Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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Anonymous said...: Wow............Amazing and just what I need. So true.; February 10, 2014 at 4:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 10, 2:15 PM,
"it's only been a few hours since writing my message to you but I feel a shift within me already and I feel much more stronger and empowered and you know what I think stuff him!"

There you go dear, that's the attitude - and it is a "mental shift" type of thing that takes place.

So just shift the focus off of yourself (and what you think you may have done wrong) - and place it on your future...and what's to come, now that you've wiped your hands clean of him, LOL ;-); February 10, 2014 at 4:51 PM
Life is Short. Smile Often :) said...: Hi Mirror!

I hope you are doing well and wanted to wish you a Happy New Year! It's been awhile, hope you can rememeber me:)

I had mentioned to you last time that the dapper DM wanted to see me and we kept texting back and fourth but never set a date as I have been really busy with travels and work - it's been almost a year now since I last saw him... Every now and then he would see how I'm doing and he even texted me on Christmas day which was a nice surprise. He keeps asking me when is he going to see me again and I have been telling him, hopefully soon I haven't been in the country due to work so it's been really hard. There were a few times after Christmas where he texted me on a weekend past 9pm asking me to come over and hang out with him at his parents place where he was staying during the holidays but I obviously declined as I was not here. A few weeks forward, he texted me again after the New Years to see how I was and then a month gone by I find out he found me on facebook and added me - YIKES?! Not sure if I should jump for joy or uhhh hide lol. What does this mean Mirror? Why has he searched for me? I really do like the guy, but it's been truthfully hard for me at this time as I'm barely in the same country these days so it's really diffiult:(

When the time is right I would like to see him again - a night out for dinner would be great to just catch up. It all depends on time at this moment...

I really appreciate all that you do and the advice you've given me. Thank you!!!

God Bless,

Life is Short. Smile Often :); February 10, 2014 at 9:18 PM
JD said...: Confused Aries: Did you let this guy know you have only slept with one person? If you haven't. DO NOT TELL HIM. Your story sounds a little similar to mine. One of the DMs is 9 yrs my senior and I also slept with one other person before I did with him...but I made the mistake in the beginning by sharing with him my views on celibacy and that I slept with one other person (my ex husband) Although this DM & I knew each other prior to being intimate (used to work together but strictly professional back then), it really wasn't any of his business that he had any knowledge of that. Looking back, it set the stage for me being conquered...and maybe his intentions weren't to just sleep with me with no accountability, but when you share yourself physically with someone, and one is invested more than the other, it screws with your heart.

Him texting you back days later...after you sent that particular text, doesn't sound too great.

DM has only been contacting me once a week. I do wait to reply a little bit, but the last time I did..guess what, left me hanging. And it's been 2 weeks. LOL! And I will never initiate to add him on FB bc he delered me, remember? I do have a feeling he is wondering why I haven't mentioned it. Well, guess what buddy, I will never mention it to you!

Ladies, just value yourself. I know it's hard being rejected, but a man who is for you won't treat you like crap and will be consistent.

Don't wait around for him. Keep yourself busy with meaningful activities. So when they do return, you will project ad irresistible positive energy that he may be attracted to. And who knows...you may meet the guy who gives you the attention you deserve!

MOA, what do you think about when people say, no matter how busy a man is, if he wants to connect with you, he will?

If ever this DM wants to finally "talk" should I even say something to him?

Another thing is...death to Facebook. Do not add a guy who you're interested in on FB. You will over analyze a "like" a "comment" why he's ignoring you, why he liked someone else's pics and not yours, why he viewed your message but ignored it...etc. Let him get to KNOW you out of social media. If long distance, SKYPE, FaceTime, PHONE.; February 11, 2014 at 1:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Will you be able to give me some advice please
I have a disappearing guy who is just doing my head in, he arranges a date together but never follows through I've been out with him a few times and I thought he generally liked me.
He just seems to be messing with my head.
I texted him a week on Friday 31st January asking how he was,and he didn't reply to me till 9 days later answering my question and asking how I was.
I still haven't replied to him yet and last night he liked one of my status on Facebook.
What do I do now?
I don't know if this guilt or is no contact actually working?
Do I reply to him tonight?
I was just gonna ask him what's going on once and for all because it's going on for to long? Is that a wise idea?; February 11, 2014 at 6:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"MOA, what do you think about when people say, no matter how busy a man is, if he wants to connect with you, he will?"

It's true dear - genuinely interested men have no problem MAKING time for you, even when they lead busy lives like the rest of us.

"If ever this DM wants to finally "talk" should I even say something to him?"

Given his past behavior and the extent he's taken it to, I wouldn't speak to this man until he's apologized. If he wants to chit chat, too bad. But if he signals some remorse and a desire to seriously talk, then you can hear him out - but that doesn't mean you have to make a decision about him right then and there. He's not back in the door...until he FOLLOWS THROUGH with all that TALK - via ACTION, and proves himself as genuinely interested :-); February 11, 2014 at 9:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Life is Short. Smile Often,
"he found me on facebook and added me...What does this mean Mirror? Why has he searched for me?"

You can't take anything that happens on social media seriously dear. Lots of people abuse it to play games and many men that are active there and do stuff like this, honestly, most of them are just bored at the moment and seeing what they can "stir up."

I've had men tell me this - that women take every little move way too seriously, trying to read into every little activity there. When I ask them what they're really up to or why they did this or that - nine times out of ten, they smile and say something like, "I was just curious. I was sitting at home, bored, and I just got curious and figured, eh, why not." But then they wake up the next day, and they really don't think much of it at all. They certainly don't think about it as much as women do. Which is why all this social media stuff, ignore it and take it with a grain of salt.

If a man is genuinely interested and really wants to seriously get in touch with you - he WON'T use Facebook or Whatsapp or Twitter to do it, ya' know? Those sites are for entertainment and passing the time. They're not geared towards serious communications. Most of the time, it's people bored, entertaining themselves with mindless stuff there. And because of that, you really can't take any moves made there seriously.

A serious inquiry from a genuinely interested man will generally take place via the phone - or face to face :-); February 11, 2014 at 10:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi M.O.A... I have been talking to a Tarus male off an on for the last 4.5 years. I have told him on countless occassions that I am no longer interested in him in a romantic way, but as soon as I stop dating another guy he's back in my life. I have never given him the chance to see if it could possibly lead to a relationship. Now a few weeks ago we both agreed to work on US to see if its meant. Honestly, I don't have to put in the work and I haven't because he's the one that wants to be in my life and there's nothing bad that he has told me about myself. So evidently, I must be doing all the right things. Just being ME!

Fastforward, it really irritates me that he doesn't follow through or keep his word for instance, he'll call we talk then all of a sudden he says let me call you back. I won't hear from him until the next day or a few days later. During those periods of no communication, I'm not worried or don't call him. I let him call me. Then when I', finally ready to answer his call after not responding for the number of days he had gone without calling me, then he says that "damn I need to show some interest"... Really??? He does this consistently. To my understanding, he has to put in some WORK to show me that he wants to be in my life and wants to work on building a relationship with me. He's always saying that there needs to be some consistency but I'm only repeating what he does. He's 10 years older than I and I believe at his age he should not be acting the way that he does. Its ridiculous!

1. He doesn't follow-through on his calls
2. He says he wants to see me, but doesn't follow-through meaning no call no show
3. He'll ask me to come over his house. I won't because I say so where are you taking me. He gives me NO response.
4. He says he's a man of his word. As long as I've known him that deems to be false acquisition of himself.

So, I ask you M.O.A. how should I handle this situation? I should not have to repeat myself of what I want/need from him. I've told him that he needs to show me that he wants to be in my life by being consistent with his words and follow-through. I guess I said it in a blunt direct way. So, what better way could I express it to him?

Oh, and we've never spent a valentine's day together (he texts me "happy valentines day" I don't respond and plus I think I was spending it with another guy anyway), nor has he ever attempted to buy me anything for my birthday (we've spent one of my birthdays together and we went out, had drinks/dinner but no gift, christmas (text me "merry christmas" )

Though, as the many times I have given him a chance, he wasn't the only guy I was dating; however, at one point in time he was but he seemed to playing alot of games so I'll disappear. He says I RUN! I just don't deal with a man's BS.

Please help M.O.A.; February 11, 2014 at 10:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 11, 6:26 AM,
"What do I do now?"

I wouldn't DO anything dear - it's for HIM to do something, not you. He needs to prove he's genuinely interested by being consistent, reliable and stable. If he's acting inconsistent, unreliable and unstable - then there's a high likelihood that he's emotionally immature and probably not even relationship material in the first place - because genuinely interested men that are ready for real relationships generally do NOT treat women poorly like that.

"I don't know if this guilt or is no contact actually working?"

You don't need to decide that right now. If he continues making attempts and starts to show consistency, reliability and stability, then you can take him a bit more seriously. But right now with the way he's acting, you can't take him seriously...because he's not BEHAVING seriously, ya' know?

"Do I reply to him tonight?"

That's up to you dear - but I wouldn't. I wouldn't reply to this man AT ALL until he showed me he was genuinely interested by trying harder and acting serious about it.

"I was just gonna ask him what's going on once and for all because it's going on for to long? Is that a wise idea?"

No dear, it's not. It'll only give him the opportunity to use flowery words (not ACTIONS) to continue to string you along. Additionally, nine times out of ten, a confrontation like that will lead to a heated exchange of words, an emotional display - and more pain.

You don't need to ASK him what's going on dear. His ACTIONS (and lack thereof) are already TELLING you what's going on. And unfortunately, what's going on here is that he's behaving inconsistent, unreliable and unstable - like an emotionally immature man that's not genuinely interested and that's stringing you along :-(

You don't need for him to TELL you this dear...because his behavior is ALREADY saying something, ya' know?; February 11, 2014 at 10:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thanks for your comment about the mental shift.

Talking of moving forward, the latest is what would you make of somebody who asks you in a text what are you looking for?

The context is someone whom I've exchanged phone numbers with from on-line dating. I've been a little bit light-hearted, flirty, not sexual. When chatting over with my friend we wondered whether he was angling to see if I was just after sex (he is younger than me) because a) that's not what he's looking for or b) that is what he's looking for.

Without going into the in's and out's in the context we thought it was 'a' and since I'm not looking for a hook-up I answered in a straight-forward manner, brief and general but not flirty because I don't want to misrepresent myself and also I was a tad concerned on the previous bit of a flirt I'd had, however, it was not over-board and it's alright to flirt but all the same, it's made me question my behaviour.

I definitely think his text of what are you looking for - was definitely sounding me out but not sure for definite what he is looking for and what his agenda is. What do you think?

Moreover, in my text I did say how about you, it is a awkward question to ask but he had asked me. I feel that I answered in the right manner but I have not heard back off him yet, time will tell but I just wondered what your instinct is about it?

I do think there is a high probability also that his delay in response could be also about (it's only been a day so far but I wonder if somethings up as he's been very responsive and interested previously) the fact that he is most probably at least chatting to other women and possibly dating them - it is on-line dating after all LOL
and the delay in getting back to me just about that so many women so little time and might be nothing do do with the actual text and interpretations behind it.

It has made me sit up and think though that I need to be a bit more careful with the flirting as I don't want to give the wrong impression but then on the other hand I don't think it was that bad - it is debatable whether I am questioning my behaviour unnecessarily. Regardless I think I made up for any possible error in my reply to him by keeping it real.

I'm curious to know what you think of his comment ' what are you looking for' - do you think it was a genuine enquiry or a loaded enquiry?

I think loaded but I think it's an acceptable question, fair enough on one hand but on the other but I almost feel I was put on the spot and it's a difficult question to answer to someone at this stage. Then again maybe he was just being savvy and trying to suss me out.

thank you; February 11, 2014 at 11:06 AM
Anonymous said...: My DM has reappeared after 5 weeks exactly - we went from casually dating/FWB to 'just friends' cause I don't think either of us were in a position to be more than that (especially me - I went from an open marriage that seemed to work for both my husband and me [but my DM appeared not to be okay with the arrangement eventually] to a separation because the open marriage just didn't work for me/was sadly more of a bandaid for our marriage). So now my DM has returned and, after over 5-6 attempts over the past 2 weeks, I haven't answered. I do have really weak moments when I think about returning his calls. But part of me really wants an apology for his disappearance and the fact that he ignored my last text even though we are just friends at this point. (Sometimes, I wonder if I'm expecting too much from him). So, last night, my (male) therapist is telling me that I should call my DM back and ask why he just disappeared. I told my therapist that I see no point in doing that -- even though I've been obsessing over my DM over the past couple months, it's because I'm a girl with emotions and when I slept with him I just got really attached (started getting clingy and all of that stuff). Now, with some distance, I'm getting better. He said that I should block him then and I don't want to do that either, lol. I think the reason for that is because I'm holding on to some hope that we can still have some sort of friendship. I always think about my feelings before we were intimate and I'm pretty sure that I didn't really think he would be a good boyfriend. (And a few times, he sensed this distance and would ask what's wrong.) So I guess my point is is that now that I'm feeling better, I'm still not ready to let him back into my life but I'm also not ready to completely cut him out either. Does that make sense? My therapist thinks that I should make a decision to do one or the other. But I feel much better (no more bouts of sobbing, the obsessive thinking is fading, etc.), so why not just stay with where I'm at? MOA, I've hesitated to include the open marriage part because I know there is a huge stigma against it - but, for anyone who is judging the situation, when my marriage was on its last leg, my husband and I thought this was the solution and we were wrong. It ended up causing more pain, if anything.; February 11, 2014 at 2:18 PM
Gemini50 said...: Couple comments tonight: one funny, the other serious.

Funny: When Ms. Mirror has talked about “Flakes,” I didn’t really understand the definition – until today.

Match guy sent a text at midnight last night> Hi Gem50 !! My weekend just got crazy and I hope we can make it next Tuesday !! Week from tomorrow !! ** at 7pm !! Hope this works for you !! Match guy.

NOW I know what a Flake is! Lol

Just for ha-ha’s I responded this morning> lol Ok. Have fun!

All I can do is shake my head and laugh – this petri dish is interesting. Can’t wait to see what happens next with this Flakey guy.

Serious: I mentioned that I had joined a female workout place w/gf. Well, we weren’t getting what we paid for in the online experience. It’s a new web design, and it’s broken. The ‘regulars’ also said they could not access it, and were happy they were grandfathered into the old site.

When my “coach” wanted me to meet with the owner to explain the problems I was having, the owner tried to pin the problem on me, my computer, etc. She refused to acknowledge that there was a problem with their website. Not only was she rude to me, she was also rude to her employee in front of me. When I explained that I knew I was not the only one having problems with the site, she said she would look into it.

Well, I sat with my coach 2x over the past two weeks, showing HER how to use the website. We printed out some of the issues, and still I heard nothing from the owner. So, I wrote a letter to the owner requesting a refund for the online portion of my advance 6 month payment as well as the $50 sign-up fee for my aggravation and the time I spent teaching her employee the new online site.

Instead, tonight I received a letter with a full refund of my 6-month payment AND an offer to start anew with higher prices. The coach was actually trying to explain the cost was cheaper. When I broke it down for her cost to cost, she was shocked.

Of course, I told the coach it would be the last time I would see her. Gf is aghast that I won’t be going back, but I don’t care. And tonight, cleaning up my kitchen, I thought about risk. In particular the risk one takes when they stand up for themselves. And then these words came: “Sometimes when you stand up for yourself, you stand alone.” And I thought of how true that is in all parts of our lives – even the dating world.

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourselves ladies – by taking care of your selves first. You may stand alone from time to time, but it won’t be for long. ;-); February 11, 2014 at 6:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 11, 10:09 AM,
Well dear, it never pays to waste time attempting to pound a square peg into a round hole. Meaning, if it isn't a fit, it isn't a fit. And nothing you do or say can change a man or make one want to fulfill your needs. So this appears to be one of those situations where, it's probably best to accept that this man isn't capable of fulfilling your needs, nor does he even appear willing to.

He seems as if he lacks self-awareness. Meaning, he's not aware that it's HIS own behavior that's causing the inconsistency. And I imagine that somewhere in his mind, he feels entitled to disappear and not follow through whenever he chooses - and he expects YOU to accept that improper treatment and still make yourself available to him, as if you're on call, waiting on standby.

This isn't going to make you happy dear. It wouldn't make any woman happy to be taken for granted like that. And this is one of those situations where you have to accept that the man isn't going to change and doesn't care to, and because of that, he's going to be incapable of fulfilling your needs.

And that dear, disqualifies him as relationship material.

Clearly he's not ready to invest in a relationship in the manner necessary to have a healthy relationship. He seems to want his cake and eat it too. And like I said, nothing you do or say will change that. You can continue on as you are, standing your ground and keeping things balanced in the manner you are...but again dear, is that really going to make you happy in the long run? It's doubtful. As a result, I think you may need to just accept the reality that's presenting itself here dear. And that is that this man is not relationship material and he's incapable of fulfilling your needs - and it may be time to just accept that and move on, ya' know? :-(; February 12, 2014 at 8:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 11, 11:06 AM,
Well dear, the thing that jumps out at me is - why would a man even want to have a conversation like that via text? If he's got you number, and clearly he does because you're texting, then why not pick up the phone, talk like real human beings - and then venture into that territory, ya' know?

Anything like that that takes place in the shallow, superficial world of technology and/or social media...I simply do not take seriously. Because if someone was truly serious about it, they'd actually go about it in a serious manner - not via technology of some sort, but real, genuine, honest to goodness - human interaction.

I wouldn't stress over this. Yep, he's probably off asking a bunch of other women the same exact question, a loaded one, that most likely is seeking a response of, "I'm just looking to have fun right now." BINGO - a hookup situation with a willing partner. That's most likely what he's seeking. He's being lazy, very lazy in how he's going about this via texting, he's hiding behind technology, and that signals that his intentions aren't really all that great...you can't take him seriously because of it. Because of the laziness, the lack of follow through, the choice of technology for a question like that...he's out these seeking hookups most likely, going about it in the typical lazy player fashion.

I'm sure he'll be back, most all return at one time or another, even if it's years later, LOL ;-) But when a guy uses technology like that to ask those very leading questions like that, ones that should be discussed in a more genuine fashion - you can't really take that seriously, because the man is hiding behind technology. And when they're hiding behind technology like that, they're pretty much signaling they've got something to hide. Otherwise, they'd step out of the shadows of tech and into the real light of day (conversation, face to face interaction) to actually make it happen. When they're sending out feelers like that in the dark (behind tech), you just can't take them seriously.; February 12, 2014 at 8:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 11, 2:18 PM,
"My therapist thinks that I should make a decision to do one or the other."

Now granted dear, I'm no professional here. So you can take this with a grain of salt, but I really see no point in increasing your anxiety or emotional state right now by pressuring yourself to make a final decision. I don't think that type of pressure on yourself will help your emotional/mental state or progress right now. I believe that when YOU are ready, you'll know what to do. But on the same token, you can't let this state of limbo carry on forever either, so just know that someday, you're shooting to reach a conclusion, ya' know? It doesn't have to now or tomorrow, but it should be a goal to strive towards.

If I were you dear, I'd simply hold strong at this moment. If you're able to do that, it'll increase your confidence and it'll become easier for you. It'll also sharpen your coping skills and give you tools to use in the future, should this happen again with another man, to pull yourself out of those situations successfully.

I wouldn't worry about doing anything here just yet. If you're able to continue standing strong, then that's probably what I'd do. Take the pressure off of yourself, and leave it on your DM's shoulders...HE needs to apologize. YOU however, don't need to do anything at the moment except continue to look out for yourself properly.

But as I stated above, your goal should be to cut the ties once and for all. I really don't advocate confrontations for reaching those resolutions though, because honestly, they simply lead to painful exhanges that can actually set women back emotionally.

In the end dear, the final decision is yours. You have free will of choice and I imagine that when you're ready, you'll make your move either way :-); February 12, 2014 at 8:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
“Sometimes when you stand up for yourself, you stand alone.”

Most definitely dear - which is why it requires intense personal strength and for many, won't happen overnight, which is understandable. It's like venturing into new territory all alone. But when you stand by your convictions dear, even in the face of adversity, you will come to appreciate your new strength and others will as well.

It reminds me of a quote from Mahatma Gandhi:

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you - and then you win."

Every great mind in history dear - has encountered this. Mendel, who pioneered genetics, Zweig, who proposed the existence of sub-atomic particles, Einstein who proposed "cosmological constant" (constant expansion of the universe)...you get the idea.

And the reason they were mocked and ridiculed was because - others didn't understand. It was really that simple. These minds were advanced beyond the smaller minds of their modern day counterparts.

When people don't understand things dear, they tend to ridicule them. And when you find yourself standing alone, being ridiculed openly...yea, it's not a place one would wish to be.

But it's these minds dear, the movers and the shakers of the world...the revolutionists so-to-speak...that are actually responsible for continued growth and expansion. Either of the mind, body, soul, spirituality, etc. If it weren't for their bravery and thought provoking behavior and ideas...we'd all still be in caves dear, living in the dark :-)

Ladies, never be afraid to stand for what you believe in - your conviction is actually one of your greatest assets. It can be lonely at the top, but it's much better than slogging your way through the slim at the bottom ya' know, LOL ;-); February 12, 2014 at 9:14 AM
Rickie said...: Hello again! :-D I just had to share this.....

I was going to wait for my emotionally immature man-boy to step up this week, and see if he initiated getting together with me or not, but I decided that I just couldn't wait anymore. lol So when he texted me the other night to say "hey", I asked him how the baby was, and how he was....he said that he had hurt his shoulder, and that he was suffering from lack of sleep. It was here where I couldn't help myself. I said, "Well, someone (baby momma) goes back to work tomorrow, so that should free you up some, right?" He says, "They didn't schedule her until Saturday." So I said, "You know I'm going to ask....am I going to see you at any point this week?" Yes, I know I shouldn't do that, but honestly, at this point I'm tired of playing the games, and tip toeing around. I sent that message at 5:30pm on Monday. He replied on TUESDAY MORNING at 9:00am with, "Not this week. I actually took today off b/c I hurt my should moving an engine at work."
THERE was the answer I was waiting for. :) I countered with "Very sorry to hear about your shoulder. In the meantime, here's a song for you,,,,,,", and sent him the URL for a song on Youtube by Jet, called "Move On". The lyrics in the chorus are "Yeah, gonna have to move on....before we meet again." LMAO!!
He replied back with "I love you......" BWAAAHAAAAHAAA!!! I honestly laughed out loud and rolled my eyes. And still have not replied, nor do I plan on it. He LOVES me? Pshaw. Toooo funny. I feel so much better. lol; February 12, 2014 at 11:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Rickie
I hate to burst your bubble here dear, I understand what you were attempting to do there - but I listened to that song and honestly...it sounds like somewhat supportive love song, LOL. Meaning, in addition to moving on, it's talking about someone getting it together, coming home, being happy to be alive, taking control and not being afraid, how it's hard, etc.

So he could've interpreted that as you being supportive of him, meaning...similar to you saying to him, "get it together, gonna have to move on from her, be happy to be alive, don't be afraid, I know it's hard, I know you're afraid to come home (to me)" - get what I'm saying, LOL?

And that could explain why he followed it up with, "I love you."

So while I understand what you were doing there, it's also kinda open to interpretation, depending on whose perspective you're listening to it from, ya' know? He could've thought that was a supportive love song from you for him - which is why he followed it up with, "I love you," LOL ;-); February 12, 2014 at 5:29 PM
Rickie said...: LMAO!! Yes, I can see that side of it....which is why I am waiting to see if I hear from him again so that I can clarify it for him. ;) Still, it's all good. lol; February 12, 2014 at 5:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Rickie,
It'll be interesting to see how it all unfolds...it may turn into one of those "golden" stories that you still laugh about years later, LOL ;-); February 12, 2014 at 6:03 PM
Rickie said...: Only time will tell.

The suspense is 'killing' me though!!! :-P lol

Thank you again, Mirror. I'll be sure to let you know if something happens....I know you'll be waiting with bated breath. ;-); February 12, 2014 at 6:38 PM
Adriana said...: Hi Mirror,

After doing no contact with my ex. he apologized for the way things turned out between us and said he wanted to be friends with me but that he knows we are not compatible personality wise and therefore does not want to to get back together. We are slowly building a friendship but when we do hang out he flirts with me and calls me the nicknames he used to call me when we first started dating. It confuses me because he said we should just act like normal friends but then he does that and when I tell him to stop, he just says he's joking around. I still have feelings for him but I'm not waiting around for him to change his mind. I'm casually dating other guys and he's aware of that. Do you think it's a bad idea to try to be friends with him if I still have feelings for him? I guess I am hoping that if he sees we are able to get along as friends, then he might change his mind about giving it another try. I'm not sure how I should respond if he flirts or calls me the nicknames he first did when we started dating. Do I just pretend not to notice or do I tell him he shouldn't do that because he said he just wanted to be friends? My situation is a bit different because he hasn't been disappearing on me and he is a good friend to me so I have no reason to do no contact but I'm not sure the best way to handle it when he flirts with me since it makes it harder for me to stop thinking of him that way.

Also, I'm thinking that if it's okay to try to be friends, I should just let him be the one to initiate contact and not go out of my way to do anything for him. I need to be careful that my feelings for him don't cause me to do things I wouldn't normally do for a friend. I know he's still very much attracted to me but from past experience he knows that it's not a good idea to make a move unless he wants to get into a relationship and he hasn't tried anything. He just flirts with me. How do you suggest I handle this when he is willing to be friends, is there when I need him as a friend but I still have feelings for him? I would cut off all contact if he did something mean or if I knew there was absolutely no chance of anything but I feel there is a glimmer of hope and I want to wait and see what happens. I just want to know how to not be emotional and whether I need to tell him not to flirt or just pretend like I don't notice. Thanks in advance for your advice.

Adriana; February 12, 2014 at 10:28 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous Feb 11, 2:18 PM here --

Thank you for your input, MOA :) I agree with you completely. It's funny… If my DM returned maybe 3 or 4 (instead of 5) weeks later, I probably would've accepted him back. It was like some sort of change of heart/epiphany happened around the 30-day mark (and I hadn't come across your site until much later, so this "break" was not planned on my part, i.e. when I send someone a text, I try once and only once, unlike his blowing up my phone now). I really just started seeing him in a completely different light around that time.

Part of me feels guilty because I made him promise to remain friends with me no matter what happened (I guess I kind of knew we wouldn't work out romantically because of his unstable life). On the other hand, I really just need some time and space after his ignoring my text. It was way too hurtful and I kind of think he brought this on himself. It's sad for him -- because of his ignorance, inconsistency, and lack of empathy -- he, most likely, lost a really great friend.

Once or twice he said that he was being an a**hole with me (e.g., ignoring me) on purpose because he felt I responded better when he did that. Hey, he's a baby (25, I'm 32), so maybe he'll eventually learn that he can't just do that to women (unless he wants one that matches his level of insecurity). Or maybe he'll just never grow up. All I know is that I'm not putting up with it anymore.; February 13, 2014 at 1:15 AM
Anonymous said...: From Aries Woman/Aries Guy

Hello, MOA. I wrote you last October regarding a 27 year-old personal trainer who was after my fit 42 year-old self. We hooked up, he disappeared for a good month, then came fishing with a text that said "Muah", to which I never responded. A week later, he sent a "Happy Thanksgiving" text. Never responded to that. You gave me some advice about how to play with this Aries guy, being that I wasn't after anything serious. Just the physical.

If you recall, I live in the same city as him every other week. He's a trainer at the gym I'm at almost every day. I was gone for a lot of the holidays, so our paths did not cross for all of December. Beginning in January we saw one another a few times at the gym, but it was in passing and I did not make eye contact. I knew he was aware of me being there, but I treated him as if he was invisible.

Beginning two weeks ago, he couldn't help but notice me because I was working with weights---totally his territory. I'm strong and training for a figure/fitness competition, and let's say he noticed. He worked hard at catching my eye. Waving. Saying hi. Very stone-faced, I'd say hi or nod back to his wave. But didn't give him much.

A few days ago, Mr. Trainer Guy noticed me talking to a very nice grandpa-type man who had approached me with sweet compliments about how fit I looked. I was very chatty and friendly with this man. Thanking him for the compliments. Mr. TG also noticed me doing unassisted pull-ups----something a lot of women can't do. Takes A LOT of strength. I was completely aware that Mr. TG's attention was fully on me.

That evening, I get a text from him. Hadn't had one since the Happy T-day text---2 1/2 months before. "Hey. How have you been?" I was in disbelief. Took me a minute to figure out who had texted me because he was so off my radar.

I waited a couple hours to respond. Being that I blew off his last two "fishing" texts, thought I'd follow your advice and play the game a little. I didn't give away anything much in my messages. Was a tiny bit flirty, but mostly mirrored his words back to him. He wrote: "I still want you," and "I've always wanted you." We set up a "play" date two nights later. He wrote, "It's a deal!!!"

The day of the play date, he was making sure to catch my eye at the gym. The look was flirty and affirmative about our plan. He was off work after 8:00. At 8:30, no word from him. I sent a text asking if he was coming. His reply: "Still at work." And guess what folks… he never showed. Never texted. Nothing.

HE initiated the contact. HE initiated everything about this. "I still want you." Hmmmm… Really?

It's like you said: it's not about the hook-up for him. It's about going fishing and finding out if he can hook me. And if he can/does, that's all he needs.

Obviously, this guy ain't for real. What now? We are in the same gym, same rooms, same space every day, every other week.

Thanks, MOA.

AW/AG; February 13, 2014 at 1:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Adriana,
When a man you've been intimate with asks to be friends, you can agree to be civil, but you should NOT agree to hang out with him. If you do that, he'll slowly back you down into the "friends with benefits" category - and attempt to use you and his excuse will be - that he told you he didn't want a relationship.

