"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

How, What, When To Text Men

As many of my regular readers know, things have taken a turn into the dating world here with a myriad of dating and relating discussions now taking place. (Don't worry, we'll get back to astrology soon.) And I get asked a variation of one particular question quite often, and that is:

“Should I contact him?”

A few different variations of that are as follows:

“How should I text him?” “When do you text men?” “What do you text men?” “How do I respond?” “When do I respond?” “What should I say?” "How do you text men?"

And a personal observation about the matter is that women communicate too much, too often. Particularly in the early days of a budding relationship, the precise time when they should be communicating the least. Rather than sitting back, being emotionally strong, mysterious and confident, and letting the man pursue you, many women have taken to being the aggressors these days in relationships. That’s a real turn off to men. Let me correct that. That’s a real turn off to a man who genuinely likes you. (It’s a real turn on only to the man seeking a brief fling.)

Which, I believe, is the reason that more women, nowadays than ever, are experiencing the “hit and run” with men. Why are you being treated like a hit and run? Because you’re presenting yourself as the perfect victim for one. Being the aggressor with a man is akin to being a hitchhiker, standing on the side of the highway, using your goods to flag down passing motorists.

You get a ride – that’s it.  A ride to the next off ramp, nothing more.

And being the aggressor with men, especially when texting men, gives them the impression that you’re desperate for that ride. That you really want it, that you really need it and that you'll do just about anything to get it - even if it means selling yourself short. I don’t have to explain why that is NOT the impression you need to give the modern day male when texting men.

The modern day female aggressor is turning the dating world onto its head. And not in a good way. This behavior is making men lazy about dating. It’s not demanding that they rise to the challenge (which, by the way, they love) and it’s just downright too easy for them. As a result, many men have taken to serial dating, plowing their way through all these women who are offering themselves up on a platter.

Help a sister out, ladies. Stop doing this - right now.

You’re revealing too much about yourself by doing so and you don’t realize how much you’re saying by actually reaching out all the time. Do you realize what it says to a man when you’re always initiating the communication? Do you realize how your good morning texts are coming across to him? Do you realize how constantly checking in with him automatically tells him that there’s no other man in your life? Do you honestly think these are good impressions you’re making?

Take a look at the hitchhiker photo above?  Is that REALLY the impression you want to make?

When You're Initiating Communication First

You’re telling him you’re desperate for his attention. When you wish him good morning all the time, you’re telling him that you’re needy, that you’re obsessing over him, and that this is headed straight into relationship territory, quick. When you’re constantly checking in with him, you’re telling him that he’s on the end of a leash (yours) and that there’s no other man in your life. Hell, you’re telling him you HAVE no life. Now I ask you again, do you think these are good impressions to make early on in the dating game? Hell no.

Again, it’s akin to the hitchhiker. Standing on the side of the road, showing your goods screaming, “Me! Me! Please pick me errr . . . up.” Pick me up please. Really, that’s what you’re shooting for here? A pickup, a hook up?

Behave like that and that’s indeed what you’ll get . . . taken for a ride.

Men like a challenge, men admire confidence in a woman. Confidence is a known trigger for attraction. And triggering emotional attraction is what you need to shoot for to have a lasting relationship.

Bribery, convincing, constantly reminding him you exist . . yea, these do nothing for his attraction for you. Besides, who wants to be with someone you had to bribe with sex or convince verbally that you’re a great person and that they should be with you?

All of the below texting techniques are for responding only, not for initiating contact (because initiating contact is never a good thing unless you’re in love and you’re in an established, committed relationship. Then, it’s ok to start reaching out – a bit.)

Put on your seatbelts, gals. We’re about to take our own little ride here.

How To Text Men

Communicate In A Fun, Carefree Manner

When you do communicate with a man (in response, not via initiating it), you need to hang loose. You need to give the impression that you’re carefree and that you have a sense of humor, that you’re actually fun to be around. (Reminder: Communicating your emotions constantly is NOT considered fun for a man.)

Keep It Short

Women share too much and it can make men feel exhausted and drained. He doesn’t care what you ate for dinner or what you’re watching on TV. Keep your responses short, keep him guessing and most importantly, keep him wanting more.

Don’t Respond Immediately

If he gets a response to his texts in 3 minutes every time he texts you, you’re signaling to him that you’ve got not life, there’s nothing exciting going on, and that you’re sitting around waiting for him to contact you. It’s a known fact that people want what they can’t have. So being scarce when it comes to responding will trigger attraction for you. Being available immediately will throw a bucket of cold water on his attraction for you. You’ll be boring and predictable, not mysterious and exciting.

What To Text Men

Create General Tension Between The Two Of You

This has to be done carefully, but when done the right way, can have an INSTANT effect on a man. And it’s usually pulled off properly via some friendly teasing. For instance, if he texts you, “I’m really a nice guy” your response should be, “Well this should be interesting because I have a strict rule - I only date dickheads.”

A response like that will throw off his guard. All of a sudden, he’s intriqued. Why? Because you’re not like all the other “nice” girls. You’re not sitting there, saying boring stuff like, “Yea, you seem like a nice guy.” That triggers nothing in his erogenous zone or his emotional mind space. But take a lighthearted jab at him and boom – you’ve got his interest.

Another example might be this. Say you’re on a first date and he’s wearing a striped shirt. He says to you, “I normally don’t dress this way, but I dressed up for you tonight.” Your response should be something like, “Oh thank God because that shirt is making me dizzy.” He’ll look right into your eyes after that one. He’ll be tossed off guard and he’ll be wondering, “Did she really mean that?” Now that you’ve really captured his attention, when he goes for that look, you look right back at him and let a big grin slide across your face. Then you reach out and touch his arm (to reassure him) and say something like, “Gotcha, didn't I?”

When he goes home that night, he’ll still be unsure as to whether or not you meant what you said. Perfect. Because, you know what? He’s now thinking about you. And he’ll toss that around over and over and over, he’ll even be a little insecure over it. Again, perfect. (This is a tactic men use on women daily, playing on a bit of insecurity.) You see, you’re flipping the script on him. You’re not like other women, you’re different, and you’re not afraid that he won’t be interested in you. You’re not sitting there being fake and trying to please him, you’re sitting there being real and entertaining yourself. He’ll love that about you, trust me.

Create Sexual Tension Between The Two Of You

This, too, must be done carefully and in a respectful manner. Again, teasingly but lighthearted. For example, if he texts you and says, “I really liked that dress you had on the other night.” You respond by saying, “That’s good, because it’s going to be a while before you ever see me out of it ;-)”

Or if he says to you, “I was hoping we could spend a little private time together and maybe hang out at your place tonight” you respond by saying, “Sure, that’s fine. I have a Rottweiler (Disclosure: Mirror of Aphrodite does indeed own a Rottweiler) and a .38 Special that I’ll introduce you to if you don’t behave ;-)”

Or if you’ve met online and are planning your first date and he wants to pick you up and texts something like, “I can pick you up at 7.” You respond by saying, “I’m going to have to meet you there. You see, I’m a serial killer and my torture kit is in my trunk.”

Notice I added the wink emoticons after some of those text responses? It’s an immediate visual way to get the point across that you’re serious - but you’re also jagging – again, keep em’ guessing. It’s also a great way to make them smile and laugh, drop their guard and consider you funny and someone cool to be around. It also signals that they’re going to have to work at this a bit. Be a challenge.

Handle Aggressive Sexual Behavior Immediately, In A Mature Manner

Every guy ventures into sexual innuendoes eventually. So be prepared for how you need to handle this. First off, refrain from exchanging sexual images with one another and don't permit yourself to receive them from a man.

If a guy starts zapping you nude images of himself, it's best to cut that off right away by saying something like, “You must have me all wrong.” Or, “This is making me very uncomfortable, I was hoping you were different.” Just don’t go there, ever. It's not a good idea and dear God, never put your face in those images if you're going to do it anyway.

Men like that are players and they will send all their friends your naked photos. Trust me, I’ve seen hundreds from my male friends. More than I care too and it depresses me when I see loads of great women acting like harlots instead of real women. If you want to be treated like a harlot, send the photos (and know that you're relationship will be over in two months, either by his hand or yours). If you want to be treated like a woman and taken seriously, don’t engage in that behavior. Even in a committed relationship because when you break up, you might see those photos on his Facebook page.

When To Text Men

Umm, Never. Just Kidding – Sort Of

It’s a big no-no to initiate communication and texting with a man, especially in the early days of a budding relationship. You see, during that time, he’s hanging back and this is so that he can observe you closely. Him pulling back will bring up your insecurities and he knows this. So he’ll pull back and go into “wait and see” mode. Is she crazy? Is she a psycho? Is she needy? Is she emotionally unstable? Is she going to make me the center of her entire existence?

If you start texting him, he’ll deem the answer to all of the above questions a big, fat, resounding YES. And he’ll bolt on you.

If You’re In An Established, Committed Relationship

At this point, it’s ok to reach out. But not too heavily and only here and there. You can’t begin to overwhelm a man or dominate his time in any manner at any stage in a relationship. If you do that, he’ll break off the relationship eventually, no matter how far into it or how many months or years you’ve been dating.

If You’ve Had A Change Of Plans

If you’ve made plans and you’re running late or something has come up, go ahead and text him to let him know. It’s a sign of respect and courtesy at this point.

If You Said You’d Get Back To Him On Something

If you told him about something cool for him to check out or said that you’d get back to him about whether or not to go on a date this Friday, then yes, text him.

If He’s Made A Nice Gesture

If he’s sent flowers or an email that made you smile, something specifically for you since he knew you had a bad day or something, then yes, text him a nice thank you.

If It’s A Holiday or Special Occasion

If it’s Christmas or Thanksgiving or his birthday – go ahead and wish him well. But keep it short. Don’t make it look like it was an excuse for an hour long text session that’s going to dominate half of his day.

If He’s Texting You Consistently

If he’s in communication regularly and he seems really interested in moving the relationship forward (via his actions, not his words) then it’s ok to reach out but only once in a while. For example, if he’s been texting you good morning or goodnight every day for two weeks, beat him to the punch one morning or one evening and surprise him.

If you never do this and then one day, you do this, he’ll feel special and get really excited. But that’s only if it’s something you rarely if ever do, and have just done once or twice.

Get Into These Communication Habits

Get into the habit of communicating like this with men and you’ll have droves of them thinking your cool, funny and fun to be around. They’ll WANT to be around you, they’ll WANT to talk to you, they’ll ENJOY your company and they will SEEK you out.

So remember ladies, when communicating, keep it short, don’t be afraid to show your fun, snarky side, don’t be afraid to be yourself, be natural, be playful and be carefree. That’s it, it’s really that simple.

And men just absolutely adore simple.

Related Posts with Thumbnails


«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 400 of 850   Newer›   Newest»
J1 said...

@ Vee I tried onlione dating once and failed miserably at it. I do alright in personal interactions but I tried online dating hoping to find women with similar interests as myself and literally got zero attention/responses from anyone. From a woman's persepctive, what draws your attention to a profile?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the article, I needed to hear that. I need to know how to respond to something. What if you have been talking to someone for the past three weeks, he initiates every conversation, says good morning every morning, we have good conversations on getting to know each other. Its his birthday so I initiated the text and I havent heard from him all day, how do I respond when he text me next whether it be in the morning to say "good morning" or next time?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Balance things out and mirror his behavior. However long it takes him to reply...that's how long you take to respond.

Anonymous said...

@ MOA March 24, 2013 at 8:28 AM
Thank you so much for your feedback. I have written about this on another site and the advise I got was the total opposite. I guess that's why I had those comments about the lame excuse and being genuinely interested....I will definitely keep what you said in mind.

Thanks again :)

Anonymous said...

Hi :)

Just wondering..I went out with a guy for 4 dates, sunday was the 4th. We had a good time and he was mentioning getting together in the future. He said he'd text. So, I'm thinking if he doesn't in the next 3-4 days, should i? I believe it should be 50-50, no?. I read your article. I like him, and am not a needy/clingy person. But I have a fear of disappearing men and can get insecure about it


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Hi Elisia,
No, I don't think you should contact him, as stated in the article.

If you let fear an insecurity steer the wheel, men pick up on that - QUICK.

So unless that's the impression you want to give him, I'd let him contact you. If he doesn't, then you simply accept that he wasn't genuinely interested and you move on gracefully.

Vee said...

What draws my attention? I browse a little in the guy's profiles and look at the pictures. I do read their "tell about yourself" paragraphs, but mostly I'm looking for how bitter they sound (some are pretty awful), or if they can string together a sentence and are halfway smart? I don't pay much attention because anyone can craft a profile to make themselves sound wonderful. I do like the ones that are snarky or fun. I hang back from contacting because I've found that (like mirror says) if the guy doesn't have interest it goes nowhere so I let them contact me first. The free sites seem to be predatory and the guys (and maybe the gals) are not sincere? It usually takes 20 contacts or so before I find one that I date and date 5 or so of them before I find one I like in person. So I'm not having a lot of luck. I try to look at it as a numbers game.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA! I love your articles and am hoping you can help me with my situation-

I've met a great guy off an online dating site- he's sweet, kind and chivalrous and we share a lot of the same values. We've gone on 3 dates, the most recent this past weekend he invited me to his roommates kids birthday party (his roommate/friend is married with a kid) and he also introduced me to 2 of his good friends there too and we all got along really well. He's 28 like me and is pretty 'country'- into the simple life (but I am too lol).

So the hitch is that we've been dating for the past 3 months- but only been on 3 dates! He texts me everyday just to ask how my day was and chat so I know he's interested, but it's gotten frustrating waiting for him to ask me out again. When he was driving me home from the party, I said "well I hope its not another whole month before I get to see you again!" playfully and he said "I know me too". Im going home to visit my family for Easter this weekend and he told me in 3 weeks hes going on vacation for 16 days to visit his family and go to a friends 30th bday party. He gave me a great kiss goodnight, but we haven't made plans to see eachother again. The other thing is he's hard to read- he doesn't flirt a lot (in text) and gives a lot of 1 word answers so its hard to tell what he's thinking. He's in the military (stationed here in a tech job on base) so I guess his personality is very straight forward.

So I guess Im just wondering- is he just looking to build something slowly over time? Why would he wait so long to ask me out between dates? He did ask me to a party after our 1st date at his house but I didn't feel comfortable going to his place yet so I declined politely, and then I had a party after our 2nd date I invited him to, but he was sick for a week so he couldn't come either. He also works shift work which is stressful, he works 12 hour days Wed-Sat and I work a regular M-F so that's also a challenge. He said he should be getting a regular schedule though in June so that would help. I think it's a great sign he introduced me to his friends but the gaps between seeing eachother concerns me- is he playing me? Should I keep dating other guys? I really like him but its hard to tell what hes thinking.

Anonymous said...

dear Mirror,
I just want to say that i thank you so much for posting this article.If it wasn't for this article I would still be chasing guys all through the house and out the door.Ok this is sort of a long story but I really need your opinion on the issue.I will cut it short.So I met this guy online.we eventually got each others numbers and started texting. The first time I text him I didn't really know about your article and the rule.So I would double text him when he didn't respond quick enough and I was being way to eager and nice.so we were suppose to meet up one Saturday but on that Saturday he stopped texting me.I didn't text him back because i didn't know if he was still interested.so I was still debating on wether it was right to text him or not.It was now monday and I still havnt heard from the guy.so i was pretty much sure he was over me.I decided to look online on how to text and treat a man.And thats when boom! I stumbled upon your article and it blew my mind.I read every part of it lol even the comments and stories.Just to get a clue on how to handle myself when put in situations like this.And all of the stories are extremly similar to mine.:) so this made me wait it out.Because I knew what he was doing.He was leaving to see what kind of chick I was.If I was going to text him and be on his back.And eventually I got a text back!I was so surprised! you were so right.so I did not answer him immediately. I was going to wait two days to answer his text message but fear made me answer him quicker .Its all because I told this girl about your article and she totally disagreed with it.She said if I continued to wait I was going to lose him.So that made me answer his text the next day at 1:45PM lol ( it still wasn't immediately but I think I should of waited it out some more).so here is how it went.
Him: Hey Hawty!
Him(immediatly after)Wats up!
Me: Im at an art show what about you?
Him:studying for a test I have at 1:30...
Me: that sounds interesting lol
him no its not I cant wait to be done with this class!
Me:Im sure I would be bored as hell.
Then boom! I never hear from him again.Was I acting to snobby?Does he think I'm uninterested or just dull?I really dont know what to think right now.And I have one more thing I have to say.I told this girl about him in my class.Were always talking about the guys we are interested in.I dont know if I can trust her.today she told me she was going to his college for a concert.ALL OF A SUDDEN.What if she messes it up for me and is one of those girls who seeks attention.What if she sees him.but lol that's my fault I should really pay attention on who I tell my business too.): I hope she doesn't do anything to ruin this for me..he seems like such a sweetheart.But it would really be awesome if you can help me with this because i really would wish to it less have a date with the guy or know where i stand lol. please thank you!!:D

Fed up Aquarius said...


Sorry in advance for the long post and horrendous grammar I'm writing this very quickly!... My best friend (Sagittarius) and I (Aquarius) have known each other for 5 years and everything was good. Recently (last 5 months) we got super close and began acting like we were in a relationship you know speaking everyday, random texts, nicknames etc. He has always said that he liked me and I thought nothing of it until i started developing feelings for him... I started staying round his place over night and we wouldn't do anything just spoon! Then one night we made out (just kissing). A week after I realised things started going downwards he started texting less and calling less and he NEVER called me during the day only the evening and I felt like crap because he's my best friend and it was like he was slipping away... We ended up having an argument after I told him how I felt. well mainly because I said "You're just like every other guy"... we made up but things still weren't the same so I told him I might not speak to him for a while just to sort out my feelings. This lasted only 2 weeks because I was scared that if I kept to it any longer he would never be there for me anymore. So we started speaking again and things felt even worse... My birthday came and he forgot it and that caused even more tension between us(I was so hurt because I made a big deal about his birthday and got him a gift) so he said he wanted to sort things out so we met up to get something to eat then ended up arguing again so I left the restaurant and went home myself. He ended up driving back to mine to try to sort things out again and surprise surprise we argued again but this one was really bad because our voices were raised and he said things like "if this is how you really are then i definitely don't want to be in a relationship with you" then he commented about my last relationship and said that he used to think my ex had the problem but now he knows its me. He got very personal and it was horrible... Once again we kind of made up but then I realised he would take up to 10 hours to text me back or he just wouldn't at all. He wouldn't call me when he said he would and he started pushing me away and I couldn't understand why because he was the one that had been acting like a tool!still i stuck around being unhappy. We had another talk and he said he wanted us to go back to being best friends like how we were before and he also said that he knew we would end up liking each other again even though he still likes me and i told him hes got a funny way of showing that he likes me so he apologised for everything and said he's going to put more effort into it. It's been three weeks since the last catch up but things haven't got much better the last time I spoke to him was on March the 20th as the days went by i started obsessing over him and wondering what he was up to, if he was thinking about me, if he found someone else then on the 26th i kept writing then deleting messages that I wanted send him but I decided not to. then at 12.35 am (27th) he messaged me on whatsapp saying "hello there" I thought that was lame so I ignored it then I got a missed call message at 10.40pm yesterday and I didnt call him back... this morning I got two missed calls from him which I ignored also.... The week he didn't get in contact with me made me realise all the unacceptable things he has done to me.

Fed up Aquarius said...

I feel like i've started a no contact routine with him but I don't know if this is the right thing to do? I still like him but I'm not happy the way things are going.

Also I doubt he knows why I am ignoring him because the last time we spoke things were ok.. well that's what he is going to think.

I feel like I am doing a disappearing woman LOL

He's hurt me so much but I can't write EVERYTHING down as I super busy but your advice would be very helpful.

Deep down I know he cares about me but he's not treating me the right way and I don't deserve it.. He's even said himself that he knows he hasn't treated me the way he should.

Should I continue ignoring him or should I respond the next time he makes contact?

Please help x

Thank you, Fed Up Aquarius

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mar 27, 2013 11:48 PM,
"is he just looking to build something slowly over time?"

You're not going to want to hear this, but what he's doing is casually dating - and that means he's dating other women in addition to you. And you should be doing the same exact thing. The only time you cease doing so is when the man expresses a desire for more, for exclusivity or a commitment.

If that doesn't happen, it's not a relationship, it's casual dating.

"Why would he wait so long to ask me out between dates?"

Because he's also dating others.

"is he playing me?"

No, he's simply casually dating - so don't sleep with him because he's dating others as well.

"Should I keep dating other guys?"

As I stated above, the only time a woman should cease casually dating others herself is when a man expresses a desire for exclusivity or commitment. If he hasn't done that, you're not in a relationship and you're free to do as you please.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 28, 2013 4:04 PM,
"Its all because I told this girl about your article and she totally disagreed with it."

LOL, I see this all the time. Your friend means well, but she fails to understand men. She thinks that because that's what would work for her (a woman), that because that's what SHE would want, she assumes MEN want the same.

Wrong. Men and women are two entirely different creatures. Projecting your wants and desires onto a man - ONLY SCARES THEM AWAY FROM YOU.

You might want to ask her how many times that's actually worked for her too (letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel and chasing men down as a result). I imagine the answer will be close to - NEVER, LOL ;-)

"She said if I continued to wait I was going to lose him."

So what if you did? Do you want to be with a man that WANTS TO BE WITH YOU - or do you want to be with a man that you have to chase down to get him to pay attention to you?

Women give away all their power when they behave like that and men label them as desperate, insecure, fearful and as a result, they loose their attraction for them.

Do you want a man to think you're desperate? Fearful? Insecure? Weak?

If not, don't listen to her, LOL ;-)

"Was I acting to snobby?"

No. . .but you failed his "test" there dear :-(

He was testing you to see how eager you'd be. How controllable you are and how much you're "into" him. When you responded too quickly, he knew he had you and therefore, he can place you off to the side for a while because - you'll still be right there the minute he returns.

That's why you shouldn't listen to your girlfriend, LOL. She doesn't understand men and she doesn't understand what they're doing when they do stuff like that - they're testing women (to see if you're needy, clingy, desperate, etc.)


Men are CONSTANTLY testing women honey, especially in the very early stages of dating. Behaving too eager or fearful and insecure will only send them away from you.

Behaving mysteriously and scarce will draw them towards you ;-)

"Does he think I'm uninterested or just dull?"

No, he knows he has you right where he wants you and as a result, he doesn't have to put much effort into staying in touch with you. He now knows that when he wants you, all he has to do is contact you, wait a day and then BOOM - you're back.

Read this, written by a man - and let your girlfriend read it too, LOL:


Anonymous said...

thank you!Your right next time I will go with that instead of collapse into fear and text.Next time if there is one with him I will wait.
-and ahahaha I know I say LOL a lot i'm srry its a habit.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I really like the advice you give and am hoping you can help me as well. My case is a little different from the rest. Me and my neighbor had a crush on eachother. (Btw I'm in high school now). He added me on Facebook and our love blossomed. Lol. We never met. Weird, I know! I asked him for his number and we began texting a lot. Two days after I received his number, I told him I liked him more than a friend and he said he liked me the same way. That was three years ago. We still haven't met. His dad told my mom he was shy, but his friends say different. I dunno what to think. We began consently arguing like everyday. He ignored me for a year (he also said he didn't like me anymore and out of anger said he never liked me) Now that you know our history, I can ask you my question. Sorry this is so long btw. Also, I forgot to add that we're texting again. He hardly texts me anymore and told me two days ago that he likes someone else and that I need to move on. I've tried, he's my first love and I can't let go of him. I'm not a clingy person, except when it comes to him. If he ignores me, I keep texting him until he responds. It pisses me off when he ignores me. We have so much bad history, I don't know I'd this can be fixed. Right now, he's ignored me all day. What do I do? I get so needy for him, Idont know why! It's embarrassing and compulsive behavior! Please give me advice.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I have known a guy I like for almost 3 years now... and things were going great, we used to talk on the phone for almost 8-10 hours in a day! But then every time he would disappear and come back after few months and say hello again and then things would be great again but then he would disappear again... and the whole cycle repeats.

Then we had a huge argument over something silly and he called me names, so then I cut contact with him for almost 10 months. But during that time I could not get over him, in fact I missed him more. So after 10 months I contacted him again and straight away he replied. Then we talked for about an hour as if we never cut contact. But then when the next day I text him he ignored me (the text said read and he knew I would see he read my text). Then I text again and he ignored. Then I text asking why he ignored and he said he is busy with work...which I don't really believe u can be that busy not to reply specially after we just started talking again..

..anyway, that night when he replied saying he is busy we spoke on the phone and after 15 minutes he said he needed to go as he is busy and needed to do workout...I was shocked as I only just rang (and this never happened before, he would never cut me)... then that night he text me saying he finished his work out and that he wants to speak to me.. I then rang him (although I knew I shouldnt because he was asking ME to ring HIM!!)...

...on the phone he said how much he missed me and spoke as if he is in love with me, yet I felt it was fake but wished it to be true so I chose to believe it....

...after that phone call, the next day I text him and he ignored me, he didnt even reply not even after three days...so after three days I rang, I wanted to ask why...but he cancelled my calls ... I felt heartbroken...

..And now I have come across this article, and I want to ask you (the writer)...is it too late for me to fix this situation? what should I do?
I also have a strong gut feeling that he might be with someone else... Im just really confused and not sure ...

Please answer to my comment as I truly need ur advice...thank u!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Fed up Aquarius,
"My birthday came and he forgot it"

He's not your friend dear. Friends don't do that.

"I feel like i've started a no contact routine with him but I don't know if this is the right thing to do?"

It's most certainly the right thing to do. They only way you're going to know if this man genuinely interested in you or not is to see how much effort he puts into pursuing you (repeatedly) and if he misses you to the point where he realizes what an ignorant man he's been to you.

"Also I doubt he knows why I am ignoring him because the last time we spoke things were ok.. well that's what he is going to think."

Did you read this piece here:


The point of no contact is to make a man THINK. To make him THINK about what he did wrong, and to let him reach that conclusion, ALL ON HIS OWN.

"He's even said himself that he knows he hasn't treated me the way he should."

And I imagine he's disappointed that you're letting him get away with it dear. Men EXPECT to be put in their place when they behave badly (i.e. no contact). They admire that and respect it as a sign of strength. When a woman permits a man to treat her badly and doesn't make a man suffer the consequences he KNOWS he deserves, he becomes less attracted to her and views her as weak and insecure :-(


"Should I continue ignoring him or should I respond the next time he makes contact?"

He needs 30 days of no contact, no response. Force him to take the time away from you to realize the mistakes he's made and to realize that he actually DOES care for you and misses you when you aren't in his life.

(P.S. There's a man named "Brando" over in the very recent comments on the "no contact" post that's just gone through a period of no contact and he's asking advice for how to win her back. Men need the time, long periods of it, to realize they actually do care.)

