"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags

Let’s face it, women provide men with a lot of excuses. It reminds me of an old tune “Up On Cripple Creek” by The Band. In that instance, the lyrics of the song identify that it’s a woman making excuses for her drunken man:

“Up on Cripple Creek, she sends me. If I spring a leak, she mends me. I don’t have to speak, she defends me. A drunkard’s dream, if I ever did see one.”

When it comes to dating, one of the big excuses for a man’s bad behavior that I hear often is, “I think he’s just intimidated by me.” I also hear, “He likes me, he just doesn’t want to admit it.” Wrong. He is not into you.

Men are simple creatures, ladies, and quite honestly, they are not that difficult to figure out (i.e. they wave relationship red flags you need to pick up on). They don’t have the complex range of emotions that women have and when they communicate amongst themselves, it’s very basic communication at best.

Women bring a lot of emotional turmoil and heartache onto themselves by throwing logic out the window and attempting to tune into a man using their emotions instead. Basic logic is what men use when communicating, not emotion. So why are you using emotions to decipher logic?

That’s like trying to listen to the radio – via the television remote control. In order to tune into an FM station, you need a radio receiver – not a remote control. Logic and common sense is your radio receiver, ladies. Emotion and the television’s remote control will do you no good here.

So when dating, don’t throw your common sense out the window. It’s your greatest, most valuable, asset. Let’s cut through all the background “noise” and get straight to the point - let’s listen to the music.

Signs That He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags

He Wants A Relationship Right Away: Big relationship red flag. He’s “fast tracking” you – into the bedroom. The speed with which he appeared, is the speed with which he’ll disappear.

You’re Calling Him: If he really likes you, he’ll call you. He’ll make time for you and he’ll want to beat out other men by making his presence known. If he’s not calling you, it’s because he’s avoiding you. Don’t make a fool of yourself by trying to convince him to date you. It appears desperate to men. The more you call, the less attracted to you he will be (but he will still sleep with you first).

You've Been Dating For Months, Yet No "L" Word: If it's been 6 months or more, that's because he's not feeling anything for you and he probably never will.

He Takes Days, Weeks or Hours To Respond To Calls And Texts: You’re not high on his list of priorities.

He Disappears: Big red flag. He’s definitely not that into you. A guy who really likes a girl would NEVER even consider doing this for fear he’d lose her.

You’re Asking Him Out: If HE’S not asking YOU out, it’s because he doesn’t want to spend time with you. Men go after what they desire. Period – case closed. NEVER initiate a date – EVER. You’ll never know where you stand with him and he’ll never respect you completely. Become the aggressor and you’ll have a 3 week affair, but never a relationship.

He’s Offering A Burger When You Deserve A Steak: If he’s taking you to casual dining places rather than romantic tables covered in white linens, he doesn’t value you. Times are tough, I get that. But at least once or twice a month, he should be treating you like something of value.

You’ve Met Online, But He’s Never Asked Your Last Name: That’s because he doesn’t care who you are. Your name could be Knarly Marley and it wouldn’t matter because it’s the face and the body, not the person inside, that he’s focused on. You might as well be a blow up doll.

He’s Not Paying For Anything: He’s an opportunist looking for his next victim. He doesn’t value you and never will. He’s a bum. No respectable man lets a woman pick up the tab – EVER. Providing for a woman is what makes a man feel like a man.

He’s Aggressive About Sex: He doesn’t care to know who you are, but is dying to know what you look like naked.

His Text Or Email Conversations Are Usually No More Than 5 Words In Length: He’s being polite by responding, but he doesn’t really care. This is especially true in online dating. If he can’t converse with you prior to meeting you, he won’t bother much while you’re sitting across the table from him either - but he will still ask to see your apartment after dinner.

The Ex Comes Up Often: He’s hung up and he’s not over it. His heart is elsewhere and he’s emotionally unavailable. If the ex comes up often, you leave immediately or it’ll only be a matter of time before he’s comparing the two of you in his head – and you’ll never live up to his glorified memories of her.

You’re Performing Great Acts of Kindness While He Does Nothing: He’s taking advantage of you and probably referring to you as his cleaning lady to his buds. No man expects a woman he respects and admires to act like a servant. So stop doing laundry, running errands, baking cookies, cooking meals and cleaning his apartment.

He Hides His Phone: Because there are things in there he doesn’t want you to see. He’s communicating with other women, exchanging porn with friends, dealing drugs, stockpiling naked pictures of his exes or is a CIA operative. Any way you slice it, he’s not letting you in.

He’s Late All The Time: He’s being disrespectful and signaling that HIS time is priority, not YOURS. He’s also signaling that he doesn’t care about the consequences of upsetting you.

He Went To An Important Event Without Inviting You: He doesn’t see you as part of his lifestyle. You’re on the fringes, you’re not on the inside.

His Actions Don’t Match His Words: He’s a player and he’s playing you via mental manipulation. He’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear – and then doing whatever the hell he wants.

He Refers To Himself As A Player: He’s warning you that he’s in it for fun and games, not long term commitment. A man who wants to be with you long term will NEVER want you to think this of him. But a man who doesn’t care about you, will want you to think he’s a real catch – so you’ll sleep with him to see what all the fuss is about.

He Can’t Commit To Plans More Than 24 Hours In Advance: He’s waiting for something better to do and you’re playing second fiddle. A guy who really likes you will want to take up your days and evenings so that no other man can.

When You’re Speaking, He’s Gawking In Other Directions: He’s tuning you out because what you have to say holds no value to him. He’s biding his time and going through the motions until the evening progresses – and he can then get “down to business” with you.

He Repeats Things He’s Already Told You Over And Over Again: He doesn’t remember anything he’s already told you because he’s running schtick on you. He’s been on loads of dates and he doesn’t remember who with. This is his game and he’s like a record stuck on repeat going through the motions.

He Won’t Give You A Drawer At His Place: If you’ve been spending lots of overnight stays there and this doesn’t eventually happen, it’s because he has no plans of you being there long term.

He Leaves The Room To Take Calls: He’s speaking to people you wouldn’t approve of and that he never intends to inform you of.

He’s Gone Before 9AM: If he’s spending the night and regularly leaves early in the morning rather than taking you to breakfast or spending the afternoon with you – you’re a booty call and/or friend with benefits.

He Avoids Eye Contact Or Sits Slightly Turned Away From You: He’s distancing himself from you because he has no real intention of ever “letting you in” or becoming emotionally intimate with you. But that doesn’t mean he won’t have sex with you.

He Just Wants To Be Friends: Translation – he doesn’t want a relationship - with you.

He Doesn’t Remember Important Things: If he forgets your birthday or a date you’ve made previously, it’s because you’re not important to him. However ladies, don’t expect him to remember the day you met, or the date of your first date, etc. We’re talking important events here.

You’ve Never Met His Friends Or Family: If it’s been 6 months and still nothing, he’s not going to make you a part of his life.

He Only Calls Late At Night Or When He’s Drunk: He’s looking for a “situation” not a relationship.

He’s All Over You In Private, But Acts Like He’s Your Buddy In Public: You’re a friend with benefits.

He Closes His Internet Browser When You Enter The Room: We all know why this happens.

He Openly Admits He Hates Things You Love: He could care less about the things you care about. Basically, this signals he doesn’t care about YOU.

He Chooses Time With Friends Over Time With You: You’re providing a nice distraction for him when there’s nothing better to do but he’ll never make you first on the list.

He Makes Promises He Doesn’t Keep: Because you’re not that important to him and he doesn’t care enough about you to be worried if you’ll leave when he breaks them.

He Doesn’t Defend Your Honor: He has no respect for you and doesn’t feel he’s responsible for protecting you.

He Laughs At You, Not With You: He doesn’t care if he hurts your feelings and probably never will.

He Makes No Future Plans With You: That’s because when he peers into the future, he doesn’t see you there, standing beside him.

He Shows No Interest In Things or People You Love: He simply does not care about the things that are important to you or what makes you tick.

You Constantly Wonder, Is He Into Me? This is a sure fire way to know . . . that he’s not. Listen to your gut, Ladies.

It's Only Common Sense

This isn't rocket science, it's common sense. Notice what all of the things above indicate? They all generally point to his lack of interest, his lack of care and they’re an indication that there’s no future.

Logic tells us this. Don’t use your emotions to try to read anything else into it. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck – it’s a duck, Ladies.

Quack, quack, quack.

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Anonymous said...

Began dating a really quiet guy two months ago. He has low confidence in himself also. I was attracted to his gentle nature. I figured at the beginning he was just shy and would take some time to open up. So I was patient. However, two months later and he still doesn't talk much. I brought up this concern and all he said was "I am just not a talker".

He is one of those elusive Scorpio guys who like to find out everything about you but reveal little about themselves.

I am finding it extremely frustrating and exhausting trying to pry him open. Is he just "not into me"? Or am I fighting an uphill battle with a mute? By the way, he has no problem "expressing himself" in the bedroom.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I am finding it extremely frustrating and exhausting trying to pry him open. Is he just "not into me"?"

It's not you dear - chances are this man is "emotionally unavailable:"

". . .evasive, make excuses, or are just inept when it comes to talking about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activities to create distance."

Anonymous said...

I became involved with an old high school friend about 8 months ago. We were never close then but we knew of each other and were friends with mutual groups. Since linking up after a brief facebook convo when I had my own place we nearly spent every "night" together. Simply Bc that's when my son is asleep (3 year old) and we are both pretty busy throughout the day. From day one he admitted he wasn't looking for anything serious & I'm actually undergoing a divorce but have been separated for sometime. He had recently gotten out of a long term relationship also.

Anyway, in the course of a few months he's slipped up and said he loves me 3 times (I know for fact he doesn't even realize he said it), he's run into my ex & they haven't been pleasant run ins , I've moved out and in wit a relative -- but we still keep in touch. We communicate daily. But he's facing a lot of "situations" family related, recently loss job, and his childs mother is not allowing him to see his son. I too have my own situations (but who doesn't).