"We are slowly building a friendship but when we do hang out he flirts with me and calls me the nicknames he used to call me when we first started dating. It confuses me because he said we should just act like normal friends but then he does that and when I tell him to stop, he just says he's joking around."

He's not joking around - he's emotionally manipulating you.

"Do you think it's a bad idea to try to be friends with him if I still have feelings for him?"

Absolutely dear - I don't believe in self-inflicted torture ya' know?

"I guess I am hoping that if he sees we are able to get along as friends, then he might change his mind about giving it another try."

He knows that and that's why he's attempting to manipulate you. When a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship with you dear and that he doesn't think you're compatible - BELIEVE HIM. He will sleep with you again, but he won't enter into a relationship because of it - all he'll do is say "I told you so" (i.e. I told you I didn't want a relationship).

"Do I just pretend not to notice or do I tell him he shouldn't do that because he said he just wanted to be friends?"

You don't even give him the opportunity to do that dear. You stay away from him until you've had a chance to heal and accept what's happened - and are strong enough to see him as a friend, without secretly wanting more.

"I would cut off all contact if he did something mean or if I knew there was absolutely no chance of anything but I feel there is a glimmer of hope and I want to wait and see what happens."

He's told you there's no chance dear :-( If you choose to not believe that - then you're choosing to put yourself at risk of getting hurt again or possibly even used because you don't want to believe it, ya' know?

"I just want to know how to not be emotional"

You stay away from him dear until you've healed and accepted it and have regained your strength. You tell him that you cannot see him right now because of that - if he is TRULY the good friend he claims to be, he will understand that and have no problem with it.; February 13, 2014 at 9:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
"Obviously, this guy ain't for real. What now?"

He gets the cold shoulder and you move forward. No more chances, no more play dates, no more opportunities - period. He's done and he's no longer even a casual option. He's about the conquest. He's conquered you already, so this is it.

If two mature adults want to enter into a casual situation with one another, hey whatever, to each his own. I really don't advocate casual sex for women because I feel that deep down inside, it takes it's emotional toll. But again, free will, free choice, to each his own, etc.

But the thing is, if two mature adults decide to do this...it STILL has to be done with RESPECT for one another. When it becomes disrespectful, it's no longer an option. People should not treat each other poorly or take one another for granted, regardless of whether it's casual or not.

In otherwords, "casual" does not give someone the right to treat you poorly or disrespect you.

And poor treatment and disrespect deserve consequences. The consequences for him now should be no more access to you, no more responses or contact from you, no more discussions with you - nada. He blew it by treating you disrespectfully in an agreed upon casual arrangement....that he's clearly not mature enough to handle properly :-(; February 13, 2014 at 9:15 AM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG:

I couldn't agree with you more. He's done. Gets my cold shoulder at the gym. I have nothing for this guy. I am disgusted--beyond disgusted--with his behavior.

1) Do you think he ever had any intention of actually following through with the plan? Or 2) do you think his intention all along was simply to find out if he could get me to agree to see him again? If the latter was the case, why did he even bother with the response at 8:30 "still at work" when I asked if he was coming? Wouldn't he have blown that one off?

Thanks for your confirmation of how disrespectful this all was, and that he's on the bye-bye-forever list.

AW/AG; February 13, 2014 at 10:16 AM
Rickie said...: I have to tell you though....I feel kind of like a bitch for not replying to his "I love you...." text. :-/ It was the first time he'd ever said that to me, although I judged it to be insincere IF it was in response to interpreting that song as I had intended it to be....which was that I was moving on. lol
He always came back with his flowery words when I said that I was unsatisfied with the state of things, or I had been asked out, etc.before, so that's why I felt as though he understood it the intended way.
I haven't heard anything else from him, and I haven't contacted him in two days. At the same time that I feel 'badly', there is a sense of relief that I KIND OF recused myself from the situation. Kind of, since I'm not sure if his interpretation was the same as yours. lol I sent that song link to a male friend of mine, and asked him what he would think if a woman sent him that...and his idea was the same as mine. So who the Hell knows! lol So what do you think, oh wise one? Maintain radio silence and explain it clearly if/when I hear from him again? Blah.
I am DEFINITELY too old for this shit. ;-)

PS> You are truly a gem. And I'm not just blowing smoke up your fanny. lol This site has helped me maintain the little bit of sanity I have left, thanks to my kids destroying 98% of it. lol; February 13, 2014 at 11:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
It's hard to say what goes through the minds of these men. When I question male friends about their similar behavior at times, they signal it's an "in the moment" thing many times. Like, at that moment, they were all for it. But then ten minutes later, it seemed like a bad idea, LOL...sigh.

It's hard to say dear, but one thing that's for sure is that he's a player. And he doesn't appear mature enough to handle a casual situation respectfully. The "whys" really don't matter because honestly, they don't excuse the rest of it ya' know?; February 13, 2014 at 3:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Rickie,
"I feel kind of like a bitch for not replying to his "I love you...."

Sometimes dear, being a bit bitchy actually earns you the respect you deserve, ya' know? If the options are "bitchy" or "doormat" - I choose bitch, LOL.

"He always came back with his flowery words when I said that I was unsatisfied with the state of things, or I had been asked out, etc.before, so that's why I felt as though he understood it the intended way."

He very well may have...and then chose to pull out the really big flowery guns with the "L" word, LOL ;-)

"I sent that song link to a male friend of mine, and asked him what he would think if a woman sent him that...and his idea was the same as mine."

Well that's a good sign, maybe he DID get the message then, ya' know?

"Maintain radio silence and explain it clearly if/when I hear from him again?"

I would definitely maintain radio silence - the ball is in HIS court, it's time for HIM to take ACTION and PROVE he's serious about this. As far as explaining yourself, I generally don't bother with these types, LOL!!; February 13, 2014 at 3:40 PM
Rickie said...: You rock!! lol Silence it is! That was my gut feeling on that anyway.
;-); February 13, 2014 at 4:18 PM
Anonymous said...: I have a question regarding disappearing and the early stages of dating. Should these same rules apply, should I feel concerned about my current situation? Or is this a natural part of the process. I have recently been thrown back into the dating game and I appreciate all of your advice. It has helped me up to this point. I am trying to do right with this guy. I feel fearful of guys vanishing on me since it has happened many times, so is it just my insecurities, or am I chasing a dead end?

The situation:

We have been dating for one month now. I know he is still dating others, and so am I, although, in all honesty I would stop dating if he did. I do like him, and would like for our situation to progress. I have read your articles and have used a lot of your advice this time around. I have let this guy initiate contact 95% of the time. As hard as it is at times, I have sat back and have played calm, cool and collected. I have not been clingy or needy. I have not pushed things; I have been fun, open, receptive, and a listener. In terms of keeping things in control I think I have been doing well with the exception of letting a few insecurities slip after a couple glasses of wine on our last date. Nothing too major.

The guy has been pretty proactive at initiating. We have been out four times, all of which he suggested. However he seems to fade in and out. He will take some time to follow-up after a date sometimes, sometimes he will text for two or three days in a row, then drop to every other day, or about four days of silence will go by. His calls are even rarer, but when he does call it is for about 50 minutes of small talk and usually to ask me out. No real future plans except for stating that we should work out together some undefined date and time. I feel like there is some effort, but I’m not sure if it is where it should be. Where are there so many gaps? Maybe he doesn’t feel the same way?

Recently I am worried that I might just be headed to hookup territory, or maybe he has just vanished after our last date?

The first two dates were great. The first date was the best I had ever been on. There a lot of effort on his part. Dinner, a concert, and drinks after. The date went until 7PM-4AM. I was ready to go sooner, but he didn’t want me to leave. It ended with a peck on the lips.

Actually the physical intimacy part has been progressing rather organically and on a date to date basis.
Second date we stayed out until 4AM again, but this time properly kissed. Now my concern is the 3rd and 4th dates. 3rd date before text his invite he sent me a weird escort ad his friend was in. No sex just female nudity (his friend was the guy) and after a rather random conversation about it and some other small talk he invited me to his place. My instant thought was is this booty call, but I also know that men generally will try to have sex with you, it is who they are.; February 13, 2014 at 5:15 PM
Anonymous said...: I told him I was cooking that night and invited him over instead. The date stayed PG, games, dinner, a movie, and he stayed late despite having work the next day. If I let him do more than make out he certainly would have. Before he left he planned the next date and told me to go to his place next time. (What happened to going out?) I liked the guy so I did go over anyway. This time the date was NC-17. Again dinner and a movie, he decided to get naked, I opted not to have had more than what was easily accessible from my skirt out in the open, and we fooled around but no sex or anything that could result in an STD although I’m sure he would have, had I allowed it. This date ended with me being invited to stay, which I contemplated but didn’t after I pointed out jokingly how messed up my hair was and him offering me a hat. No more date plans just a kiss goodbye and a “I’ll see you soon”.

This was two days ago. Maybe I’m panicking, and he does have a record for a delay in follow-up, but I feel like we hit a messing around mile stone of sorts and I should have heard from him the next day. I haven’t contacted him, but I’m wondering if this is normal, if there are warning signs here, or if he is a just on the verge of becoming just another man that vanished on me. It really sucks feeling powerless in this situation. I hate the waiting game.; February 13, 2014 at 5:15 PM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG (sent from my phone earlier, but I don't think it went through---hope this isn't a repeat):

Agreed--the "whys" don't matter because no answer to that question will excuse his behavior. Period.

Here is what I am wondering: what the heck do I do with all this anger I have towards him? To make it clear: I did not get that punched-in-the-gut, sick feeling when I realized he wasn't going to show. I went straight to pure livid-ness. Like, give me a baseball bat--I am going to beat the crap out of something.

How dare he initiate contact, say "I still want you," and "It's a deal!" when we make a plan, and then disappear without a word/text/call. He wasted my time. He wasted my brain space. He treated me with total disrespect, with complete disregard, and with zero value. I am literally furious. HOW. DARE. HE. Where do I put all this anger? How can I use it to help exorcise this experience?

What's interesting to me is that when he trains clients, he is attentive, encouraging, caring, and 100% giving. I overhear him when he trains. I see him with everyone from teenagers to 80 year-old women. He treats them like gold. He is the most sought after trainer in the entire region (not just in the gym itself), and everyone adores him. Apparently, I'm getting the dark side. I must trigger some subconscious hatred he has towards women or something.

Like I said, I want to beat the crap out of something right now. I can't remember the last time I was treated so poorly by anyone. It's not okay. And I want to "DO" something about it. What can I do, besides making him invisible when I am working out and going cold? I need a physical outlet and a verbal outlet for this degree of fury.

As always, thank you for your insight and words of guidance.

Sincerely,
AW/AG; February 14, 2014 at 1:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
Well here's the thing dear, and you're not going to like this, so I'm going to apologize in advance here. I haven't really delved into this with you because you chose to settle for "casual" here, but the thing is, when you do that dear, you have to accept that you're settling for "less." Get what I'm saying?

And this is why I don't really advocate casual sex for women - it takes an emotional toll. Even if you go into it assuring yourself that it won't - the bottom line reality is that - it DOES. In the end, the "less" treatment takes its emotional toll. And it's taking it's emotional toll on you right now unfortunately :-(

And here's the thing, you have a right to feel disrespected, because casual can occur respectfully between two mature adults (but it's very difficult). But the thing is, when you agree to casual, you can't expect relationship treatment of sorts. You have to expect "less" because you're agreeing to settle for less, ya' know?

Now having said that, I still feel that even in a casual situation, one can at least call/text to say they can't make it. You can't expect dates, regular communication, etc. but yea, a phone call or text in the event your partner can't make it, I don't think that's too much to ask.

This is tricky territory though, because again, while you want even basic courtesy to take place in a situation like this - the thing is, when you agree to casual - you can't really get furious when you don't receive it - because it's casual. And when something is casual dear, when women agree to casual, as much as I hate to say this (and I do), the bottom line is....men simply do NOT respect that. When a woman settles for less with them, deep down inside whether they admit it or not, they simply do not maintain a level of respect for that woman :-( I'm sorry, I know that probably hurts but I do think at one point early on in this, I did attempt to warn you of that tendency for fear that this situation would degrade to that state.

You can't be furious over someone disrespecting you dear, when YOU are agreeing to disrespect YOURSELF (by settling for a "casual" hook up situation), ya' know? Because how you carry yourself, how YOU value YOURSELF, sets the standard for how others will value you. And when you set the bar low, you can't expect high regard in return. Ugh, I'm so sorry, again I mean no disrespect and I've been trying to avoid this discussion with you because it pains me to have to point these things out. But this is the reality dear (ladies, pay heed). And this is why I strongly warn women off of casual arrangements. They all tend to degrade into a very similar tale, one that ends with the woman suffering emotionally :-(

I know you're furious dear, and I know you feel disrespected and taken for granted, and I know that doesn't feel good. But (and I'm going to apologize in advance for this too, dear), what did you really expect to come out of this, ya' know? It was never going to be anything good or real, it was always going to just be a superficial arrangement of sorts, with both parties wanting to satisfy nothing more than superficial sexual needs, ya' know? Casual situations are very shallow and they have a very, very short shelf life. As much as it pains me to have to say that, when things are agreed upon as casual, men lose respect for that and their behavior towards women in a casual situation then follows suit - and disrespectful treatment then occurs.

Cont...; February 14, 2014 at 11:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: It's the entire reason I warn women away from agreeing to enter into them - because they render you powerless and that takes it's emotional toll. You're powerless now to say anything, you're powerless now to come at him angry, you're powerless now to do anything about it - because you have no right to - because you agreed to settle for less, and so....less is what you end up getting, ya' know? (Ugh, I'm hating this discussion.)

Okay that hurt, this discussion was even painful for me. But please try to understand that I'm actually attempting to help you, I mean you no harm, I mean you no disrespect, I'm not attempting to judge you. But it is what it is, ya' know? And what it is, is simply an ugly situation that I don't suggest women enter into. And dear, I hope, I realy do hope that in the future, you'll strongly reconsider doing so again. At the very least, if you prefer causal, which you're entitled to if that's the choice you make, please make sure it's with an emotionally mature man that can handle it better and realize that when you do...you're trading things off for it. You're bartering away your power in a sense in order to settle for something "less," something a bit more superficial than the real thing. And when you agree to do that, you give up certain "rights" to things, ya' know? You're trading something real for something shallow, you're trading courtship expectations and agreeing to settle for less, and when you settle for less...you can't expect much :-(

Keep working out dear and vent off the steam from this experience in that physical manner. Don't mind him, forget about him. He's not pivotal to your success in life, he has absolutely nothing to do with it. Stay on course, calm yourself down if you can, and just keep moving forward dear and chalk it up to a lesson learned is all. If you confront this man, he's going to come off with something like "Hey, I made no commitments, you agreed to casual and this is casual." It'll be something like that dear, so don't even bother giving him the satisfaction of pointing that out. Try your best to forget about it and leave him in your past. He's probably doing this to women right and left, all over the damn place. He's not worth it and he cannot be taken seriously.

Just try your best to move past this with dignity and grace dear, as unaffected as you can possibly be...and place that anger into physical activities that burn it off in a healthy manner. This too shall pass dear, hang in there :-); February 14, 2014 at 11:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
I should add that all of the above today is the reason why yesterday, I pointed out the disrespect being tossed around here and simply suggested that it ends - immediately, ASAP.

I didn't really want to get into all of that yesterday because it's a painful discussion and I don't want to make women here feel judged here by being forced to have it, but it is what it is, ya' know?

Just end it dear and try to move on as best you can. It will be difficult, but you can be strong and do it :-); February 14, 2014 at 11:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, MOA. Truly I can completely hear everything you're saying. No hurt feelings---promise! Casual = zero respect from him; zero respect from him = me not even being worth a text.

I'm 42 years old. I've been married. I've dated lots of men over the years, and I've had mutually-agreed upon casual encounters---ones where I've at least gotten a phone call or a text when he had to cancel. I've not ever experienced this level of being dismissed. It's ugly and disgusting. LIke I said, I'm furious.

I have no intention of venting my anger at him. Not to worry there. I am 100% about giving him the cold shoulder; him getting nada from me ever again. I'm done.

You're right. This one's a big learning experience. The guy is 27 years old and the most sought-after trainer regionally. That's all to say he's young/immature and has a big ego. Those traits alone are ingredients for the way he treated me, and is treating other women (like you said).

I expected that he was capable of basic courtesy, even in a casual situation. (This expectation is why I even engaged his text.) I was truly blindsided by the absence of that basic courtesy. Now, however, I understand fully why, in his opinion, I wasn't even worth that much. I get it.

I can work out my anger with all the physical activity I do daily, and move on.

I really do appreciate the time, effort, and honesty you've given me with this one. It's good to hear the truth, no matter what.

I have lots of wonderful people in my life. I'm grateful for my health, my physical and emotional strength, my job, my family, my pets, and the piles of abundance which surround me every day. I am going to focus on that and move past this experience of having let Mr. Trainer Guy back in. He's out now, for good.

Blessings to you, and much gratitude.

AW; February 14, 2014 at 12:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW,
"I have lots of wonderful people in my life. I'm grateful for my health, my physical and emotional strength, my job, my family, my pets, and the piles of abundance which surround me every day. I am going to focus on that..."

Exactly - that's what's truly important :-); February 14, 2014 at 3:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 13, 5:15 PM,
"Why are there so many gaps?"

Because this is a casual dating situation right now that may or may not move into relationship territory. And when dating casually dear, you cannot expect relationship type treatment (i.e. daily communication, lots of calls, etc.)

"Maybe he doesn’t feel the same way?"

It's possible, but it's also possible that he's simply pacing the relationship. Men are not like women in that, they don't race right into "relationship" type thinking after a few dates or some sex, ya' know?

"Recently I am worried that I might just be headed to hookup territory, or maybe he has just vanished after our last date?"

If you've already slept with him, then yes, it's possible this is turning into a hookup situation. If you haven't, it's simply casual dating at this point.

"Before he left he planned the next date and told me to go to his place next time. (What happened to going out?)"

If he suggests a date like that again, decline the offer and instead, suggest that you two meet up for dinner again. If he balks at that, then you have your answer (he's seeking sex on his sofa LOL ;-)

"I feel like we hit a messing around mile stone of sorts and I should have heard from him the next day."

Well this is where women and men differ greatly dear - men do NOT consider sex the entryway to a relationship, and women expect sex to lead to commitment and a relationship....which is NOT a guarantee. Calling the next day would be nice, but again, this is still casual dating at this point. He has not asked for a commitment and he's not making one either...so unfortunately, you cannot expect relationship treatment (i.e. regular communication, phone calls the next day, etc.)

And that's also the reason you need to hold off having sex with him...until he DOES ask for one.

"I’m wondering if this is normal, if there are warning signs here, or if he is a just on the verge of becoming just another man that vanished on me."

Well at this point like I said, there aren't any commitments here. However, this is signaling to you that he's not really possibly ready/considering one either. So be VERY careful about sleeping with this man (i.e. DON'T do it).

"It really sucks feeling powerless in this situation."

You're not powerless dear, you have a say in this as well and if you don't like it, it's not making you happy or it's doesn't appear to be going anywhere...then you enact your power, you end it, and you move on to find what it is that will make you happy.

"I hate the waiting game."

Then don't play it dear - NEVER, and I mean NEVER, place all of your eggs into one man's basket when he's not asking for a commitment. In otherwords, don't commit yourself to a man that isn't committing to you. Continue dating other men and exploring your options, because most likely, that's exactly what he's doing as well.

Don't stop and wait around for a man to "pick" you. Keep moving forward. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. YOU have power and YOU can do the "picking" here too, you are free to go out and pick other men over him if he's not making you happy ;-)

You can't make someone love you or want to be with you....but you can decide to enact your power in the situation by passing over them to find someone better.; February 14, 2014 at 3:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Feb 13, 1:15 AM here again --

MOA, I REALLY needed to hear what you said to AW. I'll admit that I bursted into tears reading your words because they truly hit home. Thank you.; February 14, 2014 at 4:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and all the ladies,

I must tell you again that I love reading this blog. It is so impowering. I always leave it feeling uplifted and stronger. And wiser. (-:

Mirror, I particularly like your exchange with Gemini 50 above on the loneliness of those who are ahead of others. Sad but very true, indeed.

As for your advice to AW - I agree 100%. As for casual intimate encounters, most men still use a double standard and treat the woman who has the same interest disrespectfully. On the other hand, in this particular case my feeling is that this trainer guy simply revenged on AW because she had ignored his attempts to communicate back in autumn. It seems to me he couldn´t get over something he perceived as refusal and when an occasion ocurred he used it against AW and paid her back. Of course, his behaviour was ugly, but AW could feel better when looking at the situation in this light.

Mirror, I have a question for you. I have met one guy, a new one I haven´t mentioned here yet, about three times. He was courteous and polite and although I wasn´t sure what to think about him I quite liked him. Between the dates we had some email exchanges and he phoned twice. On the third date - a decent date, nothing intimate, just a walk and a conversation over a cup of coffee - he seriously started telling me that people shouldn´t be alone, they should help each other, bla, bla, bla... Well, finally he suggested friends with benefits. I honestly told him that I was looking for a serious relationship and FWB was nothing for me. By the way my advert is in the "serious" section on the dating site and he, too, when replied to my advert, wrote he was looking for something long-term. Anyway, I told him I wasn´t interested, but then he changed the subject, we continued conversing, then he accompanied me on my way home, kissed me on the cheek and left. I thought it would end there but he has just called and asked me out again. I didn´t know what to say, so I said I would be busy in the near future. I quite like him otherwise I would have told him I wasn´t interested. However, this would most probably lead nowhere. Or is there a chance of some positive development do you think? What should I do?

Thanks for your reply and all your blog. Have a nice weekend. And all the ladies too.
HopefulwithMen

P.s.: Where has Chk61 disappeared? I hope she has managed to resist the urge to contact her DM.; February 14, 2014 at 5:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
"Or is there a chance of some positive development do you think? What should I do?"

Well, given that he's already made himself very clear and he's requested a friends with benefits situation, the problem is - now you won't be able to trust what he says, because he's revealed his motivation. So even if he does appear genuinely interested in something serious, there will always be that nagging little voice wondering if he's just telling you what you want to hear to conquer you here, ya' know?

However, if you feel strong enough to date this man knowing what you already know and holding off on having sex with him and not entering into a FWB situation...then you can casually date him (no sex). But you do risk getting emotionally attached in the process, even without sex entering into the picture.

Think on it dear, and then proceed wisely :-); February 14, 2014 at 5:40 PM
chk61 said...: @Hopeful and all the ladies:

Still here. No, I haven't contacted the D.M. I've been having a rough go of it lately. Stupidly I again looked at his online dating profile (without him knowing of course). He had revamped the whole thing on Valentine's day, changed his photo, and his profile is now more confessiona/personal/mushy and shows a softer side of him. He talks about his children whereas before he did not. He also decided to lower his age by three years and yes, he does fess up to his real age in his profile. The part that really got me was he lowered his desired age range by two years. I guess I won't show up in his matchs or searches that way, as I'm also still on the site.

It just really depressed me and I bawled for a good 15 minutes yesterday, on Valentine's day. I don't care much for the holiday....

I am really glad that I haven't given into temptation and contacted him. It became even more increasingly clear yesterday that he feels nothing for me. I was really mostly very kind to him and I thought we enjoyed each other's company but in retrospect, he treated me quite badly. This is why I've been having such a hard time with lately. While I don't completely blame myself, I do have to ask myself why I kept going back for more.

I cling to this futile fantasy that he has some tender feelings for me but for whatever reason, I'm not what he wants. Certainly I would be a masochist if I contacted him again for more poor treatment. A man who wants you does not disappear from your life.

I hadn't even kissed a man for four years when I met him. 4 years, actually it was closer to 5. I did not tell him this and now I wish that I had. And I totally agree with what Mirror said about men not respecting women who agree to a casual arrangement. The double standard is alive and well. My goal was a relationship with him but I did not want to scare him off, so he may have thought I was just looking for a fling. I clearly wasn't but now when I look back, I was not true to myself and I deeply regret it.

I've thought about letting him know how I feel so many times but I know it would not do any good. I have to pour out my feelings to myself and to friends I can trust. I just have to pray that next time I take better care of myself when I find myself falling for a man. :-(; February 15, 2014 at 10:33 AM
Rickie said...: Mirror, are you sure you don't have a crystal ball over there??? You were right again. Big shock there, huh? lol I guess Man Boy DIDN'T interpret my "Move On" song as I had intended, and more as YOU did. I got a "Happy Valentine's Baby" text at 6:49pm last night. Really? lol I responded the same way I did to his "I love you..." text...silence.
Good grief. I resisted the temptation to clarify things for him, b/c as you said, it wouldn't really do much. He'd just try and toss some more flowery words at me. Pffffffffffftt. This whole situation hurts a LITTLE bit, but over the last two years or so, I have become a lot more adept at keeping my emotional attachments in check until I've been given more green lights. That doesn't mean that those relationships have worked out any better, as I am still single, lol, but the collateral damage has been WAY less for me. :-)

Have a wonderful day, Mirror, and keep strong to all the ladies dealing with the foolish nonsense of their own Man Boys, etc.; February 15, 2014 at 12:15 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror
Thank you for your reply. In the past, actually only a year ago, I would have proceeded to "explore" the territory with this man hoping that something might come out of it. But now, I´ll listen carefully to your advice and be careful. It means that I will probably not answer the phone when he calls. It´s totally unlike me, but the fact is I am not interested in what he offered, so presumably, he will understand without me having to explain. Also, I am quite lucky because I have received a few responses from new men on the dating site so I can focus my attention in that direction and forget this one more easily. I am not too optimistic, but it´s a positive turn in my dating.

@Chk61
I am happy for you that you haven´t contacted him. Online dating is a strange thing. It often leads to strange behaviours which might not happen in real life. For example, I remember mourning the player who had brought me to this site. At that time no other men contacted me. Now when there are new options I hardly remember him. And I am literally looking forward to new experiences. It doesn´t mean that he is completely uninteresting to me, no, I think if he reappeared he would again provoke some feelings in me although I want to believe that I am over him. With these new options, however, he is not a priority in my mind. And maybe the same is happening to your DM - he just has new options, he is curious about them and although he may have quite liked you, he is curious to see what the dating site will bring him next. Therefore don´t blame yourself for anything, it´s simply how online dating goes.

Best wishes to all,
HopefulWithMen; February 15, 2014 at 3:54 PM
Gemini50 said...: @Chk 61,
I am trying a new "thing" you might want to consider. It's all in the brain, but it seems to help in the moment.

I have realized that holding on to the pictures of the past with Scorpio is not making room for new experiences and new men. So, when memories of him resurface (every morning/night) I have started picturing in my head physically pushing away the memories. When the image is there, I push it to the side like pushing away a scene from a play, and when I push them away, I open up clean fresh space for a man to walk in to.

It might sound crazy, but I am trying everything to shake off the memories... the scene that I am left with is open and clean, and not hindered with baggage.

Hang in there lady, and push the DM aside.

@ Hopeful,
Look at how well you took care of yourself here! You heard exactly what this man said, and you said, "Nah, no thanks!" THAT'S why he contacted you again; because you have shown yourself to be different. You have shown yourself to have standards, and you have shown yourself to be better than his sorry axx. Keep going girl!!

Update on Match guy:
On Thursday afternoon during the snowstorm, I received a text from him> Hi Gem50. I hope you get home safe today and I am looking forward to meeting you Tuesday. Match guy

What a surprise. I can't remember the last time any man has shown ANY concern for my wellbeing. So, yes, I was impressed. But I didn't show it -- still all words ladies.

I responded> Thx (Match guy). No worries, working from home. Hope u r safe as well. See you Tuesday.

If nothing else, he's been able to keep my attention. lol

Stay strong ladies, and take care of your selves first! You are worth it!! {{HUGS}}; February 15, 2014 at 7:38 PM
chk61 said...: @HopefulWithMen

Thanks, it does help to consider all the factors and scenarios that come into play with online dating. The reality is, I spent a fair amount of time with this D.M. and the last time I saw him, we were intimate (barely but we were). Yes, we were "physical" prior to this happening.. I realize of course that I would not feel quite as awful as I do had this not happened. In fact, shortly after the first and only time that we made it to "home base" (pardon the metaphor) he offered these two heart-warming nuggets: "yeah, with online dating you always think there is something better out there" and "I better have a solid girlfriend by the time I turn fifty". Literally, within minutes. So to have been celibate for almost 5 years and then receive that kind of treatment was really upsetting and affects me greatly months later.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't if you're a woman. Even if you make him wait 3 months, there is no guarantee it will work out. It is always a risk. Yet, I have dated plenty of men that I haven't been physical with and I never feel sad or bereft. I rarely get beyond two dates with men I'm not attracted to, however. It's the physical/connection thing that is the risk as it leads to emotional attachment and expectation for women. Which is why I totally agree with Mirror that entering into a casual situation with a man is a HUGE risk for women.

However, we women also have sex drives. Those pesky sex drives! Can you imagine a man not having any action, not even kissing, for 5 years and telling him to hold off with someone he's extremely attracted to for months? No, this responsibility is put squarely on the shoulders of the woman. The men do not have any responsibility when it comes to sex and they don't suffer emotionally when it is over (unless they are madly in love and thus the power balance has tipped out of their favor).

So I blame myself for throwing caution to the wind. My thought was: I'm over 50 for crying out loud. Do I want to go to my grave never feeling a man's touch? I felt like it was my right to get what I wanted, to be a full human being. I played my cards all wrong with this guy and that is why it hurts me. I should have been more honest with him about what I wanted for my life but I played it cool because I was afraid of scaring him off. The reality is, he showed me HIS cards when he disappeared the first time. Bottom line, I played with fire and I got burnt.

