Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini,
"How fucked up is that??? How can a mother treat her daughter like that?"

Undiagnosed mental illness, competitiveness and misplaced resentment...I know a woman who went through the same EXACT type of childhood with her mother dear. And it has proved to be an obstacle to relationships for her. In her case however, she fears commitment to others as a result - and simply won't do it - for fear that once she's done it, that other person now has the ability to hurt her to the core and trigger all of those emotions from the past, particularly that of abandonment :-(

"I didn’t own it; she did"

Absolutely dear. All that she was experiencing, she was projecting onto you - but it wasn't yours.

"Yes, I believe in tough love, tough love with respect, and I think that is what Ms. Mirror offers here."

Thank you dear. And please realize, all of you ladies, that the tough conversations I have here with you...I've had with MYSELF FIRST. I've had to experience this myself in order to grow and gain the insights that I now share with all of you. If I had not had the experience of my own journey, I would not be able to speak on these topics here in a genuine, blatently honest, authentic manner. So know that the way I speak with you gals, is the way I also speak to myself in my own subconscious...firmly and without wavering, setting my emotions aside and using common sense to make my decisions.

And that's really what it's about, what all of this we speak of here is about....learning how to separate yourself from your emotions so that you can use your skills of common sense and good judgment to make your decisions. Where do you think that old phrase, "Love is blind" came from? It's because love is an emotion and yes, your emotions are blind to the realities of common sense. Love is a state of mind, and when you're in that state of mind, it's over-riding common sense. It's really that simple in the end.

I've said this you before Gem, but don't be ashamed of who you are and what you've experienced. . .because those experiences can become the gift that you share with others and the world in some manner. Much like what I do here. I had a choice, just like all of you do. I could've chose to wear my experiences and mistakes like a badge of shame, hanging my head low and absorbing poor treatment from others under the guise that "I deserved it" because "I don't deserve to be loved." My other choice was to take lemons and turn them into lemonade. To take my experiences, pull the positive from them and then take those lessons learned, embrace them, and share them with others.

And I, like all of you, am still on my own journey here, walking and working my way through it daily. I dont't have all of lifes answers...but I am better prepared to make common sense judgments and decisions about them. I've learned the skills necessary to do that. Things like self-control, self-discipline, coping skills, separating myself from my emotions.

Cont...; March 15, 2014 at 9:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Everyone always looking for the answers outside of themselves, in their external environment. But the amazing thing is...the answer lies within YOURSELF. You won't find it out there - it all starts with you. And once you learn self-control, self-discipline, coping skills and how to properly acknowledge your emotions, yet set them aside when it's time to make a good decision for yourself....you world becomes an entirely new experience. One that's full of possibilities that you no longer fear, but embrace, and then use to your advantage as each experience can make you stronger. And then once you become stronger, once you start to make better decisions for yourself...you no longer feel lost and confused and out of control. Everything crystalizes and becomes clear - and it is YOU that is in the drivers seat of your own life, and it is YOU making good decisions for yourself and it is YOU...that is no longer fearful of the world or those curve balls that life is always throwing at us.

Once you get "right" with YOU - you become right with the world, with your external experiences. And when they're thrown at you, you know exactly what to do and you have confidence in yourself that you'll properly protect yourself - you don't need anyone else to do that.

And that's when the shift occurs....and it's a whole new world :-)

And you'll look back and be thankful for those experiences that you were once ashamed about - because without them, you'd have never achieved the shift.

Because let's face it...people can only treat us as bad as WE LET THEM.; March 15, 2014 at 9:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini,
Regarding your spirituality dear, this is how I look at our existence here on earth:

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. . . we are spiritual beings having a human experience."; March 15, 2014 at 9:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"...break the ice. Which is an interesting phrase, because there really isn't any ice to break."

Well, think of it like this dear. Ice exists in a cold environment. You can chip away at it, but in the end, it's still there. There's still more ice because it's cold. If it weren't a cold environment, the ice couldn't exist, it would melt away.

You don't have to tell him to buzz off or have a verbal spar with him...your mind went to that phrase because you're experiencing a cold environment with him ya' know?

"but the heartache is for the idea of what he COULD have been...if things had worked out."

But explore that dear. I mean, REALLY explore that. What COULD it have been? How do you know it would've been great? A selfish man is NOT a good mate, so how do you know it could've worked out ya' know? How do you know it would've been enjoyable?

Your emotions are filling in the gaps and making a lot of assumptions there to create that illusion for you, that it "could've" been anything at all. Think about this....if he was such a great relationship prospect....then why is he still single? Because he really doesn't want a relationship, that's why. He's not ready for one. He prefers casual and he enjoys dating a variety of women. He's NOT what you think he COULD be....because he really doesn't even want any of that ya' know? So none of what you THINK could have happened is real. What's real is that this guy is a serial dater and he enjoys it. And what COULD have been...is that you could've been with a cheater, a man that took you for granted regularly and one that would've never truly appreciated you ya' know? That's also a possibility for what COULD have been and it's one that you can't ignore.

I watched an interesting show yesterday ladies. It's called, "Rituals of Online Dating: The American Male:" http://www.bravotv.com/online-dating-rituals-of-the-american-male

And here are video clips: http://www.bravotv.com/online-dating-rituals-of-the-american-male/videos

And here are notes I took from the giant jackasses mouths on that show:

- "I've been on 300 first dates"

- "There are millions and millions of women at my fingertips. . .all I have to do is say 'hello,' that's all it takes."

- "I'm looking for the girls that are fresh...the 'newbies'...you can mold them."

- "Online dating is like a full time job, I'm hustling online all the time."

- "It's like a game...I enjoy messing with women's minds. . .I like to see their reaction."

The one guy was so bad that his two sisters were disgusted by him and they told his mom what he was saying and his mom called him to talk sense to him. And all he cared about was his "peanut butter" tan, his "body of Adonis" and about how young a girl was and how much she weighed.

Cont...; March 15, 2014 at 10:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And his friend told him when he talks about dating, it sounds like a game and he sounds like a predator.

He said he lived in a 5 million dollar home...but he never said he owned it. My guess is he's a house sitter. His first dates took place in parks and outdoors...so that he could quickly escape if he wanted to without spending any money. And when he met a girl he actually liked, he showed just how cheap he was once again by inviting her over for dinner at his house for spaghetti, which probably cost him all of $5 to throw together...in someone else's 5 million dollar home.

And you know what his sisters did when he showed up at THEIR house with one of his first dates? (Again, not spending a dime on a woman here.) They threw him under the bus.

They told this woman about how he's really a nice guy, but he was hurt and dumped by his first girlfriend and now, he's a jackass who is superficial because he doesn't want to get hurt. He's insecure and he worries about being dumped, so he doesn't get involved.

His response?

"I've been on one long rebound ever since...."

And do you know that the girl he actually did like....he made her wait 3 WEEKS for a second date. Why? Because he was dating other women and looking for something better still.

And do you know what the girl he liked did after the spaghetti dinner?

She cut the date short and left to go out with her friends.

When they interviewed him afterwards....he said, "I don't know what it is, but I really like her."

Ladies, you can't take every single man you meet so very seriously. Many are playing games, many are acting out on past hurt, many are seeking shallow self gratification, many have unrealistic expectations, many confuse sexual attraction with real "chemistry"....the list goes on and on.

But the bottom line is...you have to filter and keep it all in perspective because what you see....many times....is NOT what you get.

Chk61, I did not share this with you to make you feel bad about yourself. I shared this with you in the hopes that you can look at the other possibilities of what COULD have been here....and be thankful that you successfully avoided being a victim of those potential outcomes :-); March 15, 2014 at 10:11 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror

Thanks for the beautiful example above of what kind of men most ladies on this site deal with are. In the first place they are weak and unintelligent and need a psychologist instead of a girlfriend.

@Chk61

Please don´t understand what I am about to say as a recommendation or advice. I 100% agree with Mirror and your girlfriend that if you aren´t feeling strong enough to face your DM again, the best thing is not to contact him. I just want to share my experience with the player. When we started dating, I took him seriously, and when he was disrespectful to me, it hurt. I still feel that hurt although a year has passed and we weren´t intimate. Later he contacted me a few times and we even met and he helped me repair my bike. At that meeting I realized that although I still felt something towards him, I wasn´t so attracted to him anymore and it wasn´t such a loss that our "relationship" hadn´t developed further. This experience of mine brought me to an idea that maybe if you met your DM, you would be able to come to the same conclusion and as a result stop worrying about the if´s of your relationship with him. But as I said at the beginning, it´s a risky business, because it seems to me that your DM still has the power to hurt you. And even I, who already realized I wasn´t into the player anymore, am a bit nervous about his invitation to go cycling bacause of the fear he might hurt me again. So I haven´t decided yet. The weather is ugly, I am ill, so I still have time to think about it.

So hopefully, whatever you decide or don´t decide to do will work out well for you. Good luck.
Hopeful; March 15, 2014 at 12:20 PM
WomenPower said...: Dear Gemini50,

YOU are an exceptional woman. I already read what you had to experience and now another stufff coming from your mother...
Once a famous European psychiatrist, I don't remember the name, had told: "It's very hard to see what some people had to experience and got crazy ( it was an allusion to patients, victims from the 2nd War, nazi camp, torture). "However, it's absolutely incredible and amazing to see what some people had to experience and... DID NOT get crazy, mentally ill at all and still can function and live a normal life. That this is the biggest miracle of the life."

You are the part of that miracle: you had to experience something horrible, disgusting and you still are: a sensible, nice, intelligent, great woman sharing your experience here with us. Thank you for it :)

Gemini50, you deserve great things from this life! and as MOA mentioned: you're a spiritual being... you learnt your way in this life very hard and I believe you will soon taste a sweet taste of fruits to see the other side of possible on this Earth...

Wish you a great weekend and you are not alone! I can feel your presence over the ocean :)

P. S.
What do you think about that meditation? Have you tried it?; March 15, 2014 at 2:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thank you so much for reading all of my posts. I really appreciate it a lot, you can not believe how much I appreciate it actually. And then not only reading them but also replying too.

It’s weird how the two things that weirded him out: seeing me every weekend and calling me every night…just because I bring them up that I wanted those, he then pulls back, when before that HE always wanted to see me and it was HE that called me on Skype every night and he loved them.

It’s like just because I wanted it too, suddenly he takes it away from me saying he does’t know if he can provide it? Didn’t he realise he was already providing it? Was it the way I said how I liked them I’m wondering?

Although I also realise that I didn’t communicate as well as I could and that he still thinks therefore I was having a go for not calling me every night anymore, but that was not the case, it was just the one night he did not call.

I totally agree that he could not love me, hence why he has not been in contact for the past 6 days. And because it was too soon to love me properly. He maybe felt he did at the time as he was falling and feeling, but he will realise soon/now he doesn’t I suppose.

Do you think if I’d managed him better by slowing it all down and not confronting him the last week we were together, he and I could have rolled on still now but at a slower pace?

For me, it’s now moved into the stage where I actually feel the loss now and there is some sorrow there. I wonder if he feels it too. I feel the loss of everything he had thought in his head and said to me to try to win me over and what he wanted to do for us two and all what he wanted to give… maybe I need a man to be buying the jewellery for me, a holiday he even asked me if I wanted to go away in March or April (I didn’t say yes…I just said ‘hmmmm, not March or April maybe later’ now I’m like, damn), buying me a leather wallet as I had lost mine and so he spent time looking at some nice leather ones whilst he was at work one day, wanting to buy me a nice pen as he thought a girl like me shouldn’t be using a biro… men can shower you with affection and gifts and that is a nice phase to be in…however I realise that phase is gone now and that there are better gifts that mean more (love). Lol.

I feel sad today that he has let me go like this, without a word. Does he realise now it’s been one week that I could potentially be gone I wonder? Does he have regrets? The second to last conversation we had he said he still meant everything he had said to me (love of his life, together forever, that’s it now I’m stuck with him for life). Seems he wanted to take it real slow and get to all that later with me then – well, I hope that’s still the case but 6 days of silence….who can be sure.

I wonder how he understood my response when he said he couldn’t imagine me out of his life and I said: “no, not on all counts can I be in it.” I wonder now how he’s taken that.

His work colleagues: No doubt the married woman at work who he sits next too will be telling him he is not ready for a relationship. And he will be feeling bad that he has dicked me around. I wonder if my saying I was worried about how he felt that Monday night when I caused him pain and told him that on the Sunday, also has exacerbated to him that he has people telling him he is not ready?

Why do you think he has not called to specifically end it? Because when he said he is not sure if he is ready for a relationship to me on the phone, that that was enough to show me? Or because he doesn’t want to end it as he wants me back in the future? Or that he is afraid and doesn’t know what to say? All those as opposed to he is heartless… he may not even realise I am in some minor pain myself with all this now…I don’t know…

When we were together the second night of the weekend at his place, he did turn his back on me in the bed and I did wonder then what he was feeling.

Continued….; March 16, 2014 at 8:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Continued 2 from C.

He also told me on the call on Sunday that he likes the calls as it means we are getting to know each other without the physical aspect. (I could have been offended there but I think he was meaning to get to know me slowly and for it to be done right…). He’d told me he thought I was very sexy and his actions whilst I was there on the Saturday and Sunday morning showed that as well as wanting to cuddle me on the sofa on Sunday.

I know I am strong enough to never contact him, and I know that would be counterproductive too. In your experience and knowledge of stories, there seems to be a very high possibility he will be back. But what’s the chances, from your experiences of reading posts on here and your research, that this could work out?

He’s a good catch. We got on so well. I think we’re very suited. He did too. He has so much love to give. He’s just lovely. I fancy him. He also reminds me of my Dad in his mannerisms which makes me like him more obviously.

I wish I’d pulled back as I miss it but it was good to learn a lesson I needed, however, I want to learn the lesson and THEN also have him back.

Do you think if I’d pulled back and not contacted him those times he was pulling back, we would still be together at the very least taking it slowly? That means we wouldn’t have hit this brick wall at least where it all comes screeching to a halt and I wouldn’t have been left in limbo like this with no closure from him. (Hence why I wonder if he is going to be back you see, given no closure…..as I can’t believe he is that cruel….God I hope not…)

I wonder if he will come back as a friend or whether he will come back because he is ready for me to be his girlfriend again, when he does.

Why do you think he has not called me? He never said he was going to call but I thought “give me a couple of days, forget about me for two days” would mean in a few days.

Continued....; March 16, 2014 at 9:00 AM
Anonymous said...: Continued 3 from C.

Why do you think he has not called me? He never said he was going to call but I thought “give me a couple of days, forget about me for two days” would mean in a few days HE would be back in touch. Alas now day six and nothing.

Now he has done this of course, I am probably more into him now. I worry that if I took him back he could do this again. Obviously I can’t reward him for walking away like this. If he does come back Mirror, shall I just take days to respond and play it cool? Is this salvageable or shall I just walk away for good and not entertain the idea. Maybe just get on with my life and see what happens. I just wonder if it’s salvageable given the fast pace before and short amount of time we knew each other and then we hit out first problem and now tumbleweed. However the tumbleweed could be a good thing as he’s thinking things through seriously perhaps, but then it weighs against the fact he risked it now by letting me go. Maybe this is his way of saying find another man! I just don’t know and I wish we hadn’t had those two conversations like we did on Skype now as I wasn’t clear with him either!!! Maybe he will dash back like a loon. Surely he has got to be missing me now. Surely!

What are the odds?! Ugh!

Thank you for helping cast some wisdom and guidance in this situation by your pulling on your own knowledge.

This week I will throw myself into my work and a guy through work has asked me out so I might meet him.

I won’t put my online profile up this week, but maybe the week after. He has not gone back online, his profile is still disabled. If I do see him back on there, clearly then, I have my answer and that would be he didn’t have the guts to end this properly from his side. And he also would be crazy to get upset with me if I went back online if I’d not heard from him for so long.

I have to throw myself into my work now as otherwise I realise today that I will go crazy or too sad about this. I will NOT go crazy as that would mean contacting him (which he may expect given I was sympathetic to him before) and I will NEVER do that don't worry.

Maybe this is his cowards way to tell me he got 'freaked out' and for men telling a girl this using that line is the Jedi Knight gold dust way to end a relationship nicely AND to get sympathy from the girl as they leave, when in reality on 1 in 10 men actually did feel freaked out but all the others using it, did not and are asses. From what you say though, he sounds like he is the 1 in 10? What do you reckon Mirror? I know this is the Jedi Knight case for 9/10 men when they use the word "scared" but I wonder if it's the same with "freaked out" -- they seem pretty similar in their meanings to me.

He did tell me he was scared a bit in the beginning but ploughed ahead. I said yeah you're not the only one!

God thank you so much for reading this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

C; March 16, 2014 at 9:06 AM
Anonymous said...: Ps. C here again

He initiated affection by way of kissing, hugs, sitting near me, saying nice things on Sunday and Monday so I'm not worried about the physical aspect of him not fancying me in 'that way', just thought I'd better say that. :)

Have a nice Sunday.
C; March 16, 2014 at 9:19 AM
Anonymous said...: C here, there could also be something in this that he is desperate to feel love and be loved again.

And he knows he is messed up and not ready, and pulling back until he is as he genuinely does like me a lot.
Or, of course, that he could of got that love from any old girl....I hope not though and I don't think as we genuinely did get on so well. You don't speak to someone for one-two hours every night if you do not!
OK, that's it from me for now :)

Thanks again Mirror...
C; March 16, 2014 at 9:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @C,
"Do you think if I’d managed him better by slowing it all down and not confronting him the last week we were together, he and I could have rolled on still now but at a slower pace?"

No, I believe that him not truly being ready would've eventually surfaced anyway.

"Why do you think he has not called to specifically end it? Because when he said he is not sure if he is ready for a relationship to me on the phone, that that was enough to show me?"

Yea, because what else is there to say? If he's not ready and he's told you that, then there's really no need to say anything else.

"Do you think if I’d pulled back and not contacted him those times he was pulling back, we would still be together at the very least taking it slowly?"

No dear, I think him not truly being ready for a relationship would've surfaced eventually anyway :-(

"Why do you think he has not called me?"

Because he isn't ready for a relationship dear, he doesn't want one and he's already made that clear :-(

"Is this salvageable or shall I just walk away for good and not entertain the idea."

It's only salvageable if he's really ready for it, for a relationship, and he's willing to do what it takes to make that happen. Unfortunately, I don't think that kind of internal change can take place overnight, in a week or in a month. This man has months of emotional work to do dear that involves properly grieving his loss and accepting his new reality of being single...and then working his way to being fully ready to try it again, leaving the baggage of the past behind. And that will take a significant amount of time dear.; March 16, 2014 at 9:25 AM
Anonymous said...: OK Mirror,

Just thought I'd ask given in the same sentence where he said: "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship or not yet. [Pause) But I can't imagine you not being in my life." and the day before where he'd said "I still mean everything I said to you" and my response saying: "not on all counts". Guess that means he thinks I don't want him as a friend now whilst he sorts himself out to move at a very slow pace.

That wasn't what I meant'.

It sounded like he was working it all out in his head giving me the running commentary of his thought process rather than final decision.

He also can't be that into me if he has not contacted me for 6 days too, as a friend or not.

He is the kind of positive guy who wants love and a woman so I can't imagine he will be single too long as he said his marriage started going wrong 6 years ago not just last year when they broke up in August.

OK, I'll move on fully then. I can walk away with dignity intact to keep my self esteem high in a way as I've not let him end it so to speak, as I also never reached out so he'll not know what I am feeling either then, as I could have also changed my mind.

I still believe he should have got in touch after the two days though as it wasn't a full decision on his part with his running commentary.

I will move on on my own volition then, I don't need his say so on being faithful to him now then given his actions have shown his decision, rather than his words. Quite cowardly really if this is the case and I do not hear from him this week.

Thank you very much.
C; March 16, 2014 at 9:46 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror. I know you have no intentions of making me feel badly! I realize that I have been making assumptions and possibly looking at this through rose-colored glasses. However...

Without going into a lot of detail as to how I know, but I *know* that D.M. had a serious relationship after his divorce. Shortly after his divorce he met a woman (older by 5 years), also newly divorced, via online dating and was with her for 2.5 years. She was very attractive, and the opposite of me, a tall striking blonde. (I'm a very petite, still somewhat attractive brunette). I think she was the classic rebound and she ended the relationship. They are still "friends" and he said they email every 6 months or so despite the fact that she married another man just over a year after ending the relationship with D.M. I know that he was in love with her and based on how much she came up into conversation with me, probably isn't over her. I also know that he wasn't over the end of his marriage when he was with her. This is all "documented" which is how I know...(can't disclose details here!)

So he's just "walking wounded" and my theory is he and his incredibly large and wounded ego is getting back at the women who left him (his ex-wife and ex girlfriend, oh and another long distance ex-girlfriend) by using/rejecting other unsuspecting women he meets online.

The thing I meant by what "could" have been is that I do think he is capable of love and caring but he is wounded and (underneath the male bravado) fearful. His fear and insecurity masquerading as ego was obvious to me. Whether or not he will ever get a handle on this is anyone's guess.

I know he cared deeply for the woman before me. As you said, like many men he is acting out on past hurt. That is what I meant by what "could" have been. Naturally, when he met me, I did not fit the bill of how he could replace HER.

And I know it's a waste of my time to try to analyze him. It's a process and I know eventually I will be over him, just like I am over the guy BEFORE him (and never though I would get over that person). ;-); March 16, 2014 at 9:57 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

By the way, here is a video from Matthew Hussey on what do to when a guy says he is scared of commitment. Now whilst my guy didn't say scared, he said "freaked out" -- to me it's the same thing.

I saw this video a few days AFTER his and mine phone conversation.

Now I am kicking myself for giving him sympathy, as it appears now, on day 6 and I've not heard from him, he could very well have been walking away at that time. And there I was allowing him to do it whilst dishing out love and sympathy.

I am so hacked off with him now. I wished I seen that God damn video before his and mine phone call.

I think this video is very good and a lot of your readers will find it of use as well.

https://vimeo.com/gettheguy/review/88785178/d79f6ce62f

I feel now he decided over the two days whether to get back in touch or not, fully decided not to, and has walked away given we already briefly spoke about whether he is ready. There is a small chance he is one of the good guys that make up 1 in 10, that genuinely are scared, but, there is also a chance, at the first sign of an issue so quickly in the relationship at the end of the 4th wonderful week, that "I don't want anymore with agro (aggravation) as I already have enough from my ex'. He said that to me that night I called him when he was upset for not calling him back after 24 hours, and we were talking about stuff where he got confused.

No doubt he will resurface on the dating site in a few weeks when he is lonely.

So totally pissed off with him after seeing that Matthew Hussey video post his and mine's chat him not contacting me -- he could be one of the 9/10's doing it as a their Jedi Knight move to leave a woman AND get sympathy from her at the same time. Disgraceful.

All the best,
C; March 16, 2014 at 12:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello, After going no contact for about a month. My DM finally contacted me an apologized saying he was sorry for being an ass. The truth for his absence was he was scared things were moving too fast and wanted to think it through before moving into another relationship. I don't expect you to forgive but just know your amazing and deserve the best. I responded 3 days later with a normal greeting and stating how I've been sick. If that's how he felt he could have just told me and I would've been fine with that. Anything is better than just leaving a person hanging. I wished a good day and said ttyl. Haven't heard from him since, this is tiring and exhausting at this point. I responded in hope that he would prove me wrong but he didn't. Now I wish I didn't respond.. Do you think he meant his apology but is possibly a scared and unsure guy?; March 16, 2014 at 12:52 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ WomanPower, I haven't had the chance to look at video yet. I'll let you know when I do. :-).
I don't think I am exceptional, rather like all of us, I think there is a reason and purpose for everything.... I suppose it is our human experience, as Ms. Mirror explained it, that makes our soul experience more challenging.

@ chk61, sweety, you are hurting yourself over and over again when you check in on the dm on the site. I had a phantom acct as well while on M and I kept it when I didn't renew. But 2 wks ago, I cancelled that too and felt freer immediately. I wasn't sneaking around looking at anyone anymore and it just felt good - cleaner - lighter - freer.
Another woman has just told me she met her boyfriend of 1 yr on POF, she seems very happy still with him so it can happen! :-)

Continued; March 17, 2014 at 6:20 AM
Gemini50 said...: @Ms. Mirror, thanks lady! I get it. :-); March 17, 2014 at 6:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 16, 12:52 PM,
"Do you think he meant his apology but is possibly a scared and unsure guy?"

I'd watch the video link that C just shared here: https://vimeo.com/gettheguy/review/88785178/d79f6ce62f

If he really meant that dear and he had thought things through...he'd have given you a firm answer when he contacted you again...but he didn't do that. He basically provided the same exact excuse all over again and then disappeared again :-(

His WORDS aren't lining up with his ACTIONS. When someone is sorry or remorseful, they DO something to make up for it. They don't just SAY something...they DO something about it. And the only thing this man is doing is repeating the same excuse over and over again...and disappearing....again :-(; March 17, 2014 at 8:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

What do you reckon after I've shown you the Matthew Hussey video.....that the separated man was actually pulling a fast one on me there and then on our last phone call after all?

And two days later he decided he didn't want the relationship so he through, "well I've half told C already I wasn't SURE if I wanted a relationship after all....."...."oh the fact I also told I can't imagine her not in my life and I still meant everything I said"....".well, she asked if she could date others and I couldn't see her on all counts so...."

If a guy was interested in being kind to someone he had feelings for before, he'd call to clarify.

So glad I found that video and your website. So glad, with their BS scared/freaked out comments, tsch.

Hugs,
C; March 17, 2014 at 9:54 AM
chk61 said...: @HopefulWithMen:

I have considered meeting with the D.M. for that very reason but I realize that I am still in fantasy mode about him so a meeting initiated by me is not a good idea. Depending on the situation and timing, it can be a good thing to meet with such a man so that you can be reminded again, face to face, of the man's faults and weaknesses so you can become solid with the idea that he would not be a good partner anyway. I am not quite "there" yet with the D.M. (I can hardly believe I'm saying that but it's true.)

I think with my D.M., I'll have to fall for another guy before that can happen. Not seeing him will help. There was another man I fell for - wow, 7 years ago, but until last year we worked together in a shared avocation. I never thought I would truly get over that guy. But the light at the end of the tunnel is that I DID get over him, and while I still find him attractive (last time I saw him anyway, which was months ago - he quit the group we were in) I no longer have fantasies about him wanting me as a partner. I don't even want him as a partner. I know it wouldn't work and it would not be fun or pleasurable to be with a man who doesn't feel the same way!

I KNOW I will get over this D.M. It's guaranteed.

@Gemini50:

True, true, true. I have a bad habit of looking. I need to stop, it doesn't serve me. Thanks.; March 17, 2014 at 10:48 AM
Anonymous said...: So update on situation with my DM. So he has been contacting me and whenever I respond to his texts he answers back right away. But based on the conversations we have had it seems to me that he just wanted to pick up from where we left off but I cannot. I can't just shut off my feelings for him but I can't shut off the hurt he put me through. He asked me if I wanted him to start from zero and said not from zero but that I need to feel comfortable like that again. He needs to make me comfortable and fulfill some of my needs so that I could fulfill some of his. Not sure if i even said the right thing to him, my head was filled with so many thoughts and I just tried to control it by not seeming too emotional. I told him that I understood that he is busy running his businesses but on holidays or long weekends he could visit me. To me Its almost as if he thought it would be easy, he would reappear and I was there waiting for him and I would run to him. I know that he notices I have been a bit distant and not initiating contact. He said before that now is the appropriate time for us to be together and that he likes me very much, so when I told him about making me comfortable he said ok honey, let's see what happens about me visiting.

So I will not get my hopes up because I have before and been disappointed. if he does show up I will be in shock. So basically now I observe to see if he puts work into it and does what he says or just disappears because he realizes it won't be so easy. I have noticed some things about him and they sure are purely Capricorn traits, if I want him to do something I cannot just lash out at him and demand it of him. If I do that he won't move an inch I have to be diplomatic with him and he is not a very demonstrative guy. Out of nowhere when I am not expecting it he can say or do the most romantic things but generally its out of nowhere and you don't expect it. He agrees that the effort has to be on both sides for the relationship to work and I agree. So lets see what he does, I would love to see him but I don't want to get my hopes up.

-- Jennifer; March 17, 2014 at 11:46 AM
AriesGirl23 said...: Part I/3

Dear Mirror of Aphrodite, ladies, :)

I am writing to you because firstly I guess I need this out of my system and secondly maybe you and/or the ladies can give me some advice. I try to keep it as short as I can and only give you the most crucial parts, because I finally realised and completely understood after starting to write EVERYTHING down: he just isn’t that into me otherwise he would behave very differently to me. Period. I haven’t encountered a disappearing men in my country (I live somewhere in Europe and English is not my first language, so bear with me, please :) ) and life yet, but my men have been flaky too. There has to be something I do wrong too (Probably the lack of strong boundaries and what to expect from my relationships ;) ) I want to share my story with you.

