"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags

Let’s face it, women provide men with a lot of excuses. It reminds me of an old tune “Up On Cripple Creek” by The Band. In that instance, the lyrics of the song identify that it’s a woman making excuses for her drunken man:

“Up on Cripple Creek, she sends me. If I spring a leak, she mends me. I don’t have to speak, she defends me. A drunkard’s dream, if I ever did see one.”

When it comes to dating, one of the big excuses for a man’s bad behavior that I hear often is, “I think he’s just intimidated by me.” I also hear, “He likes me, he just doesn’t want to admit it.” Wrong. He is not into you.

Men are simple creatures, ladies, and quite honestly, they are not that difficult to figure out (i.e. they wave relationship red flags you need to pick up on). They don’t have the complex range of emotions that women have and when they communicate amongst themselves, it’s very basic communication at best.

Women bring a lot of emotional turmoil and heartache onto themselves by throwing logic out the window and attempting to tune into a man using their emotions instead. Basic logic is what men use when communicating, not emotion. So why are you using emotions to decipher logic?

That’s like trying to listen to the radio – via the television remote control. In order to tune into an FM station, you need a radio receiver – not a remote control. Logic and common sense is your radio receiver, ladies. Emotion and the television’s remote control will do you no good here.

So when dating, don’t throw your common sense out the window. It’s your greatest, most valuable, asset. Let’s cut through all the background “noise” and get straight to the point - let’s listen to the music.

Signs That He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags

He Wants A Relationship Right Away: Big relationship red flag. He’s “fast tracking” you – into the bedroom. The speed with which he appeared, is the speed with which he’ll disappear.

You’re Calling Him: If he really likes you, he’ll call you. He’ll make time for you and he’ll want to beat out other men by making his presence known. If he’s not calling you, it’s because he’s avoiding you. Don’t make a fool of yourself by trying to convince him to date you. It appears desperate to men. The more you call, the less attracted to you he will be (but he will still sleep with you first).

You've Been Dating For Months, Yet No "L" Word: If it's been 6 months or more, that's because he's not feeling anything for you and he probably never will.

He Takes Days, Weeks or Hours To Respond To Calls And Texts: You’re not high on his list of priorities.

He Disappears: Big red flag. He’s definitely not that into you. A guy who really likes a girl would NEVER even consider doing this for fear he’d lose her.

You’re Asking Him Out: If HE’S not asking YOU out, it’s because he doesn’t want to spend time with you. Men go after what they desire. Period – case closed. NEVER initiate a date – EVER. You’ll never know where you stand with him and he’ll never respect you completely. Become the aggressor and you’ll have a 3 week affair, but never a relationship.

He’s Offering A Burger When You Deserve A Steak: If he’s taking you to casual dining places rather than romantic tables covered in white linens, he doesn’t value you. Times are tough, I get that. But at least once or twice a month, he should be treating you like something of value.

You’ve Met Online, But He’s Never Asked Your Last Name: That’s because he doesn’t care who you are. Your name could be Knarly Marley and it wouldn’t matter because it’s the face and the body, not the person inside, that he’s focused on. You might as well be a blow up doll.

He’s Not Paying For Anything: He’s an opportunist looking for his next victim. He doesn’t value you and never will. He’s a bum. No respectable man lets a woman pick up the tab – EVER. Providing for a woman is what makes a man feel like a man.

He’s Aggressive About Sex: He doesn’t care to know who you are, but is dying to know what you look like naked.

His Text Or Email Conversations Are Usually No More Than 5 Words In Length: He’s being polite by responding, but he doesn’t really care. This is especially true in online dating. If he can’t converse with you prior to meeting you, he won’t bother much while you’re sitting across the table from him either - but he will still ask to see your apartment after dinner.

The Ex Comes Up Often: He’s hung up and he’s not over it. His heart is elsewhere and he’s emotionally unavailable. If the ex comes up often, you leave immediately or it’ll only be a matter of time before he’s comparing the two of you in his head – and you’ll never live up to his glorified memories of her.

You’re Performing Great Acts of Kindness While He Does Nothing: He’s taking advantage of you and probably referring to you as his cleaning lady to his buds. No man expects a woman he respects and admires to act like a servant. So stop doing laundry, running errands, baking cookies, cooking meals and cleaning his apartment.

He Hides His Phone: Because there are things in there he doesn’t want you to see. He’s communicating with other women, exchanging porn with friends, dealing drugs, stockpiling naked pictures of his exes or is a CIA operative. Any way you slice it, he’s not letting you in.

He’s Late All The Time: He’s being disrespectful and signaling that HIS time is priority, not YOURS. He’s also signaling that he doesn’t care about the consequences of upsetting you.

He Went To An Important Event Without Inviting You: He doesn’t see you as part of his lifestyle. You’re on the fringes, you’re not on the inside.

His Actions Don’t Match His Words: He’s a player and he’s playing you via mental manipulation. He’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear – and then doing whatever the hell he wants.

He Refers To Himself As A Player: He’s warning you that he’s in it for fun and games, not long term commitment. A man who wants to be with you long term will NEVER want you to think this of him. But a man who doesn’t care about you, will want you to think he’s a real catch – so you’ll sleep with him to see what all the fuss is about.

He Can’t Commit To Plans More Than 24 Hours In Advance: He’s waiting for something better to do and you’re playing second fiddle. A guy who really likes you will want to take up your days and evenings so that no other man can.

When You’re Speaking, He’s Gawking In Other Directions: He’s tuning you out because what you have to say holds no value to him. He’s biding his time and going through the motions until the evening progresses – and he can then get “down to business” with you.

He Repeats Things He’s Already Told You Over And Over Again: He doesn’t remember anything he’s already told you because he’s running schtick on you. He’s been on loads of dates and he doesn’t remember who with. This is his game and he’s like a record stuck on repeat going through the motions.

He Won’t Give You A Drawer At His Place: If you’ve been spending lots of overnight stays there and this doesn’t eventually happen, it’s because he has no plans of you being there long term.

He Leaves The Room To Take Calls: He’s speaking to people you wouldn’t approve of and that he never intends to inform you of.

He’s Gone Before 9AM: If he’s spending the night and regularly leaves early in the morning rather than taking you to breakfast or spending the afternoon with you – you’re a booty call and/or friend with benefits.

He Avoids Eye Contact Or Sits Slightly Turned Away From You: He’s distancing himself from you because he has no real intention of ever “letting you in” or becoming emotionally intimate with you. But that doesn’t mean he won’t have sex with you.

He Just Wants To Be Friends: Translation – he doesn’t want a relationship - with you.

He Doesn’t Remember Important Things: If he forgets your birthday or a date you’ve made previously, it’s because you’re not important to him. However ladies, don’t expect him to remember the day you met, or the date of your first date, etc. We’re talking important events here.

You’ve Never Met His Friends Or Family: If it’s been 6 months and still nothing, he’s not going to make you a part of his life.

He Only Calls Late At Night Or When He’s Drunk: He’s looking for a “situation” not a relationship.

He’s All Over You In Private, But Acts Like He’s Your Buddy In Public: You’re a friend with benefits.

He Closes His Internet Browser When You Enter The Room: We all know why this happens.

He Openly Admits He Hates Things You Love: He could care less about the things you care about. Basically, this signals he doesn’t care about YOU.

He Chooses Time With Friends Over Time With You: You’re providing a nice distraction for him when there’s nothing better to do but he’ll never make you first on the list.

He Makes Promises He Doesn’t Keep: Because you’re not that important to him and he doesn’t care enough about you to be worried if you’ll leave when he breaks them.

He Doesn’t Defend Your Honor: He has no respect for you and doesn’t feel he’s responsible for protecting you.

He Laughs At You, Not With You: He doesn’t care if he hurts your feelings and probably never will.

He Makes No Future Plans With You: That’s because when he peers into the future, he doesn’t see you there, standing beside him.

He Shows No Interest In Things or People You Love: He simply does not care about the things that are important to you or what makes you tick.

You Constantly Wonder, Is He Into Me? This is a sure fire way to know . . . that he’s not. Listen to your gut, Ladies.

It's Only Common Sense

This isn't rocket science, it's common sense. Notice what all of the things above indicate? They all generally point to his lack of interest, his lack of care and they’re an indication that there’s no future.

Logic tells us this. Don’t use your emotions to try to read anything else into it. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck – it’s a duck, Ladies.

Quack, quack, quack.

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Anonymous said...

This is a fantastic list of red flags! I've ignored some of these in the past and i've had to pay dearly for it. I'll be bookmarking this page and paying more attention in the future. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much. I have been doing things and well,now I know what do. Whether he comes back or not..it's okay. just reading all this, I feel stronger! I am not reaching out to him anymore. He gets no more tears!

Anonymous said...

Well, i read this post and found it very interesting as well as useful to read. Would love to thank you for posting these online though.

Anonymous said...

true my friend has a guy who acts like this

Garima Yadav said...

thanks a ton... reading this is helping me so much and answering my questions- just when and how i become the desperate one or the doormat!!!!

Anonymous said...

So how do I makd him interested?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

How do you make him interested? Well first you need to ask yourself - is he worth it? Do you really want a man who behaves as listed above interested anyway?

Because men who behave like this really don't respect women all that much and they won't cease the bad behavior simply because one is in their life.

When a guy treats you like this and he's not interested - honestly, there's no magic spell or magic behavior that can make him interested. All you can do is make him notice you. And if you want him to notice you, call him out on his bad behavior. Let him know you're onto him. But don't be mean about it and don't do it like your interested, do it in a joking manner, like you're one of the guys and your included in the "inner circle of bad boy behavior." Joke and laugh with him about all the pranks he's pulling. At the very least, he'll notice and think you're cool.

But you can't make someone love you, you can't make someone care for you. Sometimes, you just have to accept it.

Anonymous said...

I met a guy 2 weeks ago went on a date we connected. Didnt have sex He made plans for the future.Told me he wants to take it slow. I texted him a few days later hi how you been he didn't response is he not into me?

sweetd1985 said...

I met a guy 2 weeks ago went on one date we connected. We didnt have sex.He was talking plans of the future. Told me he wants to take it slow. I waited a few days tex him said hi how you doing no response. Does that mean he's not into when he spoke to me alot before?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, he may have been into you . . but when you text him, you may have scared him away. Read this piece here:


Anonymous said...

He was very much into me, but I made one nasty remark and later apologized. He pulled back and then disappeared. I'm only human.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, that may have been due to the fact that in that instant, where you let the nasty remark fly, you were running off your emotions. And emotions scare men. They don't understand them, because they don't have them to the depth that women do, and to men, they appear as weakness, which is unattractive to them.

We're all only human, and yes, we all make mistakes. If he truly likes you, he'll return. And when he does, pull back a little bit, dont' jump. Give him some space and he'll slowly come around.

Anonymous said...

So I have a question... I slept with a guy way too soon, and we've been dating for a few weeks... but now I realize that I don't feel ready to sleep with him. I want more time to build other parts of the relationship... So I still want to date him but I want to go back a few steps physicially. What do I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You kick it down a few notches is all. You don't have a "talk" with him about it. You don't tell him that you're backing the relationship down a notch - you just do it. If you tell him and share your emotions with him, he may react in a negative manner.

So what you do is, if things start to heat up, you simply jump up and turn on the TV or something. Or you check your cellphone. Or you say you have to go. Or you say that you're not feeling well. Whatever you have to do or say to keep things from progressing, that's what you do.

But if you try to have a "talk" with him about this and you begin sharing emotions and explaining why you're doing this or that, he may run. Men don't do well with emotions. Therefore, he doesn't need to be told. You simply need to deflect things when they're progressing is all, until you're ready.

Anonymous said...

I became friends with a man 2 years ago. There was an mutual attraction but as he was in a long term relationship with a sweet foreign girl I ignored it. She is 13 years younger we are in our forties. She doesn't socialise and when she isn't working she stays at home she has very few friends and doesn't seem interested in making any. Anyway we became closer and he has made it clear he would like to take it further. After a couple of close encounters I made it clear I wasn't interested in being his friend with benefits and pointed out that he already had a housekeeper with benefits. He reckons they have an open relationship, she has acknowledged that he fancies me and tells me that I'm like a god to him but he doesn't want to be with a strong woman. Anyway at the start I took all this in my stride and enjoyed stringing him along he renovated my house and continued to call always wanting to help. I enjoyed his company always holding back we socialised a lot and his friends always commented we were like a couple. I became quite annoyed at this and pointed out he was in a relationship. His brother said no it was more of an arrangement. Anyway after months of being told by others that he was in love with me and people making remarks when I was out I lost my cool and asked him to keep away( I had already spoke to him on a few occasions and told him he acted available but he was not and he wanted people to think that there was more going on) he took it badly and was upset when people mentioned my name. I didn't contact him for 6 weeks(apparently he wanted to ring me but didn't know what to say) anyway I rang him a few weeks ago and apologised if I upset him but told him I was angry because I felt he was using me because he was bored at home. He was delighted to hear from me but all he could say was " what do you want me to do". I said just understand why I was annoyed. Last week I had a date with someone else and when he saw us he walked out of the bar. A week after I told him go his girlfriend had booked them a holiday abroad for Christmas. He's paying he pays for everything. It's the first time they are going anywhere together since he met me. We both agree that we have a problem with intimacy. He always talked about us in the future and even asked me to run a business together. His friends reckon I'm the first woman he's met that hasn't danced to his tune and he doesn't know how to handle it. Do you think he's a player who's met his match? I miss him everyday. It was supposed to test his feelings but it's actually priced how much I care for him! Hope you can help!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, a few things to keep in mind here:

1.) He doesn't want to be with a strong woman
2.) He's in an "arrangement"

To both, I respond, "WTF?" He wants a weak woman? Apparently not, he's kinda already got one and appears to be unhappy. And he's in an "arrangement" with this other woman. Sounds strange to me. Like they both suffer from low self esteem and a fear of being alone so they stick with one another in a co-dependent fashion - not good.

He may be a "cake and eat it too" kinda guy. And he may know this about himself, which is why an "arrangement" works for him and he wants a weak woman versus a strong one (one who will tolerate him stepping out on her versus one who won't). He may be a commitment phobe as well.

It appears he wants you to behave as if you're committed to him, meanwhile, he's not committed to anyone here and he's used to getting his way with that, based on his arrangement with this other woman and preference for weak women.

If he's not a player, I imagine he could be a real pain in the butt. Trying to get a guy used to being somewhat selfish and getting his own way and being able to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and who he wants to do it with - can be a bit daunting. About as daunting as turning a gigolo into a husband, LOL.

Yea, he may be a player, but I'm not sure you represent his match so much as you represent a "challenge" to him ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much fir your prompt reply. I enjoy reading all your responses and respect the fact you give sound advice. I totally agree that if a man is interested enough he won't be able to keep away. I think attraction respect and trust are essential for any relationship and that doesn't happen over night. Patience is the key.
My friend seems to be an alpha male ( Aries) I'm probably an alpha female( Leo )
In my situation I think we have 2 people who are afraid to let go and haVe been dancing around each other for months. I was the "other woman" emotionally not physically! I also have the satisfaction of knowing I left him wanting more. It's up to him now to man up and do something about it.
Keep up the good work!

Black-biscuit said...

at first he wntd me nd his cuzin to date bt we eventually becme close nd i happnd tht we kissed nd he invited me to his place nd we dd it nd i ddnt wana to do it again coz i gt what i wanted nd he prersuaded me to cum visit again nd gave in.i visited nd we dd it nd after a week he started ignoring me.even though we wer nt dating ,it cut like a knife coz i once whatapp hm nd he ddnt reply bt i actually saw he was online whn i sent tht text.........wht wrong???is it me or whar

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You slept with him way too soon. HE got what HE wanted - and now there's no reason to come back. There's no challenge, there's nothing to work at. Men like the chase. By sleeping with him, you ended the chase.

Black-biscuit said...

i understand bt one thing i dnt understand is,i first slp wit hm last year nd i ddnt want 2,so he cnt inviting me nd i wud turn hm down,he once tried 2 mack on me indirectly nd i only give in a month ago

Anonymous said...

i met a guy at work we dated, he disappeared i later acted needy. An ex came which made the equation so complicated and I decided to be out of the equation. Time went by and we stopped talking then suddenly i did something "impressive" which in my mind made him realize I am not that bad and he started talking. I am not sure if he was impress with me or what but "friendship" seem to be budding again. It's a bit dangerous because I am not sure if he is a player or just realize my worth or simply bored and wants to play.

Anonymous said...

@ Mirror of Aphrodite. As mentioned in the previous comment the friendship is budding and he came over to my place and then it has been intimate but since I really am in doubt of everything and is after of the label and wanted to understand what is going on we just cuddled, kissed and he was almost all over me but i asked him to stop. The next time he was quiet and all I got was he apologized because he have gone beyond the bounds of friendship. Or let us say he learned that I am not after for friends with benefits. He said he still wanted to be my friend, he is sorry that he have let himself way too far and he do not want to hurt me because I am a person of value. Now my question is this, I will still be seeing this guy as we are workmates, he is hoping to be my friend still. Do I have to take him as a friend still? Or do I have to just stay away as obviously he knows I have feelings towards him? Or is he really sincere when he says he is sorry and feel bad for the loss of friendship with someone like me?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's too soon to tell. You're going to have to spend some more time with him to be able to judge this for yourself.

I see no reason why you cannot be friends and I see no reason why you cannot see him again. He's done nothing wrong and he's treated you with respect.

Anonymous said...

At the Mirror of Aphrodite, thanks a lot for responding and for your time spent to the confused mind and hearts because of "love".

Another thing, the way I understand from his statement is he lets me go, ask sorry and "friend zoned" me because we have different views of life to have a commitment and he is not looking to be committed with someone. My honest fear is I know that at the back of my head I have a feeling of hope that he changes his mind and saw me as a worthy person to be with for life as when we kissed it was like so real and seem to be like there were feelings between us. Or probably I was also wrong because he just acted on his men nature and I was on "love" but has remained to be in control.

Have you heard some guys who are somewhat a player, player or not wanting to commit ever change their minds when they meet someone different? Or am I just like dreaming for the moon to turn into pink? If there were instances any good tips to make a difference and convert this macho to our side, what are the things that those women ever did?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, I do know two men like that, that converted into real family men. However, it had absolutely nothing to do with the women. There's nothing you can do to make someone like you, care for you, or want to be in a relationship with you.

The players I know that settled down . . only did so because of their age. When they hit their 40's, they got tired of the single life and suddenly wanted to settle down. But those are rare cases and in them - it was a matter of timing - the timing was right.

So don't waste your time attempting to convince some guy that you're a great catch. If he doesn't see that for himself, walk away and find a guy who will.

Anonymous said...

I've been seeing this guy for 7 months. He seemed like he really liked me a lot always so sweet and wanting to see me. We didn't sleep together until about 2 months and that didn't change anything actually it seemed to draw him to me more. the problem is he always pulls away and changes sometimes he is like a completely different person and when I confront him about it he says stuff like he doesn't know what he wants and he's scared to be in a relationship and he doesn't know how to handle other peoples emotions and sometimes he wants to be in a relationship and sometimes he doesn't but he doesn't want to lose me. I know I let my
emotions show too much during these times but he is so stubborn and we can have these spells for weeks no matter how much I give him his space until I pretty much put it out there that I am ready to be done with it and I'm not gonna let him push Me to the side anymore. Then we get close again. can it be just a commitment fear? I know he has trust issues. His ex cheated on him and got pregnant. I really want to overcome these issues if it's possible. He really is a great guy. Do you think there is any hope?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Read this article and follow the advice listed there. Do not contact him, begin "no contact" dating and when he resurfaces, follow the instructions in this piece below, under the section "What To Do When He Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring:"


Anonymous said...

@ The Mirror of Aphrodite, thanks a lot. Yes I will follow what you said and will force this head to work over this heart. Much appreciated.

soulsoprano said...

LOL In the My Big Fat Greek Wedding scene, they had the woman turning the wrong part of a man. It's not the neck after all.

Anonymous said...

Mirror I have a question - soooo Ive worked it out.. he IS a bastard .. some wrong part of me still wishes he liked me.. today I was finishing work and there he was sitting at the pub opposite .. Maybe on a date - who knows .. tragically I was wishing he might have seen me and changed his mind and written - but he didn't .. WHAT DO I DO NOW ?? keys to getting over someone bad .. do you have any good advice ? I really respect your writing .. you have said more to me about inner strength than anyone else ever ... thanks lady :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

One of the keys to remaining healthy of mind through a breakup or big disappointment is to stay busy. In addition to a few other things:

1.) Stay busy
2.) Talk to friends for support
3.) Date other men, casually (no sex)
4.) Take walks and get exercise to clear your head and release frustrations
5.) Start a project of some sort. Paint and redecorate a room in your house. Or make a photo album. Or bake cookies to give away to your friends.
6.) Pamper yourself. Buy a pretty piece of jewelry, get a makeover or a new hairdo, buy a new outfit, new shoes, get your nails done and be good to yourself.

