So in this situation, after we've met etc. I should basically DISAPPEAR because it's like he is doing the same thing--yet can post a new pic on FB and reply to people?; January 14, 2014 at 11:14 PM
KK said...: Great news for MOA and all the ladies here...

I met Taurus this evening (he 'made up' for the last scheduled meeting) We had our plans set in advance (5 days), put a check on everything. He made the phone call to me on the night and at the time I suggested, we talked for about 35 minutes and confirmed everything.
Tonight he was very nice, he held doors for me, was funny - and even gave some subtle hints or clues about himself. He commented about how people really can't be that 'busy' - one girl he dated may have played really hard to get and didn't respond to a text he sent her for a week. He appreciates reciprocation - when he held the door for me (it was a set of double doors), I held the second one for him because I was in front now and he actually said "oooh, reciprocation!"
He says he's very consistent and loyal (so far that proves to be true), he had open communication and body language - everything just went really well, even though there were nerves for both of us and he openly admitted to his - I just take it as a compliment. It was a laid-back coffee date and well worth the hour and a half I spent with him.
He did offer to drive me home - now I have to say, I usually accept when the man offers to pick me up or drive me back home. This time I met him at our meeting place, on my own - I didn't allow myself to be dependent or even unsafe in some stranger's car. I was not driving today and so I did accept the ride home, we still talked on the way and I thanked him for the ride and thanked him for meeting me tonight. He said he would text a bit later and he did. He said he had fun, then a little bit later - he asked me if he would qualify for a 2nd appearance... he does. I asked what he had in mind and he said "Dinner". CHECK!
I accepted and we now have an 'official' date planned for Saturday dinner - we went through favorite restaurants, favorite foods, etc. And he listed one restaurant that I have not been to in a long time (and his favorites match my favorites) so he suggested we go to that one. Putting my wants ahead of his maybe. I did really wanna go there.
Then he says to me... and I have the biggest smile right now, he says: "Did you want to talk on the phone tomorrow?" and then follows it with: "I don't want to be too pushy" - LOL. Pushy? No way.. at least he's not a p****. He's going for what he wants and he's doing everything to a t - almost as if he read this blog.

I know it's just a date and just a guy and everything, but compared to what I did have before this... wow, big difference, I just feel lucky. And I wanted to share this with you all to lighten the mood a bit - we're so used to the losers and players and liars and all the wrong men, we're sometimes afraid to date others and try again and that's ok, but eventually you have to try, you have to get back out there and it's true: The sooner you get rid of the 'old', the 'new' can come, everything does happen for a reason, and we all have 'purged' for a reason.

Maybe now the good men are on their way...; January 15, 2014 at 1:15 AM
Anonymous said...: @MOA
Thank you MOA I think I feel a bit better today and my mind is just getting more clear, which feels good. You were right, anger can be powerful, I am so determined never to get in contact with him any more. I will try to learn from this experience and really see it as a gift and turn it to my advantage. I know it is the most painful experiences that help us truly grow and become better. I am planning to go out this weekend with friends, I hope it will help to distract myself from thinking about him.

It is weird some people think you are attempting to shame women here. I think there is always people who criticise everything and everyone because this is what they take pleasure and satisfaction in. Sad. Actually, it is amazing how much time you devote to helping each and every one of us, read our comments every day and respond in detail even when we ask about very similar issues. Your responses are very insightful, well put and to the point. And we do need this bc not everyone has friends or family to ask for advice or sometimes it is just better to hear an objective opinion. I can tell you that to me personally you helped a great deal bc I have been really down and I just felt stronger after reading your response yesterday and I am forever grateful for that. Even these seemingly little things like a bit of encouragement and kindness can help so much when someone's confidence and self esteem is in pieces. Thank you for sharing your ideas, experiences and wisdom and for helping all of us.
Zoe; January 15, 2014 at 8:12 AM
chk61 said...: Reading everyone's stories and letting time do it's work is helpful. I think my D.M. is described well by Mirror. As she wrote recently, a half interested man makes one or two lame attempts at contact (after his initial disappearing act) and then disappears forever. I think my D.M. falls into that category. We're coming up on 3 months of no contact. Sigh. Of course, I don't know what the future brings but 3 months is a long time and I am continuing to let go...he would be a bad pick anyway. Seriously.

Even yesterday I felt tempted to drop him an email, because I am rather curious about some treatment he was planning to receive for a mild medical condition and I never found out if it helped or not. But good sense prevailed and I stayed silent. He remains active on the online dating site we met on. So he obviously is doing OK.

I am also back on the site, and have corresponded with one or two men that could be worth meeting. I don't take ANY of the online stuff personally until I actually MEET the guy and even then, you have to be prepared for the worst. But before the actual meeting, flaking, not writing back, being busy are all things I expect and do not take personally when online dating. But it seems some men DO take it personally and feel the need to be abusive or sarcastic. One guy (who I was not interested in) wrote me the other day and I did not respond. Heck, I'm busy, I have a life, I got a bunch of emails to weed through and he's a total stranger on the internet. Two days later I get a sarcastic email: "Thanks for getting back to me." Normally I would just delete and block but I felt I needed to educate this guy. So I wrote him back explaining that I had been busy and that it is really best to not expect immediate responses from online dating, and that his second email was unnecessary and wished him luck on his search. THEN I blocked him.

Online dating is not for the faint of heart. Do you response or not respond? Sometimes if you respond with a "thank you but I don't think we're a match, best of luck in your search" some men then respond with an abusive reply or they want to know WHY. So I've gotten in the habit of blocking them if I send one of these messages to avoid this. I don't feel I owe men I have never met or talked to an explanation of why I'm not interested!

Anyway, 2014 for me is about getting healthier both physically and emotionally. In fact, I am planning on it!

Best to all the ladies and to Ms. Mirror.; January 15, 2014 at 9:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
Disappearing men generally don't change their ways dear, unfortunately. You can almost always expect a repeat of previous behavior because these men are emotionally immature and participate in mental manipulation and mind games, attempting to make the woman anxious, which works to their advantage.

It might be a test or it may be one of a multitude of other reasons. But honestly, the reason doesn't matter. What matters is that he's inconsistent and unreliable and appears to be emotionally immature - which disqualifies him as "relationship" material :-(; January 15, 2014 at 10:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
Well dear, the "why" isn't important. What's important is that he's inconsistent and unreliable and manipulative. What drives people to be that way could be a multitude of various things psychologically speaking.

There was a pretty comprehensive Facebook study performed, "The Dark Side of Facebook: Semantic representations of status updates predict the Dark Triad of personality." There's this triad of 3 personality traits referred to as "the dark triad" and they're indicative of psychopathic/sociopathic behavior:

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886913012890

"The test was designed to determine whether the users possessed extrovert, narcissistic, psychopathic, or neurotic characteristics. "

"Not surprisingly, they found the correlation you might expect. Those who possessed the “dark triad” of personality traits — psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism — had unusually revealing and disturbing Facebook statuses. They post “negatively charged or odd formulations more often,”

And by "negatively charged," that doesn't mean it's always about prostitutes or beheadings. An overuse of negative words and/or negative intentions for those posts can also indicate that the dark triad personality traits are present.

"How many Facebook friends a user has and how often they update their status can also provide clues about their latent dark side. "Facebook is about connecting people, but in so doing it has created a challenge of increasing competition in the market for social interaction," said Sikström. These days, artfully shot selfies and esoteric pop culture references just aren’t enough to make you stand out. Some may take more drastic measures to be noticed. "The competition for attention could actually end up getting people to reveal more of their dark side,” the professor concluded. Uh-oh."

Also, folks with tons of FB "friends" that they really don't know are known to be narcissistic and attention hungry, which drives their motivation for peculiar behavior (attention). It relates to insecurity and ego issues basically.

Regardless of the exact reason, the reality is that odd behavior on FB is indicative of odd behavior in real life situations. And the presence of the dark triad in an individual is a HUGE red flag for a potentially dangerous individual. The person may or may not ever act on that presence, but given the right circumstances and a perfect storm, they're certainly capable of it - which is why you steer clear of these individuals playing social media games.

They're signaling that they're not emotionally and mentally stable (online and/or offline).; January 15, 2014 at 11:16 AM
Bella said...: @Anonymous Jan 14, 8:32 AM, AKA Zoe
"I was and still am sooo hurt ladies and felt so humiliated"

Zoe my heart goes out to you. You sound like a super sweet nice person. MOA said almost everything I would have said but this guy sounds like a selfish, self centered, sociopath pig - sorry but no one is heartless enough to send that text. His text had no meaning at all. If he met someone he should not be telling you. Also whyyyyyyy say he is interesting but hasn't done anything yet? SICK behavior. You got very lucky. I have had guys do that to me to get a rise yup can you believe guys do this kind shit to people. Again so sorry you had to go through all that. He will be back at your feet be strong girl. Go see a movie with a girlfriend and have fun. You have nothing to be humiliated about, he is the dirty dog here.; January 15, 2014 at 12:04 PM
Bella said...: As MOA said above social media is really changing the way our society operates. Lots of red flags...people seem to think it is okay to act stupid, rude and cruel on there. Also notice how guys have found another avenue to play their mind games? My DM for example goes on there (Facebook) likes a few of my photos and messages me. He has been doing this for over a year. Then he disappears poof. Last year he claimed he was hacked and deleted his Facebook twice. I remember how shitty I felt when I looked and saw he was not in my friends list. Then I discovered he didn't delete me but he deactivated his account only to activate it again. He even posted that he is not deleting anyone but deactivating his account (2nd time round). He then activated it again and appeared again which is before I knew about this blog and what did I do? I messaged him first saying I missed him, where has he been blah blah. Notice how when you initiate their response time is so much slower? When they write you notice how much more they write and quicker they respond. Well we continued to talk after he activated his account and back in September he disappeared me again but he still had his account active so I wasn't as upset just knowing he may come back. Well on 12/12 he liked a ton of my photos (which were pretty damn hot from an event) and wrote me hello pretty lady. I did the NC rule and did not even open that message. Well now I have no idea if his account is still active or not because he doesn't appear in my invite friends to like a page where Facebook suggests friends to invite. It could be because I have not had contact with him or he deactivated his account again. I don't want to know because still seeing his name gives me that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I see his name somewhere I get so upset still. I know when I meet someone else he won't have this affect on me which I hate. I hate how I get so upset when I think about what could have been. I feel somewhat okay since last contact was from him with no response from me. I hope he does notice how I didn't respond, who knows he may not notice since he deactivated his FB account and I am too scared to check if he did. Amazes me how these guys control our emotions so much and make us feel like shit. I get most depressed when I think there is no one out there for me and that I am alone.; January 15, 2014 at 12:23 PM
Bella said...: I admit there are moments where I wish I responded to his message with a cold response "hi" or whatever. Not responding was a good idea but hopefully my silence sends him the message. I miss him I admit, I miss waking up to stupid funny sweet messages from him. I admit everyday I go online to see if he is on there.; January 15, 2014 at 12:25 PM
Bella said...: Oh one more thing I noticed. I feel much more down and upset right after my period for about a week. I get upset and miss him more during that time. Do you ladies feel the same during that time?; January 15, 2014 at 12:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @gettingtotheotherside,
I'd avoid it entirely just so as to not make yourself upset or put yourself in a compromising position if at all possible - protect yourself.

But if that isn't an option, I'd march in there like nothing happened and it's no big deal and I'd pretty much carry on about my business as usual. If HE approaches, be civil, but be very "busy" and move along quickly, no small talk, keep moving and be dismissive of him if necessary with something like, "As much as it's nice to chat, I really have to get moving here because I'm meeting up with friends afterwards and I'm on a pretty tight deadline tonight. It was nice seeing you." Then walk away ;-); January 15, 2014 at 1:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
A Match.com success story gals: http://youtu.be/7wq5elZaOW4

For those of you that are older and think it won't/can't/doesn't happen, it does. This couple is in their 40's, both have 3 children - one is a widower and the other was married 19 years I believe. He stated he had a lot of RESPECT for her when he heard her back story and admits he got nervous about their first date (at a restaurant, NOT on his sofa).

She admits she was fed up with dating and Troy was the LAST man on Match.com she decided she was going to talk to. He was straight and to the point with her from day ONE.

The good guys ARE still out there ladies :-); January 15, 2014 at 2:05 PM
Angela said...: This was the BEST article in this topic that I've ever seen (and I've read quite a few articles) - very insightful and helpful. You have no idea how many people you are helping. You couldn't be more right!!! Love it!; January 15, 2014 at 4:07 PM
Michelle said...: I'm not sure if I will get a response since this thread seems to be pretty old. I just want to say that I appreciate this article so much. I have been feeling really down over this guy and it find myself rationalizing reasons why I should reach out to him multiple times a day. I keep looking at this article so that I stay strong.

My guy has never completely vanished on me until recently. We have been dating for four months. It has been a very intense roller coaster of four months. After reading this article I know that I should have handled things differently. I was too available to him, and I forgave him too easily more times than I should have. I think I let him walk all over me. I even told him I really liked him after he made it a point to tell me how much he missed me, didn't want to loose me, and liked me. Although in hindsight I was sincere and I don't think he was.

I have let this guy get away with so much. I acted like everything was ok when he would blow me off, I let him not see me for five weeks during the second month of dating but still talked to him on the phone almost daily. I was available to him, and I was almost always the first to apologize on the few occasions we got into an argument.

However, we never slept together. He slept over many many times, but we never had sex. I wasn't supposed to fall for this guy. I met him too soon after coming out of a four year relationship, but I did. We met online (and yes I did read your warning about online dating), and we both agreed to casual dating. No sex unless we committed to go offline, and this is how it was. I was happy for the most part for the last two months until recently.

He convinced me to cancel my New Years plans and spend the night with him (not sex just sleep over). He said he wanted to spend it with me. I felt like we were progressing, he talked about future possibility, he was over all of the time, and he called regularly. He even made his way through a blizzard because he claimed to miss me. So I spent New Years with him. That night he asked me to take a photo of him with my dog. I thought nothing of it, but this is where everything fell apart...

He posted that photo on his dating profile. I took this very personally. It was like using my child to pick up other women, and a photo i took nonetheless. The day I called him out on this he was very apologetic. I didn't pick up the phone until he called the 5x in a row. He kept me on for two hours, but the next day the photo was still up. A sent a not so nice text, but not terrible, in the morning stating I couldn't believe after all of that he still had the photo up. He had logged on that day so he could have removed it. No answer, evening rolls around and it is still up. I went ballistic. He removed it, but I said some things I shouldn't have said because he was ignoring me and it made me even more angry (nothing abusive_. Two days later I did apologize to him for the way I attacked him. He said let's talk later, but texted me at night saying he was tired when it came time to talk, and he was tired again the night after that. Finally after some persuasion, and me feeling bad, he called during his lunch break. I got a whole 15 minutes to talk about this. He told me I reminded him of his verbally abusive ex wife , he told me I was stalking his profile (which I was not). He said him posting the photo was wrong, he wanted to move past this and we would talk later that night, and we made plans for the next day. He blew me off that night. I didn't hear from him. The next day he texted me a one liner that had nothing to do with meeting up and blew me off again. I decided then that I would just distance myself. I'm pretty sure he would respond if I texted him, but I have decided to not talk to him and wait for him to reach out to me.; January 15, 2014 at 4:53 PM
Michelle said...: What I wasn't expecting was him vanishing. We have never went more than two days without talking and here it is day four. He has updated his dating profile posting his income (to get girls as he is well off, but so am I). I'm not sure if I will ever hear from him again. At times I feel guilty and feel like it was my fault somehow, but then I stop and think about your value article, and even this one. My apology should have been enough. It has been hard keeping away from the phone. I really appreciate all that you have shared with us. I miss this guy a lot. I know he must not be that into me, but I can't help hoping that he will send a message that lets me know everything wasn't just a facade.; January 15, 2014 at 4:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Michelle,
This piece is still VERY alive and kicking, LOL ;-)

"That night he asked me to take a photo of him with my dog. I thought nothing of it, but this is where everything fell apart...He posted that photo on his dating profile."

WHOA, okay one sec. . .this is VERY troubling dear. And not for the reason you may think. I understand you took it personally and you should have. But even more troubling to me. . .is the fact that this man is using false images to convey a different "self" to others. Meaning - he's FAKING his profile. So what else is this man faking, ya' know? He's most likely giving the impression to others he has a pet, for all you know, he's claiming it's his. That might seem minor, but in actuality, that's MAJOR. It's flat out manipulation (assuming women like dogs, so now he wants to give the impression he does, too, when maybe he doesn't, who knows at this point.)

"The day I called him out on this he was very apologetic. . .but the next day the photo was still up."

This is very troubling. I'm seriously questioning this man's character and mental/emotional stability at this point.

"He removed it, but I said some things I shouldn't have said because he was ignoring me and it made me even more angry"

Do NOT, and I repeat, do NOT feel any remorse for tearing into a manipulative individual like this dear - NONE.

"He told me I reminded him of his verbally abusive ex wife , he told me I was stalking his profile (which I was not)."

Okay, this guy's an asshole. Men who are manipulative like this and drive women to the edge emotionally, only to then turn around and shift blame onto the WOMAN for his whacked behavior - are not worth the time of day dear. You want to be around men that lift you up and make you feel good about yourself, not ones who manipulate women emotionally and then make them feel bad about themselves and question themselves.

Men who have a long line of so-called "crazy" women in their past....most times, are the ENTIRE reason for the woman being crazy in the first place. Meaning, it's their manipulation that brings out the worst in the woman - it's not the woman. So gals, when you meet a man that's talking about all the "crazy" women out there....realize that nine times out of ten, these men are doing things to intentionally or otherwise to drive the women nuts. A guy who complains about dating crazy women, is many times responsible for that.

People either bring out the best in you, or the worst - and men who claim to date crazy women, are most likely pulling stunts that bring out the worst in them.

Get the hell away from guys like that.

"He said him posting the photo was wrong, he wanted to move past this and we would talk later that night, and we made plans for the next day. He blew me off that night. I didn't hear from him. The next day he texted me a one liner that had nothing to do with meeting up and blew me off again."

See what I mean? When you treat someone like this, do you honestly expect them to be pleasant with you? This guy's out there playing games and yanking emotional chains for a "rise" I think. My guts telling me he could even be dangerous (sociopathic).

Cont. . .; January 15, 2014 at 7:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "At times I feel guilty and feel like it was my fault somehow"

Seriously dear...think about this. Again, if you treated someone like this, would you really expect them to be all happy and pleasant with you afterwards? No, you wouldn't. If they flipped out, would it surprise you? No, it wouldn't. If you were sociopathic and emotionally immature, would you get a kick out of this, out of holding this type of power of people? Yep - you bet. And that makes this man very dangerous in my opinion.

He's a TOTAL FRAUD.

"My apology should have been enough."

I don't even think you owed this man one dear. What he did was DOWNRIGHT CREEPY.

"I miss this guy a lot. I know he must not be that into me, but I can't help hoping that he will send a message that lets me know everything wasn't just a facade."

Honey please, please - do NOT speak to this man EVER again. Seriously. Even you, yourself, right there in that sentence sense he's a dangerous fraud with your use of the word "facade." You have no clue who the hell this man really is or if ANYTHING he's told you or shown you is REAL. None. And it's not worth taking the risk to find out. If this man's capable of this type of fraud this early on, he's capable of perpetrating an even bigger one dear, without blinking an eye.

I have a feeling that this man is NOT the man you think he is dear. Where there is smoke, there is fire. And this jag has smoke swirling all around him, and I imagine being such a liar, his pants are on fire. I wouldn't believe a damn thing this man has ever told me at this point. Again, what he did was really quite creepy dear. Posting a photo of himself with a woman he's dating's dog on his online dating profile and then pretending as if it's no big deal??

That's WEIRD.

Run dear...run as fast as you can and don't EVER look back - just run, and when you get tired, keep running until you can't run anymore - run as far and as fast away from this man as you can. I'm stressing this for a reason - do not make yourself a willing victim here. If you do - a man like this WILL victimize you dear. RUN.; January 15, 2014 at 7:02 PM
Michelle said...: Thank you for the response. I know these things but sometimes you just need justification and hear the same things you are thinking from someone else. I really appreciate it. If I feel doubt again I will just look at this. It is hard to think clearly when emotions are involved.

I do feel betrayed and I agree he probably has lied about a lot of things that he has told me, and probably even about his feelings toward me. On top of all of that would you believe this..., the man is 36 and going to be 37 this week. I checked his profile one last time to make sure the photo was still down, and he changed his age to 28. If I was an unsuspecting twenty something year old that would be awful.

I will not respond when he texts or calls, because I have a feeling that when he is feeling lonely he just might.; January 15, 2014 at 10:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Michelle,
"On top of all of that would you believe this..., the man is 36 and going to be 37 this week. I checked his profile one last time to make sure the photo was still down, and he changed his age to 28."

WOW dear. See what I mean? This guy is dangerous and he appears to be a compulsive liar in addition to a master manipulator. For all you know, he IS 28 and he lied about being 36. Who the hell knows at this point? You don't know if anything this man has said is truth or not.

And ladies, take heed of this woman's story concerning online dating. Take note of the incredible lies and false impression being given by this man in his profile. When dating online, place your guards WAY, WAY up gals.

And dear - Do NOT EVER respond to this man - EVER AGAIN. Place him in your past because as you can see, he's not to be trusted :-(; January 16, 2014 at 10:03 AM
Michelle said...: I held his license for him, I know he is 36, plus he has too much gray hair for a 28 year old. He was 28 for a day, and now he is back to 36 again. I wonder how that was supposed to get by all the other women he was talking to as a 36 year old? Or worse, I hope he didn't take some unsuspecting 22 year old.

Anyhow I'm not looking at him anymore. I get that he is bad news. I feel bad because I usually don't get tricked like this. I really let my guard down, and allowed myself to be treated in a way that makes me feel ashamed. Despite all of these things he really hurt me. For awhile I felt like we had a relationship growing, and I thought that he cared for me, but he didn't because he just vanished.

We spent countless hours on the phone, and he was around so much that there are good memories. I need time to get over this. I am just happy that I never slept with him. I have a gut feeling that I have not heard the last from him, but hearing all of this from someone else has empowered me to ignore him when he reappears.

Yes ladies beware. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Thanks once again.; January 16, 2014 at 11:39 AM
Zoe said...: @Bella: Thank you so much for your kind words!
And you should try to be strong to! You seem to be a very loving and caring person, and you see it clearly how much a DM can control our feelings and mood and everything. I have been there. I remember when my DM ignored me or didnt text or call, I used to be impatient the whole day, sometimes maybe even a bit rude to others who were around me...When he texted (towards the end of the relationship even when he just checked my message on FB bc you can see it there), I felt better. How pathetic that is....He controlled my days, my nights...I remember I didnt even mute my phone during the night waiting for his calls.. So sad...Then when a good friend called I wasnt happy for them, I was disappointed that it wasnt HIM. It is so not me....I am not like that. I dont like the person I became as a result of dating him. And I realized all that after constant reflection and thinking just now after I decided to go into NC 3 day ago. A DM is like a drug. They get you hooked, manipulate you, emotionally abuse you, it is like one of the worst addictions. You yourselves have to decide to stop it though, and trust me it is soo empowering if you make this decision and give up all the toxic hopes and reunion fantasies. Block him from FB, block his number, everything. I know its hard to do bc you still love him and hope he might message again but trust me it is better for you if he doesnt and dont even give him an oppprtunity to do it. It is just a little power to begin with especially if it was him who broke up, but it is something you decided on and you take it from there.

You start controling your own life and empower yourself. I have been feeling a lot stronger and better and starting to be me again now for three days and I am soo thankful for MOA for this thread, the article and all the advice. This is my third day of NC after I blocked him from everywhere and today the first time in months I feel strong. I do not have the temptation to contact him anymore. Today is the first day I didnt cry. I have been crying so much recently OMG. I have been listening to a lot of music that is great help too. In case you guys need motivation, these are my favourite empowering break-up songs, I have been singng them out loud lol for 3 days, sometimes crying, but it does help.It is especially effective if a DM contacted you again and you need strength not to respond. Because as you can see girls here from the stories and MOA's advice, you better run from these men they just bring sadness and misery. Dont want someone who just makes you cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEIgpWo-kkw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFVnVuTcz9I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM (I love the clip when especially the end when the guy collapses and she gets back her heart again and then just walks away stepping over him)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOKI_tIBWVI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DsPrEcvIvI

Zoe; January 16, 2014 at 12:05 PM
Anonymous said...: I LOVE YOUR BLOG. You have no idea how much you are doing for women out there. I hope you can offer some words of advice for me.

I met this guy on facebook (he sought me out by way of a message and friend request). I am not into internet dating but I am single and he seemed decent so I obliged him. A few days later, he asked for my number which I gave to him. A few phone calls later, things get intense. He says he is really into me and begins to take the conversation towards sexual matters. Huge red flag for me of course. I bring this up reminding him that he picked the wrong girl as he should have known from my profile and photos.He tones it down and explains that he only sees this as an important part of a relationship and doesn't want to date a prude. Next red flag, he invites me over to see him first which I politely decline. We argue back and forth about this and he lets it go saying that he had to travel abroad and won't make it to see me until he gets back.
Phone calls continue with other suspicious behavior e.g ending the conversation quickly with the excuse of going to bed when he doesn't know I can tell that he is on facebook and other social networks hours after he is supposed to be asleep. I eventually had a talk with him saying that I didn't like being played and he was free to move on and let me be. He answers that he is not being encouraged by my style (which basically is me not being desperate and mirroring him) . He became more loving, mature and attentive. No sex talk and all.
Problem now. He eventually goes abroad. We still haven't met. And poof. For a month, not a word or email. Then, he reappears. His excuse? He didn't have my number handy as he was using a foreign phone and did not have internet access. He finally located where he had saved my number and now, we can continue from where we left off. Classic story. I know in my head that something is not right but I do have feelings for him now unfortunately. He called 3 more times after that and I was aloof and cold. I did not quiz him at all. I regret it now and I wonder if his excuse was valid and I may have missed out on something good. He has not called back and I suspect he is pissed off now.
How do you deal with this when you do have feelings and don't want to throw away the opportunity but at the same time don't want to be played which is still a possibility here?; January 16, 2014 at 6:09 PM
BoysSuck said...: I've been a long time lurker here and it helped me a lot. Thank you MOA and to all the ladies. I have never experienced a DM before and was stumped. This article helped me understand the "behavior"

My questions is- Why offer the advice of "If he wants you, he will know where to find you" If DMs are so horrible and tend to be poor mates, why even bother trying to lure them back? Shouldn't it be cut them out of your life and cut them out forever? Why wait and see or even hope they return? Isn't scum exactly what it is, scum?

FYI my DM came back. He got IGNORED. No one treats me like I'm invisible and dead. I'm alive and loving life. I shut this fool out the moment I realized I was getting ignored and will continue to ignore if he dares come around again.; January 17, 2014 at 12:18 AM
Anonymous said...: @Zoe

Thanks for sharing your song list. I think music is great in helping you heal. One song that really helped me is Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHp2KgyQUFk

It's been a year since my boyfriend betrayed my trust and thankfully as of the new year, I feel indifferent when I think about him although it was really hard since we still work at the same place.