Even though I don’t look like it at first glance I am a terribly insecure person and have a lot of trouble to truly open up to someone, especially men. I am working hard on my insecurities, though because I realise that's no way to live and I want a loving boyfriend. Yeah, I guess I am not bad-looking, love fitness and am actually a generally well-liked, light-hearted and helpful girl. Overally, I don’t think I’m exactly shy but I really don’t know how to act around men I am interested in.
I start with what happened over a year ago when I thought I needed to change my dating style (I never had a serious boyfriend before) by aggressively chasing a Pisces guy for six months. It was horrible. Eventhough I felt completely undesired and deep down knew he doesn’t really like me back I kept chasing him – I felt like a drug addict and I could hardly stop. Of course I was only used and not considered a girlfriend by him, but I didn’t want to realise that. Finally I had enough and wanted closure: he told me I had been too easy and he didn’t have to work for me. So I cut his ass off of my life and desperately wanted to improve myself. My trust in men was completely shot down to the point that I seriously don’t know how to act around them anymore and I don’t like to be touched too much. Around that time I found this site and started to wail in self-pity at how stupid I have been. But we've all been there, right? You need to pick yourself up and continue living your life, damnit!!
Anyway, an Aries Guy at my part-time job who is only a day older than me started “pursuing” me as in texting me daily for over a month. Not a single text had been initiated by me but him. I was a bit wary and distant because he came on very strong and sexually too (only in his texts) which openly frightened me. He asked me out on an innocent dinner date where he didn’t try to get intimate with me and we shared the bill. So I was confused about that even being a date. He had told me, that he thinks it’s completely ok in today’s time to share the bill and called me conservative, too uptight (not only because of that) because of my different opinion on that. But he also called me innocent and really sweet. After a while, I actually started to really like him a lot.
From then on, however, his signals started to get really mixed and unclear to me: He just stopped texting me but at work he’d still be extremely nice to me and said to me if I wanted to I could text him when I’m bored. Nah – I didn’t initiate any texts, though. And I didn’t understand his sudden change of behaviour, so truthfully despite not chasing him I felt hurt and confused. I heard from others that he started talking about pursuing (a lot of) other women for sex and talk about all of his current conquests (but never mentioned anything to me). I tried to move on and started dating casually. He seemed to get jealous and make snide remarks whenever he saw me text other guys. Yeah, whatever, no commitment means I can do whatever I want, right? I wasn’t sure but I had the feeling he tried to make me jealous...sadly it did work a bit (but still no pursuing).; March 17, 2014 at 3:01 PM
AriesGirl23 said...: Part 2/3

I thought that I would try and be just friends with him because he mentioned on a general note that he isn’t sure he wants a girlfriend right now.
Then he wanted to watch a movie with me. First he said “jokingly” that we were going on a date (which really had me surprised/confused as I thought we were only friends) to people who were standing around us then he said so only I could hear to me that no it’s not a date he just wants to see the movie because it's really important to him. I got extremely angry for being this humiliated. He kept apologising to me. A month later I caved in and we finally did go and see that movie for which he paid on his own volition. I went with him to see that movie because I again thought: "yeah ok whatever we’re just friends, right? But still I had a ..."after taste"? about it, I hope you understand what I mean...
Starting this year, because we had the same fitness obsession, he persuaded me to go to the gym with him. He helped me a lot, showed me how to improve my training and we just kept training together. As I’m quite social and friendly I have made a lot of friends there, including his own friends who also went working out there. I had a lot of fun, was very happy and he said he wanted to see another movie with me again.
On a side note: I was struggling a lot with my law studies and was extremely unsatisfied with it. Two months ago I failed a very, very important exam yet again. This prompted me to stop studying my law degree and pursue something else with which I’d be more happy and fulfilled with, but I'm still looking for that.... However, ever since failing that exam I’ve been feeling very down. I hate failure and my parents put a lot of pressure on me to finish my studies and get settled down. But Law is not what I want to do but right now I have no clue what else to do with my life. I know that I have to change my way of living and find fullfillment in my life. I don’t know what to do and how to find that fullfillment. Let’s just say that currently I'm not that sunshine I used to be. The Aries Guy tried to cheer me up ever since then and has been there for me as a great friend. He kept showing me that I am important to him and acted protectively. He constantly encouraged me to talk about my problems which I only did a bit but when I tell him something he listens to me and seems to care and gives me the feeling of being important as a contrast to that other Pisces Guy. I think I might have gotten friendzoned at some point, but the problem is that I’m not sure. Anyway, I still get very mixed signals and a small feeling that he is trying to make me jealous. He gives me very affectionate pet names, tells me that he really likes me a lot, hugs me, tries to make me laugh and attempts to strengthen me emotionally. He hasn’t asked me out again so I started to lose hope and really believe that yeah I’m just a friend to him. Recently he said to me that we should start a new study program and do this with him together because he wants to study something else too. I don’t know how to understand this. Why would he offer something like this? Do you have an idea? Does he look for a possibility to hook up with me?
Now I see an interaction with a much fitter than me girl who is a cheerleader, I think. She sometimes comes working out during the same times we and our friends go to the gym. Aries Guy and her seem to really hit it off and I get the feeling they are dating though he hasn’t told me anything yet. I was trying to only see him as a friend, but I can see now that I simply fail in doing so while I see him with that other girl. Today she “unexpectedly” turned up again and was all over him. I didn’t feel well today, I hope I'm not coming down with a cold, so my workout performance wasn’t the best. He was asking me constantly if I was ok. I really didn’t feel well and I admit that I was hurt and jealous by that display of those two.; March 17, 2014 at 3:01 PM
AriesGirl23 said...: I’ve overheard them planning to meet up today and I have to say that I’ve finally had quite enough. After she left he “came back to me” and was trying to be all touchy-feely. I was very cold to him and he looked really worried. He offered that I talk to him about what bothered me but I declined. How on Earth am I supposed to tell him what bothers me??? Then he asked if I want him to leave me alone and I said yeah, quite forcefully. He looked hurt and left the gym without saying goodbye.

The problem is, sometimes I think it's all in my head that he really is only friendly with me. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, because he has been there for me in the last two months like my other (very good) friends haven’t but maybe I am only feeling this way because I have feelings for him. Would you say that it would be healthier for me to completely cut him off and change my gym? Or try to drop off the face of the Earth to gain some distance, sort out this…emotional mess I have gotten myself into for the next 30 days and then genuinely try being friends with him again? If so, do you have advice for me how to do this effectively? I know that I have to avoid seeing him (and that or another girl) because I don't think I can control my temper towards him. The real challenge will be when I see him at my part-time job (though it's only a day in the week) and we have a long trip together home. Ah, and no we have never slept with each other.

I have been following the comments here for a year now. They have given me hope and have helped me. It’s absolutely amazing how you girls stick together and share your stories – it’s so beautiful :) There are a lot of ladies here I admire for their strength and I cried a lot because of what those childish men did to every single one of you…

It's time to start focusing on ourselves :)
Much love,
AriesGirl23; March 17, 2014 at 3:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AriesGirl23.
"There has to be something I do wrong...I am a terribly insecure person"

You're not the only one dear, so realize that before we start here. And it's not that you're doing anything necessarily wrong, it's that men are picking up on this about you "I am a terribly insecure person." Men can smell insecurity on women a mile away. And nefarious men with bad intentions...they LOOK for it. Because a woman who is insecure will permit herself to be treated poorly by a man, she will tolerate a lot of bull crap from a man - and the nefarious types KNOW this. So an insecure woman to them amounts to the "perfect victim" ya' know?

So that's the first thing to try to improve about yourself dear - building up your confidence :-)

When you look in the mirror, see a beautiful soul there. Forget about your physical appearance and focus on your inner being, your souls beauty. And then write down a list of all the things you have to offer a man. Things like emotional support, nurturing, love, a nice home, open arms...whatever it is that you bring to the table, make a list.

And then tack that up somewhere in your home where you see it everyday - and REMEMBER IT. Remember what it is that YOU have to offer, because those things have VALUE. They are WORTH SOMETHING to another human being.

"by aggressively chasing a Pisces guy for six months. It was horrible."

Don't chase dear. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, that will make a woman feel worse about herself than when she finds herself performing acts that are out of character for her just to win over a man. So that's your second issue to improve dear - don't chase, ever. It will only ever make you feel "less" ya' know?

" he told me I had been too easy and he didn’t have to work for me."

Yes, that happens and it's precisely the reason I don't advocate chasing men. People value things they have to work for. When something is scarce (not in abundance to them), they desire it even more. Uncertainty creates romantic attraction and the Law of Scarcity (discussed in this article above) is so extremely successful...that it's used in economics and manufacturing every single day (as a psychological tactic) without you even realizing it.

"But we've all been there, right?"

I didn't learn what I've learned...by being successful the entire time, LOL ;-)

"He had told me, that he thinks it’s completely ok in today’s time to share the bill and called me conservative, too uptight (not only because of that) because of my different opinion on that."

That's a bunch of BS and he doesn't realize what a turn off for a woman that piss poor attitude of his truly is. That's a players game - players talk like that and try to make women feel bad about expecting proper treatment. Here's an article where a man shares his "reformation" about that attitude he once carried and how his new approach actually made him (and the women) feel much better:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeffrey-platts/first-date-advice_b_4554666.html

Cont...; March 17, 2014 at 6:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "said to me if I wanted to I could text him when I’m bored...he started talking about pursuing (a lot of) other women for sex and talk about all of his current conquests"

See what I mean? That's a player - and these guys aren't real smart. They give themselves away very early on if you know what to look for. And not paying for a date. . .is red flag number one. No pay, no second date - period. And that has nothing to do with money. Women can buy their own damn dinner, they don't need to go on a date for a free meal. What it boils down to is....no woman wants to date a deadbeat man with a bad attitude that's never going to be willing to lift a finger for her. NEXT, LOL!!

"no commitment means I can do whatever I want, right?"

Absolutely.

"he mentioned on a general note that he isn’t sure he wants a girlfriend right now."

That's because he likes to have cheap, meaningless sex with random strangers instead.

"I think I might have gotten friendzoned at some point, but the problem is that I’m not sure."

You're not getting friend-zoned...he's trying to position you as a "friend with benefits." A woman he's friendly with and has sex with once in a while. That's most likely what he's shooting for here.

"Does he look for a possibility to hook up with me?"

Most likely, yea. He's hoping that if he spends time with you and gets you to trust him as a friend, he'll be able to coax you into dropping your guard and thinking maybe "more" will come of this with him. He'll try to sleep with you then....and after....he'll probably disappear - and disappoint you :-(

Don't let that happen.

"I don’t want to lose him as a friend, because he has been there for me in the last two months"

Two months doesn't make a friendship dear. Honestly, at that point, you guys are still more like acquaintances. Two months is hardly long enough to truly get to know someone to the point of deep friend ship....and trying to be friends with men you've dated simply doesn't work. You can be civil and say hello when you bump into each other, but being friends and hanging out...it's pointless dear and it will only keep you feeling "less" about yourself and worthless because you want more and he's not going to give that OR he's going to try to use you.

"Would you say that it would be healthier for me to completely cut him off and change my gym?"

Absolutely.

Cont...; March 17, 2014 at 6:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "sort out this…emotional mess I have gotten myself into for the next 30 days and then genuinely try being friends with him again?"

Friends with him AGAIN? No. And as for sorting out the emotional mess dear...that takes MUCH longer than 30 days. I worked for YEARS on myself and women here on this thread....some have been at it a year or more. 30 days will get you balanced once again...but it won't even be close to truly repairing the real problem dear....which is your insecurity. Repairing that is going to require a lot more dedication of time and focus dear.

"It's time to start focusing on ourselves"

And it's time for you to start focusing on LOVING YOURSELF dear :-) It's time for you to do some of the hard work at repairing your confidence. If I were you, I'd shove dating aside for the next six months to a year and I would focus solely on myself, my future, where I want it to go and the things I want to see in my life a year from now.

If you attempt to date during this process, you're going to fall back into old comfortable patterns of behavior dear that may divert you off your path. When there's hard work to do, it's always best to take the phone off the hook, roll up your sleeves and get down to business. Men will only be a distraction to that for you right now.

And once you get yourself standing tall and realizing your value...you will begin to attract like minded people (and men) to yourself. But if you attempt to date in the current emotional environment you're in...you're going to attract men who seek to "victimize" you in some way to yourself (because they'll sense your insecurity) - and that's not worth the risk.

Baby steps dear :-); March 17, 2014 at 6:11 PM
AriesGirl23 said...: Actually I wanted to take a break of dating after I ditched Pisces...but then I have met that AriesGuy and my plans went down the drain...Meh.

It especially hurts to read this:

"Most likely, yea. He's hoping that if he spends time with you and gets you to trust him as a friend, he'll be able to coax you into dropping your guard and thinking maybe "more" will come of this with him. He'll try to sleep with you then....and after....he'll probably disappear - and disappoint you :-( "

this is just so...EW! It's plain...ruthless and cunning? I would never ever be able to do this, just how can a human being do this to another and dare to call that somebody a friend. And all that just for meaningless sex?? :( Just wth and who in the world even has the time for this???

I have a few questions though.
1. Do I say something about changing the gym/not coming to train their anymore or should I just vanish without a word? (and not reply to texts and or calls made by him)

2. How am I supposed to talk to him when we are driving home from work by train and we are alone? :(

3. Do you think that cheerleading girl in the gym is either a way of making me jealous or he really is interested in a serious relationship with her and doesn't give a damn about me anyway?

Thank you so so much, Mirror :) You are truly giving me hope! I'll start working on everything right away! :))

Love,
AriesGirl23; March 17, 2014 at 7:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AriesGirl23,
"Just wth and who in the world even has the time for this?"

Tens of thousands of men dear are out there doing this every single day.

"Do I say something about changing the gym/not coming to train their anymore"

No, you don't explain yourself to men, particularly ones that you don't have a commitment to and don't have to answer to - and you don't engage them in verbal confrontations either, which is what that would lead to.

"How am I supposed to talk to him when we are driving home from work by train and we are alone?"

You remain mature and dignified you engage in small talk only.

"Do you think that cheerleading girl in the gym is either a way of making me jealous or he really is interested in a serious relationship with her and doesn't give a damn about me anyway?"

I don't believe it's either. I believe it's just another sexual conquest, I don't believe he wants a relationship with her, I believe he just wants to sleep with her.

This man has never even stated he WANTS a relationship, I don't think that's what he's looking for at all and I don't see him entering into one any time soon. He's made it pretty clear that it's not a relationship he's seeking, "he mentioned on a general note that he isn’t sure he wants a girlfriend right now"..."he started talking about pursuing (a lot of) other women for sex and talk about all of his current conquests." THAT'S what he's up to - his same ole' tricks, business as usual.; March 18, 2014 at 6:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror

(women in deep despair here). What excellent advice you gave to Ariesgirl23.

I was thinking the other day, I wanted to watch a film you recommended about a year ago. I clicked on the link, and it looked a good film, but I thought I would save it for another day for when I had time to watch it.

I wonder if you remember what it was, and can let me know.. it started off with a lady at a work's reception/get together, suddenly, finding out, I think that her husband / partner had been unfaithful... and she left her dynamic job and went to live in Europe.. and she got her self together and began her life all over again.. LOA..

thanks; March 18, 2014 at 7:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Woman in Deep Despair,
"I wanted to watch a film you recommended about a year ago...I wonder if you remember what it was"

Yep, one of my favorite movies, "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane:

http://youtu.be/vdJGMZDY0-8; March 18, 2014 at 9:50 AM
chk61 said...: "Yep, one of my favorite movies, "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane"

I am going to have to watch that film again also....as I am going to Tuscany in the fall! :-); March 18, 2014 at 10:13 AM
Anonymous said...: @Women in Deep Despair (from London)
Thank you Mirror, I can't wait to see it now. chk61 .... enjoy Tuscany.. I love Italy :-) xxx; March 18, 2014 at 12:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: It's a great movie with a great message ladies...no matter how hopeless things seem, and no matter what age or stage of life you're in...new beginnings CAN and DO happen...if YOU help YOURSELF by being willing to be uncomfortable and step outside your comfort zone to MAKE them happen :-); March 18, 2014 at 12:17 PM
Anonymous said...: I started going on dates with a Libra a few months ago, we’re both in our 20s, and we seemed to click right away. We have a dinner date as our first date and the following night, in a roundabout way he asked if I'd like to come to his place to watch a movie. I know that when people say let’s watch a movie, rarely are they wanting to just “watch a movie,” so I prefaced my answer asking him if he was trying to get me to his place for other reasons and he said no, he wouldn’t do that to me, he respects me, etc. I go over there and we had an amazing time just talking and hanging out. It got pretty late and because I live a good distance away, he offered to let me take his room and he’d take the couch. At the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it so I agreed. We got up the next morning and he cooked breakfast for me which I thought was a sweet gesture and I went home.

Over the next few weeks he’d call me and we’d talk on the phone. We’d keep up our texting but I made sure to not initiate us meeting up again. Finally he asked me when he’d get to see me (which seemed passive to me) so I said I don’t know, you tell me. We ended up deciding on a day for me to go hang out with him again at his house before I left for an upcoming holiday. At this point I feel really comfortable around him and felt like the topic of sex would come up soon and at some point that night he said a joking comment along the lines of “how are we supposed to have a relationship?” So I decided to hop on that remark and ask does he want a relationship and then he kind of sighed and said he wasn’t sure what he wanted (red flag) so I moved on. I then asked if he’s currently seeing and/or sleeping with anyone (bad move). He said not really, he talks to people but nothing serious and asked me the same question, so I replied in the same manner.

That night we have our first kiss and towards the end of the night he asks if I’d like to go further. I told him that I’d rather wait until things were official (bad choice of words) but basically saying i’d prefer to be in a relationship. He said that he could respect that. I asked if he wanted a relationship with me and he said part of him does but then part of him knew we’d only known each other for a few weeks and there’s still a lot we have to learn about each other. I said okay and we went to sleep.

The following weeks after that he started to pull away. We’d still text all the time and he’d mention “we should do this the next time we hang out” but never attempt to initiate a date. I let it go for a few weeks then finally directly said “we should hang out this week, what day is good for you?” I was fully expecting him to make up an excuse but he responded back with a day that worked well and we ended up meeting up for dinner at a restaurant. That night he kept saying I really like you, you make me nervous and when I asked him why he felt nervous he said it was because I’m different, it’s refreshing to hang out with me, he likes spending time with me and "doesn’t want to mess this up". That night he also mentioned it’d been 2 weeks since we’d seen each other and he was sorry it’d been so long - which was weird to me because that signaled he was fully aware of how long he’d waited to try to put together any kind of hangout. I also thought it was weird that since we’d already had our first kiss, he hadn’t tried to kiss me since, even at the end of the date.; March 18, 2014 at 2:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Confused (cont)

A few weeks later, we still talk but he’s still distant, so I stop initiating texts. Sometimes he’d text and say I miss you or I’m thinking about you, I’d respond and then he wouldn’t say anything else. I got fed up again and decided to directly ask when he’d be free to go to out again, he responded with a day he was free and we went to a movie (I decided to treat for the tickets since he’d always paid for our dates up to then). That night I mentioned I’d be able to work from home the next day and he works from home as well, so would he like to spend the day together and work. He never gave a definite yes or no. I spent the night and he slept on the couch, which I thought was weird because we’ve slept in his bed before, so it seemed like we were going backwards in that sense, but I didn't question it and went to sleep.

Since he hadn't given me a firm yes or no about working together, the next morning I woke up, gave him a hug and went to my car to leave. He calls 5 minutes later saying he didn’t think I would leave so fast. So I come back and we end up spending the day together, he seems more quiet than normal but he cooks us lunch which I thought was nice. I end up leaving for the holidays and I mention he should call me while I’m gone. He texts a few times but never calls.

By now I’m feeling that he’s doing a slow fade and playing games and sometimes showing through his actions that he likes me by doing nice things for me, but then tearing all that apart when we’re not together by being distant, not being consistent. So I pull back to and only respond to him if he texts me first. Days start to pass in between when we talk, and when he does text it’s something that doesn’t deserve a response like a picture, so I start to let our conversations die when he doesn’t make effort to keep them going. As a last resort to see if he just wanted me for sex, I sent a text saying I want to come spend the night. He asked where this was coming from and I gave some line about how I did want to say yes the first time he asked me but after thinking about it, maybe you don’t necessarily have to be in a relationship to have sex (stupid I know). He said he hoped he hadn’t pressured me as this can make things complicated sometimes, to which I said no I didn’t feel pressured.

I go over there a few days later and as things are heating up in his room, he stops and asks if I’m sure about this, am I sure I won’t regret it, etc. I say yes I’m sure. We start kissing again and then he stops in the middle of this and says he’s having second thoughts, he feels like he’d be taking advantage of me and he doesn’t want a relationship. In my head I’m thinking I didn’t ask you for a relationship, but I go with it and say I’m not expecting a relationship just because this happens tonight and is he saying he doesn’t want a relationship with me or in general. He says this doesn’t have anything to do with me, he likes me, but doesn’t want to get in a relationship because he’s been hurt, he wants this to mean something. He kisses me on the forehead and we go to sleep.; March 18, 2014 at 2:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Confused (cont)

He texts the next day saying he had a really good time with me and I tell him so did I. 11 days go by and I figure that now I finally have a concrete answer from him and can’t be mad - - he doesn’t want a relationship and he stopped himself from sleeping with me even with me being stupid enough to think I could just do it and have no change in my feelings. After 11 days of neither of us talking, he texts me saying “Hey” - I get excited wondering what he wants and I respond back asking how he’s been. And then he NEVER RESPONDS! That made me really mad - why initiate a conversation and then drop off the face of the earth after all that’d just happened. So a few days later when he texted again saying “I’m thinking about you,” I ignored it. That was the first time I’d ever not responded to one of his texts. 3 days goes by and he texts me early one morning saying wake up - I smile and choose not to answer it. Then 30 minutes later he calls me and I answer. He says he was thinking about me so wanted to call, did he wake me. And then starts talking about what he’s been up to - Valentines Day was the previous day so he made mention that he hung out with some friends. I knew that was bait to get me to talk about what I’d done that day but I didn’t tell him. And if he’s texting and calling me the morning after, sounds like he’s not with anyone either and I’m the first thing on his mind lol. I was acting kind of distant on the phone myself to see how he’d react and he then says we should hang out soon. I noncommittally say yeah sure so he digs to get a specific day from me so I suggest the following day. He says he will have to see and I say okay if tomorrow doesn’t work then let me know and we can find another day. Of course a week goes by and he never reaches out about it, so I let it go. One week later he texts asking “where have you been” and I say I’ve been busy with work to which he says nothing else.

It’s been 3 weeks now and in that time is when I read your blog and see that he’s doing a reappearing/disappearing thing, and is now sending out feeler texts to see if I respond in order to assure him that I’m still here, and once het gets that, he runs. So I’ve gone NC - in the past I thought just stopping the initiating was enough, but now I see that I need to make myself completely unavailable so that he doesn’t get any assurance that he can have me whenever he wants me.

What are your thoughts on this? Sometimes he seems genuine but then he’s inconsistent and seems to have resorted to game playing. We “dated” for 3 months, haven’t slept together (but have gotten pretty close), but he is still on the dating site we met on and I don’t like that he’s tapping me through text and then falling off when I respond, especially if I respond back with a question or that he talks about meeting up and never follows through on it. Things are great when we’re together but suck when we aren’t. From what I’ve gathered from your blog, sounds like it’s best to go NC until I receive an apology for these things or he expresses some remorse. We both acknowledge that we have a great time when we’re together, but I feel like he is holding himself back because he doesn’t want a relationship, so he should figure that out on his own without me initiating and continuing to throw myself at him. Now that I’ve started to pull back, I think he’s starting to get it and miss that I’m not there, but that very well might not be the case. Since he hasn’t done anything majorly wrong, will he even see a need to apologize or dig into why I’ve pulled back?; March 18, 2014 at 2:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused,
"What are your thoughts on this?"

Sounds like yet another man that really doesn't know himself very well - that isn't self-aware. Doesn't know what he wants, what he feels and what he'd like to see in his future. He creates confusion with his inconsistency and his unreliability, and then turns around and questions YOU about it - when it's HIM that has no clue what he wants, LOL.

And I believe his indecision and lack of self-awareness is creating confusion for himself and causing him to act out on that confusion - by initiating, then pulling back. By bringing up sex, and then refusing to have it. By asking what you're doing, then disappearing. By asking when to get together, then never following through.

His behavior is right in line with what's going on in his head - he's all over the place.

"I feel like he is holding himself back because he doesn’t want a relationship, so he should figure that out on his own without me initiating and continuing to throw myself at him"

Absolutely. Throwing yourself at him will backfire on you in more ways than one so refrain from doing that. He needs to get to know and understand himself better - on his own, as you've stated. You can't help him "find himself" he needs to do that on his own and him getting you caught up in HIS indecision in life isn't benefiting you at all and can actually be damaging to you...so pull away from it.

"Since he hasn’t done anything majorly wrong, will he even see a need to apologize or dig into why I’ve pulled back?"

I don't see this particular situation as needing an apology so much as - HE needs to get to know HIMSELF - and he needs to do that ALONE. Because again, it's HIS indecision and lack of self-awareness about what HE needs to make himself happy that's causing all of his whacked behavior and creating lots of confusion between you two.

Pull back and let him get himself together. If you stick around for that process, it could be painful - and a big waste of your time. He could also accuse you of influencing him or his final decisions if you stick around for that process and then become resentful of you for reasons he's imagining in his head. Pull away and let him find himself, get himself right...and then once he's right, he can date again.

He shouldn't even be dating right now. He's creating more trouble for himself, more confusion and he's doing damage because he's trying to date -- when he doesn't even know what the heck he wants to come of it in the end, LOL. He needs to figure out what he wants first, what he's ultimately looking for first, and then go for it after he figures that out.; March 18, 2014 at 3:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror,
I met this guy about three weeks ago. We haven't been able to get together bc of schedules, etc. He said that he would ask me out next week again (last week) to see when we can get together. I haven't heard from him in 4 days...like if he finally texts or calls, do I mirror this?? (like waiting to respond?) I am starting to doubt his interest...and this is making me lose interest. I don't think he is trying to be a jerk or anything, but most men would have called earlier in the week or over the past weekend to schedule something for this week. It is already going to be wednesday tomorrow. Basically, I am just feeling like this guy might not be that responsible already...and I haven't even gone out with him! Do you think this is overreacting?? We don't really know each other.... or should I just accept the invitation if it is a little ahead of time (not 3 days like "The Rules")?? I am getting confused because he always seems enthusiastic...but I don't get the long breaks in communication. ??; March 18, 2014 at 11:43 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA from Confused

Thank you for the feedback - your blog has been an immense help. I only have one page left to read in the more than 4,000 comments lol.

I did develop feelings for him during this time as I went into this taking him seriously and had my guard down. I would give him a second chance in the future if he decided he wants to date seriously, however I do feel that we'd have to start over in a sense and that I'd need to enact some obstacles so that he can prove he's serious. For instance, no more texting marathons while I'm at work and all throughout the day - at work, I should be focusing on my job and not him. There was also a time that I texted him with a question about meeting up, he didn’t respond that day, so the next day I called him and got his voicemail. When I got his voicemail, I texted asking if he’d seen my text from the day before? He waited until the next morning to say yes, he saw it and sorry he thought he’d responded and then asked how I was. I waited a day and then told him I was fine and didn’t think I’d hear from him, and he responded “I’m not going anywhere, haha,” which made me want to throw my phone lol. I think he's started to use texting as a crutch/lazy way to communicate and then drops off once I respond, so I'm thinking one way to prove that he really wants to talk to me is the next time I receive a text that actually has some substance to it, I casually suggest he call instead and if he doesn’t, then I know he's not seriously interested.

I guess what I would ultimately want with this guy is to seriously date and to pursue a committed relationship and should he pop up again, I want to signal that I’m open to dating him, but I’m not down to be his texting buddy and I’m not down for any games he may be trying to play or listening to his fantasy talk that he may never act on. If there’s any sincerity here and he feels something for me, I want to draw it out. He may be insecure, but he needs to man up if he wants me to give him my attention again.

So if it were you and he pops again in the future, would you completely ignore his texts since he seems to sometimes use them for ego strokes and may or may not respond afterwards? Or would it be better to wait a few days to show that my life doesn’t revolve around him and then respond and say something along the lines of “It’s great to hear from you, it’s hard for me to keep a conversation via text now, but feel free to call?” Basically, I don’t want to give him an easy in again and he resort to lazily texting when it’s convenient for him and expecting me to jump when he’s ready - - I want him to have to work to get my attention again because he seems to have taken that for granted somewhat. So I’m wondering which is better given what I would ultimately want with this guy: a delayed response or no response at all? Should I make him make repeated attempts to contact me? I know it won't be easy to turn the tables since me entertaining this in the past likely made him think I'm okay with his disappearing, inconsistency, etc, but is there a way to flip the script?; March 18, 2014 at 11:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

Firstly this site is a God send - thankyou so much!
So at the risk of sounding like I haven't read this through enough, I assure you I have and I think I may be having a case of the "but mines different" mindset. So forgive the ignorance and happy for your bluntness with my following questions.
I've been seeing this guy for about 10 months (known him for 1.5) without it ever being "official" because he called off a wedding mainly because; traditional families pressure to get married, him not being happy with his partner who was emotionally & physically abusive to him and me to a small extent however we had only just confessed feelings when he did this and there was no prior admission on either of our parts. Just friends.
I think the fact that I walked into his life and was the first person he ever opened up to about his past his fears, dreams and things he had kept secret for so long, in his words, saved him from making a big mistake. For the record I refused in the beginning after the wedding breakup to be in a r'ship or be the cause of them ending and made it clear that he had to end it for his own personal reasons, to which I left for a period of time for him to sort out.
So things were called off and she came running back, threatening a bunch of stuff if he left, safe to say he took a much slower root to them ending and in the end she agreed that it wasn't working and that they needed to separate. In this time of them slowly separating we were seeing eachother and speaking daily, I learnt patience but all in all he was amazing, best connection I've ever had with someone who just gets me and vic versa, I was getting sent love songs and poems, kissed, hugged, adored, all the words that pop out of jane austen and Shakespeare, you name it, being shouted everyday to lavish restaurants etc. You get the point. I might point out he never was with me for sex because im a virgin so, its safe (in my mind) to assume we had something special that was more foundational that grew. I was there for him whilst he cried and got over her and when his family where retaliating* horribly, day night you name it. We just always laughed together and felt like kids in another world when together.
So it came to one point that I pushed to see him over Christmas and cracked it a lil via a text cas he couldn't (no big deal in my mind) but from there he backed off a little, I got over it and thought nothing of it, but sometimes when I shared feelings about us together he would be all for it and excited as much as me and other times he would back away saying he needed space to get over the ex. Fair point that I acknowledged but then later thought - hey if you wanted me that bad, you'd forget the space and time right? I don't know logic and feelings fight eachother there cas I understand when he explains it where he is coming from, some freedom. he felt trapped with this chick for 6 years and was afraid to stuff up another relationship with someone he really cared about and also didn't know about commitment because he felt he had failed. At no point here did I get angry but rather encouraged him and said we'd get through it and things would work out.

TBC... LIW; March 19, 2014 at 4:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont...LIW

The next 2-3 months we were normal, but he would back away here and there for a few days whilst his ex would come back and reek havic with him and the family. Then back to normal. Fast forward to him telling me he needed some time and that he felt I shouldn't wait around and put my life on hold when he isn't being committed to me just yet. So I move on 1.5 weeks on and valentines day you guess it - he's back wondering where id been why I was distant - confused - yes I was indeed. The next two weeks again normal us again and then 2.5 weeks goes by, ive had one email a few days ago where he was looking forward to seeing me at some party but I wasn't there, I didn't respond cas I thought seriously an email after 2 weeks, need to try harder than that and show me you want this.
Then enters your blog, changed my world and perspective thankyou! Now question;
Our mutual close friend is almost like an ear to both of us and just told me how upset he seems and that he doesn't understand why I wasn't at the party or responding and thinks ive moved on am happier without him and the drama. I told my friend that the guy needs to man the f up
& grow some, aggressive much lol I know. But essentially that was what I got from your blog. So is it remotely possible that this guy is really into me and just needs time given the situation?
Do some guys need the girl to make moves too. I get guys chase we play hard to get but I hate that he thinks I've moved on...after all I've said and waiting around you'd think he'd get it. I've painted him an emotional wreck who has no balls, but in all other areas of his life he plays the alpha male, all the girls love him, incredibly intelligent and successful, Christian grey like in the mind. Anywho rambled too long - should I respond to the email or leave and wait for a decent contact?

Thanks heaps - Lady in Waiting; March 19, 2014 at 4:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 18, 11:43 PM,
"if he finally texts or calls, do I mirror this?"

Well I wouldn't be jumping on that text and giving him the impression you're sitting there waiting for it.

"should I just accept the invitation if it is a little ahead of time"

Not unless you want to give him the impression that you have no life and/or friends and you've been sitting there waiting for him ya' know? If you want him to think you're a catch, then you have to give the impression that others out there want to catch you and spend time with you, too - friends, family, etc.

If you accept "last minute" for a first date - then he'll have you doing this and feeling this way EVERY single weekend. I wouldn't willingly walk into that. Because if you give him the impression you're available at the last minute this early on, then it will be that way from that day on. He'll ask for dates right down to the wire and you'll be filled with anxiety over it, putting your life and your weekend plans on hold on the hope that he MIGHT ask you out that weekend, ya' know? Don't do that. If he asks for last minute, you nicely decline, stating that you've already made plans since you didn't hear from him. And then you provide him with another day (3 days later) that you're available and a time and you put the ball back in his court and see what he does with it :-); March 19, 2014 at 8:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused,
"so I'm thinking one way to prove that he really wants to talk to me is the next time I receive a text that actually has some substance to it, I casually suggest he call instead and if he doesn’t, then I know he's not seriously interested."

If it were me, I wouldn't do that. I would not respond to the text at all, forcing him to pick up the phone to call and see what's up.

When a woman keeps trying to talk to the man instead and shares what's going on in her head with him and explaining things to him...men can sense insecurity and that the woman is worried. They do that on purpose and many of them get a kick out of seeing a woman squirm like that. He surely did, "I’m not going anywhere, haha,”

If a guy can ignore one of your texts and take a day to respond...then that's exactly what YOU do - you mirror his own behavior.