Doing the above will not work overnight, however, it will help you walk through the grieving process in a healthy manner and before you know it, you'll be feeling much better about yourself - and you'll laugh that you even ever worried about him.

Anonymous said...

I was seeing a guy and on the first date his hands were in my pants and on my boobs. I just thought ok hes Israeli he came over one night and I didnt do anything we go out another night he comes Into my hhouse is very quick on action strips me in a second and im so not into it nor attracted and I didnt feel confortable I felt like I wanted to cover up . Afterwards he says he has to go n feels all sorry oh next time ill sleep over ye right! Then I was emotional to him and told him how I never did this before. Then I ask to c him he sees me another nght I ask him to come in he refuses says he dnt wana get me upset I end up responding one worders till he gives up trying.via text. Whats up with that he rejected my invite when earlier he asked if we can stay in than out?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think he feels guilty. No man should treat a woman like that on the first or second date. It's disrespectful, arrogant and entitled.

And it's possible that he has lost respect for you now, because all of that was permitted to happen so soon. If I were you, I'd stay away from him. He seems very aggressive, and not in a good way.

Anonymous said...

Why would he feel guilty to come in my house again ? When I invited him did he really not want to upset me again

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Because he was sexually aggressive with you and dominating and he may feel bad about that. That is not appropriate behavior for a gentleman with a woman.

If a man laid his hands on me like that and stripped me on the second date - I'd never speak to him again.

That's very inappropriate behavior.

Anonymous said...

I tend to put the blameon me. Your right thanks. I must b phyco to have asked himm to come in! He knew id getemotionAl again

Anonymous said...

Have been struggling with a situation - would welcome your advice! Met a lovely man earlier this year, initially courted me, texts, phoned, lovely meals out, real gentleman. Got on & still get on brilliantly, loads in common, plenty to talk & shared interests. Works away but home @ weekends which he naturally spends with his boys (he’s going through divorce). Frustrated at no plans for next meeting I invited him to dinner which led to our ending at my apt, inevitable happened, he stayed over. Did not feel too bad at the time as it was about 3 months into our “relationship” and he did follow with calls etc over about 2 weeks but, to my horror, they slowly fizzled out. Had a terrible, emotional, summer cursing myself, my phone/txting him when I could not stand the silence! He does initiate texts (sometimes) which rekindles my interest all over again . Absolutely don’t want to let go, willing (now)as last resort to put the “no contact” to the test but terrified could lead him to think I’m playing games/push him away? He genuinely is busy. I would love to invite him to work do’s/social events and feel sad to go alone when I know we could have such a good time, wasted opportunities etc. I don’t understand his stance given that he does initiate some tx. Have just met up with him again – daytime – initiated by me – got on fantastically again but ended with no plans offered for next contact which has again left me feeling frustrated and going over everything. Gutted I haven’t been “smart” enough to keep him interested, never learnt how to play the game (Im 45!) I’m sure he likes me though.I’m not interested in anyone else, do go out occasionally but heart never in it unless there is a chance that I may just bump into him. Frustrated@got it bad!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Sometimes . . both parties just don't feel a spark is all. It happens and it no one's fault and it doesn't man there's anything wrong with you.

He's going through a divorce and he's spending time, trolling the bars on the weekends with his boys. That's not a man looking for a serious relationship - that's a man enjoying his new found freedom from divorce (and the sexual benefits that come with that freedom).

Bottom line: he's emotionally unavailable at the moment.

He's stringing you along as a friend and I'm sure he likes you as one as well. However, he doesn't want a relationship. That's clear. If he did, he would've been spending weekends with you, not friends.

You'd do best to move along from this one. After a year or two on the "singles" scene, he'll tire of that and he may become emotionally available at that point and it's possible this could work at a much later date in time.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror, thank you for taking the time to get back to me, appreciated. Wish I'd seen your website 6 months ago! You are absolutely right, suspected but did not want to admit, that he is just not ready. By "boys" I meant his chidlren (they are 9 and 12) but makes no difference because you are right, deep down I do know that he could find time to be with me to if he wnated to! Trouble is how should I repsond when he does call/tx/FB message me (usually out of the blue) - given that I am totally lost on him I would truly find it difficult to be "off" /ignore him! (ie in the worry that he would just stop altogether). I usually respond quickly with an answer to his q/few tit bits from my day. Feel a bit more upbeat now about looking elsewhere but obviously in hope that he will want ME!! Thank you again, Frustrated@gotitbad xx

Anonymous said...

Wrote to you earlier of the guy u said is aggressive.. wondering why he would say we should chill in. Which means getting in my pabts and when I responded well go out n we did he later rejected coming in?? How is that guilt

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 28 11:15AM,
Read this article here:


There's a section titled, "What to do when you man returns." Also, pay attention to the first section as well titled, "The scarcity theory of value."

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov. 28 11:56AM,
I have no clue if it's guilt or not. It SHOULD be guilt, so that'd be my guess and it's only my opinoin.

And if he was feeling guilty, no, he wouldn't come in - because he'd know he was going to become sexaully aggressive again. And if he's feeling guilty about it, he won't won't to repeat that.

Honestly, he's a player and I think you should stay far, far away from him. He almost sounds dangerous to me. I can honestly say I've never had a man lay hands on me like that on the first date - or strip me down on the second.

I think if a guy attempted that with me, first off he'd get punched and secondly, I'd be trying to figure out how to avoid him - I wouldn't be inviting him in.

The other issue here also is that he could have lost respect for you - because you permitted that to happen.

He may have used you and now - he may ignore you because he lost respect (because you permitted yourself to be used).

I don't have all the answers, but those are my two guesses.

Either way, he's bad news.

Anonymous said...

I actually pushed him away after that night . N he just ran lol. So what do I do for my confidence thats been broken. Because he saw I really didnt want it nor was into it. N I feel bad about it all.

Anonymous said...

Hi, me again (frustrated@gotitbad), have been reading many of the posts on this website, your advice makes a lot of sensse and unfortunately mirrors what my friends were warning me at the time with my emotionally unavailable man. Why do I never listen! Am genuinely struggling to "snap out" of it, tearful and thinking about him 24/7. It is 6 days since our last meeting and no tx, nothing. Last time we met (about 5 wks ago) I sent him a quick tx after sying how nice it was to see him again and he immediately sent me a row of kisses back. Have not made contact this time in the hope that he would but nothing! Really have fallen for this one:(:( Otherwise I am a 44 yr old professional supposedly mature, attractive woman who takes care of herself/works out etc. Why am I so hopeless at relationships? Got out of a 10yr marriage to a v.unpleasant (emotionally abusive) man; 4 yr intense relationship with a complete opposite man but in hindsight "unavailable" (long term separated) and now this... The latest truly was a breath of fresh air, really felt good about it from day1. Wish I hadn't txd him so much(although never asked him any awkward q's) - is there any way to rekindle his attention/interest? He is shy/busy but of course I he did find to woo me early on so I guess that's me making excuses for him?? I have deactivated my socialmedia account so as to really get off his radar for a while but in reality suspect he won't notice I'm gone. On the other hand he has been one to tx/call out of the blue sometimes - why do they do this!! Is it so wrong to follow your heart/instinct and just send a tx to say you're thinking about him? Sorry to go on :(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Why do I never listen!"

Because you're too nice and unfortunately, nice guys and girls finish last :-(

"It is 6 days since our last meeting and no tx, nothing."

That's nothing in a man's world. Hang in there.

"Why am I so hopeless at relationships?"

Because I think you might possibly be under the false impression that your happiness comes from a man. That you need a man to make you happy.

"Is there any way to rekindle his attention/interest?"

There's a 90% chance he'll be back - IF you don't contact him. Eventually, he'll notice and begin to think about you and if he genuinely likes you, he'll seek you out. If he doesn't you have your answer. Which is why it's never good to initiate contact with men. The only way you know they're interested is - if they contact YOU.

"On the other hand he has been one to tx/call out of the blue sometimes - why do they do this!!"

Because men take much longer to develop feelings for someone and enter into a relationship. Women overwhelm me with too much emotion, too much pressure, too much talking, etc. So men "pace" their relationships out, to give them room to breath and recover from all of the "overwhelm." It's unnatural for a man to jump into a relationship with a woman. And if a man does that - it's a big red flag, he'll be gone in two week to a month.

"Is it so wrong to follow your heart/instinct and just send a tx to say you're thinking about him?"

Yes, it is. Do you see female doe chasing male bucks around the forest? No. Do you see the lioness stalking the lion king out on the safari? No. It is VERY unnatural to reverse those roles and become the aggressor in a relationship. The women's liberation movement truly liberated women sexually, however, they've taken that to brand new heights by becoming aggressive about their sexuality and behaving like men when dating. It's not the way it was meant to be and it freaks me out, it's "overwhelming" to them to be in constant contact with someone. It feels like work after a while and not fun.

Additionally, men are very instinctual with women. When a woman "needs" to be in constant contact with a man or is constantly reminding him she exists and is waiting on him - he sense this "need" and then labels her "needy."

At that point, he starts to think, "Can I live like this? This is like work, it's not fun anymore. Can I make her happy? Can I deal with all of her emotions? Can I be with someone 24/7?"

And they ultimately reach the conclusion that it's just too much, too overwhelming, and they run away from it all.

So when a man takes space in a budding relationship - give it to him. Don't panic, don't freak out. He's pacing things out most of the time. And he's testing as to whether or not he's dealing with a strong woman - or a weak one that will panic and begin blowing up his phone and crying and pleading and begging. All of which are a huge turnoff to anyone, man or woman, and signal insecurity.

Stand strong, sweetie. It's just a man, it's not the end of the world. And if he's stupid enough to walk away for good - be smart enough to let him go.

Strength my dear - strength.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

One last thought . . RUN to the bookstore today or download this on kindle immediately. I think you will find this fascinating and extremely helpful to calm your fears and worries right now.

Read this book immediately, "Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship"


Trust me, this book will answer many, many questions for you and make you feel better at understanding things.

Anonymous said...

Wow - I feel better already! Your advice has brought a big smile and hopfully a spring to my step this weekend - you are 100% right - I will print your advice now and keep it. Also yes will buy the book - you are wonderful - thank you so much (frustrated@not so bad now!!)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, PLEASE buy the book. It's going to really help you. You may feel bad at first reading it, some of the things it says not to do, you've done. However, overall, this book is going to make you feel better by giving you an in-depth understanding of men and their behavior and how they form an emotional attachment to a woman.

Once you read that book, you're not going to feel the need to contact him, you're going to feel much better - trust me :-)

Anonymous said...

I have just ordered the book, thank you again for your advice:)

Anonymous said...

@mirrotofaphrodite: I have found your information very useful. I have been emailing someone I met online from another country for the last 8 months. (I have done all the leg work to make sure he's legit). He has been emailing from every 4 days, to every 2-3 weeks at times. The emails are always thoughtful, full of information about himsef, as well as questions about me. He has once mentioned he doesn't want to write more often because he doesnt "want me to get bored". The last email he said that he now has the ability to text message (long distance) and that I could text him all the time for free..he included his phone number (which he had given me before). I waited 5 or so days and texted him. He seemed excited that I did so, and he texted me back all day, including random pictures and talking about when we meet someday. The next day I didn't hear from him. The following day I decided to initiate again and we again, texted all day. It has now been about 5 days and I'm determined to hold out to see if HE initiates conversation. But my question is, what gives? Does it sound like a miscommunication on my part, or him playing games?


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Women should never pursue men. It's not the natural order of things and to men, it translates as desperate. When you start a relationship out that way, it's very unlikely that things will change. The guy will never lift a finger for you and you will do all of the work, from that day forward.

You may want to read this:


Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror of Aphrodite,

I have a situation where your objective eye could help me with some clearings...
I am involved in a relationship with a guy, for 4-5 months now. I had to make a serious change in my life, i got out of a situation which was not ok for me and my son. It involved another man with whom I had a particular situation that I did not want to get involved in and live with on the long term. As we lived in the same house I had to move out soon, to look for another apartment in another city and so on.

In this tumult of things, I met this guy, that manifested a huge interest for me ever since the beginning. We talked a looooooot, every opportunity he had he wanted to see me, to talk to me, etc.

He proposed me to move in with him as a solution and that this way he would get more responsible about his life. That he wants to start a life with somebody that is serious and so on.

We started as friends living in the same apartment. He instantly shared all with us, with me and my kid: half of the drawers, the car, everything. He presented me all his friends, his family etc.

Our conversations online, before moving in together lasted for a month and then, in a couple of weeks from my moving in with him, we became intimate so to speak. He confessed me that he cared for me a lot. I teased him with a lot of things and I remarked that he pays attention.

We had some altercations concerning the territory of each that we had to negotiate in order to bring a harmony between us. We are very tough as personalities so the little disputes have turned sometimes not in the best way.

We had very intense intimate moments at the beginning, but for the past 3 months not a single moment of intimacy. He does not have malfunctions or he is not communicating them to me. He is quite indifferent to this (making love to me) even though he holds me in his hands all night long, he kisses me, he tries to make concessions regarding the issues that he knows annoy me. Every time I say that I will leave as he is not clear about his feelings, he insists I don't go, that he doesn't want to lose me, that he loves me.

He tells me he is stressed that my son and I have made a huge change in his life and that he needs time to adapt. But I don't quite know how to take this. I am not desperate about him, or about any man so far as to continue a relationship that is not fulfilling for both. I would like to have some hints as in regard to testing his love and the potential of our relationship. I know he has something deep for me but I am not sure that it is enough to keep us going on the long term and I am not exactly the type of woman that will do no matter what in a desperate attempt to hold this man next to her. However if it is a blockage that I could facilitate overcoming I would like to try.

C. from France

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@C. From France,
Hmm, sounds like he's a bit overwhelmed with the "instant family" he now has. Which is understandable.

I've never been in this situation and I don't have children, however, the first thing that comes to mind is that the two of you need to reconnect. Although, I will say, this all seemed to have happened impulsively on his part and wasn't real well thought out.

But why not try this. Why not hire a baby sitter once a week so you guys can go out on dates and then see if once a week, someone can watch your child for a few hours or an evening, outside the home - so you two can be alone in the home, watch a movie, etc. and rekindle things.

I'm not saying to get rid of your child, LOL, but let's face it, children drastically change the dynamic of a relationship, even one between a married couple. The child needs lots of attention from mom and the man kinda gets second best as far as the woman's attention is concerned. And the way many couples find a solution to that are "date nights."

It sounds like there weren't many date nights here, not much of the together time that most couples get to experience when they're dating one another. It sounds like it was instantly a family situation, rather than a dating situation that eventually led to a family situation.

Try spending more time with him alone. And if you do and it still doesn't rekindle things - then chances are this all just happened way too soon and wasn't meant to be.

Unknown said...

Hello Mirror,

Thanks for the insight, you stated a pertinent point there no doubt about it. I will try this approach as I know it is healthy also for me to build my personal life separate from the time I spend with my son.

I have noticed men take it hard to be placed second best even when it comes to their own kids...so I imagine it is more pronounced when it comes to somebody else's kid.

My question is also what would be the correct and stimulating attitude on my part in order to maintain or increase the interest of this man for our relationship. How could I play hard to get and at the same time build this intimacy between us? I hope it sounds logical what I say.

I try to explain:
Before this guy I had several relationships but never with a guy that knows himself how to play hard to get. I found it rather easy to keep a man interested and always wanting to chase me. It is true that I had a different context of life, I was not with my son all the time and this changes the perspective drastically. The relationship had a different space to manifest which involved my son but not at all as it is happening now. My mother was spervising my kid, I had my own life separate from him and it was a completely healthy way of starting a relationship.

Now I am with a man in the same space, not many moments of intimacy with him and I perceive him in an expectancy state which I interpret as indifference and this is blocking me also.

I would like to find the magical way of stimulating him to court me and at the same time build this context of intimacy where he can manifest his masculine nature.

Maybe you have some hints for me for which I thank you in advance.
C from France again.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@C from France,
It sounds like he's a bit shut down right now. So what I might suggest first are some fun activities together. Doing things that you don't necessarily have to have long talks and conversations, but fun instead. That you two can experience laughs together doing. To lighten the mood a bit.

As far as courting you, I'm not sure I can help you there because you're not necessarily in a situation where he can do that - because you're already there. He doesn't have to woo you to be with him, you already are with him.

Rather, I might focus on romance. Small romantic gestures on BOTH parts. And maybe you can start. I say both here because I think if you make a few romantic gestures towards him first, you might "unlock" him from this disconnected state and he may take notice again. And once he does, he may begin to reciprocate.

It's like he needs to wake up in a sense. Maybe leave small notes for him in unexpected places, with short messages, only one or two sentences, stating how much you appreciate him. Point out manly things like, "Each morning I wake up with you, I'm reminded of what a wonderful man you are by how you have welcomed myself and my son into your lives." And maybe, "I just want you to know that when I saw you yesterday, I remembered the first day we met."

Things along the lines of making him feel manly, like the man of the house, and reminding him that you take notice of that. It doesn't go unnoticed.

I think maybe if he feels appreciated a bit, he'll feel manly. And if he feels manly, he'll open up. And if he opens up, it can ignite romance again.

I have no real solid answers for this, but I think I might begin by being complimentary and appreciative with him, and making personal time for you two as a couple and doing activities together where you will share laughs and good times together to build the bond back up.

Unknown said...

Thanks, I think you have a pertinent point of view. I will keep you informed on the outcome of our relationship.

Kisses from France,

Anonymous said...

Hi The Mirror of Aphrodite,
I like this guy who I think is half interested or just wanting to have some casual relationship. I really like him but do not want to chase but do not want to lost total contact. It gonna be his birthday next week and he will be out of town. Is it not like I have him so much in his mind if I will greet him plus we have holidays coming soon. Or should I just really remove him from my greetings list? A bit stupid question because part of me is still dreaming to get connected with him.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Skip his birthday, but maybe wish him a happy holiday when it comes time. Don't do both or you'll look too eager.

Anonymous said...

Hi The Mirror,
I meet this "wonderful guy" in my mind and have grown to care deeply for him. However, it was too late to keep my guards off when I found out that he was not really after of a relationship. I have later asked myself if what I saw that he seems to like me was really liking, or physically attracted, in lust or whatever.
We started well which really ensnared my heart and mind which bring me to this webpage of yours, I have really grown fond of him or love? I do not know how to call it. Lately, we have talked and text and as we are friends we have been open to ask questions and he was able to divulge his longings to be with someone. But he never wanted a relationship. My feelings for him is deep but I do not like to risk of sleeping with him just to give him a taste of what I am like so I will win his heart. Although, a portion of me is also saying that maybe its worth doing it because they said nowadays men wanted to try before they buy. The only problem is that I know he will get laid as there are lots of women who will give it for free without pressure. The second issue is that, when he is alone and especially on weekends which is probably when he do not have dates or one night stand arrangement is he talks with me and he become a bit sweet. On days when he has noone to talk to or he is not busy we talk online, call or text and he said to me onetime that if I am a bad girl he will be with me implying that he will want to sleep with me but since I am not so we talk and he said it is good that I am who I am.
I do am scared of this friendship because I know I still have this strong feelings, I also do not want to give it up because he might change. But I do not know what I should do to make him realize his lost and the risk he is taking with being single craving for sex made possible through friends with benefits arrangements or one night stand. Can you please tell me what is best to do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well I cannot tell you what to do, that choice will ultimately be yours, however, I believe a woman should date a man for one to two months before sleeping with him. (Anywhere from 6-9-12 dates.)

Anonymous said...

I wish I had stumbled upon your sight before. I read another and enjoyed it to the point of crying (if one can say that) because it was what I had been experiencing. I have been on and off involved with a man for 3 years. He has disappeared for work purposes and then often comes back expecting to resume. In the meantime I don't hear much from him. The last time he left we have grown a lot closer and I thought things had really changed, but while away he eventually ceased to communicate and when he returned he was actually quite mean about telling me I needed to date other people etc... only to come back around 5 months later. I am pretty certain it was just for sex because I don't hear from him at all now. But what is definitely different is that I made issue of his previous mistakes from the beginning. This helped scare him away faster. I should be glad but I still have feelings for him. Some of the red flags you mentioned have applied to me in the past: A)he doesn't value me B)he doesn't consider me a suitable date when there are events he is going to C) he doesn't even care to return calls. I have cried over this man so much and it hurts to think that he can be cruel to me when I know I don't deserve it. There are many men who over the years have seemed interested in me, but never ask me out. So I don't know what i am doing wrong. Men have told me that it appears I don't need anyone... I have a house and live on my own and have an education. I have my share of financial issues, but I keep myself together. I know I am a strong person, but when it comes to men I seem to fail. This particular man I mentioned has hurt me severely, but like many women I can look past this. I want better treatment and I want love, but I am not certain what exactly I am doing wrong.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You're not doing anything wrong, sweetie. You got wrapped up with a jack ass that did absolutely nothing for your self-worth, confidence or self-esteem is all. I know it appears he had little affect on that, but people pick up on things, men included, especially someone's "energy." Being with this man sapped your energy. He brought you down, made you sad. And without even knowing it, that's the energy you were emitting to others. The universe is an extraordinary place and many things take place on a subconscious and sub-atomic level every single day - that folks are unaware of.