Anyway, needless to say -- of course I have developed lots of feelings. I've grown attached. So I take a lot of things personally & etc. I don't desire a title. But I don't understand how he is so attracted to me, we connect, we talk everyday & spend time together, but when asked he makes it seem as if though we are "NOTHING" or "JUST FRIENDS". How can he "care" about me but acts as if though he's not as attached.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 29, 8:32 PM
"How can he "care" about me but acts as if though he's not as attached."

Because he's not attached -- meaning, he does not want a commitment. You said, "From day one he admitted he wasn't looking for anything serious."

When men tell you that, believe them. When they say they don't want a relationship, believe them. When they say they don't want a commitment, believe them. When they say they don't want anything serious, believe them.

Because as you can see, it's their truth.

He's not acting attached because he doesn't want to be attached. It is possible to care about someone but not want to be in a serious committed relationship with them.

I'm sure he does care about you. However, that doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want a serious relationship :-(

Fire & Water said...

"It is possible to care about someone but not want to be in a serious committed relationship with them."

I find this such a difficult concept to wrap my mind around...this idea of caring romantically for someone but not wanting a relationship. Guys don't seem to have much trouble with it though.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Fire & Water,
"It is possible to care about someone but not want to be in a serious committed relationship with them."

I find this such a difficult concept to wrap my mind around...this idea of caring romantically for someone but not wanting a relationship. Guys don't seem to have much trouble with it though."

That's because women tend to view relationships through rose-colored glasses a lot of the time, while men tend to be much more realistic about it. Women tend to "romanticize" relationships while men tend to view them as a loss of freedom and independence.

Relationships are WORK.

And when you view it realistically through that lens, much like men tend to do, you begin to understand.

Relationships require real work and effort. All the time. Every day. Day in, day out. Seven days a week. 356 days a year. They are not always fun. And much of the time, you're compromising yourself for someone else to make them happy. No more lounging around all day doing whatever you want. No more boys/girls nights out every week or at all in some cases. No more staying out till the wee hours of the morning. No more watching whatever you want on TV all day. No more only having to worry about yourself.

There's a lot of work involved. And much of it, men are simply not accustomed to, or comfortable with, until they're emotionally mature and really "ready" for it.

Think about it. You have to share your emotions constantly. You have to do, and participate, in things that you might not always want to do or be involved in to make someone else happy. You now have to deal with someone else's family and friends in addition to your own. You now have to compromise and make sacrifices regularly. You no longer get to think in terms of "me" - instead it's now "we." You have to answer to someone and call/check-in regularly. You have to be mindful of anothers feelings in addition to your own. You have to listen to someone's problems in addition to your own and attempt to help them. You have to take another's feelings into consideration at all times. You have to share your home, your personal time, and your money many times with someone else. You no longer have the amount of independence you're accustomed to. You no longer have the amount of freedom you're accustomed to. You now have to try and understand someone else.

Basically, it's a complete lifestyle change.

And not everyone views that lifestyle change as an entirely positive change. Many people do not want to, or are not comfortable with, sacrificing that much of themselves. And when that's the case, they chose not to enter into a situation that requires them to do exactly that.

Sex is one thing. But everything above is a whole other issue - it's a lot more. Most people enjoy sex. But many people do not enjoy all of the above. As a result, they chose to participate in the sexual portion - but the do not chose to participate in the commitment portion above that requires all of the work.

The sex portion requires only a fraction of the work to receive - while the relationship portion requires a complete and total 100% investment and entire lifestyle change.

When you think of it like that and you're realistic about the work that's truly involved, you begin to understand how it's possible to only want the sexual portion. . .without the investment and lifestyle change that the relationship portion requires.

It's one of the reasons that I'm constantly reminding folks of just how much work and sacrifice is truly required - to make a committed relationship actually work. It's not always fun, and it truly does require a total commitment that you have to be emotionally ready for ;-)

Anonymous said...

I'm sure he does care about you. However, that doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want a serious relationship :-(

Thank you for such a speedy response! I do understand what yo are saying, - and I understand a relationship require lots of work! In fact,it's not necessarily that I want a serious SERIOUS relationship either, I just want to know that it's a mutual feeling that we share. I actually tried asking him did he feel the same way I did, but I didn't phrase it as clearly as I thought I had -- bc he responded by telling me he could not see himself in a relationship with me. I think after he told me that,it changed the wholeee dynamic of our relationship -- bc tTHAT'S when I begin wondering why? - Or actually began kind of wanting it,when I know logically he isn't ready. And Im not really either. Since we had the conversation months ago, I rarely bring anything close to a relationship up - bc it's a set up for disappointment and just awkwardness. I respect the way he thinks bc he's said a many times he wouldn't enter into a relationship w/o having himself in a more stable position and that/s beyond emotional, but financially and etc...

I guess what I want to know is -- is it possible to continue on a friendship with someone you have a great deal of feelings for (bc it's like you always want more than they are willing to give)? And do you think that things would/could ever manifest into something more -- or do you back away and allow him to make the moves? Ive never been in this position before.

Over the course of time he has opened up a lot to me A LOT more. & Whenever he leaves (opposed to months back) he gives me one of those Ill see you later kisses --- it's bf like behavior & I dont believe he tries to confuse me, as he enjoys the feel of it also. But he does.

I dont want to lose him as a friend, bc he's a cool person.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 1, 11:56 AM,
"is it possible to continue on a friendship with someone you have a great deal of feelings for (bc it's like you always want more than they are willing to give)?"

I don't suggest doing that, it's not healthy - it's painful. And if it is going to take place, both individuals need to be very mature. Not only is it painful, it can also do a lot of damage to someone's self-esteem and confidence. Being involved with someone you have feelings for and never seeing those feelings reciprocated over a long length of time only causes a lot of self-doubt, confusion and hurt feelings, and ends up affecting confidence and self-esteem as a result.

And when that happens and you begin to feel unworthy, you enter new relationships feeling unworthy and then insecurities surface that begin to interfere with new potential relationships as well.

"And do you think that things would/could ever manifest into something more"

Most times, individuals who do not wish for a commitment do not change their mind any time soon on that. If they do, it's generally years later. Because the process of maturing and understanding yourself and your own needs takes a lot of time. It doesn't happen overnight or in a few months.

Which is why you don't wait around for it to happen, or put your life on hold hoping that it will. Instead, it's best to walk away from the individual. Let them go their own way and discover themselves on their own journey, while you continue to move forward in life seeking out a partner who wants what you want and who values and appreciates you.

If he changes his mind, he knows where, and how, to find you - and he can always catch up to you later on down the line. But you don't stop living your life waiting for that to happen.

"Whenever he leaves (opposed to months back) he gives me one of those Ill see you later kisses --- it's bf like behavior & I don't believe he tries to confuse me, as he enjoys the feel of it also."

That's affection. And while yes, it does take place in romantic relationships between men and women, it also takes place in parental relationships with children and it also takes places in friendships, and even with social acquaintances as a general way to part and say goodbye. It signals that there's affection, however, it does not necessarily signal that there's a committed romantic connection.

"I don't want to lose him as a friend, bc he's a cool person."

Cool person or not -- you need to realize that if you stick around as a friend when secretly you're expecting more, you're going to experience some hits to your self-esteem and confidence, you're going to experience confusion and pain, and you're going to begin to question your own self-worth.

I do not think a friendship with a cool person is worth sacrificing that much of yourself for. . .because there are a lot of cool people in this world, and a lot of them actually want relationships.

So it's not necessary to sacrifice so much of yourself for one, when there are so many others out there that do not require such sacrifices -- and actually want the same things you want (committed relationship).

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror, I would really appreciate some of your advice. How do you ask the guy you're dating if he wants a committed relationship and at what point? I've been dating a guy for almost 3 months (that dreaded 3 month mark!) and I want a serious relationship, I don't do casual dating. I don't see the point in dating someone if you can't see it becoming serious. I don't want to scare him off and I don't necessarily want him to be my boyfriend right now, I just want that security that he wants a committed relationship with me at some point!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 3, 8:40 AM,
"How do you ask the guy you're dating if he wants a committed relationship and at what point?"

You don't. It's a man job to lead, not a woman's. When dating, it's a woman's job to decide if she wants to submit to a mans lead, but it's not her job to take over the masculine role and begin leading. The man should be the one to ask for a commitment, not the woman.

Your job is CHOICE. So if you've dated a man for 3 months and you feel he's not leading that relationship into anything more serious and you're not happy about that -- you don't attempt to jump in and control him or the relationship. And you don't wait around for HIM to make a decision about YOU.

You have say-so in this as well. So if you're dating a man and you don't believe he's leading the relationship anywhere, instead YOU make a decision about the MAN -- and you decide to walk away from him. If you do that and he decides he wants you, then HE can take the lead and PURSUE YOU.

As a woman, you do not show insecurity. You do not question, you do not pressure, you do not attempt to take the lead and control things, you do not lay down ground rules and you do not wait around for a man to make a decision about you.

Instead, you are ALWAYS moving forward, with or without the man. Because if he wants you, he can seek you out. He can PROVE himself GENUINELY interested by taking ACTION and LEADING the relationship towards something more serious.

"I don't do casual dating. I don't see the point in dating someone if you can't see it becoming serious."

But -- that doesn't make sense dear. How can you even know if you want something serious with the man until you've casually dated him first? It's not possible to determine if you want to spend a lifetime with a complete stranger, ya' know? You have to get to know them first, and the casual dating period is the time when you OBSERVE the mans behavior, his treatment of you, and whether or not HE feels the same way about YOU - in order to make that determination.

And the only way a woman can truly know if a man DOES feel that way about her and IS genuinely interested in her. . .is to see if HE pursues HER.

And then based on your observations of his actions, behavior and treatment of you during this casual dating period, you then simply have to make the choice as to whether or not you'll submit to that lead. . .or whether or not this is even a man that's genuinely interested that you'd like to spend a significant amount of time with.

"I just want that security that he wants a committed relationship with me at some point!"

But -- when there's a "need" for security, it signals that there's a "lack" of it somewhere else (insecurity).

There are no guarantees in life dear. And even when people TELL you with WORDS that there will be one, they lie. They lie and manipulate so that they can have their way. A man SAYING there's interest for a relationship someday doesn't provide you with any security at all.

