"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

How, What, When To Text Men

As many of my regular readers know, things have taken a turn into the dating world here with a myriad of dating and relating discussions now taking place. (Don't worry, we'll get back to astrology soon.) And I get asked a variation of one particular question quite often, and that is:

“Should I contact him?”

A few different variations of that are as follows:

“How should I text him?” “When do you text men?” “What do you text men?” “How do I respond?” “When do I respond?” “What should I say?” "How do you text men?"

And a personal observation about the matter is that women communicate too much, too often. Particularly in the early days of a budding relationship, the precise time when they should be communicating the least. Rather than sitting back, being emotionally strong, mysterious and confident, and letting the man pursue you, many women have taken to being the aggressors these days in relationships. That’s a real turn off to men. Let me correct that. That’s a real turn off to a man who genuinely likes you. (It’s a real turn on only to the man seeking a brief fling.)


Which, I believe, is the reason that more women, nowadays than ever, are experiencing the “hit and run” with men. Why are you being treated like a hit and run? Because you’re presenting yourself as the perfect victim for one. Being the aggressor with a man is akin to being a hitchhiker, standing on the side of the highway, using your goods to flag down passing motorists.

You get a ride – that’s it.  A ride to the next off ramp, nothing more.

And being the aggressor with men, especially when texting men, gives them the impression that you’re desperate for that ride. That you really want it, that you really need it and that you'll do just about anything to get it - even if it means selling yourself short. I don’t have to explain why that is NOT the impression you need to give the modern day male when texting men.

The modern day female aggressor is turning the dating world onto its head. And not in a good way. This behavior is making men lazy about dating. It’s not demanding that they rise to the challenge (which, by the way, they love) and it’s just downright too easy for them. As a result, many men have taken to serial dating, plowing their way through all these women who are offering themselves up on a platter.

Help a sister out, ladies. Stop doing this - right now.

You’re revealing too much about yourself by doing so and you don’t realize how much you’re saying by actually reaching out all the time. Do you realize what it says to a man when you’re always initiating the communication? Do you realize how your good morning texts are coming across to him? Do you realize how constantly checking in with him automatically tells him that there’s no other man in your life? Do you honestly think these are good impressions you’re making?

Take a look at the hitchhiker photo above?  Is that REALLY the impression you want to make?

When You're Initiating Communication First


You’re telling him you’re desperate for his attention. When you wish him good morning all the time, you’re telling him that you’re needy, that you’re obsessing over him, and that this is headed straight into relationship territory, quick. When you’re constantly checking in with him, you’re telling him that he’s on the end of a leash (yours) and that there’s no other man in your life. Hell, you’re telling him you HAVE no life. Now I ask you again, do you think these are good impressions to make early on in the dating game? Hell no.

Again, it’s akin to the hitchhiker. Standing on the side of the road, showing your goods screaming, “Me! Me! Please pick me errr . . . up.” Pick me up please. Really, that’s what you’re shooting for here? A pickup, a hook up?

Behave like that and that’s indeed what you’ll get . . . taken for a ride.

Men like a challenge, men admire confidence in a woman. Confidence is a known trigger for attraction. And triggering emotional attraction is what you need to shoot for to have a lasting relationship.

Bribery, convincing, constantly reminding him you exist . . yea, these do nothing for his attraction for you. Besides, who wants to be with someone you had to bribe with sex or convince verbally that you’re a great person and that they should be with you?

All of the below texting techniques are for responding only, not for initiating contact (because initiating contact is never a good thing unless you’re in love and you’re in an established, committed relationship. Then, it’s ok to start reaching out – a bit.)

Put on your seatbelts, gals. We’re about to take our own little ride here.

How To Text Men


Communicate In A Fun, Carefree Manner

When you do communicate with a man (in response, not via initiating it), you need to hang loose. You need to give the impression that you’re carefree and that you have a sense of humor, that you’re actually fun to be around. (Reminder: Communicating your emotions constantly is NOT considered fun for a man.)

Keep It Short

Women share too much and it can make men feel exhausted and drained. He doesn’t care what you ate for dinner or what you’re watching on TV. Keep your responses short, keep him guessing and most importantly, keep him wanting more.

Don’t Respond Immediately

If he gets a response to his texts in 3 minutes every time he texts you, you’re signaling to him that you’ve got not life, there’s nothing exciting going on, and that you’re sitting around waiting for him to contact you. It’s a known fact that people want what they can’t have. So being scarce when it comes to responding will trigger attraction for you. Being available immediately will throw a bucket of cold water on his attraction for you. You’ll be boring and predictable, not mysterious and exciting.

What To Text Men


Create General Tension Between The Two Of You

This has to be done carefully, but when done the right way, can have an INSTANT effect on a man. And it’s usually pulled off properly via some friendly teasing. For instance, if he texts you, “I’m really a nice guy” your response should be, “Well this should be interesting because I have a strict rule - I only date dickheads.”

A response like that will throw off his guard. All of a sudden, he’s intriqued. Why? Because you’re not like all the other “nice” girls. You’re not sitting there, saying boring stuff like, “Yea, you seem like a nice guy.” That triggers nothing in his erogenous zone or his emotional mind space. But take a lighthearted jab at him and boom – you’ve got his interest.

Another example might be this. Say you’re on a first date and he’s wearing a striped shirt. He says to you, “I normally don’t dress this way, but I dressed up for you tonight.” Your response should be something like, “Oh thank God because that shirt is making me dizzy.” He’ll look right into your eyes after that one. He’ll be tossed off guard and he’ll be wondering, “Did she really mean that?” Now that you’ve really captured his attention, when he goes for that look, you look right back at him and let a big grin slide across your face. Then you reach out and touch his arm (to reassure him) and say something like, “Gotcha, didn't I?”

When he goes home that night, he’ll still be unsure as to whether or not you meant what you said. Perfect. Because, you know what? He’s now thinking about you. And he’ll toss that around over and over and over, he’ll even be a little insecure over it. Again, perfect. (This is a tactic men use on women daily, playing on a bit of insecurity.) You see, you’re flipping the script on him. You’re not like other women, you’re different, and you’re not afraid that he won’t be interested in you. You’re not sitting there being fake and trying to please him, you’re sitting there being real and entertaining yourself. He’ll love that about you, trust me.

Create Sexual Tension Between The Two Of You

This, too, must be done carefully and in a respectful manner. Again, teasingly but lighthearted. For example, if he texts you and says, “I really liked that dress you had on the other night.” You respond by saying, “That’s good, because it’s going to be a while before you ever see me out of it ;-)”

Or if he says to you, “I was hoping we could spend a little private time together and maybe hang out at your place tonight” you respond by saying, “Sure, that’s fine. I have a Rottweiler (Disclosure: Mirror of Aphrodite does indeed own a Rottweiler) and a .38 Special that I’ll introduce you to if you don’t behave ;-)”

Or if you’ve met online and are planning your first date and he wants to pick you up and texts something like, “I can pick you up at 7.” You respond by saying, “I’m going to have to meet you there. You see, I’m a serial killer and my torture kit is in my trunk.”

Notice I added the wink emoticons after some of those text responses? It’s an immediate visual way to get the point across that you’re serious - but you’re also jagging – again, keep em’ guessing. It’s also a great way to make them smile and laugh, drop their guard and consider you funny and someone cool to be around. It also signals that they’re going to have to work at this a bit. Be a challenge.

Handle Aggressive Sexual Behavior Immediately, In A Mature Manner

Every guy ventures into sexual innuendoes eventually. So be prepared for how you need to handle this. First off, refrain from exchanging sexual images with one another and don't permit yourself to receive them from a man.

If a guy starts zapping you nude images of himself, it's best to cut that off right away by saying something like, “You must have me all wrong.” Or, “This is making me very uncomfortable, I was hoping you were different.” Just don’t go there, ever. It's not a good idea and dear God, never put your face in those images if you're going to do it anyway.

Men like that are players and they will send all their friends your naked photos. Trust me, I’ve seen hundreds from my male friends. More than I care too and it depresses me when I see loads of great women acting like harlots instead of real women. If you want to be treated like a harlot, send the photos (and know that you're relationship will be over in two months, either by his hand or yours). If you want to be treated like a woman and taken seriously, don’t engage in that behavior. Even in a committed relationship because when you break up, you might see those photos on his Facebook page.