So give him plenty of time and space and FORCE him to take it via no contact ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 29, 2013 3:48 AM,
"If he ignores me, I keep texting him until he responds."

NEVER do that dear, EVER. Unless you want him to think you're crazy, unstable and emotionally off balance.

"What do I do?"

You gracefully accept the reality of the situation dear. Don't make a fool out of yourself over and man and don't project the impression that you're needy and insecure.

Men run from that, they are not drawn to it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 29, 7:45 PM,
"and the whole cycle repeats."

That's because he doesn't have to suffer any consequences for his actions. He knows he can disappear and then come right back - because you let him:


"Then I text asking why he ignored"

Honey don't do that, it looks really bad. It tells a man that you're needy and insecure :-( It's a big turnoff to them. You don't need to ask a man why he's ignoring you. The fact that he ignored you is enough to tell you he's not interested. So don't make a fool of yourself over a man dear :-(

"I knew I shouldnt because he was asking ME to ring HIM!!"

He's testing you to see how controllable you are and how much he can manipulate you, and you're falling right for it dear :-(

"the next day I text him and he ignored me"

Honey, when you chase a man, it looks desperate and weak to them and they label you as insecure. Please cease chasing him.

"so after three days I rang, I wanted to ask why"

Again, cease chasing him, it's making you look very bad to him. You don't need to know why - unless of course you want to hear him actually TELL you that he's not interested. Which would hurt worse, so he simply avoids you. When a man avoids you, you don't need to ask why. You just accept the reality.

"what should I do?"

Nothing. There is nothing a woman can do to MAKE a man love her or want to be in a relationship with her. He either does or he doesn't. And the only way a woman knows if a man is genuinely interested in her - is if he pursues her.

If he doesn't, you accept that and you move on.

Peter said...

@Anonymous Mar 23, 1:14 PM

Just to give you a male view and back up what MOA said. Moa is completely right.

I've been on the end of this before and I guarentee texting him until he replies is the fast way to make him run away. You will only pressure him.

When I was on the end of it my dominating thought was...."why can she not just leave me alone?". When I saw her name on a text I thought "Oh no its her again". At no point did I wish anything negative on her, against her or respond with bad temper. However it did make me connect only negative feeling to her because its a "Pressure" from her always being there. As a man in that situation you can't miss her, have time to think or consider what you feel becauae she always there pushing on you.

NC is the best way if you need to get a man thinking.

Anonymous said...

Hey Aphrodite,
I really appreciate all the work and time you put into your website trying to help other women in confusion.
I've been in a long distance relationship for the last 5 months. We knew each other from a popular social site where he replied to one of my comments and we started debating on a certain subject. Afterwards, he sent me a personal message wanting to discuss more and wanting to know more about me. One month later, he asked for my email and we began chatting on msn.
We went along very well, we had same interests, same taste in music, same dry sense of humor, and same values in general. Even when we disagreed on some issue, we always managed to respect each other differences and we felt that we completed each other. That first day when we talked on msn I informed him that next day i'm going to a driving lesson. The next day he left me numerous offline messages saying' hey where have you been' ' i'm getting really worried about you'
When I logged later on that day he told me to that to leave each other offline message to inform each other how our day is going if we won't be online. I agreed and we both did that for the next months.
I forgot to mention that he's currently living and working in my hometown and I'm recently graduated so I left to find a job in the country i'm currently residing in.
Back when we were sending message on that site, he used to inform me that he's on medication where he suffers from an autoimmune disease affecting his lower back and pelvis. He's a freelance electrical engineer so most of his work is done in his own house. He also informed me about the medication he's on since I'm a pharmacist.
Because of his disease, he would disappear for 2 days or so and when I check him he used to say ' sorry I was really tired'
And when I would be busy for a couple of days, he always checked on me - either through offline messages or sending texts.
He always used to tell me how that we're apart is bothering me, that he wants me to be near so we can get to see each other in person. He shared a lot about his vision on our future together and used to tell me everything about his family.

2 months ago, all the mess started. He logged in after 6 days of disappearing, I told him I missed him, he said " sorry, lately I've been really really sick' we chatted and through our conversation I was teasing him a little bit, he got mad, I said I'm really sorry I didn't mean it , he told me I'm not mad, I just need to go, I'll check on you later. He didn't. A couple of days later, I left him offline message checking on him and he didn't reply. I was starting to get worried since he's sick so 2 weeks later I was going through emotional roller-coaster that I literally poured my heart out in the texts I sent him; Later I realized that it was a huge mistake.
One month after the incident, he finally replied to one of my pleading messages saying:
" I'm emotionally and physically tired, and even though you're a great person, you do nothing but evoking my wrath and irritating me- almost about everything. Maybe there's nothing wrong with you and I'm the one who's in distress to the point that I'm provoking quarrels, and maybe I don't know how to deal with you. Or maybe you're a complicated person..I just don't know.
Anyway, I need some time to relax recommended by my physician - where there're no movement or emotions. And maybe it's a good opportunity for both of us to think, contemplate and reconsider things. I hope you're feeling the best, from the bottom of my heart.'

Anonymous said...

(Cont. )At that time, I found a job and signed the contract and I messed up again to tell him something like that. ' I'm really sorry for you feeling like that, I hope you get well soon. Maybe if you told me what's bothering you I would make it easier for you. I got a job and I'll start in one month and I'm worried that we wouldn't talk as much as we did back then, you have no idea how this is bothering me. I'll try to take care of my actions from now on'
A few weeks later I realized that informing him about the job was a mistake. Don't you think that because of him knowing that I had a job he would think that the relationship will take a lot of effort because it will maintain a long distance for an unknown amount of time? I said that to myself and I panicked again so I send him a text 2 weeks later 'Hoping you're fine' he didn't reply.. One month later i sent him a personal message telling him
' We need to talk. I think the no communication is making the relationship more stressful and procrastination in discussing things complicates the situation more and makes things seem much worse than they really are. I know and appreciate that you're tired and that's the last thing you can think of doing right now but trust me this will make things so much easier for you. I think this is the only way, please reconsider it.'

4 days later I sent him a a text saying'please check your inbox, seriously'.Still no reply. I left the job and I'm going back to my hometown to settle down. And I really need to tell him that but I have no idea how. I came across your site by coincidence and I wish I discovered it early before I messed up that much. I read your section on disappearing and the no contact rule but I guess such an info like that would make him see things more clearly that our long distance relationship will happen to end. I'm obsessed with the thought that maybe because he knew I got a job he cut off all the chances of talking to me again and it's really frustrating. What do you think I should do right now? Should I tell him that I left the job?Or that i'm coming back to where he is?
Sorry for my bad English, but I'm a non-native speaker.

Please reply, it would mean the world to me if you did. I'm very thankful if you read all of my nonsense, really.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror

There has been this guy that has been absolutely crazy for me in the past 4 years. however during that time i liked someone else. we have been wattsapping. he always used to start the conversation but now i feel like i start it abit more. Sometimes he carries the conversation but others he just answers. He has told me he loved me before, but i didnt say it back. Now im just confused to wear i stand with him. We had a good conversation on wednesday and on friday i wattsapped him saying "hi to you too!" and he hasnt responded. What does this mean? Can you please help me?
Thanks Sarah

Anonymous said...

Hello I think i made a mistake and is why i found this site
so me and this guy met on a dating app and we became facebook friends i messaged him first and did so everytime we had a conversation he always sounds very interested in the conversations tho cuz he would reply with smily faces and exclamation marks and sounds interested and asks questions but sometimes he logs off out of the blue without saying goodbye or he stays logged on but it said my message was unread for a while so i would log off but in the morning it showed message read with no reply i feel as if ive come off as very needy and would like to fix it any advice

Countrygirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...


These are interesting tips but not all men are like that. There are those who'd like a woman to initiate especially after he's done so like 4 times in a row. I've read comments from men elsewhere, one guy said if a woman didn't initiate after he's done so many times, then he'd drop her. I don't think you should always stick with these "rules", rather, go at the guy's pace, try to feel him out and text (moderately)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"There are those who'd like a woman to initiate especially after he's done so like 4 times in a row."

Yep, and those are men that aren't genuinely interested dear - they'll leave and disappear as quickly as they arrived.

"I've read comments from men elsewhere, one guy said if a woman didn't initiate after he's done so many times, then he'd drop her."

See what I mean, LOL?

A man that walks away from a woman over something as trivial as that is an insecure guy that is unwilling to prove himself as a man to the woman. He's unwilling to "man up" and prove that he's a genuinely interested man.

If he'll walk away in a flash over something as minor as who calls who. . .he's not a genuinely interested man dear. Because a genuinely interested man will move heaven and earth to win the woman of his dreams.

"I don't think you should always stick with these "rules", rather, go at the guy's pace, try to feel him out and text"

Yea? And how's that working for you? Obviously it's not working well - or you wouldn't be here reading about when to text men.

Consider this, written by a man:


"rather, go at the guy's pace"

So you just give complete and total control of yourself over to the man? No thanks. That's not an independent woman, that's a weak, submissive one.

"try to feel him out"

The way you feel a man out dear - is to see if HE PURSUES YOU.

Anonymous said...

I agree with what Mirror is saying. I´ve tried both ways not because I was pushy and dependent, but mainly because I was "nice" and wanted to "play fair". The guys seemingly appreciated it but it was harder and harder to maintain their interest. I´v e learned my lesson that very often if the guy says he likes or dislikes something you do and you change your behaviour to please him, he loses interest.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE that I found your site. I have been on 3 dates in the past week and a half with a man I recently met. We seem to get along great and he has already told me he respects me, likes me a lot, thinks we have a lot in common, thinks I'm a good mom, yadda, yadda, yadda. And, I feel like he's being sincere. I've dated enough frogs that I think I have a pretty good BS detector. I do not in ANY way want to seem clingy and want him to take the role of pursuer. I also don't want an instant relationship - but to just let it naturally progress (or not, if it's not meant to - as much as I hate the waiting game...) Soooo... Two questions: 1) we were supposed to get together today (just him stopping by for a little bit - nothing major) but I had to cancel on him as I had a crazy day come up. I did text and let him know that it'd need to be another day and he text back that it was fine. Now, this evening - is it okay to text him and say hi/how was your day and then let him take it from there? (I guess I just feel that since I had to cancel on him maybe it'd be polite to reach out and ask about his day??) and 2) this is a pet peeve for me - people being late! Ugh! And, as much as when we are together he is polite, respectful, etc - if he says he is going to call in an hour, it turns out to be 2 or 3 hours; our last date was supposed to be at 5, he showed up at almost 6:30 (he did call and say he's going to be late); mainly it's the calling - I personally find it rude/inconsiderate to text that you're going to call in an hour and then call 3 hours later (which I don't see until the next morning because I already went to bed...). The question? Do I address it (not sure how to bring it up since we are so new to dating each other) - or, basically get on with my day/night if he is rude and not on time? When he was to be here at 5 and didn't show up until 6:30 I was 2 seconds away from saying "Oh, since you were so late I ended up going to meet up with some girlfriends for the evening. Hope we can get together another time" (and I wasn't going to be lying - I really wanted to because I was getting irritated and didn't have my son for the night and would've liked to spend some time with friends if he was going to be soooo late; regardless that he called to say he had lost track of time and was going to be late).
I do like a lot of things about him and it's too early in the dating to get a strong read on where this is going. I do want to give him a chance - but I also don't want to play the patsy (I've done that before). I don't want to lecture on the lateness - but, I also don't want to put up with it. I think if I let it be disrespectful from the start - it sets it up to always be that way... Advice?? Thank you!!!!

Anonymous said...


Hello :) Thanks for your response on 30 March, 2013 at 5:25 PM

I've been in no contact for 12 days now and I've received 5 missed calls from the guy...I don't think he will chase me any more than that to be honest. What I am really waiting for is for him to show a genuine interest by texting something like "Hi, I hope you're ok I've been trying to get in contact with you, can we talk?" and until I get that I don't think it's hitting home and I doubt he's actually missing me.
I really do like him and I still want to be friends with him if anything as we were friends before... He hasn't treated me well in past and I know he deserves no contact but I feel like ignoring him is making me think about HIM even more now. Is this my insecurities telling me that's the last I'm going to here from him? On whatsapp he can see if I'm online and stuff and also when I change my display pic. I'm not at all tempted to speak to him but I'm wondering if I should block him? Or allow him to know when I'm online etc?

Thank you!
Fed up Aquarius

Anonymous said...


I really wish I found this article SOONER rather than later, here's my situation if you have a minute:
_Known guy for years and have been "friends" hes always in another city because of work so I hadn't seenhim in a while.
_Guy offers to fly me out to his hometown for a weekend away
_we talk almost everyday (all-day) phone calls and texts. We get along great.
_I fly across the country to see him and things go great in my mind.
_Brings me to his family's house for hours (meet his parents and other family members)
_Go wine tasting with the parents on another occasion. We get along great.
_I do sleep with him on this trip.
_he tells me how much his sibilings and parents love me.
_During the trip he tells me that he feels really comfortable with me and likes it.

After I come home...

_very little contact (like almost nothing and only text messages)
_ I get upset and ask him whats going on via text
_This past weekend (about a week after getting back) he says that he was busy with work but also felt a little uncomfortable that i met his family (ummm? he brought me over there TWICE for hours at a time)
_This was his excuse for being standoffish but said he LOVED being with me and wanted to see me again.
_ He also restated how much his family loved me (maybe giving him pressure to be with me?)

This past monday I texted him telling him that I really enjoyed our time together, but I didn't see this going further. (basically I can't take his rollercoaster) and that I didn't think I had the same reservations about this situation as he did.

Two days later...no response at all. Do you think I should just write him off? We were good friends for a while and I just am very upset that it would end this way. I mean he admitted we got along perfectly. The only negative is that he did say that I had mentioned we were really comfortable with each other which made him a little nervous...but he still liked it at the same time.

Should I expect to ever hear from him again? It makes me sad that he's going through these up and down emotions after everything seemed to go so well while I was visiting him.

Anonymous said...


Just wondering if no contact works on Sagittarius men? Isn't that what they want?

I'm confused.

Thank you

Anonymous said...

I have a question. I'm an attractive single woman in my early thirties. I've had a platonic friend "Chris" for several years. We've always been paired up with others. But when we're single, spend hours on the phone together (living in separate cities by that point.) This recently started again. He'd initiate the phone calls, and we'd talk for hours and hours, and he'd linger when it was time to hang up. Well, I developed feelings for him, and told him via email (something we were regularly doing back and forth already). He reciprocated. Now, he continues to initiate calls, but he's way quieter, more reserved. The friendship is not as fun as it used to be! Meanwhile, I send him lively emails (no emotional stuff, no tedious "how was your day" stuff either...) ...I'm just not sure what's up. I want to take things slow and easy, and I did tell him that from the start. (I'm cautious at this interval of moving a friendship to something more.) Is he just taking it easy like I asked him to? Or is he just not that into me? Is he just curious, nothing more? Anyway, how do I follow your dating advise in a case like this? As friends, we've got a casual and comfortable rapport already (someone I wouldn't hesitate to email stupid stuff to, because it was only me!) But now that it's something more, what's the proper procedure? Without losing the friendship stuff altogether! We're a few hours apart, which I like because we can't rush into the physical stuff (I don't trust myself not to.) How distant should I be with him? No more emails, right?

Unknown said...

Hi...I love your site...finally I feel I found answers to questions I was looking for..Thank You. My dilemma is that I met this guy online months ago...and we loved everything about each other...in few days we were talking on the phone and really getting to know each other. I know this is crazy but it felt so much like love. The big problem was we both are in different countries. But so it happened I was on holidays hence I visited his country. I know it was a risk but he took care of me so well. Love and romance everywhere. We were physical too. Later when I returned...after few weeks...things changed. I know long distances are very hard but we spoke it over and he agreed that this is what he wanted and he will make it work. On the contrary he became rather distant. He started ignoring me, my calls facebook messages everything. At times he would answer my calls but they were short and brief conversations. I asked him what was wrong and if he wanted to end things. He was not clear. Now it has been 2 months since I heard from him properly. At times he will like my photos on facebook and at times he will block me. I am so tired of these games. Currently we both are in no contact. I am so heartbroken. I really love him but I felt maybe I came too strong. Is there any way that this relationship might work? Or in anyway he might contact me back again? Currently he blocked me online :( Please Help.

Anonymous said...

Everything was going great with this guy. He kept in touch every day, telling me I’m worth it, telling me to be safe or careful if I’m going out without him. Talked about meeting his friends and family. The weekend before valentine he wanted to meet up but I was busy. I did however message him a little too much that weekend I think by asking how he was doing and what he was up to and then he stopped responding so I didn’t contact him either. I have never done that before with him, I always let him initiate everything. So then he was silent all of that week, not even a message on Valentine’s Day. Then a week after he messaged me early one morning to ask how I’m doing and that he’s been really busy with work. I know he has been working long hours and even on weekends for the past few months that’s why we haven’t been able to meet up and then when he was free I was busy. So after that there was silence again for another two weeks. When he messaged me again I didn’t respond for two days and then no response from him until a week after and then when I didn’t respond the same day he called the next day. So we chatted for a bit keeping it casual and friendly and he happened to mention that he sends me messages and I don’t respond but I did just not right away. Now it’s been almost three weeks and nothing…..why is he doing this?

Thanks in advance! :)

Anonymous said...

I need advice. I had a guy friend who I would message every day, one or more messages a day. I think it made him angry, but I'm not sure as it was all in text, and then he started acting distant. He talks to me sometimes but it doesn't seem the same. And when he does talk to me it's not in private. He never sends me messages anymore and I was the always the one to start the messages. At the beginning he wanted to talk to me. I don't know how to talk to him anymore. I only talk to him here and there now but he still doesn't seem quite the same. Also, this was an online friendship. I don't even know if we are still friends anymore. What should I do? How should I talk to him or should I talk to him anymore at all?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 2, 10:07 PM,
No more emails dear. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not is if he pursues her.

If he doesn't and things die down, let them die honey. Do not fight for something that the other party expresses no desire for.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Arvin K,
"He started ignoring me, my calls facebook messages everything. At times he would answer my calls but they were short and brief conversations."

Sweetie, why are you chasing him? Why are you the one initiating contact? That drives a man away dear. Men like the thrill of the chase and when the woman is the one chasing, it removes all of the fun out of dating her for the man.

"Now it has been 2 months since I heard from him properly."

Cease contacting him, it's only chasing him away and after 2 months of not hearing from him - you should be moving on dear.

"Is there any way that this relationship might work?"

Why do you want a relationship with a man that's treating you like this? With a man that's blocking you from contacting him?

You need to continue no contact, not to win him back, but so that you can detach from him in a healthy manner dear. Move on as best you can, don't worry about him and focus on yourself. Chasing a man that it not interested will only bring more pain upon yourself dear. Accept the reality and place it in the past.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Mirror :)...(my baby kitty's name is actuallly Aphrodite by the way!)
i sent this a few days ago but don't see that it arrived.

i apologize in advance for the long explanation.

i've been dating a man who was betrayed by his wife of 10 years and has a 6 year old son who he shares custody with.

i've always been the one to open up more personal conversations between us and he's always liked it, followed, and expressed appreciation for that.

i was also the one to initiate conversations about whether we wanted to still see other people, be active online with our profiles (how we met), etc. after we kissed a couple of weeks ago after a month of dating. he was still active and so was i but less often, and he said he was interested only in getting to know me. he explained he wasn't looking online, most of the time his 'active' status was because of the app on his phone being open.

since then we've gone on to snuggle, be sensual, but nothing more. he has spent the evening once doing just that & sleeping.

he has rarely respected my explicit expression of preference to make plans at least a bit in advance, explaining he does that for work to an extreme degree & likes spontaneity. i've agreed to last-minute plans as a supplement to advanced planning, as i'm happy with both, but not just with one (or frankly without the other).

he's expressed from date 1 ideas of fidelity matching mine, but at the same time mentioned female friends, online women, all propositioning him for either sex or relationships that he's turned down. however, recently he admitted that he had exchanged unflattering emails with some of these women even though originally he'd said he hadn't replied to these 'base' offers...he continues to mention that women approach him every day to go out with him, but that he's not interested and only wants to go out with me.

(this in response to my continued inquiries since i discovered he lied about being online one day when he had been- i was asking to check honesty, not so much caring about his activity level as much, and told him so afterward).

i had to really really work and insist to get him to align his story of "not" having been online that day with the fact that he'd visited a profile of someone i know well. he never outright admitted it, but he added some qualifiers and new facts to his previous story to admit it indirectly.

i still felt strange and not trusting. we were at this point at the end of a long day for him and late evening and about to get in bed (the second time in two weeks) to cuddle and have him spend the night when i realized we still hadn't firmed up plans for the weekend and were on the eve of wednesday. so i said, oh by the way- which day are we going to get together? explaining i had friends asking about my availability, and that i'd like to plan.

he avoided, repeating his preference for day-before plans, i repeated my preferences and emphasized this was not a work day, but a holiday weekend- he complained he'd have to get out his calendar and he was tired, could we do it in the morning? i repeated i was excited to see him, we'd just spent the evening talking about being a couple and what we were looking for possibly in our futures (the other part of the conversation we'd just had) and what we were open to with each other, and it seemed strange to me that he wasn't spontaneously just as excited and wanting to reserve my time. he then said he was going to his parents for sunday...and...on saturday he knew he needed to grocery shop. with that last statement, which he delivered with a strange slow delivery followed by a smile, i pulled away. i repeated that it didn't make sense- he makes plans for his music/band, his work, his son, but for someone who he's considering as a 'companion', no? it doesn't make sense.

Anonymous said...

i said- please- if you're taking me for a ride, or in any way not being sincere, please tell me now- i'm not just any woman, those you can find out there by the thousands, i'm special. (to say- please don't use me)

he paused, and said, i think i'm going home now.

i answered- okay, so you're saying you're not the right person for me.

he said- no it's that this is more of the same thing as before(with me questioning his trustworthiness and motives with me) and i'm tired and said we could do this in the morning,..etc..

unfortunately i made the mistake of backing up and trying to take him up on his offer to set up plans in the morning. at that he insisted he'd decided already to go, and then he went ahead and opened his calendar and lo and behold there was saturday wide open, to which he turned to the previous week and pointed to a day where he'd made plans with me long in advance (which i in fact had canceled as they involved his son and not feeling sure about where he was coming from with me i wanted more time before playing 'family' together, which we'd already done when he introduced me a couple weeks ago the last time he had custody)

i apologized to him and asked him to stay. although he kissed me several times before/as he left and said we'd talk about it another time, he left, saying he had too much on his plate with everything (work was an 8 hour drive that day and his ex is being very uncooperative and aggressive...to be fair he knew the conversation between us was coming that evening, as i'd mentioned needing to finish what we'd talked about (when he originally had lied/omitted?) several days before)

he skipped a day of texting for the first time in 2 months. the next day texted just about how his computer, etc. was stolen out of his car and he was devestated. i only replied with a link to some music. then yesterday, he send a two-word text (in italian) asking if i was working that day. i didn't reply.

i realized after the first part of our conversation that night that i don't think i would ever be able to trust this man. he sends up too many red flags around betrayal.

i would really really appreciate your feedback if you have the time. he's saggitarius, i'm acquarius, but not emotionally distant or cold :)!

blessings and thank you,

Dana said...


I really wish I found this article SOONER rather than later, here's my situation if you have a minute:
_Known guy for years and have been "friends" hes always in another city because of work so I hadn't seenhim in a while.
_Guy offers to fly me out to his hometown for a weekend away
_we talk almost everyday (all-day) phone calls and texts. We get along great.
_I fly across the country to see him and things go great in my mind.
_Brings me to his family's house for hours (meet his parents and other family members)
_Go wine tasting with the parents on another occasion. We get along great.
_I do sleep with him on this trip.
_he tells me how much his sibilings and parents love me.
_During the trip he tells me that he feels really comfortable with me and likes it.

After I come home...

_very little contact (like almost nothing and only text messages)
_ I get upset and ask him whats going on via text
_This past weekend (about a week after getting back) he says that he was busy with work but also felt a little uncomfortable that i met his family (ummm? he brought me over there TWICE for hours at a time)
_This was his excuse for being standoffish but said he LOVED being with me and wanted to see me again.
_ He also restated how much his family loved me (maybe giving him pressure to be with me?)

This past monday I texted him telling him that I really enjoyed our time together, but I didn't see this going further. (basically I can't take his rollercoaster) and that I didn't think I had the same reservations about this situation as he did.

Two days later...no response at all. Do you think I should just write him off? We were good friends for a while and I just am very upset that it would end this way. I mean he admitted we got along perfectly. The only negative is that he did say that I had mentioned we were really comfortable with each other which made him a little nervous...but he still liked it at the same time.

Should I expect to ever hear from him again? It makes me sad that he's going through these up and down emotions after everything seemed to go so well while I was visiting him.

UPDATE: It's now going on 4-5 days. HELP?


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 4, 7:38 AM,
"rcently he admitted that he had exchanged unflattering emails with some of these women even though originally he'd said he hadn't replied to these 'base' offers...he continues to mention that women approach him every day to go out with him, but that he's not interested and only wants to go out with me."

He lied, period. In addition to that, it sounds as if he's got nothing going on (men who do hide it, they don't announce it) and that he's attempting to make you jealous so you'll "chase" him.

"he said- no it's that this is more of the same thing as before(with me questioning his trustworthiness and motives with me) and i'm tired and said we could do this in the morning"

He's "avoiding" and he doesn't seem to be concerned with your need for security. He's also failing to realize or hold himself accountable for being the one to make you feel that way.

"i realized after the first part of our conversation that night that i don't think i would ever be able to trust this man. he sends up too many red flags around betrayal."

You answered your own question dear. No, you wouldn't trust him, and rightfully so, he's vague, shady and avoiding of matters. I wouldn't trust him either - nor would I waste another ounce of energy on a man like that.

Move on. He's a lost cause dear :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Do you think I should just write him off?"

I don't understand. Haven't you already done so with this? "I texted him telling him that I really enjoyed our time together, but I didn't see this going further."

"It makes me sad that he's going through these up and down emotions"

Why are you showing him sympathy when he shows you none? Think about yourself, don't worry about him.

"It's now going on 4-5 days. HELP?"

Again, I'm confused dear. You ended it with him. Help with what? You handled the matter and you ended it - it's over. Let it be.

Dana said...


the only reason I texted him that I "didnt see this going any further" was because I didn't want to be the one texting him all the time since I got back and he "needed space". I guess I was expecting some kind of response...even a sorry it didn't work out I hope we can still be friends from him. I got zero response so far.

I did it to take control of the situation. I was really into him when he brought me across country,paying for everything, opening doors, and acting like a gentleman. But when I got back he pulled away. I just cant believe that I was that disposable to him.


Anonymous said...

I'm the "no more emails girl" again from the 2nd... So, if he emails me, I don't write back? What? For how long?
I guess that most of his emails so far have been in response to mine. So I will quit writing the emails! But if he contacts me, what do I do? Pretend to be too busy? What?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You simply slow down and take a breath and answer about 24 hours later. If you jump on the email and answer it immediately, it signals that you're too eager and possibly a tad desperate to a man. That's not the impression that you want to give a man.

