Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

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Anonymous said...: Gemini50: I just wanted to let you know that I have been following your blogs religiously.
A scorpio bought me to Ms Mirror’s site too

Please know this, your experiences and writings are a great source of inspiration and strength. I keenly await your updates to see how things are unfolding

I am not the greatest at sharing my thoughts and feelings but I thought it be only fair now to share some of my experiences.

Ms Mirror: Your advice is as clear as is comes. I cannot question it and all I know is it is “right”. When I feel myself wavering and wanting to contact my ex I come to your site to steady myself again. Thank You for such a marvelous space you have created.

I only had a 3 month relationship with my ex Scorpio, but it was enough to cause sufficient damage….well…he did indeed break my heart.

I did break the rules, I slept with him too fast…. I didn’t know at the time what that would entail.

He broke things off after I had got upset one day. When I say I upset, I did not shout or scream…but only a tear rolling down my cheek when I told him “I felt like an afterthought to him”. A week later he broke things off, citing that things were not working out on some level. He knew he was a confused man and that he needed someone to raise him out of his darkness.

Our relationship was always lighthearted and we had a level of commitment...he had called me his “girlfriend” and he had met some of my family. He had said he thought I was wonderful and that he really liked me.
We had never really argued as all and all I can say is that things were going well. It was a shock when it all came to a halt.

In hindsight I think his ego got the better of him [and me]

My Ex Scorpio had a history of broken relationships, he was divorced after a short marriage and met me 6 months later after his engagement to another lady broke off.

I was confused by this behavior and my mind was reeling, so I told him how I truly felt about him…”I had fallen for him hard”
His response was that he “did not feel the same way” and that “he would like to be friends.”

The one thing I know I did right was to say “thanks…but no thanks” to this offer, it was just not possible for me….and I have feeling things would have got worse for me.

Ms Mirror this is when I found your site. It’s been 5 months since I last communicated with Scorpio and I am moving on, [thanks to all your lovely pearls of wisdom]

Time is a healer for sure but here is where I might sound a little nutty. I felt the universe had bought Scorpio and I together you see. There is a reason I say this because the one time in my life I had seen a clairvoyant she had predicted with great clarity that I would meet my Scorpio [she had described him to a T].

I am not an experienced dater, in fact I never felt the need to be with someone.
So when he came into my life it felt right.
I know it’s odd. So I was heartbroken when it all ended.

Can I say though…I still feel sad. I thought I could help him/elevate him. I could see a great guy in him. But obviously I was not enough to make him want to change…or at least try.

I’m 37 and I have had a lot of time to reflect and make some changes to my life. This Friday will be a year from when we first met. I truly hope he is well….but I would so like to see him, even if it was just one more time. I cannot be the one to initiate contact. Ms Mirror, it almost feels ingrained in me now not to do so.

It’s been 5 months now and I wonder if I even cross his mind now.

Gemini50/Ms Mirror, it’s been a roller coaster…and I don’t know where my path is heading….but I listen to my intuition now and hope it guides me well.

Lottie x; July 15, 2014 at 5:28 AM
Anonymous said...: This is Anonymous Jul 13, 11:06 AM. Thanks so much MOA! I agree with every word you say. Do you think there's any way to turn this around though so that he leads? I guess I should just pull back a lot right? Thing is he doesn't seem the type to chase so I doubt he'll do that if I play hard to get. He's very much someone looking for equal show of interest...

I know it was probably too early for me to have asked for what I did but you're 100% right that it just wasn't sitting well with me that I started all this.

Any tips much appreciated!; July 15, 2014 at 2:56 PM
JD said...: Hi all!! I'm still alive and kicking. I've got great news to share. But I have to catch up on reading first lol; July 15, 2014 at 4:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 15, 2:56 PM,
"Thing is he doesn't seem the type to chase so I doubt he'll do that if I play hard to get."

Never make assumptions about men dear. He seems that way to you because he's gotten away with being a slacker about things, so naturally - no, he's not chasing, he's being lazy. And he's being lazy because he's gotten away with it and reaped rewards from it. But trust me...men go after what it is they want, that's what makes them men.

"He's very much someone looking for equal show of interest..."

Hmm...I understand men want equals dear but here's the thing. GENTLEMEN do NOT expect a woman to chase and pursue. They know that men lead and as gentlemen, that's what they do.

And if this guy truly will not lift a finger for you...that's a big red flag. Players who are insecure have that attitude - gentlemen do not. If this guy isn't going to lift a finger for you now - he never will dear - it'll always be you towing the line and doing all the work to keep the relationship afloat.

And you need to think long and hard about whether or not a man with a bad attitude about his role in relationships is truly going to make you happy.

Think about it...Is a man that won't lift a finger for you truly going to make you happy in the long run? If he always makes you pay your half, or doesn't open the door for you, or pull out your chair for you, because you can do that for yourself...is he really going to make you happy as a woman?

Is a man that NEVER treats YOU SPECIAL, and instead treats you more like a dude that's one of his pals...truly going to be good for your self esteem and confidence as a woman? Is he going to ever be capable of fulfilling any romantic needs?

Probably not...so you may want to think about that dear.; July 15, 2014 at 5:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lottie X,
"all I know is it is “right”

You know why you feel so strongly about that dear and why so much of what I say resonates with women? Because deep down inside....we all know what we need to make us feel happy - and we all know that settling for less than we deserve does not do that - and that standing up for ourselves may not always get us the guy - but the confidence and empowerment that comes from it...is ultimately far more rewarding than some strange man's approval or acceptance :-)

"The one thing I know I did right was to say “thanks…but no thanks” to this offer"

You did the right thing - that only would've pained you further.

"I felt the universe had bought Scorpio and I together you see. There is a reason I say this because the one time in my life I had seen a clairvoyant she had predicted with great clarity that I would meet my Scorpio [she had described him to a T]"

And that very well may have been the case dear - but NOT for the reasons you ASSUMED :-)

I've dated many an asshole trust me LOL. As a matter of fact, the first 20 years of my life were chalk full of em. But I don't hate these men. I carry no ill will for them. You know why?

Because I would NOT be the woman I am today - without them - without their help. Each one of them blew into my life at pivotal moments. Moments I thought had meaning. And in the end, they did. Thing was...the meaning was to TEACH me, NOT to be my soulmate, spouse or boyfriend. They were teachers and it was time for my lessons :-)

"I would so like to see him, even if it was just one more time"

You're holding on to the "fantasy" of who you wanted/thought him to be dear - the ideal version of him. But chances are, if you'd see him again...you'd be seeing him in a very different light - and it wouldn't be the ideal one...because the reality is that the man you envisioned he COULD be - was NOT the man he truly WAS.

Try to let go of the ideal fantasy version of him dear - the one filled with thoughts of " I thought." Because that's all that was...a bunch of thoughts - but the reality was drastically different. What you THINK and what actually IS are two colliding worlds, ya' know? Step out of the thoughts and live in the reality and you'll feel much better :-)

"I don’t know where my path is heading….but I listen to my intuition now and hope it guides me well"

And it will dear. We're all on our path, none of us know where it's taking us. Have faith - and TRUST in YOURSELF and you won't be steered off course. And I'm not sure you realize this or not...but re-read your comment. I want you to take notice of your STRENGTH:

"I cannot question it and all I know is it is “right”...steady myself again...I did not shout or scream...I know I did right to say “thanks…but no thanks”...time to reflect and make some changes to my life...I truly hope he is well...I cannot be the one to initiate contact...I listen to my intuition now"

Do you HEAR that dear? Do you hear yourself and what your saying, and how much strength lies beneath those words? It's hard to let go of things we care for, it's much easier to stay. It's hard to stand up for yourself. It's hard to not settle. It's hard to speak kind words about men who have hurt you. It's hard to wish them well in the face of that. It's hard to listen to your gut instead of falling back on old comfortable habits. It's hard to take a good look at yourself in the mirror and address things about yourself that need changed.

And you know what dear? You've done that. You've walked away, you're not emotional or overly angry. You're not jaded and bitter. You've changed old behaviors. You're properly protecting yourself.

You're still here dear - standing strong - standing tall ;-); July 15, 2014 at 5:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror,

It's been a while since I last posted...

I stopped on-line dating about 2mths ago after a six month stint... I just felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall with it as I only had one date in that time...although previous times last year I had been a bit more successful. I just had a sense though that something was working against me and I'm not sure if it was my own self or not, what I mean is this need to get on dates and find men to go out with through this source and I'm not sure whether on some level I was maybe pushing this away. Added to this my girlfriend situation in terms of extremely sporadic nights out in terms of opportunities to meet guys and also to have fun girly nights drove me in a way to invest in on-line dating as a solution to meeting guys to go out with on dates and have some fun in my life...

So it didn't work out as planned and I decided to surrender to what is and trust the universal wisdom and timing for me and let things unfold so to speak.... I've been working on my health and trying to develop peace of mind, meditating a lot, spending a lot of time with family, not obsessing about the fact that I've not got people to go out with at a weekend and trying not to depend on others for my happiness but trying to cultivate my own happiness from within and not based on what, who, I've got or not got etc etc.

One of my disappearing men has been in touch and he's off again doing his own thing :) I'm convinced he wants me to chase but I'm just leaving him be and what will be will be...like I said I don't want my happiness to be based on what he is or is not doing and I am the most important thing here.

I'd like to ask your advice and opinion about a girly night out that has come up for me this weekend. Basically I go to a spiritual development group and have been out with one of the girls from there a couple of times, one time she got me an invite for a group gathering and the next she invited one of these ladies along. Now even though she is married she made it quite clear she was up for going out on girly nights out but when I followed her up on that she fobbed me off on a couple of occasions but I didn't take it personally as she has commitments. However, what I did think was that I would not ask her to go out again, backed off a bit and I thought if she wants to go out again then she knows where I am... Pretty much straight away she contacted me for a night out. It was scheduled for some weeks in advance but she then asked if she could reschedule due to commitments and she gave me plenty of notice (weeks) so not problem.

I don't know why but I've had a funny feeling she was going to cancel this weekend but she has contacted me asking if her friend could come who has gone through a messy break-up. Also, she said to me that I was free to ask another girl who comes to the spiritual development group and she knows that I've had some problems with this other girl but I think she was probably just saying it so I could bring someone along too. However, I don't want the girl I've had problems with coming along and I've no-one else to ask who could come.; July 15, 2014 at 5:51 PM
Anonymous said...: CONT

So I'm a bit torn what to do as something feels uncomfortable to me so I'm going to explore it a bit here. I'm confident and I wouldn't have a problem not knowing this other girl so it's not that. However, I've been in these situations before and not everybody can get along with everybody and I wonder if there's is anything to two's company, three is a crowd...?? Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. One hand I wonder whether I should be embracing the other girl coming along as an opportunity to meet new people and you never know a new friend. Also, feeling that awareness of this girl just going through a break up and feeling a bit tight not welcoming her coming along.

On the other hand I just feel I knew there was going to be some change with this arrangement and it's an added pressure and like I said I hardly go out as it is. As she added someone to our arrangement last time we were out who I know a little bit. I've also got a sense that she might prefer to not go out with me on her own as we've only known each other since the beginning of the year. It also puts the person who knows both the other people who don't know each other in a position. I do feel thinking about it now, it puts me most in a position as I don't know my new friend that well but the girl she is bringing along well those two obviously know each other very well by the sounds of it and I'm not sure how fair that is to ask me in the first place? If I was out regularly at weekends I'd probably be like yay the more the merrrier. I just want to go out and have some fun, let my hair down and not feel like I've got to work at getting along with someone.

Am I being selfish? Feel free to kick me into touch Ms Mirror ;) I'm not sure if I need to change my mind-set on this one and would really appreciate your insight to what you think is right here and what is going on.

In the past I would of just text back and said yeah that's fine with me but I feel uncomfortable and I don't know why, so I'm hanging fire texting back to have a think about it and ask you're advice if you don't mind :)
I think in the past I've always been so accomodating of people and felt guilty and I sense it's something to do with boundaries? Am I making more of this than I should be, what do you think Ms Mirror??

I thought about maybe when I text her to not acknowledge her request and then leave it up to her what she decides to do but I don't know whether that is the right thing to do or whether I should just go with the flow and let this other girl come out? :) I'm also concerned that I could put my new friend off if I don't respond positively...

thank you; July 15, 2014 at 5:52 PM
Gemini50 said...: Oh boy Ms. Mirror and ladies,

Update on what’s been going on – it’s unbelievable really, and I’ll start with Virgo:

After my last post, Virgo sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers to my home. I called to thank him. I was cautious, he was in full force with sweetness, and direction of what he was after (me, and a future with me).

His ‘I love you’s’ continued along with his desire to come up to see me. I kept my caution up, talked with him, but didn’t buy into it completely.

On Thursday AM, July 3, I rec’d a text from him, “I’m on my way.” When I asked where he was going, he left me a voicemail saying he was driving to see me. He said> You can slam the door in my face, I’ll stay in a hotel, but I’m coming up to talk.

He arrived on Friday night and was very tired after driving over 1,200 miles (he stopped at a hotel). I pampered him, made sure he was comfortable. Saturday he was still tired, which I understood, and I continued to pamper him.

He hadn’t told me how long he planned to stay, I assumed it would be a week. I offered to take Thurs/Fri off from work so that we could spend some time together – he liked the idea. We talked about a couple places we could go locally… but then I think he let the following comment slip, “I’m on vacation!” when talking about things to do.

“Hmm,” I thought and questioned him, “I thought the reason for your visit was to see me.” He said it was.

During the weekend, we talked a lot. He wanted to know more about what I wanted for my life, what I saw for my future, and how he thought we could split up our living arrangements until I retired. He told me the distance didn’t scare him anymore and he was considering renewing his flying license so he could travel between us in five hours.

We shared dating stories; he had gone out with a few women. He told me one story about a woman who, after three dates, emailed him suggesting that they both sell their homes, buy a travel trailer and “Fuck into infinity.” When I asked how he responded to her email invitation, he said he never contacted her again.

I told him a bit about my Match experiences as well as the “kitchen counter” offer, and we laughed at what we had been going through in the dating world.

But I wasn’t hearing from him what he had been previously texting. The sweetness, the desire, the "I love you's" didn’t exist in person.

Sunday afternoon he asked if I would drive back with him on the 23rd to attend his son’s birthday party on the 26th, and he’d pay for my flight back. I agreed to think about it.

Continued; July 15, 2014 at 6:53 PM
Gemini50 said...: 2 of ?
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we slept together but did not have sex. We spooned, and it was nice.

Monday morning, I made and brought him coffee before I left for work and we chatted a bit. It was all good.

When I got home from work Monday night, I saw he had mowed most of the lawn. When I came in, he was prepping dinner for us. He told me to relax and poured me a drink. I thanked him for what he had done. I felt he was really trying to impress me, I felt like he was taking care of me, and I liked it. He cooked; I cleaned.

While we chatted during dinner prep, I said I had good news and bad news. He wanted the bad news first. I told him that I couldn’t take the Thursday/Friday off that week. He said ok, and waited for the good news. I said I would drive back with him and take the 23rd to 30th off from work.

He was happy, but looking back, I see I made it too easy for him. He immediately felt too comfortable and after dinner and drinks, while I’m at my dining table and he standing in the kitchen, he says, “So, you wanna fuck tonight?”

I was disgusted, and I didn’t hide my expression. I asked, “You wanna throw me up on the kitchen counter too?” And then I said, “I’m not going to fuck you or any man who treats me like that.”

Immediately he apologized and said he was just being funny and referring to the woman he dated that he told me about.

It was too late, I was so disgusted and immediately felt a shift. (But I don’t know if it came from him or me first.) And it all went down hill from there.

Each day seemed to get worse with him. He had the tv on all the time… sitting watching old war movies or any movie at night. (I watch very little tv at all). And when sleeping together now, the spooning slowly reduced until he barely touched me, or he would turn away if I cuddled with him until there was absolutely no physical contact. By his choosing he slept on the couch two nights.

He continued to do things around the house when I was at work, and I made sure he heard my appreciation for it. On Thursday night he asked me if I had looked at flights. I told him I was waiting for him to bring it up again; we looked at flights together for a return on the 30th, and the 29th leaving from his town. He suggested that since his son’s party was on Saturday, that I fly back from their local airport. Hmm… I asked if he was thinking of my flying out Sunday after Saturday’s party and he said that we could stay at kids into the following week.

I explained that I was going out there to spend time with him, not with his kids. And I wasn’t going to spend four/five days at his kids place. With his change of behavior when sleeping together and his lack of initiative to revisit his request for me to go back out with him, I tried to give him and us an “out” by kindly suggesting that it was ok with me to not drive out with him -- if it was not going to be us spending time together – then maybe we should do it another time.

He said no, that he really wanted me to go out with him, and we would go back to his place on Sunday and have a few days to spend together alone until I flew out in the middle of the week. He said he wanted to wait a couple days to book the flight to bet on whether the prices went down.

Continued; July 15, 2014 at 6:59 PM
Gemini50 said...: Continued 3 of ?

Friday night we went out for dinner at local joint. After a couple beers, he tells me that his daughter reminded him that morning that he promised to take care of her dog on the Monday after his son’s party for the week because daughter and hubby were going on vacation.

I asked if he was taking care of the dog at their house. He said yes, and now the pieces were falling into place (except for the “wanna F” comment).

He told me that he’d like me to come out instead during the fall for two weeks so that we could spend good quality time together… blaa, blaa, blaa… I wasn’t listening anymore because I was done with this… tired of his changes on a whim and lack of consideration of me.

I thought it was funny that he brought me to a public place to have this discussion… typical script of giving bad news publicly so that the person doesn’t get too emotional. But the thing is, is that I was relieved. I was actually happy that this thing was cancelled, and I’m sure it showed.

I didn’t say another word about it. We went home and he turned on the tv. I took a bath, and eventually went upstairs to read. He came to bed at 4 AM.

We had made plans to invite some friends and neighbors over for a cookout Saturday night. He cooked on the grill Saturday, it all “looked” normal and happy. We had a fire, and when the guys left with their significant other, and Virgo was the only man left amongst my girlfriends, he retired inside to watch tv. I understood, and it didn’t matter.

Sunday he was acting like a bit of a dick in the morning, but I ignored him. Finally I asked him what his plans were for driving back. He said probably Monday. I asked, “tomorrow?” He said, “No, next Monday”. I was surprised, but knew it was my own fault for not getting specifics before allowing him to visit. Although I thought, “another freaken week of this?” I felt it was still part of a test.

I asked Virgo if we could go out for a Sunday drive in his beautiful sports car for the day. He didn’t like that idea and immediately asked if it was going to rain. I ignored his comment and got myself ready to go out, but then the clouds looked terrible, so we didn’t go. He turned on the tv, I went outside with my Nook.

At mid-day, he suggested we go out for lunch. We did, and it was pleasant. When we got home, he went right back on the couch and turned on the tv. I grabbed my Nook and went outside. I came in once in awhile and he was sleeping. One time I snuck in to grab a pillow and blanket and saw him watching tv… but as I walked out he looked like he was sleeping. I think he was faking it!! I took my stuff out to the hammock.

When I came in later, he was still on the couch watching tv. I sat at the other end of the couch and began watching the movie with him. I massaged his calves. He sat up and moved his legs to the coffee table. I got up and started getting my stuff ready for work Monday.

He asked if I could print off a driving map for his trip back home. I couldn’t because I don’t have a printer at home, but I promised to do it on Monday, which I did.

When I was done with my work prep, I went over to my other couch to sit to watch the movie. When the movie was over, he didn’t turn off the tv. I asked if we could turn the tv off now, and he looked at me like I was asking him to move the world. He said, “But blaa, blaa, blaa is coming on next.”

All I could do was look at him in disbelief. I was speechless. Not only at him, but at MYSELF. What the F was I thinking allowing this man into my home and back into my life???; July 15, 2014 at 7:03 PM
Gemini50 said...: Continued last one

He never came upstairs, and slept on the couch all night.

When I went to work Monday, I never woke him with coffee (as I had all week prior). I got out the door as quick as I could. And while at work, I decided when I got home, I would have a sit down talk with him, adult to adult. I thought we were better friends than romantic partners, and would share this with him and see if he agreed. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I wanted to get what was going on with us out in the open. And depart as friends, both with respect for each other and no bad feelings.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance. Around 10:30 I received this text from him> headed out going to beat the storm. Thx for the great time. We need to think of a way to make this work. I was staying in the middle until we have a solution. Forgot some clothes in your closet will you please send them. Supper will be ready when you get home. Will be in touch

And I felt that old chest-punch again – actually feels like I have to catch my heart on the inside.

This guy is a coward and a son of a bitch playing with my emotions. He's back to claiming he's "staying in the middle," emotionally until we figure out how to make it work when he was texting me crazy I love you's and even started a little sexting before he arrived. All BS words! And he doesn’t even have the fucking balls for himself or the respect for me to talk to me face to face.

But I was concerned with his driving such a long distance home, so instead of responding angrily or emotionally, I responded> I hope you have a safe trip (Virgo). Thank you for everything you did around the house. I truly appreciate it.

Yesterday I was messed up for a bit… I was pissed at his actions and upset that I now had to pack up his clothes to send to him, it was another example of his lack of consideration towards me as well as his expectations of me to do what he wanted.

And then on my drive home, he sent another text> Please send my shampoo also. Sorry

Again, I was speechless. “Really?” is all I could say to myself, and finally, after sitting outside for a bit having a beer and trying to release the tension of my feeling that I HAD to take care of this stuff for (Virgo), I finally had the thought, “I DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!” And if I do decide to send him his stuff, I can do it on MY time, not his. I haven't responded either.

So, I didn’t have sex with Virgo. I stood up to him with my expectations of his treatment of me. Because I have been working on filling myself up with ME, I didn’t feel any loss within myself from his familiar withdrawal, and I didn’t react negatively when he left.

I knew I was being tested with Virgo and Scorpio. I think I may have passed this one. I certainly hope so.

I’ll write again about Scorpio... he’s been at it too, but I’m spent with writing right now.

Take care of yourselves ladies… it’s not a choice if you want the best for you! (hugs); July 15, 2014 at 7:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
" he says, “So, you wanna fuck tonight?”

"a woman who, after three dates, emailed him suggesting that they both sell their homes, buy a travel trailer and “Fuck into infinity.” When I asked how he responded to her email invitation, he said he never contacted her again."

He's revolted by that talk when it's directed at him and is coming from a woman, yet he somehow thinks this is attractive coming from a man and being said to a woman...funny how that works LOL.

"said he was just being funny and referring to the woman he dated that he told me about."

Why? Did he somehow think that what he was revolted by would somehow suddenly turn you on? And I imagine that woman was speaking with him like that in the first place because HE speaks like that to WOMEN, so she thought it was fair game.

"as I walked out he looked like he was sleeping. I think he was faking it!!"

I'm sure he was. I've seen so many men do this when they're "checking out" emotionally and mentally, it's not even funny (but yea, it really is funny to see them digress to childish shenanigans like this, thinking they're actually pulling it off LOL).

"When I came in later, he was still on the couch watching tv."

Sounds like a lively, exciting man. Good thing he blew in to pull out all the stops, show you a good time, impress you and win you back - he's doing a smash up job of it LOL.

"I massaged his calves. He sat up and moved his legs to the coffee table."

I frankly do not believe Virgo is capable of true intimacy. I'm starting to believe he's emotionally unavailable, unless he's in "fantasy" mode, when he becomes more available (all the pre-talk fantasy talk of his that went on - until he showed up and actually had to follow through with it.) He seems to fear true intimacy, which is why he prefers caveman talk like the "you wanna' fuck" comment - because it's not intimate at all. Throw an "ugg, ugg" at the end of it and you've stepped back in time thousands of years LOL.

"What the F was I thinking allowing this man into my home and back into my life?"

It's okay dear. This was all for a reason - and now you know. You know for sure. No more guessing, no more wavering - now you know for sure. Additionally, the man he presented himself to be over the phone (fantasy) was NOT the caveman that showed up at your house (reality) - and now you're wise to him.

"He never came upstairs, and slept on the couch all night."

Well, that's one way to win the gal back - impress her with your ability to sit like a fungus for hours on end in front of the TV growing roots out of your ass into her sofa - yay!! Every girls dream LOL.

Cont...; July 16, 2014 at 7:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I thought we were better friends than romantic partners"

I'd tell him that if he wants a romantic partner - he has to actually BE romantic somehow. And that if he needs a friend, he might wanna call his man-buddy over that gave him all that caveman advice about women before - and they can ride off into the sunset together....on his sofa LOL.

"I decided when I got home, I would have a sit down talk with him, adult to adult...Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance."

Doesn't surprise me. He "checked out" on you again, mentally and emotionally. This man simply cannot "deal." He's too macho, too closed off, too caveman-ish, too brutish - he's just too much of everything a woman doesn't want and I believe he does this to woman because deep down inside, he knows he hits a wall of sorts emotionally and is unable to continue past it.

"We need to think of a way to make this work"

Umm...one way might be to not sit on the woman's sofa after traveling 1200 miles to see her for a 52 hour TV marathon LOL. Seriously...what'd this guy do for you that was special during this visit? Absolutely nothing. Yea, he cut the grass - a handy man can do that. He did not take you out for romantic dinners, walks, that fun car ride you wanted, no good conversation or talks...he bored you to death - then has the nerve to say "we" have to figure out how to make this work.

I disagree. YOU don't have to do SHIT to make this work. YOU don't NEED for this to work at all. Why the hell does he think you're going to beat your head against the wall attempting to make this work for him - when he has absolutely nothing to offer as a mate or a man? He's just bored you to death and watched TV for days on your sofa, then he's got the nerve to think that you're going to exhaust yourself trying to "make this work." HA! It doesn't HAVE to work.

"I was staying in the middle until we have a solution"

Bullshit. You were being a lazy ass man sitting up on her sofa doing and offering absolutely nothing - and waiting for HER to do ALL the work and come up with the solution and bend over backwards to please YOU.

"Forgot some clothes in your closet will you please send them"

Nope, LOL.

"This guy is a coward and a son of a bitch playing with my emotions"

Absolutely. If he ever contacted me again, I'd tell him I don't need fungus growing on my sofa for days, and that lazy ass boring men don't make me wanna' work at shit - because I'm better off without their neediness. I don't have time to be solving problems for them while they "check out" on the sofa like it's a dead zone or something. I'm not impressed...and I never will be - period, case closed - eff off pal LOL.

"He's back to claiming he's "staying in the middle," emotionally"

Yea, that's called "checking out" - and being emotionally unavailable.

"upset that I now had to pack up his clothes to send to him"

Yea, that's a big ole N-O. Don't do that for him. And if he keeps asking you about them, bullshit him and tell him, "They're on the way." But don't send them, screw him, don't clean up after him because if you do, it's only enabling him.

Cont...; July 16, 2014 at 7:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "he sent another text> Please send my shampoo also. Sorry"

Are you effing kidding me? He can't buy another bottle of $5 shampoo huh? You need to pay $8 in shipping to send a $5 bottle of shampoo back to him. Fuck him Gem, you know what this is? THIS IS CONTROL. He realizes that emotionally, he basically spun out of control when he arrived there and shut down and checked out as a result. So now that he's escaped to safety, he's attempting to control the situation - and YOU, to make himself feel better. That request right there would send me into orbit with this man and there is no way in hell I'd be mailing him some damn shampoo, lazy freakin' ass man.

" I finally had the thought, “I DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!” And if I do decide to send him his stuff, I can do it on MY time, not his. I haven't responded either."

EXACTLY!! Do NOT do as this man is instructing you to do -- DO NOT. He's attempting to control you, exhibit power over you (because he completely tanked as a man and become powerless once with you). Do NOT bow to this man's dictatorship.

"Because I have been working on filling myself up with ME, I didn’t feel any loss within myself from his familiar withdrawal, and I didn’t react negatively when he left. "

This was actually good for you dear - Virgo questions remaining about a potential future with him? NOPE - PROBLEM SOLVED LOL!!!

Virgo is going to be alone dear....for a VERY long time. His best bet is to go back to the trashy-ish woman offering to "fuck into infinity" in a camper trailer - because that's the best this caveman is EVER gonna' get.; July 16, 2014 at 7:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 15, 5:51 PM,
"I don't want my happiness to be based on what he is or is not doing and I am the most important thing here"

Perfect - you're absolutely right :-)

"Am I being selfish?"

No - you're wondering why this woman needs the security of another woman around to step out, and that's natural. She's bringing someone along like a security blanket, which tells me she's kinda' insecure about something. However, I'd probably still go along, tell her my GF couldn't make it - and I'd be prepared to bolt if the two of them become catty or clicky together.

"I feel uncomfortable and I don't know why"

Because I think your gut is sensing the two of them may get up to no good when out (i.e. she may be a cheater and the friend provides an alibi), or they may turn catty on you.

I'd roll with this, just this one time, to feel her out a bit more. If you see her and the GF acting inappropriate with men or get the impression they're pairing up for a reason (alibi's), then politely excuse yourself, end the night early...and leave them get up to no good on their own.; July 16, 2014 at 7:49 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Ms Mirror (@Anonymous Jul 15, 5:51 PM) and it feels really good to say and feel that :) somewhat liberating re: own happiness!

I think my friend could be a bit insecure about going out the two of us as we don't know each other very well but she obviously feels comfortable enough to ask me in the first place so I don't know about that!

It's funny how you pick up on things and you're very intuitive...:) As what I noticed and found out is that my friend does want to come out with the girls, I don't think she is a cheater or would act upon it but there is a definitely need for male attention and probably male validation. I don't know what she is getting from her husband whether that is lacking but there are some problems within the marriage, she's not opened up yet to what or how bad they are but my underlying feeling is that sometimes when couples have a child together they end up together because of that. I've no idea that this is definitely the case but as I said there are definitely some needs there that are not getting fulfilled within the marriage.

I feel that we all need to try and take care of our own needs and fulfillment otherwise you're trapped in a situation of discontent and always looking externally for an answer that will never found.

So when I went out with her initially, when she found out about my on-line dating and the fact that I don't get out much she was all over it and made it clear she would be up for nights out... and I think that by her going out with the girls is more about an attempt for her to externally fulfill her needs. When I took what she said literally I think she realised that she would not be able to fulfill that to that extent, being married which is understandable...

...but I thought when she fobbed me off when I approached her for nights out, she'll be back and I was right.
I think that her trying to invite her friend along maybe about a few things really, yeah it is possible she could need an alibi but I believe she just wants male attention and she won't need an albli because she's not willing to commit to doing anything about it. I know when we went out last time she kept going outside smoking and chatting to guys and she apologised a lot for it but also said it's good to get chatting to people when you're out and I'm definitely that type of person and was not bothered that she had disappeared outside for a while as I was not short of attention myself :) Maybe she thinks though that if her friend is out as well it gives her more freedom to go off chatting to men. I've been in a situation before when another friend had brought a male friend along but most of the night she didn't spend much time with him and was off chatting to another bloke, leaving me to make small-talk within someone who was nice enough but I'd not come out to spend my night with this person and was left responsible by default.

I think also the friend this weekend, I think as the girl she is proposing to bring out has gone through a messy break-up, I think that she maybe trying to kill a bird with two stones so to speak in terms of knowing her friend needs sometime and attention with her but is restricted because of her marriage of how often she can get out at the weekend. So I think that could be behind the fact that she's trying to invite her friend out also.; July 16, 2014 at 11:10 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT

She's said her friend is really nice but that is just her perspective and we can't all be friends with everyone. Just because she's said that doesn't mean I will like her...sure I get on with most people but sometimes there are people that you meet and you just don't like them for some reason and you can't always put your finger on it... So along with the fact that I'm concerned that I could end up feeling like I'm the one tagging along, equally another scenario is that I could end up being lumbered with her friend while she goes off on her shenanigans!

I'm still not comfortable yet rolling with this one but I'm not sure what to do about it either. I'm wondering whether I need to abandon my concerns and just go with it but currently I just feel that she should be arranging to go out with her friend another time...

I've still not responded to her text it's not 24hrs yet but getting on... I normally don't leave it that long with friends but undecided what to do... Whatever I decide to do I need to get to a place whereby I'm looking forward to going out again and at peace with my decision and at the moment I'm not!

What do you think now in light of what I've said...as guess it's a bigger deal for me as I don't get out much...I was looking forward to it and I don't want it ruining my night.... I can't control for that once I agree to her coming and will have to see how the evening unfolds but if it goes wrong I will be annoyed with myself that I've ignored my gut instinct, I've not raised the issue with her when I've had the opportunity to voice my concerns.

How can I do this and make light of it?? It is supposed to be a fun night out in the making but I feel the real issue here now is honouring myself really and instead of being the nice person and accomodating what everybody else wants, getting walked all over for being too nice then maybe I need to say something at least to her, even if then I go along with agreeing to her friend coming out in the end.

What do you think Ms Mirror?? I'm wondering whether to say something along the lines of that yeah still on for the weekend really looking forward to it... Sorry that you're friend has had a difficult time but not sure that threesomes work out if you know what I mean :) but will have a think about it. What do you think about that or what would you put in my situation? I guess I just want a bit of respect and for her to acknowlege that there is more to what she is asking. I think it is maybe more about her needs trying to invite her friend along but dressed up as she is thinking about others?

Hope I'm not overthinking this but if you feel uncomfortable about something it is your gut telling you and I can't ignore it...

thank you; July 16, 2014 at 11:14 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror…..Lottie here.

Thank you for taking the time to write ….and so extensively at that.

Ms Mirror, when Scorpio broke up with me last year
I went through a dark phase…he had broken my heart and I was very sad.
I remember being so happy with him and how giddy he had made me feel…I had the butterflies in my stomach and everything.

He was a doctor and I was enamored by him. My friends and family said I glowed and they could see how happy I was. At a time when all my friends and siblings were settling down and having babies…..I finally thought “great, now it’s my time”. I really thought the universe had planned it all out.