MOA's advice and experiences from all the ladies have helped me stay strong and I realized that the best thing was to maintain no contact as I tried being friends with him after he apologized after one month of no contact but he just kept manipulating me. Better to stay away. I wish I had discovered MOA's blog prior to meeting him.; January 17, 2014 at 12:18 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,
I'd like your opinion please re: DC. As you know, we are just friends. Were co-workers for 15 years beginning 25 yrs ago, and always helped each other out. Stayed in touch off/on, no drama, and he's stayed at my house 4x over past couple years when he's come up to visit his family.

Hadn't heard from him since September, he blocked his FB page in Sept so no one could post anything (or at least I couldn't post or see posts), when I asked him about not being able to post him a message, he ignored me. I added him to my list of blocked numbers on NYE, and by coincidence he tried to contact me minutes later because he needed a place to stay to come up for his mother. He sent me that stupid text on his other line, all about him, with no response from me.

Well, 1/9 I rec'd an empty text on cell from an odd gmail account. I felt it was someone who I had blocked checking to see if my phone number was active. I ignored it.

Last night I rec'd a text from DC> Do you hate me?

I waited until I got home (1/2 hr), thought about if/how to respond, thought about the explanation I'd give him -- tell him that it's not about him, that maybe my actions are about me, tell him about crashing and burning NYE, etc., etc., then thought about everything we've learned here, held on to my Power and just answered his question> No

An hour later DC> Massive dislike?

And now all I can think of is WTF is wrong with these guys, and I ignore it. Then DC calls. I don't answer. He's left a message, and I don't want to hear it.

I responded to his text @ 4:30 this AM> No.

So, I was thinking that I might tell him if he wants, we can get together for a drink and chat the next time he comes up. Here's my question: Do you think it has any value for women who are friends with the kind of men who are described in abundance here to explain to them the impact of their actions on women?

I don't hate DC, I am not even mad at him. I am just sick of his behavior and want no part of it. During his New Years trip up here to see his mother (he stayed at a hotel), he spent the night before his flight back with GF. And I heard her angst afterwards when he didn't call her when he got home, etc. I don't say anything, she knows she is actively participating in the situation and has no one to blame but herself.

So, any value at sharing the woman's perspective to a guy like this?

thx, and I did see your post re: the Shame book... it's a slow read right now because of the football playoffs and I've just been busy lately. But when I'm done, I'll let you know if anything good. :-)

Stay strong ladies -- take care of yourselves first, and don't be afraid of the quiet.; January 17, 2014 at 5:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 16, 6:09 PM,
"he only sees this as an important part of a relationship and doesn't want to date a prude."

A wise man knows that there really is no such thing as a female prude, LOL. Meaning, if a man knows what he's doing, he can tap into a woman's sexuality - but he has to PROVE himself and EARN that first ;-) And my response that that immature statement above would've been, "yea, and I feel that knowing the individual first is an important part of a relationship and I don't have anonymous sex with strangers."

"invites me over to see him first which I politely decline. We argue back and forth about this"

This guy's used to playing women like a fiddle and when he doesn't get his way, his immaturity surfaces :-(

"I eventually had a talk with him saying that I didn't like being played and he was free to move on and let me be. He answers that he is not being encouraged by my style (which basically is me not being desperate and mirroring him)."

You were exactly right to immediately release this man and make it clear that you were not afraid of doing so. NEVER encourage men to start off on the "sexual foot" or you'll end up a booty call or a hookup. If he would've said that to me, me being me, I would've shot right back with, "yea, and I'm not encouraged by YOUR style, which is why I'm telling you that this isn't going to work."

"He became more loving, mature and attentive. No sex talk and all."

It's so funny how being your "true" self (saying no, not complying, disagreeing at times instead of worrying about being so nice all the time to them) actually draws them towards you, LOL ;-)

"He called 3 more times after that and I was aloof and cold. I did not quiz him at all. I regret it now and I wonder if his excuse was valid and I may have missed out on something good."

Nah, don't think like that dear. There were red flags waving all over the place with this one and honestly, when a man is this immature and this used to immediately getting his way with women and calling the shots with them and controlling them emotionally through manipulation and guilt - he's signaling that he'd be a crappy mate, spouse and/or boyfriend. So don't sweat this at all because it was bound to happen, it's in HIS nature and really has nothing to do with YOU dear.

"How do you deal with this when you do have feelings and don't want to throw away the opportunity but at the same time don't want to be played which is still a possibility here? "

You have to accept the reality dear. You have to "qualify" men as relationship material or not prior to becoming too emotionally invested with them. And when they're acting immature and attempting to manipulate you into the bedroom quickly, they're signaling to you that they are not ready for a real relationship and that they're used to leading the "hookup" lifestyle, which disqualifies them as boyfriend material :-(

I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you wanted to hear. But the reality dear, is that it doesn't pay to attempt to pound a square peg into a round hole. In order to save yourself from being used and/or played, you have to exhibit good judgment for yourself and accept that this man isn't ready for something real and he's superficial and only vibes off of instant gratification. He's not relationship material and he's shallow. In the long run, it wouldn't last anyway and that's not because of you, that's because of him and the lifestyle he's used to leading :-(; January 17, 2014 at 10:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @BoysSuck,
"Why offer the advice of "If he wants you, he will know where to find you" If DMs are so horrible and tend to be poor mates, why even bother trying to lure them back? Shouldn't it be cut them out of your life and cut them out forever? Why wait and see or even hope they return? Isn't scum exactly what it is, scum?"

Because people have free will dear and they need to exhibit good judgment when making decisions and in the end, they get to use their free will to decide for themselves. Some women aren't ready to let go, some hold out hope and some grant the benefit of doubt. It's easy for me to say walk away, but it's not easy for them to do that. So I say that to not so much as a suggestion to lure the man back, as much as I say that to make them realize that in the end, the choice is theirs and they need to be accountable for that and they need to stop "doing" things to try to remain on the man's radar and they need to just "detach" emotionally by doing nothing, which gives them the space to begin to do that.

In otherwords, it's more about getting the woman to stop "doing" things so she can emotionally detach and attempting to help her realize that she shouldn't have to "do" that to hold a man's attention. It's about learning to exhibit self-control and self-discipline, which can really help to cease a woman from throwing herself headfirst into a bad situation.

It's not so much about luring them back as it's about giving the woman methods to help the her "break the spell," the addiction, by detaching herself and learning how to do that successfully on her own :-); January 17, 2014 at 10:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"Do you think it has any value for women who are friends with the kind of men who are described in abundance here to explain to them the impact of their actions on women?"

Me personally, based on my own experiences - yes, I do believe it has value.

I would NOT do this with a man I just met or one I was dating that was acting like a fool, I wouldn't bother. But when it comes to long-time male friends with no romantic interest, yep, I let em' have it, LOL. But not in the way you might imagine. I don't plow into them immediately and emotionally. Instead, it's more like a slow climb to the real gut punch, LOL.

For instance, what I've done in the past is, when these topics come up, I remain calm, always start off calm and rational and inject humor to lessen the blow at first and just make it like a jabbing sort of banter at first. Once they see that, they feel comfortable opening up and they also take you more seriously because you're rational and you're not emotionally involved and acting out on it in a way that makes them pull back from you.

And then during that phase, I let them roll. I let them get it all out, make their points, etc. and I simply sit there, slightly smiling to keep a humorous tone and taking it all in and I don't say a word during this phase.

Once I've let them get it all out and I've been a good friend and I've listened to their side....I then get into the nuts and bolts with them. And when I do that, I keep the focus ON THEM and THEIR behavior. I ignore all the shit they're saying about women, and I keep the entire focus on THEM. So for instance, when a man is like, "Well she did this" or "she said this" or "she made me feel like this" - I stay focused on them, on what they can control which is themselves, and then I place the mirror in front of them so-to-speak and I make them look at themselves and the impression they're unknowingly giving to others with their behavior and attitude. In those cases, I usually respond along the lines of, "yes, i understand that but YOU did this FIRST" or "yes, i understand that, but you do realize that your reaction wasn't appropriate" or "yes, i get that, however, you need to realize that when you do this or that and you treat people in this manner, this is the overall public impression that others have of you" - stuff along those lines. I empathize and I sympathize and I listen, but no matter what they say, I keep the focus on THEM and THEIR behavior to drive my points home.

So in this case, if he's going to ask why YOU are behaving towards him in the manner you are currently, my response would be something along the lines of, "Look, I like you as a person, don't get me wrong. But when you treat me like shit and you disrespect me, what do you expect? When you ignore people and you're selfish, what do you expect? Do you think I'm some dumbass that doesn't respect herself or that needs male attention so bad that I'm going to let someone ignore me and treat me like shit - and then try harder to win them over? I'm not insecure and you treating me as if I am, is incredibly insulting to me. You insult my intelligence when you treat me like that and you insult me as a woman when you treat me like that. I'm not some piece of garbage you can dispose of at the curb - I am a human being and I've been a good friend to you - and I don't deserve that shit, nor will I stand for it."

Cont...; January 17, 2014 at 10:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And while you state this, you remain calm and even keep a slight smile on your face to let the guy know you're not going to slug him or anything, LOL. And then you listen to the man's response (even if he tries to defend himself, do NOT engage him in a debate like that at this time because most likely he'll get defensive and do just that, so just listen.) And once he's gotten his response out and tried to lure you into an argument, you don't engage him in that, you simply say with a smile, "Feel better now?" And then you say something like, "Are we done with this conversation? Are we good, we understand one another now?" And once he concurs, you immediately change the subject and say something like, "Okay good. How about another drink, I'm done with this shit, let's move onto something else" and you say this with a smile and you can even take a jab at the guys chest physically prodding him to snap out of it. Then you lighten the atmosphere with humor and laughs and you DON'T revisit the conversation again that day.

While you may be like, "Wah?" after hearing that, let me tell you, this WORKS at a man's MIND. It slowly, over the course of the next few days or weeks, just eats and eats and eats away at his mind. Trust me, men take that home and they DO think on it, even if they pretend they're not or they attempt to dismiss you during the conversation and/or even mock you (which I've also had happen). And when they mock me, I don't get mad - instead, I laugh at them right back and I say, "Whatever ass, you'll learn. One day you'll learn and when that happens, you'll have me to thank, you'll see." And they're usually blown away by a woman that can hold her own like that and be straight up, without being emotional and causing them to shut down and not trust you with a conversation like that.

I've done this many times and a few of my male friends, as a matter of fact one of them very recently a few months ago that I thought wasn't "hearing" me when we had a conversation like that, he said to me, "You know I value your opinion. Whenever I have a problem like this and don't know what to do, you know I always come to you and let you hit me with it."

So even when it appears that they haven't heard a word you said and they mock you, dismiss you, minimize what you're saying etc. and you just plow through that and stand strong....know that when their home alone, your words are RINGING through their head so damn loud, they lose sleep over it. And that's because they respect you and they respect your opinion as a woman - and they take what you say to heart.

Handling my long-term male friendships like this dear, has garnered me their respect. They refer to me as "one of the guys" because I don't sugarcoat shit with them but I don't freak out on them either. That has earned me their respect and because of that, they now value my opinion and have let me into their inner worlds - the ole' boys club, LOL. And it's been fascinating to me at how over time, they feel safe to open up about things that they fear talking to other men about for fear of ridicule and whatnot. And the more they value your opinion, the more of an internal "thump" your words hits them with. As you can see men do think about this stuff over the long term and your words eat away at them as I stated above - and as you can see is already happening with this man, since a month later, he's now so suddenly concerned with your opinion of him - so don't be afraid to give him what he's asking for dear...your honest, cut and dry opinion.

Cont...; January 17, 2014 at 10:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: You actually hit someone internally harder when you express your opinions without judgment and emotion. It's like an earth shattering thump. When you're too emotional it comes off as judgmental and that's when they have a tendency to dismiss you more - the more emotion, the more dismissive. You can "freak out" on a male friend without actually exhibiting the expected emotional display of doing so - and when you do that without emotion, your words hit home with an earth shattering thud. And it's one that they can't ignore, no matter how hard they try - because it was dished out cold, and straight, which is the language of men and one they understand and respect :-)

So stand strong dear, inject humor, remain calm and serious, listen a long time, don't let mocking or dismissiveness distract you (plow through it), be understanding, don't worry about being "nice" - and then let him have it, LOL ;-)

So don't sugarcoat it for him, give him your real honest opinion of him and his behavior but do so in a respectful, rational manner so that he takes it VERY seriously.

He'll probably thank you for it later ;-); January 17, 2014 at 10:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
I should add this, since I have a feeling that his treatment of your GF is going to come up, too. When broaching that subject (along with his ignoring you and then expecting favors over lodging after doing so), you keep the tone again focused on HIM and HIS behavior.

Something along the lines of, "Look, I like you as a person, even though you disrespect me at times. But I don't have to date you. And yes, I know my GF bears some responsibility for her own actions here, I get that. But we're not talking about her right now, we're talking about you, and those are her own issues for her to work out herself. But with regards to your treatment of me as a friend and of her as a romantic interest, I have to admit, I'm not impressed by your behavior, your treatment of women and your character as a man. And you need to realize that when you behave like a childish, selfish fool - that's the impression that YOU are giving to others of YOURSELF. So when people pull away from you, don't be mystified as to why that's happening. It's happening because YOU are creating the impression of YOURSELF and then YOU are projecting it to others - you're projecting to others, and to women, that you're a jackass basically. I'm sorry bud, I don't mean to hurt you, but you're here asking and as your friend - I'm not going to lie to you.

You've made me feel bad about myself and you've made my GF and many other women feel bad about themselves too by acting entitled and using people without conscience. And the reality is that when you come off like that to others, you're only going to end up turning people off and pushing them away. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be mean - but again, you're here asking and as your friend, I'm not going to lie to you....you make people feel like shit. And when you do that, you isolate yourself from them."

And you lay it all right in his lap. And you let that sit with him, work on his mind, about how he's treating others. You don't try to console him, you sit and you let awkward silence exist so that it sinks in that you're dead serious. And you leave that with him.

Again, expect defensiveness and mocking and minimizing as a self-defense mechanism. But work through it, plow through it like a soldier without emotion and reaction - and flip it right back into his lap again by laughing at him jokingly and pointing out, "Hey, you asked for it bud."

Take NONE of it on yourself, do not say one word or get into it with him about your GF and her actions here (that's an entirely different conversation), and keep the focus on HIM and his treatment of others and how it's a turnoff. Be honest and be your true self while remaining respectful and standing strong.

And if it goes haywire for any reason and he gets pissed and storms out, that's okay. Order yourself another drink and let him walk.....he'll be back in a month or in a few, and he'll have rectified in his mind that what you said was the honest to God's truth, and he asked for it - and he can't fault you for that.

Be strong dear, be honest, exhibit compassion and understanding, say what you have to say and don't sugarcoat it, let him open up and trust you with this conversation, be a good listener, do not let him off the hook for HIS behavior and treatment here of you and others - and then cut the conversation short and immediately swing into lightening the mood.; January 17, 2014 at 11:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Ugh, one last word dear, LOL...I often use this phrase to lighten the mood with one particular friend and now, he even uses it on himself and a mutual male friend also uses it on him....it's become an inside joke to an extent, LOL.

But when he whines or gets defensive or complains or tries to be manipulative and place blame on others, shifting it away from himself, I flat out tell him "Dude, put your big-boy pants on. Suck it up."

He'll call me from time to time now and he'll say, "[Name], I put my big boy pants on today." Or he'll say, "I've got my big-boy pants on today." And our mutual male friend, whom he works for, uses it on him regularly now as well. At work he'll say, "Hey [Name], put your damn big-boy pants on and just get it done."

LOL - it's lightened the intensity in many a conversation and it's now become an inside joke ;-) Friends now use it as a reminder for when someone needs to "man up" and just take it on the chin.

So if he starts to whine or get defensive, you can always throw that one out there and tell him to just put his big-boy pants on LOL ;-); January 17, 2014 at 11:29 AM
Gemini50 said...: @Ms. Mirror, 1 of 2

Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it. As I read this tonight, I realized I’m not ready to talk to him in the fashion you describe. I think the following will help explain why.

As I type this, I am chuckling to myself and so proud of myself because of what you will read at the end.

DC responded to my 2nd NO response at 6:00am> I know you’re angry, and I have TRULY searched to find what I’ve done so that I can specifically be apologetic, but I am at a loss.

I didn’t see the message until 8 AM, and now I AM getting pissed. I feel as though he is badgering me, disrespecting me. I’ve told him I don’t hate him, I’ve told him I don’t dislike him, and just because he’s decided to pop back up after 3 months but has discovered I’ve blocked him from my cell, he’s acting like this?

So, yeah, I’m getting pissed. I respond at 8:30am> I am starting to get angry. Did you ever think that maybe it’s NOT about u? Did it ever cross ur mind that it might be something going on with ME? Look at the mssgs u have sent… they have been about u and how the friendship has impacted u. Ok. I get it. I am working thru some stuff right now. U check-out and its acceptable, so can I.

DC responds 9:00am> Absolutely true. I apologize if I made it about me. It was not my intent. If I can be there for you in any way, please know that I am.

I didn’t respond. And you know what I thought of his text? BS! That is just pure BS! I’m just seeing BS, BS, BS all over this.

So then I get a text from GF at 9:45am telling me that DC has been trying to get ahold of me and she invites me over for a beer after work.; January 17, 2014 at 7:57 PM
Gemini50 said...: 2 of 2

So I go to her place after work.

First thing she says is DC is trying to reach me. I tell her, “I took care of it.” She’s all interested. I told her I just don’t want to deal with him right now. And here’s the magic ladies…. Then she says, “You know he’s coming up here right?”

(No, I did not know.) I say> Really? When?

Monday thru Friday, and he’s staying with GF – ON HER COUCH!!! (because she’s got her grandsons at home, she won’t let him sleep in her bed.) She goes on to explain that he was going to pitch a tent at the Air Base, but it’s going to be too cold next week.

OMG! I couldn’t stop from smiling and chuckling to myself. It all made sense. THAT’S why he’s been texting and blowing up my phone… he needs a place to stay for the week.

Me (cool as a cucumber)> Why doesn’t he stay with Writer?

GF> He has a studio apt.

Me> So, they are guys, he can sleep on his floor on a blow-up.

GF> Yea, I know. I asked the kids if they were ok with him staying here, and they said yes. Plus, he’s been saying that he’d like to get to know the boys so this will give everyone a chance.

I wondered, “Did she really say that?” but I didn’t say a word. She knows full well what she’s getting into with this guy.

I stay for a couple beers, and can’t stop smiling inside. I am giving myself high-fives in my mind, and my heart and soul is skipping in joy because I think FOR THE FIRST TIME I was able to identify BS as soon as it came my way. Not AFTER the fact, or in the middle when things don’t add up and you start to question yourself, but BAM! Fate stepped in with my blocking his number NYE, and I didn’t react to his drama texts later – I mean, really, who uses an alternate number to text you after you’ve blocked their number? Someone who does not respect you, that’s who.

This isn’t boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, but it is a man trying to use a woman for what he wants, when he wants, without any consideration for her. And this is behavior he’s admitted to towards many women for sex. Sorry dude, not this time.

Oh boy, next week is certainly going to be interesting Ms. Mirror.; January 17, 2014 at 8:02 PM
Anonymous said...: From me @Anonymous Jan 16, 6:09 PM,
Thank you so much for your advice Aphrodite. I will put it to good use.; January 17, 2014 at 9:51 PM
Anonymous said...: It's been one year since I started reading your site MOA and four months of no contact with DM. It's over between me and the boytoy too. Although I was flattered to be desired by someone so young and sweet, the situation left me feeling unfulfilled and empty. The boytoy experience was a balm for my hurt over the past few months (and, I won't lie, a stroke to my ego) but nevertheless the DM pain remains. I've been thinking a lot of DM lately - recently looked at the photos I have of him, reread the letters, revisit our conversations in my head, etc... My heart still hurts but I must stay strong as I know deep down that he was not good for me. Although our connection was intense it was also toxic and his ability to just disappear for weeks on end was so upsetting. Thanks for all your wisdom and good advice. I read your page every day and it gives me strength to stay on course with NC as I know that is the only healthy route. I went back on the dating site that he and I met on, updated my profile and am going to try my hand at meeting someone who is interested in having a healthy relationship. He is still in my favorites list on the dating site - do I delete him from favorites or just leave him be? I saw his updated profile with his new city but did not click on it and (after rereading them) I deleted all our correspondences. I also deleted Yahoo Messenger and Skype from my computer. Extreme perhaps, but I don't want to go on and see him - ignoring me. Too painful. Feeling so extremely sad recently. I should delete all his photos from my computer too but can't yet muster it. Thanks for all you do MOA. Your words of wisdom and no nonsense philosophy have helped me tremendously. Onward and upward!

Astrid; January 17, 2014 at 11:50 PM
chk61 said...: Thank God for this board. I continue to struggle with this feeling like I should just break the ice and drop him a line. I have rationalized contacting him from many angles. One of my latest rationalizations is that by opening up contact, I can try to be "friends" with him, to again be reminded of his human faults, which would or could lessen this imagined power he has over me (which I am definitely inventing and enabling in my own mind).

The truth is that I want to meet a man who cares for me, who wants to be in a relationship with me and who will do what it takes to make that happen. And although Gem50 and I are apparently the "elder stateswomen" here, most over-50 women would agree that trying to find an appropriate partner at this age is no walk in the park. Yes, anything is possible so I try to keep an open mind and heart.

He has let almost 3 months go by without contacting me. What does that say? Hellooooooo, chk61! Wake up and smell the coffee!!

I felt like I was coming *very* close to contacting him today, after almost 3 months of no contact.

Came back here and read a few stories and reminded myself that it's probably not a good idea.

Thanks all.; January 18, 2014 at 9:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Well good for you dear :-) This stuff takes time, it's not easy and things don't happen overnight. But if you stay the course and sharpen your skills along the way, you suddenly realize even without warning - that it's working ;-)

(BTW, if you're ready for another short read about an interesting topic along these lines, pick up the book, "Find Out Who's Normal and Who's Not: The Proven System to Quickly Assess Anyone's Emotional Stability" by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D. It gives examples of neighbors, people in the public, people at work -all walks of life - and each are subtle in nature, thus helping you really pick up on the small things that don't add up.)

This guy's a user indeed, but that really shouldn't come as a surprise because he signaled that early on in that conversation you once shared here that DC and Writer I believe were having about women, and about their thoughts on them and their methods when dating them.

Either way, I know talking to a friend in the manner I shared previously is tough, but if you do it once, it becomes easier and honestly, you'll realize very soon that the person suddenly gains a ton of respect for you as well.

If you're not ready, that's fine. But the fact that you're getting pissed and angry will eventually help you overcome that hurdle I believe ;-); January 18, 2014 at 10:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Astrid,
"He is still in my favorites list on the dating site - do I delete him from favorites or just leave him be?"

I'd leave that be for now. Because any move there in either direction will most likely be (mis)construed by him as an emotional reaction that's meant to garner his attention.

"Feeling so extremely sad recently."

That's because you're revisiting things one last time dear, before completely letting go. You may not realize it right now, but I think that's what that is....emotionally, you're on the brink of fully letting go once and for all. So hang in there, you're on the right track and when it's all said and done, you're going to feel very good about how you protected yourself and stood your ground and didn't cave. That may not have hit you completely just yet - but someday it will - and you will realize just how strong you are then and it will feel great ;-); January 18, 2014 at 10:21 AM
Bella said...: @Zoe

Thank you for your sweet words. I have been following posts and actually posted my comments back to you but I was posting under Anonymous :) Man we are or went through the exact same experience it is almost identical. Yes they have controlled our feelings mood and everything so scary!!! Same thing I would be moody and patient all day with all my family and friends. Now I feel so bad because they had no idea why I was acting that way, probably thought I was such a bitch :(( I would get a text, FB chat message, call, you name it, I would ignore it if I was in middle of conversation with him in fear of losing his attention, now I look back and feel like a loser. I would even have phone on vibrate and read his messages during meetings, training sessions and while sitting with boss what the hell!!!!. Zoe I also left phone on during night and slept in case he messages so I would wake up to respond. My life evolved around looking to see if he was online, for how long and why he went offline. I did the same on FB would check to see when it says "seen on..." Now I am too scared to check friends list in case he deactivated his FB AGAIN! A month ago I heard from him and didn't message back. FB now doesn't suggest him as a friend when I check out new pages you can invite your friends to like so I am assuming he deactivated his page. They really manipulate us so much. Keep us up late at night wondering when they will text or message us. Notice how happy and at peace we are when we are not under some guy's control and put our phones on silent or mute when we sleep? I think as women get older we get more anxious that we won't meet someone and that we are getting older. If I can go back in time man there are so many things I would tell my younger self but life is about making mistakes, recognizing them and not making them again. One thing I would say is never waste time getting hung up on some guy who treats you like shit :) I am still not quite over my DM I need to get there. I still wake up at night and check phone to see if he is online. Yup I admit it is wrong but like a bad drug takes time to detox. He contacted me last on 12/12 and I didn't respond. I hope to God he does go back on there and message me again. I sometimes wonder does he even think about me? Think about the girl who didn't respond to him? I will keep waiting to see if he does make a re-appearance ladies. Want to laugh? Some of these DMs are arrogant pigs. Last time we talked he told me after I told him oh I thought of you when I saw this and he said "You can't stop thinking about me" or "You think about me all the time" something like that....I said "don't you" and he said "yeah". But as MOA says actions speak louder than words because words are just words.; January 19, 2014 at 1:11 PM
Zoe said...: @Bella
Yeah, I can totally relate to everything you went though. God, I used to check my phone every 10 min even at work hoping I would get a text from him. I kept logging in to fb just to check if he was online, if he wasn't then when was the last time he was online, if he was online I was wondering why he didn't message me, II kept checking his friends list, posts he commented on or liked etc. I was stalking him all the time and it was such a waste of time and so pathetic...I am ashamed of myself actually but he gave me so little of his attention and time sometimes (but just enough to keep me interested) that I wanted more and more...like the worst drug ever. If I got my daily text or call I had a good day but if not, I was worried, insecure and felt unwanted and abandoned.

Maybe we were dating the same man lol....Sometimes I feel I just want to write his name here as a warning to all the girls out there...This is the dick you should all avoid lol. Of course I am not going to do that but he would deserve it. I have been doing NC for a week now and there was days I felt really strong and determined like the first couple of days and for exemple today, but a few days ago I was missing him so much. I was crying again. I went to a party the day before and was taking to quite a few guys there but I had to realize that my ex is just so much more good looking and fun to talk to than any guy I saw there and yeah, I still have feelings for him. But I am trying to stay strong and I do know that soon I will meet someone amazing. And don't worry, you will too!!

I don't think you should be afraid of checking his FB. I do think you should go check it and actually block it if it is still active. Also block his number, his email, skype, everything. Since I did that and I know there is no way he can contact me, I feel so liberated. I don't spend hours a day checking his account, watching his pics or whether he is online, when my phone rings or I get an email, I do not feel anxious any more bc it can't be him. That constant anxiety and nervousness is all gone. It is a small power but it is power. And it empowers you to know that you control things now (even if there is nothing to control at the moment bc he might be seeing someone else). I have been spending my days more usefully since I blocked him and I feel I am a better person, more patient and caring toward family and good friends. So don't keep waiting on him. Not just bc he doesn't deserve it but why wait for anybody? When you wait, your precious time, your life is wasted. You would not be happy with him anyway. And until you are over him you are not ready to meet someone new.; January 20, 2014 at 8:17 AM
Anonymous said...: I told my guy that I'm not interested in causal sex r/s. And he reply: 'Your name as been my password for the past 3 months. Due to change them end of this month.' What it means by this? A breakup?