Which is why it's never good to stick around in a toxic situation, man or woman. Negativity does not add to your life, it saps it away from you.

But the beauty in all of this is that - we have the gift of free will. We can take control of things. Don't sit back and passively wait for a man to pick you, you pick your man, honey.

I strongly suggest you try your hand at online dating. And there are several reasons (and benefits) that can come from that:

1) You WILL receive positive attention from men
3) You get to PICK who you want to get to know better
4) You get to go on dates and get comfortable speaking to all types of men in various environments
5) It will give you hope
6) It will build your confidence and self-esteem
7) It will increase your sense of self worth
8) It will be a nice, positive distraction that will help you heal

But before you do this, read this article here:


And don't get discouraged. Many men will come and go there, many will attempt to lie and man will attempt to fast track you into the bedroom. That's normal and it comes with the territory. Just be prepared to learn how to avoid those ones is all.

So keep a healthy guard up when dating online and don't believe everything those men there are telling you, LOL. But DO go out and enjoy yourself with them. I'm suggesting casually dating there (i.e. no sex) simply to enjoy yourself, receive the attention, feel better, develop hope - and begin to emit that positive energy you're taking in.

Things will improve, you'll see. Don't ever let another human being treat you like that again, honey. You deserve better.

And DON'T ever speak to this one ever again, because don't be surprised, when his well runs dry - you may hear from him again.

But by then, you'll be much stronger and in a very good place . . . you'll have the last laugh here :-)

Anonymous said...


i relocated to join a man and work as a part of his business. we started as friends and quickly progressed to being a couple and working together. he proposed after some months, been engaged a year. a lot happened in between this time but i finally decided to venture out and start my own business, we fought about it so I left and "no contact" for a couple wks. when we did talk I cried all the time.
i started doing things for myself and told him i still love him and want to be with him. month later, he asked me to come visit him so I flew there. we hung out, talked. it was innocent and fun. I had meetings so I couldn't stay. after i got back, he disappeared for a week. not the first time. now he's calling me for the past 2 days. he knows how I feel about him. not 100% sure how he feels. don't really know what to do.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,

C. from France speaking again. As promised, I come back with details on what happened with my boyfriend after your advice.
Well, we guarded a family life so to speak, eating together and having activities together, and at the same time we tried every evening to have some time for us, for a couple of weeks I would say.
At a point, however, he decided to leave on a weekend, to « help a friend ». He invited me over but he knew I could not go as I had previously annonced him that I would have to work that Saturday. He was away all weekend even if he told me it is a 2-hour job but given that he had to leave to Paris for this he will make the most of his weekend with a cousin and another friend that lives in the area. I found it strange as a man who loves a woman, would not spend a weekend away from her like this.
All this month, maybe two months in fact, I perceived his attitude a bit backed off so to speak (the disappearing thing that you wrote about), so I pulled a backed off attitude as well. . I have stopped contacting him outside the strict daily to-do issues that involved him as well. So this month it was him who initiated the contact towards me all the time. However the diallogue was always a bit dry so to say.
After this weekend, he went out one evening supposedly to see a male friend in order to give him a table that we don't use. I don't know I felt he was lying so next day I looked on his Facebook page that he left open when he was at work. And indeed he had seen a woman that he told me before that he was only friends with. However, I confronted him and he said that he lied to me as he didn't want to raise any suspicions.
However, I felt it oftenly that he wants to get me jealous so he goes out alone, he speaks with people that I don't know and so on. If I do the same, he asks me all the time with whom I speak, he teases me with lines like : ah, ok, you will go out with your colleagues without me even if it is him mostly that goes out with his friends and not me.
We talked a lot that day and I told him that really I find his attitude stupid, as if he were interested in someone else he can easily tell me, we end up our relationship and it's ok. He denied all the time that he had another woman but he admitted that he talks to other women when he is bored or for a stupid reason as he does not want to separate from me.
So, ever since this day I told him that for me it is kind of over and that as soon as I have an arrangement regarding a place to move we will separate totally.
He is cold to me but every time we discuss about what has happened he tells me that he is truly sorry that he hurt me and he does not want to lose me. But that he was overwhelmed but this change in his life and at the same time he goes through a tough time since a couple of months.
I saw that he talks to other women, he goes out alone, I have my own activities as well.
What I don't understand is why would he call me to ask me what I do, to say he is sorry, to show that he is jealous when he does nothing to work his way towards me.
He cannont stay with my by pity as it is very far from my situation, he knows I can find somebody else and I can manage my life as well.
My male friends tell me he is too lazy as he figures that given the fact that this change would imply too much as far as my kid is concerned (changing school and place and everything) he thinks I would not easily leave so he is kinda calm and not in a rush.

Anonymous said...

We will see what the future will bring us anyway I can see clearly that I fell in love with this guy way too easy and he just did not fight too hard to win my heart.
Even if he says that he loves me enormously, even if his family loves me, even if there was a nice period at the beginning when we resonated nicely, his actions don't meet his words, that is for sure.
My decision is to move elsewhere and let him realise that if he wants me he will have to fight hard for it and if he does not want to, so much for that, he can search somebody else if he hasn't found her yet.

Merry Christmas anyway and keep up the good work.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@C. from France,
Well, those actions got you the answer you were seeking. Regretfully, it wasn't the one you had hoped it would be, but an answer no less.

Yes, he's lazy. I agree with your friends. He's taking you for granted and yes, I think that's because this all came very easy for him. So he figured, "Hey, I'll have my cake and eat it too."

But that's not the only issue here. This man is extremely insecure. And insecure men don't make good boyfriends, husbands and lovers. They're selfish and it's always about them. Additionally, they play games with women's emotions to make themselves feel manly. Insecure men tinker with women's heads and they sap the life out of a woman and exhaust her.

I'd leave him, too. Before he cheats on you. Because that's another thing insecure men will do. Because they don't feel good about themselves and attention from other women makes them feel good about themselves, makes them feel manly. Even if they don't want to cheat, many do because it feeds their bruised ego. The fact that he said, "I talk to other women when I'm bored" proves it. It's not that he's bored, it's that he's feeling crappy so he's looking to receive attention from other women to make himself feel better.

You did everything you could here and you even attempted to give this one last effort to repair it, which is more than he's done. So you can walk away knowing you did everything you could - and that he was just insecure and emotionally unavailable.

This will be for the best. Besides, you don't want your son around a man like this or he'll start to think this is how men should treat women. And that's not a good thing.

You did everything you could. This is not your fault, it's his. He's simply insecure and emotionally unavailable.

Move on and find your happiness :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you! I thought of myself having experience with men and yet, I found your support very very very helpful.

I wish you all the best for 2013,

WonderingWoman said...

Hello - First off..Happy New Year and thank you for all your help as I love your blog.

Quick question...if a guy who you have been dating for about 3 months introduces you to his family (had lunch & spent day with them); then went out with his friends to dinner/bowling with big group of his friends; and even took his nephews to a sporting event for the day can I take these as positive signs?

He is very introverted and we only see each other weekends as we live 2-hours away by train from each other.

The second week we knew each other he said he was not looking for a serious relationship and I told him that wasn't enough for me as I did not know where this would go but was enjoying getting to know him with the idea of it turning into more. I told him no hard feelings and that he knew how to get in touch with me if he wanted to continue but otherwise I was not going to contact him anymore. He contacted me two days later, and than went silent for 4 days but that was before Thanksgiving and since he has been consistent and planned all the above mentioned events.

I hate having that "exclusivity" talk and I am also nervous he might spook but just don't want to misread things as presumption is never safe.

Love to get your opinion please?! Thank you in advance.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No, don't initiate the talk. Talk of exclusivity needs to come from the man initiating it, not the woman.

Yes, it's a good sign that all of these things are happening, but that doesn't mean he wants a relationship, so you can't assume that.

All you can do is keep seeing him for a while. Set a time frame in your head that you're going to date him for to see if he wants a relationship, but don't tell him this time frame or that you're thinking this.

Give him until the 6 or 8 month mark. At that time, pull back a bit. When he starts coming around wondering why you're getting distant, then you can mention that you told him when you first started dating that you wanted a relationship and that you've been dating him for 8 months and he hasn't asked for one - so you think it might be time to move on.

You don't have the talk, you simply insinuate that you're going to move on. IF he attempts to stop you from doing so, then it's okay to have the talk.

If he doesn't and he lets you go, then it wasn't meant to be and he doesn't want a relationship.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I talked to this guy for 3 years and he always pulled the gone and appearing act.. He said it was go to my lack of not doing things.. Like making a life for myself.. Hes way older then me though which means i still have time.. but last time he disappeared i start talking to another guy and this happened everytime he disappeared.. And it was a bunch of times but he would come back.. now that it happened i ended up accidentally pregnant.. Now he dont want me and dont want the child because its from someone else.. And its my fault for messing up our relationship.. He join the military and is on a ship but he told me he doesn't want nothing to do with me and i cant get
mad because its my fault but he always left me
then came back.. His family always blow up my phone and. I dont want nothing to do with them because im pregnant and not talking to him no morni

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,
I need some advice. I was dating a man for a little over 2 months and things were going fantastic and now he's acting weird and distant. I'll give you the full story.... This is gonna be long.....sorry! So long I have to make 2 posts. :-/

Before we ever started dating he made it obvious he was interested and I just ignored his flirtations. I gradually became interested and slowly led it in to dating. I let him take the lead, let him do the pursuing and always let him ask me out. Which he did often and always wanted to spend a lot of time with me. I turned him down here and there because I had obligations I had to do so I wasn't always available. He would text me often as well....telling me good morning, good night and calling me beautiful and other sweet names. I thought I did everything you're supposed to do as a woman by letting him initiate everything. I even waited to have sex (at about a month).....but probably not long enough. Even after the sex things were still great. There were even times we'd stay the night together and not have sex.

I went out of town for the holidays and he would still continue to text me often and we'd face time and talk on the phone here and there as well. He'd tell me he missed me and all that sweet stuff. Then a friend of his had his sister come into town for a visit during the holidays and they were all hanging out often. Next thing I know I'm seeing pictures of her and him being posted by her on facebook along with flirty comments. They made me uncomfortable some of them looked a little too cozy. His communication with me didn't seem any different at first until a few days before I was about to come back home and she was about to leave. He was short with me on new years eve and his texting seemed different. HE stopped saying good morning and good night and stopped the sweet names. The next day I text him and asked him if he was annoyed with me and he said no, why would you think that. I said because you don't seem all that eager to talk to me recently. He said it was because he was busy and I had all kinds of free time while I was on vacation. Then I didn't hear from him all day which was unusual. I called him later that night to chat and he was short with me again. So I asked him if something was up with him and if he's lost interest and I mentioned that the pictures on Facebook made me uncomfortable. He got really defensive and kind of mean about it and said I had nothing to worry about and that this is why he hates dating. That he shouldn't even have to be having this conversation with me. Then he didn't text or call the whole next day.

Anonymous said...


The following day I text him a long text basically telling him that I was just trying to have open communication with him and that I wasn't accusing him of anything and I was sorry if I offended him. That dating is a learning process and that we still have a lot to learn about each other and we have some learning to do about how to communicate with each other. That things have been great and it's just a bump in the road. He text me back and said he agreed and that he'd call me after work. He did call and we talked like nothing had happened.

When I flew back in he picked me up from the airport, hugged and kissed me like he was glad to see me and everything felt normal. On the way to my house he had to stop for gas and while I was in the car while he was pumping gas I noticed that girl was texting him when his phone lit up in the console. When he got in the car he grabbed his phone and that's when i noticed him logging in with a password. He never had a password on his phone before I left. (I never went through his phone nor would I ever, I'm not like that) I didn't say anything, but thought it was really suspicious.

After arriving at my house he helped me bring my luggage in and I gave him his xmas gift and he was affectionate and totally normal. We went and got some dinner and then came back to my place and watched a movie and he stayed the night. The next morning he had to leave to go to work and then later that night after work we went to a movie and he asked me to stay over with him, so I did. He wasn't as affectionate but we were also really tired. The next morning he acted distant and as if he wanted me to go home. We ate breakfast and watched football which was what we always did before I left for my trip. Eventually I left when he decided to go for a ride on his motorcycle with his friends. Later that evening he invited me to a BBQ and I went with him. It felt like there was tension. He normally always wanted to be next to me and was always touching me in some way. He did a little but nothing like he did before. Before we left the BBQ he asked if I was going to stay over again and I said no. He said why not. I said I had class in the morning and things to do at home to get ready for school. He was trying to convince me I could do the things I needed to do from his house but I told him that I didn't bring anything with me and I should just go home. So when I left his house he hugged and kissed me goodbye just like normal. That was Sunday.

He texted with me Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday with no invites to hang out either. It is now saturday night and I haven't heard a word from him since his text Wednesday. (That girl is also continuing to flirt with him on his facebook page) This is soo unlike him. Especially after me being out of town and him "missing me so much" and the way he used to text me all the time. My friends have told me to just ignore him and not to text him. Which I have done, yet he's still not trying to contact me, even on his day off. It's been really hard for me and it's making my stomach be in knots and making it hard for me to eat. I want to know what the deal is and if he's not interested anymore then I just want to move on. What do I do? Do I just keep ignoring him and just move on? Or do I try to talk to him and at least have closure by breaking it off with him? What's his deal?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

When men pull back, if you freak out and share your feelings/emotions - off they go. And he even hinted to that with you:

"this is why he hates dating. That he shouldn't even have to be having this conversation with me. Then he didn't text or call the whole next day."

If you disappear, don't contact him, give him his space, remain confident and keep your cool - they come back.

If I were you, I think I'd test him here. And test whether or not something is developing with this other woman that's inappropriate given he's still seeing you.

I'd disappear on him and begin mirroring his behavior. So if he takes 3 or 4 days to contact you, you ignore him and don't return that communication for 3 or 4 days. If he takes a week to contact you, you take a week to return that call.

You begin to mirror his behavior and see if he cares where YOU are at during this absence. That's how you make him focus his attention on YOU again.

Make HIM worry, make HIM wonder, make HIM lose sleep - and he'll stop focusing on this other woman and begin focusing on YOU again.

Anonymous said...

You begin to mirror his behavior and see if he cares where YOU are at during this absence. That's how you make him focus his attention on YOU again.

Make HIM worry, make HIM wonder, make HIM lose sleep - and he'll stop focusing on this other woman and begin focusing on YOU again.

How I wish to God in heaven I'd have done that and followed my gut rather than calling him and ending it. (He wouldn't take me back) I miss the bugger. Sometimes I truly feel there is sometimes only one man in this world you can truly love, and the others you can, but it's never the same/as whole again.

If I had one wish, it would be to turn back the clock. Life sucks sometimes!!!!!

Anonymous said...

So your advice worked!! Thank you sooo much! He finally text me today. His exact words....

"I would prefer we talk rather than this stalemate of stubborness between who will give in first vs who will refuse more. Or whatever you want to call this silent treatment. If you don't have plans, I'd like to go to dinner Tuesday and hash out whatever may be on your mind as to why you've completely stopped talking to me."

So I made him wait a few hours instead of days for me to respond to him. I know I probably should've waited longer, but at this point I was glad he finally responded and didn't realize he thought I was the one that was initiating the silent treatment. I told him that we did in fact need to talk and that I thought he was the one avoiding me for whatever reason so I was giving him his space. So we agreed to meet Tuesday night for dinner to talk.

My question now is......how do I handle the conversation when we're at dinner. My plan is to be as calm as possible, to be very open, honest and straight forward...which is my typical style anyway. But I want to address the issues without being bitchy, demanding or getting him defensive to where he clams up or gets angry again. I want to make my boundaries more clear to him this time. Especially the issue with him flirting with the other woman because I find it disrespectful. I ultimately want him to offer exclusivity with me, even though I'm not so sure that will happen. But I want him to really think he's going to lose me because I think he's already thinking that and is a bit nervous. I just want things to go back to how they were. They were so wonderful before. Any advice on what to say would be appreciated. Thanks again!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

LOL, yes it does work and now that you know that, don't forget it in the future and use it when need be, to gain a man's respect, set boundaries and not let yourself be run over.

Now regarding this dinner, which is great by the way - he manned up and did this the right way, so that's a good thing.

BUT . . you don't want to jump right back in just yet. And here's why: Because if a man figures out that you're enthusiastic and that you got what you wanted, which was him, he will slip back into old behaviors and begin taking the woman for granted again.

So AT NO TIME during this dinner or talk to you agree to get back together. Not yet. You have agreed to talk - that's it. Don't give him ANY guarantees here and don't make this easy for him. Remember . . he needs to PROVE himself to you this time around. So you stick to your guns here and you make him do that.

During this dinner, do not get emotional, do not get angry, do not get frustrated. You smile, thank him for the invitation, thank him for the dinner, etc. Be a lady.

Then, you let HIM guide the conversation. Let HIM do the speaking. Let HIM tell you what he wants and let HIM explain why he's asked you to be there. Let the burden of making this work fall on HIS shoulders this time, NOT YOURS.

And when appropriate, you state your needs in a very matter-of-fact tone. You state that you value yourself and that you feel that any man that YOU CHOSE (make it very clear to him that YOU have a CHOICE here) to settle down with, needs to value you as well.

Once you both lay all your cards out on the table, you once again thank him for dinner and say your goodbyes. If he makes you any propositions, like getting back together or seeing you again - you make no guarantees. You simply say, "Yea, that would be nice. Why don't you call me when you'd like to get together again."

And if he asks you to get back together in a relationship as a couple . . you simply say, "Well, I can't make any guarantees here. But we can certainly start dating again and see where it goes."

And then you leave.

You do not call afterward, you do not text. You let HIM come to you. You let HIM prove himself to you, you let HIM pursue you from that point on. Don't always make yourself available to him and don't always answer his calls or respond to his texts immediately.

You make him work at this.

If you do that, he will gain respect for you. He will see you through different eyes and this will increase his attraction for you. If you hang back a bit, he will miss you and he will amp up his efforts to see you, spend time with you and be with you.

And you sit back and you let him do just that ;-)

Anonymous said...

Very well said. Wish I saw dis all dis while
Tnx a million tyms 4 letting me know n solving my problem_:)

Anonymous said...

I been dating this man for two months,been haveing sex with him every couple of days, I didn't care about going out dating I was looking at the dates were fine right at his house

Anonymous said...

I only have one of those sings, is it still a red flag?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Usually, I think a combination of a few of them is more of a warning. But that also depends on which red flag it is.

For instance, if a man talks about his ex all the time - that's a pretty big one. If he is aggressive about sex, that's another big one.

But if he avoids eye contact or doesn't remember important events - sometimes that's just a man being a man, LOL. So in that case, a combo of a few of these would be more of an issue to me.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I've enjoy reading your comment and things have strengthen me much.
I have a bit silly story. he was my designing student. He always chatted me at night time (while we'd been working during a night time)I never know that he interest in me until he chatted me and told me that he like me and he said he knew it was wrong because he like his own teacher (He is older than me 2 years). He tried to call me by name instead of teacher, but I always refuse him. After the night he told me this, he deactivate his facebook account. I ask him if it is because of me, but he said No, there are some complicated thing in FB. he started calling me and we have a short talk during a new year countdown night (12:30am). But then, he stop calling me or chat almost 2 weeks, then he range me again with his new number at 2am but I didn't pick up. I got to know it was his new phone number when he sent me sms and calling me again.

he chatted and asked me out for tripping just only with him about 3 times, and I didn't agree with him.
I decided to ask him out for some talk, but he refused to do so and he told me he is so busy as he has to work for 2 company. finally, I called him and ask him directly if what he think about me exactly? he was not so sure about himself, He told me he wants to get to know me more before he goes more further. He told me he is no more my student, so He wants to start with friend...but i know that he is not so confident to talk to me.
so I ask him, do you want to be my boyfriend or friend? he said yes to both question.
I told him just to be confident and honest to talk to me because I don't want to waste my time on a blur thing. At the end, he told me not to think to much about what he wrote to me, because he also wrote this flirting stuff to other.
he could not make it work.Since that night(several days ago), i never ever received his sms, chat or call...and I could not call him again.

I really could not read him,
I don't know what he really think about me?
In my other view, I thought he just play a round with his teacher just like other girls (This make me more upset).

Can you help me with some comment....

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, I think it was like he said - he was interested and toying with the idea of getting to know you - but he was also doing that with other women as well.

