Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”

Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man. And never settle for being a booty call. Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods. He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you. He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are. Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating. Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place. Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open. But do this on your time and as you see fit. Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:

“Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
"When we live together someday. . ."
“Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
“I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”

Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished. He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here. In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:

a couple of grunts
some high-fives
and some laughs

Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me? Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you. He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on."

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions. Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:

He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do.

In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate. And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF).

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again. Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook. You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this. You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him. You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention. Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions. You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree. In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies. Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious. Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him. He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him. So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage. And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time. He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back. Nagging and chasing is what he expects. You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects. Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method." And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases. It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring. A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing. So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up." When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack." Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him. If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

Amazon.com Widgets

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:

"Mind Games Men Like Playing On Women" (THIS IS A MUST READ, WRITTEN BY A MAN AND STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH, LADIES)

"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

Comments, Personal Views, Personal Stories, Advice, Suggestions and Discussion on This Site by The Community of Mirror of Aphrodite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

UPDATE 11/18/2014: WE'VE HIT THE COMMENT LIMIT ON THIS POST LADIES. THE SYSTEM HAS REACHED IT'S 5,000 COMMENT LIMIT AND WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT COMMENTS ON THIS PARTICULAR POST. PLEASE VISIT "DATING A DISAPPEARING MAN, REACHED YOUR LIMIT?" TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION. THANKS SO MUCH GALS, IT'S BEEN A REAL RIDE - AND THIS IS QUITE A MILESTONE!!

5004 Comments:

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Gem50 said...: Continued 2 of 2

Well, I stand up from going pee and BOOM! The entire earth moved! Completely shifted off its axis, and I can’t stand up straight. Lol I walk out of the bathroom, my daughter sees me and knows I need to go home. This has never happened to me before, I could NOT stand up straight. I felt like I was falling off the face of the earth.

I pass #2 on the way out and his expression was priceless: WTF happened to her?!?!

Saturday we had the open house and bonfire. When daughter’s gf (who is married) comes in she can’t wait to laugh with me over Wednesday. “You were awesome!” she says.

“What do you mean?” I asked, “ I was freaken’ wasted and had to be walked out.”

“When that first guy was hitting on you, you invited him over to the bonfire and told him to bring his wife – it was great!”

“He was hitting on me? I thought we were just talking.”

“Yeah, and then when he got an attitude because you mentioned his wife, you called him out saying, ‘You’re wearing a wedding ring.’ I loved it!” And then she adds, “Oh, and what about #2?”

“What about him?”

“Is he coming over tonight?”

“Are you kidding me?” I answer, “The look on his face was priceless when I left, the poor guy was terrified.”

“I think he’ll be here,” married gf says.

“Why?”

“After we got you in the car, he took me aside and said, ‘I really like the mom.’”

Oh my goodness. We laughed so much at that! I said, “I didn’t have two drinks, and had to practically be carried out of there, and #2 “really likes” me?? Oy – what is wrong with these guys?”

And about 1 AM, guess who shows up? #2. Unbelievable. My daughter had given him her cell number and he text her after attending a wedding that night. She was all IN to have him over for me.

I laughed when I saw him and told him I couldn’t believe he’d want to come over after how I left the bar. He was gracious.

A group of us talked around the fire for a couple hours until #2 was the last one with me and my daughter. He was a smaller man, and at some points of the conversation his voice had that high squeaky pitch when people inhale helium balloons. Now, there are wonderful people in this world of all shapes, colors and sizes; I honor you all. But I have finally given myself permission to have preferences and be ok with them. So, please understand, I do not intend to offend anyone by my description of what I like. I am just being honest with myself of what it is. I am not attracted to small men just as I am sure there are men who are not attracted to tall women.

At 3am #2 finally leaves. When we walk him from the back yard to the front, I see the biggest freaken’ truck ever parked in my driveway! "Are you kidding me?!?" I thought, and heard laughter in my head with, “Now here's a truck!”

All I could do was laugh… the Universe is certainly having fun with me. :); September 26, 2014 at 6:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"In the past, I would have gone into panic mode, wasted my energy stressing over it, worried how my non-response was affecting him, felt a physical/painful loss by his lack of contact and then taken chase to make sure he was still “there.” Not anymore."

And isn't it amazing...he's STILL there LOL ;-)

"When I think this thing is sizzling out between us, Scorpio surprises me with deeper thought and introspection."

That's because your silence and lack of action, unbeknownst to him, actually causes HIM to TRY HARDER.

"All I could do was laugh… the Universe is certainly having fun with me"

Dating, mating and socializing SHOULD be fun, not anxiety ridden - and I'm glad to see you're able to take it all in stride now, and actually enjoy yourself along the way. Whether it works out or not, you're enjoying yourself and finding enjoyment and humor in the lessons learned along the way.

And maybe the universe is trying to get you to shift outside your comfort zone a bit...maybe it's trying to tell you that good things can come in small packages too...but that a really big truck can kinda' compensate for that LOL!! ;-); September 26, 2014 at 6:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Loren,
He may return dear, and if he does, I wouldn't be so quick to take him seriously. That's a bummer, I know. But he's already proved to you that he's impulsive and a bit inconsistent and unreliable, which are not attributes that positively contribute to a healthy, long term relationship unfortunately.

So when/if he returns, you'll have to hang back a bit and observe his behavior and actions, and kinda' forget the words flying out of his mouth...until both the words and actions start to line up. At that point, you can begin to take him a bit more seriously. But doing so at any point prior to both words and actions lining up, may cost you a bit of pain due to getting your hopes up...only for him to possibly dash them again on reckless impulse :-(; September 26, 2014 at 6:43 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,
You have me in stitches!
Luv ya!; September 26, 2014 at 6:46 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for all the great advice Mirror! It's Anonymous Sep 24, 2:54 PM. I just wanted to clarify a couple things on my situation:

So the flight to Europe was booked before he met me. Like I said I can't blame him for leaving or make him stay, but I don't think it's entirely fair to say he's taking off impulsively when he's been working toward this trip for a year and a half. However, what you said about him not keeping things casual, just living in the moment, and requesting an exclusive relationship when he is going to leave soon, thereby putting our bond at risk...I totally agree with your insights here.

The other day he was mentioning how surprised he is with my lack of dating experience and age (I've only had one other boyfriend) that I was incredibly emotionally mature, stable and confident (all thanks to your articles, Mirror, I'm sure!). But to be honest, I kind of confronted him (not in a freaking out way) but just told him that I thought maybe we were being reckless with each others' feelings, getting this involved when he is about to leave. I told him I didn't want to hurt him and didn't want to be hurt by him, and he said he felt the same way, but he would be back, we would be keeping in contact in the meantime. I also asked why didn't we just keep things casual and the reason he gave was he was following his heart and knew that everything felt right with me (back to the whole "living in the moment").

Mirror, I just don't know how to peg him in terms of words vs. actions, with his whole "wanting to live in the moment" yet he seems so sincere when I speak to him, wearing his entire heart on his sleeve. I am going to try to get on, live my life and date other guys when he is gone as I see fit...I just can't help putting some hope in the fact that he could come back and we could be together again. I feel like some stupid schoolgirl, not emotionally confident at all. What can I do to make this transition easier?; September 26, 2014 at 7:31 PM
Anonymous said...: You are so right! Impulsive is definitely how I would characterise him. Thanks for the consistently spot on advice.

Loren.; September 27, 2014 at 3:22 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 26, 7:31 PM,
It's okay to have hope dear. I'm not trying to dash your hopes. But I am attempting to keep you grounded in the reality - so that your hopes don't rise above what's realistic at the moment - and you don't experience a giant painful thud back down to earth as a result, ya' know?

The best that you can do to make this transition easier is to stay grounded in the reality. And the reality is that he is a bit impulsive, he does tend to live in the moment, he did speed things along when he knew he was leaving, and ended up being a bit reckless with your feelings as a result, even if unintentionally. So you simply have to keep in mind, when he speaks, that...a few days later, he could do a full spin on you into another direction...and you may feel mislead as a result. You have to keep all of that in perspective, so that you don't expect more than he's possibly prepared to give at the moment.

And as with all things in love and life - if it's meant to be, it will be. One way or another, the universe will see to it that things that are meant to be...will manifest into being. The why, how, where and when really isn't your problem, it's the universes problem to align all those things in order to manifest the reality that's meant to be. So if this is meant to be dear...trust and have faith that it will somehow all work out in the end, regardless of the path taken to get there. Don't try to step in and control that process - step back and let the process organically take place...while living your life to the fullest, having faith in that process :-); September 27, 2014 at 10:50 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

I apologise for being a bit off the topic but I will post here as usual.

First of all, I am very sorry about your loyal dog friend, Mirror. Words are useless in such cases... Hopefully, time will help...

Unfortunately, I have no optimistic news to share either. I had been looking forward to the three dates I wrote about but the result is zero. Date no.1 was cancelled by him explaining that his situation had changed and was not going to continue our communication. Okay. Date no.2: I didn´t find him attractive in person. He looked old, sad and tired of life. I even tried to cheer him up but maybe he found me overpowering. We just didn´t click. He was decent, took me to a nice café and behaved like a gentleman. After the date we said goodbye to each other and that was all. Pity but it wouldn´t have worked. Date no.3: He talked about money throughout the date, how all his relatives expected him to support them financially because he holds a lucrative position. He went into a lot of detail about his relationship with individual members of his extended family. I almost fell asleep, I was bored to death. I tried to change the topic repeatedly but to no avail. At the end he asked me to go to the cinema next time and I agreed. But at home I changed my mind and wrote him an apology e-mail. I just can´t make myself see him again. Disappointing, isn´t it?

Recently I have been corresponding with a new man who answered my cycling ad (not the "serious" one). We exchanged photos, he gave me his real name (supposing it´s really him, you can never tell) and I found some info about him on the internet. He is a former professional dancer, a successful representative of our country, who now trains children. I thought: "Fine, a sporstman, he will definitely be a good cycling friend." He writes long, decent, supportive e-mails, really nice and kind. The aim of our correspondence is to meet and go on cycling trips together. We have been corresponding for a few weeks but the weather has been bad. No phone calls. He suggested going to the gym and use a spinning bike in bad weather to which I replied that I prefer cycling outdoors because of fresh air and scenery, but added that I will think about the spinning bike too (I am afraid I didn´t sound too enthusiastic though and I mentioned I had some health problems - true).However, recently the weather has improved and I am fit again. Well, last week he wrote to me that he was travelling and wished me a nice cycling trip at the weekend. At the end of the weekend I wrote back to him about my cycling trip. This week he wrote another long, nice e-mail. I was almost certain he would invite me to go cycling. Well, guess how he ended it - he wished me nice weather and a lot of stamina for a cycling trip during the weekend. I am afraid this is yet again another communication that is going nowhere. Mirror, what do you think? Shall I write to him again or write him off? What would you do?
I am confused.

I wish you all a nice weekend and keep smiling even in bad weather:-)
Hopeful; September 27, 2014 at 3:56 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
I'm sorry you've experienced some disappointments dear. But on the other hand, you seem to be handling them very well and not taking them personally, which is a good thing. Date number one was a flop, date number two lost his zest for life and date number three isn't seeking a date, he's seeking a therapist, he just doesn't know it yet. Such is life though. And rather unfortunate that he blew what was a positive opportunity by not recognizing his behavior.

So now we have potential date number four - and I'm wondering if he's going to turn out to be one of those ones that wants an email/text buddy. I seriously do not understand why so many modern men do not grab the bull by the horns, and instead are so very passive, particularly about dating. They'll go to great lengths to get laid, but they won't lift a damn finger to date. It boggles my mind. Because they don't even have to go to the great lengths they go to, to get laid - many of those one's that are seeking sex seem to forget that there's an entire industry out there devoted to fulfilling those very wishes LOL - but they're so damn cheap. They won't spend $20 on a date, nor will they spend $20 on the working girl...they feel entitled to something for nothing. It just amazes me. And then they expect you to be impressed by them, which amazes me even more.

So, potential date number four....if it were me, I probably wouldn't bother answering back. You can do so if you like, but if a date doesn't materialize within a week or so, I'd move on right past him. Because he either expects YOU to ask HIM out (a sign that he's taking the passive role when dating instead of the lead masculine role), or he's lonely and looking for someone to talk to and probably either lacks the confidence to ask a woman out, or has no intention of garnering anything other than someone to talk to from his efforts on the site.

If you decide to proceed, I'd give him another 2-3 communications to man up...and then I'd disappear if that didn't happen. Just remember to not take any of this personally dear. Online dating and modern day dating in general is a scene full of dating disasters nowadays unfortunately LOL. Too many people are attempting to date without taking the time alone to work out their "stuff" first. And I think that's what results in so many of those disasters - everyone running from their problems and their "stuff" instead of taking the time to walk through it. Many feel it's okay to dump your stuff into another's lap, but it's not. They need to check their baggage at the door. So realize dear that when these situations don't pan out, it's generally because the individual behind them is either not ready, is going about this at the wrong time, is attempting this prior to getting themselves emotionally fit first, or is simply an individual seeking to use others for their own emotional gain.

Keep your chin up. When the chips are down, the only way to go is up :-); September 28, 2014 at 9:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

thank you for your kind and supportive words. Yes, you are right, no woman should take these online men too seriously. I am learning it, too. All this experience is nerve-wrecking though.

This last man is a special case. He is divorced and has a son, so presumably he is not gay, but he could be, who knows? He writes really sweet e-mails in which he either supports me (I should look after myself, my health, vent out stress in order not to fall ill, wrap up warm when cycling in cold weather, etc.) or writes about seeing little animals in the forrest where he goes running or cycling. (He is 50 by the way.) But maybe it´ s because he works with children. Thank you for your encouragement (although quite tentative lol) to give him another chance. You are right, writing an e-mail doesn´t cost me so much.So I am going to produce something right now and I am scratching my head as to what exactly to write to him. :-)

Have a nice, cheerful day :-),
Hopeful; September 28, 2014 at 3:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror:

I am stuck... I have been with a man for over a year and a half. We have broke up twice. I keep leaving the scene because I want a commitment of engagement from him. (We don't live together.) He finally confessed to me today that his credit is bad from his divorce (of 4 years ago), he's having to move in 30 days - (no fault of his own; landlord selling) and stated it's just added stress on top of my 'ultimatum'. I just want some kind of plan instead of living in limbo. We are both in our 40's and I want a future and a life with someone. He said he's committed to me, but can't give me a ring right now and doesn't know when he can because of his finances and having to move.
What would be a fair compromise? I thought about us opening a savings account together for our future "hope chest" so I can see that he's serious about a future I do believe him about his finances - I do think he's in a financial bind right now, but I need something tangible if I am going to wait any further, as well.; September 29, 2014 at 5:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 29, 5:18 PM,
This is one of those situations dear where, you have to decide for yourself if this man is capable of making you happy. Not having money for a ring isn't a reason for not getting engaged. Diamonds don't have to exist to get married, or to be engaged. Some people skip the engagement ring altogether and head straight for the altar. I'm not telling you to pressure him for these things, but I do want you to understand that those things are not an obstacle to marriage.

If you've invested a year and a half and things are not changing and are not progressing and he is unable to make you happy - it might be time to determine if this is a relationship that CAN make you happy at all, ya' know? Because the reality is that you cannot change people. You cannot control them and force them to do the things you want them to do. And you cannot make them want the same things out of life and relationships that you want. THEY have to want that too. It's not about "fixing" the person you're with, it's about finding the RIGHT person in the first place, ya' know?

If you feel he's the right person, and that he wants the same things out of life and out of relationships that you do - then consider a time frame of further investment. Meaning, you've already invested in this relationship for over a year and a half. Naturally, you don't want to invest 5 years of your life, only to regret it. So pick a time frame, without telling him, of further time you're willing to invest before finally walking away to go find someone who wants what you want and can give that to you. Maybe it's another six months, maybe it's another year. The choice is yours. But setting that time frame in your mind, setting a boundary so that you don't waste years of your life on a man that may never want what you want...will see to it that that doesn't happen. Because if you've invested for 2-3 years and nothings changed - chances are highly likely that it never will - and then you know, and you're prepared to do what you need to do to find your happiness.; September 30, 2014 at 7:06 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Anonymous, Sept 29 5:18p,

Ms. Mirror's advice is right on.. and whereas she has addressed your heart and time, may I address your finances because I immediately saw red flags flying ablazed when I read your idea to start a savings account with your guy.

Women are so willing to give everything; we are so strong emotionally that we CAN and DO tolerate, survive and grow stronger from alot of negative things that happen to us. And here's my two-cents: I would not recommend starting a savings account together yet... you are risking too much dear (and I apologize if I sound callous).

When it comes to being able to survive, to pay our bills, to have a home (in whatever form (apt, house, etc)), to be able to wake up every morning at least with a chance for another day to recover from anything bad that has happened, or a chance for another day to just try to enjoy another day, we have to use logic, not our emotions, to build that foundation.

Please don't risk adding your name to a bank account or financial document with a man who is in shaky financial shape. I am not a lawyer or a financial specialist, just a woman who made a decision at the age of 22 -- after losing my first house because of my x-husband's behaviors -- that I would NEVER put my financial security in the hands of another again.

I have seen so many women do it over the years and be harmed financially from it, spending years if not a decade trying to recover.

It hurts me when I see women taking this risk because so often THEY are the ones paying the price after the man "disappears," washes his hands of his responsbilities and moves on :(

I agree with Ms. Mirror, set a date for yourself without telling him, support him, encourage him, love him (while loving yourself) and don't solve his problems nor try to change him. If you do, you will become his "mother," instead of his "woman, partner, lover and Goddess." :)

Step back and let him figure this out. You may be in for a great surprise!; September 30, 2014 at 11:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gem and Anonymous Sep 29, 5:18 PM.
"I would NEVER put my financial security in the hands of another again."

Amen to that LOL. I do not advocate couples financially intermingling themselves legally prior to marriage (another legal contract). Don't co-sign on loans, don't have joint bank accounts, don't buy property, homes or cars together...just don't. Because when things go sour, you'd be amazed at the turn of events that can happen.

While this may all work when you're together and things are going fine...what happens during troubled times or when the relationship ends? What if he gets to the bank account first, and empties it? That old saying about "possession is 9 tenths of the law" - yea, that's very true. Because "ownership is easier to maintain if one has possession of something, or difficult to enforce if one does not."

So picture it like this. You break up. And while you didn't see it coming, he did - and he beat you to that joint account...and he emptied it. He pocketed 100% of the funds, drained the account, and now you find out, he's been tapping into it all along and spending YOUR money on another woman. I realize this is a doom and gloom scenario, but play along with me here, this stuff happens everyday.

So now...he's got YOUR money, and you've got NOTHING. What do you do? Sounds easy to go to court and get the money back, right? Wrong. First off, if you need an attorney, $150 - $200 is the going rate. Expect the attorney to spend anywhere from 5-10 hours on this case if not more. Now you're up to anywhere from $750 - $2,000 on this in legal fees.

Or, say you don't need an attorney, you go to small claims court. Great. That costs maybe $75-$100 in filing fees, which is a lot cheaper. You go to court, and yay! You win a judgment. Yea, that's what you get...a judgment. Not your money...a judgment.

So what's next? Well guess what? You might need that attorney anyway. Because if they don't pay that judgment within 30 days, now you're forced to execute on that judgment and you may need an attorney's help to do so. This involves wage garnishment or personal asset attachment. Your money may begin to dribble in back to you, or, he may quit working altogether or start working under the table so he doesn't appear to have any income. Subtract the attorney fees and all your hassle from that and what do you end up with?

A mess - that may result in you never seeing any of that money again.

Hence, "possession is 9 tenths of the law" because "ownership is easier to maintain if one has possession of something, or difficult to enforce if one does not."

And if you went with the attorney in the first place - same thing. You get a judgment (fancy toilet paper), then you may have to excute on that judgment to see any money. It's just a mess.

And while I may be stale on the laws surrounding this stuff, you get the idea. And yea, guess how I learned all this? The hard way. Because a joint account for a revolving loan that had a $0 balance...suddenly shot up to $10k in one month...and I was not aware of this until 3 months later when the bank started phoning ME for the payments. Turns out, when my ex left, I didn't handle our financial matters quick enough because I was caught up in my emotions and the struggles facing me and behind my back, he drew $10k against that loan with the $0 balance (that was in both our names) and used it to build a custom chopper, a motorcycle. He had the statements sent to his new address (so I had no clue payments were due or that this loan had been used), and I guess he wiped his ass with them, because he sure as hell didn't pay them.

Cont...; September 30, 2014 at 3:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: So guess what ladies?

It's been years...that I've been making the payments on his damn chopper loan.

Because I didn't want to spend the $6k on the fees that my attorney quoted me it would take in hours to handle this case...only to get a judgment...and either spend more money executing on the judgment...or never see a dime anyway because this man doesn't work. Why spend $6k chasing $10k around only to get a piece of paper in the end, a judgment, to wipe my butt with?

He now lives off a girl about 18 years younger than him - that "poor" girl. And I mean literally poor. Just heard a few weeks ago, the bike I'm paying for? Yea, it's gone - poof, disappeared. And guess what? The new girl, who is not his wife mind you, signed on a loan for a brand new, even better chopper to the tune of $30k. And they live together in a home that I imagine she's forced to pay the bills on too because he's unemployed (shocker) - so yay for her!

His mother must be proud. Her 43 year old grown man of a son is sitting on the sofa watching Jerry Springer all damn day while some girl almost 20 years younger than him is out there working her butt off to support him. But hey, he's got a really cool looking bike to drive to the convenience store for some chips to munch on while watching TV all day! And I also heard that bike is a chic magnet...it helped him land the two other women he's cheating on her with now, too.

Moral of the story ladies - DO NOT think that because you're in love...everything will work out.

Hey Gem, thanks for bringing that up - I think I actually needed that rant today LOL!

And ladies, if you see a jagoff covered in bad tattoos zipping around town on a yellow and orange flame chopper...do me a favor. Get in front of him - and "accidentally" dump your hot coffee out the window...preferably at high speeds ;-); September 30, 2014 at 3:47 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

Even though it was 30 years ago, I remember the exact moment I made that financial promise to myself. It was me alone, signing the papers in a lawyer's office for the new owners of the house we had been building for our family. Of course, my x went during the day to sign the papers, but someone had to be there in person signing with the new buyers, so it was me. They brought their two children along with them. As I sat alone at one end of the table, I silently watched these children who would be claiming my children's rooms as their own. My promise to myself remains a flashbulb moment I will never forget.

I am good at not giving advice in person unless I'm asked, and even then, I rarely give it as people often don't take it. But when I see women committing their financial futures to a man, I want to (scream) remind them that our ability to manage our own money (there was a time we couldn't; and in some societies, women still can't) was fought for with blood, sweat and tears by courageous women before us, similar to the women who fought for our birth control rights.

Managing our finances is similar to managing our reproductive choices. If we hand either over to another, we are handing our present and future lives over to them as well.

I am still learning the same applies to our happiness and heart. :)

Reading your story, I am amazed that your x got away with his fraud and my x got away with not supporting our children. I can't help but shake my head at the damage so many people inflict on others and still we find ways to survive and thrive -- your website is one of those ways my dear. I will forever be thankful to you for the path I am now travelling... one step at a time :); September 30, 2014 at 8:07 PM
Anonymous said...: @Gem and MOA,

Thank you for good advice and for the laughs...I love this blog. :)

Adriana; September 30, 2014 at 9:12 PM
chk61 said...: Enjoyed reading the last few posts. I have heard soooo many stories over the years of women bailing men out financially. One of my friends still gets payments from an ex that she loaned $25k to - for his "independent film" venture. Hmm...that wasn't very smart on her part but apparently he has been paying her in small installments over the last 12 or so years! At least, after her cajoling, he IS paying her back!

Other than a couple of times I loaned money to male friends who were in dire need, the only time I gave money to a man I was romantically involved with was a guy I briefly dated (20 years ago!) I remember thinking it was odd that he had a female roommate (much older and much heavier, and I hate to say "frumpier" per the photos on the wall, he was a very fit, good-looking guy with history of a traumatic head injury that he was still recovering from). He ostensibly slept on her couch, in her well-appointed city apartment. Still, I dated him and felt badly for him with his deficits from his accident. Doh, swayed by the handsome face.

He told me he couldn't make the rent one month and I gave him I think $250. He assured me he would pay me back. Well, guess what - that never happened and I found out (I forget how) that his "roommate" was his GIRLFRIEND. He lied to me about that....maybe he lost his moral compass with his head injury?

I realized I would never see the money again and learned a valuable lesson. ;-)

In other news, my D.M. has...Ta-Da!...once again, wait for it, ladies....(drum roll, please) DISAPPEARED!! Wonders never cease! He had emailed me in late August, with a very friendly, cheerful, dare I say even inviting tone, and I replied after three days. There was a bit of email banter and then....Alert the Media!....he dropped the ball. He just stopped replying. As Hopeful pointed out, it appeared he was trying to get me to (again) chase HIM and do all the work. So it appears he was just checking in to see if I was still there, would still respond, etc. I just let it go as I was busy preparing for a two week trip overseas (he knows about this).

I have returned and am still getting over jet lag - but had an amazing adventure in a beautiful foreign land! In the meantime, a work colleague has set me up on a first blind date with a guy that actually sounds pretty promising! That is this weekend, and there are a couple of other new irons in the fire. What Mirror says is soooo true...we gotta take care of ourselves first, stop giving these guys repeated chances to disappear again, and once we believe in our own selves and truly believe we deserve MORE, the Universe listens and everything eventually falls into place. One door closes, and another door eventually does open...

Yesterday I had a chat with a younger male friend who despite having a new girlfriend, thinks about the last girlfriend, "the one who got away." He was sure she would try to re-connect with him but she hasn't, and he said "it is a blow to his ego". He also said, and I quote: "that guy just contacted you to see if you'd respond, basically for an ego boost, and he probably is dating other women. If you leave him alone...he will definitely contact you again."

So, there you have it, straight from the horse's mouth: when you don't chase them, and you don't want them, and you move on with your life, they certainly do NOT forget about you. As Mirror often reminds us, we do NOT need to remind these men that we exist.

Stay strong, ladies....and when in doubt, do NOTHING. Especially, do NOT call, text, or email THAT man. ;-); October 1, 2014 at 11:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61 and The Ladies,
I sense something different about you dear. You have a different, much more positive "air" to you - perfect LOL ;-)

And this reminds me of something I read a while back in the book The Manual, written by Steve Satagati (a self-proclaimed ah-hem.."reformed" bad boy - who is still a real jerk LOL). There were nuggets in that book and one of them sprung to mind when you wrote this:

"He was sure she would try to re-connect with him but she hasn't, and he said "it is a blow to his ego".

I think as women, we don't quite understand what a "blow to the ego" truly is for a man. Much like they don't understand our complex emotions, I don't think women quite understand the male ego. Ego exists in all of us, but for women...we do not feel ego defines us. And men somewhat do. For men, ego is directly tied to their masculinity - and masculinity does define a man. It's the very essence of who they are, who they feel they are.

Take a swing at that, and it's like taking at swing at their very being. It's a direct insult to their masculinity. Much like calling a woman the "C" word is a direct insult to her femininity. It's a blow; it has great impact and it "sticks" with you. Almost to the point of being unforgivable, under any circumstance.

Because bad boy Steve, the author of that book, said something to this effect. He said the worst thing you can do to a guy who dumps you rudely....is to never speak to him again. EVER. Because that "sticks" with them. They do NOT forget that. I think he even put that in parenthesis when he wrote it...as if he were divulging some "man secret" of some sort LOL. I think he said something like, "it eats at them."

My memory may elude me on his exact words...but I do remember the message. It was a strong one. Coming from an attractive dude who's dates tons of women and charmed his way through life...he admitted that the one thing that "got" him, got under his skin.....was being ignored.

And the one woman that mesmerized him the most? What he called a "black widow" - the woman who wanted absolutely nothing to do with him long term LOL.; October 1, 2014 at 11:28 PM
AuthenticScoprio said...: You and Chk61's most recent responses are exactly what I needed to read, Mirror! I've been toying around with the idea of checking my DM's Facebook to see what all is new, but you guys helped me keep my resolve lol. Haven't checked it in months and glad I finally got out of that cycle.

've been going NC since February but I don't think my DM realized I was doing it until May lol. He'd sent a few feeler texts and called without leaving a voicemail, which I ignored. He then sent one last message in May indicating he was "sad" I wasn't responding - ignored that too even though I wanted to count that 4th attempt at contact as him really trying, smh.

It was hard, but I decided to take your advice and not respond to him unless he said something about wanting to talk or apologizing. With the ego that he has and the games that he was playing, I'm not sure if that will ever happen - it's been 5 months since the point I think he realized I didn't plan on responding to him anymore. He might count his weak attempts at contact as him "trying" and since I ignored it, I've committed an unforgivable act and bruised his ego - idk.

But aside from us being a woman that they never forget - I guess it's only the mature ones with a genuine interest that will put their bruised ego to the side and attempt to reconcile/make things right? I do think I could have a conversation with him now, but I feel that I've gained too much power to open up those lines of communication again with no indication that he's willing to talk/or hold himself accountable for what he was doing. I guess I'm wondering how many men just think to themselves "Wow, she got away," and leaving it at that instead of having that thought and then ALSO attempting to "win" her back once they realize their missteps. Seems a waste to realize that a woman was of value and you lost her, but then do nothing about it.; October 2, 2014 at 9:14 AM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror

Thank you for the link to the article about mind games. I have been played like this many times and I must say one thing: I did see through some of the games and the more the man tried to test me like this the less interested I became in him. The author of the article doesn´t take the woman´s perspective into consideration at all. I absolutely agree with the paragraph in brackets you wrote below the link. These games are for childish, immature men and the best thing a woman can do is to avoid them instead of "responding to their testing in the right way they expect of her to. These men are ridiculous, aren´t they?
Hopeful; October 2, 2014 at 2:33 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror and chk61,

I have just responded to Mirror´s post about mind games from quite some time ago, sorry, I wrongly thought it was a recent one. Never mind, though, it´s stll true.

@chk61
I have similar experience. Last year I was supposed to meet a guy from an online dating site. After a short phone communication, I politely cancelled - it was around Christmas, I was busy, had some health problems... He said okay and I never heard from him afterwards. This Septemeber (almost a year later!) he sent me an e-mail asking me out again. I thought: "What a man, wow, I must have missed a good guy last year, he contacted me after a year after I had cancelled the date. What a hero." Guess what happened. I replied to his September e-mail and agreed to meet him. He was supposed to contact me by phone to discuss the details of our meeting and he... d i s a p p e a r e d. So unless something unexpected happened to him, it seems that he just needed to pay me back. Male ego, yes.

Have a nice day,
Hopeful; October 2, 2014 at 2:56 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"So unless something unexpected happened to him, it seems that he just needed to pay me back. Male ego, yes."

And isn't it amazing..you were a virtual stranger to this man. None of this really should've mattered all that much to him, you guys didn't know each other at all.

Yet, one year later - a YEAR later - this man STILL REMEMBERED that. So much so...that he actually took the time to compose another email...only to disappear...A YEAR later LOL!! ;-); October 2, 2014 at 4:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @AuthenticScoprio,
"I guess it's only the mature ones with a genuine interest that will put their bruised ego to the side and attempt to reconcile/make things right?"

Maturity has a LOT to do with it, as does the level of interest the man has in the first place. Mature men do not have egos that are as fragile as those of immature men. A mature man's ego is bolstered by his confidence, so it's a bit sturdier in my opinion. It can still take a blow, but it generally is not the same reaction as an immature man's, which is a reaction that generally includes "overcompensation" - i.e. over the top.

"Seems a waste to realize that a woman was of value and you lost her, but then do nothing about it."

Regretfully, I don't think immature men EVER realize a woman's value - unless they grow up and take a hard look at themselves in the mirror. If they don't do that, they're generally wrapped up in dysfunctional issues surrounding their OWN value and self-worth...that they don't notice anyone else's unfortunately.; October 2, 2014 at 4:24 PM
chk61 said...: Reading AuthenticScorpio's post made me again think of my recent conversation with my single late 30's male friend. He mentioned how he had "lost the power" and did not want to be the one to reach out to his ex-girlfriend because it meant he would be handing over more power to her, thus weakening his position. So much of this "dance" between the sexes is a power struggle and maintaining ego satisfaction.

His ex-girlfriend was 10 years younger and he said it was a big blow to be on the "reduced power" end of the break up, with her being a much younger woman. His current girlfriend, who I met briefly: very attractive, accomplished, and seemingly together, is about 3 years younger. Yet, he still pines after the "one who got away". I am hoping he gets his act together and doesn't screw this new relationship up.