MT; January 20, 2014 at 10:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Aphrodite
Great article..just need some advice.....am talking to a guy online for past month - its long distance 8 hr drive from each other - he initiates 80% of contact via text and has a problem with phone calls....I have said gently that I would love to connect by phone as well as text and he has called me once a week.....of late he said he would call for "sure" and didnt ..his excuse 1. his phone was not charged ..then 2. as it was charging he was low on credit ..mmmm (wonder why he didnt tell me that earlier) .....so we texted back n forth and I actually told him I was upset at him not following through with his word to call......he apologized and actually called
me for a brief 10 min conversation.....he then said he would call the next day and never reneg again and promised....of course the next day texts in day but no call in the evening........twice in a row??? So the next day we texted again and again I told him I am wanting a truthful relating ........... he said he understood etc .......he even told me he would talk to me after work (not sure if phone or texting) regards another situation and of course didnt!!!! So that's 3 days 3 x in a row......its amazing! So HELP I need to know what to do now (we havent met its just been an intense "everyday" online exchange with as mentioned about 5 phone conversations in the month!) ...oh and he said he's not that good with phones??? whatever that means.....I'm not that in to you perhaps ?? The phone calls we have had have always been pleasant and enjoyable.....anyway i was reading above and I guess its best to not reply to him for a few days if he makes contact???? I realize something is definitely amiss....and I don't get why men do this kind of thing????? And I know we haven't met in person and it could all be an illusion .....a player character.....he says the sweetest nicest things to me....my eyes are open !! Anyway need advice on next step to take?? Thanks
next day he didnt call again (twice in a row); January 21, 2014 at 7:12 AM
Bella said...: @Zoe

"I wanted more and more...like the worst drug ever. If I got my daily text or call I had a good day but if not, I was worried, insecure and felt unwanted and abandoned." I was exactly the same. If I got that message or saw him online I smiled and my day was better and if he didn't message me I felt horrible like a dark cloud was over me. I would be at amazing dinners and events and all I could think of was him and how I wish he would message.

I went to a party the day before and was taking to quite a few guys there but I had to realize that my ex is just so much more good looking and fun to talk to than any guy I saw there and yeah, I still have feelings for him.

When you think this way just remember what an assole he is for sending you that text. I am almost over that part where I meet other guys and think about him. I see it as a challenge where I want to meet someone so much better than him in every way.

I am not ready to block him yet plus last contact was him messaging me and me not messaging back. When we met it started with him me saying hello, then him being crazy about me and me getting excited and beginning to initiate. This is where we girls make the biggest mistake. We should never feel comfortable enough to message first or initiate contact. Anyways last time we talked was him initiating which has been a while since he has. I feel okay since I didn't message back.

Zoe I really wonder if guys do what we do? Check phone often or get anxious about us contacting them. I really do. I am spending my days more usefully growing my business and spending time with family and friends. Last he messaged I was entering mall parking lot with mom. I looked at phone, smiled, and continued shopping and focusing on my mom. I won't lied and say it didn't feel amazing!

I was sending a message to someone who is not on my FB, so FB suggested friends to select when sending the message and his name came up. So I guess he hasn't deleted his FB.

We must have been with the same guy haha...is your guy a Taurus?; January 21, 2014 at 9:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 21, 7:12 AM,
"So HELP I need to know what to do now"

Read the article dear, the section titled, "What to do when your man disappears." You can also decide to go "no contact" (and no response) as well, to signal to him without words that you are not impressed by his treatment and, as a result, you will no longer be responding to him (via text or otherwise).

"oh and he said he's not that good with phones"

That's a bit troublesome because talking on the phone is like talking in real life. So if he's not good with phones, one can assume he's not a great conversationalist either, which really isn't a good impression for a man to be giving a woman. If he doesn't like talking for a long time on the phone, then you can keep it to an hour or half hour or so.

"i was reading above and I guess its best to not reply to him for a few days if he makes contact?"

Exactly. You don't treat someone like a priority while they're treating you like an option.

"I don't get why men do this kind of thing?"

A lot of times, it's to make the woman anxious so that she chases and gives away her power to the man, leaving him to pull the strings in the relationship and call the shots. It also provides reassurance to insecure men that you like them when you do that. So very insecure guys may pull this stunt as a way (even unknowingly) to gain reassurance from you.

"next day he didnt call again"

Stop responding to the texts. If you keep responding to them, he'll keep texting. If you want him to call, don't respond to the texts and see if he calls. If he doesn't, I wouldn't bother anymore with this one as he's already displaying VERY inconsistent behavior. And if he's doing that this early on - he'll do this when you're in a relationship with him as well. So it's not even worth continuing at that point :-(; January 21, 2014 at 9:51 AM
Bella said...: @Anonymous Jan 21, 7:12 AM,
"So HELP I need to know what to do now"

Here is what I think is going on. He is lying about something. When someone avoids being on the phone for a while he is usually hiding something. He could be married, in a relationship etc. People online tend to be shady (SOME not all) and hide a lot about themselves. Maybe he is scared of this getting serious and being on the phone can lead to that so he is enjoying the texting relationship you both have because it is convenient and easy to just respond and delete or read and delete texts. Just my 2 cents. If you want you can lay it out to him plain and simple and find out what is going on. I personally HATE the phone and when guys call me I cringe and yes prefer messenger and text. I am just more comfortable that way, prefer in person because I can see people's reactions. I need to get better at that. Not a good habit because this guy once called me 2 weeks ago after we were texting and messaging.; January 21, 2014 at 11:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
I wasn't sure where to post this, but because I feel many of you follow the comment thread here (and the comment feed on the site), I figured I'd post this here so as many eyeballs as possible would see it.

My apologies to those of you following the comment feed and seeing a bit of combativeness taking place recently in it. I've recently experienced an influx of negative comments (from men). So it's safe to assume that this site has been brought to the attention and/or mentioned on a PUA forum (pick up artists).

This isn't the tone I normally like to take on the site, however, I am responding to some of these comments ladies (on other articles, they don't have the guts to post on this one, LOL ;-) - as a way of displaying how to stand strong in your convictions when faced with these situations.

So my apologies, bear with me ladies. When this happens, it passes just as quickly as it began. And I imagine it'll pass soon and when it does, we can all remain united and continue along our merry way, upbeat in tempo and attitude as usual.

Girl power LOL! ;-) Now back to our regular scheduled program...; January 21, 2014 at 4:23 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA sorry but you lost me there. Your last post said something about messages from men and you posting responses. What are you talking about? I don't these posts often, maybe once in a while.; January 21, 2014 at 5:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous January 21, 5:20PM,
No worries dear, it's meant for the women who subscribe to the comments feed here (and they see all comments on all articles in one continuous feed daily). Anyone following along there will have seen some negative comments recently (by men on other articles here on the site) and my responses.

So I was simply attempting to explain to those that follow the feed and see those comments that I've been a bit sidetracked by what's going on on the back end of the site and via email is all :-); January 21, 2014 at 5:23 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

"I've recently experienced an influx of negative comments (from men)."

Men? Or boys in a man's body? I hope they are learning some valuable insights to women: that we are sometimes weak amidst a lifetime of strength, that we expose our pain in order to let go of our fears, and although we may fall, there are sisters amongst us to help us get back on our feet.

You are helping many, many women Ms. Mirror. Every day you are adding to the lives of those who come to your site. Thank you for what you do.; January 21, 2014 at 7:46 PM
chick007 said...: Hi MOA, you're awesome. Just needed to say that! So here's my story: As soon as my gf and I get to the bar, this attractive man approaches us and buys us drinks. Initially, he's hitting on us both but hones in on me in the end. Since we just got there, my gf and I wanted to explore the dance scene a bit so we said we would be back. As soon as we get back, the guy is totally upset with us (particularly, me) because we took too long! Whatever. I enjoy the rest of the evening and run into him later. All of us were pretty intoxicated at that point, and he says that he has two beds at his hotel nearby and we can stay in the other one. I get upset, told him I'm not the kind of girl he thinks I am, and walk away. He chases after me and apologizes saying that he just didn't want me to drive after drinking. He had a good point and I end up going back with him (he has to carry my friend bc she couldn't even walk now). He wants to sleep with me that night but I didn't allow it. I'm so over one night stands (I'm 31, he's 24). I'm in town for just the weekend, so I decided to contact him the next day and we end up hanging out for most of the weekend. (2 red flags: He calls me "babe" two days in and I find his recent suicide ideation medical papers after snooping around his room.) He wants me to stay longer. I say I can't and he continues to contact me (now we are about 7 hours apart). Tell him I'm not interested in anything serious. We decide to be friends/FWBs. Early on, I notice that this guy is a flake and, very possibly, a user - says he'll call back and doesn't, and at one point (early on) "the maid stole his wallet" and he is considering walking around grocery stores and just eating food so I wire him 80 bucks (i knew i shouldn't but just couldn't see a person going hungry). The next day he's texting that he's telling his mom all about me. I smell BS. Whatever, he's charismatic with crazy life stories, and I feel bad for the dude. But red flags keep piling up. He ends up telling me that he was arrested for aggravated assault in the past bc he was defending his ex-wife (some random dude just pulled her away from him. Again doesn't add up cause this guy is like a muscular 6'6" italian stallion but part of me liked his manly defense of his woman). He has 3 kids with 2 women (vasectomy at age 24), is always broke, has been arrested 7 times for DUIs and PIs, has anger issues/gets into fights while drinking, and tells me he puts up a wall dating women bc his pregnant ex-wife and last gf cheated on him. Glaring signals, I know!! But I keep telling myself, nothing serious with him. Just sex.

So we actually live in the same city and he returns and we go out on some fun dates with some heavy making out (spectacular kisser). On the first date, I catch him in a lie. Without me asking, he wants to show me where his mom lives. I'm like alright. I see it - it's a huge, impressive place. I later find out that his mom doesn't live there!! WTF. Why lie about that. Over the next few dates, he mentions that there are so many women out there that want to date him (and he's an asshole to the ones who won't get the hint when they meet him), his "crazy, useless" ex-wife is still in love with him but he's disgusted by her bc of all the cheating, everyone that lives near him is afraid of him bc he's a good fighter, and he used to be the football star in hs (he loves to mention this and he's 25 at this point, kinda sad). I started distancing myself from him at one point cause I felt like he was getting a little too clingy and told me that he wanted me to call him whenever I felt like it. Some time into it, he asked if something was changing.; January 21, 2014 at 10:39 PM
chick007 said...: So I started initiating a few conversations bc of the whining. Guess what? He started distancing himself from me, lol. Yep, it happens. I ended up telling him that I was getting too emotionally involved (cause, you know what, I didn't tell him this but I didn't expect to feel so hurt when he started distancing himself) and just wanted a friendship (no benefits). One day he called me while I was at work so I told him I'll call him back in 2 minutes which I did. And guess what he didn't answer, lol. What a jerk. I texted him with "I called you back." He knew I was mad and he disappeared for two weeks.

He later came back missing me, sweet talking me (he had always kept the absolutely gorgeous/pretty/hot compliments coming my way and, at points, talked about developing feelings for me), and wanting me to come over (two months into it, no sex and he said I was teasing him, which I was). He ended up apologizing (but also told me I was oversensitive) and wanted to see me. At that point, I really wanted to sleep with him to see what it was all about. I met more of his brothers that night but before doing so he warned me that the one I hadn't met yet would talk about a "blue room." What was that I asked. It was a room where he had sex with girls and his brothers watched. WHAT?? I asked him how many? And he said, not many, they were all girlfriends. That's even worse!! You would think that I wouldn't sleep with him after hearing that, right? Nope, I did and we had awesome sex (at least he's a giver in bed). But the next morning he started talking again about how his guy friends want to sit on his lap because all of the girls that sit on his (so they would have to sit on theirs). UGH!! I feel pathetic typing all of this out. But I kept telling myself. JUST sex. But guess what, I GOT SUPER ATTACHED AFTER SEX and I was now the one initiating contact. After a few conversations, I was tired of initiating and disappeared. Guess what? LOL. He came back 2 weeks later and was wondering why I wasn't calling (came up with a lame excuse of a broken phone). I told him I was busy with school. Ugh, but then I said that I can't separate emotional from physical. I want to be in love with the person I'm sleeping with. And that I just want to hold off on the physical part. He completely understood and still wanted to be friends. I said awesome. And he threw in the fact that the physical part was amazing. Later that night he texts and we chat. Okay so a week passes by and uggh, I text him telling him that "I miss talking to you" (he's 7 hours away for work again). (I never knew about the no initiating contact rule until stumbling on this awesome site a few days ago.) Guess what? You got it. No response for the past month.

I've spent thousands of dollars in therapy since meeting him, learning that I go for these types of men because of really terrible father issues. I'm working on myself. I'm detaching myself emotionally from this man. I think he was a user, liar, player, and flake. Do you agree MOA? And do you think it was probably a good thing that I said I missed talking to him because that acts as man repellant and, by doing this, I just made a very bad man go away more quickly? I think I'm just looking for some reassurance, that's all.; January 21, 2014 at 10:40 PM
Anonymous said...: U ROCK thx for this muuah!; January 22, 2014 at 12:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, how do I subscribe to the comments feed? I didn't know it was possible. I always click on every article to see if any new posts have been added.

Thanks.

Adriana; January 22, 2014 at 1:00 AM
Anonymous said...: Wow how do I subscribe to this very curious to see what they have to say about their behavior.; January 22, 2014 at 5:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Adriana,
"how do I subscribe to the comments feed?"

At the very top of the site on the right, there are 4 pink buttons. The third one is a comment bubble. That's the comment RSS feed and it's a continuous feed of all comments on all posts on the entire site.

It depends on what browser you're using, in some it's nice and tidy, however, in Chrome it runs together with some HTML text, but I can't control that, it depends on which browser you use. And you'll need a feed reader of some sort to read them I believe.; January 22, 2014 at 9:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous January 22, 5:01AM,
Unfortunately dear, they're not having any great epiphanies about their behavior, treatment or ATTITUDE about women. And yes, Gem, they all seem like emotionally immature men. (I was informed that my PUA piece: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/what-is-the-game-pick-up-artist.html is all over pick up artist forums, blogs and searches and I suspect it's bringing them here.)

Relationship Red Flags Article: "Too much BS sprinkled with entitlement. Take this with article with a ROCK of salt, and certainly not as advice."

No Contact Article: "This is the type of bs that makes dating hard. Not all guys want challenges and games we want womwn ro be upfront. We're simple creatures and the quickest way we lose respect is when we detect a woman playing games. Look at forums when men have the same issues. The main advice men give each other is to walk away. A man who likes challenges are players and if you like players, keep playing hard to get. Im sure the reason why the guy stops talking is because he's either seeing other women or he realized you were about games. As a man he's used to rejection so chasing in the midst of that men know its futile. Women dont get rejected enough and that's why you can't handle being rejected. Just move on and put thia energy in a good man instead. Games dont work..."

Taurus Male Article: "Your damn right I want my milk for free...Trust me, We do not "need" to play that game nor do we put up with it for long...Your wasting 31% of your time even trying that, Maybe you can figure out what i'll be doing with the rest...LOL."

"Blah, Blah, Blah...Why do men die?...they want to"

There's more, but I'll stop there. It's been going on for about a month or so on the front end of the site and the backend. And each time I see them, I'm appalled at the overall crappy attitude they carry. Calling women "entitled" and full of "BS" for expecting to be treated with the simplest of common courtesy.

Meanwhile, they expect to receive sex for free without lifting a finger while taking the woman for granted and not even extending basic courtesies to her - and somehow, that doesn't qualify them as entitled in their minds. And they think that not contacting men who disrespect you is somehow a game, like as if you should just ACCEPT that treatment without issuing a consequence or protecting yourself. They talk about being lazy as a man and giving up as if it's a good thing and they feel that women don't get rejected enough.

Oh well...it's a sad state for women dating out there nowadays.

Stay strong ladies - and when you encounter men who carry the attitudes about women that these guys above do - just RUN and NEVER look back. Protect yourself from these fools who feel entitled to use you without consequence.; January 22, 2014 at 9:36 AM
KK said...: Hmm, yep definitely immature 'boys', not real men. I've noticed only a few of them on occasion and chuckle to myself after reading it, then think "MOA will get em" - And usually, after she does, they have nothing else to say.
It sounds as if they're in defense mode and have ill words for us because maybe they're a little afraid that WE KNOW. We know 'what's up', we know the game, we know the tricks/tactics and we are stronger for it and because of that, they feel threatened.
I say bring it! The more attention this receives and possibly even more women who come out and read and post here and learn and share, the better... it will actually diminish the chances these kinda 'men' actually have, which are already pretty 'slim'.; January 22, 2014 at 10:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Chick007,
"he has to carry my friend bc she couldn't even walk now"

I'm not trying to make you or your friend feel bad here dear, but you HAVE to be responsible for your own actions and conduct because - it's CRUCIAL to your SAFETY dear. A complete stranger that's carrying a woman back to his hotel room because she's no longer in control of herself - is a VERY dangerous situation :-(

"I find his recent suicide ideation medical papers "

See what I mean? This guy isn't emotionally stable right now dear, he's possibly fixated on death and because of that, he's unpredictable right now in his behavior. Dangerous :-(

"Early on, I notice that this guy is a flake and, very possibly, a user..."the maid stole his wallet" and he is considering walking around grocery stores and just eating food"

It's not looking good at ALL.

"so I wire him 80 bucks (i knew i shouldn't but just couldn't see a person going hungry)"

Yea but dear, you don't even know this man and therefore, you don't even know if he was honestly going hungry. He sounds more like an unstable con artist to me :-(

"I smell BS. Whatever, he's charismatic with crazy life stories, and I feel bad for the dude."

Don't - he's got some psychopathic/sociopathic tendencies swirling here dear.

"He ends up telling me that he was arrested for aggravated assault in the past...He has 3 kids with 2 women (vasectomy at age 24), is always broke, has been arrested 7 times for DUIs and PIs, has anger issues"

Again, see what I mean? Emotionally unstable = DANGEROUS. He could've bound, attacked and raped both of you in the room that night, then committed double murder and his own suicide in a blaze of what he would think was "glory" - STEER CLEAR of this man dear.

"I catch him in a lie. Without me asking, he wants to show me where his mom lives. I'm like alright. I see it - it's a huge, impressive place. I later find out that his mom doesn't live there!! WTF. Why lie about that. Over the next few dates, he mentions that there are so many women out there that want to date him (and he's an asshole to the ones who won't get the hint when they meet him), his "crazy, useless" ex-wife is still in love with him but he's disgusted by her bc of all the cheating, everyone that lives near him is afraid of him bc he's a good fighter, and he used to be the football star in hs"

Umm, delusions of grandeur??

Cont...; January 22, 2014 at 5:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I really wanted to sleep with him to see what it was all about."

Sex is not worth putting yourself at risk dear.

"would talk about a "blue room." What was that I asked. It was a room where he had sex with girls and his brothers watched."

This guys is DANGEROUS.

"I've spent thousands of dollars in therapy since meeting him, learning that I go for these types of men because of really terrible father issues. I'm working on myself. I'm detaching myself emotionally from this man. I think he was a user, liar, player, and flake. Do you agree MOA?"

I'm SUPER glad you got professional help dear - RELIEVED actually. This guy is not only all of the above, he's DANGEROUS dear - I'm going to pound this into your head here, not to be mean but because I want you to start thinking about YOURSELF here okay....but this man is DANGEROUS - very DANGEROUS.

Charming folks who lie, cheat, scam, steal - and remain incredibly charming....yea, they're clinically called sociopaths - "socio" meaning very "social" - i.e. charming and likable.

"I think I'm just looking for some reassurance, that's all. "

I know that dear, and again, I'm not pounding on you to make you feel bad. I'm pounding into your head that this guy is dangerous because there are red flags waving all over the place and because you're vulnerable right now and I don't want this guy sliding back into your life as a result. I want YOU to think about YOU here, forget about him, he's worthless, he's an abuser and a victimizer. Stay away from him dear.

You did the right thing here by distancing yourself from him, regardless of how it took place, and by getting professional help if you felt you needed it. From now on dear, YOU come first - only YOU, no one else, just yourself. Love yourself, watch out for yourself, protect yourself and know that you DESERVE to be treated with kindness and respect - and don't ever settle for less dear.

Stay your course with the professional help and know that you did the right thing by letting go dear and by distancing yourself. I'm so thankful this didn't turn into a nightmare and you're safe. Hold your head high, know your value, never settle, and always have your own back dear....and you simply can't go wrong.

Stay the course and all will be well, you'll see :-); January 22, 2014 at 5:05 PM
chick007 said...: I hear you loud and clear, MOA. I thought I knew better than to go home with a complete stranger. And I am very lucky he didn’t try to take advantage of either of us that night. I think because of that, and the fact that we had lengthy phone conversations and public dates thereafter, I felt safe. However, he has definite substance abuse and anger issues. And even though he says that he has never or will ever hit a woman, who knows. Also, I would ignore my gut on many occasions when I thought I was being lied to and manipulated. (When he would lie, he would very intensely examine my facial expressions to see if I was buying what he was dishing out. I noticed this the first time he lied to me about where he lived.)

During my 30 days of NC, I realized that I shouldn’t be with a person that would make me feel used and to whom I would say “I just can’t do that for you.” I shouldn’t be with a person that would treat women as objects (allowing brothers to spy on his conquests). I shouldn’t be with a person who would totally disregard my feelings (and who matches all of the sociopathic criteria including the very objective ones - e.g., violence, repeat arrests, reckless behavior, etc.).

I can go on forever but, like you (and my therapist) have said, it really isn’t about him. It’s about me. I need to love myself. (I have so many things going for myself – went to a top 3 undergrad, very financially stable, am now pursuing a PhD, have high quality men chasing after me, am loving, etc.). But I was completely stuck on him because he brought back all of the drama and feelings of unworthiness that I felt growing up. It really did feel like home when I was with him. Even though it’s been tough, this experience is teaching me a lot about myself, and I am growing because of it. Don’t worry - I refuse to allow him back into my life. (And I’m a Taurus. You know how stubborn we can be.) I really appreciate you and all of the important work you are doing, MOA.; January 23, 2014 at 1:05 AM
Zoe said...: @Bella
No, my ex is a Cancer...
You know I'm not sure if guys keep on checking their phones and get anxious about us not texting. I guess it only happens if we decide to go in NC with them and when they realize they took us for granted and suddenly they might lose us. But you know I want a relationship where finally I won't have to be anxious about a guy not contacting me bc he cares and calls regularly, where he doesn't want to me make feel worried but he just makes me feel happy, where there is no games and I will never have to go in NC to make him feel worried either. So in other words, I just want an emotionally mature man. I hope they didn't die out yet :)
Girls this is so hillarious, so I thought I share it with you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQNNcXEvk7I; January 23, 2014 at 9:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I too have to sing your praises this article has become a part of my daily reading after experiencing a disappearance from my boyfriend. I'm feeling a lot stronger than I was when it first happened, but I accept that we all have our good days and bad days. Thank GOODNESS I'm dating a couple of guys now as well and in not comparing them to him as I was before. Progress! I wanted to share my story and ask for advice, but I have a feeling I'm not going to be an exception to the other stories here.

I've been seeing my boyfriend off and on for over two years, he's a true Aries (27) and I'm a true Libra (23). He has serious baggage (a child from a previous relationship) and when we met, things weren't working out with his girlfriend. We started as friends as he was trying to make things work, but when they broke up he pursued me heavily. He is depressed but takes medication, and kept it mostly under wraps (I didn't find out for a while). Of course things started off great, he was so loving and affectionate, but I started to see him less and less, and I assume he was trying to make things work with his ex again. I kept latching on because I had fallen in love with him but of course it didn't help and his problems with alcohol started to increase. I initiated no contact for four months because I was tired of being used. I would've continued, but he kept calling me, and to be honest, I was bored because I had gone on a couple of awful dates lol. I told myself it was only for physical reasons, and they were, until I started to fall in love a second time. Men. Again, he was extremely affectionate and loving and to be honest, I know he's my soulmate but I understand that everyone has more than one and sometimes they just don't work out and I've accepted that. But this time was different, although he wouldn't text me for a week or two, I was fine with that. I accepted that he has a child (whom I've met when he was a baby, he's about to turn 3 soon), and he as a life of his own. I also moved about one hour away from him, but when he was available (every week or two), he'd drive up and we'd get dinner.; January 23, 2014 at 6:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued...Around September he got a DUI and relied heavily on me to be his emotional support. He continued to have problems with family and his ex (I've always been his shoulder). I also met his family and hung out on the weekends at his house (he lives with his family to save money), and since he couldn't drive, I drove down there to hang out with me. He and his ex no longer together, but their contact always bothered me. I don't mind them talking about their child, but he has admitted that at times he misses her as his son's mom and having the family unit, and he would get jealous if she were to see another man and if the man were around his son. I completely understand that, but I didn't like that they'd share things together (things about his job--they both work in the same field), because I felt left out. I felt like there was a part of him I couldn't get to, but to him, things were completely fine! At times I'd notice that they'd text and he'd share pictures of their son that she sent with me, but some things he wouldn't. I've also seen the occasional text to her on days when I wouldn't hear from him...possible red flag, but I ignored it. They also talk on the phone EVERYDAY. I get that they have a young child together, but goodness gracious. They'd talk mostly to coordinate plans (sometimes they wouldn't talk and would go through his mom), but I have no idea about the talks that happened when I wasn't there. We'd still go out dates and things would be great, and at times I really thought it was all in my head. He's been completely open about having a future with me saying I'd meet his sister at Christmas, I've hung out with him and his friends, mentioned vacations we're going on, and has mentioned NUMEROUS times (at least every time we'd hang out) about starting a family together. He's said he'd like to have another one by the time he's 35. Any time I've had a problem, or him for that matter, we've both been dedicated to working it out. I told I'd like more communication and he stepped it up, however we've come to a problem. About a month ago he mentioned that he got a promotion. I told him I was so proud of him and excited but I would've loved to have heard about it the day it actually happened (he told me two days later). I know I shouldn't have even mentioned it through text because things can get misconstrued but I didn't even think about it at the time. He said I made it all about him and I sincerely apologized to him about it. We continued on as normal but he didn't ask me to hang out even though I thought we were going to.; January 23, 2014 at 6:34 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued...The next day I ask if he wants to hang out and he says of course and cancels plans with his friend because he'd be busy the next few days. Traffic is awful and I'm stuck in it for an hour. He gets annoyed (understandable) and suggests we hang out on Christmas Eve and Christmas. I whine and tell him that I really wanted to see him then, and I had all his presents ready (his idea to exchange Christmas presents), and ask him what he's doing the next few days...generally trying to do his job of making the plans...again I regret that. I finally accept defeat as I can tell he thinks I'm being dramatic. I don't hear from him the rest of the weekend. Christmas Eve rolls around, the day we're supposed to hang out. I don't contact him and wait to hear from him (as I generally ask him the night before if our plans are still on), but I didn't hear anything. Christmas rolls around...crickets. I finally text him Happy New Year! and he replied back the same, and still...nothing. I don't hear from him until Jan. 6 when he says 'I saw a list of 100 best restaurants and it made me think of you) and I reply back four hours later, 'yum!' and leave it at that. Since then...nothing. I know he has a DUI and things are expensive and he doesn't have much money and he also has no car so I'm thinking he's realized now's not the best time for a relationship? I understand that, but can't you let a girl know?; January 23, 2014 at 6:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued...He's the one who defined our relationship status by calling himself my boyfriend and calling me his girlfriend. I've let him take the lead on everything, but the one time (okay maybe fourth or fifth time) I've gotten pushy he disappears? He's gotten super involved with work (we have mutual friends), and they said he works all the time, and he can't drive anywhere so he relies on family members and friends. His ex girlfriend also lives 4 hours away from him so I know they're not seeing each other, so I'm guessing he's just drowned himself in work? As I said I'm dating again, but come on, I'd like a little respect. I know he can be awful at communicating but he's always tried, and I feel that me being a perfectionist at all aspects in my life was too much for him when he just wanted to tell me about his promotion at work which was a huge accomplishment that we'd talked about since we've been together. To be honest, do you think I'll hear from him? I know I will because we still have things left at each other's houses so eventually I'll want those back, but sigh. I'm dating, going out constantly, hanging out with friends, and am actually enjoying a stress-free life finally haha, but I want to tie up that loose end. It's also sad to know our long term relationship could end so suddenly, when I thought we had a trying, but great future ahead of us. Your article has become part of my process to become a stronger more independent woman so I can't thank you enough for what you've done for my psyche. I'm a MUCH stronger woman than I was before, I'd just like to know if I'll ever get the chance to talk to him again.; January 23, 2014 at 6:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Okay so my boyfriend of 6 months is pulling back doing the "rubber band". We are very serious and he says he wants to marry me and I have two small children whom he has been the only father to them and he loves them and they love him to death. Well we have had a lot of outside stress in our lives that we allowed to come into our relationship and over the last month it really began to break us down as a couple. And we hit rock bottom pretty good and since then we have had serious conversations about how things need to change so that our relationship will survive. And so we talked about starting over and starting off new and doing it right this time and not allowing outside influences affect our relationship and what we want. So with all that things have changed a lot. Some days we seem to be better than ever and then out of no where things seem to be so off and he seems to be pulling away. The last few days he has stopped talking to me like he used to. He always texts me in the morning "good morning beautiful" and he will text as soon as he gets off work and he will call every night before bed to talk and then say goodnight and he loves me. But he hasn't done any of this. If he texts me at all its random things like "bur its really cold out side" he hasn't talked to me since yesterday afternoon and that's the text I get from him today. All my responses have been short back and I haven't called him or text him unless he texted me. So my question is do I ignore all his text messages? And if so what if he calls me, do I answer or ignore his calls too? And for how long? And I know him he will get upset if I ignore him, what do I say to him once I do talk to him? I love him with all my heart and I KNOW he is the one I want to marry someday and he is such a good man to my children and I know he loves us. I think he is scared I am going to hurt him and so his guard is up and he fears that all the stress we have from outsiders that I will cave and leave him. I do not want to push him away but I also don't want to make him upset by ignoring him. What should I do to show him I am serious and I love him and want him but at the same time how do I show him I deserve to be loved as hard as I love. And I deserve to be treated with respect even if he is scared.; January 23, 2014 at 7:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Can I ask a bit of advice about my disappearing guy?
We are in the middle of no contact and it's driving me crazy,I know he is stringing me along, he would mention to arrange another date but never follows through with it and it's just really upsetting me.
But the other day he added me on a app where you check into places, so basically I know his every move because I just constantly get notifications about where he is, mostly I can tell he just goes out with his mates out drinking,but what do I do about this app?
I can't delete it because that's a reaction right?
I just want to know where I stand?
This is just so hard.; January 24, 2014 at 9:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 24, 9:12 AM,
"what do I do about this app? I can't delete it because that's a reaction right?"