When To Text Men


Umm, Never. Just Kidding – Sort Of

It’s a big no-no to initiate communication and texting with a man, especially in the early days of a budding relationship. You see, during that time, he’s hanging back and this is so that he can observe you closely. Him pulling back will bring up your insecurities and he knows this. So he’ll pull back and go into “wait and see” mode. Is she crazy? Is she a psycho? Is she needy? Is she emotionally unstable? Is she going to make me the center of her entire existence?

If you start texting him, he’ll deem the answer to all of the above questions a big, fat, resounding YES. And he’ll bolt on you.

If You’re In An Established, Committed Relationship

At this point, it’s ok to reach out. But not too heavily and only here and there. You can’t begin to overwhelm a man or dominate his time in any manner at any stage in a relationship. If you do that, he’ll break off the relationship eventually, no matter how far into it or how many months or years you’ve been dating.

If You’ve Had A Change Of Plans

If you’ve made plans and you’re running late or something has come up, go ahead and text him to let him know. It’s a sign of respect and courtesy at this point.

If You Said You’d Get Back To Him On Something

If you told him about something cool for him to check out or said that you’d get back to him about whether or not to go on a date this Friday, then yes, text him.


If He’s Made A Nice Gesture

If he’s sent flowers or an email that made you smile, something specifically for you since he knew you had a bad day or something, then yes, text him a nice thank you.

If It’s A Holiday or Special Occasion

If it’s Christmas or Thanksgiving or his birthday – go ahead and wish him well. But keep it short. Don’t make it look like it was an excuse for an hour long text session that’s going to dominate half of his day.

If He’s Texting You Consistently

If he’s in communication regularly and he seems really interested in moving the relationship forward (via his actions, not his words) then it’s ok to reach out but only once in a while. For example, if he’s been texting you good morning or goodnight every day for two weeks, beat him to the punch one morning or one evening and surprise him.

If you never do this and then one day, you do this, he’ll feel special and get really excited. But that’s only if it’s something you rarely if ever do, and have just done once or twice.

Get Into These Communication Habits


Get into the habit of communicating like this with men and you’ll have droves of them thinking your cool, funny and fun to be around. They’ll WANT to be around you, they’ll WANT to talk to you, they’ll ENJOY your company and they will SEEK you out.

So remember ladies, when communicating, keep it short, don’t be afraid to show your fun, snarky side, don’t be afraid to be yourself, be natural, be playful and be carefree. That’s it, it’s really that simple.

And men just absolutely adore simple.

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847 Comments:

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Bendu320,
"I feel like I made have hurt his feelings by slowing things down so that I could breath."

A gentleman should be confident enough to understand this request. If he's hurt by it, he's likely a bit insecure and unsure of himself.

"I'm not sure what's happening when I asked him what was happening is he done he stop responding to my text message."

This is a sign that he lacks the maturity to communicate openly and honestly in an effort to genuinely work through this small hurdle.

"I want for him to communicate so we can talk about it."

I understand that. But you need to understand what a gift his behavior is presenting to you. Think about it. If this man is emotionally unavailable to you and unable to communicate openly and honestly to work through this small hurdle. . .do you REALLY think he's ready for a serious relationship? What do you think dating him would be like? What do you think would happen when, in that relationship, you hit a major hurdle together (which eventually happens in ALL relationships)?

This guy would bail dear :-(

His behavior here is telling you this. His behavior here is telling you that if something isn't a "sure thing" for him right out of the gate, he does not have the maturity, confidence, or emotional ability to do the work necessary to achieve success. Knowing that about him now, upfront, before becoming deeply intimately involved with him is actually a BLESSING.

Because without those skills dear, he's likely not going to be successful as one half of a healthy couple.

In order to have and maintain a healthy relationship, you need confidence, and you need emotional maturity and the ability to communicate. That's the "work" that relationships require if they're to be successful over the long term. Individuals that lack those skills are doomed to suffer in relationships, and or find themselves unable to have one at all that lasts beyond a few months. Because the minute a hurdle presents itself, they shut down and run. Instead of doing the work necessary to pass through the hurdle to keep the relationship on track.

"Was I wrong for asking him to slow down so I can get to know him."

You do not have to compromise yourself or your wishes in order to receive the affections of a man. You do not have to "settle" for that. And when the RIGHT MAN FOR YOU comes along, he will not make you feel guilty to valuing yourself and knowing your own needs. Instead, he will understand them, respect you for them, and he will simply adjust the pace to make you feel more comfortable.

He won't cause drama. He won't act immature. He won't shut down emotionally.

"Should I text him back?"

That's up to you. If it were me, I would think about whether or not this is a man that's even capable of making me happy. If he is unable to communicate openly this early on, about a minor issue, and he's handling himself immaturely and creating a bit of drama - before we've even really dated. . .I would think twice about wanting to date him at all.

Because he's showing me that he's not really equipped with the skills necessary to have and maintain a real relationship to begin with.

Soulll said...

i agree with you, anonymous.

this article depicts a very old fashioned idea of men and women.

which, does shed light on some truths. the dating world nowadays is trash.

but the love world before us was trash too. why else would things change?

ive decided to be myself rather than chase faint dreams of romance. and also, to shoot my shot.

Unknown said...

Hi aphrodite... good day. I saw your post that you posted 4 years ago and today i think i would ask you is it still applicable? The world has changed more than you think. I agree with you but now i must ask, what if the guy approaches the girl, then she keeps her guard and then when he pulls away and stops, she texts. Yes, it looks like she finally took the bait but then again, he never wants to reciprocate because she has lost him due to her guard being up and had waited for him to text firstly. dont you think?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Unknown May 8, 11:00 PM,
"What if the guy approaches the girl, then she keeps her guard and then when he pulls away and stops, she texts. Yes, it looks like she finally took the bait but then again, he never wants to reciprocate because she has lost him due to her guard being up and had waited for him to text firstly. Dont you think?"

If a man never wants to reciprocate ever again simply because some girl he approached didn't text him first and chase him down. . .then he's a man that wasn't all that interested to begin with.

Men who are genuinely interested do not behave like that. They understand the need to move at the woman's preferred pace, and they're in it to win it - for the long haul. The fact that they're genuinely interested keeps them around and alert to signals from the woman.

Men who simply "fish" for women to see if they'll bite on the bait and then disappear - are men who would've disappeared anyway had you taken the bait immediately. They're the types that pull you in quickly after you bite, shower you in compliments, talk about a future with you, move things lightening fast, sleep with you immediately. . .and then a few weeks or a month or so later start talking about how they need some space and about how they think things might suddenly not be working out.

And then they stop responding to the woman and vanish.

They weren't genuinely interested in the first place. They didn't work to win the woman over and they did nothing to earn her trust. But the woman took the bait and they figured, "Hey, why not? I'll do this until something better comes along."

And when something better comes along, they suddenly start making excuses and eventually disappear.

If a man is so sensitive that you did not take his bait the first time, that he's never going to speak to you ever again after that. . .his actions are telling you that he's insecure and immature.

Think about it. If you gave a man your telephone number and he never called you, but about a month or two later you bump into him and later that night he finally rings your phone. . .are you really going to be so upset that he didn't call you sooner that you never speak to him again?

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

People who behave like that are emotionally immature individuals that are insecure. If they do not see success on their first attempt, they do not handle it maturely. They are insecure about who they are and they need immediate gratification in order for them to feel secure.

Those individuals are not ready for healthy, long term relationships. They will disappear and run away the minute things go wrong, or the minute something better comes along. They were not genuinely interested in the first place, and they are not equipped with the emotional skills to cope with the things that life inevitably throws at all of us.

We all get rejected at points in life. We all suffer setbacks in life. And not every single one of us is successful at everything, all the time, the very first time we try to achieve it. Life simply does not work that way.

In the end, how you handle the challenges that life inevitably throws your way is what matters. Will you handle it maturely and cope with it in a healthy manner? Or will you behave immaturely and cope with it like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum?