In my case, I am 5.5 years older than my D.M. Talking about our age difference has been interesting: all of the women I have discussed it with say "5.5 years, that's nothing!" but almost ALL of the men have conceded that it definitely would be an issue. I am in the 50+ demographic, the D.M. is still under 50.

Ah well, there is nothing I can do about my birth date. I have felt temptation to contact my D.M. but I realize it will just be more of the same: a very casual relationship where he pops in every few months, checks to see if I'm still there. Heck, he may even let 6 months go by. At MY initiation, we may see each other every few months. I think he is very open to a very casual "friends" type relationship, where I have virtually zero expectations of him (sort of like Hopeful's former cyclist "friend".) He gets his ego boosted, getting attention and perhaps affection from me. If I continue to LET this happen, that's all I EVER get and his opinion of me plummets, because as long as I AGREE to this arrangement, he'll feel free to keep his options open, and will most certainly not be available even as a "friend" once he finds the woman that knocks his socks off.

Any woman allowing a man to string her along in this fashion pretty much guarantees she will be considered "lower value", even if she is an attractive, accomplished and otherwise together person (like me).

A "just friends" thing with him may be possible in the future, I've done it with other exes....but unlikely, because I really want a bona fide relationship at this point.

So, I have a meeting with a new man tonight, a set up by a work colleague. I no longer get nervous as I have been on zillions of dates in my life. I know I can make it on my own, I've been doing it for 50+ years! Yet a healthy relationship would be nice. I don't have any expectations of this new man, how could I? I am going to do my hair, put on a nice outfit, and SHOW UP. ;-) At the least, I'm sure it will be a pleasant evening. ;-); October 3, 2014 at 9:42 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror/chk61 & ladies,

I love your recent insights on the impact NC can have on a man’s ego. I am so glad I have managed to maintain NC because it has taught me so so much and I feel so much stronger for it.

In terms of Ego: When I met Scorpio last year he drove a really high end car. I remember sitting in it for the first time and commenting on how lovely it was.

He was also already in the process of buying another car….but this time a very very small car. He began to use it ALL the time including going to work. One you would never think he would drive at all. I appreciate everyone needs a run around car…but this was a car you might see a little old lady driving.

I didn’t blink an eyelid, because cars and such things are not important to me. However, after the recent comments it made me think…

I think Scorpio may have known his ego was out of control and by driving a smaller car it was his way of showing some humility or proving to himself that he was able to conquer some of his ego.
I know how important cars can be to men.

But it made me think now was this just an act?
I say that because it’s funny as he was never able to put aside his ego /pride for me.

I haven’t chased and I am not upset anymore and I know he will never be in contact. I only hope that my loss may prompt him to look deeper and that in someway he may grow as a result.

Chk61 – “when in doubt, do NOTHING. Especially, do NOT call, text, or email THAT man” – here here!!

I do not think I really ever understood the impact of no contact on a man. I must say, I chose to continue No contact [silence] for my own sanity. After being dumped so abruptly ….and then being told he would “like to still be friends”. As I have said before, it was total confusion. I could sense danger and games and I wanted no part of it. I didn't deserve that.

Silence/NC has been a godsend…do not do it for anyone other than for yourself.

Lottie x; October 3, 2014 at 2:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror- you've helped me with my situation I've posted on other threads about my cap long distance casual guy. I'm at day 32 nc because that was the last time he texted/called me after I saw him in person. Being all the way across the country we have only met up twice. He has relentlessly pursued me for 4 months and I've enjoyed it to the fullest- never chasing or being needy. He's worked really hard in my opinion at getting me- in aug he flew across the country to see me then drove another 4 hours from where he was staying. The night we met I made it clear that I wasn't going to sleep with him then. He knew it and seemed ok with it. When we were together we were intimate but not sex and things seemed great. I told him I would come see him where he was staying and we left on that note. I knew he was going to be very busy so the plan was up in the air, nothing set. Well I got two smiley texts after our meeting then nothing more :( my question is this- he was just so close - why would he give up on me at that point when I was just ready to be with him sexually? He had chased for so long and it makes no sense to me for him to give up at the end. He is a total alpha male, has an incredible risky job and likes challenges. Did I hurt his ego by not sleeping with him? My friend says i did and that he is done. Right now I feel sexually rejected by him since he gave up at the last minute and didn't try for another date. I'm a very attractive woman and get lots of male attention. He is a tv star and has women throwing themselves at him. I tried to be different and not do what all the women do- and I succeeded. But what happened?! Thank you for your help, I feel so sad how this played out. - cancer girl; October 3, 2014 at 5:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi it's Cancer girl again. I thought of a couple things I forgot to point out with regards to my situation. He is going away for work for seven months and will be most inaccessible by phone, and we obviously have no chance of seeing each other during that time. He also somewhat offered himself to me to which I froze in the pressure situation and told him I just wasn't quite ready and that I was worried about getting too attached since he was going off to his dangerous job. I worry that I was a tease and led him on, it was kind of like "I'm going off to war so give me something to remember you by" to which I turned him down. Nothing has happened on my end to make me not want to be his friend. I would happily accept that. Another factor in play is that my company can contract hire him for a large amount of money with my initiations and it appears that he is so mad or done with me that he isn't concerned with the business relationship we have. Oh and he def doesn't have ED or anything like that which would make him scurry off. I just can't figure out what went wrong and if he needs some time to think and will be back. He has past addictions and I know they are a struggle each day for him, I don't expect a relationship, I just want to feel like I meant something to him I guess, and that I didn't turn him off by saying or doing something wrong. Thanks again- cancer girl.; October 3, 2014 at 11:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Ummm, wow. I had no idea this happens this often. Long story short (to the best of my ability), I met a guy online. He was awesome. Common goals, both ambitious, laughter, just refreshing. We talked for hrs at times, texted daily, he sent me photos of him & his son etc for about 2 1/2 weeks before we met… once and it was great. We were suppose to meet again that following week, however he faded into an all together disappearance act. I was bummed out royally- but what threw me off was that 3 1/2 weeks later, he texts me ‘hey how are you sorry I’ve been gone so long, situations at work got really challenging.’ I was so in shock. That’s a crap excuse cause I’d see him sign on the dating site a lot for hrs (he could have just said he wanted to continue fishing). I responded with ‘who’s this?’ He said who he was and asked how I’ve been. I told him ‘tied up right now. Let catch up tomorrow.’ I never responded after that and thus far haven’t heard from him (its been 6 days)…. I realized I didn’t need closure or be rude. Just peace out... though he does cross my mind and I did pass the 3 day mark.... What say you? Too late? Continue to let it be as I have? Let him man up and call? Also, quick question... this same guy on day 2 of talking to me told me a very personal aspect of his childhood. I never asked and when he told me, I asked him why... he said, 'I don't know I just felt safe sharing that with you'. Was that a red flag? I'm having a slightly hard time knowing the differences btwn red flags, intuition, or just over thinking...; October 4, 2014 at 1:17 AM
L said...: Dear Mirror,

Two years ago you helped with a disappearing man. Alas, I need your guidance again.

I met the latest man online 3 months ago. We hit it off, and on the 2nd date we slept together. For about a month it was great. I'd see him regularly, he'd phone me every night, I even had dinner with his son. He had been separated for over a year, and believed he was ready to meet someone for a relationship.

However, a month into things, his life "hit rock bottom": his business was going under, he was facing bankruptcy, and the divorce was turning nasty. He was depressed, but I made sure I was very supportive (maybe too supportive?)

About the same time I noticed that he was starting to withdraw from me. At first it was little things. He’d say "he was just going with the flow", and when someone asked if he was dating me, he said "Kind of". Instead of seeing me regularly, he’s have soccer on or business meetings to go to. When he had his kids, I'd often not hear from him. I tolerated this because I knew he was going through a tough time.

About 3 weeks ago he disappeared on me for a few days. I texted him: “Hey do you want me to leave you along? You seem really distant these days. Not sure if it’s because of everything going on with divorce/business, or if you’re not really interested in seeing me?”

He wrote back “Oh no..sorry L. It’s not about you..hope u know that...I will phone u” During our conversation he sounded even more depressed, and told me he just wanted to run away, and he didn't know what he wanted. I asked him if he wanted space, and he said no, and that he would contact me the next day

But nearly a week went by without hearing from him. I knew he had the kids that week, so was giving him space, but on the Friday I discovered he'd put his dating profile back up on Tinder. I was shocked.

I texted him: “I really liked you, but I don’t think it’s going to work out. I’m not sure what you want, but I need someone who isn’t going to disappear on me and can communicate with me openly. You’ve obviously got a lot going on in your life at the moment, so best we shake hands and part ways.”

The next day he texted: “Hey, I didn’t reply straight away as I wanted to digest your message. A lot has been happening, as you know and I’ve obviously got to sort out a lot of crap. It is unfair to you, and I am truly sorry for my distance the last few weeks. I was hoping to catch up and at least chat this week? I agree that for now I need to focus. I am hoping this is not goodbye? And we can be friends going forward as I definitely want to stay in contact but understand if u feel differently.”

I left it a day, and replied back with" I just need to know are you interested in me or not? Yes, you have a lot of crap going on in your life, but i also know you are back on Tinder."

He replied with: "Hey L...Tinder? I browse on there and still converse with contacts from the past but nothing other than that. I definitely haven't been seeing anyone or intend to with my current circumstances. I really don't know....I am a bit lost at the moment. I may just need some time to mope. Sorry but I am trying to sort things out one at a time. Will hopefully be able to catch up soon."

I didn't reply. 4 days later he sent another text: "Hey, L. I hope all is going well for u. U still progressing? I am sorting crap out...anyhow talk soon :-)"

That was a day and a half ago, and I haven't replied.

Mirror, what are your thoughts? Do you think he is interested in me, or do you think it’s more a case of he doesn’t know and is just stringing me along? How long should I wait before replying and what do you think I should text back?

I’m really hoping you can help me out once again.

Thank you

L; October 4, 2014 at 7:13 AM
L said...: Dear Mirror,

I haven't heard back from you, so based on previous advice, I sent a text saying: "Hey there. It was nice to hear from you. I've been so busy, this week's been nuts. Glad you're sorting things out. Talk to you soon :-)"

A couple of hours later he responded with the text: "Hey L...nice to hear from u :-) Heading back from the south coast...needed to get away and clear my head for a few days. Great to hear u r busy...I hope u r progressing well with yr phd."

Hmm... seems like he just mirrored by text and he's the one back in control now. Tempted to reply, but from your previous advice, I think I just disappear again until (if) he contacts me again?

So much for him wanting to call me and chat!

What are you thoughts Mirror?

L; October 6, 2014 at 4:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror it's Jordan again, well the guy I am seeing we were suppose to go out over the weekend but he didn't call or text to confirm so he called me first thing this morning and I did not answer my phone as I think its best to go into no contact mode for him to understand I me. Is this the right thing to do? I only asked because I have told him how I feel and what I expect but he still does not to it. The weekend came and went so I guess he thinks I am just to assume since I didn't hear from him that we are not going out, no that is unacceptable so let me know if I that was the right thing to do as I ignored his phone on this Monday morning. Thanks Jordan; October 6, 2014 at 10:24 AM
chk61 said...: Oh yes...Silence IS golden with these disappearing men, or with any man who treats a woman badly, as Steve Santagati also pointed out in his book. Thanks Mirror, you were exactly right about what he said...although there are some things in that book that some women may find offensive, I think it is an excellent book for single women to read. I believe it is called "The MANual". I took it out from my local library but you can find it on Amazon.

My "blind" date was pleasant and gentlemanly, but I'm not sure if I'll be seeing him again. I"m not sure if he wants to see ME again. We did have pleasant conversation but I really felt nothing after we parted ways - he was somewhat overly serious and earnest. As a welcome change, he seemed overly concerned with my comfort which was nice and appreciated. ;-) I think he hasn't dated at all since his divorce...and also, he had a tragedy in his family about a year ago, I'll leave the details out. He seemed still a bit shell-shocked to me. I would give him another chance if he asks me out but if he doesn't, no big deal.

So, onwards and upwards! My favorite saying as of late. Yes, after my lackluster blind date, I did feel slightly tempted to drop my D.M. a feeler email but I am NOT going to.; October 6, 2014 at 1:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @cancer girl,
"why would he give up on me at that point when I was just ready to be with him sexually?"

Because he may have expected it that night and when he didn't receive it, he moved on.

"Did I hurt his ego by not sleeping with him? My friend says i did and that he is done."

Maybe - but who cares? I mean, he's a virtual stranger that's expecting instant access to your body the moment he meets you, and then when he doesn't get it, he moves on. Who wants a guy like that anyhow? It signals he was looking to use you sexually...and would've disappeared anyway immediately after getting it.

Be glad that didn't happen - otherwise, you'd be feeling very used right now.

"But what happened?!"

He might have realized that you were not going to be like all the other girls and permit yourself to be used sexually. So what happened could be that....you just dodged a bullet and saved yourself from being the sexual victim of a player that would've slept with you and disappeared anyway.

"it was kind of like "I'm going off to war so give me something to remember you by" to which I turned him down"

Good, be glad you did. Because a man who expects a woman to sex him up without even knowing him simply because he's going away for a while...is DEFINITELY a player that would NEVER commit to a real relationship anyway.

"I just want to feel like I meant something to him I guess, and that I didn't turn him off by saying or doing something wrong"

You need to understand something dear, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings here because this isn't personal...but...you need to realize that you're NOT going to mean anything to a virtual stranger - whether you sleep with them or not. And you also need to understand that when a woman says no to sex...she's NOT doing anything WRONG.

She's RESPECTING herself and signaling that she deserves more - and there is nothing wrong with that.

Instead of questioning yourself here dear, and feeling bad about not letting this guy use you, as if that would've somehow changed the situation had you done so....it's much better to accept the reality that this guy wasn't serious, he was seeking a casual hookup situation, he had no intentions of committing to anything ever, sex or no sex, he's a player - and when he isn't permitted to use a woman sexually...he bails on them.

The reality dear is that you just dodged a bullet here - be happy about that - don't question it. Trust in the process because it works. And as you can see, it will reveal genuinely interested men from those that are not and are just out to use you.; October 6, 2014 at 5:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 4, 1:17 AM,
"Let him man up and call?"

Yep. If he's GENUINELY interested, he knows where to find you. But I will say this...men who are serial daters online are easily distracted by the opportunities there, and generally are NOT genuinely interested men when they disappear on you to explore one of the other opportunities. Which is fine - let those guys go. Like I said, if he's genuinely interested, he'll circle back around and follow through.

"this same guy on day 2 of talking to me told me a very personal aspect of his childhood. I never asked and when he told me, I asked him why... he said, 'I don't know I just felt safe sharing that with you'. Was that a red flag?"

I wouldn't read too much into it, sometimes it's easier for folks to speak to strangers. But I will say this...people who are sharing TMI (too much information) on a first date...probably aren't incredibly emotionally stable individuals dear. Because if they were, they'd realize that's a big no-no and they wouldn't be doing it.; October 6, 2014 at 5:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @L
"What are you thoughts Mirror?"

I don't advocate pursuing men (i.e. contacting them, chasing them, asking them out, etc.) because nine times out of ten, it only leads to the woman being used. If a man is genuinely interested, HE will come find YOU. If he's not and YOU are the one attempting to find HIM, then you run the risk of not knowing if he is genuinely interested in you or not, and you may end up being used because men WILL take you up on your offer, sleep with you, and then move on (because they weren't genuinely interested in the first place).

This piece written by a man says it best:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; October 6, 2014 at 5:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jordan,
"the guy I am seeing we were suppose to go out over the weekend but he didn't call or text to confirm so he called me first thing this morning and I did not answer my phone as I think its best to go into no contact mode for him to understand I me. Is this the right thing to do?"

Yes dear, that was the right thing to do. If a man cannot make firm plans for a date at least 3 days in advance, then you're not available for the date - period. Even if you are, you do not make yourself available at the last minute like that for a guy. He has to show some respect for you and your time and plan things in advance.

If he doesn't, and you drop things at the last minute to accommodate him - he will NEVER be mindful or respectful of you or your time and from that point forward, he will treat you as a last minute resort.; October 6, 2014 at 5:39 PM
L said...: Dear Mirror,

Thank you for your advice, although I have to admit, I'm a little confused now, because I was the one who dumped him (after he disappeared on me for a week and I found him back on Tinder); and it was he who got in contact with me a week later (he asked me how I was, told me he was sorting out his crap, and he would be in touch soon). I only replied back 3 days later, telling him I was busy, glad he was sorting his stuff out and talk soon. That's when he sent me a text two hours later (yesterday), saying that it was great I was doing well, and hope all was progressing well with my PhD. This last text of his was more of a statement, rather than a question or initiation to chat further - which really hurt.

To be honest, I've been feeling quite flat and depressed today. I know my last couple of posts to you might not have been clear, but I guess what I was trying to work out was why he has bothered to contact me since I broke up with him?

Is he feeling guilty and just wants to be friends? Is he keeping me around as an option? Does he like me, but is trying to sort through all the crap going on in his life first? Or does he generally not know what he wants? He is a Sag, and I am a Sag if that makes anymore sense.

Without answers to these questions, I felt like I'm dangling now. And he's got the control back again.

But I won't contact him again. It's up to him now to pursue me. If he doesn't, well at least I know he wasn't that interested.

Lastly, I want to thank you. The art of writing to you, and getting your advice and thoughts, has been a form of therapy for me. (I have to admit that I spent all weekend waiting for your reply, and re-reading your blog posts). You've helped me feel like I have some control over the uncontrollable. You also helped me get through another difficult situation two years ago (I posted under the name Saggi).

So, thank you Mirror.

All the way from Australia.

L; October 7, 2014 at 6:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @L,
"I'm a little confused now, because I was the one who dumped him (after he disappeared on me for a week and I found him back on Tinder)"

He was the one who threw the first stone here. He disappeared for a week, then jumped back onto the dating site. Those ACTIONS say a lot - and you listened to what they were telling you, and you acted accordingly. A man who is genuinely interested does NOT behave is way. He took a risk jumping back onto the dating site, and the consequence of that was that he lost you. That was his choice, not yours, so don't beat yourself up over that.

"I guess what I was trying to work out was why he has bothered to contact me since I broke up with him?"

There's no way to know that dear. Answers to questions like that usually come from observation of the mans ACTIONS over an extended period of time. If he disappears and makes no further attempts, then most likely he was testing the waters, felt that they were cold because of what HE had done and bolted. Which is fine. Because you really don't want a man like this in your life anyway. If he's done this once, chances are high that he'd do it again.

"he's got the control back again."

Not true. You are GIVING him that control over your emotional head space by thinking and reflecting on him all the time, which is leaving you feeling powerless. But the reality is that YOU are the one who took ACTION with him and cut him loose as a consequence to his taking it for granted that you wouldn't notice him back on the site. HE got dumped here, not YOU. HE attempted to contact YOU and got no real green light, because he didn't deserve it, he didn't apologize, explain or invite a talk.

YOU are the one calling the shots here dear, not him. You are the one holding the power, not him. You are the one who's not settling for poor treatment and who's demanding respect - and that places YOU in the position of power here. You are the one calling the shots, not him.

Be proud of yourself for taking a stance and not settling for poor treatment dear, because that takes real strength ;-); October 7, 2014 at 7:55 AM
chk61 said...: Great advice to L from Mirror! Bravo!

L said: "Is he feeling guilty and just wants to be friends? Is he keeping me around as an option? Does he like me, but is trying to sort through all the crap going on in his life first? Or does he generally not know what he wants?"

I have asked myself these same questions and wasted ridiculous amounts of time trying to figure my D.M. out.

I think it is very possible they do this to assuage any guilt they have, these men are after all, human.

The truth is, as Mirror again points out: we ALLOW ourselves to feel we are in limbo, that we are dangling, waiting for his next move. So many of us women do this and it does render us feeling powerless, when indeed WE HAVE THE POWER! It's really all in our mindset and how we view the situation.

Many, many of us women have the feeling we are "dangling" when these men pop in and out, offering "friendship", or the wayward email checking in to see if we are still there. These men get an ego boost out of getting a response from us, while they are possibly doing the same thing with several other women. When they think they have a "harem" of women to pick from, which woman will actually get their attention? The woman who reveals her "high value" by not putting up with push me/pull you stunts, the woman who just ignores lame, inconsistent and periodic attempts at contact, the woman who doesn't "jump" when the D.M. reappears.

We have the power. We decide who gets to spend time with us.

Stay powerful, L. You did the right thing and as Mirror said, it takes real strength to not settle for poor treatment, especially when you're attracted to the guy. ;-); October 7, 2014 at 9:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61, L and the Ladies,
When dating online, there's this conceptual thing that seems to take place in many man's minds, and I think it's partly because of the way that many women there tend to act towards men - it's the "I get to pick" concept taking place in the man's mind....because many women tend to go about dating with a "pick me, pick me" angle. And when you do that, when you hang around waiting to be "picked" instead of proactively going about doing the picking and choosing yourself (by filtering out the lazy guys and not giving them a second thought), you signal to these men that you're handing the "picking" power off to them, and that you're waiting around to "be picked."

Another way to look at it is this - do YOU decide who YOU PICK to date? Or do you just give every and any man that comes along and shows interest a chance? Do you pass men over regularly, or do you settle and think that your time is running out, so you have to take what comes along?

Because here's the thing - when a man sense that you're waiting to be "picked" by him, guess what? He'll KEEP you waiting, and waiting and waiting. Why? Because you've given him the power to do so. You've signaled to him that you'll still be there, waiting (by not moving on immediately when poor treatment takes place and by continuing to respond to his "taps" after he reappears). When you do this, you've not signaled yourself as high value, and because of that, he's now buying what you're selling - and he doesn't view you as high value either. Instead, he views you as a Plan B option to bide time with until a woman of high value comes along, because you've immediately signaled to him that you're willing to wait around as a Plan B option (by not moving on from him immediately when he's flaking out on you).

If any of you watch the TV show "Couples Therapy" - there's a case of this taking place on that show. One of the couples, Juan Pablo and Nikki are experiencing this "picking" issue - particularly the woman, Nikki. And it's because they were on the TV reality show, The Bachelor, where Juan Pablo got to "pick" her.

And that "waiting to be picked" issue is STILL taking place in their relationship where Nikki feels that Juan Pablo is still holding that "picking" power over her head - because he STILL has not told her he loves her, even though they're in a long term committed relationship now.

This video clip delves into a bit more:
http://www.vh1.com/shows/couples_therapy/will-juan-pablo-finally-say-i-love-you-to-nikki/1086156/video/#id=1731539

This is THE ISSUE in their relationship STILL to this day - because the relationship began with him holding the "picking power" - and he's unwilling to give that power up. He gives Nikki very little while he expects her to give 100% to him, because he now feels entitled to hang onto that power since she settled for it in the first place, by accepting a rose from him at the end of the show....and nothing more (no "I love you" and no proposal). By accepting that rose from him under those circumstances at the end of that show, she handed the "picking" power over to him, and signaled that she was willing to wait for HIM to decide (instead of her refusing the rose under those conditions and telling him to go shove it).

Cont...; October 7, 2014 at 11:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I know that most women believe that if they put themselves out for someone, and are willing to compromise themselves and wait for a man to reach a decision about them, they think things will eventually work out. But the reality is that once you settle for that, rarely does it ever get better, because by signaling to the man that you're willing to wait on HIS DECISION about YOU, he has now placed a lower value on you....because you've placed one on yourself by your willingness to compromise yourself and place your life on hold, awaiting his decision (instead of walking away).

Bottom line...as chk61 points out....women tend to leave THEMSELVES dangling and hanging on. The man is only doing this because he's been permitted to. And the woman is only there waiting because SHE has decided to compromise herself like that.

If instead, the woman walks away and says something to the effect of, "I understand you're undecided and that's okay. When, or if, you decide that you want to be with me, give me a call. If I'm still available, maybe we can talk at that time."

See the difference ladies? See how the tone of:

- Agreeing to not date other men and put your life on hold awaiting the decision of one man has a tone of "pick me, pick me" (desperate and willing to compromise yourself).

- While walking away and cordially moving on to date other men has a tone of "I do my own picking, and if I'm still available by the time you decide...I MIGHT talk to you then" has a COMPLETELY different tone (confident and in control).

Ultimately ladies, the power IS YOURS...it all just depends on whether or not you will give it up, or fight to maintain it:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; October 7, 2014 at 11:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear MoA,

You are great! I was wondering if we should ignore a DM even if the relationship was not serious or long. For e.g. there is a guy I met online last year and went out with thrice. Every few months, he will get in touch with me on some pretext.

Part of me thinks he had his chance and so I shouldn't let him waste my time. But I do like him and we get along well so I just treat him as a friend and view it as us just getting to know each other albiet very slowly. However we don't see each other much (it's been a year) and I don't want to get sucked into a virtual relationship.

Do you think I should continue to respond and treat him as a friend or ignore him? He has been a gentleman with me and I really don't feel wronged or hurt by him..; October 7, 2014 at 5:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror (cancer girl.) What you said doesn't hurt my feelings, you speak the truth! I'm glad that I didn't allow myself to be used, and now I see it was more about that versus what I thought which was that I physically repulsed him somehow and he wasn't attracted to me anymore. So thanks for helping with that. I'm having such a hard time letting go bc this was a man that I have idolized on TV for so many years- I use to have dreams I would meet him someday. I am actually seeing someone professionally about this bc it has been so hard to deal with this loss of someone who I guess I never really had in the first place. Another thing I'm having a rough time with is thinking that he is somehow more important than me bc of his "celeb" factor and that I "wasn't good enough" for him. Deep down I know that he is the bad guy, not me, and that being regarded as great by fans is different than being an actual good person. I'm glad that I knew better than to sleep with him. I'm certain he isn't use to being turned down by women, so maybe that will fester with him a little. Thanks again!; October 7, 2014 at 9:39 PM
L said...: Dear Mirror and chk61,

Thank you so much for your wonderful, wonderful feedback. It really helped lift my spirits today. While I still feel a little bit down - and I'm still thinking about him and miss him, I'm feeling much more in control.

It took a lot of strength to dump him. I've actually never done that before. It was my sister who pointed out that I was never the one to break up with the guy; that I'd accept any sort of behavior, and it was time that I asked myself what I wanted, and whether he was good enough for me. The concept of being "picked", and thus handing all the power to the person doing the picking, really rang true for me.

When I sent that break up text, I did feel empowered. It felt good.

After he replied that he didn't know whether he liked me or not, and he had a lot of crap to sort out in his life, I SO wish I had replied with your suggestion, Mirror.

"I understand you're undecided and that's okay. When, or if, you decide that you want to be with me, give me a call. If I'm still available, maybe we can talk at that time."

It's brilliant. If he ever does contact me again, and I feel he is still sitting on the fence regarding his feelings for me, I will definitely use this.

Like you pointed out, part of that "pick me" attitude comes from that nagging thought, "You're running out of time" that creeps into my head more and more these days (I'll be 36 soon).

I also think part of the reason it stings so much is due to rejection; the feeling of not being good enough for him. That he went back on Tinder to look for someone "better" - more attractive, smarter, funnier, independent.

But I have to remind myself that I am a great catch - and it is he who is missing out.

Well, I'm off to bed now. Just thought I'd write to say thank you.

I know I will be coming back to re-read your words, because they are exactly what I needed to hear.

Oh, and Mirror, I think you should write a book on this topic. You write beautifully and your words are very powerful.

L; October 8, 2014 at 7:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 7, 5:21 PM,
"Do you think I should continue to respond and treat him as a friend or ignore him?"

It's a personal decision dear. If this didn't work out romantically but in the meantime you've forged what you consider a valuable friendship with him (and you don't have any romantic expectations from it), then it's probably safe to be friends with him.

However, if you're doing this because you have expectations and you're waiting for something romantic to develop from it, then that could do emotional damage and be painful and probably also hold you back from truly opening up to meeting other men. If that's the case, it's probably safer to pull away and protect yourself from any pain.; October 8, 2014 at 8:48 AM
Gem50 said...: @ the Ladies,

I’ve appreciated your recent comments, and am thankful for, “If instead, the woman walks away and says something to the effect of, "I understand you're undecided and that's okay. When, or if, you decide that you want to be with me, give me a call. If I'm still available, maybe we can talk at that time."

It’s October and, if what Scorpio said is true, its his one year anniversary with the so-called gf. Friday and last night he was texting me crazy, reminiscing a lot about how we first met, etc. I don’t know how he fits all this texting into his life. But instead of thinking about that, I think about my value and what I want for my life as I circle inside this den and learn.

Last night he was trying hard for an invite to come over, and the reminiscing was mixed with sexts. After I told him there was more to me than what he was sexting, Scorpio’s responses included, “I know that. That’s what made me want you at start silly. Strong, independent and hot, I had to try. Didn’t think I would even get a date.” “…thank god I pulled my balls out of my purse and asked u to dinner.” “I was actually afraid u would laugh at me….” and, “I thought u would never want a nerd like me.”

Wow! What a surprise. I never heard/saw this insecurity from Scorpio before.

Sidebar: Believe it or not, maybe it’s because of my age, but I have not been able to grasp/understand the “player” i.d. Driving into work Monday, it finally hit me that “player,” is what I understand as “playboy.” I heard of playboys when I was a kid in Vegas: A guy that goes from one woman to another; believes that he loves them all; is sweet, wonderful and deep with them superficially (if that makes sense); commits to none; creates a comfortable and entertaining life for himself with (each of) them; and always has a beautiful women on his arm -- they make him look good and feel great, which enables him to portray to the world, and convince himself, that he is a man who has it all.

I FINALLY understand what people mean when they talk about players. And, yes, it seems that this is Scorpio.

Early this morning Scorpio picked up where he left off last night. He was planning to work in the AM at his friend’s garage down the street from my home and wanted me to stay home from work for a “play day.” Of course I said no, kept to my script, and used the latest advice given by Ms. Mirror:

Scorpio > Don’t u think u deserve a play day?

Me > Oh I do. And hope someday it happens. I won’t be a dirty secret.

Scorpio > I don’t get it. If u had a choice to split megabucks or wait for megamillions what would u do?

Me > Money is a thing sweety, people are not

Scorpio > I give up u win lol xo

Me > Ok if u get single u know how to find me and if I’m single we’ll c then xo

Scorpio > K xo

I’d like to say that I’m 100% comfortable with my action, but I’m not. It’s still practice. Although I know logically and in my soul that I am doing the right thing, emotionally I am hovering all over the map. Yet, I am staying the course ladies; I hope you all do as well.

(hugs); October 8, 2014 at 7:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror! I have an interesting twist on how my story is unfolding (Anonymous, September 26, 7:31pm)...maybe we should just call me Long Distance Girl:

It's funny, how in one of your recent posts you mentioned "agreeing to not date other men and put your life on hold awaiting the decision of one man has a tone of "pick me, pick me" (desperate and willing to compromise yourself). While walking away and cordially moving on to date other men has a tone of "I do my own picking, and if I'm still available by the time you decide...I MIGHT talk to you then" has a COMPLETELY different tone (confident and in control)."

With this guy who has been impulsive in moving things along in our relationship, but not wanting to do long distance...before he left I also repeatedly mentioned to him that I didn't believe in long distance either.

Lo and behold, somehow the opposite has occurred. He's left about a week ago. Leading up to that time he started dropping hints about how he would not be seeing other people while away travelling, and in a lighthearted manner told me he doesn't want me seeing others. He said he wants to learn how to be independent within the relationship while he is away, so that he can grow and contribute more to it when he returns. I met his best friends and parents, who were wonderful, before he left and he had us exchange contact information so we could all keep in touch, and get together if necessary, while he is away.

Since he left he's been pretty en pointe, messaging me every morning, updating me when he is about to go to another city, still being affectionate and romantic, and sending me pictures of his day. Strangely enough, I don't know WHEN it was decided that we were going to try long distance, especially with how we both expressed our skepticisms prior to him leaving. Should I bring it up with him to clarify?

In the past I've noticed when you try to have "relationshippy" type talks with guys they tend to run for the hills in the other direction. That being said, I don't want any "gray area" to exist...like for example, saying "well we never OFFICIALLY said we were in a LDR, therefore I did _____ with another girl". I've been in a LDR that turned out horribly, and I mentioned to this guy, the day after he left, that my outlook on LDRs is tainted with my past LDR experience. He listened, asked me if I was feeling better about it later, and tried to cheer me up...but this doesn't equate to directness. I don't want to be a "pick me, pick me" girl, but I also don't want to unintentionally muddy the situation when in general it is going well - what should I do to clarify what is going on?