Can you turn off the notifications? If you can, turn them off ASAP.

"he would mention to arrange another date but never follows through"

He's unreliable and inconsistent dear. And those aren't traits that make for a good boyfriend or for someone who's ready to settle down into a relationship. As a result, I don't think he's ready for a relationship dear and I don't think he's ready to settle down either :-(

"I just want to know where I stand?"

I know dear. But you're expecting to be TOLD with WORDS where you stand, when in reality, it's a man's ACTIONS and the UNSPOKEN that truly signal that, without you having to ask or be told. His actions are speaking dear, and they're letting you know where you stand - unfortunately, what his actions are saying is that he's not relationship material and that he isn't ready to settle down :-(; January 24, 2014 at 10:07 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 23, 6:33 PM,
"He is depressed but takes medication. . .his problems with alcohol started to increase."

This is a dangerous combo dear. Alcohol and depression medication do NOT mix and can even be deadly if abused. Additionally, the combo will really set someone off emotionally. Think about it - he's taking pills to fight depression - then he goes out and consumes a known depressant - alcohol. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

"Around September he got a DUI"

Sounds like he's veering out of control :-(

"I'm thinking he's realized now's not the best time for a relationship? I understand that, but can't you let a girl know?"

Well, that's the thing dear. Women always want to "hear" that it's over with WORDS. Not sure why because it's like rubbing salt in an open wound, but hey, that's what we do, LOL. Trouble is, the language of men is not of WORDS, it's of ACTION. They speak not with their words, but with their actions. So when a man begins to change his behavior and his actions towards you, he's actually already telling you something, ya' know? :-(

"but the one time (okay maybe fourth or fifth time) I've gotten pushy he disappears?"

Yea, it happens dear. Sucks, but it does. And the biggest reason for this is because...to put it simply, men like to have fun. They like to be around "fun," experiencing it. When a woman starts to pressure and things take on an intense tone in the relationship - guess what? It's not "fun" anymore. Instead, it feels like work, like obligation and like pressure. Overall, it becomes an unenjoyable experience for them and when that happens, they pull away :-(

"do you think I'll hear from him?"

If you remain silent and do not chase him, yea, I imagine he'll circle back eventually as most do. But that's not a guarantee dear. One thing you can almost be guaranteed about though, is if you pursue him, contact him, etc. - he'll distance himself even further as it will become even less enjoyable to him. So your best bet is to stay silent, continue dating other men and living your life. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. That may not happen in a week or a month, but a couple months from now, you may hear from him again.

"am actually enjoying a stress-free life finally"

Funny how women tend to think being single sucks - but honestly - it CAN be some of the best time of your life :-)

"I'd just like to know if I'll ever get the chance to talk to him again."

There are no guarantees dear. But like I said, if you stay silent and just keep moving forward, after some time passes, he may get curious and circle back, you never know ;-); January 24, 2014 at 10:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 23, at 7:06 PM,
"So my question is do I ignore all his text messages? And if so what if he calls me, do I answer or ignore his calls too? And for how long? And I know him he will get upset if I ignore him, what do I say to him once I do talk to him?"

These are all things you have to decide dear. But you have to be prepared to let go if need be when this happens. You cannot be guaranteed that this man is still "in" this, so if you do this and he pulls away for good, you have to be prepared to accept that. But I look at that as a gift, rather than something bad. Meaning, if a man can easily let me go, I don't grieve over that loss too much because I look at it as a gift, it's the universe letting me know it wasn't meant to be and then sparing me from more agony, ya' know?

However, having said that, I'm a big advocate of displaying your disapproval of mistreatment or being taken for granted with ACTIONS and not WORDS and emotional displays. When a woman takes action, men hear that loud and clear, they know exactly what that means and they take you seriously. Much more seriously than they would if an emotional display of words were to take place. But like I said above, you have to be prepared for either outcome when doing so. You're basically putting the man to the test. If he genuinely cares, he'll come around to work things out. If he doesn't, he'll let things slip away. Either way, you have your answer though.

"What should I do to show him I am serious and I love him and want him but at the same time how do I show him I deserve to be loved as hard as I love. And I deserve to be treated with respect even if he is scared."

The only thing you can do dear, is to mirror his behavior and his treatment of you OR to go silent when he mistreats you or takes you for granted - and then see if cares to apologize for it. And if he doesn't, it's unfortunate and painful, but at least you have your answer then :-(; January 24, 2014 at 10:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Another reason to ditch sexting and not hit "send" when the request for nude images is made by men:

"Moore, 27, has claimed to be the operator of isanyoneup.com, a site that posted nude photos of people, many of whom say they did not consent to having their images appear on the Internet. . .Revenge porn is a genre of pornography where explicit images are uploaded to the Web, most typically by scorned ex-lovers, without the consent of the photo’s subject. Moore’s isanyoneup.com was one of the most prominent hubs for such material. . ."

Revenge-Porn King Hunter Moore Indicted on Federal Charges: http://newsfeed.time.com/2014/01/23/revenge-porn-king-hunter-moore-indicted-by-fbi/#ixzz2rKbaBdLQ; January 24, 2014 at 10:47 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for your advice. After reading everything you've wrote I followed your advice And last night he started calling and texting and I ignored. Today I responded but short and sweet. To my surprise it has worked just like you said it would. He has been texting me all throughout the day just like he used to. But I am not chasing, I am letting him pursue, like it should be! I do not text him unless he texts me and a wait awhile to reply so he thinks I am busy and not jumping to reply instantly. He is away for the weekend and I am moving into a new place. I haven't seen him in 4 days and he doesn't get back until Sunday and I plan to stay busy and step back still and allow him to show me if he words are truth or if they are just words. I can already tell that the distance I am giving him is driving him crazy and he finally said today he misses me and misses hearing my voice. Feels great to know he still cares and even better that I was able to pull it off and beat him at his own game. I just want to thank you!!! I didn't think I could do it but now that I have and I have succeed its going to make it so easy from now on to do this when and if I ever need to again. I feel stronger as a woman, as a person now. I feel like I took my control back and I owned my own emotions and feelings and because of that I am showing my man that he cannot get away with ignoring me or pushing me away and expect me to just allow it to happen with no consequences. Thank you a million times over for writing this and for showing all us woman what we are doing wrong and how to do it right!!!
Sincerely the girl from Jan. 24 with the two kids :); January 24, 2014 at 3:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Girl from Jan. 24 with the two kids,
"To my surprise it has worked just like you said it would. . .I didn't think I could do it but now that I have and I have succeed its going to make it so easy from now on to do this when and if I ever need to again."

That's a new "tool" for you to manage and better control situations such as this now dear - make use of it when need be and others will not be able to act upon you in a negative manner, just shut em' down :-)

"I feel stronger as a woman, as a person now"

You always were strong dear, all of the women here are - it's just a matter of having the courage to take a leap of faith - knowing that YOU ARE VALUABLE.

"I am showing my man that he cannot get away with ignoring me or pushing me away and expect me to just allow it to happen with no consequences."

And you didn't even have to say one WORD dear - yet you were "heard" loud and clear ;-); January 24, 2014 at 3:40 PM
Rabbit said...: I'm a Capricorn woman who is so frustrated with a Cancer male. Unfortunately, I believe in my situation I may be "the bad guy" here. I met him at work and felt lightning the first time I saw him. We didn't work together directly, so it took ~ 6 weeks before we had conversations and he asked for my number. I gave it to him (excitedly)--but did not tell him I have a long-term boyfriend. I know, I know. I did tell him when he first tried to kiss me. Through 2+ months of wining and dining and flirting in and out of work, I knew I'd fallen for him--hard. He would frequently express frustration and be upset that he was my "side piece." I know, I know, I'm truly terrible. I'd been having multiple problems with my live-in boyfriend and wasn't sure where the relationship was going, but didn't feel any urge to take action until I met this guy. I told my Cancer friend that as much as I was enjoying our time together, I wanted to break up with my boyfriend on my terms, not "for him." I want to be sure it was the right move for me and I wasn't just transferring feelings (typical cautious Capricorn). I left that job and started at another one last month (not for any reasons pertaining to him, just for the record). We'd continue to get together for drinks and have a fantastic time, every time. We met up after the New Year and had a great time at dinner and--ahem--after dinner (we have not had any form of sex, for the record. There are some lines I just won't cross). We continued to text each other all day, every day, as we've done for months. Then, maybe a week and a half after our last rendezvous, he completely stopped texting! There was no disagreement or negativity between our last exchanges at all. When I hadn't heard from him all day, I sent him a silly Snapchat that evening and received no response.

That was a week and a half ago. The only peep I've heard from my Cancer friend was an SMS picture of the new car he was telling me he was looking into buying (which he sent a week to the hour after our last exchange). No other message accompanying the photo. !? I've been reading your page everyday to muster the strength to not message him (no "I miss you," no "nice car"). Part of me wants to not contact him at all to see if he'll come running back (this time with something more than a picture of a stupid Honda), but part of me wants to send him a picture back of MY car. Tit for tat, plus I think it'll be funny and show him I'm not too rattled (though I am!).

While I understand the possibility that he could be playing mind games with me, a big part of me thinks (hopes?) he stopped contact suddenly in order to push me to break up with my boyfriend. Fair enough. There were times in the past that I told this guy that a little bit of space would give me time to fix my head about this. But I was hoping he would have the decency to give me a bit of notice, like, "I'll be here if you ever break up with him, but until then, I'm not satisfied with this hidden half-relationship." Without any kind of disclaimer, I don't know if I'd be able to trust him in the future. Also, now that he's not in the picture, I feel as if I can take my sweet time deciding how I feel about my boyfriend, rather than feel pressured from him.

Mirror of Aphrodite, please help! I am truly cautious with my feelings and not delusional to think I was making up all the mutual chemistry we had between each other. He was very vulnerable and told me multiple times he doesn't like dating casually, he wants a girlfriend and would want it to be me. There was no sex for him to "get and split" here. I could understand him retreating if we had had sex, gotten into an argument, etc, but this sudden freeze is so confusing, especially from a Cancer, who I understand are usually mushy and romantic (never had a Cancer boyfriend before). Please grant me some wisdom on what to do next here!; January 24, 2014 at 8:28 PM
chk61 said...: Still struggling with no contact. I still feel tempted to contact him despite the fact that 3 months have passed. Every day I come up with possible scenarios and rationalizations. Then I remind myself that HE doesn't need a reminder that I exist. Right? I tell myself I can go another month, and another month, and then I'll make it up to 6 months and maybe by then I'll feel better? Sigh.

At this point, I feel stuck emotionally about this D.M. Yet I realize it is up to me to change my mindset about this situation. Working on that....

Online dating is pretty disappointing. Most of the women I know in relationships have met their men online but I'm not having the same kind of luck. One friend chewed me out the other night, saying I'm too picky. Oh, OK, so I guess I'll just settle with any old guy just to make HER happy? In my social group, the other single woman is, after 30 years, leaving our city to move to another state/city across the country. So I'm the last woman standing and today, it doesn't feel good. This feeling too shall pass.

I just read a bunch of stories about people who broke no contact and regretted it. Every now and then there is a heartwarming story about how it worked out but it seems that 9 times out of 10, it just ends up putting a person back to square one.

So today, I remind myself of my worth and what I have to offer the right man. The D.M. was not the right man. If he WAS the right man, he would have contacted me, knowing I live a mere 5 miles away. Thus I continue to let him go with a feeling of peace. Things happen for a reason even if I don't know what the reason is. All will be well.; January 25, 2014 at 9:02 AM
JD said...: Hi All! I've been around and reading the posts. I must say, I feel for everyone! A lot of women here know what I've been through and I thank them for their support and words of encouragement. Well, about the DM I have spoken about, we did meet, twice. If what he says is true about his schedule, as I've stated here before, joint custody of his kids, working 2 jobs, and helping to take care of his Grandfather (who has been having health problems) the maybe he is not ready for what I want.

Sometimes I do wonder if he thinks I will wait for him.

You DO have to let the guy lead. I've found the times I left him alone, he did go out and seek me. Although half-arsed, he did seek me out. You've got to leave them alone. If what you're looking for is marriage, he HAS to be the one to pursue you. But if you're ok with casual, then go ahead and pursue him...it's what MOA has been saying all alone and men that I've spoken to have said the same thing. He has to pursue YOU if marriage is the goal you want. And that's what I WANT.

Don't waste your time on a man that doesn't realize your worth. Maybe your absence and silence is what he needs to experience to wake up. After meeting with him, and now since being back home, I realized I DESERVE better. I came back from my vacation and was like, you know what...I deserve better. I had to come to that realization myself. Maybe it took for me to see him again, but looking at him and things differently to realize that. I know I'm an awesome woman. A man who is not ready, will not be ready even though you are an awesome woman. He's just not ready. SOOOOOO....why sit around and wait for him? Go out and have fun, enjoy your life. Go see other men (leave sex out) and just enjoy their company. You can even use the time to learn more about men and how they are/act. What if it's meant to be, but will happen at a later time in your life? Don't you want to be your best? Don't you want to be prepared?; January 25, 2014 at 10:59 PM
JD said...: (continued)

I chose not to wait on this one any longer. If he wanted to be with me, he would be with me...simple. I'm not going to explain that I'm falling back or moving on. I'm just going to do it and maybe he will wonder since I'm using my SILENCE to show him. I don't need to be an option or just a cheap thrill. You better believe I was looking my best when we saw each other. I didn't act needy or desperate. Just myself...but a little nonchalant, too. But I was watching him as well. LOL It really helps when you realize some things and change your perception.

Another situation that woke me up, is that I probably missed out on an awesome man that goes to my gym. I believe there was a indication he was interested because he would ask me certain questions...but I was so focused on the DM that I missed it. Well, my friend snatched him up! LOL Not that I would go after him now or vice versa. But keeping it brief, he was a great catch and I missed it. Imagine the other men we are missing because we are so caught up with the DM?
It's important to find someone or let someone find you who has the same goal or want what you want. As for myself, I want marriage. I want to date with a purpose. So I'm going to work on me, continue to go to the gym (about 15 more lbs to go!), focus on my kids, and work on my advanced degree.

If it's meant to be with that DM, it will be! You don't need to remind them you are there. Believe me, they know. And they know where to find you. Another DM who I haven't heard from in more than 3 mos contacted me and I waited 3 days to contact him back...but yeah, he's disqualified LOL.

He still hasn't tried to add me back on FB or brought it up. And that's totally fine. I found when you start to not give a crap, then that's when they seem to want to give a crap LOL. He wanted me to understand his "circumstances" but says I went "all in on him". I guess he's just totally clueless and/or selfish to notice that it meant a lot for me to share what I did with him. He took it for granted and is taking me for granted. So, I'm like why would he get mad? From making that statement to unfriending me on FB.

Quite frankly, I'd like to tell the DM that this crap is getting old. Like I said, if he wanted to be with me, he would. Simple as that. Distance, time zone, busy schedules shouldn't be a factor. A man will go hard for what he really wants. My Dad even came back for my Mom and she was living in another country. You really can't go by their words. Like if you ask them what their intentions are and they actually tell you...you don't know 100% of the time if it's even true. ACTIONS. Men reveal themselves through their efforts. It's only natural for the man to bring it up and LEAD.

Just remember, you are the prize.

Am I little sad? Yes...but I know I am a high quality woman and I deserve much better. There's someone for everyone. Oh the man you've been wanting is out there! But what are you going to do in the meantime? You want to look and be your best when you do finally meet him, don't you?

You are the prize. Remember that.; January 25, 2014 at 11:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
I'm really proud of you dear - it's "clicked" and now you get it, and you also "see" the truth in it ;-)

You're in a very good place right now mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Keep that up, keep that good, positive momentum going and when the time is right - the universe will guide you to exactly where you're supposed to :-); January 26, 2014 at 10:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Rabbit,
Well dear, it is what it is, ya' know? He wants more than you can give. I really think at this point, it's that simple. And because of that, he's decided to distance himself so he doesn't get hurt or end up playing second fiddle forever, which is understandable.

However, my suggestion to you is to NOT focus on HIM and to focus on YOU, and your current relationship. I'm not one for cheating as I'm sure you can already surmise but I do understand how those things happen. I'm not judging, I'm simply trying to assert to you that all of this will clear, all of this confusion and mixed emotion will clear - when you actually deal with the REAL issue, which is your unsatisfactory relationship.

Because right now, this other man is simply a distraction for you. He's a distraction that's providing you the relief of having to deal with the real issue - your relationship.

It all comes back to YOU dear and your relationship and none of this will clear until that is decided upon and properly dealt with, ya' know? Because even if you rectify things with this other man, let's face it, there's still going to be the giant elephant in the room - your existing relationship - and you'll end up right back at square one.

And here's the easiest way to look at your current relationship, in a very black and white manner. If the mentality is that of "maybe" I'll stay or maybe I'll leave - then you know what - that's a "no." When you have a long term relationship in existence with a man but you're actually dating other men on the side, that's not a firm "yes" - which defaults it to the "no" category, ya' know? If you stay, you're going to feel like you've settled and you will become even more unhappy. Additionally, you're always going to be thinking something "better" is out there and you're missing out on it. And that mentality will only cause a "distance" to exist between you and your long term mate. And it'll be a fissure, a small crack, that will open up into a giant gorge over time as the distance becomes more and more and you drift apart.

In otherwords dear, with your existing relationship - if you're not "all in" - then you're "out."

"I feel as if I can take my sweet time deciding how I feel about my boyfriend"

Don't do that dear. It's not fair - to you or your boyfriend. It basically equates to a statement similar to, "Hey, if nothing better comes along, I'll stay. But if something better is out there, I'm gone." Honestly dear, it'd amount to you using your existing BF for temporary security, until someone better comes along. And if you do that, it's not fair to YOU either, because you'll be living in a state of suspended animation, waiting, waiting, waiting - for something better, while settling to live with something unsatisfactory until that happens.

Bottom line: You're never going to meet someone and not have "trust" issues stemming from both sides of a new relationship if that relationship begins WHILE you're with someone else, ya' know? It's a recipe for constant confusion, constant mixed emotions and constant dissatisfaction.

If you end your existing relationship dear - all of that immediately disappears, regardless of who the man waiting in the wings is. No more confusion, things are now clear and everyone knows where they stand. No more mixed emotions, you're now free to do as you please with whomever you please and you can now give freely. And no more dissatisfaction, because you're now 100% in control of your own happiness :-); January 26, 2014 at 10:43 AM
JD said...: Thanks MOA! Yeah it took a long time and some heartache to finally "click" then I was like oh heeeeellllll no! Shoot he ain't even all that! LOL ;-) question: when I do hear from him after a period of no contact, and I choose to respond, is it best to call them out on their behavior for instance it can go like this:

Him: hey how are you? I've been so busy with work and my crew (kids).
Me: Umph (expression of not being pleased), ok. Anyhow I'm doing fabulous.

Or my response should be care-free as if I didn't even notice he was gone? What's are good examples of that and should you ever express your disgust for their absence (if they make contact first)

This goes back to the social media thing where one can post or reply to people but not take the initiative to contact you.; January 26, 2014 at 12:44 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Chk61,
Just keep looking forward... :-); January 26, 2014 at 5:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
I wouldn't express my disgust in that manner - never verbally or emotionally, only via the language they truly "hear" which is that of action.

So if you're going to resume contact someday, make sure you've already expressed your disapproval enough BEFORE speaking. And when you DO speak, you've been having so much fun you hardly even noticed his absence; you're doing great; you're having a blast; you've been busy, busy, busy; you've been dating; and you can barely stop to take a breath - and you're not going to stop for him either. (If he asks to see you during the first conversation - it's a no-go, you're way too busy and have made to many obligations to others to squeeze him in. ;-); January 27, 2014 at 8:52 AM
Pisces Girl with Aries male experience said...: Hi Mirror,

Ladies, I would seriously recommend listening to Mirror and just not contact these guys, no matter what goes through your head!

Mirror, please dont be upset with me, but I just shot myself in the foot, again! I was on facebook a couple of days ago and was simply having a really good morning, checked my Facebook and had a nice little chat on there with an old girlfriend whom I havnt spoken to in ages... So, going through my feed I saw one of Aries's posts about a modern wood cabin which he shared via some architecture page... I got all excited because I'm super passionate about that and had been dreaming about building a very similar thing for a very long time, so I then commented simply with a link to the architects page of the house I'd been dreaming of... Argh! I should not have done that... (just to note I regularly like and comment on other peoples posts also) he didnt respond in any way to that comment, and now i'm abviously feeling kind of rejected all over again.... And this after I accidentily liked back one of his pics last time instead of dishing out consequenses with my silence but he did however like back another of my pics within hours after that, that was about 6 weeks ago and there was no interaction after that, till the comment/link I left now.... do you think he got upset because I didnt keep on liking his pics after last time and now ignored my post as a sort of revenge? Its kind of mean and confusing, one minute his back liking my pics and the next his ignorant (or is just me seeing it that way?)... It also seemed as if he met someone while he was away... but theres no way of knowing for sure....

Is there any way of coming back from this one? Have I blown the chance of ever dishing out consequences to him.. Do you think I should delete the comment, or would that just make it worse... Should I still be no contact if he does contact me? I was also thinking maybe I really should just delete him, to really avoid any contact, if I were to do that, do you think it might be worth writing something to him then, something short to say that I'm deleteing him and why? I've been avoiding FB now, reckoning that if something important happens I'll get a notification...

I guess in my heart I was hoping that he would use the opportunity to talk to me... Ask me how I am or something... guess the universe just showed me once again, that he just does not care, and is therefore just not meant to be in my life in any way what so ever...; January 27, 2014 at 10:00 AM
JD said...: After a period of NC from me, I get this text from DM:

"Good morning. It is cold again here, this weather is crazy here. 60's the last two days. But like 33 is the high today. Fed ex us some of your weather."

Trying to make conversation?
LOL, sigh. Let your silence make the noise! :-); January 27, 2014 at 3:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Would u be able to help me out in my situation please?
I've got a guy who is just confusing me.
I texted him on Sunday asking if he had a good weekend and he ignored my text, but today he liked something I wrote on Facebook but still didn't apply to my text?
This is the second time he has done this.
Last time after he liked my status on Facebook I left it a few days and I stupidly texted him again and he replied straight away, so I have a feeling that if I do the same again he is gonna reply.
Is he trying to tell me something?
Or does he just not want to talk to me? But it would just ignore me not like a status on Facebook
Do you think I should text him again?
I'm just confused?; January 28, 2014 at 6:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 28, 6:22 PM,
"Is he trying to tell me something?"

Well, what he's NOT saying dear is, "You're a priority and you're important to me." What his ACTIONS (or lack thereof) are telling you dear, is that you're not a priority to him :-( Never treat someone like you're priority while they're treating YOU like their OPTION.

"Do you think I should text him again?"

What for? So he can reject you and/or ignore you again? Don't willingly walk into those situations dear. If a man wants you, he knows where to find you - and he can be a real man by stepping up to the plate and seeking you out. If he's not seeking you out, that says something :-(

"I'm just confused?"

I think many times dear, women tend to create a lot of confusion themselves by trying so hard to "do, do, do" all the time - fighting for a man's attention. When, if you just sat back instead and tested the man's level of interest by doing NOTHING, and then waiting to see if he seeks you out...there would be no confusion, ya' know?

When you make yourself available to a man that you don't know is truly interested in you or not - you put yourself at great RISK. You put yourself at risk of being used. Because men WILL sleep with you and take you up on your availability and willingness even if they don't want to be in a relationship with you. In that respect, when it comes to sex dear, many men are opportunists about it, whether they realize it or not.

They figure, "Hey, she's offering. She's contacting me, chasing me down. All I did was take her up on her offer. I didn't go hunting her down, SHE came to ME. SHE was willing. So I took her up on her offer. There's no crime in that. I never made any promises or commitment to her."

