"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

How, What, When To Text Men

As many of my regular readers know, things have taken a turn into the dating world here with a myriad of dating and relating discussions now taking place. (Don't worry, we'll get back to astrology soon.) And I get asked a variation of one particular question quite often, and that is:

“Should I contact him?”

A few different variations of that are as follows:

“How should I text him?” “When do you text men?” “What do you text men?” “How do I respond?” “When do I respond?” “What should I say?” "How do you text men?"

And a personal observation about the matter is that women communicate too much, too often. Particularly in the early days of a budding relationship, the precise time when they should be communicating the least. Rather than sitting back, being emotionally strong, mysterious and confident, and letting the man pursue you, many women have taken to being the aggressors these days in relationships. That’s a real turn off to men. Let me correct that. That’s a real turn off to a man who genuinely likes you. (It’s a real turn on only to the man seeking a brief fling.)

Which, I believe, is the reason that more women, nowadays than ever, are experiencing the “hit and run” with men. Why are you being treated like a hit and run? Because you’re presenting yourself as the perfect victim for one. Being the aggressor with a man is akin to being a hitchhiker, standing on the side of the highway, using your goods to flag down passing motorists.

You get a ride – that’s it.  A ride to the next off ramp, nothing more.

And being the aggressor with men, especially when texting men, gives them the impression that you’re desperate for that ride. That you really want it, that you really need it and that you'll do just about anything to get it - even if it means selling yourself short. I don’t have to explain why that is NOT the impression you need to give the modern day male when texting men.

The modern day female aggressor is turning the dating world onto its head. And not in a good way. This behavior is making men lazy about dating. It’s not demanding that they rise to the challenge (which, by the way, they love) and it’s just downright too easy for them. As a result, many men have taken to serial dating, plowing their way through all these women who are offering themselves up on a platter.

Help a sister out, ladies. Stop doing this - right now.

You’re revealing too much about yourself by doing so and you don’t realize how much you’re saying by actually reaching out all the time. Do you realize what it says to a man when you’re always initiating the communication? Do you realize how your good morning texts are coming across to him? Do you realize how constantly checking in with him automatically tells him that there’s no other man in your life? Do you honestly think these are good impressions you’re making?

Take a look at the hitchhiker photo above?  Is that REALLY the impression you want to make?

When You're Initiating Communication First

You’re telling him you’re desperate for his attention. When you wish him good morning all the time, you’re telling him that you’re needy, that you’re obsessing over him, and that this is headed straight into relationship territory, quick. When you’re constantly checking in with him, you’re telling him that he’s on the end of a leash (yours) and that there’s no other man in your life. Hell, you’re telling him you HAVE no life. Now I ask you again, do you think these are good impressions to make early on in the dating game? Hell no.

Again, it’s akin to the hitchhiker. Standing on the side of the road, showing your goods screaming, “Me! Me! Please pick me errr . . . up.” Pick me up please. Really, that’s what you’re shooting for here? A pickup, a hook up?

Behave like that and that’s indeed what you’ll get . . . taken for a ride.

Men like a challenge, men admire confidence in a woman. Confidence is a known trigger for attraction. And triggering emotional attraction is what you need to shoot for to have a lasting relationship.

Bribery, convincing, constantly reminding him you exist . . yea, these do nothing for his attraction for you. Besides, who wants to be with someone you had to bribe with sex or convince verbally that you’re a great person and that they should be with you?

All of the below texting techniques are for responding only, not for initiating contact (because initiating contact is never a good thing unless you’re in love and you’re in an established, committed relationship. Then, it’s ok to start reaching out – a bit.)

Put on your seatbelts, gals. We’re about to take our own little ride here.

How To Text Men

Communicate In A Fun, Carefree Manner

When you do communicate with a man (in response, not via initiating it), you need to hang loose. You need to give the impression that you’re carefree and that you have a sense of humor, that you’re actually fun to be around. (Reminder: Communicating your emotions constantly is NOT considered fun for a man.)

Keep It Short

Women share too much and it can make men feel exhausted and drained. He doesn’t care what you ate for dinner or what you’re watching on TV. Keep your responses short, keep him guessing and most importantly, keep him wanting more.

Don’t Respond Immediately

If he gets a response to his texts in 3 minutes every time he texts you, you’re signaling to him that you’ve got not life, there’s nothing exciting going on, and that you’re sitting around waiting for him to contact you. It’s a known fact that people want what they can’t have. So being scarce when it comes to responding will trigger attraction for you. Being available immediately will throw a bucket of cold water on his attraction for you. You’ll be boring and predictable, not mysterious and exciting.

What To Text Men

Create General Tension Between The Two Of You

This has to be done carefully, but when done the right way, can have an INSTANT effect on a man. And it’s usually pulled off properly via some friendly teasing. For instance, if he texts you, “I’m really a nice guy” your response should be, “Well this should be interesting because I have a strict rule - I only date dickheads.”

A response like that will throw off his guard. All of a sudden, he’s intriqued. Why? Because you’re not like all the other “nice” girls. You’re not sitting there, saying boring stuff like, “Yea, you seem like a nice guy.” That triggers nothing in his erogenous zone or his emotional mind space. But take a lighthearted jab at him and boom – you’ve got his interest.

Another example might be this. Say you’re on a first date and he’s wearing a striped shirt. He says to you, “I normally don’t dress this way, but I dressed up for you tonight.” Your response should be something like, “Oh thank God because that shirt is making me dizzy.” He’ll look right into your eyes after that one. He’ll be tossed off guard and he’ll be wondering, “Did she really mean that?” Now that you’ve really captured his attention, when he goes for that look, you look right back at him and let a big grin slide across your face. Then you reach out and touch his arm (to reassure him) and say something like, “Gotcha, didn't I?”

When he goes home that night, he’ll still be unsure as to whether or not you meant what you said. Perfect. Because, you know what? He’s now thinking about you. And he’ll toss that around over and over and over, he’ll even be a little insecure over it. Again, perfect. (This is a tactic men use on women daily, playing on a bit of insecurity.) You see, you’re flipping the script on him. You’re not like other women, you’re different, and you’re not afraid that he won’t be interested in you. You’re not sitting there being fake and trying to please him, you’re sitting there being real and entertaining yourself. He’ll love that about you, trust me.

Create Sexual Tension Between The Two Of You

This, too, must be done carefully and in a respectful manner. Again, teasingly but lighthearted. For example, if he texts you and says, “I really liked that dress you had on the other night.” You respond by saying, “That’s good, because it’s going to be a while before you ever see me out of it ;-)”

Or if he says to you, “I was hoping we could spend a little private time together and maybe hang out at your place tonight” you respond by saying, “Sure, that’s fine. I have a Rottweiler (Disclosure: Mirror of Aphrodite does indeed own a Rottweiler) and a .38 Special that I’ll introduce you to if you don’t behave ;-)”

Or if you’ve met online and are planning your first date and he wants to pick you up and texts something like, “I can pick you up at 7.” You respond by saying, “I’m going to have to meet you there. You see, I’m a serial killer and my torture kit is in my trunk.”

Notice I added the wink emoticons after some of those text responses? It’s an immediate visual way to get the point across that you’re serious - but you’re also jagging – again, keep em’ guessing. It’s also a great way to make them smile and laugh, drop their guard and consider you funny and someone cool to be around. It also signals that they’re going to have to work at this a bit. Be a challenge.

Handle Aggressive Sexual Behavior Immediately, In A Mature Manner

Every guy ventures into sexual innuendoes eventually. So be prepared for how you need to handle this. First off, refrain from exchanging sexual images with one another and don't permit yourself to receive them from a man.

If a guy starts zapping you nude images of himself, it's best to cut that off right away by saying something like, “You must have me all wrong.” Or, “This is making me very uncomfortable, I was hoping you were different.” Just don’t go there, ever. It's not a good idea and dear God, never put your face in those images if you're going to do it anyway.

Men like that are players and they will send all their friends your naked photos. Trust me, I’ve seen hundreds from my male friends. More than I care too and it depresses me when I see loads of great women acting like harlots instead of real women. If you want to be treated like a harlot, send the photos (and know that you're relationship will be over in two months, either by his hand or yours). If you want to be treated like a woman and taken seriously, don’t engage in that behavior. Even in a committed relationship because when you break up, you might see those photos on his Facebook page.

When To Text Men

Umm, Never. Just Kidding – Sort Of

It’s a big no-no to initiate communication and texting with a man, especially in the early days of a budding relationship. You see, during that time, he’s hanging back and this is so that he can observe you closely. Him pulling back will bring up your insecurities and he knows this. So he’ll pull back and go into “wait and see” mode. Is she crazy? Is she a psycho? Is she needy? Is she emotionally unstable? Is she going to make me the center of her entire existence?

If you start texting him, he’ll deem the answer to all of the above questions a big, fat, resounding YES. And he’ll bolt on you.

If You’re In An Established, Committed Relationship

At this point, it’s ok to reach out. But not too heavily and only here and there. You can’t begin to overwhelm a man or dominate his time in any manner at any stage in a relationship. If you do that, he’ll break off the relationship eventually, no matter how far into it or how many months or years you’ve been dating.

If You’ve Had A Change Of Plans

If you’ve made plans and you’re running late or something has come up, go ahead and text him to let him know. It’s a sign of respect and courtesy at this point.

If You Said You’d Get Back To Him On Something

If you told him about something cool for him to check out or said that you’d get back to him about whether or not to go on a date this Friday, then yes, text him.

If He’s Made A Nice Gesture

If he’s sent flowers or an email that made you smile, something specifically for you since he knew you had a bad day or something, then yes, text him a nice thank you.

If It’s A Holiday or Special Occasion

If it’s Christmas or Thanksgiving or his birthday – go ahead and wish him well. But keep it short. Don’t make it look like it was an excuse for an hour long text session that’s going to dominate half of his day.

If He’s Texting You Consistently

If he’s in communication regularly and he seems really interested in moving the relationship forward (via his actions, not his words) then it’s ok to reach out but only once in a while. For example, if he’s been texting you good morning or goodnight every day for two weeks, beat him to the punch one morning or one evening and surprise him.

If you never do this and then one day, you do this, he’ll feel special and get really excited. But that’s only if it’s something you rarely if ever do, and have just done once or twice.

Get Into These Communication Habits

Get into the habit of communicating like this with men and you’ll have droves of them thinking your cool, funny and fun to be around. They’ll WANT to be around you, they’ll WANT to talk to you, they’ll ENJOY your company and they will SEEK you out.

So remember ladies, when communicating, keep it short, don’t be afraid to show your fun, snarky side, don’t be afraid to be yourself, be natural, be playful and be carefree. That’s it, it’s really that simple.

And men just absolutely adore simple.

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Anonymous said...

Mirror-- what if you have had a past with a guy, on again off again, but still really are into him? he's now seeing someone but keeps contacting you.. wanting to see you.. but not in a romantic, or physical way.. and it is not what you want.

I'll be honest. The connection I felt with him was very strong but it hurts to know he's actively pursuing someone else, while still wanting to see me. I'm confused and hurt. What can I do? Should I just ignore him? He calls me all the time. I've been not answering his texts and calls. thank you --- Claire

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 14, 9:15 AM,
"What can I do? Should I just ignore him?"

Yep - because if you don't show him a CONSEQUENCE for his decision to pursue someone else instead of you. . .it will only permit him to continue taking you and your attention for granted - and it will keep you emotionally glued to him.

He chose someone else - so what are YOU doing about that? What consequence have you shown him for that? Or - by treating you poorly and taking you for granted - did you instead unknowingly reward him for that. . .with more of your time and attention?

When someone treats you poorly and takes you for granted, you do NOT reward them with more of your time and attention. Instead, they are shown a consequence for their decision - and that consequence is no more access to you. No more communication, no more speaking to one another, no more seeing one another, no friendship - nothing.

Because if you permit them to treat you poorly and then you reward them for that by showering them with more of your time and attention. . .it will only signal to them that they can treat you as poorly as they like because no matter what they do - you'll still be there. And if they think that no matter what they do or how poorly they treat you that you'll still be there - then you can guarantee that they will lose respect for you and take you for granted.

Poor treatment = consequence. Nice treatment = reward.

Anonymous said...

From Claire: thank-you. You hit it on the head. If I keep talking to him, I might as well be saying, go ahead and do whatever you want. No, he needs to feel the consequences, which are, not having me being any part of his life. It all hurts very much, but it will get better, I'm sure. I'll continue to ignore his communication. I'm guessing that is telling him something? Thank you so much for your advice!! Claire

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I have more background to this story that I would like to have your opinion on... However, for now I'm curious to know your thoughts on the following: How? ....do you let a man that you've recently started dating know that you are disappointed that he didn't so much as write a card for V-Day? It's important for me to be with someone that recognizes and makes an effort on holidays? I need that. ...Do you just move on from a man that isn't constructed & behaves that way naturally? How do you do this without coming across as demanding or spoiled? Men don't respond well to being told that you're disappointed. Do I just back way off? ....He sent me a message last night (Valentines) right at dinner time that said - ...What are you doing? I feel like he was trying to suss out if another man took me on a date? I didn't respond. He is no way tried to make me feel like "his" "valentines" so I didn't feel like he deserved knowing what I was doing. What do I do here?

Anonymous said...

Well all i can say is........what a big pile of steaming manure in context to ' initiating communication'!. Basically how that came across to myself is that.........us females should only speak,when spoken too!!. Hahaha.....from a woman's perspective i shall bid all that approach women this way with 'good luck'. Establishing a flexible conversing pattern should not be dominated by either sex. Christ.....ppl have enough to worry over these days to be stressing out on weather it is the right or most suitable time to respond to him/her. If someone can't handle the thought of him being on a ladies mind in the morning......well i doubt he very well belongs there to begin with. Peace to all.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 16, 12:59 AM,
"ppl have enough to worry over these days to be stressing out on weather it is the right or most suitable time to respond to him/her"

This has nothing to do with stressing out - it has to do with being feminine, letting a man be a man and take the lead to prove himself to you and not behaving desperately in a man's eyes.

It's very naive to think that men do not do the same - and calculate when to make the next move.

"You win by knowing the opponent's timing, and using a timing which the opponent does not expect." ~ Miyamoto Musashi

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 15, 11:04 AM,
"How? ....do you let a man that you've recently started dating know that you are disappointed that he didn't so much as write a card for V-Day?"

Silence will speak for you - if you let it.

"It's important for me to be with someone that recognizes and makes an effort on holidays? I need that. ...Do you just move on from a man that isn't constructed & behaves that way naturally?

If the man is showing you that he is in no way capable or willing to fulfill your emotional needs, then it's best to move on. Because nothing you do or say is going to change who he is.

"How do you do this without coming across as demanding or spoiled?"

You don't say anything - you instead - do nothing. Meaning, you let your silence speak for you. He has taken you for granted. The way to signal that that type of poor treatment isn't okay with you - is to show it in your actions and not your words. When a man takes you for granted, don't give him a lecture. Instead, show him a consequence. And that consequence is no access to you. No response, no communication, no social media - nothing. He hears nothing but crickets, and his attempts at communicating with you are ignored by you. Action is a language that men understand - you don't have to spell it out and explain it to them - they "get" the language of action because it's the language they speak.

"What do I do here?"

Decide if this man is the RIGHT man for you. If he's showing you that he's neither willing or capable of fulfilling your emotional needs - then chances are he's not the right man for you dear :-(

Anonymous said...

Hello, Aphrodite, Claire again. The phone calls are coming in multiple times now. I am not picking up. I suppose this is him wondering why I'm not talking to him? I read your advice on No Contact and love the 'crickets in the night' line. Funny.

I really wish he would want me in a real way, but I've been through this a couple of times now with this man. I doubt that the outcome will ever be different. It's hard to sleep right now and I'm very sad.

Do you have any advice about how to get yourself through this? thanks, Claire.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror

I cannot believe how stupid I've been acting over the last few days. Maybe you can give me some insight and help me move on from this situation. I've been so for for over a year now, I use to jump from one man to the other, but this time I was single properly. I met a guy recently and we went on a date on Friday, it went really well, we spoke easily, we laughed, there was a generally good feeling in the air. I went to his place that night, we only kissed, and I told him I wasn't going to sleep with him. A little after 12 I went home, and as I was driving I got a text from him that said "get home safe please" when I arrived at home I said "I'm home XXXX" and all he responded was "cool." The next morning I posted a photo on Instagram and he was one of the first to like it. So I sent him a text saying thank you for the evening It was lovely getting to know you, he then responded by saying "hey pretty lady, happy V Day" I wished him the same, and then I changed my profile picture and he then texted me saying he liked my previous photo better, to which I then replied "well then I hope you saved it" he then said "naaaaah" I then asked if he was still in bed and then he said he was working and he just passed out after I left, I then told him I couldn't sleep. He didn't respond and I didn't say anything further.

He carried on liking my photos on Instagram, and I thought it quite funny when he liked a photo I posted with the caption "silence is so accurate." Anyway this morning I posted another photo and he liked it, so I sent him a message asking him something which referred to the photo. He didn't respond, but I didn't give much thought to it. But, this morning I decided to do an Instagram clean up, I unfollowed a ton of people. A little while later I got a text from him saying "cool, but you just stopped following me" I couldn't reply because I was busy then he sent me another text "you know what, I think you're spiteful because I didn't respond to you immediately, and that isn't cool." I just calmly responded by saying it mustve been an accident, I would hate to lose his feed cos it's so interesting and that I've followed him back and I hope he has a lovely day. During this time he unfollows me as well, and as you can imagine hasn't responded.

What do you make of this? He's leo by the way. I don't know why this is affecting me so much, but I feel quite insecure after not dating for so long. Your help would be much appreciated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Do you have any advice about how to get yourself through this?"

The best I can suggest is to 1) rely on your personal coping skills to get you through it and deal with the anxiety and 2) remind yourself of all the poor treatment you've experienced at this person's hands - and then you won't feel guilty ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 16, 9:26 AM,
"What do you make of this?"

Well, this is a prime example of how social media is a damaging and unreliable communication tool. It's too casual, it's too easily misinterpreted, it can be used nefariously and it's not proper communication, particularly when dating and two individuals are attempting to get to know one another.
And by that I mean - picture the world prior to social media (not sure about others here but I actually lived in that world) - in that world, this NEVER would've happened. What would've happened instead is that most likely, this man would've called you at some point days or a week later and invited you out on another date.

But because of the interference of social media, the situation took a wrong turn.

Social media is purely for entertainment purposes. And when two people are dating, using social media to communicate honestly can be damaging, as this situation reveals. People start to read into things too much, play games, portray a completely false image of who they are, misinterpret things and hide behind social media, use it to make others jealous and yank people's chains - the list goes on and on and none of it's good. I may be the only person on the planet who feels this way, but I find social media to be 100% useless as a serious communication tool.

The best communication tool is still the telephone, where you can hear one another's voices, detect the tone of their voice and pick up their emotions from it. You can't do any of that on social media. Phone calls actually aid people in really talking to one another and engaging in healthy communication, while social media just seems to bring out the worst in people. Phone calls lead to future dates and getting to know one another - likes on Facebook or elsewhere don't do that. They simply muddy the waters, confuse people and cause them to read into things too deeply that actually mean nothing. Everyone's always attempting to decipher what a post or a like or a comment on social media means, trying to read into it - when the reality is that it means nothing at all - social media is for entertainment purposes and should not be taken seriously. And if you feel someone is using it to play games with you, that's an indication right there that THEY are not taking it seriously. It's all just very damaging in my opinion.

There's nothing you can do about this situation now. He may return to friend you again at some point in the future, but he also may not. And in both situations, honestly, there's nothing you can do but respond as you see fit. Moving forward however, you can leave social media out of the mix when dating and instead focus on communication that's real, not virtual, and will lead somewhere positive. Nothing beats speaking voice to voice on the phone or face to face in person - and no amount of social media will ever change that. The best you can do is to consider this a valuable lesson learned, take something positive from it, and in the future after a great date, ignore the social media updates and instead, focus on what can really have a positive affect on the outcome of the relationship :-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror, This is Valentines gone wrong again from the 15th. Update: He won't leave it alone and is upset that I didn't answer my phone Valentines night. As well as upset that there are many other nights I don't answer my phone. (We have just recently started dating and have been talking total for about a month and have been out together two times.) So I finally just told him the truth. I said I was very upset Valentines. Not a date with him. Not flowers. Not chocolate. Not a card. Zero. So I didn't feel like he deserved to know what I was doing. I told him that he made no effort to romance me at all; or to make me his Valentine. And I further told him that it wasn't a requirement to do any of that. But it wasn't a requirement for me to answer my phone either. So he said; ok. I can see your point. But then he said, that doesn't explain all the other nights you don't answer your phone. Mirror. The truth is - Yes, I do date other men. This man has not asked me to be his girlfriend. I don't want to set myself up to be dependent on one male that has made no commitment to me; so that two weeks from now he can pull a disappearing act. What do you recommend? He says that he doesn't feel like he can court me the way he wants to because I don't answer my phone many nights. And he's having problems feeling good about that ...and us. He said he's holding back and not really being with me because of that. What I want to say is: I want one relationship! When you ask me to be your committed girlfriend. Make a plan to see regularly. Invite me to meet your friends. Then I will happily make myself available to you in the evenings for a brief phone call. But until that happens, I'm not.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anoonymous Feb 18, 12:43 PM,
This man has no right to be asking you these questions or expecting you to make a commitment to him to make yourself available to him 100% of the time - and quite honestly, at this point, I'd rethink dating this man entirely as there appears to be insecurity that's causing a major control issue to surface here.

If he's acting like this now after 2 dates - picture what being with a man like this will be like a year or two from now? Is that something that you really want to even enter into? He's showing red flags right now, displaying control issues, and you need to give some thought as to whether or not moving forward with this man is even a good idea. Because he's prying into your personal business already and coming across as if you have to answer to him after only 2 dates - and that won't get better once you become deeply involved with him.

When women do this to men, and question them, question their behavior, track their whereabouts, lay expectations on them early on and expect commitments from the man where none exists - men slap the ole' "crazy lady" label onto the woman - think about it. . .is this any different just because it's a man?

"He says that he doesn't feel like he can court me the way he wants to because I don't answer my phone many nights. And he's having problems feeling good about that ...and us. He said he's holding back and not really being with me because of that. What do you recommend?"

It's simple - relay to him that you don't make commitments to men who aren't committed to you.

He's asking and expecting you to commit yourself to making yourself available to him all the time, when the reality is that he's not committed himself to you in any way. He's basically saying, "I can't commit myself to you, because you won't commit to making yourself available to me 100% of the time." That amounts to asking for a 100% commitment from someone - before you even think about committing yourself back to them in return. . .which is unfair and not realistic. That's not the way commitments work; they're not one-way streets. If he wants a commitment FROM you - then he needs to enter into one WITH you. He can't ask you to do that first and then wait for him to decide if he wants to do the same for you.

And chances are, I've seen this 100 times before, guys who act like this - it never fails, once you do turn around and give them what they want - a commitment to them while they remain free of one to you. . .nine times out of ten, these are the men that then start to yank your chains, play games, attempt to bring your insecurities to the surface, and enter into a power struggle with you for control of the relationship, because they're insecure. So at this point, I'd rethink dating him entirely because after only 2 dates is way too early to be acting like this.

Anonymous said...

As always Mirror. Thank you for keeping my head screwed on right; and your great insight. Can't thank you enough. Valentines

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA,

Valentine Day has come and gone. My LD BF text me an e-valentine card. It was typical card about loving me even though we are so far away. I was very disappointed he did not take the time to buy a nice card and mail it to me. Some flowers would also have made my heart skip a few beats. Last year on Valentine he mailed a card and had flowers delivered.

My concern is that my BF is not saying I Love You anymore or calling much to talk. His reason for this is apparently "there has not been an opportune time" (????).

He was here in January and right away he was all over me for sex. He says nothing at all during sex. After he left he did not text to say how wonderful it was. Last time he was here, he text me non-stop all day and night about how beautiful it was having me in his arms.

Feel that something is missing, in particular feelings for me. His texts are matter-of-fact in tone, no I Love you or I miss you anymore. He is doing less and less as time passes - like no more good morning beautiful or good nights, no card/flowers when he sent them to me last year, did not ask about an important medical test I was having.

In essence, it feels like he may be doing a slow fade out and does not want to hurt me. Mirror should I back off from this relationship? Have asked him several times when he is silent more frequently. I get a lame excuse that at this time of year he goes silent in order to cope, nothing to do with me.

Desperately need your advice ... thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 19, 4:36 PM,
I think there's a section in another article I've written here that you'll find very helpful. Visit this link (copy and paste it into a new tab in your browser if it isn't displaying as a link for you):


And then scroll down the page to the section titled, "What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory."

I think that'll help :-)

Anonymous said...

Hello, Mirror, Claire here: I keep coming back to your site to help me stay strong. My ex keeps texting, emailing, calling now that I have cut off all contact. It is getting a bit easier, although I do miss him. I feel like I'm in a place where I just have to get over him. Sometimes I think it would be so nice if he would actually realize that he wants just me, but then reality kicks in and I have to protect myself.

I can't help but wonder if I had been not quite so 'easy' and 'available' from the beginning, would this story have a different ending? I read your No Contact blog, and it is so unbelievably true!! But I am using it to try and get over him. You are right about all of your advice. Thank-you for this site. I will keep coming back for strength, and I will absolutely donate to you as well.. Claire.

Anonymous said...

Hi M.O.A... I enjoy reading your articles and all of your responses to the situations that has occured...

Here is my situation... I am soon about to me married to a Sagittarus man and I need your advice, suggestions, recommendation on how to handle this situation:

Well, he proposed to me early Saturday morning. There was still enough time for him to go to the local bar (i was tired and didn't want to go). He had a couple of drinks. He got home around 3am; with some food for me because he know what I wanted from the bar and began talking. He's pretty much talkative when he intoxicate. Which I enjoy because he has "loose lips" ... Anywho. He knew he had a scheduled appointment that was to arrived at the house between 8:30-12pm and he had to go to work that afternoon from 4pm-3am; so he got irritated that the appointment showed up at noon (which took the appointment 2.5 hours). He didn't sleep long because he came in the house running his mouth and didn't fall asleep until a little after 5 am. So needless to say, he's still intoxicated! We talked throughout the day on the phone when he called. Then the following day while I'm on my way back to the house. I get a call from him telling me he had an accident. He ran into our neighbors wife side door. It dinted her car door nicely but no scratches on his car. Now he's upset because we're getting married in 2 weeks and planning to go on a cruise thereafter. He is suppose to make the last payment by the end of next month and he has to get a few new items in the house. Plus the plumbing in the bathroom has messed up all of a sudden. So yeah, all this money that needs to be dished out. He's upset that he had the accident. I'm disappointed in his actions. He's been complianing how the appointment should've came early so he could've had enough time to do the things he needed to do before work, but he didn't. Then he had that accident. He was not thinking too clearly because he was recovering from his drunkiness. I was playing "devils advocate" while having conversations with him. He was trying to put the blame of his actions on the appointment and the way the car was parked. I shooked my head and wanted to call him out on it, but to keep the peace, I didn't say anything....

Now he's a little withdrawn because of these issues and I haven't heard from him so far today. Should I call him or let him call me? What if he tries to do the reverse psychology and says he hasn't heard from all day, what should I say?

I still have things at my place because I haven't moved everything into his. I was considering going back to my place and giving him some space to gather his thoughts around his situation. There's nothing I can do. How should I handle this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 16, 3:52 PM,
"Should I call him or let him call me?"

Let him call you. Chances are his emotions are worked up and he's itching for a fight as an excuse to release them, so leave him to himself until that passes.

"What if he tries to do the reverse psychology and says he hasn't heard from all day, what should I say?"

Don't let him manipulate you like that by attempting to "guilt" you. If he asks that question, then you answer honestly - he was drunk, he hit a car, he got upset about it, he began to pull back and withdraw, there was nothing you could do so you gave him some space.

"How should I handle this?"

Stay on the fringes of it and let HIM handle it. Whether he likes it or not, he needs to be an adult here and take responsibility for his own actions.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror!

I have been following your posts and reading your articles and I admire the help you give to many women out there.
Since I've had many 'aha' moments when reading your advice I decided to ask your opinion about a long story I had with a guy who I last heard from last year. I never understood quite what happened there so I'd really appreciate some light shed on this.
I am now 26 years old and I met this guy when I was 21(!). We met at a club, he was 2 years older than me so pretty young too and we started dating. Things happened fast and we slept with each other on the third date. He asked me if I want to have a relationship with him and I said no because I had just got out of a traumatic one and needed time just to be single. After that he left it up to me to get in touch to arrange the next date but I never did and I disappeared.
1,5 years later I got back in touch because I had just returned from living abroad for a year and I felt like he had been a good opportunity I missed. We went out and he asked me if I wanted to go to his place at the end of the date and I said 'look, I know things happened fast back then but I wanna take things more slowly now'. He said 'no offence but I figured since we'd done that already you wouldn't have a problem'. After that date I waited to hear from him but nothing so I took initiative and asked him out. To make a long story short, it turned into a booty call situation for a few weeks. After that, I had a talk with him and asked if this is all he wants and he said the same thing to me that I had said to him - that he's fresh out of a relationship. So after that I distanced myself and stopped seeing him.
For the next 2 years he would try to start the affair again but fail and then he eventually invited me out with his friends so I took that as a good sign and accepted his invitation. We were like a couple then, holding hands in front of everyone and he made sure I felt comfortable with his friends. For the next week or so he was consistent and we went out again with friends. But something didn't feel right when his friend hit on my friend and tried to have a one night stand with her. Sure enough he became inconsistent again with communication and he got in touch with me a week later (!). I was upset and he was defensive sayign I'm over-reacitng and it was because I was workign out of town that he didn't get in touch. I ended it there and then with a long message explaining that I expected something better, something more special after all that time of knowing each other and I was not going to be his bootycall again (which he aggressively denied ever happening). His reaction was aggressive/defensive denying any exploitation whatsoever and just saying I am overreacting. I stood back to see what he would do if he would persist but he didn't. He blamed everything on me in any case.