"So if it were you and he pops again in the future, would you completely ignore his texts since he seems to sometimes use them for ego strokes and may or may not respond afterwards?"

Yep.

"Should I make him make repeated attempts to contact me?"

I would. He'd have to work HARD to get my attention ever again.

"is there a way to flip the script?"

Yep, by changing your behavior. By doing the exact opposite of what you've previously done and by showing him that you do not fear walking away from him. By being scarce and not being available to him in abundance. Not through WORDS...but through your ACTIONS. Without explaining yourself to him and by instead, simply showing via your actions that you're losing interest, becoming harder to reach and you do not seem fearful of dumping him and walking away :-); March 19, 2014 at 8:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lady in Waiting,
"So is it remotely possible that this guy is really into me and just needs time given the situation?"

It's possible dear. But there's also another possibility that I don't think you're considering - and it's one you're probably not going to like :-(

He may be an "escapist." We just discussed this here recently. There are people in this world that deal with major life trauma events by....running smack dab straight into the arms of another and/or jumping immediately into a relationship with them. Is it because they're crazy about this person? Maybe. Is it more likely that this person is an emotional crutch to them, someone that's providing comfort during troubled times. More than likely. Is it possible that once this person has done that and provided that to them, that they then turn tail and shoot off into a new direction once healed? Yea it is.

I'll share the story of the snake and the boy to further explain this dynamic.

A little boy was playing in the grass and found an injured snake. He took the snake home, gave it a box to live in and fed it daily, spending lots of time nursing it back to health. Then one day, low and behold, the snake was healthy again. The little boy reached in to pick up the snake and....it bit him. Screaming and crying he ran to his mother and told her what the snake had done. She calmly turned to look at her son and said, "What did you expect dear? It was always a snake."

I realize folks reach points in their life when they experience troubles, but imagine yourself dear, having dated this man for 6 years - and him basically more or less standing YOU up at the altar? And then finding out that he had another security blanket (another woman) waiting in the wings the entire time? And that he appears unable to commit to EITHER ONE. What do you have in the end? What's the end conclusion?

When it comes right down to it and this guy has to prove himself and his commitment to others....he can't do it. And HE knows this. He's said it already to you, "was afraid to stuff up another relationship with someone he really cared about and also didn't know about commitment because he felt he had failed."

He "stuffs up" relationships by his own admission. He "fails" at commitment by his own admission. And now he's got yet another woman sitting there questioning herself about it. This guy is exhibiting a pattern in his relationship behavior dear - and now that you're involved with him, you're experiencing it too. This guy can't commit - by his OWN admission. He's not good at relationships - by his OWN admission. And when he reaches that point, he runs straight to another to escape what he's just done to the other.

"him telling me he needed some time and that he felt I shouldn't wait around and put my life on hold when he isn't being committed to me just yet."

He's not committed to you and he's telling you that he isn't.

"after all I've said and waiting around you'd think he'd get it."

First of all, never sit and wait around for a man. If you do that, it'll lead straight to "taken for granted" territory quick. Secondly, he's not going to "get it" dear....because he doesn't "want" it :-( This guy doesn't WANT commitments. He RUNS from them, he escapes them.

Cont...; March 19, 2014 at 9:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "should I respond to the email or leave and wait for a decent contact?"

I wouldn't. I wouldn't bother to carry this relationship along on my shoulders. I'd sit back and I'd wait to see if he makes a move. I'd wait to see if he's genuinely interested or just using me as a crutch to deal with the emotional blow back from the stunt he just pulled on his soon to be bride and girlfriend of 6 years, ya' know?

And then I'd walk on this one....because I wouldn't want my future to be the future that his ex just experienced with a commitment phobe :-(; March 19, 2014 at 9:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror.
I will wait. If he doesn't give an invite that complies with the three day rule, I won't go. I almost don't feel like I should even offer another day to him that would work bc that is almost making it too easy. I mean, he is really dropping the ball at this point. :( But thanks for the advice. At this point, I would almost be surprised if he contacted me at all!!! It is weird, because his last communication implied that he would be "Asking me again"...lol...so that STILL hasn't happened. Maybe he met some other girl over the weekend.; March 19, 2014 at 1:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

LIW here. Thanks heaps for your advice, I appreciate the honesty. Just wanted to ask another question but there is background story. Go figure a day after I email you a mutual friend of ours asks for coffee and tells me that M ( for a nickname) was thrown about me not going to the party or responding to the email and looked quite upset. the friend, being a guy himself, said "you know guys feel rejected too right...he doesn't think you want this." Well I simply put it that 9 months should have painted that picture and he deep down should know.
Anyway randomly the next day I bump into M at a restaurant for a farewell. He at the start stayed with the one half of the team whilst i mingled with the other half. I felt sometimes he would glance over but I payed no attention to it and just continued to act like i was having a great time and laughing with the others. I got up for a moment and when i walked back he was sitting in my spot, which i took as a sign he wanted to talk. So i walked back normally and sat in the spare spot next to him, he offered to move and i said no need to worry. So I tried to engage in the conversation with everyone, since noone knows abouts us, as there were 2 others on the table and we would casually ask eachother questions like normal people and then we were laughing etc...I was attempting the whole "dont get angry make him comfortable enough to know its okay to approach " Anyway I could sense he was about to leave, so i freaked inside a little and thought nope ill make the dash first so I did. Usually when i leave just before he does it meant we were going to catch up...not this time and i think he realised too. So 30 mins later i get a text saying "It was good seeing you smile again x" to which i didnt respond as I was inserting 3 day rule.
2 hours later and I get a message from him again saying "I know you don’t want to talk to me but I got this message from N (N being his brother) and his brother was warning me about a coming project I was about to go into and that it was probably best I watch out for certain people."

So I'm sitting here MOA going, do i stick to this 3 day rule, the 30 day no contact rule or do I respond soonish? And what would be the most appropriate response?

Thanks a Mill MOA!; March 20, 2014 at 1:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 20, 1:03 AM,
"do i stick to this 3 day rule, the 30 day no contact rule or do I respond soonish?"

That's a personal choice dear. Look at your situation and think about YOURSELF and then decide what's best for you and what YOU are comfortable with...and then proceed accordingly :-); March 20, 2014 at 5:12 PM
Anonymous said...: I've made every single mistake that you have listed. I came too strong and now my crush is disappearing. He used to share with me almost everything. But now, he rarely talk to me anymore. Many times, he choose not to reply my text, regardless how many times I text him.

What should I do to get him back?

P/s. We are still in the "friend stage" and he knows I have a crush with him. We are living in different countries and we seldom meet each other.; March 20, 2014 at 9:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror, this site is phenomenal.
A guy i was seeing started doing the disappear for a fw days or a week and then reappear. I started to feel like an option. It's been like 2 weeks which is really odd for us given we talked everyday and been friends for a while, I know after reading your site that I need to be a priority. He contacted me a few days ago but I didnt respond cas i was over being the one hanging on his every response. I was wondering whether when I'm applying the no contact rule for a few days, and unexpectedly see him out at the same place and we are chatting in a group but he could tell i wasn't giving him the normal attention, do I need to start the whole several day no contact again, when we are meant to be scarce and it doesnt work out that way...does that mess with him missing us and the elastic band thing?
Thankyou - Soph; March 21, 2014 at 12:23 AM
Gemini50 said...: Hi All,

Just touching base. After my meltdown last week and support here, I felt a shift that Friday night. My dad's birthday appearing when it did was huge; as well as Ms. Mirror’s clarity of spiritual/human experience.

I’ll share the words that came to me, “When we want to show you a sign, we will; there will be no question or guessing.”

I got it.

I had a busy weekend/week planned and I was ready to live life again.

Saturday night I went to see Trisha Yearwood (love her!) When she walked out on the stage, I had to laugh. Her t-shirt had the words, “Crash and Burn” on it. It’s what I’ve said I did on New Year’s Eve (and yes, I’m going to get one).

Early Sunday I took a flight to FL to visit my daughter. I was/am still sick w/cold (dr appt today), and was exhausted from just 3 hrs sleep. I always board the plane at end, I don’t see any reason to jump on to sit. When I find my seat -- one of few left, I’m next to a man in his 50’s. He looked nice enough, and as I sit down I say hello. We talk cordial light stuff. Once in the air he has paperwork he’s going over, I pull out my tray, put my head on my arms and fall asleep.

When I woke up, we chat again, this time about work/age -- he’s 58 and I’m "29" :-) He says that's exactly what he thought and we have a good laugh. He shares that starting a new job is not really what he wanted to be doing at his age and he seemed apologetic or disappointed in himself. Instead of commiserating with him, I said, “It’s like a new adventure, good for you!” The smile on his face was priceless.

We talked about where we were in life, (when I told him the age of my kids his expression was again priceless lol – I love doing that) where we live/work, and eventually music/musicians. He’s a local musician. He told me 3-4 times where he is playing next and gave me a card with two band email addresses/his phone number, etc. I told him I’d check my schedule, and if available, I’d like to go.

At the end of the flight, I said something like, “I think I got the best seat on this plane when I sat next you,” and thanked him for the conversation, etc. He said he felt the same way. I wished him luck with his new adventure, and departed before him (I don’t bring carry-on.)

I left thinking, “Now that was a gentleman, and a man I’d like to get to know.” But I have no idea if he’s married; he didn’t ask for my number, etc. So, I’m going to try to get to this bar on 4/5 to see what happens.

Question Ms. Mirror: On the one hand, I am concerned that if I do go, it will be perceived as pursuing him. But on the other hand, he invited me and gave me the date several times.

He had told me that nothing surprises him anymore. I thought that was sad, and asked “Not even good suprises?” which he didn’t answer. I think I can go and just say, “Surprise!” and see what happens. What do you think? I’d have to go with GF or alone.

Thanks to all, and remember ladies, take care of yourselves first… you are worth it! {HUGS}; March 21, 2014 at 10:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"I think I can go and just say, “Surprise!” and see what happens. What do you think? I’d have to go with GF or alone."

I would - BUT - I would go ALONE. If you bring GF, you know she's going to wiggle her way in front of his face and/or throw herself at his band mates and then give a less than impressive impression about you by doing so (guilty by association thing, ya' know?)

So I'd go alone, leave her out of this, and I'd try to chat him up for a bit. Be very positive and very carefree and approachable - fun. Look for a wedding band LOL...and if you see none, take a chance dear. But there's a fine line here when doing so, so approach it dignified and at the end of the night, say something like, "Here's my card (or your number). It'd be nice to stay in touch."

And then leave it at that - and see if he steps forward.

Many might think that's pursuing but it isn't. It's simply a woman giving a man a "green light" when done like that. There's no mention of a date, no suggestions whatsoever, no leading, no romantic inferences, etc. It's just a "here's my contact information, let's stay in touch" thing....much like networking in business is done.

Look at it like that and see what happens :-); March 21, 2014 at 12:06 PM
Gemini50 said...: Thanks Ms. Mirror,
I looked, no wedding band on the flight, but can't assume anything.

When he gave me his card, I apologized that I didn't have one to share (like business networking). He didn't pursue my number, so I left it.

I think you are right about going alone.

We talked a lot about how listening to (me) and playing (him) live music impacts us -- so I can go easily with the notion of checking out a new live band.

I'll give it a shot -- practice! :-); March 21, 2014 at 12:31 PM
Anonymous said...: As I write this I am fighting the urge to send my Cappy a text. Well he was up my butt about when I was coming to go and see him. I told him that I will not be going to see him but he could get on a plane and come to see me. He said his schedule was not permitting him too he says he's swamped, so he said it would be much easier for me to go to him. BS!!! I am tired of the excuses, if you're going to reappear than man up all the way. So I'm playing it cool not being so available, mirroring him, when I respond to his texts he always responds within 5 minutes. In one of our conversations I told him I wasn't looking to be anyone's side piece or second option. He assured me that I was not and will never be that's not how he feels about me, I guess I'm still bitter because he hasn't even given me the reason why he disappeared. I feel he doesn't want to tell me because he knows either it will upset me or its something within him. If he wants to see me then he is going to have to take one of his holidays or long weekends to see me, I know that your busy but you can't expect me to jump on a plane and see you when you disappeared for 9 months. And that's when I think it went off in his head like this isn't going to be easy, why isn't anything I throw at her NOT working.

Mirror even after 9 months can you believe that I have feelings for this man, but he knows that I am not an easy woman that is just going to serve herself on a platter to him. I think that's what he's used too women doing everything possible to stay on his radar and just jump in his lap. No way not me, not doing it especially after becoming more aware to the games these men play. What is up with some of these men do they really expect it to be that easy?

Anyways his response to him visiting me ( don't worry I was very non-emotional and diplomatic) he said ok, let's see what what happens. That was a week ago I suspect he might be a bit miffed that its now going to take him some actual effort, oh well go to the corner and sulk a bit. I suspect he'll be back ;)

What do you think Mirror

-- Jennifer; March 21, 2014 at 2:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jennifer,
"I told him that I will not be going to see him but he could get on a plane and come to see me. He said his schedule was not permitting him too he says he's swamped, so he said it would be much easier for me to go to him."

If he so swamped, then how is he going to be able to even make time to see you if you fly to him? Doesn't make sense. If he's too busy to fly to you - but not to busy to make time to spend with you if you fly to him - then it would appear he could use that time to come see you.

He just wants things convenient for HIMSELF and he's all but said this without even realizing it when he said, "it would be much easier for me to go to him." Of course that would be easier....FOR HIM.

"I guess I'm still bitter because he hasn't even given me the reason why he disappeared."

Then you should've never started talking to him again dear. A disappearing man gets NO RESPONSE until he's apologized for his disappearance and/or expressed remorse for it, which usually includes some sort of explanation. Until either of those things happens, a DM gets no response. Because if you let them back in the door easily, without them having to PROVE themselves to you first via actions, apologies, displays of remorse and repeated attempts on their part...then you end up right back where you started and you'll experience a repeat disappearance in no time.

NEVER make it EASY for a disappearing man to reappear and become a part of your life again...or you'll suffer another repeat unless CONSEQUENCES are issued to the man (i.e. no response and no access to you until he does the right thing.)

"What is up with some of these men do they really expect it to be that easy?"

Yes dear because unfortunately, many women nowadays don't demand much of men. Instead, they pursue them, chase them down, accept lame date offers to hang out on the guy's sofa...and continue to see him without the man ever lifting a finger for her first. When you spoil something...you create a "monster." Many modern men, in my opinion, have been rather spoiled and now...many of them are bratty, self-centered "monsters" of sorts as a result :-(

On an online dating show I watched, one man summed it up. He said, "I have millions of women available at my fingertips. And all I have to do is say "hello" - that's all it takes." Meaning, after he did that little bit (said hello) women just literally jumped at him and picked it up from there and did all the work to keep things moving along. All that guy had to do was say hello, and then sit back and collect.

Whether he comes back or not - don't make this easy on him. If you do that, you'll suffer a repeat. If you fly out to see him, he'll spend that time with you - and then POOF, he'll pull another disappearing act because he's suffered no real consequences for the first one - and if you're still there - he'll assume you'll be there in the future - again - just like the last time. So don't make this easy on him. And if he disappears for good, then so be it. He wasn't that interested to begin with, probably didn't want a relationship - and you've received your answer and you're free to move on.; March 21, 2014 at 4:39 PM
AriesGirl23 said...: Dear Mirror of Aphrodite and the Ladies,

My update: I think it’s finally over. I’ve done it.
This week I haven’t showed up to the gym of the Aries guy and me and I received two messages him asking “is everything alright???”. I ignored them. Today we had worked together at my part-time job and we ignored each other after asking me one more time “What is wrong with you? “. That talk after work was what I dreaded the whole time. How should I talk to him? How is it going to be like? How am I going to make it clear to him that I’m not going to the gym again?? I was really really and utterly afraid about that stupid talk.
Well what do you know? The talk never happened! He didn’t wait for me this time he just went straight home.
I have to say at that time when I realised he’s coming to pick me up hurt quite a bit. I felt like trash. Not important. Nothing. And stupid stupid how I thought about apologising(!!!!!) to him. DAMNIT!
But now after the realisation sunk in and I feel empowered. No more questions “Does he like me more than a friend? Is he being serious? What does he mean?” This…intense jealousy. It’s over. It doesn’t matter what he does with that cheerleader girl or any other girl on the planet. I don’t care. I feel empowered. It’s like I’ve done something really good for myself. Like I looked out for myself.
Ok, I know that there’ll be immense pain for me in the next days and it’s probably only now that I’m feeling composed right after I’m back home from my job. It was the right thing to do – for myself. I want to live a proactive not passive life style because who else is going to take care of my happiness? Thank you for that post, MoA, btw. :)
Thank goodness I’m packing right now for a weekend away from this crap. I hope it’s going to lift my spirits again and take my mind off…this.

Mirror, I really want to grow. After the list what else can I do to improve myself? Are books a good way to start? Can you suggest some? Therapy?? (Though I don’t have the money for that in the next months) I know you said baby steps but I really want to know what steps I could take…:/; March 21, 2014 at 5:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AriesGirl23,
Baby steps dear :-)

You've already taken one step in the right direction for yourself by walking away from a man that was taking you for granted and not treating you right. And that's a BIG step dear, so don't minimize that. There are women out there who try to do exactly that, and have been trying for a while now, and simply can't. So don't minimize what you just did there because that's a big one :-)

And, as with anything in life, information is POWER. So to really begin to enact true change, that starts with arming yourself with information and then making informed decisions for yourself. To start, I'd suggest some reading. To understand what creates attraction in men, start with the book, "Why Men Love Bitches." She interviewed about 10,000 men for the creation of that book I believe.

Next, pick up this little gem, "Find Out Who's Normal and Who's Not: The Proven System to Quickly Assess Anyone's Emotional Stability" by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D.

Absorb the insights in those two pieces and let them germinate a bit. Once you do that, you'll start to see that the changes within you will already start taking place, without you even realizing it, because of the new perspective you've been given with the new information you've just received :-); March 22, 2014 at 12:05 PM
JD said...: MOA,

I'll have to check that book out that you recommended reading.

So I have a few questions just for learning purposes when it comes to this DM. So He still has been contacting me every week or so...but nothing really substantial. He did text me (again a lame text) and I texted back...mirroring the length of his message and although I do not count the hours or days when I get a response from him any more, a day later he responded back with this..."Hey babe, sorry for the delay. My son messed up his car this weekend, so I have been preoccupied with that. How have you been doing?" So I waited to respond, and guess what POOF, he's gone again. LOL! Any how, that was almost a week ago...and though we have some mutual friends on FB I see him commenting on pics.. :-/ but cannot contact me? LOL I guess he's not THAT preoccupied, eh?

So why explain to me though? Is he sensing I'm pulling back? I didn't even expect one.

Do you think, he thinks that I am waiting for him?

BTW, I agree with showing action to get a man to do something. Like the post you mentioned about forcing him to pick up the phone to call you....by not responding to texts. Or coming to see YOU, not making it easy for him by coming to see him. You stated as a response to my previous post, that if he's serious about m, he will make the EFFORT to see me. That's for any man!

It's true. I've got a guy friend who is like my little brother and he told me that he drove through many states to get and show his bride to be that he wanted to be with her and marry her. My friend who was so heartbroken over this player type former Marine dude, told him that she was going to live her life and that he can do whatever he wants and he was so afraid to lose her that he flew cross country to join her because she joined the military. AND she did not sleep with him prior to that. I asked him what was it that made her stand out from all the other women he was playing and he said that it was she didn't give it up so soon.

And I hear it time and time again, men from different ages...women...that if a man wants you, no matter how busy he is, HE WILL find time for you.; March 23, 2014 at 3:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

How you doing?

C here from the four/five simultaneous posts starting March 14, 2014 at 5:45 PM posted as Anonymous.

I was just wondering, one last question that's sprung to mind, as it often does when you've been hurt by your new boyfriend and this kinda stuff happens..... given all he said for the main part to me and did, do you reckon he might be a sociopath?

I really would love your view as for a whole week on and off I've been googling sociopath....and I'd love to know someone who knows more's, opinion, like yours please.

Thanks in advance.
Take care,
C; March 23, 2014 at 8:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @C,
"do you reckon he might be a sociopath?"

It's possible. It's also possible there's like a borderline narcissistic personality disorder as well. I'm no professional here, but I do know that in the states, in America, it's estimated that 12 million people are sociopathic. I also know that studies have shown that many of those in power positions, like CEOs, doctors, surgeons, military, etc. - are actually psychopathic in nature. But the difference between them and say, a serial killer, are that they focus those psychopathic traits into positive careers instead of using it for nefarious purposes. But it's still those psychopathic tendencies that have gotten them there. Things like immense drive and determination at all costs.

And sociopaths are harder to spot. A psychopath focusing that into nefarious purposes will be more likely to look the part in some manner - disheveled appearance, a loner, few family and friends if any at all in their immediate circle, quiet, socially awkward, etc. But a sociopath won't come across like that. They're much more social, hence "socio"path. They'll have lots of friends, people will consider them charming, they'll be popular, they'll exhibit self-centeredness but still be popular, they'll have lots of people around them that will vouch for them, etc. Think Casey Anthony here. That's a female form of sociopathic personality disorder. Party queen with tons of friends that people generally liked....prior to finding out she most likely murdered her own daughter because being a mom was cramping her party girl style.

And a dead giveaway for a sociopath is - they lack empathy or sympathy for others.

"We’ve extensively documented that sociopaths in D.C. and on Wall Street caused the financial crisis.

But we didn’t realize how many people are sociopaths.

Psychologist Martha Stout – who – clinical instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School for 25 years – estimates in her book The Sociopath Next Door that as many as 4% of the population are conscienceless sociopaths who have no empathy or affectionate feelings for humans or animals.

4% might not sound like much.

But – using the U.S. as an example, that means that 12 million Americans are sociopaths."

http://www.washingtonsblog.com/2012/08/as-many-as-12-million-americans-are-sociopaths.html; March 23, 2014 at 10:07 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror

The weird thing is, I had read up about sociopaths before I met him, but, got swept away although I really did try not to and was conscious I certainly slowed it down, although looking back I could have managed it and slowed it much more.

He did used to say 'sorry' and he certainly had an Anxious personality attachment at times, as he used to think I didn't like him when I'd say I was not great, he thought it was him but it was about my work...couple of other incidences of that too. That's fine though. These types really do feel their partner.

But what he has not displayed, given I am (was) his new girlfriend officially, and from what he said, he has certainly not displayed empathy and sorrow for his actions.

It's like he made his decision, something was upsetting him why he could not speak to me, and so he's just done a runner. This is not emotionally acceptable behaviour as it's heartless.

I did write him a handwritten letter to close it all down for real. I had to do it for me. It was just two paragraphs long starting with two days huh? I said I thought it was odd, not fun, not nice and bit of a bore so I'd had enough and was leaving for good.

I included a few pages of all the things he'd said to me as FYI in like, was the MAJORITY of this not for real then?!

So it will give him a feel good from what HE said to me (i didn't share my emotional feelings of what I thought about him in the feel good part) and also tell him enough is enough. I like to do things properly.

I would never in a million years have written it if I had not had some part to blame in the saga by not pulling back when he was pulling back and getting anxious and straight talking to him. Hence why I had to end it officially in this way but giving something.

IF he still does not respond to that, he is definitely a sociopath I would say. I never said I was hurt or disappointed or felt let down, but he will surely understand if he is normal.

He is just too unforgiving too when we hit our first issue he said: I can't be doing with this aggrevation"
At the time rather than realising I was being highly insulted, I didn't, I am gonna listen and breath and pause the next time someone says something like that so I can take it in to realise what the hell is going on, instantly. I guess it was due to me holding my phone on my hand talking on a video too, concentrating on too many things at once, lol, also the shock of it out of nowhere.

As I realised my issues in the matter AFTER they'd happened, I found this
"We are trying to find the perfect someone, rather than being perfect"
as I'd grown through the experience and realised too I was at fault in a small way had I not pulled back.

Then again, he may just be a sociopath. Time will tell if he doesn't respond anything at all.; March 23, 2014 at 10:48 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror,

There is a really good book I recommend reading. To all single women. It's called: "Attached" by Dr. Amir Levene. You could have a read Mirror and see what you think of it?....certainly changed me for sure. It's based on John Bowlby's attachment theory from the 1900's. You can download it on Kindle.

Would love to know your thoughts on it. I thought it was insightful and a life changer.

C; March 23, 2014 at 10:49 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror
I love reading your blog and it's been helping me with my situation.
Would u be able to give me advice please?
I was seeing this guy who is long distance and I thought everything was fine between us at the beginning.
We went to each other's states nearly everyweekend, but he started to pull back.
But kept in touch through text and he always mentioned to arrange another weekend together but never followed through with it.
So basically I knew he was stringing me along,but I stupidly let him do that because I let my heart rule my head.
But now I have found out he seeing someone and he doesn't know that I know.
He answers my text but doesn't text me anymore,so I have just pulled back and I've not spoken to him in over a week, am I doing the right thing?
I'm so hurt, I don't understand why he just couldn't be honest with me,and he just gave me false hope.
Do u think he know what he is doing,or has he completely forgotten about me.
He just seems so into her and they are probably gonna live happily ever after together while I was just nothing to him.
And he added me on a app where I know where he is and where he goes with her I feel like he is just rubbing it my face.
I don't know what to do?; March 24, 2014 at 12:46 PM
Anonymous said...: Your right Mirror he does want it to be convenient for him, he wants it to be easy. I have not texted him and those nine months have helped me with self control. I will not initiate, he needs to be the man and if what he wants is me then he needs to come to me. I think he's used to getting things easily and so hoping I would do the work. Not happening buddy!!! Man up!!!! Its been a week and I haven't talked to him since our last convo and if I need to wait 3 weeks until he contacts me that's what I'll do. I will not make this easy on him and I think he realizes it by me not as I did before. He notices my behavior has changed so let's see what he does. I think he realizes that I am not like most women he dates, let's see if it gives him a push to pursue.

-- Jennifer; March 24, 2014 at 2:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 24,12:46 PM,
"I have found out he seeing someone...I don't know what to do?"

The only thing you can do dear is try your best to process the pain and accept that it's over :-(

Nothing you do or say dear can change the outcome here and quite honestly, why even wish to be with a man that isn't wishing to be with you, ya' know? Why long for a man that's chosen someone else? It's wasted effort and if anything will make him unattractive to you - that'd be it.

In the meantime, read this, it may inspire you: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; March 24, 2014 at 2:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

@Gemini 50
Wow, a gentleman on the horizon! Just to meet a gentleman is quite an experience nowadays, let alone starting dating one, isn´t it? I hope the meeting on the plane will bring you luck. (-:

My update: The player phoned me again after he had reappeared from the darkness some time ago. Well-equipped with Mirror´s advice I smiled and thought to myself: "Yes, he´s run out of women again, it´s finally my turn after some time". To cut a long story short, I said yes to his invitation for a bike ride. And so we went. Well,.... Although he had sounded decent on the phone, in reality it was a bit different. Yes, he did try to be polite, but without a considerable success. He tirelessly kept bringing up the topic of sex and I always had to change the subject. And I made an effort to yawn each time he brought it up. Finally, over a cup of coffee during a break he suggested friends with benefits. As you hear, he expressed it openly and bluntly. I said a resounding "no". He replied: "Oh, I see, you want to get married first and only then have sex", which was quite humorous because although I am still single I am in my late 40´s. By the way, he was riding my bike. I lent him my father´s because his had reportedly broken just before our trip. At the end of the trip he said that he would like to go cycling with me again, which left me wondering whether he was more interested in a hook-up with me or in using my bicycle.

It was all quite funny. He turned out to be more silly than I originally thought. Good news is that I seem to have overcome myself - I am not disappointed that he doesn´t care about me, or rather, I am a little disappointed but that doesn´t mean I am sad or angry with him. Not anymore fortunately. And I am able to look at him in a different light without any expecations. And I even think that if he invites me again, I will go with him as a friend because he was funny and I haven´t found anybody for bike rides. And I feel relieved that I openly told him I wasn´t interested in hook-ups because we never spoke about it openly last year. Now we both know where we stand. So maybe I will have a friend, who knows? Chk61 mentioned that she´d made friends with men she had been romantically interested in before, so maybe I will be able of it too.

I wish Mirror and all the ladies a nice day and a smile on the face.
Hopeful; March 24, 2014 at 4:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"Finally, over a cup of coffee during a break he suggested friends with benefits."

BOOM - there it is, LOL ;-)

That's what he's been reaching for this entire time I suspect.

"He replied: "Oh, I see, you want to get married first and only then have sex"

Wow, he really left himself wide open there. Good thing he wasn't sitting across from me because I could think of several things that may have instantly flown out of my mouth, LOL. "No, not married...just have to meet a good man first." "No, don't need to get married first...but being impressed first helps." "I don't need to get married to have sex. Hell, I don't even need a man for that, LOL."

I could go on and on ;-)

"Chk61 mentioned that she´d made friends with men she had been romantically interested in before, so maybe I will be able of it too."

If you're emotionally over it, the odds of successfully doing so increase. But as you can see, that takes a considerable amount of time, it doesn't happen in a few weeks or even months. But you will still have to learn to deal with that one hurdle that generally always remains, LOL...one individual is always interested in more.

And he just exposed himself of that :-)

If he's got a good sense of humor, refer to my sarcasm above and start using lines like that to deflect him - say them with a wink and a smile, LOL ;-); March 24, 2014 at 5:17 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Hopeful,
DM offered FWB? I am just so sick of these guys. They aren't men. They are selfish, self-centered little brats who think they can continue to live out their spoiled little mamma-boy syndrome into adulthood.

I read you are thinking of being friends with him, but why bother? Do you really want to hang out with someone who takes or leaves others at their whim? Try something: coach yourself here as if you didn't know this man and he was trying this with your best girlfriend. You love this girlfriend with your whole heart, and you know her inside and out. She tells you everything -- what do you tell her?

You are your best girlfriend dear. :)

As far as the musician goes, it was so very nice to talk to a courteous, respectful, interesting man. When I walked away and thought of him being a gentleman, and a man, it gave me hope that there ARE real men out there. But I think he's married (being home sick with the internet just leaves too much time to poke around). Who knows though, he said he didn't expect to be going back to work at this time of his life, so something has changed for him. I'm still planning to go to the place he's playing, and it's more about me continuing to move on with life than anything else -- ok, maybe just a little smidge of curiosity, but I'm not expecting anything to come of it.

I do believe people cross paths for reasons, and I think there is a reason that we met. Who knows what the reason was/is. He gave me hope that there are real men out there, maybe there was something about me that gave him a little something he needed as well.

Back to your DM, Hopeful: "...which left me wondering whether he was more interested in a hook-up with me or in using my bicycle."

Hook-up/using, same things dear. Remember what Ms. Mirror has been saying. We are tested until we get it right; we don't move on until we clearly pass the test. You are worth more than this. (hugs!); March 25, 2014 at 11:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have had a response to my letter that I wrote to him. He will have received it at the weekend and he's just written to me now on text message exactly word for word as follows (which rules him out being a sociopath) which means he has reflected on it for a couple of days:

------
Hi,

Thank you for your letters. There is nothing to say other than my deepest apologies. I am truly sorry, I know I have issues to sort out and my silence is guilt in letting you down. I'm sorry.

------

Not sure what to say back, if anything. Nothing just yet that's for sure. Unless I leave it 30 days since I wrote the "I've broken up with you letter". Do you have any advice for me on this? I have missed him terribly I must say and have learned a lot about myself and my life in the process of this. I can see that's not an invitation from him but an apology. I would like him in my life, somehow. He won't use me as a FB.

Hug,
C; March 25, 2014 at 6:12 PM
Anonymous said...: C continued...

Although he says "there is nothing to say..." so it is his apology get-out-of-this-and-C's-Life-Altogether-text?