If you cope with life maturely, you will eventually see success and those skills will get you far in life. If you cope immaturely, you will suffer setback after setback and success may be hard to achieve if not entirely out of reach - because you do not have the skills necessary to get you through those tough times in life. The universe will make you repeat your mistakes over and over and over again so that you learn the lesson, toughen up, and develop the skills necessary to help you achieve success in life.

Those who have achieved great success in life, have failed MANY TIMES in their attempts at it first.

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." - Robert F. Kennedy

Do you want to date a man that has what it takes to become successful in life? Or do you want to date a little boy that doesn't?

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror

Is there any reason why a guy would add you on Facebook (and not ask for your telephone number)? We are in early 30s. We met on the train, we exchanged a few smiles from far and then he came to sit next to me and we chatted for 2 hours and he added me on Facebook.

And if the guy doesn't initiate the messaging after the first encounter, shall the woman try to do something or just move on to the next guy?

Thanks for your reply!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, i'm a woman and i stumbled upon Corey Wayne a dating coach, who's primarily geared towards men and their dating lives. He doesn't claim to be a pickup artist however, but more about understanding relationships with the opposite sex and also being successful in life all around. Anyway, out of everything i've read and seen about men/women dating, he actually states that the Woman should always be the one chasing a man, saying it's the only thing that women respond to emotionally. He says that women and society are taught that men should always be the chasers, But says that it actually turns women off and makes her see the man as weak, desperate, and too accommodating. He states all women enjoy a challenge with a man and hence want to chase him, but logically they do not realize that (or want to admit it). He states a woman chasing is what women emotionally respond to most, and he states it makes the woman excited, happy, and to value the man and their relationship more. What are your thoughts on this dating coach and his theories? Just curious. Thanks :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 25, 4:56 PM,
"What are your thoughts on this dating coach and his theories? Just curious."

Ridiculous. Unless, of course, the emotions that the man is attempting to stir within the woman are heightened anxiety, worry, frustration and self-doubt.

"He states all women enjoy a challenge with a man and hence want to chase him"

Wrong. And all you have to do to see that is read the THOUSANDS of comments from women here on this site to realize just how incorrect that truly is.

Women here are CONSTANTLY complaining that they do not understand why the man won't pursue them. They are constantly wading through feelings of self-doubt this causes for them. They are constantly questioning themselves and others over it. And all of that eventually leads them to questioning the man himself and wondering if he really even likes them or not -- and if he's even worth more of their time and effort.

Basically, women here report that dating men who signal they want the woman to chase them, is NOT ENJOYABLE FOR THEM AT ALL. It leaves them hanging in a state of suspended animation, wading through a ton of negative feelings the man is creating within them. Eventually, they begin to associate all of these negative feelings with the man himself, which ultimately erodes their attraction to him.

Think about it like this. Do you enjoy spending time around men who make you anxious, cause you to worry a lot, and cause you to question yourself constantly? Or do you enjoy being around men who are straight forward with you, make you feel good about yourself, pursue you and make you feel special - and let you know EXACTLY where you stand with them?

My guess is it's the latter of the two. No one enjoys spending time around people that create negativity in their lives.

Using techniques that play on negative fear based emotions (anxiety, worry, etc.) ARE PICK UP ARTIST TACTICS. Corey can disguise them as "gentlemanly" tactics all he wants but the truth is. . .tactics that play on a woman's insecurities like that, trigger them, bring them to the surface, use them to become the very thing that draws the woman to the man -- ARE PICK UP ARTIST TACTICS.

And they only work on insecure women. Women who know their value and have quality men in their life (gentlemen) don't respond to negative fear based emotions. They know their value, they're confident, and they don't permit themselves to drown in a sea of confusion, anxiety and self-doubt. As well, they have quality men in their lives that are treating them well, making them happy, and making them feel good about themselves. Men who are the opposite of that stand out to them like a sore thumb. . .because they have good men in their lives to compare them to. And when you place a man using negative techniques to trigger the woman's insecurities next to a gentleman who's treating the woman with respect, and letting her know exactly where she stands and how much she means to him. . .there's no comparison at all.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"He states a woman chasing is what women emotionally respond to most"

Think about that for a minute and ask yourself, "What are the EMOTIONS the woman is REALLY responding to?" She's responding to fear based emotions. She's responding to anxiety, insecurity, worry, confusion and self-doubt. Is that the type of response a man really wants to trigger in a woman? Is that a positive response that great relationships are built upon?

Nope. Not at all.

A positive emotional response from a woman looks the exact opposite to that. A positive response from a woman involves confidence, clarity, strength, true attraction (not attraction triggered by insecurities) -- and an overall "glow" because she knows exactly where she stands with the man. He's making her feel great about herself, she's not experiencing any anxiety, she's not experiencing any confusion, he makes her feel valuable and strong and confident. . .and THAT IS WHAT SHE'S RESPONDING TO. Those are the emotions that make a woman weak in the knees for a man. Those are the emotions that bond her to the man. And those are the emotions that makes her reject offers from other men. And those are the emotions she WANTS MORE OF.

What woman do you know that gets "excited" about constantly having to chase a man down to find out where he's at, question why he's not calling her, and sit around worry and wondering if he really likes her or not?

If you had a man behaving like that in your life, making you constantly question yourself, whether he likes you or not, and never pursuing you. . .would you REALLY choose HIM over the other man in your life that's calling, expressing how he feels for you clearly, letting you know he likes you, seeing you regularly, and making you feel great about yourself?

Who the hell would choose the man playing games and creating a bunch of negative feelings over the one that's being straight forward and actually progressing the relationships LOL???

"it makes the woman excited, happy, and to value the man and their relationship more"

WHAT??!! That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard. When you're confused, anxious and full of worry and self-doubt. . .you are NOT excited about it, and you are NOT happy.

"Woman should always be the one chasing a man, saying it's the only thing that women respond to emotionally."

If this were truly the case, then it kinda' makes you wonder how men and women have even procreated for thousands of years -- WITHOUT the woman chasing the man down LOL. This whole "woman chase man" thing is new. It only arose about 15-20 or so years ago when the pick up artist community sprang up. Coincidence? I think not LOL.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

The best examples in life are provided by Mother Nature. Mother Nature follows a natural order - keyword there is "natural." It's natural in nature for males to pursue females. It's unnatural for females to pursue males in Mother Nature. And what Corey is suggesting is unnatural as well. It doesn't follow the natural order of Mother Nature.

I wrote an entire article about this here: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

"Courting" is part of the natural order in Mother Nature - and males perform the courtship rituals (not females).

During the fall season, male deer (bucks) put on a display for females - they fight each other and the winner takes the spoils (earns mating rights with the females). And the male deer that do NOT participate in those courtship rituals. . .do not earn the right to mate. That's important. So let me repeat that again. . .MALES THAT DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN COURTSHIP RITUALS, DO NOT EARN THE RIGHT TO MATE.

Apply that to the human race. We are, after all, animals and part of the natural order. For thousands of years, men have courted women to prove themselves as worthy mates to them. Modern men (pick up artists) are now seeking to change that. But why should men who REFUSE to participate in courtship ritutals (pursue women to prove themselves worthy partners to mate with) receive the right to mate with women?

Why should a man that doesn't lift a finger for you receive the right to mate with you? Why should you risk pregnancy with a man that fails to prove himself a worthy partner to you? He's not proved himself a good provider, he's not proved himself a worthy male, and he's shown you that he lacks any ambition in life to actually DO THE WORK to EARN THE RIGHT to mate with you. . .yet he expects you to risk a pregnancy with him?

Do you think a man that refuses to do the work of participating in courtship rituals - is going to do the work required to be a good provider to care for any offspring that may result from the union? Or the work to be a good lifelong spouse for that matter?

Men who refuse to do the work of participating in courtship rituals to prove they're worthy of mating with (and risking pregnancy with) are showing you that they're lazy (and they expect YOU to do the work FOR THEM).

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you think that a lazy man like that is going to suddenly and magically become a good father, a good husband and a good lifelong partner - think again. I hate to say this but there are a lot of dead beat dads out there (because women made the huge mistake of mating with them when they didn't prove themselves worthy of it or worhty of risking pregnancy with them).