Anyhow, as you know…..the rest is history.
It was surely a difficult call to walk away, but I did it.

Ms Mirror, you are quite right, I had idolized this man…I had put him on a pedestal and I saw him for not who he was, but rather through rose tinted spectacles. [No doubt this was not helped by the fact that we were sleeping together]

He was very convincing and he was quite a religious man at that….so I blindly trusted him. He had said something strange…when we first started dating, he apologized for any hurt he might cause me. The red flags were certainly there….and my intuition felt it too.

But now to finally see him for how he is…is pretty startling. Gosh…he wore his disguise well. I find it hard to comprehend that an individual would choose to want to live their life like this – how can ones life be enriched by behaving in such a way and why would they wish not to change?

But Ms Mirror – when I said I made some changes to my life. I made one pretty dramatic change to my life. You see I have always worked in the financial services industry…and it has afforded me a good lifestyle….but at a cost. It’s a soulless job for me, it’s never been rewarding and all it was for me was a paycheck at the end of the month.

Outside of work though I have been involved in sport. I run a sports club for girls and ladies playing a sport which is predominantly played by males. It’s very time consuming especially on top of a full time job, but its been so rewarding over the years.

You see Ms Mirror, when you mentioned the strength you heard in my words, I think I got this strength from the work I do through sport. I can’t described it, I am a very ordinary individual but it built in me a
quiet confidence and self belief. I see it in the younger girls as well….it instills something in them…a sense of pride or something.

So I decided to leave work and to spend the summer coaching in schools and developing my club. So I handed in my resignation at work. I work on a program which places me in schools and allows me to deliver coaching to children. Ms mirror, I’m loving what I am doing, I’m loving the girls enjoying my coaching session and seeing them develop and grow in confidence.

And I think I know why I do this. I suppose I just hope that if confidence and self belief can be nurtured in them….then when they are older, and they are faced with difficult situations [I really mean men here] then they might just be able to protect themselves better. Does that sound logical?

I must add one last thing Ms Mirror, because it’s not something I can easily explain to my friends and family. Some weeks ago after I began my schools work, I was playing in a sports match on the weekend and I looked up on the score board to see our final total….and well in big white numbers it was 111.

I only found out what it meant a few days prior when I had read the article on your site. ☺

Lottie x; July 16, 2014 at 6:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror,@Anonymous Jul 15, 5:51 PM from yesterday,

I've had a bit of a shift since yesterday and a re-think, I think I'm going to say to my friend it's up to her if she wants to bring her friend.

The reason for my change of heart is maybe it's a good thing if her friend comes with us. It's obviously happened for a reason this...I believe everything does and maybe it's in my interest and to go with the flow and see what happens rather than resisting what the universe is presenting.

It may actually be better the more the merrier type of thing and I get a feeling my friend doesn't want to be tied and wants to go off chatting to men... I'm an independent sort of person myself when I go out, I like to be with my friends but also have the freedom to chat to new people, not pick up men but be open to meeting someone. So maybe it will turn out better in the end. My friends friend is also not my responsibility so I'm not going to be feeling responsible about baby-sitting :) while my friends goes off on her own adventures:) Equally we might get on really well... If it doesn't work out well then it's on my friends toes.

Also, the last couple of times I've been out I end up getting drawn into disclosing things about myself or problems and although it's good to talk I'm predominantly out to have fun. I've found when I fall into this trap it puts me on a downer and effects my confidence and subsequently then affects my night and how I feel about myself. The people I've been out with well they've got problems too who hasn't?! but often they choose to keep them to themselves...so I'm not going to make myself a focal point and have a light fun evening. I believe confidence is something you radiate so I'm not going to disempower myself or let anyone else...if anyone else wants to talk about their problems then that is fine and they are free to do so...but for me everything gets left firmly behind :)

Do you think this a a better thing to do Ms Mirror?? Rather than bring it up as an issue about her friend coming? It's been a day and half since my friend text, she will probably wondering what's wrong by now and we are due to go out in two days time, so I need to confirm the arrangement and I need to ok it her friend coming if she wants to bring her. I feel a bit more a peace with it now and that's what I wanted to feel really so I can go ahead and look forward to the evening again!

Thank you; July 17, 2014 at 7:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lottie,
I'm so happy you're following your path - and I think you've received confirmation that you're on the right one (when you noticed the 111.) That's how I look at that. When I see that, I view it as a "nod" from the universe like, "Keep going, you're doing fine, you're on the right road." I see it representing kinda like an "atta' girl" from the universe LOL ;-); July 17, 2014 at 9:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror. I'm feeling a little angry today at the Scorpio man I thought I'd started to become involved with. We got together just before he was moving to another state. We had 3 amazing dates. There was no sex because I was uncomfortable about him getting ready to move away and he had not yet filed for divorce. I was getting out of a relationship too at the time. At first he kept good contact with me. I rarely initiated contact, only on father's day (he is a father and on his own he texted a week or two later to tell me he was meeting with an attorney , with communication in between.)

Well he seems to have faded out on me. Less communication as time has passed. I am very disappointed, I was initially understanding , as this divorce will likely be messy and emotional for him, but I have gone into feelings of anger and sadness.

Last week during our communication he had said he wasn't feeling well- not as a way to end the conversation, (oh and he prefers text, does not like to call. Called me once because I hinted.) , but just as an update on how he was. So I did contact him a couple days later to see how he was doing. He responded and complimented me as he always does (he is very charming.) However I have not heard from him since. It's going to be a week soon and just today I began to feel anger because I have really put this man on a pedestal, while playing a little "hard to get" as to not appear over eager.

I know to "wait" to hear from him. I feel like I'm in a position where there is nothing I can do. He had said he would be in town next month and that he'd like to see me at that time. Please advise as I don't like feeling this way, I don't feel he's disappeared (I believe he'd respond if I contacted him) and I'd just like to get your take on this situation. He may have concerns about my ex, I have not told him the other relationship officially ended (and he has seen my ex liking posts on my facebook.) but I did tell him when we were together I was done with the other guy and he has not asked further questions. Please advise, have I lost him for good and if not, what is your suggestion? He really is a good guy. Thank you.; July 17, 2014 at 5:50 PM
Gemini50 said...: @Lottie, thanks for your 'nod' to me. I understand what you are going through regarding your Scorpio and your path.

I will write more about my Scorpio, just can’t get the words together yet. He’s still at it, and I’m still trying to observe and come to some understanding of everything while recognizing and respecting his status with a so-called girlfriend, and refusing to be the #2 woman in a man’s life. I know there is a lesson here -- and maybe it will be a lesson for both Scorpio and I. It just feels like everything is swirling around up in the air, a force with no direction -- and I can't make sense of it yet. I’m trying to stay on the fringes, observe, see and learn.

Keep on your path Lottie – as Ms. Mirror explains, if these guys are worth their salt, they’ll be back around and can catch up if they have it in them to do so.

@Ms. Mirror, you made me laugh with your comments re: Virgo. Thank you.

Wednesday morning he sent me a text> hey made it back kind of wore out though.

My response? Crickets.

I don’t know what I will do if/when he contacts me with anything of substance; and I am comfortable with not knowing. I have conflicting feelings of wanting to blast him, and wanting to be kind. The bottom line is: He doesn’t matter. I don’t have to DO anything!

The whole experience has just left me puzzled... and that, too, is ok. The good news is that he didn't leave with any part of me. I do not feel I gave up or lost anything.

Life sure is full of surprises! :)

Take care of yourselves ladies... you deserve it.; July 17, 2014 at 6:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
"I don’t know what I will do if/when he contacts me with anything of substance...I have conflicting feelings of wanting to blast him, and wanting to be kind. The bottom line is: He doesn’t matter. I don’t have to DO anything!"

Nope - you don't. You are not obligated to this man in any way, shape or form. Besides, I think the silence will do him some good. He made the trip to you to impress you and win you back...and he ended up being a boring fungus on your sofa...that left a bit of a "mess" for you to deal with when he left (shipping his shampoo home LOL).

Who the hell needs that? And who the hell would be impressed by that? No one. And if he thinks long and hard enough about it - HE will come to the conclusion that HE owes YOU an apology (for disappointing you, barging in on you, and burdening you after he cowardly ran back home without even informing you he was going to do so).

And that's when you blast him....LOL!!! ;-); July 17, 2014 at 7:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 17, 5:50 PM,
"I don't feel he's disappeared (I believe he'd respond if I contacted him) and I'd just like to get your take on this situation"

He's going through a divorce dear. And I hate to burst your bubble here, but a new relationship is probably the farthest thing from his mind right now, ya' know? He needs space. If you push and you begin to pursue him, there's a very high likelihood that it will feel like pressure he doesn't need right now and he'll be gone for good.

You just need to keep moving forward with your own life. Don't dwell on his and don't place all of your eggs into this man's basket because his messy situation is just getting started.

"what is your suggestion?"

Provide the space he needs. Do not contact him. Exhibit patience and lean on your coping skills to reduce anxiety and anger. Stay physical, active and distracted. Date other men. Don't expect him to jump from a marriage, into divorce, straight into a relationship. Being the "rebound" girl very rarely works out anyway.

If he's genuinely interested, he'll resurface. And if you are leading your own full life in the meantime, you'll hardly notice his absence ;-); July 17, 2014 at 7:55 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Gemini50

In my opinion you handled the situation with Virgo perfectly whilst he messed up quite a lot. I wouldn´t like to be in his shoes right now.:-)

Have a nice weekend, Mirror and all the ladies,
Hopeful; July 18, 2014 at 12:18 PM
Anonymous said...: @ MOA
Hello MOA...would really appreciate your take on this question pleaseee,

I was just wondering if it is ever okay to verbally express your disappointment to a man in a non emotional way and then go silent on him until he expresses remorse and apologises??...in my case a guy I am seeing told me to keep my Friday free, we hadn't locked down a place and time yet, but he deffinately called me on Tuesday asking me to keep my Friday free for him so we could go out....he hadn't contacted me since that phone call on Tuesday, I am not the type of girl that calls a guy to confirm a meeting so I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he would get in touch with me. Yesterday (friday) rolls around now, and I don't hear a peep from the guy, he still hasn't contacted me and I feel a tad bit taken for granted by him right now, like he didn't mind disappointing me :(....since this is his first time doing this, should I still just be silent when he calls or can I explain it to him straight away and then go silent? I want him to know from the gate that my boundaries will not be weakened for him but I don't think he'll get what's happening if I'm being mute...

Would appreciate your help Mirror, anybody's helppp, Thank you so much xoxo

-LondonBaybeh; July 19, 2014 at 6:17 AM
chk61 said...: @Gemini50 (and the ladies, MOA):
Read your recent posts. Interesting to hear from both men after a year and within 3 days! Really, the TV on all the time is a HUGE turn off. The sound f a blaring TV and to see a grown man plopped in front of it....ugh. Why wasn't he taking his nice sports car and exploring some of the beautiful surroundings in your area (we live in the same state, and I think you are in the western part?). If I was a grown man on vacation. I'd be thinking of where to take a day hike or finding a local swimming hole to explore. Why wasn't he thinking of fun things for you both to do? I certainly wouldn't park myself in front of a woman's TV, one I was trying to impress and hadn't seen in over a year. And the piece de resistance of your story: he wanted you to mail him his SHAMPOO. Hilarious!

Good riddance. I understand why you welcomed him into your home, it can be very difficult to say no when you have nothing else going on. Yet lesson learned....again!

As for me, I've gone on about five online dates with different men. Most I was not interested in seeing again. There was one British fellow I would have seen again. Bright, articulate, could spell and punctuate (a rarity in online dating). Oxford-educated. Divorced with two kids (I did not know how long he had been divorced or even if it was "final"). We met for the first time at a local bar/restaurant. After about an hour (and on our second glass of wine) he very romantically took my hand and was holding it at the bar. Well, this felt OK, I guess, but it meant I had to use my left hand to lift my glass and we also had a couple of appetizers....

After a few minutes, I realized I was not comfortable holding this perfect stranger's hand romantically after just meeting him cold. This bar is in my neighborhood and it felt slightly awkward. So while talking, I gently removed my hand to gesticulate during conversation. At first everything seemed fine, but I did have a bit of wine in me. We continued the conversation. I went to the ladies' room and when I came back, he had paid the check, and his face/mood had darkened. He quickly ushered me out and walked me to my car but I could tell he was not happy/disappointed.

I wrote to him the next day because I sensed he felt rejected and it was not my intent. I told him it was very nice to meet him, thanked him for the wine/appetizers, and wished him a very pleasant weekend. I was NOT going to ask HIM out, but wanted to thank him for his generosity on the date. About 3 days later, he wrote back and said something innocuous like "oh, nice to meet you also...best of luck".

I was then curious and I wrote back "Was it something I said? ;-)"

He wrote back: "oh no, not at all m'lady...I had a very nice time but when you removed your hand I took that as 'thanks but no thanks' and then it was MY turn to go AWOL."

AWOL? AWOL??? This guy is resorting to military terms after meeting him for 60 minutes? So my gently taking my hand back was apparently MY going AWOL on him emotionally. I had also written that "I had a nice time and would have liked to go out again but if not, good luck!" So basically, I gave him a green light to ask me out for a second date. He wrote back a half-hearted: "Good luck to you too." I decided to not respond, as he was acting childish and overly sensitive. He later disappeared from the dating site.

I went on a couple more online dates with other men and I decided to take a break as well. I took my profile down about 2 weeks ago. So there, ladies, is a charming story from the online dating front. I decided I was not prepared to educate an Oxford-educated man about life, dating, women. If he took that as a rejection, well, I am sorry. Sometimes we women need more than 45-60 minutes to warm up to a stranger. I think he was still wounded from his divorce and MUCH too too fragile to be dating. In my next segment, my update on my DM.; July 20, 2014 at 12:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Can I ask a quick question mirror?
My disappearing guy reappeard and texted me how I was doing and replied 3days later saying a was fine and I asked how he was and he just ignored me.
And that was nearly a month ago.
I don't understand why he just ignored me or why he even texted me in the first place only to just ignore my text?
Do I send him another one?
Is he expecting me to chase him or do I just leave it altogether?
I don't know what to do?; July 20, 2014 at 12:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 20, 12:21 PM,
Re-read the article dear, the answers to your questions are in there. Read the sections "men pull stunts" and "what to do when your man disappears" to gain a better understanding. :-); July 21, 2014 at 8:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"I had a very nice time but when you removed your hand I took that as 'thanks but no thanks' and then it was MY turn to go AWOL."

That's a jerk move. I mean seriously - why do these men - who, by the way, happen to be complete and total strangers - expect that a woman should have no body boundaries with them on a FIRST date? I mean seriously - who the hell is comfortable with a complete and total stranger touching them immediately? And as a man - how can you EXPECT a woman to BE okay with a complete and total stranger touching her on the first date?

"This guy is resorting to military terms after meeting him for 60 minutes?"

Not only that - he is immediately JUDGING and labeling women - erroneously, I might add...because he feels ENTITLED as a complete and total stranger, to be touching women on the first date. Big red flag.

"I decided to not respond, as he was acting childish and overly sensitive. He later disappeared from the dating site."

He's insecure. He needs a woman to jump into his lap for him to feel secure enough about himself to proceed. And when he didn't find tons of women on that site jumping all over his lap, he probably left.

"Sometimes we women need more than 45-60 minutes to warm up to a stranger."

Absolutely. And you know what the kicker of this is? HAD you ACTUALLY jumped into his lap in the first half hour...he'd have probably slept with you, then afterwards determined you were too "easy" and then judged/labeled you for that as well, LOL.

Be glad this didn't work out - I think this guy has some serious issues to work out, as you yourself sensed as well :-); July 21, 2014 at 8:46 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror, everything you say makes sense. But I can't stop thinking about something. If our DM reappears with just a "Hi" text, couldn't it be possible that he is a genuinely interested man and wants to make things right, but like the rest of us is just afraid of rejection? If he doesn't get back a "Hi" from us maybe that could be enough to make him think we're not interested. I'm talking about genuine men here, not the players. He may even send a second "Hi", but again with no response from us, I could see some men giving up. Why would they continue to push with anything else if they couldn't get a simple "Hi" in return.; July 21, 2014 at 9:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 19, 6:17 AM,
"I was just wondering if it is ever okay to verbally express your disappointment to a man in a non emotional way and then go silent on him until he expresses remorse and apologises?"

You're free to do anything you please dear, although I don't recommend this. It places the man immediately on the defensive and then chances are, he'll shut down or become angry, at which point communication becomes hampered. In my opinion, it's better to save that for later, when the man is ready to have that discussion and has reached the conclusion that he's played a part in it, which generates healthy discussion that reaches results.

"should I still just be silent when he calls or can I explain it to him straight away and then go silent?"

You can do anything you like dear, but I don't recommend initiating a verbal confrontation.

"I want him to know from the gate that my boundaries will not be weakened for him but I don't think he'll get what's happening if I'm being mute"

Why? He has a brain. He's a grown man that can think for himself. If you do his thinking for him by explaining yourself away, you defeat the purpose of him reaching that conclusion himself. The point is to cease "do, do, doing" everything for these guys and leaving them on their own to reflect, think, worry, analyze and eventually reach the conclusion on their own that the last thing that happened before you went silent was - he stood you up.

And if he cannot reach that conclusion on his own, do you know why that would be? It'd be because he thinks of no one but himself. And that should tell you that he's not a man worth being with to begin with.

But if you jump in and do his thinking for him by providing the answers up front and not permitting him to go through that psychological process himself....you'll never get those answers, ya' know?; July 22, 2014 at 8:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 21,9:27 PM,
"If our DM reappears with just a "Hi" text, couldn't it be possible that he is a genuinely interested man and wants to make things right, but like the rest of us is just afraid of rejection?"

Anything in life is possible dear. But do you really want to be with a man that cannot bring himself to apologize? Do you really want to be with a man that cannot bring himself to acknowledge when he's treated you poorly? Because let's face it, genuinely interested men don't disappear on you in the first place, ya' know? Which is the reason you really need to put them to the test when they resurface. You need to make them work for it, to prove themselves. If they can get back into your good graces with a simple "hi" - then that's what they'll think is acceptable all the time. If you signal you're willing to settle for that, then they'll think it's acceptable to give very little like that.

"Why would they continue to push with anything else if they couldn't get a simple "Hi" in return"

Because human behavior and psychological indicates that:

People want what they can't have:
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Wallin22.html

People place a high value on things they have to work for:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201204/does-playing-hard-get-make-you-fall-in-love

Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction:
http://www.psmag.com/navigation/books-and-culture/uncertainty-heightens-romantic-attraction-26363/

It's a simple fact of human psychology that when something is readily available to us in abundance (such as you, your time, your emotions, etc.) - people do not value it, but instead, take it for granted.

People value things that are scarce, not readily available to them, things they're uncertain they're going to acquire and things they cannot have. It's just the way it is dear - and when dating, you can use that to your advantage ;-)

Look at this in a different way, "Why would they continue to push with anything else if they couldn't get a simple "Hi" in return." Instead ask the same question about an entirely different medium and ask, "Why would anyone stand in line repeatedly for 3 hours to get the latest iPhone if they cannot just walk into the store and have one handed to them the minute they get there?"

They would do this because the fact that they're uncertain as to whether or not they'll get one keeps them waiting for one, that scarcity makes them strongly desire one now and go to great lengths if need be, and even 3 different stores, just to get one - and wanting what they cannot have suddenly makes them obsessed with actually getting their hands on one. And once they finally get their hands on one, their extremely proud of the fact that they have something that others want - but don't have yet themselves.

It's psychological dear - it's a human condition that affects just about every single one of us in one way or another - use it to your advantage ;-); July 22, 2014 at 9:05 AM
Gem50 said...: Hi Ms. Mirror and Ladies,

Why didn’t Virgo want to take his car out Chk? His sportscar is about 5 years old, it’s pristine and has only been in the rain once -- during the drive to see me. Once here, he parked it in the garage, and there it stayed, except for one quick jaunt into town.

This past week, I have replayed a lot of his comments and behavior and have come to some more conclusions I could share, but quite frankly, it’s exhausting, and I’m tired of it.

I haven’t heard any more from him after his “hey I made it,” text on Wednesday, and I finally decided Sunday that I would send him his clothes. So, last night I folded them up nice, packed them in a box and today put them in the mail (minus one sweatshirt I decided to keep – yea, I’m a klepto), along with the hair products and 2 cigars he left (he took what was left of the real good ones that I ordered for him to smoke while here, and left his 2 - - yea, yea, I know… stupid, stupid woman!). I also included a note that said, “(Virgo), I wish you could have found enough respect for me for us to talk before you left. (Gem50).”

I had a raging email prepared for him, and I could have put the message in the box, but, in the end, the note is all I had to say. He isn’t a bad man; he’s just a man with some serious personal issues. I hope he is able to someday recognize them, see how they negatively impact his life, and takes action to help himself.

Soooo… let me share what’s been going on with Scorpio. Even though I get torn up inside at times, I do recover (quicker each time, it seems).

Scorpio’s texts are 90% sexts… I am trying to stay cool. I remind Scorpio often that he is not single, and I will not be a #2 woman. We have had some good texting conversations about the past, what we want now (he wants me as his “playmate forever”, I want more than that with a man). He insists, “You are not #2 to me” (which I don’t understand how that can be true – unless I’m #3 or 4 or more, but haven’t questioned it) and this weekend I kind of pushed the envelope on something to see what he’d do.

In our six weeks of contact, his texts have moved from “I miss you,” to “I want to see you.” Saturday night he suggested he come over for “lunch” between his workday on Sunday. I declined. He asked me to come down to see him at work. (oh, the irony… how petrified I have been to go to his work.) I told him I had purposely stayed away from his work out of respect for him.

Scorpio's response> Why? U know I want to see u.

Continued; July 22, 2014 at 5:45 PM
Gem50 said...: Continued

Sunday morning he was more persistent and direct with his lunch visit requests. I kept responding that I wished he was single.

At 11:30 he txt that he was getting out early. I thought he was looking for me to invite him to come over, but decided to push the envelope instead with a twist.

Me>Do you want to meet somewhere for an afternoon drink?

His response surprised me and I wondered if it was due to my taking the lead. But then I considered that I had to see what his response would be, so be it as it may, I asked.

Scorpio>I would love to, but I don’t think I could be good. You are too tempting.

That’s a big fat NO (!!) ladies.

Me (no emotion)> K

Scorpio> Yummy idea though, tease.

Me> Not a tease. It is what it is. Just see each other over a drink. It’s ok I have plenty of work to do here.

Scorpio> I’m a male babe. I want to have you

Me> K. Sorry. Won’t ask again.

Scorpio> Me too. I will text you later.

Me> Let me know if you get single.

Scorpio> Don’t be sorry love

He’s been saying, “get it” often at the end of his texts where he’s trying to explain his position of wanting me, and I haven’t gotten it. But maybe I am slowly now.

The following are portions of recent texts on different days, not the full conversations. The reason for them being portions is he has been reminiscing about us in great detail, and I won’t share that… but in between I sometimes catch a little nugget of interesting info. And if this man was single, I know I would see him again – although this time I would use the knowledge gained via Ms. Mirror to put him to the test to see if he was the kind of man for me.
__

Scorpio> Gonna want you in morning tell me how you want me.

Me> Single

Scorpio> Doesn’t change how much I want you lover. Actually it makes me want to have you more.

(Him not being single makes him want me more??)
___

Me> Sweety, I loved being with you. But I also want it to be more… I want to share all of life.

Scorpio> K babe I get it. I will stop. Love you. Be happy.

And that is an example of where I get torn up inside. Sounds like he’s saying c-ya, right? I didn’t respond. Instead I felt my feelings and comforted myself to release the fear/loss.

And 7 minutes later, he sent another text> Can’t lie. Still want to have you.

Me> Always friends remember?

And he picked right back up sexting.

(I didn’t react to his text that sounded like he was going to disappear again, and he did a complete turnaround)
___

And this one is a real good example of what Ms. Mirror has been telling us about scarcity and want:

Scorpio> You really get to me.

Me> How can I possibly get to you? We haven’t seen each other.

Scorpio> Like you don’t know.

Me> lol. Tell me how a man’s mind works.

Scorpio> It’s all about making a woman want more.

Me> Is there a secret to that?

Scorpio> Yes.

Me> You are funny. Man-code secret?

Scorpio> No secret. Want you to want more.

(Bingo! Ms. Mirror!)
___

That’s it from me for now ladies. Scorpio was really trying to get an invite for “lunch” Sunday. Since I have been steadfast in refusing to be his playmate or #2 woman, and not inviting him to my home on Sunday, I really expect his interest to wane. I hope mine will.

(HUGS) Take care of yourselves!; July 22, 2014 at 5:51 PM
Anonymous said...: @ MOA thank you so much for takin the time out reply to me (19th July, girl who was supposed to meet up with guy who didn't get back to her on the day"....it's been 4 days since I was meant to see him, I have still not heard anything from him which is really making me question if I even matter to him, so I will deffinately be sure to be silent when he re-appears until I get an apology or request to talk. :)

On another note MOA, I read a blog on the weekend and thought u would live this piece about the importance of boundaries, do I agree with everything Andrew States in there MOA?

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/07/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries_18.html?m=1

-LondonBaybeh; July 22, 2014 at 7:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your response and I agree with you. If he even wants to talk to me again it will take so much effort on his part. Even then I know it will never be the same. Always wondering if he will disappear again- not worth the stress.

Have you ever seen the movie "Her" with Joaquin Phoenix? Didn't know if you had mentioned it on your other blogs, but I saw it recently and thought of many of the conversations I have read on your site. Not to give away too much, but it's about a man who starts talking to a computer and begins to have feelings for it. It is a woman's voice that begins to interact with him and he falls for her. Reminded me how easy it is to fall for the fantasy and not see the reality. It will remind you how important it is to go on actual dates! Have a great week ladies!; July 22, 2014 at 9:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"Do you want to meet somewhere for an afternoon drink?...I would love to, but I don’t think I could be good. You are too tempting...Yummy idea though, tease...I’m a male babe. I want to have you."

Translation: No dates, only sex. I only want to see you somewhere private where I can have sex with you.

He's got sex on the brain :-(

"I also want it to be more… I want to share all of life...Scorpio> K babe I get it. I will stop. Love you. Be happy...And that is an example of where I get torn up inside. Sounds like he’s saying c-ya, right?"

He's not saying c-ya...he's saying he wants sex and realizing you want more. The minute he realizes that, he pulls away (because as he states later on - it's "all about making the woman want more." And he realizes that pulling away and feigning that he's disappearing - makes a woman want the man more ;-)

"Since I have been steadfast in refusing to be his playmate or #2 woman, and not inviting him to my home on Sunday, I really expect his interest to wane."

That probably won't happen - he's enjoying the challenge too much LOL ;-)

Just be careful Gem, as you know. He's too preoccupied with sex and I don't want to see him using you for it, ya' know? Just keep your wits about you. If he wants you, he knows what he has to do (break up with the poor woman he's attempting to cheat on and free himself to be single, instead of staying in an unhappy relationship and behaving like this behind her back.)

You know how to protect yourself and establish your boundaries and you've done a great job signaling those to him - just stay on your toes with him and all will be well ;-); July 23, 2014 at 9:03 AM
chk61 said...: @Gem50:

Just playing devil's advocate and please don't take this the wrong way but I'm wondering what you are getting out of the texting/sexting with Scorpio? He's in a relationship with another woman? I don't know....that would turn me off, at this point in life (I'm 53 and I think you're not too far behind!) I would imagine what it would be like to be the woman he is involved with and knowing how he's behaving with you....yecchhh! So his declining your invitation to meet that afternoon for a drink shows he's committed, in a sense, to this other woman. He is not actively going to cheat on her other than getting his ya-ya's out stringing you along via sexting. This is FUN for him, because you are a willing participant. If it's FUN for you, then OK. As Ms. Mirror advises, just be careful. It would seem that as long as you are willing to participate as a "back burner possibility" then he won't leave the other woman. He likes the idea of having you there so he can get hot and bothered with thoughts of sex, but he's actually having said sex with someone else.

That said, I certainly don't always play the game right either. After six months of no contact and uninspiring dates with other men, I emailed my DM. We got together, at my initiation, and we had dinner and a hot make out session after at his place. Yet again, nothing has changed, as the saying goes: "Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior." I know he is single, no girlfriend. He continues to be very active online, pursuing other women and *not* pursuing ME.

The twist this time is that after our meeting, he went out of his way and stuck his neck out repeatedly to help me with a project I requested his advice about, in an area that he has expertise in. He seriously went above and beyond what I would expect and saved me over a thousand dollars. He did initiate contact with me regarding this project and that encouraged me. Sigh.

I did spend some time thinking this MEANT SOMETHING. Why would he be so nice to me and try to help me if he wasn't interested in a relationship? My fantasies started to run amok, despite my thinking I had both feet on the ground and my eyes wide open about him. Then the final nail in the coffin: running into him, randomly, in a local watering hole in my town where he was meeting a blind date (!!!), and earlier that day I had emailed him, asking what he was up to that night and he did not respond. (BTW, we had never been to this place together,) It was slightly awkward and uncomfortable at that time, but I got over it. (Thankfully I never actually saw or met his date, they moved to the other end of the bar.) In retrospect, the Universe conspired on my behalf, I believe, to bang me over the head - once again - this man is NOT interested in a relationship with ME.

So I've made peace with him, we are "friends". I'm OK with that. I'm not sure if I'll even see him again but I do appreciate what he did for me. Of course, I have no idea what his motivation was. It may have been self-serving to assuage any guilt he may have had regarding his prior treatment of me. Or it made him feel like a man, as he considers himself somewhat of an "expert" in this area. Naturally, that is just conjecture on my part. I do think he likes me as a person but I am clearly not the woman he imagines for himself, romantically.

And this time it does feel different. Yeah, I still find him attractive but I won't pursue him again.

Leopards really don't change their spots! :-); July 23, 2014 at 10:42 AM
KK said...: Gem,

I can't agree more with MOA. All this man wants/or has ever wanted was sex. Nothing 'more' like you want/need.

I'd have to dig back to see how long you've known Scorpio or how long it's been since you've seen him/spent any time with him. But it almost sounds like he's 'e-maintaining' you too, keeping you around as a backup or #2 just in case. Which isn't fair to you or his current partner.

I'm bringing up old news here but it's dead on to Scorpio's behaviour. Pisces did the same to me last year(and/or I did it to myself too), I did not see him or spend any time with him for 8 months, yet he was still texting and 'sexting'. That's all he wanted too... I wanted 'more'. I really thought he could be capable of 'more'. Did I get 'more' from him in the end? NO. Instead, I wasted a year of my time waiting for him to make up his mind, while clinging onto hope and onto him - or the 'idea' of him. Then he told me he was with someone, but he had a whole year with me and didn't want to be with me and never really tried to be. I gave that guy too much - too much time, attention and myself. I got nothing back - except for a really good lesson.
Gem, I don't want to see that happen to you too. I know you're a smart woman, but I kinda get the feeling you're still attached to him - after all this time.
It's good you're refusing him and not willing to 'play', but I think something else should be added on... NC. That would make it really clear. Don't let him 'play' you with his words.

And I don't mean to give you shit for this, since I know you're probably exhausted already from Virgo and Scorpio's bs - (that's what it is) But honestly Gem... even if Scorpio was single, would he truly be capable of giving you what you really want/need. Or would it be the same ole'? If he hasn't changed or if his behaviour hasn't improved at all in the time that you've known him, it probably never will. You already know you can't change someone or force them to do something they don't wanna do.

I honestly wouldn't give this guy the time of day anymore, stop wasting your precious time and find someone who wants what you want and be happy - you deserve that!; July 23, 2014 at 12:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies, KK and chk61,
I should just clarify something, because Gem's situation is a bit complex, but regarding this:

"If it's FUN for you, then OK. As Ms. Mirror advises, just be careful. It would seem that as long as you are willing to participate as a "back burner possibility" then he won't leave the other woman."

There's a reason Gem is participating in this little exercise - and chk61 - you hit the reason on the head:

"He's in a relationship with another woman? I don't know....that would turn me off...I would imagine what it would be like to be the woman he is involved with and knowing how he's behaving with you....yecchhh!..."

It's a bit complex, but the short of it is this....I advised her participation in this little exercise for the sole reason of having her see, first hand, the REAL man Scorpio is. Meaning, she was falling for the ILLUSION of who this man was. But here...her participation has revealed to her his TRUE self - his true CHARACTER as a man. And by seeing first hand WHO this man TRULY is - it is my hope that it will help to deconstruct the ILLUSION of him that he previously presented to her - thus, in the end, helping her to move on from him.

Because you're absolutely right chk61, that other woman could very well be her. Scorpio is, and I think we've all agreed on this to an extent, an insecure man. And I've repeated on her many, many times that insecure men do NOT make good lovers, husbands or boyfriends - because generally speaking, these men need LOTS of female attention to feel like men, to make them feel better about themselves. As a result, many insecure men end up being cheaters :-(

Someone can tell Gem this all they want, but the reality is that once you SEE this first hand - it suddenly becomes much more clear. And when it becomes more clear, that false illusion they've sold you on is shattered - and you're left with the stark reality - which can actually help you GET OVER the man, ya' know?

So I just wanted to clarify that Gem is participating in this little exercise to help her cut through the fog about Scorpio by remaining on the sidelines participating here, making him relax his guard around her so that he reveals more of his true self to her, giving Gem all the information she needs to make an informed decision about this man - having finally seen the full picture.

Like I said, it's a bit complex. I hope all of you understand the concept. In short, it's hanging out on the sidelines participating so that he'll relax his guard and reveal his true self to her. Once the true self is revealed and the illusion is no longer present - THAT is when she becomes fully informed of who this man truly is.