When you're too "willing" dear - then you put yourself at great risk of being used. Because you really have no way of knowing whether or not the man really likes you - because it's been you carrying the relationship along and not him. So there's no way to judge if he really is interested or not - unless you sit back, and see if he seeks you out. And if he doesn't - then you have your answer and there's no more confusion.

You can actually remove the confusion from the equation - by doing NOTHING, and then waiting to see if he does SOMETHING about it :-); January 28, 2014 at 6:38 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror, I wrote the following update last week, but never sent it. After I read your repeated advice to“walk away,” on the No Contact piece, I remembered it.

GF and I joined Curves last week. I haven’t said a thing about DC, and I can tell she wants me to bring it up.

Nope.

Thursday night of DC’s stay she said her 14-yr old grandson, “is not happy with our house guest.”

I didn’t say anything (kids are so smart), I just kept moving.

Although I am trying to not be part of (or even SEE) any of what is going on between the two of them, I can see they are both using each other and the aura is so dark. So, although I’m trying to stay as far away from this as possible, it feels as though the events are being forced on me to watch. And the more I see, the more determined I am to be with a GOOD MAN (are you out there? smile) I’ll wait forever if I have to - even if it means my next life.

I am never going to ignore/excuse a man’s bad behavior towards me again. I’m going to take care of my self immediately, as Ms. Mirror says, instead of getting in the thick of it and draining my heart and soul trying to figure things out, be patient and understanding, twist myself in knots, put the effort in to bring him happiness when he ignores my wants/needs for same happiness, etc.

To those who might say, “Everyone has problems, relationships are built with acceptance, and no one is perfect, etc.” I agree. But, a problem in someone’s life does not give them license to treat you bad/treat you like an option while expecting you to treat them as a priority. When it comes to normal everyday relations (not criminals, etc.) there is no justification to treat another poorly. Not money, not fame, not stature, not power… nothing.

Walk away ladies… if you are wounded, gather up your self and protect your self from more harm. Walk away from anyone – man OR woman – who treats you poorly. Walk away.; January 28, 2014 at 8:50 PM
Anonymous said...: 21 year old Aries female, hes a 23 year old Libra. Known him for over a year, the night i met him it felt like we'd known each other forever typical Libra-Aries attraction. he asked for my number from a mutual friend just in case i had directly turned him down. We literally became inseparable right away, talking every single day, at times meeting up, the sexual tension was crazy at times but we left it just as that. Then one day in june he went on holiday to miami without saying goodbye, and after he got back didnt speak to him for a month and a bit then he showed up like nothing had happened, so me being typical aries started pulling away from him because i didn't want to be involved in any mind games, so me pulling away brought him closer to me.

To cut things short after we met up we nearly had sex so i asked what he wanted he said nothing serious at the moment. We started getting closer again then one night sex happened, nothing had changed we would still chill together but i could sense his jealousy when other guys would call or would want to see me, sarcastic comments and snide remarks, always wanting to be with me, or near me. After the 3rd time of having sex i told him i cared for him a lot and didnt understand his hot and cold behaviour at times. he messaged me saying we should cool off and didnt want to lead no1 on".

I was a little hurt and didnt reply because the same week
I suffered a miscarriage so that made me shut down completely. A month had passed no contact, i had spoken to his friend twice and both times had asked me why i havnt spoken 'A', that he thinks i should call 'A' and that 'A' had kept saying its been a while since we had spoken so I decided to call him. Within a few minutes he had wanted to come round and see me so i told him to msg me if he decides to, he never msged me or came to see me.

I hadnt been coping with the miscarriage and was hoping to talk to him about it that night. So after two more weeks of torture I texted it to him after a breakdown about the miscarriage n saying "i didnt want his sympathy or for him to pretend that he cared, and that i was crying while msging him". I was emotional and didnt mean for it to come out that way but its been over a month since I msgd him and he hasnt messaged me, its tearing me up coz I feel like I need to speak to him in order to move on from this, I know Libras hate confrontation and run from issues but this has completely amazed me. What do I do? I want it over and done with so that he dosnt try resurface and open a healing wound. :(; January 28, 2014 at 9:46 PM
Pisces girl with Aries male experience said...: Dear Mirror,

Me again.. I just had a stupid relapse mirror..

Last time I wrote to you, I accidentally liked back one of Aries's pics, after he liked some of mine.. and missed yet another opportunity for dishing out some consequences for his weasel behaviour, and to see if he would step up and actually contact me in a real way... However a few hours later he did once again like one of my pics in return... but nothing else

That was about 6 weeks ago and there has been no liking of pics or other contact since that.. It seemed as if he met someone while he was away, but he is back in his own city now and there is no way to tell whether that was a fling or just a friendship or whatever.. So, a few days ago, I was having a really great morning, and chatting with a long time girlfriend of mine, with whom I havent had contact with for a while.. and on that high note I noticed a post of his in my feed, about a really cool style of house which he posted via some architectural page... I got all excited when I saw it because it was very similar to a house that I have been dreaming of building for quite some time.. So without really thinking about it, I commented on the post simply with a link to an internet site of the architects with the house that I was looking at, because I figured he would probably also find it interesting... (ps. I regularly comment on peoples posts, so it was not out of the ordinary for me)

He didnt comment back on it, didnt even like it, in fact no contact back, what so ever, and he has been real quiet on FB since then, except for a few work related posts.. Which to no surprise, leaves me feeling a bit deflated, guess I was secretly hoping he would use the opportunity to open up a dialog with me..

So here I am again, with my tail between the legs, wondering if there is any way I can come back from this one, have I really blown my last chances of dishing out consequences here mirror??? Have I just handed over my power to him, again!? Its just weird though, why would he come back liking pics, then all of a sudden just go back to ignorance again, is it because I didnt continue liking his pics after that? I mean I also posted quite a few amazing shots since then which he just ignored.. I just dont get it, or did he just want me to see that he is on holiday, doing well, and not as broke as he was the last time I saw him? (ps: he is an artist/photographer) Or is it just, once again, the universe showing me that he really just doesnt care?

I'm so bad with this no contact thing mirror, even though I really value everything you say here, I really do! The problem is that I still care about him, even though he is such a weazel and doesn't deserve it! .. and that makes it hard.. and yes, I realise its time for another break from social media :). What if, in future, he comes and likes something again, or contacts me, should I still be no contact with him?

Thanks for your time mirror!; January 29, 2014 at 5:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
I wholly agree dear. And I realize that people are only human and therefore, thus flawed. If we were perfect, we'd be Gods - not humans.

However, as you've stated and understand, while everyone has their faults, insecurities to an extent, maybe some baggage, maybe life has treated them harshly, etc. - I get it, I do - I've been there. But that does not give you license to "punish" all others that follow those events and happenings in your life. You cannot use others like a punching bag to work out your "stuff." You need to rely on your coping mechanisms and build up those personal skills in order to deal with, accept and work those things out.

Look at yourself Gem. You've shared stories here. Men have not treated you well, stemming back to your childhood. And guess what? You do NOT go around punishing them for it, hurting them, manipulating them using them, etc. I, too, have had my own negative experiences. I don't go around kicking men in the teeth. I don't put up with any crap from them or poor treatment and when they dish it out, I do not feel bad about walking away, ignoring them, etc. - but I do NOT start the poor treatment and games. I conduct myself as my "best self" and if they take advantage of that or underestimate me and treat me poorly because of it, then so be it, they get what they give. But I do not go around entering into situations with men manipulating them, using them, etc. I treat everyone equal at first - and if they then treat me poorly, I adjust that - but I don't start it, I don't start off on that foot, ya' know? And neither do you.

So it's no excuse whatsoever for folks to treat you bad just because they had some bad experiences in life. They need to work that out using their own coping skills. And if they can't, then they're simply not ready to date and they need to focus on themselves and maybe even get therapy if need be, so that they become "whole" again - and are capable of maintaining a healthy relationship.

I'm sure right now what you're witnessing is making you cringe. But just be glad that isn't you dear. Be glad that you're not on the receiving end of that crap. Be glad that you love yourself more than your GF loves herself right now.

Maybe someday you can help her Gem. But don't try right now, let this play out. It's the only way she's going to learn that she's worth more than this. It's the only way that she'll someday, become open to really "hearing" you about this topic. And when she's ready to "hear" you, you'll know, and you'll know what to do.

I'd rather be happy and single than be coupled up and feeling lonely and miserable.

Single life can really have its perks ladies. You're the captain of your own ship. Do NOT mourn it - embrace it fully :-); January 29, 2014 at 10:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 28, 9:46 PM,
I'm sorry this happened to you dear :-( Very sorry. However, speaking to him again is NOT going to give you the closure you think it will. As a matter of fact, it will do the EXACT opposite. It will tear that wound wide open and pour salt right into it. It's not the answer dear. It's not what's going to make you heal. What's going to make you heal is taking the time away from dating to cope with it properly on your own. No one can assist you in that as well as you can assist yourself dear.

"i asked what he wanted he said nothing serious at the moment."

The next time a man tells you he want nothing serious - BELIEVE him. Do not dismiss that, instead, understand and accept what he's truly telling you. Because what he's truly telling you is that sex, seeing you, many times of seeing you - NONE of it is EVER going to change the fact that - he doesn't want a relationship. When men tell you they want nothing serious, that's what they mean. And no amount of sex or seeing each other is going to change that. Men do NOT bond emotionally during sex like women do. Which is why casual sex is actually very harmful to women emotionally. Because women DO bond emotionally during sex. So when you enter into a casual sexual situation with a man - know that you WILL become attached to a man that isn't emotionally attached to you. It's honestly very self-destructive behavior to torture oneself emotionally like that by placing oneself into those situation where pain, anxiety, suffering and damage to confidence and self-esteem will be the end result :-(

"its tearing me up coz I feel like I need to speak to him in order to move on from this"

He's not the answer here dear. The answer lies within yourself. The key to healing emotionally lies only within yourself - it will NOT be provided by others. In the end dear, we each all only ever have ourselves to rely on, to depend on. People will ALWAYS disappoint you in life and in the end, you're only ever going to have yourself to depend upon for support - so LOVE YOURSELF and PROTECT yourself as if your life depends on it...because your happiness certainly does.

So let's forget about him. He's going to be of absolutely no assistance here. He's not emotionally mature enough to properly deal with a situation like this anyway and his disappearance has already proved that. All he will do, all bringing him back into your life will do, is set you back emotionally. All he'll bring at this point is more distress and ill feelings, so leave him in your past, don't dredge that up.

Right now dear, I'd suggest loving yourself. I'd suggest surrounding yourself with people of value, that have something positive to bring to your life and that are equipped emotionally to support you through this. People like family, siblings, very close friends, etc. They can't solve this for you, but they can support you. Confide in them, go to them when need be, talk this out with them, let them listen. It will make you feel much better dear to know they're there for you. Instead of looking to him, lean on them. They're there - he's not - so lean on them.

When you're grieving dear, try a method I've used in the past. This method permits you to mourn and grieve, while controlling just how much of that you permit yourself to do (so you don't dip into a deep funk).

Cont...; January 29, 2014 at 10:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: When you feel sad and you need to release emotions surrounding this, go ahead and sit alone and do that. Cry out loud, scream, get angry - do what you need to do to release that. But you're only going to release this in small, very controlled, amounts at a time - over a long length of time. So that eventually, each time you sit and permit yourself to grieve, you're going to slowly start to recover much quicker from those moments. And over time, you are building up your coping mechanism. You are actually teaching yourself a coping skill - one of coping in a healthy manner while not letting it take control of your life. You're releasing those emotions in small doses, one step at a time, while becoming stronger and stronger emotionally as you do.

Here's how to do that:

1) Have your moment. Sit, cry, do whatever you need to do, and time it. You're going to start off giving yourself more time and as you go along, you're going to slowly cut back on the amount of time you permit yourself to do this. Start off with a 20 minute time frame - and cry for 20 minutes. Experience those feelings and release them to the universe in a safe environment.

2) After your 20 minutes are up - get up. Physically get up and get moving. Move to another room, go for a walk, start exercising, clean your house - do whatever you have to do to get PHYSICALLY active. I've found that this distracts the mind and increases positive endorphines in the brain and pulls you out of the dark depths. So after 20 minutes - get MOVING somehow.

3) Next time you do this, cut the time down. Cut it down to 19 minutes. Then rinse and repeat the process above.

4) Next time you do this, cut the time down to 18 minutes. Rinse and repeat with the steps above.

5) Continue this method, cutting the time to grieve and emotionally release each time and then get ACTIVE after.

6) By the 20th day, you should be down to only a minute, or finished entirely with this coping process.

7) If the pain is still there, start the process all over again and do a second round if need be, beginning at the 20 minute mark, for another 20 days.

You need to realize dear, that healing is a process. There is no magic pill that makes things better in a day or a week or even a month sometimes. And there is NO ONE that can help you to heal, other than yourself. Friends, family and the like can support you, but they cannot heal you. Only you can do that and you need to realize that it's a process that will take a significant amount of time.

Cont...; January 29, 2014 at 10:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: (And ladies, this is why you need to think long and hard about casual sex with a man that doesn't care about you. In the end, it's going to come down on your shoulders and there's a price to pay for it. So don't take it lightly and ask yourself, "Is this man or this event worth it? Is it really worth what I'm risking possibly having to go through later on down the line?" The answer to that is usually, "No." To annonymous who wrote this, please understand I'm not judging you or berating you here, I'm trying to help you. But in order to help you, we have to really look at what happened and what the issue is. And unfortunately, that requires "going there," into the dark depths we generally don't like to go. So please realize I'm here, all the ladies are here, to also support you and make sure that this doesn't happen to you again and I'm only trying to help you by exploring this in detail. I'm not trying to judge you or make you feel bad about yourself :-)

Try that coping method above dear. If you make use of that, it will strengthen you emotionally and it will also be a coping mechanism, a tool, that you can use in the future if need be, so that you release those emotions in a healthy manner, while taking the time to properly process them, accept them, face them and deal with them - and come out the other side whole and intact :-); January 29, 2014 at 10:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces girl with Aries male experience,
"So here I am again, with my tail between the legs, wondering if there is any way I can come back from this one, have I really blown my last chances of dishing out consequences here mirror?"

Well only you can really answer that dear. You need to ask yourself why it's so very important to receive acknowledgment from this man. Lots of other acknowledge you during your daily life, but for some reason, you feel the need for it from him. So you need to drill down as to why that is, why that's important to you.

There's no way for me to tell if he's going to give you another chance to issue a consequence or not. I have no way of knowing. However, it might help give you the strength not to respond or engage with him by reminding you that - each time you do that - all you are doing is effectively reassuring him. You are reassuring him that you're still there, willing and waiting. And once he receives that assurance, off he goes. So the next time you go to interact with him or engage him, ask yourself, do you really want to provide reassurance to a man that treats you poorly? If you look at it like that, it may help you to NOT go there, ya' know?

"why would he come back liking pics, then all of a sudden just go back to ignorance again"

It's called "the game" dear. It's meant to make you anxious, to keep him on your mind, to hook you emotionally - and to get you to pursue him - so he has complete control, complete say. It's "the game."

"is it because I didnt continue liking his pics after that?"

I'm not sure dear, but what I AM sure about - is that social media is a joke. Stay away from it. All it does is provide these guys with another tool to "mess" with women's heads with. Social media is NOT crucial to your existence and if it causes problems such as this, it's not worth participating in at all.

"and yes, I realise its time for another break from social media"

Exactly. I agree with that :-)

"What if, in future, he comes and likes something again, or contacts me, should I still be no contact with him?"

Well that depends - do you want to provide him reassurance that you're still there, willing and waiting? If so, go ahead and engage and participate. If you don't want to do that and you want to deal out a consequence, then don't engage and don't participate.

Cont...; January 29, 2014 at 11:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "The problem is that I still care about him, even though he is such a weazel and doesn't deserve it"

I'm not sure I agree dear. I don't believe that deep down inside, women care as much about men like this as they think. I really believe, and I'm not being rude here, I've been there myself dear so I'm speaking from my own experience here...but I really think it goes much deeper than that. I really don't think it's because women care, I truly believe it's because their self-esteem is low and their confidence is suffering and because of that, because this man is the one that did that damage, women tend to believe that the man and his acknowledgment is also the answer to fixing that. And it's not. The only one that can do something about that is you, it is ourselves, and not the man. He only ADDS to the problem - he does NOT fix it.

It's about your emotional strength dear. It's about issues of self-esteem and confidence. Those are the real issues that keep us attached and participating in self-destructive behaviors. Those are the real issues that keep us "stuck" in the never-ending loop of "repeat, repeat, repeat." And until we each face those issues, face those dark depths in our own psyches and venture into those places within ourselves that we don't want to go - the problem will continue, "stuck" on repeat, again and again and again. Because the real issue is not being addressed and we are projecting that issue onto the man - who has nothing to do with our self-esteem and confidence and is not the answer to solving that problem - he only ADDS to it.

I hope you can understand what I'm saying there - I hope that makes sense and provides you with some relief and a better understanding of what's taking place within yourself that's causing you to repeat this process - so that you can be the one to put a stop to it dear :-); January 29, 2014 at 11:06 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

So it's been a while but I have been reading all the comments on the site not just the disappearing forum but your other ones as well. I have to say 2013 was a hard for me dealing with my disappearing douche but it was like a switch went off in me right as I was ringing in the new year. I made a promise to myself that 2014 would be a time to wipe the slate clean, to have more fun, work on myself, and make it the year of ME. I sat there thinking why am I still thinking of this man that in 6-7 months has not even reached out to me once and I have NOT even contacted him in any way ( thank god). I guess I was so hurt and felt betrayed by him that I cried in silence but soon after dusted myself off and kept it moving. I finally came to the realization that if he wanted to be with me, he would be. Nothing would hold him back but the simple fact that he was dragging his feet and not showing his interest through ACTIONS was him showing me that I was not important to him. I don't know why it took me so long to realize it but I guess I had hope and now I see REALITY. He is an emotionally immature, selfish, entitled and lazy man. I don't think he is a player but I do feel that he would say some pretty words ( which I fell for) and he thought he had it in the bag. He felt no need to PROVE himself to me or make me feel special at all. He is a disappointment of a man and I see that now. And why the hell would I want a man that does not see how worthy and valuable of a woman that I am, the reality is he's not worth it. Since he has some money he probably throws it around and hooks women, then gets off on the control he has over them. He then turns around and treats them like crap and they take it. UNBELIEVEABLE!!!!! I guess he thought I was going to be like all the rest and yes I did make my share of mistakes along the way but if he was a real man he would have put on his big boy pants and manned up by now.

He's not a man and I think deep down he knows it, in fact he admitted it to me without actually saying it. He said "I like to be the one in control in my relationships" and he also admitted his jealousy issues, he didn't want another man looking at his girl. To me those words spoke loud and clear and I don't know why I didn't see it then but I SEE it now. You're absolutely right Mirror "No Contact" does give you the clarity to see things logically rather than emotionally. Deep down he knows what he did to me and perhaps will never have the balls to face me. Is it possible that someone can sense your strength and say I'm not even going to contact her? HaHaHa. Oh well so be it. Do I even want him back after I have already SEEN the type of man he is??? NAH!!!!!! I am disappointed in him and lost respect for him as a person, as a man. Me being the strong Aries female that I am once I lose respect for someone or I'm able to walk all over a man there's no going back. I saw him for who he really was and I am NOT impressed. Anyways this year is about me and dating other men that are worthy of my attention. I am planning a great summer vacation this year but the ironic thing is I am going with mutual friends DM and I have and a cousin of his. So if I do run into him game face on. Funny thing is him and I might actually run into each other and now that I no longer give a crap, I also find that is when sometimes they come around and start to give a crap. Funny dance isn't it :)

So ladies, Never Let Them See You Sweat- because they're not worth it!

--Jennifer; January 29, 2014 at 12:51 PM
JD said...: Why should we never express our discontent or disgust emotionally or verbally but instead show that our lives are awesome? LOL

I agree about the social media thing and after reading the posts that's exactly what DM has done. But since he unfriended me LOL....

I heard from him twice in the last 2 weeks. I don't know if he really thinks once a week is called effort. It really does get old and once you realize how valuable you are, it will hit you and you will think to yourself...this is crap, I deserve better!; January 30, 2014 at 12:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"Why should we never express our discontent or disgust emotionally or verbally but instead show that our lives are awesome?"

Well, before I list them, realize that you ARE free to express yourself, your discontent and disgust - via your ACTIONS (NOT your WORDS).

The reasons for not using your words or emotions are many, most of which are psychological.

1) Men are turned off to and "tune out" on emotional displays. Do that and it's the surest way to get stuck with the "crazy" label and NOT be "heard." You'll be mocked instead (and not taken seriously).

2) No one likes to be around negative energy. Overly emotional displays are HIGHLY energetic and it's not of the positive kind. Emit that amount of negative energy in one grand display - and you're basically sending the man away forever.

3) People are attracted to positive energy. So what's the best way to draw folks towards you? Be positive. If you emit that your life is awesome, people then think you are too and they are drawn to you. And at that point, when your DM starts gravitating towards you - you're in control and you're free to do as you please (dish out a consequence via your action of looking and living a fantastic life but NOT letting him back in the door ;-)

4) The best revenge - is doing WELL. When a DM sees you doing absolutely fine after a disappearance, laughing it up and living large - the larger you live, the smaller the DM feels. Meaning, he starts to wonder why you're not crushed, and then he starts to wonder if you ever really liked him and then his confidence can suffer - and the tables have effectively been turned without you saying one word or lifting a finger to do so (and giving him nothing to label you "crazy" with ;-)

There are more reasons....but I think you can get the idea with those few. Never EVER let them see you sweat...EVER. What does a shark do when it smells blood in the water? It circles....and then attacks.

When you "sweat," you show weakness. When you come unraveled, you show weakness. When you're not in control of your emotions, you show weakness. When you're swimming in the pool of sharks (the dating landmine), you simply CAN'T be sweating or you'll get chewed to bits, LOL.

Stand strong, stand proud, keep it together, be positive - and learn to speak via ACTION if you truly want to be "heard." :-); January 30, 2014 at 9:06 AM
Sleepless In NYC said...: Sigh. I have another texter on my hand. This guy contacted me on an online dating website. We exchanged a few messages and then he asked if we could talk on the phone. I didn't immediately respond with my number so when he sent his next email, he included his number (of course I wasn't going to call) and also said he could call if I gave him my number....so I did. And then crickets..nothing from him for 4 days. 5th day (evening) I get a text from him saying "Hi this is Brian from [dating website]. Sorry I haven't been in touch. It was my birthday on Saturday and I've had very little time." Whatever ....I waited until the next day to respond. I guess he loves texting so he bombarded me with several other texts throughout the day. I responded to his last text (he asked a question) and got no other messages from him. Now today, guess what? another text!

MOA- what should I do? just ignore it? I am not interested in pursuing a texting relationship, and I don't think I should have to tell him to call...; January 30, 2014 at 12:16 PM
Hopeful said...: Hi MOA,

This is the Anon. poster from Jan. 23 at 6:33 PM. Thank you so much for the advice you are absolutely right as always. He's had to stay sober since the DUI so it's been about four-five months now and he was proud of himself which is awesome but it was really difficult to date him while he was drinking. My mind has been taken off of the DM and surprise, surprise, he appeared again! He texted me yesterday morning (obviously I'm not important enough for a phone call) and said 'Miss you.' I haven't replied back and he hasn't said anything else either. To be frank I'm feeling great about my life now and I'm loving not having to drive down there to hang out with him and there's no way that I'd want to after the way he treated me. I'd have to have zero dignity to be able to see his family especially after the way he treated me. His parents loved me too and I loved them so it's such a shame that he had to ruin that. Could I wait another couple days and use this opportunity for closure and ask for my things back? Or should I wait a few days and say, 'Miss you too. Hope things are going well. We'll have to catch up sometime.' I'm really not sure the appropriate response because I want things to be amicable and I do honestly miss him, but I am not emotionally ready to open that can of worms again and fall into the same trap because he knows me too well :/ On the bright side things are really looking well with the other guys I'm dating!; January 30, 2014 at 4:41 PM
JD said...: Aaahhhh ok. LOL

So I did receive this text from him.

"Good morning. It is cold again here, this weather is crazy here. 60's the last two days. But like 33 is the high today. Fed Ex some of your weather."

I'm like you're texting me about the weather again? How about getting to know me. It's really old now. I guess that is another fishing thing! I do feel like telling him this ish is getting old. But I'll just be quiet and let him be. He has shown me without saying it, that he does not take me serious and I am not a priority. So why should I invest anymore and make him a priority?

Sometimes I do wonder if he thinks I'm really going to wait on him or something. I do believe he knows I'm not promiscuous but at the same time I've already decided not to wait on him. Been busy getting my fit body, moved into a new place with my kids and starting online classes. I may have a new job soon! He sent that text in the morning. Last week he sent me one and I did respond but very brief and he didn't respond back. I didn't even get mad but starting getting tired. I didn't contact him back. Then I get that weather text Monday morning.; January 30, 2014 at 11:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sleepless In NYC,
Well, here's the thing. Guys like this are actually telling you something. And what they're telling you is that they won't call, probably have a million excuses for it like, "I prefer texting" or "it's easier" or "I'm not good on the phone." But you know what that really says? They lack confidence. They're not go-getters. They shy away from challenges. And if they're not good on the phone at conversation, then they're not going to be any better at it in person (which causes them to push for sex many times instead, to avoid those awkward silences, and distract you from the fact that as an individual, they have absolutely nothing interesting to say LOL ;-)

I know a lot of men claim to by shy, claim to be fearful, etc. I get that, I understand it. But here's the reality - they were born men. And the natural gender role that Mother Nature has associated with "man" is that of "hunter" (i.e. leader). It's not our fault that they're uncomfortable with their role. And it's not our fault that they were born into it. Just like certain things are associated with a woman's role, many times things labeled stereotypical (cooking, cleaning, etc.), there are equally similar things associated with a man's role (leader, provider). And that's simply the way it is.

So when men behave like this, the reality is that they're signaling to you that they're a bit uncomfortable with their male role. And most likely, that won't change in a face to face situation either because they're signaling that they haven't built up their skills of conversation, skills of determination, etc. They're simply not comfortable with it. Which is fine - but what they need to realize is that if they take the passive role, most likely they'll attract a dominant woman. If you're a woman seeking a dominant male (dominant used here referring to "determined," not actually dominating YOU), then the reality is that you won't be satisfied in the long run with a passive male - and you may even feel the need to step into the dominant role due to his lack of willingness to do so.

He's signaling to you that this is his "best" - meaning, this is as far as he's probably going to go before giving a million excuses as to why he's not going any further (not calling). If you don't want a text relationship and this man isn't picking up the phone and you don't feel you need to explain to a man how he should properly pursue a woman (I don't blame you), then I'd say "pass." Maybe this would be enough to make another woman happy, but it won't make YOU happy - and that's all that really matters - finding your happiness and your match :-); January 31, 2014 at 8:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
'Could I wait another couple days and use this opportunity for closure and ask for my things back? Or should I wait a few days and say, 'Miss you too. Hope things are going well. We'll have to catch up sometime.'

The choice is yours dear. But if you want to end it and get your stuff back and avoid games, I'd probably signal to him that I need to head down to that area for something (make something up) and on my way, I'll be picking up those things because I need them (make something up). I'd request that he place them outside, and I'd make it look like I was being understanding of him with that. Meaning, "You can just leave them outside because I know you like to be out with friends on weekends and I don't want you to have to stay home and wait for me."