If you'd like to explore that concept further, here's some additiona reading:

Modern Man and Failure to Earn His Power: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/modern-man-power-failure-to-earn.html

What is The Game: How to Spot a Pick Up Artist: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/what-is-the-game-pick-up-artist.html

Dating Magic: Persuasion, Evoking Positive Feelings: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/04/dating-tips-persuasion-influence.html

That last one is important because again -- no one enjoys spending time around people that don't create positive feelings within them ;-)

It's all a game (to get women to do the man's work of pursuing and courtship) -- don't fall for it.

Anonymous said...

How can I get his attention when I feel I have lost it. I don't want to seem uninterested but I don't want to loose him. His family members has told me he really likes me. I am just a little lost.

Anonymous said...

The article fails to acknowledge there are female players in this world. They are the opposite this article suggests. They are not victims. They are in control. However, the allure of the chase is their downfall. They don't stick around long enough for things to develop. They usually have severe hangups: daddy issues, chemical dependency, etc.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 24, 3:31 PM,
"The article fails to acknowledge there are female players in this world."

You're correct. The title of this article is, "How, What, When To Text Men."

Anonymous said...

Okay, so. If a woman tells me she has a weapon or attack animal as a response to my suggestion to visit, that visit won't happen. Ever. Not out of fear, but as a very real desire not to interact with someone that threatened my life. It's disrespectful at best. At worst, downright psychotic.
Perhaps it's occupational damage on my behalf. I have seen some very, very bad things in court. However, such a comment is something I would only tolerate from a dear friend or close family member. Unless we've known each other since milk money days, you probably don't get to joke like this until we're married.
At that point it may happen daily. No, I kid. I hope.

If you absolutely must throw around threats, can't you at least make them absurd? "I have a frozen fish I've carved into a shiv."

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male, Sep 12, 6:50 PM,
"Okay, so. If a woman tells me she has a weapon or attack animal as a response to my suggestion to visit, that visit won't happen. Ever."

That's okay. Because chances are, the woman wouldn't want to date a man that immediately shows her up front that he has absolutely no sense of humor -- and no real concept of the impact of what he's actually asking her to do. (i.e. Place herself into a dangerous and compromising position by letting a complete and total stranger into her home just because he asked.)

That's disrespectful at best. At worst, downright INSANE.

"However, such a comment is something I would only tolerate from a dear friend or close family member."

That's okay. That type of response simply tells the woman that you take yourself so seriously that you've crippled your sense of humor. It also lets the woman know what dating you might actually be like. And it signals to her that you're incapable of putting yourself into her shoes, and incapable of showing any true understanding about the RISK you're actually asking her to take. (i.e. Being raped in your own home by a stranger you've let in, or some man you've only met twice before and spent a few hours with.)

Just as an aside, women like to feel protected by a man. When a man starts showing a woman that he could care less about her safety, and would actually prefer that she be stupid by instead by placing herself into a compromising position where she's vulnerable - it's an instant attraction killer.

"Unless we've known each other since milk money days, you probably don't get to joke like this until we're married."

I can only imagine that dating you must be a real blast. Let's see. No joking until marriage. Yet completely okay with asking a woman to place herself at risk simply to accommodate you and your own needs and desires. No jokes or the woman is out. And she better be willing to place her own needs and desires aside, and stupidly put herself at risk by the third date -- simply to accommodate your needs and desires. Hmm.

You take yourself VERY seriously and have strict boundaries set. But you don't permit the woman you're dating to do the same. Got it.

"At that point it may happen daily."

I suppose that's if the woman can maintain an attraction for you long enough while dating you to make it that far in the relationship. So far, to me this is sounding like the, "It's all about me and my boundaries, screw you and yours" show.

"If you absolutely must throw around threats, can't you at least make them absurd?"

Absurd as in, "Hey, I'm the guy you went to dinner twice with. Why don't you let me into your home now?" You mean that kind of absurd?

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Do you realize that when women are placed into these situations, unless they're a complete dumbass, they are unable to be comfortable and be their true selves? Do you realize how much anxiety this causes a woman? Do you realize how vulnerable a woman feels in that situation, even in her own home? Do you realize how stressful that is to a woman? Do you have any idea that the woman starts to instantly experience worry about how she's going to fend off your sexual advances that are sure to come, should she acccomodate your request?

Do you even think of the woman at all in this scenario? Or is it all about the fullfillment of YOUR needs and desires only?

We're talking about smart women here. Not naive women that become statistics. DATE RAPE IS REAL.

And while it may not be a real consideration for men - you should show a woman that you're at least capable of thinking about the position you're asking her to place herself in. You should show a woman that you're capable of expressing compassion, understanding and empathy if you want her to actually date you. You should show a woman that you actually care about her safety, her state of mind, and making her comfortable.

Unless, of course, you're a narcissistic sociopath. Those types could care less, are focused solely on the fulfillment of their own needs, and lack the ability to empathize with others.

Maybe you should read up on date rape (PDF): http://web2.fit.edu/caps/documents/daterape.pdf

"Every six minutes in the U.S. a woman is raped. Alarmingly, the majority of these women know their assailants. . .one in four women were victims of rape or attempted rape. Of these incidents, 84% of the victims were raped by someone they knew and 57% of the assaults took place during dates. . .[date rape] is a type of rape that occurs after the individuals involved have agreed to social engagement. . .Women can be made vulnerable to rape when they spend time alone with a man. This includes a dorm room, apartment, and even a car. On your first few dates, consider using your own transportation, participate in the planning of the date by recommending places to go. . .You will not only be asserting your independence; you will also be ensuring your safety."

But in your case, a wise, independent woman that's casually signaling that she's capable of ensuring her safety in a joking manner is, "downright psychotic." Got it.

"I have a frozen fish I've carved into a shiv."

Great idea! Listen up ladies! When dealing with an entitled man that feels he should have access to you - alone in your home - after a couple of dates. . .apparently frozen fish can come in handy, too LOL ;-)

Thanks for the tip my friend!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror.... Happy Holidays.

I seriously HATE dating. It is OVERRATED :(... So I recently met a guy at a Walmart. I was excited about that because online dating has taken over the traditional way of dating/courting. Oh how I miss that way of dating so much. oye!! We've talked on the phone a few times. We've also exchanged some texts, but now he is texting more than calling. I've mentioned to him twice nicely that I prefer to talk on the phone rather than texting. Because text can get misunderstood. Obviously, that did not work! Now he texted me this afternoon, I did not answer. I don't plan to answer. If he wants to get a response from me, he should call, right??? He has told me a few times that he is interested in me. That he likes me. He is in a situation that is crazy. I am not going to wait around for him while he working on his situation. So here it is, he is currently married, but separated. Meaning they live separately. He has been living along for 2 years (he invited me over his house and took me on a tour and I did not see a presence of a woman anywhere. I don't usually do this but I made sure I had my blade in my pocket and my phone in my hand). He tells me that his friends tell him to get the divorce but he is afraid of being alone. This is his second marriage. They don't have any kids together. So you would think that he would've been divorce. My goal is to ask him if he still loves the woman and is in love. If he is still in love with her, then I DO NOT want to be involved in that mayhem. He has to figure it out. And although, I have met him and would love to date him and see where it goes because he has almost met my checklist but dang! There's always something. Ugh!!! I am online hoping to get a date from there also. That is an animal in itself. The man seem to be so negative on the sites and then there are the old man that is close to being my grandfather's age trying to chat with me...DISGUSTING!!!

Mirror, please help. When a man texts more than call, when you have mentioned your preference. What should I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 27, 4:01 PM,
"When a man texts more than call, when you have mentioned your preference. What should I do?"

Upon his next text, simply respond back by saying, "Call me tonight." If he doesn't call or respond back to that, don't respond back to his next text. If he texts after that and says, "Why aren't you responding?" Text him back, "Call me tonight."

Don't engage him over text by explaining yourself. Keep it short and sweet - "Call me tonight." Enough said. The ball is now in his court. He's been given the "green light" to contact you directly.

All he has to do -- is follow through on that.

If he doesn't and he keeps texting you as if nothing happened and you never invited him to call, and he's ignoring that, every time he texts you respond with those same three words, "Call me tonight."

If the above takes place and he never follows through. . .you don't want to be dating a man that has no follow through in life. And he's just done you the favor of making a quick decision about him for you ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

I used no contact and he got the idea. He wasn’t happy about it and wanted to talk about me being “passive aggressive” about unhappy with him disappearing for days and dissapearing on him in a response. He thought i was being a coward instead of telling him. I had told him i wanted to talk more and he used that against me by saying i was being passive aggressive.