The impression that you want to give is that you're confident, you have a life, you're emotionally balanced and stable and that he's going to have to work at this a bit to prove himself to you ;-)

Anonymous said...

It's email gal again. (Sorry, I don't mean to get off topic.) When I initially told him that I was interested in him as more than friends (over email, after weeks of him calling me and talking for hours) I made it clear that I wanted to stay just friends, for now. I meant it at the time. But of course, I want him to pursue me. If he is actually interested in me, will he pursue me as more than friends, even though I said "let's not". I mean, we both know that there are mutual feelings. But when we finally admitted it, I was like a lawyer about it. Everything is back to normal. He still calls, and I'm pulling back on the emails as you've told me to. So now, if I "wait and see" how do I know if I'm seeing a guy that isn't interested, or a guy that's just doing what I urged him to (stay as friends.) (??)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Because a man that is genuinely interested will keep working at it and he will eventually attempt to move things into a romantic territory.

A guy that is only interested in friendship will appear sporadically and he not make any attempts to move things in a romantic direction.

Anonymous said...

Of course. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

So many people would say, "Oh, but he's just trying to be a gentleman, by honoring your request to keep things friendly and simple." or "He's just the reserved type." But is that really the kind of man I want? One that is so sensitive as to not go out and get what he wants!? Of course not! It's so simple. It's foolproof. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

God d.. m.....it
I now realize where I have been going wrong !
We are too nice too soft then get taken for a ride then dropped ...
Met a guy online who told me I was wonderful wanted me as part of his life phoned me 3 times a day texted me 5 times a day I was too available and I slept with him too early I was never part of his plan to meet his kids his parents bla bla bla even tho he said thts what he wanted he said all this to get me into bed a month after we met 2 months he dropeed me that was 3 weeks ago! At first I was calling texting to try and change his mind to rekindle smthg tht was never ever there. He hasnt contacted me and I have stopped all communication with him. I dont know if he will be in touch if he does contact me I will be tell him to go jump in the sea . This guy was staying every other weekend at his country house where he paid all the bills where his X's and 2 kids lived ???
No more ......thts me done this will help me to sift out the real men from the players out there. Its like an emotional battle field ....Thank G I found this site I was so hurt but now feel a lot stronger will be calm and not so available in future ?

Anonymous said...

I've been having a rough few days as well - really nice guy who hangs around when i'm upset, who makes every effort to make sure i'm alright, gives me little encouragements throughout...and texts me everyday no matter how busy he says he is. problem is, we text daily but we never ever meet up face to face. but he's truly caring, and nice. but then he disappears for 3 days (and counting). what should I do?

Anonymous said...

I have a question. Just met a guy. Initiated a text because he asked for information. After that initial text we have bantered back and forth. I have only initiated a few texts and always keep them light hearted and since I tend to be a but sarcastic I like all the one liners you have suggested. My question is he calls me regularly in the evening on his long drive home and we just chat. I have never called him except to return a call. Is it ok if we have a texting conversation and that when be asks questions I answer? They are get to know you type of questions and we do it back and forth. We have conflicting schedules and both have kids. I want to take my time and I am pretty sure he does, but we are both initiating contact, is that ok? That I occasionally initiate a text? I agree the dating world is a minefield. My personality is very friendly and open but I have learned to control it and I can see a difference in where things go. Thanks for the article it helps a lot.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I've addressed the appropriate times to text men in the section of the article titled "When to Text Men."

Anonymous said...

Why do people assume that men fall into the same category, there's different kinds of men out there and of course some of the points make sense but not everything, am dating a guy who is totally different from the way they are saying guys should act, and He treats me like a queen.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Obviously men do not all fall into the same category. Some are mature, some are immature, Some are gentleman and some are players. Some want sex, some want relationships.

But when a woman chases them and hunts them down - most reach the same conclusion about the woman.

DANA said...


It's Dana again. So after 8 days of NC, he decides to text me twice. "whats up sweetie" and " How's your week going?". Absolutely no reference was made to my last text I sent it regarding not pursuing this "situation" anymore.
I am assuming that I should sit back and mirror his behavior? I mean 8 days is a long time to return a text or two. I should wait for him to respond a couple times and be apologetic? Not sure what the next step is here...



Anonymous said...

I was wondering if the same applies to men in their 40s? I truly see what you mean-saw all of that in my 20s! Now @ 30, I have found a wonderful man whom i have been dating for only a couple weeks. I dont want to push him away but being too forthcoming, but do men @ this age think/act the same as the youngers?? I have never met another man like him, so I dont want to loose that. What do u think???

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, this generally applies to men of all ages. Mature gentlemen can process initiation by a woman in more of an adult frame of mind (less of a tendency to make erroneous, immature snap judgments about women) but as a general rule, it's best to proceed with caution.

Men in their 40's can be just as emotionally immature as men in their 20's. It's really emotional maturity (mental maturity) that's the issue, more so than maturity regarding age (physical maturity).

Anonymous said...

GREAT article, and i've been procrastinating work by reading a lot of these, yours is the best! I just got out of a 4 year relationship so going back has been hard. First I slept around. oops. But the last guy I slept with i'd been crushing on for a while, we go to the same bar every weekend. I shouldn't have slept with him right away but did... and it didn't seem to be too bad, he still would walk away from other chicks to talk to me as soon as he sees me, when i'm not there he asks my roommates where I am. We hooked up like 4 times since then, we chill until like 3PM the next day every time, I make him laugh a lot... because obvi i'm hilarious. We've texted, I only initiated twice. BUT last time he asked me to go home with him I told him no bc he hadn't texted me for a week and that I think he got the wrong idea by me sleeping with him right away. Ummmm... I don't know what he said, but it got me to go home with him. The next morning he had to be out early and he let me sleep, texted me telling me I could borrow clothes to walk home in bc it was cold, so I did, and found a thong (not mine) under his sweatshirt. Ouch. I played it cool, didn't borrow clothes but left the thong out so he could wonder if id seen it. Meanwhile responding to his texts very casual like everything was ok. Then he texted me the next day, and the next night soooo success right? nope. He invited me to a bar, I didnt go bc I got out of work late but said id meet him at THE bar we always go to later, he didn't show, he didn't text back. Normally he texts the next day saying something about not texting back, but nothing. Then I made my mistake... I was black out and don't remember what exactly I said to him when I drunkenly saw him outside the bar the next night, but I know he hasnt texted me since.. and I vaguely remember him just saying "ok" in a very confused way to everything I said. I'm sure I brought up the thong like an idiot- and maybe the him not really ever texting me thing.. SO I KNOW that I scared him off, and I can totally just move on to someone else because everyones kind of a rebound right now anyways, but i'm really attracted to him and don't hate myself for sleeping with him because he's actually a gentleman and an interesting guy so I would loooove for him to be my new (eventually) exclusive hookup instead of having to find another hot dude in this prep college town... either way I know i'll see him at the bars this weekend, how should I play it... or did I let the crazy out of the bag too soon and I should just not?

Anonymous said...

Mirror, in one of the other posts, you mentioned how when a guy screws up - you keep acting polite/distant until he notices something is up and ASKS what's wrong.

I decided to test it on this 30yro Virgo guy who didn't return my text (even though HE initiated that time).

I noticed a pattern of him wanting me to do all the work. He started asking me to text him, call him etc after about 6 months of e-mails.

Usually I was coy and got him to initiate. Then about 2 months ago or so, he wanted me to text him since he couldn't find my # (riiight). I dropped my # in his lap, and he ended up initiating.... BUT.... he DIDN'T return my text, which asked a question.

I was miffed. Then 50 days later when I went back on the dating site - he immediately messaged me asking why hadn't I been online, and that he missed talking to me.

I gave him a polite, oh I've been so busy but maybe I'll talk later, bye! (I couldn't wait the standard 3 days, because I wanted to take my profile down right away.)

Then a couple of weeks later (today), he messaged me on gchat... I was the same.. I was friendly, but I didn't say much like I used to. I didn't try to make conversation. And it would take me 10-20 minutes to respond.

I was REALLY hoping he'd catch on.

It didn't appear that he even noticed anything was off.

He then kept asking, "when are you coming to Cali again? when are we going to hang out, seriously?"

I replied, "maybe when you reply people's text messages."

For the longest time I wondered whether he got my text or not, but then he said, "You haven't texted me in ages. Text me now. I'll text back like a mofo."

I knew then and there that he ignored my text.... because he would have said, "What are you talking about? YOU didn't reply ME" if he didn't actually get my text.

I ended up just saying, "Uh...haha. Work's done. Gotta go, later."

But now I'm thinking - he probably STILL has no idea that I've ignored him because he didn't return my text.

It's so ridiculous it's funny. First he ignores my text - and then has the nerve to ask ME to text him AGAIN...and thinks I still want to hang out with him?? LOL, CLUE-F'IN-LESS.

Ok this is a long-winded way of asking.... are some men really this clueless (so the friendly/distant tactic isn't as effective on them), or is he pretending and knows what he did wrong?

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have been reading your posts with interest and only wish I had been reading them earlier!!

I had been dating a guy for about three months. We were having a great time, he pursued me very quickly in the beginning. He is alpha male, very successful, very passionate and is still striving for perfection in his work it seems. He is 40 I am 43. He has not long come out of a three year relationship where his girlfriend finished with him. I am divorced.

To cut a long story short, we dated, I went on holiday, he sent me texts saying he missed me and he really wanted to know that. He wined and dined me and then took me on a skiing holiday. We had a fantastic time and everything seemed to be going well. Very shortly afterwards he went away for 10 days skiing with family. I got insecure and was a bit needy. He had agreed to go on some planned evenings with me when he got back. I asked him if he would like to join me and my family for dinner one night, no pressure at all. I was beginning to sense he was putting a bit of distance between us. I wrongly thought that we were perhaps an item after the skiing holiday.

Anyway, he started to text less and less and I stupidly asked him if he didn't want to see me anymore. He replied that he wasn't ready to commit to a relationship at the moment. He had had an amazing holiday with me and would hate it if I couldn 't join him for a drink or if things were awkward between us. Not to confuse or mislead. He respected and liked me far too much for that.

I replied no problem I had a great holiday too and it would be said if we lost touch. He sent me a text a few days later and said he would be sad too and we should have a chat and go for a drink. I texted him a few days later (stupid I know) and said let's meet up for a chat as I am feeling awkward about things.

He replied straightaway saying yes lets, perhaps saturday. I didn't hear from him for a few days after that so I sent him a text saying I didn't think we needed to have that chat as I have nothing to feel awkward about and for him to take care. (I was very polite). Anyway, that was nearly a week ago and I haven't heard from him. We had a great connection and really felt that he had strong feelings for me. Have I completely blown this? I don't think he used me, I just think he got in way too deep, way too fast. He lives very close to me so I am dreading bumping into him. Not sure what on earth to say to him.

He is a lovely, family guy, a little insecure himself I think for all his bravado.

Right in the beginning I thought he was out of my league. I am not very secure in myself to be honest.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

He's either pretending or he's a player. Players juggle so many women they can't remember what the heck is going on, LOL.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

There's really nothing to say. You've informed him that there's no need to chat and you've wished him well. It was simply a situation that didnt work out.

It's time to move on dear.

Anonymous said...

So, the chance of him being "clueless" is fairly slim, right?

I woke up and got an offline message from him saying, "Text me, maybe?" (it's a little inside joke in reference to the Call Me Maybe song).

*continues smacking forehead*

I don't get why he keeps asking me to initiate, when it has never worked in the entire year he has known me.

Maybe you're right that he's a player, and is losing track of all the women. Definitely not a GOOD player, as I don't plan to "hang out" with him ever after our last convo.

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your reply. Did I make a mistake in saying there was no need to chat? I was too scared to see him in all honesty, I feel so much for him.I was scared to let my feelings show. Is there any point in me contacting him or is it too late now?

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I'm the one who started the message with "GREAT article.." The one who showed her crazy to soon, My name is Sam. You didn't respond but thats ok i'm sure you get a lot of posts to respond to and sometimes it feels good just to get it out. In fact after I was done typing I was like damn.... I look desperate. I wanted to update just in case you did read my post and just in case I can get something out of it again.

So he never texted me that weekend after I confronted him in front of the bars. The next weekend, last weekend, I saw him on Friday night. It was like the same old thing as before. He saw me, walked away from whatever girl he was talking to, and was glued to my hip until the bar closed. He kept trying to kiss me and eventually I let him, but then he asked me to go home with him, I said no. repeatedly, and told him I was going to my friends house for an after party.

AND I DIDNT go home with him this time!! He walked with my friends and I to a party. I was not really paying him any attention, he must have walked away bc when I got there he was gone.

I just decided not to let it bother me, because there are plenty of guys, and I don't need to get attached. My last long relationship broke my heart so I dont want to be that vulnerable again, not until I find someone who really deserves it.

The next night I saw him again, same bar. Saw him flirting with some girl, ignored it. Bar closed, and I poked him and said hey afterwards when he was alone. He kept making sad faces at me, like he felt bad for me, it was so weird, I was feeling fine and acting like it to. He told me he wanted to talk to me and I kept pushing him away being like no its ok, we don't need to, I was just acting crazy last weekend i'm really fine.

He told me he just got out of a four year relationship. He said that she just sort of pulled away from him and that he really loved her. He said that he thinks that im beautiful and that we really click together but he's not ready for anything because he's still hurting. But that he didn't want me to think that bc I found underwear at his house that he just sleeps with girl after girl.

Sooo that all made me feel better, bc I really do believe him. He's a hippy he doesnt seem like the player type. Anyway, I told him I just got out of a long serious relationship too and that just because I get kind of hurt or upset by crushes or guys I kind of like, that he doesnt need to worry about hurting me, bc nothing can hurt me like my ex did (but seriously) He was skeptical so I told him that if I feel like there is even I chance I might get hurt I'll tell him, and not drunkenly outside of the bar next time. and that was that.

I slept over but we didnt have sex.
We hung out the next day until I had to go home and he texted me that day something silly.

And now its 3 days later and he just texted me during the day today asking how my week was and if i'd gotten all my work done.

I also don't want to get to invested so I have two dates this weekend! He's still my first choice at the moment, well my 2nd choice if I could go back in time and change what the ex did, but anyways. Wish me luck! In the mean time, I'm having fun!

KK said...

All I have to say is wow! And thank you! I just stumbled on here and all of this informaton and the posts have helped me so much. I'm embarrassed to say I've 'broken the rules' too and have been the 'chaser' or pursuer, it does not feel right and I know it is not right, yet we still do it. It's sad really that we let our insecurities get in the way of everything and prevent us from truly being happy. Sometimes you need to take a 'self-assessment' and really look at what you are doing/contributing(not to blame yourself or feel guilty, but to get your power back) I totally understand that now. It's like I suddenly woke up and am seeing everything for what it really is and I am still learning as I go, as hard as it is some days (and man there are some really hard days!)I've recognized the problems or issues in my own situation and a lot of the information about the men's side or perspective does make a lot of sense. I know for a fact that 'NO Contact' does work! And it does go both ways, men do it all the time and women need to learn how to do it. I do sometimes feel stuck though between knowing all these things and applying them, especially where I am right now.
I met a guy in Dec through 2 mutual friends, we had all went out one night and he had offered me a ride home(very casual), he didnt ask for my # that night as I know he was very shy and not sure if I liked him(we have spoken about that first meeting many times)He got my # through his friend and texted me 2 days later. We talked for 3 weeks and got to know eachother, then he initiated a 'date', I agreed but it never happened due to time and work and life (he was going through some things and moving at the time as well)I understood that and let him be, he initiated again and we decided a movie night at his place would be fine. Both easy going and laid back people. There was some obvious attracton that had built up over those few wks, he was always cautious and shy, but did make 'subtle' moves or hints towards me. We are both mature adults and so of course we did sleep together. After that it was constant contact and we saw eachother every weekend (he was initiating)He started including me into his daily life and workday, sending me pictures (clean ones!) and started calling me, he would call from work while on a break, after work while driving home, when he got home or before bed, he was opening up more about himself and his life, he was interested in me and would throw out little signs without actually admitting anything (future- little things that showed he wanted me around, hinted at meeting his parents, all his friends knew who i was, etc) He started telling me he missed me, or how good I looked or gave some sort of compliment (called me hun or honey). This continued for about 2 months. Along the way, discussions were had about past relationships, he had recently got out of a 2 yr relationship (taken advantage of financially, was always beat down by his ex). Told me he was seeing a diff girl before me and he had stopped seeing her 3 wks before meeting me and that I was now the lucky one, said he didnt need a lot of girls, just one and that it was me. Said I was good to him and good FOR him. Anytime we talked or an issue came up, he was always a pretty good communicator, if I ever felt hurt or felt bad about something, he would apologize and tell me he didnt mean to hurt me or he felt bad, we seemed to work through things and get back on the right page.

KK said...

Due to our mutual friends and everyone being so connected to eachother, they got involved. I was always being asked what the 'status' of the relationship was from my friend and I didn't even know myself, Valentine's Day came and went, I got a text from him wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day, we still talked, it was like any other day and I did not expect anything more. His friend asked what we did that day and when he found out we did nothing or I did not receive flowers or even a visit, he got mad and gave this guy shit. Again, I did not expect anything like that or ask for anything like that and I expressed that to him verbally. Being asked what the status of the relationship was by my friend obviously got me thinking and made me curious, but I bit my tongue and did not ask or bring it up to him.
At the end of Feb, there was a little 'argument' over me being disappointed about something he said he would do, or plans he made. I tried not to make a big deal out of it, he was stressed at the time and didn't think I really understood where he was coming from. That hurt, because I am a very understanding person, but I also see why he thought that. He told his friend he wanted to 'break things off'- myself and his buddy were confused by this and asked ourselves 'break what off? we're not even really together'. When he saw me shortly after that things were a bit awkward, he seemed distant, no affection like usual - I think he was feeling unsure and insecure, wasn't feeling like a man and maybe needed some space. We did talk that same night afterwards and I had only said 'you seemed a little distant today, is everything ok?' and then 'if I did something, you can tell me' He responsed with 'You never did anything wrong, at all. Im sorry, I wasn't feeling too good either and was trying to hide it I guess, not burden you with it'. He was having a lot of trouble with money too, was trying to fix up the property he purchased, work 12 hr days, and then he had a little accident. I tried to be there for him to talk or help in any way I could, he missed work one day and came to see me for a massage instead. He did the same in return, listened to me, supported me if I needed it, was there for me like I was there for him.
A month later, in March, I started to question and feel like he was not as interested, I was getting mixed signals and something just didn't feel right. I held off and held it all in, but it ate me up so much that I did eventually need to say something. I did not see him in a month, I hadn't been to his place or anywhere with him in 2 months, there was no more affection, anytime he tried to make plans with me, he would bail/flake and he stopped calling to talk. I was feeling disappointed and I was starting to get really insecure, sad, hurt and angry.
I got a message from him one night telling me he was sorry for not talking to me or seeing me, he had a lot on his mind, lots going on and he wasnt in a good mood at all, plus the fact that he was having financial problems and it really bothered him a lot. We didnt talk for 4 days after that, yet my mind was still running with everything(typical right?)My mindset (and I kinda laugh at it now) was 'well, if he's not in a good mood, wouldn't talking to me or seeing me make him feel better?' Or, what about me? what about what I might need right now or what I would like (selfish, I know). Again he initiated contact after those 4 days and asked me 'What's up?' I was having a bad day so I warned him lol, he laughed as well but then told me he was there if I needed to vent or talk. From everything building and all of the frustration I was experiencing, I couldn't hold it in anymore and everything came out all at once, like I had no control.

KK said...

I was asking questions because I felt a change in him and his actions, simple questions too, with a yes or no answer. He did not actually give me a 'yes' or a 'no', he did not admit, or ommit anything. I almost felt like he was tiptoeing. I asked if he was even still interested, if he even missed me (he used to) and if he even liked me still. I had not heard anything nice from him, I had no affirmation and I didn't know where I stood exactly. The insecurities were getting to me. I, like most women, needed to hear those things or be reminded and to be appreciated and wanted.
I did not ask for a relationship, to be his girlfriend, but to him I did - I was pressuring. I do see that now. But it also still hurt me for him to jump to conclusions or make me out to be somebody im not. I myself would not jump into anything right away, I would not force anyone to do the same.. we had agreed at one time that we were fine with where we were and to not rush, we were friends but we 'liked' eachother. He used words like 'seeing' me/eachother and said 'I would date you' or 'we're not dating; yet' Then things like 'I dont have time to date, I have too much going on right now, I'm just going to disappoint you' (that was one of the worst things to hear, sad really. He thinks he's a disappointment, who told him that?! and even if I told him he wouldn't disappoint me, he wouldn't believe me) The stress and pressure and maybe me not letting him feel like a man made him think that. He has always been really sensitive and I've tried to not be cruel or demeaning, never namecall or anything like that. It's the other stuff I was saying or doing that was making him feel this way and it honestly makes me feel bad, I didn't mean or want to do that. To him, I was always mad or pissed off at him for something, he basically accused me of being a bitch, all because I was just being honest with him and communicating how I feel? - That doesn't seem fair. Im sensitive too and take that to heart and it hurt my feelings. But at the same time, after reading about all of this, again, I understand it.
Things went on as normal as they could be, if we went a few days without talking and then started again, it was fine.. I found myself trying to change(not for him either, more so for myself) trying to be happier, more fun, more easy to talk to, just feel better. I saw a difference in him too, he was coming around again, he was asking about my day.. showing interest and doing all the work. I tried to let everything else go and just be in the moment, be myself, appreciate him and what he IS doing, not 'pressure' or push in any way and just live. Live for me, not for him.
Then out of nowhere and randomly, one of our 'friends' had called me to tell me that 'there's somebody else, he's seeing other girls, I had to tell you, blah blah blah' As much as I wish it didn't affect me, it did. I had to talk to him about this and hear it from him, not from anybody else. If we're friends and we've shared a lot together already, what's the harm in just telling me, IF it is true? This was the first time I had called him in a couple months, I knew his schedule and his routine and did call at a reasonable time, he didn't answer (found out later he was having his usual after work nap) I texted after I called with something like 'Can you please call me when you see this, its important' If he didnt return the call, our 'mutual friends' would be calling him (way too involved)

KK said...

He clarified what he did say about and what he didn't say about me, apparently his friend twisted his words and actually said some of those things himself but pinned it on him. We had a decent conversation, he opened up, I got answers from HIM, not anybody else. I listened very carefully to what he said and to me, it made sense. Again, he wasn't ready for commitment, has been hurt, wants to take care of himself/things first, wants to be single cuz he hasn't been in a long time, stuff relating to the ex (how he doesn't want to end up taking care of someone else - financially)He sounded bitter and assumed all women are just money hungry and dependent on a man for his money - I am not one of those types, I am financially independent. So for me, I had to defend myself on that point and try to reassure him 'we're not all out to get you'. He got a little quiet and I kept going and told him 'I understand you're having a hard time right now, and you had a hard time before when it came to your ex, I do get it, please believe that, trust me' I continued with other points and even threw in some reminders or brought up things he used to do or how he used to act, after each point, he was quiet. He told me 'I've told you everything, I mean everything, and its like you dont believe any of it, so yea it kinda hurts' - I apologized for not 'trusting' him, but I also expressed the same to him, 'you need to trust me too' I told him it would take time because of everything that has happened, I want to trust him, I do want to believe what he says. I really dont want to be that person who is always doubting and questioning things. And then the issue of his friend getting involved and telling 'stories' or adding to the problem, I almost gave him an ultimatum 'If you want things to get better, or if you care even just a little, you'll handle it so this doesn't happen anymore, I don't need that extra stress and neither do you' He agreed and did handle it, he was out with this friend one night and said they talked, his friend came to me later and also told me they talked about things, then told me 'I don't really think he's lying, I might have said something about another girl, but I didn't have any actual proof, I'm sorry, he talks about you, he does like you, he's just not ready' That same night, after the 'boys' had their night out, is when I got a text at 5am from him explaining everything, right after he got home and immediately after the fact, he didn't really waste any time.

KK said...

We talked again the next day, he was 'venting' again, telling me or helping me understand - 'He just gets down sometimes and doesn't want to do anything or doesn't want to talk to anyone' Then brought up again how I don't believe him and that 'it's hard to WANT to go hang out or be with you when you think im lying'. He talked to me the next day, telling me he had just got home from work and like updated me on what he was doing, I didn't text back too much and made myself scarce, I did my own thing for a few days, did not contact him. I updated or put something on my FB and he saw it, 'liked' it and within 3 days he was texting me, brought up what he saw on my FB and was asking numerous questions (interested). I had made a comment about myself, like a joke, something funny and lighthearted, like I usually am. He responded to that and was laughing again, it wasn't all serious anymore and heavy feeling. It was nice. Then he mentioned coming to see me on Sunday, I all of a sudden got excited again, I have missed him, I wanted to see him for so long and so bad, but I also didn't want to 'jump' and seem readily available and desperate. He knows I am free on Sundays and so is he, I couldn't really come up with an excuse and I didn't want to either. I felt stuck but if he was making the effort and wanting to, I should agree to that, I should appreciate that. So in short my answer to him was 'Only if you really want to, not forcing you' - I've been disappointed many times by plans falling through so I didn't get my hopes up, but I was HOPEFUL. He texted me Sunday to let me know he got up late, so I had to ask 'does that mean you're still coming, or not' Not to seem anxious, but I could have other plans, and it should be common courtesy to let the person know for sure or not. Then I got another message telling me he would be here soon and again when he got closer.

KK said...