And at that point, Gem gets to make her own decision about Scorpio. And if she decides to proceed, she'll have my support, but I'm sure you all know it will come with "caution" signs and realistic "warnings" about what a future with Scorpio could truly be like for her. If it doesn't work out, then it will be another valuable learning lesson. Either way, Gem is steering the wheel of her own destiny, taking the antics of these men in stride, observing wisely, growing stronger, smarter and more confident by the minute, learning how to say no and not take impulsive actions with men - and being accountable for her own decisions and the role she's played in the outcome of those decisions.

Cont...; July 23, 2014 at 12:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: It may seem a convoluted solution, I realize that - but really ladies, think about it. What better way to finally get over a man - than to finally be able see him for the a-hole he may truly be LOL ;-)

Gem's taking a big risk here gals, she's aware of that, and she's learning a lot in the process. She's learning to control impulsive decision making and observational skills - so don't worry for her - I think she's got this one - and whichever way she decides to go - in the end regardless - for the first time she will finally truly know the man for who he is - when making that important decision ;-); July 23, 2014 at 12:52 PM
Anonymous said...: I agree with Gem participating in this exercise. It will help to open her eyes to the situation and the man he really is. As my male friend told me and helped me to realize was : once you SEE something or SEE someone's character for who they really are you can't UN-SEE it. And that is what I am going through with my DM/ idiot. He is not the man he portrayed himself to be, so confident, self- assured, etc. He is an insecure, immature, entitled man- child. He couldn't see something great right in front of him so he settled for someone cheap and easy. Now he is stuck in a marriage with the girl because he got her pregnant. I don't know I guess I have come to the realization that he could never be the man that I needed. He didn't even marry her because he loved her it was because his father and her parents told him he had to. Your not even MAN enough to stand up to your own father, he couldn't even be his own man and make his own decisions. How do you make screwed up decisions in your personal life and then make good decisions in business? Like my male friend said he has no control over his life, he acts like a little boy therefore he gets treated like a little boy. It's pathetic really..... I now see that I quite possibly dodged a bullet here because that could have been me marrying him, being prego, having a tacky wedding just so he could validate me that I wasn't some drunken chick he banged.

You know I never believed it but the world is a small place and my best friend has a cousin that attended the wedding. He said it was the most awkward and uncomfortable thing he has ever seen, you can tell when a couple has been awaiting the day to share their love with everyone and you can see/ feel the love for one another. He said the groom was sooooo cold and dry especially with her all night. He said I saw no affection between them at all and the only reason why they would be getting married was because she was pregnant ( no one but immediate family knows this). He said it was a small simple wedding reception in which the groom's sister looked better than the bride and he looked totally screwed up in his rented, ill fitting tux. The first dance was like pulling teeth he didn't want to do it and she had to force him ( much like all their pictures together). He told me the groom and his family was on one side of the room and she was with her family on the other while texting on her cell. He said he didn't see that lasting long and honestly that marriage will be over soon enough. I wished them the best and LET IT GO!!!!!! I don't need any of that bad karma in my life and have decided to move on and open myself up to dating new men and looking forward to traveling very soon in August.

-- Jennifer; July 23, 2014 at 2:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Just a thought that has occurred to me... What do most of us women here have in common? Patience and perseverance. We can endure more of bad behaviour on the men´s side than any "average" woman would tolerate. I´ve recently met a girlfriend from the past, not particularly attractive or intelligent btw., and apart from other things we of course discussed men. Her attitude is straightforward: once a man disappoints her in any way, she talks to him about it and if he doesn´t apologize or explain himself she is gone. Well., that´s what Mirror keeps telling us. What really struck me when my friend said this was the matter of course way of her approaching this issue. It was obvious that she had never bothered to deal with any of the situations we describe here on the site simply because she was indifferent to them, she simply didn´t care and pursued men who she felt okay with.

As for Gemini, I approve of Mirror´s advice. I think that to a certain extent she still sees Scorpio through rose-coloured glasses and despite everything she believes in the good in him. I am with you, Gem, because I have done this many times, last time with the cyclist. As you know I repeatedly gave him a new chance - with a zero result. I don´t regret that though because only after some time I truly understood what kind of person he is. Of course, I saw signs of his bad character right at the start but there was some kind of attachment to him on my side so I persevered until I finally have had enough of him. By the way, he has not been in contact for 3 - 4 weeks now (disappeared) and I am not going to answer him when he reappears. The reason is that I have understood that he can´t even be a friend, let alone a partner and I have genuinely lost interest in his issues (loads of them including his ex-wife who he apparently can´t shake off emotionally).

So we can see a common pattern with men like these. Mirror has repeated a thousand times that once they behave inappropriately, it´s basically useless to give them the benefit of the doubt because nothing will come out of it anyway. The only reason why it´s beneficial to continue interacting with them is for learning purposes. As for me, I dare say, I have learned my lesson. Better be single than dance this neverending dance with a man who is actually lacking in all I desire.

Keep smiling despite whatever,
Hopeful; July 23, 2014 at 4:57 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and Ladies,
First off, know I love you all and no worries about pushing back on me – it’s all good.

I thought Scorpio would disappear after my refusing to have him over Sunday. Ms. Mirror disagreed and said he is enjoying this challenge – Ms. Mirror is right AGAIN! Last night Scorpio was texting me crazy when he got out of work.

When Scorpio and Virgo first text me, I knew I was being tested. I think I understood the test as it was happening with Virgo; I haven’t reached it yet with Scorpio.

When I first found out Scorpio had a so-called girlfriend, I wanted to run! And, I’m good at running (as shown with the online dating stuff). I am quite happy alone; I don’t demand a lot of attention; I don’t need “things” to fill me up. I make enough money to support myself, and I am extremely good at pretending that everything is alright. My kids have no idea when Mom is in a funk, and the world sees Gem as a happy go lucky single woman with life by the tail – so stowing myself away is so damn easy -- and safe.

As Ms. Mirror explains, she advised me to stay engaged on the fringes w/Scorpio and continue to remind him of his so-called girlfriend. At first I thought she was nuts (lol) and I didn’t want to do it. But thinking about it, I knew it was the only way I was going to break Scorpio’s spell over me. And a spell it has been; I have been entranced with him and what we had, and just couldn’t understand what happened at the end. It didn’t make sense, and I’ve simply never gotten over it.

By my being casual not judgemental, and his friend rather than his responsibility, Scorpio and I have had some interesting text conversations. He has continually told me that he loves me and because we were so happy, he made the decision that he never wanted me as an ex. He's told me repeatedly that he doesn’t want to hurt me; and as Ms. Mirror has explained, when a man says he doesn’t want to hurt you, they believe they are being honest about their intentions and they will not take responsibility for the woman’s pain when things go awry.

For me, a most telling comment from Scorpio came last night after me pushing back about not being single, “If we were a couple, I would be sexting someone else. So I said to myself that you please me so much that I didn’t want to be your steady. I love you too much.”

Wow!

Scorpio knows exactly who he is, and he’s beginning to show me the truth as well.

I will not pretend that I have this “under control,” because I don’t. With both Virgo and Scorpio, they made decisions about “us” without recognizing me in the decision process. I am not that way. The only thing I control here is me and my choices. I cannot control “this” experience because I am not the only one in it.
I am trying to stick to my boundaries and determination not to be part of a man’s harm to another woman.

Scorpio text me three times this morning, but I stuck to my “no texting at work” rule. He asked last night to come over Friday, stay the night, and was clear that he will leave in the morning. He repeated his request this morning.

I asked to meet for a drink instead.

We’ll see who, if anyone, wins this struggle for power.

peace ladies; July 23, 2014 at 8:03 PM
KK said...: @Mirror, Gem and all the ladies...

"What better way to finally get over a man - than to finally be able to see him for the a-hole he may truly be LOL ;-)" - Very true. It takes a short while for some and sometimes years for others to get there though.
I do understand that Gem and any of us really need to see it for ourselves for it to stick. So I get that part of Gem's current situation. I also must have missed the part where Mirror advised Gem to 'participate', since that's usually not the "MOA" way. That's what initially confused me.

@Gem, just wanted to clarify that any advice or comments we do give you, most likely come with love and respect and support for you, not against you at all. I think we're just trying to 'protect' you and look out for you while trying to understand this too.
Like Mirror has said it is a complex situation, it will make sense to some here and then probably confuse the rest of us. (Scorpio gives me a headache lol)
If it was anyone else, I think I would be more worried. But since it's Gem, I do believe she is strong enough to handle it. While others might/could get sucked back into that 'vortex' and let emotions run everything.

"Scorpio knows exactly who he is, and he’s beginning to show me the truth as well." - He's showing us all Gem - very 'telling' stuff coming out.
"I asked to meet for a drink instead." - This makes me smile everytime I see you've requested/suggested it. And yet I somehow know what his response to that will be without hearing it from you.

You're one tough cookie Gem, I don't know how you do it...; July 24, 2014 at 2:48 PM
Taurus165 said...: I got the Hey...text after a week or 2, as you said I waited for 3 days and answered just as you recommended.
Now 3 weeks later still no response....is this still giving him space? Or is he gone for 4-ever?; July 24, 2014 at 3:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Taurus165,
"I got the Hey...text after a week or 2, as you said I waited for 3 days and answered just as you recommended.
Now 3 weeks later still no response....is this still giving him space? Or is he gone for 4-ever?"

Sit tight dear - over 90% of them eventually come back LOL. May not be a week or two or even three, but eventually, chances are your silence will make him curious and he'll return.

And if he doesn't, congratulate yourself - because you will have just sussed him out as a half interested man that would've pulled this again anyway - and you'll know not to waste any more of your precious time.; July 24, 2014 at 4:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
We all care for Gem, and she knows those comments are only out of concern and I know she personally appreciates every single one of them - so no worries there :-)

As for her situation, yea, it's not my normal suggestion. But sometimes you have to take drastic measures to get drastic results LOL. In the end, I think Gem will be better off for having participated although as you said, this is a risk and it requires great personal strength to stand your ground - this tactic isn't for everyone, that's for sure. And Gem is building on those skills as we speak, and passing with flying colors. She's an inspiration to us all.; July 24, 2014 at 4:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, Gemini and the ladies,

but isn´t it already obvious what kind of character this man ( Gemini´s Scorpio) is? He is playing with the emotions of two women while he isn´t emotionally invested in either of them. And as I understood it, Mirror´s original intention was to make Gemini see his real colours, which has already happened, hasn´t it? So wouldn´t it be better at this point to say definite farewell to him? Without any further power struggles...

Hopeful; July 24, 2014 at 6:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"So wouldn´t it be better at this point to say definite farewell to him? Without any further power struggles..."

That's a personal decision for Gem dear. She'll know when she's had enough and feels ready to move on, she'll feel the "shift" :-); July 25, 2014 at 8:56 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and the Ladies,
Your comments make me smile. I would/could not have done this a year ago... maybe even six months ago. But there is a lesson I need to learn here. My soul needs to learn. I am seeing glimpses of knowledge, but not there yet. I understand you can see the negatives in Scorpio's behavior.

I share what is going on to help others. When I found Ms. Mirror's site at 50, I had no clue how to date/how to make choices/how to identify a good man for me (!!) I didn't know that I had Power for me. The information Ms. Mirror shares is a much needed lesson book for women to take care of themselves; a book w/real life examples, explanations and tools.

My stuff is just adding to her pages so that the women that are here in the state I was in when I first came here (a wretched mess) , can see, just as one example, if you are willing to do the work, take care of your self first, things will change.

And I'll share that lately all I hear when faced with choices with Scorpio is my brother's words, "Don't give up your Power." It just plays over and over again, and gives me strength.

Scorpio was at it again last night and this morning. He wants to come over "so bad," just for sex. He is playing with me emotionally, and I know it. Last night was a tough one... I wanted to give in, but the thing that stopped me may surprise you. It wasn't because of him or me that I said no, it was because of my determination to live an honest life and not hurt another (the so-called girlfriend).

I have taken a few days off of work, and told him so when I first asked him to go for a drink - told him to pick the day. This morning he was texting like crazy wanting a "lunch quickie."

I'll be honest, I was pretty frustrated last night, and when he started this morning, I let the frustration go -- I told him what I wanted in a relationship, etc. It was good stuff.

His response was to just keep asking for the quickie, and basically ignoring what I wrote. (I know he'll read it later). I know he thinks he has the upper hand here in regards to the texting/manipulation skills, and I don't care. I am honest with him, and I am sure he sees it as a sign of weakness. And again, I don't care. I need to travel this path.

After I kept saying no and asking to meet for a drink, our texts ended this morning with Scorpio texting> I was just being friendly.

Which really pissed me off. And then a thought came to me: I have absolutely nothing to lose here. NOTHING. He's giving me NOTHING. He isn't helping me. He isn't contributing to my life. He isn't doing one damn thing for me to help make my life better. He's the only one that has anything to lose here -- me, for is sexting needs.

Continued; July 25, 2014 at 12:43 PM
Gem50 said...: Continued

So, I turned the tables on him. I gave him back a line he recently sent me > K. Be happy sweety.

And that was 2 hrs ago; heard nothing more, and right now, I don't care. I could get lonely later, and start to have the familiar anxiety, but I will talk myself through it. It happened yesterday when I didn't hear from him... I told him my schedule, yet he didn't contact me. I started feeling lonely and sad. I dealt with it by going out on my deck for a couple hours, laying in the sun, reading and breathing and filling myself up with me. And you know what happened? when I came in to get ready to go out to a music event downtown, my daughter txt me, then gf txt me, then my granddaughter's mother txt me, then Scorpio txt me... if I would have reacted to my loneliness of Scorpio's attn. yesterday, I would have given up my Power -- handed "me" and his ability to play with me right into his hands.

So, ladies, right now my life is going through a lesson. I don't know how long it is going to take, and I don't know how deep it will go. But I can tell you how much I am thankful for your positive thoughts. We, all of us here, are amazing!

One more thing: I was watching two squirrels this morning. One hopping behind the other. The one behind kept sniffing at the ass of the one in front, and I assumed it was a female in front, male in back. Well, she was doing her thing and just scooting him away doing her thing, yet he kept going after her. At one point he diverted to some water, and she could care less. She continued on her way, doing her thing. When he was done, he trollied on after her again, and they started right back up to him chasing her, and her going about her stuff.

This seemed to me what Ms. Mirror has been teaching. We women need to keep to our focus, do our thing, let the man do his thing, and if he's interested, he will make every attempt to win the woman he wants.

Peace ladies :) (and hugs!); July 25, 2014 at 12:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gem and The Ladies,
"I was watching two squirrels this morning...I assumed it was a female in front, male in back...She continued on her way, doing her thing. When he was done, he trollied on after her again...This seemed to me what Ms. Mirror has been teaching. We women need to keep to our focus, do our thing, let the man do his thing, and if he's interested, he will make every attempt to win the woman he wants."

Nature is ALWAYS one of the BEST teachers. Whether we like it or not, there is a very natural order to things - Mother Nature's natural roles - and it's generally when we attempt to stray from those natural roles that we begin experiencing difficulties.

If it's worked for Mother Nature for eons - then it'll work for us too. The natural path is the path of least resistance and we can all ALWAYS learn a thing or two from observing the natural order of things ;-); July 25, 2014 at 12:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Love it. Thanks for sharing your lovely squirrel observations Gemini50.

It's all so simple. We women need to stop going against nature, and just stay focused on being our best selves. Let the guys worry about "making things happen" if they're genuinely interested. That's THEIR job, not ours. Amen!; July 25, 2014 at 2:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms. Mirror, I have a question about "Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves." If you don't give guys the attention or care/concern that they are looking for when they pull these stunts, does that make them think you don't care or you are not interested in them, therefore discouraging them from asking you out?; July 25, 2014 at 2:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 25, 2:52 PM,
"If you don't give guys the attention or care/concern that they are looking for when they pull these stunts, does that make them think you don't care or you are not interested in them, therefore discouraging them from asking you out?"

It may or may not, depends on the man and his level of interest to begin with. But the point is - don't let yourself be emotionally manipulated by these things. If you do, then when they want attention - they'll think the way to get it from you - is to pull an upsetting stunt. And you really don't want to be dating someone that's constantly pushing your buttons in order to get attention for themselves.

Remain calm, cool, collected and mature. The men who cannot appreciate that about you may not proceed - but that's okay, because you don't want to date the one's that will constantly push your buttons anyway. Date those that are strong enough and mature enough to appreciate your maturity as well :-); July 25, 2014 at 3:04 PM
Anonymous said...: I understand now - thank you very much for the explanation. Especially helpful was the part about not starting a pattern of stunt pulling whenever they want your attention.

That was very helpful. Thanks again!; July 25, 2014 at 3:14 PM
Anonymous said...: I've read this site for almost a year now and I am particularly interested in Gem50's dealings with Virgo and Scorpio. About 3 years ago I started talking with an ex boyfriend from HS on facebook. It started out as friend stuff (movies, tv shows) but we both started having issues in our marriages. My husband doesn't always give me enough attention (no excuse of course) and I was looking for that attention and admiration from someone else. The ex was in a marriage where his wife was an alcoholic and addicted to pain pills. He also has two boys, around 11 and 7 at the time. Anyway he would work the 3-11pm shift and we would email and talk most nights. Not good I know. I was giving all my attention to him. We mostly only emailed about "innocent ' things for about a few months, then he said he had feelings for me and we thought we should break it off. That lasted a day when he emailed me and said he missed me and we continued. For almost two years. We never talked on the phone. He did ask once or twice , but I said no each time .We only talked about sex one time, strangely enough..He said him and his wife were getting a divorce and he wanted the chance with me after that was over with . Part 1; July 25, 2014 at 5:38 PM
Anonymous said...: I admit I also looked at his wife's facebook page from time to time and that was when I found lies in his story. Keep in mind we emailed EVERY day and then once in awhile he would disappear , gone for a week, then he would be back again with some lie because in looking at his wife's page, the times he would disappear, she had pictures of them on vacation. So I let it go and we continued. Then he disappeared again. This time for a month. I deleted him as a facebook book friend after a month and that same day he was back with an email ???? He asked why I deleted him. I told him that he shouldn't disappear like that and I was tired of it. we talked it out and he agreed he wouldn't do that anymore. I am not sure when , about 2 months later after once again emailing every day , he disappeared. I deleted him again, felt guilty and re added him. he said he didnt email me in 2 weeks because he was dealing with something on his rental property. I said I understand if you get busy , just a quick email letting me know that is the polite thing to do . he said I guess I dont understand what it means to be busy and he said 'he wants to be friends but he didn't like the needy part" that really pissed me off and I said that what he considered needy I considered respect for someone you supposedly care about. he back tracked then and said he was way harsh and he was sorry .. I couldn't believe (and still cant) that he didnt literally have 2 minutes in 2 weeks to send me an email letting me know he wouldnt be able to email for awhile . I would have had no problem with that ... and I told him so . After that we continued to chat normally but something wasn't the same. He said his wife was talking about going into rehab. He said he hates even being in the same room with her etc etc. this was in August . I told him we needed to end this and he needs to be there for his wife and family ( I didnt know the extent of her addiction until that point) he said he wasnt sure his wife wants his help but he would try. So we parted friends. I felt sick about the whole thing...then in Sept. one month after he told me he loved me and wished he could be with me , he starts posting love notes on his wife's facebook page. Dedicates songs to her. He has never done that before yet now he writes how much he loves her. I deleted him as a facebook friend. I admit i checked his page still and right after I deleted him he has one picture that isn't 'friends only" I guess so I can see , and it is him and his wife. he is looking right at the camera and the caption says that his 'honey is home again in my heart life is so good " . That really hurt and I knew that was for me to see. So now it has been almost three years and I feel so compelled to email him again. I don't know why. I don't know what to do . I feel like we can maybe be just friends at this point. I miss all of our emails about tv shows and movies. he was fun to talk to about normal stuff. I have no interest in anything with him other than friends. I don't know if it is important but he was my first boyfriend in HS. I was 14, he was 17 . He was a 'bad boy" , got in trouble, and actually ended up in jail. I dont remember much of that time, he reminded me that he called me from jail begging for us to get back together and I told him no, and he said we both cried. he said that was one of the worse experiences of his life and I was the love of his life. I don't get that since we only went out maybe 2 weeks...he has been married once before , plus had many girlfriends after me. he once told me he hoped we could always be friends no matter what . But I just felt like we were using each other back then to escape the issues in our marriages. Any advice ? Gena 33; July 25, 2014 at 5:39 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
I was involved with a DM for quite some time, and your advice was invaluable. The last punch he threw was disappearing to enter a relationship with another woman. When it was pointed out to him by mutual friends how awful that was, he contacted me asking to speak to him, and I did not respond. Now, many months later, he came up to me at the grocery store and engaged me in conversation. I am mad at myself, because after holding my ground with no contact, I was friendly--even overly friendly--and feel I let him totally off the hook. I guess I was caught off guard. Did I totally blow it? Thanks, D.; July 26, 2014 at 10:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gena 33,
"Any advice?"

I'd say it's best not to stir any of this up again. Particularly if you're longing for him to be back in your life. I realize you just want to be friends, but he's married - so you have to consider if that's really appropriate or not. Is it really appropriate for to be friends with a married ex from your past, ya' know? Particularly with a man that's "He was a 'bad boy". Chances are, there's still some of that left in him and if you return, there's always the possibility that he'll try to emotionally manipulate you.

I just don't see the benefits of taking the risk of letting this man back in your life at this point. I think the risks far outweigh the benefits and I would just leave things be as they are now if it were me.; July 28, 2014 at 9:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @D,
"after holding my ground with no contact, I was friendly--even overly friendly--and feel I let him totally off the hook. I guess I was caught off guard. Did I totally blow it?"

Did you let him off the hook? Yea, more or less - when you were overly friendly, he probably felt things were now "patched up" between you two, which most likely relieved him of any lingering guilt he may have been feeling or felt in the past.

Did you blow it?

I wouldn't worry about that dear. This guy was totally ignorant and disappeared "to enter a relationship with another woman." HE already blew it right there. There's no future with a man that chooses another of you, ya' know? You don't WANT a future with a half interested man like that or it'll only end up in a "repeat" of what originally happened. So YOU didn't blow it - HE blew it the minute he did THAT. Even his own friends knew that "it was pointed out to him by mutual friends how awful that was."

When someone treats you like that dear - THEY'VE already blown it with YOU, ya' know?; July 28, 2014 at 9:16 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
It's D. again and I thank you for your response. I just had to add that when I mentioned his behavior to one of our mutual friends, she said he had broken up with the woman he disappeared on me for--but, after his conversation with me, got back together with her. I'm not saying our conversation was the reason; I'm saying there is no interaction with this guy that's authentic. I think you are right: he's not burdened by feeling like a jerk anymore so it's smooth sailing. Oh, well. What can ya do? ;) D.; July 28, 2014 at 9:59 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm a hopelessly in love pissed off Virgo. I been dealing with a disappearing Libra for almost a year. We met online our personalities clicked immediately we started talking on the phone for hours at a time, we would literally spend 6-8 hours throughout the day talking to each other. He would call me I would call him it was a mutual attraction. Our first face to face we met in Denver it was great we had a wonderful time. He disappeared for a month a few days after we both got back to our homes. He re-appeared after the thirty day, I was totally confused with his disappearance, hurt, angry you name it. We started talking again slowly he gave some lame excuse about the disappearing and I accepted his excuse and we planned another meeting the following month, again we had a great time great connection everything went perfect. Guess what, he disappeared again this time is was a shorter amount of time. Again I didn't make a huge deal of the disappearance, I really liked him and he seemed to really like me. We met in Miami in January had the best three days there, he introduced me to a very close friend of his we spent the day with that friend everything spelled future. He disappeared after that. I decided that was it I was done with him I was going to get over him, and maybe someday in the future we may could he friends but I was not going to put up with his disappearing acts any more. I did not contact him he did not contact me. a few month later he stepped in the picture again I held my ground told him he was not the relationship type etc. He played me like a fiddle, he says all the right things, says that I'm the best catch in the world for him etc. I fall for him again, I cant seem to break his spell I really, really like him. We have planned to meet again next month, he has disappeared this past week no contact. I have done all the wrong things again I have called, text etc. I believe he will show up again what do I do. Do I go on the trip with him, we even have a trip set up for the following month too. I sound pretty stupid even as I type this but I really like him. HELP!!!; July 30, 2014 at 12:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 30, 12:22 PM,
"He played me like a fiddle, he says all the right things, says that I'm the best catch in the world for him etc...I cant seem to break his spell"

Those are only WORDS dear. It's ACTIONS that tell the truth. And when a man says this, "says that I'm the best catch in the world for him" and the DOES this "He disappeared for a month...He re-appeared...he disappeared again...We met in Miami...He disappeared after that...he stepped in the picture...he has disappeared this past week" - his WORDS clearly do NOT align with his ACTIONS...which is a big red flag warning that he's being dishonest, deceitful and manipulative :-(

"I believe he will show up again what do I do"

Ignore him and accept the reality that he's not ready for a relationship - OR - go along with it once again and suffer a repeat. If you continue to permit him to treat you this way, then he'll continue to do it dear :-(

"I sound pretty stupid even as I type this but I really like him"

You might want to ask yourself why dear. Why do you like a man so much that treats you so very poorly? Why do you strongly desire more poor treatment? Why do you not value yourself as being worth more:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

You deserve better dear. But unless YOU decide that you deserve better for yourself - this will continue to happen to you :-(; July 31, 2014 at 5:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror…Lottie here.
Just was feeling a bit wobbly today…and thought that I would come and write some thoughts. I’ve approached the 6 month mark of NC with my scorpio ex. He broke it off unexpectedly saying things weren’t working out…but that he still wanted to remain friends. I walked away saying that it was not possible for me to remain friends with him…and wished him all the best.

Finally last week….a switch went off in my head. All the feelings I had for him died down. I no longer romanticized about him. I could see him for what he was.
The penny actually dropped for me after I watched a film where a passionate young lady took no prisoners when it came to men treating her badly. She told them exactly what she thought and her actions were pretty much the same as well. She had zero tolerance towards men who treated her badly. The men thought she was crazy…but they never messed with her after.

It just made me think and made me smile…..and that’s when the penny finally dropped for me. I was able to turn off those feelings. I kinda wished I had blown up like this lady in the film, shaming my ex for messing me about. But I didn’t, I walked away quietly.

Nevertheless….I have been dating Ms Mirror [BTW you’re blogs on “how to date” have been amazing] – I have felt so safe and in control dating this time around.
This time I just waited and observed behavior. After trying on line dating and being se-up by friends, only one guy has come close. In fact he has ticked all the boxes and has proved himself to me. He has been attentive, arranging all the dates, paying for meals, dropping me home. Everything you have suggested.

We have not kissed and our dates have been quite light hearted…just getting to know each other basically.
This is the hardship ms Mirror….he is lovely and sweet….but there is no connection on my part. I really really had hoped feelings would develop for me.
But they didn’t. We have been out 5 times…but I don’t think I can take it any further. It just wouldn’t be fair on him.

I feel like I am back to square one. Although romantically my feelings for my ex scorpio have died down….I do miss the way we had connected and laughed.

Not sure what the future will bring now.

Lottie. x; August 1, 2014 at 12:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello again MOA. I've written to you several times over the past few years regarding a disappearing man who continues to plague my heart. I had been doing so well and hadn't had contact for 6 months when suddenly we started talking again. Big mistake! lol I was elated and he seemed so happy we were back in contact, we messaged on Yahoo a lot. We used to talk on the phone but didn't during this recent stretch. We had such strong chemistry! He said he was sad that we lived so far apart as he really wanted to be close with me. He lives in another country but is from the States. He let me know over and over that he was coming to the States. "I'm coming to the States, I'm coming to the States, btw I'm coming to the States." I was excited as I thought we would be able to spend time together. Needless to say, he came and went in May and I never go so much as a phone call. I felt so sad, probably the saddest I've felt in years. I have not heard from him since 22 April and have no plans to contact him. I see him on the dating site where we met. He looks at my profile and I see him on the chat but I say nothing to him and he says nothing to me. In his previous correspondences he used the word LOVE capitalized and said he wanted to see me "more than you know." What a bunch of BS! Nevertheless, I still feel terrible and whenever I see him in the chat room my heart sinks. I know I should ignore him forever but how do I get over this man once and for all? He's disappeared many times for months at a time only to reappear. I really like him but know in my heart that there is no future and who wants a future with a man like this anyway. Why can't I forget him? I feel terrible. ):

Astrid; August 1, 2014 at 1:15 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA, how do you tell a DM jerk to stop contact you in the way that he would feel so devastated yet keeping your composure? Thanks!; August 3, 2014 at 5:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Astrid,
"I know I should ignore him forever but how do I get over this man once and for all?"

Force yourself to remember how poorly he treated you when you think about him. Start to separate the "fantasy" of "what could be" from the "reality" of "what actually is" - and if you do that - you'll start to see the reality in clear view, and how poorly he treated you - and that should become very unattractive to you. Don't let yourself fantasize about what could be...instead, begin to accept the reality of what is.

"Why can't I forget him?"

I think it may be because you're fantasizing a bit (using your emotions) and remembering only the good parts he showed, instead of focusing on the reality of how he actually treated you (using logic, common sense and intellect). If you remove your emotions and only use logic and common sense with regards to him, you'll start to see the difference between "what could be" and "what actually is."

He's never treated you well, he's only manipulated you and used you at his convenience - if you keep reminding yourself of that, hopefully eventually - he should become very unattractive to you when you reflect on him.; August 4, 2014 at 12:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 3, 5:29 PM,
"how do you tell a DM jerk to stop contact you in the way that he would feel so devastated yet keeping your composure?"

I don't advocate verbal confrontations dear. If you do that, you place yourself at risk for a verbal assault from him due to defensiveness - and some really hurtful things can be said that could do some real damage to you emotionally. It's not worth the risk of damaging yourself and causing yourself pain with these guys because most times, they'll just laugh it off anyway unfortunately, if they're very arrogant and used to manipulating women - they find those verbal assaults humorous and funny...not devastating. And the last thing on earth you want to do is give a guy like that a story to share with his buddies about how this crazy chick freaked out on him. Men take a woman freaking out emotionally as reassurance that she cares. Because let's face it, if she didn't, she wouldn't freak out, ya' know?

I wouldn't give him any reassurance like that that he upset me and I wouldn't risk a verbal assault from him either - men like that aren't worth it dear.

But you know what DOES devastate a man with a big ego and lots of arrogance?

Your silence.

When a man that's used to getting his way with women suddenly isn't able to get the reaction that he expects (they expect you to freak out emotionally)...THAT is what becomes devastating to them. They're used to women freaking out on them and showing them they care by doing so. That's the reaction they expect to receive. But when they don't get that reassurance or the opportunity to push those buttons anymore - it's like a hit to their ego. They start to wonder why you are NOT affected by them, and this creates self doubt within them...and THAT is what they find devastating - that they cannot affect you anymore. Verbally assaulting them is what they expect and it reassures them that you care.

But when you're silent and non-reactive...a man with a large ego and a lot of arrogance will be thrown off guard by that ;-); August 4, 2014 at 12:33 PM
pisces girl said...: "when you're silent and non-reactive...a man with a large ego and a lot of arrogance will be thrown off guard by that " this is absolutely the truth im finding with my experiences with these these kind of men. They need to experience some sort of loss to be humbled and to be able to really think and reflect -its good for them and for mankind because it teaches them that they aren't as in control and put together as they think. Although it doesn't seem like it these men have feelings too and If they had any genuine feelings for you they will be deeply affected by your silence more so than any thing you could do or say to them and they will ultimately circle back around- the pull back is the only way. It is so hard to literally do nothing especially when you're so used to doing something but it is the only way for these kind of men to learn to not take you for granted and it actually builds their level of respect for you because they realize that you are different and not desperate to be with them. A genuinely interested man no matter how big and powerful and how many credentials he has (:P) will put his pride aside and do what it takes to track you down and have you in his life. From my previous post I was debating if I should call credentials back-I didn't. I figure if he is genuinely interested he will continue to try to contact me until he gets a hold of me. Ill continue to do nothing-life is hard enough and a man should be making it better and easier not causing you stress and making you feel bad and having you put in all the work and effort to be with him.; August 4, 2014 at 1:12 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,
you're so right I should save my time and thoughts on this guy, and the only thing he is worth hearing are crickets on the silent night. I'm beyond done on this one. Thank you so much, You're truly amazing!; August 4, 2014 at 1:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Yes, from my experience I must confirm that what Mirror says about silence has proven absolutely correct. Although my experience with the cyclist was more a non-relationship than a relationship it´s true that my silnce inspired him to treat me better (for some time at least) and he must have realized (although I am not 100% sure) that there are women out there who are not for playing. Silence is indeed a powerful and effective tool. It requires certain willpower on the woman´s side though, so let´s train it. :-)
Hopeful; August 4, 2014 at 3:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Some quotes on the power of silence to help empower you all :-)

"Silence is the most powerful scream" ~ Anonymous

"Don't waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say - is nothing at all." ~ Mandy Hale

"He who does not understand your silence - will probably not understand your words." ~ Elbert Hubbard

"Silence is true wisdom's best reply." ~ Euripides

"Silence is the sleep that nourishes wisdom." ~ Francis Bacon

"Saying nothing, is ALWAYS saying something." ~ MOA ;-); August 4, 2014 at 4:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you soo much, these quotes are truly empowering and I do need that right now bc my bf started to take days to respond my msgs and as an excuse he says that he was working a lot been sleeping a lot but I think if you really care about someone you can take a few minutes of your time every day answering them.