C; March 25, 2014 at 6:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Ps. I was wondering whether to send a message in a while (a week, or 30 days) like the one you posted on your blog with 'we must meet up soon' in it. Like, "I'm going for ice-cream on a weekend daytime at Joe's, if you'd care to join me" or something like that? As I would like to have a go at building it back into a friendship and taking it slow with him, whilst I date other men at the same time (this time) and learn what I've learned in this. As I've grown as a person through him so I think he is valuable to me.

C; March 25, 2014 at 8:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @C,
"Do you have any advice for me on this?"

I do have suggestions, but I'll warn you, you're not going to like them dear :-(

My suggestion is...leave this be. Accept the reality that lies before you and move on dear. He's not ready for a relationship and he's told you this. You have to accept that you cannot control this situation dear and that nothing you do or so can change it. If he's not ready and he doesn't want a relationship, you can't make him be ready, and you can't make him want one dear. And the only thing you can do is accept it and part ways.

There's an old saying, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was." If you love him dear, set him (and yourself) free here. If he comes back to you some day, then you deal with it then. But you have to let that happen. Trying to scramble new ideas or proposals into action or trying to control the situation in some manner dear, trying to make things happen, trying to make things work...it's only going to deplete and exhaust you.

"I was wondering whether to send a message in a while"

If he cares, HE will come back to YOU - when he's READY. Again, trying to control the situation by attempting to force things to happen won't work because - this man isn't ready dear :-(

"I would like to have a go at building it back into a friendship and taking it slow with him"

You're not going to be satisfied with a friendship and you know that, and I understand that. But the reality is, if you do that, you're going to torture yourself. You're going to be trying to pound a square peg into a round hole - you're going to be trying to take a man who isn't ready and doesn't want a relationship - and you're going to be spinning your wheels attempting to convince him into one. That's not taking it slow dear, that's actually trying to take control, ya' know? Trying to control the situation to see if you can contort it into what you want - you won't be wanting to settle for friendship, you'll be wanting to spend time with this man, you'll be wanting to talk with him regularly, you'll be wanting to see him - and you'll be torturing yourself in the process ya' know?

"As I've grown as a person through him so I think he is valuable to me."

I understand that dear - but - YOU have to be valuable to HIM as well. And you need to give this lots of time and space - months not weeks - to see if he discovers that you ARE valuable to him. And you need to let HIM come to YOU dear, and you need to see if that happens. And in the meantime, you do your best to move on with your life, away from him, without him, and on your own. Start spending time with friends, going out, doing things you love, picking up an old hobby again - and dating other men when you're ready. I know it's easier said than done, I've been there...but take each day one day at a time, breath deep and exhale when you feel anxious, and just get through each day dear in baby steps. And before you know it, you're living again and feeling good again :-); March 25, 2014 at 10:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thanks for your reply message. I really appreciate it.

Do you think his silence in not ending it, and not calling me 'a couple of days later' and saying he promises we can meet soon' then going going M.I.A. (Missing In Action) to not even tell me that it's over, means that he lacks respect for me, saw me as 'aggro' the first sign of an issue, and ultimately is Just Not That Into Me?

Just Not that Into Me on top of bigging the whole thing up too much making big promises he couldn't keep, that he is not only feeling guilty but so embarrassed about that, he can't see a way for us to be in each others lives now as he believes I have expectations?

So you wouldn't recommend I reply to his sorry text, just to let him know how disappointed and betrayed I felt, and how our first issue of him calling me 'aggro' which shocked me, well, his silence way outweighed that and added to my own problems in life in a much bigger way by causing confusion? I could never say I could never hurt you but I was always on your side. And that I can only conclude through all of this experience of going silent and not discussing it with me, I wasn’t even a friend to you never mind anything more.

And then leave it be. But just so he knows how bad I felt and it wasn't just all about him?

C; March 26, 2014 at 8:19 AM
Anonymous said...: It was him that went at 100mph and the first issue he then called it 'aggro' and he was then turning the tables on me saying he wanted to take it slower then.

C; March 26, 2014 at 8:20 AM
Anonymous said...: I just don't understand how he could have 'let me go' in this way with a text response like that saying there is nothing more to say, when we hadn't even discussed it in the first place. Ughhh. Take care, C; March 26, 2014 at 8:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @C,
"So you wouldn't recommend I reply to his sorry text, just to let him know how disappointed and betrayed I felt"

No dear - you've already done that.; March 26, 2014 at 8:57 AM
Anonymous said...: I didn't use the words disappointed and betrayed before, I said "not nice, not fun, and a bore" (which was WAY too nice on how I REALLY FELT).

I can see already this situation is doing my head in :-)

He clearly can't respect me through all of this.

C; March 26, 2014 at 9:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Pressed publish too soon.

I guess I have to conclude it shows that he does not respect me, value me and is just not that into me in anyway. If you disagree with me Mirror, please let me know.

Thanks for your valuable time in helping me understand this better.
C; March 26, 2014 at 9:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @C,
"I guess I have to conclude it shows that he does not respect me, value me and is just not that into me in anyway."

No dear - you have to conclude exactly what he's signaled to you...that he's not READY for a relationship.

A woman can be the best woman in the world BUT if the guy isn't ready for a relationship and doesn't want one...then there's nothing that can change that until he's ready.; March 26, 2014 at 12:37 PM
chk61 said...: Totally agree with Mirror's advice to C. It isn't worth telling a guy how you feel, a guy you cared for who has told you directly or through his actions has let you know he's not available for a relationship.

C wrote: "Thank you for your letters. There is nothing to say other than my deepest apologies. I am truly sorry, I know I have issues to sort out and my silence is guilt in letting you down. I'm sorry."

As Mirror said, you should not contact him again. In my opinion, he will respect you MORE if you disappear and do not contact him in any way, shape or form. His silence is "guilt" and guilt usually doesn't bring a man back and it's not a good foundation for a relationship.

He may contact you in 30 days, 90 days or a year...(or never)...but you absolutely should NOT contact him any further. It's difficult for sure and I struggle with this still but I am VERY glad I stopped contacting my D.M. I know that if he cared about me he would eventually contact me. The last contact was October 2013. Oh and an accidental glance at his online dating profile in November - ooops. At this point I'm not holding my breath and doing my best to continue moving on - while continuing no contact.; March 26, 2014 at 3:13 PM
taurus89 said...: I've been seeing this aquarius guy for about 7 months and recently he said he needed some space to sort some things out with himself and that it wasn't anything to do with me. I don't think ive ever felt so in sync with someone before and he was the first to admit it. So I left it all to him to decide what he wanted. I didn't hear from him for a few weeks, but then he came back emailing and texting me all this random things to try and strike up a conversation. I didn't respond straight away and it worked cas he kept texting and then called to see me but I was already busy so couldn't meet up. He just text me today again saying that he did some stupid things to fill the void and that if I wanted to catch up oneday for coffee to let him know and take care. What does this mean? Stupid things...Also should I set up a catch up or let him and just say its up to him? I think im paranoid but the take care and one day sounds like a farewell off in the distance thing, has he chased enough?; March 27, 2014 at 4:17 AM
Anonymous said...: hi @Mirror and @chk61,

I appreciate reading both of your responses.

After reading, I lay on the couch for a couple of hours, no music, no computer on, just gazing into the room, with a glass of red wine, that I topped up now and then, as I pondered - with no technical interruptions.

I then decided to agree with you both. I will NOT respond to his text. You caught me just in time as well because I nearly did reply to him….bloody good job I got your messages in time.

If I reply, it would be a) easily accepting his odd/unkind/heartless behaviour where him going MIA totally affected my business productivity levels and unhappiness for three weeks solid in dragging it on like that. It's natural reaction worry in these situations, especially about a person you're very fond of and have feelings for and for 80% of the relationship really loved and was happy in.

Secondly, by reaching out to him again communicating back, it's like hanging onto the relationship for dear life. And it was making me unhappy. So if he doesn't want me in his life, well, as the prize, I won't be moving further towards him, but instead, further away.

Finally, he maybe only apologised to me in the first place, as he felt guilty because of my letter. His apology, whilst remorseful with three apologies in it, is not enough to warrant a response after going MIA without finishing the relationship properly, if that's what he wanted to do. To grant him a pardon at this stage, wouldn't be right as what he did with his in-actions, cost me dearly with my heart, health and loss of making as much money etc etc.

But, I have been thankful to at least receive the apology. A lot. It has meant a lot to me. But it's personally for me and I don't need to share that thankfulness with him at this moment.

Going on his actions (or in-actions rather of going MIA), then, I do not envisage him getting him back in touch in the future however. Certainly not within the next few weeks. However, IF he ever did, I'll be sure not to go MIA myself and report back and let you know disappearing man, reappeared and I'll handle it all then. :-|

Thanks girls, Virtual hug to you all.

C; March 27, 2014 at 11:46 AM
Anonymous said...: -Confused-

It wasn't easy, but I made it through 30 days of No Contact. On day 24 he sent a text saying "Hey," to which I didn't respond because I'm adopting the mindset that if he really wants to talk to me, he will call and start a conversation. And since he hasn't, then he shouldn't expect for me to take him seriously when he comes back and tries to resume as if nothing happened. He's sent feeler texts before just to tap me and then not responded once I reply, so why bother? After more than 3 weeks of not talking, that's what you come back with?

I was getting to my wit's end with this back and forth disappearing/reappearing cycle, because it was confusing to me...I'd rather him be all in and serious or leave me alone if he wasn't. But now I've learned that it's up to me to block him from bouncing in and out whenever he wants and still being able to my attention as if he hadn't fallen off of the face of the Earth. A few weeks ago I would have been all over that scrap of a text, but I know that's not enough for me.

I'm more peaceful after undergoing NC in that I'm no longer shouldering the burden of trying to progress things forward. Now that I've stopped chasing, he can take however long he needs to figure out what he wants and then make a serious go of getting in touch with me again should he so chose. I feel like I'm going to be way more prepared after everything I've learned during this period of time. Thanks, Mirror!; March 27, 2014 at 12:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and ladies,

@ Mirror

Mirror, thanks for your funny suggestions for verbal ping pong. I would need to hear your voice in my head during such conversations because, quite frankly, I have never excelled in them. (-:

@ Gemini50

Thank you for your kind, supportive words. Don´t worry, I am confident now that I am over this man. Maybe subconsciously I accepted his invitation to test myself and see if he still had any power over me. And I must say that I am proud of myself because, as I wrote in the previous post, I think I am able to accept him the way he is - a bit silly, not seriously interested in me, a bit disrespectful, not offering anything but an occasional bike ride and a conversation over a cup of coffee. And regardless of all this I can say to myself "so what?", which feels wonderful as I have never been capable of such an attitude before. From this perspective, this man has helped me a lot. So I agree with you that people cross paths for a reason. And by being "friends" I simply meant a bike ride from time to time, nothing "serious".

@ Mirror

Oh, Mirror, one question for you although you have talked about it already. I have been corresponding with a man - another one, I´ve stopped counting them as our "dating" usually starts and finishes on the dating site - and he wrote to me that he is interested in a long-term, serious relationship, possibly marriage, but he is "gathering energy" for a new relationship. What do you think of this? Would you respond to him? Because it sounds like he is ready for nothing with me, not even a bike ride. What do you think? Many thanks for your reply.
Hopeful; March 27, 2014 at 2:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @taurus89,
"He just text me today again saying that he did some stupid things to fill the void and that if I wanted to catch up one day for coffee to let him know and take care. What does this mean?"

Not sure, but it sounds somewhat like a ploy to me - to get you to contact him, kinda' like a little game. Meaning, "She won't respond. Hmm, what can I do? I know! I'll make some cryptic comment to her about doing some stupid stuff while she was gone - and it'll drive her nuts wanting to know what I got into - and she'll call me."

That's kinda how that's coming off to me and I don't think I'd fall for that one.

"Stupid things"

Yea...like you're going to blow up the phone of a man that's admitted he's doing stupid things while you're gone, LOL ;-)

"has he chased enough?"

He asked for "space" so me being me - I'd give it to him, LOL. I don't think he's done enough here and the few attempts he's made are somewhat lame and not very "serious" in nature.; March 27, 2014 at 5:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"he wrote to me that he is interested in a long-term, serious relationship, possibly marriage, but he is "gathering energy" for a new relationship. What do you think of this?"

You can see where it goes, if anywhere for a week or two, however - I wouldn't hold out much hope for this one. His use of this terminology to describe where he's at right now "gathering energy" signals that he feels exhausted, depleted and considers dating hard work...of which he doesn't quite sound prepared to do yet, LOL.

"it sounds like he is ready for nothing with me"

I don't think it's just you dear, I imagine he's that way with everyone and honestly, one has to wonder....what's this man even doing attempting to date right now? Because if you have to "gather energy" to the extent that he sounds depleted...you should do that on YOUR OWN time - and not bother wasting anyone's else's in the meantime ya' know?

I'm not quite sure this man's ready to enter the dating arena. He sounds like he's going to enter it prematurely, without thinking this through, without knowing what he really needs and wants to get from it...and he's most likely going to waste a lot of women's time and possibly break a heart or two along the way....due to 1) his indecisiveness and 2) his mindset signaling he's not ready (because dating does require work and you do have to work at things - if you want them to actually work).; March 27, 2014 at 5:54 PM
Anonymous said...: To @taurus89

Hey, sorry to hear your guy said he wanted space for a while. This happened to me. He said a couple of days space and then eight day later nothing so I broke up with him. Basically space/couple of days off, whatever they want to call it, is a break up.

My friend's husband said he wanted to leave, well suggested it, for a week, two weeks, a few months, he didn't know, but at the end they would circle back. She said no. She said if you go, you go for good, if you stay, you stay. I am not having the time out and having no idea where you are or what you're up to. She said you know what I am like after all these years.

At that moment, he stopped packing his pack. The fear in him of her never letting him back into her life was too much for him.

You know, when my guy said 'a couple of days' and I told my married 60 year old friend who's divorced twice, she said: did you say, let's call this what it is, a breakup?

I said no, as at the time I had not realised it WAS a breakup, which it turned out to be. I ended it but it was probably him as he never circled back within 8 days, so God knows if he ever would have. Probably not.

Anyway, those 8 days were painful for me. Very painful. Not knowing what was going on.

You know the next time a guy asks for space what I will say to him? Something like what my friend said to her husband. Hell the guy can go on vacation for one or two weeks. But we're either together and caring about each other, or we're apart.

I am not putting myself through that again. The 'oh yes, no problem' - said with sympathy.

The next time a guy tells me he is not SURE if he wants a relationship too? I'm gonna run in the opposite direction. That'll change his mind.

I'll give you an example. I remember reading a book and it said the divorced man pulled back saying to the 40 year old spinster he didn’t know if he wanted a relationship and wasn’t around that weekend either. She just said: I’m going away for the whole weekend with Sandra. We’re going to so and so. Can’t wait. He then responded with: OK I’ll see you on Monday night then?" They are now happily married. She switched it back to her at a CRUCIAL moment. Get that wrong and he turns into Houdini, a disappearing man.

Hope that helps. Wanted to share it with you.

Let him CHASE after YOU again and come get the PRIZE, after all the damage he caused in your heart too I'll bet.

That's my two cents worth.
C; March 27, 2014 at 6:03 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror

Thank you for the reply. I agree with what you are saying. We have only exchanged a few e-mails and I have already started to have that unpleasant, frustrating feeling that everything is on my shoulders. You are right, he doesn´t seem to have any initiative to date anybody. I´ll let him go.

Have a nice day,
Hopeful; March 28, 2014 at 11:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
We've discussed this topic before - technology destroying reality and replacing it with fantasy and instant gratification expectations:

"What Porn and Social Media Have in Common:"

http://time.com/39019/what-porn-and-social-media-have-in-common/

"Porn has changed our view of sex. Now the online world is skewing our expectations for relationships...People watching porn have come to make that their expectation. They think, “That’s what sex is. That’s what sex should look like...it’s created this desire in us for something that is a fantasy. It’s not reality."

AMEN, LOL ;-); March 28, 2014 at 11:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
A lil' pick me up ladies: http://youtu.be/DWuwKgfNiDU

The lyrics are spot on (hell, they could even be used for those moments when you want to react emotionally to a DM, but aren't quite sure what to say, LOL ;-)

"Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you're gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin' to do
It's up to you, yeah you

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin'
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin' at fools like me
Who in the hell d'you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Ev'ryone come on

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Ev'ryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear. . ."

Another AMEN, LOL; March 28, 2014 at 12:19 PM
Anonymous said...: It's good to see there are some positive messages out there in the world filtering through i.e. the song Mirror has posted.

Just wanted to share something I read the other day too, it was in a newspaper and a model who is now dating a former love cheat (who she says he is a changed man) is making him wait for 3months for sex and he is apparently ok about it. I think good for her and it's good to see this kind of thing in the media as it sends out a good message to women that you should protect yourself, value yourself and make the man wait and don't be afraid of losing the man coz you're worth waiting for :); March 28, 2014 at 3:24 PM
JD said...: MOA, I saw a pic a guy posted on FB and it has a man dressed in a suit holding a glass of alcohol in it and it says: CHASE YOU? BITCH I DONT EVEN CHASE MY LIQUOR.

What does that exactly mean? Aside from the profanity? That a man doesn't want to put in work bc he thinks he's too good or if you're coming on strong he won't chase you?

But in REALITY a man will go after a woman he wants, right? It just kinda made me SMH when women "liked" the pic and even commented by agreeing or laughing!

Confusing.; March 29, 2014 at 2:08 AM
chk61 said...: A good friend, who has been supportive through this D.M. situation, referred to my D.M. today as a "lothario". I knew what it meant but just to confirm, I looked up the definition.

The first one that came up was:

- a man who behaves selfishly and irresponsibly in his sexual relationships with women.

(yup, that would describe what I experienced)

then:

- a man whose chief interest is seducing women

- a man who obsessively seduces and deceives women.

I think this describes my D.M. pretty well. Although I do think when he falls in love and is in a relationship, he doesn't do this. But he seems to be doing it online....getting back at the last three women who dumped him.

I also realized: I am an addict. I am addicted to the memory of my D.M. I confess, I regularly look for updated photos of him on the internet. I realize this is not helpful. I get my fix and then I just get on with my day. Yet just like any addict, recovery is one day at a time. Today, I felt an incredible urge to send him an email. Just a friendly, shoot the breeze, hey, how are you, non-anything kind of greeting. Why? Because I still cling to a fantasy that he cares for me...that he wasn't "ready", and maybe he is now? Ah, all these thoughts that run through my mind daily....are grasping at straws.

I've been strong. I haven't called. I haven't emailed or texted. I haven't spied on his online dating profile (that he could see anyway). One day at a time. Will I fall off the wagon? Don't plan to.

My friend wrote: "I hope you can find a cognitive behavioral therapist to help you kick that lothario out of your brain." I've been to several therapists in my life and while they are helpful, for me it is a process. I don't believe a therapist is going to knock sense into me. It is up to ME to knock sense into me.

I confess, I found a new photo of him today that was taken last night. *sigh*. I got my fix, felt sad, and then posted a new photo of ME to my online dating profile. I know he's still out there, he exists, "so there he is" in that new photo. Whatever. There are other men in the world. A man I connect with on all the important levels is hard to find, but it will happen. It's just a matter of time. I have faith.

One day at a time. One day at a time I don't contact him. Someday I will meet someone else, someone WAY better and he will be moved into the dusty cobwebbed area in my memory of men who disappeared, didn't work out, or otherwise are not present in my life.; March 29, 2014 at 11:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61
While I'm not a professional here, and I do understand how you feel...I'd like to kinda try to point something out to you, in the hopes it will help. So let's just explore this, your behavior, for a sec. Reading your comments I see lots of things you're doing, behaviors, that REINFORCE this DM in your mind.

Things like checking for new photos, keeping him in your thoughts daily, possibly day-dreaming to an extent about him, etc. Those are all reinforcing behaviors of sorts. They reinforce the ideal image of him in your mind and they reinforce negative thoughts about yourself in your mind and they reinforce a suspended state of "loss" in your mind. I can tell you'd like that to stop, you don't like feeling this way and I understand that. But as you stated, you're in control of what's going on in your mind. Which then begs the questions...

What are you doing to reinforce letting him go? What are you doing to HELP yourself move past him? And what are you doing to help reinforce a new future for yourself?

The behaviors you're doing right now all reinforce and work to validate a "I don't deserve to be loved" type of mentality, whether you realize that consciously or not. It works something like this. Deep down, you may feel you're not worthy. And when we hold subconscious thoughts like that, without realizing it, our brains and our minds then turn to seeking out "validation" for that state of being - reinforcement for it - to the point of becoming a self-fulling prophecy. So if subconsciously you don't feel worthy of love, your brain goes on the hunt for validation of that. And you then turn to these behaviors that reinforce that "unworthy" emotional state. You look at pics and say, "See, I'm right, he doesn't care about me." You wait for the phone to ring, holding him in your thoughts, and when it doesn't, your brain says again, "See, I'm right, he doesn't care about me, I don't deserve to be loved." And it just goes on and on, seeking validation for that state of being and then reinforcing it once it's received. And this cycle can become so destructive that even very minor non-relating things become processed by the brain to align with your emotional state of being. If you make eye contact with a man in public who doesn't return that, it may mean absolutely nothing...it may simply mean he didn't notice. But your brain will again check off another box and process that event as more validation of "unworthiness" and use it to reinforce that, again and again and again. Thus, becoming a self-fulling prophecy.

The Law of Attraction works in much the same way - only reverse. Because the key is when the emotions align with the thoughts...belief...is what makes it manifest into reality. And all these things you're doing are reinforcing that negative process, providing validation and reinforcement, then seeking even more of it out, and manifesting it into your reality via the method the brain processes the information received - to align with your emotions, solidifying the cycle because it feels comforting eventually....to receive that validation and reinforcement.

What I'm trying to say here dear is that if YOU do not FORCEFULLY cease seeking out validation and reinforcement for your negative emotional state about this DM....you're going to create a self-fulling prophecy here for yourself. You're going to begin to live in this negative emotional state, it's going to keep you from meeting another man, and your brain is once again going to receive validation and reinforcement for the "I'm not worthy" state of being.

Cont...; March 29, 2014 at 11:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: You're already comforting and reinforcing yourself in this cycle without even realizing it. Because in many of your comments here, there's a repeating theme that you keep stating to yourself as fact - and that is this - "a man I connect with on all the important levels is hard to find." You've stated that here time and time again. And while yes, we all feel that way on some level....you don't see many of the other women here constantly telling themselves that and reminding themselves of it, ya' know? But you do, you've repeated this several times and if you continue to carry that statement around with you as "fact" - your brain is going to continue to seek more situations like that out - to validate and reinforce it. So if you walk around all day long telling yourself how hard it is to connect with someone....then that's EXACTLY what your brain is going to seek out...more situations where it's hard to connect with someone - thus becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because like attracts like and without even realizing it, our brains seek out things that are "like" our thoughts and then uses those things to validate and reinforce MORE of those situations.

Instead of carrying this thought subconsciously "a man I connect with on all the important levels is hard to find." You need to reverse that and carry this, "I will find a man that I connect with on all the important levels." And then you need to cease seeking reinforcement for the negative aspect (stop with the DM), and let your brain start to seek out validation for that NEW subconscious thought instead - leading you into situations that align similarly with that - into situations where you can meet a man you connect with.

If you don't FORCEFULLY attempt to cease the performing the reinforcing behaviors that validate those negative thoughts deep within your subconscious dear....you're brain is only going to continue seeking out more situations that reinforce it.

I actually just heard a behavioral therapist that's working with the families on the missing Malaysian flight discuss this very topic - because there are factions of family units for the victims that are caught in this loop right now. He's working with 3 families that have decided to move on and accept the grim reality that their loved ones are never coming back. Those families do NOT follow the story online, the rumors, the debris sightings - NONE of it. They've completely removed themselves from the "noise" so that they can heal.

However, the rest of the victims families are not doing that. They are caught in an emotional loop of sadness and grief and suspicion of the Malaysian authorities. Those families are GLUED to the news, the rumors, the debris sightings, etc. and each time new reports break....those families then use the new report to reinforce their suspicion of the Malaysian authorities. No matter what the new report says, their brains are using the new information to reinforce their suspicions of the Malaysian authorities...whether it directly relates to the authorities or not. They are looking for someone to blame, they've nailed the blame to the Malaysian authorities, and every new report they receive, they use it to validate their suspicions of the Malaysian authorities, whether it has anything to do with them or not. And it's holding off the beginning of their emotional healing and recovery period. It's keeping them suspended in anger and grief and it's escalating as a result.

Cont...; March 29, 2014 at 11:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Now, while they may have valid concerns, the therapist points out a very valid point. It doesn't matter WHO is to blame. The real issue here is that their loved ones are gone, and they need to begin the grief recovery process. Even if the Malaysian authorities are to blame - it doesn't change the fact that these families need to begin the emotional recovery and acceptance process in order to heal and accept their new reality. And in order to do that, they need to ignore the "noise" around them. Much like you need to ignore the "noise" online about your DM if you want to begin to heal, ya' know?

Again, I'm no professional here, but when I listened to that therapist speak, I knew the concept, because it's much like how the Law of Attraction works - how the brain seeks validation and reinforcement for it's subconscious thoughts and in doing so, leads you to MORE of those things, situations similar to those thoughts....both concepts feed into one another and the human brain works the same in both - only it's reversed - one is a negative example and one is a positive one.

I hope that makes sense dear. Just some food for thought. Really try, I mean really try, NOT to reinforce negative thoughts about the DM dear. As you said, it's one day at a time. So why not try this. Why not challenge yourself to not look at anything online about the DM for 3 days. Once you get to the third day, challenge yourself for another 3 days - and then rinse and repeat - until you're 14 days without reinforcement. And just keep going like that dear, challenging yourself to not seek out that validation and reinforcement - one day at a time.; March 29, 2014 at 11:55 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror. See, why go to an expensive therapist when I have you? ;-)

I get what you are saying about the negative reinforcement. I do often say or think affirmations in the present tense: "I am with a man who treats me well and who I connect with and am attracted to." "I have financial security and a beautiful home". I have read that if you say or think these thoughts in the "future" tense then it is not as likely they WILL happen. If you say or think them as already happening, then your brain/mind makes the switch. True, if I keep letting the D.M. get in the way then this will certainly cancel out my attempts to change my mindset.

Your advice is really good with an actual plan. So I already blew it for today but tomorrow can be day ONE of no online looking. That is VERY good advice, and something I can have goals to work towards. So tomorrow is day ONE. I have a lot to do and this will definitely save me time, both mental and physical!; March 29, 2014 at 12:21 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror

Mirror, I love your reply to Chk61, the way you explained in-depth what our mind does to us and how to change the "wrong" patterns of thinking. That´s why heart-broken people have always been advised to travel or change their usual routine to deviate the mind from the original thoughts and force it to focus on different things and start new thought processes. So maybe a holiday in a new place would help Chk61.
Hopeful; March 29, 2014 at 1:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Bravo, Mirror!

Your last three posts about the brain seeking out validation for subconscious thoughts describes me to a tee, and I had no idea until I read them.

I want to stand up and cheer; March 29, 2014 at 1:54 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Chk61 and Ms. Mirror, I appreciated reading your last writings.

Chk, putting your truth out there shows strength in your weakness – keep going! I agree with Ms. Mirror’s suggestion of “flipping the script,” and understand how hard it is to do when we believe there may be a possibility of getting back with a man we felt perfect with. But taking care of ourselves is about practice, right?

I agree with Ms. Mirror’s suggestion to stop looking at your DM online. It’s not doing you any good.

When I was recently stuck, Ms. Mirror said that I needed to find my happiness in myself, not through others. She suggested I was needing the approval of men to validate/complete me.

I didn’t agree. I really don’t give a flying F what anyone thinks of me…. So I just wasn’t agreeing with Ms. Mirror, and let it roll around over and over until:

When I looked within, I realized I felt empty inside. And I realized it wasn’t MEN, but ONE man that I choose to share my life with that makes me feel complete. It wasn’t as though I felt a cavity inside of me and pulled up to the man-pump for a fill; it was more of me feeling complete when I was sharing life with a man. And I realized that this is where the pain and addiction comes in after a break-up.

So, slowly, I have grieved, felt the pain, and given myself time – not to jump back into finding another man, but finding and filling myself with me.

The ending of your post is very positive Chk: One day at a time. Addiction comes in all forms. Food and drug/alcohol addicts have shared with me that they sometimes take life one second, minute and hour at a time. Baby steps Chk. It’s just up to you if you really want it or not. (hugs); March 29, 2014 at 3:09 PM
Heidi said...: Mirror and Ladies,

Saw this quote and thought I'd share :

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it IS, rather than as you THINK it should be"

Happy Saturday to all; March 29, 2014 at 6:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
I'm glad so many of you found the response to chk61 useful - and then came here to post support for her by acknowledging that those words also helped them, which lets chk61 know that she's not alone in this :-)

And I hope that any men stalking this post (and believe me ladies, there are tons doing that secretly LOL) realize just how truly damaging rejection in this form can be. Yea sure, we all suffer rejection at different times in our life in our careers, families, outside activities, etc. But the difference with the disappearing man syndrome is the complete and utter lack of respect.

Rejection is one thing - but being dismissed completely without explanation and then quickly disposed of as if a piece of trash is a whole other issue. And it's one that does damage, psychological and emotional damage, and I don't think many men truly understand that because they experience their emotions a bit different than women. The male ego seems rather blessed with the ability to "deflect" (blame others instead of themselves) rejection better than women. Women tend to "absorb" it (blame themselves). Now granted, that's generally speaking so it won't apply to all that way, but you do see it many times. I've heard many a man, when asked where the lady in their life went, respond by saying something like, "Eh, she was crazy, I don't know what her problem is, I broke up with her." When the reality was that she dumped him. They tend to be better at sliding it off themselves (and onto the woman). But a woman does the opposite many times. She'll tend to respond with, "I don't know what happened, one minute he was fine and the next he was gone without a word. What did I do wrong? Why didn't he like me?" She completely absorbs the blame even if the guy was an idiot that clearly had issues. Again, this is generally speaking and won't apply to all situations, but you get the idea and you see it on this site a lot. The guy could've been a complete and total scumbag of a man and there's some poor woman at home beating the crap out of herself over him, ya' know? And that tendency creates a completely different dynamic in how each experiences the same exact situation.

So you fella's stalking this article - yea you, you know who you are LOL - please try to understand this and don't leave women high and dry like a coward. At the very least, explain your feelings to them respectfully and grant them some crumb of information about what's going on inside of you. Yea, you may have to experience some drama and some guilt in doing so, but that's life and no one said it was easy.

