"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags

Let’s face it, women provide men with a lot of excuses. It reminds me of an old tune “Up On Cripple Creek” by The Band. In that instance, the lyrics of the song identify that it’s a woman making excuses for her drunken man:

“Up on Cripple Creek, she sends me. If I spring a leak, she mends me. I don’t have to speak, she defends me. A drunkard’s dream, if I ever did see one.”

When it comes to dating, one of the big excuses for a man’s bad behavior that I hear often is, “I think he’s just intimidated by me.” I also hear, “He likes me, he just doesn’t want to admit it.” Wrong. He is not into you.

Men are simple creatures, ladies, and quite honestly, they are not that difficult to figure out (i.e. they wave relationship red flags you need to pick up on). They don’t have the complex range of emotions that women have and when they communicate amongst themselves, it’s very basic communication at best.

Women bring a lot of emotional turmoil and heartache onto themselves by throwing logic out the window and attempting to tune into a man using their emotions instead. Basic logic is what men use when communicating, not emotion. So why are you using emotions to decipher logic?

That’s like trying to listen to the radio – via the television remote control. In order to tune into an FM station, you need a radio receiver – not a remote control. Logic and common sense is your radio receiver, ladies. Emotion and the television’s remote control will do you no good here.

So when dating, don’t throw your common sense out the window. It’s your greatest, most valuable, asset. Let’s cut through all the background “noise” and get straight to the point - let’s listen to the music.

Signs That He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags

He Wants A Relationship Right Away: Big relationship red flag. He’s “fast tracking” you – into the bedroom. The speed with which he appeared, is the speed with which he’ll disappear.

You’re Calling Him: If he really likes you, he’ll call you. He’ll make time for you and he’ll want to beat out other men by making his presence known. If he’s not calling you, it’s because he’s avoiding you. Don’t make a fool of yourself by trying to convince him to date you. It appears desperate to men. The more you call, the less attracted to you he will be (but he will still sleep with you first).

You've Been Dating For Months, Yet No "L" Word: If it's been 6 months or more, that's because he's not feeling anything for you and he probably never will.

He Takes Days, Weeks or Hours To Respond To Calls And Texts: You’re not high on his list of priorities.

He Disappears: Big red flag. He’s definitely not that into you. A guy who really likes a girl would NEVER even consider doing this for fear he’d lose her.

You’re Asking Him Out: If HE’S not asking YOU out, it’s because he doesn’t want to spend time with you. Men go after what they desire. Period – case closed. NEVER initiate a date – EVER. You’ll never know where you stand with him and he’ll never respect you completely. Become the aggressor and you’ll have a 3 week affair, but never a relationship.

He’s Offering A Burger When You Deserve A Steak: If he’s taking you to casual dining places rather than romantic tables covered in white linens, he doesn’t value you. Times are tough, I get that. But at least once or twice a month, he should be treating you like something of value.

You’ve Met Online, But He’s Never Asked Your Last Name: That’s because he doesn’t care who you are. Your name could be Knarly Marley and it wouldn’t matter because it’s the face and the body, not the person inside, that he’s focused on. You might as well be a blow up doll.

He’s Not Paying For Anything: He’s an opportunist looking for his next victim. He doesn’t value you and never will. He’s a bum. No respectable man lets a woman pick up the tab – EVER. Providing for a woman is what makes a man feel like a man.

He’s Aggressive About Sex: He doesn’t care to know who you are, but is dying to know what you look like naked.

His Text Or Email Conversations Are Usually No More Than 5 Words In Length: He’s being polite by responding, but he doesn’t really care. This is especially true in online dating. If he can’t converse with you prior to meeting you, he won’t bother much while you’re sitting across the table from him either - but he will still ask to see your apartment after dinner.

The Ex Comes Up Often: He’s hung up and he’s not over it. His heart is elsewhere and he’s emotionally unavailable. If the ex comes up often, you leave immediately or it’ll only be a matter of time before he’s comparing the two of you in his head – and you’ll never live up to his glorified memories of her.

You’re Performing Great Acts of Kindness While He Does Nothing: He’s taking advantage of you and probably referring to you as his cleaning lady to his buds. No man expects a woman he respects and admires to act like a servant. So stop doing laundry, running errands, baking cookies, cooking meals and cleaning his apartment.

He Hides His Phone: Because there are things in there he doesn’t want you to see. He’s communicating with other women, exchanging porn with friends, dealing drugs, stockpiling naked pictures of his exes or is a CIA operative. Any way you slice it, he’s not letting you in.

He’s Late All The Time: He’s being disrespectful and signaling that HIS time is priority, not YOURS. He’s also signaling that he doesn’t care about the consequences of upsetting you.

He Went To An Important Event Without Inviting You: He doesn’t see you as part of his lifestyle. You’re on the fringes, you’re not on the inside.

His Actions Don’t Match His Words: He’s a player and he’s playing you via mental manipulation. He’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear – and then doing whatever the hell he wants.

He Refers To Himself As A Player: He’s warning you that he’s in it for fun and games, not long term commitment. A man who wants to be with you long term will NEVER want you to think this of him. But a man who doesn’t care about you, will want you to think he’s a real catch – so you’ll sleep with him to see what all the fuss is about.

He Can’t Commit To Plans More Than 24 Hours In Advance: He’s waiting for something better to do and you’re playing second fiddle. A guy who really likes you will want to take up your days and evenings so that no other man can.

When You’re Speaking, He’s Gawking In Other Directions: He’s tuning you out because what you have to say holds no value to him. He’s biding his time and going through the motions until the evening progresses – and he can then get “down to business” with you.

He Repeats Things He’s Already Told You Over And Over Again: He doesn’t remember anything he’s already told you because he’s running schtick on you. He’s been on loads of dates and he doesn’t remember who with. This is his game and he’s like a record stuck on repeat going through the motions.

He Won’t Give You A Drawer At His Place: If you’ve been spending lots of overnight stays there and this doesn’t eventually happen, it’s because he has no plans of you being there long term.

He Leaves The Room To Take Calls: He’s speaking to people you wouldn’t approve of and that he never intends to inform you of.

He’s Gone Before 9AM: If he’s spending the night and regularly leaves early in the morning rather than taking you to breakfast or spending the afternoon with you – you’re a booty call and/or friend with benefits.

He Avoids Eye Contact Or Sits Slightly Turned Away From You: He’s distancing himself from you because he has no real intention of ever “letting you in” or becoming emotionally intimate with you. But that doesn’t mean he won’t have sex with you.

He Just Wants To Be Friends: Translation – he doesn’t want a relationship - with you.

He Doesn’t Remember Important Things: If he forgets your birthday or a date you’ve made previously, it’s because you’re not important to him. However ladies, don’t expect him to remember the day you met, or the date of your first date, etc. We’re talking important events here.

You’ve Never Met His Friends Or Family: If it’s been 6 months and still nothing, he’s not going to make you a part of his life.

He Only Calls Late At Night Or When He’s Drunk: He’s looking for a “situation” not a relationship.

He’s All Over You In Private, But Acts Like He’s Your Buddy In Public: You’re a friend with benefits.

He Closes His Internet Browser When You Enter The Room: We all know why this happens.

He Openly Admits He Hates Things You Love: He could care less about the things you care about. Basically, this signals he doesn’t care about YOU.

He Chooses Time With Friends Over Time With You: You’re providing a nice distraction for him when there’s nothing better to do but he’ll never make you first on the list.

He Makes Promises He Doesn’t Keep: Because you’re not that important to him and he doesn’t care enough about you to be worried if you’ll leave when he breaks them.

He Doesn’t Defend Your Honor: He has no respect for you and doesn’t feel he’s responsible for protecting you.

He Laughs At You, Not With You: He doesn’t care if he hurts your feelings and probably never will.

He Makes No Future Plans With You: That’s because when he peers into the future, he doesn’t see you there, standing beside him.

He Shows No Interest In Things or People You Love: He simply does not care about the things that are important to you or what makes you tick.

You Constantly Wonder, Is He Into Me? This is a sure fire way to know . . . that he’s not. Listen to your gut, Ladies.

It's Only Common Sense

This isn't rocket science, it's common sense. Notice what all of the things above indicate? They all generally point to his lack of interest, his lack of care and they’re an indication that there’s no future.

Logic tells us this. Don’t use your emotions to try to read anything else into it. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck – it’s a duck, Ladies.

Quack, quack, quack.

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Anonymous said...

@themirror the insight here is wonderful...I need some for myself please. Im sure Im making a mountain out of a mole hill with this one.

3 months ago a guy asked me out we went to each others Christmas parties and he called and texted a lot. He tried to hook up with me that night and I rejected him several times bc I knew he was tipsy and it was our first encounter! He told me he respected that and wanted to take things slow.
We went on our First Date and it went well. I didnt allow him to pick me up, so we met at the restaurant (dumb on my part) It took him 2 days to call me after our date and I missed his call and he never contacted me for a week. I definitly didnt either. I had a fashion show at his club and he then came up to me and told me had just realized that he hadnt talked to me in a week and wanted to see me again soon. I told him that was on him not me. He asked me to go to lunch, but then texts me way after lunch and stated he had an interview and now he wants to dinner.
He texts me and when I respond it takes him a while to reply. He asked me to watch a movie and invited himself over to my place. I said ok and he stayed the night. He was very affectionate the whole night during the movie, holding my hand my arm, cuddling me. He stayed over and when he did he didnt touch me! he kissed me on the forehead and went to sleep. Me being the woman, will not initiate anything sexual first! He kissed me the next morning after breakfast and then later texted me at work to say thanks for the breakfast. I didnt reply until way later that evening and told him I enjoyed hanging out with him and told him I was sorry for the typos in my text bc i was still at work texting under my desk. all he replied was "its ok." Im so confused. So confused. If he doesnt want to date me then stop texting me! its simple. I dont ever text first. He always finds a way to weasel into getting me to respond after a week of not talking. should I just not respond to him again? Help me! ughh

Anonymous said...

Continued From:See that's what I don't like, the game. Now is the game on Mirror?

Yes, it appears it is, LOL ;-)

He texted me asking "Are you still talking to me?" last night.

I didn't talk to him until this morning. He was afraid he'd offended me and said something rude last Friday night. He didn't. I could just tell he was somewhat drunk. He'd had a good day and he was finally getting his strength back.

Don't get me wrong, I drink too. But I'm not going on a whim to a man's house with no notice on a Friday night escpecially if I didn't get in the same condition as he was with him.

He apologized to me this morning. He's taking me out to eat this Friday night. We have a real date planned which is how the previous outings have been planned. I'll excuse this one time, that's it.

Anonymous said...

Fuck this stupid "men love the chase and if you stop running too soon, he'll look elsewhere" shit. Why are women so focused on why men are the way they are, and what that means in catching and keeping them? Does any other female out there see that this is the opposite of the behavior that will cause men to cling like stink to shit? Say to hell with what he thinks and feels, and just be who you are and do what you want. Because that's what men do... isn't that what all these stupid posts are about? How men do what they want and women are supposed to figure out what that means so they can get a man to stay devoted? Humans are not a monogamous species. Do you need to be looked after? If not, then who cares if a man stays! You can easily find another. Why are women the ones who need to go to such lengths to build and strengthen a relationship?
Oh, and the sex double standard is really pissing me off. Guys are studs and women are sluts. Why? Cause a womens vagina is meant to remain pure while a mans penis can get dirty? Why would you want a dirty penis in your clean vagina? Come on ladies, use your fucking brains.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 20, 4:23PM,
First of all, don't come here spewing hatred and venom. If this is all so stupid to you - WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE THEN? AND WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME COMMENTING ON SOMETHING THAT'S APPARENTLY SO STUPID TO YOU?

Grow up.

Secondly, "isn't that what all these stupid posts are about? How men do what they want and women are supposed to figure out what that means so they can get a man to stay devoted?"

Actually NO. That isn't what these posts are about. Had you taken the time to read them and my responses and comments on this site, you would see that these posts are about guiding women to STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES WITH MEN and to stop being fooled by them.

These posts are about "catching" a man - they're about helping women to STAND STRONG and hold their own with men.

"Why are women so focused on why men are the way they are, and what that means in catching and keeping them?"

This is an article that warns women AWAY from men behaving like less than honorable men. This is not a "catch him and keep him piece." I mean, did you see the title? Did you read the piece? It lists reason why a man isn't into you, it gives common red flags to run from.

Where are you getting the vibe that this is a "catch him and keep him piece?"

You're here projecting your "stuff" onto me and this site without any logical or valid reasons for doing so. Sounds like you need to center yourself.

We all know you ended up here doing an Internet search about men not being into you or dating red flags - meaning - you're having "man problems" and that's what brought you here.

Then you come here and slam me and all the other women on the site - as if you're somehow better. When we all know what brought you here in the first place and based on your language and your projection of emotion - it must've been a "doozy" of a situation.

"Humans are not a monogamous species."

Speak for yourself - monogamy is a choice. It's called "free will."

"Do you need to be looked after?"

No. Do you?

"If not, then who cares if a man stays!"

I don't care, but unlike yourself, I am able to understand that some women do care and I am able to show COMPASSION for them.

"Why are women the ones who need to go to such lengths to build and strengthen a relationship?"

They're not. And I don't believe that anything stated in this article implies that.

To the contrary of what you're projecting onto me, this article actually gives women the knowledge of when a man is giving off signals he not interested - and insinuates that "if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's a duck." Meaning - MOVE ON and FORGET HIM.

"Oh, and the sex double standard is really pissing me off. Guys are studs and women are sluts. Why?"

Show me one damn place on this site where I've made that statement. Otherwise, STOP PUTTING WORDS INTO MY MOUTH AND GO CLEAN YOUR OWN OUT WITH A BAR OF SOAP PLEASE.

"Cause a womens vagina is meant to remain pure while a mans penis can get dirty? Why would you want a dirty penis in your clean vagina?"

I don't often speak like this to commenters here - but you're a real piece of modern day trash, ya' know that?

"Come on ladies, use your fucking brains."

Next time, use yours before you open your filthy mouth.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And for all of the good, honest women here - my apologies for my previous comment response.

But I refuse to permit the projection of unwarranted anger and ignorance from a clueless commenter onto myself, this site or any of you ladies here.

So let's just keep moving forward ladies - stand strong ;-)

Anonymous said...

From: Anonymous 1836

Way to go Mirror. You hit everyone of her nails on her head. I have to keep a low profile as an anonymous on the internet because I have a high profile lifestye. She seems extremely jealous to me to have cut this site, and the ladies here who need this kind of advice on it down so viciously. I didn't read all of the posts here, but I read enough to know you are doing a really great thing here, FOR FREE!

I'm the newest commentor here, so instead of doing the continued from: I'll excuse this one time, that's it, I'll identify myself as Anonymous 1836 when I post.

I'm all about women not being tricked and fooled into useless relationships, relationships that are one-sided, with the benefits going to him and all she gets is NOTHING.

Anonymous said...

If he apologizes for being busy and says "I know your a good girl and I should be spending more time with you." Do I permit this? He manages a club and only has 2 days off...sunday and monday. Our work schedules are completely opposite. He doesnt get off work every night until 3 or 4 am..
How do I know if these are true red flags or if he just isnt that into me? He stayed at my house monday night, we watched a movie, cuddled and held hands. That night he didnt try anything! he kissed me on the forehead and went to sleep. The next morning he kissed me goodbye and later texted me thanks for breakfast. I texted him later that night and told him I enjoyed spending time with him last night and apologized bc i was still at work and couldnt talk. The response I get back is "its ok".....
wtf? he didnt contact me at all the next day. I dont know how to read this situation!? help me. please. should I ignore his next text?

Anonymous said...

If he apologizes for being busy and says "I know your a good girl and I should be spending more time with you." Do I permit this? He manages a club and only has 2 days off...sunday and monday. Our work schedules are completely opposite. He doesnt get off work every night until 3 or 4 am..
How do I know if these are true red flags or if he just isnt that into me? He stayed at my house monday night, we watched a movie, cuddled and held hands. That night he didnt try anything! he kissed me on the forehead and went to sleep. The next morning he kissed me goodbye and later texted me thanks for breakfast. I texted him later that night and told him I enjoyed spending time with him last night and apologized bc i was still at work and couldnt talk. The response I get back is "its ok".....
wtf? he didnt contact me at all the next day. I dont know how to read this situation!? help me. please. should I ignore his next text?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I texted him and asked if I'd done or said something to offend him"

Refrain from doing stuff like that dear (you don't want to display that you're insecure in any way).

"But then a couple of days later he texted and suggested we meet at his place and he would cook dinner."

My advice would be to refuse less than appropriate date offers (i.e. make him TAKE YOU OUT on a proper date ;-)

"Why had he invited his son and not told me?"

Probably to get his sons opinion of you, but I really don't like that, it feels like an ambush of sorts.

"What the heck???"

Yea, it's strange. But don't dwell on it. No real clue what this guy was up to here and as much as I hate to say it - I almost feel like he was being cheap and lazy.

Instead of arranging a proper date and treating you like a lady and spending quiet time with you, it's almost like he squeezed you into a regular family dinner instead - trying to kill two birds with one stone.

It's a bit lazy if you ask me :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@shruti sharma,
"I am in love with him now and I cannot be his friend so I told him so. But I would really like to know what he thinks of me."

I think you need to worry less about what HE feels and more about what YOU feel - as I believe you're the one sending mixed signals here dear ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 20, 12:59 PM,
"Im so confused. So confused. If he doesnt want to date me then stop texting me! its simple."

Maybe I'm missing something here - but when did he express that he didn't want to date you? Or are you actually misinterpreting the fact that he didn't use you sexually and instead, respected you, as rejection??

If so, that's all backwards dear. Men who race you into the bedroom DON'T have feelings for you - they want to USE you.

Men who wait and respect a woman's wishes are gentlemen. Don't fault him for that.

"He told me he respected that and wanted to take things slow."

And that's a bad thing?

I don't understand your concern here dear. I don't understand what you see as "wrong" here. This man is acting like a gentleman - I don't see what the issue is. Do you need for a man to sleep with you to somehow validate you as a woman? No disrespect but that's the feeling I'm getting here dear because - I really don't see what the problem is and as far as I can tell, he's never said that he didn't want to date you.

"How do I know if these are true red flags or if he just isnt that into me?"

I'm not seeing any red flags dear, I don't know what you're referring to.

"I dont know how to read this situation!?"

I think you're trying to hard to read into it. Men tend to not jump into relationships dear. And any man that jumps into sex is just looking to use a woman.

If he calls once or twice a week and sees you at least once or twice every two weeks - that's perfectly acceptable.

It's called "casual" dating dear, LOL ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I also find it a shame that we cant be friends because we both have feelings for each other."

You can be friends, there's no reason you cannot.

"So should I just ignore him? I feel bad for his girlfriend."

You can be his friend but nothing more at this point. I feel bad for her too.

But pay close attention to how he's treating her. . .that could be YOU someday.

Anonymous said...

these " red flags" are not indicators of anything, if your dissatisfied in a relationship, leave it
and on terms of getting into one, you only have one opportunity so don't take advice like " don't initiate asking him out" thats just stupid and won't get you anywhere.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yea okay...ask a guy out if you want. And when he disappears unexpectedly on you and without warning two weeks, or one or two months later...don't waste your time wondering why, LOL.

When a woman takes the masculine lead role and acts like a dude...she removes all of the fun for the man.

He can't enjoy being a man....because the woman steals that role from him.

And if that's working for you - why are you here looking at relationship red flags, LOL?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I figured I'd give you some other places to go tell people they're advice is stupid because you seem to be stuck here for some reason (L):


He's a man by the way, here's his closing line in that piece:

"Taking the initiative is not a right that men have over women; it is (or should be) a hurdle that women place in front of men to make them prove their interest."

Translation: The only way a woman can know if a man is truly interested in her, is if she permits him (forces him) to pursue her. Otherwise, she may end up a notch on his bed post and nothing more.

Here's another one (there are tons, but you can Google the subject yourself):


Take note in that piece that NONE of the techniques provided advise a woman to be the man (i.e. take the lead role and ask a guy out).

And here's one from a professional dating coach that signifies the importance of gender roles (something you seem to want to swap):


Gemini 50 said...

Hey L, what is your infatuation w/Ms. Mirror?

I can speak to the benefits and value of Ms. Mirror's support, encouragement and information. Whoever Ms. Mirror is, she is amazing! And she has many thankful followers.

With this site, women have regained their dignity by putting themselves first and holding back from giving themselves up to a man until he has proven he is worthy.

I'm still practicing, and so far, so good. I have my SELF back, and have learned new tools to keep my SELF together.

L: You offer nothing to substantiate your opinion. I haven't seen one legitimate, thought provoking argument from you.

Why not have a go at it and set up your own site... Good luck!

Unknown said...

Hi! (Hey this part went missing from my story) part 1
I have been trying to find someone out who can actually help me and may be you can with your prompt replies.
I have been in a mess in and out and I just want to know what's up in this guys mind.
I was in love with a guy for 7 years, let's call him S. He dated my best friends even when the 2 best friends and the guy knew I was in love with him. So long story short, I loved him unconditionally for seven years but he never did. Enters B. He was a junior from school and we had never talked. He always seemed to be high headed. So anyways we connected on FB 3 years back.That's 5 years after I had completed my schooling. So we used to talk, he knew I was in love with S and we used to talk on and off but there was always this comfort level that I never felt with anyone else. We laughed about our school days, I told him I never noticed him in school as such, I was always into co-curricular activities anyways and everybody knew me. He was ok with all of it. His elder sister was quite famous and I had no idea that she was his sister which came as quite a shock cuz everybody knew that. He lives in another state btw but his family lives where I live so he keeps coming here every now and then. So during my birthday 2011 he was here. And we had never talked on phone ever. But suddenly called me up on my birthday and wished me and said that may be we can catch up. I was very busy so I told him we definitely will. Then he went back and we couldn't meet. I dropped him a message apologising for the same. He said that's ok cuz he will be back soon and we can catch up then. We both started talking on bbm. A lot. My friend used to have a crush on his best friend. So he suggested that we should make them meet when he will be here next time. I asked my friend and she was ok with that idea. So some months later he came. I am usually not ok with meeting new people. But he somehow made me. We met, it was amazing. Both of us were into each other. Post meeting them I had plans with my friends for clubbing. But I invited them too. They agreed. We danced and had fun. I saw him looking at me and noticing my moves. Later that night he and his friend dropped us back. We talked after reaching back home. He told me that I dance superb and his friend thinks the same. It was all in good spirits. Next day he was leaving for vacation with his family. But even when he was with them, we talked 24 7. I kept telling him that we will catch up later. He should have fun with his family. He kept telling me about his trip, sending pics. All good. He came back. And had to leave for his state. I messaged him but he was in a bad mood.I tried asking him but he said ssshhh. So I gave him his space and wished him a safe journey. He reached back his state and we started talking. He said you know why did I say say ssshhh yesterday. I said because you wanted me to shussshhh he said because if you had asked me anything yesterday, I would have told you everything. I did not understand what he was trying to say. So I said you can tell me now. He said I will some other time. So I let it go. Time passed. We used to talk daily. All day.

Unknown said...

(And this too ) part 2 ( and MOA , I would be really thankful if you could throw some light and tell me what was going on. )
Sometime later my friend said that I was doing a wrong thing. I was making him fall for me even when I knew I won't be with him. That did not go down well with me cuz I did not wanna hurt him. I told my friend that we were just friends and there were no feelings involved but I decided to ask him. I asked him if he liked me. He said he liked talking to me. He liked dancing with me. He liked it when I sat beside him. Now I was a little freaked out. So I reframed the question and again asked him if he had feelings for me. He said liking is a feeling. I wasn't ready. So I told him that nothing could happen between us. He called me up and settled things a bit. Playing all cool and calm. I did not wanna lose him so I was back to being normal. But in 2-3 days I realised that I had something strong for him too. I told him that I am inclined towards him too. But nothing can happen between us. He asked me that if both of us like each other then why can't anything happen. I told him that I can't fall in love and also we live in different states. We let that go. We used to talk but things were a little weird now.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Shruti Sharma,
Your entire comment thread was already posted here and I've responded in the thread here.