Continued....(Miss Confused)

Anonymous said...

Continued...(Miss Confused)

A year later I started bumping into him all the time at the cafes and bars I went to and we would say hi (I basically became a regular at a bar he had been going to for a while which was really fashionable at the time). However, he seemed to be very discrete not wanting to draw attention to me and almost ignoring me. In contrast to his standoffishness face to face in public, he texted me after one of these encounters and blatantly hit on me asking if I had a place of my own now that he could come to. I replied and told him he had no right to talk to me like that especially after his coldness and lack of effort in public. He got angry again saying that I am crazy for being so touchy and accusing him all the time of being a terrible person and that I am really unfair.
Another year later (after bumping into him again several times and refusing to say hello) he gets in touch again and sends me a long message on facebook (even though I'd deleted him as a friend) asking me why I am so mad at him and think of him so badly and that its unfair and I should be less harsh and that he really wants to know what made me hate him so much because he doesn't like to leave a bad impression on people. I responded calmly explaining that besides our initial encounter the rest of the years I wanted to become close with him and build something and all he wanted was sex. And he responded by saying he can't be blamed because he was clear from the start. And I said you're right its my fault - I was the naive one. I said I believed that since I had responded to his honesty with MY terms which were the opposite (wanting a relationship) then IF he returned again it would be on another page (a more serious one). And yet he did return again and again pushing but every time he would be the same.
He didn't reply to that (again I sensed he was furious). That conversation happended exactly a year ago. About 6 months ago was the last time I looked at his facebook profile and it was there and today I remembered him again and searched for him but he has now blocked me!! I find that inexplicable as I wasn't the one persuing him and coming in and out of his life - he was the one showing up all the time unexpected so I really don't see what reason he has to actually block me?
I have never had such a strange situation with a person in my life....Objectively anyone who saw us would say we were a well-matched pair and we really had AMAZING chemistry and I really was inlove with him. For a long time I dreamt of the day we would be together and get married etc with all my girly fantasies. And yet...so much tension between us and frustration and anger and I always saw myself as really wrong-done in this equation because I couldn't understand WHY he never made me his girlfriend?! I knew from some sources about his history and I'd heard he was always in long-term relationships. That damaged my confidence so badly because I would sit and wonder WHAT those girls had over me. It was so painful... and yet... he would get so angry with ME? I don't understand...

Mirror...can you solve this mystery?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Miss Confused,
Well, I think this is a classic case of the ole "why women shouldn't pursue men" situation - because they get the wrong impression when that happens. Let me explain.

"He asked me if I want to have a relationship with him. . .I said no because I had just got out of a traumatic one. . .after that he left it up to me to get in touch to arrange the next date."

At this point, sex has already taken place but the likelihood of a relationship was off the table. Regardless of the reasons for that, given that sex had taken place without the expectations of a relationship - I think at this point he thought you wanted a casual sex situation and nothing more. I think that was the message he heard there. And then without realizing it, what followed next probably verified that for him in his head, because what happened next was - you became the pursuer. . .

"I got back in touch. . .After that date I waited to hear from him but nothing so I took initiative and asked him out. . . it turned into a booty call situation"

So here's what I think happened. When you originally met, you had sex without the expectation of a relationship from him. That was signal number one to him that a casual situation was okay with you. After that, he backed off and you pursued, which I think was probably taken as signal number 2 to him that a casual situation may have been okay with you.

And the rest was history, probably based on these misinterpretations.

Regardless however, him playing the clueless route here isn't fair. You admitted you were a bit naive to him and you took responsibility for your part - he did not and instead, he tried to shift 100% of the blame on you saying he was clear from the start. But the fact is, you were clear after that with him several times, all of which he ignored, and he seemed unwilling to take responsibility for that and/or just admit that he was seeking something casual and ignored your clarifications about that with him.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA. Some great advice here. Here's mine, please:
I see a man I haven't seen in years at a function. He invites me out. Harmless, friendly. Some sparks there. Few weeks go by until we know we will see each other at an event again. In those few weeks, we text couple of times a day....just light, fluff stuff. We see each other at the event and hang out all night for hours. Sparks there. Total gentleman and very protective...we talked about life and things we've gone through. Deep conversations. Walked me to my room at the end of the night, went inside my room. But nothing happened. Next day, we had niceties via text thanking each other for a fun night. So now it's been few days of no contact. Do I wait for him to contact me first or if I don't contact him, will he think I'm not interested? Or is he not interested otherwise he would have made contact right away?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 25, 2:28 PM,
"Do I wait for him to contact me first or if I don't contact him, will he think I'm not interested?"

Well, the article is pretty self-explanatory dear. There are only a few times when a woman should be contacting a man and as a woman, it's not your job to pursue him or chase him down to let him know you're interested. As a man, it's his job to lead, it's yours to submit (should you decide to, you have a choice here). When you agree to dates with a man, it's obvious you're interested. When you answer his calls, it's obvious you're interested. When you respond to his texts, it's obvious you're interested.

Nothing more than responding to HIS communication initiations is needed to signal your interest.

"is he not interested otherwise he would have made contact right away?"

The fact that he hasn't contacted you right away honestly means nothing dear. Because what you have to understand is that men do NOT rush into relationships and daily communication is "relationship" type communication. When dating casually, it will be sporadic communication that's not regular or consistent or committed. You can't expect regular, consistent, daily communication until the man has asked you to enter into a committed relationship and you've agreed to do that.

So just because he hasn't contacted you right away or for a few days doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested - it just means he's taking his time and not rushing into a relationship or giving any false impressions.

When dating casually and not in a committed relationship with the man, you can expect communication about once a week or once every two weeks on average (that's about how often, on average, you can expect to see each other as well). That's very normal during the "get to know you stage" and it's also a nice healthy pace as well :-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,
I am in a very strange situation. I don’t know if I can explain it clearly.
In September I moved abroad.
Shortly after my move, an old acquaintance (the brother of an old friend and a family friend) added me on Facebook. He started inboxing me saying hello, commenting on stuff I posted (through inbox) and generally being communicative and complimenting me strongly on a regular basis.
This continued and in December when I visited my home country he asked me out but I avoided him politely. Despite the rejection he continued to keep in touch. Around February, my interest in him grew because I had become single (he didn’t know anything about my love life) and I was available.
I responded to his messages with more detailed replies and once I even initiated with a hello. Our communication continued and he started asking me if next time I visit home he will get to see me. I reassured him he would. He also indirectly hinted if we could progress our communication from messaging to actually talking on the phone occasionally. I pretended not to get it and discretely avoided this suggestion as I preferred to go by the traditional way and meet him face to face first as the last physical contact I’d had with him was many many years ago when we were children. Again he asked if I will go out with him at least one time on my next visit and again I reassured him.
Now (1 month later) I am home visiting! It’s been 7 months of steady communication on a weekly basis with this man and his consistent persistence and attentiveness and I did finally go out with him the day before yesterday! He took me out for lunch and was a perfect gentleman, very polite and making sure everything was perfect for me. I had a great time and I realised that I am very attracted to him! I also noticed that he was so nervous in the beginning and worried about whether I was happy with his choice of place etc and he looked like he couldn’t take his eyes off me… All very good signs I believe  He also shared his summer plans with me so I would know when he’ll be in town and asked me about my plans and offered to help me find a job there so I could stay.

(Miranda) Continued....

Anonymous said...

After we finished, he said it was great and I agreed and he said I hope to see you again soon and I said me too. He did mention that he’s going away on the weekend and not coming back till after I’ve left, so I didn’t understand if ‘soon’ meant before he leaves now or after (meaning on my next visit or something).
When I got home I got an AMAZING message where he basically described all his feelings when he saw me and when we talked saying that he loves my personality and looks and other very romantic things….I replied saying thank you and telling him how he flatters me and then telling him that I also really enjoyed meeting him finally and had fun.
There is a big BUT in all this though sadly…  One day before going out with him I decided to have a quick look at his Facebook profile as I hadn’t bothered before. What I found was that there were photos from the summer (before he started communicating with me) where he was with a girlfriend. The problem is that just a week or so ago some photos were posted from an event and she was among the people at the event and in one of the photos they were together and she had her arm on his stomach and he had his arm around her shoulder. So the old girlfriend from the summer was suddenly in a photo taken just 2 weeks ago… Even worse, as we were sitting chatting at lunch his phone rang and her photo came up. He pressed the red button and then he got a message but didn’t even open it to see.
I was so surprised at discovering those photos and I couldn’t believe that he would still be in a relationship or perhaps have got back with his ex because he has been so serious with his interest in me and so persistent.
On the other hand, I couldn’t ask him what’s going on because at the lunch he was completely serious, respectful and made no move and didn’t ask me whether I had a relationship or anything. You could say that we were two old friends meeting. It was his message that followed that was romantic.
So after this looong communication and the great date and the amazing message…it is the second day after our date and just 2 days before he leaves and I have heard nothing new… My gutt tells me I probably won’t see him again before he leaves…. And that he will get in touch next week by which time I will be abroad again.
Mirror this is all so strange… What is going on? My friends tell me they think he IS serious about me and him but he may have got back together with his ex the last few weeks and now is in a dilemma. That he is respectful which is why he made no move at lunch because he knows he can’t offer something right now. I am sooo confused…. Before visiting home I expected him to want to see me day after day. After all, the last week before I came he texted me more than once – are you here yet? How long are you staying? Etc etc… Also, my gutt tells me that he sees me seriously because he is at an age where in our culture his parents are pressuring him to settle down. He has liked me since we were children and I think he always wanted to see if something between us could work and it almost feels like he is trying to make that happen. Because after all…if he wanted to play around why go for a girl that lives abroad, that he’s known of for years, that’s a family friend and why make such a persistent effort with months and months of messaging. And at the date he was genuinely interested in getting to know me.
What do you think is going on? How can he seem so into me and really I do feel he really really likes me and has done so for a long time but then be in a complicated situation and not try and see me before he leaves (from Tuesday to Friday)? What purpose would it serve to go out with me once? Do you believe he wanted to see me so our communication could continue while I’m abroad and progress but slowly? And what’s all this with the other girl??


Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the response above!! Puts things in perspective for me. I still haven't heard from him and this is the 2nd week. However, I see your point above. With me answering his calls and texts and hanging out with him, those are signs I'm interested, so I shouldn't worry about whether or not he thinks I'm interested. You've said it many times before: if a man is really interested, he will pursue a woman no matter what.

My other situation is with a man where we've gone out a few times. He used to text me late at night every night for about 2 weeks. One day, the texts at night stopped abruptly. When I asked him what happened, he said he doesn't text much anyway." After that, his texts have been less even during the day but still texts. Two weeks ago, he disappeared completely. Not seen him or heard from him. All of a sudden, he reappears and texts me out of the blue asking to hang out. No explanation on text or anything like nothing ever happened. Not sure how to take it.

Anonymous said...

April 1st anonymous, I had this happen to me as well... he's trying to see if you will chase him.. it was a setup. You can read all about how many guys these days play text game in "how to get her to chase you" techniques popular in online seduction communities... pretty popular technique many guys play. Don't fall for it.. I don't know how MOA is going to respond but mirroring text game is helpful or flat out moving on is best. 2 weeks of not texting and then expecting you to just want to hang out is pretty disrespectful.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"What do you think is going on? How can he seem so into me and really I do feel he really really likes me and has done so for a long time but then be in a complicated situation and not try and see me before he leaves (from Tuesday to Friday)? What purpose would it serve to go out with me once? Do you believe he wanted to see me so our communication could continue while I’m abroad and progress but slowly? And what’s all this with the other girl??"

I agree with your friends in that, the ex girlfriend appears to have re-entered his life. And whether she has or not, there's really nothing you can do. You can't make someone love your or want to be in a relationship with you. You can't control others, only your reaction to them.

I'd suggest not contacting him and waiting to see if he contacts you again. And if he does, I'd simply observe his behavior with the knowledge that he may actually be speaking to the ex girlfriend again, so keep things in perspective there. They may or may not be dating, but either way, keep in mind she's obviously in the picture again, so don't let yourself get emotionally attached here. Remain at a distance emotionally and simply observe his actions over the course of the next few weeks and see what, if anything, comes of it. And in the meantime, you keep dating, speaking to, and getting to know other men - don't put all your energy, time and attention into this man. That's really all you can do.

Anonymous said...

Hi Anonymous. It's April 1st Anonymous here. Thanks for your reply!! Funny enough, I wondered if he were playing games with me because he wanted to see my reaction or if i would reach out. I actually called him out on it when I talked to him in person and he said he was waiting for me to contact him and asked why I didn't. He then asked why it took me 2 hours to reply when he initially texted and I told him it takes him that long to reply to me at times, so why wouldn't it be okay for me to do if it's okay for him to do?

He then asked me to hang out a couple of days after he reached out. I never replied yes or no. When the day arrived, he texted telling me he couldn't make it and if we can shoot for another week. I thought I was losing my mind? When I called him out on this, he said his flight was delayed. When I called him out on this, his reason was that he was going through some things with the ending of his "relationship." I don't want to say too much for fear of exposing either of us. He opened up more than in the past about some things, but I don't really know what to make of all this at this point.

Anonymous said...



Thank you for your advice. I have more news since then. So he did get in touch to see me before he left on the weekend and he suggested that I join him and his friends to go out. That sounded good to me as I would meet his friends and obviously he wasn't trying to fast track the dating by going out at night one to one and then trying to sleep with me.

However, on the day that we were supposed to go out with his friends he told me he had fallen ill since yesterday and cancelled as he also had the business trip the following day. I said ok I hope you feel better etc and he replied suggesting that if he feels better later on he could call me and come and find me and my friends wherever we would be out. I told him only if its not too late and providing I have managed to make new plans. He didn't get in touch so he must have continued to feel ill as he had said he'd only get in touch in the case that he'd feel well enough to come.

Over the weekend I didn't hear anything which was fine by me as our communication all these months had been on a weekly basis so I didn't expect to be hearing from him every day already. I decided to have another snoop on his facebook profile because I wanted to have a clear picture of when this other woman was in his life. That's when among his thousands of hobby photos I came across many photos of her (joining in the hobbies, travelling etc) with him and the photos dated up until a few weeks ago from photos I saw he had been tagged in!!! I was really disappointed and I realised this girl is obviously his girlfriend and the photos had been there ALL along for me to see but I hadn't looked carefully enough.


Anonymous said...


So when he got in touch on Monday (yesterday) to say hello etc... I finally confronted him. I asked him about the photos and he didn't deny that she is his girlfriend. He started trying to explain to me that he never hid anything and that he never felt he was doing anything wrong as we only went out for lunch and texted occasionally and he had no intention of taking it further FIRST and foremost because I live abroad. Then he started apologising and texting me ALL day asking me if he had offended me etc. I told him that yes he had because he obviously thought that I was okay with dating a taken man. He then said that he's very sorry I see it this way but all he wanted and CONTINUES to want is to get to know me as a person on a friendly level IN THE SHORT TERM. And that after all he said, he may be taken now but maybe not later. And that since I am abroad now he never considered the possibility of starting a relationship with me now because he would want to have me close and see me all the time. I then replied and told him that he disappointed me because I had started liking him as more than a friend but that I know there are 2 basic obstacles - his relationship and my distance and that I am okay with staying in touch and getting to know each other but on a friendly level. He continued texting me saying how grateful he is that I will keep talking to him etc... and then he sent me another text at night apologising again and saying that I deserve the best and something exclusive and that he wishes he had met me earlier and that he now likes me and wants me soooo much and that you never know maybe one day....I didn't reply naturally.

I can't believe what has happened to be honest. After so many months of him texting me so much (over 300 messages) and sharing details with me about his daily life, asking me about mine, counting the days that I would be back home and flooding me with compliments...I found out this. Mirror, why would he bother doing all this, chasing a girl that is abroad and who is no stranger to his family, pursuing after being turned down at Christmas and NOW wanting so much to continue communication on a friendly level to get to know me better as a friend in the short run. What is the short run? And why would a guy be interested in getting to know me on a friendly level KNOWING that he won't get sex because he KNOWS how serious I am and how much I stand by my word? What does he get out of this and what is he insinuating?

From my part, I'm giving myself a day or two and then he'll be in the back of my mind and I will have 'digested' the new reality of it all. I will date new men and whenever he texts it won't mean much to me as long as he is in a relationship. It's just so weird to me...and it all sounds quite immature for our age....I'm in my late 20s and he's in his early 30s. We're not teenagers anymore....

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Mirror, why would he bother doing all this, chasing a girl that is abroad and who is no stranger to his family, pursuing after being turned down at Christmas and NOW wanting so much to continue communication on a friendly level to get to know me better as a friend in the short run. What is the short run?"

He basically admitted he's planning on keeping you around as a sexual option or "Plan B" of sorts - "he said, he may be taken now but maybe not later."

"And why would a guy be interested in getting to know me on a friendly level KNOWING that he won't get sex because he KNOWS how serious I am and how much I stand by my word?"

So that some day - you WILL have sex with him and when that time comes, he'll have already gotten to know you, which he thinks would make it happen quicker.

"What does he get out of this and what is he insinuating?"

What he gets out of this is the reassurance that a "Plan B" is waiting in the wings should things take a turn for the worse in his relationship. So that, if that happens, he won't spend any time alone and he would easily be able to transition from one woman to another literally overnight. It signals that he's very insecure dear -- and that he fears being alone.

"whenever he texts it won't mean much to me as long as he is in a relationship"

HE wouldn't mean much to me at all at this point. Think about it. . .if he's doing this to her, creating a "Plan B" backup plan while he's with her - what do you think he'd do to YOU if you were to become his girlfriend? Think you could every really trust this guy now, knowing what you know? How would you ever really know that there wasn't a third person in your relationship the entire time?

You wouldn't. And based on his actions, he's not to be trusted. He's not giving 100% to the relationship he's in now, and if he were in a relationship with you, chances are he'd do the same exact thing. . .because he's insecure. And when folks are insecure, their behavior becomes very "odd" and they begin to manipulate and disappoint those around them regularly:


"it all sounds quite immature for our age"

Again, it's because he's insecure, and that insecurity is keeping him emotionally immature. If it were me, I would not desire a friendship with a man like this, nor would I ever consider dating him ever again knowing that the entire time he's with someone he probably claims to love (his current girlfriend), the entire time he's working a "Plan B" backup situation in the background.

NOT a good guy dear.

Anonymous said...

Thanks MOA.

On the day I confronted him that I mentioned, he texted me again at night to say goodnight and sorry again for today. And then he sent this message where he was saying I deserve the best and something exclusive and that he wishes he'd met me earlier. He also said that he now officially likes me and wants me veryyyy much and then at the end he wrote 'who knows... Maybe one day....'.

What was the meaning of that MOA??

I completely ignored that message having nothing to reply and also feeling really irritated. I got a negative feeling from it like he was feeling sorry for me and comforting me or he was saying goodbye... I don't know. I haven't heard anything from him since then and it's been 3 days. What do you think of that message?

I agree he isn't a nice guy and I will let it go. Just still trying to process and understand.

What would you expect from him now and how would you deal with it?

Thanks again.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"He also said that he now officially likes me and wants me veryyyy much and then at the end he wrote 'who knows... Maybe one day....'. What was the meaning of that MOA??"

Well, as I believe I had stated previously - it means that he's keeping you around as a sexual option. An option, should he become available one day.

"What do you think of that message?"

It amounts to nothing but stringing you along unfortunately :-( Don't fall for it. It's nothing but a bunch of "maybe" or "we'll see" or "someday who knows" - which amounts to nothing -- nothing but stringing someone along on a bunch of false, empty promises by telling them what you think they want to hear so they'll stick around as an "option" for you, whether you mean it or not unfortunately :-(

"What would you expect from him now and how would you deal with it?"

I would expect him to increase his attempts and false flowery talk in an effort to continue to try to keep you as an option and control the situation, by resurfacing someday in a month or two (or three).

And I would deal with it by never responding and moving on - because he'll most likely never follow through on any of it, and also because -- who would even want to date this man or be his girlfriend, knowing that he's so insecure that while he's got one, he's already stringing along and lining up "plan B's" the entire time.

And yes, men like this generally have MORE than ONE Plan B they're stringing along at a time dear :-(

Anonymous said...

I see what you're saying and it makes sense.

There is one more thing in this picture that I haven't mentioned. This guy is good looking and a millionaire and has practically tons of women over in my home country waiting to get the chance to be with him.... That's another reason I couldn't understand why he knocked on my door since I am in another country and I am not a sex option because he knows I'm not one of those girls. Yet he has so many of those options available to him and on his doorstep too!

When he approached me in July on facebook it took months until he managed to engage me in conversation with him, precisely because I thought - potential playboy here=waste of time. Eventually I started paying him some attention and getting to know him because of his persistence and interest but I never initiated contact and I never thought about him at random moments. It wasn't until our lunch date (last week) that he became a potential boyfriend to me so I started thinking about him. I think he sensed all this and he knew he hadn't caught my attention truly until that lunch (when I saw him face to face and felt chemistry between us).

So yes, he is being untrue to his girlfriend and he is trying to string me along....I just never understood why he decided to chase me when he has everything easy for him.


Anonymous said...

Hi - it's Anonymous from April 1st.

Here's an update to the two men/situations I mentioned. I never heard from the guy I hung out with at a seminar. It's been almost 4 weeks. I haven't reached out either because like MOA mentioned, he would know I'm interested based on the fact that I reply to his texts, I accept his invitation to dinner and drinks, etc.

As for the other situation, I actually called out this guy last week and said to him "so, what are we? We are either "you know what buddies" or "FWB." It's one or the other. He says to me "no, we're neither. we are more than that. there are feelings...." and then he stopped and said "I don't want to categorize us." And then he didn't want to talk about it any longer. Of course, the same goes on...I don't hear from him over the weekend. I am seeing a pattern of him only texting me when he wants to plan to "get together." More often, it's him texting me day of to hook up after he's been drinking.

I'm confused because why doesn't he just tell me we are a FWB? Months ago when this started, he told me he doesn't do well with emotions because it complicates things. So then tell me we FWBs and that's that. Instead, he tells me we aren't and he seems sincere. But on a day to day basis, outside of hooking up, he acts like it's a FWB situation. I haven't even initiated texts in about a month.

Anonymous said...

Here's one for you. A man's profile on Plentyoffish states; paraphrased" " I may like your profile but never get to see it. So if you see my profile and like it, please feel free to CONTACT ME, drop me a line. Besides, I think it's very confident of a woman to initiate contact". WTF is up with this one?

Anonymous said...

PS I contacted the POF guy before reading his profile and seeing that. He looks a lot like my Dad did when he was younger (he's now deceased) and I told this guy that, At first he was offended but then realized I was complimenting him. We began to talk and text off the site quickly when I said I'd drop the chat if he didn't pony up a number. I refused to give mine to him on that site. The situation is in the toilet at the moment due to my paranoia, insecurity, and playing private investigator (and sending him a pic of a man on Facebook with a woman that I thought was him but it turned out not be be. He was highly offended by my lack of trust and we are not speaking). I am not contacting him at all. He lives 2 hours away but claimed to be moving to my town. Long story. Was just interested in how you view what he wrote in his profile about wanting to be contacted. He's foreign, btw, not that this matters.

Anonymous said...

Aries Kate here: I have read every single post here and I must tell you that I feel as though I just left a three hour relationship therapy session. Mirror, you are an incredible writer and truly have this spot on with men. I have 6 brothers and have had some very lengthy lasting relationships but it took me until NOW to really get this down pat. I have a guy I am interested in and have spent time with and he initiated contact with a phone call and then some playful texts. As soon as we had a nice dinner with friends and spent over 15 hours straight together, I felt comfortable with him and on his birthday texted him a nice birthday message. He responded right away with a thank you and told me his plans for his birthday. Two days later I texted him to say hello. HUGE MISTAKE!!! He pulled away, even though he responded, but that was it...POOF, gone!!!
I then read this article and all the responses and a big light bulb went off in my head. I had to go MIA on his arse and show him I am a woman who will not chase. We are friends on facebook so instead of allowing him to see what I am up to each day I hid him from seeing my future posts and have not contacted him at all. He is now resurfacing by looking on my profile and liking photos, etc. I know social media is not a proper way to contact someone, so I am blowing it off but I see what is going on here and I know this Aries arrogant man is about to stick his horns in my direction again soon. THANK YOU so much MOA, you are a gem and are saving many strong women from messing up something that could be very positive in a relationship by being assertive and taking a man's masculinity away. I never ever thought about it that way, but now I do and totally get it. You rock!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 19, 3:32 AM,
"A man's profile on Plentyoffish states; paraphrased" " I may like your profile but never get to see it. So if you see my profile and like it, please feel free to CONTACT ME, drop me a line. Besides, I think it's very confident of a woman to initiate contact". WTF is up with this one?"

It's similar to a lot of the BS you see on those sites and it usually goes something like this. "Man signals that the woman should give chase. Woman responds in kind and initiates the chase. Man gets freaked out by the unnatural pursuit of the woman and once he gets her hot on his tail - he disappears and ceases responding and then labels the woman "crazy" . . . all because she did what HE ASKED her to do."

Don't fall for that crap. Many of these guys don't even realize they react to their own suggestions the way they do. They say "Oh yea, it's cool if a woman initiates and pursues." But then when they encounter a woman who actually DOES that, they get all freaked out and take off running, and then blame the woman for it. They don't even realize that it's THEIR suggestion that catapulted the entire scenario. They don't even realize that what they truly enjoy and need - is to be a man, and do what men do, which is take the lead.

Regardless of whether or not a man makes you feel it's okay to pursue him, nine times out of ten the end result is that it's the pursuit of the woman that actually drives the man away. So when they claim they're okay with that - don't be too quick to buy what they're selling you there.

Mother Nature designed men to be masculine leaders and women to be feminine submissive - and when you reverse those roles, things start to feel very unnatural.

Anonymous said...

@ MOA,
This is April 1st/April 13 Anonymous. Sounds like men are a big bunch of BSers. This guy asked me to do a last minute "get together" last Thursday and I actually told him no and my exact response was "too last minute. can't swing it." After that, I haven't heard from him. Until a few minutes ago, I get a text asking "what are you up to" as he's on his way to a business trip for a few days. I DON'T GET IT!! It's infuriating.

Anonymous said...

Had to write this all over, a glitch occurred during preview. I accidentally sent that man an old, empty text message that was in my 'drafts' folder as I was cleaning it out today. It was right after I sent you the letter about my amateur sleuthing and the Facebook fiasco. I was cleaning out the drafts folder and saw two old, empty texts I aborted to him that were apparently saved in drafts. He was blowing up my phone because he was upset about something I had texted him and wouldn't give me a chance to formulate an answer. So I aborted writing the etxts to read his messages but they were saved in drafts,empty. Well, I really, truly, ACCIDENTALLY sent one to him today instead of deleting it. Now he likely thinks I'm initiating contact (even though the texts say nothing). I was surely NOT going to contact him ever again, even though a month has passed. I figured if he was meant to cycle back, he would. Now this, what the hell is wrong with me? I really screwed up yet again.
Last night I talked to a guy friend and he said this man has forgiveness issues and should realize a woman he met online who knows nothing about him has the right, the duty even, to check up and see who he is. Especially since he was the one who aggressively began to plan to drive to my town to spend the day having breakfast then the park. I told him upfront we weren't coming back to my place.
Now I guess it's all moot. Instead of deleting the empty, old aborted text, I sent it. What a mess. I feel like the utmost idiot now because I'm sure he thinks it's an attempt to elicit a response from him. Whatever, he didn't respond and it's three hours later and it was an accident. If you have time to comment on my letters, please do. My only gal pal is married and keeps telling me to call him but I had no plans to ever do it. Now this. I feel a failure all the way around. This guy knows I had a bad experience on that dating site before because we discussed it briefly, so I don't get the fact that he couldn't or wouldn't understand why I checked him on Facebook. He should have laughed it off, IMHO, even though I said I didn't believe him. Maybe he's been hurt too and very sensitive and/or stubborn. I give up. Thank you for any insight. Hope you will reply.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 20, 8:07 PM,
"Maybe he's been hurt too and very sensitive and/or stubborn. I give up. Thank you for any insight."

I'd suggest placing this in your past, and ceasing any further communication with him. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. The more you try to fix this, the more of a chance of creating additional problems exists.

If he doesn't understand, then he doesn't understand and nothing you do or say is going to change that. You have to accept what's happened here, leave things be before any more damage is done, and do you best to show self-discipline and restraint and see if he comes around again after things calm down. If that doesn't happen, then you simply need to accept that it wasn't meant to be, and that nothing you do or say can control that.

Because you can't control others - you can only control your reaction to them.