A cautionary tale for the younger women out there. We are not like men and we cannot act like men. Read Mirror's latest article:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

Internalize it. Revel in your power. Don't ever give your power over to a man.; February 16, 2014 at 8:55 AM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini50

I think what you said about clearing your mind to create space for something new is a perfect idea. And I think in your case just the fact that you´ve decided to practise this means a victory over the past. It will require some time and perseverance, but I think the most important thing is that yiu´ve made the decision to leave the past and open yourself to something new. (-:

@chk61

And I think the same applies to chk61. I understand your feelings, like many others I have been there and of course, thanks to Mirror this blog provides an opportunity to vent such feelings. On the other hand, if you reread what you wrote you immediately recognize your present state of mind. And such a state of mind will only bring you more of the same or similar experiences. That´s why I think if one wants to feel better the best thing is to literally force oneself using willpower into taking some concrete steps towards new experiences, in our case perhaps meeting new men if possible and stop thinking about the past. As Gemini50 writes, refocusing the attention is the best thing to do, even though it is difficult. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can meet someone who will help you forget this unfortunate period and feel better. I know it is difficult but it´s worth a try, isn´t it?

Have a nice rest of Sunday,
Hopeful; February 16, 2014 at 3:26 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror

I must tell this to you. After responding to Gem50 and chk61 I read your recent article on making a decision not to be powerless with men. It must be telepathy because in my response to them I tried to express a similar idea. Honestly, I read your article AFTER responding to the ladies so please don´t think I read your words and used them as if they were mine. What a strange coincidence, isn´t it? (-:
Hopeful; February 16, 2014 at 3:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
No worries dear, I think that new piece I just wrote is a concept that all women can relate to and deep down inside, know and feel, even though they may not really know why or what it is that they're feeling :-); February 16, 2014 at 5:52 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Just wanted to thank you for your comments on my on-line experience with the guy who asked what are you looking for.

Yeah you're right this guy cannot be taken seriously and was definitely after a hook up of sorts as I never got a response from him from my reply. I sent another text just saying 'was that not the answer you were looking for :)?' It was a bit tongue in cheek to let him know I was on to him, I'm not sure it was right to send it after he's ignored my reply but I'm not going to stress over it as he's clearly not worth anytime and energy so enough said on that one LOL.

To the ladies that are struggling with on-line dating. It's tough sometimes especially if you're seeing the men you like carrying on there regardless but the best thing to do is the same as you've got to be in it to win it. If it's too painful to watch then think about changing sites (if you're still on there) if you can because it maybe like poking at an old wound. Focus on the new and be open to that and new possibilities it's the only way out of the ditch as the alternative will just make you feel bad about yourself and prolong the grief.

I'm currently going through that experience but fortunately I'm on another website but I know he's active on the other one but I've had to ask myself why would you want to hang around in that pain and I don't so I choose to let it go and carry on moving forward with seeing what else the universe has in store for me :)

Good luck ladies; February 17, 2014 at 7:07 AM
chk61 said...: @Gemini50:

Thanks, I guess you can relate. ;-) I do need to actively try harder to stop the memories because as you are experiencing, they also plague me morning and night. The aftermath of the disappearing man, as Mirror writes about so well (thanks Mirror!) When I'm distracted by activities or other people I am thankfully free. It's the alone time, usually lying in bed when they are the worst. Yet I do feel them when I am at my computer and the temptation to cyber stalk rears it's ugly head. :-(

Sometimes I will replace memories of him with an image of nature in my mind, like a waterfall or a meadow filled with tall grass or daisies, or a serene ocean view. It works for a while. ;-)

Perhaps this is similar to a technique called thought stopping. I'm reminded of that movie with Jim Carrey where he gets his memories erased of his ex-girlfriend. I think what we are going through is very human and very common.

And forgiveness....I don't hate him, I don't feel bitter..just sad. I wish he could have been more well-behaved, more mature and more compassionate but I must remember that is his problem, not mine.

On the brighter and moving forward side, I am choosing optimism with the online dating thing and have a few irons in the fire. I am (ok, rather reluctantly) meeting one of them tomorrow night. He doesn't seem my type but I will give him a chance. There are two other men I'm more interested in meeting and I think that will happen in the next few weeks.

Another thing I'm doing is visualizing what I want in my life, for my future. I visualize a more spacious yet comfortable, humble home with or without a loving caring partner. I visualize working less and relaxing, enjoy life more. I foresee travel and seeing more of the world with a fun, non-judgmental caring partner or a group of wonderful friends. I see love of family and friends, navigating the ups and downs of life feeling firmly grounded with other people yet able to stand on my own two feet, and a general feeling of self-acceptance and peace of mind. Like right now, the sun is streaming in my window and I have a cup of wonderful coffee to savor and a supportive community with MIrror and you all, to express my feelings to. These moments, the present moment, are where life really happens. :-); February 17, 2014 at 8:15 AM
WomenPower said...: Dear MOA and ladies,

@chk61 "Like right now, the sun is streaming in my window and I have a cup of wonderful coffee to savor and a supportive community with MIrror and you all, to express my feelings to. These moments, the present moment, are where life really happens. :-) "

This is so great! Made me think actually about Chk61 words. When we are reading and writing here it's putting us in some virtual point toghether: I imagine us sitting in a peaceful house which MOA has created for all of us...
Ch61 drinking a coffee with sunshine, elegant Gemini50 smoking a Java cigar and a nice glass of red wine (as once she mentionned it), me with a cup of tea, "our" brilliant MOA friendly talking to us :)
BTW: I imagine you, MOA, riding two beautiful wild brown horses (I don't know why this image comes about you)... We are all sharing together: happily creating a new dimension of our experiences... Maybe in some moment we would completely forget about men :) Per aspera ad astra...

Reading this blog helped me a lot and like to return and see how other ladies are handling similar problems.

Take care of yourselves :) and if some of you feel bad we can always imagine that power we are mentally generating here and connect to it...

Thank you MOA for your warm generosity!

Friendly hugs from Western Europe :); February 17, 2014 at 11:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @WomenPower,
"I imagine you, MOA, riding two beautiful wild brown horses"

I can relate to that dear, because at this stage in my life, I feel free from the confines of my own mind (which has a tendency to work against us at times.)

I don't care what others think of me, I don't care if others agree with me, I don't care what value men place on me as I now determine that value myself - all I truly care about at this point is living my life to the fullest while I have the opportunity to do so, and assisting others with my past experiences and insights gained to the best of my ability.

Once you free yourself from your own mind and the anxieties generated there....it's very liberating indeed ;-); February 17, 2014 at 11:46 AM
Countrygirl said...: Well said Mirror x; February 17, 2014 at 12:39 PM
Heidi said...: @ CHK61,

The Jim Carrey movie you mentioned earlier today... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I have been thinking of that movie for the past 24 hours and even went to bed trying to remember the title. Great minds think alike ;)

No surprise, I didn't hear from Aries after I morphed into *That Girl* and let out every crazy emotion over a week ago. He is GONE for good this time.

On a lighter note, I shared the full emotions-gone-wild story with a couple of my dearest friends and they have been teasing me with references to The Hulk. "Dont make her angry". One of my male friends (plastic surgeon) texted regarding an upcoming charity run and added a (good nature) joke about me losing my marbles "Reality TV style" and followed up by texting a picture of some crazy woman with Spiky/frizzy hair and mascara running down her face . *sigh* .

At least my embarrassing story of what NOT TO DO or SAY provides amusement for my friends.

Lesson learned.

Good luck with the new Iron tomorrow night :)

We are all; February 17, 2014 at 9:15 PM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG:

1 of 2

Dear MOA and Ladies,

MOA, you are probably going to nail my Aries A#S to a cross. I can only explain by completely owning the fact that I am an Aries, true to all of its traits. (My birthday is 3/29. I've got Taurus Moon; Pisces Rising---the only place in my chart where there is water.)

Anonymous made a comment on Friday 2/14 after your amazing words to me about the consequences for women from men when they settle for casual. She shared that her feeling about the situation with AG was it was pure revenge from the start. This got me thinking about the text messages he had initially sent me. Looking back, there were some obvious red flags that he wasn't being serious. Also, the fact that the afternoon of the planned rendezvous, he was in the parking lot at the gym when I parked. He saw me park and practically speed-walked to the entrance of the gym so as not to run into me.

Last Saturday I worked out at the gym in the morning. (Two full days post-Wednesday's bogus plans.) At one point, I was walking down some steps and bam, he was at the bottom of them training a client. (Ugh--of all the places.) I knew he was aware I'd walked past him. He kept his head down and energy completely off of me. This, after at least two weeks prior, day after day, of him working his way back into saying hi to me, nodding his head, waving, etc.

I realized deep in my gut, right then and there that yes, his contact the Monday before and everything we'd agreed to for Wednesday night was, indeed, a trap. And I'd walked right into it.

For me, looking away from being so maliciously played, and resigning to having been kicked to the curb did not sit well with my Aries self. Not one bit. So, on Sunday late-morning, I sent the following text to him. (I will share it verbatim, b/c his response to it is so very telling.)

"Funny---was going to call bullshit on you Monday with all the !!!! after your text messages and the classic, "I've always wanted you…", but opted to play along instead, having some degree of belief that you, (his name), were for real. Obviously, you're not.

In many ways, we're similar (love of fitness, incredible work ethic, a true caring about the people we teach, wanting to help others live better lives, living daily with the loss of a family member and the void that leaves in one's heart, and being head-over-heels for our daughters).

The one big way we are worlds apart: I've got a spine. Where the heck is yours."

The last question was rhetorical. I truly sent this with zero expectation of a response from him. I simply wanted to speak my truth so I could punctuate the game and put all of it behind me.

Literally, within 3 minutes I got a text back. "Really you think I don't have one?" I did not respond. Immediately, I receive "????" from him. I did not respond. Next, I receive "Hello", to which I did not respond. I haven't responded since, and he did not send anything else.; February 18, 2014 at 10:59 AM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG

2 of 2

Let's analyze: 1) Notice how he did not address the 1st paragraph of my text. He never copped to me calling bullshit on him. Also, he did not object to me saying he wasn't for real. Kind of interesting. 2) The second paragraph actually acknowledged some positive traits of his, which he glossed over as well. 3) The only part that got his attention was when I basically called him spineless. Suddenly Mr. Disappeared Game-Player responded immediately. 4) Look at the double-standard here: when I don't respond to his "really you don't think I have one," he follows it with question marks and then a "hello", utterly impatient that he doesn't have my attention. Yet, he has disappeared repeatedly, never responding to me.

Being that he is a male Aries (born 4/16) and obviously sought revenge on me before, I am now wondering if he will let this one go or if I am IN FOR IT, so to speak.

My comment asking him where his spine was, was meant to make a point. That's it. Like I said, to punctuate my entire experience of him. It seems as if he got a bit insulted, and is now faced with a double-whammy from me: 1) I suggested that he was spineless, and 2) I didn't text him back after he was clearly demanding a response from me.

Should I hide for the next month and workout somewhere else until this dies down? Or can I walk into that gym, confident and attention completely on my thing and trust that this guy will go away? Did I just ironically start something with my attempt to end it?

This is what happens, I suppose, when two Aries people keep pissing one another off…

Sorry, MOA. I'm a bit ashamed to admit the above to you after my vow to myself, to you, and to all the other ladies here to be done. I simply refused to let this Aries guy kick me to the curb and have the last word. He can do that to his other chicks, but not to this Ram.

As always, thank you.

AW/AG; February 18, 2014 at 11:00 AM
Gemini50 said...: Hey there WomanPower! Very nice mssg. Yep - I do Javas when the weather is nice. It's amazing to see Ms. Mirror's reach throughout the world. What a WOMAN!! ;-)

Well ladies, Match guy flaked again. We were to meet tonight for a beer. I was expecting his cancellation yesterday; it came @ 7:45 this morning> hey Gem50 !! Hope all is well !! Things are real busy for me right now and I'm hoping to have to put this on hold for now !! Hope this isn't to short notice for you and I promise I'll text you when things get less crazy for me !! I'm thinking in a couple weeks !! I got your number and I will get in touch with you soon !! Take care !! (His name)

My response?

Nothing. Nada. Zilcho. Crickets.

All I can do is shake my head... and look forward to Spring. :-)

Hugs to all!; February 18, 2014 at 11:14 AM
Rickie said...: Mirror, can you do me a solid and remind me that I am doing the right thing by remaining silent towards the Man Boy??? I mean, I KNOW that I am, but I feel my resolve getting a little shaky these last two days. Part of me just wants to message him and be direct about why I've fallen off his radar.......and the other part wants to see if he's going to be content to just LET me fall off. Know what I mean?

Maybe it's because my 40th birthday is next month, and I had hoped by that time that I would have THAT part of my life sorted out, seeing as I've spent the last year being single, and getting to the point where I was at peace with that.....and then this butthole tossed a wrench in it. lol

As always, a million thanks!!!!; February 18, 2014 at 11:46 AM
KK said...: Hey to all the wonderful ladies... Just wanted to say I think all of you are doing very well, after reading the most recent comments, I have to say even I felt ‘something’. I’m so happy to see that we’re all there for each other and supporting one another while acknowledging things or seeing them in a different light (for what they really are), accepting it and then moving forward with those lessons we learned (painful at times, but we need it). And somehow, I also sense some peace and optimism here. Let’s keep that going!

To Gem (since I don’t know when this will be posted) I hope you have/had a fantastic time on your date, I hope he’s a decent man that you can see having a 2nd date with lol. Just enjoy... I’m excited to see how it plays out.

To Chk61 – Same thoughts to you as well regarding the new men coming into your life. “I am (ok, rather reluctantly) meeting one of them tomorrow night. He doesn't seem my type but I will give him a chance.” – I know we all have a ‘type’, but it’s usually the wrong kind (just look at all the stories here). So sometimes, stepping out a bit of the ‘norm’ is needed, and sometimes the man who usually isn’t your type is the one that surprises you the most. My Taurus wasn’t my type at all, but I gave him a chance... and turns out he was well worth it! I’m not guaranteeing the same for you, but you never know... Don’t write them off right away. Wait until you meet and spend some time with him and see what he can offer you or how he makes you feel, then you’ll know if he’s your type. That goes for all the ladies too.

Mirror, I swear I’m dating the male version of you LOL. It’s like he’s been ‘coached’ by you or something. It’s still going very well, he’s still consistent and reliable and his actions always line up with his words, he’s still initiating everything – dates, calls, txts, certain topics (the serious ones) he’s very open about how he feels, so he’s obviously an emotionally mature man, he’s ready for a relationship, etc. I can’t keep track of the dates we’ve had because there’s been so many, we love spending time together but he’s always the first to tell me that. We just went out last wknd (8th) to the movies and he got all cuddly and was holding my hand – PDA baby! Lol. It was nice. He wasn’t ‘afraid’ to show that I’m his, he wasn’t too ‘manly’ for it, and it wasn’t a ‘chore’. He does these things because HE WANTS TO. I don’t want it to sound like I’m bragging and gloating to all the ladies here, but this is proof of what a real man – and a genuinely interested one is like. I haven’t had this level of comfort with anyone, physically, emotionally, etc. He offers a lot of security and stability – whereas prior to him, I had the complete opposite. Sometimes I do feel like this a huge adjustment and I have a hard time believing this is actually happening (cuz I hit the freakin’ jackpot), but I remind myself that I deserve it, we all do.; February 18, 2014 at 1:35 PM
KK said...: I also have a Bigfoot sighting to report... It happened Sunday evening while I was spending time with Taurus. If Mirror or any of you following remember, I was ‘casually’ seeing Libra a few months ago – the bodybuilder with the baby mama. We last saw each other in the beginning of Dec. And then I went into NC at the beginning of Jan. Sunday was the 40 day mark. I will be honest and say I have thought about him and also have continued to observe and know that his baby was born 5-6 wks ago. I know he moved the baby mama/gf into his home and then noticed that everytime she posts a picture of the baby or anything really, he’s not around – almost as if he doesn’t care. I think he unfriended her too and there is no actual proof that they’re together. It’s almost just as I suspected – he didn’t want this. Because I think if he did, he’d be boasting about his son and girlfriend and how happy they are and I don’t see that at all.
So anyway, back to Sunday – both me and Taurus have a nonverbal understanding of a ‘no phone policy’ when we’re together – they are turned off or put away and only used when we really need them and the attention is on us only. 8pm my phone goes off multiple times. About a half hr later I got up to go see what all the ‘commotion’ is, Taurus saw my face when I read the texts and asked me right away “Is everything okay?” I guess I looked shocked and surprised and kinda entertained. I read them quickly and then put it away and told myself to forget about it, deal with it later.

Libra: Message 1 “Hi.” Message 2 “I’m sorry, I never meant for anyone to get hurt... I just wanted someone I could trust...” 10 minutes later, Message 3 “Anyway, I’m texting cuz I had something important to talk to you about” Message 4 “It’s all good though, trust me.” – TRUST, that’s a funny word.

After Taurus left, I poured a glass of wine and sat down with my ‘journal’, and btw I’ve shredded pages in the past few months (about Pisces) and have started over, it’s pretty empty (and that’s good, that means Taurus gives me nothing to pick apart and feel insecure about) and I only write what I really need to, so now I had to get some stuff out of my system and digest this properly.
1. He’s crawling back – could be good, I can have fun and revel in that if I want. 2. He’s apologizing, good. (Although what exactly he’s sorry about, I don’t know, does he really know or understand the impact of his shitty actions towards me?) He never meant for anyone to get hurt – who’s hurt? Him? LOL. He wanted someone he could trust but yet couldn’t give it – he was shady, hurtful, always lying, playing games, etc, and yet there I was – 100% trustworthy. He could’ve trusted me, but because he was the cheat and the liar, he projected that onto me. (Let me tell you guys how sick and twisted that crap is – it literally makes YOU sick, it’s not fun when you step inside the mind of someone like that and live it, so please don’t ever ‘go’ there); February 18, 2014 at 3:03 PM
KK said...: Also, before I severed ties with him, I got fed up and felt sick of everything and took action and I messaged his baby mama. I thought out my words very carefully, I wasn’t writing to hurt her or make her feel bad in any way (and also keep in mind I felt like the other woman, a position I have never been in before and never wanted to be in and then when I found myself there, I wanted out, ASAP) I do have a conscience. I needed to clear the air and let her know the TRUTH, she deserves that. The things he said, what he told me about HER – again, projecting. The lies, he lied to both of us. Said I was a ‘friend’ when talking to her, and when around me, calling her his ‘ex’/’baby mama’, “we’re not together, she’s not my gf”. How he still came around and pursued me when I was backing away and wanting nothing to do with him and actually told him to leave me alone. I felt I had to warn her and let her know that she deserves so much better than that, I apologized for any part I may have played, but I really didn’t know what was true and what was a lie, I wished her well with the new baby and told her to take care of herself. – It’s been a while since then, but maybe she finally told him what I sent her and showed him and maybe he feels ‘betrayed’ and that’s where his statement of “I just wanted someone I could trust” comes in?
And then, just as Mirror says, he will/should make a request to speak to you. Here’s #3. He has something important to talk to me about? He has a gf to talk to about serious issues, and also has a therapist.
Yeah I am curious about what it could be, but I’m also cautious – if that’s his way of weaseling back in, that’s what he’ll do. Unless it relates directly to me, I’m all ears, but if it’s bitching and complaining about the gf and how miserable he is and all of his grievances – Sorry bud, go talk to your therapist or your girlfriend about these things, don’t waste my time. I’m not the doormat you can wipe your feet on anymore.

I wondered if he KNEW who he was actually texting too – he had a habit of getting us confused and messaging me as if I was her. I shook that thought out of my head quick though, he KNOWS who he’s texting, he kept my number and my name and everything. He KNOWS and they KNOW. Here’s the proof that maybe things do actually eat them after a while and they suffer through guilt and regret and sadness, just like we do. It’s called Karma, and it only took 40 days.

Notice how angry that came off? That’s what he brings out in me and that’s never good.

What’s the rule again, Mirror? 3 days or more? – I have a response ready and it doesn’t include anything about the trust thing or how he didn’t mean to hurt anyone, that doesn’t matter, so I’m gonna ignore it... let’s cut to the chase and get to the point, if he wants to talk, it won’t be over texting or the phone, you look at me while you speak and you MAN up, we meet somewhere for coffee or lunch and you don’t waste my time. And obviously if he can’t handle that – it’s not important after all.; February 18, 2014 at 3:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
Well dear, LOL...hmm. Okay well this part, "I'm a bit ashamed to admit the above to you after my vow to myself, to you, and to all the other ladies here to be done" - don't beat yourself up over it, everyone "relapses" sometimes.

Now this, "This is what happens, I suppose, when two Aries people keep pissing one another off…" - yea, that could be a problem, LOL. Because here's the thing, "Did I just ironically start something with my attempt to end it?" You very well may have dear. Because as you pointed out, he wasn't offended by any of your other observations until he got to the "spineless" reference. And that type of reference will set an Aries off - in otherwords - it becomes the "battle" that the "warrior" now must "compete" to "win."

Notice the buzzwords: battle, warrior, compete, win ;-)

That could now be what's in store for you dear - a battle with a warrior that will compete until he wins.

"Should I hide for the next month and workout somewhere else until this dies down? Or can I walk into that gym, confident and attention completely on my thing and trust that this guy will go away?"

That's up to you and whether or not you think you'll 1) get sucked into the drama (and possibly embarrass yourself in the process inadvertently if he gets the better of you), or 2) not engage him in this battle and continue along, unaffected and not getting sucked into it, maintaining dignity and grace.

If you don't want to engage him in battle here and you think you may get sucked into defending yourself against a possible full-on attack, then I say go somewhere else for the time being. However, if you think you can stand strong in the face of possible verbal assaults, taunting, provoking behavior, then you can chance it. But seeing you there may only make him boil a bit more and amp things up, too, ya' know?

I personally do not think this guy is worth it dear, but I also know that Aries love a good battle as well and sometimes, it's literally their life's blood - meaning, you could easily get sucked in, LOL.

Keep it all in perspective dear....it's not about WINNING. It's about being the better person ;-); February 18, 2014 at 5:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Now you truly know the definition of a "flake" dear - I think he's on "three strikes you're out" here LOL :-)

Dating this guy would be a complete headache, not an enjoyable experience...sigh.; February 18, 2014 at 5:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Rickie,
I do know what you mean dear, and it's not unusual for these things to happen, for your mind to play tricks on you ;-)

Here's what you need to ask yourself though dear, when you're ready to cave and possibly take action that you may regret later - you need to ask yourself, "Am I worth it? Am I worth fighting for?"

And the answer to that dear, is yes, you are. As you've stated, "he's going to be content to just LET me fall off." If a man you care about IS content with that, then you don't want this man in your life, ya' know? Because look at what's going through YOUR mind right now...you're feeling as if he's worth it to contact and give it another go. If he can't return those thoughts and feelings and reciprocate them back to you dear, then you don't want this man around anyway. Because it'll always be about HIM, and rarely about YOU.

Relationships should be give and take with BOTH parties willing to do the WORK required to keep the relationship afloat. If two people are in a canoe traveling down a river dear, and only one is doing the work of paddling, do you know what happens?

The canoe goes in circles, LOL ;-)

It takes TWO to keep that canoe headed straight down the river.; February 18, 2014 at 5:48 PM
KK said...: Just gotta add a couple more things - Libra is getting repetitive now and asking to meet for coffee and then when I don't answer, he keeps texting LOL. When I don't answer his texts, he tries to call. Sigh.

I also just read Gem's comment and I said out loud "Aww shit!" - Omg what a disappointment, sorry :( Can I retract my hopeful, positive statement I made earlier?
But, look at this: "I was expecting his cancellation yesterday". Do you see what I see there? Your gut was telling you already, you knew this would happen. Kind of a silver lining if you think about it... :)
I definitely agree with Mirror and noted he already screwed this up before didn't he? Never mind about this one - He can try to get in touch with you in a couple weeks, and be welcomed with silence. Keep going!; February 18, 2014 at 5:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
"this is proof of what a real man – and a genuinely interested one is like. I haven’t had this level of comfort with anyone, physically, emotionally, etc. He offers a lot of security and stability – whereas prior to him, I had the complete opposite."

Once you get used to that dear, you NEVER, and I mean NEVER - put up with crap treatment ever again, because you know that there are still real men, GENTLEMEN, out there. Once you're assured of that and you see proof of it, you don't even notice the "lesser" males, LOL ;-)

"What’s the rule again, Mirror? 3 days or more? – I have a response ready"

You know, I'll be honest with you dear - if I were you, given the great man you're now involved with, I wouldn't entertain this jag for once single second. He doesn't deserve a response. And if you mirror his behavior, that means it's not 3 days he gets one...it's 40, LOL.

But given your current situation and how happy you are, why let this jag and his crap interfere with that ya' know? Why even give him the satisfaction of a response. If you MUST give him one, tell him that you're now in a relationship with a great man, and you won't be jeopardizing that for anything, particularly his lame ass. And then remove his number from your phone and leave him in your past.

If you speak with him, you could jeopardize everything you've built with this good guy you're now seeing, you could create drama where there is none in that relationship, and you could also be sucked into "feelings" being stirred that cause you confusion - in which case, again, jeopardizes this great relationship you have going now.

I see absolutely no need to risk any of that dear, just to hear out some jag who did you wrong, ya' know? You don't even need that now. The fact that he contacted you here (even without you responding) should be enough to give you the satisfaction of moving on with your new man, into your new life and enjoying your new relationship....while dumping all of that baggage of the past (this jag of a man) at the curb.

Don't risk it dear, he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of a response. He's a dollar late and 40 days short - and you've already moved on :-); February 18, 2014 at 6:00 PM
Rickie said...: Well, the reason I was wanting to contact him was to "erase" the limbo that's in MY mind, because I'm not sure if he knows that the reason I've dropped off was because of his continued inaction over the last few months, and I wanted to clarify it for him....
Your point though, regardless, is 100% valid and VERY true, as always. :) Anytime I start feeling a little 'weak', I think about what you would say. lol And I always circle back to the point that IF I really meant something to him as he has claimed, he'd be contacting me to find out where I've been, etc etc.
I mean, I have NEVER ignored texts from him. Maybe he's in such shock over my ignoring his lame Valentine's Day text that he passed out, and is still laying on the floor! Ha ha ha!!!

I just can't thank you enough.......you are awesome!!!!

PS. Does it matter at all that he and I are both Pisces? Seems like a lot of "fishy" behavior....lol. Oooo. I should get the *gong* on that one! lol; February 18, 2014 at 6:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Rickie,
" was wanting to contact him was to "erase" the limbo that's in MY mind, because I'm not sure if he knows that the reason I've dropped off was because of his continued inaction over the last few months, and I wanted to clarify it for him"

Here's the thing though dear, a lot of these guys, this is SELFISH behavior. Meaning, many of them don't realize what's wrong because they only ever think of themselves. And the beauty of SILENCE is this...it actually FORCES these men to THINK.

Your silence forces them to actually THINK about YOU for once. It forces them to reflect on what may have gone wrong, what may have been said, what they may have done, etc. Bottom line, your silence gets them to think....about YOU. Get what I'm saying?

If you spell it out for him, then he has absolutely NOTHING to think about anymore, ya' know? It's like putting a period at the end of a sentence - it's a done deal, don't have to wonder about that anymore. When they SHOULD be wondering about it. They should be thinking about it. They should be thinking about what went wrong. They should be THINKING....about YOU for once.

But if you come along and spell it out for him, then he has nothing to think about anymore and he'll be back to thinking about himself before you know it LOL ;-)

The entire point of the silence is to compel him, to FORCE him, to THINK....about YOU. To wonder where you're at, why you're not responding and what went wrong and the part he may have played in that. If you spell it out for him, you end that thought process....he no longer has to wonder, he no longer has to think - and he's free to then move on without giving any more thought to the matter.

The silence is a psychological process - and the psychological thought process can't kick in without the silence, ya' know?; February 18, 2014 at 6:10 PM
Rickie said...: You're right. You're absolutely right. Thank YOU for spelling it out for ME. lol
I'm going to continue to come back to this and read it over, and over, and over. I'm almost embarrassed to admit how much I come back and read your articles AND the comments sections to keep my head on straight. (It's a LOT. lol)

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!; February 18, 2014 at 6:47 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ KK, thanks for your comments... no worries dear. Ms. Mirror is right, 3 strikes, he's out. I am so ready to meet men in the "real" world now. ;-)

And sweety, I had the same thought as Ms. Mirror when I read your post about Libra contacting you. I wouldn't risk putting any doubt of your intentions towards this new man by meeting up with the lame Libra. Don't do it girlfriend!

You've got a great thing going with this new guy... go with THAT!

Leave Libra to HIS mess. He created it, don't let him drag you back into it. And think of one more thing: even if he does apologize, do you believe he'd be doing it for you? Or doing it to try to get something for himself?

He's not worth it.

{{HUGS}}; February 18, 2014 at 6:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi KK,

I agree totally with Mirror and Gemini...

Don't let him drag you back into that pit. You're emitting positive energy now and you've attracted something new and wonderful that matches that. I really think these blokes pick up on some level when you're moving on, I think they pick up on that energy. One you don't want to ruin what you've got with this new man because don't underestimate the power of negativity (which is what he is) to take hold and tarnish what you've got now. You've obviously done a lot of work and grown and the universe is now rewarding you, embrace the positive and do not look back, you do not need to now :) Also, sometimes when we make changes the universe sometimes gives us little tests to see how far we have come and if we are really ready for the new. So just be mindful as if your changes are relatively new then you could still be in transition period so resist the temptation to sabotage this (inadvertently) and slip back into old patterns, you'll only regret it later and kick yourself!