And fella's - if you don't do that, if you don't show a woman that simple form of maturity and respect - then don't complain about all the "effed" up women out there....because it's men like YOU that are CREATING them.; March 30, 2014 at 10:20 AM
Countrygirl said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; March 30, 2014 at 3:48 PM
Anonymous said...: --Met a guy in Jan. of this year. Pursued me. First date: Amazing. Immediately asked me out for the next night: it was a group date with a lot of his friends. All was well.
--First of Feb.: He calls me one night, I was busy with a work project. I told him I was working, he kinda got pouty, hung up on me and sent a text that said "Sorry to bother you". I told him he wasn't. This is where things took a turn: I felt bad and started initiating the contact with him so he would see that he was important to me and not a bother. At that point, it became ME initiating contact 90% of the time.
--I got tired of being the "initiatior", so I stopped. The week that I stopped, he waited til 8:30 pm to text me 2 nights, with one text saying "Guess I won't be hearing from you again today. Goodnight". Again, a "pouty' tone. THe next day he stepped up and texted at 5 pm asking "are you ok?" Either way, he got the hint.
--Due to weather/my travel schedule, we did not get to see each other for 2 weeks, but he sent frequent texts saying he missed me and letting me know I was on his mind.
--Where it all took a turn for the worse: The weather cleared up and my travel was over. We live an hour apart but I work in his town. I was on vacation that week but had to go in to do some urgent paperwork. I told him I'd be in town and would love to see him. He said he would try to be off work (he's a football coach, they were on spring break so it's not like he HAD to be at the office). He texts me at 6 pm saying he is still working. I say ok. I text him at 7 to see if he's free. He didn't respond so 15 minutes later I called him. He didn't sound happy to hear from me. I say as much, he gets mad at me and says I always act like that (and yes, there is truth to that, I had acted insecure with him in the past) and he hung up on me.
I called him back. We talk it out and I go see him. All was well and he treated me like a princess that night.
--2 days later he asked to see me. I said I'd love to. That day comes and we chit chat but he did nothing to solidify our plans. I text him and he said he would be free "soon". SO there I am in his town waiting and he does not reply to my texts. I finally say "Driving through your town now". And he says come over. He was "different".
He texts the next day, but after that he fell off the radar. I text him twice the next week but he seems very disinterested and does little to carry on the conversation.
CONT; March 30, 2014 at 6:04 PM
Anonymous said...: CONT

I finally say "screw it" not chasing him! He comes around this last Monday to ask how work is, I told him good. He then asked if I was ok. I said "never been better". He then went on to say "ok, sorry to bother you" and I told him "who said you were bothering me". He replied "IDK, haven't heard from me" and I point out I had not heard from him either, it works both ways. He went on to say "I don't feel like you truly like me". I asked him to elaborate and pointed out 10 different ways that I show him that I like him.

He never responded and I was pissed. So, the next day this is our conversation:
Me: No response to my question
Him; DIdn't know it was a question
Me: I asked you to elaborate and then wrote you a book.
Him: I thank you for all the things you do for me.
Me; Ok, well you have my number. I figure if you were still interested you would use it. I am not going to chase you.
Him: You haven't chased me
Me: And I am not going to. You have my number so you know where to find me.
HIm: Love on me.
Me: Kinda hard to love on someone who doesn't want to see you or talk to you.

Last I heard from him.

I sent a group text this last Friday with a picture from an event I attended and "accidently" included him. Then Saturday I shot him an apology for texting him. He replied "Ha. No problem. I enjoyed seeing you (in the picture). Me: ok, well, I am sorry. Have a good night. He said "Can I see you soon". I replied "I won't have any free time until late this week".

Never heard another word.

Is he interested? Will he come back around? Why ask if he can see me then not say another word?

And yes, to clarify, I CAN see where he would have doubts about whether I truly liked him as he said in his text. I definitely had a wall up while dating.. I did not jump at every opportunity to see him when he asked. I told him once he was free to see whomever he wanted (because he told me he kept his phone on silent at night because his friends blow it up all night), etc.

I know I HAVE to back off and allow him to come to me, but I am so; March 30, 2014 at 6:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 30, 6:04 PM,
"I told him I was working, he kinda got pouty, hung up on me and sent a text that said "Sorry to bother you".

That's rather pathetic truthfully - and very immature, manipulative and insecure of him. I wouldn't have been understanding of that, I would've been upset. If someone hangs up on you because you're too busy to speak at the moment - that's ignorance and inappropriate treatment...not to mention a completely inappropriate response from him.

"I felt bad and started initiating the contact with him so he would see that he was important to me and not a bother."

That's because he manipulated you into feeling bad when in reality - you' should've been mad - at him for how he treated you.

"Guess I won't be hearing from you again today. Goodnight". Again, a "pouty' tone."

And again - manipulative of him.

"I had acted insecure with him in the past) and he hung up on me."

So he hung up on you AGAIN - and then pointed out that you're insecure, all the while ignoring how insecure he is.

"Is he interested? Will he come back around?"

Only time will tell dear.

"Why ask if he can see me then not say another word?"

Because he's manipulative (and I think he's makes women feel bad with the "poor me" card so that they chase him down).

"I did not jump at every opportunity to see him when he asked."

People are busy and lead very busy lives and a man should be mature enough to understand and comprehend that. If he pouts like a little baby when he doesn't get his every way - that's his problem, not yours dear and it signals he lacks maturity, understanding and compassion for others....while he pouts like a baby and acts manipulative to get those very same things for himself. He sounds like a "taker" and not a "giver." Expecting others to give him the world while he hangs back, gives very little, and then hangs up and becomes manipulative when he doesn't get what he expects.

"I told him once he was free to see whomever he wanted"

I see nothing wrong with that either dear because - it's the truth. Each of us are free to do as we please. And in this case, there's no commitment in place - only dating - so it's even more true. He's insecure and immature dear....and he wants to be chased. He must be used to it because he's got it in his head now that if a woman doesn't chase, plead, beg and act desperate...she doesn't like him.; March 31, 2014 at 8:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Absolutely FANTASTIC piece on loneliness, self-awareness and "true" self by one of my absolute favorite speakers, Deepak Chopra:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/31/are-you-secretly-lonely-deepak-chopra_n_5044178.html

"The root of loneliness isn't the absence of other people but an inner absence -- you don't have a centered awareness of your true self. . .loneliness is the condition of feeling negative about your own company and therefore requiring other people to fill that inner lack."

"See your loneliness as a messenger letting you know that your awareness of your true loving nature has temporarily become clouded by thoughts generated by the ego-mind. As you become more accepting of your emotions, the need to hide how you're really feeling will drop away and you will find yourself relating to others from your authentic self. This self-love and acceptance is the basis of fulfilling relationships."

It includes:

Practices for Healing Loneliness
Meditation on the Heart Exercise

Enjoy ladies!; March 31, 2014 at 11:51 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm anonymous, March 30 6:04. Thanks MOA! Yes, I do think this man EXPECTS to be chased. He has made other comments while dating that led me to believe that: That first night that he told me "sorry to bother you", he also said "why don't you ever want to talk to me". I told him I talk to him all the time (in person and when he texts me).
I'm just being thrown for a loop here because I've never met a man who did these little pity parties to get me to feel sorry for him (or whatever his intent is)
within 2 weeks of dating he pulled the first episode, I took over initiating at that point, I pulled back 2 weeks later, he came around and he threw out the "are you ok", "guess I'm not going to hear from you again tonight", I came back around a little bit, finally took my wall down, let him in, and now here we are--he became distant and then when I texted him, it was "I don't think you truly like me" and another "are you ok". Then asking to see me but dropping off the radar again. I am absolutely BAFFLED.
Truth is, I guess he is not that into me, even though just a month ago it was all "baby, I miss you", "sweetie, when can I see you again", "I like you so much", blah.blah.blah. Truthfully, I can pinpoint exactly when it went downhill and that was exactly when I let my guard down and asked to see him for the first time ever. EVERY other time he had always been the one to suggest seeing each other (which we were doing 2-3 times a week). I guess at that point I became the "pursuer" and POOF!
It is what it is. I do very much think he is emotionally immature. He is 31, lives with 2 coworkers (men) in their mid 20's, had wrestling figurines decorating his bedroom, drives an old beat up car, nasty apartment, and while he has a great job, he just really doesn't have his life together. He also refers to himself as a "stud" and on our Valentines date he chose to snapchat with a buddy 30 minutes of the 45 minute drive, RUDE. When he noticed my dissatisfaction he accused me of pouting. He also makes jokes about how I should buy him this or that (knowing I earn more than he does). Something is just off with him.. I am done and moving on. Just wish I could UNDERSTAND.; March 31, 2014 at 6:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

So, after 28 days of NO CONTACT with the DM guess who called my phone last night at 10:30? Yes, thats right. I didnt answer and he didnt leave a message or text. Just to refresh your memory he left me sitting at the restaurant during my bday dinner so he could meet up with his new girl and I was also the one who asked if an aplogy was waranted after I unleashed on him and hit below the belt (I became the psycho he the victim).

I have a skip in my step this morninf because I DIDNT answer and I DIDNT call back. Several weeks ago I would have done both.

Not sure what he was thinking calling that late but I guess it wasnt too important as there was no message left. In hindsight, had I answered or called back it would have just been a pissing match all over again.

Going to sit back and see if he reaches out again (it puts a big grin on my face, gotcha sucker!) but in any case it doesnt really matter. I could never be with him after all the nonsense. In a way, I feel somewhat validated because I did beat myself up for being cruel and speaking to him the way I did but screw it. Its going to take a hell of a lot more than a late night call to ever even consider being amicable with him again.

Again, Thank you for your words of wisdom, I've come a long way.

- Feeling Stupid No More; April 1, 2014 at 8:42 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

C here from March 14, 2014 at 5:45 PM posted as Anonymous and March 25, 2014 at 6:12 PM (and other posts on the matter around that time).

I decided I needed the closure in words for my own empowerment. It was left so up in the air I was having difficulty moving on, because of the last time we got together (date 5) we got 'very intimate.' He didn't disappear right after as you recall, it was one week later he said he wasn't sure if he was ready but would call in two days.

Anyway. He called me on Sunday (as I'd initiated a text him that day to call me).

Things are crystal clear now. He just wants to be friends in time. He said the weekend he spent with me didn't feel right as he knows he is not ready for a relationship yet. He said he tried but it after the weekend he realised didn't feel right as he knows he is not ready for a proper relationship yet. That he enjoyed it but at times it felt claustrophobic. I imagine as that's because we were together Saturday lunch until Monday morning and we just went out for lunch on Saturday and Sunday. Whilst we were at his it was great for 24 hours but then I personally imagine he may have felt hemmed in in his own place as we didn't go out doing something entertaining or play games at his place - it was very much focused on talking to each other, kisses and hugs, drinking and eating and that's about it.

The following week we had our first issues and he never recovered from it and got cold feet.

On the phone call he said that he only feels good half of the week (didn't ask why, perhaps feels down for half of it) and that he is trying to deal with the past and take his new life forward. He said he is finding it difficult finding himself because he is having difficulty dealing with life as a Single Dad for three nights a week first and foremost.

He said he liked our Skype calls as he got to know me at a distance and it's all about introducing something new into his life.

However the Skype calls were OK but I can only remember 10% of the content given the sheer number of hours we did of them, they were ultimately a waste of time for me as it's the times we spent together in person, and the nice text messages he sent me, that sticks in my memory so then worth my time.

Anyway, I asked him to clarify what he meant by 'in time I'd like us to be friends'. He said friends. I asked: friends and then see if there's a mutual connection again for something more? Or, friends forever? He said friends forever.

He has not gone back on OKCupid. I do believe him. He said he doesn't want any more relationships. I was like yeah right, like when you're 60 and 70 you want to be alone, hardly! Maybe he said that as he knows I would like to marry and he doesn't again.

For some reason he is just not able to get over our issues or his own issues, yet, to see me as a potential future girlfriend even once he's dealt with his issues and sorted his divorce out.

So I got my answer. He does not see me romantically at all at the moment nor even in the future now it seems with his friends forever thing.

He asked if he could call me in a few weeks to see how I am but I said no as he isn't a man of his word at the moment and to have just left it the way he did, leaving me confused and unable to concentrate for three weeks, wasn't something I wanted in my life. So I told him to be free and that I was free now too and letting go.

Of course, if in a few months he does do a 180 degree turn, then I will eat my hat. I personally would have been up for being friends again as in meeting up without the physical for a while, when he'd sorted himself out, to see if we could rebuild it. But if he is just saying now, friends only forever, I don't see the point.

Continued...; April 1, 2014 at 8:46 AM
Anonymous said...: C Continued...

He told me on the call he still stands by everything he said to me, as he felt it at the time! In my head I'm like yeah whatever, that didn't have much weight did it if you're now saying friends forever. I asked him: You said we had great chemistry so why would you know now that we're just be great friends? He said: because of that great chemistry that's why I want to be your friend (weird).

He wouldn't tell me on this on a video call as he was 'too embarrassed' and he 'didn't want me to seduce him' (no I'm not doing naughty video calls LOL, he just thinks I'm externally good looking)

I felt sad after the call. Then happy to have been freed from it, know what's what and get closure. Yesterday I stayed in bed for four extra hours and felt crap all day and sad at the loss until I spoke with a friend last night for three hours. Today I feel much, much better. Happy to move on from it now rather than wonder. I feel more empowered that I know he is not coming back as boyfriend from what he has told me himself.

Lesson learned for me in being the first proper girlfriend of a man who is separated from his wife 6 months but in actual fact only three months away from when they both moved from the same home from living with each other. I'll try and never be the first Rebound Girl again.

If I get in that position again I will slow it down so that I am not giving a man access to me daily and there is more of an understanding up front first. I'll also not spend the first intimate together as a full weekend either.

C; April 1, 2014 at 8:47 AM
Anonymous said...: So I don't think he'll be back as a boyfriend and now that's given me peace of mind to move on. I don't think I ruined it by finding out the truth now either and it will be good for me. :-) Take care and thanks, C; April 1, 2014 at 9:06 AM
Anonymous said...: @ April 2 2014 8.42 AM and Mirror,

It's amazing and astonishing how 28-30 days really makes all the difference isn't it in the guy reappearing, it's like an internal body clock re-set clock/time.

C; April 1, 2014 at 9:07 AM
JD said...: Anony@April 1, 2014@8:46 AM

I must say that I've got respect for the guy because he actually verbally told you. Many men don't even say anything and fall off your radar. Believe him when he says, Friends.

MOA, can you touch on why we should not explain to the man that WE have made a choice....that our choice was to not waste any more time. From a psychological perspective...what does that do to them again?

I respect the MEN who can verbally say it. I'e had a DM who told me that "you have your life and I have mine" this was before making out LOL and although that's all we did. I have been totally fine with it. Because he was honest. Yeah I get a text from him once every blue moon. But there's no doubt a mutual respect for one another.

But when it came to that DM I have been so distraught over, I shouldn't take it personally should I? As there is something wrong with him, what issues he has...really has nothing to do with me.; April 1, 2014 at 7:11 PM
JD said...: MOA:

what do you think of this article?
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-explaining-reexplaining-disrespect-is-like-saying-im-open-to-negotiating-on-my-boundaries/; April 1, 2014 at 8:34 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear JD @April 1, 2014 at 7:11 PM,

"I must say that I've got respect for the guy because he actually verbally told you. Many men don't even say anything and fall off your radar. Believe him when he says, Friends."

I do not have respect for a boyfriend who says he will call me in two days and went off the radar for 8 days. I do not respect a man that even when I gave him a nudge 8 days later on text, again, he didn't call the next day, when he said he would on that very text.

He went off the radar to think about us two for two days and never bothered to tell me ages later he had made a decision or wanted more time.

It was the third time, three weeks later, when I gave a more elaborated nudge, he had the decency to say something.

So no, there's nothing to respect in this selfish behaviour of a boyfriend.

C; April 2, 2014 at 10:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear JD @April 1, 2014 at 7:11 PM,

I only read the first half of your post to notice there was more.

I would be interested to know why we should not waste our time explaining to a man too, from a psychological perspective but I think it's to do with you disappearing when they check back in. That those actions of us not blowing up his phone tell him.

I didn't blow up his phone though. I did contact him twice.

I hadn't realised my ex boyfriend saying he wanted a "a couple of days off" was a break up. If he'd said "give me some time off" I would have realised and left him to it.

I tried to stay strong with it for 8 days, but the more I spoke to friends about it, and the more I thought about it, I wavered from upset to OK and I thought, I need to find out what's going on here as I genuinely thought he was never, ever going to contact me ever again and that wasn't right.

I am personally glad to have had it verbally confirmed as I may have learned something in the feedback he gave me too and given me the closure I need.

I don't feel he would have come back, and if he did in like 30-60 days, which he could very well have, then, by then he would have still decided friends forever only anyway.

The whole thing has been very upsetting for me I have to say. I managed the situation as best I could being careful each time before contact that it was really the right thing to do.

The only thing I'd change would have been to send a sweeter nicer text like "Is everything ok?" - rather than being more forthright about wanting to see him the next day and sorry it was late notice.

I just think he is a coward and messed up at the moment and all that confusion in him filtered like poison into my own life causing me a lot of grief too.

The whole thing has spurred me on to go to the gym five nights a week though.

C; April 2, 2014 at 11:38 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for sharing the Negotiating on my boundaries article.

The more I get into crap with a guy, which always happen sometimes, your first issue right, the more I am starting over and over again with a new guy. I'm sick of it.

So part of me figures the next time I get in crap with a guy, the solution is silence, that 90% of the time, it will be silence. Seriously. I do my own head in when I hit a bad patch with a new guy where the patch goes out of control.

This has happened my last two boyfriends. Both were short (under two months), both still had ongoing issues with their ex wives!

Stay away from newly separated men ladies. Mind fu&ks.

C; April 2, 2014 at 12:06 PM
JD said...: At anony 10:20&11:30

I feel you. Yes it's not cool that he SAYS he will do something then doesn't. But I've learned you can't go on what they say..you have to line it up with actions. I don't care about what a man says anymore. I'm watching him. Just be quiet & watch lol. The more you talk about it to your friends and analyze it, the crazier you will get. BUT you've come to the right place. I urge you to read through the messages and MOA's responses. It will take time but the more you read, the more you will know & then the more you will understand. Oh and when I meant crazier I meant crazier in your thinking. It will drive you crazy. There are times where I will still analyze but I know it will take time.

Were you intimate with this man? I was and that's what's making it hard. But I take it one day at a time. Like MOA said it's not the rejection of telling a woman what you as the man really wants. But the act of just disappearing and leaving her hanging. And if he puts you through an emotional roller coaster, that's not cool. DM was like that and he still "checks-in" but I'm working on totally letting go. Cause if you want to be there, then be there. There's no inbetween.

But I've also learned you can't keep doing this insanity thing where you keep doing the same thing over & over expecting different results. So...it's best to just let them be. If they want to "ghost" you let them. I know it's frustrating & hard. I've learned you also have to start being accountable for your actions. When you know better, you do better.

For example, I would not sleep with that man again. If I did and I got hurt, it would be no ones fault but my own.
I knew better but didn't do better.

MOA: Regarding the DM I've expressed about, do you think there is something wrong with him? I mean 2+ years & no committed relationship. Clearly he's showing he doesn't want one & if he does it's not with me. One of my guy friends a while back told me not to be a "brat" about it and move on. So that means I shouldn't even bring up my discontentment? And this would apply to future men who try to do the ghost act.

If we as women are not pleased, we should not say anything but just keep quiet and not take action. Such as giving those "nudging texts" or phone calls. Another make friend told me either he is seen by women as not relationship material and not a good guy or he's not ready for one.

But there's nothing wrong with me, right?

Times I'm secure but I still get insecure sometimes. Is there EVER a right time to say anything though? As in talking about what each other's expectations are?; April 2, 2014 at 1:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"Regarding the DM I've expressed about, do you think there is something wrong with him?"

Maybe - maybe not. It doesn't really matter. HE doesn't really matter. You can't save him from himself and if you try, it'll only make you miserable. YOU are all that matters - YOUR happiness.

"So that means I shouldn't even bring up my discontentment?"

Confrontation only leads to war - a battle. As well, it opens you up to criticism on heavy levels because people generally tend to react to it with defensiveness. Confrontation is negative and solves nothing as most times, it only creates more pain and confusion and harsh interactions. Confronting someone is never going to change them - they are who they are - whether you tell them about it or not. And when they are who they are and you confront them, they only seek to bring you down (they view you as an adversary to conquer and destroy) and doing so, only opens you up to their criticisms of you.

If you are unhappy with the way you are being treated, confronting the individual is pointless and yield no results or only temporary ones. If you're unhappy with the way someone treats you - you don't talk about it - you DO something about it....you LEAVE and you remove yourself from their disrespectful treatment.

"If we as women are not pleased, we should not say anything but just keep quiet and not take action."

Well actually, you DO nothing - and THEN take action. Firstly, doing nothing, is actually doing something. But that "action" isn't verbal. Words are not actions - action is physical while words are just words. So you do nothing, and then the physical action you take - is leaving and walking away and removing yourself from the situation and the poor treatment.

Giving someone a verbal lashing does nothing - but create resentment, cause disrespect and presents you as an adversary (someone to defend yourself against).

"Is there EVER a right time to say anything though?"

Some say there is - but having been through what I've been through and learned, I say "Nah, don't bother."

Think about it. How many times have you ever heard this: "He treated me so very poorly and took me for granted regularly. But then I just sat him down like a child, gave him a good talking to - and voila'! He was a changed man from that day forward and he made his entire existence about making me happy."

Umm, never.

And if that has worked for someone, it's generally the "one in a million" example of success - it's the exception. Men don't like to be chided like children, no one does. And if you have to "instruct" a man on how you want to be treated...then he's most likely not worth dating anyways.

Because mature gentlemen (keyword gentlemen) KNOW how to treat a woman instinctually - they are SKILLED in the ways of women - and they don't need instructions. Mature men know the difference between disrespect and respect, they know ignorance from attentiveness, they know right from wrong - and they don't need to be "schooled" in it.

If you have to "school" a man on how to treat you - chances are, he's not a real man.

He's probably a selfish, immature man-boy that will never get it. Because in order for him to even understand what you're attempting to communicate, he'd have to place himself in your shoes and he'd have to try to understand you....and selfish, immature types simply do NOT do that. It's all about THEM, not about you. So they won't bother to think about you, think like you, or place themselves into your shoes - because they don't care about anyone but themselves. Which is why attempting to explain yourself away to men like that until your blue in the face is pointless. They don't WANT to think about YOU....because it's always only ever been about THEM.; April 2, 2014 at 4:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi @Mirror and @JD,

Yeah you're right I always do look at their actions more than words. Well, I at least make sure there are plenty of good actions too along the way with their words. But yes I remember their words too.

Anyway I guess this was weird as I've only had one disappearing man before. Now two. But the first one told me he was going off for proper space to sort himself out. Not like this one. So I guess I didn't know how to handle it comfortably in myself.

Now I've experienced both ways, I pray next time, after the actual real experience of it, that I will not doing anything at all and leave be totally and hope I never come across another man who will do that to me for that long ever again (8 or 9 days till I broke it).

Mirror is totally right about confrontation. I took a photo of that last post so I can re-read it and remind myself again if I get into this type of situation again. In fact, I will add it to my list of 'Next time a first issue or issue comes up - learnings and experience'. Last week I put together a list to refer to of what to do and not do. :-) The What Not to Do bits were things I'd done before that had not worked so that I should not repeat them :)

It's tough to do it I must say. There are a lot of immature men out there and as Mirror says they know full well what they're doing, especially if they start out really well that is.

I guess in the old days (150 years ago), the man never contacted daily before telephones. So they'd get space and the women would wait and they'd get a letter or a visit. More longing involved then :) Anyway as you'll have read, mine was a weird situation.

He certainly was a mind f*ck that's for sure.

Glad to get rid now and be done with it. The last thing I said to him I told him I didn't want to be friends after all this (which he wanted) so hopefully he won't have the guts to call me in a few weeks to see how I am as he'll be too embarrassed still. He is already highly embarrassed after all he said to me he said for letting me down. I said: "Be free "F", as I am now too and I'm so sorry it's come to this."

I'm sure he has already moved onto his next 'victim' maybe even.

I know one thing, now it's verbally agreed it is over, I won't be contacting him. I really am not that stupid now it's in verbal agreement. Even if a small part of me would like him in my life, but he's proven unreliable and not a man of his word at the moment so unless that changes (which it won't with me after all of this, I know that - unless he really is crazier than I thought), he can do one.

C; April 2, 2014 at 6:46 PM
Adriana said...: Hi Mirror,

I took your advice about not being friends with my ex since he said he didn't think we were compatible and I still had feelings for him. He was calling me pet names when we would hang out and you mentioned it was a form of emotional manipulation. I told him I didn't want to be friends since I still had feelings for him and needed to move on. His response was that he can't force me to be friends with him and to let him know when I was ready to be friends. He tried calling me yesterday but I didn't pick up. He texted me today saying that he's been thinking and he misses me and wants us to try dating again. I'm not sure how to proceed since I don't know want him to think we will just go back right away to how things were. I know he will try to sleep with me but I don't know whether to make it clear that's not happening until I know things are going to work out or just avoid situations where that might happen. I don't want to make it so easy for him after he was the one that said we weren't compatible. Do I ask him why he changed his mind? I haven't responded to his text yet since I want to wait at least 3 days as you usually advise. Thanks for reading and for your helpful advice. You are like a guardian angel to so many women on here. :); April 3, 2014 at 6:25 PM
chk61 said...: I agree with the confrontation issue. The experience I'm reminded of was with a female friend. Well, ex-friend. ;-( Over a period of time, she was treating me badly and I was scratching my head wondering why she was even spending time with me if I was causing her to feel such judgment, criticism and competitiveness (I realized later, it's her fear, doubt and insecurity about herself). We started out good but over 3 years, it just disintegrated. One fateful weekend, I couldn't take it any more and confronted her with what I would considered to be calm, diplomatic, "I feel" statements and man, she just came swinging back verbally with both fists and I had one of the worst encounters with a "friend" in my life. She verbally assaulted me in a loud, exasperated, angry tone with mean, judgmental words - things you do not say to a friend - and I will take that awful conversation to my grave. My jaw dropped with the intensity of her defensiveness, her need to lash out at me, and inability to listen to how I felt.

She had invited me to a resort town for a weekend, and proceeded to treat me like utter crap, with overt and subtle put downs - oneupsmanship left and right - thick tension in the air, yeah, FUN!. I left the next day and became scarce. She contacted me a couple of weeks later, saying she felt badly that we had lost touch and that she realized it had something to do with the weekend (Ya THINK???)...she apologized for "being a bad host". I realized she had very little insight into her own behavior and based on the way I had seen her lash out at other people, she had difficulty restraining her own emotions or taking responsibility for her behavior. I tried to be friends with her but since she never apologized to me in a heartfelt way. I continued to distance and our friendship essentially ended over the last 2 years. She lives less than a mile away and I dread running into her.

People who behave this way, do not "get" it when you confront them. It usually ends badly. As Mirror says, the best thing is to take action, by removing yourself from the person, with no words spoken.

I confronted my D.M. the last time I saw him...which was, unfortunately, right after our first time, er, consummating the relationship (ha, if you can even call it that!) Not a good time to confront but I could not believe what he had said to me. Again, ended badly. I should have just left, no words spoken, and disappeared.

To this day I want to tell him that it's not necessary to treat women the way he treated me. I want to provide him a tutorial on how to gently let a woman down without making her feel like utter sh*t. I want him to know that I did not deserve to be treated that way. But guess what? This guy is 47 years old. He is not going to change ALL that much....his wife left him, and his two girlfriends after that left him. He doesn't get it, and he's sowing his wild oats online, feeling what appears to be very little guilt or insight into his behavior.

I want to tell him that karma is a b*tch and his behavior today can come back and hurt him. But really, it would not do any good.

In my view, the only time to confront a man, one who disappeared or who otherwise treated you badly, is when (and this rarely happens, in my opinion) he comes crawling back months or years later asking for forgiveness. Then, after he has groveled at your feet (again, only really happens in the movies, at least based on my experience) and wants you back, you can then read him the riot act. But usually at that point, you don't care and don't feel like expending the energy to do so. ;-)

Otherwise, as Mirror so wisely teaches, keep your mouth shut, and disappear yourself. ;-) Poof, never to be seen again!; April 4, 2014 at 8:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Adriana,
"He texted me today saying that he's been thinking and he misses me and wants us to try dating again."

Careful dear - this guy's incredibly manipulative. He'll tell you what he thinks you want to hear to get his way, but that doesn't mean his words are true. They're only words and after he speaks them and gets what he wants, he can simply change his mind again - and then no longer want a relationship.

"Do I ask him why he changed his mind?"

You can do anything you like dear - but there's a high likelihood he'll simply lie and manipulate more.

I would ask him anything, and I wouldn't respond to him right now, and I wouldn't respond to him a week from now. I'd make him PROVE to me that he's genuinely interested by making him WORK at garnering my attention. Because if he's not genuinely interested, he'll make one or two attempts and then he'll disappear. If he is genuinely interested, he'll go the extra mile and do what he needs to do to make that happen. And then you'll have your answer :-); April 4, 2014 at 8:39 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and ladies,

Mirror, I so much agree with your previous answer on the uselessness of confrontation. My experience has proved your words many times in the past - not in the furure because, hopefully, I have learned the lesson. One question arises in this connection: What about working situations? One man, who is much younger than me and in an inferior position to me in my job has been disrespectful to me in a few meetings. For no reason, I always treated him like anybody else. He showed arrogance in front of the other employees who were present. In other circumstances he avoids me more or less. What would you advise to do in such situations? How should I behave? So far I have managed to ignore his unpleasant remarks and bossy tone, only once I told him off in a raised voice and red in the face I guess but still calmly. I am afraid that if he continues behaving like that I will lose temper sooner or later and thus become the "evil" one in the eyes of the others, as it usually goes. Oh, and I must add that our relationship is not close enough to seek him out in privacy and talk to him. Theoretically, it would be possible but I wouldn´t want to do it. What´s your opinion, please?

Thank you very much for your answer and have a nice, pleasant day.
Hopeful; April 4, 2014 at 11:12 AM
Anonymous said...: @chk61,

OMG that's when the guy in question for me had our first 'dodgy uncomfortable' chat too - the day after you know what!

You know. I've confronted twice now. Each ended badly. The second time I did it, I didn't make the SAME mistakes as the first but they were almost getting there. And the guy in the second had just left his marital home three months earlier so he was mucked up emotionally anyways and I do believe couldn't handle ONE thing that took him away from the fairytale, everything is ok ride, we were on, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it as I can't change the past.

That said, I do believe, even with my emotions, that I've got it now. It doesn't work so why bother. Not only does it not work, but by saying stuff, you then in your head have things to go over and over in your head again later thinking: "I wish I'd not say that, and if I'd not said that he may be still around, or, if I'd just disappeared would we still be together?"

So now I'm like. Don't be confrontational when your emotions are all over the shop and you have fear in you. or confrontational at all. And THEN if it didn't work out, at least you know it wasn't because you were confrontational so you have nothing to REGRET making the mistake again as it does your head in afterwards analysing it (mind f&ck I call it). That said, as Mirror knows, my situation was different to normal. He was running away from pain by being in a fairytale land with me, and it was the first sign of trouble and more pain - this time pain that I gave him for not returning his call and text for 24 hours post s&x where we hit our rock and never recovered --- but yeah I was confrontational a week later and it was because of that specific confrontation that he ended it. However, I am glad in a way as he wasn't ready for a relationship anyway, not a proper real one.

C; April 4, 2014 at 11:51 AM
Anonymous said...: So yeah, whilst my concluded how it probably should have at this point in time (A case of right people, wrong time? or wrong people in the first place that were found out...who knows)....what I would have liked is for it to have ended differently so that I didn't have anything to overanalyse and confuse myself over!! Not letting it get worse and worse and build worse over the week, but just gone silent and disappeared/been less available at times because then there is nothing that you did that you can criticise in yourself.

So even if it HAD ended another way, that'd been better, and it would most likely have been me ending it. Hope that makes kinda sense LOL.

C; April 4, 2014 at 12:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and Ladies

My friend sent this to me today from Eric Charles. It's ALL that YOU say and advocate. Said in a different way (given he's a bloke and a different human being LOL) but exactly the same.

Feel free to post with the rest if you like!

Eric Charles here and I want to talk about the biggest mistake women make in relationships, the one thing that I see over and over again that can basically screw you up from the start.

The other day, I was talking to a female friend who was feeling anxious and panicked over this new guy she started seeing. Things basically started out great and then he went out of the country for a few days and she hadn't heard from him since he returned.