There are over 200 comments here and several pages of them. You have to view the previous pages to see the string.

WISE OWL said...

A big red flag apparent to me, is the way men write their profiles in online dating. Some things I have noted they are very vague in "what they are seeking"(this will cover all women),seeking women aged very much younger and even lots older than themselves (covers more women) and stating how they so very much want a relationship, and is well worded with all the wonderful things we could do...just so women go ahh...and get reeled in to the bait on the hook. Do I sound sound cynical? Perhaps I am, however after six months experience in reading them, I think I can now decipher the genuine ones, from the players. Another red flag for me is men who describe is exact detail their requirements as if they are ordering at a restaurant..."you will be...or you should be.., and comments such as "you will be happy to attend my weekly gigs and" ... err no I wont...these guys who just think I have no life of my own, and am an empty shell, and are obviously so full of themselves they wouldnt be interested in me or anything I do. They are not interested in a woman for the long term- just anyone they can get into bed. And dont get me started about the online chat behaviour!.. these are red flags flapping accross the computer screen to me, and they say WHOA! DONT GO THERE
love and peace from WISE OWLx

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog and find it very useful, lots of thanks for it. I have the following problem: I met a guy online, we exchanged a couple emails and met in person. The date was a bit embarrassing, definitely not a love at first sight. I had an impression he´d contact me again but he didn´t.After a few weeks he reappeared and I accepted his asking me out. Since then we´ve been meeting regularly. I´m not sure about my feelings, that´s why I told him I needed a sufficient time to get to know a person. What annoys me is the fact he is often on the internet obviously contacting other women. We are only casual daters so I am not entitled to object, but actually I mind it as I am a sensitive and shy woman and I am not able to open up with him knowing he´s still looking for somebody. Please, what would you suggest doing in this situation: telling him I am bothered by his internet activities or cut him off and move on? Am I overly sensitive? Thank you for your advice.

Anonymous said...

I've been talking to a guy for a little over a year now and the whole time I made sure he was the one pursuing me and not vice versa. We are long distance (always have been - but we did discuss plans how to change that when we needed to). We talk on the phone , text, and email daily all throughout the day We've been on plenty of dates in both his city and mine (he paid 90% of the time & always picks great places).
Early on we talked about past relationships and what we expect in a partner. It was a very casual conversation and he revealed he had been in a 4 year relationship that ended due to his ex having trust issues and becoming too needy and because of that, he's hesitant about jumping into a serious relationship too soon and needs time. I agreed and we both decided we like each other enough and would like to see & talk to each other more before deciding anything. Since then I've been playing it cool.
This may have been a red flag, but he did say that although he's interested, we should still casually date others as well. At the same time he was still talking to me daily and still flying out multiple times to see me. We've also met each others families and he's met some of my friends. I figured I don't need a relationship title immediately when it already seems like we're headed in the right direction and we're both into it.................Now, a year later, I felt like it was finally time I got some clarity, so I casually asked if he has been seeing and/or talking to other people. He said he's been on a few dates but nothing serious. The problem is his Facebook behavior the last few months tells another story. He's been too chummy with a coworker of his & is definitely introducing her to many of his closest friends. I didn't want to accuse him of anything but that's why I even asked about his dating life in the first place. He went on to mention he doesn't know where we stand yet because we live so far away from each other. We talk a lot but rarely see each other. I agreed but suggested we could definitely see each other more if we both wanted to (I definitely want to). I also said that I hope he knows that I continue talking to him because I like him and not because it's someone to pass time with. He said he felt the same, just couldn't make a decision (relationship wise) right now because we don't see each other enough. I said ok and mentioned if there comes a time where he no longer wishes to explore this option he'd tell me. He then started acting a little odd & kept trying to downplay what we had as a friendship (I get it, he's not my boyfriend but we're very affectionate with each other (no sex though) and I know for sure everything else we do is not merely "friend" behavior).

Once I suggested him visiting, he hesitated and eventually fessed up there's someone else he's waiting on. Basically admitted I'm on the bench. I was thrown off guard and now offended he was never going to mention it unless I asked. He later suggested we just stay friends "for now" and after I started asking a few questions he said he sees no reason to explain himself and "why don't we make this easy and not even be friends?" I said ok and left it at that.

I'm truly hurt. I don't know if he lashed out after getting cornered by me or what. I figured after a year I could ask him something like this but I really did not expect this reaction. I'm not going to talk to him but I do REALLY hope he comes around. We were both emotionally into this. I know this for sure but now I'm left confused and heartbroken. Do you think there's any hope here or is this guy just pretending to be confused when really he knows what he wants and it was never really me?

Unknown said...

When will I get a prompt reply?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Shruti Sharma,
I've replied to you..twice already, this being the third time. Please read through the comment thread.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mar 24, 2013, 2:14 PM,
No, don't confront him verbally, he'll label you as "crazy" so don't give him that.

Don't say a word and don't take him seriously. If you'd like to continue casually dating him (no sex), feel free to do so. But if this is starting to bother you, cut him off and move on.

Either way, given that you're online dating, you should be actively casually dating other men yourself. The only time you should cease doing so is when a man expresses a desire for exclusivity with you or asks you for a commitment.

I'd give this piece a read as well:


Anonymous said...

I found this list to be very helpfull and I am learning to recognize these red flags. I have been single for 12 years now. I mean no exclusive relationship because I was always afriad of getting hurt. Last year I finally put myself out there dating, but have been dealing with jerks. In the time I have been away from the dating scene I did have a close friend (FWB status) we have known eachother for about 9 years and have been going back and forth. Just recently I have confessed that my feelings for him have been getting stronger and I can no longer ignore it. He told me that he can not give me what I want and I am wondering if its becuase of the way we started. I love and respect this man and he loves and respects me as well. He tells me all the time that he loves me but can not commmitt to me. I just wonder why if he tells me he loves me but can not be exclusive with me? I just take it for what it is and just remain friends for now. Also in reading this list I have found out that the guy I was recently dating which I ended things with him today because he was pulling the disappearing act on me after a wonderfull weekend and telling me how he wants to make me happy, wants things to work out. I have sent one text this past monday thanking him, got nothing and earlier today a simple good morning text got nothing back. So I simply told him that I thinks its rude to ignore me the way he is and after all that he said. He has done this in the past and he said he would work on that. Its clear that it was just a game to play with my emotions and I told him that I can no longer do this becuase I hate the way I feel after seeing him. I told him that I feel used and I am not happy. He got all offended and said he did nothing wrong. I said I am done and wished him well. he prety much said wow bite my head off.. goes to show how much effort i put in was such a waste of my time. I am wondering if I may have been too harsh?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mar 25, 2013 7:10 AM,
It's either or here dear and only time will truly tell the tale.

If I were you, I'd move on with my life. Don't wait around for him. If he truly wanted this, he'd take action steps to obtain it.

He may or may not reappear but either way, don't wait around for him because he's already informed you that he's otherwise in pursuit of another woman.

Stand strong and move on dear. He may be back an when/if he returns, next time, focus on his actions and don't swallow his words ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mar 27, 2013 4:20 PM,
"I just wonder why if he tells me he loves me but can not be exclusive with me?"

Because there's a difference from loving someone and being IN love with someone sweetie. You can love your sister, your mother, your close friends, etc. - but that doesn't mean that you're IN LOVE with them.

"I am wondering if I may have been too harsh?"

No, you're not being too harsh. He was attempting to emotionally manipulate you into feeling guilty by shifting the blame away from his poor treatment of you and placing the focus on you. People learn lessons via CONSEQUENCES dear:


And a consequence for a disappearing man that's taking you for granted and treating you poorly (http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html) is no contact:


Stand your ground and don't permit men like that to be a part of your life. Only permit men in your life that treat you as valuable.

Unknown said...

Hi There MOA
In a nutshell i was dating a man for over a year and we get along great, have never argued and have a deep emotional bond.For the past few months he's been saying he wants to meet other women but he cant because he's monogamous, when i told him i loved him he "ran away".I was very upset by this and I decided 3 weeks ago that I would break it off with him as although i loved him I love myself more and have made no contact with him since(a month now).He treated me very well and also like his girlfriend, but his actions and words don't match and i was getting very confused, he never told me he loved me but he always showed it, he looked after me and was very attentive, held my hand in public and cared for me we didn't always have sex when we saw each other, he was just glad to see me and loved being with me and I him,So when he told me "he loved me but he wasn't in love with me i was devastated' so I thought the best thing was to cut him loose, he seems very confused and emotionally all over the place.I don't know if he will come back to me, but i want to know what to say to him if he does . I'm so sad that I have lost
my best friend/lover, but was stepping away the right thing to do?

thank you

Coming out from under it said...

So, I was dating this guy for 5 months, after being celibate for 3 yrs... I liked him and we flowed so I thought... After 4 months into the relationship, and feelings progressed on my part, he tells me that he's been in an off/on relationship with another woman for 15yrs. Can't deny that I knew something was off. Called him on it several times and it was made out that I was delusional... Well, as I said feelings on my part had already formed, so walking away was not that easy, so I started the No Contact Rule. It work for all of 3 days and then I couldn't take it. Called and seen him... I knew I had to get from under this guy, so I again incorporated the no contact rule. It was going along fine, then he called on a friday night, I purposely made plans with my best-friend that night so I wouldn't be tormented by wanting to both talk and see him. Well he called before I was going out wanting to see me, I felt empowered that I could tell him no, that I had already made plans. I could tell that this response shocked him and I was thrilled, however he went on to say, call me when you get home. I said fine. So, yes, I did text him when I got home nothing too long just texted home and went to sleep. So the next day again I attempted to incorporate the NC rule and about 8PM I got a call and I answered and he says, "Hey baby, I've been trying to get in touch with you all day, I wanted to take you out. I told him that I was busy right now and would be tide up for a while. I wanted to go to the movies, but by the time I would be finished with what I was doing it would be too late. I was feeling some kind've way and wanted to see him, so I told him that we could spend the evening together and the next day, we could go to the movies. He said "cool baby, call me when you get home". It's been 3 weeks and I've heard nothing from him.... OUCH!!!! I wanted NO contact... I got it! I already know you going to tell me that He just was not that in to me... I get it! Just wanted to get this out. Because I'm coming up out of it! Have been tormented by the Why did he do that? Why did he say call me when you get home, knowing that he wasn't coming? What was that for?

Anonymous said...

Dear "Mirror of Aphrodite"
I was loving a guy for nearly 2yrs and it basically started through online, so it was a long distance relationship.I had never met him personally but i trusted him.He wasnt any kind of flirt and was a gentlemen.What i exactly want to knw is dat he really loved me or not.., to b frank he was completely into me, in such a way dat i had no place in our relationship, he was quite commanding and always expected me to do things which he likes and for him it was a way to express my love for him.He had put so many restrictions on me so as to not to talk wit any other guys since he was very possessive, i followed it since i cud understd him and ya now i realise dat i shudn have done it.He was the first love of my life, i respected his words and loved hima lot.!!I always did follow his words but ya not completely. His wish was not to talk wit any other guys i had it in mind but sometimes by mistake if i had a small conversation between me and some other and if he finds then it would be a big fight. I crossed his words many times but assured him to follow his words. He felt i would not follow his wishes and he decided to break up with me. i knw i have made lot many mistakes sometimes hurting his feelings...But does that mean he forgets me and dont want to talk wit me again.?? If he had really loved me then wil she say so? We truly shared all sort of feelings with each other.I felt he loved me because whenever he was with me he cared about me a lot. But when we fight he is least botherd to know anything about me. May be i made a wrong selection..All the way i was with him because i loved him truly irrespective of my feelings and now i realise that i made a mistake..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'm having a hard time understanding. He put restrictions on you, he was possessive, he attempted to control you, he would fight with you when you didn't follow his commands. . .if I were you, I'd be glad he was gone, when you're upset he doesn't care.

That doesn't sound like a good man to me.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your kind reply.!! Even i felt glad when he left me but since he always blamed me in our relationship that i was wrong in everything it has hurted me to the core.I will surely recover from it but may take some time.. Your blog is really good and motivating and im also glad that i could share my feelings and thoughts with you..Thank you once again.:)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror. There's this guy I started dating. A few days ago, he mentioned that he had some problems. I know that men don't like advice so I only asked him whether he wanted to discuss it. He said no and that he didnt need me. I found this quite tough, and I asked him 'ok you don't need me to solve your issues, but you need me in your life for some other reasons?'. He said that he didnt need anyone and that he didnt want me to need him because he found dependent women so unattractive. I'm very confused because I believe I'm an independent woman - I have a job, my own flat, I can drive. I don't need him to survive but I need him as a woman to be happier. I think there's a slight difference between being independent and needing your partner. Is there really a point to be with someone if you don't need him? Do you think he's a good man or I should just walk away? Thanks, I'm lost!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@patricia meek,
"was stepping away the right thing to do?"

Absolutely. I hate to be the bearer of bad news sweetie, but he loves you like a sister or mother, not like a lover :-( But don't beat yourself up over it, there's nothing wrong with you, it's just that these things happen and sometimes, things don't work out is all. Happens to every single one of us at one time or another.

If he comes back, don't respond immediately. It's time for a bit of no contact:


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Coming out from under it,
"What was that for?"

Honey I really hate to say this. . .but you let this guy toss you around. Don't EVER let a man treat you like that, ever. Don't set yourself up to walk right into something like that.

When a man repeatedly treats you poorly and takes you for granted, you do not reward him with affection and kindness. If your dog peed on the floor - would you give it a treat? Would you encourage more bad behavior by providing a reward for it? No.

Yet all of the "unspoken" language you transmitted to him here said, "Treat me bad and I will reward you with my attention."

So when he wanted your attention - he treated you poorly, because this is what you "taught" him to do with your actions. And when he realized that, he toyed with it. Some men do this dear, which is why you HAVE to protect yourself from it. You HAVE to walk away for your own good. If you don't respect yourself, why would anyone else? I'm sorry, but I think you already know this and if you don't ever want to feel this way again, take something positive from all of this. Learn the lesson in this and use it to empower yourself to respect yourself, look out for yourself and take better care of yourself dear.

You matter. You have value. You deserve to be happy. You DO NOT have to settle for poor treatment. You DO NOT need a man, you CHOOSE a man - and you DO NOT wait for one to choose you. You are strong, independent (not co-dependent) and you deserve to be happy.

Believe in that dear :-)

"Why did he do that?"

Because you permitted him to and because he knew he could treat you that way and get away with it :-(

"Why did he say call me when you get home, knowing that he wasn't coming?"

To see if he could manipulate and control you into doing so, into "reporting" in to him.

"What was that for?"

To prove that he has the power here, he has control over you (ego). It was a sign of disrespect :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, Mar 29, 5:08 PM,
Well, he's being honest dear. And what you need to understand is that men aren't women, they don't think like women and they don't have the same needs as women and they don't interpret feelings and emotions like women.

As a woman, you can't project your wants, needs and desires onto a man. Meaning, you can't say things like, "I like this and if I like this, that means he must too." You can't apply what YOU (a woman) would want, do or expect to say to HIM (a man).

You interpret things one way, he interprets them another. Men versus women dear, LOL. Two entirely different species.

So when you say things like this, " I don't need him to survive but I need him as a woman to be happier."

He hears this, "She NEEDS me. That means her every little whim in life, her every little emotion, her every little decision, her every little feeling - everything - she'll need me for everything. She needs a man to be happy and I'll have to work on ALL OF THOSE THINGS to make her happy."


Because she's not already happy with just herself.

That's "independence" dear, in the true sense of the word. Happiness "independent" of circumstances. (Circumstances being - a man in your life).

What he's basically hearing is, "Her happiness is DEPENDENT on a man." That's how that translates to a man.

"I think there's a slight difference between being independent and needing your partner."

I'm a woman and I don't need a man dear. I'm happy and I'm independent. I'm happy with or without a man. Yes, a man adds to my happiness, but I'm still perfectly happy without one as well. I feel fulfilled with my life, I don't feel a void or a space that needs filled. When a man enters my life, I slowly make space for him in it. He becomes meshed into my life but in the event it doesn't work out and he's removed from my life, there is no void. My life is still full :-)

And I think that's what he was saying to you. He did a poor job expressing himself, but he doesn't want to feel needed like a woman does, a man wants to feel CHOSEN.

Because there's a ton of needy women out there and men feel those women are fake in a sense. Meaning, they feel a needy woman needs ANY man, she's not being selective and CHOOSING a man. So when a guy hears, "I need a man to be happier" it translates to them as, "I will suck the life out of you because I need you to make me happy."

"Is there really a point to be with someone if you don't need him?"

Absolutely. The point of being with someone is to love them, not need them. People are drawn together because of one thing and one thing only, when you really boil it down:

They gravitate towards people that make them feel good.

When folks are gravitating together out of "need" it has a tendency to produce toxic relationships of co-dependency (dependent=need). And men instinctually know this - and they pull away from it. Dating someone because you need them isn't as pure as dating someone simply because you love being with them.

And that's what men want, a woman that CHOOSES them as something special, she's been very selective and he was special enough that she CHOSE him and and simply loves being with him and making him happy :-)

"Do you think he's a good man or I should just walk away?"

There's not enough to tell, but he was being honest dear :-)

Unknown said...

@patricia meek,
"was stepping away the right thing to do?"
I wish I'd found this site so much sooner

Thank you MOA,I forgot to mention this man was married to the same woman for 30 years and she left him 2.5 yrs ago, he did mention her a fair bit and used to tell me he was a' broken man".I rushed him into a sexual relationship a cpl of months after we met.I have always been there for him as i was his main support and comfort (he always ran to me) he's never had a chance to miss me and now it's been a month with no contact from either of us (I'm presuming he's waiting for me to contact him like i always have done).I never asked him for any commitment at all, but when he got drunk he used to tell me "he wanted to date" i never had any expectations from him and was always happy to see him and he me,If you saw us together you'd think we were a couple as we often got mistaken for husband and wife.What are the chances of him contacting me? I was previously married for 30 yrs and this whole scenario is weird to me, girl likes boy & boy is attracted to and really likes girl,It seems to normal but apparently it's not that easy anymore.I will not contact him so fear of that I wont be someones option anymore

Thank you


Anonymous said...

Hi There
Should people be friends first before getting into a relationship? I always believed if you couldn't be friends first then you'd have no chance living together (or is that wrong) and many men want this "red hot passionate affair" but they usually don't last for long .why don't they understand that real love takes time to build eg:like,trust,loyalty,respect,. Would you give me your view please before i make the same mistake again lol


Alana said...


Well said - I loved your response above. It captures everything I've always thought about independence.

What do you think of this though: http://www.blackandfemme.com/to-be-feminine-is-to-be-vulnerable/

It basically says that men like to feel needed in a woman's life to feel connected to her.

Seems like men want mutually exclusive things? I mean, how does that work - is it just a matter of different phases of a relationship, or that they want their cake and eat it too? lol

Happy Easter!


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Patricia Meek,
"What are the chances of him contacting me?"

My guess would be the chances are high - IF you DON'T contact him.

It won't happen overnight, but there's a good chance he'll gain the confidence to step forward again (once he realizes that you don't need him).

Women on this post:


Are using no contact and men are resurfacing, some of them months later. If a man is genuinely interested and he's a confident man, he'll resurface :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 30, 6:20 AM,
"Should people be friends first before getting into a relationship?"

Absolutely dear. Looks fade and when you're both old and gray, sitting on the sofa, if you're not friends - you won't want to be there.

In the end, after the years pass, it's the bond of friendship that remains the deep connection.

"men want this "red hot passionate affair" but they usually don't last for long"

Many men confuse lust for love. Lust and love are two entirely different things. The lust appeals to them, but then months later when the flame dies down, they can't understand why their feelings have changed.

And the reason is because they confuse an intense physical, sexual attraction (lust) for love.

You don't want to date men who chase "the high" dear. Date only men who appreciate you for who you are and are willing to take things at the pace you're comfortable with. Those are the men that can make you happy, and that you can make happy :-)

The others are just a bunch of "love addicts" chasing the "high" - and they'll be gone just as quickly as they arrived.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think it's a bit of both - phases and cake and eat it too syndrome in some cases, LOL.

But I understand the concept and yes, it's an important one. But what needs to be realized is that being vulnerable places you in a weaker position. While it's necessary to expose that to a man (eventually), the reality is that it's also dangerous to do so.

Therefore, there's a time and a place for it.

Meaning, you do not become vulnerable with just ANY man - and you don't do it in the very early days of a relationship. The time and place for that is once a committed relationship has become the reality.

Because it is at THAT time, once the man expresses a desire for exclusivity and commitment - that a woman can feel SAFE showing her vulnerable side.

And I don't consider being vulnerable the same as "needing" someone. They're actually two entirely different things:

The definition of "vulnerable:"

"Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation."

The definition of "need:"

"Circumstances in which something is necessary."

So they are two entirely different things. When a woman is vulnerable, it DOES NOT mean she is NEEDY. It simply means she's is willing to succumb (become submissive and follow a man's lead, submit herself to a man).

However, when a woman is needy, it means that she NEEDS the man and without him, she cannot survive.

One is a choice, the other is a need.

For instance, I don't NEED a man. I'm perfectly happy without one and have a full life without one. However, when a good man comes along and he's proved himself worthy and proved he's genuinely interested by asking for exclusivity, then yes, I can CHOOSE him. I can CHOOSE to submit to him as "my man" and as "my leader" in a sense. Meaning, I'm now willing to work as a "team" with him, instead of singularly.

Vulnerability is a CHOICE (it's you picking a man that you feel is manly enough to lead you and as a result, you kind of step back and let him do so.)

Need is NOT a choice, it's a "must have." It places one in a position of not being able to actually be selective and choosy, but rather, taking whatever comes along and then becoming attached to it (co-dependent) in an unhealthy, toxic way.

When being vulnerable as a woman, you still have a choice and you can still remain independent in many ways (choosing when to submit and when not too).

When being needy as a woman, you have no choice. The "need" outweighs your ability to make a choice, therefore, removing control (independence) and replacing it with lack of control (dependence).

One is healthy, one is not :-)

Alana said...


Thanks for the thoughts. A lot to take in - this stuff is complicated!


Unknown said...

Me and my boyfriend have been together for two yearut we do fight alot so there were afew times when i left gor a day or two and he left for a day or so. Every time i would leave he would call me wanting me to come home. I usually said no because i didnt want to fight. i havent called him either. He is a natural cocky asshole, but i think this attracts me to him. I know he loves me but he jusg isnt trying anymore like he used too. Wel just a week ago i left and he hasnt called me at all. He said i wasnt happy. I really love him and i want this relationship to wirk. Can you tell me how to make it work?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Brookelynn Coker,
"Can you tell me how to make it work?"

No dear, unfortunately there is nothing that a woman can do to MAKE a man love her or want to be with her. The man has to want that too.

Anonymous said...

As a man, I think only two bad points are being given in the article here.

A girl should never ever initialize a date? I think this is wrong. If I girl asks a guy to date the guy should always say yes, because it suggests to the guy this girl likes him. I think the guy should always organize the dates, but if the girl starts asking the guy after time (not straight away), imagine how happy he will feel.

The other one is phone calls. Guys aren't good talkers, remember stats show that females talk a lot more than males, males prefer face to face conversation, and thats why dating was invented. So in general the phone is used to make dates and emergencies, the conversation can happen when you are together enjoying a meal or doing something together.

Apart from that the point is to have fun, remember there are plenty of guys out there, don't get hung on bad relationships, move on, filter out the bad ones and eventually you will find the perfect match! This is why you should wait for marriage before going to the bedroom together kids!