Because it's only WORDS.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And if those words are not followed by ACTION, they're meaningless. Which brings me right back to my early point. . .the only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not, is to see if HE pursues HER (takes ACTION).

And in order to find that out, it means that you cannot take action. Instead, you have to OBSERVE whether or not HE IS taking action. . .and then you simply have a choice to make:

1) If he isn't taking action and he isn't leading the relationship to something more serious, then you make the choice to leave him because he's a man that doesn't appear genuinely interested or willing to make you happy.

2) If he is taking action and he is leading the relationship towards something more serious - then you simply make the choice whether or follow him or not. If you decide to follow that lead towards something more serious, then eventually you will become a couple (without even having to talk about it).

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mirror for your prompt reply! I meant by my casual comment that I like to date thinking about long term (i.e. if I can't see myself being in a relationship with this guy then I cease dating them). I usually can see this early on! I understand that the man should be the one initiating and leading but in my experience they take longer to decide they want a committed relationship. I am an impatient Aries and like to see things moving forward, maybe I am expecting too much too early. He got me a birthday present and I am pretty convinced he is not dating anyone else. I guess I just have to observe and see what his actions are (if any) to move this dating relationship forward.

Anonymous said...

This is a very useful article. Thanks :)

In my case I fell in love with a co-worker almost a year ago. At some point we ended up talking about it (I wasn't planning on telling him about my feelings, but it still happened) and he said he wasn't into me cause he was in love with another girl (outside the office) and that he thought relationships at work meant trouble. He was my best friend at the office but still we separated for a while, he started dating this girl he mentioned, then he came to me to make peace, we started slowly talking again and being friends at work, then this girl dumped him (like two months into the relationship) and now (almost a year after that) things are as they used to be (maybe even better as friends), but he's still my best friend at the office. We don't go out together or anything, he texts me sometimes at night or weekends to talk about stuff but that's about it, he has "invited me out" (we'll do this someday... nothing concrete) but these "dates" never materialize. I never call him on his behaviour, never complain about it and more important never ask him out, never. Sometimes I text him (short texts, I never talk that much unless he starts the conversation) if I need to or if it's a especial day (bday, etc) but it's really rare when I do it, sometimes he doesn't even answer and sometimes he gives me an explanation (I never ask for one, he explains because he wants to). Also he's kind of a misanthrope, he has like one best friend and doesn't really like to go out, I'm also like this, we're kind of nerdy and shy xD. I can't say I'm completely out of love with him, I feel that if he seriously comes and starts hitting on me someday I'm gonna fall again, but it isn't the same as it used to be, being close to him almost everyday has made me see that even when the qualities that made me fall for him are still there I've realized that there are some things about him that I don't like. He isn't a bad guy, he does like a gazillion things for me (I don't ask him to, he just does it, that's why sometimes I do things for him too), he buys me stuff and he's always trying to please me in some way (if I need something and he can solve it he just does it), I know he thinks I'm hot cause he has told me that in a few ways, never directly. So I think he has some sort of affection for me but beyond that...

I wrote this to ask for advice but it seems I just know what to do hahahaha: keep being his friend and develop my social life just so I can find my prince elsewhere and keep looking hot for myself.

But any opinion is appreciated anyway Aphrodite :)

Thanks :)

Anonymous said...

The red flags are spot on!
I have looked on numerous sites for my answer to my problem, I have asked my friends, I have asked other male players and yet not one of them knows why one certain player continues to play games. Seven years now, not bad huh hahaha.
Even after trying to let him down gently, then in a 'nasty' way (which by his accounts turned him on!!!) he continues to play games. I know he doesn't want a relationship with me, I am his fantasy (apparently) but is it possible that seeing as I am the one who got away years ago it is making him think oddly? Or is it possible that because I resemble his ex wife he wants to inflict emotional pain by constant lying to get back at her, in his head?
My feelings for him over the years have gone from lusting to disgust, the bloke is so wrong on many levels.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 11, 6:51 PM,
"is it possible that seeing as I am the one who got away years ago it is making him think oddly?"

Chances are that this man is secretly deeply insecure, and as a result, feels the need to overcompensate and "prove" to himself that he is "worthy."

Somewhere along the line, you became the challenge - "after trying to let him down gently, then in a 'nasty' way (which by his accounts turned him on!!!"

So now, in his head, he may be thinking, "If I can land her, I know I'm valuable. Because she's a challenge and won't settle with just anyone. So if I could only do that. . . "

Problem is - once insecure people actually prove something themselves - most times they're still insecure (because they're not dealing with their issues, they're running from them and projecting them onto others instead). . .and they are unable to actually maintain healthy, committed relationships.

Many will prove their point and disappear. Many will prove their point only to realize they still feel bad about themselves, so they move onto the next challenge. Many simply enjoy the attention the situation has brought to them, and once they've had their fill, they're over it.

In otherwords, just because the the conquest may be met, doesn't mean anything meaningful will result from it in the end. Because what really needs to take place is for the individual to work on themselves, which is something they're running from, and rarely ever accomplish.

So they tend to move through life being "needy" and seeking a lot of attention from the opposite sex, viewing them as challenges, then ultimately making the conquest - and then moving on and away from the "win" they've just experienced and starting the cycle of dysfunction all over again.

For many, it can be an endless loop :-(

Read this and see if any alarm bells start to sound off:


Anonymous said...

Mirror, You are so fantastic. So much wisdom, empathy, humor, and common sense in your reflections on relationships. You are such a friend to women!

I want to chime in, because I'm reading for reasons outside my own relationship (16.5 years very happily married to a loyal, handsome, successful, wonderful man). I'm so lucky and I know it, and damn if I didn't make a meatloaf dinner (he loves it!) for my husband last might after reading through the site.

Ladies, he is by far the best, but not the first gentleman I have been involved with. They are out there, and let me tell you, you have to do NO pursuing if a man wants you. An interested man will move heaven and earth to be with you, make no mistake. And if you are wondering one iota, it's likely he's not and it's best to move on.

My father was emotionally rather cold and could be quite unsupportive -- when I was younger I met quite a few men like him and vowed never to be with them, even as friends. Life is too short, as Mirror so wisely says!

A little anecdote about online dating my husband told me last night: one of his clients -- a ~30ish good-looking, smart, successful guy who loves to camp and hike and travel, and coaches his nephew's wrestling team -- recently went on a few dates online and said "not for me! I like to meet someone in person!" Apparently he was put off by the way people try to package themselves, among other things. And I am 100% certain my husband wouldn't have done that kind of thing either (we met taking a class we were both interested in). Food for thought.

Anonymous said...

Happily married woman here -- a few more thoughts:

I think it's probable that many nice men don't like things like online dating because they are modest and are uncomfortable with self-summary. It's not that they don't have good self-esteem, but to them it's distasteful and unmanly to talk about themselves online. This is true even with high emotional intelligence men like my husband, I think.

Regarding women pursuing men, initiating contact etc. -- Mirror is spot-on!! While being southern might have helped me know this from a young age, I also went to one of the Seven Sisters and consider myself a feminist in many ways. I still would never take the lead. Men LOVE to pursue, even the shy ones, and the best thing one can do is give them good chase :) A smart woman can do this gently, but it pays to give chase. Most men only need repeated warm smiles and pleasant engagement when talking to begin pursuit, in my experience.

A good man will show he has sticking power in short order. If he doesn't, it's best to move on. If he doesn't do it in the beginning, he won't be there when the inevitable slings and arrows of life come around. Just one woman's opinion!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Happily Married Anonymous Fri, Jun 3, 11:13 AM,
"I'm so lucky and I know it, and damn if I didn't make a meatloaf dinner (he loves it!) for my husband last might after reading through the site."

Omg, that made me laugh out loud! Good men are hard to find. If you have one - happily make him that meatloaf he loves because if God forbid, for whatever reason, you were to set him free, as you can see by reading the comments here -- he'd be fished out of that pond pretty quickly after you released him LOL!!

"An interested man will move heaven and earth to be with you, make no mistake. And if you are wondering one iota, it's likely he's not and it's best to move on."

Thank you for providing some support on that. There have been many times folks have accused me of being a "man hater" because all I often seem to do here is to advise women to move on. I'm no man hater - far from it. BUT - I do have quite a dislike for idiots, users and overgrown "man-children." And all too often, unfortunately, we're discussing those types here.

And the reason for that is because -- gentlemen don't treat women in a manner that causes them to question themselves, question him, and trigger insecurities in a woman that causes them to become filled with worry and anxiety. . .feelings that then force women to seek answers and explanations to mystifying, evasive, vague behavior they're on the receiving end of.

I also agree that gentlemen do not participate in the games and sexual escapades that tend to take place online either. Which is why ladies, when you meet a man there and he doesn't even bother to ask what your last name is. . .but he DOES bother to start requesting photos of your private parts -- he's NOT a gentleman and THAT right there is your cue to move on immediately.

Anonymous said...

Happily msrried woman here

Amen, Mirror! And what's so funny is that he thought *I* was treating him like a king with the dinner, when I was thinking to myself what a lucky devil I am!

Don't you think (and you've probably said it) that what women will often accept for themselves is not for a second what they would want for their daughters? Who would advocate her daughter compromising, putting up with some narcissist or man-baby, even briefly? Even if he was "just great" in some other ways? I don't think so!

And that reminds me, it does seem important -- as with so many things -- to internalize this when you're young, ideally before 30. A lot of good men are still out there at that age, often some great ones being cut loose because some girl wanted "excitement" from a not-so-nice guy.

For instance, my little brother-in-law, 6 foot 4, handsome, just finished law school in NYC, was with a girl for several years. Even though he is awesome, seriously great, she fell for some freaking actor and dumped him. How sad he was! And how quickly another girl spotted him -- they just had their first baby, and are happy as clams. And guess who, to no avail, came back around last year, wanting him back?

Moral of the story: don't waste time on the dopes, especially when young! It will mean that great guy could be invisible to you -- and therefore lost forever -- during that time wasted on Mr. Wrong.

And Jesus, I'm so glad sexting did not exist when I was younger. I cannot imagine getting such a request -- total non-starter & I agree completely, Mirror.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Happily Married Woman,
"Don't you think (and you've probably said it) that what women will often accept for themselves is not for a second what they would want for their daughters?"