He accused me of not putting in effort and if i wanted a relationship than i would have to start putting more work in. I agreed and told him I would try and start texting more. I did and he responded within a few minutes. However, we didn’t have a conversation.

I feel weird texting first now because I never did in the past. Since then, I went off the radar and so did he so now it’s back to who texts firsts.

What can i do to avoid him of accusing me of not caring while still setting healthy boundaries? I already indicated I wasn’t okay with the random dissapearing he does so often yet he keeps doing it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 25, 12:38 AM,
"I used no contact and he got the idea. He wasn’t happy about it and wanted to talk"

That's great - however, he seemed to keep the focus on YOUR behavior instead of HIS, which was manipulative on his part.

"He thought i was being a coward instead of telling him."

Sounds like he conveniently forgot about the times you expressed your unhappiness before you even used NC.

"He accused me of not putting in effort and if i wanted a relationship than i would have to start putting more work in."

That's actually really funny coming from a man that randomly disappears for days and "checks out" regularly from his own relationship.

What he's doing here is commonly called "gas lighting." The definition of gas lighting is: "manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. . .Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to gain power. . .Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which the one doing it tries to get power over his or her victim by making them think they are crazy, out of sorts and "off." The gaslighter lies to, manipulates and questions the other person for control."

That's what he's doing to you here.

"I agreed and told him I would try and start texting more."

Why would you do that? Why would you agree with him as if he's in the right here? He's emotionally manipulating you (so that the focus isn't on his behavior of disappearing without word regularly and instead, is on your reaction to his actions).

What did he have to say for himself about his random regular disappearances? What did he have to say for himself about "checking out" of his own relationship whenever he sees fit?

"I feel weird texting first now because I never did in the past."

This guy has emotionally manipulated you into chasing him now :-(

Bottom line is this dear -- the only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested in her is to see if HE pursues HER.

If he doesn't do that, then his lack of action tells you something and you need to think about whether or not this man is the right man for you.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"What can i do to avoid him of accusing me of not caring while still setting healthy boundaries?"

Nothing. That's the truth. There's nothing that you can do that will stop this man from attempting to emotionally manipulate you when he's confronted about his own behavior. He's using a classic textbook move here often referred to as "shifting blame."

He's basically saying, "I don't want to have to explain my disappearances. I don't want to have to answer to you for that. I don't want to have to be accountable for my own actions so instead -- I shift the blame for what's happening now onto you.

Instead of talking about my behavior that caused this, I'd prefer to focus on your reaction to my behavior instead. That way, I get to blame you for this instead of being responsible for my own actions."

People that are lying to others or hiding things will ALWAYS attempt to get the focus off of their behavior and onto someone else. It's human nature to do that.

Why?

Because they're hiding something. That's why they're disappearing without explanation. So naturally, they're never going to stop making accusations at the other individual because they don't want to have to talk about the truth.

A man that genuinely cares does NOT treat his significant other like this dear. He does NOT take it for granted that she'll be there no matter how poorly he treats her. He does NOT disappear, causing her to feel insecure in their relationship. And he does NOT manipulate her when confronted with his own behavior.

"I already indicated I wasn’t okay with the random disappearing he does so often yet he keeps doing it."

So now you have your answer.

You've tried to talk and all he does is use manipulation so that he doesn't have to answer for his disappearances. He hasn't explained his actions. Nor has he ceased disappearing.

At this point, you now know all you need to know to make an wise decision about this man for yourself.

Is this man making you happy? Are you enjoying yourself? Are you enjoying your experiences with this man?

Dating is supposed to be fun and exciting. It's not supposed to make you question yourself or your sanity. It's not supposed to create negative feelings of anxiety and worry.

If this man isn't making you happy and bringing positive experiences into your life -- then he's not a man worth dating. Period.

Anonymous said...

Hi Moa,

Thank you very much for your in depth analysis. I knew something was off and now you confirmed what my instincts were trying to tell me.

The only other question I have is if feeling insecure when a man checks out is a reflection on self esteem or lack of trust between two individuals? Part of me wonders that if I was truly confident in our dynamic then several days (3-4) of no contact from him would not be a problem.

Also, what are your thoughts on Bumble? Where the woman has 24 hours to reach out to a man vs Tinder where there are no rules like that.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 25, 1:09 PM,
"what are your thoughts on Bumble? Where the woman has 24 hours to reach out to a man"

Bumble is garbage. Plain and simple.

It's an app that contributes to the entire problem at the core of dating nowadays, which in my opinion -- is the flip-flopping of our natural gender roles.

In nature, man leads, woman submits.

The man's power lies in his ability to take the lead. And a woman then has the power of choice at her disposal - she chooses whether or not to submit to the man's leadership.

That app completely reverses that and place the woman into the masculine role of leadership, and forces men into the feminine submissive role of choice.

It's unnatural in my opinion.

Women admire male leadership, and sites like Bumble require the woman to take the man's leadership role on. . .so she doesn't get to see if the man has any leadership skills at all.

I think an app that encourages women to "chase" after men is ridiculous. They even take it a step further by creating an undue sense of "urgency" as well.

Which basically amounts to telling women, "Hurry up! Chase him down TODAY or you're going to lose this one forever!"

Bumble wants to create a population of anxious women scurrying around chasing men down. It's absurd and pathetic in my opinion, and places women into a constant mental state of "desperation."

"is feeling insecure when a man checks out a reflection on self esteem or lack of trust between two individuals?"

Both. Because as humans, we can all have our insecurities triggered. However, when two people trust one another, you're naturally less insecure about the relationship. Even if you're feeling a bit insecure in that moment, you're less apt to take action on it if you trust the other individual.

When trust exists, it helps to reduce insecurity.

In your case, this is less about you than it is about him. He's failing you as a boyfriend, because he's failing to do his job and the WORK required to be a worthy boyfriend.

He's lecturing you about how you need to work harder on the relationship, while he does not do his job and the work required to make you feel secure in the relationship.

A good boyfriend worth having thinks of his girlfriend, even when he's not with her. He thinks about how his actions will affect her. And he's mindful of her feelings. He doesn't disappear on her because he's afraid of losing her, he doesn't want to disrespect her, he values her highly, he's appreciative of her, and he doesn't want her worrying (or feeling insecure).

A good boyfriend worth having doesn't do things that he knows will make his girlfriend feel insecure. He doesn't flirt with other women to make her jealous. He doesn't disappear on her for days, leaving her wondering who he's with and who he's talking to. And he doesn't gas light her when she questions his behavior.

This guy is NOT DOING THE WORK required to be one half of a healthy relationship. Instead, he's leading his life as if he's single, and then he's emotionally manipulating you when you question why the hell he's doing that. He's taking off for days doing whatever he wants (as if he's single), and then he's blaming you when you question him about why he's behaving like that.

It's a very toxic unhealthy situation. And ANY woman in that situation would feel insecure with this man. Any woman he would date would question his behavior (not just you).

So it's really about him not being ready for a committed relationship (it's not about you being insecure).

If he behaved like a man that was in a relationship, I'm quite sure you wouldn't feel insecure. But instead, he's behaving as if he's single and doesn't have to answer to anyone.

Women do not find that to be an enjoyable experience with a man. That's a man that isn't ready to settle down into a commitment :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

Again, thank you for your response as it is really insightful and helpful.

I apologize because I was not clear beforehand. Technically, he and I are not in an established relationship so I recognize neither of us has the right to demand attention from one another as if we are a couple.

From what I gathered from our conversation here is to go back to when I was first started dating him and reset healthy boundaries because I think they got lost along the way somehow. At least now I know, thanks to your insight, that he uses shifting blame when confronted with the consequences of his actions. I heard that the beginning stages of dating sets the tone for how a prospective relationship will go so if this is what I have to deal with on a daily basis than I think I'll start rethinking dating him all together.

I can only guess the reason that he is acting out and up and leaving for days while simultaneously expecting me to put in work without him doing the same seems to me like an indication of self entitlement as well as a failure on my part to set boundaries and convey my standards.