Best regards!


Countrygirl said...

Dear Mirror,

What to do. I've know X since we were teenagers. We had flings with each other over a 2 or 3 years, then we both dropped out of each others lives. 20 years later his marriage has broken down(last october), and after much searching he has tracked me down once more via Facebook in january this year. Dont know why really as he was never short of female company. He was a real ladies man. We began messaging on FB everynight, and eventually met up about 6 weeks later and spent a weekend together in february. It was great. It didnt feel as though 20 years had passed at all. We went out and about and then i left again. We have continued to stay in touch, but not as frequently. He has alot to resolve with not only his separation, but his business (in partnership with his ex), and he has 2 young children aswell. He said he loved me the other night, although he was abit tipsy i think so i didnt take much notice of it. Anyway since then, contact has been less frequent. He's pulled back, so i have. I havent initiated first contact,i've let him do that. I know in my own mind i should walk away as there is way too much baggage at the moment, but its not that easy.....or is it??. To cap it all we are both almost 50 years old, we are not teenagers anymore. Help !!!

Countrygirl said...

PS - His ex has a new partner and they are planning to move in together shortly.
I guess he was/is feeling battered,bruised and middle aged, and maybe i was just a distraction to stroke his ego and prove he still had "it" !!

Peter said...

@Brookelynn Coker,

I would forget contacting him for now and let him have some space to think. You both need time to settle and look over whats gone on in your own way.

He probabaly won't be in the right mind to speak to you thats why he's not calling. You need to go into "None Contact". Let him process the situation in his own time. If he wants you he will call you in his own time. While doing this clear your own head and keep moving forward. If its going to happen it will but you can't stop yourself going on with life waiting for him.

You left him and he thinks you're not happy. He needs to process that and figure out where to go with it. Men need that time to do this thinking in their own way.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Spoken like a true man, LOL ;-)

"imagine how happy he will feel."

My friend, the ENTIRE point of wooing a WOMAN is to make HER feel SPECIAL - not yourself dear.

In addition to that, Mother Nature has assigned us gender roles eons ago that have not changed, nor will they ever. And courtship rituals accompany those gender roles:


The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested and is genuinely worth HER time - is to see if HE pursues HER. (Because if you, as a man, expect a woman to court and pursue YOU, it greatly reduces your masculinity in the woman's eyes and her attraction for you will diminish). Here's a piece, written by a man, stating the same thing:


There's an unspoken language in relationships my friend, and it's one of masculine versus feminine energy. As a man, if you expect to be courted, you exhibit feminine energy. Taking the lead (as you say it's okay for a woman to do) is exhibiting masculine energy. It's a complete and total role reversal and it also leaves the woman feeling her man is less than manly (i.e. over time she becomes disappointed with him, with his lack of leadership and masculinity, and her attraction and respect for him slowly diminishes).

"So in general the phone is used to make dates and emergencies"

Again my friend, you're thinking about yourself here, LOL. As a man, you need to strive to fulfill a woman's needs if you expect her to fulfill yours. Women need this type of verbal communication to bond with men and to feel secure in the relationship that's being built. If you don't strive to make a woman feel secure and at least provide a minimal amount of what SHE needs, you can't expect her to make herself available to you to fulfill YOUR needs then.

Because women pay very, very close attention to a man's "willingness" to please her. As a man, if you don't show a willingness to fulfill her needs and strive to please her - then she won't do any of that for you either, and she'll eventually leave, feeling dissatisfied and disappointed in the man over his lack of leadership, masculinity and his unwillingness to think of her or her needs above his own when necessary.

Relationships are give and take my friend :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror,

I hung out with this guy for almost two months and he made it clear that he liked me. I found out from a mutual friend of ours that he always talks about me to his friends and he really likes me. So we ended up getting into a relationship and everything was great! Then a short time after we started dating he just pulled away and I am struggling to figure out why. Please help me figure this out.

Anonymous said...

me and my ex bf broke up 6 years ago..after that i sended him a song miss you by enrique iglesias ..we didnt talked for 6 years ...recently we talked just as normal friends and he told me he missed me.than random talks suddenly he mentioned me that songs reminds me of u...he is single.since.our.broke up..i dont understand what he meant by mentioning about the song after such a long time.

Anonymous said...

I went out with a guy who i met on a dating site, we went on two dates about 4 days apart. He was a really cool guy (very quiet though)and we have a lot in common. A few days later he texts that he was attracted to me and i'm a great person but wanted to just be friends. I've only contacted him once since then and it was a pretty short text, he replied. But he hasn't initiated anything since, its been about 2 weeks. I haven't contacted him either. Should i just move on?

Anonymous said...

There's a guy I've been dating and on the 3rd date, he joked that he didn't wanna be my sugar daddy, so asked me why don't I pick up the check. So I paid for the both of us even though we shared a meal. Another time, he didn't wanna drive from the suburbs to the city to meet me cuz he just drove 3 hours yesterday and he has a messed up back. Then I stayed over and we made out but didn't have intercourse, he asked if I wanted a valerian or something for sleep so I mentioned chamomile tea. He said he's too tired to make tea. The next morning he mentioned how me parking in his buildings garage costs $16 and that the train and bus come right to his building. Later he texts me that if I wanna be his only girlfriend that we need to have sex regularly. We have a lot of things in common and have fun together but is he a loser?! Please help!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

This guys full of himself and he acts like being his girlfriend is Jain to winning some sort of prize or contest. A boogie prize at best..him being the boob.

What's there to help you with? Why would you need help with a wuss of a man and an immature, arrogant, entitled fool like this? Why would you even be attracted to this man, LOL? He's a bum and a total loser.

It's real easy to help you here...tell him to go screw himself, you've got bigger fish to fry. I don't even understand how time spent with a man like that is enjoyable.

Anonymous said...

hy i met this guy by coencidence .neva seen him befor but he claims to have seen me .on the day he says he wants to dat me,he says he loves me but we have only just met for hours .next day he tryes to sleep with me .i had sex with him a week later but he seldom kisses me he just wants to sex no fore play . he doesnt call me .or text he seldom replies my messages or returns my call .all i do is complain . i want to end d relationship but he says am too impatient . i feel am not hes prioty . i feel hes using me but i dont know wat to do or how to leave him . please advise

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's very easy to leave a caveman that's treating you like that dear - you simply leave. You do not contact him, you do not see him.

It's that simple.

Anonymous said...

....thank you soo much

Anonymous said...

been with this guy for 7 yrs, says he cares about me, but we cannot have a relationship cause he feels bad if we did get married i couldn't travel with him due to me being on dialysis. for example if he goes with his motorcycle group he wouldn't go cause he feel that i would be upset. then i stop talking to my guy friend cause he felt i cannot talk to another male without doing things. but he has all this female friends he did sleep with one and wanted me to to the same, but i backed out.....So, do you think I should question him to see if he is still having sex with her or the other females?

Anonymous said...

Dating him bout year he says he loves me but hasn't introduced me to parents hes been to weddings funerals didnt ask me go never been on date ive asked him out he always has a,excuse back out haven't spent a holidays or bday ive acknowledge him with gifts on father day Valentine day bday i cook loan out money im so miserable loving this man in a lonely relationship

Anonymous said...

I have been friends with the guy I'm dating now for 8 years we were best friends we started datin 7 or 8 months ago I slept with him sooner than I should ave I was virgin and he only guy I've been with I became pregnant bout month after we started datin he asked me to marry him and I excepted but he would never set date. He came to see me everyday short time after he found out bout the baby he quit his job he really made no effort to get another one till just recently but his parents baby him so they had taken over payin his bills. He started off tellin me his friend really needed him asked if it would be ok to spend soe time with him of course I said that was perfectly fine but he started seein me less and less then he told me he was sick I didn't see him for a month then his uncle got put in hospital he keot sayin ill come soon ill come soon he was lookin for us a house and stuff but doesn't bring it up much anymore its been 3 months and I've seen him 2 times I am almost 7 months pregnant now I told himm I felt he didn't want me anymore that he didn't love me said he still wants me and he loves me but yet his actions don't meet up with his words so is he not into me anymore or is he just scared idk and I'm desperet for help can you offer me any advise

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

He's a bum and a "man child:"


He'll probably disappoint you as a man and as a father. I'd stop focusing on him and what he's doing and thinking and start focusing more on what you need to do and what you're thinking and this baby that's about to arrive into the world.

File a petition for child support (it's free and it doesn't matter if he works or not, let the courts sort it out) because you need to think about your child now. And your child is entitled to receive monetary support from it's father to ensure that it has the best chance in life as possible. You're going to need that money to provide for this child because it's going to be very expensive to do so.

So focus on yourself and focus on this child, forget him. File the petition for child support (and if he fights you or begs, pleads, etc. ignore it, this money is for your child, not for you, so you make sure you receive a judgment for it). Don't let him attempt to manipulate you into not doing so. It's time for him to grow up, man up and stop thinking about himself and start thinking about his unborn child.

Make sure you get that petition for child support in place once that child is born - ASAP.

If you don't and you let him manipulate you into not doing so - you will not be placing your child first. Your job is not to make his life easy, your job is to be a good mother and to make sure that your child has all of the opportunities in life that it deserves.

Do not fail your child. Get the support order immediately once this child is born. And don't let him get in the middle of that by arguing with you about it.

Let the courts deal with him. You focus on yourself and your child.

misslaf said...

Hi there,
I have a situation that I would really appreciate your opinion on.
I have an account on OkCupid and I received a message from this guy and the whole day we were messaging back and forth with each other, talking about everything. He was saying how much he liked things that he noticed on my profile (emotional stuff like how I value dedication in a relationship and how I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve). He asked when we could meet and so I gave him my number; that was on a Wednesday.

I couldn't meet until the next Tuesday, so from the time he had my number he would text me good morning and goodnight and randomly throughout the day, every day. He would say things like, he feels such a connection already and already some level of comfort and just really sweet. I felt the same but kept my guard up because we hadn't even met yet.
We met on Tuesday and it was GREAT! He made me a mixtape (CD) for me, because my birthday happened to be the next day. We listened to it and he explained why certain songs meant something to him and we made out in my car for hours.
He was the same the next day (my birthday) with the texting and asked when he could see me again and we decided the next day (Thursday).
We hung out at my place and it was great, fooled around a little but no sex. When he left he was the same with the good night and the next day with the good morning and text convo that day (Friday).

Sorry it's such a long story, but basically after that friday he wasn't the same. Didn't text me all weekend and then when I asked if everything was okay, he said sorry he had a busy weekend. And I told him that I thought he was blowing me off. He said, "That's nice." But after that friday he wasn't the same. I figured maybe he wanted to see more effort from me, so I decided to text good morning the next morning and he would reply, but the convo was never the same. So I decided not to text him anymore and he hasn't texted me. It's been about a week. And I stopped following him and I blocked him on my instagram.

I'm telling you, he was so sensitive and open about his emotions and everything and then all of a sudden he just didn't care.

Everyone is saying it isn't anything I did. And I don't necessarily care that it just didn't work out, but WHY? I just want to know why? Why couldn't he just tell me he didn't want to talk to me anymore?
How can a guy be or act so into me and then out of no where, he stops?

I would really appreciate your help.
Thank you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I just want to know why?"

Because he's on an online dating site sweetie. He's dating other women and exploring his options and it appears that at this particular time, he's exploring another option.

"Why couldn't he just tell me he didn't want to talk to me anymore?"

Well, first of all, that's the reality of online dating. Lots of rudeness and disrespect in the way things are handled on those sites.

Next, he didn't tell you he didn't want to talk to you anymore because he may be back. He's exploring his options, and he's keeping you open as an option.

"How can a guy be or act so into me and then out of no where, he stops?"

It happens everyday dear, particularly in the online dating world.

When a woman is dating online, she should NOT place all of her eggs in one man's basket. She should do as the men there do and openly explore her options by actively casually (no sex) dating others as well.

Anonymous said...

so there is this guy who has been pursuing me for close to 3yrs. I got with him for a short while about a year ago as a rebound after a bad break up. We have never slept together because I am celibate. I rejected him at the time because he really wanted sex and also because I thought he wanted to control me with his money. I went quiet on him for slightly over a year. So we started talking again about 3 months ago and for the first 2 months he was very consistent in calling then as I started getting attached to him he has cut down on communication. Interestingly though he calls my dad alot. My aunt got sick and he sent his brothers to give blood as she needed a transfusion...I am confused as to why he is winning over my family and is not communicating with me. And he is not rushing me for sex this time...he talks abt it but doesn't push. So I am very confused...I now genuinely like him because he allowed me to know him on a deeper level than when we dated.

Anonymous said...

I would love somebodies opinion on this!

I have been seeing a guy for 7 months now, we are in college together. We act like a normal couple. Go out together, stay at each others house, go away together. I have met some of his family and he has met some of mine. However he never wants us to progress to "relationship status". He says he is not ready and is afraid things will change. This makes me feel very bad and we are often fighting about it.

However a few days ago I told him that I can't do it anymore as I would prefer to be called his girlfriend. From what I've read online and heard off friends if a guy really likes you then he would have no problem being with you and there is no such thing as a "commitment phobe". He was in a relationship for 3 years (they broke up a year ago) and said he didn't enjoy it, so I just thought putting the words "relationship" on it made him feel as if we would go sour. He also said that he made a plan in his head when him and the ex broke up that he would not have a relationship for another few years.

But anyway in the end he decided he would prefer to try a relationship with me as he likes me too much to end things. So here we are. But I cant help but think I forced him into it and this is making me feel really bad.

Should I see how things go or is it just not worth it?

Anonymous said...

Hi, hope you can help with this one! My now ex is in the forces and only comes home every two weeks. We had been dating for 6 months but had met 10 years ago when we were fairly young. When we started dating I had recently come out of a relationship of 3 years. He is still married to his estranged wife who cheated on him and left him for another man. He has massive trust issues and I failed to tell him something about my family background during our relationship. When he discovered this he asked me about it and I tried to play it down...it was something that I hadn't felt ready to tell him and he said that he now can't trust me so it is over and he just wants to be on his own. During our time together he regularly took me to see his family and we really got on well. I thought that he could be the one as I felt very comfortable with him. He has since told me that had I not kept something from him he would not want to be alone. We talk via tx every few days and he has told me that he still misses me. We have agreed to be friend and he has told me he always wants me to be a friend but can't bring himself to trust me with his job keeping him away from our home town so often. He told me that if he lived near by that it would be possible but there is not a chance of that. I have very deep affection for him and can understand where he is coming from. I have tried to think logically about his thoughts but fail to find a mans point of view. Is there any advice u can give me on how I should approach this. I really do want a future with this man and he always threaded me as though I was that important to him. He did talk about future plans even 6 months in and he told me a few weeks b4 he broke it off that he was falling for me. Any honest advice would be appreciated. Thanks

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 8, 2:27 PM,
He gave you what you asked for in order to make you happy and make sure he didn't lose you to someone else. So why would you now turn around and reject him for that?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 9, 6:15 PM,
It's a bit difficult for me to comment as I'm not sure what the situation about your family background involved.

However, I will say that something about your family background really should not be a reflection on your relationship with him. No one is perfect and when you care for someone, you accept them flaws and all. And there are things in life that you simply just don't blurt out to people right away, you wait for the right time.

So I'm guessing that this was a situation like that. And when the time was right, you divulged the information to him. I'm somewhat thinking that it's HIS trust issues that are affecting his logic with regards to a situation like this. And I'm not sure how it ties into trust issues in anyway, but it's apparent that he lets his trust issues negatively affect his decisions.

We all have them to a certain extent, myself included. My ex began cheating on me 3 years into our marriage. But do I accuse others of cheating on me because of it? No. Do I feel that others will cheat on me because he did? No. Do I let my fear of infidelity affect my decisions about men and relationships? No. Do I let my fear control the decisions I make about whether or not to enter into a relationship? No.

You can either let negative feelings of fear and insecurity steer the wheel, or you can consciously control your thoughts and use positive feelings of logic and common sense to make those decisions for you.

It's called free will.

And if he chooses to live in fear and to let fear control his decision making process, then that isn't something you can control dear, that's on him. Someday, he's going to have to trust again if he intends to find happiness. He sounds a bit damaged to me at this time and I'm not sure he's emotionally ready or healed enough to enter into a relationship with at this time.

Anonymous said...

There is this guy am dating to close to one year now.he opened up recently and told me that he has feeling for a friend he knew way before me,and I know her too.everything has been alright btw us two,I have always felt that he loved me,and says so too.he involves me in his every future plans and he tells everyone am the girl he's gonna marry very soon.his family knows me and same on my side.but after he told me he has feelings for the other girl I got confused.he said he did that coz I would help him to forget about what he feels for her and work on our future.kindly tell me what that means cz an Sokol confused now.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 10, 8:06 AM,
I don't think there's any mystery here regarding what his words mean. I think he explained himself clearly and his words mean exactly what he said.

However, knowing that, I don't think it's worth the risk entering into a relationship with a man that currently has strong feelings for another woman. If it were me, I'd thank him for his honesty and I think I'd probably pull back, distance myself from him and move on. I'd let him resolve his feelings for the other woman on his own. I wouldn't risk being possible collateral damage in this situation. I'd let him sort this out on his own and then once he does, I'd extend my willingness to permit him into my life again afterwards.

But I would not stay in a relationship with a man that has strong feelings for another woman because there's a very high probability that that could cause pain for you somewhere along the line.

Anonymous said...

I used to date a guy who went cold on me after a few months. He gave me the "it's not you, it's me" line but a month later he was in a relationship and is opening a business with his current girlfriend after being with her for 8 months. It's a little heart breaking because I wonder if he was seeing her while he was seeing me and decided she was better. It obviously was me, and he told me later I "freaked out" on him when all I did was react to how he was treating me. I'm very confused. It's confusing why they would open a shop together after a seemingly brief period of time. I still can't really get my head around it...

Anonymous said...

I have been dating this guy for a couple of weeks and everything is going great. We went on our first date and the following date we asked me for breakfast, later on that week he went on vacation and he still texted me everyday, like I said everything seems to be running smoothly. I forgot to mention and this is very important that we were dating about two years ago but I stopped talking to him to talk to another guy. We talked about what happened two years ago, the night we reunited, nothing in great detail and I told him then the reason; he told me that he respected me for being honest and had no grudges against me or else he wouldn't be on our date... I felt really bad after and until this year I decided to congratulate him for his birthday, he sounded happy that I remembered and asked me to meet up some time which we did.
He is not the type to be playing games and my birthday is in two days, I invited him to my birthday celebration to which he said he would go. But yesterday, after not talking all day said that he had bad news; that his family is throwing a surprise birthday party for his aunt and can't make it to my birthday.
I feel like he's not that into me all of the sudden and is only making up excuses because he is not willing to meet all of my friends (which he already knows some of my girlfriends). I thought even if it is his aunt's birthday party on Saturday shouldn't he want to spend my birthday with me? He asked me to tell him if we are doing anything after, since my thing is during the day. I told him that I don't have anything planned because I don't and I wanted him to be there.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, I think your right about him being a bit damaged. I just don't know if being friends with him is helping matters. He has left such a massive hole in my life that I feel that any contact with him, good or bad is better than none. Do u think that continuing the friendship is a good idea? The family thing was to do with my mum and dad. He feels that keeping that from him means I could keep anything from him and that I would hide things from him. I'm lost.

Anonymous said...

Hi there, MOA. I have been reading you website and I think you are just marvelous in terms of practicality and insights. I am so hopping you can help me with my problem. I met a guy on an online dating site in Jan 2013 and initially, I was not interested in him at all. He was courteous, even genteel in the way he wrote me but I told him thank you but no thank you and although I was on the online dating site, I was actually not there to find anyone - it was my first time joining one and I wanted to see how the mechanics work in case I need to use one later when I am ready. I am currently in my mid 40's and he is in his late 40s. Anyways, later when I left the online dating site (I was there for only a month because I was curious), I did send him my personal email since he wanted to keep in touch and because I wanted someone to confirm that my online profile has been completely removed and he was going to help me confirm that. We emailed each other after that, mostly about the weather and short summaries of what was happening in our lives and our part of the world. In early March, he emailed me his mobile number and since I was leaving the country in mid March, I thought why not just give him a call to say good bye and called him the day before I was leaving (remember, I was still not interested in any relationship at that point). We spoke till midnight (actually he was doing all the talking because I am usually quite shy with people I don't really know although from our emails, he sounded quite respectful and friendly) and then we kept in touch via email only. I moved country and didn't give him my new mobile since I am a bit wary about virtual people. We continued emailing and he told me more about himself and his divorce and his family, sending me pictures of them. I called his mobile towards end of March because he sent me an email stating he was very depressed because it was his dad's birthday and his dad was deceased and he missed him. So I called to cheer him up, as I would for any friend. Quite honestly, one thing led to another and soon we seem to be more than friends although everything still transacted via email. I did break your rule on being the first to call him on 2 occasions - one was when he was depressed and the other on Easter because he told me his kids would be with his ex-wife and he had just moved to this new town and didn't really know anyone there and I felt sorry for someone to spend Easter without the family. He did call me twice - once when my mobile credit died the 1st time I called him and 2nd time was when his daughter went into a major surgery and something tragic happened to his aunt. Cont.

Anonymous said...

Cont. (Part 2)
Well, he text me and wrote to me quite frequently since my 1st call to him and we discuss what was important in a long term relationship for each of us. I reminded him a few times that I was not heading that way at the point. But he was persistent and soon after enough exchanges, he seem to indicate I was the only female he was keeping in contact with (I asked) and clarified our objectives etc. There were a few things I like - if he said he would call, he really would call. If he said he would write, he would really write even though he reached home really late that night after working out of town. He is pretty consistent in that sense and he told me I had all the attributes he really wanted to see in a long term relationship and I made him feel special and he really wanted to meet up with me so we can see if there is a connection between us. Initially he wanted to fly over to where I was to meet me in April but I was not receptive since I wanted to settle my life after shifting country. Then he said he would come over maybe late June, early July but there is no fixed date because he needed to check against his children's school holidays. Now, I feel that is a pretty lame excuse given the school holidays are fixed (I assume they are calendared event since I don't have any kids of my own) and yet, he has not made any plans or firmed up dates to meet up. And as your web site stated, if a guy is serious, he should be telling his friends about me and I don't see that although I have shared with my girl friends about him since I was a bit confused and needed a sounding board. He told me about his closest friends (mostly women and some men) and I don't get the feeling he even told them or discuss me with them. Without an actual date to meet and giving me any notion of telling his mates about me, I am not sure he is serious about me so I have turned our email conversation back to general topics (like the weather and general events happening) and stopped going into regions of more personal items such as my dreams, his dreams and plans etc. He then emailed me to ask me if I had considered in the long term where I would like to be settled and he indicated that he moved to this new town because he wanted to be with his teenage kids. I told him, since we have not even met, it is moot to even discuss this. After that, his emails started to be less frequent so I thought maybe he is not interested. Right now, he is traveling with his son on vacation in US and he text me twice from there, every time he changes locations. Text are short - tells me where he is and how they are faring. So I am really confused - because I feel its mixed and I am also unsettled myself. Is he serious or is he texting me just because he sees me as a friend?

Anonymous said...

Cont (Part 3)
Sorry for the really long story but I guess my question is - Is he into me or not? I am a very straight person and hate mind games and don't like wishy-washy stuff. If yes, I will work on it. If not, I will just work on closing my heart, licking my wounds and moving on. I hate not knowing what the heck is going on. I am already starting the non-contact advice because I don't want to seem desperate but being female, once my emotional side is triggered, it is really hard to not just wait by the Mac and wait for his email or check for his text. Please help advise. I am normally very logical but I suspect because of my emotional stakes in this, I am being irrational and I would hate to make excuses for any guy. Thanks so much!

VirgoPal said...