I hate to say this, but when you started to pursue him and initiate conversation - I think you scared him off.

Men don't like it when women become the aggressor in a relationship and put them on the spot by asking probing questions. The way you get to know someone is by spending time with them. They can't answer questions like that until they've had the opportunity to do so :-(

Anonymous said...

This man problem of mine had recently admitted that I am just a friend after we had kissed and make out and closed to having sex. I feel so bad about it. I am a friend to him and so devastated but I liked him a lot. I like the sensation being with him, mind, body and heart not saying the same. Can you please help me?

Anonymous said...

Well Thank you so much Mirror, I really appreciate your advise.
After, the day I talked to him, I also felt a bit regret and thought that I scared him off.
I wish i would see your post before I did to him.
I think he already step into my heart, and I don't know if he will be able to connect me again.
I felt so sorry about this too....also, I am not dare to call him first.(wonder what he might think about his teacher?...I am so embarrassed)...now I just wish that he will contact me again.
Do you think, He will start it again?

I know it is a silly thought...:(


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You never know - never say never when it comes to dating, love, life and relationships :-)

Anonymous said...

I've been trying to follow your advice with a man I met through an online dating site.

We communicated back and forth for several weeks before I said yes to a first date. Now, we have been on two dates so far. He's been doing everything right by planning dates that he knows I would enjoy (and making sure I don't have to travel too far to meet him), by being attentive, showing interest, doing all the pursuing and sending a kind thank-you message after each date. He's also not pushing physical intimacy yet (he knows I'm cautious and shy) and he's being very respectful toward me. I get the feeling that he is a "good guy".
I am also being very calm and cool...not appearing overly interested or clingy. I just enjoy the fun dates we have, keeping them short and sweet. I wait for him to contact me and I never call or text him first.

But...at the end of the second date, he asked for a third date and suggested an idea for this future date. I said yes. Then he said, "great, send me a text then". He kissed me on the cheek and we said goodbye.

In this case, should I text him? It feels weird that I would now contact him to arrange the day and time of our next date. What do you think?


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I feel it's strange, too. And I get the impression he's trying to flip back some of the work here on you. Men try to make things easy for themselves and once you give in - it's that way from that day forward. And the woman begins to carry the weight, never know how the man feels and frankly, becomes confused, overwhelmed and frustrated.

I don't suggest doing that. And if you simply feel you must, you say, "Hey" and that's it. When or if he responds (because this could be the beginning of "the game"), you don't mention that date at all. Let HIM bring it up. If he doesn't, drop the conversation.

But honestly, this is where men test women. He wants to know, "Will she pursue me?" "Is she a crazy chic?" "Is she desperate?"

He's feeling you out.

And personally, I feel that when men do this, this is when you flip their little game and YOU test THEM. Will he call you? Will he pursue you? Is he genuinely interested? Or is he leading me, walking me right into something here?

And the only way to find that out, to find out if he's genuinely interested - is to see if he pursues you.

Besides, this doesn't feel right to you - and that's your gut speaking to you. . .you should listen to it. Because if you do this and this guy doesn't respond or he flakes on the date or starts making excuses - you're going to feel like crap about yourself.

And this could be a test on his part to find those things out. If you fail this test, if you call and then he says, "BINGO, she's insecure. She's just like all the rest" - he'll disappear.

Don't give him the opportunity to do that.

Anonymous said...

I've been talking to this guy 7 months now, at first we were serious, but then randomly he just told me "he's not ready for relationship ", I was pissedbecause I got attached and I still really him. So he just said let's talk but not friends with benefits but he still texts me morning texts and he still wants to be all lovie dubbie. I don't understand any of this HELP!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's not worth it. He's already stated that he doesn't want a relationship.

If you DO want a relationship, then this is a lost cause - or simply a friendship at best.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror: it's funny how I can read some of the questions you receive from people and answer them with ease, but I can't do the same for my own issues..;). Here is my question: I use to date a guy and we would see each other at least once a week. He lived about 35 minutes away from each other. One day I suggested maybe we could meet each other half way for dinner during the week. He immediately said he diif he would have time b/c of his work schedule and made some excuses. Looking back I realized that I should have never made the suggestion....that was his role not mine. My question is when a man is really interested in a woman wouldn't want to see her more than once a week? Now, I understand the importance of balance and space but I don't think it's unhealthy if a person wants to see each more.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No once a week is perfectly acceptable as if once every other week. Men do not run towards relationships, nor do they jump into them. When a man does that, it's actually a big red flag.

Pacing a relationship out gives the man his feeling of independence and freedom, gives him the opportunity to miss the woman and gives him time to think and process his feelings for her. And these are all things men need to bond with a woman.

A relationship actually has a better chance of becoming long term when it starts out paced slowly.

Anonymous said...

Ive been talking to this guy online since october, we officially met in january, but on the first nite he came off very strong, we have seen eachother a total of three times in person, the third time was about 3 weeks later. everytime he comes over, he comes off very strongly (sexual), I have told him I wanted to wait and that im not ready, I want us to get to know eachother better. we talk almost everyday and have stated to eachother what were both looking for, I dont want to be a fool again. I just got out of a bad relationship about 8 months ago, I really like this guy but he confuses me, he says he really likes me but doesnt make a better attempt to come see me in person, he has stated that he feels comfortable around me like he has known me his whole life which was odd because I felt the same way, but he said it before I could. Ive done good so far, ive been celibate for over 2 years and am ready sexually but dont want to give in to fast and to the wrong person, is this a red flag that he no good for me or am i just overthinking this whole situation

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No, you're not over analyzing the situation - you're gut is speaking to you, and you're listening.

When a guy comes on strong with sex, it's a red flag that he's pushing his agenda. And his agenda is to get laid, to have sex with you.

"he confuses me, he says he really likes me but doesnt make a better attempt to come see me in person"

That's another red flag - his actions are NOT lining up with his words. If he truly did like you as much as he says he does, then he would definitely make more time to see you.

I fear he's attempting to fast track you into the bedroom - and then he'll disappear on you.

Don't let that happen here. If a man is genuinely interested, he will stick around and work at it. He will call when he says he will, he will make time to see you, he will ask you out on dates - and he will be patient with you.

When a man does the opposite and focuses only on what's in it for him, when he focuses on the "rewards" only - it's not a good sign :-(

And when dating online, you have to be even MORE careful of watching out for this. Because men who date online are having it WAY to EASY with women throwing themselves at the men. Thinking that if they sleep with them, this man will like them. But the reality when dating online is that they ARE dating other women and doing the SAME EXACT THING with them, too:


Many of the men that are dating online are serial daters - plowing their way through the women there.

And in this case, you're questioning his behavior because as a woman, you're instinct is noticing that something is "off" about him.

That's your gut speaking to you - and you should listen to it ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror and to Ms. Anonymous above,

I will comment as I am on the same path,although, my experience is a bit different. This fellow is my workmate and we have been "friends" and he often visit my apartment. The first visits were very "friendly" and it took some months for this to become steamy. The very thing which confuses me is he never mentioned what he feels to me but my feelings to him is growing. I should have not let it grow but it did, he really seems to be a very likable guy. I have learned of ex gf stories and he later mentioned he do not want a relationship. For some reason, the ex gf came to know about me and hunt me to the point she told me stories - bad ones of him and which I could not imagine to be him as he appeared to be the different person I know. The gal told me that he have a dating profile in this website and I should check it. I made an account in that just to confirm but never really looked. I still did not believe the ex but distanced a little bit to the guy but the distance have made my feelings of wanting him grow and then the last time we talked with each other it has been closed to being sexual. At the end of it and my promise to be celibate and not do any past mistakes I hold myself this time. Gut feeling says it was not right yet. He said he understand my feelings and he will not push with it and have no intentions to hurt me. I was happy when he left but the next days we did not communicate well till now. I have then went back to the dating website and saw him always active there and read a very wonderful profile saying he wanted to find that someone he will be with day in and day out. I find myself defeated and sorry why I have let my feelings grow and why I still want him this very moment and wanted to share those moment again. I am always tempted to call him but I keep stopping myself. I am in trouble and hope I will find ways to get over this feeling. I hope that Ms. Anonymous did not meet a similar guy to the man I have given my heart.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe how sexist some of these "red flag" explanations are. Its 2013, stop with the sexist gender roles already. A man isn't a cash register.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Stop with the sexist gender roles? Why? As a man, would you prefer to be treated like a lady? Maybe have a woman ask you on a date and buy you dinner and flowers, LOL?

Or as a woman, would you prefer to behave as a man? Giving off dominant, masculine energy like a dude and buying some submissive man a dinner, LOL?

A cash register? Are you serious with that one? I'm not talking diamonds and furs here my friend. I mean - in this day and age, women can buy their own dinners if they want. So why the hell would they be treating a man like a "cash register" for some dumb damn dinner? That's absolutely hysterical.

You're obviously overlooking the subtleties and dynamics that take place between men and women when dating. It's not about money. It's about SHOWING THE WOMAN RESPECT and actually BEING A MAN.

Every man wants sex and every woman wants romance - and that hasn't changed for eons my friend. Women are impressed by romance and men want sex. If a man wants sex, the best way to receive it - is to romance the woman.

All I'm saying here is - FULFILL EACH OTHERS NEEDS.

Men aren't attracted to dominant, masculine energy - women are. And women aren't attracted to soft, submissive energy - men are.

The only men that like aggressive women - ARE PLAYERS that prefer an easy strike and move on 3 weeks later.

As a woman, if you prefer to carry yourself as a dude instead of a lady and you prefer to wear the pants in the relationship - all you're going to become to a man is a "F**k buddy." His "buddy" (dude, masculine) - not his girlfriend (woman, feminine).

The only two references to money with regards to anything above are concerning traditional dating - dinners, movies, etc. And those aren't activities that cost a million bucks here, LOL.

It's a sad day when a man can't even show a woman a little bit of respect by taking her on a real date.

And those gender roles - yea - when it comes to dating, they're still the same. They haven't changed in eons. That's the way Mother Nature intends it - man leads, woman submits. Sure, women can act like men in their careers and their work world - but what kinda man wants their woman to be a dude in the relationship, in the bedroom, and behind closed doors in their private world? A weak one - that's what kinda man desires a woman like that. And what kinda woman wants to date a weak man? A dominant one.

Women can be women in their day jobs - but with their man - they should BE A WOMAN and let their MAN BE A MAN.

Weather you like it or not, in love and relationships - that's the way Mother Nature intended it my friend.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Here's a bit of additional insight on the yin and yang of masculine and feminine energy and the importance of it:

"You find that a woman who was initially perfectly happy with a man with too much fluidity, creativity, sensitivity, introspection, and nurturing now starts complaining about his inability to take the lead, make hard decisions, take risks, be adventurous, etc. She now wants him to express more masculine energy to balance off her escalating feminine energy."

"A man who initially was perfectly happy with a woman who was aggressive, forceful and who brought more action and firmness into his life now starts complaining about her bossiness and controlling behaviours, constant judgemental attitude and nit-picking, insensitivity, emotional aloofness etc."

The entire article:


So you see, whether you like it or not - traditional gender roles still matter and are still in place deep within our psyches.

Particularly when it comes to love and relationships.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Ugh, typo. I meant to say:

"Women can be men in their day jobs - but with their man - they should BE A WOMAN and let their MAN BE A MAN."

anon said...

@ "Well, that may have been due to the fact that in that instant, where you let the nasty remark fly, you were running off your emotions. And emotions scare men. They don't understand them, because they don't have them to the depth that women do, and to men, they appear as weakness, which is unattractive to them."

You have no clue how men work. We aren't scared of emotions. We just don't feel the need to waste our day talking about them. If something really bothers us we spend some alone time and figure out what we want or if we can't figure things out we talk to our long time friends that we trust. Your confusing being sensitive for lacking emotion.

In my opinion men have a better understanding of emotions and know how to deal with them in less wasteful or destructive ways. Either way men and women just deal with emotions in a different ways. Women deal with emotions more like a child does, not really ladies faults they were raised that way by society. Okay, princess?

Men live for 2 things sex and positive emotions.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Okay, princess?"

Name calling, eh? Getting a little personal, aren't we?

And, respectfully, I beg to differ on this one:

"We aren't scared of emotions."

When a woman's emotions are such that she is saying nasty things and screaming - I believe, that men are indeed scared of those emotions.

Fear "sets in" with men after witnessing a woman in an emotional display like. The fear of future displays, the fear over her mental/emotional state, the fear of her demands as a woman, the fear of disappointing her or enraging her again - it's all fear.

And that fear can then become a deal breaker.

Additionally, insecure men that are emotionally immature are indeed scared of emotions. Emotionally immature men do not like to explore the world of emotion and when someone is emotionally immature and insecure, they shut down and withdraw - from their emotions.

Emotionally immature people block emotions off out of the fear of having to face them. They suppress emotions - they do not express them. And the avoidance is generated out of fear.

Anonymous said...

im confused. I worked with this guy for over three years. We did everything together on the clock and off. We have dinner every night, and we would talk on the phone for hours. My friends and his friends began asking why were we not dating. Yes I have to admit I made the mistake and even asked him out, which of course he told me no. I backed off, not taking every phone and hang out session that I could. I wanted to try to save our friendship, and not let him see how much he did hurt me.
Eventually I was offered another job, and we still talk often.
Here is where Im so lost. When we go out, even now, he picks up my check every now and then. He calls to invite me to stuff, but then stuff that he knows I would love to go to, he forgets me.
But supposely he always asks our mutual friends how Im doing, and im like, "no he did not."
Last week we were out and he would stay rather close to me, accidently brushing my arm now and then. The other day, we went to lunch with his brother. He always sits on the same side as his brother, but that day, he sat next to me. And again, he would accidently brush my leg. My friends think he has always liked me, but because we worked together, he felt it best to not to date. And now we don't work together, he is trying to change that.
I don't know. Its been two years…if he really felt that way, why didn't he just ask. Im afraid that my gut is right that he is just not that into me…

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well it sounds like there's something there and it also sounds like he's a been a gentlemen. (I'm so glad we're finally talking about more gentlemen here girls, LOL ;-)

But before you freak out or get excited or try to devise ways to move this along faster - just sit back, relax, breath, smile - and let him be a man. Give him plenty of space, time and leeway and let this unfold naturally, in it's own sweet time.

Don't worry about the finish line, sweetie - enjoy the journey ;-)

utterlyconfused said...

hi Mirror! really like your advices about how to handle and beware of such men..i fell prey to a guy online..we chatted fr around three months on fb and whatsapp... i had no clue about men's gaming techniques and so could not detect even one of the red flags above...yes..he was very strong at the beginning..giving away hints about long term n marriage...once or twice he did mention he wanted a platonic frndship but i being clueless ignored it n fell hard for his trap...there was this ex he was obsessed with..n like u said he kept bringing her up saying she was the best...wuts more.two months into thrchatting, he introduced his frnd online...even though i sensed sonthng wrong but i still added the frnd...soon aftr that this guy pulled the disappearing act...n during conversation wid his frnd, the frnd accidentally slipped out something which i had said to him..somthng of an intimate nature...clearly showing that both of them had been fooling me together and sharing my chat wid each other...every single msg..i was devastated...i was momentarily overwhelmed n i started calling out names to both of them..but worse than that..i did all what i wasnt supposed to wen he said he couldnt carry on talking and that i was only a frnd not girlfrnd...and after the kind of language i used with him, he couldnt stay in touch anymore... i begged him, cried over fone..pleaded with him to not do that :( whch scared him further away... he blocked me frm all channels n turned his fone off.. i went thru a very tough tym getting over him...and just wen i thought i was finally getting over, there he is again after about seven months,,, sending me messages..i responded in a somewhat indifferent manner initially telling him i got over him..he told me he got engaged..n that he came back bcoz i was a fun person, he liked talking to me... while also mentioning sarcastically about his frnd too.. i m so naive i sort of fell fr his trap again n knowing theres gona b no long term, i initiated contact for a few days...thank heavens i came across this page n since after he had deciphered that i m still into him, he again started blowing hot n cold....to wch i hav now reacted by using no contact since four days...now its him saying hi n sending me jokes n all ..but i just politely respond by saying hey..how r u..n thats all.. but fact is my feelings fr him hav rekindeled after he reappeared :( i m doing my best to keep up wid little or minimal contact...wut do i do :(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Utterly Confused,
Forget him. I know it's hard, but you need to do this for YOU'RE own good.

This man's toying with you, he's engaged - and he's speaking to you. What does that tell you about this man? Do you think his fiance' would be happy to know that?

It speaks to his character - and doesn't say anything good about him. Additionally, the fact that he brought his friend in on this to take to toying with you as well - is a real jag off move. Not only that, it's cruel.

Again, another character flaw in this man. You can't even trust him, and apparently, his fiance' shouldn't be trusting him either . . . if there truly even is one.

He's a liar, he's shady, he's a game player and he's cruel. None of which are traits of a good man, a gentlemen.

You need to see him for what he is and cease fantasizing about what you think he "might" be. One is reality, the other is fantasy. Focus on the reality here because the fantasy is just that - a fantasy.

utterlyconfused said...

yeah u are right...but i soooo wana tell him.what a bastard he is :( i was sweet with him.even after all that.... i want to hurt him.back too :( is there no way? i wana scream out loud that he was cruel to me and i wil not talk.to him again bcoz of this...i hv been sweet to him again...n tried sounding friendly... i know i ll forget him sometime in the future...but for now while he is trying to make me speak up again.wut do i do? :( he shouldnt just b allowed to get away like that ;( and why do u think has he come back.anothr thing i forgot telling u is that during the first month of chatting, he got my call and text record frm the fone company and even told me the name of the guy i had been casually texting at that tym...i m pretty sure he is doing the same now and by the way there is this other guy now who i m good frnds wid and he ll com to know thrre is someone in my life...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Utterly Confused,
"i want to hurt him.back too :( is there no way?"

Yea - completely ignore him.

"i wanna scream out loud that he was cruel to me and i will not talk.to him again becoz of this"

Do that and he'll label you "crazy" and "emotional" and he'll know he got to you. He'll know he's won. Don't give him that satisfaction and control those emotions.

"i have been sweet to him again"

That's the problem here. You're too nice. And when a woman is too nice and makes herself too available to a man, it tends to invite poor, ignorant treatment from them. They'll turn you into a doormat.

"wut do i do?"

No contact. Ignore him:


"he got my call and text record frm the fone company and even told me the name of the guy i had been casually texting at that tym."

He sounds EXTREMELY emotionally immature. And the information he's seeking - he wants to use against you, to hurt you.

He has some real issues as a man and some serious character flaws.

"there is this other guy now who i m good frnds wid and he ll com to know thrre is someone in my life..."

Oh well. You're entitled to speak to whomever you like. You don't have to answer to this guy, you're not committed to him, you owe him nothing and he's supposedly engaged to another women, so what's he care?

He sounds very immature, very shady, very sneaky - again, many character flaws as a man here.

He's not a man - he's a "man child."

This is what real men, true gentlemen look like sweetie:


And I imagine he doesn't resemble anything even close to that.

utterlyconfused said...

thanx mirror...i owe u a lot :) i know he can never be the one for me...but just being curious...do guys like these ever mend their ways and fall for the girl they hv hurt n used if she ignores them ...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Utterly Confused,
Sure, it happens. It's not a guarantee, but it does happen.

Adia said...

I met a man online about a month ago who lives out of state. During our first conversation, he mentioned that he would be in my town the weekend and requested if we could meet for lunch. I agreed. He came and we had a really good time. Later that evening, he came back over and again, we had a really good time talking and getting to know each other. We've continued to communicate and last week he invited me to his place. He gave me his credit card number to purchase the ticket and extended an "open invitation" to his place on two occasions. When I arrived, he took me to his place where he had prepared lunch for me with White Wine (after asking my preference) and he went to a meeting for his work leaving me alone. He holds a high position with a Fortune 500 company and has been there for 15 years +. When he came back, we were intimate. Later that evening, he cooked dinner for us. He was very attentive, constantly kissing me while cooking making sure I wanted for nothing. The next day he apologized to me for not getting up early enough to make me breakfast - which since he had to work I should have made him breakfast. I did ask, but he didn't want anything. When I left, he told me to have his shirt that I wore after our moment of intimacy and has since said he want something of mine and can't wait til he sees me again. I really like him and I'm really holding back the reigns because online dating is new for me and I know that I can be very passionate and I don't want to unleash just yet. As much as I like him, I don't call him. In fact, in the one month, I've called him 3 times one of which was to let him know that I'd arrived and where would he be parked. We text, but not everyday. He is high energy and his job is stressful as he is in finance and involves stocks etc.,. So I try don't bother him although he says to text him anytime. If he's saying it's ok to text him, how would this be a turn off when obviously he wants to hear from me and does this sound like a man who is sincere in building a relationship with me. We have both agreed that if we see this hasn't gone anywhere in 90 days, that we will go our separate ways. Your thoughts?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, a strange thing happens when women make themselves too available to a man . . . it tends to invite poor treatment from them (i.e. they begin to take you for granted and stop treating you as special).