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA, Galatea here. The empty text was sent accidentally while I was cleaning out the drafts folder. Not on purpose. I have made zero contact for 30 days except for this stupid accident and have shown discipline and restraint. I am not actively trying to do any damage and/or control anything. Am not trying to 'fix' anything. Thirty days ago when the Facebook misunderstanding took place, I left a couple of messages apologizing for calling him a liar. The photo with the woman was NOT him, I jumped the gun. Again, I have initiated NO CONTACT since then except for inadvertently sending an empty text that was in my drafts folder. I pressed send instead of delete. Maybe my communication skills are poor here and I'm not clear about this text I sent. I was horrified that I sent it. Just wanted to know if any hope exists. If he really liked me as much as it seemed, I can't believe he will not make contact.I blew this and it's my fault. Everything was fine and I upset the apple cart. I know when I'm wrong and in this case, I was wrong to accuse a man instead of asking him, is this you on FB? And then not accepting his answer because I found out shortly thereafter I had falsely accused him. I don't blame him for backing away. I just pray he returns, so that we can at least talk. He's supposed to be moving here, in fact, should be in this town very shortly. Maybe then he'll contact me. I am still attractive and in good shape; he was very interested in continuing to talk and see me. Then I did what I did, checked up on him. I should have waited until after I met him to see if I even liked him in person before checking him out. I just feel very bad. Sorry to have annoyed you with this. You're a very lovely person to deal with all of these women, it must seem like the same thing over and over.
Did you ever see my letter about all the extra checking up I did, all the wrong stuff, like calling people in Louisiana? I'm not psycho, just very skittish and have lost trust and a good measure of my former faith.

In the recent past, I saw (and finally STOPPED seeing) a man from POF for almost 3 1/2 years who basically used me. I thought he was likely married the whole time so kept dates to a minimum and the dates were always bad. He denied being married but would never tell me where he lived or worked. Stupid me.I never had this happen before and until I read your information, I was unable to process what had taken place. He was a disappearing/reappearing user who kept his true identity a secret.

So I've been burned and took it out on this new man who probably didn't deserve it. Maybe this new guy is married, as I got conflicting info from Louisiana that I know I sent you. Maybe it's so piecemeal that you haven't been able to make any sense of it. Is here any........Hope?

Anonymous said...

These are your quotes back to me after my attempts to really explain what is going on, which include none of the things listed below:
'The more you try to fix this, the more of a chance of creating additional problems exists'
'ceasing any further communication with him'
'leave things be before any more damage is done' HUH? Where are you getting this stuff from what I wrote you?
I am not trying to fix anything, communicate with him, or not leave things be. I ceased all communication with him as of March 25, 2015. The only misadventure was, three days ago, ACCIDENTALLY sending, instead of deleting, an EMPTY text that was stored in my drafts folder from last month!
In my case I know I jumped the gun by checking to see if he was on Facebook and finding a wrong picture, then launching an accusation. He was OK with it until I refused to believe it wasn't him, and I got ugly about it. Ad infinitum I will say it wasn't him in the photo and he wasn't lying!
You can diss me at this point if you choose. Up until now I was impressed with you until I got your reply. It sounds canned and like you didn't even read what I wrote. I told you I had written several letters to you re: the situation, and to please piece it together, but apparently you didn't. I'm OK with that; you owe me nothing. I am just pointing out your above quotes. I have no idea where you got these ideas from, as not only did I NOT express them in my communiques to you, but I have not been guilty of any of them.I have firmly been NO CONTACT with him for a lunar month now, save for that stupid sending of an old, empty text BY ACCIDENT a few days back.
Also I'd venture a guess that many men who you wrote off as 'hopeless' to women who have written to you, have actually ended up in that woman's life as a good guy, after all the crap was wrangled out.
Not many have written back with follow-up stories because IMHO the relationship eventually worked out, they forgot about you, and the one-size-fits all stuff didn't apply. Women sometimes have to contact men. I agree that they shouldn't be ardent aggressors, and in the first stages should take a back seat. But the men of today basically SUCK and it's getting worse, so the paradigms have shifted. I don't think anyone knows what to do anymore.
This no contact advice is rampant on the internet, as I'm beginning to find out by searching it. I've never heard of it before and have no idea how I found your page. But I found one initially before I landed here, that I think sums it up without the necessity of endless blogs and long-winded, repetitive comments:
Guess I'm disappointed by your answer and how you basically, in those quotes, totally misunderstood all I wrote and that I was strictly observing the no contact rule. I think you may need to take a break/and or take a closer look at what people are writing.Just can't understand your odd answers that cast me in the wrong light completely as someone who is trying to force-communicate, fix things, and do more damage.
There are guys writing blogs like this for women who disagree with you in some critical areas. They feel it's OK after a no contact period of at least 30 days for the woman to text the guy or whatever.
Actually, WHATEVER sums up this whole topic succinctly.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 22, 5:42 AM,
"Where are you getting this stuff from what I wrote you?"

What you've been doing here has is going around on several posts and posting the same exact story, then writing me hours later asking why I haven't replied yet, then writing me hours later again after that and telling me to piece meal your story together from a comment on one article with a comment you've left on another article - and then directing me where to answer all these piece meal comments. . .and I also believe you're the one who called this an "effing scam site" in a comment I never published as well.

Something can't be a scam when it's FREE dear.

If you've behaved with this man the way you've behaved with me here, then unfortunately, I have to say that I can understand why he's pulled away.from you. I can't even figure out what your real question is in all the communications you've been sending me over the last several days because the communications and behavior has been erratic.

"Not many have written back with follow-up stories because IMHO the relationship eventually worked out, they forgot about you, and the one-size-fits all stuff didn't apply."

LOL, you obviously haven't been here long enough to realize that there are many women here who repeatedly come back and share updates.

"I think sums it up without the necessity of endless blogs and long-winded, repetitive comments"

MY communications are endless and long-winded? That's funny, because one could actually sayl the same exact thing about the series of repetitive comments you've been posting on several articles here for the past 3 -4 days. Calling this an "effiing scam site" and then having the gall to return afterwards, blow up the site by leaving the same comments on several different articles, coming back hours later and writing me again demanding to know where your answer is, and then returning yet again with even more instructions about piecing your bits of communication together.

"I think you may need to take a break"

Again, once could actually say the same about YOU.

"cast me in the wrong light completely as someone who is trying to force-communicate, fix things, and do more damage."

You've done more damage here already than anyone who's ever visited this site and asked for my FREE ASSISTANCE.

"There are guys writing blogs like this for women who disagree with you in some critical areas."

That's awesome - you can go blow up their article comments and make demands of them then, and refer to their sites as an "effing scam site."

"Actually, WHATEVER sums up this whole topic succinctly."

I couldn't agree more. And now I have to ask that you please cease leaving comments on this site and requesting my assistance and making demands of me in comment after comment - and then turning around and insulting me for it after you get a response that you didn't like or want to hear.

I'd suggest you go contact these male bloggers you're referring to and see what they think of your behavior - good luck to you there.

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous Apr 22, 5:42 AM.

This is Anonymous (with clever and crafty "ex" who has posted on Mirror's No Contact and Insecure Men articles.

The tone and content of your post is unwarranted and totally unacceptable. I have never met Mirror or any of the other ladies on this fine site, but over the past 8 months or so, I have come here to read and learn and have found great comfort and solace. Mirror's articles and her carefully considered replies contain great wisdom - and sense, if you take the time to read, absorb and reflect. Mirror herself has taken the time - her time - free of charge - to answer the questions posted. Speaking for myself, she has helped me to navigate my own situation with some success. If it were not for the articles here, I would have been ploughed over by my very clever and cunning "ex". Even if it doesn't work out with the guy (and there's always a small part of me that hopes that it will), I have learnt a lot and grown, and am still learning.

If you don't like what you see here, then you are free to take your tone and attitude elsewhere. You are also free to follow the advice of others, or none at all, and see how that works out for you. I wish you all the best.

Gem50 said...

@ Anonymous 4/22 5:42a

You owe Ms. Mirror an apology.

To help you in this life, I would like to suggest that you print all of your posts here, as well as Ms. Mirror's responses, and bring to a therapist to help you understand how your behavior is impacting your life.

It could be a game changer for you.

Anonymous said...

It`s been weeks since I`ve discovered this website and I keep reading :-)
I have one question: what if a guy is too insecure to contact you although you do give him the green light?
I know this guy who attracts me, to whom I gave green light, still he`s too insecure. Also, he gives me the impression of being a people pleaser (says only things that don`t upset the others, perfect physical appearance) and of wanting a relationship, with just any woman that would accept going out with him. He`s very handsome, he`s smart, yet he has no succes with women because he`s too ...non-existent.
Thank you very much!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 23, 11:05 AM
"what if a guy is too insecure to contact you although you do give him the green light?"

Well, insecurity can be a real big issue - meaning, it can actually hamper people from ever having a healthy, happy relationship. So as you can probably tell, I'm not a big advocate of taking them on as a "project" of sorts for the man reasons I've written about here:


Dating an insecure man not only forces you, the woman, to do just about all of the work, but it also places you as a woman at a disadvantage of sorts because you'll be forced to step into the lead role, which is the unnatural role for women, and as a result, over time - you end up questioning him, yourself, and the relationship. You start wondering why he won't lift a finger for you until you prod him to, you'll start wondering why his behavior is always so "off," and long story short, in the end you may end up losing respect for him as a man. So I'd suggest reading that article there first and giving it some thought before considering taking any action with him.

Anonymous said...

in the early "getting to know you stage" even though it is normal and okay for a guy to initiate once a week or once every 2 weeks, should i mirror him? i usually respond after an hour to the first text and 20 min to every other text. But lets say he doesnt initiate for 5 days or a week, should i take 5 days to respond? or just a few hours and play it cool?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 24, 3:18 PM,
"in the early "getting to know you stage" even though it is normal and okay for a guy to initiate once a week or once every 2 weeks, should i mirror him? i usually respond after an hour to the first text and 20 min to every other text."

If you want to encourage him to continue contacting you, keep doing what you're doing and taking your time and spacing out the responses, etc. Just try to avoid getting into any rapid fire texting sessions, and continue to play it slow as you've been doing as long as he's being respectful.

However, if he starts disappearing on you, dropping off mid conversation without warning and then resurfacing days later, that's a bit different because it's kinda' ignorant and indicates he may be starting to take you for granted - meaning, taking it for granted that he doesn't have to continue being courteous and respectful. If you sense that's beginning to happen, and he disappears mid conversation and resurfaces 5 days later as if nothing has happened. . .then that's when I suggest you start mirroring that behavior, to signal to him that you're onto him, and if he's going to treat you in that manner, then he can expect to receive the same treatment back from you.

Anonymous said...

Okay thank you! A few days ago he texted me saying "hey boo" after not texting me for 5 days (no big deal). and we texted for a little bit..then he asked me a question, i answered and then asked him the same, he then intentionally didn't respond until the next day(20 hours later), and then asked how was i? ( i know this because he was still on social media talking to people) when he responded the next day i didn't bring it up, i then responded 3 hours later saying i was busy but was meaning to get back to him something kept popping up. he responded with 2 texts in 5 minutes, but they didn't have a question in them, it was just a statement so i didn't respond. So basically what im asking - is it okay to sometimes not respond if the text didnt include a question or was urgent, just a simple statement?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 25,11:22 AM
"is it okay to sometimes not respond if the text didnt include a question or was urgent, just a simple statement?"

Yep - if the text doesn't deem a response, then it's not necessary to attempt to strike up a conversation from it.

Tiff720 said...

Hi MOA... wanted to let you know with your help with many of my emails, I am excited to say that I recently got married. Thank you so very much helping me through some of my situations i've blogged to you about. It really help and turned things around. I got the ring and now I'm married. We actually got eloped. I wasn't a fan of having a wedding. We're going all out on a reception though. Here's my issue, I understand and am confident in my decision of eloping and not having a wedding but now people are asking me "what you didn't want a wedding", giving me funny looks that I did not want a wedding, telling me that I'm too beautiful to not have had a wedding. My now husband and I wanted this way because we want to have a destination ceremony next year. We have received a couple of congratulation cards with monetary offerings and will be sending out Thank you for the cards. Now I'm want to have my reception this year instead of next year. I think all of the money offerings that we will receive will help pay off the reception and add to our destination ceremony. My question to you, what is the best way to get my husband on board to having a reception this year instead of next year? He main concern is his out of town family being able to make it to the receptoin. I mentioned to him that we'll have it in the mid-September. That way it'll give people enough time to get their financials together to come to our state and Eat, Drink and celebrate being Merry... What do you think? I'm lost for words..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"wanted to let you know with your help with many of my emails, I am excited to say that I recently got married"

Well GOOD FOR YOU DEAR! That's great to hear :-)

"I understand and am confident in my decision of eloping and not having a wedding but now people are asking me "what you didn't want a wedding", giving me funny looks that I did not want a wedding, telling me that I'm too beautiful to not have had a wedding. My now husband and I wanted this way because we want to have a destination ceremony next year. . .what is the best way to get my husband on board to having a reception this year instead of next year?"

Well - I think that if you two decided to do it next year instead of this year, then you don't have to change your plans simply because people are questioning your decision. People will always question the decisions of others, and changing your decisions just to please others really won't change that. Because you will NEVER please EVERYONE all the time, ya' know?

So if you're doing this simply because some folks are questioning things - don't do it. Stick to your original plan and make yourselves happy instead of worrying how to accommodate others in order to try to please them.

And if they question again - tell them that your plans are for a destination wedding next year - and say nothing more. You don't have to explain yourself to them, and you don't need to justify your decisions with them either.

If you changed your plans on your own without the questions by others influencing that, then this is something you'll have to have an open discussion with your husband about. Meaning, you may not be able to get him on board, and you might have to accept that - because it wasn't the original plan anyway, ya' know? So if he's not thrilled with the idea - drop it. It's not worth causing tension or risking the happiness of your marriage over simply to attempt to please others (who will probably not end up being pleased anyway LOL).

However, if your heart is truly set on doing this this year, instead of next year - instead of making suggestions to him, ask for his input instead. Meaning, don't give him a suggested month and instead start by explaining to him why you've changed your mind, ask him what he thinks about that, and then ask him, "Well, if you were at all open to doing it this year instead of next year, what month would you like to have that happen? Would you have a preference?"

It's basically just "opening the doors" for that conversation to take place - accepting that no real firm decision is yet being made with regards to whether or not the reception date will change - with both parties feeling safe to share their true thoughts with one another and having equal input in the final decision. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror!
I've written to you in the past but I don't know if you remember as I wrote as anonymous. Story goes that I had a situation with a guy in another city for 3 months. We had met online and to make a long story short and in hindsight its plain and clear to me that he tried to keep the situation going despite the long distance by e-maintenance mostly (texting about 5 days a week) when he wasn't visiting in town. In the 3 months we were seeing each other he visited 3 times and thats how many dates we had. When I met him he exaggerated the truth by telling me he visits more often and for longer periods.Plus when he did visit he seemed to have trouble managing his time to see me so we would go out 1/3 days and one time we had arranged to see each other the following day too and he backed out in a stupid way that showed he didn't know how to handle the situation and he was scared I'd take a cancellation badly. Then at some point I had a conversation with him because I was frustrated. I said so is this what its gonna be? 1 date a month and in between texting? I was irritated too because he would drag out the texting for days by exhanging 5-6 texts to start the conversation and then suddenly dropping it and picking it up the next day. So I confronted him about this too and asked him why he does it and he said its his lifestyle that he's always on the go, working irregular hours etc. I told him I don't wanna pry into his business I am just saying that it makes me feel bad. I also asked him what he actually wants from me and he said to slowly develop a relationship and let it happen naturally without pushing. I said me too. After that the next conversation that happened he irritated me with his slowness again and I thought to myself 'whats the point for 1 date a month?' and so I let it die out. We didn't fall out but nobody sent another message because he knew I wasn't satisfied with the situation and I was kinda happy to get him off my mind.
That was 3 months ago and just last week I got a job in HIS city. He didn't come in mind until today and so without a second though and judging that we didn't fall out I texted him hello. Sure enough it sparked up a very warm and friendly conversation and we were both excited to be texting each other both full of news. He was very happy to hear I got a job over there too. The conversation kind of ended with him saying I am so proud of you well done etc. After that I sent one more last message to basically achieve what I realized I wanted - to see him again - and so I texted: Also when you're next in town let me know :) OF COURSE his style is to NOT reply whenever possible because he's always so cool and so my message was there, seen and acknowledged without a reply to indicate anything. From how much I know him he is very happy that I got in touch and is now again making sure he doesn't come across as too interested because MY GOODNESS his boundaries have always been set so clearly.
What do I want and why did I text him? Well, I am in a very good time in my life right now and very excited about moving to the other city. He never offended me and in his distance (physical and emotional) he did exhibit consistency and perseverence for as long as I let him. For the period of time after our 3rd date and when I confronted him and it ended we hadn't seen each other in nearly 3 months and he kept it going and trying. So I thought why not give it a try with him now that we'll be living in the same place? And the enthusiasm in his responses today did seem like it was a good decision to contact him.
I am aware that he may start the mind games again (I'm really into you but at the same time I read your message and reply 2 hrs later) but if he does I'm on another level now and it would just make me bored and indifferent. Can any good come out of this for me? How have I handled it so far?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 28, 6:45 PM,
"Can any good come out of this for me?"

There's no real way to answer that. No one can predict what will happen. You'll simply have to be patient and observe his actions to see if he takes the lead and then maintains it. Or if it's just more of the same and he's too busy, or possibly doesn't even want a relationship.

The only way you're going to know that is by seeing if he pursues you, calls you, asks you out for dates, makes time for you, and if a relationship is something he's ready for and/or wants, etc. Be patient and take it one day at a time and see what happens :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mirror :) I will be patient - I have to learn to do this as I get enthusiastic and very impatient sometimes... I am really curious to see if anything's gonna happen now because its an old story with a big obstacle (distance) and now that obstacle is gone I'm wondering if things will be different this time round. I'm also thinking that things will show fast because if he's not really interested he will have got scared at hearing I'm moving to his city and will probably NOT let me know when he's next in town (where I'm still living because I still have 2 months here). If he does get in touch though and we start seeing each other again it will be very interesting to see where it goes..... No doubt I'll post again soon. Thanks again! :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

There's a guy I've been hooking up with for 3 months now. We said we would be honest with each other in that if we are to hook up with anyone else, we would be open about it. He tells me he doesn't want to share me but this situation is a total FWB or hook up ....not sure which it is since I don't hear from him via text much in between hook ups.

The other day, we had a long text conversation and he started telling me how he thinks this one girl is attractive and so is this other girl and if I can hook him up with one of them. I went along, as there isn't a commitment between us. Laughed it off. Towards the end of the convo, I asked him if this is an invitation for us to seek other people and I asked in a fun, casual way and ended it with a happy face emoticon. He said no and that we were just having a fun conversation and added that I'm great and worth the effort.

He confuses me because he'll say certain things that make it seem like he cares, but on the other hand, his actions really show something different. When I step back and assess the situation, it seems like he only contacts me when he's able to hook up, which I can' fault him for since that's all we are. But, I sometimes feel that I'm allowing him to call the shots.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

hello Mirror!
Is it okay for a guy not to text you for 3 weeks-1 month when youre just casually dating..or is that a long time? When he does contact me- should i wait until the next day to respond? Also- he said he wanted me to cook for him? we are just getting to know eachother, so i replied back saying" don't you wish ;)"& he said "I'll work my magic and get you to do it lol :)" is that a red flag? b/c he should be taking me out, trying to impress me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 3, 12:42 PM,
"Is it okay for a guy not to text you for 3 weeks-1 month when youre just casually dating..or is that a long time?"

When you're just casually dating, that's acceptable and it's okay. Because the definition of "casual" is:

"relaxed and unconcerned. . .not regular or permanent. . .a person who does something irregularly"

So when casually dating, you can't expect regular, committed communication. That type of communication is "relationship" type communication that signifies a commitment or obligation to the other. And when that commitment or obligation to another has not been made or agreed upon, then you can't expect it ya' know?

"When he does contact me- should i wait until the next day to respond?"

That's up to you - but it does work both ways. You've made no commitment to him, and you're not obligated to him so you don't have to do anything "regular" here. I would suggest not jumping on his communications, playing it cool, taking your good ole time and leaving time and space for him to wonder why you're not jumping to respond, what you're doing, what you're thinking, etc. Give HIM something to think about ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi again MOA,

(This is the girl that had a thing for 3 months with a guy from another city and has now got a job in the guy's city and will be moving there in a couple of months and got back in touch with him about a week ago. My last post here was about 4 days ago.)

I don't have any news yet as he hasn't texted to say he's visiting yet, but I need to ask you something more - when I was seeing this guy: over the 3 months we had a total of 3 dates (last one we slept together) and the in-between communication was through messaging where he would initiate but it would be inconsistent - not every day but every 4-5 days or more and he would drop the conversation and pick it up again whenever he felt like it. Doesn't that sound casual to you? I had problems with this AND the long distance which is why it ended then because I complained about the broken communication and the lack of face to face contact.

So I am hesitating about starting to see him again even though I am moving to his city - I'm worried that he'll make it casual again and my move won't change things. My thoughts are to give it a try and see how he handles it but I don't know how to avoid letting him get comfortable in a new casual situation without coming across as neurotic and impatient to be in a serious relationship?? His words when I did the DTR conversation with him were that he wants a relationship and not something casual which is why he messages me and keeps in touch in between his visits but that we barely know each other yet and he wouldn't want to pressurize things but let them grow naturally - it had only been 3 dates after all. But the tension between us was that I didn't sign up for a long distance relationship when I met him but he tried to convince me that he visits very often which I realised he didn't really. He kept saying next month I'm going to visit for 2 weeks or my next weekend visit might be next week (due to his work) but it seemed like he kept stretching the truth to keep me interested.

I was very hesitant about getting in touch with him 3 months later (last week) when I got the news about my new job but I thought I might as well just say hello and see if we are still on talking terms. His response was so enthusiastic and NOT at snail speed that I got my hopes up that this might be a new page with him which is why I told him to let me know when he next visits my city. However its been a week already and I haven't had any news about a visit (I'm being impatient probably as it might be another month before he visits). If he does get in touch when he visits I'll go out with him and kind of continue where we left off without having another DTR and just letting it progress naturally like he said... What do you think?

I'm worried I might get myself trapped in a casual situation with no hope but at the same time I'm starting a new life and I'm feeling so positive in general and I would just love for him to be a part of it.

Anonymous said...

Hi!! I'm so glad I found this post! I am wondering if you can help me clarify the guy I'm dating?! I've been seeing this guy for a month and in the beginning he texted me to talk and maybe hang out. After our first date it went very well. But I noticed that I'm always the oneed initiating contact with him. He is very busy with his job and I get that. When I text ie. Say good morning, he'll respond in a reasonable time frame. And if I carry on the convo, he'll carry it on with me till night time. However, if I tried not messaging him first one time and I got no text from him! I left it for a couple days and caved in. So I texted him first again. I asked him why he couldn'text me and that I'm always initiating, and he says "it's not a game whoever texts first wins" (WTF) anyways I got over it because when we are on dates he'll hold my hand in public and pays for everything etc. Acts like my boyfriend but then he just doesn't msg me until I say something to him first! When I ask him about it he says I only look at small things and not look at the fact that he talks to me like 12 hrs a day (yeah. only if I say some thing back) it happened again and this time I ignored txting for a whole week and still no text from him. Are there guys that just hate txting so much or is there something else here?! I'm very interested in a relationship with him but I feel like maybe I'm rushing for his deep communication which I am not getting.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 4, 3:44 PM,
"If he does get in touch when he visits I'll go out with him and kind of continue where we left off without having another DTR and just letting it progress naturally like he said... What do you think?"

Well that's a personal choice for you to make, however, I wouldn't hold my breath for this one. Three months and only 3 dates is one thing. . .but no phone calls or long late night talks in between those is another. Regardless of the distance, he could've been getting to know you better and unfortunately, it doesn't appear he's done that and that kinda' tells me that this man wants to keep things casual - and that his words about wanting a relationship were just exactly that, a bunch of cheap talk. He fibbed about how often he's in your city, so chances are he's probably fibbed about other things as well just so he could keep stringing things along.

When a man's words do not align with his actions - it's a red flag that's worth paying attention to. So if you decide to see him again just keep that in mind and don't let your hopes rise so far that you end up crashing to the ground hard when nothing actually changes with him, ya' know? It could go either way, but just keep that in mind so that you keep things in perspective and don't get hurt.

Anonymous said...

(3 months/ 3 dates story)

Thank you dear MOA - you pin pointed the reasons that are not allowing me to be excited about this. His words did NOT match his actions.

I have news! Just yesterday...(1 week after I got back in touch with him and left it at: let me know when you're next in town)...he texted me. He was trying to strike up a conversation regardless of his next visit. He was asking me how I am, what else is new AND for the FIRST time sharing not only his news but his problems too. He even tried to involve me in something he is working on right now. He was also sending me links to websites to help me find a place to live. If I had been as communicative as him the conversation would have continued for many hours.

Basically, I sensed that he was shyly trying to find reasons to talk to me....trying to get closer but with some anxiety in him that he didn't have before. I sensed from last week that he was really happy and surprised that I got back in touch and that I'm moving to his city.

Only thing is, in accordance with what you pointed out about what happened with him before...I am not betting on anything great happening here AND I am feeling hurt...I had developed feelings for him when he stringed me along....primarily because I was very attracted to him and because I thought we were a good match on many levels. Just the fact though that I wanted him 100% back then and he was keeping it casual makes my stomach turn. I try and tell myself that back then we had no idea where I would live after my studies, we already lived far apart, we had no history behind us...etc and it is logical that he didn't invest much in our situation. Does that make sense and does it mean genuine interest can be there now that the obstacles are gone?

So I am confused......do I reciprocate his interest and involve him in my home search and generally have him back in my life through text messages? Or do I keep quiet and let him do the running?

I do want to give it a try with him (if I can overcome what has happened in the past) but I'm not sure how to go about it with communication now? He said that he has a lot more work than he used to and isn't visiting my city much any more, so do I engage in communication with him via long-distance from now/ wait till he visits and let him do the running now/ forget about him until I move to his city in 2 months??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 5, 1:09 AM,
"Are there guys that just hate txting so much or is there something else here?! I'm very interested in a relationship with him but I feel like maybe I'm rushing for his deep communication which I am not getting."

Well, here's the thing - you're only casually dating at this point, but it appears that you're expecting regular "relationship" type communication to take place. Casual dating is irregular, uncommitted and sporadic and as such, the communication will fall in line with that and be the same - until he asks you for a commitment. Once that happens, you can expect a bit more regularity with regards to communication.

Additionally, the only way a woman can really start to understand where she stands with a man is to let him take the lead and see if he contacts her. If he doesn't, you have your answer. If he does, you have more insight into the situation. Either way, you're getting a better idea of the big picture.

Some men when casually dating only contact the woman about once every two weeks, and only when they'd like to see her or ask her out - no small talk in between that time. Some only do this once a month, and others keep in touch every few days or so and initiate small talk. It varies from situation to situation. But if you start asking questions and pushing for answers, you risk the guy pulling back from you and distancing himself because he'll sense that you have certain "expectations" that you're projecting onto him, and that will come across as you pushing for a relationship.

The best thing is not to do that, and instead, just continue on with your own life, not contacting him, seeing if he contacts you, and casually dating others (no sex) in the meantime - so that you don't get so focused on one man that you start to "expect" things too soon. You can't control others, you can only control your reaction to them. So if you're unhappy about a man's communication style, rather than question him and try to change him to move at your speed, it's much better to place him on the back burner, see him when he comes around, and instead - continue to date others in the meantime (instead of waiting around for one man to see things your way, and placing all your eggs in his basket).

If I were you, I'd cease initiating contact, I'd cease carry out those contacts for 12 hour stints (it's much better to give enough time and space for him to miss you so that he'll actually pick up the phone and seek you out), and I'd date others in the meantime as well. Because it's human nature that when something is in "abundance" and always readily available - people tend to place a lower value on it and begin to take it for granted. However, when something is "scarce" and hard to come by and the person has to work to earn it - it has the odd effect of making them want it even more, to the point of hunting it down and devoting a lot of energy and time towards attaining it.

So I'd suggest that you don't make yourself available in "abundance" to him - and instead, become "scarce" and then observe his actions after you've done so because actions always speak louder than words ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 6, 1:35 PM,
"do I engage in communication with him via long-distance from now/ wait till he visits and let him do the running now/ forget about him until I move to his city in 2 months?"

The choice is yours. However, if you feel you invested more previously than he did and you got hurt because of it, then my suggestion would be to keep some distance there, don't focus on him so much or a future with him, and wait to see what happens once you've moved.

Because you've already been "stung" here by this once before - so take it as a lesson learned and do your best not to repeat or the behaviors that led to it, so as to protect yourself from becoming too emotionally invested :-)

Anonymous said...

This is the ting with my situation. I have been seeing this guy since October of last year. When me and him text it was effortless. He would always text me good morning. if he didn't then I would. I would see him very other week. During this time, I have asked him about dinner and if he said that he was busy, he would tell me let me get back to you and he would or say I can't do this date but this day will work. He would ask for me to come over and he would make me lunch, etc. Then he went on a Trip of out the country and was gone for 3 weeks. During this time, I wasn't expecting him to reach out to me but he was the whole time. Sending me pics, asking me how I was doing reaching out and everything. Then once he got back, the texting changed and the next time I saw him was a month later. He said that he was busy getting things done that he needed to take care of since he was gone for so long. Then he stopped initiating the conversation. When it was effortless conversation, sometimes we would could a day tops not texting but recently I was like fuck this shit, I'm tired of being the one texting all the time, I would like to see if he cares or if he is interested for a change. He didn't text me or attempt to the entire week. Now I have been reading you blog and particularly this one and I couldn't fight the urge to not text him because I really liked him a lot and there was nothing else that was going wrong with us talking in general. Now I can say that everytime I will go days without talking to him to see if he would reach out and I finally did, he would start texting me a lot after I initated it as if he was waiting on me to text him the whole time. A few days ago over the memorial day weekend I did. He was sending me videos of him at the beach and I told him that I was going as well and he told me to have fun. When I text him, it doesn't feel right anymore, its like i'm afraid to ...afraid to look desperate, or he may be busy . I made my mind up about not reaching out anymore, and if we do meet I am going to ask him about the communication we are having or what we are doing.