She came to me desperate to understand what was happening, saying he was so into her in the beginning and she couldn't understand why he would just drop off like this. Like most of the readers who come to me with their relationship questions, she wanted to know exactly what was going on in his head and what she could do to fix it.

The problem is....you can't ever know. She was plotting and strategizing ways to control something that could never be in her control... ever.

Most women screw themselves over because they look at the guy's behavior in a specific instance and freak out about it. They then give off a bad vibe which spreads to him (even if you don't realize it) and it derails everything.

Let me ask you, what good has ever come from worrying and stressing about a relationship? None!

A much better strategy is to approach a new situation with the attitude of "I'm having fun and we'll see where this goes" and just take it as it comes. And you need to not care. I know it's hard, but the caring is what's messing you up. It's causing you to stress and get overly invested.

When you don't know how he feels about you, that's exactly the best time not to care. When you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how he feels about you... then care all you want

Worrying or wondering or caring about whether or not you're on the same page doesn't help... it's only going to lead you to a bad place.

Instead of investing time into the worrying, invest time into focusing on how destructive the caring is.

Here's something you need to realize. There is no satisfaction to be gained from playing emotional detective.

So why do we do it? It's because our minds convince us that there is some sort of pay-off for this obsessive thinking, that maybe once we find the solution we'll feel better and it will all make sense.

It doesn't work like that, you can never know what is going on in someone else's head and how they're feeling.

My friend did what most people do, she projected the way she was feeling onto the guy. While he was away, she thought about him constantly and was really excited for him to return.

Since the anticipation was building for her, she assumed he would reach out the second his plane landed.

However, his process could have been completely different. He could have been busy dealing with whatever he needed to deal with and wasn't thinking about the relationship because there was no time (and also no point since they wouldn't be able to pick things back up until he returned).

You have to break the habit of thinking you have any idea what he feels. You don't, and you won't. If you're seeing a guy and then he begins to fade away or vanish, you need to realize there was nothing more you could have done.

Cont..; April 4, 2014 at 2:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued...

Instead of worrying and analyzing, journal about your feelings and what leads you to this place of panic and desperation. Focus specifically on what thoughts, ideas and perspectives lead you to feeling like you're walking on eggshells or worried about things falling apart or changing and try to trace these thoughts back to their root.

Oftentimes when women come to me with their relationship questions, they're looking for some magical key that will unlock the door to understanding. And that just will never happen.

Actively journalling and tracing back the thoughts is that "key" and will help you identify negative patterns that may be blocking you from getting you the relationship you want.

C; April 4, 2014 at 2:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"What about working situations? One man, who is much younger than me and in an inferior position to me in my job has been disrespectful to me in a few meetings. . . He showed arrogance in front of the other employees who were present."

I've had these situations myself dear and while it's hard to tell you exactly what to say, here's what I try to do (and most times, without directly pointing out what they're doing, they "get" it anyway).

When dealing with folks like this, I calmly and somewhat quietly remain professional (non-emotional) and I stick to the facts, business only not personal, and I point out protocol while STRONGLY emphasizing professionalism. So these 3 things:

1) Calm disposition (strength and self-control, non-emotional)
2) Facts
3) Use of the word "professionalism"
4) Don't reward the bad behavior, minimize it by being a bit dismissive*

That last one is optional and only for a work environment where you're physically in the same space (and not online or working virtually).

So as an example, let's say he cocked off in a derogatory manner to you in a direct way, disrespecting your authority. You have to address that because if you don't, other employees who see him get away with this will begin doing the same. So let's just say he had an issue with...the way you did something.

I would respond, quietly and calmly by saying something like, "While it may seem to you that things should be done different, I as the Chief Marketing Officer (reminding him of your position), have put processes and protocols in place for a reason. And those protocols are as follows (give him the facts). If you believe you can offer suggestions for a better way of doing things, please do so professionally (call him out for being unprofessional) and I will be happy to consider them."

And then physically turn your back to him and immediately direct your attention elsewhere and carry on conversation with others (minimizing the situation and not rewarding it).

This works towards the "unspoken." Meaning, you're saying something - without saying a lot - you're not loosing your cool (signaling he can't push your buttons and get you to come off your game and unravel in front of everyone) and the quiet, yet firm, delivery of facts and authority - displays strength and professionalism.

Cont...; April 4, 2014 at 8:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Stick to the facts, work your title into the response, make use of the word professionalism and then immediately dismiss the event and continue moving forward...leaving him in a bit of a fog and maybe even a bit embarrassed and put in his place so-to-speak.

When done like that - he may think twice about doing it again (for fear of being reminded of his lesser authority within the company in front of his peers.)

Because if he's ego driven, which I think his boldness signals, he's competitive. And if he's competitive, he's going to go around challenging others (to compete) by pushing people's buttons and trying to get them to unravel in front of everyone so they appear weak and he appears stronger and more competent. Never come unglued in front of those types because they'll run with that like poison.

And don't ever engage him on his level, meaning do battle with him emotionally. If he's ego driven and competitive, he's well aware of how to emotionally manipulate others and he may even be testing you for that with this - testing your strength as an adversary to see who he's up against to gauge his future actions.

Lastly, if he's ego driven and competitive as I believe his behavior is signaling, chances are - he's also secretly incredibly INSECURE. Remember that dear - because THAT'S YOUR ace in the hole. He's trying to puff himself up here to make himself feel better, feed his ego and impress his peers - he's overcompensating (signaling insecurity). And the way that's your ace in the hole is this....reminding him of your position in the company, forcing him to face the facts, reminding him of professionalism and then not giving him the "spotlight"....will bruise that ego of his.

Now don't get me wrong here, I don't go around doing this on a daily basis at work - and I also get no pleasure from it when I'm forced to do it via circumstances arising. As a matter of fact, I generally suffer stress inside when doing so and find it all rather unpleasant and upsetting. I don't like having to put people in their place so-to-speak, but when being challenged, it's necessary and it's part of your job. We have to do what we have to do. We've got jobs to do and everyone has to work together - it is what it is and it's a dog eat dog world. Strong personalities WILL challenge you in work environments, you can't avoid that - you simply need to be prepared for them when they happen is all :-); April 4, 2014 at 8:31 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror
Thank you for the answer. As usual, I must agree with everything you suggest. And yes, I have a problem with putting him in his place because I fear that when I say something to him he will respond rudely and I will then lose control over myself. Also, frankly, I don´t know every single work related thing, there is some information I have to look up and he challenges me on that, too. But I think the most difficult thing is that I feel allergic to him, I really don´t like him as a colleague,a person and a MAN. In my eyes he is disgusting as a man, I can´t help myself. So it irritates me even more when I realise that I really haven´t welcomed him into my personal sphere, so to speak, and he forces himself there at all cost. I am going to practice your advice and hopefully, I will ger rid of him. (-:

Thank you again and have a nice weekend,
Hopeful; April 5, 2014 at 11:41 AM
Gemini50 said...: Well, ladies, I went to see Musician play last night.

GF had asked me to a couple weeks ago to go see a band with her. Because I thought Musician was married, I agreed to go with her if she first went with me (for an hour if things didn’t go well) to see Musician’s group play. She agreed.

Well, we got there and there was only a handful of folks listening – and via the chatter between them, they appeared to be regulars of the band. I didn’t make any gesture towards Musician when we were seated, but he saw me.

After awhile I had to go the ladies room and had to walk by the band playing. When I did, Musician was watching me and we acknowledged each other with a smile and quick little wave.

Oh boy. Not good. When I came out, a woman was up talking to him. I didn’t’ care; none of my business. But then as she takes a seat to sit with another woman in a booth not far from us, she is checking me out and giving me the stink-eye. I acted like I didn’t notice, and just enjoyed the music. GF noticed too and told me she kept looking over at us.

So these two were wives. After a few songs, wife 3 came over to us (she was NOT sitting with the other wives), introduced herself, told us of her husband playing, welcomed us, and asked about us, etc. She invited us to dance; I wouldn’t, GF eventually did -- which was fine.

We didn’t know if the woman giving me the stink-eye was a wife or girlfriend, so as GF and I chatted with wife 3, GF asked questions about band members, and we learned the woman was Musician’s wife.

Ok, cool. There was nothing wrong with me going to listen to the band, so I was good and didn’t feel guilty about anything.

When the band took a break, GF and I were curious to see what was going to happen. And again, Musician showed what a gentleman he was. He went over to his wife, sat with her for a bit, and then came over to me to say hi. No creepiness, no inappropriateness, he just came over to thank me for coming. I introduced him to GF, we chatted about our trips, talked about the music, and it was all very vanilla and upbeat – absolutely nothing inappropriate.

Then a couple guys that are not in Musician’s band, but played with them on harmonica and the bongo drums joined our conversation, along with wife 3. They were such a nice, normal, friendly group; and talking with Musician, I felt like I was catching up with an old friend (again – and just like on the plane).

We ended up staying a couple hours until they stopped playing. But the funny thing was, after playing a few songs, the harmonica guy comes back over to us and says, “So, what brings you two (our town) ladies to **?

continued; April 6, 2014 at 10:45 AM
Gemini50 said...: (continued)
I laughed, asking him how he knew where we were from (because I didn’t see the Musician chatting with him). He wouldn’t answer me. And we never answered his question. But he chatted with us for awhile, the bongo guy brought over a music box he using and showed us how it worked, and then later he brought over one of the bongos and invited me to play it with him and band.

It was a nice couple of hours, these guys were respectful, fun, older musicians just getting together in a public venue doing their thing -- and they welcomed us, which was very sweet.

GF got cards from harmonica and bongo guy with dates where they are playing with their bands, and they invited us to see them.

GF tells me the whole time when harmonica and bongo guy were talking with us, and when she was up dancing, Musician was watching me (I didn’t notice). He’s married, and I’m not interested in getting into any of that. The wife looks miserable and angry, she went up to Musician a few times, he was pasting a smile on his face with her, and she continued to watch me.

When the band was done, Musician went back over to his wife and sat with her for a bit, then joined the group of us (me, GF, a regular (Musician called him that), harmonica guy and bongo guy). He thanked me again for coming, he heard the invites from harmonica and bongo guys to us, where they were playing, etc., so he got into a discussion with them about future gigs, etc. And again, I felt like I knew him. It was odd. It was too comfortable, too easy, too familiar.

Then Musician’s wife came walking over. As she approached, I smiled at her and was ready to introduce myself, but she wanted nothing to do with me. She was curt to Musician, telling him where they were moving to in the bar, then turned away.

I didn’t look at Musician to see his expression; I wanted no part of it.

When I made a motion that we were ready to leave, Musician stood up, came closer to me, leaned down, shook my hand and I thought he was going to say something in my ear. He thanked me again for coming, told me he appreciated it, kissed me on my cheek, and said he hoped to see me again.

But it wasn’t creepy like. It was like old friends, yet it took me by surprise. I looked at him, thought about his angry wife, imagined what he was going to have to go through when he got home, and asked, “Really?”

He was standing straight, turned to the side, looked out into “wherever” for a few moments as if thinking about my question, then smiled, turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and said, “Yes.”

I sat back in my seat just looking at him. After he said, “yes,” he stood taller and had a resolve in his posture as he looked at me. Again, I felt the experience very odd… like, I KNOW this man.

And that was it. I didn't say anything more, and neither did he.

When we left, GF asked me, “What was that last bit about? What did he say to you?” I told her, and then explained I was not interested in a married man. She said it was obvious that they are in a miserable marriage. I told her it was none of my business, and, if he’s not happy, that’s his stuff to fix.

GF asked, “How is he going to contact you if he becomes available?”

I told her he didn’t ask for any contact information from me, so I guess it won’t happen.

She suggested that I send him an email just telling him I enjoyed seeing the band, etc. just so that he has a way to contact me in the future.

I thought about it when I got home (alcohol influence), considered these feelings of knowing him, considered we could just keep it platonic, but thank goodness I didn’t do a thing. And I won’t. It’s asking for trouble. No thank you.

So onward I go… moving forward!

Hugs ladies -- take care of yourselves first. You are worth it!!; April 6, 2014 at 10:51 AM
chk61 said...: @Gemini50:

Thanks for sharing your story. Having known and worked with a lot of musicians (as I am one myself) it was interesting to learn that he had a wife who had a sour, suspicious disposition. ;-)

Just the other night, I went out to see a small band perform at a local eatery/bar, including one attractive and very friendly bass player who I have worked with in the past. This guy is one of the most cheerful, even tempered musicians I have ever met. He is just a pleasure to work with and always in a good mood. When I walked in I saw his wife immediately, and she had a very sour, downcast, unapproachable and unfriendly look on her face. One time in years past I had run into this guy at another venue and he was there on a "date" with his wife (they have three kids) and I greeted him, he introduced me to his wife (I was with another female friend). His wife was REALLY standoffish and unfriendly and HE couldn't have been friendlier and pleasant. I felt badly for him, to have to deal with his wife being so guarded, as I highly doubt he cheats on her (doesn't seem the type although he certainly could if he wanted to).

I think it would be difficult to be married to a musician when they are off at gigs, ostensibly meeting women who may or may not be coming on to them or otherwise being "available". And also, working with female musicians...

Yet I would think to be constantly suspicious and feeling threatened would lead to an unhappy marriage. Temptation will always exist, even if one is NOT a musician. But musicians seem to attract women (they always have!) and thus will usually be considered "high risk".

Glad you had a good time anyway. Agree pursuing anything "extracurricular" with this guy would be asking for trouble!; April 7, 2014 at 7:58 AM
JD said...: Dear MOA & Ladies,

I'm having a "moment'. SIGH. I actually got a call from the DM and I did speak with him. He was giving me an explanation on why he's been so "busy"..saying "I've been "running around" this and that." (which I know is BS) and he actually told me, "I will do better in checking in." I told him don't do it because you think I expect that from you. Do it because YOU WANT to. He then said,"No I want to do it."

So I'm thinking to myself..ok maybe he's had a change in heart. I actually told him that he does this Casper act, you know...disappearing and then he's friendly to everyone else. LOL He actually responded to it. But again, more BS. :-/

So WHY would he make an effort to call me and tell me that? To explain? To use his own voice in his own words that..those things?

So here's the thing that brought out my insecurities again. I decided to check out the FB of a woman who used to comment a lot on his FB. Well he responded to her status and the she mentioned in there that she is going to be in town this month. He then replies, "Well I hope you will check in and give me time....ok babe, I can't wait to see you." She lives in another state. Well obviously they've slept together in the past and continue to do so as long as she tells him she's in town. I gather from the message that they haven't been in touch for a while...she has also lost a lot of weight in the past year.

Then I get mad at myself for looking for that stuff..and get even angrier that he just called me Sunday to tell me "I will do better...and I want to do it." THEN respond with messages like that on someone else's FB?

Obviously they are old friends with benefits, right?

This woman has her own business in another state and also sings part-time in various clubs. She has no kids and is quite a "party girl"...very opposite of me. Gets drunk, smokes cigars, hangs out in clubs...I'm like hanging out at book stores and such...LOL

So then I'm getting into emotions and why did he even dare to call me and tell me that CRAP and then still have this other thing going on "over there."

Then I start comparing myself to this other woman...how it seems like they're not leaving each other alone. Is this a cycle they choose to go through? Is he attracted to her again because she has a new look since she lost a lot of weight? Is the reason why she thinks of giving him time is so she can show him her new body?

I'm asking myself..why is he re-seeking her out like that. Am I not good enough to be sought out after again?

Today I took a boxing class and my knuckles are swollen up from punching hard..LOL sigh.

Does he want a relationship with this woman? If he does, then why wouldn't he want one with me? What do you think of this MOA and ladies? :-(; April 8, 2014 at 3:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JD,
"Does he want a relationship with this woman? If he does, then why wouldn't he want one with me?"

I don't think he wants a relationship with anyone dear. But I do think YOU do. And when he contacts you, it's clear that's where you're expecting this to lead - to a relationship. And that because he's contacting you, he might want one now. And that's what's causing your confusion. You're in a relationship mindset, he's in a casual dating mindset - you're on two different pages - which is why speaking to these men again without them PROVING to you that they ARE genuinely interested FIRST, isn't wise dear.

This guy is casually dating. And when doing that, there are no commitments to anyone. As a result, he's going to be casually dating more than one woman at a time most likely.

"So WHY would he make an effort to call me and tell me that? To explain?"

So that he can possibly begin casually dating you again.

"Obviously they are old friends with benefits, right?"

Probably. And if you want a relationship, continuing to accept calls from a man that only wants to casually date will only waste your time. You want something completely different from what he wants. As a result, speaking to this man isn't going to amount to anything even remotely close to what you want. Women who want relationships need not waste their time speaking to men that want to casually date and hookup from time to time.

"I'm asking myself..why is he re-seeking her out like that."

Because she's "down" to hooking up, she's open to it. They casually date and she's open to that. Don't read into that as a relationship. Just because he's seeking her out doesn't mean he loves her or cares for her or wants a relationship with her. It appears it simply means he wants to have sex with her - nothing more than that.

"Am I not good enough to be sought out after again?"

He just did seek you out - he phoned you. But he's probably phoning you for the exact same reason he's remaining in contact with her....because he's casually dating and he's most likely got a few women in "rotation."

"Does he want a relationship with this woman?"

No, he wants to hookup with her.

Cont...; April 8, 2014 at 8:07 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "If he does, then why wouldn't he want one with me?"

He most likely isn't looking for a relationship with anyone dear. This has nothing to do with you - this man simply doesn't want a relationship - with any one particular woman. He's out there casually dating, he doesn't appear to be seeking a relationship.

And if I were you, I would not accept anymore calls from this man. Particularly not the FIRST call. He'd have to WORK HARD to ever get my attention. He'd have to PROVE he was genuinely interested before I ever even considered responding. He'd have to blow up my phone repeatedly while being ignored and he would not get a response until I saw he was trying and trying and trying - AND received an apology. This man gave you a bunch of explanations but never once apologized from what I see and that says alot. It says he's not sorry, doesn't feel he owes you one and he hasn't thought about this enough to even reach the stage where he may consider giving one. And that's because he didn't get the cold shoulder when he attempted to reach you, instead, you responded. If he got the cold shoulder and nothing but silence, he'd have to think about WHY that was happening. And then and only then MIGHT he start to think he's done something wrong.

You're clearly not ready to deal with this guy dear. One call from him throws you right back to square one and puts you into a negative emotional head space. One where you then start to seek out even more negative emotional reinforcement by checking social media on him. Which is pointless dear because it's clear this man doesn't want a relationship. So you know when you do that, what you're going to find...because he's out there casually dating multiple women. So why bother ya' know? Why bother checking up on a man that doesn't even want a relationship and then being surprised when you find out he's out there dating casually ya' know? That's what men like this do, so it's a given that when you go looking for that type of stuff, you're probably going to find it. And if that's the case, whey even bother speaking to this man - because he doesn't even want what you want and when you do, it just completely sets you back.

This guy's a waste of your time dear. He doesn't want what you want, he says what he has to say in order to manipulate you into possibly giving him what he wants (sex), and he's out there dating casually which means he's dating others and will be dating others when/if he dates you.

If none of that is anything you want - then cut this man loose dear and save yourself the grief. And the next time he rings your phone, don't bother wasting your time answering it :-); April 8, 2014 at 8:07 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Chk, thank you for your message. As Ms. Mirror says, doing "nothing," is doing "something." :-) It was a really nice couple of hours, and kudos to you that you have musical abilities. That's a special gift!

@Ms. Mirror, I just rec'd a text from the Flake from Match> Hey (Gemini50) !! It's (Flake) from match !! Hope your well !! Would you like to get overhear Friday nite or Saturday for a drink ?? My treat !! I'm free tonight too !! (Flake) :)

Hopefully, that "overhear" is an auto-correct thing, and should have been "together."

I think the "My treat" is hilarious. He's already signaling that he'll keep score on who's paying. Of course he's going to treat if he wants to take me out! Dumbass. ;-)

I'm not interested; and I'm sticking to my "no texting rule" from work. I'm thinking I'll respond tonight and say thank you, but no thank you.

I'm getting good at this -- identified the "my treat" thing right away! This girl is laughing and proud of herself right now.

Cheers Ladies! Take care of your selfs first!!

Practice, practice, practice!; April 8, 2014 at 10:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
I'm even thinking he may have meant this:

"Would you like to get over hear Friday nite or Saturday for a drink?? My treat !! I'm free tonight too!!"

Translation: Would you like to JUMP on this OPPORTUNITY I'm providing you with where you FINALLY get an ounce of my very LIMITED spare time?

Is this guy a marketer or a salesman, LOL?? Because he's:

1) Using the Law of Scarcity there (presenting his time availability as "limited")
2) He's "selling" this and himself as "special" (it's what you've been apparently waiting for according to him, LOL)
3) He's making you (what he thinks) is a "great" offer
4) He's angling it as a "limited" availability promotion for a "free" meal (a limited time promotional offer, LOL) 5) He's angling it like (what he thinks) is an offer you can't pass up

I'm telling you ladies...men run promotional campaigns for themselves - and they're the BEST at doing this, LOL. "I'm a great package, I'm in limited supply, get yours now before someone else claims it, and if you do, I'll drop you an incentive - a free drink/meal. Don't pass this up, get it now while it's hot!!"

It's like watching the home shopping network!!!

"There's only one and it's going fast, the phone lines are lighting up, get it now before it's gone, limited time offer only available to VIP customers!!" LOL ;-); April 8, 2014 at 11:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Hahaha Mirror I'm just laughing here you're so right they are promotional campaigners!!! I had this one on-line letting me know that he had a lot of interest LOL

@ Gemini - the way I read that text was the 'overhear' was actually a typo for over here, so not only was he throwing out bait for a 'treat' he was trying to entice you to run along like a lapdog and go and fetch it LOL it just gets better doesn't it! LOL.

Ms Mirror can I ask you I've been chatting to a couple of men online and one is asking me fifty million questions almost as if he's interviewing me to see if I'm a suitable candidate when his real concern really should be if he's good enough for me!! I've found lately on and off-line a guy wants to know when my last relationship was, how long for and this particular guy wants to know if anything has happened inbetween my last rel and now almost as if he's wants a full history.

I think he is sussing me out and is looking for specific answers that will qualify me or disqualify me and I don't know what his agenda is. He wanted to know if I wanted a younger bloke because my age range spans over ten years and whilst I would go out with a bloke who was older or the same age I tend to go out with younger blokes. This wasn't always the case and I used to prefer slightly older to older guys and I think perhaps I was looking for a father figure at the time and wouldn't even consider a younger bloke.

Since then I've realised that I don't want or need a father figure and I do my best at being my own parent :)
I think that the younger bloke thing has a lot to do with the fact that I look a lot younger for my age about 10 years and when I'm out and about I do attract men who are younger but they do look on par with my age even though I'm actually older. Also, I would like the option to be a mother and have children and I do not particularly want someone who already has children and whilst younger people can have children a lot of older people do already. Fair enough if I fall for someone and it happens that they already have children then so be it.

What do you think of age gaps? Presuming the if the guy is emotionally mature what to you think of them? They seem to be a lot more common place these days and you here a lot of it in the media with couples of 7, 10, 15 yrs plus age gaps.; April 8, 2014 at 12:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Cont..

Going back to the guy I'm wondering whether he was trying to suss out if I was an older women after a younger man to have just fun with (sex) and this is certainly not the case. but I've had this before when my age range seems to be getting men asking what do I want with an younger man etc. When my age range spans over 10 yrs younger to my age. I'm wondering if I should change it as men will still approach you regardless of what you you put if they want to anyway.

because I look a lot younger my pics do reflect this but when questioned about the younger man thing I say I would consider anyone who I was attracted to regardles of age. Although in reality I'm just not attracted to older men anymore period but I wouldn't rule anyone out based on age (within reason) if I liked them.

This other guy has openly admitted that he likes older women but would go out with someone same age and younger, however, he prefers the dynamic with an older woman. He's just bought his own home, so I know it's not to do with sometimes an older woman who's financially secure can seem attractive to a guy. This one has not asked me yet about my job and housing etc.

I'm not taking these guys seriously at the moment but I'm wondering if I should change my profile age range but I cannot control who I'm attracted to and whom I'm not and at the moment they do seem to be younger. The last one I went out with 7 years younger.

and also what do you think about the almost interview questions I'm getting on last relationships, career, living arrangements, probably the latter relates to checking out my status. I've had this at the early stages of on-line, first dates or when I've just met someone on a night out. I had another one guy that I met on a night out he had his own house, he was younger and financially well off and I got a right grilling on my career, housing etc. Do you think they are trying to find out if you are a goldigger? What's happened to the man who falls for the girl and is happy to be the provider? I'm far from a materialistic person, I do enjoy the finer things in life when I can but I feel the way of the world is so materialistic these days.

the more I'm writing I sense that the younger guys are demanding/wanting quite a lot from potential partners is this just a sign of the times?

thank you; April 8, 2014 at 12:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Just wanted to piggyback on to JD’s story. So for any woman who eventually sees that her DM only wants something casual at the moment while wants something serious, is ignoring them multiple times the best way to see that they've perhaps had a change of heart and want something serious? I know in some other stories I’ve seen, a man may blow up a woman’s phone multiple times and when she answers, all he wants to do is make small talk or see why she hasn’t responded, and then she’s had a setback by giving him attention again and wondering why he would do all that to get in touch just to run off again.

I’ve gotten to the point with my DM that I pretty much don't want to talk to him unless he wants to date seriously, but is that something a man would even admit on a text or voicemail? I’ve gone NC and he’s texted once so far saying hi, but I ignored it because I don't want to answer and then get sucked into another round of foolishness. After months of going on dates but not sleeping together, he let me know that he doesn’t want a relationship and I know that I do, so it doesn’t make sense for us to talk when we don’t want the same thing and I already have feelings involved. Yet he still keeps reaching out I guess to see that he still has me as an option. So I’ve gone NC both to distance myself and so that he won’t think he can have me whenever he wants me, because in my opinion, if he wants that security, that falls in relationship territory.

So for those with a similar story to JD, or in general have dated a man who they’ve not yet had a relationship with and is now just disappearing/reappearing, is ignoring them and waiting for multiple attempts enough? Or would it be wishful thinking to wait until they come right out and say via text, voicemail, etc that they don’t just want to do casual anymore and THEN we respond?; April 8, 2014 at 3:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 8, 12:16 PM,
"What do you think of age gaps? Presuming the if the guy is emotionally mature what to you think of them?"

As far as physical age, as long as the gap isn't truly generational to the point of a lack of understanding of one another, I think EQ (emotional age) is MUCH more important than physical.

"I'm wondering if I should change my profile age range"

I would not let the "diggings" of insecure men (older men worried about competing with younger men is what that is really about in reality) sway my likes, needs, wants, etc. whatsoever.

"what do you think about the almost interview questions I'm getting on last relationships, career, living arrangements, probably the latter relates to checking out my status."

People will ask questions like that, however, if you're not comfortable answering them - then don't. Say something like, "If we get to know one another better, I'll have no problem sharing my private life with you then." Or answer it vaguely....and then kick that same exact question right back to them.

"Do you think they are trying to find out if you are a goldigger?"

These days dear - sometimes I think it's the exact opposite. Sometimes, I think these guy's are searching for a Sugar Mama. A woman who's willing to tow the line, mother then, do their laundry, provide housing, and keep food on the table while they sit at home and play video games or go clubbing with the boys on the weekend, LOL ;-)

"the more I'm writing I sense that the younger guys are demanding/wanting quite a lot from potential partners"

Precisely to my point above dear. Lots of lazy men out there looking for a desperate woman or a woman who thinks she can't do better - so they can suck off of her and her lifestyle and the stability she has like a vampire. Either that, or you hit the opposite end of the spectrum. The men who are 5's at best that feel entitled to a female 10 - and she better cook, not ask questions, be great in the sack, not ask for things, not expect things, blah, blah, blah.; April 8, 2014 at 6:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 8, 3:30 PM,
"is ignoring them multiple times the best way to see that they've perhaps had a change of heart and want something serious?"

It won't be a guarantee dear but here's the thing - the men who want hookups...they don't want to WORK real hard for them. So if you make it hard for a guy to reach you, only the genuinely interested one's will persist consistently. The lazy hookup seekers drop early in the game like flies, LOL.

So it's a first level filter so-to-speak that can do a lot of the "lazy" man filtering for you. The other benefit to ignoring them is, the longer you're away...you'll find the less "shiny" you begin to see these men dear. Suddenly, this man that you were so wrapped up in, starts to look less shiny to you. When you're too close to the situation (too available, attached, etc.)....you can't see the forest for the trees. But if you pull back and put the brakes on and put some distance there....all of a sudden many times you find you're like, "What the hell did I see here?"

You'll never see the forest (big picture) if you're standing with your face 3" from a tree dear :-)

"is ignoring them and waiting for multiple attempts enough?"

No dear, that's only a first level filter. The next one's would be "consistency" related. If the man isn't consistent or he disappears again or he falls off into any old behavior again - BOOM, silence. That's what he receives when he slides back. And if he slides back and does nothing to make it right or apologize, it's over. No more responses ever again.

"Or would it be wishful thinking to wait until they come right out and say via text, voicemail, etc that they don’t just want to do casual anymore and THEN we respond? "

It can happen and it does at times. But not all will do that obviously. And me personally, when it comes to DM, I NEVER answer them ever...until I hear something along those lines. And even then dear, many keep up the "new" facade for about two weeks...then they're usually tossed out the door in the end for reverting back to old ways anyway LOL.; April 8, 2014 at 6:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Heres a tricky one for ya:
Ive been dating a libra man for about 2 months. Its been amazing. He tells me he really likes me all the time.Lots of physical hand holding initiated by him etc, but no sex. We both want to wait. We have tons in common. Ive let him take the lead thus far and he is after me. Until. . .he wakes me up with a call one morning telling me there was a fatal accident at work. (hes an iron worker) and that he wanted me to know that he was okay. All day I thought about him. I was/am very concerned about him. I thought, what if it was him? Upon his request, we got together that night. I ended up getting blackout drunk and in that state I told him I loved him and tried to entice him sexually (im a taurus). I dont remember this. I feel very strongly about this man. He left that night and called me in the morning wanting to talk about what happened. I freaked out when he told me what I did. I didnt cry, but I said I guess its over huh? This was super early the next morning. He kept saying, "you're not listening, I want to see you again." And stuff like "talk to me" I told him that I couldnt take it back because there is some truth to it.
I got off the phone and texted him something like i know your under a lot of stress, didnt mean to add to it. Ill be okay. Im not walking away from this, take your time deal with your life, no need to respond Ill be around. the next day i wanted to send him a positive message and sent him something before he went back to work. I told him stay strong, get answers and if you believe in what your doing, then its the right thing.
Thats communication I have sent him. Now Im trying to give him space. I want him to know that he is special to me and dont want to push him away anymore. I want the chance to tell him my side now that I have had time to rationalize it. I know what happened, I obviously felt emotions based on the accident and the drink. I do love him, but im not in love with him. Ive only told 3 other men this. Im 30. Its been 3 days now without hearing from him.
Do I make a move and leave a voicemail asking for a chance to talk it out? Do I leave it alone and give him space. I dont want to lose this one. I want to play this right. Please help!!!!!!!!; April 8, 2014 at 9:32 PM
chk61 said...: Ladies and Mirror,

A man I politely declined on a dating site sent me a link to this article. He lived a good distance away, and for other reasons I won't go into, I just knew there was no match there. Not sure what his motivation was but this article really struck home for me, it is a couple of years old but an interesting (and somewhat depressing) read:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/308654/2/

Over 2000 comments, and this one jumped out at me:

"This was refreshingly honest, but there's another problem you don't address: it's difficult to remain a committment-minded male when options are so prolific. I was a "player" in college, and my college mirrored those you described (over 60% female). Women never seemed to mind, even when they knew they were on a rotation. I met my wife 6 years ago and have been absolutely faithful, but it's not easy. As you said, "marriageable" men in NYC are a minority. I'm tall, attractive, smart, a CEO, and have a great income. My wife's friends are all, like her, educated and intelligent, yet they are almost all single like you, having pursued grad school rather than settle down. I'd never tell my wife, but more than one has made a pass at me (even after attending our wedding), to say nothing of the many other women I regularly encounter who more or less throw themselves at me despite my rather large and obvious wedding band. I'm committed to marriage and deeply and truly love my wife, but it is difficult, and I can see how many men would easily succumb to temptation. That's a terrible recipe for women, especially those, like my wife's friends, who are competing for a very small pool of men, like me. They stroke our egos endlessly despite being our absolute equals - they're only forced to do so because we are a minority, and as such they'd happily steal us away from our wives and have to beg while we get to choose. I almost never encounter single men worthy of such women, as those men who are have either married or are playing the field endlessly (which might make them not-so-worthy as it betrays a character flaw, in my opinion).