Thanks for everything because you really are helping me figure things out and I am glad I get to share my story to help others on this site. :) I have a feeling gas lighting and shifting blame only scrape the surface of what men are capable of using on woman. At least other readers on here get to see an example.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

I recently started having dates with this one guy and it’s been about two months going on three and I don’t know how long it takes for a man to decide if he wants to be exclusive or not. I know friends of mine who’ve been on only a few dates and the man asked to be exclusive with them so now I feel very insecure about where I’m at.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 20, 7:25 PM,
"I don’t know how long it takes for a man to decide if he wants to be exclusive or not."

Generally speaking, if a man hasn't fallen in love with you and asked you for exclusivity by the 6 month mark, it's time to move on.

If that doesn't happen by the 6th month, it's best to have the "I'm sorry, but this doesn't seem to be going anywhere" conversation with him.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

Thank you so much for responding. I will take your 6 month mark advice.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

I have been texting a guy for close to a month, just friendly chit chat, no sex. The last two weeks I noticed he has been sending me various "accidental texts". Sometimes he will write back and say "oops sorry wrong person" or "oops meant for someone else" other times not. It has been happening too often for them to be accidental. The accidental texts are not of subjects that would make me jealous but rather bland in nature.


Yesterday we were texting for 35 minutes about a topic. A hour later he writes back with something that is completely foreign to what we were discussing, almost like it wasn't him who wrote it and possibly meant for another. The text was in abbreviations. Anyway, I just ignored it totally and later next morning I wrote "whatever" as I felt I was being mind fu***cked. No response to my message or any sort of explanation as to why he wrote it. A person with good intentions would see it (and apologize wrong person) or see that he sent that and provide some sort of explanation.

I have this big pit in the bottom of my stomach that he is deliberately playing "mind" games. Although I am no doctor, I have read up on psychopathy and wonder if he might have some of those characteristics. He won't put any of his cards on the table so to speak.

I want to ask him directly about it but suspect I might not get a straight answer, given that he likes to play cat and mouse.


Should I stop all communication? I feel like I want to so that all this confusion can go away! I am emotionally exhausted.

Lisa






The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lisa,
"I have been texting a guy for close to a month, just friendly chit chat, no sex. The last two weeks I noticed he has been sending me various "accidental texts". Sometimes he will write back and say "oops sorry wrong person" or "oops meant for someone else" other times not. It has been happening too often for them to be accidental. . .I have this big pit in the bottom of my stomach that he is deliberately playing "mind" games."

Did you meet this man on a dating app? Have you ever met him in real life?

If you've met him in real life and this is unlike him, then I suspect he's either playing games, or talking to SO MANY women -- he can't keep his stories or conversations straight.

If you met him on a dating app, you could be talking to someone behind a fake account. Or, you could be talking to a man that deliberately created the account just to harass women from it.

This article here could shed light into what I've just stated above. While the situations aren't exact - the concept is similar.

How Rejected Men Use Dating Apps to Torment Women:

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/8x4jbg/when-harassers-use-tinder-and-bumble-to-dox-and-women

"Should I stop all communication? I feel like I want to so that all this confusion can go away! I am emotionally exhausted."

The bottom line is this -- dating should be fun and enjoyable. If you're not having fun and the situation isn't enjoyable, then you should remove yourself from it.

The people you let into your life should ADD to it, not DETRACT from it.

People that bring positive energy into your life should be permitted to enter it. However, those that bring negative energy into you life should not.

This man isn't adding anything positive to your life. He's injecting negative energy into it that is creating confusion, self-doubt and exhaustion.

This is an easy one - run, and don't ever look back LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror,

After reading your article I have to share my fears. A guy I was seeing routinely dissapears and now that we have a lot of distance between us (we both moved away) I’m afraid if I go silent on him in return I will lose all hope in him returning. I think I’m just afraid to let go because he meant a lot to me at one point.

Please, is there anything I can do or if you have any advice for me whose struggling to let go?
I’m moving back to where he is in a few months but by then it may not matter.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 21, 8:51 PM,
"After reading your article I have to share my fears."

If you live life letting fear steer the wheel, you'll never reach your destination. The magic happens outside of your comfort zone.

"A guy I was seeing routinely disappears and now that we have a lot of distance between us (we both moved away) I’m afraid if I go silent on him in return I will lose all hope in him returning."

Returning for what? Returning so he can use you, and then disappoint you and disappear all over again? Why wish for more of that? That's a nightmare of repeated emotional abuse over and over and over again. Why put yourself through a cycle of repeated disappointments?

It's a co-dependent cycle that's toxic and will destroy your self-confidence. If you do not break the cycle and you permit it to continue, you'll lose your sense of self-worth: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

"Co-dependency is. . .an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

"The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self."

What about YOUR needs and YOUR happiness? Where does the fulfillment of those come from?

You need to love yourself enough to put your own happiness first. The VERY BEST thing you could do for yourself is to go silent on this man, and let him be gone forever.

A man that is genuinely interested in a woman and cares for her does NOT treat her like this.

You deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with a man that makes you a priority in his life. One that is mature enough to handle your heart with care. And one that is able and willing to fulfill your needs and make you happy.

If you continue to live in a state of fear, you could end up stuck in this toxic loop with this man for years - even decades. Break the cycle. Love yourself. Put yourself first and forget about this man. Do not let him steal the best years of your life away from you.

LOVE YOURSELF. PUT YOURSELF FIRST ;-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror,

Thanks for responding. I had no idea I had developed a co-dependency cycle, at least not consciously. I think, deep down, I knew but refused to believe it so thank you for making me more aware and being straight with me about what was happening and what was not happening.

I forgot that I needed to be my own cheerleader so having someone remind me that I stepped away from that is really what I needed to be aware of. Thank you for championing my happiness and demonstrating that I need to do that for myself.

Anonymous said...

Mirror:

I started dating a guy close to a month ago. Things started slow in a platonic way which was ideal for me as I want to be friends first.

Recently he started flirting a bit by text and then asked me out for coffee. At the start he said he wanted to get to know me. He told me a lot about his life and asked me lots of questions also. Two hours later we were on the beach and sitting on a bench. He put his arm around me and asked if I was okay with that. I felt an immense chemistry between us both. We sat and talked under moonlight and did some minor kissing and a lot of hugging. I was ecstatic it moved further from platonic. The next day he kept texting saying it was his best night ever, he couldn't sleep, has not been that turned on for a long time. He asked me out again 2 days later and we went to the same area and walked in the park. We talked a lot and did some kissing. At the end of the night he suggested we go bike riding which I agreed to.

Here's the kicker. The next day he texts me to say how wonderful I am, we have so much in common and there's chemistry, etc. BUT he's scared. What do you make of that? Ever since then he has relegated me to pen pal status, but making comments alluding to the fact we may go out again but nothing concrete.

Would you say he is a player? Got cold feet? It wasn't like we met last week. We knew each other platonically for a month before the physical aspect started up.

I refuse to be a text buddy. Yesterday I texted him to say I am not interested in being a pen pal and he never responded back. I felt like he was popping in and out by text with generic statements like "you are wonderful, beautiful, how is your day, etc." I really got frustrated and frankly felt demeaned in a way to be treated as such.

I called him on the phone and asked what it was he was looking for. I got a very vague answer "to make you happy". What does this mean? He wouldn't elaborate after I asked him to clarify what that meant to him. It seems bringing up[ issues like this directly does no good with some men.

Would you suggest I stop replying to his mundane texts? Is he wasting my time?

Help! Jasmine

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 22, 1:24 PM,
"I had no idea I had developed a co-dependency cycle, at least not consciously."

You're not alone there. Most times, that cycle develops without our awareness of it. And that's why it's very easy for us, as human beings, to become "trapped" in that cycle.

If we don't know we've entered it -- then it becomes difficult for us to remove ourselves from it. Awareness is key to overcoming it. So now that you're aware, you can consciously work towards breaking that cycle.

So this is a GOOD thing, and not something bad :-)

"I forgot that I needed to be my own cheerleader so having someone remind me that I stepped away from that is really what I needed to be aware of. Thank you for championing my happiness and demonstrating that I need to do that for myself."

Always remember this -- there are times in life when selfishness is actually a good thing.