We had not seen eachother in 2 months, I was nervous and anxious on how he would approach me, if I was not only feeling a change, but now if I had to 'see' it. He used to give me a hug and a kiss when he would come in, want to be close, talk, etc. I'm sure he could sense how I was feeling and I was keeping my distance, body language speaks louder than words. I was happy to see him, I was glad that he was here, I couldn't show it though, by no means was I going to 'jump' him. I got a smile/smirk as he walked by me and a pinch/squeeze on my thigh/hip. It was awkward, we sat and talked, he made small talk, asked how certain things were or if I've talked to this person lately.. etc. At the same time, a relative had stopped by (totally unexpected and not planned) I introduced the two, this is my friend, this is so and so. The two men talked for a while, and as they were talking I could feel eyes all over me. He was watching how I reacted to what he said, or if he made a joke, he looked at me to see if I would smile/laugh. Of course I did. It felt a little like when we got together the first time, he found excuses to touch me or flirt. He noticed I got my hair cut and got close enough to smell what kind of perfume I was wearing and remembered it from before. He asked if I had any guys over lately (I have not) but I gave him a playful smile and said 'maybe, you never know' He laughed a little, then got quiet. He knows me and how I am, I'm sure he knows deep down I'm not like that, but it made him think. I was walking away to go get something and I heard him say 'Well the last girl I was with was you, you know' It was like he got a little jealous or something, not sure, or wanted to reassure me and convince me again that I am the only girl. The way he was positioned was like 'this is my territory' sprawled out, comfortable, he always did that. His body was open, and he was facing me. We got a little bit closer and I wasn't sure what to do or what was really going on, did he want sex? There were times he wanted to just be close and cuddle, did he want that? I couldn't read him, and if I got close enough to kiss him or even hug him, he wasn't receptive, it felt cold instead, I felt again like he didn't want me. When he did eventually kiss me it was stronger than before, I didn't use sex or any flirting as a crutch, I just wanted to be close to him, we have always been attracted to eachother, by doing the smallest of things, this time was different but yet still the same, we did sleep together again(I know it was probably a mistake). Afterwards we were sitting and talking, he had asked me if I was happy (with the sex) I have never complained about it to him, why would I start now? I may have not said exactly what he wanted me to or inflated his ego. And because I didn't he took it to heart and thought he wasn't good enough. He's the only one I had wanted and had missed for so long but I was afraid to tell him that, because he might think I'm coming on too strong or 'implying' something else. He was asking if I wanted him to leave (again my body language and me not saying too much made him uneasy) I told him no, not unless you want to and or have to go. He did say he would have to go soon, it was getting late and he still had a few things to do. I guess to him I looked disappointed. I think we both felt some sort of tension still.
We talked for 30 mins as he was standing by the front door trying to make his escape, ready to go. He was telling me how he was just trying to be nice, civil, make me happy and nothing he does is good enough it seems, it frustrates him, then threw in the thing about me getting mad when he leaves because he has shit to do (I dont get mad at him for leaving, I get upset bc of HOW he is leaving, on the terms..) I told him my half of it and how I felt, he said again 'you really dont understand, I wish u would'.

KK said...

I could see him getting worked up and something slipped out of his mouth about a 'relationship', I was shaking my head and let out a sigh and then actuallly put my hands on my head, like trying to pick my own brain and I asked him 'where did that even come from, what made u say that?' and he just said 'this just really frustrates me, I dont know'. I want to think he could see how hurt I was, just by everything lately, I was sitting on the stairs in front of him and he said 'You're sitting there, all upset and I hate it'. He even said 'I knew this would probably happen again' I got the blame. Just made me feel bad bc I dont really want this. He feels like shit, I feel like shit, its not fun. He's sensitive, im sensitive. He said he'd txt me when he got home to let me know he was safe and then said 'or do you even give a f*ck?' - total disrespect, when I actually give more of a f*ck than he thinks. He asked for a hug and I asked him 'why?' He went into.. 'cause cmon, gimme a hug, im trying to be nice here, I didnt come in and have sex with you right away, I hung out, spent some time with you, tried to make you happy, then we had sex and I stayed after that too, I could've just done that and left right away but I didnt'. I couldn't say much so he moved in for the hug and gave me a big kiss on the cheek.
He texted to let me know he got home ok and told me 'I did have a nice time with you'. I waited a little bit to reply and then told him again that I did appreciate him coming over, I said something positive about the sex to try and make him feel good. The only thing that bothered me is what he said to me, he apologized and I said to him 'you basically think the worst of me' He disagreed and said 'no, I dont think the worst of you ok?'. My point to him was about basic respect now, we've been mean to eachother and he thinks/feels one thing about me and I think the exact same, we're in the same boat. This is what makes people hate eachother in the end and I don't want that. He agreed and said OK, like we have a deal or something.

KK said...

Sorry for this being so long! But thats where it stands right now, I have never had conversations like this or been through anything close to this with anybody, if we can talk and get through it and handle lots of other things, what's to be afraid of? you wouldnt totally invest yourself with someone for nothing and talk about everything and deal with 'mature, grown up problems' almost like a couple would!
I am still doing my own thing, and I'm sure he knows that I am here if he needs me (for the right reasons) There has been No Contact since, today will be the 3rd day. I have plans, I am busy and I have a life, I know not to chase. I'm trying to better myself, for myself! I had a friend tell me the other day 'It is about you, not him!' - It made me cry and also feel a little bit stronger. And it's true.
I do care for this man, he has great qualities, we know eachother and have been there for eachother through a lot of things in only a short amount of time. I know who I am and what kind of person I am and I know I'm worth it. I only hope he can really see that.
I've read a lot lately about when the man does come back and initiate contact or whatever else and there are different suggestions or different answers or they just aren't clear enough. So in this particular situation, if he were to contact me, I know the basics of what to do and I know what I have to do. But how long do you ignore someone before there's nothing at all? I know space and time are important, I guess I'm just afraid. (P.S. - Today was the 4th day of NC and he did text me in the evening when he got home from work, with a 'Are you alive?') That seemed arrogant to me, almost like he expected me to jump like before or he's feeling insecure now. I have NOT responded and I dont plan to - Any next steps I should take?

KK said...

How long is usually a good amount of time before RESPONDING to anything if contact occurs? Without maybe making this man feel worse - due to all of the sensitivity and insecurity. Or do I have to repeat that 'mantra' to myself again? lol. Also, when is it ok to initiate contact, if ever on my part? Never ever, or unless it's absolutely ok. Some examples of that would help.
Again, I'm just learning all of this and recognizing it, I hope that if others are reading these comments and posts, they find some strength too and know that this too shall pass! Thank you again for starting this conversation so we can all understand eachother a little better.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"and that I was now the lucky one"

Big red flag dear. Rude, arrogant, egotistical and a sense of entitlement.

"I did not expect anything like that or ask for anything like that and I expressed that to him verbally."

Why would you sell yourself short like this? Why do you feel you did not deserve an acknowledgement of some sort? Even other man was able to see that was wrong. If you don't demand respect for YOURSELF, then who will and how can you expect him to respect you?

"what about what I might need right now or what I would like (selfish, I know)"

That's not selfish. There's is a give and take that should take place in relationships. If it's all about one person, it'll never work.

"He thinks he's a disappointment, who told him that?"

He KNOWS he's a disappointment because he's not treating you properly. YOU should think that as well.

"he basically accused me of being a bitch"

That's emotional manipulation for HIS failures as a man. Don't fall for it. He knows he screwed up here but instead, he's attempting to blame you.

" I had to defend myself on that point and try to reassure him 'we're not all out to get you'."

Why do you feel the need to "convince" a man that you're a great girl? If he doesn't already see that, move on.

" I really dont want to be that person who is always doubting and questioning things."

You're feeling that way because HIS ACTIONS are MAKING you feel that way. If he was truly a good man, you would feel secure with him.

"nothing he does is good enough it seems"

LOL! WHAT HAS HE DONE? Other than run his mouth?" Nothing.

"he has great qualities"

Really? What are they because I don't see them.

BOTTOM LINE: You want to spend time with someone that makes YOU FEEL GOOD. This guy does not know how to make a woman feel good. He throws out a ton of excuses for his poor treatment and poor behavior, he creates his own problems and then he turns around and blames the woman.

He's extremely insecure and insecure guys do not make good boyfriends, lovers or husbands. As you can see, it's always all about them and they place the burden of work on the woman's shoulders to keep the relationship going while they don't lift a finger and only place blame and make excuses for themselves.

This is not a situation that is generating positive feelings or anything positive for that matter. It's completely 100% negative and that will never change with a man like this.

He will exhaust you and zap you of all your energy and leave you confused in a sea of self doubt. Get away from him now. He'll never be able to make you or any other woman happy.

KK said...

I agree with what you're saying Mirror, I see it NOW - I only wish I would have seen it or recognized it sooner. That's life though right, we learn as we go and we do make mistakes. I'm not feeling guilty or regret, just lessons learned.
Over the past few days I have noticed a change in MYSELF, and I LIKE it, I feel stronger and more positive most days and i'm getting better as each day passes.
"he has great qualities"
Really? What are they because I don't see them. - I see what you mean by that, and it may come off or sound like i'm defending him, it just seems that outside of this 'situation' he has or HAD certain qualities that attracted me to him in the first place and others have taken notice of them as well. He is not a horrible person by all means, nor is he perfect either. He used to make ME FEEL GOOD, I don't know if that's because I LET HIM or if it was some sort of 'tactic' on his part. Very confusing. And if he KNEW he was a disappointment or KNOWS that he screwed up and can maybe sense that now again too, would that be why he's trying to contact me and sent me that message yesterday? He casted a lure but I didn't bite. And I have noticed a pattern (he will be silent for 4 days MAX and then initiate contact - like the disappearing man I guess) In a sense, i'm rebuilding myself again and rebuilding that RESPECT for myself that I did lose somewhere on the way. I can't get hurt unless I ALLOW it(wrong behaviour to continue) And I WONT.
I know actions are louder than words, and talk is CHEAP. I'm not settling for less than I deserve. I know you can't change anyone, they have to do it themselves.
Again, I have never been in this position and I only want to do the right thing. So when it comes to this guy(and other men), i'm just curious as to if the 'contact' or initiating and 'chasing' and persistence FROM HIM continue, do I continue with the NC and keep trucking?. Does the 30 day rule apply in my case? In what possible scenario would the woman be able to respond while still maintaining that BALANCE and RESPECT? WHAT IF he seeks you out somewhere or perhaps finds himself at your door, what do we have to do then?

KK said...

*UPDATE* He has texted again, twice. LOL I can't help but laugh and IGNORE. I can now see what the men feel when women 'chase' (annoyed, yet the attention is nice and makes you feel 'big' but also makes you wonder if the other person has a life, they look desperate) Yesterday he asked if I was still alive, and today he asked if I fell off the earth, and then 20 mins later another message saying 'ooooo kay' - confused or a taunt. I know the game now. I have also received two calls today on my home phone from an unknown 'source' (which rarely or never occurs) So sure, I am a little suspicious, since both calls were made within one hour prior to receiving those texts.

Anonymous said...

what about no contact with a virgo stuck up man after break up by the way i am virgo too and we been together for almost 7 months in long distance relatison when time to meet get closer he bail off he start to disapear and talk rude to me i conforont him and he said he lost the dream of being with me as weleaving in diffrent continent...I ignore him for 2 weeks and still didnt contact me i delete him from my fb too ..

Anonymous said...

The first date seemed to go very well, laughed, flirted, had a lot in common. He gave me a kiss goodnight and told me to call him after I got back from my 3-day trip.

Should I call/text him?

Bodlon said...


Great article and loved reading other people's comments.

Would appreciate your thoughts on my situation. There's a guy and we have two mutual friends. They've both told me separately that he
fancies me (I've met him a few times when I've been at the pub with them etc). I feel like a teen writing this; I'm 28 he's 35, but I don't think it gets any easier regardless of age!

We were at one of the friend's birthday parties on Saturday and we really hit it off - spoke for hours, lots of flirting, he asked if I had a boyfriend, he told our friend he really fancied me again that night, he took my number and at the end of the night said he really wanted to kiss me...I obliged!

It's now Wednesday and I haven't heard anything. Would you say he's had a change of heart or is there still a little hope? It all felt so positive that I was convinced he'd be in touch. Our other mutual friend has encouraged me to text him, but I'm resisting the temptation as I'm convinced that men do contact women when they're genuinely interested.

Would love to know your thoughts. Thank you in advance!!

Anonymous said...

This is my predicament how to deal with a guy uv been dating for two months who is amazing- he called all the time or texted every day, things started off great but more recently things have gotten challenging. He is also separated, has a child lil older forwhich lately he has been spend a lot of time with, n has now had cancer come back? I really care for this guy a lot and I know iv got feelings for him but at he same time he wants to know what i want but when I ask him that question.his response is I have to focus on getting better?
He knows how I feel n that im here if he needs but should I just back off now n wait until he contacts me? I understand the child is also number 1 priority n I haven't met him which we've deliberately chosen not to because that's a separate hurdle. But the biggest thing Iv struggled with is him fitting 'us' time in because plans get changed for various reasons. It's just not n easy.situation.at all for anyone. It would be great to get some advice on what to do.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You can push this or control it in any way dear. Especially due to the fact that there's a very serious illness involved here, cancer, and you don't know if it's terminal or not at this point.

As a result, his focus is going to be his family and his son. Everything else is going to become secondary to that. Additionally, I imagine he isn't feeling well, which will also limit the time he's able to spend freely.

Wait for him to come to you. He needs plenty of space right now.

majcm said...

BTW, he is a Taurus...just now reading about the Taurus man. Sound familiar. I REALLY couldn't understand his frustration at me that I was "fidgety" when laying in his lap watching TV. I mean, REALLY MAD!! I realize by the end,I wasn't even myself anymore. Always on edge on what mood he'd be in....

Anonymous said...

Works like a bomb! Wish I could have found this article many years ago! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, you have given me my power back! (and by power I simply mean that wonder feminine power that lies within us, but that we forget sometimes)

Anonymous said...

myself have giv en my all attention my life to one man only . i cant stop thinking about him at any sec of the day. n keep expecting everytime tht he msg me talk with me. he know facts still he ignores me always. i know in heart that he love me but still he just keep me beside. m from india n we r in relationship from 4 yrs . this year 99% he msg daily goodmonr n goodnight . and like to see me on bbm but very rare whn he is mood thn ionly he msg more or esle two msg daily enough. he is married n hv ok realtion with wife but vry high profile, n i left my total past as i love him beyod limits. plz say

Anonymous said...

HI there... my bf broke up with me like 2 weeks ago and last contact from me was a week and 3 days ago... but yesterday he texted me saying that he hopes i'm doing well and take care. I want him back now will this work to get him back? i havent responded at all and this was lastnight.

a little background, he said he didnt want to be with me no more because he wasnt happy and his heart isnt in it no more. I replied one reply telling him to give me a chance and we can work this out. he never responded but texted me what i said above yesterday. now i'm being cautious as to what to say to him. please help :(

Anonymous said...


I posted here before March 23, 2013 at 1:14 PM and you replied on March 24, 2013 at 8:28 AM. Just a little update and would really appreciated your thoughts. Thanks! :)

So we have spoken a few times since that one phone call may weeks ago. I admit though there were certain points in that first call where I was a bit distant/cold maybe but I tried to keep it as friendly as I could. (I am really a quiet and shy person and I don’t have too much experience when it comes to guys and dating. And if I feel hurt/rejected I literally tend to withdraw way back into my shell and stay there for a while which I guess is my way of protecting myself). However, every time we spoke after that it was pretty normal and friendly. We end up joking and laughing but all the calls were initiated by me since I had to call him for work purposes since we both work for the same company but at different locations. (I only contact him if I have to for work. I have kept myself busy, I have dance class, then there's work and school and recently started hiking and making new friends and I don’t ask him about the no contact thing). He always asks how I've been, it's been so long since we spoke and that we'll talk soon and that I should call him more often instead of my boss because she is the one who deals with him mostly unless she asks me to do it or if she is not there I have to.

The last time we spoke which was Friday, where again I had to call him a few times. The first time I had to call him back because he was busy and he was like don't forget ok and he was laughing. His tone of voice always changes when he realizes it’s me that's calling. (It goes really soft sometimes to the point where I have to ask what he said a few times. He has always done this though). Anyways, we chatted for a while and he asked if I was going out after work and I said yes. Then he mentioned this place that he heard about and said that we should look for it and check it out.

The thing is he makes no contact outside of this. No messages or phone calls. I've kept my distance and kept busy trying to forget him but he makes it so confusing when he is like this when we have to talk….

Anonymous said...

I find your site very insightful and helpful-thank you!
I would like to share my story, perhaps you can shed some light on my situation?
I met a guy about 7 months ago. He seemed wonderful! He indicated from the very beginning that he was not seeing anyone else, neither was I. We are both in our 40ies, busy professionals. Started out great for the first 2-3 months. Saw each other a couple of times a week, emailed every day. He initiated contact mostly. As we got closer, he became more distant. Started communicating less, rescheduling dates, not initiating contact as much, yet complaining if I did not initiate it either. Blamed his stressful job for being always very busy. He was also never around for weekends. Then he would sometimes promise to call and not actually call.. When questioned, he always said he was still very interested and wanted to continue seeing me but that his job kept him preoccupied and depressed... After a couple of months of this, I complained.. He sent me a long e-mail explaining how I deserved so much better and he had to let me go because he was incapable of starting a relationship and why can't we just be friends... Breakup was hard for me, but I accepted it. Agreed to be friends-I really liked him. Since then we met up a couple of times. He tells me he misses me... complains and says he is confused when I don't contact him...why do I disappear etc..
I get a feeling he is still interested but now he is not sure if I'm too.. Maybe you can help me understand what I am dealing with? He broke it off but not completely? I would like to keep seeing him but not sure how to go about it. Being honest and upfront with him (which I used to be) did not seem to help much.
Thank you so much in advance for your advice.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

The reason you're unable to move on from him is because you won't cut the ties. If you keep him on as a "friend," this will only bring you constant confusion and unhappiness and longing. In my opinion, you can't really kick down a relationship from lovers to friends because one party always wants more from the situation. And in this case, that's you.

You're "settling" here for friendship when the reality is, you want more, you want a relationship. Yet, you've compromised yourself by settling for a friendship when instead, you should've just said no on the friendship and removed him from your life. Had you done that, you would've shown him consequences for his decision:


By remaining friends, he's not experiencing any consequences for his decision - he gets the best of both worlds instead - he still has access to you as a sexual "option" - yet maintains his freedom to do whatever he pleases at the same time. And this is all at YOUR expense because you've permitted it.

"I get a feeling he is still interested"

Interested in a relationship - or interested in you as a sexual option? Two very different things.

"He broke it off but not completely?"

Exactly. He's stringing you along as an option with his sob story.

"I would like to keep seeing him but not sure how to go about it."

Would you like to keep seeing him as a casual sexual affair - or would you like to keep seeing him in the hopes he'll commit? If it's the later, don't waste your time because his intentions here are for "option" not commitment it appears.

"Being honest and upfront with him (which I used to be) did not seem to help much."

That's because when you're honest and up front with him, he recognizes there are feelings there and he doesn't want to have to deal with them - because he wants "casual" and not "relationship."

"complains and says he is confused when I don't contact him. . .complaining if I did not initiate it either"

That's emotional manipulation dear. He's tugging at your emotions as a woman to continue to string you along in this "illusion" of a possible commitment someday. He's basically saying, "Why aren't you making yourself available to me? I don't understand why you're not offering yourself up on a platter to me here?"

I sense that he's "emotionally unavailable" because he bails when things get a bit thick. He doesn't want to enter into emotional territory here with you - he'd much rather keep this superficial in nature (casual).

Please consider 30 days of no contact and no response to gain some clarity for yourself here and to see if the consequence for him brings out any real, true "feeling" here in him:


Anonymous said...

I have to say that I loved reading this, very insightful! I figured I'd tell you a little about my current situation and see what you think! I used to hangout with this guy a couple of years ago. We hungout a few times and started to like each other but due to certain personal situations ( that I won't get into much detail about here ) we lost contact for a while. We just recently ( 2 weeks or so ) got back in touch via facebook. Since we had last spoke things had gotten better for the both of us so we exchanged numbers and texted some that first day. We were trying to make plans to hangout but his job called him out of town for the week. We kept in touch some while he was out of town, and we did discuss some about what had happend between us in the past. He said he wants me back in his life and that he was sorry that things got kind of crazy for him back then. He said things like I've missed you and that he did like me a lot before when we hungout. Towards the last few days of his trip I didn't really hear from him. I did text him once to ask him how his day had been ( won't do that again after reading your article, makes perfect sense )! I didn't get a response that day. He finally did text me a few days later saying that his phone was fixed ( I guess it had broke? ) and that he was back in town. So I told him that I was free that weekend but informed me he would most likely be heading out of town that weekend to attend some concert with his friends. My response to him was "ok thats fine, have fun. just text me whenever you have some free time, you seem busy." i didnt mean this in a sarcastic way necessarily, but he did seem to have a lot going on so I was just putting it on him to get in touch with me. After I sent that text I got no response from him until the next day ( it was Friday, finally the weekend! ). He texted me asking me what I was doing that night, and that he probably wasn't going out of town after all. Well since he had said he was going out of town, I made other plans for Friday night. I explained to him I had plans but that I should be free tomorrow, Saturday night. He said that was good for him and for me to hit him up. So I did Saturday but I told him I wouldn't be free til late. So he invited me to his house to hangout. Some of his best friends were there I might add. We had a great time and I got a long well with his friends. He put his arm around me in front of his friends and obviously wanted to be close to me. When I left he gave me a hug and a kiss and said to hit him up again the following weekend. He just started a new job that keeps him very busy during the week and I'm a single mom which also keeps me very busy. I did make the mistake however the next day initiating the contact with him and telling him that I had fun. He told me that it was great seeing me! We texted a little back and forth but he didn't respond to the last text that I sent him last night. I guess long story short, if he isn't texting me every day does that mean he's not interested? I've read the book He's just not that into you and they're pretty clear that if a guy is interested he will text you, but does that mean it has to be all the time or everyday? We just began talking again after not talking for a while, but he has said some things that indicate to me that he does have maybe a little interest at this point. Just want to know what you think! I know it may still be a little premature at this point to be reading into so much, but just thought I'd ask! Thanks!! :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"pretty clear that if a guy is interested he will text you, but does that mean it has to be all the time or everyday?"

I stand by what I've written in the article dear, particularly in the very early days of a budding relationship. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not (or simply seeking a sexual encounter) is to see if he pursues you.

And there are men who agree. Consider this piece, written by a man:


Anonymous said...

Mirror i lovee all your posts and the fact that you actually take the time to respond to questions! coming across this site has been soo eye opening for me and you could say life changing for me in my frustrating quest to find Mr Right i visit almost daily and always look out for new posts and your responses to posts...now my question for you is is it ok for a woman to flirt with a man she likes? can you provide more insight for us ladies on the most effective communication style with a man that you're interested in..should you be fun and flirtatious or a little more quiet and demure, or a little more serious and mysterious or should you start off one way and then act a different way as you get to know each other better and what if you work together and start off in the friendship boat-im just so confused! ive read the book why men love bitches and from reading your posts i find that sometimes joking around with a guy and being a bit of a bitch seems to illicit some sort of response like they're actually engaged and enjoying it!especially cocky asshole types for some reason they seem to like that maybe because they see the female version of themselves reflected back to them .. i seem to come across a lot of arrogant cocky men that im unfortunately attracted to so i guess my question is specifically geared towards those sorts of personalities.. could you please advise!!very much appreciated xox

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous June 24, 12:51PM,
My suggestion dear - stay AWAY from the cocky, arrogant men. They do NOT make for good boyfriends, lovers and husbands. When you date an alpha male like that (secretly an insecure man), you make a trade off. And that trade off is:

1) You trade off receiving attention and instead, provide it (to him) 24/7.

2) You trade off your dignity in exchange for "eye candy" on your arm (alphas are generally selfish types).

3) You trade off your independence and instead, become dependent on him (to increase your social standing).

4) You trade off your stable mental health and instead, let the games of "players" warp your mind and create confusion, self-doubt and low self-esteem as a result. (Not to mention put yourself at very high risk of contracting an STD due to the numbers of women alphas are bedding these days).

These are the subtle dynamics and realities of pairing with an alpha male. Additionally, those personality types are also associated with some significant and very serious personality disorders, such as sociopathic personality disorder and/or narcissistic personality disorder.


"Sociopath: Social and charming. A con-artist with more criminal traits than violent ones. Disregard for law, authority and the rights of others. Pathological liars. Parasitic lifestyle, sucking off of others. Promiscuous sexual behavior, lack of long term relationships (friendship, romantic or otherwise), impulsive and irresponsible, prone to boredom. Christian Bale in the movie "American Psycho" is the perfect example as is Ted Bundy, the serial killer who charmed women to their ultimate deaths.

Narcissist: Elitist and loves to be adored and admired. Feels entitled. Grandiosity and inflated self-image. Arrogant and egotistical. Gordon Gecko in the movie "Wall Street" and Richard Gere in the movie "American Gigolo" are prime examples."

Yes, it's okay to flirt with men, that's how it should be done (gaining one's attention) and there are 9 Laws of Persuasion and Influence that exist for business, life and relationships (none of which I advocate abusing by the way):


"i seem to come across a lot of arrogant cocky men"

Every woman is dear. It's a result of the hookup culture and high supply sexual economy we're currently living in right now (that alphas have a field day wallowing around in).

Those are the men to AVOID dear (the players, cheaters, liars, narcissists, sociopaths, etc.)

I'm strongly advocating this book on this site right now:


It discusses all of these very topics in great detail and it WILL be an eye opener for you, almost a slap in the face if you will.

An attachment to "bad boys" is NOT healthy dear. Watch this video from the author of that book on the subject:


And then steer clear of the arrogant fools and find yourself a nice, quiet, consistent and reliable good man instead ;-)

Anonymous said...

thank you so much for your response Mirror! not to disagree but wouldn't flirting in the beginning be too outwardly obvious that it's kind of like you're being the predator and all he sees are your 'hungry eyes' lol(a term that mr charmer actually used about another female to me) isn't it better to be less obvious and just play it cool so he walks away not thinking you want him like every other female which is the reason he's so damn arrogant in the first place..and you are absolutely right im digging a really deep hole for myself in my dealings with these types of men- i somehow connect it back to daddy issues and maybe not feeling worthy of someone who treats me with a lot of love,respect and consideration..but part of it is there charming allure and there i dont give a shit attitude along with there good looks and social standing that im attracted to..but you made such an important point about how it all comes with a cost.. a cost so big that i know first hand how detrimental it can be to my mental and emotional health. You mentioned in one of your responses that female suicide is on the rise and i can see why -a broken rejected heart is probably the worst feeling in the world and time doesnt seem to mend it but its so sad that a man(i use the term man loosely) who is so effed up in his head can eff us up so bad in our heads and make us feel like nothing nobodys-not worthy.not valued..as good as gone :( your posts are inspiring and keep me strong and i will certainly be checking out the 30 day love detox because i need to detox before this addiction completely destroys me

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous June 24, 4:41PM,
Yes dear, according to the statistical information shared in that book, female suicide isn't simply "up" as a result of this hookup culture. . .it's TRIPLED (in just the last 15 years).

Very eye-opening indeed. Even more eye-opening, female depression and mental disorders have doubled in the last 15 years.

In otherwords ladies, all of this shit treatment - takes a SERIOUS toll on your mental, physical and emotional well being. Which is why you don't give the benefit of doubt to a man that doesn't deserve it. Instead, you protect yourself, think logically, throw emotional thinking (administering the benefit of doubt for bad behaviors and treatment and justifying them for him by "assuming" he's a good guy even when his actions and treatment signal he isn't) out the window and get down to brass tacks. . .self-preservation.

So ask yourself (all of you ladies) when dealing with one of these men:

1) Is he worth my sanity?

2) Is he worth my emotional well-being?

3) Is he worth sacrificing myself and my dreams for (by becoming "addicted" to him and consumed with him via obsession).