If I were you I would take Mirror's advice and tell him you've met someone else, you're really happy and you wish him all the best

It is great to hear that you're doing well and this story about your new wonderful man and it gives hope and inspiration to us all that things can and will come good in the end and no I don't think you're bragging - shout it from the rooftops ;) !!; February 19, 2014 at 7:18 AM
chk61 said...: Agree with the others regarding KK and her reappearing man. It doesn't seem worth possibly endangering what you now have. While I thoroughly understand the temptation I think it would be best to ignore.

I'm actually now feeling glad that I spied on my D.M.'s revamped dating profile on Valentines day. Even though it made me sob and feel terribly lonely it made me realize that even if he came back begging on bended knee (which I highly doubt he will), I would never be comfortable with him. I would never be able to relax. He lowered his real age by 3 years so that ostensibly he can meet younger women. He was already almost 6 years younger than I am (although a couple friends who met him said we seemed to look to be about the same age). It's funny, most women say our age difference was not significant but most men agree that it was.

Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior. Most people don't change all that much. We can't expect these male leopards to change their spots. They may be able to modify them a bit but what we've seen is pretty much what we'll get.

So when I consider his past behavior, once I get past the physical and intellectual attraction, he is not attractive - at all.

I don't think he'll return but if he does, I am feeling pretty darn confident that I won't feel tempted to give him another go. He would have to make a grand romantic gesture like you see in the movies and that is not in this guy's playbook (at least not with me).

I was supposed to meet someone new last night but weather got in the way. We will reschedule and I'm meeting someone else on Saturday. I'm feeling pretty content. Being a woman "of a certain age" and trying to find a partner is not a walk in the park, but I know I'm OK alone too. Yeah, it gets lonely at times, it is a couples world, but it is better than having your emotions yanked around by an entitled, immature D.M. who doesn't know how to treat other human beings with compassion and respect.

Feeling confident, and optimistic. Yup, that's in my playbook. Yesterday was dark and snowy, today the sun is shining and I'm on my second cup of coffee. All is well, and today is the first day of the rest of my life, right? ;-); February 19, 2014 at 8:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have a question about a guy I was seeing.

We dated for about 3.5 months from July-October. I won't go into great detail about our relationship or anything, but I will let you know that when he split things off, I started the immediately the next day the No Contact with him for 30 days. He never reached out to me and I never did him. We were still Facebook friends. The day after Thanksgiving (over 30 days from the time we broke things off), I sent him a text that said "Hey! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!"... he responded over 24 hours later and said "I did, thanks! Hope you did as well!"... at that point, I responded an hour later and just said "Thank you, I did!"... The next day, he then unfriended me on Facebook... so back to No Contact I went. I assumed he did this to show he wasn't interested after all or to try and get my attention.

Now, a few weeks ago, I texted him randomly and just said "Hey, how have you been?" He responded that same day and said "Busy, but good. How have you been?" so I responded with a joke and just said "I've been busy as well, but good." He responded and said "That's good to hear!" so then I responded and said "Well, not sure if you're seeing someone or not, but if not and would like to grab a drink or two sometime, let me know." (I know, I know...)... anyways... he never responded to that, so I have not contacted him anymore. Well, I downloaded the snapchat app on my phone and added all my contacts in my phone (which he was apart of), he added me back, which was fine. I'm not sure if you are familiar with snapchat, but it gives you an option to send snaps to your friends directly (you can pick and choose which friends) with photos that last up to 10 seconds or you can post a "My Story" which posts to your screen name and stays there for 24 hours for anyone on your friends list to view as much as they'd like for up to 24 hours. So, yesterday morning, I posted a cute photo of myself after I got ready for work and added a caption that said "Happy Tuesday!" to the "my story." Around 1pm, I noticed he had viewed the snap (because it shows you which friends view it). Then at 6:30pm, he sent me a random text message that said "Great snap! Very cute!" and all I responded with was "Thanks!" and nothing. He didn't text me again to start a conversation and I did not either with him.

Here is where I'm confused. The snap I posted was a public post to all my friends and he did NOT have to send a text commenting on it since I did not send it directly to him. Why on earth did he reach out to compliment me? I know I need to not text him and just let him come to me (which I will do), but do you think he will? I'd like to try things again with him, but I want that confidence he will try again and based on the advice I've read you've given to others, I believe he will and that was his way to open up a door and gauge to see where my interest level was.

Any idea? I'd love your advice!; February 19, 2014 at 10:31 AM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG

Dear MOA,

I absolutely treasure your words about remaining in dignity and grace. Also, that this isn't about winning. It's about being the better person. Amen. Thank you for those.

That reminder about not winning is essential here. Made me realize that this whole situation for me has been about winning from the start: winning him over (initially), then about winning the game. I'm still trying to sink him. There is a huge part of me that wants to walk up to him, look him in the eye, and say, "You met your female match. Watch out. Game ON." I will not do that. Really. I won't. But that's very much me.

This is where the dignity and grace part comes into play.

He actually sent me a text yesterday morning (before you'd posted your response to me) which said, "Nothing to say…"

I responded with, "You cowering behind text messages and disappearing acts won't get you anything more from me."

Within 30 seconds his response was, "At all?"

Seems like he got the better of me there?? Anyway, I did not text back. What I wrote before his response was dignified and true, and that's what matters.

With that last response, he might feel victorious (??) and hopefully, the battle is over. (If you have gut feelings otherwise, feel free to share…)

I will workout at a different gym for another week or so. It will help root me in my "grace" and "dignity", and keep me out of the threat of more game playing.

oxox
AW/AG; February 19, 2014 at 11:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AW/AG,
"He actually sent me a text yesterday morning (before you'd posted your response to me) which said, "Nothing to say…"

I responded with, "You cowering behind text messages and disappearing acts won't get you anything more from me."

Within 30 seconds his response was, "At all?"

Yea don't engage him anymore. . .because he's ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS. It's a game, it's feeding his Aries fire and he's rather proud of himself here, being a bit smug about it.

Engaging him won't burn him up. But you know what will? IGNORING HIM. Ignore an Aries (as I'm sure you, yourself, already fully know LOL) - and THAT sends them into orbit. He's enjoying the attention, he's enjoying the knowledge that he actually "got to you" with that last stunt and he's enjoying the battle that is now taking place.

Don't give him the satisfaction dear. Put a period on the end of his sentence and then deliver a round of....pure silence :-) When you no longer give him the time of day (or anymore of your head space), he'll get that you no longer care (fighting him and engaging him only shows that he got to you and that you care, otherwise, you wouldn't bother ya' know? So don't give him anymore of that kind of reassurance here.); February 19, 2014 at 1:13 PM
Anonymous said...: From AW/AG

I do regret responding to that text yesterday. However, I really wanted him to go away. Just like the spineless text message I sent on Sunday. With both, the intention was punctuating him, but it's obviously fueling his fire.

First he was offended and put off, now (like you said) he's proud of himself and enjoying the battle. Who knows? Maybe he feels he "won" the battle yesterday with that last remark?

I'm walking off the battle field. Working out a a different gym for a while. I doubt I'll hear from him anymore if I'm off the radar.

My mantra is about dignity and grace, and being the better person/not winning. Those were THE perfect words for me to hear from you yesterday.

Blessings,
AW/AG; February 19, 2014 at 1:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi, I am in need of some advice. I am definitely in that stage of feeling angry at myself including the man who disappeared on me a second time. I met a man online there is a 15 yr gap difference in age. He claims he dates younger women because older women are more uptight and not as fun lol. Anyways, things moved really fast and the first week we were talking communication was great. Our 1st time texting lasted about 10 hrs straight. We were constantly expressing our feelings for eachother, staying on the phone for hours and greeting me via text everyday. I do feel I made the mistake of obviously being too available (i was the first to admit my attraction for him, initiated the first phone call, and I was very agressive on the topic of sex.) Everything was mutual, he has called me on his own since then and we talked everyday. I made the mistake of telling him I love him too soon when I really didn't mean it. I loved the person who I thought he was, I really thought he was great person inside and out that's what I loved at the time but not in love with him. He then said he wanted to be in a relationship with me. Even though things were moving fast feeling wise, I didn't quite feel I was ready for a relationship but I didn't tell him that. So one night after a great phone call telling me loves me and wants to be with me. The next morning I don't hear from him. I tried to give it a little time to see if I would hear from but I started freaking out thinking the things I said made him not want to talk to me. So I sent a decent amount of texts expressing why would he lead me on, apologizing for saying I love him to soon, and telling him it's ok if he's not interested. Well I didn't hear from him the whole week. This is going to sound ridiculous (b/c it is) but I showed up at his door (he thought I was someone else who he was suppose to be interviewing). He runs a massage business at night and works with young females around my age. That's actually how we met, I was seeking work but I am away at school, so in the meantime we just started talking and hit it off I guess. I didn't think he would reappear so I really wanted my closure and to know why he would do this. I know this is really desperate but I pretended I was someone else seeking work and planned to interview with him. I knew the risk that were involved because we had never met and I didn't know what how he would react. I showed up and in private (b/c others were around) i explained to him who I was. His reaction was fine he wasn't angry but surprised I explained to him why I did it and he told me something happened that he didn't know how he would tell me and we could discuss it the next day. I only stayed for 10 min. b/c he was busy. Later that night text me saying he didn't respond because all of texts took him off guard and creeped him out (he thought I possibly crazy, and also his stepfather had an heart attack, so it was kind of crazy that day.) He claimed that if i didn't do what I did, he was going to text me (I obviously didn't believe that so meeting with him face to face unannounced) is the reason I did what I did. I already know that I'm behaving to desperately which I really dislike about myself, I did it with good intentions because; February 19, 2014 at 2:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Our first phone convo since the incident he was saying things such as marrying me, having kids, how he would never do me wrong and if we were to break up it would because of something I did. He says so many things that he obviously hasn't backed up. If always told me he accepts me for and how he wants me to be honest no matter what. We have talked about our past and I'm usually the one asking all of the questions. Towards the end of that week we talked on the phone again and he was saying the same crap how we belong together and of course he always talking very sexual. When we got off, I texted him saying I rather wait to have sex and get to know you. He responded "Omg ok. Your wrong but that's fine." I told him it was a test question and I just want more from our conversations rather than us saying how bad we want eachother. He had to go because the girls were there to work. I also tested him earlier that day by purposely not responding to his texts and he was acting more clingy then me he called about three times, leaving voicemail and texts. The next day never heard from him. I didn't freak out, I waited purposely throughout the day to see if he'd say something but he never did. So I sent a couple text throughout the day but nothing dramatic such as the last time he disappeared. One of the last texts I sent him was I'm backing off b/c everytime I try to communicate I get nothing. I thought we're suppose to be in a "relationship". I hope all is ok and I'm here to talk always even though you think I'm quiet. I said the quiet part because he always says how quiet I am on the phone which I don't think its that bad but maybe if he tried to create better conversation rather than talk sexually and tell lies about how he wants me. He always disappears before I'm suppose to go see him. Like the last time I purpose bought a train ticket to come see him, so when he says that he was going to text me after he thought things cooled off I think thats bs. He knew I was coming in town to see him and he didn't even bother to text me. Anyways after he disappeared for the second time, I was stupid and showed up at his door unannounced the day I was suppose to originally come see him before he pulled this. It was vday, he was there b/c I could hear the tv and moving around and he ignored me and left me in the hallway. I text him letting him know I was outside and I just came to talk thats it. No response, so I told him that he was pathetic and what is he scared of, he's the only man I've ever known to pretend he's genuinely interested in someone but lies about everything including who he is a person. We were face to face last time he could've told me the truth about how he felt then and we couldve went our separate ways. If he didn't want a relationship or sex then I don't know what his intentions were with talking to me and lying. He prefers girls such as his exes (which he claimed were very disrespectful and used him) and he has more in common with them than me. I'm glad I didn't let him pick me up from school (which is a 2hr drive and asked me that early on before disappearing, I told him no thanks) b/c I wouldve been stuck at school for the weekend. The last thing I said was I hope he grows up and learns how to treat ppl instead of lying and telling girls what he thinks they want to hear rather than being real. I know this situation sound crazy but I fell for somone way too soon and I deep down I do want him to reappear to see if he would apologize and really cares if not then I don't want anything else to do with him. I am trying my best to move on since that's my only choice. Do you think I scared him away with my actions and telling him about himself or I might possibly hear from him again? I would really appreciate your advice and honest opinion. I really love how honest and non judgemental you are.; February 19, 2014 at 2:13 PM
Anonymous said...: I feel like there isn't enough history between me and him for him to reappear and miss me. All of this happened in a matter of a month smh. I felt like he never gave me a chance so even if he became uninterested which I don't understand how that can happen overnight if your feelings are real for someone. We never got a chance to truly sit down and meet eachother in person. I just want him to be the person I truly thought he was and be honest about how he feels.; February 19, 2014 at 2:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 19, 2:13 PM,
"I thought we're suppose to be in a "relationship"

I'm confused dear...you thought you were in a relationship with a man you never met (and that you faked an interview with to actually meet)?

"Do you think I scared him away with my actions and telling him about himself or I might possibly hear from him again?"

I think a LOT happened here before a relationship was even able to be considered. I think you need to emotionally detach dear. Not to try to lure him back, but so that you can free yourself to accept the reality that lay before you and move on as best you can:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

"I don't understand how that can happen overnight if your feelings are real for someone. We never got a chance to truly sit down and meet eachother in person."

Honey, I hate to burst your bubble here, but your feelings for someone can't be real - if you've never even met them. At that point, you're "feeling" for the fantasy version of him, the one that women tend to glorify in their heads, ya' know - and NOT the real man....because you've never even met the real man :-(

"I just want him to be the person I truly thought he was and be honest about how he feels."

You have to give things the time and space to grow and flourish dear. There's a process to that, a courtship process that involves mating rituals (that the man should lead, not the woman). It's a step by step process that takes a lot of time to fully grow:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

If you're planting a garden (relationship) and you're out there every day, several times a day watering the plants morning, noon and night...while you may think you're caring for them, you're actually drowning them. They will turn brown and the leaves will wilt until eventually, they die :-(; February 19, 2014 at 3:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 19, 10:31 AM,
"Why on earth did he reach out to compliment me?"

You can't take anything that happens on social media seriously dear. Sometimes these guys are simply bored, ya' know?

"I know I need to not text him and just let him come to me (which I will do), but do you think he will?"

There are no guarantees dear, only time will tell. But in order for him to do that, you have to remain silent and give him the space and time to do so when/if he decides to :-); February 19, 2014 at 3:38 PM
JD said...: MOA said: "But if you come along and spell it out for him, then he has nothing to think about anymore and he'll be back to thinking about himself before you know it LOL ;-)

The entire point of the silence is to compel him, to FORCE him, to THINK....about YOU. To wonder where you're at, why you're not responding and what went wrong and the part he may have played in that. If you spell it out for him, you end that thought process....he no longer has to wonder, he no longer has to think - and he's free to then move on without giving any more thought to the matter.

The silence is a psychological process - and the psychological thought process can't kick in without the silence, ya' know?"

It's true! Some of you have followed my story with a DM. and the PAIN he caused me. OMG I was a MESS. Well since my trip I'e been ignoring him, but he doesn't know I have begun the process of emotionally detaching. So it doesn't bother me that I don't hear from him, why I don't hear from him or the deal with FB since he unfriended me almost 2 months ago. LOL

I didn't hear from him in 2 weeks and I got a text Sunday night. LOL actually I am not expecting anything from him...which too bad he doesn't seem to see right now because when that happens to me, I stop caring. SILENCE does WORK. It taught me that it requires self-control but you've got to do it. Also by unfriending me on FB, he doesn't get to see what I've been up to. I agree with MOA that social media like FB is another tool that allows people to be manipulated.

At some point you will get tired of the inconsistency and disappearances and realize you deserve more. Don't wait on him. I'm not really dating around, though I will be (no sex though) but am investing in myself like going to graduate school, shopping for a new wardrobe and spending a lot of my free time in the gym. BTW all the hard work has brought out some abs. LOL! Just go out there and do things that make you feel good about yourself.

And if that guy contacts you, don't give him so much information. If he hasn't given you details about his life, don't give him a novel lol. MIRROR those actions. He WILL get it.

In one of the texts DM said: "It's not my fault you don't feel the same way....well maybe it is a little." HA!

Make some noise with your silence. Let him think. Give him that space. But don't wait for him.; February 19, 2014 at 4:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Even though it wasn't a relationship, and we talked for such a short time period. Do you think he'll ever come back around or realize he was wrong for lying and disappearing on someone? Do you know why he might've disappeared for a second time? I don't understand how a person can pretend they're truly interested and create such a facade. I guess I don't understand because I would never do someone like that. It's just not a part of my character. I could never lead someone on.; February 19, 2014 at 4:55 PM
Anonymous said...: I am taking your advice of emotionally detaching myself I'm tired of thinking about this situation and feeling like a fool. I keep making the same mistakes.; February 19, 2014 at 4:58 PM
Anonymous said...: I just heard from this guy after six months! Six months after the last time I ignored him due to his stupid behavior. Should I just respond? Seems really random... Just a "hey how are you?" No apology...but nothing really happened...except that he basically stopped calling...He thinks that I was blowing him off, I am pretty sure?? Men are really dumb!; February 19, 2014 at 5:00 PM
KK said...: Thanks to all who replied to the 'Lame Libra' post, I appreciate all of your thoughts and advice. I'm so glad you ladies are here. Lots of love to you girls!

I did write him back and told him I was with someone and I'm happy (he says he's happy for me, continues on to say he misses me and just wanted to talk, and that he feels really bad), I reply : That's great. But I don't need him anymore, I never did. I'm not his Plan B, back up, side chick, or doormat anymore. Just because he is now miserable doesn't mean I have to be too. He also said he was sorry for texting too much and then calling, he didn't wanna cause any friction between me and my 'new' bf. (yes, we are official - there was even a contract LOL - all in good fun). It was quiet for only 10 minutes and then almost obsessively he starts back up again. If he didn't wanna cause any friction between me and Taurus, why is still texting? Dummy! I laughed and saw it for what it is when I read his next message - " Hey I know you found someone but I just wanted to say hi, and if you ever find that you are not happy with him and feel like he might break your heart, then text me. Take care (Sad face)". - He has 'poor me' syndrome. (Insecure, Manipulator, Liar, etc)

I asked Taurus if we could talk - I wanted him to know what was happening, as it was happening, and be honest and open with him. I figured if I held onto this, it would rear it's ugly head later and cause something eventually. I trust him completely and I needed his sound advice too - he's very blunt, it kinda shakes me and wakes me the eff up! lol. We talked on the phone for 20 minutes and then he rushed over to my house, he didn't want me to be alone with this, he was worried and a bit nervous, so then we sat and continued to talk about this. He advised the same - I should not go meet him or hear him out, why, what's the point?

He says to me "Do you understand that he'll lie right to your face only to benefit himself?", "People like that honey, NEVER feel any real remorse for what they did", "Trust me ok, I'm a man and I know exactly what he's trying to do here". "And on top of that, that would affect me, I would worry like hell and have to take 10 steps back, I don't even like that you're considering going, like do you still have feelings for the guy?" (And he repeated the question a few times during our talk). He continued: "What would you do if my ex came back and asked me to meet her, how would YOU feel? (she is the exact same as Libra), what would you tell me to do?" (I'd tell him the same he's telling me). Then he added: "I'm not trying to control you and tell you what do here, but I don't understand why you need that, I'm not judging you either or trying to be hurtful or too harsh, but he's in your head now - that's what they do. So now I need to know something, do you want him instead, cuz I can go... I don't want to, but if you're gonna go meet him and talk to him and let him come between us, I won't be sticking around for that, is that what you want?". - My answer was No, I don't want that. I was even sorry for bringing it up, I shouldn't have. But he said it was fine and actually a good thing, better now than later, or you trying to hide it and then me not trusting you, he said he did trust me and he was glad I told him.
At some point I did cry - I've never let a man see me cry (it's ugly lol), he read my mind and said "he really hurt you didn't he?" - and that's exactly how I feel, but I could not get those words out during the conversation. He just held me and let me cry and told me all of the things that you girls have said too. We are ok, there are no doubts or worries, we're back on track... but we didn't even really fall off.; February 19, 2014 at 5:35 PM
KK said...: In the end, that's what it all boiled down to, he (LL) hurt me. It's all emotions at first, and then once that wore off and I got it out, all the logic and sense came into play. I do know he's no good for me or anyone at all, I don't want someone like that around me, he's toxic.
I 'detoxed' and rehabbed in a sense over the past few months for a reason, it's a lot of work and it's not easy - but all of that 'work' is worth something really great in the end.

You end up with happiness and dignity and peace. And that is what I want. That is what I HAVE. And those things are more important than anything else anyone else can give me.; February 19, 2014 at 5:39 PM
Gemini50 said...: Hi all, 1 if 2 (my apologies this may jump around)

Ok, I know Match guy is a Flake, but he's still a man (back in the petri-dish apparently), and the following shows how quickly my silence has been felt.

First off, I was feeling kind of down this morning. I was discouraged and disappointed from Match guy's flake last night, and just disappointed in men in general -- and had to wonder if it's ME. It's really hard to understand sometimes. As a woman, when you've worked for everything that you have, when you've fought some pretty big struggles and won, when the stage has been set for you to kick the world back after being kicked around, but you choose instead to live with an open mind and heart -- and you encounter all these men who are just F'd up... all I could think this morning was WTF?!?!?! WTF is wrong with these guys? And it made me sad.

Anyway, I go to work, and have meetings all morning. When I got back to my office, I had a text from Match guy sent @ 7:15am> Never heard back from you (Gem50) ?? Hope your not mad but I've got a lot on my plate right now and I even canceled my match ad !! Like I said when I get my feet back on the ground I'd like to text you if it's ok !! Hope you have a great day !!! (Match guy)

I didn't respond. (my new rule of no social texting at work was my first safety net) But for a few minutes, I felt bad. Old patterns and scripts began to play: Other people's feelings are more valuable and important than mine. What will it hurt to be kind to this person? Excuse their bad behavior towards you. You are not worthy to have expectations of others towards you. And more...

I thought of writing here to ask Ms. Mirror for advice, and still considering responding when I got home.

(continued); February 19, 2014 at 7:42 PM
Gemini50 said...: 2 of 2
Instead, I took a step back and said NO. No, I am not going to excuse this man's behavior. I am not going to feel sorry for some guy I've never met AND who is EXPECTING me to accept his excuses. I am no longer interested and it's OK not to be interested. I don't owe this person a damn thing.

So, I went back to work, had another meeting, and then saw my phone blinking again. He sent 2 more texts @11:58am> Just talked to Eddie !! He's back 3 days a week !! He looks good !!

And @ 11:59am> Oops !! Sorry (Gem50) !! sent that to the wrong person !! Lol !!

My response?

Nothing.

And it's wonderful practice. It's also an amazing gift.

I shared forever ago that I started reading The Psychology of Shame. I'm still not done with it, it's clinical and quite hard for me to stay interested in many spots (probably because I don't understand a lot of it), but what the author tries to explain is that Shame should be recognized as a basis for psychological issues.

I know I won't do a good enough job explaining this, but without quoting the book, one way he explains it is that Shame is internalized in the self. So in effect, the self attacks the self from the inside out. Whereas anger or fear can be outwardly expressed, Shame is internal -- sometimes our self can't even acknowledge it... it sits and waits and when something happens to us in the present that reminds us of shame from the past, we are not dealing with the present, we replay the past. And that old Shame again eats away at our selves from the inside -- and there is no escape.

No escape, that is, until we begin to rewrite the scripts. Replace the old images we have that caused us shame with new ones. And this is where my gift in this instance has come in. I didn't share this yesterday with my first post, but I had begun to beat myself up over Match guy from the inside. I should have known! I should not have given him another chance to flake on me! It was my fault for allowing him to do that. Yep! That was my shame based scripts. And they were all internalized, eating at me, and I was working real hard to convince myself that giving him another chance was NOT a bad thing. He blew it, not me. But I didn't really believe it -- I was just trying to be kind and strong to/for myself.

But after these texts today, and my ability to recognize his attempts at manipulation (feel sorry for me I have so much on my plate and Oops, I mistakenly sent you a text), my shame is gone. I rewrote the script. And I will continue to do so, hopefully each time will be easier until it becomes normal.

This guy sounds like a nut; he's acted like a Flake and a man who has absolutely no concern for me, that's for sure. So, yah, no thanks dude. Not interested. Next!; February 19, 2014 at 7:48 PM
WomenPower said...: @ Hi AW/AG.

You shouldn't see and create around him that "winner" light because he is a complete loser. Let's see him:

You met this "trainer" in the gym. As a trainer, he has an easy "access" to women while working with them and he should be aware of the fact that he shouldn't abuse it. Even if both the "trainer" and the "client" of the gym freely agreed on it.

You didn't meet him in a dark nightclub but at his workplace! The way how he did it with you and still enjoying it is very low. I think you are not the only one with whom he has masturbated his ego in this way...

How many women already had to leave that gym? You won't come there for 1 week maybe you will never return there. His work ethic is completely absent and he's is so unprofessional.

Now imagine. If you were working on a project and one of your client will withdraw because of the fact that you were playing with him...what your boss would do with such an employee who lost complete control over the private life and is projecting the shit on clients? And that there are clients saying goodbye? You would be fired immediately...

This trainer-loser cannot see the bigger picture of what he is doing at his workplace! And it's quite obvious that with this behaviour, sooner or later, he will get fired. He didn't win anything.
You won your "grace" and "dignity". He is the loser.

AW/AG, please see the thing from this perspective as well and don't give him the power in your mind. Maybe this can help you: when you're describing him here I can see him as a little muscled energetic rat chasing his tail!; February 20, 2014 at 6:12 AM
Anonymous said...: I have had a BIGFOOT sighting!!!!!!! My DM contacted me last night after 9 months, I was in shock really. I knew in my gut I would hear from him but maybe after a year or so. Just to bring everyone up to speed, I was introduced to him through mutual friends, he pursued for a couple of months and then I pursued him and he began to ignore me and finally poofed without a word. I did send him 2 texts when he first disappeared but he ignored those and never responded so I poofed and he definitely heard crickets. Well last night I came home early because I had to get ready to go to my friends funeral that passed on Saturday. Well I put my cell to charge and when I finished getting ready I put on my coat, grabbed my purse and phone and saw the message he sent through whatsapp he said " Hello hope you are well! Love you like the first day."

I was in shock when I read that I knew it was coming but I just put my phone in my bag and carried on. Don't worry Mirror I did NOT respond. I deserve an apology for the way he treated me and that's what I will get and if he doesn't he can go kick rocks. I went to bed that night with a smile on my face not that he came back but because I had the self control to NOT contact him and realize that if he wants me he needs to come correct. That old girl he met is gone, now it is time for the MOA way. SILENCE does speak loudly and it took months to realize that there was nothing wrong with me but it was in fact HIM. If he was willing to let me go so easily he doesn't deserve me and when you treat people poorly you risk losing that person. So Mirror now is the waiting game he needs to apologize first and then maybe I will decide to respond back. If I do what should I say? Should I be aloof and say I've just been very busy and act as if I didn't realize how long he's been gone, just happy and carefree? Plus I will be seeing one of the mutual friends we have in common on Sunday. Should I tell her he contacted me and see what she says? I want to tell her in person to see her facial reaction.

I slept like a baby last night and I know his mind was racing wondering why I didn't respond. It feels so good to be in control. HAHAHAHA.

-- Jennifer; February 20, 2014 at 10:49 AM
Anonymous said...: To WomenPower from AW/AG:

Thank you for your post. I agree with your points. I actually used to work at for the same fitness company years ago, and I know the head of his gym branch. I suppose I could get his butt in serious trouble if I wanted to be that vengeful. However, he has increased the company's personal training income by 115% and they actually give him money to design workout facilities within the gym, so it's doubtful he'd lose his job. He's a big piece of their bread and butter. Besides, I don't want to "go there" anyway. Too much drama and emotional effort.

I'll workout at a different branch of the gym for about a week, then with pride and dignity I'll go back and do my thing. You're right though: one has to wonder how many women have left that gym, and how many women he's played these games with.

You're also correct: I won by speaking my truth with grace and dignity. He's the loser rat chasing his tail. (Love that image!)

I truly believe that what's perpetuating this for both he and I is that we are two Aries in battle. He started the game last fall which became a spiteful, vengeful war of sorts. We're Rams. Neither of us like to be insulted or ignored. We actually get energy from a good fight. We're both competitive, and not either one of us likes to lose.

For me, this is a lesson of walking away from the battle (which I've never easily done---I'll hang in there with my nails bleeding from the wall until I "win" or get my way----that's the infantile Aries persona). It's also about knowing (like MOA said) that it's not about winning and hanging in there, it's about being the better person.

Again, thanks for your comment. I truly appreciate it.

AW/AG; February 20, 2014 at 3:38 PM
sweetladybuns said...: It's 4AM - I'm finishing up a grad school paper and feeling kinda somber about my DM. Well, at least, I'm being (somewhat) productive these days!! At times, I think that I just need to yank the band-aid off and call him back. You see, after he disappeared on me for about a month, he came back with gusto. But 5 attempts over 2 weeks just wasn't enough for me cause I reallllly needed to hear an apology and it never came. Yes, I received a nice "thinking about you" vm and everything. And, ya, we were verrrry casually dating due to MY circumstances (separating but still living with my previous SO). AND my DM expressed to me over and over and over again about how much my circumstances freaking bothered him and he ultimately took a break from me a while back for 2 weeks because of how much they bothered him (at least that's what he kept telling me). But his latest disappearance took me by complete surprise and it hurt like h-e-double-hockey-sticks in the beginning. So, he did come back but his last (5th) attempt was 2 weeks ago (a month has passed since his first attempt and two months have passed since I last texted him). MOA, I feel like poopoo :( I want to call him back but I really think he wouldn't answer out of spite and/or hurt and/or stubbornness -- we both have tempers and are super stubborn - he's a scorpio and I'm a taurus (oh, the passion, right?). But I REALLY just think being platonic friends would work at this point for us because we live quite a drive away and I now know we are definitely not a romantic match (and sex complicates things waaaay too much for me - at my suggestion, we actually agreed to leave it out the last time we spoke). I just miss him as a friend, ugh. But I'm not calling because, if I were him, I probably wouldn't pick up the call after all of the ignoring I've done. Yet this should I or shouldn't I call him back is making me crazy. Oh what shall a lady do? Give it more time/detach even more? Maybe he'll come around a 6th time? :( poops.