He even ignored/missed two of my phone calls and never called back...:( Id like to give him silent treatment for a while but it is soo hard and Im not sure what I should say as an excuse when I respond eventually...He usually texts me something like "how is your day goin" or something realted to that day...or I should say no excuse for late response just respond like 3 days later as if the question was about that day? or I shouldnt respond at all?

Im just so confused and feel bad for ignoring him or anyone for that matter, I think it is cruel and inconsiderate and I regard myself a kind and caring person and always think about how sad I would feel if I was ignored so I eventually want to respond....But this time I feel he doesnt deserve it....Anyway, what should my text be if I delay my response for a few days or even longer? Should I say an excuse at all? And thank you MOA so much for helping us all, you dont know how much this blog mans to us! God bless you <3; August 4, 2014 at 4:45 PM
pisces girl said...: you are so awesome Mirror! I love quotes and yours was definitely my favorite!; August 4, 2014 at 7:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Mirror. If and when DM reappears his lame excuses will be greeted with silence. Love the quotes!

Astrid; August 4, 2014 at 8:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 4, 4:45 PM,
"or I should say no excuse for late response just respond like 3 days later as if the question was about that day? or I shouldnt respond at all?"

You do what he does. You mirror his own behavior and you "ignored/missed two of my phone calls and never called back," "says that he was working a lot." If it works for him and he expects you to accept that and be okay with it, then there's absolutely no reason whatsoever that the same cannot apply to you.

"feel bad for ignoring him or anyone for that matter"

Why...it's not your job to nurture the entire world dear. And when you are nice to people who treat you poorly, do you know what that says to them? It says that they can treat you as poorly as they want and they'll never have to fear losing you, because no matter what, you'll still be there - because you're desperate for the attention. And I'm quite sure that's not the impression you want to be giving anyone of yourself, ya' know? If you do that, people will walk all over you and take advantage of you right and left dear.

"I think it is cruel and inconsiderate"

It is - which is why you need to signal that you will not tolerate that poor treatment from others and that you deserve better than that. You do not roll over and become someone's doormat that they can walk all over and wipe their dirty feet on daily. You signal that you have self-respect, you deserve better and that their cruel and inconsiderate treatment of you will not be tolerated and will be met with the same type of treatment back to them. You get what you give in this world dear. If you give poor treatment out, then you get poor treatment back - that's how people learn to respect one another - by setting clear boundaries of what is and is not tolerated.

Picture it like this. If your dog peed on the floor, would you give it a treat? Would you reward your dog for peeing on the floor? If you do, guess what? The dog will start peeing on the floor all the time and you'll never be able to stop it. You NEVER reward POOR treatment. If you do, you are teaching someone that when they do something wrong, they receive your love and kindness in return. That's not how your raise pets, and that's not how you raise children to teach them the difference between right and wrong - so why would you raise your relationship that way?

In order to properly parent and to properly raise a good pet, you HAVE to establish boundaries of right and wrong - or your children and your pets will be spoiled brats that no one enjoys being around and they'll walk all over you. To parent properly, you need to signal the difference between right and wrong, and you only reward GOOD behavior. BAD behavior gets met with a punishment. That's how children learn, that's how pets learn, that's how people learn.

When someone treats you poorly, you do NOT reward them with your kindness and attention. Instead, you go silent and you signal that if they want to speak to you, they need to treat you right and behavior properly. You would do it with your children, you'd do it with your pets....and you need to do it with other human beings as well. Again, that's how people learn the difference between right and wrong - there is a CONSEQUENCE for BAD behavior.

"what should my text be if I delay my response for a few days or even longer?"

If I were you, I would not respond in a few days. I'd seriously put him to the test and I would not respond at all until he rang me 2 or 3 times. And then when I did answer and he asked why it took so long or where I've been....I'd throw his own words right back at him, "he says that he was working a lot been sleeping a lot."

If it's a good enough explanation for him, then it's a good enough explanation for you ;-); August 5, 2014 at 9:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror I've had a nightmare! I finally got asked out by the guy I like after having known him for ages. We kissed it was magical. He bought me a bracelet (it's lovely). Now it's all gone wrong. He'd arrange to see me and flake out. We'd start ignoring eachother and then one of us would get back in touch. I know he was stalking my Facebook and Twitter because I was stalking his too and he'd post subliminal messages on there. Now I'm on holiday and foolishly contacted him. It got us talking and he told me he was going on a date. I thought he was saying it to get a reaction so I played along. The next day he said he would ring and when he didn't two hours later he replied saying he rang the other girl and forgot to message me. Now we've had a huge row over text. I gave him what fot mirror, I told him I deserve respect and that I never want to speak to him again. He contradicted himself by saying he would give anyone up for me but then that he wasn't going to lose any sleep over it and that I should leave him alone. I know he's still stalking my social media as he referenced something. Now I feel awful. Is it my fault? Did I push him away? I'm likely to run into him at the gym. I felt so much chemistry when we kissed I can't believe it's come down to him. What if it's me and I never meet the right man?; August 5, 2014 at 10:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 5, 10:23 AM,
"He contradicted himself by saying he would give anyone up for me...he told me he was going on a date...he replied saying he rang the other girl and forgot to message me"

That's flat out rude, he's acting as if this is a big game by rubbing your face in it like that, he's doing this to get a reaction and push your buttons, he's playing emotional games - and he's lying. Because if he were really that enamored with you, he wouldn't even want to date other women.

Drop him like a hot potato. It's one thing for folks to casually date others in the early days, but to throw it in someone's face like that with a veiled, back handed slap about him contacting her and forgetting about you - that's emotional manipulation.

And if he's playing this dirty this early on dear - trust me - dating an arrogant, insecure game player like this would be a living hell and he'd probably spend the bulk of his time cheating and playing emotional games anyway.

"Is it my fault? Did I push him away?"

No - he's a grown man that's acting childish right now by rubbing your face in another woman. He doesn't deserve ANY woman when he's acting like that. That type of behavior does NOT draw people towards you, it only pushes them away. He's hoping you'll be jealous and chase him - DON'T do that. If you do, he'll continue toying with you after receiving the reassurance that he can.

"What if it's me and I never meet the right man?"

It's not you dear. This guy's clearly childish and he's signaling he's not mature enough for a real relationship :-(; August 5, 2014 at 4:57 PM
Anonymous said...: I can't believe this thread is still so relevant.
So. Mine is a Taurus. Scorpio moon. Talk about Brooding.
When I dissappear, and then take time to answer him, he gets mad

Any advice; August 5, 2014 at 6:34 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much for your insightful reply Mirror (I'm the anon from the above post). I'd be utterly lost without you. I just have one more question...before I read your reply I let myself down. :( I felt so hurt by the things he said, I contacted him again and said "do you really mean that?" In regards to him saying, he wanted me to leave him alone. Except I was too much of a coward to read his 5 word reply so I made my cousin read and delete it and tell me when I'm ready. I know it's not nice what he said because she hinted. Now I can't stop crying. He's really got to me mirror. I'm so worried about what he thinks of me. What if I run into him at the gym? How do I handle the situation? How do I stop this from breaking me? I know it's a self esteem issue (by the way if you ever do a post on how to improve that I'd really appreciate it :). Please help, I can't stop thinking about him and I can't stop blaming myself. Thanks again. Xx; August 6, 2014 at 9:54 AM
Gem50 said...: @ All the ladies,

Just an update and comment:

Update: No contact from Virgo - no surprise w/that. Still texting w/Scorpio. But not moving anything forward for each of us. We both are not budging, so it seems this may just burn out slowly.

Comment (and I hope I can explain this well enough): I keep thinking about and have repeatedly written here, “Don’t give up your Power,” but I don’t think I really knew what our “Power,” as women, was, until a couple weeks ago after replaying comments from Virgo and Scorpio to/about me.

I’ve explained here before about my childhood abuse, married/divorced young, raising kids alone, fighting for child support, working my axx off to survive, having to be strong, etc.

I didn’t share that I’ve put a pedaphile in jail, I’ve stood up to bully-bosses (one on one, not as a victim); I’ve spoken on victim rights at a regional Conference of lawmakers, police, attorneys, etc.. I’ve stood up for my kids in the schools, challenged an international religious group trying to put their claws in my son and I was a driving force to run them out of town. I’ve taken physical abuse by men, and more… and the only reason I share all of that is to help explain the following:

In all of the above, I had to PUSH my strength outward. I had to intentionally and with grit put myself within the reach of evil, anger, even a fist to take care of myself (and my kids). Thus, when I heard, “don’t give up your Power,” I thought Power was referring to the driving force of survival, assertiveness to be recognized; the fight to stay in the “game” of life and living. The push.

I mentioned that I knew there was a lesson for me to learn from Virgo’s and Scorpio’s reappearance, I just didn’t know what it was. I think I have learned one of them, and it has to do with understanding my Power.

I’m not proud of the following, but I’ll share: during the first couple days of Virgo’s visit, he mentioned that I never got mad. I explained the only thing that sends me to the moon and back in 2 seconds flat is a bully – and then I got into the moment (of facing a bully) and used the F word quite often while getting heated up and feeling myself skyrocketing emotionally while talking about it.

Continued; August 8, 2014 at 6:40 PM
Gem50 said...: 2 of 2

Well, Virgo told me he didn’t like me using the F word. I took offense, and felt it my right to do so. Hell, I had fought my way to where I was today, and it was a part of who I was. I told him if he was looking to change me into a Princess, it wasn’t going to happen.

Virgo was not impressed, and I didn’t care. Unfortunately, I didn’t hear what he was really saying as a man.

When Scorpio contacted me again, he told me that he didn’t think I needed or wanted a permanent man because I was so independent and strong. This bugged me. Again, I thought, I F’n fought my way to where I am today and screw any man who isn’t strong enough to handle it.

I didn’t understand what Scorpio was saying as a man.

I’ve thought about this a lot and finally I understand this: Our Power as women is not about our outward push. I think our Power is our essence.

I’m not saying women should not fight for and stand up for what they believe in. Women should not stop becoming the best they can be, they should not stop being leaders, they should not stop putting their efforts into making their lives, their communities and the world a better place, etc. What I am saying is that all these other things are not our Power, they are in addition to it.

Our Power is: being a woman. Simple. And our Power enables us to receive our innermost desires for our lives.

Most of us are here because of our dealings with men. Men want women. Many men are so out of touch with their manliness (just as I have been out of touch with my womanliness) that they have no idea WHY they want women. They think it’s just to make them feel good for a few moments sexually; but really, men need and want women just as a ship needs a harbor. And that is our Power ladies.

We do not need to chase men. We do not need to try to make sure they know we exist. We do not need to rely on them to validate our existence. We do not need to manipulate them. We do not need to force our will on them. We do not need to fight with them.

We hold the secrets, the keys and the Power of life, just by being a woman. And life does not mean babies ladies... it means breath, it means growth, it means love, and it means a whole lot more.

Think about it for a while.

I experienced it last weekend. I’ll share it at a later time, but for now, I’d just like you to think about just being a woman – and enjoy that Power.

With love!; August 8, 2014 at 6:48 PM
Unknown said...: Hi MoA,

Thank you for a very interesting and insightful website, it has definately helped me in the ways of modern dating with technology.

I am 52 with a 60 year old partner, (I am a carer who is still married), we started our relationship 5 months ago after knowing each other for 8 months. Things have been going well until recently...I seem to be the one that is always texting first and he always responds very affectionately. If he wants something or wants to see me then he initiates the texts, and I am cool with this. However he has gone on holiday for 2 weeks to visit his daughter and grandchildren and although he told me his texts would be few I was surprised to not get any, on day 5 I texted him and got a lovely reply. But now its over a week and I don't know what to do.....should I check in with him again or just wait. He says he loves me and is going nowhere, we also have dates arranged in Sept so I know I am going to see him again. Am so confused.
Thank you for any help you can give.
AJ; August 10, 2014 at 3:30 PM
Spaced_out said...: Hey my name is "spaced_out"
I've used the no contact rule before and it worked,
But he has disappeared on me again, and this time it hurts the most. We have been together for 3 years, and he's been depressed lately because he was forced to go overseas, I blew up on him because I was being stubborn and not realizing that he was depressed & not responding to any of my text messages! So I basically did what every girl SHOULD'NT do, was POUR MY HEART OUT, saying I was sorry, and I will always love him no matter what! and if he didn't respond I'll leave him alone forever... and he didn't respond (awkward)... So I deleted all my social networks, Basically removing myself out of his life.. well making it seem like it! I wonder when will he get over his depression and just TEXT ME BACK yah know? He's usually a sweet heart and is always there for me, We are usually ALWAYS together but when he gets all depressing, when he's in Iraq, I don't know how to deal with it :( I feel like a bitch, and I regret blowing up on him! But I will indeed try the 30 days no contact... But what if he texts me? should I ignore him? what if that makes him more depressed?? Please answer soon... NEED HELP!; August 11, 2014 at 1:25 AM
Anonymous said...: This is a really great article and exactly what I needed, Thank you; August 11, 2014 at 10:45 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello,

I can across your site at my time of need. I have been dating a Libra male for close to 6 years. My family saw him out one night and I asked him who was he with and since then he has gone MIA for close to a month. Won't call, text. He started a new job and still has a part time on the side. His last text to me was that I was driving him crazy and stressing him out. He was stress out of the new job and still had his part time clients to take care of. All I wanted to know was who if he was faithful and wanted to clear the air and talk about it. 6 years is a long time, but honestly I am have started to resent him for his wishy washy libra ways.

What do you think?; August 11, 2014 at 11:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 6, 9:54 AM,
"I'm so worried about what he thinks of me"

Why dear? Your worth as a woman does NOT come from him. Your validation as a woman does NOT come from him. Your happiness in life does NOT come from him. So in the grand scheme of life dear, his opinion of you truthfully - doesn't matter one bit.

His opinion of you does NOT affect your destiny in life. It does NOT have any bearing on your future and it does NOT have an ounce of weight in this world - it's just one man's opinion in a HUGE sea of men. It's miniscule and irrelevant and has no real bearing on your existence at all.

The only time one person's opinion of you CAN have a bearing on all of that - is when YOU let it. Get what I'm saying here? The more you give his opinion thought, the more you breath life into it. The more you give his opinion thought, the more weight YOU give it. But in reality, it's simply one man's opinion on a planet of millions of people....it's a drop in the bucket dear....and your life will go on, regardless of what this man thinks of you, ya' know?

A woman once shared this here and I think this can help you tremendously. Watch this short video clip of a man giving a sermon titled "let them walk:"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pketb6gxR3w; August 11, 2014 at 11:28 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AJ (Ann),
Sounds to me like he's being very lazy about the relationship dear, and he's gotten used to kicking back and letting YOU be the one to move it along.

If you'd like to test him, then no, don't keep checking in with him. You shouldn't have to remind a man that you exist. If he truly cares, he'll become curious and HE will contact YOU. And if he doesn't do that and he's willing to let things slip, then why should you continue investing so much then ya' know?

Don't let men be lazy, particularly grown men. If you do that, they will lean back and rest on their laurels, becoming content with the situation and considering it an achievement. Problem is, something you're not investing in is NOT an achievement - you have to actually work at things to earn achievements. When they're simply handed to you and not earned and you're not working for them, they're not an achievement, so don't let him become content with this. Make him invest a little bit of himself and work for it as well.

But in order for him to be able to step forward and make that investment dear, you're going to have to step back a bit and provide the space and opportunity for him to actually do that. He can't do that if you're swooping in to do those things for him, ya' know? And if he doesn't step forward and start investing, then you need to seriously consider if being with a man that isn't investing a thing into the relationship himself would actually make you happy in the long run. Clearly - it isn't making you happy already, so you'd need to give it some serious thought as to whether or not this man can even make you happy, should that actually happen.

Either way dear, it's a personal choice, the decision is yours. But it appears this man is not making you happy so maybe that means it's time to do something. And when you do nothing with a man, you're actually DOING something. When you say nothing to a man, you're actually saying something. Know what I mean? You're testing him as a man and as a potential life mate - to see if he's willing to invest into the relationship and to see if he's willing to do his fair share to make you happy.; August 11, 2014 at 11:38 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Gemini and All,

Just a short and sweet one today but felt inspired by Gemini's post...

It's funny really obviously this is a DM post but there are many related themes, topics, issues etc. that come up and they always seem very timely...almost like we are connected...well we are ladies...you are never alone!

What jumped out at me was Gemini's mention of 'Power' and I believe that when you start connecting with yourself, your higher self and the universe then along with learning lessons your higher self and/or universe sends out little messages and signposts and they are there to help you take notice and guide you, show you are on the right track...listen and look...connect...

Funny, I've been getting really into this yoga dvd and it works through all the chakras - amazing! The lady on the dvd was talking how at the end in the relaxation 'Savasana' it was a time about receiving and integrating the work and it is a feminine energy, whereas the doing 'yoga' was the action part - the masculine it made me smile.

We women need to stop doing doing...have faith, allow yourself to connect and embrace your power it lies within the feminine, it is our gift, the men do need us and we don't need to chase... Embrace your femininity, radiate your power.. allow yourself to receive...

You are beautiful...have a good week; August 11, 2014 at 12:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

@ Gemini 50
I am glad to hear about your current state with Scorpio and that you are in control. I like it very much what you wrote about our feminine power. Coincidentally, recently I watched a youtube interview in which a spiritual teacher ( a mature woman) discussed with an interviewer ( a mature man) this very topic. She said feminine power had been suppressed for millennia and now we are living in a time when it is coming to a balance with masculine energy meaning women and men are becoming equal in real life, not just in theory, like human rights. The male interviewer pondered this for a while and then asked: Yes, but how will this manifest itself in our lives, what do these new women who realize their power expect of us men? Does it mean we are not supposed to open doors to them or bring them flowers anymore? She laughed and said something according to the lines of she doesn´t know and that men must work that out for themselves just like women had to go through all those bad experiences to work that out for themselves.

So all these experiences of ours seem to be part of the process of remodifying relationships between men and women and people in general. The problem is that most men are falling behind women in this process but hopefully, they will catch up soon. :-) E.g. the cyclist (who disappeared btw, I haven´t heard from him for over a month now but I am okay with it - on our last cycling meeting he again asked me to have sex with him although we weren´t in a relationship, not even close friends, and I refused so he must have got offended - I don´t care) didn´t like my power at all. He even once told me what his ideal woman was and unfortunately, this ideal of his was powerless, submissive, without her own opinions, caring about him to the extent that she didn´t have a life of her own, etc, etc... He told it to me at the very beginning and I didn´t pay much attention to his words as I thought he was exaggerating or even joking. But as time passed I understood he was serious. He was like from the Middle Ages in this respect.

Gemini 50 also mentioned her victorious interaction with bullying bosses. I must say I haven´t been able to deal with such bosses successfully. Our first (female) boss was much older than me, very strict. dominant and unjust. She bullied me, then once after I got really angry and told her off she became more respectful but I was disadvantaged in comparison with most other colleagues anyway. After she retired about 3 years ago we had a new boss, she is a little older than me and I am afraid she has finally chosen her victim (at first she had to orientate herself in a new environment I presume). The thing is that most of my colleagues are females who are much older and they flatter her or threaten her, some of them are her personal friends, so she is quite powerless with them. I am the type who works hard but I don´t go to her to talk behind my coleagues´backs, in fact, I try to avoid her because she isn´t intelligent and I am happy when I don´t see her. Any ideas how I should behave when she starts to be more unpleasant? She is very manipulative and when you say something to her she will turn it back to you and make you pay for it. Two colleagues have been dismissed while she´s been the boss for no apparent reason. On the surface she wants to show power because actually she feels powerless I presume.

In any case, I wish you all a nice rest of the day,
Hopeful; August 11, 2014 at 2:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Came across this over the weekend...

"When the past calls, let it go to voicemail, believe me, it has nothing new to say." ~ unknown; August 11, 2014 at 8:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Excellent words, both Gem and Anonymous Aug 11, 12:53 PM. Yes, we are all inter-connected, traveling our paths, learning our lessons, and being propelled through growth periods.

"allow yourself to connect and embrace your power, it lies within the feminine, it is our gift... Embrace your femininity, radiate your power.. allow yourself to receive"

When you do this, when you embrace your feminine energy, settle into it and accept it (relax and submit, rather than lead and control) you do indeed receive - because the energy you radiate is of a "positive" charge, it's charged with positive energy - and THAT is what creates the "receive" cycle...because people are instinctually drawn towards positive energy...and "like attracts like"...so you begin to draw other like-minded, positively charged individuals towards you - and this creates an endless loop - a "receiving" positive energy cycle ;-); August 12, 2014 at 12:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"Any ideas how I should behave when she starts to be more unpleasant?"

Do NOT engage her in battle. Meaning, do not let your emotions steer your conversations or interactions with her. Say very little, leave silences - and do NOT react. She's most likely expecting emotional reactions which then give her cause and reason to excuse the individual, most likely citing "unprofessional" behaviors and responses.

With a personality like that, less is more. Because the more you engage her in these interactions, the more ammo she takes from them to use against you - so don't give her any. Just say things like, "I understand" or "Okay, we'll work on that" etc. Even if you don't agree, THAT is NOT the time to state that. When she's shooting bullets, lay low, remain professional and be agreeable. If you don't, any little thing you do or any argument you make, even if valid, will be misconstrued as "uncooperative" by these personality types.

Timing is everything with these individuals. And the time to make your valid cases with them is NOT when THEIR emotions are riled up. In that emotional state, they will be "blocked" from seeing your message and their ego will be more concerned with simply being "right" and "winning" the "battle" - even if they're wrong. If you step up to them at that time, even with valid arguments, they will view you as an adversary, engage you in battle, and use all the weaponry at their disposal to "win" that battle - because their ego will drive them to ignore the facts and make the point of the interaction about winning the battle...and NOT solving the problem.

The time to make valid arguments with these personality types is at a time when an "example" situation arrives - meaning, at a time when a factual example you can show them pops up. NEVER make your argument at a time when you DON'T have the FACTS to back it up with these personality types.

People cannot argue with the FACTS - so when you make a valid argument with these types, it MUST be at a time when you have an example happening at that moment, and the facts, to back it up.

When their emotions are riled, their ego will step in and overtake logic and force them to view the interaction and your valid argument as "uncooperative" - you will be viewed as an uncooperative adversary, the ego will view the situation as a "battle" - and the point will become about winning the battle, while ignoring your valid argument.

Again, timing is everything with these personality types. And the time is right when the ego is not steering the wheel, when their emotions are level, and the FACTS are presented with professionalism.

"She is very manipulative and when you say something to her she will turn it back to you and make you pay for it."

That's probably because at this time when things are being said to her, her ego is stepping in - and as I stated above, when that happens with these personality types, it will become about "winning" and NOT about solving the problem. At these times, her ego will step in, force her to view the situation as a battle, view you as uncooperative and the point will become about winning at all costs.

Logic and valid arguments will be ignored, and manipulation, ego drive and "winning" will become the focus. These types will manipulate the arguments simply to "win" what they perceive a "battle" at that moment with an adversary (which will be YOU).

During these times, agree, even if you have a valid argument. Then, at a later date and time, when the situation arrives, present her with nothing but the FACTS - do NOT state YOUR opinion - and let HER decide. Chances are she'll make the right decision under those circumstances because again...it's very difficult to argue with FACTS.

The key is to simply present them when the ego is dormant, not when it is in control ;-); August 12, 2014 at 12:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 11, 11:01 AM,
If, after 6 years of dating, this man is not committed to you (My family saw him out one night and I asked him who was he with) or emotionally available to you to talk things through - he never will be.

Walk away and don't look back - unless you want a repeat of the same situation. Because again, if things have not moved forward or solidified in the span of 6 years - then they never will dear :-(; August 12, 2014 at 12:30 PM
Unknown said...: Thank you MoA....I stayed quiet, then got a text.....didn't answer, then got 4 more all telling me how much he loved me etc...I replied back the day after. He left it saying we would catch up after my weekend away (which is this weekend). So I haven't replied....all gone quiet again, so again I am determined to not text him and see what happens.
Its going to take all my self control not to see him though if he texts on Sun/Mon saying 'can we meet tomorrow' as I don't have anything planned and have missed him so much :) It's so hard as I know he see's a mobile as a means of communication to arrange or say something when necessary and not just to chat....so confusing.
Thank you so much for your help though, I appreciate it.
AJ; August 12, 2014 at 5:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

thank you for your advice. The problem is that I am quite emotional and I can´t stand manipulative, dishonest people. And I just can´t digest that she is misusing her position to derive power from bullying people. If she was competent, I would probably accept it more easily but she can´t do her job and yet (or because of that) she is bullying people. Well, I will have to work on my self-control and stick to facts as you wrote. And you judged her very well. When she became boss she once wanted something work related from me and when we we left alone for a moment she started explaining to me that she is a fighter, that she never gives up... It was very strange. At that time she didn´t even know me (or perhaps some "nice" colleagues had provided her with some desinformation about me, I don´t know). Well, life is tough. I am ashamed to say that I miss my cyclist. I go cycling alone now but I miss our conversations. Sigh...

Thank you again and have a nice day (-:,
Hopeful; August 12, 2014 at 5:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,
this is Hopeful again. I have reread your advice a few times as usual and I must say that you hit the nail on the head for me - but it has dawned on me only now! I´ve realized that I usually express my opinions and my colleagues never do that. Some of them even prompt or provoke me to express my opinions in the boss´s presence and sometimes I succumb to their pressure. and as you wrote then she sees me as her rival. Absolutely! I have never realised it before. Thank you again and a big smile to you :-)); August 13, 2014 at 3:47 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Hopeful, I responded to your message a couple nights ago, but I think I hit delete instead of send or something. :)

That message was long, I'll try to keep this short. Somewhere I learned about the "child" and "adult," behavioral thing. When I was about 26, I worked for one heck of a bully-boss (female). I recalled the theory of staying in your "adult" and applied it with her 100% of the time.

It worked. Whenever she asked me a question, I always took a breath first, reminded myself that I, and we, were BOTH adults, looked her in the eye, and held my own. When she pushed, I answered her questions. If I didn't know an answer, I told her so and told her I would get it for her -- which I did.

She NEVER came after me like she did others. A bully looks for weakness; they can smell it. They can also identify a strong person. I believe a person is a bully because of their own issues; they usually are not all that smart -- if they were they wouldn't need to bully; and they often have a low image of themselves, thus they have to make others feel bad for them to feel good.

I have been successful at work because I have carried that "adult" mind-set throughout my career. I've had to stand up to a couple more bullies in my career (all males). When I have, I have kept my "child" tucked away safe, while the "adult" handled it. Once you learn to do this comfortably, no one will be able to bully you. You'll just smile and walk away (either figuritively or psychologically -- they won't be able to get to you.)

I hope this is of help. (hugs); August 14, 2014 at 9:53 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror..you are amazing!! I can't tell you how much comfort and support I get out of reading your advice..thank you so much for sharing it here!!

So here's my situation. I've gotten involved with a family friend..so to speak...he asked me out repeatedly over a year or so and I would accept but push the dates out a week, not return a call etc. One night I finally relented and we got together. After that night, we spent about six months doing the disappear, reappearing act, but I wasn't all that into him so it wasn't a big deal for me.

Now, I am caught up. About 2 months ago, we were out drinking and he said that he thought we should be together. To which I responded that we have barely seen each other over the past 6 months and how does he even know he wants that. He said that he didn't want me talking to other guys, to which I asked, does that mean you will do the same?? He said he wasn't talking to anyone..which I don't necessarily believe. As the night wore on, following this conversation, he became very silent and basically ignored me, flirted with another girl, disappeared with his friend for awhile. Due to the drinking, this inspired me to basically lay into him and highlight all of his, what I perceived to be, shortcomings and historical antics with past women in his life. I was pretty blunt and basically insulting. I would never have said these things in a sober state.

We did end up spending the night together and he seemed to be over it. Following this, I started to feel guilty for the things I said and tried to mistakenly show him that I was in fact interested by texting, suggesting we get together, etc. We have been together twice since then and while we are together it's fine, but once the evening is over, I don't hear from him.

I finally asked him after the last time we saw each other if he meant what he said that night, that he thought we should be together. He said that he would like that and that we should see where things go, to which I replied ok. This was three weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since.

My question is, did I completely blow this by my actions that night? I haven't contacted him or done anything since I asked that question, but was that a total mistake and is there any way to turn this around?; August 14, 2014 at 3:06 PM
LadyHugs said...: Dear Mirror and all the Ladies here,

I myself have had a long and tiring ordeal with a DM... and looking back over a period of nearly 1.5 years, and all the wasted energy, tears and struggles, I can only say one thing. IF HE WALKS, be strong enough to LET HIM, because anything else will only cause you more tears and wasted time and effort. There are so many decent men out there that will not disrespect a women in that way, even when it means swallowing their pride and having an uncomfortable confrontation. Which usually never ends up quite as bad as they imagined it would. This, I was told by a very dear MALE friend of mine.

What was the most difficult for me after being disappeared on, was trying to get my thoughts off of it! It can so very easily become an obsessive debilitating force that sweeps over your every day. Pondering over the situation, day in and day out like a broken record stuck on the same destructive beat. I would like to offer some advice on letting go of the thinking part of it, because if this is stopped early it will save you a lot of pain in the long run, this finally helped me after a very long struggle and it correlates well with what Mirror says.

What you constantly think becomes your reality in a sense so be mindful of what you feed into it, here is an interesting article on that...http://www.omharmonics.com/blog/how-to-stop-obsessive-thoughts-for-good/

Also try to avoid anything that will trigger thoughts of him... And like Mirror often says get busy living your life, spend it with positive uplifting people, do nice things for yourself that will kick your confidence right back up, when you are ready, start dating again, and yes if you are a bit like me you'll realise that you may have made a number of mistakes in your dealings with the man, but you know what, it IS ok, we have all been there, so don't wallow on it long, rather accept it, learn from it, because it has now made you even more aware and amazing for the next partner that WILL come into your life, become a positive force that shines for all the world to see, as again like mirror says this will attract a world of new wonderful beautiful people into your life :)

Another BIG thing is, and this was truly my downfall... Not only is no contact crucial but staying away from Social Media is all the more CRUCIAL! It is so very easy to fall in a routine of 'just having a quick look' to see something about him and his life or to try and get answers, and this is EXTREMELY destructive! As said before, what you constantly feed your thoughts is what it will constantly think about and it will multiply and ultimately get you more and more stuck on it and constantly put you right back at square one. Try taking a break from social media completely for two months, I bet you have the numbers of all your close friends to keep in contact with. Because after that time you won't even be interested in having a quick peak at his profiles because you will not want to go back to square one emotionally.

Hope this helps someone out there, as I would hate to see anyone else go through the pain longer than they have to.

Dear Mirror, thank you so much for your articles and everything else here on this site, you have no idea how much it has helped me!

Love and care
LadyHugs; August 15, 2014 at 6:36 AM
Anonymous said...: I have read alot of extremely insightful information on this site and I guess i have played it all wrong for many years. Current situation, met a many many years ago, he meet, get on, make arrangements for again, he says he enjoys company etc and then disappears. In the last year it has been more regular but he still disappears and ignores text/emails. Recently he came to see my new home and have dinner, it was a lovely evening, however since this night he was hardly been in communication, apart from odd text to say he is busy but still wants to see me. I am a sensible, professional woman and have made a nice life for myself but I completely let myself down when it comes to relationships and must appear needy/insecure which I am not. I have text him, admittedly only once or twice since last contact - but based on your theory of even texting once meaning I have blown it - is that still the case? I have not text for 3 days (I know in print that sound ridiculously short but you known it is hard to establish no contact), so am I back in that no contact for 30 days territory or until he contacts me. God it is a minefield if men really think like this - relationships should be based on if you like each other have chemistry and go from there. When did it get so hard!; August 15, 2014 at 8:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 14, 3:06 PM,
"My question is, did I completely blow this by my actions that night?"

Only time will tell the end result dear, there's no way to predict that.

"I haven't contacted him or done anything since I asked that question, but was that a total mistake and is there any way to turn this around?"

You can read the section in the article titled, "What to Do When Your Man Disappears." There are no guarantees in life, so it's not a guarantee that will work, however, it will help you to maintain a feeling of dignity and keep yourself balanced.

But one thing I will mention dear...when a man's WORDS do NOT align with his ACTIONS - it's a big red flag that he's BS'ing you :-( "He said that he would like that...we should see where things go...and I haven't heard from him since."

Men who speak the truth when they make those types of statements do NOT disappear after making them dear. Even your gut is rumbling about this man's honesty, "I asked, does that mean you will do the same...He said he wasn't talking to anyone..which I don't necessarily believe."

This guy is acting shady and his words are not lining up with his actions. I'd be less concerned about whether or not I blew it with him and more concerned about rethinking whether or not this is even the kind of man I want in my life :-(; August 15, 2014 at 9:20 AM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini 50

Thank you for your response. I´ll copy it and stick next to Mirror´s advice. I have never looked at it from the perspective of "child versus adult" and you are right because when the boss tries to put me down I do sometimes feel like a helpless child and my mind gets stuck and I stop thinking. Next time when she tries to debilitate me I´ll remember your words (hopefully) and act accordingly. The worst is that she does it in front of the other colleagues who I feel support her not me (although she is unfair). Anyway, I am glad that you have been able to deal with people like this because it isn´t easy. Good for you. :-)
Hopeful; August 15, 2014 at 11:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
Aligning with Gem's words of advice, think of it like this:

Child = Emotional and Erratic
Adult = Composed and Logical

That's the "energy" of the two.

Remaining in the "adult" will mean that your responses and behaviors are more in line with "composed and logical."

Reverting to the "child" will mean that your responses and behaviors are more "emotional and erratic."

And basically, the information I gave you the other day aligns with Gem's adult/child "logical and composed" versus "emotional and erratic" - because you want to communicate and interact with an authority at work with the personality type you're dealing with when SHE is adult (composed and logical) as well as yourself.