4) Is he worth sacrificing my dignity for (by being forced to give in to the pressure applied to provide sexual favors long before you're ready to, for fear he might lose interest if you don't).

5) And the most important question of all - does he make me HAPPY? Or does he cause pain, confusion and unhappiness the majority of the time?

And here's another eye-opener from the book, ladies. Did you know that this hookup culture is actually an illusion of sorts? A facade that most men (and women too) will have you believe is actually taking place and is actually normal now and is actually the way of life? A facade that's being used to pressure individuals into sexual favors with a "hey, everyone else is doing it" mentality?

Here's the reality from survey done on a college campus:

When polled, approximately 90% of individuals felt the hookup culture existed and was a new way of life.

However, statistically when polled, it was discovered that only approximately 1/3 of individuals were actually ENGAGING in it.

So 90% of college students feel it's real (feel the pressure to supply sex early), when in reality, only about 1/3 are actually living that way.

The hookup culture is real, it is here, but it's here in the form of a facade of sorts and a false illusion, a false belief. One that's pressuring men and women both to participate, even against their better judgment.

Food for thought gals.

So the next time a guy texts you and says, "other women are "getting some" so I wanted to know if you wanted some too" - don't buy it. Don't give in to the pressure - don't believe it.

It's a ruse - not everyone is out there "getting some" as they'd have you believe (so that you feel obligated to "get some" too).

Anonymous said...

can they change for the better mirror? can anything or anyone change them? what's your take on that? does it take maturity/age, a deep desire to have a sense of family or a new woman?i'd like to think my asshole aries ex isn't treating his new girlfriend any better than he treated me but maybe he is because she has more to offer him than i could ( ie -a place to live rent free)he also said they have an understanding about things (i guess that he doesnt need to stay committed) u said that a leopard doesnt change his spots but are there ever exceptions? i know hes tried to work things out with his baby mama many times to no avail mainly because of his selfish, narcissistic, cheating ways but i feel like perhaps him never knowing his dad and being sent away by his mother to be raised by grandparents has contributed to his emotional unavailabilty and lack of feelings he's stone cold but i feel like deep down there may be someone half decent..i think girls hold on in hopes that the frog might turn into prince charming..do you have any statistics about the percentage that just stay frogs ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous June 24, 5:37,
No, no one and nothing can change an individual. The change needs to come from within. External factors have very little effect. Change happens internally.

No one can make a drug addict find recovery, they have to want it themselves. No one can make an alcoholic quit drinking, they have to want that themselves. And no one, regardless of any smidgen of good buried deep down inside somewhere, can make someone be kind, be loving, be caring and be considerate and thoughtful...unless they want to be those things. If people chose to exhibit their negative traits as opposed to their positive ones...then that's their reality. And no one and nothing can change that...except the person themselves.

Some of that comes with age, some of it comes with maturity and some of it comes due to positive influence. But even with all those things in place, if the individual does not want o be the best version of themselves...then they're not going to be.

And when women hold onto a false hope that there's good in a man and that he'll change because she's special and can change him or fix him...that's clinically referred to as anxious attachment disorder, as per the book, 30 Day Love Detox, in which it's discussed in detail. I'd strongly suggest that you read it to gain further insight and to put things in perspective.

Rid yourself of the false "idealistic" illusion about men and relationships and instead, stay firmly grounded in the reality because that's the only real thing someone can ever rely on...the rest is a mix of fantasy, wishful thinking and misplaced hope...and it can be very damaging.

Anonymous said...


You seem to offer great advice and I was hoping you might be able to help me out.

I just recently started dating someone...it's been a month now & 4 great dates. He contacts me at least every other day. I am practicing being a "Rules" girl on this one & have been letting him initiate all contact; not responding to his texts right away, etc. We have only made out (2nd base) & we both agreed to take is slow.

He travels a lot for work. He's basically out of town 4-5 days during the week. I know it's too early to be expecting to see him every weekend (when he's in town). How often should he be trying to see me? If he skips a weekend, is he not interested? Last week, he got back in town on Friday & contacted me to see what I was up to that night. I told him that it was a bummer that I had already made plans. I'm trying to get him to realize that he needs to make plans in advance to see me but it seems difficult with his crazy work schedule. What would you suggest? Can I say the next time, "that I tend to make weekend plans early on in the week"??

Thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous June 25, 5:19PM,
"How often should he be trying to see me?"

In the very early days when casually dating and getting to know one another, once a week is preferable while a minimum of at least once every two weeks is perfectly acceptable.

"If he skips a weekend, is he not interested?"

No, that's considered casual dating. Casual dating is "a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship."

If you expect more in the very early beginnings, it basically amounts to pressuring for a relationship and commitment, "demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship."

"it seems difficult with his crazy work schedule."

That's probably because he's being a bit inconsiderate. Meaning, this isn't impossible, he's simply not making/taking the time to do it. He's "basically out of town 4-5 days during the week." Which means he KNOWS that he's available at least two days a week.

"Can I say the next time, "that I tend to make weekend plans early on in the week"?"

I wouldn't necessarily explain myself that way or put it that way to him just yet. Instead, I think I'd simply continue to not be available for his last minute requests, which if he cares, he should take notice of and "correct" without even needing to have a discussion about it.

If he doesn't correct that due to you unavailability, then I would expect that eventually, he'll bring it up - basically "inviting" a discussion about it.

And when that happens, feel free to say something along the lines of, "Yes, I'm aware of the issue, however, life is very busy as we all know and I tend to plan in advance due to that. How about we discuss weekend plans say. . .by Wednesday of the week each week? I think that'd easily solve this."

Because regardless of his busy schedule, it is a bit presumptuous for someone to assume last minute availability with another and it's also ignorant in a sense - inconsiderate and thoughtless - man or woman - to assume someone is sitting around with nothing to do, waiting on you.

And as a woman, when you cave and give in to that. . .it basically becomes a fast track to "taken for granted" land.

Anonymous said...

I have been talking to a guy I met online for about 2 months. We've been texting basically everyday, and we've been on 1 date because for the last few weeks, I've been in Europe, but we exchanged several really sweet, emotionally connected emails while I was away. Now, I just got back and things have kind of simmered down a bit in the texting department. I used to get "good morning beautiful" texts almost daily and he would usually initiate the texting convos, except for a few that I would initiate. I'm REALLY interested in him; we have a lot in common and we're really looking for the same things in a partner and relationship and it seems like it could really work out. He's in the process of getting his MBA and has a big final exam this weekend, so I'm wondering if I'm just overreacting to the lack of texts because he's busy taking his test or if he might no longer be interested despite the implications he made via email and previous texts. I was thinking that I would not text him today but I thought it would be nice to check in and see how the test went tomorrow- is that too needy and aggressive of me or sweet of me to think of him. He's really stressed that he believes a relationship should be equal effort from both people, so I don't know if I should just let it go about asking about the test or do it to show I can put effort in as well. Also, I can see that he has been active on the dating site we met on within 24 hours...I know we're not exclusive, but could this mean that his texts are coming less frequently because he's started something with someone else? I'm really new to dating (had been in a 5 year relationship previously) so I'm not sure how to behave! I'm definitely not going to text him today, but please help me! I want him to know I'm interested and still that sweet girl he liked in the beginning!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous June 29, 12:54PM,
There's nothing you can do here dear. You can't make someone love you, care for your or want to be with you or talk to you. The other person has to want that as well.

When dating online, it is essential to accept the reality that the man is dating others as well (which is what YOU should be doing to). That's the reality of online dating. It's very different from offline reality. You can't assume that one online date will lead to 2, 3, 4, 10 more. It may end right there and have absolutely nothing to do with you but be due to the fact that someone else came along (so many women, so little time type kind of thing).

And when dating in general, words are just words dear - it's ACTIONS that speak. And it's actions that move the relationship forward. Kind, sweet words are always nice, but in the end, they are not what drives the relationship, individual actions are (asking for a date, telephoning regularly, making time for the individual, etc.)

My suggestion here is to not get stuck on this one man - start dating others. Don't initiate a text, and keep moving forward here. If you stop at this one man and one single date - there's a very high likelihood you're going to get hurt dear. By putting all of your eggs in this one basket and having high expectations from it (that it's going to lead to a relationship).

The only way a woman can truly know if a man is genuinely interested or not is to see if he pursues her ;-)

Anonymous said...

OK, I think I have made every mistake possible, and would like to know if it is possible to salvage my mistakes because I do in fact like this man. Met on and online dating site. He initiated conversation and we met a week later. Next night we went to his place to watch movie. I slept with him. I know mistake #1. I have seen him 6 times now in the last month. He texts me daily, calls me pet names, etc. But we have only gone to his place (he says he is broke from vacation). I only see him maybe once a week (he works 6 days a week). He tells me he likes me and isnt going anywhere, but my insecurities have given him too much insight into me. He constantly brings up the fact that I am still on the dating site (I was initially still dating early on). But then he too is on the dating site still and updates his pics. I know it is early on in the relationship, but I am starting to think that perhaps I am nothing but a booty call to him.

Anonymous said...


There was this guy that I dated from work but he has since moved to a different location. We went out a few times but it didn’t work out but we do have to keep in touch at times for work purposes so our relationship right now is basically friendly/professional, although he does get a bit flirtatious at times. Anyway, we were talking on the phone last Monday and he asked what I was doing for the coming weekend and I said this weekend is my birthday so I will be busy. So he said "“I have a really bad memory but I’ll message u or call u on your birthday once I remember”. Now I didn't really expect him to remember given our situation and he didn't anyway, even if he did he didn't call or message but it was no big deal.

Anyway, there is this girl at work who knows that we were dating but only because she saw us out one night. (No one else at work knows about us because I didn't want anyone knowing at the time we were dating in case things didn't work out and they didn't and I don't talk to the girl about him either). Like I said about the birthday thing, I didn't expect him to remember. So this past Tuesday the girl at work came and asked me if I didn't tell him it was my bday, so I asked why, what happened? She said that she spoke to him and asked him and then buffed him because he didn't remember. So he ended up messaging me on Wednesday night to say "Happy Belated Hun, sorry i didn't wish you earlier, was busy as usual" so I responded "it's cool, thank u :)"

Now this has me feeling a bit awkward because I don't know if he is thinking that I said something to the girl which I didn't. Now I want to tell her to butt out and not get involved...how do I do so in a nice way? Or am I making a big deal of nothing and should I just let it go?

Anonymous said...

Hey Aphrodite,

I have broken so many of these rules already. How do I get back on track with my guy and take control? I also confess that we have both sent each other nude photos and have texted for hours, 98% of the time however he initiates contact. I met him online and we've been talking for about 3 weeks. I'm supposed to meet in him the next 2 weeks. Please help. What should I between now and then when I meet him? Thanks!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Hi Anonymous,
Please don't think I'm saying this to be nasty because that's not my intention. I'm saying this because I want you to pull back, way back, and look at the big picture here - the overall impression, okay :-)

Put yourself in this man's shoes, or any other individual outside of yourself, and then ask yourself, "Why would someone send someone something so intimate to someone that they've never met before? What must this individual value THEMSELVES at in order for them to feel it necessary to do such a thing so as to garner someone's attention? Why would someone want someone to see them nude before ever even meeting them in person?"

And the logical answer, or at least the one that most individuals would immediately conclude is, "They're looking for sex, they're seeking sex."

So that's the impression you've created prior to even meeting this man. As a result, I can assure you that one or a few things will now happen:

1) When he meets you, he'll be expecting no strings, free and easy, casual sex from you - a hookup - and nothing more.

2) He'll never meet you, and he'll use you as an "online porn" supply of sorts and he'll maintain a sexting relationship with you only.

Now let's flip that around. What do YOU think of a MAN that sends nude photos to a woman he's never met? Do you think this is a gentleman? Do you think this is a man seeking a relationship - or one seeking free and easy sex?

The logical answer to that would be, "No, he's not a gentleman and yes, he's a man seeking free and easy sex.

As a result, my suggestion would be to cease all contact with this man, unless of course you did intend to maintain a casual sexual relationship only with him. If you intended to possibly have a committed relationship with this man, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but. .that's probably never going to happen for several reasons:

1) He's clearly not seeking a relationship and is only seeking free sex.

2) He will never be able to respect you (I'm so sorry dear :-(

3) This is a man that can never be fully trusted based on his own actions.

Answer those questions I've posed and then proceed accordingly dear. If you're seeking a relationship - this is not a man that offers relationship potential :-(

If you're seeking a hook up - you've landed one.

In the meantime, give this piece a read and try to understand the concept of how beneficial the dating/courtship process truly is - and why that is the route to a lasting, committed, healthy relationship:


And this one for dating online:


Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror! I know you are busy..but if a guy has been acting like a jerk and goes two weeks without texting..then texts you like he is all sweet and innocent...should I wait two weeks to get back to him? I don't think he deserves/is worth a full 30 day NC. What do you think? Just mirror him? tnx

Anonymous said...

hi mirror,
i think you are God sent cos you av helped me get all d attention i want from my man
i have been seeing this taurus guy for 7months. after for months of being in a relationship he started pulling away. i was so frustrated by his actions so i was calling him, texting him and telling him how mch i wanted him all the time. the more i did this the farther he went. trying to find answers to this behaviour i laid hands on your blogs. i used the no contact on him and as expected he began chasing me. i have stopped initiating contacts.
on two occassions i av turned him down on sex and now he is accusing me of seeing someone else. he thinks am acting this way because am seeing someone else.
he gets really angry when it takes me hours or days to answer his calls and he is begging me to put a stop to my new self.
what i dont understand now is dat he really gets angry when i dnt pay attention to him and am scared of losing him.
what should i do? should i initiate contact once a while ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 17, 5:37PM,
Why would you cease doing something that's working and benefitting you? He doesn't think you're cheating, he's insecure and wants control. And if he really does think you're cheating, then what's he basing that on...your new found confidence and independence?

You can do as he requests if you like, but if you do that, beware...he may instantly steal power back and use it to treat you the exact same way he did before. When men behave like that that, it's manipulation most times. He was in control before...of you...and now you're in control of yourself...and he doesn't like that. If you ask me, that's his problem not yours.

He's fighting for control here so be mindful of that...before you end up on the losing end of it again.

Anonymous said...

I'm kicking myself after reading this brilliant article. I really like this guy and I'm fairly confident he's likes me. We have been texting for a couple of weeks, but haven't met in person (I accidently texted him while trying to contact a friend who got a new phone number). I am wondering something: we have already exchanged below the neck pictures and I have initiated a few of our conversations: CAN I STILL SAVE THIS??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 22, 10:20PM,
"we have already exchanged below the neck pictures and I have initiated a few of our conversations"

By doing the above, you have given this man the impression that the instant you meet, he's getting laid. And you have also given him the impression that that is what this is all about - nothing but sex.

As a result, he will expect you to be okay with meeting for a "hookup" and he will be okay with not contacting you afterwards if he so chooses because that's what he thinks you want - just sex. Because that's what that type of behavior communicates to a man, particularly if it's the woman driving it.

Let me ask you, do you want a hookup? Is that what you're seeking? Because if so, then this behavior will definitely lead to that.

However, if it's a relationship you seek - this is NOT the behavior that's going to lead to that dear. You cannot make a second "first impression," ya' know? Additionally, behavior communicates things to people. You should always make sure your behavior is communicating exactly what you want - not the opposite. So if it's a relationship you seek with a man, this type of behavior is not going to communicate that to him.

If you want to save this so that it leads to a relationship, I'm sorry dear, but as I stated above, you cannot make a second first impression. I don't think a committed relationship is an option here.

If you want to save it so that it leads to a hookup and a brief casual sexual fling, then I'm quite sure he'll accommodate you there.

Either way, like I said, ALWAYS make sure your ACTIONS communicate your desires and then you can't go wrong :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi M.O.A.

How to respond to his text such as this: "Hey sweetie! Hope your day is going well! I miss you. :(" .... I miss him also....

We've been out of dates on ocassions; infrequent.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 26, 2:53PM,
That's not even a text that demands a response dear. It's not a question to answer and it's not carrying a conversation - it's simply a statement.

Anonymous said...

This man and I have been texting a good number of times in a week. I have initiated a text here and there but he's usually the one who texts me first, most of the times. We last texted this past Friday and my reply to his last text was where we left off. I didn't hear from him all weekend (he had a high school reunion) and didn't hear from him Monday & Tuesday (he's managing two family business, so I can assume he was busy). But I did not text him at all.. coz I was also busy with my life and didn't want him to get the impression that I'm needy. Basically, everything that you wrote here is so true and I agree with them (thanks :) btw)...

My question is: He texted me yesterday, Wednesday.. asking me how I am and telling me he's having blood work done (I'm a nurse). I have not replied to him yet. Should I wait for the same number of days that he didn't text me, before I reply to his text? Or can I text him back after two days? Also we have not met yet.. We set a day in September to meet for the first time. So we've been texting mostly. Is there a rule on how long to wait before you reply back to his text, if its been days since you last communicated with each other? Pls help.. thanks so much!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 2, 7:32PM,
Well it's a personal choice, however, I'd suggest mirroring his behavior. This keeps things equal, fair and balanced - and if he wants more of you, he'll catch on that he needs to give more of himself first (because you're mirroring him).

And to mirror, you wait the same number of days, then respond :-)

Tiff720 said...

Hi MOA-- I'm so confused!! I don't know if I should respond to his texts or ignore until he's gotten the picture to call.

Although we've been out a few times, but not consistently. I only looked at him as a friend/classmate buddy, but never saw anything different until recently (he kissed me). I'm starting to see him in a different light and find myself liking him more. I get attention from other guys, but my focus is on him, but not sure if he's really focusing on US. We used to be in the same classes; he graduated last week, but I keep in contact with him since we're both pursuing the same degree/major & he has the books I need at no cost. I thought if a man is geniuely interested and wants to keep the friend in that woman, he pursues her and not letting her 'busy' schedule get in the way all because he wants to be with her. Is my thought process wrong? or He may just be playing the game? And during our last outing, during one of the kissing sessions, it got a little hot/heavy. Not sexually as I told him I don't know him & would prefer to be in a committed relationship before giving up the 'goods'. However, during this session, he did visually see the 'goods'.... My mistake on that part, but we're human! Since then, his text says "thinking about you this morning and those lips of yours". how should I respond or should i ignore. it makes me feel uncomfortable now since i've exposed that side of me or should i just keep him as a 'friend' so i can get the books at no cost and not accept any dates/outings with him and if i do , refrain from kissing and other activities?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Do not respond to that sexual text dear. . .unless you want to find yourself appearing as a willing "hookup" partner for him.

If you want him to respect you as a woman and to see you as a human being. . .you have to respect yourself and signal that to him.

If you let this slide into sexual territory quick. . .it's going to deteriorate just as quickly :-(

Tiff720 said...

Thank you MOA... I did not respond to the text. Instead, I waited several hours later to text him about the outcome of an interview I had since I had told him. I started the text off with a "Hi....." I completly ignore the morning text he had sent. However, later on that evening, we talked on the phone and mentioned how I didn't respond to his text and that I sent the other text later. I laughed and changed the topic. We have a date scheduled for this Saturday. So my intentions is to refrain from anything going further than just a kiss. I like him, but he tells me he likes me also. My goal is to make him WAIT! I would really like to see how long he will wait and a true test for me to not disappoint myself and give in. Especially since I want more if he is meant to be in my life. I believe in divine intervention....

Anonymous said...

Hi - great article! Quick question - I'd be interested in your thoughts. Girl meets boy, boy takes a couple of weeks to ask girl out - on the day of their first date - boy texts girl to cancel their date because of work - he's really apologetic and asks to reschedule (without suggesting alternative dates) - girl says sure no problem. Girl does hear from boy for a week so she texts him to ask how he plans to make it up to her - he responds straightaway with flirtations messages, she tells him she's a challenge and he should try harder - he doesn't respond and goes MIA. Girl thinks boy is interested but his actions suggest he's distracted and/or lazy. Should she avoid all contact with him? Move on?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 9, 12:59PM,
I would definitely move on - don't put your life on hold waiting for a man to decide if he's interested or not.

Move on, and if he decides he's interested, he'll catch up to find you :-)

Meanie said...

Hi Mirror,

Pretty much a no contact is currently in order now with this person i had been seeing for nearly a year. He never confirmed that he is a bf but i was patient with him, was letting him do the approaching, dating, calling & all that jazz. Along the way I thought I heard him dropping hints about marriage, future children so I must have dropped my guard somewhere along the way. Not too long ago he dropped a bomb, that he should start dating?!

In my mind I was like WTF?! What the hell have we been doing? Guess I was wrong all this while that he was considering me his girlfriend but had not dared to verbally express himself.

I had requested him to stop calling me in that case & wished him luck for his dating apparently I guess I didn't make it deadly firm. Couple of days later he bumps into me by chance while i was shopping, he had wanted to talk about me remaining as his friend when we decided to have coffee together. I was firm with him that I can't do that & reminded him that this was not part of the initial agreement we had. When either decides to leave we need to part ways to which he was adamant about me being of his best few trusted friends along the way on the same night in the moment of weakness when I hugged him for the last time, I had brainlessly blurted out "I Love U" to which he didn't respond immediately which I was cool with but instead messaged me hours later that the reply to what I said to him was "I Like You ALOTTTT Too!!!".

I figured it just has games written all over it. And told him that that was just my parting words to you & I wasn't expecting any answer from him. To which he replied that it will be cherished...

Finally I took all the firmness I could and told him never to contact me & wished him luck to which he never replied (I tot that was bloody rude). Took him off my FB, my messenging progs, Whatsapp as well as blocking him so that he can't see my status updates & vice verse.

So now how soon should I return his stuff back to him. I holding DVDs that actually are his colleague's. I'm not sure if it's just rude to do it right away or should I wait for him to ask or not to do it at all. It going to be a week now since the last communication.

From the sounds of it I think he just wasn't into me or was running tests on me I don't know. I would definitely like him back if he is really interested in me if not I really don't want to be holding on to his stuff that he can use as an excuse to get back in touch to test waters, you know what I mean. And what about returning whatever gifts he had given me how should I go about dealing with this situation in the best possible way?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"how soon should I return his stuff back to him."

Put it in a box and mail it to him. Make sure you attach a confirmation request to it, so you can prove he signed for it.

Then wash your hands clean of it.

"what about returning whatever gifts he had given me"

That's a personal choice, but from a legal standpoint, I believe gifts are considered gifts. As a result, they are not required to be returned, so if they aren't causing you grief or pain, it's not something that needs addressed.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, I have been on and off with a guy for the past 3 months. It has not been easy. He is a talker. He says the most charming things on messages and will admit how he feels about me. We have decided to take it slow. You know, do the dating thing and spend some time together. We both know how we feel about each other, but he doesn't initiate anything ever. He always says he really likes me but he doesn't do anything about it. I also haven't been in a relationship in a long time. Well a steady one so this is all new to me again. I need to know how to handle him. I don't feel like wasting my time with someone who just talks, but never goes through with anything. But I need him to become the chaser. To work for me. I understand that you say that girls should wait until he text, but at what time do you say okay enough is enough. Basically I need to know how should I handle him and at what point to I give up.

Unknown said...


So I pretty much have pulled away from the guy I was involved with. Both of us are Tauruses and very shy and scared of having our feelings hurt which has impacted our relationship. Every move is passive aggressive which is terrible. Anyways, I decided I couldn't take it anymore but we work together, not in the same office but we are involved in many projects together. Therefore, I'm unable to stop all contact but I can control what I can.

I went on my mobile account and blocked him from calling my cell phone and the abiity to send me text messages. What happened was I wanted to go for a job interview in California but I needed someone to pick me up from the airport upon my return. I didn't need anyone for two weeks when I text him if he could pick me up he stated he's going to be busy Sunday (I never said when I was returning) and to text him the night before if I couldn't find anyone. Well, I would always clear my schedule to make time for him so I told him don't worry about it and promptly blocked all communication.

Then we had a meeting the next morning, he kept trying to call me in which I didn't answer then he sent me an email saying he wanted me to speak on some items which I never had to do before. I basically created documents with all the info and told him I wouldn't make it then he asked could I conference in, maybe....I never made it.

I'm pretty sure he has tried to call and text because he alluded to it. He stated on my email he tried to text me a question but then realized I probably didn't get it. He knows I didn't get it becaue my test states, "this party is not accepting text messages at this time." and if he calls me it will say the same thing. If you type the message online it clearly states the person has blocked you.

Yesterday, he tries to call me over and over because my work phone has caller ID. I would never answer then he would send an email. I would only answer emails pertaining to work. He called 5 times yesterday, after the 5th time I called him(he never calls me so often) I was like, "I saw you called, what's up?" He stated he had been trying to call me over and over and for some reason I never pick up the phone anymore...he said it a few times and I just went "anyways" how was the meeting?

We talked as we usually talk only about work items and we ended up talking past our work time so eventually I told him I had to go and we ended it there. He sounded sad I had to get off the phone but I didn't care. I feel like he has played to many games with my emotions knowing how I felt about him in the past therefore I'm providing him the wall.

The only things is he never likes conflict so I doubt he will ever address the sudden change directly only in his passive aggressive way and should I finally say something or wait for him to man up and ask?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 14, 6:32AM,
When a man doesn't pursue you, doesn't take ACTION and doesn't follow through - that should be enough right there to make a decision dear.

Forget his WORDS, and "listen" to what his ACTIONS (or lack thereof) are "saying."

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I wouldn't bother wasting my breath on a "talk" unless he's ready for it and initiates it himself. Otherwise, it'll go in one ear and out the other. He'll agree to change, try harder, etc. But those are just WORDS. Basically, when you initiate the talk, many times, all it does it provide someone an opportunity to string you along further :-(

Which is why it's best to wait for them to initiate it and signal that they are ready to speak about it instead of confronting them when they're not ready and watching them potentially tune it out or lie to you.

If you read the stories here shared by other women dear, you begin to see the pattern. These types of "talks" when initiate by the woman generally make things better for a week or two - then it's right back to normal. Because the man really wasn't ready, so he said what he had to say to get out of the uncomfortable talk and then just did whatever he wanted to do after it anyway :-(

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,

Recently I had to initiate a break-up. It happened in gradual stages. I have been seeing this guy for nearly a year now but till this date I would say he hadn't tried to make make any commitment so I started calling t shots.

Week 1: Told him I should stop seeing him
Week 2: To stop calling me up on the phone
Week 3: Requested to stop text messages all together.

As all shots were proceeded in stages I believe a normal human should be able to recognize that things are going downhill & if the relationship had really mattered to someone he should have stepped up to communicate, resolve but no.

I only got his full attention when he realized that I had took him down from FB & blocked his no.

Received a total of 12 missed calls in a hour but realizing that none were going thru I get a long text from him.

That he would like hv a talk to come to some compromises for t relationship to carry on if i was keen. That I have left footprints behind that he truly cherishes. Requested me to give him a time-frame to let him know when I would be ready for t talk & that he is willing to wait for my answer becoz i'm worth it.