I would think so -- and this goes back to something I've often discussed here. Which is this idea that society slowly embeds into young females heads. This concept that, if you smile and you're nice, and if you're a people pleaser that many times simply acts like an appliance for others. . .you will receive love for this.

So as mothers, which by the way I am not so any women who are, feel free to correct me on this. But I imagine growing up with that expectation from society has a way of forcing women who are mothers to act somewhat as martyrs. They'll "absorb" these negative things for themselves, with the hopes that their daughters won't have to. But what we don't realize is that when we do that, we're teaching our daughters and young women that this is what you do - you sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice to receive love. Even though you want something better for your daughter. Your intentions are good, but your actions may be saying otherwise.

Take my ex mother-in-law for example. A woman born in the 40's, a young woman in the 50's. She let her husband lead, which is great. But there were no boundaries. My ex father-in-law cheated - a lot - for many years, blatantly. She felt woman should be strong, and she felt women should be independent. She lived through the feminist movement.

BUT - she turned a blind eye to her husbands cheating ways and she told me to my face when I caught her son cheating on me, "You're going to regret leaving my son. You're going to regret being without a man. You're going to find that divorced women are not a hot commodity on the open market and you will regret this. You're not going to be able to take care of yourself."

Huh?? So her mindset said one thing, while her actions said something totally different. And deep down inside, she felt a woman should sacrifice her own happiness in order to have the security marriage provides. She said one thing, but then lived another existence daily. Because in her mind, that's what women were expected to do. And you know what her son said to me? His exact words were, "Why do you have to be such a bitch. A lot of women have cheating husbands and they don't throw away their marriage over it!"

See how deeply embedded that "sacrificial" mindset about women can be because of unspoken societal expectations? And then this can be quietly passed on down through the generations. They both expected me to sacrifice my happiness to receive his love. Uh, yea - NO. I told him, "You didn't marry many other women here, you married me." And I wasn't going to make any sacrifices like that in order to receive a smidgen of a man's love.

And I'll tell you what. When I dropped that 200 pounds of dead weight (my ex), I blossomed. I'm living a lifestyle now that's 100 times better than the one he provided. So for any young women reading this, if there are women in your life that are compromising understand that that's THEIR choice. . .but it DOESN'T have to be YOURS.

And I agree that imparting that message to women when they're young is vitally important. Because as you've stated, at that young age, there are a lot of great men still available. Don't waste those years on "exciting" bad boys because while you're doing that, smart women are scooping up the good guys. And some day, you're going to want to settle down.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I wasted 19 years total, in two different relationships, on bad boys. One was seven year relationship in my early 20s, another was 12 years with the man I married. Whom, by the way, I should add - has NOT changed AT ALL. He's now 45 years old, and was just dumped by the MUCH YOUNGER girl he's been with for 10+ years. . .and he's back at home with mom. Why did she dump him? I haven't received confirmation yet, but I suspect it was because he hasn't worked in 5 years, and spent his spare time cheating while she was out working to support their household.

History repeats itself gals, and only you can break those cycles. Don't waste precious years of your life waiting for bad men to change into good ones.

Because it doesn't happen. People are who they are. And you either accept them as they are, or you decide that they're not capable of making you happy and you move on to find a man that can, and will, make you happy. But you don't stick around trying to pound a square peg (bad boy) into a round hole (settled lifestyle with moral values).

Just because people age physically doesn't guarantee that they do so emotionally. And there are many women here on this site in their 50s and 60s that can attest to that. They're out there dating and bumping into these aging bad boys left and right.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,

I have been pulled in by the proverbial "bad boy" in two relationships. I hate to admit it but I am very attracted to these types due to the emotional "games" they play, hot and cold, cat and mouse. The uncertainty and unpredictability of their actions is what has kept me hooked. It is natural for me to try and figure things out, to get an answer to such aggravating mixed signals. I go into a tailspin night and day and still never really get any answers. Cognitive dissonance constantly reigns over me. Sometimes I have no idea if the guy is playing hard to get out of insecurity because he really likes you but has low self-confidence, OR, they are just playing around.

Websites exist out there counselling men to let women "come to you", "never chase" and be the alpha man. For instance Corey Wayne's site purports these types of behaviors will give them the "power" in relationships because that is where power belongs, with men, not with women. What's your take on this? Women should not give all their power over to women. He is influencing men to make "power and control" their top priority.

How can all this game playing abode to healthy relationships? In fact, it simply perpetuates insecurity, misery and a string of broken alliances. Frankly, I am losing hope for ever finding a decent man - one who is not all hung up on playing games with a woman's emotions. These guys are everywhere - online, in restaurants, clubs, next door, at work - everywhere!

What would you suggest women do? Times have certainly changed from when I first started dating. More men in my opinion actually respectfully courted women. Today they desperately want their freedom. I can see in some cases where men have been burned. Settling for these types of immature tactics rather than healing from within from previous hurts and losses is promoting a world of loneliness, heartache and mental/emotional abuse to women.

I would appreciate your thoughts. Almost given up ...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 6, 10:17 AM,
"Websites exist out there counselling men to let women "come to you", "never chase" and be the alpha man. For instance Corey Wayne's site purports these types of behaviors will give them the "power" in relationships because that is where power belongs, with men, not with women. What's your take on this?"

That's a bunch of PUA (pick up artist) crap. A man's power does not lie in the SUBMISSIVE FEMININE ROLE of leaning back. Nor does an alpha male lean back, do nothing and play it cool. The power of a man lies in his ABILITY TO TAKE THE LEAD and live in his MASCULINE ROLE.

You see this in nature. This new feminine submissive behavior from men is VERY UNNATURAL in nature. In nature, you see male deer, bucks, taking the initiative and fighting it out with one another to earn mating rights. Not every male in nature earns the right to mate. They have to PROVE THEMSELVES WORTHY of it FIRST through a mating ritual display for females (fighting).

If all the male deer did what Corey Wayne suggests and just sat around all day doing absolutely nothing, looking cool, posting selfies and making sure their hair gel was tight -- none of them would breed or earn the right to mate. None of the male deer would be getting laid.

What he advocates is a method that goes entirely against nature, and is 100% the FEMININE SUBMISSIVE role, and NOT the masculine leading role. He's suggesting that women should be the man by actually slip into that masculine leading role instead and taking the initiative.

Here's the definition of masculinity: "having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with men, especially strength and aggressiveness."

Keyword: aggressiveness

Definition of aggressive: "pursuing one's aims and interests forcefully, ready or likely to confront."

Now -- why would a man who leans back, does nothing, plays it cool, and lets women come to him -- still be considered masculine? Especially when he is clearly not aggressive, he is not likely to confront, and he is not pursuing his aims and interests forcefully?

Men who teach other men to behave in feminine submissive ways like this are doing a terrible disservice to them. Suggesting that they rely on manipulation instead of social skills and masculine aggressiveness to win women over temporarily -- and I say temporarily because relationships that contain this twisted power dynamic are generally fleeting versus long lasting.

Why? Because eventually, the woman gets tired of doing the man's job, loses respect for her lazy partner, notices that he lacks masculinity and instead acts very entitled to things for having done nothing to earn them -- and eventually the relationships fails.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"He is influencing men to make "power and control" their top priority."

Insecure men reach for power and control. Confident men have polished social skills that enable them to positively influence others (women in particular). Confident men have no need to reach for power and control, because their power lies in their ability to influence, take initiative and take the lead.

"How can all this game playing abode to healthy relationships?"

It doesn't. It generally leads to a slew of meaningless one night stands and/or brief 3 month flings and affairs. Reaching for power and control produces quick, short term gains that are equally short-lived. Whereas having the confidence and ability to take the lead and initiate produces long term gains that stand the test of time.

"In fact, it simply perpetuates insecurity, misery and a string of broken alliances."


"What would you suggest women do?"

Nothing. Meaning, you wait for a man to stand out from the rest of the pack by having the confidence to take the lead and initiate. Just like male deer in the forest, who have to take the initiative to stand up, stand out, and fight their way to breeding rights.

In Mother Nature, the weak are not permitted breeding rights in many instances. Because if females breed willingly over and over again with the weak, the species would soon be in jeopardy. So Mother Nature arranges it so that only the strong who have proved themselves as such earn the right to mate. Ensuring that all offspring of the species are strong as well.

"Settling for these types of immature tactics rather than healing from within from previous hurts and losses is promoting a world of loneliness, heartache and mental/emotional abuse to women."

It sure is. It's an incredibly unfulfilling lifestyle in the long run.

But good men are still out there. It might take a while for one to surface, but they are out there. And when they do surface, you notice because they stand heads and tails above the rest. And once you've dated a good man that treats you right, and leads you and the relationship with clarity and drive, providing security and peace of mind for the woman in doing so, and taking her wishes into consideration in his leading decisions. . .you will never date another one of these punks we're discussing here LOL.

There is a HUGE difference between a masculine gentleman and an insecure feminine punk. And there is a VAST difference in the way each can make a woman feel. A gentleman brings out a woman's femininity and provides security and trust by taking the lead. While a feminine punk triggers a woman's insecurities to surface, causes her to constantly question herself and him and the direction of the relationship, forces her to take an unnatural role (the masculine role), and leaves her full of anxiety and worry about an uncertain future -- because the man isn't in the driver's seat, and he's not leading the relationship anywhere.

Real men provide security and comfort to a woman by taking the lead masculine role. Insecure punks provide anxiety and worry to a woman by doing nothing, acting entitled, creating confusion and expecting positive rewards for their less than stellar performance as a man.