-Long Distance Girl; October 9, 2014 at 1:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gem,
Scorpio is actually a hoot dear. Did you catch his association to himself as a "jackpot" - with the "megabucks" versus "megamillions" reference LOL??

Translation: "I don’t get it. If u had a choice to split megabucks (SCORPIO) or wait for megamillions (SOMEONE WHO CAN COMMIT) what would u do?"

What he was saying there is VERY interesting and actually says a lot. I believe he's insinuating that he would split megabucks...that megabucks would be good enough for him...and he wouldn't wait around for megamillions to roll in.

He's insinuating that sex should be good enough, and there's no need to stick around waiting for commitment. And all this....coming from a man that's currently IN a supposed committed relationship LOL. I believe he's also insinuating that he's a "jackpot" of sorts with a "megabucks" offer - and he can't understand why you're not biting, and instead waiting around for megamillions.

He doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand why you're not jumping on the megabucks sex offer here...like as if a sex offer is a rare "win" and something women almost never get LOL ;-)

I don't think men understand exactly how many sex offers and opportunities women are hit with regularly. Think about it. Think about how many sex opportunities have presented themselves to you in just the short time you've been speaking with Scorpio. The "kitchen table" guy at the bar...the "little man" in the big truck guy...and I think at least two others that have shown interest that I can't recall in detail right now. I mean honestly, had you decided to explore any of those offers, every single one of them would've led to sex at the very least.

Yet Scorpio thinks he's stepping forward with some big, bold "megabucks offer of a lifetime" here LOL ;-)

Do you know what he's doing dear? He's creating an air of "scarcity" with regards to himself and his offer. He's tapping into the Law of Scarcity with insinuations that sex is scarce, he is scarce, his offer is scarce, it's rare, it's a "megabucks" jackpot type thing.

It's like he's on QVC or Home Shopping Network selling a watch and delivering his scarcity marketing pitch with urgency. "This beautiful gold and diamond watch is available in limited supply and will only be on offer at this low, low price until midnight. There are only 200 left folks and the phone lines are lighting up. If you want one of these rare gems at this low, low price - you'd better phone in NOW and order one before they're gone. Sure, you can get a Rolex if you save up, but that could take months. Why do that when this gold and diamond watch is just as nice and is a steal at this low, low price."

Scorpio cannot understand why you're not settling for sex and that gold and diamond watch, and instead, holding out for a Rolex and commitment LOL ;-); October 9, 2014 at 8:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Long Distance Girl,
"Strangely enough, I don't know WHEN it was decided that we were going to try long distance, especially with how we both expressed our skepticisms prior to him leaving."

LOL...it was when you said this, "I also repeatedly mentioned to him that I didn't believe in long distance either" and became a CHALLENGE to him.

"Should I bring it up with him to clarify?"

If it were me, I'd got about this in a playful teasing manner. I wouldn't bring it up. I'd wait for an opportunity to present itself that was appropriate to weave it into the discussion. For instance, if he speaks with you and mentions "us" or you guys as a couple or a reference to a LDR with you or commitment or whatever along those lines...and then playfully and teasingly I'd say, "Oh yea, about that. Last I heard, you didn't want long distance. Yet somehow, it feels like we're now in a LDR. How the hell did that happen? Is it because you suddenly realized that you just can't live without me? That's what it is, huh LOL? My charisma and feminine allure is so powerful it's charmed you into an LDR hasn't it?"

I'd mix laughter in with all of that, as if the entire thing were a playful tease, and then I'd simply sit back and listen to his response LOL ;-); October 9, 2014 at 8:37 AM
1confusedwoman said...: I been seeing a guy for a little over 2 months and we haven't had sex yet even though we have kissed passionately lol. At first I told him Im not comfortable having sex until I got to know him & he told me np that he would wait as long as I needed. However since then we have planned on getting together to make the sex part happen but something always seem to come up on my end or his. He is a Capricorn man that's works a lot & I'm a Cancer woman that work a lot also but I seem to be able to make time for him but he always seem to be busy at times.

I’m not going to go to in detail but it has been good between us but he is kind of struggling with finances I know right now. I started feeling I was always the one initiating contact even though he is quick to respond to my calls or text & always seem to ask me when he can see me again once I contacted him. I just don’t like to be the one initiating all contact in which I told him & he agreed to step up. Well 7 days ago I sent him a inspirational text message because he was really down about his life somewhat in return he sent me a text message saying this “I need someone like you who is willing to understand me.

I don’t want you to go anywhere I just need time to get better established before I can give my time. I know this is some bs but I gotta do what’s best for me now but I do want you around” Ok so what exactly is he saying here? Do it seems he wants to keep me around or is a nice way of rejecting me? He admitted it was some bs himself. I usually would contact by phone or test message once every 4-7 days & 7 was the latest I have ever waited to contact him. Now I'm following your No Contact..Cont..; October 9, 2014 at 9:01 AM
chk61 said...: BTW, for the record, I did not read Mirror's reply to Gem50 (it was not posted yet) before I posted my "tome". ;-); October 9, 2014 at 9:02 AM
1confusedwoman said...: He has taken me out on 3 separate occasions & has treated each time being a real gentleman by opening the doors etc for me. We did kinda agree to start off slow and he said we could be whatever it was meant for us to be. This guy does not seem to be into it for the sex because when I finally gave in & said I was ready and basically offered sex on the platter he has kinda renigged and then I pulled back on the offer a little. I do know when we are together he always looks into my eyes & listens to me contently and always repeats back whatever I said & always wants to know more about whatever Im talking about & he has told me about things in his childhood etc.

Why would he invest time,energy and money into me if he wants to back off now? It's not about the sex because he could of had it by now with me the first time I offered it to him lol. When we kiss it is like fireworks ..could it be that he does not want to have sex right now because he don't want to ruin our relationship we had?; October 9, 2014 at 9:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @1confusedwoman
"Ok so what exactly is he saying here?"

Basically, what he's saying that he's not going to enter into a committed relationship right now, but that he's willing to date you casually, from time to time when he can.

"Do it seems he wants to keep me around or is a nice way of rejecting me?"

He's not rejecting you, but he is telling you that he'd rather casually date you (sporadically from time to time, no regular daily communication) than get involved in a relationship (lots of time spent, lots of daily communication).

"He admitted it was some bs himself."

That's because he's not offering anything other than "casual" at the moment (again, no regular daily communication and dates sporadically from time to time when convenient for him).

"Why would he invest time,energy and money into me if he wants to back off now?"

Because he wants something casual - which is why he's putting some space between you (because he doesn't want you to start thinking you're in a relationship with him).

"he don't want to ruin our relationship we had?"

Well, here's the thing dear, and I think this is where the confusion is coming in...but this isn't a relationship. This is casual dating at this point. It's not a relationship until the man asks the woman to enter into a committed, exclusive situation with him and "i love you's" are exchanged. Prior to that, it's only dating.

Dating = Seeing/talking to each other sporadically or when time permits, getting to know one another.

Relationship = Both parties agreeing to enter into a committed situation with one another where they don't date other people, have expressed feelings for one another (I love you's) and see each other regularly and speak daily.

And right now, this is still in the dating phase (2 months and 3 dates) - it's not a relationship because no one has asked for a commitment or expressed feelings for one another that are felt deeply (I love you's).

And it appears that what he's offering is more casual dating, which is sporadic and not regular and non-committed. It doesn't appear that he's ready for a relationship at this time.

So if you're seeking a committed relationship, do NOT agree to this casual dating situation he's offering. Instead, say something like, "I understand that you aren't ready and don't have time for a relationship right now, and that's okay. But I do want a relationship and casually dating isn't going to work for me. If you decide in the future that you're ready for a relationship and have the time to devote to one, give me a call. If I'm still available, maybe we'll talk then."

And walk away from him dear. Because if you stay, he's going to string you along casually because he's not ready for commitment or a relationship, and if you want that, him refusing to give that to you will only hurt you. Don't settle for less than you deserve, if what you truly want is a relationship. Because a casual dating situation will leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled in the long run - it won't make you happy.; October 9, 2014 at 4:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and the Ladies,

I just want to share my latest experience. Yesterday I had a date with a man from a dating site. He is from the neighbouring country and is here for a few months because of work. Which I didn´t know from our previous communication. Gem recently mentioned playboys - he was definitely one. He was very nice, gentlemanly, handsome, courteous, took me to a nice café, looked after me very well. He was charming, smiling, kind... I was glad to have met such a pleasant man after so many ... you know what. Yet after about 30 minutes of sitting opposite him I started to feel a little uneasy. He had penetrating blue eyes and he was trying to conquer me with his eyes, after some time I couldn´t look into his eyes anymore, it was really unpleasant. I felt dizzy almost. So I said I had to go. He paid (but didn´t leave a tip which is almost rude here), we left the café, he didn´t accompany me (where did the gentleman disappear so suddenly?), said he would contact me again, I said okay but... but I didn´t mean it, I felt so "small" after he left... I am not sure if he will contact me but I am sure I am not going to see him again.Maybe I am wrong, he seemed to be so nice but something was strange, it´s just intuition, nothing else. This time I will certainly listen to it.

By the way, Mirror, I wrote to the dance trainer almost two weeks ago and he responded only today. He apologized that he had been abroad and again didn´t invite me to go biking (that´s the reason why we are corresponding). You were right again when you said you would write him off. Well, I will do it now.

I am wondering what else that I probably haven´t learned yet I should learn from all these experiences. Why I have to go through this. Maybe to deal with disappointment and frustration more cheerfully, I still take everything too deeply. (?)

Have a nice day, best wishes to everyone,
Hopeful; October 9, 2014 at 5:04 PM
Gem50 said...: Hey Chk!
No worries, thanks for your comment. I get that folks here may not understand why I continue to respond to Scorpio. I’ll try to explain, and I apologize in advance if this goes off the charts.

When you are alone, who are you? From the first day you can remember in this life, who are you? We all change by our experiences, but really, who are you, and what were the paths you have seen before you, the paths you have taken and the paths you have not -- and why?

Well, these past couple of years, I am getting closer to understanding those answers, and I know there are specific lessons I am meant to learn.

I shared previously that I lived in and through trauma as a child. Studies have shown that when children experience trauma, although they may move on in life and progress to society’s expectations, some of their growth may “freeze” to the time of their trauma.

Well, I think the abuse I experienced as a child froze who I was, the path I was on, and influenced the future paths I chose. Through therapy in my early 20’s, I learned not to blame myself, to love myself again, and although I was determined to protect my children, I did not learn how to protect myself moving forward when dealing with difficult emotions -- my m.o. was to either shut-down, shut-out or run.

When Scorpio contacted me again 4 months ago, I wanted to run. But there was/is a lesson for me to learn here. A very wise woman recognized it, encouraged me to stay present, to see and feel and learn and basically “unfreeze” myself.

My comment about “hovering emotionally” was to recognize all of us as humans; to include the emotional aspect of the experience because they are real and shouldn’t be ignored, yet still need to be managed.

As crazy as this sounds, and I'm sure I will frustrate some ladies here by saying this, but I AM still crazy about Scorpio. He isn’t the man for me today and maybe never; but he isn't on this earth for my benefit. Do I like or approve everything I know about him? No. But as far as I know, he has always been honest with with me of his intentions, and this experience has been a gift he isn’t even aware of. This man is one powerful soul. And so am I ;-)

Yes, Ms. Mirror, I saw Scorpio’s “megabucks” as his being the "prize" and a second choice to the “megamillions.” When I read it, I laughed at the humanness of it. I tried to touch into him with my comment about things and people; the way he baled tells me he is also running.

And no worries Chk, I am not sitting at home waiting for Scorpio to contact me. I am living this life, one breath at a time. I share anything I think of value here because I believe in what Ms. Mirror has built and what she provides. Nowhere else have I learned actual steps and actions to take in the dating world. I have heard plenty of “shoulda, woulda, coulda…” but not actual experiences, insight and steps for women to use in order to take care of ourselves. Nor have I read such timely and truthful examples of men’s poor behaviors in the dating world.

Scorpio showing his “insecure” side amazed me and supported Ms. Mirror’s explanation of players usually being insecure. Identifying “player” as “playboy” may help others in our age bracket understand this type of guy. And sharing my use of Ms. Mirror’s example of walking away, shows women that we can walk -- and when we do, the world doesn’t end.

I am confident, Chk, that age is no barrier to living the lives we want or hope to achieve, or the lessons to be learned along the way. It sounds like you are doing a great job of it these days. Keep going! :-); October 9, 2014 at 7:36 PM
Gem50 said...: Also, Ms. Mirror,

Do you think Scorpio's inability to understand my not jumping to his play day offer, is because he's thinking that women think like men, similar to women thinking incorrectly that men think like women?

Since men may not have the opportunities that women have for sex, when sex is offered to immature and less than enlightened men, they jump -- and since these men think women are experiencing the same as them, they expect women to respond as they would.

Thinking about your comments of Scorpio, I am sure that I have confused the heck out of him ;-)

Because of the information and encouragement shared here, Scorpio has no idea how his disappearing acts affected me. He has no idea how much of a mess I was.

I haven't lashed out at him. I haven't held him responsible for me or my happiness. I haven't stalked him at work, or gone there for attention. I haven't told him how to live his life. I haven't turned into a "crazy" woman.

I have been steadfast in my resolve to not get involved with him since learning he has a so called gf, and I have done it as a choice for me, rather than a judgment of him.

I can just imagine his confusion... and can now clearly see how powerful a woman's silence and the act of taking care of ourselves is rather than trying to force a man to behave a certain way for us.

Thank you lady!; October 9, 2014 at 8:43 PM
1confusedwoman said...: Dear MOA, I want to thank you for your advice. I figured out everything you are saying is true. To be truthful Im a bit confused as to what I really want right now in my life right now because I really don't want a full on relationship right now but a possibility in the future as we had agreed to. Ok this is what I told him in response to his text"Sometimes we have to let go of who & what is best for us in order to do what is best 4 ourselves. I agree with you & wish you the best life has to offer because that is what I deserve also. Take care" Ok what do you think about what I said and how that came off to him maybe?

I hope it didn't sound stupid & pathetic? Do you think he will respect me more for standing up like this & now by showing actions of no contact? Do you think the no contact will work or do you think he will probley just move on because e feel he cant get over on me? He did not respond back to this text even though he didn't have to but why do you think he didn't say anything? Before this text to him I have always been understanding and almost to nice because that is my nature but then I have a very strong willed no bs attitude also. I have always contacted him and the longest I have waited to contact him was 7 days and now after midnight it will be 8 days no contact which is probley a shocker to him.

Do you think he is thinking about why I haven't contacted him and watching my actions now?
I know your not psychic but being that he has invested in me somewhat & not slept with me how long do you think he will break & attempt contact or do you think he will move on?; October 9, 2014 at 10:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"Do you think Scorpio's inability to understand my not jumping to his play day offer, is because he's thinking that women think like men, similar to women thinking incorrectly that men think like women?"

Yea, I do think that's taking place with him. And I do think that men forget that EVERY SINGLE WOMAN, has something that men want...the va-gi-gi LOL. Which actually places women into a powerful position...and men don't like to think that women hold any power over them, so generally, they don't even go there in their thoughts LOL ;-)

And I can guarantee you that Scorpio is befuddled by all of this. He's probably never come up against a woman he couldn't hammer into submission LOL. Because playboys, players - they tend to target who they think are "easy" girls, so this is most likely a brand new experience for him, which is why he keeps saying, "I don't understand" - cause truthfully, he probably doesn't.

And he's probably curious about why the "crazy lady" hasn't made an appearance yet either LOL ;-); October 10, 2014 at 12:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @1confusedwoman,
"Ok what do you think about what I said and how that came off to him maybe?"

You did what was best for you dear, and that's really what's important. What he thinks about it is of no real importance. He knew he was stringing you along and when men do that, they risk losing the woman, plain and simple - it's a consequence that can take place for doing that.

No one can predict whether or not he'll return. That all depends on the level of interest the man had in the first place. If he wants to make time for a relationship and he's genuinely interested, then that's what he'll do. If he doesn't, then he won't - and only time will tell.

In the meantime, keep moving forward with your life as best you can. If he wants you, he knows where to find you - and he'll seek you out :-); October 10, 2014 at 6:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Time to stop giving men such power, and benefit of the doubt. Time to start saying "well, maybe you're not that special after all." Articles like these give men more power in the end.; October 10, 2014 at 6:59 PM
chk61 said...: @ Gem50:

Thank you for your thoughts....due to jet lag I have not been thinking clearly. I remembered from an older post that MOA was coaching you in your dealing with Scorpio, and had suggested to you a plan for dealing with him (I won't go into all the details, since you and Mirror will know what I am talking about!) So apologies for forgetting about all of that!

Your last post just made me think of how I have LET my D.M. jerk me around emotionally and how it seemed so obvious that we really don't HAVE to participate in any of this! Like these "boys", WE have the CHOICE to walk away. Clearly, I was unable to practice my own medicine. Like you, I will admit that I felt I was "crazy" about him, which in my case, no one could understand due to his behavior with me. I just felt an intense chemical attraction to him, and even though I haven't laid eyes on him in person since late June, the memory of the attraction is still quite intense.

That said, Ladies and MOA, I request your advice. A week ago I had a first "blind" date with a man a work colleague set me up with. I posted here that it was pleasant but nothing earth-shattering or frankly, even memorable. I thought briefly about him, then promptly forget about him. Truth. I actually hoped he would NOT contact me, so that I would not be put in the position to accept or reject.

Well, a week later, this email:

"Hi (chk61),
Hope your (......) went well. Been meaning to drop you a note, thanks for getting together last week, that food was great. Enjoyed the conversation and meeting you. Perhaps we can meet again in the coming weeks, if your game.

FYI, not going to (.......) this weekend, to much on my plate.

Have a great weekend.

Lets talk soon"

So. There it is. Ladies, I felt NOTHING. For 2 full hours - zilch. Usually, if there is ANYTHING that he has a great sense of humor or is quite witty, articulate, etc), I can feel it within 2 hours. Hee was pleasant, but there was just no connection, ya know? It felt like an interview. True, he suffered a great tragedy a year ago, he also got divorced and had to move out of his house. I could not recall one thing about him that attracted me: not his voice, his eyes, his hands, the way he spoke, the way he held himself, his sense of humor, his smile....NADA.

Ladies, I was BORED. I guess I don't want to see him again. NOW, after my first date with the D.M. I could barely sleep I was so attracted and excited by him. D.M. was FUN, very intelligent, flirty, and yeah, very good looking. New Guy was what many could consider classically attractive - tall, broad shoulders, handsome face, full head of NOT gray hair - but his personality made ZERO impression on me. I have dated guys who were not considered attractive but they have won me over with their smarts and humor. NOT with New Guy. Yet, he was very concerned with my comfort throughout the date, and was gentlemanly. My sense is he has not dated at all for at least a year.

Also, I hate to say it but he made TWO of the most annoying grammatical mistakes in his email: YOUR instead of "you're" and TO instead of "too". He might has well have used LOOSE instead of "lose". My grammar and punctuation are not perfect but the YOUR instead of "you're" just really gets me. ;-) I am, on the other hand, an excellent speller. Ha ha.

So....do I give New Guy another date? Or does my description above sound like it would be a waste of time?
Ladies and Mirror, my gut feeling is - waste of time but as you know, I CAN be seriously attracted to the WRONG type of guy! ;-)

Thanks in advance!!; October 11, 2014 at 9:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 10, 6:59PM,
Thanks for sharing your opinion, but I'm guessing you've either misunderstood....or didn't read the entire article. Perhaps you missed this part, "Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill. Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you."; October 11, 2014 at 9:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
Well dear, I'm going to be really honest here with you, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way, because I'm just trying to push you outside of your comfort zone, I'm not trying to offend or judge. So here goes, hang in here with me.

Sometimes, we hold ourselves back because of preconceived notions, being critical, stereotypes, our list of "must haves," and because we confuse attractions that fizzle out fast for lasting attractions, etc. - things like that, you get the idea. And those things act as obstacles to our happiness, they work against us and become self-defeating, sabotaging behaviors.

So just hang in here with me and let me point out to you what I think could possibly be the obstacles here for you, that you're using to gauge your interest in him:

"I hate to say it but he made TWO of the most annoying grammatical mistakes in his email: YOUR instead of "you're" and TO instead of "too". He might has well have used LOOSE instead of "lose".

While I can see what you're saying here, the bottom line is that in the grand scheme of things, the big picture, this man's spelling has little, if anything, to do with your happiness. Meaning, it's not important - at all. Whether or not this man can spell correctly or use proper grammar in emails is not important. What's important is if this man is WILLING to make you happy or not, and whether or not this man CAN make you happy.

Because let's face it, in this day and age, people are communicating via mobile devices. And these mobile devices use autocorrect. And I don't have to tell you how many autocorrect disasters are out there, posted all over the net LOL:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/the-most-concerning-autocorrect-fails-of-all-time#3xiyacc

Additionally, with so many using mobile devices to communicate nowadays, no one's paying much attention to detail concerning them. As long as the "gist" of the message is provided, these days, that's good enough. People are hacking the English language right and left on mobile devices and, for the most part, it's overlooked because the message is still received, even if it's hacked to bits. Hell, it happens here all the time in the comments LOL.

In the long run dear, this man's grammar and spelling isn't what's important. What's important is his willingness to treat you like a lady in order to make you happy and fulfill your needs.

"after my first date with the D.M. I could barely sleep I was so attracted and excited by him. D.M. was FUN, very intelligent, flirty, and yeah, very good looking."

To me, that reads as sexual attraction - something that lots of people often confuse with "chemistry." Sure, sexual attractions is ONE PART of what makes up the chemistry between two people, but it's not the end all, be all of it. There are many other facets that contribute to that, yet nowadays, if people hit on that one - the sexual one - they instantly believe that's special. When all it really means is that you'd like to mate with that person....not necessarily spend a lifetime with them. Because in order to spend a lifetime with someone, it takes a lot more than sexual attraction to keep the pair together.

Cont...; October 11, 2014 at 10:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Additionally, when people are on the first date, they're holding back. They're nervous, uncomfortable, anxious, scared, feeling insecure...and just generally NOT themselves. They're on their best behavior (or at least they should be anyway). And sometimes, these things are their obstacles to happiness. And if we don't give good people a second chance, men who have given us no reason NOT to give them another chance, then we risk missing out on something that could be great, even if it started off a bit slow. Which by the way is how most long term relationships begin...slow. Intensity and passion upfront is generally what leads to brief flings and short affairs, not long term relationships. Because it's the sexual attraction that brings the couple together instantly in that instance, and because there's nothing else binding the couple of real value...that's why it falls apart and cannot sustain the long run, and usually ends up only being a few weeks or at most, 3 months in it's entirety.

So what I'm hearing here dear, is that there's no instant, passionate sexual attraction. And because of that, his other very minor flaws are coming to light. Whereas, if there were instant, passionate sexual attraction, you'd most likely overlook it. If DM spelled incorrectly in an email, I don't think you'd care LOL. So you have to be careful here when dating in that you don't confuse sexual attraction for real, long lasting chemistry.

There IS attraction here, "New Guy was what many could consider classically attractive - tall, broad shoulders, handsome face, full head of NOT gray hair." AND this guy is WILLING to make you happy and treat you like a lady, instead of a sexual play thing.

And while this may be true:

"but his personality made ZERO impression on me. I have dated guys who were not considered attractive but they have won me over with their smarts and humor. NOT with New Guy"

He's only had ONE chance here, and unfortunately, that one chance may have been his first date in years, and a situation that he was not himself in, and entirely uncomfortable about at the time, which could've hindered his true personality considerably.

Maybe the new guy COULD win you over with his personality...if YOU would give him a CHANCE to do so, ya' know? Just some food for thought dear ;-)

Because you said it yourself, "I CAN be seriously attracted to the WRONG type of guy!" And maybe that's because you're confusing sexual attraction for real chemistry. Instead of seeing it for what it is, which is simply sexual attraction that's fleeting and burns out quick.

So what I'm inviting you to think about here is, instead of expecting something that starts off fast and hot and that burns out just as quick to be the chemistry that it takes to hold a relationship together for the long haul....consider that sexual chemistry and true attraction BUILDS OVER TIME when it's truly meant to last. Chemistry that holds people together for years generally does NOT reveal itself immediately.

Cont...; October 11, 2014 at 10:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I cannot tell you dear, how many couples I know that have been together for 35-40+ years, when I ask how they met...the story generally starts with the woman saying something along these lines (mixed with giggles)...."When I first met him, I didn't like him at all. But he was persistent, he kept coming at me and eventually, I gave him a chance...and he won me over."

Just some food for thought dear. If you know that you're usually attracted to the wrong types of men...don't drive yourself insane. Because we all know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again - and expecting different results.

In order to truly change, the change must begin with YOU. And that requires stepping outside of your comfort zone and embracing new things, DIFFERENT things, in order to get DIFFERENT results ;-); October 11, 2014 at 10:19 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror!

I agree with much of what you said. OK, I'm going to have muster up some energy to go on a second date, AND I will attempt to have an open heart and mind.

Yeah, perhaps I was being overly critical regarding his grammar mistakes and perhaps he was not using "auto-correct". True indeed, these are not overly important issues in the grand scheme of things.

You wrote: There IS attraction here, "New Guy was what many could consider classically attractive - tall, broad shoulders, handsome face, full head of NOT gray hair." AND this guy is WILLING to make you happy and treat you like a lady, instead of a sexual play thing.

This is something I have struggled with, and from stuff I've read, many women discount men when they don't feel any chemistry. I think most people upon seeing New Guy would think: "what a handsome man." For whatever f*cked up reason, he did nothing for me. Men complain about women saying "there was no chemistry" and many of these men are probably somewhat boring, dependable, "nice" guys, just like New Guy.

Perhaps New Guy has not been on a date in years. He is 55 years old, however, and has had a high profile job where he has to do a LOT of schmoozing. Maybe it is short-sighted of me to think that I would like to feel just a tiny spark when meeting a man...and yes, I know that instant chemistry very often blows up within 3 months.

Agree, there are stories of long term couples who did not feel anything on the first date, as well as stories of people who "just knew" they had met their long term partner on the first date. Most of the people I know who are in long term relationships said "you just know" when it happens.

That said, anything is possible so I will go on a second date with New Guy and see how it goes. ;-)

Thanks again for your coaching, MOA!

The D.M. would not have made these errors, he is very articulate, literate and an excellent writer. Doh, also not important and you really can't compare these two men - they are like night and day. ;-); October 11, 2014 at 10:49 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Chk,

I hear and understand what you are saying about attraction. Noting the spelling errors is just silly girlfriend -- shake that off.

Ms. Mirror gives great advice.

I read your post a couple hours ago, and then headed out, thinking sporadically about your comment.

The result of my thoughts is similar to my last post: Who IS he?

Who is he underneath the layers of life? I don't think you know that yet.

If you've not seen anything glaringly terrible, or if your gut isn't throwing up red flags, I'd respond to his email in kind and see what he does with it. If nothing else, maybe you'll make a nice new friend.

hugs; October 11, 2014 at 1:56 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"This is something I have struggled with, and from stuff I've read, many women discount men when they don't feel any chemistry. I think most people upon seeing New Guy would think: "what a handsome man." For whatever f*cked up reason, he did nothing for me. Men complain about women saying "there was no chemistry" and many of these men are probably somewhat boring, dependable, "nice" guys, just like New Guy."

I get that, I truly do. But here's the thing. In order to have a lasting relationship, dependability is a necessary ingredient. A relationship will crumble when one or both parties are not dependable, resentment will build. And yea, dependability for many equals boredom. Many chase the "high" or seek the spark of excitement that "gets them going" inside. And that's great, I think relationships should be laced with spontaneous behavior and activities to keep things fresh.

But there is another aspect that can take place that isn't as healthy, that women can tend to confuse for excitement. And the end result is that the "chemistry" felt can actually be an unhealthy form of addiction. Dr. Wendy Walsh explains it best, and there's probably not one woman on the planet that can't relate to what she says.

The concept is the random interval rewards system, and it's a way to psychologically shape human behavior:

"...Plenty of well-meaning women getting snared by a bad boy through a learning theory called the "random interval reward system." Of all the ways to shape human behavior, there's none any better than the random interval reward system. It's what Las Vegas is based on and bad boys do it so good.

It means the reward varies in size and the interval that it's administered, just like a Vegas slot machine. A bad boy shows up, he calls, he takes us to a great date. Everything's amazing. It pays off in a big way.

And then he disappears.

But we get dribs and drabs of reward's. He calls every once in a while. He texts a buncha' times. Maybe he does a drive by date with us and meets us for a drink somewhere. And you're waiting for the next big exciting date. Or the hot sex again.

That's how the bad boy gets you glued to him without you even knowing. He doesn't even know that he's playing a game either. But the fact that he gives his attention in a random way - and at different intervals - makes you addicted.

So it's really important for you to become aware if you are a bad boy chaser, whether it has to do with your attachment style or whether it has to do with your self-esteem or whether you're just addicted to his random rewards."

I think we've probably all had a guy like this zip through our life at one point in time or another. According to Dr. Wendy Walsh, fully 1/3 of women have an attachment disorder for various reasons, which could explain why men are chronically complaining about the effects of "nice guy" syndrome. It could probably also explain why the popularity of the PUA (pick up artist) communities has exploded in the last ten years as well, causing otherwise nice guys to resort to being douchebags when dating instead LOL.

And Gem, her whole reference to the Vegas slot machine in that explanation...I couldn't help but think of Scorpio with his megabucks versus megamillions reference. These guys are dumb like a fox LOL ;-); October 12, 2014 at 7:30 AM
chk61 said...: Thanks MOA and Gem50:

Yes, like most women, I have fallen for the fun, charismatic, intelligent and good looking guy who turns out to be a "bad boy". Unless a woman really plays her cards right, falling for a "bad boy" rarely turns into a relationship. I think these guys CAN and DO fall for women who don't make it easy for them. I have read that single men complain about women complaining that there are "no good men left", but that these women pass over the "nice" guys and are all competing for the 10% of men who fall into the "tall, good-looking, well-employed, powerful or wealthy" category. As you said Mirror, with the rise of the PUA community, many single men say they have learned from experience that women do not want "nice" guys. They say they DO, but when push comes to shove, many women overlook the nice guy and fall for the "bad boy". So when all the women are vying for the attention of the top 10%, these sought-after men become spoiled, narcissistic, with commitment issues, and thus "bad boys". Why settle for one women when there are 10 other women who will date you? Or, that is just one theory.

For example, the author Steve Santagati: a self-professed "bad boy". Very good looking, charismatic, attractive - thus he probably has an easy time with women. I think he may have worked as a model and on TV, and then he wrote the book that ended him up on Oprah, etc. He indicates in the book that he fell for the women who did NOT make it easy for him...the ones that he had to work for and pursue, the ones who were not readily available, who did not bend over backwards for him.

Anyway, regarding New Guy, who is 55 years old. I just think at age 55, what you see is what you get. My sense is he is NOT a bad boy. Yet, he does have a motorcycle! ;-) What I saw and felt was a probably nice, dependable guy. He did take an entire week to contact me after the first date, which is unusual....but no big deal. I guess I feel if he had a sense of humor, I would have seen it sometime during the two hours. At this point, I am looking for lightness, laughter, fun...good rapport and lots to talk and laugh about. And yeah, sometimes this translates into a "spark" or physical attraction. Our conversation was pleasant but it felt stilted, overly serious and heavy. I was the one doing most of the laughing. He felt overly "corporatized" to me, and I am more of an artist/free spirit type.

I have responded to his email yet. He took a week, and now it is two days later. It is a holiday weekend, and ladies, I DO have a life. ;-) I'll email him back today or tomorrow.

That said, I WILL go out with him again, and I will be open-minded and just enjoy the experience. Yet I am not putting all my eggs in his basket. I am continuing to keep myself open to other experiences, other men, and opportunities. Onwards AND upwards!; October 12, 2014 at 8:48 AM
Gem50 said...: @Ms, Mirror,

Yeah, the " reward" reminds me of Scorpio's explanation when we first started texting, "Want you to want more."

Walsh's explanation reminded me of a characteristic listed as an ACOA trait, "Addicted to excitement." Of the list of things (maybe 20 or 30) that were read at the start of each support group session I attended 25 yrs ago, this is the one that hit me bulls-eye and I've never forgot.

In my case, switch "excitement" to "affection." It's easy for me to understand the addiction now, where it came from, etc., but I didn't in my younger days.

Regarding Scorpio, I was going to ask you, Ms. Mirror, to give your prediction on whether he would contact me again after my "walking" text, because I didn't think he would, but decided I'd just watch to see.