It's much better to let a man be a man (masculine, leader) and a woman be a women (feminine, submissive). Even if they invite you to do otherwise, this tends to topple things - like the natural order of things (gender roles). When a woman takes the lead she begins to exhibit masculine energy, and men are not attracted to masculine energy.

I've read many, many stories here from women who have had the same types of invitation for communication from men . . . only to end up questioning why the man suddenly faded off into the distance after she did so weeks later.

I can't explain exactly why this happens, but I've seen it time and time again. And I always tell women - don't fall for that trap. The man may think he wants to hear from you, but there's just something about women taking the lead (and I think it's the masculine energy that does it) that makes men pull back.

And many men who invite this communication from women and then suddenly lose interest - don't even know why it happened. They don't realize that by doing that, they're actually going to become turned off by it eventually.

It's just not the natural order of things and I think that even though it sounds like a great idea at the time - men eventually become turned off to it (yet don't even know why).

It just happens.

And I discussed the concept of this natural, biological, deeply ingrained masculine versus feminine concept here:


About letting men be men and women be women. It's important when it comes right down to it. Subconsciously, men associate a women initiating contact as "pursuit." And then they associate "pursuit" with "relationship and commitment."

And that's when, weeks after he invited you to begin contacting him . . he suddenly and without warning (and without even knowing why himself) begins to say stuff like, "I just don't know if I'm ready for a relationship right now" or "My work has become very demanding and I just don't think I have time for a relationship right now."

That's what usually follows after they get a taste of what being in a "relationship" with the woman would be like. Because when the woman starts to initiate communication with the man, the man begins to associate that with a "relationship" - it begins to feel like a relationship to him - and then that's when the excuses start flowing.

So I consider those invites to communicate a "trap" of sorts - that set things up to go haywire suddenly and without warning and explanation.

Again, I can only speculate as to why this phenomenon occurs - but there are countless stories in the comments on many of the posts here that say, "He asked me to text him, I did, and he didn't answer. It's been 4 days." And, "He asked me to call him, I started doing so, and now he's not sure if he wants a relationship with me."

A regular contributor to the community here by the name of Peter even confided once that when women would pursue him and contact him, he was turned off - but didn't understand why.

It just happens and I think it's because it's not the natural order of things.

Anonymous said...

hi i met this guy over a year a half ago and we slept together i realised that was all he after so distanced myself from him for about 9 months. I see him again and he has invited me out for dinner how do i know if he wants to be friends or more. how do i not sleep with him when i already have what do i say at the end of the night when he drops me off? I dont just want to be a friend with bennifits i either will be a friend or take it to a relationship but i dont want to rush into a reltionship either as i have a six year old i feel it is important to do things right please help .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"how do i know if he wants to be friends or more"

You make him work at this. You don't jump into his lap and answer every call or respond to every single text 3 minutes later. You pull back and put some distance there - and see if he's willing to work at it and put some effort into it.

If he fades, he was only half interested or seeking free and easy sex. If he keeps coming at you, then it's safe to take a step forward - but just a step, not a leap.

"how do i not sleep with him when i already have"

Easy. You just say no. You're not obligated to fulfill his sexual needs. And you certainly don't fulfill a man's sexual needs until and unless he's fulfilled your needs as a woman (pursued you and romanced, respected you).

"what do i say at the end of the night when he drops me off?"

You simply say, "I had a great night, gimmie' a call sometime."

And you throw the ball back in HIS court - for HIM to DO something - to take ACTION and man up - or flake out. Choice is his.

Anonymous said...

Hi. Thanks for this article.
I actually left a guy for many of the above red flags (he was avoiding eye contact, going to the gym rather than spending the afternoon with me, not introducing me to his friends, not listening to what I was saying, went to a party for NYE without me, always talking about his ex, etc...). After I left him, he called me then a few times and asked me to explain why I dumped him. So I gave him facts about his behaviour, and told him that I wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me. He then replied that he acted like that because he was just like that, that he spent time on social networks and mobile rather than talking to me because he could entertain himself and didnt need someone to do so. And when I told him that I didnt have the feeling that he wanted to know me as he wasnt not listening or spending time (outside of bed) with me, he replied that relationship took time (?!!!!). Then we parted ways but a few weeks later, he messgaed me on my Bday "Sorry wasnt in touch. Happy Birthday".
I thought men were easy to figure out, but I seriously dont understand him. Is it that he doesnt want a relationship with me or that he doesnt respect women or...? In either case, I'm better off without him. But I do like him and would like to figure him out :) Thanks in advance for your opinion/advice.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think what you have there is a clear case of "man boy" syndrome - entitlement without earning or proving himself.

He has an immature attitude of, "Hey, that's how I am." Meaning, "Hey, I'm a selfish a-hole, that's just the way it is. I don't care about what you need, I care about what I need." LOL ;-)

And yes, relationships take time - but TWO people still need to INVEST that time into them to make them work.

He wants you to do the work here and then sit tight and wait for him to do whatever he feels like here.

He's not investing anything into this, but is expecting a lot out of it.

Sorry pal, you get what you give. And when you don't give a crap, neither does anyone else, LOL.

This piece will explain the "man boy" concept - and the best part is, it's written by a MAN:


Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for your reply :) Yes thats exactly what i thought he was: a true child! But do those types of 'boy' grow up? I just have no idea of how I should behave with him. At the beginning, I was getting pissed, I even left him all alone in a restaurant once. Lately I tried to be sweet and patient, talking (not arguing). Nothing has worked.

Now we don't date anymore. And he probably got the wrong message, as in 'she left me, she doesnt want to be with me'.
But I'd like to let him know that I do like him and if he makes some efforts, I'd like to try again and see if it can work out between us.
But yeah, if I blatantly tell him that, he will probably not find me attractive anymore or use my feelings for his "own needs", or think that I wanna change him. How should I let him know that? And will he ever grow up and be a man who cares about my needs as a woman?

Thanks for your help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"How should I let him know that?"

He already knows that, you don't have to spell it out for him. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have gotten upset. ;-)

"He probably got the wrong message, as in 'she left me, she doesnt want to be with me'."

No. The message he got is that you won't tolerate poor treatment from him. And that's a message he needed to hear. Do not let your insecurities take control and force you to start to second guess yourself here.

"I'd like to let him know that I do like him and if he makes some efforts, I'd like to try again and see if it can work out between us."

He already knows that. Again, you don't have to spell things out for men, they know, they're not stupid. And it doesn't matter how much YOU want to try. If HE doesn't want to, nothing you do is going to change that.

"And will he ever grow up and be a man who cares about my needs as a woman?"

Not overnight, LOL. And maybe never. That all depends on the individual themselves and whether or not they decide to work towards self-improvement.

No contact and silence speaks more than you could ever say in words to a man - and it makes them THINK:


Anonymous said...

The Art of Bliss
I love my life!
You could drop in for tea or a beer, and leave feeling relieved or upset. But no matter what tea or beer brand I served you drank from it and you made the choice. So you came, partook and you leave with your choice. If you take on full responsibility for your inner emotions, you will never be upset with anyone for the rest of your life.
A lover, I take, he takes, we take, I give, he gives, we give. Now even if its for a day or a lifetime, it's important. It's not a game people, it's not mirroring, it's not anything but which you decide to make it.
dwell on this if you will. What was the power of coming together with this person?
If it makes you question yourself, than that may be why you allowed it. If it was to vent and be validated than you allowed that also. If it was shear bliss and happiness, be thankful. But to think one has to go around testing people, to be watching the calendar, to be caged and strangled by their computers and email and phones, then you should ask yourself what is the lesson to freedom.
When was the last time you hugged a baby or petted a dog and thought. Well you better give me a hug and a pat someday?
Sounds ridiculous doesn't it.
I'm not talking about all; on your head yoga,zen, kundalini, eat drink and pray, remedies for manifestation. I think I'm talking about gratitude. For lessons learned through kindness or deceit. The acceptance and flow of just being a you. If without your significant other there is turmoil, anger, loneliness, what you should ask is, "why". 3 letters of clarity.
Then center yourself, feel your feel, no assumptions, no blame, just inner revelations.
A practice towards everyone for the next while, would be "thank you" I've confused and blown away people with this oddity. Often building strong relationships with others. Much growth in that other than playing games. And much release of burden upon your soul. When you send out love thoughts and good feelings and tenderness it will be heard firstly by yourself. Your life will change in an instant. And you will no longer need games, schedules and yearning and demands.
You will have YOU and they will have the best of you. That is the goal. Create in your mind every encounter of every day a surprise. Wow, it's you cool! It is free and it is the best form of unconditional love. I'm so glad to see you from the bottom of your heart moves mountains.
And don't distract your life that is bad for you.
Distracting your life from doing what you want to do or say is not what will bring anyone near you. It will push them away. Live your life with passion, with mystery and intrigue. That will invite others of interest and sharing and blessings and engagement and meaning. Don't wait for love or to give love. Become love. Life will be amazing when you become love. And then create your masterpiece, your own world. I place the cup of love infront of me. I offer love freely. If you drink or not is your choice, but I offer it anyway. Best wishes and love to all those on their paths. Can you feel that?

Anonymous said...

Thanks. This is February 16th - 12:48, a/k/a Adia. I found your response, but it was somewhat baffling. I state in my comment that I don't call him and don't text though he says he wants me to and the response was concentrated on why I should not initiate communication with him- when I don't call him. Perhaps this was an oversight.

Here was my question(s) in the closing of my comment: If he's saying it's ok to text him, how would this be a turn off when obviously he wants to hear from me (This was answered and I thank you so much) and does this sound like a man who is sincere in building a relationship with me. We have both agreed that if we see this hasn't gone anywhere in 90 days, that we will go our separate ways. Your thoughts?

The question, does this sound like a man who is sincere in building a relationship with me wasn't addressed. If you have the time and wouldn't mind, could you respond to this please? Again, I don't initiate our communication and I don't express any emotion when we speak. He seems like a decent guy, but my radar is up and this is why I'm not chasing him down with any form of communication. Number one, because he's very busy and number 2, thanks to you, I've learned that it's a turn-off for men. I know it's old fashioned, but it's the way I was raised not to chase a man. If he's interested, he'll come to you and so far that's been the case, even to the point of giving me his credit card information to make a reservation to come see him. I really appreciate your insight and celebrate you for helping many women to save themselves. Thanks again!

Adia said...

VERY WELL STATED Anonymous February 15th - 11:16 PM. I echo your sentiment. I've learned that with men, NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING! If he as not ASKED or made himself CRYSTAL CLEAR to you that he WANTS to be in a relationship, then, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, you are NOT in a relationship (in my Maury voice). The best gift you can give to yourself is to keep those emotions in check and don't lie to yourself. Don't ever ignore that "gut feeling," it doesn't lie and is sparring you from disappointment, heartache and heartbreak later down the road. You may cry a few tears, but let them flow and allow yourself to be emotionally and mentally cleansed and don't ever forget what this feels like so you won't put yourself through it ever again. Love and Celebrate self FIRST, by any means necessary!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Does this sound like a man who is sincere in building a relationship with me?"

A man's ACTIONS signal his interest, not his WORDS. So regardless of what he's requesting and/or saying, it's his actions that tell the tale and they are the thing to focus on (not his words).

So if he's pursuing you, initiating communication with you, requesting dates, making time to see you and treating you respectfully - then yes, that signifies a genuine interest from the man.

Anything short of that and I'd have to say he's undecided and possibly only half interested.

Adia said...

Thanks MOA! I appreciate that and I agree wholeheartedly. So far he's doing all the above and he treats me royally. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, the celebration of life continues. Thanks so much again for your assistance. I have to refer some friends to you since they think I'm too raw with truth. Thanks and TTYS!

Anonymous said...

Hey miror!

I've been analyzing my last comment to him (thanks boo) now im wondering if I should have said nething at all...

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I am in gutters, yes my dating with this man was just 6 weeks but it was intense, both of us not young. Am divorced and his is undergoing divorce so when going to bed with a mature person is not important. The flags definitely are interesting, I'm now in a confused state. He has been honest with me, said he was going thru a divorce that he would live with his ex until his daughter was big enough (now 15) and after his retirement in 3 years. He is back in his country with his soon to be ex and has been in touch however although he told me that he was ready to emotionally move on, my gut says he is still stuck on her while she brings home her bf. He skyped once but said altho its ok with his ex he does not seem to like it as there is no privacy. I don't know if i should be there to support him through his confused state of mind and emotion and let myself also suffer or should i be selfish and walk away and save myself from getting hurt. He still considers me his friend and lover which is ok but I think i am getting emotionally attached and don't want to get hurt.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Honey, walking away to spare yourself grief and pain at another's hand is not selfish. The definition of selfishness is "chiefly concerned with one's own personal profit or pleasure."

You're not going to profit or receive pleasure from walking away - you're simply looking out for yourself by doing so. You were not put on this earth to suffer misery in order to make a man happy - your happiness counts, too.

This is a relationship that can go nowhere:

"he would live with his ex until his daughter was big enough (now 15) and after his retirement in 3 years."

He's obviously never going to leave her as he's planning on staying even after his retirement - so there's simply no future here :-(

Anonymous said...

I see my last comment but not the original...smh at my mac...At any rate...quick recap. I met a guy at the start of December...we talked consistently and he asked me out however i didn't go because I had various obligations. He knows im not a texter and he was cool with that he said it was breath of fresh air...i don't feel like i can connect with people without hearing their voice...Our last real convo was three hours...we talked at length before but this was different...we just clicked. After we got off the phone he text me...we went to sleep woke up and started texting again. lol He called me a "lame" playfully and I said but you talked to me for three hours tho -__- and ever since then we have not had a real convo. He did invite me to a bulls game the next day but I couldn't attend I was hosting an event...but i told him to call me afterward and he said he would. He text me saying that he would have to take a raincheck he was tired.

Anonymous said...

CONT I replied ok i understand sweet dreams. After that he became more distant or "busy" as he likes to say. That of course made me pursue him a bit more..(i started initiating more contact) mistake i know. Nothing crazy..just over a course of a week I might have text him every two days...I told him tho in the last text " don't nobody care about your schedule unless im in it ;) and then i was like good luck with ur event i kno ur hardwork will be fruitful." he said that was sweet for once...im kinda a smart ass lol and he was like he tried to include me in his schedule but i was too busy..and now the rest of his month is booked...mind you it was only jan 12th or something...that REALLY annoyed me...but i basically told him if he didnt have plans to see me till next month he cud not talk to me...but i said it with humor.

Anonymous said...

Cont He goes calm down (altho i was calm...he's a smart ass 2) and told me to put my big girl pants on...and that he never said he would't see for the rest of the month..alto imo thats EXACTLY what he said. At any rate i left it alone and i told him i was having a staycation in the city with my girls. After they had left i called him one night and said we should chill (i know i should't have initiated that but he had asked me out so many times with me declining for various reasons) At any rate he came over we chilled, watched a documentary and became intimate. This was exactly 5weeks after we met. The sex was OK for me but he loved it...I liked HIM so i decided that i'd still talk to him...that night he text me like *sigh* goodtimes. I wasn't in the mood for pleasantries so i text him back " :) goodnight" to which he didn't reply. I felt bad so the next day I called him we talked for a bit and I told him i had to go. He knows my schedule is busy so he asked b4 i hung up when I was done for the day...I told him and he was like he was going to call me that night. i said ok..and he goes "did you just said YOU KNOW" in a crazy tone...so i told him he was crazy and I said ok. Normally i'd would say something smart like yeah i did what are u going to to do about it...but he was so irate about it I didn't even wanna joke with him. I dunno he might have control issues...

Anonymous said...

CONT Newayz the appointed time came and went so I called him ( i kno i kno). he doesn't answer...so i text him like that was on purpose ( i have a habit of pocket dialing people) and that i was in a bad mood. He replies back an hr later like no it wasn't ( he thought i thought he had sent me to voicemail) and if your in a bad mood i'll just talk to you later. im going to bed So i go "are u slow". I explained that i had called him on purpose and my bad mood was work related and I wasn't planning on taking it out on him He goes ok miscomunication but im still going to bed. So after that we don't talk for 5 days. He texts me on a Friday like sorry i've been MIA but we should catch up sometime this weekend. I replied 4hrs later like "sounds like a plan :) " he texts me Sunday after the superbowl...which pissed me off. I was annoyed because when some1 says "catchup" you don't do it via text..either that means you wanna see me or ur gonna call me...who plans a text date?? The very purpose of texts is that one can reply at ones leisure. Anyways he asks me this elaborate question and I called him. He does't answer and says he's busy "writing" and im like oh okay just call me when your free then. so he goes are u THAT anti text why can you just text it. So i go whats ur deal with calling...I told you its too much to text. Then he goes well im not tryna get sucked into another 3hr convo (which is crazy because it takes TWO 2 converse and i kno he enjoyed the convo cuz as soon as we got off the phone he started texting me...i guess he didn't like that fact i teased him about it ) I just ignored the comment tho and i go i cud be waaay off base but if ur feeling weird about talking to me we can 1000 percent friendzone this...i think ur smart and SLIGHTLY humorous and we can leave it at that ;)" He replied that i was overthinking and that he's fine with me and then he's like i find it funny you can text all that but not what i asked you. So i go find it funny your so busy but your still texting ME. And he was like i am busy but i can text periodically. However there was nothing "periodic"about that convo and the ONLY thing he was "writing" was the next text he wanted to send...but i digress. I told him i was going to bed gl with his writing. Then said sidenote..why would you say you wanted to catch up and you KNOW you were going to busy and I hate texting. Your petty, but im sure you know that already. Sweet dreams :D ! He never replied and text me a WEEK and a HALF later talkin bout Happy Valentines Day LOL. That annoyed me LOL??? You don't talk to me for almost two weeks and RIGHT on midnight u send me a happy vday text wit a LOL...clown. So i wrote back Thanks Boo ;). I never said nething afterwards he didn't say nething else and its been a week. What do u think MOA...should i have just ignored him?? I felt if i hadn't said nething he would have thought i was pissed and i didn't wanna give him the satisfaction. Is all hope lost are we both 2 stubborn for our own good? He didn't even ask me vday plans... i feel like he's trying to piss me off. If it matters ima cancer and he is a scorpio. sidenote scopio men USUALLY love me. That actually wasn't that quick lol i appreciate any insight into this thanks!! :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Honestly, the situation sounds toxic to me, as if there's a power struggle taking place between you. I would cut my loses and remove myself from a situation that is going nowhere.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the quick reply...what makes you think its going "nowhere". I def recognize the power struggle...I guess I could work on being more submissive since thats what men prefer newayz.

Anonymous said...

I know its strange but i love that he challenges me...my last relationship was almost TOO easy no passion. Thanks again

Anonymous said...

i met this guy went to his place had a few too many drinks had a great time plus yes i had sex with him he says that i interest him but he doesnt respond to any msges or calls what after i commented in a msge that i got the hint and asked if i did somethng wrong he finally replied by telling me that he lost his email work his shorting his checks and truck needed to be fix so i apologized and he says you dont even know me so y ru sorry then he said just mellow im confused what do i do?

Anonymous said...

So ive been talkin to this guy for a lil over a yr now an were pretty good friends. Well i ended up developing a crush on him an didnt know how to tell him hed been fliring alot like things changed with us, so my friend(guy friend) talked to him an he said he didnt like me "thats just how he is" well recently we talked about how my friend talked to him cuz he didnt know that i knew that my friend talked to him an he like insisted i tell him what i thought so i did and he told me he does like me he thinks im pretty an nice he really does he just"doesnt think something serious would work" an agin he asked me what i thought an i told him, he recently moved a few hrs away soo told him that "that was the point in tryin it out but u moved so it doesnt matter anyway" well now hes all over me. He does text me first an always andwers right away when i text him but that just lost me. Any advice???? Btw my name is Sierra sorry if that was confusing

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, Feb 22, 10:21 PM,
"what do i do?"

Nothing dear. You can't make a man love you or want to be in a relationship with you.

You wait for the man to come to you. You wait to see if he's genuinely interested or not. A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out, he will pursue you.

A man that isn't genuinely interested won't attempt to contact you - in which case you have your answer and you walk away and save yourself any further pain or confusion.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

That's because men prefer to pursue women. They don't like it when it's the other way around. It makes them feel pressured and as a result, they pull away. When your friend talked to him, he felt pressured. When it came up between you two, he felt pressured.

But when you agreed with him and acted as if you could care less and somewhat walked away from him - BAM. Now he's pursuing you.

If I were you, I'd hang back here. Don't make yourself too available to him. Don't answer all of his calls, don't contact him and don't respond to any of his texts right away. Pull back a bit.

The more you pull back - the less pressure he'll feel - and it will draw him to you.