This is to address some of the posts above. Sometimes it is really them and not YOU. I was in a similar situation with a doctor who disappeared on me like unexpectedly after everything was going well. Well I found out he was trying to sleep with another girl, since I wasn't putting out for him. He came back, and I gave him ANOTHER chance to just make sure it wasn't me who put too much pressure on him or whatever. It was the same old scenario. I put the clamps on any attempts he had to seduce me and haven't heard from him since.

Sometimes men choose a certain girl because she is a better fit for who he is at that moment in time. If he is insecure and you are not, then you will ultimately not be a good match. If he is looking for just sex and you want a relationship, you are not a match. Thank your lucky stars they're gone because it would've been a mess regardless!

Do you really want to be with a man who is insecure and probably would've cheated on you with another woman?

Do you really want to date someone who doesn't have the emotional maturity to be honest with you?

You DON'T! Ladies- move on!

Anonymous said...

@VirgoPal -- Thank you for your response to my "it's not you, it's me" post. I think your point about men choosing a certain girl because it fits them at the time is very accurate. On hindsight, all the red flags were there, but I kept telling myself things would be ok. I made the poor choice to sacrifice so much for him, thinking he would reciprocate, but he never did. I should feel sorry for the woman he has opened a shop with. He has a history of switching careers on a whim. She probably doesn't realize her current business venture with him may be temporary. After doing a bit of research on him (after the fact) I found out he actually has a record for ripping people off and he always changes his name and persona along with careers until people find out what he is. Then he moves again and starts the whole cycle over. He is a con-artist. I guess I am lucky I didn't have any money to invest in his last career as a photographer, even though I currently don't have a job because I was foolish enough at the time to think he and I would be working together. It was a very tough lesson to learn. I know better now. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

OK well I was seing a man and he lives 2 hours away. Due to our circumstances of being far away from eachother and not being able to see one another on a regular basis we have been texting and calling eachother on a daily basis. I started to talk to this man around November of last year. We met up this past Saturday and no I have not gotten intimate with him, we had a good time. Since then he has been distant and not really putting in the effort. I told him how I felt that he is neglecting me. He said he was sorry for making me feel bad, but then last night he never called me back after he said he would. he rushed me off the phone and we had plans to hang out tonight so I was calling him to make sure our plans are set in stone. so I dont understand what had happened and I told him that our talk that we had the night before was for nothing because he is neglecting me all over again. rushing me off the phone and ignoring my text messages. I told him how this thing between him and I will not work out and he said. OMG FINE!. I asked him why was he so upset when all he had to do was call me and let me know he was busy and maybe I would not have acted the way that I did. Did I do the worng thing. I like this man but maybe I am being a little bit too needy. please advise ty

VirgoPal said...

Honestly, if a guy is ignoring you...then move on. I think you were also being a little too needy in the interaction, but I get a sense you are frustrated by the pace of the relationship. I have a deadline with men. If by SIX months things are not moving forward, I move on! I won't waste my time on a man who doesn't seem very keen on having a relationship with me. This guy obviously is in no rush to claim you, so why sit around waiting for him?

Anonymous said...

I've been with a guy for two years and it come to the point that we started to live together, engaged. After some time he become aloof and started to back out. I did not talk much and focused on my work. After a while I've started to ask him what is wrong and he did not tell. It come to the point that I'v started to gradually ask him, step by stem what is wrong and did not hear much. I've told him to move out if he will not be able to explain. There was some drama involved, but he did. Next time I've called him he put me on the speaker so that his new sex friend was able to hear how angry I was. She was coming from the shower and her 3 year old son was next to the dude. I felt humiliated and now I do want to make him suffer. He told that after we broke up he wanted to be honest with his new "friend." He still have some of my staff and after I've demanded that he will give me back, he ignores me all the time. Help!

Anonymous said...

I love this article. But I'm still a little confused. I think I just need someone to spell it out in black and white for me.. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and half. We moved in together pretty much from the get go(his idea, but I was fine with it). Last month I finally moved out because my friend told me that he'd taken another girl to his staff Christmas party. This combined with the fact that he'd been messaging a lot of girls on Facebook and via text message and also that he'd been behaving a bit strangely in the last few weeks (not being affectionate, never keeping his promises, being distant, unexplained absences) left me with no choice but to move out.

The strange thing is that my friend (the one who told me about him) Also tells me that he absolutely adores me. That whenever I'm not around he speaks about me all the time, that he tries and finishes work as quickly as possible so he can come home and see me. And that on my Birthday he was really stressed about my present and asked her to come to the florist with him to choose out my flowers (It was a MASSIVE bouquet).. What am I supposed to think? Because he ticks 23 of those Red flags and yet I hear all this from my friend. Also it might be important to note that I'm 21 and he's 50. Surely at his age he should know better right? And also I noticed that all his past girlfriends have been considerably younger than him. What's up with that? We are still very acting like we are in a relationship. He calls me, Skypes me but it's very much when he wants to. He doesn't call when he's supposed to, he'll call the next day. And then if I don't return his calls he'll think it's a big deal. I have his Facebook messages and he's still texting other girls (from Zambia where he's from, and it definitely sounds like they've been intimate).. Please help!!! @Young_and_confused

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, May 2, 4:56AM,
I'm not sure why you need help seeing this man for who he is dear. You said it yourself, he ticks off 23 of these red flags.

How many more do you need before you realize that he's no good? He's:

1) a manipulator

2) insecure (which is why he prefers MUCH younger women - they're more easily controlled than older women his age that won't put up with his poor treatment of them).

3) He's a player. He's messaging other women on Facebook WHILE he has ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND and he's still messaging YOU as well. He is loyal to NO ONE.

4) He rushed you into this by moving you in right away.

Regardless of some flowers or a desire to see you, the fact of the matter is - the negatives about him FAR OUTWEIGH the positives here:


And you need to stand up for yourself and cease tolerating his antics and poor treatment. You need to stop rewarding his poor treatment of you with your time and attention:


If you don't look out for yourself, then who will?

Anonymous said...

I feel like the comment also goes with my experience. I fell for a guy that was after me for three months. I did not want to meet with him, but at some point I figured, why not. It extended for another few months, I've never fell for a guy that much. After some time I met his friends and it seems that everything turned ups side down. I cannot go with my buddies. He is planning weekends, but it is all about his buddies. What they want. I let him know that I don't mind if he will go alone with them, but ended up with his "little boy" face. Last time he was planning something with his buddies and told me 5 min before the time we "should" be at their place. I needed additional 5 min to change and do some house work before, but he started to "push me" really badly. At the end I've ended up waiting with him for his friends for over an hour to prepare!! I am annoyed! He is a good person (I think), but it drives me nuts how I have to deal with last minute plans (although he planned it with them few days before and forgot to tell me about it)....

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this website! I made so many mistakes! For one I didn't trust my instincts on some of his bad behavior.....for example...my friend not returning my texts for like 6 hours or when he told me he would be comfortable on seeing me maybe twice a month..LOL! If a man is really interested in you he would never be comfortable with that. The one thing I am working on right now is my self worth. I really believe that once I work on taking better care of me, a good man will come along and mirror my behavior. Thanks again for your website.... Work in progress..:))))

Jaylo said...

Hi Mirror, I'm back needing some advise. I just read this answer from you to somebody else

"You kick it down a few notches is all. You don't have a "talk" with him about it. You don't tell him that you're backing the relationship down a notch - you just do it. If you tell him and share your emotions with him, he may react in a negative manner."

Mirror, I have been dating this man for 2 months now. I do not think he is a player. We spend a lot of time in the weekend together. He does call everyday at least to say goodnight. He DOES text me everyday through out the day.

I am not American. He is my first American guy ever. He is 44 and I am 32. I am so much more sexual than he is. He does not have as much desire as I do. I would like to have him more over me, like in the begging before we initiated sex. I believe I should follow your advise on kicking down a few notches? I never said NO.

He has not given me compliments like "You are beautiful" which I know I am. He does not say nice things to me to make me feel desired. Is that because I am so available to him all the time?
I do not act needy. I have read a LOT about that, and I am pretty good with letting him contact me MOST of the time.

Maybe that's how he is? Not so warm? Or maybe bored?

What is your advise to make him show more affection? Last night, we had sex in his place. Before I left, I was trying to kiss him. We did kiss a little. He kind of smiled and said I am not as a kisser as you. Then I said. YOU WERE. He said, that was before SEX. now SEX replaces it.

Mirror I was disappointed, because I really like affection, but also understand people are different. What do you say?
It's too early for the fire from the begging to be gone, is not?

Please, reply

majcm said...

I am separated after 18 yrs of marriage, still very good friends w/ex & aren't filing yet (me because of finances). He was the one that left. I started dating an old b/f from 30 yrs ago. Back then, he was majorly in love & I broke his heart. We talked on f/b for 2 mo, the phone for hours for a month, then met. First month, he was sooo passionate, but has ED due to diabetes & high bp. He was unemployed, no money for doctor, had to move back w/parents (we're both 50). After a month of the passion, he overnight pulled back in affection, majorly. Didn't want to kiss or touch but still came over 2-3 nights a week. After 6 mo of this, he was even talking to me pretty mean for no reason, but said if I told him to leave "this time" he wouldn't be back, so I held off becuase I was in love. Last mean comment was April 3, I avoided call April 4 until his third call that night. I let it all out how he cannot talk to me that way esp after me being understanding about his ED & promise to go to doc when he got a job. He had told me for a few months, he didn't have feelings for me & didn't know why. "If not with YOU, damn it!" He never married & no relationship more than a year. Last one, he did the same thing after moving in. Only "cared' for a month, then 11 of not caring. Well, true to form, he has not been back. I f/b him a week later saying I didn't mean him to never call again but it was totally up to him. No reply. Then broke down May 5 (day after his bday) to see how the job was. (Oh, that night I let it all out, he had been trying to get me to tell me he got a job, lol. Told him sorry I picked a bad day to ruin, but I had to speak up for myself after so long). Yes....EMOTIONS!! Now I see it was wrong & also to F/B him after. He WAS bothered we hadn't filed for divorce & didn't want me to date anyone else. Are these just my excuses for why he hasn't called? Do you think the no contact will still work, or am I smarter to let it go. Some days I miss him so I can't breath, others I'm so angry at him, I could scream!! No actual contact since April 4th. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this site!!


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You cannot control others dear, you can only control your reaction. You can attempt to pull back and distance yourself and see if that coaxes him out of his shell.

If it doesn't, then you may just have to accept that this is a man that isn't going to be able to make you happy, you may not be compatible in that manner. Stuff like that happens and when it does, there isn't much that can be done about it. Many folks are compatible regarding companionship, yet not compatible regarding intimacy.

If you feel starved for affection and find that you're not compatible regarding intimacy, then I'd suggest that you find your compatible match rather than settle.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

There's a pattern here dear:

"Didn't want to kiss or touch"

"was even talking to me pretty mean for no reason"

"he didn't have feelings for me & didn't know why"

"He never married & no relationship more than a year."

"Last one, he did the same thing after moving in. Only "cared' for a month, then 11 of not caring."

He has ED dear. And if you look at the pattern above, it has severely affected his life. He has shut down emotionally and chances are, unless he receives help, that's not going to change. He has done this to protect himself. He is frustrated and angry inside and is feeling inferior, which is why he then lashes out for no reason.

He's never been married, has never had a relationship for more than a year, has ED that is causing issues in his life that is going unchecked - and the pattern has repeated itself with you.

If you go back - it'll be pete, pete and repeat dear :-(

If he's not changing anything, then nothing has changed, is changed or will change.

majcm said...

Thank you SO much. I do agree, there is no guarantee that even with a job & benefits, we WILL go to the doctor about it. It does make me feel much better that you think the ED has a lot to do with it, and not so much not being attracted to me. It's really too bad, as the month of 4-5 hour long phone calls & the first month of dating shows he CAN be a good guy and fun. But it is a pattern obviously and no one can change it but him, if he even has the energy or desire to anymore. Sad. I know I'm better off, just hard for now :-( I just LOVE your site!!!


Anonymous said...

I just got over a 10 month relationship with a man who was still attached to his ex even though she didnt want him back. A man at work asked me out who also just got out of a 2 year relationship. He and his fiance broke up and he moved out. First date was fine with drinks and ended with a hug. Second date was dinner and a long full open mouth of kisses and he grabbed my butt. Told him that I didn't care for that only being our 2nd date. He sort of laughed it off and did it again. So even though we chatted during dinner about a 3rd date about going to the movies before this incident. I told him at work that I don't move that fast and cancelled the date for the movies. We have decided to be friends but, I really like this guy and want him to ask me out again. What do I do? Undecided emotions. :(

Anonymous said...

Hi Ive read all the things on here and have realised ive done the opposite of what I should have done... To cut a long story short, I met a guy on internet dating. We met but he didnt know I had children and then I told him on the first date. We started to meet up but I got caught up in the sexual talk really early. We did not however sleep together for 7 months because he didnt want to he said it had to feel right. Although all contact was within this time was of a sexual nature. All the red flags wave! however I was oblivious to everything having been in a retaionship for 20 years. This has gone on for two years - every time I have tried to pin point where I stand he says he doesnt know - he needs more time to think. I have distanced myself lots of times and he does then ring. Others times I tell him I dont want to meet him and then cave in. these last couple of months I have been in contact but when it came to meeting up, I have pulled back not going through with it. I found out that he was contacting other women through online dating after he promised me he wasnt and I eventually told him that I didnt want to meet him anymore as it was hurting me and making me feel bad. He got anooyed and said that he knew me and that we both liked to have fun and that I would cave in again. He did phone a couple of times and accused me of seeing someone else instead of him. A few weeks after strained texts back and forth he text me and said actually Im going to delete you sorry... I got emotional and sent loooonggg texts saying he needs to change his behaviour in the future towards others etc!!! we havent made any contact with each other since then (27.05.13) we are in our forties so not young!!! I still feel I need to see him and want him... Is there hope or should I give up?!! I am desperate for advice having weaned myself off him several times over the two years only for him to call out of the blue and do this again... Does his delete mean its final??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Does his delete mean its final?"

For your sake, I sure hope so. That is, unless you'd prefer to waste another two years as someone's casual option instead of meeting a man whose willing to make you a priority.

Internet dating has a tendency to create what's called a "serial dater." These individuals are seeking casual relationships but will pretend that they want a committed one if it serves their ultimate purpose - which is to create a rotation of willing women to sleep with randomly at will.

"I still feel I need to see him and want him"

Why? It doesn't sound like this man offers anything of real substance or brings any real happiness to your life - other than fleeting happiness that soon turns to anxiety and/or worry. Why long for that?

Trust me on this dear. . .if this man hasn't asked for a commitment and/or fallen "in love" (not "loves you" but is "in love" with you) within a two year time frame - he's never going to.

Do yourself a big favor here and see him for who he truly is and don't buy into the illusion or ideal fantasy version of him that isn't real. Take this time to move forward and meet another man that will treat you right and make you a priority.

Never make someone your priority while they're treating you like their option.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the response - Yes you have hit the nail on the head, something that I had started to realise was that I was buying into the fantasy because when we met the reality did not live up to the dream!!! I just feel so hell bent on revenge!! I guess thats just my nature! Thank you again x

Anonymous said...

I`ve known this person for long time but never had any reason to pursue it until now we hadn`t seen each other for more then 20 yrs his married and I`m married that day we saw each other it was so amazing we talked and talk , then he kept telling me you haven`t change you don`t age you take care of your self so good ,,ect. then he said you think we could exchange cell # and talk well that's where it begin almost 2.5 yrs (no sex)we`ve met in café and ate breakfast ,has kissed me hugged me and said everything you can image that a girl wants to hear, the first yr. it was so good it was everyday he would text and called now its slowing down he does says he loves me but we never been together and I ask him why he kepts telling taking precaution ,well now its getting worse now (he) no call no text for the past 2wks.i want to text him but something keeps telling NO!i know it`s not going nowhere but he made me feel so good ,I felt like a different person, we both are 55 ,I don`t know what to do?

Anonymous said...

@ June 18, 2013 at 12:11 AM

I don`t know what to do?
If you are both married, this affair was doomed for the start and would never give you what you want. He owes you nothing. Move on and try to mend your marriage. Obviously this man used you as an escape and seems things got a little too much for him so he run (figuratively speaking) just like he did in his marriage-he run from issues in his marriage and sought solace with you and the moment you start pestering him with questions, he bailed. He may return when he clears his head but you're always going to be left with nothing.

Anonymous said...

On Mar 22 you mentioned a website that talked about how to show a man you're interested. I didn't like the ideas given in the article as they were more geared to being out at a club.

But if you are already talking to a guy would it be ok (or too much masculine energy) to mention a sport we both like, "Hockey, I love Hockey too. I'd love to see the Blackhawks live!" hinting that he should invite me to a game. Is this too much?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

A hint is acceptable but I wouldn't suggest a full-on date invitation - only a hint that plants a seed for him to think on.

Anonymous said...

This was good for me (a guy) to read, as I have hardly any dating experience and it was good to see how not to treat a lady. And to be conscious (and therefore up-front) about whatever signals I may be giving out.

but I did find this comment a bit sexist:

"[Men] don’t have the complex range of emotions that women have and when they communicate amongst themselves, it’s very basic communication at best."

For me, this echoes the language of 19th century stereotypes about women. Let's move on from that, for both genders.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror.
You advised me a few months ago and thx a lot. It was about a guy i dated a few years ago and we got in touch in december. he invited me to spend a few days in his flat. this turned out to be a disaster, and i moved out. You told me that he was a man boy and that he knew i liked him because he got me upset me. On your advice, I didnt contact him. He went back to the US. He recently came back to the UK for a few weeks. And on the day of his return, he called me (I live in Swiss) and told me that he was in Europe. I didnt invite him, wanted him to make the first move. The conversation was just 'how are you?, what are doing these days?' Then a week later, he texted me again, saying he wanted to be friends. I started talking about his behaviour from December, to which he just replied that he was shocked I was still talking about it. I mean we never talking about it, he never apologised. He shortened the discussion. Did i screw up?
don't know what to do... He will go back to the US, we will never talk. I know he should be the one chasing me, so i didnt ask him whether we can meet up. But at the same time he tried to contact me twice. Its not that he had not done anything. how should i have behaved? Inviting him in Swiss? That's a bit crazy, isn't it? Also I feel we have to talk, but what should I say: I can't talk about the past, I can't tell him what I feel for him.
I need your help Mirror. thanks in advance.

Anonymous said...

16.06.2013 10.32 ish was when I posted my original post... My friend has now made contact again and I am confused how to play it.

He is face timing me and calling constantly for 24 hours I have mostly ignored it but replied to a few- obviously got a new phone and trying features out!!! I would like to be this mans priority not his option - is there a way to take this forward or am I heading back to doom and gloom??

If there is then how do I change the set up??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 8, 5:13PM,
First, you need to understand that this is a risk - you risk getting hurt here again based on his past actions. If he's worth the risk and you can handle any fallout or damage that may result, then you make him prove himself as genuinely interested to you.

That means, no response until you hear, "I'm sorry, can we talk?" That lets you know that he's SERIOUS about you. If he never apologizes for how he's treated you and he's simply trying to chat you up again, that's a big red flag. That's a lazy man that's signaling he's seeking free and easy sex.

A genuinely interested man will:

1) Apologize

2) Initiate a "talk" to put things back to rights

3) Will be consistent in his behavior (calling when he says he will, being attentive, following through, etc.)

4) Will ask for dates and plan them in advance

5) Will take you OUT and treat you like a lady (not just treat you like a buddy he's hanging out playing video games with in his living room.)

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not is to see if he pursues her. That doesn't consist of hitting a woman up like crazy for a week and then disappearing. That means consistent behavior over a length of time.

My suggestion would be to pull back and OBSERVE his behavior - and proceed with GREAT CAUTION.

Anonymous said...

Thank you... he is already showing that lazy behaviour. I have put ball back in his court by just ignoring it and keeping things short and polite. Will see how it goes. Thank again will report back ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dis is so much a piece to learn from, well done.
Pls this friend of mine had showing up and cutting off from our relationship almost 3times within the space of 10months.
Yesterday again he showed up by callin to know how am doin after being absent from d r/ship for over 4months and said he'd wud be callin often but didn't even call me today @ all. Do U think he's serious or just playin games with me? And wat do I do pls. I don't want to act stupid.
Thanks a million.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous July 18, 6:02PM,
"Do U think he's serious or just playin games with me?"

If he was serious - he would've followed through and actually called.

You should not have answered his call and instead, ignored him. Do NOT reward a man's poor treatment and behavior with your time and attention.

The next time he calls, do not take the call and do not respond to it. Do that several times and do not respond to any of his attempts until he gets real and apologizes for his treatment of you and for taking you for granted.

Because every time you take his call and/or respond to it after he treats you poorly, as he's done this time, he takes it for granted that you'll always be there when he phones you.

You need to stop being available to him when he makes one or two lame attempts at contacting you and instead, you need to not take the calls and not respond to them at all until he apologizes.

If you take those calls without an apology, he's going to continue doing this and taking it for granted that you'll be there again and again.

If you want it to stop - YOU have to stop it by not making yourself available to him. If he's genuinely interested, he'll work to win you back. If he's not, he'll make one or two lame attempts, as he's already done, and he'll disappear. And if he does that, be thankful because he would've only hurt you anyway as he will have proved by doing so that he's not genuinely interested and instead, is only half interested and simply seeking a sexual option.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,

You know when your head is swimming of thoughts so you can’t see the wood for the trees?!

I met someone online and we went on one date, which was amazing. I went travelling and he emailed consistently. Towards the end of my trip, I felt something had shifted and I was right. He had heard from his ex girlfriend. He kept the “date” with me though and told me on the date that his ex had made contact and whilst he didn’t want her back (she moved to Australia last October and he decided last minute not to go with her as they had planned) it had brought up confused feelings and he wasn’t ready for dating at the moment. He said he would feel disloyal to her to kiss me again and that it was complex as they hadn’t broken up because they didn’t love each other.

Obviously, that was a major disappointment and red flag. Completely clear…I was very gutted though! Majorly attracted to him. He was going off on hols about a fortnight later, so I messaged him simply saying to have a nice holiday. He responded on his return apologising if it had appeared he had led me on and asked if we could leave things.

I was the one who chose to mention that if he wanted to meet as friends, I would be happy to. Probably not being very honest with myself with regards to my feelings and also not expecting to hear anything back. He said cool and 3 weeks went by…in the meantime I noticed that on the dating website we are both part of, he has changed his profile picture.

To this week just passed. I sent him a light message asking how things were and about meeting for a drink and catch up sometime if he wanted. Friends was last thing on my mind, but as it was what I had said when he responded to say cool and to arrange something with me, I agreed.

We met Friday, he said again he is confused, not dating at present (who knows) and we ended up sleeping together. My choice, obviously. My friends worry he is a player. I feel that actually, despite what I have said about him changing his profile picture on the dating website (why be on it if you are so confused) that he wasn’t playing anyone, he has consistently told me he is confused and even if that ISN’T true and its simply a case of he doesn’t want to pursue anything serious with me, I am the one who chose to offer the friends card and I am the one who suggested the meet up this week and he obviously did not make me sleep with him. I chose to do that.

He has never tried to say he would like to see me again or offer a false promise…but because my head is so full of thoughts, I would love an objective opinion on, not that I should stay away from him (I know that’s obvious) but whether I am being played here when for the most regard he is being upfront and not offering me any hope or dreams or false promises. My friends think he is a major ego-tist for not cancelling the second date, but taking me out anyway to tell me his ex had made contact and for the fact that before we slept together on Friday night he wanted to know when the last time I had sex was and expressed surprise I think that I had continued dating.

This probably sounds so evident but am just feeling v confused! I don’t expect now to hear from him though anyway, there is no expectation of that….but any thoughts brief or not that you have would be great!