He did Friday evening. We were texting for a couple hours with him wanting an invite over. I kept to my familiar responses and was reaching a point where I was ready to blast into him -- become that "crazy lady" lol. I recognized it, and thought, "oh no I'm not." When I typed, "You know what I think?" And was going to lay into him, instead, the recognition of him "running" from our last communication came to me and I felt a change.

Me > You know what I think?

Scorpio > What?

Me> I think you love me.

And then POOF! He disappeared. lol The silence was sweet; I chuckled with it. I imagined him dealing internally with what just happened. He was poking the bear pretty good, and I am sure he expected me to blast him. So yes, his silence told me a lot and I didn't fret. I carried on with what I was doing at home, and to my surprise, it took about an hour, but he text me again -- and this is funny: he completely ignored my last text. lol

We text for another few hours, one of his comments recognized how stubborn we BOTH were. He also asked me if I thought his behavior was wrong. I was not going to go there with him; maybe because I'm not ready/able to do it well yet. I just don't feel it is my place to tell others how to live their life (unless you are harming children/the weak, then I'll fight you with everything I have). They/we learn by living it. I'm also not going to have that conversation with him via a text. Instead, I kept my response to what I want for my life.

Chk's comments to me regarding responding to Scorpio's texts have been rolling around in me since I read them. You made some good points Chk, I haven't ignored them.

So anyway, we ended this marathon texting session with me explaining that I thought it was time for Scorpio and I to let this go between us. He had to, and I had to. I told him that I am happy he has his life the way he wants it, and it's time for me to let this go so that I can truly "get back out there" to try to have the life I want.

His response was, "If u insist," which I think was his knee-jerk reaction of his skill to put the fear of loss (addiction to his attention reward) in women.

I didn't respond.

And then he text again about 15 minutes later > Im still gona try to have u

I didn't respond.

He sent a couple more texts that I didn't respond to.

This has been a great experience for me, and I think when Scorpio thinks about it, it will be a learning experience for him as well. We're all on our journeys... and I'm reminded of something Ms. Mirror repeated a long time ago, similar to, "We are all spiritual beings having a human experience..."

When we see the paths in front of us ladies, choose the better one -- even if it looks harder, steeper, longer, that's the one you take. Your soul knows which one it is; but if you can't identify it clearly, look for the light (the clear kind).

with love (hugs); October 12, 2014 at 10:45 AM
Anonymous said...: @chk61

I agree that you should give this man another chance. And who knows, maybe he will say or do something even more repulsive to you than making spelling mistakes, so at least you will be certain that you did the right thing when you decide to write him off for good. And looking at the situation from another perspective - do you think you have a different option? You want to feel chemistry but you know that you can feel it only with men who make you feel unwanted and miserable later. The problem with this one as I understand it is that he doesn´t push your buttons so you feel bored. I personally have decided to approach guys more rationally on first dates - isn´t he physically repulsive or rude to me, doesn´t he make me feel straigtaway that I will come after his ex-wife and children in the order of importance, doesn´t he want to parasite on me financially or otherwise, doesn´t he overpower me and I feel like nobody with him, etc.? When my eyes are open I can sense this on the very first date. If he is okay in those regards and I feel free and comfortable in his presence I have decided (rationally) to give such a man more chances and if nothing at all develops from my side we can at least go cycling together. Because believe me or not, to find a good cycling companion is almost as difficult as finding a partner. So I have made this rational decision and I think you are very lucky because since I´ve made it I haven´t met a man who would meet my criteria. So once again, my opinion is - I would go on the second date and see what will happen.

Good luck,
Hopeful; October 12, 2014 at 12:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
And so it is time...to move forward and bask in your latest stage of growth. More powerful, confident and stronger than before.

Think about it Gem, a year ago would you have ever refused any advance by Scorpio. Or done so without being riddled with self doubt?

You're now fearless. Meaning, the fear of losing something when walking away from it or taking a stance for yourself in romantic matters...has now been dealt with. It's gone, it's powerless against you and will no longer control you. You have rejected, he has returned. You have ignored, and he was still there. You have walked, and he still tried to talk.

You now know that it's okay to say no, and to walk away...because nine times out of ten, when you do so with grace and no emotional display...they're still there anyway LOL ;-); October 12, 2014 at 7:23 PM
Lottie said...: Dear Ms Mirror/Ladies,

I have to say Ms Mirror that your site has become quite addictive. I am captivated by all the stories and the advice. It’s so evolving and for those who post regularly it’s heartening to read about your journeys.

I thought I might also share a bit about where I am today. It’s approximately a year since the Scorpio Dr ended things with me and since I last saw him. It affected me more than I care to let on to my family and friends. I made some huge changes to my life [Much needed I believe]. I left my job in July and went off to teach sport to Children. I remember deliberating about this decision because it was such a huge step and I didn’t actually think I would go through with it.

But, one night I had a dream….. and it was so powerful and vivid that it prompted me to go in the next day and do the deed without even giving it a moments thought.

It was a dream about a small boy….and in this dream he is coming towards me and I am crouched down with my arms open. The thing is this boy in my dream [about 2 years old] had been so neglected and mistreated in his short life but he was not crying and appeared so brave. I don’t know what it was about that dream but it had me in tears for the next few days after. It still brings a lump to my throat when I think about it.

It’s strange I’m 37 and I never really thought about children. I never ruled my life by my biological clock. I remember having the conversation about children with Scorpio. He was the one who had bought it up but it wasn’t the one thing that drove me for wanting to settle down. Even Scorpio acknowledged that in me.

But these past weeks have been especially eye opening. Obviously returning back to work has been a top priority and I was a bit nervous that I wasn’t being contacted as easily as I had been in the past for jobs.

But the thought of returning to my old way of life now kind of filled me with fear and I didn’t know why.

And you know the conclusion I came too?........I realized that I had been so over doing things, I had been running around like a headless chicken. I was doing so so much I had run myself down and I didn’t even know it.

I had neglected my core self.

I had a good well paid job. It came at a price….it was tough and I had to put up with a lot. I was all smiles at work and I was always the type of person who never let things get to her.

Outside of work I was involved in running a sports club for girls and ladies ….which in itself was another full time job, also fraught with politics and stress.

In the last year I was running about as I had bought a house and had completely had it renovated. Although it went well…it was still quite stressful managing it all by myself. To top it all off….. and how I found myself to Ms Mirror’s site…. I thought that I had met the man of my dreams…..only for it to end so abruptly and leave me as “roadkill”

I remember saying to a friend last year, kinda half joking, but I think I must have meant it as well that I thought I might be a bit stressed. He just laughed “you stressed.!!!.”

I internalize so much that from the outside people think that I am never really fazed by things or that they don’t affect me. I think I believed that myself.

Looking back now…..I realized that all of this had taken it’s toll on me….and indeed I did think that I was stressed.

I have achieved so much that I am proud of….but it was not easy but I never want to go back to those levels again.

On Friday I stepped down from my duties from my sports club. I had given 9 years of my life…..and it had meant so much to me…so it was not an easy decision.

I did start dating this year [some internet dating/some set up’s] but nothing transpired. It was not negative; I didn’t allow it to be. I was armed with Ms Mirror’s knowledge now.

I did join up with something recently…which has really filled a void for me.
My social life in the past few years really became my work colleagues and my sports club.; October 13, 2014 at 6:05 AM
Lottie said...: Cont…2/2

It’s an internet site where people create groups based on interests. The one I joined was a local one, basically one aimed at people who had moved to the area and were just looking to make friends. Although I had moved to the area sometime ago, it was not quite “home” for me. Anyway I had my first meetup….I was a little anxious…but it felt “right” [it was small – only 8 of us, 5 ladies & 3 guys] at a small local restaurant.

I remembered my agenda that day and all I wanted to do was go and have a bit of a giggle. I had no interest in meeting someone romantically. We had such a nice time. We talked a bit about TV shows and celebrity gossip [George Clooney & Amal’s wedding!!] & movies… all very light hearted. I have a feeling they are all single…but I didn’t ask. Anyway I have a few events I am attending in the next few weeks which I am really looking forward to. It’s such a great way to get out more.

I also started Tai Chi last week. There is an old Chinese man who every morning teaches it in the park…free of charge 365 days of the year. He makes me smile.
I have found it so therapeutic. It’s meditation in motion. Taking in the energy from the autumn sun and watching the mist hover over the green fields….well it’s just so healing. I am truly loving it.

Ms Mirror…I’m feeling quite Zen right now…lol :)

In terms of Scorpio, I do think about him. But it’s more out of habit. I find myself stretching more to remember details and feelings. I used to remember that I would be devastated if I ever were to bump into him with another lady. But now I would be relived….the fantasy would be well and truly killed.

If I were to bump into him by himself…I would just feel uncomfortable/awkward. He is quite a stranger to me…odd, when you think you were so close with someone.

But it’s strange….there is still a dull ache in my chest. I don’t know when that will pass.

I know this is an essay….but gosh I have realized quite a few things over the year. I still have my deepest wish unfulfilled. But I promise myself I will be kinder to me now.

As for now, I intend to enjoy the fruits of my labour and to just have a giggle.
Wishing you all well.
Love Lottie x; October 13, 2014 at 6:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lottie,
You've decided to start a new chapter dear, which is good. Change is good. The transition can be uncomfortable, but then again, that's when you know you're doing the "work" to change.

It seems as if possibly, this last year, you've been searching for yourself in a sense. Making changes and doing things that please you, and then observing to see if any of those things fulfill you. And when they no longer do, you're acknowledging that and moving on, rather than being stagnant and settling. I went through a period such as this years ago and while it was all very uncomfortable and very uncertain for me, in the end, the convoluted path I was on not only taught me many lessons along the way, but also led me to exactly where I needed to be.

And I think you and many of the women here are in a similar phase of the journey. And through trial and error, successes and failures...you'll all end up exactly where you need to be as well. And what's funny is that what I realized eventually was that....my journey wasn't necessarily all about the things and people around me, or the places I experienced along the way....so much as it was about finding "happiness" which in the end I realized is basically "contentment." When I finally became content with my life and who I was as a person, I was happy and at peace.

And that's what I wish for all the ladies here...that your journey leads you to a place of peace and contentment with life and with yourself. Because when you find sanctuary like that in life, you're truly blessed in my opinion. And it's at that time that you realize that all the people that passed through your life, all the experiences they've provided....helped to serve as teachers that propelled your personal growth to new heights. And for me, that's when "gratitude" entered the picture. I went from cursing the people and experiences I had, to embracing the fact that they entered my life and made me a better version of myself...and finally felt gratitude for all of that. And when those things came together, peace, contentment and gratitude...I realized I felt 100 times better and for the first time ever, was truly happy.

And that's the type of journey I wish for all you ladies here :-); October 13, 2014 at 8:42 AM
Lotte said...: Hi Ms Mirror,

Yes indeed, I have decided to start a new chapter. My chapter involves clearing out/simplifying my life. When you talked about contentment and peace…..i felt goosebumps. I do crave that. No amount of money can buy that.

I have been searching for myself Ms Mirror. I got caught up in “life” …almost like a hamster in a wheel going round and round…and I did neglect myself. Ms Mirror, there is a small part of me that is at peace now. I am exploring things, but not to gain or achieve things….but things I feel my soul needs. If it makes sense….I am kinda letting my soul dictate at the moment.

It does mean letting go…to stop trying to control things. Letting things happen naturally. That takes a huge leap of faith for me. It feels like I am putting my life in the hands of someone else now. Ms Mirror…it does feel quite uncertain. Actually, No, it doesn’t….I couldn’t be more certain in my life that I am on the right path now…..even though I do not have a clue where I am going.

I have a feeling things will work out. I don’t just say that blindly, but because a couple of coincidences recently gave me real pause for thought [and not just from the clairvoyant business]

To remain true and in tune with myself. That is probably my only goal.

I know I have mentioned this. But I would like to meet someone. I am not lonely, nor do I feel pressured by my biological clock,…but I do want to experience a new chapter in my life and that chapter now involves someone else too.

Ms Mirror, thanks for all your help and advice and your dedication in guiding us all. You don’t have to do this …but you do….and that takes one very big heart.

Lottie x; October 14, 2014 at 6:04 PM
Zoe said...: Dear Moa and Lottie,

thank you for your thoughts, reading your messages is so empowering. Gratitude and contentment are the key to happyness, I totally agree! I am in the same shoes as Lottie. I do want a healthy and harmonious relationship and someone to share my life with but I just dont seem to meet the right one. I always overdo, I am very proactive by nature and it is so hard for me to just let it be...I need to learn it though! And when I read MoA's words of people being teachers in ours lives, it just clicked why I keep meeting these disappearing men...bc I need to let it go, I need to let it be, I need to learn to stop chasing and doing and just let them go...Until I learn this, I will meet more and more of this type and Im emotionally so tired now. I want to be free and learn to let go...

It just feels sometimes so hard to let things happen naturally bc as Lottie said, it is a bit like losing control of your own life. But if you think about it, it is just the opposite. If you believe in destiny and that if something is meant to be, it will happen, then the best you can do is let it happen and not fight it...because that fighting, doing, and forcing is just making your life more difficult and you will eventually end up where you need to be anyway but if you constantly fight it, it will be so much more painful...

All my life I have almost always been in relationships, having only a max of 2-3 month break in between. I was that type of woman who just wanted to be in love all the time...when a relationship ended, I always had great difficulty letting go and I eventually managed to completely forget my exes when soon after the break ups I met the next man. I never really went through the complete letting go process on my own, I always needed the "help" of the next man. I always thought that my life can only be happy and complete if I had a man in it. But finally I want to stop waiting for a man to make me happy, it will never happen. It all comes from within....it is never from outside, never. I need to find my inner peace all by myself. It will be a hard but exciting journey of self discovery.

Sorry if it all sounds rambling, just some random thoughts inspired by your conversation...Thank you Moa for inspiring all of us. Your wisdom is invaluable, thank you for sharing it! xxx; October 15, 2014 at 4:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Zoe,
"And when I read MoA's words of people being teachers in ours lives, it just clicked why I keep meeting these disappearing men...bc I need to let it go, I need to let it be, I need to learn to stop chasing and doing and just let them go...Until I learn this, I will meet more and more of this type and I'm emotionally so tired now. I want to be free and learn to let go..."

That's the thing about the universe (or God as some would say). You are not given what you want, you are given what you NEED. Even if you don't realize you need it.

The universe will hammer you out dear. Meaning, it will keep dishing the same things over and over again to you, until you CHANGE your response to them. When you do that, you experience a leap of growth and it's like passing "go" in the game Monopoly...you're free to move onto the next square.

"it is a bit like losing control of your own life"

It's called faith dear.

And let's face it, we're never really ever truly controlling anything anyway. All we're ever doing is FEELING like we are. But the reality is that our efforts very rarely change the outcome and instead, exhaust us and use up our energy reserves. Control is a bit of a false illusion when it comes to relationships because in truth...you can't make someone love you, want to be with or or want a relationship with you - no matter what you do.

"All my life I have almost always been in relationships, having only a max of 2-3 month break in between"

I'm a FIRM believe dear, that every woman needs ONE YEAR alone - no dates. You know why? Because that fleshes out her independence as well as her confidence. FEAR keeps you attached, keeps you co-dependent and feeling like you can't do it on your own.

Spend a year alone - and you prove to yourself that you CAN do it alone. That removes the fear and makes you fearless instead. It also boosts your confidence and rounds out your independence. And when you have no fear, you have nothing binding you - you are no longer dependent on anyone but yourself. Which then means that those that enter your life ADD to it - but they are not the end-all, be-all to your existence, as fear would trick you into believing.

And then you feel free. Free of fear, free of dependency - free to fly ;-); October 15, 2014 at 5:13 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Lottie,
Loved reading your recent posts, very cool. Your comment regarding smiling with the Tai Chi instructor made me smile as well. It’s contagious!

@ Ms. Mirror and the Ladies, I have some fun to share!

I had Monday off, so did GF. We went for a walk in my neighborhood at about noon. It was chilly. I was in my sweats, hair pulled back and bundled up in vest, scarf, gloves, etc. Not so easy to recognize.

I see a tree branch on side of road and tell GF about an idea I have for a holiday decoration. I’m holding it out at arm’s length explaining my idea, and hear a motorcycle coming our way.

“Who brings in and decorates a DEAD tree branch as a Christmas tree?” GF wants to know.
“Me!” I respond, “you just wait and see how this looks…,” We are both laughing at the other; me gazing at this dead branch as if it's art, her shaking her head as the motorcycle comes closer. I toss the branch back into the trees and we begin to walk again.

As the motorcycle is upon us, I see the man riding it is watching me. He’s not looking at GF at all. He’s locked on me. It was the way he was looking at me that caught my attention. It wasn’t creepy, but it was deep. I wish I could explain it, but I can’t because I don't understand it myself. He was wearing dark sunglasses, helmet, and was bundled up as well. The bike was very nice. I noticed his beard, his expression looking at me, and thought “hmm, is that ** ?” As he passed, we watched each other. GF paid him no mind.

GF and I went out Saturday to listen to a kid play guitar. When we were at the bar, a guy walked in and GF asked me, “Isn’t that 46?” (46 is the man from August who commented on me being, “such a girl,” the night I was feeling my essence/Power.) I tell her no. She asks if I’m sure. I am. And then I scan the bar of men and think about 46; I wonder how he is, etc. I just think about him for a bit before settling in for some good live music.

After the motorcycle passed us Monday, I told GF, “I think THAT was 46.” GF showed no interest.

Continued; October 15, 2014 at 6:27 PM
Gem50 said...: 2 of 2

As we walk, nothing more was said about 46, but I thought about him. I compared the feelings I was having (I just new in my gut it was 46) to how I felt w/Scorpio. I liked the way 46 looked at me – it felt comforting. The look I saw Monday was similar to what I saw the night we met – when he was standing at the men’s room waiting to go in, I saw him looking at me with the same expression.

46 had asked to become FB friends the night we met. So later on Monday, I went on FB to look at his pics to see if the bike was there - just to confirm my gut. Yep, there was the bike. It was him.

A few weeks after meeting 46, he had posted something on FB that I took notice of. He used two phrases in a sequence that were buried within my FB page -- same sequence. Different pics, but same two exact phrases – and not common for this area. Coincidence? Maybe. I decided not to take the bait.

Well, later on Monday, I thought, “There is something about that look of his towards me, I’ve seen it two times now. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. So, why not do what I was thinking?”

At 5:37pm I posted on my FB page, “I’m wondering if that was you today… :)”

I didn’t direct it to anyone, I didn’t include a name. It was posted publicly. If it was him, it would be his choice to respond to it -- if he even saw it. If it wasn’t him, no foul.

I checked back at about 7:15pm and to my surprise, 46 had “liked” the comment @ 5:46pm (9 minutes after post). And then at 6:25pm he left a comment, “I saw you!”

I sent him a message instead of posting publicly > That post was for you :)
He responded immediately > I knew it! ;)

We sent a few messages back and forth, all respectful, pleasant, courteous stuff. I asked how were things, he said, "ok." He said he recognized me pretty quick and thought about turning around but didn’t want to scare me. I replied that he wouldn’t have and, “maybe I was packen’ lol.” (Probably not the smartest thing to write since he is in the “life saving” field of emergency/operating rooms. Lol Oh well, another learning experience :)

Looking at his fb page, he’s still with his gf and it shows he is “in a relationship.” So, still off limits ladies, but what I enjoyed about this was how I felt – and how different it felt from my feelings with Scorpio these days. With Scorpio, I feel as though I have to keep protecting myself; that any slip-up on my part could mean he’d be at my door. I didn’t feel that at all with 46. And I couldn’t help but chuckle because I met 46 2+ months ago, and after thinking of him 36 hrs prior, he appears!

And no worries, 46 isn’t stalking my neighborhood. When we met, he said he was living with his gf about 4 miles away from where I live, so I am sure he was just passing through.

We ended conversation with 46 > Next time I will stop
Me > sounds good
46> (thumbs up symbol)

So now I disappear from 46 thinking Chk’s phrase: Onward and Upward!! (and I just Love the Power of the Universe!!); October 15, 2014 at 6:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
OMG, I love it. I laughed out loud at this:

"He said he recognized me pretty quick and thought about turning around but didn’t want to scare me. I replied that he wouldn’t have and, “maybe I was packen’ ”

LOL, he's all like, "Hey, I was going to circle back around to say hello" and you're like, "Yea, do that - I'm packin' heat, maybe I'll shoot you - I need a moving target." - OMG, I love it!! That's hilarious...and it's precisely the type of sense of humor that men love dear ;-); October 16, 2014 at 6:28 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Lottie, thank you. I feel the same towards you and the changes you have made in your life. WOW!

Thank you for sharing the Rainmaker story.; October 16, 2014 at 7:40 PM
Zoe said...: @Lottie, great story about letting it be, thank you for sharing! I actually got a "let it be" tattoo done on my wrist, it is small and I love it, I want to remember the importance of it every time I look at it! xx; October 17, 2014 at 4:21 PM
Anonymous said...: After 6 months of no contact with my DM I received communication from him. You are so right Mirror, when men hear crickets and have the time to think it all out they know exactly where they went wrong as he addressed all these issues in his communication! I was shocked as he is shy and introverted and although he's extremely successful professionally, emotionally he's a man of few words. He then concluded by saying "I miss you so "expletive" much and feel like I've lost you." I don't know what to think? I deeply care about this man, and have for the past 2 years but his disappearing acts when he's down on his luck in his career game depress me. Now that he's back on top with his career he contacts me? I gather from knowing him that being successful in his career defines him, his career means everything to him. I wrote back but was non-committal. Your thoughts MOA? Thanks.

Astrid; October 19, 2014 at 12:23 PM
Sophie said...: Hi MOA and all the lovely ladies here,

I have been reading this post and catching up on the comments in the past week and have been so encouraged by the empowerment and love this community is spreading. Go girl power! This is my first time commenting on any website but would like to share my progress since last week.

1) Leo Man
Met him online and he's been consistent asking me out for about 2 weeks before I would agree to meet him. I instinctively knew I should ask for plenty of heads up and after a few rounds of back and forth (him asking me out on the same day, I politely declined), he finally asked me out a week in advance. Having committed most if not all of the mistakes that were discussed in this post, he started to become less available and disappeared for a whole week when I was out of town. I went MIA on him after he failed to align his promises of taking me out to do fun activities and get concert tickets etc with real action. While I was taking the time to review what I need in life and what I want from him, I went on dates with other men.

He circled back after 12 days (just under MOA's 2 week estimation above) with the following messages:

Sat 10:26pm Hi
Sat 10:38pm What are you up to?

I have not responded at all and feeling less and less inclined to do so. We have agreed to go to a live music gig this Friday and he was supposed to get tickets while I was out of town. He would have expected me to get in touch to confirm with him as he knows I love going to music events but I have already made alternative plans and got tickets with my girlfriends. High five!

Question: Does this count as 1 or 2 attempts? You mentioned one should not cave in and respond unless there is sign of remorse or apology but is this his way of trying to get in touch and apologise next? I still have some feelings for him though admittedly cooled down a lot since my NC and just view him as one of the options (I maintain my own rotation and have to say guys can be somewhat oblivious too - Leo Man must have thought he was the only one in the mix!) and I would like to see him again.

When should I respond and what to say? We also got tickets to a concert first weekend of November too...

2) Aquarius Man
Met him around the same time as Leo Man above but I wasn't as attracted to him and NATURALLY I did all the 'right' things that was suggested above. He admitted that all men would play games and play hard to get just to get the girls hooked (ha! coming from the horse's mouth) and whoever caves in and reaches out first will forever give up power in the relationship (!!!). He claimed that didn't see the need with me as 'You are so different from the other girls - not emotional but fun and interesting' but am taking it slow with him.

Posting here just to encourage all the ladies that MOA is absolutely on the money and guys can be manipulative and calculating to get what they want.

Thank you MOA to put down what I always suspected into such eloquent posts :-); October 19, 2014 at 11:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Astrid,
"You are so right Mirror, when men hear crickets and have the time to think it all out they know exactly where they went wrong as he addressed all these issues in his communication!"

Funny how that works, huh? ;-)

Problem is, most time us women are so impatient and are so caught up in trying to control things and speed things up to our liking...that we don't give men the time they need to go through the thought process that brings them to this necessary point LOL.

"Your thoughts MOA?"

Well, you already know this about him "his disappearing acts when he's down on his luck in his career game depress me. Now that he's back on top with his career he contacts me? I gather from knowing him that being successful in his career defines him, his career means everything to him"....so you already know that the next time he's down on his career luck, he'll cope with it by bolting on you.

I wouldn't be committal with him at this point either. I'd totally pull back and I'd wait to see if he steps up to the plate, and then follows through - repeatedly. He feels sorry for himself and feels like he's lost you - well he did, and that's exactly how he SHOULD feel.

When you take people for granted, you risk losing them. It's really that simple.

So at this point dear, you need to think about what a future with this man might possibly look like, given what you already know, and you need to determine whether or not you feel that's worth investing time and energy into. In the meantime, I'd continue dating other men and moving forward. I would not place all my eggs in this mans basket, nor would I let him back easily. I'd make him scale some hoops and prove himself first...while I carried on doing my thing and kinda paying him no real mind LOL.; October 20, 2014 at 5:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sophie,
"have been so encouraged by the empowerment and love this community is spreading"

I'm glad you're finding value here dear and participating and sharing with us :-)

"I have already made alternative plans and got tickets with my girlfriends. High five!"

GOOD for YOU! You snooze, you lose - and he lost.

He probably took it for granted that YOU would do the work here of following up and making sure you attended that event with him...but he's got a surprise coming LOL ;-) How much you wanna' bet he'll pull the lame "but you didn't contact me, so I didn't know" routine. Like as if you need to be the man (leader) in the situation - when meanwhile, you've already agreed to the date - all he needed to do was follow through, like a man - yet he failed do so and will most likely blame that on YOU not contacting HIM.

"When should I respond and what to say?"

I'd take my good old time responding (..but then again, I probably would've already written him off by now LOL ;-)...and I'd say something lame myself like, "Hey, not doing much, been busy lately though" and leave it at that. I wouldn't go out of my way for a man who disappeared for almost two weeks and then resurfaced with something like that, when meanwhile, we've already made plans for this weekend.

When I did the online thing, I had a guy do that too...and I did exactly what you did...I made other plans. This guy resurfaced weeks later as if nothing had happened. When I was non-responsive, he started sending texts like a mad man. When those went unanswered, the last text I got from him was about a mystery "gift" of some sort..."Hey, I know you're upset with me and I let you down. But I got a gift for you, where can I meet you?"

Umm...nowhere buddy - or maybe the south entrance of Death Valley, where I've already laid you to rest LOL. How much you wanna' bet this so-called "gift" was going to be his mere presence and the fact that he showed up LOL - yea, no thanks pal. And do you know, he text me every week after that for two months and had conversations with himself. "I know you won't answer this, but I hope you had a good day. My day was okay." "I know you probably hate me, but I thought of you today. I went for a walk, had a good time." Couldn't be bothered following through the first time, but drove himself nuts for two months after that. WTF?? Whatever.

"He admitted that all men would play games and play hard to get just to get the girls hooked (ha! coming from the horse's mouth) and whoever caves in and reaches out first will forever give up power in the relationship (!!!)."

Exactly. Men tend to be "dumb like a fox." Many play the clueless card, but meanwhile, they're angling things to their advantage from day one - don't fall for the act, it's all a ruse...smoke a mirror ladies LOL ;-); October 20, 2014 at 6:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Umm - "smoke a mirror ladies" - I meant, "smoke and mirrors ladies"....WTF, I'm the one who must be smoking something here LOL ;-); October 20, 2014 at 6:10 PM
Sophie said...: Thank you MOA for taking the time to read through my post and respond with so many ideas :-)

I have waited (and may I add unintentionally) till today (3 days later) to remember that I have not responded. It was a lame attempt to reach out but he is a stubborn Leo so I think he may have gone through a battle of his heart and mind to send me that text. After all, he has had it easy so far!

I will respond today to test if he is going to ask about the live music gig on Friday and still complies with the 3-day rule. Will keep it light hearted and casual.

On the other hand, I sat tight and did not reach out after a wonderful date with Aquarius Man on Sat. He followed up and asked me out again to play tennis together. Did not want to be predictable I politely declined and that drove him crazy. Immediately asked me out for dinner next Thursday (he will be out of town this weekend).

Ladies, you can do it too! Reset the tone of the relationship and pace it according to how you would like to take it forward.

Another tip which may be useful while you try to go NC: I have been taking part in the Gratitude Challenge. Giving thanks to 3-5 things every morning in your life and that made me appreciate what I have instead of pining for what I don't have. A great way to change your energy and build inner peace, and that makes time fly. Be the 'ungettable girl' and kick their a**!

Much love,
Sophie; October 20, 2014 at 10:39 PM
Sophie said...: Just wanted to add that we spent every Fri / Sat together so far except when either of us was out of town (he took a trip and I had another in the last 2 months) so he may have been expecting that...

Will keep practising while maintaining my cool inner peace ;-); October 20, 2014 at 10:45 PM
Sophie said...: Update since this morning and apologies this is separated into multiple posts. I live in a different time zone and therefore most of the 'fun things' happen when you may be dreaming the evening away.

Leo Man replied within 30 min despite his 'no mobile phone' policy at work.

Me 11:50am Hi how is it going? Been quite busy
Him 12:28pm Going well
Him 12:29pm Flat out too
Him 12:29pm That was a long response time!

So... not getting in touch for 12 days or his usual response time of anything from 2 hours to 2 days is not a 'very long response time'?

Just to add a punch below his belt, instead of mirroring his half hour reply, I didn't reply till after my lunch time yoga class and getting my organic salad on the go.

Me 3:35pm Oops really? Haha... Time flies!

And we all know that time flies WHEN WE ARE HAVING FUN ;-)

Ouch...

Much love for you all,
Sophie; October 21, 2014 at 6:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your insight Mirror, much appreciated! Yes, I'm going to lay low and see how this pans out. He messaged me saying he hopes we can chat again soon which I waited 4 days to reply to. He also said he'd like to phone me which I didn't even address. I saw him online today but did not say anything as he never replied to my response. These types are what my mother and grandmother call a "Billy Under the Bed." Too funny! Thanks again MOA, I've so enjoyed reading your page over these past two years - I've learned so much. Sending love and hope to all.

Astrid; October 21, 2014 at 10:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I'm sorta upset right now and I'll tell you why... I finally went mia on my DM man for about 45 days and then I recently messaged him the other day and had a few convos back and fourth. He mentioned he hadn't heard from me in a long time and I told him I was busy. During the time that I had disappeard on him he messged me twice asking how I was and of course I kept silent. Anyways, he then says to me "Day off Tomorow" and then asked what I was doing, I said, The usual stuff...work and I asked him
"How about the weekend" and he never returned my message and it's been 3 days. Is he mad that I didn't just say yes at the last minute or he is mad because I went mia for so long? I've known him for over a year or so now and we've been trying to see each other but it hasn't been easy since we both travel a lot. He has told me before he had a lot of fun with me and can't wait to see my smile again so I assume he somewhat is a bit intrested in seeing me again. But why is ignoring me now! So frustrating. What are your thoughts on this Mirror and why would he just ignore me like that?

Thank you for listening and any advice you can provide I am all ears :)

Gratefully,

rosegirl @)>----; October 22, 2014 at 3:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @rosegirl @)>----,
"Is he mad that I didn't just say yes at the last minute or he is mad because I went mia for so long?"

I don't think he's mad at all dear. Think about it -- he was a disappearing man BEFORE you went MIA on him for 45 days, right? And he's a disappearing man now, AFTER the 45 day period.

So what does that tell you?

It tells you that he is who he is -- and nothings changed -- and it probably never will :-(

It's not your fault he's a jagoff dear LOL. Again, he is who he is and sometimes men like this, they never change, which is why they're a complete waste of time.

Many men like this are what I refer to as "mimbos" - male bimbos of sorts LOL. They're players, serial daters, non-committal types and serial bachelors who like "variety" in women and playing the field. Those guys are mimbos..."good time guys." Often, they're not the type of man you can take seriously for a relationship.

A good time? Yea, the mimbo is your man LOL. A relationship? A mimbo is a complete waste of time. They're not reliable, not consistent, emotionally immature, secretly insecure...they've got hangups dear, and lots of traits that don't make for good partners, husbands or lovers :-(

It's not you -- he was this way BEFORE, and he's STILL this way. So all this tells you is that nothing's changed and it probably isn't going to either...so free yourself emotionally from him and move on to something more worthy or your time and attention dear :-); October 22, 2014 at 6:05 PM
Sophie said...: Hi Mirror,

Thank you for answering everyone's posts and I continue to learn so much from your reply to other ladies on this comment board (perhaps time to collect some of the pearls of wisdom?)