Sincerely,

Sweetladybuns; February 21, 2014 at 5:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

My DM and I are attending a mutual friends event on Sunday...we are not sitting together and left off on bad terms. I went from being his gf to a FWB situation over a period of 2+ yrs. He disappeared on me about a month ago (again) after meeting a new woman/women and our last exchange via text was him placing all of the blame on me. My question is, do I even acknowledge his presence (a cordial hello) and be the better person or give him the cold shoulder? Please advise.; February 21, 2014 at 3:01 PM
JD said...: @Jennifer, if he apologizes and YOU choose to talk to him and meet up..make sure you look extra HOT. *sizzle* LOL! These DM's are amusing!

It's encouraging to hear about big foot sightings because you know you think you will never hear from them..then one day you just stop waiting and go about your life..then they appear.; February 22, 2014 at 3:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sweetladybuns,
" I REALLY just think being platonic friends would work at this point for us"

I'm not so sure I agree with that dear. Backing a relationship down from romantic to platonic very rarely works and instead, is incredibly painful to either one or both parties involved (because someone usually wants "more" than just friends, so the relationship is unbalanced).

"But I'm not calling because, if I were him, I probably wouldn't pick up the call after all of the ignoring I've done."

Remember why you ignored him dear - he disappeared on you and then reappeared without an apology. And while he may have had legitimate reasons to do so, the bottom line is that you didn't get what you needed from him, which was an apology. And while your circumstances may have contributed to that, in the end, you feel you're not a romantic match. So for you to draw him back in at this moment, even as a friend, would most likely be somewhat painful for him, and for you as well, because you may end up feeling guilty for causing him that pain.

If you want to be his friend someday dear, there's plenty of time for that in the future. But right now, I think it may be best for both of you to detach a bit more, so that in the future, when your paths cross again one day, you can both be at a place of peace, understanding and forgiveness about it.; February 22, 2014 at 8:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 21, 3:01 PM,
"My question is, do I even acknowledge his presence (a cordial hello) and be the better person or give him the cold shoulder?"

Be the bigger person dear. In the end, you'll see that it's a much better position to be in, as that kind of strength exudes self-confidence:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/12/ex-boyfriend-new-girlfriend-what-to-do.html; February 22, 2014 at 8:54 AM
Anonymous said...: My question is Mirror should I wait for an apology or now that it's been three days do I repind happy and carefree? I feel in ny heart I should hold out for an apology and I know he'll reach out again. Like you said he knows what he did but if he can get a way with it and push boundaries he will. Well its time to put my game face on, now I see why its necessary to be somewhat of a bitch when dating. I can only imagine what my DM is thinking... Hahaha.

@JD you better believe if I see him again I'm gonna be so hot, I'll be on fire. I have a feeling he'll come to see me. Lol

-- Jennifer; February 22, 2014 at 4:23 PM
Rickie said...: Nothing to report....just touching base as I re-read, and re-read, and re-read the article and comments. lol It has officially been 11 days since I last texted with him, where I sent him that song link that he replied to with "I love you...., that I didn't reply to, and 8 days since I received his "Happy Valentines Day baby" text that I also didn't reply to.
Curiosity is definitely trying to kill this cat, but I'm standing my ground.....I am NOT reaching out to him, because I'll just end up with more of the same. As you said, he needs to step up and show me that he really does care. As of now, my guess is no.

As always, thank you.....; February 22, 2014 at 7:35 PM
Anonymous said...: I was dating a guy for about a month and during that time we really connected well and enjoyed each other's company. (We weren't exclusive and had not had sex yet) Then out of no where he texted that he needed time to think. I didn't question him and gave him the space he needed. Inside my head though, I was struggling because before we had not gone a day without calling or texting each other.

A few days later he randomly texted that he hoped I was doing ok. (Unfortunately, I had not read anything on this site yet) I took this as he was reaching out to me, so I texted back very positively (not needy) and only asked how he was doing. He never replied back. This was not characteristic of him to not respond to my texts, so I started feeling confused and frustrated. I felt we had always communicated well and openly so I was definitely shocked that he was behaving this way.

At this point I felt in my heart that he lost interest or was stringing me along, so I texted him telling him that I was confused with the texts he sent and that if he was no longer interested to not text me anymore. In my head I think I just wanted closure from this and didn't want to receive random texts if he was no longer interested. He never did respond to that, so I guess I got my answer.

Looking back I completely regret sending this text. To help me process everything that happened, I came across this site and read your blogs about disappearing men. My question is, did I push him away for good by sending that text? (what if he was still on the fence about us?) Or do you think he could reappear in the future? At times I feel like I really messed it up (maybe jumped to conclusions to quickly) and if I had used NC right away instead, things might have been different. I know now to not contact him (even though it's very tempting) and to not respond to him right away if he were to ever contact me again.
I have really enjoyed reading your blogs on this site - thank you! It has helped me process everything I am going through!; February 22, 2014 at 9:57 PM
K said...: Hello MOA,

I would just like you to know how grateful I am to you and your website. You helped me rebuild confidence during a very difficult time. I wish I could talk to you, since the situation I'm about to share is very complex and I don't want to overwhelm you with text. I tried to make it as short as possible. Hopefully you'll still get the gist of things. :)

8 months ago I started dating a businessman who'd been pursuing me for years. It was my 1st real relationship. He was a client of my Mom's and she was instrumental in the relationship's development.

He treated me like a queen, but he would sometimes disappear inexplicably for days and was somewhat unreliable. I felt uncertain and broke up with him as a result. He was distraught. He told me I was the only person he loved and he would wait for me. I felt guilty and we got back together the next morning. He made plans to see me that evening, but was unreachable. I never heard from him for days. My mother (who was unfortunately very involved in our relationship) spoke with him and he explained that his mom suddenly fell ill and he had to fly her to a doctor overseas. He said he never wanted to tell me for fear that I'd think he was making an excuse. According to my Mom, he was sad and said he hadn't been himself since the breakup. Once more, my guilt chipped in and I tried to contact him. He never answered. He only contacted my mother.

After a few days, he called me and confessed that he missed me, but was afraid of me. He came to see me a few days later, got on his knees, told me loved me and begged me to trust him. Later that night he told me over the phone that there was something he wanted to ask me the next time he saw me because he didn't want anyone else to have me. He went to see my mother a few days later and professed to her his love for me. I should probably mention that my mother regularly shared with him my thoughts about him and the relationship. Her excuse was that she wanted to encourage him because he was often unsure of my feelings.

He made plans for us to go out 1 day during Valentine's week. I had assumed that would be the 14th, but on V-Day--though he called--I never saw him. He said he had made business plans for Friday, not realizing what date it was. I thought I would at least see him, but he never showed. I decided that was the end of the relationship, but was told by a friend to give it a chance. I don't call him frequently and have never initiated a date, but I spoke to him on Saturday and asked if we were still on. He wouldn't say yes/no and told me he'd confirm later. Later, he called and said, "definitely, Monday."

On Monday, he never contacted me and when I called, he never answered. He called my mother instead. A few days later he called her once more and explained that he was ill. He told her he really wanted to talk to me, but was afraid that he had ruined things. Still, he never contacted me. He called her again the next day (2 days ago) and asked how and where I was. I still haven't heard from him, nor have I called. Are you able to explain this behavior?

I remember how much he adored me and feel tremendous guilt over ending things when I did. I wonder sometimes if I should have weathered the missed dates and disappearances; after all, things seemed so perfect when we saw each other. I often feel like I hurt him deeply which may have exacerbated his insecurities and lessened his ability to comfortably talk to me.

I don't know if this matters but: he was 20 years older; we never had sex (he respected my desire to wait); we are both capricorns.; February 22, 2014 at 10:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA - what is your thought on the guys who back off and come back - whom you have NOT been intimate or dated for very long (like a month or two). If the guy knows you're not going to sleep with him witout commitment first because you made it clear and your actions showed it because you didn't sleep with him when dating, why bother coming back - just trying his luck? Or is there something more like he likes you but not sure where he stands? I guess my question is, if they know you're not inot casual relationshipns, would they keep trying over a long period of time anyways? OR are they trying to figure out things for themselves and whether they want to be in a relationship with you or not. Very confusing what the motive is here for them - and just to clarify the guy is not young/ He's mature, older and i suspect very aware that until there's a commitment, there's no intimacy. SO now he's resurfaced after like a month of no contact, what's his motive?!! Is this red flag behaviour or was he just figuring stuff out. Thanks!; February 23, 2014 at 6:50 PM
BlasianBunny said...: So I’ve been dating this guy off and on for just over 3 months – we used to work together so I guess we've know each other for about 8 months in total. Anyway…month 1 we were having a conversation with a mutual friend and I made a comment that fewer women would feel used if they kept their legs closed until they had a clear and defined place in a man’s life. In a separate, private conversation he asked for clarity on my comment. I said something along the lines of “people should define the relationship first…if he tells you he just wants friends with benefits and a woman is cool with that, then go for it. If you get your feelings hurt, feel stupid not used because you knew your place in advance. But if you’re unsure of your place and you know you want monogamy, then don’t “go with the flow”, keep your legs closed.”

We had a couple dates and conversations after that but he stopped calling about 2 weeks later. I never called or texted so we both just kind of fell of the earth. He called me 3 weeks later and asked if we could go somewhere and talk; I obliged. He said our conversation gave him the impression that I wanted a relationship and he wasn't in a position, at the time, to give it to me so he pulled back. He apologized for not communicating and said after thinking about it he realized that he never gave me an opportunity to tell him what I wanted.

I told him I liked him and wanted to get to know him, but didn't know enough about him to say whether or not I wanted a relationship. He said he felt it was about time for him to settle down again (he’s a widower - he lost his wife 6 years ago) and that he could see a future with me.

He started calling me every day after that and we had 3 or 4 dates. One night we were on the phone for like 2 hours and he opened up about some pretty personal things – not embarrassing things or anything that would make me feel differently about him, just personal. Then he didn’t call for 4 days! Lol I texted him “are you alive?” He said “yes, sorry been extremely busy, call you after work”. He called but I didn’t answer. He left a vm saying he’d call tomorrow after work. The next day he texted me “didn’t forget about you stuck in traffic”. I didn’t respond and he never called. The next day he called and apologized for not calling the previous day as promised. I said no problem – we talked for 10-15 minutes about random stuff. As of now, we’ve had no contact for 14 days then I get a random text “Just wanted to say hello and I’m thinking about you. Will call soon.” I didn’t respond. He hasn’t called.

I’m confused o_0…I was really starting to like him, now I’m starting to think he’s an asshole. Do you think he’s scared or do you think he just wants to sleep with me and realized it wasn’t worth the effort? Do you think that the fact that he is a widower has anything to do with it? Advice please; February 23, 2014 at 7:40 PM
scorpio said...: Hi MOA and ladies,

Im 21 and I met a guy online (match) who is 26. We started talking 4-5 days ago. I didn't know that he (piscies) was in another state so I was apprehensive. He told me that he has most of his family in my state and visits very often. He tells me that he is moving to my city by June or July. So I jokingly tell him that ill basically be off the market by then. Basically Im telling him that Im not waiting for him. He tells me that he is coming to my city by March 13th to see me, take me on a date, and its the weekend of his birthday. He says he told his aunt that he's coming out and she responded (and i'm loosely paraphrasing) you must be coming here to hang out or for a female. He says he likes to travel and will fly to cities for no purpose.
He has mostly women on his instagram liking his pictures though he never flirts back. , he seems to throw a pity party because he has been single for 5 years. His last gf cheated and is now married. He says he is over it. But I think he wants children and marriage because a gf he really adored cheated and later married. He claims he isnt on bad terms with her.
He tells me plans for the future like meeting his mother etc. He says he is ready to settle down and has dated but wants something more stable and marriage. I don't know how to feel about all of this.
I'm apprehensive on:
1. His true reason for coming
2. Is he serious about his intentions

Can someone give me slight guidance? Sometimes im blind to red flags.

thanks :); February 24, 2014 at 3:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @K,
There could be a multitude of things going on here, however, it's kinda like this man was dating two women - you and your mother. I don't mean he was literally dating your mother but imagine it like this, put yourself in his shoes. In essence, he's explaining himself to two women here, and there's a large age difference, which may explain why he was going to your mother instead of directly to you. He may have thought your mother could communicate with you better than he can (because of the age difference between you.) And professionally, I imagine he feared his involvement with you could possibly affect his professional relationship with your mother.

In otherwords, he may have felt like he was walking a very fine line here. Protecting his professional relationship with your mother while trying to navigate a relationship with you where there's a large age gap.

And while he may have been hurt, the bottom line is that for a mature man - he handled it very poorly, almost immaturely, by not handling it directly with you and instead, getting your mother involved, which is unprofessional and immature. A grown man really has no reason, even in the face of a breakup, to not be able to communicate directly with you, and to be avoiding discussing the issues with you. I mean think of it dear, when you're dating a man, do you really expect him to be filtering everything he says through your mother? It's odd and it's avoidance behavior.

Here's the bottom line:

"he would sometimes disappear inexplicably for days and was somewhat unreliable."

"He made plans to see me that evening, but was unreachable. I never heard from him for days."

"He said he never wanted to tell me for fear that I'd think he was making an excuse." (That's absurd. He feared you'd think he was making an excuse...so he decided that ignorantly avoiding you and not telling you anything at all was BETTER??? Nah, I'm not buying it.)

"I tried to contact him. He never answered."

"I spoke to him on Saturday and asked if we were still on. He wouldn't say yes/no and told me he'd confirm later. Later, he called and said, "definitely, Monday."

"On Monday, he never contacted me and when I called, he never answered."

"Still, he never contacted me"

From the get-go dear, regardless of the good treatment he showed you, he was ALSO showing you very poor treatment as well. Disappearing, avoidance, inconsistency and unreliability are NOT good treatment dear. Additionally, you do not want those qualities in a mate. When a man is ignorant, inconsistent, unreliable, emotionally unstable and unable to communicate....he's immature. Regardless of his physical age, those are all symptomatic signs of emotional immaturity.

Cont...; February 24, 2014 at 8:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Mature men, men that you want as a mate and men that are emotionally READY for relationships have certain qualities dear. They are consistent, reliable, straightforward, able to communicate directly and honestly and they are emotionally stable. His behavior is signaling that he's not those things dear. His behavior is signaling that he isn't ready for a relationship and that he's emotionally immature. He doesn't know how to communicate directly and in a straightforward manner, he's a bit cowardly instead, his behavior is inconsistent, he's unreliable, you can't count on him and emotionally, he's a bit wishy washy. And he's been this was since day one and it's this VERY behavior of his that even made you insecure in the first place. It wasn't you that brought that out, it was him and it was because "he treated me like a queen, but he would sometimes disappear inexplicably for days and was somewhat unreliable."

Naturally dear, when men treat women poorly like that and they are inconsistent and unreliable, yep, it has a tendency to make women feel insecure. And when you choose a mate in life dear, you want one that brings out the best in you. You want to be with a man that brings out the best in you dear. You DON'T want to be with a man that brings out the worst in you. You want a man that makes you feel secure, one that is reliable, steady, consistent in his actions and behavior and one that is emotionally mature and communicates as such. I think his behavior was signaling that he was emotionally immature and not really ready for a real relationship and all of the things, and the work and sacrifices, that comes along with them dear :-(; February 24, 2014 at 8:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 23, 6:50 PM,
"if they know you're not into casual relationships, would they keep trying over a long period of time anyways?"

Most players won't put in the effort, however, some may view it as a challenge and return to conquer. And naturally, so will genuinely interested men. Which is why observation over an extended period of time (without sex) is required. Because only time will tell the tale.

"SO now he's resurfaced after like a month of no contact, what's his motive?!!"

You're not going to know that dear, until enough time passes that you've had the chance to observe his behavior over an extended period of time and he proves himself to you as genuinely interested.; February 24, 2014 at 8:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @BlasianBunny,
"I’m confused o_0…I was really starting to like him"

The reason you're confused dear is because your emotions are now getting involved, kind of cutting away your logic here, ya' know? Because in reality, he's made himself VERY clear:

"He said our conversation gave him the impression that I wanted a relationship and he wasn't in a position, at the time, to give it to me so he pulled back."

Regardless of the fact that he stepped forward a bit and shared a bit more here, the bottom line is that he's not ready for a real relationship and he's communicated that. He may have momentarily decided to "test the waters" here to see if he was ready for one, but the reality is that ultimately, he's really not ready dear and his behavior is signaling that :-(; February 24, 2014 at 8:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorpio,
"I'm apprehensive on:
1. His true reason for coming
2. Is he serious about his intentions

Can someone give me slight guidance?"

You're not going to know this or be able to answer these questions dear, until you actually date him and you have time to observe his behavior over an extended period of time (without sex) first and he PROVES himself genuinely interested by remaining consistent, reliable, stable and openly communicating with you.

That's what the courting phase is about dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

It's the "get to know you" phase :-); February 24, 2014 at 8:43 AM
Anonymous said...: So Mirror I feel the urge to contact the reappearing Cappy, but I did not, please remind me why I shouldn't? I keep telling myself I should wait till he provides me with an apology and acknowledges what he did, I should put him to the test and stay silent. Then I read the article and it says to wait 3 days and then respond back all carefree but very positive, sort of like a tap. I'm confused. What should I do? Am I just over thinking this when the answer is simple? ( STAY SILENT).

But I think I know what you're gonna say Mirror " put his ass to the test" ... if he wants me that bad he needs to prove it. And I have a feeling that he WILL be back, as you can see they always come back :) Mirror do you think our dreams tell us something? For months I have have this one dream with this man that I was on vacation with our mutual friends and he was there with me, we were on good terms smiling and all. I had this dream for months and it just so happened to wake me up at 4:20am every freaken time. Well guess what... our mutual friends have invited me to go on vacation with them like a group trip. hahaha. I don't know about you but that is not a coincidence. Something is definitely happening in the universe and wont let things die between him and I. What is your take on the situation MOA??? I really love to hear what you have to say.

Hugs. Thanks a bunch.

-- Jennifer; February 24, 2014 at 10:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jennifer,
"I keep telling myself I should wait till he provides me with an apology and acknowledges what he did, I should put him to the test and stay silent. Then I read the article and it says to wait 3 days and then respond back all carefree but very positive, sort of like a tap. I'm confused. What should I do?"

Well first dear, you have to decide if you're doing no contact or behavioral mirroring - they're two different things.

Once you've decided which direction you'd like to go, proceed accordingly following your gut :-); February 24, 2014 at 11:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Well Mirror a considerable amount of time has passed, I have detached and feel much more clear headed so I think behavioral mirroring is in order. But what shall I say?

" Hi, nice to hear from you. Hope things are going well. Been so busy lately. We should catch up sometime soon. Have a great day at work, talk to you later! :)"

Actually Mirror it is the perfect response, hahahaha. Its not mushy or emotional.

-- Jennifer; February 24, 2014 at 12:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

This guy I recently met suddenly disappeared and the last time we talked on the phone was on Feb 10. I have had no communication with him and I am using the No Contact rule as the last I said to him was for him to reach out when he's free. So the ball is in his court. I also asked him to visit me in NY on the call and he immediately said after the first meeting (in person) he likes to feel it out more. We met on Jan 31 for dinner in Chicago (he flew in and I was on a business trip). He also said "I had a great time at dinner and I feel that there's enough to move forward". However, now there is absolute dead silence. I am completely horrified if he is giving me the brush off because our parents introduced us and in our culture it is like representing family when we are dating. In the beginnign when we first spoke, he said he tends to move slow. He is a Taurus through and through - May 8. So, question is, is it over, or will I be hearing from this person? Or is silence the brush off? I really liked this guy but if he is acting this way, maybe its a good sign of how he communicates (lack of) and that he's definitely not ready for commitment or needs more time that I can't wait around for.

Thank you,
PCP; February 24, 2014 at 5:57 PM
WomenPower said...: Hi Jennifer.

"Hello hope you are well! Love you like the first day."

This is all what he sent you. A kind of explosion of words to catch your deep emotions and imagination...

As I read it correctly he didn't invite you to go for a drink or meet outside. He was only testing waters, so I think that your text is quite too much for this situation: in fact, you're inviting him to catch sometime and you are doing his job. If I'm correct, MOA suggested this kind of text, but the situation of the girl concerned was different. The guy tried more to catch her attention... with an invitation, or an apology...

"Hi, nice to hear from you. Hope things are going well. Been so busy lately. We should catch up sometime soon. Have a great day at work, talk to you later! :)"

I would say that this text would be appropriate to send to a man who first tested waters and/or suggested something like: we should meet, go for a drink...

I would say something very soft to open communication:

"I'm great, so crazy busy lately". Here you will test if this gentleman will try to open the door...

OR "I'm great and you?" Here you will slightly open the door for him...

I would suggest you not even to use opening and ending message words like: hi, how are you...

Jennifer, pay attention not to jump on his honey-sticky talk without correct actions following his words. This could stick your butterfly wings and it will take you some time to fly again...

Wish you good luck.; February 25, 2014 at 7:15 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @PCP
"So, question is, is it over, or will I be hearing from this person?"

I can't really answer that dear as only time will tell. However, it is a signal that things aren't moving forward so what I would do is - not worry about him or what he's thinking or what he's going to do - and instead, I would keep moving forward, dating and meeting other men. If he wants you, he knows where to find you and he can always catch up with you later :-); February 25, 2014 at 8:38 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror. Good advice. So, I am just wondering, how do women put up with that kind of behavior of the guy just disappearing when they feel like it and feeling as if that they don't need to give an explanation when they return? I would love to know the thoughts from other women on how they tolerate this and give the guy another chance when he "finally returns" because I for one think that we should not be doormats when it comes to this and let this behavior fly.

PCP; February 25, 2014 at 5:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @PCP,
Well dear, it's a personal choice - settle or walk away, ya' know?

In the early days of casual dating, no, men will not race towards a relationship. So you do have to be somewhat flexible in the early days because there are no commitments and it isn't a relationship. So you can't expect relationship treatment when casually dating.

But there's a fine line between taking things slow and being downright ignorant ya' know? And as a woman, you have to know where to draw the line. You have to set boundaries and you have to dish out consequences for poor treatment:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

You don't settle for poor treatment and you don't overlook it either. The consequence for poor treatment is NO ACCESS to you - no response from you, no seeing you. Until an apology is received and even then, most times, it falls flat. But in the end, it's the woman's choice whether to extend a second chance or not. This article here is simply about kinda' holding your own in those situations and sending a message that if you take a week to contact me, I'll take a few days or a week myself. If you take 3 days to respond to me, I'll take 3 days to get back to you. If you want me to step it up, then YOU have to step it up - ya' know? It's about sending those messages without actually getting into confrontations verbalizing them and/or turning the man off and scaring him away before things even get off the ground.

It's about keeping things balanced dear and holding you own so that you don't get run over and left for dead. Can it get exhausting and draining? Sure. Do you have to do it. Nope, you can walk away. Should YOU still be dating other men during this phase? Yep, absolutely.

No commitment means exactly that - no commitment. If a man doesn't want you dating other men or doesn't want another man to steal you away, then he's gotta' commit to you - period. But in the meantime, you keep moving forward and you DON'T sit around waiting for a man to make up his mind about you.

You don't wait for a man to "pick" you, YOU keep moving forward and you pick your man. The one's you've left behind can always catch up to you if that's what they decide and when they do, YOU get to decide if you're still interested or not. You don't base your decision about a man based on HIS decision about YOU. You make your own decisions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; February 25, 2014 at 5:50 PM
sweetladybuns said...: Just an update - so I ended up calling the DM back that I ignored after his 4-5 calls a few weeks before. I was hesitant to reconnect because I didn't get an apology in his vm. But when I did call him, I laid it all out there (bc, as I said before, I'm pretty sure we are not a romantic match and I just needed to let him know "as a friend" what his treatment was like). He apologized (without me asking) and it seemed sincere. We met up later and he dropped the L bomb on me. So, yes, I guess longing seems to equal love for these guys. He said he disappeared on me because he was intentionally distancing himself because of my circumstances (I'm still living with my ex-SO at the moment) and it was/is really getting to him. He said the ball is my court -- if I want to be his "one," he would love for me to be it. I'm everything he wants. Not sure what the future holds for us, but just wanted to update everyone. And, MOA, you were exactly right. I am feeling a bit guilty now but I do think it was best for us to just lay it all out there. He said that, if I decide not to move forward, he still wants to be friends.; February 26, 2014 at 12:38 AM
chk61 said...: Hello to all:

Just wanted to share a couple of recent positive experiences I've had with online dating. Met "Harry" last week, he was pleasant, cordial and gentlemanly. He called me the next day to say he had a nice time but we're both super busy this week and made a loose plan to get together next week. Last night I met "John" and again, he was a gentleman, pleasant, attractive, intelligent. Both men very effortlessly took care of the check, there was no hemming or hawing, they just both calmly took out their credit cards and made it clear they were paying. I did not feel uncomfortable about it (yes, I offered). Both men were mid-50's, divorced with kids, professionals. I think I'm more interested in "John" but would definitely have to date both again. "John" also emailed that night that he had a very nice time and hoped I did too. I wrote back the next morning and agreed it was a nice time, kept it light, have not heard back from him but even if he doesn't, I can rest easy, knowing I just had a pleasant first meeting and I have nothing to worry about or feel badly about.

It made me think back to meeting my D.M. on date two. Date one was our initial meeting (from online dating). I was so excited about him after date one that I could barely sleep. One date two he used a coupon at the restaurant we went to, and when the check came and I offered to contribute, he told me "$40.00. I remember being taken aback and I asked him again what I owed and he said "$40.00". A bit of a different experience, and I realize economic times are tough and dating must get expensive for men but if he were a gentleman, he would have planned a different second date that he could afford without making it awkward. And then the server made a mistake on the check and he argued with her somewhat about the coupon and the whole thing, now that I look back, was a bit embarrassing and should have been a red flag. But I was very attracted to the D.M. so I forgave and forgot.

My experiences with these two new men were entirely different. I did not feel the zingy rush of chemistry and attraction that I felt with the D.M. But that usually blows up in my face anyway. Now my mantra is "slow and steady wins the race."

The D.M. recently lowered his desired age range on his dating profile so that I no longer fall into his age range and that made me feel badly for a while. He also lowered his own age which tells me something else...that he never would have considered me seriously anyway. He wants someone younger. I just wish I had known that going in. It is now 7 months since I last saw him. I think he made his reappearance already with me in October and has clearly moved on, so I don't expect to hear from him. Although I know they can reappear when we least expect it.

So after months of licking my wounds and being pretty depressed about my prospects and wondering if D.M. would reappear, I now feel more sanguine about the whole thing. I'm not completely over the experience yet with the D.M. but I have met two men who showed me there are quality men out there in my age group. I am much more cautious, will not pursue, will use "mirroring" and see how it goes. I'm going to keep my options open as I'm sure both of these new men are as well. Online dating really changes the dating landscape and if I don't see either of these men again, I don't think I will feel disappointed (perhaps mildly), I will just chalk it up as a pleasant night out.; February 26, 2014 at 8:13 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

If I'm doing the no contact method does that include not even texting the person on their birthday. The guy that disappeared on me and treated me so poorly its been 3 weeks since he disappeared. It's been two weeks since I last contacted him where I visited him unannounced and he didn't answer. I'm not a petty person so I thought about telling him Happy Birthday but when I think about how poorly he treated me and knowing 9 times out of 10 he won't even respond. I guess I shouldn't and just continue no contact mainly for myself. I still hope I hear from him eventually but its hard to believe i will after how cold he's been towards me.; February 26, 2014 at 11:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 26, 11:41 AM,
"If I'm doing the no contact method does that include not even texting the person on their birthday."

No contact means exactly that - no contact and no response for 30 days.; February 26, 2014 at 11:57 AM
Anonymous said...: Is it wrong to call a houdini out on their bad behavior? For example, my aim wasn't to be disrespectful but truthful about how I felt. I told him that he's pathetic for lying about everything and leading a person on just to disappear. Why is he scared to be honest and that he should grow up and learn how to treat people. Would a guy view that as an attack if a girl is being truthful about his actions? Also would that prevent him from possibly reappearing in the future?; February 26, 2014 at 1:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 26, 1:21 PM,
"Is it wrong to call a houdini out on their bad behavior?"

Well, it's not that it's "wrong" dear, it's just that you need to realize that when you do that, you risk turning them off and sending them away forever. And that's fine if that's what you're prepared to do.

But if you're actually attempting to hang onto them, then no, confrontation and telling people what you really think of them isn't really how you draw them towards you, ya' know? Most times, it will send them away and unless they really care for you and feel guilty about their behavior, there's a good chance they won't come back.; February 26, 2014 at 4:56 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Chk61, Congrats with the two meet n’ greets. I hope it works out for you.

When I read your post about your initial dates with DM, I had to laugh (WITH you, not at you), because of a similarity with Scorpio.