Anonymous said...

help. i've gone on 3 dates with a guy, he paid for all of them, however we decided what to do upon the phone conversation or upon arrival in the area. they were fun dates, all involved alcohol, lots of drinking, because, well honestly i was kind of bored of him. he doesn't seem to talk much. i've only known him for the past 2wks and he texts all day everyday, he has come on very strong. he told me when he likes somebody he can't control his feelings and he will tell the person, as he has done me. he mentions a future, he mentions all the stereotypical crap that a woman would supposedly like to hear. unfortunately i'm not buying into any of it, and i told him that to his face. i told him it seems like manipulation and that in all reality we hardly know eachother. sorry, but healthy people don't confess their strong feelings for someone after the first date. he has been nonstop talking to me everyday, and talking about a future, and wanting to hangout with me every single day. it's becoming way too much. i feel smothered. and i told him to backoff or i wouldn't be speaking to him anymore. i've told a few friends about him and they kind of ask me what the problem is...since he seems crazy about me. in the beginning i did request that he make plans in advance for our dates, and he did fail at that, our dates were never preplanned.

I'm not sure what to do with this guy, but my guy is saying that he is making me very annoyed and uncomfortable.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 10, 1:07 AM,
"healthy people don't confess their strong feelings for someone after the first date. . . i've told a few friends about him and they kind of ask me what the problem is...since he seems crazy about me."

When someone comes on fast and hot immediately, before they've even invested the time to get to know you - it's always a red flag dear. Words are just air. And why the rush? Is it because he's got ulterior motives of fast tracking you into the bedroom, hoping you'll buy into all this flowery talk? Or is it because he's secretly insecure, so he's going to "cling" to you as the provider of a constant supply of reassurance as an ego boost, much like a vampire that sucks vital life out of it's victim in order to support itself? Or is it because he's physically attracted to you and is confusing lust with true feelings?

Any way you slice it, it's really never a sign of anything positive :-(

He may SEEM crazy about you, but why? Why does he need to work SO HARD to create that impression after only one date? And WHY does he need constant contact 24/7? Is it because he's "needy" (insecure) and seeking constant reassurance?

"I'm not sure what to do with this guy, but my gut is saying that he is making me very annoyed and uncomfortable."

Then listen to it. It's your built-in survival system and when it starts sounding alarms, it's worth listening to.

Additionally, if a man isn't making you feel happy and you're not enjoying your time with him, and instead, you're finding that you're feeling incredibly pressured by him for some unknown reason. . .it may not be worth seeing him again as a result.

You could date him a few more times to see if may this is simply a case of "nerves" with him. But if after the 4th date or so, you're still finding yourself being pressured by him and have a feeling that he's trying too hard and it's coming across as manipulation. . .then there's definitely no point in a 5th date, and you gave this several chances to work, so you were fair and did as much as you could to give it a chance.

Anonymous said...

Good Day Mirror,

I have been dating a guy for 3 months and am still unsure what his intentions really are. We see each other 3 times a week. Sometimes he showers me with non-stop attention with texts and call, other times he is no where to be found. It is usually 3 days on and 3 days off. He loves to do lots of sexting and I have willingly gone along with it.

He regularly says I love you, I need you, I want you. Lately most of his talk is sexual in tone. I have brought up non-sex items on many occasions but doesn't seem as enthusiastic and usually drops off the texting earlier. When we are sexting he replies virtually all night and day if we are sexting.

So I decided to be upfront and ask him directly. My question to him was "All you want to do is sex talk with me, is that correct?". His reply 3 hours later was just "no that is not correct". For a guy who purports to care and love me, I would have expected more reassurances from him that that. Like maybe "no I love you and want you in my life as my GF" or something along those lines.

Do you think the fact he just replied with a matter of fact answer indicates this guy is not really into me? Frankly, I expected more from him. Should I start packing my bags?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 3, 9:11 PM,
"Do you think the fact he just replied with a matter of fact answer indicates this guy is not really into me?"

Well, I think it indicates the true motivation regarding WHY he's into you -- when he actually IS into you.

If he's not attempting to get to know you as a person, it signals that he's viewing you as a sexual object instead :-(

Allycat said...

You can't make him interested. The attention he has given you thus far, is all he can muster for you.
Question is do you want more?
If the answer is yes... move on.

Rocky said...

This is one of the most simplest (in a good way) logical post ever, like ever. It's saying the things we already know deep down inside but kind of like awakening or re-awakening us or me. It's straight to the point and 9.9 out of 10 correct in most cases. Love it. Thanks for the reminders, gave me in instant reboost.

Anonymous said...

I have been dating an older man for 2 years, he is 69 yrs old.. he never asks me to sleep over, and doesnt spend the night at my place. He said that my place is set up for one person, which it is, but he has a house, albeit it is a bit messy, he has papers and mail on tables. He says we should spend the night, he mentioned it a couple of times, and he doesn'f follow through. Should I say something to him about it? I am starting to feel like he doesn't desire me. He also has erectile dysfunction, but has pills to take, like Viagra, but still says he is non-functional and has a low sex drive sp we only have sex about once a month. I am attractive, thin, athletic, I am starting to feel asexual and depressed that he avoids sex, and he tells me "I am cheating you out of sex, I am not giving it you" but he doesn't say that he would like to have sex for the relationship. I am just starting to question the whole relationship. He also has never been married, has had many girlfriends and says he used to be a player, and he says not he only wants to be with me for the rest of his life., Then, he says to me "well.. there are no guarantees". Any advice?

Anonymous said...

I am a married woman.I have recently reconnected with a guy friend from years ago(mostly platonic) he flirted with me back in the day.He is aware that my husband and I are discussing separating. I have to initiate conversation and ask him out but when he is face to face we end up talking for 2 hours. About general things some personal but not much.Lately, he has been asking very personal questions about my sex life and my husbands financial status.He is 57 never married, very secretive, I have noticed when we are out he notices and stares at barely legal girls. Mind you I am 17 years younger than him. I have know him since I was 15.I don't understand out relationship and I why I like him.

Sag girl said...

Am a Sagittarius girl and met an Aries man.we went out a few times had explosive sex and even told me how he like me lots like vice versa. Said we were to take it slow see where it let too. We were supposed to go out the next day and we talked a bit as he was running late. Never showed up now call or text. Just up and I have no clue what happened.when we are together it's like fire works can't stop you touch. Like we we one. I make no sense. Can't be described. It's awesome. He just up and no call no text no nothing. I was upset but being my nature for give and forget. It's been a week sense I last saw him. I have tried calling no answer texting no reply tried one last time texted him I like him and wAnted to get to know him better. May be we can pick up where we left off.think he will look for me. I really like him. That was my last card. Hope he looks for me cuz I won't after that. Please advice

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Sag girl,
Why would you want to reward a man's ignorant treatment of you -- with more of your time and attention?

He was intimate with you, and didn't have the decency to call you afterwards. Not only that, he didn't have the decency to answer or respond to your calls. That's ignorance at it's finest.

And it does NOT deserve to be rewarded with more of your time and attention. If you reward him for treating you like that by seeing him again. . .you can expect more of that treatment from him in the future (because you accepted it, permitted it, and rewarded him for it).

If I were you, I would never speak to this man ever again. Instead, I would move on to find a man that appreciates me, makes me a priority, shows me that he values me, and wants the same things I want out of life ;-)

Anonymous said...

I was dating a guy a while back. It was meant to be just fun but we had such a connection we couldn't deny our feelings.

He was only here on a contract and was meant to be going back home. We knew it was going to end at some point and we both struggled with the idea of it at times.

He went hone for a visit one weekend and never came back. Contact went from every day to nearly nothing. Eventually he said he wasn't coming back but he had to cone collect his things and when he did he wanted to see me to say goodbye. It never happened. He turned very cold with ne and then contact stopped.

A month or 2 later he contacted me. Said he was sorry for not giving me a chance and that he had to put some distance between us. He also said he had got back with his ex. I was crushed.

Still to this day he contacts me. Mostly wanting sex talk. He throws in the little i miss you'd and pet names when I am distant. I really find it hard. I want to cut loose but I cant help but love him

Recently he told me he may be travelling again for work. He's been very ambiguous. Listed a few possible places including here. Said he is struggling for money and needs to do it.

That same day he spoke to a friend of mine and when she asked if he was coming back here and how work was he said fine and that he wasn't going to be back here. I know they don't speak on the same level as we do.

Even in between the sexting he attempts he does open up to me about stuff

I am struggling to understand what Is happening.

Am I just reading into it. Does he want me to tell him in want him to come back or is he keeping me as the fall back girl

Anonymous said...

I was seeing a guy for about 6 months. He was really into me at first, taking me out, meeting his friends and getting to know each other. He also dropped hints that we were going into a long-term relationship. Just hints like "I should move closer to you", "we are going to get married", can't wait for this and that like no tomorrow. He also called me beautiful, baby, honey, sweetheart in an over the top manner.

After a couple of arguments I started, he began to not be available as much, disappearing for 2-3 days, not saying alot as to what he was up to. He still called me all sorts of pet names like honey, baby, sweetheart and I love you. His behavior became somewhat detached. I asked him outright if there was anything wrong at his end. All he said was "all is good". I left it at that.

I am not really sure what to think here. We spent loads of time together previously and now it looks different but he won't talk about anything. If he had changed his mind about me (which might have occurred), then why would he not say so. I might add he still likes sexting with me and stays in contact but not as much as before. He did not mention having any stresses in his life, so I am perplexed.

What would you do in this situation Mirror? Try to ask more questions? Walk away? I am totally confused and uncertain as to my next steps.

Anonymous said...


No one but this man knows what is in his head & heart but himself. But what you do know is that is his actions and words aren't lining up - they are incongruent. He still calls you pet names, but he is disappearing and being detached. Do not bake a cake from crumbs (words).

Forget his past behavior. Many times women get stuck on this and wait around forever trying to get a man back to his original luster. Many men don't speak up because (1) they are genuinely confused themselves about whether to continue the relationship or (2) they simply are a coward.

Here is what you do: do not ask anymore questions. You already did that and he gave you his answer; he denies anything is wrong. Stop sexting. Set a timeframe for observing his behavior and use that timeframe to determine if his actions are what you need and want in a relationship. If the answer is no (and it sounds like it is/will be), exit the relationship.

To me, you manage this situation like an adult. Which is to say, you are honest about things (sounds like you have been), you know what you do and don't want and you do not allow yourself to perpetually be in a relationship with someone who either can't or won't meet your needs.

Anonymous said...