I actually thought after my last response to Leo Man he would give up as I am no longer easy for him and waiting around for him to ask me out. To my surprise he asked me out that same day to meet up with him after a work event. Also claimed he would really like to see me as he hadn't seen me for ages (2.5 weeks at this point). I was actually having dinner with a group of friends and did not reply until after. Was too tired and also I remembered your advice on the 3-day heads up so told him no. He asked me again the next morning to meet him after work and I told him no again.

Guess what, we now settled on Saturday, 3 days from when he last asked me.

Mirror you are a genius! Instead of 'Let's meet up after work' now we are making plans in advance.

However, I need your advice again on his reaction when I asked him if he has any fun ideas for Sat. He replied right away with a 'hmmmm, nope' which was frustrating! He manned up so far and made consistent-enough attempts to ask me out, only to end with this?!?!

Should I put down some hints as to what sort of activities I may like to do and ask him to make suggestions? Still think he should take the lead and make a plan if he really wants to see me that badly.

On the other hand, already got dinner plans with Aquarius guy next Thursday. He has been a real gentleman so far and has not pressed the issue of s** at all, but he has not asked me out on a weekend evening yet so would that be a red flag? We have done dinners on Thursdays, hiking on a Saturday, and he brought me to a charity event at the country club and met his friends too but that was a Wednesday evening...

Sophie; October 22, 2014 at 10:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sophie,
"Guess what, we now settled on Saturday, 3 days from when he last asked me....Mirror you are a genius! Instead of 'Let's meet up after work' now we are making plans in advance."

Funny how these things work, huh LOL ;-)

And Sophie's application of these concepts should validate to the rest of the ladies reading here that it's okay to say no. It's okay to not compromise yourself or put yourself out. If men are genuinely interested, they WILL meet you in the middle. You don't have to bend over backwards for a man to garner his attention. (Only men who are insecure, selfish, immature and not genuinely interested are arrogant enough to expect a woman to cater to them that deeply.)

"Should I put down some hints as to what sort of activities I may like to do and ask him to make suggestions? Still think he should take the lead and make a plan if he really wants to see me that badly."

I agree. And for all you men hanging off every word in this thread daily that pretend you're not here (yea, you know who you are)...take note - women like men who are LEADERS. Just sayin'.

Anywho, he's come this far. So why not try a response like this to nudge him along. Something like, "No plans? How about dinner at [insert restaurant name] at 7PM?"

Don't say anything else, just gauge his reaction to that suggestion. Cause you're signaling there that you want to be treated like a lady on a formal date. So feel him out for what he thinks of that. (Cause these guys act like true dating is so damn rare these days, you never know how they'll react, they're all living in the disappointing, lonely and unfulfilling "hookup" culture.)

"but he has not asked me out on a weekend evening yet so would that be a red flag?"

Not yet. It's a bit early so this is still blossoming. But if you get six weeks into this and still no weekend availability, then that becomes somewhat of a red flag and indicates he's not moving the relationship forward (because he's happy in casual dating land, keeping his weekends for boys nights out most likely).

Give that a bit more time and see where he leads you. (If it feels like he's starting to steer you into a ditch, open the door of the car and bail LOL ;-); October 23, 2014 at 5:32 PM
Sophie said...: Morning Mirror,

Thank you for taking the time to provide such detailed feedback! Really appreciate the support you give all of us here :-)

Agree that Leo Man has been putting in much more effort than before and he's come this far. Wonder why he has to put himself through this by disappearing in the first place ;-) Actually since I have dinner plans on Sat, I just told him I would like to get out to the country side to take in some fresh air and asked if he had any suggestions. Also threw in a little carrot and said he has done a great job every time he took me out.

Now we have agreed to go hiking on Saturday. What I don't understand is why would he ask to meet up AGAIN last night, just a mere 2 days before our date? If he really couldn't wait to see me then he should not have disappeared in the first place haha...

Regarding Aquarius Guy, he actually lost his phone (and my contact details along with it) when he was on holiday. Got stolen on a beach when he was swimming and he plays field hockey 3-4 times a week. Doesn't leave a lot of free time for us to meet. We had some dates on weekends but day time only so I will look out for any suggestions of us meeting on a Friday or Saturday evening in the next couple of weeks.

How long should I wait to see if he would make such a move before I open the door of the car and bail?

Sophie x; October 23, 2014 at 11:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sophie,
"How long should I wait to see if he would make such a move before I open the door of the car and bail?"

That's a personal decision dear, however, if you've been dating 2 months or more and things don't seem to be moving forward, then that might be a good time to review the relationship.; October 24, 2014 at 8:31 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,
I doubt you'll remember me but I wrote you almost a year ago needing a non-biased opinion on a situation I was dealing with. I've known this guy since high school, we started out as friends, he expressed interest in me by how much he was calling and going out of his way to speak to me in school, so I developed a crush on him. I tell him and he drops a ball saying he was talking to another girl and I’m like when did you find the time to talk to this girl when you was always talking to me? So I was mad and didn’t talk for a few months. Eventually we ended up talking again, only this time we crossed the friendship line and started messing around. It went so far that I gave my virginity to him and afterwards I expressed how I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. He said that he’s not ready for a relationship, how he’s bad at them and doesn’t want to lose me, blah blah blah, but not even a month later he's in a relationship with someone else -____- Instead of being mad I was hurt this time b/c I just gave my virginity to him and really wanted to be with him then seeing him on Facebook all on another chick really broke my heart.

2 years go by and by that time I was over the situation. He pops back up in my life apologizing for everything saying that it ate him up inside how he hurt me and I ended up letting him back in, big mistake. We spent almost a year building back our relationship and ended up sleeping with each other. Well I had to learn the hard way and I wasted another year and a half trying to get this guy to commit and he just wasn't doing it. While he was sleeping with me, he was still with his girlfriend he chose over me few years back. I started really noticing changes in him last summer and when I finally got the courage to talk to him about it last fall, his response “you need to get out of your feelings” Wow seriously? You would think that would’ve been enough for me to stop dealing with him. It wasn’t. That’s when I came to your site and asked for your opinion and you said it was best that I let this go. My mind was telling me yes you’re so right, but my heart wasn’t ready to accept it. But once my birthday came and I didn’t get a call or text, I was done. Out of all the years he’s known me, and the fact our birthdays are 6 days apart, I thought that he would’ve reached out but he didn’t. I wasn’t asking for a gift, I wasn’t asking for him to spend time with me, all I was wanting was a simple Happy Birthday and he couldn’t even do that for me. And that was the final nail in the coffin that this dude just doesn’t give a damn about me. Our entire relationship was fake and that he was just using me an outlet when things were going bad with his girlfriend, and I was so blinded by my feelings for him to even see that.

Well anyway, I just want to thank you for taking the time to write these blogs and help women like myself who have a hard time letting go of Mr. Wrong. Yes it was painful letting him go, but if I would’ve stayed as his “go-to girl” I would’ve been more miserable. It’s been almost a year since I last spoke to him. (November 11th would make it a year). And yes he’s tried to come back, 5 times in an 11 month span. (July 26th was his last attempt). For so long I’ve been wanting him to come back, apologize and make an effort to make things right, but now, I don’t even want it anymore. I deserve someone who’s going to treat me like the queen I am and I definitely wasn’t going to get it with him. So again MOA, thanks so much for your words of wisdom. ; October 24, 2014 at 12:52 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA why men are looking to date much younger, even teenager girls over real women? I've observing this phenomenon on dating sites a lot, its getting creepy. Are men losing their minds???? Thank you so much, you rock!; October 24, 2014 at 6:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror!
Thanks for your blog & helping all us girls to grow in the real world:)

I have a question: how long is an appropriate time for a guy to be texting you? I mean I met this guy & we text on&off but is it normal to go 3/4 days without texts in a mans world? Just wondering as I have been in a very long term relationship that just ended recently so Im `new`to dating world as I have only ever had a longterm relationship. Other ladies here are saying its daily texts for them....Mine can be daily but then hes gone again for a day or 2 or 3. He lives a 2hour flight away & I have only met him twice. Im goin to see him during 2 weeks next month & he knows that I have the flights & all booked so is this maybe the reason for delayed answers to texts??? ( I mean knowing that Im coming to him, however he also knows Im visiting a girlfriend at the same time, who lives there also,so its not just about him).
I AM doing the mirroring thing with the texts (we dont call each other- Im not calling him- if he want to hear from me he can call me!!!). He is really sweet & knows that Im very independent & run my own company. Im just wondering about the texts & how I should handle myself when we meet next month.
Thank you Mirror!
Much respect!; October 25, 2014 at 8:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 25 at 8:48 AM,
"I met this guy & we text on&off but is it normal to go 3/4 days without texts in a mans world?"

The only time you can expect daily communication from a man is when he's asked you to enter into a committed relationship with him and verbalized feelings for you (I love you's). Otherwise, it's casual dating and the definition of "casual" is:

"..relaxed and unconcerned, not regular or permanent, a person who does something irregularly."

So when casually dating, yes it's normal to not communicate everyday or regularly.

"Im goin to see him during 2 weeks next month & he knows that I have the flights & all booked"

In the very early stages of dating dear, I generally suggest that the MAN comes to the WOMAN. Because once you start going to the man - it will be the way from that day forward. In the early stages, in order for a man to PROVE that he's GENUINELY interested, HE needs to make an INVESTMENT in the relationship (emotionally, financially, effort-wise, etc.) Never let a man snap his fingers and "summon" you to him. If you're going to visit a girlfriend and that's your main reason for going, then that's okay...but do NOT give him the impression that this trip is about him in that situation, or he'll start expecting you to do this for him all the time ;-); October 25, 2014 at 12:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 24 6:40 PM,
"why men are looking to date much younger, even teenager girls over real women? I've observing this phenomenon on dating sites a lot, its getting creepy.":

Not all men do this dear. And the ones who do are exhibiting narcissistic tendencies. Shallow things like their looks are important to them, and as a result, that transfers over to also include those that are attached to them as well (arm candy). It's a sure sign of an insecure man trying to "prove" something (i.e. that he can land "arm candy" for himself, as if that's some great feat in this world). It's also a sign of emotional immaturity as well, because anyone with half a brain knows that a 40 year old and an 18 year old are coming from two entirely different generations and, as a result, will ultimately have difficulties truly relating to one another on an emotional level.

In the case of older man, much younger woman...you have to ask yourself, "What's this man trying to prove, and why does he feel the need to "prove" anything anyway - is he insecure and overcompensating for something? Is he looking for someone naive and easy to manipulate and take advantage of...because he feels women his own age wouldn't fall for his crap or find him good enough?"

When I see that scenario playing out in men's lives, I always wonder what they feel is wrong with them, that they're trying to convince others the opposite about. Because everytime I've seen this, the exact opposite happen. The men start out thinking, "Oh yea, this is going to be easy and it's going to impress all of my male friends, therefore, increasing my "masculinity" in their eyes."

Meanwhile, the young girl is running around in social circles with men half their age, which only makes the man feel even more insecure about himself (which he never admits). The young guys around the young girl are more virile (strength, energy, masculinity) and are in their peak mating years. The young girl is enjoying nights out around these younger men within her social circles, she's living a fast paced life, she's got lots of sexual opportunities - and all of this actually damages the older man's confidence and self-esteem further. Additionally, I've often seen these men get taken advantage of financially. Sometimes the young girls like the material things the man can provide, but then go to the young guys in their social circles for the sexual provisions available there.

A neighbor of mine in his early 50's (who creeps me out beyond belief) last summer was reportedly dating a 25 year old. The woman living next to him found him on his back porch late one night, in the dark, smoking and drinking...talking to himself. When she yelled across the fence to him, he told her he was ruminating about the 25 year old. He then said, "I must be a glutton for punishment." Because apparently, this did not work out as planned and he was "taken for a ride" in a sense by the young girl.

This doesn't always happen - but believe me when I tell you - it happens a LOT more than you think. Men just don't "talk" as much as women, so you don't hear them often admitting these scenarios backfire on them.

"Are men losing their minds?"

No...they're losing their youth - which they end up attempting to recapture in the form of involvement with much younger members of the opposite sex ;-); October 25, 2014 at 1:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror!
Thanks very much for your response. I really appreciate it.
I forgot to tell you he works in government so he would be unable to come to me as part of the job he cant just go when he likes. He is taking time off(been arranged) that week for a friend thing and also to see me. However, if after this hook up and if things go welI ,forward, I won't go to him again and put it to him that he would have to come to me when he has next hols.

I do feel like the 'fish' in the bowl & hes stirring the water cause i know that he has seen my text3days ago but has not replied. I have not contacted him since and should I wait say 3/4 days before replying him when he does text??

Is it possible that a woman can date a man and NOT look for a commitment from a man?? Or are ALL women hardwired to want commitment? I don't feel like I want a commitment, I just want to have fun ;)

Also, I don't think I could handle LDR.

Thanks Mirror!; October 26, 2014 at 5:50 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Anonymous, Oct 24 @ 12:52p

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Good things are coming dear :)

(hug); October 26, 2014 at 6:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 26, 5:50 AM,
"should I wait say 3/4 days before replying him when he does text??"

Mirroring his behavior is a way to keep the playing field level dear. So if he takes 4 days to respond, then you do the same. If he takes 7, then you do the same. You get the idea. This signals to him that you're onto him and what he's doing, and that you're not going to let yourself be run over or jump when he snaps his fingers. It signals to him that if he wants a quick response FROM you, then he's got to treat you like an equal and give a quick response TO you. Otherwise, he'll have to wait as long as he made you wait.

"Is it possible that a woman can date a man and NOT look for a commitment from a man?"

Anything's possible dear. However, there is one fact of life that sneaks up on women and that's the fact that they bond through sex, unlike men, who often "feel" their feelings during times of absence (freedom) and not during times of immediate togetherness necessarily, which is why you often hear men asking for "space" (they're trying to pull back to see if they "feel" anything for you, miss you, long for you, etc.).

So when women become intimate with men and do so repeatedly...many times, emotions sneak into the picture eventually, whether they're expecting it or not. And that's because yea, Mother Nature wired us to bond in that manner because women give birth - and many times, sex leads to birth. And Mother Nature wants to see to it that when that birth occurs, the woman has attached herself to a "provider" - a man - to help ensure that the new little human being that was created has increased odds of survival. So the female brain releases endorphines that make that emotional connection.

But here's where it gets a bit wonky. While women are experiencing endorphines during physical intimacy, men are experiencing testosterone - and this is where it gets a bit conflicting, due to "survival of the species" requirements. Endorphines are making women bond emotionally, while testosterone is making men want to mate more...with different women...to procreate and ensure survival of the species :-(

It's one of the dualities of life. And there are stories surrounding scripture that state that this is one of the reasons that Lucifer (the Devil) fell from heaven. There are stories out there that state that he was angry with God for creating a creature (us) that had both animalistic and spiritual qualities (spiritual beings having a human experience). There are stories that state that Lucifer actually considered that cruel (the dualistic nature of it). The fact that human beings have animalistic tendencies, but spiritual knowledge that creates the experience of pain and guilt surrounding those tendencies.

Now don't freak out on me, I'm no evil worshiper here LOL. I only shared that version of the story because I'm simply attempting to convey that this dualistic nature in human beings has been observed for eons. It's existed since the dawn of mankind...and we've KNOWN and recognized that dualistic condition the entire time. We've realized how different we are from other creatures on this earth because of that dualistic nature and the existence of free will the entire time. And many also claim that God provided free will, the ability to freely will our desire to manifest into the reality of our physical three dimensional world, as a counter to that. (i.e. "thoughts become things".)

So in the end, while you have these animalistic forces somewhat working against you...you also have been provided a tool to combat them with - free will - and the ability to make your thoughts become actual things that manifest in our three dimensional existence (and that can affect and change the ultimate outcome/experience).

Psalms 82:6 "I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High."

Cont...; October 26, 2014 at 8:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Meaning, free will is a special gift that grants you the ability to (much like a God) affect the immediate world around you.

Okay, I digress. Not sure how the heck I ended up in a religious discussion here but again, what I'm trying to convey here is that this inner conflict, the dualistic nature that we all recognize, has been recognized since day one and has existed for eons. So ladies....I don't think it'll be going away any day soon unfortunately LOL ;-)

And in the end, yes, I do believe women are hardwired to desire commitment, particularly when mating regularly. But....as Mother Nature would have it, continued procreation of the species will trump that when need be. And yes, human beings have been fighting that dualistic conflict within us for eons. Which is why spiritualists attempt to attain "enlightenment" by forcefully and consciously separating oneself from "ego" which generally represents base, unevolved animalistic tendencies in humans, in order to live in your higher, evolved spiritualistic tendencies instead).

Simple questions with complex answers. Okay it's Sunday morning and "church" here has just ended - peace be with you LOL ;-); October 26, 2014 at 8:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA!
Firstly i'd jus like to say thank you for this article! Its really helped me love myself again.
I dated a guy for around three months an i came on too strong. I think i scared him away; he said he'd call but didn't and so I took your advice and didn't react. I mourned, then picked myself up and got on with my life.
Its been four months since then, and I was almost over him if it weren't for what happened last week. I changed my profile picture on Facebook, decided i liked the old one better an so changed it back. And he liked it!
I know this could be nothing, but i have a feeling he's been snooping on my profile.
so i left it a week an liked something he posted this morning. I was trying to mirror his actions like you said in this article. But I don't know if I've done the right thing or not.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks you!
Leo; October 26, 2014 at 1:23 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror! i have been following your blog and lurking since 2011 after i had a devastating heartbreak and was looking to employ no contact with my ex of four years which worked like a charm but after 4 months NC i realized we both had changed and i didnt want him like that anymore all thanks to you. Thank you!!!!

Fast forward to the present now: Met an Aries guy 25 yo im 23 btw. was introduced to him by a cousin spent afternoon and evening with him ended up going out and slept with him on the same night i know, i know :-(
He introduced me to his sister two days after and on the same day i went through his phone and discovered a girl he was talking to and calling a lot. confronted him he told me they werent official...yet told him i was goimg to leave the equation so he could make up his mind he didnt protest. Decided to go NC on him bit couldnt do it for long enough always caved when he apped me. mind you he never reached out through calling but whatsapp only :(
Now i ended up ditching NC completely and started mirroring him taking 5 hours or more to respond to apps. He apped me at 00:45 hrs and then i responded at 16:00 hours only for him to tell me he is in a relationship witj the girl i confronted him about though he tried to kiss me on Friday when i saw him out. even had the audacity to send me her picture. im gutted

Please tell me mirror is there any hope or is he a lost cause???

Tana; October 26, 2014 at 5:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

I have been reading all the posts so sorry to butt in with my off-topic but I feel I must share my news concerning the dance trainer. A few days ago I asked you Mirror whether to continue the e-mail correspondence with him. We had been writing to each other since mid-August after he responded to my "cycling companion" ad, which I mean seriously by the way. I have another "serious relationship" ad as well. So we had been corresponding for weeks, at times he didn´t write for a while but he always apologized later for not being in the country etc. But he still wasn´t asking me to go out cycling. He was decent so Mirror advised to give him another chance. Well, I did but still nothing. So in the end I frankly wrote to him (because he sounded honest and non-manipulative) that I didn´t know whether he intended to go cycling with me or not and if yes we could arrange a meeting and if not I thanked him for the pleasant correspondence and wished him good luck. To which he responded explaining that he hadn´t asked me because he didn´t want to "accelerate things". (Mirror, any ideas what he meant after weeks of correspondence for a cycling buddy?) Anyway, today we met and it was strange. He came late but apologized that he couldn´t find the place. Then he talked to me as if he had known me for years. I know that some ladies would think "wow, good sign" but I am quite emphatic and people usually confide in me. However, he definitely did like me. He isn´t my type but looks quite good and is a real man - with flaws, obviously - but real and man. After having met so many weirdos online almost a miracle. It was intense and I don´t even remember clearly our route. What I want to share is this: Perhaps for the first time in my life I was confident with a man like him. I even felt more powerful than him and it felt so natural to me... Of course it was partly because of him - he liked me, which made it easy for me - but I must proudly say that it was mainly in me - I felt confident because I was and still am ready to let him go. If he doesn´t contact me again - okay, I feel at peace with that idea. If he does - perfect, I will be happy to accept his invitation. It is a wonderful feeling I have never experienced it in my life (concerning dating and relationships). What is also strange, I am thinking about the cyclist who had brought me here and I have forgiven him for his behaviour and despite this new man´s pleasant company I kind of miss him (he disappeared over 3 months ago). Maybe it´s because this man reminds me of him somehow. Similar in energy and behaviour but stronger in personality and character. And another interesting thing: I feel internal freedom of choice with this new man. It´s not like with the cyclist when I felt I "had to" develop a good relationship with him or something in that sense. Well, I am really curious how the things will unfold with this new man if they do at all. Thank you for reading this confused post.
Have a nice rest of the weekend and enjoy what you have now because it will definitely be better and better if you believe in it. :-)
Hopeful; October 26, 2014 at 5:37 PM
Sophie said...: Hi Mirror,

Morning! And I have to say I love your explanation of the duality above! I get positive energy and self-reflection every time I come to your website :-) An update on what happened last week and over the weekend. Please bear with me with the details as I think the devil very often lies in the details.

A little recap: Leo Man has been going a little crazy asking to meet up every day since I got back in contact with him, with me declining on every occasion and finally setting up a hike date on Saturday. Even after we set up the date he still asked to see me before and complained that it's taking me a very long time for every response.

On Friday, the day before our hike date, he took his best friend and the best friend's cousin out the night before our hike date as they were visiting and got very hung over. Called me half an hour before we were supposed to meet and said he parked his car near his office and could not pick me up. Asked to meet outside his office to save travelling time as it was getting a little late in the day for a hike. He forgot to charge his phone and it died and took us a while to find each other. Blame modern technology when no one specifies which street corner to meet at anymore and there are multiple meeting points around that building.

Drove to the hike and his best friend kept calling him multiple times and guilt tripping him for delaying a day trip that they agreed to take with the cousin to another nearby town. We still managed to squeeze in some conversation about health and fitness, life, career etc. He tried to kiss me when I stopped to take a photo of the view and I just teased him for being so aggressive and lightly brushed him away. I also hinted that I get hit on by other men through work situations (not colleagues, just other work-related contacts) but I am selective about my company :P Also casually reminded him of our concert this coming weekend and he said he was looking forward to it and asked me to wear something hot.; October 27, 2014 at 3:14 AM
Sophie said...: After the hike I asked if he could drop me home as the car was parked 10 min drive away from my place but he said he wanted to spend more time with me driving and he was rushing to meet his friend so we drove back to his place so he could quickly shower and change and headed out again. Pushed him away when he tried to make an advance on me and reminded him the whole point of us being there was only because his best friend was waiting for him. I also asked him point blank why he is acting so aggressive and he said he hasn't seen me for a long time and couldn't help it. Almost forced him into the bathroom to get ready to meet his friends. Dropped him off at the bus depot in a cab (as I don't drive) and he gave the driver enough cash to take me home from there). He apologised again for cutting the hike shorter than planned and promised to take me on a longer hike next time, and looking forward to the concert etc.

I remember your advice to lean back and not be too eager to stay in touch after the date, plus he was out of town for the day so I did not contact him on Sunday. Also wasn't entirely comfortable that he was trying to make an advance for me again as if the 3-week break never happened so had no intention to reach out anyway.

He messaged me Monday lunch time and apologised but have to back out of the concert as he had a last minute work trip ON A WEEEKEND. Not sure if this is actually the real reason as we work in the same industry and we can often choose to travel on a Sunday instead of Saturday. I am disappointed of course but have quickly found another friend to take the spare ticket off my hand and now I will have a fabulous girls night out.

Have not responded to his message yet but this is not the most desirable behaviour. One hike date alone does not bring him totally back into my good graces. How can I convey my displeasure without going emotional and be seen as 'that crazy girl'? I want to set the boundaries and still have to give him benefit of the doubt that this may be a legitimate business trip...

On the other hand, having a date on Thursday with Aquarius Guy and he said it will be a 'surprise' for both of us haha... Got a full week ahead with plans every day with friends and family and other dates so I am not worried. I just want to train myself and Leo Man how to behave properly.

Your advice much appreciated as usual and apologies again for the rather long and detailed recount of events.

Love,
Sophie; October 27, 2014 at 3:14 AM
Sophie said...: One last question, Mirror, when you suggested us to mirror the man's behaviour, does it include the time between your date and him reaching out to you again?; October 27, 2014 at 4:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Leo,
You don't need to "do" anything here dear. He's a disappearing man and now, he'll have to prove himself to you if he wants back in - so let HIM do that ;-); October 27, 2014 at 8:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Tana,
I think you need some space and time here. And I think that when you take it, you're going to end up feeling about this one the same way you felt about the last one....four months later, you're not going to even want him anymore.

He doesn't deserve a second chance dear. He had a chance and he made his choice. When men are rude to you, you don't reward them with more of your time and attention. Consider this one gone dear, and move forward with your life. Once you do that, you'll probably find that you're not even interested in him anymore :-); October 27, 2014 at 8:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"To which he responded explaining that he hadn´t asked me because he didn´t want to "accelerate things". (Mirror, any ideas what he meant after weeks of correspondence for a cycling buddy?)"

Sounds like he's fine with the status quo for now - which is a text buddy/email companion. And he's hesitant to the next stage, which would be spending time together.

"I felt confident because I was and still am ready to let him go. If he doesn´t contact me again - okay, I feel at peace with that idea. If he does - perfect, I will be happy to accept his invitation."

Isn't confidence and calling the shots in your own life so very liberating dear? ;-)

Even with his hesitation at moving things forward, I think you'll be okay here dear. Keep looking at this as you are - socializing and making a new friend. If it goes further, great. If it doesn't, you'll be fine with that too because either way, the fact that you're not emotionally invested is actually helping you approach this as your true self, without any worries of the outcome ;-); October 27, 2014 at 8:59 AM
chk61 said...: Just wanted to respond re: "why men are looking to date much younger women" on online dating sites.

This is one reason I took my profile down. This aspect of the online dating scene really bothers me. If a man on an online dating site will only date younger women, and his age range did not go up to at least include his OWN age, that was a deal breaker for me. For some reason, many men in the over 50 age group feel entitled to list their desired age range as, e.g. "30-45". I am continually amazed by this behavior. When I was 30, I certainly had no interest in a man old enough to be my father. Actually, when I was 30 online dating did not even exist!

I think online dating encourages some (and sometimes, many) men to pursue their "fantasy" woman, who is much younger, and perhaps resembles a Barbie doll. In real life, most of these men would not normally meet or be able to date a much younger woman. Online dating encourages people to be judged solely on their age, which is why so many people over 40 (and 50) lie about their age.

Just the other day I was browsing anonymously and saw someone I know, a man recently divorced from one of my relatives. He is 56, and his desired age range is "35-45". Coincidentally he is quite wealthy so perhaps this is why he feels entitled. Just shook my head when I saw this. Strangely enough, in "real life" his ex-wife met a man 8 years her junior and has been dating him for a year.

It seems increasingly rare that male online daters will even go one or two years older than their own age. Yet female online daters are expected to routinely want to date men 10 or more years older. Perhaps being aware of this reality, many women do list much older desired age ranges for men in their profiles...most single women are acutely aware of men's desire to be with younger women.

I personally find it sickening when a man well over 40 will start his desired age range at age EIGHTEEN.

Thankfully, as Mirror pointed out, all men do not do this but it is definitely a trend. C'est la vie!; October 27, 2014 at 9:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sophie,
"How can I convey my displeasure without going emotional and be seen as 'that crazy girl'?"

I think you've already conveyed that by not responding to his message about it, so no need to do anything else - let your silence do the work for you ;-)

"when you suggested us to mirror the man's behaviour, does it include the time between your date and him reaching out to you again?"

I wouldn't take that into account unless you feel it's necessary. Meaning, unless you feel he's yanking you around purposefully, in which case, you may want to rethink ever joining him again entirely if that's the vibe he's sending.; October 27, 2014 at 5:44 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, I just love reading your articles and advices you give out to us to keep us from going nuts. lol
I need advice on my taurus man please... We met online and we live in different states..We hit it off the very first night. we chatted for hours and hours and he emailed me the very next morning saying he loved our conversation and he hopes I would email him as I told him No to giving my phone number to him on the very first night. We spent 3 weeks talking online.He told me he has never talked to any woman on a daily basis not even when he was in a relationship as he did with me and that he really really liked me for him to be doing this. I felt I was ready to give him my phone number at some point and we started talking on the phone and everything was going great. He took the initiative to wanti ng to visit me to see where reality would takes us both. We did set a date and during our days of chatting and talking on the phone We decided to do a camera conversation. He told me he feels awkward on camera and is very shy... and told him if he didnt want to do it we didnt have to but he wanted to do it anyway. We talked about an hour and I felt he didnt feel IT (the spark as he says it) with me on camera. So we ended our conversation nicely. Next morning I texted him and he didnt respond until few hours later saying he emailed me and i should read it. Once I read his email, I knew he misunderstood my words about relationship as he did few times with other subjects and he told me about the spark but he didnt care much for it until we met face to face. He felt pressured on how to feel with me and he was honest about it. I made it clear to him that what I was talking about was NOT what he understood and i was NOTmaking any decisions about my life INCLUDING him yet until we meet face to face and see where it would take us. He later on texted me saying he was happy we were on the same page and wished me a good day. Then I just felt he was becoming distant and not the same than usual and I just started also being distant to him and not texting him much either. He would keep in touch with a text or two and i would only respond after he would initiate. Before our camera conversation he would text me every 10 to 20 mins all day long and talk to me at night also.But after the convo he just seemed to distant and different. After 5 days of this , I emailed him that I have lost the excitment I had in meeting him and I don't really want to do the meeting anymore because his behavior was disrespectful to me and told him , one hour on camera should have not made him this distant with me until meeting me face to face. He emailed me and said he wasn't expecting that email from me but he understand and respects my feelings about it. He said he didn't think any less of me even after our cam convo. He simply told me he was busy and has explained to me his whereabouts for those days but if I didn't feel excited in meeting him anymore then we shouldn't meet up. He said this time of the year he gets extremely busy ( work, charities and so on) He kept it open with me and said in few months when he has his head above water he would like to reconnect with his fam and friends and those who matter which would include me. I texted him the next day saying thx for understanding. I texted him twice in the following days and both times he texted me back either few hours later or a day later. then I just didn't text him anymore. no phone calls or emails either... It has been over a week that I haven't heard from him. I know he has not been going to his online profile at all... because he took it down and I do check on it to see if he is a liar or a player, but he has no idea I do check it out.. I have been following your advices about mirroring and pulling back and no contact rule.
Should I keep doing this and if he text me or calls me , how should I go about it?
Sorry my message is long but I appreciate your advices
Capricorn woman; October 27, 2014 at 7:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I was hoping to get some hello on a situation I've been in.... I'm trying to make sense of a guy that I was seeing. We were doing really well, things were going really great. We moved along slowly to start. He was confessing feeling for me, talking of a future and I thought we were going somewhere... To move this along... we made the mistake of moving WAY TOO FAST one night and sleeping together.... BOTH of us knew it was too soon.. He told me he felt like he booty called himself... He was good, continued to contact me for a couple weeks... Then started to pull away. I made the mistake of calling him on it and got the "my kids schedule is so busy right now (this is true) and I don't know how to make a relationship work if I can't find time for you. I do think you are an amazing person, I care about you and I do want to be able to talk to you as you are a good "ear" for me... So lets just work on the "Friendship" side for now..." I want to believe he was genuine about everything, but maybe I am very naive!!

Can we turn this around? What do I do? No contact? Limited contact? Mirrored contact?

Please help!!!; October 27, 2014 at 9:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Miss Mirror and ladies :-) I discovered this blog in January and have been back here almost every week since to read the articles and updates. I posted in the “No Contact” section a couple months ago about some interactions I was having at the time with a guy I met in June. I got some wonderful advice from you Mirror :-) I am back writing here again tonight because I feel a bit emotional. I have been thinking about my ex a lot recently, feeling sad about how things ‘ended’ and overall just feeling really down. I apologize in advance for the length of my post. Please allow me to vent a little. I have some questions for you at the end Mirror, if you don’t mind.

Finding this blog was a wake-up call for me. I found it during a time in my life when I really *needed* to find it…and I am thankful. I was with my ex (my first love) for about 7 years. The relationship was not all bad. We had some really wonderfully times, memorable times, times that still bring tears to my eyes… but signs definitely presented themselves throughout the months indicating that I should have ended things so long ago (communication problems, him texting more than calling, barely spent time together, he never found much time to spend with me due to being busy working (he worked while I went to school), he started locking his phone). Thankfully, I found the courage and the strength to start taking the steps to let go soon after I found this site.