Anonymous said...

I don't agree with all of these red flags, particularly where the author suggests the woman should never ask for a date, or offer to pay for anything. This seems very backward in my view, especially where the woman is earning as much or more than the man. A person who never pays for anything is a gold digger, and therefore only good for one thing. However I would view a woman who asks me out after the first date or 2 as someone who is simply interested, not as someone who is easy. Ditto with baking cakes, doing the occasional favour etc - these are just nice things that people do for each other when they're in a relationship. Is it a relationship that the author of this article wants or 2 people living separate lives or a pimp/whore relationship?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"This seems very backward in my view, especially where the woman is earning as much or more than the man."

And I imagine that's because your view is backwards (Hi L) and is a modern day view, one that promotes female masculinity and male femininity - one that is skewed. Regardless of the times we live in, gender roles will never change - men are men, women are women - and as such, each has different needs.

I realize that in modern times, the concept of fulfilling someone's needs rarely comes into play anymore - but many men still sure are focused on fulfilling their needs (sex) without fulfilling the woman's in any way, shape or form (romance).

It's a known fact that a man's ability to provide (not his wealth, his ability as a provider) is directly tied to his masculinity. Therefore, women on a deeply primal, subconscious level will view a man that fails to be a good provider as less of a man. Money has nothing to do with it - the ability to provide is what's at stake - the man's masculinity is what's at stake.

There has to be a natural balance of energy in a relationship - yin and yang - masculine and feminine. Why modern day men think it's okay to let a woman pick up a tab during the courtship (dating) phase and let women court them like a man by providing for them (exhibit submissive, feminine energy) I will never understand.

And why modern day women feel it's okay to slip into the masculine role when dating (provider, leader) is equally mystifying to me.

I'm not talking about gold digging here - this isn't about diamonds and furs, fast cars and million dollar homes - it's about the ability to be a provider (exhibit masculine energy).

Back in the days of the caveman, the man who was the best hunter, provided the warmest furs, had a nice cave and kept food on the table - he got all the cave babes. He wasn't a RICH man - he was a good PROVIDER.

Whether you like it or not, this is how women are genetically programmed to look at men: crappy provider = sub-par man. Women are biologically programmed to chose the men they mate with based on his ability to provide - to ensure that any offspring that result from the union have the greatest chance of survival.

That's deeply, genetically ingrained in women. It hasn't changed in thousands of years. It's a base primal survival code: good provider = survival of the species.

"However I would view a woman who asks me out after the first date or 2 as someone who is simply interested, not as someone who is easy."

Yea, yea. I know. Men say this kind of stuff everyday day, LOL. But the reality is, many men chose to take advantage of a woman's interest. Gentlemen won't, but scoundrels will arrive in droves, like a moth to a flame. And with tons of sociopaths and narcissistic individuals running around out there today, as a woman, it doesn't pay to offer yourself up like. A woman can signal her interest in many other ways besides resorting to downright becoming the man (leader, pursuer, provider).

A quote by an unknown author is making it's way around the net right now that applies here:

"Maybe more men would stand up and be gentlemen if more women would sit down and be ladies." ~ Unknown

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Is it a relationship that the author of this article wants or 2 people living separate lives or a pimp/whore relationship?"

Two people living separate lives? Why? Because the man picks up a dinner tab, LOL? Because he buys a woman a drink? It's THAT SHOW OF KINDNESS that attracts a woman to a man - it's call chivalry. So you believe that the very thing that makes a woman feel special and draws her closer to the man is somehow going to lead to conducting separate lives - when it's the very thing that draws and attracts a woman to a man (special treatment, kindness, chivalrous gestures, masculinity and an ability to provide)?

That's some skewed thinking. And I'll have to tell the couples in my family that have been married for 40+ years that nowadays, if a man picks up a dinner tab or buys a woman drinks (like the men in these long term marriages had done when dating their wives) - that nowadays, that's what's referred to as a pimp/whore relationship, LOL!

Wow, again, very skewed thinking.

And if you really want to talk pimp/whore relationship, consider the women who behave as men - the women who pimp themselves like men - only to end up with a whore of a man. Not to mention a situation that lasts what. . .all of say - two or three months?

No thanks. To each his own. You don't have to subscribe to my way of thinking nor do I have to subscribe to yours.

It's perfectly acceptable to agree to disagree here (L).

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the advice!!(: an for makin this page its been seriously helpful(: im deffinintly gonna use ur advice and listen watch for the red flags.-Sierra

Anonymous said...

Its sierra agin...what if he dosnt text or call me kn his own..like how long shud i wait before i trxt or take the hint that hes probably not interested?????

Anonymous said...

hello, i have been in a relationship for ten years. I have rwo children and am not happy in this relationship for a number of reasons.anyway, i was out and drunk the other day, kissed a guy and we exchanged numbers.i told him i was in a relationship and he told me he's not into this situation.anyway, its been a week and i would like to txt, is this wierd and should i?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I wouldn't wait around for him. If he doesn't text or call you on his own - you have your answer. I'd move on with my life and begin to date other men. If he reappears, so be it. If he doesn't, you haven't wasted any time.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 26, 7:01 AM,
No, it's an absolute waste of time to pursue him. Women should never pursue men to begin with, particularly ones that have clearly stated they are not interested in dating you. Why put yourself through the rejection all over again?

You need to remove yourself from your current relationship so that you can begin to seek a new one that makes you happy. Cheating is not the way to happiness. Do the right thing and separate from your partner of 10 years and begin a new life for yourself.

Anonymous said...

Ok thanks(:-sierra

Anonymous said...

I haven't dated in a long time, so please excuse my cluelessness, but i met this guy at a music festival...we hung out for several hours and we kissed later and he didn't ask me to come home with him and I guess I gave off the vibe that I wasn't going home with him. Any way when I got back to my hotel room I noticed that he had sent me a message saying:

'Gutted you couldn't come home with me tonight but it was great to meet you. Give me a shout next time you're in town x

This is just a polite booty call message right?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, it's a friendly booty call request, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hello-I started.talking to.a man online. Then moved to.text, then.phone. I.think we mutually seduced.each.others minds. Talking about.values, deal breakers, childhoods etcI.started.to.feel.butterflies that.i.took as hope andwe both declared ourselves smitten. for state was amazing that ended in a kiss. He warned me that he had fallen fast before and was refusing to do that this time. that this time he wanted to make sure that he I was true to who he really was (ie likes action movies, comics etc) he told me he taken his dating profile down prior to our first date, and only believe in dating 1 person at a time.
he lives 2 hours away and I'm the second date he forgot his wallet. I pay for dinner it was an expensive and we hung out at my house with my friends. he spent the night but nothing under the clothes happened. I have been adamant that I was only okay with cuddling and he didn't try to push me. the next morning he overheard a phone call from my mom telling me my grandmother has passed away. I cried and was very sad. after breakfast he told me that I shouldn't expect him to say I love you anytime soon that that was special and that it wouldn't take a long time but he wanted to let me know that it wouldn't be right away.I had not brought that up at all. and next few days I've continue to get text messages but they seem more distant. is spoken to me on the phone every night, but less flirting and more like lectures Ionm going slow in building something. I have begun to mirror his text messages responding a little bit later and making them brief. I feel the distancing. I wish there was more flirting as a distraction from the sadness I'm feeling about my grandma. tonight he told me he was too tired to call ( he has been complaining about not sleeping well) I didn't respond. my birthday is Friday and I'm having a big party he's invited but I told him he does not have to go because we're too new and all my friends will be there there will not be a lot of attention for him. he's told me he won't know until I see how work is on Friday. I leave Saturday morning early for out of state until Wednesday for my grandmother's funeral. I'm not sure what I should be doing should I be putting my profile backup? should I not respond to text messages? should I write him off entirely? I frankly don't know how to go slow

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You're not in a committed relationship here. You owe this man nothing and to be honest, HE owes YOU a proper dinner date. I mean, what kind of man FORGETS his wallet when traveling two hours away for a date? I don't buy that at all, I think this guy's a creep honestly.

Not only does he ditch on dinner, he then blurts out that you shouldn't expect him to love you too soon. Who says that? Especially on the first or second date. That's absurd. And what's he done for you that's been so special that you're just blown away and impressed and going to fall head over heels in love with him?

What? Is taking this man to dinner and courting HIM supposed to impress YOU - so much so - that you fall madly in love with him? I don't think so and I don't see anything impressive about this man at all. To be honest, I see an incredibly lazy man here that's isn't willing to lift a finger for you.

I'd stop taking his calls, nor would I respond to them. I never would've taken my profile down in the first place, you shouldn't do that until a man asks you for a commitment (otherwise, they take you for granted, just as this man has done). Put your profile back up and begin casually dating other men.

There's nothing wrong with casually dating (no sex) several people at the same time. It amounts to having dinner, drinks, movies, etc. with someone and there's no harm in that. Just don't jump into bed with any of them, otherwise, that becomes unfair to the others. The only time you pull a profile down is if the man has asked YOU for a commitment and you've agreed to one.

I don't think this guy is ever going to step up and be a man here. You gave him a chance and he failed miserably.

Get rid of him and make room for a man that will treat you nice and make small gestures for you. You deserve much better.

Anonymous said...

He openly said he only wanted to be sex buddy with me. I guess that saved a lot of guess.
I am the one who's being silly and thought he actually meant something else.

He really doesn't care about me. Gosh. I deserve better!!!

Unknown said...

hi...my boyfrnd always gts physicall wen we have arguments...like he pushes me n..i gt sooo scared...i just wana know does he love mi as much as he says he does? because if he still does he wouldnt want to hurt me at all i think...and i love him soo much

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Any man that is laying hands on you is not a man at all. Real men do no carry themselves that way nor do they lean towards physical abuse with women.

I think you need to seriously consider pulling away from him and thinking about yourself and your own happiness here.

Anonymous said...

I love this site. It's given me such insights to my past relationships and the American male in general.
I just returned from 8 years in Europe. I had two boyfriends there, and dated very lightly. I'm used to being wined and dined, good dressers & the European male. But I don't understand Americans very much, the texting instead of calling, the "hanging out" instead of dating.
My first "love" in high school have been in contact over these years via email & chat & once or twice I came to see my family and visited him. We once had a drunken make-out session in high school, but I wasn't fitted into my looks then so I think it was because I was so insistent. Through the contact though, we've shared dreams & built a lot of respect for each other. His best friend said that he respected me more than some of the girls he's dated.
When I returned he was excited to see me & we finally live near each other again, although 100 miles away. He drove to see me & we had a great night that he planned but we split the bill. He touched me frequently, but no goodnight kiss.
I went to see my brother the next weekend, who lives in the area & he invited me over, made me dinner & we wound up eventually on his bed with tons of amazing chemistry between us. I told him I don't sleep around & don't have sex until in a relationship & he respected that and said he did't mind just hanging out no matter what.
The next day he picked me up and took me the ocean at night, where we kissed and he mentioned how we'd make a good couple, he really likes me, etc. All good things. I explained I just got out of a 5 year relationship & another rather crazy relationship and didn't really know if I was ready. We were both eager to be with each other but unsure of the future as he is also deploying for 6 months in April. (this is the biggie)i asked him what he wanted from me. He said he really would like to keep me but the deployment is the only thing really holding him back.
The next time we saw he each other, he made me food again & I mentioned how he's have to take me on a date one day and actually pay. "like a real date? " "yes" He said he could definitely do that and asked if he'd have to wear something besides a T-shirt. He seems responsive when I express my needs. Later in the car, I asked him if he was seeing other women & he said no. I asked if I should stop seeing other men and he said, if you want to. So I said I did. Then he texted me that he couldn't stop grinning.
We text almost everyday, although on V-day, he purposely ignored it because he hates commercial holidays & it showed me a sign of how he can be very selfish at times but we were so new that I can't really be upset. & once he went 3 days without texting & acted like nothing happened. I think sometimes he tries to take distance.


Anonymous said...

The last time I saw him it was his birthday and he said he wanted to see me. He was playing a show, invited me but then asked if I wanted to come down on his way to Vegas or back from it since it's "his turn". I said no, I'd come see him since it was his birthday & I wanted to see him play. I went and it was great, he treated me like a lady, bought me drinks. Played his show and then hugged me afterwards, introduced me to his band mates. I felt like a queen. Then we went back to his place & had a rather serious conversation. He is not very good with communication sometimes, which bothers me, although when he opens up he is quite honest.
In between heavy make-out sessions, I asked him where he saw this going (mistake probably) and I'd really like to keep him. He asked if I was just asking because I wanted to have sex, and I said "no, well kind of". Long story short, he said he can imagine a future with me & really likes me but at the moment he can't put the effort into a "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship because he is very giving in relationships & can't be when he is so far. He would want to be with me & he'll be gone for six months and it would be too hard on him. He told me if I was still around when he came back, he would definitely want to start building a life together.
I told him I probably wouldn't be around if he doesn't want me now, he'll never be ready.
After that talk, for some reason, I decided to have sex with him. In the morning, he jumped out of bed, showered and then woke me by opening a drawer close to my head. He had to leave for Vegas so he started packing but he climbed into bed with me for a some snuggling & light conversation. He drove me to my car and kissed me goodbye & said he would drive to see me since it was his turn this time.
I said goodbye. My problem is, I sat in my car after driving around the corner and cried and then texted him, "I think it's best if we stop seeing each other. X"
I think I just wanted to take some emotional distance from the situation & also see if he will understand more that he will lose me if he doesn't make a full commitment soon. But did I mess this up?
I didn't hear anything back, of course, so I don't know if I will see him, if he will contact me and what steps to take to get us back on that drama-free happy road again? I don't want to pressure him but I do want to know we mean enough to each other to want to be together through a six month deployment, etc.
This is also happened really quickly. It's all within exactly 1 month. I think the pressure of him leaving & the strange history we have makes things accelerated a bit. I have no idea what to do now. "No contact"? I really do want to see him & this to go easier.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, you've already made the break. You wanted a commitment before he left and he didn't. So at this point, I think it's best to let this lay low for a while.

That doesn't mean it's over. It simply means it's sitting on the shelf for a while. If it was meant to be, it'll be.

And honestly, with him being deployed in April, I think that's what's best for you as well. If anything, you can offer him your friendship during his deployment and then see what grows. But attempting to tie the two of you together in a commitment during his employment probably isn't best - for you or for him - because of the undue pressure it will apply to the situation.

Pressure that could ultimately prove to be too much which causes a "blow" of sorts to happen.

So sit tight with this for a few days. Don't make any moves right now because he's probably upset and if you reach out, he may reject you.

Wait for a response to your text from him. When you receive it, offer your friendship during his deployment and leave it at that.

That will permit you to remain in touch with him during his employment - WITHOUT the pressure attached. And it will permit the bond to continue through the deployment which means the door will be open when his deployment is finished.

Anonymous said...

Thank you! Good thoughts.

What about the sex? If he wants to come see me this month before deploying? how do I act? I'm confused with this last month. Do I continue with how we were? Kissing & hand holding he initiates? Or do I stop? & do I see him IF he even offers to come down now to see me since it's his turn?
I can't understand how I have so many guys chasing me, yet I get confused when I finally get interested in one and can't seem to understand if they are interested back. Woman, we are such frustrating creatures.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well I think that's up to you. If you can handle that as a friendship, then have fun and enjoy each other. If, however, you think the involvement would bring you pain, then act accordingly and protect yourself by refraining, while continuing friendship (without sexual benefits).

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,

This is the very first time I've ever written on a website like this. I enjoyed your article and read your responses to some if the readers here and found some comfort in knowing that perhaps you can offer me some advice that is of value.

I... am a woman who up to the end of High School was still afraid if men. I'm 23 years old now and last year I actually started giving dating a try. Went out with two men in the fall last year and met the man I am interested now back then as well, around October, on an online website. We met as friends and I was pretty happy to have made an awesome friend and male at that. However, around Christmas time I realized I was smitten but I think this was as a result of him being smitten and trying to get me interested in him. I decided to tell him so sometime in January. We have been meeting up about once a week because of his busy schedule and because we live in different towns. I'm in the process of getting a car at the moment so things will get easier for us if we are to continue to see each other, however he seems to contact me less and less. He will chat on Skype only late at night an even then it is becoming quite rare. I am not someone who constantly texts and calls. I like my space, however I feel like I'm the only one trying to make plans and that is messed up. He has asked me out though and taken me to a really nice restaurant. He has mentioned he wants to do things with me like swing dancing. He wants to show me places. But because he has been contacting me less and less it makes me wonder... I believe we slept together too soon and that I'm only feeling it now. We started dating unofficially in January and we got intimate for the first time the beginning of February. I like him a lot and have never bonded with someone as much as I have with him. He actually stopped eating meat, like me, too. He has pulled allnighters with me when I had to finish projects. It's a lot of things. He never wants me to go when we part. On my birthday party, he brought me a rose and kissed me in front of his best friend and my friends when they left later that night. I was beginning to feel like he was losing interest before that so I'm confused.
I also invited him to join me this past Saturday with some friends (week after birthday) and he canceled the night before, even though he had told me he was disappointed he didn't really get to talk to my friends on my birthday due to the loud music.

When he canceled he said his mother is in town for two weeks, so he couldn't come. Then said his cousin is coming, after she leaves, for two weeks. I'm not sure if I'm being blown off or what.

I talked to my friends about it and they have encouraged me to talk to him about what direction he wants to go in, but I wonder if it is a bit too soon to do that? Also... that I need to tell him I like him because neither of us have actually said those words. I feel it's too soon to get a "label" and I still want clarification without sounding desperate or needy. I honestly just need to know if I should move on or wait for him, because i know he has been overworked for the past few weeks at work. This is why my friends are encouraging a talk. I don't want a friend with benefits or a fling. I already tried that and, although fun, I actually like him unlike the two men I went out with last year.

So, Mirror, what are your thoughts? I'd really appreciate your input.



The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I talked to my friends about it and they have encouraged me to talk to him about what direction he wants to go in, but I wonder if it is a bit too soon to do that?"

Don't do that. I know your friends mean well, but the reality is, when a woman pursue a man - or confronts him in any way (and yes, men consider the "talk" a confrontation most times) it only causes a man that's undecided - to decide he doesn't want this. Words don't work, only action is heard, so keep the words to yourself unless HE brings up that he's ready to talk (because that's when he'll be ready to listen).

"Also... that I need to tell him I like him because neither of us have actually said those words."

NEVER do that. Let the man lead dear, let him be a man. If he expresses feelings for you, then that's when you can feel secure and express yours to him. Otherwise, your friends are setting you up to risk MORE REJECTION here.

"I honestly just need to know if I should move on or wait for him"

You NEVER put your life on hold waiting around for a man to decide if he likes you or not. You keep moving forward and dating other men until the man asks YOU for a commitment.

And the only way to know if a man is genuinely interested - is to see if he pursues you. And in order to see if he'll pursue you, you need to stop pursuing him:


And before any of your friends fill your head with insinuations that this is a game, you need to realize that what's fair is fair - you never give someone more than you're getting. As a matter of fact, you GET what you GIVE.

If he gives you ignorance and apathy, then turnabout is fair play. That's how a woman stands her ground with a man and sets boundaries. You don't reward bad behavior with attention and affection. Bad behavior and ignorance receives consequences:


"because i know he has been overworked for the past few weeks at work."

Don't make excuses for him. When men want something, they go after it. And when they're genuinely interested in a woman - they MAKE TIME for her.

"This is why my friends are encouraging a talk."

Your friends are going to lead you right into more hurt, pain and rejection. (And if they're woman - ask them - how many times have those "talks" truly worked? Hardly EVER.)

Stop worrying about him and what he wants and waiting around for him to decide. It's YOUR life, YOU decide what's best for you. You don't wait for a man to "pick" you - you pick your man sweetie ;-)

And do you honestly even think that a man that behaves like this can make you happy? Are YOU happy right now?


So think about that :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi - I think I'm in a similar situation to the person above (Daisy)
I've been seeing someone since December 2012 - seeing each other once or twice a week. We go out for dinner, go out to a club, for a few drinks or just hang out (and are having regular sex)
I'm quite a bit older than him. I'm normally the one who suggests meeting up. We text / e-mail a couple of times a week. It's been 3 months. People are starting to assume we're in a relationship, having seen us out together regualrly. But I'm not sure if this is just friends with benefits - which I do not want. I'd like it to be an exclusive relationship, but am very comfortable with it not being serious - I've got loads of friends, a hard job and a busy social life.

He most definately sees himself as single.

I don't want to initiate the 'talk' but need to know where I stand. Becuase if its not going anywhere I intend to end it.

Any advice ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 7, 7:35 AM,
Well, I understand your need to know where you stand. But when men are approached with the "talk" it feels like pressure to them and their natural reaction is to pull back. So I wouldn't suggest initiating the talk unless you're prepared for the fact that it may end things.