When a man turns cold on you and contact stops, but he appears two months later -- his reappearance and apologies are not about you - they are about him. Most likely, what is happening is he has finally "manned up" to apologize because things are not going well after reuniting with his ex. Do you notice he only found his balls when it served him and his interests? Not you know, when you were hurting and deserved a proper goodbye.

What is happening is you are the back-up girl. The girl to make him feel good when he's not feeling good internally or with his ex. When you are distant - he knows it - so he reels you in with little verbal tokens to keep you hooked on the miniscule amount that he has to offer. He is using you for his own selfish needs. And worse, if you allow this continue, he would *never* be able to be in love with you because he won't respect you.

No, he does not want you to tell him to come back. That is a fantasy you are having. You most likely are in love with the *idea* of him.

This situation is very obvious: you are dealing with a man who lacks good character and who is using you. It is imperative for your well-being that you stop communicating with him and use that time to look inside as to why you would allow yourself to be in this situation.

Anonymous said...

Pls I met dis guy last dec we talked & exchange contacts, started calling each other until he told me d day we met was the day the girlfriend left him, but we still got talking until he asked of my age got to know I'm older than him, he told me it didn't matter bt he had told me before I told him my age that he would prefer a girl in her 20's I'm in my 30's as well as him bt said hes flexible that it didn't matter, I started falling for him it was quick I know but was trying 2 suppress it, he noticed as well then he told me I should treat as a friend for now, I agreed but still the connection was getting stronger probably for me I guess, i just wasn't myself until he buzzed to ask what's wrong I told me we should hang out I jumped @ it, his company's party but we should hang out 1St before heading for the party we gifted & even kissed normally I won't do that but I really liked thus guy through out that day we held hand laughed & had fun, when I got home we spoke & said goodnite, the following day I didn't get 2 hear from him I called he said he will call me back I knew something was wrong from his voice though he didn't get to return my call, the following day I waited until evening then I buzzed him he told me he would prefer we stay friends for now that he's nt himself that the problem is not me but him that he can't go into something serious for now, I got angry & called him an actor said lots of things he said I'm being insensitive, we stopped talking but once in a while I jst buzz to say hi jst checking on u, he would jst say hi bt nt immediately & wouldn't ask abt me, until one day he buzz 2 do him a favor that he's in need of money that I should lend him the money but I got pissed in my heart is not as if we'vebeen talking why did he choose 2 ask me for a loan but I told him I will see what I cn do he pleaded he would appreciate it if I cn the following day I sent more than half of the money to him he called immediately that he didn't have anyone to ask for a loan except his nest friend who's having some difficulties as @ that time but he will refund it, we got back talking again that he can't believe I would do that for him, but I told him that's my person I feel for people a lot & it's gotten me no where but pain @ the end thar he should try & pay up. To cut the long story short we started chatting again I call once in a while asked for us to see because I introduced him to a business I'm into until last week he called to see me that I shouldn't make a trip the following day that he wants to discuss, foolish me I thought oh this might me good so i cancelled my trip, saw the nxt day@ my place we talked generally & his ex came up of which he said she's getting married I told him it's obvious u are still into her he said no, @ d end we kissed & things went out of hand but I refused sex. But we still talked about plans but he said financially he's nt buoyant for now so he wouldn't want something serious but immediately he's on his feet he would come looking for me but again before he left he said bt lets see how it goes, the eager me buzzed the following day calling him babe bt he quickly said we ain't dating that we should remain friends that we are that he has plans & wouldn't want to compromise his plans for now but if it's God's will we will be together but he's nt asking to keep my life on hold for him until he's back on his feet that he knows how I feel but I shouldn't feel bad. Though I really liked him but I think he's not into me or what do you think? I'm asking for marriage right away I jst want us to date & enjoy it. Pls i need ur advice what do i do

Anonymous said...

I have been friends with benefits with a guy for 3 months and after a while I felt like I started to fall for him , it has been a year since we met each other and he still doesn't like to talk to me when his friends are around and hasn't introduced me to any significant persons in his life. and constantly talks about his exes , I might have urged him to hook up with someone else because I thought it would help clear his head but now I realize I just might have to move on, but I don't know why I feel so bad about it because I'm the one who just keeps getting my feelings hurt.

Unknown said...

This is not just dating advice; it's marriage advice. My husband hit almost every one of these criteria. My conclusion is the same as that of the author. He doesnt care, you are not valued, he will not be there for you. Get out now before it becomes difficult financially, etc. to get out. This person will never change.

Anonymous said...

I always spent my half an hour to read this website's articles all the time along with a mug of coffee.

Anonymous said...

I have been dating this gentleman for almost 9 months. We confirmed our emotions and we both agreed we are in a love/passion relationship. So betting I noticed about him is that he holds back a lot especially when it comes to money. He brought me flowers only once through this time at our 6 months anniversary as I invited him for dinner at my home. If he invited me to his home for dinner he will have a piece of grilled chicken in a salad as a meal. If he takes me out, it is either pho or taco. He is very wealthy and takes others to fancy restaurants and dinners. I faced him with my feeling that even though he shows loving and caring personality I feel him holding back a lot and he didn't deny it. He claimed he does that because we are from completely two different cultures and this is a challenging relationship. He's been in a marriage of this nature and it was difficult. He also admitted he is carrying a baggage from his previous two failed marriage and serious of dating episodes. I feel being used in the relationship but I have my story too where I am persuading a divorce and working out my life back as a single woman. He sometimes make me believe he is my rebound and I am going to need to explore other relationships. I don't really understand if he cares for me and trying to protect himself at the same time or he is just greedy man that hates spending money on me.

Lottie said...

Hi Anonymous, Aug 7th 2017.
What really stands out from your story and after 9 months of dating this man is that you still feel confused about his feelings.

"He sometimes make me believe he is my rebound"
No Gentleman would make you feel uncertain or confused about him.

As Ms Mirror would say, what he says and what he does are 2 different things. Big red flags.

Words are only words. It is when they are backed up by action you know they are real.

A nice meal is not to much to ask for.

Watch out as well, he says he is carrying baggage from his previous relationships. Believe him when he says that. I suspect he has been like this with all of them too and shows little signs of changing.

A real man would date you properly and a declaration of love would be backed up by solid action, so you would feel certain about his intentions.

Watch out here. These are NOT the actions of a gentleman, but more so of an insecure individual.
They bring nothing but pain.

Best Wishes
Lottie x

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

AMEN girl!!

Lottie said...

@Ms Mirror,

I learnt from the best x

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Lottie. You are absolutely right, I've got only pain from emotionally getting involved with him. He never invested in our relationship and he can't tolerate any expectations from me. He still claims he loves me but he is withdrawn emotionally and physically after I confronted him with how he makes me feel worthless and of his short coming and investment in the relationship. He claimed I rejected the idea of marrying him once and that was a red flag for him. I certainly told him I don't like to get married ever again but he does declared many times he never intended to got married from his first except when she got pregnant and his second wanted the marriage. Love by itself can't sustain a relationship, I learned that lesson twice. Right now he went silent on me after I let him know, very politely and respectfully, how do I feel. He never picked up his home key or stuff from my place or return mine. It has been 4 days of no communication between us what so ever. Do you think I broke up with him or did he break up with me? Does it really matter? But what if he comes back and wanted to revive the relationship, what should I do? I am sure his story is completely different than mine so you might be hearing one side of it and he might be a gentleman after all. Truth is, he was the best friend to share the hardest journey of my life with, the divorce and establishing myself. My husband was my first boyfriend and this man was my first date ever. Do you think this give him the right to doubt my choice of him and makes him believe I might need to explore my options and I am still changing and this relationship might not have any component to be ever successful.

Lottie said...

Hi Anonymous, Aug 23rd,

"I've got only pain from emotionally getting involved with him. He never invested in our relationship and he can't tolerate any expectations from me" - A man that brings you pain or is unable to contribute to a relationship in a healthy way, is someone you need to stay well clear of.

I am not sure it truly matters who broke up with whom. The fact is he is making no effort with you. That is the key sign. When people are showing you who they are, Believe Them.

Most importantly it's what you do now.
"But what if he comes back and wanted to revive the relationship, what should I do?". That is your decision. I would not waste one more single minute on this guy.

Take this time to start being nice to yourself. Sometimes we need to just 'heal' from our past. Be kind to yourself. Do things that make you happy. Whatever that may be.

When you get to that place where you are ay peace with yourself you won't want anyone in your life that brings you pain.

Best Wishes
Lottie x

Unknown said...

I’ve been seeing s guy for two and a half months. He has made it clear he doesn’t want to rush things but in the same breath tells me I am a rare gem. I spend time with him and both his sons and have meet his mom. However, sometimes I feel like I’m just friends with benefits. I really like this guy and feel a strong connection to him. Maybe I’m just trying to rush things. HELP!!! I don’t know what to did or think.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Worst advice I've ever heard. You are really selling guys short. Tell him the truth and if he respects you he will stay and give you time. If not he's not worth it. Guys are more complex than you think. Maybe you're spending too much time with the wrong type of guys. Lying and deflecting is never the way. It's passive aggressive and sets you up for failure in the long run. Signed - a guy that would have understood.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male,
"Tell him the truth and if he respects you he will stay and give you time."

The truth about what? If you read the article, you'd realize that it's the man that needs to tell the woman the truth in the instances listed here.

He needs to tell the woman the truth about why she's not high on his list of priorities, why he disappears without explanation or apology upon his return yet expects to carry on with the woman as if nothing has happened, why he doesn't treat her respectfully, why he doesn't care what her last name is, why he's not paying for anything to prove himself, why he's always late, why he lies, why he can't commit, etc.

"Maybe you're spending too much time with the wrong type of guys."

We are talking about men who are not genuinely interested in the woman they're dating in this article, but refuse to be honest with the woman about that. So yes, this is indeed the wrong guy for the woman if she's with a man treating her like this.

"Lying and deflecting is never the way."

Exactly. That's the entire point of the article. Men lying and deflecting with a woman about their behavior or treatment of her, instead of being honest with her about the fact that they're not genuinely interested, is the entire point of this article.

"It's passive aggressive and sets you up for failure in the long run."