But don't be surprised if he's non-responsive to that and/or agrees but doesn't follow through. Chances are he'll sense an "end" here and with his personality, he could then take to game playing, holding your stuff hostage :-(; January 31, 2014 at 8:54 AM
Mltn said...: Ladies:

Just a bit of an update on me. I want to say that I think I have been seeing karma in action, and I really believe that when you put negative energy out in the world, when you hurt people, karma does come back to bite you.

My saga involves my co-worker and friend of 7+ years. Well, there have been developments at work, and he may be losing his job. He's not a great employee (late to work, early to leave), but he's also terrible at developing and maintaining work relationships, so he doesn't have anyone "in his corner." For a long time, I used to defend him and go out of my way to give him work, get him acknowledgment, I was involved in getting him promoted. But he's obviously lost me as an ally.

Anyway, there are changes afoot at work, several people lost their jobs, and co-worker and several others had pay cuts. I am one of 2 people who got RAISES. My job is secure. And I realize that I am "loved" around here, I have so many rewarding relationships at all levels, from the top down to the part-time clerical help. The "big boss" and I joke around, my secretary "mothers" me. I'm enveloped in this supportive, affectionate atmosphere. And he's all alone in the cold. And that's a situation that he's created for himself. What he did to me is just a symptom of how he is, and how he is affects every aspect of his life.

I'm coming to realize that the chickens come home to roost, you know? That it seems like people can treat you poorly with impunity, and you suffer alone, but I really feel like eventually it sorts itself, and what they put out into the world comes back to them.

(I also fully expect to hear from this guy. A mutual friend has already been hinting that he's scared and alone, and that I've "abandoned" him. Pfft. He gets nothing more from me.); January 31, 2014 at 12:18 PM
Countrygirl said...: Hello Mirror. Do you think DM's ever check on our facebook pages and if so, why would they do that if they have disappeared? I apologise in advance if this has already been asked.; January 31, 2014 at 3:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Countrygirl,
"Do you think DM's ever check on our facebook pages.."

I can't really answer that dear because it depends on the level on the man's interest.

"and if so, why would they do that if they have disappeared?"

Again, that depends. It could be because the man is playing games (and wants you to chase him) or it could be that curiosity has set in (since silence is now being received) or it could be because he's genuinely interested.

There are too many variables dependent on each individual situation to really say for sure though.; January 31, 2014 at 5:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn,
"What he did to me is just a symptom of how he is, and how he is affects every aspect of his life."

Exactly. And it's one of the reasons why I generally suggest that women ignore all of the excuses men provide for their lack of ambition, laziness, fear, etc. Because the reality is that even if those things are very real and present in the man's life - it will NEVER change the fact that the man is always full of excuses, always going to lack ambition, always probably be lazy about leading and probably always exhibit fear - and ALL of that is ALWAYS going to hold the man back.

I realize we're all fearful. I realize we all have insecurities. I realize we all get lazy at times. But here's the thing - only YOU can overcome that. If you let fear steer the wheel in life, it will steer you into a ditch - in relationships, in careers, in friendships...you name it. And if those fears, insecurities, laziness, entitlement - whatever it is - are controlling the individuals life, no one can help them stop it but themselves.

And while we all have these very human conditions existent in each of us, when you see "patterns" of it regularly appearing in someone's life and in different environments - at some point, you just have to accept that's the way it is and it probably isn't going to change. Especially when the individual isn't expressing any self-awareness about the fact that they're like that and they're letting it control them - unless they really have a profound event happen that forces the change within THEM.

You can give someone like that all of the support in the world and the benefit of doubt over and over and over again - but guess what? Until they REALIZE their self-destructive behavior, until THEY develop self-awareness about it...nothing YOU or anyone else does is EVER going to change them and no amount of support will assist them. They are doomed to continue repeating their mistakes and experiencing the consequences of them (via karma) until the universe sees they finally "get it."

And that's why I don't suggest investing emotionally or otherwise in individuals like that. Because you can literally spend years of your life waiting for the "lights to come on" in someone. Waiting for them to finally appreciate you. Waiting for them to finally acknowledge you as important. Waiting for them to finally realize they have feelings for you. Waiting for them to finally become ambitious. Waiting for them to finally pick up the phone and call. Waiting, waiting, waiting - and there's no guarantee it'll EVER happen. So why give up your entire existence to take on a possibly lifelong "project" like that, that may or may not ever provide any ROI (return on investment)?

It's not worth it gals. It's much wiser to accept who the individual is, accept that they probably cannot make you happy or provide you with what you need - and stop trying to "fix" them...so you can live your life, find your happiness, and not be constantly weighed down trying to wait for things to get better or erroneously believe your support and encouragement will ever "fix" them - cause it won't.

"Ya' know, when we first met he was very rude, very ignorant to me, never called, dated other women, went sneaking around, was very deceptive and very lazy. But after 7 years of me constantly loving and supporting him, and constantly looking after him - all of a sudden, he realized my value and he became Prince Charming and we lived happily ever after."

Said NO woman EVER.; January 31, 2014 at 6:00 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Mltn, Thanks for your post. I appreciated the message.

@ Ms. Mirror, I stopped talking w/GF about respect for self in the Fall – it was a waste of my energy. I rec’d a new Nook for holidays, so gave her my old one to read the books on. I hope they help her.

Funny story: I rec’d a very nice mssg yesterday morning on Match from a guy who lives in next town over and who mssgd me when I first joined Match. I kindly declined his interest back then because he didn’t fit what I was looking for in height.

His mssg yesterday showed that he thoroughly read my profile. He commented he thought he had tried to get my attention before and wrote of the things we had in common from our profiles. This time, this guy did a really good job of selling himself to me. He was funny and persistent. He commented on our heights being the same (he must have remembered my prior email to him) and ended his mssg with, “Hope I get your attention this time And I hope for Valentines day I get a date with a sweetheart like you !! I think we should just meet for a friendly cold beer at ** and c if we like each other ?? Hope you feel the same !! (his name)”

Because of his 2nd effort, I wrote him back last night ( 7 hrs later) and let him know he had my attention. I tried to keep my response short and light and did not respond to his non-specific drink/meet suggestion. My goal was just to let him know I was interested, and follow Ms. Mirror’s advice to slow it down a bit with more mssgs, phone call, etc.

Continued; January 31, 2014 at 8:17 PM
Gemini50 said...: Continued 2 of 2

So this morning I received a mssg back from him. Immediately, I could feel it was different (and for a laugh, note the exclamation points -- just like Court Officer) > Hey (Gem50) !! Hope all is well with you !! I’m thinking we could chat here for a bit cause the next few weeks I got so many things going on right now !! I’d like to meet you after valentines day !! Have a great superbowl weekend !! (his name)

My first reaction was WTF?!?! Immediately, stupid reasons for this turnaround began racing thru my brain… (I know, I know, I know) But once I realized what I was doing, I told myself to STOP! Then I couldn’t stop laughing at myself and at the situation. I REALLY hate online dating. REALLY!

My 3-month membership to Match will be done the end of next week, and I’m ready for it to end. I gave it a good honest try. Although I wanted to run a few times, instead I just stayed away for a week until I got my stamina back. I can say that I tried it for 3 months and that IT didn’t scare me away for long. But what I have learned in this life is that I need to listen to my self and respond accordingly when I am not comfortable with something or someone -- not ignore and abandon my self. When I listen and take action for ME, I am successful. When I ignore my self, I fail my self.

So I may send him a response tomorrow morning with my personal email address and offer that he contact me AFTER valentines day. I want him to get the message that I am NOT sitting around waiting for him; and if it’s a rubberband reaction coming from him or if he has other opportunities, let’s stretch this for 2 weeks to see if it snaps. lol

It seems life throws people and situations into our world to test us and to teach us. And, for me at least, not until we have passed the tests without any stumble or doubt, do we reap the reward of moving on.

Take care of your selves ladies (Hugs); January 31, 2014 at 8:20 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,
Another end to your story is, "After 7 years.... he left high and dry the woman who had been loving and supporting and constantly looking after him, and became Prince Charming to some other woman."

It's not our job to fix these guys ladies... it's our job to be our best selves.; January 31, 2014 at 8:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Ahh, the joys of online dating, LOL ;-)

Regardless of the madness that it is, here's the thing - you stepped outside your comfort zone, and in doing so, whether you realize it or not, you've learned/observed some very valuable lessons. And you've also developed a healthy sense of humor and the ability to keep all things in perspective along the way.

So all in all, even though it may not feel like it, I think this was a success for you. I can sense that you're now more light hearted about the matter, able to see the humor in it and most importantly - you're not taking every single man that comes along....so incredibly serious.

While that may sound a bit weird, like, "Why SHOULDN'T I take every guy seriously, because I AM serious about finding a match." The thing is, not every guy you meet is as serious about it as you. Some are pretending to be, to receive sex. Some think they are serious, when in reality, they're behavior signals otherwise. And some don't even know WTF they're doing there, or what they really want, LOL. So you learn to, at first, "qualify" folks. The ones that prove themselves, you can then take a bit more serious. The one's that don't, you can have a laugh over. And the one's that don't really even know what they want and don't even realize the signals they give off, you can feel sorry for, LOL.

I can tell you what happened here Gem. This guy's probably found another date for V-day. Now that DOESN'T mean he's NOT genuinely interested in you. It simply means he probably wasn't expecting you to respond this time, LOL. so he took another stab with someone else OR someone else he previously dated agreed to join him.

And while at first that might seem insulting, it's not. It's the way dating is and the reality is that you've never even met this man and neither of you are obligated to one another at this point. But he has shown some consideration by letting you know and by agreeing to meet after and he did take the time to initiate contact in a very authentic manner with you. So let him have his date (which will most likely amount to a fiasco of some sort as usual), and see if he comes at you again after V-day. If not, oh well, you can shake your head and have a laugh. If he does, give him a chance because he's made an honest effort here. If it doesn't work, hey, at least you tried.

When on the dating landmine gals, you soon realize that a hearty sense of humor can get you far - real far, and can do wonders for increasing a positive attitude about it, in spite of the fact that it's more akin to a circus at times, LOL. You learn that not every man that comes along is to be taken seriously - they're not all worth getting worked up over and miserable over. And you learn to roll with the punches and in doing so, you actually become much stronger emotionally.

It's one of the major reasons why here on this site, I kind of approach the discussions about men in the same manner. I do that because it's a mindset you need to develop about dating in order to protect yourself. Think of it like this. If you enter a battlefield without armor on (emotionally open), you're very vulnerable and exposed to getting hurt. If you place a bit of armor on (less emotion but and a good sense of humor), you're now not so vulnerable and your chances of successfully reach the other side without injury are now much higher.

Cont...; February 1, 2014 at 11:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Dating nowadays is not for the feint of heart, offline or online, and it's imperative that you approach it knowing that in advance. It's imperative that you approach it with a good sense of humor, not taking every single man so seriously (and not taking them on as a lifelong "project" where you waste years attempting to pound a square peg into a round hole), and that you understand that you'll win some - and you'll lose some - but either way, you'll be okay and none of it is really a reflection on YOU. These days, it's more of a reflection on society in general and the direction our culture and mankind is heading into (which isn't all that good if you ask me).

So when dating ladies these days ladies, suit up and put on that armor. Be prepared to take some emotional hits out on the battlefield but don't let those failures define you. Instead, use them as learning opportunities that compel you to keep crossing the lines and fighting your way to the other side successfully.

And once you're there - you can call the medic, "(Wo)man down!" - receive a shot in the arm, and then jump on the plane for a second tour of duty, LOL ;-)

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, only this time more intelligently." ~ Henry Ford; February 1, 2014 at 11:44 AM
Anonymous said...: Great comment Mirror.
It is true...we have to be so much stronger now. Because of the changes in society and how men are basically not respecting women, we need to be prepared for emotional hit...thus not taking the men we are dating very seriously until he PROVES he is seriously invested. It isn't like the old days. My piano teacher is in her 80s..and she says when she was young..everything was pretty easy with men. They had to do all the pursuit. And they didn't ask you to "hang out"...it was always clear that dating was happening..And then eventually you would just be "going steady" and that was it. haha. She did tell me to make sure a man knows that you are "dating others" and tell him plainly that I don't hang out...only go on dates :) haha. I think her tips are pretty good. But she can't believe what dating has been reduced to these days.; February 1, 2014 at 12:26 PM
Gemini50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,
I agree that the online dating has been an overall positive experience, and the lessons learned will help my real life dating. Also, I am not offended or upset by his action, you are right, there is nothing invested by either of us. At first I just didn't understand it; it was a complete turn-around and (the thing I struggle with the most when it happens) it was a change of behavior I didn't expect and didn't make sense.

But it was a good, no, GREAT, reminder: words mean nothing. Nothing. Until you've seen that their words match their actions, their words mean nothing. And I am proud of myself that I did not respond to his words about getting together, etc. I kept it cool and loose and just let him know he had my attention and I was interested (period).

And to be honest, I didn't want to deal with V-day with a new date anyway.

His action was actually a gift (and I do appreciate him sending his message and will give him a chance if he surfaces after V-day). He gave me an opportunity to practice taking the action you have suggestion in your piece: Shown that I am not concerned; shown that I am a strong, self-assured woman; shown that I am not going to chase him; and shown that the rubber-band stretches at both ends.

I completely understand and agree with dating numerous folks, but it sounded like overnight he decided he would put me on the back-burner while he's doing whatever he's doing. And it also sounded like he wanted to be "chat-buddies" like Court Officer wanted to be "text-buddies." Learned my lesson with that one -- no thank you.

I responded to him late last night -- after a night out for all he knows > Hi (name). My subscription to Match will be over soon and I am not renewing. My personal email is ** if you want to touch base after V-day. Go Patriots!!! (just kidding) Gem50.

Like a Science project, I'm simply curious now to see what happens next with this little petri dish that's been put on the shelf for a couple weeks. Time will tell. In the meantime, I continue on with my life. Looking forward with hope and love and armor. ;-)

{hugs}; February 1, 2014 at 2:28 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Will u able to give me some advice about my situation,I'm feeling a bit lost and incredibly hurt so here goes.
I used to date a guy back in 2001 he was my first love and I dated him for a long time and then he broke up with me and broke my heart.
We obviously went our separate ways and we never got in touch again.
So now back in 2012 i looked him up on Facebook and found him and sent him a friend request and he accepted and I never thought thought anymore of it,I just thought he was married with kids.
But he sent me a private message straight away and we started chatting again, so this was going on few a few weeks when he suggested we should meet up.
We live in two different states so he kept pleading to meet up again but I was so hesitant because he hurt me all those years ago but I just thought we were just young and naive back then that I agreed to meet up
So i went up to his state at the end of 2012 (I know bad move on my part) and we had a great time and it felt like old times, so then I couple of weeks later he came down to my state and then I went up to his, so basically this was going on till the middle of last year, but then he pulled back a bit, he was texting me nearly everyday but he always suggest another weekend together but never followed through,and this is still going on.
I've not seen him in quite a while but he is always in touch, and just before Christmas he suggested another meet up, but back in December I found out I think he might be seeing someone else,he texted constantly over xmas and new year.
But as soon as January came he seems to be slowly disappearing on me, I text him and would not apply to my message but seems to tap me on a social media website. He did initiate a couple of times, but now I've found the girl he is seeing on Facebook she has not made her page private, so basically I can see everything she writes about him.
In one message over xmas he said he went away for a few days down south with friends but I clicked and worked out he went to her parents house just after xmas.
I just don't understand he told me the truth where he went but he said he went with friends?
I don't know what to do anymore, he doesn't know I know about the other woman.
What do I do now? I'm so distraught, I've been crying every night and he is just constantly on my mind.
Do u think I should ask about the other girl?
I stupidly texted him on Friday night asking him how he was and I've still not heard from him.
So he will either ignore me,tap me again or he might actually be honest with me which I highly doubt it.
Oh mirror. I'm just so upset
I don't know what to do I feel like such a fool.; February 2, 2014 at 11:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Just a quickie I've not posted for ages but I've been reading all the comments and taking it all on board.

A brief summary of where I'm up to, I had a 1st wonderful date (finally) with someone that I've been chatting with on and off for the best part of last year. He finally pulled out all the stops and came to see me and took me out. There's nothing I can pick up on that went wrong and he seemed to really like me. There was a mutual spark big time (no sex). Anyway I've not heard anything it's been over a month, I've been practicing the art of silence and he knows I'm good at that anyway and I'm not going to give in :)

I had an appearance off another DM after 3mths, it was quite pathetic, I received a notification text 2wks ago saying that he had left me a message on an app. He knows I'm not into all this social media stuff. I've ignored it, I've not been on the app to pick the message up, this was two weeks ago. I don't care if he contacts me again and the only way I would be if he can send a message like normal people and express some kind of regret and prove to me that he is worth it because as it stands I don't think he is.

I'm still on-line dating (Match) it is really fruitless to say the least...I won't pursue and will only wink if they wink first. I will look at many profiles but that is the most I will do first. There is someone on there who I do like we winked back and forth but for some reason he can't manage to drop me a line. I've stuck to my guns and not succumbed to emailing him. It's been hard that one as it is very dire on there at the moment, I know he must be a bit interested to wink but not enough to email ugh...

All in all I'm holding out for myself but I don't seem to be getting anything in return and it feels a bit lonely to say the least, I'm happy enough considering my situation and making the most of improving myself and my life but the dating situation all seems a bit stagnant and disappointing. I can't understand why this is so?? I'm doing all the right things but for some reason the universe is not delivering at the moment and I feel a bit blocked and disheartened :)

Any insights? would be gratefully appreciated.

thank you :); February 2, 2014 at 1:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
Have you ever heard of a DM and total commitment phobe meeting another woman and overnight becoming "serious"/inseparable with her? How can he go from one extreme to the other? (He is a narcissist and she is much younger and gorgeous, btw.) Is it just chemistry? Thanks.; February 2, 2014 at 5:30 PM
Anonymous said...: women don't waste u r precious time crying and feeling bad he is a jerk oh yes but why would be sad for months and waste u r time ? use ur minds do new things , read books have fun that's what i always do think like a man ;) they don't waste their time crying and being disappointed they go to have fun they live their life learn how to move on quickly !; February 3, 2014 at 9:19 AM
Zoe said...: OMG I can't believe this, my ex who disappeared on me 4 times before - but the last time so cruelly to even let me know he met someone - just texted me that he misses me lol. It has been three weeks he told me he was interested in someone else and I was so heartbroken. I hope she dumped his ass lol. I am not going to lie I am just so happy now :DDD And what makes me the happiest is that all he is going to hear is crickets.......Thanks for all the advice girls and MOA, karma is a bitch I love it :D; February 3, 2014 at 9:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 2, 11:20 AM,
"What do I do now? I'm so distraught...Do u think I should ask about the other girl?"

I know you're upset dear, it stinks. But - and you're not going to like this - regretfully, there's nothing you can do that will make someone love you and/or want to be in a relationship with you dear. There just isn't. Nothing you do or say can change that :-(

"I just don't understand he told me the truth where he went but he said he went with friends?"

That's natural dear. It's not right, but it's natural because he doesn't want to hurt you, reject you and/or lose you (as a friend, possibly a sexual option, etc.) And that's the number one reason why when it comes to men dear - WORDS hold very little value...it's ACTIONS that tell the tale. And right now, his actions are speaking loud and clear unfortunately. His lack of response "says" something dear :-(

And what it says is that you have to accept this and you're going to have to let go. You're going to have to rely on your coping skills to get through this. The only way to relieve the pain is to go THROUGH it. Again, it stinks I know, but honestly dear, it's the only way - properly grieving and accepting and relying on your coping skills. There is no magic pill unfortunately :-(

Here's what you need to do (for YOURSELF, not him):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And here's something to help you understand the concept of "consequences" (for HIM, not YOU). When someone treats you poorly dear, you do NOT reward them with more of your attention and focus and time:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

He's treating you poorly right now by not responding and that deserves a consequence - no contact and NO RESPONSE from YOU. You mirror his behavior and you signal to him that you don't appreciate this treatment via YOUR ACTIONS (the language of men), and not your WORDS.

If you confront him about this other woman, you're going to sever this once and for all in a very negative way that will, most likely, end up hurting you more dear. You've already "seen" it, you don't need to be told it as well - because it'll be even more painful and could lead to some really harsh words and behaviors on both your parts that could do some serious emotional damage :-(; February 3, 2014 at 5:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 2, 1:18 PM,
"the dating situation all seems a bit stagnant and disappointing."

Don't worry dear - your happiness is NOT dependent upon whether or not a man is in your life, remember that. You can be happy with or without one, the choice is yours. You can look at the glass as half empty or half full :-)

And you have had some success:

"I had a 1st wonderful date (finally) with someone that I've been chatting with on and off for the best part of last year. He finally pulled out all the stops and came to see me and took me out."

These things take time dear. Finding the love of your life is not something that happens overnight and most times, it happens when you're not even looking for it, LOL ;-) So just breath and know that things are conspiring right now on a universal level for the future...so keep a positive outlook and in the meantime, celebrate how wonderful it is to be independent. Having the ability to do what you want, when you want and where you want and with whomever you want...is actually a gift dear :-) Once life straps you down with a marriage and an obligation to someone else and obligations to children, you lose that independence and find yourself wishing you had it again, LOL.

So enjoy it and embrace it while it exists in your life dear - when you're down, the only way to go is UP :-) So know that right now, you're down...but the future is conspiring to lift you to your next new height dear.; February 3, 2014 at 5:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 2, 5:30 PM,
"Have you ever heard of a DM and total commitment phobe meeting another woman and overnight becoming "serious"/inseparable with her? How can he go from one extreme to the other? (He is a narcissist and she is much younger and gorgeous, btw.) Is it just chemistry?"

It could be several things dear and yes, I've seen this before, it's not unusual.

This young girl could feed his ego, she could be very naive and very "willing" to stroke his ego daily and to put her wishes aside simply to please him (ahh, youth, LOL ;-) But if that's the case, once she develops a mind of her own or asks him for "more" - he could bolt on her, too. Once the ego feeding ceases and she wants something back, he could go cold turkey on her.

As well, if she's doing what I suspect she's doing (which is feeding the narcissists "need to feed" on ego inflation and it being all about HIM), it's probably having an effect on him right now where, all of the feelings she's evoking in him currently are positive:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/04/dating-tips-persuasion-influence.html

Right now, she may be less concerned about herself and more concerned about him. She could be making a lot of sacrifices of herself in order to keep him around. She could be literally getting absorbed into his life completely, and thus loosing herself in a man (which is just how a narcissist likes it).

BUT...that changes dear. As women grow older and realize there's very little payoff usually for behaving that way with someone (it quickly leads into "doormat" territory fast), and he cheats on her (because narcissists can't help themselves when they're showered with attention and gobbling it up) or he betrays her or she just gets sick of it being all about HIM...she could then decide to stand up for herself, ask "more" of him and most likely, he'll balk at that and walk on her too. She could decide to devote her entire life to stroking his ego, but if she does that dear, know this...she's got little self-esteem and she doesn't value herself if that's the case.

Because any woman who knows her value and has a healthy self-esteem, realizes that getting absorbed into a man's life like that generally turns out to be a thankless situation in the end. It's a concept that Julia Robert's character is actually faced with in the movie Eat, Pray, Love. Where Julia realizes she's always been absorbed into a man's life, instead of actually living her own and having a mate that cares as much about her happiness as his.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

I think this youngin' is "optimistic" right now dear. But I imagine the day will come when she asks for more and he bolts on her, too. Narcissism is a personality disorder dear. And it will rear it's ugly head in this relationship as well if he's a true narcissist - the minute it stops being about HIM, and she wants it to also be about HER as well.; February 3, 2014 at 5:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Thanks for your reply,I'm the long distance girl who found out my disappearing man has met someone else.
If I go into no contact now do u think he will start to realise how he is treating me? Do u think he knows what he is doing it now?
Because I want him to realise how bad he has treated me? Do they ever come back to apologise?
This is just so hard.
I know I need to let go.
I just feel like he is so into her now that he has forgotten about me, even though we have been in touch for so long?; February 3, 2014 at 6:13 PM
Gemini50 said...: "I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

I read Eat, Pray, Love and don't remember that quote. That is ME! EXACTLY!!! I thought I could actually "see" a man's goodness... now I see it was their "potential" and my optimism. WOW!; February 3, 2014 at 7:12 PM
Anonymous said...: This is a truly awesome article! Very empowering and helpful! I have read this as a pep talk for myself multiple times since early January. lol! So here I am finally making my comment with questions, here goes:

Met this guy online around early October. I wasnt that into him at first. We talked on the phone and texted A LOT. This guys a crazy txter. I was reserved, yet interested. We went on a few dates all very fun. He is younger than I by 4 years; Im 30, hes 26. It didnt seem to phase him. He would say things referring to younger women he has dated and how he could see the look in their eyes, the look of falling in love too quickly. And how it scared him. I should note we are both recently divorced. I cant say I ever fell for him (except maybe now) but we were having tons of fun and I started seeing lots of attractive qualities in this man. My first mistake was suggesting a date at this place called the hot tub gardens. Its awesome, but very, very romantic. Like go there, almost guaranteed to have sex, kinda place. So I stated the domino effect unknowingly. We went there and didnt have sex (I said no) we did make out, but then he seemed very interested in spending the night, which I declined. But im a taurus and was very physically turned on. So I invited him to an event i was going to that next sat. And that night we had sex. I felt like he wasnt just in it for the the sex, but I got that feeling. The i know i shouldnt have feeling. He took me for breakfast the next morning. But not a single text all the rest of that day. So he pulled back. I gave 'em space. I never wanted to commit, I just wanted to keep going out and having fun, no with the sex added in. I realize that
I never should have gave it up. Even more so after a later phone conversation when he had been drinking. He admitted to me that he wanted a chase, he wanted a challenge. After the sex, the texts got farther apart. We did get together again, but that maybe was sex driven.
I probably initiated more frequently, but didnt go off the rails. My interest in him increased, as his seemed to decrease. It all came to finally near christmas. I hadnt heard from him for a week, so I sent a brief, hope your doing well, just saying hello txt. He calls, we discuss how we busy we both are and agree that we will be texting each other on new years eve. Well we both did, BUT, I got drunk, and i called him in the wee hrs of the morn, left a message something along the lines of, hey im your area. . . (stupid!) and called 2x more. And texted "Boys name" ??? Wow! I cant beleive myself. Im sure that scared him.
I apologized for the drunken txts the next day feeling embarrassed. He said it was all good. Then a few more days go by, he texts asking how im doing. I respond the same day. Nothing. Then the wierdest thing (this is why im posting, cuz im confused) he views my dating profile. This man knows what hes doing. He knows I saw it. He must have done it on purpose. That was Jan 6. Ive initiated NC. And its working on me. Im trying to forget about 'em, but the more men I meet, the more I want to hang out with him again. I feel strongly that we both enjoyed eachothers intelligence, wit, and personality. So still waiting for him to come around. Why would he view my profile, like leaving me a clue that he is thinking about me? Was he trying to get me to text again? Did he not see my response on that last text I sent him??? AHHHH I hate dating, but this website has given so much power and understanding of my role. I told this this guy in a conversation once that I was sick of being alpha male.This was before I found this website. Its all clicking now. I was always sugar mama or the one with her shit together in my past relationships. I aint doin it no more!
Thanks Aphrodite!!!! ps hes a cancer, but maybe north node aries.
On another note, a different dude that I was interested in disappeared, and resurfaced almost exactly to the month! Hes toast now, but its so true! They circle back, just leave them alone to their own devices!; February 3, 2014 at 9:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Im the Taurus interested in the cancer/aries: A few pieces of info: We were talking/seeing eachother for about 3 months before we got physical. I guess only time will tell. . . but I highly appreciate your advice on the matter. Ive been considering sending a simple winky face text, or a short audio clip from one of our recent nights, a song I played for him that he liked, fun stuff. Non verbal communication. After the 30 days no contact, and actually after Valentines day cuz that has relationship written all over it. lol.Thanks!!!; February 3, 2014 at 9:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, thank you. This guy did such a number on me. But your help in this forum is so helpful, so generous. It is compassionate and yet always reminding me I need to take responsibility for my choices. Here's hoping a good man stumbles onto my path. ;) You're the best.; February 4, 2014 at 12:08 AM
Pisces girl with Aries male experience said...: Dear Mirror

Thank you for your reply the other day.. It was a hard pill to swallow, but you're right there.