Now I can't quite believe that this text from actually from the exact person i had been saying on & off for a year. The same person who was insecure about calling me his gf becoz im slightly heavier then him. The same man who to whom I was nothing but a 2nd option to all this while. He admitted during first 3 stages he was able to cope but when the 4th stage was in place that's when the feeling of loneliness & loss set in. And voila ! he communicates !

I have loved this man with all my heart sincerely but I never truly felt I was loved back half as much. When I already in the process of grieving for the loss of a meaningless relationship. I can't sleep, i can't eat & i can't stop crying. I'm aware that it is just part & parcel of mourning for the loss & i'm almost half way thru the withdrawal symptoms of a broken heart before I can start to move on & start a whole new beginning. But now Mr. Ex comes back & says he wants a 2nd chance & he will make it up to me & apologizes...

I only managed to pick up all my strength & self-respect in the last couple of months and told myself enough is enough. I wasn't happy in this kind of relationship & that this relationship is not making me happy. That I deserve a better man who isn't lazy to communicate & isn't afraid to love & romance me.

I don't know how I should handle this, how far I can actually eat into his comforting reassuring words. What should I tell him?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 15, 3:00AM,
Well dear, this is where a personal choice needs to be made - is he worth a second chance? If not, proceed accordingly. If so, the same applies.

If you don't feel that this man is capable of truly making you happy, if you feel that deep down in your gut, then my suggestion would be to not respond.

If you feel he is capable of a change, then when you're ready (and take your time, he said he'd be there, so put him to the test now and see if that's true - wait to respond) to respond, tell him you've decided to take him up on his offer to talk.

Have the talk and say what you need to say - and then drop that ball in his court and walk away. Do NOT go on a date that night. Walk away and show him that he has to PROVE to you that he's going to CHANGE via his ACTIONS and not just a bunch of sweet talk.

Walk away, go home and when he contacts you, hang back - don't jump on those calls and don't return them immediately, same with his texts. Put him to the test here, see if he's truly going to stick it out and prove this to you as he's promised by pursuing you properly.

Do not accept any invitations from him that are "buddy" type of dates. Only accept proper date invitations (he's going to take you to dinner, drinks a movie, whatever - just no hanging out at someone's home). This sets boundaries for how you expect to be treated by him and it will also help him to develop respect for you instead of taking it for granted that you're always going to be there for his lazy attempts.

Reward his positive treatment of you (accept those dates) - but DO NOT reward his less than stellar, lazy attempts and invitations (decline those invitations). This way, he knows what he has to do if he wants to see you.

Basically, if you agree to a second chance - he's got to PROVE himself to you - by starting from scratch. And it's up to YOU to signal that to him ;-)

Tiff720 said...

Hi M.O.A.... I have been doing some on-line dating. A few guys I have been frequently corresponding with wants to meet me. I'm pretty busy, but am able to ink them into my schedule. Now here is the issue, when the guy(s) wants to see me, I tell them a time of 8pm or 4pm(Saturday) for brunch/lunch, but they'll either imply that they already have something scheduled, blah blah blah. So, I let them know that that is the only time I'm available. That said, how should I respond to their text/email, when it seems like they're trying to get me to conform to their availablity and not mines?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

List at least two options, three is better. But make sure that they're at least 3 days advance notice and make sure that they're all times and dates you're comfortable with.

So say something like, "Yea, that'd be great, I'm looking forward to it. I'm available Wednesday at 7PM, Thursday at 3PM or Sunday at 1PM. Let me know which day works for you and I'll see you then."

If you give a man 3 options and his schedule is just so damn "busy" that he can't accommodate you for any of them - then you move to the following week. You don't move the dates UP, you move them BACK.

And if he's genuinely interested, he'll get the hint, he'll realize what that means. He'll see that "she's potentially slipping away from me here" and he'll clear his schedule or he'll suggest a 4th date and time that's convenient for BOTH of you.

And if he doesn't do that, move on. Because a man that's that busy, but is online date, is busy generally dating other women - lots of them, LOL. Because a man that's so damn busy that he doesn't have time to date - won't have joined an online dating site to date in the first place ;-)

Tiff720 said...

Hi M.O.A. He's been texting me. called me because "i said he doesn't call"; wrong response to tell me.so I have been out of his reach, M.I.A. he called me last night, left a voicemessage and texted me. I ignored all communication!i used to ignore my gut feelings, but have been following his actions and reflecting on past experiences, some things began to seem not right.I mean how can a person go from sounding so vivacious over the phone to when they get home, their tone of voice changes. Now he once told me that his "aunt" lives with him, so wasn't sure, but then this past Monday, while talking on the phone with him. He hangs up on me, (he says his phone dropped) now if that truly was the case, then I believe I should have heard a bunch of fumbling until the phone disconnected. After calling a few times, he calls me to tell me that "his phone had dropped and fell apart" yeah ok sure. but immediately, my gut feeling said someone (woman) walked in the room where he was so he hung up on me. Then he'll always imply how busy i am and that he didn't want to interrupt my busy day. Now to my experiences; it doesn't matter to a guy if the woman he is interested in is busy. he will find a way to communicate with her or see her NO MATTER HER CIRCUMSTANCES. he hasn't been doing either.I did a little investigation based from the information I've known about him and his vague responses to questions i've asked then his actions of always trying to pursue to have sex with me tells me otherwise. i specifically told him i cannot have sex with him becuase i didn't know him and i would like to see where this goes, but all his gropping shows otherwise.I think I am setting my boundaries/expectation for him to see and understand that i'm not going to make this easy, he's going to have to put in some work.especially knowing that he blantly makes an excuse to not call me or implies that i said he should call more often than text. i mean WTH!!! I don't think that's too much. I never knew he was interested in dating me until around my birthday. i've always looked at him as a "class buddy" nothing more nothing less. so before things get too deep, i had to nip in the butt!! and especially before my emotions/feelings become intertwined. who knows he may geniuely like me, he may have found himself getting attached faster than I or is very shy. I just don't know of a grown man that's shy. but then again, i'm not making any excuses for his behavior.I truly do not really no his living arrangements except from him saying that his "aunt" lives with him.. It may be true, but I do not know. He may be married, but separated (we've known of people like that), married and legally separated, divorced, he may be single for real or whatever the case may or may not be. i'm not going to put all of my ducks in one basket like i've been doing previously.

I just received a text from him this moring saying "Good morning I called you last night"... Now if he really wants me and he knows that I like him. I have to expect more and show him that my boundaries earns his respect. Therefore, I will not be responding to his text messages/phone calls. He'll have to do more than just 1 text & 1 phone call & 1 voice message to earn me to respond. Its all a matter now of him getting what he his give. The role has now been reversed. I respect myself more to not accept this kind of mistreatment from a man, back in my 20's i'll probably be wondering, chasing and etc, but now that i'm thinking back on those experiences and how I created and devalued myself. It's all a matter of work in progress for myself and the woman that I want to be; especially while dating and everything else to get to that point of having a relationship with a true man, sustaining it (lol) and getting married....

Since he realizes that I am not responding to him, although I want more of him, what should I be expecting from him?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, I wouldn't expect too much from this one. His behavior is already questionable and there's, I suspect as well, apparently another woman of some sort on the scene.

I think truthfully, I'd write this one off it were me. That's enough right there to say, "nah." :-(

Anonymous said...

hey i believe that Guys should initiate the texts as well generally. I have been dating with a guy for one and half month. We went on four dates. generally he is the one texting me first. I initiate once in a while. after our 4 th date he has not texted me for 3 days. I can not stop thinking of why he is not texting. on the other hand I hate initiating the text. but do u think if I should give a shot asking what he has been up to, or just wait and see if he is gonna text me ?
I know I should not text first until I m in a committed relationship but sometimes I feel like I m putting all burden on him, which makes me confused about having the text first.

Anonymous said...

I was texting with a guy to establish plans for a third date and he asked if I wanted to stay in or go out. I said, Let's go out. It's been over a day and I haven't heard back. I know that we're supposed to meet tomorrow night, but we don't have a time or place picked out yet. Why do guys disappear in the middle of making plans? Should I just hang back and wait to hear from him? In doing so isn't that just encouraging this bad texting behavior?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 23, 12:51PM,
"Should I just hang back and wait to hear from him? In doing so isn't that just encouraging this bad texting behavior?"

No dear - encouraging his bad behavior would amount to "tolerating" it (i.e. issuing no consequence for it). And when men do this, the consequence that you issue - is SILENCE and UNAVAILABILITY.

So in the early stages, to signal that this ISN'T okay with you - you "mirror" his behavior. Meaning, see how long it takes for him to contact you - and then, take that long and add one day - to contact him back.

He'll realize a few things from that:

1) You're not the type of woman to "jump" for a man and make yourself immediately available to him after he treats you poorly.

2) You have a full life and you're not sitting around waiting on a man - you have other things, people and places that also demand your time and attention.

3) Your time is valuable and if he wants some of it, he's going to have to schedule a date at least 3 days in advance with firm plans - otherwise, you're busy for the next 3 days (even if you aren't).

4) If he wants you to respect him and be available to him, then he has to do the same for you.

"Why do guys disappear in the middle of making plans?"

A lot of it is game playing and "player" tactics dear - when men behave like this - a GIANT RED FLAG should raise in your face. This is how men "hook" women and get them "addicted" to them - by fluffing them up, and then dumping them down. It tends to make insecure women become very anxious about losing the man - and then they begin to overcompensate for that fear of abandonment by TRYING HARDER to WIN HIM over (i.e. chase him).

Dr. Wendy Walsh refers to it as "short term reward strategies" in this video clip:


And what that amounts to is - at first, these guys make you feel great. They string you along a bit on that and then - POOF, they disappear.

Your insecurities surface and you become anxious about losing him and this causes a feeling of needing to "do" something to move the relationship along.

Then Voila' - he reappears. He makes lots of promises, talks about children, a future, etc. and gets you all "fluffed" up again.

And then BAM - he disappears and you topple off that pedestal he placed you upon initially and you hit the ground hard.

At this point, many women give "chase" and begin pursuing the man, effectively handing over their power to him.

Now - he's got you - right where he wants you.

And that's when the real games begin :-(

And this can go on for months if not years if a woman doesn't wise up to the game. And the entire time this is happening, psychologically, you find yourself "addicted" to him. He gives you so much to think about because of his crazy behavior that you find yourself constantly thinking about him, ways to land him, ways to make him commit, ways to fix this, ways to move this along, wondering what to do. . . .

You get the idea - you become OBSESSED psychologically.

And when that happens, the guy has it made in the shade with you and finds himself in a situation where he can come and go as he pleases, yanking your chains along the way and drifting in and out of your life randomly and recklessly.

When a guy behaves like this dear - and just drops off the face of the earth without explanation for a few days, a few weeks, a few months - it's always a BIG RED FLAG - and it signals that "bad boy" player methods are in use.

It's very manipulative and very deceptive and not healthy at all for the women involved.

Pisces Girl said...

And Mirror may i add when you become obsessed psychologically it really does consume you and take over your life in the most unhealthiest ways. The worst is when they can have so much power over you and your emotions- i would personally get anxiety and have hard times breathing and would feel like my heart was palpitating every time he did or said something to intentionally hurt me. Im not trying to sound dramatic here but he really did have the ability to cause me so much hurt both psychologically and physiologically especially when he would try to tear me down and make me feel insecure about myself and my life but somehow i would just become MORE obsessed with him and wanting to prove to him that he was wrong about me and that i was better than what he was saying and i wanted to prove that to him (yes he was a MAJOR asshole with many deep rooted issues). So i know first hand how obsessive thought patterns could literally ruin your life it's like your your own thoughts become your worst enemy because your mind becomes fixated on him and he becomes ALL you think about day and night- like you said an addiction- a very BAD addiction. And the worst is when your thoughts turn on you and blame you for everything when deep down you know better. ill admit im still trying to work through the obsessive thought patterns i experience daily but since he recently dropped the bomb on me that he was living and working out of town and sold his house in the city we live its kind of helped give the on and off thing we had going on for years a sense of finality. ill admit it still hurts like hell especially knowing that he may very well come back around again when things dont work out with his current girlfriend but right now all i can do to control my thoughts is work on bettering myself and loving myself and having goals other than trying to figure out ways to get him to want me/love me because Lord knows ive tried.
And sadly and shamefully this all started out as a friends with benefits thing... i thought no big deal hes definitely not mr right but he can be mr right now till i find someone better and now im dealing with the aftermath of that and its really tough.
Im just glad you touched on the topic because its really important for girls/women to know that if you allow something that you know in your heart and mind isnt real or isnt the best for you to continue dragging on month after month and sometimes year after year it can really wreak havoc on your life. They can somehow go along their merry little ways and never look back while we sit there obsessing feeling used and abused and so angry and yet despite all that hurt and pain they caused us STILL wonder if he will ever circle back around..it can really make a normally sane, smart girl feel like she's losin it.

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror, this may be a different post than most. But I've been seeing this guy for 5 months, and by month 3 I was pregnant. I'm no longer pregnant anymore. We aren't in a relationship but he keeps up with me all the time and we see each other once a week because he works 12 hour shifts... but he's a typical guy. Due to the emotional loss I had to ask him some questions but as usual guys get turned off by this. I'm asking you because I don't need his sympathy, I've dealt with things the best way I know how. I just need to know if we can weather this storm or should I just move on. It would be nice to work things out but we both have a lot of guilt between us. I'm 34 and no matter what I've been through I don't want to waste my time. He doesn't have much money so we don't get out much. We chill at the crib and watch movies, always leading up to sex. I can cut things off if I have to but I need your advice, thank you

Anonymous said...

I met a guy a month ago and we got talking and his been texting me asking if we could catch up but I delayed it because I had to leave town for a weekend and so we said we would catch up when I return. I wanted to text him when I returned but I heard he is a player and so I've kept away. But he saw me again at a club but i didnt go up and say hi coz he was in a group and well I wanted him to come to me as i was with a friends.And my friend told me he kept watching me the whole night and i could see his reflection at the glass door lol.You see what im saying is He knows I have a son n doesn't mind but I don't think he knows I like him coz I've been keeping my distance from him coz of wat I heard.Should I text him?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous October 23, 3:20AM,
No, I don't think you should and I've provided reasons for that in the article above.

Anonymous said...

What if you have made the mistake of over communicating with him :) Sharing too much, sending too much, initiating. I remember when mine would send me adorable good mornings. Now I send him the hi there...etc. Can a woman regain the upper hand or is it too late? He hasn't bolted and is still around. Disappears and appears :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous October 29, 3:35PM,
You can find what to do about (and how to handle, respond, etc.) a disappearing reappearing man here:


Paulitta said...

I have been dating a man for 6 weeks now, the last couple of dates I felt we were getting very close and felt more comfortable about texting, he had been planning and paying for everything, so I invited him to SUP and then he took me out for dinner. He kept holding my hand, we only had couple drinks, danced the night away, ended with kiss. Perfect night. He even texted me how much he enjoyed it, and I responded back thanks for the enchanted evening. Then the football game next day, we both really love the cowboys, and I texted can you believe we lost, he texted back, and I texted back about some details of the game. It has been 4 days now, so I texted him hey wanna join me on my hike this Sunday. I thought maybe he thought all I want is to be wined and dined, he spent a lot of money...and I am just letting him know I don't expect it. I thought we were at a new level. He even talking about inviting my kids to his farm, and how he had been sick but made sure he was late for the date. He hasn't responded to the text about the hike...and now I feel so bad for making that contact. I sure read him wrong. Now what?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Now what?"

Nothing dear. You don't need to do a thing.

Cease feeling the need to take control and nudge this along by "doing" things. Let HIM do something. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not - is to see if HE pursues HER ;-)

Anonymous said...

I could really use some advice, please! I began dating this guy a few weeks ago, and we seemed to really hit it off. He's been the one to initiate conversation and the dates, and he's been quite the gentlemen - opening doors, driving out of his way to pick me up, picking up the bill (even when I offer to split). He's told me that he enjoys my company and has made it a point to set up the next date before our prior date has even ended or right after it has ended. We became intimate and he was sweet and caring during and after. We spoke afterwards and I was the one to initiate plans for our next date; however, he was unable to make it and asked for a rain check. It's been a week and he hasn't contacted me. Should I contact him - is he waiting for me to reach out? Or should I leave it, if he really wanted to talk to me, he would have by now?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous November 3, 1:43AM,
Do not begin to pursue him dear. If you do that, you will only drive him further away. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not, is to see if he pursues her. (If he calls her repeatedly, if he asks to see her consistently, if he takes her on dates, etc.)

Anonymous said...

I'd also like to add that women are often shooting themselves in the foot with use of social media (Facebook). By "friending" a guy, and opening up your whole life to him, you're rushing the get-to-know-you process. He may feel pressured to accept the friend request even if he thinks it's too soon. You are not remaining mysterious to him, as you're offering up your whereabouts, awkward photos, complaining or grumpy status updates. If he's an attractive guy, he likely has a dozen or more women FB friends who are potentially "dateable", some of which are just throwing themselves at him... do you really want to be considered an option among many chicas who post cute kitty photos? Or do you want to be the mysterious woman who he's intrigued with?
Your call! :-)

Anonymous said...

Heey Mirror !
I was wonering ... what about 3years long distance relationship?! Texting is something really impotant thing to feel that you're close to the person .. But still any ideas ? Thank youu :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous November 14, 4:41AM,
Once you enter into a committed situation with a man, after he's proved to you that he's willing to work at things and has asked you for a commitment, then it's okay to step forward a bit - but just a bit. If you step forward too much and you then begin to take on the man's role by exhibiting masculine energy (leading, initiating), then you're going to step into the masculine role and he's going to be forced into the feminine role (submissive, responsive) - and men generally do not like that role, the feminine role. The only ones who do like it, are lazy players who don't intend to do the work required to maintain a committed relationship. They take what they can get and give very little in return. They string lots of women along simultaneously and as a result, they don't care if they're behaving submissive to them because it's simply easier that way and they generally don't intend to stick around and move things towards a commitment anyway.

Gentlemen prefer to be men, leaders. And there's a balance required in relationships of masculine and feminine energy. If the female steps into the lead role, she becomes the masculine energy. That then forces the man into the submissive feminine role, which is generally uncomfortable for man men (mature men). Regardless of the length of the relationship, the simple fact of the matter is that mature men, gentlemen, prefer to take the lead role as it gives them great pleasure to fulfill that natural role. If the woman takes over that spot for them, she takes the "fun" out of the relationship for the man because he's no longer leading and doing that which makes him feel "manly."

Alice Trellakis said...

Hi, I could really use your advice on this :)
A few weeks ago a guy who's a year older than me (he's a Scorpio senior in high school, I'm a Pisces and we go to different schools) that I've known for awhile and have always somewhat been interested in began asking me to hang out with him after we went to homecoming together. About two weeks ago, he seemed very interested in me and would be texting me almost daily, asking me to go out with him over the weekend, and even had gotten his friends to ask about my feelings about him. Whenever he initiated conversations with me via text (which was in all cases) he would usually text me back in a timely manner and I could kind of sense that he was genuinely happy and into talking to me. A week later he asked me out on a date, during that he gave me his full attention and seemed very interested by asking lots of questions about myself, had positive body language, eventually kissed me, asked for a 2nd date for the weekend, and followed up later that night of how great of a time he had. Though he still took the time to keep in touch with me in the days after our date, he's been slowly taking to me less, and taken longer to text back by frequently waiting to reply within 1-2 hours later (compared to literally minutes before). In person he's seems to be completely interested and attentive, but these days while initiating a conversation he would eventually not even reply back after exchanging a few messages. I know we're not yet in an exclusive relationship so I'm just trying to play things casual, but sometimes I get the feeling that he's just either trying to play mind games I or has maybe lost interest. Is the increased time he's taking to text back/not texting back at all an indication of losing interest or am I just overthinking things? If he lost interest, how can I get back that interest while texting him? And what should I do if he's just playing mind games? I really like him but I'm confused on whether or not he's sincerely into me but recently somehow trying to feel me out by testing me or pulling back, or possibly just stringing me along but doesn't really have anything for the future in mind. I'd really appreciate it if you helped out and I'd be interested in your input!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Is the increased time he's taking to text back/not texting back at all an indication of losing interest or am I just overthinking things?"

It may be, it may not be. The only way to tell is to let HIM pursue YOU. If he does not, then there's your answer.

"If he lost interest, how can I get back that interest while texting him?"

You can't. And if you chase him and initiate contact with him and attempt to take the lead role here (his role) and control this, all that's going to do is cause him to pull away. You can't make someone love you, like you, want to be with you or care for you dear. They have to want that too. And if they don't, you don't try harder. You accept the reality of the situation and you move on.

"I really like him but I'm confused on whether or not he's sincerely into me"

The only way to know if he's genuinely interested or not is to see if HE pursues YOU. And in order for that to happen, you can't contact him. If you do, then he has no opportunity to PROVE himself and his interest to you.

Read this piece, it's written by a man:


Anonymous said...

MOA- i love your article and responses. My question is this what if you have started/set up the dynamic with a man where you are the one primarily initiating text? How can you change it? Thanks!! :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous November 20, 2:56PM,
"How can you change it?"

Easily. Cease doing it - period. Create some space and give him the opportunity to step into it in order to move closer towards you. If he does not do that - then you have your answer.

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested in her, is to see if HE pursues HER. Read this piece, written by a man:

Don't Initiate Contact

Anonymous said...

wow,this website is very useful. i am still up by now at 12:18am still wondering why he hadn't contacted me yet. My aunt has suggested me this guy friend of hers in the U.S. while i am now in Hong Kong.She personally knew for 20yrs already. My aunt could be desperate for me to settle down and i am in the right age and very available for a relationship for 5yrs already. I maybe an aggressive type that is why men shy away from me. I tend tk be controlling and initiator...Sometimes I tend to say that if i were a boy then i might be able to live a girl and show her how to love. Well,i accepted the friend suggestion of my aunt and i sent this guy a message saying that "oh so you are the guy that my aunt has been talking about" the following day i initiated a good morning to him and he replied back...he cut the conversation because he needs to aleep because he need to pick up his friend from the airport. So i waited the following day (that is today) and he hasn't replied yet...This time I am firm on my stand that he has ti initiate by now... am i right for doibg so consideribg we are still in getting to know. (we have shared few conversations already but haven't seen on cam or talk on the phone just yet)

Anonymous said...

Another great article Mirror. I strongly believe that a man who sincerely is interested in you he would put for the effort in calling, texting, making time for you, etc. But I do have a question regarding when you should contact the man first. When he's consistantly contacting you for about a few weeks, is it ok to text him "hey what's up how's it going" instead of a simple good morning/night text? I understand that a man must put in the work if he wants to win a woman over, but I also feel like communication is a two way street. So once he's put in the effort to get to connect with me on a emotional level, it is ok to bring my guard down and actually start reaching out to him more?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 3, 10:37 AM,
I wouldn't make it a habit if you do begin to do that - at least not until you're entered in a commitment of some sort (dating exclusively, he asked for a committed relationship, etc.)

Because even months later - men vanish. Everything can be fine for two months and then that third month comes and poof, he's gone. And most times, upon reflection, this disappearance somewhat coincides with the point in which the woman began taking more control, initiating more and attempting to lead the relationship more. . .into "relationship territory" if ya' know what I mean.

And once a man sense that the woman is pushing for, expecting and/or attempting to take control and progress things more towards a fully fledged "relationship" --- before a relationship is even something he wants or has even considered . .men have a tendency to withdrawel from that, distance themselves and pull back.

So prior to exclusivity and commitment - small doses only.

Remember, it's a dance. If you step too far forward, a person's natural tendency is to step back. Men experience "feelings" during periods of absence, unlike women who experience them during togetherness. If you want him to "feel" for you - you have to allow periods of absence from him. You have to give him something to think about, like where you are, who you're with, what you're doing, etc. If you're rushing towards him and up in his face all the time and communicating heavily constantly. . .he has no space to feel anything and he has absolutely nothing to think about - because you're presenting him with your entire world, daily.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror I'm just reflecting on my behaviour with reference to a DM and the comments you gave to another lady

'And most times, upon reflection, this disappearance somewhat coincides with the point in which the woman began taking more control, initiating more and attempting to lead the relationship more. . .into "relationship territory" if ya' know what I mean.

'And once a man sense that the woman is pushing for, expecting and/or attempting to take control and progress things more towards a fully fledged "relationship" --- before a relationship is even something he wants or has even considered . .men have a tendency to withdrawel from that, distance themselves and pull back'.

It got me thinking that I subtlely see myself in parts of what you've said and how it may well have attributed to the disappearance of this particular man in question. Even though at the time I wasn't fully aware that I was doing this and clearly not in control of my own behaviour... it is a learning curve. I've done no contact with him and I'm continuing to move forward and dating/chatting to other men and it is going ok but still learning lots as I go along :)

My question is: if the cause of this man's disappearance was due to me indirectly but him thinking that I was trying to get him into a relationship or/and expect relationship treatment is there any possibility that he may return at some stage or would I have blown it by scaring him off?? Bearing in mind I have disappeared off the face of the earth for nearly two months now ;) It's just I would hate to think that I had blown it because of my stupid behaviour, although I'm only responsible for my mine and not his stupid behaviour :) as he played a part too.

Thank you

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 3, 6:22 PM,
Don't beat yourself up dear. Because the reality is that had anyone really expected something from him, such as a relationship, the same exact thing probably would've happened. It's not your fault that someone isn't ready for a relationship and/or mature enough to react accordingly.

But in life, you do have to remember, man or woman, that when you step forward, the others natural tendency is to step back. When you charge at something, it's natural tendency is to turn tail and run, away from the oncoming threat. So just remember that when you want to draw someone towards you, rushing at them is not the way to go about that. Instead, take a cue from them and hang back a bit, leave a bit of mystery, don't share every little thing and don't communicate about every little thing - leave some space there - for them to step forward into :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, @Anonymous Dec 3, 6:22 PM,

Thank you for your words of wisdom, it helps to get some perspective from what you say and I agree he was not relationship ready, mature enough, possibly not even relationship material at this point. Although he said he wanted a relationship, in reality it was probably a only a relationship of sorts, an arrangement :) as he had an issue about being under ball and chain LOL but secretly had an issue with control and getting his own way.

I did my best I could at the time I was misled by him with his charm and I had a time handling his shenanigans/red flags and it fell apart at the seems. I suppose the fact that I do want a relationship and the fact that I found someone I liked after many years of abstinence sort of created on some level rushing towards it as you describe. Now I can try and put it behind me and learn from that with any future men that come my way :)

thank you

Anonymous said...

After first date one week ago he texted me three different days and we sent a few quick messages each time. The second time he asked me out again. I could make either date and he said "Well, we'll figure it out". I know at I should have suggested another day but didn't think of it. I don't want him to think I am blowing him off. Can I initiate a text?

Anonymous said...