Yes, men who treat women in the manners listed in this article are setting themselves up for failure.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I hope you'd be able to give me some insight on what is going on between this one guy I've been talking to.

Usually, he texts me every week and I always ask him to give me a call. Normally, he does call the following evening and we end up chatting for hours.

Since I live far away, he asked when the next time I would be in town. Coincidentally, I would be in town the following day and we were going to see one another. I had to leave abruptly (partially because I got impatient because he was taking his time answering my texts and it wasn't clear to me whether or not I could go over to his place or not). He told me not to worry about it and I offered to make up for it the next time I would be in town. We never made official plans.

Since then, I've talked to him via video chat and we set up a time to see one another because I was working. I had to end the call and I did not end it as smoothly as I wanted to because I was tired. The day came when we were supposedly going to see one another and I had not heard a word from him unlike the last time when he asked if I was finished with what I was doing. In any case, I am confused and did not reach out and part of me wonders if it was because of the way I ended the call.

If you can give some insight as to what happened then I would greatly appreciate it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous June 13, 8:36PM,
"part of me wonders if it was because of the way I ended the call"

When people act wishy-washy, non-committal, are not clear, do not have consistent follow through and repeatedly disappoint you. . .you must look to them as the cause of their own actions and not yourself.

If you've got to worry about whether or not you being tired is the cause of someone else's behavior, then chances are the're not the right person for you. If we all avoided everyone who's ever been too tired to hold a conversation with us -- none of us would have anyone else in our lives.

The only way for a woman to know if a man is genuinely interested, is to see if HE pursues YOU.

If he does, then you have your answer. If he does not, then you have your answer. Either way, doing nothing is doing something :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Thank you for responding. I also laughed a bit because you made good points and I appreciate your feedback :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I started texting a guy from work and it went on for 6 months before we went on actual date. He never once brought up sex and it appeared to me to be developing a friendship, which is the way I like to approach it.

On our first date, he talked openly about his life, family and childhood and asked me about mine. We ended up on a beach bench and he casually put his arms around me asking if I was okay with it. I was very attracted to him so I said it was okay. We ended up necking and getting very passionate. Further dates were similar and we haven't actually had sex yet, just the kissing, hugging and making out. He is not pressuring me for more either. Each time he is being very open about his life and we share a lot and there is plenty of flirting.

He uses flattery but it is mostly about my appearance and never about my personality, etc. He announced one day that he has quite a few female "friends" and talks about them at times. I feel this is very rude to bring up other women in my presence. I am interested in his family and male friends, but not female ones. He also refers to a co-worker at our office and that he grows vegetables in his garden for her 3 year old child. I don't understand him bringing up these women so often to me. Is he subtly trying to make me jealous? I have a bad feeling about it.

The last date was great and of course we were pretty hot and heavy. He said he would love to "take you home with me" but I declined.

I am not sure if he is playing the field here but it feels like we are developing a relationship, walking hand in hand, sharing so much about our lives. I have not brought up the "talk" because it's inappropriate in my opinion, I want a man's actions to speak the truth.

Mirror, do you think this man is playing the field and only interested in meeting up to "make out", keeping his options open? The way he brings up his other female friends has me wondering. I don't want to keep this up and get more emotionally involved, then be hurt.

Your comments are appreciated.


Lottie said...

Hi Ms Mirror,
I hope you are well and glad as always to read your advice.

I wanted to share something which has happened and your insight into this would be much appreciated.

A few months ago a guy I had met 3 years ago got in contact with me again. We had gone out twice before, once for drinks and then for dinner. All of which I remember at the time he had initiated.
After the second date he went quiet and faded away. I didn't think too much of it at the time. I was not invested at this stage and thought he simply did not think we were a fit. There was a small part of me that was interested in him however, so I was a little disappointed it did not go any further.

However, I moved on quite swiftly.

A few months ago (3 years later) he recently got in contact with me. He had sent me a message asking me how I was doing etc. We eventually spoke and he apologised for dissaperaing those 3 years ago and told me his reason. Which was actually quite sad. However I was still indifferent.

He continued to message me and arranged meeting up with me. He was considerate with his planning worked around me and we went to one of my favourite hotels for drinks. He had been divorced a long time ago and he explained what happened. Although it was still not clear to me. However, I thought to myself then, that should this go further I would want to know more about what happened. He was a confident and intelligent man and I wondered what could have been the reason for his divorce.

However on the first date I didn't think it was appropriate to pry too much.

It was a pleasant evening and he was a gentleman picking up the tab for the drinks.

He made sure I texted him that I got home ok and after that night he continued to message. I did not initiate anything. I was quite conscious that he had faded away once before and I needed to just observe at this stage. He is a very difficult person to read.

He arranged another date. This time dinner, putting together some options for me to choose from. I thought this was very considerate. I turned up in a summer dress, making an effort and we had a lovely time drinking outside and then onto dinner. Once again the gentleman picking up the tab.

We talked and walked on our way back to my station He had his hand on my lower back when we were crossing roads and generally moving me away from any hazards.
It was very sweet. I did not mind at all. In fact I was growing to like him and my heart was beating faster because I actually thought, I would like him to kiss me.

For me to say that is a big thing, because I haven't met anyone in a few years now who I actually liked.

It was a beautiful warm night and we were at the station on the bench. My train was arriving and I told him I better go. He turned in towards me as if he was coming in to kiss me on the lips and at the last moment he kissed me on the cheek.

Oh - I thought to myself and said bye and walked towards my train.

I was a little confused. I messaged him when I got home like he said to do. I also noticed that he had not once complimented me. Either in person on in any messages. He messages although very endearing were also very non emotional.

I put it down to the fact that he was a man of little emotion and that he did not want to kiss me in a public place.

I still continued to observe and once again did not initiate anything. He arranged another date. This time nearer to me and would pick me up from my home.
I was quite excited and thought about what I was going to wear etc.

He arrived to pick me up and I invited him in. He was more relaxed and so was I. Something struck me then Ms Mirror. His demeanour had changed. Not in a bad way. He was just different.

He gave me a hug and i offered him a drink.


Lottie said...

So off we went. Talking as normal, mainly about sport and cars and anything which involved no emotion. We got to our destination and I went to pay for the parking ticket whilst he parked. He was adamant that I should not pay for this. It was not much money at all - I did not mind.

We found somewhere to drink (opposite the river) and my feelings I had for him shifted. I knew nothing was going to happen as something had changed,
At this stage my eyes began to water and tears streamed down my face. I was not crying but I think I was wearing a new mascara and I must have been allergic to it.

He couldn't look at me. He said he was going to the loo and I asked him If he could bring me some tissues.

Again at dinner, my eyes began to water.. Same thing - they just stung. He turned his head 180 degrees because he could not look at me. I genuinely was not crying. It was a reaction to my mascara.

Ms Mirror, I think he is gay. I mentioned subtly about a big gay event that took part near his home and mentioned if he had ever been before. He categorically said no.

I was not going to pry or push it. It was something I sensed about him. I thought could he be living his life as someone not prepared to acknowledge his sexuality? Culturally I know it is something that would be so difficult to do.

Ms Mirror, have you had any experience/insight of this before?

He drove me home and I just relaxed in his car. Maybe he knew I knew. But I would never bring this up. I kept talking about comfortable subjects.

I asked if he wanted to come in as he walked me to my door. His his eyes darted, almost terrified. I didn't push him.

Where are we now? Well we still message - talking really about sport. I don't know Ms MIrror. I was clear about my intentions about meeting someone.
But where does this leave us now? I don't normally stay friends with guys, if I don't think things are going anywhere. But this feels slightly different. I feel genuine affection for him. Probably not romantically now.

All I have are the facts to go on. If he didn't like me, why continue to date me and contact me? What does he see in me and what would he want from me?
Whatever is said and done. I think he is a lovely beautiful guy.

Lottie x

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous June 28, 5:15PM,
"I don't understand him bringing up these women so often to me. Is he subtly trying to make me jealous? I have a bad feeling about it."

It's possible. Sadly, a lot of men do this to make themselves feel more valuable to the opposite sex, as well as to test the emotional strength of a woman that's caught their eye.

If your gut is telling you something isn't right about this, then I'd suggest you listen and observe.

"Mirror, do you think this man is playing the field and only interested in meeting up to "make out", keeping his options open?"

Anything is possible. Just be mindful of that and stop yourself from making an emotional investment into this man, until he begins doing the same with you. Otherwise, if you become emotionally invested and he's not -- you're going to pass up other opportunities and set yourself up for disappointment, and possibly pain, because your expectations are not going to be met, and you're going to be more heavily invested.

"I don't want to keep this up and get more emotionally involved, then be hurt."

If it doesn't feel right, and it isn't progressing -- YOU have control here. You don't have to sit around waiting to see if this man is going to "pick" you. Instead, you can take control of your own happiness and begin distancing yourself. If he questions that, you can simply explain that you've invested many months into the situation and it isn't progressing. . .and you're moving on as a result.

Unknown said...

Yes.he is not into you. If he is interested, he will call you alot.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

We may never know what's driving this mans behavior. But then again, if you genuinely remain friends, he may develop trust in you and confide his truths.

I had a similar experience once. Dated this really good looking man of Portuguese descent. Tall, dark and handsome. He was in finance and a bit conservative, divorced, with two children. Brought me fresh flowers every single time we saw one another. He said to me once, "My father always told me that a woman should never be without flowers in her home."

He was every bit a gentleman, and all my friends liked him. But something was off. He talked an awful lot about a friend of his, who as it turns out was gay, but that had only recently gotten married -- because he needed a "cover" for the rest of the world. He was not ready to come out. And the woman he married had no clue.

I found this incredibly disturbing. I could've cared less that his friend was gay. What disturbed me was the act of using another in order to hide your true self from the world. Not only was this damaging to the woman he married, but also damaging to himself as well.

One thing led to another and a series of rather strange events took place over the course of about two months. Until one night when we were out having drinks and a man approached him. They started talking about specialty beers and this man said to him, "I'll take you somewhere where they have over 1,000 of them to choose from." Then the man pointed at me and said, "But you can't bring her."

To my shock, the man I was with happily agreed, they both had a laugh, and exchanged phone numbers.