Its like I'm trying to fill the hole I now feel inside me with a man that has only been a black hole in my life ;-)

Its just funny how each time I really start letting go and feeling stronger he pops back somehow.. then at first I stay strong, but then, gradually my mind takes over and leads me on this rollercoaster back to him and responding to him in a feint hope that it might open the doors of actuall conversation... and then afterwards I'm left emptier than before, having given up yet another chance to stand up for myself, which is what no contact is ACTUALLY about... But he'll get no more reassurance from my side though, enough is enough!

What gets to me though, is, I see him being friends with his exes again, how he has contact with them again from time to time, re-connects with them even when they are in other relationships now with other men... Or lets say I noticed this in December, around the time he liked my pics... So then why, why does he not contact me ever, why am I so disposable, and mean so little to him.. And yes, that sounds very self pittying, but I'm not moaping around, it's just that it really really hurts, when someone that you care about (or you think you care about) treats you like you're nothing.. (Argh, I dont think I'll ever be the same in love again, I'll be all to weary of the fantasy talk and the rosey false promises that got my hopes up and let my guard down, and that made me feel like he is the one for me and really wants me, only to be treated in the end like a sexual option, and regretting the part I played in that happening)... I know now that he is seeing someone (the girl he met while away) and even that has'nt stopped him from adding loads of women to his FB (under the excuse that its for business tho) and interacting with them.. ???

By the way I came across this little article and thought that you and the ladies might find this interesting as well... https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?262-Silent-Treatment-Covert-Abuse

So, for now I just trust that the universe takes care of things, and brings what we need, and takes what we dont... and I'll keep working on getting my strength back and one day, soon, very soon, I'll be too strong to mess with by him or any other!; February 4, 2014 at 5:38 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous Feb 2, 1:18 PM,

many thanks for your reply and uplifting thoughts:)

I do need to practice the art of patience :) now that I've mastered the art of silence :)

My problem is at the moment that I'm struggling to do what I want (until the love of my life arrives) as I'm lonely in general and it stops me from doing things. For example it's my birthday next week and I won't be able to go out when I want with girlfriends as it clashes with valentines day and tends to be valentines weekender. Also I struggle to get out on girls nights out in general as there are not people available to do this and this is one of the reasons I joined on-line dating to get out and socialise and if I meet the man of my dreams in that time then great. However, after some success getting dates and coming to a standstill like I said with even getting chats on there because I won't initiate and maybe other reasons.

I'm drawing parallels with other areas of my life, for example, my career, I've made some positive moves but it seems like I'm in a position of holding/waiting with the universe and I don't know what is happening but I'm doing all I can and I'm not seeming to make much progress.

I'm mindful though on focusing on this negativity as I believe what you focus on can grow, however, it's really been brought to my attention and in my face if you like, as I just feel in a position of waiting at the moment and it's just a bit frustrating that I feel held back from doing what I want to do. For example I'd love to be going on dates with guys in the meantime for socialising but people are not appearing other than the ones who arse around and won't contact and I will not give chase.

So I feel like I can't embrace life like you say and actually feel quite stifled. You know whenever I go out (rarity) I always meet someone, so I always attract but I'm just not getting out.

I've joined a couple of evening groups ages ago, so I'm trying to find a solution. I've even been to a concert on my own but you just can't go to bars on your own as a girl but I just want to get out there and be living my life and having fun with others. I do a lot of solitary stuff for example exercising and meditating and just being stuck in.

Any advice on what you think might be going on?? Do you believe in all this planetary retrograde stuff? Apparently venus was in retro until 31st of Jan which was supposed to have created all kinds of hold ups and problems in relationships and Mercury is due to go retro on the 6th Feb I think so there is more in store for delays etc or is this a load of rubbish?? I don't know if the man I had the wonderful date with has been tied up in all or that or whether he has changed his mind.

I'm just trying to work out what's going on so I can either do something about it or find a bit of peace and be philisophical that this is the way it is supposed to be for some unknown higher purpose for the time being but it all feels very slow and lack of progress and it's getting me down when I'm generally manage to be a positive person on the whole but I'd be more that happy to settle with some going out fun and I feel blocked from that too :(

Any insights would be greatly appreciated

thank you :); February 4, 2014 at 1:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 3, 9:31 PM,
"Why would he view my profile, like leaving me a clue that he is thinking about me? Was he trying to get me to text again?"

It's hard to say dear. He could be playing games or he could've just been showing friends your profile as a woman he dated - you just don't know unfortunately.

"Did he not see my response on that last text I sent him?"

Oh he saw it - but his silence is actually "saying" something dear, so no, don't contact this man again.

"I was always sugar mama or the one with her shit together in my past relationships. I aint doin it no more! "

That's right dear - no more "projects" or taking home strays ;-)

I'd sit tight with this one and see what HIS next move will be. If he doesn't make any, then so be it. But in the meantime, keep dating other men and exploring your options. Keep living your life and moving forward. If he wants you, he knows where to find you dear :-); February 4, 2014 at 5:20 PM
Rabbit said...: Hi MoA--thank you for responding to me last month. You are so right on everything regarding my situation. I really appreciate your kind words and not judging me too harshly. I know I've done a terrible thing getting close to this guy and believe me, I've beat myself up about it way more than anyone else could. It's extremely tough--I'm the bad guy! How'd that happen? I'm supposed to be a decent person! It sucks, but ultimately I do know that this guy ignoring me is truly a blessing in disguise. I think what is most difficult about letting him go is I thought he was a good, decent person; someone who would give me an explanation for this behavior (I was wrong). I also just miss my friend. I could do without the confusing emotional connection (although it was intense and great, and woke me up to my current relationship), but I do miss our inside jokes and just talking to him. He cared about me and made me bust up laughing in a way that my current boyfriend just doesn't anymore.

I do know I have to let it go and focus on my boyfriend. It's hard; I haven't contacted this other guy in 3 weeks, and while I'm not despairing what to do anymore (like I was when we would hang out and talk) because he's removed himself as an option in my life, I still think of him and believe we could be friends (or more) sometime in the future. Which of course keeps me holding on. Nothing to do except to keep on keeping on and try to let go.

Thank you again for your kind words. I have and will continue to come back to this thread and read them as a reminder to myself.; February 4, 2014 at 8:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, love your blog and would love your advice. I have a DM (that I was very casually dating for about 4 months - kind of an FWB situation [my choice] but we would talk almost daily). So he reappeared after 5 weeks (I was the one who sent the last text). And during this time, my feelings have changed for him as I just don’t think he would be good long-term bf material (which I was considering at one point). Over the past 2 weeks now, he has made 4-5 attempts to contact me. The first time, he left a vm and said that he was thinking about me and asked for me to call him back if ‘I want to.’ 4 days later, over the span of a day, he called twice and left one text asking me to download this video messaging app on my phone (we live about 9 hours away from each other atm). I’ve ignored those attempts as well and haven’t downloaded that app. A couple days ago, I received a ‘no caller id’ call which was exactly one week (and within minutes) since he last contacted me. I picked up, said hello a few times, received no response, and just hung up. I have a feeling it was him. So my questions are as follows. Say I do just want to be friends and nothing more, should I wait a couple more weeks to convey the fact that he can’t just disappear for 5 weeks? I mean, even though were in an FWB situation, I felt extremely hurt not hearing from him during those 5 weeks, and I’m still on the fence about letting him back into my life as I felt really disrespected. If I do decide I want to be friends only, what do I say to him? I’m pretty sure he knows that I’m ignoring him right now (especially after I picked up the no caller id call but ignored all of his attempts), so telling him that I’ve been busy would seem a bit odd, no? I’m so used to open communication but I also don’t want him to know how much he hurt me. I feel like he doesn’t deserve knowing that. I kind of feel like saying that I had some personal issues to take care of and needed some space. What do you think?; February 6, 2014 at 10:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 6, 10:08 AM,
"Say I do just want to be friends and nothing more, should I wait a couple more weeks to convey the fact that he can’t just disappear for 5 weeks?"

Well that's your call really dear. But what you need to ask yourself before deciding is this - do you really want an UNRELIABLE friend? Someone who will let you down? Because let's face it, if a guy isn't good boyfriend material, nine times out of ten, he's not good friendship material either. And the same stunts he pulls in a relationship, he'll pull in a friendship as well. Trust me, I've been there, tried the friendship route over the years with guys like this and guess what?

They're just as disappointing as friends, as they are lovers, LOL ;-)

"I’m still on the fence about letting him back into my life as I felt really disrespected."

I understand that dear and you should be. Because as I stated above, if he'll disrespect you and treat you poorly in a relationship, he'll do the same as a friend as well. And who needs friends like that, ya' know?

"If I do decide I want to be friends only, what do I say to him?"

I don't think I'd go that route here myself, but if you want to, you just lay it on the line. Don't pull any punches. Men who can disrespect you like this...don't bother having sympathy for them because the usually pull a stunt later on that makes you regret extending that kindness and consideration to them anyway. So just hit him with the truth and then bail on the conversation (to leave it marinate in his brain for a while before talking again.)

"I kind of feel like saying that I had some personal issues to take care of and needed some space. What do you think?"

I understand you don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt you. Which is why I stated above, call it like it is - tell him it's friends only from this point on, don't bother to explain yourself (it'll only lead to tears and emotional displays, in which he's then reassured you care and he's hurt you) - and then bolt. Don't stick around to talk it over and don't enter into small talk on the phone. Lay it on the line and bolt before emotions kick in...and let HIM think on that, leave it with him in his lap and let him chew on that a while and see what comes of it.; February 6, 2014 at 5:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, quick question. How do you feel about guys who asks you to send them a body pic of yourself and you've never met? Would you do it?; February 6, 2014 at 7:12 PM
Heidi said...: Mirror,

Just read your post to Anonymous Feb 6. Didn't realize I needed to hear that message too, but your quote:

"...do you really want an UNRELIABLE friend? Someone who will let you down? Because let's face it, if a guy isn't good boyfriend material, nine times out of ten, he's not good friendship material either. And the same stunts he pulls in a relationship, he'll pull in a friendship as well" flipped on a light with me.

For several weeks I have been talking to the Aries who reappeared and I've been very cautious, practicing all I've learned here and thinking along the "friendship" line with him. But WHY am I bothering? yeah, he's putting forth effort and yes, he has apologized, planned dates, etc. But for some reason, it isn't enough for me. I am aware that this could be my issue, not his.

Can I say something to the effect of "look, if you are serious about this, and yes we agreed to be friends, take things slow, but I need more effort or I am out!" ( or is this another situation where I show him with action not words?)

Bottom line: I don't trust that he isn't going to fade off when I least expect it again & All of the sudden I am wondering why bother with "friendship" or casual dating or whatever it is that we are doing.

Shouldnt I know what I want with him?

We live 4 hours apart and both have busy lives, careers, homes and children. He KNOWS I am not up for any sort of FWB situation. So on one hand, I have convinced myself that the attention is nice and what is the harm with seeing him for a date every couple of weeks even if I don't "know how I feel" about him yet. On the other hand, I am too cynical to believe that this is going to have a happy ending. I am convinced he likes the chase, yet I am worried I will regret pushing him away. Does this make any sense?

No animosity here, no beating a dead horse ( he has already apologized for everything) but I want/need to tell him that I don't want to end up falling only to get hurt again. I don't want to be his buddy. I don't want to make plans for weekends and listen to his vacation suggestions ( that may never materialize) because I have no idea how I feel about him and suspect he's telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

I could, perhaps thank him for reappearing & proving that no contact works like a magic charm ( lesson learned!) and for offering a swell apology and some great dinners ? ( kidding) :)

One final tidbit : He thinks I am seeing someone else.

Thank you for letting me ramble on. I was not planning on another post but after reading your message above, I started thinking and over-thinking. :)

Oh Mirror, what would YOU do in this situation?

Thank you again for your time, words and advice. You have no way of knowing just how much you have helped me.; February 6, 2014 at 10:33 PM
LondonGal said...: Good afternoon Mirror (and everyone else)

I recently decided to use No Contact on my on/off Libra Man of 4 years. I decided after some terse words we had where I was unhappy about some things he said to me. However, I decided BEFORE I read your 'no contact' article, so I kinda told him I was disappearing, and you said we're not supposed to do that. Do you think I've messed up the chances of NC working, then? I told him I thought it would be a good idea to 'make myself scarce' (my words). He replied with 'OK? A bit OTT no? x' and I replied with 'No, I don't think so x'

That was 8 days ago, and he hasn't initiated any direct contact with me yet, although he did comment on one of my FB statuses yesterday, which he hardly ever does normally. To be honest, I think he may be assuming it'll blow over & I'll get over it, because I've done the 'disappearing' thing before, only to cave in and contact him a few days later (my record is 10 days. Shame on me).

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you :-); February 7, 2014 at 7:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 6, 7:12 PM,
"How do you feel about guys who asks you to send them a body pic of yourself and you've never met?"

I actually think it's a rude request and it makes the individual, man or woman, feel like a piece of meat. While I realize that physical attraction plays a part here, how lazy can you be, ya' know? Like, you can't even bother with a date to see this individual in the flesh yourself...you're so pressed for time, you need an image sent in advance before deciding. It's rude.

You're not supposed to decide on matters such as that. You're supposed to actually meet the individual, get a feeling for their personality, get a feeling for chemistry - and then decide if you want to see them again.

Women tend not to make that request as much as men so I feel very few men understand what this feels like. It's similar to asking a man how much money he makes (which by the way, you should never do). It's basically like asking a woman if she's heavy - only not in those exact words. It's insulting if you ask me and if you meet a man that's that shallow before even meeting face to face, I wouldn't bother meeting him let alone actually fulfilling that request and permitting him to size me up like that in advance.

If he wants that pic, then tell him he has to tell you how much money he makes first, LOL ;-) See how comfortable HE is with THAT request. (Just kidding).

I had that happen once years ago. Back then, I was still pretty naive and I complied (but had no such image of the man myself). When I met this guy, I almost choked. He was very short, very wide shouldered, had a tiny head and was very "thick" around the middle. He claimed to be into working out, but it turned out, he was just some wide, small guy, LOL. This guy who was so damn worried about sizing me up in advance, making me feel less about myself in the process...had the build of he dwarf from Lord of the Rings. And his personality turned out to be just as crude as his request. And he was strange. He suffered from anxiety is my guess and he was afraid of trees and traveling long distances. Seriously, no joke - that's 100% true. (I could write a book about nightmare dating escapades, LOL).

Anywho, my point dear is - don't comply with that request. Men who are that shallow in advance of meeting you - most times turns out to be men that aren't worth your time to begin with. Don't sweat this one dear :-); February 7, 2014 at 8:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Heidi,
"Can I say something to the effect of "look, if you are serious about this, and yes we agreed to be friends, take things slow, but I need more effort or I am out!"

Well dear, here's the problem with that. It amounts to you attempting to take control and steer the relationship in a particular direction...instead of simply accepting that this man isn't capable of making you happy. I know women think that if they communicate their wishes and desires like that it'll help, but all it amounts to to many men is nagging and complaining. Which then makes them unhappy and only heightens and speeds up the end of the relationship anyway...an end that was inevitably coming.

You telling him that dear isn't going to change a thing. He'll make an empty promise, he won't follow through after a week or two, and you'll become resentful. It's a waste dear. You can't change people, you can't make them love you or want to be with you, you can't tell them how to date you...you only have control over yourself dear....and you've got two options 1) accept that this is the best the individual has to offer or 2) accept that this individual cannot make you happy and fulfill your needs and remove yourself from the situation.

That's it dear, those are the two options. Talking and words won't cut it and using actions here may only wear you out because honestly, I think this guy has destroyed your trust with him anyway. In which case, nothing will change that short of a miracle on his part. And once that's destroyed, it's basically over.

"Bottom line: I don't trust that he isn't going to fade off when I least expect it again"

Exactly dear. This isn't really about "more effort" being needed from him dear. This is more about YOU struggling with the fact that he's destroyed any semblance of trust here. There's no trust here. You're aware of that and you're struggling with what to do about it. You're attempting to "fix" it. But you cannot do that dear. You can't control the situation and "fix" other people. And to be honest, no amount of effort on this man's part will probably relieve that nagging feeling within you. There will probably always be this little voice wondering, "Is he going to bolt again?"

When that happens dear, it's best to accept the situation for what it is - which is broken. He's broken your trust and he's destroyed any chance of a real future here with you in doing so. As a result dear, I think it's probably best to slowly fade away on him and let this go :-( If he already thinks you're seeing someone else, then there's your opening and excuse to do so.

Think it over and if any of what I've said above resonates with you, then you'll know what you need to do dear - just listen to your gut :-); February 7, 2014 at 8:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LondonGal,
Well dear, you just have to stick to your guns here is all - and see this NC through. If you remain gone long enough (and don't respond to his first few contacts or interactions), he'll eventually feel an "end" here. When that happens, he'll know you're serious.

And then see what he does about that. Only time will tell dear, so you'll have to be patient and see this through and stand your ground on it :-); February 7, 2014 at 8:20 AM
Heidi said...: Mirror,

Everything you say resonates with me. I can't imagine a scenario where we live happily ever after.

Plus, I am overwhelmed by the sudden "surge" of family members ( his) asking questions about what is going on.

I need to fade away from not only him, but his children, siblings, nieces as well as mutual friends.

This man is not "the one" and I know this, but that fact alone makes me sad. I worry that I will regret this decision.

Thank you for your help figuring this out.

He is supposed to visit tomorrow but I haven't heard from him to confirm... we shall see what happens. If he DOES call, should I cancel?

TGIF; February 7, 2014 at 10:09 AM
Rickie said...: PART 1:

Without getting into the specific details, as I've written in the past and gotten great advice, I'd love to hear your opinion on this latest situation, Mirror. I'm pretty sure I've "decoded" the nonsense myself, but again, hearing your take on it would be greatly appreciated.

Been "seeing" this guy since October, but since the last time we actually spent any time with each other at the end of October, I've only SEEN him two or three times when I had to get work done on my car, which happens to be where he works, and where I first encountered him back in April.
Now, he's not exactly a disappearing man, as he stays in semi-regular contact, but I guess what's the most frustrating is literally his ability to APPEAR and spend time with me. lol
He initially said that were "seeing" each other, which I took to mean as a casual arrangement, separate from the actual spending time together issue. Last month, I told him that I had been asked out on a date (I fibbed, yes. I wanted to see what he would say.....), and he told me that he wasn't comfortable with that. Since it was a fib anyway, I just told him that I would, for the time being, fend off any further courters, and he said he would do the same.
A few weeks later, when I had to get work on my car done, I made sure I dressed to the nines!!!!! Truthfully, I looked pretty damned good. lol He asked if I had dressed up for him. I told him no. He asked if I had a job interview after. I said no, I have a few places to be. Well, he started blowing up my phone while I was STILL THERE, telling me that he had a suspicion that I was seeing/talking to someone else, and that it made him "sick to his stomach that the woman he was falling for" might be with someone else. I didn't immediately answer b/c I was truthfully fielding texts from my mother and a girl friend coincidentally at the same time.
To sum up that day though, by night time he said to me some of THE most beautiful words ANY man had ever said to me. That he wanted all of me, my heart and soul....my beautiful face with or without make-up.....with my sexy dress of in my sweatshirt....with my loving words and my angry words....blah blah. I took it with a grain of salt, but still, beautiful!!!!
He asked that we be exclusive with each other, with me agreeing that it included actually spending time together. Through the last few months, his excuses have been work (he DOES work long hours), grad school ( he takes classes a few times a week), and the fact that his ex-gf had his baby in December. They split up a month before she found out she was pregnant.
I'm not saying that any of these reasons aren't important, but he hasn't managed to carve out even an HOUR for me in the last three months. :-/ It was always "As soon as 'x' happens, my schedule will clear".....or "as soon as 'y' happens.....you get the drift. I haven't had any prospects on the horizon, so I've just been playing it cool, letting him contact me, going with the flow, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. (He's 30.....I'm 39.); February 7, 2014 at 11:12 AM
Rickie said...: PART 2:

The next target date is Feb.11th, as that's when his baby momma is cleared to go back to work. I guess she ended up needing a C-sect, and hasn't had the easiest time recovering, so he's been helping out a lot with his son. Wonderful. He should be, as it's his kid too. Here's the thing though.......I'm pretty sure that once next week comes and goes and he still hasn't made any effort to see me, I am going to cut him loose.
The question is, why bother to ask for exclusivity and tell me that I'm the one he wants if he has made no efforts to step up at ALL? My guess is that he doesn't want anyone else to have me, and he knows I'm a woman of my word.
I like to think that he's just an immature "kid" who had no clue as to how demanding taking care of a baby would be, on top of his work and school schedule, and while he WANTS to spend time with me, he's been trying to do the right thing by 'closing things out' with the ex when she goes back to work. He did tell me that he told her that once she's back, he's out. (Not walking away from his son, but done with being at her beck and call.) I think she MIGHT have been manipulating him a LITTLE with the situation, as she has her mother and brother to assist her, and she didn't want to break up with him in the first place.
So...............I'm guessing you're going to tell me to run the Hell away from this trainwreck? lol I have three kids myself, so I am sympathetic with the situation with the baby and her surgery, having had 3 c-sects myself, but........*sigh*.
Anyhow, any take you have will be appreciated. If Valentine's Day goes by without a word, that's it. There will be no more sympathy, and I'm wiping my hands clean. I was single for a year before he brooched the subject of "us", and I can continue being single with no problem!! lol
Thanks so much!!!; February 7, 2014 at 11:13 AM
LondonGal said...: @Mirror

Thanks for your response. Yes, I do know have to stand my ground this time. I've bluffed SO many times before, so I do believe he's just shrugging it off as "she'll be back, she always is". I would like for him to sense and "end", as you say, and see what he does.

Day 8 of NC. Sheesshh. It's difficult! Feels like years to me. But I'm choosing to believe that's not very long in 'Man Time'.; February 7, 2014 at 1:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Heidi,
"He is supposed to visit tomorrow but I haven't heard from him to confirm... we shall see what happens. If he DOES call, should I cancel?"

Well if your decision is to pull away from him dear - then it makes no sense to see him tomorrow, ya' know?; February 7, 2014 at 1:09 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ the Ladies,
Stay strong ladies. Take care of yourself first... protect yourself from men who just want to use you -- IT IS OK to take care of yourself first in life -- it's more than ok, it's your job. ;-)

@ Ms. Mirror,
Remember how busy the guy from Match was going to be until after V-Day? lol Well, I rec'd an email from him today at noon. I was so busy at work, I didn't see it until I got home tonight. He's still polite, and his message made me laugh. After gratuities he wrote> I was wondering what your doing this weekend?? I found some free time Saturday night around 8pm and wondered if you might like to meet for a drink at ** ??? (his name)

I can't stop chuckling over that. He "found some free time" on a Saturday night. Too funny.

Hmmm... Saturday is tomorrow. I have plans w/gf tomorrow night to go to bar down the street to see a couple guys play acoustic (and she's going to practice NOT approaching men (supposedly)).

So, dear Match guy, my response was> Hi **, nice to hear from you. (I am kind of surprised to be honest... pleasantly surprised.) I am sorry I can't meet tomorrow night. I understand busy, and hope the opportunity comes up again. :)

And then I continued with a 2nd guess of what he does for work... just light stuff.

I really do not want to have V-day in the mix of a new date; and it FEELS GOOD to give this man exactly what HE wanted: meeting AFTER V-day. Not sure I can explain in words how I feel, other than it feels right and I don't feel wrong or guilty. In the past I would have felt I was doing something wrong to him, I would have felt terribly guilty for it, and I would have ended up being his doormat.... this just feels right.

I'm learning lady! Thanks to you and everyone who shares their stories here.

(hugs)

To my surprise; February 7, 2014 at 7:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Rickie,
"I'm pretty sure that once next week comes and goes and he still hasn't made any effort to see me, I am going to cut him loose."

Yep, that's what needs to happen dear. But my suggestion would be that you NOT tell him this. If you do, he's going to use flowery words and lots of empty promises to continue to string you along. What you need to do instead, is cut the cord via ACTION. Cease making yourself available to this man via text, phone, whatever - use silence and simply move forward with your life. When he wants an honest explanation and he's ready to truly hear it, he'll ask. And when he does, do NOT fall for the flowery talk again. He's all talk and no action - keep that in mind.

"The question is, why bother to ask for exclusivity and tell me that I'm the one he wants if he has made no efforts to step up at ALL?"

Well dear, ya' know 30 years old nowadays for many men...honestly there's a name attached to that age group now being tossed around that refers to what I'm about to say here. And that name for folks in that age range is "adult adolescents." They're adults, but emotionally, they're still adolescents and very immature. Being 30 nowadays for many men is akin to being 23 or 24. That's kinda where many of them, where their "emotional age" is ya' know? Adults, yet still children.

And it appears to me that this guy is an adult adolescent, who is now a parent himself, that honestly...just has no clue what he wants. He can't commit to anything, yet he asks for commitments. He can't prove himself genuinely interested, yet he expects genuine interest to remain towards him in others. He can't make time for others, yet he expects others to sit around waiting on him.

It's all very immature dear and it signals that he doesn't appear ready emotionally. Because relationships, no matter what kind, romantic or not, all require maintenance to maintain. They're not one sided. He puts very little into them, yet expects the benefits of them. He may think he wants a relationship, but his ACTIONS show otherwise (forget the flowery WORDS).

Relationships require commitment, give and take, reciprocation, time spent, effort made, compromise, compassion, understanding - all of which he is clearly not ready to participate in. He may think he wants a relationship but the reality is that he's unable to do one single thing required to keep one going right now. He's either unable to, or he simply doesn't want to and is being lazy about it - which is immature.

"I like to think that he's just an immature "kid" who had no clue"

In many ways, I think you're right. But here's the question. Do you really want to waste years of your life waiting around for some kid to grow up and decide what he wants? Probably not, it's not wise. Never make someone you're priority while they're treating you like they're option.

Cont...; February 8, 2014 at 10:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I have three kids myself, so I am sympathetic with the situation with the baby and her surgery, having had 3 c-sects myself, but........*sigh*."

Well that's fine dear, you can be sympathetic towards the situation...but that doesn't mean that YOU need to put YOUR LIFE on hold for it, ya' know? That's HIS stuff to work out. You're not required to sit around waiting for him to do that. You keep moving forward and leave him on his own to work out his stuff right now and when he's got that under control, if he's genuinely interested, he can come find you and catch up then.