Date 1, we went out for dinner/drinks then to see a band (he paid for dinner/drinks in first two places). When we got to the place w/the band I just walked in past the door guy. Scorpio talked to the guy at the door, and as I watched, I felt he was giving us a 'pass' on the cover, and then thought I detected a sense of relief from Scorpio. I wondered, “did he run out of cash?” He bought us one round of drinks, and then I just decided to buy us the remainder the rest of the night. (Ms. Mirror, this is when he had said to me, “Don’t forget who the man is in this relationship,” and I asked him about it later. To my question he had said, “I am the man; I like to be the man; and I want to be a good man.” I will NEVER forget that.)

Anyway, on our 2nd date, we were spending the day tootling around town, going to stores looking for glass for my kitchen table. Scorpio was driving my vehicle. Well, eventually I was hungry, and suggested lunch. Scorpio said he didn’t bring any cash; I didn’t have any either, and told him so. It was a test to see what would happen. I don’t remember how long it took, but eventually I said, “But I have my credit card,” and I paid $40.00 for our lunch.

During lunch, I told him that something was a first for me… I don’t remember what it was, maybe it was the paying of the tab, I honestly don’t remember. But I do remember him saying, “this is a first for me too.” When I asked him to explain, he said he had never had a woman pick up the tab for him before.

But looking back, I don’t think that was true.

And I wonder if our inability to move on quickly from these guys (your DM and my Scorpio) vs. guys from relationships that end by reciprocal choice has something to do with us trying to come to terms with allowing ourselves to be treated poorly – being treated “less than.” It’s as if we want to rewrite what happened, and have him be someone else: If he came back, he will be different. He won’t take me out and expect that I’m going to pay; or he won’t make me feel uncomfortable by arguing with the waitress over the bill. That’s not the kind of guy I want, and it’s not the kind of guy I would settle on, and I certainly wouldn't let one use me.

So, we hope they come back as someone different to prove to ourselves that we weren’t used, that we didn’t fall for a fool, and didn’t allow some schmuck to snow our ass and break our heart!

I’m not sure about the last two paragraphs, but I’m wondering.

And you know what? These guys are fools. They’ve lost out on some terrific women -- it’s their loss.

Stay strong and happy Chk, the future is bright!; February 26, 2014 at 7:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Gemini and Ladies,

Just wanted to say your comment well deserves a mention:

'trying to come to terms with allowing ourselves to be treated poorly – being treated “less than.”'

Well I think that is really well put to describe what I think we do sometimes... Also, encapsulated in that are: making excuses for the man, not believing we are worth it, being afraid to lose the man that we do not have anyway, fear of being alone, believing this is best that we can get, not believing we deserve love, not loving the self, not believing we are special and many more...

Yeah so lots of faulty beliefs and fears that are not the truth. don't let these dictate your future!

Just sometimes someone just writes a line like you have and it is so simple but yet profound...

So ladies the minute you start to try and convince yourself that you should be accepting, allowing, making do with poor treatment and bad behaviour snap out of it, smell the coffee, gain clarity by developing an awareness of seeing what is actually going on in reality and most importantly realise you're worth it!!

Love to all; February 27, 2014 at 10:53 AM
Anonymous said...: Update gals!!!! So after 5 days I did respond back to my DM text with "I'm doing great, just very busy" and I mean not even five minutes went by and he responded right away. Hahaha!!! These guys are a trip oh so now he can respond. Anyways he went on to tell me that he was sorry, he did not mean it but things were very difficult in his life at that moment, he loves me. YADA YADA!!!! So I had sensed that when he disappeared that an ex was in the picture, as much as I wanted to believe that me sort of pursuing him overwhelmed him I never believed it in my gut that was it. I always felt it was something he was trying to end with her but for some reason he couldn't. And since he was dragging his feet to visit me, plan things, or move the relationship along told me that she lived with him or she was still in the pic. Seems like he had checked out of the relationship but maybe she wanted to hold on and give it another go. I felt he did not want to tell me the real reason why he was dragging his feet in fear of losing me but when I began to pressure him for an answer as to where we were going he bolted. He told me that he's ready to be with me, likes me, wants me in his life and now because it is the appropriate time for the both of us. So now I am just mirroring him and observing him, I can't just jump back where we left off and I think he now realizes that based on how I am behaving ( setting boundaries, no back and forth texting, being more unavailable). So far he has been responding to me right away but nothing has been discussed and no commitments have been made so my options are still open while I observe this man and his actions. It's all about his actions and if he follows through, its still too early to tell but I will keep you all updated as to what happens. BTW he lives in another state and might be in the area for a conference, he offered to pay for my ticket and stay with him but I told him thanks but I'll pay for my ticket and stay in a hotel. How would you word it Mirror to have him fly to see you instead. I won't go and offer myself on a platter but it would be nice if he can come and see me, spend time, you know dinner and all. The man should be pursuing the woman and if he's genuinely interested in her he should go to see her but how would you throw that out there? Like spin it to your favor.

Much Love

-- Jennifer; February 27, 2014 at 1:56 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 27, 1:56 PM,
"he offered to pay for my ticket and stay with him but I told him thanks but I'll pay for my ticket and stay in a hotel. How would you word it Mirror to have him fly to see you instead."

I'd probably pass on meeting him (going to him) and instead say something like, "I can't make it that week, but why don't you take the money saved on buying a ticket for me and instead, buy a ticket for yourself for the week after that and fly here and we'll have dinner and spend some time."

That way, if he makes it like money is an issue - you've just yanked his excuse for that by pointing out that he had money to buy you a ticket to go to HIM, which you've just saved him, so now...he has the money to buy a ticket to come to YOU ;-); February 27, 2014 at 3:17 PM
Anonymous said...: I know it is not a money issue Mirror, as I have heard he is very financially well off. So I need to give this man a run for his $$$, so to speak.. Hahaha. I just sometimes feel this man is used to getting his way, no way not here pal. Well I spoke to our mutual friends and they invited me to a group vacation, just a bunch of friends going on vaycay together. Sounds great and so I'm in and he just might offer to pay my ticket for that, not sure if he's going but I'm sure he will. I don't like people holding things over my head because then I feel that they begin to expect things from you. "Well I paid for your ticket so now I want sex", hell no I'll buy it myself. Its time for the MOA way sit back and observe.

-- Jennifer; February 27, 2014 at 4:07 PM
Anonymous said...: I left some personal and expensive items behind at my DM's apt a few weeks ago. There was a lame attempt on his part to return the items this past Monday as in, You around this week? Wanna return your stuff.

I replied yes, let me know when you are available and we can meet somewhere so I can get my stuff. haven't heard from him since I think at this point I should take it as a total loss and be done with it. His silence speaks volumes at this point. He is currently involved w someone else or others and has been for a several weeks thus I was cast aside like I didn't even exist.

If and when he contacts me regarding my personal possessions, do I even reply or just ignore bc at this point its just pure insanity. Please help MOA.; February 27, 2014 at 4:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror. Well, we are now approaching the 3 week mark since our last "phone call" where it seemed like after that one call he was making all the right moves (even after the first date for the week after). So, something just triggered in his mind from that call. Maybe it was because I asked him to visit me so quickly again and he wasn't ready (he said he wanted to feel it out more) but then he also said he would try to see if people can cover for him at the hospital. I am still thrown off by the "move forward" comment. I feel like he may be seeing other people or maybe just be dealing with his own demons of realizing that commitment is abreast or that he wasn't really ready for commitment. Whatever it is, I just feel like at 34, and knowing that our parents are setting us up, he should be very transparent and right now, I am not sure what to do other than to just live my life and "see ya when I see ya" so to speak. But I guess a woman senses something is off and I feel like something is just off for him to just MIA.
Mirror wrote:
"In the early days of casual dating, no, men will not race towards a relationship. So you do have to be somewhat flexible in the early days because there are no commitments and it isn't a relationship. So you can't expect relationship treatment when casually dating."

So in his mind it was the first meeting, and he didn't owe me anything and I didn't owe him anything afterwards other than both agreeing that we had a good time and there is "enough to move forward". But then the disappearing act is throwing me. I know I can't expect a relationship at this point and I am on full throttle of NO CONTACT but I really just feel like if he really cared about me he would check in.

I also know there is a Mercury Retrograde right now that has been throwing people off from Feb 6-28... I am a firm believer in astrology (however not using this as an excuse for him not talking to me) but I don't know.... maybe I am making a bigger deal out of not hearing from him for so long, if his message is he doesn't want to rush after we JUST met and he wants to make sure I am the one and get to know me.

I go back and forth a lot. Just the fact that its occupying my mind is a bad thing. I don't date a lot so I think when someone I meet and like comes around, then I feel like we as women really take it to heart. Men do not feel that way. Or if they do they feel scared and need a ton of space... to figure it out. Which I am giving him.

I have to face the fact that perhaps I will never hear back from him because he is seeing others or he just decided I am not the one. Maybe he did a favor. But its just disappointing that a man of his professional status and brainpower is really a boy when it comes to emotional depth and communication.

I think my parents are planning to contact his parents to close out the alliance and find out what their base camp status is. As corny as that sounds, at least that will make them aware of his behavior and provide some closure to this madness so I can pick up the pieces and move on.

PCP; February 27, 2014 at 9:18 PM
Mltn said...: @ Gemini50

I think there's absolutely merit to what you say - I want my image of him (my delusion of him) to be the reality, it's hard to accept that I sunk so much time and emotion into someone not worthy of it.

And the flipside, for me, is this - I am extraordinary. I'm smart, successful, funny, caring, a great singer, a fantastic mother. I'm amazing. Part of me is simply dumbfounded by the prospect that, in the face of everything that I am, someone who knew me so well, who was my best friend and confidante for nearly a decade, wanted nothing more from me than my body. Could be sated with just my body. Knew me, really knew the heart and core of me as a person, and somehow boiled that down to T&A, to "getting some," and was able to walk away from me as if I was nothing more than my T&A. That bewilders me, and pisses me off.

And I feel like believing that he's out there, regretting what he's done, longing for me, that he'll come back with hat in hand, that that validates me somehow. But I KNOW I am so much more. I know I should just be sad for him that he is so shallow. And I am. But I'm also not a ho. I don't give myself away easily. Not just my body - I don't give my deepest thoughts, my dreams, my fears, the essence of me away. I did with him when we were friends, and when we were lovers. If we had tried to make a go of a relationship, if we were incompatible, it would be different. But what happened stings because it is the ultimate rejection of who I am as a person, reducing me to a sexual conquest. I've somehow gotten to 39 years old without having that experience before.

I don't think I'm gullible, I would have sworn that I KNEW him, that I could trust him. This felt like my fingers glancing off the edge of everything, of a real deep love that surpassed what I had known before. And now everything I believe about the world is turned on end, and I'm so disillusioned that I don't know where to go sometimes. I now think there's no such thing as romantic love. Not really. And he is the reason. That's what makes it hard for me to just toss it in the past and move on.; February 28, 2014 at 12:20 AM
Zoe said...: hey Mirror and Girls,

i feel that i am finally over my DM who disapeared on me four times and dumped me in january... I still think about him but I feel no pain any more even if i picture him with someone else. He made a lame attempt to talk to me like a week after but I do not want him in my life any more. Thanks Mirror for all the advice you gave me, I reread it many times and you wouldnt believe how much it helped me recover emotionally bc after that breakup I was a mess and felt humiliated....Since then I have had one date but that guy was kinda weird and it took him days to respond my tetxts (he never called) so I just simply stopped responding to him. He was the last to msg but that was a few weeks ago and he hasnt contected me again but even if he did i wouldnt respond now.
Anyway, the reason why I am writing now is that I would like your advice again. I have met a very cute guy, he lives in the same building as I do. It is a huge block with more than 100 apartments and I just went over to a friend's apartment the other day when I bumped into this guy as he was about to go into his apartment. He smiled at me and said how are you and I smiled back but then he went into his apartment. So the bottom line is that he is very handsome and I know where he lives and last night I felt so tempted to knock on his door with some excuse asking for flour or something lol....But I dont know if it is a good idea...Actually I dont know anything about him, he might be married or have a gf but my friend who lives on his floor said that probably he is single bc he is always alone...
I live on another floor in the same building and I havent seen him before so I dont know when I would bump into him next just by chance, maybe never...I dont want to do any chasing, but do you think knocking on his door with some excuse would be considered by him chasing or too direct? I just feel I want to know more about him but dont know how....Or shall I just leave this and wait maybe I will see him around again? What do you think? I appreciate any advice :); February 28, 2014 at 7:45 AM
chk61 said...: @Gemini50:

"So, we hope they come back as someone different to prove to ourselves that we weren’t used, that we didn’t fall for a fool, and didn’t allow some schmuck to snow our ass and break our heart!"

I agree. If they come back and beg for an apology and ask for another chance, we get some validation whereas if they don't, we're just left with knowing we settled for poor treatment. And they are less likely to come back to a woman who settled for less because it lowers her perceived "value".

Interesting experience with "John", the man I met for a very pleasant first meeting on Monday. Usually I don't agree to a dinner for the first meeting but he was gently encouraging so I agreed to it. Maybe a bad idea in retrospect, too much too soon. That night, he wrote an email at midnight saying "I had a very nice time and I hope you did too." That was encouraging to me, and I thought to myself: "I'll be seeing this guy again for sure." I wrote back the next morning mirroring his sentiment and kept it light, friendly. No response that day. I noticed the lack of response but I did not think much of it.

Next morning I get another email from "John" that starts with: "I did have a very nice time..." He then goes on say I'm a great conversationalist and seem very genuine, and that I'm a beautiful woman. (OK, so far this sounds great!, I'm thinking) Then the clincher: "however, I don't feel we had enough chemistry to go on to a second date. I sense you felt the same way, and if not, I hope you understand." Wow! Wow. I was pretty floored and surprised at his swift and decisive action but at least I'm not left hanging and wondering. Still, I have to admit - I was disappointed because I would have certainly gone on a second date. Funny how these things go.

This is the problem with online dating. You're confronted with a stranger and you have to see if attraction develops....and some of us (including apparently "John") expect instant chemistry from our essentially blind dates. He went in for a kiss at the end of the night, and I obliged with a very mild peck but actually, I think he was hoping for more and I wasn't going to make that mistake again. (my girlfriend thinks he's out for sex since he admitted he was just broken up with someone....hmmm). So "John" decided after one meeting with me, a complete stranger, that there was not enough chemistry. Will admit, it was a slight blow to my ego since we conversed effortlessly but I have to thank "John" for being an adult, for being very direct, for not disappearing without an explanation, and for complimenting me while he was rejecting me. ;-) His communication was clear and very adult. I do not expect to hear from "John" again and that's OK!

"Harry" seemed more sincerely interested in me, so I'll be getting back in touch with him to solidify a plan for meeting again. This online dating thing is not for the faint of heart!; February 28, 2014 at 8:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 27, 4:18 PM,
In this case, I'd send a text and ask him to place your items somewhere outside for you so that you can stop by to pick them up. I'd tell him you're sending someone over (send a male over if you can) to get them.; February 28, 2014 at 8:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mltn,
"I've somehow gotten to 39 years old without having that experience before."

You and me both dear. I NEVER experienced a disappearing man until my late 30's. When I was in my late teens and early 20's and dating, this deplorable treatment was not commonplace. People didn't treat others as disposable. Sure, relationships broke down and/or sometime you weren't a match, but at least we faced each other back then in some fashion and clarified things. But nowadays, with all this technology...it's incredibly easy to be cowardly when dating.

And that's the route many modern day men are taking these days...the cowardly one. And their using technology and social media to aid them in this behavior. Which is why I truly believe that the "disappearing man" is a modern day dating phenomenon brought on in our culture by technology. As much as technology aids us these days - it also damages us as a culture just as equally.

"I now think there's no such thing as romantic love. Not really. And he is the reason. That's what makes it hard for me to just toss it in the past and move on."

While I understand why you feel that way dear - don't let one bad experience define you or your beliefs as a woman or a human being. You're so much more than any one single negative experience you've had, ya' know? That one bad experience is not a reflection on YOU, it's a reflection on our modern day society, and there ARE still good men out there. While they are becoming the minority, they do still exist :-); February 28, 2014 at 8:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Zoe,
"do you think knocking on his door with some excuse would be considered by him chasing or too direct?"

Well, it is very bold dear, and it probably will be seen as aggressive by him. But even more important, it puts you at risk. Because like you said, you don't know him, and you're not going to know if he really likes you or not. If you knock on his door, he could become opportunistic about the situation. He could invite you in, sleep with you eventually, and then bolt. And if he's ever confronted about why that happened, he could come off like, "Hey, she came to me. She wanted this. I didn't mislead her, she knocked on my door and I simply took her up on her offer." Ya' know? Just be careful with that is all :-)

"Or shall I just leave this and wait maybe I will see him around again?"

I'd probably try to place myself in/near situations he's in. Maybe visit this friend more and next time, after saying hello, strike up a conversation. Ask how long he's lived there. Whether he likes it or not. Tell him you live there too and you're visiting a friend, etc. Just strike up some conversation :-); February 28, 2014 at 8:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61
"I was disappointed because I would have certainly gone on a second date. Funny how these things go."

See, that's the downside to online dating. These men are quick to judge, even quicker to slap a label on you and then stuck in the "kid in a candy store" effect - so many women, so little time. And they dive right back into the pool of women, always looking for something "better" to come along, instead of realizing something better is right in front of them. It's like their ego fools them into thinking they can snag a supermodel on Match.com or something LOL.

Either that, or they expect to experience "chemistry" on a first date, which to a lot of these men, I believe is code for "sex." It's like saying to you, "You didn't jump into my lap on the first date, so I didn't feel any chemistry and I'm moving on." It's absurdly ridiculous. What kind of chemistry do they really expect to feel when first meeting an absolute stranger, ya' know? It takes time, lots of time, to get to know someone. For folks to drop their guards and be who they really are. And these flakes don't give ANYTHING a CHANCE to GROW. They want instant gratification, and they want it on the first date. Which is highly unrealistic. Their expectations are out of whack and their view of dating and how men and women truly mesh is askew. They give nothing a chance to lift off the ground, and expect instant gratification immediately, which is insane.

"You're confronted with a stranger and you have to see if attraction develops....and some of us (including apparently "John") expect instant chemistry from our essentially blind dates. He went in for a kiss at the end of the night, and I obliged with a very mild peck but actually, I think he was hoping for more and I wasn't going to make that mistake again."

Exactly.

"His communication was clear and very adult. I do not expect to hear from "John" again and that's OK!"

Yes, he was at least an adult about the matter. And who cares if you never see him again. He's shown his true colors, he was out for "revenge" sex (against the ex), and that doesn't need to be with you. His value as a man is LOW, truly very LOW...and you don't want a low value man in your life. That's how you need to look at this.

And the next time one of these men tells you this, you respond with this, "Whew, thank you for saying that. You're absolutely right and I totally agree. There was not chemistry and although I think you're a very nice guy, I completely agree that this wasn't a match. I was a bit concerned about how to tell you that, but it appears we feel the same about it, so thanks for putting it out there. Much luck to you, John!"

You flip it right back into his lap....and off you go, LOL ;-); February 28, 2014 at 9:02 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Mltn, My dad had said to me once (maybe more), "It's ok to make a mistake, but if you keep making it, you've got a problem you need to address."

Ernest Hemmingway is quoted as saying, "The only way to know if you can trust someone, is to trust them."

Ms. Mirror has advised us to change the loser phone number names to "POS" on our cellphones so when they call, we can answer, "And which (piece of shit) mistake were you..."

I know it's like a knitting needle sticking right in our side when we recall these relationships... but instead of the regrets, we need to forgive ourselves for the mistake. All of it -- the whole thing -- every mistake we made with the guy -- everything we ignored --everything we made an excuse for -- everything we did with him -- everything we let him do with us. Instead of kicking ourselves, or jamming that needle into our ribs (figuratively speaking), we need to accept that we are human, and humans make mistakes.

Hemmingway is right, to truly know if you can trust someone, you have to trust them -- and time will tell if they deserve our trust or not.

But, now that we have the tools learned from Ms. Mirror's wisdom, we are in a better position to eventually trust a good guy rather than a bad one. Because a bad one is going to do just what John did to Chk61. He's going to move along when he doesn't get his free and easy sex (although you are disappointed Chk, your behavior and strength weeded him out -- good job! ;-)

Ms. Mirror has been right about so much (unbelievably amazing sometimes lol), that I'm going to trust that she's right with her comment to you, Mltn, that there are good men out there. Don't give up.

Today and tomorrow are not about your co-worker loser -- today and tomorrow and the rest of your life is all about YOU and your wonderful self! (hugs); February 28, 2014 at 10:59 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror....I completely agree with you about online dating and the "kid in a candy store" effect it has, especially with men. I hear that some women also have this mentality but I think the seemingly ready availability of hundreds of women at their fingertips truly influences men. I read a book called "Why Men are the Way They Are" years ago and one of the things I remember from the book is that a man's primary fantasy is to have sex with as many women as possible, and a woman's was to find one man to build a relationship with, have a family/home with, to feel secure and protected by. Thus a committed relationship (e.g. marriage) satisfies a female's primary fantasy but the male has to give up his primary fantasy. With online dating, men don't have to give up their primary fantasy! (BTW, this book by Warren Farrell is dated but still an interesting read!)

Of course, there are always exceptions. My never-married 46 y.o. friend met a man (divorced, two kids) online just over a year ago and moved in with him 11 months later. It seems pretty certain they are in it for the long term and will get married.

On the other hand, I heard about a man I know who in his early 40's slept with about 20 women via online dating. He eventually settled for a woman 12 years his junior, and is reportedly in a relationship now. So he was able to get his ya ya's out AND land a much younger woman. Nice for him!

After some reflection and based on some things he said, I think you are correct about "John"s motivations. A year ago he ended an eleven year relationship with a woman (I think meeting her caused his divorce after 3 kids), obviously choosing to not marry her and from what he said, she is still upset, *and* he just had a two month thing with a woman he met online who ended it, since she got a job in another state and did not want to do long distance. He was still licking his wounds over THAT woman and was out for some ego validation (quick and easy sex).

I think he ascertained from our meeting that I was not going to provide this validation so he decided to move on to find exactly that. Oh well. I really can't worry about him, I'm almost over it but he did everything right: he made the first contact, he pursued me, he made it happen, but he just as quickly squashed any possibility of it having a chance. At the very least, I am grateful that I don't have to sit around and wonder where he disappeared to!; March 1, 2014 at 8:14 AM
thefuturesbright said...: Hi Mirror, I don't know where all your wisdom comes from but you could well have changed the course of my future :)

My story is so similar to those already on here (except I'm a young widow with 4 children) that I won't go into it all here ;) Suffice to say that, this morning, I was wondering how in the world I was going to get through day 3 of him ignoring me (been seeing him 18 months and he keeps doing this) to actually knowing that I will not only deploy nc but feel so much stronger already it's amazing! The kids were wondering why I was dancing in the kitchen earlier :)

And, while I was reading all your advice on here... he txt me! It was a generic joke he probly sent to 10 other people and I had no inclination to reply, I even felt more empowered because he contacted me first :)

I'll be doing it to get over him because he is so like the manupulative people everyone describes and I know I'm wasting my time, my kids and I deserve better.

So, ive read a couple of times that you've recommended internet dating, I'm on eharmony but are there any you know of that are good and don't send you details of people that are thousands of miles away!

I posted on another blog/advice site a couple of months ago and I was such a wreck :( thanks for strengthening my resolve today, I think it'll take me a long way :); March 1, 2014 at 1:06 PM
sweetladybuns said...: Hi Mirror, wow, I just wanted to say how incredibly right you were about my situation. I wrote above about my DM coming back and telling me he loved me but is/was backing away bc of my circumstances. We ended up getting into a gigantic fight after a really awesome night of having drinks (which didn't help the situation) and talking. He opened up about a past issue that he is ashamed of/is incredibly insecure (but it was kind of like an omission of truth) and I ended up telling him that I just don't trust him. I feel like we were both at fault, but with him doing the most damage in terms of doing and saying hurtful things (my stomach hurts whenever I think about it all). He seems to disagree. He ended up contacting me the next day and we talked a little but I don't think we will be in contact anytime soon. Do you think that disappearing on each other is a good thing for cooling off periods? Maybe the space (I'm talking months) will help me at least put things into perspective? Have you ever thought about doing a piece on what to do after having an argument?

I think you're the best, seriously, *the best.*; March 1, 2014 at 3:37 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey MoA,
I would appreciate your advice: I started dating an acquaintance about a year ago. All seemed to be going really well until he disappeared for about a month and a half. Then he texted me and things resumed as they were before his disappearance. We hung out every weekend for about two months, and then he disappeared again. This cycle has been repeating itself since last February. I’ve made every mistake there is with this guy including initiating contact and asking him out. After his last disappearance a month ago, I found your site and implemented the no contact rule, including ignoring his birthday. A few days ago, I got a text from him in which he apologised for not being in touch and asking how I am. I have not responded. The question I have for you is: should I? Even if I only send something polite and distant? I know that there is probably no chance of him changing his behaviour and I refuse to settle for it anymore. OTOH I know that I will be seeing him around because he is a friend of a friend and he has contact with my circle of friends. I want him to think that I simply don’t care about him; I’m not mad and I don’t hold a grudge, I just don’t care. Will a text along the lines of, “I’m good thanks, hope you’re well” be okay, or should I just leave things alone? Thanks,
Dee

**sorry if I posted this twice**; March 1, 2014 at 9:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @TheFuturesBright,
"I'm on eharmony but are there any you know of that are good and don't send you details of people that are thousands of miles away!"

I know many of the women here use Match.com. I'm not a big fan of the free sites and the reason for that is that to me, they appear much more like hookup sites. Meaning, players want what they want for free - they like it free and easy. They don't want to pay a site to meet someone for a hookup ya' know? So they pour into the free sites at alarming rates, LOL.

But men who want a relationship with a good woman, they're willing to pay for that service to meet one. So I think because of that, odds on a paid site are better than a free one.

However, there are women here who report that women have met good men on free sites and there are women here who meet nothing but hookup artists on places like Match.com. So in the end dear, bottom line, online dating is not for the feint of heart. Meaning, it's down and dirty there, LOL. You're going to meet lots of players and a few good men. So realize that going into it. Realize that for every one good guy you meet, you're probably going to experience 8 or 9 loser players before. So it's a good bit of work, filtering through the men and qualifying them first, before getting intimate or emotionally involved with them. You can't take every single man you meet online seriously because many are out to "snow" a woman, to get something for nothing from her. So just know that and when it happens, don't blame yourself. Don't blame yourself for meeting 9 turds and one good man, LOL. Because it's happening to many other women there as well, you're not alone and it's not you....it's simply the nature of the beast online. So make sure you put your armor on when diving into these other sites :-); March 2, 2014 at 10:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @sweetladybuns,
"Do you think that disappearing on each other is a good thing for cooling off periods?"

While I do think that time and space are actually very useful and healthy ways of dealing with disagreements (so that you don't act overly emotional and/or experience lack of self-control and a "filter" with things you say that you may regret later), if this happens again and again and again dear...that should tell you something - that it's really not working :-(

"Maybe the space (I'm talking months) will help me at least put things into perspective?"

It definitely will dear, and most times, women report back here that after doing so...they don't understand what they saw in the man in the first place, and they don't understand why they tolerated the treatment so very long. In the end, the new perspective helps them to realize there was really nothing to gain from the pairing in the first place and they were holding onto a dream, a "fantasy" version of the man, instead of seeing the "reality" of who he truly was in the first place.; March 2, 2014 at 10:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Dee,
Well, this is a personal choice dear. I really can't tell you what to do, you have to follow your "gut" ya' know? If you want to respond, then send a blase response as you've indicated and then let it drop. But if, in your gut, you really don't care and really don't feel compelled to respond after the apology...then don't. You don't owe this guy a thing dear, and to worry about him and his feelings at this point will get you nowhere. Why worry about offending a man that's been offensive to you, simply because he finally apologized, ya' know?

At that point, the damage is done and you don't owe this guy a thing, not even basic courtesy at this point. So don't think you have to respond just to be "nice" - because you don't :-); March 2, 2014 at 10:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Good morning MOA. What is your take on NC and painfully shy men. Thank you for your continued guidance.

Astrid; March 3, 2014 at 8:57 AM
Scorpio said...: Thanks MOA,

You're right I waited to see this guys intentions and it was right on the money.

Starters: I have a bad habit of researching guys I date online haha. That's just me.
But it helped in this case. All of this happened within Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I noticed a slight change in our communication within a 3 day time period. I felt (my instinct) that I wasn't his top priority suddenly. At first I gave him the benefit of doubt but I was right.
So on his instagram he posted a #WomanCrushWednesday of a girl (last week) and they're talking, cool, he's single whatever. But it's the second picture that I saw yesterday of the same girl in a car. Turns out she made up her mind within 6 hours to get on a plane from Florida to visit him in Michigan in the snow for a day. Her friends are asking her if that's her boo and she's gushing she likes him (posting pictures like they are a couple) but they arent together.
Now that she has left. He texts me Sunday while I'm on a date with another man asking me for the first time in his slagging three days of taking 18 hours to respond or longer "What you up to?" I didn't respond. He texts an hour later and says, "K welp good night :-)" I guess she was sleep on the east coast and he knew I'd be up on the west coast.
So basically, he was trying to have women in different states by saying he was booking an airfare after a week of knowing you to come see you and take you on a date.