My wife, however, who is both beautiful and intelligent, seems to experience almost no pursuit from other men, at least those she'd find worthy, as women at the upper end of the "marriageable" spectrum outnumber men to such a ridiculous degree. I'd certainly prefer to be in my position, but it really doesn't seem very fair to women that the tables have turned so drastically in favor of men, particularly those of us who already have have in abundance (money and power, specifically), and it's probably pretty terrible for all those non-marriageable men as well."; April 9, 2014 at 8:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, I'm having a tough time dealing with my DM and my feelings surrounding our last fight :( He told me that he was falling for me the last time we saw each other. At that point, we were in a very casual dating situation for about 5 months. He knew I was dating other people and he told me that he wanted me to be his one and only (he said all of this the same night we had the fight but that serious convo happened a few hours prior). However, throughout the night, he kept trying to make me jealous (he had never really done this before). He also told me that I was going to miss the opportunity to seriously be with him because he's not going to say no to someone else since a casual relationship was my choice. Well, later that evening, we got into a huge argument (i'm sure alcohol didn't help) with yelling and all (he has some pretty serious anger issues, e.g lots of bar fights, that he says he's trying to work on), and he ended up physically abandoning me (I had to take a 30-min taxi home). I called him because I was initially having a hard time finding a taxi (but I was in a safe place). When I told him that I was having trouble finding one, he was like is that the only reason you're calling me? I said yes, he answered a couple of my calls after that, but then started to ignore my later calls. He contacted me the next day to see if I got home okay and I don't know how I ended up apologizing. He has this uncanny knack for turning the tables. Well, we haven't spoken since (it's been about a month and a half) and I've somewhat accepted the fact that we are just not working out. He is a scorpio and I am a taurus, so we are both very stubborn. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever hear from him again. I thought we would at least have a distant friendship and check in with each other but there is a lot of passion whenever we are together so a strictly platonic friendship might not work :( I don't really have any dire questions that need to be answered. I think I just needed someone to listen to me. The good days are now finally starting to outnumber the bad ones. But I was just wondering -- have you ever dated a scorpio? If so, how was it? It's okay if you don't want to answer as it's a fairly personal question.; April 9, 2014 at 12:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thanks for your reply I've been engaging with your site for nearly a year now and I absolutely love it and I'm very grateful for the help and advice you have offered me and others. It's a great community here, which is an empowering place of learning and growth. It has helped me through some dark times and other times just reading others stories and attempting to help others, it's great to connect with other women and I feel we are all for a common cause and growing on our spiritual paths. I realise too that you do it in your spare time, freely as well and you’re such an inspiration so thank you I’m very grateful.
Anyway just going back to the recent post about age gaps, I've been doing some thinking in the last day or so and I just want to get some perspective on a few issues that have come up with regard to on-line that I mentioned yesterday.
I did alter my age profile last night, it's not the older men that are having digs by the way it's the younger guys that seem to home in on it and question me about it. I know some of them may just be after sex and perhaps they want to check me out as some cougar I don't know. Anyway I've still kept the younger age but I've raised it also a couple of years over my age, after-all the older men just contact you anyway. You know all I do is click on their picture and they're e-mailing me, I'm not chasing them down but then there is a big inquest about what I want from a younger man!!
Let’s call him guy No.1 from the other night, question city! I didn’t feel uncomfortable answering them but it does bug me the manner he was firing them at me. I like the idea of being vague if there is something uncomfortable, so I may use that in the future. My photos on there are all very tasteful and natural but he asked me if my figure was natural, now I don’t mind answering it but then he asked again ‘no boob job?’ Honestly there is nothing hanging out on my photos LOL but you can tell I have a nice figure. He wanted to know not only when my last rel was, which I find ok but in so many words he wanted to know when I’d last had sex in the period between my last rel and now. I’m wondering whether he was trying to decipher if I was an easy good-time girl putting it out to younger men. I said it was too much information to ask at this stage and that I was not fling-material. He said I’d not answered his question and I bid him goodnight and pulled his leg saying that he needed his beauty sleep, to his reply saying ‘remember I’m younger’. Now I’ve not replied since to that because one it doesn’t warrant a reply, it may have just been a bit of banter yes but the fact of the matter it was him e-mailing me and questioning me and it’s just getting on my nerves a bit going back to the age thing all the time. I do think that he will have been expecting a reply back and I don’t think he will reply back unless I take my turn but I think that I’ve answered all these questions for him and if that isn’t good enough for him he can do one.
Anyway, I’m not sweating about it but who do they think they are?! Before I go on to guy NO.2 can I just emphasise that although I have had a lot of interest on-line I’m nearly into 6mth stint of it and I’ve been struggling to find people I like and I’ve had to relax my standards and consider people. However, as not much has been going on it’s been quite draining scrolling through profiles without much action and I feel like I’ve been paying out month after month with not much going on.; April 9, 2014 at 12:21 PM
Anonymous said...: CONT...

And so these two appear at the same time and I suppose I was thinking YAY things are looking up to a feeling of being disappointed and back to square one!
With the other one there were a couple of things at first that I was a bit suspicious of but I was wondering if there might not be anything in it all. I’ve been on this paid site for nearly six months now but I did have a stint on POF. Although I had quite a few dates on there with some decent people there were lots of fakers on there having a bit of fun at a women’s expense I feel, trying to feign interest and not necessarily for sex in fact those types at least they were more direct about it but others feigning interest just to get a kick out of it I regard as sick individuals. There were blokes putting in their profiles that they preferred older women but they were not that clever about it most of them but you could tell they were after misleading an older women for some sick thrill.
I know Ms Mirror what you think about that site I do agree, although people have met nice people on there I decided to come off it as I was sick of having to filter for fraudsters and I didn’t want men potentially having access to me for free and hence my move to Match- paid site.
However, I think it does occur on Match to a smaller degree and I guess what is bothering me really is if it is happening now or if I’m being unduly suspicious because of my experience of POF. See what you think about guy NO.2? There are only little things but he noticed that we had gone to the same university by my gowns on a picture yet when I asked him what campus he had gone to he couldn’t remember but gave me the road, which anyone could know. It could be legitimate I don’t know. The other thing is he has signed his name as Phill with a double ll and to my knowledge the abbreviation is usually Phil – I could be wrong. So I even start thinking are those pictures actually him, this happens a lot on POF.
Anyway he writes decent messages, he’s bring up the age thing and says he prefers older women, no real interrogation about my life but definitely a consistent interest and showing on a number of occasions the desire to meet up. So I put my suspicions to aside and go with it, he wants to exchange more photos, asks if I’m on FB which I’m not. I’ve been here before with a past date and we progressed onto personal e-mail then phone but for some reason I’m feeling uncomfortable with giving him my e-mail. I thought well seeing as though he’s hinting at meeting up and wanting to move things forward with contact outside of the on-line dating I gave him my phone number. Now it was only last night but (unless I get a surprise tonight) he didn’t respond and he was on-line all night when we were usually ping pong emailing each other. Do you think it was ok for me to give out my number under these circumstances or could it look like a form of pursual? Is this aggressive what I’ve done and taking the lead has it frightened him off?
I know there are lots of other women on there and he has already told me he has a lot of interest LOL but thinks I look fun and different to the others. So I don’t think that his on-line disappearance is to do with other women, of course he will be engaging with others I don’t deny that but do you think the real reason is I may have frightened him off before he’s ready? Although it was him that wanted to exchange photos outside of on-line and I was simply answering his question of where he could send them with my phone number.
I’m wondering if he’s a faker like the POF variety and he’s been feigning interest until he thinks he’s got me. I’m trying not to take this so seriously but what’s bugging me is I start out cool, fun hold back with a healthy suspicion while I’m trying to filter but at some point you have to go with it to find out and now I’m annoyed with myself and I feel like I’ve been duped to fulfil someone’s sick fix.; April 9, 2014 at 12:22 PM
Anonymous said...: CONT...

Or finally it could be that there are so many liars on there and I think women must do it too and I know I’m genuine but are they just trying to suss out if I’m who I say I am. I think because I do look younger I’ve had many men question me about my photos which is fair enough. I’ve seen a lot of men claiming for example to be 30 when in fact their pictures reflect someone much older. Then there are others who put pictures up that are clearly not recent but there always tends to be one photo that gives the game away and you see how they look now. While it is ok to look older the younger pictures do not give an accurate representation of who you will be actually meeting in reality ya know.
So my point is that he obviously wants more pictures off me, there are four on there already and I joked that he only had 3 to his reply that he owed me one. But because I’ve not jumped at giving him more photos although I’ve provided a means now to communicate further as I want to speak to him now because that is the next stage as you get more of an idea when you actually speak to someone if you’re going to get on or not. However, I’m wondering if he is a bit unsure now it has come to the crunch and that would explain his reticence? I’ve had dates with guys who have told me stories about women faking this that and the other to be actually shocked when they meet up with them. So with me being older I’m thinking maybe he wants more photos to be sure I’m who I say I am, however, his age range goes up to 45 and I’m younger than that. He did look at my profile again last night after ignoring my message with my phone number. What do you think is he a faker or do you think he has cold feet to moving forward??
You see there is nothing I can do now he has ignored my message, so I can’t be more enthusiastic for example about exchanging photos and contact him as this will be pursuing and I can’t and won’t do it!!
I’m trying not to be so serious about it all but I’m running into difficulties, which I know is par of the course with on-line dating but I just want to clarify what is going on and make sure what I’m doing is ok while I try to navigate this terrain LOL. I just want to go on some dates with some guys and continue to move on from the DM who brought me to this site who is currently doing the same on another site LOL.
Is this too much to ask, it appears so at the moment LOL
What do you think Mirror??
Thank you; April 9, 2014 at 12:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 9, 12:12 PM,
"have you ever dated a scorpio?"

No, I haven't dear.; April 9, 2014 at 3:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 9, 12:21 PM,
"he asked again ‘no boob job?’...he wanted to know when I’d last had sex in the period between my last rel and now"

Do NOT speak to men like this. Do NOT reward their blatent offensive ignorance towards you with your time and attention. Ignore men like this and don't respond.

"do you think the real reason is I may have frightened him off before he’s ready?"

With many of these men online, if they have to WORK for a date (i.e. call, pay, etc.) they won't do it. But that's a good thing because those are the flakes that just want to use you for sex without lifting a finger to earn that - so good riddens to them.

"What do you think Mirror?"

I think this is all par for the course with online dating. I swear it attracts the lazy players seeking something for nothing and looking for the easy way out like moths to a flame. When dating online, you have to filter. Don't respond to the ignorant ones or the ones that only speak of sex all the time, don't jump on "meet me" messages from men who don't even ask your name first without speaking to the guy on the phone before agreeing to meet him, don't go to them when you meet them, make them meet you half way at least, don't sleep with any of these jags on the first date, don't sext with any of them, don't chase them and if they're ignorant or disappear - let them be gone.

Dating online is not for the feint of heart. It's a great place to learn how to say "no" comfortably and to practice filtering techniques and grow your strength and confidence in both of those things though. When dating online, put your armor on and bear your sword dear. Do NOT let others act upon you there - and do NOT reward the ignorant ones's for their poor treatment of you with more of your time and attention :-); April 9, 2014 at 3:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 8, 2014 at 9:32 PM,
"Do I make a move and leave a voicemail asking for a chance to talk it out?"

I'm confused dear - I believe he already asked to talk it out right?

"Do I leave it alone and give him space."

Did he ask for space? I'm confused about why the space now exists? Did he ask for it or did you run from discussing the episode when he asked to do so?; April 9, 2014 at 4:01 PM
Anonymous said...: This is the BEST perfect advice I should've read 2 years ago.Absolutely awesome. Thank you. NO THANK YOU :); April 11, 2014 at 2:30 PM
Anonymous said...: I think I may have run my man (dating 1.5 months) off with my own insecurities so I'm not sure if this advice applies to me.

Scenario: I had just had minor surgery. He texted me one night and said "I just want to hold you and make love to you". I replied "Sorry babe, I am going to be out of commission for awhile. You'll have to find a new lady if that is what you want" He replied "No, I can wait". And then I said this horrible thing: "You're not MINE, so you are free to be with whoever you want. I just prefer it if you tell me if you are sleeping with other women. I don't have the right to be mad".

I said it because I wanted to appear non-clingy and like I wasn't pushing for a committment.

Our dating life went downhill QUICK after that comment. The next week it fell apart and he broke off contact. He would reply if I texted; I finally quit after reading your blog. He came back around 3 weeks later and we have seen each other since. He said I hurt his feelings. When I asked him to elaborate he explained that my comment to him that night "ran him off" and made me seem "cheap". He told me he only sleeps with one woman at a time. He also said "When are you going to get it that I want a relationship".

We have started having more frequent communication this last week, but things are not like they "were" prior to him disappearing. He's not quite as affectionate in the texts he sends me and they are much less frequent.

My question is: Would that comment have run any man off or is he being silly for getting mad about it? Again, I was just trying to appear as the "cool" girl who doesn't pressure men for a relationship.

Him being more distant, even though he HAS come back around, could that be expected after a situation like this? I have to be honest that this wasn't the first time I have "pushed him away" with similiar comments (though varying, they weren't about other females, but more like me not making him feel like a priority or important to me).; April 12, 2014 at 1:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Great article, it really helped me to become stronger and more confident.

I am a Capricorn woman and I have been together with a Scorpio man for four months. He has been giving me the silent treatment for two weeks now. I am really confused because it seemed that things were all right between us. I do not mind giving him space but I feel ignored and disrespected by the fact that he does not tell me if that is all he needs. Or this might just be the way he wants to end it, I do not know.
So part of me is really hurt and my heart is broken, but my other part - the strong one - wants revenge. This part of me wants him to start chasing me again and I want to treat him exactly the same way he is treating me right now.; April 12, 2014 at 4:11 PM
Anonymous said...: I've been dating this guy for about 3 months previously. And I made a terrible mistake because I can't figure out where our relationship is heading towards so I confessed to him. However though, he told me he is unsure of his feelings yet & told me to give him time. For 2.5 months, he didn't contact me. No phone calls, no text messages. It's as though he disappeared. He basically just pulled away.

Just a moment ago though, he called to ask if the mart nearby my area is still open as he needed to grab something. Which is highly impossible to be the real reason because there's also a mall nearby his place. And he knew the opening hours for the mart nearby my place. Besides, there's a lot of other places he could go to. When we talked on the phone just now, there was this awkward silence. Then, he thanked me before placing down the receiver.

I'm feeling so lost now. Should I text him first? Or wait for him to make the first move? I'm so afraid he will think I've moved on, but no...I'm still longing for him all along.; April 13, 2014 at 10:51 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey there,

I was wondering if you could do a post on Libra men pulling the disappearing act? Totally confused by what a Libra male's intention is. This Libra male has been ignoring my texts (for over a week) and it just happens simply out of the blue.; April 13, 2014 at 7:51 PM
AnonymousL said...: Hi! I came across your well-written site on the disappearing acts of men & I too have a situation I wish to provide, in hope of further suggestions.

A month ago, I knew a guy online and we started communicating via text messages/LINE. Everything was fine with the chemistry we had, that gradually led him to confess his feelings to me. I had the same thoughts as him too.

We had plans of being together in the near future. But, just a week ago, he started replying in a less enthusiastic manner. (He hasn't been in a r/s before, but mentioned he was kinda scared because of a previous failed confession. He last initiated a good morning text on Tuesday, 25/3/2014. I last heard from him on 6/4/2014).

The following describes some of the texts we sent last week (from Saturday-Sunday):

Me: Hey, guess you're somewhat preoccupied the last week. Well, just wanna wish you well for your upcoming polytechnic orientation. (He'd be entering polytechnic soon and having a Freshman Orientation Camp on 14/4/2014- 16/4/2014). :) Thank you for the memories made via texting/quizup in March, it was nice while it lasted.

Him: Ahhh I give up. I don't wanna continue this avoiding method (he was avoiding me so as to forget those feelings he had). I thought I could forget you, but I failed. Can we be together instead?

Me: Hey, I'm curious as to why you suddenly mentioned being together. Can you give me an explanation? :)

Him: Shouldn't people with mutual feelings be together? :)

Me: Yeah, but I don't wanna go too fast. After all, a r/s that starts fast, ends fast.

Him: Yeah! Oh :( I thought we could be together...

That was the last message I got from him (on Sunday, 6/4/2014). The days that followed were me sending texts to him, in hope of an explanation for his sudden disappearance. Could he have decided to completely forget me? Will he ever contact me again? There are some on my mind even as I type this.

This week. I didn't text him at all from Thursday-Saturday. But did so earlier this morning (to send my 'well-wishes' to him for his upcoming orientation. No reply.)

What're your views on this situation? How could a nice guy suddenly vanish completely?

I'm intending to go No Contact again next week, but the pain of not knowing just hurts. All I want is for us to revert to the way we were before... (He's either a Libra/Scorpio male).

Thank you so much in advance.; April 13, 2014 at 8:11 PM
Anonymous said...: I am so completely heartbroken. I have made just about every mistake I could in the 3 months I dated a very sweet caring man. Most recently my mistakes have been saying dumb things to him to imply he was with other women (totally unfounded, I was just insecure and wanted to test him). He disappeared on me once and just returned last week saying he wnated a relationship and likes me. On Sunday I sent an email expressing my thoughts, how sorry I was, and saying I hoped we could work things out. I didn't get a reply. So, Monday I shot him a text, just a friendly "hope your day is going well" and he did not reply. This is the first time he has ever not replied.
Do I need to step back and let him come back around to me again, or how I screwed this up beyond repair at this point? I see my mistakes now.; April 15, 2014 at 2:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 15, 2:40 PM,
"Do I need to step back and let him come back around to me again, or how I screwed this up beyond repair at this point?"

No one can predict how he'll feel in a week or a month, only time will tell. But your best bet is to take a step back from it all and see what happens in time. Contacting him again won't be the answer. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and again (that isn't working) and expecting different results. So don't drive yourself nuts trying to reach out to him because he'll only force more space in between you as a result.

Just give it time and keep moving forward as best you can dear and see what happens in a few weeks :-); April 15, 2014 at 2:55 PM
Anonymous said...: i know this blog was made in 2012 so the likely hood of me getting a response is slim to none but I read all your blogs I am in love and it gave me courage to stand up for my self I'm not really into astrology like that but for some signs a lot of things can hold true oddly enough. I am an Aquarius woman and I was dating a Scorpio male for a year and he was doing the disappearing and reappearing we are both in school i met him the spring of 2013 So earlier in the year into the summer was wonderful we spent so much time together (i was being a fool tho i payed for a lot of the things that we did- supported his dreams since he was an athlete) if he needed anything i was there for him financially mentally and physically. He had recently got out a three yr relationship so i think that's where i really F#cked up at and didnt realize being the young 19 yr old that I was... longevity matters -shes gonna be there and he told me she wasnt going anywhere but i still went along with seeing him since she lived in another state. summer came to a close and school started. Being that he is a Scorpio hes really freakin passionate about anything he puts his mind to, So the seeing each other stopped and he focused himself on school and basketball supposedly! turns out didn't even get to play this season due to reshirting so he sat up moped around for 5 months of the college season didnt act on seeing me or anything... i was ignored from august til Novemeber of 2013 and he hit me up mid november to tell me he missed me and blah blah ! wished him a happy birthday and i knew his damn ex was in town to see him i know cause social networks tell all! we then saw eachother sometime in december he told me he hurt her feelings and he wasn't tryin to rekindle anything with her(but she stayed at his house during his birthday weekend )BIG RED FLAG I KNOW ! i feel so foolish- and it should of hit me if he hurt her what made me think he wont due the same to me but he was so open about doing it. We continue talking into January(BTW he forget my birthday which is two days before his exs we are both Aquariuses) and probably get into it and he disappears again on me (hes very inconsistent with texting - once a wk or two wks-months even ) then disappears in February wishes me happy valentines day then I block his number i was ready to give up then decide to unblock his number sometime at the end of march he freaking calls me ! I answer we go out I pay for it like a idiot.. I leave town hes back to calling me baby just running game even bold enough to ask me for clothes but my intuition tells me not to (ironically i ask him whats hes doing that day - he says going to the spa but when we went bowling before i left town he acted like he was broke ) and what do you know he disappears for a wk AGAIN and finally hit me late at night the following wk. I don't respond because i read your blogs about letting it go 3 to 5 days but next morning i give in and call it off (ive watched this man that disappears on me beg for his exs attention via twitter- comment on her social networks and so forth so it really tore me apart) I tell him I should be respected hes not a true gentleman and to basically stop stringing me along i want no parts of him! he replies back with he never had any intentions of making me his gf because im not ready and other nasty false things about my character even after all the stuff ive done for this man. This hurt me so much i am not an emotional person but this really broke me down. your insight would be great this would help me move on faster . But im just astonished is that a man closure to female ?; April 15, 2014 at 3:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 15, 3:46 PM,
"im just astonished is that a man closure to female?"

You're not going to get closure from jags like this dear, they're not mature enough to provide it for you, so don't expect it.

He gave you closure when he told you he was never going to make you his girlfriend. Translation: "I'm a user." That's closure right there dear and it's a sign to never waste another minute on a guy like that. Don't contact him and never respond to him again - or be prepared to suffer a repeat if you do.

And every time I see guys like this, that live off of women (need you for dinner, clothing, etc.) it gives me great pleasure dear to think about...and this is terrible but I'm going to say it anyway...to think about what a bitch they are - to think, "This guy was my bitch, LOL."

Meaning, he was the woman in the relationship and I was the one manning up. He was feminine and submissive while I was the one leading and taking charge and providing. He needed me for clothes, he needed me for dinner and he needed me for sex. And I don't know why, but when I look at it like that, the guy becomes so very pathetic and disgusting as a man to me in my mind...that I find myself actually cracking up over the fact that he was such a "woman" to date, LOL.

And from that day forward, if I ever reference him to anyone, I no longer use his name. He no longer HAS a name (in my mind). From that day forward, he's my bitch, LOL. "Oh, I went here with my bitch" or "Yea, I took my bitch here once."

There's something about placing the ignorant spin he was dishing out to me - taking that ignorance and putting it on HIS shoulders where it BELONGS - and referring to him in an ignorant manner from that day forward...there's something about that that makes it all rather humorous for me dear. Some may read this and think I'm being really mean but I don't see it that way. You get what you give in this world and if you give ignorance, then you can surely expect karma to deliver that right back to you.

And I'm never really bothered by letting karma work directly through me, LOL ;-)

If, as a man, you want to act like a woman and take the feminine role, then I as a woman have no problem being the man - who will treat you as you conduct yourself. And if you treated me ignorant while behaving like a woman, then I'm going to refer to you as the ignorant woman that you are.

If nothing else dear, when your friends hear you talking about your bitch, LOL....trust me, laughs follow, it takes people off guard, and it makes all the pain dissipate because the guy is now the butt of the joke (instead of you) and you're all laughing at him ;-); April 15, 2014 at 5:26 PM
Gemini50 said...: @Ms. Mirror and the ladies,

ust want to share: Since I wrote I was going to trust Ms. Mirror’s statement of there being good men out there, I’ve come across several men who, at first blush, seem to be good men:
- Musician (and harmonica and bongo guys)
- EMT (story below)
- Jeep guy (below as well)

I went to friends outdoor event Saturday night and met a very nice couple. They have been dating for a few months and the woman tells me she met the man when she was being transported from one hospital to another. I’m sharing the reason for her transport only because I think it’s significant: she suffered from panic attacks and was transported by ambulance to a 2nd hospital able to help her. The man was one of two EMT’s transporting her. She said he was very kind and kept talking with her during the ride. At the 2nd hospital, when EMT was doing the Admissions paperwork and she was in the elevator with the 2nd EMT escorting her to where she needed to go, she thought of what a nice man EMT was and she wanted to see him again.

She said she asked EMT2 for a piece of paper and pen. She wrote her name/number on the paper, ran out of the elevator to EMT, stuffed the paper in his pocket and ran back.

Now, EMT knew why she was being transported, and two weeks later he called her to check on her. She said he was again very kind. They spoke a few times on the phone, eventually went out for coffee, and have been dating/together ever since.

Five of us hung out by a fire for a couple hours chatting. EMT was a bit rough around the edges, but seemed genuine and straightforward. I liked and appreciated both of them; I hope they make it.

When I left work last night, I found a note inside a plastic sandwich bag under my windshield wiper of my vehicle. The weather was horrible yesterday – rain, wind, nasty. The note was an apology from Jeep guy with his name and phone number. Because of the wind, his door hit my passenger side mirror when he was exiting his jeep. He wanted to let me know and wanted to pay for any damages.

I have seen this guy often from the window of my office. When the space next to where I park is open, he always parks in it. He works in another building for another company, and he's a kid (in his 30's.)

I checked the mirror, it worked, and there was only a minor scratch. I wrote back on the same paper, thanked him for his note, let him know all was good, and put the note back in the plastic bag and under his windshield.

As I drove away, I thought his action was an example of a good man and, it’s too bad (for me) he’s a kid. I also thought it was a great way for a man to meet a woman, and show his character right off the bat (smart kid, at that).

Jeep guy's action continued to give me hope that there ARE good men out there – I just need to keep looking forward - and to the Universe: please keep sending good men my way! ;-)

Hugs ladies!; April 16, 2014 at 5:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Ok, so I did EVERYTHING wrong that I possibly could. Met a man who clearly adored me and treated me with much respect. Wanted to see me frequently, complimented me, etc. I in turn, made ugly comments to him to push him away (I guess I was "testing" him), was emotional, and had a wall up. You guessed it, he finally disappeared on me after 1.5 months of dating because of my behavior. I texted him 2 times in a week to see if he would talk to me, and he did but VERY little. He finally came back around 2 weeks ago and I have already said something else hurtful to him.

I know I have to stop this behavior IMMEDIATELY. That being said, he is barely talking to me now... he will text here and there but it is very short communication and he takes hours to respond when I text back. He has hinted at seeing me but never put any plans together. Just last night he asked if I would be around today in his city (I live out of town but work where he lives). I said yes and he told me to holler at him. Well, I texted, but he didn't reply for 3 hours and even then he just said "what are you doing"? I replied and he never said another word back. He also told me he is off on Friday and Saturday when I said I'd like to see him, but again, he did not make any plans with me.

I am the one who ruined things and I don't know how to proceed. I am very hurt that he barely talks to me, is much less affectionate towards me, and does nothing to make plans with me. All this behavior is a complete 360 from how he once treated me. Should this be expected until he feels "comfortable' around me again> He flat out told me I had run him off and that I had hurt his feelings with one of my comments. I guess my question is: Should I keep holding on and be patient and see this out or ???? Maybe he is just very wary of starting anyting up with me again considering my past behavior?; April 17, 2014 at 5:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, just want to thank you for your response, I'm not sure when it was, probably over a week ago but I've had a virus, so been a bit depleted.

Anyhow I'm the lady who had these communications with potential fraudsters, players on-line and you're right I should not be even talking to these jags and I need to tighten up my ship :)

However, today I get this e-mail and I decided to respond to this guy, not to strike anything up with him and you could argue that why bother responding to these guys but I just wanted to put him in his place ;)

Yet another 30ish old guy that's claiming to want a women up to 45 years it makes me wonder...

The signs are always there ladies, this guy clearly has blue eyes on his photo, yet hang on - in his profile he's claiming they're brown LOL.

He also e-mails me but doesn't actually look/read my profile LOL I clicked on his profile, he e-mailed me.

and so I decided to point these things out to him because I felt like it, not because I want to strike anything up with him and ended it 'hmmm genuine, intelligent...'

because these guys they think they're are being smart but they are not so clever at all and trying to outwit and manipulate women and I just though yeah I could just ignore this but I enjoyed pointing this out to him LOL.

Jag off LOL :); April 18, 2014 at 9:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 17, 5:56 PM.
"I am the one who ruined things and I don't know how to proceed. I am very hurt that he barely talks to me, is much less affectionate towards me, and does nothing to make plans with me. All this behavior is a complete 360 from how he once treated me. Should this be expected until he feels "comfortable' around me again?"

Yes dear, it is to be expected under these particular circumstances. When you inject negative energy into a situation, you can't expect positive results, ya' know? Those are two opposing forces.

"Should I keep holding on and be patient and see this out?"

Honestly dear...if I am to be honest with you here - I don't think you should be dating right now at all. I don't think that should be your concern. I think YOU should be your concern. Meaning, until you get whatever is going on inside of you worked out....all you're going to do is suffer repeats and exhibit more self-defeating behavior. If you don't work that out on your own, then nothing will change. And in order to work that out, you need to cease dating and focus on yourself instead.

"Maybe he is just very wary of starting anything up with me again considering my past behavior?"

I'm sure he is dear, and rightfully so ya' know? I'm not trying to beat you up here or make you feel bad about yourself, we've all been there so you're not alone in that or being judged for it...my only point is that it's clear something is going on inside of you that is causing you to act out on it - and until you take the time and space to work that out, you're going to just repeat the behavior.

I don't think HE is the solution....I think the solution lies within YOURSELF :-); April 18, 2014 at 1:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror:

Would you consider this a red flag: A man tells you that he retiring “with investments soon” and he will be “well off, financially”. Then after months, you find out it’s investments in currency- like the viet nam dong- and nothing has happened (and probably won’t). Even if he believes this to be true himself– is it a lie? I’m not about money, but I’m a bit disappointed because I’ve told my parents (and people at work) that he’s retiring soon and I don’t see it happening anytime soon. It's kind of a let-down, even though in every other way he seems like a "good guy" and I don't see anything else as a red flag.; April 19, 2014 at 5:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 19, 5:52 AM,
"Even if he believes this to be true himself– is it a lie?"

If he believes it, I don't think it's a lie. And as far as being a red flag, here's how I look at men like this - the reality is that the "dreamers" (as much as I hate to say this)...they will probably ALWAYS let you down (disappoint you). And the reason for that is because you buy into what they're selling, their dream, and you follow along, possibly sacrificing things in the process because you're now investing into his dream as well on some level...and then the dream never becomes a reality. Instead, it's just one big disappointment after another. Even if the guy means well and he believes this himself, the let down happens.

I'm not saying dreamers are bad or that folks shouldn't dream. The problem comes in when they place all their eggs (and their feet) into the dream basket...instead of keeping some of those eggs (and their feet) on the ground, in reality. It's okay to have dreams that you're attempting to reach, while you're still grounded in reality and have Plan B in place in things don't work out. But when your not grounded and you don't have Plan B and you're just flying by the seat of your pants, expecting others to fly right along with you without any guarantees...that's a recipe for disaster.

The dreamers aren't bad...but when they don't have at least one foot on the ground - they can actually be a bit dangerous. Meaning, giving up your life and investing yourself into their dream, a dream that may or may not payoff, is dangerous - to YOUR future.