If you two interact when she and you are both child (emotional and erratic) that's when her ego will force her to view you as an adversary and it will force her to engage in battle with you.

I hope that makes sense. I have a tendency to look at things along the lines of the "energy" taking place at the time...so that may be confusing to some. But you'll find in life that when "energies" are aligned...things are generally successful. When they're not, things are generally dysfunctional ;-)

So playing off of the great advice Gem shared, you can also look at it as adult versus child = logical and composed versus emotional and erratic - if that helps at all.; August 15, 2014 at 12:38 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror, Perfect explanation regarding Adult-logical; Child-emotional.

Hopeful, the reason I have been able to do this is because I needed to work to support my children and that was my focus (period). It was a way to a means. And still now, work is just a job for me. It is not who I am, it is what I do to pay the bills. (logic).

Don't get me wrong, I care tremendously about the success of the people I work with/for (some I care for as friends), but logic is the force behind my expectations of me and them to work to the best of our abilities to get results and support the success of the company and our employees.

Because this is not MY company, I appreciate the job and work hard for the paycheck, but then I go home to my real life -- that we all see I am still learning to navigate and trying to live happily (emotional). :)

Regarding your boss demeaning you or anyone in front of others: try this. When she does it, look right at her. Don't say a word. Don't look at others, and don't put your eyes down when she looks at you. Just look at her. No expression. If you have to respond, take a breath first, and answer her as if you were answering a question about your bike. I am sure you know your bike inside and out; you probably know names of seats, wheels, the gear thingies, etc. And I bet you are good at taking care of everything to make sure it's in good working order for you. (Adult - logical)

So if this weak woman comes after you, imagine your bike to the side of you, take a deep breath, and answer her question logically. Do not look at others around you. When she asks you something, it's just you and her. Two adults (even if she is acting like a child, YOUR expectation is that she behaves as an adult, so that is how you treat her).

And when the interaction is done, acknowledge her as if you were looking at your bike. (hmm, good job I did fixing that seat.) And then you walk away if you can -- go to the bathroom, make any excuse that is work appropriate to move on. Do not talk to others about it -- they are going to want to talk with you -- to stir the pot. But you don't.

By doing this, you separate yourself from the pack, and people begin to wonder what you have internally that empowers you to act this way. The weak will try to get you to behave as they do, to gossip, complain, etc., but don't do it. Be respectful to them, but don't participate. They might speak poorly of you, turn on you, but who cares. They aren't paying your bills.

You'll find that you will merge and grow and eventually move up or on with like-minded coworkers, while the others are left behind (I've seen it over and over again.) :)

And I just recalled Ms. Mirror's phrase: "Sometimes saying nothing is something." It applies to bully-bosses, clicks at work, just as much as disappearing men (which I'll try to write about this weekend -- I think my sista's will be happy to know I THINK it's all done w/Scorpio). I can hear your cheers now! ;)

((hugs)); August 15, 2014 at 3:57 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror, Gemini,

yes, I am going to put your advice into practice. I will remember the key words-concepts U N E M O T I O N A L / L O G I C A L - A D U L T / N E U T R A L W A Y - F A C T S and put them down in my work diary as well. I hope when a dangarous situation arises, I won´t panic but remember them. My weakness is that I am quite emotional and she usually tries to catch people by surprise. E.g. she greets you, talks to you in a neutral way and leaves the room. As soon as you feel relief that she´s gone and start to focus on your things, she unexpectedly returns and blames you for some non-existing mistakes. I have noticed that some other colleagues are victims of this behaviour too, so fortunately, I am not the only one. Gemini, as for looking into her eyes, I am afraid I won´t manage to do it properly because she is big and I am small so when she is standing up facing me you can imagine the picture lol.

Yes, life is not too easy. There are always some problems, challenges, obstacles... And whenever you seem to have overcome one, a new one arises...

Thank you both again for your kind support :-),
Hopeful; August 16, 2014 at 2:15 PM
Anonymous said...: I love your blog Mirror! It has helped me greatly. It's been about 10 days since the Taurus man I was dating for a month disappeared. (I am a Taurus as well).
We met online. Both mid 40's, divorced. He came at me guns blazing. I was not attracted to him at all at first. Once he got under my skin...he backed off. He told me he is sexually submissive and prefers a woman to make all the moves. Also because he's been rejected in the past. I told him that was BS and relationships require both parties to take risks. He did start to step it up. He was courting me and I liked it. But I'm sure he was meeting other women from the dating site as well. On our last date, he invited me out to have dinner with him and his best friend and bf's girlfriend. We all had a great night. It was the first night that I let him sleep over. No sex ( a little something but not THE DEED). He left the next morning, never to be seen again.
I sent one text about 5 days into his disappearing act. He said that he was super busy and had been thinking of me and can he call me over the weekend. I knew all this was BS and of course he never called. I'm not dying or anything over this. But I thought at our age that the games would be less. I guess I was wrong. I have not had any further contact of course. Your site and this thread have been great as far as helping me smile through feeling a bit burned.; August 20, 2014 at 8:25 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror @Anonymous Aug 20,1:46 PM,

Thank you for your reply on the subject of long-distance relationships:

'There are too many variables that come into play to answer that firmly. It all depends on the individuals involved, their maturity levels, their willingness to make sacrifices, their careers and income to support that lifestyle...too many things are at play to really answer that.

I think whens something has potential, BOTH parties begin to invest in it. If one party stops investing and removes themselves from the equation, then it's probably time to move on. Because it takes two'.

It all makes perfect sense when reading this but when applying to my personal situation I just feel confused and I don't know if I've been naive and acted like a fool to be holding a hope that this man would want a long-distance relationship. It's is a good 2.5-3 hrs drive, so not that far enough but definitely some men they just think it would be easier to have someone who is near...

When I was on the on-line dating site I used to get men from the same area/distance e-mail me and say they liked me and it's a shame it was so far and they had a clear boundary that's not what they would want in a relationship - the distance factor. So why is he any different?? Was I fool to think he would consider it? He was willing to come to me and does travel/drive a bit sporadically. I did say that I would visit him to at some point but wanted him to come to me initially. Money is not an issue for him, I think practicalities maybe but he has continued over a long period of time to come in and out of my life without stating that there is an issue with long-distance but clearly something is holding him back hence the pulling back disappearances...; August 21, 2014 at 1:23 PM
Anonymous said...: CONT

So it makes me wonder about this guy that whether he has been taking me for a fool and while I acknowledge that the distance is an legitimate issue concern, if it is fundamental in what is keeping him from me then I feel a possible deception and pains me that when I thought I was having genuine interactions with him and he was considering dating it turns my stomach to think that there is a possiblity that he was leading me up the garden path, keeping me on hold and had decided that a long distance was a no-go...

Of course there's is a possibility that yes it is a practical issue and my be behind his pulling away and not about deception...

He is a practical person and maybe more in tune with that and the trouble is he's probably not had chance to develop any feelings for me as we've not seen each other enough, so there is no investment here, it is not at that stage, so it's not like he's stopped investing because we were not up to that stage anyway. I feel though that he doesn't want to let me go either but I have not helped things recently by being the first to contact him on a couple of occasions, whereas after any disappearances before he would always be the one to return to me, so because of this I don't know where I stand now. However, we both know there is definitely potential there you just can't deny it but I feel it is such a waste to deny yourself the experience would be to close off a path that could lead to great happiness. It makes me feel incredibly sad Ms. Mirror my gut is telling me he/it is right and so I feel denied of sharing some happiness with him and it makes me sad but he has to come to those conclusions himself.

I also feel he has been hurt badly before in the past and this maybe coming into the mix but to resist/reject something just because you've been hurt before is a shame also...

Can you help Ms Mirror?? I feel a bit trapped and in limbo land despite trying to move on and keep busy in my own life, I can't seem to shake him off but it concerns me now and I feel torn between that I've may have been hanging on to false hope and he may have no intention whatsoever in dating me properly due to distance and or other reasons to that he might have been genuinely considering it. As if the former were true it is so much easier to get over someone once you know their true colours...

Pls could you advise Ms. Mirror - thank you!; August 21, 2014 at 1:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 20,1:46 PM,
"So why is he any different?"

People are all different dear. He may have thought this would work for him and once he tried it, decided differently. But no one knows the real reason except him.

"Can you help Ms Mirror?"

I don't have a magic pill I can give you dear, that will make all of this go away. The best I can do is suggest that you read this in the hopes that it helps:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; August 21, 2014 at 5:45 PM
chk61 said...: Ladies, and Ms. Mirror:

Yes, they do sometimes reappear when you leave them alone.

In a prior post I may have mentioned I decided to "befriend" my D.M. Earlier this year we got together over drinks/dinner a couple of times, he helped me (a LOT!) with a personal project that he had expertise in, and yeah, we had a "make out" session (no sex). Again, he did not pursue things further with me in that realm. I dusted myself off, I thanked him for the help with the project and I promptly disappeared. Truthfully, I think about this D.M. a lot, I have been dating here and there (online) but met no one I wanted to take things further with. My last contact (via email) with the D.M. was six weeks ago.

Guess who just send me a friendly email? Asking me how my summer has been going? Yup.

So how long should I wait to respond? ;-); August 22, 2014 at 11:38 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror, I'm sure if you did have a magic pill you would be a very rich lady indeed!

You're right who knows, other than him, although I don't think its a case really that he tried it and decided differently as he didn't try it for enough times to even get an opinion. The issue is more the fact of whether this is the issue or not because if it is then he has been deceiving me and leading me up the garden path...guess I won't know that either... All the males I've spoken to about it have said who'd want a long-distance relationship?...however I know of a couple who met on holiday and eventually the other relocated so it does happen...again that's a different scenario...

Thanks for the article link, I will read it again.; August 22, 2014 at 12:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
Amazing how some silent time can change a man's perspective LOL ;-)

However, I wouldn't get my hopes up with this one dear. I fear he's a "serial dater." A man that claims he wants to settle down to every girl he meets, but doesn't do so with any of them :-(

As far as response time, I think we all know that if you "jump" on this one...he'll fade away as he's done in the past when you've been very attentive. So try a different approach. The timing itself can be up to you, but either way, time is necessary I think.

Because it'll do two things. It'll:

1) Make him see that he doesn't have the hold on you he once did, thereby meaning he can no longer take your attentions for granted.

2) Help you pace yourself so that you have time to think about the moves you're making before you actually make them.

And I will warn you. If you respond and you don't get a response back from him right away or at all - do NOT beat yourself up over this. You need to understand that this man is running "game" ya' know? He's most likely a serial dater that's seasoned and well versed in how to make women squirm, so that THEY come to HIM and HE has the upper hand and calls the shots. So prepare for that, expect that - do don't blame yourself if it happens. It's in his nature and it's probably who he is. And no amount of kindness or immediate attention would change that at all, so just know that going into it.

And when it happens, don't let yourself get caught up in a knee-jerk reaction of touching base repeatedly with him to get him to respond. If you do that, he'll deem you weak and desperate, and he'll either take advantage of that or toy with it.

So when you respond dear, this is what you keep reminding yourself of...."this is nothing, nothing but a friendly hello. It means nothing, it will lead to nothing and it will not affect me if he does or does not respond, because it's just a simple hello - and I will not read more into it than that."

If you look at it that way dear, the sense of "urgency" that creates the heightened anxiety suddenly dissipates. And once the anxiety and urgency are out of the picture....you get to shine brightly as your true and authentic self, because anxiety and worry are not taking over and taking control of your actions ;-); August 22, 2014 at 1:21 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks for your thoughts, Mirror.

It is possible he is a serial dater. He was married, and had two girlfriends after his divorce. I also noticed he took down his dating profile(s) recently....(yeah, I looked). I think, based on things he has said to me, that he wants a girlfriend but that he is wounded from his failed relationships. He has two children.

In the past when I've emailed him, he replies right away or within a day. That doesn't mean I am going to do the same...your #1 and #2 are good food for thought.

I'm not reading into this meaning anything. Perhaps my absence piqued his curiosity, maybe he has a new girlfriend and is reaching out to make sure I still like him (as happened before with another guy I dated), perhaps he is just being friendly and wants to keep me as a "friend". Or maybe he's lonely and he knows (at least in the past) that I really liked him.

Who knows?

I will sit on this one for a while... ;-); August 22, 2014 at 1:41 PM
Anonymous said...: @ chk61

Please listen to Mirror´s advice, she is right as usual. I am a diligent student here but I have also learned a lesson from my own experience with the cyclist. Use your advantage now and don´t lose your power. I would definitely let him stew.... LOL

A nice day to Mirror and all the ladies.
Hopeful; August 22, 2014 at 1:57 PM
Grey said...: I just ran across your blog and I'm not sure if my post will reach you but I have a question. I've been married unhappily for 33 years and have been faithful. I have a house back in my hometown out of state, that I visit every year WithOut my husband. For the past 15 years a friend whom is also married and lives 2 doors down from this house in my hometown, has visited me and helped me out with different situations of construetc. of what ever I needed and through out these 15 years he has made advances to me without success. I have never given him encouragement and have at times met these advances with almost disgust. I remained friends with him until this past vist to the hometown. I found myself praying daily while I was there, basically asking God to help me, because of how lonely I was. I prayed for God to send me someone I could love. I guess you know what happened next ... Shortly after this prayer my friend arrived at my door and as I was sitting there talking to him and he making an advance toward me through a verbal kidding around and me of course basically ignoring it and making light of it, I saw him through another pair of eyes and not my own. I fell compassionately in love with him and something came over me. I really thought God had sent my friend to me and that I had over looked this friend all these 15 years. I thought this over in my mind for a couple of days and the day I was to leave, I flagged my friend down as he was going to work and gave him a note saying that when I returned I was his. The note said, not to say anything to anyone about us, that this was between me, him and God. We had an intimate courtship through texting those following months while I was away. When I returned, the relationship lasted a short time after and I found myself falling in love with him. They more I showed my affection and let it be known the more he pulled away. I did not want to hide my affection because I wanted to be true to thine own self, even if he couldn't handle it. After several trips back and forth with me feeling that he was pulling away, I verbally asked if our relationship was over and he blurted out yes. I left town and a couple of months I received a text with no name and it said, New phone # 000-000-0000. I typed, Who is this? He responded with his name. I was so shocked because I had prayed for two days prior for God just to send me some sort of sign that he even thinks about me. So I typed back, How r u? He types back All good quit my job three weeks ago. I responded with a few lines and basically did not type any more. A month later I wished him Happy Birthday and he responded Thankyou. I returned to my hometown a month after that. I was going to an event, dressed up and walked outside of my house to my rental car, to get my phone. I quickly glanced towards his house and saw him walking near around his truck to leave. I know he had to have seen me but I pretended that I did not notice him and went back into the house. He drove off and did not text me. I left early the next morning. I know you cannot know what is in his heart, but do you think I am crazy to wonder why he would mess with my brain for 15 years and then treat me this way? Do you think if he ever contacts me that a 30 day break would work on him? Obviously a 15 year refusal did not dissuade him...................................................................................
I POSTED THE ABOVE, YESTERDAY ON ANOTHER THREAD: I did not recieve a response from you so I thought I would post it here. As I was posting this to the thread, my friend just texted me. I can not believe it. I have prayed to God all day that he would just give me one more opportunity to receive a text from this heart breaker so I could have the luxury of just sitting back and not feeling compelled to respond. That empowerment was solely encouraged from your advice given in your response to so many ladies here on this thread. Thank you......Now I'm looking down at a text which I need your HELP! 30 day NC, 3 months...a year???? How long? NC; August 22, 2014 at 10:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Grey,
I saw your thread dear, and I didn't respond because...I don't think cheating (emotional, physical or otherwise) is really the answer for anyone. As a result, I don't make suggestions on the matter. And the only one I really do make dear...is for the unhappy individual to not focus on another, and instead, focus on themselves. Because let's face it. In the big picture, it's not really about this other man...it's about you - being unhappy, ya' know? The other individual in these situations is usually just a bandaid that temporarily provides happiness.

Your happiness needs to come from within dear, and not from another individual, a man. If your current situation makes you unhappy and has for many years, the answer is not to seek temporary, fleeting moments of happiness outside of the marriage. The answer is to end the marriage if it's beyond the point of repair, so that you can be released and go find your happiness - find yourself again, feel alive again, fill yourself up again.

When we feel empty, it's human nature to automatically think that we can fill ourselves up, fill that void, with another individual. But instead of providing long term happiness, that only creates further complications and further unhappiness generally speaking.

The key to finding your happiness does not lie with this man dear. As you can see, he's already ADDING to your unhappiness. He's creating further complexity, he's creating further negativity, and he's creating further confusion. You can't find happiness from "without" (from lack). You have to find it from "within" dear (inside yourself). Because when it comes from a place of lack, it never really stays. It's temporary and fleeting as the people who provide it for you (fill you up) come in and out of your life. As a result, you then need a constant stream of people coming in and out of your life to provide you a constant stream of happiness (because the reality is that most people, other than family, don't stick around forever unfortunately, particularly in these complex situations). This sends the individual seeking happiness from "without", from lack, on an endless crusade...constantly chasing that ever elusive golden butterfly (that doesn't really exist).

The only thing you can ever truly count on dear, that's ever truly a guarantee - is YOURSELF. YOU are the only one you'll ever be able to truly count on. YOU are the only one that can guarantee yourself anything. YOU are the only one that can provide your happiness. So be good to yourself, love yourself, be kind to yourself, appreciate yourself and who you are and what you've been through, and be strong. Use that strength to review your marriage. Decide if it's salvageable to you. If it is, focus your energy on mending it. If you decide it's not salvageable, then focus your energy on removing yourself from it.

The only two things you can focus on right now that WILL bring you happiness eventually are your marriage and YOURSELF. Not this other man. He's already been around for 15 years. He hasn't made any grandious impact and he's not going to. He simply provides the illusion of happiness cloaked in his fleeting affections and attentions that are granted from time to time - and that's not true happiness dear. So move away from that and focus on what WILL make a grandious impact - YOURSELF.

Cont...; August 23, 2014 at 8:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: If you get yourself into a place in life where you are happy, be it released from a 33 year unhappy marriage to be free and experience yourself once again, or to discover the affections of your husband again...either way dear, that's an investment worth making because it's an investment in yourself and your happiness. If your husband doesn't make you happy, then you leave him. If your life doesn't make you happy, then you walk away from it. It's NEVER to late to start over dear. A year from now, your life could be completely different - if YOU choose for it to be.

You have control over your life. You have control over this marriage. You may feel helpless and trapped, but you're not. Forget about obligations and traditions or whatever holds you there. Those aren't making you happy and you're not winning any booby prizes for putting yourself out to uphold them. And after 33 years, I imagine any children you may possibly have are also grown - and living their own lives, their own happiness. You've made sacrifices for others for years now it sounds...so guess what?

Now it's time for YOU to sacrifice for YOURSELF. Now it's time for YOU to be selfish. Now it's time for YOU to live YOUR life in whatever form makes YOU happy. We all only have a short time on this earth dear. And living our lives to make others happy or to fulfill obligtions or uphold traditions...in the end, none of that is going to matter dear. There's no big prize waiting.

Live for today dear. Forget about this other man, focus on what it is that will make you happy, give it lots of long, hard thought...and then go get whatever it is that will do that for you - be it freedom and a new beginning, or continued marital bonds and a fresh start.

Either way dear - live your life for yourself, not for others :-); August 23, 2014 at 8:34 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks Hopeful:

Well, I haven't written back. I've been thinking about it, in fact, just woke up thinking about it.

I told a couple of single women girlfriends about it. One said: "Lose his number, block him and let it go. This will just continue if you respond. This means nothing. I'm sorry". The other said: "I'm happy for you that he contacted you but he waited 6 weeks to get back in touch, so try to wait and even wait 6 weeks to respond if you can. A man interested in a serious relationship doesn't let 6 weeks go by."

Both give good advice!

His contact came at kind of a funny sensitive time for me. I've been fighting thoughts of feeling very alone, powerless and rudderless, in a social sense. Lately I've been experiencing a feeling of exclusion in my longstanding social group, most of whom tend to be in couples. I tend to be very sensitive to stuff like this, throughout my life, and I worry *way* too much. I think I am a kind compassionate person but when I feel like women friends aren't "into" me or are excluding me, I tend to back off....and not chase. I'm leaving out a lot of details. I am not sure if the disappearing act works with women friends like it does with male romantic prospects.

So his contacting me has buoyed me as I'm feeling a bit raw about how I am fitting in right now and where my life is headed.

I know this is all how I view and perceive things. My history is that I ruminate and worry. I am working on it and I know if I just change my thoughts, I can turn my mindset around. One day at a time. Replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts.

So right now, it's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, I have much to look forward to, good friends, a loving supportive family, and this is all stuff I am making up in my head. All is well, and all will continue to be well. :-); August 23, 2014 at 8:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
As I began to read your latest comment dear...in my head, I was thinking EXACTLY what you wrote as part of your conclusion, "I know this is all how I view and perceive things."

I get the impression that some part of you feels you need a relationship to be happy. And while relationships are nice and do provide comfort and add to your happiness, they are NOT the end all, be all, of your happiness. If you don't have one, the universe isn't going to strike you with lightening as punishment. If you don't have one, your life still continues - and you need to figure out how to find it fulfilling, instead of looking at it as empty and missing something. Because either way it's still going to be there - with or without a man.

And I don't often say this because most female friends, while they truly do mean well, are usually attempting to convince their girlfriends that acting like you're off your rocker and chasing a man down, hounding him, sending him lovey-dovey texts, blowing up his phone and giving the impression that desperation is destroying you mentally...somehow feel that's the way to win a man over LOL, and that's generally the advice many provide.

So for once, I get to say - you DO have some level headed girlfriends dear. And they're right. Particularly this portion, "This will just continue if you respond."

Have you ever thought about this dear - let's take a look at this concept for a moment. Have you ever thought about the fact that the reason you can't get over this man...is because YOU won't LET HIM GO?

Have you ever considered that it is YOU keeping yourself in these bonds? And that even when you do attempt to move on and date other men, YOU are not fully present in those relationships...because YOU are still partially present emotionally with your DM.

It could be a case of YOU building your own walls dear. Holding onto this DM in your thoughts and your mind and your heart daily - is building a wall in front of you that others cannot pass through. YOU are the gatekeeper and you're not letting anyone in because...the space within your mind, heart and thoughts...is already occupied with your DM.

It may now even be isolating yourself from your social circle as well. Because by holding onto him so very tightly in mind, body and spirit...you've now somehow managed to convince yourself that because you're singular in a social circle of couples - you don't fit in and aren't welcome. When the reality could be that maybe, just maybe, they're not excluding you - you're excluding yourself.

Maybe they sense your uncomfortableness and as a result, have ceased invitations so as to not make you even more uncomfortable. Maybe your attitude and personality has changed to the point of negativity or depression and they sense it, so they steer clear of invitations that they know you'll only refuse because you don't feel worthy to be out with couples when you're singular. Maybe all of your conversations with them end up being about DM, and because they feel helpless to provide you comfort or advice that you'll take, they've ceased invitations.

I'm not blaming you, that's not what this is about. But I AM trying to compel you to take a look at this DM situation - and determine just how far you've possibly let it affect your life.

Cont...; August 23, 2014 at 9:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Because here's the thing dear. Believing that one man or any other individual will be the key to your happiness...is a sign of insecurity. It's a sign of low self-esteem and low feelings of self-worth...and his rejection is triggering that within you big time. He's triggering those "unworthy" feelings, and by doing so, he's etching himself into your entire being as someone you need to prove your worth too. You don't feel good about yourself unless he acknowledges you as worthy to speak to, see, contact, etc. And when he withholds that, it may be as if you feel unworthy to be happy, so you wall yourself off from other men emotionally and spiritually and also possibly with friends as well now. Other men can't spark your flame dear, when DM is in your head stomping it out as you're sitting across the table from them, ya' know?

Release him dear - and your world will light up again.

YOU are worthy of love. You love yourself. You have many around you that love you as well. You have a full life, a satisfying career, a loving supportive network of friends and family - you have all you need dear. You have all that truly does matter. And the reality is that you don't need DM.

Why not do a cleansing exercise? One that's symbolic - and includes fire LOL. Why not write down all of the negative thoughts and feelings that DM has brought into your life. Then write down all of the negative things about DM, and write down his last communication to you. Get a large mixing bowl, set that piece of paper on fire in the bowl - and cleanse through fire spiritually. Release all of that negativity that he's brought into your life...and let it go dear, once and for all. And let him go. Make a pact with yourself that YOU are going to take CONTROL and END this once and for all - YOU are no longer going to breath life into this and YOU are ending it.

It's a symbolic exercise that helps many, and maybe it can help empower you too. It sends all of that negativity out of your life, and replaces it with positive energy :-); August 23, 2014 at 9:26 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Aphrodite! I have read your articles and couldn’t help but post my situation even though it is very similar to the 19704 previous posts!
I started talking to a guy online at the beginning of July this year and we went on our first around mid July. Our first date was 9 hours long, it turned from lunch to dinner… however for me, there was no spark. I thought he was nice, but I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him. He didn’t text me until 3 days after the first date, basically to tell me he had a really great time. My first impression of this was, wow… this guy plays by the dating rules! Waiting 3 days? I replied and since then we have communicated via text and the occasional call almost every day.
I am a Libra, Aries Asc, Gemini Moon, Libra Merc, Sag Venus, Leo Mars. He is also a Libra, Scorp/Sag? Moon, Scorp Merc, Virgo Venus, Sag Mars. We have Moon/Venus, Moon/Mars, Saturn/Moon and Sun/Pluto both ways.
Our second date was on a Thursday night. This was weeks after the first date, only because I was unavailable… not on purpose. 1. I was unsure if I like him and 2. I have a life. I wasn’t looking forward to this date and almost flaked. Once I was there, I remembered why our 1st date lasted so long. He was easy to talk to, and he seemed genuinely interested in me.
He always pays for the meals, being a Libra myself, I need to balance this out so I would pay for the drinks while he paid for dinner… but for the most part, he pays.
After the 2nd date, he texted me that same night to say he had a good time.
He is always very chatty in text, he sends me WALLS of texts and photos of things he has seen etc. If he is fishing with his friends, he will text me a photo of them fishing etc. If a day has gone past since his last texts, he will update me on everything he has done since we last spoke.
I was still unsure about him… I always replied, but not straight away… sometimes the next day or hours after I have read the text. Not because I was playing games, but simply because I wasn’t all that interested.
One night he called me while he was walking home from the city (he lives in the CBD) he had a bit to drink. First he was texting asking me to come out, but I said no because my friend was over and we wanted to drink at my place. So he calls. I didn’t want to talk to him and was considering letting it go to voicemail… I was with my friend! My friend however, answered. While he was talking to her, he was telling her how he was seeing a really pretty girl but he hadn’t made out with her yet. My friend played along. I spoke to him for a bit, then I put him on speaker phone and we all chatted for about an hour. It was mainly my friend and him bantering and I eventually got bored of the conversation, grabbed my phone and switched my phone off mid call lol.
He then adds my friend on facebook and since my friend has her phone number listed, he requested access to her number. She got a notification from him. So he tried to contact her to get through to me. He was also asking to hang out with me that weekend, but I had family from the UK over and said no.; August 24, 2014 at 4:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont…I didn’t hear from him for 3 days after that lol. I figured he was embarrassed about being drunk and didn’t know how to recover from it. He didn’t do anything bad, my friend loved him… I was just not into him and wanted to get drunk with my friend. Anyway he texts saying he hopes he wasn’t too drunk and I was nice and told him we all were and not to worry.
Up until this time, we had been talking /dating for 6 weeks. Only had two dates but texted constantly. One Friday night, we were texting and we both weren’t doing anything so I invited him over. It was innocent on my part, but since reading your article about sofa dates I realise this was a bad idea lol. I just didn’t feel like going out, but thought we could hang out and drink at mine.
Naturally he jumped at the idea, he comes over and we start drinking and he is really making me laugh… which is my Achilles heel. I think that why I wasn’t interested before, I wasn’t immediately attracted to him and he was always really reserved and quiet on dates. He was MOST chatty on texts. We still hadn’t kissed and I could tell he really wanted to… which made me feel nervous. He ended up saying “Ayyye, wanna make out” lmao. So we did, from there it was on. Very passionate kissing…. which yeah you guessed it led to sex. What can I say? Sag Venus & Leo Mars/Sag Mars & Moon. I had no chance.
After the sex he was just in AWE of me, kept telling me I was amazing and that he really liked me. He said “I can’t believe you are single… well… not…” and then he stopped and so I playfully said, oh yeah… trying to claim me huh? He was completely besotted with me all night, kept waking up during the night and mumbling... you’re awesome lol.
The next morning, I had to hurry him out of my house as I had a BBQ for my nephews 3rd bday and I had to help set up. He texted me as soon as got home and a few times throughout that day… I was feeling a little shady. I was STILL unsure about how I felt about him.
The following week, I started a new job and he was super sweet sending me texts saying “don’t be nervous you got this”. I asked him if he wanted to come to a fitness show with me on the Saturday as we were both into fitness and he agreed and then he asked if he could cook me dinner that Friday night and then go to the show from his house in the morning. I ended up double booking myself that night so I asked him if would come into the city with me for drinks with 2 of my work colleagues. One of them was my friend from the previous night.
My friend who is a cancer sun, pisces moon, scorp asc. LOVED him. I trust her judgement on people as she is really sensitive to people’s feelings… cuz she has sooo many of her own lol. Anyway, they got along great he was buying everyone drinks, my cancer friend she barely spent any money. She said he was the male version of me and every time I spoke, he looked at me as though he was in complete AWE of me.; August 24, 2014 at 4:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Cont again… That night the obvious happened, although it was a marathon session. Drunk and passionate. Crazy. Lol. The next morning, he took me out for breakfast… paid for it and then we went to the fitness show. I noticed he was slightly off during the fitness show but it was pretty boring so just assumed it was that. Our sex session gave me massive bruises and I was rather sore. Moon opp Mars :/ he was extremely concerned about this and kept kissing my forehead and being super caring. He also kept saying “I still haven’t cooked you dinner!” so I ended up staying Saturday night too.
Sunday morning he was super sweet, brought me coffee in bed… and at around 9am I decided it was time to go home. He was leaving for Sydney that night for the week for work training.
It was this weekend that I decided that I really liked him, I reciprocated all his affections and showed some of my own. He stared deep into my eyes after we had sex that morning as though he was completely in love. He walked me to my car and kissed me passionately.
Havent heard from him since! Well.. I texted him on Tuesday saying “hey :) how is Sydney? Having fun?” he wrote back 2 hours later saying “yeah pretty standard, its been raining every day. I got soaked walking back from the movies last night” I did not reply to this message as it somewhat pissed me off… its now Sunday, a week after I have last seen him
My gut feeling (which is usually spot on) tells me a few things… being a Libra I have thought of many circumstances of wtf happened. Its just SO ODD that he could be SOOO into me and before this disappearing act, I couldn’t fault him. He showed no red flags. He was overly charming as you would think a Libra man would be… I feel as though, after the intimate weekend we shared he is either still playing the dating game and doing the old “push/pull” method… to test me/make me think about him constantly… or I was just a conquest and since he finally “got” me… he is no longer interested. I did noticed he did frequent the dating site we met on still… not AS frequently as when he was talking to me on there… but he was still ‘keeping his options open’ I checked after our weekend and he hadn’t been on there for 5 days… so he went on there after we had sex for the first time… but not while he was with me the weekend.
Or he could be rebalancing his feelings, being all Libra scales and trying to decide if I am right for him and as a Libra, I know this is a bad sign. If I am being distant, Im not interested. Simple.
Anyway, I am unsure about what to do… I really saw myself being with this guy. We were so similar in personality and we bounced off one another… and now poof! He is gone!?
If he comes back, I will take your advice and not reply… thinking about a week should do it. Obviously I have to go back to the way I used to be, when he felt he didn’t have me. I have also started talking other guys again… I am an attractive girl and I wont find it difficult to find another date… I almost HOPE he does come back cuz when he does… game on lol. I didn’t want to play games, but obviously I have to… and he is about to be taught just how to play it.

THAT’S… if he comes back.
What do you think is the BEST response after I ignore his text for a week… or a month not sure yet?; August 24, 2014 at 4:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Sorry me again lol
Forgot to add, I am 32 and he is 33.
He got back from Sydney Friday night and it's now Sunday. Yesterday I wallowed in sadness and felt stupid for letting myself be vulnerable. Now I'm pissed. Lol.
I've dated many many aquas in the past, so I'm no stranger to this type of behavior, but I have less tolerance for it
I told my friend who met him that I haven't heard from him since Sunday and she is just as confused as I am. She said the night she met him he was completely 100% into me.
She refuses to believe "he just lost interest"

Ugh you would have thought being your 30's you wouldn't have to deal with this crap anymore!; August 24, 2014 at 5:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 24, 4:55 AM,
"What do you think is the BEST response after I ignore his text for a week… or a month not sure yet?"

That's hard to say, because I don't know what the text you'll be responding to will say. But if all else fails, just be confusing and vague like most of them are LOL ;-) Just act as if the last text he sent to you didn't exist and be like, "Hey, what's up, hows things?" That's a "tap" and he may or may not respond right away, but either way, don't panic.

Re-read the bit in this article titled, "Men Pull Stunts:"

"This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry, or the the good ole’ disappearing man act."

Many times, this is how they test your level of "crazy" as well LOL. Will she hunt me down? Will she blow up my phone? Is she emotionally unstable? Is she nuts? Needless to say, DON'T be nuts right now LOL.