What I think I would do is, set a specific time frame in my mind - say one more month. At the end of that month (it will have been 4 months by then), if HE hasn't asked YOU for a commitment, then at that time, you simply end it - but nicely.

You throw him for a loop and you kindly inform him that you've given this 4 months of your time and you don't feel that it's going anywhere because he hasn't expressed feelings or the desire for exclusivity with you. You give him the opportunity, at that time, to do so. You tell him that if he feels otherwise, now would be the time to tell you. But if not, then you're okay with walking away and accepting friendship (no sex).

And then you walk. And I bet within a month or two's time - he comes looking for you - possibly with a change of heart (because he saw a final "end" and that made him THINK) ;-)

Anonymous said...

Good advice - I do know he wants to carry on seeing me for the moment. So that's good. And thanks ...I'll set that 4 month time frame and see what happens - if nothing is moving in the direction that I'd like it go to at that stage I'll walk away (as you say in a nice way)

Its very hard to judge these days how fast or slow things should move. But in my mind you're either in it properly or not at all.


Ann Scritsmier said...

It's good to read things like this every now and then to snap us girls into reality.

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror,

Im in a situation where im dating a guy for about 3 months now but litteraly it's only like 1.5 month coz we met 1st week to 2nd week dec then he flew to his country for vacation and work (london) for more than a month.

Here's how out dating process goes, 1st week dec we finally met after 1 yr since we we're chatting from online dating site ( not consistenly chatting) he remembered me and messaged me nov that he will be back here in sg and maybe finally we could meet bec last yr we never had a chance to meet.

He is the one iniated to meet me even we can only meet at 2 am as finish very late on weekends bec of my work. And he is a person who only goes out on weekends as he is fully commited to work on weekdays so that was the only time
Which is convinient for me to meet and he put much effort to that that we did have so much fun till 6 am just plain talking and bar hopping.

2nd meeting was 2nd week dec it's like i gave him a hint that i wanna have sex so buy it and ues we did have it. So after that i wasn't expecting anything more. We are compatible in bed i can say that.

Anonymous said...


3rd time we met, he introduced me with his friend we went bar hoping then i went out with my friends. After partying with friends i went to his hotel. Sleep over nothing happened. The morning after was fantasic again.

4th time we met, he asked to join them (his collegues) as they were throwing a farewell party for him before he fly to london) that night i got drunk and he did tke care of me. My friend ( who i bring along) saw how much he cares. He brought me home. Nothing happened. We had a good time.

When he left, we we're messaging and all that, during his first few days in london he updated me. And also once in a while. I also ask him how he is. I can say thay he is not very chatty person. He only delivers message not really into long txt messages straight to the point on wat's happening but in person is very caring, touchy ( not in perverted way) and likes to cuddle and hug and likes to talk much not in txt. So i just updated him once in a while.

He came back last week of jan. he did inform me through txt. We dont make a call (both of us don't do that, i don't prefer it coz i can't understnd his accent on phone). He informed me that he will be busy for next 2 weeks as he haven't settle his place, need to find his own condo and buy all the furnitures etc. as i thought he is not that much into me coz we can meet just normal dinner if he is not settled. After 2 weeks he is liking my pics and post on fb so i just message his casually how's everything. He did reply right away and asked me if i have time next weekends. So iam free he invited me out in a chill out bar near his new place with his friend and my friends. We had good time conversations were really good.
So it's like we are back in the dating scene.

He showed us his new place and we saw everything is like building up from a scratch he is the only one doing all the building of furnitures. The flat is still incomplete.

We got all drunk. And we ended up kissing and making up after our friends left.

Anonymous said...


One day afte rhe flew again now to diff country for a 1week vacation and work. Just like the normal thing we message once in a while. Then he messaged me when his back. I gave him a hint that im free that weekends. He never invited me out which is not normal anymore as he always try to see me when ever he's back. So i do my thing. But he told me his plan for his day to purchase things for his flat and have a drink with his mate. And he has a house party to attend to. it was like oh im second choice so that day i decided to stop thinking we are leading to something good. But that night he message he that we wanted me to join them. And i was like is that ok coz maybe ur having a guy thing. I didn't reply right away and
Im giving him a signal that it might be akward to join coz all his friends and i don't have any friend to come along. Was late that i decided to join. He introduced me to all his friends and kissed me right away. And telling me i look so gorgeous that night. The friends are telling something like if he won't be good to me then they are available teasing us like that. We enjoyed that night our first time to go clubbing. After more than an hour i can see he's getting drunk then he iniated to leave the club. We went to his new apartment and just sleep and cuddle. The morning after. Was fantastic again. This time as i promised coz the last times we wake up in the morning i always leave him alone coz im rushing for work. This time im not working so we finaly had time time to have out lunch together. We did had a great talk about my life and my family. He was very interested in my stories. In the afternoon i have to leave and he seem like he wants me to comeback but he never say it so i said it that im free at night if u want me to come back i will so we can swim like what he wanted. So that happened and we did have good time the whole night. Me wantching him bulding his tble and after that had a great swimming and great talk again. I asked him how many girls he met in this site where we used to chat he said about 4. It was a crap site but at least he found me. And i said so as far as we are both concern we met in the bar coz that's what he is telling is friends when they ask. So i just go along with it. He laugh and said yes. After that he cooked a nice meal for me, served me and we watch a movie he let me choose. It's like im a princess that night. And the normal teasing and cudling. We ended the night with such a passionate oral sex on chair. And i think he will never forget that. On bed we watched his favorite series and showed me his pics in his ipad conected to phone. Nad explain who is who even pic with girls that i never ask. I just listen to him and smile. He asked what is my sked for this week i said not sure yet. We leave the flat next day together he even kissed me goodbye on lips in mrt.

Anonymous said...


I message him after say thank u and all. It was all good. But same thing again like now one day he never bother to say hi. Then i message him when i passed by his office i said i send him a flying kiss. He just said goodluck on my first day to new work. Coz he knew that's the reason i passed by his office. He always acknowledge my messge but not making a follow through like a our conversation on actual. Is this normal? Then should i iniate the how are u message? Now i did not message him like i do it alternate. I just message him my sked coz he asked for it but he did not bother to reply regarding that he just said how he is and where he is.

I think we have something good but he is unsure. Iam really sure with my self now that i really like him. Ive seen how he values his family. I was there whrn he's chatting with them. He loves him self so he is not pushy to me. And he is sweet and kind in person. But not in messages. But o dont want to make any mistake now. What should i don and don't do. I know he is only dating me and seing me. Women's instict is always true and i don't feel there is someone. We haven't talk about out status i think too early coz our dating is on and off coz he is always out of the country. Like now he told me after 2-3 weeks he will be back to london for a month. I wanted to stop obsessing on thinking about him coz i need to do other things like to be focused on my new work but i really can't focus. Can u help me on this. I wanna know what situation am i right now and how to deal with it.

Fyi he invited me and my friends on his house warming next weekends. He told me about his party plans. And even said i never invited him in out place. Coz i said no occasion last time got occasion then he is not around.

I will appreciate ur help so much. Many thanks.
sorry for the long message :)


Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I'm currently feeling a little down in the dumps. You see, I started liking this guy back in October. The feeligns just kept getting stronger and stronger afterward. After a while of just hopelessly dreaming, I decided I wanted to do something about my feelings. So, on Valentine's Day, I wrote him a heartfelt poem and sent him a flower. (Our school was selling flowers to give to people, but I took it one step further with the poem.) The thing is, I did all this anonymously for fear of rejection.

I watched him recieve the gifts and he seemed rather pleased. Naturally, I saw this as a good sign and contemplated revealing myself to him. After a few weeks, I finally got the guts to tell his friend it was me and he said he would tell him. Then, even after I was sure that he knew,he didn't do or say a thing to me. He didn't thank me, he didn't reject me, he didn't even look at me.

I'm usually very shy and I thought that must be what was turning guys off. Therefore, although I was unsure of making the first move, I thought it could finally get my feelings known and maybe attract their interest. Unfortunately, that isn't what happened. :(

This may sound cliche, but I'm getting into that mindset that something must be wrong with me. I'm always seeing other girls who aren't necessarily more attractive than I am that are constantly getting guys. Does my shyness/intelligence just intimidate them? Was I wrong to make the first move? Should I have been more direct?

I'm just frustrated 'cuz it seems like even if I don't do anything and wait around for a guy to persue me, nothing happens anyway. Why do guys fawn all over some girls but then they don't give me a second glance? ;_;

Anonymous said...

I am in a relationship with this guy we have known each other for a long time and when we first me many years ago we were physically involved. Many years went by and we bumped back into each other and we started seeing each other. He had recently broke up with his ex girlfriend and she had married someone she was seeing while they were dating, he continued to talk to her in secret so her new husband wouldn't now and there was times that she would not call for months but he always talked about her and it just got to a point I could not take it any more and I told him that it bothered me he continued to talk to her telling me that they were just friends and in the last year her marriage has broke up and now he is talking to her almost everyday. I feel like I can never be looked at by him the way he looks at her and I know that he goes to see her. I feel that she is letting him back into her life and he is pulling away from me I hurt so bad my gut aches. We are suppose to go on vacation on spring break and I am wondering if I should go or just pull away.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"He always acknowledge my messge but not making a follow through like a our conversation on actual. Is this normal? Then should i iniate the how are u message?"

Yes, this is normal. Men need space. And no, I wouldn't be the one to initiate communication. The only way for a woman to know if a man is genuinely interested is if he pursues her. And in order for him to do that, you have to cease being the one to initiate communication.

"I think we have something good but he is unsure."

That's okay. Just remain cool, calm and collected and give him plenty of space and time if he needs it.

"What should i don and don't do."

Don't panic, don't chase him, don't contact him. Give him time and space to breath if he needs it. Don't give into your insecurities (fear, anxiety, worry). Let HIM come to YOU.

"We haven't talk about out status"

Let HIM initiate a "talk" like that, not you.

"but i really can't focus."

You have to dear. You don't have a choice. Don't get "lost" in a man. Keep moving forward in your life and do things you enjoy doing. If it's meant to be - it will be ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 8, 11:08 AM,
"So, on Valentine's Day, I wrote him a heartfelt poem and sent him a flower."

You shouldn't "court" a man dear - he should court YOU.

"I'm usually very shy and I thought that must be what was turning guys off."

I don't think it's that your shy - I think it's because you're taking the lead role, the man's role - which tends to spook men and/or make them pull back.

"Does my shyness/intelligence just intimidate them?"

No sweetie - you're actually being aggressive with men. You're pursuing them (like a man usually does) and it spooks them. Men like to be in the lead, they like a challenge, they enjoy the chase. When a woman takes the lead role, it takes all the fun out of it for the man.

"Was I wrong to make the first move?"

Yes sweetie :-( There are many other ways for a woman to signal interest to a man. Such as smiling at him, talking to him and flirting.

"I'm always seeing other girls who aren't necessarily more attractive than I am that are constantly getting guys."

That's probably because those girls are flirting and then letting the man chase them.

"it seems like even if I don't do anything and wait around for a guy to persue me, nothing happens anyway."

You have to be flirty and fun and talkative and "invite" a man to pursue you in those ways.

"Why do guys fawn all over some girls but then they don't give me a second glance?"

Maybe those other girls hold back a bit more, which invites a man to pursue them?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 8, 2:12 PM,
"We are suppose to go on vacation on spring break and I am wondering if I should go or just pull away."

Awe :-( I know it stinks, but yes, pull away here. Do not attempt to hang onto something that's slipping away. Because the stronger you grasp it, the more it will fight to pull out of your grasp.

If it's meant to be, it will be. If he's genuinely interested, he'll come to seek you out.

But right now, I'd remove myself from the situation. You expressed that it upsets you and he did nothing to change that or to make you feel better about it.

So just try to accept it as best you can and if he's genuinely interested - he'll come back.

Anonymous said...

Been dating this guy for almost 5months,I really like him but some times I feel the feelings are mutual,other times am totally lost with some of the comments he makes,usually he would contact me often and make time to see me,then suddenly his been hot and cold for the past couple of weeks,then accusises me of seeing other guys,which am not,he has said he loves me on 2occasions,when I questioned him about that,he said that is too sudden,his affectionate,cuddles,and holds deep eye contacts with me for a while on different times.the point is am very confused about his feelings for me,has he doesn't express them verbally,he hasn't asked me to be exclusive with him,which I would like,but he says things like am more or less his girlfriend,I feel like he contradicts himself cus I have mixed signals from him.also his use to girls chasing him,and a lot of them like him,and he makes me very aware of that,which upsets me...sometimes he makes me feel like am like everyother girl...so the other day after spending time together,I acted on my emotions, sent him a message that I don't want this anymore and that am doin my own thing...but the fact is that I really like him and I want things to be mutual or at least tel me how he feels...but he hasn't responded to that message...:-( do you think he loves or like me?from what av told you?what do I do? Or have I messed it all up?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"do you think he loves or like me? from what av told you? what do I do?"

The only way to know if a man is genuinely interested or not is to see if he pursues you. He may be undecided right now. So all you can do is wait to see if you hear from him in the next month or so and see if he seeks you out.

In the meantime, move on with your life as best you can. Begin to date other men (casually, no sex), begin doing things you love, begin spending time with your girlfriends - and start to move forward.

Anonymous said...


First of all, thank you for taking the time to answer all of my questions. :)

You basically just confirmed my suspicions that I had possibly scared him. I guess I just got impatient and I wanted to do something big and bold in order for him to notice me. Instead of making him feel flattered with my gesture, I just put all the pressure on him and made him uncomfortable. -_-

You say that I should stop being so aggressive and should instead just slowly ease into flirting. The problem is, socializing doesn't come naturally to me. It is very difficult for me to approach guys or even initiate conversations in general. I know that I can be a fun, witty, interesting person, but I'm stuck in an awkward place where I can't actually step up and show this side of me to others. :/

As for my guy problem, I have no idea what to do next. Should I confront him about it or just let it go? Ironically, (and this may have all been in my head) before this whole scenario came about, he seemed to be subtly interested in me. Our eyes would meet from across the room and in my usual coy, quiet manner, I would look away.

I suppose all that's left to do now is find a happy medium between shy and aggressive. :S

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror,

This is amanda. Many thanks for ur advices. Understood it very well. Yes i often feel worried and insecure thinking that maybe he meet someone. I get what u mean i should be confident enough. After 2 days of no contact, he messaged me that he just trimmed well to make his skin soft for me. Which i undestood he wanted to see me. But no invitation so i did not invite my self. He knows my schedule so he should invite me. I replied haha that's time for me to celebrate! Just teasing him that he finally shaved.

Then just simple conversation i asked him how his day and he just replied all good thanks and u. But i saw on fb that he uploaded pics and went out with his mate. Im trying to understand that he is just like that. He don't want to share that on phone but when i see him in person he will tell me. Just don't get it that his fb he can update. But not me. Weird again. Iam right? And we had little naughty conversation and iam the last one who message but no certain plan if we will meet tom.
Again i never iniate if i will see him or what. Im sick and tired of his hot and cold approach to me. So if i wont hear from him tom lunch. I will go out with friends. And i saw he was online for 2 hours.

I want to stop obsessing him checking his fb coz i dont know what's happening to him coz he never tell me. Coz in the first place i don't know where i stand. So ur right i will just go with the flow. Im busy with new work. And i will focus on that i will give him 3 more months since we are on and off dating bec of his work. If he doesn't commit. I will disappear and date new guy. His lost. Getting tired of waiting in vain. I want to be in a relationship not fuck buddy. So if he won't pursue me after 6 months meaning he doesn't want a relationship. I just hope i can stop this stalking on him like checking his last log in and all. Crazy girls do. I know. I just can't help it. Thanks for the advices! That was great encouragement.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your response,March 9, 2013 at 10:59 AM...I will take your advice and allow him to seek me out,which he has done in the past but this time I dnt kno??do you think he will return?because usually if I send him a message about breaking things off or feeling upset,he would contact me straight away or at least within the same day,but this time around,after I sent him a message that I didn't want this any more,he hasn't responded and its been 3days now???am bugging oout!! feel like crap,really like him. I only did that because I thought it would make him open up about things :-(...and if he gets in touch how do I respond?do I answer his call or ignore?what if he wants to meet up?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"do you think he will return?"

I can't answer that dear. I cannot provide you any guarantees. It all depends on his level of interest.

"I only did that because I thought it would make him open up about things"

Confrontation is negative, it rarely ever leads to a positive. Words do not work, only action is truly heard.

"if he gets in touch how do I respond?"

That depends on which way you decide to handle it. You can use 30 days of no contact here (no contact, no response) to help yourself detach and learn to develop healthy ways of coping with confusion, grief and loss:


Or, you can chose to mirror his behavior:


"do I answer his call or ignore? what if he wants to meet up?"

That depends on which of the two proposed choices above you decide to make.

Anonymous said...

Thank you,in response to march 10,12:44pm. Think mirroring will be the better option for this situation,I think.. But I feel there maybe 1little problem,after the long silence which followed the break up message from me,I reached out on the baises of my actions were immature,how ever he called me back and spoke about the situation,he said what ever I choose is fine with himm??? Because I have repeated this a few times in the past...does that mean his not bothered or is he indifference about me??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Regretfully, he may be at this time dear. It might be best to give him plenty of space and time to process his feelings over all of this.

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror

I connected with a guy online a month ago and he invited me to chat on bbm. He looked quite attractive in his head and shoulders profile photo and texted me continuously, always initiated by him at first. After a few days i felt we were making a good connection an he said i made him smile. After 2 weeks we arranged to meet. It was a bit of a shock to see how overweight he was, no trace of that in his profile pic but i still liked him in spite of that. He could hardly take his eyes off me and i felt we had real chemistry. After the date he texted and said he would love to see me again and that he thought i was very sexy. I said i would also like to see him again and next time i would invite him out, he said he hoped it wouldn't be too long, and 2 days later i invited him out for dinner and he said he could not wait.

Again he could not keep his eyes off me, took my hand at the table and it was all very romantic. Yes i paid because i invited him but was disappointed that he did not offer to do so or at least pay half, it was just the principle. He kissed me when i got to my car.

It had always bothered me a bit why he could chat so much in the day while he was busy at work but very little at night, and he would take forever to even read my replies and respond with a 2 word reply but i never mentioned it. I know for sure he was not married But after we had started seeing each other and him telling me how happy i make him etc during the day this pattern started to bother me even more and when i asked him about it he deleted me from bbm without a word!!

I was really mad! So i texted him on his phone and said well after the wonderful dinner 2 nights earlier and all the sweet things he has been whispering in my ear, i think that was pretty obnoxious and disrespectful. After 2 days no contact i texted him and apologised for any harsh words but i was reacted out of shock and i didn't want to leave a bad vibe. He apologised and asked if we could start over.

So last week we resumed our texting and the atttraction seemed even stronger. He suggested we get a dvd and a bottle of wine and he came over. we had a wonderful eve just chatting and watching movies cuddled up together (there was no sex) He said he had missed me so much and had longed to see me, that he was starting to like me so much it scared him, he wanted to introduce me to his friends, cook me a diinner and take me on his boat etc. I was floating on air, That was Wednesday night. Thursday his texts were ever so loving up till Friday morning. but during thecday Friday i hardly heard a word.Late afternoon i asked if he was ok because he seemed a bit distant and he said he was busy so i left him in peace and went out with my friends, disapppointed that he made no indication of seeing me that eve.

3 hours later he asked what i was up to and that he was going to sleep. I said i was out with my friends and wished him gooodnight. he replied "whatever!!!" "do what suits u!!!"? Couldn't understand his reaction an asked him to join us! Then i tried to phone him and see why he was reacting this way and he didn't answer! 5 mins later he texted and said his batttery died. BS!!! the next ,esssage "sweety ur such an amazing girl and so sexy but we won't work as a couple, u know that" and he switched his phone off.

I mean WTF!!! just the same morning he was wishing i was there so he could wake up with me!! I asked him how hecsuddenly came to that decision from the morning and he just refused to communicate or reply!! I was shocked and so confused and he could not have the balls to give me any explanation! What happened here?? This man was still so besottted with me that morning!! I can't rest till i know and he has just gone AWOL!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,

I have been dating this guy for 6 months. it has been amazing, always taking me on great dates and such. we went out a little over a week ago and everything was great talking about everything going on in our lives. he has been traveling for work and i knew that last week he had a huge deal that the company was hopefully closing on after a year. anyway this last sunday it had been a week and i know when he gets busy he tends to go in total work mode. i made the stupid mistake of asking if everything was okay?? (felt like after 6 mths i was okay asking that) he wrote back right away saying Yeah, its just been an insane week, i feel like this deal is never going to finalized, i hope you had a great week" ....i want to think he is truly busy with work. i know several of my guy friends that work in investment banking get crazy busy working late hours. i also feel like if he was blowing me off what would be the reason to have actually responded to the txt....anyway I'm starting to just get bummed out because everything had been great and no signs of bad things. he even told me before we dropped me off at my apt that monday morning after our last date that it was going to be an insanely busy week...which sounds like it is still happening...I'm trying hard to stay strong and not txt him again. i just don't know what to think...sorry for rambling..