Now that the rose colored glasses are off and I have reflected on things with a bit more clarity over the past couple months, I feel sad and a bit regretful that I let so many years go to waste on this guy. I loved him so much (I still kind of do) and...a part of me was afraid to start over with someone new. Even though I was not 100% happy, I did not want to lose him…so I held on hoping that things would improve. Admittedly, I was perhaps a bit naive back then. It was my first relationship and my first love (he told me he loved me first). My parents did not approve of our relationship, which was a big factor as to why we didn’t spend a lot of time together in the early stages – a factor that put a strain on our relationship for a long time…yet, we remained together…but as the years went by and my parents ‘not approving’ didn’t matter so much – still, the frequency of us seeing each other didn’t change. In fact, it got worse.

I will admit that I made A LOT of mistakes in the relationship quite early, which I suppose you can say resulted in me giving up my power (sigh). I pursued, went to meet him in the early stages, sent him emotional texts, initiated communication, oh dear, so many mistakes. “Do, do doing” was something that I know better about now, and I will never give up my power like that in a relationship again. When things were bad, I hoped that “talking” to him would help, but it seemed like every time I brought up my concerns or wanted to hear his opinion on things, he would either ignore me or say that I’m starting an argument that he doesn’t want to get into and proceed to tell me how stressed he is, so I “shouldn’t start”. Mirror he would literally say to me “Just stop” after voicing my feelings or getting a bit emotional with him. Those were his trademark words.; October 27, 2014 at 10:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous (pt. 2)

Toward the end when enough was enough for me, was when I found myself doing the majority of the calling and initiating texts, pushing to skype and see him more and basically trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. To cut a long story short, I found out that he cheated on me sometime last year (and probably even before that). Well… evidence indicated that he certainly did last year. One day in December last year (2013), for the first time, something kept telling me to check his email. Something kept telling me, just check. He has three email addresses that I know of (one of which I set up for him years ago). The confirmation email was sent to his gmail account. He told me the password to the account from then (like 4-5 years ago), but changed it soon after I gained access to make the confirmation. Within the past year or two he sent me a few emails from a yahoo account…so when things started going south, something told me just check to see if the password he used for the gmail account was the same for the yahoo account. It was a password not easily forgotten, so I tried. It worked. I went in his sent msgs and found a picture he took of himself (cheating), downloaded it and looked up the date that it was taken. It was taken September 2013. I also saw that he had sent and received nude pictures via email and whatsapp and also found an interaction that he emailed to himself between himself and someone via whatsapp in September 2013. During the interaction he said that he wanted the person to come and spend the weekend with him at his house. I found out all of this in December 2013.

Mirror, I was crushed, but I kept everything to myself. The picture that was of him cheating (that HE clearly took)….if the date on it was correct, was taken about a week before my birthday last year. Can you believe that on my birthday last year he surprised me and came up to my (parents) house to give me a gift after he got off work? He called me to tell me he was coming to drop it off. He didn’t take me out, he didn’t stay for very long, he just dropped off the gift. You know what happened after that? I chased. Yes Mirror, sadly I did. I had not seen him in a long time and all of a sudden he comes to drop off a gift and leave? I told him I wanted to see him the following day and he did not respond. The next day, I texted him again, basically telling him how much I miss him, pouring my heart out basically. I ended up asking him if we could go to a specific place on that weekend (somewhere that I had always wanted to visit). I cringe when I think about the texts that I sent to him back then because I know better now. He agreed the day after with an “ok yea”.

After finding out about the picture in December, I spent long time pondering and about how I was going to approach him about the cheating (or if I would even confront him at all or just go NC without ever confronting him). I did not want him to know I went into his email account because I felt he would somehow turn the tables on me and accuse me of invading his privacy by accessing his account behind his back. About a week after I found out about the picture, I finally text him and I more or less said “If you cheated on me would you admit it?” I followed up by saying I don’t want to enter another year thinking everything is ok. He didn’t respond after a couple hours.; October 27, 2014 at 11:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous (pt.3)

To cut a long story short, I went to see him in person to confront him and he denied receiving my texts and basically also denied cheating. You would have thought I had had enough right? Well I confronted him again in January, approaching it in a different way and asked him if he has ever been cheated on in a past relationship (something I had never asked him before). He responded and said “No/ Why you ask that? You cheating now?” I responded by telling him that I wanted to know if he knows how it feels and if he forgave the person(s). I also told him that I’m not cheating and that’s not who I am and elaborated on the topic a bit saying that if I am unhappy in a relationship the person deserves the honesty and respect to be told. He was silent after that. I then asked him if he had anything to say (I know I should have just left it at that and gone NC and fall off the face of the earth on him). You know what he said to me? He said what is this about, he’s not cheating on me so what am I saying. He also said while talking back and forth that he “has no time to dwell on negative things, none”. I ended the convo there. I was so fed up.

When I started pulling away later that month (not calling him anymore or chasing him to talk), his initial attempt to find out what was going on was through text. He had bought his first car and he text me to tell me he got it 2 days prior. I sent him a brief response and he followed up with a picture of the car and also sent me a song. I didn’t respond. He made another attempt the day after by texting “Few words from you nowadays/Guess you are ok/ Ok cool”. He also told me that he had tried calling me, but no answer.

One thing that he did that really made me upset was in February. Though I had intended to stick to NC, I had some relapses. He had told me Happy Valentine’s Day and said I love you. I asked him if he had anything planned for that weekend. He said no, nothing planned and said that I should take the day for myself (he doesn’t really celebrate Valentine’s day), this is a special day for me and that I should focus on myself and love me. I responded by telling him that I was going to take the day for me, but Valentine’s day is just one day and I asked him about the weekend for a reason. I proceeded to tell him that it’s frustrating when we haven’t been out in months and it doesn’t seem to faze him. It's frustrating to see and to feel that.

Needless to say he did not respond. I tried calling him and texted him twice, but I did not hear from him for the rest of the night and the following day. At that point, his behaviour said everything I needed to know. I was SO hurt and upset. The following day I sent him a text to tell him that I tried calling him and texting but no response from him and I also said to him that since he said he had no plans for the weekend couldn’t we have seen each other or tried to meet up the Saturday or the Sunday and that it would not be considered celebrating. He responded to me with “Ok, tomorrow”. Then I asked him “May I ask why now? Why agree now about it?” Believe you me, his response to that question Mirror, was the moment that I FELT that I had had enough and I would NEVER ask or hint about spending time together ever again. He said to me “[My name], it’s either yes or no ok”. The attitude of the response, almost like he was doing me a favour and insinuating that whether I said yes or no it doesn’t matter, was what I got from it. I did not respond and I let “tomorrow” come. I did not follow up, I did not text him – and neither did he. Tomorrow came and went.; October 27, 2014 at 11:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous (pt. 4)

What happened thereafter was interesting. He called me twice on February 20th. Then – nothing. Of course I did not answer the calls, nor did I jump to respond to call back. I took my own sweet time. On March 2nd I text him with a “Hi”. Mirror…he responded to me with a hi, and not even a minute later said that he called me the previous week and was at my gate, but no answer”. Basically he had come to my house – unannounced – days after he said we could meet up “tomorrow”. What I got from it was that after realizing that I was not going to chase him down and tackle him to find out why he didn’t follow up with seeing each other, he all of a sudden comes, unannounced? And then to add insult to injury, he said that he had dropped his cousin up the road and came to my gate afterwards…so basically he came because he was ‘in the neighbourhood’ then? He did not come just for me. I did not respond.

I did not say this before, but a ‘breakup’ was not initiated by either one of us. There was no statement made, no talk, nothing. I wanted my actions of not ‘doing’ much of anything anymore to speak for themselves. I wanted to see what HE would DO when *I* stopped “doing”. In April he texted me (twice) to ask me if I’m dating anyone. He even got emotional about it, but no significant ACTION was made on his part. I didn’t respond the first time, but the second time he asked I told him no, I wasn’t dating anyone (I shouldn’t have responded at all, sigh). A handful of brief texts were exchanged since April, I miss you’s and I love you’s were thrown around, but he did not do anything significant.

In June I met 2 new guys who expressed interest in me. They took my mind off of things a bit – which was really nice. Admittedly, I caved and told my ex Happy Birthday in July and he thanked me. I changed my profile pic on whatsapp a few weeks after that and he messaged me to say the pic was ‘beautiful’. I thanked him and he said he loved me afterwards. I told him I loved him too (ugh, relapse). Since then (July) – nothing from the both of us. Over two months went by.

The last I heard from him was the day after my birthday (the last week in September). He sent me a text message to say happy belated birthday and that he was sick and apologized for not calling or texting because he was sick. Well, I did infact see that he had been online on my birthday on whatsapp so it’s not like he wasn’t using his phone at all. Even though I told myself it wasn’t the best idea, I replied to the message a couple hours after thanking him and told him that I hope he felt better soon. He too replied a couple hours after my reply and said that he’s getting there. Since then, no SMS messages or IM’s have been exchanged between us. It has been dead silence.

Apart from those few interactions we have had, he has not made a real effort to keep things going. I know that I will never be in a relationship with him again. He cheated and he lied and I know now that he is not willing to fulfill my needs or do his part as the man. I know that he is not the right man for me…and accepting that is part of the process of my own personal closure…I don’t hate him (at least, I don’t feel that I do) I hope that one day, years from now, we can be civil with each other or even be friends (he has a serious health issue and I would like to know that he is and will continue to be alright).; October 27, 2014 at 11:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous (last one)

Mirror –a part of me wants to tell him that I hoped that he would have fought for me. Ugh is that stupid? Maybe that’s just my ego, but I thought that after so many years, he wouldn’t have just so easily let me go. I slowly slipped away and he didn’t do much about it – and that hurt a lot. If I don’t get a response from him, fine. I just want to tell him. Even if he doesn’t say anything, at least I’ll know that I told him how I feel (in a brief, non-emotional way). Some days I tell myself I don’t need to tell him anything, but just when I think I’m ok and feeling good, I get the feeling of wanting to tell him again. After being with someone since u were 17/18 – your first love – and for it to end without a single word of closure– it’s hard to not say anything, ever.

I’m not sure how to approach the situation and idk how to convey it to him – but that’s the missing part of my closure right now – I was even thinking to send him a song to tell him without actually using words (that was our thing). I was thinking “Gone” by Lianne La Havas. Mirror, what do you think? Please talk me out of this if it’s not a good idea. What should I say to not sound emotional about it? Do you think I should even bother saying anything?

Thank you so much for your time Miss Mirror.; October 27, 2014 at 11:07 PM
Sophie said...: Hi Mirror,

Thank you so much for your prompt response as always. Just wondering... will NC be less and less effective over time as the men catch onto our silence?

'That's a very long response time' and 'Not sure why you always take 12 hours to respond' etc are just some of the messages I have received... on average it takes him 4-6 hours to respond though as he's not supposed to use his phone at work so all is fair?

Sometimes I found that instead of consciously ignoring or delaying response, I just don't feel like talking to the men and then simply forget.

Do you think Leo Man will reach out again?

Sophie; October 27, 2014 at 11:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Cancer Woman,
"Should I keep doing this and if he text me or calls me, how should I go about it?"

Here's what I would suggest dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

You tried, it didn't take off, you can't help that, it's not your fault and there's nothing wrong with you. Sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes people are just not the RIGHT people for us. If it were me, I'd move on dear and probably not look back for this one :-(; October 28, 2014 at 8:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 27, 9:24 PM,
"Can we turn this around?"

Unfortunately dear, you can't make someone love you or want to be in a relationship for you. So regretfully, you can't control it and forcefully turn it around :-(

"What do I do? No contact? Limited contact? Mirrored contact?"

You have your option of any of the above dear. But if it were me, I'd try to move on by implementing this:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

He may miss you and circle back, or he may not. But either way, no contact will help you to emotionally detach from him so that there's less pain and you begin to heal and free yourself to move forward.; October 28, 2014 at 9:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 27, 10:58 PM,
"a part of me wants to tell him that I hoped that he would have fought for me. Ugh is that stupid?"

It's not that it's stupid dear, it's that it will only bring you more pain. You will be opening up an old would again. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again...and expecting different results. Don't look back dear - stay forward focused. People are in your past for a reason...and the reason is because it didn't work out. So leave them where they belong, in the past.

"Even if he doesn’t say anything, at least I’ll know that I told him how I feel"

But here's the thing dear, and this is where a lot of women get kinda' confused because the concept is a tad complicated. But what many women don't realize is that when you do this...when you "do, do, do" and you explain yourself to a man...you're actually letting him off the hook.

Yep, letting him off the hook.

Why? Because you're relieving him of any guilt that may still be headed his way, had you remained silent. It takes time for that to build. It takes time for regret to set in. And when you swoop around prior to that taking place and you explain yourself and then say things like, "But it's okay" or "I'm over it" or "I'm better now" or "let's just be friends" - you are effectively RELIEVING him of any guilt that may still be yet to come for him had you remained silent.

Never turn around and let a man off the hook that's treated you badly - EVER. Let your silence weigh on him like a 200 pound blanket. If you stay away long enough - usually - that is ultimately what happens...if you LET it.

"it’s hard to not say anything, ever"

But what you don't realize is that your silence IS saying something dear.

"I was even thinking to send him a song to tell him without actually using words (that was our thing). I was thinking “Gone” by Lianne La Havas. Mirror, what do you think?"

Don't do that dear. It's emotional in nature. Sending love songs is an emotional action. One of the worst things you can do to another human being dear is ignore them. Think about it. Think about your own words here:

"for it to end without a single word of closure...I slowly slipped away and he didn’t do much about it"

It hurts right? Well guess what? That works BOTH ways dear. If it hurt you, it can hurt HIM too. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking tit for tat here. But I AM trying to help you see the value of silence and doing nothing...how it can actually SPEAK volumes for you...without you saying a single word.

If you contact him dear, all you're effectively doing is letting him off the hook, and also signaling to him that you're still thinking about him. You will be reassuring him that you HAVEN'T forgotten about him. When the exact opposite is what you need to do. You WANT him to feel what it's like when you HAVE gotten over him. And when you're over someone...you don't look back at them. Get what I'm saying?

"What should I say to not sound emotional about it?"

You shouldn't say anything dear - you should let your silence speak for you.; October 28, 2014 at 9:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sophie,
"will NC be less and less effective over time as the men catch onto our silence?"

It all depends on the level of interest the man has dear. It will always be less effective on men who aren't genuinely interested.

"That's a very long response time' and 'Not sure why you always take 12 hours to respond' etc are just some of the messages I have received... on average it takes him 4-6 hours to respond though as he's not supposed to use his phone at work so all is fair?"

All is fair in love and war dear ;-)

This man can't possibly work 24/7. So if he's taking 4-6 hours to respond regularly, then the reason he's "catching onto you" - is because he knows exactly what you're doing....because HE is doing it himself.; October 28, 2014 at 9:47 PM
Sophie said...: Hi Mirror,

Thank you so much as always for your insight! I always had a sneaky feeling that Leo Man does know what was going on and we are in a power struggle / stand off now. As you said, we are only being treated the way we allow other people treat us. And I am not standing for this type of behaviour. I think one thing that he forgot to consider is my interest level can and will actually go down dramatically due to his attitude.

I suspect he waited for 12 days to contact me last time was because he was expecting me to reach out first, and held out as long as he could and then was making snark comments while I mirror his behaviour.

As you rightfully said, silence hurt both parties and I somehow have a hunch that he will be back sooner than last time. I will just let him loose and consider him as part of my own rotation.

A girlfriend of mine who married a 'reformed player' actually said she told her now-husband in the early days of their dating phase that it's fine for him to prioritise other things e.g. business trips/work dinners etc. over her and cancel last minute but that would have set the tone for their budding relationship and he would have to expect the same from her. She is of the opinion that actions speak louder than words but it could take 1-2 or even more rounds of back and forth for the guy to grasp the idea, but by drawing the line in the sand right away she kept him in line. What is your opinion on this?

'Accept people, situations, and events as they occur. Take responsibility for your situation and for all events seen as problems. Relinquish the need to defend your point of view' according to Deepak Chopra. Wise words indeed :-); October 29, 2014 at 3:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi I'm a 28 yr. cancer, don't know his sign but his 29. I've been doing a lot of reading on your blog these past days, and I am so guilty of a lot of the mistakes you write about. I've messed up so bad, acting needy, desperate and pursuing this guy, to the point where he's gone MIA on me.. :( So I would really like your take on this.. And I apologize in advance for my long comment..

About two month ago, I was dating this guy for 6-7 weeks. It was pretty intense, and though we hadn’t put a bf/gf label on our relationship, we had agreed not to see other people. We met at the store where he works part time, he asked me out for coffee, twice, and as I'm not too keen on giving out my number, I got his and texted him a few days later, accepting his offer.
In the beginning of our “relationship” he hadn’t started back up on his studies yet (he still had about a 4 weeks summer vacation left). We were together 2-3 times a week, mostly at my place, since he works nearby, and when we weren’t together we texted a lot..
Though we weren’t together for long, and I therefore can't know if we would work long-term, we really did have some strong, intense weeks, with lots a passion and sexual attraction, but also lots of laughs and talks about all sorts of things.
He several times told me, that he was really into me, and that he had never had this much in common with another girl before, that I turned him on like crazy. He spent the night several times, and on more than one occasion he told me, that he could so get use to waking up next to me every day, and that he was very happy that he had met me.

He told his mother about me, after only 3 weeks of dating - that's gotta count for something right? He even came to take care of me when I got sick, making me soup and cuddling with me on the couch for hours, afterwards while I was half asleep due to my fever.

cont..; October 29, 2014 at 5:49 PM
Anonymous said...: cont..

Things went wrong, after he started back in school, and got busy.. He stated taking longer to reply to my texts and didn’t pick up when I called.. Unfortunately instead of keeping my cool, mirroring him and giving him space, my insecurity and trust issues (from a former relationship) kicked in, and I panicked. I sent multiple texts to get him to answer – up to 3-4 text with a few hours between them (total text gnat - I know :( ), some he would answer, others got no reply (mostly those that actually didn't need a reply). But he always got back to me, with sweet words and little hearts and kissing smileys.
After not hearing from him in over a day, I texted asking if something was wrong. He replied saying that nothing was wrong, he just had a lot on his plate right now (school and work). I wrote back that i- was sorry to hear that, and that I had kind of gotten nervous that I had done something wrong.
After that I didn't hear from him, for almost two days, and I went into full panic cause I realized how I really felt about him - I had fallen for him hard, and I got so scared of losing him - so I unfortunately panicked and went off the rails .. I texted demanding to know where we stood (if he had lost interest in me)!.. he gave a very short reply, that seemed somewhat hurt and distant telling me he had just been visiting he family over the weekend - which he had actually told me that he was going to.
I then tried to set up a meeting, but he didn't reply for a week, until I texted asking him to explain to me what was going on, cause I didn't understand. He replied that he was very sorry that he hadn't gotten back to me, but that he really was just super overwhelmed with work and school, and he thanked me for my texts..
I texted back that I really didn't appreciate being ignored for a week, but that I hoped we could get together and talk soon. No reply..
After yet another week of silence I sent a long heartfelt text, saying that I was sorry if it was going to end this way, cause I had really gotten feelings for him, that I was in fact in love with him. Then I thanked him for the time he gave me, thanked him for amazing sex, and wished him god luck with his school and exams. He didn’t reply..

About a week after that text, i realized that I had made a major mistake, by sending all those texts, making me come off needy and desperate.. So I made another tree mistakes; first I sent him a long text apologizing, saying that I had realized I had messed up, pleading him to accept my apology.. Second I had to go to the store where he works, and of course he was there.. I didn’t approach him, but I ended up wandering around the store, for a bit too long hoping to make contact, so that I could just say “hi” – I stopped myself but i’m pretty sure he did see me, making a complete fool of myself, looking like a crazy stalker, even though I had a legit reason for coming to the store – yikes!!
After that I decided not to contact him again, but unfortunately I ended up texting him by accident about two weeks ago. I had written a text, asking him about the name of a website he had shown me, but decided not to send it, but as I was going to erase it, my finger slipped and hit send instead - oh the horror!! He didn't reply to that either.

It’s been over 5 weeks since he last replied to my texts.. It’s now almost 3 weeks since I sent my apology, and a little more than two weeks since I made a fool of myself at the store..

I'm am currently working on myself, trying to gain some of the weight I've lost and I've been spending a lot of time with my family and friends..
But I just can't seem to let him go, even though it's been two months since I last saw him, and 5 weeks since he last texted me, I still think about him every day, and my heart still skips a beat whenever I receive an unexpected text, cause I secretly hope it's from him, though I don't think I'm ever going to hear from him again :(

- Stephanie from Denmark; October 29, 2014 at 5:50 PM
Lottie said...: Hi Ms Mirror,

I’m glad I read your recent reply to Anonymous: Oct 27th, 10:58pm.
Re: silence. It reassured me.

I had a bit of a wobble yesterday. I bought Scorpio a birthday card for his upcoming birthday on Friday.

I’m not sure why [I don’t have any intention of sending it to him] but I just felt that I wanted too. I have a feeling he is hurting, I don’t know why, but I can just sense it. I can’t relieve him of his guilt. It’s more for his benefit …than mine.

His past at some stage must have to catch up with him prompting him to take a good hard long look in the mirror. I expect he will not like what he sees.

Lottie x; October 29, 2014 at 7:39 PM
Anonymous said...: From: Anonymous Oct 27, 10:58 PM

Thank you so much for your help Mirror. It’s certainly a bitter pill to swallow, but you are right. I don’t want to keep opening up the same old wound. I want to move forward and stay focused on me. Easier said than done though. He never deserved me…certainly not for 7 years anyways. I feel hurt by all of this, but I need to leave the past in the past. Fly free, never looking back. Telling him or speaking of the breakup will not do a thing for me. Perhaps it’s what he eventually expects from me (in the past I would explain and explain)…and I don’t want to do it anymore.

I think one of the things I need to do is forgive myself for staying with this man who overtime, chipped away small parts of my self-worth. He chipped away little pieces overtime…and I let him. I forgot my self-worth and lost myself in the process. But I’m glad that I know better now. The blinders are off and I see nothing but who he is...and who he will never be.

I’m on the road to finding myself and I will never give so many years of my life to a man who does not completely prove himself to me. I know better now, so I’m not expecting anything less.

Thanks again,
Writing from Jamaica btw :-); October 30, 2014 at 4:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Writing from Jamaica,
I know it's difficult dear - but it IS time to love YOURSELF ;-)

All will be well, you'll see, give it time. And in the meantime, spoil yourself. Get a new look, new hair color or style, new wardrobe, take up an old hobby or a brand new one, travel, exercise...do whatever it is that makes YOU happy and confident dear.; October 30, 2014 at 6:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Stephanie from Denmark,
Well dear, if you stay silent long enough, he may or may not return. But either way, lesson learned, ya' know? Sometimes people don't enter our lives to stay - they enter our lives to TEACH. And maybe that's what he was for you dear...a teacher, of a valuable lesson. So that when you DO meet the RIGHT guy for YOU - this won't happen again.

And this is more or less the scenario that many women get caught up in when attempting to "do, do, do" too much, in order to control the situation. When you "do" too much...instead of helping, many times unfortunately, it can actually do the exact opposite. Hence the old saying, "Less is more."

Give it some time, do NOT make not even ONE more attempt at communication here and see what happens. In the meantime, start dating again, if for no other reason than to expand your social circle, get out of the house, enjoy new experiences and start to live again. Be good to yourself, don't beat yourself up, and maintain forward motion in life as best you can. Don't dwell in the past - that's not where your future is. And be thankful for the valuable lesson he's taught you. That may sound strange now, but when the RIGHT man for YOU comes along....you'll be thankful for having learned this lesson previous to that :-); October 30, 2014 at 6:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

Mirror, thank you for your reply and encouragement. So far everything has been fine with the dance trainer. We went cycling (our first meet-up and it was not about cycling at all, he seriously tried to get to know me and introduce himself, his values etc.) and at the end he expressed his wish to meet again in two weeks´time. I said yes. Three days later I received an e-mail from him in which he asked whether I was fine after the trip and that it was pleasant to meet and converse with me as we seem to have similar views on life. I waited three days and wrote back that I also think we had a nice time. So far so good... BUT... My doubts are back, I can´t help it. The worst are doubts that he will be just another player who will make me feel helpless again, doubts that I will not be good enough in the longer run, that I am not relationship-wise enough for him (he is divorced, two children and a granddchild, I am single, no children). I feel like a nervous, helpless wreck. I expected these feelings to return but not so strongly. Thank you for the opportunity to vent them here, actually as I am writing I am starting to feel some relief.

I am reading everybody´s posts and Mirror´s answers. How are you Gemini and chk61 (did you give the nice guy a chance?).

Wishes to you all,
Hopeful; November 2, 2014 at 1:23 PM
chk61 said...: @Hopeful:

I totally understand your feelings, doubts and fears but let's not jump ahead of ourselves! It sounds like you are already giving him too much power and assuming the worst. I think this is a great opportunity to reframe your thoughts and reassess just where you stand in all of this. Number one, even if you don't believe it, pretend and act as if you are the most together, attractive, confident, humble and awesome women this guy could ever want to meet. You are just as worthy as he is, even if you are single and childless (and believe me, I KNOW that women can be judged harshly for never marrying or having children as I am one of them!). Some of my married friends with kids have told me that they envy my singlehood and freedom, while I envy their family and sense of belonging to something.

It's great that you are feeling some relief as you are writing because it reaffirms that these nervous feelings are a result of your THOUGHTs. And you can change your thoughts, because no one else can think our thoughts for us! Believe me, I am a veteran of stinkin' thinkin' and it has gotten me NOWHERE...especially with men I am very attracted to.

So the first thing to do is combat those automatic negative thoughts with more realistic thoughts. For example:

1. "This guy is going to be a player just like all the rest and will hurt me and use me" (Automatic thought)

Here is a more realistic thought to replace that thought with:

"I don't know this guy very well. He may be a player but he might be a thoughtful, honorable, decent guy. I will get to know him a bit more before I start assuming anything about him but I will be cautious and 'not put the cart before the horse'."

2. "I am a nervous, helpless wreck." (automatic thought)

Realistic response: No, I am not. I am just feeling this way temporarily because I TOLD myself I am a nervous, helpless wreck. I am basing my nervousness on my past experiences. In truth, I am a very solid, intelligent and capable woman who can do pretty much anything. Certainly, I am NOT helpless! This guy is just a struggling human being like the rest of us, trying to make his way, so why I am I letting myself feel "nervous and helpless?" I have no idea how things are going to go with him, and I know no MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I will be fine. I survived the last "player" and I realize he really did not have that much "power" over me after all!

Get the idea? I have to do this ALL THE TIME because I am the queen of automatic negative thoughts. Many, MANY people have problem. It is like the "monkey mind" in Buddhism...where your mind takes over. We can change our thoughts and our thinking patterns, like with cognitive therapy.

Just one way of looking at this situation. Good luck and remember: he's just a guy, just a human being, no better or worse than you, Hopeful. You are awesome and don't lose sight of that!

As for the nice guy I had met, I had a super busy couple of weeks at the end of October so I asked him if we could get back in touch in November. He agreed, and I haven't heard from him yet. I don't know if he is expecting me to contact him since I asked to reschedule the date in November. I will admit, I really haven't thought about him much.... :-(; November 3, 2014 at 11:07 AM
Gem50 said...: Hi Hopeful,
Great advice from Chk :).

Thanks for asking about me. I am fine. I am here reading everyday. This site, the comments and feedback, serve me as I imagine AA serves an alcoholic. I need to be reminded everyday of what brought me here in the first place: my choices. And here I continue to rewrite my script that plays in my head from a lifetime of negative thoughts.

Scorpio is still around, I am still learning from him as well but I am not waiting for him. I am living my life as I choose for me. :)

Hopeful, sweety, remember your Power, your essence. And remember changes in behavior don't happen overnight, it takes practice. I still cringe when I think of the comment I made to 46 about "packing," when he's a freaken' emergency room tech. But you know what? He's just a guy. His opinion isn't any more worthwhile than mine - and yes, I do believe in the right to bear arms, and if I want to carry when I'm out walking, that's my choice. (that is me rewriting an old script). :)

Trust yourself Hopeful. You've got this.

Hugs!; November 3, 2014 at 7:30 PM
chk61 said...: @Hopeful, MOA, ladies....

Agree with Gem50. He's just a guy. We are women, and we must revel in and trust our inherent power.

Despite the glaring faults of my DM, there were definitely moments when he was tapping into my feminine essence. I believe this is one reason I held on so long...and why I still feel passing temptation to contact him but don't worry, I WILL NOT!!! It had been years since a man I found attractive (and this is a key point) was gazing at me with that "look"...and it wasn't a player thing, I can tell the difference. (He did the "player" look earlier on....) Sigh. I had earlier experienced brief moments of him falling under my "spell", and it was authentic...I've been around long enough to know this. So when I experienced some of that adoring gaze earlier this year I ran with it, by continuing to initiate (big mistake, again). I should have leaned back, reveled in my power and let him lead. When he emailed me in early September, I felt my heart leap but I knew what I was dealing with. I waited a few days to reply, mostly "mirrored", but I let the email conversation lapse and when he did not continue to email, I waited a few days and replied to him again twice. He replied both times but then left me "hanging" and disappeared again. I know he is leaving the country for two weeks this month but if he really wanted to stay in touch, he would have.

I still think about him literally every day....but this too shall pass. In truth, I was attached to a fantasy...especially after I caught a glimpse of the power I had over him, when he was gazing at me, with a soft, adoring look in his eye. *sigh* For whatever reason, he decided to let me go and at this point, I am DONE. I WILL NOT CONTACT THAT MAN. If he contacts me (which I don't anticipate), I am hopeful I will have the strength to not reply.

Time will take care of this and I need to just let time pass, and let him stay disappeared. If he wants to see me, he knows where to find me. In the meantime, I am enjoying the passage of time as much as possible, and at 53, I agree with James Taylor that it is the "secret of life". ;-)

BACK TO REALITY. I haven't contacted the new "nice" guy yet but I'm thinking I'll drop him an email today. He may have felt I was not interested when I asked to postpone our second meeting - and truthfully I did not find him that memorable - but he was kind, solicitous, and a work colleague set us up so I feel I should give him another chance. There are really no other "irons in the fire" at this point, I took my online dating profile down a few months ago and I haven't found the desire or energy to put it back up. I am going to a party this weekend in a different place, with a whole different crowd and am looking forward to that.

Onwards and upwards!; November 5, 2014 at 9:53 AM
Anonymous said...: @chk61 and Gemini

Thank you both for the words of encouragement and excellent advice. (Mirror, you have some competition here:-) ). What shocks me most is that I must have gone crazy because I totally believed this guy, he was so convincing. So decent, sensitive and understanding and we seemed to have so much in common... And so charming (red flag? But I am charming too). And my gut - what happened to my gut? - I really don´t know. I have bad news though. I have done a little stalking (I know...) and found out that since I wrote to him last Friday he has been on the site a few times and did NOT write to me. So slowly but surely I am coming back to my senses and have decided to forget him as soon as possible. Never ever would I contact him first, I have learnt at least this much.

Well, at least I know where I stand although I absolutely have no idea if he is decent and didn´t like me or whether he is a player who understood that he wouldn´ t go anywhere with me as such.

Thank you again, I am very glad to have such supportive and nice friends here. It always helps me when I communicate with you. All the best to you and everybody and if anything new happens I will keep you informed.
Hopeful :-); November 5, 2014 at 12:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

You would not believe what happened! So I went to visit my family during halloween and in order to get there I had to take a ferry since it's on the other island. As I was leaving that same day I walked in at the ferry terminal and sat down waiting to departure and as I looked up who do I see literally couple seats infront of me...my DM man!! Omg I was in shock and nervous at the same damn time because it's been over a year since we saw each other and during those times he has been texting me to hang out so much but I was out of the country for so long we didn't get to see each other again since. The last time he didn't give me notice and I told him the dates I was available and he just went MIA on me and never responded to my last text which was like a few weeks ago. Anyways, he was looking at me, got up and came to say hi and gave me a hug and we were both actually by ourselves which means we are going to catch up on this ferry for another 2 hours or so... I had butterflies and nerves and everything you could imagine. We talked a lot, laughed a lot, he asked me a lot of questions about family, work etc... and we did have eye contact at times then we look away as our nerves kick in. A couple of times our conversations went quite for like a min and then we start talking again. I remember when we talked about work and it was a bit odd that he asked if I work with girls or guys and I told him I work with a few men. I wasn't sure how to respond to that but I did and I still wonder why he would ask that question? Do you know Mirror why he would ask such thing?