If you find yourself feeling helpless or feeling as if you or your kindness is being taken advantage of, you need to stop and think about what YOU ARE GETTING THAT'S POSITIVE out of the situation.

You need to put on the brakes and ask yourself these 4 questions:

1) Are my needs being fulfilled here?
2) Am I being made a priority?
3) Does this other person show me the respect, kindness, compassion and understanding that I deserve?
4) Is this situation adding to my happiness?"

If the answers are:

1) My needs are constantly left unfufilled.
2) I am not made a priority.
3) This other person doesn't show me the respect, kindness, compassion and understanding that I deserve.
4) This situation is creating negativity and bad feelings about myself.

Then you know what you need to do. It's time to remove yourself from the situation because there's nothing positive to be gained from it by you.

Jot those 4 questions down and use them in the future. Hold that conversation with yourself and be honest with yourself when you answer them.

If you do that, you'll always be looking out for #1 - yourself ;-)

Nothing comes above your own happiness in life.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Jasmine,
"The next day he texts me to say how wonderful I am, we have so much in common and there's chemistry, etc. BUT he's scared. What do you make of that?"

He has signaled to you that he's a man that:

1) Isn't ready for a real relationship
2) Doesn't have the emotional capacity to be one half of a committed relationship
3) Lack emotional maturity

Basically, what he's saying to you is, "As much as I'd love to continue exploring where this will lead, I do not have the emotional maturity to do so in a confident, reliable manner. So please do not expect uch from me, because chances are I'll disappoint you."

He's "put you on warning."

"Ever since then he has relegated me to pen pal status, but making comments alluding to the fact we may go out again but nothing concrete."

Careful. Now that he's "warned" you that he's not mature enough for this -- this is the kind of guy that will sleep with you, and then disappear on you.

And he's already got his excuse to make that exit lined up by claiming "he's scared."

And mind you, what he's fearful of. . .is a loving, committed relationship. So he's going to run from one at any and all costs, whether he sleeps with you or not.

"Would you say he is a player? Got cold feet?"

I'd say he's emotionally immature and not ready for anything more than a casual fling. He's not going to stick around for anything more than that, as you can already see. He'll take things to a certain point and then BAM - he'll run away and disappear, just as he's already done.

Does that make him a player? Yea, in women's eyes it probably does.

Does he intend to behave like he's a player? No, probably not. He probably doesn't realize what his behavior looks like to women.

But because he disappears, runs scared like a child and really cannot handle anything to emotionally challenging in a mature manner. . .he's likely hurt a lot of women. He's likely left a lot of women feeling used, taken advantage of, and then discarded.

And he's probably not mature enough to even recognize this about himself.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I texted him to say I am not interested in being a pen pal and he never responded back."

That's to be expected. Like I said, this guy cannot handle anything emotionally challenging. He's not mature enough. So instead, he runs away fearful like a child when he feels that anything too emotionally "heavy" is coming his way.

"I felt like he was popping in and out by text with generic statements like "you are wonderful, beautiful, how is your day, etc."

There's a term for that, and it's called "e-maintaining."

When you string someone along via a tech device, email, etc. As in, "electronic maintaining." Maintaining contact just enough so that he hasn't completely broken it. Maintaining it just enough to keep you hopeful.

"I really got frustrated and frankly felt demeaned in a way to be treated as such."

As you should. It's disrespectful and insulting to a woman's intelligence for men to think we cannot see through these games and their attempts to manipulate us emotionally.

"I called him on the phone and asked what it was he was looking for. I got a very vague answer "to make you happy". What does this mean?"

It's non-committal. . .just like he is.

Basically, he's saying, "I don't want anything but to have some fun and a good time with you." He just wants something loose and casual. A woman he can see on a whim, or pick up the phone and call when he wants to, and hopefully see her, sleep with her, and then not have to really talk to her but via text until he wants to do that all over again in a few weeks.

"He wouldn't elaborate after I asked him to clarify what that meant to him."

Of course he won't elaborate. He's not going to say to you, "I just want to see you every once in a while and have sex without any strings attached." And he's not going to be honest with you about that because he knows if he admits he just wants a friend with benefits you'll move on and away from him (and he'll lose the sexual opportunity with you that he's attempting to build up to).

"It seems bringing up[ issues like this directly does no good with some men."

It does good with men - but it doesn't do good with immature "boys" that lack the emotional capacity to handle it.

And guess which one you're dealing with here LOL ;-)

"Would you suggest I stop replying to his mundane texts? Is he wasting my time?"

If you're seeking a committed relationship, then I'd stop replying ASAP. In that case, yes, he's definitely wasting your time.

If you're seeking a warm body for a casual fling, then he's your guy. In that case, he'll see to it that he becomes your "mimbo" (male bimbo) party boy LOL.

But don't expect much satisfaction there if the latter becomes the case. Nine times out of ten, men like this - that don't permit themselves to get emotionally close to a woman - know absolutley nothing about them or their bodies when it comes to sex.

In order to become a good seasoned lover, a guy has to be willing to become emotionally intertwined with a woman. Because the biggest sex organ a woman has is her brain. Her heart comes next.

So if a man cannot, and has never, connected with a woman's heart and mind -- you can be guaranteed he knows nothing about what satisfies a woman sexually. Because you've got to touch those two things first in order to really "activate" her.

Running scared from women's hearts and minds = bad lover.

Men like that are able to go through the motions and nothing more. Encounters with them generally become 3 minutes of pure. . .disappointment LOL.

Just sayin' ;-)

P.S. Haters, please don't hate. This is truth and you know it.

Miss extra said...

I’ve been texting this guy for a little over a month I met through a friend we talk on the phone once Which turned into face time once but mostly text . He always initiates I’ve done it twice but I’m not doing that again After the face time. He went to on a weekend vacation we didn’t text much but when he got bck. He text me I tried calling him He call me bck to tell me that he would call me back he ends up texting me ok I prefer to text myself ok. But still he send good morning text Texts throughout the day I think In the beginning I was replying right bck. But I started to make him wait for my response longest been an hour. Nd he always responds bck rather quickly Ok so We been texting since he’s been bck he finally asked me if I wanna chill I said sure do. I mean it been a month now we’re sexting so naturally that was my reply “sure do what you I wanna do” he said he didn’t knw. It was up to me. I reply bck. Ok so let me figure something out I want you to have fun do you like arcade games or bowling ? It was the end of th night he did tell me he was tired. So I wrote it off to him falling asleep when he didn’t reply Normally I’ll wake up to a good morning text. But today. Nothing It’s afternoon what’s going on with this guy Was I too eager to go out with and come off desperate by planning the date I should mention he is coming over to my town. So I felt is was fair to choose a place. Should I text him or just stay calm Nd cool and see how it plays out the date is for the Up coming weekend

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Miss extra,
"Should I text him or just stay calm and cool and see how it plays out"

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if HE pursues HER.

If the woman does not remain in her feminine energy (submissive), and instead takes on the masculine lead role (initiator, leader), she takes the risk of negatively affecting the man's attraction to her.

Generally speaking, men are attracted to feminine energy (not masculine). So as a woman, you do not want to be exhibiting masculine energy.

"I mean it been a month now we’re sexting"

If you've never met this man and he's already seen you naked, chances are he's going to expect to come into town and see you naked immediately in real life. He'll be expecting a hookup. Which is fine, if that's what you're looking for.

But if your seeking a committed relationship, you shouldn't lead with sex. Because when a woman leads with sex, it enables the man to view her as a sexual object (and not a real human being with feelings). You don't want a man objectifying you when you're seeking a committed relationship with him. Instead, you want him to get to know you as a person, and you want him to develop respect for you.

If you've been the one leading and initiating contact, and you have no idea whether or not this man is truly interested in you, the only way you're going to find that out. . .is to do nothing, and see if HE pursues YOU.

Miss extra said...

Thankyou mirror I appreciate this help But to clear something up He hasn’t seen my body naked I’ve seen his via face time I guess it’s still puts me in the same situation regardless of who expose them self? I don’t want a relationship honestly but I do want this guy around for a while I just want to date and figure out the type of man I need. Well the date is today. And yesterday he went full no contact with me and I’m so glad I found this blog otherwise I would have driven myself crazy. If he doesn’t initiate a conversation today but why would he stop texting right before our date that’s insane to me

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm a 46 y/o woman who has spent most of my adult life in exclusive relationships (last 3 of them totaled 25 years). Being single is difficult for me and I think more so now that, within the last year, I moved 1,500 miles away from my last relationship to somewhere I have previously lived, yet, know virtually nobody.