Instead, remain calm, polite, open, friendly and keep moving forward with your life. This will, most likely, make him very curious. If he's secretly insecure, he'll become angry that you're not going off the rails to chase him. But if he's confident and he truly does like you, he'll become curious and in his own time, he'll circle around again. But in the meantime, you don't sit around waiting on him. You have no obligation to this man, he hasn't committed to you or asked your for a commitment so..you're both free to do as you please. So keep living your life, have faith and remain patient...and there's a high likelihood this one will be back in a few weeks ;-); August 24, 2014 at 9:15 AM
Grey said...: Athrodite, I have a lot of catching up to do on how to play courting games at age 61. I am going back into the single life for the first time in 33 years and I feel very un-equipped. I'm sorry to put you in this awkward position of possibly giving suggestions to a cheater. I left out a lot of info. in my question to you because of its density. But I'll try to be brief. When I returned from my affair, I told my husband that I was not in love with him and that I was never really in love with him from the beginning. I tried to get out of the marraige 7 years into it, because I was so depressed and I admitted myself to a mental hospital back in my home state. Stayed a month. Parents/mother really did not want me to leave my husband and he wanted me back, so I went back to Manhattan where we were living at the time. Yes still needing permission from my parents who are now both deceased, but I was from a small country town in the south and had trouble adapting to N.Y. and my new social surroundings. I wanted to have a baby even though he really did not want to start a family. He had 4 prior from another marraige and he is 15 years older than me. I met him 7 years after he was divorced. I convinced him to at least try to start a family at that time when I was 39 years of age and I became pregnant at 40. She was and is beautiful, smart and in her first year of med school. Dont' want to release the shock of us getting divorce now, until at least she makes a full year in school. She is the gift from God, that kept me to continue to invest into this marraige. My husband found out about my affair and was very mad at first, but he has also had an affair in the past and even though he said it was over I knew and allowed him to continue because I knew I was not able to meet his emotional and physical needs. I was not compassionately, passionately or unconditionally in love with him when I married him. Now his affair is over and I am shopping around for a suitable mate for him with his permission because he is 75 and I do not want him to be alone. I realize how easily I can be replaced and I am walking away from a 50 million dollar estate controlled by a man who has controlled me, of course me allowing him, for 33 years. Yes there was a pre-nup 33 years ago. I've had 25 years of counseling and most recently since the affair, excellent counseling to prepare me to be out on my own. I'm driving this tractor at ligtning speed, because we are not talking about a mid life crisis here.... The heart breaker was the cataylist that brought me to this point. The experience almost put me into the land of the barron which is a state of depression that is impossible to describe. But I'm rationally approaching this divorce by working with my husband on a collabrative basis, without all the extra expenses of a knock out, War of the Roses ending. He and I have set down and worked out on paper a healthy annual budget on how much I need to live on. He has parented me for 33 years with me allowing him to. But, by allowing him to help me with my annual budget, I feel that this is a good approach for future communications skills. We are both trying to move through this with our eyes wide opened. I have taken care of my body, so I still have my bells and whistles, so I guess I have the physical equipment covered, but I have never known that men and women actually play mind games when courting. How naive of me. Your column has opened my eyes up to this for the first time and I'm shocked and at the same time excited to read that there is a formular. Just don't fall in love with the son of a guns, period. Probably is why none of my prior relationships worked out when I was single. Always wondered why the men I really were into, did the disappearing acts. This heart breaker/cajun cowboy that I had an affair with, I now realize is very much a game player. My first attempt back to courting and I failed! I do not plan to text back.; August 24, 2014 at 1:11 PM
Southern Belle said...: PART I - He complimented me, stared at me in class to the point that it was ridiculously obvious and annoying, and caught a ride back to his dorm with me all semester. I always sensed an attraction between us, but he had a girlfriend back home (that he never talked about) and I'm a lady. The tension between us just grew more and more because we both tried to ignore it. We got closer as the semester passed, as we had 3 classes together, which made us be together Monday through Friday. I got him a cookie cake for his birthday and he was absolutely elated. Our conversations got a little deeper. He even noticed one day that something was bothering me and told me to forget about this guy that was troubling me because I was sweet and didn't deserve that. I even started seeing signs of possession almost...one day I didn't show up to our class and the next day, in front of everyone he says, "Where were you in our first class yesterday?" Feeling cornered and weirded out by his sudden interest in my whereabouts, said, "Why do you care?" He said, "I guess i don't then."

This was around the time something shifted. One day he just starts ignoring me out of the blue for a whole week, even catching a ride with a different girl in our class. Then, that following Sunday, he calls me for the first time ever. I didn't hear it, so I text him and say, "What's up?" He never responded. I get to class on Monday and he makes sure that I hear he dumped his ex, specifically saying, "Did you hear that *insert my name*, I dumped Janet this weekend" and asks to come over to work on his project. All the other times I tried to get him to hang out with me as a friend in a group, he would either not come, or would wait until the last minute and bail (one time because I didn't want him there without my friend there, so he got mad and said he had a bedtime), so I thought it was weird that he initiated this "hanging out." He comes over and it is a little awkward and he says he wants to chill a bit before working on his project. We sit on my couch, where he actually pours his heart out to me, says I'm the only one who has cared to ask him if he's okay (see the sadness in his eyes), says it's hard for him to open up to people, says he hasn't gotten "close" to anyone this semester for fear of cheating on her (maybe why he wouldn't hang out with me?), tells me he doesn't want anyone else but her but it's over, then tells me he wishes she was like me because I'm just cool. My back was turned when he said this, to which I replied, "I'm not like her and she's definitely not like me." That line floored me because it was so unexpected and I was afraid of where he was trying to go now that we had made our way into my bedroom. Being burned in the past, I always suspect double motives. He had told me that she only wanted to meet for sex, but not to work on their relationship, so he felt violated. His response was, "Yes, guys can feel violated too." He even cried in front of me. He said because I'd taken care of him, he'd take care of me anytime I need him. While in my room, he proceeded to show me his whole family on Facebook and tell me all about his life, confiding some deep stuff. One moment he was working and he turned around to me and said, "I'm weird, aren't I?" Jokingly, I said, "Well, *insert his name* I'm not going to lie to you...you are." We both laughed it off.; August 25, 2014 at 1:59 AM
Southern Belle said...: PART II - I feel like we get each other's weirdness and quietness. I started getting ready for Taco Tuesday with my friends as he was at my desk finishing his project and I think I gave him the impression that I was ready for him to go (which I kind of was...because I knew he was vulnerable and I wasn't going to take advantage, and I was rebound material...plus the feelings we had were a recipe for disaster). He quickly finished and had this HUGE look of disappointment on his face. I told him he should come with me and he said he just wanted to go home and chill. I walked him to my door and noticed he blatantly left his keys in plain sight on my coffee table, so I scooped them up and as he turned once outside, handed them to him. His disappointed face was still there. He said goodbye and left.

The next day, I sent him a longer text reinforcing what we had talked about, told him to keep his head high, that I didn't mean to sound judgmental about his drug use, but that I wanted him to live a long time, etc. He asked if we were going to hang out next semester and said he couldn't wait for me to take him to his first football game because he had transferred in the spring. Like always, he complimented me on my hippie style and then he got out of my car. On the last day of school, he came up to me in our stage makeup class and asked me to brush him off (he could have easily done it himself had he washed the paint off his hands...just an excuse for me to touch him?) and caught me once again to give me a huge hug in front of everyone, saying it would be a while before we saw each other again. I started getting emotional, so I halfway turned in my final and hurried out the door. I didn't realize how strong of feelings/emotional attachment I already had to him. Like a Lifetime movie, he ran out after me, saying he wanted to catch one last ride. He said he couldn't sleep that prior night and had his truck packed, so he was heading home after I dropped him off. As he was getting out of my car, he said he'd text me this summer. As I drove away, I lost it. I realized then that I was in a pickle because I had GREATLY suppressed how I felt about this guy and it was killing me to know I wouldn't see him all summer. Plus, now that he was single, I had this glimmer of hope that I didn't before that maybe something would happen.; August 25, 2014 at 1:59 AM
Southern Belle said...: PART III - I saw that his grandpa wasn't doing good a week later and text him that I was praying. He said "Thank you so much" and "You're a good friend." I said, "I try to be. I really care about you and I'm here if you need me. Hope you have a good day with your family! :)". He didn't say anything though he opened it and he always called me friend EVERYTIME we texted. I hadn't even signaled that I wanted more...he'd sent way more signals than me, so that always dumbfounded me. I was hurt that he didn't say anything else to me, but even more hurt when I saw he was back with his ex a day later. My therapist said it was likely a relationship of convenience and accurately predicted their demise before school started. After a month of watching his ex kiss his ass on Facebook, I couldn't take anymore and deleted him, which I wholeheartedly regret now. It was an impulse, emotional decision. Like my therapist predicted, they broke up at the end of July. I waited and waited for him to contact me. I didn't hear one peep from him all summer. I chalked it up to him being back with her. Then, when nothing came when he was single, I really started feeling hurt. All feelings aside, what the hell happened to our friendship? So, stupidly, I made another rash, emotional decision to text him while at the move-in T-Pain concert our college was having. I thought it was a nonchalant, good excuse to text him...to simply see if he was there so I could say hi. I had held out for 3 months. I grabbed my phone and text, "Where is your crazy butt?" Playful and light, I thought. He replied 30 minutes later, "Hey girl I'm *insert hometown* How is everything?" I was busy having the night of my life at the concert, so I didn't reply until it was over about two hours later. I said, "Boo. You're missing out! Lol." I sent him a clip of the concert. He replied, mirroring me, two hours on the dot (so lame and obvious) with, "Damn that looked like fun." Pissed that I had stupidly caved after I had promised myself to wait to see if he cared enough to contact me first, I just didn't respond. Plus, I wanted him to see what it felt like to be me all summer. In essence, I pulled the male game on him. I texted and poofed. Take that. Haha.; August 25, 2014 at 2:01 AM
Southern Belle said...: PART IV - I thought that with classes starting, surely he'd text me. He'd been really impatient in the past, sending me "?" if I hadn't responded within one hour. But, nothing but crickets. Those insecurities you describe started weighing in my mind. "Is there another girl?" "Does he just not care?" Then, 5 days later, my phone lit up around lunch time in Advanced Grammar. "How is everything going?" I WAS ALL SMILES. YES! My bait text worked, I thought. I waited two hours to reply (where I think I went wrong...I should have waited two days) and said, "Good! I think this is going to be the best semester yet. Though, I'm currently sitting in the dark. Hahaha. How is everything going for you?" He OPENED and REPLIED the exact minute I sent the text! I'm not even kidding. I was laughing with my roommates, saying that he was THIRSTY. He said, "I think it's going to be a good semester. I really like my classes so far. It's just going to be a fuck ton of reading." I was busy loading my car, so I didn't reply for 30 minutes. I finally said, "Yay! I'm happy for you. Lemme guess...Young Adult Lit? Haha." I was trying to lead into what classes he had. He, once again, opens my text the exact minute I sent it, and you guessed it, HE IGNORES ME. It was so obvious what he was doing. He even mirrored my sequence. I didn't respond to his second text to me that night. He opened and didn't respond to my second text that day. It kinda pissed me off. You ignore me all summer, but you're trying to use my own tactic on me? I can't figure out if he's doing it because he cares and was pissed that pulled that stunt on him, or he doesn't care and wants to just f**k with my head? I started wondering and worrying what I had done...was texting him and ignoring him starting something that I shouldn't have? But, then I read your article and if I'm the man and he's the woman in the equation...him texting me even though I ignored him was a sign that he is interested, like you say, "Gotcha little bastard." So, Aphrodite, you have helped me in the past, and I wholeheartedly ask for your advice now. I'm mad about this guy. I've never felt this way about anyone else. My heart literally burned with one glance at him in class one day. It caught me by surprise and I literally almost fell out...that sensation is new to me. Haha. I can't get him out of my head and I'm just not sure if he's the guy he portrayed himself to be, or he's just really good at playing the game. I want so much to believe he's the guy I thought he was, I'm just so confused by his mixed signals and then ignoring me. What's his deal and what is my next move? Thank you so much for everything you do and for the wonderful advice you offer. It is a blessing. :); August 25, 2014 at 2:02 AM
Anonymous said...: I just checked to see if has logged onto the dating site...

One day ago...

Do you think I should just forget about this guy and move on?

I'm not impressed.

I feel like an idiot.
:(; August 25, 2014 at 3:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Grey,
I see dear, your explanation clarified many things, so thank you for that. I see now that you've already taken to walking your path to a new beginning.

And given your age, just so you know, there are women of ALL ages here experiencing the same things you are. It's not you, it's simply a societal change that's affecting us all, so don't place blame on yourself. And if you're reading through the comments here, I'd like to point out two regular contributors here that share their stories. These women are in their 50's - Gemini50 and chk61. There are probably others in that age bracket and if so ladies, please say hello to Grey and lend her some support.

And regarding the fella you were involved with...as you probably already realize, he's not worth your time. Most likely, he was seeking temporary companionship and not a new relationship :-( But that's okay. Be glad you didn't end up with him dear, because he may have only hindered you on your new journey.

After a marriage dissolves, and even before a marriage takes place...I honestly believe that women need AT LEAST ONE YEAR - alone and on their own. Because during that year, a few things happen that are of GREAT benefit to you:

1) You learn about yourself and who you are and what truly makes you happy.
2) You learn that you can take care of yourself and that you don't need anyone else to do that for you. That empowers you and gives you the strength and courage to walk away from unhealthy relationships in the future - because you already know you can take care of yourself and nothing bad will happen if you walk away.
3) You gain your independence and this increases your confidence as a woman.
4) You get to revisit hobbies, passions and interests that you may have otherwise not pursued previously, due to obligations to others taking precedence.
5) You get to do what you want to do, when you want to do it - and experience what true freedom feels like.
6) After that year is up, you're standing taller and others are seeing you blossom for the first time, experiencing your "true" self.

So even though you may feel an urgency with regards to dating right now...realize that you don't have to. You have obviously made a lot of sacrifices for others dear, so maybe now is the time to be selfish in a sense, and make sacrifices for YOURSELF instead. Maybe now is the time to explore who you truly are and to experience freedom and independence in ways you've never been able to do previously ya' know?

I believe that once women find themselves and experience their independence and find happiness within themselves...they begin to shine. They begin to radiate warmth and positive energy which then draws that very energy right back to themselves in the form of another individual with similar energy. Because I believe that "like attracts like" and similar energies gravitate towards one another. And it works both ways. When your energy is turmoiled and off balance, you'll attract that energy in the form of another individual experiencing that same thing - right back to yourself.

So please do consider possibly taking some time to let yourself shine -- so that you can radiate that out into the universe...and draw an individual radiating that very same energy - that right back to yourself :-); August 25, 2014 at 9:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Grey,
I should clarify something with regards to this:

"After a marriage dissolves, and even before a marriage takes place...I honestly believe that women need AT LEAST ONE YEAR - alone and on their own."

I meant - without the distraction of men and dating. Not just alone...but not dating either. Completely free of emotional distraction, so that the focus can be only on YOURSELF :-); August 25, 2014 at 9:39 AM
Grey said...: Aprhodite Thanks for the suggestions and advice! Getting into another relationship at this time feels almost revolting and suffocating to me. As far as astrology signs, I'm not very familiar with the signs and relationships. I looked up the two signs of my husband who is a Leo and the cajun cowboy is a Cancer. I'm a Libra and boy am I a Libra! As far as energy output, I will give all I've got, to shine, because I feel I'm running out of time!; August 25, 2014 at 9:52 AM
Grey said...: Athrodite, Thanks again. I knew you probably meant no relationships, dating, etc. for at least a year. I plan to paddle very slowly through the next year. I'm scared and at the same time excited.; August 25, 2014 at 10:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Southern Belle,
"What's his deal?"

It's too early to tell dear. There are many variables at play here. He may have gone to you for comfort when things were rough with his GF but now that she's back...you know how that goes :-( Or it could be that he's very busy, it could be that he's toying with you, it could be that he's flirting, it could be that he's gaming a bit...problem is, you've never dated him or been romantically involved with him. So at this point, this is friendship and honestly, this is what friendship is like - so I wouldn't read anymore into it than that right now.

"what is my next move"

You don't have a move to make dear - unless you plan on pursuing him, which I don't suggest doing. The only way a woman can know if a man is truly interested...is to see if HE pursues HER. That's it. If you intervene and YOU pursue HIM, you're never going to know if he's truly interested, or simply being a friend, or possibly even taking you up on your offering and using you for sex if it gets that far. And that's the reason I don't suggest that women pursue men - because it leaves them confused and in the dark about what the relationship truly is between her and the man she's pursuing.

Additionally, a woman can walk right into be used sexually by being the one doing the pursuing. Because men WILL take you up on your offer...but that doesn't mean they necessarily want a relationship out of it.

That's why I believe it's best to let men be men (pursue and lead) and women be women (submit if they choose) - that's the way Mother Nature set it up and when we attempt to intervene in that natural process, we get hurt. So I don't suggest doing that.

If he wants you dear - he knows where to find you. So don't do anything...and see if he comes looking ;-); August 25, 2014 at 4:52 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Chk 61, I think Ms. Mirror gave me the same “let it go” advice awhile ago. :) It’s good advice, and when you’ve had enough of the angst this relationship is causing you, the burning exercise can be quite powerful.

@ Grey, I read your first post and thought the same as Ms. Mirror: 33 yrs is long enough. I cheered today (with a little fist pump) when I read the path you are now on. May this be the beginning of a whole new happy life for you. Reading the experiences shared here may help. I’m 52, entered the dating world a few years ago and had the shix kicked out of me emotionally and mentally. It wasn’t until I found Ms. Mirror’s website did I begin to understand, and I continue to do so. So welcome -- and don’t worry about your daughter, she’s going to be fine too – just you see :); August 25, 2014 at 8:22 PM
Gem50 said...: @ the ladies, after I had shared my understanding of a woman’s Power, I had said I would share an experience of it; here goes:

A few Saturdays ago GF and I went to see a band play at bar down the street. I was becoming comfortable with my Power, and just wanted to go out, listen to music and relax.

We sat at the bar. As I sat down next to a man finishing his dinner alone, I said hello. He looked at me, said hello and then said, “So, what’s your story?” I didn’t understand him and said, “Excuse me?” He repeated, “What’s your story?”

I chuckled, and smiling I told him we didn’t have enough time. We both laughed, and now he was interested. We talked about what we did for a living. He’s a surgical tech @ local hospital. I told him he was an “Angel.” He asked if men could be Angels. I said, “Absolutely. I’ve seen what people do in hospitals, that is a special gift and all those people are Angels.”

GF had to ask his age, I held my ears and told him and her that I didn’t want to know. After they were done, and I released my ears, he looked directly at me and said, “I’m 46.”

GF and I saw that P (Remember the “put you up on the kitchen counter” guy?) was also there and GF went over to talk with him. When she came back she said he wanted to apologize to me because when we had met, he was broken up with his girlfriend of 15 years, but they had gotten back together right after. (So THAT’S why he was so uncomfortable when I went back to thank him for paying our tab (too funny!)) I didn’t care – I didn’t have a second thought on it.

I recognized the Guitarist and remembered him as a friend of my brother’s from high school. Not only did Guitarist recognize me, as soon as he had a chance, he came over. He remembered my name, my kids’ names, where I worked, etc. He recalled being at my apt 20+ years ago with my bro. I included 46 and GF in our conversation – it was all good. And when he gave me his phone number, I didn’t pretend anything to appease him. I simply took his number and said I’d let him know when my bro was back in town and it would be great for everyone to get together again.

When I answered one of Guitarist’s questions about my brother with joy, 46 laughed at me and said, “You are such a girl!”

It stopped me right in my tracks. I looked at him inquisitively. He said, “Your expressions, your actions, you are such a GIRL” and he was grinning from ear to ear.

46 had no idea what that meant to me; and it was reinforcement that I was accurate in my understanding of a woman’s Power.

Eventually, P came over to us. He stood between GF and me and apologized to me (for what I didn’t hear exactly). I told him all was good. He kept on. 46 turned away to the bar and his drink. Then eventually P says, “I’m going to go now because I’m getting the evil-eye from the guy next to you.” (hmmm, I thought. That’s interesting.); August 25, 2014 at 8:55 PM
Gem50 said...: 2 of 3

Eventually, GF tells me that she can see P and one of my neighbors talking about me across the bar. I didn’t care. I didn’t need to DO anything. I didn’t even look over at them. They could do/say whatever they wanted; it made no difference to me.

I went to the ladies room at one point and while there, I checked my phone. Scorpio had been texting me. I told him where I was and asked him to join me. He didn’t answer that one, and although he continued texting me, I didn’t respond again.

When I returned from the bathroom, GF was talking with 46, but then she left to dance. 46 and I were chit-chatting so much I didn’t see GF come back to sit down. I don’t remember specifics of conversation, but out of the blue 46 says to me, not in a creepy way or disrespectful way, “I can’t figure out why you are single.” And, “I am finding myself attracted to you,” as if it was something he had absolutely no intention of doing (a woman’s Power ladies).

Then GF leans over and says to me, “You know he has a girlfriend, right?”

Hmm… 46 forgot to mention that. So, I turned to him and just matter of factly said, “(GF) says you have a girlfriend.”

He said he did and that he wasn’t happy. They’ve been together two years and he’s the money man. I said, “I don’t know what that means.” He repeated the same thing, and I said, “I still don’t know what that means.”

He explained more about how they got together and how it was now, and I asked, “What are you going to do?” When he said he didn’t know, I said, “Well, you’ll figure it out.”

46 was getting pretty bum’d talking about his girlfriend, etc., and now I had no interest in him other than chatting. He told me he couldn’t believe he was telling me what he was and again said that he was attracted to me. I told him not to worry about it, that he was just attracted to my happy aura. He said, “No, that’s not it,” as if he was trying to figure it out himself. We chuckled and I asked if he wanted to hear a funny story to cheer him up and an explanation of why I’m single. I identified P to him across the bar, asked him to look at him once, but then not look at him while I told the story.

I shared what happened when I met P and his comments to me. When 46 asked, “What did you say?” I told him, “I didn’t know what to say; I was speechless. All that was running through my brain was, ‘What kind of idiot says this? Who says that to a woman they just met?’ And I added, because there are so many of these types of guys out there, THAT is why I’m single.”

46 couldn’t believe it, but we laughed. He asked if I had a FB page. He looked it up on his phone and sent me a friend request. “Oh boy,” I thought, “I’m not supposed to do this,” but I really didn’t have an interest in him other than he seemed like a nice guy to be friends with, so I let this one slide.; August 25, 2014 at 8:58 PM
Gem50 said...: 3 of 3

We continued to talk and eventually P came back over to me. This time he stood right behind me. I sat sideways towards 46. To my surprise, and with his girlfriend still in the bar, P says so only I hear, “You know, I’d still put you up on that kitchen counter.”

I was shocked and speechless again. I looked at 46. He saw my expression, but he couldn’t hear P, and didn’t know what my expression meant.

I looked back at P in amazement, and then he continued to tell me how good it would be, the time he would take, etc.

I finally found my voice. I calmly cut him off and told him I wasn’t interested and he needed to move along. I turned my back to him and faced the bar, took a breath, and sipping my beer I wondered what it was about me to cause this man to think he could talk to me that way AGAIN.

46 asked me what was wrong. I said, “Nothing.” He asked again and referring to P, he said, “What did he say to you?”

I turned to 46 and he was peering into me. I decided to just tell the truth, “The same thing, but this time much more descript. I handled it, but I just don’t understand how someone can think that that is ok.”

46 said, “He said that to you while I was sitting here? While his girlfriend is over there? He doesn’t know if we were together.” And I could see 46 getting angry. He scanned the bar, but P had left. And then this flew me for a loop: 46 apologized to me! He said he saw my expression, but didn’t understand it. He said HE felt terrible, and if HE sees P again, HE’s going to set him straight, etc.

And as he spoke, I felt like I was watching it from afar. “My goodness,” I thought. “This is what a woman’s Power does. It makes a man want to take care of her, protect her, etc. And this man doesn’t even know me.” Very interesting indeed. I told 46 he didn’t need to apologize and I will address it with P if he ever tries to talk to me like that again.

And then GF tells me that she has to leave (she was driving).

It was perfect timing to say good-bye to 46.

46 asked if he could give me a hug; he said he was sure we’d see each other again. I was surprised, but smiled and gave him a hug. I didn’t think I’d see him again.

On the way home, GF apologized for having to leave, but I was good with it. It seemed everything happened as it was supposed to. I went out with the comfort of my Power, and the men reacted to it without me doing a thing. They probably don’t even know why – it’s just the way it is.

Your Power is your essence ladies - and the breath of life - in its every stage!

(hugs); August 25, 2014 at 9:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
“My goodness,” I thought. “This is what a woman’s Power does. It makes a man want to take care of her, protect her, etc. And this man doesn’t even know me.”

That's the concept I'm referring to when I say - men are attracted to feminine energy, they are NOT attracted to masculine energy. And it's true ladies...the more feminine YOU are, the more masculine the MAN feels. And I don't have to tell you that making a man feel masculine, makes him very happy. As a woman, if you let a man be a man - and you, yourself, play the role of the woman -you will make the man very happy. And when you make a man very happy, they are attracted to you, to the feelings you create in them, and they want to be near you.

"I went out with the comfort of my Power, and the men reacted to it without me doing a thing."

I think you are now shining as your true self dear. You're now radiating warmth and positive energy that is drawing others to you - because you are now content with yourself, you now feel good about yourself and you are now in complete and total control of yourself ;-); August 26, 2014 at 8:45 AM
chk61 said...: Thank you, MOA. I do like the idea of the symbolic fire "cleansing"! Just a couple of thoughts. You wrote: "I get the impression that some part of you feels you need a relationship to be happy. And while relationships are nice and do provide comfort and add to your happiness, they are NOT the end all, be all, of your happiness." I totally agree. Other people - friends, boyfriends, family - cannot make us happy, it is up every one of us as individuals to take responsibility for our own happiness. The truth is, I choose to be alone right now. The right guy has not come along and I have had many opportunities since my LTR break-up. I have not wanted to enter into a serious relationship with a man JUST so I could be in a relationship. There are women who cannot be alone, who HAVE to be with a guy (we all know a woman like this), and I'm not one of them. Otherwise, I *would* be with a guy. People who know me have remarked on this, my independence. I don't enter into opposite sex relationships lightly or capriciously. Some criticize me for being "too picky".

At this point, I only talk about the D.M. to a couple of friends who are not judgmental. When I first met him, when friends would ask "so, are you dating anyone?" I may mention him but no longer. Because truthfully, he's not a big part of my life anymore. So I'm not driving people away with a depressed demeanor nor do I wax on and on about D.M. Yeah, I think about him because I'm human and I think it's natural as human beings to think about past relationships. Yet, I am not all consumed by him (although it may appear that way from my last post), I have gone on dates with other men (through online dating) and continue to be very social, going out, enjoying life. I am working on taking one day at a time, not wallowing in the past, worrying about the future - living in the present moment. It can be a challenge to live in the present, I believe, for all of us. :-)

In my last post I was feeling uncomfortable about a woman friend that I introduced into my social group over the last couple of years. She has her own issues, and tends to be critical/judgmental in general. She is quite striking and intelligent but others have commented on her being cold and unapproachable. She has a good side, of course. I feel that lately she has been treating me somewhat callously, and she would *not* have the group of friends she currently has if not for me. I believe she is envious of my ability to make and keep friends, for 30-40+ years in some cases. She has remarked on this to me. A few times she would say to me: "I have no friends!" (and I'd be thinking, "What am I, chopped liver?") I've been kind and accepting of her. Way too many details to go into here, but I was feeling uncomfortable about her when the D.M. reappeared. And no, she is not a friend I would even share this information with. Yet, she will still wistfully talk to me about her ex-BF (who broke up with her 10 years ago, and is married with kids now). She currently has a very nice boyfriend (who makes up for her chilly personality). I listen to her, I try not judge her but I feel she judges me. Heck, I try to do my best and I am not perfect!

I posted about the D.M.'s reappearance here so other women (of all ages) could see that yes, when you DO lean back, stop pursuing, relax, take care of yourself, embrace your femininity and your female essence, many times (certainly not always) these disappearing men DO reappear in your life. But as Mirror said, it really comes down to embracing your own power and believing in yourSELF. We have to step back, breathe deeply, remind ourselves we are A-OK and not hand our personal power over to a man OR for that matter, to anyone. Thanks again for the reminder, Mirror! :-); August 26, 2014 at 12:30 PM
Grey said...: @Gemini50,

Thanks for your encouragement and including me in your post. I told both my psychiatrist and psychologist yesterday about this site and the major affect the information had on me. One took copies home of some of the articles and both were fascinated on how it affected my approach with what we have been dealing with for 5 months now. So Thank You again, Mirror of Aphrodite!
Oh! What a Night You Had... I Want to be You! Reading your accounts of the evening at the bar was so fantastic and vivid that I even felt enpowered and had fun at the bar! Thanks for sharing.; August 26, 2014 at 12:42 PM
Scorpiolady said...: Hi Mirror,

I was on this site about a year ago. It started with a disappearing Scorpio man and then about an Aquarius. Since then I've also been looking at other dating/relationship websites, videos, etc. Things between me and Aqua have more or less ended... or rather than ended, like goodbye forever, there's been such a big shift or change in me that I know things aren't going to be the same anymore. It's interesting how I've come back to the first place I began to learn more about dating and relationships and it's really amazing how you have kept going strong and helping us all so earnestly.

I looked back on my diary entries and I realised I had been consumed almost totally by Aqua for a year. Woah. And now, I'm free... almost. He treated me very badly when we were on an overseas trip with friends - negligent, uncaring, flirting with many girls - so much so that I could not stand to be in the same space as he was but I had to for a few days when we were overseas. Upon returning home, I just began Operation Moving On and Getting Over Him stat... and this time it was for real. My heart was truly closed to him. Moving on, getting over him was the one and only option for me.

I began to reevaluate my life and subsequently am on my journey to rebuilding it... inevitably, there are times when I feel upset and those are the times when I revert back to thinking, if only there's a man romancing me, then life wouldn't feel so empty. But now I catch myself and realise the emptier it feels "without a man", the more I have to live without a man. So it makes me a lot more determined to move on and build a life that's exciting on its own.

So far it's been going well and I also thank the love from my friends and family. The love they showed me had a lot to do with my decision to leave Aqua. Why was I trying so hard for his love, I was literally grasping at straws, when the friends and family around me showed me so much kindness? In their eyes, I was a valuable and worthy person... in his, I was pathetic. So touched I was by the contrast that I simply had to kick him to the curb. The person who made me feel like crap became crap to me.

Although I can't tell the future, I doubt this is the last we will see of each other. Firstly, he has a habit of keeping in contact with at least 3 girls he used to have a relationship with. I don't exactly know what's going on between them, but oh well...

And surprisingly, much as he had acted as if didn't like me, after just 2 weeks of silence he texted me asking about school related topics. I replied his question specifically and ignored his attempts to be conversational, and I made sure to end the conversation. I know he wanted to see me (how much he wanted though is another thing) too and well if he expects me to see me easily in school like last time, he's being naive now. I honestly didn't expect it though, for him to reach out so soon.

But like a video I watched, there's no rush to reconnect with him at all. The most important step before that is to do well in life... work on my career path, be healthy and happy. Whole and fulfilled. So that when I reconnect with him, I don't need him at all and it will be on my terms, not his. So before I get to that point in my life, I am not keen to reconnect with him.

Essentially this was a very important realisation to me. I am not saying goodbye forever and permanently... he's not someone who I can forget completely (for now, at least). But I am not in the right place in my heart and mind to deal with him now. So aside he goes and more important things take his place... such as my dreams, my family, my friendships, happiness and more. Until I am a lot stronger than I am now.

Peace and love,
Scorpiolady; August 27, 2014 at 1:22 AM
chk61 said...: @MOA and ladies:

I wanted to add that I did write back to D.M. three days after he emailed me. I "mirrored" him and basically was light, breezy, like I would be with anyone. As I mentioned before, I had decided to leave this "relationship" on a friendly note after he had helped me greatly with a personal project. So I have reframed him as a casual acquaintance and it appears he views me the same.

He wrote back within 10 minutes and said he was on vacation with his kids and extended family, as he does every year at this time. He told me a bit about his travels over the summer and asked me about mine. He told me he was coming back later this week. I wrote back once, not offering a lot of information, just that my summer has been fun. He wrote back again, mentioning again that he was looking forward to having some to himself when he got home (with no kids, they will be with his ex).

So, I just did not respond to that last email. He may be thinking that I would suggest or initiate a meeting which I'm NOT going to do. Even if we are just casual acquaintances/friends, I did most of the initiating recently. Friendships are a two way street.

I am really busy over the next two weeks as I am going out of the country (he knows about my trip, I told him earlier this year). So I am just letting this/him go.; August 27, 2014 at 10:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorpiolady,
Good for you dear! It sounds like you're now empowered and well on your way to finding happiness - within yourself and your own life, which is exactly the way it should be. It's not easy to make a transition like that, I realize...but you're doing well, so keep up the good work and thanks for returning to us to update us all on your progress :-); August 27, 2014 at 10:29 AM
Anonymous said...: @MOA
This is Anon from 8/20 at 8:25pm...

My DM sent me a TEXT at 1am this morning saying "Sorry I've been out of touch. My teenage son is having issues, my house was burglarized, and I'm not doing very well personally so I will be out of commission for awhile.

Of course I looked at his online dating profile and his last log in was at 1am last night. And he was on again this morning. I haven't answered. First off, he should have CALLED at a decent hour to tell me this. And if he's that F'd up, why is he still logging onto dating sites.
My gut tells me he probably had someone dump him last night and he was testing... no thank you. But who knows. It's tough to not just say something nice because he may be having these issues but so what? I have issues. We ALL have issues. I could still manage to make a quick call to someone who is important to me. And he's been active on the dating site the entire 3 weeks since I last spoke to him.