I followed your article and the law of scarcity and it works but it confused me why he thought that I would respond within the hour when it took him forever to respond. I didn't make myself too available to him he knew Im busy but I still never took past 18 hours to respond. His slacking wasn't with one word answers. It was like everything was normal but the pace he would text or call was off.
Thanks to you, I was aware of his BS before I got involved in it too much.
I still haven't responded. I can see his is still on the dating site.
I was weary of a guy from another state but I gave him a chance because he was in the Army, has family here, visits often, and plans to move here within a few months (lie).
I remember the last phone conversation we had he said his job pushed back when he can move to California again. I said you won't be here until next year then. He seemed to get mad and told me not to be negative.
Moral of the story is believe a man's actions not his words (no matter how long he talks on the phone to you)
Watch out for guys that want sympathy (my ex cheated, ive been single for 5 years, etc)

My question now is how can I get rid of him now? If I just fade away and ignore him he can see that I'm still online and will say something.
I would prefer to tell him that I'm aware of his game but I can't because I was "researching" haha.
So, how can I tell him in a nice way that I am aware and I don't want to speak to him again? He's the type that will post what you say on instagram . For instance there was a screenshot of a girl saying "F&%* you I'm not your priority" and he said "start showing me that you have something to enrich my life and Ill treat you like one." (paraphrasing)
So now that I have made this mistake, what should I say or do?

Thanks MOA; March 3, 2014 at 1:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Astrid,
"What is your take on NC and painfully shy men."

I don't really have a take on it dear because I don't give men who claim to be painfully shy the benefit of doubt. In otherwords, I don't make excuses for poor treatment.

Ignorance is ignorance and being shy is no excuse for treating others poorly and/or taking them for granted, ya' know?; March 3, 2014 at 3:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorpio,
"how can I get rid of him now? If I just fade away and ignore him he can see that I'm still online and will say something."

Doesn't matter if he says anything or not. You can block him and just disappear. You don't owe this guy an explanation and any that you even attempt to provide, he'll simply put his own "spin" on and then use against you to embarrass you publically - so don't bother walking into that situation willingly.

"how can I tell him in a nice way that I am aware and I don't want to speak to him again?"

I wouldn't bother as you don't owe this man anything, however, if you're insistent on explaining yourself to him, I'd simply say, "I don't think this is going to work. I wish you luck in your search." And then leave it at that. But again, I wouldn't even bother doing that because this guy will place his own spin on that and then pull some stupid prank with it on social media....I wouldn't even consider giving him that satisfaction.

"So now that I have made this mistake, what should I say or do?"

Nothing dear - again, you owe this man nothing. He's never bothered to explain himself to you, so there's no reason to reciprocate something he's not even giving you. He's not explaining himself to you, therefore, you do not have to explain yourself to him.

Keep it balanced - mirror his own actions. If he gives no explanation, then he gets no explanation...it's really that simple dear :-)

And with men like this, the LESS you say - the BETTER. Otherwise, the more you say, the more you explain yourself - the more information you hand him to place his spin it and lay blame on you. Don't give him that type of satisfaction or that type of information to work with dear.

Less is more :-); March 3, 2014 at 3:17 PM
scorpio said...: Thanks moa.

He text me an hour ago with the "hey" text. I still havent responded this is his third attempt. Match.com doesn't allow you to completely block members unfortunately. Even if I blocked him he could still view me which he is doing right now.
Being that we talked so frequently and long I assumed that I should let him know that I'm not interested. But ignoring like you said might be best. As of today he coincidentally put his instagram on private and changed the name to something very complex like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. The problem with ignoring him is that his birthday is coming up next week. He was supposed to come to my state. I don't know if he bought his ticket or not but that would be another reason to text me which I don't want. So I'm really baffled on whether to ignore and let the sequence of events pass or say I'm not interested have a nice life. Lol; March 3, 2014 at 5:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Right on! Thanks MOA. I absolutely love your no nonsense advice. You're the best!

Astrid; March 3, 2014 at 6:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello MoA, I am feeling quite distressed.

Since the beginning of February I was talking to a man I met on a dating site, who lives in the Bahamas. He showed me from the start that he was super interested in me. After talking a short while, he even deleted all the other females friends from his profile, leaving me as his only friend on the site. He told me that he wanted to do this to show me how serious he was about me and that having other females on his friend list was a distraction and wants to concentrate on just me and explore our potential. I was delighted.

We skyped a lot and he told me that he wants me to come to the bahamas to meet him and his 10 year old son in person (who I met and talked to on Skype). I told him that I have 2 week's leave from work from 14th March and in our most recent conversation last Friday, he said he will send me the flight money the following Monday (yesterday). Well, this never happened. Unfortunately, I believed what he told me last Friday, and right after our Skype conversation, I booked a flight using my own money because when I checked the fares, I was tracking the fare for this particular flight and 'I saw that they were increasing by the day. The biggest thing that made me book the flight was that I saw there was only one seat left available. So I booked it, in the belief that I would be getting reimbursed by him yesterday.

After booking my flight, I emailed him my flight timetable, and left him a Skype message to call me but he hasn't responded to either. I still see him online on Skype, but he has not called me at all.

I fear that I have been lied to and he was not as interested in me as he professed. He has said a lot of things to make me believe he was serious about me. He constantly spoke of missing me and him needing to see me soon. He introduced me to his son said that he sensed I was his soulmate, and directly told me that he wants me to meet his mother. He even told me that he loved me. Now he has disappeared.

Today I looked at his dating site profile and saw that two more women has been added to his list of friends. So now I am one of 3 women on there. I am devastated and don't know what to do.

I realise that i should have waited until he came through with the money yesterday, but I panicked when i saw there was only one available seat left which I felt compelled to secure before it was too late.

My flight tickets are expensive and I've been informed that I cannot get a refund or have it amended so I am stuck with these tickets which is looking likely I wont be using.

Shall I ask him what's going on? I am very upset right now and want to confront him and tell him off, but I know it wont solve anything. Should I do nothing and hope for the best that he contacts me before I am due to fly out next friday? I would be grateful for any guidance on this matter.

Sharpy; March 4, 2014 at 6:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sharpy,
"He showed me from the start that he was super interested in me."

Unfortunately dear, what he showed you was a bunch of flowery talk. And when it came time to take action, he did not do that. Instead, he made YOU take action to go see HIM. Not a good sign dear :-(

"So I booked it, in the belief that I would be getting reimbursed by him yesterday."

Ugh, don't do that dear - this man is a complete and total stranger at this point. For all we know, he could be a con artist. Never take the word of a virtual stranger as gold dear. Words are only words, they float away on the air. It's ACTION that truly tells the tale. And when it's all talk and no action, when a man's words do not align with his actions...that's a big red flag dear :-(

"He has said a lot of things to make me believe he was serious about me. .He constantly spoke of. . . said that he sensed I was his soulmate. . .told me that he wants me to meet his mother. He even told me that he loved me."

Unfortunately dear, that's all talk - just WORDS. There's been no action, just a bunch of flowery talk :-(

"Shall I ask him what's going on?"

Why dear, so he can continue to ignore you? You already have one message into him that he's never responded to. So doing the same exact thing and sending another is most likely not going to yield a different result here. You don't need to hear his words to tell you what's going on - his actions are already telling you :-(

"Should I do nothing and hope for the best that he contacts me before I am due to fly out next friday?"

Forget him dear, he's gone. Take the trip and enjoy it as a vacation. Don't bother trying to seek him out. Instead, enjoy the weather and the sun, see if a friend can meet up with you there...and make the most of it dear. Hell, who knows...you could go down there and meet a completely different man that turns out to be a great guy - you could have a great adventure down there.

So go, enjoy yourself, relax, have a great time, get a friend to meet up with you there - and consider it a little adventure dear :-); March 4, 2014 at 8:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi again MoA,
Thanks for your response. I have decided to take your advice and go my own way without ever contacting him again. I have just booked a reasonably priced hotel online and I've made up my mind that I will be just fine without him. Afterall, I am friendly, outgoing and gregarious, therefore, I'm sure I will make friends once I'm, there! Feeling excited now! I was just mad at myself for being gullible enough to be taken in by his BS. That no-good timewaster can go to hell!

Before I wrote to you I was convinced that I will have to stay home and let the ticket go to waste. So thank you for giving me perspective. You're a gem!; March 4, 2014 at 5:04 PM
Anonymous said...: I have a question. I started talking online to a taurus man 1.5 months ago but we only spoke on the phone once. And when I texted to see if we can talk again, he said yes but never called. I went NC and still haven't heard from him 2.5 weeks later.

I heard my 2014 Cappy horoscope, and it says Venus was in my sign until March 5th or so. I guess that explains why taurus came into my world but has now disappeared.

Is this safe to assume then? That he'll not likely reappear?

Thank you; March 4, 2014 at 6:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
Wanted to ask you a question about guys and there texting habits?
I texted my guy one day asking how he was and he replied to that text 10 days later because I did no contact during that period.
But I think I stupidly let him back way to easily,so I ignored his couple of text messages and replied quite a few days later but he didn't answer me.
So I left it a few days and I texted him again and he replied literally within half an hour.
So we texted back and four for quite a while,so I left it with him having the last word,so I decided to disappear on him.
That was over a week ago but I stupidly text him how he was and he replied straight away asking how I am and I replied back and asked him if he had a good day and he has ignored me and he seems to have dissapeard on me.
Do you know what he is doing?
Am I right that he wants control?; March 5, 2014 at 7:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 4, 5:04 PM,
Pack your bags, plan some local activities, buy some new clothes for the trip - and HAVE A GREAT TIME dear!!; March 5, 2014 at 8:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 4, 6:07 PM,
You never know dear, sometimes these men reappear a year later, so it's hard to say. But you can assume that you're free to continue forward with your life, dating other men and enjoying yourself. If he wants you, he knows where to find you :-); March 5, 2014 at 8:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Wed, Mar 5, 7:37 AM,
"Do you know what he is doing?"

It appears he's playing games dear. Not a good sign. When a man yanks you around to that extent very early on, it's a red flag. Dealing with men like that is usually a waste of time and that behavior can go on for months and nothing ever lifts off the ground.

If I were you, I would cease initiating contact with him. I would wait for HIM to contact YOU and when he does, I'd take my good old time responding to let him know that I KNOW what he's doing. With any luck he'll knock it off, but more often than not - they don't :-(

He could simply be enjoying an ago stroke from this, and he may have no real intentions of a relationship. It's probably not worth continuing forward, but if you're going to anyway, DON'T contact HIM, let him contact YOU, and when he does...take your time and mirror his behavior so you don't get sucked in, run over and left for dead ya' know?; March 5, 2014 at 8:26 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

What do you think of men that push for sex. I mean all men eventually want sex but if its too soon in the relationship how do you handle that? I remember a story you shared where the woman told the man to go find a hooker and gt a $20 dollar blow if it was that important to him. I want to not be like all the other women he has dated as I have the feeling he is used to getting what he wants. I have no problem saying no bur how would you do it playfully as to shock him and keep him coming back for more.

-- Jennifer; March 5, 2014 at 12:05 PM
chk61 said...: Wow. Not sure why but I peeked again at my D.M.'s match dot com profile. I guess because I knew it was his birthday, and well, I looked...(he doesn't know I looked, I'm anonymous). Yeah I know, a waste of time, but I have remained silent and we're going on almost 5 months of complete no contact.

I remember him telling me once he was "shallow and superficial". His actions further cemented his opinion of himself. I also recall that saying "when a man tells you who he is, believe him". I saw that he had modified his requested income of his desired match. Under his own income it says "I'll tell you later". But for his desired income of the woman he hopes to meet, it USED to say "$50-75K, $75-100K, $100-150K, $150K+".

Currently I see he has eliminated the "50-75K" category and now his dream woman has to make upwards of $75K, and even better, more than $150K.

For this guy to state that his date has to make over $75K and hopefully upwards of $150K is really appalling, especially when he won't disclose his own salary (I believe he makes between $100- 125K)

Unbelievable. I never told him what I made but I do pretty well, even though I am self employed. I have always lived frugally and beneath my means, so I don't have a fancy car or a splashy downtown condo that I can't afford, or designer clothes. Personally, I don't want to be worked to the bone and then drop dead of exhaustion. I take several weeks off a year and make my own hours so it has worked for me. I am not a corporate climber, I would be miserable in that environment. I drive an old car, have an old phone, freedom is more important to me than money. I know he immediately judged me by the kind of "stuff" I had (material goods).

It's appalling that this man won't disclose his income but flatly states he wants to meet a woman who makes a lot of money. This is how competitive things have gotten in the dating marketplace and just shows how shallow he is. Guess I dodged a bullet.; March 6, 2014 at 12:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
I know we've discussed this topic here before and I found some really great text online that explains it beautifully, so I thought I'd share it here so that all of those beating themselves up for feeling this effect - can stop doing so. Because it's Mother Nature....it's NOT YOU.

This is my response to the topic of casual sex for women on another article here, and the portion that scientifically explains it...is VERY VALUABLE information ladies. Heed it's warnings:

"I don't advocate casual sex for women. And the reason is because women tend to fool themselves into thinking they can successfully navigate that terrain, but fail to understand that it's like shooting themselves in the foot - because when women have sex (physical contact) with men, their brain releases Oxytocin...and this creates an emotional bond for the woman. However, in men, physical contact releases a large jolt of testosterone, which has the exact OPPOSITE effect (i.e. men do not bond emotionally due to sex or physical contact.)

Here's a bit on that:

"Even cultural and political commentators have touted oxytocin's effects, arguing that the hormone makes no-strings-attached sex impossible, especially for women.. . The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women...In women, oxytocin is released. It's a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that's nature's way of saying, 'Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.' So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they're having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle."

When you have sex ladies, you're primally wired to bond - to raise children. However, as Mother Nature would have it, to continue populating the species, men are not wired the same. Instead, they are hard wired to procreate even MORE, and with a variety of women, so that the species genes to not become contaminated.

Bottom line ladies, when you have casual sex....you're setting yourself up to face a myriad of confusing emotions while watching the man experience great satisfaction with himself. It's not a situation to walk into lightly.

But you also need to understand that if you've done this and you're now experiencing that "bond" that won't seem to break....it's not YOU. It's Mother Nature at work.; March 8, 2014 at 10:56 AM
Gemini50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,

Thank you lady! (hugs); March 8, 2014 at 1:04 PM
JD said...: I definitely agree with the oxcytocin stuff. It's TRUE. I gave my virginity to my ex-husband so that bond was tolerable lol but when I slept with DM, it gave me CRAZY emotions. My relative mentioned it's good I didn't sleep with him anymore or else I might have caught feelings or fell in love with him. Or thought I was. I thought I might be able to handle it...nope. Now if you can shut those emotions off then more power to you. But I can't do it. In church, we also call this a "Soul Tie". Since you're sharing souls and bodily fluids as well as him leaving a "deposit" in you..it's like your souls are tied. So it's hard to forget him or stop thinking about him. Of course we believe they can be broken, but it's painful. It's like withdrawing from a drug you need. Why put yourself through that?

DM does still contact me once a week or so. Usually it's a text that asks how I'm doing "Hey babe..." and some comment about the weather where he is at. (boring). But I have not initiated at all.

MOA, is he still trying to keep me as a sexual option? LOL! He did explain to me that because of his crazy schedule he is not able to go out to places often. (2 jobs, take care of kids and extended family). And you mentioned he will only be able to do casual at best. It's been almost 2 months since I saw him and he only texts, and has not attempted to call even once. Before we had sex, he would try to call a couple of times a week and we would even skype a couple of times. BUT I do see that if it was serious, it would be done everyday.

After the last visit my eyes opened up and it made me realize I would be settling. I do believe in what he has said about his schedule, but that shouldn't be a reason that he can't communicate more frequently. So these past months I have been letting go. And through everything it has been painful. I wouldn't wish my experience upon anyone.

This is why, not only religiously speaking, but also culturally speaking, I've had very strong beliefs in long-term relationships and giving myself to marriage...reason why I waited so long as far as celibacy went.

So the next time, I'm making the man wait. And if he really cares and likes me that much, he will rise up to my standard. No more flowery words.; March 8, 2014 at 3:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, I hope you can help me.

I met a very good looking, successful guy on a night out at the end of Dec. For the next 3 weeks we saw each other consistently 2-3 times a week. Both of us were not looking for something serious when we met but it was going in that direction and he made a few comments to me that it felt good and right and we should see where it goes. He spoke about thinking about me while we were apart, and missing me and dying to see me again & that I took away his anxiety.

He just got out of a 7 year relationship in August but he reassured me I wasn't and said a number of times that open communication was the key and he wanted us to be honest. We did not sleep together but were intimate, and he would make plans for the next date on the date. A few red flags - he would not call or text between dates which were primarily at his place. On one date, I had texted him, joking but half serious, that I was concerned about the dates always being at his place and I would like to go out to the movies. His response was mature and comforting, but when I got to his place I felt like he was wounded, & he actually ate his dinner in front of me, only offering a cup of tea!

Then I noticed him pulling back, and for 3 weeks he did not initiate contact. I panicked and each week sent a text checking in to see how he was doing. Eventually, we arranged to meet for dinner on 13th Feb (night before valentines). The previous Monday he sent a text saying he wasn't sure how he felt about meeting up after 3 weeks of not seeing each other, but that he wanted to get together and 'figure out what's what'. We did meet for dinner and it was a great 5.5 hours (he did allow me to split the cheque which was another red flag). After dinner we talked for a further hour about whether to keep dating and see where it went, or to just finish things as 3 weeks was a long time to go without seeing each other if we felt strongly about each other, and the fact that we hadn't been able to find time to meet even briefly was not good. He said 'if things felt right, maybe timing wouldn't matter'. We decided to meet again on the next Saturday - at his place this time (another bad move on my part) for a movie date. This time things went further and we were ready to sleep together. However just at that moment he said he felt nervous, and guilty! Due to the fact that we were in his bed which his ex had shared for 2 years.

At the time I took this well, but as time went by after that night I realised how bad it had made me feel. We have intense chemistry, yet he couldn't bring himself to go all the way as his ex was on his mind??? He broke up with her and feels guilty about this, they are not in touch and he says he doesn't want to be with her. However, if he was focussed on me, would he feel this guilt?

After that night we again had a couple of weeks of sporadic contact by text and he was busy with family the 2 following weekends. Finally I suggested a date for last Wednesday. He called me to say he was busy but could we do Thursday instead. I decided to play it cool and say I wasn't available, but Friday would be good. Again he wasn't free due to family (his family of origin, he doesn't have children).

At this point I had had enough of the brush-off, so I told him (in a sweet and not angry way) to call me when things calm down for him, and rang off the call.

I have not heard from him in 11 days, and would love your thoughts on this. I will not contact him again unless he does first. Does this sound like a man with any genuine interest? Or was I a rebound? I am finding it hard to move on with all the uncertainty of whether he will be in touch or not.

Thanks MOA, really appreciate your reply :); March 8, 2014 at 7:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 8, 7:05 PM,
"On one date, I had texted him, joking but half serious, that I was concerned about the dates always being at his place and I would like to go out to the movies. His response was mature and comforting, but when I got to his place I felt like he was wounded, & he actually ate his dinner in front of me, only offering a cup of tea!"

That's emotional immaturity. Acting hurt and then acting out.

"We did meet for dinner and it was a great 5.5 hours (he did allow me to split the cheque which was another red flag)"

Not impressive - not impressive at all.

"at that moment he said he felt nervous, and guilty! Due to the fact that we were in his bed which his ex had shared for 2 years."

Then what the hell does he keep insisting these dates happen at his place for then? He's full of excuses dear and quite honestly, he's behaving in a bit of a pathetic manner. I'm not quite sure I'm buying the "I'm wounded" routine because he's not doing anything to help himself. Instead, it's almost like he enjoys wallowing in it.

"if he was focused on me, would he feel this guilt?"

I don't think this guy is ready to move on. I believe he's emotionally immature and he's wallowing in the feelings, using them as an excuse to move on.

"Does this sound like a man with any genuine interest?"

Interested or not, this man simply isn't ready, nor does he want a relationship :-(

"I am finding it hard to move on with all the uncertainty of whether he will be in touch or not."

I'm not sure why that's holding you back dear. You're behaving as if you're obligated and committed to this man when the reality is - you're NOT. As a result, you're free to move on. There are not commitments in place here and it's not wise to commit yourself to a man that isn't doing the same for you in return. If you do that, you set yourself up for a fall dear.

NEVER sit around and wait for a man to make a decision about you dear - EVER. Never hand over the power in a relationship like that to him, giving him the impression that YOUR decisions actually rely on HIS decisions.

When you do that, you're choosing to be "passive" about your future and about your dating life. You have free will and as such, you also have the freedom to be "proactive" about your own future dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

Walk away from this one. He's not ready and he's not willing to prove himself to you as a man. Even if you did date him, a man like this will disappoint you dear...because of his unwillingness to prove himself to you as a man - he'd let you down time and time again :-(; March 9, 2014 at 9:57 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA - you are wonderful, thank you for your feedback, it is not what I'd like to hear, but it will definitely help me to move on to a more deserving future :); March 9, 2014 at 4:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror (women in deep despair - just updating you on my previous posting from yesterday, which hasn’t been published yet)
There is more to say regarding the DR guy..
Well to be honest, I shouldnt have done but just wanted to test him on what he said about that I should text him once in a while.

So I sent him a text message (I don’t' usually), just a general one how was your weekend, and to also to tell him how tough my half marathon was that I did yesterday.

I thought he would have answered at least to ask what were my times and what he did the weekend, but low and behold I didn’t get an answer, (he has always answered me, not that I initiate textes to him much anyway). I assume now he has taken me off his list of women to contact now he has realised he will not be getting a one night stand with me.

I felt really sick to my stomach when he didnt answer.. and get fed up with modern men, I am in my 40s and I hate all this text messaging stuff the men do, just to try and hook up with women.

When I was younger in my 20s (before the mobile phone and facebook), men were so much respectful if they wanted to see you they had to call you, or make a date after another date.
Just as I started to forget this guy, it has opened my wounds again; March 10, 2014 at 5:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Good read gals - 5 Lies Your Ex Boyfriends Are Telling YOU:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kyle-ploof/2014/03/5-lies-your-ex-boyfriends-are-telling-you/

"I just want to be friends.”

This is the oldest, shittiest lie in the book that women fall for every…single…day. Ladies, do you really believe it? Do you honestly think in a guy’s mind he’s saying: “Yeah– that’s what I want! I want the girl I used to have sex with regularly around– just to hang out with! We can be best buds now! I just want her in my life as a dear, dear friend. Please, tell me about the new guy you’re banging!” NO! This is an easy ticket back into your life by getting you to physically hang out with us. Dinner? Drinks? What does it matter? We’re just friends! Yay!"

"These lies are completely based off ego and knowing that we can completely change a given circumstance– or make it hard for the new guy to have a successful relationship with our old girl. Even if we don’t get what we want (sex– derrr)– we can still be happy by causing a little ruckus and helping to build resentment in our old girl’s new relationship. It’s sick...It’s a complete and utter exploitation."

And there you have it...straight from the horses mouth ;-); March 11, 2014 at 2:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror (women in deep despair here).

You printed my second article but not this one, I don’t think I submitted this properly in the first place. So I have typed in all full, and was wondering if you had an opinion please.

I have written to you a couple of times, and you gave me the best of advice when the guy I was seeing for 5 “proper” dates disappeared without a trace (something I have never experienced before) and don’t want to experience again, I feel its vey damaging and I was heart broken for two months. Of course now I know it’s a very common thing.

I was dating him in Sept/Oct 2012, of course I slept with him on the second date, which was a big no, no, and I will never do this again, as I have learnt my lesson for sure. I have read all your articles and I see where I went wrong, and he never confirmed to me that we were boyfriend/girlfriend, but still wrong and disrespectful for someone to disappear without explaining themself.

Then 5 months later (after I had completely got him out of my mind) he reappeared in March 2013, last year and I had a date with him then, he was after sex. I said ‘no’ and went home alone. I heard from him several times after that and another date was arranged, but he turned me down on the day with an excuse that he wouldn’t be back home in time from his trip, and no date was rearranged.

So I left it at that, as knew he was half interested as you say, and his number was deleted.

Again, 4-5 months after in Sept/Nov last year 2013, I heard from him, he mentioned about meeting up, I said I was free a week or so after, he said ‘sounds good to me’, but didn’t hear anything after. And I wasn’t going to chase him for a date. I assume he was waiting for me to.

So again, I deleted his number and forgot about him and was feeling good about myself, taking up yoga classes and feeling positive.

Three weeks ago, (3 months later), he texted me again - I left it a day, then responded.

I couldn’t believe it.. But as you say in your articles then always seem to return DR men.

He said lets meet for a catch up, I said ok made him wait a week for the date, as I was “busy”, and told him when I was free, last Thursday. That’s a year since I met up with him.

Was nice to catch up etc. and he was very pleasant and great company (as usual), bought all the drinks. But again he was after sex I said ‘no’. He also asked why I didn’t text him once in a while. I said that is for you to do if you want to see me.
... to continue; March 12, 2014 at 9:11 AM
Anonymous said...: ..(women in deep despair cont.........)

The date then ended and he said ‘see you soon’ and to my disappointment no mention of another date.

I know I shouldn’t have done this but I thought I would text him to see how his weekend was (that was on Sunday) and report how I did in my half marathon, but he never answered (which he has never done before), he has always answered texts.

Why couldn’t he have been respectful to me and answer my text with a general answer, instead I am met with a wall of silence. It wouldn’t have hurt just to be respectful towards me and be a man. If he would have texted me I wouldn’t have ignored him or anyone in fact.

Do you think its because it was because he was p…… d that I won’t have sex with him? And cannot be bothered to communicate now as there is nothing in it for him?

Why does the universe send this unavailable man to test me, a man that I really like, that disappeared on me, contacts me once in a while, (I assume because there is no one else around) and plays games with me, I can’t stop thinking about him. In one way I think we are really alike and get on while, could that be it? But what lesson is he learning from this?

And always it is once you have forgotten them, they seem to sense it and contact and then all the upset comes back to me.

Exactly when I feel positive about myself – I have a date with him, which I enjoy and don’t want to end. I wanted him to respect me as a person for not having sex with him and treat me as a person and I end up being upset for his actions.

Of course I want him to arrange another date, but he doesn’t, so again I feel he plays on my mind and I after makes me feel so negative and down for a month or so, until I get my head together and he finally fades from my mind.

And I guess I would meet him again, if he asked, but I hate being hurt.. it just brings all the heart ache and sorrow back of being treated disrespectfully when he actually must know I am a good person and treat people respectfully.

I apologise if I have ranted on..; March 12, 2014 at 9:15 AM
Anonymous said...: Great article about exes. What is the best way to deal with our exes MOA? How can we know if a guy still have genuine feelings than the ones that just wanna use you?; March 12, 2014 at 2:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
You younger gals may not see the humor in this but the more "seasoned" gals here (such as myself) surely will, LOL. This is an "80's Awareness" ad from Kevin Bacon and in the beginning of the ad, he addresses modern dating versus dating some 20+ years ago and the difference technology has made. He also addresses the short attention span of the Millennial generation.

This is going to seriously date me here, LOL, but I can totally relate to the beginning lines of the ad regarding what it was like to ask a girl out back then and I know you more seasoned gals will identify with that as well:

http://youtu.be/09q04Dlh7r8; March 12, 2014 at 4:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Women in Deep Despair,
"Do you think its because it was because he was p…… d that I won’t have sex with him? And cannot be bothered to communicate now as there is nothing in it for him?"

I don't think he was pissed, but I do think he's attempting to use you and realizes you're not going to let that happen. And you should NOT be sad over that...you dodged a bullet successfully there dear, and that's what holding out and making a man prove himself to you first can do - save you lots of heartache.

He's seeking casual sex - not a relationship. He wants to "hookup" from time to time, nothing more.

"Why does the universe send this unavailable man to test me"

To see if you've grown from past mistakes dear - no one is spared from that in life ya' know? It's those setbacks that actually propel us forward :-)

"But what lesson is he learning from this?"

That not all women are naive little girls that don't value themselves. He's learning that there are women out there who won't settle for what little he's offering :-)

"And always it is once you have forgotten them, they seem to sense it and contact and then all the upset comes back to me."

That's when you have to think of YOURSELF dear and NOT the man. Seeing these guys again opens old wounds that aren't really worth being torn open ya' know?

Okay now wait a second here dear...this is where the universe is trying to TEACH you, and you're not absorbing the lesson. Bear with me here a sec and look at what you wrote:

"... he plays on my mind and after makes me feel so negative and down for a month or so, until I get my head together and he finally fades from my mind...I hate being hurt.. it just brings all the heart ache and sorrow back of being treated disrespectfully when he actually must know I am a good person and treat people respectfully."

"I want him to arrange another date...I guess I would meet him again"

So now, if YOU CHOOSE to see him AGAIN...who will you blame for the hurt and drastic setback you experience afterwards?

And if you want to AVOID feeling that way about yourself....what do you think the way to avoid that is?

The answer to the first question dear is...you can't blame HIM at that point. You have to take responsibility for your own actions and happiness and be accountable for it, ya' know? It's not his fault if YOU keep deciding to see him, ya' know?

And the answer to the second question dear....is to not see him again. Get what I'm saying?

Think of YOURSELF here dear - not him. He's proving to you right now that he's not the glorified version of the man you think he is. He's just another guy seeking a hookup. Nothing special. So don't build him up in your mind to be something that he's not, ya' know? If you do that, you're torturing yourself.

Focus on the REALITY here - and not the FANTASY version in your mind. Focus on WHAT IS - and not WHAT COULD BE (because that doesn't exist).; March 12, 2014 at 5:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 12, 2:23 PM,
"How can we know if a guy still have genuine feelings than the ones that just wanna use you?"

You make them PROVE themselves to you first when they return. You don't jump on their calls, you don't contact them...you make THEM WORK AT contacting YOU - repeatedly. And you make it hard on them purposefully. The one's that are seeking sex will drop like flies. They won't work at it.