"There will be no more sympathy"

Keep in mind dear that there's a difference between being sympathetic and issuing the benefit of doubt. For all you know, he's telling you he's spending all this time with the baby, work, etc. But the reality is that he COULD be making time for the guys at the bar, he could be making time to play video games, he could be making time to join friends for an evening out. You never know. You may think you do, but when folks want to be deceptive towards others, they can become very good at doing so, particularly when others are making it very easy on them by issuing the benefit of doubt, which gives them plenty of leeway to do so.

Sympathy is okay, because you can be sympathetic and still move forward with your own life. But issuing the benefit of doubt and then sitting and waiting and believing everything he's claiming without him ever proving to you he's genuinely interest through ACTION - not really very wise dear, particularly when the man isn't even bothering to carve out one single hour of his time for you in 3 months, ya' know?

I think it's best to cut this one loose. There's no need for a conversation about it though because that'll just give him an opportunity to use flowery language again to string you along. Start to pull back, cease being available to him via text, phone and just start moving forward with your life dear. If he notices, he'll come around to see what's up. If he doesn't, then you don't even have to waste your breath explaining yourself to him.; February 8, 2014 at 10:05 AM
Anonymous said...: HI Mirror,

'Well dear, ya' know 30 years old nowadays for many men...honestly there's a name attached to that age group now being tossed around that refers to what I'm about to say here. And that name for folks in that age range is "adult adolescents." They're adults, but emotionally, they're still adolescents and very immature. Being 30 nowadays for many men is akin to being 23 or 24. That's kinda where many of them, where their "emotional age" is ya' know? Adults, yet still children'.

Why/how do you think this has happened Mirror?? I remember not so long ago loads of men wanting to be married by age 30. Do you think if this doesn't happen by then that men end up drifting as they have issues about getting into a relationship and then it gets more and more difficult as they get well into their 30's. Why do you think this is a difficult age bracket for men nowadays? and heard this period can be the midlife crisis of sorts. I know that male suicide rates are high in this age-group and I think that extends into early 40's.

Also, if this mens age bracket of 30's is an appropriate age for a woman personally to be pairing with them then what hope do we have of meeting someone ready for a relationship? I personally do not want someone older and I definitely don't want someone younger than 30.

Just wondered what you thought??

Thank you; February 8, 2014 at 10:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 8, 10:27 AM,
"Why/how do you think this has happened Mirror?"

Well dear, "times they are a' changin'." People are marrying later in life, placing careers and whatnot before marriage and technology isn't helping - it's actually causing people to NOT develop proper social skills that help them mature emotionally. Instead, it's aiding in keeping youngsters emotionally immature by not having to face one another socially and/or see the damage they do first hand, face to face, ya' know?

Basically, consequences do not exist that much for many anymore. Instead, they're "getting away with murder" and using technology to do it.

Here's an excerpt from a psychology piece:

"There are now three stages of adolescence: early adolescence that ranges from 12 to 14 years, middle adolescence from 15 to 17 years and 18 and over is classed as late adolescence.

It has been introduced because research now suggests the brain continues developing through and passed teenage years, well into a person's mid-twenties and thirties.

The way everyday situations and data is processed changes significantly from when a person is a child, to when they reach middle age. It adds that as the brain 'reorganises itself', people start to see and think about things differently and the brain becomes more like an adult brain.

Emotional development doesn’t just stop when we turn 18 and young people must be able to develop at their own pace and have access to appropriate support if they need it."

"I remember not so long ago loads of men wanting to be married by age 30"

These days dear, men are not forced to grow up fast like they were in the 50's. Meaning, these days, lots of children are "coddled" and "over-praised" - back in the day, there were 3 trophies, one for first place, one for second and one for third. Nowadays, every kid gets a trophy whether they placed top 3 or not. And this has actually slowed down their emotional growth.

It's not about the physical age, it's about the emotional age. (Otherwise known as EQ, emotional intelligence - instead of IQ).

"Do you think if this doesn't happen by then that men end up drifting as they have issues about getting into a relationship and then it gets more and more difficult as they get well into their 30's."

Not always, but yea, I have seen it happen. And again, it has nothing to do with physical age, it's about their emotional age - when they reach a emotional level that is now mature enough to be one half of a relationship.

Cont...; February 8, 2014 at 10:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Also, if this mens age bracket of 30's is an appropriate age for a woman personally to be pairing with them then what hope do we have of meeting someone ready for a relationship?"

There's plenty of hope dear...you just have to find someone who's emotionally mature is all. A man that's emotionally mature enough to properly invest in a relationship.

"I personally do not want someone older and I definitely don't want someone younger than 30."

That's okay dear. Again, it's about finding someone who's emotionally mature. Physical age doesn't matter. I know men in their 40's, 50's and 60's that are STILL emotionally immature. And I know men in their 20's that ARE emotionally mature. It just appears by the behavior that was listed regarding the 30 year old man being discussed here...there are red flags waving all over the place signaling that he's still very emotionally immature, and "real life" is overwhelming him right now as he appears unequipped emotionally to deal with it all properly and have proper expectations in line regarding exactly what is involved and required to maintain a relationship.

Emotional maturity is really what's at the heart of the matter. Emotionally mature men tend to be geared more towards gentlemanly behavior. Emotionally immature men tend to be geared towards wishy-washy sometimes very macho behavior that's very confusing, like a roller coaster ride, and is very unpredictable, inconsistent and unreliable - meaning, they're not stable yet and still need a while to "cook" emotionally.

Consistency, reliability, stability - all are associated with emotional maturity. Inconsistency, unreliability and instability - are all associated with emotional immaturity.; February 8, 2014 at 10:49 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Can I ask some advice please?
My disappearing man has ignored my last text I sent him which is over a week ago, I'm just finding this treatment really difficult because I really liked him.
Does he know he has treated me poorly and has ignored my text?
Because I want him to feel guilt about the way he is treating me, do I just stay gone? How long does it take for him to realise?
Plus I have a feeling he might have met someone else, if he did would he not delete me on instant messaging if he was really into another woman? Do guys do that? Why am I still in his contacts?
He also added me on a app called foursquare it's where you check into places and you sometimes get discounts that sort of thing.
He has about 10 friends on there and he is always checking into places so I basically know where he is, but he is my only friend on my app because many people I know don't use it, and I feel like I can't use it because he thinks I'm just checking in to get a reaction out of him, or do I just still use it like he is doing with his?; February 8, 2014 at 12:07 PM
Rickie said...: Thank you for your time in responding to me, dear Mirror!! I truly appreciate it, and will take your wise words into advisement. :); February 8, 2014 at 12:25 PM
LondonGal said...: Good evening Mirror and Ladies

Just an update on my situation. It's Day 9 of NC, and my Libra Man has just commented on one of my FB statuses (something he never does normally), for the 2nd time in 3 days. The last status he just commented on was one I had made 3 and 1/2 hours ago - which means he must have gone to look at my profile, as the status was too old to appear on his newsfeed now.

It may be wishful thinking, but it seems like he is 'prodding me', and wondering why I'm so quiet, and thinking 'hmmmm... maybe she wasn't bluffing this time'.

I'm determined to stand my ground this time, so I haven't responded to him on either of the statuses. I've simply stopped joining in the conversation on both statuses completely, even though there were other people involved.

Onward to Day 10 tomorrow. Good luck to any other ladies involved in NC. It's really tough, I know, but I think it's the only way to be sure :-)

~ LondonGal ~; February 8, 2014 at 3:18 PM
Heidi said...: Mirror,
Months of following your wonderful advice just went up in smoke.

It is over with Aries. He texted last night to see about visiting today with a wishy washy " Did you still want to get together?" and told him I was not feeling well and no, not this weekend.

Should have left it at that and locked my phone, Ipad and Laptop in a vault that only opens for people who are not crazy.

Instead, I initiated a text today ( his response? 2 hours later). That alone shouldnt have annoyed me but once he responded, we texted ( I didnt want to talk on the phone, my kiddos could hear) back and forth until an hour ago. Mostly me talking ( I know, I know) and him saying things like " I don't get you" and " I wasn't suggesting we get married, just go to dinner" and my favorite: "neither one of us likes the long distance thing, it wasn't going to work" ( which I KNEW. So why does it hurt that he feels that way?)

Now I am exhausted, mad at myself for sounding desperate and needy when I had been doing so wonderfully these past weeks.

Why I didn't follow your advice and fade away, I don't know. We both had a lot to say, but I didn't exactly convey confidence.

Now? I feel hideous. I am second guessing myself. One minute I don't want him, the next minute I am suggesting he come to my house in 2 weeks so we can have the conversation in person. He pulled back tonight, I lept forward. :((((

When he stopped responding via text, I sent a snarky "really? you ask plenty of questions but I ask ONE and you fkng vanish" . Good grief.

He responded 40 min later with " talk tomorrow, I am going to bed".

Think I left him alone? Noooooo. Fired off 2 more paragraphs on WHY I didn't want to take a stupid family vacation with him to Superbowl and re stated that I was the hesitant one NOT HIM (??) and asked him to delete me completely from his life. Finally ( wait for it...) I APOLOGIZED for sounding insecure. Yup. I really wish I had an excuse for my bat shit crazy behavior. Sadly, I am sober.

What have I just done ?!?

Once I managed to convince this man that I am in fact, a lunatic, I did another thing I swore I wouldn't do: called up my brother to analyze and discuss. ( his advice? turn the page) THEN, I emailed his sister back ( I was going to fade away on her too) and instead of making up an excuse to NOT go to some event with her, I said I was looking forward to it. WTF.

Someone please shoot me and smash my Iphone?

This guy brings out the insecure, crazy in me and he is home sleeping soundly. So annoyed.

Hopefully I can get my strong back, ASAP.; February 9, 2014 at 12:58 AM
Zoe said...: Dear Moa,

just thought Id give an update and I also have a question. I am still so grateful to you for this blog and all the advice and reassurance you gave me about my DM a few weeks ago. I was soo happy when I saw his text the other day, so content and was just smiling throughout the whole day basically :) But I am not going to respond, I know he would just hurt me again. He hasnt texted me since then anyway, so I consider it as a lame attempt. I still have feelings for him but I dont miss him any more. My mind knows he is not the one for me and I never ever want to become the codependent insecure stalker he made me become. I want a man who makes me a better person not a worse...Anyway, I don't think I am ready yet for a new relationship, but at the beginning of this week I had a date with a guy who I have known for a while (as friends only not a very close friends though). I heard from a mutual friend of ours a few weeks ago that he recently broke up with his gf. Last week I got a text from him, first he just kept it casual, he wanted to test waters I guess he asked me if Im still seeing my bf and eventually he said he would like to take me out for dinner one night when im free. I said ok why not, I thought it would be a good distraction as well even if nothing serious comes out of it. He was chivalrous, opened the doors, was not pushy at all, paid for everything and drove me home and in the end said that he wanted to see me again. I had a good time with him also. After the date he texted me a lot until 2 days ago when he texted in the morning asking how I was doing and what my plans were for the day. I responded im good and told him about my plans for the day. Then I asked him about his. Then silence. No response until this morning....so this morning he texts me "oh nothing special, just business as usual how have you been". Why did he wait for two days with this text??? Of course this time I wasnt waiting on it or anything like that bc I don't care about this man that much yet plus I learned from my previous mistakes but still I thought that I don't want to see him again bc this might be a red flag that he is a DM also. But maybe I am overreacting after going through all that crap with my ex DM, I am not sure.... but why does a guy wait for two days with a response, he didnt have 2 minutes to respond just out of common courtesy? Of course I didnt tell him anything and havent responded yet and I dont think I will. I dont know if he is testing me or playing games or was really busy but if he was busy, why didnt he apologise at least for the late response? I don't get this. So I just don't want to respond at all now and see if he texts again or something. But even then I dont think I want to see him again. Maybe I should be on my own for some time and not even date casually bc I am not ready for these games...Do you think I am overreacting? Thanks for all insights and advice.; February 9, 2014 at 5:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Heidi,
Don't beat yourself up dear. You're not the only one that's suffered a relapse. Emotional attachments are much like addictions dear, it's very difficult to change your behavior and yes, relapses are part of recovery in a sense, and are somewhat to be expected.

It's the reason I generally suggest letting the man come to you, it's a form of practicing self-discipline more or less, and it can save you from regrets.

Here's something to remember for the future dear - NEVER communicate when you're in an emotional state. I'm sure you realize the value in that right now, but as you can see, it's a very true sentiment. When our emotions are aroused, our communication skills suffer. It's not you, it's just part of the human condition. So moving forward, when you feel yourself getting riled up - take the phone outside and lock it in your vehicle for the evening.

But regardless of what's happened here dear, I think the bottom line is this - this man does NOT bring out the best in you. And we all want a partner in life that brings out the best in us, not the worst. So chances are, in the end, this will have been a blessing in disguise dear. Don't beat yourself up. See it for what it is, a natural end that was coming anyway because this wasn't a match dear - HE wasn't your match :-(

And look at the bright side - you're now free of him. You're now free to balance yourself and to move forward with the tools to seek out a proper match for yourself. A man that brings out the best in you, one that supports you and encourages you, one that treats you properly and doesn't even provoke these feelings within you - and one that wants what you want dear :-)

I think after the smoke clears here, there will come a day that you'll be able to look back on this all and have a laugh dear - and see that in the end, it was for the best.; February 9, 2014 at 9:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Zoe,
"Why did he wait for two days with this text?"

I can't say for sure dear, but I sense a bit of insecurity. Meaning, when he found out that you actually HAD plans that day, and you weren't sitting around waiting to hear from him and keeping your schedule open for a last minute request from him (as many men tend to expect)...I think it made him a bit insecure. Like, "Hmph, wow, she actually made plans instead of sitting around waiting for me." I can't say for sure, but it's kinda reading like that to me. I think it threw him a bit (but that's okay, you should have a life outside of a man, and a man should respect that about you :-)

"why didnt he apologise at least for the late response?"

Because he's probably a bit miffed and a bit insecure. So yea, this is a red flag rearing it's head here unfortunately. Ignorance is ignorance, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it, ya' know :-( And I get the feeling that this guy thought you'd be sitting and waiting around with an open schedule for last minute date requests from him.

"Do you think I am overreacting?"

No, I don't dear. Over-reacting would be to engage him in a confrontation about his behavior here. You're not doing that, you're simply OBSERVING his behavior, and then proceeding accordingly. And yea, when a guy ignores you for two days and/or gets pissed that you're not sitting there waiting around for him...it's a red flag dear. If he's acting like this prior to a second date - what will he be acting like 5 months into dating, when you make plans that don't include him, ya' know? It's definitely worth taking note of. When things like this start happening this early on, you have to pay attention because it signals what could lie in the future should the situation arise again.; February 9, 2014 at 9:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 8, 12:07 PM,
"Does he know he has treated me poorly and has ignored my text?"

Of course he does dear :-(

"Because I want him to feel guilt about the way he is treating me, do I just stay gone?"

It's not even about making him feel guilty dear. You stay gone because you don't reward ignorant treatment with more of your time, focus and attention. Never make someone your priority while they're treating you like their option.

"How long does it take for him to realise?"

That depends on whether or not he's genuinely interested. Genuinely interested men will care sooner rather than later (but generally, they won't even pull this stuff in the first place) and men that aren't genuinely interested, sometimes never care :-(

"if he did would he not delete me on instant messaging if he was really into another woman? Do guys do that? Why am I still in his contacts?"

No dear, he probably would not delete you from his contacts. If he's a player or an ignorant kinda guy, he'll keep you around as a "Plan B" (an existing sexual option, should things not work out with someone else).

"He also added me on a app called foursquare it's where you check into places... I feel like I can't use it because he thinks I'm just checking in to get a reaction out of him, or do I just still use it like he is doing with his?"

I wouldn't bother to use it in the first place dear. I really don't understand some of this social technology. I mean, why does the world need to know your every move, ya' know? It's no one's business where you're at. And even worse, it always amazes me when people are checking into places on this type of technology and Facebook and whatnot...letting the whole world (and criminals) know that you're not home. There have been a slew of situations where peoples homes are broken into, because people have found out that the individual wasn't home - from a social media update. If it were me, I wouldn't use it for that reason alone dear. When people want to be spiteful or are jealous, sometimes they resort to some real low stuff (like robbing you or destroying your property).; February 9, 2014 at 9:49 AM
Confused Aries said...: I love the advice, but I wish I would've read this yesterday!

I am an Aries woman dating/fwb relationship with a older leo man who is 8 years my senior and it was beautiful at first. He did all the chasing and waited 4 months until I was ready to take the next step, as I only slept with one other person. We continued to go out once or twice a week and talked daily. But last week while I was at his house, he asked if I was catching any feelings for him. I got defensive so I said no, why would you ask that? He mentioned something about my body language is showing differently? I asked what did he want from me, he said he didn't know how to answer that question. I started to leave, but he kinda begged me to stay. That night, he texted me an aries/leo compatible site stating aries was suppose to be his perfect match? Couple days after he mentions something about meeting my friends, I said I didn't think you wanted to meet my friends. He said he was just joking & if we so happen to be at the same place then he would meet them? But for the past four days I haven't heard from him. I texted him yesterday "hey, just thinking about you" and nothing? I'm so confused on what I've done? Did I mess up by texting that? Did I lose him for good? I hope not because I do really like him... Help please; February 9, 2014 at 1:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror.
I'm anonymous February 8th 12.07pm
Quick update my guy has resurfaced after he ignored my text 8 days ago.
I asked him how he was and today he replied I'm fine u?
When do I reply?; February 9, 2014 at 2:38 PM
Heidi said...: Thank you for your response, Ms Mirror. Theme of the day: Giant emotional hangover.

You are spot on with him bringing out the worst in me. Still kicking myself for letting that happen when I'd felt completely in control for months. Guess that confidence is what brought him back.

Deep down, I think I know it is a blessing ( in dark disguise) and all I can say is lesson learned.

I am equally upset over how it ended ( my out of nowhere emotional outburst) AND the simple fact that it wasn't meant to be. I know this, and sadly he knows it, too. Seems like an easy scenario to recover from, but I certainly didn't anticipate this feeling of low.; February 9, 2014 at 2:51 PM
Confused Aries said...: It me again lol... He just text me "I've been thinking about you too. Wondering how you have been doing these last few days. Sorry I didn't text you back yesterday, I had to take care of a few things" I haven't respond yet?; February 9, 2014 at 6:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Why would a guy reply to my text that I sent nearly two weeks ago instead of starting a new conversation?; February 9, 2014 at 6:56 PM
Gemini50 said...: Update on Match guy:
He sent a message on Saturday telling me what he does for a living (another state court employee, this one a maintenance guy in a different town than court officer) and then asking if I am available next weekend to meet. (so, Ms. Mirror, you think he got the message that one-day advance requests will not garner results?)

I gave him my cell number, explained I am usually home by 5:30pm, and put the ball back in his court. We'll see.

Update re: going out with gf last night and her practicing NOT approaching men -- didn't work. Today, she thinks her giving her number to a guy is funny. I asked if he's called, she said, "no." It's been awhile since I've gone out with her, it'll be awhile again.

Have a nice week ladies, and remember to take care of yourselves first! {{HUGS}}; February 9, 2014 at 9:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"so, Ms. Mirror, you think he got the message that one-day advance requests will not garner results?"

It appears so dear hehe ;-); February 10, 2014 at 10:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thank you your comments about emotionally immature men - reliability, consistency and stability seem like really good ways of measuring a man's maturity.

I want to ask your opinion on two situations if I may.

The first is concerning a DM who left me a message on a Zee app after 3 1/2 months disappearance. This was 3 wks ago and I've not picked it up. I don't want him to see that I have but a couple of people have told me they don't think he'll know but I'm not confident. In the past we have never communicated via apps and I don't want to start now.

I was happy at first to ignore this but now I'm beginning to question if I'm doing the right thing. I suppose I am thinking in the miracle that he has left me a message that amounts to some sort of apology etc. then I could be missing that by not reading the message. What do you think, I don't think he'll know if I've read it or not?

The second story is quite a bit more disconcerting for me. I've mentioned recently that I had a wonderful first date with someone I originally met on-line dating and we communicated on and off for the best part of last year. He finally followed through, stepped up to the plate and drove long distance to see me and take me out. We had a wonderful time, however he has not contacted me since and I have done my usual silent treatment. I think I was living in hope that he might catch up with me.

I always seem to get the upper hand in the end and it seems to work the no contact. Anyway it's been about seven weeks and I got an offer sent from the on-line dating we were on and I really thought the universe had delivered that one to give me an insight to what was going on!

Here was me thinking that he was possibly considering if he wanted to see me again and I was giving him time, space and silence to come to some sort of conclusion. Well it appears the conclusion he came to was 'go back on-line dating'. It really pains me to find this out (I was looking on-line dating on another website to try and keep moving forward) he knew very well that I would be happy to meet him again. He's not been on-line most of last year, although he did tell me he had a couple of flings. It hurts to know he is looking for fresh meat, probably for a fling I would say and I don't even feel that I'm on the hobb at the moment and don't think that he even considers me an option anymore by his actions of restarting on there after all this time.

I think perhaps he knows deep down that he was not going to get a fling with me and although I think he thinks he might want a relationship, I think the way he goes about things his priority maybe sex and it's never going to lead to a relationship. I didn't have sex with him by the way but I do feel a bit mislead with his affectionate behaviour and although he was gentlemanly he was quite affectionate in a lovely way but it makes me wonder...

Cont...; February 10, 2014 at 10:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont...

He's not getting any younger (nearly 36) and I wonder how long he can carry on attempting relationships in this way as the sex earlier on will always sabotage the relationship.

I suppose I'm really disappointed and I thought that I could be the girl (not trying to do anything) who he might think she worth pursuing. Instead he appears to have let me go and has returned to on-line dating :(

The worse thing is when I was on-line checking out this offer I ended up clicking on his profile by total accident I promise. I feel this was fate too for some reason I don't know how it happened really. It's not what I wanted to do but all the same he will think I've intentionally viewed his profile and what message do you think under the context of the story here do you think he will get from knowing I viewed it?? I think he may think I'm on there active but I'm not signing up on that one again so over time he will realise it's not the case. Do you think he will think I'm some desperate saddo pining over him?? Sure I'm upset I can't believe after that date and the effort he made and the willingness to pull out all the stops finally after nearly a year on/off of communication and how pleased/delighted we both were when we finally met and really liked each other, it really saddens me :( I was really doing good not contacting him after that date it's been 7 wks and clicking on that profile by accident will be a communication to him and I think he may view it as desperate. It's really interupted the no contact and I feel like I'm back to square one. I got enormous strength in the past by remaining silent when he wasn't following through and he always came back but I think this viewing of the profile may make me look emotionally weak and less desirable in his eyes.

Now what is the most upsetting of all is that I feel he has just discarded me and is looking to pastures new :(

What do you think Mirror

thank you; February 10, 2014 at 10:25 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 10, 10:25 AM,
"I am thinking in the miracle that he has left me a message that amounts to some sort of apology etc. then I could be missing that by not reading the message."

Why would he choose to post a message like that on an app that you haven't used as your main source of communication with him in the past? It's highly unlikely. Also, if he did do that, it's lazy as an apology such as that should take place either face to face or via the phone, ya' know?

"he did tell me he had a couple of flings....It hurts to know he is looking for fresh meat, probably for a fling I would say and I don't even feel that I'm on the hobb at the moment and don't think that he even considers me an option anymore"

Why would you want to be considered "fling material" or a "fling" option for a man dear? Don't wish for that for yourself, you deserve better than that and apparently, this man isn't seeking a real relationship, only some superficial hookups from time to time.

"I wonder how long he can carry on attempting relationships in this way as the sex earlier on will always sabotage the relationship."

That's for him to realize and figure out dear - not you :-)

"Do you think he will think I'm some desperate saddo pining over him?"

I wouldn't concern myself with what a man that I dated only once, who then subsequently disappeared on me, thinks about me dear. Why trouble yourself with it, ya' know?

"Now what is the most upsetting of all is that I feel he has just discarded me and is looking to pastures new"

That's a reality of online dating dear (so many women, so little time) and it's an ongoing phenomenon there. So when you go into it, you need to realize that's the case and you need to put some emotional armor on - and you also need to not take every man you meet, online or in real life, so seriously. Because the reality is that for every 10 dates you go on, maybe one or two will lead to second dates. And only one or so of those, to a third.

It's a numbers game really dear. That's how men play it and that's how you should play it too. NEVER put all of your eggs into one man's basket, especially after one date, ya' know? It requires great emotional strength to online date, which is why I suggest it for women - as a learning tool (to manage self-discipline and to understand that rejection, things not working out, etc. is all part and parcel of the dating world these days...and to sharpen their skills regarding those things.)

However, if you don't feel you're quite strong enough for it dear, and you find yourself getting emotionally involved in each man seriously...you may want to pull out for a bit - because there will be more of that to come, ya' know? You've gotta' roll with the punches, not take each man you meet so seriously, try to just have fun and consider it "socializing" at first, unless it turns into "more" eventually...and just keep moving forward dear. You can't let each man you meet that things don't work out with set you back emotionally. Many are simply looking for sex anyway, so why waste your time and emotional resources grieving them choosing someone else to use - instead of you, ya' know?

I wouldn't worry one single bit about what this man thought about me dear. You went on one date and it didn't work out, that's all. It's no reflection on you, it just didn't work out. He was most likely seeking free sex anyway based on his short history there - so be thankful he didn't choose you as his latest "flavor of the week" :-); February 10, 2014 at 12:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

You're so right re: mr app communicator. I just needed to hear it :) He did try the facebook thing with me at the very beginning and it went down like a lead balloon LOL. So he's an intelligent guy he must of wondered if I've been on this Zee thing at all given the above and you're right if the message was anything of real significance he would have contacted me in a normal manner. I'm not sure as well if it was a bit controlling with this app thing to get me to go on there but definitely a bloody lazy attempt LOL.

and he was bloody lazy in the time we spent together in terms of what he was willing to give out - one of life's natural takers LOL so the application effort is totally in-line with his previous behaviour and so I can relax and let that go for what it was - so thank you for that.

As regards to the other one, I think overall with what has happened there will be a subliminal message that I'm not fling material and nor do I wish to be but I think the bottom line of it not working out was that fact.

I agree totally with what you're saying with the on-line dating stuff. I don't really consider this experience with this man as on-line dating per se now, alright we met originally on there but quickly moved off and onto personal communication methods and this spanned most of last year. Where it becomes on-line dating is now after last year he's decided to go back on a year later as a solution to recruiting new female victims, probably he's not that bad at all but definitely a conflict with wanting sex early doors and wanting a relationship (if he does!) - well good luck with that one LOL.

I am emotionally strong enough for it (on-line dating) and I've become more savvy in the last year but I still make mistakes and god you're right you do learn so much but I will take your advice and try not tell let the bastards grind me down LOL. I'm not going to take it personally, I know it's his stuff and funnily enough it's only been a few hours since writing my message to you but I feel a shift within me already and I feel much more stronger and empowered and you know what I think stuff him!! If he wants to do that then I'm not standing in his way LOL and there will be no reaction and only silence from me. I'm not too bothered either about my viewing his profile by accident because at the end of the day he'll know that I know and he won't be witnessing any reaction from me if you give someone enough rope they hang themselves!! LOL

and exactly who wants to be 'flavour of the week and fling material' haha so well put!! Thank you again :)); February 10, 2014 at 2:15 PM

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