I was shocked about 2 months ago to get a private FB message from one of the owners of a company I used to work for here. We hadn't seen or talked to each other in 18 years, and we weren't FB friends. He is 13 years my senior and while a couple of times while I was employed at his company he let me know he thought I was attractive, it was nothing more to it than that and I was married and he engaged. He invited me to come to the office and catch up with not only him, but others and I did. He and I chatted privately in his office for about an hour with him very directly asking me about my relationship status (I told him I was not in a relationship, but selective on who I see) and inviting me to come with him to see his son's band perform the next time they play at a venue near my home. He also told me a little bit about why his last relationship (5 months) had ended a couple of months earlier. Apparently, she was "the jealous type" and started messing with his FB account. After our chat, while I was touring the facility with the president of the company, he had to leave for an appointment and found us in the warehouse to give me his business card.

Last Wednesday or Thursday, I did message him to ask when his son was playing next near my house and he said that they aren't currently scheduled, but invited me (2 days prior) to a gig further away. Because I don't drink and drive, I took Lyft and met him. The place was packed and I ended up locating him and he said he thought I had stood him up. LOL

Anonymous said...


We had a great time and he even invited me to go with him and a group of his friends to the lake over the 4th of July. I was really touched by his open and vulnerable discussion about why his marriage failed, she not only invalidated/disregarded his, then 12 y/o son, but then tried to pressure him, in his 40's to have more children. I could truly see how deeply and sincerely he loves his son (now 29) and is truly a good father. He drove me home and I let him stay over because it would've been another 30 miles for him to drive home, but only kissed and snuggled. No petting or anything else. He took me to breakfast the next morning and was on his way. He was a complete gentleman the entire time and even commented that now that he is older, he appreciates the intimacy of kissing and snuggling and that it did not bother him that that was all we did. That was Sunday.

Monday, I didn't hear from him until right before he went to bed and he messaged, "Night, night". I responded and told him goodnight back.

Tuesday, I did message him that I had just past the office on my way to an appointment. We talked about what we were doing later, but did not attempt to make plans together.

He has, during his time, sent a friend request that I confirmed and has been actively responding to my posts. I responded to one comment in messenger because it was more appropriate (I don't publicly advertise who I'm seeing on social media). He was promptly responsive and caring.

Today, he liked a post I made about cuddling, but did not comment so I have not responded. My thoughts are that I will respond to comments, messages, and phone calls, but not FB reactions/likes. I do have to say though it is difficult and found this article talking myself off the ledge. LOL

Your intuition and read on situations in earlier comments seems spot on so what I would like to know is what are your thoughts on what's gone down this far and his possible frame of mind/intentions. My picker has been, in the past, notoriously wrong, but with a lot of work on myself, I think or hope it's improving. I'd also like to know how often is usual for people to see each other at this stage in the game?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous June 15, 12:31AM,
"He also told me a little bit about why his last relationship (5 months) had ended a couple of months earlier. Apparently, she was "the jealous type" and started messing with his FB account."

Careful here. A woman doesn't just start messing with a man's FB account and becoming jealous for no reason.

Nine times out of ten, when a woman starts behaving insecurely like that, it's generally because the man's behavior "triggered" her insecurities somehow. For example, he's been caught lying. He's been spotted out with another woman he calls a "friend." He's missing for hours on end without explanation. He's not taking her calls or responding to her texts during those hours.

You get the idea. He's telling you the end result. But he's left out what triggered that. So don't buy everything he's attempting to sell you just yet. There's always more to the story than the end outcome.

"I was really touched by his open and vulnerable discussion about why his marriage failed, she not only invalidated/disregarded his then 12 y/o son, but then tried to pressure him in his 40's to have more children."

Again, don't just buy everything he's trying to sell you here. According to this man, he's done nothing wrong, he's a saint, and it's all her fault.

We're grown adults here. So we know life simply isn't that cut and dry. There's more to the story, and yes -- he's played some role in it. There's his side, her side and the truth lies somewhere in between.

For all you know, this man promised her children and a family of her own and failed to follow through with that, so she began pressuring him to follow through. And you don't know she disregarded his son. That's what he's claiming, but for all we know, she tried very hard with his son and his son, being a 12 year old boy, simply wanted nothing to do with her because she wasn't his mother.

Again, we don't know the specifics. But my point is -- there's a lot more to the story. This woman was good enough for him to marry. Funny how she supposedly turned into a horrid person overnight by his account. My guess is there's a lot more to this that he's leaving out. Again, he's telling you the end result -- but isn't telling you about any of the events that led to that result, or his part in those events.

So until you get to know this man better, and understand where he's been for the last 20 years, take what he's telling you with a grain of salt. There's a lot you likely do not know.

"what are your thoughts on what's gone down this far and his possible frame of mind/intentions"

It's way too soon to tell. A meet up and one date isn't enough to go off of. Because naturally, everyone (man or woman) is on their best behavior during the early stages of dating. It's not until you get past that stage, and invest some real time spent together over the course of weeks / months that the true self surfaces.

You're not going to be able to have a good grasp on this man's current true character until you've had at least 8 or 9 dates (about 2 months into it). Keep in mind too that most people nowadays never even make it that far I'm sad to say. So keep your feet on the ground, and maintain a healthy distance for now.

Don't let yourself get too wrapped up in this emotionally until he's proven himself genuinely interested. (i.e. He's stuck around for 2 months w/o disappearing or becoming wishy-washy, indecisive and unreliable.)

Be mindful so that you don't begin idealizing him now and end up falling for the ILLUSION of who he MIGHT BE, instead of the REALITY of who he TRULY IS. Many women begin idealizing the man immediately and falling for the illusion, only to end up slamming back to earth when reality hits hard.

Don't let that be you. Protect your heart until he's proven himself first :-)

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"how often is usual for people to see each other at this stage in the game?"

In the first couple months, you can expect to date once a week. And you can expect to hear from him maybe once or twice a week. (i.e. Once for small talk leading up to the next date, and once after that with a date request.)

That's casual dating. And when you're casually dating someone, you cannot expect relationship type treatment. (i.e. daily communication, jumping right into seeing each other a lot regularly, becoming sexually intimate, etc.)

The first few weeks / 2 months or so are the "get to know you period." Think of it like socializing. You're getting to know if you enjoy his company, he's getting to know if he enjoys yours. And you're observing his behavior and treatment of you (and if it's not proper, you're not accepting anymore dates). You're observing whether or not he's telling you the truth, and seeking opportunities to verify that when possible (i.e. meeting his family, meeting his friends, seeing his home and how he lives, etc.)

After that's taken place and things are still progressing forward and going well, then you can expect to slowly begin to make more of an emotional investment into him.

Because he's proving himself genuinely interested, things are lining up, and his words are matching his actions :-)

Anonymous said...

Call me crazy for replying to a blog comment from 2012. But i need to point out his behavior at the restaurant was classic ASPD in it finest. To anyone who is unsure about the man you are dating I'll tell you this- if any behavior resembles this man she was dating please run away, and run far and as fast as you can. This type of man has a form of antisocial personality disorder aka sociopath, psychopath or narcissist. And those evil mother fuckers will damage parts of your spirit for life. Period.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't sure what thread to ask this question but here goes. What would your response be to an ex who keeps resurfacing to ask/declare via text that he wants to be friends, even though you clearly don't want to be? This ex cheated on you and you have been broken up for the better part of 4 years.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, Oct 2, 2018,
"What would your response be to an ex who keeps resurfacing to ask/declare via text that he wants to be friends, even though you clearly don't want to be?"

My response would be -- nonexistent ;-)

I would not bother to engage or waste my breath explaining myself to someone that's treated me so very poorly. Instead, I would let my lack of action / response speak for itself. I wouldn't bother to respond at all.

The best revenge is doing well. (i.e. Meaning, you're doing just fine; you don't give a hoot what this man thinks or says; and you're not even going to bother to respond.)

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