Anonymous said...

well that's strange he told you to have fun at the beach.. he should be asking you to go, not texting you to have fun unless you are only a text buddy. I would leave it be.. now if he actually calls or even texts plans in real time that's he may be interested. Its easy to text a lot of bs and take a break when you are bored or traveling with your actual real time girlfriend. Sorry to be harsh but texting means nothing to men no matter what they might tell you. Mirror may have a better explanation, I thnk I may sound harsh but never settle for a texting relationship, ever.. ITS NOT REAL!!!! and your emotions get all caught up in techno trash, these things go nowhere and your emotions feed some dudes ego who is doing this with like many other young females...

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
This guy ive been casually talking to, i feel like hes a manipulator/player and actually said he likes to control girls to one of his friends on social media so im thinking hes insecure or something. And he talks alot but his actions say something completely different. He rarely texts me but he contacts me more on social media. Im not interested in him anymore because i dont want to be just another girl he strings along for months. Im fine with occasionally speaking since we arent a couple, but hes already made false plans he said would happen. If i delete him off social media would that be a reaction? Or should i just leave him but ignore him, and continue to date others.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 28, 7:42 PM,
"If i delete him off social media would that be a reaction? Or should i just leave him but ignore him, and continue to date others."

That's a personal decision. Meaning, if you think it's for your own good, go ahead and delete him. However, if you can manage not getting caught up in any games he's playing there, I'd leave him be and just ignore him - or get a good laugh over his antics there LOL.

He sounds somewhat like a childish buffoon and if that's the case, he most likely "acts up" on social media to get a rise out of people (women). If it doesn't bother you, it can actually be entertaining watching him act out there. (You can learn SO much about someone through observation LOL). But if he contacts you and it bothers you or you don't want anything to do with him and you think it'd be in your best interest to sever ties there as a result, then that's what you do.

Either way the choice is yours - do what's best for yourself :-)

Anonymous said...

hey MOA-
i recently started talking to this new guy. We've technically known eachother for 2 months because he works at a food spot and i used to always come in. Anyways even though i rarely do this i gave him my number because hes always busy at work and he gave me a free meal before. i have been pacing the texts out like 20-30 minutes each.. (responding not initiating) and he said i suck at texting..?.why is he so eager to text at lightening speed? he told me he didnt ask for my number because he assumed i had a boyfriend, we are going out on a date later this week...but when i said im not in a relationship right now he said "hopefully i can change that for you". like whats the rush? i said we will have to see how things unfold after we get to know each other and he said yeah thats true. Should i be cautious around him because i dont like rushing into anything. But he does seem to genuinely want to get to know me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 2, 11:05 PM,
"i have been pacing the texts out like 20-30 minutes each.. (responding not initiating) and he said i suck at texting..?.why is he so eager to text at lightening speed?"

Oh well, you suck at texting LOL. I don't think that taking 20 minutes to respond is a big deal at all, and if he thinks it is - then he's a bit insecure. Which could also explain why he's attempting to rush into things here.

"Should i be cautious around him because i dont like rushing into anything"

Well, as much as I hate to say this, it's been my experience that. . .fools rush in. And every time either myself or a friend or other women I've talked to have had a guy in their life that was quick on the draw. . .he also ended up being a man that disappeared just as quickly.

Things that start out hot and fast, tend to burn out just as quickly - generally speaking.

And if he's a bit insecure and he's seeking a "sure thing" here as a result, I've experienced that those types that need lots of reassurance from others - fail to return that courtesy and instead, quickly become fearful of commitment.

Everything's fine until it's time to get serious - and then poof, gone.

And that's when you hear the "things started off really great, he was very attentive, he contacted me all the time and treated me nice - and so then I slept with him and. . .now I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks" story.

So yea, you should be cautious. But that doesn't mean it's not worth exploring.

You'll have to spend some time with him and get to know him better - and NOT let him pressure you or rush you into bed with him. Don't let him "fast track" you into sex or manipulate you into thinking early on that he's "relationship ready" when the reality was that he was only "sex ready."

Anytime people pressure you, you should always be cautious because it's clear that they have an agenda that they're dead set on seeing through - and they may be so willing to see their agenda achieved that they're not about using you in the process to attain it.

And the "sweep her off her feet" method is as old as the hills. When someone is heavily attempting to influence you and your decisions. . .always take a step back, regroup, keep your wits about you, and proceed with caution. Feel free to explore, but keep your feet firmly planted on the ground :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you MOA- how do i deal with him texting me literally everyday? Every morning he texts me goodmorning and then asks me the boring "whatsup or wyd" text. Like if hes just going to ask me the boring wyd or whatsup text every few hours, i dont really need to talk. If it was up to him we would talk all day but i end the conversation first or let him have the last word. Then he'll say "whatsup" a few hours later. I just feel kinda smothered.. because its SO much.

Anonymous said...

Hello dear MOA,

This one is more about letting go than no contact which is what I'm guessing you'll believe but I still need to share and hear your advice.

I made out with this friend of a friend at a party about a month ago. It only went as far as kissing but of course he asked to come up when he dropped me off home and I told him I don't move so fast. When I went upstairs I felt this awful feeling of sadness and loneliness... the guy had not said anything about seeing each other again and he didn't even ask for my number. I also had this strong feeling of wanting him (emotionally more) and so I couldn't help myself but text him explaining that I don't move so fast etc... He replied and explained that he's not open to dating because he is in a complicated situation from a recent breakup etc and he doesn't want to be unfair to me. I said to him that its ok I understand just know that I am also moving away in a few months so I'm not able to commit to anything new at the moment either. I am open to hanging out and having a good time together though (=casual). He said thats cool, then we're on the same page, just chill then and lets just see how it goes ok?? I agreed.

After that the next day he texts me again begging me not to tell anyone about our making out last night because he doesn't want people talking and because of his 'situation' (by the way his ex lives in another country). I said I have nothing to share and no interest in talking about what happened to anyone. He thanked me and that was it.

A few weeks passed and 2 days ago I bumped into him walking down the road. My knees went weak but I kept my cool and he stopped and we talked for about 15 mins in the road while he was being really friendly (with flirtation in his eyes) and asking me about all my news and sharing his news. He then asked me about where I hang out now and if there are any parties planned and I was vague in my response and then he suggested a weekly event that happens at a club. I expected that he was gonna continue by suggesting I join him and his friends next time he goes but all he said was 'I strongly recommend it'....

The next day (yesterday) I sent him a message kinda last minute telling him that I forgot to mention yesterday that we are having a party tonight and he is welcome to join and people he knows will be there. The message was read but he didn't reply. Instead he replied this morning telling me he only just got the opportunity to read the message properly and he couldn't come because he had an early morning flight. I saw the message but didn't reply as I was disappointed again and my hopes that his friendliness and flirtation when bumping into him in the road the day before were a positive sign got crashed. I have never felt so unwanted by a guy before and its driving me crazy because I have been thinking about him every day for the past weeks and imagining crazy things like marrying him (!!!). Why are my emotions so off the rail? I am thinking there is some psychological reason behind this ... like maybe he reminds me of someone or whatever.
MOA do you think there is a chance he wants to see me again since he stopped to chat so long in the road the other day? Do you think he might get in touch once he returns next week? Also what do you think is up here - I mean why is he so avoidant of me when we had such good chemistry and people have told me he liked me since the first time he saw me?


Anonymous said...


This is bad for me because I have started dating someone new and I am still thinking of this guy and comparing and getting cold feet with the new guy. The new guy seems much more attentive but I know that if the other guy gets in touch when he gets back it will be hard for me to resist. I feel so sad that he didn't come to the party last night and that he replied this morning so late.... And then I feel bad that I even got in contact yesterday and invited him. I feel so sad right now and hopeless. I can't believe that he won't even have something casual with me although I offered it (what guy turns that down!!!)... I can even say I actually feel unhappy right now... happiness seems so out of reach right now...


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I have never felt so unwanted by a guy before and its driving me crazy"

It shouldn't - because it has absolutely nothing to do with you. He's already stated that "he's not open to dating" and the reason why. That's what's taking place here - it has nothing to do with you.

"Why are my emotions so off the rail?"

Well. . .have you thought about why you need validation from him? Have you considered that maybe, possibly. . .you're weighing your value as a woman based upon how men perceive you or the reaction they provide you. . .rather than what you, yourself, truly have to offer - regardless of what they think?

Your value as a woman comes from within - it does not come from the judgment or perceptions of men ;-)

"MOA do you think there is a chance he wants to see me again since he stopped to chat so long in the road the other day?"

As a friend - sure I imagine he does. But as a romantic interest, it's clear he's not seeking anything romantic at this time with anyone, which again has nothing to do with you.

"why is he so avoidant of me when we had such good chemistry and people have told me he liked me since the first time he saw me?"

This is just my gut speaking based upon what you've shared here, but my guess would be that he's avoiding you because he senses you're romantically interested, and he may be as well, but he's not going to tempt himself for reasons he's already stated so he's placed some distance there to make sure that doesn't happen.

"I know that if the other guy gets in touch when he gets back it will be hard for me to resist"

I wouldn't suggest considering this because even if this man did circle around again, and even if you two DID become romantic, there's a very high likelihood he'd disappear after the encounter because he's not open to dating and/or a new relationship at this time. So if you don't want to get hurt, I'd suggest you not entertain any of that.

"I can't believe that he won't even have something casual with me although I offered it (what guy turns that down!!!)"

Be GLAD he's done this. He could've just used you and then disposed of you but he didn't do that. Instead, he's actually showing you a lot of RESPECT here by NOT doing that. . .so be happy about that cause it's a good thing and there are a lot of women here on this site that would've loved the same treatment, but instead were used and then disposed of :-(

He's showing you some respect - be thankful for that :-)

Anonymous said...


Thank you. Yes, your gut feeling is correct - I am sure he senses that I am interested romantically and that showed when we bumped into each other in the street the other day and there were some pauses and looks which showed that at least one of us felt something.

The thing is, he is currently looking for work and he has a time limit to find the work he wants which makes things very pressurizing (he is an international postgraduate student). I was in the same situation as him until recently but I found work. He had told me he wants to find work in the same city as me and when I bumped into him he told me he found work but in another city. Then he paused and told me that he will not stay there and is determined to get to the city I will be (for many reasons I guess).

And so basically he is in the midst of a difficult situation now with a long-term relationship that has recently ended where he was supposed to go to her city but after that all his plans were changed. And so I see that he is in no position to invest any attention on me and romance is the last thing on his mind. But I really really hope that he succeeds in those plans and quickly. And then who knows... :-)

I really like this guy and it honestly feels as though we have known each other for a long time.


Anonymous said...

Hey there MOA,

So I made the mistake (it was a moment of weakness!!) of texting an old flame once I found out he was back in town. We were in a non-committed, casual dating thing before he left and I hate to say it but was overly excited to hear he was back so sent him a quick message a few days after his friend told me he got back in town saying Hey good to hear you are back, hope all is well with you! to be honest, I was a little put off he didn’t contact me which is what led to the text. I know, that’ s needy especially coming from two people in a casual relationship but like I said, I wasn’t thinking. Or was overthinking. Or both!! :\
FYI, we NEVER had sex, nor was he seeing someone else at the time when he left. we were casual, just getting started (6 weeks of casual dating). So while im shaking my head in disgust at my text, Im sure he knows im not looking for sex like some other girls. But still….

Anyway, its been 2 weeks since my text and he hasn’t called or anything. CRAP!!!! I can only wonder if he would have eventually reached out to me had I not contacted him. Id love an opportunity to “play it cool” and do the “silence” thing but I am not GETTING an opportunity and am BANGING MY HEAD for my lack of restraint!!! So MOA, how do I redeem myself from my stupid lack of self restraint? CAN I redeem myself?
OH LOLOL Please help :)

Anonymous said...

hi , i really like the article you wrote M. O.A and also i like the discussion bellow with the ''Anonymous'' ;-))
i guess you both have right to certain extend , i don't think is all black and white , there must be a moment when one knows if the guy likes u , ignores u or is really shy ..but again purely via texting is very difficult to decide it , esp if you are woman ..we Analise things too much
And here i am on the dating site , found someone , we met and it was the full Monty after the first date ,but as we both were working since 6 am that day ,basically just went to bed , slept without doing anything , lol ... it was really nice and lovely to sleep in his arms not being touched and harassed.I felt it was very kind and i felt safe ..... so but in the morning i was still wandering does he actually like me ( i am pretty hot girl btw , as well as he is a pretty hot man ) and long story short , well we had sex in the morning but it wasn't that great ....i guess we both were very nervous and we were not totally relaxed . I texted him the day after as i left some time for him to settle ... asked him how he is , he said '' am still alive'' , i had a feeling he was worried about having sex with me that early in the dating and that may be he didn't do that great .. i tried to reassure him it was fine by me and explained to him that i like him and i would like to see him again in a very honest but casual and free like way ,we both have very similar sense of humor and so we get each others thinking very well .So since then i got ill bad cold flue , had to change my job ,moved to a different place,but still not too far from him.. this happened only a week after we been together. I kept texting him to keep in touch and suggested i would meet up with him as soon as i get well .He kept saying ,he would be waiting for this ...but he never initiate any texing , it is mainly me and fair enough he answers back almost straight away,very short and to the point .I don't understand if he is shy , reserved or not interested, is he actually interested or just being polite .....
Please can you tell me what do you think ?


Anonymous said...

Hi it is Anonymous (E.Y) ...I just forgot to mention he is Scorpio,Venus in Virgo ,mars and moon in cancer ... this makes it even more confusing and challenging for me to understand his texting..or not texting behavior ;-))
What would you say , how to get into the mind of such man ;-))


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 8, 4:43 PM,
Well, at this point there's nothing you can do - other than cease beating yourself up over it LOL.

If you "do" anything else (i.e. take anymore action), it may only further complicate things. Maybe he's got a new phone number, who knows? I wouldn't stress over it though.

When he's ready - he'll seek you out :-)

Fire&Water said...

More fallout of my reading comments on the original Disappearing Men post :-) ...I picked this article because I think it's the most appropriate place for this question. At some point in dating, most guys angle around one way or another to wanting to know how many men I've slept with. Straight up: I'm a virgin. But I do NOT want to tell them that. It inevitably gets men thinking the wrong way. I generally have a decent ability to come up with witty replies but for some reason, my brain *always* shorts circuits on this one. Gaaaah. Mirror, do you have any suggestions???
PS I am in my 30s.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Fire & Water,
"most guys angle around one way or another to wanting to know how many men I've slept with. . .my brain *always* shorts circuits on this one. . .do you have any suggestions???"

You know what's funny about that question? Probably by my mid-30's. . .men stopped asking that stupid question LOL. It's actually an ignorant question because it immediately signals that they're looking for something to "judge" you on. Maybe not in a nefarious manner, but they're seeking to make a judgment about you nonetheless, which is ignorant.

How to respond? Me being me, many times I've turned the question right back on them with something like, "Wow, that's a bold question and it sounds like you have a "number" and keep track, so cough it up, let's hear it - what's your number?"

To which they very RARELY if EVER answered - which put the question to rest right then and there LOL.

Don't get fooled into answering those questions because no matter what you say, they'll make a snap judgment and they'll take whatever information you provide them and use it against you. Now that may sound like I'm making a judgment that all men are ignorant LOL, but the reality is that only immature, ignorant men ask that question.

All of the decent men I've dated NEVER asked me that. But all of the arrogant, childish ones I've dated asked it pretty early on LOL.

And if that response above isn't adequate, you could turn it into a big joke. Throw a crazy number at them and respond with, "Oh hmm, lemme think a minute. I'd say my number is probably hovering right around 75 or 80 or so at this point. I had a pretty dry year last year, but this year I intend to hit 100."

Say it dead serious and look them right in the eye (and watch em' squirm LOL).

Or you could respond with, "Ahh, the number question. Kinda' personal don't you think? Well let's see, they say every man adds about 10 to his number, and every woman subtracts about 3 or 4. So that'd put me right around. . .92."

Dance around the question until you are in a committed relationship with the man and you trust him. If the man isn't committing to you - then you don't have to commit an answer to him, it's none of his business.

Dance around it in the same manner a lot of men dance around the "where do we stand" question LOL ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"we met and it was the full Monty after the first date ,but as we both were working since 6 am that day, basically just went to bed , slept without doing anything"

My suggestion would be to NEVER spend the night with a strange man you've just met - or ANY man on ANY first date. Because whether we like it or not - when a woman does that and willingly places herself in that situation, men do judge that (even though they deny it). They will think to themselves "She must do this with every guy she meets." And then the situation quickly turns into a "friends with benefits" situation and/or a "booty call" situation because secretly, the man will lack respect for the woman :-(

If it's a committed relationship you seek, there's a specific path required. And that path is a long "get to know you" period (without sex, without sleep overs, etc.). And that starts with regular phone calls, then formal dates (dinner, movies, activities together - then you go home). You do this for at least an entire month before even considering spending the night, sex or not. You use this period to observe the man's behavior to see if you can trust him, to see if he's going to stick around. . .and most importantly, to gauge whether or not he's into you. And you watch for consistent, reliable actions from him. You don't contact him, you let him be the man and initiate contact, ask you for dates, call you, etc.

If a man does those things regularly and consistently for a length of time, then you, as a woman, have a much better idea of where you stand with him - and there's no confusion about that (because his consistent actions are proving this).

That's the path to a committed relationship.

On the other hand, the path to a brief "fling" or hookup situation that won't last is to start off hot and heavy, go home with the man and end up in bed on the first night. Picture it like an airplane ride. If you want to go to Florida (committed relationship), you don't book a flight to Russia (a hookup). Instead, you take the direct path to Florida (committed relationship).

"I texted him the day after. . . i tried to reassure him. . .I kept texting him. . .he never initiate any texing"

When dating, as a woman if you don't want to end up confused about how the man feels about you - then you have to let HIM take the masculine role (leader, initiator) and you as a woman must slip into the feminine role (submissive). Because when the woman takes the lead and initiates all the contact, she is unable to then observe the actions of the man - and as a result, she ends up confused and does not know how the man feels about her.

If you instead sit back and let HIM be the man and take the lead - you are able to observe his actions and gauge where you stand with him. If he calls regularly, asks for dates regularly, wants to see you regularly, and texts you regularly. . .then you're not confused and you don't need to question anything.

And if the woman does that and the man isn't calling, isn't texting, isn't asking for dates and isn't indicating he wants to see her again - the you have your answer.

Either way, letting the man take the lead will provide the answer - and there is then no confusion.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I don't understand if he is shy , reserved or not interested, is he actually interested or just being polite ....."

You're confused because you do not have the opportunity to observe his actions. If you want the answer -- you have to stop contacting him, do absolutely nothing. . .and then observe what HE DOES. You have to cease taking action and the lead to see if he will step into that role and takeover. You need to see if he calls you, texts you, asks you on dates, and indicates he wants to see you.

But he cannot do that if YOU are the one doing all of that instead, ya' know? You have to give him the opportunity and the space and time to do these things. And if he doesn't do those things or take any action - then you have your answer. If he does start to do those things and he does take action - then you have your answer.

Either way - if you let the man lead and take on the masculine role, while you slip into the feminine submissive role. . .you will ALWAYS have your answer.

And that's why I do not advocate women contacting men - it only ends up leaving the woman confused about where she stands with the man. . .because she is unable to observe any of the man's actions.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA! :)

This is 3 dates/3 months girl (last post May 7th). I have news.

Last time you replied to my post you said that I shouldn't hold my breath for this guy as in the long distance situation of 3 dates/3 months he could have got to know me better rather than sending some texts inconsistently.

So after that message I sent you and you replied to, at the time I got in touch with him to tell him I'm moving to his city, he started texting me in a different way - being more interested in details and being more open about himself. Also responding immediately to my texts and creating a 'live' conversation in a way.

For a few weeks he started moving back into the communication zone knowing that now I am moving to his city in a couple of months. He was hinting at a relationship in the conversations by mentioning how our lifestyles could be combined etc...

Then the communication stopped for 2 weeks (it had become a weekly communication). I have been dating other guys too so I didn't pay much attention. And suddenly he texted me yesterday to say that he's in town and had been in hospital for the past 2 weeks because he had been hit by a car - but he's on the recovery thankfully. He asked to see me that night because he was only in town for a day and I agreed.

My attitude was very relaxed. In my mind, I believed that I needn't have a plan for the night about whether to sleep with him and what to say and whether to DTR because I still have 2 months until I move to his city and I thought whatever happens now is irrelevant to the long run in a way. It would be a nice reunion after not seeing each other for 4 months.

So we went out and it was really nice. He was very enthusiastic and very interested in all my news and we shared a lot. Then at some point he asked me about when I had my last serious relationship and then he told me about his last serious relationship (1,5 years ago) and there was a lot of laughing and smiliing and joking around in the conversation at the same time. Then he said 1,5 years is quite a long time so don't you think its time I got serious with someone? And I responded half teasing and saying yes and then we were joking saying its time we both got serious etc. Eventually we ended up at my place and he spent the night. The next morning (today) he told me (again awkwardly laughing at the same time) that the way 'things happened' during the night he would only have 'happen' with a serious girlfriend...and I said the same goes for me. When he left my place (near lunchtime) to catch a train to go back to his city he kissed me goodbye and told me when he'll next be in town (in about a month) and asked me when I'll be in his city (which will be in 2 weeks). So he told me to get in touch to see each other and then we parted.


Anonymous said...


So as you can see MOA there are some changes here.... or so it seems. Do you agree? I enjoyed myself much more and was much more composed because I had put less emphasis on the whole thing in my mind. I had told myself that when I move there in August we will see... which I think makes sense as you had agreed in my last message.

My question is related to contact.... he did the DTR last night or tried to show me in any case that he has the intention of a serious relationship. I responded in a light way trying to keep the atmosphere light and avoid awkwardness and didn't reject the possibility and I think I showed I'm open to it. In any case back in the autumn when we were dating I had done the DTR and showed that I want to be more serious if you remember. So now I'm gonna be in his city in 2 weeks on a business trip (which I can extend by a day to fit him in) and then he's visiting in July. Do you think I sit back and observe his contacting behaviour now and judge? Do you think his intentions need to be proven with his contact now in the present or should I stay cool and give him space by considering it 'on hold' until I move to his city? Also I was thinking that when I visit in a couple of weeks I could again enjoy a date with him and then sleep over at his place etc or I could do a DTR then and say 'I like you but I don't want this to be an every-2-weeks kinda thing again so lets wait till september OR tell me what YOU want/if things will change when I move'? Or do you think he's shown enough good intentions for the time being and until I move I can just enjoy a casual (prospectively serious) relationship?

Thank you MOA!

Anonymous said...

Thank you MOA. I guess i spoiled it by being too eager and i didn't give a chance for the guy to do the chasing ,but as i am still very new to the world of dating ,esp online dating i find it really stressful and confusing how to deal with guys... so i guess he will not call for a second date ;-( ... meanwhile i got terribly ill with fever , had to change job and place of living,not far from where he works and lives and it s only 3days after we been together .I kept in touch with him ,it has been 2 weeks . I make him lough with my texts ,as i said we both have similar sense of humor but again he only replies short like (LOL ,Haha or a just one word which could be interpret in different ways),and reserved and he never use punctuation or emoticons ,well very rarely but he replies always straight away , i mean not ignoring my texts ... i know he works a lot!! ,yesterday i texted him something and he again replied straight away but again very short ... i felt i wanted to ask him why is he so cold with me , he replied ''no idea ,what are you talking about'' , i texted the next day '' it is difficult when texting , i never know if you are serious or if you are joking because you always reply very short and reserved..and so i get the cold vibe ,that's it'' he texed me back ''or may be i'm busy did u consider this?'' i said '' i understand... i keep forgetting how much you are working..sorry x'' and he said ''good idea '' ......what sort of an answer is this ?!!?? now i am totally lost , and i am afraid i am definitely not going to see him . I know he works a lot of hours , his day starts at 4am till 11pm,he is also very disciplined ,like a soldier or a monk really ,that's a lot !!! but still i don't get it ...?! In fact when i was reading some post on online dating or texting and communicating with the guys ,most of them say that we should be honest to the guy and not playing mind games.I am a pretty honest girl and so i communicate like that. So i really don't know ... i really would love to see him again and i hope there is still a chance ..tell me please ;-)) or and as i said he is scorpio with moon in cancer and venus in vergo , i am leo with moon Taurus and venus in cancer ...but still does it make any difference ;-)) i wonder
Thank you for you lovely Blog MOA and for you very honest and good words of wisdom !!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 11, 9:23 AM,
"there are some changes here.... or so it seems. Do you agree?"

Well, yes and no LOL. I don't want to burst your bubble because who knows, maybe he's getting close to being ready now, maybe he's not? But I see this man doing a lot of talking - and taking very little ACTION. And I also see him somewhat placing the burden of keeping this going onto you, instead of him SHOWING THROUGH HIS ACTIONS that he's truly serious.

Because when a man's words and actions do NOT align, it's a red flag:

"He was hinting at a relationship. . .mentioning how our lifestyles could be combined. . .he told me that the way 'things happened' during the night he would only have 'happen' with a serious girlfriend."

Yet he turns around and does this:

"he told me to get in touch to see each other"

So you have to ask yourself, why would this man talk a lot about a relationship - but then turn around and do nothing about it, and take no action himself to see you again in the future?

So you'll have to be cautious here because so far, I'm not seeing any action from him, just a bunch of sweet talk. And as we all know, talk is cheap - and actions speak louder than words. So keep that in mind is all. He can talk all he wants - but if he does absolutely nothing about it or nothing to follow through, then all that talk is cheap and means nothing. So be very careful about buying what he's saying, and instead - watch his actions because that's what truly tells the tale. And so far - it's been YOU doing all of the work to keep this going, while he's done very little if anything. And if that continues to happen, you're not going to know whether or not this man is telling the truth and he's genuinely interested. . .or if he's simply being polite and taking you up on your offer for some casual fun in the meantime, ya' know?

"tried to show me in any case that he has the intention of a serious relationship"

How did he try to show you? What actions did he take? Or was it just all talk? Just be careful because people lie and mislead others by telling them what they think they want to hear every single day of the week (so that they can use them).

If it's all talk - I'd watch for him to take some action instead before I'd believe him. The actions you need to watch for (and that he should DEFINITELY be taking if he truly is interested in a relationship with you) are things like calling you regularly, initiating texts with you, asking to see you, arranging dates with you, etc. Because a man that's truly interested will want to stay in contact with a woman so that no other man comes along in the meantime and steals her away ;-)

"Do you think I sit back and observe his contacting behaviour now and judge?"

Absolutely. Put him to the test and see if he's a man of word.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Do you think his intentions need to be proven with his contact now in the present or should I stay cool and give him space by considering it 'on hold' until I move to his city?"

YOU should not contact him, HE should be pursuing and contacting YOU now if what he said is true about him wanting a possible relationship with you. The only way you're going to know if he was being honest is to see if he takes any actions to follow through. If you're the one that continues to initiate the contact, you're never going to know if he's truly interested, or if he's just being nice and taking you up on your offer to casually hangout.

If he was telling the truth and he's genuinely interested in a relationship, he won't let much time elapse before reaching out to you. Because a man who is genuinely interested calls regularly, texts regularly, plans for dates, keeps in touch and indicates he'd like to see you.

"Or do you think he's shown enough good intentions for the time being and until I move I can just enjoy a casual (prospectively serious) relationship?"

Well, again - I'm not seeing him SHOW anything, he hasn't taken any actions based on what you're telling me. All I'm seeing here is him going along with things and talking a lot, but doing nothing.

If I were you, I'd wait to see if he contacts me. I'd wait to see if he texts me. I'd wait to see if he starts to pursue me. . .or if he just does absolutely nothing. Because again, a man that's genuinely interested will NOT let a lot of time elapse before reaching out. And truthfully, a man that is truly genuinely interested would've stayed in touch regularly, with him initiating the contact, from the moment he revealed he was interested during your last encounter.

Just proceed with caution. Ignore what he SAYS - and instead - see what he DOES. People can say anything they think you want to hear. But if they weren't being honest, you'll be able to identify that immediately when you see that they're doing nothing to follow through with those words to make it actually happen.

Do nothing and watch and observe to see if his words align with his actions. If so, then he was telling the truth. If not - well then. . .chances are he was "sweet talking" and nothing more :-(

Anonymous said...

(3 monrhs/ 3 dates)

Hi again MOA!

Thank you for your time and advice - it's so helpful. So I have more news and today has not been great.

So as you know today was the day-after and this morning we parted. He DID text me today after we parted and my hopes got up. He just wanted to start general conversation.

BUT somewhere down the line of the conversation when I said sth like 'well I'll need a tour guide to see the lakes' hinting at him and expecting him to respond to the flirty hint by playing along he just didn't respond. Do you leave a girl hanging like that? Doesn't that comment I made need some sort of reply?

So I got upset and disappointed and felt that the quick contact of his meant nothing in the end and so I wonder whether it's time to forget about him even though we'll be in the same city from August. What do you think MOA? Was his non response a red card?

Anonymous said...

(3 months/3 dates)

P.S: He did reply shortly after I made the last post.

Just to make a note related to your last reply - generally speaking, when it comes to texting I never initiate he always has. The issue here is that even if he has changed...I am very quick to observe any 'old patterns' of behaviour and one of those was his tendency to reply to a direct question ridiculously late or even the next day.