Thank you

Manchester, England

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well dear, it's as you said. . .you willingly placed yourself in this situation ultimately, and now, you find yourself confused by it (by your own actions).

So let's take an insightful dip into this and flip the script here. Instead of trying to figure out what HE'S doing/thinking, let's look at what YOU are doing/thinking for the answers.

Ask yourself, why are you pursuing a man that's rejected you previously? Why are you deceiving yourself? And knowing this, why are you willingly giving sexual favors in return for his attention?

Get what I'm throwing down? Via the Law of Attraction dear - "like attracts like."

YOU are giving HIM mixed signals (saying friendship is okay, when in reality you're shooting for more with him), and HE is giving YOU mixed signals (saying he doesn't want a relationship with you, but is willing to enter in a sexual one with you).

Like indeed did attract like here, ya' know?

Both of you are saying one thing and then turning around and doing another, which is not healthy, as you can see, and causes lots of fluctuating emotions, confusion and turmoil as a result.

If you want a relationship dear - then YOU have to communicate that clearly. That is the path to success. Cloaking your emotions under the guise of friendship and deceiving someone into thinking you're okay with a FWB situation is NOT the path to success dear - and will always only ever lead you to confusion and pain.

"I am being played here"

Yes, I believe that may be the case because his ACTIONS do not align with his WORDS. However - NEITHER DO YOURS - so one could look at this and say you're both playing each other, ya' know, LOL ;-)

If you want the confusion to cease, I'd suggest not clouding the waters with your own mixed messages. Instead, look at the FACTS (ACTIONS) and IGNORE the WORDS. The fact is:

1) He said he didn't want to pursue anything with anyone because of the ex.

2) He is still active on the dating site.

3) So much so, that he's updated his photo.

Do those look like the ACTIONS of a man that's confused about his ex? Do those look like the ACTIONS of a man that's attempting to work things out with his ex? Does a man that's attempting to work things out with his ex still go on a date with another woman?

No. His ACTIONS do NOT align with his WORDS. And that amounts to a big red flag.

Now let's flip the script again. Look at this from his ex's perspective. As the ex, if he told you he wanted to possibly work out a reconciliation with you because he still loved you - and then you found out he went on a date with another woman after that - would you believe he was working on things with you?

If an ex told you that he wanted to work things out with you, and then slept with the woman he went on the date with afterwards - would you believe that he was truly trying to work things out with you?

No way.

His ACTIONS are speaking loud and clear here dear - you just need to "hear" what they're saying is all.

This guys playing everyone and he's leaving ALL his options open. He's not committing to ANYONE here - and he's having his cake and eating it too :-(

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,
Thank you. I never even thought it could be considered that I was playing him!

I don't think he'll be in contact, but if he does I'll be sure to be honest and then walk away. Obviously updating profile pictures does not reflect the actions of a confused person. He has said he doesn't want to get back with the ex or have any plans to move overseas to be with her, but her recent communications have messed with his head....

So I need to forget and move on!

Thank you for the advice

Beth, Manchester xx

Anonymous said...

Well, I've done my homework, made a whole lot of mistakes and ignored a whole bunch of red flags. I'm a nice looking 43 year old woman working in a male dominated field and travel alot for work - at this age most of my friends are married or just getting their divorces. So internet dating is really the best option I have. I accept responsibility (I really, really do) of my mistakes in ignoring these red flags and I'm fairly confident that I can spot them and run as fast as I can next time I see them. My question is - what the heck does a normal, healthy interaction, especially at first with this internet dating thing, look like? I see a therapist every once in a while, and after my last break up with an alcoholic, I was sort of floored! He (therapist) said that maybe I'm someone where problems like alcoholism look normal, and healthy interaction seems very strange. I think I don't even know what it looks like! So while I'm moving on, getting on with things (recent break up - I mean, this guy basically told me he was a high functioning alcoholic in so many ways! Argh! Frustrated), I really would like to know what normal looks like.
For example - I have swapped a few e-mails with a guy from an internet dating site, and he asks me to describe how comfortable I am with my body image/how I look. Well, I'm pretty good in this department - and I'm shaped like a swimmer - I'm thin, slim hips with a broad, well toned back and arms, etc. I work at keeping it that way and am happy with the results, no silicone etc. He writes back that he likes curvey women, in all the right places. He likes feminine women (and he said I look feminine for sure). So, if I've just told him I basically have a pretty athletic body, and he tells me he likes curvey (read busty) women, I'm thinking I should just stop e-mailing him. But I'm not sure! Don't laugh or say OMG because I really think I'm a dating red flag retard! I just don't know what normal looks like.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 20, 7:11AM,
"what the heck does a normal, healthy interaction, especially at first with this internet dating thing, look like?"

It will look much like a normal, healthy interaction offline looks.

A man that is genuinely interested will:

1) Remain in constant, consistent contact and HE will be the one INITIATING that contact.

2) He will express a desire to see you regularly and HE will INITIATE date invitations.

3) He will MAKE time for you, even with a busy schedule.

4) He will ask questions of you and express an interest in you as a woman rather than making superficial small talk all the time.

5) He will keep the momentum of the relationship moving in a forward motion while climbing to each new level as this is happening by LEADING the relationship (masculine energy) while the female remains responsive and available to him (feminine energy).

6) As the relationship progresses, HE will start to express feelings for YOU.

7) As his feelings grow deeper, HE will express a desire to enter into a COMMITMENT (because he won't want another man to have you.)

8) YOU will not find yourself QUESTIONING his behavior and questioning yourself often because HE will remain reliable, consistent, respectful and in the driver's seat, slowly moving the relationship forward and providing you with the security you need to feel comfortable following HIS lead.

9) He will WAIT for sex and while he's waiting, he will NOT become discouraged or slack in his efforts to win you over.

"Don't laugh or say OMG because I really think I'm a dating red flag retard!"

The only way a woman can truly know if a man is genuinely interested or not is to see if HE pursues HER. A man wrote this piece below:


Anonymous said...


I had been in contact with a taurus male for just over 2 months and went on a few dates. He is divorced and I am seperated. We get on so well, similar interests, can talk on subjects for ages. It is a distance but during that time he has been great and pays for everything. He wants a bit more commitment that I can give at the moment as we are at different stages i have been separated for 1.5 years and he has been divorced for nearly 5 years. Then all of sudden he says he is in contact with his ex and needs to know whether to move forward with me or back with his ex. So of course me being a cappy tells him to go back to his ex and then I did not contact him again. Later I realised that I may be a little harsh so been in contact several weeks later and he has tried to justify but I have kept little contact and avoided the topic .he sends me x asks how I am doing but I dont like playing games and this really got on my nerves..as a cappy I can just cut you off just like that. He is a really nice person and we got to stage 1-5 on your tips on a man that is genuinely interested. I have not slept with him and do not pursue men I wont allow myself to be pulled into emotional upsets. I have responded to things not to do with that subject he still calls me babe, texts me with x, but I did not contact him for 2 weeks and I just want to leave it like that and see if he pursues me. In the beginning I did tell him you only get one chance with me. I do like him but do not want to pursue him (could be good together) but if he does not bring up the topic and pursue me I will start dating again by next month. If you cannot express yourself or tell me that you want to be with me then he is definitely not the man for me.Any advice?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 24, 12:26PM,
If it were me, I think I'd cut my losses and leave him to his own. Because with these apparent lingering feelings for his ex - it's clear that there's unfinished business there and/or that they have been crossing the lines between divorce and togetherness somehow, which makes it hard to trust that he'd be over her and even READY to commit and/or that he will ever cease any "crossing of the lines" with her in the future.

It's hard to compete with "history" dear and, as a result, I really don't suggest it unfortunately :-(

Anonymous said...

I met this great guy about 8 months ago at work. We started off flirting with each other I fell hard for him. During this time I divorced my dead beat husband, we have had a very bad marriage it was over for years just not on paper. My ex currently still lives with me doesn't have job not looking for one. I feel bad for my ex if I leave he has no way to support himself, but I want to move on with my life. This great guy says he just wants to be friends, but he calls me his work wife. Bought me flowers for my b-day signed card Love __. Tells me he could never marry anyone his is not friends with. Calls me everyday, apologizes if he doesn't call in a timely manner.Seems to really care for me and my child. When he became ill I was the one he turned to. Problem is he tells me everything very honest everyone knows how I feel about him, they tell me he's in love with me. He doesn't tell me he loves me. I haven't met his family, never been to his home, we haven't slept together. It's like having a boyfriend without benefits. He keeps saying he wants to be friends first. Trying to be patient, help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 24, 4:37AM,
Honey, living with your ex husband is VERY unhealthy. Folks divorce because they unhappy in the relationship - so why would you then remain in it even AFTER the divorce? Additionally, why would you be supporting your ex husband AFTER a divorce?

I know that you think you're doing this for him until he "gets on his feet" I imagine. But here's the reality dear. . .he's NEVER going to actually "get on his feet" - because he doesn't HAVE to - and I guarantee you that's what HE is thinking, because as you can see, he's not taking any ACTION to help himself or to change his situation.

Your ex husband will never leave unless he HAS TO (i.e. is forced to). And if any methods he uses in his attempts to stay are manipulative I'm sure (plays on guilt and uses emotional manipulation to keep his cushy situation going). And I hate to say this dear, but by letting him stay - YOU are ENABLING him to continue to do so :-(

I realize that divorces hurt and quite frankly, they are destructive to your lifestyle and it's difficult, very difficult, to restructure your lifestyle after one. But people do it every day dear, because they have to. The situation has changed and both parties also need to change, sacrifice and adapt right along with it.

"My ex currently still lives with me doesn't have job not looking for one. I feel bad for my ex if I leave he has no way to support himself"

Again, he has no way to support himself because he DOESN'T HAVE to support HIMSELF right now, get what I'm saying? It's the same kind of thinking that a mother who is secretly giving her son money for drugs thinks - she thinks she's keeping him off the streets and safe at home under her watchful eye, but the reality is - she's actually keeping him on drugs. It's enabling behavior.

Your ex doesn't have to work because you're enabling him in NOT working, ya' know?

And you need to remove this type of thinking dear:

"I feel bad for my ex if I leave he has no way to support himself"

That is simply NOT TRUE.

The truth is:

1) He can find a job at a gas station, local department store, grocery store, Walmart, etc. if he really has to.

2) He can get assistance and food stamps and qualify for Section 8 and let the government support him if he becomes truly desperate. Honestly, that's what that process was truly intended for anyway - a temporary living situation for those in desperate need, until they "get on their feet." Yet, he's using you as his assistance instead.

3) He can put the time and effort into finding a job in his career field or industry. Even if he didn't get something at the level he may have previously been at - he can find something if he puts the time investment into look for something.

And ladies, this is the type of dynamic I am often referring to when I refer to a man's "willingness" to provide for you. If a man isn't willing to provide for you early on, then he's not going to - and this is what you end up with. A man that lacks ambition and that is okay with leaning back on his wife, hell even an ex wife, to float him through life. He's completely okay letting YOU carry the burden of the relationship squarely on YOUR shoulders, just as this man is now doing to his EX wife.

Here's what I say dear. Here's what I'd do - I'd GO FOR IT. I would take control and:

1) Inform your ex that he has 30 days notice to find another living situation. And inform him that if he doesn't vacate the premises in 30 days - THEN YOU WILL. Tell him that if he doesn't have other living arrangements in 30 days, then in 60 days (you get 30 to find a place for yourself), you will vacate the premises and leave him there on his own.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

2) Next, I would start to financially separate myself. I would start to eat out (not feed him) with my child every day. and/or eat at a families residence. If it's family, I would start to bring my groceries there and not back home where the ex is. (It's only temporary for a month.) And I would slowly begin the transition into a "single" lifestyle attitude (for both him and you). And I would make sure that any and all finances become separate permanently. No lending him money, no gassing up his car, no nothing. Let him get used to the idea that he's got to provide for himself and let him begin to make that transition.

If you're in a home you both own, it needs to be sold and/or he needs to buy you out. Don't fight for that home if he fights you on it - you leave it with him if necessary and you FORCE either a sale and/or a buyout. If he stays and doesn't buy you out and refuses to sell, then you let that home fall into foreclosure. You cease paying the mortgage on it and you walk and you let HIM deal with that. You can and will start your life over, even if the worst case scenario happens here, so just know that it will all work out somehow - as it always does dear :-)

3) I would start to look for other living arrangements so that if/when he fails to leave (and he most likely will test you on this, thinking you won't actually leave him, and he'll stay) - I am ready to go. If you have to move in with family, then do so. If you can find an apartment, then do so.

4) Let yourself begin to explore a relationship with this other man. Leave the house and go on dates. Get family to watch any children you may have when doing so (don't let the ex do it or he will begin to take out his frustrations on you and the children by refusing to do so, so you can't date, and he will attempt to control you in that manner.) Moving your thoughts from your ex onto this new man will help to give you the drive to want to end this with your ex once and for all.

This is going to be hard dear, so don't expect it to be easy. Sum up every bit of strength and ounce of courage you have - and do what needs to be done. YOU deserve to be HAPPY. We've all only got a very short time on this earth dear, and I don't believe that the Creator placed you here - to make your entire life about providing for this man, revolving your entire existence around him and his problems, lack of ambition, etc. ya' know?

Life is out there dear - you just need to reach out and grab it. You need to make some hard choices for yourself right now, some hard decisions, and you need to begin to work towards those goals and to align your actions towards working towards a new future - instead of lingering in the past with your ex.

If you set your mind to this dear - in 5 months, YOU CAN HAVE A NEW LIFE to begin to build a BETTER FUTURE from. Things won't be perfect at first, but it will be a START. And it will be better a year or so after that - hell you could find yourself remarried in a couple of years, ya' know? And you can share all of these plans, wishes and desires with this man who is providing his friendship and support right now to you - and you may find that HE is WILLING to assist you in attaining these goals in any manner possible (support, friendship, encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, etc.)

If he's there for you - I say reach out and grab him dear. You need that friendship he's offering right now and his support can actually give you strength. So if he's offering that, take him up on it - and see where it leads.

These are just my suggestions and of course, I don't know the nitty gritty financial details and otherwise that exist here - but what I do know dear - is that when you close your eyes and you take a leap of faith for YOURSELF. . . .truly amazing things can happen ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,

Thank you for those words if wisdom. I know I have to move on with my life. I have been saving my money so that I can move out. I have a 10 year daughter and no family of my own within a 2 and a half hour drive from me. My ex has used this to his advantage because he knows i have nobody to watch my child. I work some crazy hours at times due to being a supervisor. I know what I have to do, I may not be able to live where li want at first. But my child and I will have to adjust. Within the next 60 days I will be out of this situation. I'm in in love with my friend, but I can see how this could look to him. Still living with my ex puts a damper on your love life. Will up date you when I move out. Thanks again.

Anonymous said...

Thank you re: ex I was 90% on this decision in my thought but needed to a bit of advice so already moved on and no emotional upset am a cappy just feel waste of my time but been on some nice dates
so no loss there, Thanks

Anonymous said...

Hi, Mirror.
I have had an..."entanglement" with a major commitment phobe for two years. After a period of no contact, he apologized for being an ass, and said he did want a relationship. We became intimate right after. He is putting almost no work into the relationship--last minute, inexpensive dates, one sentence, sporadic texts...I realize it is to late for me to teach him how to value me and my time. What is the best way to end this without acknowledging to him, "I can tell you're just not that into me"?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 28, 8:28AM,
Well, you have several options, all of which you can use your free will to enact. However, I really don't suggest directly approaching the matter verbally due to the fact that honestly, that only gives men an opportunity to lie to you and to continue to string you along - as you've already seen.

So to protect yourself and to avoid getting sucked back in by his words, I'd suggest pulling away from him. Making yourself less and less available to him and refusing his date requests.

He will either understand that he needs to amp up his efforts and he'll man up and do so - or he'll get the message and he won't care to do anything to change things and he'll begin to drift off as well.

Breaking up is hard to do and I believe it's more difficult for women than for men. Because women want to "talk" the break up through, and this gives men the opportunity to woo the woman with a bunch of charming words, tell her what she wants to hear and string her along. Whereas many men simply just cut things off. They do not give women the opportunity to talk them into doing something they're no longer comfortable doing.

So I suggest taking the route that men understand and use themselves, so that you can avoid becoming the victim of sweet talk and charm.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a plan. ;) Thank you.

Anonymous said...

This is a different reader. My question is if in the previous case,Anonymous August 28, 8:28 AM, dont you suggest another NC?

Anonymous said...


I met this guy and within the first week, I went off my emotions and walked out on him. We talked about it and I thought things wer ok with our friendship, but now everytime Im at his place he is not there and alwyas leaves the door open for me to wait for him. We we have sex, there is no foreplay, but aggression. Im always the initaor in calling and texting, but our conversations are always great. Is he not into me?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 28, 12:54PM,
"My question is if in the previous case,Anonymous August 28, 8:28 AM, dont you suggest another NC?"

That's basically what my suggestion for that reader amounts to:

"I'd suggest pulling away from him. Making yourself less and less available to him and refusing his date requests."

Non-availability and refusal - a slow fade (if she isn't strong enough to repeat no contact again and let him go that way.)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 28, 1:55PM,
"Im always the initaor in calling and texting, but our conversations are always great. Is he not into me?"

If HE is not pursuing YOU, then there's a very high likelihood that you're a "sexual option" for him and not a high priority (relationship). I'm sorry :-(

Consider this piece, written by a man:


The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested in her (for things other than sex) - is to see if he pursues her.

Anonymous said...

This is anon August 28 8:28AM. My guy disappeared for ten days after we were intimate, then called and left a message that he was still planning on coming to a local festival (daytime) where he would see me, but did not ask me out on a date. I feel he is doing the wimpy fade-out. I texted him, "great!" What's the best way to interact when I see him? I want to blast the hell out of him, but of course I read your blog.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 6, 8:54PM,
"What's the best way to interact when I see him?"

If it were me, I'd be very "busy" that day with obligations to others - even if you have to fib about that.

He did not make solid plans with you, yet he expects you to be available to him there. Don't do that. Don't signal to him that you're willing to revolve your life around the few ounces of his time he's willing to give you.

Instead, you act breezy, light, happy - and very busy that day. You say a quick hello, how are you doing, etc. and then you excuse yourself and state that you're sorry you have to run, but you've made plans with others and you need to go.

You signal to him that if he's not going to make solid plans with you - then you're not going to be available to him - period. And you signal to him that if HE isn't going to make solid plans with you - SOMEONE ELSE IS.

And the entire time you do this, you remain light and breezy, warm and funny - but extremely pressed for time due to your obligations to OTHERS that have also obligated themselves to YOU. Get what I'm saying here? LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror, you're doing important work: level-ing the playing field for us "too good" girls. ;) You're the best.

Anonymous said...


I had not so much a 'first date' but more of a 'first meet' with a guy last Friday (we met on a dating site).

I was a nice afternoon - a few coffees first, then lunch. We seemed to get on well and he said that he would like to see me again.

However, there were a couple of times during the date that he appeared to be quite indecisive - for example at one point during lunch he asked if I wanted to do anything else that day and when I suggested popping into an exhibition that was on nearby he wasn't too keen and said he would rather do that when we had more time, which was fair enough. But as it turned out, we didn't do anything else that afternoon and parted company after exchanging numbers and agreeing that we would see each other again.

Overall, I kind of got the impression that he is really quite shy and reserved - maybe I'm wrong - he has been on his own for a long time too.

Anyway, I phoned the next day to say thank you for lunch and to let him know that I had a lovely time. Normally I would just send a text saying the same thing but he doesn't have a mobile phone. We chatted for a bit and he said he would phone in a few days and would like to see me again.

Well he phoned again on Tuesday night; again we chatted for a while and he said again he would like to see me again and would phone again in a few days to arrange something. I am confused! Surely if he is interested then he would actually want to make arrangements rather than just say that he is going to?

I did at one point say to him that I wasn't sure if he was that interested and that it was fine if he wasn't, after all we've only met once and life goes on. He said that he definitely was and then asked if I was interested in meeting up again, to which I said yes. So he said he would call back and arrange something...

He seems like a lovely guy if somewhat awkward but I am at a loss here! Am I missing something? Any insight here would be very helpful...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 12, 9:07AM,
The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not, is to see if he pursues you. In the meantime, do not place all of your eggs in this man's basket - you're both on a dating site, so accept that he's dating others as well and that you should do the same - and begin talking/dating other men. Do not sit and wait on this one.

If he wants you, he knows where to find you. Refrain from keeping yourself on his radar and do not initiate contact with him. Instead, go silent, continue making use of the dating site, continue dating others, and see if he pursues you. And then give this piece, written by a man, a read:


Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,
You know when you suggest, if one should run into a guy who's treated her like a jerk/disappeared, to act "light and breezy," etc., might they not then think, "she doesn't seem too upset, so I must not have done anything wrong" ? Wouldn't it be more effective to be kind of a b#@!h? Seems like it would be more of a "consequence." Thanks in advance.

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror of Aphrodite!Love your article!Although one thing not very clear to me when and how to know if your close guy friend is interested in you or not.The signals (if any )I don't know,are they even signals,are mixed and so vague.

I think I'm falling for my really close guy friend.We don't know each other for long,but,have connected in a very special way.He is quite an amazing guy. Until two days ago we use to hang out quite a lot.He would drop by my room in the hostel,call me up if he want to go to the canteen or for a casual walk.Randomly call me up to know what am I up to or call me to his room,mostly wouldn't leave a place we're together at without me or at least without letting me know. We weren't physical or anything either.Also,one another thing I have noticed is
that he is affectionate physically with the other girls (as in hugging them,patting them on the back )with me he isn't ever like that either publicly or privately.There's been just this one single time when he gave me a semi hug and even then he got really conscious about it.Except a couple of these instances he's quite 'strange' with me.

He recently got extremely annoyed with me and did not talk to me for a couple of days,because of some irrational decision I made.And he told me this after his annoyance with me was lesser.I really don't know what to make of it all.I'm very confused about him.Is is into me,is he not.I have been thinking about it just too much and can't come to a conclusion.Can you please help me decode this,I'm completely lost.Should I give hints,should I just ask him out or should I do nothing at all.

Anonymous said...

I likes this guy & chats with him via FB only because he's not local.. How do I know if he's into me? & I think I've been seeming quite desperate, so how?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 24, 11:20AM,
The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not - is to see if HE pursues YOU (that means you shouldn't be contacting and initiating contact with him ;-)

Anonymous said...

i'm confused since i feel my situation might be a bit unique as i've never met this guy, but need clarification in case i'm giving him excuses! LOL

i had several emails (8-10) 6 months ago with a guy through an online dating website, but we never met. he rejected me by email due to my life stage because he said that he already went through 2 long-term relationships the last couple of years where his girlfriends were getting back onto their feet and the last one cheated on him so he wasn't interesting in going through this again. he has a type A goal oriented personality and seemed to have an extremely serious personality. he complimented me on my appearance. we have not had contact since then and both of our profiles are closed.

however, i started going to a new gym once weekly and apparently he goes here too. he seems interested after he saw me in person although i did not recognize him until the third time because his hair was different and he wasn't wearing eyeglasses like in his online photos, but i have just been ignoring him whenever he stares since *we never met* and i'm not approaching him. week 1 he kept smiling/staring at me; week 2 he kept staring at me; week 3 he arrived very briefly and stared a bit and i think he tried to approach me at the end but wasn't able to and left (i think he pretended to talk to someone for 3 secs), and he stared at all the people that i was with a bit longer than necessary and said something to his buddy who jerked their head to look over my way. each time we were both with gym buddies.

i do not know what he wants. does he want to be my friend, have sex with me or regrets now that he's seen me in real life? i know guys are suppose to have a one track mind and do not normally change.

i look forward to getting some honest advice! i have to go to the gym this week so it would be great to have an idea of what his behaviour's all about so that i can act accordingly! LOL

Pisces Girl said...