That was all I needed to know it was time to go. Time to leave that place, and leave that situation and move on. I immediately asked if he would please take me home. He did and attempted to follow me inside. At my door, I stood there in the doorway blocking it, faced him, gave him a hug and a kiss, and wished him well.

He immediately knew he was never going to see me again. I wasn't angry. Honestly, I wasn't really bothered at all. I was just done. There was nothing left for me there to explore. And it was time for us both to move on.

He looked very disappointed, but complied. As he got into his car, he sadly looked over at me, waved, and drove off. And I never heard from him or saw him ever again.

He knew I knew. Neither one of us needed to say a word about it. Had he wanted to remain friends, I would've been okay with that in this case. But I think he felt a bit too guilty to pursue that. I was not about to become this man's "cover."

He told me a lot of stories about a male friend in college. They shared a bed for 2 years and pretty much lived like a couple by the sounds of it. Then something went wrong, this man's family turned on him, he was alone. . .and met his future wife.

One marriage, a divorce, and two children later -- I think this man was struggling with whether or not to take that route again, or to become his true self.

It's my hope that maybe his experience with me compelled him to become his true self this time around, and take a different route in life that makes him happy.

The man you're dating may or may not be gay. He could be deeply troubled emotionally, and simply has a deep rooted fear of intimacy, which is why he's keeping you at arms length. Or he may be gay and struggling with how to live his life as his true self. We simply don't know.

But if you remain friends, I suspect more insight will come naturally. Just avoid becoming emotionally invested in him, so as to not get hurt. And remember, he's disappeared in the past. And we all know that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, so be mindful of that.

Right now, it can't hurt to explore this a bit more. But either way, again be mindful of the fact that this man does not seem to be emotionally stable right now. And when that's the case, anything can happen.

Lottie said...

Thanks Ms Mirror for that valuable insight. I really admire your stance on your encounter with the Portuguese guy.

I couldn’t imagine what It could feel like to be married to someone who wanted a “Cover” and what ramifications that would have especially on the unsuspecting wife.
Just devastating all around.

It wasn’t easy to quell those feelings I must admit and I felt myself getting carried away with the romantic notion of him and I.

Oddly enough he too talks about a dear friend of his and only yesterday did he mention how put out he was that he had not seen much of him even though he is in the country visiting. His friend is married with a child.

It has been approx 2.5 months since we connected. Having just had a telephone conversation with him and although he suggested we meet up again I am away for a week so it will be another few weeks before we see each other again. It was a short conversation.

This was now falling into the “Friends category” and I was not comfortable with that. In fact I was a little angry and felt mislead.

So I did message him and ask if he wanted something platonic with me.
He said no, he did not want anything platonic and he would like to see me again.

I said that yes we can touch base on my return.

He said he wanted something long term and that he thought I was a lovely person. He wouldn’t have kept messaging or keeping in touch and he would like to meet again on my return and that messaging was not the best way to communicate or talk about such matters.

I said I know, I wasn’t expecting an in depth response. But I had to ask the question

I also asked why he did not go thru and kiss me and he responded with that the fact that I had turned my face slightly. So to avoid embarrassment and risk offending me he kissed me on the cheek.

I must admit Ms Mirror he did write at length and with great maturity, which I was quite surprised about. It was the first expression of any emotion from him and he was incredibly balanced even ending it with a slight innuendo.

If you read the way he articulated himself it was very composed and measured and it would be hard not to believe those words.


Lottie said...

But in the cold light of the morning I remembered what I saw. When he saw what he perceived as me “crying” it triggered something very powerful in him. He could not look at me or even be in the same room as me.

I did not turn my face when he went to kiss me. He had the green light from me. HE diverted at the last second.

He has been slow to progress dates and I saw distinct fear in his eyes when I asked him in. He could not face the thought of any intimacy and shot off quite quickly.

An emotionally healthy guy would have seized that moment.

These may appear subtle signs and I can hear my friends now giving the benefit of the doubt to everything above. In fact I can hear one of my friends telling me that I can be “poker faced” and be difficult to read and am over reading the situation.

I don’t feel that is the case at all.

I had to prompt the question – otherwise this would have rolled on.

I also fear his emotional stability too. On the face of it he seems very much together, but there has been red flags and Ms Mirror you are very right indeed. An emotionally unstable guy can bring turmoil. Gosh I have been bitten once before so I know what that brings.

Fortunately I kept other interests going at the same time as he was slow to progress and I couldn’t tell what he wanted from me.

And I remember going on a date with another guy whom I felt was so refreshing. He had a lot of friends and interests and was very open with me indeed. I knew where I stood with him. That is a lovely feeling.

Ms Mirror you are right, more will be revealed over time with him.
But I will surely be careful with this one and keep a cool head here.

Thanks again Ms Mirror.
Keep your bright light burning x

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

The answers always lie within the subtle fringe. And only those that are "finely tuned" are able to "see" it there. Human emotions are complex. Human beings are complex, and human behavior is complex.

Those who ignore their intuition by issuing the benefit of doubt and belieiving that the answers to our questions in life arrive in big bold letters that smack you right in the face are simply naive. They WANT to believe what they WANT to believe. And subtle truths present a threat to their joyful illusion. Which is why they're quickly dismissive of the subtleties in life.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying this man is gay. All I'm saying is you do not know this man well enough yet to make that (or any) determination. This is the "get to know you" stage. So do your best to not make a hefty emotional investment into this man, enjoy spending time with him, observe his behavior, view it as socializing, DO NOT ignore your gut. . .and actually get to know this man.

Don't ACT on your gut. But don't ignore it either. Let it gather data for you to process at a later time when you're better equipped to make a wise determination.

And be mindful of the fact that this man disappeared on you once before.

If you ignore everything else I've said above, remember THAT when your friends are issuing this man the benefit of doubt right and left.

He's disappeared once before. And now he's back and things STILL don't feel quite right. Don't compartmentalize each experience with him into it's own individual event (so it can then be quickly dismissed). Instead, look at this from a "big picture" stance. Look at your experience with him from the TIME YOU MET HIM until now.

If you do that, you'll be able to spot any patterns of behavior that may be cause for concern. For instance, if your friends say, "Well, you're just hard to read is all. He was nervous" - that's compartmentalizing that single experience into it's own event.

When you do that, it's easy to be dismissive of what's taking place.

But what I'm suggesting you observe instead is the big picture from day one like this, "Well, this man has disappeared on me once already and resurfaced out of nowhere three years later. He's keeping a healthy distance. And he's fighting intimacy and any real progression of the relationship on a romantic level."

That's not as easy to dismiss. A picture is now beginning to form.

We've got 1) a disappearance 2) resurfacing suddenly out of nowhere 3) avoidance of emotional intimacy 4) avoidance of progression on a romantic level.

That begins to tell us a story; this man's story.

And each experience with him thereafter adds another chapter to his story. Who knows? He may simply be taking it slow in a friends first manner, which is actually a good thing. Or there may be something wrong here.

Either way, at some point you will reach a point where you've "read this man's book" which will give you greater insight into whether or not he's a match for you.

Don't compartmentalize. Instead, weave this mans story together for the answers :-)

Lottie said...

Sincere Thanks Ms Mirror.

You could not have said it any more eloquently.
I have only read the first few chapters about this man and there are more chapters I need to read to help build the story up about him. And, yes I totally agree with gathering data here to build up that picture.

I think socializing is a better word. You are right Ms Mirror, that is a much better way to look at it.
When I use the word date it feels a lot heavier with a lot more connotations.
This way seems more manageable.

I will remain cool. I was conscious I was emotionally investing. But my head rules my heart so I know I can restrain emotionally.

Lets see Ms Mirror with this one. I am quite curious now.
Lottie x

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I was hoping you could shed some light on my situation. I am currently talking to this one guy and we've been keeping a steady casual dating thing going for a few months now. We both are currently college students and finals are coming around. Earlier this week, he said he wanted to see me when things slowed down. I agreed and said that was a possibility. He later asked if I wanted to call and talk for a bit to which I responded to the next day because I was busy that evening he asked. I invited him to give me a call and we could talk then and since then haven't heard from him. I'm being patient and have not contacted him since extending that invitation to which he usually responds to and makes time for me. Admittedly, I'm a bit hurt but trust in the fact he will make an appearance when he is ready should he want to.

A few days later I am in his nieghborhood signing a lease and get this random text from him asking if I was moving to his neighborhood. He was no where in my sight and I did not know he saw me there at the office. For some reason that rubbed me the wrong way and I felt like he was trying to keep tabs on me or something. As a result, I have not responded because quite frankly I don't really feel that its his business and if he were wanting to know more about what I was up to he would take my previous invitation to call and ask me directly how I am doing and my whereabouts. If there is a next time he reaches out, is it appropriate on my end to just ignore his question like I'm doing now? I don't want to appear difficult but I also don't want to appear as like I feel obligated to answer to his rather upfront question out of the blue.

Thank you for your time.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 4, 7:05 PM,
"If there is a next time he reaches out, is it appropriate on my end to just ignore his question like I'm doing now?"

Follow your gut. Don't worry about what's considered appropriate. If you're feeling disrespected by this man, as if he's not making you a priority -- then you are completely within your rights to treat him in the same manner he's treating you.

"I don't want to appear difficult but I also don't want to appear as like I feel obligated to answer to his rather upfront question out of the blue."

You're not obligated to this man at all. He's made no commitment to you. Therefore, you are under no commitment or obligation to him.

Sounds to me as if this man is unable to make you happy and fulfill your needs - even in a casual situation. He's behaving in an evasive manner, yet feels entitled to be invasive in your life himself.

That's not how life works. And it may be that this serves as a lesson to him. He needs to consider his behavior and treatment of others before he can expect them to answer to him.

If this arrangement is causing you more grief and anxiety than happiness. . .it may be a sign that it's time to move on, and away from him. If the relationship has stalled and isn't progressing and you don't see any future for it. . .time to seriously consider moving on and making room in your life for the right man instead.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mirror,

You're advice always helps and I think you're right I need to start reevaluating my priorities. I will leave things be and continue to work on myself and work on heeding my internal warning bells.

Again, thank you for your time.

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