I followed your advice back then and I never initiated and I also mirrored his behaviour which made me feel better and made him be more regular in contact (e.g. 2 times a week instead of once a week). All that got so boring for me at some point though because we had this casual texting long distance thing and I just wanted it to stop. So I did the DTR with him and he then did the sweet talk but a week later when I saw no improvement I told him 'you must be kidding' and he responded with defensiveness and saying about how busy he is etc and after that we didn't text again.

3 months down the line I've relaxed, I've been dating other guys and I also get a job in his city to start in a few months. So I announce the news to him in a friendly casual way and he responds enthusiastically and makes a POINT of doing EXACTLY what I had asked him to do in the DTR - be punctual with his texting and he even explained why he might delay replying (e.g. I'm going on the underground etc). This new behaviour made me feel like I could actually engage in communication with him since he has changed.

Sure enough that happened with contact taking place about once a week - just catching up on all our news. And after a few weeks he comes to my town (the day before yesterday) and all that happened. What upset me was the delay in his reply last night which sounds insane and over the top but it really upset me because it immediately made me think that possibly he is returning to his old behaviour. And so I am going to be very cautious and follow what advice you gave me yesterday - I have to observe and even be cynical about this dude and be very aware of what is TALK and what is ACTIONS.

Fire&Water said...

Ah! Perfect! THANK YOU, Mirror! The "this year I plan to hit 100" or the "['complex addition']...92" - I can do those..jokey sarcasm is very 'me'. :) ...perhaps I may even pull out my phone calculator for #2 :D.
Also, I'm so glad to know there may be an ending time frame to this aggravating question! And, lastly, I will make a mental note to move any guy that asks it into the category of Suspected or Known Jerk.

Anonymous said...

I've recently been dating this guy which i knew beforehand for a few weeks, he texts me consistently and his words match his actions. We seem to really get along, and our third date is coming up on friday. My question is- he doesnt seem pushy towards sex at all, but he casually mentioned maybe for our third date he can come over and watch movies and order food..Since he has some movies ive been wanting to see but they arent in theratres anymore. But then he also mentioned he can take me out to eat. If i did give him the OK to come over would that put me in the "hookup" category? Even if i set boundaries? (no sex). Or should you just not let a guy in your apartment for months in general? Thankyou

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 15, 2:27 AM,
"should you just not let a guy in your apartment for months in general?"

Generally speaking, it wise to steer clear of any possible "compromising" situations that could lead to sex (and steer clear from sex itself) for at least a month - 30 days.

Anonymous said...


In this day and age, if you have a man offering you to take you out to eat - take him up on it and delay the house date. That is a red flag. Sadly, I feel like most men go to the house date these days -- even good guys.

@(3 months/3 dates)

If a man is slow to respond to you, the way to handle that is to determine if that is what you are looking for or not. If it presents a problem for you, you make yourself unavailable to him. You *dont* have a DTR talk and explain to him what you need. This makes you come across as needy and tells him that, when it comes you to, he dictates the terms. The DTR talk is pointless early on -- unless a man is really into you (in which case there won't be a need to have such talk) -- it puts a woman in the one down position. You don't look like you have options, you look like your trying to harangue him into a relationship and out roll the all-too common phrases like "I am really busy" or "I'm not looking for a relationship right now". (And personally, I'd give kudos to a man who could come up with something more original than "I'm busy").

Keep dating other men and put this guy on the back burner. He sounds lukewarm right now and not fully cooked. If you he isn't stepping up - and you keep throwing hints - he is going to deduct points thinking you are desparate. These men are the worse -- whether they do it subconsciously or not - they encourage you to pursue them and then judge you/write you off when you do.

Anonymous said...

Here is some food for thoughts for readers:

I do not allow men to come to my apartment early on, but I will go to theirs. Why?

Simply put - its another venue for me to make observations about them. With man #1, I noticed a lot of girly things in his apartment. It came as no shocker down the line that he was still involved with his ex. (At the time, he said the things belonged to his "sister"). With man #2, it was so dis-sheveled that it mirrored what I was seeing about the rest of life - that it was dis-sheveled. With man #3, it was all coast clear -- mildly messy, no signs of feminine life - and it made me feel a bit better about him than choices 1 and 2.

That's just my personal preference and it's come from realizing that I have prefer to use where they live as another assessment tool. Of course, other women may not prefer this approach but to each his own.

Unknown said...

For the past year I have been hanging out with an ex but it has always been me initiating the getting together. But he always says yes and seems to always enjoy hanging out when we do. I have been trying to find a way to talk to him about my feelings and getting back together but its always been me initiating the getting together part when we hang out. Its just hard to know because he always wants to when I ask him.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA & All,
About a week ago a guy asked me out. Date is supposed to be tomorrow, Friday night. Background is he's sort of an old friend ... We briefly dated as teens 20 yrs ago!

Other than him texting me his contact info I haven't heard from him since. Now that it's Thursday, I'm concerned. I realize I should have locked down where and what time originally but I didn't. So now what's the protocol? At what point do you recommend throwing in the towel (& making other plans)? Friday 1pm? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't recommend contacting him to finalize b/c that would be leading ... & if he really wants to go out with me, he'd reach out right? Any advice appreciated. Thanks!


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"About a week ago a guy asked me out. Date is supposed to be tomorrow, Friday night. Background is he's sort of an old friend ... We briefly dated as teens 20 yrs ago! Other than him texting me his contact info I haven't heard from him since."

If a man doesn't nail down firm plans for a date 3 days in advance. . .you've already made other obligations and you can't make the date. Whether you are or not - that's the response.

Because here's the thing. If you make yourself available for last minute dates, here's what tends to happen:

1) He thinks you have no life and no other male options. (Your value drops in his eyes)
2) He begins to take you for granted. (Doesn't bother making you a priority.)
3) He NEVER plans dates in advance from that point forward and instead, keeps you on a string as a backup for last minute situations. (He doesn't respect YOUR time.)

However, if you kindly turn down the date and explain that you made other plans because you didn't hear back with him on any firm plans (and suggest another date/time instead that you're available that's at least 3 days away):

1) He is instantly put on notice that "you're in demand" and you have your own life, and he may have some competition (which by the way, men secretly love - hence their love of sports).
2) He places a higher value on you. (Begins making you a priority in an attempt to win you over.)
3) He plans dates in advane from that point forward (because he now knows he has to or he won't get to see you.)

The first moves you make from day one with a man - COUNT A LOT.

They set the "tone" of how you will interact and respect one another from that day forward. If a man thinks you're a pushover, I hate to say this but it's human nature to then push. If a man thinks you're a doormat, again I hate to say this but. . .it's human nature that he'll start to wipe his feet all over you.

Setting the tone and the boundaries of how you expect to be treated from day one when dating is CRUCIAL. I can't stress that enough. Because again with human nature, if you begin to accomodate him from day one. . .from that day forward - that's what he'll expect from you.

He'll expect YOU to bend over backwards for HIM from that day forward.

So tonight - you're busy. . .but you're available next Tuesday or next Friday at 7:00PM LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

This is great advice. Almost got it. How do you get a guy to confirm PLACE when they ask you out ... without being too pushy?

FYI the guy above did contact me last night (Thursday) to see if we could reschedule for next week. He got an infection & is run down. Yeah, not a great start, but I'll give him 1 more chance. Unfortunately I didn't have the good tip yet on specifying actual day and time (rather than just day ) for my availability.... So I said 'I can do next Saturday but let's confirm time and place'. Then he gave me the 'lets touch base next wk on details.' Yep nailed it, lol.

Thanks for your help!


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"How do you get a guy to confirm PLACE when they ask you out ... without being too pushy?"

You can suggest a place when you provide your availability. If a man says, "Want to get together next Saturday?"

Your response can be along the lines of, "Sure, that sounds great. I'm available at 7 and was thinking maybe we could go to [place]. What do you think?"

That way, you're not pushing, you're simply providing suggestions and giving him an opportunity to do so as well. (And also giving a clue as to what your interests are, what you like to do, etc.)

If he responds with, "Sounds good. Lets touch base next week on details." You can respond with, "Awesome, I look forward to hearing from you then!"

Notice what's taking place there?

You're not letting him get away with putting the onus of following through on YOU, with him signaling that YOU need to touch base with HIM next week to get a date lined up.

Instead, you're bouncing the ball right back into his court - signaling to him that he needs to take the lead, make a firm decision, and follow through on it as a man should. And you're doing so through subtle psychological suggestions (persuasion) and not by direct confrontation (putting people "off").

AuthenticScorpio said...

Hi Mirror,

it’s been a while since I’ve wrote in about my coworker who I never saw in a romantic light, who is now my friend that I have feelings for (I’m 25, he’s 23). We’ve been developing a friendship for the past 9 months or so, but now due to some other issues at my job, I’m leaving the company and looking for roles elsewhere.

Over the course of our friendship, the emotional bond/trust has progressed. He’s always done the gentlemen gestures from day one. But now we’re talking on the phone every day, spend time together outside of work every day, have taken more trips together, etc. And I’ve seen some changes in him as well. He’s known as the fun loving, party guy and has recently done a lot of travel, during which I had no expectations of us staying in contact as I thought for sure he’d be too busy dancing and drinking. But he called to talk every day when he had breaks and then at night as well after the party venues. One time he even during the party to see if I’d be available to talk/catch up later that night. Even with me being on leave these past few weeks an out of the office, I still know that he’s going to call every day. There isn’t a set time but the daily consistency is there.

Anyways, the crux of my question is this: Because he knows i’m now leaving the company, I think that’s triggered a ‘loss’ in his brain, but he’s still not stepping out and sharing any romantic feelings - at this point it’s all been platonic and I know that it could in fact always be that way. All of our friends/peers think that we’re dating since we’re always together through his initiation - so a few months ago one of them pulled him aside and asked him his general thoughts on dating. And he said that he’s 23 which is too young to date, he still needs to work on himself and figure things out. And that he generally doesn’t believe in dating friends because it’s risky and you could mess up the friendship. And he’d want to take time to work on himself first before attempting something like this.

So I hear all of that, and through all the growth I’ve experienced through visiting this site, I know the right response is to believe him and let him get to a point on his own where he’s ready to pursue something like that, without me pressuring. What baffles me is that he’s already been doing basically all the “duties” of a boyfriend for all this time, but he shies away from calling it that. Neither of us is dating anyone else and we’re spending all of our time together. And I think that even though this is a friendship, because we were coworkers, he’s had “easy access” to me this whole time so he hasn’t had to experience the scarcity factor and "fight for me" in the same sense that a man would that’s not around me for 8 hours a day.

AuthenticScorpio said...


He’s likely moving to another state at the end of this year, and it’s a location that would be beneficial for me to move to as well if I wanted to. He’s said outright that we should move out there and look for a place together. This gives me pause because if he’s doing all of these boyfriend things but we’re technically just friends, it doesn’t make sense to me to move states for a “friend.” We’ve also had conversations lately that he’s sometimes an avoidant…he doesn’t tend to address things until he absolutely has to and would instead rather go do something fun.

If he acknowledged that there’s a part of him that wants something more romantically, then I would absolutely consider moving. He is an absolute gentleman who has more than proven he knows how to be caring and considerate through the course of this friendship. And I feel secure in knowing that we both care about each other otherwise we wouldn’t have grown to be this close. But as of now, I feel like me agreeing to moving would let him bypass explaining his feelings about our relationship and he’d still get what he wants, which seems to be me. I don’t know if it’s him being 23, but I suspect that he’s avoided acknowledging what this has the potential to become because we thought we’d be working together and in the same city for at least a few more years. But now he knows he doesn’t have anymore time, and he acknowledged that we’re now going to have to make an effort to hang out everyday since we will no longer be working together.

I know this is hypothetical. I know that I have romantic feelings for him however until a commitment is in place, I’m single and therefore can keep my options open and exercise them accordingly. And I’m strong enough that when my last day at the company comes, I can do nothing and continue to play the feminine role and see if that separation changes anything. But in terms of the move, living together discussion that he keeps bringing up - that’s definitely a serious move that I would only consider for a commitment, and if he doesn’t open his mouth to ask for it, then I can’t give him any guarantees no matter how many times he brings it up lol. Do you think I should tell him my reasoning for why I’d be hesitant to do that? Or should I continue to kind of smile and say “we’ll see” as Ive been doing? (last piece of backstory: we have a male and female coworker who are roommates now, and he kind of jokingly said it’s lame for a guy to room with a woman that he’s not dating. And when he said that I wanted to be like “REALLY!!?” but I decided not to go there lol).

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror!

I've dated this guy a few times now and we are quite comfortable with each other and close.

Thing is though, it stresses me out like hell when planning a date with him. That's because of the way it happens. So basically, it usually starts with him suggesting to meet lets say next Friday and then he gets in touch on Friday and starts a texting conversation that begins like a general chat and then he eventually gets to the point of asking what time I wanna meet and where and we arrange it. Only problem is......by the time we have agreed on the time and place its actually time to meet if you get what I mean. He's like 'I'm at the gym now, need another half hour, then gonna go home and shower and get the car...etc and I can meet you in two hours'. So if the date is at 9pm its 7pm by the time I KNOW when to be ready!!!

This distresses me as I really really like him and I'm excited about every date so its really stressful knowing the time and place last minute. I know that by character he is a chilled guy and he is immature as well, hanging out with his friends without planning anything in advance, just showing up at each others houses. I'm getting back from a trip this weekend and I'm the one thats supposed to get in touch to say I'm back....so I'm thinking I'll text him on Friday and tell him I'm free on Sunday....its just agonizing how I will get it to work in a way that I won't be biting my nails till Sunday evening wondering.........I know he likes me a lot and he is a nice person so I don't feel wrongly done I just think its a gap in attitudes here. Also the reason I am agonizing so much now is because I read some of your posts here and I feel as though this might be a bad sign for a relationship? How could I go about this issue? Maybe I should be relaxed for now as its early days and I shouldn't pressure?

Thank you!


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Authentic Scorpio,
"Do you think I should tell him my reasoning for why I’d be hesitant to do that? Or should I continue to kind of smile and say “we’ll see” as I've been doing?"

I wouldn't confront him about it, but the next time he brings it up, you address it. Because you're not dating this man and you have no commitment to him, you can address it as friends would during casual conversation. And you can simply inform him at that time with something like, "Yea, I've thought about that but honestly, the truth of the matter is that I'm not going to uproot my life and move several states away for someone I've got no commitment from. If things were different and we were dating and in a committed relationship, then maybe I'd consider it. But we're not dating, we're just friends, so I don't think it's wise that we live together."

But like I said, I'd save this for a time when HE brings it up again, rather than confront him with it unexpectedly. If he's as good a friend as he claims to be, he'll surely understand.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 22, 8:47 PM,
"it usually starts with him suggesting to meet lets say next Friday and then he gets in touch on Friday and starts a texting conversation that begins like a general chat and then he eventually gets to the point of asking what time I wanna meet and where and we arrange it. Only problem is......by the time we have agreed on the time and place its actually time to meet if you get what I mean."

If a man hasn't finalized plans for a date 3 days in advance - the day of the date, you've made other obligations (whether you have or not) and cannot attend. Because as you can see, once you start "accommodating" a man and his lack of planning. . .he will take you and your time for granted from that day forward. Which is why it's necessary to set firm boundaries for how you expect to be treated from day one, via your actions, not your words. You don't say it to him, you simply do not accommodate him until he "gets it." Otherwise, the more you accommodate him, the more he'll be treating you like that in the future.

So next time that happens, when he contacts you on Friday, you say something like, "Sorry, I can't tonight. I didn't hear back from you, so I made other plans. But I'm available next Friday at 7PM and we can meet at [place] at that time if you like."

That way, you're signaling several very important things to him:

1) Your time is valuable.
2) You are in demand (others want to spend time with you as well).
3) He cannot take it for granted that you'll be there waiting on him because you won't be anymore.
4) If he wants to see you, he has to be respectful of your time and make arrangements in advance, otherwise, he won't see you.

And you don't have to SAY anything to accomplish this - your ACTIONS will speak for you instead.

Because what he's doing right now is he's keeping you on a string. He's keeping you there waiting on him, he's going about his business as if he's entitled to do so, and he's giving no thought whatsoever to you or your time, which is rude. And as long as that's working for him, that's what he'll continue to do.

"its just agonizing how I will get it to work in a way that I won't be biting my nails till Sunday evening wondering"

You won't be - because if he doesn't make firm arrangements with you by say Thursday - you're not available, he won't get to see you, and you won't be left hanging on a string. You're not helpless here, you have control over your own life, ya' know? You're not required to accommodate him like this, and you're not required to sit around waiting on him. If that's not sitting well with you, then you cease doing it and going along with it and your problem is solved.

"I just think its a gap in attitudes here"

I think it's his immaturity and arrogance. Only people who are arrogant and immature are foolish enough to think they're entitled to treat others this way, and then expect everyone to accommodate them. . .as if the world revolves around them. That's a sign of immaturity and arrogance.

"I read some of your posts here and I feel as though this might be a bad sign for a relationship?"

It is - because it will be this way all the time unless something changes. And that change needs to come from YOU first. The change needs to be in your actions. You need to cease accommodating him and instead, signal when and where you can see him - and if he's not on board with that, then he's not on board and you walk. Either that - or you stay and stick around for more of his "it's all about me" show LOL.

Remember - you have control of your own life, and you are not required to bend over backwards to accommodate a man ;-)

Anonymous said...

3 months/3 dates

Hi again MOA,

I am going to try to make this a shorter message.

So to recap, he visited my city the week before last, our last contact was a week ago with texting where all was fine and since then nothing. I'm visiting his city in a couple of days as he knows and I'm supposed to get in touch IF I have time as I said to him.

I hope you remember the whole story behind all this as I have one simple question - so I'm here giving him a second chance. We both know that first time round he screwed up. So he's basically being tested now. We're supposedly taking it slow now that I still haven't moved to his city but he's talked about a serious relationship when I move down in August. We slept with each other the other week that he visited and he told me that it was more than physical. Sure enough he texted me the same day later on and kept the connection going. His texting behaviour has been good and punctual unlike in the past but with one slip where he read a message and replied 24 hours later.
But my question is - am I kidding myself here? Why is he taking it slow now and why isn't he already on this and texting me every day like a boyfriend if that is his intention? IS there a possibility of him actually being there when I move or is this all BS?? I'm seriously thinknig about not texting him at all when I visit in a couple of days and let him contact me later and wonder why I disappeared and then tell him I thought about it and we should just wait and see what happens when I move since we know the long distance thing didn't work out last time (so as to show him that theres no casual sex unless we start dating properly and having much more regular communication). That's one option and the other I'm thinking of is to go with the flow be casual and let him know I'm in town but I'm busy on Saturday going out with friends but he can join if he wants and just give him the option of the Sunday. What do you think MOA? Do I stick it out a bit longer and be cool or do I end all this now?

Thank you! :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@3 months/3 dates,
"I'm here giving him a second chance"

I understand that's your decision but I have to ask. . .how did he EARN this second chance with you? Meaning - what actions did HE take that earned him a second chance?

"Why is he taking it slow now and why isn't he already on this and texting me every day like a boyfriend if that is his intention?"

Well, I hate to say this but unfortunately. . .his actions are not proving that that IS his intention.

"IS there a possibility of him actually being there when I move or is this all BS?"

Anything's possible, but I wouldn't hold my breath for this one :-(

"I'm seriously thinking about not texting him at all when I visit in a couple of days and let him contact me"

HE should be the one contacting YOU anyway. If he's genuinely interested, as he claims he is, then that's what he'd be doing regularly already (as you've already sensed based on what you stated above).

"Do I stick it out a bit longer and be cool or do I end all this now?"

Well the choice is ultimately yours, but if it were me - I'm sorry to say I wouldn't bother putting another ounce of energy into this, because his actions are signaling that all he's doing here is seeking casual sex for himself (and saying whatever he has to say to get it). And if he continues to be able to talk his way in and out of things and he reaps benefits by doing so (receiving sex), then he'll simply continue doing it.

Listen to your gut. It'll never steer you wrong.

Anonymous said...

Aphrodite, I love the real talk you provide here! Such solid advice.

Can I get your thoughts on a situation, if you have a moment? Basically, I had a friend in college (let's call him J) who was part of a club I was in. We were both around each other often, but never hung out one on one. He asked me to dinner once, and I brought my then-boyfriend, LOL! After my bf dumped me, J heard about it and saw me separate myself from the social group during the healing process. I just went off and did my own thing and made new friends during this time period. Then, J started doing small favors for me and invited me to group events via text message. I never went to any of these events because I'm pretty shy and would rather hang out one on one with men, which now seems silly since I'm religious (as is J) and it's pretty typical to get to know a man better around a group of people.

Anyways, after graduating I moved across the country, and J sent me emails with articles I would find interesting, and he promised to call me to tell me about some trip he took. He never followed up with the phone call, and didn't respond to my chat message invitation to get together when I was back in his neck of the woods for one day.

A couple of years ago, he started "liking" my posts on social media (he can see mine, but I can't see his because I unfriended him), which he continues to do. I know, big deal--social media is meaningless, but he got my attention that way.

Recently I returned once more to the town where he lives for work related reasons. My friend took my phone, pretended to be me, and texted him saying I was in town. He seemed to respond enthusiastically--picked the place to meet, paid for my food, carried on the conversation (he was very chatty and smiley, which is odd for his personality). I had a nice time and he asked for a hug before we parted ways.

I'm moving back to that town for work-related reasons, and there's a possibility we'll see each other. I'm not going to initiate anything from here on in because, like you said, it doesn't do any good to chase after a guy. If my friend hadn't texted him pretending to be me, I would never had contacted him. What I'm asking is if I should see him again if he contacts me. Did I ruin things forever by initiating our reconnecting? He initiated however many years ago, so that's why I'm unsure.

Thank you so much for any brief comments you might have.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Anonymous July 14, 8:24 AM,
"What I'm asking is if I should see him again if he contacts me. Did I ruin things forever by initiating our reconnecting?"

That's a personal decision that's really up to you. If you're interested and he begins to pursue you/contact you and ask you to join him, you can always do so and explore this a bit more before making a firm decision about him. But I would not initiate contact with him again because you will have no way of knowing if he's joining you to simply be friendly and take you up on your offer, or if he's genuinely interested. The only way you can know if he's genuinely interested is to see if he pursues you, and then to join him if he does and explore the situation and spend a bit more time with him.

Anonymous said...

I have a question concerning this guy who likes me, I guess...he`s kind or mirroring my actions, but I`m not playing any game. I mean, if he calls me and I can`t answer, he`s taking exactly the same time I take to answer. He`s insecure and he does want the two of us to meet, but he`s expecting me to pursue him. He would tell me he`d like to go for coffee with me, but he`s waiting for me to set a date etc.
There is no way to make him man up I suppose.....He has a history of relationships with women who pursue :-)
So how can I suggest him that he should do the pursuing? I have given him all the green lights he needed, I swear!
Thank you very much for your help!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 14, 10:34 AM,
"how can I suggest him that he should do the pursuing?"

Well, you really can't suggest this. You can't control others, you can only control your reaction to them.

This is where "filtering" comes in. Instead of trying to figure out how to change him or his behavior, it's truly best to accept that dating this man - probably would not be enjoyable in the long run. Because if he's doing nothing already, if he's not lifting a finger in the early days, then there's a high likelihood that he'll do the same exact thing in a relationship. It'll be you required to do ALL the work to keep the relationship afloat and take the masculine role (leader), while he kicks back and plays the feminine role (submissive).

In the long run, dating a man like this tends to do damage to a woman's self-esteem. After a year or so, many women find themselves disappointed, confused and depleted asking questions like, "Why doesn't he seem present in this relationship?" "Why doesn't he ever go out of his way for me?" "Does he really even like me or have any feelings for me?" Which all ultimately lead to the women eventually depleting herself attempting to come up with ways to change the man - which very rarely if ever happens.

Which is why when you see this behavior from men early on - it's best honestly to just accept that the individual is who they are, and instead filter them out and let them go so that you can instead find a man that is willing to do the work required to have and maintain a healthy relationship.

Because again, you can't control others, you can only control your reaction to them.

Forever Alone said...

Dearest MOA!

I have been online dating on an app called Tinder which is more casual than an actual dating site like EHarmony or whatever. It's super popular with kids my age (I'm nearly 27). So I've been using it for a long time now, it even produced a 3-month "relationship" with an insecure, narcissistic Taurus last Spring. Anyway, I've realized that the good-looking guys that have a good job or at least are educated etc are used to girls pursuing them. I refuse to stoop to that level and so I haven't had a relationship since last Spring. A lot of people are in relationships or getting married from acquaintances I know, and I seem to be perpetually single. I don't even know if I would want to get married b/c I seem to only attract insecure jerks. Do you think I am being too picky? My standards for a first date are extremely low, and I still can't find anyone. All I want is someone I'm attracted to, and someone with an IQ over room temperature. This has resulted in me only going on one date since last Spring when I dumped the Taurus. I feel like as a Virgo I am unlucky in love and should give up on the whole thing because it only has caused me heartache and to doubt myself/beat myself up about things. Do you think finding someone attractive is too much to ask? Perhaps I should just date based on personality and then I would be more successful? By the way, I'm not one of those girls that demands that a guy be brunette and over 6'0 blahblahblah. I just want someone with a nice face, I don't even care about the body because that's fixable. Haha I sound like an absolute nutter but I honestly feel pressure from family who always make comments about certain people getting married that are my age or younger, and it makes me feel ugly and unlovable, even though I know I am neither of those things. Please help me :( At this point I think I need to just focus on myself and my career because love does not seem to be in the cards for me. I just feel like I have been improving myself all my life, and I am well-rounded and a "catch", and I am finally ready for some fun with a guy that truly loves me. I think I am repelling men away because of the LOA. I want it so bad that the universe just creates more frustration and longing b/c that's what I'm feeling inside, even though I'm good at acting cool on the outside. Thank you in advance xx

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I have written on your other posts. My guy pulled back a bit so I pulled back also and disappeared a bit which of course he began to chase and starting reaching out everyday morning, noon, and night. Hahahaha!!!!!!!!! These guys crack me up. I think I made myself too available to him and I noticed that so I have pulled back and began to be scarce. Ladies it works :) My question is we spoke about going away together a couple of weeks ago and he initially said yes but said he would confirm with me when he straightened out a work issue. He might have to be transferred to another location for a few months and he will not be able to take vacation. He said his job would let him know and he'll get back to me but he still hasn't. I want to know hey if we are still going so I can alert my job and also get ready for this trip. How do I get him to bring it up without me looking like I'm nagging him about it or like I'm the one bringing it up all the time? I mean he is the man he should be bringing it up and all. If he really wants to spend that time with me he should be the one bringing it up right Mirror?

-- Jessica

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"How do I get him to bring it up without me looking like I'm nagging him about it or like I'm the one bringing it up all the time? I mean he is the man he should be bringing it up and all. If he really wants to spend that time with me he should be the one bringing it up right Mirror?"

Truthfully, if he claims to be in need of space - then give him exactly what he's asked for, as you have been, and don't make yourself available for a weekend getaway. And by all means, do NOT sit around waiting on him. Make other plans, if he asks why tell him it's because you never heard back from him on it, and don't sweat it. If he truly wants to go away with you, he'll set firm plans in place, he'll make firm work arrangements and he'll reschedule this to take place in the next few weeks.

And if he doesn't do that, then it wasn't all that important to him in the first place.

But as it stands right now, you have NO firm plans in place, this was all just talk about maybe doing this, so don't rearrange your life around it and then permit him to keep you on a string, waiting on him. Don't rearrange your life around his "maybe" plans ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Forever Alone,
Well, regarding Tinder - I think that site is an absolute waste for anyone seeking a long lasting relationship. A large majority of men there are only seeking casual sex. You even said it yourself "more casual than an actual dating site." They really have no intention or desire for a committed relationship, so it only makes sense that you would not have success finding a relationship there.

The majority of men there don't even WANT a relationship.

So I'd scrap Tinder and get out of there because it's not really the place to seek a long lasting relationship, it tends to attract only those seeking casual flings and brief affairs. If you truly want a relationship, you need to be on the sites where the MEN actually want a relationship as well. I'd also try to socialize and mingle more in real life versus online so that you have both avenues working for you and you're not solely relying on only one. Get out and spend time with friends, because "friends of friends" are how lots of folks meet their significant others, and going out with girlfriends can always lead to meeting new people as well.

"Do you think finding someone attractive is too much to ask? Perhaps I should just date based on personality and then I would be more successful?"

In general, I believe that looks are passing. Meaning, in time they change as you grow older and in the end what counts is personality. When you're 70 and you're sitting with your mate, they are NOT going to look like they did when they were 30. And if you don't even enjoy spending time with them when their looks are gone, and you have no common interests, then you're not going to be happy. Looks are only one tenth of what truly makes a person attractive. And probably the MOST important thing out of all these things is. . .how they treat you. Because a man that might not have immediately caught your eye, but that treats you right and makes you feel special and that does nice things for you - you can fall in love with him because of that if you give him a chance.