Mirror can you do a posting about signs he's using you-whether that be for sex, money, a place to lay his head at night, or health benefits..thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 30, 10:38AM
"i do not know what he wants. does he want to be my friend, have sex with me or regrets now that he's seen me in real life?"

There's no way to gauge this man's intentions this early on dear. You will have to wait to see if he pursues you - because that's the sign of a genuinely interested man.

Anonymous said...

On many posts, I’ve seen Mirror referring to her previous topics posted while answering to questions of women suffering from dating issues. By reading through fellow women posts, I re-directed my reading to Red Flags where the man IS NOT into you signs post & I must say, I agree totally with Mirror again.
I transposed my context repeatedly & thoughtfully into those variables list down by Mirror & found the following red flags – that I’m sharing with you, Mirror, & my fellow women-counter-parts:
1. He Takes Days, Weeks or Hours To Respond To Calls And Texts.
Mirror explained this as ‘You’re not high on his list of priorities.’ Period. When he first went away to his country, he contacted me 7 days later using IM & when I responded three days later (IM), he took another 2 days to IM me back ending his conversation with the hope to talk soon BUT HE ACTUALLY DIDN’T IM ME YET.
Definite red flag. Case closed (like Mirror said).
2. He Disappears.
Mirror referred to this one as a ‘Big red flag’. Isn’t this SO TRUE? If you, Mirror, & my fellow women friends read through the above, you would see the intervals as the Disappearance act or MIA act. If I fail to catch this one, then, I think I’m a foolish lass.
3. You Constantly Wonder, Is He Into Me?
Mirrror asked women to ‘listen to your gut’ and this is a sure way to know whether he is or is not into you. Now, this ONE IS A DEFINITELY SUBJECTIVE one – because while we know he isn’t interested, we want him to be earnestly interested in us & we messed up BIG TIME between these two. The challenge is to listen to the gut ‘objectively’. And, I tried doing it.
Conclusion: He IS NOT INTO ME. Ego hurt but Case closed.
Now, I look forward to the next case :P (By the way, I’m an aspiring lawyer while he’s an established law professor. Side-story is I love referring to this situation as a case – as referred by Mirror.) OKAY, enough taking it sportingly, I’m just sharing my ‘disappointment’ & I look forward to move on with a free heart – all this thanks to Mirror. She’s truly a darling.
I hope my story inspires women to believe in themselves, in Mirror’s advice & to date intelligently though putting their hearts in. Cheers.
Laila xx

pisces girl said...

Hi Mirror remember I posted awhile back about to tell if he's using you -or in my case has the intention to- well I found a great article called relationship advice for women: how to tell if he's using you and things to watch out for it kind of summarizes it although it basically is common sense and a lot of things you've covered but I found it beneficial so here is the link- http://voices.yahoo.com/relationship-advice-women-tell-if-hes-using-2368473.html?cat=41
hope you're enjoying your Saturday and thanks for the daily posts I really do love your writing style im sure many ladies would agree although extremely intellectual and insightful its not so technical and proper like how an article is written its just you being you and I think many of us ladies can relate to that better like your just one of our own girlfriends and sometimes your brutal honesty just makes me laugh because you have it in you to speak the truth I really do respect and admire it it makes me want to be that way in my own life but sometimes out of fear I hold back -great work!

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy after reading this because the guy I like, who is a very gentlemanly fellow (a friend, but who appears interested in becoming more) does the opposite of everything on this list. This is a useful guide to the difference between respect and disrespect.

Anonymous said...

Hi There,

I am really struggling here and would greatly appreciate some advice.

I went on a ‘first date’ with guy last week. We met online and having been talking for weeks; online, email then by phone/text. He lives quite a distance away and therefore it was quite a while before we could arrange to meet personally.

By the time we met, we had shared quite a lot about ourselves and there was already a very strong ‘connection’ there. I was well aware that this could well change when we met so I was very cautious about the whole thing, as was he.

However, when we did meet; the only way I can describe it is incredible! I have never felt like this before in my life and according to him, neither has he. The whole time we were together, it was as if everything and everyone else just disappeared and we only saw each other! I know that sounds so clichéd and ridiculous but that is what it was like for both of us; it seemed at the time.

We talked about the future and how we were going to make things work out and that whatever we thought we had found was going to be worth the effort. We also talked about how he is on a course at the moment that is very intensive and although it would make things a bit difficult for a while, we would still work it out. I understand all of this as this course is part of a change in career for him and a lot hangs on the outcome for him.

That was last Thursday and after the evening was over he had to make a long journey back home as he was working the next day.

The next day, he sent several texts and we spoke on the phone at the end of the night and all seemed fine and just as it was the day before.

Then on Saturday, I kind of got the impression that he had cooled off a bit but brushed it off as he was busy (although he was busy the day before too but still stayed in touch). But something was definitely cooler than before.

The past few days have confirmed my initial thoughts and although he has been in touch via text (including one last night saying that he misses me), however we have not talked on the phone since Saturday. I have left him for the past few days and let him contact me as I wasn't sure what to think.

Anyway this morning, he sent me an email, saying that he was shocked to have found that he felt the way he did about me and was overwhelmed by it but although he wants to be with me, he is too busy to have time to see me for the next couple of months (the middle of December) as he is worried about his workload. He then says that he is caught between what he needs to do and what he wants, which apparently is me. He asks that I bear with him till then and until his exams early next year.

I decided to phone him as I felt a bit annoyed about the whole email thing and felt that it was a conversation that he should have had with me rather than just sending an email.

We talked for a bit and he still says that he feels the same way about me but needs to focus on this course at the moment. Basically he is asking me to take a back seat for the moment and wait till he is able to give time to a building a relationship with me.

I am completely confused here! I know that I have such strong feelings for him but I was already willing to accept that we would not be able to see that much of each other for a while due to his course/work/distance but is this not asking too much? We have only spent this one day together and despite my feelings for him and his supposed feelings for me, is it not too much to ask of me to wait to see if he does want a relationship with me? Surely we should at least try to get to spent some time together in order to work out whether or not these feelings are actually real and that there is the potential for a relationship there?

I really don’t know what to do here! I am caught between how I feel about him and feeling that I am just going to get hurt if I let this continue.

He said he will phone me after work tonight and I don’t know what to do. Please help as I don’t know what to say to him at the moment.

Thank you

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 29, 1:46 PM,
Well dear, when a man starts making all kinds of big promises and sharing a lot of "fantasy" talk in the very early days of dating, it's not a good thing - it's actually a red flag. Anything that starts off hot - burns out just as fast. You can't take that type of talk after the first few initial meetings seriously dear :-( It's just talk, it's WORDS. And as we all know, ACTIONS speak much louder.

"I was already willing to accept that we would not be able to see that much of each other for a while due to his course/work/distance but is this not asking too much?"

Why would you settle for this dear? NEVER, and I mean, NEVER put your life on hold for a man, particularly one you've only had one date with. Don't ever agree to sit and wait - ever. When these types of situations come up, you kindly say, "Oh I see. Sure, keep in touch and if we're both still available at that time, then absolutely, we'll see one another." And leave it at that. If he circles back around to you at that time, you can casually date him (no sex, no commitment). And then do just that. Keep moving forward with your own life and dating other men and exploring your options, and when he's available, casually date him as well - and don't sleep with any of these men, just date them and get to know them better.

"is it not too much to ask of me to wait to see if he does want a relationship with me?"

Absolutely, which is why you do not agree to it. You don't base your future on a man and you certainly don't let one decide it for you. YOU take control of your own happiness and you agree to casually date him when and if he has time for you in the future. And in the meantime, you keep moving forward, dating other men and exploring your options - casually (no sex).

"Surely we should at least try to get to spent some time together in order to work out whether or not these feelings are actually real and that there is the potential for a relationship there?"

That's what dating is for dear. That's what the dating phase is all about. You don't jump into a committed relationship after one date and you don't wait around for a man to decide if he likes you or not. The point of dating is to get to know one another and in order to do that, you have to casually date (no sex) first for an extended period of time. If he can only see you once a month, so be it - but you don't commit to him. You keep dating others as well.

"I really don’t know what to do here!"

You keep moving forward dear. Date him when he's available and in the meantime, continue dating others as well. Don't put all of your eggs into this man's basket after one date.

Anonymous said...

-Aug 2012 was with a coworker and we fooled around a bit.-A week later we are at work I apologize for being so aggressive that night-every time we all hung out he asked me to stay but I left early, I'm a busy woman-Jan I decided I wanted to go out, this time he manages to get me to stay until we're the last two left. I figured, eh, I'll have fun. So we did.-2 weeks later I had a miscarriage.. I figured no biggie I won't say anything.-Come march turns out it wasn't a complete miscarriage so pregnancy hormones kick in, I'm emotional, feeling guilty for not telling him, I give him the news. Of course typical male response, can't be mine. finally accepts it, -2 days later I end up spending time w/him at work we had fun, figure I enjoyed our night eh let's just play for a while. Mistake, he enjoys my chase & attention, I realize Im having feelings for him so I back off, told him, I can't do this, it's getting complicated because of the hormones. Several days later he messages me saying its ok as long as work doesn't find out.-He would spend time around me, message me, do favors for me, little things. But never spent time with me outside of work, we've only slept together the 1 time.-Come June someone at work found out, he blames me for it, he was MAD-A few weeks later I find out he's sleeping with someone else. I'm hurt, but I knew it would happen, his history, knew he wasn't right for me, I've always known what I wanted, but with him I turned to mush. So when I found out about girl #umpteenth I tried to walk away was going out with others but every 10 days I came right back.-Sept I knew it was not right for me to still be hurting over this one guy!! I don't allow men to treat me like that, I call a shrink... I've got postpartum depression & an attachment to him... I tell him, he's unresponsive so I bullied him into acknowledging me -He says fine, tried to be there for me but it gets so bad I start to verbally abuse him, I'm an emotional wreck I let it all out with him, you name it... I was wronged at work so I lash out at him. I called him out on everything he ever did to play me, 'you f'ing played me, you're not the type of guy I want in life, I don't hate you but I don't want to be with you and yet I keep coming back' and then the guilt sets in, I message, I didn't care about your past, I forgave the things you did to me, you were happy when you were around me, it made me happy.-He says the messages were too much & needed space but was available to me in person, I send back a "goodbye letter" Won't see you in person and I won't ask to either.. Blah blah feelings I want you to be happy, I've been scared my world has changed.. Thanks and sorry. -no contact for 10 days, then I get decent news at work, so I update him on my situation this is their offer blah attorney's... He responds thats good then several minutes later says if you need to talk I am willing to meet with you if you haven't left town, blah blah... I wait a few mins.. sorry love to but I'll be busy and leave town immediately after, he says ok... -This is where we are at! I called him out on hisinsecuritiesr, he would get jealous, I told him, you will only be happy when you get over your insecurities you're a better man than you give yourself credit for but you have to see it first-So, yes he is worth it. I want to get to know him, should I even bother? I sent a message saying you're welcome to check on me but I won't pester you, I'm getting healthy and moving forward... Of course as usual no response. Then I read your article about no contact... it was interesting that after the goodbye letter I said I wouldn't ask to see him & after 10 days of no contact he's first reaction to my message was to ask me if I wanted to meet with him to talk, the thing he didn't want to initially do with me, talk or spend time with me outside of work.... Thoughts?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, Nov 17, 4:21 AM,
"he enjoys my chase & attention"

I'd be somewhat leary of that. Meaning, most men are not comfortable taking the feminine role (submissive) and prefer the masculine role (leading, initiating). The only one's that seem to enjoy the feminine role and having a woman chase them, court them and pursue them are the players, because they like things as easy as possible for themselves. They enjoy the role that a woman normally experiences, which is a flip flop of energy and balance in the relationship - and it strikes a red flag of sorts.

"I find out he's sleeping with someone else. I'm hurt, but I knew it would happen, his history"

That's what I mean unfortunately. A man's history with other women - can signal his future with you. Meaning, if he has a "history" that's that of a player, multiple affairs/dating women at the same time or moving from one to another in the blink of an eye - you can bank on that type of behavior being in his future with you. People are creatures of habit and as you know, old patterns and behaviors are very difficult to change. Unless the individual has some great epiphany and really wants to change, nine times out of ten, he'll revert back to who he truly is. Especially during times of stress and discomfort because many men use sex as a coping method. So when things get stressful or start to disintegrate - they go "hunting" for sex as a distraction and to provide the ego boost they need at that moment.

"So, yes he is worth it."

Hmm. . .how so dear? He's worth damage to your self-esteem, he's worth suffering from low self-confidence, he's worth suffering and he's worth tears and he's worth waiting around for while he goes out exploring other women at the first sign of trouble? Sorry, I can't agree with that dear. No man is worth that. No man is worth your happiness dear. YOU are important, YOU are worth it, YOUR happiness is worth it. Where do YOU fit into this equation? Because all I'm hearing about is him right now. So who's looking out for you? Who's looking out for your heart? If your focusing all of your energy on him, then who's left looking out for you?

"I want to get to know him, should I even bother?"

I wouldn't. This guy's not going to change dear. You need to release the fantasy of "what if" and live in the reality of "what is." He's not capable of making you happy, nor does he appear to care to do so. He's not going to miraculously change into this great, committed, emotionally mature and stable man overnight dear. That's simply not going to happen. What you see is what you get. And what you're seeing right now. . .isn't really worth getting :-(

I'd take a step back with this one. You need to detach here emotionally so that you can gain clarity and see straight and remove the confusion from the situation so that you can make the proper decision for yourself. Your emotions are in control right now and they're a bit blinded. You know the old saying, "love is blind." That's what they're referring to with that one. You need to take a serious step back so that those blinders come off dear. Otherwise, you could spend the next two years of your life in angst over this man, suffering heightened anxiety and possibly depression - while getting nothing in return for your efforts.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And this guy is savvy. He's aware of how an emotional attachment can take place with women and it appears he somewhat works that to his advantage, as many men do. Watch this video:


There's a process that these guys use to "hook" the woman and it's a short term rewards type of process. Which is why every once in a blue moon, they do something unexpected, like he's done here, by asking to see you all of a sudden out of nowhere. He knows it's time for a "reward" to keep you around as a possible sexual option - and so he's now playing that card. But once that happens and he gets what he wants, it could be another two months before something like that happens again. Basically, it amounts to spoon feeding a woman just enough - to keep her on the line, stringing her along.

I'd be very careful here dear. I'd do 30 days of no contact and no response and then check in with yourself again at that time and see where you're at, where your head and heart is at, at that time. You might be surprised to find - it's no longer "stuck" on him :-)

Anonymous said...

Will do, Thank You!

Anonymous said...

Could you please tell me if I should wait on a single dad with sole custody? I have been patient with him and he has to take care of his 2 teenager kids, I have been dating him for almost 17 months and am always not prioritized in his list, I didn't ask much but only one text/call a day, he promised but seldom fulfill that... not sure if I should wait forever. He a very responsible father and he does say he loved me, we are seeing each other exclusively but he's lazy to text but sometimes he'd text or call and usually we see each other during weekend. I have been invited to his family gatherings many times, be seen in the public, his ex is far away but he's always around his kids and not making too much effort to pursuit me, maybe he thinks I am too available for him, can you analyze that for me, please? thanks and God bless!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 21, 6:42 AM,
"Could you please tell me if I should wait on a single dad with sole custody? ... not sure if I should wait forever."

No dear, you should NEVER WAIT for a man. Unless of course, you're happy with that ongoing arrangement. If you are then fine. But if you're not, you need to detach and move on because situations such as this can continue for YEARS in the same manner - and I'm talking years, like 8 or 10, using the children as the excuse. Then when the kids go to college, it'll be, "I have to work twice as hard to pay for it." Then when they get married it's, "I have the grandchildren tonight."

If he's not SHARING that part of his life with you and INCORPORATING you INTO it, moving it towards a permanent type situation, if he's keeping you on the fringes while he attends to his life instead of incorporating you into it with him - then that's most likely exactly what he'll do throughout the remaining milestones I've just mentioned above.

If, after more than a year and a half, he's keeping you in one box while him and the children are in another - instead of bringing you into their box in order to form a family - then chances are he's never going to dear :-( And you sense that, which is why you're asking the question.

Do you wait for him to make you a part of his family and/or take you seriously after this amount of time? No dear, don't spend your life behind the four walls of his waiting room. There's a big wide world out there, go live in it :-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,
Happy new year! All the best for 2014.
I'd like to thank you for the advice you gave me beg 2013. You told me what I was refusing to see: the guy I liked was full of bs and didnt respect me. He contacted me several times this year but didn't apologise for the way he treated me. He 'really wanted to see me as friend and stuff' because he has feeling for me and he was around ( and I had to let him know quickly because he was around only for a few days). Clearly I'm something temporary: he only remembers me when he's in the same city and considers himself as very important. So this year, I listened to you and I declined the invites. I spent time with my true friends instead. Again he messaged me out of the blue a month ago but I didnt reply. I think i did well, I was recently told by common friends that he had in mind to come and spend a couple of weeks in my flat ( and was probably thinking that he would be welcomed with free sex). It has been tough not to see him or not reply. But I know it was the best thing to do. Maybe if he had apologised, we could have become friends. But he's a boy, not a man and refuses to recognise his mistakes. Made a small mistake last week though: it was his Bday and as I know that he's not on talking terms with his family, I sent him my wishes. I know I shouldn't have... He didn't reply btw but that's ok, I wasn't expecting an answer. I feel a bit like a fool though.
Anyway, it's like a chapter of my life that ends. I'm out of love now and it's kinda scary. I really hope I'll soon meet a nice man who treats me right.
Thank you so much for your help Mirror.

Anonymous said...

I met this guy who does work for me 2 years ago. I never gave any thought to our relationship because I'm married. My marriage is very rocky and maybe this guy picked up on that. He would call me about work things and we ended up talking for hours about a lot of different things. I felt it very easy talking to him because the one thing I was missing in my relationship was attention. Our relationship grew more and more each day and then he wanted to see me. I was scared and confused but agreed. Let me just say that the sex was incredible! Afterwards I felt ashamed and guilty because I felt I disgraced my marriage and the vows I took. But in the same instance I needed the companionship and loving from a man because I wasn't getting this from my husband. My husband and I haven't had sex for over a year because he said he can't. Every time I would initiate any type of physical touching or kissing he would push me away saying stop it, so I stopped trying. Well that's another story altogether. Well I found myself falling really hard for this guy. He would call to see me often and the sex was always explosive. Well let's fast forward 2 years later. We still see each other but not as often. I noticed that he started pulling away. I would text to see him and he wouldn't respond to my texts. Then a couple of days would go by and he would text or call and say sexual things on the phone because he wanted to meet me the next day or two but then wouldn't show up. The last time we got together was a month ago. I don't know what to think or do. I didn't ask for any of this to happen but I also didn't stop it from happening. I was so craving attention. The last time we were supposed to get together was two weeks ago. I texted to say I needed to see him and didn't want any excuses. He said ok. Well we didn't meet. He didn't call to say he was going to be late or he couldn't come. I don't know what's wrong with him or maybe it's me. I say it's me because I continue to let both of them treat me like my feelings and my worth are nothing. Why should I continue to let them disrespect me. I deserve more than that. I deserve to be happy but right now I'm not. The guy texted me Christmas day wishing me and my family a Merry Christmas. I didn't respond. The next day he called in the morning and I didn't answer. He called back that afternoon and I still didn't answer. I know in order to be happy I need to make things right but I don't know how. I still love my husband but I know things need to change. I still care a lot about the other guy (I could say I love him too) but I don't know what to do about him. I also forgot to mention that the guy is 10 years younger then me. I'm 50 and he is 40. Can you help me?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 27, 9:19 AM,
I'm sorry dear, but the only advice I can give you - is with regards to your marriage and the man you've made a commitment to. . .because he's the only one that matters here. (This other man was a fling. And the definition of "fling" is, "a short period of enjoyment or wild behavior." Meaning, it's temporary given the circumstances.)

The real situation that needs attention here is your marriage - whether you're going to work to repair it or whether it's time to consider a trial separation for the purpose of clarity. If you continue along this path of not dealing with one and giving the other more focus than it demands, all you're going to do is further confuse yourself.

Focus on your marriage dear and how to proceed with what to do about it to find your happiness. The other man isn't what caused your unhappiness, your marriage is. So repairing or resolving that situation to some livable extent is what will grant you peace of mind - not this other man (he's simply been a distraction from the real problem).

Try your best dear to determine what you need to do to find your happiness and start with dealing with your marriage. If you do that, and you resolve that to some extent by either freeing yourself from it (leaving) or working to repair it (counseling), then you'll find that the rest will fall in place.

Anonymous said...

I feel rather insulted since I'm a guy. some of these things are pretty exaggerated.like you said. guys are pretty simple. I didn't know that not giving my girl a drawer means I'm not into her. and some of us cant afford to take a girl out on a fancy dinner. plus when a girl gets upset about me not paying for something, its just makes me think shes a money whore. guys are simple in a more complex way. not the obvious.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male,
You have to look at this list as a combination of things - meaning, if a woman reads this and sees one or two things that apply to her situation, that doesn't mean he isn't into you. But if a woman reads this and sees say, half a dozen or more of these issues taking place in her relationship, then there's a good chance she's dating a man that isn't that interested.

And please notice that with regards to the burger versus a nice dinner, I stated this as well, "Times are tough, I get that. But at least once or twice a month, he should be treating you like something of value."

That doesn't mean it has to be a $100 meal, but a decent sit-down dinner at Chili's or something similar can certainly be done with a little planning and an eye for value. Lots of places like that now offer $20 meals for two, so with a little careful planning and some foresight with an eye for value that takes advantage of those specials, it can be done occasionally.

"I feel rather insulted since I'm a guy."

Yea, and I feel the same as a woman reading this (and I imagine the woman you're with would feel so as well with the insinuation of being a whore just because she wants to be treated like a lady) "when a girl gets upset about me not paying for something, its just makes me think shes a money whore."

So when you feel entitled to sexual rewards from a woman without lifting a finger for her, you're NOT a whore - but when a woman wants to be treated like a lady before providing you access to her body, she's suddenly a whore? Talk about insulting.

"I didn't know that not giving my girl a drawer means I'm not into her"

In and of itself, it doesn't mean that. But if you're doing that plus six other things on this list and then acting entitled to have access to a woman's body and receiving sexual benefits from her without treating her in a respectful manner first (like a simple dinner and drinks or a movie) - there's an increased likelihood that you're making the women you date feel used, unappreciated and insulted while giving the impression that you could care less for them.

Just because a woman expects to be treated with respect prior to granting you access to her body doesn't make her a whore - it makes her a woman that values herself and her body with respect. It's not about the money, it's about earning respect and showing that, as a man, you can provide. Back in the caveman days, the caveman with all the babes wasn't rich. He was the man that provided. He could hunt, provide food, provide shelter and provide warmth - and he did all of that using his skills of masculinity, not the modern-day dollar.

Anonymous said...

I need some good advice or I need to go and see a brain surgeon. I met this guy about 1 year and 8 months ago. Actually the way if happened, we were at a function and during that night I had to go and get something for a guest. For some reason he followed me into the lift and within a few minutes he kissed me. As time goes on we saw each other a couple of times. Went out for movies and dinner.

It even went so far as to that we went away for a weekend. After we game back from the weekend get away, I only saw him than after 2 weeks. At that time I found out that he has been divorced, has kids. I asked him a question about not knowing wheteher he is married, has kids, girlfriend or staying with someone he gave me all the right answers.

At first this was just something for me to have fun nothing serious. But, I fell so hard for him and I realise that he has been lying to me all this time. Whatever he told me was never true.

So am trying to figure out how to confront him as I have valid facts and proof.

Please help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 6, 12:24 PM,
"So am trying to figure out how to confront him as I have valid facts and proof."