It seems very manipulative to reach out like that and dump your issues on someone. Like he knows he will get a response because it seems cold to ignore him after he listed his woes. What his text said to me was "you will not forget me, and please ignore my bad behavior and poor treatment of you because I'm F'd up right now." DELETE DELETE DELETE...; August 27, 2014 at 11:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

I just love your blog and words of wisdom.

I was dating a man who in the beginning, said all the right things, laid out a plan for the future for "us", and I was completely smitten with him. Being the way I am, I thought I would see how things progress and take note of how he made me feel and if his words align with his actions. I fell for his lies, but in a matter of time, I realized all the sweet talk and so called "plans" were just a bunch of BS and verbal fabrication to fast-track me in the bedroom. Ladies, "Talk is Cheap" All he really wanted was to have regular FB, stringing me along, wasting my years, while he goes about his business.. He was a very self-absorbed, narcissist and "all about him" Jerk to the "Nth" degree.

I knew this wouldn't last,so I wasn't about to discuss his bad behaviour with him or call him out. I didn't want to waste my time or breath on such a useless Ass who was not only CHEAP, but did very little for me or even lift a finger. One night when I was with him and he was sleeping, all my thoughts and bad feelings I have accumulated finally hit a all time high and I couldn't sleep. I got out of his bed in the middle of night, got dressed and I left. I disappeared on him without explanation - Nothing Said. He deserved absolutely nothing from me after giving me nothing. He texted me the next morning pretending he didn't know I left in the middle of the night and asked if I was Ok or sick.. I never texted him back.... So you see, he thought he had me just where he wanted me and when he least expected it, I just VANISHED without explanation. To be honest, I felt such a sense of pride and relief that I got rid of that piece of garbage who only thinks of himself.

One month went by and he texted me and wanted to know what he did wrong. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction to give him any answers. He wanted to talk about how he disappointed me and to make things right. I knew he only contacted me because he felt lonely and he had no one. Personally, I didn't care about him anymore. There were so many Bright red flags while I was dating him, I reached a verdict and got to the point where I found him repulsive. I did agreed to meet him for lunch and once again, he talked about himself and how he was praised at work, and he was working out hard and blah blah blah....I tuned out and my gut feeling said he was still the same ole Jerk. I thought he was pathetic.... Why did he feel he had to tell me how good he was doing etc? Again, all about him!!!. When he finally got to asking me why I left, I was just exhausted listening to his crap.. I didn't want to fix a relationship that was just DEAD, so I just told him I don't like being taking for granted and that's it.. Actually I wanted to leave early as I regretted agreeing to have lunch with him.

To make a long story short, since lunch, I declined every invitation from him and replying with very short texts and not the same day, but a day or so later. Eventually he got the message and ended it wishing me the best.. I never texted back because I don't care anymore.... I flicked him off like a bug!! I didn't have to waste my breath or words on a useless man that will never change for the better...

Lesson learned: Pay attention to how you are treated by a man and how he makes you feel... You hold all the cards!! Get rid of the ones that are not worthy of you..

Victorious.; August 27, 2014 at 11:38 AM
Anonymous said...: @ Gemini 50
I am sure you will certainly meet a nice man sooner or later while in this state of mind. :-)

@ chk61
Isn´t this man impossible? It was HIM who contacted you and now he seems to be trying to shift him contacting you on your shoulders and make you chase him...

Best wishes to you all,
Hopeful; August 27, 2014 at 1:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Victorious,
"One month went by and he texted me and wanted to know what he did wrong"

Ahh, the magic number - 30 days. Ladies, I don't know why, probably has to do with how long it takes the human brain to process emotions fully...but 30 is a magic number LOL. (Want results? Disappear for 30 days. Want contact? Disappear for 30 days. Need a break? Disappear for 30 days ;-)

"There were so many Bright red flags while I was dating him, I reached a verdict and got to the point where I found him repulsive"

That's usually what happens when you remove the rose colored glasses laced with LSD that they place upon your eyes when first meeting them LOL.

"Why did he feel he had to tell me how good he was doing etc?"

I bet that was a lie and he's doing terribly. When people overcompensate like that, when they take something to the extreme like that and go just a bit too far with it...they're overcompensating, which signals that they're trying real hard to get you to believe something...that simply isn't true. If it were true, they wouldn't need to try so hard to get you to believe it. And that behavior falls right into classic narcissism.

"I flicked him off like a bug!"

Good for you! I know that takes strength.

"I didn't have to waste my breath or words on a useless man that will never change for the better... "

And old quote, "Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence, sometimes the most powerful thing you can say, is nothing at all."

"Pay attention to how you are treated by a man and how he makes you feel"

In the end...it's truly really the only thing that matters. If someone doesn't make you feel good...then get rid of them - period, case closed. You can't save them from themselves...but you can kick them to the curb and get the hell outta' there LOL!; August 27, 2014 at 7:00 PM
chk61 said...: @Hopeful:

Yes, that's exactly what I think he was doing. Dropping some bait to see if I'd ask HIM to get together. That way, if I do the asking, he doesn't have to feel badly about possibly leading me on. So I'm sitting tight. I wouldn't be surprised if I never hear from him again.; August 27, 2014 at 9:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror

About six months ago I started dating a guy and in the beginning I thought things went quite well until he suddenly disappeared. We planned a date, but a few days prior to the scheduled date he would disappear and I wouldn't hear from him. The date would never happen. I remember I wrote him a text message saying that I would have appreciated it if he had given me a notification telling me he was not going to show. And of course, which I guess after reading some of your articles is a no-no, wondering why. He used his time, but eventually he responded, telling me I deserved someone better. And after that we didn't talk to each other until he suddenly resurfaced again. He would ask me what I was doing, and I would respond in kind, but nothing more. Eventually he told me he wished things had gone differently, that he missed me and wanted to meet me again. I decided I wanted to give him a second chance. As you can guess, things were good for a few weeks before he would do the exact same thing again. The last time we were supposed to meet, I sent him a message the day before. I have to admit I was a kind of expecting him not to show and I didn't want to drive all the way to the planned location if he wasn't going to be there. He didn't respond and I haven't tried contacting him afterwards. Now, my gut is telling me this isn't going to work, and I think I might have been a little bit too easygoing. Right now I am at a loss of what to do, whether I should send him a message telling him, once again, I would have appreciated a cancellation notification and that I have better thing to do that accepting this kind of behavior. I feel like drawing the line or applying the "no contact rule", but I have to admit I still want this to work…; August 28, 2014 at 10:39 AM
Scorpiolady said...: Thank you Mirror!

I meant to share some positivity too. We can all, wholeheartedly, walk away from these unavailable men! It can be difficult some days, but the difficulty part is not for the men to fix... it's our own jobs to deal with why it's difficult to stay away from these unavailable men.

Anyway, something happened yesterday as well... I was having dinner with friends in school yesterday when all of a sudden, there was a text from Aqua in the group chat, saying he was at our usual hangout and why no one was there. Nobody replied because we were altogether but at different places. And that's just how it is, isn't it? He wasn't really there for anybody and when he dropped by randomly to one of our old hangout places, nobody's there... Well, what did he expect? A warm welcome for him to so kindly drop by? If there's one important thing I learned from all this, it's how to be a friend. You have to show up, again and again consistently and people will do the same for you. To keep friendships or relationships of any kind, it's not a casual thing which just happens, unfortunately. It takes effort and sincerity. It's an unspoken integrity of how relationships are between people who respect themselves. You sow what you reap.

I don't know for what reason he was in school and I don't know whether anybody hung out with him in the end. Honestly, part of me didn't want to leave him alone but it is not in my position to care him about either. Eventually, a group of us met up for supper later in the night and left school together. Part of me was wondering if he'll be there... but he wasn't. I don't think anybody even contacted him. Well, who knows.

It's not only me, but all of us who are also letting him live with the consequences of his actions. And these are a group of good friends, too.

Just an observation but I wonder if this is just the way he is and he's been like this to most people. He chats with several girls at the same time... most probably just e-tethering and flirting with them so that he can buffer the emptiness and also as an ego stroke.

Sigh.

I am beginning to see that he really needs an attitude adjustment... and so do most of these unavailable men on this site. The problems the ladies here have with them are probably problems these men are facing in all other aspects of their lives too, do you think?; August 28, 2014 at 12:13 PM
Anonymous said...: @ chk61

You are doing well, just don´t lose your power in case he reappears (which isn´t impossible in my opinion).

Your DM´s behaviour reminds me of the cyclist I was on and off for quite some time. Last Christmas while we were off he contacted me, wished me nice holidays etc. I hesitated but finally sent him a text a week later. I had taken my time but to no avail because what did he do? He didn´t reply (you see, he did exactly the same as your DM - he wanted to test the waters and find out whether I was still interested.) Then he comfortably waited a few weeks knowing my interest was still there and contacted me to ask me to go cycling after the winter ended. And I said yes (what a surprise, isn´t it LOL). And the roller coaster continued. Recently he has disappeared for a few weeks (after I once again declined his offer to become FWB) and I am determined not to reply if he reappears. Enough is enough. No more contacts with this one.
I know that I allowed him to treat me like this but thanks to Mirror´s teachings at least I did it knowing what it was all about. And I can say fortunately I am over his silly games now.
Hopeful; August 28, 2014 at 2:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 28, 10:39 AM,
"he would disappear and I wouldn't hear from him. The date would never happen...I wrote him a text message saying that I would have appreciated it if he had given me a notification...he responded, telling me I deserved someone better...he suddenly resurfaced...we were supposed to meet...He didn't respond...should I send him a message telling him, once again, I would have appreciated a cancellation notification"

What's the point dear? Look at that series of events above...does this look promising at all? No, unfortunately, it doesn't. If you continue reaching out to him and kicking things up again to remind him you exist and you're waiting on him...you know what he's going to think about you?

He's going to think you're desperate and he won't respect you. He won't respect you because he'll wonder why you're even still hunting him down after he's treated you like this. He'll wonder why you're not respecting yourself as well.

I have a male friend experiencing this very thing with a woman. They dated a while, it didn't work out, he's tried to break it off numerous times, he's been straight up, then he's tried fading, then he's disappeared..then he just got downright ignorant because this woman would keep coming back for more. Finally, he confronted her and asked her why she even wanted to speak to him. He told her that any self-respecting woman would not even want to speak to him at this point. She's still pursuing him, BTW.

Don't be that girl dear. Don't chase down men that treat you poorly. When someone treats you poorly, you do NOT shower them with more of your attention. Instead, they receive a CONSEQUENCE for that treatment and that consequence is...no further access to you:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

"I have to admit I still want this to work"

Why dear? It's never worked..not even briefly has it worked. Why would you desire the company of a man that treats you so very poorly? Why do you wish to be with a man that's rude, ignorant, unreliable, inconsistent, insensitive, selfish...and admittedly already told you that you "deserved someone better."

You know what he's doing when he says that to you dear, when he says you "deserved someone better." He's WARNING you that he's a louse. He's WARNING you that he's not going to treat you right. He's WARNING you that he's going to hurt you.

Heed his warning dear - or suffer a repeat of the same exact situation all over again. Remember...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again...and expecting different results.; August 28, 2014 at 6:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorpiolady,
"The problems the ladies here have with them are probably problems these men are facing in all other aspects of their lives too, do you think?"

For the majority of them, yes, I believe that's the case. Which is why I tell women a lot...it's not you, it's them. I'm not simply saying that to be nice. It's honestly the pattern I see taking place. Some of it is unwritten even...but it's not hard to fill in the blanks once you get a sense for how people like this behave. Sometimes, you can even easily predict their next move (not always, but sometimes if they're acting in a very "classic" manner).

You have to INVEST in relationships - relationships of ANY kind. Relationships take work and they require sacrifice. That's simply the way it is. Anything that's a ONE way street, instead of a two way street...eventually dissipates and crumbles because it was built on a shaky foundation (one person carrying the entire relationship along) to begin with.

When people are selfish, narcissistic, ignorant, rude, arrogant...no one is drawn to that energy. It actually repels people and they begin to move away from you. The individual actually begins to isolate themselves via their own behavior without even realizing it. Generally, they blame others but the reality is that the "others" they're blaming...are simply receiving no ROI (return on investment) from the relationship. The "others" are investing heavily...while the individual at the center is simply take, take, taking from everyone, like a greedy little troll.

When you start depleting the energy of those around you and stealing their sunshine and exhausting them...while providing no nourishment or investment in return...eventually people will gravitate AWAY from that.

I have a neighbor like that...he's strange and stalker-like of women on the block, it's really odd. I've caught him spying on me, I found the lightbulb on my back deck unscrewed after being away from camp one weekend (couldn't turn the lightswitch on from inside, bulb was barely dangling in the socket), my other neighbor found footprints on her porch in the dust from winter, someone was peeking in her window...I could go on and on and on. Bottom line...this guy's very strange.

I started to ask around about him because I knew that if my gut was right...there'd be much more evidence of his strangeness, possibly even of a personality disorder. And guess what? Turns out, every woman on my block, even the 8 and 10 year old girls...are completely creeped out by this guy. The minute I mentioned his name...I didn't even have to say anything else. The strange stories started rolling out.

And what was even more interesting was...my male neighbors are angry with him, he had a falling out with them...and his own family doesn't even speak to him, they claim he offended them. He was recently speaking to some construction workers on the block, we figured he was complaining to them or barking orders at them about how to do their jobs, and days later...they were heard referring to him as "that skinny F_kr."

So you see...when people behave a certain way with you - nine times out of ten, they're behaving that same exact way with others. Which is why usually...it's truly not you, it's THEM.; August 28, 2014 at 6:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Mirror.

I am a stronger woman now, (and much happier too) than I have ever been . Thanks to you and to everyone here who shared their story. - I acquired a wealth of knowledge.

To date, I've already met someone new and so far, no red flags!!

Victorious.; August 29, 2014 at 11:11 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Hopeful, thanks for your comment and I hope so. I shared the story because it was just so clear and amazing to see as it happened -- but I am still working at this, and will probably work at it for the rest of my life (and that's ok). :)

@ Ms. Mirror, Thank you for your continued advice here. No matter who it seems directed towards, I find information that I need to also hear. Thanks Lady!; August 29, 2014 at 1:04 PM
Scorpiolady said...: @Mirror

Had a good laugh reading your story, Aqua himself is one weird fella too... to say he has a personality disorder is not too far off hahaha.

I've always found it endearing though, he was quirky and intelligent. If only he wasn't so self-centered.

I guess when it's THEM and have some sort of personality problem, sometimes it is this very problem that makes them attractive to women who want to take care of them and fix them. We don't see it as a problem and instead, romanticise it and keep hitting a dead end wall over and over again... because we don't see the problem for what it is.

Like Aqua, I always saw him as special and one of a kind and indeed he was, but on the other side of the coin it meant he couldn't give me the intimacy a person could have given me, that I wanted and craved.

Receiving the brunt of his coldness the last time I saw him really shook me hard. However there were also people who showed me the opposite. And to wrap it up, sometimes it feels like Aqua is always looking out for something better, something more meaningful in world such that he always seems to have better things to do and always ghosting on people, but now, I learnt that everyone around us has value, and recognising this and showing appreciation for the people around us... how many other things are there which make the world more meaningful are there?

Maybe things like love and power in a relationship comes to you when you're not looking for it, similarly "meaning" too...

Much love,
Scorpiolady; August 29, 2014 at 2:01 PM
KK said...: Mirror and Ladies...

Got a 'sighting' late last week... Libra reared his ugly head, 6 months after I told him to EFF off.

I have deleted many numbers (contacts) from my phone over this past year and people do get new numbers all the time, so I did lose track/didn't remember his especially. The first text came in as this:

"Hey!!! How are you?? Wow how long has it been.." Then a second text:

"I'm close to your place, I was thinking of stopping by, will you be home or are you free today?"

I was so confused - who is this person? I studied the number and tried to remember...I even looked it up - nothing. I was watching the texts and the mannerisms this person had. They seemed to know me and know where I live.. So I decided to text back:

"Sorry, I have no idea who this is. Since you would like to stop by though, can you tell me what my address is?"

No response. Busted!
Right away, my GUT told me this was him. He was and will always be a friggin sketchball.

I put the phone away and was immediately angry with myself for even responding. (But I really had no idea) It could have been anyone.
He kept up with the texting. He was saying he was stuck just down the street from me while his car was in the shop. He 'needed' something. *eye roll*.
I said: "Call a cab". LOL - common sense if you drop your vehicle into the garage for a day or two. Or arrange a ride - with someone other than me. I'm not his friend or pal or buddy, I never was.

I went on about my day - give or take a couple hours, he's at it again. He had sent a few more and I did not respond. He then asked me a question - regarding my name and then apologizing if he did in fact have the wrong number. He had the right number, and the right person in mind... but wrong name. He always had my name wrong.

He called me by a different name. Like an 'alias' to keep his girlfriend from knowing exactly who I am. I never told him to do this. I was surprised when I found out he did that last fall. A girl named 'Nicole' was in his phone in his contact list with my number. Shady!

As soon as he said that name... my heart started pounding. It was now confirmed it was him. I know no one else who would stoop that low and 'rename' me.
I asked his name. He answered correctly and didn't lie about it this time. I added to it and said: "Oh yeah... last name, ****?. Don't you have a girlfriend and a son to tend to? I thought I told you to leave me alone, I'm with someone and so are you anyway". He SNAPPED. Then he claims HE has the wrong number and tries spinning it on me, like I'm the one harassing him LOL. Can't get away with his bs anymore... This makes him angry.

Its quiet and then I get a "Hi" within the hour. I thought he had the wrong number? :) And I did respond back: "Wrong number, remember?!" LOL I had fun with this fool.

He texts the following.. and I apologize for all the expletives - I'm just quoting him.
"Fuck you, that's fucking bullshit, you're a fucking bulllshitter. You never told me any of that. You fucking know that I would be there whenever the fuck you needed me to be and you can't even fucking do the same. When I get to your house, you better be fucking NICE to me".

Wow, crazypants! - I stay silent and absorb this stupidity, but I'm not affected.; September 1, 2014 at 8:04 AM
KK said...: (Continued)

You guessed it - another text rolls in. (Seriously dude?)
This time he's playing the 'sympathy' card and being whiny. "Please babe, cmon, please let me come over. I really need a bud". I'm laughing at him now - A BUD?! This guy doesn't even have the decency to remember my own name.

This started Thursday, it continued into Friday. At first I was considering it entertainment. But it also got to a point where it became 'sick'. He kept wanting to come by and I would either not respond to that or say NO, tell him I wouldn't be home, etc..
I woke up Friday morning and had yet another text from him saying that he'd be here soon. I panicked. Now I'm being harassed and stalked almost?
I was so nervous and had to head out for the day. Pins and needles. What if I saw him, what do I do? That is when I became 'affected'. I was feeling vulnerable now and on edge. I left the house anyway and headed where I needed to go. No sign of him at all. He was on foot apparently and so was I.
It was really unnerving to constantly look behind you and watch every single person that is in your line of vision. I shouldn't have to feel that way.

Another thing that came to me after it actually happened... I did see him Tuesday, unknowingly.
I was about a block from my house, lots of traffic and people, almost rush-hour. A guy on a motorcycle stops at a red light and is turning down towards my house. I'm checking out the bike, minding my own business. I know another man who 'rides', so it could be him - except this man is all about safety and wearing everything you should when on the bike. This guy I saw Tuesday was only wearing a helmet, jeans, t-shirt and black boots (not the typical riding ones), steeltoes maybe. Libra likes to think he's a 'badass' so he doesn't follow the rules. He also drives a Harley, I know a Harley when I see one - or hear it! It was definitely him.

I was behind him facing the red light, he physically turned his body around to stare me down for about 5 minutes until traffic cleared and the light changed green and he was able to turn. He turned around quickly again to me and then sped off into his turn, heading down my street, trying to show off. And actually almost ate asphalt!

Again, this all hit me after it happened. Then the texts and creepiness on Thurs and again on Friday.
It's now Monday am - I have not heard a peep from him since. I'm assuming Thursday and Friday were his 'off' days from work. He is now probably preoccupied with work and baby and girlfriend at home and unable to 'communicate'. I know the routine.

Lesson here is - some people never change. So ladies, when a DM reappears even 6 months later, be forewarned and cautious. Sometimes, the DM is even worse than what you remember. And can actually turn dangerous.

My horoscope for that week even said I would be offered a deal of some kind by someone and to be very cautious in those dealings. I can only relate that to Libra.

Lots of love to everyone!
Happy Labour Day.; September 1, 2014 at 8:19 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Ms Mirror and all the ladies,

Lottie here……I wrote a while back about a scorpio Doctor I had dated for 3 months last year….one who had come into my life. It is 6 months since we last communicated. I always thought that I would be able to come back to this blog and say that he returned and regale you all with stories of how I handled the situation. That’s not the case.

The last communication from Scorpio after he had dumped me and after I had laid all my feelings on the table was “that he did not feel the same and if we could still be friends” …the mind boggles. I walked away wishing him all the best for the future …knowing in my gut that things would have gone from bad to worse if I had stayed in contact.

As an aries to not do do something after that was so difficult for me but I maintained no contact. It was so confusing in the early days after our breakup…I had such strong feelings for him…ones that I thought he had as well.

I found Ms Mirror’s site….and it had all the answers I needed on there. It took me a while but eventually my rose tinted goggles came off and I began to see the situation for what it really was.

He was a player with a huge ego and was very insecure. He pulled all of my emotional strings. He said he never really had to make an effort to attract woman. Although he was the one who had contacted me. [My mother had signed me up to a small community matrimonial site, which I had completely forgotten about and he had got my details from there ]

He hinted at marriage very early on, he mentioned that I did not call him [I knew instinctively not to pursue him]. The first time we slept together about the 5th date…he never contacted me after and I ended up calling him 2 days later…all upset. [walked right into that trap]. He was all apologetic….but now I know that’s what he wanted to see.

He voluntarily met some of my family, he talked about going away but never followed through on it. We hardly spent weekends together. So it was no great surprise now, in hindsight, that when I got upset with his behavior…he ended things without any form of discussion.

Red flags flying all over the place!

There was no foundation there for any sort of relationship….let alone friendship.

I didn’t see any of it at the time [I began to sense it but ignored my gut feelings]
When I said I couldn’t be friends and wished him well….. he never wrote anything back. He never wrote back and wished me well for the future or said sorry that things did not work out. It was radio silence. Nothing had got ugly between us. No cross words, no nastiness…no nothing. I kinda felt that no response was a “f*** you then” kinda response instead.

He’s a smart man, an accomplished doctor with strong religious beliefs. I thought I was safe. Just goes to show that they can come in all shapes and sizes.

6 months on….well, I have learnt a lot. I know the mistakes I made and I now know how to handle myself. There was a lot of introspection/reflection and I made some bold much needed life changes. I walked away from a well paid job which was soul destroying. Having been involved with sport for many years…I decided to spend the summer teaching sport in schools and being outdoors. It filled my soul working with children. It provided me with the nourishment I so needed. The summer is at an end and I feel recharged and rejuvenated and ready. I know what I really want now. Not only from a man, but from life in general. I wonder If I would have realized this had I not have gone through this experience?

If I had kept in contact…I’m sure we could have “had” something….half a relationship….some crumbs….more heartache. I don’t want that. I’ve got so much to offer someone.

cont...; September 5, 2014 at 1:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Cont...

Im not going to lie….yes there are times I miss him….but not him per se I don’t think, but more so the great man I thought I could see in him.
So 6 months on…still single [dating but not found the right man yet].

I really thought I’d hear from him, at least a “tap”…just out of curiosity. But nothing. Maybe I didn’t cross his mind, maybe he is embarrassed with his behavior, maybe he’s with someone else.

I know I am in a different place now, I can feel it.
I am not waiting for him, but there is a small part that is curious…I will admit that.
I guess that’s human nature.

It’s all a journey in the end, learning lessons along the way and the end result is not quite where you thought it would take you.

Ms Mirror – May your good work continue. You are a source of great strength in very confusing times. I don’t know where I would have ended up, had I not found your site.

To all the ladies…I send you my very best wishes. Keep well.
Lottie. x; September 5, 2014 at 1:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lottie,
I'm so glad you've returned! You know, this might sound crazy but...I think of all you ladies. Particularly the ones that have shared so much. If they move on, from time to time, many of you ladies are still in my thoughts, so it's good to see you back :-)

"I feel recharged and rejuvenated and ready. I know what I really want now. Not only from a man, but from life in general."

Perfect dear - a fabulous head space to be in.

"I wonder If I would have realized this had I not have gone through this experience?"

Well you know...even though many of the men we discuss here are real turds LOL, I do believe that people come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And that these turds are actually teachers in these situations. They enter your life to compel you to your next level of growth. Believe it or not, I've learned some of my greatest life lessons....from the pieces piles of crap to ever walk the planet LOL ;-)

"the end result is not quite where you thought it would take you."

You've probably heard the old saying, the universe (or God) does not send you what you want, it sends you what you need. And if you need to grow, it will send you the catalyst for that growth..in the form of a turd (man) if need be

I'm so glad to hear from you, it sounds as if you're doing great and you're in a really good place right now, preparing for another new chapter in your life.; September 5, 2014 at 6:20 PM
pisces girl said...: @ Lottie I could swear this doctor you were dealing with almost seems to be the same man as this lawyer I had been talking to up until recently when he too pulled the no response card- "he never wrote back and wished me well for the future or said sorry that things did not work out" yep im still waiting for a response too and it's been 2 weeks now. Granted I was the one who had told him I thought it was best for him to not call me anymore but that's only because he had pissed me off(and he knew it) and instead of trying to pick up the phone and call me to ask what was up or at least reply with something -I got Nothing! I think it hurts more than if someone were to say mean, hurtful things because it is like a big F u -almost like saying you're not even worthy enough to warrant a response. Yeah it sucks especially when you still have some feelings there and even a sliver of hope for future possibilities. For them I realized its a pride thing-they would rather lose someone they had genuine feelings for and a true connection with then let go of their pride. The deeply insecure are always too prideful its a mask that protects their true self and how they really feel about who they are and that's why they find it so hard to let go of their damn pride its a protective mechanism. And they are always right everybody else is wrong.

"He hinted at marriage very early on, he mentioned that I did not call him" yep exactly... he was more excited about the future possibilities early on than i was. My attitude was 'we will see where things go' 'only time will tell' "lets take our time" He also mentioned several times that I did not call him. I don't know if it's more insecurity that these type of men like women to pursue them because it makes them feel better about themselves or if they have just become so accustomed to women doing all the calling and pursuing that they have just become so lazy. Either way being prideful yet insecure and/or lazy are never good attributes or very becoming of any man.

"He’s a smart man, an accomplished doctor with strong religious beliefs. I thought I was safe. Just goes to show that they can come in all shapes and sizes." or as my mom says all that glitters isn't gold. I was attracted to his intelligence and spirituality mainly but sadly that alone does not suffice. Now I know i cant be fooled by the glasses and the use of big words or the profession-none of that matters if at the end of the day they would never be able to put a woman's needs above their own. Book smart is one thing but love smart is another and they may excel in academics and their careers but at the expense of other areas of their lives. When you said its been 6 months since you heard from him that was kind of a wake up call for me because even though its been just 2 weeks now of NC something tells me this one wont be circling back around anytime soon. It probably is for the best but it still makes a girl wonder (does he think about me/miss me) and confused (was he ever even interested to begin with)....actions speak louder than words; September 6, 2014 at 12:01 AM
Scorpiolady said...: Greetings to Mirror and all Ladies here!

I saw Aqua for the first time in exactly a month yesterday. He was with mutual friends and I dropped by to kill some time. Although I had half expected him to be there... I think he didn't expect to see me though. He looked negligent of his appearance, from his looong hair to the way he dressed that I didn't recognise the bottom half of his body (shockingly). This was how he looked when we first met.

Second thing was I barely felt any attraction to him when I saw him. So feelings of missing him all belong to the past. I even felt strong enough to have a laugh with him, but it will be some more time before I am comfortable to interact more with him.

Lastly later at night, right before I checked my social media apps, I thought to myself he might post something (he hardly does) and his posts were there at the top of my feed.

I am glad I'm growing stronger in his absence, working hard to fill the 'voids'. I'm taking care of myself a lot more after I have taken on a new sport, which also eases my anxiety when I used to have an eating disorder too (sports is really therapeutic ladies!).

I feel a lot more at peace than I have had in the longest time and that allows me to focus more on working hard, too.

I am not even concerned about finding a partner right now... it's one of my lesser concerns. Working hard and being happy and friendships to be self-fulfilled is more important.

I have also been catching a lot of 111s, so I take it as a sign to be strong and carry on what I've been doing.

Feel the open-ness of our lives.

Best wishes,
Scorpiolady; September 6, 2014 at 7:07 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ScorpioLady,
"I am not even concerned about finding a partner right now... it's one of my lesser concerns. Working hard and being happy and friendships to be self-fulfilled is more important."

Excellent dear, do what makes you happy. You're working and investing on yourself right now, and it's one of the best investments you can make.

"I have also been catching a lot of 111's, so I take it as a sign to be strong and carry on what I've been doing."

Take it as a sign that you're on the right path ;-); September 6, 2014 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror/Ladies …Lottie here..

@ Ms Mirror
You know, this might sound crazy but...I think of all you ladies. Particularly the ones that have shared so much.” – Ms Mirror – It’s not crazy, it shows just how much you care. It’s very touching.
  
@Piscies Girl

I think the Lawyer and the Doctor have certainly been cut from the same cloth!!
You’ve absolutely nailed it. Pride/Insecurity/Laziness….are not the attributes you want in a man. They would rather cut off their nose to spite their face and lose someone very special than say sorry.
What does that say?

Piscies Girl….we can’t help them. Leaving them alone is the best thing we can do for them. It’s the best lesson they can learn. And when they are old and alone and on their last legs and they come back and say they are sorry…we would have done our job. And maybe in their next life… the world will have one less a** hole to deal with it. Stay strong…I know it hurts.

I refer back to my previous post:
“I know what I really want now. Not only from a man, but from life in general." – Ms Mirror – I shall expand on this when I write again.
A few experiences over the summer really helped clarify things for me.

“I do believe that people come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And that these turds are actually teachers in these situations. They enter your life to compel you to your next level of growth.” – Ms Mirror you are so very right. As you know a clairvoyant predicted [Some 4 years earlier] that I would meet a man from the medical profession when I was about 35 …he came into my life 3 months after I turned 36. She described his personality so accurately and even in the reading which was recorded for me she’s says it with such clarity and even herself says “I am not sure where that came from”

This is where it kinda put a spin on things for me. How did the universe know that I needed this lesson…. some 4 years earlier?

My belief that we make our own destiny and are in control of our lives…were kinda turned on it’s head.

Over the summer I got to learn about Toaism…an ancient chinese philosophy. I believe it means 'the way' in Chinese. The way the universe functions, nature behaves, and a person unleashes their potential….and It really struck a cord with me.

It talks about, amongst other things: “What you are good at, and what you are not! In other words, you must know 'the way' you truly are.”

I always wondered why I wasn’t married or hadn’t met the right guy…when all my friends and siblings were settling down…and moving on. It is difficult.
I feel like I am so ready for it. I am ready for the next chapter in my life.

But I accept that there are lessons I need to learn first. I accept these lessons humbly and that the universe has my best interests at heart. And in the process I am learning about myself and who I am too.

Completely off the topic….I have a wedding I am attending today…I have picked my outfit and am getting my hair done…and intend to have a fantastic time and look fabulous. ☺

Stay well.
Lottie x; September 6, 2014 at 9:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lottie,
"This is where it kinda put a spin on things for me. How did the universe know that I needed this lesson…. some 4 years earlier? My belief that we make our own destiny and are in control of our lives…were kinda turned on it’s head."

Well, there's truth to both dear. We are sent messengers and teachers when we need them - AND we are in control of our own destiny at the same time. The key here that ties those two things together, or the differentiating factor - is FREE WILL.

We are the only living creature on this earth that has the ability of free will. We can "freely will" our reality into being. How? Through the CHOICE we decide to make when enacting our free will.

When these lessons arrive, our free will gives us the ability to control the outcome, even without realizing it. One different decision along the course of the journey can make a huge change. It's commonly referred to as the butterfly effect:

"In chaos theory [where "possibility" exists], the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependency on initial conditions in which a small change at one place in a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state.

The name of the effect, coined by Edward Lorenz, is derived from the theoretical example of the details of a hurricane (exact time of formation, exact path taken) being influenced by minor perturbations equating to the flapping of the wings of a distant butterfly several weeks earlier.

Lorenz discovered the effect when he observed that runs of his weather model with initial condition data that was rounded in a seemingly inconsequential manner - would fail to reproduce the results of runs with the unrounded initial condition data.

A very small change in initial conditions had created a significantly different outcome."

"What you are good at, and what you are not! In other words, you must know 'the way' you truly are.”

Yes dear - your TRUE self. When you are in tune with your true self, you literally start vibrating at a different frequency here in our 3rd dimension...our 3 dimensional world. And when you raise your vibration level (to achieve "enlightenment") others on that same frequency will be drawn to you. When you shine as your true self, you will eventually attract like minded individuals and situations right back to yourself. You will walk your path and you will not defer from it or take any shortcuts because you will remain true to yourself...and eventually, you find your on your way, and things just start falling into place - without your intervention or the need to "do, do, do" in order to make them happen :-); September 6, 2014 at 10:11 AM
SouthernBelle said...: Aphrodite,

Thank you so much for your advice. I've continued to wait it out after he ignored my last reply to him...after 2 weeks, my phone woke me up this morning. He Face-Timed me, called me, and then text me. His text said that he was just wondering if I was going to church because he thought about going. Last semester, he would ignore my attempts to invite him to church, later telling me he thought it was too hypocritical and promised to go with me this fall semester. I guess he's trying to figure out a way to see me? How do you feel about 2 weeks before texting me again and blowing up my phone with 2 calls and a text? I'm trying to not get too excited, and I feel so cruel ignoring him asking to go to church (he probably knows this is my soft spot...he is probably afraid he f'd up majorly by ignoring me), but I know it must be done!