Anonymous said...

That's quite interesting and impactful.
Pls if a guy U met for almost six months keeps disappearing and appearing like three times within this six months, what can u say to me abt him?
The last he reappeared I really opened up emotionally to him expressing my love for him which he also did, professing how much he loved me too.
Suddenly he stopped calling and the last he called which was lik two weeks ago, he was asking me why I abandoned him and I made him know he didn't wat to talk to me so I had to let him be, though he denied it anyway.
After that conversation he hasn't called again till now.
His birthday is in a week time, is it wise wishing him a happy birthday or let him be?
I'll appreciate ur response as soon as possible. Thank u.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 13,5:46 PM,
Well, unfortunately, this is why I do not recommend that women take the lead role (masculine) when dating and instead, take the feminine role (submissive). Because when women take a lead role, it has a tendency to throw a bucket of cold water on the man's attraction for her. There is a balance of energy, yin and yang, masculine versus feminine in a relationship:


And there are also courting rituals that are deeply ingrained in mankind:


As a woman - you can't pay much attention to what a man says, especially in the very early stages. Because it's ACTIONS that speak and words are just air. Men fantasize a lot and part of that is verbal. They actually refer to it as "fun talk" and you can't take it seriously if the man isn't following it up with action as well.

Which is another reason why it doesn't pay for a woman to take a lead role in dating - because the only way for a woman to know if a man is genuinely interested. . .is to see if he pursues you.

He sounds like a guy full of BS sweetie. I wouldn't bother getting all upset over him. It'll be his loss, not yours :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 14, 4:27 AM,
If it were me, no I wouldn't bother being nice and/or friendly to a man that was ignorant to me.

Never reward someone for treating you poorly.

Read this piece and you'll understand:


Also read this one about disappearing men:


Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Many thanks for this article. I’d like to get your opinion re the following.
I met this guy 4 years ago. We dated for a few weeks but as I went to study abroad, we agreed to leave things there. A year later, after I got back to the UK, we got in contact. He kept on asking me about my feelings and I revealed that I had missed him. He replied that he was a bad guy and just wanted to enjoy life. He even propositioned to be friends with benefits, which I refused. But one day, he called me in the middle of the night, saying he had some problems with his family and needed to talk to me. So he came to my flat, and all of this was lies. He got me confused, and we ended up spending the night together. This happened a few times. I remember that I used to feel so crappy, but I was so stupid at that time and blindly in love. He never promised anything though, he was really clear on the terms. Anyway, once I got upset and I told him that I had enough of this, and wanted to be with him. He answered that he didn’t want to be with me because he would have to be faithful and didn’t want to stop himself when he sees a beautiful girl. Obviously, I stop talking to him then. We had not been in contact for 3 years.
Recently, I have been feeling way better, ready to meet a guy and start a new relationship. But he sent me a message out of the blue. I replied that I was ok (yeah I should have ignored, but I was sincerely not feeling anything for him, and wanted to be in peace), and wished him happy belated birthday (it had been a few days earlier). He then called me. Apparently, only 3 people remembered his Bday (and I was one of them), and he told me that he had been very bad to me, and had never tried to know me. He said he lived in America now but was in Europe for a month and wanted to see me to apologise, and get to know me and be friends. He had started a successful business and realized that his “friends” were just interested, and that I wasn’t blablabla… He also mentioned that he was still in love with his ex gf (which surprised me, considering what he had told me. Plus, the girl was a single mom, which means more commitment. Anyway…). He invited me to stay at his place for a few days as friends, which I accepted without any fear or doubt (because of the feelings he had for his ex, and because I knew I didn’t love him anymore). The first days were good, we talked a lot, had some good laugh. There was no love from my side, but some kind of tenderness. I did his laundry, cleaned his flat, etc. And when he got back home, he told me that I was truly amazing and he remembered why he started liking me 4 years ago. So we started talking about the past and ended up kissing etc. The following day, he was distant, so I decided to act as if nothing had happened. But still he avoided spending time with me, looking at me. He stopped paying attention when I talked. He even jumped and pushed me back at some point when I had only put my hand on his arm. He took me to a restaurant but ordered a take away and played with his smartphone whilst I was eating in front of him!! As I felt treated badly, I decided to leave his place earlier than planned. He didn’t understand why I was leaving and told me ‘Relationship takes time. It was a bit intense to have you around on a daily basis. That’s why I was doing stuff on my own’. To be honest, I don’t understand what he was talking about. It had never been question of relationship/love as he had told me about his feelings for his ex (and I refused to be somebody’s second choice). He texted me a week later. I replied very briefly. He then went back to the US and I haven’t heard from him for 3 months now. I admit that he got me confused, and I wonder why he was so distant BUT told me about relationship. I’m not going to contact him, although I’m starting to like him. He’s coming back in Europe in June. If he ever contacts me, should I try to discuss or do you think he’s BS? Of course if he doesn’t contact me, I will have closure. Thanks for your advice.

Anonymous said...

I have been seeing a guy for about a month now and he texts me everyday, first thing in the morning, then from when he leaves work until he goes to bed. He has let me down once when he made plans to take me out on a Friday but ended up going out with his mates on Thursday and ended up over spending so could not take me out (but he did make it up to me the following Friday) should I worry about this. And he used to send me lots of kissing smilies when he text, now he calls me love, is this a move in the right direction? Kind regards Wispa

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 15, 7:37 PM,
"He replied that he was a bad guy and just wanted to enjoy life. He even propositioned to be friends with benefits, which I refused."

BIG RED FLAG dear - a "self proclaimed" player.

"So he came to my flat, and all of this was lies. He got me confused, and we ended up spending the night together. This happened a few times."

He's NOT a good man and he uses emotional manipulation to fulfill shallow, egotistical needs of instant gratification.

"He answered that he didn’t want to be with me because he would have to be faithful and didn’t want to stop himself when he sees a beautiful girl."

He's an arrogant, egotistical "man child" - he's not a real man, he's a boy that's pretending to be a man:


"I did his laundry, cleaned his flat, etc."

Please dear, do not do things like that:


"He took me to a restaurant but ordered a take away and played with his smartphone whilst I was eating in front of him!!"

He's a man child - and he's an emotionally unavailable man.

"If he ever contacts me, should I try to discuss or do you think he’s BS?"

He's full of BS dear and he's an emotionally immature man child that attempts to fulfill egotistical, selfish needs via means of instant gratification - instead of investing the time, attention and proper treatment into something meaningful.

I'd steer clear of him at any and all costs. Why invite more of this into your life?

You've given him a second chance already and he's blown it. And no, the third time is NOT always a charm. It's:

"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

Don't let him fool you again dear - wish him well and send him on his way. Do not allow yourself to be a simple distraction or play toy to him while he's in the country on a temporary basis. Because that's what he's treating you like - as something "temporary." And he's done this twice.

His words are only words - it's his ACTIONS that truly tell the tale here. And twice on two different occasions, his actions have proven that he's been less than sincere and he's left you feeling used and abandoned. Don't let it happen again or you'll only have yourself to blame :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 16, 1:34 AM,
"He has let me down once when he made plans to take me out on a Friday but ended up going out with his mates on Thursday and ended up over spending so could not take me out (but he did make it up to me the following Friday) should I worry about this."

If it happens on a regular basis, yes, it's a major concern. Because he could "choose" to be with you, but instead, he's choosing to be with friends. Once is not a big deal, but if it begins to become a regular pattern, then yes, it's a big deal.

"And he used to send me lots of kissing smilies when he text, now he calls me love, is this a move in the right direction?"

Honestly, it doesn't mean anything. Don't get me wrong, it's all lovely and makes you feel good, I understand that. But it's his ACTIONS that will speak the truth, not necessarily his WORDS ;-)

Men are very adept at telling a woman what they think she wants to hear - so that they can successfully mate with her, have sex with her. If his words align with his actions, then all is well. But if it's only words and little to no action, then it can't be taken seriously.

So if he talks like this and then follows it up by asking you out, calling you regularly, expressing a desire to talk to you and/or see you, does special things for you and treats you well, etc. - then it can be taken more seriously :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank U so much for being der for women, Uv really opened me up to a lot of things. Am so sure I wudn't dear make such silly mistakes that now makes me feel so cheap before him. He trully doesn't deserve to be wished a happy b'day coz he really treated me poorly. Thanks so much dear, am a lot better and matured with dating rules,now. Keep up this good work!

Crystal said...

Okay, so about two months ao a guy I went to HS with contacted me over FB. He said he had seen me in his town (I travel there for business regularly) and invited me to dinner the next night. I was headed back home and said I couldn't. He invited me for the next time I was in his town. We got together for lunch a few weeks later and it was enjoyable and I realized I was attracted to him. I texted him later and said "thanks for lunch, it was great seeng you" he texted back right away, "great chatting with you, let's do it again." So, a few weeks later before I was headed back to his town I contacted him and asked if he wanted to get together, to which he said yes and invited me to his home for dinner. A couple of days later he called me and said he had to cancel because he had to work an extra shift a work, but that he knew I'd be back in three weeks and we should have dinner then. So, then I didn't really know where to go, because I wondered if he was just making an excuse not to have dinner. That maybe he'd decided he wasn't into me. I texted him and asked if I'd done or said something to offend him and he said definitely not. That work was just in the way. So again, a few weeks later I texted him. But this time I invited him to dinner (which I probably shouldn't have done). He agreed to meet me. But then a couple of days later he texted and suggested we meet at his place and he would cook dinner. Sounded good. I agreed. The next night I showed up at his house. His 21 year-old son (who doesn't live with him) met me at the door. A little back story, the guy who asked me to dinner had also asked me to write a story about his son on my blog, because his son was struggling with cancer and was a truly inspirational young man. I wrote the article and this man was really appreciative because many people had commented with messages of support for his son. So, it was really good to see his son. We greeted each other and went inside and the guy (who asked me to his house) was inside and we talked as he was making dinner. I was a bit confused because he hadn't mentioned anything about his son being there. Don't get me wrong, it was great to see his son, I just had prepared myself for a man cooking me dinner and getting to know him better, not a family affair. I was wearing a low cut blouse and I felt a little silly with his son there. But, we all three had a good dinner. Enjoyable conversation and lots of laughs. But I was pretty confused. Why had he invited his son and not told me? So, much earlier than I had planned, about an hour and fifteen minutes later, I bid them fair well. I guess I felt like a bit of a third wheel, and I wondered if he was trying to send me the message he just wasn't into me "that way" by inviting his son over without telling me. He made no future plans to see me again. We said goodbye and waved as I walked to my car. What the heck???

Unknown said...

I have been trying to find someone out who can actually help me and may be you can with your prompt replies.
I have been in a mess in and out and I just want to know what's up in this guys mind.
I was in love with a guy for 7 years, let's call him S. He dated my best friends even when the 2 best friends and the guy knew I was in love with him. So long story short, I loved him unconditionally for seven years but he never did. Enters B. He was a junior from school and we had never talked. He always seemed to be high headed. So anyways we connected on FB 3 years back.That's 5 years after I had completed my schooling. So we used to talk, he knew I was in love with S and we used to talk on and off but there was always this comfort level that I never felt with anyone else. We laughed about our school days, I told him I never noticed him in school as such, I was always into co-curricular activities anyways and everybody knew me. He was ok with all of it. His elder sister was quite famous and I had no idea that she was his sister which came as quite a shock cuz everybody knew that. He lives in another state btw but his family lives where I live so he keeps coming here every now and then. So during my birthday 2011 he was here. And we had never talked on phone ever. But suddenly called me up on my birthday and wished me and said that may be we can catch up. I was very busy so I told him we definitely will. Then he went back and we couldn't meet. I dropped him a message apologising for the same. He said that's ok cuz he will be back soon and we can catch up then. We both started talking on bbm. A lot. My friend used to have a crush on his best friend. So he suggested that we should make them meet when he will be here next time. I asked my friend and she was ok with that idea. So some months later he came. I am usually not ok with meeting new people. But he somehow made me. We met, it was amazing. Both of us were into each other. Post meeting them I had plans with my friends for clubbing. But I invited them too. They agreed. We danced and had fun. I saw him looking at me and noticing my moves. Later that night he and his friend dropped us back. We talked after reaching back home. He told me that I dance superb and his friend thinks the same. It was all in good spirits. Next day he was leaving for vacation with his family. But even when he was with them, we talked 24 7. I kept telling him that we will catch up later. He should have fun with his family. He kept telling me about his trip, sending pics. All good. He came back. And had to leave for his state. I messaged him but he was in a bad mood.I tried asking him but he said ssshhh. So I gave him his space and wished him a safe journey. He reached back his state and we started talking. He said you know why did I say say ssshhh yesterday. I said because you wanted me to shussshhh he said because if you had asked me anything yesterday, I would have told you everything. I did not understand what he was trying to say. So I said you can tell me now. He said I will some other time. So I let it go. Time passed. We used to talk daily. All day.

Unknown said...

Sometime later my friend said that I was doing a wrong thing. I was making him fall for me even when I knew I won't be with him. That did not go down well with me cuz I did not wanna hurt him. I told my friend that we were just friends and there were no feelings involved but I decided to ask him. I asked him if he liked me. He said he liked talking to me. He liked dancing with me. He liked it when I sat beside him. Now I was a little freaked out. So I reframed the question and again asked him if he had feelings for me. He said liking is a feeling. I wasn't ready. So I told him that nothing could happen between us. He called me up and settled things a bit. Playing all cool and calm. I did not wanna lose him so I was back to being normal. But in 2-3 days I realised that I had something strong for him too. I told him that I am inclined towards him too. But nothing can happen between us. He asked me that if both of us like each other then why can't anything happen. I told him that I can't fall in love and also we live in different states. We let that go. We used to talk but things were a little weird now.
I felt I was doing wrong by making him fall for me. So I started doing things to irritate him. You know pestering him and stuff. But he was very patient. (And I really feel bad for whatever I did). Finally one day he said that I do irritate him a lot. I heaved a sigh of relief and said thank god! And promised him that I won't irritate him anymore now. I was sure that now he won't fall for me. This all happened in a span of 2 months.

Anonymous said...

Wow! This is an amazing advice column on this subject.

It's very sad that some of the women here asked your advice after you spelled it out very clearly.

I am a female.

When did women need lessons on how to be respected? I guess now more than ever. Our cultural morals are very much different.

I'd also like to add something that you may have an opinion on. I have a PHD in men. I was a strip tease artist for 18 years.

Here it is: If a man can easily afford 2 women, in most cases he will have 2 women.

3 stories of the last 5 years of me being single:

This one is a real dinger. I met this man, and took him to a party, he met some of my friends and we wnet a couple other places for about 2 weeks. We were both on BON, a social networking site. Things weren't adding up so I asked my girlfriend to help me search through his online profile. OMGoodness! We found one that said in his daily comment:

My dick is on fire, my balls are smoking and I need some pu$$y. I got off the phone with her, called him up and broke it off. 30 minutes later he wrote her and asked if they could get together. ROFLMAO

Next guy 9 months later. We got to seeing each other about 3 times a week for 3 weeks. One Sunday I was at his place, and we were BBQing chicken. I cook for my cat, so I brought some extra breasts to throw on the fire, as I'd offered to make him and his crew chicken salad for lunch sometime that week.

The next day, Monday, I was at his place putting the chicken salad together. He was texting the whole time and laughing. I was pissed. I had told him that 1 red flag and you'll never see me again.

I finally asked him who he was texting. It was his last girlfriend. I finished the chicken salad, said I'll see ya later and left. I then left a note on his door the next day telling him I did not want to see or hear from him again. He stalked me, but he wasn't dangerous, I finally got him to quit texting me after I sent him a certified letter about a year and a half later-last Nov, 2012.

Anonymous said...

The current guy: Damn it, it was going so well. He'd just had his gallbladder removed, and I met him a week before his operation. He called me and for the last 4 weeks, we've seen eachother, gone on outings, I've helped with a few things as he's not exactly up to par and wham. We had dinner Thu. night. Just this Friday past, March 15, 2013, he called me. He'd been to a place where we both know the same people and something neat went on, but he had been drinking. He was finally feeling much better, and wanted me to come over. I said I really wanted to but I had some things in the oven. I asked if I could come over the next day. He said, Oh hell, tomorrow's another day, I don't know. We chatted awhile longer, my oven timer went off, and he said well, there's your pager, I'll let you go. I'll call you tomorrow. I haven't heard from him since. It's now day 4.

The reason why I found this site, I'm worried he's not feeling OK, and I don't like to worry. BUT, he called me drunk at 7 pm on a Friday night, wanted me, but couldn't commit to the very next day. I had no notice that he'd want to see me that night.

I searched for this advice to resist the urge to text him asking if he's feeling OK. He already knows I'd worry. So that's disrespect. That's major surgery, it takes awhile to heal.

I've always said that if I had a teenage daughter, I'd make her watch Two and a Half Men, because ladies, that's how men act who will never commit to you.

I absolutely will not call or text this man.

I didn't sleep with any of these men. That's only 3 men in FIVE years that at first met my standards, then sharply took a U turn.

I really had hope for this one, He made it 4 weeks.

This is great advice. But I find so sad that so many women don't know how to set standards and keep them no matter what. Keep on keeping on Mirror of Aphrodites.

I just came here to reinforce what I already believe and convince myself not to do something stupid, like worry about a man who could care less if I did worry, obviously.

Anonymous said...

Continued from:
I just came here to reinforce what I already believe and convince myself not to do something stupid, like worry about a man who could care less if I did worry, obviously.

Well, I'll be dogged. He just tried to call me. I didn't get to the phone in time. Now he has to call me back. I texted him that I couldn't get to the phone in time. He did not answer my text, and I'm not calling him. This was 5 minutes ago.

See that's what I don't like, the game. Now is the game on Mirror?

Unknown said...

Cont.. ( I am so sorry but its sorta long tale)

We were back to being on the same track without weirdness. Teasing, fighting for fun, like we were. My friend wanted to go for vacation to his state. She tagged me along. We had planned to stay at his place. He was cool about it. We used to talk about what all we would do. Then suddenly I thought that it might make things weird for him so I messaged him saying that we had dropped the plan. He called up and asked for the reason. We are always very truthful with each other. So I told him that he might get irritated. He got a little offended and asked me why would he? Can't me or my friend irritated? He then said this was the only reason then I should just book tickets and come there. All things settled. I was going to book tickets on weekend. But he called me up in a day or two and asked me if I had booked the tickets. I told him I hadn't. He said that I should not cuz he was coming to my state for some project. And might stay for a month or two. Well he stayed,for good 5 months! We met quite a number of times. His friends didn't even know that he was in town. Anyways, my feelings got hold of me and I told him that I liked him and went on and on. He kept asking now what? What do you wanna do now? Is there anything else you wanna say? I just said that I wanted to say it all so that's why I am saying it. A day or two later we got in some argument and I said that its just a liking and it will fade away sooner or later. And he was like do whatever you want.

Unknown said...


So we didn't talk for a week and later when we started talking, it was a little formal. I never asked him to meet. I had stopped calling. Suddenly one weekend he asked me what were my plans and I told him nothing as such. So he told me that he was going to a hillstation and I was coming along.I asked him who all were coming along. He said how does it matter I will be there and you will be there. I still asked him about one of his friend who is sort of my friend too. Anyways, we went there. One night I was sleeping next to him and he just took my hand and kept it on his chest and held it there all night. By this time, S had started calling me as he got insecure. He messaged B that he was planning to come theere and surprise me by proposing me. B did not say a word about it to me.

Unknown said...

Basically I am just not understanding what he wants. Or how he feels about me. We went for a party and later he told me that I was looking good. My hair, my dress, my eyes, my lenses... Everything. I am in love with him now and I cannot be his friend so I told him so. But I would really like to know what he thinks of me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, it appears it is, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

My old roommate and good friend of mine winded up sleeping together last week after dinner. We have known each other for over a year now and I consider him to be a good friend- since we also lived together for a year you could say we know each other quite well and I've told him things I've never told anyone before.

I texted him a couple days after (which was Friday) and he didn't respond until Sunday. He said he was sorry for replying late, but had a work function on Friday and had been catching up with family all weekend, then asked how my weekend was going.

He hasn't called me and I'm pretty sure he won't bring it up unless I do, but I feel like we really need to just acknowledge that it happened and clarify that it won't affect our friendship. I called him yesterday and he made up a lot of excuses as to why he is too busy to see me, so I texted him today to tell him that it is important to me that we talk, and I got no response. If we could just briefly chat about it I would feel so much better but the fact that he is blatantly ignoring it is a really awful feeling, especially since we are supposedly friends.

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