Towards the end when we were almost back to land, he asked how I got there and I told him I drove. He mentioned he would be cabbing but asked me if it would be ok to catch a ride with me. So I did not want to be rude so of course I said no problem. During our drive there we laughed and chatted some more and he asked when I would be back again from my trip. I said probably in a week and he mentioned we should hang out again. I didn't say anything and just nodded. As I dropped him off he gave me a hug and said thanks for the ride and it was nice to see you. He then says "let me know when you're available to hang out" and I said to him well you have my number why don't you just text me instead. So I threw the ball back to his court for him to decide. As I drove off I secretly was expecting a thank you text blablaba like he had done on our date in the past but he did not this time :(

This whole thing was just so damn awkward for me and I believe he too was awkward cus I saw him fidgeting his pants and fixing his hair a lot. I really hope to see him or even hear from him again, I mean I thought our convos went well but it's been almost a week and no heard from him so I don't really know what to think...I posted a halloween pic recently and he did not like my pic at all. He's always liked my other pics in the past so I'm thinking maybe he is not feeling it anymore do you think Mirror?

In the past I have only seen him twice or even three times and this would be our fourth now. I can't stop thinking about our few hours we had together and wished maybe we didn't bump into each other because I was not ready to see him yet. I was dressed down and had a hat on and the last thing I wanted him to see me was not being in my element.

I'm just hoping that I would hear from him again and as much as I want to text him I know I shouldn't. What would you decipher from all this Mirror? I really do like the guy and I thought everything turned out to be ok in the end but who knows what the heck he is thinking. If I don't ever hear from him again then I know it wasn't meant to be which would be really sad and crushing because it's not like this was our first time seeing each other. Am I overthinking this or do you think I would see him again?

I appreciate your help so much.

rosegirl @>-----; November 5, 2014 at 1:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful and the Ladies,
"Thank you both for the words of encouragement and excellent advice. (Mirror, you have some competition here :-)"

No competition exists - go forth, fan out across the globe and spread thy word - the "Mirror Movement" LOL ;-)

I'm proud and I would advise all the ladies here to do the same for others - extent your support to your fellow sisters, don't sugarcoat your advice when asked for it (otherwise, you're not really helping, you're simply telling others what they want to hear), and always provide a shoulder to cry on.

Lift each other up ladies - and karma may just bring that good chi right back to your doorstep, three-fold ;-); November 5, 2014 at 4:23 PM
Anonymous said...: Don't give up your power ladies, soon enough your DM is going to feel like this:;)
http://youtu.be/xgapCCFFa3A; November 5, 2014 at 8:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Moa, why do men feel so bad when left alone? Does no contact work in any circumstances, for instance,when a woman is caring then all of sudden she completely disappear? Why silence is so devastating to the men's ego?; November 6, 2014 at 1:23 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror and Ladies,

so today the dance trainer wrote me again. (As a response to my e-mail from last Friday). I am feeling so relieved. He explained that he had been abroad because of a dancing competition and asked about my week. He ended the e-mail with the following words: "It seems that the weather is going to be nice at the weekend so there´s a chance for a nice bike ride combined with a cup of coffee or something sweet to eat". My question to you is - do I understand this as an invitation? Can I reply suggesting time and place straightaway? Won´t it look desperate? The problem is he wrote today so I can write only tomorrow, Saturday would be too late. We haven´t exchanged phone numbers (I am not sure why), so if I want to go cycling I have to write to him.

For me this is an unexpected emotional rollercoaster and despite the fact that he seems to be decent. He had promised to write and finally he did. And yet, I am so nervous, actually much more than with men who were jerks.

Thank you for your suggestions and sorry to bother you but I really don´t want to spoil anything with this guy and I will feel safer having your recommendation. :-)
Hopeful; November 6, 2014 at 2:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 6, 1:23 PM,
"why do men feel so bad when left alone?"

It's not just men - it makes EVERYONE feel bad to be ignored.

"Does no contact work in any circumstances"

No, it does not. Nothing in life is a guarantee. It all depends on the level of the man's interest he has for the woman. Meaning, it will affect men who care about the woman, but it won't have much of an affect on those who don't.

The only time NC is a guarantee is when you use it for YOURSELF (to emotionally detach from the man).

"Why silence is so devastating to the men's ego?"

It may affect the male ego a bit more, but silence can be devastating to both men and women alike. We are social creatures by nature. And psychologically, when we're not "accepted" - it hurts us - all of us.; November 6, 2014 at 4:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"My question to you is - do I understand this as an invitation?"

I'm kinda' stumped by this one LOL. On the one hand, it's easy to make assumptions and fill in the gaps. But on the other hand, this guy could also just be talking about what HE intends to do HIMSELF this weekend (and maybe waiting for YOU to invite YOURSELF along).

Ladies, anything I'm missing here LOL??; November 6, 2014 at 4:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @rosegirl @>-----,
"Do you know Mirror why he would ask such thing?"

He was probably curious and instead of just asking, he kinda' went about getting the information by beating the bushes there LOL.

"He's always liked my other pics in the past so I'm thinking maybe he is not feeling it anymore do you think Mirror?"

I wouldn't base anything on social media behavior.

"What would you decipher from all this Mirror?"

I don't want to burst your bubble dear, but you can't read too much into this. It was a pleasant run-in with someone from your past. That's really about all you take from it, ya' know?

"do you think I would see him again?"

There's no real way to answer that dear, short of simply guessing. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. And if he's genuinely interested, he'll take action ;-); November 6, 2014 at 4:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Mirror! I appreciate your feedback so much and am so happy to be able to speak to someone about my feelings as it's hard sometimes to confide in your friends as they will tell you something totally different which could lead to embarassment.

I'm guessing you would of course agree that I don't text him again until he does right? He did ask me to let him know when I want to hang out...

rosegirl @>-----; November 6, 2014 at 5:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Hopeful,

It's a invitation of sorts I think...Sounds to me that he's maybe a bit insecure but not necessarily in a bad way but a bit shy maybe?? and instead of asking you out directly he's going round the houses and wants you to now to agree.

I'd just reply and say something like yeah sounds good... when are you thinking I'm free on such and such afternoon. You know when to reply given the time-scale you've got left but just don't be too keen if he's kept you waiting :)

Have a lovely time....let us all know!!; November 6, 2014 at 5:40 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Hopeful and Ms. Mirror,
My suggestion: give it right back to him. You could simply respond with ,'yep. :)" or, "gosh, I need to check the weather."

I think Ms. Mirror is right. He's just throwing something out there. Don't take the bait Hopeful. If he wants to do something with you, then make him be clear.

You wouldn't do that to him. Imagine you went away for a week, came back and threw him an email to check in and ended it with, "The weather is going to be nice tomorrow, it'll be a good day to go riding and stop at a bakery I've been eyeing."

It's a statement, not an invitation.

So, play the game girl. Give his stuff right back to him. Practice. Practice. Practice. You watch, you send something like I suggest and he'll be getting back to you quicker than you expect.

let us know! :); November 6, 2014 at 8:02 PM
Adriana said...: @Hopeful

I would suggest maybe replying back and writing "Should I take that as invitation?" and then add a wink emoticon ;)

That way you throw the ball back in his court and you make him man up and ask you. If he says no or makes an excuse you at least have your answer or you can say you were just kidding around. You have a wedding to go to...lol.

Those are just my thoughts. :); November 6, 2014 at 11:19 PM
chk61 said...: @Hopeful:

He ended the e-mail with the following words: "It seems that the weather is going to be nice at the weekend so there´s a chance for a nice bike ride combined with a cup of coffee or something sweet to eat". My question to you is - do I understand this as an invitation?

Oh boy, that is an ambiguous invitation! My initial reaction is that he (for whatever reason) doesn't want to come right out and ask you to join him and wants you to say something like: "Wow, that sounds like fun, are you looking for company?"

Maybe the dancer is also feeling a bit insecure! I think it would be OK to say something like: "That sounds nice. I was thinking of a bike ride myself this weekend so let me know if you need a cycling partner!" You are putting yourself out there a bit but what the heck? Then see how he responds, and maybe he'll suggest a specific time and location. I think he is looking for some encouragement perhaps...of course, we can only guess since only he knows what goes on inside HIS head. ;-)

I think if you respond in a positive way and suggest you join him, it's OK. He's human and maybe he's not sure how YOU feel about HIM. You're a powerful person, and....you want to ride your bike on a nice weekend!! Coffee and something sweet to eat, yeah!! I think at this point with this guy you can view this budding whatever-it-is as light, fun and free of expectations. Just think of him as a friend and not a potential boyfriend. Maybe this will also help you decrease your nervous feelings.

But if you decide to just respond and see if HE further extends a specific invitation, I think that's fine too. You could respond and say: "Oh, a bike ride followed by coffee and a sweet eat sounds great!" Leave it up for HIM to then pursue you and nail down an actual "date" but maybe not think of it as a "date". Because it is still pretty casual at this stage....right?

Deep breaths, he's just a guy... ;-) Good luck with whatever you decide to do.; November 7, 2014 at 9:50 AM
chk61 said...: Ok, deep breaths here.

Just got an email from my DM from the other side of the world. I knew about his trip but we have had no communication since he left me hanging in an email convo in early September. I also took a trip overseas in September which he knew about. The email was very brief, asked about my trip and he said he was halfway through his. He also invited me to a gathering at his home at the end of the month. I think this is a big annual party he throws, he invites his ex-wife, his parents and all his friends.

I am really not sure what to think. Naturally, I have not responded yet to either his email or the invitation. I will admit, I am a bit taken aback by the party invitation. ;-); November 7, 2014 at 10:10 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror and all the Ladies,

many, many thanks for your advice.:-) However, I must frankly say that this time you haven´t helped me at all LOL and I am not wiser as to what to respond. Even Mirror seems to be hopeless... :-) If he knew that he had managed to confuse the whole community of the ladies here, he would definitely be proud of himself. The problem is that as I already mentioned I have no idea whether he is a player or a decent man. My gut feelings range from absolutely positive to slightly negative. He talks and behaves decently but has very strong masculine energy which players usually have. On the other hand, I am going cycling whether he´ll join me or not. So most probably I will write a combination of all your advice along the lines that coffee or something sweet sounds good and if the weather is fine I will be passing the spot where we first met at the same time as then. (Not waiting for him, just passing, he came late anyway). I agree with those of you who say that he might be a little shy and insecure but on the other hand those who say that he transfers the responsibility on my shoulders and let me wait a week are also right. In any case I will keep you informed.:-)

Have a nice weekend and don´t forget to smile:-)
Hopeful; November 7, 2014 at 1:28 PM
chk61 said...: @Hopeful:

Sounds like a plan. So you're not planning things around him, you're doing your own thing, you'll be biking anyway - with him or without him - and hey, whatever happens, happens.

If he does have strong masculine energy, perhaps my advice to suggest joining him wasn't that great after all. Perhaps it is wiser to be cordial, reply and "mirror" his sentiment that his plan of biking and coffee sounds pleasant, and then see how HE responds to that. Good luck with this!

Thanks for the reminder, and have a good weekend!; November 7, 2014 at 5:40 PM
HappyGirl said...: Dear Moa,

I hope you can help me not screw up this if I haven't already. Here is what happened.

A week ago I was introduced to a nice guy who works in politics because she thought we would be a very good match. My friend set up the meeting for us with his office. My friend and I went and did the meeting – it went well but as usual I got shy and thought nothing of it. When we were walking out he said by and said we will talk (My friend hear it I didn’t) probably because I was trying to leave the office. Anyways, his hand was on my lower back caressing it which was interesting but I thought nothing of it. Right after we left his office he messaged me on Facebook saying I remember you and I remember we talked on her. About 2 years ago I had commented on his page and forgot about it. I actually thought it was a fans page. I was careful to not respond too eagerly but I responded with short nice answers like great memory etc. He said it was a pleasure to meet me and I said same and hopefully we didn’t drive him crazy in the meeting. He said no it was fun and that was it. Then I invited him to a charity event I am working on and he said can’t cause it is his birthday and he is traveling. We talked a little bit more, he asked what my plans for the day were and if I would like to have coffee since he had day off and asked for my number. I told him busy that day but will see he said keep me posted. Two days later, I messaged him saying here is the chat program we can use for calls (Politicians don’t use normal lines) and that I was busy that day and coffee with him would have been more fun. He said great and that he would check if he had a break this weekend and would let me know. He called me around 1:30am and I didn’t take the call I said, would wake up others at home and he understood. He doesn’t like to chat message prefers to talk – doesn’t like to type. I asked him a question and that was it. Next day no word from him but in evening he messaged me saying he fell asleep last night and apologized. I said no problem and that I was at a dinner and when done I would let him know so we can talk since he doesn’t like to type. No response. Two days later I messaged him saying hope his day is going well and that when he is free in the evening let’s talk. This was yesterday. No word from him. I know it is too soon to tell but did I do something wrong here? He is the one who messaged me 5 minutes after leaving his office not me so I am a little confused.; November 8, 2014 at 4:11 AM
HappyGirl said...: @chk61

Loved your comment above to Hopeful about being positive! I tend to also think negative thoughts way too quickly it is ridiculous. I honestly think I get some it from my mother. She doesn't want me to get hurt but damn do her comments hurt when she says "He won't call you" "He has a girlfriend already somewhere in the world" "He doesn't have time for a relationship" "He was just seeing if he can get your attention" "Wow him he asked you out" she loves me to pieces and always says I deserve the best guy in the world yet she says things like this which make me want to not talk to her. I told her it is like saying it will rain before it actually does. She has a tendency to always say her negative thoughts before they actually happen.; November 8, 2014 at 4:24 AM
Anonymous said...: @chk61

Concerning the type of man he is (very masculine) your worry may be justified. However, he didn´t give me any other option, did he? And I forgot to tell you that his previous "invitation" was similarly ambiguous, which was the reason why we had been corresponding so long before we actually met. Who knows why he behaves like that (player??). Well, I wrote to him what I had intended and the latest news is that he had read my e-mail (I stalked again:-(( ) and did not reply. Which means that I cannot be more confused. This man is really testing my determination to remain positive and cool. In any case, I am going biking if the weather is fine and if he comes okay and if he doesn´t I will do my usual route and go for a coffee and something sweet alone. So everything is perfectly fine BUT my nerves (ugh!).
Thank you for your support,
Hopeful; November 8, 2014 at 10:50 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear MoA!

I have a quick question. I didnt know where I was standing with a guy I have been seeing for a few months and just sent him this message yesterday you recommended once, something like Im looking for a relationship now and I want someone who wants the same and if you dont, then I dont want to see you again, but should this change, you can contact me etc...

And he responded that he is not looking for a serious relationship at the moment and finished his message by saying "maybe this could be a discussion down the road we could talk about but for me right now I know it is not the right time". Shall I respond anything to that or just leave it? I kinda feel like I want to wish him all the best but maybe Im just trying to find an excuse to contact him....I like the guy and want to go NC now completely, though we are still friends on fb....do you think he just said we could talk about it it the future out of politeness or really meant it? Would you respond anything to this message? We were in daily contact previously but he started pulling away and that is when I asked him where we are standing.

Thanks for your insight!
A devoted fan and follower of your wisdom ;)
xxx; November 8, 2014 at 2:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and everybody,

well, my promised update concerning the dance trainer. As you know, after I sent my e-mail to him he didn´t respond. Needless to say, my head started to spin when I understood he would not write back but somehow I calmed down and this morning I prepared for a biking ride. When I came to "our" spot he had already arrived and looked at me innocently. I looked at him and said: "You are here?" And he said: "Why shouldn´t I be? We made an appointment." I said: "I wrote I would be here but you didn´t reply." He answered: "I was out of the city yesterday and didn´t have time". I said: "Of course...", at which point I couldn´t help giggling and he laughed. It was really funny, the tone of his voice and the expression of his face... And then we went cycling, the day was unexpectedly beautiful and sunny, we went for a coffee and he kept talking about everything as if we were old friends. I have no idea whether he is so frank with everybody or just somebody. I must admit that he is a very good companion, he adjusts to my biking pace all the time and is decent overall. At the end of our 4-hour(!) date (I can´t believe that I effortlessly spent 4 hours with a virtual stranger) he told me he would contact me and would like to invite me for a coffee and a sweet in the city. I said yes. The intensity of our first meeting wasn´t there this time, it was pleasant and friendly. He is dynamic, masculine, energetic and I guess his attention span (concerning women) will be relatively short LOL. Hopefully he isn´t a player but I can´t be sure. I suspect he is an Aries (your favourite, Mirror:-) ), Leo perhaps, I didn´t ask. And although I am a Sag I have no idea if I would be able to keep up with him in the longer run. In any case, I must say that the date was easy, easier than any other in my whole lifetime as far as I remember. Oh, and he almost fell off the bike at one point when he turned his head when a pretty cyclist was passing by LOL. But somehow I couldn´t take it too seriously.

So that´s my news. Thank you again for your kind support, I very much needed it (and will definitely need it in the future too). I wish you all a nice rest of the weekend :-),
Hopeful; November 9, 2014 at 5:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous soooo glad he showed up! Sometimes technology messes up our relationships. I messed up with a really cool guy last week. He wants to talk over the phone and here I am messaging him. He called late at night I couldn't talk but I don't think that is the issue - why he disappeared since Thursday night. I am so mad at myself that I didn't take his call that late at night. Hopefully I can back peddle and fix it. Last message to him was Hope his day was going well and that meeting took long. If he is free in the evening let's talk. Only thing which keeps me not mad is he was the one who pursued me :) so let's see what happens next.; November 10, 2014 at 5:06 AM
chk61 said...: @Hopeful:

Well, this is interesting. It seems the dance trainer assumed that you had a planned meeting and did not feel the need to reply to actually confirm. Yet, there he was at the designated spot! I'm glad you did not get annoyed or take it personally and that you had a pleasant, friendly outing.

It sounds to me like this is still in the casual, "getting to know you" stage, and best to keep your expectations in check about this guy. Right now, it is what it is and we women tend to "project" about men, when they are much better about actually living in the moment. We are wondering if we have a future with him, and he's wondering if he needs to put air in the tires on his bike. ;-)

The fact that you laughed when he told you he did not have time to reply, and you still had a good time despite that is, in my opinion, the best way to handle such a situation. Bravo! Despite what HE did or did NOT do, you enjoyed yourself.

Let's see if he contacts you, improves his communication and takes control over the plans next time. In the meantime, it sounds like you are taking the right attitude about the dance trainer!

BTW, my D.M. emailed me late last week from his trip across the world AND invited me to a party at his house at the end of this month. I have not replied...; November 10, 2014 at 8:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HappyGirl,
You didn't do anything wrong dear, but I would cease pursuing him. When you initiate contact/communication and you ask men on dates, that's considered pursuit. It's also an example of the female stepping into the masculine role (leader), which men tend to pull away from as they are attracted to feminine energy (submissive).

The best you can do dear, is see if he's genuinely interested by letting HIM pursue YOU. That means you can't contact him anymore, or ask him on anymore dates, and instead - you have to do NOTHING, and wait to see if HE contacts YOU. If he doesn't, then he's not genuinely interested. If he does, then you let HIM take the lead, and all you have to do then is make the decision as to whether or not you want to follow him :-); November 10, 2014 at 8:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 8, 2:41 PM,
"Shall I respond anything to that or just leave it?"

You don't have to respond, but if you do, keep it positive and wish him well.

"do you think he just said we could talk about it it the future out of politeness or really meant it?"

I wouldn't bank too much on that dear. "In the future" could be 5 years from now, ya' know? So either way, it doesn't matter what he meant - because you need to keep moving forward with your life.

Don't sit around and wait on a man to make a decision about you. Keep moving forward because you may or may not hear from him again. And if he does ever circle back around, IF you're still available at that time, you can speak to him. And if he doesn't circle back around, you've wasted no time because you didn't skip a beat :-); November 10, 2014 at 9:05 AM
HappyGirl said...: MOA he is the one who actually pursued me I didn't which is why I am confused.

Let me explain what happened exactly:

1. We met last week during a meeting
2. Five minutes after I left meeting he contacted me saying nice to meet you. I said nice to meet you too
3. I replied nicely but waited between messages. Next day I invited him to charity dinner I was organizing but he said he was leaving town for his birthday. We chatted a little more, fun conversation.
4. He asked me out for coffee but I had plans for that day . He asked me for my number but to install Viber so we could talk over the phone.
5. I waited a day or two to say I installed it and too bad didn't see him Saturday since I had plans but it would have been more fun to have coffee :)
6. He said great! He said he would try to set something up this weekend.
7. I said "cool" this was at 1:30am
8. He said You are still up? I said yeah talking to friend but I was free to chat as we were finishing up.
9. After adding me he called me but it was 1:30am. I said couldn't talk would wake family up. He was nice about it but explained he doesn't like to type (message).
10. Next day he apologized at night for falling asleep on me. I didn't notice so I was cool with it. I said in a meeting when done would let him know but it ended very late
12. Next day I said in afternoon Hope his day was going well and that if he was free in the evening we could talk.
13. This was 2 days ago.; November 10, 2014 at 10:07 AM
HappyGirl said...: And yes MOA I will follow your advice of no contact. Just like he contacted me before he can do that again. I kind of hope he does come back :))); November 10, 2014 at 10:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Happy Girl,
Well here's what's perceived as pursuit by men dear (meaning, when a woman somewhat takes over the lead):

"I invited him to a charity event"

"Two days later, I messaged him saying here is the chat program we can use for calls"

"Two days later I messaged him saying hope his day is going well"

I know those things seem minor to women, however, to men - initiation like that can tend to send off alarm bells for them because they get the sense that the woman is attempting to kick things up a notch or speed things along, instead of following their lead. And when they sense that, it WILL cause them to pull back a little bit.

Given that that can be perceived by men that way and that he did somewhat pull back after those things happened, I think it's best to cease any and all initiating and like you said, he contacted you before, so he can do it again...and if he wants you, he certainly knows where to find you ;-); November 10, 2014 at 2:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have spent the last month reading all the comments on this article and it has been an eye opener and a somewhat depressing at the same time. I think I might be the poster child for what not to do :(

I met this guy on vacation with friends 3 months ago. We were immediately attracted to each other, but he seemed shy/reserved. I made it obvious that I liked him and we ended up being intimate before the week was over. I did ask him if there was anyone else before I slept with him and he said no.

After we parted he immediately initiated contact via text and seemed really into me. We were texting a lot the following days, but he would not call me until I suggested a couple more times that he call instead of text, we ended up having a great conversation a couple times.

After we met he was coming to spend time with family in the same state I live in and I was hoping he would make an effort to see me and he did mention it indirectly, but he seemed to be busy with family etc. He had plans to come visit some friends that live nearby and I told him I would like to see him. He said that he would like to do that.

Then he invited me to come to a friend’s wedding with him, we had an awesome time and I got to meet many of his friends, and we spent the night together. The next morning he showed me around his hometown and took me to his mom’s house to sleep for a little bit before I drove home.

He came to my house the following week and we spent a day together an he asked me to with him to visit his friends.

He went back home a month later after we met, he lives across the country. He started becoming a little distant, he had a lot going on, so I tried not to be pushy or text him too much. There were a few times I thought he was not interested, so I would not text him and wait for him to initiate and he would. In several occasions I told him I missed him and that liked him and his reply would be “awe shucks” and also hinted that I wanted to talk to him and he would just not call, but would text.

I got so frustrated trying to figure out if he liked me and if he wanted to continue talking, but knowing he does not like talking on the phone, I wrote him a letter and sent it electronically.

In the letter I said that I was confused as to how he felt about me, but that liked him a lot and I wanted to get to know him better and possibly have a relationship with him, and that if he did not feel the same way about me that it was cool, that I had to be fair and open myself up to find someone who would want the same as me

Continued…; November 11, 2014 at 8:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Continued…

I have not heard from him since!

After stumbling upon this site I have realized how many mistakes I made and a lot of what I did was on the advice of my friends.( I actually went back to count how many times I initiated conversation…. I text him first 41 times!!! compared to him 25 times…. yikes!!)

It has been over a month since he sent the text telling me he would call and I never did contact him again, so I am proud of that.

I was in an abusive marriage for 13 years and I am now 40 years old and this whole dating thing is so hard. after the marriage ended I took a few years off to just be and heal myself from that and recently had started dating again.

I should also mention that we shared some pretty deep conversations when we were together and he told his father left his family when he was 3 years old and he was surprised he was telling me things he never tells anyone else, it all seemed to fit together, we have so much in common, got along great, his friends and family were surprised he brought a date to the wedding.

Given all the stupid mistakes I made, do you think there is any chance of him making contact?

and after some more time has passed, say another 30-60 days if he has not made contact, should I tap him? and this time of course I would actually let him lead, hopefully by then he will have forgotten some of my crazy chasing behaviour ?

I am doing everything to try to move on but I just feel so stuck on this :(

thank you - Maria; November 11, 2014 at 8:17 AM
Biscuit said...: Hi Mirror, and all the ladies !

I follow your blog for a few months now. I think you are amazing, and so is your work. Just wah ! Reading you really empower me. I'm so happy I've found your blog. It's gold !
Today I feel very sad. I miss the boy I'm still thinking about. We met 3 years ago at school. I wasn't free at the time. We were kind of close, seeing each other to drink coffee, talking a lot about a lot of things. There was definitely something between us. He wrote me a poem, bought me chocolate, etc. He was very respectful of me, NEVER looked at my body with disrespect, always nice, polite, opening doors for me and so on. But, we weren't a couple, I was honest with him about my man. It was like a romantic friendship or something. I was starting to care a lot actually, because none man has ever been so romantic with me >__< Later, he disappeared on me without any explanation. A Few months after, I called him to gain an explanation and we met to talk. Blushing, he told me I he found me very beautiful, to the point it could give me power over him. He said it was worse with me than with any other women. That I was a problem to him. I understand that I was a fantasy for him, and asked him if he liked me. " Of course !! " did he answered, looking at me as if I was crazy. I wasn't brave enough to ask if he liked me like his grand-mother or more. So I asked him if he had think about me during those months of silence. He said " yes, of course I did ! " with this same expression on his face, like I was asking obvious questions. I know it's true, he did think about me, but, Mirror, he never tried to reach me. He had a girlfriend, but I understood that he wasn't in love with her, neither found her attractive actually. I asked him if he was in love with me. He didn't answer my question, remained quiet, just looking into my eyes in silence. I didn't insist.
Then, we said we will meet again, but he went no contact for again a few months. We saw each other again, I asked the exact same quedtion and he answered saying no, he didn't have feeligns for me, " you saw what you wanted to see " etc. I said " But last time you did'nt answered my question ! " and he replied " Because it was obvious !! " OMG Mirror, I was devastated. He was so charming with me, so nice, patient, caring... and suddenly saying to me it was just a game !! A game ! I am a game ???? I was honest with him and really appreciate him, and the moments we spent together. And it was a game ?? OK, we flirted a little, but no feelings ? Just a game ? I was... anyway.
For a few months I remained silent, then called him to have coffee. He said yes, it would be a pleasure to see me again, then added " I don't feel comfortable about you " " yesterday, I was thinking about you, wondering how you were doing, what you were doing... You haven't called me for a long time. He thank it was good new, maybe I were letting go and was happy. Wtf !! He added : " So if you want us to meet, it's up to you, you decide. "
I was like what the hell ? I'm calling you to ask for a coffee, if you are ok with this, and we were basically talking about ME, my feelings, not HIS, like always. This man is a mystery to me. If it can help : he his a 25 years old Taurus and I am a 26 sagi.
I was hurt by his words... I tried to contact him to meet up, but he didn't answered my message or my call and, furious, I didn't insist. If it was up to me, why wasn't he answering my message ?? The truth is, he is the one deciding everything. And he is the one staying away from me. Because he is scared, or because he doesn't give a damn, I don't know. I'm loosing my self confidence because of all this. I don't know Mirror. I'm OK but, sometimes, like today, it's just so difficult :(

cont...; November 11, 2014 at 7:59 PM
Biscuit said...: cont...

My guts tell me he lied about his feelings for me a few months ago. I think he does have feelings for me, but is scared by them, by the " power " I could have over him, because he found me so pretty. And I'm pretty sure he likes my personality too, my hobbies, my laugh, my malicious ways... he runned of the hills because he wanted to put some distance between us, as he told me himself. Because he found me so beautiful and wanted to change, to build a true relationship with his girlfriend. He told me twice " I hope I'm not mistaking here ". So what ?
Now, it's been five months no contact from me. I miss him a lot. I'm confused. I don't know what to think. In love, not in love ? he isn't calling me. I know he is thinking about me though. But he isn't calling !!!
I try to think about me, do stuff, attend school, go out with my friends, spoil myself etc but inside me I'm not in peace. I haven't forgot him. I want to see him again. I want to talk. I don't want to flirt or anything, just a talk, and be light in my heart and head. I don't know Mirror. I do have feelings for him, and that's why I can't forgot this guy.
What should I do ?
In a couple of months, I will leave France to go abroad for a long period of time, and I really want to see this man before leaving. But I don't know if I should call him again. I don't want to chase.
But five months and no contact from him... You know, we never kissed or nothing. Just spent a lot of time together, looking at each other, never breaking eye-contact for a second, talking, etc... it wasn't friendship, it was obvious we were so much attracted to each other. He respected my relationship with my boyfriend and so did I. And now ? Nothing left, except memories that are hurting me.
I really don't know what to do here >___<
Thank you so much Mirror (L) I think you're so elegant and powerful, I'am so happy I managed to write down my story here... I am not proud of me about this, I chased him, I built strong feelings for him. If only I had read this blog befooore...aaaargh ! ^__^; November 11, 2014 at 8:02 PM
Biscuit said...: Actually Mirror, I feel like he knows he can fall in love with me, doesn't want to, is afraid too, and stay away. Cause he has a relation for 3 years with a girl before meeting me, and when I asked him if he was in love with her, he answered : " I don't know ".
o_O How could he didn't know ?? Three years !
And then he told me, to him, love comes within the years, so, about me Biscuit, it wasn't love. But I think, if he spent 3 years with this girl and wasn't in love with her, I'm sorry, what is that ?? I think there are a lot of different kinds of loving someone anyway. I just wanted him to admit it was more than friendship, more than a game, with me. Like I admitted to him. >__< Mistake !
Mirror, do you think you can possibly control your feelings, the way you feel around/about someone, falling in love, etc ? Is that possible ?
This guy likes to have control over things, feels reassured, this, I'm sure about.
I'm so sorry for my language mistakes, I'm very tired, I will pay more attention in the future. Of course I meant my " playful, mischievous ways " earlier, and not my " malicious ways " lol, it's a false-friend word.
Thank you again for your thoughts about this.

Biscuit; November 11, 2014 at 8:18 PM
Anonymous said...: @chk61

Thank you for your words of praise. Yes, the date turned out very well and I am glad about it. I must say one thing - with this man everything seems to be easy. And although I can´t be sure yet whether he is a player or not, I have a feeling that he isn´t the type who deliberately hurts women. He seems to be normal, emotionally and mentally (also physically;-)) perfectly healthy, so I don´t think he needs it. If nothing suspicious happens, I am going to let my guard down with this one. Mirror is right - there have to be two to dance the tango. You can work on yourself, you can get rid of all your imperfections and become a woman goddess but unless the man matches up, nothing comes out of it.

Keep smiling,
Hopeful

P.s.: Did you reply your DM at last?; November 12, 2014 at 12:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Maria,
"I think I might be the poster child for what not to do"

LOL, no worries dear - as you can see - you're not alone here, we've all been there :-)

"I have realized how many mistakes I made and a lot of what I did was on the advice of my friends."

I know they mean well, but honestly, if their advice is "chase him, text him, call him, send him sweet videos" and stuff like that, that basically puts YOU in the lead role...don't listen LOL. Anytime a woman is forced to perform like a circus monkey just to garner a crumb of a man's attention....it's never a good thing, and it won't make you feel good either.

When you find yourself in a situation like that with a man dear, you don't need to for him to TELL you where the relationship stands...all you need to do is LISTEN to his ACTIONS. A man's actions will tell you all you need to know.

"do you think there is any chance of him making contact?"

Anything's possible dear...given the right amount of time and space :-)

"after some more time has passed, say another 30-60 days if he has not made contact, should I tap him?"

No. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested in her - is to see if HE pursues HER. Otherwise, if you put yourself out there like that, please know that men WILL take you up on your offer. They'll sleep with you and hang out a few weeks...and then bolt, because they were never genuinely interested in the first place.