DON'T do that dear. Why would you want to fling yourself headfirst into a conflict with a liar? It will only be painful and hurtful and he may get nasty and defensive as a result. All of which is negativity and will serve you no purpose in the long run. He'll most likely provide excuses, attempt to make you believe you heard him incorrectly and/or misunderstood him and in the end - you'll be no better off from the confrontation. As a matter of fact, you'll most likely end up even more upset and hurt so don't do that to yourself.

The best way to deal with a liar, the best revenge dear - is to REMAIN SILENT, do NOT respond to any future contact from him, shut him off completely - and DO WELL dear.

If you confront him, he's going to know you care enough to do so and if he realizes that you care, he may then attempt to manipulate you and/or string you along. Do NOT give him the opportunity to do that. No explanation he provides via a confrontation is going to make you feel any better, only worse.

If you really want to get under his skin - go completely silent and non-responsive on him and shut him out of your life completely WITHOUT an explanation and let him stew and let his mind wander. It's much more effective than an all out confrontation in which he may or may not mock and minimize your feelings for him in. Again, do NOT grant him the opportunity to explain himself here as he'll NEVER give you the truth during that event anyway.

Instead, let your SILENCE and NO RESPONSE to him work on his mind ;-)

Unknown said...

I have known this guy since 16 and now I am 20. He is sweet and caring. Most of the time we go out is at night and we cuddle and stay together but he doesn't stay until 9 am. I ask if about tomorrow he will say "we will see". He only text me at night. He has met my mother and my family and I have met his. 16-17 I started this crazy non commitment relationship. Then when I hit 17 I decided to move from the city to another city far away. Now I am 20 and now that I have visited NY city this year.he call me and text me. We decided to go out and catch up and after that a hotel. I know I felt under his trap, is not even about the sex but I like him so much. But what do you think I am from him?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"what do you think I am from him?"

Well, I think you already know what you are to him dear, as you've stated this, "I started this crazy non commitment relationship."

I think it's "causal" and non-committed as you've stated. And when you're in a casual situation, what you will be to the man is someone that he contacts occasionally and/or when convenient and sees every once in a while, but has no commitment to and does not feel the need to answer to you and/or maintain consistent, regular contact with. A man can have affection for you in that situation and even feel emotions of some low level, but most times, he will not approach the situation as a relationship where you see each other regularly, he will not feel the need to answer to you and/or explain himself and he will be open to dating others unfortunately (no commitment), and because of this, you should also be dating others casually as well.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror. I have a question and was hoping to get some help. My ex and I was dating off & on for two years, he proposed and I said yes but later decided the relationship had taken a toll on me. He had baby moma drama & always expected me to keep his other son while he was out n about. He broke up with me & moved in with the baby moma. He has been chasing me the whole year that he's been living with her saying he loves me, I'm good soul mate & he wants to get back together. She had been his rebound throughout all his relationships for about 20 years. We have been going out and recently slept together. Now instead of hearing from him everyday Allday, I hear from him every other day. I had a talk with him one day & tools him I'm not going to play second fiddle & he said that's not what it is. Do you think there's still a chance for us if I back up & not sleep with him anymore until a relationship is established or is it to late & I should move on? He invited me to his Christmas party which is two weeks away. Help...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 10, 7:02 PM,
"She had been his rebound throughout all his relationships for about 20 years."

And that will NEVER change at this point dear. Think about this. . .everytime you two have a fight, he'll run to her. Everytime he's unhappy, he'll verbally threaten you that he'll go back to her. Everytime you two break up for a spell, he'll sleep with her. Leopards don't change their spots dear :-(

"He had baby moma drama & always expected me to keep his other son while he was out n about. He broke up with me & moved in with the baby moma."

Sounds like he needs a babysitter and not a girlfriend :-(

"Do you think there's still a chance for us if I back up & not sleep with him anymore until a relationship is established or is it to late & I should move on?"

I think he's a master manipulator dear that enjoys playing women against one another so that he can get his way and have his cake while he eats it too. Like I stated above, consider that given his history here, he appears "needy." Needy for a babysitter, needy for ego stroking, needy for female attention and needy for a woman in his life (to live with, pay his bills and provide a home for him it sounds like - because he's not in his own place, he's bouncing from woman to woman's home instead). This guy's seriously needy and he knows how to manipulate women to get those needs met.

So unless you plan on having a PERFECT relationship with this man, one that doesn't involve spats, troubles, breakups and some hard times to overcome together. . .there's a VERY high likelihood that baby's mama is going to continue being Plan B during each of those times dear. Every fight, every spat, every breakup. . .she'll probably continue to be right there (in involved in your relationship in one way or another as a result). And that's not her fault - it's HIS, for not manning up and being independent and instead, using women and manipulating them to get his needs met :-(

Anonymous said...

Too much BS sprinkled with entitlement. Take this with article with a ROCK of salt, and certainly not as advice

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous January 19, 10:35AM,
If it was a bunch of BS and entitlement (that's absolutely laughable considering how entitled men feel nowadays to sex without lifting a finger or respecting the woman first, LOL) - then I don't think the piece would have 543 Facebook likes and 361 comments.

The reason the piece is so popular is because - WOMEN CAN RELATE TO THIS TYPE OF POOR TREATMENT FROM MEN.

And THAT should tell you something.

I guess you feel that woman should FEEL GOOD about being treated with apathy by men. I guess you think it makes women feel GOOD to:

Be the one asking the man out (dating feminine, submissive men)
Having men paw at them aggressively for sex without lifitng a finger for them
Have you hide your phone from her
Have you not being include her or invite her to important events
Treat her as a last minute option instead of being mindful of her time as well and being courteous enough to make plans in advance and treat her like a priority instead
Have you gawk at others instead of focus on her
Have you spend the night and disappear before morning
Not introduce her to friends and family
Hide your computer activity
Treat her like a buddy in public, while pawing to get into her pants in private
Spend time with friends instead of her
Make promises to her that you don't keep
Laugh at her, mock her or dismiss her (as you've done here to me)
Not defend her honor
Show no interest in her interests
Make no future plans with her
Mislead her into thinking you want a relationship when you treat her like you just wanna' get laid
Take forever to respond to her and heighten her anxiety so you can then turn around and call her crazy when your dismissive treatment finally gets to her
Not pay her way once in a while and fail to treat her like a lady (and instead, treat her like a dude or one of your buddies).

Yea...last time I checked, all of those things make women feel GREAT about themselves - umm, NOT.

Instead, it makes a woman feel worthless and valueless to the individual she's dating, which then causes her to act out emotionally over the improper treatment, which then gets her labeled with the "crazy" card.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

When you treat people like crap, like you could care less, you make them feel bad about themselves.

And NO ONE, man or woman, wants to spend time around people that make them feel like shit about themselves.

The only ones that will tolerate that type of treatment, are insecure people who feel they don't deserve to be loved. Emotionally damaged people tolerate that type of poor treatment - emotionally healthy individuals do NOT. So if you date lots of women that accept this type of treatment from you - guess what??? You're dating insecure women, emotionally damaged women, and it's probably working to your advantage because you feel entitled to have your cake and eat it too. And if you expect someone to love you for this type of poor treatment, if you EXPECT women to tolerate this type of poor treatment - you're going to end up with an emotionally insecure woman.

Emotionally stable individuals that know they're value as a human being and respect themselves - DON'T tolerate this treatment.

And that's not because they're entitled or full of BS - it's because they know their VALUE as a human being.

Men nowadays act like a woman who respects herself is some kind of high-maintenance bitch. It's a joke. Was your grandmother a high-maintenance bitch because she expected your grandfather to court her or buy her dinner one in a while? Was your mother? How about your sister or your daughter? Would you like a man to treat your grandmother poorly and take her for granted? Or your mother, your sister or your daughter?

Talk about entitled...someone who thinks it's okay to treat others like shit but expects to be liked/loved for it and expects access to a woman's body for being rude, ignorant, immature and treating her like an option - that's entitled. The woman who demands better - simply respects herself - much more than the individual treating her poorly and then expecting to be rewarded for it does. And you should cease attempting to make women feel bad about themselves for respecting themselves (like you've attempted to do here with me in your mocking comment), otherwise, YOU are contributing to the problem.

The things listed here are basic common courtesies and manners...it's not rocket science.

And when you dismiss them as you have, it tells me you lack manners and don't even understand the very basic human concept - of courtesy.

Anonymous said...

So...this guy has been pursuing me for 4 months. I'm married. I'll say, my relationship hasn't been the best lately so I've kind of enjoyed the attention. I knew that he was probably only interested in sex - I mean it only makes sense - but I entertained him. I never planned on going beyond texting him.

Anyway, in entertaining him, he immediately asked for a picture of me...I waited 3 months to give him one. Then I sent a couple more. Innocent pictures of my face. He says he's falling for me. I tell him I'm married. He says he wants to kiss. I say I'm married. He says I want to just see you. I say I'm married.

I'm about to cut it off. What are the dangers? I feel like emotionally I'm becoming attached because he's giving me a chase that my husband is not giving me anymore. But at the same time, I'm a professional woman that should not be indulging in this kind of activity, no matter how undervalued I feel at home. And I'm starting to feel bad because I'm using the fella, even though initally I didn't care because I thought he was a dick for going after a married woman. Help...lol

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 19, 11:30 PM,
This isn't right dear, it's not healthy. The longer you remain entertained by this situation, the more confusion and heartache it will bring to the surface. It's not worth it.

Peter said...

@Anonymous January 19, 10:35AM,

I'll provide another male voice to this discussion. First of all it's a shame that men like you exist who seem to think women are not deserving of courtesy. It's even more a shame that you think women should disregard material that is very clearly aimed at the protection of women from men who scream "entitlement" whenever a woman wants to be appreciated.

I'm going to inform of certain details mainly courtship and dating. As you seem as oblivious as to what these two things are, and being this way your project your belief that women should give themselves freely without so much as receiving basic courtesy. You feel women are there to be used so let me begin with that. The feeling of being used is never something a woman will thank you for. This feeling is exactly how it feels to a women when you refuse to pay for, provide for or respect-is asked for free sex. It is a feeling of being used, and of having low value. Women desire a man of leadership, strength and masculinity. You show the exact opposite by slamming a women asking for basic courtesy as being "entitled". I'd hate to see what you think a woman does deserve if you seem to think even courtesy and respect are beyond them.

Now I'll discuss the act of Courtship. Traditionally Courtship is what would precede a long term relationship, engagement or marriage. In the strongest relationship and most lasting this lasts right through the years to come. The basic premise is the same no matter where you go. A man will meet a romantic interest and over time prove himself to be a man of strength and leadership. This would be with dinners, fine gifts, time away etc. In the generations past such as your grandmother’s generation and her mother before that it would have been essential to screen men via courtship. Now does that make your Grandmother entitled? I don't think so. Let’s say you have a daughter, and you want what’s best for her, does it make her entitled if she asked men to prove themselves in the same way? No these days we no longer have this culture unfortunately, and as a man that believes in long term courting I think that’s a shame. So there needs to be a way of filtering and I'm all for it.

Peter said...


Your statement shows me as a man that you don't know what a woman gives when she gives herself emotionally and sexually. It shows to me you place little value on this. You seem to think only of outlay and of cost. However you're so far wrong it's silly. Women give far more than you know and trust you with far more than you know. Nothing gives you the right to devalue that. When looking for a guiding rule on how to act when your court a woman a good rule of thumb that I suggest you take onboard is "always the knight, never the jester". Put simple when you devalue a women and label her like you do you treat her as a joke. This is the action of a jester or in terminology of this site a man boy. Your attitudes towards women are a reflection of your attitudes towards what you yourself will settle for from women, and it's a reflection of how yourself value you. Your want low value women who won’t force any standard on you because you're a low value man. Masculinity has standards and so does leadership. If you can't go your own way and court women then why should she attach value to you? The answer is rightfully that she should not.

The fact that you decided to comment is a sign that this hit a nerve with you. The fact you attack it is even more a sign that you're part of the problem. A good example of why ladies here need this fine blog. I will however recognise a weaker man in front of me and be the better man by providing you this. My suggestion for you is to show some maturity and strength in your actions. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture of your attitude before you decide to enter into the dating world and project your idiotic beliefs onto women you date. Do you have the strength to admit where you were wrong and be a better man? The arrogance of your comment says not. As I always say to people who comment stupidity here in the past. You've done all your own talking for me. Nothing else I need to say about you that you have not said in leaving your comment.

shana said...

OK - I have a guy who was really charming - player type. He has also been interested in this other woman who is 8 yrs older than him. He had just gotten out of the navy. He doesn't live anywhere near me found him driving by my house 4 times (never gave him my address or permission to visit) He will send just random kind of texts that are like *ruffles your hair* where earlier on when we met he was super nice and flirty. I feel like he's just waiting for the other woman to leave her man to be with him. He told me that he wants to be just friends. He never really says much - I'd ask how his day was anything about him and he would never ask anything back about me. What should I do with this guy?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"a guy who was really charming - player type."

Players are generally not relationship material dear. They're more into the "bump and dump" scenario.

"He will send just random kind of texts that are like *ruffles your hair*"

He sounds a bit insecure, like he's pulling stunts simply for attention.

"He told me that he wants to be just friends."

Then I'd believe him. He'll still sleep with you, but that doesn't mean he'll want a relationship afterwards dear :-(

"I'd ask how his day was anything about him and he would never ask anything back about me."

Then it appears that he's a bit self-centered. Again, not relationship material.

"What should I do with this guy?"

You don't have to "do" anything dear. And I wouldn't - because if you do, if you pursue him and you take him up on a sexual offer of some sort - there's an incredibly high likelihood that he'll disappear soon after :-(

Anonymous said...

So, I am 25, he is 36. We met in the hospital. It felted like fate.We were couples of times on a coffee, friendly.One night,my mentor set us up. I felt a HUGE conection! We were agreeing on everything and talked about 2 hours. He wanted a kiss. I turned him down, but it was on my face that I liked him, a lot. He said to me, don't you think everything happens for a reason and that like a fate had a hand on us. I felt the same, but I didn't told him. I just went home, he puted me in a taxi and was very gentalmen and not pushing anything.

He also told me he had a lost of women and make jokes about taking our clothes off.. I didn't liked that.When I went home, I told to my mum, I've met my soulmate, he is going to be my husband! We are born on the same date,both fathers doctors, mums work in the same place-friends and talking about us being together,same dog,no fb and so and so.

Another story, I turned him down, because I was in a relationship, so was he. But my relationship, which was the theme that night, we were talking about feeling and so and so, was about to end. I had a 5 year relationship, I was depresed, especialy that night, that is dying and that I wanted to breake up!And he also said that, he is in a relationship, 7 months, but that is bad, and I qoute: not something special !
He also has a ex,5 years, who he thought they would stay together, broke up with him,seemed atached.
can say we were, like we were in our minds every time) in the circle of the hospital, I gave him my number, I offerd ! Mistake, I know! And a week later, he called me, I said ooo hello I wanted to call you too, let's drink a coffee or something. It was clear that he wanted me on private! So I closed my eyes ( mind) and go with the flow and went there and had amazinggggggggg sexxxx ! I told him that I broke up, He said to me he don't know what this is, we'll see. I told him that I thinks it's wrong, because it is early for sex, that because of that guys don't want to date the girl after, he said to me it doesnt matter that. But I felt conected, and serious amount of passion ! BUT I kept forgeting that he has a girlfriend ! RED FLAG ! I know.

He acted like he cared, we saw each other 2 more times, in his home, he took me from my home and left me at home after, so 3 times in 10 days, comunicating, calling me, texting me, laughing together, I felt IN LOVE ! but not going out.

On the second date i asked him, did you breake up ? But I was smiling, it was like a order more, like breake up ! It was silent, and we had sex ! Between the second and third date, I told him I wanna drink a coffee with him, he told me ok, ok. Im busy now, another time, I'll call you. He did all the calling and texting !
He knew I expected for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. He didnt call for 2 days, and then on the third I was anxious, and told him I dont wanna sex because I dont know what is this between us.. And with his charm , we had sex, and then started to ask me about my ex, did i ever cheated him, that we are too much alike and would get bored if we spend 24 hours together.He said he didn't want a relationship with me, and said i probably sensed that.I was devasted and not exepting. I told him, don't you think there is more here, i told him about my thinking that we are soulmates and i've met my husband ! I was so sure of that, like my gut was speaking .. but my mistake was that I told him, right??

Anonymous said...

Then, he called me, i said that I was with a friend on a coffee, and that she knows about us, he said to me: oooo be carefull, my girlfriend might found out ! BOOM ! WTF ?? And then invite himself all alone to come with us. He came a hour later, all cold to me, and talking with my friend like he wanted to know her a lot !
It was weird. Then he drove me, no talking, and I started a conversation about his girlfriend, like i thought it you were about to breake up with her. he said ooo no, I am in serious relationship, I hurted her, I wanna make thing right with her, i don't wanna another relationship, that he will hurt me, like all the girls ! I asked him does he love her and that he doesnt seem in love! he sad, oo yeah, like I love all of them, like look I've been very honest with you....(he told that first night, before the sex date, that he feels empty)

And then I runed to my home, and texted him a long msg, all the things that we've been through, about the part that he said that the fate brought us together, why is he throughing it away all of that ? He replied that he isn't, that he is just with that girl now, that he will always be here for me, our comunication won't stop here and now, and that we will talk very soon again.

I waited 6 days and texted him, can i come t his work to drink coffee and then started this new phase where he was turning me down every time with an exuse ! He played hot-cold! There were stupid msg from me, and i ended in the end.I was pissed and said i cant to this. he said dont exagurate!

10 days passed, and today i called him to say that i dont have years to ask myself what the hell happend, and i want to see eachother once again. He said well what happend - happend. Then i called him again later and he was sleepy and told he cant make it tonight.. these days for sure, believe me. I said to him, I dont believe you, dont make me act like a 15 years girl to call you all the time, he said pls belive me, i'll call you.

Please tell me , what the hell happend ???? Is he into me ?? Or not ?? Was he telling lyes all the time ?? Was it all about the sex ?? He is 36 years old, lost with himself ? He does seem so. What should I do ?? I really feel like I told him, rejections made me feel less in love, but in the bottom of my heart I feel like we are meant to be together ! ! ! Like the universe conspired to meet eachother. I broke up with my 5year relationship just for him? Where from came all the guts in me to do that ?? What should I do from now on? If he doesnt call me? please help me . Thank you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 26, 11:18 PM,
"I kept forgeting that he has a girlfriend"

Well dear, you may want to remember this: If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you :-(

"Please tell me , what the hell happend ?"

I know it hurts dear, but it is what it is, ya' know? Did you QUALIFY him as "dateable" material before becoming intimately involved? Did you QUALIFY him as "relationship" material first? When red flags are waving dear, and a guy is in a relationship but he is WILLING to cheat WITH you, then it's pretty much a given that he'll cheat ON you - and or use you in the process :-( This guy is not relationship material, he's not even giving the relationship he's currently in 100% of his time and focus and the fact that he's playing around on the side disqualifies him as "dateable" material as well :-(

Sex will NOT lead you to love dear. It will only ever lead you to a "hookup" situation. Traditional courtship is the path to a lasting relationship:


Because during traditional courtship, you get to OBSERVE the man. You get to observe his behavior, his treatment of you and others, his values, his characteristics as a man, his willingness to treat you right and be a good man and to PROVE himself FIRST as genuinely interested.

When you skip over the courtship process dear...you're left with nothing to "gauge" his character as a man :-(

Not all men deserve you, not all men will treat you right and not all men will appreciate you. And because of that, it's CRUCIAL that you do not dismiss red flags and that you "qualify" the man as "dateable" "relationship material" prior to becoming involved with him in order to protect yourself from being mislead and used :-(

"What should I do?"

Get away from him - he's no good. He's a cheat, he's a user, he's not relationship material and he's not to be trusted.

"What should I do from now on? If he doesnt call me?"

I know this isn't what you want to hear dear, but if he doesn't call you - be THANKFUL for that. Because if he does and you jump and you're right there, willing and waiting, he WILL use you if you permit him to :-(

When men treat you poorly, they should NOT be rewarded with more of your time and attention. Instead, they should receive CONSEQUENCES for their mistreatment of you:


People can only treat you as poorly as you let them dear. Do NOT let this man treat you poorly again.

Anonymous said...

About a year ago, I started hanging out with this guy who was a long-time acquaintance. At first he seemed super into me, but about a month or two into our seeing each other, he disappeared (we hadn't had sex at that point). He of course reappeared again, and I’m not proud to say he’s done this disappearing act a number of times since then, always without an explanation. I always play it cool and don’t contact him when this happens, rather waiting for him to contact me. Even in the months when we are hanging out, he usually only texts me once or twice a week (at most), and then we spend time together on weekends. The last time I saw him, we went to a house party, slept together, and went out for breakfast the next morning. I wish I had found your site sooner, because I am guilty of initiating contact on the weekends – the last time we spoke I asked him to hang out (which didn’t end up happening). Anyway, it looks like he's disappeared again. I’m really tired of the situation, and provided he does contact me again should I say something to end it, or should I ignore him, or what? Admittedly, a part of me still wants to see if this will go anywhere, although all signs point to a dead end. Is this at all salvageable, or am I beating a dead horse? Any advice would be appreciated!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 28, 8:09 AM,
"he’s done this disappearing act a number of times"

Hmm, have you read this piece dear? There's a "what to do" section in it (and thousands of similar stories women have shared in the comments):


"provided he does contact me again should I say something to end it, or should I ignore him, or what...Is this at all salvageable, or am I beating a dead horse?"

Well, you can put him to the test and see if it's actually you that's keeping this relationship going or if he's genuinely interested by using no contact and no response:


Once he experiences a true "end" with you and realizes you're gone, if he doesn't step up to the plate and/or admit he has feelings for you - then you have your answer dear. There are no guarantees, but you will have your answer.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Just wanted to say thank you for your response yesterday. I read all the articles and will be implementing your advice. I only wish I had found your site sooner! Will update if there is anything to report,

Thanks again!

Anonymous said...

Hey, tell me what you think about this situation. My bf takes hours/days to reply to a text, months to see me. He would promise to see me some weekends but break them. Sometimes I see him online chatting with someone, well he has told me its a guy friend but I don't know. Obviously I'm not his priority and may be his interest is somewhere else. I directly asked him so many times. He just doesn't admit anything wrong, said he loves me very much. Please tell me is it right to leave him when he sounds so true? :( How can I understand what is true and what is not when he doesn't speak his heart? This is a horrible feeling to deal with. One time he disappeared for weeks. After waiting for days and sending so many messages I couldn't wait any longer. So I called him at office. He took time to talk with me. Said he was just not in a mood to talk because there were problems at home. He said he didn't talk to me because he thought we wouldn't be able to talk nicely like we used to be. When I'm with him I can feel that he wants to get away from me as fast as he could. He is always in a rush to leave. I want to face this situation. I want to admit the reality and move on but when he says otherwise, what can I do? I don't want to lose him. So please advice me.

Anonymous said...

This behavior from a 36 year old guy...a police officer no less: PATHETIC. Met him online....he showered me with compliments via text. Mentioned the magical :relationship: word....you name it., LOL.

1st date...met at Starbucks. We Hugged at the end..he tried for kiss, I refused. He didn't buy me a refreshment or even offer during the entire "meet".

lots of texting back and forth....

2nd date...Yes, He did ask me to meet for the 2nd time. However, the caveat was he "couldn't figure out where to go"...lolol. We live in an upscale urban area. I suggested a certain mall. Met at mall. He didn't offer lunch, a drink, NOTHING. Made out with him in the mall and in his car. He is hot....couldn't help it.

lots of texting.....asked me to meet spur of the moment for 30 minutes at a mall. I DECLINED. Then he asked to meet for a 3rd time about 3 days away....I agreed. Tons of texting again....and no mention from him where we were going....didn't ask me where I'd like to go. The day before scheduled meet I asked "So...where are we meeting tomorrow"....he texted me "I thought we'd meet and make out in my car like horny school kids". DUMPED HIM!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

This is all sage advice....Bravo to You!!! It is all 100% true. Women....it is our job to retrain men's thinking. The way they are is mostly because of how women have let them become with free, no strings sex.