Hello, I am a 20 year old guy, and I really don't know why I read you article I stumbled upon it by accident and found it interesting to possibly get a glimpse of the other side ;)

I want to share my personal situation for the ladies out there to possibly understand men's side a bit better. There is a chick who is always texting me and asking to come over and telling me about every bit of pointless drama in her life. I won't go near her because I know she is batshit. So, on that side I definitely think you are giving good advice.

There is the other extream though. There is a girl who lives about 40 miles away from me. This one I really like, and I think she acts in the way this article supports. She rarely initiates contact, she turns down my advances in a non offensive, playful way.
Heres the thing, however. I enjoy texting her while Im at work, it makes my job less crap. Also, I know I've done some incredible things for my age, and I live a fairly awsome life. I know what I'm worth and what I've accomplished, and I am eager and willing to share the lifestyle I've built with this one.
It's been about 5 times now that we've spent time together, shes always awsome company, but I've gotten generally nowhere. So im at the point where I'm done. Not because I dont like her or I'm not genuine in my intentions, but I don't feel like she knows my worth or is excited to be with me.

I feel this way because she acts like you are telling women to act. So for the ladies I would say listen to the advice, you do not want to be the crazymaker, you will get used, but tread a fine line you have to show a guy that he is valuable to you as well.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous 20 Year Old Male,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I agree with you. The point of this article is for women to "filter" men who are genuinely interested (to avoid being used because they're too eager and too willing), and then, once the situation has progressed and they've established trust with the man - then, and only then, can they step forward a bit (but not too much because again, appearing too eager tends to get women used).

"If he’s in communication regularly and he seems really interested in moving the relationship forward (via his actions, not his words) then it’s ok to reach out but only once in a while."

It's more or less about "slow and steady wins the race" and not rushing into anything, while letting the man be a man. Because we don't want this, "There is a chick who is always texting me and asking to come over and telling me about every bit of pointless drama in her life. I won't go near her because I know she is batshit." LOL ;-)

And regarding your situation, I understand why you're not moving forward. Because again, at some point once some "trust" is established and the man has proved he's genuinely interested, reciprocation in some form is expected. And if you feel you've proved yourself genuinely interested, not disrespected her and/or played games, and she's not responding in a positive manner, then that says something and I suppose it says she's not interested in a relationship and possibly not ready for one :-(

But don't you find it interesting that the one you're really attracted to. . .is the one that's NOT responding as you'd expect? Hehe ;-)

Also, keep in mind this article really more or less applies to the very early stages of a dating situation. Naturally, once trust is established, things would organically progress in small, slow stages.

Anonymous said...

What do you think about a man that only contacts me every four or five days? Everyone says he's just not that into me if he does that.

Unknown said...

I'm so glad I found your articles. They are so eye-opening. I'm going to re-read them over the next few days to make sure they really sink in! I fully admit that I have been the female "aggressor," probably all of my dating life. Mainly because I am a very direct, to-the-point person, and I don't like to beat around the bush. I don't like innuendos, or hints; I'd rather both sides just put it all out there on the table. Apparently I am in the minority with this. This is what I think I will struggle with the most as I learn to adopt these new communication habits of letting HIM come to ME. I'm impatient, I won't even pretend otherwise. But, practice makes perfect, right! And lucky me, there's a guy in the picture now on whom I can practice.

This is a guy I work with. Our shifts overlap by only four hours, and we each work only 3 days a week (we're both employees in the ER). He gave me his number at work one day a few months back, and asked me to text him so he'd have my number. I was only slightly interested in him at the time, but I did it anyway because he was standing right there. He would text me here and there, and asked me a couple of times if I wanted to hang out. I turned him down each time, and then by the third time he asked me, I had started seeing a guy, (and didn't really want to date anyone besides that guy) and told him so. He was very gracious about it and wished me good luck. I didn't hear from him, other than crossing paths at work, until that relationship with that guy started winding down. My interest in him was also rising. The night that I broke up with that guy, I immediately let him know. The next day he asked me if I wanted to get together to hang out. It ended up being about a week before we were actually able to get together outside of work, and we hung out at his place, sitting outside drinking wine and talking, and kissing a little. We ended up having sex--not something I'd planned or even though would happen, but it did. He seemed slow to make a move on me though, and actually said "You make me nervous." When I asked why, he said it was because he hadn't had sex in almost 3 months (something he'd also mentioned a few days prior during a conversation).

Unknown said...

Well, nobody has to tell me that that was a mistake on my part, giving it up so soon. Since then, the amount that he initiates communication has dropped drastically, and the amount he responds to MY initiations of communication has also dropped drastically. I've seen him one time since that night, one week later, same scenario as the first: sitting outside his place talking, having some wine, having sex, laying around talking some more, and then I go home. Still after that second get-together his communication is far, far less than what it was before we ever hung out outside of work. I've seen him at work once since these two encounters, and he treats me the same as he always has: a hug, a cheek-kiss (he's Latin and we're in Miami so everybody here kisses on the face), and being as friendly and personable as always. However when it comes to texting, he now rarely responds. So I guess my test is to hold back, as he is now obviously holding back. AND to stop being so blunt! After he left work the other night, and I was still there for the remaining 8 hours of my shift, I texted him a short humorous message, and he promptly responded "lol," and then I texted him asking him to call me later that night or the next day to talk, because I felt like he felt nervous or something when he's around me and that I wanted to know why. He promptly responded and said "I don't feel nervous around you just need to get some things taken care of so I'm a little off." I then texted him, in my usual straightforward, let's-just-put-all-our-cards-on-the-table manner and said "I just like you. I like being around you." And then "I'm just kinda uncertain what you think about ME, though. You're sort of hard to read. Which is also why I kinda wanted to talk to you on the phone." He gave no response to that. Arrrrgh. I see my error now. Putting myself WAY too out there.

So is my only card that I have left to play now that I immediately cease any further communication initiations? And just wait to see how he responds to that? We will likely cross paths at work again, but when our shifts do coincide, we don't often work closely or side by side. Like we'll just pass each other in the halls or something. Only every once in a long while do we end up working in the same area of the department, and work more closely together (he's a paramedic, I'm a nurse, we both do direct patient care). I figure I'll behave toward him at work as always, cheerful and friendly and pleasant, sometimes a little flirty. But I suppose all I can do is pull all the way back and give him the chance to come to me, right? If he doesn't, then I know he was never that interested, or just lost any interest that he did have. However, if he DOES come back, how do I handle it? Take a day to respond, or a few hours? Turn down an invite to hang out again? I don't want him to think that I'VE lost interest and give up if I turn him down one time. But I guess, in looking at the history of his behavior, it seems clear that he'll try again if I say No the first time, since I said No the first couple times he asked me, a few months back.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I'd rather both sides just put it all out there on the table"

I realize that and yes, while it'd be much easier, the reality is that - it takes the "fun" out of dating for most men. Meaning, dating and courtship is much like a subtle dance. The fun of it is in the actual dance, the subtle back and forth push and pull, the thrill of the chase and the unknown - that is not spoken. It's the unspoken and the challenge of overcoming that that men truly find enjoyable. Much like sports and competition, the thrill of encountering something that's undecided and as yet undetermined, and overcoming that challenge as a "winner" of sorts and coming out on top with the prize (you.) Skipping over that part would be akin to having a team member walk out onto the sports field, be handed a ball and an open shot to a winning goal. . .and then walking off the field. EARNING that win is MUCH more enjoyable, rather than simply skipping over the steps in between and being handed the win right then and there, ya' know? Men actually ENJOY the steps in between and the challenge of not knowing how you feel and winning you over in the process. It's what makes them feel victorious ;-)

"we hung out at his place"

Careful dear. That's not a real date, that's a "buddy" situation that will quickly lead you into "F buddy" territory and not a legitimate committed relationship. And most situations that begin as "buddy" situations fizzle out by about the third month. That's a "hookup," unfortunately, it's not a date :-( And hooking up and dating are two entirely different things.

"sitting outside his place talking, having some wine, having sex, laying around talking some more, and then I go home."

Unless you're looking for a hookup dear, do NOT accept LAME date invitations like that, where the man doesn't have to lift a finger for you to receive "rewards" from you. He hasn't EARNED anything here, yet he's receiving rewards, ya' know?

"I then texted him, in my usual straightforward, let's-just-put-all-our-cards-on-the-table manner and said "I just like you. I like being around you." And then "I'm just kinda uncertain what you think about ME, though. You're sort of hard to read. Which is also why I kinda wanted to talk to you on the phone." He gave no response to that. Arrrrgh. I see my error now. Putting myself WAY too out there."

Well, even more noteworthy dear is this, and you're not going to want to hear this but it's critical so it needs to be understood. . .you're expecting a "hookup" situation to lead to a "relationship" situation. If you want a relationship, there is a very distinct path to follow to reach that destination (traditional courtship rituals that adhere to traditional gender roles):


The path of the hookup will lead you to a different destination (a brief fling). So what you need to understand is, how you begin a relationship, directly determines how it will end and the destination that is reached. If you want a relationship, you follow the path of traditional courtship. If you want a fling, you follow the path of a hookup. A hookup will not lead to a relationship :-( It's like wanting to land in Alaska, but boarding a flight to Hawaii. A flight to Hawaii (hookup) will not help you reach your ultimate destination of Alaska (committed relationship). Only the flight to Alaska (traditional courtship) will see you eventually land there.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It must be understood that hookups and dating are two entirely different things. When a man hooks up with a woman, he doesn't have to lift a finger for her. As a result, since it was easy, he tends not to value her as much as he would if say, he had to work to earn the rewards first (much like a sports competition) I'm sorry :-( When things come relatively easy, it's human nature to tend to take it for granted. When things are earned through hard work and determination, they are valued much higher. It's one of the 9 fundamental laws of persuasion and retailers and manufacturers use it all the time - the Law of Scarcity:

"Sometimes people make themselves overly available to someone they are attracted to by showing them with affection, but this over availability sometimes causes the opposite reaction to occur--the person actually places a lower value on the person because it is in abundance. If the other person believes that you are highly desired by others, hence, you're demand outweighs your supply, then your value will go up.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/184783"

"I suppose all I can do is pull all the way back and give him the chance to come to me, right?"

Yes, that will tell you if he's genuinely interested or not.

"if he DOES come back, how do I handle it? Take a day to respond, or a few hours? Turn down an invite to hang out again?"

I wouldn't jump on it immediately and be too available to this man because if you do that, he'll take you for granted (because your availability is in abundance to him). And I would definitely turn down lame date offers to hang out on his sofa. I'd instead suggest dinner and a night out and for him to treat you like a lady. If he balks at that and refuses or makes excuses to NOT treat you special, then that's a big red flag that he's a lazy guy seeking free and easy sex without lifting a finger to get it.

"I don't want him to think that I'VE lost interest and give up if I turn him down one time"

If he gives up that easy dear. . .then he's not genuinely interested :-( Learn to place a higher value on yourself. Tell yourself that YOU are WORTH IT. YOU DESERVE a nice dinner and special treatment and if he can't provide that for you, then that's HIS loss, not yours.


Unknown said...

Thank you for the very frank response. Definitely things I needed to hear. And they're not concepts that are foreign to me in the least....but for some reason I have never really enacted these behaviors that you're reminding me I DO need to exhibit, such as insisting on "real" dates instead of invites to come over and hang out in the living room. My girlfriend and I were discussing this the other day: that it seems to be becoming more and more difficult to get a man to TRY. To get him to ask us to dinner instead of to just come over. To get him to CALL us on the phone than send texts. She said "Trying to get a dinner invitation is like trying to get a f*cking marriage proposal." Humorous, but not entirely untrue! And I don't put all the blame entirely on men. Us ladies hold some responsibility too, because we are ACCEPTING his minimal-effort attempts at being with us. I don't exactly why, or when, this balance of power shifted, and men started having the upper hand over us, but I definitely see it. The only thing I can do is change my behaviors and start demanding more. Hopefully some other women will follow suit, and men will start behaving like gentlemen again. I saw something on Facebook recently that said "Maybe more men would act like gentlemen if more women acted like ladies." Very true words.

Unknown said...

And in regards to the man in question, my coworker from whom I accepted invitations to just "hang out," I'll continue to be distant from him, and see how he responds to that. I don't think this is a bad guy with mean or selfish intentions. He comes from a loving, close-knit family, he's devoted to taking care of his aging parents (by living in the efficiency unit of their house so that he can be close to them when they need help), he's a hard worker, working his tail off at work every day, and he's a genuinely kind, friendly, helpful person. Before we ever really started communicating much outside of work, he told me, at work one day, that he was tired of dating, that he just wanted to "find one good girl, settle down with her, maybe have a couple of kids." Hearing that was like a breath of fresh air. And I think that's part of the reason I sold myself short to him. I figured he was in "relationship mode," and that it didn't matter what KIND of date we had, because he was looking for someone who was girlfriend material. I can only hope I didn't completely ruin his vision of me as potential girlfriend material by being too easy and too available. And of course, I didn't INTEND to be too easy or too available, I just did what felt good at the time. But I see now, in retrospect, what a big mistake I made. There may be a small chance of salvaging this, but probably a bigger chance of not. :-/ Oh well. I like this guy quite a bit, he has some very good qualities (and he's just so darn CUTE) but I'm not especially emotionally invested. Time, and my calculated behavior, will tell how this all plays out. Thank you again for your very helpful input.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"My girlfriend and I were discussing this the other day: that it seems to be becoming more and more difficult to get a man to TRY."

Ugh, it pains me to have to say this because I, too, am a woman and I don't like to place blame. I'm not entirely blaming women, but consider this for a moment. . .if women didn't give in so easily and with such little effort from the man on their behalf - they would be FORCED to man up.

So when one asks the question, "Why aren't men trying to impress?" The answer is in the fact that - WOMEN AREN'T REQUIRING THEM TO :-(

If a man is used to getting what he wants without lifting a finger 97% of the time, then why would he ever feel compelled to kick it up a notch, ya' know? If you get the milk WITHOUT buying the cow, why would you ever feel the need to pay for the cow, when the milk is already being received for free?

As much as I hate to say this, if women would require more from the man first, they'd be forced to try harder. The reality, as much as it pains us, is that the KEY to this. . .lies within OURSELVES and NOT the men. The reality is that men are now living in an over-sexed condition, being rewarded 97% of the time (receiving sex), for being lazy (for doing nothing). Which is the reason why I often advise women to NOT reward bad behavior, poor treatment and laziness - with more of your time, more of your attention and sex. When you do that, all that ends up happening is a reinforcement of the lazy behavior, instead of demanding more and reinforcing them to man up.

I often use this example. Imagine you have a puppy and it has peed on the floor. Do you reward it for this bad behavior by giving it a treat or picking it up and kissing it all over? No. Instead, you place the puppy outside and you reinforce the association with isolation and the need to be outdoors when relieving themselves. If you do give that puppy a treat after peeing on your floor and you do pick it up and kiss it - guess what? You're puppy is always going to pee on the floor. You are signaling to the puppy that peeing on the floor grants it rewards (kisses, treats and your attention). Ultimately, you come to the realization that, as much as it may hurt, it's in both the puppy's and YOUR best interest, to reinforce boundaries and the necessity for consequences after bad behavior. Otherwise, you end up with a misbehaving puppy on your hands that drives you mad - and it's your fault because you did not do the hard work required to instill the proper behavior :-( As much as it pains you to have to be "mean" to the puppy, you eventually realize that you have to, in order to have a well-balanced and obedient pet.

Harsh I know and yes, being a woman myself, it pains me to have to say that women are probably the cause of this phenomenon of lazy men. But the reality we must face is that - WE HOLD THE KEY. We have created this new influx of lazy men in society by not demanding proper treatment prior to them receiving rewards :-( Some will probably blast me for this, especially the staunch feminists. However, if we, as women, continue to deceive ourselves here with this - the we, as women, continue to be deceived.

"To get him to ask us to dinner instead of to just come over."

Don't accept lame date invitations. Instead, respond with something like, "I'd love to see you. But I've had a long week and I'd prefer to go out and let loose a bit. How about we meet for dinner at _____ at 7:00 instead?"

If he balks at that or makes an excuse, you simply say, "Oh okay, I see. Well no worries, my girlfriends mentioned getting together anyway. So maybe next time when you're available."

You remain pleasant, cheerful, kind, enthusiastic and a joy to be around, but at the same time, you signal that if the man wants to see you, he needs to make an attempt to fulfill your needs. If the man wants something FROM you, he must be willing to give something TO you.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"To get him to CALL us on the phone than send texts"

You simply stop responding to the texts. You say something to the effect of, "All this typing is wearing me out, how about you just ring me instead?" And if he doesn't and he continues to text, you stop responding and you FORCE him to call you if he wants your attention.

"Trying to get a dinner invitation is like trying to get a f*cking marriage proposal."

Yes, but how is SHE trying? Is she doing anything to signal that that's what she requires if she's to spend time with a man? Is she refusing lame date offers and forcing the man to fulfill her needs prior to seeing him? If not, then she's not really trying :-( Dating nowadays is not for the feint of heart. If you don't want to be trampled, run over and left for dead - you have to toughen up a bit. And I don't mean by being mean and demanding. I mean by learning to say "NO" nicely and setting healthy boundaries for yourself:


"Us ladies hold some responsibility too, because we are ACCEPTING his minimal-effort attempts at being with us."


"I don't exactly why, or when, this balance of power shifted, and men started having the upper hand over us, but I definitely see it."

Well, I've touched on this before and it's a touchy subject. Understand this though - I do consider myself a feminist. However, I consider myself a feminist in the true form. I believe that the feminist movement of the late 60's and early 70's began to create this phenomenon. Women began to assert themselves more and the men born after that movement witnessed it and therefore, accepted the change.

But the problem is this - many women misinterpret the feminist movement and what it stood for. Many women erroneously believe that that movement meant that. . . .women were now free to act as men. And while that is true to an extent, you have to realize that the feminist movement wasn't geared towards dating and relationships as much as it was to:

"refers to a series of campaigns for reforms on issues such as reproductive rights, domestic violence, maternity leave, equal pay, women's suffrage, sexual harassment, and sexual violence, all of which fall under the label of feminism."

Notice that NONE of the feminists movement stood for anything related to dating and mating. None of the feminist movement's causes were about the interaction between men and women. Yet many over the years have misinterpreted this movement to mean that women are now free to behave as men (take the lead and exhibit masculine energy) when interacting with men. If men wanted to date men, that's what they'd do. If men were attracted to masculine energy, this would all be okay. But the reality is that men are attracted to feminine energy (submissive). That doesn't mean you have to roll over and play dead, but it does mean that adhering to traditional gender roles is still important. It does mean that men like to lead and they prefer a woman to choose to follow their lead or not.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And realize that gentlemen, true gentlemen, even if in the lead role, will NOT abuse that. They will still confer with the woman in their life on major decisions, they will still seek her input and reaction for how she wants to be treated and they will feel challenged to fulfill those needs. Only mature men abuse that leading power, true gentlemen view it as equality with female input taken into consideration. Much like how a gentlemen, during dinner out, will ask you what you're having before the waiter comes, and then order for you (yes, it still happens and I've had this happen quite a bit with myself). He's not TELLING you what you're eating for dinner. He's ASKING you what you WANT for dinner, and then he's being the man by ordering it for you, taking the lead and making sure you get what you want.

"There may be a small chance of salvaging this, but probably a bigger chance of not"

All may not be lost dear. Stay silent and give him plenty of space and time to see if he misses your company. Because here's something else crucial to realize - men, unlike women, "feel" emotions during periods of ABSENCE, not togetherness. So if you want a man to "feel" something for you, the reality is that you have to give him plenty of SPACE to experience those feelings. If you're constantly on his radar, he has no space to feel anything for you. He has no chance and no opportunity to experience feelings. Space is a requirement for men to "feel" their emotions, which is why many require it and even ask for it.

Many a man has said, "Let me miss you a little bit."

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Correction: "Only mature men abuse that leading power, true gentlemen view it as equality with female input taken into consideration."

I meant "only immature men abuse that leading power"

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your post... I have been dating now for 2.5 years... it started out I didnt want to commit after a bad break up of 15 years... im not hot or even thin... but i can get plenty of dates... and i have juggled them just as stated and still do... I know many other women who also juggle. I dont feel its hard for men to find a woman to keep, i feel it is hard for women to find and keep him. I do agree that men seem to like more confident women, that is probably why they go after the hot skinny ones because most of them would have more confidence... as for me, i had been in a horrible relationship and have had to build up my self esteem, and in fear of having another relationship like that, i do get scared, but i do need the attention... OMG its not neediness, i LOVE the attention. I never had that in my bad relationship. And when a guy gives me attention and i feel an attraction, yep i go overboard on texts and wanting to see him, and YEP the writer of this article is correct, i scare them away... and what is so wrong with wanting to be needed and having affection? IF i were HOT and skinny, i wouldnt have to work so hard for it... i am a confident woman, i know im awesome, i believe i am a pretty girl with a heart of gold... looks are not everything but in society they are... we want love... why do men have to be so complicated? At one time me and this man had a sexual relationship prior to how it is now, he stopped talking to me for a month cuz things got too weird for him... now i dont get the snuggles, cuddles, and kisses as i once did from him... i admit his kisses were awesome!! He is the best kisser i think i have ever had, and it electrifies me... omg... i do date others... so again the author is correct... many woman dont, but i do believe many woman do... i know many who do... and for me it goes back to wanting that attention... do i need a man? Hell no, i want one... i dont need a man to take care of my home, my kids, or my life... i just want one for attention, affection, cuddles, and maybe one day love... not for sure on that, as i dont really want a committment with one person yet... im confusing aint i? lol... tell me about it... im fun, wild, crazy, super great heart, funny, ADHD, and weird... and i love me!! Just wonder if i will be capable of finding that one person who can accept me for me, and that i dont settle again... i fear i will do that... so author, give me advice... advice you think i can follow... i need baby steps...

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror Aphrodite...Got a question on texting a guy. I grew up in a small town, moved to a much larger city a few hours away. I am very successful, a model, have a great career, independent, etc. A guy I went to high school with and I found each other online and we started texting 2 weeks ago. We text every day, he sends sweet messages like good morning beautiful, or i'm thinking about you, etc. I told him I would go back home to see my family and see him as well, leaving on a Saturday...On Thursday night, he never texts me (which is strange he usually always has some comment to make) I waited until noon on Friday, no text. I finally gave in and said "hey hope your having a great day, TGIF!!" a few min later he responded with "i had meeting this morning i'm late on my good morning text to you ha! how is your day?"...I waited 30 min to respond and said "work is good today, very slow. Anxious about getting back home"....He responded 30 min later asking my thoughts on who would win a football game!!! ...I waited a hour and gave my prediction. that was it. ha!...I am confused because I figured he would be very excited to see me, if anything he would be texting me more, and show that he is interested and excited to see me for the first time in over 10 years! (he still lives in our small town we grew up in, got in trouble with the cops and is on probation, he is clean and sober now has standard job...I grew up to have a flourishing modeling career) I am thinking maybe he is getting scared or nervous about seeing me? maybe he is having 2nd thoughts of me seeing him thinking i won't like him?

Anonymous said...

"Men like that are players and they will send all their friends your naked photos. Trust me, I’ve seen hundreds from my male friends. "

It does bother me that women that put themselves out there as women of value are friends with men like this. If we / you keep being friends with them, how does that help them to curb that kind of behavior? If we keep gifting them with our affection, how are they supposed to understand that what they're doing is not acceptable?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous January 13, 11:26AM,
If I relinquished 37+ year childhood friendships simply based on a portion of the individuals technology conduct, most likely, I'd have no friends in this day and age, LOL. Additionally, I cannot place 100% of the blame on the man because the woman also bears some responsibility here for HER conduct as well. If you don't want to risk others seeing you nude, then you don't conduct yourself like this - period - you simply don't take the risk. Because when folks break up and/or things go sour, this stuff happens. Additionally, women who do this sort of stuff, no matter how much the man says he respects her, trust me, they don't respect a woman that's conducting herself like this and I think that's part of the reason why they don't sweat it when they show friends the images. I'm not saying it's right for the man to do that - but I'm also not saying it's right for a woman to conduct herself like that either, particularly if she wants to be respected as a woman.

I'm a woman and I will say (as much as it pains me to say this). . .trashy behavior doesn't garner the respect of others. If you disrespect yourself, then you can expect to be disrespected. It might not be fair, but wise folks know it to be true.

"If we / you keep being friends with them, how does that help them to curb that kind of behavior?"

You cannot control others dear. The only thing you can control is your reaction to them. And yes, when I see this, they get an ear beating from me and yes, I get harsh, and yes, I cut them off at the knees verbally for doing so. These are 37+ year friendships we're talking here, not some dudes I met a few months ago, which is why they tolerate me ripping them down during these events and take what I say to heart. But I always get the same reaction from them in their defense and it's one women should LISTEN to and not try to dismiss and that reaction from them is, "Hey, she's the one sending me naked pictures of herself."

They ALL point to how the woman VALUES HERSELF first (hint hint).

And it's interesting to note as well that the women who conduct themselves like this always end up a "F buddy" or a "hookup" to these men - they DO NOT enter into relationships with these types of girls, the only have sex with them. And that's another thing I hear often from them when this happens. They all point out the fact that they are NOT entering into a relationship with a girl like that. Having sex with her, yes. A relationship, no. And one of the deciding factors for them to downgrade the woman to an "occasional" fling is the fact that she even sent naked images in the first place. It's almost like a test for them. They test the woman's value of herself by seeing if she'll disrespect herself and actually do this. Once she does, she's instantly downgraded to "F buddy" or occasional "hookup" status. They don't take them "home to see mama" if you get my drift. And the deciding factor for them as to whether or not to take the woman seriously as relationship potential versus hookup potential - was based almost entirely on the woman's own conduct. . .does she act like a dignified woman with real relationship potential or does she act trashy, like a girl who's "down to F_ck?" (Yep, they've actually said that.) They all point out that respectable women DO NOT disrespect themselves.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

So when I tear into a man showing those images and then they hit me with those very valid points about the woman's own conduct - what the heck am I suppossed to say, ya' know? They're right - and they have a VERY valid point there. I cannot toss 37+ year friendships out the window and place 100% of the blame on the men because some woman simply displayed poor judgment in her conduct, ya' know? It's hard to bash men that are disrespecting women that disrespect themselves because. . .it's not fair to do so when there's equal blame.

Again, not condoning this behavior - but instead, LEARNING from it (how the male mind works and how they place value on you by paying close attention to how YOU value YOURSELF first.)

"how are they supposed to understand that what they're doing is not acceptable?"

I think you're missing the point. They ALREADY understand it's not acceptable. . .but on the same token, they ALSO feel it's really not acceptable for a woman who demands respect - to be flat out disrespecting herself in this manner. So there's a mentality here of, "Hey, if she disrespects herself like this, then what does it matter if I disrespect her? She doesn't care about herself, so why should I?" Again, I'm not condoning that, but the reality here is that if you want others to respect you - THEN YOU MUST RESPECT YOURSELF FIRST.