And you ignore every single bit of their flowery speech and words...and you focus on NOTHING but their ACTIONS. Does he call? If you don't answer, does he try harder? Does he invite you out on real dates, or does he want you to hang out on his exciting sofa all night? Is he willing to wait for sex, or does he act like a 4 year old when he doesn't get his way? Is he willing to go at your pace, or does he try to race you into the bedroom? Does he care and ask about you and your needs, or does he focus on his needs and himself all the time? Is he compassionate, or does he make everything about himself somehow?

All it takes it a bit of self-discipline, self-control, patience...and holding out. The lazy cons with nothing to offer reveal themselves early on and the good guys....they hang in there, fully prepared to do what they have to do.

When an ex or a disappearing man returns...as much as I hate to say this, you've got to put them through the wringer. Meaning, give them a difficult time.

Back in the day, wringers pressed the water out of clothing. Think of a disappearing man or returning ex in the same manner....your wringer is pressing the bullsh*t out of the man....iron him out. Or risk being hurt a second time.; March 12, 2014 at 5:14 PM
Gemini50 said...: To all the ladies,
I've been feeling the desperation written in many of the posts lately. I've been struggling too -- it's coming up on the familiar 3 month timeframe of the past year and a half, where either Scorpio or I tap each other, and I'm anxious. I am fighting the urge, I am determined to move on, but at times I also feel weak and lonely and I miss him and I want him to be the man I first knew, not the man who popped in and out of my life with no consideration for me.

Friday I rented the Dallas Buyers Club and Ron reminded me of Scorpio. To a T. I cried. And called out to the universe for help, asking for a sign that I wasn't alone, calling upon my father (who's passed) for strength, looking for confirmation that I was going to be ok, that I'm doing the right thing, and looking for hope that I will get over Scorpio's time in my life and be able to move on.

I went to a calendar block that I have. When the day is done, you flip the page over and put it in the back of the pile for the second half of the year. When I turned March 9 over, it was Oct 28, my father's birthday. (It makes no sense why Oct 28 would be the back of March 9, but there was my sign.)

Because I've been sick with a horrible cold, I needed to lay low this weekend. I watched the movie 5 times between Friday-Sunday (I have never done that before.) I did a little research on the web for Ron Woodroof. The real Ron didn't remind me so much of Scorpio as did Matthew McConaughey in the role. I wondered what was Ron's birth date, couldn't find it. Only 1950. Then I looked up McConaughey's birth date, he's a Scorpio - one day after Scorpio (4 yrs younger). No surprise in the day because it was McConaughey's portrayal of Woodroof that struck me, and doing a bit of research, the film was a loose interpretation of Woodroof's personal behaviors while telling his story of trying to get medication for himself and others.

I was in a very bad emotional state. Finally, I called upon my Angels for help. I don't know who they are; I don't know their names; but I knew I needed help, so I asked and have continued to ask the past three days. I'm still struggling, I'm still here reading daily, being reminded of my value via Ms. Mirror's wisdom, and calling on the Angels has helped.

Sometimes life is hard, and is when we want to fall back into what is familiar -- even if it is temporary comfort that we know will lead to pain. But don't do it ladies! Do whatever it takes to take care of yourselves and your future first. Ms. Mirror has said many times that we need to walk through the fire and make the right choices with the tests put in front of us before a lesson is finally learned.

It's hard. It sucks. But believe in your self and your strength, and keep coming back to read and to remind yourself that you deserve to be treated wonderfully by a man, not treated like a disposable object.

You are not disposable. You are a wonderful soul. Don't ever forget that.; March 12, 2014 at 8:26 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm the anonymous poster from March 4 @ 6:07pm...
Taurus guy coming into my world online within venus in capricorn retrograde...
HE'S MARRIED. Finally got up the courage to google him and wasn't hard to find. Says he has no kids. Um, YES he does.
Nearly ruined me emotionally....wasted time, wasted effing time waiting for him to call me, thinking he is stalking me, which now that I think about it, maybe he is (in order to cheat).; March 12, 2014 at 8:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

Quick question about psychics. I met a guy online and was talking to him for a few months so I decided I should go see a psychic (Well respected one in the region). Well during the reading she guessed his birthday, his initials and described him to a T. My friend told me that she probably was able to read my mind so that is how she was able to get all this information - I do think about him a lot LOL. What are your thoughts on that?; March 13, 2014 at 8:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror (Women in deep despair here).

Thank you for taking the time to reply with you valuable advice.

You have helped me and so many ladies out there. Ever since I came across your website 1½ years ago, wondering why a man disappeared on me, your advice has helped me out soooo much.

Applying the “no contact” rule which does work, and of course no to “casual sex”, until a man proves himself.

I am so glad that I said "no" (to casual sex) both twice now for the two dates (after he disappeared on me). For that small amount of pleasure, (with someone that actually doesn’t really care about me) I would have suffered too much pain.

I DON'T want a man that walks away in the morning, without a care in the world and a smile on his face, and for me to be hurting in pain for months, wondering where I went wrong, chipping away at my confidence, whilst giving him more confidence.

A couple of years ago I would have made that mistake, but with your advice I am stronger and will continue to be so day by day.

You are a diamond. Keep up the good work and once again thank you x; March 13, 2014 at 9:33 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA. Thanks so much for posting your blogs and being a help to all us women who's going through a tough time trying to move on from Mr Wrong. All of your blogs, especially this one, in short just pretty much says you have to stop acting like you give a f***. When it comes down to it, MEN, not BOYS but MEN, is going to want to be with the woman who they actually had to work for and win over. I know it's easier said than done because as women we are givers and think that if we just continue to give to a man who is un-worthy of our time that's going to make them want us and be with us. THAT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE AND IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!! If a man really wants to be with you he would, no excuses, no bs. The sooner us women can grasp that concept and drill it in to our brains, the better off we will be. Unfortantely, us women tend to use our heart instead of our brain when making decisions about men and let me say that following your heart is NOT THE WAY TO GO. Following your heart means you are thinking with your emotions and feelings, and they tend to mostly, if not ALWAYS misguide you. Instead think with your brain and use logic and common sense. Those are the tools necessary to help you see that the man your dealing with is a grade-a dirtbag who doesn't deserve not 1 ounce of your time. Men don't want an emotional woman. They want a care free, independent woman who isn't going to make him their whole world. Immature boys want that, but once they grow up, mentally not physically, they will see that they want that woman that can stand on her own and doesn't need him in her life or else she'll die lol. So ladies, if you know you are a good woman with a lot to bring to the table, drill it in your mind that you deserve to be someone's girlfriend and eventually someone's wife, not someone's booty call, side chick, or friend with benefits. Stop giving a f***, live your life and the right man will come along, and when, not if but when because there's someone for everyone, make him work for the goodies ;-) Take care you all.

Lena <3; March 13, 2014 at 2:10 PM
WomenPower said...: Dear Gemini50,

I wish you could heal from your scorpio stings circulating still in your body. To liberate yourself from him definitely, I would suggest you to buy a little plastic scorpio in a toy shop, as a symbol of him.
Observe him: look at his venom tailI he has decided to show you so proudly. His venom is toxic to you and he is not even hiding it. Still missing him?
Imagine if he would have returned to your life tomorrow by mistake how unhappy and sick of him would you be again. Now you are almost over it, you are already fareway from that pain the scorpio has caused you. Think about it and put your plastic scorpio to a box and throw away into a river or a sea... Wish him all the best and liberate yourself from his toxicity forever...

Maybe you will find some strength listening the healing meditation with binaural sounds on Youtube:

Hypnotherapy for Happiness:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veETG-PczWk

Wish you a quick recovery from your cold and that scorpio stings! Imagine yourself next year, in the springtime 2015... You will have only some grey memories about this post-scorpio period; it's a temporary cloud in the infinite blue sky.

Some success story to share: my ex-colleague in her early 50-ties divorced from an alcoholic husband, with two daughters met a widow also with two daughters. It has been now for 4 years they're together and they have a great relationship; they're all happy. Life always brings us some nice surprises, sooner or later :); March 13, 2014 at 6:26 PM
JD said...: MOA would you say the way a man is handling the direction in where he's showing you where he wants to go with it, is the way he is leading?

I was talking to my friend who is much older (and wiser) that if I don't like the way a guy is leading, I should just move on. For example if he's only texting once a week or so and stops calling, I should move on. She also says that you shouldn't have to explain.

Sometimes I would get texts from that DM and he would say something about the weather. In my mind I'm telling myself that's so weak! I'm like really,you can't CALL? But is that his way of trying to keep me on the hook for sex in the future? (Not happening though). I shared with you about what he says about his work schedule, but if a man really wanted a woman in his life, wouldn't he make her a part of it despite his schedule? I mean Donald Trump did.

I will say he has tried to explain himself and saying the next time I visit if I want to see him he will try his best to make it happen where we actually go out together. He said with his crazy schedule it's the only reason why he
Doesn't go places often. So I'm like if that's true, then that means everytime I visit if I choose to see you, I have to go over your place after his night job or he goes to my hotel room?

I know you all stated that the DM maybe intended not to make it look like a bootycall, but with what has happened if that continued that's what it would start looking like, an out of town bootycall/hookup no matter how I look at it.

Anyhow I've been busy with my fitness. I even started CrossFit! It's been going ok. Just trying to get rid of the "extra" in my midsection lol. It's helped trying to take my mind off what has happened. Ladies don't do the casual sex stuff. Please becareful in who you're choosing to sleep with. It really does take a part of your soul & I really can't do it to myself again. Just like some of you have stated, I don't think he realizes how much my celibacy meant to me. I abstained from sex for more than 6 yrs...and for what.

Sometimes I want to tell him, but it's best to just drop off their radar and move on. Bc if you keep holding on, then you might be missing out on The One, right?

But how do you let go of this person in your heart & mind? And in the future, if a guy is not leading the way you like, do you just smile and stay friendly when they do seek you out?

A guy friend told me to remain friendly & flirty but don't mention a relationship. Bc in that way you want him to drop his guard and for him to come out with the truth, whether you like it or not. At least it's the truth.

If that DM ever wanted to talk, should I explain to him how now I see the importance for me to wait & go back to celibacy bc experience has shown me it hasn't been worth it? and I feel it's something my husband deserves to have?; March 13, 2014 at 7:26 PM
Heidi said...: Mirror,
LOVE the 80s Awareness video clip with Kevin Bacon! Thanks for sharing !!!; March 13, 2014 at 8:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"if he's only texting once a week or so and stops calling, I should move on. She also says that you shouldn't have to explain."

Exactly. If a man is showing you what he's got to offer, and it ends up being very little, then you need to gracefully decline and move on. Why? Because you can't control others, you can only control your reaction to them. No matter what you do, if you want more communication, a man may amp it up for a week or so, then it's right back to normal. So you're better off just accepting the reality early on, rather than letting yourself become attached...only to then be forced to deal with it anyway, later on down the line when it's more painful.

"is that his way of trying to keep me on the hook for sex in the future?"

More or less, it's his way of keeping things "casual" and leaving his options open.

"saying the next time I visit if I want to see him he will try his best to make it happen where we actually go out together"

He's a DM. You should NOT be going anywhere to see him, HE should be coming to see YOU if he's serious.

"should I explain to him how now I see the importance for me to wait & go back to celibacy bc experience has shown me it hasn't been worth it?"

I wouldn't bother explaining myself at all. Most likely, he's not going to be able to relate to something like that and in the end, it probably wouldn't change anything anyway :-(; March 14, 2014 at 8:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

@Gemini50
I am sorry to learn that Scorpio is worrying you again. As I have a bad sore throat right now, an analogy has come to my mind - the throat is painful in waves, it hurts for a few minutes and then the pain loses its intensity for a while, then it hurts again, etc. The same happens to you, so tell yourself that you will bear the pain for a while and it will certainly become weaker soon... And with each wave the intensity of the pain will diminish...

I have two pieces of news: One regards the player who brought me here. He reappeared again - he phoned me to ask how I am and if I would like to go cycling with him. We used to go on long bike rides and the conversations were very good. When I am not with him, I think I am over him. I feel tempted to go cycling with him because - you won´t believe this - I haven´t been able to find even a cycling companion on the dating site. However, I was hurt by him, so I am very, very hesitant about accepting his invitation. Needless to say, he sounded very polite, respectful... In comparison with other men, however, he had one good point - he asked me out and dated me. Because many men just correspond, it´s so annoying.

Another piece of news will make you laughh. I have been corresponding with a new man for a while, very brief e-mails, the communication is not very interesting, no photos or phone numbers exchange. Suddenly, he writes to me: "I´d like to ask you out. Spring is beginning and I would like to pick up some herbs - I don´t remember its English name, it isn´t important anyway - take a paper bag and join me, I´ll be at xxx place at 2 p.m. on Saturday."
Well, a perfect invitation for an exciting first date, isn´t it?

I wish you all a nice and peaceful weekend,
HopefulWithMen; March 14, 2014 at 3:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Hiya Mirror,

I love the article, very true.

I wanted to ask your advice if I may, with a situation I have on right now. Man has disappeared. He is 42 Sag, I’m a 40 year old earth sign.

Man pursues me, asks me to be exclusive pretty quickly, just before date 3 I think, says he wants our next date to be as his girlfriend, not as his date, phones me to talk every single night mostly on Skype calls and we had a lovely time chatting and laughing and talking about our lives, I didn’t want to initially talk every night on there but he said he loved them and couldn’t wait to get home to call me on there (he lives 50 miles away and has his kids 3 nights a week) sends me flowers after date 2 for Valentines, asks me to be his girlfriend, my TV breaks and he buys me one online and gets it delivered to my house, helps with some work I was doing, paid for every meal and drink and arranged all dates, initiated all contact (except a couple of cute texts from me), says he is falling for me and is hooked --- all this without even having gone past a passionate kiss, holding hands and a few hugs. We laughed a lot. It was nice. Felt natural and comfortable and right how easy we got on.

I could tell his passion to win me over in his enthusiasm, understanding and support of me.

I’ll go further with what he said to me: I’ll never let you down, you’ve got me hooked, you’re the love of my life, everyone at work has seen how much happier I am now after the shit I’ve been through (separating from his wife last year), (then he would repeat conversations to me that his female work colleagues had asked him about me and us), I want to do things right, I wish I’d met you 15 years ago, I should have gone with someone like you before (both he and I seem more of a match on paper than he and his separated wife) I’m not his first kiss since he separated last August but probably his first relationship. He has since bought a new house and moved into it.

He asked me twice if I wanted to marry. I answered it very carefully with a: if I meet the right man yes. He then said: Children? I said: Maybe

He said, I said I wouldn’t marry again but I will do anything for you.

Continued; March 14, 2014 at 5:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Then our first romantic weekend together, as he called it, at his house, it all went wrong after. Because, well, firstly he couldn't do enough for me on the weekend. He cooked, got me clean towels, ran me a bath, breakfast in bed, took me out for late lunch to a restaurant on Saturday and Sunday, bought me chocolates, drove 15 miles to get me some ear plugs as he snores...I mean, he really couldn't do enough. He is very domesticated and I admire how he does it all. Holding down a great professional job too.

And to be honest, after a few drinks, he also told me: I love you… (I know, too early)

We agreed we would sleep in separate bedrooms at his house, but, as the last few Skype calls nearer the date I was in bed talking to him in my nightie as I was shattered, he then went to bed in two of them and I saw him in his t-shirt which he’d put on, then he took it off as he got hot, and as soon as I saw his top half of his body and we were talking in bed, I started to be more sexually attracted to him and actually wanted to go to sleep in the same bed as him the following weekend at his place.

So this weekend was date 5. We are now also in week 5 of me knowing him. Anyway we had a couple of emotional tiffs due to me misunderstanding what he meant (I later decided to ask him : What do you mean? To clarify).

Anyway, Monday I leave his place on the train together we go into the City. Then that night he texted me a beautiful message and then phoned me one hour later.

But I had taken two sleeping pills and was fast asleep. I did not respond for 24 hours. I was also peeved with him as on the train I’d said we should assume all our weekends are together when you’re not with your children.

Continued...; March 14, 2014 at 5:45 PM
Anonymous said...: That night, I thought, what on EARTH did I say that for?! (I know why it’s cos he sees his kids a few nights a week on the nights I’d like to go out and he changes the Saturday nights to be alternate with the kids, and alternate on Sundays too). So when I got in touch 24 hours later, I mentioned I didn’t mean it and had no idea why I had said it.

Anyway, he told me, on the phone, he is annoyed with me that I never responded to his text and call and he had wondered what he’d done to me and that I was annoyed with him about something he must have thought.

I told him no! and tried to reassure him and said I was sorry but I didn’t mention the weekend thing and he said it felt weird now.

Then the next night for the first time ever, he never contacts me. He never said he would. So I never said anything but I thought: oh hello, he is paying me back for the pain I caused him. I over compensated my niceness to him on that Tuesday in a way.

Then Thursday he calls me, it was fine. He asked if I was around tomorrow and could he call me. I said yes. So Friday night no call, but this time he had said he would and after a call nightly for five weeks it felt odd so I called him. No answer to my call or the text I sent.

He was with his kids.

Next morning he texts me at 8.30am with a really sweet text saying he had gone to his parents for their usual Friday night dinner and slept over this time with the kids.

I asked why he didn’t text me that he couldn’t speak. He said as he had only got my messages this morning. Then he sent another saying he was sorry, that he should have texted.

Continued....; March 14, 2014 at 5:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Now he and I never have these kind of conversations on texts and I only did as he was with his kids. All we text are sweet texts, not conversations. So now it was getting bad as I said yes you should have! And that I was thinking he could not be over Monday yet given I’d not heard from him on Wednesday or Friday and that I had high standards in a relationship and too much respect for him to do the same to him.

I was meaning high standards that if he says he is gonna call to do so, as he has always called me like a routine.

Anyway, that went down badly. He didn’t answer that text that I sent at 2pm and now we’re onto yet another night of no call (third one) and the next day I apologised on a text short and sweet. He replied immediately saying he had thought about what I’d said and could he call me that night when the kids were in bed. This was the first text he had ever sent me with no ‘hello my gorgeous’ or something nice, just ‘hiya’.

That night I speak to a male friend who says he will have been in pain wondering about his masculinity given his separated wife is now a lesbian.

He calls. We talk. I am being too nice possibly yet give some direct talk about wtf has happened to us. He says how lovely it is to see me again on Skype and was nice. Asks if we can start afresh. Starts saying out loud whether he is ready for a relationship yet. That is all down to him, his fault not mine. He says he still means every word he has ever said to me though still. He said he can’t imagine his life without me in it. I responded: “no, not on all counts can I be in it”, “right” he said.

Whereas I know some was down to me, by my reaching out and not going silent.
As that way I’d have regained my power. He says can it be natural again that he doesn’t know if he wants to call every day as standard and can’t imagine being with me ALL the time further to what I’d said about all our weekends being together (he’d been chewing on that ALL week).

Then Monday I wake up sad and unhappy. I was pissed off that he had chewed on the weekend thing I said, despite my saying, I’d talked rubbish and sometimes occasionally once a month in work and personal life I say something I don’t’ mean and when he gets to know me more, he’ll see that, and that I called him the next day to explain that I didn’t mean it, even though he had agreed with me at the time so why would I make a point of setting him straight if I was lying.

I want to take it slow, he said (again, which he has said from day one.

He asks me what I want. I said I want my best friend back. He said, me too.
Then I said, would you like a hug now? He said: yeaah! I said me too, maybe one day soon I hope to give you a big hug, he said, you will, I promise.

(I said it and thought drat, I’ve laid my cards on the table there! Better just had said: big hug…as it shows I was OK with him walking away like I am here waiting).

(meaning each other). He asked if he could have a couple of days to get himself together (or something like that), and I said yes ok. He said I don’t want to say I’ll call you tomorrow and don’t. It’s now day 4 and nothing.

Is this over Mirror? Shall I just move on silently with dignity? I’ve not contacted him nor will I. Or can it be salvaged? What shall I do if he gets in touch, follow the advice in your article? Not answer for days? Maybe he is too needy and emotionally unstable and whilst I see my errors loud and clear now, it’s OTT now….surely no man so in love could be so turned off now, for good. Wonder if he will reappear, what do you feel that he will or won’t? Will absence make the heart grow fonder? Can I ever get my power back with this relationship, or shall I walk away for good. I can’t decide. Today for the first time I am starting to miss him though and realise what I’ve lost, what we’ve lost from before. Wonder if he will come back soon, or well into the future in like a few months when he’s more sorted. Or have I turned him off for good.

Continued...; March 14, 2014 at 5:46 PM
Anonymous said...: I’ve learned a lot about myself in this. And about him. I was happier with him, than without him. But I know I can move on if I have to. I can look back that it was lovely for all of it, and eventually this past awful week will fade away. That’s what you call a dignified ending. No idea if he will reappear.

Thank you for reading my rather long story, if you’re still reading it now ☺.

With love and light,
C

The end.; March 14, 2014 at 5:46 PM
Anonymous said...: P.S. I wonder if he is too emotionally unstable to not get through this and it's really mostly not my fault for the main part. Or I am just the Rebound Girl Fling. Or whether I am the Rebound Girl and he's gone quiet on me to get himself together more first. Or he's changed his mind and is turned off too (I was a little too with us not getting back on track quickly you see). Or he just hasn't decided yet.

C; March 14, 2014 at 5:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Sorry, me again, I forget to say a bit more about our last chat on the phone.

He told me a girl at work had asked how his love life was with me and he said he said:
Him: I think I've fucked it up
Her: Why, what's up with her?
Him: Nothing. She's beautiful, fun and intelligent
Her: You sound like you're not ready for a relationship

He told me that conversation! He also said 'sorry for this'. I said: yeah it wasn't the post romantic weekend week I'd thought it may have been.

I asked him if he felt better talking to me about it and he said yes.

I asked him if he would still date me if I dated anyone else, and he answered no. As he doesn't do that and it's not his thing.

Then we end it with that hug bit above.

4 days. 4 days. He's gone for good isn't he.

I've left a piece of expensive clothing at his but I will not contact him for it. I don't care about it. He may wonder. Given I initiated contacted for a couple of times for the first time the other week, he may be expecting me to contact him. But no.

I should probably put my online profile back up again in a few days if I have not heard from him. He took his down pretty quickly after meeting me.

What a shame I've been duped in a way.

Thanks for reading my story.

C; March 14, 2014 at 6:06 PM
Anonymous said...: and that he got 'freaked out' with the weekend comment I gave him. Hence why I got annoyed with him on Monday, given I told him immediately I hadn't meant the weekends together all the time thing.

Maybe he is emotionally unstable and just changed his mind about me deciding he wasn't over his ex and I'm not worth 'any agro'. He did tell me also that he had not spent a weekend together with anyone since forever too.... (So I expect it brought out emotions in him - his ex was with him 12 years. Maybe he and I should have just done one night for the first time not two nights. Oh well., easy to say that now)

Not nice of him to just leave things like this.

Anyway, my apologies for all the different emails I posted here that have mounted up but I thank you for reading them ever so much.

C; March 14, 2014 at 6:25 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ WomanPower and Hopeful,

Thank you for your encouragement, I appreciate it. I just might try your suggestion WP. If I come across a Scorpian figurine, I’ll get it.

What I’ve been telling myself the past couple days is that I just got mixed up with the wrong person. It happens. Also, I’ve been trying to think what lesson I was to learn from it. Included in the answer is: It brought me here, to Ms. Mirror’s site which has brought me knowledge and respect for my ‘self’ that I’ve never practiced or known before. Also, through this site, I’ve become more attune to my spiritual side – still baby steps with awareness, but I see more.

I will openly share my joys and pains here because I believe in the strength of many. Our diversity is like threads of a garment: separate yet intertwined, each bringing our own weaknesses and strengths.

I lived my life ashamed of SO MUCH, I rid a lot of it in an ACOA support group in my 30’s simply by speaking the truth. It was an experience I don’t completely understand, but by no longer hiding other people’s behavior, and talking about it instead, in public, to complete strangers, released me from the shame I carried throughout my life until then.

How do you tell someone that when you were 6 or 7 on a beautiful summer day when you came home from school, your mother met you outside, leaned down, got in your face and said, “If you think you are going to come between me and my husband, you are wrong,” speaking of your father.

I still remember the shock like it happened today. I remember thinking (at that age) “What is going on?” “What did I do?” “What is wrong with THIS woman?” I loved my dad, and he was wonderful to me as a child – but now I knew, at fucking 6 years old, because my mother told me, that I was a threat and a bad person, and I was ashamed of who I was.

How fucked up is that??? How can a mother treat her daughter like that? I didn’t understand, so I absorbed it and lived with shame. Sharing that (and more) to a group of strangers released me from so much shame. Receiving confirmation from regular people (not from a therapist (because my sensibility told me that therapists are paid to say the words)) that I didn’t own it; she did, was healing.

And I think that is the same type of healing that happens here. We make mistakes, we fall for axxholes, we don’t trust our gut. Hell, we either were never taught to respect ourselves (truly) or we ignored the work it takes to take care of ourselves for the sake of easy gratification. Yet it is here that we have come, to admit our mistakes, ask for guidance and sometimes get a good kick in the axx when we need it.

Yes, I believe in tough love, tough love with respect, and I think that is what Ms. Mirror offers here.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, I can only keep trying to be better at today and say thank you.

Hugs to all! xo; March 14, 2014 at 7:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, I just can't seem to snap out of it. A DM I was involved with for two years dumped me for a much younger woman without so much as a conversation. He would not take me on real dates, but is pulling out all the stops for her. So the whole time I knew him, he did know how to treat a woman well and commit. He simply wasn't doing so with me. It is so hard to find someone...and this jerk, after treating me so badly, found what he was looking for. I'm trying to keep some hope that I will find love.; March 14, 2014 at 9:01 PM
chk61 said...: @Gemini50

"Sometimes life is hard, and is when we want to fall back into what is familiar -- even if it is temporary comfort that we know will lead to pain. "

Yep, know this feeling well. Even though I continually remind myself that my D.M. disappeared (again) 5 months ago and if he cared for me, he would have gotten in touch, I still feel the urge at times to break the ice. Which is an interesting phrase, because there really isn't any ice to break. It's not like I told him I never wanted to speak with him again. I just chose to not respond to his last email after he quickly replaced me with someone else when I did not respond to his invitation within his allotted time frame. This after no word from him in the prior month.

So I've had two dates with another guy who is "into" me. I don't feel it....he's a nice person and a gentleman but I don't think about him much and this concerns me, especially after date two. That I came home from the date and was not at all excited or looking forward to seeing him again.

Yesterday I felt tempted to contact D.M. (who I can still see on the dating site) and instead called a girlfriend who wisely told me not to. With spring in the air, I still feel the urge even though I am well aware that it won't lead to anything except possible heartache for me. And the heartache is not for him specifically, because he treated me rather badly, but the heartache is for the idea of what he COULD have been...if things had worked out. But of course, they did not work out.

@Hopeful - that is a good analogy, thanks. And your "player" keeps popping up...if enough time has passed, I would consider meeting him and just not having any expectations, and certainly avoid anything physical. I have made friends with a few old boyfriends or dates that haven't worked out, after a reasonable period of time has passed. It is usually after I've lost any romantic feelings for them though.

As for gathering herbs, well, you have to give the guy credit for being original! ;-); March 15, 2014 at 8:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @C,
"he is too needy and emotionally unstable"

He definitely is dear, only with this man, I don't think it stems from ego, I believe it stems from hurt. And to overcompensate for that pain, he became rather co-dependent - very early and very fast. Too fast, which is somewhat of a red flag. Because when he came on hard and fast like that very early on and wanted the relationship ASAP - it's like he was attempting to fill a void. And there's something about men moving too fast in that...when that happens, they're gone just as quickly :-(

On average, men take about 4 months to fall in love. When a man is telling you he loves you after the 3rd date, that's a red flag dear because no one can truly know you inside and out and truly love you, flaws and all, in that incredibly short time frame :-( So while I think he was very fond of you, I also think he was "in love with the idea of being in love" and was seeking to fill a void.

"Surely no man so in love could be so turned off now, for good"

That's the thing though dear...I think he was in love with the "idea" of being in love. I'm not necessarily convinced he was truly in love here though. He may have thought he was, but in the end, he was easily able to walk away, which signals that those feelings could not have been genuine and must've been said in haste stemming from a desire to be in a relationship again so that he can cease experiencing the pain he's probably experiencing from the breakup with his wife.

Some people do this dear - nice people. They're called "escapists." When they're in pain, they rip and race around at full speed, hurdling themselves head first into new relationships all the time....so that they're not alone and forced to actually experience the hurt and pain they're suffering from the last relationship. They run, run, run....away from the pain (escape it) and fling themselves into new relationships without thinking just to escape what they're feeling.

"it's really mostly not my fault for the main part."

It's really not dear. You're dealing with an emotionally damaged individual here at the moment - him - and he's actually suffering pain (although I don't even think he realizes it) and he's "acting out" on that pain now. You can only run so far and pretend so much. Eventually, the pain will manifest itself in other ways and right now, he's acting out on it and I don't think he even knows what he's feeling. His indecisiveness, his lightening fast moves racing this along, his total flip flop...it all signals emotional upheaval dear. It signals that he's been on the run from it, pretending as it nothing is wrong, but it's now catching up to him and he's acting it out.

"Her: You sound like you're not ready for a relationship"

I agree with her 100%....he's not ready.

"What a shame I've been duped in a way."

I don't believe this man did this purposefully. I think he needs to properly grieve his loss of his relationship with his wife and work out the remaining issues from that first before he can love anyone else. I think he was trying to move on by racing into something else, but that backfired as it always does, and those feelings he was trying to escape caught up with him anyway.

Don't contact this man. Give him space and time. If you do that, he may reappear in a month or two. In the meantime, get back online and begin dating other men. Don't sit around and wait for this man, keep moving forward in your life because this guys got months and months of emotional work to do on himself. Move forward and date others and when he's ready, he knows where to find you :-); March 15, 2014 at 9:09 AM

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