Don't give it away for free, EVER.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 6, 4:28 PM,
Bravo to you dear - you know you deserve better and you were strong enough to realize that and look out for yourself.

Ladies, no man, no man EVER...should be REWARDED (with more of your time, attention and focus) for treating a woman like this - EVER.

Men who want to treat women like this. . .can cough up a $20 and hire a hooker.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 6, 2:20 AM,
"My bf takes hours/days to reply to a text, months to see me."

Is he really your boyfriend dear? Because this sounds more like casual dating to me. Has HE asked YOU for a commitment and an exclusive relationship? Don't assume you're in one if that hasn't been clearly requested by him. If he has requested a commitment, then he needs to also show that same level of commitment to YOU in return. If he doesn't dear, then he may not be "relationship" material, because relationships involve give and take and compromise. If those are skills he lacks, then he's not ready for a true commitment :-(

"I directly asked him so many times."

It doesn't pay to ask dear, because all that does is give a man the opportunity to lie to you, mislead you and string you along with a bunch of flowery talk and empty promises. Forget his WORDS, and focus on his ACTIONS (or lack thereof) because they tell the true tale dear.

"Please tell me is it right to leave him when he sounds so true?"

It's not about right or wrong dear - it about YOUR happiness. If this man isn't willing to fulfill your needs or make you a priority in his life, then he's never going to be capable of making you happy and you're going to constantly be in a state of self-doubt and misery while dating him. Do what makes YOU happy dear, do what's best for YOU - and forget about pleasing HIM.

"How can I understand what is true and what is not when he doesn't speak his heart?"

You focus on his ACTIONS (or lack thereof).

"I want to admit the reality and move on but when he says otherwise, what can I do?"

You can cease being a victim of his dear and feeling helpless and you can take control of the situation by ending it and walking away to find a man that wants what you want in life, that values you, that appreciates you, that treats you as you deserve to be treated - and that is your match dear :-)

"I don't want to lose him."

Why dear? Do you like the pain and anguish he brings into your life? Do you like being taken for granted? Do you like being in misery? I doubt it. And because of that, it makes absolutely no sense to keep this man in your life. You have to do your best dear to separate yourself from him an emotionally detach so that you can begin to use logic to make decisions instead of emotions, ya' know?

When you make decisions based on emotions and not logic, those emotional decisions can keep us trapped in misery for years. It's a bit of co-dependence at play at times when that happens (the feeling that your happiness is "dependent" upon someone else's presence in your life, instead of stemming from within yourself, with or without that individual.)

Your happiness is not dependent upon this man dear. It only feels like that right now because you're in the midst of an emotional attachment to him. Your happiness comes from within, not from "without" (attempting to fill a void by seeking happiness outside of yourself, from other individuals, stemming from "lack").

You can't be dependent on others to provide your happiness for you dear. Because the reality in life is that people will always let you down. People will always disappoint you. If you depend on other people to provide those things - you'll always suffer disappointment and lose dear, because people will always let you down. Not because they're necessarily mean, but because it's just a harsh reality of the human existence here on earth dear.

YOU are the only one that can make you happy dear. And in order to accomplish that, you need to start by ridding your life of people that only add misery and negativity to it - and instead, seek out like-minded individuals that add happiness and positive energy to your life in encouraging and supportive ways :-)

Anonymous said...

It's is funny how these men are dating nowadays....they have jobs...good jobs.... yet they don't want to buy you a coffee, dinner, movie, etc....it's rude, self serving, and pompous. They learn a lot of this behavior from porn....and think real women should just give it up for free, lol. The internet has made it very easy for them to find loose women of all ages. And also for them to find "professional" women.

Anonymous said...

I love it when you break if off with them and they say in a text "well...good luck to you. hope you find what you are looking for. I will miss you" when they didn't even pay for one real date, LOL.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 7, 1:11 PM,
I'm quite convinced that many modern men don't even truly understand the concept of dating and courtship. The think hooking up and treating a woman like a buddy (not stirring one single romantic feeling within her), like she's a dude he's hanging out with, IS dating. . .when it's an entirely different thing.

They fail to understand that when you treat a woman like she's a dude, it's a turnoff, there's nothing sexy about it and it stirs no real romantic feelings (but it does create harmful emotional attachments that they eventually run from anyway, LOL ;-)

Even more amazingly, many of them prefer to take a very passive feminine stance while doing so, instead of being a real man and leading and impressing.

They think it's about money and they fail to realize it's about masculinity and leadership - creating a feeling of security for the woman, one that she feels safe submitting to.

And then when you expect even the most very basic of common courtesies - like a coffee or a stupid sandwich (that you could buy on your own anyway and spare yourself a miserable date with them)....they hit you with the "entitled" label. When the reality is that everyone, man or woman, is entitled to be treated with at least the very basic common courtesies.

Many men nowadays easily label women "entitled" for expecting even just the very basic common courtesies from them - yet they do not label themselves the same when they expect access to your body simply because they have male genitalia.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,
I know you're not a fan of giving guys the benefit of the doubt. I'm not either, but this reappearing Virgo guy is so damn disarming.


I took down my profile for a break last month. Before I did, I gave my e-mail to this funny, persistent, nerdy Virgo guy. I did not give my #, because I was a little annoyed about the last couple guys who text bombed me.

Virgo emailed within 2 days, and asked me more about my NYE's (basically restating his interest).

I replied 3-4 days later. And no response for exactly a month (like you said, there's something magical about that month mark, LOL).

The email:

- started off with him saying - oh my god how on earth did I miss your email (<--seriously?)
- went on to apologize that he was very very sorry, thought I decided not to email him back
- acknowledges it's been a month since I sent it, and that he knows he must be in the doghouse...hoping I can forgive him, and knows it's probably a lot to ask but maybe I could give him my #. He's better with texts than emails.
- he said it's okay if I'm not interested and he totally understands that it's all his fault
- he ended email with "PS I still like you" and gave his number

Mirror, what do you think the odds are that he conveniently "missed" my e-mail for an entire month? He's 35, still uses hotmail, so I'm thinking... perhaps he's a dinosaur when it comes to technology.

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Mirror, what do you think the odds are that he conveniently "missed" my e-mail for an entire month? He's 35, still uses hotmail, so I'm thinking... perhaps he's a dinosaur when it comes to technology."

Well, it's possible he's out of touch here, LOL. Probably not, but possible.

But that's not really what matters here. What matters here is that he was man enough, mature enough, to admit he was wrong, to issue an apology, and then an invitation to make amends, with understanding being provided in the event it was too late.

That's maturity dear, and it's a good sign :-)

Now, if he makes this sort of thing a habit, then that's another story. But this once, because he manned up, I think you can overlook this one.

However, I would do this:

"knows it's probably a lot to ask but maybe I could give him my #. He's better with texts than emails."

I'd respond and tell him he's only getting my number, if he plans on picking up the phone - because "text buddies" aren't something anyone needs more of these days, LOL ;-)

He needs to take ACTION if he really wants to move this thing along. At this rate, this man could end up texting for 3 months and disappearing again. Cut to the chase and speak to him, I think you'll get a better "vibe" off of him and whether or not he was being honest here if you do :-)

nicci said...

This guy messaged me on a dating website last week. Exchanged a few emails & he said he'd like to meet. We are supposed to meet tomorrow. We have talked once on the phone & seemed to click on the phone. We have texted as well too. But I didn't hear from him at all the day before the meeting. I thought that was a little odd. I finally texted him & asked if we were still meeting. He says "I hope so! I am really looking forward to it." He then asked me why I asked & if I still wanted to meet. I was honest w/him & told him I wasn't sure since I didn't hear from all day. He said he was just preoccupied. I am confused now. Am I expecting too much? I tend to over analyze a lot. But now my gut feeling is telling me to not even meet him. I would think if he was into me & looking forward to it he'd text me today. I have heard from him everyday this week except saturday. I don't know....ugh

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"now my gut feeling is telling me to not even meet him."

If that's what your gut is signaling to you dear, you should listen to it.

"I would think if he was into me & looking forward to it he'd text me today."

I would feel the same and honestly, I've been in your position before. Difference is, I did NOT contact the men. And guess what? When the day for the date came and went, each and every single one of them contacted me and said, "We were supposed to meet, why didn't you contact me?"

My response? "Because I want to date a man that wants to date me and is man enough to actually make me feel that way. I'm not desperate for dates and I don't chase men around for them. If a man asks me out and doesn't follow through, then that man isn't the man for me."

Their response? Crickets....complete silence, LOL ;-) Why? Because as a man, how can you really argue with that? What are you going to say, "Well, I'm a guy and I like to be courted and chased by women." No, they won't say that because it's too feminine of a response. And when you point that out to them, they become very aware of their behavior then and don't know what to say.

Problem is, online, as much as I hate to say this, there are a lot of women there "dating with desperation." Meaning, chasing men down, being very aggressive and taking the lead, the masculine role and honestly, it makes these men online very lazy about how they go about dating.

I don't suggest you date with desperation online. Because if you do, these men WILL use you, they WILL sleep with you, and then they WILL move onto the next woman who comes along and offers herself up. So you have to be very careful and you have to proceed wisely. And the way this man is coming off about this kinda tells me....he's already very aware of the "dating with desperation" concept that women there are participating in - and he's probably hanging back to see if YOU chase HIM. Which I don't suggest doing as it could lead you right into being used by him.

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested in her...is to see if HE pursues HER. Consider this piece, written by a man:


Don't bother chasing these men down. Instead, "filter" them and "qualify" them first as genuinely interested by seeing if THEY come and seek YOU out - let them PROVE themselves to you ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I love your site so much... I wish I could just have you in my pocket and take you with me on dates:)

I am a leo female and I have been in a ambiguous relationship with an aries male for over 2 years. He treats my like a girlfriend behind closed doors but in public we walk side by side like buddies. I have met his kids and family (not his friends though), and he has been there for me during some real rough times in 2013. But his friendships with the female friends and exes make me so uncomfortable, I mean they dedicate songs to him on facebook, there is contact at least once a day with one many, He wont answer my call when he is at one females house but he answered when I called form another number. He has lied about when he is with them, he was talking to me on the phone and accidently sent the text (confirming that she was still meeting him at a sports bar) he was sending to one of his friends to me. He will not talk to them or answer his phone in front of me and no one knows he is seeing someone. But he says he is not looking for anyone and if he was it would be me... gee thanks

I saw some pics of him and a female on facebook which hurt my feelings and I felt crossed a line that has definitely made me rethink this entire 2 years period of dealing with him. He said why cant I just wait until I finish nursing school (next month) and when we are both on our feet and see what happens then, He was definitely shifting blame and his voice was escalating and he wouldn't let me say anything and eventually ended the call by hanging up. So that same night I sent him the following text.

"I am way too emotionally invested in you. And it's hard because you are not equally invested in me. I have never had a problem with you or any guy I'm talking to having female friends.. But pictures on Facebook do not lie and those captions (you looking at her and she looking at you) was not ok to me. My feelings were beyond hurt and I don't want to feel like that again. You don't owe me anything, these friendships are important to you and I get it. I don't want to spend any more time trying to prove how much better I am than the next "friend". If you can't see that after 2 years you will never see it. But that's ok I don't blame anyone but myself I chose this road and it wasn't like I was not warned. But I expected more from you because I thought I meant more to you it's obvious I do not. You can only be yourself and I do not expect anything else from you. So with that you do not have to worry about me stalking you or asking you about this and that. I have unfriended u on Facebook and no longer follow you on Instagram. You are a grown single man and should do what makes you happy. And it's obvious that does not include being with me so it's all love no hard feelings I really hope whatever it is you are searching for you find and I'm sure you will. So I am going to take some time to mend my heart and you do you"

That was 5 days ago I have not heard from him. he did come to my home while I was at work and left my sweater I left in his car with my kids but other than that nothing. I do not know what to do now. I mean I did allow myself to fall in love with him. But now looking back maybe I was hanging on to the hope of what could be and not the reality of what it is.. I feel so compelled to text him but I will not. Im so confused right now but thanks for listening...

Unknown said...

this a hell of a red list, I like this a lots being a woman I have got into many kind of situation, but fortunately I have a freaking pride at time so it help to not make mistakes like ignoring the sign

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 23, 10:42 PM,
"he says he is not looking for anyone and if he was it would be me... gee thanks"

Well, that explains it dear - he's made it clear...he is NOT in a relationship with ANYONE here, but he is most likely dating many and treating each one the same (friends) :-(

If these were true friends, he'd be answering the phone. I have male friends and I date someone and if my male friends would need me, I'd be there and I'd drag the individual I'm dating along with me LOL.

"He said why cant I just wait until I finish nursing school (next month) and when we are both on our feet and see what happens then"

So basically, he's asking why he can't continue to string you along...and you be okay with it??!! Wow.

"I was hanging on to the hope of what could be and not the reality of what it is"

Yes dear, it happens :-( And it's the single biggest reason why I do not advocate casual sex for women. Casual sex does emotional damage to women as women bond physically and men do not. So any woman casually seeing a man, WILL become emotionally attached. In the end, it's self-torture so I do not advocate casual relationships for women as a result - because the woman ends up hurt and feeling used :-(

"I feel so compelled to text him but I will not."

No dear, don't do that. Don't do anything. Let go. This is damaging to you, it's emotionally unhealthy not to mention possibly physically unhealthy (you have no clue who else he's sleeping with) and it's going no where. Realize dear, that you cannot control others, only your reaction to them. You can't make a man love you or want to be with you....but you can take control of YOUR OWN happiness.

Here's how - read this link below and hopefully, it will empower you :-)


Anonymous said...

I was introduced to this guy through my friend and he called me and I called him back. Then he asked me to meet him and I did and we actually had a good first dat. I felt like we have many common background and actually I never said he is the one in my entire life, but I did when I met him because he is very honest, nice, and attractive too. However, after our second date he seems to contact me less and less which worried me. I understand that we both are busy with school and work. I text him and he does text me really fast, but he never initiate texting me and I am now tired and thinking to move on.

Anonymous said...

Dear, Mirrior

Thanks for the signs you posted, I wish I knew those signs before I met this guy.

Anonymous said...

I really hope someone responds to this. He hasn't been working for a couple years now. I was in school and had to drop out ....well I got kicked out...because I couldnt pay my fees for that year. I've been out of school ...university...... For 3 years now...I found a job but I've been supporting him. So I still haven't paid off my school debt...he can't help because he doesn't have a job. He's 12 years my senior. I'm 24.
Here's my problem....every job he finds is no good....he always quits on the first day. He either says its minimum wage or not enough breaks.
He doesn't answer me when I call sometimes and always has an excuse but if I don't answer him like if I'm in the shower he will fume like he just came from hell.
Everything I say to him he says is foolish or stupid or doesn't make sense.
If I'm crying because he said something mean...he just says cry some more or yells more at me.
He never wants me to buy anything but he buys everything. Our bank accounts are joint . like if I say I wanna buy a slice of pizza for work today he'll say why you eating junk food.or you're gonna get fat...or I need the money to buy a part for my car.
If he works for a month or so when he gets paid....he doesn't tell me but spends all the money and says he forgot to tell me he got some money. I'll stop here for just a few examples.
Please help....be honest.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 1, 1:10 AM,
"every job he finds is no good....he always quits on the first day. He either says its minimum wage or not enough breaks."

That's because he doesn't NEED to have a job dear - because YOU step up to the plate, pick up his slack and support him. You're making a choice to support him and because of that, he's making a choice to sit back and collect on your willingness to do so.

"Everything I say to him he says is foolish or stupid or doesn't make sense."

Next time he does that, you may want to point out that if you're so stupid and nothing you say makes any sense, then why are you the only one able to hold down a job and support him? Stupid people that don't make sense are not successful in life, yet you are...and you're support HIM, and HE is NOT successful. So ask him how that can be? Ask him how he thinks it is that someone he claims is stupid and doesn't make sense....is able to support him? And if you so stupid and don't make sense, then why is it that he lets a woman he thinks is stupid and doesn't make sense...support him?

"If I'm crying because he said something mean...he just says cry some more or yells more at me."

That's emotional immaturity and lack of self-control brought on by it.

"Our bank accounts are joint "

If you're NOT married and legally bound to each other, that's a HUGE mistake dear. Do you realize that every single cent that YOU place into that account, legally, you're now giving him the legal right to half of it by placing his name on the account?

NEVER, and I mean NEVER - place a man that you are NOT married to, onto your bank account - EVER.

"If he works for a month or so when he gets paid....he doesn't tell me but spends all the money and says he forgot to tell me he got some money."

Close the joint account immediately. Open one in YOUR name ONLY. Do NOT open one for him, he's a grown man, let HIM take care of HIS own personal finances.

Next, give him a 30 day notice in writing that he is to move at once. Put this in the mail and send it "certified" to him at your place (so you can prove he received a 30 day notice.) If he fails to move in 30 days, then YOU move, and you leave HIM there to take care of HIMSELF like a respectable grown man should.

Your other option is to continue things as they are, letting a grown man that's older than you but refers to you as stupid live off of you, sucking you dry like a vampire. Until you take drastic measures to FORCE him to take care of himself, accept responsibility for his own actions and be accountable for his own decisions (like quitting jobs all the time)...he will forever by YOUR problem to take care of dear. Why? Because YOU are making the CHOICE to support him, to permit this behavior, and to pick up the slack when he fails you as a man :-(

The only way out dear, is to separate your finances, make him accountable, make him responsible - and FORCE him to take care of himself. Anything short of that, and he'll forever be like a grown child that you're taking care of.

Julie said...

I hope I can keep this short and sweet, I met a guy on line we chatted for a while exchanged phone numbers and chatted on the phone we got on extremely well and he asked me out on a first date, we go on great really enoyed each others company we got seperate taxis home and next day he text and said what a great time he had and wanted to do it again soon we arranged further dates 6 in total up to now all great fun and laughter smiling and both seemed happy to be in each others company, he invited me over on Valentines day evening for a meal at his place I arrived he had made a hugh effort with the table everything was perfect we chatted about all sorts smiling and generally happy in each others company, then we were intimate it was great he made me feel at ease It had been a very long time since I felt nice about anyone , next morning he text me asking if I was ok (btw I never call never text him never ask for dates and never pay) and would i like to come over again for a bit to eat which I did and the inevitable happened again we discussed out likes and dislikes he wanted to please me, I though Ive hit the jackpot ticking all the boxes I still kept my cool I thanked him for everything and that I appreciated him we kissed we cuddles and I hope I was making him feel good and feeling happy. We both work and he had already said that he had a busy week coming up and he would call, I held my own never called weekend coming up and was excited to see him hoping he would invite me out for our 8th date did he asked me how I was what he was dfoing that morning and said he didnt know what his plans were for later and that he didint want to mess me about followed buy he needs time on his own and that it was nothing personal just hectic time and hoped I understood, i said I did and to take all the time he needed and assured him I wold be ok, he text me for a few nights I replied to them then missed a few days he would text and I just reply still not initiating anything and carrying on with my life and seeing friends he calls and says he will pop and see me for a chat and a coffee I say yes thats fine will see you then, he pops in we chat he gives me a kiss goes then then nothing for a week, so Im thinking hes not really interested so get rid... I have a couple of Cds which belong to him so I text him saying hiya hope your good I have finished with your Cds when your passing next pop in and collect them he replies hoping im well and he will pop in during the week, I hope Im not chasing him I dont have a gut feeling but I think hes used to women chasing him and I wont I dont know if I should play this cat and mouse game or just boot him, im not sire now if I was intimate too soon without any kind of commitment only time will tell I guess unless he gets CDs and I dont see him again either way I dont think I lose but It does not feel to great any advice on this what to do next? by the way we are not youngsters

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, there isn't much you can do dear. Nothing you say or do will change things. You can't make someone love you or want to be in a relationship with you, ya' know? And sometimes, this is how it goes. When dating, people can have changing feelings, emotions, etc. and unfortunately, we can't control that. We have to just roll with the punches and remain graceful, keeping our dignity.

What you CAN do in the meantime however, is not sit around and wait on this man - meaning, get out there and date other men:


Don't wait for him to "pick" you or make a decision about you. Instead, accept what he's telling you and in the meantime, continue moving forward with your life. If he wants you, he knows where to find you and he can always catch up to you :-)

Unknown said...

I met this guy a few weeks ago, and let him pursue me (I originally wasn't interested because I was enjoying being single). We kept in touch and he called me a few times and we agreed to go on a date. After the date he texted me when he got home, asked how my evening was going, etc. and then I didn't hear from him for 2 days.
Thing is, he's been doing this a lot. Sometimes he waits hours, or even waits until the next day before responding to a text, and other days he is texting me all day. He calls a few times a week, and when he does he asks lots of questions, and seems to take a general interest in my life.
I just don't understand why he sometimes disappears for a day or two, or will randomly not respond to a text. Is this all part of the Rubber Band Theory...? He waited nearly a full day before responding to a text I sent yesterday, so I am now doing the same thing to him. I feel childish, but at the same time don't want him thinking he can just text whenever he wants and expect a response....

Is this guy even into me though...?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I just don't understand why he sometimes disappears for a day or two, or will randomly not respond to a text."

Many men don't have "communication" at the top of their priority list. And they will not communicate regularly every day as if they're in a relationship early on, when there is no established commitment or agreement to date exclusively. So to that extent, it's not unusual for a man to not touch base daily early on.

But this:

"waits until the next day before responding to a text"

"will randomly not respond to a text"

"He waited nearly a full day before responding to a text I sent yesterday"

That's ignorance - however, I will say that when a woman takes the lead role and begins to be the one to pursue and initiate communication (yes, men consider that pursuit), men have a tendency to pull back and distance themselves from that because it feels too much like a "relationship" to them. It makes them feel an obligation to the woman when there aren't really any obligations or commitments in place.

Men feel that when women do that - it's heading into "relationship" territory fast, so they pull back and put some distance there to try to maintain a "casual" pace. Men generally don't rush into relationships and when they feel like the woman may be taking the lead to nudge that along and pick up the pace of the relationship, they'll pull back to control the speed and slow things down.

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not, is to see if HE pursues HER. So don't initiate anymore communication, let HIM come to YOU, and see if that makes him relax a little. And if you don't hear from him for a day or two, it's okay. You're casually dating at this point so you can't expect relationship treatment (such as daily communication).

So sit back, let him come to you, and when he does, mirror his behavior, leave some space there, leave some time there and create a nice, relaxed, non-pressure situation - and see if that draws him towards you.

If it doesn't, then you have to accept that and you simply keep moving forward with your life, dating others and keeping yourself busy. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. And if you want to make yourself available to him, you can choose to do so at the point - or you can choose not to ;-)

Unknown said...

Great advice, thank you so much!
He has since initiated a conversation, but I'm doing as you suggested and giving it space ;) We will see what happens! I'm in no rush, and I WANT to be pursued, so we will see if he's up to the challenge.

Thanks for the reply!! Great advice, and great articles! I have read several, and all are bang on!

anonymous said...

Ive known dis guy since d yr 2000. We reconnected on facebook 3yrs ago n we have been communicating constantly for over one month. He said we should be friends for now and see where it leads. During two of our conversations he told me dat if it was left for him he is not ready to settle down now buh his mum keeps insisting he does. He calls me everyday on skype despite d time difference and now he has even increased it to twice a day with bbm messages along d line. He is in Australia and I am in the US. He listens to me and remember what I talk to him abt. N want to know abt my family. He seems like a good person but I don't know what to make of this. He is 33yrs old. Pls response is critically needed. Thank you. Anonymous

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