And if you're attracting a lot of insecure men, read this piece and the next time one comes along - you'll know, and therefore, you won't be "caught up" in him:


Anonymous said...

hey Moa,
I've been talking/ dating this guy for almost 2 months now with having 3 dates in ( no sex). He consistently communicates with me and doesnt let more than 4 days pass without speaking. Our dates are great we get along so well hes polite respectul like a true gentleman. Im letting him lead as you say, but he speaks about the future of us a lot. like "what ifs" and he was speaking on meeting my family, and what he can get me for valentines day for next year on the second date! The third date we were talking about traveling, and he said maybe he can take me with him on vacation next summer. I enjoy spending time with him and seeing how this unfolds but i feel its WAY too soon to be speaking on meeting families and vacation and so i let him know like keep doing what youre doing, but im not there...yet to speaking on way into the future b/c its just the third date, but i said i would love to go out again and spend more time with him and see where it goes. Do you think he's thinking i am stringing him along? Because thats not the case. BTW- the first 2 dates were once a week, and then i left to go home to work, then our next third date was 4 weeks later, which i had no problem driving up because the baseball game he got tickets for were in that city. So even though hes consistent with his words & actions, its kinda inconsistent with dates but its probably also due to distance right now until the end of next month. Do you think it is okay for me to not have definite feelings for him yet like he has for me. Obviously there is attraction/chemistry because we made it to 3 dates, but is it okay if i sort of pace this relationship because he seems very into me which isnt bad i just want to be sure?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 24, 12:56 AM,
"Do you think he's thinking i am stringing him along?"

Well if he does - that's a big red flag that something's very wrong. Because who in their right mind expects to be planning a future together on the 3rd date? That's not even very realistic, and it's "fantasy" not "reality." If he's trying to rush things along and get you to believe that he's going to be there a year from now on only the 2nd date. . .that's a big red flag that he's probably NOT going to be. Because when people overcompensate and spend a lot of energy attempting to get you to believe they're not going to do something (like disappear on you), it generally signals that they're attempting to hide what they're actually going to do (disappear on you).

He may seem a gentleman at this point, and maybe he'll prove to be one, who knows. But lets face it, everyone is on their best behavior, or at least should be, on the first few dates. You don't start to see the other facets of their personality until a much later time, which is why the "get to know you" phase is so very important. And it's a bit suspicious that he's trying to rush right through that stage.

I wouldn't be concerned with whether or not he thinks I'm stringing HIM along. I'd be more concerned about the fact that he may be trying to string ME along with all this flowery fantasy talk to fast track me into the bedroom.

"Do you think it is okay for me to not have definite feelings for him yet like he has for me."

Well first of all, I would not believe that he actually HAS any definite feelings at this point at all. Again, this appears to be a lot of fantasy talk, and fantasy isn't real. No one can possibly have any feelings at all beyond infatuation by the 3rd date with a virtual stranger. And men in particular take longer to actually develop REAL feelings. Most men, on average, fall in love between the 3rd and 6th months. Not the 3rd and 6th dates. One women here on another article just validated this when she mentioned that a good guy she's been dating told her he loved her the 5th month they were dating, and that's actually the normal pace - not by the 3rd date.

"Obviously there is attraction/chemistry because we made it to 3 dates, but is it okay if i sort of pace this relationship because he seems very into me which isnt bad i just want to be sure?"

I think that most definitely you should pace this out. Do not permit anyone to fast track you into anything you're not ready for. He may seem a good guy at this point, but you do not know him well enough and he does not know you well enough yet to be experiencing anything other than physical attraction, maybe some sexual attraction and possibly infatuation.

But love - REAL LOVE, real feelings. . .that takes time to grow.

Because in order to truly love someone, you have to love them flaws and all. This man hasn't seen your flaws, you haven't seen his yet, and neither one of you know each other yet well at all. So just keep it all in perspective and move at a pace that YOU are comfortable with, and don't be rushed into anything you're not comfortable with.

Anonymous said...

All i can say is WOW that makes perfect sense! I 100% Agree with you. I was questioning why he would text me to say he misses me only after the second date?! I enjoy the time together but i dont MISS HIM so i didn say it back. i like things to go organically and i develop real feelings over time. and this feels kind of forced. Its been almost a week since we had that small conversation how i want to pace...and usually he initiates contact with me at least 3 times a week. So im feelin he may be "pulling back". So im not going to text him or reach out to him (nagging, chasing, etc)- i'm going to give him as much space as he needs because he's not a priority yet. MY question: how long do you think it is OKAY for a man to pull back? 1 week? 2? a month? Because i do know the more time he takes to contact (if he does) the more im going to start slowly losing interest in wanting to see him.

Eponymi said...

MOA, I think it's wonderful that you've created this place.

I have a question about a situation that's a little atypical from a dating perspective.

It took me years to really get the concept of creating space to allow the man to step into it. I was in a very long term relationship at the time, so I learned mostly from observing really great female friends puzzling over why men seemed to run from them after a certain point. When that long term relationship ended, I wound up in a disastrous relationship where I made an exception to everything I knew to be true and moved in with someone after only a few months of dating. We were both single parents. Our mutual friends were completely behind it. I needed to move and his place was being demolished, so we cut short the courting and went directly into cohabitation. Bad idea on every level. It's amazing how quickly a man takes a woman for granted once she's installed in his house if there was no tension/courting/negotiation period. All of the advice I've seen you give is true.

That last fiasco of a relationship ended a few years ago. I've been respectfully declining dates ever since. Just not willing to go through with all of the work and uncertainty. And no one really intrigued me, anyway. My response to friends trying to get me out into the dating world has been "he's going to have to walk through the front door, I'm not going out there." And so he did. In the form of an old acquaintance working on my house. I think it surprised both of us. But, so far so good. Very good.

And there's been a break - he went back to the place that he lives to work on a long scheduled project and he's coming back in a month or so to finish mine. Which got me to thinking about all of this. I want to get it right while we see where it's headed.

Here are the obvious issues: our entire communication style started as carpenter and client. We texted numerous times every day, usually about materials for the remodel. We also talked at the end of the day, usually in person, every day, to go over the work he did and make decisions about what to do next. The texts, over time, became increasingly hilarious as we got to know each other and got good at making each other laugh. And eventually about lots of different subjects in addition to runs to the lumber yard. We'd also hang out now and again and have a beer and talk late into the night.

The night before he left, he made a very sweet move. We didn't go all the way. But there's no problem with the level of attraction there. For either of us.

During this period where we're in separate places, we kept up the funny texts, though it definitely wasn't every day. They also got flirtatious. And he called, I never called him. All of that is good. And soon he'll be back to finish the work. Possibly on a number of levels. ;)

The question is probably obvious. How to keep the tension going, and allow him to be the pursuer under these circumstances? We do need to communicate every day about the work he's doing. And he's physically in my house every day. I also have kids in my house who need to eat dinner every night, so I do come home directly after work most nights to feed them, because it's the right thing to do. More often than not, he'd work until I got home.

Any ideas on how to create space/allow the man to be the pursuer when the setup is to communicate and see each other every day? Thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Any ideas on how to create space/allow the man to be the pursuer when the setup is to communicate and see each other every day?"

You're going to have to keep each separate - the work, and the romantic situation.

You can take action on the work portion because you're his client, but he needs to be the one that takes action on the romantic situation because he's the man. So with anything work related, carry on with business as usual but when it comes to the romantic stuff, let him make the moves to push that forward.

Don't change your behavior with him, and don't increase expectations because the way it's been going has worked so don't change any of that. Just take it one day at a time and see where it leads ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror of Aphrodite! I really love reading your post.
I'm basically new in these kind of things, especially because one month ago I suscribe in a site for online dating for the first time.
I met this guy who seem really nice and we have a lot in common. The only bad thing is that he lives in a different country but still we have been talking for almost the whole month.
He write me first when we talk for the first time and since then sometimes I write to him first in the day and other times he does it. We even do a Skype call like three days ago because he proposed me to do it. I enjoy it so much and I think he would want to have another one the next day but he didn't even write me anything. I saw that he was checking out my profile but he didn't say anything. I write him to say hi at a very late hour that day but he didn't answer me until yesterday almost at midnight. He didn't apologize for not answer earlier, he just said that he was busy all day but I realized that he was online in the afternoon, so he didn't reply when he saw my message at first.
Is he losing interest? Does he think I'm needed? Is there any way to get his attention back following what you are recommend in this post?
Thank you so much in advance! (:
Have a lovely day.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 28, 3:07 PM,
"Is there any way to get his attention back"

The only way a woman can know a man is genuinely interested - is to see if HE pursues HER.

You have to not do anything, and instead wait to see what he does. If he does nothing, then you have your answer. If he starts to pursue you, then you have your answer.

Either way, doing nothing is actually doing something - and it will provide you with the answer ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Moa,
I discovered your website a few months ago, when I was trying to save a relationship with a disappearing man. I couldn`t save it, I`m over it and thanks to you I`ve come a long way in `managing` relationships and myself.
I am contacting you because....I have this guy who contacted me on FB (we were friends, but never met). He sent me a message related to smthg I had posted and we kept exchanging 1-2 messages per day, long ones. Last Saturday we exchanged about 5 messages (in a couple of hours) and he started showing interest in me (questions about work, hometown etc.). I sent the last message and he didn`t reply. I was ok with that, I don`t even know if he has a girlfriend. Yesterday I sent him a picture related to one of his questions (it was really spontaneous). I know I can`t contact him anymore, but what would you suggest?
I am calm, composed and everything you teach us to be :-). But I like talking to the guy, even if only as friends. I have in mind what you`re always saying, `you can`t make somebody like/love you`...So in such cases, when you would like to build a friendship with someone, the same rules apply?
Thank you in advance for your advice!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 9, 4:57 AM,
"I know I can`t contact him anymore, but what would you suggest?"

Nothing - because the only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not, is to see if HE pursues HER. If he does not - then you have your answer. If he does, then you have your answer ;-)

And the same goes for friendship. Things cannot be one-sided in any relationship. If you're trying to form a friendship with someone who continually ignores you, is rude, doesn't respond - or whatever the case may be - then you need to listen to what those actions (or lack thereof) tell you. And when someone treats you like that, it tells you that they're not as invested as you are and that you should probably move on as a result.

Relationships are give and take - not just give, give, give OR take, take, take. If they aren't reciprocal and they're one-sided - then they're simply not meant to be.

Anonymous said...

HI mirror,
I met a new guy over the weekend whom I really like! Our chats were going in the right direction, up until the last convo when he said something semi-inappropriate.

We were joking about those candy vans - and he brought up this sexual scenario that was pretty weird and funny.

Even though on the surface it sounded like a joke, I had a feeling there was a possibility he was testing for sexual interest, so I pulled back and didn't respond.

I figured that if he was insecure, the silence would eventually eat away at him and he would be worried about the impression he made... but it's been crickets for over 2 days.

Would you have done the same - i.e. not respond and wait for him to message again? Or would you message again in a couple days?

I'm itching to reply, but don't want to give him the impression that I'm cool with talking about sex so soon, even if it's done in a joking way.

I'm hoping my silence will do the talking for me, but now I'm second guessing myself whether I should have changed the subject at the time instead of just going straight to ignoring him.

Still learning... thanks for your patience in reading my silly stories mirror!

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Would you have done the same - i.e. not respond and wait for him to message again?"

That depends on how bad the man offended me and how I felt about it. If it was highly inappropriate and seemed disrespectful, I'd go silent.

So if you felt disrespected, and as if he was trying to walk you down the "sex lane" too fast - then you did the right thing.

Anonymous said...

Love how you always give me things to think about that never occurred to me - thank you!

It was neither disrespectful nor offensive (just really weird and borderline funny)...but there was definitely some fishing going on to see if I was sexually into that scenario though.

But I think no contact for 3 days has signaled that I'm not going down that "sex lane" - and it's now safe to reply with something light and breezy.

I'll sit on it for another day and decide. Thanks again for your perspective! :)

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Hello, Mirror! Help! :-)
I`ve been in contact with this guy on FB...for the last 2 months, he started the conversation. I live abroad, he lives my home country. Everything went well until I could see he was writing less and less to finally tell me he`s life is a mess and bla bla (I hadn`t asked for anything). We continued to exchange messages, but one day he basically told me he didn`t like talking to me any more. By mistake he called me on FB and instead of fighting, we ended up laughing. He told me he would like to see me when I go back, in November and that he`s sure that we could communicate well, but this FB conversation is tiring.
My mistake all along our texting thing was that I as too familiar and he didn`t like some of my jokes. And he felt pressured apparently.
So, my question is....what should I do? Should I remind him that I exist? But you always advise us not to...
I would like to continue communicating with him, but I`m afraid he`s not looking forward to it any longer.
Thanks a million!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 15, 5:08 AM,
"what should I do? Should I remind him that I exist?"

No - it's not necessary for any woman to have to remind a man she exists because trust me - they don't forget that you do.

And if you're trying to determine if this man is genuinely interested or not, reminding him that you exist will only keep the answer to that a mystery.

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested - is to see if HE pursues HER ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you ladies!

Well I'm trying to be patient and observe... I backed off today and he did text me... But ladies... It's been a week since we got back "together" but it's been 3 months since I first met him! Do you think it's normal that he avoids calling me at every cost? My friend tells me that she thinks when a guy starts off casual and drags it on like that for so long he has no intention of progressing it and that in wasting my time. She thinks it's a burnt "card". My brother on the other hand tells me I should" play "him and not be available this weekend....

I'm confused...

Rose 88

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Do you think it's normal that he avoids calling me at every cost?"

Normal for a man who has no intention of entering into a committed relationship? Yes, that's normal. Normal for a man who wants to enter into a committed relationship with a woman he's genuinely interested in? No, that's not normal.

His actions are speaking, they're telling you something - and it's probably best that you listen to what they're telling you.

A man who is genuinely interested in a woman will pursue her. If he wants a relationship with her he will express a desire to see her, he will ask her on dates, he will make plans to be with her, he will call her, he will make time for her, and he will make her a priority and he will lead the relationship to progress forward.

If a man isn't doing those things, then his actions are signaling that he does not want a committed relationship and he's not genuinely interested :-(

I believe your brother is advising you to pull back and not to be available this weekend because he senses that you may get hurt and realizes that some distance is needed.

Anonymous said...

MOA Said "BOTTOM LINE: You want to spend time with someone that makes YOU FEEL GOOD. This guy does not know how to make a woman feel good. He throws out a ton of excuses for his poor treatment and poor behavior, he creates his own problems and then he turns around and blames the woman.

He's extremely insecure and insecure guys do not make good boyfriends, lovers or husbands. As you can see, it's always all about them and they place the burden of work on the woman's shoulders to keep the relationship going while they don't lift a finger and only place blame and make excuses for themselves"

Wow, MOA, do you know the guy I've been seeing?? LOL. What you said describes him to a TEE. I'm in the middle of "No Contact" with him and it's going great. But question for you. With the holidays coming up (and my b'day) how do I handle it IF he should send holiday/b'day greetings via phone call/text? Also (and this is a long shot given his history) what IF he sends me a gift? I have no intentions of giving him any more gifts (that's a whole other story). thanks

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 5, 4:05 PM,
"I'm in the middle of "No Contact" with him and it's going great. But question for you. With the holidays coming up (and my b'day) how do I handle it IF he should send holiday/b'day greetings via phone call/text? Also what IF he sends me a gift?"

No contact is exactly that - no contact, and no response. An individual will not feel the effects of no contact and be forced to look within themselves and their own behavior as the cause of it - if they're receiving a response. Responding only reassures the individual that you're still there, waiting on them and willing to speak to them.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA. I'm Anonymous Nov. 5, 4:05pm. - Thank YOU!! Got it!!

Anonymous said...

I'm really loving this blog. I wished I'd known about it 2 years ago. I think if I had, I would have been spared a lot of heartache. Oh well, live and learn, right? the guy I was seeing was/is a hot mess. He's the typical Player/insecure/narcissistic guy you describe in your articles. When we met, it started out promising, but then things went downhill when he started to show his true colors. Granted, I made mistakes with this one. It got to the point where I was the one to initiate communication (texts and phone calls) and make suggestions for dates. But him being the typical "Playa" he just strung me along, let me do the chasing (and I think he enjoyed it), suggested "Lazy" dates (once said he was going to take me out for coffee using a restaurant gift card that I bought for HIM. How's THAT for a LAZY date??) . Then he had nerve to say that I made him uncomfortable when I hugged and kissed him (never mind I was taking my cues about that from him. And I'll put it this way--if you wanted to get his fingerprints all you had to do was process me.) And he would ignore texts, stop texting in the middle of a conversation, he wouldn't return phone calls (and would get mad and frustrated when I mirrored his behavior). I went NC (no Contact) on him in August. Last month (October) he circles back with a "just wanted to say Hello" text message. I was going to respond to it three days later but then I thought, No, I'm not going to respond to this at all because 1. He didn't even address me in the text. so how do I even know if I was the intended recipient and 2. after over two months of not seeing or hearing from me, all he can say is "Hello" ?? How about "I haven't seen or heard from you, ARE YOU ALRIGHT??". With the holidays coming up, it will be intersting to see if he sends me any holiday greetings. If he does, I will ignore those as well. MOA, thank you for this blog and your wonderful (on point) advice. Like I said, I wish I knew about this site 2 years ago.

Anonymous said...

(Part 1) Hi Mirror, I was dating a guy for 5 months. Started June 1st. Everything was great in the beginning and the whole time really we never had an argument. He was pursuing me, calling/texting me, taking me out on dates.. told him i never been to a baseball game so he bought tickets over the summer and we went. he would ask how my test went or if i was feeling sick he'd want to see what he can do. In august i brung up a convo over the phone to him about how i think we should go our seperate ways b/c at the time he was pulling back a bit and not texting me for 6-8 days at a time. I told him i was in a place in my life where im looking for a relationship and if hes not, i wouldnt think hes a bad guy.but to just let me know where his head is at and to be honest. He said he doesnt agree we should split and hes looking for something serious too, and looking to build with me, and head on the relationship path it was just miscommunication. Anyways, after that convo i believed we were on the same path because of what he said and he backed it up with his ACTIONS. immediately after that conversation he amped up his efforts consistently, taking me out, calling more...i asked/suggested if we can start spending 2x a week together during month 4, and he made that happen, he held my hand in public, PDA, we would have 2-3 hour long conversations like the time literally flew when we were together or over the phone, we had a genuine connection and he told me like even though its kinda soon, hes glad that im in his life and i make him want to be a better guy . I went to one of his football games to show my support. we both added much positivity and happiness to eachothers life never stress. He was talking about future plans with me like going ice skating, and planning for new years. He works 5 days out the week at a sandwich shop from about 2pm-10. thats 1 minute from my apartment, everytime i go in to buy something he lets me get it for free. On wednesdays he has off and has football game at night. And saturdays he dances at bar mitzvahs so hes usually busy doing that in the evenings but start preparing in the afternoon. But hes taken off from making money from the bar mitzvahs to spend the entire day with me a few times, or he'd take the subway early to take me out to breakfast before class and before his work. or he would come to my apartment after work to hangout for a bit, and he would plan to stay for an hour but it'd wind up being 3 hours lol we just clicked so well ( we got touchy feely but no sex, i didnt want to until i had the commitment) but he was fine with that, he never ever rushed me so i knew it wasnt just for sex. He said he just wants to make me happy and he definitely was, and he said hes always happy when hes with me and im amazing. Hes told me a few times im special to him, and i have all these great qualities and im not like other girls which i know im not. Im 99% sure hes not a player, and he genuinely did/does like me. 2 weeks ago since it was 5 months dating after we spent the entire day out together doing fun activities ...we came back to my apartment and i asked him are we exclusive like bf/gf?

Anonymous said...

(part2) b/c its been 5 months and im not comfortable with just dating for ,6,7 months. At first he was all for it and he said if thats what i want, he just wants to make me happy. i said no i want u to be ina relationship because you want to also, and he said of course he wants to bc he likes me. But work takes up a lot of his time and he doesnt wanna give me a relationship where he cant give his ALL 100% because hes always tired and ina relationship he said i'd wanna see him more and its just hard. plus he said hes going into the navy next feburary to virginia (which i dont think is a for sure thing) but he said i like you alot, like if i could move in with him thatd be great. i said im in school and i cant agree im going to move in with him right now like thats crazy, but i dont know what id say a year from now. BTW hes 20 turns 21 in january and im 21. I said id rather risk my heart and if it doesnt work out then ok but at least we tried, than not try at all. and he said he thinks we should end it now, b/c he doesnt think its going to work and he doesnt want to hurt me if we invested more time. Basically he doesnt think he can deliver what i want and he doesnt wanna get caught up in something he cant do right now. Because he seemed so serious about this, i didnt accept dates from other guys starting month 4, i know not wise..but i was so sure about this. He said he'd rather me be with a guy who can give me what i need..(i never asked for much, just twice a week and phone calls sometimes) so i asked him he wants to see me with another guy? and he said NO, i dont want to imagine you hooking up with another guy. So i told him calmly but upset that i was hurt because i feel like he lied to me b/c in september we both agreed we were on the same page of what we wanted..he was doing everything right, and his actions proved that consistently..so i was very shocked when he said we should end it now and so were my friends or older adults who knew our relationship. Then he said we can be friends and that he still has me in his life and i said no i cant be friends with you b/c i have feelings for you so i cant put up a front and be buddy-buddy with you. Us building a genuine friendship was to have a very healthy relationship.

Anonymous said...

(part3)So i said since he feels like its not going to work, he can go. before he left he looked down at the floor and told me hes sorry n it wasnt his intention to lie or to hurt me, i was quiet. and then he left. I cried the whole night but not in front of him. And i know he was kind of sad also because that next day he posted on his IG the song "shes gone" by Hall & oates. And he posted another telling everyone not to call or text him hes going to play video games i guess as a distraction. hes the one that ended it though! My thing is, if he knew it wasnt going to work why did he let this go on for another month, and invest more time and money and feelings. I dont think hes bad guy, at least not to me anyways, and he does really like me and really doesnt wanna hurt me or string me along in a relationship where he cant do that right now, just the way he handled it was kinda poorly done. I never once blew up his phone, never cried and begged him to change him mind, never stopped by his work, i just let him go and started no contact that night. its been 2 weeks and neither of us have said anything. its very hard not to text him but ive healed alot and i feel stronger. I never connected with a guy like i did with him its crazy, he would tell me about his family and childhood and his dreams and goals and his best friends and everything. for 5 months it seemed like we've known eachother longer. older adults have told me that he'll be back, may take days, weeks, or months but guys never completely leave a good quality woman...Do you think he'll be back Moa?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 6, 8:22 PM,
". . .i make him want to be a better guy"

Hmm, not so sure I like the sound of that. It's like saying, "I'm not really a good guy, but you make me want to be a better one." Him signaling that he wants to be a better guy, kinda' makes it sound like that's because he's not a good one. Otherwise, why would you feel that way, ya' know? If you're a good guy, you're not going to necessarily have real heavy thoughts about needing to be a better one.

He's either doing a real good job at hiding the fact that he may not necessarily be all that great of a guy - or he's incredibly insecure and feeling like crap about himself :-(

Not quite sure what that remark means, but just tuck that one away and remember it, because I think there's something significant in that statement.

"My thing is, if he knew it wasnt going to work why did he let this go on for another month, and invest more time and money and feelings."

He may have been hoping to just be able to continue what you guys were doing, without the label of a "relationship" on it. He may have been hoping to just keep going along at the same pace.

". . .older adults have told me that he'll be back, may take days, weeks, or months but guys never completely leave a good quality woman. . .Do you think he'll be back Moa?"

Yep, most likely ;-) If he is indeed a good man, he'll resurface eventually because what happened here will weigh on his conscience, and he'll feel the need to relieve himself of any guilt he may be harboring over it. He'll take some time to think about it and process his feelings, and once he steadies himself again, he'll most likely address it at some time in the future. My guess is somewhere around the 30 day mark, possibly into 6 or 8 weeks.

In the meantime, remain confident. Don't reach out to him, let him miss you. Let him feel the silence, and let him feel the lack of your presence in his life. Because that's what's going to help him really get in touch with how he feels about you. If he misses your voice, misses seeing you, misses talking to you - these are all things that will work to your advantage in the future ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thankyou for your advice that really helped me alot . With the " i make him want to be a better guy" he said a few weeks back that he meant b/c i dont really curse all that much, and he curses alot ( i dont care), he said he doesnt want to curse alot anymore.. &he wants to make me happy. He also said he doesnt think hes a good boyfriend...when we had that defining the relationship talk, but he had plenty of relationships in the past and one that lasted almost 2 years..i dont know what really happened, but he did say he would yell at his ex b/c hes tired from work and maybe that wasnt the best way to handle it. One night when he was over i also told him" idk if anyone every told u this..but youre really a great guy" and he said "thankyou, but most ppl think im evil" or sometimes i would compliment him, and he would say" no im uglier than usual" which is not true lol . IDK if he was joking or not bc hes a funny guy and jokes alot and he was class clown in high school, but i cannot see how hes evil..at least not to me he was ALWAYS good to me. Its sucha disappointment b/c i really felt we would be great together.. but i am going to follow your advice remain confident and not reach out to him. Do you think he was expecting me to reach out to him after he broke it off with me? & b/c i didnt for 2 weeks now..do you have any insight/prediction on what he may be thinking?

Anonymous said...

I have been dating this guy for about a year now. Communication was 50/50, mutual for 6 months. After 6 months things started to be me initiating the contact with him more. Around that 6 months, he just returned from a vacation and stated that he was busy which I could understand. There would be times after that where I felt like he wasn’t interested because he wouldn’t initiate contact so I stopped. I did this at least three times up to now and it would last a week before I decide to reach out to him and say hello. Recently it was going on 2 weeks until he texted me Happy Birthday and that was it. Then the next day later on in the evening I texted him stating that it was nice hearing from him. He asked me how did I enjoy my bday I didn’t respond until the next morning saying that I relaxed. Then he blows my texts up sending me pictures of him in a suit talking about “he kill it” and showed me what he was wearing the next day and we had a full conversation talking about Menswear. Then I ended the conversation telling him good luck. The next day I had texted him a long text about how I had rough long week and told him all about what happen. He has been very good at responding to those type of messages and gives good positive responses. Then I asked him how was the interview and he responded back. I responded back saying something positive. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to by not pursuing him not initiating contact by I am still hurting and its not helping. Its not giving me any closure. Yes I have been talking to other guys but I can’t get him off my mind. Another detail that I wanted to mention that he has been laid off of work since January and has been living from house to house since August of this year so I have been there for him all this time. I have asked him every now and then if he is ok and all. Trying to be supportive. And I have been all along so I feel guilty falling back because I don’t want him to think that I am abandon him at this tough time, but what about me what happen to the good morning or how I am doing, he stop asking me. Its like I am left confused not doing anything even if I got my answer if its him not reaching out. How is this going to affect me with the next guy that I meet

Baharah said...

Hello Mirror of Aphrodite! I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts and advice on your website. What a wonderful and kind person you are to help us all ��

I wonder if you could please give me some advice? I'm a 36yr old lady who met a 40yr old man approx 5 months ago whilst out with friends. He approached me, we chatted briefly and he asked for my number which I gave to him. He contacted me and we went out on a date which I thought was fabulous. He asked me out for another date then cancelled. He continued to initiate conversation until slowly "disappearing" I never once contacted him. I've experienced this before so knew not to waste any time and that he obviously didn't click with me which is fair enough.

So approximately 5 weeks ago ( about 4.5 months since last contact ) I noticed that he'd phoned me at 2am in the morning. I messaged him 3 days later asking what he wanted. His reply was just to talk. I said believe it or not I was in my bed sleeping to which he replied sorry. I didn't respond further. So 1 week after the phone call he messages asking if I'm still single and could he take me out after all this time. I respond with a giggle asking what has changed as he said that before and I've been waiting 4.5 months. He said he was going to be honest and that his ex was still in the picture back then and that his mother had passed away 3wks ago and that it made him think and that he'd really liked me. I said I would sleep on it. I replied in the morning saying that no, I'm sorry I wouldn't go out with him. I said if he had just said about the ex that would've been cool but he didn't, he led me on to then only disappear which wasn't cool. He said he didn't want to get me involved. I said he didn't need to. He only needed to say he couldn't see me again but he chose to pretend he wanted to go out again but then vanished. He gave the speel, you won't regret it I'll make it up to you blah blah so I eventually agreed. We had our date and again had a fabulous time. He arranged another and surprise surprise cancelled but did offer to take me out another night. I responded to the cancellation but not to the offer of another night. He messaged again to apologise and I didn't respond. So he contacts me again 2 days later to say sorry again and I respond no worries. So he has messaged regularly since but not actually asked when I'm free. Well he has but what I think is the most peculiar situation. He messaged to ask if I was free next weekend as his friend and his girlfriend had booked a log cabin and invited him over for a night. He said he would ask me if I wanted to go. Wtf? I don't know him let alone his friend and girlfriend. I respond by saying thanks for the offer but I'd rather get to know you first. He replied that it was cool he understood. That was last night and I haven't heard anything from him since.

I really don't get this? Am I crazy?? He can't actually commit to a date with me/ask me when I'm free for a date (after him cancelling last one) but he can ask me away for the night with strangers! I just feel I have no idea how to date anymore or behave or respond. It's tipping me over the edge! I hope you can give me some advice Mirror. Thank you. Baharah x

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

" I really don't get this? Am I crazy?? He can't actually commit to a date with me/ask me when I'm free for a date. . .but he can ask me away for the night with strangers!"

Do you have any proof that this ex of his has actually left the picture?

I realize he said she has, but I'm not buying it. This guys availability is an issue. And his behavior is just about the same as it was the first time around - when she was in the picture. So I'm thinking that she hasn't entirely left it.

It would explain why he has to cancel at the last moment. If he's got a girlfriend and she puts her foot down and doesn't want him going out that particular evening, then he has to cancel. And the only time he can see you is when he can steal away to a secluded cabin in the woods with you. It'd keep you out of sight, and away from prying eyes, and these friends of his may be accommodating to him in this respect, particularly if they don't like his girlfriend and/or there's some history there that they're not standing by, thinking another woman might be better for him.

This sounds like a repeat of the first go-round with him, which means there's a good chance this ex of his is still hovering around or in the picture in some manner :-(

Baharah said...