This might help, this piece was written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; November 12, 2014 at 5:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Biscuit,
"This man is a mystery to me"

Well dear, he's really not a mystery. I think it's just that you're having a hard time accepting his "truth" - which is that he isn't interested in a relationship with you unfortunately :-( He's said this:

"he answered saying no, he didn't have feeligns for me"

"You haven't called me for a long time...He thought it was good news, maybe I were letting go and was happy"

That's no mystery dear, it's actually very clear :-(

"If it was up to me, why wasn't he answering my message?"

Most likely this is happening because you're pursuing him romantically, and he's not interested in anything romantic.

"it's been five months no contact from me. I miss him a lot. I'm confused. I don't know what to think. In love, not in love?"

When someone doesn't contact you for 5 months, they're not in love with you dear :-(

"I do have feelings for him, and that's why I can't forgot this guy. What should I do?"

You should accept the reality of the situation dear, and do your best to move forward, dating other men and moving on. This relationship never actually existed. You never officially dated, and he's made it clear he's not interested romantically. So you have no choice but to do your best to use your coping skills to help you move forward and away from the "idea" (fantasy") of him, to accept that no relationship exists or will exist here (reality).

"it wasn't friendship"

But it actually WAS only a friendship dear. There was never anything romantic here except the fantasy of a relationship that was built up in the mind, ya' know?

"I feel like he knows he can fall in love with me, doesn't want to, is afraid too, and stay away. Cause he has a relation for 3 years with a girl before meeting me, and when I asked him if he was in love with her, he answered "I don't know. " How could he didn't know?"

You're focused a lot on his WORDS dear, which honestly, could all be lies. It's ACTIONS that tell the truth. People can SAY whatever they want, but their ACTIONS (or lack thereof) are what reveals the truth. Forget his WORDS and focus on his ACTIONS. And if he's taking no action, then that tells you something. Are you listening to what that's telling you?

"Mirror, do you think you can possibly control your feelings, the way you feel around/about someone, falling in love, etc? Is that possible?"

While you may not be able to take complete control, you CAN manage them. You can use your coping skills to successfully manage those feelings so that you take tiny steps to process them successfully, so that you can move past them.

I'd suggest that you try to do your best here dear to let go of the fantasy of "what MIGHT be" and instead, focus on the reality of "what is." Keep yourself busy, be thankful for your current boyfriend because he's the man that wants to be with you, so show him appreciation. And if you don't feel your boyfriend is the man for you, I'd suggest cutting him loose so that he can go find his happiness too. Once you begin to take steps like that, you'll see dear - the rest begins to fall in place.

But change ALWAYS starts with YOU first ;-); November 12, 2014 at 5:40 PM
chk61 said...: @Hopeful:

Good luck with the dance trainer! I think it's great to let your guard down to get to know him because really, there is no risk at this point. He's just a guy, you're just cycling together, right? So have fun with him and try not to project "what does this mean?". I think that is where we women get in trouble (i have definitely been guilty of this, if I like the guy). And remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said if you are ever feeling doubtful about yourself: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.". ;-)

And no, I haven't replied to the D.M. yet. He was across the world when he wrote, it was literally two lines, and just minutes later I got an invite to his party. I'm not sure what the party invite is all about (I have not rsvp'ed) but I doubt he is seeing anyone seriously if he invited me. Yet I'm not sure if I would feel comfortable at his party (who knows what other "ex" women he invited?) and it is over two weeks away so I'm just going to sit on this for a while...

He did help me a lot with a personal project earlier this year, after I initiated contact, and he knew I was out of the country for a few weeks this fall. He invited all his friends and his parents to the party. Personally, I think it the invitation a "friendly" gesture. I have tried to not attach any meaning to the fact that he was far away in an exotic foreign land when he sent me the email. ;-) I think it would be rude to not RSVP to the party evite at all. What do others think?; November 12, 2014 at 7:20 PM
Biscuit said...: Hello Mirror !

Thank you for your answer.
I'm not chasing him now, as I said it's been five months since the last time I called him. So maybe he will come see what the hell is going on, since I know he thinks I'll call him again (this is the longest time ever we haven't speak to each other). I was hoping to hear from him if a lot of time had passed. You said it can take a few months, even a year, or it can never happen too... that's right.
I am living my life but I must say I miss those moments very much, he is special to me. No one ever touched me like he did. If it wasn't a real relationship, then, why not be friends ? Or, I think he is very attracted to me and will not want us to be friends. So it's a difficult situation.
I was proud of my 5 month silence but now I feel very tired and sad. If it truly was a game, I haven't ask for him to come around and play with me. And now, I care, and his silence is hurting me.
If it's not love, it definitely was something romantic, cause his way of looking at me or taking care of me when we are together were true, I felt them in every of his actions then. Now I don't know, maybe he is trying to forget me or keeping me far so that he doesn't get confused, or maybe he doesn't care at all. I don't know.
If it's " nothing " I guess there's no wrong in calling him then ? No pursuing if it's friendship, right ?
I can't summerize here all the soft moments we shared in the past, but you're right when you're telling me that he isn't doing anything now. Problem is, I want to see him >__<; November 13, 2014 at 8:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Biscuit,
"If it wasn't a real relationship, then, why not be friends?"

Because he knows you don't want a friendship - he knows you want a relationship. He knows that if he agreed to a friendship, you'd push for more than he's prepared to give, and he probably doesn't want to go through that.

"If it's " nothing " I guess there's no wrong in calling him then?"

The definition of insanity dear - is doing the same thing over and over again...and expecting different results.; November 13, 2014 at 8:16 AM
Biscuit said...: Hi Mirror,
I don't want a love relationship with him. I wanted him to continue to be the same to me. But he stopped, he went away because, quoting him, " I fancy you to the point it gives you power on me. " He talked to his girlfriend about me, to be honest to her. I don't know what the hell did he told her, but if he didn't feel anything for me why bother telling anything about some girl to his girlfriend ? We knew each other for about a year during where he chased me, then disapeared, and reapeared having met this girl. And she wasn't happy at all, did he said to me. Whatever, I have nothing against this girl, I am just a little pissed that HE created bonds with me and then broked them as if it was nothing !
Yes, I want a relationship, but not him being my man.That's to say him to be in my life like a friend at least : sending news, seeing each other from time to time. Stay in touch. That it. And actually I think HE is the one who wouldn't be able to manage a friendship with me : he told me, he is way too much attracted to me and can't manage this. I know it's true because of the way he behaves when he is in front of me. He is timid, blushes, always give me his coat when he sees me shivering, kiss me on the forehead, look at me with tender eyes, always pays the bill for me, acts jealous whenever some other boy notices me, and so on and so on. But when we're apart, he is avoiding me. And you are right : he doesn't want a relationship with me. But it's not because he doesn't like me. He told me himself he would have like a relationship with me, even a short one. It wasn't just lust or firendship. Friends don't look at each other this way, and if it was only lust, he would have stopped to see me when it was clear I wasn't going to sleep with him. He wanted me but never crossed the line, and I appreciated that. But this was in the past.
Now, in the present, he isn't there and I suffer from that. But I try not to chase. I am the woman. If he wants me he will come, and maybe I will not want him then, who knows... but I am giving him (and myself) lot of space. And you know, when I called him in the past (chasing) I called him every three months or something, with nothing in between, not even a text. I wasn't breathing down his neck. Just asking for news.
But I guess you're right cause if he wanted a relationship (whatever) with me, I would see him around. Maybe time will tell.
I really want to see him before leaving abroad but I don't know how to do this, and if I will. I am afraid.
But, I try to follow your advice here, saying that we shouldn't chase or enact contact. Over time I hope I'll be fine. But it's been five months and I still miss him around me. Plus I know he thinks about me, but he doesn't contact me anyway, so it's discouraging.
Dear Mirror ! I try to listen to my guts and to my brains to, but it's isn't easy. I made lot of mistakes, I should never ask him what were his feelings towards me. Now I know.
When I was asking you about control over one's feeling, I was asking if it was possible to prevent from falling in love, getting attached, etc, to you opinion. I think it's impossible ?
Thank you Mirror :-); November 13, 2014 at 1:25 PM
Anonymous said...: @chk61

Whether to reply or not... Well, it´s difficult. What about those two lines - did he ask you how you were? If so, I would probably answer those two lines (if you are willing to risk that he might possibly not get back in touch) and along with the answer respond to the invitation as well. Another option would be to ignore both the lines and invitation and let him wonder whether you are still there available to him... Honestly, I don´t know what I would do. Maybe Mirror will suggest something... (?)

As for the trainer - he hasn´t written yet since the Sunday date (he said at the end of the date that he would send me his telephone number) and I am happy because although I am feeling positive overall, it´s been very intense since we met because my feelings vary from self-doubt to happiness and I know that I will have a hard time even if he is serious (or rather, because of that). I feel he has much more experience in the area of dating and relationships than me, which makes me feel vulnerable but maybe that´s what attracts him, I am not sure. What is certain he has already noticed it and I feel as if I was naked. Also, I can´t take his direct sight, I can only look into his eyes from aside, do you believe it? At my age. Well, happy safe singlehood... LOL I can´t imagine what I will do when he decides to kiss me... It´s not that I haven´t dated men but not with this intensity...

Have a nice time, bye
Hopeful; November 13, 2014 at 3:08 PM
chk61 said...: @Hopeful:

He did ask me how my trip was in the email. He did not ask specifically how I was. ;-) So today, after a week, I replied to the Evite with a "maybe" and did not reply to the short email. I am going to see how I feel about attending the party and maybe will bring a male friend in tow, if indeed I decide to go. Then again, I may decide to not go at all.

I think I know what Mirror would suggest. Ha ha. I think she should say to cleanse myself of him once and for all.

Hopeful, I know how you are feeling. It's great you are feeling positive. Just remember: no matter what, you are a catch, the future is bright, and you are fine in your own right, with or without him or any other man. :-); November 13, 2014 at 7:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Here ya' go gals, WRITTEN BY A YOUNG MAN, "11 Things That Are Supposed To Happen On Real Dates That Don’t Anymore:"

http://elitedaily.com/dating/things-supposed-happen-real-date-now-rarely-experience/846800/

I wholeheartedly agree with every single one of them, with the exception of his "pay on the first date, the set a rotation" suggestion.

I understand he's suggesting that because there are women out there that use men for these purposes, but honestly, I think cutting that short at the first date is way too soon because it yanks the special romantic treatment out of the experience too early and then the rotation he suggests sets up a "buddies" type kinda' scenario immediately after that. And women that are formally dating generally aren't seeking buddies, they're seeking capable men for lifelong mates.; November 14, 2014 at 9:01 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror
Thank you for the link, I like that article. Isn´t it a pity that people have to rediscover such obvious things? On the other hand, it´s a good sign that many people are becoming fed up with rudeness and starting to long for class in the dating arena.

@chk61
If he asked you about the trip it´s a good sign, isn´t it? It sounds like he is interested. He could only have sent you the invitation which would have been formal courtesy. Anyway, whatever you decide to do, good luck to you:-)
Hopeful; November 14, 2014 at 1:26 PM
HappyGirl said...: @Happy Girl,
Well here's what's perceived as pursuit by men dear (meaning, when a woman somewhat takes over the lead):

"I invited him to a charity event"

"Two days later, I messaged him saying here is the chat program we can use for calls"

"Two days later I messaged him saying hope his day is going well"

Agree I saw them as minor and basically being "Polite" and answering him. You are right I kind of pushed too much. I gave in - he said install the program to chat, and I did. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling him I did it. He said he is sorry he fell asleep and I got comfortable and asked him how his day was going! He responded good and asked how mine was. Then I said I was free to talk in evening and then asked if he could talk now. He said he was in a meeting. Then messaged again saying when he is finished he would call me and of course he didn't. MOA you are right so ladies listen to the advice here. Argh I wish I could go back a week in time and not do those things I did. I should have enjoyed the pursuit more but I know guys in this culture like the pursuit till they sense you are playing games aka too hard to get so I wanted to make sure I wasn't bitchy either and push him away. He did a great job in beginning of messaging first, asking for number, asking about plans, asking me out to coffee right away. I should have been smarter and played it right. Hopefully he pulls back a little and comes back. I already am doing the NC rule for sure and will continue. Has been a week since our last messages. I have a good friend who is like you MOA - she keeps me on track and doesn't let me get comfortable with the idea of messaging him.

I really hope he does come back and message or call me again. I had a chance to go out with him and I passed, he called and I couldn't take his call. Hopefully he gives it another chance.

Some people are from a different school of thought but not sure I agree with them. "Well he asked you out, and you were not available, he tried to call you and you were busy so he is HURT". MOA I don't think men get as hurt as we do and are no where near as sensitive as we are. I honestly think we women over analyze everything and over do! They go on with their lives and days without even thinking about any of the things we waste energy on. I think everything you say on here MOA is in general the right approach. I have been reading your blog forever so I am a little disappointment in myself for getting carried away and messing up last week.; November 14, 2014 at 4:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HappyGirl,
"I know guys in this culture like the pursuit till they sense you are playing games aka too hard to get"

Well here's the thing dear. That comment above - it does NOT apply to gentlemen. You see, there's a BIG DIFFERENCE between players and serial daters and hookup guys - and gentlemen. Gentlemen understand the subtleties of masculine versus feminine - they understand that feminine energy is submissive. As a result, they do NOT consider a woman observing and making a guy work for it as "games." They simply see it as the way women are MEANT to be - submissive (not aggressive), permitting the male to take the lead, and expecting the female to resist a bit.

A dear friend of mine told me one time her dad gave her "the talk" when she was young. He said something along the lines of, "You need to understand that a boys job is to TRY. And your job is to say NO." That's the way gentlemen are brought up...so no, they don't consider a woman holding back and being her feminine submissive self as "game playing." They see it as the natural way for a woman to be - feminine.

So when you come across men who are making you feel as if you're playing games simply because you're living in your feminine role - chances are, those are NOT men you'd want to be dating anyway (i.e. they're not gentlemen).

I'm not sure if you're familiar with Evan Marc Katz, but he runs a dating site as well. And a reader here shared this from his site on another article here today:

"...Evan Marc Katz. From my understanding he describes himself as an alpha male with a long track history of dating many women before he met his wife. Anyways, sometime ago I came across this excerpt from his material. It really talks to mirroring and initiating. He says:

“Your observation that men are chiding you for not chasing him down is a valid one. I’ve heard it from other women before and will admit to being perplexed by it. All I can suggest is that these men who need YOU to call THEM are pretty much like women themselves.

Just look at his reaction: a text to tell you that he doesn’t hear from you enough, so it must be over. Hate to say this, but it sounds like a woman to me. I dated my wife for a year and a half before proposing and I don’t think she initiated contact with me once in that time. It’s not because she was playing games. It’s because she knew that if I wanted to talk to her, I’d call her.

Most women don’t have the fortitude to really trust that a guy WILL make the effort for them, so you try to manipulate it subtly.”

AMEN Marc LOL!!!

I've said it myself here MANY times before - these men who expect you to chase...effectively what they're doing is taking on the FEMININE role, the submissive role, and expecting the woman to man up and take the masculine role, the lead role. And when she does that, when she does what they've expected her to do - they run away screaming, "Crazy lady, crazy lady!" And they can't figure it out for themselves that they ASKED FOR IT. They acted like women, expected the woman to chase them, she does that and then they run away, like little girls, screaming about how crazy women are.

I don't get it - and I don't like it at all in a man. I want my men to be MEN. If I wanted to date a woman, I'd switch teams LOL ;-)

Cont...; November 14, 2014 at 6:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: So don't use men like that as your compass to judge men as a whole on dear. Because as I said earlier, there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between players and serial daters verus real men - gentlemen.

"Well he asked you out, and you were not available, he tried to call you and you were busy so he is HURT"

Hurt because someone was busy or unavailable for a call??? No - you know what that is? It's INSECURITY and lack of CONFIDENCE. If he were living back in the hunter/gatherer days...he would NOT be a good hunter. He'd probably be in the cave grinding corn against a rock with the ladies LOL.

Hang in there dear. You're not alone here, don't beat yourself up. Life is a journey, we're all here learning lessons...and sometimes people show up in our lives to be TEACHERS, and not life long mates ;-); November 14, 2014 at 6:43 PM
chk61 said...: Thanks Mirror for that link. Wow, times really have changed and not for the better. The article shows that there ARE men out there who prefer the traditional date. Hopefully the pendulum will swing back to a more respectful time. One can only hope. Or women have to MAKE men treat dating more respectfully. Men get away with a lot of bad behavior because women LET them! Sad but true. My 89 year old mother likes to say: "women took themselves off of the pedestal". ;-)

@ Hopeful. I still haven't replied to his email. I think I did mention here that I replied "maybe" to the party invitation. Yeah, he was on the other side of the world when he emailed me but his greeting was so very brief. Then the Evite arrived minutes later. Still, yes, it shows he was thinking of me.

Yet from perusing his guest list, I saw at least one other woman that I know he met the same online dating website, and I believe this is the woman he referred to when he told me one of our dates he had made a "friend" through online dating. I know this can happen, there is a woman in my social group who met one of the guys through online dating but they never took it past the first meeting, instead they became friends.

So standing around and being asked how I met him at his party could be awkward. I have a male friend who said he might be interested in going but I still don't know if it is really worth it. I think if this D.M. was seriously interested in me he would not invite me to a gathering with other women he has dated. Also, based on the invitation, I do not believe he is not seeing anyone seriously nor does he want to. Why on earth would he invite ME if that was the case? It's a friendly gesture, in my opinion. He also invited all his friends and his parents AND his ex-wife! I still don't know what to make of it.; November 15, 2014 at 11:57 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello ladies,

Well i stumbled upon this link yesterday and read most of the posts on here. Wow i cant tell you how sorry i am for what all of you are going through, so i would like to share something with you .. I have been proposed to 4 times and married twice. Good men do exist ..
I wanna ask , how many of you have seen the movie He's just not that into you??? i bet 99% of you have and saw it more than 10 times for sure.. now here is my next question..how many of you really payed attention to the beginning when the little boy in the park pushes and calls the little girl doggy poo..my heart bled for that little girl and i wanted to do physical harm to her insane mother , who ( and this takes the cake), told her own daughter that the reason the boy is mean because he likes her... and thats when all your problems begin.... I grew up in a little mountain village in eastern europe where if a boy did that to a little girl the mom would simply call that litlle boy for what he is, A MEAN BOY AND TO RUN THE OTHER WAY EVERYTIME I SAW HIM, these are simple and humble mountain people, im flabbergasted that little girls in north america are told otherwise and grow up insecure and chasing after douche bags. When a douche bag acts like one HE IS ONE ladies, no exception....NOw when they do get cute and pull the old dissapearing act guess what, he is almost ready to bolt, now here is what separates women from smart women, smart secure women know that, and as a reaction they do not start chasing the guy they do the opposite, simply because no one want to enter a losing battle. Somehow the logic overpowers emotion. Master that and you will not go through all this anguish. Yes sometimes they do resurface, god knows my exes do and some of them appear even after 2 years, all you need to is just a few simple things, such as, at the beginning dont put up with any crap, i have seen women half as good as mailboxes that have good looking guys so whipped its insane, why is that you ask??? its bcz they refused to be trated as an option? how is that done? simply and again here is where smart women ( by that i mean women that know when to use logic, not emotion) prevail, when they first meet the guy they are simply not afraid to ask for or demand how to be treated, here is where a lot of women screw up, they think that by refusing , saying no or simply call the bastard out , they will lose him, ( fear and insecurities kick in , like what if i scare him away??) well guess what most alpha males ( i have a lot of them around me) say, nothing can be further from the truth, 99% of the time guys will respect you for doing that, key difference is to have their respect, everything else is gravy. The insecure ones that run, LISTEN TO THIS ONE VERY WELL..end up doing you the biggest favor, its exhausting to be with an insecure little boy trust me, ALSO AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL, i know deep down we all want that everyguy we meet to be at our feet. Realisticly there is no way on earth that will happen. Even the most beautiful women and the most goood looking guys get rejected from time to time, thats life and thats reality, ultimatly is how you respect yourself its what matters in the end, as for the douche bag , no matter how much you try to disect the situation chances are you will never know. Again advise from my alpha male brother, if you want answer to your questions why not be direct and ask the guy point blank, why on earth do you ladies throw yourselves through all these useless loops?? you will be pleasantly surprised that the answers you get will save you a lot of time and energy in the long run. Thank you MOA and thanks to all the ladies who are sharing here, we all should help each other.
Good luck girls:)

My alpha male brother wanted me to add this>>> DO NOT GIVE ANY MAN ANY MONEY UDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES...; November 15, 2014 at 5:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"...from perusing his guest list, I saw at least one other woman that I know he met on the same online dating website...He also invited all his friends and his parents AND his ex-wife! I still don't know what to make of it."

You know, I understand that there are many unconventional relationships out there, such as exes remaining BFF's. Same with people you've dated. Although it's generally not for me, I get it. But I gotta' say...this is saying a lot about him. It's screaming narcissism to me:

"Narcissists mostly need admiration, although attention sure is appreciated and might be the next best thing. Narcissists need admiration all the time.,,, When someone with NPD in your life is in immediate need for admiration - they may have experienced cracks in their superior self-image - and need an admiration "injection."

And notice how they make the distinction between attention and admiration - attention is one thing, but admiration signals something "superior" in nature, something to be glorified in some manner.

So to me, it looks as if possibly, he's suffered a self-image setback, is in need of an admiration "injection," so he decides to throw this party, and surround himself by women in his life that he thinks will provide the admiration that he's in need of. Women that he probably assumes retain a glorified image of him.

That's what this is all about dear - it's about HIM.

He's surrounding himself with his "fans" in a sense, and as the host, he will be the center of attention. And while that might sound like a stretch here to some...do not dismiss what his ACTIONS are saying - the actions of sending out an invite list that includes placing 3 women (possibly even more) you've most likely been romantically involved with in the same room for a gathering.

Most men...if you suggested that they do that and gather women they've been involved with into one room - their immediate response would be, "Hell NO!" But this DM - his response is completely different - he's actually inviting that. And that says a lot.

I'm sure you'll make whatever decision is best for you chk61. But you might want to consider whether or not you want to give this DM this type of satisfaction. No one wants to be used as a pawn simply to fulfill someone else's selfish needs, ya' know?

Not to mention that, even though everyone is adult here, add some alcohol into the mix, a guy in the middle of it all puffing his feathers like a peacock all night, and several women that were involved with him all in one room - then layer hours of emotional "build up" from glances, words and subtleties taking place all night on top of that, possibly rubbing some the wrong way - and you have a potential hot bed of drama waiting to explode.

It's the entire reason most other males would never even CONSIDER doing this. Yet this DM is inviting this. Gives ya' something to think about is all, ya' know?; November 16, 2014 at 8:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 15, 5:39 PM,
"...when the little boy in the park pushes and calls the little girl doggy poo ...and her mother told her that the reason the boy is mean is because he likes her ... that's when all your problems begin.

I grew up in a little mountain village in eastern europe where - if a boy did that to a little girl - the mom would simply call that little boy for what he is, A MEAN BOY - AND TO RUN THE OTHER WAY EVERYTIME I SAW HIM. These are simple, humble mountain people. I'm flabbergasted that little girls in north america are told otherwise, and grow up insecure and chasing after douche bags. When a douche bag acts like one, HE IS ONE ladies, no exception"

Excellent insight - after all, we are products of our environment in a sense. Maybe not entirely, but environmental factors certainly shape us to an extent and affect us in different ways. And I do agree that societal "energy" - or maybe expectations - of women do set us up from day one as "less" to an extent. Which probably lends to the fact that as women, we tend to take a lot of crap, and somehow convince ourselves that it's our "place" in this world to do that...to absorb the crap of others and take it upon ourselves, sacrificing ourselves and our happiness to lengthy extents, just to see those around us happy.

In the end, you end up unfulfilled many times, acting like an appliance for others - laundry, cleaning, feeding and food preparation, cleaning up everyone's messes, putting yourself out to the point of exhaustion, keeping everyone's schedules, running everyone around like a taxi...an we're led to believe, through subtle societal "expectations" of us...that if we do that, we will receive love in return.

But the reality is that when we do that - we become the equivalent of the doormat sitting at the threshold on your front porch. Which is why I always say ladies....stop "do, do, doing." When you feel the need to "do" something to make something happen - or remind a man you exist - catch yourself, and just stop.

Because when you do that, you're playing right into those "lesser" expectations and you're asking for the words "wipe feet here" to be plastered across your forehead, just like the doormat sitting at the threshold of your front door. And everyone's gonna' wipe their dirt and crap across your face as they trample right over you, without giving you a second thought.; November 16, 2014 at 9:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
EXCELLENT read gals: "How to Get People to Like You: 7 Ways From an FBI Behavior Expert"

http://time.com/3575981/get-people-to-like-you-fbi-behavior-expert/

He speaks to the Law of Scarcity here in that he suggests:

"Establishing a time constraint early in the conversation can put strangers at ease...First thing: tell them you only have a minute because you’re headed out the door."

Being "scarce" somehow works magic in the human brain. It can wreak havoc on your insecurities, but if you just trust and have confidence that you're worth it - and make yourself scarce - people are somehow magnetically drawn to that.; November 16, 2014 at 9:20 AM
chk61 said...: @Mirror. Thanks for your thoughts. I know this DM is friendly with his ex-wife, her boyfriend and they share custody of their two kids. I do find it very interesting that he would invite ME to his party, where I may meet his parents, his kids, his ex-wife and other women he possibly dated! I think in his mind, he must consider us casual friends.

This is the fourth time he has thrown this party on this specific weekend though. I remember he told me about it also when we first communicated on the online dating site, it was the day after he had the party. From the few responses I saw on his evite, one person said "oh, so this is becoming an annual event!"

I did see one woman who rsvp'ed "Yes, looking forward to it!" and out of my own morbid curiosity, I looked her up on Facebook. There appears to be no way these two know each other except probably through online dating. I know it is possible yet I have a hunch he met her online. So it appears that I would be standing around with at least one former flame who is probably hoping he'll pick her and give her some attention. And I saw another name on the list, a woman that I am pretty certain he met through the dating site. She had not yet responded.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to go. He knows me well enough that he probably thinks I'm not the type to create a scene (I'm not). Yet, I agree, Mirror, that via the invitation, he is hoping to surround himself with single women admirers at his party. And while it would be very interesting to meet his parents, and his kids, etc...I'm not sure I want to explain how I know him and just be part of a gaggle of hopeful females. ;-); November 16, 2014 at 10:49 AM
piscesgirl said...: Happy Sunday Mirror and the rest of you ladies!:) I hope you all had a wonderful week and are staying warm. It's sooo cold here in Canada:( i think i need to stop going out and freezing my butt off and just hibernate at home instead lol. Thank you so much for sharing that article Mirror! Having good interpersonal skills and knowing how to relate to all kinds of people and making them feel comfortable enough to trust you and open up is so important whether it be personal or professional relationships. I think I might actually buy his book. As a woman we can never underestimate how important is to have good conversational skills but also know when to shut up and just listen! lol
So i have a question in regards to sex. I know we are supposed to hold off on it but what i realized is that just because you are physically attracted to someone doesn't mean that you will have sexual chemistry as i learned from my experiences with the very sexy douchebag. So what if you spend 3 months getting to know someone and you really hit off and then you finally have sex and realize it just doesn't measure up (literally lol) isnt it better to find out sooner than later? now im not trying to justify having sex too early on but i think its advantageous to know if the sexual chemistry is there or not...
At anonymous who posted "I'm flabbergasted that little girls in north america are told otherwise, and grow up insecure and chasing after douche bags. When a douche bag acts like one, HE IS ONE ladies, no exception"
i couldn't agree more! ive been doing a lot of self reflection lately to try and figure out why im initially attracted to douchbags and they seem to be attracted to me and i think it comes down to their confident swagger. I like a manly man. They just seem to have something about them that all the ladies want but then they end up hurting and disappointing us and eventually disappearing and all the red flags were there. I had a dream about my most recent experiences with a douchebag and even in my dreams he wasn't nice! lol he said something rude to me and then turned and walked away. I don't get it. I don't understand how things can start off so hot then suddenly turn so bitterly cold. I feel like douchebags are indifferent at best or altogether emotionless creatures at worst and they don't care about anybody's feelings but their own.; November 16, 2014 at 1:15 PM
HappyGirl said...: Thanks MOA as usual you give great advice without sound "bitchy" - sorry couldn't find a better way to put it. He is actually a man's man and a big gentleman which is what makes it even worst. I think I am just too excited for things to kick off but need to sit back and watch it play out. I honestly think he is so busy with the campaign etc. We just met 2 weeks ago and haven't even been on a date yet so I can't expect much from him till we actually date if we get there. I think women and men having different views of time. I read somewhere that it takes men longer to figure out what they want to do next especially if they are stressed from work. I am not making excuses for him but I am being realistic. I met a very successful smart man who happens to have an extremely busy life and we met at a very busy time for him. I think if he does ask me out next time, I will definitely go because I want to see if I even like him because if there is something that this proves, it is that scarcity makes someone much more desirable and valuable!!!! It is unbelievable.

One issue his birthday is coming up in 3 weeks. We discussed his birthday so he knows I know. Sending him a quick note is wrong right?

Fingers crossed I hear from him this week. If not, oh well....; November 16, 2014 at 2:06 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror
Thank you for the link, it´s really useful information:-).

@chk61
With this new information concerning the DM I personally would hesitate to go to the party. Mirror has valid points. Be cautious and put your peace of mind first.

My update: The dance trainer has sent me the first e-mail after our last Sunday trip (he let me wait 6 days). "He is abroad again for another dance competition, is tired of travelling but in the near future will have more time for himself and his activities. Our Sunday trip was very pleasant, he believes I must have had a nice week as I was smiling a lot during the trip"... His name and telephone number in brackets.

I would like to ask your opinion. Do you smell player-type communication here or I am paranoid? Namely the phone number in brackets - can´t he write something along the lines of "this is my phone number, could you please send me yours"? What do you think, Mirror and the Ladies? I did some searching on the internet. His son is a dancer too, a really wild young man surrounded by beautiful women. Maybe following in his father´s footsteps LOL... I come from a different background and have a different education level, so I have some doubts. On the trip he sounded intelligent and 100% decent but when I saw his son´s pictures I got a little scared. Also, I remember him saying that he desires freedom above everything. At that time I understood it philosophically (perhaps the context of the conversation led me to) and I even told him that I am of the same view but maybe he just wanted to warn me that he wants free relationships with women.

I am going to let him wait for my response for a few days but what to write? Shall I send him my number without being asked by him? At the end of the trip he mentioned sending me his number and I said yes. Then we parted.

Thanks for any suggestions or opinions, any ideas will help me. Have a nice evening and look after yourself:-) Hopeful; November 16, 2014 at 4:53 PM
Shelby said...: Mirror,

I have a challenge of which I have yet to find a solution. I don’t expect that you have a crystal ball but perhaps you may have a few tips for me. I live in a very rural town. So the prospects of dating here are about zero. Most men that I have dated I have met on dating sites and they are long-distance relationship. The problem is; I can’t seem to figure out how to pace the relationship. This is how they typically go:

1.) Week One, Online - We make brief written introductions, conversation and hello’s.

2.) Week Two, Online -We delve a little deeper and exchange two or three more in depth written correspondences.

3.) Week Three, Telephone - We talk two or three times & typically at that point he wants a real world date.

4.)Week Four, Date - I have amazing intuition and do my homework. I typically always know for certain that I’m going to like the guy enough to see him face to face. But when you’re dating long distance and a man makes an investment to travel great lengths, spend dollars on airfare etc… Well, they want more than one dinner. They want to make the most of all the distance that they have come and all the money they have spent on airfare. They want dinner, plus they want to spend the rest of the weekend together. It feels like zero to five million all in one weekend. And the relationships are burning out shortly after. They disappear. And I truly “get” why. It’s too much to fast. I know things should progress at a much slower rate. However, when I have tried to suggest that we “only” have dinner. That always goes horribly bad. They say something along the lines of, I’m going to travel six hours and you’re only going to see me for dinner. …And I’ll say something like yes I have plans the next day. …And they’ll say something like ok. Let’s plan this a time when you don’t have plans the next day. …And if I’m honest and say; look it’s too much too fast. I want our relationship to grow at a proper pace. …Well mirror, like I’ve seen you state many places and with other women having a “relationship” or “confrontation” conversation with a man goes bad fast. They are like, what do you mean you want it to grow at a proper pace? What’s wrong with this pace?

Any tips for me mirror? Any tips of how I can pace a long-distance relationship?

Thank you!; November 16, 2014 at 5:10 PM

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