I thought I had lost him for good. I thought he was the kind that would just disappear. Honestly, I know you're very intelligent, but I didn't look for it to work. I'm honestly not believing what my phone says. I'm so happy that I have your article to teach me!

What would you do? Call him or text him after 3 days? Thank you again. :); September 7, 2014 at 11:06 AM
SouthernBelle said...: Oh, I have more updates, Miss Aphrodite. After the two calls and one text this morning, he called me again after lunch. He then text me again 30 minutes later. He said, "Call me if you get the chance kid" Kid? Lol. He's showing his butt! 3 calls and two texts...all because I haven't answered him? Calling me kid to make himself feel better? It's actually quite wntertaining to know I'm at the front of his mind and he can't control it. Karma is a b**tch. So no matter what he throws at me, you would wait 3 days? A call or text? What do you take from his reactions? I look forward to your advice! Thank you so much!; September 7, 2014 at 6:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Lottie @Ladies,

I too believe and know we all have free will and a decision, life choice can change and shape our lives dramatically...

Funny about Clairvoyants me and my friend were having this discussion. She actually asked the clairvoyant who consistently gave her more or less the same reading over a long period of time about a certain guy and she said that your destiny is predetermined. However, she contradicted herself as when my friend asked her about taking a certain course of action she said that the guy would be gone for good basically. So in theory if her free will caused her to make this decision then the outcome would be different and she would not be with the guy should she take this course of action (hope that makes sense!!) I think they're seeing into the future at that point but then if someone makes a decision according to their free will then this example illustrates that the prediction could change and is not predestined to argue the point.

...but I believe there is a much larger context and complexity involved here and it is more about our spiritual lessons and evolution and what I do believe IS predestined is our life lessons...and our whole journey is about aligning with our true selves and our true spiritual path...

For example, take the life lesson of self worth, we will continually attract lessons, obstacles, challenges and most of all people and MEN who are going to expose our wounds and be the teachers like Ms Mirror has said therefore act as the stimulus or triggers if you like to propel us on our spiritual journey of healing and enlightenment. These Men in a sense are exactly what we need at this point in our healing they are almost like a energetic match or blueprint to provide the vehicle of learning that we need...

Relationships in this light can be a wonderful source of healing however, most of these men you hear about on here are so wrapped up in their defense and ego that they are avoiding the gift of healing that is right before them for their journey of healing too...

This is not our problem, like you said previously the best thing you can do is leave them, you leave them to be lost in there own misery.... but you take what they've taught you graciously and thank them in a way because you are moving on to much better things and much better people, as you vibrate at a higher vibration through learning the lessons that have been brought before you by the universe via your souls desire.

Your soul wants the best for you but the way it works is generally through pain and learning and these Men are part of the plan really...

So going back to your reading and the Man who was predicted 4yrs ago, well I think this was predestined but only in the sense that it's illuminated a life lesson of your soul (whatever it maybe...). I think it is the life lesson that is predestined and important here, it is up to us and our free will whether we chose to learn it or not...

So your clairvoyant she's seen this man in your future and at that point it is predetermined and this is what came into fruition. Sometimes free will can change things, not so in your case as the man she described to you came along. Had free will changed things from either side then you will have been sent whoever or what ever is appropriate for you to learn your life lessons and shine like the diamond you are.

I myself have struggles, trails and tribulations with these DM egotistical men and the like but I'm on the journey and believe that my post to you has been inspired by my soul and I hope it helps.

Love to all...; September 8, 2014 at 8:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SouthernBelle,
"So no matter what he throws at me, you would wait 3 days? A call or text?"

It's a personal decision dear, the choice is yours. Use what you've learned and discovered and listen to your gut when making it and it won't steer you wrong :-); September 8, 2014 at 8:49 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror/Anonymous Sept 8th /All…Lottie here,

Thanks Ms Mirror for your feedback…it was very insightful. I went on to read a bit more about the “butterfly effect” because it is something I have not heard of before.

“A very small change in initial conditions had created a significantly different outcome." - I think I will be more aware of this now.

Ms Mirror..I must admit I have gone into my shell over the years, and I worry a lot more about things that I can sometimes convince myself out of doing things. I think it’s because I am fairly sensitive. Don’t get me wrong, I have come a long way from the shy…quiet girl I once was…and I feel like I have done some really great things that have taken me out of my comfort zone…like only today I found out I was on TV after doing a short interview which I completely forgot about. But I just feel that my confidence has been knocked a bit over the years….and I am a bit weary to try new things.

Actually Ms Mirror…I think it’s more than that. I think I don’t stand up for myself enough. I keep quiet sometimes and I know that where I should have said something …I kept quiet and let the moment pass….purely out of fear I suppose. You know most times I have a feeling I am thinking what most people are thinking…but nobody says anything. But speaking up could make the world of difference. I know what I am good at…. So I know I can do this effectively without it causing a storm.

So I envy people who are able to speak so freely and honestly without fear. And you know Ms mirror….I think I have some good things to say….and it would be a great shame to go through life not being able to express them. But I guess what comes with that as well is that I would have to open myself up…and that is scary.

Ms Mirror I think I have been a closed book for as long as I can remember. I just thought it was my personality....But I think I was protecting myself as I was so sensitive.

You see with Scorpio…he was the first person I was ever able to open up too. He probably thought I was a closed book, but I began to share things with him slowly….and voluntarily. It was a lovely connection and a great feeling to be able to do this.
I am not condoning his bad behavior…and I can certainly never overlook it, but I can understand now why it is taking me longer to get over him than I would have expected.

For me to be able to voice my opinion without fear…. would be so liberating. I know it is a lifetime’s work for me…but tomorrow I will take my first conscious step. I have the perfect situation where I need to say something to a group of people….basically saying “I feel a bit out of my depth here with the direction they are going in”. I don’t need to say this…I can let this slide, but I fear in life I have let too many small things slide.

Ms Mirror…please accept my apologies …because I am only coming to these realizations as I write this, so I am not sure how coherent I am sounding. It is almost like a wake up call for me.

@Anonymous Sept 8th 8:43. Your posts sounds very much as if has come from a deeper level and I think I understand what you are saying about how our free will can change our future.

I guess in some way we can write our destiny/future to some extent?

“For example, take the life lesson of self worth, we will continually attract lessons, obstacles, challenges and most of all people and MEN who are going to expose our wounds and be the teachers like Ms Mirror has said therefore act as the stimulus or triggers if you like to propel us on our spiritual journey of healing and enlightenment. These Men in a sense are exactly what we need at this point in our healing they are almost like a energetic match or blueprint to provide the vehicle of learning that we need” - I think it makes perfect sense…and I can so see where my growth is needed and only now I have come to such a realization.

Cont...; September 9, 2014 at 8:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Cont….

“Your soul wants the best for you” – Yes…and I feel conflict within myself when I go against my soul.

I think part of the battle sometimes is knowing what lessons we need to learn…or what areas in ourselves we need to improve on. I think that is the first step towards growth.

Best wishes to all.
Lottie.; September 9, 2014 at 8:10 PM
Anonymous said...: hii
i'm kind of in the same situation but with some difference ; i have a friend and then he told me he has a crush on me i didn't let him that i have crush on him too so he got upset and stopped talking to me so i confessed but didn't show that i'm crazy about him or something ...anyways , now he doesn't talk to me he told me he knows i don't like him and that hurts him and said that maybe we should stop communicating so i told him just tell me if you want to stop talking to me forever and he said he doesn't know and he is disappointed i asked him why he doesn't believe me anymore he said he is replanning things in his life and we'll talk about it and then just started to ignore my messages i waited 5 days and then sent him : you are still alive , right in order to check on him until now he logs in but doesn't answer my messages ..what does this mean what shall i do; September 10, 2014 at 1:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 10, 1:10 PM,
Read the section in this article titled "What To Do When Your Man Disappears." That will help you :-); September 10, 2014 at 5:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror,
Thanks for your article, it's really helped me. I think I have made every single one of the mistakes you have spoken about. I have shown my hand to a Libran man and he knows I'm crazy about him. ( I'm a cancer). And, shocker, he has pulled away. He always answers my texts straight away but now he never initiates texts and I feel like he likes the fact I'm there. I know the score about Libran charm but this ones a keeper. I like him a lot and I'm fairly sure he likes me but is playing his cards pretty close. My question is this, if I pull back will he follow me? He can be stubborn and in the past when I've pulled a hissy fit and called his bluff about ending the relationship his answer was "ok" no hard feelings. ". I think he knows I wasn't serious. I guess I'm worried if I distance myself he will see it at playing games. Like I said, I really like him so what should I do. Disappear totally, only text every week or so??? What do you suggest?; September 11, 2014 at 10:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 11, 10:05 AM,
"if I pull back will he follow me?"

If he's genuinely interested and cares for you - yes. If he's only half-interested and/or doesn't want a relationship - then no. But that's the beauty of this dear. Instead of worrying and wondering...you receive the answer. There are no guarantees in life, but if you take that route, you will receive an answer.

"He can be stubborn and in the past when I've pulled a hissy fit and called his bluff about ending the relationship his answer was "ok" no hard feelings."

Fine. Then you stick to your guns and you walk. When you don't, he'll take advantage of you because he will construe that as a weakness. When someone says they're fine living without you, then you don't want to be with them anyway (unless you want to beat your head against the wall attempting to try to force someone to want to, which never works).

So when he says he can live without you - then you WALK, and you show him a CONSEQUENCE of that decision. You don't try harder to control the situation, you don't shower him with more attention for treating you poorly. If your dog pees on the floor, would you give it a treat for doing so? Would you reinforce that bad behavior with a reward? Probably not. You'd place the dog outside, and away from you to signal that behavior isn't acceptable.

Likewise, when people treat you poorly and take you for granted, you do NOT reward them for that with more of your attention. You instead place them "out" and away from you as a CONSEQUENCE of that behavior:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

And you make them live with their own decision. Because a man who could care less if you're in his life or not...isn't a man you want to be dating or placing time and energy into in the first place.

"I think he knows I wasn't serious"

That's probably because you don't follow through with a consequence dear. When you do that, it becomes nothing more than an idle threat...that has absolutely no consequence. And when you make idle threats, people don't take you seriously :-(

"I guess I'm worried if I distance myself he will see it at playing games"

Who cares how HE sees it? Obviously HE isn't worrying about YOU when HE says things like, "okay fine." If you don't look out for yourself dear, and you're more worried about other people than you are about yourself...you'll set yourself up to be victimized by that individual and taken advantage of.

YOU are what's important. You're emotional well being. He is just a man, and there are many of them out there. Don't worry about what HE thinks about YOU. HE should be worrying about what YOU think of him.

"what should I do. Disappear totally, only text every week or so?"

I wouldn't text him at all. If you're dating a man that you feel you have to contact to remind him you exist, then he's not the right man for you dear. Because the right man for you...will WANT to contact YOU, and you won't have to remind him that you exist:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html; September 11, 2014 at 11:12 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi thanks for your reply ( I just published again thinking you hadn't got my question so please ignore). Yeah I know everything you say is right, I guess I just needed it spelt out. Ok, I asked for advice so I'll follow it. I'll update you how it goes. :); September 11, 2014 at 11:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello , thanks for your advice and articles they are awsome i read about no contact rule but i don't know how should i apply it in my situation as i told you he started ignoring me because he thinks i don't really like him so he got mad and now he is ignoring my messages and refuses to reply the last time we spoke he told me he is thinking and he is hurt because he knows i don't really feel the same way about him so i kept telling him that i do like him and asked why don't u believe ..and then i got mad and told him do you want to stop talking to me and his answer was : i don't know and then he started ignoring my messages ! i'm not sending any messages i don't want to sound desperate and i'll apply he no contact rule my question is : if the 30 days are up and he doesn't respond ; shall i send him a message to check in or it means simply he wasn't that interested and i should forget about him and move on; September 11, 2014 at 5:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,

So I met a new man, another Capricorn but he is the complete opposite of my DM. Mirror I have to say I completely forgot what it felt like to be pursued my a real man, who calls me, texts me, and so far seems to be a man of his word. I forgot what a man that is genuinely interested feels like, he is super affectionate, sweet, attentive, worries if I've eaten or not. When a man really wants a woman he will do whatever it takes to get to her, have her, etc. He will move mountains just to be with her. This man saw my picture on a friends phone and asked about me guess he liked what he heard and saw because he wanted to chat with me. I accepted his request and we have been seeing one another. This man has been a complete gentleman, has not gotten fresh or venture into sexual talk. Now I know every man is going to try but he hasn't and it feels great to be pursued by him. I cant stop smiling all day, your right Mirror all I have done is be my open feminine self and he is loving it. He has admitted that he loves the way I am just very happy, loving, and feminine. I have not made myself so available to him and he likes my humor, even the jokes I crack on him. He has a 4 year old son so dating a man with kids would be different for me but he seems to want me in his life but we shall see how it goes. No expectations just enjoying our time together, not trying to make the same mistakes I did with my DM.

Speaking of the disappearing douche, I finally came face to face with his wife ( the prego one he was forced to marry). I finally figured out the reason why they are together, she is his counterpart. They are both, immature, spoiled, rich brats that throw tantrums when they don't get what they want. Birds of a feather flock together!!!!!!! He isn't good enough for me and they deserve each other. Needless to say no one else seems to like her either, not even his own mother. His mother said she will be keeping distance from them, seems to be lots going on she doesn't like. Oh well he made his bed.....

Mirror when is the right time to introduce sex into a relationship especially when you want like the man and want a serious relationship? He seems to want something serious as well and wouldn't dare start all the sex talk I think in fear that I would walk away from him. What do you think?

-- Jennifer; September 19, 2014 at 4:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jennifer,
"Mirror I have to say I completely forgot what it felt like to be pursued my a real man, who calls me, texts me, and so far seems to be a man of his word. I forgot what a man that is genuinely interested feels like"

It's nice isn't it? The complete opposite of dealing with a jagoff LOL ;-)

"your right Mirror all I have done is be my open feminine self and he is loving it. He has admitted that he loves the way I am just very happy, loving, and feminine."

Men love feminine energy - it's really that simple.

Which is why attempting to take control of a relationship, trying to zip it along or steer it into a specific direction, can be so detrimental to a budding relationship - because it's the exhibition of masculine energy, which is the exact opposite of what men are attracted to.

"Mirror when is the right time to introduce sex into a relationship especially when you want like the man and want a serious relationship?"

When he has PROVEN himself genuinely interested, mature and trustworthy. At that point, it then becomes acceptable to become a bit vulnerable and open yourself up to him. That doesn't guarantee a happen ending...life happens, ya' know? But that is the natural progression of a relationship. And you're in a much better position at that point than you are if you do that prior to him proving himself to you.

"What do you think?"

I think you should just keep moving forward at the pace you're currently moving with him, continuing to be your true feminine self and enjoying the time spent and the gentlemanly treatment. I don't think you should start worrying or plotting when to have sex. I think that when things grow organically at a nice slow, steady pace...when the time is right, both parties just instinctively know it - and when it's meant to happen, it happens :-); September 20, 2014 at 9:19 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi There
I have been seeing a guy who is pulling this on me throughout the 4 months I have been seeing him. We went on a trip together and had a magical time, and he was totally into me. Then he didn't call me for 2 weeks once we got back, during that time I was going nuts but I did not contact him. When he finally called on Monday I let it go to VM, then the next day he called again and hung up. I waited called him back on Friday, and used the script in your article, but I think I sounded nervous. Anyway, what is the rule of them calling you back. He hasn't yet and am afraid he won't since I called him back.
I felt in control when I didn't call him back and now I feel at his mercy and having panic attacks. I know the red flags but I feel like a drug addict waiting to get my fix by him. My head knows he is a jerk, but my emotions are out of control. I cry because I don't want to feel like this and I like him at the same time. It is messed up. I want to let him go, i know he is not treating me well. How can I stop this.
Thank you for any advice!; September 20, 2014 at 7:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 20, 7:16 PM,
"what is the rule of them calling you back. He hasn't yet and am afraid he won't since I called him back."

There aren't really any hard and fast "rules" here dear. It's more about maintaining your dignity, maintaining your emotional balance and knowing when to walk away.

"How can I stop this."

Let go of the the fantasy of "what might have been" and instead, focus on the reality of "what is." Because currently, "what is" is - he has been inconsistent, unreliable and ignorant from day one. He's been disappearing and resurfacing since the day you met him. He's not stable, he's not consistent, he's not thoughtful, he's not reliable - and he's not Prince Charming, ya' know?

So there's really nothing to "long for" here about him. He's really got nothing to offer a woman dear. And because of his inconsistency, he's probably not able to fulfill the emotional needs of a woman. If dating a man like this is this nerve wracking...being in a relationship with a man like this could easily send a woman reeling into a pit of self-doubt and anxiety.

Be thankful you're not in a relationship with a man like this dear. Don't long for that, don't wish for that. Like that old saying goes, "careful what you wish for." He's been an inconsistent flake since day one...and no woman really truly deep down wishes for a man like that to enter her life. So just try to recognize him for who he truly is, and forget about who he might have been. Let the fantasy go, and live in the reality. And be thankful you're not in a relationship with a guy like this :-); September 21, 2014 at 9:49 AM
Anonymous said...: MoA- Thanks so much for your response, it is such a hard thing to hear and to sink in. I don't know why I am so resistant. I think it is fear of what is out there. I am 48, which I still can't wrap my brain around, never married, I pretty much look the same and definitely feel the same as I did in my 30s, wiser but still like to be active and do fun things. I look on match.com and the rest of the sites and guys my age don't look like what I want to date, like my high school science teacher and the ones that don't, aren't interested in gals their own age. I don't know where to meet single guys anymore, carousing the bars isn't an option, and it is hard to find single girlfriends to do things with as well, so I find myself on my own more than I like. Letting his guy go scares the crap out me that he is the last one, it was 8 years since my last relationship, which was my fault for not putting myself out there and I don't have that time to waste. Scared I am going to wake up old. So maybe I am putting up with BS that my younger self would never have because of this. Trying to keep my mind open to possibility. Thanks again for your wisdom.; September 21, 2014 at 5:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi I've just text my libran man that I won't be treated badly, that taking three days to acknowledge my texts never mind reply to them is not ok. I've told him that if he wants me around he needs to treat me decently. I kept it brief and polite. He tried to make light of it but I told him that I expect to be treated as I've treated him. I didn't bitch or moan or lecture. I just set out what I want. Now I'm waiting for him to make contact. After reading your articles I'm determined not to cave in as I have before. I guess I've reached my limit and if he doesn't reply then I guess that's fine too. I'm hoping he will because I really like him and he's not such a bad bloke, but reading your blog has made me realise that I have to set my boundaries and stick to them or I won't be respected. I'm guessing he thinks I'll crack first but I won't this time. Thank you for you advice on this site. It's made me realise I have value and I deserve to be treated well. Sending that text made me feel,like I'm in control for the first time in ages. I waiting to see what he will do, but I'm not sitting by my phone I'm getting on with life. If he calls then great, if he doesn't then it's his loss. Thanks for helping me see that x; September 22, 2014 at 4:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror, I have a conundrum for you and I could REALLY use any advice you have for me on how to proceed here...

A few months ago I met a guy (a friend of my sister's) at a gym I go to, we didn't start talking until late August when we both realized we had online dating profiles. Since then we have been talking consistently, hanging out consistently and going on dates consistently. He is well-liked but introverted, extremely sweet and thoughtful man, one that makes excellent relationship material due to his consistency and thoughtfulness (26-year-old INFJ man, if you're familiar with MBTI and a Libra, while I'm a couple years younger, an ENFP and a Taurus). About six dates in he told me he wanted to be exclusive and started telling his coworkers and friends that I was his girlfriend. He's only "disappeared" once for a day (he was really busy) but I followed your advice to a tee, Mirror and it worked like a charm in reeling him back in ;)

The kicker is: when we first starting talking at the beginning of September, he told me he had booked a flight to Europe, to go travel and explore and he didn't know when he would be coming back. He had said at first he might not ever come back (now he seems to be telling friends "I won't be gone forever") but he is very open to going wherever the wind takes him in that sense. I can't ever be the one to stop his quest for personal growth and exploration so I've been trying to be extremely accepting and supportive of his decision to pick up and leave. But it's also been very hard on me too because I know our time together is basically limited to a month, and every time I have to leave him I have a great time but I end up feeling so sad because I know he is just a temporary addition to my happiness :(

We already established that we wouldn't be doing long-distance (especially because we've only been together for a month) but because it wouldn't be fair to each other. He's leaving next week and I don't know what else to do or tell him in terms of trying to "keep him", I think it may very well be impossible in this situation, and it's probably not very healthy to think that way anyway. I feel I should just focus on letting him go and living my life. He is just so wonderful, we have amazing chemistry physically and mentally and this relationship has just been so otherworldly in terms of how easy it is with him. I am so sad to lose him and see him go. What would you do in this situation Mirror, to give myself the best chance for us in the future, should he come back? Should I stay in contact with him while he is gone? Ask for space to get over him? Please advise. This man is amazing.; September 24, 2014 at 2:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 24, 2:54 PM,
"What would you do in this situation Mirror, to give myself the best chance for us in the future, should he come back? Should I stay in contact with him while he is gone? Ask for space to get over him?"

Well...I must admit, I'm a bit suspicious about something. I don't want to burst your bubble here, I imagine this guy is a good man. BUT...here comes the but LOL...his WORDS aren't lining up with his ACTIONS. And that makes me wonder if this man really even knows what he wants in the first place...or if he's instead simply "living in the moment" and going with the flow when he speaks.

Here's what doesn't add up:

"six dates in he told me he wanted to be exclusive and started telling his coworkers and friends that I was his girlfriend"

That's great - but it was super fast, which is a red flag :-( Generally, it takes about 4-6 months for folks to truly fall in love. Anything prior to that is generally lust and sexual attraction, which many confuse with love.

And here's what doesn't add up:

"when we first starting talking at the beginning of September, he told me he had booked a flight to Europe, to go travel and explore and he didn't know when he would be coming back. He had said at first he might not ever come back...he is very open to going wherever the wind takes him in that sense."

Hmm. He seems impulsive dear. And while that's an advantage to many things in life, it's a disadvantage when it comes to relationships. Because when you behavior impulsively and inconsistently in relationships, you put them at risk. And when you put them at risk, yet you request an exclusive relationship, that's self-defeating behavior. Your impulsiveness interrupts your relationship, and places your bond at risk.

He's being impulsive in life and relationships and love. He's saying I love you impulsively and too soon. He's asking for a relationship impulsively and too soon. And he's taking off impulsively and too soon.

I mean...if you know you're leaving for a while and might never come back, or at the very least you're willing to entertain the idea of not coming back - then clearly you're in no position to be settling down into a permanent relationship - so why ask for one, ya' know? Why ask for an exclusive relationship that you're not going to be around to be a part of? That doesn't make sense.

And why then turn around and establish that if it ends up long distance, all bets are off, the relationship is off? Don't you think it would have made more sense for him to have kept things casual, knowing that he was leaving? That's where his word are NOT lining up with his actions dear - and that is a red flag, I'm sorry to say. Only in this case, it's not a red flag of a liar or a bad man...it's a red flag that this man is impulsive in many areas of his life and that, because of that, his words are not to be taken seriously...because he can impulsively change his mind at any given moment, ya' know? His impulsiveness makes him unreliable and inconsistent. And when it comes to relationships dear, those are deal breakers. Relationships don't work under those constantly changing aspects :-(

Cont...; September 24, 2014 at 5:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I think what's best dear is to accept that he's gone, and that this was a brief affair for now. That doesn't mean that that can't change in the future. It simply means that for right now...this is the reality, and it'll do you better to accept it, and to not wait around because he's already freed himself up when he leaves and established that HE isn't going to be doing that either...and to carry on with your life as best you can with the knowledge that - if it's meant to be, it will be. Somehow, it will be. A lot can change between then and now, so remain calm, accept things as they are, don't blow up or get angry or overly emotional with him. Support him, thank him for the time spent, wish him well and send him on his way dear.

It's like that old saying, "If you love something, set it free. If it flies back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was."; September 24, 2014 at 5:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, thanks for this article. I have to say I followed these rules before even finding it, because I have been hurt in the past and I am quite a taciturn cappy, it's very rare I let my guard down with a guy. I've dating this man for little over a month and we had recently become intimate. It was light and fun and I made it clear I was in no rush to get into a relationship, however I suggested we get sexual health checks so that we were both at ease and I could find suitable birth control. He agreed but then suddenly became 'busy' and 'stressed out' the following week. I asked once and he diverted the conversation back to his problems, for which I was understanding but not too inquisitive. I haven't hunted him down about it and pulled away when I sensed him doing that. It's been now 10 days since our last contact and 2.5 weeks since I've seen him. I've since been tested and come back clear but these are huge red flags for me and I think I will have to end things if ever he reappears. Not only is the behavior strange for a grown man, but downright rude (he knows he is leaving me hanging about his results). I can only deduce he has an irrational fear of getting tested...? He was very attentive and was the one pushing for a relationship during our courtship. Or do you think this is the regular "hit and quit" 360 that players do when they lose interest, sped up by my request. I'm not in love with him and I have other prospects to date but I'm just interested in your view. Thanks for the great article, you are a lighthouse in the rocky waters many women face with immature men!; September 24, 2014 at 6:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 24, 6:09 PM,
"He was very attentive and was the one pushing for a relationship during our courtship"

Pushing for commitment and a relationship...or pushing for sex and physical intimacy?

"Or do you think this is the regular "hit and quit" 360 that players do when they lose interest, sped up by my request."

I think his timing is a bit suspect, it was very early in the relationship to be pushing for anything. True commitments tend to grow organically, slowly over time. When men start to "push" for anything very early on, you kinda' have question their motivation for doing so. Why the urgency?

Because things that start to burn fast and hot, tend to burn out just as fast, ya' know? Those situations tend to become brief 1-3 month affairs and not long term committed relationships.

And if he disappeared after this situation, that could signal a couple of possibilities. He was possibly pushing for sex, but when he realized he'd really have to "give" in order to make that happen (with a test), he bolted because he realized this wasn't going to be easy. Or, he may have disappeared because he never got the test done in the first place. Or, he may have disappeared because he does have an STD, that he's got no intention of revealing. There are other possibilities, but those are the first few that spring to mind, given this particular situation.; September 25, 2014 at 8:42 AM
Anonymous said...: "Pushing for commitment and a relationship...or pushing for sex and physical intimacy?"

A little bit of both. He was very flirtatious but I am by nature too though. Soon after we were first intimate, we had "the talk" (a conversation that HE wanted to have) and I said I was enjoying our time together but didn't want the boyfriend/girlfriend label to happen too soon, and he said he was at a stage in his life where he was looking for something more long term (adding, "I hope that doesn't freak you out") so in that sense he seemed to view us a potential future partners while I was letting things flow naturally with the dating. Pushing might not be the right word. I mean he appeared more interested in a committed relationship than I was at the start, and persisted with courting me, organising dates and generally moving the relationship forward. He called more often than I did etc, but I didn't feel pressure to become his girlfriend or sleep with him. I thought things were moving forward at their own pace, and when we had sex after a month of dating he was still attentive and gentlemanly on the dates that followed, which is why I found his reaction (or lack thereof) to the STD test bizarre. It was intended to make sure we were 100% comfortable with our sex life and I am now thinking he may have taken it to mean I was looking for more commitment from him? Or perhaps he has an STD or doesn't want to get the test done? For an otherwise pleasant courtship to end with his blatantly ignoring this request does give me pause and make me think he could have been lying the whole time. Or perhaps you're right and he was happy to be a "gentleman" and give, but to get sex, and only up to a certain point. I frankly think it's odd that something that would benefit BOTH of us would be too much of an ask if he actually gave half a cr@p about me. He does have some legitimate external stressors happening in his life, but the timing of this makes it strange. Every message after I followed up on the test had this glaring elephant in the room where he didn't mention it, and I think perhaps he feels awkward and has distanced himself for that reason. I think he doesn't want to take a test and maybe lied about having had one in the past. Part of me suspects he may return with some wishy washy excuses of his absence and hope I will have forgotten about the whole thing. What were your other theories? Do you think he'll ever return, and what would you advise if he does?

Thank you.

Loren; September 25, 2014 at 9:26 AM
Sagittarian Sooz said...: Hi Mirror

Thank you so much for this article, I've been coming back to it regularly to try and keep my resolve but it is waning....HELP!

I met this guy through work 7 months ago...we live hundreds of miles apart but he travels locally to me most weeks. At the time of meeting, I was between trips to my regular holiday destination (I visit the same friends 3-4 times a year) and had met a guy there who I was still in contact with and planned to see again on my next trip to see where it went. I was up-front about the situation, and maybe BECAUSE of that, the new guy pursued me relentlessly for months. After my next vacation, things hadn't moved on with the holiday romance so I gave in and started dating the new guy...

For months it has been amazing. I never felt neglected, contact-wise. We were always planning and looking forward to our next get-together and having lots of in-jokes and banter.

Then I went on holiday again for 3.5 weeks. He texted every single day, just checking in, letting me know he couldn't wait for me to get home. Last week I landed home on Monday morning and he was in town to see me that night. It was a fantastic night...lots of laughter and just an amazing reunion, without saying it out loud, it was clear we had both missed each other enormously.

And then...almost inevitably, a complete change in attitude! Contact became minimal and just polite, not flirty or funny any more. Having read this article, I left him to his space, convinced that Monday had been overwhelming for him, emotionally, and that he would come out of his cave soon. Especially as we had made plans for this week. There was no way he didn't enjoy our reunion as much as I did...I wasn't imagining it!

Given that he works for the same company as me, we can instant message each other...I waited (impatiently) for confirmation of our plans on Tuesday...and at the last minute he did get in touch about getting together that night. Emm, after a week of practically NO contact...hell, no! I told him I would have loved to get together, but since things had been 'off' between us for the past week, I wasn't going to make it. This is the first time I have EVER stood up for myself in this type of situation, normally I become the doormat, rather than risk losing someone...but that then means they lose all respect for you and it ends anyway! So rather than do the same thing and expect a different result, I changed my approach, even though it was tough to do so!

Anyway, he was surprised that I thought things had been 'off', said he hadn't meant to be and he had just been busy. It doesn't take a minute to text someone when you are thinking of them, which I would hope he would be after the time we had last week!

So here I am hoping that he is thinking it all over, and realising that he misses me dreadfully and needs to step up and win me back, but it is SO hard! It's only been 2 days and I am so tempted to tell him that I miss him...I mean, if he is gone for good, what do I have to lose??

BTW I am 41 and he is 46, so we're not kids! He's a Taurus, if that helps!

Should I chop my fingers off to stop myself from texting him?? This is TORTURE :-(; September 25, 2014 at 2:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sagittarian Sooz,
Be patient dear, he my be pulling back to see if he experiences any feelings for you. Unlike women, who "feel" their emotions in the moment....men tend to "feel" their emotions during times of absence - which is why a lot of them pull back after a big step in the relationship of some sort.

If he pulls back and disappears, or the space gets further and further - then you know it wasn't meant to be dear. But if you don't panic and go off the rails at him, chances are he'll circle around when he's ready.; September 26, 2014 at 9:01 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and the ladies,

Update: The advice consistently given from Ms. Mirror to not react, to not chase, to watch (and allow a man to set pace), to take care of ourselves and to continue to live our lives has been some of the top results experienced with my Scorpio communications.

Although communicating with Scorpio has been hard at times for me emotionally, it has also been safe because of my resolve to not get involved with a man who is not single. Since safe = easy in this instance, I’ll accept the (easy) help to learn this skill.

When Scorpio has gotten too heated up, I now back off simply by not responding to him (no “talking” or explaining). When I don’t respond to two texts in a row, he stops; but then days later, he’ll contact me again, to which I’ll respond as a friend.

In the past, I would have gone into panic mode, wasted my energy stressing over it, worried how my non-response was affecting him, felt a physical/painful loss by his lack of contact and then taken chase to make sure he was still “there.” Not anymore.

His so-called girlfriend was away for a few days last week, and I think he thought he’d have the opportunity to hook-up. The Universe again, made it easy for me. My daughter came home the exact same dates he told me he’d be alone. Even if my daughter hadn’t come home, I still would not have crossed that line, but I appreciate the extra help to ensure I was busy and not alone.

When I think this thing is sizzling out between us, Scorpio surprises me with deeper thought and introspection. The Ram Dass and Paul Brunton books I am reading have helped me practice recognizing all of our journeys… and so I continue to observe and live.

Funny Story: Ok ladies, we all have the “things” that turn us on about a guy, right? Well, one of my things is a “truck.” Silly, I know, but when I see it, I take notice. I also want to be with a man tall enough where we both feel comfortable when I’m in heels.

Anyway, the day my daughter came home, I had been up @ 4:30am, worked all day, picked her up at airport, then at home began drinking wine. Two of her gf’s came over, we had dinner and about 9ish, we all went down the street for a drink.

We all have a beer and then two men (my age) start talking with my daughter. She brings one over and he starts chatting me up. Then, the second guy comes over, and #1 has to make calls or something. I’m listening to #2 go on and on about his daughter and her hobby, daughter and school, daughter and whatever, daddy, daddy, daddy, and I start to drift away. He buys all of us another round of drinks, and half way through my drink, I can’t take his chatter anymore and excuse myself to the ladies room.

continued; September 26, 2014 at 6:22 PM

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