Thank you so much for your response MOA, it is appreciated very much. God, that's about the only thing I haven't actually thought about believe it or not! I've labelled him in my head from he's not that into me to a raging psychopath and everything in between haha! These conversations that go on in my head, I really must stop as it's taking up all my blinking energy! All over a man I don't even know! Pathetic when you actually write it down.

So now I'm thinking when I hear from him again I just don't respond? That's about the only thing I'm good at with this dating malarkey. I have no problem ignoring them for some reason :) Thank you again for your help x

Anonymous said...

Hi All. Ok. so against my better judgment, I contacted DM (after 3 months of No Contact). I found out DM's daughter was in a serious accident (but was not badly hurt). I sent him a text early this morning to let him know I heard about the accident and was glad she is ok. I've still gotten no response. So I see he's still playing games. I'm back to No Contact.

Anonymous said...

This is a great article. It's sad to admit that this is the truth. Even in our times, men like to be the ones who conquer the girl and act like their saviors too.

I'm a slightly differente situation but I think these advices can be applied to it and to future situations. I fell in love with a co-worker some months ago, we have many things in common and we became friends... at work. I tried to invite him to the teather and to my dancing presentations and he always said no, he always had an excuse for not answering my texts (it weren't that frequent tho... like once every 15 days outside work to say something mildly useful... never just to chat, and I never asked for any explanations, he explained why he hadn't answered because he wanted to). Even with all this evidence I thought he might like me cause he always said I was hot, smart and mature and this and that and we have so much in common that I thought I might have a shot with him. Eventually he realized I was atracted to him and we talked about it, he said I was awesome but he was in love with another girl (outside the office, who he started dating some days later and was dumped almost inmediately by the girl) and that he doesn't like to date co-workers cause that tends to be a mess. We decided to be just friends and, of course, I wouldn't contact him anymore outside the office unless I had to. Little by little we fell into the same pattern of behavior we had before he rejected me, we even started to talk outside the office through texting (he even texted me during his vacations) but still he isn't that great at answering when I initiate the contact (he always has an awesome excuse for not answering..., again I never ask for explanations, he just comes to me and tells me why he didn't answer and I just smile, once I even played dumb pretending I didn't even remember the text haha).

The thing is that I know I still have hope, and that's wrong, I know it is so I've decided to get away a little from him, even at work, and stop messaging him (which, again, I don't do that often...) unless it's completely necessary. Since he's been on vacation I think I'm doing it pretty well cause we've only talked when he has texted me, I haven't initiated conversation except to congratulate him (it was his bday during this vacations) and I wanna continue like this, so I'll try to keep this article in mind and even try to extend it to person to person communication: only talk when it's necessary.

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror
I’m 23 years old and I’ve grown from an outgoing extrovert child into a sort of bi-polar woman at times I can come across a really confident and funny at others I’m shy to the point of awkwardness and I’ve only had that one boyfriend and I really don’t understand men so at times I feel like an under developed woman. I have had men interested in me but more often than not I find that they approach me in a very sexual way which confuses me as I don’t feel I portray the vibes of a woman who is open for casual relationships so because all the men who approach me come to me in this way I’ve been single for a while and can be very guarded with men especially about physical contact as in past experiences men have felt it ok to touch me inappropriately. But recently I started a course to better my job prospects and there was this guy on the course who is 21 and I didn’t notice him at the start but we did a group task where we worked together and after this class he came up to me to say a joke after this I noticed that he always sat next to me and if we were waiting in the hall way he’d find his way next to me even if he was at the opposite side to me. He started touching when he talks to me like on my arm or leg or shoulder and a couple of times he said he was tired and would rest his head on my shoulder. He would also tease me a lot. I also noticed that he always looked me in the eyes, he also teases me and blows me little kisses and although he is a little playful with the other girls in class I haven’t noted him singling them out the way he does with me like he’d always call me aside to go to lunch with him even if the others weren’t ready and once I sat next to another guy in two lessons and then at break he asked me to sit next to him in the next lesson. So I was in two minds about whether or not he liked me and if I liked him but then I started noticing that I liked sitting next to him and felt funny if he sat next to someone else. he then started calling me a nick name and sometimes he would tease me and call me mummy ( he didn’t know I was older than him he thought I was younger) and it’s around this point that I started realizing that I liked him as when he called me by that nick name it did funny things to my stomach . In any case he left the course over the holidays and told me first before the rest the group and I tried to persuade him not to but he did anyway…. And because he left and I wouldn’t see him any more I asked him to go for a drink the next week he couldn’t do it that week as he was out of the country but never tried to rearrange even though I said maybe we can go when you get back so I felt down cause I was so sure he liked me but it seemed he didn’t- then I said I wouldn’t text him again cause it would seem like I’m bugging him but in the end I had to because I needed the work he did to go towards our group assignment and he then continued the convo so we talked the next day I talked to him again and he talked but when I scrolled back on our convo history I realized I he only ever texted me about college stuff and the only time it was a normal convo I initiated it . so this freaked me out cause I thought was I making myself look desperate and maybe reading the signals wrong so I stopped texting it’s been 8 days now and nothing – so confused – do you think he liked me and did I scare him off by asking him to go out for a drink?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 13, 6:29 AM,
"I felt down cause I was so sure he liked me but it seemed he didn’t"

The ONLY way a woman can truly know if a man is genuinely interested or not -- is to see if HE pursues HER.

If you pursue a man (call him, text him first, ask him on a date, etc.) and he complies, you have no way of knowing if he's simply being polite, or if he's genuinely interested.

As a result, it's best to do NOTHING -- until the MAN does SOMETHING ;-)

Because if he takes action and follows through, then you know he's genuinely interested in getting to know you better (because he put forth the effort to do so).

"do you think he liked me"

There's no way to predict that dear. Again, the only real way to know that a man is genuinely interested in getting to know you better is to see if he pursues you.

"did I scare him off by asking him to go out for a drink?"

Again, there's no real way to know this for sure. There's no way to know if he has a girlfriend already, there's no real way to know if he's already talking to another girl for a while, there's no way to know if he's even interested in dating or anything serious. . .there's simply no way to know these things without any ACTION being taken (by the man).

He may like you, he may be interested - but he may already be speaking to another girl. Or he may not be interested in dating at all and only likes to flirt.

The only way a woman can know for sure is if the man pursues her in an effort to get to know her better ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA

I've been dating this guy for 1,5 months. Everything seemed to be going great and I thought we were both falling in love - constant communication initiated mostly by him, meeting 3 times a week, met his friends, he offered to help me move house in one month etc.

Three days ago we had arranged to meet and he cancelled on me last minute. He called and asked me if I'd set off yet and if not could we reschedule because his friend turned up unexpectedly to hang out. I was furious because it was last minute and because he didn't even invite me to join them instead. I lashed out at him about it and he seemed to want to work it out and I thought we did.

However since then he hasn't rearranged anything with me and it's the first weekend we spent apart. He continues to text me and said he wants to see me though. Last night he went to a party and sent me photos but didn't even raise the subject of why he didn't take me with him or ask to see me today. It's such a huge change in behaviour. In fact he got drunk and started texting me I want you rather than asking me how I am, where I am and when on earth he's going to see me. It's been a week since we last saw each other. (Continued)

Anonymous said...


Also last weekend I had arranged for our friends to go out altogether after a mutual request between us and he turned up late with his friends and throughout the night didn't try much with my friends. Again I got upset but I compromised and we were fine and I spent Sunday at his house. We were great and after we parted on Monday he started texting me just an hour later as he does because we've been very close and he wants to be communicating all the time because he seems to think of me all the time.

But here we are now, the messages continue but the last 4 days he's only been with friends and shows no sign of wanting to meet with me. He's pulled away very suddenly. If me one week ago saw this I would be in fits calling him to ask what's happened, I miss you, why haven't you asked me out. But now I feel he's taken such a big step back that he's not allowing me to expect anything anymore. A few days ago I thought I was his girlfriend and he just told me his mum said I'm a keeper and now I can't even ask which party he was at never mind get an invitation.

Why MOA? What do I do??


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Why MOA?"

I suspect it's because this man needs some space. This may sting a bit, but bear with me here. You stated"

"If me one week ago saw this I would be in fits calling him to ask what's happened, I miss you, why haven't you asked me out. But now I feel he's taken such a big step back that he's not allowing me to expect anything anymore."

Here's the thing -- you shouldn't have EXPECTED anything in the first place :-(

And I suspect that's how this man feels, and now that he senses there have been expectations projected onto him that he, himself, has not agreed or committed to, he's distancing himself from them a bit.

You see, you've only been casually (no commitment) dating this man for a little over a month. However, your expectations are not in line with something casual (non-committal). They're actually expectations that are associated with couples in a committed relationship. And the reality is that this man has not asked for, nor agreed to enter into, a commitment here. As a result, he doesn't have to check in regularly, he's choosing to do that of his own free will (and not out of obligation to a commitment he's made). He doesn't have to invite you to join him with friends. And he doesn't have to see you regularly.

He doesn't have to commit to these things, because he has not made any commitments to do so :-(

And I suspect that what happened here is that you somewhat assumed their was a commitment here (you referred to yourself as his girlfriend), and as a result, you began projecting commitment type expectations onto him. And when he didn't meet those expectations, you reacted with negativity. I suspect he doesn't want that type of an obligation yet, particularly if he hasn't ASKED that of you (asked you to be exclusive). So he's pulled back to put the brakes on this a bit, in an attempt to slow it down.

Because now he probably feels as if this is zipping towards a committed relationship, and it's moving too fast for him.

You see, men like to take the lead in relationships. They like to be the man. They like to lead, initiate the calls, dates, etc. and basically assume the pace of the relationship and how fast it moves. Men tend to enter into relationships a lot slower than women (unless they're insecure, in which case they'll fast track you into one at a pace that YOU are not comfortable with).

I suspect this man feels he's lost control of the pace of this relationship, and him distancing himself is most likely his attempt to get the pace at which is progresses back into his control. Back into a pace that HE is comfortable with. You have to be mindful when dating of the others needs as well as your own. While you may feel comfortable moving at this pace, HE may NOT. And if that's the case, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't mean he doesn't like you. It's only been a short 6 weeks and this may simply be too fast for him is all. He may feel as if he's losing his say in how fast this relationship progresses. And not only that, he may also feel that you're not taking his needs into consideration, and he may feel unheard. So he's decided to take control back of how he spends his free time once again, because he has not agreed to any commitments otherwise, ya' know?

All relationships go through their ups and downs - even budding relationships that aren't fully committed.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No one, and no relationship, EVER keeps up the incredibly attentive pace that's established at the very early beginnings. After a while, all relationships fall into their own "groove" which is usually a pace that's slower and more cemented over time. As well, did you know that men do not "feel" their emotions as women do? Women tend to "feel" during times of togetherness, whereas men tend to "feel" their emotions more during times of absence. And when someone is all "up in their face" for lack of a better phrase (not you, just speaking generally here), they feel smothered and it makes them very confused -- because they don't have the space or absence periods to touch base with how they feel or the emotions they may be experiencing. As a result, they will pull back and CREATE that space they need to determine how they feel.

And during that absence, what they're waiting to find out is - do they miss the woman? Do they long to hear her voice or see her face? Do they have an urge to contact her, or see her again? Do they long for her? (Men associate "longing" with love.) And if the answers to those questions are "yes" then they know they have feelings for the woman. If the answers to those questions are no, and they're enjoying life more without the woman, then regretfully they now know they don't have real feelings for the woman.

Either way - men NEED that SPACE to check in with their feelings and process them. And if a woman will not wilingly give it to them, then they will simply TAKE it.

"What do I do?"

Absolutely nothing.

The only way a woman can know that a man is genuinely interested in her is to see if HE pursues HER. That's the only way. If a woman continues to pressure a man and project expectations onto him that he has not yet asked for or agreed to, he will bolt on her and disappear. Because she's proving to him that HIS NEEDS are not what matters, they are not taken into consideration, and it's her OWN NEEDS that she's really intending to have fulfilled above all else.

And as we know - all HEALTHY relationships are built on a foundation of equal give and take.

When things are unbalanced and not equal, the relationship can become co-dependent and dysfunctional. Healthy relationships are equal give and take. Where both parties fulfill one anothers needs in a reciprocal manner.

Right now this man is signaling to you that he needs space.

He's signaling to you that he's feeling a bit pressured, and he needs some space to check in with his feelings and take back control of how he spends his free time until he's made a commitment to do otherwise. If you grant him this space, and you do nothing and do not "expect" anything from him, chances are he'll feel safe enough to return to it in a week or two. And by "do nothing" I mean don't contact him, don't call him don't text him, don't ask him his wherabouts, don't ask to see him, etc. Instead, stand strong and remain confident and continue living your own life. Don't invest 100% of yourself into this just yet. He has not asked for that. So in the meantime, you show him that you're confident and you have your own life as well. You have your own friends to spend time with, your own activities that you enjoy doing, and that others demand YOUR time just as others are demanding his right now.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

When a man can see that a woman can live without him -- it's very intoxicating to them. It signals "confidence" and "independence." He will place a very high "value" on a woman like that.

However, when a man can see that a woman will make her entire existence about him and that HE is soley responsible for HER happiness, and she has no friends to spend time with and cannot participate in any activities on her own, and there's no one else that demands her time - he will view her as "insecure" and "co-dependent" (her happiness DEPENDS on HIM and ONLY HIM). And he will place a low "value" on a woman like that.

So all you have to do is not be the low value woman ;-)

All you have to do is remain confident and 100% independent at this time. And I suspect that if you do that, he will see that you're able to stand on your own two feet, with or without him, and all of the "pressure" he may currently be feeling will dissipate, permitting him to feel "safe" enough to return (without more being expected from him than he's currently agreed to).

That's it - all you have to do is keep living your life right now for yourself ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
Here's one for you. I met a guy on a dating app just before Christmas. Communication with him has been regular although he never replies straight away. I'm probably waiting about half a day for a reply each day (this will become more relevant later on). Last week Monday he asked me out on a date and this happened last Thursday. We had a great date. Conversation flowed, I was attracted to him. When the bill arrived (it was £35 each for drinks only) I offered to split the bill (to be polite) which to my surprise he accepted. Since he asked for the date and picked the venue, I was kind of expecting him to pay. We shared a kiss afterwards and he sent me a follow up message saying thank you, he'd had fun and to let him know I got home safe. We've been messaging since but he is still taking at least half a day to reply to me each time which is stinting the conversation somewhat. That coupled with splitting the bill makes me query whether he is just not that into me? Are these early warning signs or am I being paranoid? It's worth noting since we are now conversing on Whatsapp rather than the dating app, it appears he's just not online that much anyway but even still he will read my messages and then wait a good 5 hours on average before replying. A confused fan! X

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 25, 5:54 AM,
"That coupled with splitting the bill makes me query whether he is just not that into me?"

Well, the real thing this signals is his UNWILLINGNESS to make efforts to treat a woman special by providing for her, in an attempt to impress her.

When a man doesn't put his best foot forward on the first date, he's showing you that he never will. And that has nothing to do with you - it's a reflection of his character as a man.

Gentlemen pay for dates, and when they enter the dating world, they're prepared to do so -- because it makes them happy, and makes them feel like men. I wrote this piece on that very topic here:


A man who isn't willing to go out of his way for you on a first date, really doesn't qualify for a second one. He's probably doing this with every woman he dates. When you treat dating like a sport and you don't take it seriously and you're on a dating marathon with 3 different dates a week - it gets expensive.

So when men do this they're signaling to you that they're either unwilling to impress a woman, which is a man you don't want to date anyway OR they're signaling that they date a LOT, and it's expensive.

You split bills with your buddies. And when these guys date like this, they don't realize that they're not creating romantic feelings in the woman. The guy feels more like a "buddy" than a real romantic prospect.

Way to "friend zone" yourselves there guys LOL ;-)

"Are these early warning signs or am I being paranoid?"

Early warning signs of a man that's either dating left and right and it's expensive, or a man that's unwilling to treat a woman special, like a lady - which is a man you don't want to date anyway.

"he's just not online that much anyway but even still he will read my messages and then wait a good 5 hours on average before replying."

That could be a game, and most likely is. If it happens on occasion that's one thing - stuff happens. But when you start to see a pattern of behavior developing that's consistent over time -- it's deliberate.

And it's meant to bring your insecurities to the surface so that you'll think he's not interested or you're not good enough -- so that YOU begin to pursue HIM. This places all of the "work" to keep the relationship afloat onto YOUR shoulders, while he sits back and does nothing and plays it cool.

It's a power play and it signals insecurity in the man playing that game (he doesn't feel confident to lead in the masculine role, his lack of leadership on his first date also shows this).

And you NEVER want to date a overly insecure individuals:


They will deplete you, exhaust you, and have you thinking YOU are the one with issues in no time :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I've been dating a guy for a couple of weeks. We met online and we've had two great dates. First time we just had drinks, second time we went for dinner. Both times we had a little smooch. We've text daily since we first matched, however, he has this annoying habit of reading my replies almost straight away and then not replying for 5-7 hours! When he does reply, he'll have plenty to say and keep the conversation going. If it was happening once or twice I would let it go but it's every single time we have an exchange apart from if it's in relation to a date we have planned then he'll be very responsive as it's normally time critical. In his defense, he is not often on WhatsApp in between exchanges. So here's my question for you...do I just need to relax and have faith in the process? Or, should I deem this unacceptable? I want to follow your advice and be a high value dater but I can't tell if this is me being too demanding or a big fat red flag? I'm exercising a little bit of behavioural mirroring and also leaving substantial gaps before replying. PS, I did raise this after our last date by saying I wasn't sure if he was interested and he said he must have done something to make me feel that way so I mentioned that he takes ages to reply and he said he can't use his phone at work and he is a rubbish texter. But then he's also text me when he's been at work before so I don't know if he's lying and he's just treating me like an option? What's the best way to manage this situation? Merci!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mon, Feb 1, 6:49 AM,
"he has this annoying habit of reading my replies almost straight away and then not replying for 5-7 hours! I mentioned that he takes ages to reply and he said he can't use his phone at work and he is a rubbish texter."

Are you starting these conversations with him? Or is he starting a conversation with you and then taking all day to continue it?

Because if you're initiating these conversations, you shouldn't be doing that at this early stage. Instead, you should be gauging this man's interest in you by letting HIM take the lead and contact YOU - with you being the one responding to HIS CONTACTS.

If that's the case, cease being the one to initiate contact and instead, let him take the lead. Not only is this the way a woman knows a man is interested in her (by letting HIM take the lead and contact HER), but it also provides him the opportunity to hold conversations and participate in them when he's able to if work is the issue, which it very well may be.

I'm sure it's possible to sneak a text at work once in a while, during a break or something. But that doesn't mean he's permitted to be texting and distracted by device conversations when he's being paid to be working.

The only way a woman can know if a man is interested - is to see if HE pursues HER ;-)

And if he's the one starting these conversations that he's unable to finish, and he's doing this regularly, that's a bit rude. Once in a while, I can see that happening. Life takes place and not everyone walks around with their phone attached to their hip. I'm one of them. My phone is not my lifeline as hard as that may be to believe in this day and age. And 90% of the communications that people have on them are pretty unimportant. As a result, I don't see keeping my phone by my side as a matter of life and death. However, I also don't go around starting conversations with people that I cannot participate in. Because it would be rude to capture their attention and then bail on them for 7 hours.

So if that's the case, and he's the one starting these conversations that he cannot participate in, that's rude behavior. And if he's doing this regularly and a pattern is starting to develop, it would appear deliberate. Why start a conversation with someone all the time that you know you won't be around to finish?

In that case, it would be a red flag.

Anonymous said...

It's me anon from Feb 1! He is very much initiating the conversations. After the dates for example I will never text him, I wait for his reply. I'm only asking questions where it's relevant to the conversation. But mirror perfect example, yesterday he replied to an ongoing conversation 24 hours after I sent my text!! He apologized for his absence, saying he had to save his battery and ended the message saying, "what are you up to this week? I want to see you." So question is...does this man need to be taught a lesson or two? Do I "no contact him" for 3 days? Or shall I continue behavioural mirroring and reply 24 hours later? PS, He's still not active on whatsapp, but he has been active on the dating app where we met. That's fine, I'm not expecting monogamy after two dates but it's making me anxious that me not replying will make him look elsewhere. But I guess that's just my insecurities talking, right? ;)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 2, 11:07 AM,
"He is very much initiating the conversations. . .he replied to an ongoing conversation 24 hours. . .he apologized, saying he had to save his battery"

Save his battery - for what? Is he on a deserted island without electricity and a phone charger? Nah - I ain't buying that.

". .he has been active on the dating app where we met."

Well then that most likely explains his disappearing acts via text - he's busy chatting up several woman, and probably dragging out his contacts with each in the same manner he's doing with you.

Hit one up at 8am, she gets back to him, he doesn't respond because the one he hit up last night and never responded to is still waiting for a response. Then after he responds to her, while the other from 8am is now waiting, another woman who he last spoke to at 2am is waiting for a response, so then he gets back to her. But now it's time to respond to the 8am woman (because several hours have passed while he's busy maintaining his "rotation" of women), so he responds hours later, but now the woman from 2am is responding again, so he's reading that - oh, and in the meantime there's work to do, so gotta' make time for that too. Now back to responding again, there are now 4 on the "waiting list". . .

See where I'm going with this?

Stringing several women along by "e-maintaining" them in conversations that he's dragging out all day long (because he can't give any one of them too much of his attention, or he might lose his options with the remaining ones).

At this point, this appears to be a game of sorts in that he's most likely got a "rotation" of women going on, and multiple conversations (none of which are incredibly deep or long) taking place at once all day, that he's meeting on the dating site.

"I'm not expecting monogamy after two dates but it's making me anxious that me not replying will make him look elsewhere."

But - he's looking elsewhere already anyway dear.

That's why he's on a dating site (and why he probably needs to "save his battery" - so he can at least respond a few times to each throughout the day without eating it up, unable to respond to any because he had too long of a conversation with one of them).

He's going to continue looking elsewhere whether you respond or not :-(

And when you're on a dating site, you have to expect that. Until a man asks you for exclusivity, you're single - and you should mingle. Because you can be assured that's what most of the men there are doing. (They're not committed to anyone, so they continue exploring their options, even after meeting someone nice.)

So rather than be concerned that you not replying will make him look elsewhere - be more concerned about whether or not this is a man that's even worth taking seriously. Is he taking you seriously? Is he devoting time to you? Is he making you a priority? Is he giving you lots of attention? Is he making you feel special, with some special treatment?

At this time, I think it's safe to say - no - he is not.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

As a result, you don't make any hefty investments of time, energy, worry or anxiety into him. If he's not taking you seriously at this time, then you don't need to worry about taking him seriously.

If he's not concerned with the fact that you might lose interest because he takes forever to give you his attention and respond - then I see no reason whatsoever for you to be concerned that he may lose interest if you don't respond immediately.

If he does move on, what difference would it make anyway?

It's not like you'd be losing anything incredibly valuable. . .because he's not doing anything incredibly special for you. Truthfully - he's barely lifting a finger for you at all at this point.

He's responding when it's convenient for HIM - he's not giving any thought to the fact that YOU may not like it and, as a result, move on and away from HIM.

So don't worry about a man that isn't worrying about you. And ask yourself, "Is this even a man that's even worth dating anyway?"

Consider what you're receiving here from him. Nothing really. So don't fret over the possibility that you might lose - nothing ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I hope you can give me some opinions on my situation…

Well I and my boyfriend just began our relationship around a month… (we kissed only, no sex) He is so busy at work and most of the time we communicate through texts… usually we text each other ard 3 times a week, both of us do initiate text 50/50. (Coz I haven't seen your article before!!)

Last Monday he made his time to have lunch with me near his work place, we met for 2 hours and both of us got to leave and go back to work… but we had a good time. Then he texted me in the evening that he just got a break from work, and I texted him back "I started to miss you when you left…" (I was on-line texting with someone else so I could see and reply his text soon) He replied "thx". (Though I was hoping he would reply like "I miss you too"…)

Questions: Should I ever tell my boyfriend I miss him? Or I have to avoid doing so at such early stage of our relationship?

On the next day in our text conversation, again I mentioned "the time we met yesterday was too short, it just made me miss you even more…" he replied me with "haha" and agreed we should meet longer next time, after that he said he had to go to sleep as he was very tired… I didn't say anything else but wished him a good night. He had no reply then. And he didn't send me any messages till today… and I just saw your article telling girls should not initiate texts… so I didn't text him too.

More questions… Did I make a big mistake? Is he now considering I am desperate and started to lose interest in me? Anything I can do right now? I am also wondering why he seems started being "polite" in the last two text conversations since our lunch meeting… (as he would flirt with me sometimes) Did I do anything wrong during the lunch to make him lost interest in me? Or is it due to my "I miss you" messages?

Mirror, I am really confusing and I do need your opinions please…

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 18, 10:32 AM,
"Questions: Should I ever tell my boyfriend I miss him? Or I have to avoid doing so at such early stage of our relationship?"

If you've done so and you don't get the response you had hoped for in return. it's best to "mirror" his behavior after that. So for instance, you wouldn't tell him that again, until he says the same to you. And once he says "I miss you," you then "mirror" that same exact behavior by responding back and telling him you miss him.

So in otherwords, you don't say or do anything for him, that he's not saying or doing for you first.

That tends to keep "balance" in the relationship and within yourself, so you're not investing more than he is into the relationship.

I feel he senses that you're developing emotions for him, however, he may not be at the same place himself right now. As a result, it's best not to make him feel "pressured" in any way by continuing to tell him these things and sharing your emotions. . .until HE starts to share HIS with you ;-)

Anonymous said...

hey MOA-
sucha long story but ill try to make it short. so long story short i was dating a guy for 5 months last year everything was perfect we werent bf & gf yet, but we were heading there because we MUTUALLY agreed that we wanted something serious. October comes and i simply say im ready to be in a relationship etc (I know now i shouldnt have brought it up) and he basically says he wants to be with me but time was hard, he was "busy" and he was going in the navy come januarary so he didnt want to hurt me so he ended things. of course i was shocked and upset, cried that night when he left, but i got over it and i havent been in contact with him or reached out in the entire 5 months. I really have been great. Occasionally/rarely i go in this eatery place he works at but only because im going in there for food not for him.But everytime i go in he gives me everything for free. last week on monday he texts me (SHOCKING) basically saying how i dont have to pay for food when i go in there because he still feels bad of how things ended etc. n then we wind up getting into this semi long convo thru text and hes not going into the navy, and he deeply regrets ending things, because he knows he made a mistake by letting an amazing woman like me slip away. and if he could take back that night in october he would bc it kills him everyday. and he still has feelings for me. Long story short i give him a SECOND chance. because i feel like theres unfinished business, but i feel like hes taking me for granted and this is WEEK ONE. we were suppose to meet up wednesday at 5 after he got out of work. and i never recieved a text, bc his brother supposedly got "jumped" but i feel like i got semi stood up and its rude he couldnt take 5 seconds to let me know. he said hell have to "raincheck" that date, long story short its been 8 days already with 0 attempt to reschedule, or see me so his ACTIONS are proving hes still not serious. so i call him n tell him thats not going to work with me bc its rude, and this is a warning, i just said im going to give you another chance so ill stick to it. so he apologizes and says he'll try his best to prove himself. then he asks if ill be up later i said yes, so he sed hes going to call me. He NEVER calls.so thats when i started pulling back and being less available. then he texts me "hey" the next day and we have a boring convo with his last text didnt deem a response so i didnt reply. he then texts me "hey" the next night i say "hey whatsup " n then he ignores my text, and iknow he ignored it because he was on social media (he doesnt know i know his social media account) and then texts me the NEXT NIGHT saying " my fault i dipped last night" when i know he checks his phone in the morning, or early afternoon before work and this isnt the first time he ignored my text ( i was responding to his text last week, and i asked a question and he ignores it) Ive never initiated contact only that time i asked whatsup?? when he basically stood me up.) so then i dont respond at all. he texts me wednesday "hey" and i dont respond. because i feel im being taken for granted when he should be on his best behavior bc im giving him a Second chance. so now im instilling "no contact" because im not happy and losing interest bc hes showing none .really. so my question : do i respond to if he asks "whats wrong"? or wait for him to say "can we talk/ i need to talk to you" OR should i just walk away and stick to no contact forever. because if we do talk itll just be me saying this isnt working for me. and ending things because my needs arent getting met, and im not happy in this situation, and his words and actions arent matching...at all. and if it didnt work a second try, then its not meant to be.

Lady said...

Hi very interesting and helpful

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sun, Mar 20, 3:58 PM,
"so my question : do i respond to if he asks "whats wrong"? or wait for him to say "can we talk/ i need to talk to you" OR should i just walk away and stick to no contact forever."

The choice is yours - but remember - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again. . .and expecting different results ;-)

"im not happy in this situation"

There's your answer right there. If a man isn't making you happy, then there's no reason to continue speaking to, or seeing that man - at all. "Talking" to him isn't going to change who he is. You either have to accept a man for who he is, or determine he's a man that isn't capable of making you happy - and then proceed accordingly.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror of Aphrodite , This is an excellent article, just like all your other articles!! I hope you'll read this comment because I wanted to ask you something... My ex has reappeared again after I haven't heard from him for over 7 (!) months. He emailed me to say 'hello' and emailed me 'hello' repeatedly. After 2 weeks of ignoring, I gave in and wrote 'hi' back to see what he wants I suppose. He just asked me then how I'm doing. I replied very briefly and in return asked how he is? And got a short reply back and some blabbing about the weather. OK so this went back and forth (3 times or so and one of those times he added an 'X' - kiss - to his name but I ignored it and didn't send one back - I felt like he didn't deserve a 'kiss' because he doesn't act like he is REALLY interested??).