That's the entire point of this article. . .I'm attempting to translate that concept here. . . .the concept of value. VALUE YOURSELF if you want OTHERS to VALUE YOU as well.

I mean let's face it, it's simple logic. You cannot act trashy and then expect to be respected (and yes, men generally consider that trashy behavior, whether they like the girl or not). You cannot explode emotionally twice a week and then expect others to consider you stable. You cannot beat your kids and then call yourself a great parent. You cannot drink seven days a week and lose relationships and jobs over it and then proclaim you're not an alcoholic. You cannot get into bar fights every weekend and then expect people to think you're rational.

You have to align your behavior and your conduct with the impression that you want others to have of you. And the impression that others have of you all starts with YOUR OWN impression of yourself and your personal conduct.

The impression that others have of you and the value they place on you all starts with how YOU value YOURSELF:


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 10, 4:50 PM,
There could be a multitude of reasons he's pulled back dear and without knowing more about him or his personal situation, it's impossible to tell. It could be a test or manipulation to get YOU to pursue HIM. Don't fall for it. If he wants you, he knows where to find you ;-)

Unknown said...

i have this friend that i met many year ago i visited him in his country in 2010 and he pay all my hotel bills but i didnot even kiss him until i left his country. after i came back to my country we were communicating for three month until he met my friend and stop calling me. i saw again in 2013 after four year and he was happyto see me and said that i dump him and that he still love me. he send me sms once every week, What do i do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"we were communicating for three month until he met my friend and stop calling me"

"said that i dump him"

He's a disappearing man dear and then he attempted to shift blame and manipulate you into thinking you dumped him. That's not a good sign dear and with men who do this, you can usually expect a repeat of the same exact situation if you immediately let them back into your life.

At this point, I wouldn't do anything. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. It's not up to you to solely carry this relationship along on your shoulders alone. Sit back, keep a safe distance, and observe this man's actions. Make sure his words align with his actions and make him WORK to PROVE to you that he's genuinely interested (by not being overly available to him, by not jumping on his calls and texts, by making him follow through with his promises, etc.)

Anonymous said...

Some Advise would be great! Recently an old high school guy friend started contacting me. We both are about 8 months into a divorce where both of our spouses cheated and left us. We really hit it off. We talk all day all night if not texting, then we were on the phone. I live in Louisiana and he is working in Missouri. We talked for 3 weeks and then he came home for Christmas. We spent his whole week home together and he seemed to be really interested in me, he seems like a great and honest person. He even wanted to meet my family and I told him if he didnt think we were something that might last than I would rather him not. Well he assured me he was serious about me and I could feel he genuinely cared about me. He met my daughter and i met his son and he would say little things referring to a future with me. & There was sex involved when he came home for Cmas. We seemed so great together. Well after the week was up and he had to go back to work everything was still going great once he got back to Missouri. From reading ur article ive done a big NoNo and I asked if we were going to be official. He said there is no difference in having a title or not bc we already act like we are dating but if having a title means something to you you can have it. So I was happy, we were official. Things were going great he had started calling me baby and his girl. After a little over a week after the title came he text me out of no where one day (after we had already been having laughs and talking together that day) he said I dont think im ready for a relationship and it would be best to call things off. I said really okay. Bc at first I knew I shouldn't pressure him but after a while it started really bothering me.i started asking why and I became insecure. He assured me it wasnt another female and he had no interest in that and he still liked me he just wasn't ready yet and it just hit him that we needed to slow down. So I aggreed with him and would try texting him once or twice a day. He wouldn't text me back tho. Weve talked on the phone a cpl times &hes said he likes me still but he wants to just not talk to anyone for a while and deal with his divorce. So its almost been 2 weeks.. is he going to come back to me? Should I wait on him? Bc I really see something with him. But idk if it will still be me he wants when he thinks hes ready. Or did I just get played? I probably came on too aggressive when he said he needed space. Its only been a week since I realized I should stop chasing him or txting him with no response. So its been a week since we have talked. Did I give too much too soon and now hes done with me or do you think it sounds like he genuinely needs some time bc he got scared from just getting out of a bad relationship. The last time we talked he told me we could talk and text he just wanted to go slowwww but he had told me that at first and he never replied so I didnt want that to happen again so I just never have text him this week after our phone convo. I know I seemed desperate to him at first when he said he wasnt ready. So im asking, is it too late? Did I scare him off.. he didnt seem like be being mushy bothered him while we were together he said it felt good to know I felt that way. But I think I probably got annoying after he said he wasnt ready. Oh &in our last convo he saod he wished id stop worrying and go with the flow and see what happens. But there isnt any flow bc he isnt trying to talk to me.. if I've messed up or scared him is there anyway I can reverse this some how bc he means alot to me. Or do I just simply wait and see if he text or calls and if so do I answer? Any advise to what u think is going on will be greatly appreciated!! How do I get this man back in my life and acting the same way he did before the title or whatever it was that made him run for the hills!?

Anonymous said...

Continued..(Louisiana/Missouri) also I would like to mention that I read the "red flags" post on hes just not into you. And none of those seem like him. I think he was into but I did have sex with him after a lil over 3 weeks and thats too fast so maybe he thinks im a easy person and he might not trust me bc he is in another state and he had that problem with his wife. I dont want to make excuses for him but what we had seemed so real. Even after he left back to go to work he would text me and tell me he wish I could be there and he couldnt wait til I could come visit and that he wished he would of left me gas money to come up there and I said u dont have to give me money to come and he said no I believe a man should take care of his woman. So it seemed to be that he was a great person and was for real about me. So is what he is doing is pulling back to see what kind of lerson I am? Bc I was definitely clingy and emotional over him breaking things off out of the blue and I tried talking to him everyday for a week after and he would barely respond. So I sent him a long text and told him that he meant alot to me and that i would be willing to wait until he was ready if he thought I was someone he saw a future with and he said yes lets see where things go. But then I got barely any response from him the rest of thatweek. So im scared that I seemed like a crazy lady that had no life other than him.. but then when I taspoke with him on the phone a week ago I told him I couldn't keep my heart tied up for him if I didnt know if he still liked me he said he did and that it had nothing to do with that he just was sitting and work and realized "woah, you need to slow your roll this is what happend in ur last relationship you moved to fast and it turned out the way it did" so I agreed with him and told him I wanted him to have as much time as he needed but I couldn't be there just waiting. And he got kinda offensive and said "fine! If thats what u want you can delete my number or do what u have to do!" (So I felt like he really cared if I stopped talking to him) and so I said well you know I want to talk to you but you dont talk back so I cant keep living in a fantasy that one day its going to be me that you want when your ready and he said "yes! you are but I cant look into the future." But then we ended up getting off the phone and he said I'll talk to you later okay? And I alright sleep good and he said I'll talk to you later.again. what does that mean; is he just too nice to tell me he isnt into me anymore or is he and he would really just like to start over slow. Bc I agree with we fell for each other too fast. I know im obsessing overit and I cant help it! I really liked him! And I felt like he liked me. So it just is leaving me so confused. Is it normal not to hear from a guy in a week? If he really cared about me wouldn't he contact me? Is he not scared to lose me bc I told him I would wait. I probably shouldnt have said that.. so do I post pictures of me and my friends on fb so he thinks im not bothered and moving on and he may get worried then? Or is it best to go missing from social media and make him wonder what im up to. Bc Ive noticed hes been looking at my pictures I post on my snap chat stories. Does that mean he still interested or should I just move along bc if he cared he would of shown it by now? Im sorta dumb when it comes to the dating scene, I got married with I was 18 and have no clue how things work now. Haha im sorry about all the questions! I just wanted to give u enough insite or info on the story that u could answer. Thank you so much! :)

Crystal said...

K, been chatting with a guy for about a month. Went for coffee one night. Chatted some more. Went for dinner a few nights later. He even invited me to the bar to hang out with his friends after. I went. Had fun. He texted the next morning. The last two days, his texts were very short and few and far between compared to usual. So I cut the convo short and said I'd leave him be since he's busy. Did I already blow it by making myself too available?

Anonymous said...

Louisiana/Missouri here, thought I would mention I am a libra and he is a leo. Pleeeease help me with some advice!!:) thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 22, 3:17 AM,
"is he going to come back to me?"

I cannot guarantee that dear, but if you stay silent, yea, most do return out of curiosity if nothing else ;-)

"Should I wait on him?"

Nope. Never wait on a man or provide a commitment to one that isn't doing the same for you. Never make someone you're priority while they're treating you like their option. Start dating and meeting other men.

"So im asking, is it too late?"

I can't answer that dear - only time will tell.

"Oh & in our last convo he said he wished id stop worrying and go with the flow and see what happens."

That's because when expectations are placed upon another and the "pressure" increases - thinks quickly go from "fun" to "intense" (i.e. not so fun). And men really enjoy a woman that's fun and lighthearted and carefree, they find it attractive. When it swings into the opposite direction and the experience becomes intense, serious and anxious, they tend to pull back from that :-(

"if I've messed up or scared him is there anyway I can reverse this some how bc he means alot to me"

You can't make someone love you or want a relationship with you dear. Nothing you do or say can make another bed to your will. The best you can do is stay silent as a mouse, to rouse curiosity, and use no contact:


It's not a guarantee, but in the meantime, it will also help you to detach emotionally and attain balance :-)

Anonymous said...

so its been a week since ive went into "no contact". Well yesterday he liked a picture of mine on fb and then today he sent me a snap chat. We use to snap all the time. But I havent opened it. Is opening it a form or contact?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yea, that would be construed as a "response" in a sense. If you know he gets notified that you've opened it, then that notification sort of acts like a response, ya' know?

Anonymous said...

This is the WORST advice ever!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous January 26, 1:03AM,
If you're a man - then yea - it probably sucks, LOL. Because when women stop chasing you down and jumping into your lap and doing all of the work to keep the relationship afloat - that means you actually have to EARN something (trust) and WORK for it (prove yourself first).

Back in the day, this was a very commonplace concept. Nowadays - in times of instant gratification, "hookup" culture and high expectations - yea, not so much, LOL.

But if you're a woman who has been used and then disposed of countless times by selfish men that don't truly care about you as a human being, again and again - it makes complete sense and you learn to "qualify" people first as "dateable" and genuinely interested in order to protect yourself.

Men with bad attitudes that aren't serious and feel you're not worth working for or earning because you're replaceable by many other women who are easier and more willing - are simply lazy players plowing their way through sexual territory and emotionally scarring women by treating them like objects instead of real human beings with feelings.

Those men are usually the one's doing the most complaining about "all the effed up, crazy women out there" - yet they lack the self-awareness to understand that they are contributing to the problem - by creating that group of emotionally scarred women by treating them as disposable replaceable objects instead of human beings.

Lazy, selfish and entitled - or ambitious, compassionate and driven - it isn't hard to figure out who is who. Which would you prefer as a mate?

Besides, none of this is that surprising. All it really says to women in a nutshell is "Don't chase and be sexually aggressive because if you do, you have an increased risk of being used by offering yourself up without qualifying the man as genuinely interested first."

It also says, "So remember ladies, when communicating, keep it short, don’t be afraid to show your fun, snarky side, don’t be afraid to be yourself, be natural, be playful and be carefree. That’s it, it’s really that simple."

And I really don't think that's the horrific suggestion you make it out to be LOL.

Anonymous said...


I would appreciate some thoughts on my situation. I have been spending time with a guy I met in one of my classes last semester a lot. He finds me at lunch at he sits with me every day. He walks me to classes, flirts with me, buys me food etc.. I have been my normal happy cheerful, easy going self. He even took me aside alone after he first met me and said that he really liked those qualities in me.Those are all indications that I thought that he was in to me. One of my friends even said right in front of him last week "I think he likes you". We are seen so much together that people ask if we are dating, would make a cute couple, etc. Well he had never asked for my number until last week. I was wondering when that would happen! (We have been friends for a few months now) He texted me and I didn't respond right away ( my strategy) and we had a great conversation (fun, flirty, etc.) The next day he texted me again and I didn't reply right away and we texted back and forth for 2 hours with great conversation. The next day I see him at school, he sat by me walked me to classes, etc. and acted the same. Then the day after that he says he will try and text me but he doesn't and I sent 1 text. But he didn't respond. The next day at school he says he was sorry that he didn't text and that he lost his phone charger. So I didn't hear back from him all weekend. I am following him on Instagram and he has told me he deleted the app because it was stupid and I see that he followed one (attractive) girl and liked every single one of her pictures and then another (attractive) posts on one of his pictures and says "hey" and he responds with a smiley face and then she says "text me or something". I don't know what to make of him. We have a great friendship and I really thought that he liked me and was taking things slow. I was never clingy or needy. Why all of the sudden after 2 texts is he pulling back and making contact with other girls and making a lame excuse that he lost his phone charger? One other thing about this guy-he only hangs out with girls. Very few guy friends. Red flag? Player? Help! Should I just try and be unavailable since I actually showed some interest but didn't pursue him by texting him back a few times and allowed him to walk me to class and sit by me. I am very confused:(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mon, Jan 27, 1:48 PM,
"Why all of the sudden after 2 texts is he pulling back and making contact with other girls and making a lame excuse that he lost his phone charger?"

Probably a couple of reasons dear:

One is probably because he can - meaning, there's no commitment here, no relationship obligations. As a result, he's free to do so.

Second is he could be testing you, attempting to get you "hooked" in chasing HIM. If he hangs out with lots of women, that could be what he expects given that many women fall prey to this tactic - man pulls back, woman charges forward - otherwise known as "the game."

Third, he could be dating any one of these women casually - or all of them, who knows? Casual dating means "occasional and not regular." So he could occasionally be "hooking up" with these gals.

Don't change your behavior here. When a woman changes HER behavior, the man sense it and then REACTS accordingly. Meaning, if he pulls back and you change your normal behavior (i.e. start pursuing), then his reaction to that new behavior of "pursuit" could be to distance himself. Either to remove himself from the situation or, if he's a player, to further entice the woman to chase him down.

The thing is - you simply don't know which because it's way too early to be reading into anything here. You're not dating, you really don't know him well as a romantic interest, you don't know how he behaves in relationships and you really don't even know if this guy is seeking and/or cut out for a relationship yet - you don't know if he's even interested in settling down. He may enjoy his independence and not even be looking for something "more" at this time.

And the only thing that will answer any of those questions - is to simply keep doing as you're doing, doing the things and behaving in the same manner that attracted him to you in the first place, and then sit back and OBSERVE his behavior, actions and attitude as a man. WORDS fly off into the wind, but ACTIONS tell the tale ;-)

Jenna said...


All I can say is Wow! I've read almost every post and comment and your advice is incredible! My current question is about my ex, an Aries, who is two years younger than me, 27 and 29.

About 9 months ago, I broke up with my ex cuz he was being an ass and neither of us was sure what we wanted. Well, I started to take him back, though a little reluctantly, and he went and had a one night stand with some girl. To make a long story short, I hurt him in a lot of ways and he hurt me. It was all a complete mess! Anyway, after about two months after that, we reconnected, but he still seemed unsure of what he wanted...told me he still loved me, but ended up moving away up north. I sent him an email that said, why don't we give it 6 months. You live your life and i'll live mine and if you still love me after and want us to work, come find me and maybe I'll feel the same.

Well, on that day 6 months later, he contacted me at 9:30 at night with a "hello" text. I text back an hour later, and said hi. They he said sorry I can't call, but I'm still at work. He asked how I've been, what I've been up to, etc. I said, good, fine, and asked him the same. The first thing he says is that he's really changed for the better and he feels appreciated at his job, etc. I said great, glad you're happy. He says, “I didn’t say I was happy. I still miss you and our friendship that we had.”

The next few weeks he texts me here and there, but then won’t text for two or three days, and I’m a mess! To which, the next time I hear from him, I say, “Why did you contact me? What is it that you want?” and he says, “I contacted you because I still love you and want to spend a lot of time with you to see if this can work. I know we are far apart, but I just think that this is what needs to happen.” I said, “Thanks for clearing that up. I feel the same way and agree with you.”

Then the texts become more sparse, but the texts and snapchats continue. He says a couple times, when are you coming up here to see me, or, you should be here already! That kind of stuff.

The thing that gets me (as this reconnect has lasted about a month now) is he still has not called ONCE! I love him so much and am dying to hear his voice and I refuse to call unless he does first. He left me the last time, not the other way around. And how much can a person really “love” you if they wont even pick up the phone!

He said he would fly me up in early March to see him and pick me up from the airport and he’d take off of work while I’m there, etc. But, I just don’t know if that’s a smart idea.

The latest: He text me Friday night (late)…sweet lyrics to a love song…so Saturday morning I responded with another song. He didn’t text all day, so I text him once that night, just a goofy pic of me. Didn’t hear from him then, or Sunday, and finally last night (Monday), he texts me at 8:45pm “Hey, how’s it going?”.
I have not texted back. He didn’t text me for two days, so I feel maybe I’m doing something wrong, and he’s been acting freakin lame! He used to call me and skype me when we were first together and send me flowers and stuff. He’s sweet and romantic and very intelligent, but also can be apathetic.
How do I handle this? How do I whip him into shape or at least protect myself to not get crushed?

Please help!!!

*At reading your article, I thought I should not respond to his text last night and just ignore it. If he texts again in the next couple days, I could say, you know I really prefer to talk on the phone, so if you want to talk just give me a call? Or even just ignore him and see if he steps it up and calls? Should I text him to say I picked dates to come see him? We are both adults, why can’t he come here?
Double Help!!!! And thanks in advance!

Hopelessly in Love (with a butthead)

Jenna said...

Just read your post on the Aries male...boy was that enlightening. With that being said, and as a follow up to my last long intro post...I don't know if I should "run the other direction" with him and play hard to get or "put him in his place and tell him like it is" ???? Thanks, MOA

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much! You really helped me put things in perspective. He really did loose his phone charger and he apologized by saying "I am so sorry" and since it is an older phone he has to order a charger from E-Bay. You are right that I don't know if or what he wants. My friend said she sees a romance between us, but who knows? He did last night go on Instagram and follow some other attractive girls on Instagram and put "you better follow me" on their pictures. I was not following him on purpose so I didn't seem needy (he followed me a long time ago) and he put "are you following me?" My first response was to follow him back and put a message, "now I am" but I removed it as I didn't want to show too much interest. Should I follow him? Or wait a bit? I wonder if he did that to make me jealous or like you said to further entice me to chase him down. Another thing...with the girl that he liked all of her pictures-last night he put "post something" on her picture what ever that means? She's been following him for a while now and he just started following her. She is from his old school. Today we hung out again at lunch and another girl who is a friend of mine has been trying to hang out with us. I think she liked him as well and he told her today that he never liked her and said "bye". Guys really hate to be chased! You are right I am going to sit back and not charge forward and play "the game". Is it OK to show a little interest? Not chase him by any means but sit with him at lunch and be friendly and let him walk with me to class? Also, if he does text me again, is it O.K. to have a conversation for a while and not act like you don't like texting him if he does text first? When I was texting him before, I waited for a while in between texts and he said, "hello are you there"? I did it on purpose to show I wasn't too available..ugh! The game we have to play!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopelessly in Love,
"He says a couple times, when are you coming up here to see me, or, you should be here already!"

Ha! When a man expects you to run to him and snaps his fingers to summon you up at his will, NEVER accommodate that dear. If he was serious, he'd be more than happy to run to you. As a matter of fact, he'd go out of his way to make sure that happened. He's acting like he's ordering a pizza here.

"he still has not called ONCE"

Yep, he's all TALK - no ACTION (he's not making plans to come and see you).

"how much can a person really “love” you if they wont even pick up the phone!"

Exactly dear - ACTIONS. And when there are none, that's a big red flag. When a man's words do NOT align with his actions, big red flag :-(

"He said he would fly me up in early March to see him and pick me up from the airport and he’d take off of work while I’m there, etc. But, I just don’t know if that’s a smart idea."

Again, it's like dialing for a pizza. Had he come to see you first and actually done the work of establishing something here with you again and then taking ACTION on that and following through with a visit to PROVE he's serious, then okay. But this is too much like dialing for sex or something to me, I don't like that, it's not sitting well with me and my guts sounding off. He's wanting to fly you in to see him, yet he's done absolutely nothing to prove to you that that would even be worth the trip for you, worth your effort and your time, ya' know?

He hasn't even called but he wants to fly you in? I dunno about that one. I smell BS and a bunch of male "fantasy" talk and thinking out loud.

"I feel maybe I’m doing something wrong"

He's the one acting bizarre, saying one thing and then doing another, being inconsistent in his behavior and acting unstable...so why are you blaming yourself here dear? Don't do that :-)

"How do I whip him into shape or at least protect myself to not get crushed?"

You can't whip him into shape dear. But what you CAN do is take CONTROL. You can't whip him into shape, but you CAN walk away and decide for YOURSELF that this man is simply not capable of fulfilling your needs and making you happy, ya' know? He doesn't appear to be relationship material right now because he's displaying inconsistency, instability, making false promises, his actions aren't aligning with his words - he's giving off red flags all over the place and that disqualifies him as "dateable" and as "relationship material" :-( You can't change that, but you can protect yourself from being used and manipulated emotionally by distancing yourself and walking away to find something better for yourself.

Remember: You are exes for a reason dear. And the reason is because it didn't work once before :-( The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again - and expecting different results."


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I could say, you know I really prefer to talk on the phone, so if you want to talk just give me a call?"

No WORDS dear. The language of men is that of ACTION. Notice how when he's trying to make a point he doesn't TELL you, he simply takes ACTION and does what he wants to do? That's a language men understand. So if you want a man to "hear" you, you don't SAY a word. Instead, you take ACTION. And many times, that action involves SILENCE and no access to you. Doing NOTHING is actually doing SOMETHING. Men hear that loud and clear. When you signal to a man that you're not going to accept their poor treatment by not making yourself available to them anymore, verbally or otherwise - they HEAR that loud and clear.

"Should I text him to say I picked dates to come see him?"

NO! Do NOT run up there to see this man dear. If he wants you, he can get up off his ass like a real man does - and he can come GET YOU. Real men go after that which they desire dear. NEVER let a man snap his fingers and summon you to him. If you do that, he'll keep you on a string, like a pet. He'll put you on the shelf when he doesn't want to play with you, and when he does, he'll simply snap his fingers again. Don't let that happen.

"We are both adults, why can’t he come here?"

EXACTLY. Let him PROVE to you that he's a man, that he's genuinely interested and that he's serious about this - by actually taking ACTION to DO something about it ;-)

If a man isn't willing to prove himself to you dear - then all he does is end up proving to you that he's not worth your time.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 28, 4:56 PM,
"Should I follow him? Or wait a bit?"

Why? Because he's snapping his fingers and demanding that women all follow him and become a part of his social media harem? No way dear. Don't jump on that bandwagon willingly.

All this technology really does is permit men to play more games and string more women along in a public forum. It's infuriating LOL.

"Another thing...with the girl that he liked all of her pictures-last night he put "post something" on her picture what ever that means?"

This guys getting a kick out of snapping his fingers and watching all these women jump. He's playing games in a public forum where everyone can see - so he looks like "big man on campus" with all his buddies. He's going around and demanding that women do things - and then they DO. It's amazing, LOL...sigh.

"he told her today that he never liked her and said "bye"."

I don't like this guy dear. He's manipulating women, playing games, getting ego strokes right and left from women at the snap of a finger, and then turning around and being rude to them. It's a bit sadistic frankly and he's getting his cookies off on all the power he has here, making women jump like circus monkey's for him.

"Is it OK to show a little interest?"

I'd do the exact opposite with this one if it were me, LOL - but that's just me :-)

"Not chase him by any means but sit with him at lunch and be friendly and let him walk with me to class?"

You can be friendly with him and civil towards him, but I would not stroke this guys ego and I would not do the things he's asking. He's playing games here and I think he gets off on smacking women around and yanking their chains metaphorically speaking.

"is it O.K. to have a conversation for a while and not act like you don't like texting him if he does text first?"

If you don't like texting, then why pretend you do? Because if you do that, it'll only encourage him to do it more and then he'll think it's okay. If you don't like texting, don't participate in it. If he's genuinely interested and he's serious about you, he'll pick up the phone. If he doesn't, then that says something dear :-(

"I waited for a while in between texts and he said, "hello are you there"?"

Yea, he's a manipulator and an attention whore. He's needy - needs LOTS of female attention. Needs it online in public where everyone can see and needs it fed daily upon demand. This guys used to snapping his fingers and watching women jump. Like I said, I think he gets a kick out of it and he's kinda power tripping with it. That's not a good sign dear :-(

Jenna said...

Hi again, Jenna, Hopelessly in Love, here,

I just wanted to say thank you. Everything you said was exactly what I needed to hear. And I know I will have to reread it everyday to keep my peace of mind and strength up, but when I say that your response just changed my thinking and my life, I sincerely mean that. I have a real peace about this now, and know that if he ever is the guy for me, it will be because he shows up at my door begging for a real shot with me. Otherwise, he isn't getting anything at all. I feel free to move forward now and pursue my other options. Your wisdom is a gift and your kindness in sharing it, is a huge blessing.

I would love to financially contribute to what you do. I am a school teacher and can't do much, but I appreciate your time and counsel and would love to send you a donation by check or paypal or something. Is there a way to do this?

Thank you again, for freeing me from my own prison of heartache.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopelessly in Love,
Thank you dear. It helps me to help women like you. It's the circle of life. And when I make a difference, it adds to my life, so thank you :-)

And while I'm flattered that you'd like to contribute financially, I will kindly and respectfully decline that offer and instead - ask that you contribute by paying it forward. Meaning, help other women help themselves and participate in this community by supporting other women and giving back if you feel inclined to do so.

There are MANY active conversations taking place here to this day on old articles. Many women share stories, many women are in pain and many women need support. We can all strengthen each other while strengthening ourselves by supporting one another. Together - we are strong.

I'd love to write more articles and I will, but I spend my days here engaged in conversations daily and I work full time, so this is a hobby more or less, but it's one that's important to me. So while the blog isn't update often with new material, there are small miracles taking place in the conversations here each and every day. If you'd like to be a part of that dear, and if you'd like the support of others, then please feel free to participate and follow along.

Daily conversations take place on this piece, some two years later:


You have to hit the "new" and "newer" small blue links under the comment blocks to scroll through to the "newest" comments - but there are new ones every day receiving my response.

This one is also active on a fairly regular basis:


Again, feel free to follow along, participate, join in and lend support or simply be a "voice" for others here. Build up the good karma here by paying it forward while receiving the strength and support of others in return if you feel compelled to do so :-)

Much luck to you dear, I'm glad I could be of assistance :-)

«Oldest ‹Older   201 – 400 of 850   Newer› Newest»

Post a Comment

The Mirror of Aphrodite. Artwork by Neoclyptic. Design by Wpthemedesigner. Converted To Blogger Template By Anshul Tested by Blogger Templates.