Following the dreamer without his feet on the ground...can end with you being dropped from his hot air balloon and hitting the ground with a thud. So just be mindful and realize that his dream is his dream. If he wants to make sacrifices and investments in it, fine. But if he expects you to do the same, without any guarantees, then that becomes a problem.; April 19, 2014 at 11:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

So my DM has been initiating conversation with me responds to all my texts within two minutes. He most definitely does not ignore me in fact he's been seeking me out and with a vengeance, opening up more with his emotions and work ( he's a very private guy). We still have not seen each other, he doesn't live in my state and both of us have been super busy. So we will get together hopefully very soon but definitely no sex yet. I will be holding out because I feel he hasn't earned that part of me yet. This is the first time since we began talking again that a week has gone by and we have not spoken, I know a week in a man's world is nothing but to us women feels like eternity. So I have not reached out to him and have fallen back. He also said he would do something and he did not follow through so I had this urge to rip him a new one but I followed my new MOA ways and sat on my hands and did NOT contact him. Not a peep out of me! Letting my silence speak volumes.

When he reaches out again which he will, especially since he hasn't heard form me, how should I go about this. I will not respond to him for 2 or 3 days but in terms of finally responding back. Should I even bring it up which I feel I shouldn't it'll go in one ear and out the other. Actions not words!!!!!!!!!! I guess my real question is how do I go about showing that I am upset without yelling and saying that I'm mad at him. As we know that doesn't work with many men, but get the point across to him that this will not be tolerated. I don't want to scold him and come across as his mother but I want to be different from most of the women he's dated. And hopefully he will take notice and change his way of doing things.

Thanks Mirror

--Jennifer; April 21, 2014 at 2:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jennifer,
Let's approach this from the perspective of being a "different" woman. And let's start with what the majority of women do versus what would be perceived as "different" (unexpected) behavior from a woman by a man.

"I want to be different from most of the women he's dated"

Okay so...what is the knee-jerk reaction that most women deliver when upset? They VERBALIZE it. They, as you stated, tend to lean towards an ass ripping, LOL, and they communicate their emotions via words.

Having established what the majority of women do and what the reaction men EXPECT to receive from a woman...what now, is the opposite of that - what is a "different" reaction?

ACTIONS - not words. That's the reverse reaction, the complete opposite of what is expected.

"how do I go about showing that I am upset without yelling and saying that I'm mad at him"

You don't SAY it (words), you SHOW it (actions).

And what shows that something isn't appreciated or isn't going to be tolerated? Not acknowledging it. Not breathing life into it (via words), not reacting to it, not taking action on it - basically...ignoring it or the individual.

When someone treats you bad or takes you for granted, upsets you, disappoints you, etc. a consequence needs to be issued for that. And the consequence isn't a lecture. The REAL consequence is - no access to you.

I'm not sure what he said he would do. But here's the thing - if you keep talking to him and responding to him AFTER this disappointment, even if you take 2-3 days to do so...you're losing the effect of "timing" here. Meaning, the consequence of no access to you HAS to take place IMMEDIATELY after the disappointment, ignorance or whatever took place. Because when it takes place immediately, the individual then wonders, "Why aren't they responding to me?" And the process that follows that will be one of reflection - meaning - they'll think back to the very LAST exchange they had with you for the answer, for what went wrong. And when they do that, chances are, they'll realize they were supposed to do something that they indeed failed to do. And then voila' - they've nailed the issue without YOU having to say a word. And they've done this through a very definitive thought process. If you are around immediately following the event that upset you...then this thought process NEVER takes place - because you're not absent. And when you're not absent, they've got no reason to realize you're upset. And when they don't realize you're upset, they never take the time to investigate why you're upset.

Cont...; April 21, 2014 at 3:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I hate to compare men to dogs LOL, but for lack of a better example, when working with dogs and performing behavioral training - timing is CRUCIAL. If the correction of the bad behavior is not made within 3-5 seconds after it - the dog's brain never associates the negative reprimand with the bad behavior. But if the corrective action is taken within the first 3-5 seconds after the bad behavior, the dog's brain immediately associates the correction with the bad behavior. The dog says, "Hmm, everytime I chew the rug, I get placed outside. I don't want to be outside alone, so I won't chew the rug...because everytime I chew the rug, I end up outside alone afterwards."

If the dog chews the rug while you're at work and then you come home, see it, and instantly fly into a hissy over it, yelling at the dog...the dog will be UTTERLY and completely confused as to what's wrong. That's not training, that's chaos to a dog. And the dog may even associate you coming home with a negative reaction and cower from you when you enter the house as a result. Because in the dogs brain, it's saying, "Hmm, she came home the other day and yelled at me. So maybe everytime the door opens, I'll get yelled at." Because you see...the dog's brain is going back to the VERY LAST THING that happened in search of the answer - to connect the negative reaction from you with.

Human beings learn much in the same manner - it's a reward/punishment system.

Which is why "time outs" for children immediately following bad behavior are so commonplace and such a valued parenting practice. There's no physical hitting or verbal yelling...there's simply a chair alone in a corner that awaits.

So if you're upset about something this man has or has not done - waiting 2-3 days isn't the answer. Disappearing without a word and refusing to respond to his attempts until HE acknowledges he's disappointed you and HE signals that he knows exactly why - is your best bet here. With these disappearing/reappearing men, when they return, you HAVE to put them through the wringer so-to-speak. You HAVE to make them WORK HARD at winning your attentions again, you have to make them PROVE they're serious about this. And the best way to do that...is to test how willing they are to actually WORK at the relationship by thinking about you (not just themselves) and taking the proper actions to right any wrongs they've done.

Anything short of that will most likely only see you facing an exact repeat of your first experience with them. And if they don't step up or they don't try hard - accept that for what it is. It's a signal to you that they're not genuinely interested and they're not concerned with your feelings and they don't really care what you're upset about - and they need to be kicked to the curb for that.; April 21, 2014 at 3:10 PM
Anonymous said...: I guess I was just giving him time to see if he would remember on his own and do what he said he would. We did have that happen in the past where he did say he would do something but I did not remind him about it and a couple of days later he did do it without me mentioning it to him. I didn't expect him to remember it but he did and he followed through so I though the same would happen this time but no. I didn't realize that I was very upset about it till the weekend and I really wanted to react and contact him but I kept repeating to myself " the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results". So I decided to not react at all especially since I was quite emotional and having terrible PMS. I just felt so emotional over the weekend and decided it was a wise choice to hold back but I have been busy and I know he will contact me. So I will remain silent until he acknowledges what he has done. I do feel that he initially wanted things easy but he did not leave when he realized we were going back to square one, make me feel comfortable again, and work at this. Let's see what happens

Thanks.

--Jennifer; April 21, 2014 at 5:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I've gone No Contact with my DM after being poorly treated, disrespected and lied to. After 4 wks of no contact he rang my phone late one night, no voicemail, text nothing. It just rang.

Do I simply ignore this lame, cowardly, half assed attempt at contact? He hasnt reached out since. He really thinks I owe HIM and apology/explanation...

-NYCGal; April 23, 2014 at 4:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @NYCGal,
Yep ignore it...he gets no response until he apologizes and or signals that he wants to "talk" (not just hookup late at night). And if he fails to do that, his loss, not yours - he gets nothing unless he earns it and proves himself to be genuine (instead of selfish) :-); April 23, 2014 at 4:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
VERY interesting piece gals on the psychological effect called "The Benjamin Franklin Effect:"

"It's an idea rooted in "The Benjamin Franklin Effect" -- a psychological phenomenon, discovered by the founding father himself, that suggests we grow to like people for whom we do nice things.

The folks at Soul Pancake decided to put this effect to the test in their latest video about the science of love. They recruited several couples to participate in the experiment; while one parter spent the entire time doting on the other -- verbally expressing their love in various ways and even bringing their partner a drink -- the other partner did nothing.

At the end of the experiment, the partners who spent their time being overly nice were five percent more attracted to their significant others than they were at the beginning of the exercise, based on questionnaires taken before and after the test.

The takeaway?

"Make sure you allow room in the relationship for the other person to also give it back and invest in you," host Julian says. "So maybe don't insist on paying the bill every time, or driving to their place every time. Give them a shot to invest and put just as much into as you do ... give your partner a chance to contribute."

And there's a video to accompany it that explains the effect: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMsxYztfrvA; April 24, 2014 at 4:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Moral of the Story Above Ladies:

The more you "do, do, do" for these guys...the more YOU like THEM.

It's NOT the other way around.

Refrain from "do, do, doing" all the time for them - and let them invest in you for once :-); April 24, 2014 at 4:30 PM
WomenPower said...: Dear MOA,

As the Sun transits your Taurus sign these days, I wish you Happy birthday :)

Thanks for your great work! Your blog has helped me to reconcile with my past.

Enjoy a fragment from W. Blake poetry:

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour...

Hugs and Cheers from Europe!; April 25, 2014 at 3:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @WomenPower,
Thank you dear - your timing is just about spot on, my birthday was just a couple days ago :-); April 25, 2014 at 7:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I also wish you a happy birthday - may you be healthy, happy and joyful and may all you wishes come true! And may your energy to help and advise the ladies here lasts! (-:
Hopeful; April 25, 2014 at 1:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Not really about a disappearing man but can I ask you about a family matter whereby I feel I've been disrespected, taken for granted and I don't know how to respond as it is tricky as it is close family.

It's not the first time over many years I've seen the true colours of this in-law we get on most of the time but every now and then something is illuminated or I find out something by chance for example one time she was texting her friend - I was mentioned in it, something negative,it wasn't called for but she sent it to me by accident :) She managed to talk her way out of it and apologised profusely but there's always a doubt and other incidents.

Without going into major detail most recently I had helped out with a minor family crisis but a mistake had been made which was nobodies fault really but a mixture of things. However, my niece let the cat out of the bag and said that her mum had said she was not very happy with me infront of her and other close relatives. God bless children they're just so honest. She was not happy because even though things had go wrong that were no-ones fault she expected me to resolve it in a way that she wanted and I had restrictions on me at the time.

Anyway my niece lets the cat out of the bag, other family members know that I'm not happy now not because of who said did this or that or not that but the fact that I felt I had been taken for granted in helping as it had been thrown back in my face that she had expressed her disapproval and had no understanding of her expectations of me and bad mouthed me to other family members.

Oh boy she knows now I discussed it with the other members who were just trying to keep the peace but what has happened now is the in-law has sent a txt saying, apologising and that they'd got it wrong blamed it on the other person my niece (their child) for not telling the full story, when I'd heard their account (niece) of what happened and it was fine. From that they go on to say it's no wonder there was a misunderstanding but I see it as they are not taking responsibility even though they have said it is totally their fault the misunderstanding they have written this under the context is that my neice has not said the full story and blamed it on them.

I just think she has wanted and expected me to do something for her that when I have not totally sorted out the problem for her she has criticised and bad mouthed me. She gets a lot of help off my other close family members and sometimes I think she just expects others to do do do for her.; April 30, 2014 at 5:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Cont...

So I've got this text and I don't want a family conflict it's not worth it and the situation that happened doesn't warrant either but I think her reaction wasn't warranted either and it's left me with a bad taste in my mouth, especially as there's been other events in the past.

We get on most of the time but I find myself thinking umm true colours and I can't bear any disingenuiness and like to be authentic in my communications.

I've not responded to her apology yet as the only way fit I could see is some silence because I do feel disrespected and that she is only apologising because she thinks she's got the story wrong when her annoyance is misplaced really regardless of the story I'm not happy she has been talking about me in this manner and having this view about me, not that I can control that but it is out of order.

So what to do about it, it's difficult with families and sometimes you just have to get on and I will have to let go of it.

Just wondered what you thought Mirror of how I can honour my own feelings without upsetting the apple car further?? I have chosen to speak with my silence for now but soon I will have to acknowledge this person and I can't really do a no contact. I would not want any confrontation but I find it difficult accepting this false apology, I don't mean false that she doesn't mean it but false that it's not a true account and acceptance of responsibility.

Will it be enough to briefly ignore them?

I thought about just saying something very brief and minimal as 'Ok x' I can't bring myself to collude with it but I can't speak my mind either as things could just be made a million times worse.

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on what to do and say?? It's tricky...

thank you; April 30, 2014 at 5:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 30, 5:08 PM,
I understand dear, and I don't like to let bullies go "unchecked" either, particularly when/if they're hurting others and doing emotional damage as a result. So I get that.

But in this case, it's family, so that changes the dynamic. And here's the thing with bullies...somehow, someway, somewhere, sometime...they all get what's coming to them dear, with or without intervention on your part. They're their own worst enemies and how this is usually brought about for them is via their own actions and self-destructive behavior. Eventually, it catches up with them. They either offend the wrong person or come off looking half-cocked to the rest of the world which ultimately ends up seeing them isolated from everybody else, selfishly power tripping their life away, and as karma would have it...the universe brings that right back to their own doorstep eventually.

When people are intense, offensive, insulting and emotionally charged at the drop of a hat...their words and their behavior becomes a reflection of them dear. And that reflection they project onto the rest of the world and dominantly onto others - ends up isolating them from people. Because people move away from that type of energy, they are not drawn towards it and they do not follow it...they back away from it. And eventually these individuals find themselves alone - and without an audience. People don't take them seriously, see them as dangerous to themselves with their self-destructive behavior and selfish agendas, and through that, the person loses their ability to intimidate others eventually.

It sounds to me as if there may have been some misunderstanding here, possibly on both parts I'm not sure, but either way, clearly it's a confused situation to some extent and most likely, anything that was said or written was done so during a heightened emotional state. People are human after all, ya' know? And as a result, they do act on their emotions, sometimes even when they shouldn't. To err is human.

I don't think entering into a confrontation here, particularly at this time, is wise. What may be best is to remain silent for an extended period of time, possibly never even acknowledging their apology. That sends a message to them that, yea, you're not really buying it, but you're moving on and away from it. And then at a much later date and time, I can guarantee you, you'll have the opportunity to revisit this matter. Meaning, if this individual has a pattern of this type of drama, they'll do it again. And the next time it happens, the opportunity may present itself for you to "check" this individual and call "bullsh*t" on them, ya' know? It's similar to lying in wait...for the right time to strike, LOL.

Controlling your reaction to them this time (a reaction they're expecting by the way, but not getting)...may better position you to call them on their bully behavior in the future, when you swoop up out of nowhere and deliver your truth :-); May 1, 2014 at 8:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror for your helpful reply!,

I've been silent for the best part of a day, I'm in a difficult position though in extending this silence indefinitely or even a bit longer...

1. Knowing this person I think it is quite probable that she may re-contact because I know that she will realise what she has done and will especially hear my silence and with the added pressure that she is married to my sibling I think she may feel pressured and uncomfortable by my silence. Me and my other close relations are involved a lot in helping her, so I think she would be worried to about any repercussions further.

I don't want any bad feeling continuing it is making me feel uncomfortable and I think coz of the above she will re-contact, a text is not too bad but if she calls me it will be difficult because I won't be able to say anything as it will lead to confrontation or defensiveness and I don't want the situation snowballing any further and there is a danger that I will just totally be too nice about it and I will not feel good about myself for not being true to myself. I definitely don't want her calling me coz of this and I'd rather deal with it in a text to avoid disruption. I'm wondering what I can say in a text something really minimal as a token acknowledgement of her apology.

2. I don't want my sibling affected by it all and it affecting my relationship with them. They talked to me as it happened and there has definitely been a discussion between them whereby she has realised what she has done - hence the text apology even though it was blaming their child in a sense to get out of it.

3. What will probably happen if I don't accept her apology is others will turn on me for carrying it on and not accepting the apology and I will be seen as the trouble maker, I've seen it happen before and then I'm the one that has to start defending myself and I had to do this yesterday.

I have to go and help again soon, I won't see the in-law but will see my sibling and he may get annoyed as he's a bloke and just doesn't want the aggravation.

So I'm pressured by time to respond, I don't think I can ignore her text indefinitely, so could you advise what I could say minimal to acknowledge her put a line under it but to honour myself but let her know that I'm not buying it, ummm difficult... I can't think of anything but to reply with 'Ok x' or Ok thanks x, as even though it is not ok with me I feel as though I have to say something, can't think what else to say and however I do think that a minimal response will get her thinking especially as I've waited also will make her realise her actions are not ok with my and I'm not buying it.

What do you advise Mirror?

Thank you; May 1, 2014 at 10:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 1, 10:50 AM,
I'd probably say something to the effect of, "Okay, thanks for addressing it" and then leave it at that. No "x" or "xo" or anything because that completely absolves her if you attach "love" to it - it will signal that you're declaring her completely free from blame.

You only need to remain civil and acknowledge her apology in this moment - you're not required to attach "love" to it though. If that's something that's usually included in your communication with her, leaving it out is a subtle signal to her that this one is not sitting well with you, however, you're moving past it...and you're also leaving her with something to think about.; May 1, 2014 at 11:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Ms Mirror for your advice re: text, you're right about the x it is in the normal communication, I've followed your advice...it does feel a bit uncomfortable not sending the usual x probably because it makes me feel a bit guilty although I've nothing to feel guilty about but I suppose that's about being conditioned to be 'nice' but it's no good being nice out of guilt and you have to value yourself and show people how you expect to be treated via actions I suppose.

thanks again for your advice - appreciated :); May 1, 2014 at 12:58 PM
Unknown said...: Hi there, i love your advices, i never read a blog so much as read this one.
I'm a 34 year old brazilian scorpio woman who was (i didn't really know if i still am) dating an aquarius guy, very different from me in regards to how we deal with emotions. Though that my be a little difficult to deal with, i like the challenge, it helps me growing and evolving.
He is a very busy guy, works for tv and i have a very different life, i'm a mother of a 4 year-old who is still living with my ex husband. I know, that sounds weird. But it's just that divorce takes time, he just recently found a house and is moving pretty soon.
Me and this guy i am/was dating lives in a different city, but fairly close.
We have been seeing each other for 4 months. Everything was really great : we have great sexual chemistry, we have many interest in common, a level of similar interests that is difficult to find out there, our communication is fairly good, when we are together we laugh, we look each other deep down in the eyes, we exchange fun and positive messages through facebook, sometimes we just exchange links about things we like...
I know what went wrong, things went a bit too quickly and i was too available and moving my life around to see him. Because when you have a child you have to organise yourself very well to be able to spend the night out.
Also, his parents live in a lovely house on the mountains and he invited me to go there "one day" , then there was a holiday coming up and we talked about this possibility and i committed the mistake of considering taking my son. On the next conversation he was said things like "i'm worried about our expectations", "when i invited you to go to my parents house it wasn't to have such a strong meaning" ... i said we didn't need to travel, as long as we enjoyed one day out of the whole holiday would be fine. Then the went through, he was quiet, not looking for me, but since he works a lot i try to give him space and don't look much for him either, at most i sent a link to a video clip (not romantic or anything, just good music we like to share), then i didn't resist and sent a message saying that i missed him , he said he did too but was full of work, two days later i sent links with options of parties we could go during the holiday and because i saw that he saw the msgs and didn't say anithing, on the same day i started a chat asking how he was doing and so on and through the conversation he said things like: " i'm having a romanceXfreedom conflict" "i don't want to hurt myself or anyone".. so i replied: "I understand. It's a shame. But i understand." and he says "Don't say it's a shame just yet" , " i didn't want this", i reply " "you are confusing me" and he says " i just want to say one thing : i like you very much" ," but let's breathe a little during this holiday"
The days were tough during the holiday,i felt depressed at first but i slowly tried to concentrate in healing myself and got my thinking straighter by occupying my time running on the beach, reading and meditating.
Now a week has passed since that holiday and the only contact i got was through facebook once he called my name to see if i was online and sent a snoopy saying "boo", which i replied on the next day with a just a smile.
I'm trying to win him over inspired on the techniques you mentioned, that's why i though i would be brief but nice on the first contact.
He didn't say anything for 3 days, until yesterday he messaged me on facebook something that relates to our relationship the number "11:11" ( i said to him once how i started seeing this number everywhere since i met him). I did not reply , because 1) i think i need to use the no contact technique, 2) i don't even know what to say and 3) i'm afraid he's just a player
Would you share your expertise with me on this one ?; May 1, 2014 at 10:58 PM
Anonymous said...: hi,

Im a Taurean women whom fell for a Virgo/Libra man, his birthday is on the cusp October 20th. I've been a single parent of two most of my life, since I was 23, with a few on/off dates in between.

im now 37. ive known him 2 and a half yearsI i realise I was soo naïve. I fell for his lies about his divorce, and the problems in his marriage. He would make out that his wife was the problem. I genuinely believed his him. Felt sorry for him. It was a distance relationship, we did not live in the same town.
When I met him he practically moved in. It happened all very quickly. The red flags were there but I ignored them. He knew I had a good heart. I was never spiteful or malicious to his marriage. I was helpful and tried to support him with his problems, when I realised he was never going to leave her, and I was his comfort blanket, but by this time my feelings for him were very strong, and he continued on odd occasions sleeping with me, but our contact was not frequent. I always initiated. it was only when I threatened I had, had enough of his excuses that he would contact me.
At the beginning we would see each other every week, he would call me religiously then after a year it suddenly stopped. just like that. he told it me was over. I was devastated, but continued to get sucked in. We were now just friends. It continued like that for another year, until I found recently found out eight months after my birthday celebrations in May, that he had been having an affair with my best friend. when I asked her she lied. so the next day I called him and he was so blaze about giving her his number, and I knew they were in communication through a messaging service, and their behaviours were odd. I was heartbroken. and when I started looking into it in more depth. All i got was was complete avoidance from both. no answers, no explanation. nothing. They both became angry and defensive, blaming me. He would attack me, every time I called, say really horrible things to me, and hang up on me. I realized they were no longer my friends. That they had been saying horrible things about me behind my back. He was slating me too her. I was mortified. I called his wife and told her he was a cheat. no details or conversation, and then hung up. He hasn't accused me directly, but told me I was a troublecauser.
In January he ceased all commmunication. I havnt communicated with him since February, when he saw me in a nightclub and wanted to act as though everything was fine, but when he saw I wasn't fine with it, he switched and started verbally attacking me. I recently saw him at a friends birthday party and he when he made his entrance saying hi to everyone.. and then when he saw me he fixated and just starred at me, and didn't say anything. I was so hurt inside, i clammed up, I just starred back at him and then couldn't look at him any longer so I turned my head away. I think he got the message and then left the room. I couldn't bear being in the same place as him so i went outside and sat in my car. Around 15 minutes later he came outside alone and went and sat in a friends car. We were both aware of each other, but no communication. Around 15 minutes later, He then got his mates together and left.; May 3, 2014 at 5:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @bia f,
Well, first of all, I've written on the number 111:
http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2010/04/numerology-definitions-111-333-1111.html

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2009/10/111-spiritual-quotes-for-inspirational.html

And regarding your situation, it appears that some NC may be necessary. Not necessarily to get him back, but for YOU to detach from him somewhat so that you don't get hurt here badly. If your gut is rumbling about this man being a player, then I'd listen to it, don't ignore that, and play it safe. It appears to me as if he desires something casual and uncommitted, something sporadic that isn't regular and isn't "relationship" heavy.

And if that's not something you want dear, if you don't want to settle for that, then don't. Begin to detach and pull away to free yourself to move on. If you stay thinking that may eventually change, realize that you're not guaranteed that, and you may waste years waiting only in the end to find it wasn't meant to be.

I don't think this man wants a relationship. While I do believe he likes you and wants to see you, I don't believe he wants a relationship as his actions are signaling that. And like I said, if you want a relationship dear, then it'd be best to move on from this man. If a man doesn't ask for a commitment within the first 6 months of dating, then chances are, he's never going to. So you could give this two more months if you like, and if nothing changes or develops by then, then you walk away and you find a man that wants what you want :-); May 3, 2014 at 9:44 AM
Anonymous said...: hi aphrodite, Taurean women, could really use some of your expertise...where to go from here?? it hurts really, really bad :-( Although there probably is only one way to go??; May 3, 2014 at 2:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Taurean Woman,
Well dear, he's a cheat and a liar - he's no Prince Charming. There's an old saying, "If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you." And apparently, he's living proof of that, ya' know?

The situation is toxic, he is toxic and going around poisoning women's lives - his wife's, yours and your girlfriends because he'll do the same exact thing to her...he's got a pattern here. People's past behaviors many times can predict their future ones.

And there's another old saying dear, "Evil has to be invited in." That's why in vampire movies, they can't enter someone's home unless they're invited. Don't invite this into your life. Don't wish for it. The negativity and toxicity that this man brings along with him is no one's idea of a happy ending. Happily hand him over to your girlfriend, wipe your hands clean of him, and find a good man that wants what you want and that appreciates all you have to offer and doesn't take it for granted :-); May 4, 2014 at 8:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror,

I'd just like to ask your advice about a disappearing brief on-line experience if I may. What it is I was chatting briefly to a guy about three weeks ago he was expressing interest to meet up, wanted to exchange photos and as I'm not on FB and I didn't want to give him my private email I gave him my phone number.

Anyway this seem to kill it and he didn't respond to that but I saw that he was still very active on there. I had a feeling and I know that this is an assumption but I thought he may have been frightened off by that or at least was unsure about taking the next step - contacting me on my phone. Anyway I wrote him off and carried on...I saw that he viewed my profile a couple of times after this in the space of a week but I didn't respond at all looking at his and just thought well he'd been given my number if he was interested then that's the route to take...

Anyway 3wks later I get this text saying Hi (my user name, now I had definitely given him my real name, so he's obviously forgot that) thanks for the number moving house took far too long. Hope you are well (and then his actual name and username in brackets.

Now I do remember him saying about just buying a house but the fact of the matter is that it's not really a proper good enough excuse, as he was still very active on the site after ignoring my message with my number, when he had asked how we could share more photos and there's is no reason why he couldn't have offered this at the time. So he has obviously just used the 'moving house' excuse although this maybe true that he has moved, it's not really a decent excuse in the context as he was remaining active on there, so no way I'm buying it.

He will have definitely been talking to other girls, it is on-line dating but if there is any other reason of why he ignored my message and stopped communicating suddenly as I think the phone number presented the next step and he did not want to do this at that stage for whatever reason...; May 4, 2014 at 4:27 PM
Anonymous said...: cont...

I'm not really bothered...but as I said he's sent this text 3wks later.... I got it 5 nights ago and I'm not sure what to do and wanted to ask your advice. I've just been sitting on it and I thought if I gave it a bit of time I'd either think ahh I can't be bothered, forget about the fact that he's text me or think well no harm in texting him back. I've still not decided what I want to do and I think it is because with this on-line dating, by default I end up in an eggs in one basket scenario, it's not by choice and currently I have someone else I'm chatting to and he has my private number. I don't know if anythings going to come of it in terms of meeting up it's too early to say but with this re-appearance of the previous guy texting me, I'm thinking well there is an opportunity here for me to potentially go on a date with more than one guy and keep my options open and not have my eggs in one basket. I do understand that it is quality over quantity but sadly at the moment there is not an abundance of options -quality or quantity LOL.

However, with the above scenario in the context of his behaviour in the very early stages of on-line dating should I be responding to this guy who has text me after a disappearance of 3wks with that excuse? I'm not sure how to judge his behaviour in the context and wondered what you thought? Should I have the mindset that his behaviour is the norm of on-line dating or should I be thinking that he's not worth a try because I want to date other men.

It is because of the eggs in one basket scenario and probably a boredom of lack of options that I'm considering responding to his text is that a good enough reason? - that I would be using this guy as an opportunity to potentially go on a date/socialise with more than one guy for a change? Or do you think that how he behaved is not acceptable? I've not come to a firm conclusion yet and that is why I'd like to ask your opinion if I may, as I value it and you talk a lot of common sense... I think it would help me get the right perspective on it and clarity on what to do...reply or not??

Many thanks; May 4, 2014 at 4:27 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror,

I've just posted about the moving house excuse man... I just wanted to ask you quickly about the other man that I'm chatting to on there, I've made it clear that I would not consider a date until we speak. He is away at the moment but still said that he would maybe call me yesterday but he didn't and now he has apologized that he hasn't but not really given me a reason why, only something really vague, he is an attorney (I read your other post that they are well versed on communicating) LOL I'm not sure if he is going to follow through and do this, time will tell, he has mentioned dates of when he might be able to come and take me out, again I have said I'd have to speak to him first. I'm not sure if he's stringing me along yet, time will tell, I thought initially with him being away that he would continue to just text and call when back in the country (fine by me) but he suggested he might ring while away but continues to just text.

I'm just going to monitor this but in the meantime until it reveals itself on whether he's going to step up, I don't know how to respond to this and continue communicating. I've been trying to think what you'd say/do? Should I not acknowledge his apology that he's not called and just carry on communicating as norm and see if he steps up, I think he is home next week or do I say something and what?? Sorry no idea how to continue with him and would really appreciate your thoughts...

Many thanks; May 4, 2014 at 4:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Update from Confused:
My DM has come back. As a refresher, this is a guy I met a few months ago, went on several dates with over the course of 2 months or so, and then he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship right now, so I listened to what he said and fell back. Since we last saw each other and had that conversation in January, he’s come back a few times initiating conversations, saying I miss you and talking meeting up, and then failing to follow through on setting up a time to hangout and falling off when I respond to his texts and give him attention, so I went NC in February. After about 3 weeks of not hearing a peep, he sends a text saying hi in March. I ignored that. It’s been a little over a month or so since then and he calls last night but then doesn’t leave a voicemail. Perhaps his thought process is finally kicking in about all of the games/stunts he’s been pulling and he’s wondering why I haven’t reached out to him or responded to him in more than 2 months. After all of the uncertainty that I dealt with in regards to him disappearing and reappearing and expecting me to be waiting with open arms and excitement when he returned, I figured it best I signal to him that I do indeed have a life and won’t jump whenever he feels like returning from whatever he’s been doing.

Mirror, I know you advised that I make him work hard to ever get my attention again so that he’ll learn to stop taking it for granted - I’m still deciding what that definition of hard should be, but perhaps if he decides to attempt again, he’ll leave a voicemail and indicate that he’d like to talk and isn’t just calling to stroke his ego and see if I’m waiting on him to return. But NC is working for me…I saw the number flash across the screen last night and didn’t get all excited like I normally do…just watched it ring and let it go to voicemail. My friend was jumping up and down urging me to answer it but I calmly told her no LOL. Besides, if he thinks he can call on a Saturday night and expect me to be available to him after we haven’t talked for so long, he thought wrong. I would still be open to giving him another chance if he proved he was serious this time…but there’s nothing showing that this is any different from what he’s done before, so I don’t think he’s there yet. Therefore NC continues and we’ll see if I get a reappearance that I can take seriously. Definitely thankful for all of the lessons I’ve learned from this blog!; May 4, 2014 at 4:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Taurean woman would like say a big Thankyou Mirror for your knowledgable insight!!
His wife has just had a baby..whom is now a month old.
He hasn't been employed for the two and half years ive known him.
Why do I hate myself for allowing him to be a part of my life?? Why do I hate that him and her still carry on like I don't exist?? No apologies, no explanations from either??
Did I really invite Evil into my life??
I struggle with my feelings??
Funny..how when my friend was backed into a corner and had no choice but to confess. Her last words to me were that he was an 'Evil and Horrible person'...however, I still can't help wonder.. If that's the case...isn't it funny how it took her 8 months of hiding it from me, to only confess when the truth came from the horse's mouth (him). Should I appreciate his honesty?? He told me that they hadn't slept together, but if they had he would have told me if they did. As he did find her attractive.
I just want and wish for the pain to go away so I can move on with my life and forget they ever existed.; May 5, 2014 at 4:43 PM

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