In the end he wrote me an email that didn't deem a response because all he said was that he would be working in his backyard some (I asked him that question when he asked me that question first) & that he can't lie down in the sunshine all day (I'm not sure, but to me this sounded like he was implying that I don't do anything all day but to lie down all day long!?!)

I never responded to that email but now I haven't heard from him anymore and I'm feeling anxious and upset as if I've done something 'wrong' to him. But I think I did right by not sending him an 'X' back, don't you think? He won't even come see me and he never even seems to want to discuss what has happened, and on top of that: an email that seems short (he didn't even ask me anything to keep the conversation going) doesn't deserve a reply?????

I felt like he was bored of emailing and I didn't want to seem like I'm boring myself so that's why I just stopped and didn't respond to his one-liner anymore :/. Did I do the right thing? Or did I give him the impression now that I don't want contact?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 19, 9:51 AM,
"I never responded to that email but now I haven't heard from him anymore and I'm feeling anxious and upset as if I've done something 'wrong' to him."

Why does it matter that you haven't heard from him again - when prior to this, you hadn't heard from him in 7 months and you were doing fine?

"I think I did right by not sending him an 'X' back, don't you think?"

I really don't think those things matter to men and I don't believe they pay all that much attention to them.

"Did I do the right thing?"

Yes, you did the right thing. He's not investing much of himself here, and he's hardly investing into even just general conversation at all. To me, this feels like a little stunt of sorts. Feels like he just got curious, circled back around to see if you're still there, if you'd still talk to him - and when he got the reassurance that you were still there and you would still talk to him. . .that was enough for him, he felt better, and he moved along.

This happens often. And when it does, you can't read into it too much. Sometimes the man is just curious, sometimes he's just bored, sometimes he's just testing the waters, sometimes he's just staying in touch and keeping the door open as an "option" for himself. Either way - you can't read into it too much when it's just mundane conversation like this.

If he's got nothing important to say - he's not important to talk to dear.

All he's doing is intruding into your life once again and setting you off course. You were doing well and now that he's done this, he has now caused negative feelings of anxiety and worry and self-doubt.

When a man doesn't make you feel good about yourself, and doesn't make you happy or provide positive feelings. . .he's not worth talking to. When a man causes you nothing but negativity and anxiety, worry and self-doubt. . .he's not a man worth speaking to.

You've let him test the waters. You gave him chance to talk to you by finally responding to him - and he had absolutely nothing to say. I would not give him anymore chances dear. He's lucky he even had THIS chance and he blew it.

Anonymous said...

Thank you SO much for your reply, Mirror (Anonymous May 19, 9:51 AM). You're so right, he blew the chance with how he acted... I wish NC would have made me feel better but I didn't feel good during the 7 months of NC either, it's such a struggle. Anyway, I'm moving forward and the good thing is that I'll be leaving this city within a couple of months which means I can leave him behind once and for all. Thanks again!!!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

btw, I thought this article is interesting because to me it confirmed what you're always saying about the role of men and women :) http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3600648/Success-speed-dating-determined-GENES-likely-bag-second-date-dominant-man-submissive-woman.html

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 21, 12:52 AM,
That's a great study they conducted in the article you shared - thanks for sharing that.

This portion of the findings is very significant:

"Women who had genes which made them more dominant, and men with genes that made them more submissive, were more likely to get the cold shoulder."

Mother nature has programmed us to align with gender roles and respond to them in certain ways for a reason. Why we insist on attempting to break them and redesign our roles, I will never understand.

And based on what's taking place in modern day dating -- it's plain to see that our insistence to do this simply is NOT working.

Man leads, woman submits. It's really that simple.

And understand that when a woman submits, she is not powerless. Her power actually lies in her femininity. She has the power of choice, and she has power in her feminine ways to influence. If a man responds positively to your femininity, you have the power of choice to follow his lead, or walk away from it. And if you decide to follow it, you have the power of influence on the man you're with ;-)

Embrace your femininity - it's where you POWER lies.

Trying to take the dominant role and control the situation actually renders you POWERLESS - because you're giving up your femininity.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
I've been reading these latest comments on this great post and as I have just started dating someone, it's all very pertinent. I'm curious to know what you think of this one though. I've not been in a sexual relationship since my divorce. I've dated but they've not got anywhere so far, they've actually become more like friends. Anyway, I was out a few weeks ago with one of these guys and we got chatting to a guy sitting close by. He was a very interesting guy with great work and hobbies and we all got on great and although I was supposed to be moving on later to another part of town to a party we all just hung out together. I'm a mum with teenagers by the way. We had a great night even went to his and then out again, he took care of everything, was really cool and fun. He is a little older than me, but said he took cocaine very occasionally which me and my friend never do. Anyway, I didn't think he would be the kind of guy for me and I even said I could introduce him to some nice girls I know as he said he can never get a third date for some reason. But he got in touch a few days later and invited me for a mid week date at a great place. He's an incredibly interesting and stimulating person who I really enjoyed a vast amounts of topics with. We kissed. It felt good. We definitely had a connection. We went our separate ways even though he invited me back I declined. After this date I kind of wrote him off a bit and didn't answer his text. Then I texted him briefly about something and he asked me for another date. I thought a lot about it and agreed thinking I could just get to know him better. We had a really great date an amazing evening and he invited me back where he said he could order me a taxi back as we don't live too far from eachother. I went, things got hot, I was surprised at how at ease I felt with him as I am definitely not a girl who sleeps with guys. We composed ourselves though and I didn't feel any pressure from him. He was charming and I felt very affectionate towards him. He's a great guy from what I've seen and is divorced too, no kids. He paid for everything and sorted my taxi home. We've been in touch very briefly by text, nothing really, I'm not one for texting guys. I'm at a stage I could just forget him and or state we could just get to know eachother without getting physical. I'm scared to get involved. Maybe I should just forget him and save myself any potential future agony. It's happening too fast and I need to step back I'm not going to go to his place again to avoid that happening even though I actually like him I want to keep check on my emotions and see what kind of a guy he really is especially re the occasional drug use. Am I going about this all wrong, mirror?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 22, 7:03 AM,
"Am I going about this all wrong, mirror?"

If recreational drug use is not something that you participate in, and is something that you foresee as a future potential problem - then I wouldn't bother becoming emotionally involved.

To each his own in life, as long as you're not hurting others. If that's what he chooses to do in his spare time, then so be it I suppose. Because remember, we cannot change or control others, we can only change and control ourselves and our responses to them. But if you foresee this as an issue because your living a different lifestyle from him, then it's probably best not to become more deeply involved.

I'm not advocating drug use here, I'm simply saying it's not your job to try and change an individual. You have to either accept them for who they are, warts and all, or you have to decide that they're not a good fit for you and move on and away from them. Because the reality is that we cannot change those who do not want to change themselves.

So don't take that, or him, on as a "project" of sorts - thinking that some love and affection can show this man "the way."

Because it won't. He is who he is. You either have to accept him as such, or simply decide he's not a good match for you. And if you decide that this is not a lifestyle that would mesh with yours, then the best thing to do is to move on. If you date him, and he's out one night and you find out he's been partying -- if this is a situation that you can then see yourself becoming upset over, and possibly even taking to "mothering" him on it in an attempt to get him to change and move away from that lifestyle - don't bother moving forward with him.

Men do not have romantic feelings for their mother, so you never want to do that with a man. Nor are individuals going to change because someone ELSE thinks it's what's best for them. They're only going to do that if THEY think it's what's best for them.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, mirror. I have no intention to change anyone, I just need to decide if this occasional drug use is a deal breaker and it is in reality. I am a sensible person with children, I love to have fun but I don't know enough about his habits and hell, he may even have a health condition as a result of previous drug use! I know no one is perfect, but that is not something I think I can take on board.

Well he may not even get in touch again and it will save me the explanation, but if he does, I think I'm just going to have to be straight up with him. Should I stay friends? He's such a nice interesting guy and I have a strong will power so I can resist any moves to deepen the friendship and would just get the hell out. How can I tell him all this now when things were going so well?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 23, 1:21 PM,
"How can I tell him all this now when things were going so well?"

I wouldn't reach out or offer that unless he contacts you. And if he contacts you and you decide you want to be his friend, I'd accept any invitations he offers - and then I'd explain my stance on the situation face-to-face during that date.

Because if you do this via text, he may be hurt and unable to see the emotions on your face to determine that you truly do want to remain friends (and you're not just blowing him off and being nice about it).

I'd just tell him that you thought about it, and with your children and whatnot involved, you can't be bringing anything like that into your life or theirs. However, you do really enjoy your time with him and you'd like to get to know him better as a friend, if he's open to that, and continue spending time together as friends.

He may or may not respond positively to that, but you spoke your truth, showed him respect in doing so face-to-face, and offered friendship. The choice will then be his.

Anonymous said...

Just one man's opinion, but the instant I detect a woman playing games I move on to another. It's just not worth dealing with a manipulative woman.

Anonymous said...

Completely understand the gender roles you are talking about and am embarrassed to say I think I may have made this mistake! Some advise would be appreciated. I have entered into a purely sexual relationship with a man I met a couple of months ago. We spent one evening together (with my boyfriend) a first for me but not for him. He seemed to find the idea of "broadening my outlook and desires for sex" a major turn on and was desperate to see us again. We did not have sex. Since then we have been texting (alot) I assumed that there were no rules as there was never a question of entering into a romantic relationship and so we have spoken back and fourth for the last couple of months. He has openly spoken about himself and his life as well as engaging in sexual conversations. He previously wanted to set a date for our next "liason" but I put it off as my boyfriend and I needed to discuss it further and he seemed happy to give us the time a d didnt pressure us at all. Now finally my partner and I are ready to do it so I (excitedly) rushed to my phone the next day to let our friend know. He seemed very interested at first asking if my boyfriend really meant it and if I thought he would go through with it. Then I think I made the mistake of being overly sexual as I told him that my boyfriend was completely sure and had even said to tell him that he wanted him to F*** me when I became his wife also (something he has hinted at previously, long story) anyway his response to this was a simple "haha;)" so now I'm thinking that I came across as desperate and have lost his interest...do you have any advice for me? Really appreciate it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 12, 9:48 AM,
"do you have any advice for me? Really appreciate it."

Don't do it. It will ultimately slowly chip away at your relationship with your fiance. Particularly if he was previously conflicted about it. Those feelings will resurface when the situation becomes "real" -- and then emotional "fallout" will ensue.

I suspect this other man wisely already knows this, has probably even experienced it before, and as a result he has possibly changed his mind. These situations tend to create very complex feelings and emotions in all involved. What seems like harmless fun at first deal unforeseen consequences to be dealt with later on down the line (emotional ones).

If you love your fiance and he loves you, it's best to PROTECT that special relationship by not permitting anything or anyone to come between you and placing it at risk.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for responding to my comment. I must say I am surprised at your advice to totally reject the idea. Do you not think there is a place for exploring sex within a committed relationship? If I told you it was my Fiances fantasy and not my own which had sparked this encounter off in the first place would you think that made a difference? He has slowly persuaded me to think more open mindedly about his fantasy of seeing me with another man over years of being together. Its something which has never left him, a fantasy which I finally came to accept and understand. What surprised me was how I came to enjoy the idea after meeting this stranger. I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else, not because I have any romantic interest in this other man, but because he has experience of this and made me feel so comfortable on that first night we spent together. I have been through so many different emotions regarding my fiancee fantasy, from being offended to being terrified at the idea of the actual physical act. I feel I have now opened this door within our relationship and wad ready to explore this. Do you think it is entirely implausible that we could explore this together without it affecting his feelings for me? I understand my other half completely (not that it hasn't been a process) it is the other man I am struggling to communicate with, I don't know if I have lost his attention now or if I have made a mistake I the way I have conducted myself, in that I now seem desperate or easy. Its so difficult to cultivate any relationship through text messaging! I really do value your opinion on the matter. Maybe you could elaborate now that I have given you some context? x

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 13, 7:56 AM,
"Do you not think there is a place for exploring sex within a committed relationship?"

Exploring with each other - yes. Exploring with 3rd parties - no, personally I don't believe in that when you're in a committed relationship. It goes against what a commitment stands for. The definition of "commitment" is:

"an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action; a promise to be loyal to someone or something."

"If I told you it was my Fiances fantasy and not my own which had sparked this encounter off in the first place would you think that made a difference?"

No, it would not. I've seen couples in that very same situation before. I've actually personally known three couples who have done this. And ultimately, it tore them over time. In one situation, the wife ended up leaving the husband for the other man. In another situation, the one who wanted it (the wife) ended up bursting into tears in the middle of it, running out of the room - the relationship was over a week later. And in the third situation, the man ended up leaving his girlfriend for the woman who was the third party. There are unforeseen emotional responses, feelings and consequences for actions like this in many cases. No one can predict how they're going to feel once it becomes real. Sometimes the other cannot stop playing those images in their head. Images that at first, they thought they liked, but in the end became images that haunted them. Sometimes one individual becomes very insecure (about their performance, their looks, whether or not the other individual was better than them, whether or not their lover was developing feelings for the 3rd party, etc.) It can become a very complex situation.

To each his own. Everyone is free to do as they please. And I'm sure there are folks out there that have had success with this as a couple. But as for me personally, I believe that a commitment is exactly that -- an obligation and a promise to enter into a situation with each other that nothing, and no one, should come between.

"Do you think it is entirely implausible that we could explore this together without it affecting his feelings for me?"

There's no way to predict how he'll feel after he sees what he wants to see. There's no way to predict whether or not those images will haunt him and hurt him, or whether or not he'll become insecure (and feel this other man is better than him, or that you're developing feelings for this other man, etc.), and there's no way to predict how you'll feel weeks or months later either.

All I know for a fact is that human emotions are very fragile things. And negative feelings like insecurity, anxiety, jealousy, worry, fear, etc. all have a way of working themselves into relationships. Even when a 3rd party isn't involved. Throw a 3rd party into the mix and to me, it just seems like you increase the chances of these feelings surfacing at some point over time ten fold.

Right now, this is a FANTASY for your fiance. But once it becomes REAL, then it is real. And he will have real emotions about it. He will have real feelings about it. It will no longer be something he only thought of. It will then be something REAL THAT HE HAS TO LIVE WITH. And that's a whole other ballgame. Our emotions can even surprise ourselves at times and we can react to things in ways we never thought we would once they're sparked. And there's simply no way to predict how he'll respond to this emotionally once it's become real and is no longer a fantasy. And the fact that he was once conflicted over this, and how he may feel, is a sign that he DOES understand that his emotions could surprise him and he could possibly become jealous or insecure, etc. That's likely why he was undecided about it for a while.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Personally, I just feel that true love is hard to find. And once you find it, it needs to be valued highly, handled with great care and protected dearly. True love that's everlasting is RARE these days. And when hearts are handled carelessly, that very special thing is placed at risk. Many people have a hard time even being friends after being intimately involved or having dated and broken up. Trying to navigate all of the complex emotions of a situation like this is a task that not everyone is up for. Both parties would have to be very confident, incredibly emotionally stable, and slightly detached emotionally to navigate the complexity successfully. It's very difficult for people to control their emotions as humans as it is. Add the challenges that a situation like this creates and. . .that's a tall order for two people to successfully manage.

But as I stated previously, to each his own. Everyone is free to do as they please. The final decision is yours and yours alone. Just think it through first thoroughly is all. It's easy to think about the positive things that may result, but you can't be naive and not also think through anything negative that could potentially result as well, ya' know? Good and bad happen all the time, and tend to run hand in hand. So yes, positive things will likely take place, and yes, positive feelings will also likely take place. But with the good comes the bad as well. So you have to be realistic and at least prepare yourself for the fact that negative feelings will also likely take place, too. And in these situations, that's usually after the fact (because it takes a while for people to process their emotions and how they actually feel about certain things after they take place).

So you have to be prepared for the good and the bad, the positive and the negative. They may or may not happen, but you should at least think it through and be prepared for the possibility.

And maybe others reading here have had their own experiences with situations such as this. If that's the case folks, and you have something to add to this discussion, please feel free to comment anonymously and jump into the conversation. I do not have any personal experience with this, so I can only speak to what I've seen with others, and not what I've experienced myself.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Anybody who would like to add their opinion/experience on this subject, feel free. @Mirror So you know; I have taken your advice on board. My fiance and I find this conversation quite easy to talk about and we are lucky to be able to speak honestly to each other. I have encouraged him to wait and think further on the subject and although he seemed a little disappointed, I think that would be a good idea. I realise that you do not believe it to be a good idea to go through with it but if we do decide to meet this man in the future, I could do with some help on keep his interest via text. That was my original question, as I am struggling with the fact that I may have been overly keen and want to come across as "submissive and virginal" as per your article suggests. The thing is I am naturally submissive and very shy naturally (though this may not be obvious in the context!) but the medium of text allows you to come across alot more confidently than maybe you actually are. I think he preferred the idea of me being more of a shy and retiring type who he can "educate". How do you think I get back to that, or is it too late and have I said too much?
Thanks again for your opinion, it is insightful. x

Anonymous said...

This is all some of the worst advice I have ever read. Play these games if you want to then wonder why he ghosts you.

If a guy texts you and play that bullshit make him wait game, youll be lucky to get a response if you do that every time.

If you never initiate and start a conversation, then hell take it as you are not into him and move on. This is aimed more for needy women. When a guy is really into you, hell be waiting by his phone, he wont make you wait any longer then it takes to read your text.

I swear this is just all around horrible advice. With the ease of dating apps trust me, if you like him and he likes you there is no need to play these bullshit teenager games. If a guy texts you and you write back before he even puts his phone down, guess what. You just got promoted. Eventually if you dont call him or text him first you will get ghosted.

listening to bullshit like might as well be titled "how to get yourself ghosted by a guy". Because if you never hit him up you might as well be one.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male, Aug 15, 10:17 AM,
"If a guy texts you and play that bullshit make him wait game, youll be lucky to get a response if you do that every time."

Did you even read this article?

"When a guy is really into you, hell be waiting by his phone"

Waiting by his phone - like a woman, you mean??? When a guy really likes you, HE SHOULD BE CALLING YOU. He should take the masculine lead (initiator, leader). What you're suggesting here is the complete OPPOSITE of that. . .you're suggesting that a woman should take your role, the masculine role, and that men should slip into the feminine (submissive) role.

Newsflash - women are attracted to MASCULINE men, not FEMININE men. Women want a leader.

"This is aimed more for needy women."

Yes, what you're suggesting IS aimed at needy women. You're implying that a woman needs to take the masculine role and then IMMEDIATELY DESPERATELY JUMP onto any and all communications from the man so that she can be "PROMOTED:"

"If a guy texts you and you write back before he even puts his phone down, guess what. You just got promoted."

Talk about needy. That's PATHETIC behavior - from a man or a woman. Like some stranger that gave you two minutes of their time is SO IMPORTANT that you need to drop everything and respond immediately like a desperate fool. And for what? To be "promoted" in some COMPLETE STRANGER'S dating rotation??? Not only that, but you're mere mention of a "promotion" signals that you're in the feminine role - and that you feel WOMEN need to take the lead and IMPRESS YOU like they're friggin' interviewing for some grand position with you.

I don't know about you, but in my world - MEN ARE MEN. They are leaders, they are initiators, they take the masculine role and they go after what they want. They don't sit around like a bunch of women desperately waiting for a woman to ring them up, and they don't site around "interviewing" women and expecting them to drop everything and perform like circus monkey's so they're "promoted' to a top spot in some random strange dude's dating rotation.

The men I know would NOT EVEN BE IMPRESSED or ATTRACTED TO that kind of desperate behavior in a woman. Because any woman who acts like that is showing you that she's desperate, she's needy, and she'll become a doormat just to receive a crumb of some random dude's attention.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you date like this as a man. . .the only type of woman you're going to attract - ARE DESPERATE, NEEDY WOMEN. A woman who is confident and knows her value would NEVER stoop to that type of foolish behavior. . .nor would a man who knows his value and is confident. You're a man -- do you jump onto the communications of every single woman who hits you up before she can even put the phone down so that you're promoted?

I doubt it -- because you know you'd be acting a fool if you did. Yet that's your advice to women reading here "act a fool and you'll be promoted."

Yea, you'll be promoted alright - to "doormat" status. You'll be used for sex and then quickly discarded because the man you're dealing with isn't going to have a single ounce of respect for you if you act like a damn desperate fool for his attention.

"if you like him and he likes you there is no need to play these bullshit teenager games."

This isn't about game playing. This is about remaining in your God given gender role - masculine (leading, initiating) versus feminine (submissive). Man leads, woman submits. That's not a game. That happens to be how we're all biologically wired.

"Eventually if you dont call him or text him first you will get ghosted."

So in your world -- does the MAN DO ANYTHING AT ALL? Or does he just take the feminine passive submissive role and lay around waiting for women to ring his phone, jump on his texts, throw themselves at him. . .and hope to be "promoted?" And what difference does it make if some strange man who cannot lift a finger for you ghosts on you anyway? Is he really a man that a woman wants to date anyway? No - he isn't. He isn't much of a man at all, because he's sitting around acting like a woman.

Not only that - he's going to ghost the woman eventually anyway? Why? Because he's not going to have an ounce of respect for her after she begins acting like a desperate fool chasing him down all the time. He's not going to have any attraction for her - and he will only view her as an object to be used sexually. So that's what he'll do, and then he'll ghost.

"listening to bullshit like might as well be titled "how to get yourself ghosted by a guy". Because if you never hit him up you might as well be one."

DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF? "Because if you never hit him up you might as well be one" So. . .you believe that the MAN SHOULD TAKE THE FEMININE SUBMISSIVE ROLE??? That's what you're saying here. You're saying that the man never hits the woman up, and that if a woman acts like that - she might as well be the man.


Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Masculine energy is leading energy. Feminine energy is submissive energy. You're sitting here believing that the man should be passive and submissive, and the woman should be aggressive and leading.

That is COMPLETELY BACKWARDS. And if you continue to believe that, you're going to have a slew of short lived flings and brief 2-3 month affairs and nothing more. Why? Because eventually the woman is going to expect you to BE THE MAN - AND MAN THE EFF UP.

And if you're sitting around acting feminine and doing nothing - she's going to find it very difficult to maintain respect for you as a man. And once she loses respect for you as a man, her attraction for you is going to diminish.

I don't think this site is the place for you. Go back to the PUA (pick up artist) community you blew in here from and keep swallowing all the crap about women and dating they're feeding you there.

They'll have you feeling like a woman in no time -- hell, they already got you THINKING LIKE ONE LOL.

This was the most ASTOUNDING thing I've read in a long time. And as for me personally, I would NEVER date a man that doesn't want to actually BE THE MAN, exhibit masculine energy, and take the lead role.

Those are the very things that ARE IMPRESSIVE about men to women -- without them, there is no attraction.

Thanks for the laugh though, this was uhhh. . .really hysterical.

Meririn said...

nice blog post :) i try to do this.
i'm writing with a guy for 2 weeks now. the first 3 days we wrote a lot. he said he wants to meet me and do a lot of things (bbq, camping etc.). my failure was i replied as soon he wrote and he did the same. but soon it become less and less and i did make another mistake. i got angry and wrote that. he apologized and me too. last weekend he didn't reply. so i wrote on monday"long time no see. how are you?`
he replied. now he replies once or twice a day. but no more "we should do that and that" but he wrote once he was looking forward to meet me.

I'm thinking about not contacting a few days. what do you think?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I'm thinking about not contacting a few days. what do you think?"

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if he pursues her. He clearly knows you're interested.

I wouldn't initiate anymore contact at this time, and when he does - I would "mirror" his behavior to keep things fair and balanced (so you're not investing more of yourself into this than he is).

If he only responds once or twice daily, then it's absolutely fair for you to mimic that pace and proceed in the same manner (as it seems to be the pace he's now comfortable with).

Anonymous said...

Great post, Mirror !!!
( August 15, 2016 at 2:20 PM )

Joy said...

Mirror of Aphrodite - I used to follow your threads.a few years back and have even commented a couple of times. It took me awhile to learn how to respect myself and see my worth. I am happy to report that I have been in the best relationship of my 34 years of life going on 2 years. And guess what....i never called him, asked him out on a date, cooked for him, asked him to spend time with me or any of the other things us ladies do to get a man's attention. He consistently pursued me even when I gave him the cold shoulder. At one point he mentioned having sex with me and I calmly responded back saying that he is free to go out and have sex with whoever he pleases but it won't be me. He told me later on that my nonchalant attitude is what made him really interested in getting to know me. Fast forward to now, we've been living together for almost a year. His parents came in town to visit a couple of months ago and it went great. He's been asking some weird questions and acting extra excited so I think he will be popping 'the question' very soon! Once you truly know your worth and stick to your standards your dating experience will do a complete 180. Steve Harvey once said that if a man is really interesting in a woman there is nothing she can do to keep him away and that is true. We all live but we don't all learn so please learn from your mistakes and errors and see your life turn around for the better.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I am happy to report that I have been in the best relationship of my 34 years of life going on 2 years. And guess what....i never called him, asked him out on a date, cooked for him, asked him to spend time with me or any of the other things us ladies do to get a man's attention. He consistently pursued me even when I gave him the cold shoulder. . . .He told me later on that my nonchalant attitude is what made him really interested in getting to know me."

And there you go ladies - be DIFFERENT, and BE YOURSELF.

The more you bend to accommodate someone, the less they're able to respect you. I suspect this is because, psychologically speaking, they sense you don't respect yourself -- so it's hard for others to develop a healthy respect for you in return.

And when you're different - you're intriguing.

Lots of women are jumping through hoops and chasing because men are signaling to women that this is what's expected of them, so this is what will work to garner their interest.

It will work -- to have sex with them (which is the main goal for a lot of these men inviting women to do this, so them the man, yea it works and is considered a success).

It will NOT work to have them develop a respect for you, find you "different" and intriguing, and take you seriously as someone with long term potential.

And if you're smart - and you hear a man signaling that you should "do more" to experience success with him - ASK HIM WHY HE'S NOT WITH ANYONE THEN. If chasing and bending works, and that's what he'd like you to believe, then ask him why he's still single.

Because by his own logic - if chasing him and accommodating him endlessly actually works -- then why is he NOT in a relationship with any of the women who've done it?

(Because it doesn't work, that's why ;-)

A man is either genuinely interested or he's not. And when he's not, he'll disrespect you, disappear on you, stand you up and use you for sex.

A man who's genuinely interested will do NONE of the above to you.

shamrock2228 said...

I'm only a few yrs late, but I have a question. He will text and call nonstop, and when we do connect, it's an amazing high....but then he disappears for awhile. He has a very demanding career, and his next text(a week or 2 later) says he's been really busy and he actually tells me in detail what he's been working on. Knowing that men are supposed to do the chasing, how long should I wait to reply to his text ? I absolutely hate games, but they seem necessary.... and I've NEVER chased a guy. If nothing ever comes of this, the one thing I would like to hold onto is our friendship. I am closer to him in that way than I've ever been with anyone. Thanks in advance!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Knowing that men are supposed to do the chasing, how long should I wait to reply to his text?"

Right now, this sounds very casual - casually dating. There are not commitments or obligations in place here, therefore, it's okay to treat him like a friend more or less at this point. Which means, you can respond casually - when it's convenient for you, and when you feel as if you're ready to give him some of your attention. That can be hours later, a day later, a few days later, or a week later. The choice is yours and will likely change from day to day, situation to situation.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror

Lets say if my ex DM actually brought me out for a nice meal during my birthday a couple of months back (we r friends now), do u tink I shld also return the courtesy and treat him back on his birthday? Not sure if he will get the wrong idea that by doing that I am still interested in him. Any advice?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 9, 3:21 AM,
". .if my ex DM actually brought me out for a nice meal during my birthday a couple of months back (we r friends now), do u think I should also return the courtesy and treat him back on his birthday?"

No - he's a disappearing man.

If you'd like to acknowledge his birthday and wish him well, that'd be about as far as I'd take it. I would not take the lead and take this man on a date though.

Bendu320 said...

Hello Mirror,

I met a man on New Year day at a social event. He give me his card and I texted him when the ball drop and wished him a happy New year. He had to leave the event but later called me to see if I was still at the event. I said yes and he came back to the event to talk to me. At the event they have all you can drink champagne. With that been said he and I kissed that night because I was in such a relaxed mood.(the kiss was very nice). He quickly started texting me and calling me. And started telling me about his family and his life. I asked him to slow it down a littler becaue I felt that things were moving a little to fast for me. He agree and continued to text me everyday morning and at night. Since I asked that we start off as friends and see where things end up. his attitude change. He now only text me ones every two day and never calls me. When I text him to find out what happen he said I will have to make the next move. He is not trying to pursue me any longer. He's leaving things up to me. I tried asking him what he thought I meant when I said let's slow things down and get to know each other before we start to bring our children into it. (He and I are both single parents)
As a 40 something years old woman who have not dated in a few years I thought that getting to know each other as friends and building into some all falls under the same title. Judging by his behavior after I said it I guess it's not.

I think that he's a great man he was a little aggressive at first with how he thought things was going to go but was also very understanding when I spoke to him about how I was feeling. Burn his behavior has changed so drastically I'm not show what is happening. I feel like I made have hurt his feelings by slowing things down so that I could breath. I'm not sure what's happening when I asked him what was happening is he done he stop responding to my text message. I know that means he is but I don't want it to be I want for him to communicate so we can talk about it. It's been three days since I've heard from him. Should I text him back? Was I wrong for asking him to slow down so I can get to know him. Even though thing started off with kissing.

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